Talk:Napoleon Bonaparte

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== Source? ==

&quot;Religious wars are basically people killing each other over who has the better imaginary friend&quot;

Often attributed to Napoleon, but I can't find any source. Maybe add it under Misattributed.

==Souhand that gives is above the hand that takes. Money has no motherland; financiers are without patriotism and without decency; their sole object is gain.&quot; - As quoted in The Money Masters (1995)
* The above is listed under &quot;Sourced&quot; on the page. Where is the source?

::And not only that quote, the majority of the &quot;Sourced&quot; contents is out of place... I say they all should be moved to their proper section. -- [[User:Jokes Free4Me|Jokes Free4Me]] 16:48, 16 April 2009 (UTC)
::Although, upon [http://libertymaven.com/2007/06/05/the-hand-that-gives-is-above-the-hand-that-takes/52/ searching] this, i understand that &quot;The Money Masters (1995)&quot; is supposed to be the source. IMO this particular quote only lacked a better phrasing of the given source. -- [[User:Jokes Free4Me|Jokes Free4Me]] 17:46, 16 April 2009 (UTC)

== Sources? ==

I put in quotes from [http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/etext03/dwqnb10.txt Widger's quotations], but I stated the source as the source stated by that text. Is that right, or should I change the sources to &quot;Widger's quotations&quot;?
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== famous palindrome ==
What I have read about &quot;Able was I ere I saw Elba&quot; is -- When Napolean was imprisoned in Elba, one newspaper reporter went and interviewed Napolean and during interview it seems he asked As a nobleman, what and how does he feel about being imprisoned in Elba? to which Napolean replied &quot;Able was I ere I saw Elba&quot; that means before coming to Elba, I was not as able as I am today......

&quot;Able I was, ere I saw Elba&quot;.  Did Napoleon actually say this?  It seems hard to believe, given that this is presumably only a palindrome in English, and not in French.
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:I strongly doubt it.  What use would a Frenchman have for an English palindrome?  --[[User:Ardonik|Ardonik]] 00:30, 20 Sep 2004 (UTC)

::On Elba he was guarded by the British was he not? --[[User:74.14.16.30|74.14.16.30]] 07:21, 7 February 2007 (UTC)

I have heard a quote that goes something like, &quot;It is easier to rule a country by writing its songs than it's laws.&quot; Does anyone know if there is such a quote by Napoleon? [[User:Joi|Joi]] 05:39, 3 Oct 2004 (UTC)

As for the source, I figure you should say &quot;quoted from so and so&quot;
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:Wait... It isn't a palindrome because if you reversed it, it reads &quot;Able was I, ere saw I Elba.&quot; --[[User:Heinah|Heinah]] 07:56, 02 April 2010 (UTC)
::The correct rendition is, in fact: &quot;'''Able was I, ere I saw Elba.'''&quot; &lt;!-- (or potentially but, less grammatically clear: Able I was, ere saw I Elba?) --&gt; I will do some searching for it in this form, and probably post it as a quote about Napoleon, though it is long purported to have been a response he made to a query as to whether he could have taken London, or presented with other such framing anecdotes. ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &amp;middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 08:33, 2 April 2010 (UTC)
:: I posted it under misattributed, because there is very little likelihood of it being genuine, with the comments: 
:* The earliest publication yet located of this famous palindrome is in the &quot;Witty and Whimsical&quot; section of ''The Saturday Reader'', Vol. II, No. 30 (31 March 1866), p. 64:
:: It is said that Napoleon, when asked by Dr. [[w:]] if he really though the could have invaded England at the time he threatened to do so, replied in the following ingenious anagram: — &quot;Able was I ere I saw Elba.&quot; The reader will Observe that it reads the some backward or forward.
::* Of such attributions to Napoleon, there is little credence, as stated by William Irvine in ''Madam I'm Adam and Other Palindromes'' (1987): &quot;The well-known ABLE WAS I, ERE I SAW ELBA, for example, is conveniently attributed to Napoleon, whose knowledge of English wordplay was certainly questionable, at best.&quot; There is no mention of such a palindrome in O'Meara's own work, ''Napoleon in Exile : or, A Voice from St. Helena'' (1822).

:: That seems to be a sufficient summary of the situation regarding it, as of now. ~  [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 14:11, 2 April 2010 (UTC)

:::Kalki, does the &quot;Of such attributions&quot; paragraph come from The Saturday Reader too? (Because if it does, my newly-added cquote is incomplete and needs to span over the second paragraph too...) -- [[User:Jokes Free4Me|Jokes Free4Me]] ([[User talk:Jokes Free4Me|talk]]) 08:41, 21 August 2012 (UTC)

== Out of synch ==

'''Out of Synch''' The French and English pages are out of synch; There are several quotes in each that don't apprear in the other language.
--[[User:206.191.19.90|206.191.19.90]] 14:08, 18 May 2005 (UTC)
:As at 3/2011, the French page remains remarkably small compared with the English.
: {{unsigned|Lmstearn}}

== God fights on the side with the best artillery ==

What about &quot;God fights on the side with the best artillery.&quot; --[[User:68.80.190.94|68.80.190.94]] 16:58, 11 Jun 2005 (UTC)
: First attribution is to Napoleon, but in 1947: &quot;The Field Artillery Journal&quot;, Page 156. [[User:Cagliost|Cagliost]] ([[User talk:Cagliost|talk]]) 09:46, 30 July 2020 (UTC)

== You must not fight too often with one enemy ==

&quot;You must not fight too often with one enemy, or you will teach him all your art of war.&quot; is a quote from Plutarch. He is talking about the Spartans. It goes something like 'the Spartans knew “they should not make war often, or too long, with the same enemy, lest they should train and instruct them in war”'. - [http://www.nerdusordoseclorum.net/gopher Master_Gopher]
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== Talleyrand ==

How about &quot;You are shit, Talleyrand... shit in silk stockings&quot; (upon his dismissal of Foreign Minister and Grand Chamberlain)?
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== Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake. ==

That was John Milton: Samson Agonistes (l. 560) --[[User:Miss.hyper|Miss.hyper]] 20:44, 15 January 2006 (UTC)

:The source cited here doesn't seem correct, if Milton actually penned the line.

:From [[http://www.dartmouth.edu/~milton/reading_room/samson/drama/index.shtml Samson Agonistes]], (I 555-569)
::When God with these forbid'n made choice to rear [ 555 ]
::His mighty Champion, strong above compare,
::Whose drink was only from the liquid brook.
::Sam. But what avail'd this temperance, not compleat
::Against another object more enticing?
::What boots it at one gate to make defence, [ 560 ]
::And at another to let in the foe
::Effeminatly vanquish't? by which means,
::Now blind, dishearten'd, sham'd, dishonour'd, quell'd,
::To what can I be useful, wherein serve
::My Nation, and the work from Heav'n impos'd, [ 565 ]
::But to sit idle on the houshold hearth,
::A burdenous drone; to visitants a gaze,
::Or pitied object, these redundant locks
::Robustious to no purpose clustring down,

One source for this reasonably close paraphrase, from 1852: &quot; Then, gentlemen,&quot; said Napoleon, &quot;let
us wait a little ; when your enemy is
executing a false movement, never interrupt him.&quot; 
http://books.googleusercontent.com/books/content?req=AKW5Qae9TjqilL7Xd1nn6MjnoO47rPODyhW56grrJEquvOaaX9VwX2_eKhzuXdQHqNBvCZ7SQJ3hChotcrvRU4enYDoMi6SttKoAkJOek72yOaLJaZ5WB78p7xfCO-T3YTnE2qTdd3JUiPClOihK1f87wbVnJQlnhtcDMKacqhY96H7IISLzZW7rALkBwa1arEb8zuR0DBWluHapSwaO5EEpuQRR9SkIYJPJtUjLhO3hknP_4BKcpHE3tKTYsrbpeIf2PxgrnnJa
A nearly identical quote appears in an 1836 history.  [[User:Jbgfour|Jbgfour]] ([[User talk:Jbgfour|talk]]) 14:42, 17 March 2017 (UTC)

== Thematic organization ==

Is there anyone here who would be opposed if I reorganized this quotes page under a thematic structure, similar to the one that J. Christopher Herald used? -- Black Sword
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: Whatever you do, don't lose the separation of source and unsourced quotes. This is the primary distinction between quotes at Wikiquote. Sourced quotes are valuable; unsourced/attributed quotes are not much better than rumor. ~ [[User:Jeffq|Jeff Q]]&amp;nbsp;[[User talk:Jeffq|(talk)]] 08:24, 30 March 2007 (UTC)

== Joan of Arc ==

Has Napoleon Bonaparte ever mentioned about Joan of Arc? If I could remember he mentioned her but i forgot his quote. Anybody remembered or has it down? Haven't seen it here yet
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== Never be taken by surprise ==

One of my teacher when I went to an MBA program quoted Napoleon as follow :
&quot;I might be defeated, but I will never be taken by surprise&quot;

Is this accurate ?
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== Comment on Format ==

Why are some of the quotes in bold?  I don't think it's up to wikiquote-people to give importance to one quote over another.
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== Spirit or Mind? ==

The same quote is said in at least two spots:
&quot;There are only two forces in the world, the sword and the spirit. In the long run the sword will always be conquered by the spirit.&quot;
In one, it mentions spirit, and the other it mentions the mind.  Both have similar, but different wordings.  Did he say both?
[[User:72.174.2.252|72.174.2.252]] 22:29, 11 September 2007 (UTC)

:The French word ''esprit'' has several meanings, including &quot;mind&quot; and &quot;spirit.&quot;  If ''esprit'' was used in the original French, it would explain the variant translations.  An unsourced quote, precisely because it hasn't been sourced, can never be assumed as genuine.  The answer then to your question, &quot;Did he say both?&quot; is: We don't yet know whether he said either.  - [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:49, 11 September 2007 (UTC)

In the Bible ihe words 'spirit'/mind/breath are all identified by the same Hebrew number 7306 In the psalms, David wrote &quot;take not thy presence from me and remove not thy  Holy Spirit from me. so that spirit prsence and breath all refer to the same concept of God dwelling within us by faith; and that when God removes His breath, spirit, presence from us ...we die. Some religious bodies beleive that God's spirit represent a third member of the Deity,or a Trinity. which the Bible does not teach but which was introduced by man  into mainstream religious thinking several centuries after Christ was crucified. {{unsigned|124.183.75.109}}

:: Here's the [http://books.google.com/books?id=dyxCAAAAcAAJ&amp;pg=PA645&amp;dq=%22deux+puissances+dans+le+monde%22 original in French]:&lt;blockquote&gt;&lt;p&gt;« Il n’y a que deux puissances dans le monde, le sabre et l’esprit.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;« J’entends par l’esprit les institutions civiles et religieuses… A la longue, le sabre est toujours battu par l’esprit.»&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/blockquote&gt;
::—[[User:KHirsch|KHirsch]] 14:40, 15 December 2011 (UTC)

The above welcome bit of information provided by KHirsch is from ''Revue des deux mondes'', Vol. 4 (1838). p. 645; I might examine things and do a bit of tweaking a bit later, but have to soon be leaving and attending to a few other things right now. ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &amp;middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 15:07, 15 December 2011 (UTC)

== &quot;What then, generally speaking, is history?  A fable agreed upon.&quot; ==

I've done full-text searches for many keywords in this quote, and I can't find it anywhere in the ''Memoirs of Napoleon''.  Where is this quote?  [[Special:Contributions/76.215.192.143|76.215.192.143]] 20:25, 29 November 2007 (UTC)

: I've only thus far done a vert quick search of &quot;A fable agreed upon&quot; in Google Book Search and found that [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]] credited to Napoleon, in his essay &quot;History&quot; :  &quot;What is history,&quot; said Napoleon, &quot; but a fable agreed upon?
: I don't know Emerson's source, and the hits are too extensive for me to investigate fully right now, or any time soon.  ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 20:34, 29 November 2007 (UTC)

== Money has no motherland ==
The source of this appears to be R. McNair Wilson's ''Monarchy or Money Power'' (1933). I haven't seen the original book, just a transcript
at the [http://yamaguchy.netfirms.com/ Yamaguchy web site]. The first
two paragraphs from that book's [http://yamaguchy.netfirms.com/7897401/mcnair/monarch_09.htm “Chapter IX—Napoleon”] are:

&lt;blockquote&gt;
&lt;p&gt;Having made peace with the whole world, Bonaparte set about his task
of preparing himself and the French people for the return to the
God-system. It was ordained by him that money should not be exported
from France on any pretext whatever except with the consent of the
Government, and that in no circumstances should loans be employed to
meet current expenditure whether civil or military.&lt;/p&gt;

&lt;p&gt;The object was to withhold from finance the power to embarrass the
Government as it had embarrassed the Government of Louis XVI.  When a
Government, Bonaparte declared, is dependent for money upon bankers,
they and not the leaders of that Government control the situation, since
“the hand that gives is above the hand that takes”&lt;sup&gt;57&lt;/sup&gt;.  He did
not allow anyone to forget the shipments of gold to England organized by
Barras at the expense of the army of Italy, and at a moment when France
was denuded of metallic currency.  “Money,” he declared, “has no
motherland;  financiers are without patriotism and without decency:
their sole object is gain.”&lt;/p&gt;

&lt;p&gt;...&lt;/p&gt;

&lt;p&gt;Note 57.—This was among his favourite quotations.&lt;/p&gt;
&lt;/blockquote&gt;

The only part I can verify is “the hand that gives is above the hand
that takes”, which other sources also attribute to Napoleon, although
not with respect to banks (and not as an original saying). For example,
in ''Napoléon a dit: aphorismes, citations et opinions'', p. 82:

*La main qui donne est au-dessus de celle qui reçoit.
**Dicton italien, cité par Bonaparte pendant la première campagne d'Italie pour souligner la dépendance pécuniaire du Directoire enver l'armée d'Italie qui lui procura des million et des trésors, butin des pays conquis.

I somewhat doubt the rest is valid. I find “l'argent n'a pas de patrie”
(money has no fatherland) several times in the 19th century, but never
attributed to Napoleon, which is very odd if he said it. I also can't
find any trace of the rest of the quote in Google Books, but this
doesn't mean much since there are many ways to translate it and there
aren't as many French books yet in Google Books.

I'm also a bit suspicous because R. McNair Wilson was quite a fanatic on
the money issue. Besides ''Monarchy or Money Power'', he once wrote a
book, about a monetary change which now is just a footnote in French
history, with the hyperbolic title
[http://books.google.com/books?id=BFQVAAAAIAAJ ''The Defeat of Debt: Being an account of the world-wide and secret battle which, on June 6th, 1935, ended in the downfall of the International Money Power Together with certain forecasts about the prosperity which all men are now about to enjoy''].
He also wrote ''Promise to pay; an inquiry into the principles and practice of the latter-day magic called sometimes high finance''.

A few French web sites give the quote in French, but without a source and
it seems a bit awkward, as if the quotation is translated from English, rather
than originally in French. For example: 

*Lorsqu'un gouvernement est dépendant des banquiers pour l'argent, ce sont ces derniers, et non les dirigeants du gouvernement qui contrôlent la situation, puisque la main qui donne est au dessus de la main qui reçoit. ... L'argent n'a pas de patrie; les financiers n'ont pas de patriotisme et n'ont pas de décence; leur unique objectif est le gain.

''References''

* {{cite book
|title=Napoléon a dit : aphorismes, citations et opinions
|author1=Napoleon I, Emperor of the French, 1769-1821.
|author2=Lucian S. Regenbogen
|location=Paris|publisher=Les Belles lettres|year=1996|isbn=2251752005}}
* {{cite book|title=Monarchy or Money Power|last=Wilson|first=R. McNair
|location=London|year=1933|publisher=Eyre and Spottiswoode|oclc=3561268}} Reprinted as {{cite book
|title=God and the Goldsmiths
|location=Hawthorne, Calif.|publisher=Omni Publications|year=1961|oclc=3088576}}

[[User:KHirsch|KHirsch]] 02:32, 16 November 2009 (UTC)

==Unsourced quotes removed==
... by [http://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Napoleon_I_of_France&amp;diff=1005810&amp;oldid=1005585 this edit].

And salvaged to this page, as seeds for further research:

=== A-C ===
[[Image:Minard.png|thumb|400px|A picture is worth a thousand words.]]

* A celebrated people lose dignity upon a closer view. 

* A man does not have himself killed for a half-pence a day or for a petty distinction; you must speak to the soul in order to electrify him.

* '''A man will fight harder for his interests than for his rights.'''
*: This is from Napoleon in his own words (1916), translated from the French by Jules Bertaut (Virilites : maximes et pensees de Napoleon I). I can't find the original French version though. [[User:Gssq|Gssq]] ([[User talk:Gssq|talk]]) 07:40, 25 November 2013 (UTC)

* '''A man like me troubles himself little about the lives of a million men'''

* '''A picture is worth a thousand words.'''

* A portion of the multitude must ever be coerced.

* A revolution is an idea which has found its bayonets. 

* A soldier will fight long and hard for a bit of coloured ribbon.

* '''A true man hates no one.'''

* ''Ah, tenez, vous êtes de la merde dans un bas de soie.''
** Look, you're shit in a silk stocking.
** Referring to [[w:Charles Maurice de Talleyrand|Talleyrand]]  (28 January 1809)

* All men are equal before God: wisdom, talents, and virtue are the only difference between them.

* Ambition never is in a greater hurry than I; it merely keeps pace with circumstances and with my general way of thinking.

* America is a fortunate country. She grows by the follies of our European nations. 

* '''An army marches on its stomach.'''

* '''An emperor confides his trust in National Soldiers, not in mercenaries.

* '''Authoritarian government required to speak, is silent... Representative government required to speak, ''lies'' with impunity.'''

* Better not to have been born than to live without glory.

* Better to have a known enemy than a forced ally.
** Variant: Better to have an open enemy, than hidden friends.

* Calumny, envy, and all revengeful passions appear almost exclusively to direct the actions of men.

* ''Ces terribles chevaux gris! Comme ils travaillent!'' 
** Those terrible [[w:Scots Greys#The charge at the Battle of Waterloo|grey horses]], how they strive!

* '''Chartres is no place for an atheist.'''
**Upon visiting the Cathedral of Chartres.

* Civil liberty depends upon the security of property.

* '''Courage is like love; it must have hope for nourishment.'''

* Cruelty can only be justified by necessity.

=== D-G ===

* '''Death is nothing, but to live defeated and inglorious is to die daily.'''

* Death may expiate faults, but cannot repair them.

* Different subjects and different affairs are arranged in my head as in a cupboard. When I wish to interrupt one train of thought, I shut that drawer and open another. Do I wish to sleep, I simply close all the drawers and then I am— asleep.

* '''Doctors will have more lives to answer for in the next world than even we generals.'''

* Every soldier carries a marshal's baton in his pack.

* '''Everything has a limit, even human emotions.'''

* Everything in religion should be gratuitous, and for the people; care must be taken not to deprive the poor... of the only thing which consoles them for their poverty.

* '''Experience proves that armies are not always sufficient to save a nation; while a nation defended by its people is ever invincible.'''

* '''Fanaticism must first be lulled, in order that it may be eradicated.'''

* Female virtue has been held in suspicion from the beginning of the world, and ever will be.

* &quot;For my Poles there is no such thing as impossible.&quot;

* '''Four hostile newspapers are more to be feared than a thousand bayonets.'''

* '''France, the army, Josephine...'''
** Reportedly his last words. In French: 'France, armée, Joséphine...'

* Free trade favors all classes, excites all imaginations, and rouses the whole population; it is identical with equality, and tends naturally to independence.

* Frenchmen know not how to conspire.

* Friendship is but a name.

* '''Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.'''

* '''Great ambition is the passion of a great character. He who is endowed with it may perform either very great actions or very bad ones; all depends upon the principles which direct him.'''

=== H-L ===

* He who fights against his country, is a child who would kill his own mother.

* He who is unmoved by tears has no heart.

* '''He who knows how to flatter also knows how to slander.'''

* '''How can you have order in a state without religion? For, when one man is dying of hunger near another who is ill of surfeit, he cannot resign himself to this difference unless there is an authority which declares, 'God wills it thus.' Religion is excellent stuff for keeping people quiet.'''

* I accept I might be defeated, but caught in surprise, never.

* I am never angry when contradicted, I seek to be enlightened.

* '''I am sometimes a fox and sometimes a lion. The whole secret of government lies in knowing when to be the one or the other.''' (Idea originally conceptualized by Machiavelli in The Prince)

* I believe love to be hurtful to society, and to the individual happiness of men. I believe, in short, that love does more harm than good.

* I can no longer obey; I have tasted command, and I cannot give it up.

* I feel as if I am being driven towards an unknown goal. As soon as it is attained and there will no longer be any use for me, an atom will be sufficient to annihilate me; but until then, all human efforts whether in Paris or in the army will be powerless to prevail against me.

* If you start to take Vienna — take Vienna. 

* I have been called upon to change the face of the world.

* I have not come to you except for the purpose of restoring your rights from the hands of the oppressors... (motivation for invading Egypt in 1798)

* I have recognized the limits of my eyesight and of my legs, but never the limits of my working power.

* I made all my generals out of mud.

* In the world there are but two powers the sword and the mind, in the long run the latter always beats the former.

* I was born and made for work.

* '''If I always appear prepared, it is because before entering an undertaking, I have meditated long and have foreseen what might occur. It is not genius where reveals to me suddenly and secretly what I should do in circumstances unexpected by others; it is thought and preparation.'''

* '''If I had to choose a religion, the sun as the universal giver of life would be my god.'''

* '''If the whole world was a state, Istanbul would be the capital of it.'''

* '''If they want peace, nations should avoid the pin-pricks that precede cannon shots.'''

* '''If you want a thing done well, do it yourself.'''

* If you wish to be a success in the world, promise everything, deliver nothing.

* '''Imagination rules the world.'''

* In a great nation, the majority are incapable of judging wisely of things. 

* In choosing a wife, a man does not renounce his mother, and still less is he justified in breaking her heart.

* In great crisis, it is the lot of women to soften our misfortunes.

* '''In politics stupidity is not a handicap.'''
** Variant: In politics an absurdity is not a handicap.

* '''In victory, you deserve Champagne; in defeat, you need it.'''

* In warfare, '''the mental to the physical is as three is to one.'''
 
* It is an approved maxim in war, never to do what the enemy wishes you to do, for this reason alone, that he desires it.

* It is in the workshops of the country that the most successful war is waged against an enemy, at least it does not cost a drop of its people's blood.

* '''It is not enough that I succeed — everyone else must fail.'''- Adapted from Hannibal.

* '''It is the cause, and not the death, that makes the martyr.'''

* It is the province of honest men to enlighten the government.

* '''It requires more courage to suffer than to die.'''

* '''It would have been better for the peace of France if this man had never existed.'''
** Said of [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]]

* '''Let China sleep. For when China wakes, it will shake the world.'''
** Variant translation: When China awakes, the world will tremble.
*** Variant: Let China slumber, for when she wakes, she will conquer the world
**** Variant: Let China thusly slumber, for when China wakes up the world will shiver (original: Laissez donc la Chine dormir, car lorsque la Chine s'éveillera le monde entier tremblera, purportedly said in 1816 at Sainte-Hélène after having read Voyage dans l'intérieur de la Chine et en Tartarie by Lord Macartney)

=== M-S ===

* '''Men are more easily governed through their vices than through their virtues.'''

* Men are moved by two levers only— fear and self interest.
** Variant: There are only two forces that unite men— fear and interest.

* Men take only their needs into consideration—never their abilities.

* My motto has always been: A career open to all talents, without distinctions of birth.
** Quoted in ''Mémorial de Ste Hélène'' by [[w:Emmanuel, comte de Las Cases|Las Cases]]

* Never attack in front of a position that can be taken by turning.

* '''Never awake me when you have good news to announce, because with good news nothing presses; but when you have bad news, arouse me immediately, for then there is not an instant to be lost.'''

* '''Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.'''

* '''Nothing is more difficult, and therefore more precious, than to be able to decide.'''

* Now we are in a fix. Peace has been declared.
** After the treaty of Amien

* '''One must change one's tactics every ten years if one wishes to maintain one's superiority.'''

* '''One should never forbid what one lacks the power to prevent.'''

* '''Passionate people invariably deny their anger, and cowards often boast their ignorance of fear.'''

* '''People accustomed to great victories, know not how to support a day of reverse.'''

* '''Popes have committed too many absurdities to create a belief in their infallibility.'''

* Power is founded on opinion.

* Power is my mistress. I have worked too hard at her conquest to allow anyone to take her away from me.

* Public opinion is the thermometer a monarch should constantly consult.

* Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.

* Respect the burden.

* '''Riches do not consist in the possession of treasures, but in the use made of them.'''

* Six hours sleep for a man, seven for a woman and eight for a fool.

* '''Skepticism is a virtue in history as well as in philosophy.'''

* So you think the police foresees and knows everything. '''The police invents more than it discovers.'''

* Some men have sufficient strength of mind to change their disposition, or at least to yield to imperative circumstances.

* '''Speeches pass away, but acts remain.'''

* '''Strategy is the art of making use of time and space. I am less concerned about the latter than the former. Space we can recover, lost time never.'''

* '''Stupidity is not a handicap in politics.'''

* '''Such work as mine is not done twice in a century. I saved the Revolution as it lay dying, I have cleansed it of its crimes and have held it up to the people shining with fame.  I inspired France and Europe with new ideas which will never be forgotten.'''

=== T ===

* '''Ten people who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.'''

* The act of policing is, in order to punish less often, to punish more severely.

* '''The allies we gain by victory, will turn against us upon the bare whisper of our defeat.'''

* The aristocracy has the advantage of concentrating the power of Government into less dangerous hands than those of the ignorant multitude.

* '''The battlefield is a scene of constant chaos. The winner will be the one who controls that chaos, both his own and the enemies.'''

* The best cure for the body is a quiet mind.

* '''The best way to keep one's word is not to give it.'''

* The English... are a nation of shopkeepers
** Quoted in B. B. B. O'Meara's ''Napoleon at St. Helena''
*** Quoting the ''[[w:Wealth of Nations|Wealth of Nations]]'' by [[Adam Smith]] [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nation_of_shopkeepers]

* '''The Bible is no mere book, but a Living Creature, with a power that conquers all that oppose it.'''

* '''The favorable opportunity must be seized; for fortune is female, and if you balk her today you must not expect to meet her again tomorrow.'''

* The guilt of many men may be traced to over-affection for their wives.

* The heart of a minister should be nowhere but in his head.

* The infectiousness of crime is like that of the plague.

* The most important qualification of a soldier is fortitude under fatigue and privation. Courage is only second; hardship, poverty and want are the best school for a soldier.

* The nature of Christ's existence is mysterious, I admit; but this mystery meets the wants of man. Reject it and the world is an inexplicable riddle; believe it, and the history of our race is satisfactorily explained.

* '''The only victories which leave no regret are those which are gained over ignorance.'''

* '''The only victory over love is flight.'''

* The people never rub themselves against naked bayonets.

* '''The people to fear are not those who disagree with you, but those who disagree with you and are too cowardly to let you know.'''

* '''The revolution is over. I am the Revolution'''

* '''The spectacle of a field of battle after the combat is sufficient to inspire princes with the love of peace and the horror of war.'''

* The strong man is the one who is able to intercept at will the communication between the senses and the mind.

* The stupid speak of the past, the wise of the present, and fools of the future.

* The surest way to remain poor is to be an honest man.

* '''The true character of man ever displays itself in great events.'''

* The woman we love is ever the prettiest of her sex.

* '''There are calumnies against which even innocence loses courage.'''

* '''There are only two forces in the world, the sword and the spirit. In the long run the sword will always be conquered by the spirit.'''

* There is neither subordination, nor fear in empty bellies.

* There is no greater misfortune for a man than to be governed by his wife: in such case he is neither himself nor his wife, he is a perfect nonentity.

* '''There is one kind of robber whom the law does not strike at, and who steals what is most precious to men: time.'''

* There is one thing that's not French: for a woman to be able to do what she likes.

* They think I am stern, even hardhearted. So much the better— this makes it unnecessary for me to justify my reputation. My firmness is taken for callousness. I shall not complain, since this notion is responsible for the good order that is prevailing, so that there is nothing that needs to be repressed.

* To abandon oneself to despair without a struggle, to commit suicide as a relief, is like leaving the field of battle before we have vanquished the enemy.

* '''To extraordinary circumstances we must apply extraordinary remedies.'''

* '''To have a right estimate of a man's character, we must see him in misfortune.'''

* To have good soldiers, a nation must always be at war.

* To seduce a wife from her husband, or a son from his father, are odious acts, unworthy of civilised nations.

* To write history, one must be more than a man, since the author who holds the pen of this great justiciary should be free from all pre-occupation of interest or of vanity.

=== U-Z ===

* ''Un bon croquis vaut mieux qu'un long discours.''
** Translation: '''A good sketch is better than a long speech.'''
** Alternate translation: '''A picture is worth a thousand words.'''

* '''Victory belongs to the most persevering.'''

* War is the business of barbarians.

* Water, air, and cleanness are the chief articles in my pharmacy.

* We cannot escape from the arbitrariness of the judge, unless we place ourselves under the despotism of the law.

* We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.

* We must not obstinately contend against circumstances, but rather let us obey them. We have many projects in life but little determination.

* '''We must not take up arms for vain prospects of grandeur, nor the allurements of conquest.'''

* '''We must take things as we find them, and not as we wish them to be.'''

* We walk faster when we walk alone.

* When he who measures the duration of life has pronounced his secret, all the sciences of humanity are but useless essays.

* You must not fear death, my lads; defy him, and you drive him into the enemy's ranks. 

* You must not fight too often with one enemy, or you will teach him all your art of war.
** Quoted in ''Representative Men: Uses of Great Men'' by [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]]

* '''You would make a ship sail against the winds and currents by lighting a bonfire under her deck? Excuse me, I have no time to listen to such nonsense.'''
** To [[w:Robert Fulton|Robert Fulton]] about his steam ship.

== unsourced quote about Fashion ==

&quot;Fashion condemns us to many follies; the greatest is to make oneself its slave.&quot;

... sources anyone? --[[User:Immer in Bewegung|Immer in Bewegung]] 07:42, 12 July 2010 (UTC)

== No Cowardly Source ==

&quot;The people to fear are not those who disagree with you, but those who disagree with you and are too cowardly to let you know.&quot;
:Searched through French equivalents, nothing. Nothing in an English search much before [http://books.google.com.au/books?id=_1ExAAAAIAAJ&amp;dq=inauthor:%22Norman+Lockridge%22&amp;hl=en&amp;ei=c3WQTc6vNILuvQPEoqi6DQ&amp;sa=X&amp;oi=book_result&amp;ct=result&amp;resnum=4&amp;ved=0CDkQ6AEwAw Norman Lockridge's 1945 &quot;World's wit and wisdom&quot;] either.
: {{unsigned|Lmstearn}}
:would this have to be linked to &quot;En tout et partout ce ne sont pas les entêtés de bonne foi qui sont à craindre, ce sont les hypocrites.&quot; ?

== Misquotation? ==

&quot;The world suffers a lot, not because of the violence of bad people, but because of the silence of good people&quot;.
Some (not authoritative) sites refer the quote as his though I suspect not. 
c.f: http://forum.chatdd.com/quotes-sayings/62289-fabulous-quotes.html
http://qna.rediff.com/questions-and-answers/the-world-suffers-a-lot-not-because-of-the-violenc/17350669/answers
[[User:Galoism|Galoism]] ([[User talk:Galoism|talk]]) 03:33, 7 June 2012 (UTC)

== Was he anti-Semitic? ==

I have found a troublesome quote from him:

‘''The evils of the Jews do not stem from individuals but from the fundamental nature of this people.''’

Examples: [https://www.google.com.br/search?hl=pt-BR&amp;tbo=p&amp;tbm=bks&amp;q=“Jews+do+not+stem+from+individuals”&amp;tbs=,bkv:p&amp;num=10]

How do we explain this? --[[User:Romanophile|Romanophile]] ([[User talk:Romanophile|talk]]) 03:36, 18 November 2015 (UTC)

: I see this attributed to other people. Can't find it in Google Books before 1900. [[User:Cagliost|Cagliost]] ([[User talk:Cagliost|talk]]) 09:56, 30 July 2020 (UTC)

== interwiki ==

It's so weird French page not referenced from the article. https://fr.wikiquote.org/wiki/Napol%C3%A9on_Bonaparte, other languages seems to lack link to French too. The French page though does have interwikis. [[User:Alliumnsk|Alliumnsk]] ([[User talk:Alliumnsk|talk]]) 09:57, 21 February 2018 (UTC)

== Able was I ere I saw Elba ===
I found an earlier, and possibly original, source for this palindrome. I linked to the publication in Google Books. Someone might be able to improve the reference by linking directly to the page.

== Show me a family of readers, and I will show you the people who move the world ==

“Show me a family of readers, and I will show you the people who move the world.” is allegedly from Napoleon. Could it be included? [[User:Pier4r|Pier4r]] ([[User talk:Pier4r|talk]]) 14:18, 26 July 2022 (UTC)</text>
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      <text bytes="3369" xml:space="preserve">'''[[Wikiquote:About|Wikiquote]]''' is a collaborative project aimed at creating a multilingual free content compendium of quotations.

The English language Wikiquote is the oldest and largest of Wikiquote projects, started on June 27, 2003.
Other language versions of Wikiquote were created in July, 2004. As of February 14, 2010, there are over 50 active Wikiquote projects (for definition of &quot;active&quot;, see below).

== Overview == 
As of January, 2019, the Wikiquote project as a whole has over 800,000 articles in total. 28 projects, including English Wikiquote, have more than 1,000 articles: now the Polish Wikiquote has 24,600, the English 43,000, Italian 43,800 and Russian 14,400 articles. The top 5 in size are Italian, English, Polish, Russian and Czech.

The Russian Wikiquote is the largest among non-latin script Wikiquotes. Among non Indo-European language Wikiquotes, Estonian Wikiquote is the biggest with 10,000 articles.

If you are interested in '''creating a new Wikiquote in your language''', see [[meta:Meta:Language proposal policy]] and then visit [[meta:Requests for new languages]]. You are also invited to ask for help in [[Wikiquote:Village pump]].

== Active Wikiquotes ==

Projects having 100 articles or more are considered to be active, see also [[m:Which projects are active?]]. 

=== Wikiquotes in Latin script ===

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&lt;!--*[[:simple:|Simple English]]—closed project--&gt;
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== See also ==
*[[m:Wikiquote]] statistics frequently updated

&lt;!-- interlang links --&gt;
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      <text bytes="68964" xml:space="preserve">:::''For the artist, see [[Francis Bacon (artist)]]''
[[File:William Larkin Francis Bacon.jpg|thumb|I have taken [[all]] [[knowledge]] to be my province.]]
'''[[w:Francis Bacon|Francis Bacon, 1st Viscount St. Alban]]''' KC ([[22 January]] [[1561]] – [[9 April]] [[1626]]) was an English [[philosopher]], [[statesman]] and [[essayist]]. His works argued for the possibility of scientific knowledge based only upon inductive reasoning and careful observation of events in nature. Most importantly, he argued this could be achieved by use of a sceptical and methodical approach whereby scientists aim to avoid misleading themselves. His general idea of the importance and possibility of a skeptical methodology makes Bacon the father of the [[scientific method]]. This marked a new turn in the rhetorical and theoretical framework for science, the practical details of which are still central in debates about science and methodology today. 
: See also:
:: ''[[The Great Instauration]]''
:: ''[[Ornamenta Rationalia]]''
:: ''[[Essays (Francis Bacon)]]''

== Quotes ==
*“Libraries are as the shrine where all the relics of the ancient saints, full of true virtue, and that without delusion or imposture, are preserved and reposed.”

[[File:18-year old Francis Bacon.jpg|thumb|I confess that I have as vast contemplative [[ends]], as I have moderate [[civil]] ends...]]
[[File:Francis Bacon, Viscount St Alban from NPG (2).jpg|thumb|The monuments of [[wit]] survive the monuments of [[power]].]]
[[File:Francis Bacon.jpg|thumb|[[Knowledge]] itself is [[power]].]]
[[File:F Goya Disparates No.2 Torheit der Furcht.jpg|thumb|[[Nothing]] is terrible except [[fear]] itself.]]
[[File:Der Sensemann2.jpg|thumb|[[Death]] is a [[friend]] of ours; and he that is not ready to entertain him is not at [[home]].]]
[[File:Peraldus Vices and Virtues.jpg|thumb|There is no [[vice]] that doth so cover a man with [[shame]] as to be found [[false]] and perfidious.]]

* '''I confess that I have as vast contemplative [[ends]], as I have moderate civil ends: for I have taken all [[knowledge]] to be my province'''; and if I could purge it of two sorts of rovers, whereof the one with frivolous disputations, confutations, and verbosities, the other with blind experiments and auricular traditions and impostures, hath committed so many spoils, I [[hope]] I should bring in industrious observations, grounded conclusions, and profitable inventions and discoveries; the best state of that province. This, whether it be [[curiosity]], or [[vain]] [[glory]], or [[nature]], or (if one take it favourably) [[Philanthropy|philanthropia]], is so fixed in my [[mind]] as it cannot be removed. And I do easily see, that place of any reasonable countenance doth bring commandment of more wits than of a man's own; which is the thing I greatly affect.
** Letter to [[William Cecil, 1st Baron Burghley]] (ca. 1593), published in ''The Works of Francis Bacon: Baron of Verulam, Viscount St. Alban, and Lord High Chancellor of England'' 14 Vols. (1870) James Spedding, Robert L. Ellis, Douglas D. Heath, editors, Vol. VIII p. 109. See also, for approximate date, Mrs. Henry Pott, ''Francis Bacon and His Secret Society'' (1891) [https://books.google.com/books?id=tKc_AAAAYAAJ&amp;pg=PA114 p. 114]

* '''The monuments of [[wit]] survive the monuments of [[power]].'''
** ''Essex's Device'' (1595)

* ''Nam et ipsa scientia potestas est.''
** '''[[Knowledge]] itself is [[power]].'''
** ''Meditationes Sacræ ''[''Sacred Meditations''] (1597) &quot;De Hæresibus&quot; [Of Heresies]
** Variants:
** ''Scientia Ipsa Potentia Est''.
** '''''[[w:Scientia potentia est|Scientia potentia est]]'''''.
*** '''Knowledge is power.'''
** ''Scientia potestas est''.
** ''Scientia est potentia''.

* Nay, number (itself) in armies, importeth not much, where the people is of weak [[courage]]; for (as [[Virgil]] saith) it never troubles the [[wolf]] how many the [[sheep]] be.
** ''Essays or Counsels Civil and Moral'' (1597), XXIX: &quot;Of the True Greatness of Kingdoms and Estates.&quot;

* It is not the pleasure of curiosity, nor the quiet of resolution, nor the raising of the spirit, nor victory of wit, nor faculty of speech ... that are the true ends of knowledge ... but it is a restitution and reinvesting, in great part, of man to the sovereignty and power, for whensoever he shall be able to call the creatures by their true names, he shall again command them.
** ''Valerius Terminus: Of the Interpretation of Nature'' (ca. 1603) ''Works'', Vol. 1, p. 83; ''The Works of Francis Bacon'' (1819) [https://books.google.com/books?id=xgE9AAAAYAAJ&amp;pg=PA133 p. 133,] Vol. 2

* '''Knowledge, that tendeth but to satisfaction, is but as a courtesan, which is for pleasure, and not for fruit or generation.'''
** ''Valerius Terminus: Of the Interpretation of Nature'' (ca. 1603) ''Works'', Vol. 1, p. 83; ''The Works of Francis Bacon'' (1819) [https://books.google.com/books?id=xgE9AAAAYAAJ&amp;pg=PA133 p. 133,] Vol. 2

* For I find that even those that have sought knowledge for itself and not for benefit, or ostentation, or any practical enablement in the course of their life, have nevertheless propounded to themselves a wrong mark, namely, satisfaction, which men call truth, and not operation. For as in the courts and services of princes and states, it is a much easier matter to give satisfaction than to do the business; so in the inquiring of causes and reasons it is much easier to find out such causes as will satisfy the mind of man, and quiet objections, than such causes as will direct him and give him light to new experiences and inventions.
** ''Valerius Terminus: Of the Interpretation of Nature'' (ca. 1603) ''Works'', Vol. 1; ''The Works of Francis Bacon'' (1857) [https://books.google.com/books?id=HloJAAAAQAAJ&amp;pg=PA232 p. 232,] Vol. 3.

* [[Aristotle]]... a mere bond-servant to his [[logic]], thereby rendering it contentious and well nigh useless.
** ''Rerum Novarum'' (1605)

* Lucid intervals and [[happy]] pauses.
** ''History of King Henry VII'', III (1622)

* ''Nil terribile nisi ipse timor.''
** '''[[Nothing]] is terrible except [[fear]] itself.'''
** ''De Augmentis Scientiarum'', Book II, Fortitudo (1623)

* Riches are a [[good]] handmaid, but the worst mistress.
** ''De Augmentis Scientiarum'', Book II, Antitheta (1623)

*''Audacter calumniare, semper aliquid haeret''.
** '''Hurl your calumnies boldly; something is sure to stick.'''
**''De Augmentis Scientiarum'' (1623)

* Credulity in arts and opinions... is likewise of two kinds viz., when men give too much belief to arts themselves, or to certain authors in any art. The sciences that sway the imagination more than the reason are principally three viz., astrology, natural magic, and alchemy... Alchemy may be compared to the man who told his sons that he had left them gold, buried somewhere in his vineyard; while they by digging found no gold, but by turning up the mould about the roots of the vines procured a plentiful vintage. So the search and endeavours to make gold have brought many useful inventions to light.
** ''De Augmentis Scientiarum'' (1623) as quoted by [[w:Thomas Edward Thorpe|Edward Thorpe]], ''History of Chemistry'', Vol. 1, p. 43.

* I bequeath my [[soul]] to [[God]]... My body to be buried obscurely. For my [[name]] and [[memory]], I leave it to men's charitable speeches, and to foreign nations, and the next age.
** His will (1626)

* We have also sound houses, where we practice and demonstrate all sounds and their generation. We have harmonies which you have not, of quarter sounds and lesser slides of sounds. Divers instruments of music likewise to you unknown, some sweeter than any you have; together with bells and rings that are dainty and sweet. We represent small sounds as great and deep; likewise divers trembling and warblings of sounds, which in their original are entire. We represent and imitate all articulate sounds and letters, and the voices of beasts and birds. We have certain helps which set to the ear to do further the hearing greatly. We have also divers strange and artificial echoes, reflecting the voice many times, and as if it were tossing it; and some that give back the voice louder than it came, some shriller and some deeper; yea, some rendering the voice, differing in the letters or articulate sound from that they receive. We have also means to convey sounds in tubes and pipes, in strange lines and distances...
** ''[http://www.constitution.org/bacon/new_atlantis.htm New Atlantis]'' (1627)

* '''It is true that may hold in these things, which is the general root of superstition; namely, that men observe when things hit, and not when they miss; and commit to memory the one, and forget and pass over the other.'''
** ''Sylva Sylvarum'' Century X (1627)

* '''Death is a friend of ours; and he that is not ready to entertain him is not at home.'''
** ''An Essay on Death'' published in ''The Remaines of the Right Honourable Francis Lord Verulam'' (1648) but may not have been written by Bacon

* '''[I]n the system of [[Nicolaus Copernicus|Copernicus]] there are found many and great inconveniences'''; for both the loading of the earth with triple motion is very incommodious, and the separation of the sun from the company of the planets, with which it has so many passions in common, is likewise a difficulty, and the introduction of so much immobility into nature, by representing the sun and stars as immovable, especially being of all bodies the highest and most radiant, and making the moon revolve about the earth in an epicycle, and some other '''assumptions of his, are the speculations of one who cares not what fictions he introduces into nature, provided his calculations answer.''' But if it be granted that the earth moves, it would seem more natural to suppose that there is no system at all, but scattered globes... than to constitute a system of which the sun is the centre. And this the consent of ages and of antiquity has rather embraced and approved. For the opinion concerning the motion of the earth is not new, but revived from the ancients... whereas the opinion that the sun is the centre of the world and immovable is altogether new... and was first introduced by Copernicus. ...But if the earth moves, the stars may either be stationary, as Copernicus thought or, as it is far more probable, and has been suggested by [[William Gilbert (astronomer)|Gilbert]], they may revolve each round its own centre in its own place, without any motion of its centre, as the earth itself does... But either way, there is no reason why there should not be stars above stars til they go beyond our sight.
** ''Descriptio Globi Intellectualis'' (1653, written ca. 1612) Ch. 6, as quoted in &quot;Description of the Intellectual Globe,&quot; ''The Works of Francis Bacon'' (1889) [https://books.google.com/books?id=lsILAAAAIAAJ&amp;pg=PA517 pp. 517-518,] Vol. 4, ed. {{w|James Spedding}}, {{w|Robert Leslie Ellis}}, [[w:Douglas Heath|Douglas Denon Heath]].

* Ne mireris, si vulgus verius loquatur quam honoratiores; quia etiam tutius loquitur.
** (Do not wonder, if the common people speak more truly than those of high rank; for they speak with more safety.)
*** ''Exempla Antithetorum'', ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=C9cQAAAAYAAJ&amp;q=&amp;quot;Ne+mireris+si+vulgus+verius+loquatur+quam+honoratiores+quia+etiam+tutius+loquitur&amp;quot;&amp;pg=PA692#v=onepage IX. Laus, Existimatio (Pro.)]''

* He that defers his charity 'till he is dead, is (if a man weighs it rightly) rather liberal of another man's, than of his own.
** ''Ornamenta Rationalia'' [[http://books.google.com/books?id=VHNUAAAAYAAJ&amp;q=&amp;quot;He+that+defers+his+charity+'till+he+is+dead+is+if+a+man+weighs+it&amp;quot;+&amp;quot;rather+liberal+of+another+man's+than+of+his+own&amp;quot;&amp;pg=PA298#v=onepage #55]]

*The law of nature teaches me to speak in my own defence: With respect to this charge of bribery I am as innocent as any man born on St. Innocents Day. I never had a bribe or reward in my eye or thought when pronouncing judgment or order... I am ready to make an oblation of myself to the King.   (17 April 1621) 
**Quoted by [[John Campbell, 1st Baron Campbell|Baron John Campbell]] (1818), J. Murray in &quot;The Lives of the Lord Chancellors and Keepers of the Great Seal of England&quot;

*My mind is calm, for my fortune is not my felicity. I know I have clean hands and a clean heart, and I hope a clean house for friends or servants; but Job himself, or whoever was the justest judge, by such hunting for matters against him as hath been used against me, may for a time seem foul, especially in a time when greatness is the mark and accusation is the game. 
**Quoted by Thomas Fowler in &quot;Francis Bacon 1561–1626,''  (1885)

* Whence we see spiders, flies, or ants entombed and preserved forever in amber, a more than royal tomb.
** ''Historia Vitæ et Mortis; Sylva Sylvarum'', Cent. i. Exper. 100, reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)

* When you wander, as you often delight to do, you wander indeed, and give never such satisfaction as the curious time requires. This is not caused by any natural defect, but first for want of election, when you, having a large and fruitful mind, should not so much labour what to speak as to find what to leave unspoken. Rich soils are often to be weeded.
** Letter of Expostulation to Coke, reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)

*[Jews] hate the name of Christ and have a secret and innate rancor against the people among whom they live.
** See ''[https://books.google.com.br/books?id=-bIAEAAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PT190 Silent Truth]'' by Mark Edwards

=== ''Meditationes sacræ'' (1597) ===
* If thou shalt aspire after the glorious acts of men, thy working shall be accompanied with compunction and strife, and thy remembrance followed with distaste and upbraidings; and justly doth it come to pass towards thee, O man, that since thou, which art God's work, doest him no reason in yielding him well-pleasing service, even thine own works also should reward thee with the like fruit of bitterness.
** ''Of The Works Of God and Man''

* For a man to love again where he is loved, it is the charity of publicans contracted by mutual profit and good offices; but '''to love a man's enemies is one of the cunningest points of the law of [[Christ]], and an imitation of the divine nature'''.
** ''Of The Exaltation of Charity''

*I dare affirm in knowledge of nature, that a little natural philosophy, and the first entrance into it, doth dispose the opinion to atheism; but on the other side, much natural philosophy and wading deep into it, will bring about men's minds to religion; wherefore atheism every way seems to be combined with folly and ignorance, seeing nothing can can be more justly allotted to be the saying of fools than this, &quot;There is no God&quot;
**''Of Atheism''

* ''&quot;You err, not knowing the Scriptures nor the power of God&quot;'' This canon is the mother of all canons against heresy; '''the causes of error are two; the ignorance of the will of God, and the ignorance or not sufficient consideration of his power'''.
** ''Of Heresies''

*Reading maketh a full man; conference a ready man; and writing an exact man.
**&quot;Of Studies&quot; 

*Read not to contradict and confute, nor to believe and take for granted, nor to find talk and discourse, but to weigh and consider. 
**&quot;Of Studies&quot; 

*Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, and some few to be chewed and digested; that is, some books are to be read only in parts; others to be read, but not curiously; and some few to be read wholly, and with diligence and attention.
**&quot;Of Studies&quot;

=== ''The Advancement of Learning'' (1605) ===
[[File:JUL Soul Iris.png|thumb|All [[knowledge]] and wonder (which is the seed of knowledge) is an impression of pleasure in itself.]]
[[File:Bacon's Rose.gif|alt=|thumb|If a man will [[begin]] with [[certainties]], he shall [[end]] in [[doubts]]; but if he will be content to begin with doubts he shall end in certainties.]]
[[File:William Blake - Christ in the Sepulchre, Guarded by Angels.jpg |thumb|In this theater of man's [[life]] it is reserved only for [[God]] and [[angels]] to be lookers on.]]
[[File:Bbrot225x225x24.PNG|thumb|Seek first the [[virtues]] of the [[mind]]; and other things either will come, or will not be wanted.]]
[[File:Brooklyn Museum - The Pharisees Question Jesus (Les pharisiens questionnent Jésus) - James Tissot.jpg|thumb|Our Saviour [[Christ]]... not being like man, which knows man's [[thoughts]] by his [[words]], but knowing man's thoughts immediately, He never answered their words, but their thoughts.]]

* '''For all [[knowledge]] and wonder (which is the seed of knowledge) is an impression of pleasure in itself.'''
** Book I, i, 3

* '''Let great authors have their due, as time, which is the author of authors, be not deprived of his due, which is, further and further to discover truth.'''
** Book I, iv, 10

* Time, which is the author of authors.
** Book I, iv, 12

* The two ways of contemplation are not unlike the two ways of action commonly spoken of by the ancients: the one plain and smooth in the beginning, and in the end impassable; the other rough and troublesome in the entrance, but after a while fair and even. So it is in contemplation: '''If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts; but if he will be content to begin with doubts he shall end in certainties.'''
** Book I, v, 8

* '''''Antiquitas saeculi juventus mundi.'' [The age of antiquity is the youth of the world.]''' These times are the ancient times, when the world is ancient, and not those which we account ancient ''ordine retrogrado'', by a computation backward from ourselves.
** Book I, v, 8

* '''The greatest error of all the rest is the mistaking or misplacing of the last or farthest end of [[knowledge]]: for men have entered into a desire of learning and knowledge, sometimes upon a natural curiosity and inquisitive appetite; sometimes to entertain their minds with variety and delight; sometimes for ornament and reputation; and sometimes to enable them to victory of wit and contradiction; and most times for lucre and profession; and seldom sincerely to give a true account of their gift of reason, to the benefit and use of men''': as if there were sought in knowledge a couch whereupon to rest a searching and restless spirit; or a tarrasse, for a wandering and variable mind to walk up and down with a fair prospect; or a tower of state, for a proud mind to raise itself upon; '''or a fort or commanding ground, for strife and contention; or a shop, for profit or sale; and not a rich storehouse, for the glory of the Creator and the relief of man's estate.'''
** Book I, v, 11

* It is manifest that there is no danger at all in the proportion or quantity of knowledge, how large soever, lest it should make it swell or out-compass itself; no, but it is merely the quality of knowledge, which, be it in quantity more or less, if it be taken without the true corrective thereof, hath in it some nature of venom or malignity, and some effects of that venom, which is ventosity or swelling. This corrective spice, the mixture whereof maketh knowledge so sovereign, is charity, which the Apostle immediately addeth to the former clause; for so he saith, &quot;Knowledge bloweth up, but charity buildeth up&quot;.
** Book I

* The sun, which passeth through pollutions and itself remains as pure as before.
** Book II

* Sacred and inspired divinity, the sabaoth and port of all men's labours and peregrinations.
** Book II

* Cleanness of body was ever deemed to proceed from a due reverence to God.
** Book II

* States as great engines move slowly.
** Book II

* '''The use of this feigned history hath been to give some shadow of satisfaction to the mind of man in those points wherein the nature of things doth deny it, the world being in proportion inferior to the soul'''; by reason whereof there is, agreeable to the spirit of man, a more ample greatness, a more exact goodness, and a more absolute variety, than can be found in the nature of things. '''Therefore, because the acts or events of true history have not that magnitude which satisfieth the mind of man, poesy feigneth acts and events greater and more heroical''': because true history propoundeth the successes and issues of actions not so agreeable to the merits of virtue and vice, therefore poesy feigns them more just in retribution, and more according to revealed providence: because true history representeth actions and events more ordinary, and less interchanged, therefore poesy endueth them with more rareness, and more unexpected and alternative variations: '''so as it appeareth that poesy serveth and conferreth to magnanimity, morality, and to delectation. And therefore it was ever thought to have some participation of divineness, because it doth raise and erect the mind, by submitting the shows of things to the desires of the mind; whereas reason doth buckle and bow the mind into the nature of things.'''
** Book II, iv, 2

* '''They are ill discoverers that think there is no land, when they can see nothing but sea.'''
** Book II, vii, 5

* '''But men must know that in this theater of man's life it is reserved only for God and angels to be lookers on.'''
** Book II, xx, 8

* We are much beholden to [[Niccolò Machiavelli|Machiavel]] and others, that write what men do, and not what they ought to do.
** Book II, xxi, 9

* The obliteration of the evil hath been practised by two means, some kind of redemption or expiation of that which is past, and an inception or account ''de novo'' for the time to come. But this part seemeth sacred and religious, and justly; for all good moral philosophy (as was said) is but a handmaid to religion.
** Book II, xxii, 14

* Only charity admitteth no excess. For so we see, aspiring to be like God in power, the angels transgressed and fell; ''Ascendam, et ero similis altissimo'': by aspiring to be like God in knowledge, man transgressed and fell; ''Eritis sicut Dii, scientes bonum et malum'': but by aspiring to a similitude of God in goodness or love, neither man nor angel ever transgressed, or shall transgress.
** Book II, XXII

* For man seeketh in society comfort, use, and protection: and they be three wisdoms of divers natures, which do often sever: wisdom of the behaviour, wisdom of business, and wisdom of state.
** Book II, xxiii

* Primum quaerite bona animi; caetera aut aderunt, aut non oberunt
** '''Seek first the virtues of the mind; and other things either will come, or will not be wanted'''
** Book II, xxxi

* '''I could not be true and constant to the argument I handle, if I were not willing to go beyond others; but yet not more willing than to have others go beyond me again''': which may the better appear by this, that I have propounded my opinions naked and unarmed, not seeking to preoccupate the liberty of men's judgments by confutations.
** Book II

* For the inquisition of Final Causes is barren, and like a virgin consecrated to God produces nothing.
** Book III, viii

* Silence is the virtue of a fool.
** Book VI, xxxi

* As we divided natural philosophy in general into the inquiry of [[w:Four causes|causes]], and productions of effects: so that part which concerneth the inquiry of causes we do subdivide according to the received and sound division of causes. The one part, which is [[Physics|physic]], inquireth and handleth the material and efficient causes; and the other, which is [[Metaphysics|metaphysic]], handleth the formal and final causes.
** Book VII, 3

* This misplacing hath caused a deficience, or at least a great improficience in the sciences themselves. For the handling of final causes, mixed with the rest in physical inquiries, hath intercepted the severe and diligent inquiry of all real and physical causes, and given men the occasion to stay upon these satisfactory and [[wiktionary:specious#Adjective|specious]] causes, to the great arrest and prejudice of further discovery. For this I find done not only by [[Plato]], who ever anchoreth upon that shore, but by [[Aristotle]], [[Galen]], and others which do usually likewise fall upon these flats of discoursing causes.
** Book VII, 7

* The [[w:Natural philosophy|natural philosophy]] of [[Democritus]] and some others, who did not suppose a mind or reason in the frame of things, but attributed the form thereof able to maintain itself to infinite essays or proofs of nature, which they term fortune, seemeth to me... in particularities of physical causes more real and better inquired than that of Aristotle and Plato; whereof both intermingled final causes, the one as a part of theology, and the other as a part of logic, which were the favourite studies respectively of both those persons. Not because those final causes are not true, and worthy to be inquired, being kept within their own province; but because their excursions into the limits of physical causes hath bred a vastness and solitude in that tract.
** Book VII, 7

* Neither did the dispensation of God vary in the times after our Saviour came into the world; for '''our Saviour himself did first show His power to subdue ignorance, by His conference with the priests and doctors of the law, before He showed His power to subdue nature by His miracles'''. And the coming of this Holy Spirit was chiefly figured and expressed in the similitude and gift of tongues, which are but vehicula scientiæ.

* Touching the secrets of the heart and the successions of time, doth make a just and sound difference between the manner of the exposition of the Scriptures and all other books. For '''it is an excellent observation which hath been made upon the answers of our Saviour [[Christ]] to many of the questions which were propounded to Him, how that they are impertinent to the state of the question demanded: the reason whereof is, because not being like man, which knows man's thoughts by his words, but knowing man's thoughts immediately, He never answered their words, but their thoughts. Much in the like manner it is with the Scriptures''', which being written to the thoughts of men, and to the succession of all ages, with a foresight of all heresies, contradictions, differing estates of the Church, yea, and particularly of the elect, are not to be interpreted only according to the latitude of the proper sense of the place, and respectively towards that present occasion whereupon the words were uttered, or in precise congruity or contexture with the words before or after, or in contemplation of the principal scope of the place; but have in themselves, not only totally or collectively, but distributively in clauses and words, infinite springs and streams of doctrine to water the Church in every part. And therefore as the literal sense is, as it were, the main stream or river, so the moral sense chiefly, and sometimes the allegorical or typical, are they whereof the Church hath most use; not that I wish men to be bold in allegories, or indulgent or light in allusions: but that I do much condemn that interpretation of the Scripture which is only after the manner as men use to interpret a profane book.
** XXV. (17)

=== ''[[w:Novum Organum|Novum Organum]]'' (1620)===
[[File:Square1.jpg|thumb|Man, being the servant and interpreter of [[Nature]], can do and [[understand]] so much and so much only as he has observed in [[fact]] or in [[thought]] of the course of nature. Beyond this he neither [[knows]] anything nor can do anything.]]
:&lt;small&gt; ''Novum Organum Scientiarum'' also known as ''The New Organon''&lt;/small&gt; 

* '''Those who have taken upon them to lay down the [[law]] of [[nature]] as a thing already searched out and [[understood]], whether they have spoken in simple assurance or professional affectation, have therein done [[philosophy]] and the [[sciences]] great [[injury]].''' For as they have been successful in inducing belief, so they have been effective in quenching and stopping inquiry; and have done more harm by spoiling and putting an end to other men's efforts than good by their own. Those on the other hand who have taken a contrary course, and asserted that absolutely nothing can be known — whether it were from hatred of the ancient sophists, or from uncertainty and fluctuation of mind, or even from a kind of fullness of learning, that they fell upon this opinion — have certainly advanced reasons for it that are not to be despised; but yet they have neither started from true principles nor rested in the just conclusion, zeal and affectation having carried them much too far.... &lt;br /&gt;  Now my method, though hard to practice, is easy to explain; and it is this. I propose to establish progressive stages of certainty. The evidence of the sense, helped and guarded by a certain process of correction, I retain. But the mental operation which follows the act of sense I for the most part reject; and instead of it '''I open and lay out a new and certain path for the mind to proceed in, starting directly from the simple sensuous perception.'''

* We are wont to call that human reasoning which we apply to Nature the ''anticipation of Nature'' (as being rash and premature) and that which is properly deduced from things the ''interpretation of Nature''.

==== Book I ====
[[File:WhereRainbowRises.jpg|thumb|[[Human]] [[knowledge]] and human [[power]] meet in one; for where the cause is not known the effect cannot be produced. [[Nature]] to be commanded must be obeyed...]]
[[File:Rainbow droplet 630x441.jpg|thumb|The subtlety of [[nature]] is [[greater]] many times over than the subtlety of [[argument]].]]
[[File:Prism.png|thumb|We cannot command [[nature]] except by obeying her.]]
[[File:Universum.jpg|thumb|We cannot conceive of any [[end]] or limit to the [[world]], but always as of [[necessity]] it occurs to us that there is something beyond...]]
[[File:Stanford torus under construction.jpg|thumb|By far the greatest obstacle to the [[progress]] of [[science]] and to the undertaking of new tasks and provinces therein is found in this — that men despair and think things impossible.]]
[[File:STS-116_launch.jpg|thumb|Let men but think over their infinite expenditure of [[understanding]], [[time]], and means on matters and pursuits of far less use and [[value]]; whereof, if but a small part were directed to sound and solid studies, there is no difficulty that might not be overcome.]]
[[File:Universeglass.JPG|thumb|[[Truth]] therefore and utility are here the very same thing...]]

* '''Man, being the servant and interpreter of Nature, can do and understand so much and so much only as he has observed in fact or in thought of the course of nature. Beyond this he neither knows anything nor can do anything.'''
** Aphorism 1

* The unassisted hand and the understanding left to itself possess but little power. Effects are produced by the means of instruments and helps, which the understanding requires no less than the hand; and as instruments either promote or regulate the motion of the hand, so those that are applied to the mind prompt or protect the understanding.
** Aphorism 2

* '''Human knowledge and human power meet in one; for where the cause is not known the effect cannot be produced. Nature to be commanded must be obeyed; and that which in contemplation is as the cause is in operation as the rule.'''
** Aphorism 3

* It would be an unsound fancy and self-contradictory to expect that things which have never yet been done can be done except by means which have never yet been tried.
** Aphorism 6

* '''The logic now in use serves rather to fix and give stability to the errors which have their foundation in commonly received notions than to help the search for truth. So it does more harm than good.'''
** Aphorism 7

* The cause and root of nearly all evils in the sciences is this — that while we falsely admire and extol the powers of the human mind we neglect to seek for its true helps.
** Aphorism 9

* '''There are and can be only two ways of searching into and discovering truth.''' The one flies from the senses and particulars to the most general axioms, and from these principles, the truth of which it takes for settled and immovable, proceeds to judgment and to the discovery of middle axioms. And this way is now in fashion. '''The other derives axioms from the senses and particulars, rising by a gradual and unbroken ascent, so that it arrives at the most general axioms last of all. This is the true way, but as yet untried.'''
** Aphorism 19

* '''There is a great difference between the Idols of the human mind and the Ideas of the divine.''' That is to say, between certain empty dogmas, and the true signatures and marks set upon the works of creation as they are found in nature.
** Aphorism 23

* '''It cannot be that axioms established by argumentation should avail for the discovery of new works, since the subtlety of nature is greater many times over than the subtlety of argument.''' But axioms duly and orderly formed from particulars easily discover the way to new particulars, and thus render sciences active.
** Aphorism 24

* '''Further, it will not be amiss to distinguish the three kinds and, as it were, grades of ambition in mankind.''' The first is of those who desire to extend their own power in their native country, a vulgar and degenerate kind. The second is of those who labor to extend the power and dominion of their country among men. This certainly has more dignity, though not less covetousness. But if a man endeavor to establish and extend the power and dominion of the human race itself over the universe, his ambition (if ambition it can be called) is without doubt both a more wholesome and a more noble thing than the other two. Now the empire of man over things depends wholly on the arts and sciences. For '''we cannot command nature except by obeying her.'''
** Aphorism 129

* '''There are four classes of Idols which beset men's minds.''' To these for distinction's sake I have assigned names — calling the first class, [[w:Idolon tribus|Idols of the Tribe]]; the second, [[w:Idolon specus|Idols of the Cave]]; the third, Idols of the Market-Place; the fourth, Idols of the Theater.
** Aphorism 39

* '''The Idols of Tribe have their foundation in human nature itself, and in the tribe or race of men. For it is a false assertion that the sense of man is the measure of things.''' On the contrary, all perceptions as well of the sense as of the mind are according to the measure of the individual and not according to the measure of the universe. And '''the human understanding is like a false mirror, which, receiving rays irregularly, distorts and discolors the nature of things by mingling its own nature with it.'''
** Aphorism 41

* '''The Idols of the Cave are the idols of the individual man. For everyone (besides the errors common to human nature in general) has a cave or den of his own, which refracts and discolors the light of nature, owing either to his own proper and peculiar nature; or to his education and conversation with others'''; or to the reading of books, and the authority of those whom he esteems and admires; or to the differences of impressions, accordingly as they take place in a mind preoccupied and predisposed or in a mind indifferent and settled; or the like. So that the spirit of man (according as it is meted out to different individuals) is in fact a thing variable and full of perturbation, and governed as it were by chance. Whence it was well observed by Heraclitus that men look for sciences in their own lesser worlds, and not in the greater or common world.
** Aphorism 42

* '''There are also Idols formed by the intercourse and association of men with each other, which I call Idols of the Market Place, on account of the commerce and consort of men there.''' For it is by discourse that men associate, and words are imposed according to the apprehension of the vulgar. And therefore the ill and unfit choice of words wonderfully obstructs the understanding. Nor do the definitions or explanations wherewith in some things learned men are wont to guard and defend themselves, by any means set the matter right. '''But words plainly force and overrule the understanding, and throw all into confusion, and lead men away into numberless empty controversies and idle fancies.'''
** Aphorism 43

* '''Lastly, there are Idols which have immigrated into men's minds from the various dogmas of philosophies, and also from wrong laws of demonstration. These I call Idols of the Theater, because in my judgment all the received systems are but so many stage plays, representing worlds of their own creation after an unreal and scenic fashion.'''
** Aphorism 44

* '''The human understanding is of its own nature prone to suppose the existence of more order and regularity in the world than it finds.''' And though there be many things in nature which are singular and unmatched, yet it devises for them parallels and conjugates and relatives which do not exist. Hence the fiction that all celestial bodies move in perfect circles, spirals and dragons being (except in name) utterly rejected.
** Aphorism 45

* '''The human understanding when it has once adopted an opinion''' (either as being the received opinion or as being agreeable to itself) draws all things else to support and agree with it. And though there be a greater number and weight of instances to be found on the other side, '''yet these it either neglects and despises,''' or else by some distinction sets aside and rejects,''' in order that by this great and pernicious predetermination the authority of its former conclusions may remain inviolate.'''
** Aphorism 46

* ...it is the peculiar and perpetual error of the human understanding to be more moved and excited by affirmatives than by negatives...
** Aphorism 46

* The human understanding is moved by those things most which strike and enter the mind simultaneously and suddenly, and so fill the imagination; and then it feigns and supposes all other things to be somehow, though it cannot see how, similar to those few things by which it is surrounded.
** Aphorism 47

* The human understanding is unquiet; it cannot stop or rest, and still presses onward, but in vain. Therefore it is that '''we cannot conceive of any end or limit to the world, but always as of necessity it occurs to us that there is something beyond...''' But he is no less an unskilled and shallow philosopher who seeks causes of that which is most general, than he who in things subordinate and subaltern omits to do so.
** Aphorism 48

* '''But by far the greatest hindrance and aberration of the human understanding proceeds from the dullness, incompetency, and deceptions of the senses'''; in that things which strike the sense outweigh things which do not immediately strike it, though they be more important. Hence it is that speculation commonly ceases where sight ceases; insomuch that of things invisible there is little or no observation.
** Aphorism 50

* But the best demonstration by far is experience, if it go not beyond the actual experiment.
** Aphorism 70

* In the same manner as we are cautioned by religion to show our faith by our works we may very properly apply the principle to philosophy, and judge of it by its works; accounting that to be futile which is unproductive, and still more so, if instead of grapes and olives it yield but the thistle and thorns of dispute and contention.
** Aphorism 73

* '''It is not possible to run a course aright when the goal itself has not been rightly placed.'''
** Aphorism 81

* '''But by far the greatest obstacle to the progress of science and to the undertaking of new tasks and provinces therein is found in this — that men despair and think things impossible.'''
** Aphorism 92

* '''The beginning is from God: for the business which is in hand, having the character of good so strongly impressed upon it, appears manifestly to proceed from God, who is the author of good, and the Father of Lights.''' Now in divine operations even the smallest beginnings lead of a certainty to their end. And as it was said of spiritual things, &quot;''The kingdom of God cometh not with observation'',&quot; so is it in all the greater works of Divine Providence; everything glides on smoothly and noiselessly, and the work is fairly going on &quot;before men are aware that it has begun. Nor should the prophecy of [[Daniel]] be forgotten, touching the last ages of the world: —&quot;''Many shall go to and fro, and knowledge shall be increased'';&quot; clearly intimating that '''the thorough passage of the world''' (which now by so many distant voyages seems to be accomplished, or in course of accomplishment), '''and the advancement of the sciences, are destined by fate, that is, by Divine Providence, to meet in the same age.'''
** Aphorism 93

* '''Those who have handled sciences have been either men of experiment or men of dogmas. The men of experiment are like the ant, they only collect and use; the reasoners resemble spiders, who make cobwebs out of their own substance. But the bee takes a middle course: it gathers its material from the flowers of the garden and of the field, but transforms and digests it by a power of its own.''' Not unlike this is the true business of philosophy; for it neither relies solely or chiefly on the powers of the mind, nor does it take the matter which it gathers from natural history and mechanical experiments and lay it up in the memory whole, as it finds it, but lays it up in the understanding altered and digested. '''Therefore from a closer and purer league between these two faculties, the experimental and the rational (such as has never yet been made), much may be hoped.'''
** Aphorism 95

* '''No one has yet been found so firm of mind and purpose as resolutely to compel himself to sweep away all theories and common notions, and to apply the understanding, thus made fair and even, to a fresh examination of particulars.''' Thus it happens that human knowledge, as we have it, is a mere medley and ill-digested mass, made up of much credulity and much accident, and also of the childish notions which we at first imbibed.
** Aphorism 97

* '''Another argument of hope may be drawn from this — that some of the inventions already known are such as before they were discovered it could hardly have entered any man's head to think of; they would have been simply set aside as impossible.''' For in conjecturing what may be men set before them the example of what has been, and divine of the new with an imagination preoccupied and colored by the old; which way of forming opinions is very fallacious, for '''streams that are drawn from the springheads of nature do not always run in the old channels.'''
** Aphorism 109

* '''There is another ground of hope that must not be omitted. Let men but think over their infinite expenditure of understanding, time, and means on matters and pursuits of far less use and value; whereof, if but a small part were directed to sound and solid studies, there is no difficulty that might not be overcome.'''
** Aphorism 111

* '''Let men learn (as we have said above) the difference that exists between the idols of the human mind, and the ideas of the Divine mind. The former are mere arbitrary abstractions; the latter the true marks of the Creator on his creatures, as they are imprinted on, and defined in matter, by true and exquisite touches.''' Truth, therefore, and utility are here perfectly identical.
** Aphorism 124

* Again, we should notice the force, effect, and consequences of inventions, which are nowhere more conspicuous than in those three which were unknown to the ancients; namely, '''printing, gunpowder, and the compass.''' For '''these three have changed the appearance and state of the whole world; first in literature, then in warfare, and lastly in navigation''': and innumerable changes have been thence derived, so that '''no empire, sect, or star, appears to have exercised a greater power and influence on human affairs than these mechanical discoveries.'''
** Aphorism 129

==== Book II ====
[[File:M51 whirlpool galaxy black hole.jpg|thumb|[[Truth]] will sooner come out from [[error]] than from [[confusion]].]]

* '''Truth will sooner come out from error than from confusion.'''
** Aphorism 20

* Above all, every relation must be considered as suspicious, which depends in any degree upon religion, as the prodigies of [[Livy]]: And no less so, everything that is to be found in the writers of natural magic or alchemy, or such authors, who seem, all of them, to have an unconquerable appetite for falsehood and fable.
** Aphorism 29

* [N]ot only must we seek the measure of motions and actions by themselves, but much more in comparison; for this is of excellent use and very general application. Now we find that the flash of a gun is seen sooner than its report is heard... and this is owing it seems to the motion of light being more rapid than that of sound. We find to that visible images are received by the sight faster than they are dismissed; thus the strings of the violin, when struck by the finger, are to appearance doubled and tripled, because the new image is received before the old one is gone; which is also why the reason why rings being spun round look like globes, and a lighted torch, carried hastily at night, seems to have a tail. And it was upon this inequality of motions in point of velocity that [[Galileo Galilei|Galileo]] built his theory of flux and reflux of the sea; supposing that the earth revolved faster than the water could follow; and that the water was therefore first gathered in a heap and then fell down, as we see in a basin of water moved quickly. But this he devised upon an assumption which cannot be allowed, viz. that the earth moves; and also without being well informed as to the sexhorary motion of the tide.
** Aphorism 46

* Since my logic aims to teach and instruct the understanding, not that it may with the slender tendrils of the mind snatch at and lay hold of abstract notions (as the common logic does), but that it may in very truth dissect nature, and discover the virtues and actions of bodies, with their laws as determined in matter; so that this science flows not merely from the nature of the mind, but also from the nature of things.
** Aphorism 52

* To God, truly, the Giver and Architect of Forms, and it may be to the angels and higher intelligences, it belongs to have an affirmative knowledge of forms immediately, and from the first contemplation. But this assuredly is more than man can do, to whom it is granted only to proceed at first by negatives, and at last to end in affirmatives, after exclusion has been exhausted.
** Aphorism XV

=== ''Apophthegms'' (1624)===
[[File:Statua Marco Aurelio Musei Capitolini Fronte2.JPG|thumb|Old wood best to burn, old [[wine]] to [[drink]], old [[friends]] to [[trust]], and old authors to [[read]].]]

* My Lord St. Albans said that Nature did never put her precious jewels into a garret four stories high, and therefore that exceeding tall men had ever very empty heads.
** No. 17

* '''Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.'''
** No. 36

* Like strawberry wives, that laid two or three great strawberries at the mouth of their pot, and all the rest were little ones.
** No. 54

* Sir Henry Wotton used to say that critics are like brushers of noblemen's clothes.
** No. 64

* Sir Amice Pawlet, when he saw too much haste made in any matter, was wont to say. &quot;Stay a while, that we may make an end the sooner.&quot;
** No. 76

* Alonso of Aragon was wont to say in commendation of age, that age appears to be best in four things — old wood best to burn, old wine to drink, old friends to trust, and old authors to read.
** No. 97

* [[w:Pyrrhus_of_Epirus|Pyrrhus]], when his friends congratulated to him his victory over the Romans under Fabricius, but with great slaughter of his own side, said to them, &quot;Yes; but if we have such another victory, we are undone&quot;. 
** No. 193

* [[Cosimo de' Medici|Cosmus, Duke of Florence]], was wont to say of perfidious friends, that &quot;We read that we ought to forgive our enemies; but we do not read that we ought to forgive our friends.&quot;
** No. 206

* [[Cato]] said the best way to keep good acts in memory was to refresh them with new.
** No. 247

=== ''The World'' (1629) ===
* '''The world's a bubble, and the life of man &lt;br /&gt; Less than a span.'''

* Who then to frail mortality shall trust &lt;br /&gt; But limns the water, or but writes in dust.

* What then remains but that we still should cry &lt;br /&gt; Not to be born, or, being born, to die?

=== ''Resuscitatio'' (1657) ===
* '''Books must follow sciences, and not sciences books.'''
** ''Proposition touching Amendment of Laws''

== Quotes about Francis Bacon ==
[[File:The explosion of the hydrogen bomb Ivy Mike.jpg|thumb|Knowledge, which is power, knows no limits, either in its enslavement of creation or in its deference to worldly masters. ~ [[Max Horkheimer|Horkheimer]] and [[Theodor Adorno|Adorno]]]]

*Bacon was one of the first to strike the key-note of materialism, not only by his inductive method (renovated from ill-digested Aristotle), but by the general tenor of his writings. He inverts the order of mental Evolution when saying that &quot;the first Creation of God was the light of the sense; the last was the light of the reason; and his Sabbath work ever since is the illumination of the Spirit.&quot; It is just the reverse. 
**[[Helena Blavatsky]] in   &quot;[[The Secret Doctrine]]&quot; Vol. 1, (1888) p. 481

* The &quot;Baconian&quot; sciences were the kind Francis Bacon had in mind when he issued a call to revitalize science by basing it on craftsmen's knowledge of nature. Bacon is remembered as the most effective critic of the traditional learning promulgated the elite institutions of his day. ...Bacon advocated compiling a &quot;history of arts,&quot; or encyclopedia of crafts knowledge...
** [[Clifford D. Conner]], ''A People's History of Science'' (2005)

*&quot;3.7&quot; (Bacon's stage in evolution);  7 4 4 6 3  (Major rays)
**[[Benjamin Creme]] in ''Maitreya's Mission Vol 1'', (1986)

* This is unquestionably the nature of the [[Inductive reasoning|principle of induction]] as proposed by Lord Bacon. Its useful and successful application, however, to the various departments of knowledge,—and there is scarcely any department to which, under suitable modifications, it may not be advantageously applied,—requires much care, attention, and assiduous patience. Bacon, therefore, employs the chief part of the first book of the ''Novum Organum'' in exposing the various prejudices and futile anticipations, which he calls the idols of the human mind, in contradistinction to the ideas of the divine mind, or those impressions of truth which are stamped upon the various elements and orders of creation. These idols he ranges under the four general classes, which he quaintly but expressively denominates Idols of the ''Tribe'', Idols of the ''Den'', Idols of the ''Forum'', and Idols of the ''Theatre''. The first class of idols, or prejudices, he represents as naturally inherent in the race of men, on account of the narrowness and imperfection of their views; the second, as peculiar to individuals, and arising from their peculiar habits and pursuits, hence entitled idols of the den or cave; the third, as springing from the mutual intercourse of mankind with each other, hence called idols of the forum or market; and the fourth, as originating in the false and fantastic theories of philosophers, exhibited from age to age as so many scenic representations on the stage of the intellectual world, and therefore appropriately styled idols of the theatre.
** John Davies (D.D., Hon. Canon of Durham), ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=6-VhAAAAcAAJ The Handmaid, or, The Pursuits of Literature and Philosophy, Considered as Subservient to the Interests of Morality and Religion: Five Dissertations]'' (1841)

*His achievement was not the less great because it was indirect. His philosophical works, though little read now, &quot;moved the intellects which moved the world.&quot; He made himself the eloquent voice of the optimism and resolution of the Renaissance. Never was any man so great a stimulus to other thinkers... The whole tenor and career of British thought have followed the philosophy of Bacon. His tendency to conceive the world in Democritean mechanical terms gave to his secretary, Hobbes, the starting-point for a thorough-going materialism; his inductive metbod gave to Locke the idea of an empirical psychology, bound by observation and freed from theology and metaphysics; and his emphasis on &quot;commodities&quot; and &quot;fruits&quot; found formulation in Bentham's identification of the useful and the good. Wherever the spirit of control has overcome the spirit of resignation, Bacon's influence has been felt. He is the voice of all those Europeans who have changed a continent from a forest into a treasure-land of art and science, and have made their little peninsula the center of the world... Everything is possible to man. Time is young; give us some little centuries, and we shall control and remake all things. We shall perhaps at last learn the noblest lesson of all, that man must not fight man, but must make war only on the obstacles that nature offers to the triumph of man.
**[[w:Will Durant|Will Durant]], [[w:The Story of Philosophy|''The Story of Philosophy: the Lives and Opinions of the Greater Philosophers'']] (1926) 

* For Bacon as for [[Martin Luther|Luther]], &quot;knowledge that tendeth but to satisfaction, is but as a courtesan, which is for pleasure, and not for fruit or generation.&quot; Its concern is not &quot;satisfaction, which men call truth,&quot; but &quot;operation,&quot; the effective procedure. The &quot;true end, scope or office of knowledge&quot; does not consist in &quot;any plausible, delectable, reverend or admired discourse, or any satisfactory arguments, but in effecting and working, and in discovery of particulars not revealed before, for the better endowment and help of man's life.&quot; There shall be neither mystery nor any desire to reveal mystery.
** [[Max Horkheimer]] and [[Theodor W. Adorno]], ''[[Dialectic of Enlightenment]]'' (1947), p. 2

* ''Das Wissen, das Macht ist, kennt keine Schranken, weder in der Versklavung der Kreatur noch in der Willfähigkeit gegen die Herren der Welt''. 
** Knowledge, which is power, knows no limits, either in its enslavement of creation or in its deference to worldly masters.
*** [[Max Horkheimer]] and [[Theodor W. Adorno]], ''[[Dialectic of Enlightenment]]'' (1947), p. 2

* Francis Bacon long ago called attention to the play of predispositions or prejudices in man's life when he wrote of four &quot;Idols,&quot; or types of false opinion, that man must avoid if he wishes to attain sound judgements.&lt;br /&gt;...1. ''The idols of the tribe'' are those false opinions which, by the very nature of man himself, are likely to distort and discolor his judgements. Bacon recognized &quot;the mind&quot; as an active agent that tended to project its own whims and desires into its surroundings... therefore... man, collectively speaking, tends to be anthropocentric or &quot;man-centered&quot; in his investigations of nature.&lt;br /&gt;2. ''The idols of the cave'' are those errors which the individual makes in consequence of his peculiar or personal temperament and background. Each individual has been inevitably, if not unduly, influenced by certain traditions, authorities, and the like which have been especially admired in the particular &quot;cave&quot; or locality where his values came about as a reflection of what his associates valued.&lt;br /&gt;3. ''The idols of the market place'' are those errors which arise as a result of the ways we confuse one another, especially through the nonrigorous and vague or ambiguous use of language. Bacon recognized that language does not necessarily reflect either the content or the structure of reality, that it is quite possible to create &quot;names&quot; for nonexistent things. Men may think that reason governs the use of words; but in reality it is often words which govern reason.&lt;br /&gt;4. ''The idols of the theater'' are those errors or false opinions imbedded in an uncritically accepted tradition. Thus, pride of race, exaggerated nationalism, or perverted patriotism may become the essential traditions of a culture; and in some communities children grow up in a climate of social snobbery, narrow sectarianism in religion, and strict partisanism in politics.&lt;br /&gt;Bacon believed that &quot;the power of reason&quot; gave man the ability to rise above prejudice.
** H. Gordon Hullfish, Philip G. Smith, ''Reflective Thinking: The Method of Education'' (1961)

* Francis Bacon had essayed to sum up the past of physical science, and to indicate the path which it must follow if its great destinies were to be fulfilled. And though the attempt was just such a magnificent failure as might have been expected from a man of great endowments, who was so singularly devoid of scientific insight that he could not understand the value of the work already achieved by the true instaurators of physical science; yet the majestic eloquence and the fervid [[wiktionary:vaticination#Noun|vaticinations]] of one who was conspicuous alike by the greatness of his rise and the depth of his fall, drew the attention of all the world to the 'new birth of Time.'
** [[Thomas Henry Huxley]], ''[[The Advance of Science in the Last Half-Century]]'' (1889)

* [[René Descartes|Descartes]] was an eminent mathematician, and it would seem that the bent of his mind led him to overestimate the value of deductive reasoning from general principles, as much as Bacon had underestimated it.
** Thomas Henry Huxley, The Advance of Science in the Last Half-Century (1889)

* To anyone who knows the business of investigation practically, Bacon's notion of establishing a company of investigators to work for 'fruits,' as if the pursuit of knowledge were a kind of mining operation and only required well-directed picks and shovels, seems very strange.
** [[Thomas Henry Huxley]], [[The Advance of Science in the Last Half-Century]] (1889)

*The Head of the Seventh Ray is the Master the [[Comte de St. Germain]], known to history in the eighteenth century, whom we sometimes call the Master Rakoczy, as he is the last survivor of [[W:Rákóczi|that royal house]]. He was [[Francis Bacon]], [[W:Earl of Verulam|Lord Verulam]], in the seventeenth century, Robertus the monk in the sixteenth, [[w:John Hunyadi|Hunyadi Janos]] in the fifteenth, [[W:Christian Rosenkreuz|Christian Rosenkreuz]] in the fourteenth, and [[W:Roger Bacon|Roger Bacon]] in the thirteenth; he is the Hungarian Adept of The Occult World. Further back in time he was the great Neoplatonist [[Proclus]] and before that [[w:Saint Alban|St. Alban]]. p. 258
**[[C. W. Leadbeater]]  in [https://www.theosophy.world/sites/default/files/ebooks/MastersandthePath.pdf ''The Masters and the Path''] (1925)
 
* Since... it appears that [[Aristotle]] very distinctly recognized the cardinal principles of the Baconian philosophy, why... has the world credited Bacon with a great reform in the very attacks he made on Aristotle? The answer is simple. Bacon did not attack the Method which Aristotle ''taught''; indeed, he was very imperfectly acquainted with it. He attacked the Method which the followers of Aristotle ''practised''.
** [[George Henry Lewes]], ''[[Aristotle: a Chapter from the History of Science]]'' (1864)

*Bacon has been accused of servility, of dissimulation, of various base motives, and their filthy brood of base actions, all unworthy of his high birth, and incompatible with his great wisdom, and the estimation in which he was held by the noblest spirits of the age. It is true that there were men in his own time, and will be men in all times, who are better pleased to count spots in the sun than to rejoice in its glorious brightness. Such men have openly libelled him, like Dewes and Weldon, whose falsehoods were detected as soon as uttered, or have fastened upon certain ceremonious compliments and dedications, the fashion of his day, as a sample of his servility, passing over his noble letters to the Queen, his lofty contempt for the Lord Keeper Puckering, his open dealing with Sir Robert Cecil, and with others, who, powerful when he was nothing, might have blighted his opening fortunes for ever, forgetting his advocacy of the rights of the people in the face of the court, and the true and honest counsels, always given by him, in times of great difficulty, both to Elizabeth and her successor. When was a &quot;base sycophant&quot; loved and honoured by piety such as that of Herbert, Tennison, and Rawley, by noble spirits like Hobbes, Ben Jonson, and Selden, or followed to the grave, and beyond it, with devoted affection such as that of Sir Thomas Meautys.
**Basil Montagu . Essays and Selections. pp. 325–326.  ISBN-13 : 978-1164636656.   (1837)

* The doctrine of the ''Novum Organum'' may be summed up, from our point of view, as the sovereignty of technique. It represents, not merely a preoccupation with technique combined with a recognition that technical knowledge is never the whole of knowledge, but the assertion that technique and some material for it to work upon are all that matters. Nevertheless, this is not itself the beginning of the new intellectual fashion, it is only an early and unmistakable intimation of it: the fashion itself may be said to have sprung from the exaggeration of Bacon's hopes rather than from the character of his beliefs.
** [[Michael Oakeshott]], &quot;Rationalism in Politics&quot; (1947), published in ''Rationalism in Politics and other essays'' (1962)

* If parts allure thee, think how Bacon shin'd&lt;br /&gt;The wisest, brightest, meanest of mankind.
** [[Alexander Pope]], ''[[Essay on Man]]'' (1732-1734)

* He never took a pride, as in the humour of some, in putting any of his guests, or that otherwise discours'd with him, to the blush; but was ever ready to countenance and encourage their abilities, whatever they were. Neither was he one that would appropriate the discourse to himself alone, but left a liberty to the rest of the company to take their turns; wherein he took pleasure to hear a man speak in his own faculty, and would draw him on, and allure him to discourse upon such a subject. And for himself, he despised no man's observations; but would light his torch at any man's candle.
** [[w:William Rawley|William Rawley]], &quot;The Life Of the Honourable Author&quot; in ''Lord Bacon's Essays, &amp;c.'' Vol. II (London: 1720), pp. xiii–xiv. Cf. [[w:Francis Osborne|Francis Osborne]], ''Advice to a Son'': &quot;Thus he [Lord Bacon] did not only learn himself, but gratify such as taught him; who looked upon their callings as honoured through his notice&quot;.

* When Bacon, who commended [[w:Henry_VII_of_England|Henry VII]] for protecting the tenant right of the small farmer, and pleaded in the House of Commons for more drastic land legislation, wrote &quot;Wealth is like muck. It is not good but if it be spread,&quot; he was expressing in an epigram what was the commonplace of every writer on politics from [[w:John_Fortescue_(judge)|Fortescue]] at the end of the fifteenth century to [[w:James_Harrington_(author)|Harrington]] in the middle of the seventeenth.
** [[R. H. Tawney]], ''[[The Acquisitive Society]]'' (1920); also see Bacon's [http://books.google.com/books?id=Q2W1AAAAIAAJ&amp; ''History of the Reign of King Henry VII''] (1622)

* The Lord Chancellor was not particularly interested in the writings of the humanists.
** Carlos G. Noreña. 1907. Juan Luis Vives. Springer Science &amp; Business Media. 241. 

* The case of the Baconians is not won until it has been proved that the substitution of covetousness for wantlessness, or an ascending spiral of desires for a stable requirement of necessities, leads to a happier condition.
** [[Richard Weaver]], ''Ideas Have Consequences'' (Chicago: 1948), pp. 14-15

* If Bacon had weighed well all that Science had achieved in his time, and had laid down a complete scheme of rules for scientific research, so far as they could be collected from the lights of that age, it would still be incumbent upon the philosophical world to augment as well as preserve the inheritance which he left; by combining with his doctrines such new views as the advances of later times cannot fail to produce or suggest; and by endeavouring to provide, for every kind of truth, methods of research as effective as those to which we owe the clearest and surest portions of our knowledge. Such a renovation and extension of the reform of philosophy appears to belong peculiarly to our own time.
** [[William Whewell]], ''[[History of the Inductive Sciences]]'' (1837)

* The Great Reform of Philosophy and Method, in which Bacon so eloquently called upon men to unite their exertions in his day, has, even in ours, been very imperfectly carried into effect. And even if his plan had been fully executed, it would now require to be pursued and extended.
** William Whewell, ''History of the Inductive Sciences'' (1837)

* The ''Novum Organon'' of Bacon was suitably ushered into the world by his ''Advancement of Learning''; and any attempt to continue and extend his Reform of the Methods and Philosophy of Science may, like his, be most fitly preceded by, and founded upon, a comprehensive Survey of the existing state of human knowledge.
** [[William Whewell]], ''[[History of the Inductive Sciences]]'' (1837)

{{Disputed begin}}

== Disputed ==
* '''Imagination was given to man to compensate for what he is not, and a sense of humor to console him for what he is.'''
** Attributed to Bacon without citation of work in ''Geary's Guide to the World's Great Aphorists'' (2007) by James Geary, p. 112; this is sometimes attributed to others, also without citation of works, but is most often quoted as an anonymous aphorism, with no published sources yet located prior to ''The Deke Quarterly'', Vol. 56, No. 3 (1938)

{{Disputed end}}

{{Misattributed begin}}

==Misattributed==
* Choose the best life; for habit will make it pleasant
** [[Epictetus]], Fragment 144

* For behavior, men learn it, as they take diseases, one of another.
** In an essay by [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], &quot;Solitude and Society&quot; in ''The Atlantic Monthly'', Vol. 1, (December 1857), p. 228, this follows a statement clearly attributed to Bacon, which might be a paraphrase. Without explicit citation, this is added to the parapgraph with quote marks but seems to be a paraphrase of lines by [[William Shakespeare]], from ''King Henry IV'', Part II, Act V, scene 1: &quot;It is certain that either wife bearing or ignorant carriage is caught, as men take diseases, one of another: therefore let men take heed of their company.&quot;

*It is a sad fate for a man to die too well known to everybody else, and still unknown to himself
** A translation of chorus lines in a classical tragedy by [[Seneca the Younger]], ''Thyestes'', lines 401-403, appearing in ''Essays, Civil and Moral'' by Francis Bacon, part XI, Of Great Place. The original lines in latin are ''Illi mors gravis incubate/Qui notus nimis omnibus/Ignotus moritur sibi''. Inaccurately attributed to Francis Bacon in ''Amazing Grace'', a 2006 historical drama.
{{Misattributed end}}

== See also ==
{{Philosophy of science}}

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{Wikisource author}}
{{commonscat}}
*[http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/francis-bacon/ ''Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy'']
*{{gutenberg author|id=Francis_Bacon|name=Francis Bacon}}
*[http://etext.library.adelaide.edu.au/b/bacon/francis/ Online editions of Bacon's works]
* [http://oregonstate.edu/instruct/phl302/texts/bacon/bacon_essays.html Bacon's Essays, 1601 edition, modernized spelling]
* [http://www.constitution.org/bacon/nov_org.htm ''Novum Organum'' Online]
* [http://www.earlymoderntexts.com/f_bacon.html ''The New Organon'' (PDF versions)]
*[http://www.sirbacon.org/ Sir Francis Bacon's New Advancement of Learning]
*[http://www.hirohurl.net/engren.html Essays on the English Renaissance]
*[http://etext.lib.virginia.edu/cgi-local/DHI/dhi.cgi?id=dv1-25 ''Dictionary of the History of Ideas'': Baconianism] 
*[http://www.infopt.demon.co.uk/baconfra.htm &quot;Queen James and His Courtiers : Sir Francis Bacon&quot;] by [[w:Rictor Norton|Rictor Norton]]
*[http://www.twickenham-museum.org.uk/detail.asp?ContentID=184 The Twickenham Museum - Sir Francis Bacon]
*[http://www.fbrt.org.uk/frameset.html Francis Bacon Research Trust - Bacon esoterica]
*[http://home.att.net/~tleary/ Cryptographic Shakespeare (Bacon = Shakespeare theories)]

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== Help needed ==

Originally when GRP create the ED page I forgot about it, now he's doing it again, could someone help get it deleted? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:51, 1 July 2022 (UTC)

:The harder you try, the more likely it is to remain, and the more people will want to look at it. It's like that old fable of trying to catch your breath by running after it.
:My advice: let it go. Let it go. Let - it - go. [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] ([[User talk:Antandrus|talk]]) 17:40, 2 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|Antandrus}} {{done}} will do that, thanks for the advice. Also, I got a message from them as well, [https://encyclopediadramatica.online/User:MarioMario456/talk3 here]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:34, 2 July 2022 (UTC)

== Results of Wiki Loves Folklore 2022 is out! ==

&lt;div lang=&quot;en&quot; dir=&quot;ltr&quot; class=&quot;mw-content-ltr&quot;&gt;
{{int:please-translate}}
[[File:Wiki Loves Folklore Logo.svg|right|150px|frameless]]

Hi, Greetings

The winners for '''[[c:Commons:Wiki Loves Folklore 2022|Wiki Loves Folklore 2022]]''' is announced!

We are happy to share with you winning images for this year's edition. This year saw over 8,584 images represented on commons in over 92 countries. Kindly see images '''[[:c:Commons:Wiki Loves Folklore 2022/Winners|here]]'''

Our profound gratitude to all the people who participated and organized local contests and photo walks for this project.

We hope to have you contribute to the campaign next year.

'''Thank you,'''

'''Wiki Loves Folklore International Team'''

--[[User:MediaWiki message delivery|MediaWiki message delivery]] ([[User talk:MediaWiki message delivery|talk]]) 16:12, 4 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;/div&gt;
&lt;!-- Message sent by User:Tiven2240@metawiki using the list at https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Distribution_list/Non-Technical_Village_Pumps_distribution_list&amp;oldid=23454230 --&gt;

== QOTD ==

&lt;span style=&quot;position: absolute; {{#ifeq:{{{hide}}}|false||{{#ifeq:{{{hide}}}|no||visibility: hidden;}}}}&quot;&gt;@[[User:Aphaia]] @[[User:BD2412]] @[[User:DannyS712]] @[[User:Ferien]] @[[User:GreenMeansGo]] @[[User:Illegitimate Barrister]] @[[User:Jusjih]] @[[User:Kalki]] @[[User:Koavf]] @[[User:Mdd]] @[[User:Miszatomic]] @[[User:Ningauble]] @[[User:Pmlineditor]] @[[User:UDScott]] @[[User:Ilovemydoodle]]&lt;/span&gt; The Main Page is missing a QOTD! – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:30, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

:Nice find. I made a redirect for the time being. Thanks. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:32, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|koavf}} Wow! That was fast. Also, surprised that managed to slip through. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:47, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|koavf}} Also, did you get pinged? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:48, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
:::did and got an email in my inbox. Thanks! —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:49, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|koavf}} Why did you get an email? (I didn't send one) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:02, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::[[Special:Preferences#mw-prefsection-watchlist]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:26, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::{{ping|Koavf}} Huh? I don't see an email option there. Also, could you please deal with the massive backlog over at [[WQ:VIP]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:36, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::My bad: [[Special:Preferences#mw-prefsection-echo]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:40, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
:Could you not ping all the admins in your message? This left me rather confused as there was no visible ping and I wasn't involved. If something needs urgent admin attention, please go to [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard]]. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 15:18, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
:: +1. Please do not ping multitudes of people at once, and please do not ''hide'' invisible pings so nobody can see what is going on. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 20:15, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

== Abuse Filter feedback ==

What are you thoughts on [[User talk:Koavf#Abuse Filter|my proposed additions to the Abuse Filter]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:44, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{ping|Koavf|Ferien|Antandrus|UDScott}} Thoughts? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:21, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::I've edited the abuse filter before, but I'm not a whiz at it. Note that blocking edits outright based on some of these filters would certainly disrupt standard editing. I feel like this is probably not the best way to stop vandalism and would want to get more consensus from the community. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:28, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{ping|koavf}} Which in particular concern you? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:40, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::I could easily see someone writing &quot;globally blocked&quot; and tripping an abuse filter tag or your username for that matter. Of course, some settings in the abuse filter will completely block an edit from happening and others will just log that it occurred, but either way is not desirable: stopping legitimate edits is bad and a log that is full of false positives is bad. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:42, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|koavf}} In my request it says that &quot;globally blocked&quot; would only trip it if it was in that specific capitalization (all letters capitalized). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:50, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::::But also &quot;globally blocked lta&quot; (any capitalization) and &quot;et al&quot;? Those are totally valid words that could be used. Also, as I recall, the edit filter takes a toll for computing on the backend, so it's best to not have many edit filter entries. I could be wrong about that, tho. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:03, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::{{ping|koavf}} Well it says that it is only applies non-auto confirmed, so not that big of a deal. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:24, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::I could easily imagine a not auto-confirmed user writing &quot;et al&quot;. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:26, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::{{ping|koavf}} {{done|Fixed}}&amp;nbsp; Any others remaining that you are still concerned about? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:29, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::thx/thanx would probably be it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:41, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::{{ping|koavf}} {{done|Fixed}}&amp;nbsp; Any more? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:52, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::I don't think so. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 08:02, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::{{ping|koavf}} So, do you support now? And can you add it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 08:05, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::This still needs consensus and I believe that the edit filter has a kind of high toll, so I'm still on the fence. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 08:07, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::{{ping|koavf}} High toll in terms of what? Also, (roughly) how many for votes for a consensus for something like this? 1? 2? 3? 5? 10? 100? The entire population of the United States?{{humor inline}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 08:09, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::Sorry that I was unclear: I've had a hard time sleeping. What I mean is that, in my recollection, the filter needs to do a lot of computing work, since it needs to review the contents of every edit in real time, so adding a lot of filter rules is advised against. I could be wrong, again, I'm not an edit filter whiz, but I have edited it a little on a couple of projects. Plus, as I called out before, there's a kind of human toll where you may end up with false positives or blocking edits that are valid and that takes manual oversight, so it's hard to know exactly what ruels will result in the most efficient use of time. As for how many are needed for consensus, I don't have a hard number in mind, but I would like to leave this open for a few weeks and I hope get a few others giving feedback, since I'm not terribly confident about my skills with the filter. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:23, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, I'm failing to see the point in even adding that to the abuse filter now you have made it public. The reason the abuse filter is private is to make sure LTAs have a hard time trying to edit. Not simply noticing &quot;oh I can't say these words so let me change my behaviour/what I say&quot;. This LTA is always trying to get past the abuse filter and sometimes succeeds. There is a reason this abuse filter is rarely discussed on-wiki. Discussing abuse filters should not be on talk pages, let alone anywhere near the village pump. -[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 15:54, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Propose statements for the 2022 Election Compass ==

:''&lt;div class=&quot;plainlinks&quot;&gt;[[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation elections/2022/Announcement/Propose statements for the 2022 Election Compass|{{int:interlanguage-link-mul}}]] • [https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Translate&amp;group=page-{{urlencode:Wikimedia Foundation elections/2022/Announcement/Propose statements for the 2022 Election Compass}}&amp;language=&amp;action=page&amp;filter= {{int:please-translate}}]&lt;/div&gt;''

Hi all,

Community members in the [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation elections/2022|2022 Board of Trustees election]] are invited to [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia_Foundation_elections/2022/Community_Voting/Election_Compass|propose statements to use in the Election Compass.]]

An Election Compass is a tool to help voters select the candidates that best align with their beliefs and views. The community members will propose statements for the candidates to answer using a Lickert scale (agree/neutral/disagree). The candidates’ answers to the statements will be loaded into the Election Compass tool. Voters will use the tool by entering in their answer to the statements (agree/disagree/neutral). The results will show the candidates that best align with the voter’s beliefs and views.

Here is the timeline for the Election Compass:

July 8 - 20: Community members propose statements for the Election Compass

July 21 - 22: Elections Committee reviews statements for clarity and removes off-topic statements

July 23 - August 1: Volunteers vote on the statements

August 2 - 4: Elections Committee selects the top 15 statements

August 5 - 12: candidates align themselves with the statements

August 15: The Election Compass opens for voters to use to help guide their voting decision

The Elections Committee will select the top 15 statements at the beginning of August. The Elections Committee will oversee the process, supported by the Movement Strategy and Governance team. MSG will check that the questions are clear, there are no duplicates, no typos, and so on.

Best,

Movement Strategy and Governance

''This message was sent on behalf of the Board Selection Task Force and the Elections Committee''

[[User:Zuz (WMF)|Zuz (WMF)]] ([[User talk:Zuz (WMF)|talk]]) 13:30, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

== Add template editor right ==

Some of the most used templates here are protected so only admins can edit, which is important for stopping vandalism, but, a lot of potential for fixes and improvements within these pages is also lost because of it. So, do you think that a separate template editor right should be added? (I'm not specifically talking about me, and by &quot;improvements&quot; I don't mean radical changes) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:30, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

:I'm generally in favor of breaking off some of the admin user rights for individuals who have skills and motivation to do certain technical work (templates, interface admin) without doing things like blocking, protecting pages, deleting, etc. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:21, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

:This seems like a good idea to me. [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] ([[User talk:Antandrus|talk]]) 02:54, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:'''Support''' – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:44, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:'''Support with caveat''' - Does this differ from 'interface editor' on other projects? [[User:ShakespeareFan00|ShakespeareFan00]] ([[User talk:ShakespeareFan00|talk]]) 14:44, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|ShakespeareFan00}} What is 'interface editor'? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:47, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::: [[m:Interface_editors]][[User:ShakespeareFan00|ShakespeareFan00]] ([[User talk:ShakespeareFan00|talk]]) 15:26, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|ShakespeareFan00}} Yes, very different, 'template editor' only includes the right to edit protected templates. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:28, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
*I don't really consider myself much apart of the enwikiq community, but while I'm here just dropping a tech note. &quot;template editor&quot; currently would do nothing, for it to be useful the community would need to decide they want another protection level (normally more stringent than &quot;semiprotected&quot; and less stringent than &quot;protected&quot;); then administrators would need to actual configure this protection level on pages.  The community would need to determine how this new template editing access should be managed (normally it is &quot;by administrators&quot; technically, with varying local policy rules that you would determine), then add this group to editors that you want to be able to edit the pages that are protected at that level.  Most &quot;smaller&quot; (in terms of active editing communities) don't bother with this, the none/semi-protected/fully-protected scheme is sufficient. [[User:Xaosflux|Xaosflux]] ([[User talk:Xaosflux|talk]]) 21:32, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:'''Oppose'''. Per [[Special:ProtectedPages]] There are currently 84 fully protected templates and no fully protected modules on this wiki. I do not think it is a good use of time to set up a user group, assign it to people and pages, create policies about use/abuse/granting/revocation, update everything else that comes along with big changes in user rights (templates, scripts, policy, help pages, interface messages, etc) when this new protection level will probably be used on 30-40 pages and will be probably only be granted to 1 or 2 people, it just seems like a lot of extra bureaucracy for not much benefit. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 00:27, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
::Noting here that only 12 projects have template editor rights enabled, and one of those is the testing wiki. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 00:50, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
: '''Oppose''' Fundamentally tainted proposal given the proposer's propensity to propose new user groups seemingly for the sake of doing so rather than to fill any actual need. [[User:Pppery|Pppery]] ([[User talk:Pppery|talk]]) 03:10, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|Pppery}} I have had many occasions where this right would be useful for me. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:13, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|Pppery}} Please see [[w:WP:HYE|WP:HYE]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:21, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|koavf}} Is this really a valid reason to vote against something? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:17, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Any reason could be valid, but I don't think this is a very compelling reason for a no and were I closing this conversation, I don't know that I would count this as being very on-topic. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:46, 19 July 2022 (UTC)

== Add revision importer right ==

{{discussion-closed-top|Withdrawn and starting new vote}}
{{center|{{Ombox|image=&amp;nbsp;|text=&lt;h3&gt;Voting results as of July 17, 2022&lt;/h2&gt;{{Election results|alliance1=Support|aspan1=4|atotal4=3|apct1=50%|party1=Support|votes1=2|party2=Strong Support|votes2=0|party3=Weak Support|votes3=1|alliance5=Oppose|aspan5=4|atotal8=5|party5=Oppose|votes5=4|party6=Strong Oppose|votes6=0|party7=Weak Oppose|votes7=1|alliance9=Other|aspan9=4|atotal12=2|vatotal12=0|party9=Neutral|votes9=2|vatotal9=0|party10=Withdrawn/re-submitted/invalid|votes10=0|party11=Comment/question|votes11=0|color1=#20ff20|color2=#008e00|color3=#72ff72|color5=#ff0000|color6=#a80000|color7=#ff6868|color9=yellow|color10=black|color11=#efefef|valid=8|invalid=2}}}}}}

{{ping|koavf}} This is still in very early stages, but here is a proposal for a new user group containing the following rights:
* &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt;
* &lt;code&gt;importupload&lt;/code&gt;
* &lt;code&gt;override-export-depth&lt;/code&gt;
* &lt;code&gt;mergehistory&lt;/code&gt;
* &lt;code&gt;tboverride&lt;/code&gt;
* &lt;code&gt;noratelimit&lt;/code&gt;
* &lt;code&gt;autoconfirmed&lt;/code&gt;
* &lt;code&gt;delete-redirect&lt;/code&gt;
* &lt;code&gt;suppressredirect&lt;/code&gt;
* &lt;code&gt;oathauth-enable&lt;/code&gt;
* The ability to self-revoke the right from yourself.
What do you think so far? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:27, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

=== Potential concerns ===

=== Comments ===

:It's not obvious to me why all of these are lumped together and it seems like straight up importer would work, if the community thought it was necessary or a bureaucrat/steward saw fit to give someone the right. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:22, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|koavf}} Well, I am posting this in hopes of getting it approved on phab. Also for the explanations:
::* &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt; Self-explanatory.
::* &lt;code&gt;importupload&lt;/code&gt; Self-explanatory.
::* &lt;code&gt;override-export-depth&lt;/code&gt; Useful for advanced importing.
::* &lt;code&gt;mergehistory&lt;/code&gt; For merging older revisions into page that were not originally imported.
::* &lt;code&gt;noratelimit&lt;/code&gt; In case the rate limit triggers from sending too much data.
::* &lt;code&gt;autoconfirmed&lt;/code&gt; Basic right.
::* &lt;code&gt;delete-redirect&lt;/code&gt; If a page imported page needs to be moved without redirect.
::* &lt;code&gt;oathauth-enable&lt;/code&gt; Security reasons as with other user groups.
::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:34, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I'm fine with it. If you file a ticket at [[phab:]], they will want to see more consensus than this before changing the site preferences. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:33, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Thank you! I  needed to post this here to get consensus and to get feedback on possible improvements. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:34, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::{{ping|koavf}} Also, do you think this right should be granted by stewards or bureaucrats? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:35, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::I don't see why this should have to escalate all the way up to stewards. I think the only rights that should be like that are CheckUser and Oversight, but I know that I'm in the minority on that. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:43, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::{{ping|koavf}} Wait, what rights other than those two require stewards? Also, I do agree with you. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:51, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::E.g. bureaucrats cannot remove any rights other than those that admins can and the bot flag. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 11:17, 13 July 2022 (UTC)
:'''Support''' – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:12, 13 July 2022 (UTC)
:&lt;s&gt;'''Neutral''' - I don't know that this is really needed, but I'm not as familiar with the way things work here on Wikiquote. Maybe there's a need that isn't covered by the importers user group? Maybe that group should be modified to include these additional rights? I don't know, so I'm neutral on this proposal. [[User:Nihonjoe|Nihonjoe]] ([[User talk:Nihonjoe|talk]]) 22:15, 13 July 2022 (UTC)&lt;/s&gt; Changed to oppose.
::'''Oppose''', for several reasons.
::#I think you're going out of your way to harass anyone who is voting against (or in my case, neutral about) your proposal. Your attempts to strike Ferien's vote (or any of the votes of others whose reasons you deem &quot;invalid&quot;) are especially disturbing. How about you let people have opinions that differ from yours, and leave it at that? 
::#The gigantic warning (added and continually made more obnoxious with each edit [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Village_pump&amp;diff=next&amp;oldid=3143520 here], [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Village_pump&amp;diff=next&amp;oldid=3143522 here], [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Village_pump&amp;diff=next&amp;oldid=3143526 here], [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Village_pump&amp;diff=next&amp;oldid=3143527 here], and [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Village_pump&amp;diff=next&amp;oldid=3143528 here] is completely unnecessary and only serves to make you look unhinged.
::#As others have pointed out, you don't seem to fully grasp how the various user rights work, and your proposal contains a lot of unnecessary rights bundled together apparently because you want all of the bundled rights and not because they serve any useful general purpose bundled together as proposed.
::#Going off the last point, you have repeatedly failed to express valid reasons how this would be useful to anyone other than yourself.
::For all these reasons (and probably a few others I forgot while typing this), I don't see any valid need for this new user group. [[User:Nihonjoe|Nihonjoe]] ([[User talk:Nihonjoe|talk]]) 08:34, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
:'''Seems okay'''; not really sure why it is needed, but I don't seen any compelling reason for not, so I guess that's a tentative support. Open to persuasion if I am missing something. [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] ([[User talk:Antandrus|talk]]) 02:53, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|Antandrus}} Here is some more information/context:
::&lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt; I regularly need to import a lot of templates (including revisions), so this would be nice.
::&lt;code&gt;importupload&lt;/code&gt; Useful for doing the above automatically, mass-importing pages from another wiki, or importing multiple levels deep.
::&lt;code&gt;override-export-depth&lt;/code&gt; Useful for advanced importing.
::&lt;code&gt;mergehistory&lt;/code&gt; For merging older revisions into page that were not originally imported.
::&lt;code&gt;tboverride&lt;/code&gt; If a page/template you are importing contains/is on the blacklist.
::&lt;code&gt;noratelimit&lt;/code&gt; In case you trigger the rate limit for creating too many pages.
::&lt;code&gt;autoconfirmed&lt;/code&gt; Basic right. Also, similar to above.
::&lt;code&gt;delete-redirect&lt;/code&gt; Deleting a page after it has been merged.
::&lt;code&gt;suppressredirect&lt;/code&gt; Same as above.
::&lt;code&gt;oathauth-enable&lt;/code&gt; Security reasons as with other user groups.
::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:06, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:'''Oppose''' Import is quite a dangerous tool. On Simple English Wikipedia we do have the importer right but it is rarely used or given out, mainly because you have to be really trusted to use it. Seeing as import could cause so much damage and that damage isn't really reversible without admin tools, you have to have a very large amount of trust in someone to give them import, and at that point if you can trust them so much to use import properly, why not give admin so they can clear up any mess they might make as well. While this is the general attitude on simplewiki, it applies to any WMF site. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 15:56, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|Ferien}} Yes, it is a powerful tool, but why are you against this? If it is dangerous, we'll just be extra careful when giving out, like any other user right. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:01, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:::It's a powerful tool and it's very difficult to reverse mistakes if you are not an admin. If you're not careful, you can import dozens of templates at once that may not be the ones you wanted to import, and you have to fix these pages or call an admin to delete these pages manually. I am also not voting against you as you seem to be implying below, import is already included in admin and so you are suggesting it should be given to non-admins, which I oppose for the reasons above. [[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 20:44, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|Ferien}} It already '''is''' given to non-admins on many other wikis. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:50, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::{{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, but not on Wikiquote. Just because many other wikis have done it wrong doesn't mean we should do it wrong too. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 20:10, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::{{ping|Ferien}}
::::::{{Blockquote|Just because many other wikis have done it wrong}}
::::::I am not sure if this is humorous or not, but, if it isn't: 
::::::: This is a ridiculous comment, just because you don't agree doesn't make it &quot;wrong&quot;. Considering this has been done on dozens of wikis, it is probably a good choice for at-least some wikis. By making this comment, it makes your original vote look like it was made in bad faith.
::::::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:23, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::{{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, they have done it wrong ''in my opinion''. Your opinion may be different but as I said, I think the same applies for most wikis and unless you are including delete in importer or importer is only added if you have a role like one on some wikis called eliminator which has delete tools and block tools, but not protection, abuse filter etc, I do not think importer on its own is appropriate. That does not make my !vote done in bad faith. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 20:26, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::{{ping|Ferien}} If you don't think this should be done on ''any'' wiki, make a request on meta, rather than voting here. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:30, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::{{ping|Ferien}} Since your vote is about generally being against the &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt; right for non-admins and not specifically about my request, may I please strike it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:33, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::{{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, not sure why you want to strike my vote, because that is exactly what your request is about. While it doesn't specify non-admins specifically or mention non-admins, that is exactly what you are asking for. Admins already have the import right. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 20:35, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::{{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, I never said that importer being given on other wikis should be reversed. That wouldn't be done on meta anyway, it'd be done for individual communities as they decided to add it there. If other wikis feel that's what works for them, then that's fine. I am not really part of many other wikis' community. Only simplewiki, enwikiquote and to some extent metawiki and enwiki. However, what you were suggesting was that we should give non-admins importer on this wiki because it's done on other wikis, and as I disagree with the importer right being separate as a whole, I do not agree with that argument. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 20:33, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::{{ping|Ferien}}
::::::::::{{Blockquote|However, what you were suggesting was that we should give non-admins importer on this wiki because it's done on other wikis, and as I disagree with the importer right being separate as a whole, I do not agree with that argument.}}
::::::::::I am suggesting it should be done &quot;because it is done on other wikis&quot;, I was just pointing that out. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:38, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::{{ping|Ferien}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 08:03, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::{{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, I have already read the message. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 08:52, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::{{ping|Ferien}} Could explain exactly ''why'' you oppose '''''the creation''''' of this right? You have already explained that it is dangerous right, in your opinion, and should be restricted, but why do you not want it created? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:04, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|Koavf}} What are your thoughts on this reply? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:17, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Whether we should have importers and who should be importers are two different things. Admins have all these rights and more, so I don't see the problem. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:17, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|ferien|koavf}} {{u|Koavf}}, just what I was thinking! This isn't an RfRI, this is a feature request. While I would like to have it, whether I get should be held in a vote for that, not if should exist at all. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:33, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::{{ping|Koavf}} Can the vote be striken-off as invalid? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:33, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::So I assume you're talking about my vote? Is there any reason why it should be struck as invalid? --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 20:40, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::No. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 10:46, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{ping|Kalki}} Could you vote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:42, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:: I do not see any compelling need for creating such a user group, and do see that it could develop complications and problems that would have to be sorted out in often tedious ways. ~ &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 20:44, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I also '''oppose''' this - for many of the reasons already articulated above. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:29, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|Kalki|UDScott}} Could you be more specific, so I could try to improve/re-submit this? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 16:08, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|UDScott}} Could you give me some recommendations on how to improve my proposal? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:08, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::It's not a matter of making tweaks to your proposal that will suddenly convince me - I just don't think this is something we want. I would rather see more users become admins if qualified, rather than adding more roles. I also worry about imports being done improperly and causing other issues. Bottom line is that I just don't see the value in doing this, regardless of how the proposal to do so is worded. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 17:57, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::{{ping|UDScott}}
::::::{{Blockquote|I also worry about imports being done improperly and causing other issues.}}
::::::Well, I would assume if someone is given, they would know how to import properly. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:02, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::That's quite the logical fallacy you've got going there. Just because someone has garnered enough support to be granted a role in no way means that a process will be performed correctly. Everyone who has been in the admin role has at one time or another made an error - because of a misunderstanding, a lack of technical ability, or simply a mistake. The nomination and approval process that results in one gaining a role does not remove risk of issues. I just don't see the need for this role, especially given the risk involved (and the fact that if errors are made, it is a bit tedious to correct them). I do not support this proposal - I've explained this multiple times, even though I don't believe that I need to justify my lack of support. And a tip, especially as we are in active discussion: there's really no need to continually ping me every time you respond. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 18:12, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::{{ping|UDScott}} As {{u|Koavf}} said, &quot;Whether we should have importers and who should be importers are two different things. Admins have all these rights and more, so I don't see the problem.&quot; Wouldn't that also apply to this vote?
::::::::{{Blockquote|And a tip, especially as we are in active discussion: there's really no need to continually ping me every time you respond.}}
::::::::That's usually how a one-to-one discussion works.
::::::::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:20, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::I am applying it to this vote - to me the risk is too high for ''any''one to have it when I don't see the need for it. And no, pinging someone and just addressing them in the text of the conversation are two different things. Imagine if we were standing at a door having a discussion. You could easily say my name and make your point - or you could ring the doorbell every time before you speak. One is standard behavior and the other is a bit annoying - see the difference? IMHO, pinging should only be used when you have received no response and wish to gain someone's attention. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 18:26, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::What exactly ''are'' the risks to importing? I understand how it could be used maliciously (e.g. spamming, faking edits, etc.), but I don't see how it could be destructive when used in good faith. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:32, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::I believe Ferien outlined the issues very well above. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 18:34, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::{{ping|UDScott}} Well, there already are the &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt; and &lt;code&gt;importupload&lt;/code&gt; user rights. I never said what the requirements would be or how strictly it would be given out, only the user rights it would contain and how it would work. Are you against the very idea of non-developers importing? And if so, wouldn't you the rights removed entirely? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:41, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{ping|koavf}} Do you have any suggestions as to how I could improve this proposal? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 16:26, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
::I do not. It seems like community consensus is tilting against it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:58, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|koavf}} Currently the results are: 3 Support, 1 Neutral, 3 Oppose. So, even. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:07, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
: '''oppose''' does not seem needed or useful, extremely sensitive rights --[[User:DannyS712|DannyS712]] ([[User talk:DannyS712|talk]]) 21:51, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|DannyS712}} Please explain further. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:30, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
: '''neutral''' I was aksed to leave feedback, but I rarely edit Wikiquote, how often would this need to be used? [[User:ShakespeareFan00|ShakespeareFan00]] ([[User talk:ShakespeareFan00|talk]]) 14:54, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|ShakespeareFan00}} Very often. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:56, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:According to [[Special:log/import]] since the software started logging imports in late 2007 the right has been used a grand total of 171 times, with 97 of those uses being the same person on the same day in 2019. The claim that this would be used &quot;very often&quot; appears to have no basis in the available facts. A breakdown of yearly usage stats for this right:
{{collapse|
:*2022 - 1 import
:*2021 - 16 imports
:*2020 - 2 imports
:*2019 - 98 imports
:*2018 - no imports
:*2017 - no imports
:*2016 - 1 import
:*2015 - no imports
:*2014 - no imports
:*2013 - no imports
:*2012 - no imports
:*2011 - 16 imports
:*2010 - no imports
:*2009 - no imports
:*2008 - 37 imports}}
:There are also some parts of this proposal that seem bizarre and poorly thought out to me - e.g. why are you including autoconfirmed in this group? Anyone with this right should already be autoconfirmed - this isn't something that should be given to newbies. History merging is quite possibly the most dangerous user right on the site, and should not be given to anyone except admins who have the technical ability to fix any messes it creates. In what situations is the &quot;delete-redirect&quot; right going to be useful - pages don't need to have the exact same name on all wikis, and if there's an existing template redirect in the way importing a new template over the top of it could cause a disaster. &quot;Supress redirect&quot; seems to be unrelated to the act of actually importing pages and seems to have been chucked in so you can history merge stuff? Wikiquote also already has the unused [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:ListUsers&amp;group=import importer] and [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:ListUsers&amp;group=transwiki transwiki importers] user groups, which seem to do exactly what you're already asking for.
:I don't know if wikiquote allows IP votes in policy decisions, but I would '''Oppose''' this proposal on the basis that the import functionality is so rarely used that the current workload can easily be handled by existing admins, this particular proposal seems to be poorly thought out and bundles a load of rights together that are, at best, tangentially related to importing pages, and that user groups to allow users to import pages already exist. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 20:09, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::# Autoconfirmed is a basic right.
::# How is history merging the most dangerous???
::# Delete-redirect is '''required''' for this to be done properly '''most''' of the time.
::::* Because it is needed if new revisions are added to the page that the revisions are being imported from.
::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:18, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::Also, '''please''' read the banner at the top. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:19, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|192.76.8.85}} Does this count as a vote or comment. (I am assuming a vote for the timebeing) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:25, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I don't know why you're directing me to read your idiotically large, obnoxious banner (made extra large and obnoxious in response to my comment!) and to ask you for technical explanations when your responses here are utter nonsense and demonstrate that you don't actually understand what you're proposing.
:::*''Autoconfirmed is a basic right.'' - yes, which is why it is utterly pointless to bundle it into an advanced user right supposed to be given to trusted members of the community.  Everyone who is granted the import right will already be autoconfirmed. There is no point giving them the right again, it makes as much sense as giving the &lt;code&gt;edit&lt;/code&gt; right to admins.
:::*''How is history merging the most dangerous???'' - because it can easily make an enormous mess and it has no &quot;undo&quot; functionality. If you accidentally merge together two pages with long co-existent history the only way to unmerge them is to delete the page then manually undelete individual revisions one at a time to separate the page histories out again. Fixing a history merge mistake can take literally hours. It is also completely unnecessary for importers to have this right because it is already built into the import function.
:::*''Delete-redirect is required for this to be done properly most of the time. Because it is needed if new revisions are added to the page that the revisions are being imported from.'' - this makes no sense at all, I actually cannot understand what you are trying to say here. The import function can directly add old revisions to an existing page, you just set the import location to the title of the extant page - you don't have to import pages to some other title then merge them together afterwards.
:::You can consider this to be a vote. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 20:50, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::::* History merge '''is''' necessary for the follow reason:
::::** Let’s say that Person 1 ''manually'' imports Page 1 to Page 2, then Person 2 (who is an importer) wants to properly import the revisions, but in between these two events Person 3 has modified Page 1, this would cause the import to fail. So what the importer would do is:
::::**# Import the original page to Page 3.
::::**# Merge all revisions in Page 3 (before Person 1 copied Page 1 to Page 2) into Page 2.
::::**# Redirect Page 2 to Page 3.
::::**# Merge all revisions before the redirect in Page 2 into Page 3.
::::**# Use &lt;code&gt;delete-redirect&lt;/code&gt; to delete Page 2.
::::**# Use &lt;code&gt;supressredirect&lt;/code&gt; to move Page 3 to Page 2.
::::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:59, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::This doesn't make any kind of sense. You import the page with it's whole history, split the history via the history merge function (?), then combine the history back together, then delete the mess of pages you created? What you would end up with if you followed those instructions is page 3 with the entire edition history of persons 1 2 and 3 included?
:::::Again, this work flow is complete and utter nonsense. If you want to perform an import and merge revisions into existing page then you just have to tell the import tool to include history information, and the merge will be done for you. If you just want to import the revisions from before the history fork then make an XML dump of the revisions you want and import that. There is no need at all for this histmerge and redirect mess.
:::::Fundamentally though fixing history forking issues is not a job for page importers - it is a job for administrators who have access to the proper page deletion, undeletion and history toolbox. It makes no sense to give users some administrative tools to allow them to, via a unnecessarily convoluted methods, fix an issue that has never actually occurred to date. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 21:33, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::I have this issue very often, that's why I proposed it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:36, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::{{ping|Koavf}} Is history merge very dangerous? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:43, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::What &quot;issue&quot; are you actually having, because &quot;import revisions from another wiki and merge them into an existing page&quot; is functionality that the import tool already has - you don't need all the extra user rights to do it. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 21:44, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::I meant merging within a wiki. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:47, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::&quot;merging within a wiki&quot; is not a part of any sensible workflow for importing pages. User rights should be set up as groups of related rights that multiple people should find useful, that have similar access requirements, and generally the ability to do an action should be bundled with the ability to undo it. Creating a user group isn't an opportunity to put together a &quot;grab bag&quot; of rights that you personally think you would like. An &quot;importer&quot; right should just contain the stuff needed to import pages, i.e. &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt; and &lt;code&gt;importupload&lt;/code&gt;. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 21:57, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::That why is called &quot;'''revision''' importer&quot; and not just &quot;importer&quot;. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:58, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::And what is the supposed difference between this &quot;revision importer&quot; and the regular &quot;importer&quot; right? You can already import revisions and add them to the history of pages using the &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt; and &lt;code&gt;importupload&lt;/code&gt; rights. To me this looks like a combination of you not actually knowing what the import right does, a bunch of utterly bizarre suggestions (like the bundled autoconfirmed right) and you trying to make your own personal user group with just the stuff you want in it. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 22:03, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::Maybe &quot;revision editor&quot; or &quot;revision manager&quot; would be a more accurate title? Also, this isn't just for me. If it was, it would also include many other rights (e.g. rollback, templateeditor). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:06, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::We already have a user group that allows certain people to edit page histories, they're called &quot;administrators&quot;. I do not think a user group which allows editors to screw up page histories but does not include the tools to fix them is a good idea. ''this isn't just for me.'' seems to be in direct contradiction to your statement below that the big issue with the existing importer groups is that ''Neither of which fully covers my needs.'' which is it - a general &quot;importer&quot; group for everyone, or a user group specifically tailored to what you want to do. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 00:41, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::A revision editor would be for '''revisions''', not general administrative rights. Revisions editing includes imports. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:42, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::What is the difference between &quot;general administrative rights&quot; and &quot;revision&quot; rights. They are, as far as I can tell, the same thing. Pages on wikis are nothing but a string of revisions, how is messing around with revisions a distinct operation from messing around with pages? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 00:50, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
::I didn’t say it ''was'' used very often, I said it ''would'' be used very often, '''if implemented'''. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:15, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
*I got pinged here from enwiki: enwikiquote already has local admins which have transwiki access, and if there is a good reason this community needs xmlimports the &quot;importer&quot; group could also be added via the existing group process. xmlimport can be &quot;dangerous&quot; so I'd suggest that you not add it to anyone that wouldn't otherwise qualify as an interface admin here. [[User:Xaosflux|Xaosflux]] ([[User talk:Xaosflux|talk]]) 21:25, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
*:{{ping|Xaosflux}} This would only be given to users who are '''at least''' as trustworthy as interface admins. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:29, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
*::{{ping|Xaosflux}} Also, could you ask me more questions, so you could come to a final decision? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:31, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
*:::I don't really consider myself part of the enwikiquote community - the primary governance of permissions for this project belongs to them. [[User:Xaosflux|Xaosflux]] ([[User talk:Xaosflux|talk]]) 21:36, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
*::::{{ping|Xaosflux}} Please, very few regulars here actually vote in these. Outside feedback would be very helpful. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:38, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
*:wikiquote already has [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:ListUsers&amp;group=import importer] and [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:ListUsers&amp;group=transwiki transwiki importer] groups, but they're not currently used. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 21:35, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
*::Neither of which fully covers my needs. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:37, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
{{discussion-closed-bottom}}

== Reverse-protection cross-(wiki?) RfC (phab) ==

What is your opinion on [[phab:T312835|this]] feature request? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:45, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== QOTD emergency ==

{{:WQT:PAA|hide=false}} QOTD is missing! {{done}} by Kalki. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:22, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
: I just posted it a couple minutes ago — it is certainly NOT any extraordinary emergency. ~ &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 00:25, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|Kalki}} Was already marking as fixed while you were leaving your comment. In-fact a got an edit conflict message. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:27, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{redlink|Redlinks}} on the front page are a pretty big deal. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:07, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|koavf}} Absolutely agreed. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:38, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, please stop pinging all administrators. If there is genuinely an emergency like this that needs an admin, please make your way to [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard]]. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 15:23, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Notice about the revision importer proposal ==

Originally it was planned to be a discussion only for feedback and improvement, and not a vote since it was nowhere near done. But it accidentally turned into a vote, and as such, failed, as I could provide sufficient information about purpose or how it would work. I will be closing it shortly. I will start a new only for feedback and not voting, after I think it is sufficiently done, I will start a new vote. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:54, 18 July 2022 (UTC)

== Feedback on proposal for new user right ==

{{Notice box|text='''This is not a vote,''' this is simply a discussion related to improving and fixing potential issues with this proposal, users who oppose this may provide feedback on how to make it less unappealing to them, but if you are entirely against it and have no constructive feedback to offer, '''do not comment here.'''&lt;br&gt;&lt;big&gt;You may also ask questions here, '''regardless of what you think of the proposal.'''&lt;/big&gt;}}

This is a proposal for a 'revision importer' right, this would be primarily used for cross-wiki importing, though it will also be used for other purposes.

This is needed because a lot of pages and templates that exist on other wikis do not exist here. Also, this can also be used for importing lost pages from dead wikis. (e.g. simple English Wikiquote)

This right would be appointed by bureaucrats.

Here are the user rights it is planned to contain so far:

{{:User:Ilovemydoodle/proposal/usergroups/revision importer}}

Here are the reasons for each right:
* &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt; — Self-explanatory.
* &lt;code&gt;importupload&lt;/code&gt; — Self-explanatory. Also helpful for mass-importing pages and in cases where revisions need to manually be modified.
* &lt;code&gt;mergehistory&lt;/code&gt; — This is needed if a template that has been imported, has been updated on another wiki.
* &lt;code&gt;tboverride&lt;/code&gt; — If an imported page is on the title blacklist.
* &lt;code&gt;autoconfirmed&lt;/code&gt; — Potential rate limit issues. (this might not be neccessary)
* &lt;code&gt;delete-redirect&lt;/code&gt; — Similar to &lt;code&gt;mergehistory&lt;/code&gt;
* &lt;code&gt;suppressredirect&lt;/code&gt; — Same as &lt;code&gt;delete-redirect&lt;/code&gt;
* &lt;code&gt;oathauth-enable&lt;/code&gt; — Security reasons as with other rights.

=== Examples ===

Here are some examples where this right would preform better than regular importers or administrators.

==== 1 ====

Let’s say that Person 1 ''manually'' imports Page 1 to Page 2, then Person 2 (who is a revision importer) wants to properly import the revisions, but in between these two events, Person 3 has modified Page 1, this would mean that if it was imported traditionally it would either fail, or would appear to succeed, but all revisions in-between wouldn't be valid for this wiki. (e.g. if a template has to have all mentions of 'Wikipedia' changed to 'Wikiquote', this is pretty obvious, but you could imagine more subtle issues). Then, if someone didn't like certain changes that were made, and rolled-back to an earlier revision, the new versiom wouldn't be valid for this wiki. With this type of importing, the revision import could manually edit the revisions before importing, so all revision would be valid. This could be done via the following process: 

# Import the original page (from the other wiki) to Page 3.
# Merge all revisions in Page 3 (before Person 1 copied Page 1 to Page 2) into Page 2.
# Redirect Page 2 to Page 3.
# Merge all revisions before the redirect in Page 2 into Page 3.
# Use &lt;code&gt;delete-redirect&lt;/code&gt; to delete Page 2.
# Use &lt;code&gt;supressredirect&lt;/code&gt; to move Page 3 to Page 2.

=== Comments ===

– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:07, 18 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{ping|AC9016|Nihonjoe|Antandrus|Koavf|Stang|ShakespeareFan00|Rubbish computer|Dave Braunschweig|Atcovi|Ottawahitech}} Thoughts? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:29, 18 July 2022 (UTC)

Why are you wasting everyone's time by repeating the exact same discussion as above which will lead to the exact same conclusion? This is an terrible idea for a user group - it is completely redundant to the existing &quot;import&quot; group, contains a load of disjointed and disconnected rights that have no business being bundled together and per the discussion above the proposer is unable to justify why this group should exist or what purpose it is supposed to serve. Going through the list of rights:
* &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt; — Already in the import group
* &lt;code&gt;importupload&lt;/code&gt; — Already in the import group
* &lt;code&gt;override-export-depth&lt;/code&gt; — Not enabled anywhere for any user group, even stewards. Has the ability to crash medium to large wikis, so the devs are unlikely to approve enabling. The proposer doesn't appear to understand what this does, it has nothing to do with templates, it's intended for content pages, when you export a page with this setting enabled it also exports all linked pages, and all pages linked to those pages and so on until you hit the depth limit.
* &lt;code&gt;mergehistory&lt;/code&gt; — Unneeded, Import can already merge page histories, extremely dangerous and can easily make a huge mess, should remain restricted to administrators.
* &lt;code&gt;tboverride&lt;/code&gt; — Unneeded. Not a frequently occurring issue, if a title is deemed unsuitable by the blacklist it can just be imported to a different title, pages don't need to have the same name everywhere.
* &lt;code&gt;noratelimit&lt;/code&gt; — Unneeded, no-one should be importing pages so quickly they hit the rate limit.
* &lt;code&gt;autoconfirmed&lt;/code&gt; — Unneeded - everyone even being considered for import user rights should be autoconfirmed.
* &lt;code&gt;delete-redirect&lt;/code&gt; — Unneeded, not related to importing pages, only included because the proposer apparently doesn't understand how importing pages works.
* &lt;code&gt;suppressredirect&lt;/code&gt; — Unneeded, not related to importing pages, only included because the proposer apparently doesn't understand how importing pages works.
* &lt;code&gt;oathauth-enable&lt;/code&gt; — Already in the import group
The &quot;proposed&quot; user rights are not possible to implement (the database doesn't track which revisions have been imported) would not get past wmf legal (you cannot view any kind of deleted content without passing an RFA or equivalent process) and duplicate existing admin functionality.

My opinion is that the proposer here does not understand what they are proposing, how user rights work, how importing work and has no idea what this user group is supposed to be used for. I am unimpressed that rather than answering the question &quot;what is this supposed to be used for and how is it different from importer/administrator rights&quot; they have decided to shut down the discussion above and start another one on exactly the same thing. I am even more unimpressed that they have left another &quot;notice&quot; telling people that unless they are coming here to tell them how amazing their idea is they are unwelcome to comment. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 01:54, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
: '''This is not a vote,''' please read the header. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:55, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
::Can you please point out where I voted? '''Please read my comment'''. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 01:56, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
:::&lt;code&gt;override-export-depth&lt;/code&gt; — This might a problem, I will look into this. Thanks for the feedback.
:::&lt;code&gt;mergehistory&lt;/code&gt; — Already explained.
:::&lt;code&gt;tboverride&lt;/code&gt; Not frequent, but if you are importing a lot of pages, this could be an issue.
:::&lt;code&gt;autoconfirmed&lt;/code&gt; Specific cases (e.g. second account, changing accounts, bots, etc.), also there is no harm to adding this right.
:::&lt;code&gt;delete-redirect&lt;/code&gt; — Already explained.
:::&lt;code&gt;supressredirect&lt;/code&gt; — Already explained.
:::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:03, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
::::You haven't &quot;explained &lt;code&gt;mergehistory&lt;/code&gt; &lt;code&gt;delete-redirect&lt;/code&gt; &lt;code&gt;supressredirect&lt;/code&gt;. You've posted a completely ridiculous workflow which would involve using them to do something the import right can already do.
::::Why would &lt;code&gt;tboverride&lt;/code&gt; be useful? What kinds of pages are you intending to import where the title would be so terrible it would hit an entry on the blacklist.
::::&lt;code&gt;noratelimit&lt;/code&gt; you clearly do not understand what this does, I'll give you a clue, it has nothing to do with the &quot;amount of data&quot; that you're sending to the server. Another clue, import actions aren't even rate limited.
::::&lt;code&gt;autoconfirmed&lt;/code&gt; why on earth would you include a user right that the person already has? It's a complete waste of time. If for some reason you need to import pages using a brand new alt account why couldn't you do the normal thing, and assign the user the &quot;confirmed&quot; user rights?
::::You still haven't answered the fundamental question - what is this right supposed to do that the &quot;import&quot; right can't already do, and why do you need all these extra user rights to re-implement functionality that already exists. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 02:16, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::How do you ''modify'' a revision with regular import? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:22, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::You can use the &quot;import from a file&quot; option and edit the XML before you upload it. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 09:05, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::...which would require the removal and replacement of the existing revisions. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:09, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Why would you be replacing revisions with things that didn't actually exist? The whole point of the page history is to serve as the legally required record of who contributed what content to a page - there is no situation whatsoever where it would be appropriate to replace actual revisions with stuff you made up. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 09:12, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Please see example 1. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:13, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::example 1 is a completely ridiculous workflow that only demonstrates that you don't actually understand how anything works. Even so, at what stage of example 1 do you need to make up revisions that don't actually exist? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 09:19, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::Anywhere between 2 and 4. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:21, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
:This user right would '''not''' allow a user to view deleted content. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:12, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
::The &lt;code&gt;view-deleted-imported-revision&lt;/code&gt; would fall afoul of [[meta:Limits to configuration changes]], specifically ''Allow non-admins to view deleted stuff''. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 02:17, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
:::It would only allow the viewing of content deleted using this right, which would be stored separately to admin-deleted content. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:19, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Again, you don't appear to understand how anything actually works. Mediawiki doesn't store deleted revisions separately, they're in the main revision table but flagged as deleted. Non-admins are banned from viewing deleted content, it doesn't matter how it was deleted or what user right was involved. This is a hard limit by the WMF legal department and cannot be overturned via feature requests or consensus. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 09:08, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::There is a way of storing it separately. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:09, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Not in the current version of Mediawiki there isn't. Even suppressed material is stored in the main revision table with the &lt;code&gt;DELETED_RESTRICTED&lt;/code&gt; flag set. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 09:17, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::It would be stored in the main archive table, it would be differentiated using the unused field &lt;code&gt;ar_flags&lt;/code&gt; – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:20, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{ping|koavf}} Do you think more should be addressed in this proposal? If so, what? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:50, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
::No. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:37, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|Koavf}} Sorry, I just realized this now, I meant to say &quot;more questions addressed&quot;. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:53, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Not really. I just think this is your proposal. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:24, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::{{ping|koavf}} Do you support it so far? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:25, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::{{ping|koavf}} Also, what do you think the requirements to get this right should be? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:29, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Just asking for them and the community voting, just like with other rights. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:46, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::I don't object, but I don't have strong feelings on it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:47, 19 July 2022 (UTC)

I'm not a frequent contributor to Wikiquote, but I was asked to comment. I don't see a problem with the overall proposal if it meets a community need. However, I would not include &lt;code&gt;noratelimit&lt;/code&gt;. There's almost no legitimate reason for a human being to trigger that limit. Save that right for bots. -- [[User:Dave Braunschweig|Dave Braunschweig]] ([[User talk:Dave Braunschweig|talk]]) 16:58, 18 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:06, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
*First of all, you should not have started another discussion. It was going fine and people were still giving their opinions on it. In fact there was a point I wanted to respond to you on but couldn't because you closed the discussion. Secondly, seeing as 50% of people opposed, and only 30% supported, I'm just curious why you are still trying to push this idea and encouraging others to not oppose it despite quite a clear result voting-wise but also consensus-wise that the community doesn't want this. And I'm especially concerned about how you have closed another discussion and opened another one where apparently if you are entirely against the proposal, you are not allowed to comment. This makes it harder to find the community consensus that seemed to quite clearly be &quot;we don't want this.&quot; --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 19:42, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
*:The main issue provided was that there wasn’t any reason to do this (because I did not include one in the original vote), so I am trying to redo this in a better way. Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:44, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
*::You could have always edited the reason in the original discussion, and that would have had the benefit of not freezing the discussion for everyone else who participated... --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 19:50, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
*:::Well, I am redoing the ''whole'' proposal, so most of those votes won't matter anymore. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:53, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
*::::It seems like the proposal is very similar to the one you just suggested. Just because ''you'' don't think those &quot;votes&quot; don't matter anymore doesn't mean you should move to a completely different discussion on the exact same topic, with some bizarre restrictions on what I should comment and what I should not. I see no reason for you to have opened another discussion and am considering merging it so the community are more aware about what your plans are. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 21:46, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
*:::::The original vote was poorly conceived, this is my second attempt, please don't associate this with the original. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:50, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
*::::::Sorry but I see no reason to not associate this with the original proposal. Yes, there are a couple of changes based on feedback, however your proposal is essentially the same, but instead, you have decided to discourage people opposed to it from commenting. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 09:13, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
*Ok seeing as my opinion is clear at this point - that giving importer to non-admins is generally a bad idea - let's focus on the problems with this proposal. Autoconfirmed is unnecessary. It shouldn't affect rate limit, for autoconfirmed users. Merge history is not needed, although I'm unsure if this is included within importer - you can just import the page again, or update it manually for situations where it's updated on one wiki but not another - which is rare. tboverride - not sure when an imported page would ever be on the title blacklist? Overall, seems as though even more unnecessary admin-level tools are going into a right where not as much trust is necessary. If a person needs this many rights, why not get admin?? --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 21:40, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

== Sorry ==

For leaving feedback requests on far too many user pages, I have stopped, and will only ask users that are actually interested, and can help. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:19, 18 July 2022 (UTC)

== Movement Strategy and Governance News - Issue 7 ==

&lt;div style = &quot;line-height: 1.2&quot;&gt;
&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:200%;&quot;&gt;'''Movement Strategy and Governance News'''&lt;/span&gt;&lt;br&gt;
&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:120%; color:#404040;&quot;&gt;'''Issue 7, July-September 2022'''&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:120%; float:right;&quot;&gt;[[m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Strategy and Governance/Newsletter/7|'''Read the full newsletter''']]&lt;/span&gt; 
----
Welcome to the 7th issue of Movement Strategy and Governance News! The newsletter distributes relevant news and events about the implementation of Wikimedia's [[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Strategy/Initiatives|Movement Strategy recommendations]], other relevant topics regarding Movement governance, as well as different projects and activities supported by the Movement Strategy and Governance (MSG) team of the Wikimedia Foundation.  

The MSG Newsletter is delivered quarterly, while the more frequent [[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Strategy/Updates|Movement Strategy Weekly]] will be delivered weekly. Please remember to subscribe [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Global message delivery/Targets/MSG Newsletter Subscription|here]] if you would like to receive future issues of this newsletter.
&lt;/div&gt;&lt;div style=&quot;margin-top:3px; padding:10px 10px 10px 20px; background:#fffff; border:2px solid #808080; border-radius:4px; font-size:100%;&quot;&gt; 

* '''Movement sustainability''': Wikimedia Foundation's annual sustainability report has been published. ([[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Strategy and Governance/Newsletter/7#A1&lt;/tvar&gt;|continue reading]])
* '''Improving user experience''': recent improvements on the desktop interface for Wikimedia projects. ([[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Strategy and Governance/Newsletter/7#A2|continue reading]])
* '''Safety and inclusion''': updates on the revision process of the Universal Code of Conduct Enforcement Guidelines. ([[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Strategy and Governance/Newsletter/7#A3|continue reading]])
* '''Equity in decisionmaking''': reports from Hubs pilots conversations, recent progress from the Movement Charter Drafting Committee, and a new white paper for futures of participation in the Wikimedia movement. ([[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Strategy and Governance/Newsletter/7#A4|continue reading]])
* '''Stakeholders coordination''': launch of a helpdesk for Affiliates and volunteer communities working on content partnership. ([[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Strategy and Governance/Newsletter/7#A5|continue reading]])
* '''Leadership development''': updates on leadership projects by Wikimedia movement organizers in Brazil and Cape Verde. ([[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Strategy and Governance/Newsletter/7#A6|continue reading]])
* '''Internal knowledge management''': launch of a new portal for technical documentation and community resources. ([[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Strategy and Governance/Newsletter/7#A7|continue reading]])
* '''Innovate in free knowledge''': high-quality audiovisual resources for scientific experiments and a new toolkit to record oral transcripts. ([[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Strategy and Governance/Newsletter/7#A8|continue reading]])
* '''Evaluate, iterate, and adapt''': results from the Equity Landscape project pilot ([[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Strategy and Governance/Newsletter/7#A9|continue reading]])
*
'''Other news and updates''': a new forum to discuss Movement Strategy implementation, upcoming Wikimedia Foundation Board of Trustees election, a new podcast to discuss Movement Strategy, and change of personnel for the Foundation's Movement Strategy and Governance team. ([[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Strategy and Governance/Newsletter/7#A10|continue reading]])

&lt;/div&gt;&lt;section end=&quot;msg-newsletter&quot;/&gt;

[[User:Zuz (WMF)|Zuz (WMF)]] ([[User talk:Zuz (WMF)|talk]]) 22:59, 18 July 2022 (UTC)

== Announcing the six candidates for the Board of Trustees election ==

:''&lt;div class=&quot;plainlinks&quot;&gt;[[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation elections/2022/Announcement/Announcing the six candidates for the 2022 Board of Trustees election/Short|{{int:interlanguage-link-mul}}]] • [https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Translate&amp;group=page-{{urlencode:Wikimedia Foundation elections/2022/Announcement/Announcing the six candidates for the 2022 Board of Trustees election/Short}}&amp;language=&amp;action=page&amp;filter= {{int:please-translate}}]&lt;/div&gt;''

Hi everyone,

The Affiliate Representatives have completed their voting period. The selected 2022 Board of Trustees candidates are:

* Tobechukwu Precious Friday ([[:m:User:Tochiprecious|Tochiprecious]])
* Farah Jack Mustaklem ([[:m:User:Fjmustak|Fjmustak]])
* Shani Evenstein Sigalov ([[:m:User:Esh77|Esh77]])
* Kunal Mehta ([[:m:User:Legoktm|Legoktm]])
* Michał Buczyński ([[:m:User:Aegis Maelstrom|Aegis Maelstrom]])
* Mike Peel ([[:m:User:Mike Peel|Mike Peel]])

You may see more information about the [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation elections/2022/Results|Results]] and [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation elections/2022/Stats|Statistics]] of this Board election.

The Affiliate organizations selected representatives to vote on behalf of the Affiliate organization. The Affiliate Representatives proposed questions for the candidates to answer in mid-June. These answers from candidates and the information provided from the Analysis Committee provided support for the representatives as they made their decision.

Please take a moment to appreciate the Affiliate Representatives and Analysis Committee members for taking part in this process and helping to grow the Board of Trustees in capacity and diversity. These hours of volunteer work connect us across understanding and perspective. Thank you for your participation.

Thank you to the community members who put themselves forward as candidates for the Board of Trustees. Considering joining the Board of Trustees is no small decision. The time and dedication candidates have shown to this point speaks to their commitment to this movement. Congratulations to those candidates who have been selected. A great amount of appreciation and gratitude for those candidates not selected. Please continue to share your leadership with Wikimedia.

What can voters do now?

[[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation elections/2022/Results|Review the results of the Affiliate selection process]].

[[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation elections/2022/Announcement/Announcing the six candidates for the 2022 Board of Trustees election|Read more here about the next steps in the 2022 Board of Trustee election]].

Best,

Movement Strategy and Governance

''This message was sent on behalf of the Board Selection Task Force and the Elections Committee''&lt;/translate&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;section end=&quot;announcement-content&quot; /&gt;

[[User:Zuz (WMF)|Zuz (WMF)]] ([[User talk:Zuz (WMF)|talk]]) 19:35, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

== Let's talk about the Desktop Improvements ==

[[File:Vector 2022 showing language menu with a blue menu trigger and blue menu items 01.jpg|thumb]]
Join an online meeting with the team working on the [[mw:Reading/Web/Desktop Improvements|Desktop Improvements]]! It will take place on '''26 July 2022 at [https://www.timeanddate.com/worldclock/fixedtime.html?iso=20220726T1200 12:00 UTC] and [https://www.timeanddate.com/worldclock/fixedtime.html?iso=20220726T1900 19:00 UTC]''' on Zoom. '''[https://wikimedia.zoom.us/j/5304280674 Click here to join]'''. Meeting ID: 5304280674. [https://wikimedia.zoom.us/u/kc2hamfYz9 Dial by your location].

[[mw:Special:MyLanguage/Reading/Web/Desktop Improvements/Updates/Talk to Web|Read more]]. See you! [[User:SGrabarczuk (WMF)|SGrabarczuk (WMF)]] ([[User talk:SGrabarczuk (WMF)|talk]]) 16:19, 25 July 2022 (UTC)
&lt;!-- Message sent by User:SGrabarczuk (WMF)@metawiki using the list at https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=User:SGrabarczuk_(WMF)/sandbox/MM/En_fallback&amp;oldid=23430301 --&gt;

== Vote for Election Compass Statements ==

:''[[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation elections/2022/Announcement/Vote for Election Compass Statements|You can find this message translated into additional languages on Meta-wiki.]]''
:''&lt;div class=&quot;plainlinks&quot;&gt;[[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation elections/2022/Announcement/Vote for Election Compass Statements|{{int:interlanguage-link-mul}}]] • [https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Translate&amp;group=page-{{urlencode:Wikimedia Foundation elections/2022/Announcement/Vote for Election Compass Statements}}&amp;language=&amp;action=page&amp;filter= {{int:please-translate}}]&lt;/div&gt;''

Hi all,

Volunteers in the [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation elections/2022|2022 Board of Trustees election]] are invited to [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia_Foundation_elections/2022/Community_Voting/Election_Compass/Statements|vote for statements to use in the Election Compass]]. You can vote for the statements you would like to see included in the Election Compass on Meta-wiki.

An Election Compass is a tool to help voters select the candidates that best align with their beliefs and views. The community members will propose statements for the candidates to answer using a Lickert scale (agree/neutral/disagree). The candidates’ answers to the statements will be loaded into the Election Compass tool. Voters will use the tool by entering in their answer to the statements (agree/disagree/neutral). The results will show the candidates that best align with the voter’s beliefs and views.

Here is the timeline for the Election Compass:

*&lt;s&gt;July 8 - 20: Volunteers propose statements for the Election Compass&lt;/s&gt;
*&lt;s&gt;July 21 - 22: Elections Committee reviews statements for clarity and removes off-topic statements&lt;/s&gt;
*July 23 - August 1: Volunteers vote on the statements
*August 2 - 4: Elections Committee selects the top 15 statements
*August 5 - 12: candidates align themselves with the statements
*August 15: The Election Compass opens for voters to use to help guide their voting decision

The Elections Committee will select the top 15 statements at the beginning of August


Best, 

Movement Strategy and Governance

''This message was sent on behalf of the Board Selection Task Force and the Elections Committee''

[[User:Zuz (WMF)|Zuz (WMF)]] ([[User talk:Zuz (WMF)|talk]]) 17:20, 26 July 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>exkf2tixp9kqfal5avxjpcmfpoics0d</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Guide to layout</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>460</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147749</id>
      <parentid>2893788</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T20:50:55Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>r/m tv.com guidance</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="11890" xml:space="preserve">The '''Wikiquote Guide to Layout''' is an annotated, working example of some of the basics of laying out an entry.

This article is not about wiki markup; see [[Wikiquote:How to edit a page]] for that, nor is this article about style; see [[Wikiquote:Manual of Style]] for that.
This article is just a summary of what some fairly clean, simple Wikiquote entries look like.
For more complicated entries, you may want to copy the markup of an existing entry you like the looks of.

'''For an explanation by example, see [[Wikiquote:Templates]].'''
 
== General ==
All Wikiquote pages should start with a brief introduction in which significant terms are linked to Wikipedia.
Most Wikiquote pages should end with an ''External links'' section containing a &quot;Wikipedia box&quot;, which is created using the &lt;tt&gt;{{[[Template:wikipedia|wikipedia]]}}&lt;/tt&gt; or &lt;tt&gt;{{[[Template:wikipedia|wikipedia]]|''Article name''}}&lt;/tt&gt; templates.
If such a box does appear, it should be the first thing in the section. Last in that section should be a [[:Category:Categories|category]]. To place a page in a category, use &lt;tt&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;[[Category:&lt;/nowiki&gt;''Category name'']]&lt;/tt&gt;. ''All'' Wikiquote articles should have a category.

== People pages ==
Many Wikiquote entries are quotes said or written by a person.

=== Introductory material ===
A person article should begin with a short biographical note (1-4 sentences is usual). This note should have the person's name in bold, and should link the name to the Wikipedia article, if there is one. If known, it should have date of birth and date of death. It is popular to link words in the introduction to other Wikiquote or Wikipedia pages.

=== Sections (people) ===
All the sections described here are level-2 sections (&lt;tt&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;==&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/tt&gt;). The following sections might not all appear, but when they do, they appear in the order specified, and containing the content specified:
* ''Quotes'': Quotations with a definite, [[Wikiquote:Quotability#Verification_factor|verifiable source]] (speech, book, interview or similar).
** If there are several quotations from the same source, it is possible to make a level-3 subsection and group the quotes from that source into this subsection. It is possible, though not generally recommended, to go even deeper: one might open a level-3 subsection for &quot;Fiction books&quot;, and put specific books under that header.
** When sourcing, be as accurate as possible: specify the source, the place within the source (if reasonable) and if the source is online, link to it. ISBNs, chapter numbers, editions and page numbers all ease the work of future accuracy checking.
* ''Attributed'': Quotations sourced to a ''reputable'' secondary source but not to the author or work. More information [[Wikiquote:Sourced_and_Unsourced_sections#Attributed|here]].
* ''Misattributed'': Quotations which are popularly, or notably, attributed to the person but sourced to another person or work.  More information [[Wikiquote:Sourced_and_Unsourced_sections#Misttributed|here]].
* ''Criticisms'' or ''About'': Quotations about the person.
* ''See also'': Other wikiquote pages which relate to the person. Note that in some cases, this section can come first (especially when a literary work has been broken out from the page, and the person is well known for that work).
* ''External links'': Links about the person, with a special emphasis on places where more of their words can be found. Add &lt;tt&gt;{{[[Template:wikisource author|wikisource author]]}}&lt;/tt&gt; if the author has a page at [[wikisource:Wikisource:Authors|Wikisource]]. Relevant blogs, links to archives of columns and the like are also appropriate.
====Unsourced====
Quotes popularly, or notably, attributed to a person, but for which the editor cannot find an adequate source appear on the article's discussion page. More information [[Wikiquote:Sourced_and_Unsourced_sections#Unsourced|here]].

In the past, some articles had two major sections: [[Wikiquote:Sourced and Unsourced sections|&quot;Sourced&quot; and &quot;Unsourced&quot;]] (sometimes called &quot;Attributed&quot; in older pages). Transfer unsourced quotes on these pages to the article's discussion page. Pages consisting solely of unsourced quotes will be nominated for deletion or given a PROD tag.

=== Formatting of quotes (people) ===
Quotes should be formatted as a bulleted list, each quote on its own bullet, with no quotation marks. Citations and any notes, such as translation or context, should follow in a sub-bullet. If a quote is not in English, it should be ''italicized''. In that case, especially for non-Latin scripts, a transliteration is often useful. 

== Literature ==
The introduction to quotes from a literary work should contain the year it was made in, and the author (or authors). In case the author has no Wikiquote page, consider quoting from that work in a new page about the author and making a redirect from the work's name to the author's page. If appropriate, a link to [[w:Project Gutenberg|Gutenberg]] or the &lt;tt&gt;{{[[Template:wikisource|wikisource]]}}&lt;/tt&gt; template should be put in the ''External links'' section.

=== Formatting of quotes (literature) ===
Quotes are formatted like a [[#Sections (people)|sourced person's quotes]]. In the ''Sourced'' section, give chapter (section, part) numbers and names.

== Films ==
{{shortcut|WQ:FILMS}}
For pages for quotes from a film, the introduction should link to the entry in Wikipedia, and specify the year the movie was made in, the director, the writer and sometimes the stars. Next should follow the tagline, centered and bolded, followed by a small [[Help:Editing#Links|internal link]] to the &quot;Tagline&quot; section, if there is one.

=== Sections (films) ===
All sections here are level-2 sections (&lt;tt&gt;==&lt;/tt&gt;). Not all must appear, but when they appear, they must do so in the order specified.
* ''Character'': Each major character should have a section, under which those things said by the character alone should be grouped.
* ''Others'': Minor characters can be grouped into one section.
* ''Dialogues'': Those quotes which are in the form of a dialogue belong here.
* ''Taglines'': If there is more than one tagline for the movie, then all taglines belong in this section.
* ''Cast'': A bulleted list with for the major cast. Usually, the character's name is not a link. The actor's name might be a link to wikiquote (if such a page exists) or a link to wikipedia.
* ''External links'': This should almost always contain the &lt;tt&gt;{{[[Template:imdb title|imdb title]]|number_in_URL|film_title}}&lt;/tt&gt; template.

=== Formatting of quotes (films) ===
Quotes in ''Character'' sections should be formatted like [[#Formatting of quotes (people)|people quotes]]. Quotes in the ''Others'' section are bulleted. There are two styles for the ''Others'' quotes: either [[#Theme pages|theme style]], or like this:
:&lt;tt&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;* '''Character''': Text&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/tt&gt;
The latter seems more popular. Quotes in ''Dialogues'' should be formatted like [[#Formatting of quotes (TV)|TV quotes]]. ''Taglines'' should be formatted exactly as they appear, with capitalisation intact and no added quotation marks.

== Television ==
: ''See also [[Wikiquote:Guide to layout/Television formatting]].''
The introduction for a television show should contain the year it started (and, if appropriate, the year it ended). 

=== Sections (TV) ===
Level-2 headers should be used for seasons: &lt;tt&gt;==Season ''n''==&lt;/tt&gt;. For non-American TV shows, often the term &quot;series&quot; is used instead. Level-3 headers should be used for individual episodes: &lt;tt&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;===''Italicized Name''&lt;/nowiki&gt; [''n''.''m'']===&lt;/tt&gt;, where ''n'' is the season and ''m'' the episode number. A separate section at the top of the page can be used for &quot;recurring quotes&quot; or &quot;catch-phrases&quot; (this is where quotes from the theme song belong, too&amp;mdash;if there are only theme song quotes, the section can be called &quot;Theme song&quot;).

=== Formatting of quotes (TV) ===
All TV quotes are considered to be a dialog (even when containing just one character). Dialog segments within each episode are separated by so-called &quot;half-width rules&quot;: &lt;tt&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/tt&gt;. Each dialog quote is formatted as:
:&lt;tt&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;: '''Character Name''': Text&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/tt&gt;
For characters with Wikipedia pages, the first time a character appears in an episode it should be linked to the Wikipedia page. Context lines should be formatted as:
: &lt;tt&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;: ''[The characters are doing something.]''&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/tt&gt;
while stage direction should be formatted in-line:
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      <text bytes="197406" xml:space="preserve">[[File:George_Orwell_press_photo.jpg|thumb|right|[[Politics|Political]] [[language]]&amp;nbsp;— and with variations this is true of all political parties, from [[Conservatives]] to [[Anarchists]]&amp;nbsp;— is designed to make [[lies]] sound [[truthful]] and [[murder]] respectable, and to give an [[appearance]] of solidity to pure [[wind]].]]
[[File:George-orwell-BBC.jpg|thumb|Until they become [[conscious]] they will never [[rebel]], and until after they have rebelled they cannot become conscious.]]
[[File:George Orwell statue - BBC London (38562767202).jpg|thumb|A man may take to drink because he [[feels]] himself to be a [[failure]], and then fail all the more completely because he drinks. It is rather the same thing that is happening to the [[English]] [[language]]. It becomes [[ugly]] and inaccurate because our [[thoughts]] are [[foolish]], but the slovenliness of our language makes it easier for us to have foolish thoughts.]]
'''[[w:George Orwell|George Orwell]]''' ([[25 June]] [[1903]]&amp;nbsp;– [[21 January]] [[1950]]) was the pen name of British novelist, essayist, and journalist '''Eric Arthur Blair''', whose work is characterised by lucid prose, [[awareness]] of [[social justice|social injustice]], opposition to [[totalitarianism]], and strong support of [[democratic socialism]].
[[File:Horace Vernet-Barricade rue Soufflot.jpg|thumb|right|In [[England]], a century of strong [[government]] has developed what [[O. Henry]] called ''the stern and rugged [[fear]] of the [[police]]'' to a point where any public protest seems an indecency. But in [[France]] everyone can remember a certain amount of civil disturbance ... The highly socialised modern mind, which makes a kind of composite [[Deity|god]] out of the rich, the [[government]], the police and the larger newspapers, has not been developed — at least not yet.]]
:See also:
::'''''[[The Road to Wigan Pier]]''''' (1937)
::'''''[[Animal Farm]]''''' (1945)
::'''''[[Nineteen Eighty-Four]]''''' (1949)
::[[Nineteen Eighty-Four (film)|'''''Nineteen Eighty-Four''''' (1984 film based on the novel)]]

== Quotes ==
[[File:Earthbound.jpg|right|thumb| And now abideth [[faith]], [[hope]], [[money]], these three; but the greatest of these is money.]]
[[File:MoneyMoneyMoney.jpg|right|thumb| If you have no [[money]], [[men]] won't care for you, [[women]] won't [[love]] you; won't, that is, care for you or love you the last little bit that matters.]]
[[File:MFtatebritain1.jpg|right|thumb|We have now sunk to a depth at which the restatement of the obvious is the first [[duty]] of intelligent men.]]
[[File:Cal50_Browning_2REI_2.jpg|right|thumb|A liberal intelligentsia is lacking. Bully-worship, under various disguises, has become a universal [[religion]], and such truisms as that a machine-[[gun]] is still a machine-gun even when a &quot;good&quot; man is squeezing the trigger ... have turned into heresies which it is actually becoming [[dangerous]] to utter.]] 
[[File:Charles_Dickens_3.jpg|right|thumb|He is laughing, with a touch of [[anger]] in his [[laughter]], but no triumph, no malignity. It is the [[face]] of a man who is always fighting against something, but who fights in the open and is not frightened, the face of a man who is generously angry — in other words, of a nineteenth-century liberal, a free intelligence, a type hated with equal hatred by all the smelly little orthodoxies which are now contending for our [[souls]].]]
[[File:Bundesarchiv_Bild_183-H12148,_Nürnberg,_Reichsparteitag.jpg|right|thumb|The [[fallacy]] is to [[believe]] that under a dictatorial [[government]] you can be [[free]] ''inside''.]]
[[File:CroppedStalin1943.jpg|right|thumb|I consider that willingness to criticize [[Russia]] and [[Joseph Stalin|Stalin]] is ''the'' test of intellectual [[honesty]].]]
[[File:Here_are_the_the_liberators-Italian_WWII_Poster_-_Statue_of_Liberty.jpg|right|thumb|To admit that an opponent might be both [[honest]] and [[intelligent]] is felt to be intolerable. It is more immediately satisfying to shout that he is a [[fool]] or a scoundrel, or both, than to find out what he is really like.]]
[[File:Broken-chains.png|right|thumb| Looking at the [[world]] as a whole, the drift for many decades has been not towards [[anarchy]] but towards the reimposition of [[slavery]].]]
[[File:Otto_Greiner_-_Prometheus.jpg|right|thumb|The whole idea of [[revenge]] and [[punishment]] is a childish day-dream. Properly speaking, there is no such thing as revenge.]]
[[File:1938_Naka_yoshi_sangoku.jpg|right|thumb|Each generation imagines itself to be more [[intelligent]] than the one that went before it, and [[wiser]] than the one that comes after it.]]
[[File:1984-Big-Brother.jpg|right|thumb|A [[totalitarian]] state is in effect a [[theocracy]], and its ruling caste, in order to keep its position, has to be thought of as infallible.]]
[[File:Barnhill.jpg|right|thumb|So long as I remain alive and well I shall continue to [[feel]] strongly about prose style, to [[love]] the surface of the [[Earth]], and to take [[pleasure]] in solid objects and scraps of useless [[information]].]]
[[File:Harikalar_Diyari_Gulliver_05975_nevit.jpg|right|thumb|If I had to make a list of six [[books]] which were to be preserved when all others were destroyed, I would certainly put ''[[w:Gulliver's Travels|Gulliver's Travels]]'' among them.]]
 [[File:Flag_of_the_Popular_Front_(Spain).svg|right|thumb|Every line of serious work that I have written since 1936 has been written, directly or indirectly, against [[totalitarianism]] and for [[democratic]] [[Socialism]], as I [[understand]] it.]]
[[File:Flag_of_the_Soviet_Union_(1923-1955).svg|right|thumb| In my [[opinion]], nothing has contributed so much to the [[corruption]] of the original idea of socialism as the belief that Russia is a socialist country and that every act of its rulers must be excused, if not imitated.]]
[[File:39_Zis_Stalin.jpg|right|thumb|I had seen little [[evidence]] that the USSR was progressing towards anything that one could [[truly]] call [[Socialism]].]]
[[File:Flag_of_the_Animal_Farm.svg|right|thumb|If [[liberty]] means anything at all, it means the [[right]] to tell people what they do not want to hear.]]
[[File:Nuclear_artillery_test_Grable_Event_-_Part_of_Operation_Upshot-Knothole.jpg|right|thumb|Sooner or later a false [[belief]] bumps up against solid [[reality]], usually on a battlefield.]]
[[File:Bundesarchiv_Bild_183-B06275,_Berlin,_Reichstagssitzung,_Rede_Adolf_Hitler.jpg|right|thumb|Public [[opinion]], because of the tremendous urge to conformity in gregarious [[animals]], is less tolerant than any [[system]] of [[law]].]]
[[File:1933-may-10-berlin-book-burning.JPG|right|thumb| Threats to [[freedom of speech]], [[writing]] and [[action]], though often trivial in isolation, are cumulative in their effect and, unless checked, lead to a general disrespect for the rights of the citizen.]]
[[File:SHAEF_Shoulder_Patch.svg|right|thumb|It appears to me that one defeats the [[fanatic]] precisely by ''not'' being a fanatic oneself, but on the contrary by using one's [[intelligence]].]]

* '''Spending the [[night]] out of doors has nothing attractive about it in [[London]], especially for a poor, ragged, undernourished wretch.''' Moreover sleeping in the open is only allowed in one thoroughfare in London. If the policeman on his beat finds you asleep, it is his [[duty]] to wake you up. That is because it has been found that a sleeping man succumbs to the cold more easily than a man who is awake, and England could not let one of her sons die in the street. So you are at [[liberty]] to spend the night in the street, providing it is a sleepless night. But there is one road where the homeless are allowed to sleep. Strangely, it is the [[w:Thames Embankment|Thames Embankment]], not far from the Houses of Parliament. We advise all those visitors to England who would like to see the reverse side of our apparent prosperity to go and look at those who habitually sleep on the Embankment, with their filthy tattered clothes, their bodies wasted by disease, a living reprimand to the Parliament in whose [[shadow]] they lie.
** &quot;Beggars in London&quot;, in ''Le Progrès Civique'' (12 January 1929), translated into English by Janet Percival and Ian Willison

* This means no more than ''vae victis'' - '''woe to the creed that is not backed by machine-guns!'''
**Review of ''The Two Carlyles'' by Osbert Burdett, in ''The Adelphi'' (March 1931)
*To the well-fed it seems cowardly to complain of tight boots, because the well-fed live in a different world-a world where, if your boots are tight, you can change them; their minds are not warped by petty discomfort. But below a certain income the petty crowds the large out of existence; one's preoccupation is not with [[art]] or [[religion]], but with bad [[food]], hard beds, drudgery and the sack. '''[[Serenity]] is impossible to a poor man in a cold country''' and even his active thoughts will go in more or less sterile complaint.
** Review of ''Hunger and Love'' by Lionel Britton, in ''The Adelphi'' (April 1931)
*And once, in spite of the men who gripped him by each shoulder, he stepped slightly aside to avoid a puddle on the path.  It is curious, but till that moment I had never realised what it means to destroy a healthy, conscious man. When I saw the prisoner step aside to avoid the puddle, I saw the mystery, the unspeakable wrongness, of cutting a life short when it is in full tide. '''This man was not dying, he was alive just as we were alive. All the organs of his body were working – bowels digesting food, skin renewing itself, nails growing, tissues forming – all toiling away in solemn foolery. His nails would still be growing when he stood on the drop, when he was falling through the air with a tenth of a second to live. His eyes saw the yellow gravel and the grey walls, and his brain still remembered, foresaw, reasoned – reasoned even about puddles.''' He and we were a party of men walking together, seeing, hearing, feeling, understanding the same world; and in two minutes, with a sudden snap, one of us would be gone – one mind less, one world less.
**&quot;A Hanging&quot;, in ''The Adelphi'' (August 1931)

* In England, a century of strong [[government]] has developed what [[O. Henry]] called ''the stern and rugged [[fear]] of the police'' to a point where any public protest seems an indecency. But '''in France everyone can remember a certain amount of civil disturbance, and even the workmen in the bistros talk of ''la revolution'' — meaning the next revolution, not the last one.''' The highly socialised modern mind, which makes a kind of composite god out of the rich, the government, the police and the larger newspapers, has not been developed — at least not yet.
** Review of ''The Civilization of France'' by Ernst Robert Curtius; translated by Olive Wyon, in ''The Adelphi'' (May 1932)
*As to a pseudonym, a name I always use when tramping etc is P. S. Burton, but if you don't think this sounds a probable kind of name, what about Kenneth Miles, George Orwell, H. Lewis Allways. '''I rather favour George Orwell.'''
**Letter to Leonard Moore (19 November 1932)
**''The Collected Essays, Journalism &amp; Letters, George Orwell: An Age Like This, 1920–1940'', Editors: Sonia Orwell, Ian Angus.  p. 106.

* '''Man is not a Yahoo, but he is rather like a Yahoo and needs to be reminded of it from time to time.'''
** Review of ''[[w:Tropic of Cancer (novel)|Tropic of Cancer]]'',  in ''New English Weekly'' (14 November 1935)

* Think of life as it really is, think of the details of life; and then think that there is no meaning in it, no purpose, no goal except the grave. Surely only fools or self-deceivers, or those whose lives are exceptionally fortunate, can face that thought without flinching?
** ''[[w:A Clergyman's Daughter|A Clergyman's Daughter]]'', Ch. 2 (1935)

* It is a mysterious thing, the loss of faith-as mysterious as faith itself. Like faith, it is ultimately not rooted in logic; it is a change in the climate of the mind.
** ''A Clergyman's Daughter'', Ch. 5

* There is a geographical element in all belief-saying what seem profound truths in India have a  way of seeming enormous platitudes in England, and ''vice versa''. Perhaps the fundamental difference is that beneath a tropical sun individuality seems less distinct and the loss of it less important.
** Review of ''Indian Mosaic'' by Mark Channing, in ''The Listener'' (15 July 1936)

* I am struck again by the fact that as soon as a working man gets an official post in the Trade Union or goes into Labour politics, he becomes middle-class whether he will or no. ie. by fighting against the bourgeoisie he becomes a bourgeois. The fact is that you cannot help living in the manner appropriate and developing the ideology appropriate to your income.
** ''The Road to Wigan Pier Diary 6-10 February (1936)''
*For the dreadful thing about the kind of brutalities here described, is that they are quite unavoidable. '''When a subject population rises in revolt you have got to suppress it, and you can only do so by methods which make nonsense of any claim for the superiority of western civilisation. In order to rule over barbarians, you have got to become a barbarian yourself.'''
**Review of ''Zest for Life'' by Johann Wöller, in ''Time and Tide'' (17 October 1936)
*In a town like London there are always plenty of not quite certifiable lunatics walking the streets, and they tend to gravitate towards bookshops, because a bookshop is one of the few places where you can hang about for a long time without spending any money.
**“Bookshop Memories” in ''Fortnightly'' (November 1936)

* In addition to this there is the horrible — the really disquieting — prevalence of cranks wherever Socialists are gathered together. One sometimes gets the impression that the mere words '[[Socialism]]' and '[[Communism]]' draw towards them with magnetic force every fruit-juice drinker, nudist, sandal-wearer, sex-maniac, [[Quaker]], 'Nature Cure' quack, pacifist, and feminist in England.
** ''[[w:The Road to Wigan Pier|The Road to Wigan Pier]]'' (1937) - [http://gutenberg.net.au/ebooks02/0200391.txt Full text online]

* '''War against a foreign country only happens when the moneyed classes think they are going to profit from it.'''
* Every war, when it comes, or before it comes, is represented not as a war but as '''an act of self-defence against a homicidal maniac.'''
* The essential job is to get people to recognise war propaganda when they see it, especially when it is disguised as peace propaganda.
** Review of ''The Men I Killed'' by Brigadier-General F. P. Crozier, CB, CMG, DSO, in ''New Statesman and Nation'' (28 August 1937)

* One is almost driven to the cynical conclusion that men are only decent when they are powerless.
** Review of ''The Freedom of the Streets'' by Jack Common, June 1938, pp. 335-6
* If there are certain pages of Mr [[Bertrand Russell]]'s book, ''Power'', which seem rather empty, that is merely to say that '''we have now sunk to a depth at which the restatement of the obvious is the first [[duty]] of intelligent men.''' It is not merely that at present the rule of naked [[force]] obtains almost everywhere. Probably that has always been the case. '''Where this age differs from those immediately preceding it is that a liberal intelligentsia is lacking. Bully-worship, under various disguises, has become a universal [[religion]], and such truisms as that a machine-[[gun]] is still a machine-gun even when a &quot;good&quot; man is squeezing the trigger''' — and that in effect is what Mr Russell is saying — '''have turned into heresies which it is actually becoming [[dangerous]] to utter.'''
** Review of ''Power: A New Social Analysis'' by Bertrand Russell in ''The Adelphi'' (January 1939); Paraphrased variant: '''Sometimes the first duty of intelligent men is the restatement of the obvious.'''
*It is quite possible that we are descending into an age in which '''two plus two will make five''' when the Leader says so.
**Review of ''Power: A New Social Analysis'' by Bertrand Russell in ''The Adelphi'' (January 1939)

* Acceptance of the Catholic position implies a certain willingness to see the present injustices of society continue... Individual salvation implies liberty, which is always extended by Catholic writers to include the right to private property. But in the stage of industrial development which we have now reached, '''the right to private property means the right to exploit and torture millions of one's fellow creatures.''' The Socialist would argue, therefore, that one can only defend property if one is more or less indifferent to economic justice.
** Review of ''Communism and Man'' by F. J. Sheed in ''Peace News'' (27 January 1939)

* Has it ever struck you that there's a thin man inside every fat man, just as they say there's a statue inside every block of stone? 
** ''Coming Up for Air'', Part 1, Ch. 3

* The past is a curious thing. It's with you all the time. I suppose an hour never passes without your thinking of things that happened ten or twenty years ago, and yet most of the time it's got no reality, it's just a set of facts that you've learned, like a lot of stuff in a history book. Then some chance sight or sound or smell, especially smell, sets you going, and the past doesn't merely come back to you, you're actually ''in'' the past.
** ''[[w:Coming Up for Air|Coming Up for Air]]'', Part I, Ch. 4 (1939)

* Perhaps a man really dies when his brain stops, when he loses the power to take in a new idea.
** ''Coming Up for Air'', Part 3, Ch. 1

* It is not possible for any thinking person to live in such a society as our own without wanting to change it.
** &quot;Why I Joined the Independent Labour Party&quot;, ''New Leader'' (24 June 1939)

* Adults are only less superstitious than children in proportion as they have more power over their environment. In predicaments where everyone is powerless (eg war, gambling) everyone is superstitious
**''New Words'' (1940)
**''The Collected Essays, Journalism &amp; Letters, George Orwell: My Country Right or Left, 1940–1943'', Editors: Sonia Orwell, Ian Angus.  p. 9 (footnote)
*Mr Auden's brand of amoralism is only possible if you are the kind of person who is always somewhere else when the trigger is pulled. So much of left-wing thought is a kind of playing with fire by people who don't even know that fire is hot.
** ''Inside the Whale'' (1940) [http://orwell.ru/library/essays/whale/english/e_itw]

* [Hitler] has grasped the falsity of the hedonistic attitude to life. Nearly all western thought since the last war, certainly all &quot;progressive&quot; thought, has assumed tacitly that human beings desire nothing beyond ease, security, and avoidance of [[pain]]. In such a view of life there is no room, for instance, for patriotism and the military [[virtues]]. The Socialist who finds his children playing with soldiers is usually upset, but he is never able to think of a substitute for the tin soldiers; tin pacifists somehow won't do. Hitler, because in his own joyless mind he feels it with exceptional strength, knows that human beings ''don’t'' only want comfort, safety, short working-hours, hygiene, birth-control and, in general, common sense; they also, at least intermittently, want struggle and self-sacrifice, not to mention drums, flags and loyalty-parades. However they may be as economic theories, Fascism and Nazism are psychologically far sounder than any hedonistic conception of life. The same is probably true of Stalin's militarised version of Socialism. All three of the great dictators have enhanced their power by imposing intolerable burdens on their peoples. Whereas Socialism, and even capitalism in a grudging way, have said to people &quot;I offer you a [[good]] time,&quot; Hitler has said to them &quot;I offer you struggle, [[danger]] and [[death]],&quot; and as a result a whole nation flings itself at his feet.
** From a review of [[Adolf Hitler]]'s ''[[w:Mein Kampf|Mein Kampf]],'' ''New English Weekly'' (21 March 1940)

* [...]I should say that it is a good rule of thumb never to mention religion if you can possibly avoid it.
** Letter to Humphry House (11 April 1940). ''The Collected Essays, Journalism &amp; Letters, George Orwell: An Age Like This, 1920–1940'', Editors: Sonia Orwell, Ian Angus. [http://books.google.com/books?id=0j2qODEJkdoC&amp;pg=PA530#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false p. 530].

* '''[T]here is something wrong with a regime that requires a pyramid of corpses every few years.''' 
** Letter to Humphry House, (11 April 1940). ''The Collected Essays, Journalism, &amp; Letters, George Orwell: An age like this, 1920–1940'', Editors: Sonia Orwell, Ian Angus. [http://books.google.com/books?id=0j2qODEJkdoC&amp;pg=PA532#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false p. 532].

* It is all very well to be &quot;advanced&quot; and &quot;enlightened,&quot; to snigger at Colonel Blimp and proclaim your emancipation from all traditional loyalties, but a time comes when the sand of the desert is sodden red and what have I done for thee, England, my England? '''As I was brought up in this tradition myself I can recognise it under strange disguises, and also sympathise with it, for even at its stupidest and most sentimental it is a comelier thing than the shallow self-righteousness of the left-wing intelligentsia.'''
** From a review of [[Malcolm Muggeridge]]'s ''The Thirties'', in ''New English Weekly'' (25 April 1940)

*'''National Socialism ''is'' a form of Socialism, ''is'' emphatically revolutionary, ''does'' crush the property owner as surely as it crushes the worker. The two regimes, having started from opposite ends, are rapidly evolving towards the same system—a form of oligarchical collectivism'''. . . . It is Germany that is moving towards Russia, rather than the other way about. It is therefore nonsense to talk about Germany ‘going Bolshevik’ if Hitler falls. Germany is going Bolshevik ''because'' of Hitler and not in spite of him.
**Review of ''The Totalitarian Enemy'' by F. Borkenau, ''Time and Tide'' (4 May 1940). ''Orwell: My Country Right or Left - 1940 to 1943, Vol. 2, Essays, Journalism &amp; Letters'', Sonia Orwell and Ian Angus, edit., Boston, MA, Nonpareil Books (2000), p. 25.

*From the first the aim of the Nazis was to turn Germany into a war-machine, and to subordinate everything else to that purpose. But a country, and especially a poor country, which is waging or preparing for ‘total’ war must be in some sense socialistic. When the State has taken complete control of industry, when the so-called capitalist is reduced to the status of a manager, when consumption goods are so scare and strictly rationed that you cannot spend a big income even if you earn one, '''then the essential structure of Socialism already exists, plus the comfortless equality of [[w:War communism |war-Communism]].'''
**Review of ''The Totalitarian Enemy'' by F. Borkenau, ''Time and Tide'' (4 May 1940). ''Orwell: My Country Right or Left - 1940 to 1943, Vol. 2, Essays, Journalism &amp; Letters'', Sonia Orwell and Ian Angus, edit., Boston, MA, Nonpareil Books (2000), p. 25.

* '''We are in a [[strange]] period of [[history]] in which a revolutionary has to be a patriot and a patriot has to be a revolutionary.'''
** Letter to ''The Tribune'' (20 December 1940), later published in ''A Patriot After All, 1940-1941'' (1999) &lt;!-- Volume 12 of The Complete Works of George Orwell --&gt;

* '''Even as it stands, the Home Guard could only exist in a country where men feel themselves free. The totalitarian states can do great things, but there is one thing they cannot do: they cannot give the factory-worker a rifle and tell him to take it home and keep it in his bedroom. THAT RIFLE HANGING ON THE WALL OF THE WORKING-CLASS FLAT OR LABOURER'S COTTAGE, IS THE SYMBOL OF DEMOCRACY. IT IS OUR JOB TO SEE THAT IT STAYS THERE.'''
** &quot;Don't Let Colonel Blimp Ruin the Home Guard&quot; article for the Evening Standard, 8 January 1941

* Society has always to demand a little more from human beings than it will get in practice.
** &quot;[[w:The Art of Donald McGill|The Art of Donald McGill]]&quot; (1941)
*The peculiarity of the totalitarian state is that though it controls thought, it does not fix it. It sets up unquestionable dogmas, and it alters them from day to day. It needs the dogmas, because it needs absolute obedience from its subjects, but cannot avoid the changes, which are dictated by the needs of power politics. It declared itself infallible, and at the same time it attacks the very concept of objective truth.
**“Literature and Totalitarianism”, a broadcast talk in the BBC Overseas Service; printed in ''The Listener'' (19 June 1941)

* Civilisation rests ultimately on coercion. What holds society together is not the policeman but the goodwill of common men, and yet that goodwill is powerless unless the policeman is there to back it up. Any government which refused to use violence in its own defence would cease almost immediately to exist, because it would be overthrown by any body of men, or even any individual, that was less scrupulous. 
** &quot;No, Not One,&quot; ''The Adelphi'' (October 1941)

*Since [[pacifists]] have more [[freedom]] of action in countries where traces of [[democracy]] survive, pacifism can act more effectively against democracy than for it. Objectively the pacifist is pro-Nazi.
** &quot;No, Not One,&quot; ''The Adelphi'' (October 1941)
** See his later thoughts on this statement below from &quot;As I Please,&quot; ''Tribune'' (8 December 1944)

*Pacifism is only a considerable force in places where people feel themselves very safe, chiefly maritime states. [...] The notion that you can somehow defeat violence by submitting to it is simply a flight from fact. As I have said, it is only possible to people who have money and guns between themselves and reality.
** &quot;No, Not One,&quot; ''The Adelphi'' (October 1941)

* '''The [[choice]] before human beings, is not, as a [[rule]], between [[good]] and [[evil]] but between two evils.''' You can let the [[Nazis]] rule the [[world]]: that is evil; or you can overthrow them by [[war]], which is also evil. There is no other choice before you, and whichever you choose you will not come out with clean hands.
** &quot;No, Not One,&quot; ''The Adelphi'' (October 1941), p. [http://books.google.com/books?id=hdwYAQAAIAAJ&amp;q=%22The+choice+before+human+beings%22&amp;pg=PA7#v=onepage 7]-[http://books.google.com/books?id=hdwYAQAAIAAJ&amp;q=%22is+not+as+a+rule+between+good+and+evil+but+between+two+evils%22&amp;pg=PA8#v=onepage 8]
*I have now been in the BBC about 6 months. Shall remain in it if the political changes I foresee come off, otherwise probably not. '''Its atmosphere is something halfway between a girls' school and a lunatic asylum''', and all we are doing at present is useless, or slightly worse than useless.
**Diary entry (14 March 1942)
**''The Collected Essays, Journalism &amp; Letters, George Orwell: My Country Right or Left, 1940–1943'', Editors: Sonia Orwell, Ian Angus.  p. 411
*In this war we have one weapon which our enemies cannot use against us, and that is the English language. Several other languages are spoken by larger numbers of people, but there is no other that has any claim to be a world-wide lingua franca.
**Review of ''The Sword and the Sickle'' by Mulk Raj Anand, ''Horizon'' (July 1942)
*Everyone believes in the atrocities of the enemy and disbelieves in those of his own side, without ever bothering to examine the evidence.
**&quot;Looking Back on the Spanish War&quot; (Autumn 1942)
**''The Collected Essays, Journalism &amp; Letters, George Orwell: My Country Right or Left, 1940–1943'', Editors: Sonia Orwell, Ian Angus.  p. 252

* You and I both know that there can be no real solution of the Indian problem which does not also benefit Britain. '''Either we all live in a decent world, or nobody does.''' It is so obvious, is it not, that the British worker as well as the Indian peasant stands to gain by the ending of capitalist exploitation, and that Indian independence is a lost cause if the Fascist nations are allowed to dominate the world.
** From a review of ''Letters on India'' by Mulk Raj Anand, ''Tribune'' (19 March 1943)
*It was thinking of people like him [William Empson] that made me rather angry about what you said of the BBC, though God knows I have the best means of judging what a mixture of whoreshop and lunatic asylum it is for the most part.
**Letter to Alex Comfort (11? July 1943)
**''The Collected Essays, Journalism &amp; Letters, George Orwell: My Country Right or Left, 1940–1943'', Editors: Sonia Orwell, Ian Angus.  p. 305

* Both men were the spiritual children of [[Voltaire]], both had an ironical, sceptical view of life, and a native pessimism overlaid by gaiety; both knew that '''the existing social order is a swindle and its cherished beliefs mostly delusions'''.
** On [[Mark Twain]] and [[Anatole France]], in &quot;Mark Twain - The Licensed Jester&quot; in ''Tribune'' (26 November 1943); reprinted in ''The Collected Essays, Journalism and Letters of George Orwell'' (1968)

* '''Nearly all creators of Utopia have resembled the man who has toothache, and therefore thinks happiness consists in not having toothache.''' They wanted to produce a perfect society by an endless continuation of something that had only been valuable because it was temporary. The wider course would be to say that there are certain lines along which humanity must move, the grand strategy is mapped out, but detailed prophecy is not our business. '''Whoever tries to imagine perfection simply reveals his own emptiness.'''
** [https://www.orwellfoundation.com/the-orwell-foundation/orwell/essays-and-other-works/can-socialists-be-happy/ &quot;Can Socialists Be Happy?&quot;], ''Tribune'' (20 December 1943).  Published under the name ‘John Freeman’.

* From Carlyle onwards, but especially in the last generation, the British intelligentsia have tended to take their ideas from Europe and have been infected by habits of thought that derive ultimately from Machiavelli.&amp;nbsp; All the cults that have been fashionable in the last dozen years, Communism, Fascism, and pacifism, are in the last analysis forms of power worship.
** &quot;The English People&quot; (written Spring 1944, published 1947)&lt;sup&gt;[http://alexpeak.com/twr/orwell/quotes/]&lt;/sup&gt;

*Mr Noyes remarks at the beginning of his book that one cannot cast out devils with the aid of Beelzebub, but he is also extremely angry because anti-British books can still be published in England and praised in British newspapers. Does it not occur to him that if we stop doing this kind of thing the main difference between ourselves and our enemies would have disappeared?
**Review. ''The Edge of the Abyss'' by Alfred Noyes
**''Observer'', 27 February 1944 
**''The Collected Essays, Journalism &amp; Letters, George Orwell: As I Please, 1943-1945'', Editors: Sonia Orwell, Ian Angus.  pp.  100-101. 
*Shortly, Professor Hayek's thesis is that Socialism inevitably leads to despotism, and that in Germany the Nazis were able to succeed because the Socialists had already done most of their work for them, especially the intellectual work of weakening the desire for liberty. By bringing the whole of life under the control of the State, '''Socialism necessarily gives power to an inner ring of bureaucrats, who in almost every case will be men who want power for its own sake and will stick at nothing in order to retain it.''' Britain, he says, is now going the same road as Germany, with the left-wing intelligentsia in the van and the Tory Party a good second. '''The only salvation lies in returning to an unplanned economy, free competition, and emphasis on liberty rather than on security.''' In the negative part of Professor Hayek's thesis there is a great deal of truth. It cannot be said too often — at any rate, it is not being said nearly often enough — '''that collectivism is not inherently democratic, but, on the contrary, gives to a tyrannical minority such powers as the Spanish Inquisitors never dreamed of.''' 
**“Review of the Road to Serfdom by F.A. Hayek, etc,” ''The Observer'' (9 April 1944) and in ''As I please, 1943–1945: The Collected Essays, Journalism &amp; Letters, Vol. 30''.

*'''Between them these two books sum up our present predicament.'''&amp;nbsp; Capitalism leads to dole queues, the scramble for markets, and war.&amp;nbsp; Collectivism leads to concentration camps, leader worship, and war.&amp;nbsp; There is no way out of this unless a planned economy can somehow be combined with the freedom of the intellect, which can only happen if the concept of right and wrong is restored to politics.
** Review of ''The Road to Serfdom'' by [[Friedrich Hayek|F.A. Hayek]] and ''The Mirror of the Past'' by [[w:Konni Zilliacus|K. Zilliacus]], reviewed in ''The Observer'' (9 April 1944).

* Hitler, no doubt, will soon disappear, but only at the expense of strengthening (a) Stalin, (b) the Anglo-American millionaires and (c) all sorts of petty fuhrers of the type of de Gaulle. All the national movements everywhere, even those that originate in resistance to German domination, seem to take non-democratic forms, to group themselves round some superhuman fuhrer (Hitler, Stalin, Salazar, Franco, Gandhi, De Valera are all varying examples) and to adopt the theory that the end justifies the means. Everywhere the world movement seems to be in the direction of centralised economies which can be made to ‘work’ in an economic sense but which are not democratically organised and which tend to establish a caste system. With this go the horrors of emotional nationalism and a tendency to disbelieve in the existence of objective truth because all the facts have to fit in with the words and prophecies of some infallible fuhrer. Already history has in a sense ceased to exist, ie. there is no such thing as a history of our own times which could be universally accepted, and the exact sciences are endangered as soon as military necessity ceases to keep people up to the mark. Hitler can say that the Jews started the war, and if he survives that will become official history. He can't say that two and two are five, because for the purposes of, say, ballistics they have to make four. But if the sort of world that I am afraid of arrives, a world of two or three great superstates which are unable to conquer one another, two and two could become five if the fuhrer wished it.
** Letter to H. J. Willmett (18 May 1944), published in ''The Collected Essays, Journalism, &amp; Letters, George Orwell: As I Please, 1943-1945'' (2000), edited by Sonia Orwell and Ian Angus[https://books.google.com/books?id=fCRLPIbLP8IC&amp;lpg=PA149&amp;dq=%22intellectuals%20are%20more%20totalitarian%20in%20outlook%22&amp;pg=PA149#v=onepage&amp;q=%22intellectuals%20are%20more%20totalitarian%20in%20outlook%22&amp;f=false]
** Ideas which became fundamental to ''[[w:Nineteen Eighty-Four|Nineteen Eighty-Four]]''.

* Secondly there is the fact that the intellectuals are more totalitarian in outlook than the common people. On the whole the English intelligentsia have opposed Hitler, but only at the price of accepting Stalin. Most of them are perfectly ready for dictatorial methods, secret police, systematic falsification of history etc. so long as they feel that it is on ‘our’ side. 
** Letter to H. J. Willmett (18 May 1944), published in ''The Collected Essays, Journalism, &amp; Letters, George Orwell: As I Please, 1943-1945'' (2000), edited by Sonia Orwell and Ian Angus[https://books.google.com/books?id=fCRLPIbLP8IC&amp;lpg=PA149&amp;dq=%22intellectuals%20are%20more%20totalitarian%20in%20outlook%22&amp;pg=PA149#v=onepage&amp;q=%22intellectuals%20are%20more%20totalitarian%20in%20outlook%22&amp;f=false]

* Of course, fanatical Communists and Russophiles generally can be respected, even if they are mistaken.&amp;nbsp; But for people like ourselves, who suspect that something has gone very wrong with the Soviet Union, '''I consider that willingness to criticize Russia and [[Joseph Stalin|Stalin]] is ''the'' test of intellectual honesty.'''&amp;nbsp; It is the only thing that from a literary intellectual's point of view is really dangerous.
** Letter to [[w:John Middleton Murry|John Middleton Murry]] (5 August 1944), published in ''The Collected Essays, Journalism, &amp; Letters, George Orwell: As I Please, 1943-1945'' (2000), edited by Sonia Orwell and Ian Angus
*In my small way I have been fighting for years against the systematic faking of history which now goes on.
** Letter to Frank Barber (15 December 1944)
** ''The Collected Essays, Journalism &amp; Letters, George Orwell: As I Please, 1943-1945'', Editors: Sonia Orwell, Ian Angus.  p.  292.
* Particularly on the Left, political thought is a sort of masturbation fantasy in which the world of facts hardly matters.
** &quot;London Letter&quot; in ''Partisan Review'' (Winter 1945)

* '''Autobiography is only to be trusted when it reveals something disgraceful. A man who gives a good account of himself is probably lying, since any life when viewed from the inside is simply a series of defeats.'''
** &quot;Benefit Of Clergy: Some Notes On [[Salvador Dalí]],&quot; ''Dickens, Dali &amp; Others: Studies in Popular Culture'' (1944) [http://orwell.ru/library/reviews/dali/english/e_dali]

* '''So far as I can see, all political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the [[future]] only when it coincides with their own [[wishes]], and the most grossly obvious [[facts]] can be ignored when they are unwelcome.'''
** &quot;London Letter&quot; (December 1944), in ''Partisan Review'' (Winter 1945)

* It is fashionable to say that all the causes we fought for have been defeated, but this seems to me a gross exaggeration. The fact that after six years of war we can hold a General Election in a quite orderly way, and throw out a Prime Minister who has enjoyed almost dictatorial powers, shows that we ''have'' gained something by not losing the war.
** London Letter to ''Partisan Review'' (15 ? August 1945)
** ''The Collected Essays, Journalism &amp; Letters, George Orwell: As I Please, 1943-1945'', Editors: Sonia Orwell, Ian Angus.  p.  394.
* '''At any given moment there is an orthodoxy, a body of ideas which it is assumed that all right-thinking people will accept without question.''' It is not exactly forbidden to say this, that or the other, but it is 'not done' to say it, just as in mid-Victorian times it was 'not done' to mention trousers in the presence of a lady. '''Anyone who challenges the prevailing orthodoxy finds himself silenced with surprising effectiveness. A genuinely unfashionable opinion is almost never given a fair hearing, either in the popular press or in the highbrow periodicals.'''
** &quot;The Freedom of the Press&quot;, unused preface to ''Animal Farm'' (1945), published in ''Times Literary Supplement'' (15 September 1972)

* Thus, for example, tanks, battleships and bombing planes are inherently tyrannical weapons, while rifles, muskets, long-bows, and hand-grenades are inherently democratic weapons. A complex weapon makes the strong stronger, while a simple weapon — so long as there is no answer to it — gives claws to the weak.
** [http://orwell.ru/library/articles/ABomb/english/e_abomb &quot;You and the Atom Bomb&quot;], ''Tribune'' (19 October 1945)

* '''Looking at the world as a whole, the drift for many decades has been not towards anarchy but towards the reimposition of slavery.''' We may be heading not for general breakdown but for an epoch as horribly stable as the slave empires of antiquity. [[w:James Burnham|James Burnham]]'s theory has been much discussed, but few people have yet considered its ideological implications — that is, the kind of [[world-view]], the kind of beliefs, and the social structure that would probably prevail in a state which was at once ''unconquerable'' and in a permanent state of &quot;[[wiktionary:cold war|cold war]]&quot; with its neighbors. &lt;br&gt; Had the atomic bomb turned out to be something as cheap and easily manufactured as a bicycle or an alarm clock, it might well have plunged us back into barbarism, but it might, on the other hand, have meant the end of national sovereignty and of the highly-centralised police state. If, as seems to be the case, it is a rare and costly object as difficult to produce as a battleship, '''it is likelier to put an end to large-scale wars at the cost of prolonging indefinitely a &quot;peace that is no peace.&quot;'''
** [http://orwell.ru/library/articles/ABomb/english/e_abomb &quot;You and the Atom Bomb&quot;], ''Tribune'' (19 October 1945). Reprinted in ''George Orwell: The Collected Essays, Journalism &amp; Letters, Volume 4: In Front of Your Nose 1946–1950'' (2000) by Sonia Orwell, Ian Angus, p. 9. &lt;!-- http://books.google.com/books?id=zaxG_3ivhVAC&amp;pg=PA9&amp;dq=orwell+%22permanent+state+of+cold+war%22&amp;sig=XIYruzSnIoMeE2TwqGRNoNA4IuE --&gt;
** First documented use of the phrase &quot;cold war&quot;.

* Scientific education for the masses will do little good, and probably a lot of harm, if it simply boils down to more physics, more chemistry, more biology, etc to the detriment of literature and history. Its probable effect on the average human being would be to narrow the range of his thoughts and make him more than ever contemptuous of such knowledge as he did not possess.
** [http://orwell.ru/library/articles/science/english/e_scien &quot;What is Science?&quot;], ''Tribune'' (26 October 1945)

* '''The whole idea of revenge and punishment is a childish day-dream. Properly speaking, there is no such thing as revenge. Revenge is an act which you want to commit when you are powerless and because you are powerless: as soon as the sense of impotence is removed, the desire evaporates also.'''
** [http://orwell.ru/library/articles/revenge/english/e_revso &quot;Revenge is Sour&quot;], ''Tribune'' (9 November 1945)

* Actually there is little acute hatred of Germany left in this country, and even less, I should expect to find, in the army of occupation. Only the minority of sadists, who must have their &quot;atrocities&quot; from one source or another, take a keen interest in the hunting-down of war criminals and quislings.
** &quot;Revenge is Sour&quot;, ''Tribune'' (9 November 1945)

* The relative freedom which we enjoy depends of public opinion. The law is no protection. Governments make laws, but whether they are carried out, and how the police behave, depends on the general temper in the country. If large numbers of people are interested in freedom of speech, there will be freedom of speech, even if the law forbids it; if public opinion is sluggish, inconvenient minorities will be persecuted, even if laws exist to protect them.
** &quot;Freedom of the Park&quot;, ''Tribune'' (7 December 1945)

* '''Serious sport has nothing to do with fair play.''' It is bound up with hatred, jealousy, boastfulness, disregard of all rules and sadistic pleasure in witnessing violence: in other words it is war minus the shooting.
** [http://orwell.ru/library/articles/spirit/english/e_spirit &quot;The Sporting Spirit&quot;], ''Tribune'' (14 December 1945)

* '''Each generation imagines itself to be more intelligent than the one that went before it, and wiser than the one that comes after it.''' This is an illusion, and one should recognise it as such, but one ought also to stick to one's own world-view, even at the price of seeming old-fashioned: for that world-view springs out of experiences that the younger generation has not had, and to abandon it is to kill one's intellectual roots.
** Review of ''A Coat of Many Colours: Occasional Essays'' by [[w:Herbert Read|Herbert Read]], ''Poetry Quarterly'' (Winter 1945)
*...but in his origins he is a Yorkshireman—that is, a member of a small, rustic, rather uncouth tribe whose members secretly believe all the other peoples of the earth to be just a little inferior to themselves. I think his best work comes from the Yorkshire strain in him. 
**Review of ''A Coat of Many Colours: Occasional Essays'' by [[w:Herbert Read|Herbert Read]], ''Poetry Quarterly'' (Winter 1945)

* '''Decline of the English Murder'''
** [http://orwell.ru/library/articles/decline/english/e_doem Essay] title, ''Tribune'' (15 February 1946)

* Anyone who cares to examine my work will see that even when it is downright propaganda it contains much that a full-time politician would consider irrelevant. I am not able, and do not want, completely to abandon the world view that I acquired in childhood. '''So long as I remain alive and well I shall continue to feel strongly about prose style, to love the surface of the Earth, and to take pleasure in solid objects and scraps of useless information.''' It is no use trying to suppress that side of myself. The job is to reconcile my ingrained likes and dislikes with the essentially public, non-individual activities that this age forces on all of us. &lt;br&gt; '''It is not easy.''' It raises problems of construction and of language, and it raises in a new way the problem of truthfulness.
** [http://www.k-1.com/Orwell/site/work/essays/write.html &quot;Why I Write&quot;], ''Gangrel'' (Summer 1946)

* The opinion that art should have nothing to do with politics is itself a political attitude.
** &quot;Why I Write,&quot; ''Gangrel'' (Summer 1946)

* The [[w:Spanish Civil War|Spanish war]] and other events in 1936-37 turned the scale and thereafter I knew where I stood. '''Every line of serious work that I have written since 1936 has been written, directly or indirectly, against totalitarianism and for democratic Socialism, as I understand it. It seems to me nonsense, in a period like our own, to think that one can avoid writing of such subjects.'''
** &quot;Why I Write,&quot; ''Gangrel'' (Summer 1946)

* Writing a book is a horrible, exhausting struggle, like a long bout of some painful illness. One would never undertake such a thing if one were not driven on by some demon whom one can neither resist nor understand.
** &quot;Why I Write,&quot; ''Gangrel'' (Summer 1946)

* '''If I had to make a list of six books which were to be preserved when all others were destroyed, I would certainly put ''[[w:Gulliver's Travels|Gulliver's Travels]]'' among them.'''
** &quot;Politics vs. Literature: An Examination of Gulliver's Travels&quot; (1946)

* '''In my opinion, nothing has contributed so much to the corruption of the original idea of socialism as the belief that Russia is a socialist country and that every act of its rulers must be excused, if not imitated.''' And so for the last ten years, I have been convinced that the destruction of the Soviet myth was essential if we wanted a revival of the socialist movement.
** [http://home.iprimus.com.au/korob/Orwell.html Preface to the Ukrainian edition] of ''[[Animal Farm]]'', as published in ''The Collected Essays, Journalism, and Letters of George Orwell: As I please, 1943-1945'' (1968)

* '''The real division is not between conservatives and revolutionaries but between authoritarians and libertarians.'''
** Letter to [[Malcolm Muggeridge]] (4 December 1948), quoted in ''Malcolm Muggeridge: A Life'' (1980) by Ian Hunter

* If publishers and editors exert themselves to keep certain topics out of print, it is not because they are frightened of prosecution but because they are frightened of public opinion. '''In this country intellectual cowardice is the worst enemy a writer or journalist has to face, and that fact does not seem to me to have had the discussion it deserves.'''
** [http://home.iprimus.com.au/korob/Orwell.html Original (unused) preface] to ''[[Animal Farm]]'' (1945); as published in ''George Orwell: Some Materials for a Bibliography'' (1953) by Ian R. Willison

* I have never visited Russia and my knowledge of it consists only of what can be learned by reading books and newspapers. Even if I had the power, I would not wish to interfere in Soviet domestic affairs: I would not condemn [[Joseph Stalin|Stalin]] and his associates merely for their barbaric and undemocratic methods. It is quite possible that, even with the best intentions, they could not have acted otherwise under the conditions prevailing there. &lt;br&gt; But on the other hand it was of the utmost importance to me that people in western Europe should see the Soviet regime for what it really was. '''Since 1930 I had seen little [[evidence]] that the USSR was progressing towards anything that one could [[truly]] call [[Socialism]]. On the contrary, I was struck by clear signs of its transformation into a hierarchical society, in which the rulers have no more reason to give up their power than any other ruling class.''' Moreover, the workers and intelligentsia in a country like England cannot understand that the USSR of today is altogether different from what it was in 1917. It is partly that they do not want to understand (i.e. they want to believe that, somewhere, a really Socialist country does actually exist), and partly that, being accustomed to comparative freedom and moderation in public life, totalitarianism is completely incomprehensible to them.
** Original preface to ''[[Animal Farm]]''; as published in ''George Orwell: Some Materials for a Bibliography'' (1953) by Ian R. Willison

* '''I am well acquainted with all the arguments against freedom of thought and speech — the arguments which claim that it cannot exist, and the arguments which claim that it ought not to. I answer simply that they don't convince me and that our civilization over a period of four hundred years has been founded on the opposite notice.''' For quite a decade past I have believed that the existing Russian régime is a mainly evil thing, and I claim the right to say so, in spite of the fact that we are allies with the USSR in a war which I want to see won. If I had to choose a text to justify myself, I should choose the line from Milton:
:: By the known rules of ancient liberty.
: The word ancient emphasizes the fact that intellectual freedom is a deep-rooted tradition without which our characteristic western culture could only doubtfully exist. '''From that tradition many of our intellectuals are visibly turning away. They have accepted the principle that a book should be published or suppressed, praised or damned, not on its merits but according to political expediency. And others who do not actually hold this view assent to it from sheer cowardice.'''
:* Original preface to ''[[Animal Farm]]''; as published in ''George Orwell: Some Materials for a Bibliography'' (1953) by Ian R. Willison

* '''If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.'''
** Original preface to ''[[Animal Farm]]''; as published in ''George Orwell: Some Materials for a Bibliography'' (1953) by Ian R. Willison
** Sometimes paraphrased as &quot;Liberty is telling people what they do not want to hear.&quot;

* '''The point is that we are all capable of believing things which we ''know'' to be untrue, and then, when we are finally proved wrong, impudently twisting the facts so as to show that we were right. Intellectually, it is possible to carry on this process for an indefinite time: the only check on it is that sooner or later a false belief bumps up against solid reality, usually on a battlefield.'''
** [http://www.orwell.ru/library/articles/nose/english/e_nose &quot;In Front of Your Nose&quot;], ''Tribune'' (22 March 1946)

* '''To see what is in front of one's nose needs a constant struggle.'''
** &quot;In Front of Your Nose,&quot; ''Tribune'' (22 March 1946)

* Certainly we ought to be [[discontented]], we ought not simply to find out ways of [[Complacency|making the best of a bad job]], and yet if we kill all [[pleasure]] in the actual process of [[life]], what sort of [[future]] are we preparing for ourselves? '''If a man cannot [[enjoy]] the return of [[spring]], why should he be [[happy]] in a labour-saving [[Utopia]]? What will he do with the [[leisure]] that the [[machine]] will give him?'''
** [http://www.k-1.com/Orwell/site/work/essays/commontoad.html &quot;Some Thoughts on the Common Toad&quot;], ''Tribune'' (12 April 1946)

* I have always suspected that if our economic and political problems are ever really solved, life will become simpler instead of more complex, and that the sort of pleasure one gets from finding the first primrose will loom larger than the sort of pleasure one gets from eating an ice to the tune of a Wurlitzer. I think that by retaining one's childhood love of such things as trees, fishes, butterflies and — to return to my first instance — toads, one makes a peaceful and decent future a little more probable, and that by preaching the doctrine that nothing is to be admired except steel and concrete, one merely makes it a little surer that human beings will have no outlet for their surplus energy except in hatred and leader worship.
** &quot;Some Thoughts on the Common Toad,&quot; ''Tribune'' (12 April 1946)

* The atom bombs are piling up in the factories, the police are prowling through the cities, the lies are streaming from the loudspeakers, but earth is still going round the sun, and neither the dictators nor the bureaucrats, deeply as they disapprove of the process, are able to prevent it.
** &quot;Some Thoughts on the Common Toad,&quot; ''Tribune'' (12 April 1946, [http://archive.tribunemagazine.co.uk/page/12th-april-1946/10 page 10, last paragraph])

* It was only ''after'' the Soviet régime became unmistakably totalitarian that English intellectuals, in large numbers, began to show an interest in it. Burnham, although the English russophile intelligentsia would repudiate him, is really voicing their secret wish: the wish to destroy the old, equalitarian version of Socialism and usher in a hierarchical society where the intellectual can at last get his hands on the whip.
** &quot;Second Thoughts on James Burnham,&quot; ''Polemic'' (summer 1946)

* '''In a Society in which there is no law, and in theory no compulsion, the only arbiter of behaviour is public opinion. But public opinion, because of the tremendous urge to conformity in gregarious animals, is less tolerant than any system of law.''' When human beings are governed by &quot;thou shalt not&quot;, the individual can practise a certain amount of eccentricity: when they are supposedly governed by &quot;love&quot; or &quot;reason&quot;, he is under continuous pressure to make him behave and think in exactly the same way as everyone else.
** &quot;Politics vs. Literature: An Examination of [[Jonathan Swift#Gulliver.27s Travels .281726.29|Gulliver's Travels]],&quot; ''Polemic'' (September/October 1946) - [http://orwell.ru/library/reviews/swift/english/e_swift Full text online]

* People talk about the horrors of war, but what weapon has man invented that even approaches in cruelty to some of the commoner diseases? &quot;Natural&quot; death, almost by definition, means something slow, smelly and painful.
** [http://orwell.ru/library/articles/Poor_Die/english/e_pdie &quot;How the Poor Die&quot;], ''Now'' (November 1946)

* A tragic situation exists precisely when virtue does ''not'' triumph but when it is still felt that man is nobler than the forces which destroy him.
** &quot;[[King Lear|Lear]], [[Leo Tolstoy|Tolstoy]] and the Fool,&quot; ''Polemic'' (March 1947) - [http://orwell.ru/library/essays/lear/english/e_ltf Full text online]]

* [[Shakespeare]] starts by assuming that to make yourself powerless is to invite an attack. This does not mean that ''everyone'' will turn against you (Kent and the Fool stand by Lear from first to last), but in all probability ''someone'' will. '''If you throw away your weapons, some less scrupulous person will pick them up. If you turn the other cheek, you will get a harder blow on it than you got on the first one. This does not always happen, but it is to be expected, and you ought not to complain if it does happen.''' The second blow is, so to speak, part of the act of turning the other cheek. First of all, therefore, there is the vulgar, common-sense moral drawn by the Fool: &quot;Don't relinquish power, don't give away your lands.&quot; But there is also another moral. Shakespeare never utters it in so many words, and it does not very much matter whether he was fully aware of it. It is contained in the story, which, after all, he made up, or altered to suit his purposes. It is: &quot;Give away your lands if you want to, but don't expect to gain happiness by doing so. Probably you won't gain happiness. '''If you live for others, you must live ''for others'', and not as a roundabout way of getting an advantage for yourself.'''&quot;
** &quot;Lear, Tolstoy and the Fool,&quot; ''Polemic'' (March 1947)

* A normal human being does not want the [[Kingdom of Heaven]]: he wants life on earth to continue. This is not solely because he is &quot;weak,&quot; &quot;sinful&quot; and anxious for a &quot;good time.&quot; Most people get a fair amount of fun out of their lives, but on balance life is suffering, and only the very young or the very foolish imagine otherwise. Ultimately it is the Christian attitude which is self-interested and hedonistic, since the aim is always to get away from the painful struggle of earthly life and find eternal peace in some kind of [[Heaven]] or [[Nirvana]]. The humanist attitude is that the struggle must continue and that death is the price of life.
** &quot;Lear, Tolstoy and the Fool,&quot; ''Polemic'' (March 1947)

* There are people who are convinced of the wickedness both of armies and of police forces, but who are nevertheless much more intolerant and inquisitorial in outlook than the normal person who believes that it is necessary to use violence in certain circumstances. They will not say to somebody else, ‘Do this, that and the other or you will go to prison’, but they will, if they can, get inside his brain and dictate his thoughts for him in the minutest particulars. Creeds like pacifism and anarchism, which seem on the surface to imply a complete renunciation of power, rather encourage this habit of mind. For if you have embraced a creed which appears to be free from the ordinary dirtiness of politics — a creed from which you yourself cannot expect to draw any material advantage — surely that proves that you are in the right? And the more you are in the right, the more natural that everyone else should be bullied into thinking likewise.
** &quot;Lear, Tolstoy and the Fool,&quot; ''Polemic'' (March 1947)

* No one can look back on his schooldays and say with truth that they were altogether unhappy.
** [http://orwell.ru/library/essays/joys/english/e_joys &quot;Such, Such Were The Joys&quot;] (May 1947); published in ''Partisan Review'' (September/October 1952)

* '''Threats to freedom of speech, writing and action, though often trivial in isolation, are cumulative in their effect and, unless checked, lead to a general disrespect for the rights of the citizen.'''
** &quot;The Freedom Defence Committee&quot; in &quot;The Socialist Leader ''(18 September 1948); also in'' The Collected Essays, Journalism, &amp; Letters, George Orwell; Vol. IV: In front of your nose, 1945-1950 ''(2000), p. 447''

* I always disagree, however, when people end up saying that we can only combat Communism, Fascism or what not if we develop an equal fanaticism. '''It appears to me that one defeats the fanatic precisely by ''not'' being a fanatic oneself, but on the contrary by using one's intelligence.'''
** Letter to Richard Rees (3 March 1949), ''The Collected Essays, Journalism and Letters of George Orwell'', Vol. 4: ''In front of your nose, 1945-1950'' (1968), ed. Sonia Orwell and Ian Angus, p. 478

* '''It is difficult for a statesman who still has a political future to reveal everything that he knows''': and in a profession in which one is a baby at 50 and middle-aged at seventy-five, it is natural that anyone who has not actually been disgraced should feel that he still has a future.
** Review of ''Their Finest Hour'' by [[Winston Churchill]], ''New Leader'' (14 May 1949)

* One cannot really be Catholic &amp; grown-up.
** &quot;Extracts from a Manuscript Notebook&quot; (1949), ''The Collected Essays, Journalism and Letters of George Orwell'', vol. 4 (1968)

* At 50, everyone has the face he deserves.
** &quot;Extracts from a Manuscript Notebook&quot; (1949), ''The Collected Essays, Journalism and Letters of George Orwell'', vol. 4 (1968)

* I have always thought there might be a lot of cash in starting a new religion.
** ''The Collected Essays, Journalism, and Letters of George Orwell, Volume 1: An Age Like This, 1920-1940'' (1968), edited by Sonia Orwell and Ian Angus Orwell, [https://books.google.com/books?id=hTHuAAAAMAAJ&amp;focus=searchwithinvolume&amp;q=%22a+lot+of+cash+in+starting+a+new+religion%22 p. 304]

*[''Nineteen Eighty-Four''] was based chiefly on communism, because that is the dominant form of totalitarianism, but I was trying chiefly to imagine what communism would be like if it were firmly rooted in the English speaking countries, and was no longer a mere extension of the Russian Foreign Office.
**Letter to [[w:Sidney Sheldon | Sidney Sheldon]], (Aug. 9, 1949) [https://novelbookonline.com/97052-the_other_side_of_me/53 ''The Other Side of Me (Autobiography)''], Hachette Book Group USA, New York, NY, 2006, Chapter 20, p. 53. Sheldon purchased the stage rights to''1984'' from Orwell.

* What is needed is the right to print what one believes to be true, without having to fear bullying or blackmail from any side.
** 1946 exchange with Randall Swingler; quoted in ''Every Intellectual's Big Brother: George Orwell's Literary Siblings'', John Rodden, University of Texas Press, Austin, [https://books.google.de/books?id=UlnwITCGcw8C&amp;pg=PA30&amp;lpg=PA30&amp;dq=%E2%80%9CWhat+is+needed+is+the+right+to+print+what+one+believes+to+be+true,+without+having+to+fear+bullying+or+blackmail+from+any+side.%E2%80%9D&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=bGBK1qYN9w&amp;sig=ACfU3U0pyqW-Lv7073SXe-9N_ftrlrT9ag&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;redir_esc=y#v=onepage&amp;q=%E2%80%9CWhat%20is%20needed%20is%20the%20right%20to%20print%20what%20one%20believes%20to%20be%20true%2C%20without%20having%20to%20fear%20bullying%20or%20blackmail%20from%20any%20side.%E2%80%9D&amp;f=false p. 30]

=== ''[[w:Down and Out in Paris and London|Down and Out in Paris and London]]'' (1933) ===
[[File:The_Philosopher.jpg|right|thumb|Within certain limits, it is actually true that the less [[money]] you have, the less you worry.]]
[[File:Philosopher_with_Out-strechted_Hand.JPG|right|thumb|[[Fate]] seemed to be playing a series of extraordinarily unamusing [[jokes]].]]
: &lt;small&gt;[http://gutenberg.net.au/ebooks01/0100171.txt Full text online]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:OldBeggar1.jpg|right|thumb|At [[present]] I do not feel I have seen more than the fringe of [[poverty]].]]

* The [[Paris]] slums are a gathering-place for eccentric people — people who have fallen into solitary, half-mad grooves of life and given up trying to be normal or decent. '''Poverty frees them from normal standards of behaviour, just as money frees people from work'''. Some of the lodgers in our hotel lived lives that were curious beyond words.
** Ch. 1

* I am trying to describe the people in our quarter, not for the mere curiosity, but because they are all part of the story. '''Poverty is what I am writing about, and I had my first contact with poverty in this slum.''' The slum, with its dirt and its queer lives, was first an object-lesson in poverty, and then the background of my own experiences. It is for that reason that I try to give some idea of what life was like there.
** Ch. 1
* &quot;Ah, the poverty, the shortness the disappointment of human joy! For in reality ''car en realite,'' what is the duration of the supreme moment of love? It is nothing, an instant, a second perhaps. A second of ecstasy, and after that- dust, ashes, nothingness.&quot;
** Ch. 2, Charlie
* For, when you are approaching poverty, you make one discovery which outweighs some of the others. '''You discover boredom and mean complications and the beginnings of hunger, but you also discover the great redeeming feature of poverty: the fact that it annihilates the future.''' Within certain limits, it is actually true that the less money you have, the less you worry. When you have a hundred francs in the world you are liable to the most craven panics. When you have only three francs you are quite indifferent; for three francs will feed you till tomorrow, and you cannot think further than that. You are bored, but you are not afraid. You think vaguely, 'I shall be starving in a day or two--shocking, isn't it?' And then the mind wanders to other topics. A bread and margarine diet does, to some extent, provide its own anodyne. '''And there is another feeling that is a great consolation in poverty. I believe everyone who has been hard up has experienced it. It is a feeling of relief, almost of pleasure, at knowing yourself at last genuinely down and out. You have talked so often of going to the dogs--and well, here are the dogs, and you have reached them, and you can stand it. It takes off a lot of anxiety.'''
** Ch. 3

* There is only one way to make money at writing, and that is to marry a publisher's daughter.
** Ch. 4; a record of a remark by Orwell's fellow tramp Boris

* For, when you are approaching poverty, you make one discovery which outweighs some of the others. You discover boredom and mean complications and the beginnings of hunger, but you also discover the great redeeming feature of poverty: the fact that it annihilates the future. '''Within certain limits, it is actually true that the less money you have, the less you worry.'''
** Ch. 4

* Hunger reduces one to an utterly spineless, brainless condition, more like the after-effects of influenza than anything else. It is as though all one's blood had been pumped out and lukewarm water substituted.
** Ch. 7

* One always abandons something in retreat. Look at [[Napoleon Bonaparte|Napoleon]] at the [[w:Battle of Berezina|Beresina]]! He abandoned his whole army.
** Ch. 7; a remark by Boris

* '''Fate seemed to be playing a series of extraordinarily unamusing jokes.'''
** Ch. 7

* It is fatal to look hungry. It makes people want to kick you.
** Ch. 9; a remark by Boris

* I only realized during my last week that I was being cheated, and, as I could prove nothing, only twenty-five francs were refunded. The doorkeeper played similar tricks on any employee who was fool enough to be taken in. He called himself a Greek, but in reality he was an Armenian. After knowing him I saw the force of the proverb &quot;Trust a snake before a Jew and a Jew before a Greek, but don't trust an Armenian.&quot;
** Ch. 13

* Roughly speaking, the more one pays for food, the more sweat and spittle one is obliged to eat with it. ... Dirtiness is inherent in hotels and restaurants, because sound food is sacrificed to punctuality and smartness... The only food at the Hotel X which was ever prepared cleanly was the staff's.
** Ch. 14

* We crawled up to bed, tumbled down half dressed, and stayed there ten hours. Most of my Saturday nights went like this. On the whole, the two hours when one was perfectly and wildly happy seemed worth the subsequent headache. For many men in the quarter, unmarried and with no future to think of, the weekly drinking-bout was the one thing that made life worth living.
** Ch. 17

* Looking round that filthy room, with raw meat lying among the refuse on the floor, and cold, clotted saucepans sprawling everywhere, and the sink blocked and coated with grease, I used to wonder whether there could be a restaurant in the world as bad as ours. But the other three all said they had been in dirtier places.
** Ch. 21; on the state of the kitchen at the newly opened ''[[w:Public_house#Inns|Auberge]]''.

* How sweet the air does smell — even the air of a back-street in the suburbs — after the shut-in, subfaecal stench of the spike! 
** Ch. 27, on the morning after Orwell is let out of his first tramps' accommodation, or 'spike'.

* He had two subjects of conversation, the shame and come-down of being a tramp, and the best way of getting a free meal.
** Ch. 28, on Paddy the tramp

* Paddy and I had scarcely a wink of sleep, for there was a man near us who had some nervous trouble, shell-shock perhaps, which made him cry out 'Pip!' at irregular intervals. It was a loud, startling noise, something like the toot of a small motor-horn. You never knew when it was coming, and it was a sure preventer of sleep. ...he must have kept ten or twenty people awake every night. He was an example of the kind of thing that prevents one from ever getting enough sleep when men are herded as they are in these lodging houses.'
** Ch. 29

* Being a beggar, he said, was not his fault, and he refused either to have any compunction about it or to let it trouble him. He was the enemy of society, and quite ready to take to crime if he saw a good opportunity. He refused on principle to be thrifty. In the summer he saved nothing, spending his surplus earnings on drink, as he did not care about women. If he was penniless when winter came on, then society must look after him. He was ready to extract every penny he could from charity, provided that he was not expected to say thank you for it. He avoided religious charities, however, for he said it stuck in his throat to sing hymns for buns. He had various other points of honour; for instance, it was his boast that never in his life, even when starving, had he picked up a cigarette end. He considered himself in a class above the ordinary run of beggars, who, he said, were an abject lot, without even the decency to be ungrateful.
** On &quot;Bozo&quot;, in Ch. 30

* '''He was an embittered atheist (the sort of atheist who does not so much disbelieve in God as personally dislike Him), and took a sort of pleasure in thinking that human affairs would never improve.''' Sometimes, he said, when sleeping on the Embankment, it had consoled him to look up at Mars or Jupiter and think that there were probably Embankment sleepers there. He had a curious theory about this. Life on earth, he said, is harsh because the planet is poor in the necessities of existence. Mars, with its cold climate and scanty water, must be far poorer, and life correspondingly harsher. Whereas on earth you are merely imprisoned for stealing sixpence, on Mars you are probably boiled alive. '''This thought cheered Bozo, I do not know why. He was a very exceptional man.'''
** Ch. 30

* '''Beggars do not work, it is said; but then, what is ''work''?''' A navvy works by swinging a pick. An accountant works by adding up figures. A beggar works by standing out of doors in all weathers and getting varicose veins, bronchitis etc. '''It is a trade like any other; quite useless, of course — but, then, many reputable trades are quite useless.''' And as a social type a beggar compares well with scores of others. He is honest compared with the sellers of most patent medicines, high-minded compared with a Sunday newspaper proprietor, amiable compared with a hire-purchase tout-in short, a parasite, but a fairly harmless parasite. He seldom extracts more than a bare living from the community, and, what should justify him according to our ethical ideas, he pays for it over and over in suffering.
** Ch. 31

* The most bitter insult one can offer to a Londoner is &quot;bastard&quot; — which, taken for what it means, is hardly an insult at all.
** Ch. 32
* The whole business of swearing, especially English swearing, is mysterious. Of its very nature swearing is as irrational as magic-- indeed, it is a species of magic. But there is also a paradox about it, namely this: Our intention in swearing is to shock and wound, which we do by mentioning something that should be kept secret--usually something to do with the sexual functions. But the strange thing is that when a word is well established as a swear word, it seems to lose its original meaning; that is, it loses the thing that made it into a swear word. A word becomes an oath because it means a certain thing, and, because it has become an oath, it ceases to mean that thing.
** Ch. 32
* It is curious how people take it for granted that they have a right to preach at you and pray over you as soon as your income falls below a certain level.
** Ch. 33

* My story ends here. It is a fairly trivial story, and I can only hope that it has been interesting in the same way as a trivial diary is interesting. ... '''At present I do not feel I have seen more than the fringe of poverty. &lt;br&gt;   Still, I can point to one or two things I have definitely learned by being hard up. I shall never again think that all tramps are drunken scoundrels, nor expect a beggar to be grateful when I give him a penny, nor be surprised if men out of work lack energy, nor subscribe to the Salvation Army, nor pawn my clothes, nor refuse a handbill, nor enjoy a meal at a smart restaurant. That is a beginning.'''
** Ch. 38

=== ''[[w:Burmese Days|Burmese Days]]'' (1934) ===
[[File:British_Indian_Empire_1909_Imperial_Gazetteer_of_India.jpg|right|thumb|Living a lie the whole time — the lie that we're here to uplift our poor black brothers instead of to rob them … it [[corrupts]] us, it corrupts us in ways you can't imagine.]]

* '''Ellis was one of those people who constantly nag others to echo their own opinions.'''
** Ch. II

* '''Living a lie the whole time — the lie that we're here to uplift our poor black brothers instead of to rob them ... it corrupts us, it corrupts us in ways you can't imagine.'''
** John Flory, Ch. III

* '''Beauty is meaningless until it is shared.'''
** Ch. IV

* It is one of the tragedies of the half-educated that they develop late, when they are already committed to some wrong way of life.
** Ch. V

* I always think they're rather charming-looking, the Burmese. They have such splendid bodies! Just think what sights you'd see in England if people went about half naked as they do here!
** John Flory, Ch X

* An earthquake is such fun when it is over.
** Ch. XV

* Is there anything in the world more graceless, more dishonouring, than to desire a woman whom you will never have?
** Ch XX

* Envy is a horrible thing. It is unlike all other kinds of suffering in that there is no disguising it, no elevating it into tragedy. It is more than merely painful, it is disgusting.
** Ch. XX

=== ''[[w:Keep the Aspidistra Flying|Keep the Aspidistra Flying]]'' (1936) ===
[[File:Soda jerk NYWTS.jpg|right|thumb|The Americans always go one better on any kind of beastliness, whether it is ice-cream soda, racketeering or theosophy. ]]

* '''Though I speak with the tongues of men and of [[angels]], and have not [[money]], I am become as a sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.''' And though I have the gift of [[prophecy]], and understand all [[mysteries]], and all [[knowledge]]; and though I have all [[faith]], so that I could remove [[mountains]], and have not money, I am [[nothing]]. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not money, it profiteth me nothing. Money suffereth long, and is kind; money envieth not; money vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doth not behave unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. ... '''And now abideth [[faith]], hope, money, these three; but the greatest of these is money.'''
** opening lines, I Corinthians xiii (adapted)

* Money, once again; all is money. All human relationships must be purchased with money. '''If you have no money, men won't care for you, women won't love you; won't, that is, care for you or love you the last little bit that matters.''' And how right they are, after all! For, moneyless, you are unlovable. Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels. But then, if I haven't money, I DON'T speak with the tongues of men and of angels.

* In a country like England you can no more be cultured without money than you can join the Cavalry Club.

* That devastating omniscience! That noxious, horn-spectacled refinement! And the money that such refinement means! For after all, what is there behind it, except money? Money for the right kind of education, money for influential friends, money for leisure and peace of mind, money for trips to Italy. Money writes books, money sells them. Give me not righteousness, O Lord, give me money, only money. 
** Ch. 1

* Of all types of human being, only the artist takes it upon himself to say that he 'cannot' work. But it is quite true; there ARE times when one cannot work. Money again, always money! Lack of money means discomfort, means squalid worries, means shortage of tobacco, means ever-present consciousness of failure - above all, it means loneliness. How can you be anything but lonely on two quid a week? And in loneliness no decent book was ever written. 
** Ch. 2

* No need to repeat the blasphemous comments which everyone who had known Gran'pa Comstock made on that last sentence. But it is worth pointing out that the chunk of granite on which it was inscribed weighed close on five tons and was quite certainly put there with the intention, though not the conscious intention, of making sure that Gran'pa Comstock shouldn't get up from underneath it. If you want to know what a dead man's relatives really think of him, a good rough test is the weight of his tombstone.
** Ch. 3

* Gordon and his friends had quite an exciting time with their 'subversive ideas'. For a whole year they ran an unofficial monthly paper called the Bolshevik, duplicated with [[w:hectograph|jellygraph]]. It advocated Socialism, free love, the dismemberment of the British Empire, the abolition of the Army and Navy, and so on and so forth. It was great fun. Every intelligent boy of sixteen is a Socialist. At that age one does not see the hook sticking out of the rather stodgy bait.
** Ch. 3

* There are two ways to live, he decided. You can be rich, or you can deliberately refuse to be rich. You can possess money, or you can despise money; the one fatal thing is to worship money and fail to get it. 
** Ch.3

* Most of the employees were the hard-boiled, Americanized, go-getting type to whom nothing in the world is sacred, except money. They had their cynical code worked out. The public are swine; [[advertising]] is the rattling of a stick inside a swill-bucket. And yet beneath their cynicism there was the final naivete, the blind worship of the money-god.
** Ch. 3

* It was queer. All over England young men were eating their hearts out for lack of jobs, and here was he, Gordon, to whom the very word 'job' was faintly nauseous, having jobs thrust unwanted upon him. It was an example of the fact that '''you can get anything in this world if you genuinely don't want it.'''
** Ch. 3

* He had reached the age when the future ceases to be a rosy blur and becomes actual and menacing.
** Ch. 3

* That is the devilish thing about poverty, the ever-recurrent thing - loneliness. Day after day with never an intelligent person to talk to; night after night back to your godless room, always alone. Perhaps it sounds rather fun if you are rich and sought-after; but how different it is when you do it from necessity!
** Ch. 4

* When you have no money your life is one long series of snubs. 
** Ch. 4

* Gordon put his hand against the swing door. He even pushed it open a few inches. The warm fog of smoke and beer slipped through the crack. A familiar, reviving smell; nevertheless as he smelled it his nerve failed him. No! Impossible to go in. He turned away. He couldn't go shoving into that saloon bar with only fourpence halfpenny in his pocket. Never let other people buy your drinks for you! The first commandment of the moneyless. He made off down the dark pavement.
** Ch. 4

* Social failure, artistic failure, sexual failure - they are all the same. And lack of money is at the bottom of them all. 
** Ch. 4

* No rich man ever succeeds in disguising himself as a poor man; for money, like murder, will out. 
** Ch. 5

* This life we live nowadays! It's not life, it's stagnation, death-in-life. Look at all these bloody houses, and the meaningless people inside them! Sometimes I think we're all corpses. Just rotting upright.
** Ch. 5

* Money is the one thing you must never mention when you are with people richer than yourself. Or if you do, then it must be money in the abstract, money with a big 'M', not the actual concrete money that's in your pocket and isn't in mine. 
** Ch. 5

*After all, it's only what Marx said. Every ideology is a reflection of economic circumstances. 
** Ch. 5

* Poverty is spiritual halitosis.
** Ch. 5

* Hermione always yawned at the mention of Socialism, and refused even to read Antichrist. 'Don't talk to me about the lower classes,' she used to say. 'I hate them. They ''smell''.' And Ravelston adored her.
** Ch. 5

* What rot it is to talk about Socialism or any other ism when women are what they are! The only thing a woman ever wants is money; money for a house of her own and two babies and Drage furniture and an aspidistra. The only sin they can imagine is not wanting to grab money. No woman ever judges a man by anything except his income. Of course she doesn't put it to herself like that. She says he's ''such a nice man'' - meaning that he's got plenty of money. And if you haven't got money you aren't ''nice''. You're dishonoured, somehow. You've sinned. Sinned against the aspidistra. 
** Ch. 5

* This woman business! What a bore it is! What a pity we can't cut it right out, or at least be like the animals—minutes of ferocious lust and months of icy chastity. Take a cock pheasant, for example. He jumps up on the hen's backs without so much as a with your leave or by your leave. And no sooner is it over than the whole subject is out of his mind. He hardly even notices his hens any longer; he ignores them, or simply pecks them if they come too near his food. He is not called upon to support his offspring, either. Lucky pheasant! How different from the lord of creation, always on the hop between his memory and his conscience
** Ch. 6

* Marriage is only a trap set for you by the money-god. You grab the bait; snap goes the trap; and there you are, chained by the leg to some 'good' job till they cart you to Kensal Green. And what a life! Licit sexual intercourse in the shade of the aspidistra. Pram-pushing and sneaky adulteries. And the wife finding you out and breaking the cut-glass whisky decanter over your head. 
** Ch. 6

* Without money, you can't be straightforward in your dealings with women. For without money, you can't pick and choose, you've got to take what women you can get; and then, necessarily, you've got to break free of them. Constancy, like all other virtues, has got to be paid for in money. 
** Ch. 6

* Why is it that one can't borrow from a rich friend and can from a half-starved relative? 
** Ch. 7

* He would only drift and sink, drift and sink, like the others of his family; but worse than them - down, down into some dreadful sub-world that as yet he could only dimly imagine. It was what he had chosen when he declared war on money. Serve the money-god or go under; there is no other rule. 
** Ch. 7

* She looked at him helplessly. After all, it was no use. There was this money-business standing in the way - these meaningless scruples which she had never understood but which she had accepted merely because they were his. She felt all the impotence, the resentment of a woman who sees an abstract idea triumphing over common sense. 
** Ch. 10

* Their friendship was at an end, it seemed to him. The evil time when he had lived on Ravelston had spoiled everything. Charity kills friendship. 
** Ch. 10

* Before, he had fought against the money code, and yet he had clung to his wretched remnant of decency. But now it was precisely from decency that he wanted to escape. He wanted to go down, deep down, into some world where decency no longer mattered; to cut the strings of his self-respect, to submerge himself—to ''sink'', as Rosemary had said. It was all bound up in his mind with the thought of being ''under ground''. He liked to think of the lost people, the under-ground people: tramps, beggars, criminals, prostitutes. It is a good world that they inhabit, down there in their frowzy kips and spikes. He liked to think that beneath the world of money there is that great sluttish underworld where failure and success have no meaning; a sort of kingdom of ghosts where all are equal. That was where he wished to be, down in the ghost-kingdom, ''below'' ambition. It comforted him somehow to think of the smoke-dim slums of South London sprawling on and on, a huge graceless wilderness where you could lose yourself forever.
** Ch. 10

* '''One's got to change the system, or one changes nothing.'''
** Ch. 10

*The Americans always go one better on any kind of beastliness, whether it is ice-cream soda, racketeering or theosophy. 
** Ch. 11

=== ''[[w:Homage to Catalonia|Homage to Catalonia]]'' (1938) ===
[[File:Spanish_Civil_War_memorial_-_geograph.org.uk_-_943633.jpg|right|thumb|I have the most [[evil]] [[memories]] of [[Spain]], but I have very few bad memories of Spaniards.]]
: &lt;small&gt;[http://www.george-orwell.org/Homage_to_Catalonia/index.html Full text online]&lt;/small&gt;

* Chiefly I remember the horsy smells, the quavering bugle-calls (all our buglers were amateurs--I first learned the Spanish bugle-calls by listening to them outside the Fascist lines), the tramp-tramp of hobnailed boots in the barrack yard, the long morning parades in the wintry sunshine, the wild games of football, fifty a side, in the gravelled riding--school.

* '''I have no particular love for the idealised &quot;worker&quot; as he appears in the bourgeois Communist's mind, but when I see an actual flesh-and-blood worker in conflict with his natural enemy, the policeman, I do not have to ask myself which side I am on.'''

* All Spaniards, we discovered, knew two English expressions. One was &quot;O.K., baby&quot;, the other was a word used by the Barcelona whores in their dealings with English sailors, and I am afraid the compositors would not print it.

* '''I have the most evil memories of Spain, but I have very few bad memories of Spaniards.''' 

* The fat Russian agent was cornering all the foreign refugees in turn and explaining plausibly that this whole affair was an [[Anarchist]] plot. '''I watched him with some interest, for it was the first time that I had seen a person whose profession was telling lies — unless one counts journalists.'''

* It was the first time that I had ever been in a town where the working class was in the saddle ... There was much in it that I did not understand, '''in some ways I did not even like it, but I recognized it immediately as a state of affairs worth fighting for.'''

* An immense amount, enough to fill many books, has already been written on the subject [of the Barcelona fighting], and I do not suppose I should exaggerate if I said that nine-tenths of it is untruthful.

* It seemed queer, in the barber's shop, to see the Anarchist notice still on the wall, explaining that tips were prohibited. '''&quot;The Revolution has struck off our chains,&quot; the notice said. I felt like telling the barbers that their chains would soon be back on again if they didn't look out.'''

* '''Human beings were behaving as human beings and not as cogs in the capitalist machine.'''

* It is sometimes a comfort to me to think that the aeroplane is changing the conditions of warfare. In the next great war, we may see that sight unprecedented in all history, a [[w:Jingoism|jingo]] with a bullet-hole in him.

* Everyone always did miss everyone else in this war, whenever it was humanly possible to do so.

* The workers' militias, based on the trade unions and each composed of people of approximately the same political opinions, had the effect of canalizing into one place all the most revolutionary sentiment in the country. I had dropped more or less by chance into '''the only community of any size in Western Europe where political consciousness and disbelief in capitalism were more normal than their opposites.''' Up here in Aragón one was among tens of thousands of people, mainly though not entirely of working-class origin, all living at the same level and mingling on terms of equality. In theory it was perfect equality, and even in practice it was not far from it. There is a sense in which it would be true to say that one was experiencing a foretaste of Socialism, by which I mean that the prevailing mental atmosphere was that of Socialism. Many of the normal motives of civilized life--snobbishness, money-grubbing, fear of the boss, etc.--had simply ceased to exist. The ordinary class-division of society had disappeared to an extent that is almost unthinkable in the money-tainted air of England; there was no one there except the peasants and ourselves, and no one owned anyone else as his master. Of course such a state of affairs could not last. It was simply a temporary and local phase in an enormous game that is being played over the whole surface of the earth. But it lasted long enough to have its effect upon anyone who experienced it. However much one cursed at the time, one realized afterwards that one had been in contact with something strange and valuable. One had been in a community where hope was more normal than apathy or cynicism, where the word 'comrade' stood for comradeship and not, as in most countries, for humbug. One had breathed the air of equality. I am well aware that it is now the fashion to deny that Socialism has anything to do with equality. '''In every country in the world a huge tribe of party-hacks and sleek little professors are busy 'proving' that Socialism means no more than a planned state—capitalism with the grab-motive left intact. But fortunately there also exists a vision of Socialism quite different from this. The thing that attracts ordinary men to Socialism and makes them willing to risk their skins for it, the 'mystique' of Socialism, is the idea of equality; to the vast majority of people Socialism means a classless society, or it means nothing at all.''' And it was here that those few months in the militia were valuable to me.

* It is the same in all wars; the soldiers do the fighting, the journalists do the shouting, and no true patriot ever gets near a front-line trench, except on the briefest of propaganda-tours.

* The revolutionary atmosphere remained as I had first known it. General and private, peasant and militiaman, still met as equals; everyone drew the same pay, wore the same clothes, ate the same food, and called everyone else 'thou' and 'comrade'; there was no boss-class, no menial-class, no beggars, no prostitutes, no lawyers, no priests, no boot-licking, no cap-touching. I was breathing the air of equality, and I was simple enough to imagine that it existed all over Spain. I did not realize that more or less by chance I was isolated among the most revolutionary section of the Spanish working class.

* '''No one I met at this time — doctors, nurses, practicantes, or fellow-patients — failed to assure me that a man who is hit through the neck and survives it is the luckiest creature alive. I could not help thinking that it would be even luckier not to be hit at all.'''

=== Charles Dickens (1939)===
* Men are only as good as their technical development allows them to be.
** &quot;[[Charles Dickens]]&quot; (1939), ''Inside the Whale and Other Essays'' (1940) [http://orwell.ru/library/reviews/dickens/english/e_chd]

*The great disadvantage, and advantage, of the small urban bourgeois is his limited outlook. He sees the world as a middle-class world, and everything outside, these limits is either laughable or slightly wicked. 
** ''A Collection of Essays'', pp. 65-66

* Dickens's attitude is easily intelligible to an Englishman, because it is part of the English puritan tradition, which is not dead even at this day. The class Dickens belonged to, at least by adoption, was growing suddenly rich after a couple of centuries of obscurity. It had grown up mainly in the big towns, out of contact with agriculture, and politically impotent; government, in its experience, was something which either interfered or persecuted. Consequently it was a class with no tradition of public service and not much tradition of usefulness. '''What now strikes us as remarkable about the new moneyed class of the nineteenth century is their complete irresponsibility; they see everything in terms of individual success, with hardly any consciousness that the community exists.'''

* The thing that drove Dickens forward into a form of art for which he was not really suited, and at the same time caused us to remember him, was simply the fact that he was a moralist, the consciousness of ‘having something to say’. He is always preaching a sermon, and that is the final secret of his inventiveness. For you can only create if you can ''care''. Types like Squeers and Micawber could not have been produced by a hack writer looking for something to be funny about. '''A joke worth laughing at always has an idea behind it, and usually a subversive idea. Dickens is able to go on being funny because he is in revolt against authority, and authority is always there to be laughed at.'''

* '''When one reads any strongly individual piece of writing, one has the impression of seeing a [[face]] somewhere behind the page. It is not necessarily the actual face of the writer.''' I feel this very strongly with [[Jonathan Swift|Swift]], with [[Daniel Defoe|Defoe]], with [[Henry Fielding|Fielding]], [[Stendhal]], [[William Makepeace Thackeray|Thackeray]], [[Gustave Flaubert|Flaubert]], though in several cases I do not know what these people looked like and do not want to know. What one sees is the face that the writer ought to have. Well, in the case of Dickens I see a face that is not quite the face of Dickens's photographs, though it resembles it. It is the face of a man of about forty, with a small beard and a high colour. He is laughing, with a touch of [[anger]] in his [[laughter]], but no triumph, no malignity. It is the face of a man who is always fighting against something, but who fights in the open and is not frightened, the face of a man who is generously angry — in other words, of a nineteenth-century liberal, '''a free intelligence, a type hated with equal hatred by all the smelly little orthodoxies which are now contending for our [[souls]].'''
* The truth is that Dickens's criticism of society is almost exclusively moral. Hence the utter lack of any constructive suggestion anywhere in his work. He attacks the law, parliamentary government, the educational system and so forth, without ever clearly suggesting what he would put in their places. Of course it is not necessarily the business of a novelist, or a satirist, to make constructive suggestions, but the point is that Dickens's attitude is at bottom not even destructive. There is no clear sign that he wants the existing order to be overthrown, or that he believes it would make very much difference if it ''were'' overthrown. For in reality his target is not so much society as ‘human nature’. It would be difficult to point anywhere in his books to a passage suggesting that the economic system is wrong ''as a system''.
* I have been discussing Dickens simply in terms of his ‘message’, and almost ignoring his literary qualities. But every writer, especially every novelist, ''has'' a ‘message’, whether he admits it or not, and the minutest details of his work are influenced by it. '''All art is propaganda.''' Neither Dickens himself nor the majority of Victorian novelists would have thought of denying this. '''On the other hand, not all propaganda is art'''. As I said earlier, Dickens is one of those writers who are felt to be worth stealing. He has been stolen by Marxists, by Catholics and, above all, by Conservatives. The question is, What is there to steal? Why does anyone care about Dickens? Why do I care about Dickens?
* The outstanding, unmistakable mark of Dickens's writing is the ''unnecessary detail''.
* '''There are occasions when it pays better to fight and be beaten than not to fight at all.'''
*'''If Dickens were alive to-day he would make a trip to Soviet Russia and come back with a book rather like Gide's ''Retour de L'URSS.'''
*

=== [[w:The Lion and the Unicorn: Socialism and the English Genius|The Lion and the Unicorn]] (1941) ===
[[File:Heinkel_He_111_during_the_Battle_of_Britain_2.jpg|right|thumb|As I write, highly civilized [[human]] beings are flying overhead, trying to [[kill]] me.]]
[[File:Coat_of_Arms_of_the_United_Kingdom_(1837-1952).svg|right|thumb|[[England]] is perhaps the only great country whose intellectuals are ashamed of their own nationality.]]
: &lt;small&gt;[http://www.k-1.com/Orwell/site/work/essays/lionunicorn.html &quot;The Lion and the Unicorn: Socialism and the English Genius&quot; (1941) Full text on line]&lt;/small&gt;

* '''As I write, highly civilized human beings are flying overhead, trying to kill me.''' &lt;br&gt; They do not feel any enmity against me as an individual, nor I against them. They are ‘only doing their duty’, as the saying goes. Most of them, I have no doubt, are kind-hearted law-abiding men who would never dream of committing murder in private life.
** Part I : England Your England,  § I

* '''One cannot see the modern world as it is unless one recognizes the overwhelming strength of patriotism, national loyalty.''' In certain circumstances it can break down, at certain levels of civilization it does not exist, but as a positive force there is nothing to set beside it. Christianity and international Socialism are as weak as straw in comparison with it. '''[[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]] and [[Benito Mussolini|Mussolini]] rose to power in their own countries very largely because they could grasp this fact and their opponents could not.'''
** Part I : England Your England,  § I
*Also, one must admit that the divisions between nation and nation are founded on real differences of outlook. Till recently it was thought proper to pretend that all human beings are very much alike, but in fact anyone able to use his eyes knows that the average of human behaviour differs enormously from country to country. Things that could happen in one country could not happen in another.
**Part I : England Your England,  § I
*Yes, there ''is'' something distinctive and recognisable in English civilisation. It is a culture as individual as that of Spain. It is somehow bound up with solid breakfasts and gloomy Sundays, smoky towns and winding roads, green fields and red pillar-boxes. It has a flavour of its own.
**Part I : England Your England,  § I
*The gentleness of the English civilisation is perhaps its most marked characteristic. You notice it the instant you set foot on English soil. It is a land where the bus conductors are good-tempered and the policemen carry no revolvers.
**Part I : England Your England,  § II
*A navy employs comparatively few people, and it is an external weapon which cannot affect home politics directly. Military dictatorships exist everywhere, but there is no such thing as a naval dictatorship. What English people of nearly all classes loathe from the bottom of their hearts is the swaggering officer type, the jingle of spurs, and the crash of boots.
**Part I : England Your England,  § II
*The goose-step, for instance, is one of the most horrible sights in the world, far more terrifying than a dive-bomber. It is simply an affirmation of naked power; contained in it, quite consciously and intentionally, is '''the vision of a boot crashing down on a face'''. Its ugliness is part of its essence, for what it is saying is &quot;Yes, I ''am'' ugly, and you daren't laugh at me&quot;, like the bully who makes faces at his victim. Why is the goose-step not used in England? There are, heaven knows, plenty of army officers who would be only too glad to introduce some such thing. It is not used because the people in the street would laugh.
**Part I : England Your England,  § II

*During the war of 1914-18 the English working class were in contact with foreigners to an extent that is rarely possible. The sole result was that they brought back a hatred of all Europeans, except the Germans, whose courage they admired. In four years on French soil they did not even acquire a liking for wine.
**Part I : England Your England,  § III
*Thereupon the people picked a leader nearer to their mood, Churchill, who was at any rate able to grasp that '''wars are not won without fighting'''. Later, perhaps, they will pick another leader who can grasp that only Socialist nations can fight effectively.
**Part I : England Your England,  § III
*England is the most class-ridden country under the sun. It is a land of snobbery and privilege, ruled largely by the old and silly. But in any calculation about it one has got to take into account its emotional unity, the tendency of nearly all its inhabitants to feel alike and act together in moments of supreme crisis. It is the only great country in Europe that is not obliged to drive hundreds of thousands of its nationals into exile or the concentration camps. 
** Part I : England Your England,  § III

* Is the English press honest or dishonest? '''At normal times it is deeply dishonest. All the papers that matter live off their advertisements, and the advertisers exercise an indirect censorship over news.''' Yet I do not suppose there is one paper in England that can be straightforwardly bribed with hard cash. '''In the France of the Third Republic all but a very few of the newspapers could notoriously be bought over the counter like so many pounds of cheese.'''
** Part I : England Your England,  § III

*England is not the jewelled isle of [[Shakespeare]]’s [[Richard_II_(play)#Act_II|much-quoted message]], nor is it the inferno depicted by Dr [[Goebbels]]. More than either it resembles a family, a rather stuffy Victorian family, with not many black sheep in it but with all its cupboards bursting with skeletons. It has rich relations who have to be kow-towed to and poor relations who are horribly sat upon, and there is a deep conspiracy of silence about the source of the family income. It is a family in which the young are generally thwarted and most of the power is in the hands of irresponsible uncles and bedridden aunts. Still, it is a family. It has its private language and its common memories, and at the approach of an enemy it closes its ranks. A family with the wrong members in control — that, perhaps, is as near as one can come to describing England in a phrase.
** Part I : England Your England,  § III
*Probably the battle of Waterloo ''was'' won on the playing-fields of Eton, but the opening battles of all subsequent wars have been lost there. 
**Part I : England Your England,  § IV

*It must be admitted that so long as things were peaceful the methods of the British ruling class served them well enough. Their own people manifestly tolerated them. However unjustly England might be organized, it was at any rate not torn by class warfare or haunted by secret police. The Empire was peaceful as no area of comparable size has ever been. Throughout its vast extend, nearly a quarter of the earth, there were fewer armed men than would be found necessary by a minor Balkan state. As people live under, and looking at them merely from a liberal, ''negative'' standpoint, the British ruling class had their points.
** Part I : England Your England,  § IV

*The policeman who arrests the &quot;Red&quot; does not understand the theories the &quot;Red&quot; is preaching; if he did, his own position as bodyguard of the monied class might seem less pleasant to him.
** Part I : England Your England,  § IV

* '''The British ruling class were not altogether wrong in thinking that Fascism was on their side. It is a fact that any rich man, unless he is a Jew, has less to fear from Fascism than from either Communism or democratic Socialism. One ought never to forget this, for nearly the whole of German and Italian propaganda is designed to cover it up.'''
** Part I : England Your England,  § IV
*The middle-class families celebrated by Kipling, the prolific lowbrow families whose sons officered the army and navy and swarmed over all the waste places of the earth from the Yukon to the Irrawaddy, were dwindling before 1914. The thing that had killed them was the telegraph. In a narrowing world, more and more governed from Whitehall, there was every year less room for individual initiative.
**Part I : England Your England,  § V

* '''England is perhaps the only great country whose intellectuals are ashamed of their own nationality.''' In left-wing circles it is always felt that there is something slightly disgraceful in being an Englishman and that it is a duty to snigger at every English institution, from horse racing to suet puddings. It is a strange fact, but it is unquestionably true that almost any English intellectual would feel more ashamed of standing to attention during ''God save the King'' than of stealing from a poor box.
** Part I : England Your England,  § V
*In whatever shape England emerges from the war it will be deeply tinged with the characteristics that I have spoken of earlier. The intellectuals who hope to see it Russianized or Germanized will be disappointed. The gentleness, the hypocrisy, the thoughtlessness, the reverence for law and the hatred of uniforms will remain, along with the suet puddings and the misty skies. It needs some very great disaster, such as prolonged subjugation by a foreign enemy, to destroy a national culture. The Stock Exchange will be pulled down, the horse plough will give way to the tractor, the country houses will be turned into children’s holiday camps, the Eton and Harrow match will be forgotten, but England will still be England, an everlasting animal stretching into the future and the past, and, like all living things, having the power to change out of recognition and yet remain the same.
**Part I : England Your England,  § VI

* '''Fascism, at any rate the German version, is a form of [[capitalism]] that borrows from [[Socialism]] just such features as will make it efficient for [[war]] purposes.''' Internally, Germany has a good deal in common with a Socialist state. Ownership has never been abolished, there are still capitalists and workers, and — this is the important point, and the real reason why rich men all over the world tend to sympathize with Fascism — generally speaking the same people are capitalists and the same people workers as before the [[Nazi]] revolution. But at the same time the State, which is simply the Nazi Party, is in control of everything. It controls investment, raw materials, rates of interest, working hours, wages. The factory owner still owns his factory, but he is for practical purposes reduced to the status of a manager. Everyone is in effect a State employee, though the salaries vary very greatly. The mere efficiency of such a system, the elimination of waste and obstruction, is obvious. In seven years it has built up the most powerful war machine the world has ever seen. &lt;br /&gt; But '''the idea underlying Fascism is irreconcilably different from that which underlies Socialism. Socialism aims, ultimately, at a world-state of free and equal human beings. It takes the equality of human rights for granted. Nazism assumes just the opposite.''' The driving force behind the Nazi movement is the belief in human inequality, the superiority of Germans to all other races, the right of Germany to rule the world. Outside the German Reich it does not recognize any obligations.
** Part II : Shopkeepers At War, § I
*The lady in the Rolls-Royce car is more damaging to morale than a fleet of Göring’s bombing planes.
**Part II : Shopkeepers At War, § II
*War is the greatest of all agents of change. It speeds up all processes, wipes out minor distinctions, brings realities to the surface.
**Part III : The English Revolution, § II

=== ''[[w:As I Please|As I Please]]'' (1943–1947) ===
* Having defeated your enemy you have to choose (unless you want another war within a generation) between exterminating him and treating him generously.
**&quot;As I Please,&quot; ''Tribune'', (24 December 1943)
* So far as it goes, the distinction, between an atrocity and an act of war is valid. An atrocity means an act of terrorism which has no genuine military purpose. One must accept such distinctions if one accepts war at all, which in practice everyone does.  Nevertheless, a world in which it is wrong to murder an individual and right to drop a thousand tons of high explosive on a residential area does sometimes make me wonder whether this planet of hours is not a loony-bin made use of by some other planet.
**&quot;As I Please,&quot; ''Tribune'', (31 December 1943)
*Not to have a national anthem would be logical.
** &quot;As I Please,&quot; ''Tribune'' (31 December 1943)&lt;sup&gt;[http://www.telelib.com/words/authors/O/OrwellGeorge/essay/tribune/AsIPlease19431231.html]&lt;/sup&gt;

* Antisemitism, for instance, is simply not the doctrine of a grown-up person.
** &quot;As I Please,&quot; ''Tribune'' (28 January 1944)&lt;sup&gt;[http://www.telelib.com/words/authors/O/OrwellGeorge/essay/tribune/AsIPlease19440128.html]&lt;/sup&gt;

* During the Spanish civil war I found myself feeling very strongly that a true history of this war never would or could be written.&amp;nbsp; Accurate figures, objective accounts of what was happening, simply did not exist.&amp;nbsp; And if I felt that even in 1937, when the Spanish Government was still in being, and the lies which the various Republican factions were telling about each other and about the enemy were relatively small ones, how does the case stand now?&amp;nbsp; Even if Franco is overthrown, what kind of records will the future historian have to go upon?&amp;nbsp; And if Franco or anyone at all resembling him remains in power, the history of the war will consist quite largely of &quot;facts&quot; which millions of people now living know to be lies.
* During part of 1941 and 1942, when the Luftwaffe was busy in Russia, the German radio regaled its home audience with stories of devastating air raids on London.&amp;nbsp; Now, we are aware that those raids did not happen.&amp;nbsp; But what use would our knowledge be if the Germans conquered Britain?&amp;nbsp; For the purpose of a future historian, did those raids happen, or didn't they?&amp;nbsp; The answer is:&amp;nbsp; If Hitler survives, they happened, and if he falls they didn't happen.&amp;nbsp; So with innumerable other events of the past ten or twenty years.&amp;nbsp; Is the Protocols of the Elders of Zion a genuine document?&amp;nbsp; Did Trotsky plot with the Nazis?&amp;nbsp; How many German aeroplanes were shot down in the Battle of Britain?&amp;nbsp; Does Europe welcome the New Order?&amp;nbsp; In no case do you get one answer which is universally accepted because it is true: in each case you get a number of totally incompatible answers, one of which is finally adopted as the result of a physical struggle.&amp;nbsp; '''History is written by the winners.'''
* A Nazi and a non-Nazi version of the present war would have no resemblance to one another, and which of them finally gets into the history books will be decided not by evidential methods but on the battlefield......In the last analysis our only claim to victory is that if we win the war we shall tell less lies about it than our adversaries. The really frightening thing about totalitarianism is not that it commits &quot;atrocities&quot; but that it attacks the concept of objective truth; it claims to control the past as well as the future.
** &quot;As I Please,&quot; ''Tribune'' (4 February 1944)&lt;sup&gt;[http://alexpeak.com/twr/hiwbtw/]&lt;/sup&gt;

*  But it takes a war to make map-reading popular.
**&quot;As I Please,&quot; ''Tribune'' (11 February 1944)
*The idea that an advanced civilization need not rest on slavery is a relatively new idea, for instance; it is a good deal younger than the Christian religion. But even if [[G.K. Chesterton|Chesterton]]'s dictum were true, it would only be true in the sense that a statue is contained in every block of stone. Ideas may not change, but emphasis shifts constantly. It could be claimed, for example, that the most important part of [[Karl Marx|Marx]]'s theory is contained in the saying: '''‘Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.’''' But before Marx developed it, what force had that saying had? Who had paid any attention to it? Who had inferred from it — what it certainly implies — that laws, religions and moral codes are all a superstructure built over existing property relations? It was [[Jesus|Christ]], according to the Gospel, who uttered the text, but it was Marx who brought it to life. And ever since he did so the motives of politicians, priests, judges, moralists and millionaires have been under the deepest suspicion — which, of course, is why they hate him so much.'
** [http://orwell.ru/library/articles/As_I_Please/english/eaip_01 ''As I Please'' (25 February 1944)]

* If you talk to a thoughtful Christian, Catholic or Anglican, you often ﬁnd yourself laughed at for being so ignorant as to suppose that anyone ever took the doctrines of the Church literally.
* Having lived in an oriental country I have developed a certain indifference to miracles, and I well know that having delusions, or even being an outright lunatic, is quite compatible with what is loosely called genius.
**&quot;As I Please,&quot; ''Tribune'' (3 March 1944)&lt;sup&gt;[http://alexpeak.com/twr/orwell/quotes/]&lt;/sup&gt;
*[Man] is not likely to salvage civilization unless he can evolve a system of good and evil which is independent of heaven and hell.
** &quot;As I Please,&quot; ''Tribune'' (3 March 1944)&lt;sup&gt;[http://alexpeak.com/twr/orwell/quotes/]&lt;/sup&gt;

* Let a politician die, and his worst enemies will stand up on the ﬂoor of the House and utter pious lies in his honour, but a writer or artist must be sniffed at, at least if he is any good.
* [E]ven stupidity is better than totalitarianism.
** &quot;As I Please,&quot; ''Tribune'' (10 March 1944)&lt;sup&gt;[http://alexpeak.com/twr/orwell/quotes/]&lt;/sup&gt;

* It will be seen that, as used, the word ‘Fascism’ is almost entirely meaningless. In conversation, of course, it is used even more wildly than in print. I have heard it applied to farmers, shopkeepers, Social Credit, corporal punishment, fox-hunting, bull-ﬁghting, the 1922 Committee, the 1941 Committee, Kipling, Gandhi, Chiang Kai-Shek, homosexuality, Priestley's broadcasts, Youth Hostels, astrology, women, dogs and I do not know what else.
** &quot;As I Please,&quot; ''Tribune'' (24 March 1944)&lt;sup&gt;[http://alexpeak.com/twr/wif/]&lt;/sup&gt;

* But Fascism is also a political and economic system.&amp;nbsp; Why, then, cannot we have a clear and generally accepted definition of it?&amp;nbsp; Alas! we shall not get one—not yet, anyway.&amp;nbsp; To say why would take too long, but basically it is because it is impossible to define Fascism satisfactorily without making admissions which neither the Fascists themselves, nor the Conservatives, nor Socialists of any colour, are willing to make.&amp;nbsp; All one can do for the moment is to use the word with a certain amount of circumspection and not, as is usually done, degrade it to the level of a swearword.
** &quot;As I Please,&quot; ''Tribune'' (24 March 1944)&lt;sup&gt;[http://alexpeak.com/twr/wif/]&lt;/sup&gt;

* '''The [[fallacy]] is to believe that under a dictatorial government you can be free ''inside''.'''&amp;nbsp; Quite a number of people console themselves with this thought, now that totalitarianism in one form or another is visibly on the up-grade in every part of the world.&amp;nbsp; Out in the street the loudspeakers bellow, the flags flutter from the rooftops, the police with their tommy-guns prowl to and fro, the face of the Leader, four feet wide, glares from every hoarding; but up in the attics the secret enemies of the regime can record their thoughts in perfect freedom—that is the idea, more or less.
**[https://books.google.com/books?id=fCRLPIbLP8IC&amp;lpg=PA132&amp;dq=%22fallacy%20is%20to%20believe%20that%20under%20a%20dictatorial%22&amp;pg=PA132#v=onepage&amp;q=%22fallacy%20is%20to%20believe%20that%20under%20a%20dictatorial%22&amp;f=false &quot;As I Please,&quot; ''Tribune'' (28 April 1944)]

* The greatest mistake is to imagine that the human being is an autonomous individual. The secret freedom which you can supposedly enjoy under a despotic government is nonsense, because your thoughts are never entirely your own. Philosophers, writers, artists, even scientists, not only need encouragement and an audience, they need constant stimulation from other people. '''It is almost impossible to think without talking.''' ... '''Take away freedom of speech, and the creative faculties dry up.'''
** [https://books.google.com/books?id=fCRLPIbLP8IC&amp;pg=PA133&amp;dq=%22it+is+almost+impossible+to+think+without+talking%22&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwjZi9qjndzZAhURrVkKHbDDCxkQ6AEILjAB#v=onepage&amp;q=%22it%20is%20almost%20impossible%20to%20think%20without%20talking%22&amp;f=false &quot;As I Please,&quot; ''Tribune'' (28 April 1944)]

* One of the big failures in human history has been the agelong attempt to stop women painting their faces.
** [http://alexpeak.com/twr/orwell/quotes/ &quot;As I Please,&quot; ''Tribune'' (28 April 1944)]

* In the nineteenth century some parts of the world were unexplored, but there was almost no restriction on travel.&amp;nbsp; Up to 1914 you did not need a passport for any country except Russia.&amp;nbsp; The European emigrant, if he could scrape together a few pounds for the passage, simply set sail for America or Australia, and when he got there no questions were asked.&amp;nbsp; In the eighteenth century it had been quite normal and safe to travel in a country with which your own country was at war.
** &quot;As I Please,&quot; ''Tribune'' (12 May 1944)&lt;sup&gt;[http://alexpeak.com/twr/orwell/quotes/]&lt;/sup&gt;

* A phrase much used in political circles in this country is &quot;playing into the hands of&quot;.&amp;nbsp; It is a sort of charm or incantation to silence uncomfortable truths.&amp;nbsp; When you are told that by saying this, that or the other you are &quot;playing into the hands of&quot; some sinister enemy, you know that it is your duty to shut up immediately.
** &quot;As I Please,&quot; ''Tribune'' (9 June 1944)&lt;sup&gt;[http://alexpeak.com/twr/tpithoa/]&lt;/sup&gt;

* Circus dogs jump when the trainer cracks his whip, but the really well-trained dog is the one that turns his somersault when there is no whip.
** &quot;As I Please,&quot; ''Tribune'' (7 July 1944)

* [T]he outcry against killing women, if you accept killing at all, is sheer sentimentality.&amp;nbsp; Why is it worse to kill a woman than a man?
** &quot;As I Please,&quot; ''Tribune'' (14 July 1944)&lt;sup&gt;[http://alexpeak.com/twr/orwell/quotes/]&lt;/sup&gt;

* The whole question of evolution seems less momentous than it did, because, unlike the Victorians, we do not feel that to be descended from animals is degrading to human dignity.
** &quot;As I Please,&quot; ''Tribune'' (21 July 1944)&lt;sup&gt;[http://alexpeak.com/twr/orwell/quotes/]&lt;/sup&gt;

* In any form of art designed to appeal to large numbers of people,...[t]he rich man is usually 'bad', and his machinations are invariably frustrated.&amp;nbsp; 'Good poor man defeats bad rich man' is an accepted formula.
** &quot;As I Please,&quot; ''Tribune'' (28 July 1944)&lt;sup&gt;[http://alexpeak.com/twr/orwell/quotes/]&lt;/sup&gt;

* War damages, the fabric of civilisation not by the destruction it causes (the net effect of a war may even be to increase the productive capacity of the world as a whole) nor even by the slaughter of human beings, but by the stimulated hatred and dishonesty.
**&quot;As I Please,&quot; ''Tribune'' (4 August 1944)&lt;sup&gt;[http://alexpeak.com/twr/orwell/quotes/]&lt;/sup&gt;
*Anyone who knows of a provable instance of colour discrimination ought always to expose it.
** &quot;As I Please,&quot; ''Tribune'' (11 August 1944)&lt;sup&gt;[http://alexpeak.com/twr/orwell/quotes/]&lt;/sup&gt;

* Stop to consider how the so-called owners of the land got hold of it.&amp;nbsp; They simply seized it by force, afterwards hiring lawyers to provide them with title-deeds.&amp;nbsp; In the case of the [[w:enclosure|enclosure]] of the common lands, which was going on from about 1600 to 1850, the land-grabbers did not even have the excuse of being foreign conquerors; '''they were quite frankly taking the heritage of their own countrymen,''' upon no sort of pretext except that they had the power to do so.&lt;sup&gt;[http://alexpeak.com/twr/oateotc/]&lt;/sup&gt;
* I note that once again there is serious talk of trying to attract tourists to this country after the war...[b]ut it is quite safe to prophesy that the attempt will be a failure.&amp;nbsp; Apart from the many other difficulties, our licensing laws and the artificial price of drink are quite enough to keep foreigners away.&amp;nbsp; ...&amp;nbsp; But even these prices are less dismaying to foreigners than the lunatic laws which permit you to buy a glass of beer at half past ten while forbidding you to buy it at twenty-ﬁve past, and which have done their best to turn the pubs into mere boozing shops by excluding children from them.
:How downtrodden we are in comparison with most other peoples is shown by the fact that even people who are far from being &quot;temperance&quot; don't seriously imagine that our licensing laws could be altered.&amp;nbsp; Whenever I suggest that pubs might be allowed to open in the afternoon, or to stay open till midnight, I always get the same answer:&amp;nbsp; &quot;The ﬁrst people to object would be the publicans.&amp;nbsp; They don't want to have to stay open twelve hours a day.&quot;&amp;nbsp; People assume, you see, that opening hours, whether long or short, must be regulated by the law, even for one-man businesses.&amp;nbsp; In France, and in various other countries, a café proprietor opens or shuts just as it suits him.&amp;nbsp; He can keep open the whole twenty-four hours if he wants to; and, on the other hand, if he feels like shutting his cafe and going away for a week, he can do that too.&amp;nbsp; In England we have had no such liberty for about a hundred years, and people are hardly able to imagine it.&lt;sup&gt;[http://alexpeak.com/twr/dwall/]&lt;/sup&gt;
:* &quot;As I Please&quot; column in ''The Tribune'' (18 August 1944)

* '''Do remember that dishonesty and cowardice always have to be paid for.'''&amp;nbsp; Don't imagine that for years on end you can make yourself the boot-licking propagandist of the Soviet régime, or any other régime, and then suddenly return to mental decency.&amp;nbsp; Once a whore, always a whore.
** &quot;As I Please&quot; column in ''The Tribune'' (1 September 1944)&lt;sup&gt;[http://alexpeak.com/twr/trriw/]&lt;/sup&gt;

* [Some correspondents] rightly claimed that State patronage [for artists and authors] is a better guarantee against starvation than private patronage, but seemed to me too ready to disregard the censorship that this implies.&amp;nbsp; The usual line was that it is better for the artist to be a responsible member of a community than an anarchic individualist.&amp;nbsp; The issue, however, is not between irresponsible &quot;self-expression&quot; and discipline; it is between truth and lies.  Artists don't so much object to ''aesthetic'' discipline.&amp;nbsp; Architects will design theatres or churches equally readily, writers will switch from the three-volume novel to the one-volume, or from the play to the film, according to the demand.&amp;nbsp; But the point is that this is a political age.&amp;nbsp; A writer inevitably writes—and less directly this applies to all the arts—about contemporary events, and his impulse is to tell what he believes to be the truth.&amp;nbsp; But no government, no big organization, will pay for the truth.&amp;nbsp; To take a crude example: can you imagine the British Government commissioning E. M. Forster to write ''A Passage to India''?&amp;nbsp; He could only write it because he was ''not'' dependent on State aid.
** &quot;As I Please&quot; column in ''The Tribune'' (13 October 1944)&lt;sup&gt;[http://alexpeak.com/twr/orwell/quotes/][http://alexpeak.com/twr/ooc/#2]&lt;/sup&gt;

* The thing that I think very striking is that no one, or no one I can remember, ever writes of an execution ''with approval''.&amp;nbsp; The dominant note is always horror.&amp;nbsp; Society, apparently, cannot get along without capital punishment—for there are some people whom it is simply not safe to leave alive—and yet there is no one, when the pinch comes, who feels it right to kill another human being in cold blood.&amp;nbsp; I watched a man hanged once.&amp;nbsp; There was no question that everybody concerned knew this to be a dreadful, unnatural action.&amp;nbsp; I believe it is always the same—the whole jail, warders and prisoners alike, is upset when there is an execution.&amp;nbsp; It is probably the fact that capital punishment is accepted as necessary, and yet instinctively felt to be wrong, that gives so many descriptions of executions their tragic atmosphere.&amp;nbsp; They are mostly written by people who have actually watched an execution and feel it to be a terrible and only partly comprehensible experience which they want to record; whereas battle literature is largely written by people who have never heard a gun go off and think of a battle as a sort of football match in which nobody gets hurt.
** &quot;As I Please&quot; column in ''The Tribune'' (3 November 1944)&lt;sup&gt;[http://alexpeak.com/twr/oocp/]&lt;/sup&gt;

* The thing that strikes me more and more—and it strikes a lot of other people, too—is the extraordinary viciousness and dishonesty of political controversy in our time.&amp;nbsp; I don't mean merely that controversies are acrimonious.&amp;nbsp; They ought to be that when they are on serious subjects.&amp;nbsp; '''I mean that almost nobody seems to feel that an opponent deserves a fair hearing or that the objective truth matters as long as you can score a neat debating point.'''
** &quot;As I Please,&quot; ''Tribune'' (8 December 1944)&lt;sup&gt;[http://alexpeak.com/twr/tdoaom/]&lt;/sup&gt;

* We are told that it is only people's objective actions that matter, and their subjective feelings are of no importance.&amp;nbsp; Thus pacifists, by obstructing the war effort, are 'objectively' aiding the Nazis; and therefore the fact that they may be personally hostile to Fascism is irrelevant.&amp;nbsp; I have been guilty of saying this myself more than once.&amp;nbsp; The same argument is applied to [[Leon Trotsky|Trotskyism]]...To criticize the Soviet Union helps [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]]: therefore &quot;Trotskyism is Fascism&quot;.&amp;nbsp; And when this has been established, the accusation of conscious treachery is usually repeated.  '''This is not only dishonest; it also carries a severe penalty with it.&amp;nbsp; If you disregard people's motives, it becomes much harder to foresee their actions.'''
** &quot;As I Please,&quot; ''Tribune'' (8 December 1944)&lt;sup&gt;[http://alexpeak.com/twr/tdoaom/]&lt;/sup&gt;

* '''The important thing is to discover ''which'' individuals are honest and which are not, and the usual blanket accusation merely makes this more difficult.'''&amp;nbsp; The atmosphere of hatred in which controversy is conducted blinds people to considerations of this kind.&amp;nbsp; '''To admit that an opponent might be both honest and intelligent is felt to be intolerable.&amp;nbsp; It is more immediately satisfying to shout that he is a fool or a scoundrel, or both, than to find out what he is really like.'''&amp;nbsp; It is this habit of mind, among other things, that has made political prediction in our time so remarkably unsuccessful.
** &quot;As I Please,&quot; ''Tribune'' (8 December 1944)&lt;sup&gt;[http://alexpeak.com/twr/tdoaom/]&lt;/sup&gt;

* Victor Raikes, the Tory M.P., who is an able and outspoken reactionary, made a speech which I should have considered a good one if it had referred only to Poland and Jugoslavia.&amp;nbsp; But after dealing with those two countries he went on to speak about Greece, and then suddenly black became white, and white black.&amp;nbsp; There was no booing, no interjections from the quite large audience—and none there, apparently, who could see that the forcing of quisling governments upon unwilling peoples is equally undesirable whoever does it.
* ''The Daily Worker'' disapproves of dictatorship in Athens, the ''Catholic Herald'' disapproves of dictatorship in Belgrade.&amp;nbsp; There is no one who is able to say—at least, no one who has the chance to say in a newspaper of big circulation—that this whole dirty game of spheres of inﬂuence, quislings, purges, deportation, one-party elections and hundred per cent plebiscites is morally the same whether it is done by ourselves, the Russians or the Nazis.&amp;nbsp; Even in the case of such frank returns to barbarism as the use of hostages, disapproval is only felt when it happens to be the enemy and not ourselves who is doing it.
** &quot;As I Please,&quot; ''Tribune'' (26 January 1945)&lt;sup&gt;[http://alexpeak.com/twr/orwell/quotes/]&lt;/sup&gt;

* It is not a good symptom that hanging should still be the accepted form of capital punishment in this country.&amp;nbsp; Hanging is a barbarous, inefficient way of killing anybody, and at least [[w:Death erection|one fact about it]]—quite widely known, I believe—is so obscene as to be almost unprintable.
** &quot;As I Please&quot; column in ''The Tribune'' (15 November 1946)&lt;sup&gt;[http://alexpeak.com/twr/oocp/]&lt;/sup&gt;

* While the game of deadlocks and bottle-necks goes on, another more serious game is also being played. It is governed by two axioms. One is that there can be no peace without a general surrender of sovereignty: the other is that no country capable of defending its sovereignty ever surrenders it. '''If one keeps these axioms in mind one can generally see the [[relevant]] [[facts]] in international affairs through the smoke-screen with which the newspapers surround them.'''
** &quot;As I Please,&quot; ''Tribune'' (13 December 1946)

* '''This business of making people ''conscious'' of what is happening outside their own small circle is one of the major problems of our time, and a new literary technique will have to be evolved to meet it.''' Considering that the people of this country are not having a very comfortable time, you can't perhaps, blame them for being somewhat callous about suffering elsewhere, but the remarkable thing is the extent to which they manage to be unaware of it. Tales of starvation, ruined cities, concentration camps, mass deportations, homeless refugees, persecuted Jews&amp;nbsp;— all this is received with a sort of incurious surprise, as though such things had never been heard of but at the same time were not particularly interesting. The now-familiar photographs of skeleton-like children make very little impression. '''As time goes on and the horrors pile up, the mind seems to secrete a sort of self-protecting ignorance which needs a harder and harder shock to pierce it, just as the body will become immunised to a drug and require bigger and bigger doses.'''
** &quot;As I Please,&quot; ''The Tribune'' (17 January 1947)

* Since the decay of the belief in personal immortality, death has never seemed funny, and it will be a long time before it does so again. Hence the disappearance of the facetious epitaph, once a common feature of country churchyards. I should be astonished to see a comic epitaph dated later than 1850. There is one in Kew, if I remember rightly, which might be about that date. About half the tombstone is covered with a long panegyric on his dead wife by a bereaved husband: at the bottom of the stone is a later inscription which reads, ‘Now he’s gone, too’.'
** [http://www.telelib.com/authors/O/OrwellGeorge/essay/tribune/AsIPlease19470214.html ''As I Please'' (17 February 1947)]

* But is it really necessary, in 1947, to teach children to use expressions like &quot;native&quot; and &quot;Chinaman&quot;?&lt;/br&gt;The last-named word has been regarded as offensive by the Chinese for at least a dozen years. As for “native,” it was being officially discountenanced even in India as long as twenty years ago.&lt;/br&gt;It is no use answering that it is childish for an Indian or an African to feel insulted when he is called a “native.” We all have these feelings in one form or another. '''If a Chinese wants to be called a Chinese and not a Chinaman, if a Scotsman objects to be called a Scotchman, or if a Negro demands his capital N, it is only the most ordinary politeness to do what is asked of one.'''
** [https://web.archive.org/web/20140726212048/http://www.netcharles.com/orwell/essays/asiplease1947-01.htm &quot;As I Please,&quot; ''Daily Herald/Tribune'' (27 February 1947)]

=== Looking Back on the Spanish War (1943) ===
[[File:RepublicanWoman1936GTaro.jpg|right|thumb|We have become too civilized to grasp the obvious. For the [[truth]] is very [[simple]]. To [[survive]] you often have to fight, and to fight you have to dirty yourself. [[War]] is [[evil]], and it is often the lesser evil.]]
: &lt;small&gt;[http://orwell.ru/library/essays/Spanish_War/english/esw_1 Full text online]&lt;/small&gt;

* '''We have become too civilized to grasp the obvious. For the [[truth]] is very [[simple]]. To [[survive]] you often have to fight, and to fight you have to dirty yourself. War is evil, and it is often the lesser evil. Those who take the sword perish by the sword, and those who don't take the sword perish by smelly diseases.'''
** § 1

* I have little direct evidence about the atrocities in the [[w:Spanish Civil War|Spanish civil war]]. I know that some were committed by the Republicans, and far more (they are still continuing) by the Fascists. But what impressed me then, and has impressed me ever since, is that atrocities are believed in or disbelieved in solely on grounds of political predilection. '''Everyone believes in the atrocities of the enemy and disbelieves in those of his own side, without ever bothering to examine the evidence.'''
** § 2

* Early in life I have noticed that no event is ever correctly reported in a newspaper, but in Spain, for the first time, I saw newspaper reports which did not bear any relation to the facts, not even the relationship which is implied in an ordinary lie. I saw great battles reported where there had been no fighting, and complete silence where hundreds of men had been killed. I saw troops who had fought bravely denounced as cowards and traitors, and others who had never seen a shot fired hailed as the heroes of imaginary victories; and '''I saw newspapers in London retailing these lies and eager intellectuals building emotional superstructures over events that had never happened. I saw, in fact, history being written not in terms of what happened but of what ought to have happened according to various ‘party lines’'''.
** § 4

*This kind of thing is frightening to me, because '''it often gives me the feeling that the very concept of objective truth is fading out of the world.''' [...] A British and a German historian would disagree deeply on many things, even on fundamentals, but there would still be that body of, as it were, neutral fact on which neither would seriously challenge the other. '''It is just this common basis of agreement, with its implication that human beings are all one species of animal, that totalitarianism destroys. Nazi theory indeed specifically denies that such a thing as ‘the truth’ exists. There is, for instance, no such thing as ‘Science’. There is only ‘German Science’, ‘Jewish Science’, etc.''' The implied objective of this line of thought is a nightmare world in which the Leader, or some ruling clique, controls not only the future but the past. If the Leader says of such and such an event, ‘It never happened’ — well, it never happened. If he says that two and two are five — well, two and two are five. '''This prospect frightens me much more than bombs — and after our experiences of the last few years that is not a frivolous statement.'''
** § 4

*The intelligentsia are the people who squeal loudest against fascism, and yet a respectable proportion of them collapse into defeatism when the pinch comes. They are far-sighted enough to see the odds against them, and moreover they can be bribed — for it is evident that the Nazis think it worth while to bribe intellectuals.
** § 5

*When one thinks of the cruelty, squalor, and futility of war - and in this particular case of the intrigues, the persecutions, the lies and the misunderstandings - there is always the temptation to say: &quot;One side is as bad as the other. I am neutral.&quot; In practice, however, one cannot be neutral, and there is hardly such a thing as a war in which it makes no difference who wins. Nearly always one side stands more or less for progress, the other more or less for reaction. 
**§ 5

* '''The outcome of the Spanish war was settled in [[London]], [[Paris]], [[Rome]], [[Berlin]] — at any rate not in Spain.''' After the summer of 1937 those with eyes in their heads realized that the Government could not win the war unless there were some profound change in the international set-up, and in deciding to fight on [[w:Juan Negrín|Negrin]] and the others may have been partly influenced by the expectation that the world war which actually broke out in 1939 was coming in 1938. '''The much-publicized disunity on the Government side was not a main cause of defeat.''' The Government militias were hurriedly raised, ill-armed and unimaginative in their military outlook, but they would have been the same if complete political agreement had existed from the start. '''At the outbreak of war the average Spanish factory-worker did not even know how to fire a rifle (there had never been universal conscription in Spain), and the traditional pacifism of the Left was a great handicap.''' The thousands of foreigners who served in Spain made good infantry, but there were very few experts of any kind among them. The Trotskyist thesis that the war could have been won if the revolution had not been sabotaged was probably false. '''To nationalize factories, demolish churches, and issue revolutionary manifestoes would not have made the armies more efficient. The Fascists won because they were the stronger; they had modern arms and the others hadn't. No political strategy could offset that.''' &lt;br&gt; '''The most baffling thing in the Spanish war was the behaviour of the great powers.''' The war was actually won for [[Francisco Franco|Franco]] by the Germans and Italians, whose motives were obvious enough. The motives of France and Britain are less easy to understand. In 1936 it was clear to everyone that if Britain would only help the Spanish Government, even to the extent of a few million pounds' worth of arms, Franco would collapse and German strategy would be severely dislocated. '''By that time one did not need to be a clairvoyant to foresee that war between Britain and Germany was coming; one could even foretell within a year or two when it would come.''' Yet in the most mean, cowardly, hypocritical way the British ruling class did all they could to hand Spain over to Franco and the Nazis. Why? Because they were pro-Fascist, was the obvious answer. Undoubtedly they were, and yet when it came to the final showdown they chose to stand up to Germany. It is still very uncertain what plan they acted on in backing Franco, and they may have had no clear plan at all. Whether the British ruling class are wicked or merely stupid is one of the most difficult questions of our time, and at certain moments a very important question.
** § 6

*I believe that in the future we shall come to feel that Stalin's foreign policy, instead of being so diabolically clever as it is claimed to be, has been merely opportunistic and stupid.
** § 6

=== Antisemitism in Britain (1945) ===
: &lt;small&gt;Published in ''Contemporary Jewish Record'' (April 1945). [https://orwell.ru/library/articles/antisemitism/english/e_antib Full essay online]&lt;/small&gt;
* [...] there is no real Jewish “problem” in England. The Jews are not numerous or powerful enough, and it is only in what are loosely called “intellectual circles” that they have any noticeable influence.
*[...] above a certain intellectual level people are ashamed of being antisemitic and are careful to draw a distinction between “antisemitism” and “disliking Jews”. 
*[...] antisemitism is an irrational thing. The Jews are accused of specific offences (for instance, bad behaviour in food queues) which the person speaking feels strongly about, but it is obvious that these accusations merely rationalise some deep-rooted prejudice.
*A minority of the refugees behaved in an exceedingly tactless way, and the feeling against them necessarily had an antisemitic undercurrent, since they were largely Jews. 
*I have already indicated that I believe antisemitism to be essentially a neurosis, but of course it has its rationalisations, which are sincerely believed in and are partly true. The rationalisation put forward by the common man is that the Jew is an exploiter.
*[...] antisemitism is rationalised by saying that the Jew is a person who spreads disaffection and weakens national morale.

=== [[w:Notes on Nationalism|Notes on Nationalism]] (1945) ===
[[File:Nazi_Strike_2.jpg|right|thumb|Nationalism is power-hunger tempered by self-deception.]]
: &lt;small&gt;Published in ''Polemic'' (October 1945); [http://www.orwell.ru/library/essays/nationalism/english/e_nat Full essay online with original footnotes] - [http://gutenberg.net.au/ebooks03/0300011h.html#part30 alternate site]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Into_the_Jaws_of_Death_23-0455M_edit.jpg|right|thumb|Those who &quot;abjure&quot; violence can only do so because others are committing violence on their behalf.]]

* '''By &quot;nationalism&quot; I mean first of all the habit of assuming that human beings can be classified like insects and that whole blocks of millions or tens of millions of people can be confidently labelled &quot;good&quot; or &quot;bad.&quot;''' But secondly — and this is much more important — I mean the habit of identifying oneself with a single nation or other unit, placing it beyond good and evil and recognizing no other duty than that of advancing its interests. '''Nationalism is not to be confused with patriotism.''' Both words are normally used in so vague a way that any definition is liable to be challenged, but one must draw a distinction between them, since two different and even opposing ideas are involved. By &quot;patriotism&quot; I mean devotion to a particular place and a particular way of life, which one believes to be the best in the world but has no wish to force on other people. '''Patriotism is of its nature defensive, both militarily and culturally. Nationalism, on the other hand, is inseparable from the desire for power.''' The abiding purpose of every nationalist is to secure more power and more prestige, not for himself but for the nation or other unit in which he has chosen to sink his own individuality.

* '''Nationalism is power-hunger tempered by self-deception.'''

* '''The nationalist not only does not disapprove of atrocities committed by his own side, but he has a remarkable capacity for not even hearing about them.'''

*[T]ransferred nationalism has been a common phenomenon among literary intellectuals. With Lafcadio Hearne the transference was to Japan, with Carlyle and many others of his time to Germany, and in our own age it is usually to Russia. But the peculiarly interesting fact is that re-transference is also possible. A country or other unit which has been worshipped for years may suddenly become detestable, and some other object of affection may take its place with almost no interval. In the first version of H. G. Wells's Outline of History, and others of his writings about that time, one finds the United States praised almost as extravagantly as Russia is praised by Communists today: yet within a few years this uncritical admiration had turned into hostility. The bigoted Communist who changes in a space of weeks, or even days, into an equally bigoted Trotskyist is a common spectacle. In continental Europe Fascist movements were largely recruited from among Communists, and the opposite process may well happen within the next few years. What remains constant in the nationalist is his state of mind: the object of his feelings is changeable, and may be imaginary.

*[F]or an intellectual, transference has an important function which I have already mentioned shortly in connection with Chesterton. It makes it possible for him to be much more nationalistic — more vulgar, more silly, more malignant, more dishonest — that he could ever be on behalf of his native country, or any unit of which he had real knowledge. When one sees the slavish or boastful rubbish that is written about Stalin, the Red Army, etc. by fairly intelligent and sensitive people, one realises that this is only possible because some kind of dislocation has taken place. '''In societies such as ours, it is unusual for anyone describable as an intellectual to feel a very deep attachment to his own country. Public opinion — that is, the section of public opinion of which he as an intellectual is aware — will not allow him to do so'''. Most of the people surrounding him are sceptical and disaffected, and he may adopt the same attitude from imitativeness or sheer cowardice: in that case he will have abandoned the form of nationalism that lies nearest to hand without getting any closer to a genuinely internationalist outlook. He still feels the need for a Fatherland, and it is natural to look for one somewhere abroad. Having found it, he can wallow unrestrainedly in exactly those emotions from which he believes that he has emancipated himself. God, the King, the Empire, the Union Jack — all the overthrown idols can reappear under different names, and because they are not recognised for what they are they can be worshipped with a good conscience. Transferred nationalism, like the use of scapegoats, is a way of attaining salvation without altering one's conduct.

* '''Actions are held to be good or bad, not on their own merits, but according to who does them, and there is almost no kind of outrage — torture, the use of hostages, forced labour, mass deportations, imprisonment without trial, forgery, assassination, the bombing of civilians — which does not change its moral colour when it is committed by ‘our’ side.'''

* '''The majority of [[pacifists]] either belong to obscure religious sects or are simply humanitarians who object to taking life and prefer not to follow their [[thoughts]] beyond that point.''' But there is a minority of intellectual pacifists, whose real though unacknowledged motive appears to be hatred of western democracy and admiration for totalitarianism. Pacifist propaganda usually boils down to saying that one side is as bad as the other, but '''if one looks closely at the writing of the younger intellectual pacifists, one finds that they do not by any means express impartial disapproval but are directed almost entirely against Britain and the United States. Moreover they do not as a rule condemn violence as such, but only violence used in defence of western countries.''' The Russians, unlike the British, are not blamed for defending themselves by warlike means, and indeed all pacifist propaganda of this type avoids mention of Russia or China. It is not claimed, again, that the Indians should abjure violence in their struggle against the British. Pacifist literature abounds with equivocal remarks which, if they mean anything, appear to mean that statesmen of the type of Hitler are preferable to those of the type of Churchill, and that violence is perhaps excusable if it is violent enough. After the fall of France, the French pacifists, faced by a real choice which their English colleagues have not had to make, mostly went over to the Nazis, and in England there appears to have been some small overlap of membership between the Peace Pledge Union and the Blackshirts. Pacifist writers have written in praise of Carlyle, one of the intellectual fathers of Fascism. '''All in all it is difficult not to feel that pacifism, as it appears among a section of the intelligentsia, is secretly inspired by an admiration for power and successful cruelty.'''

* Many people were undisguisedly pleased when Singapore fell or when the British were driven out of Greece, and there was a remarkable unwillingness to believe in good news, e.g. el Alamein, or the number of German planes shot down in the Battle of Britain. English left-wing intellectuals did not, of course, actually want the Germans or Japanese to win the war, but many of them could not help getting a certain kick out of seeing their own country humiliated, and wanted to feel that the final victory would be due to Russia, or perhaps America, and not to Britain. 

* '''If one harbours anywhere in one's mind a nationalistic loyalty or hatred, certain facts, although in a sense known to be true, are inadmissible.''' Here are just a few examples. I list below five types of nationalist, and against each I append a fact which it is impossible for that type of nationalist to accept, even in his secret thoughts:
:: BRITISH TORY. Britain will come out of this war with reduced power and prestige.
:: COMMUNIST. If she had not been aided by Britain and America, Russia would have been defeated by Germany.
:: IRISH NATIONALIST. Eire can only remain independent because of British protection.
:: TROTSKYIST. The Stalin regime is accepted by the Russian masses.
:: PACIFIST. '''Those who &quot;abjure&quot; [[violence]] can only do so because others are committing violence on their behalf.'''
: '''All of these [[facts]] are grossly obvious if one's [[emotions]] do not happen to be involved: but to the kind of person named in each case they are also ''intolerable'', and so they have to be denied, and false theories constructed upon their denial.''' I come back to the astonishing failure of military prediction in the present war. It is, I think, true to say that the intelligentsia have been more wrong about the progress of the war than the common people, and that they were more swayed by partisan feelings. The average intellectual of the Left believed, for instance, that the war was lost in 1940, that the Germans were bound to overrun Egypt in 1942, that the Japanese would never be driven out of the lands they had conquered, and that the Anglo-American bombing offensive was making no impression on Germany. '''He could believe these things because his hatred for the British ruling class forbade him to admit that British plans could succeed. There is no limit to the follies that can be swallowed if one is under the influence of feelings of this kind.''' I have heard it confidently stated, for instance, that the American troops had been brought to Europe not to fight the Germans but to crush an English revolution. '''One has to belong to the intelligentsia to believe things like that: no ordinary man could be such a fool.'''

* '''There is no crime, absolutely none, that cannot be condoned when 'our' side commits it.'''

=== [[w:The Prevention of Literature|The Prevention of Literature]] (1946) ===
:  &lt;small&gt;Published in ''Polemic'' (January 1946); [http://www.k-1.com/Orwell/site/work/essays/literature.html Full text online] - [http://www.george-orwell.org/The_Prevention_of_Literature/0.html alternate site]&lt;/small&gt;

* The enemies of intellectual [[liberty]] always try to present their case as a plea for [[discipline]] versus [[individualism]]. '''The issue [[truth]]-versus-untruth is as far as possible kept in the background.''' Although the point of emphasis may vary, the writer who refuses to sell his opinions is always branded as a mere egoist. He is accused, that is, either of wanting to shut himself up in an ivory tower, or of making an exhibitionist display of his own personality, or of resisting the inevitable current of history in an attempt to cling to unjustified privileges.

* '''A [[Totalitarianism|totalitarian]] state is in effect a [[theocracy]], and its ruling caste, in order to keep its position, has to be thought of as infallible.''' But since, in practice, no one is infallible, it is frequently necessary to rearrange past events in order to show that this or that mistake was not made, or that this or that imaginary triumph actually happened. Then, again, every major change in policy demands a corresponding change of doctrine and a revaluation of prominent historical figures.
* One need not swallow such absurdities as this, but one ought to recognise that the present political chaos is connected with the decay of language, and that one can probably bring about some improvement by starting at the verbal end. If you simplify your English, you are freed from the worst follies of orthodoxy.
* Totalitarianism, however, does not so much promise an age of faith as an age of schizophrenia. '''A society becomes totalitarian when its structure becomes flagrantly artificial: that is, when its ruling class has lost its function but succeeds in clinging to power by force or fraud.''' Such a society, no matter how long it persists, can never afford to become either tolerant or intellectually stable. '''It can never permit either the truthful recording of facts or the emotional sincerity that literary creation demands.''' But to be corrupted by totalitarianism one does not have to live in a totalitarian country. The mere prevalence of certain ideas can spread a kind of poison that makes one subject after another impossible for literary purposes. '''Wherever there is an enforced orthodoxy — or even two orthodoxies, as often happens — good writing stops.''' This was well illustrated by the Spanish civil war. To many English intellectuals the war was a deeply moving experience, but not an experience about which they could write sincerely. '''There were only two things that you were allowed to say, and both of them were palpable lies: as a result, the war produced acres of print but almost nothing worth reading.'''

=== [[w:Politics and the English Language|Politics and the English Language]] (1946) ===
[[File:Hypocrisie.jpg|right|thumb|If [[thought]] corrupts [[language]], language can also corrupt thought.]]
:  &lt;small&gt;Published in ''Horizon'' (April 1946); [http://orwell.ru/library/essays/politics/english/e_polit Full text online] - [http://www.k-1.com/Orwell/site/work/essays/language.html alternate site (no footnotes)]&lt;/small&gt;

* Modern English, especially written English, is full of bad habits which spread by imitation and which can be avoided if one is willing to take the necessary trouble.

* A man may take to drink because he feels himself to be a failure, and then fail all the more completely because he drinks. It is rather the same thing that is happening to the English language. It becomes ugly and inaccurate because our thoughts are foolish, but the slovenliness of our language makes it easier for us to have foolish thoughts. 

* '''The word ''[[Fascism]]'' has now no meaning except in so far as it signifies &quot;something not desirable&quot;. The words ''[[democracy]]'', ''[[socialism]]'', ''[[freedom]]'', ''[[patriotic]]'', ''[[realistic]]'', ''[[justice]]'' have each of them several different [[meanings]] which cannot be reconciled with one another.''' In the case of a [[word]] like ''democracy'', not only is there no agreed definition, but the attempt to make one is resisted from all sides. It is almost universally felt that when we call a country democratic we are praising it: consequently the defenders of every kind of regime claim that it is a democracy, and fear that they might have to stop using that word if it were tied down to any one meaning. '''Words of this kind are often used in a consciously dishonest way. That is, the person who uses them has his own private definition, but allows his hearer to think he means something quite different.''' Statements like ''[[w:Philippe Pétain|Marshal Petain]] was a true patriot'', ''The Soviet press is the freest in the world'', ''The Catholic Church is opposed to persecution'', are almost always made with intent to deceive. Other words used in variable meanings, in most cases more or less dishonestly, are: ''class'', ''[[totalitarian]]'', ''[[science]]'', ''progressive'', ''reactionary'', ''bourgeois'', ''[[equality]]''.
* When one watches some tired hack on the platform mechanically repeating the familiar phrases -- ''bestial, atrocities, iron heel, bloodstained tyranny, free peoples of the world, stand shoulder to shoulder'' -- one often has a curious feeling that one is not watching a live human being but some kind of dummy: a feeling which suddenly becomes stronger at moments when the light catches the speaker's spectacles and turns them into blank discs which seem to have no eyes behind them. And this is not altogether fanciful. A speaker who uses that kind of phraseology has gone some distance toward turning himself into a machine. The appropriate noises are coming out of his larynx, but his brain is not involved, as it would be if he were choosing his words for himself. If the speech he is making is one that he is accustomed to make over and over again, he may be almost unconscious of what he is saying, as one is when one utters the responses in church. And this reduced state of consciousness, if not indispensable, is at any rate favourable to political conformity. 
* The great enemy of clear language is insincerity. When there is a gap between one's real and one's declared aims, one turns as it were instinctively to long words and exhausted idioms, like a cuttlefish spurting out ink. In our age there is no such thing as ‘keeping out of politics.’ '''All issues are political issues, and [[politics]] itself is a mass of [[lies]], evasions, [[folly]], [[hatred]], and schizophrenia.''' When the general atmosphere is bad, language must suffer. I should expect to find — this is a guess which I have not sufficient knowledge to verify — that the German, Russian and Italian languages have all deteriorated in the last ten or fifteen years, as a result of dictatorship. &lt;br&gt; '''But if [[thought]] corrupts [[language]], language can also corrupt thought. A bad usage can spread by tradition and imitation even among people who should and do know better.'''
* '''Orthodoxy, of whatever colour, seems to demand a lifeless, imitative style.''' 
* '''Political language — and with variations this is true of all political parties, from [[Conservatives]] to [[Anarchists]] — is designed to make lies sound truthful and [[murder]] respectable, and to give an [[appearance]] of solidity to pure [[wind]].'''
* '''Never use a [[metaphor]], simile, or other figure of [[speech]] which you are used to seeing in print. Never use a long word where a short one will do.''' If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out. Never use the passive voice where you can use the active. Never use a foreign phrase, a scientific word, or a jargon word if you can think of an everyday English equivalent. '''Break any of these rules sooner than say anything outright barbarous.'''
* One can cure oneself of the ''not un-'' formation by memorizing this sentence: ''A not unblack dog was chasing a not unsmall rabbit across a not ungreen field''.
** footnote 3

=== [[w:Reflections on Gandhi|Reflections on Gandhi]] (1949) ===
[[File:Gandhi_smiling_1942.jpg|right|thumb|It is difficult to see how [[Mahatma Gandhi|Gandhi]]'s methods could be applied in a country where opponents of the regime disappear in the middle of the [[night]] and are never heard of again. Without a [[free press]] and the right of assembly, it is impossible not merely to appeal to outside [[opinion]], but to bring a mass movement into being, or even to make your intentions known to your adversary.]]
: &lt;small&gt;&quot;Reflections on [[Mahatma Gandhi|Gandhi]]&quot;, in ''Partisan Review'' (January 1949) - [http://www.k-1.com/Orwell/site/work/essays/ghandi.html Full text online]&lt;/small&gt;

* '''[[Saints]] should always be judged [[guilty]] until they are proved [[innocent]], but the [[tests]] that have to be applied to them are not, of course, the same in all cases.''' In  [[Mahatma Gandhi|Gandhi's]] case the questions one feels inclined to ask are: to what extent was Gandhi moved by [[vanity]] — by the consciousness of himself as a humble, naked old man, sitting on a praying mat and shaking empires by sheer [[spiritual]] [[power]] — and to what extent did he compromise his own [[principles]] by entering [[politics]], which of their [[nature]] are inseparable from coercion and fraud? To give a definite answer one would have to study Gandhi's [[Action|acts]] and [[writings]] in immense detail, for his whole life was a sort of pilgrimage in which every act was significant.

* At about the time when the autobiography first appeared I remember reading its opening chapters in the ill-printed pages of some Indian newspaper. They made a good impression on me, which Gandhi himself at that time did not.

* '''Strictly speaking, as a Nationalist, he was an enemy, but since in every crisis he would exert himself to prevent [[violence]] — which, from the British point of view, meant preventing any effective action whatever — he could be regarded as &quot;our man.&quot; In private this was sometimes cynically admitted.''' The attitude of the Indian millionaires was similar. Gandhi called upon them to repent, and naturally they preferred him to the [[Socialists]] and [[Communists]] who, given the [[chance]], would actually have taken their [[money]] away. How reliable such calculations are in the long run is doubtful; as Gandhi himself says, &quot;in the [[end]] deceivers deceive only themselves&quot;; but at any rate the gentleness with which he was nearly always handled was due partly to the feeling that he was useful.

* '''I could see even then that the British officials who spoke of him with a mixture of [[amusement]] and disapproval also genuinely liked and admired him, after a fashion. Nobody ever suggested that he was [[corrupt]], or ambitious in any vulgar way, or that anything he did was actuated by [[fear]] or [[malice]].''' In judging a man like Gandhi one seems instinctively to apply high standards, so that some of his [[virtues]] have passed almost unnoticed. For instance, it is clear even from the autobiography that his natural physical [[courage]] was quite outstanding: the manner of his [[death]] was a later illustration of this, for a public man who attached any value to his own skin would have been more adequately guarded. Again, he seems to have been quite free from that maniacal [[suspiciousness]] which, as [[E. M. Forster]] rightly says in ''A Passage to India'', is the besetting Indian vice, as [[hypocrisy]] is the British vice. '''Although no [[doubt]] he was shrewd enough in detecting dishonesty, he seems wherever possible to have believed that other people were acting in good [[faith]] and had a better [[nature]] through which they could be approached.'''

* Of late years it has been the fashion to talk about Gandhi as though he were not only sympathetic to the Western Left-wing movement, but were integrally part of it. [[Anarchists]] and [[pacifists]], in particular, have claimed him for their own, noticing only that he was opposed to centralism and State violence and ignoring the other-worldly, anti-humanist tendency of his doctrines.

* The essence of being [[human]] is that one does not seek [[perfection]], that one is sometimes willing to commit [[sins]] for the sake of [[loyalty]], that one does not push [[asceticism]] to the point where it makes friendly intercourse impossible, and that one is prepared in the end to be defeated and broken up by [[life]], which is the inevitable price of fastening one's [[love]] upon other human individuals.

* '''It is difficult to see how Gandhi's methods could be applied in a country where opponents of the regime disappear in the middle of the [[night]] and are never heard of again. Without a [[free press]] and the right of assembly, it is impossible not merely to appeal to outside opinion, but to bring a mass movement into being, or even to make your intentions known to your adversary.'''

* '''One feels of him that there was much he did not [[understand]], but not that there was anything that he was frightened of saying or thinking.''' I have never been able to feel much liking for Gandhi, but I do not feel sure that as a political thinker he was [[wrong]] in the main, nor do I believe that his life was a [[failure]]. ... One may feel, as I do, a sort of aesthetic distaste for Gandhi, one may reject the claims of sainthood made on his behalf (he never made any such claim himself, by the way), one may also reject sainthood as an ideal and therefore feel that Gandhi's basic aims were anti-human and reactionary: but '''regarded simply as a politician, and compared with the other leading political figures of our time, how clean a smell he has managed to leave behind!'''

{{Disputed begin}}

== Disputed ==
* '''Within any important issue, there are always aspects no one wishes to discuss.'''
** Attributed to Orwell in ''State of Fear'' (2004) by [[Michael Crichton]], and ''Picking Fights with Thunderstorms'' (2005) by Sheila Suess Kennedy

* '''In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act.'''
** No source for this quote among Orwell's writings has yet been located, and the earliest published source of this phrase found on Google Books is [https://books.google.com.mx/books?id=kWD0AAAAMAAJ&amp;q=%22truth+is+a+revolutionary+act%22&amp;dq=%22truth+is+a+revolutionary+act%22&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwjs0MKSqpbKAhWH0iYKHXj6ABUQ6AEIJjAD this snippet] from p. 5 of ''Science Dimension, Volumes 14–18'' (1982) published by the National Research Council Canada. Quote Investigator has an article [http://quoteinvestigator.com/2013/02/24/truth-revolutionary/ &quot;In a Time of Universal Deceit&amp;nbsp;– Telling the Truth Is a Revolutionary Act&quot;] indicating their attempts to trace the quote. The earliest similar remarks they had found were in a 1982 book titled “Partners in Ecocide: Australia’s Complicity in the Uranium Cartel” by Venturino Giorgio Venturini, where the word “universal” was omitted, and a specific originating text was not identified: &quot;'''In a time of deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act.'''&quot;
** Variants: 
*** During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act.
*** In an age of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act.
*** In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act.
*** Speaking the Truth in times of universal deceit is a revolutionary act.
***Truth is treason in an empire of lies. (Often attributed by Ron Paul to Orwell but never sourced.)
**In the mid-19th century [[Karl Georg von Raumer]] made a remark, which has a similar meaning. In ''Geschichte der Pedagogic'' (1855), he states: 'Jede keimende Wahrheit ist revolutionär gegen den entgegenstehenden herrschenden Irrthum, jede keimende Tugend revolutionär gegen das im Schwange gehende, ihr widersprechende Laster' which translates as: &quot;'''Every germinating truth is revolutionary against the opposing ruling error, every germinating virtue is revolutionary against popular contradictory lies.'''&quot;
**In 1898 French socialist Jean Jaurès said, &quot;'''When a society, when an institution, lives only by lies, truth is revolutionary'''.&quot; He was speaking with reference to the ongoing Dreyfus Affair. The statement is quoted in Ruth Harris, ''The Man on Devil's Island: Alfred Dreyfus and the Affair that Divided France'' (2010), p. 262. (She cites ''Le petit Meridional'', 3 July 1898, as the original source.) This seems very close in spirit and in phrasing to the pseudo-Orwell quotation. (The cumulative index to the many volumes of Orwell's writing compiled and edited by Peter Davison does not reveal any direct references to Jaurès or the Dreyfus Affair.)

* '''If people cannot write well, they cannot think well, and if they cannot think well, others will do their thinking for them.'''
** Attributed to Orwell by John H. Bunzel, president of San Jose State University, as reported in Phyllis Schlafly, ''The Power of the Positive Woman'' (1977), p. 151&lt;!-- Bunzel's attribution is also quoted in ''The Presbyterian Journal'', Volume 35 (1976), p. 55, but GoogleBooks only has a snippet --&gt;; but not found in Orwell's works or in reports contemporaneous with his life. Possibly a paraphrase of Orwell's description of the rationale behind Newspeak in ''1984''.

{{Disputed end}}
{{Misattributed begin}}

== Misattributed ==

* '''We sleep peaceably in our beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on our behalf.'''
** This has commonly been attributed to Orwell but has not been found in any of his writings. [http://quoteinvestigator.com/2011/11/07/rough-men/ Quote Investigator] found the earliest known appearance in a 1993 Washington Times essay by Richard Grenier: &quot;As George Orwell pointed out, people sleep peacefully in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf.&quot; The absence of quotation marks indicates Grenier was using his own words to convey Orwell's opinion; thus it may have originated as a paraphrase of his statement in ''Notes on Nationalism'' (May 1945): &quot;'''Those who 'abjure' violence can only do so because others are committing violence on their behalf.'''&quot; There are also similar sentiments expressed in an essay which Orwell wrote on [[Rudyard Kipling]], quoting from one of Kipling's poems: &quot;Yes, making mock o' uniforms that guard you while you sleep.&quot; In the same essay Orwell also wrote of Kipling: &quot;He sees clearly that men can only be highly civilized while other men, inevitably less civilized, are there to guard and feed them.&quot;

* '''It's not a matter of whether the war is not real, or if it is, Victory is not possible. The war is not meant to be won, it is meant to be continuous. Hierarchical society is only possible on the basis of poverty and ignorance. This new version is the past and no different past can ever have existed. In principle the war effort is always planned to keep society on the brink of starvation. The war is waged by the ruling group against its own subjects and its object is not the victory over either Eurasia or East Asia but to keep the very structure of society intact.'''
** [[Michael Moore]] declares these lines in his film [[Fahrenheit 9/11]], preceding them with the words &quot;George Orwell once wrote that&quot;. They are nearly identical to a block of voiceover in the [[Nineteen_Eighty-Four_(film)#Winston_Smith|1984 Richard Burton/John Hurt movie version of ''1984'']] when Winston (Hurt) is silently reading Goldstein's book. All of the lines are excerpts from various parts of Goldstein's book in part 2, chapter 9 of the novel with some paraphrasing. Note that the fourth sentence begins with &quot;This new version&quot;. In Moore's speech there is no antecedent for this phrase; consequently, the sentence makes no sense in that context. [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1SVrM2Ef81C7EUSTm4zsgjQk9mgMSeFUnlEvtleR2V1w/edit?usp=sharing] [http://metabunk.org/threads/debunked-war-is-not-meant-to-be-won-it-is-meant-to-be-continuous.1259/]

* '''To enforce the lies of the present, it is necessary to erase the truths of the past.'''
** Attributed to Orwell by [[Keith Olbermann]] on MSNBC (27 September 2006), this seems to be a paraphrase of [[Nineteen_Eighty-Four#Chapter_3|some of the statements]] in ''[[Nineteen Eighty-Four]]''.

* '''We have a hunger for something like authenticity, but are easily satisfied by an ersatz facsimile.'''
** Actually a statement by Miles Orvell, in ''The Real Thing: Imitation and Authenticity in American Culture, 1880–1940'' (1989)

* '''There are some ideas so absurd that only an intellectual could believe them.'''
** Possibly a paraphrase of Bertrand Russell in [[Bertrand_Russell#My_Philosophical_Development_.281959.29|''My Philosophical Development'' (1959)]]: &quot;This is one of those views which are so absurd that only very learned men could possibly adopt them.&quot; It is similar in meaning to Orwell's line from ''Notes on Nationalism'' (1945): &quot;One has to belong to the intelligentsia to believe things like that: no ordinary man could be such a fool.&quot; However, Russell was commenting not on politics, as Orwell was, but on some philosophers and their ideas about language.

* '''The further a society drifts from truth, the more it will hate those who speak it.'''
** This has been attributed to Orwell on the internet, but the earliest source citing him as author appears to be a [http://www.realistnews.net/Thread-realist-news-was-the-capital-gains-tax-just-removed-regarding-bullion post from Jsnip4 on the RealistNews.net forum (15 February 2011)]. Prior to this, the statement occurred, without attribution to Orwell, in an [http://www.renewamerica.com/columns/duke/090506 opinion piece by columnist Selwyn Duke], [https://web.archive.org/web/20150701002957/http://www.conservativecrusader.com/articles/stopping-truth-at-the-border-banning-michael-savage-from-britain &quot;Stopping Truth At The Border: Banning Michael Savage From Britain&quot; (6 May 2009)].

{{Misattributed end}}

== Quotes about Orwell ==
[[File:Barnhill (Cnoc an t-Sabhail) - geograph.org.uk - 451643.jpg|thumb|right|His personal [[life]] — what we glimpse of it — even when he was fairly affluent seems to have been an illustrated lesson in [[survival]] techniques under extreme conditions, as though he expected to be cast adrift in a capsule. ~ [[Mary McCarthy]] ]]
:&lt;small&gt;Alphabetized by author &lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Bandera CNT-FAI.svg|thumb|right|George Orwell was the wintry [[conscience]] of a generation which in the thirties had heard the call of the rasher assumptions of political [[faith]]. ~ [[V. S. Pritchett]] ]]
[[File:Anti-dictatures2.svg|thumb|right|Orwell in 1948 understood that despite the Axis defeat, the will to [[fascism]] had not gone away, that far from having seen its day it had perhaps not yet even come into its own… ~ [[Thomas Pynchon]] ]]
[[File:Coalition of the Willing, To Power.svg|thumb|right|What he feared most was the blind spot between us and the [[future]], the space between identities where we could get lost forever. ~  [[Wilfrid Sheed]] ]]
[[File:George Orwell.jpg|thumb|right| Orwell can only be understood as an essentially quixotic man. … He defended, passionately and as a matter of [[principle]], unpopular causes. … His was the isolation of every man who seeks the [[truth]] diligently, no matter how unpleasant its implications may be to others or even to himself. ~  [[George Woodcock]] ]]

* '''Viva [[Buenaventura Durruti |Durruti]] y Orwell'''
** Anonymous graffiti on a monument to the [[w:Abraham Lincoln Brigade|Abraham Lincoln Brigade]], as reported in [http://www.indybay.org/newsitems/2008/07/29/18520914.php &quot;A Monument for the Abraham Lincoln Brigade Vandalized&quot; in ''Indy Bay'' (29 July 2008)]

* I often feel I will never pick up a book by Orwell again until I have read a frank discussion of the dishonesty and hysteria that mar some of his best work.
** [[Kingsley Amis]], ''What Became of Jane Austen?, and Other Questions''. 1970.

* '''He could not blow his nose without moralising on conditions in the handkerchief industry.''' This habit of mind informed everything he wrote. ''[[Animal Farm]]'' and ''[[Nineteen Eighty-Four|1984]]'' are political novels, ''Homage to Catalonia'', ''[[The Road to Wigan Pier]]'' and all his essays ask a ''cui bono'' and try to unseat the profit-makers, whoever they be. '''This ruling purpose is the secret of his best writing but far too evident in his worst.''' If we look dispassionately at his achievement, we notice the enormous preponderance of journalism in these four volumes.
** [[Cyril Connolly]], ''The Evening Colonnade'' (1973), in John Rodden, ''Every Intellectual's Big Brother: George Orwell's Literary Siblings'' (2006)

* What struck me in Orwell was his lack of historical sense and of psychological insight into political life, coupled with an acute, though narrow, penetration into some aspects of politics, and with an incorruptible firmness of opinion.
** [[Isaac Deutscher]], in &quot;''1984'' —The Mysticism of Cruelty&quot; in ''Heretics and Renegades'' (1955)

* '''Toward the end of his life he did ... become a kind of [[w:Tory|Tory]] [[Anarchism|anarchist]] — as he once described himself ... or even Tory socialist, someone, that is, who, though without exercising double-think, managed to fuse conservative ideas (about patriotism, for example) with radical ones (about the equitable distribution of wealth, for example).'''
** Peter Edgerly Firchow, in ''Modern Utopian Fictions from H.G. Wells to Iris Murdoch'' (2007), p. 106

* '''The [[w:Spanish Civil War|Spanish Civil War]] shaped the political consciousness of a whole generation, which overwhelmingly saw it as representing heroic resistance to [[Fascism]]. '''[[Emma Goldman|Goldman]] and [[J. C. Powys]] did not belong to that generation – they belonged to the generation of its parents or, even, grandparents. '''And rather than resistance to Fascism, it was the social achievements of the Spanish Revolution that inspired them. In that they stand alone, among figures of the front rank, with [[Herbert Read|Read]] and Orwell (and it will be seen how he and ''[[Homage to Catalonia]]'' fared, on the left at least, his reputation only taking off when ''[[Animal Farm]]'' and ''[[Nineteen Eighty-Four]]'' were taken up as being anti-Soviet at the onset of the Cold War).'''
** [[w:David Goodway|David Goodway]], in ''Anarchist Seeds beneath the Snow'' (2006), p. 129
* For most of us the image of [[Tony Judt|Tony]] is dominated by the boundless admiration we feel for the way he confronted his death. There was a Roman grandeur about his refusal to concede to the inevitable that recalls memories of classical eulogies. It was not just the decision to carry on the chess game to mate, but the decision to provoke death by demonstrating his full abilities as a grandmaster, doomed but never defeated. It is a moving image, but we must abandon it: encouraging mythopoeia is not for historians. Tony has been presented as another George Orwell. This is wrong, because while both were enormously gifted and profoundly polemical, they were very different. Tony lacked Orwell's combination of prejudices, forward and backward-looking Old Testament prophecy and imaginative denunciation – he could never have written ''1984'' or ''Animal Farm''. And Orwell, the more powerful writer, had neither Tony's remarkable range of knowledge, nor his wit, intellectual speed and manoeuvrability: there is no way he could have doubled as an academic. But the comparison with Orwell is also dangerous because essentially it is not about two writers but about a political era that should now be over for good, the Cold War. Orwell's reputation was constructed as an intellectual anti-Soviet missile site and even today, when the rest of Orwell has emerged or re-emerged, it still remains frozen in the 1950s. Tony was, of course, as anti-Stalinist as anyone, and bitterly critical of those who did not abjure the CP even when they were demonstrably not Stalinists and were, like myself, slowly edging clear of the original world hope of October 1917. Like those opposed to the performing of Wagner in Israel, he could let political dislike get in the way of aesthetic enjoyment, dismissing Brecht's poem about the Comintern cadres, ‘An die Nachgeborenen''’'', ‘admired by so many’, as ‘obnoxious’ not on literary grounds, but because it inspired believers in an evil cause. Yet it is evident from ''Thinking the 20th Century'' that his basic concern during the acute phase of the Cold War was not the Russian threat to the ‘free world’ but the arguments within the left.​ Marx – not Stalin and the Gulag – was his subject. True, after 1968 he became much more of a militant oppositionist liberal over Eastern Europe, an admirer of the mixed but more usually right-wing academic tourists who provided much of our commentary on the end of the East European Communist regimes. This also led him and others who should have known better into creating the fairy tale of the Velvet and multicoloured revolutions of 1989 and after. There were no such revolutions, only different reactions to the Soviet decision to pull out. The real heroes of the period were Gorbachev, who destroyed the USSR, and men within the old system like Suárez in Franco’s Spain and Jaruzelski in Poland, who effectively ensured a peaceful transition and were execrated by both sides. Indeed, in the 1980s Tony’s essentially social-democratic liberalism was briefly infected by François Furet’s Hayekian economic libertarianism. I don’t think this late Cold War afterglow was central to Tony’s development, but it helped to give more body and depth to his very impressive ''Postwar''.
**[[Eric Hobsbawm]], &quot;After the Cold War&quot;, ''London Review of Books'' (2012)

* '''The word ‘Orwellian’ is a daunting example of the fate that a distinguished writer can suffer at the hands of journalists.''' When, as almost invariably happens, a totalitarian set-up, whether in fact or in fantasy – in [[Brazil]] or in ''[[Brazil (film)|Brazil]]'' – is called Orwellian, it is as if George Orwell had conceived the nightmare instead of analysed it, helped to create it instead of helping to dispel its euphemistic thrall. (Similarly [[Kafka]], through the word Kafkaesque, gets the dubious credit for having somehow wished into existence the same sort of bureaucratic labyrinth that convulsed him to the heart.) Such distortions would be enough to make us give up on journalism altogether if we happened to forget that Orwell himself was a journalist.
**[[Clive James]], in [http://www.clivejames.com/evenaswespeak/orwell &quot;The All of Orwell&quot;] in ''The New Yorker'' (18 January 1999), reprinted in ''Even As We Speak'' (2001), p. 12

* Two of Orwell's best attributes operating at once: '''he had a global grasp, and he was able to guess the truth by the way the other side told lies.'''
**[[Clive James]], in &quot;The All of Orwell&quot; in ''The New Yorker'' (18 January 1999), reprinted in ''Even As We Speak'' (2001), p. 12

* Orwell served in a low-level but locally senior administrative capacity for the Burma imperial police from 1924 to 1927. Reading him, one never feels that he developed much of an interest in the Empire per se; his writings from those years suggest the emergence of a set of moral and political considerations—deriving to be sure from his criticisms of Imperial rule—which will in the fullness of time permeate his observations on England itself. Orwell's awareness that the Burmese (or Indian) question transcended issues of local injustice and concerned above all the impropriety and impossibility of imperial domination, would certainly color his political stance back home.&lt;br&gt;It seems fair to add that Orwell was one of the first commentators to grasp that issues of justice and subordination, no less than the traditional themes of class and politics, must be taken up by the Left—indeed, they were henceforth part of what it meant to be Left. We forget that well into the interwar decades it had been perfectly possible to combine social reformism and even political radicalism at home with liberal imperialism. Until quite recently it had been possible to believe that the key to social improvement in Britain lay in retaining, defending and even expanding the empire. By the 1930s, this position had begun to sound ethically as well as politically incoherent, and Orwell can take some credit for this shift in sensibilities.
** [[Tony Judt]], in Tony Judt and Timothy Snyder, ''Thinking the twentieth century'' (2012), Ch. 2: London and Language: English Writer

* '''Blair's personal life and Orwell's public activity both reflected one powerfully single-minded personality. Blair-Orwell was made of one piece''': a recurrent theme in the testimonies of all those who knew him at close range was his &quot;terrible simplicity.&quot; He had the &quot;innocence of a savage.&quot; ... '''Orwell once defined himself half in jest — but only half — as a &quot;Tory Anarchist.&quot; '''Indeed, after his first youthful experience in the colonial police in Burma, he only knew that he hated imperialism and all forms of political oppression; all authority appeared suspect to him, even &quot;mere success seemed to me a form of bullying.&quot; Then after his inquiry into workers' conditions in northern industrial England during the Depression he developed a broad nonpartisan commitment to “socialism”: “socialism does mean justice and liberty when the nonsense is stripped off it.” The decisive turning point in his political evolution took place in Spain, where he volunteered to fight fascism. First he was nearly killed by a fascist bullet and then narrowly escaped being murdered by the [[Joseph Stalin|Stalinist]] secret police:
:: What I saw in Spain, and what I have seen since of the inner workings of left-wing political parties, have given me a horror of politics…. '''I am definitely “left,” but I believe that a writer can only remain honest if he keeps free of party labels.'''
: From then on he considered that the first duty of a socialist is to fight totalitarianism, which means in practice “to denounce the Soviet myth, for there is not much difference between Fascism and Stalinism.”
:* [[w:Pierre Ryckmans|Simon Leys]], in [http://www.nybooks.com/articles/archives/2011/may/26/intimate-orwell/?pagination=false &quot;The Intimate Orwell&quot; in ''''The New York Review of Books'' (26 May 2011)]

* Though he was a strong believer in individual difference and came to fear, above all, the thought that people would become interchangeable parts in a totalitarian system, he seems to have felt that as a subject for study himself he was a universal, ''i.e.,'' a fair sample of his kind, capable of normative reactions under dissection. His end has something macabre in it, like the end of some Victorian pathologist who tested his theories on his own organs, neglecting asepsis. In his last letters, he speaks of his appearance as being &quot;frightening,&quot; of being a &quot;death's head,&quot; but all along he has been something of a specter at the feast. '''He was prone to see the handwriting on the wall, for England, for socialism, for personal liberty; indeed, his work is one insistent ''reminder,'' and his personal life — what we glimpse of it — even when he was fairly affluent seems to have been an illustrated lesson in survival techniques under extreme conditions, as though he expected to be cast adrift in a capsule.'''
** [[Mary McCarthy]], &quot;The Writing on the Wall,&quot; (1969) ''The Writing on the Wall and Other Literary Essays'' &lt;small&gt;(Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, 1970, {{ISBN|0-15-698390-7}}), p. 159&lt;/small&gt;

* Although he was always critical of the 1945-51 Labour government's moderation, his support for it began to pull him to the right politically. This did not lead him to embrace conservatism, imperialism or reaction, but to defend, albeit critically, Labour reformism. &lt;br&gt; '''The other crucial dimension to Orwell's socialism was his recognition that the Soviet Union was not socialist.''' Unlike many on the left, instead of abandoning socialism once he discovered the full horror of Stalinist rule in the Soviet Union, Orwell abandoned the Soviet Union and instead remained a socialist — indeed he became more committed to the socialist cause than ever.
** [[w:John Newsinger|John Newsinger]], in [http://pubs.socialistreviewindex.org.uk/isj62/newsinger.htm &quot;Orwell and the Spanish Revolution&quot; in ''International Socialism Journal'', No. 62 (Spring 1994)]

* '''Old George Orwell got it backward. Big Brother isn't watching. He's singing and dancing.''' He's pulling rabbits out of a hat. Big Brother's holding your attention every moment you're awake. He's making sure you're always distracted. He's making sure you're fully absorbed... and this [act of] being fed, it's worse than being watched. With the world always filling you, no one has to worry about what's in your mind. '''With everyone's imagination atrophied, no one will ever be a threat to the world.'''
** [[Chuck Palahniuk]], ''[[Lullaby (novel)|Lullaby]]'' (2002)

* '''There was something about him, the proud man apart, the Don Quixote on a bicycle (and if Saint [[Thomas More]] was the first Englisman, as one historian called him, then Orwell was perhaps the last) that caught one's imagination right away.''' That made one think of a knight errant and of social justice as the Holy Grail. '''One felt safe with him; he was so intellectually honest. His mind was like a court where the judge was the lawyer for the defence.'''
** Paul Potts, ''London Magazine'' (March 1957)

* '''George Orwell was the wintry conscience of a generation which in the thirties had heard the call of the rasher assumptions of political faith.''' He was a kind of saint and, in that character, more likely in politics to chastise his own side than the enemy.
** [[V. S. Pritchett]], in ''New Statesman'' (1950) 

* '''Orwell in 1948 understood that despite the Axis defeat, the will to fascism had not gone away, that far from having seen its day it had perhaps not yet even come into its own — the corruption of spirit, the irresistible human addiction to power were already long in place, all well-known aspects of the Third Reich and Stalin's USSR, even the British Labour party — like first drafts of a terrible future.'''
** [[Thomas Pynchon]], &quot;The Road to 1984&quot; - foreword to a 2003 edition of ''[[Nineteen Eighty-Four]]'' {{ISBN|0452284236}}

* In Burma and [[Paris]] and [[London]] and on the road to Wigan pier, and in Spain, being shot at, and eventually wounded, by fascists — he had invested blood, pain and hard labour to earn his anger, and was as attached to it as any capitalist to his capital. It may be an affliction peculiar to writers more than others, this fear of getting too comfortable, of being bought off.
** [[Thomas Pynchon]], &quot;The Road to 1984&quot; - foreword to a 2003 edition of ''Nineteen Eighty-Four'' {{ISBN|0452284236}}

* The question remains, why end a novel as passionate, violent and dark as this one with what appears to be a scholarly appendix? &lt;br&gt; The answer may lie in simple grammar. '''From its first sentence, &quot;The Principles of Newspeak&quot; is written consistently in the past tense, as if to suggest some later piece of history, post-1984, in which Newspeak has become literally a thing of the past — as if in some way the anonymous author of this piece is by now free to discuss, critically and objectively, the political system of which Newspeak was, in its time, the essence.''' Moreover, it is our own pre-Newspeak English language that is being used to write the essay. Newspeak was supposed to have become general by 2050, and yet it appears that it did not last that long, let alone triumph, that the ancient humanistic ways of thinking inherent in standard English have persisted, survived, and ultimately prevailed, and that perhaps the social and moral order it speaks for has even, somehow, been restored.
** [[Thomas Pynchon]], &quot;The Road to 1984&quot; - foreword to a 2003 edition of ''Nineteen Eighty-Four'' {{ISBN|0452284236}}

* Orwell's defenders always look to contextualize Orwell's shortcomings in a historic moment. Whatever his infraction, he was a victim of circumstance — times were different then, and, for example, [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]] was looking really good for a minute there. Orwell never meant that his books should be employed to stultify schoolchildren. '''And yet that's what ''[[Animal Farm]]'' is — an educational missile aimed at any healthy impulse towards reform.''' The argument that &quot;Animal Farm&quot; is a generalized indictment of totalitarianism is simply unsupportable by the text or any existing presentation of the text. Rather, the intelligence of the pigs as opposed to the stupidity of the other animals, and the ultimate hopelessness of revolution, renders ''Animal Farm'' a ''de facto'' endorsement of the ''status quo''.
** [[John Reed (novelist)|John Reed]], in [http://www.mobylives.com/Orwell_Reed.html &quot;Saint George and the Damn Truth&quot; (10 November 2003)]

* '''What he feared most was the blind spot between us and the future, the space between identities where we could get lost forever.'''
** [[Wilfrid Sheed]], &quot;George Orwell, Artist&quot; (1972), ''The Good Word &amp; Other Words'' &lt;small&gt;(Viking/Penguin, 1980, {{ISBN|0140054979}}), p. 46&lt;/small&gt;

* If we ask what it is he [Orwell] stands for, ... the answer is: the virtue of not being a genius, of fronting the world with nothing more than one's simple, direct, undeceived intelligence, and a respect for the powers one does have. ... He communicates to us the sense that what he has done any one of us could do. Or could do if we but made up our mind to do it, if we but surrendered a little of the can't that comforts us, if for a few weeks we paid no attention to the little group with which we habitually exchange opinions, if we took our chance of being wrong or inadequate, if we looked at things simply and directly, having in mind only our intention of finding out what they really are, not the prestige of our great intellectual act of looking at them. He liberates us. He tells us that we can understand our political and social life merely by looking around us; he frees us from the need for the inside dope. He implies that our job is not to be intellectual, certainly not to be intellectual in this fashion or that, but merely to be intelligent according to our own lights—'''he restores the old sense of the democracy of the mind, releasing us from the belief that the mind can work only in a technical, professional way and that it must work competitively'''. He has the effect of making us believe that we may become full members of the society of thinking men. That is why he is a figure for us.
** [[Lionel Trilling]], &quot;George Orwell and the politics of truth,&quot; ''The Opposing Self'' (1950), pp. 156-158

* '''When I remember George Orwell, I see again the long, lined face that so often reminded me not of a living person, but of a character out of fiction. It was the nearest I had seen in real life to the imagined features of [[w:Don Quixote|Don Quixote]], and the rest of the figure went with the face.''' For Orwell was a thin, angular man, with worn gothic features accentuated by deep vertical furrows that ran down the cheeks and across the corners of the mouth. The thinness of his lips was emphasized by a very narrow line of dark moustache: it seemed a hard, almost cruel mouth, until he smiled, and then an expression of unexpected kindliness would irradiate his whole face. The general gauntness of his looks was accentuated by the deep sockets from which his eyes looked out, always rather sadly. ... '''The resemblance to Don Quixote was appropriate, for in many was Orwell can only be understood as an essentially quixotic man. ... He defended, passionately and as a matter of principle, unpopular causes.''' Often without regard to reason he would strike out against anything which offended his conceptions of right, justice and decency, yet, as many who crossed lances with him had reason to know, he could be a very chivalrous opponent, impelled by a sense of fair play that would lead to public recantation of accusations he had eventually decided were unfair. In his own way he was a man of the left, but he attacked its holy images as fervently as he did those of the right. And however much he might on occasion find himself in uneasy and temporary alliance with others, he was — in the end — as much a man in isolation as Don Quixote. '''His was the isolation of every man who seeks the truth diligently, no matter how unpleasant its implications may be to others or even to himself.'''
** [[George Woodcock]], in ''The Crystal Spirit: A Study of George Orwell'' (1966), Ch. I: The Man I Remembered, p. 3

== See also ==
* [[Alternative media]]
* [[Investigative journalism]]
* [[Mainstream media]]
*''[[Nineteen Eighty-Four]]''
*[[Propaganda]]
* [[Oligarchy]]
* [[Truth]]
* [[Tyranny]]

== External links ==
{{Sister project links|w=George Orwell|wikt=Appendix:George Orwell|d=Q3335|commons=Category:George Orwell|b=no|n=no|s=Author:George Orwell|v=no|species=no}}

*[http://opendirectoryproject.org/Arts/Literature/Authors/O/Orwell%2C_George/ Directory] of links from ODP
*[http://www.kirjasto.sci.fi/gorwell.htm Brief bio] at Pegasos (Kirjasto.sci.fi.)
*[http://www.spartacus.schoolnet.co.uk/Jorwell.htm Orwell] at Spartacus.schoolnet
*[http://www.ottosell.de/pynchon/orwell.htm George Orwell Islington 1946] - photo, with his son.
*[http://www.netcharles.com/orwell/novels.htm Novels of Orwell online]
*[http://www.k-1.com/Orwell Orwell Site on k-1.com]
*[http://www.online-literature.com/orwell/1984/ 1984: Online Edition]
*[http://t.webring.com/hub?ring=orwellwebring Orwell Web Ring]
*[https://www.firstinspire.com/powerful-george-orwell-quotes/ George Orwell words of wisdom]
*[http://neilgaimanboard.com/eve/ubb.x/a/tpc/f/963601826/m/1566052013 Foreword] by [[Thomas Pynchon]] to the 2003 edition of ''[[w:Nineteen-eighty-four|1984]]''
*[http://www.arena.org.au/Archives/Mag%20Archive/Issue%2066/features_66.htm &quot;Orwell, Whose Orwell?&quot; by Guy Rundle] in ''Arena'' magazine (August-September 2003)
*[http://benedictcooper.co.uk/drifting-from-the-truth-debunking-fake-orwell-quotes/ &quot;Drifting from the truth: debunking fake Orwell quotes&quot;] by Benedict Cooper (publicity officer of The Orwell Society) 30 March 2022

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      <sha1>ixlutsxab9s380l38t7n462bsog2sma</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147629</id>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-26T18:41:49Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Finish vfd noms</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="5597" xml:space="preserve">{{/header}}

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{{Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Closed and Template:Reopen}}</text>
      <sha1>cgcl1vtnnice885ymqmwsgx36v7budo</sha1>
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  <page>
    <title>Finding Nemo</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>966</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147679</id>
      <parentid>3144932</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T19:42:23Z</timestamp>
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      <text bytes="8520" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Finding Nemo|Finding Nemo]]''''' is a 2003 American computer-animated film produced by [[w:Pixar|Pixar Animation Studios]] for [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]] on May 30, 2003. It tells the story of the overly protective [[w:clownfish|clownfish]] Marlin, voiced by [[w:Albert Brooks|Albert Brooks]], who along with a [[w:Paracanthurus hepatus|regal tang]] named Dory, voiced by [[Ellen DeGeneres]], searches for his son Nemo, voiced by [[w:Alexander Gould|Alexander Gould]]. Along the way he learns to take risks and that his son is capable of taking care of himself.
:''Directed by [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]] and [[w:Lee Unkrich|Lee Unkrich]]. Story and Screenplay by [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]].''
{{center|'''There Are 3.7 Trillion Fish In The Ocean. They're Looking For One.'''}}

== Dialogue ==
:'''Bruce''': Fish are friends, not food.
:'''Anchor''': Except stinkin' dolphins.
:'''Chum''': Dolphins! Yeah, they think they're so cute! ''[mocks a dolphin]'' &quot;Oh, look at me, I'm a flippy little dolphin, let me flip for you! Ain't I something?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Chum''': I don't get it.  '''Bruce''': For a clownfish, he's not that funny. '''Marlin''': No, no, no, he's my son. He was taken by these divers.
:'''Dory''': Oh, you poor fishes...
:'''Chum''': Humans! Think they own everything.
:'''Anchor''': Probably American!
:'''Bruce''': Now, there is a father looking for his little boy.  '''Marlin''': What do these markings mean?   '''Bruce''': I never knew my father!  '''Anchor''': Come on, group hug. We're all still here mate.
:'''Marlin''': I can't read human.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dory''': Whoa. Nice trench. ''[echoing]'' Hello! Okay, let's go.
:'''Marlin''': Bad trench, bad trench. Come on, we're going to swim over this thing. ''[starts to swim over]''
:'''Dory''': Whoa, whoa, partner. Little red flag going up. Something's telling me we should swim through it, not over it.
:'''Marlin''': ''[comes back]'' Are you looking at this thing? It's got death all over it!
:'''Dory''': I'm sorry. But I really, really, really think we should swim through.
:'''Marlin''': And I am really, really done talking about this! Over we go!
:'''Dory''': Come on, trust me on this.
:'''Marlin''': Trust you?
:'''Dory''': Yes, trust. It's what friends do.
:'''Marlin''': ...Look, something's shiny!
:'''Dory''': Where?!
:'''Marlin''': Oh, it just swam over the trench! Come on, follow me.
:'''Dory''': Okay!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dory''': How about we play a game? 
:'''Marlin''': All right. 
:'''Dory''': Okay, I'm thinking of something orange, and small... 
:'''Marlin''': It's me. 
:'''Dory''': Right! ''[later]'' I'm thinking of something orange and small...
:'''Marlin''': It's me.
:'''Dory''': All right, Mr. Smarty-pants... ''[later still]'' It's orange and small, and white stripes...
:'''Marlin''': Me, and the next one's just a guess, me.
:'''Dory''': Okay, that's just scary.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dory''': ''[swims upside down]'' C'mon! You gotta try this!
:'''Marlin''': Will you just stop it?!
:'''Dory''': Why? What's wrong?
:'''Marlin''': We're in a whale, don't you get it?!
:'''Dory''': A whale?
:'''Marlin''': A whale!! Because you asked for help, and now we're stuck here!
:'''Dory''': ''[looks around her]'' Wow. A whale. You know, I speak whale--
:'''Marlin''': No, you're insane! You can't speak whale! I have to get out! ''[bumps into the whale's baleen]'' I have to find my son! ''[bumps again]'' I have to tell him... ''[bumps repeatedly]'' ...how, old, sea, turtles, are!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Marlin''': But, but, dude. How do you know when they're ready?
:'''Crush''': Well, you never really know, you know, but when they know, you'll know, ya know?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dory''': Have you seen an orange fish swim by? It looks just like them. ''[points at Nemo]''
:'''Nemo''': But bigger!
:'''Crab''': Yeah, I saw him, Bluey. But I'm not telling you where he went, and there's no way you're gonna make me!
:''[Dory glares at the crab, then holds him out of water for the seagulls to see]''
:'''Seagull''': Mine!
:'''Crab''': All right, all right! I'll talk, I'll talk! He went to the fishing grounds!
:'''Seagulls''': Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[hundreds of seagulls surround Marlin and Dory]''
:'''Seagull''': Mine.
:'''Nigel''': ''[quiet and controlled]'' Okay. Don't make any sudden moves. Hop inside my mouth, if you want to live.
:'''Marlin''': &quot;Hop in your mouth,&quot; huh? And how does that make me live?
:'''Seagull''': Mine?
:'''Nigel''': Because I can take you to your son.
:'''Marlin''': Yeah, right.
:'''Nigel''': No. I know your son. He's small and orange, he has a gimpy fin on one side.
:'''Marlin''': That's Nemo!
:''[the seagulls suddenly attack]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bloat''': Nemo, newcomer of orange and white, you have been called forth to the top of Mount Wannahockaloogie to join with us, in the fraternal bonds... of tankhood.
:'''Nemo''': Huh?
:'''Peach''': We want you in our club, kid.
:'''Nemo''': Really?
:'''Bloat''': If you are able to swim through, the Ring of Fire!!!! ''[nothing happens]'' Turn on the Ring of Fire! The Ring of Fire!
:''[Jacques suddenly comes to attention]''
:'''Jacques''': Sorry!
:'''Bloat''': You said you could do this!
:''[bubbles explode out of the top of Wannahockaloogie Mountain]''
:'''Bloat''': The Ring of Fire!

== About ''Finding Nemo'' ==

* By far the biggest challenge was getting the water right. Water has always been a Holy Grail for CG animators because it’s not a fixed medium, it’s constantly shifting and changing.
:* [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]] in [http://www.indielondon.co.uk/film/finding_nemo_stanton_unkrich.html &quot;Finding Nemo - An interview with Andrew Stanton and Lee Unkrich&quot;] by Graeme Kay, ''Indie London''.
*  Way back during the first beginnings of [[Toy Story]], believe it or not. I was at an aquarium, and I was new to computer graphics, and I remember just looking at the underwater environment and thinking we could mimic this exactly in computer graphics.
: So that was on the back burner of my brain all through Toy Story and [[A Bug's Life]] and [[Toy Story 2]]. I kept thinking about what story I'd want to tell in an underwater setting, and I remembered this dentist's office that I went to as a kid. It had a tank in the lobby, and I used to think about whether those fish wanted to go home, and what it must be like to be in this tacky little tank with a treasure chest, and a scuba diver. All those kind of things.
:* Andrew Stanton in [http://www.bbc.co.uk/films/2003/09/30/andrew_stanton_lee_unkrich_finding_nemo_interview.shtml &quot;Andrew Stanton Lee Unkrich Finding Nemo Interview&quot;], by Nev Pierce ''BBC'', 09/30/2003.

== Voice cast ==
*[[w:Alexander Gould|Alexander Gould]] - Nemo
*[[w:Albert Brooks|Albert Brooks]] - Marlin
*[[Ellen DeGeneres]] - Dory
*[[Willem Dafoe]] - Gill
*[[Brad Garrett]] - Bloat                                
*[[w:Austin Pendleton|Austin Pendleton]] - Gurgle
*[[w:Stephen Root|Stephen Root]] - Bubbles
*[[w:Vicki Lewis|Vicki Lewis]] - Deb (and &quot;Flo&quot;, Deb's reflection)
*[[w:Joe Ranft|Joe Ranft]] - Jacques
*[[w:Allison Janney|Allison Janney]] - Peach
*[[Geoffrey Rush]] - Nigel
*[[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] - Fish School
*[[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]] - Crush
*[[w:Nicholas Bird|Nicholas Bird]] - Squirt
*[[w:Bob Peterson (filmmaker)|Bob Peterson]] - Mr. Ray
*[[Barry Humphries]] - Bruce
*[[w:Eric Bana|Eric Bana]] - Anchor
*[[w:Bruce Spence|Bruce Spence]] - Chum
*[[w:Jordy Ranft|Jordy Ranft]] - Tad
*[[w:Erica Beck|Erica Beck]] - Pearl
*[[w:Erik Per Sullivan|Erik Per Sullivan]] - Sheldon
*[[w:Bill Hunter (actor)|Bill Hunter]] - Dentist Philip Sherman
*[[w:LuLu Ebeling|LuLu Ebeling]] - Darla Sherman
*[[w:Elizabeth Perkins|Elizabeth Perkins]] - Coral
*[[w:Rove McManus|Rove McManus]] - Crab
*[[w:Carlos Alazraqui|Carlos Alazraqui]] - Phil
*[[w:Phil Proctor|Phil Proctor]] - Bob
*[[w:James Kevin Ward|Jim Ward]] - Ted

==See also==
* [[Finding Dory]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title|0266543}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|finding_nemo}}

[[Category:2003 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Computer-animated films]]
[[Category:Animated adventure films]]
[[Category:Animated comedy films]]
[[Category:Animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Andrew Stanton films]]
[[Category:Lee Unkrich films]]
[[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]]
[[Category:Films about fish]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Andrew Stanton]]</text>
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      <id>3147682</id>
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      <text bytes="8528" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Finding Nemo|Finding Nemo]]''''' is a 2003 American computer-animated film produced by [[w:Pixar|Pixar Animation Studios]] for [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]] on May 30, 2003. It tells the story of the overly protective [[w:clownfish|clownfish]] Marlin, voiced by [[w:Albert Brooks|Albert Brooks]], who along with a [[w:Paracanthurus hepatus|regal tang]] named Dory, voiced by [[Ellen DeGeneres]], searches for his son Nemo, voiced by [[w:Alexander Gould|Alexander Gould]]. Along the way he learns to take risks and that his son is capable of taking care of himself.
:''Directed by [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]] and [[w:Lee Unkrich|Lee Unkrich]]. Story and Screenplay by [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]].''
{{center|'''There Are 3.7 Trillion Fish In The Ocean. They're Looking For One.'''}}

== Dialogue ==
:'''Bruce''': Fish are friends, not food.
:'''Anchor''': Except stinkin' dolphins.
:'''Chum''': Dolphins! Yeah, they think they're so cute! ''[mocks a dolphin]'' &quot;Oh, look at me, I'm a flippy little dolphin, let me flip for you! Ain't I something?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Chum''': I don't get it.  
:'''Bruce''': For a clownfish, he's not that funny. 
:'''Marlin''': No, no, no, he's my son. He was taken by these divers.
:'''Dory''': Oh, you poor fishes...
:'''Chum''': Humans! Think they own everything.
:'''Anchor''': Probably American!
:'''Bruce''': Now, there is a father looking for his little boy.  
:'''Marlin''': What do these markings mean?   '''Bruce''': I never knew my father!  
:'''Anchor''': Come on, group hug. We're all still here mate.
:'''Marlin''': I can't read human.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dory''': Whoa. Nice trench. ''[echoing]'' Hello! Okay, let's go.
:'''Marlin''': Bad trench, bad trench. Come on, we're going to swim over this thing. ''[starts to swim over]''
:'''Dory''': Whoa, whoa, partner. Little red flag going up. Something's telling me we should swim through it, not over it.
:'''Marlin''': ''[comes back]'' Are you looking at this thing? It's got death all over it!
:'''Dory''': I'm sorry. But I really, really, really think we should swim through.
:'''Marlin''': And I am really, really done talking about this! Over we go!
:'''Dory''': Come on, trust me on this.
:'''Marlin''': Trust you?
:'''Dory''': Yes, trust. It's what friends do.
:'''Marlin''': ...Look, something's shiny!
:'''Dory''': Where?!
:'''Marlin''': Oh, it just swam over the trench! Come on, follow me.
:'''Dory''': Okay!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dory''': How about we play a game? 
:'''Marlin''': All right. 
:'''Dory''': Okay, I'm thinking of something orange, and small... 
:'''Marlin''': It's me. 
:'''Dory''': Right! ''[later]'' I'm thinking of something orange and small...
:'''Marlin''': It's me.
:'''Dory''': All right, Mr. Smarty-pants... ''[later still]'' It's orange and small, and white stripes...
:'''Marlin''': Me, and the next one's just a guess, me.
:'''Dory''': Okay, that's just scary.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dory''': ''[swims upside down]'' C'mon! You gotta try this!
:'''Marlin''': Will you just stop it?!
:'''Dory''': Why? What's wrong?
:'''Marlin''': We're in a whale, don't you get it?!
:'''Dory''': A whale?
:'''Marlin''': A whale!! Because you asked for help, and now we're stuck here!
:'''Dory''': ''[looks around her]'' Wow. A whale. You know, I speak whale--
:'''Marlin''': No, you're insane! You can't speak whale! I have to get out! ''[bumps into the whale's baleen]'' I have to find my son! ''[bumps again]'' I have to tell him... ''[bumps repeatedly]'' ...how, old, sea, turtles, are!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Marlin''': But, but, dude. How do you know when they're ready?
:'''Crush''': Well, you never really know, you know, but when they know, you'll know, ya know?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dory''': Have you seen an orange fish swim by? It looks just like them. ''[points at Nemo]''
:'''Nemo''': But bigger!
:'''Crab''': Yeah, I saw him, Bluey. But I'm not telling you where he went, and there's no way you're gonna make me!
:''[Dory glares at the crab, then holds him out of water for the seagulls to see]''
:'''Seagull''': Mine!
:'''Crab''': All right, all right! I'll talk, I'll talk! He went to the fishing grounds!
:'''Seagulls''': Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[hundreds of seagulls surround Marlin and Dory]''
:'''Seagull''': Mine.
:'''Nigel''': ''[quiet and controlled]'' Okay. Don't make any sudden moves. Hop inside my mouth, if you want to live.
:'''Marlin''': &quot;Hop in your mouth,&quot; huh? And how does that make me live?
:'''Seagull''': Mine?
:'''Nigel''': Because I can take you to your son.
:'''Marlin''': Yeah, right.
:'''Nigel''': No. I know your son. He's small and orange, he has a gimpy fin on one side.
:'''Marlin''': That's Nemo!
:''[the seagulls suddenly attack]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bloat''': Nemo, newcomer of orange and white, you have been called forth to the top of Mount Wannahockaloogie to join with us, in the fraternal bonds... of tankhood.
:'''Nemo''': Huh?
:'''Peach''': We want you in our club, kid.
:'''Nemo''': Really?
:'''Bloat''': If you are able to swim through, the Ring of Fire!!!! ''[nothing happens]'' Turn on the Ring of Fire! The Ring of Fire!
:''[Jacques suddenly comes to attention]''
:'''Jacques''': Sorry!
:'''Bloat''': You said you could do this!
:''[bubbles explode out of the top of Wannahockaloogie Mountain]''
:'''Bloat''': The Ring of Fire!

== About ''Finding Nemo'' ==

* By far the biggest challenge was getting the water right. Water has always been a Holy Grail for CG animators because it’s not a fixed medium, it’s constantly shifting and changing.
:* [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]] in [http://www.indielondon.co.uk/film/finding_nemo_stanton_unkrich.html &quot;Finding Nemo - An interview with Andrew Stanton and Lee Unkrich&quot;] by Graeme Kay, ''Indie London''.
*  Way back during the first beginnings of [[Toy Story]], believe it or not. I was at an aquarium, and I was new to computer graphics, and I remember just looking at the underwater environment and thinking we could mimic this exactly in computer graphics.
: So that was on the back burner of my brain all through Toy Story and [[A Bug's Life]] and [[Toy Story 2]]. I kept thinking about what story I'd want to tell in an underwater setting, and I remembered this dentist's office that I went to as a kid. It had a tank in the lobby, and I used to think about whether those fish wanted to go home, and what it must be like to be in this tacky little tank with a treasure chest, and a scuba diver. All those kind of things.
:* Andrew Stanton in [http://www.bbc.co.uk/films/2003/09/30/andrew_stanton_lee_unkrich_finding_nemo_interview.shtml &quot;Andrew Stanton Lee Unkrich Finding Nemo Interview&quot;], by Nev Pierce ''BBC'', 09/30/2003.

== Voice cast ==
*[[w:Alexander Gould|Alexander Gould]] - Nemo
*[[w:Albert Brooks|Albert Brooks]] - Marlin
*[[Ellen DeGeneres]] - Dory
*[[Willem Dafoe]] - Gill
*[[Brad Garrett]] - Bloat                                
*[[w:Austin Pendleton|Austin Pendleton]] - Gurgle
*[[w:Stephen Root|Stephen Root]] - Bubbles
*[[w:Vicki Lewis|Vicki Lewis]] - Deb (and &quot;Flo&quot;, Deb's reflection)
*[[w:Joe Ranft|Joe Ranft]] - Jacques
*[[w:Allison Janney|Allison Janney]] - Peach
*[[Geoffrey Rush]] - Nigel
*[[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] - Fish School
*[[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]] - Crush
*[[w:Nicholas Bird|Nicholas Bird]] - Squirt
*[[w:Bob Peterson (filmmaker)|Bob Peterson]] - Mr. Ray
*[[Barry Humphries]] - Bruce
*[[w:Eric Bana|Eric Bana]] - Anchor
*[[w:Bruce Spence|Bruce Spence]] - Chum
*[[w:Jordy Ranft|Jordy Ranft]] - Tad
*[[w:Erica Beck|Erica Beck]] - Pearl
*[[w:Erik Per Sullivan|Erik Per Sullivan]] - Sheldon
*[[w:Bill Hunter (actor)|Bill Hunter]] - Dentist Philip Sherman
*[[w:LuLu Ebeling|LuLu Ebeling]] - Darla Sherman
*[[w:Elizabeth Perkins|Elizabeth Perkins]] - Coral
*[[w:Rove McManus|Rove McManus]] - Crab
*[[w:Carlos Alazraqui|Carlos Alazraqui]] - Phil
*[[w:Phil Proctor|Phil Proctor]] - Bob
*[[w:James Kevin Ward|Jim Ward]] - Ted

==See also==
* [[Finding Dory]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title|0266543}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|finding_nemo}}

[[Category:2003 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Computer-animated films]]
[[Category:Animated adventure films]]
[[Category:Animated comedy films]]
[[Category:Animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Andrew Stanton films]]
[[Category:Lee Unkrich films]]
[[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]]
[[Category:Films about fish]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Andrew Stanton]]</text>
      <sha1>inc3wawjafvfxuz9w2eugx86aska2vm</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147683</id>
      <parentid>3147682</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T19:44:07Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>205.237.131.3</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="8541" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Finding Nemo|Finding Nemo]]''''' is a 2003 American computer-animated film produced by [[w:Pixar|Pixar Animation Studios]] for [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]] on May 30, 2003. It tells the story of the overly protective [[w:clownfish|clownfish]] Marlin, voiced by [[w:Albert Brooks|Albert Brooks]], who along with a [[w:Paracanthurus hepatus|regal tang]] named Dory, voiced by [[Ellen DeGeneres]], searches for his son Nemo, voiced by [[w:Alexander Gould|Alexander Gould]]. Along the way he learns to take risks and that his son is capable of taking care of himself.
:''Directed by [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]] and [[w:Lee Unkrich|Lee Unkrich]]. Story and Screenplay by [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]].''
{{center|'''There Are 3.7 Trillion Fish In The Ocean. They're Looking For One.'''}}

== Dialogue ==
:'''Bruce''': Fish are friends, not food.
:'''Anchor''': Except stinkin' dolphins.
:'''Chum''': Dolphins! Yeah, they think they're so cute! ''[mocks a dolphin]'' &quot;Oh, look at me, I'm a flippy little dolphin, let me flip for you! Ain't I something?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Chum''': I don't get it.  
:'''Bruce''': For a clownfish, he's not that funny. 
:'''Marlin''': No, no, no, he's my son. He was taken by these divers.
:'''Dory''': Oh, you poor fishes...
:'''Chum''': Humans! Think they own everything.
:'''Anchor''': Probably American!
:'''Bruce''': Now, there is a father looking for his little boy.  
:'''Marlin''': What do these markings mean?   '''Bruce''': I never knew my father!  
:'''Anchor''': Come on, group hug.  '''Chum''': We're all still here mate.
:'''Marlin''': I can't read human.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dory''': Whoa. Nice trench. ''[echoing]'' Hello! Okay, let's go.
:'''Marlin''': Bad trench, bad trench. Come on, we're going to swim over this thing. ''[starts to swim over]''
:'''Dory''': Whoa, whoa, partner. Little red flag going up. Something's telling me we should swim through it, not over it.
:'''Marlin''': ''[comes back]'' Are you looking at this thing? It's got death all over it!
:'''Dory''': I'm sorry. But I really, really, really think we should swim through.
:'''Marlin''': And I am really, really done talking about this! Over we go!
:'''Dory''': Come on, trust me on this.
:'''Marlin''': Trust you?
:'''Dory''': Yes, trust. It's what friends do.
:'''Marlin''': ...Look, something's shiny!
:'''Dory''': Where?!
:'''Marlin''': Oh, it just swam over the trench! Come on, follow me.
:'''Dory''': Okay!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dory''': How about we play a game? 
:'''Marlin''': All right. 
:'''Dory''': Okay, I'm thinking of something orange, and small... 
:'''Marlin''': It's me. 
:'''Dory''': Right! ''[later]'' I'm thinking of something orange and small...
:'''Marlin''': It's me.
:'''Dory''': All right, Mr. Smarty-pants... ''[later still]'' It's orange and small, and white stripes...
:'''Marlin''': Me, and the next one's just a guess, me.
:'''Dory''': Okay, that's just scary.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dory''': ''[swims upside down]'' C'mon! You gotta try this!
:'''Marlin''': Will you just stop it?!
:'''Dory''': Why? What's wrong?
:'''Marlin''': We're in a whale, don't you get it?!
:'''Dory''': A whale?
:'''Marlin''': A whale!! Because you asked for help, and now we're stuck here!
:'''Dory''': ''[looks around her]'' Wow. A whale. You know, I speak whale--
:'''Marlin''': No, you're insane! You can't speak whale! I have to get out! ''[bumps into the whale's baleen]'' I have to find my son! ''[bumps again]'' I have to tell him... ''[bumps repeatedly]'' ...how, old, sea, turtles, are!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Marlin''': But, but, dude. How do you know when they're ready?
:'''Crush''': Well, you never really know, you know, but when they know, you'll know, ya know?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dory''': Have you seen an orange fish swim by? It looks just like them. ''[points at Nemo]''
:'''Nemo''': But bigger!
:'''Crab''': Yeah, I saw him, Bluey. But I'm not telling you where he went, and there's no way you're gonna make me!
:''[Dory glares at the crab, then holds him out of water for the seagulls to see]''
:'''Seagull''': Mine!
:'''Crab''': All right, all right! I'll talk, I'll talk! He went to the fishing grounds!
:'''Seagulls''': Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[hundreds of seagulls surround Marlin and Dory]''
:'''Seagull''': Mine.
:'''Nigel''': ''[quiet and controlled]'' Okay. Don't make any sudden moves. Hop inside my mouth, if you want to live.
:'''Marlin''': &quot;Hop in your mouth,&quot; huh? And how does that make me live?
:'''Seagull''': Mine?
:'''Nigel''': Because I can take you to your son.
:'''Marlin''': Yeah, right.
:'''Nigel''': No. I know your son. He's small and orange, he has a gimpy fin on one side.
:'''Marlin''': That's Nemo!
:''[the seagulls suddenly attack]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bloat''': Nemo, newcomer of orange and white, you have been called forth to the top of Mount Wannahockaloogie to join with us, in the fraternal bonds... of tankhood.
:'''Nemo''': Huh?
:'''Peach''': We want you in our club, kid.
:'''Nemo''': Really?
:'''Bloat''': If you are able to swim through, the Ring of Fire!!!! ''[nothing happens]'' Turn on the Ring of Fire! The Ring of Fire!
:''[Jacques suddenly comes to attention]''
:'''Jacques''': Sorry!
:'''Bloat''': You said you could do this!
:''[bubbles explode out of the top of Wannahockaloogie Mountain]''
:'''Bloat''': The Ring of Fire!

== About ''Finding Nemo'' ==

* By far the biggest challenge was getting the water right. Water has always been a Holy Grail for CG animators because it’s not a fixed medium, it’s constantly shifting and changing.
:* [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]] in [http://www.indielondon.co.uk/film/finding_nemo_stanton_unkrich.html &quot;Finding Nemo - An interview with Andrew Stanton and Lee Unkrich&quot;] by Graeme Kay, ''Indie London''.
*  Way back during the first beginnings of [[Toy Story]], believe it or not. I was at an aquarium, and I was new to computer graphics, and I remember just looking at the underwater environment and thinking we could mimic this exactly in computer graphics.
: So that was on the back burner of my brain all through Toy Story and [[A Bug's Life]] and [[Toy Story 2]]. I kept thinking about what story I'd want to tell in an underwater setting, and I remembered this dentist's office that I went to as a kid. It had a tank in the lobby, and I used to think about whether those fish wanted to go home, and what it must be like to be in this tacky little tank with a treasure chest, and a scuba diver. All those kind of things.
:* Andrew Stanton in [http://www.bbc.co.uk/films/2003/09/30/andrew_stanton_lee_unkrich_finding_nemo_interview.shtml &quot;Andrew Stanton Lee Unkrich Finding Nemo Interview&quot;], by Nev Pierce ''BBC'', 09/30/2003.

== Voice cast ==
*[[w:Alexander Gould|Alexander Gould]] - Nemo
*[[w:Albert Brooks|Albert Brooks]] - Marlin
*[[Ellen DeGeneres]] - Dory
*[[Willem Dafoe]] - Gill
*[[Brad Garrett]] - Bloat                                
*[[w:Austin Pendleton|Austin Pendleton]] - Gurgle
*[[w:Stephen Root|Stephen Root]] - Bubbles
*[[w:Vicki Lewis|Vicki Lewis]] - Deb (and &quot;Flo&quot;, Deb's reflection)
*[[w:Joe Ranft|Joe Ranft]] - Jacques
*[[w:Allison Janney|Allison Janney]] - Peach
*[[Geoffrey Rush]] - Nigel
*[[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] - Fish School
*[[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]] - Crush
*[[w:Nicholas Bird|Nicholas Bird]] - Squirt
*[[w:Bob Peterson (filmmaker)|Bob Peterson]] - Mr. Ray
*[[Barry Humphries]] - Bruce
*[[w:Eric Bana|Eric Bana]] - Anchor
*[[w:Bruce Spence|Bruce Spence]] - Chum
*[[w:Jordy Ranft|Jordy Ranft]] - Tad
*[[w:Erica Beck|Erica Beck]] - Pearl
*[[w:Erik Per Sullivan|Erik Per Sullivan]] - Sheldon
*[[w:Bill Hunter (actor)|Bill Hunter]] - Dentist Philip Sherman
*[[w:LuLu Ebeling|LuLu Ebeling]] - Darla Sherman
*[[w:Elizabeth Perkins|Elizabeth Perkins]] - Coral
*[[w:Rove McManus|Rove McManus]] - Crab
*[[w:Carlos Alazraqui|Carlos Alazraqui]] - Phil
*[[w:Phil Proctor|Phil Proctor]] - Bob
*[[w:James Kevin Ward|Jim Ward]] - Ted

==See also==
* [[Finding Dory]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title|0266543}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|finding_nemo}}

[[Category:2003 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Computer-animated films]]
[[Category:Animated adventure films]]
[[Category:Animated comedy films]]
[[Category:Animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Andrew Stanton films]]
[[Category:Lee Unkrich films]]
[[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]]
[[Category:Films about fish]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Andrew Stanton]]</text>
      <sha1>fhrcy8dahvm2q6eujh6x7l74a8exfs7</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147684</id>
      <parentid>3147683</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T19:44:23Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>205.237.131.3</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="8543" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Finding Nemo|Finding Nemo]]''''' is a 2003 American computer-animated film produced by [[w:Pixar|Pixar Animation Studios]] for [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]] on May 30, 2003. It tells the story of the overly protective [[w:clownfish|clownfish]] Marlin, voiced by [[w:Albert Brooks|Albert Brooks]], who along with a [[w:Paracanthurus hepatus|regal tang]] named Dory, voiced by [[Ellen DeGeneres]], searches for his son Nemo, voiced by [[w:Alexander Gould|Alexander Gould]]. Along the way he learns to take risks and that his son is capable of taking care of himself.
:''Directed by [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]] and [[w:Lee Unkrich|Lee Unkrich]]. Story and Screenplay by [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]].''
{{center|'''There Are 3.7 Trillion Fish In The Ocean. They're Looking For One.'''}}

== Dialogue ==
:'''Bruce''': Fish are friends, not food.
:'''Anchor''': Except stinkin' dolphins.
:'''Chum''': Dolphins! Yeah, they think they're so cute! ''[mocks a dolphin]'' &quot;Oh, look at me, I'm a flippy little dolphin, let me flip for you! Ain't I something?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Chum''': I don't get it.  
:'''Bruce''': For a clownfish, he's not that funny. 
:'''Marlin''': No, no, no, he's my son. He was taken by these divers.
:'''Dory''': Oh, you poor fishes...
:'''Chum''': Humans! Think they own everything.
:'''Anchor''': Probably American!
:'''Bruce''': Now, there is a father looking for his little boy.  
:'''Marlin''': What do these markings mean?   
:'''Bruce''': I never knew my father!  
:'''Anchor''': Come on, group hug.  '''Chum''': We're all still here mate.
:'''Marlin''': I can't read human.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dory''': Whoa. Nice trench. ''[echoing]'' Hello! Okay, let's go.
:'''Marlin''': Bad trench, bad trench. Come on, we're going to swim over this thing. ''[starts to swim over]''
:'''Dory''': Whoa, whoa, partner. Little red flag going up. Something's telling me we should swim through it, not over it.
:'''Marlin''': ''[comes back]'' Are you looking at this thing? It's got death all over it!
:'''Dory''': I'm sorry. But I really, really, really think we should swim through.
:'''Marlin''': And I am really, really done talking about this! Over we go!
:'''Dory''': Come on, trust me on this.
:'''Marlin''': Trust you?
:'''Dory''': Yes, trust. It's what friends do.
:'''Marlin''': ...Look, something's shiny!
:'''Dory''': Where?!
:'''Marlin''': Oh, it just swam over the trench! Come on, follow me.
:'''Dory''': Okay!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dory''': How about we play a game? 
:'''Marlin''': All right. 
:'''Dory''': Okay, I'm thinking of something orange, and small... 
:'''Marlin''': It's me. 
:'''Dory''': Right! ''[later]'' I'm thinking of something orange and small...
:'''Marlin''': It's me.
:'''Dory''': All right, Mr. Smarty-pants... ''[later still]'' It's orange and small, and white stripes...
:'''Marlin''': Me, and the next one's just a guess, me.
:'''Dory''': Okay, that's just scary.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dory''': ''[swims upside down]'' C'mon! You gotta try this!
:'''Marlin''': Will you just stop it?!
:'''Dory''': Why? What's wrong?
:'''Marlin''': We're in a whale, don't you get it?!
:'''Dory''': A whale?
:'''Marlin''': A whale!! Because you asked for help, and now we're stuck here!
:'''Dory''': ''[looks around her]'' Wow. A whale. You know, I speak whale--
:'''Marlin''': No, you're insane! You can't speak whale! I have to get out! ''[bumps into the whale's baleen]'' I have to find my son! ''[bumps again]'' I have to tell him... ''[bumps repeatedly]'' ...how, old, sea, turtles, are!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Marlin''': But, but, dude. How do you know when they're ready?
:'''Crush''': Well, you never really know, you know, but when they know, you'll know, ya know?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dory''': Have you seen an orange fish swim by? It looks just like them. ''[points at Nemo]''
:'''Nemo''': But bigger!
:'''Crab''': Yeah, I saw him, Bluey. But I'm not telling you where he went, and there's no way you're gonna make me!
:''[Dory glares at the crab, then holds him out of water for the seagulls to see]''
:'''Seagull''': Mine!
:'''Crab''': All right, all right! I'll talk, I'll talk! He went to the fishing grounds!
:'''Seagulls''': Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[hundreds of seagulls surround Marlin and Dory]''
:'''Seagull''': Mine.
:'''Nigel''': ''[quiet and controlled]'' Okay. Don't make any sudden moves. Hop inside my mouth, if you want to live.
:'''Marlin''': &quot;Hop in your mouth,&quot; huh? And how does that make me live?
:'''Seagull''': Mine?
:'''Nigel''': Because I can take you to your son.
:'''Marlin''': Yeah, right.
:'''Nigel''': No. I know your son. He's small and orange, he has a gimpy fin on one side.
:'''Marlin''': That's Nemo!
:''[the seagulls suddenly attack]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bloat''': Nemo, newcomer of orange and white, you have been called forth to the top of Mount Wannahockaloogie to join with us, in the fraternal bonds... of tankhood.
:'''Nemo''': Huh?
:'''Peach''': We want you in our club, kid.
:'''Nemo''': Really?
:'''Bloat''': If you are able to swim through, the Ring of Fire!!!! ''[nothing happens]'' Turn on the Ring of Fire! The Ring of Fire!
:''[Jacques suddenly comes to attention]''
:'''Jacques''': Sorry!
:'''Bloat''': You said you could do this!
:''[bubbles explode out of the top of Wannahockaloogie Mountain]''
:'''Bloat''': The Ring of Fire!

== About ''Finding Nemo'' ==

* By far the biggest challenge was getting the water right. Water has always been a Holy Grail for CG animators because it’s not a fixed medium, it’s constantly shifting and changing.
:* [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]] in [http://www.indielondon.co.uk/film/finding_nemo_stanton_unkrich.html &quot;Finding Nemo - An interview with Andrew Stanton and Lee Unkrich&quot;] by Graeme Kay, ''Indie London''.
*  Way back during the first beginnings of [[Toy Story]], believe it or not. I was at an aquarium, and I was new to computer graphics, and I remember just looking at the underwater environment and thinking we could mimic this exactly in computer graphics.
: So that was on the back burner of my brain all through Toy Story and [[A Bug's Life]] and [[Toy Story 2]]. I kept thinking about what story I'd want to tell in an underwater setting, and I remembered this dentist's office that I went to as a kid. It had a tank in the lobby, and I used to think about whether those fish wanted to go home, and what it must be like to be in this tacky little tank with a treasure chest, and a scuba diver. All those kind of things.
:* Andrew Stanton in [http://www.bbc.co.uk/films/2003/09/30/andrew_stanton_lee_unkrich_finding_nemo_interview.shtml &quot;Andrew Stanton Lee Unkrich Finding Nemo Interview&quot;], by Nev Pierce ''BBC'', 09/30/2003.

== Voice cast ==
*[[w:Alexander Gould|Alexander Gould]] - Nemo
*[[w:Albert Brooks|Albert Brooks]] - Marlin
*[[Ellen DeGeneres]] - Dory
*[[Willem Dafoe]] - Gill
*[[Brad Garrett]] - Bloat                                
*[[w:Austin Pendleton|Austin Pendleton]] - Gurgle
*[[w:Stephen Root|Stephen Root]] - Bubbles
*[[w:Vicki Lewis|Vicki Lewis]] - Deb (and &quot;Flo&quot;, Deb's reflection)
*[[w:Joe Ranft|Joe Ranft]] - Jacques
*[[w:Allison Janney|Allison Janney]] - Peach
*[[Geoffrey Rush]] - Nigel
*[[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] - Fish School
*[[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]] - Crush
*[[w:Nicholas Bird|Nicholas Bird]] - Squirt
*[[w:Bob Peterson (filmmaker)|Bob Peterson]] - Mr. Ray
*[[Barry Humphries]] - Bruce
*[[w:Eric Bana|Eric Bana]] - Anchor
*[[w:Bruce Spence|Bruce Spence]] - Chum
*[[w:Jordy Ranft|Jordy Ranft]] - Tad
*[[w:Erica Beck|Erica Beck]] - Pearl
*[[w:Erik Per Sullivan|Erik Per Sullivan]] - Sheldon
*[[w:Bill Hunter (actor)|Bill Hunter]] - Dentist Philip Sherman
*[[w:LuLu Ebeling|LuLu Ebeling]] - Darla Sherman
*[[w:Elizabeth Perkins|Elizabeth Perkins]] - Coral
*[[w:Rove McManus|Rove McManus]] - Crab
*[[w:Carlos Alazraqui|Carlos Alazraqui]] - Phil
*[[w:Phil Proctor|Phil Proctor]] - Bob
*[[w:James Kevin Ward|Jim Ward]] - Ted

==See also==
* [[Finding Dory]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title|0266543}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|finding_nemo}}

[[Category:2003 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Computer-animated films]]
[[Category:Animated adventure films]]
[[Category:Animated comedy films]]
[[Category:Animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Andrew Stanton films]]
[[Category:Lee Unkrich films]]
[[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]]
[[Category:Films about fish]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Andrew Stanton]]</text>
      <sha1>5cde9l26dj79wm51qqpdt60mypdc928</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147685</id>
      <parentid>3147684</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T19:44:44Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>205.237.131.3</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="8545" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Finding Nemo|Finding Nemo]]''''' is a 2003 American computer-animated film produced by [[w:Pixar|Pixar Animation Studios]] for [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]] on May 30, 2003. It tells the story of the overly protective [[w:clownfish|clownfish]] Marlin, voiced by [[w:Albert Brooks|Albert Brooks]], who along with a [[w:Paracanthurus hepatus|regal tang]] named Dory, voiced by [[Ellen DeGeneres]], searches for his son Nemo, voiced by [[w:Alexander Gould|Alexander Gould]]. Along the way he learns to take risks and that his son is capable of taking care of himself.
:''Directed by [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]] and [[w:Lee Unkrich|Lee Unkrich]]. Story and Screenplay by [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]].''
{{center|'''There Are 3.7 Trillion Fish In The Ocean. They're Looking For One.'''}}

== Dialogue ==
:'''Bruce''': Fish are friends, not food.
:'''Anchor''': Except stinkin' dolphins.
:'''Chum''': Dolphins! Yeah, they think they're so cute! ''[mocks a dolphin]'' &quot;Oh, look at me, I'm a flippy little dolphin, let me flip for you! Ain't I something?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Chum''': I don't get it.  
:'''Bruce''': For a clownfish, he's not that funny. 
:'''Marlin''': No, no, no, he's my son. He was taken by these divers.
:'''Dory''': Oh, you poor fishes...
:'''Chum''': Humans! Think they own everything.
:'''Anchor''': Probably American!
:'''Bruce''': Now, there is a father looking for his little boy.  
:'''Marlin''': What do these markings mean?   
:'''Bruce''': I never knew my father!  
:'''Anchor''': Come on, group hug.  
:'''Chum''': We're all still here mate.
:'''Marlin''': I can't read human.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dory''': Whoa. Nice trench. ''[echoing]'' Hello! Okay, let's go.
:'''Marlin''': Bad trench, bad trench. Come on, we're going to swim over this thing. ''[starts to swim over]''
:'''Dory''': Whoa, whoa, partner. Little red flag going up. Something's telling me we should swim through it, not over it.
:'''Marlin''': ''[comes back]'' Are you looking at this thing? It's got death all over it!
:'''Dory''': I'm sorry. But I really, really, really think we should swim through.
:'''Marlin''': And I am really, really done talking about this! Over we go!
:'''Dory''': Come on, trust me on this.
:'''Marlin''': Trust you?
:'''Dory''': Yes, trust. It's what friends do.
:'''Marlin''': ...Look, something's shiny!
:'''Dory''': Where?!
:'''Marlin''': Oh, it just swam over the trench! Come on, follow me.
:'''Dory''': Okay!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dory''': How about we play a game? 
:'''Marlin''': All right. 
:'''Dory''': Okay, I'm thinking of something orange, and small... 
:'''Marlin''': It's me. 
:'''Dory''': Right! ''[later]'' I'm thinking of something orange and small...
:'''Marlin''': It's me.
:'''Dory''': All right, Mr. Smarty-pants... ''[later still]'' It's orange and small, and white stripes...
:'''Marlin''': Me, and the next one's just a guess, me.
:'''Dory''': Okay, that's just scary.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dory''': ''[swims upside down]'' C'mon! You gotta try this!
:'''Marlin''': Will you just stop it?!
:'''Dory''': Why? What's wrong?
:'''Marlin''': We're in a whale, don't you get it?!
:'''Dory''': A whale?
:'''Marlin''': A whale!! Because you asked for help, and now we're stuck here!
:'''Dory''': ''[looks around her]'' Wow. A whale. You know, I speak whale--
:'''Marlin''': No, you're insane! You can't speak whale! I have to get out! ''[bumps into the whale's baleen]'' I have to find my son! ''[bumps again]'' I have to tell him... ''[bumps repeatedly]'' ...how, old, sea, turtles, are!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Marlin''': But, but, dude. How do you know when they're ready?
:'''Crush''': Well, you never really know, you know, but when they know, you'll know, ya know?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dory''': Have you seen an orange fish swim by? It looks just like them. ''[points at Nemo]''
:'''Nemo''': But bigger!
:'''Crab''': Yeah, I saw him, Bluey. But I'm not telling you where he went, and there's no way you're gonna make me!
:''[Dory glares at the crab, then holds him out of water for the seagulls to see]''
:'''Seagull''': Mine!
:'''Crab''': All right, all right! I'll talk, I'll talk! He went to the fishing grounds!
:'''Seagulls''': Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[hundreds of seagulls surround Marlin and Dory]''
:'''Seagull''': Mine.
:'''Nigel''': ''[quiet and controlled]'' Okay. Don't make any sudden moves. Hop inside my mouth, if you want to live.
:'''Marlin''': &quot;Hop in your mouth,&quot; huh? And how does that make me live?
:'''Seagull''': Mine?
:'''Nigel''': Because I can take you to your son.
:'''Marlin''': Yeah, right.
:'''Nigel''': No. I know your son. He's small and orange, he has a gimpy fin on one side.
:'''Marlin''': That's Nemo!
:''[the seagulls suddenly attack]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bloat''': Nemo, newcomer of orange and white, you have been called forth to the top of Mount Wannahockaloogie to join with us, in the fraternal bonds... of tankhood.
:'''Nemo''': Huh?
:'''Peach''': We want you in our club, kid.
:'''Nemo''': Really?
:'''Bloat''': If you are able to swim through, the Ring of Fire!!!! ''[nothing happens]'' Turn on the Ring of Fire! The Ring of Fire!
:''[Jacques suddenly comes to attention]''
:'''Jacques''': Sorry!
:'''Bloat''': You said you could do this!
:''[bubbles explode out of the top of Wannahockaloogie Mountain]''
:'''Bloat''': The Ring of Fire!

== About ''Finding Nemo'' ==

* By far the biggest challenge was getting the water right. Water has always been a Holy Grail for CG animators because it’s not a fixed medium, it’s constantly shifting and changing.
:* [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]] in [http://www.indielondon.co.uk/film/finding_nemo_stanton_unkrich.html &quot;Finding Nemo - An interview with Andrew Stanton and Lee Unkrich&quot;] by Graeme Kay, ''Indie London''.
*  Way back during the first beginnings of [[Toy Story]], believe it or not. I was at an aquarium, and I was new to computer graphics, and I remember just looking at the underwater environment and thinking we could mimic this exactly in computer graphics.
: So that was on the back burner of my brain all through Toy Story and [[A Bug's Life]] and [[Toy Story 2]]. I kept thinking about what story I'd want to tell in an underwater setting, and I remembered this dentist's office that I went to as a kid. It had a tank in the lobby, and I used to think about whether those fish wanted to go home, and what it must be like to be in this tacky little tank with a treasure chest, and a scuba diver. All those kind of things.
:* Andrew Stanton in [http://www.bbc.co.uk/films/2003/09/30/andrew_stanton_lee_unkrich_finding_nemo_interview.shtml &quot;Andrew Stanton Lee Unkrich Finding Nemo Interview&quot;], by Nev Pierce ''BBC'', 09/30/2003.

== Voice cast ==
*[[w:Alexander Gould|Alexander Gould]] - Nemo
*[[w:Albert Brooks|Albert Brooks]] - Marlin
*[[Ellen DeGeneres]] - Dory
*[[Willem Dafoe]] - Gill
*[[Brad Garrett]] - Bloat                                
*[[w:Austin Pendleton|Austin Pendleton]] - Gurgle
*[[w:Stephen Root|Stephen Root]] - Bubbles
*[[w:Vicki Lewis|Vicki Lewis]] - Deb (and &quot;Flo&quot;, Deb's reflection)
*[[w:Joe Ranft|Joe Ranft]] - Jacques
*[[w:Allison Janney|Allison Janney]] - Peach
*[[Geoffrey Rush]] - Nigel
*[[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] - Fish School
*[[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]] - Crush
*[[w:Nicholas Bird|Nicholas Bird]] - Squirt
*[[w:Bob Peterson (filmmaker)|Bob Peterson]] - Mr. Ray
*[[Barry Humphries]] - Bruce
*[[w:Eric Bana|Eric Bana]] - Anchor
*[[w:Bruce Spence|Bruce Spence]] - Chum
*[[w:Jordy Ranft|Jordy Ranft]] - Tad
*[[w:Erica Beck|Erica Beck]] - Pearl
*[[w:Erik Per Sullivan|Erik Per Sullivan]] - Sheldon
*[[w:Bill Hunter (actor)|Bill Hunter]] - Dentist Philip Sherman
*[[w:LuLu Ebeling|LuLu Ebeling]] - Darla Sherman
*[[w:Elizabeth Perkins|Elizabeth Perkins]] - Coral
*[[w:Rove McManus|Rove McManus]] - Crab
*[[w:Carlos Alazraqui|Carlos Alazraqui]] - Phil
*[[w:Phil Proctor|Phil Proctor]] - Bob
*[[w:James Kevin Ward|Jim Ward]] - Ted

==See also==
* [[Finding Dory]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title|0266543}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|finding_nemo}}

[[Category:2003 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Computer-animated films]]
[[Category:Animated adventure films]]
[[Category:Animated comedy films]]
[[Category:Animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Andrew Stanton films]]
[[Category:Lee Unkrich films]]
[[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]]
[[Category:Films about fish]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Andrew Stanton]]</text>
      <sha1>dzfa79cv178gyzd1fbezj58w5ay3cvh</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147696</id>
      <parentid>3147685</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T19:56:02Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>205.237.131.3</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="8753" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Finding Nemo|Finding Nemo]]''''' is a 2003 American computer-animated film produced by [[w:Pixar|Pixar Animation Studios]] for [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]] on May 30, 2003. It tells the story of the overly protective [[w:clownfish|clownfish]] Marlin, voiced by [[w:Albert Brooks|Albert Brooks]], who along with a [[w:Paracanthurus hepatus|regal tang]] named Dory, voiced by [[Ellen DeGeneres]], searches for his son Nemo, voiced by [[w:Alexander Gould|Alexander Gould]]. Along the way he learns to take risks and that his son is capable of taking care of himself.
:''Directed by [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]] and [[w:Lee Unkrich|Lee Unkrich]]. Story and Screenplay by [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]].''
{{center|'''There Are 3.7 Trillion Fish In The Ocean. They're Looking For One.'''}}

== Dialogue ==
:'''Bruce''': Fish are friends, not food.
:'''Anchor''': Except stinkin' dolphins.
:'''Chum''': Dolphins! Yeah, they think they're so cute! ''[mocks a dolphin]'' &quot;Oh, look at me, I'm a flippy little dolphin, let me flip for you! Ain't I something?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Marlin''': Normally, they don't talk, sea cucumbers, but in a joke everyone talks. So, the sea mollusk says to the cucumber…  
:''[sees the mask]''  '''Nemo''': Daddy!  '''Marlin''': Nemo!  '''Chum''': Nemo! Ha ha! I don't get it.  
:'''Bruce''': For a clownfish, he's not that funny. 
:'''Marlin''': No, no, no, he's my son. He was taken by these divers.
:'''Dory''': Oh, you poor fishes...
:'''Chum''': Humans! Think they own everything.
:'''Anchor''': Probably American!
:'''Bruce''': Now, there is a father looking for his little boy.  
:'''Marlin''': What do these markings mean?   
:'''Bruce''': I never knew my father!  
:'''Anchor''': Come on, group hug.  
:'''Chum''': We're all still here mate.
:'''Marlin''': I can't read human.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dory''': Whoa. Nice trench. ''[echoing]'' Hello! Okay, let's go.
:'''Marlin''': Bad trench, bad trench. Come on, we're going to swim over this thing. ''[starts to swim over]''
:'''Dory''': Whoa, whoa, partner. Little red flag going up. Something's telling me we should swim through it, not over it.
:'''Marlin''': ''[comes back]'' Are you looking at this thing? It's got death all over it!
:'''Dory''': I'm sorry. But I really, really, really think we should swim through.
:'''Marlin''': And I am really, really done talking about this! Over we go!
:'''Dory''': Come on, trust me on this.
:'''Marlin''': Trust you?
:'''Dory''': Yes, trust. It's what friends do.
:'''Marlin''': ...Look, something's shiny!
:'''Dory''': Where?!
:'''Marlin''': Oh, it just swam over the trench! Come on, follow me.
:'''Dory''': Okay!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dory''': How about we play a game? 
:'''Marlin''': All right. 
:'''Dory''': Okay, I'm thinking of something orange, and small... 
:'''Marlin''': It's me. 
:'''Dory''': Right! ''[later]'' I'm thinking of something orange and small...
:'''Marlin''': It's me.
:'''Dory''': All right, Mr. Smarty-pants... ''[later still]'' It's orange and small, and white stripes...
:'''Marlin''': Me, and the next one's just a guess, me.
:'''Dory''': Okay, that's just scary.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dory''': ''[swims upside down]'' C'mon! You gotta try this!
:'''Marlin''': Will you just stop it?!
:'''Dory''': Why? What's wrong?
:'''Marlin''': We're in a whale, don't you get it?!
:'''Dory''': A whale?
:'''Marlin''': A whale!! Because you asked for help, and now we're stuck here!
:'''Dory''': ''[looks around her]'' Wow. A whale. You know, I speak whale--
:'''Marlin''': No, you're insane! You can't speak whale! I have to get out! ''[bumps into the whale's baleen]'' I have to find my son! ''[bumps again]'' I have to tell him... ''[bumps repeatedly]'' ...how, old, sea, turtles, are!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Marlin''': But, but, dude. How do you know when they're ready?
:'''Crush''': Well, you never really know, you know, but when they know, you'll know, ya know?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dory''': Have you seen an orange fish swim by? It looks just like them. ''[points at Nemo]''
:'''Nemo''': But bigger!
:'''Crab''': Yeah, I saw him, Bluey. But I'm not telling you where he went, and there's no way you're gonna make me!
:''[Dory glares at the crab, then holds him out of water for the seagulls to see]''
:'''Seagull''': Mine!
:'''Crab''': All right, all right! I'll talk, I'll talk! He went to the fishing grounds!
:'''Seagulls''': Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[hundreds of seagulls surround Marlin and Dory]''
:'''Seagull''': Mine.
:'''Nigel''': ''[quiet and controlled]'' Okay. Don't make any sudden moves. Hop inside my mouth, if you want to live.
:'''Marlin''': &quot;Hop in your mouth,&quot; huh? And how does that make me live?
:'''Seagull''': Mine?
:'''Nigel''': Because I can take you to your son.
:'''Marlin''': Yeah, right.
:'''Nigel''': No. I know your son. He's small and orange, he has a gimpy fin on one side.
:'''Marlin''': That's Nemo!
:''[the seagulls suddenly attack]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bloat''': Nemo, newcomer of orange and white, you have been called forth to the top of Mount Wannahockaloogie to join with us, in the fraternal bonds... of tankhood.
:'''Nemo''': Huh?
:'''Peach''': We want you in our club, kid.
:'''Nemo''': Really?
:'''Bloat''': If you are able to swim through, the Ring of Fire!!!! ''[nothing happens]'' Turn on the Ring of Fire! The Ring of Fire!
:''[Jacques suddenly comes to attention]''
:'''Jacques''': Sorry!
:'''Bloat''': You said you could do this!
:''[bubbles explode out of the top of Wannahockaloogie Mountain]''
:'''Bloat''': The Ring of Fire!

== About ''Finding Nemo'' ==

* By far the biggest challenge was getting the water right. Water has always been a Holy Grail for CG animators because it’s not a fixed medium, it’s constantly shifting and changing.
:* [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]] in [http://www.indielondon.co.uk/film/finding_nemo_stanton_unkrich.html &quot;Finding Nemo - An interview with Andrew Stanton and Lee Unkrich&quot;] by Graeme Kay, ''Indie London''.
*  Way back during the first beginnings of [[Toy Story]], believe it or not. I was at an aquarium, and I was new to computer graphics, and I remember just looking at the underwater environment and thinking we could mimic this exactly in computer graphics.
: So that was on the back burner of my brain all through Toy Story and [[A Bug's Life]] and [[Toy Story 2]]. I kept thinking about what story I'd want to tell in an underwater setting, and I remembered this dentist's office that I went to as a kid. It had a tank in the lobby, and I used to think about whether those fish wanted to go home, and what it must be like to be in this tacky little tank with a treasure chest, and a scuba diver. All those kind of things.
:* Andrew Stanton in [http://www.bbc.co.uk/films/2003/09/30/andrew_stanton_lee_unkrich_finding_nemo_interview.shtml &quot;Andrew Stanton Lee Unkrich Finding Nemo Interview&quot;], by Nev Pierce ''BBC'', 09/30/2003.

== Voice cast ==
*[[w:Alexander Gould|Alexander Gould]] - Nemo
*[[w:Albert Brooks|Albert Brooks]] - Marlin
*[[Ellen DeGeneres]] - Dory
*[[Willem Dafoe]] - Gill
*[[Brad Garrett]] - Bloat                                
*[[w:Austin Pendleton|Austin Pendleton]] - Gurgle
*[[w:Stephen Root|Stephen Root]] - Bubbles
*[[w:Vicki Lewis|Vicki Lewis]] - Deb (and &quot;Flo&quot;, Deb's reflection)
*[[w:Joe Ranft|Joe Ranft]] - Jacques
*[[w:Allison Janney|Allison Janney]] - Peach
*[[Geoffrey Rush]] - Nigel
*[[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] - Fish School
*[[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]] - Crush
*[[w:Nicholas Bird|Nicholas Bird]] - Squirt
*[[w:Bob Peterson (filmmaker)|Bob Peterson]] - Mr. Ray
*[[Barry Humphries]] - Bruce
*[[w:Eric Bana|Eric Bana]] - Anchor
*[[w:Bruce Spence|Bruce Spence]] - Chum
*[[w:Jordy Ranft|Jordy Ranft]] - Tad
*[[w:Erica Beck|Erica Beck]] - Pearl
*[[w:Erik Per Sullivan|Erik Per Sullivan]] - Sheldon
*[[w:Bill Hunter (actor)|Bill Hunter]] - Dentist Philip Sherman
*[[w:LuLu Ebeling|LuLu Ebeling]] - Darla Sherman
*[[w:Elizabeth Perkins|Elizabeth Perkins]] - Coral
*[[w:Rove McManus|Rove McManus]] - Crab
*[[w:Carlos Alazraqui|Carlos Alazraqui]] - Phil
*[[w:Phil Proctor|Phil Proctor]] - Bob
*[[w:James Kevin Ward|Jim Ward]] - Ted

==See also==
* [[Finding Dory]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title|0266543}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|finding_nemo}}

[[Category:2003 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Computer-animated films]]
[[Category:Animated adventure films]]
[[Category:Animated comedy films]]
[[Category:Animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Andrew Stanton films]]
[[Category:Lee Unkrich films]]
[[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]]
[[Category:Films about fish]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Andrew Stanton]]</text>
      <sha1>c1ipa2rm1iszla90zb0pq1azava57b0</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147697</id>
      <parentid>3147696</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T19:56:43Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>205.237.131.3</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="8759" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Finding Nemo|Finding Nemo]]''''' is a 2003 American computer-animated film produced by [[w:Pixar|Pixar Animation Studios]] for [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]] on May 30, 2003. It tells the story of the overly protective [[w:clownfish|clownfish]] Marlin, voiced by [[w:Albert Brooks|Albert Brooks]], who along with a [[w:Paracanthurus hepatus|regal tang]] named Dory, voiced by [[Ellen DeGeneres]], searches for his son Nemo, voiced by [[w:Alexander Gould|Alexander Gould]]. Along the way he learns to take risks and that his son is capable of taking care of himself.
:''Directed by [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]] and [[w:Lee Unkrich|Lee Unkrich]]. Story and Screenplay by [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]].''
{{center|'''There Are 3.7 Trillion Fish In The Ocean. They're Looking For One.'''}}

== Dialogue ==
:'''Bruce''': Fish are friends, not food.
:'''Anchor''': Except stinkin' dolphins.
:'''Chum''': Dolphins! Yeah, they think they're so cute! ''[mocks a dolphin]'' &quot;Oh, look at me, I'm a flippy little dolphin, let me flip for you! Ain't I something?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Marlin''': Normally, they don't talk, sea cucumbers, but in a joke everyone talks. So, the sea mollusk says to the cucumber…  
:''[sees the mask]''  
:'''Nemo''': Daddy!  
:'''Marlin''': Nemo!  
:'''Chum''': Nemo! Ha ha! I don't get it.  
:'''Bruce''': For a clownfish, he's not that funny. 
:'''Marlin''': No, no, no, he's my son. He was taken by these divers.
:'''Dory''': Oh, you poor fishes...
:'''Chum''': Humans! Think they own everything.
:'''Anchor''': Probably American!
:'''Bruce''': Now, there is a father looking for his little boy.  
:'''Marlin''': What do these markings mean?   
:'''Bruce''': I never knew my father!  
:'''Anchor''': Come on, group hug.  
:'''Chum''': We're all still here mate.
:'''Marlin''': I can't read human.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dory''': Whoa. Nice trench. ''[echoing]'' Hello! Okay, let's go.
:'''Marlin''': Bad trench, bad trench. Come on, we're going to swim over this thing. ''[starts to swim over]''
:'''Dory''': Whoa, whoa, partner. Little red flag going up. Something's telling me we should swim through it, not over it.
:'''Marlin''': ''[comes back]'' Are you looking at this thing? It's got death all over it!
:'''Dory''': I'm sorry. But I really, really, really think we should swim through.
:'''Marlin''': And I am really, really done talking about this! Over we go!
:'''Dory''': Come on, trust me on this.
:'''Marlin''': Trust you?
:'''Dory''': Yes, trust. It's what friends do.
:'''Marlin''': ...Look, something's shiny!
:'''Dory''': Where?!
:'''Marlin''': Oh, it just swam over the trench! Come on, follow me.
:'''Dory''': Okay!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dory''': How about we play a game? 
:'''Marlin''': All right. 
:'''Dory''': Okay, I'm thinking of something orange, and small... 
:'''Marlin''': It's me. 
:'''Dory''': Right! ''[later]'' I'm thinking of something orange and small...
:'''Marlin''': It's me.
:'''Dory''': All right, Mr. Smarty-pants... ''[later still]'' It's orange and small, and white stripes...
:'''Marlin''': Me, and the next one's just a guess, me.
:'''Dory''': Okay, that's just scary.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dory''': ''[swims upside down]'' C'mon! You gotta try this!
:'''Marlin''': Will you just stop it?!
:'''Dory''': Why? What's wrong?
:'''Marlin''': We're in a whale, don't you get it?!
:'''Dory''': A whale?
:'''Marlin''': A whale!! Because you asked for help, and now we're stuck here!
:'''Dory''': ''[looks around her]'' Wow. A whale. You know, I speak whale--
:'''Marlin''': No, you're insane! You can't speak whale! I have to get out! ''[bumps into the whale's baleen]'' I have to find my son! ''[bumps again]'' I have to tell him... ''[bumps repeatedly]'' ...how, old, sea, turtles, are!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Marlin''': But, but, dude. How do you know when they're ready?
:'''Crush''': Well, you never really know, you know, but when they know, you'll know, ya know?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dory''': Have you seen an orange fish swim by? It looks just like them. ''[points at Nemo]''
:'''Nemo''': But bigger!
:'''Crab''': Yeah, I saw him, Bluey. But I'm not telling you where he went, and there's no way you're gonna make me!
:''[Dory glares at the crab, then holds him out of water for the seagulls to see]''
:'''Seagull''': Mine!
:'''Crab''': All right, all right! I'll talk, I'll talk! He went to the fishing grounds!
:'''Seagulls''': Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[hundreds of seagulls surround Marlin and Dory]''
:'''Seagull''': Mine.
:'''Nigel''': ''[quiet and controlled]'' Okay. Don't make any sudden moves. Hop inside my mouth, if you want to live.
:'''Marlin''': &quot;Hop in your mouth,&quot; huh? And how does that make me live?
:'''Seagull''': Mine?
:'''Nigel''': Because I can take you to your son.
:'''Marlin''': Yeah, right.
:'''Nigel''': No. I know your son. He's small and orange, he has a gimpy fin on one side.
:'''Marlin''': That's Nemo!
:''[the seagulls suddenly attack]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bloat''': Nemo, newcomer of orange and white, you have been called forth to the top of Mount Wannahockaloogie to join with us, in the fraternal bonds... of tankhood.
:'''Nemo''': Huh?
:'''Peach''': We want you in our club, kid.
:'''Nemo''': Really?
:'''Bloat''': If you are able to swim through, the Ring of Fire!!!! ''[nothing happens]'' Turn on the Ring of Fire! The Ring of Fire!
:''[Jacques suddenly comes to attention]''
:'''Jacques''': Sorry!
:'''Bloat''': You said you could do this!
:''[bubbles explode out of the top of Wannahockaloogie Mountain]''
:'''Bloat''': The Ring of Fire!

== About ''Finding Nemo'' ==

* By far the biggest challenge was getting the water right. Water has always been a Holy Grail for CG animators because it’s not a fixed medium, it’s constantly shifting and changing.
:* [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]] in [http://www.indielondon.co.uk/film/finding_nemo_stanton_unkrich.html &quot;Finding Nemo - An interview with Andrew Stanton and Lee Unkrich&quot;] by Graeme Kay, ''Indie London''.
*  Way back during the first beginnings of [[Toy Story]], believe it or not. I was at an aquarium, and I was new to computer graphics, and I remember just looking at the underwater environment and thinking we could mimic this exactly in computer graphics.
: So that was on the back burner of my brain all through Toy Story and [[A Bug's Life]] and [[Toy Story 2]]. I kept thinking about what story I'd want to tell in an underwater setting, and I remembered this dentist's office that I went to as a kid. It had a tank in the lobby, and I used to think about whether those fish wanted to go home, and what it must be like to be in this tacky little tank with a treasure chest, and a scuba diver. All those kind of things.
:* Andrew Stanton in [http://www.bbc.co.uk/films/2003/09/30/andrew_stanton_lee_unkrich_finding_nemo_interview.shtml &quot;Andrew Stanton Lee Unkrich Finding Nemo Interview&quot;], by Nev Pierce ''BBC'', 09/30/2003.

== Voice cast ==
*[[w:Alexander Gould|Alexander Gould]] - Nemo
*[[w:Albert Brooks|Albert Brooks]] - Marlin
*[[Ellen DeGeneres]] - Dory
*[[Willem Dafoe]] - Gill
*[[Brad Garrett]] - Bloat                                
*[[w:Austin Pendleton|Austin Pendleton]] - Gurgle
*[[w:Stephen Root|Stephen Root]] - Bubbles
*[[w:Vicki Lewis|Vicki Lewis]] - Deb (and &quot;Flo&quot;, Deb's reflection)
*[[w:Joe Ranft|Joe Ranft]] - Jacques
*[[w:Allison Janney|Allison Janney]] - Peach
*[[Geoffrey Rush]] - Nigel
*[[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] - Fish School
*[[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]] - Crush
*[[w:Nicholas Bird|Nicholas Bird]] - Squirt
*[[w:Bob Peterson (filmmaker)|Bob Peterson]] - Mr. Ray
*[[Barry Humphries]] - Bruce
*[[w:Eric Bana|Eric Bana]] - Anchor
*[[w:Bruce Spence|Bruce Spence]] - Chum
*[[w:Jordy Ranft|Jordy Ranft]] - Tad
*[[w:Erica Beck|Erica Beck]] - Pearl
*[[w:Erik Per Sullivan|Erik Per Sullivan]] - Sheldon
*[[w:Bill Hunter (actor)|Bill Hunter]] - Dentist Philip Sherman
*[[w:LuLu Ebeling|LuLu Ebeling]] - Darla Sherman
*[[w:Elizabeth Perkins|Elizabeth Perkins]] - Coral
*[[w:Rove McManus|Rove McManus]] - Crab
*[[w:Carlos Alazraqui|Carlos Alazraqui]] - Phil
*[[w:Phil Proctor|Phil Proctor]] - Bob
*[[w:James Kevin Ward|Jim Ward]] - Ted

==See also==
* [[Finding Dory]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title|0266543}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|finding_nemo}}

[[Category:2003 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Computer-animated films]]
[[Category:Animated adventure films]]
[[Category:Animated comedy films]]
[[Category:Animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Andrew Stanton films]]
[[Category:Lee Unkrich films]]
[[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]]
[[Category:Films about fish]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Andrew Stanton]]</text>
      <sha1>4a4c2qrkkb5qrm2bwbw7fahkezp67ul</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Futurama</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>1688</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147754</id>
      <parentid>3129140</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T20:53:03Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* External links */ r/m Template:Tv.com show</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="16603" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''Futurama''''' is an American animated sitcom created by [[Matt Groening]] and [[David X. Cohen]]. Set in the year 3000, a 20th century human who was  frozen in the year 1999 awakes to find himself in the future, where he finds new friends who are coworkers at the Planet Express delivery company.
__NOTOC__
{| align=&quot;center&quot; class=&quot;wikitable&quot; cellspacing=&quot;0&quot;
! width=&quot;16%&quot; | [[Futurama/Season 1|Season 1]]
! width=&quot;16%&quot; | [[Futurama/Season 2|Season 2]]
! width=&quot;16%&quot; | [[Futurama/Season 3|Season 3]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.01--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 1#Space Pilot 3000|Space Pilot 3000]]
| &lt;!--2.01--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 2#I Second That Emotion|I Second That Emotion]]
| &lt;!--3.01--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 3#Amazon Women in the Mood|Amazon Women in the Mood]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.02--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 1#The Series Has Landed|The Series Has Landed]]
| &lt;!--2.02--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 2#Brannigan, Begin Again|Brannigan, Begin Again]]
| &lt;!--3.02--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 3#Parasites Lost|Parasites Lost]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.03--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 1#I, Roommate|I, Roommate]]
| &lt;!--2.03--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 2#A Head in the Polls|A Head in the Polls]]
| &lt;!--3.03--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 3#A Tale of Two Santas|A Tale of Two Santas]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.04--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 1#Love's Labors Lost in Space | Love's Labors Lost in Space]]
| &lt;!--2.04--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 2#Xmas Story|Xmas Story]]
| &lt;!--3.04--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 3#The Luck of the Fryrish | The Luck of the Fryrish]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.05--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 1#Fear of a Bot Planet|Fear of a Bot Planet]]
| &lt;!--2.05--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 2#Why Must I Be a Crustacean in Love?|Why Must I Be a Crustacean in Love?]]
| &lt;!--3.05--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 3#The Birdbot of Ice-Catraz|The Birdbot of Ice-Catraz]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.06--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 1#A Fishful of Dollars|A Fishful of Dollars]]
| &lt;!--2.06--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 2#Lesser of Two Evils|Lesser of Two Evils]]
| &lt;!--3.06--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 3#Bendless Love|Bendless Love]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.07--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 1#My Three Suns|My Three Suns]]
| &lt;!--2.07--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 2#Put Your Head on my Shoulders|Put Your Head on my Shoulders]]
| &lt;!--3.07--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 3#The Day the Earth Stood Stupid|The Day The Earth Stood Stupid]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.08--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 1#A Big Piece of Garbage|A Big Piece of Garbage]]
| &lt;!--2.08--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 2#Raging Bender|Raging Bender]]
| &lt;!--3.08--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 3#That's Lobstertainment|That's Lobstertainment]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.09--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 1#Hell Is Other Robots|Hell Is Other Robots]]
| &lt;!--2.09--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 2#A Bicyclops Built For Two|A Bicyclops Built For Two]]
| &lt;!--3.09--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 3#The Cyber House Rules|The Cyber House Rules]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.10--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 1#A Flight to Remember|A Flight to Remember]]
| &lt;!--2.10--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 2#A Clone of My Own|A Clone of My Own]]
| &lt;!--3.10--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 3#Where the Buggalo Roam|Where the Buggalo Roam]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.11--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 1#Mars University|Mars University]]
| &lt;!--2.11--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 2#How Hermes Requisitioned His Groove Back|How Hermes Requisitioned His Groove Back]]
| &lt;!--3.11--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 3#Insane in the Mainframe|Insane in the Mainframe]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.12--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 1#When Aliens Attack|When Aliens Attack]]
| &lt;!--2.12--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 2#The Deep South|The Deep South]]
| &lt;!--3.12--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 3#The Route of All Evil|The Route of All Evil]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.13--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 1#Fry and the Slurm Factory|Fry and the Slurm Factory]]
| &lt;!--2.13--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 2#Bender Gets Made|Bender Gets Made]]
| &lt;!--3.13--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 3#Bendin' in the Wind|Bendin' in the Wind]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.14--&gt; | 
| &lt;!--2.14--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 2#Mother's Day|Mother's Day]]
| &lt;!--3.14--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 3#Time Keeps on Slippin'|Time Keeps on Slippin']]
|-
| &lt;!--1.15--&gt; | 
| &lt;!--2.15--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 2#The Problem With Popplers|The Problem With Popplers]]
| &lt;!--3.15--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 3#I Dated a Robot|I Dated a Robot]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.16--&gt; | 
| &lt;!--2.16--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 2#Anthology of Interest I|Anthology of Interest I]]
| &lt;!--3.16--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 3#A Leela of Her Own|A Leela of Her Own]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.17--&gt; | 
| &lt;!--2.17--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 2#War Is the H-Word|War Is the H-Word]]
| &lt;!--3.17--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 3#A Pharaoh to Remember|A Pharaoh to Remember]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.18--&gt; | 
| &lt;!--2.18--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 2#The Honking|The Honking]]
| &lt;!--3.18--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 3#Anthology of Interest II|Anthology of Interest II]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.19--&gt; |
| &lt;!--2.19--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 2#The Cryonic Woman|The Cryonic Woman]]
| &lt;!--3.19--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 3#Roswell That Ends Well|Roswell That Ends Well]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.20--&gt; |
| &lt;!--2.20--&gt; |
| &lt;!--3.20--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 3#Godfellas|Godfellas]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.21--&gt; |
| &lt;!--2.21--&gt; |
| &lt;!--3.21--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 3#Future Stock|Future Stock]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.22--&gt; |
| &lt;!--2.22--&gt; |
| &lt;!--3.22--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 3#The 30% Iron Chef|The 30% Iron Chef]]
|-
|}
{| align=&quot;center&quot; class=&quot;wikitable&quot; cellspacing=&quot;0&quot;
! width=&quot;16%&quot; | [[Futurama/Season 4|Season 4]]
! width=&quot;16%&quot; | [[Futurama/Season 6|Season 6]]
! width=&quot;16%&quot; | [[Futurama/Season 7|Season 7]]
|-
| &lt;!--4.01--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 4#Kif Gets Knocked Up A Notch|Kif Gets Knocked Up A Notch]]
| &lt;!--6.01--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 6#Rebirth|Rebirth]]
| &lt;!--7.01--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 7#The Bots and the Bees|The Bots and the Bees]]
|-
| &lt;!--4.02--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 4#Leela's Homeworld|Leela's Homeworld]]
| &lt;!--6.02--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 6#In-A-Gadda-Da-Leela|In-A-Gadda-Da-Leela]]
| &lt;!--7.02--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 7#A Farewell to Arms|A Farewell to Arms]]
|-
| &lt;!--4.03--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 4#Love and Rocket|Love and Rocket]]
| &lt;!--6.03--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 6#Attack of the Killer App|Attack of the Killer App]]
| &lt;!--7.03--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 7#Decision 3012|Decision 3012]]
|-
| &lt;!--4.04--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 4#Less Than Hero|Less Than Hero]]
| &lt;!--6.04--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 6#Proposition Infinity|Proposition Infinity]]
| &lt;!--7.04--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 7#The Thief of Baghead|The Thief of Baghead]]
|-
| &lt;!--4.05--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 4#A Taste of Freedom|A Taste of Freedom]]
| &lt;!--6.05--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 6#The Duh-Vinci Code|The Duh-Vinci Code]]
| &lt;!--7.05--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 7#Zapp Dingbat|Zapp Dingbat]]
|-
| &lt;!--4.06--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 4#Bender Should Not Be Allowed On TV|Bender Should Not Be Allowed on TV]]
| &lt;!--6.06--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 6#Lethal Inspection|Lethal Inspection]]
| &lt;!--7.06--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 7#The Butterjunk Effect|The Butterjunk Effect]]
|-
| &lt;!--4.07--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 4#Jurassic Bark|Jurassic Bark]]
| &lt;!--6.07--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 6#The Late Philip J. Fry|The Late Philip J. Fry]]
| &lt;!--7.07--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 7#The Six Million Dollar Mon|The Six Million Dollar Mon]]
|-
| &lt;!--4.08--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 4#Crimes of the Hot|Crimes of the Hot]]
| &lt;!--6.08--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 6#That Darn Katz!|That Darn Katz!]]
| &lt;!--7.08--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 7#Fun on a Bun|Fun on a Bun]]
|-
| &lt;!--4.09--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 4#Teenage Mutant Leela's Hurdles|Teenage Mutant Leela's Hurdles]]
| &lt;!--6.09--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 6#A Clockwork Origin|A Clockwork Origin]]
| &lt;!--7.09--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 7#Free Will Hunting|Free Will Hunting]]
|-
| &lt;!--4.10--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 4#The Why of Fry|The Why of Fry]]
| &lt;!--6.10--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 6#The Prisoner of Benda|The Prisoner of Benda]]
| &lt;!--7.10--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 7#Near-Death Wish|Near Death Wish]]
|-
| &lt;!--4.11--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 4#Where No Fan Has Gone Before|Where No Fan Has Gone Before]]
| &lt;!--6.11--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 6#Lrrreconcilable Ndndifferences|Lrrreconcilable Ndndifferences]]
| &lt;!--7.11--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 7#31st Century Fox|31st Century Fox]]
|-
| &lt;!--4.12--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 4#The Sting|The Sting]]
| &lt;!--6.12--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 6#The Mutants Are Revolting|The Mutants Are Revolting]]
| &lt;!--7.12--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 7#Viva Mars Vegas|Viva Mars Vegas]]
|-
| &lt;!--4.13--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 4#Bend Her|Bend Her]]
| &lt;!--6.13--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 6#The Futurama Holiday Spectacular|The Futurama Holiday Spectacular]]
| &lt;!--7.13--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 7#Naturama|Naturama]]
|-
| &lt;!--4.14--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 4#Obsoletely Fabulous|Obsoletely Fabulous]]
| &lt;!--6.14--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 6#Neutopia|Neutopia]]
| &lt;!--7.14--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 7#2-D Blacktop|2-D Blacktop]]
|-
| &lt;!--4.15--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 4#The Farnsworth Parabox|The Farnsworth Parabox]]
| &lt;!--6.15--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 6#Benderama|Benderama]]
| &lt;!--7.15--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 7#Fry and Leela's Big Fling|Fry and Leela's Big Fling]]
|-
| &lt;!--4.16--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 4#Three Hundred Big Boys|Three Hundred Big Boys]]
| &lt;!--6.16--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 6#Ghost in the Machines|Ghost in the Machines]]
| &lt;!--7.16--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 7#T.: The Terrestrial|T.: The Terrestrial]]
|-
| &lt;!--4.17--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 4#Spanish Fry|Spanish Fry]]
| &lt;!--6.17--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 6#Law and Oracle|Law and Oracle]]
| &lt;!--7.17--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 7#Forty Percent Leadbelly|Forty Percent Leadbelly]]
|-
| &lt;!--4.18--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 4#The Devil's Hands are Idle Playthings|Devil's Hands are Idle Playthings]]
| &lt;!--6.18--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 6#The Silence of the Clamps|The Silence of the Clamps]]
| &lt;!--7.18--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 7#The Inhuman Torch|The Inhuman Torch]]
|-
| &lt;!--4.19--&gt; |
| &lt;!--6.19--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 6#Yo Leela Leela|Yo Leela Leela]]
| &lt;!--7.19--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 7#Saturday Morning Fun Pit|Saturday Morning Fun Pit]]
|-
| &lt;!--4.20--&gt; |
| &lt;!--6.20--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 6#All the Presidents' Heads|All the Presidents' Heads]]
| &lt;!--7.20--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 7#Calculon 2.0|Calculon 2.0]]
|-
| &lt;!--4.21--&gt; |
| &lt;!--6.21--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 6#Möbius Dick|Möbius Dick]]
| &lt;!--7.21--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 7#Assie Come Home|Assie Come Home]]
|-
| &lt;!--4.22--&gt; |
| &lt;!--6.22--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 6#Fry Am the Egg Man|Fry Am the Egg Man]]
| &lt;!--7.22--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 7#Leela and the Genestalk|Leela and the Genestalk]]
|-
| &lt;!--4.23--&gt; |
| &lt;!--6.23--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 6#The Tip of the Zoidberg|The Tip of the Zoidberg]]
| &lt;!--7.23--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 7#Game of Tones|Game of Tones]]
|-
| &lt;!--4.24--&gt; |
| &lt;!--6.24--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 6#Cold Warriors|Cold Warriors]]
| &lt;!--7.24--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 7#Murder on the Planet Express|Murder on the Planet Express]]
|-
| &lt;!--4.25--&gt; |
| &lt;!--6.25--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 6#Overclockwise|Overclockwise]]
| &lt;!--7.25--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 7#Stench and Stenchibility|Stench and Stenchibility]]
|-
| &lt;!--4.26--&gt; |
| &lt;!--6.26--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 6#Reincarnation|Reincarnation]]
| &lt;!--7.26--&gt; | [[Futurama/Season 7#Meanwhile|Meanwhile]]
|-
|}

=== Repeated quotes ===

:'''[[w:Professor Farnsworth|Professor Farnsworth]]''': Good news everyone!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Bender (Futurama)|Bender]]''': Bite my [[shiny]] [[metal]] [[ass]]!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bender''': Neat!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Zoidberg|Dr. Zoidberg]]''': Hooray!

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==

* Well, &quot;Futurama&quot; started with Fry getting frozen on New Year's Eve 1999 and waking up 1,000 years later, and then as it's gone forward in time, we're in 3013 now. And on the other hand, the characters haven’t aged!
* David and I talked about all the characters and worked together. My drawing style is actually pretty simple and crude -- I can't draw beautiful women, not even beautiful cyclops women -- so I turned my drawings over to real artists and let them make them better, and then I took those drawings and messed with them. There's nobody who's really sexy on &quot;The Simpsons,&quot; but I learned that the animators could draw women in the &quot;Simpsons&quot; style who looked beautiful -- which was a great surprise to me! So I wanted to see if I could create a science fiction heroine -- except I wanted to mess with the fanboys, so I gave her one eye. The original Leela was far more conventionally sexy, in cartoon form. There's something about cartoonists and animators when it comes to drawing beautiful women they give them noses that are microscopic, and I gave her a nose more like Olive Oyl's, more in that direction. The animators were aghast at this revolting horror character -- you don't even notice it now. You probably can't even picture it, it's just a nose. And then she was dressed like Ripley from the first &quot;Alien&quot; movie. &lt;br&gt; With &quot;Futurama,&quot; I wanted to do unrequited love, and David Cohen agreed, and although our original plan was never to have Fry and Leela get together, we finally just said, &quot;You can only string the fans along so far.&quot;
* With &quot;Futurama,&quot; I was just worried that somebody would beat us to it; it seemed so obvious that there should be an animated science fiction show set in the future. And one of the reasons why it's not, I learned, is that it's really really difficult. Science fiction as comedy is tough to pull off, because so much science fiction is about genre and less about character. Which is one of the traditional criticisms of science fiction, that it's weak on character. The jokes are just a little harder [to write].
** [[w:Matt Groening|Matt Groening]], [http://articles.latimes.com/2013/jul/24/entertainment/la-et-st-futurama-groening-interview-part-two-20130719/2 &quot;'Futurama' ends: The Matt Groening interview, Part 2&quot;] by Robert Lloyd, (July 24, 2013).

==Cast==
'''Main Cast'''
* Billy West: Philip J. Fry, Professor Farnsworth, Zapp Brannigan, Dr. Zoidberg, [[Richard Nixon]], Leo Wong, various
* Katey Sagal: Turanga Leela
* [[John DiMaggio]]: Bender, Flexo, Robot Santa, Elzar, Barbados Slim, Joey Mousepad, Randy, Sal, Url, various
* Lauren Tom: Amy Wong, Inez Wong, various
* Phil LaMarr: Hermes Conrad, &quot;Bubblegum&quot; Tate, Preacherbot, various
* Maurice LaMarche: Lrrr, Morbo, Calculon, Kif, Clamps, Hedonism Bot, Hyper-Chicken, Walt, Donbot, various
* David Herman: Scruffy, Dr. Wernstrom, Mayor Poopenmeyer, Larry, Dwayne, Roberto, Turanga Morris, various
* Tress MacNeille: Mom, Hattie McDoogal, Linda van Schoonhoven, Ndnd, Petunia, Monique, Tinny Tim, Turanga Munda, various

'''Supporting Cast'''
* Phil Hendrie: Waterfall family
* [[Tom Kenny]]: Yancy Fry, Jr., Abner Doubledeal, various
* Dawnn Lewis: LaBarbara Conrad
* Kath Soucie: Cubert Farnsworth, various
* [[Frank Welker]]: Nibbler, various animals and aliens
* Bumper Robinson: Dwight Conrad

'''Frequent Guest Stars'''
* Dan Castellaneta: Robot Devil
* Coolio: Kwanzaa-Bot
* [[Al Gore]]: Himself
* [[Stephen Hawking]]: Himself
* [[Leonard Nimoy]]: Himself
* [[George Takei]]: Himself
* Nicole St. John: Sally

==Films==
* ''[[Futurama: Bender's Big Score]]''
* ''[[Futurama: The Beast with a Billion Backs]]''
* ''[[Futurama: Bender's Game]]''
* ''[[Futurama: Into the Wild Green Yonder]]''

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0149460|title=Futurama}}
* [https://twitter.com/QuotesFuturama Futurama Quotes on Twitter]

[[Category:Futurama]]
[[Category:1990s American adult animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American adult animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American adult animated TV shows]]
[[Category:1990s American comedy-drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American comedy-drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American comedy-drama TV shows]]
[[Category:1990s American science fiction TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American science fiction TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American science fiction TV shows]]
[[Category:1990s American sitcoms]]
[[Category:2000s American sitcoms]]
[[Category:2010s American sitcoms]]
[[Category:1990s American workplace comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American workplace comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American workplace comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American animated sitcoms]]
[[Category:Traditionally adult animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American adult animated adventure TV shows]]
[[Category:American adult animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American adult animated drama TV shows]]
[[Category:American adult animated science fiction TV shows]]
[[Category:American comic science fiction TV shows]]
[[Category:Animated space adventure TV shows]]
[[Category:Time travel TV shows]]
[[Category:TV shows revived after cancellation]]
[[Category:Comedy Central shows]]
[[Category:FOX shows]]
[[Category:Hulu shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about extraterrestrial life]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about robots]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Television series by Fox Television Animation]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Charles Lindbergh</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>1696</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147423</id>
      <parentid>3134956</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T13:35:42Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2001:1388:660:D4AC:9520:5D2B:ACC1:FD5F</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Quotes */</comment>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="35787" xml:space="preserve">[[File:C.A.Lindberg.jpg|thumb|[[Life]] — a culmination of the [[past]], an [[awareness]] of the [[present]], an indication of a [[future]] beyond [[knowledge]], the [[quality]] that gives a touch of [[divinity]] to matter.]]
'''[[w:Charles Lindbergh|Charles Augustus Lindbergh II]]''' ([[4 February]] [[1902]] – [[26 August]] [[1974]]) was an American aviator, author, inventor, military officer, explorer, and social activist who rose to fame after he piloted the first solo non-stop flight across the Atlantic Ocean in 1927. An isolationist prior to the US entry into World War II, and in later years an environmental activist, he was the husband of [[Anne Morrow Lindbergh]].

== Quotes == 
[[File:Charles Lindbergh and the Spirit of Saint Louis (Crisco restoration, with wings).jpg|thumb|Our [[ideals]], [[laws]] and [[customs]] should be based on the proposition that each generation, in turn, becomes the custodian rather than the absolute owner of our resources and each generation has the obligation to pass this inheritance on to the [[future]].]]
[[File:Pearl Harbor wide view attack.jpg|thumb|Now, all that I feared would happen has happened. We are at [[war]] all over the [[world]], and we are unprepared for it from either a [[spiritual]] or a material standpoint...]]
[[File:NordhausenApril1945.jpg|thumb|Here was a place where [[men]] and [[life]] and [[death]] had reached the lowest form of degradation. How could any reward in [[national]] [[progress]] even faintly justify the establishment and operation of such a place?]]
[[File:Nagasakibomb.jpg|thumb|It is not the willingness to kill on the part of our soldiers which most concerns me. That is an inherent part of [[war]]. It is our lack of [[respect]] for even the admirable characteristics of our [[enemy]]... We hold his examples of atrocity screamingly to the heavens while we cover up our own and condone them as just retribution for his acts.]]
[[File:Hiroshima aftermath.jpg|thumb|I have seen the [[science]] I worshiped, and the aircraft I loved, destroying the [[civilization]] I expected them to serve.]]
[[File:SwansCygnus olor.jpg|thumb|If I had to choose, I would rather have [[birds]] than airplanes.]]
[[File:Trees and sunshine.JPG|thumb|In wilderness I sense the [[miracle]] of [[life]], and behind it our [[scientific]] accomplishments fade to trivia.]]
[[File:Swan in Sunshine - Tierpark Olderdissen.jpg|thumb| [[Life]] is like a landscape. You live in the midst of it but can describe it only from the vantage point of distance.]]

* '''The readiness to blame a dead pilot for an accident is nauseating, but it has been the tendency ever since I can remember. What pilot has not been in positions where he was in danger and where perfect judgment would have advised against going?''' But when a man is caught in such a position he is judged only by his error and seldom given credit for the times he has extricated himself from worse situations. Worst of all, blame is heaped upon him by other pilots, all of whom have been in parallel situations themselves, but without being caught in them. '''If one took no chances, one would not fly at all. Safety lies in the judgment of the chances one takes. That judgment, in turn, must rest upon one's outlook on life. Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a mountain in fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside than in bed. Why should we look for his errors when a brave man dies? Unless we can learn from his experience, there is no need to look for weakness. Rather, we should admire the courage and spirit in his life. What kind of man would live where there is no daring? And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure? Is there a better way to die?'''
**  Journal entry (26 August 1938); later published in ''The Wartime Journals'' (1970)

* Walked to Bill Castle's home at 6:00 — about ten minutes from the Anchorage. Fulton Lewis was the only other person there. The three of us had dinner together and discussed the European situation and the action this country should take if war breaks out over there. We are disturbed about the effect of the Jewish influence in our press, radio and motion pictures. It may become very serious. Lewis told us of one instance where the Jewish advertising firms threatened to remove all their advertising from the Mutual system if a certain feature were permitted to go on the air. The threat was powerful enough to have the feature removed.
** Journal entry (23 August 1939); later published in ''The Wartime Journals'' (1970)

* The pressure for war is high and mounting. The people are opposed to it, but the Administration seems to have ‘the bit in its teeth’ and is hell-bent on its way to war. Most of the Jewish interests in the country are behind war, and they control a huge part of our press and radio and most of our motion pictures. There are the ‘intellectuals’ and the ‘Anglophiles,’ and the British agents who are allowed free rein, the international financial interests, and many others.
** Journal entry (1 May 1941); later published in ''The Wartime Journals'' (1970)

* Shall we now give up the independence we have won, and crusade abroad in a utopian attempt to force our ideas on the rest of the world; or shall we use air power, and the other advances of modern warfare, to guard and strengthen the independence of our nation?
** A speech on “Air Power” (29 August 1941)

* The three most important groups who have been pressing this country toward war are the British, the Jewish, and the Roosevelt Administration.Instead of agitating for war, Jews in this country should be opposing it in every way, for they will be the first to feel its consequences. Their greatest danger to this country lies in their large ownership and influence in our motion pictures, our press, our radio and our government.
** Speech in Des Moines, Iowa lobbying for American isolationism (11 September 1941)

* '''Now, all that I feared would happen has happened. We are at war all over the world, and we are unprepared for it from either a spiritual or a material standpoint. Fortunately, in spite of all that has been said, the oceans are still difficult to cross; and we have the time to adjust and prepare...''' We can, of course, be raided; but unless we let ourselves go completely to pieces internally, we cannot be invaded successfully. &lt;br&gt; But this is only one part of the picture. We are in a war which requires us to attack if we are to win it. We must attack in Asia and in Europe, in fact, all over the world. That means raising and equipping an army of many millions and building shipping, which we have not now got. And after that, if we are to carry through our present war aims, it probably means the bloodiest and most devastating war of all history.
** Journal entry (11 December 1941); later published in ''The Wartime Journals'' (1970)

* We talk about spreading democracy and freedom all over the world, but they are to us words rather than conditions. We haven't even got them here in America, and the farther we get into this war the farther we get away from democracy and freedom. Where is it leading us to, and when will it end? The war might stop this winter, but that is improbable. It may go on for fifty years or more. That also is improbable. The elements are too conflicting and confused to form any accurate judgment of its length. '''There may be a series of wars, one after another, going on indefinitely. &lt;br&gt;[[Possibly]] the world will come to its senses sooner than I expect. But, as I have often said, the environment of human life has changed more rapidly and more extensively in recent years than it has ever changed before. When environment changes, there must be a corresponding change in life. That change must be so great that it is not likely to be completed in a decade or in a generation.'''
** Journal entry (11 December 1941); later published in ''The Wartime Journals'' (1970)

* '''Here was a place where men and life and death had reached the lowest form of degradation. How could any reward in national progress even faintly justify the establishment and operation of such a place? '''
** After visiting the [[w:Mittelbau-Dora|Mittelbau-Dora]] concentration camp in Germany, as quoted in [http://www.nytimes.com/books/98/09/27/specials/lindbergh-jews.html ''The New York Times'' (20 April 1980)]

* The intense artillery fire has stripped the trees of leaves and branches so that the outline of the coral ridge itself can be seen silhouetted against the sky. Since I have been on Owi Island, at irregular intervals through the night and day, the sound of our artillery bombarding this Japanese stronghold has floated in across the water. This afternoon, I stood on the cliff outside our quarters (not daring to sit on the ground because of the danger of typhus) and watched the shells bursting on the ridge. For weeks that handful of Japanese soldiers, variously estimated at between 250 and 700 men, has been holding out against overwhelming odds and the heaviest bombardment our well-supplied guns can give them. &lt;br&gt; If positions were reversed and our troops held out so courageously and well, their defense would be recorded as one of the most glorious examples of tenacity, bravery, and sacrifice in the history of our nation. But, sitting in the security and relative luxury of our quarters, I listen to American Army officers refer to these Japanese soldiers as &quot;yellow sons of bitches.&quot; Their desire is to exterminate the Jap ruthlessly, even cruelly. I have not heard a word of respect or compassion spoken of our enemy since I came here. &lt;br&gt;'''It is not the willingness to kill on the part of our soldiers which most concerns me. That is an inherent part of war. It is our lack of respect for even the admirable characteristics of our enemy — for courage, for suffering, for death, for his willingness to die for his beliefs, for his companies and squadrons which go forth, one after another, to annihilation against our superior training and equipment. What is courage for us is fanaticism for him. We hold his examples of atrocity screamingly to the heavens while we cover up our own and condone them as just retribution for his acts.'''
** Journal entry (21 July 1944); later published in ''The Wartime Journals'' (1970)

* What the German has done to the Jew in Europe, we are doing to the Jap in the Pacific.
** Journal entry (21 July 1944)

* It was a love of the air and sky and flying, the lure of adventure, the appreciation of beauty. It lay beyond the descriptive words of men — where immortality is touched through danger, where life meets death on equal plane; where man is more than man, and existence both supreme and valueless at the same time.
** Thoughts on his first parachute jump in ''The Spirit of St Louis''  (1953)

* '''Life — a culmination of the past, an awareness of the present, an indication of a future beyond knowledge, the quality that gives a touch of divinity to matter.'''
** &quot;Is Civilization Progress?&quot; in ''Reader's Digest '' (July 1964)

* '''If I had to choose, I would rather have birds than airplanes.'''
** &quot;Is Civilization Progress?&quot; in ''Reader's Digest '' (July 1964)

* '''I have seen the science I worshiped, and the aircraft I loved, destroying the civilization I expected them to serve.'''
** ''Of Flight and Life'' (1948)

* '''The wild world is the human world.''' Having evolved in it for millions of centuries, we are not far removed by a cloth of civilization. It is packed into our genes. '''In fact, the more power-driven, complex and delicate our civilization becomes, the more likelihood arises that a collapse will force us back to wildness.''' There is in wildness a natural wisdom that shapes all Earth's experiments with life. Can we tap this wisdom without experiencing the agony of reverting to wildness? Can we combine it with intellectual developments of which we feel so proud, use it to redirect our modern trends before they lead to a worse breakdown than past civilizations have experienced? I believe we can, and that to do so we must learn from the primitive.
** &quot;The Wisdom of Wilderness&quot; in ''LIFE'' (22 December 1967)

* ...'''An overemphasis of science weakens human character and upset's life's essential balance. Science breeds technology. Technology leads to infinite complication.''' Examples are everywhere: in the intricacy of government and in that of business corporations: in automation and labor relations; in war, diplomacy, taxation, legislation, in almost every field of modern man's routine. From the growth of cities to that of military power, from medical requirements to social-welfare benefits, '''when progress is plotted against time, exponential curves result with which we cannot long conform. But what action should scientific man prescribe as a result of the curves he plots? How is their direction to be changed without another breakdown and return to wildness? Suppose technologists conclude theoretically that they are destroying their own culture. Are they capable of taking effective action to prevent such destruction?'''&lt;br&gt;
'''The failures of previous civilizations, and the crises existing for our own, show that man has not evolved the ability to cope with limitless complication.''' He has not discovered how to control his sciences' parabolas. Here I believe '''the human intellect can learn from primitive nature, for nature was conceived in cosmic power and thrives on infinite complication. No problem has been too difficult for it to solve. From the dynamics of an atom, nature produces the tranquility of a flower, the joy of a porpoise, the intellect of man–the miracle of life.'''&lt;br&gt;
'''In wilderness I sense the miracle of life, and behind it our scientific accomplishments fade to trivia.''' The construction of an analogue computer or a supersonic airplane is simple when compared to the mixture of space and evolutionary eons represented by a cell. '''In primitive rather than in civilized surroundings I grow aware of man's evolving status, as though I were suddenly released from a hypnotic state. Life itself becomes the standard of all judgement.''' How could I have overlooked, even momentarily, such an obvious fact?
** &quot;The Wisdom of Wilderness&quot; in ''LIFE'' (22 December 1967)

* '''Our ideals, laws and customs should be based on the proposition that each generation, in turn, becomes the custodian rather than the absolute owner of our resources and each generation has the obligation to pass this inheritance on to the future.'''
** ''New York Times Magazine'' (23 May 1971)

* Man must feel the earth to know himself and recognize his values... '''God made life simple. It is man who complicates it.'''
** As quoted in ''Reader's Digest'' (July 1972)

* '''I realized that the future of aviation, to which I had devoted so much of my life, depended less on the perfection of aircraft than on preserving the epoch-evolved environment of life, and that this was true of all technological progress.'''
** Forword to ''The Gentle Tasady : A Stone Age People in the Philippine Rain Forest'' (1975) by John Nance, a book on the [[w:Tasaday|Tasaday]] of Mindanao (7 April 1974)

* I owned the world that hour as I rode over it... free of the earth, free of the mountains, free of the clouds, but how inseparably I was bound to them.
** On flying over the Rocky Mountains, as quoted in ''Lindbergh'' (1978) by Leonard Mosley

* '''Living in dreams of yesterday, we find ourselves still dreaming of impossible future conquest...'''
** As quoted in ''Lindbergh'' (1998) by [[w:A. Scott Berg|A. Scott Berg]], p. 3

* Real freedom lies in wildness, not in civilization.
** As quoted in ''Lindbergh'' (1998) by A. Scott Berg, p. 510

* Is he alone who has courage on his right hand and faith on his left hand?
** As quoted in ''1927'' (2000) by Robert P. Fitton

* What kind of man would live where there is no danger? I don't believe in taking foolish chances. But nothing can be accomplished by not taking a chance at all.
** As quoted in ''Lindbergh: Flight's Enigmatic Hero'' (2002) by Von Hardesty

* '''Life is like a landscape. You live in the midst of it but can describe it only from the vantage point of distance.'''
** As quoted in ''Lindbergh: Flight's Enigmatic Hero'' (2002) by Von Hardesty

=== Aviation, Geography, and Race (1939) ===
[[File:Heinkel He 111 during the Battle of Britain 2.jpg|thumb|Air power is new to all our countries. It brings advantages to some and weakens others; it calls for readjustment everywhere.]]
[[File:Missouri-flyover.jpg|thumb|The forces of [[Hannibal]], [[Francis Drake|Drake]] and [[Napoleon]] moved at best with the horses' gallop or the speed of wind on sail. Now, aviation brings a new concept of time and distance to the affairs of men.]]
:&lt;small&gt;''Reader's Digest'' (November 1939), pp. 64-67&lt;/small&gt;

* '''Aviation has struck a delicately balanced world, a world where stability was already giving way to the pressure of new dynamic forces, a world dominated by a mechanical, materialist, Western European civilization.'''

* Aviation seems almost a gift from heaven to those Western nations who were already the leaders of their era, strengthening their leadership, their confidence, their dominance over other peoples. It is a tool specially shaped for Western hands, a scientific art which others only copy in a mediocre fashion; another barrier between the teeming millions of Asia and the Grecian inheritance of Europe — one of those priceless possessions which permit the White race to live at all in a pressing sea of Yellow, Black, and Brown.

* A great industrial nation may conquer the world in the span of a single life, but its Achilles' heel is time. Its children, what of them? The second and third generations, of what numbers and stuff will they be? '''How long can men thrive between walls of brick, walking on asphalt pavements, breathing the fumes of coal and of oil, growing, working, dying, with hardly a thought of wind, and sky, and fields of grain, seeing only machine-made beauty, the mineral-like quality of life.''' This is our modern danger — one of the waxen wings of flight. It may cause our civilization to fall unless we act quickly to counteract it, unless we realize that human character is more important than efficiency, that education consists of more than the mere accumulation of knowledge.

* '''Air power is new to all our countries. It brings advantages to some and weakens others; it calls for readjustment everywhere.''' &lt;br&gt; If only there were some way to measure the changing character of men, some yardstick to reapportion influence among the nations, some way to demonstrate in peace the strength of arms in war. But with all of its dimensions, its clocks, and weights, and figures, science fails us when we ask a measure for the rights of men. They cannot be judged by numbers, by distance, weight, or time; or by counting heads without a thought of what may lie within. Those intangible qualities of character, such as courage, faith, and skill, evade all systems, slip through the bars of every cage. They can be recognized, but not measured.

* '''The forces of [[Hannibal]], [[Francis Drake|Drake]] and [[Napoleon]] moved at best with the horses' gallop or the speed of wind on sail. Now, aviation brings a new concept of time and distance to the affairs of men. It demands adaptability to change, places a premium on quickness of thought and speed of action.''' &lt;br&gt; Military strength has become more dynamic and less tangible. A new alignment of power has taken place, and there is no adequate peacetime measure for its effect on the influence of nations. There seems no way to agree on the rights it brings to some and takes from others.

* Our civilization depends on peace among Western nations, and therefore on united strength, for Peace is a virgin who dare not show her face without Strength, her father, for protection. We can have peace and security only so long as we band together to preserve that most priceless possession, our inheritance of European blood, only so long as we guard ourselves against attack by foreign armies and dilution by foreign races. &lt;br&gt; We need peace to let our best men live to work out those more subtle, but equally dangerous, problems brought by this new environment in which we dwell, to give us time to turn this materialistic trend, to stop prostrating ourselves before this modern idol of mechanical efficiency, to find means of combining freedom, spirit, and beauty with industrial life — a peace which will bring character, strength, and security back to Western peoples.

=== ''Autobiography of Values'' (1978) ===
[[File:Charles Lindbergh, wearing helmet with goggles up.jpg|thumb|In some [[future]] incarnation from our [[life]] stream, we may even [[understand]] the [[reason]] for our [[existence]] in forms of [[earthly]] life. The [[growing]] [[knowledge]] of [[science]] does not refute man's [[intuition]] of the [[Mysticism|mystical]]. Whether outwardly or inwardly, whether in [[space]] or in [[time]], the farther we penetrate the unknown, the vaster and more [[marvelous]] it becomes.]]
[[File:Robot Arm Over Earth with Sunburst - GPN-2000-001097.jpg|thumb|After my [[death]], the molecules of my being will return to the [[earth]] and [[sky]]. They came from the [[stars]]. I am of the stars.]]

* In some [[future]] incarnation from our [[life]] stream, we may even [[understand]] the [[reason]] for our [[existence]] in forms of [[earthly]] life. '''The [[growing]] [[knowledge]] of [[science]] does not refute man's [[intuition]] of the [[Mysticism|mystical]]. Whether outwardly or inwardly, whether in [[space]] or in [[time]], the farther we penetrate the unknown, the vaster and more [[marvelous]] it becomes.''' Only in the twentieth century do we realize that space is not empty, that it is packed with energy; it may be existence's source. Then, if space has produced existence and the form of man, can we deduce from it a form for [[God]]?

* '''I know myself as [[mortal]], but this raises the question: &quot;What is I?&quot; Am I an individual, or am I an [[evolving]] life stream composed of countless [[selves]]?''' ... As one [[identity]], I was born in AD 1902. But as AD twentieth-century man, I am billions of years old. The life I consider as myself has existed though past eons with unbroken continuity. Individuals are custodians of the life stream — temporal manifestations of far greater being, forming from and returning to their essence like so many dreams. ... '''I recall standing on the edge of a deep valley in the [[Hawaiian]] [[island]] of [[w:Maui|Maui]], thinking that the life stream is like a [[mountain]] [[river]] — springing from hidden sources, born out of the [[earth]], touched by [[stars]], merging, blending, evolving in the shape [[momentarily]] seen.''' It is [[molecules]] probing through time, found smooth-flowing, adjusted to shaped and shaping banks, roiled by [[rocks]] and [[tree]] trunks — composed again. Now it [[ends]], [[apparently]], at a lava brink, a precipitous fall. &lt;br /&gt; Near the fall's brink, I saw [[death]] as death cannot be seen. '''I stared at the very end of life, and at life that forms beyond, at the [[fact]] of [[immortality]].''' [[Dark]] [[water]] bent, broke, disintegrated, transformed to apparition — a tall, stately [[ghost]] [[soul]] emerged from [[body]], and the finite [[individuality]] of the [[whole]] becomes the [[infinite]] individuality of particles. Mist drifted, disappeared in [[air]], a vanishing of [[spirit]]. Far below in the valley, I saw another river, reincarnated from the first, its particles reorganized to form a second body. It carried the same [[name]]. It was similar in appearance. It also ended at a lava brink. '''Flow followed fall, and fall followed flow as I descended the mountainside. The river was mortal and immortal as life, as becoming.'''

* '''I grow aware of various forms of man and of myself. I am form and I am formless, I am life and I am matter, mortal and immortal. I am one and many — myself and [[humanity]] in flux.''' I extend a multiple of ways in experience in space. I am myself now, lying on my back in the jungle grass, passing through the ether between satellites and stars. '''My aging body transmits an ageless life stream.''' Molecular and atomic replacement change life's composition. Molecules take part in structure and in training, countless trillions of them. '''After my [[death]], the molecules of my being will return to the [[earth]] and [[sky]]. They came from the [[stars]]. I am of the stars.'''

== Quotes about Lindbergh ==
[[File:Spirit of St. Louis.jpg|thumb|A [[friend]] of the first man to fly an airplane, Lindbergh [[lived]] long enough in a fast-moving [[world]] to befriend the first man to walk on the [[moon]]. ~ [[w:A.Scott Berg|A.Scott Berg]] ]]
[[File:Bourget-statue.jpg|thumb|As the first American airman to exhibit &quot;the right stuff,&quot; Lindbergh inspired his country's first astronauts by sheer example.]]
[[File:Arco iris circular.JPG|thumb|Charles is [[life]] itself — pure life, force, like sunlight — and it is for this that I married him and this that holds me to him — caring always, caring desperately what happens to him and whatever he happens to be involved in. ~ [[Anne Morrow Lindbergh]] ]]
[[File:Anne Lindbergh and son Charles Jr, mother, and grandmother cph.3b19303u.jpg|thumb| He never wanted to be regarded as a [[hero]] or [[leader]], and he never had [[political]] [[ambitions]]. ~ [[Anne Morrow Lindbergh]] ]]

* '''Lindbergh's arrival in [[Paris]] became the defining moment of his life, that event on which all his future actions hinged''' — as though they were but a predestined series of equal but opposite reactions, fraught with irony... In the spring of 1927, Lindbergh had been too consumed by what he called &quot;the single objective of landing my plane at Paris&quot; to have considered its aftermath. &quot;To plan beyond that had seemed an act of arrogance I could not afford,&quot; he would later write. '''Even if he had thought farther ahead, however, he could never have predicted the unprecedented global response to his arrival.''' &lt;br&gt; By that year, radio, telephones, radiographs, and the Bartlane Cable Process could transmit images and voices around the world within seconds. What was more, motion pictures had just mastered the synchronization of sound, allowing dramatic moments to be preserved in all their glory and distributed worldwide. '''For the first time all of civilization could share as one the sights and sounds of an event — almost instantaneously and simultaneously. And in this unusually good-looking, young aviator — of apparently impeccable character — the new technology found its first superstar.'''&lt;br&gt;The reception in Paris was only a harbinger of the unprecedented worship people would pay Lindbergh for years. Without either belittling or aggrandizing the importance of his flight, he considered it part of the continuum of human endeavor, and that he was, after all, only a man. The public saw more than that... '''Universally admired, Charles Lindbergh became the most celebrated living person ever to walk the earth.'''
** [[w:A. Scott Berg|A. Scott Berg]] in ''Lindbergh'' (1998)

* As the first American airman to exhibit &quot;the right stuff,&quot; Lindbergh inspired his country's first astronauts by sheer example. But more than that, he was — unknown to the public — the man most responsible for securing the funding that underwrote the research of Dr. [[w:Robert H. Goddard|Robert H. Goddard]], the inventor of the modern rocket. '''A friend of the first man to fly an airplane, Lindbergh lived long enough in a fast-moving world to befriend the first man to walk on the moon.'''
** A. Scott Berg in ''Lindbergh'' (1998)

* '''Lindbergh believed all the elements of the earth and heavens are connected, through space and time.''' The configurations of molecules in each moment help create the next. Thus he considered his defining moment just another step in the development of aviation and exploration — a summit built on all those that preceded it and a springboard to all those that would follow. '''Only by looking back, Lindbergh believed, could mankind move forward. &quot;In some future incarnation from our life stream,&quot; he wrote in later years, &quot;we may understand the reason for our existence in forms of earthly life.&quot; '''
** A. Scott Berg in ''Lindbergh'' (1998)

* No source, however, captures the war hates and war crimes of this merciless struggle more soberly than Charles Lindbergh's diary. For over four months in mid-1944, Lindbergh lived and flew as a civilian observer with U.S. forces based in New Guinea, and as the weeks passed he became deeply troubled, not by the willingness to kill on the part of the soldiers, which he accepted as an inherent part of the war, but by the utter contempt in which Allied fighting men held their Japanese adversaries. The famous &quot;Lone Eagle,&quot; whose isolationist sentiments had placed him among the conservative opponents of President Roosevelt's policies, really hearkened back to what [J. Glenn Gray] has called the more chivalrous tradition of the professional militarist, who accepts the necessity of war while maintaining respect for his adversaries, recognizing courage as courage and duty as duty, irrespective of the uniform worn. Lindbergh found no such sentiments among the Allied forces in the Pacific, where officers and enlisted men alike saw the enemy simply as animals and &quot;yellow sons of bitches,&quot; and his detailed journal may be the most forthright firsthand account available of the &quot;other&quot; side of the Pacific War.
** John W. Dower, ''War Without Mercy: Race &amp; Power in the Pacific War'' (1986), p. 69

* On May 18, 1944, about two weeks after Lindbergh had tied in with a Marine unit, he recorded that the camps were full of reports of Japanese torture and the beheading of captured American pilots. A month later, on June 21, he summarized the conversation of an American general who told how an unsuspecting Japanese prisoner was given a cigarette and then seized from behind and had his throat &quot;slit from ear to ear&quot; as a demonstration of how to kill Japanese. Lindbergh's objections were met with tolerant scorn and pity.
** John W. Dower, ''War Without Mercy: Race &amp; Power in the Pacific War'' (1986), p. 69-70

* On August 30, Lindbergh visited Tarawa, recalled the terrible casualties there, and told of a naval officer who lined up the few Japanese captured, kept those who could speak English for questioning, and had the rest killed. In early September, he noted that on some islands Marines actually dug up dead bodies in their search for gold teeth. Elsewhere they collected noses as well as ears, teeth, and skulls. When Lindbergh finally left the Pacific islands and cleared customs in Hawaii, he was asked if he had any bones in his baggage. It was, he was told, a routine question.
** John W. Dower, ''War Without Mercy: Race &amp; Power in the Pacific War'' (1986), p. 71

* '''Charles is life itself — pure life, force, like sunlight — and it is for this that I married him and this that holds me to him''' — caring always, caring desperately what happens to him and whatever he happens to be involved in.
** [[Anne Morrow Lindbergh]] in ''War Within and Without'' (1980)

* '''Charles was a stubborn Swede, you know, and he himself never felt the need to explain his feelings about where he stood and about past statements.''' But I feel free now to elaborate on his actual attitudes. '''He never wanted to be regarded as a [[hero]] or [[leader]], and he never had [[political]] [[ambitions]].''' His prewar isolationist speeches were given in all [[sincerity]] for what he thought was the good of the country and the world. ... He was accused of being anti-Semetic, but in the 45 years I lived with him I never heard him make a remark against the [[Jews]], not a crack or joke, and neither did any of our children.
** [[Anne Morrow Lindbergh]] in [http://www.nytimes.com/books/98/09/27/specials/lindbergh-jews.html ''The New York Times'' (20 April 1980)]

* '''No one I know of has foreseen an [[America]] like the one we live in today.''' No one (except perhaps the acidic [[H. L. Mencken]], who famously described American democracy as “the worship of jackals by jackasses”) could have imagined that the 21st-century catastrophe to befall the U.S.A., the most debasing of disasters, would appear not, say, in the terrifying guise of an [[Orwellian]] Big Brother but in the ominously ridiculous ''[[w:Commedia dell'arte|commedia dell’arte]]'' figure of the boastful buffoon. How naïve I was in 1960 to think that I was an American living in preposterous times! How quaint! But then what could I know in 1960 of 1963 or 1968 or 1974 or 2001 or 2016? ... However prescient ''[[w:The Plot Against America|The Plot Against America]]'' might seem to you, there is surely one enormous difference between the political circumstances I invent there for the U.S. in 1940 and the political calamity that dismays us so today. It's the difference in stature between a President Lindbergh and a President Trump. '''Charles Lindbergh, in life as in my novel, may have been a genuine [[racist]] and an [[anti-Semite]] and a white supremacist sympathetic to [[Fascism]], but he was also — because of the extraordinary feat of his solo trans-Atlantic flight at the age of 25 — an authentic American [[hero]] 13 years before I have him winning the presidency. ... Trump, by comparison, is a massive fraud, the evil sum of his deficiencies, devoid of everything but the hollow [[ideology]] of a megalomaniac.'''
** [[Philip Roth]], comparing Lindbergh's leadership of an &quot;[[w:America First (policy)|America First]]&quot; movement with that of [[Donald Trump]], in responses to being asked about foreseeing an America such as now exists in his earlier writings, including his alternate-history novel ''[[w:The Plot Against America|The Plot Against America]]'' (2004) where Lindbergh defeats [[FDR]] for the presidency in 1940, as quoted in  [https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/16/books/review/philip-roth-interview.html &quot;No Longer Writing, Philip Roth Still Has Plenty to Say&quot; by Charles Mcgrath, in ''The New York Times'' (16 January 2018)]

* The people of England are about finished with him. Americans are beginning to feel the same way, and the halo of hero worship around Lindbergh's head is getting pretty well tarnished.
** New Jersey Attorney General David P. Wilentz (December 1936), quoted in ''Radio and the Jews: The Untold Story of How Radio Influenced the Image of Jews'' (2007) by David S. Siegel and Susan Siegel, p. 45

==External links== 
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* [http://www.lindberghfoundation.org/history/calbio.html Brief biography at the Lindbergh Foundation]
* [http://www.nytimes.com/books/98/09/27/specials/lindbergh.html?_r=1&amp;oref=slogin Articles on Lindbergh at ''The New York Times'']
* [http://www.charleslindbergh.com CharlesLindbergh.com]
*[http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/entertainment/jan-june99/pulitzer_4-23.html Interview with A. Scott Berg about his Lindbergh biography]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Lindbergh, Charles}}

[[Category:Aviators from the United States]]
[[Category:1902 births]]
[[Category:1974 deaths]]
[[Category:Inventors]]
[[Category:Activists from the United States]]
[[Category:Anti-war activists]]
[[Category:Social activists]]
[[Category:Anti-communists from the United States]]
[[Category:Explorers from the United States]]
[[Category:Environmentalists]]
[[Category:Nationalists]]
[[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]]
[[Category:People from Detroit]]</text>
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      <text bytes="35785" xml:space="preserve">[[File:C.A.Lindberg.jpg|thumb|[[Life]] — a culmination of the [[past]], an [[awareness]] of the [[present]], an indication of a [[future]] beyond [[knowledge]], the [[quality]] that gives a touch of [[divinity]] to matter.]]
'''[[w:Charles Lindbergh|Charles Augustus Lindbergh II]]''' ([[4 February]] [[1902]] – [[26 August]] [[1974]]) was an American aviator, author, inventor, military officer, explorer, and social activist who rose to fame after he piloted the first solo non-stop flight across the Atlantic Ocean in 1927. An isolationist prior to the US entry into World War II, and in later years an environmental activist, he was the husband of [[Anne Morrow Lindbergh]].

== Quotes == 
[[File:Charles Lindbergh and the Spirit of Saint Louis (Crisco restoration, with wings).jpg|thumb|Our [[ideals]], [[laws]] and [[customs]] should be based on the proposition that each generation, in turn, becomes the custodian rather than the absolute owner of our resources and each generation has the obligation to pass this inheritance on to the [[future]].]]
[[File:Pearl Harbor wide view attack.jpg|thumb|Now, all that I feared would happen has happened. We are at [[war]] all over the [[world]], and we are unprepared for it from either a [[spiritual]] or a material standpoint...]]
[[File:NordhausenApril1945.jpg|thumb|Here was a place where [[men]] and [[life]] and [[death]] had reached the lowest form of degradation. How could any reward in [[national]] [[progress]] even faintly justify the establishment and operation of such a place?]]
[[File:Nagasakibomb.jpg|thumb|It is not the willingness to kill on the part of our soldiers which most concerns me. That is an inherent part of [[war]]. It is our lack of [[respect]] for even the admirable characteristics of our [[enemy]]... We hold his examples of atrocity screamingly to the heavens while we cover up our own and condone them as just retribution for his acts.]]
[[File:Hiroshima aftermath.jpg|thumb|I have seen the [[science]] I worshiped, and the aircraft I loved, destroying the [[civilization]] I expected them to serve.]]
[[File:SwansCygnus olor.jpg|thumb|If I had to choose, I would rather have [[birds]] than airplanes.]]
[[File:Trees and sunshine.JPG|thumb|In wilderness I sense the [[miracle]] of [[life]], and behind it our [[scientific]] accomplishments fade to trivia.]]
[[File:Swan in Sunshine - Tierpark Olderdissen.jpg|thumb| [[Life]] is like a landscape. You live in the midst of it but can describe it only from the vantage point of distance.]]

* '''The readiness to blame a dead pilot for an accident is nauseating, but it has been the tendency ever since I can remember. What pilot has not been in positions where he was in danger and where perfect judgment would have advised against going?''' But when a man is caught in such a position he is judged only by his error and seldom given credit for the times he has extricated himself from worse situations. Worst of all, blame is heaped upon him by other pilots, all of whom have been in parallel situations themselves, but without being caught in them. '''If one took no chances, one would not fly at all. Safety lies in the judgment of the chances one takes. That judgment, in turn, must rest upon one's outlook on life. Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a mountain in fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside than in bed. Why should we look for his errors when a brave man dies? Unless we can learn from his experience, there is no need to look for weakness. Rather, we should admire the courage and spirit in his life. What kind of man would live where there is no daring? And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure? Is there a better way to die?'''
**  Journal entry (26 August 1938); later published in ''The Wartime Journals'' (1970)

* Walked to Bill Castle's home at 6:00 — about ten minutes from the Anchorage. Fulton Lewis was the only other person there. The three of us had dinner together and discussed the European situation and the action this country should take if war breaks out over there. We are disturbed about the effect of the Jewish influence in our press, radio and motion pictures. It may become very serious. Lewis told us of one instance where the Jewish advertising firms threatened to remove all their advertising from the Mutual system if a certain feature were permitted to go on the air. The threat was powerful enough to have the feature removed.
** Journal entry (23 August 1939); later published in ''The Wartime Journals'' (1970)

* The pressure for war is high and mounting. The people are opposed to it, but the Administration seems to have ‘the bit in its teeth’ and is hell-bent on its way to war. Most of the Jewish interests in the country are behind war, and they control a huge part of our press and radio and most of our motion pictures. There are the ‘intellectuals’ and the ‘Anglophiles,’ and the British agents who are allowed free rein, the international financial interests, and many others.
** Journal entry (1 May 1941); later published in ''The Wartime Journals'' (1970)

* Shall we now give up the independence we have won, and crusade abroad in a utopian attempt to force our ideas on the rest of the world; or shall we use air power, and the other advances of modern warfare, to guard and strengthen the independence of our nation?
** A speech on “Air Power” (29 August 1941)

* The three most important groups who have been pressing this country toward war are the British, the Jewish, and the Roosevelt Administration.Instead of agitating for war, Jews in this country should be opposing it in every way, for they will be the first to feel its consequences. Their greatest danger to this country lies in their large ownership and influence in our motion pictures, our press, our radio and our government.
** Speech in Des Moines, Iowa lobbying for American isolationism (11 September 1941)

* '''Now, all that I feared would happen has happened. We are at war all over the world, and we are unprepared for it from either a spiritual or a material standpoint. Fortunately, in spite of all that has been said, the oceans are still difficult to cross; and we have the time to adjust and prepare...''' We can, of course, be raided; but unless we let ourselves go completely to pieces internally, we cannot be invaded successfully. &lt;br&gt; But this is only one part of the picture. We are in a war which requires us to attack if we are to win it. We must attack in Asia and in Europe, in fact, all over the world. That means raising and equipping an army of many millions and building shipping, which we have not now got. And after that, if we are to carry through our present war aims, it probably means the bloodiest and most devastating war of all history.
** Journal entry (11 December 1941); later published in ''The Wartime Journals'' (1970)

* We talk about spreading democracy and freedom all over the world, but they are to us words rather than conditions. We haven't even got them here in America, and the farther we get into this war the farther we get away from democracy and freedom. Where is it leading us to, and when will it end? The war might stop this winter, but that is improbable. It may go on for fifty years or more. That also is improbable. The elements are too conflicting and confused to form any accurate judgment of its length. '''There may be a series of wars, one after another, going on indefinitely. &lt;br&gt;[[Possibly]] the world will come to its senses sooner than I expect. But, as I have often said, the environment of human life has changed more rapidly and more extensively in recent years than it has ever changed before. When environment changes, there must be a corresponding change in life. That change must be so great that it is not likely to be completed in a decade or in a generation.'''
** Journal entry (11 December 1941); later published in ''The Wartime Journals'' (1970)

* '''Here was a place where men and life and death had reached the lowest form of degradation. How could any reward in national progress even faintly justify the establishment and operation of such a place? '''
** After visiting the [[w:Mittelbau-Dora|Mittelbau-Dora]] concentration camp in Germany, as quoted in [http://www.nytimes.com/books/98/09/27/specials/lindbergh-jews.html ''The New York Times'' (20 April 1980)]

* The intense artillery fire has stripped the trees of leaves and branches so that the outline of the coral ridge itself can be seen silhouetted against the sky. Since I have been on Owi Island, at irregular intervals through the night and day, the sound of our artillery bombarding this Japanese stronghold has floated in across the water. This afternoon, I stood on the cliff outside our quarters (not daring to sit on the ground because of the danger of typhus) and watched the shells bursting on the ridge. For weeks that handful of Japanese soldiers, variously estimated at between 250 and 700 men, has been holding out against overwhelming odds and the heaviest bombardment our well-supplied guns can give them. &lt;br&gt; If positions were reversed and our troops held out so courageously and well, their defense would be recorded as one of the most glorious examples of tenacity, bravery, and sacrifice in the history of our nation. But, sitting in the security and relative luxury of our quarters, I listen to American Army officers refer to these Japanese soldiers as &quot;yellow sons of bitches.&quot; Their desire is to exterminate the Jap ruthlessly, even cruelly. I have not heard a word of respect or compassion spoken of our enemy since I came here. &lt;br&gt;'''It is not the willingness to kill on the part of our soldiers which most concerns me. That is an inherent part of war. It is our lack of respect for even the admirable characteristics of our enemy — for courage, for suffering, for death, for his willingness to die for his beliefs, for his companies and squadrons which go forth, one after another, to annihilation against our superior training and equipment. What is courage for us is fanaticism for him. We hold his examples of atrocity screamingly to the heavens while we cover up our own and condone them as just retribution for his acts.'''
** Journal entry (21 July 1944); later published in ''The Wartime Journals'' (1970)

* What the German has done to the Jew in Europe, we are doing to the Jap in the Pacific.
** Journal entry (21 July 1944)

* It was a love of the air and sky and flying, the lure of adventure, the appreciation of beauty. It lay beyond the descriptive words of men — where immortality is touched through danger, where life meets death on equal plane; where man is more than man, and existence both supreme and valueless at the same time.
** Thoughts on his first parachute jump in ''The Spirit of St Louis''  (1953)

* '''Life — a culmination of the past, an awareness of the present, an indication of a future beyond knowledge, the quality that gives a touch of divinity to matter.'''
** &quot;Is Civilization Progress?&quot; in ''Reader's Digest '' (July 1964)

* '''If I had to choose, I would rather have birds than airplanes.'''
** &quot;Is Civilization Progress?&quot; in ''Reader's Digest '' (July 1964)

* '''I have seen the science I worshiped, and the aircraft I loved, destroying the civilization I expected them to serve.'''
** ''Of Flight and Life'' (1948)

* '''The wild world is the human world.''' Having evolved in it for millions of centuries, we are not far removed by a cloth of civilization. It is packed into our genes. '''In fact, the more power-driven, complex and delicate our civilization becomes, the more likelihood arises that a collapse will force us back to wildness.''' There is in wildness a natural wisdom that shapes all Earth's experiments with life. Can we tap this wisdom without experiencing the agony of reverting to wildness? Can we combine it with intellectual developments of which we feel so proud, use it to redirect our modern trends before they lead to a worse breakdown than past civilizations have experienced? I believe we can, and that to do so we must learn from the primitive.
** &quot;The Wisdom of Wilderness&quot; in ''LIFE'' (22 December 1967)

* ...'''An overemphasis of science weakens human character and upset's life's essential balance. Science breeds technology. Technology leads to infinite complication.''' Examples are everywhere: in the intricacy of government and in that of business corporations: in automation and labor relations; in war, diplomacy, taxation, legislation, in almost every field of modern man's routine. From the growth of cities to that of military power, from medical requirements to social-welfare benefits, '''when progress is plotted against time, exponential curves result with which we cannot long conform. But what action should scientific man prescribe as a result of the curves he plots? How is their direction to be changed without another breakdown and return to wildness? Suppose technologists conclude theoretically that they are destroying their own culture. Are they capable of taking effective action to prevent such destruction?'''&lt;br&gt;'''The failures of previous civilizations, and the crises existing for our own, show that man has not evolved the ability to cope with limitless complication.''' He has not discovered how to control his sciences' parabolas. Here I believe '''the human intellect can learn from primitive nature, for nature was conceived in cosmic power and thrives on infinite complication. No problem has been too difficult for it to solve. From the dynamics of an atom, nature produces the tranquility of a flower, the joy of a porpoise, the intellect of man–the miracle of life.'''&lt;br&gt;'''In wilderness I sense the miracle of life, and behind it our scientific accomplishments fade to trivia.''' The construction of an analogue computer or a supersonic airplane is simple when compared to the mixture of space and evolutionary eons represented by a cell. '''In primitive rather than in civilized surroundings I grow aware of man's evolving status, as though I were suddenly released from a hypnotic state. Life itself becomes the standard of all judgement.''' How could I have overlooked, even momentarily, such an obvious fact?
** &quot;The Wisdom of Wilderness&quot; in ''LIFE'' (22 December 1967)

* '''Our ideals, laws and customs should be based on the proposition that each generation, in turn, becomes the custodian rather than the absolute owner of our resources and each generation has the obligation to pass this inheritance on to the future.'''
** ''New York Times Magazine'' (23 May 1971)

* Man must feel the earth to know himself and recognize his values... '''God made life simple. It is man who complicates it.'''
** As quoted in ''Reader's Digest'' (July 1972)

* '''I realized that the future of aviation, to which I had devoted so much of my life, depended less on the perfection of aircraft than on preserving the epoch-evolved environment of life, and that this was true of all technological progress.'''
** Forword to ''The Gentle Tasady : A Stone Age People in the Philippine Rain Forest'' (1975) by John Nance, a book on the [[w:Tasaday|Tasaday]] of Mindanao (7 April 1974)

* I owned the world that hour as I rode over it... free of the earth, free of the mountains, free of the clouds, but how inseparably I was bound to them.
** On flying over the Rocky Mountains, as quoted in ''Lindbergh'' (1978) by Leonard Mosley

* '''Living in dreams of yesterday, we find ourselves still dreaming of impossible future conquest...'''
** As quoted in ''Lindbergh'' (1998) by [[w:A. Scott Berg|A. Scott Berg]], p. 3

* Real freedom lies in wildness, not in civilization.
** As quoted in ''Lindbergh'' (1998) by A. Scott Berg, p. 510

* Is he alone who has courage on his right hand and faith on his left hand?
** As quoted in ''1927'' (2000) by Robert P. Fitton

* What kind of man would live where there is no danger? I don't believe in taking foolish chances. But nothing can be accomplished by not taking a chance at all.
** As quoted in ''Lindbergh: Flight's Enigmatic Hero'' (2002) by Von Hardesty

* '''Life is like a landscape. You live in the midst of it but can describe it only from the vantage point of distance.'''
** As quoted in ''Lindbergh: Flight's Enigmatic Hero'' (2002) by Von Hardesty

=== Aviation, Geography, and Race (1939) ===
[[File:Heinkel He 111 during the Battle of Britain 2.jpg|thumb|Air power is new to all our countries. It brings advantages to some and weakens others; it calls for readjustment everywhere.]]
[[File:Missouri-flyover.jpg|thumb|The forces of [[Hannibal]], [[Francis Drake|Drake]] and [[Napoleon]] moved at best with the horses' gallop or the speed of wind on sail. Now, aviation brings a new concept of time and distance to the affairs of men.]]
:&lt;small&gt;''Reader's Digest'' (November 1939), pp. 64-67&lt;/small&gt;

* '''Aviation has struck a delicately balanced world, a world where stability was already giving way to the pressure of new dynamic forces, a world dominated by a mechanical, materialist, Western European civilization.'''

* Aviation seems almost a gift from heaven to those Western nations who were already the leaders of their era, strengthening their leadership, their confidence, their dominance over other peoples. It is a tool specially shaped for Western hands, a scientific art which others only copy in a mediocre fashion; another barrier between the teeming millions of Asia and the Grecian inheritance of Europe — one of those priceless possessions which permit the White race to live at all in a pressing sea of Yellow, Black, and Brown.

* A great industrial nation may conquer the world in the span of a single life, but its Achilles' heel is time. Its children, what of them? The second and third generations, of what numbers and stuff will they be? '''How long can men thrive between walls of brick, walking on asphalt pavements, breathing the fumes of coal and of oil, growing, working, dying, with hardly a thought of wind, and sky, and fields of grain, seeing only machine-made beauty, the mineral-like quality of life.''' This is our modern danger — one of the waxen wings of flight. It may cause our civilization to fall unless we act quickly to counteract it, unless we realize that human character is more important than efficiency, that education consists of more than the mere accumulation of knowledge.

* '''Air power is new to all our countries. It brings advantages to some and weakens others; it calls for readjustment everywhere.''' &lt;br&gt; If only there were some way to measure the changing character of men, some yardstick to reapportion influence among the nations, some way to demonstrate in peace the strength of arms in war. But with all of its dimensions, its clocks, and weights, and figures, science fails us when we ask a measure for the rights of men. They cannot be judged by numbers, by distance, weight, or time; or by counting heads without a thought of what may lie within. Those intangible qualities of character, such as courage, faith, and skill, evade all systems, slip through the bars of every cage. They can be recognized, but not measured.

* '''The forces of [[Hannibal]], [[Francis Drake|Drake]] and [[Napoleon]] moved at best with the horses' gallop or the speed of wind on sail. Now, aviation brings a new concept of time and distance to the affairs of men. It demands adaptability to change, places a premium on quickness of thought and speed of action.''' &lt;br&gt; Military strength has become more dynamic and less tangible. A new alignment of power has taken place, and there is no adequate peacetime measure for its effect on the influence of nations. There seems no way to agree on the rights it brings to some and takes from others.

* Our civilization depends on peace among Western nations, and therefore on united strength, for Peace is a virgin who dare not show her face without Strength, her father, for protection. We can have peace and security only so long as we band together to preserve that most priceless possession, our inheritance of European blood, only so long as we guard ourselves against attack by foreign armies and dilution by foreign races. &lt;br&gt; We need peace to let our best men live to work out those more subtle, but equally dangerous, problems brought by this new environment in which we dwell, to give us time to turn this materialistic trend, to stop prostrating ourselves before this modern idol of mechanical efficiency, to find means of combining freedom, spirit, and beauty with industrial life — a peace which will bring character, strength, and security back to Western peoples.

=== ''Autobiography of Values'' (1978) ===
[[File:Charles Lindbergh, wearing helmet with goggles up.jpg|thumb|In some [[future]] incarnation from our [[life]] stream, we may even [[understand]] the [[reason]] for our [[existence]] in forms of [[earthly]] life. The [[growing]] [[knowledge]] of [[science]] does not refute man's [[intuition]] of the [[Mysticism|mystical]]. Whether outwardly or inwardly, whether in [[space]] or in [[time]], the farther we penetrate the unknown, the vaster and more [[marvelous]] it becomes.]]
[[File:Robot Arm Over Earth with Sunburst - GPN-2000-001097.jpg|thumb|After my [[death]], the molecules of my being will return to the [[earth]] and [[sky]]. They came from the [[stars]]. I am of the stars.]]

* In some [[future]] incarnation from our [[life]] stream, we may even [[understand]] the [[reason]] for our [[existence]] in forms of [[earthly]] life. '''The [[growing]] [[knowledge]] of [[science]] does not refute man's [[intuition]] of the [[Mysticism|mystical]]. Whether outwardly or inwardly, whether in [[space]] or in [[time]], the farther we penetrate the unknown, the vaster and more [[marvelous]] it becomes.''' Only in the twentieth century do we realize that space is not empty, that it is packed with energy; it may be existence's source. Then, if space has produced existence and the form of man, can we deduce from it a form for [[God]]?

* '''I know myself as [[mortal]], but this raises the question: &quot;What is I?&quot; Am I an individual, or am I an [[evolving]] life stream composed of countless [[selves]]?''' ... As one [[identity]], I was born in AD 1902. But as AD twentieth-century man, I am billions of years old. The life I consider as myself has existed though past eons with unbroken continuity. Individuals are custodians of the life stream — temporal manifestations of far greater being, forming from and returning to their essence like so many dreams. ... '''I recall standing on the edge of a deep valley in the [[Hawaiian]] [[island]] of [[w:Maui|Maui]], thinking that the life stream is like a [[mountain]] [[river]] — springing from hidden sources, born out of the [[earth]], touched by [[stars]], merging, blending, evolving in the shape [[momentarily]] seen.''' It is [[molecules]] probing through time, found smooth-flowing, adjusted to shaped and shaping banks, roiled by [[rocks]] and [[tree]] trunks — composed again. Now it [[ends]], [[apparently]], at a lava brink, a precipitous fall. &lt;br /&gt; Near the fall's brink, I saw [[death]] as death cannot be seen. '''I stared at the very end of life, and at life that forms beyond, at the [[fact]] of [[immortality]].''' [[Dark]] [[water]] bent, broke, disintegrated, transformed to apparition — a tall, stately [[ghost]] [[soul]] emerged from [[body]], and the finite [[individuality]] of the [[whole]] becomes the [[infinite]] individuality of particles. Mist drifted, disappeared in [[air]], a vanishing of [[spirit]]. Far below in the valley, I saw another river, reincarnated from the first, its particles reorganized to form a second body. It carried the same [[name]]. It was similar in appearance. It also ended at a lava brink. '''Flow followed fall, and fall followed flow as I descended the mountainside. The river was mortal and immortal as life, as becoming.'''

* '''I grow aware of various forms of man and of myself. I am form and I am formless, I am life and I am matter, mortal and immortal. I am one and many — myself and [[humanity]] in flux.''' I extend a multiple of ways in experience in space. I am myself now, lying on my back in the jungle grass, passing through the ether between satellites and stars. '''My aging body transmits an ageless life stream.''' Molecular and atomic replacement change life's composition. Molecules take part in structure and in training, countless trillions of them. '''After my [[death]], the molecules of my being will return to the [[earth]] and [[sky]]. They came from the [[stars]]. I am of the stars.'''

== Quotes about Lindbergh ==
[[File:Spirit of St. Louis.jpg|thumb|A [[friend]] of the first man to fly an airplane, Lindbergh [[lived]] long enough in a fast-moving [[world]] to befriend the first man to walk on the [[moon]]. ~ [[w:A.Scott Berg|A.Scott Berg]] ]]
[[File:Bourget-statue.jpg|thumb|As the first American airman to exhibit &quot;the right stuff,&quot; Lindbergh inspired his country's first astronauts by sheer example.]]
[[File:Arco iris circular.JPG|thumb|Charles is [[life]] itself — pure life, force, like sunlight — and it is for this that I married him and this that holds me to him — caring always, caring desperately what happens to him and whatever he happens to be involved in. ~ [[Anne Morrow Lindbergh]] ]]
[[File:Anne Lindbergh and son Charles Jr, mother, and grandmother cph.3b19303u.jpg|thumb| He never wanted to be regarded as a [[hero]] or [[leader]], and he never had [[political]] [[ambitions]]. ~ [[Anne Morrow Lindbergh]] ]]

* '''Lindbergh's arrival in [[Paris]] became the defining moment of his life, that event on which all his future actions hinged''' — as though they were but a predestined series of equal but opposite reactions, fraught with irony... In the spring of 1927, Lindbergh had been too consumed by what he called &quot;the single objective of landing my plane at Paris&quot; to have considered its aftermath. &quot;To plan beyond that had seemed an act of arrogance I could not afford,&quot; he would later write. '''Even if he had thought farther ahead, however, he could never have predicted the unprecedented global response to his arrival.''' &lt;br&gt; By that year, radio, telephones, radiographs, and the Bartlane Cable Process could transmit images and voices around the world within seconds. What was more, motion pictures had just mastered the synchronization of sound, allowing dramatic moments to be preserved in all their glory and distributed worldwide. '''For the first time all of civilization could share as one the sights and sounds of an event — almost instantaneously and simultaneously. And in this unusually good-looking, young aviator — of apparently impeccable character — the new technology found its first superstar.'''&lt;br&gt;The reception in Paris was only a harbinger of the unprecedented worship people would pay Lindbergh for years. Without either belittling or aggrandizing the importance of his flight, he considered it part of the continuum of human endeavor, and that he was, after all, only a man. The public saw more than that... '''Universally admired, Charles Lindbergh became the most celebrated living person ever to walk the earth.'''
** [[w:A. Scott Berg|A. Scott Berg]] in ''Lindbergh'' (1998)

* As the first American airman to exhibit &quot;the right stuff,&quot; Lindbergh inspired his country's first astronauts by sheer example. But more than that, he was — unknown to the public — the man most responsible for securing the funding that underwrote the research of Dr. [[w:Robert H. Goddard|Robert H. Goddard]], the inventor of the modern rocket. '''A friend of the first man to fly an airplane, Lindbergh lived long enough in a fast-moving world to befriend the first man to walk on the moon.'''
** A. Scott Berg in ''Lindbergh'' (1998)

* '''Lindbergh believed all the elements of the earth and heavens are connected, through space and time.''' The configurations of molecules in each moment help create the next. Thus he considered his defining moment just another step in the development of aviation and exploration — a summit built on all those that preceded it and a springboard to all those that would follow. '''Only by looking back, Lindbergh believed, could mankind move forward. &quot;In some future incarnation from our life stream,&quot; he wrote in later years, &quot;we may understand the reason for our existence in forms of earthly life.&quot; '''
** A. Scott Berg in ''Lindbergh'' (1998)

* No source, however, captures the war hates and war crimes of this merciless struggle more soberly than Charles Lindbergh's diary. For over four months in mid-1944, Lindbergh lived and flew as a civilian observer with U.S. forces based in New Guinea, and as the weeks passed he became deeply troubled, not by the willingness to kill on the part of the soldiers, which he accepted as an inherent part of the war, but by the utter contempt in which Allied fighting men held their Japanese adversaries. The famous &quot;Lone Eagle,&quot; whose isolationist sentiments had placed him among the conservative opponents of President Roosevelt's policies, really hearkened back to what [J. Glenn Gray] has called the more chivalrous tradition of the professional militarist, who accepts the necessity of war while maintaining respect for his adversaries, recognizing courage as courage and duty as duty, irrespective of the uniform worn. Lindbergh found no such sentiments among the Allied forces in the Pacific, where officers and enlisted men alike saw the enemy simply as animals and &quot;yellow sons of bitches,&quot; and his detailed journal may be the most forthright firsthand account available of the &quot;other&quot; side of the Pacific War.
** John W. Dower, ''War Without Mercy: Race &amp; Power in the Pacific War'' (1986), p. 69

* On May 18, 1944, about two weeks after Lindbergh had tied in with a Marine unit, he recorded that the camps were full of reports of Japanese torture and the beheading of captured American pilots. A month later, on June 21, he summarized the conversation of an American general who told how an unsuspecting Japanese prisoner was given a cigarette and then seized from behind and had his throat &quot;slit from ear to ear&quot; as a demonstration of how to kill Japanese. Lindbergh's objections were met with tolerant scorn and pity.
** John W. Dower, ''War Without Mercy: Race &amp; Power in the Pacific War'' (1986), p. 69-70

* On August 30, Lindbergh visited Tarawa, recalled the terrible casualties there, and told of a naval officer who lined up the few Japanese captured, kept those who could speak English for questioning, and had the rest killed. In early September, he noted that on some islands Marines actually dug up dead bodies in their search for gold teeth. Elsewhere they collected noses as well as ears, teeth, and skulls. When Lindbergh finally left the Pacific islands and cleared customs in Hawaii, he was asked if he had any bones in his baggage. It was, he was told, a routine question.
** John W. Dower, ''War Without Mercy: Race &amp; Power in the Pacific War'' (1986), p. 71

* '''Charles is life itself — pure life, force, like sunlight — and it is for this that I married him and this that holds me to him''' — caring always, caring desperately what happens to him and whatever he happens to be involved in.
** [[Anne Morrow Lindbergh]] in ''War Within and Without'' (1980)

* '''Charles was a stubborn Swede, you know, and he himself never felt the need to explain his feelings about where he stood and about past statements.''' But I feel free now to elaborate on his actual attitudes. '''He never wanted to be regarded as a [[hero]] or [[leader]], and he never had [[political]] [[ambitions]].''' His prewar isolationist speeches were given in all [[sincerity]] for what he thought was the good of the country and the world. ... He was accused of being anti-Semetic, but in the 45 years I lived with him I never heard him make a remark against the [[Jews]], not a crack or joke, and neither did any of our children.
** [[Anne Morrow Lindbergh]] in [http://www.nytimes.com/books/98/09/27/specials/lindbergh-jews.html ''The New York Times'' (20 April 1980)]

* '''No one I know of has foreseen an [[America]] like the one we live in today.''' No one (except perhaps the acidic [[H. L. Mencken]], who famously described American democracy as “the worship of jackals by jackasses”) could have imagined that the 21st-century catastrophe to befall the U.S.A., the most debasing of disasters, would appear not, say, in the terrifying guise of an [[Orwellian]] Big Brother but in the ominously ridiculous ''[[w:Commedia dell'arte|commedia dell’arte]]'' figure of the boastful buffoon. How naïve I was in 1960 to think that I was an American living in preposterous times! How quaint! But then what could I know in 1960 of 1963 or 1968 or 1974 or 2001 or 2016? ... However prescient ''[[w:The Plot Against America|The Plot Against America]]'' might seem to you, there is surely one enormous difference between the political circumstances I invent there for the U.S. in 1940 and the political calamity that dismays us so today. It's the difference in stature between a President Lindbergh and a President Trump. '''Charles Lindbergh, in life as in my novel, may have been a genuine [[racist]] and an [[anti-Semite]] and a white supremacist sympathetic to [[Fascism]], but he was also — because of the extraordinary feat of his solo trans-Atlantic flight at the age of 25 — an authentic American [[hero]] 13 years before I have him winning the presidency. ... Trump, by comparison, is a massive fraud, the evil sum of his deficiencies, devoid of everything but the hollow [[ideology]] of a megalomaniac.'''
** [[Philip Roth]], comparing Lindbergh's leadership of an &quot;[[w:America First (policy)|America First]]&quot; movement with that of [[Donald Trump]], in responses to being asked about foreseeing an America such as now exists in his earlier writings, including his alternate-history novel ''[[w:The Plot Against America|The Plot Against America]]'' (2004) where Lindbergh defeats [[FDR]] for the presidency in 1940, as quoted in  [https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/16/books/review/philip-roth-interview.html &quot;No Longer Writing, Philip Roth Still Has Plenty to Say&quot; by Charles Mcgrath, in ''The New York Times'' (16 January 2018)]

* The people of England are about finished with him. Americans are beginning to feel the same way, and the halo of hero worship around Lindbergh's head is getting pretty well tarnished.
** New Jersey Attorney General David P. Wilentz (December 1936), quoted in ''Radio and the Jews: The Untold Story of How Radio Influenced the Image of Jews'' (2007) by David S. Siegel and Susan Siegel, p. 45

==External links== 
{{wikipedia}} 
{{commonscat}}
* [http://www.lindberghfoundation.org/history/calbio.html Brief biography at the Lindbergh Foundation]
* [http://www.nytimes.com/books/98/09/27/specials/lindbergh.html?_r=1&amp;oref=slogin Articles on Lindbergh at ''The New York Times'']
* [http://www.charleslindbergh.com CharlesLindbergh.com]
*[http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/entertainment/jan-june99/pulitzer_4-23.html Interview with A. Scott Berg about his Lindbergh biography]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Lindbergh, Charles}}

[[Category:Aviators from the United States]]
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[[Category:Anti-communists from the United States]]
[[Category:Explorers from the United States]]
[[Category:Environmentalists]]
[[Category:Nationalists]]
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      <text bytes="35784" xml:space="preserve">[[File:C.A.Lindberg.jpg|thumb|[[Life]] — a culmination of the [[past]], an [[awareness]] of the [[present]], an indication of a [[future]] beyond [[knowledge]], the [[quality]] that gives a touch of [[divinity]] to matter.]]
'''[[w:Charles Lindbergh|Charles Augustus Lindbergh II]]''' ([[4 February]] [[1902]] – [[26 August]] [[1974]]) was an American aviator, author, inventor, military officer, explorer, and social activist who rose to fame after he piloted the first solo non-stop flight across the Atlantic Ocean in 1927. An isolationist prior to the US entry into World War II, and in later years an environmental activist, he was the husband of [[Anne Morrow Lindbergh]].

== Quotes == 
[[File:Charles Lindbergh and the Spirit of Saint Louis (Crisco restoration, with wings).jpg|thumb|Our [[ideals]], [[laws]] and [[customs]] should be based on the proposition that each generation, in turn, becomes the custodian rather than the absolute owner of our resources and each generation has the obligation to pass this inheritance on to the [[future]].]]
[[File:Pearl Harbor wide view attack.jpg|thumb|Now, all that I feared would happen has happened. We are at [[war]] all over the [[world]], and we are unprepared for it from either a [[spiritual]] or a material standpoint...]]
[[File:NordhausenApril1945.jpg|thumb|Here was a place where [[men]] and [[life]] and [[death]] had reached the lowest form of degradation. How could any reward in [[national]] [[progress]] even faintly justify the establishment and operation of such a place?]]
[[File:Nagasakibomb.jpg|thumb|It is not the willingness to kill on the part of our soldiers which most concerns me. That is an inherent part of [[war]]. It is our lack of [[respect]] for even the admirable characteristics of our [[enemy]]... We hold his examples of atrocity screamingly to the heavens while we cover up our own and condone them as just retribution for his acts.]]
[[File:Hiroshima aftermath.jpg|thumb|I have seen the [[science]] I worshiped, and the aircraft I loved, destroying the [[civilization]] I expected them to serve.]]
[[File:SwansCygnus olor.jpg|thumb|If I had to choose, I would rather have [[birds]] than airplanes.]]
[[File:Trees and sunshine.JPG|thumb|In wilderness I sense the [[miracle]] of [[life]], and behind it our [[scientific]] accomplishments fade to trivia.]]
[[File:Swan in Sunshine - Tierpark Olderdissen.jpg|thumb| [[Life]] is like a landscape. You live in the midst of it but can describe it only from the vantage point of distance.]]

* '''The readiness to blame a dead pilot for an accident is nauseating, but it has been the tendency ever since I can remember. What pilot has not been in positions where he was in danger and where perfect judgment would have advised against going?''' But when a man is caught in such a position he is judged only by his error and seldom given credit for the times he has extricated himself from worse situations. Worst of all, blame is heaped upon him by other pilots, all of whom have been in parallel situations themselves, but without being caught in them. '''If one took no chances, one would not fly at all. Safety lies in the judgment of the chances one takes. That judgment, in turn, must rest upon one's outlook on life. Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a mountain in fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside than in bed. Why should we look for his errors when a brave man dies? Unless we can learn from his experience, there is no need to look for weakness. Rather, we should admire the courage and spirit in his life. What kind of man would live where there is no daring? And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure? Is there a better way to die?'''
**  Journal entry (26 August 1938); later published in ''The Wartime Journals'' (1970)

* Walked to Bill Castle's home at 6:00 — about ten minutes from the Anchorage. Fulton Lewis was the only other person there. The three of us had dinner together and discussed the European situation and the action this country should take if war breaks out over there. We are disturbed about the effect of the Jewish influence in our press, radio and motion pictures. It may become very serious. Lewis told us of one instance where the Jewish advertising firms threatened to remove all their advertising from the Mutual system if a certain feature were permitted to go on the air. The threat was powerful enough to have the feature removed.
** Journal entry (23 August 1939); later published in ''The Wartime Journals'' (1970)

* The pressure for war is high and mounting. The people are opposed to it, but the Administration seems to have ‘the bit in its teeth’ and is hell-bent on its way to war. Most of the Jewish interests in the country are behind war, and they control a huge part of our press and radio and most of our motion pictures. There are the ‘intellectuals’ and the ‘Anglophiles,’ and the British agents who are allowed free rein, the international financial interests, and many others.
** Journal entry (1 May 1941); later published in ''The Wartime Journals'' (1970)

* Shall we now give up the independence we have won, and crusade abroad in a utopian attempt to force our ideas on the rest of the world; or shall we use air power, and the other advances of modern warfare, to guard and strengthen the independence of our nation?
** A speech on “Air Power” (29 August 1941)

* The three most important groups who have been pressing this country toward war are the British, the Jewish, and the Roosevelt Administration.Instead of agitating for war, Jews in this country should be opposing it in every way, for they will be the first to feel its consequences. Their greatest danger to this country lies in their large ownership and influence in our motion pictures, our press, our radio and our government.
** Speech in Des Moines, Iowa lobbying for American isolationism (11 September 1941)

* '''Now, all that I feared would happen has happened. We are at war all over the world, and we are unprepared for it from either a spiritual or a material standpoint. Fortunately, in spite of all that has been said, the oceans are still difficult to cross; and we have the time to adjust and prepare...''' We can, of course, be raided; but unless we let ourselves go completely to pieces internally, we cannot be invaded successfully. &lt;br&gt; But this is only one part of the picture. We are in a war which requires us to attack if we are to win it. We must attack in Asia and in Europe, in fact, all over the world. That means raising and equipping an army of many millions and building shipping, which we have not now got. And after that, if we are to carry through our present war aims, it probably means the bloodiest and most devastating war of all history.
** Journal entry (11 December 1941); later published in ''The Wartime Journals'' (1970)

* We talk about spreading democracy and freedom all over the world, but they are to us words rather than conditions. We haven't even got them here in America, and the farther we get into this war the farther we get away from democracy and freedom. Where is it leading us to, and when will it end? The war might stop this winter, but that is improbable. It may go on for fifty years or more. That also is improbable. The elements are too conflicting and confused to form any accurate judgment of its length. '''There may be a series of wars, one after another, going on indefinitely. &lt;br&gt;[[Possibly]] the world will come to its senses sooner than I expect. But, as I have often said, the environment of human life has changed more rapidly and more extensively in recent years than it has ever changed before. When environment changes, there must be a corresponding change in life. That change must be so great that it is not likely to be completed in a decade or in a generation.'''
** Journal entry (11 December 1941); later published in ''The Wartime Journals'' (1970)

* '''Here was a place where men and life and death had reached the lowest form of degradation. How could any reward in national progress even faintly justify the establishment and operation of such a place? '''
** After visiting the [[w:Mittelbau-Dora|Mittelbau-Dora]] concentration camp in Germany, as quoted in [http://www.nytimes.com/books/98/09/27/specials/lindbergh-jews.html ''The New York Times'' (20 April 1980)]

* The intense artillery fire has stripped the trees of leaves and branches so that the outline of the coral ridge itself can be seen silhouetted against the sky. Since I have been on Owi Island, at irregular intervals through the night and day, the sound of our artillery bombarding this Japanese stronghold has floated in across the water. This afternoon, I stood on the cliff outside our quarters (not daring to sit on the ground because of the danger of typhus) and watched the shells bursting on the ridge. For weeks that handful of Japanese soldiers, variously estimated at between 250 and 700 men, has been holding out against overwhelming odds and the heaviest bombardment our well-supplied guns can give them. &lt;br&gt; If positions were reversed and our troops held out so courageously and well, their defense would be recorded as one of the most glorious examples of tenacity, bravery, and sacrifice in the history of our nation. But, sitting in the security and relative luxury of our quarters, I listen to American Army officers refer to these Japanese soldiers as &quot;yellow sons of bitches.&quot; Their desire is to exterminate the Jap ruthlessly, even cruelly. I have not heard a word of respect or compassion spoken of our enemy since I came here. &lt;br&gt;'''It is not the willingness to kill on the part of our soldiers which most concerns me. That is an inherent part of war. It is our lack of respect for even the admirable characteristics of our enemy — for courage, for suffering, for death, for his willingness to die for his beliefs, for his companies and squadrons which go forth, one after another, to annihilation against our superior training and equipment. What is courage for us is fanaticism for him. We hold his examples of atrocity screamingly to the heavens while we cover up our own and condone them as just retribution for his acts.'''
** Journal entry (21 July 1944); later published in ''The Wartime Journals'' (1970)

* What the German has done to the Jew in Europe, we are doing to the Jap in the Pacific.
** Journal entry (21 July 1944)

* It was a love of the air and sky and flying, the lure of adventure, the appreciation of beauty. It lay beyond the descriptive words of men — where immortality is touched through danger, where life meets death on equal plane; where man is more than man, and existence both supreme and valueless at the same time.
** Thoughts on his first parachute jump in ''The Spirit of St Louis''  (1953)

* '''Life — a culmination of the past, an awareness of the present, an indication of a future beyond knowledge, the quality that gives a touch of divinity to matter.'''
** &quot;Is Civilization Progress?&quot; in ''Reader's Digest '' (July 1964)

* '''If I had to choose, I would rather have birds than airplanes.'''
** &quot;Is Civilization Progress?&quot; in ''Reader's Digest '' (July 1964)

* '''I have seen the science I worshiped, and the aircraft I loved, destroying the civilization I expected them to serve.'''
** ''Of Flight and Life'' (1948)

* '''The wild world is the human world.''' Having evolved in it for millions of centuries, we are not far removed by a cloth of civilization. It is packed into our genes. '''In fact, the more power-driven, complex and delicate our civilization becomes, the more likelihood arises that a collapse will force us back to wildness.''' There is in wildness a natural wisdom that shapes all Earth's experiments with life. Can we tap this wisdom without experiencing the agony of reverting to wildness? Can we combine it with intellectual developments of which we feel so proud, use it to redirect our modern trends before they lead to a worse breakdown than past civilizations have experienced? I believe we can, and that to do so we must learn from the primitive.
** &quot;The Wisdom of Wilderness&quot; in ''LIFE'' (22 December 1967)

* ...'''An overemphasis of science weakens human character and upsets life's essential balance. Science breeds technology. Technology leads to infinite complication.''' Examples are everywhere: in the intricacy of government and in that of business corporations: in automation and labor relations; in war, diplomacy, taxation, legislation, in almost every field of modern man's routine. From the growth of cities to that of military power, from medical requirements to social-welfare benefits, '''when progress is plotted against time, exponential curves result with which we cannot long conform. But what action should scientific man prescribe as a result of the curves he plots? How is their direction to be changed without another breakdown and return to wildness? Suppose technologists conclude theoretically that they are destroying their own culture. Are they capable of taking effective action to prevent such destruction?'''&lt;br&gt;'''The failures of previous civilizations, and the crises existing for our own, show that man has not evolved the ability to cope with limitless complication.''' He has not discovered how to control his sciences' parabolas. Here I believe '''the human intellect can learn from primitive nature, for nature was conceived in cosmic power and thrives on infinite complication. No problem has been too difficult for it to solve. From the dynamics of an atom, nature produces the tranquility of a flower, the joy of a porpoise, the intellect of man–the miracle of life.'''&lt;br&gt;'''In wilderness I sense the miracle of life, and behind it our scientific accomplishments fade to trivia.''' The construction of an analogue computer or a supersonic airplane is simple when compared to the mixture of space and evolutionary eons represented by a cell. '''In primitive rather than in civilized surroundings I grow aware of man's evolving status, as though I were suddenly released from a hypnotic state. Life itself becomes the standard of all judgement.''' How could I have overlooked, even momentarily, such an obvious fact?
** &quot;The Wisdom of Wilderness&quot; in ''LIFE'' (22 December 1967)

* '''Our ideals, laws and customs should be based on the proposition that each generation, in turn, becomes the custodian rather than the absolute owner of our resources and each generation has the obligation to pass this inheritance on to the future.'''
** ''New York Times Magazine'' (23 May 1971)

* Man must feel the earth to know himself and recognize his values... '''God made life simple. It is man who complicates it.'''
** As quoted in ''Reader's Digest'' (July 1972)

* '''I realized that the future of aviation, to which I had devoted so much of my life, depended less on the perfection of aircraft than on preserving the epoch-evolved environment of life, and that this was true of all technological progress.'''
** Forword to ''The Gentle Tasady : A Stone Age People in the Philippine Rain Forest'' (1975) by John Nance, a book on the [[w:Tasaday|Tasaday]] of Mindanao (7 April 1974)

* I owned the world that hour as I rode over it... free of the earth, free of the mountains, free of the clouds, but how inseparably I was bound to them.
** On flying over the Rocky Mountains, as quoted in ''Lindbergh'' (1978) by Leonard Mosley

* '''Living in dreams of yesterday, we find ourselves still dreaming of impossible future conquest...'''
** As quoted in ''Lindbergh'' (1998) by [[w:A. Scott Berg|A. Scott Berg]], p. 3

* Real freedom lies in wildness, not in civilization.
** As quoted in ''Lindbergh'' (1998) by A. Scott Berg, p. 510

* Is he alone who has courage on his right hand and faith on his left hand?
** As quoted in ''1927'' (2000) by Robert P. Fitton

* What kind of man would live where there is no danger? I don't believe in taking foolish chances. But nothing can be accomplished by not taking a chance at all.
** As quoted in ''Lindbergh: Flight's Enigmatic Hero'' (2002) by Von Hardesty

* '''Life is like a landscape. You live in the midst of it but can describe it only from the vantage point of distance.'''
** As quoted in ''Lindbergh: Flight's Enigmatic Hero'' (2002) by Von Hardesty

=== Aviation, Geography, and Race (1939) ===
[[File:Heinkel He 111 during the Battle of Britain 2.jpg|thumb|Air power is new to all our countries. It brings advantages to some and weakens others; it calls for readjustment everywhere.]]
[[File:Missouri-flyover.jpg|thumb|The forces of [[Hannibal]], [[Francis Drake|Drake]] and [[Napoleon]] moved at best with the horses' gallop or the speed of wind on sail. Now, aviation brings a new concept of time and distance to the affairs of men.]]
:&lt;small&gt;''Reader's Digest'' (November 1939), pp. 64-67&lt;/small&gt;

* '''Aviation has struck a delicately balanced world, a world where stability was already giving way to the pressure of new dynamic forces, a world dominated by a mechanical, materialist, Western European civilization.'''

* Aviation seems almost a gift from heaven to those Western nations who were already the leaders of their era, strengthening their leadership, their confidence, their dominance over other peoples. It is a tool specially shaped for Western hands, a scientific art which others only copy in a mediocre fashion; another barrier between the teeming millions of Asia and the Grecian inheritance of Europe — one of those priceless possessions which permit the White race to live at all in a pressing sea of Yellow, Black, and Brown.

* A great industrial nation may conquer the world in the span of a single life, but its Achilles' heel is time. Its children, what of them? The second and third generations, of what numbers and stuff will they be? '''How long can men thrive between walls of brick, walking on asphalt pavements, breathing the fumes of coal and of oil, growing, working, dying, with hardly a thought of wind, and sky, and fields of grain, seeing only machine-made beauty, the mineral-like quality of life.''' This is our modern danger — one of the waxen wings of flight. It may cause our civilization to fall unless we act quickly to counteract it, unless we realize that human character is more important than efficiency, that education consists of more than the mere accumulation of knowledge.

* '''Air power is new to all our countries. It brings advantages to some and weakens others; it calls for readjustment everywhere.''' &lt;br&gt; If only there were some way to measure the changing character of men, some yardstick to reapportion influence among the nations, some way to demonstrate in peace the strength of arms in war. But with all of its dimensions, its clocks, and weights, and figures, science fails us when we ask a measure for the rights of men. They cannot be judged by numbers, by distance, weight, or time; or by counting heads without a thought of what may lie within. Those intangible qualities of character, such as courage, faith, and skill, evade all systems, slip through the bars of every cage. They can be recognized, but not measured.

* '''The forces of [[Hannibal]], [[Francis Drake|Drake]] and [[Napoleon]] moved at best with the horses' gallop or the speed of wind on sail. Now, aviation brings a new concept of time and distance to the affairs of men. It demands adaptability to change, places a premium on quickness of thought and speed of action.''' &lt;br&gt; Military strength has become more dynamic and less tangible. A new alignment of power has taken place, and there is no adequate peacetime measure for its effect on the influence of nations. There seems no way to agree on the rights it brings to some and takes from others.

* Our civilization depends on peace among Western nations, and therefore on united strength, for Peace is a virgin who dare not show her face without Strength, her father, for protection. We can have peace and security only so long as we band together to preserve that most priceless possession, our inheritance of European blood, only so long as we guard ourselves against attack by foreign armies and dilution by foreign races. &lt;br&gt; We need peace to let our best men live to work out those more subtle, but equally dangerous, problems brought by this new environment in which we dwell, to give us time to turn this materialistic trend, to stop prostrating ourselves before this modern idol of mechanical efficiency, to find means of combining freedom, spirit, and beauty with industrial life — a peace which will bring character, strength, and security back to Western peoples.

=== ''Autobiography of Values'' (1978) ===
[[File:Charles Lindbergh, wearing helmet with goggles up.jpg|thumb|In some [[future]] incarnation from our [[life]] stream, we may even [[understand]] the [[reason]] for our [[existence]] in forms of [[earthly]] life. The [[growing]] [[knowledge]] of [[science]] does not refute man's [[intuition]] of the [[Mysticism|mystical]]. Whether outwardly or inwardly, whether in [[space]] or in [[time]], the farther we penetrate the unknown, the vaster and more [[marvelous]] it becomes.]]
[[File:Robot Arm Over Earth with Sunburst - GPN-2000-001097.jpg|thumb|After my [[death]], the molecules of my being will return to the [[earth]] and [[sky]]. They came from the [[stars]]. I am of the stars.]]

* In some [[future]] incarnation from our [[life]] stream, we may even [[understand]] the [[reason]] for our [[existence]] in forms of [[earthly]] life. '''The [[growing]] [[knowledge]] of [[science]] does not refute man's [[intuition]] of the [[Mysticism|mystical]]. Whether outwardly or inwardly, whether in [[space]] or in [[time]], the farther we penetrate the unknown, the vaster and more [[marvelous]] it becomes.''' Only in the twentieth century do we realize that space is not empty, that it is packed with energy; it may be existence's source. Then, if space has produced existence and the form of man, can we deduce from it a form for [[God]]?

* '''I know myself as [[mortal]], but this raises the question: &quot;What is I?&quot; Am I an individual, or am I an [[evolving]] life stream composed of countless [[selves]]?''' ... As one [[identity]], I was born in AD 1902. But as AD twentieth-century man, I am billions of years old. The life I consider as myself has existed though past eons with unbroken continuity. Individuals are custodians of the life stream — temporal manifestations of far greater being, forming from and returning to their essence like so many dreams. ... '''I recall standing on the edge of a deep valley in the [[Hawaiian]] [[island]] of [[w:Maui|Maui]], thinking that the life stream is like a [[mountain]] [[river]] — springing from hidden sources, born out of the [[earth]], touched by [[stars]], merging, blending, evolving in the shape [[momentarily]] seen.''' It is [[molecules]] probing through time, found smooth-flowing, adjusted to shaped and shaping banks, roiled by [[rocks]] and [[tree]] trunks — composed again. Now it [[ends]], [[apparently]], at a lava brink, a precipitous fall. &lt;br /&gt; Near the fall's brink, I saw [[death]] as death cannot be seen. '''I stared at the very end of life, and at life that forms beyond, at the [[fact]] of [[immortality]].''' [[Dark]] [[water]] bent, broke, disintegrated, transformed to apparition — a tall, stately [[ghost]] [[soul]] emerged from [[body]], and the finite [[individuality]] of the [[whole]] becomes the [[infinite]] individuality of particles. Mist drifted, disappeared in [[air]], a vanishing of [[spirit]]. Far below in the valley, I saw another river, reincarnated from the first, its particles reorganized to form a second body. It carried the same [[name]]. It was similar in appearance. It also ended at a lava brink. '''Flow followed fall, and fall followed flow as I descended the mountainside. The river was mortal and immortal as life, as becoming.'''

* '''I grow aware of various forms of man and of myself. I am form and I am formless, I am life and I am matter, mortal and immortal. I am one and many — myself and [[humanity]] in flux.''' I extend a multiple of ways in experience in space. I am myself now, lying on my back in the jungle grass, passing through the ether between satellites and stars. '''My aging body transmits an ageless life stream.''' Molecular and atomic replacement change life's composition. Molecules take part in structure and in training, countless trillions of them. '''After my [[death]], the molecules of my being will return to the [[earth]] and [[sky]]. They came from the [[stars]]. I am of the stars.'''

== Quotes about Lindbergh ==
[[File:Spirit of St. Louis.jpg|thumb|A [[friend]] of the first man to fly an airplane, Lindbergh [[lived]] long enough in a fast-moving [[world]] to befriend the first man to walk on the [[moon]]. ~ [[w:A.Scott Berg|A.Scott Berg]] ]]
[[File:Bourget-statue.jpg|thumb|As the first American airman to exhibit &quot;the right stuff,&quot; Lindbergh inspired his country's first astronauts by sheer example.]]
[[File:Arco iris circular.JPG|thumb|Charles is [[life]] itself — pure life, force, like sunlight — and it is for this that I married him and this that holds me to him — caring always, caring desperately what happens to him and whatever he happens to be involved in. ~ [[Anne Morrow Lindbergh]] ]]
[[File:Anne Lindbergh and son Charles Jr, mother, and grandmother cph.3b19303u.jpg|thumb| He never wanted to be regarded as a [[hero]] or [[leader]], and he never had [[political]] [[ambitions]]. ~ [[Anne Morrow Lindbergh]] ]]

* '''Lindbergh's arrival in [[Paris]] became the defining moment of his life, that event on which all his future actions hinged''' — as though they were but a predestined series of equal but opposite reactions, fraught with irony... In the spring of 1927, Lindbergh had been too consumed by what he called &quot;the single objective of landing my plane at Paris&quot; to have considered its aftermath. &quot;To plan beyond that had seemed an act of arrogance I could not afford,&quot; he would later write. '''Even if he had thought farther ahead, however, he could never have predicted the unprecedented global response to his arrival.''' &lt;br&gt; By that year, radio, telephones, radiographs, and the Bartlane Cable Process could transmit images and voices around the world within seconds. What was more, motion pictures had just mastered the synchronization of sound, allowing dramatic moments to be preserved in all their glory and distributed worldwide. '''For the first time all of civilization could share as one the sights and sounds of an event — almost instantaneously and simultaneously. And in this unusually good-looking, young aviator — of apparently impeccable character — the new technology found its first superstar.'''&lt;br&gt;The reception in Paris was only a harbinger of the unprecedented worship people would pay Lindbergh for years. Without either belittling or aggrandizing the importance of his flight, he considered it part of the continuum of human endeavor, and that he was, after all, only a man. The public saw more than that... '''Universally admired, Charles Lindbergh became the most celebrated living person ever to walk the earth.'''
** [[w:A. Scott Berg|A. Scott Berg]] in ''Lindbergh'' (1998)

* As the first American airman to exhibit &quot;the right stuff,&quot; Lindbergh inspired his country's first astronauts by sheer example. But more than that, he was — unknown to the public — the man most responsible for securing the funding that underwrote the research of Dr. [[w:Robert H. Goddard|Robert H. Goddard]], the inventor of the modern rocket. '''A friend of the first man to fly an airplane, Lindbergh lived long enough in a fast-moving world to befriend the first man to walk on the moon.'''
** A. Scott Berg in ''Lindbergh'' (1998)

* '''Lindbergh believed all the elements of the earth and heavens are connected, through space and time.''' The configurations of molecules in each moment help create the next. Thus he considered his defining moment just another step in the development of aviation and exploration — a summit built on all those that preceded it and a springboard to all those that would follow. '''Only by looking back, Lindbergh believed, could mankind move forward. &quot;In some future incarnation from our life stream,&quot; he wrote in later years, &quot;we may understand the reason for our existence in forms of earthly life.&quot; '''
** A. Scott Berg in ''Lindbergh'' (1998)

* No source, however, captures the war hates and war crimes of this merciless struggle more soberly than Charles Lindbergh's diary. For over four months in mid-1944, Lindbergh lived and flew as a civilian observer with U.S. forces based in New Guinea, and as the weeks passed he became deeply troubled, not by the willingness to kill on the part of the soldiers, which he accepted as an inherent part of the war, but by the utter contempt in which Allied fighting men held their Japanese adversaries. The famous &quot;Lone Eagle,&quot; whose isolationist sentiments had placed him among the conservative opponents of President Roosevelt's policies, really hearkened back to what [J. Glenn Gray] has called the more chivalrous tradition of the professional militarist, who accepts the necessity of war while maintaining respect for his adversaries, recognizing courage as courage and duty as duty, irrespective of the uniform worn. Lindbergh found no such sentiments among the Allied forces in the Pacific, where officers and enlisted men alike saw the enemy simply as animals and &quot;yellow sons of bitches,&quot; and his detailed journal may be the most forthright firsthand account available of the &quot;other&quot; side of the Pacific War.
** John W. Dower, ''War Without Mercy: Race &amp; Power in the Pacific War'' (1986), p. 69

* On May 18, 1944, about two weeks after Lindbergh had tied in with a Marine unit, he recorded that the camps were full of reports of Japanese torture and the beheading of captured American pilots. A month later, on June 21, he summarized the conversation of an American general who told how an unsuspecting Japanese prisoner was given a cigarette and then seized from behind and had his throat &quot;slit from ear to ear&quot; as a demonstration of how to kill Japanese. Lindbergh's objections were met with tolerant scorn and pity.
** John W. Dower, ''War Without Mercy: Race &amp; Power in the Pacific War'' (1986), p. 69-70

* On August 30, Lindbergh visited Tarawa, recalled the terrible casualties there, and told of a naval officer who lined up the few Japanese captured, kept those who could speak English for questioning, and had the rest killed. In early September, he noted that on some islands Marines actually dug up dead bodies in their search for gold teeth. Elsewhere they collected noses as well as ears, teeth, and skulls. When Lindbergh finally left the Pacific islands and cleared customs in Hawaii, he was asked if he had any bones in his baggage. It was, he was told, a routine question.
** John W. Dower, ''War Without Mercy: Race &amp; Power in the Pacific War'' (1986), p. 71

* '''Charles is life itself — pure life, force, like sunlight — and it is for this that I married him and this that holds me to him''' — caring always, caring desperately what happens to him and whatever he happens to be involved in.
** [[Anne Morrow Lindbergh]] in ''War Within and Without'' (1980)

* '''Charles was a stubborn Swede, you know, and he himself never felt the need to explain his feelings about where he stood and about past statements.''' But I feel free now to elaborate on his actual attitudes. '''He never wanted to be regarded as a [[hero]] or [[leader]], and he never had [[political]] [[ambitions]].''' His prewar isolationist speeches were given in all [[sincerity]] for what he thought was the good of the country and the world. ... He was accused of being anti-Semetic, but in the 45 years I lived with him I never heard him make a remark against the [[Jews]], not a crack or joke, and neither did any of our children.
** [[Anne Morrow Lindbergh]] in [http://www.nytimes.com/books/98/09/27/specials/lindbergh-jews.html ''The New York Times'' (20 April 1980)]

* '''No one I know of has foreseen an [[America]] like the one we live in today.''' No one (except perhaps the acidic [[H. L. Mencken]], who famously described American democracy as “the worship of jackals by jackasses”) could have imagined that the 21st-century catastrophe to befall the U.S.A., the most debasing of disasters, would appear not, say, in the terrifying guise of an [[Orwellian]] Big Brother but in the ominously ridiculous ''[[w:Commedia dell'arte|commedia dell’arte]]'' figure of the boastful buffoon. How naïve I was in 1960 to think that I was an American living in preposterous times! How quaint! But then what could I know in 1960 of 1963 or 1968 or 1974 or 2001 or 2016? ... However prescient ''[[w:The Plot Against America|The Plot Against America]]'' might seem to you, there is surely one enormous difference between the political circumstances I invent there for the U.S. in 1940 and the political calamity that dismays us so today. It's the difference in stature between a President Lindbergh and a President Trump. '''Charles Lindbergh, in life as in my novel, may have been a genuine [[racist]] and an [[anti-Semite]] and a white supremacist sympathetic to [[Fascism]], but he was also — because of the extraordinary feat of his solo trans-Atlantic flight at the age of 25 — an authentic American [[hero]] 13 years before I have him winning the presidency. ... Trump, by comparison, is a massive fraud, the evil sum of his deficiencies, devoid of everything but the hollow [[ideology]] of a megalomaniac.'''
** [[Philip Roth]], comparing Lindbergh's leadership of an &quot;[[w:America First (policy)|America First]]&quot; movement with that of [[Donald Trump]], in responses to being asked about foreseeing an America such as now exists in his earlier writings, including his alternate-history novel ''[[w:The Plot Against America|The Plot Against America]]'' (2004) where Lindbergh defeats [[FDR]] for the presidency in 1940, as quoted in  [https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/16/books/review/philip-roth-interview.html &quot;No Longer Writing, Philip Roth Still Has Plenty to Say&quot; by Charles Mcgrath, in ''The New York Times'' (16 January 2018)]

* The people of England are about finished with him. Americans are beginning to feel the same way, and the halo of hero worship around Lindbergh's head is getting pretty well tarnished.
** New Jersey Attorney General David P. Wilentz (December 1936), quoted in ''Radio and the Jews: The Untold Story of How Radio Influenced the Image of Jews'' (2007) by David S. Siegel and Susan Siegel, p. 45

==External links== 
{{wikipedia}} 
{{commonscat}}
* [http://www.lindberghfoundation.org/history/calbio.html Brief biography at the Lindbergh Foundation]
* [http://www.nytimes.com/books/98/09/27/specials/lindbergh.html?_r=1&amp;oref=slogin Articles on Lindbergh at ''The New York Times'']
* [http://www.charleslindbergh.com CharlesLindbergh.com]
*[http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/entertainment/jan-june99/pulitzer_4-23.html Interview with A. Scott Berg about his Lindbergh biography]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Lindbergh, Charles}}

[[Category:Aviators from the United States]]
[[Category:1902 births]]
[[Category:1974 deaths]]
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[[Category:Activists from the United States]]
[[Category:Anti-war activists]]
[[Category:Social activists]]
[[Category:Anti-communists from the United States]]
[[Category:Explorers from the United States]]
[[Category:Environmentalists]]
[[Category:Nationalists]]
[[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]]
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      <text bytes="38056" xml:space="preserve">[[File:C.A.Lindberg.jpg|thumb|[[Life]] — a culmination of the [[past]], an [[awareness]] of the [[present]], an indication of a [[future]] beyond [[knowledge]], the [[quality]] that gives a touch of [[divinity]] to matter.]]
'''[[w:Charles Lindbergh|Charles Augustus Lindbergh II]]''' ([[4 February]] [[1902]] – [[26 August]] [[1974]]) was an American aviator, author, inventor, military officer, explorer, and social activist who rose to fame after he piloted the first solo non-stop flight across the Atlantic Ocean in 1927. An isolationist prior to the US entry into World War II, and in later years an environmental activist, he was the husband of [[Anne Morrow Lindbergh]].

== Quotes == 
[[File:Charles Lindbergh and the Spirit of Saint Louis (Crisco restoration, with wings).jpg|thumb|Our [[ideals]], [[laws]] and [[customs]] should be based on the proposition that each generation, in turn, becomes the custodian rather than the absolute owner of our resources and each generation has the obligation to pass this inheritance on to the [[future]].]]
[[File:Pearl Harbor wide view attack.jpg|thumb|Now, all that I feared would happen has happened. We are at [[war]] all over the [[world]], and we are unprepared for it from either a [[spiritual]] or a material standpoint...]]
[[File:NordhausenApril1945.jpg|thumb|Here was a place where [[men]] and [[life]] and [[death]] had reached the lowest form of degradation. How could any reward in [[national]] [[progress]] even faintly justify the establishment and operation of such a place?]]
[[File:Nagasakibomb.jpg|thumb|It is not the willingness to kill on the part of our soldiers which most concerns me. That is an inherent part of [[war]]. It is our lack of [[respect]] for even the admirable characteristics of our [[enemy]]... We hold his examples of atrocity screamingly to the heavens while we cover up our own and condone them as just retribution for his acts.]]
[[File:Hiroshima aftermath.jpg|thumb|I have seen the [[science]] I worshiped, and the aircraft I loved, destroying the [[civilization]] I expected them to serve.]]
[[File:SwansCygnus olor.jpg|thumb|If I had to choose, I would rather have [[birds]] than airplanes.]]
[[File:Trees and sunshine.JPG|thumb|In wilderness I sense the [[miracle]] of [[life]], and behind it our [[scientific]] accomplishments fade to trivia.]]
[[File:Swan in Sunshine - Tierpark Olderdissen.jpg|thumb| [[Life]] is like a landscape. You live in the midst of it but can describe it only from the vantage point of distance.]]

* '''The readiness to blame a dead pilot for an accident is nauseating, but it has been the tendency ever since I can remember. What pilot has not been in positions where he was in danger and where perfect judgment would have advised against going?''' But when a man is caught in such a position he is judged only by his error and seldom given credit for the times he has extricated himself from worse situations. Worst of all, blame is heaped upon him by other pilots, all of whom have been in parallel situations themselves, but without being caught in them. '''If one took no chances, one would not fly at all. Safety lies in the judgment of the chances one takes. That judgment, in turn, must rest upon one's outlook on life. Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a mountain in fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside than in bed. Why should we look for his errors when a brave man dies? Unless we can learn from his experience, there is no need to look for weakness. Rather, we should admire the courage and spirit in his life. What kind of man would live where there is no daring? And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure? Is there a better way to die?'''
**  Journal entry (26 August 1938); later published in ''The Wartime Journals'' (1970)

* Walked to Bill Castle's home at 6:00 — about ten minutes from the Anchorage. Fulton Lewis was the only other person there. The three of us had dinner together and discussed the European situation and the action this country should take if war breaks out over there. We are disturbed about the effect of the Jewish influence in our press, radio and motion pictures. It may become very serious. Lewis told us of one instance where the Jewish advertising firms threatened to remove all their advertising from the Mutual system if a certain feature were permitted to go on the air. The threat was powerful enough to have the feature removed.
** Journal entry (23 August 1939); later published in ''The Wartime Journals'' (1970)

* The pressure for war is high and mounting. The people are opposed to it, but the Administration seems to have ‘the bit in its teeth’ and is hell-bent on its way to war. Most of the Jewish interests in the country are behind war, and they control a huge part of our press and radio and most of our motion pictures. There are the ‘intellectuals’ and the ‘Anglophiles,’ and the British agents who are allowed free rein, the international financial interests, and many others.
** Journal entry (1 May 1941); later published in ''The Wartime Journals'' (1970)

* Shall we now give up the independence we have won, and crusade abroad in a utopian attempt to force our ideas on the rest of the world; or shall we use air power, and the other advances of modern warfare, to guard and strengthen the independence of our nation?
** A speech on “Air Power” (29 August 1941)

* The three most important groups who have been pressing this country toward war are the British, the Jewish, and the Roosevelt Administration.Instead of agitating for war, Jews in this country should be opposing it in every way, for they will be the first to feel its consequences. Their greatest danger to this country lies in their large ownership and influence in our motion pictures, our press, our radio and our government.
** Speech in Des Moines, Iowa lobbying for American isolationism (11 September 1941)

* '''Now, all that I feared would happen has happened. We are at war all over the world, and we are unprepared for it from either a spiritual or a material standpoint. Fortunately, in spite of all that has been said, the oceans are still difficult to cross; and we have the time to adjust and prepare...''' We can, of course, be raided; but unless we let ourselves go completely to pieces internally, we cannot be invaded successfully. &lt;br&gt; But this is only one part of the picture. We are in a war which requires us to attack if we are to win it. We must attack in Asia and in Europe, in fact, all over the world. That means raising and equipping an army of many millions and building shipping, which we have not now got. And after that, if we are to carry through our present war aims, it probably means the bloodiest and most devastating war of all history.
** Journal entry (11 December 1941); later published in ''The Wartime Journals'' (1970)

* We talk about spreading democracy and freedom all over the world, but they are to us words rather than conditions. We haven't even got them here in America, and the farther we get into this war the farther we get away from democracy and freedom. Where is it leading us to, and when will it end? The war might stop this winter, but that is improbable. It may go on for fifty years or more. That also is improbable. The elements are too conflicting and confused to form any accurate judgment of its length. '''There may be a series of wars, one after another, going on indefinitely. &lt;br&gt;[[Possibly]] the world will come to its senses sooner than I expect. But, as I have often said, the environment of human life has changed more rapidly and more extensively in recent years than it has ever changed before. When environment changes, there must be a corresponding change in life. That change must be so great that it is not likely to be completed in a decade or in a generation.'''
** Journal entry (11 December 1941); later published in ''The Wartime Journals'' (1970)

* '''Here was a place where men and life and death had reached the lowest form of degradation. How could any reward in national progress even faintly justify the establishment and operation of such a place? '''
** After visiting the [[w:Mittelbau-Dora|Mittelbau-Dora]] concentration camp in Germany, as quoted in [http://www.nytimes.com/books/98/09/27/specials/lindbergh-jews.html ''The New York Times'' (20 April 1980)]

* The intense artillery fire has stripped the trees of leaves and branches so that the outline of the coral ridge itself can be seen silhouetted against the sky. Since I have been on Owi Island, at irregular intervals through the night and day, the sound of our artillery bombarding this Japanese stronghold has floated in across the water. This afternoon, I stood on the cliff outside our quarters (not daring to sit on the ground because of the danger of typhus) and watched the shells bursting on the ridge. For weeks that handful of Japanese soldiers, variously estimated at between 250 and 700 men, has been holding out against overwhelming odds and the heaviest bombardment our well-supplied guns can give them. &lt;br&gt; If positions were reversed and our troops held out so courageously and well, their defense would be recorded as one of the most glorious examples of tenacity, bravery, and sacrifice in the history of our nation. But, sitting in the security and relative luxury of our quarters, I listen to American Army officers refer to these Japanese soldiers as &quot;yellow sons of bitches.&quot; Their desire is to exterminate the Jap ruthlessly, even cruelly. I have not heard a word of respect or compassion spoken of our enemy since I came here. &lt;br&gt;'''It is not the willingness to kill on the part of our soldiers which most concerns me. That is an inherent part of war. It is our lack of respect for even the admirable characteristics of our enemy — for courage, for suffering, for death, for his willingness to die for his beliefs, for his companies and squadrons which go forth, one after another, to annihilation against our superior training and equipment. What is courage for us is fanaticism for him. We hold his examples of atrocity screamingly to the heavens while we cover up our own and condone them as just retribution for his acts.'''
** Journal entry (21 July 1944); later published in ''The Wartime Journals'' (1970)

* What the German has done to the Jew in Europe, we are doing to the Jap in the Pacific.
** Journal entry (21 July 1944)

* It was a love of the air and sky and flying, the lure of adventure, the appreciation of beauty. It lay beyond the descriptive words of men — where immortality is touched through danger, where life meets death on equal plane; where man is more than man, and existence both supreme and valueless at the same time.
** Thoughts on his first parachute jump in ''The Spirit of St Louis'' (1953)

* '''Life — a culmination of the past, an awareness of the present, an indication of a future beyond knowledge, the quality that gives a touch of divinity to matter.'''
** &quot;Is Civilization Progress?&quot; in ''Reader's Digest '' (July 1964)

* '''If I had to choose, I would rather have birds than airplanes.'''
** &quot;Is Civilization Progress?&quot; in ''Reader's Digest '' (July 1964)

* '''I have seen the science I worshiped, and the aircraft I loved, destroying the civilization I expected them to serve.'''
** ''Of Flight and Life'' (1948)

* '''The wild world is the human world.''' Having evolved in it for millions of centuries, we are not far removed by a cloth of civilization. It is packed into our genes. '''In fact, the more power-driven, complex and delicate our civilization becomes, the more likelihood arises that a collapse will force us back to wildness.''' There is in wildness a natural wisdom that shapes all Earth's experiments with life. Can we tap this wisdom without experiencing the agony of reverting to wildness? Can we combine it with intellectual developments of which we feel so proud, use it to redirect our modern trends before they lead to a worse breakdown than past civilizations have experienced? I believe we can, and that to do so we must learn from the primitive.
** &quot;The Wisdom of Wilderness&quot; in ''LIFE'' (22 December 1967)

* ...'''An overemphasis of science weakens human character and upsets life's essential balance. Science breeds technology. Technology leads to infinite complication.''' Examples are everywhere: in the intricacy of government and in that of business corporations: in automation and labor relations; in war, diplomacy, taxation, legislation, in almost every field of modern man's routine. From the growth of cities to that of military power, from medical requirements to social-welfare benefits, '''when progress is plotted against time, exponential curves result with which we cannot long conform. But what action should scientific man prescribe as a result of the curves he plots? How is their direction to be changed without another breakdown and return to wildness? Suppose technologists conclude theoretically that they are destroying their own culture. Are they capable of taking effective action to prevent such destruction?'''&lt;br&gt;'''The failures of previous civilizations, and the crises existing for our own, show that man has not evolved the ability to cope with limitless complication.''' He has not discovered how to control his sciences' parabolas. Here I believe '''the human intellect can learn from primitive nature, for nature was conceived in cosmic power and thrives on infinite complication. No problem has been too difficult for it to solve. From the dynamics of an atom, nature produces the tranquility of a flower, the joy of a porpoise, the intellect of man–the miracle of life.'''&lt;br&gt;'''In wilderness I sense the miracle of life, and behind it our scientific accomplishments fade to trivia.''' The construction of an analogue computer or a supersonic airplane is simple when compared to the mixture of space and evolutionary eons represented by a cell. '''In primitive rather than in civilized surroundings I grow aware of man's evolving status, as though I were suddenly released from a hypnotic state. Life itself becomes the standard of all judgement.''' How could I have overlooked, even momentarily, such an obvious fact?
** &quot;The Wisdom of Wilderness&quot; in ''LIFE'' (22 December 1967)

* '''I feel transported from the modern to a Mesozoic era, freed from the blindness caused by our clocked environment of time. Ages turn to seconds as I voyage back and forth. Man becomes a recent advent among Earth's contending forms, and civilization but a flash in evolutionary progress. Surrounded by wildness I become less aware of my individuality than the life stream individuals manifest: that tenuous, immortal quality probing an unknown future and trailing, unbroken, beyond the vaguest past. Thus stripped of my culture's armor, I am an animal among various others, emerged to represent my species' progress, the momentary form and outlook of mankind.'''&lt;br&gt;Whether in Florida's Everglades, Tanzania's Serengeti, or Java's Udjung Kulon, '''I see animals about me as earthly experiments with life; and so I feel myself. Each of us represents a life stream attempting to survive, to take advantage of every opportunity arising. The heron lengthens its legs to wade. The lion sharpens its teeth to kill. The rhinoceros thickens its skin for protection. Man develops his intellect to gain domination of the Earth, and by comparison, the speed with which he has gained this domination is astounding–another of those exponential curves that mount like an explosion.'''&lt;br&gt;'''In civilization's sky-scraping cities I feel my superiority to lower animals confirmed by man's unchallenged rule. I view other creatures with a god's aloofness; for I have intellect, and they, no more than instinct.''' But surrounded by wildness, representing the human life stream with diverse competing life streams close at hand, I start doubting my superiority. '''I am struck by the physical perfection of other species in contrast to my own, amazed at the beauty, health and balance nature has achieved through instinct's influence. I ask myself what the intellect has done to warrant its prestige. As Earth's most messy, destructive and defective animal, man's records gives him little cause for pride. Our present intellectual superiority is no guarantee of great wisdom or survival power in our genes.''' Anthropologists often warn than ''Homo sapiens'' may be only an overspecialized branch on the trunk of evolution.
** &quot;The Wisdom of Wilderness&quot; in ''LIFE'' (22 December 1967)

* '''Our ideals, laws and customs should be based on the proposition that each generation, in turn, becomes the custodian rather than the absolute owner of our resources and each generation has the obligation to pass this inheritance on to the future.'''
** ''New York Times Magazine'' (23 May 1971)

* Man must feel the earth to know himself and recognize his values... '''God made life simple. It is man who complicates it.'''
** As quoted in ''Reader's Digest'' (July 1972)

* '''I realized that the future of aviation, to which I had devoted so much of my life, depended less on the perfection of aircraft than on preserving the epoch-evolved environment of life, and that this was true of all technological progress.'''
** Forword to ''The Gentle Tasady : A Stone Age People in the Philippine Rain Forest'' (1975) by John Nance, a book on the [[w:Tasaday|Tasaday]] of Mindanao (7 April 1974)

* I owned the world that hour as I rode over it... free of the earth, free of the mountains, free of the clouds, but how inseparably I was bound to them.
** On flying over the Rocky Mountains, as quoted in ''Lindbergh'' (1978) by Leonard Mosley

* '''Living in dreams of yesterday, we find ourselves still dreaming of impossible future conquest...'''
** As quoted in ''Lindbergh'' (1998) by [[w:A. Scott Berg|A. Scott Berg]], p. 3

* Real freedom lies in wildness, not in civilization.
** As quoted in ''Lindbergh'' (1998) by A. Scott Berg, p. 510

* Is he alone who has courage on his right hand and faith on his left hand?
** As quoted in ''1927'' (2000) by Robert P. Fitton

* What kind of man would live where there is no danger? I don't believe in taking foolish chances. But nothing can be accomplished by not taking a chance at all.
** As quoted in ''Lindbergh: Flight's Enigmatic Hero'' (2002) by Von Hardesty

* '''Life is like a landscape. You live in the midst of it but can describe it only from the vantage point of distance.'''
** As quoted in ''Lindbergh: Flight's Enigmatic Hero'' (2002) by Von Hardesty

=== Aviation, Geography, and Race (1939) ===
[[File:Heinkel He 111 during the Battle of Britain 2.jpg|thumb|Air power is new to all our countries. It brings advantages to some and weakens others; it calls for readjustment everywhere.]]
[[File:Missouri-flyover.jpg|thumb|The forces of [[Hannibal]], [[Francis Drake|Drake]] and [[Napoleon]] moved at best with the horses' gallop or the speed of wind on sail. Now, aviation brings a new concept of time and distance to the affairs of men.]]
:&lt;small&gt;''Reader's Digest'' (November 1939), pp. 64-67&lt;/small&gt;

* '''Aviation has struck a delicately balanced world, a world where stability was already giving way to the pressure of new dynamic forces, a world dominated by a mechanical, materialist, Western European civilization.'''

* Aviation seems almost a gift from heaven to those Western nations who were already the leaders of their era, strengthening their leadership, their confidence, their dominance over other peoples. It is a tool specially shaped for Western hands, a scientific art which others only copy in a mediocre fashion; another barrier between the teeming millions of Asia and the Grecian inheritance of Europe — one of those priceless possessions which permit the White race to live at all in a pressing sea of Yellow, Black, and Brown.

* A great industrial nation may conquer the world in the span of a single life, but its Achilles' heel is time. Its children, what of them? The second and third generations, of what numbers and stuff will they be? '''How long can men thrive between walls of brick, walking on asphalt pavements, breathing the fumes of coal and of oil, growing, working, dying, with hardly a thought of wind, and sky, and fields of grain, seeing only machine-made beauty, the mineral-like quality of life.''' This is our modern danger — one of the waxen wings of flight. It may cause our civilization to fall unless we act quickly to counteract it, unless we realize that human character is more important than efficiency, that education consists of more than the mere accumulation of knowledge.

* '''Air power is new to all our countries. It brings advantages to some and weakens others; it calls for readjustment everywhere.''' &lt;br&gt; If only there were some way to measure the changing character of men, some yardstick to reapportion influence among the nations, some way to demonstrate in peace the strength of arms in war. But with all of its dimensions, its clocks, and weights, and figures, science fails us when we ask a measure for the rights of men. They cannot be judged by numbers, by distance, weight, or time; or by counting heads without a thought of what may lie within. Those intangible qualities of character, such as courage, faith, and skill, evade all systems, slip through the bars of every cage. They can be recognized, but not measured.

* '''The forces of [[Hannibal]], [[Francis Drake|Drake]] and [[Napoleon]] moved at best with the horses' gallop or the speed of wind on sail. Now, aviation brings a new concept of time and distance to the affairs of men. It demands adaptability to change, places a premium on quickness of thought and speed of action.''' &lt;br&gt; Military strength has become more dynamic and less tangible. A new alignment of power has taken place, and there is no adequate peacetime measure for its effect on the influence of nations. There seems no way to agree on the rights it brings to some and takes from others.

* Our civilization depends on peace among Western nations, and therefore on united strength, for Peace is a virgin who dare not show her face without Strength, her father, for protection. We can have peace and security only so long as we band together to preserve that most priceless possession, our inheritance of European blood, only so long as we guard ourselves against attack by foreign armies and dilution by foreign races. &lt;br&gt; We need peace to let our best men live to work out those more subtle, but equally dangerous, problems brought by this new environment in which we dwell, to give us time to turn this materialistic trend, to stop prostrating ourselves before this modern idol of mechanical efficiency, to find means of combining freedom, spirit, and beauty with industrial life — a peace which will bring character, strength, and security back to Western peoples.

=== ''Autobiography of Values'' (1978) ===
[[File:Charles Lindbergh, wearing helmet with goggles up.jpg|thumb|In some [[future]] incarnation from our [[life]] stream, we may even [[understand]] the [[reason]] for our [[existence]] in forms of [[earthly]] life. The [[growing]] [[knowledge]] of [[science]] does not refute man's [[intuition]] of the [[Mysticism|mystical]]. Whether outwardly or inwardly, whether in [[space]] or in [[time]], the farther we penetrate the unknown, the vaster and more [[marvelous]] it becomes.]]
[[File:Robot Arm Over Earth with Sunburst - GPN-2000-001097.jpg|thumb|After my [[death]], the molecules of my being will return to the [[earth]] and [[sky]]. They came from the [[stars]]. I am of the stars.]]

* In some [[future]] incarnation from our [[life]] stream, we may even [[understand]] the [[reason]] for our [[existence]] in forms of [[earthly]] life. '''The [[growing]] [[knowledge]] of [[science]] does not refute man's [[intuition]] of the [[Mysticism|mystical]]. Whether outwardly or inwardly, whether in [[space]] or in [[time]], the farther we penetrate the unknown, the vaster and more [[marvelous]] it becomes.''' Only in the twentieth century do we realize that space is not empty, that it is packed with energy; it may be existence's source. Then, if space has produced existence and the form of man, can we deduce from it a form for [[God]]?

* '''I know myself as [[mortal]], but this raises the question: &quot;What is I?&quot; Am I an individual, or am I an [[evolving]] life stream composed of countless [[selves]]?''' ... As one [[identity]], I was born in AD 1902. But as AD twentieth-century man, I am billions of years old. The life I consider as myself has existed though past eons with unbroken continuity. Individuals are custodians of the life stream — temporal manifestations of far greater being, forming from and returning to their essence like so many dreams. ... '''I recall standing on the edge of a deep valley in the [[Hawaiian]] [[island]] of [[w:Maui|Maui]], thinking that the life stream is like a [[mountain]] [[river]] — springing from hidden sources, born out of the [[earth]], touched by [[stars]], merging, blending, evolving in the shape [[momentarily]] seen.''' It is [[molecules]] probing through time, found smooth-flowing, adjusted to shaped and shaping banks, roiled by [[rocks]] and [[tree]] trunks — composed again. Now it [[ends]], [[apparently]], at a lava brink, a precipitous fall. &lt;br /&gt; Near the fall's brink, I saw [[death]] as death cannot be seen. '''I stared at the very end of life, and at life that forms beyond, at the [[fact]] of [[immortality]].''' [[Dark]] [[water]] bent, broke, disintegrated, transformed to apparition — a tall, stately [[ghost]] [[soul]] emerged from [[body]], and the finite [[individuality]] of the [[whole]] becomes the [[infinite]] individuality of particles. Mist drifted, disappeared in [[air]], a vanishing of [[spirit]]. Far below in the valley, I saw another river, reincarnated from the first, its particles reorganized to form a second body. It carried the same [[name]]. It was similar in appearance. It also ended at a lava brink. '''Flow followed fall, and fall followed flow as I descended the mountainside. The river was mortal and immortal as life, as becoming.'''

* '''I grow aware of various forms of man and of myself. I am form and I am formless, I am life and I am matter, mortal and immortal. I am one and many — myself and [[humanity]] in flux.''' I extend a multiple of ways in experience in space. I am myself now, lying on my back in the jungle grass, passing through the ether between satellites and stars. '''My aging body transmits an ageless life stream.''' Molecular and atomic replacement change life's composition. Molecules take part in structure and in training, countless trillions of them. '''After my [[death]], the molecules of my being will return to the [[earth]] and [[sky]]. They came from the [[stars]]. I am of the stars.'''

== Quotes about Lindbergh ==
[[File:Spirit of St. Louis.jpg|thumb|A [[friend]] of the first man to fly an airplane, Lindbergh [[lived]] long enough in a fast-moving [[world]] to befriend the first man to walk on the [[moon]]. ~ [[w:A.Scott Berg|A.Scott Berg]] ]]
[[File:Bourget-statue.jpg|thumb|As the first American airman to exhibit &quot;the right stuff,&quot; Lindbergh inspired his country's first astronauts by sheer example.]]
[[File:Arco iris circular.JPG|thumb|Charles is [[life]] itself — pure life, force, like sunlight — and it is for this that I married him and this that holds me to him — caring always, caring desperately what happens to him and whatever he happens to be involved in. ~ [[Anne Morrow Lindbergh]] ]]
[[File:Anne Lindbergh and son Charles Jr, mother, and grandmother cph.3b19303u.jpg|thumb| He never wanted to be regarded as a [[hero]] or [[leader]], and he never had [[political]] [[ambitions]]. ~ [[Anne Morrow Lindbergh]] ]]

* '''Lindbergh's arrival in [[Paris]] became the defining moment of his life, that event on which all his future actions hinged''' — as though they were but a predestined series of equal but opposite reactions, fraught with irony... In the spring of 1927, Lindbergh had been too consumed by what he called &quot;the single objective of landing my plane at Paris&quot; to have considered its aftermath. &quot;To plan beyond that had seemed an act of arrogance I could not afford,&quot; he would later write. '''Even if he had thought farther ahead, however, he could never have predicted the unprecedented global response to his arrival.''' &lt;br&gt; By that year, radio, telephones, radiographs, and the Bartlane Cable Process could transmit images and voices around the world within seconds. What was more, motion pictures had just mastered the synchronization of sound, allowing dramatic moments to be preserved in all their glory and distributed worldwide. '''For the first time all of civilization could share as one the sights and sounds of an event — almost instantaneously and simultaneously. And in this unusually good-looking, young aviator — of apparently impeccable character — the new technology found its first superstar.'''&lt;br&gt;The reception in Paris was only a harbinger of the unprecedented worship people would pay Lindbergh for years. Without either belittling or aggrandizing the importance of his flight, he considered it part of the continuum of human endeavor, and that he was, after all, only a man. The public saw more than that... '''Universally admired, Charles Lindbergh became the most celebrated living person ever to walk the earth.'''
** [[w:A. Scott Berg|A. Scott Berg]] in ''Lindbergh'' (1998)

* As the first American airman to exhibit &quot;the right stuff,&quot; Lindbergh inspired his country's first astronauts by sheer example. But more than that, he was — unknown to the public — the man most responsible for securing the funding that underwrote the research of Dr. [[w:Robert H. Goddard|Robert H. Goddard]], the inventor of the modern rocket. '''A friend of the first man to fly an airplane, Lindbergh lived long enough in a fast-moving world to befriend the first man to walk on the moon.'''
** A. Scott Berg in ''Lindbergh'' (1998)

* '''Lindbergh believed all the elements of the earth and heavens are connected, through space and time.''' The configurations of molecules in each moment help create the next. Thus he considered his defining moment just another step in the development of aviation and exploration — a summit built on all those that preceded it and a springboard to all those that would follow. '''Only by looking back, Lindbergh believed, could mankind move forward. &quot;In some future incarnation from our life stream,&quot; he wrote in later years, &quot;we may understand the reason for our existence in forms of earthly life.&quot; '''
** A. Scott Berg in ''Lindbergh'' (1998)

* No source, however, captures the war hates and war crimes of this merciless struggle more soberly than Charles Lindbergh's diary. For over four months in mid-1944, Lindbergh lived and flew as a civilian observer with U.S. forces based in New Guinea, and as the weeks passed he became deeply troubled, not by the willingness to kill on the part of the soldiers, which he accepted as an inherent part of the war, but by the utter contempt in which Allied fighting men held their Japanese adversaries. The famous &quot;Lone Eagle,&quot; whose isolationist sentiments had placed him among the conservative opponents of President Roosevelt's policies, really hearkened back to what [J. Glenn Gray] has called the more chivalrous tradition of the professional militarist, who accepts the necessity of war while maintaining respect for his adversaries, recognizing courage as courage and duty as duty, irrespective of the uniform worn. Lindbergh found no such sentiments among the Allied forces in the Pacific, where officers and enlisted men alike saw the enemy simply as animals and &quot;yellow sons of bitches,&quot; and his detailed journal may be the most forthright firsthand account available of the &quot;other&quot; side of the Pacific War.
** John W. Dower, ''War Without Mercy: Race &amp; Power in the Pacific War'' (1986), p. 69

* On May 18, 1944, about two weeks after Lindbergh had tied in with a Marine unit, he recorded that the camps were full of reports of Japanese torture and the beheading of captured American pilots. A month later, on June 21, he summarized the conversation of an American general who told how an unsuspecting Japanese prisoner was given a cigarette and then seized from behind and had his throat &quot;slit from ear to ear&quot; as a demonstration of how to kill Japanese. Lindbergh's objections were met with tolerant scorn and pity.
** John W. Dower, ''War Without Mercy: Race &amp; Power in the Pacific War'' (1986), p. 69-70

* On August 30, Lindbergh visited Tarawa, recalled the terrible casualties there, and told of a naval officer who lined up the few Japanese captured, kept those who could speak English for questioning, and had the rest killed. In early September, he noted that on some islands Marines actually dug up dead bodies in their search for gold teeth. Elsewhere they collected noses as well as ears, teeth, and skulls. When Lindbergh finally left the Pacific islands and cleared customs in Hawaii, he was asked if he had any bones in his baggage. It was, he was told, a routine question.
** John W. Dower, ''War Without Mercy: Race &amp; Power in the Pacific War'' (1986), p. 71

* '''Charles is life itself — pure life, force, like sunlight — and it is for this that I married him and this that holds me to him''' — caring always, caring desperately what happens to him and whatever he happens to be involved in.
** [[Anne Morrow Lindbergh]] in ''War Within and Without'' (1980)

* '''Charles was a stubborn Swede, you know, and he himself never felt the need to explain his feelings about where he stood and about past statements.''' But I feel free now to elaborate on his actual attitudes. '''He never wanted to be regarded as a [[hero]] or [[leader]], and he never had [[political]] [[ambitions]].''' His prewar isolationist speeches were given in all [[sincerity]] for what he thought was the good of the country and the world. ... He was accused of being anti-Semetic, but in the 45 years I lived with him I never heard him make a remark against the [[Jews]], not a crack or joke, and neither did any of our children.
** [[Anne Morrow Lindbergh]] in [http://www.nytimes.com/books/98/09/27/specials/lindbergh-jews.html ''The New York Times'' (20 April 1980)]

* '''No one I know of has foreseen an [[America]] like the one we live in today.''' No one (except perhaps the acidic [[H. L. Mencken]], who famously described American democracy as “the worship of jackals by jackasses”) could have imagined that the 21st-century catastrophe to befall the U.S.A., the most debasing of disasters, would appear not, say, in the terrifying guise of an [[Orwellian]] Big Brother but in the ominously ridiculous ''[[w:Commedia dell'arte|commedia dell’arte]]'' figure of the boastful buffoon. How naïve I was in 1960 to think that I was an American living in preposterous times! How quaint! But then what could I know in 1960 of 1963 or 1968 or 1974 or 2001 or 2016? ... However prescient ''[[w:The Plot Against America|The Plot Against America]]'' might seem to you, there is surely one enormous difference between the political circumstances I invent there for the U.S. in 1940 and the political calamity that dismays us so today. It's the difference in stature between a President Lindbergh and a President Trump. '''Charles Lindbergh, in life as in my novel, may have been a genuine [[racist]] and an [[anti-Semite]] and a white supremacist sympathetic to [[Fascism]], but he was also — because of the extraordinary feat of his solo trans-Atlantic flight at the age of 25 — an authentic American [[hero]] 13 years before I have him winning the presidency. ... Trump, by comparison, is a massive fraud, the evil sum of his deficiencies, devoid of everything but the hollow [[ideology]] of a megalomaniac.'''
** [[Philip Roth]], comparing Lindbergh's leadership of an &quot;[[w:America First (policy)|America First]]&quot; movement with that of [[Donald Trump]], in responses to being asked about foreseeing an America such as now exists in his earlier writings, including his alternate-history novel ''[[w:The Plot Against America|The Plot Against America]]'' (2004) where Lindbergh defeats [[FDR]] for the presidency in 1940, as quoted in  [https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/16/books/review/philip-roth-interview.html &quot;No Longer Writing, Philip Roth Still Has Plenty to Say&quot; by Charles Mcgrath, in ''The New York Times'' (16 January 2018)]

* The people of England are about finished with him. Americans are beginning to feel the same way, and the halo of hero worship around Lindbergh's head is getting pretty well tarnished.
** New Jersey Attorney General David P. Wilentz (December 1936), quoted in ''Radio and the Jews: The Untold Story of How Radio Influenced the Image of Jews'' (2007) by David S. Siegel and Susan Siegel, p. 45

==External links== 
{{wikipedia}} 
{{commonscat}}
* [http://www.lindberghfoundation.org/history/calbio.html Brief biography at the Lindbergh Foundation]
* [http://www.nytimes.com/books/98/09/27/specials/lindbergh.html?_r=1&amp;oref=slogin Articles on Lindbergh at ''The New York Times'']
* [http://www.charleslindbergh.com CharlesLindbergh.com]
*[http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/entertainment/jan-june99/pulitzer_4-23.html Interview with A. Scott Berg about his Lindbergh biography]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Lindbergh, Charles}}

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[[Category:Anti-communists from the United States]]
[[Category:Explorers from the United States]]
[[Category:Environmentalists]]
[[Category:Nationalists]]
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      <text bytes="38055" xml:space="preserve">[[File:C.A.Lindberg.jpg|thumb|[[Life]] — a culmination of the [[past]], an [[awareness]] of the [[present]], an indication of a [[future]] beyond [[knowledge]], the [[quality]] that gives a touch of [[divinity]] to matter.]]
'''[[w:Charles Lindbergh|Charles Augustus Lindbergh II]]''' ([[4 February]] [[1902]] – [[26 August]] [[1974]]) was an American aviator, author, inventor, military officer, explorer, and social activist who rose to fame after he piloted the first solo non-stop flight across the Atlantic Ocean in 1927. An isolationist prior to the US entry into World War II, and in later years an environmental activist, he was the husband of [[Anne Morrow Lindbergh]].

== Quotes == 
[[File:Charles Lindbergh and the Spirit of Saint Louis (Crisco restoration, with wings).jpg|thumb|Our [[ideals]], [[laws]] and [[customs]] should be based on the proposition that each generation, in turn, becomes the custodian rather than the absolute owner of our resources and each generation has the obligation to pass this inheritance on to the [[future]].]]
[[File:Pearl Harbor wide view attack.jpg|thumb|Now, all that I feared would happen has happened. We are at [[war]] all over the [[world]], and we are unprepared for it from either a [[spiritual]] or a material standpoint...]]
[[File:NordhausenApril1945.jpg|thumb|Here was a place where [[men]] and [[life]] and [[death]] had reached the lowest form of degradation. How could any reward in [[national]] [[progress]] even faintly justify the establishment and operation of such a place?]]
[[File:Nagasakibomb.jpg|thumb|It is not the willingness to kill on the part of our soldiers which most concerns me. That is an inherent part of [[war]]. It is our lack of [[respect]] for even the admirable characteristics of our [[enemy]]... We hold his examples of atrocity screamingly to the heavens while we cover up our own and condone them as just retribution for his acts.]]
[[File:Hiroshima aftermath.jpg|thumb|I have seen the [[science]] I worshiped, and the aircraft I loved, destroying the [[civilization]] I expected them to serve.]]
[[File:SwansCygnus olor.jpg|thumb|If I had to choose, I would rather have [[birds]] than airplanes.]]
[[File:Trees and sunshine.JPG|thumb|In wilderness I sense the [[miracle]] of [[life]], and behind it our [[scientific]] accomplishments fade to trivia.]]
[[File:Swan in Sunshine - Tierpark Olderdissen.jpg|thumb| [[Life]] is like a landscape. You live in the midst of it but can describe it only from the vantage point of distance.]]

* '''The readiness to blame a dead pilot for an accident is nauseating, but it has been the tendency ever since I can remember. What pilot has not been in positions where he was in danger and where perfect judgment would have advised against going?''' But when a man is caught in such a position he is judged only by his error and seldom given credit for the times he has extricated himself from worse situations. Worst of all, blame is heaped upon him by other pilots, all of whom have been in parallel situations themselves, but without being caught in them. '''If one took no chances, one would not fly at all. Safety lies in the judgment of the chances one takes. That judgment, in turn, must rest upon one's outlook on life. Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a mountain in fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside than in bed. Why should we look for his errors when a brave man dies? Unless we can learn from his experience, there is no need to look for weakness. Rather, we should admire the courage and spirit in his life. What kind of man would live where there is no daring? And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure? Is there a better way to die?'''
**  Journal entry (26 August 1938); later published in ''The Wartime Journals'' (1970)

* Walked to Bill Castle's home at 6:00 — about ten minutes from the Anchorage. Fulton Lewis was the only other person there. The three of us had dinner together and discussed the European situation and the action this country should take if war breaks out over there. We are disturbed about the effect of the Jewish influence in our press, radio and motion pictures. It may become very serious. Lewis told us of one instance where the Jewish advertising firms threatened to remove all their advertising from the Mutual system if a certain feature were permitted to go on the air. The threat was powerful enough to have the feature removed.
** Journal entry (23 August 1939); later published in ''The Wartime Journals'' (1970)

* The pressure for war is high and mounting. The people are opposed to it, but the Administration seems to have ‘the bit in its teeth’ and is hell-bent on its way to war. Most of the Jewish interests in the country are behind war, and they control a huge part of our press and radio and most of our motion pictures. There are the ‘intellectuals’ and the ‘Anglophiles,’ and the British agents who are allowed free rein, the international financial interests, and many others.
** Journal entry (1 May 1941); later published in ''The Wartime Journals'' (1970)

* Shall we now give up the independence we have won, and crusade abroad in a utopian attempt to force our ideas on the rest of the world; or shall we use air power, and the other advances of modern warfare, to guard and strengthen the independence of our nation?
** A speech on “Air Power” (29 August 1941)

* The three most important groups who have been pressing this country toward war are the British, the Jewish, and the Roosevelt Administration.Instead of agitating for war, Jews in this country should be opposing it in every way, for they will be the first to feel its consequences. Their greatest danger to this country lies in their large ownership and influence in our motion pictures, our press, our radio and our government.
** Speech in Des Moines, Iowa lobbying for American isolationism (11 September 1941)

* '''Now, all that I feared would happen has happened. We are at war all over the world, and we are unprepared for it from either a spiritual or a material standpoint. Fortunately, in spite of all that has been said, the oceans are still difficult to cross; and we have the time to adjust and prepare...''' We can, of course, be raided; but unless we let ourselves go completely to pieces internally, we cannot be invaded successfully. &lt;br&gt; But this is only one part of the picture. We are in a war which requires us to attack if we are to win it. We must attack in Asia and in Europe, in fact, all over the world. That means raising and equipping an army of many millions and building shipping, which we have not now got. And after that, if we are to carry through our present war aims, it probably means the bloodiest and most devastating war of all history.
** Journal entry (11 December 1941); later published in ''The Wartime Journals'' (1970)

* We talk about spreading democracy and freedom all over the world, but they are to us words rather than conditions. We haven't even got them here in America, and the farther we get into this war the farther we get away from democracy and freedom. Where is it leading us to, and when will it end? The war might stop this winter, but that is improbable. It may go on for fifty years or more. That also is improbable. The elements are too conflicting and confused to form any accurate judgment of its length. '''There may be a series of wars, one after another, going on indefinitely. &lt;br&gt;[[Possibly]] the world will come to its senses sooner than I expect. But, as I have often said, the environment of human life has changed more rapidly and more extensively in recent years than it has ever changed before. When environment changes, there must be a corresponding change in life. That change must be so great that it is not likely to be completed in a decade or in a generation.'''
** Journal entry (11 December 1941); later published in ''The Wartime Journals'' (1970)

* '''Here was a place where men and life and death had reached the lowest form of degradation. How could any reward in national progress even faintly justify the establishment and operation of such a place? '''
** After visiting the [[w:Mittelbau-Dora|Mittelbau-Dora]] concentration camp in Germany, as quoted in [http://www.nytimes.com/books/98/09/27/specials/lindbergh-jews.html ''The New York Times'' (20 April 1980)]

* The intense artillery fire has stripped the trees of leaves and branches so that the outline of the coral ridge itself can be seen silhouetted against the sky. Since I have been on Owi Island, at irregular intervals through the night and day, the sound of our artillery bombarding this Japanese stronghold has floated in across the water. This afternoon, I stood on the cliff outside our quarters (not daring to sit on the ground because of the danger of typhus) and watched the shells bursting on the ridge. For weeks that handful of Japanese soldiers, variously estimated at between 250 and 700 men, has been holding out against overwhelming odds and the heaviest bombardment our well-supplied guns can give them. &lt;br&gt; If positions were reversed and our troops held out so courageously and well, their defense would be recorded as one of the most glorious examples of tenacity, bravery, and sacrifice in the history of our nation. But, sitting in the security and relative luxury of our quarters, I listen to American Army officers refer to these Japanese soldiers as &quot;yellow sons of bitches.&quot; Their desire is to exterminate the Jap ruthlessly, even cruelly. I have not heard a word of respect or compassion spoken of our enemy since I came here. &lt;br&gt;'''It is not the willingness to kill on the part of our soldiers which most concerns me. That is an inherent part of war. It is our lack of respect for even the admirable characteristics of our enemy — for courage, for suffering, for death, for his willingness to die for his beliefs, for his companies and squadrons which go forth, one after another, to annihilation against our superior training and equipment. What is courage for us is fanaticism for him. We hold his examples of atrocity screamingly to the heavens while we cover up our own and condone them as just retribution for his acts.'''
** Journal entry (21 July 1944); later published in ''The Wartime Journals'' (1970)

* What the German has done to the Jew in Europe, we are doing to the Jap in the Pacific.
** Journal entry (21 July 1944)

* It was a love of the air and sky and flying, the lure of adventure, the appreciation of beauty. It lay beyond the descriptive words of men — where immortality is touched through danger, where life meets death on equal plane; where man is more than man, and existence both supreme and valueless at the same time.
** Thoughts on his first parachute jump in ''The Spirit of St Louis'' (1953)

* '''Life — a culmination of the past, an awareness of the present, an indication of a future beyond knowledge, the quality that gives a touch of divinity to matter.'''
** &quot;Is Civilization Progress?&quot; in ''Reader's Digest '' (July 1964)

* '''If I had to choose, I would rather have birds than airplanes.'''
** &quot;Is Civilization Progress?&quot; in ''Reader's Digest '' (July 1964)

* '''I have seen the science I worshiped, and the aircraft I loved, destroying the civilization I expected them to serve.'''
** ''Of Flight and Life'' (1948)

* '''The wild world is the human world.''' Having evolved in it for millions of centuries, we are not far removed by a cloth of civilization. It is packed into our genes. '''In fact, the more power-driven, complex and delicate our civilization becomes, the more likelihood arises that a collapse will force us back to wildness.''' There is in wildness a natural wisdom that shapes all Earth's experiments with life. Can we tap this wisdom without experiencing the agony of reverting to wildness? Can we combine it with intellectual developments of which we feel so proud, use it to redirect our modern trends before they lead to a worse breakdown than past civilizations have experienced? I believe we can, and that to do so we must learn from the primitive.
** &quot;The Wisdom of Wilderness&quot; in ''LIFE'' (22 December 1967)

* ...'''An overemphasis of science weakens human character and upsets life's essential balance. Science breeds technology. Technology leads to infinite complication.''' Examples are everywhere: in the intricacy of government and in that of business corporations: in automation and labor relations; in war, diplomacy, taxation, legislation, in almost every field of modern man's routine. From the growth of cities to that of military power, from medical requirements to social-welfare benefits, '''when progress is plotted against time, exponential curves result with which we cannot long conform. But what action should scientific man prescribe as a result of the curves he plots? How is their direction to be changed without another breakdown and return to wildness? Suppose technologists conclude theoretically that they are destroying their own culture. Are they capable of taking effective action to prevent such destruction?'''&lt;br&gt;'''The failures of previous civilizations, and the crises existing for our own, show that man has not evolved the ability to cope with limitless complication.''' He has not discovered how to control his sciences' parabolas. Here I believe '''the human intellect can learn from primitive nature, for nature was conceived in cosmic power and thrives on infinite complication. No problem has been too difficult for it to solve. From the dynamics of an atom, nature produces the tranquility of a flower, the joy of a porpoise, the intellect of man–the miracle of life.'''&lt;br&gt;'''In wilderness I sense the miracle of life, and behind it our scientific accomplishments fade to trivia.''' The construction of an analogue computer or a supersonic airplane is simple when compared to the mixture of space and evolutionary eons represented by a cell. '''In primitive rather than in civilized surroundings I grow aware of man's evolving status, as though I were suddenly released from a hypnotic state. Life itself becomes the standard of all judgement.''' How could I have overlooked, even momentarily, such an obvious fact?
** &quot;The Wisdom of Wilderness&quot; in ''LIFE'' (22 December 1967)

* '''I feel transported from the modern to a Mesozoic era, freed from the blindness caused by our clocked environment of time. Ages turn to seconds as I voyage back and forth. Man becomes a recent advent among Earth's contending forms, and civilization but a flash in evolutionary progress. Surrounded by wildness I become less aware of my individuality than the life stream individuals manifest: that tenuous, immortal quality probing an unknown future and trailing, unbroken, beyond the vaguest past. Thus stripped of my culture's armor, I am an animal among various others, emerged to represent my species' progress, the momentary form and outlook of mankind.'''&lt;br&gt;Whether in Florida's Everglades, Tanzania's Serengeti, or Java's Udjung Kulon, '''I see animals about me as earthly experiments with life; and so I feel myself. Each of us represents a life stream attempting to survive, to take advantage of every opportunity arising. The heron lengthens its legs to wade. The lion sharpens its teeth to kill. The rhinoceros thickens its skin for protection. Man develops his intellect to gain domination of the Earth, and by comparison, the speed with which he has gained this domination is astounding–another of those exponential curves that mount like an explosion.'''&lt;br&gt;'''In civilization's sky-scraping cities I feel my superiority to lower animals confirmed by man's unchallenged rule. I view other creatures with a god's aloofness; for I have intellect, and they, no more than instinct.''' But surrounded by wildness, representing the human life stream with diverse competing life streams close at hand, I start doubting my superiority. '''I am struck by the physical perfection of other species in contrast to my own, amazed at the beauty, health and balance nature has achieved through instinct's influence. I ask myself what the intellect has done to warrant its prestige. As Earth's most messy, destructive and defective animal, man's record gives him little cause for pride. Our present intellectual superiority is no guarantee of great wisdom or survival power in our genes.''' Anthropologists often warn than ''Homo sapiens'' may be only an overspecialized branch on the trunk of evolution.
** &quot;The Wisdom of Wilderness&quot; in ''LIFE'' (22 December 1967)

* '''Our ideals, laws and customs should be based on the proposition that each generation, in turn, becomes the custodian rather than the absolute owner of our resources and each generation has the obligation to pass this inheritance on to the future.'''
** ''New York Times Magazine'' (23 May 1971)

* Man must feel the earth to know himself and recognize his values... '''God made life simple. It is man who complicates it.'''
** As quoted in ''Reader's Digest'' (July 1972)

* '''I realized that the future of aviation, to which I had devoted so much of my life, depended less on the perfection of aircraft than on preserving the epoch-evolved environment of life, and that this was true of all technological progress.'''
** Forword to ''The Gentle Tasady : A Stone Age People in the Philippine Rain Forest'' (1975) by John Nance, a book on the [[w:Tasaday|Tasaday]] of Mindanao (7 April 1974)

* I owned the world that hour as I rode over it... free of the earth, free of the mountains, free of the clouds, but how inseparably I was bound to them.
** On flying over the Rocky Mountains, as quoted in ''Lindbergh'' (1978) by Leonard Mosley

* '''Living in dreams of yesterday, we find ourselves still dreaming of impossible future conquest...'''
** As quoted in ''Lindbergh'' (1998) by [[w:A. Scott Berg|A. Scott Berg]], p. 3

* Real freedom lies in wildness, not in civilization.
** As quoted in ''Lindbergh'' (1998) by A. Scott Berg, p. 510

* Is he alone who has courage on his right hand and faith on his left hand?
** As quoted in ''1927'' (2000) by Robert P. Fitton

* What kind of man would live where there is no danger? I don't believe in taking foolish chances. But nothing can be accomplished by not taking a chance at all.
** As quoted in ''Lindbergh: Flight's Enigmatic Hero'' (2002) by Von Hardesty

* '''Life is like a landscape. You live in the midst of it but can describe it only from the vantage point of distance.'''
** As quoted in ''Lindbergh: Flight's Enigmatic Hero'' (2002) by Von Hardesty

=== Aviation, Geography, and Race (1939) ===
[[File:Heinkel He 111 during the Battle of Britain 2.jpg|thumb|Air power is new to all our countries. It brings advantages to some and weakens others; it calls for readjustment everywhere.]]
[[File:Missouri-flyover.jpg|thumb|The forces of [[Hannibal]], [[Francis Drake|Drake]] and [[Napoleon]] moved at best with the horses' gallop or the speed of wind on sail. Now, aviation brings a new concept of time and distance to the affairs of men.]]
:&lt;small&gt;''Reader's Digest'' (November 1939), pp. 64-67&lt;/small&gt;

* '''Aviation has struck a delicately balanced world, a world where stability was already giving way to the pressure of new dynamic forces, a world dominated by a mechanical, materialist, Western European civilization.'''

* Aviation seems almost a gift from heaven to those Western nations who were already the leaders of their era, strengthening their leadership, their confidence, their dominance over other peoples. It is a tool specially shaped for Western hands, a scientific art which others only copy in a mediocre fashion; another barrier between the teeming millions of Asia and the Grecian inheritance of Europe — one of those priceless possessions which permit the White race to live at all in a pressing sea of Yellow, Black, and Brown.

* A great industrial nation may conquer the world in the span of a single life, but its Achilles' heel is time. Its children, what of them? The second and third generations, of what numbers and stuff will they be? '''How long can men thrive between walls of brick, walking on asphalt pavements, breathing the fumes of coal and of oil, growing, working, dying, with hardly a thought of wind, and sky, and fields of grain, seeing only machine-made beauty, the mineral-like quality of life.''' This is our modern danger — one of the waxen wings of flight. It may cause our civilization to fall unless we act quickly to counteract it, unless we realize that human character is more important than efficiency, that education consists of more than the mere accumulation of knowledge.

* '''Air power is new to all our countries. It brings advantages to some and weakens others; it calls for readjustment everywhere.''' &lt;br&gt; If only there were some way to measure the changing character of men, some yardstick to reapportion influence among the nations, some way to demonstrate in peace the strength of arms in war. But with all of its dimensions, its clocks, and weights, and figures, science fails us when we ask a measure for the rights of men. They cannot be judged by numbers, by distance, weight, or time; or by counting heads without a thought of what may lie within. Those intangible qualities of character, such as courage, faith, and skill, evade all systems, slip through the bars of every cage. They can be recognized, but not measured.

* '''The forces of [[Hannibal]], [[Francis Drake|Drake]] and [[Napoleon]] moved at best with the horses' gallop or the speed of wind on sail. Now, aviation brings a new concept of time and distance to the affairs of men. It demands adaptability to change, places a premium on quickness of thought and speed of action.''' &lt;br&gt; Military strength has become more dynamic and less tangible. A new alignment of power has taken place, and there is no adequate peacetime measure for its effect on the influence of nations. There seems no way to agree on the rights it brings to some and takes from others.

* Our civilization depends on peace among Western nations, and therefore on united strength, for Peace is a virgin who dare not show her face without Strength, her father, for protection. We can have peace and security only so long as we band together to preserve that most priceless possession, our inheritance of European blood, only so long as we guard ourselves against attack by foreign armies and dilution by foreign races. &lt;br&gt; We need peace to let our best men live to work out those more subtle, but equally dangerous, problems brought by this new environment in which we dwell, to give us time to turn this materialistic trend, to stop prostrating ourselves before this modern idol of mechanical efficiency, to find means of combining freedom, spirit, and beauty with industrial life — a peace which will bring character, strength, and security back to Western peoples.

=== ''Autobiography of Values'' (1978) ===
[[File:Charles Lindbergh, wearing helmet with goggles up.jpg|thumb|In some [[future]] incarnation from our [[life]] stream, we may even [[understand]] the [[reason]] for our [[existence]] in forms of [[earthly]] life. The [[growing]] [[knowledge]] of [[science]] does not refute man's [[intuition]] of the [[Mysticism|mystical]]. Whether outwardly or inwardly, whether in [[space]] or in [[time]], the farther we penetrate the unknown, the vaster and more [[marvelous]] it becomes.]]
[[File:Robot Arm Over Earth with Sunburst - GPN-2000-001097.jpg|thumb|After my [[death]], the molecules of my being will return to the [[earth]] and [[sky]]. They came from the [[stars]]. I am of the stars.]]

* In some [[future]] incarnation from our [[life]] stream, we may even [[understand]] the [[reason]] for our [[existence]] in forms of [[earthly]] life. '''The [[growing]] [[knowledge]] of [[science]] does not refute man's [[intuition]] of the [[Mysticism|mystical]]. Whether outwardly or inwardly, whether in [[space]] or in [[time]], the farther we penetrate the unknown, the vaster and more [[marvelous]] it becomes.''' Only in the twentieth century do we realize that space is not empty, that it is packed with energy; it may be existence's source. Then, if space has produced existence and the form of man, can we deduce from it a form for [[God]]?

* '''I know myself as [[mortal]], but this raises the question: &quot;What is I?&quot; Am I an individual, or am I an [[evolving]] life stream composed of countless [[selves]]?''' ... As one [[identity]], I was born in AD 1902. But as AD twentieth-century man, I am billions of years old. The life I consider as myself has existed though past eons with unbroken continuity. Individuals are custodians of the life stream — temporal manifestations of far greater being, forming from and returning to their essence like so many dreams. ... '''I recall standing on the edge of a deep valley in the [[Hawaiian]] [[island]] of [[w:Maui|Maui]], thinking that the life stream is like a [[mountain]] [[river]] — springing from hidden sources, born out of the [[earth]], touched by [[stars]], merging, blending, evolving in the shape [[momentarily]] seen.''' It is [[molecules]] probing through time, found smooth-flowing, adjusted to shaped and shaping banks, roiled by [[rocks]] and [[tree]] trunks — composed again. Now it [[ends]], [[apparently]], at a lava brink, a precipitous fall. &lt;br /&gt; Near the fall's brink, I saw [[death]] as death cannot be seen. '''I stared at the very end of life, and at life that forms beyond, at the [[fact]] of [[immortality]].''' [[Dark]] [[water]] bent, broke, disintegrated, transformed to apparition — a tall, stately [[ghost]] [[soul]] emerged from [[body]], and the finite [[individuality]] of the [[whole]] becomes the [[infinite]] individuality of particles. Mist drifted, disappeared in [[air]], a vanishing of [[spirit]]. Far below in the valley, I saw another river, reincarnated from the first, its particles reorganized to form a second body. It carried the same [[name]]. It was similar in appearance. It also ended at a lava brink. '''Flow followed fall, and fall followed flow as I descended the mountainside. The river was mortal and immortal as life, as becoming.'''

* '''I grow aware of various forms of man and of myself. I am form and I am formless, I am life and I am matter, mortal and immortal. I am one and many — myself and [[humanity]] in flux.''' I extend a multiple of ways in experience in space. I am myself now, lying on my back in the jungle grass, passing through the ether between satellites and stars. '''My aging body transmits an ageless life stream.''' Molecular and atomic replacement change life's composition. Molecules take part in structure and in training, countless trillions of them. '''After my [[death]], the molecules of my being will return to the [[earth]] and [[sky]]. They came from the [[stars]]. I am of the stars.'''

== Quotes about Lindbergh ==
[[File:Spirit of St. Louis.jpg|thumb|A [[friend]] of the first man to fly an airplane, Lindbergh [[lived]] long enough in a fast-moving [[world]] to befriend the first man to walk on the [[moon]]. ~ [[w:A.Scott Berg|A.Scott Berg]] ]]
[[File:Bourget-statue.jpg|thumb|As the first American airman to exhibit &quot;the right stuff,&quot; Lindbergh inspired his country's first astronauts by sheer example.]]
[[File:Arco iris circular.JPG|thumb|Charles is [[life]] itself — pure life, force, like sunlight — and it is for this that I married him and this that holds me to him — caring always, caring desperately what happens to him and whatever he happens to be involved in. ~ [[Anne Morrow Lindbergh]] ]]
[[File:Anne Lindbergh and son Charles Jr, mother, and grandmother cph.3b19303u.jpg|thumb| He never wanted to be regarded as a [[hero]] or [[leader]], and he never had [[political]] [[ambitions]]. ~ [[Anne Morrow Lindbergh]] ]]

* '''Lindbergh's arrival in [[Paris]] became the defining moment of his life, that event on which all his future actions hinged''' — as though they were but a predestined series of equal but opposite reactions, fraught with irony... In the spring of 1927, Lindbergh had been too consumed by what he called &quot;the single objective of landing my plane at Paris&quot; to have considered its aftermath. &quot;To plan beyond that had seemed an act of arrogance I could not afford,&quot; he would later write. '''Even if he had thought farther ahead, however, he could never have predicted the unprecedented global response to his arrival.''' &lt;br&gt; By that year, radio, telephones, radiographs, and the Bartlane Cable Process could transmit images and voices around the world within seconds. What was more, motion pictures had just mastered the synchronization of sound, allowing dramatic moments to be preserved in all their glory and distributed worldwide. '''For the first time all of civilization could share as one the sights and sounds of an event — almost instantaneously and simultaneously. And in this unusually good-looking, young aviator — of apparently impeccable character — the new technology found its first superstar.'''&lt;br&gt;The reception in Paris was only a harbinger of the unprecedented worship people would pay Lindbergh for years. Without either belittling or aggrandizing the importance of his flight, he considered it part of the continuum of human endeavor, and that he was, after all, only a man. The public saw more than that... '''Universally admired, Charles Lindbergh became the most celebrated living person ever to walk the earth.'''
** [[w:A. Scott Berg|A. Scott Berg]] in ''Lindbergh'' (1998)

* As the first American airman to exhibit &quot;the right stuff,&quot; Lindbergh inspired his country's first astronauts by sheer example. But more than that, he was — unknown to the public — the man most responsible for securing the funding that underwrote the research of Dr. [[w:Robert H. Goddard|Robert H. Goddard]], the inventor of the modern rocket. '''A friend of the first man to fly an airplane, Lindbergh lived long enough in a fast-moving world to befriend the first man to walk on the moon.'''
** A. Scott Berg in ''Lindbergh'' (1998)

* '''Lindbergh believed all the elements of the earth and heavens are connected, through space and time.''' The configurations of molecules in each moment help create the next. Thus he considered his defining moment just another step in the development of aviation and exploration — a summit built on all those that preceded it and a springboard to all those that would follow. '''Only by looking back, Lindbergh believed, could mankind move forward. &quot;In some future incarnation from our life stream,&quot; he wrote in later years, &quot;we may understand the reason for our existence in forms of earthly life.&quot; '''
** A. Scott Berg in ''Lindbergh'' (1998)

* No source, however, captures the war hates and war crimes of this merciless struggle more soberly than Charles Lindbergh's diary. For over four months in mid-1944, Lindbergh lived and flew as a civilian observer with U.S. forces based in New Guinea, and as the weeks passed he became deeply troubled, not by the willingness to kill on the part of the soldiers, which he accepted as an inherent part of the war, but by the utter contempt in which Allied fighting men held their Japanese adversaries. The famous &quot;Lone Eagle,&quot; whose isolationist sentiments had placed him among the conservative opponents of President Roosevelt's policies, really hearkened back to what [J. Glenn Gray] has called the more chivalrous tradition of the professional militarist, who accepts the necessity of war while maintaining respect for his adversaries, recognizing courage as courage and duty as duty, irrespective of the uniform worn. Lindbergh found no such sentiments among the Allied forces in the Pacific, where officers and enlisted men alike saw the enemy simply as animals and &quot;yellow sons of bitches,&quot; and his detailed journal may be the most forthright firsthand account available of the &quot;other&quot; side of the Pacific War.
** John W. Dower, ''War Without Mercy: Race &amp; Power in the Pacific War'' (1986), p. 69

* On May 18, 1944, about two weeks after Lindbergh had tied in with a Marine unit, he recorded that the camps were full of reports of Japanese torture and the beheading of captured American pilots. A month later, on June 21, he summarized the conversation of an American general who told how an unsuspecting Japanese prisoner was given a cigarette and then seized from behind and had his throat &quot;slit from ear to ear&quot; as a demonstration of how to kill Japanese. Lindbergh's objections were met with tolerant scorn and pity.
** John W. Dower, ''War Without Mercy: Race &amp; Power in the Pacific War'' (1986), p. 69-70

* On August 30, Lindbergh visited Tarawa, recalled the terrible casualties there, and told of a naval officer who lined up the few Japanese captured, kept those who could speak English for questioning, and had the rest killed. In early September, he noted that on some islands Marines actually dug up dead bodies in their search for gold teeth. Elsewhere they collected noses as well as ears, teeth, and skulls. When Lindbergh finally left the Pacific islands and cleared customs in Hawaii, he was asked if he had any bones in his baggage. It was, he was told, a routine question.
** John W. Dower, ''War Without Mercy: Race &amp; Power in the Pacific War'' (1986), p. 71

* '''Charles is life itself — pure life, force, like sunlight — and it is for this that I married him and this that holds me to him''' — caring always, caring desperately what happens to him and whatever he happens to be involved in.
** [[Anne Morrow Lindbergh]] in ''War Within and Without'' (1980)

* '''Charles was a stubborn Swede, you know, and he himself never felt the need to explain his feelings about where he stood and about past statements.''' But I feel free now to elaborate on his actual attitudes. '''He never wanted to be regarded as a [[hero]] or [[leader]], and he never had [[political]] [[ambitions]].''' His prewar isolationist speeches were given in all [[sincerity]] for what he thought was the good of the country and the world. ... He was accused of being anti-Semetic, but in the 45 years I lived with him I never heard him make a remark against the [[Jews]], not a crack or joke, and neither did any of our children.
** [[Anne Morrow Lindbergh]] in [http://www.nytimes.com/books/98/09/27/specials/lindbergh-jews.html ''The New York Times'' (20 April 1980)]

* '''No one I know of has foreseen an [[America]] like the one we live in today.''' No one (except perhaps the acidic [[H. L. Mencken]], who famously described American democracy as “the worship of jackals by jackasses”) could have imagined that the 21st-century catastrophe to befall the U.S.A., the most debasing of disasters, would appear not, say, in the terrifying guise of an [[Orwellian]] Big Brother but in the ominously ridiculous ''[[w:Commedia dell'arte|commedia dell’arte]]'' figure of the boastful buffoon. How naïve I was in 1960 to think that I was an American living in preposterous times! How quaint! But then what could I know in 1960 of 1963 or 1968 or 1974 or 2001 or 2016? ... However prescient ''[[w:The Plot Against America|The Plot Against America]]'' might seem to you, there is surely one enormous difference between the political circumstances I invent there for the U.S. in 1940 and the political calamity that dismays us so today. It's the difference in stature between a President Lindbergh and a President Trump. '''Charles Lindbergh, in life as in my novel, may have been a genuine [[racist]] and an [[anti-Semite]] and a white supremacist sympathetic to [[Fascism]], but he was also — because of the extraordinary feat of his solo trans-Atlantic flight at the age of 25 — an authentic American [[hero]] 13 years before I have him winning the presidency. ... Trump, by comparison, is a massive fraud, the evil sum of his deficiencies, devoid of everything but the hollow [[ideology]] of a megalomaniac.'''
** [[Philip Roth]], comparing Lindbergh's leadership of an &quot;[[w:America First (policy)|America First]]&quot; movement with that of [[Donald Trump]], in responses to being asked about foreseeing an America such as now exists in his earlier writings, including his alternate-history novel ''[[w:The Plot Against America|The Plot Against America]]'' (2004) where Lindbergh defeats [[FDR]] for the presidency in 1940, as quoted in  [https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/16/books/review/philip-roth-interview.html &quot;No Longer Writing, Philip Roth Still Has Plenty to Say&quot; by Charles Mcgrath, in ''The New York Times'' (16 January 2018)]

* The people of England are about finished with him. Americans are beginning to feel the same way, and the halo of hero worship around Lindbergh's head is getting pretty well tarnished.
** New Jersey Attorney General David P. Wilentz (December 1936), quoted in ''Radio and the Jews: The Untold Story of How Radio Influenced the Image of Jews'' (2007) by David S. Siegel and Susan Siegel, p. 45

==External links== 
{{wikipedia}} 
{{commonscat}}
* [http://www.lindberghfoundation.org/history/calbio.html Brief biography at the Lindbergh Foundation]
* [http://www.nytimes.com/books/98/09/27/specials/lindbergh.html?_r=1&amp;oref=slogin Articles on Lindbergh at ''The New York Times'']
* [http://www.charleslindbergh.com CharlesLindbergh.com]
*[http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/entertainment/jan-june99/pulitzer_4-23.html Interview with A. Scott Berg about his Lindbergh biography]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Lindbergh, Charles}}

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    <title>This Hour Has 22 Minutes</title>
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      <text bytes="8008" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:This Hour has 22 Minutes|This Hour has 22 Minutes]]''''' (commonly shortened to 22 Minutes since 2009) is a [[Canadian]] satirical &quot;news&quot; program that has gained considerable notoriety in Canada and contributed to not insignificant governmental shifts. It airs  weekly  on [[CBC]] Television. It launched in 1993 during Canada's 35th general election and focuses on Canadian politics with a combination of news parody, sketch comedy, and satirical editorials.

{{tv-stub}}
==Season 13==
===October 28, 2005===
*Go [BLEEP] yourselves! ''[to the people who had won the lottery in the past weekend]''

==Season 14==
===October 11, 2006 [14.2]===
:'''Shaun Majumder''': So are you concerned about these cuts to literacy programs?
:'''Graham Wilson '''(Conservative strategist played by Mark Critch): Not at always. We analyzed the data and realizated that we issue the tackling of literalness through learning adults, and continuing edufication.
:'''Shaun Majumder''': I see, but is it really necessary to cut given the surplus?
:'''Graham Wilson''': Sure it's thinking to tempt &quot;oh, we have a money of surplus here, let's not eliminize anything&quot;, but we want don't just surpluses, we want gooder programs delivered more better.
:'''Shaun Majumder''': Yes, but over nine million Canadians have trouble reading and writing.
:'''Graham Wilson''': I know, it's repressing, especially since many of them are childs. I believe me, we feel a great deal of symphony for these people. It may surmise you to know, I too had trouble learnifying to read.
:'''Shaun Majumder''': But doesn't cutting these programs have a broader economic impact with these people having trouble getting jobs?
:'''Graham Wilson''': Not really. Look at me. A few months ago, I could barely spill my own mane. Now I have a grape job at the Monastery of Finance.
:'''Shaun Majumder''': Well, thank you very much for your time.
:'''Graham Wilson''': My pressure.

===March 10, 2006 [14.13]===
:''[Segment entitled &quot;Really Important Canadian History&quot;]''
:'''Mark Critch''': July 1, 1867: the date when Canada's provinces were first united by the [[w:British North America Act|British North America Act]], so called because at the time Britain was a part of North America. It would remain so until the Halifax Explosion of 1958. It was our first president, Sir Ronald A. McDonald, who realized that if united, the provinces would be much stronger. So he took his idea to King Elizabeth, and faster than you could say &quot;boo&quot; Nova Scotia; New Brunswick; [[w:Prince Edward Island|that island]]; Quebec; Ontario, which at the time was called Manitoba; and Manitoba, at the time called Ontario, were joined together. A Capital was picked: Toronto. And a name for the new nation was chosen: Canada, a native Incan word meaning &quot;''greater'' Toronto&quot;.

==Season 15==
===February 28, 2008 [15.15]===
:'''&quot;Danny Williams&quot;''': Pakistan and Newfoundland have a lot in common: we're both economically challenged, we man a lot of call centres, our people feature heavily in jokes about people walking into bars.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''&quot;Pervez Musharaf&quot;''': Hello New-found-land. You know, I admire your premier very much. I love people who make me seem not insane.

==Season 16==
===February 24, 2009 [16.15]===
:'''Spokesperson''': We here at the national Do Not Call Registry would like to sincerely apologize.  The registry fell into the wrong hands; many of you who signed up say you're now receiving more telemarketing calls than ever before.  We hear you when you say you feel royally screwed, that's why we're launching the national Do Not Royally Screw Registry.  Here's how it works: once you've signed up you'll be paired with one of our nation's many lonely seniors.  The next time you get a telemarketing call - ''[voiceover continues while showing a man picking up a phone]''
:'''Man''': Hello?
:'''Spokesperson''': ...Simply press #65 ''[the man does so]'', and the call will be forwarded to them.
:'''Elderly woman''': ''[Answers her phone]'' Hello?  I can't find my good scissors and that home-care worker is stealing my shoes!
:'''Spokesperson''': She gets someone to talk to.  You get peace of mind.  And the telemarketer gets an ear-full of this:
:'''Elderly woman''': Do you remember Mrs. Cherninky?  Lived on Eugeny Street.  Well, she borrowed a dress from me in 1974 and I have ''not'' seen it since!

===March 10, 2009 [16.17]===
:'''&quot;George Bush&quot;''': It's good to be in Canada; best country north of North America.  I am inspired by you snow-Mexicans.  Take your old president, Gene Curtains &lt;nowiki&gt;[&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[w:Jean Chrétien|Jean Chrétien]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt;;  I mean, I had to torture people in secret prisons, [[w:Shawinigan Handshake|he strangles people right out in the open]], man, that takes balls!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Gavin Crawford''': Last Sunday was [[International Women's Day]], the global day connecting women around the world and inspiring them to achieve their full potential.  To celebrate the event, Prime Minister Stephen Harper cancelled it.

===March 17, 2009 [16.18]===
:'''Mark Critch''': The National Museum of American History announced this week that they discovered a secret message inside one of [[Abraham Lincoln|President Lincoln's]] watches, which they claim was not even seen by the president.  Insiders say it's too bad, because the message said, &quot;DUCK!&quot;.

===March 24, 2009 [16.19]===
:'''Gavin Crawford''': As the Obama administration pushes through its 800 billion dollar deficit-spending economic stimulus plan, the American public is largely unaware that the true deficit of the American government is actually 65 trillion in total obligations, exceeding the Gross Domestic Product of... the world.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''&quot;Rex Murphy&quot;''': Last week Canada's science minister refused to say if he believed in evolution, because a question about his religious beliefs was inappropriate.  So it is then the utmost delicacy that I say to [[w:Gary Goodyear|Minister Goodyear]], &quot;grow up, boy!&quot;.  And by the way, I think you can safely cancel the feasibility studies into the cost of a fence around the earth so nobody falls off.

==Episode unidentified==
[[File:Canada150 at Parliament Hill in December 2017 (25185231738).jpg|thumb]]
* 22 Minutes looks back to the War of 1812, and the brief moment when Canada crushed America. 
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nECvu5BkcQs It’s time to burn this mother down | Canada 150] May 12, 2017

* New Brunswick Premier Brian Gallant joined the 22 Minutes cast in Halifax but don't worry - he watered the trees before he left New Brunswick
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fG7IGEbFZcA We joke because we love... making fun of New Brunswick | 22 Minutes] ( (82,585 views Dec 15, 2017)

* Today I am excited  to announce that I am going to make Alberta the fifty first stae,  I really am.
**  [[w:Mark Critch|Mark Critch]] / [[President Trump]] in '''Make Alberta Great Again ([[w:Make America Great Again|MAGA]])''' [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XYkSux1fqXY video] November 22, 2019

==Cast==
[[File: Gavin Crawford on set Because News.jpg|thumb|Gavin Crawford on set during a taping of Before News]]
* [[w:Cathy Jones|Cathy Jones]] (1993–present)
* [[w:Shaun Majumder|Shaun Majumder]] (2003–present)
* [[w:Mark Critch|Mark Critch]] (2005–present)
* [[w:Gavin Crawford|Gavin Crawford]] (2004–?)
* [[w:Susan Kent (actress)|Susan Kent]] (?- present)
* [[w:Greg Thomey|Greg Thomey]] (1993–2005)
* [[w:Mary Walsh|Mary Walsh]] (1993–2004)
* [[w:Colin Mochrie|Colin Mochrie]] (2001–2003)
* [[w:Rick Mercer|Rick Mercer]] (1993–2001)
* [[w:Geri Hall|Geri Hall]] (2008–?)

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|0163963|This Hour Has 22 Minutes}}
* [http://www.cbc.ca/22minutes Official Website]

[[Category:CBC shows]]
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| bgcolor=#dddddd | [[#Z|Z]]
|-
! bgcolor=#dddddd align=left | [[#Requested|Requested]]:&amp;nbsp;
| bgcolor=#dddddd | [[#Requested 0-9|0-9]]
| bgcolor=#dddddd | [[#Requested A|A]]
| bgcolor=#dddddd | [[#Requested B|B]]
| bgcolor=#dddddd | [[#Requested C|C]]
| bgcolor=#dddddd | [[#Requested D|D]]
| bgcolor=#dddddd | [[#Requested E|E]]
| bgcolor=#dddddd | [[#Requested F|F]]
| bgcolor=#dddddd | [[#Requested G|G]]
| bgcolor=#dddddd | [[#Requested H|H]]
| bgcolor=#dddddd | &amp;nbsp;[[#Requested I|I]]&amp;nbsp;
| bgcolor=#dddddd | &amp;nbsp;[[#Requested J|J]]&amp;nbsp;
| bgcolor=#dddddd | [[#Requested K|K]]
| bgcolor=#dddddd | [[#Requested L|L]]
| bgcolor=#dddddd | [[#Requested M|M]]
| bgcolor=#dddddd | [[#Requested N|N]]
| bgcolor=#dddddd | [[#Requested O|O]]
| bgcolor=#dddddd | [[#Requested P|P]]
| bgcolor=#dddddd | [[#Requested Q|Q]]
| bgcolor=#dddddd | [[#Requested R|R]]
| bgcolor=#dddddd | [[#Requested S|S]]
| bgcolor=#dddddd | [[#Requested T|T]]
| bgcolor=#dddddd | [[#Requested U|U]]
| bgcolor=#dddddd | [[#Requested V|V]]
| bgcolor=#dddddd | [[#Requested W|W]]
| bgcolor=#dddddd | [[#Requested X|X]]
| bgcolor=#dddddd | [[#Requested Y|Y]]
| bgcolor=#dddddd | [[#Requested Z|Z]]
|-
| colspan=9 align=center bgcolor=#bbbbbb | [[#Notes|Notes]]
| colspan=9 align=center bgcolor=#bbbbbb | [[#See also|See also]]
| colspan=10 align=center bgcolor=#bbbbbb | [[#External links|External links]]
|}
----

==0-9==
* [[9 to 5 (film)]]
* [[The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee]]
* [[42nd Street (musical)]]
* [[1776]]
* [[21 Chump Street]]

==A==
* [[A Chorus Line]]
* [[A Christmas Carol]]
* [[A Class Act]]
* [[A Thurber Carnival]]
* [[Addams Family]]
* [[Aida]]
* [[Ain't Misbehavin']]
* [[Ain't Too Proud]]
* [[Aladdin]]
* [[All Shook Up]]
* [[Altar Boys]]
* [[Amelie]]
* [[American Idiot]]
* [[An American in Paris]]
* [[Anastasia]]
* [[Anatomy of Gray]]
* [[Angels in America]]
* [[Annie]] 
* [[Annie Get Your Gun]]
* [[Antigone]]
* [[Anyone Can Whistle]]
* [[Anything Goes]]
* [[Applause]]
* [[Aspects of Love]]
* [[Assassins (musical)|Assassins]] 
* [[Avenue]]

==B==
* [[Babes in Arms]]
* [[Babes in Toyland]]
* [[Baby]]
* [[Ballroom]]
* [[The Band]]
* [[Bandstand]]
* [[Bare]]
* [[Barnum]]
* [[Bat Boy the Musical]]
* [[Be More Chill]]
* [[Beautiful]]
* [[Beauty and the Beast]] 
* [[Beetljuice]]
* [[Beggar's Opera]]
* [[Beyond the Fringe]]
* [[Big]] 
* [[Big River]]
* [[Billy Elliott]]
* [[Blood Brothers]]
* [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boeing-Boeing_(play) Boeing-Boeing]
* [[Bonnie and Clyde]]
* [[The Book of Mormon]]
* [[The Boyfriend]]
* [[Boys From Syracuse]] 
* [[Breakfast at Tiffany's]] 
* [[Brigadoon]] 
* [[Bright Lights, Big City]]
* [[Brighton Beach Memoirs]]
* [[Bring It On]]
* [[Buddy:  The Buddy Holly Story]]
* [[Bugsy Malone]]
* [[Bye Bye Birdie]]
* [[By Jeeves]]

==C==
* [[Cabaret]] 
* [[Calamity Jane]]
* [[Call Me Madam]]
* [[Camelot]]
* [[Can-Can]]
* [[Canterbury Tales]]
* [[Carnival]]
* [[Carousel]]
* [[Carrie]]
* [[Catch Me If You Can]]
* [[Cat On a Hot Tin Roof]]
* [[Cats]]
* [[Chess]]
* [[Chicago]]
* [[Children of Eden]]
* [[Chitty Chitty Bang Bang]]
* [[Cinderella]] 
* [[City of Angels]]
* [[Closer Than Ever]]
* [[Clue: The Musical]]
* [[Color Purple, The]]
* [[Come from away]]
* [[Company]]
* [[Copacabana]]
* [[Crazy For You]]
* [[The Christmas Carol]]
* [[The Crucible]]
* [[Curtains]]
* [[Cyrano]]

==D==
* [[Damn Yankees]]
* [[Dangerous Game]]
* [[Dear Evan Hansen]]
* [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_of_a_Salesman Death of a Salesman]
* [[Desert Song]]
* [[Dirty Rotten Scoundrels]]
* [[Don Giovanni]]
* [[Dracula]]
* [[Dreamgirls]]
* [[Drowsy Chaperone]]
* [[Duchess of Malfi]]
* [[Dear Evan Hansen]]

==E==
* [[Elf: The Musical]]
* [[Escape To Margaritaville]]
* [[Evita]]
* [[Everybody's Talking About Jamie]]

==F==
* [[Falsettos]]
* [[Fame]] 
* [[The Fantasticks]] 
* [[Fiddler on the Roof]]
* [[Finding Neverland]]
* [[Finian's Rainbow]]
* [[Flower Drum Song]]
* [[Follies]]
* [[Footloose]] 
* [[Forbidden Broadway]]
* [[Forty-Second Street]]
* [[Free As Air]]
* [[Full Monty]] 
* [[Funny Girl]]

==G==
* [[Garfield]]
* [[Gentlemen Prefer Blondes]]
* [[Gigi]]
* [[Girl Crazy]]
* [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Glass_Menagerie Glass Menagerie, The]
* [[Godspell]] 
* [[Grand Night For Singing]]
* [[Grease]]
* [[Groundhog Day]]
* [[Guys and Dolls]]
* [[Gypsy]]

==H==
* [[Hair]] 
* [[Hairspray]]
* [[Half a Sixpence]]
* [[Hamilton (musical)]]
* [[Happy Days]]
* [[Harry Potter and the Cursed Child]]
* [[Heathers]]
* [[Hedwig and the Angry Inch]]
* [[Hello Dolly!]]
* [[High School Musical 1-3]]
* [[High Society]]
* [[Hired Man]]
* [[Honk!]]
* [[How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying]]
* [[The Hunchback of Notre Dame]]

==I==
* [[I Love You Because]]
* [[I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change]]
* [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Importance_of_Being_Earnest Importance of Being Earnest, The]
* [[Inherit the Wind]]
* [[In The Heights]]
* [[Into the Woods]]
* [[It's a Bird... It's a Plane... It's Superman]]
* [[It's A Wonderful Life]]

==J==
* [[Jagged Little Pill]]
* [[James and the Giant Peach]]
* [[Jekyll and Hyde]]
* [[Jersey Boys]]
* [[Jesus Christ Superstar]] 
* [[Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat]]
* [[Junior Miss]]

==K==
* [[The King and I]]
* [[Kinky Boots]]
* [[Kiss Me Kate]]
* [[Kismet]]
* [[Kiss of a Spider Woman]]
* [[Knickerbocker Holiday]]

==L==
* [[La Cage Aux Folles]] 
* [[Last Five Years]]
* [[The Last Ship]]
* [[Legally Blonde]]
* [[Les Misérables]] 
* [[Light in the Piazza]]
* [[Lion King]] 
* [[Little Shop of Horrors]]
* [[Little Women]]
* [[Love Story]]
* [[Lucky Stiff]]

==M==
* [[Mack and Mabel]]
* [[Mame]]
* [[Mamma Mia]] 
* [[Man of La Mancha]]
* [[Marry Me a Little]]
* [[Mary Poppins]]
* [[Matilda]]
* [[Me and My Girl]]
* [[Mean Girls]]
* [[Meet Me in St. Louis]]
* [[Merrily We Roll Along]]
* [[Million Dollar Quartet]]
* [[Miss Saigon]]
* [[Most Happy Fella]]
* [[Murder Ballad]]
* [[The Music Man]]
* [[My Fair Lady]]

==N==
* [[New Girl in Town]]
* [[Newsies]]
* [[Next to Normal]]
* [[Nice Work If You Can Get It]]
* [[Nine]]
* [[No, No, Nanette]]
* [[No Strings]]
* [[Nunsense]]

==O==
* [[Oh, Coward!]]
* [[Oh, Kay!]]
* [[Oklahoma!]] 
* [[Oliver!]] 
* [[On a Clear Day You Can See Forever]]
* [[Once]]
* [[Once Upon a Mattress]]
* [[On the Town]]
* [[On the Verge]]
* [[Once on this Island]]

==P==
* [[Paint Your Wagon]]
* [[The Pajama Game]]
* [[Pal Joey]]
* [[Parade]]
* [[Patience]]
* [[Peter Pan]] 
* [[The Phantom of the Opera]] 
* [[Pipe Dream]]
* [[Pippin]]
* [[ The Play That Went Wrong]]
* [[Porgy and Bess]]
* [[Pretty Woman (musical)]]
* [[Priscilla Queen of the Desert]]
* [[The Producers]]
* [[Promises, Promises]]

==Q==
* [[Queen o' Hearts]]

==R==
* [[Ragtime]] 
* [[Rent]] 
* [[Rock of Ages]]
* [[Rocky the Musical]]
* [[Rocky Horror Show]]

==S==
* [[Salad Days]]
* [[Saturday Night Fever]]
* [[Scarlet Pimpernel]]
* [[School of Rock]]
* [[Scrooge]]
* [[Secret Garden]]
* [[Seussical]]
* [[Seven Brides for Seven Brothers]]
* [[Seventeen]]
* [[She Loves Me]]
* [[Shout!]]
* [[Show Boat]]
* [[Shrek the Musical]]
* [[Singin' in the Rain]]
* [[Sister Act]]
* [[Six]]
* [[Sleep No More (2011 play)|Sleep No More]]
* [[Smokey Joe's Café]]
* [[Something Rotten]]
* [[Song and Dance]]
* [[Songs for a New World]]
* [[Sound of Music]]
* [[South Pacific]]
* [[Spamalot]]
* [[Spelling Bee]]
* [[Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark]]
* [[Spring Awakening]]
* [[Starlight Express]]
* [[Starmites]]
* [[State Fair]]
* [[Steel Magnolias]]
* [[Steel Pier]]
* [[Stop The World - I Want to Get Off!]]
* [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Streetcar_Named_Desire Streetcar Named Desire, A]
* [[Strike Up the Band]]
* [[Sunday in the Park with George]]
* [[Sunset Boulevard]]
* [[Sweeney Todd]]
* [[Sweet Charity]]
* [[Swing]]
* [[Swingtime]]

==T==
* [[The Book of Mormon]]
* [[The Greatest Showman]]
* [[The Threepenny Opera]]
* [[The color purple]]
* [[Thirteen]]
* [[Thoroughly Modern Millie]] 
* [[Tick Tick Boom]]
* [[Timeless]]
* [[Titanic]]
* [[To Kill A Mockingbird]]
* [[Tommy]]
* [[Twelve Angry Jurors]]

==U==
* [[Urinetown: The Musical]]

==V==
* [[Victor/Victoria]]
* [[Violet]]

==W==
* [[Waiting for Godot]]
* [[Waitress (musical)]]
* [[The Wedding Singer]]
* [[Wesele]]
* [[West Side Story]]
* [[We Will Rock You]]
* [[Whistle Down the Wind]]
* [[White Christmas]]
* [[The Who's Tommy]]
* [[Wicked (musical)]] 
* [[Wild Party]]
* [[Wind in the Willows]]
* [[The Wiz]] 
* [[The Wizard of Oz]]
* [[Wonderful Town]]
* [[Wonderland]]

==X==
Xanadu

==Y==
*[[Young Frankenstein]]
*[[You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown]]
*[[You Can’t Take it with You!]]

==Z==
*[[Ziegfeld Follies]]
*[[Zorba]]

==Requested==

===Requested: &amp;===
&amp; Juliet

===Requested: A===
A Thurber Carnival

===Requested B===

Boys in the Photograph

Beetlejuice

BKLYN

Bat Out of Hell

===Requested C===

Court Jester, The

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

===Requested D===

Dixie Swim Club

Dogfight

===Requested F===

Fun Home

Freaky Friday

===Requested H===
Hadestown

===Requested L===

Life With Father

Lizard boy

Lightning Thief, the

===Requested M===

The Miracle Worker

===Requstes N===
Noises On
The Nightmare Before Christmas

===Requested O===

Once

Or

===Requested P===
Peter and The Star-Catcher

Pirate Queen

Proof

Priscilla queen of the desert

Pirates of Penzance

Pippin

Peter Pan

The Prom

===Requested R===

A Raisin In the Sun

Rock of ages

Rent

===Requested T===

Twisted

A Tree Grows in Brooklyn

The Great Comet

The Story Of A Gay Dinosaur

The Life Of A Tiktoker

The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals

Tuck Everlasting

===Requested W===

War Paint

===Requested Y===

You Can't Take It With You

===Requested Z===
Zorr

==Notes==
'''When adding a title to the Requested section, please check first to see if it is already in the list (either under the main or the Requested section).''' If it isn't, you might also check to see if the article exists (by entering the title in the Search box and pressing Go), as some editors may have forgotten to add their new TV show articles to this list.

When creating a page for a play, please include the range of years the play was telecast and list key creators of the show, as well as the quotations from it. After the quotations, please provide a list of major members of the cast. Links to the IMDb and other sites with reviews or trailers can all be helpful additions. See this article's discussion page for discussions and examples of formats for television show articles.

After a play article has been created, the link on this page will be blue. Please move these titles into the main (existing article) section after creating the show article.

If you would like Wikiquote to be the ultimate resource for theatrical play quotations, please help us expand these articles that need attention to.

==See also==
{{media lists}}

[[Category:Broadway| ]]
[[Category:Plays| ]]
[[Category:Lists|theatrical plays and musicals]]</text>
      <sha1>2qqrdsl8jx6sdrnvc9q0nkib19vrifw</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Family Guy</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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    <revision>
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      <parentid>3116392</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T20:52:46Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
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      <text bytes="49701" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Family Guy|Family Guy]]''''' is an American adult animated sitcom created by [[Seth MacFarlane]] for FOX in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on [[w:Adult Swim|Adult Swim]], production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

:'' ''Family Guy'' and all related characters, episodes and quotes are a copyright of 20th Century FOX. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the'' Wikimedia Foundation ''DO NOT claim ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference purposes only. Neither Wikiquote nor its parent company, ''The Wikimedia Foundation,'' have any affiliation with 20th Century FOX, or its parent company, The Walt Disney Company, in any way, shape, or form.'' 

:''Please read [[Family Guy/Format]] for notes on how to use and edit this article.''

The border colors for the episodes correspond to the DVD Volume in which they appear. Those episodes in '''''bold and italics''''' are also part of the Freakin' Sweet Collection.

:&lt;span style=&quot;color:gold;&quot;&gt;&lt;b&gt;Gold&lt;/b&gt;&lt;/span&gt; represents Volume 1
:&lt;span style=&quot;color:turquoise;&quot;&gt;&lt;b&gt;Turquoise&lt;/b&gt;&lt;/span&gt; represents Volume 2
:&lt;span style=&quot;color:orange;&quot;&gt;&lt;b&gt;Orange&lt;/b&gt;&lt;/span&gt; represents Volume 3
:&lt;span style=&quot;color:green;&quot;&gt;&lt;b&gt;Green&lt;/b&gt;&lt;/span&gt; represents Volume 4
:&lt;span style=&quot;color:red;&quot;&gt;&lt;b&gt;Red&lt;/b&gt;&lt;/span&gt; represents Volume 5
:&lt;span style=&quot;color:blue;&quot;&gt;&lt;b&gt;Blue&lt;/b&gt;&lt;/span&gt; represents Volume 6
:&lt;span style=&quot;color:yellow;&quot;&gt;&lt;b&gt;Yellow&lt;/b&gt;&lt;/span&gt; represents Volume 7
:&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey;&quot;&gt;&lt;b&gt;Grey&lt;/b&gt;&lt;/span&gt; represents Volume 8
:&lt;span style=&quot;color:olive;&quot;&gt;&lt;b&gt;Olive&lt;/b&gt;&lt;/span&gt; represents Volume 9
:&lt;span style=&quot;color:navy;&quot;&gt;&lt;b&gt;Navy&lt;/b&gt;&lt;/span&gt; represents Volume 10
:&lt;span style=&quot;color:lime;&quot;&gt;&lt;b&gt;Lime&lt;/b&gt;&lt;/span&gt; represents Volume 11
:&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;&lt;b&gt;Black&lt;/b&gt;&lt;/span&gt; represents Volume 12 and individual releases
:&lt;span style=&quot;color:brown;&quot;&gt;&lt;b&gt;Brown&lt;/b&gt;&lt;/span&gt; represents Volume 13
:&lt;span style=&quot;color:maroon;&quot;&gt;&lt;b&gt;Maroon&lt;/b&gt;&lt;/span&gt; represents Volume 14
:&lt;span style=&quot;color:magenta;&quot;&gt;&lt;b&gt;Magenta&lt;/b&gt;&lt;/span&gt; represents Volume 15
:&lt;span style=&quot;color:cyan;&quot;&gt;&lt;b&gt;Cyan&lt;/b&gt;&lt;/span&gt; represents Volume 16
:&lt;span style=&quot;color:lavender;&quot;&gt;&lt;b&gt;Lavender&lt;/b&gt;&lt;/span&gt; represents Volume 17
:&lt;span style=&quot;color:teal;&quot;&gt;&lt;b&gt;Teal&lt;/b&gt;&lt;/span&gt; represents Volume 18

__NOTOC__
{| border=1 cellpadding=4
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | [[Family Guy/Season 1|Season 1]]
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | [[Family Guy/Season 2|Season 2]]
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | [[Family Guy/Season 3|Season 3]]
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | [[Family Guy/Season 4|Season 4]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid gold;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 1#Death Has a Shadow|[1.01] Death Has a Shadow]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid gold;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 2#Peter, Peter, Caviar Eater|[2.01] Peter, Peter, Caviar Eater]] 
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid turquoise;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 3#The Thin White Line|[3.01] The Thin White Line]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid orange;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 4#North by North Quahog|[4.01] North by North Quahog]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid gold;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 1#I Never Met the Dead Man|[1.02] I Never Met the Dead Man]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid gold;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 2#Holy Crap|[2.02] Holy Crap]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid turquoise;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 3#Brian Does Hollywood|[3.02] Brian Does Hollywood]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid orange;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 4#Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High|[4.02] Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid gold;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 1#Chitty Chitty Death Bang|[1.03] Chitty Chitty Death Bang]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid gold;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 2#Da Boom|[2.03] Da Boom]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid turquoise;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 3#Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington|[3.03] Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid orange;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 4#Blind Ambition|[4.03] Blind Ambition]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid gold;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 1#Mind Over Murder|[1.04] Mind Over Murder]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid gold;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 2#Brian in Love|[2.04] Brian in Love]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid turquoise;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 3#One If By Clam, Two If By Sea|[3.04] One If By Clam, Two If By Sea]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid orange;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 4#Don't Make Me Over|[4.04] Don't Make Me Over]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid gold;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 1#A Hero Sits Next Door|[1.05] A Hero Sits Next Door]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid gold;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 2#Love Thy Trophy|[2.05] Love Thy Trophy]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid turquoise;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 3#And the Wiener is...|[3.05] And the Wiener is...]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid orange;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 4#The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire|[4.05] The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid gold;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 1#The Son Also Draws|[1.06] The Son Also Draws]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid gold;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 2#Death is a Bitch|[2.06] Death is a Bitch]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid turquoise;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 3#Death Lives|[3.06] Death Lives]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid orange;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 4#Petarded|[4.06] Petarded]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid gold;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 1#Brian: Portrait of a Dog|[1.07] Brian: Portrait of a Dog]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid gold;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 2#The King is Dead|[2.07] The King is Dead]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid turquoise;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 3#Lethal Weapons|[3.07] '''''Lethal Weapons''''']]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid orange;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 4#Brian the Bachelor|[4.07] Brian the Bachelor]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; rowspan=21 |
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid gold;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 2#I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar|[2.08] '''''I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar''''']]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid turquoise;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 3#The Kiss Seen Around the World|[3.08] The Kiss Seen Around the World]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid orange;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 4#8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter|[4.08] 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter]]
|- 
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid gold;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 2#If I'm Dyin', I'm Lyin'|[2.09] If I'm Dyin', I'm Lyin']]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid turquoise;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 3#Mr. Saturday Knight|[3.09] Mr. Saturday Knight]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid orange;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 4#Breaking Out Is Hard to Do|[4.09] Breaking Out Is Hard to Do]]
|- 
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid gold;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 2#Running Mates|[2.10] Running Mates]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid turquoise;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 3#Emission Impossible|[3.10] Emission Impossible]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid orange;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 4#Model Misbehavior|[4.10] Model Misbehavior]]
|- 
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid gold;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 2#A Picture is Worth A 1000 Bucks|[2.11] A Picture is Worth A 1000 Bucks]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid turquoise;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 3#To Love and Die in Dixie|[3.11] '''''To Love and Die in Dixie''''']]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid orange;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 4#Peter's Got Woods|[4.11] Peter's Got Woods]]
|- 
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid gold;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 2#Fifteen Minutes of Shame|[2.12] Fifteen Minutes of Shame]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid turquoise;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 3#A Fish Out of Water|[3.12] A Fish Out of Water]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid orange;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 4#The Perfect Castaway|[4.12] The Perfect Castaway]]
|- 
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid gold;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 2#Road to Rhode Island|[2.13] '''''Road to Rhode Island''''']]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid turquoise;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 3#Screwed the Pooch|[3.13] Screwed the Pooch]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid orange;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 4#Jungle Love|[4.13] Jungle Love]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid gold;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 2#Let's Go To The Hop|[2.14] Let's Go to the Hop]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid turquoise;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 3#Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?|[3.14] Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid green;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 4#PTV|[4.14] PTV]]
|- 
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid gold;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 2#Dammit Janet|[2.15] Dammit Janet]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid turquoise;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 3#Ready, Willing, and Disabled|[3.15] Ready, Willing, and Disabled]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid green;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 4#Brian Goes Back To College|[4.15] Brian Goes Back To College]]
|- 
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid gold;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 2#There's Something About Paulie|[2.16] There's Something About Paulie]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid turquoise;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 3#A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas|[3.16] A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas]] 
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid green;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 4#The Courtship of Stewie's Father|[4.16] The Courtship of Stewie's Father]]
|- 
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid gold;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 2#He's Too Sexy For His Fat|[2.17] He's Too Sexy For His Fat]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid turquoise;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 3#Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows|[3.17] Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid green;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 4#The Fat Guy Strangler|[4.17] The Fat Guy Strangler]]
|- 
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid gold;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 2#E. Peterbus Unum|[2.18] E. Peterbus Unum]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid turquoise;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 3#From Method to Madness|[3.18] From Method to Madness]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid green;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 4#The Father, the Son, and the Holy Fonz|[4.18] The Father, the Son, and the Holy Fonz]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid gold;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 2#The Story on Page One|[2.19] The Story on Page One]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid turquoise;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 3#Stuck Together, Torn Apart|[3.19] Stuck Together, Torn Apart]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid green;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 4#Brian Sings and Swings|[4.19] Brian Sings and Swings]]
|- 
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid gold;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 2#Wasted Talent|[2.20] Wasted Talent]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid turquoise;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 3#Road to Europe|[3.20] Road to Europe]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid green;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 4#Patriot Games|[4.20] Patriot Games]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid gold;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 2#Fore Father|[2.21] Fore Father]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid turquoise;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 3#Family Guy Viewer Mail #1|[3.21] Family Guy Viewer Mail #1]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid green;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 4#I Take Thee Quagmire|[4.21] I Take Thee Quagmire]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; rowspan=7 |
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid turquoise;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 3#When You Wish Upon a Weinstein|[3.22] '''''When You Wish Upon a Weinstein''''']]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid green;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 4#Sibling Rivalry|[4.22] Sibling Rivalry]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; rowspan=6 |
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid green;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 4#Deep Throats|[4.23] Deep Throats]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid green;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 4#Peterotica|[4.24] Peterotica]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid green;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 4#You May Now Kiss The...Uh...Guy Who Receives|[4.25] You May Now Kiss The...Uh...Guy Who Receives]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid green;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 4#Petergeist|[4.26] Petergeist]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid green;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 4#Untitled Griffin Family History|[4.27] Untitled Griffin Family History]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid black;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 4#Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story|[4.28] Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story]]
|}
{| border=1 cellpadding=4
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | [[Family Guy/Season 5|Season 5]]
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | [[Family Guy/Season 6|Season 6]]
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | [[Family Guy/Season 7|Season 7]]
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | [[Family Guy/Season 8|Season 8]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid red;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 5#Stewie Loves Lois|[5.01] Stewie Loves Lois]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid black;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 6#Blue Harvest|[6.01] Blue Harvest]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid yellow;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 7#Love Blactually|[7.01] Love Blactually]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid grey;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 8#Road to the Multiverse|[8.01] Road to the Multiverse]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid red;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 5#Mother Tucker|[5.02] Mother Tucker]] 
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid blue;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 6#Movin' Out (Brian's Song)|[6.02] Movin' Out (Brian's Song)]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid yellow;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 7#I Dream of Jesus|[7.02] I Dream of Jesus]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid grey;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 8#Family Goy|[8.02] Family Goy]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid red;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 5#Hell Comes to Qauhog|[5.03] Hell Comes to Quahog]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid blue;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 6#Believe It or Not, Joe's Walking on Air|[6.03] Believe It or Not, Joe's Walking on Air]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid yellow;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 7#Road to Germany|[7.03] Road to Germany]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid grey;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 8#Spies Reminiscent of Us|[8.03] Spies Reminiscent of Us]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid red;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 5#Saving Private Brian|[5.04] Saving Private Brian]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid blue;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 6#100th Episode Celebration|100th Episode Celebration]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid yellow;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 7#Baby Not On Board|[7.04] Baby Not On Board]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid grey;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 8#Brian's Got a Brand New Bag|[8.04] Brian's Got a Brand New Bag]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid red;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 5#Whistle While Your Wife Works|[5.05] Whistle While Your Wife Works]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid blue;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 6#Stewie Kills Lois|[6.04] Stewie Kills Lois]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid yellow;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 7#The Man with Two Brians|[7.05] The Man with Two Brians]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid grey;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 8#Hanna Banana|[8.05] Hannah Banana]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid red;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 5#Prick Up Your Ears|[5.06] Prick Up Your Ears]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid blue;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 6#Lois Kills Stewie|[6.05] Lois Kills Stewie]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid yellow;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 7#Tales of a Third Grade Nothing|[7.06] Tales of a Third Grade Nothing]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid grey;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 8#Quagmire's Baby|[8.06] Quagmire's Baby]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid red;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 5#Chick Cancer|[5.07] Chick Cancer]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid blue;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 6#Padre de Familia|[6.06] Padre de Familia]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid yellow;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 7#Ocean's Three and a Half|[7.07] Ocean's Three and a Half]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid grey;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 8#Jerome is the New Black|[8.07] Jerome is the New Black]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid red;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 5#Barely Legal|[5.08] Barely Legal]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid blue;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 6#Peter's Daughter|[6.07] Peter's Daughter]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid yellow;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 7#Family Gay|[7.08] Family Gay]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid grey;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 8#Dog Gone|[8.08] Dog Gone]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid red;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 5#Road to Rupert|[5.09] Road to Rupert]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid blue;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 6#McStroke|[6.08] McStroke]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid yellow;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 7#The Juice Is Loose|[7.09] The Juice Is Loose]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid olive;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 8#Business Guy|[8.09] Business Guy]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid red;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 5#Peter's Two Dads|[5.10] Peter's Two Dads]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid yellow;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 6#Back to the Woods|[6.09] Back to the Woods]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid grey;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 7#FOX-y Lady|[7.10] FOX-y Lady]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid olive;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 8#Big Man on Hippocampus|[8.10] Big Man on Hippocampus]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid red;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 5#The Tan Aquatic with Steve Zissou|[5.11] The Tan Aquatic with Steve Zissou]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid yellow;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 6#Play it Again Brian|[6.10] Play it Again Brian]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid grey;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 7#Not All Dogs Go to Heaven|[7.11] Not All Dogs Go to Heaven]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid olive;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 8#Dial Meg for Murder|[8.11] Dial Meg for Murder]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid red;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 5#Airport '07|[5.12] Airport '07]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid yellow;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 6#The Former Life of Brian|[6.11] The Former Life of Brian]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid grey;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 7#Episode 420|[7.12] Episode 420]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid olive;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 8#Extra Large Medium|[8.12] Extra Large Medium]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid red;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 5#Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey|[5.13] Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid yellow;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 6#Long John Peter|[6.12] Long John Peter]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid grey;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 7#Stew-Roids|[7.13] Stew-Roids]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid olive;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 8#Go Stewie Go|[8.13] Go Stewie Go]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid blue;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 5#No Meals on Wheels|[5.14] No Meals on Wheels]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; rowspan=8 |
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid grey;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 7#We Love You Conrad|[7.14] We Love You Conrad]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid olive;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 8#Peter-assment|[8.14] Peter-assment]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid blue;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 5#Boys Do Cry|[5.15] Boys Do Cry]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid grey;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 7#Three Kings|[7.15] Three Kings]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid olive;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 8#Brian Griffin's House of Payne|[8.15] Brian Griffin's House of Payne]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid blue;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 5#No Chris Left Behind|[5.16] No Chris Left Behind]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid grey;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 7#Peter's Progress|[7.16] Peter's Progress]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid olive;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 8#April in Quahog|[8.16] April in Quahog]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid blue;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 5#It Takes a Village Idiot, and I Married One|[5.17] It Takes a Village Idiot, and I Married One]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; rowspan=5 |
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid olive;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 8#Brian &amp; Stewie|[8.17] Brian &amp; Stewie]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid blue;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 5#Meet the Quagmires|[5.18] Meet the Quagmires]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid olive;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 8#Quagmire's Dad|[8.18] Quagmire's Dad]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; rowspan=3 |
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid olive;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 8#The Splendid Source|[8.19] The Splendid Source]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid black;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 8#Something, Something, Something, Dark Side|[8.20] Something, Something Something, Dark Side]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid black;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 8#Partial Terms of Endearment|[8.21] Partial Terms of Endearment]]
|}
{| border=1 cellpadding=4
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | [[Family Guy/Season 9|Season 9]]
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | [[Family Guy/Season 10|Season 10]]
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | [[Family Guy/Season 11|Season 11]]
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | [[Family Guy/Season 12|Season 12]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid olive;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 9#And Then There Were Fewer|[9.01] And Then There Were Fewer]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid lime;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 10#Lottery Fever|[10.01] Lottery Fever]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid black;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 11#Into Fat Air|[11.01] Into Fat Air]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid brown;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 12#Finders Keepers (Family Guy)|[12.01] Finders Keepers]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid olive;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 9#Excellence in Broadcasting|[9.02] Excellence in Broadcasting]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid lime;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 10#Seahorse Seashell Party|[10.02] Seahorse Seashell Party]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid black;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 11#Ratings Guy|[11.02] Ratings Guy]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid brown;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 12#Vestigial Peter|[12.02] Vestigial Peter]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid olive;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 9#Welcome Back, Carter|[9.03] Welcome Back, Carter]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid lime;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 10#Screams of Silence: The Story of Brenda Q|[10.03] Screams of Silence: The Story of Brenda Q]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid black;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 11#The Old Man and the Big 'C'|[11.03] The Old Man and the Big 'C']]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid brown;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 12#Quagmire's Quagmire|[12.03] Quagmire's Quagmire]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid navy;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 9#Halloween on Spooner Street|[9.04] Halloween on Spooner Street]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid lime;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 10#Stewie Goes for a Drive|[10.04] Stewie Goes for a Drive]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid black;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 11#Yug Ylimaf|[11.04] Yug Ylimaf]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid brown;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 12#A Fistful of Meg|[12.04] A Fistful of Meg]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid navy;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 9#Baby, You Knock Me Out|[9.05] Baby, You Knock Me Out]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid lime;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 10#Back to the Pilot|[10.05] Back to the Pilot]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid black;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 11#200 Episodes Later|200 Episodes Later]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid brown;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 12#Boopa-dee Bappa-dee|[12.05] Boopa-dee Bappa-dee]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid navy;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 9#Brian Writes a Bestseller|[9.06] Brian Writes a Bestseller]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid lime;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 10#Thanksgiving (Family Guy)|[10.06] Thanksgiving]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid black;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 11#Joe's Revenge|[11.05] Joe's Revenge]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid brown;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 12#Life of Brian (Family Guy)|[12.06] Life of Brian]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid navy;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 9#Road to the North Pole|[9.07] Road to the North Pole]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid lime;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 10#Amish Guy|[10.07] Amish Guy]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid black;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 11#Lois Comes Out of Her Shell|[11.06] Lois Comes Out of Her Shell]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid brown;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 12#Into Harmony's Way|[12.07] Into Harmony's Way]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid navy;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 9#New Kidney in Town|[9.08] New Kidney in Town]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid lime;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 10#Cool Hand Peter|[10.08] Cool Hand Peter]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid black;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 11#Friends Without Benefits|[11.07] Friends Without Benefits]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid brown;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 12#Christmas Guy|[12.08] Christmas Guy]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid navy;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 9#And I'm Joyce Kinney|[9.09] And I'm Joyce Kinney]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid lime;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 10#Grumpy Old Man|[10.09] Grumpy Old Man]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid black;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 11#Jesus, Mary and Joseph!|[11.08] Jesus, Mary and Joseph!]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid brown;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 12#Peter Problems|[12.09] Peter Problems]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid navy;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 9#Friends of Peter G.|[9.10] Friends of Peter G.]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid lime;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 10#Meg and Quagmire|[10.10] Meg and Quagmire]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid black;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 11#Space Cadet (Family Guy)|[11.09] Space Cadet]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid brown;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 12#Grimm Job|[12.10] Grimm Job]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid navy;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 9#German Guy|[9.11] German Guy]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid lime;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 10#The Blind Side (Family Guy)|[10.11] The Blind Side]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid black;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 11#Brian's Play|[11.10] Brian's Play]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid brown;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 12#Brian's a Bad Father|[12.11] Brian's a Bad Father]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid navy;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 9#The Hand That Rocks the Wheelchair|[9.12] The Hand That Rocks the Wheelchair]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid lime;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 10#Livin' on a Prayer (Family Guy)|[10.12] Livin' on a Prayer]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid black;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 11#The Giggity Wife|[11.11] The Giggity Wife]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid brown;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 12#Mom's the Word|[12.12] Mom's the Word]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid navy;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 9#Trading Places (Family Guy)|[9.13] Trading Places]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid lime;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 10#Tom Tucker: The Man and His Dream|[10.13] Tom Tucker: The Man and His Dream]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid black;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 11#Valentine's Day in Quahog|[11.12] Valentine's Day in Quahog]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid brown;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 12#3 Acts of God|[12.13] 3 Acts of God]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid navy;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 9#Tiegs for Two|[9.14] Tiegs for Two]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid lime;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 10#Be Careful What You Fish For|[10.14] Be Careful What You Fish For]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid black;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 11#Chris Cross (Family Guy)|[11.13] Chris Cross]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid brown;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 12#Fresh Heir|[12.14] Fresh Heir]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid navy;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 9#Brothers &amp; Sisters (Family Guy)|[9.15] Brothers &amp; Sisters]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid lime;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 10#Burning Down the Bayit|[10.15] Burning Down the Bayit]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid black;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 11#Call Girl (Family Guy)|[11.14] Call Girl]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid brown;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 12#Secondhand Spoke|[12.15] Secondhand Spoke]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid navy;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 9#The Big Bang Theory (Family Guy)|[9.16] The Big Bang Theory]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid lime;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 10#Killer Queen (Family Guy)|[10.16] Killer Queen]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid black;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 11#Turban Cowboy|[11.15] Turban Cowboy]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid brown;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 12#Herpe the Love Sore|[12.16] Herpe the Love Sore]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid navy;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 9#Foreign Affairs|[9.17] Foreign Affairs]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid lime;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 10#Forget-Me-Not|[10.17] Forget-Me-Not]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid black;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 11#12 and a Half Angry Men|[11.16] 12 and a Half Angry Men]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid brown;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 12#The Most Interesting Man in the World (Family Guy)|[12.17] The Most Interesting Man in the World]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid black;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 9#It's a Trap!|[9.18] It's a Trap!]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid lime;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 10#You Can't Do That on Television, Peter|[10.18] You Can't Do That on Television, Peter]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid black;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 11#Bigfat|[11.17] Bigfat]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid brown;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 12#Baby Got Black|[12.18] Baby Got Black]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; rowspan=5 | 
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid lime;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 10#Mr. and Mrs. Stewie|[10.19] Mr. and Mrs. Stewie]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid black;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 11#Total Recall (Family Guy)|[11.18] Total Recall]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid brown;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 12#Meg Stinks!|[12.19] Meg Stinks!]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid lime;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 10#Leggo My Meg-O|[10.20] Leggo My Meg-O]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid black;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 11#Save the Clam|[11.19] Save the Clam]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid brown;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 12#He's Bla-ack!|[12.20] He's Bla-ack!]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid lime;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 10#Tea Peter|[10.21] Tea Peter]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid black;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 11#Farmer Guy|[11.20] Farmer Guy]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid brown;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 12#Chap Stewie|[12.21] Chap Stewie]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid lime;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 10#Family Guy Viewer Mail 2|[10.22] Family Guy Viewer Mail #2]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid black;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 11#Roads to Vegas|[11.21] Roads to Vegas]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; rowspan=2 |
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid lime;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 10#Internal Affairs (Family Guy)|[10.23] Internal Affairs]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid black;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 11#No Country Club for Old Men|[11.22] No Country Club for Old Men]]
|}
{| border=1 cellpadding=4
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | [[Family Guy/Season 13|Season 13]]
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | [[Family Guy/Season 14|Season 14]]
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | [[Family Guy/Season 15|Season 15]]
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | [[Family Guy/Season 16|Season 16]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid maroon;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 13#The Simpsons Guy (Simpsons Crossover)|[13.01] ''Simpsons Crossover:'' The Simpsons Guy]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid magenta;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 14#Pilling Them Softly|[14.01] Pilling Them Softly]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid cyan;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 15#The Boys in the Band (Family Guy)|[15.01] The Boys in the Band]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid lavender;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 16#Emmy-Winning Episode|[16.01] Emmy-Winning Episode]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid maroon;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 13#The Book of Joe|[13.02] The Book of Joe]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid magenta;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 14#Papa Has a Rollin' Son|[14.02] Papa Has a Rollin' Son]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid cyan;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 15#Bookie of the Year|[15.02] Bookie of the Year]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid lavender;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 16#Foxx in the Men House|[16.02] Foxx in the Men House]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid maroon;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 13#Baking Bad|[13.03] Baking Bad]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid magenta;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 14#Guy, Robot|[14.03] Guy, Robot]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid cyan;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 15#American Gigg-olo|[15.03] American Gigg-olo]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid lavender;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 16#Nanny Goats|[16.03] Nanny Goats]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid maroon;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 13#Brian the Closer|[13.04] Brian the Closer]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid magenta;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 14#Peternormal Activity|[14.04] Peternormal Activity]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid cyan;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 15#Inside Family Guy|[15.04] Inside Family Guy]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid lavender;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 16#Follow the Money|[16.04] Follow the Money]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid maroon;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 13#Turkey Guys|[13.05] Turkey Guys]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid magenta;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 14#Peter, Chris, &amp; Brian|[14.05] Peter, Chris, &amp; Brian]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid cyan;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 15#Chris Has Got a Date, Date, Date, Date, Date|[15.05] Chris Has Got a Date, Date, Date, Date, Date]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid lavender;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 16#Three Directors|[16.05] Three Directors]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid maroon;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 13#The 2000-Year-Old Virgin|[13.06] The 2000-Year-Old Virgin]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid magenta;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 14#Peter's Sister|[14.06] Peter's Sister]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid cyan;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 15#Hot Shots (Family Guy)|[15.06] Hot Shots]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid lavender;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 16#The D in Apartment 23|[16.06] The D in Apartment 23]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid maroon;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 13#Stewie, Chris, &amp; Brian's Excellent Adventure|[13.07] Stewie, Chris, &amp; Brian's Excellent Adventure]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid magenta;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 14#Hot Pocket-Dial|[14.07] Hot Pocket-Dial]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid cyan;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 15#High School English|[15.07] High School English]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid lavender;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 16#Petey IV|[16.07] Petey IV]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid maroon;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 13#Our Idiot Brian|[13.08] Our Idiot Brian]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid magenta;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 14#Brokeback Swanson|[14.08] Brokeback Swanson]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid cyan;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 15#Carter and Tricia|[15.08] Carter and Tricia]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid lavender;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 16#Crimes and Meg's Demeanor|[16.08] Crimes and Meg's Demeanor]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid maroon;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 13#This Little Piggy (Family Guy)|[13.09] This Little Piggy]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid magenta;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 14#A Shot in the Dark (Family Guy)|[14.09] A Shot in the Dark]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid cyan;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 15#How the Griffin Stole Christmas|[15.09] How the Griffin Stole Christmas]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid lavender;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 16#Don't Be a Dickens at Christmas|[16.09] Don't Be a Dickens at Christmas]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid maroon;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 13#Quagmire's Mom|[13.10] Quagmire's Mom]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid magenta;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 14#Candy, Quahog Marshmallow|[14.10] Candy, Quahog Marshmallow]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid cyan;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 15#Passenger Fatty-Seven|[15.10] Passenger Fatty-Seven]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid lavender;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 16#Boy (Dog) Meets Girl (Dog)|[16.10] Boy (Dog) Meets Girl (Dog)]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid maroon;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 13#Encyclopedia Griffin|[13.11] Encyclopedia Griffin]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid magenta;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 14#The Peanut Butter Kid|[14.11] The Peanut Butter Kid]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid cyan;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 15#Gronkowsbees|[15.11] Gronkowsbees]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid lavender;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 16#Dog Bites Bear|[16.11] Dog Bites Bear]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid maroon;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 13#Stewie is Enceinte|[13.12] Stewie is Enceinte]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid magenta;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 14#Scammed Yankees|[14.12] Scammed Yankees]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid cyan;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 15#Peter's Def Jam|[15.12] Peter's Def Jam]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid lavender;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 16#Send in Stewie, Please|[16.12] Send in Stewie, Please]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid maroon;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 13#Dr. C and the Women|[13.13] Dr. C and the Women]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid magenta;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 14#An App a Day|[14.13] An App a Day]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid cyan;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 15#The Finer Strings|[15.13] The Finer Strings]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid lavender;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 16#V is for Mystery|[16.13] V is for Mystery]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid maroon;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 13##JOLO|[13.14] #JOLO]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid magenta;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 14#Underage Peter|[14.14] Underage Peter]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid cyan;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 15#The Dating Game (Family Guy)|[15.14] The Dating Game]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid lavender;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 16#Veteran Guy|[16.14] Veteran Guy]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid maroon;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 13#Once Bitten (Family Guy)|[13.15] Once Bitten]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid magenta;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 14#A Lot Going on Upstairs|[14.15] A Lot Going on Upstairs]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid cyan;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 15#Cop and a Half-wit|[15.15] Cop and a Half-wit]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid lavender;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 16#The Woof of Wall Street|16.15] The Woof of Wall Street]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid maroon;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 13#Roasted Guy|[13.16] Roasted Guy]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid magenta;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 14#The Heartbreak Dog|[14.16] The Heartbreak Dog]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid cyan;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 15#Saturated Fat Guy|[15.16] Saturated Fat Guy]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid lavender;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 16#''Family Guy'' Through the Years|[16.16] ''Family Guy'' Through the Years]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid maroon;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 13#Fighting Irish (Family Guy)|[13.17] Fighting Irish]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid magenta;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 14#Take a Letter (Family Guy)|[14.17] Take a Letter]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid cyan;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 15#Peter's Lost Youth|[15.17] Peter's Lost Youth]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid lavender;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 16#Switch the Flip|[16.17] Switch the Flip]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid maroon;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 13#Take My Wife (Family Guy)|[13.18] Take My Wife]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid magenta;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 14#The New Adventures of Old Tom|[14.18] The New Adventures of Old Tom]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid cyan;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 15#The Peter Principal|[15.18] The Peter Principal]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid lavender;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 16#HTTPete|[16.18] HTTPete]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; rowspan=2 |
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid magenta;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 14#Run, Chris, Run|[14.19] Run, Chris, Run]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid cyan;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 15#Dearly Deported|[15.19] Dearly Deported]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid lavender;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 16#The Unkindest Cut|[16.19] The Unkindest Cut]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid magenta;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 14#Road to India (Family Guy)|[14.20] Road to India]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid cyan;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 15#A House Full of Peters|[15.20] A House Full of Peters]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid lavender;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 16#Are You There God? It's Me, Peter|[16.20] Are You There God? It's Me Peter]]
|}
{| border=1 cellpadding=4
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | [[Family Guy/Season 17|Season 17]]
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | [[Family Guy/Season 18|Season 18]]
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | [[Family Guy/Season 19|Season 19]]
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | [[Family Guy/Season 20|Season 20]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid teal;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 17#Married... with Cancer|[17.01] Married... with Cancer]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 18#Yacht Rocky|[18.01] Yacht Rocky]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 19#Stewie's First Word|[19.01] Stewie's First Word]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 20#LASIK Instinct|[20.01] LASIK Instinct]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid teal;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 17#Dead Dog Walking|[17.02] Dead Dog Walking]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 18#Bri-Da|[18.02] Bri-Da]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 19#The Talented Mr. Stewie|[19.02] The Talented Mr. Stewie]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 20#Rock Hard (Family Guy)|[20.02] Rock Hard]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid teal;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 17#Pal Stewie|[17.03] Pal Stewie]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 18#Absolutely Babulous|[18.03] Absolutely Babulous]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 19#Boys &amp; Squirrels|[19.03] Boys &amp; Squirrels]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 20#Must Love Dogs (Family Guy)|[20.03] Must Love Dogs]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid teal;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 17#Big Trouble in Little Quahog|[17.04] Big Trouble in Little Quahog]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 18#Disney's The Reboot|[18.04] Disney's The Reboot]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 19#Cutawayland|[19.04] Cutawayland]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 20#80's Guy|[20.04] 80's Guy]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid teal;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 17#Regarding Carter|[17.05] Regarding Carter]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 18#Cat Fight (Family Guy)|[18.05] Cat Fight]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 19#La Famiglia Guy|[19.05] La Famiglia Guy]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 20#Brief Encounter (Family Guy)|[20.05] Brief Encounter]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid teal;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 17#Stand by Meg|[17.06] Stand by Meg]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 18#Peter &amp; Lois' Wedding|[18.06] Peter &amp; Lois' Wedding]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 19#Meg's Wedding|[19.06] Meg's Wedding]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 20#Cootie &amp; The Blowhard|[20.06] Cootie &amp; The Blowhard]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid teal;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 17#The Griffin Winter Games|[17.07] The Griffin Winter Games]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 18#Heart Burn|[18.07] Heart Burn]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 19#Wild Wild West (Family Guy)|[19.07] Wild Wild West]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 20#Peterschmidt Manor|[20.07] Peterschmidt Manor]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid teal;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 17#Con Heiress|[17.08] Con Heiress]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 18#Shanksgiving|[18.08] Shanksgiving]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 19#Pawtucket Pat|[19.08] Pawtucket Pat]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 20#The Birthday Bootlegger|[20.08] The Birthday Bootlegger]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid teal;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 17#Pawtucket Pete|[17.09] Pawtucket Pete]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 18#Christmas is Coming (Family Guy)|[18.09] Christmas is Coming]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 19#The First No L|[19.09] The First No L]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 20#The Fatman Always Rings Twice|[20.09] The Fatman Always Rings Twice]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid teal;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 17#Hefty Shades of Gray|[17.10] Hefty Shades of Gray]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 18#Connie's Celica|[18.10] Connie's Celica]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 19#Fecal Matters|[19.10] Fecal Matters]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 20#Christmas Crime|[20.10] Christmas Crime]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid teal;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 17#Trump Guy|[17.11] Trump Guy]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 18#Short Cuts (Family Guy)|[18.11] Short Cuts]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 19#Boy's Best Friend (Family Guy)|[19.11] Boy's Best Friend]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 20#Mister Act|[20.11] Mister Act]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid teal;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 17#Bri, Robot|[17.12] Bri, Robot]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 18#Undergrounded|[18.12] Undergrounded]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 19#And Then There's Fraud|[19.12] And Then There's Fraud]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 20#The Lois Quagmire|[20.12] The Lois Quagmire]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid teal;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 17#Trans-Fat|[17.13] Trans-Fat]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 18#Rich Old Stewie|[18.13] Rich Old Stewie]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 19#PeTerminator|[19.13] PeTerminator]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 20#Lawyer Guy|[20.13] Lawyer Guy]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid teal;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 17#Family Guy Lite|[17.14] Family Guy Lite]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 18#The Movement (Family Guy)|[18.14] The Movement]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 19#The Marrying Kind (Family Guy)|[19.14] The Marrying Kind]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 20#HBO-No|[20.14] HBO-No]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid teal;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 17#No Giggity, No Doubt|[17.15] No Giggity, No Doubt]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 18#Baby Stewie|[18.15] Baby Stewie]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 19#Customer of the Week|[19.15] Customer of the Week]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 20#Hard Boiled Meg|[20.15] Hard Boiled Meg]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid teal;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 17#You Can't Handle the Booth!|[17.16] You Can't Handle the Booth!]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 18#Start Me Up (Family Guy)|[18.16] Start Me Up]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 19#Who's Brian Now?|[19.16] Who's Brian Now?]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 20#Prescription Heroine|[20.16] Prescription Heroine]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid teal;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 17#Island Adventure (Family Guy)|[17.17] Island Adventure]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 18#Coma Guy|[18.17] Coma Guy]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 19#Young Parent Trap|[19.17] Young Parent Trap]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 20#All About Alana|[20.17] All About Alana]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid teal;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 17#Throw It Away (Family Guy)|[17.18] Throw It Away]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 18#Better Off Meg|[18.18] Better Off Meg]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 19#Meg Goes to College|[19.18] Meg Goes to College]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 20#Girlfiend, Eh?|[20.18] Girlfriend, Eh?]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid teal;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 17#Girl, Internetted|[17.19] Girl, Internetted]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 18#Holly Bibble|[18.19] Holly Bibble]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 19#Family Cat (Family Guy)|[19.19] Family Cat]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 20#First Blood (Family Guy)|[20.19] First Blood]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid teal;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 17#Adam West High|[17.20] Adam West High]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 18#Movin' In (Principal Shepherd's Song)|[18.20] Movin' In (Principal Shepherd's Song)]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 19#Tales of Former Sports Glory|[19.20] Tales of Former Sports Glory]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; | [[Family Guy/Season 20#Jersey Bore|[20.20] Jersey Bore]]
|}
__TOC__

==Cast==
* [[Seth MacFarlane]] - Peter, Brian, and Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire,  Tom Tucker, Dr. Elmer Hartman, Carter Pewterschmidt, Jeffrey “Jeff” Fecalman (and various)
* [[w:Alex Borstein|Alex Borstein]] - Lois Griffin, Loretta Brown, Tricia Takanawa, Barbara Pewterschmidt, Crystal and Brenda Quagmire (and various)
* [[w:Seth Green|Seth Green]] - Chris Griffin, Neil Goldman (and various)
* [[w:Lacey Chabert|Lacey Chabert]] - Meg Griffin (Production Season 1)
* [[w:Mila Kunis|Mila Kunis]] - Meg Griffin (Production Season 2 and onward)
* [[w:Mike Henry (voice actor)|Mike Henry]] - Cleveland Brown (Production Seasons 1–19), Herbert, Bruce, Greased-up Deaf Guy, Consuela, Cleveland Brown, Jr., Rallo Tubbs (and various)
* [[w:Arif Zahir|Arif Zahir]] - Cleveland Brown (Production Season 20 and onward)
* [[Patrick Warburton]] - Joe Swanson 
* [[w:Jennifer Tilly|Jennifer Tilly]] - Bonnie Swanson 
* [[w:John G. Brennan|John G. Brennan]] - Mort Goldman, Horace the Bartender
* [[w:Nicole Sullivan|Nicole Sullivan]] - Muriel Goldman
* [[Adam West]] - Mayor Adam West
* [[w:Lori Alan|Lori Alan]] - Diane Simmons
* [[w:H. Jon Benjamin|H. Jon Benjamin]] - Carl
* [[w:Nana Visitor|Nana Visitor]] - Crystal and Brenda Quagmire and Barbara Pewterschmidt.
* [[w:Sanaa Lathan|Sanaa Lathan]] - Donna Tubbs
* [[w:Reagan Gomez-Preston|Reagan Gomez-Preston]] - Roberta Tubbs
* [[w:Kevin Michael Richardson|Kevin Michael Richardson]] - Cleveland Brown, Jr.

==See also==
* ''[[American Dad!]]''
* ''[[The Cleveland Show]]''

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0182576|title=Family Guy}}

[[Category:Family Guy]]
[[Category:1990s American adult animated TV shows]]
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[[Category:1990s American sitcoms]]
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{{Seth MacFarlane}}</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Maya Angelou</title>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-27T00:59:07Z</timestamp>
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      <text bytes="18948" xml:space="preserve">[[File:2012 at Elon University 77.jpg|thumb|Develop enough courage so that you can stand up for yourself and then stand up for somebody else.]]
[[File:Maya Angelou visits YCP Feb 2013.jpg|thumb|Perhaps [[travel]] cannot prevent [[bigotry]], but by demonstrating that [[all]] peoples cry, [[laugh]], [[eat]], [[worry]], and [[die]], it can introduce the [[idea]] that if we try and [[understand]] each other, we may even become [[friends]].]] 
'''[[w:Maya Angelou|Maya Angelou]]''' ([[4 April]], [[1928]] – [[28 May]], [[2014]]), born '''Marguerite Annie Johnson''', was an American [[poet]], author, memoirist, actress, director, producer, writer, singer, dancer, and civil rights activist.

==Quotes==
[[File:Maya Angelou Disc2000.jpg|thumb|Without [[courage]], you can't practice any other [[virtue]] consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage.]]
* Develop enough courage so that you can stand up for yourself and then stand up for somebody else.
** in ''Rainbow in the Cloud: The Wisdom and Spirit of Maya Angelou'' (2014), p. 68

* '''The [[need]]s of a [[society]] determine its [[ethics]].'''
** ''[[w:I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings|I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings]]'' (1969); often misquoted as &quot;'''The needs of society determine its ethics'''&quot;, and with less context than the full statement: &quot;The needs of a society determine its ethics, and in the Black American ghettos the hero is that man who is offered only the crumbs from his country's table but by ingenuity and courage is able to take for himself a [[w:Lucullus|Lucullan]] feast.&quot; The title of Angelou's book comes from the poem &quot;[[s:Sympathy (Dunbar)|Sympathy]]&quot; by [[Paul Laurence Dunbar]].

* You don't have to think about doing the right thing. If you're for the right thing, then you do it without thinking. 
** Quoting her mother's statement after her son's birth, in ''[[w:I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings|I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings]]'' (1969)

* At fifteen life had taught me undeniably that surrender, in its place, was as honorable as resistance, especially if one had no choice. 
** ''[[w:I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings|I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings]]'' (1969), p. 212. {{ISBN|978-0-375-50789-2}}

* I believe most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity of opportunity to be otherwise.
** ''I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings'' (1969), Ch. 35

* Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives. 
** ''[[w:I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings|I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings]]'' (1969), Ch. 17. {{ISBN|978-0-375-50789-2}}

* “Life is going to give you just what you put in it. Put your whole heart in everything you do, and pray, then you can wait.”
** ''[[w:I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings|I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings]]''(1969)

* '''I don't [[trust]] people who don't [[love]] themselves and tell me &quot;I love you.&quot;''' … There is an African saying which is: &quot;Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt.&quot;
** The Distinguished Annie Clark Tanner Lecture, 16th-annual Families Alive Conference, Weber State University, May 8, 1997 - [http://departments.weber.edu/chfam/familiesalive/angelouspeech.html3 Full text online at weber.edu]

* Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.
** [[w:Gather Together in My Name|''Gather Together in My Name'']] (1974), p. 17.

* '''A bizarre sensation pervades a relationship of [[pretense]]. No [[truth]] [[seems]] true.''' A simple morning's greeting and response appear loaded with innuendo and fraught with implications. ... '''Each nicety becomes more sterile and each withdrawal more permanent.'''
** ''[[w:Singin' and Swingin' and Gettin' Merry Like Christmas|Singin' and Swingin' and Gettin' Merry Like Christmas]]'' (1976), chapter 5.

* '''Without [[courage]] we cannot practice any other [[virtue]] with consistency. We can't be [[kind]], true, [[merciful]], [[generous]], or [[honest]].'''
** As quoted in ''USA Today'' (5 March 1988)
** Variant:
** '''Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage.'''
*** As quoted in ''Diversity : Leaders Not Labels'' (2006) by Stedman Graham, p. 224

* '''You can’t use up [[creativity]]. The more you use, the more you have.'''
** As quoted in ''Conversations with Maya Angelou'' (1989) by Jeffrey M. Elliot

* Perhaps [[travel]] cannot prevent [[bigotry]], but by demonstrating that [[all]] peoples cry, [[laugh]], [[eat]], [[worry]], and [[die]], it can introduce the [[idea]] that if we try and [[understand]] each other, we may even become [[friends]]. 
**''Wouldn't Take Nothing for My Journey Now'' (1993) p. 12.

* '''There is nothing so pitiful as a young [[cynic]] because he has gone from [[knowing]] [[nothing]] to [[believing]] nothing.'''
** As quoted in ''The Truth in Words'' (2005) by Neal Zero

* '''I am capable of what every other [[human]] is capable of. This is one of the great lessons of [[war]] and [[life]].'''
** As quoted in ''Goal Mapping : How to Turn Your Dreams into Realities'' (2006) by Brian Mayne, p. 84

* My dear, when people show you who they are, why don't you believe them? Why must you be shown 29 times before you can see who they really are? Why can't you get it the first time?
** As quoted by Oprah Winfrey.&lt;ref name=&quot;lateoprah&quot;&gt;{{cite episode
 | title          = When people show you who they are, believe them
 | url            = http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/when-people-show-you-who-they-are-believe-them-video
 | access-date    = 2016-01-19
 | series         = [[w:Oprah's Lifeclass|Oprah's Lifeclass]]
 | first          = Oprah
 | last           = Winfrey
 | network        = [[w:Oprah Winfrey Network (U.S. TV channel)|Oprah Winfrey Network]]
 | date           = 2011-10-26
 | season         = 1
 | number         = 13
 | minutes        = 90
 | language       = en-us
 | author-link    = Oprah Winfrey
}}&lt;/ref&gt;
** Oprah Winfrey's paraphrase:
***'''When people show you who they are, believe them.'''&lt;ref name=&quot;earlyoprah&quot;&gt;{{cite episode
 | title          = Book club finale
 | url            = http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/One-of-Dr-Maya-Angelous-Most-Important-Lessons_1
 | access-date    = 2016-01-19
 | series         = [[w:The Oprah Winfrey Show|The Oprah Winfrey Show]]
 | first          = Oprah
 | last           = Winfrey
 | date           = 1997-06-18
 | minutes        = 45
 | language       = en-us
 | author-link    = Oprah Winfrey
}}&lt;/ref&gt;

* '''You did in your twenties what you knew how to do, and when you knew better you did better.''' And you should not be judged for the person that you were, but for the person that you're trying to be and the woman that you are now.
** As quoted by Oprah Winfrey.&lt;ref name=&quot;earlyoprah2&quot;&gt;{{cite episode
 | title          = What would you save in a fire?
 | url            = http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/the-powerful-lesson-maya-angelou-taught-oprah-video
 | access-date    = 2019-06-26
 | series         = [[w:The Oprah Winfrey Show|The Oprah Winfrey Show]]
 | first          = Oprah
 | last           = Winfrey
 | date           = 1994-11-02
 | minutes        = 45
 | language       = en-us
 | author-link    = Oprah Winfrey
}}&lt;/ref&gt;

* All information belongs to everybody all the time. It should be available. It should be accessible to the child, to the woman, to the man, to the old person, to the semiliterate, to the presidents of universities, to everyone. It should be open.
** As quoted in &lt;i&gt;Interview: How Libraries Changed Maya Angelou's Life&lt;/i&gt;, by Angela Montefinise, October 29, 2010

* My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.
** Shared on her [https://www.facebook.com/MayaAngelou/posts/10150251846629796 Facebook page], July 4, 2011

* How important it is to recognise and consider our heroes and she-roes.
** Quoted in: Kabir, Hajara Muhammad (2010). Northern women development. [Nigeria]. ISBN 978-978-906-469-4. OCLC 890820657.

===''And Still I Rise'' (1978)===
[[File:Sunrise on Mount Shasta.jpg|thumb|You can kill me with your [[hatefulness]], &lt;br&gt; But just like life, I'll rise.]]
[[File:Acrux.png|thumb|A black [[ocean]], leaping and wide, &lt;br&gt; Welling and swelling and bearing in the tide.]]
[[File:Sunrise thailand ko samui.jpg|thumb|Leaving behind [[nights]] of [[terror]] and [[fear]] &lt;br&gt; I rise &lt;br&gt; Into a daybreak miraculously clear &lt;br&gt; I rise.]]

* You were a precious pearl &lt;br&gt;How I loved to see you shine, &lt;br&gt; You were the perfect girl. &lt;br&gt; And you were mine. &lt;br&gt; For a time. &lt;br&gt; For a time. &lt;br&gt;Just for a time.
** &quot;Just for a Time&quot;

* '''You may write me down in history&lt;br&gt; With your bitter, twisted lies,&lt;br&gt; You may trod me in the very dirt&lt;br&gt; But still, like dust, I'll rise.'''
** &quot;Still I Rise&quot; - [http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15623 Full text online at poets.org]

* You may shoot me with your words, &lt;br&gt; You may cut me with your eyes, &lt;br&gt; '''You may kill me with your hatefulness, &lt;br&gt; But still, like air, I'll rise.'''
** &quot;Still I Rise&quot;

* Does my sexiness upset you? &lt;br&gt; Does it come as a surprise &lt;br&gt; That I dance like I've got diamonds &lt;br&gt; At the meeting of my thighs?
** &quot;Still I Rise&quot;

* Out of the huts of history's shame &lt;br&gt; I rise &lt;br&gt; Up from a past that's rooted in pain&lt;br&gt;  I rise &lt;br&gt; '''I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide, &lt;br&gt; Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.'''
** &quot;Still I Rise&quot;

* '''Leaving behind nights of terror and fear &lt;br&gt; I rise &lt;br&gt; Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear &lt;br&gt; I rise '''&lt;br&gt; Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,&lt;br&gt; I am the dream and the hope of the slave. &lt;br&gt; I rise &lt;br&gt; I rise &lt;br&gt;''' I rise.'''
** &quot;Still I Rise&quot;

* I went to sleep last night &lt;br&gt; And I arose with the dawn, &lt;br&gt; I know that there are others &lt;br&gt; Who're still sleeping on, &lt;br&gt; They've gone away, &lt;br&gt; You've let me stay, &lt;br&gt; I want to thank You.
** &quot;Thank You, Lord&quot;

===''I Shall Not Be Moved'' (1990)===
[[File:Schiel01.jpg|thumb|[[Glory]] falls around us &lt;br&gt; as we sob &lt;br&gt; a dirge of &lt;br&gt; desolation on the Cross.]]
[[File:Passion of Christ.jpg|thumb|We [[grow]] despite the &lt;br&gt; horror that we feed &lt;br&gt; upon our own &lt;br&gt; tomorrow. &lt;br&gt; We grow.]]
[[File:Cristo degli abissi.jpg|thumb|We cry for you &lt;br&gt; although we have lost &lt;br&gt; your [[name]].]]

* '''Glory falls around us &lt;br&gt; as we sob &lt;br&gt; a dirge of &lt;br&gt; desolation on the Cross''' &lt;br&gt; and hatred is the ballast of &lt;br&gt; the rock
: which lies upon our necks &lt;br&gt; and underfoot.
:* &quot;Glory Falls&quot;

* We grow despite the &lt;br&gt; horror that we feed &lt;br&gt; upon our own &lt;br&gt; tomorrow. &lt;br&gt; '''We grow.'''
** &quot;Glory Falls&quot;

* '''Petulant priests, greedy &lt;br&gt; centurions, and one million&lt;br&gt; incensed gestures stand &lt;br&gt; between your love and me.'''
** &quot;Savior&quot;

* &lt;p&gt;'''Visit us again, Savior.'''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Your children, burdened with &lt;br&gt; disbelief, blinded by a patina &lt;br&gt; of wisdom, &lt;br&gt; carom down this vale of &lt;br&gt; fear. '''We cry for you &lt;br&gt; although we have lost &lt;br&gt; your name.'''&lt;/p&gt;
** &quot;Savior&quot;

*&lt;p&gt;I have need of a friend.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;There is one and only one &lt;br&gt; who will give the air &lt;br&gt; from his failing lungs &lt;br&gt; for my body's mend.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;And that one is my love.&lt;/p&gt;
** &quot;Many and More&quot;

===''Paris Review Interview'' (1990)===
:&lt;small&gt;Issue 116, Interviewed by [[George Plimpton]]&lt;/small&gt; 

* '''[[Nathaniel Hawthorne#Disputed|Nathaniel Hawthorne]] says, “Easy reading is damn hard [[writing]].” I try to pull the [[language]] into such a sharpness that it jumps off the page. It must look easy, but it takes me forever to get it to look so easy.'''

* '''I know when it’s the best I can do. It may not be the best there is. Another writer may do it much better. But I know when it’s the best I can do.''' I know that one of the great arts that the writer develops is the art of saying, No. No, I’m finished. Bye. And leaving it alone. I will not write it into the ground. I will not write the life out of it. I won’t do that.

* Years ago I read a man named [[Joaquim Maria Machado de Assis|Machado de Assis]] who wrote a book called ''[[w:Dom Casmurro|Dom Casmurro]]''. Machado de Assis is a South American writer — black father, Portuguese mother — writing in 1865, say. I thought the book was very nice. Then I went back and read the book and said, Hmm. I didn’t realize all that was in that book. Then I read it again, and again, and I came to the conclusion that what Machado de Assis had done for me was almost a trick: he had beckoned me onto the beach to watch a sunset. And I had watched the sunset with pleasure. When I turned around to come back in I found that the tide had come in over my head. That’s when I decided to write.

* Yes. '''When I’m writing, I am trying to find out who I am, who we are, what we’re capable of, how we [[feel]], how we lose and stand up, and go on from [[darkness]] into darkness.'''

===''A Brave and Startling Truth'' (1995)===
[[File:Flag of the United Nations.svg|thumb|If we are [[bold]], [[love]] strikes away the chains of [[fear]] from our [[souls]].]]
[[File:United Nations General Assembly Hall (2).jpg|thumb|It is possible and imperative that we discover&lt;br&gt;  A brave and startling [[truth]].]]
[[File:Maya Angelou speech for Barack Obama campaign 2008.jpg|thumb|When we come to it&lt;br&gt;  We must confess that we are the possible&lt;br&gt;  We are the [[miraculous]], the true [[wonders]] of this [[world]]&lt;br&gt;  That is when, and only when&lt;br&gt;  We come to it.]]
:&lt;small&gt;Written for the 50th Anniversary of the United Nations&lt;/small&gt;

* '''We, unaccustomed to courage&lt;br&gt;  exiles from delight&lt;br&gt;  live coiled in shells of loneliness&lt;br&gt;  until love leaves its high holy temple&lt;br&gt;  and comes into our sight&lt;br&gt;  to liberate us into life.'''

* '''If we are bold, love strikes away the chains of fear from our souls.'''

* '''Love costs all we are&lt;br&gt; and will ever be.&lt;br&gt; Yet it is only love&lt;br&gt; which sets us free.&lt;br&gt; A Brave and Startling Truth.'''

* '''It is possible and imperative that we discover&lt;br&gt; A brave and startling truth.'''

*&lt;p&gt;When we come to it&lt;br&gt; We, this people, on this wayward, floating body&lt;br&gt; Created on this earth, of this earth&lt;br&gt; Have the power to fashion for this earth&lt;br&gt; A climate where every man and every woman&lt;br&gt; Can live freely without sanctimonious piety&lt;br&gt; And without crippling fear&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt; '''When we come to it&lt;br&gt; We must confess that we are the possible&lt;br&gt; We are the miraculous, the true wonders of this world&lt;br&gt; That is when, and only when&lt;br&gt; We come to it.'''&lt;/p&gt;

===''We Had Him'' (2009)===
[[File:ComputerHotline - The spirit of the king (of the pop) (by).jpg|thumb|right|We are missing Michael. &lt;br&gt; But we do know we had him, and [[w:We Are the World|we are the world]].]]
:&lt;small&gt;A poetic tribute to [[Michael Jackson]] - [http://mayaangelou.com/news/3/ Full text online at official site] - [http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1615416/maya-angelous-poem-about-michael-jackson-we-had-him.jhtml Poem and video at MTV] (recited by [[Queen Latifah ]])&lt;/small&gt;

* '''Though we are many, each of us is achingly alone, piercingly alone. &lt;br&gt; Only when we confess our confusion can we remember that he was a gift to us and we did have him.''' &lt;br&gt; He came to us from the creator, trailing creativity in abundance. &lt;br&gt; Despite the anguish, his life was sheathed in mother love, family love, and survived and did more than that. &lt;br&gt; '''He thrived with passion and compassion, humor and style. We had him whether we know who he was or did not know, he was ours and we were his.'''
* '''We are missing Michael. &lt;br&gt; But we do know we had him, and [[w:We Are the World|we are the world]].'''

{{Misattributed begin}}

==Misattributed==
* A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song
** Although it appears on U.S. postage featuring Angelou, this is actually a variant quote from the work of poet [[Joan Walsh Anglund]]. &lt;ref&gt;{{cite web|url=http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/federal-eye/wp/2015/04/07/postal-serves-releases-maya-angelou-stamp-with-quote-from-another-author/|title=Postal Service releases Maya Angelou stamp with quote from another author|author=Josh Hicks|date=7 April 2015|website=Washington Post|accessdate=9 April 2015}}&lt;/ref&gt;

* There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
** This is actually from Zora Neale Hurston, &lt;i&gt;Dust Tracks On the Road,&lt;/i&gt; though it is widely attributed to Ms. Angelou's book, &lt;i&gt;I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings.&lt;/i&gt;
* Hate, it has caused a lot of problems in the world, but has not solved one yet. 
** Nearly identical quote attributed to a 1995 TV show, Touched by an Angel [https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0732136/quotes]: ''Tess: No, hate has caused a lot of problems in this world, but it's never solved one yet.''

* People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them [[feel]].
** This is a very close paraphrase of a quotation attributed to Carl Buehner in a book published many years earlier - “They may forget what you said — but they will never forget how you made them feel.” quoted in ''Richard Evans' Quote Book'', 1971, Publisher's Press, ASIN: B000TV5WBW, although it is widely (mis)attributed to Angelou in her book ''Worth Repeating: More Than 5,000 Classic and Contemporary Quotes'' (2003) by Bob Kelly,  p. 263,
{{Misattributed end}}

==References==
{{reflist}}

==External links== 
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.mayaangelou.com/ Official website]
* [http://www.poets.org/poet.php/prmPID/87 Maya Angelou at Academy of American Poets]
* [http://www.math.buffalo.edu/~sww/angelou/poems-ma.html Selected Poems]
* [https://www.quotespen.com/maya-angelou-quotes/ Maya Angelou Quotes for Life]
* [http://www.nwhp.org/tlp/biographies/angelou/angelou_bio.html Timeline at The National Women’s History Project]

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[[Category:Memoirists from the United States]]
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----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[South Park/Season 1|1]] [[South Park/Season 2|2]] [[South Park/Season 3|3]] [[South Park/Season 4|4]] [[South Park/Season 5|5]] [[South Park/Season 6|6]] [[South Park/Season 7|7]] [[South Park/Season 8|8]] [[South Park/Season 9|9]] [[South Park/Season 10|10]] [[South Park/Season 11|11]] [[South Park/Season 12|12]] [[South Park/Season 13|13]] [[South Park/Season 14|14]] [[South Park/Season 15|15]] [[South Park/Season 16|16]] [[South Park/Season 17|17]] [[South Park/Season 18|18]] [[South Park/Season 19|19]] [[South Park/Season 20|20]] [[South Park/Season 21|21]] [[South Park/Season 22|22]] [[South Park/Season 23|23]] [[South Park/Season 24|24]] [[South Park/Season 25|25]]| [[South Park|Main]]
----
&lt;br&gt;
'''''[[w:South Park|South Park]]''''' (1997-present) is an American adult animated sitcom created by [[w:Trey Parker|Trey Parker]] and [[w:Matt Stone|Matt Stone]]. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado.

== Seasons ==
*[[South Park/Season 1]]
*[[South Park/Season 2]]
*[[South Park/Season 3]]
*[[South Park/Season 4]]
*[[South Park/Season 5]]
*[[South Park/Season 6]]
*[[South Park/Season 7]]
*[[South Park/Season 8]]
*[[South Park/Season 9]]
*[[South Park/Season 10]]
*[[South Park/Season 11]]
*[[South Park/Season 12]]
*[[South Park/Season 13]]
*[[South Park/Season 14]]
*[[South Park/Season 15]]
*[[South Park/Season 16]] 
*[[South Park/Season 17]]
*[[South Park/Season 18]]
*[[South Park/Season 19]]
*[[South Park/Season 20]]
*[[South Park/Season 21]]
*[[South Park/Season 22]]
*[[South Park/Season 23]]
*[[South Park/Season 24]]
*[[South Park/Season 25]]

== Cast ==
* [[w:Trey Parker|Trey Parker]] - Stan Marsh/Eric Cartman
* [[w:Matt Stone|Matt Stone]] - Kyle Broflovski/Kenny McCormick

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{imdb title|id=0121955|title=South Park}}
*[http://www.southparkstudios.com South Park Studios Official website]
*[http://www.comedycentral.com/tv_shows/southpark ''South Park'' at Comedy Central]
*[http://www.google.com/ig/adde?source=ignsrc1&amp;moduleurl=http%3A//hosting.gmodules.com/ig/gadgets/file/102278687733335926746/South_Park_Quotes.xml  ''South Park'' quotes iGoogle gadget] (South Park quotes within Google homepage)
*[http://southparkquote.googlepages.com/ South Park quote generator]
*[http://myzitate.de/serienzitate.php?q=South+Park South Park quotes]
*[http://www.customsouthparks.com/ South Park create a character]
*[http://spepisode.org/ South Park]

{{Template:Trey Parker and Matt Stone}}

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[[File:Robin and Batman.JPG|right|thumb|Holy toreador!]]
[[File:Batman and Robin 1966.JPG|thumb|Batman and Robin]]
[[File:Batman villains The Penguin The Riddler The Joker 1967.JPG|thumb|Batman villains The Penguin, The Riddler and The Joker]]
'''''[[w:Batman (TV series)|Batman]]''''' is a television series featuring [[Adam West]] as the eponymous Caped Crusader and [[Burt Ward]] as his faithful sidekick Robin that originally aired between 1966 and 1968. This version of the long-running [[w:DC Comics|DC Comics]] story was done in campy style, with extraordinarily (and literally) colorful characters and settings, dialog played for laughs, and fight scenes famous for their comic-book &quot;Bam!&quot;, &quot;Pow!&quot;, &quot;Zap!&quot;, and other graphical exclamations.

== Season 1 ==

=== ''Hi Diddle Riddle'' [1.01] ===
:'''Commissioner Gordon''': I don't know who he is beneath that mask of his, but I know when we need him, and we need him now!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robin''': Gosh, if I could just figure out that riddle. Why can't I get it?
:'''Batman''': Maybe your mind's on that cute little teenager who waved to you on the way across town, eh?
:'''Robin''': Awww, come on, Batman.

=== ''Smack in the Middle'' [1.02] ===
:'''Riddler''': Did you hear about [[w:Greta Garbo|Greta Garbo]]? She dreamed one night she sprinkled 6 boxes of grass seed in her hair, and woke up moaning: &quot;I vant to be a lawn!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': The joke's on you, Riddler!
:'''Robin''': When is a donkey spelled with 1 letter?! When it's &quot;U&quot;!

=== ''Fine Feathered Finks'' [1.03] ===
:'''Dick''': Oh, heck! What's the use of learning French anyway?
:'''Bruce''': Dick, I'm surprised at you! Language is the key to world peace. If we all spoke each other's tongues, perhaps the scourge of war would be ended forever.
:'''Dick''': Gosh, Bruce, yes. I'll get these darn verbs if they kill me!

=== ''The Penguin's a Jinx'' [1.04] ===
:'''Robin''': What do we do, tip off Commissioner Gordon?
:'''Batman''': No, not on your life, old man. The Penguin and I have a score to settle.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Celebrity''': I'm not a person!  I'm just a commodity!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aunt Harriet''': Oh, Alfred! ''[She faints upon seeing Alfred and the movie star unconscious.]''

=== ''The Joker Is Wild'' [1.05] ===
:'''Dick Grayson''': What's so important about Chopin?
:'''Bruce Wayne''': All music is important, Dick. It's the universal language. One of our best hopes for the eventual realization of the brotherhood of man.
:'''Dick Grayson''': Gosh Bruce, yes, you're right. I'll practice harder from now on.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Joker''': ''[laughing]'' And now people of Gotham City, the moment you have all been waiting for. ''[Continuously Laughing]'' The grand finale!; The climax of my performance! The zenith of my career! The unmasking of Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder!

=== ''Batman Is Riled'' [1.06] ===
:'''Robin''': All the same!  &quot;The Joker is wild!&quot; &quot;Batman and Robin foiled again!&quot; Holy Headlines, do we look like page one dumbbells!
:'''Batman''': Too true, Robin. The responsibility of the press is to report the truth, despite what it might do to our public image. Our main concern is to a frightened public, whom we seem to be failing.
:'''Robin''': Gosh, you're right. I can't help thinking of only myself. I'm sorry.
:'''Batman''': Well, that's okay, chum. We all have the right to be selfish sometimes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': Batman and Boy Wonder?  Are your blindfolds in place? Very well, then. Ask yourselves, &quot;What is wrong with this sentence?&quot; &quot;He who laughs last laughs good!&quot; ''[laughs]''
:''[Batman turns off the television.]''
:'''Robin''': Holy grammar! Is that all?
:'''Batman''': He who laughs last laughs best, not good! Best! Best! Best!
:'''Robin''': Do you suppose &quot;blindfold&quot; might have something to do with it?
:'''Alfred''': If I may venture an opinion, sir, I think Master Dick may have put his finger on it.
:'''Batman''': Blindfold?
:'''Alfred''': No, sir. Grammar. The sentence was gramatically incorrect. One does not laugh good, sir. One laughs well.
:'''Batman''': Why, that's it, Alfred! Laughs well! Laughwell! Professor James J. Laughwell!
:'''Robin''': Holy safari! The one that just got back from Africa, with a collection of rare masks and objects of art!
:'''Alfred''': That's where the blindfold part would come in, sir.
:'''Batman''': And they're being stored at the Lasts Longer Warehouse! To the Batmobile!

=== ''Instant Freeze'' [1.07] ===
:'''Batman''': Poor devil...forced to live in an air-conditioned suit that keeps his body temperature down to 50 degrees below zero! No wonder his mind is warped.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Freeze''': ''[after freezing Batman &amp; Robin]'' I'm sorry, Batman. I wanted to toy with you a little longer, but that is the way the ice cube crumbles!

=== ''Rats Like Cheese'' [1.08] ===
:'''Batman''': ''[Insisting that he be substituted for a hostage against the strong opposition of Gordon and O'Hara]'' Sorry, Diamante is the idol of millions of impressionable young lads who look up to him. He must live to inspire the youth of today who will be the men of tomorrow.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': Mr. Freeze, give yourself up. We can get help for you... medical help!
:'''Mr. Freeze''': In prison? This I do not believe. No, you must PAY for what you did to me, for forcing me to live like this: never again to know the warmth of a summer breeze, never to feel the heat of burning logs in vintertime! Revenge. That is what I need! Revenge! I will have revenge!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robin''': ''Diamente'' means ''diamond'' in Italian.

=== ''Zelda the Great'' [1.09] ===
:'''Dick''': Wow! The rings of Saturn! This is sure some fun, Bruce.
:'''Bruce''': Astronomy is more than mere fun, Dick.
:'''Dick''': It is?
:'''Bruce''': Yes, it helps give us a sense of proportion. Reminds us how little we are, really. People tend to forget that sometimes.
:'''Dick''': Gosh yes, that's right. I'll bet I see those rings a little differently this time!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robin''':(to Zelda The Great)We've got you bank bandit! 
:''[She disappears using a mirror trick.]''
:'''Robin''': Holy Hole in a Doughnut. What happened?

=== ''A Death Worse Than Fate'' [1.10] ===
:'''Zelda''': Oh, it seems such a waste. They are such handsome creatures.
:'''Eivol''': Shut up!
:'''Zelda''': Eivol, Eivol, can I help being a woman?
:'''Eivol''': Shut up, I said!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robin''': Look at her. Glycerin tears.
:'''Batman''': No, Robin. Real.
:'''Zelda''': Some other lifetime, Batman?
:'''Batman''': Perhaps, some other lifetime.
:''[Zelda continues to shed tears as Batman cuffs her.]''

=== ''A Riddle a Day Keeps the Riddler Away'' [1.11] ===
:'''Mousey''': Gee, I've never met royalty before! It's pretty thrilling!
:'''Riddler''': Royalty? You've never met royalty? And just whom do you think stands before you, my cherub? I am The Prince Of Puzzlers, The Count Of Conundrums, The King Of Crime! I hold court here, no one else!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robin''': Gosh, there could be diplomatic repercussions if we fail this time, Batman.
:'''Batman''': That's not the point, Robin. What's important is that the world know that all visitors to these teeming shores are safe, be they peasant or king.
:'''Robin''': Gee, Batman, I never thought of that. You're right.
:'''Batman''': It's the very essence of our democracy.

=== ''When the Rat's Away the Mice Will Play'' [1.12] ===
:'''Riddler''': So many people have tried...The Penguin, Mr. Freeze, The Joker, all masters of their craft, granted, but I, only I have succeeded in ridding Gotham's criminal kingdom of The Dynamic Duo!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Riddler''': Rats, I am a man of a few words, but a man of many Riddles, so riddle me this: what is it that is always coming, but never arrives?! ''[No one answers]'' Quickly, quickly!
:'''Fangs''': Uh, we ain't tuned in on the Riddle bit, chief!
:'''Mousey''': Yeah! We give up! What is it that is always coming, but never arrives?
:'''Riddler''': Tomorrow.
:'''Whitey''': Tomorrow?
:'''Riddler''': Tomorrow. For when it arrives, it is today, and today, my dear rodents, should prove to be most memorable!

=== ''The Thirteenth Hat'' [1.13] ===
:'''Bruce''': When we have more time, I'll acquaint you with the various processes of sculptoring. It's a fascinating art to which I have devoted many hours of study.
:'''Dick''': I sure would like to hear about it, Bruce.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Henchman''': Many others have tried killing Batman.
:'''Mad Hatter''': Many others do not have the lethal equipment of my hat factory.

=== ''Batman Stands Pat'' [1.14] ===
:'''Robin''': Well, I'm used to seeing you do the impossible, but getting out of that plaster tomb was impossible!
:'''Batman''': Much easier than it seemed, Robin, I simply held my breath.
:'''Robin''': Holy Frogman!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': The police department is on its toes. Six more kidnappings.

=== ''The Joker Doesn't Go to School'' [1.15] ===
:'''The Joker''': Hello, kiddies! A-meet the Joker!

=== ''He Meets His Match, the Grisly Ghoul'' [1.16] ===
:'''Joker''': ''[laughing]'' Have a sneeze on me, Batman!
:''[Joker administers sneezing powder upon Batman, which has no effect.]''
:'''Batman''': No use, Joker! I knew you'd employ your sneezing powder, so I took an Anti-Allergy Pill! Instead of a sneeze, I've caught you cold!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Suzie''': I'll have nightmares all my life, Mr. Wayne. If it hadn't been for that power failure, where would Robin be? And where would Batman be?
:'''Dick''': Where would Dick Grayson be?
:'''Suzie''': What?
:'''Bruce''': Forget about it, young people. Just be thankful that life is filled with unanswered questions, that's all. Goodbye, Suzie.
:'''Suzie''': Goodbye.

=== ''True or False-Face'' [1.17] ===
:'''Chief O'Hara''': Commissioner, there's only one man living who can unmask False Face.
:''[They glance at the Batphone.]''
:'''Commissioner Gordon''': Chief O'Hara, you've spoken for all of us. Our only hope is that tower of power for right and justice, the Caped Crusader!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hencheman''': Lets hear it for false face..Hip..Hip Horray
:'''False Face''': Thanks men..I know you didn't mean it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''False Face''': The Express will be here inside of five minutes, Batman. Inside of six, no more Batman!
:'''Robin''': Fiend!!
:'''Batman''': False Face, you'll regret this!......eventually.

=== ''Holy Rat Race'' [1.18] ===
:'''False Face''': What? Is it possible?
:'''Batman''': Not only possible, but true.
:'''False Face''': Please! Not that word.
:'''Robin''': We've turned your own tricky tables on you, False Face, via a false vault!
:'''False Face''': I'm never out turned until the last turn, Boy Wonder!
:''[They start fighting.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''False Face''': ''[posing as Commissioner Gordon]'' But False Face must be caught before he plots another sinister scheme!
:'''Batman''': Absolutely accurate, False Face!
:'''Chief O'Hara''': But Caped Crusader, that's the Commissioner!
:'''Batman''': Is it? Then why is a right-handed commissioner holding his handkerchief in his left hand?
:''[False Face looks and sees he has goofed again. When he tried to flee, Batman grabs him and unmasks him.]''
:'''Chief O'Hara''': Saints alive!  It's False Face!
:'''Blaze''': So you finally fumbled, False Face!
:'''False Face''': For the moment!
:''[The Commissioner comes out, all exhausted from the brief capture.]''
:'''Commissioner Gordon''': I lost him!
:'''Robin''': Luckily, Commissioner, he found us!
:'''Chief O'Hara''': Impersonating a police commissioner! Well, the warden will be working out a warm welcome for you!
:'''False Face''': ''[to Batman]'' Game and set to you, Caped Crusader! But wait! You may yet meet your match!

=== ''The Purr-Fect Crime'' [1.19] ===
:'''Batman''': You feline devil. What have you done with Robin?
:'''Catwoman''': Is that any way to greet an old friend? Not even a hello, how are you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': Robin, you haven't fastened your safety bat-belt.
:'''Robin''': We're only going a couple of blocks.
:'''Batman''': It won't be long until you are old enough to get a driver's license, Robin, and you'll be able to drive the Batmobile and other vehicles. Remember motorist safety.
:'''Robin''': Gosh, Batman, when you put it that way.

=== ''Better Luck Next Time'' [1.20] ===
:''[Catwoman is about to feed Robin to a tiger.]''
:'''Robin''': Catwoman, you are not a nice person.

=== ''The Penguin Goes Straight'' [1.21] ===
:'''Robin''': When we put the fake jewels in Miss Starr's safe and take the real ones out, we could be nailed as crooks.
:'''Batman''': That's a chance we have to take, Robin. In our well-ordered society, protection of private property is essential.
:'''Robin''': Yes, you're right, Batman. That's the keystone to all law and order.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Great Scott, Alfred! Have you forgotten? Batman told you to switch cigarette holders with the Penguin! You're meant to palm off the trick one with the tiny super-powered transmitter inside! Quick, before it's too late! Create that diversion!

=== ''Not Yet, He Ain't'' [1.22] ===
:''[Batman and Robin jump into the Penguin Protection Agency, Batman growling]''
:'''Penguin''': Well, the costumed crooks! The dressed-up desperadoes!
:'''Batman''': Your super-brain power has driven us MAD, Penguin!
:'''Robin''': Something SNAPPED!
:'''Batman''': We don't care if we go up the river for a hundred years, we're getting you first!!
:'''Penguin''': Quick, my finks! Self-defense! The dynamic duo has flipped their wings!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Penguin''': Back from the grave, you tricksters, eh?!
:'''Robin''': Back to send you on a honeymoon cruise, Penguin...up the river to the pen!
:'''Batman''': &quot;Gone straight,&quot; huh?!
:'''Robin''': We'll straighten YOU out!!

=== ''The Ring of Wax'' [1.23] ===
:'''Batman''': Have you seen any unusual looking people around here?
:'''Librarian''': Unusual? In what way, unusual?
:'''Batman''': Their garb. For instance, a man wearing a bright green suit with big black question marks on it.
:'''Librarian''': Let me think a moment. No, I can't say that I have offhand, but then I see so many people in the course of a day.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robin''': Why did you steal that book on the lost treasure of the Incas?
:'''Riddler''': For two people about to become human candles, you ask a lot of questions!
:'''Batman''': I'm always interested in the way of the criminal mind.

=== ''Give 'em the Axe'' [1.24] ===
:'''Moth''': Oh, Batman, honey, Moth has learned her lesson, really she has. Crime doesn't pay!
:'''Batman''': Unfortunately you've learned your lesson too late, Moth. A moth who flies around candles is liable to get burned.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bruce''': Most Americans don't realize what we owe to the ancient Incas. Very few appreciate they gave us the white potato and many varieties of Indian corn.
:'''Dick''': Now whenever I eat mashed potatoes, I for one will think of the Incas.

=== ''The Joker Trumps an Ace'' [1.25] ===
:''[Batman and Robin are on a golf course in the Batmobile.]''
:'''Robin''': Let's get going and make an emergency bat-turn!
:'''Batman''': Not this time, old chum. Have to think of the golfers. The retro-rockets would burn up the course for a hundred yards.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dick''': ''[working on a jigsaw puzzle]'' It's so much harder with the pieces upside down.
:'''Bruce''': Of course. Think of what excellent training it is for your visual memory.
:'''Dick''': Gosh yes, I guess that's true.

=== ''Batman Sets the Pace'' [1.26] ===
:'''Henchman #1''': Hey boss, hey boss, boss, boss, boss, look, look, look, they're up in the chimney!
:'''Joker''': I know that you fool!
:'''Henchman #1''': Well how'd they get up there?
:'''Joker''': [''Sarcastically''] They took the elevator, what do you think!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robin''': How far did you say that room was underground?
:'''Batman''': About 50 feet. Enough to give us good momentum.
:'''Robin''': Oh boy, I'll say. Can I go first? I want to see their faces.
:'''Batman''': [''Holding Robin back''] Dynamic seniority.

=== ''The Curse of Tut'' [1.27] ===
:'''King Tut''': ''[to Nefertiti]'' How many times must I tell you?! Queens consume nectar and ambrosia, not hot dogs!

=== ''The Pharaoh's in a Rut'' [1.28] ===
:'''Batman''': In the name of mercy, think back to the days when you were a distinguished professor at Yale University. Give yourself up; I vow that you'll receive the finest medical attention.
:'''King Tut''': Chief Torturer, what's the pebble count on Batman?
:'''Chief Torturer''': 297, Oh Great Pharaoh!
:'''King Tut''': Speed it up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': Human mechanisms are made by human hands, Robin. None of them is infallible. It is a lesson which must be faced.

=== ''The Bookworm Turns'' [1.29] ===
:'''Dick''': [''after seeing Commissioner Gordon apparently shot to death on TV''] Holy homicide! Tell me I'm having a nightmare!
:'''Bruce''': Steady, Dick. It happened all right.
:'''Dick''': Commissioner Gordon - killed!
:'''Bruce''': This is one time we DON'T wait for the Batphone!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robin''': ''[about Lydia Limpet]'' Gosh, Batman, those look like honest eyes.
:'''Batman''': Never trust the old chestnut, &quot;Crooks have beady little eyes&quot;. It's false.

=== ''While Gotham City Burns'' [1.30] ===
:'''Batman''': Don't interrupt! I'm trying to fathom the sub-conscience of a deadly criminal!

=== ''Death in Slow Motion'' [1.31] ===
:[''Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara are under the influence of Riddler's Temper Tonic'']
:'''Gordon''': [[w:Maury Wills|Maury Wills]] better than [[w:Honus Wagner|Honus Wagner]]?
:'''O'Hara''': 50 times better.
:'''Gordon''': You're an ignorant oaf, Chief O'Hara. I wonder why I keep you in my department.
:'''O'Hara''': [''sarcastically''] Your royal highness! Often I wondered why I don't resign.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Von Bloheim''': Achtung! Der Fledermaus! The Batman spots us!

=== ''The Riddler's False Notion'' [1.32] ===
:'''Pauline''': My name is Pauline. My lawyer's name is Mr. Oliver Wendell. Why don't you look him up and buzz him?
:'''Gordon''': No use, Batman. She's hard as nails.
:'''O'Hara''': Knows her legal rights, too.
:'''Batman''': A frustrated, would-be actress. A star that was never born. Venting her disappointment on society.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Riddler''': ''[holding up Van Jones]'' Mr. Van Jones, why are you like a clock at midnight? Answer: because both your hands are goin' straight up right now!

=== ''Fine Finny Fiends'' [1.33] ===
:'''Batman''': ''[about to cross the street]'' Remember Robin, always look both ways.

=== ''Batman Makes the Scenes'' [1.34] ===

=== ''Batman: the Movie'' (1966) [1.35] ===
:'''Miss Kitka''': When I close my eyes, I imagine a world at peace.
:'''Bruce''': That's strange... when I close my eyes, I imagine something quite astonishingly different.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robin''': A giant cake of foam rubber! What are the chances?
:'''Batman''': I'd say the odds against it would make even the most reckless gambler cringe!

== Season 2 ==

=== ''Shoot a Crooked Arrow'' [2.01] ===
:'''Batman''': He's from Philadelphia.
:'''Dick Clark''': How did you know?
:'''Batman''': You dipped your diphthong. People from Philadelphia are known for that.

=== ''Walk the Straight and Narrow'' [2.02] ===
:'''Batman''': We've got your number, Archer.
:'''The Archer''': Impossible, my dear Sheriff of Gothamham. My number's unlisted.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alan A. Dale''': I like that cape, Batman. Very chic.

=== ''Hot Off the Griddle'' [2.03] ===
:'''Batman''': Remember the Boy Scouts' motto.
:'''Robin''': 'Be prepared'.
:'''Batman''': It would do well to keep that in mind at all times.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robin''': Holy oleo!
:'''Catwoman''': I didn't know you could yodel.

=== ''The Cat and the Fiddle'' [2.04] ===
:'''Robin''': Boy! That was our closest call ever! I have to admit that I was pretty scared!
:'''Batman''': I wasn't scared in the least.
:'''Robin''': Not at all?
:'''Batman''': Haven't you noticed how we always escape the vicious ensnarements of our enemies?
:'''Robin''': Yeah, because we're smarter than they are!
:'''Batman''': I like to think it's because our hearts are pure.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Catwoman''': Batman, you saved my life!
:'''Batman''': It was the least I could do.
:'''Catwoman''': How can I ever combat you again after all you've done for me?
:'''Batman''': Let's hope it never comes to that, Catwoman, because, in the end, veracity and rectitude always triumph.
:'''Catwoman''': Batman...are you spoken for?
:'''Batman''': Huh?
:'''Catwoman''': Married, engaged, or going steady?
:'''Batman''': My crime fighting leaves me little time for social engagements.
:'''Catwoman''': Boy...have I got a girl for you!

=== ''The Minstrel's Shakedown'' [2.05] ===
:'''The Minstrel''': ''[strums his lyre and sings, to the tune of &quot;Rock-A-Bye Baby&quot;]'' ''Batman and Robin, rotate and revolve.'' &lt;br/&gt; ''As the heat grows, your bodies dissolve.'' &lt;br/&gt; ''When it's still hotter, then you will melt.'' &lt;br/&gt; ''Nothing left but your utility belt.''
:'''Robin''': ''[as he and Batman are spun around on the rotating spit]'' Is this it, Batman? Is this the end??
:'''Batman''': If it is...let's not lose our dignity!

=== ''Barbecued Batman?'' [2.06] ===
:'''The Minstrel''': ''[strumming his lyre again, to the tune of &quot;Rock-A-Bye Baby&quot;]''
:''Batman and Robin, rotate and revolve.'' &lt;br/&gt; ''As the heat mounts, you'll lose all resolve.'' &lt;br/&gt; ''In a few minutes, we will be prepared'' &lt;br/&gt; ''to leave you here cooking and exit this lair.''

=== ''The Spell of Tut'' [2.07] ===
:'''Robin''': But what is it?
:'''Batman''': ''Saribus Sacer''. A species of ancient Egyptian beetle, sacred to the Sun God, Hymeopolos. And from which the term scarab is derived. But, you should know that, Robin, if you are up on your studies of Egyptology.
:'''Robin''': You're right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': I know. Hieroglyphics self-taught are a chore, Robin; but, it is a surefire way to unravel the secrets of the ancient mystics.

=== ''Tut's Case Is Shut'' [2.08] ===
:'''Batman''': Experience teaches slowly, Robin. And at a cost of many mistakes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Chief O'Hara leads away King Tut, who is back in his persona of Professor McElroy]''
:'''King Tut''': I'm a professor at Yale! You can't-! The PTA shall hear of this!....

=== ''The Greatest Mother of Them All'' [2.09] ===
:'''Batman''': Ma Parker's girl is more dangerous than her three boys.
:'''Robin''': Her legs sort of reminded me of Catwoman's.
:'''Batman''': You're growing up, Robin. Remember, in crime-fighting always keep your sights raised.

=== ''Ma Parker'' [2.10] ===
:'''Dick''': Gosh Bruce, Greek is still Greek to me.
:'''Aunt Harriet''': It's Greek to a lot of Greeks too. It's one of the world's oldest, most important, most beautiful languages.
:'''Dick''': It may be, Aunt Harriet, but can't we take a breather and work out in the gym for a while?
:'''Aunt Harriet''': But the mind needs exercise too, Dick.
:'''Dick''': Well, my mind is getting muscle-bound.
:'''Bruce''': Ahhh, there is an old saying, Dick. A sound mind and a sound body. A worthy goal.

=== ''The Clock King's Crazy Crimes'' [2.11] ===
:'''Clock King''': Some people kill time, but this time, time is going to kill you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robin''': I AM a little hungry.
:'''Batman''': Of course, Robin. Even crime-fighters must eat. And especially you. You're a growing boy and you need your nutrition.

=== ''The Clock King Gets Crowned'' [2.12] ===
:'''Henchman''': You've done what nobody else could have done. You've finished off Batman and Robin. ''[followed by applause]''
:'''Clock King''': Thank you. I deserve it, of course, but I thank you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Clock King:''' No! It can't be true! You're dead! You have to be dead!
:'''Robin:''' Maybe we're living on ''borrowed'' time!
:'''Batman:''' But now, it's round-up time!

=== ''An Egg Grows in Gotham'' [2.13] ===

=== ''The Yegg Foes in Gotham'' [2.14] ===
:'''Robin''': We better hurry, Batman.
:'''Batman''': Not too fast, Robin. In good bat-climbing, as in good driving, one must never sacrifice safety for speed.
:'''Robin''': Right again, Batman.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Egghead''': Woe is me. My criminal career is now ''eggs''tinct!
:'''Batman''': Foolish, evil man!
:'''Robin''': You're going to go where all the broken eggshells end up: in the garbage!

=== ''The Devil's Fingers'' [2.15] ===
:'''Gordon''': Switchboard, Commissioner Gordon here. Plug me in at once into the Hotline Batphone circuit.
:'''Alfred''': I regret to say, sir, Batman and Robin are not at present available.
:'''Gordon''': What? Surely, you, you must be jesting.
:'''Alfred''': Alas, sir, I am not. Batman is enjoying one of his infrequent vacations.
:'''Gordon''': Ohh! Catastrophic! Unprecedented! Batman and Robin not available! You know what this means, don't you?
:'''O'Hara''': If you're thinking what I'm afraid you're thinking.
:'''Gordon''': Precisely, Chief O'Hara. The moment we've dreaded for years has arrived. This time, we're going to have to solve a case ourselves.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': Who attacked you?
:'''Chandell''': I've covered for the fiend long enough. It was my criminal twin brother--Harry
:'''Robin''': Holy fratricide! Any idea where he hangs out?
:'''Chandell''': As a matter of fact, yes. His lair is an abandoned music roll factory. 20 B Front Street. Zip code, 9999979.

=== ''The Dead Ringers'' [2.16] ===
:'''Robin''': Holy Metronome! What a fate--punched into player-piano rolls!
:'''Batman''': True, Robin, scarcely an end I'd rather anticipate! Life--a cupful of surprises to the last drop!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robin''': Self-control is sure tough sometimes, Batman!
:'''Batman''': All virtues are, old chum. Indeed, that's why they're virtues.

=== ''Hizzonner the Penguin'' [2.17] ===
:'''Penguin''': ''[to his election crew]'' Plenty of girls and bands and slogans and lots of hoopla, but remember, no politics. Issues confuse people!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Penguin''': That Batman won't garner enough votes to become elected dogcatcher!

=== ''Dizzonner the Penguin'' [2.18] ===
:'''Robin''': ''[to Batman, after falling in, but surviving, the sulphuric acid deathtrap]'' Good thing we just got these new acid-proof suits, Batman!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': ''[to an offer from the Democratic National Committee]'' But I thought you already had a candidate for 1968.

=== ''Green Ice'' [2.19] ===
:'''Robin''': Gosh Batman, dig those flavors; Lemon-Lime, Orange, Raspberry, Pineapple...
:'''Mr. Freeze''': Pick your choice, Boy Wonder!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Freeze''': ''[recurring line]'' Wild!

=== ''Deep Freeze'' [2.20] ===
:'''Batman''': Tarnished reputations are unfortunate, Robin. We can live with those. However, a threat to all of Gotham City is something else.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': We have tickets for tonight's finals in the Gotham City Miss Galaxy contest. I know Robin is a little young for this sort of thing, but...
:'''Robin''': I'm not gonna be young all my life, Batman, and besides beauty contests are practically an American institution.
:'''Batman''': You see, gentlemen, such pure logic is indisputable.

=== ''The Impractical Joker'' [2.21] ===
:'''Cornelia''': It's a cool pad, Joker.
:'''Joker''': Huh, all you've seen of this cool pad, Cornelia, is that mirror. Vanity is a waste of time. I never look at myself.
:'''Cornelia''': Well I'm younger, Joker, and a girl; and it is a cool pad.
:'''Joker''': Well, it will do for the purpose.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sam Stone''': Your daily workout, Batman?
:'''Batman''': Yes, crimefighters have to stay in shape, but you know that.
:'''Sam Stone''': Well, my job's a little easier. Sometimes, a fast gun has the edge on a fast batrope. I'm not invading your territory, I'm just tracking down a clue incognito.
:'''Batman''':  Welcome, and good luck. If you need help, you can always locate us through Commissioner Gordon's office.
:'''Robin''': The Batphone number's is unlisted.
:'''Sam Stone''': Smart thinking. Don't slip.

=== ''The Joker's Provokers'' [2.22] ===
:'''Robin''': And if you want to pollute any more water, you'll find plenty where you're going -- up the river!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Latch''': This joke of the Joker's don't strike me as being too funny. What if we get caught?
:'''Bolt''': We won't Latch. Think of all we owe the Joker. The fine things he's done for us: Sneaking those files into the prison; dumping our parole officer in the Gotham River; kidnapping that entire jury, and holding the judge's wife as hostage. He's been a real friend.
:'''Latch''': You're right, Bolt. There should be more fine, upstanding men like the Joker.

=== ''Marsha, Queen of Diamonds'' [2.23] ===
:'''Narrator''': Watch out, Batman! The powers of darkness lurk in this room!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robin''': ''[to Marsha]'' Batman's never rude to a lady. But you're no lady.

=== ''Marsha's Scheme of Diamonds'' [2.24] ===
[''after the minister is presented a supposedly legitimate marriage certificate'']
:'''Minister''': Why didn't you tell me about this, Batman?
:'''Batman''': It, um, slipped my mind?
:'''Minister''': Slipped your mind indeed. I am not in the habit of marrying bigamists.
:'''Marsha''': [''after scanning the marriage certificate''] Why you two-timing Bat-fink!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alfred''': ''[to Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara]'' My experience with women has been that they tend to believe what they want to believe. So, knowing you both to be conscientious gentlemen and faithful husbands, I'm sure that if you just tell both your wives that you were involved in some special and, uh, confidential assignment, that will suffice.
:'''Commissioner Gordon''': Have you ever been married?
:'''Alfred''': Eh -- Well, no, no.
:'''Commissioner Gordon''': Alfred, at the risk of sounding pompous, experience with ''women'' and experience with ''wives'' are two vastly different things.
:'''Chief O'Hara''': Amen.

=== ''Come Back, Shame'' [2.25] ===
:'''Shame''': I'll tell the world you died with your Bat-boots on! [''laughs maniacally'']

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': Shame on you, Shame!

=== ''It's the Way You Play the Game'' [2.26] ===
:'''Robin''': I always thought they [''bulls''] went for red capes, Batman.
:'''Batman''': Merely an affectation, Robin. Something to make the ''corrida'' seem more colorful. Actually, bulls are color-blind. They react to movement, not to color.
:'''Robin''': Holy toreador!
:'''Batman''': The word is &quot;matador&quot;, Robin. &quot;Toreador&quot; is a word of convenience used by [[w:Bizet|Bizet]] in his classic opera ''[[w:Carmen|Carmen]]''.
:'''Robin''': Holy matador, then!
:'''Batman''': Very apt.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robin''': But he knows that we know about his hideout there!
:'''Batman''': Correct! However, knowing that, he'd think that we'd think he would not return there, therefore he did and so will we!
:'''Robin''': Holy Bat Logic.

=== ''The Penguin's Nest'' [2.27] ===
:'''Robin''': It sure is a shame, Batman. A restaurant with such terrific chow turning out to be a mere front for some criminal scheme.
:'''Batman''': Look at it this way, Robin. That $100 cover charge is pretty stiff. Penguin's &quot;terrific chow&quot; is hardly within the budget of the average worker.
:'''Robin''': Gosh yes, you're right, Batman. All the needy people in the world, all the hungry children.
:'''Batman''': Good thinking, Robin.

=== ''The Bird's Last Jest'' [2.28] ===
:'''Chickadee''' [''holding her umbrella-gun to Aunt Harriet's head'']: Batman! Stop or I blow the lady's brains out! Batman!
:[''Alfred pops out of the giant pie and tries to wrestle the gun out of Chickadee's hands. Harriet smashes a vase on Chickadee's head, knocking her out'']
:'''Alfred''': Well hit, madam!
:[''Harriet faints'']

=== ''The Cat's Meow'' [2.29] ===
:'''Robin''': I guess you can never trust a woman.
:'''Batman''': You've made a hasty generalization, Robin. It's a bad habit to get into.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': ''[to Robin]'' When you get a little older, you'll see how easy it is to become lured by the female of the species.

=== ''The Bat's Kow Tow'' [2.30] ===
:''[Batman and Robin are untying each other after escaping the echo chamber]''
:'''Robin''': Wow! I think I'll be hard of hearing for a while!
:'''Batman''': What?!!
:'''Robin''': I said, WOW! I THINK I'LL BE HARD OF HEARING FOR A WHILE!
:'''Batman''': You'll have to speak louder, Robin! I think I'll be hard of hearing for a while!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Catwoman''': Shall I steal your voice or end your life?
:'''Batman''': Whichever you decide, I'm sure it'll be the wrong choice.

=== ''The Puzzles Are Coming'' [2.31] ===
:'''Puzzler''': When you reach 20,000 feet, an automatic mechanism will release the basket from the balloon, and you both will reaffirm Newton's law of universal gravitation - back down 20,000 feet!
:'''Robin''': I'll bet even Shakespeare didn't have words for such ''villainy''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ramjet''': ''[to Batman and Robin, who are in Puzzler's hot-air balloon trap]'' Hey, you guys want some gum?
:'''Puzzler''': Really, Ramjet!
:'''Ramjet''': That's what they give you in the airlines before you take off.

=== ''The Duo Is Slumming'' [2.32] ===
:'''Santa Claus''': Ho Ho Ho!!!
:'''Robin''': Say hi to those 8 tiny reindeer for us.
:'''Santa''': I will!!
:'''Batman and Robin''': Merry Christmas Santa.
:'''Santa''': Merry Christmas everybody Ho Ho Ho!!!!
:'''Batman''': If you can't trust Santa, whom can you trust?

=== ''The Sandman Cometh'' [2.33] ===
:'''Batman''': Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara didn't have much to offer.
:'''Robin''': 1) A Policewoman's vanished. 2) Catwoman and Sandman are apparently in cahoots. 3) A girl was abducted from a store window. 4) She turned up on television and 5) She disappeared. You're right, Batman. It's nothing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sandman''': It's naptime for both of you!

=== ''The Catwoman Goeth'' [2.34] ===
'''Sandman''': To the medical eye such childish claptrap means just one thing, young man: You need some sleep.

=== ''The Contaminated Cowl'' [2.35] ===
:'''The Mad Hatter''': This phase of my career will never be over, until I have The Caped Crusader's cowl safely in my custody!

=== ''The Mad Hatter Runs Afoul'' [2.36] ===
:'''Mad Hatter''': Who made Batman and Robin famous crime fighters? Criminals, that's who. If you want to show a little respect to the departed, stay crooked! That's the least you can do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': Right now, Robin and I are off to nail Mad Hatter.
:'''Gordon''': The Mad Hatter? At a time like this? Who cares about that pipsqueak's inconsequential crimes?
:'''Batman''': Any crime, no matter how large or small, Commissioner Gordon, is a violation of a public right and common law, and the criminal or criminals committing such an offense must be apprehended, for the sake of all human morality.

=== ''The Zodiac Crimes'' [2.37] ===
:'''Venus''': What's inside, Joker? $2000 is a lot of money!
:'''Joker''': Ah, this merchandise is WORTH $2000!
[Penguin pops out of the box.]
:'''Penguin''': It's worth $200,000, you cheapskate! At least you could have sent me a plane ticket!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robin''': Venus seemed like a nice girl in that costume.
:'''Batman''': I suspect she is a nice girl down deep, but she's fallen in with bad companions. And who knows what her home life was like?

=== ''The Joker's Hard Times'' [2.38] ===

=== ''The Penguin Declines'' [2.39] ===
:'''Joker''': Get Penguin's clothes for him! Hurry!
:'''Penguin''': Get my clothes for me? I've got them on!
:'''Joker''': Oh, so you do! For a minute, I thought those were prison issue!
:'''Penguin''': Prison issue?! This sartorial triumph, a prison issue?!
:'''Joker''': Well, sometime I'll give you the name of my tailor!
:'''Penguin''': Sometime I'll give you a piece of my mind! Like right now!!

=== ''That Darn Catwoman'' [2.40] ===
:'''Catwoman''': Robin, get the money.
:'''Batman''': ''[entering from behind a curtain]'' Don't do it Robin! She's got you under the influence of some sort of drug, Robin.
:'''Robin''': Who's the character in the ridiculous costume?
:'''Catwoman''': ''[laughs]'' That's Batman.
:'''Batman''': You don't recognize me, Robin? What a dastardly turn of events this is.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Catwoman''': Robin?
:'''Robin''': Yeah?
:'''Catwoman''': Slay the blue dragon.
:'''Robin''': Groovy.
:'''Batman''': Oh, no.
:'''Robin''': Oh, yes.

=== ''Scat, Darn Catwoman'' [2.41] ===
:'''O'Hara''': What she (Pussycat) needs is a good slap on the wrist.
:'''Gordon''': That's enough. You know I'm violently opposed to police brutality.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': Chief O'Hara, may I have the keys to your patrol car?
:'''Chief O'Hara''': ...are you insured?
:'''Comissioner Gordon''': Give him the keys, O'Hara!
:'''Chief O'Hara''': Yes, sir.

=== ''Penguin Is a Girl's Best Friend'' [2.42] ===

=== ''Penguin Sets a Trend'' [2.43] ===
:'''Robin''': That's an impossible shot, Batman.
:'''Batman''': That's a negative attitude, Robin.

=== ''Penguin's Disastrous End'' [2.44] ===
:'''Batman''': ''[after cracking a safe]'' It's not difficult, if you have steady nerves and a good ear. Quality is destroyed by the tenor of criminal life.

=== ''Batman's Anniversary'' [2.45] ===
:'''Down''': [after successfully robbing a flooded band and escaping the dynamic duo]'' Worked like a charm, Riddler!
:'''Riddler''': Why not? There's a difference between a ''bat''man and a ''frog''man!! One quick stop and then lets go dry our money!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': Only The Riddler and his ilk would have such a flagrant disregard for private property! This door will have to be repaired.

=== ''A Riddling Controversy'' [2.46] ===
:'''Batman''': I always imagined it would end differently, but yet less ignominiously. To drown in my own anniversary cake!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Riddler''': How can you LAMEBRAINS play CARDS at a time like this?!!!

=== ''The Joker's Last Laugh'' [2.47] ===
:'''Dick''': Gosh, Economics is sure a dull subject.
:'''Bruce''': Oh, you must be jesting, Dick. Economics dull? The glamour, the romance of commerce... Hmm. It's the very lifeblood of our country's society.

=== ''The Joker's Epitaph'' [2.48] ===
:'''Joker''': We who laugh and run away, live to laugh another day!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robin''': ''[(After Bruce explains how his ventriloquism skills allowed Alfred to imitate his voice)]'' Gosh, yes, I should have thought of that.
:'''Bruce''': Ah, don't blame yourself, Robin. It's sometimes difficult to think clearly when you're strapped to a printing press.

=== ''Catwoman Goes to College'' [2.49] ===
:'''Catwoman''': ''[after putting Batman &amp; Robin under with a spray]'' Fools. Don't they know that tears are a woman's most effective weapon?

=== ''Batman Displays His Knowledge'' [2.50] ===
:'''Catwoman''': I could give you more happiness than anyone in the world.
:'''Batman''': How do you propose to do that?
:'''Catwoman''': By being your partner in life, I mean it's me and you against the world.
:'''Batman''': What about Robin?
:'''Catwoman''': Hmmm... I know. We'll kill him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Catwoman's men appear and confront Batman.]''
:'''Batman''': So, you didn't tell the truth ''[about coming alone]''.
:'''Catwoman''': Did you ever hear of a crook who did?
:'''Batman''': The odds seem about right -- four against one.
:'''Robin''': ''[appearing from behind some furniture]'' Four against two, Batman!
:'''Batman''': Robin!
:'''Robin''': I couldn't resist. ''[staying away]'' ''You'' were taken in by her ''[sniffs]'', but I'm too young for that sort of thing!
:'''Batman''': Out of the mouths of Boy Wonders ofttimes come gems.

=== ''A Piece of the Action'' [2.51] ===
:'''Batman''': That's one trouble with dual identities, Robin. Dual responsibilities.

=== ''Batman's Satisfaction'' [2.52] ===
:'''[[w:Kato (The Green Hornet)|Kato]]''': Kung fu is kung fu- it's not child's play.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kato (The Green Hornet)|Kato]]''': I'm glad those guys are on our side, even though they don't know it.

=== ''King Tut's Coup'' [2.53] ===
:'''King Tut''': If the Caped Crumb is here, the cowled creep can't be far behind.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Tut''': It isn't that I love you any less, Batman. Simply that I love me more.

=== ''Batman's Waterloo'' [2.54] ===
:'''King Tut''': When we get to the Royal Oil Boiling Room, be sure to prepare some real boiling royal boiling oil to boil the Boy Wonder in. Royally.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lisa''': Would you like to come in for a glass of milk and cookies?
:'''Bruce''': I'm afraid it's rather late. Why, it's 10:30!

=== ''Black Widow Strikes Again'' [2.55] ===
:'''Batman''': ''[to Black Widow]'' I never touch spirits. Have you some milk?

=== ''Caught in the Spider's Den'' [2.56] ===
:'''Robin''': ''[After the Black Widow has hypnotized Batman]'' Batman, I need you to sing a song! That way I can free you from the Black Widow's evil thrall!
:'''Batman''': Very well, Robin. I think a little [[w:Gilbert &amp; Sullivan|Gilbert &amp; Sullivan]]... ''[Picks up flower]'' I'm called Little... Buttercup... Poor Little... Buttercup... Though I could... never tell... why...

=== ''Pop Goes the Joker'' [2.57] ===
:'''Joker''': Ewww. Well, that's terrible. Terrible, Wayne. Why, even a 3-year old could do better than that. Here, let ''me'' show you. ''[Joker works with the clay and ruins the sculpture.]'' Ah, there, that's more like it.
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Yes. I see what you mean. That's about the level of a 3-year old.
:'''Joker''': ''I'' do the jokes around here, Wayne!
:'''Bruce Wayne''': I say that was one of your better ones.

=== ''Flop Goes the Joker'' [2.58] ===
:'''Joker''': Where's Bruce Wayne?
:'''Alfred''': Mr. Wayne is not at home, sir.
:'''Joker''': Too bad. I'll get my revenge later. Right now, I'll settle for cash. Where's the safe?
:'''Alfred''': My duties do not include aiding and abetting thievery.
:'''Joker''': Oh, no? ''[points a gun at Baby Jane's head]''
:'''Alfred''': ...right this way, sir.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Joker is helplessly stuck on the Bat-pole.]''
:'''Joker''': Alfred, old pal! Have pity! ''[whimpers]''
:'''Alfred''': We Anglo-finks have a long memory.
:''[Alfred sends Joker screaming back down the Bat-pole.]''
:'''Alfred''': ''[to himself]'' I really shouldn't take pleasure in another creature's misfortunes. But, uh, occasionally, one may be forgiven for a slight twinge of satisfaction.

=== ''Ice Spy'' [2.59] ===
:'''Batman''': In fact, Mr. Wayne is taking Mrs. Harriet Cooper, a devotee of Miss Glaze's, backstage before the performance to meet the dazzling star.
:'''Robin''': While Dick Grayson, I suppose, stays home and works on his essay on glaciers?
:'''Batman''': Right again, Robin.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robin''': ''[to Carpet King]'' You must be that gentleman I've read about. Aren't you a king or something?
:'''Batman''': Robin, England has no king now. England has a queen, and a great lady she is, too.

=== ''The Duo Defy'' [2.60] ===
:'''Robin''': To the batcave?
:'''Batman''': And up the batpoles.
:'''Robin''': The batpoles?
:'''Batman''': Even crimefighters need their sleep, Robin.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robin''': Where'd you get a live fish, Batman?
:'''Batman''': The true crimefighter always carries everything he needs in his utility belt, Robin

== Season 3 ==

=== ''Enter Batgirl, Exit Penguin'' [3.01] ===
:'''Penguin''': I don't know whether to call him &quot;daddy&quot; or just Commissioner.
:''[Batman and Robin arrive]''
:'''Batman''': If I were you, Penguin, I'd call help right now!
:'''Robin''': When we get through with you, Penguin, you'll be hollering &quot;uncle&quot; instead of &quot;daddy&quot;!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robin''': Batman, maybe I should stay home tonight. Homework, you know.
:'''Batman''': I think you should acquire a taste for opera, Robin, as one does for poetry and olives.

=== ''Ring Around the Riddler'' [3.02] ===
:'''Batgirl''': What's up your sleeve this time?
:'''Riddler''': Up my sleeve, Batgirl? Riddle me once: what's most alluring when it's highest or lowest; when it's in the air or in a hole; when it's served you, yet you can't touch it? An enchanting ace!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Riddler''': Riddle me this, Batman: what are the chilliest 12 inches in the world?
:'''Batman''': Cold feet!
:'''Riddler''': Excellent! What suite of cards lays eggs?
:'''Batman''': One that's chicken-hearted. Now listen to this, Riddler, sticks and stones may break my bones...
:'''Riddler''': Now you listen to me, Batman! My line is plugged into radio station GTZR! That means that all of Gotham City...''[giggles]''...has heard you called...''[giggles]''...a coward! ''[giggles full time]''

=== ''The Wail of the Siren'' [3.03] ===
:Batgirl, Batgirl! &lt;br/&gt; Batgirl, Batgirl! &lt;br/&gt; Where do you come from? Where do you go? &lt;br/&gt; What is your scene? Baby, we just gotta know! &lt;br/&gt;  &lt;br/&gt; Batgirl, Batgirl! &lt;br/&gt; Batgirl, Batgirl! &lt;br/&gt; Are you a chick who fell in from outer space, &lt;br/&gt; Or are you real with a tender warm embrace? &lt;br/&gt; Yeah, whose baby are you? &lt;br/&gt; Batgirl, Batgirl! &lt;br/&gt; Batgirl, Batgirl! &lt;br/&gt; Yeah, whose baby are you? &lt;br/&gt; Batgirl! &lt;br/&gt; ~ ''The Batgirl theme song''

=== ''The Sport of Penguins'' [3.04] ===
:''[The Dynamic Duo re-enter the Batmobile and discover that they have been glued to the seats, thanks to Penguin]''
:'''Robin''': Holy mucilage!!
:'''Batman''': Things... are... about... to... get... stickier, Robin.

=== ''A Horse of Another Color'' [3.05] ===
:''[Dick is excited about Waynebow, Bruce's prize-winning stallion.]''
:'''Dick''': Bruce, let me ride Waynebow. I'm light enough.
:'''Bruce''': No, Dick, I couldn't allow my own ward to ride my own thoroughbred. People might think it was funny.

=== ''The Unkindest Tut of All'' [3.06] ===
:'''Batman''': Of course! It's staring us right in our masks, Robin. That quote is on line 769 of Chapter 14, Scroll 32 of the 13th section of the works of Ramses the Bald, one of the many ancient and irreplaceable scrolls at the Gotham City library.
:'''Robin''': How could I have missed that one?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Tut''': Let's make tracks!
:'''Batgirl''': ''[suddenly appearing]'' The only tracks you'll be making are straight to the penitentiary!
:'''King Tut''': Batgirl!?
:'''Batgirl''': In the flesh.
:'''King Tut''': You know, it is against my principles to beat up on a lady, but in your case, I'll make an exception.
:...
:'''King Tut''': Goodbye, Batgirl.
:'''Batgirl''': You're not going anywhere, Tut!
:'''King Tut''': ''[smiling]'' No, but ''you'' are...
:''[Shirley conks Batgirl on the head with the vase]''
:'''King Tut''': ...off to dreamland! For the 2nd time, let's make tracks!
:''[Batman and Robin suddenly appear]''
:'''Batman''': The only tracks you'll be making are straight to the penitentiary!
:'''King Tut''': Some sort of delayed echo in here?

=== ''Louie the Lilac'' [3.07] ===
:'''Bonnie''': Commissioner, there are a bunch of flower children out here to see you.
:'''Gordon''': Flower children? Alright, send them...wait a minute, Bonnie, hold on, hold on a second.
:'''Batman''': We'll go down the window and go down the Batropes. Otherwise, we'll be mobbed.
:'''O'Hara''': Mobbed? In police headquarters?
:'''Robin''': The flower children think we're cool, man, like we turn 'em on, you know.
:'''Batman''': Yes, please be gentle with your visitors, Commissioner. Although it may not be understood by more literal minds, in their own way, they're doing what they can to correct the world's woes with love and flowers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': Go back outside and calm the flower children.
:'''Robin''': They'll mob me!
:'''Batman''': Groovy.

=== ''The Ogg and I'' [3.08] ===
:'''Egghead''': Never mind the pastrami. Chief O'Hara would like to have half a dozen eggs.
:'''Chief O'Hara''': Why you...
:'''Egghead''': Now! One hand on me and you'll never see your dear commissioner again, Chief.
:'''Chief O'Hara''': You win Egghead.
:'''Egghead''': Now how did you say you liked your eggs?

=== ''How to Hatch a Dinosaur'' [3.09] ===
:'''Batman''': Too many Bessarovian Cossacks around here, Robin. If I'd joined you in the fight, some of them may have been injured.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robin''': ''[about Batgirl]'' She's gone again! For once, Batman, let's follow her.
:'''Batman''': No, Robin. With my head sticking out of this neosaurus costume, I might not appear like an ordinary, run of the mill crime fighter.

=== ''Surf's Up! Joker's Under!'' [3.10] ===
:'''Joker''': Then, after I've gotten rid of Batman and Robin for good, I will rule the waves. Me, the Joker, king of the surf and all the surfers. Then, Gotham City! Later, the world!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robin''': ''[noticing Batgirl has gone]'' Oh no, Batgirl's not gone again?!
:'''Barbra Gordon''': I just passed her in the ladies' locker room. Are you alright Skip?
:'''Skip Parker''': I will be... as soon they put me and Joker on that reversearometer and reverse it!

=== ''The Londinium Larcenies'' [3.11] ===
:'''Bruce''': Just because we're traveling, I don't think that Dick should neglect his studies, so we brought along one thousand key works of literature, his biological specimens, and also his own desk.
:'''Dick''': Yes, I expect to study hard.

=== ''The Foggiest Notion'' [3.12] ===
:'''Robin''': Let's go!
:'''Batman''': Not you, Robin. They have strict licensing laws in this country. A boy of your age is not allowed in a drinking tavern.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': You're far from mod, Robin. And many hippies are older than you are.

=== ''The Bloody Tower'' [3.13] ===
:'''Lady Prudence''' ''[as she is being led away in handcuffs]'': Perhaps I should have explained myself to you, Robin. I've been very naughty. I thought that if I could play both sides against one another, I could become ladyship of Ffogg Manor all by myself. But it didn't work.
:'''Robin''': No, Lady Prudence, it didn't. But cheerio.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Superintendent Watson''': Well, I think this calls for a cup of char at venerable Ireland Yard.
:'''Robin''': Char?
:'''Batman''': Yes, Robin, a colloquialism for tea.

=== ''Catwoman's Dressed to Kill'' [3.14] ===
:'''Batgirl''': And you, Catwoman, are an even bigger fool than even I thought you were. We who enforce the law would gladly give our lives for it. Batman won't be here. He'll be at the Belgravian embassy thwarting your nefarious scheme.
:'''Catwoman''': ''[to her henchman]'' Angora. Gag her. Crime fighters are to be seen and not heard.


:'''Catwoman''': Let no one say that Catwoman is not the best-dressed woman in the world.
:'''Batman''': There are no fashion shows where you're going, Catwoman.
:'''Robin''': And how could a feline feloness like you also be a fashion model?
:'''Batman''': Ah-ah. Give credit where credit is due, Robin. She may be evil, but she is attractive. You'll know more about that in a couple of years.
:'''Catwoman''': No hero worth his salt would let a lady expire. It's foolproof I tell you - purrrfectly foolproof.

:'''Batgirl''' And you, Catwoman, are an even bigger fool than I thought you were.

:'''Catwoman''': Angora, gag her! Crimefighters should be seen and not heard.

[to Batgirl, who is the bait to lure the Caped Crusader away from a visiting Queen he is supposed to be guarding] 

:'''Catwoman''': You better pray that Batman is a man-man more than he is a police-man.

:'''Catwoman''': How can Batgirl be the best anything when Catwoman is around?

[small chuckle] 

:'''Catwoman''': No Best Dressed list is complete without the addition of the Queen of Criminals, the Princess of Plunder, yours untruly.

:'''Queen Bess''': Who are you?

:'''Catwoman''': Catwoman!

:'''Queen Bess''':Is she on my list for today's audience?

:'''Queen Bess'''': : No, Your Royal Goodness.

:'''Queen Bess''': Call my social secretary for an appointment...

:'''Catwoman''': [Catwoman sprays the Queen and her attendants with knockout spray]  Sorry, Queenie, but I'm anti-social.

[Catwoman orders Batgirl tied to a garment factory pattern cutter] 

:'''Catwoman''': Yes, my dear, you will make a purrrfect pinafore - the type of garment no one will recognize you in, or as... if you'll pardon a final cutting remark.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''The Ogg Couple'' [3.15] ===
:'''Dick''': ''[reading in the library]'' Gosh, Bruce. That Genghis Khan was quite a guy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': I'm sure they won't find caviar on the menu at Gotham State Prison.
:'''Batman''': Probably not, but they will get a well-balanced diet thanks to Warden Crichton's emphasis on proper nutrition.

=== ''The Funny Feline Felonies'' [3.16] ===
:'''Joker''': Let bygones be bygones. I'd like to shake hands with both of you. Can't we be friends?
:'''Robin''': I'd rather shake hands with a spitting cobra!
:'''Batman''': You're being cynical, Robin. To err is human, to forgive...divine.
:...
:'''Batman''': ''[After being buzzed by Joker while shaking hands]'' Another...practical joke, Joker.
:'''Joker''': Not exactly Batman, it's my deadly joker buzzer, one by one your five senses will leave you. Then your lungs will collapse, and certainly you'll be KAPUT, FINI, DEFUNCT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': What took you so long, Batgirl?
:'''Batgirl''': Rush hour traffic, plus all the lights were against me. And you wouldn't want me to speed, would you?
:'''Robin''': Your good driving habits almost cost us our lives!
:'''Batman''': Rules are rules, Robin. But you do have a point.

=== ''The Joke's on Catwoman'' [3.17] ===
:'''Batman''': Cattail Lane and Nine Lives Alley. The Grimalkin Novelty Company is on that corner.
:'''Robin''': Grimalkin? What kind of a name is that?
:'''Batman''': An obscure but nevertheless acceptable synonym for cat, Robin.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robin''': How about rushing the place, Batman?
:'''Batman''': Shh. I think not, Robin. All they've done so far is stolen a few items, attempted to kill you, me, and Batgirl. No, I think they plan something really big.

=== ''Louie's Lethal Lilac Time'' [3.18] ===

=== ''Nora Clavicle and the Ladies' Crime Club'' [3.19] ===
:'''Nora''': ''[regarding Batgirl]'' Oh yes! I forgot about her. With a woman helping them, the Dynamic Duo could give us some trouble...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nora''': ''[holding a sharp pin to Batgirl's neck]'' Alright girls, let's tie the Terrific Trio - into Terrific Siamese Human Knots.

=== ''Penguin's Clean Sweep'' [3.20] ===
:'''Penguin''': You used a foul trick to murder those innocent fruit flies!
:'''Batman''': You murdered them, Penguin...when you let them out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Penguin snatches Chief O'Hara's pocket watch, but then O'Hara and everyone else gets up after pretending to be asleep]''
:'''Chief O'Hara''': You won't be needin' a watch where you're going!
:'''Penguin''': Wha???
:'''Chief O'Hara''': You'll need a calendar - a 20-''year'' calendar!
:'''Penguin''': This is impossible! You're all infected with Lygerian Sleeping Sickness!
:'''Miss Clean''': Oh, you see that's what happens, Pengy-poo, when you're sending off *flies* to do a *man's* job!
:'''Robin''': That's right, ''Pengy-poo''! We're just sleepwalking!
:'''Batgirl''': What do you say to a little sleep-''fighting'', Robin?
:'''Robin''': Huh! Good idea, Batgirl!

=== ''The Great Escape'' [3.21] ===
:'''Calamity Jan''': ''[After Chief Standing Pat takes a puff from his cigar]'' That's how he talks. He said &quot;It's a honor to meet you and I look forward to working with you.&quot;
:'''Shame''': You got all that with one puff?
:'''Calamity Jan''': He talks in shorthand.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Your lack of coherence is exceeded only by your penchant for gibberish.
:'''Shame''': Why thank you kindly, Fred. That's awful nice of you to say.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Batman an Robin, hoping to rescue a captured Batgirl from Shame, find an unconscious Frontier Fanny instead.]''
:'''Robin''': They've got Batgirl and we've got Fanny.
:'''Batman''': That hardly seems like a fair trade, does it, Robin?

=== ''The Great Train Robbery'' [3.22] ===
:'''Calamity Jan''': Shame, honey, you seen my maw?
:'''Shame''': Yeah, I seen too much'a her lately.
:'''Calamity Jan''': I think we musta left her at the stable with the horses.
:'''Shame''': Well, don't worry, nobody'll notice.
:'''Calamity Jan''': Well, we gotta go back and get her.
:'''Shame''': No can do, lover. By now, she's probably a prisoner of the police. Might as well give her up for gone.
:'''Calamity Jan''': Honey, she's my ''mother'', the only one I got!
:'''Shame''': Yeah, I know.
:'''Calamity Jan''': Aw, don't be like that. I know she's a battleax and an old owl, but she is my flesh and blood.
:'''Shame''': Yeah, I was wondering about that here-didity. What'd your ''father'' look like?
:'''Calamity Jan''': Oh, he was prettier than my maw.
:'''Shame''': Nobody could be uglier.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shame pulls a gun out of his hat and points it at Batman, but Batman kicks it out of his hand.]''
:'''Shame''': No, Batman! I'm sorry! I'd never...never think to...
:'''Batman''': Boo!
:'''Shame''': ''[hysterical, grabs Batman by the leg]'' No, Batman! No!
:'''Batman''': Oh, for shame, Shame! You're not worthy of the name 'Shame'! You're a SHAM, Shame! Don't you EVER grab my tights or pull on my leg again!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shame''': When the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 11, that would be...
:'''Calamity Jan''': Eleven o'clock, Shame honey.
:'''Shame''': Eleven o'clock, Shame honey...doggone it, I know!

=== ''I'll Be a Mummy's Uncle'' [3.23] ===
:'''Batman''': ...it shouldn't take us more than three minutes to run the mile.
:'''Robin''': Gosh, Batman, that's a new world's record.
:'''Batman''': Breaking world's records is just part of crime fighting, Robin.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Tut''': You could jail me for a million years and I wouldn't flinch an inch. Oh, at last, Nirvana is within my grasp.
:'''Commissioner Gordon''': You appear to be quite breezy for a man about to be tucked away.
:'''King Tut''': I know, and so would you if you knew what I know; and if I know you, no doubt you know what I now know. Why waste my time with someone who knows, I have to find someone who doesn't know. ''[to Chief O'Hara]'' Do you know?
:'''Batgirl''': Sounds like The Riddle of the Sphinx.

=== ''The Joker's Flying Saucer'' [3.24] ===
:'''Batman''': It is the duty of every good citizen of Gotham City to report meeting a man from Mars in a public park.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': I wanted to rule the world from Mars! I like the looks of that place!
:''[Batman and Robin suddenly appear]''
:'''Batman''': Yes, I think you'd be more comfortable there at the moment, Joker.

=== ''The Entrancing Dr. Cassandra'' [3.25] ===
:'''Dr. Cassandra''': I intend to succeed where my foremothers failed.
:'''Cabala''': Four mothers?
:'''Dr. Cassandra''': The ancient alchemy bit has been handed down for generations through the females of my family. All abject failures. Nowheres-ville!
:'''Cabala''': Yeah, just like my family. They couldn't wait for the Depression, they went broke during the boom.
:'''Dr. Cassandra''': My great-grandmother discovered how to transmute base metals into gold. But she cut out when she added CH3, CH2, H2, and NO2.
:'''Cabala''': Put them all together, they spell T-N-T.
:'''Dr. Cassandra''': They found pieces of her as far away as Londinium.
:'''Cabala''': Man, that was a trip.
:'''Dr. Cassandra''': Now Grandma perfected a universal solvent, fell in the stuff and was universally dissolved.
:'''Cabala''': Wow.
:'''Dr. Cassandra''': We buried her in a thimble.
:'''Cabala''': Well, how about dear ol' Mommy-O?
:'''Dr. Cassandra''': Ah, dear ol' Mommy-O cashed in when she perfected a perpetual motion machine, tripped... and was ground to bits by it.
:'''Cabala''': Man, you sure come from a long line of winnners, baby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Robin looks at Batgirl.]''
:'''Robin''': You know something, Batman?
:'''Batman''': What's that, Robin?
:'''Robin''': She looks very pretty when she's asleep.
:'''Batman''': I thought you might eventually notice that. That single statement indicates to me the first oncoming thrust of manhood, old chum.

=== ''Minerva, Mayhem and Millionaires'' [3.26] ===
:'''Gordon''': Batman, you unscrambled that safe's combination in three seconds flat! How did you do it?
:'''Batman''': With my Three-Seconds-Flat-Bat-Combination-Unscrambler, Commissioner.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robin''': What happened to Batgirl?!
:'''Batman''': Who knows, Robin? Who ''ever'' knows?
:''[The last original scene of the series]

== Unidentified episode ==
:'''Batman''': That's life, Robin, full of ups and downs. It ill befits any of us to become too confident.

== Catchphrases ==
:'''Alfred''' (whispering into Bruce Wayne's ear): It's the Bat-Phone, sir.
:'''Bruce Wayne/Batman''': To the Batpoles!
:'''Bruce Wayne/Batman''': To the Batcave!
:'''Bruce Wayne/Batman''': To the Batmobile!
:'''Dick Grayson/Robin''': Holy (subject), Batman!
:'''Narrator''': (at end of episode) Tune in tomorrow/next week, same Bat-time, same Bat-channel.

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}''==
[[File:1960s_Batmobile_%28FMC%29.jpg|thumb|200px|It had to be played as though we were [[Atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki|dropping a bomb on Hiroshima]], with that kind of deadly [[seriousness]]. ~ [[Adam West]]]]
* My favorite show when I was a kid was the Adam West Batman. When I watched it as a kid, it was totally real and intense and bad things were happening, but my parents were laughing at it, and I couldn't understand what they thought was so [[funny]]. When I saw it again when I was older, I realized that it was a [[comedy]]. I realized I needed to try to make a show that works both ways. That's a really good challenge to try to pull off. I guess we seem to be doing it. [[Kids]] might not get a lot of the [[jokes]], but they're enjoying the [[action]], and [[adults]] are picking up on the little innuendoes.
** [[w:Craig McCracken|Craig McCracken]] in [http://www.avclub.com/article/the-powerpuff-girls-13665 &quot;The Powerpuff Girls&quot;], Keith Phipps, ''A.V.Club'', (Jun 21, 2000).

* It had to be played as though we were dropping a bomb on Hiroshima, with that kind of deadly seriousness.
** Producer [[w:William Dozier|William Dozier]], as quoted in ''Batman and Psychology: A Dark and Stormy Knight'', by Travis Langley, (May 22, 2012), p.11

== Cast ==
* [[Adam West]] - Bruce Wayne/Batman
* [[Burt Ward]] - Dick Grayson/Robin
* [[w:Alan Napier|Alan Napier]] - Alfred Pennyworth
* [[w:Neil Hamilton (actor)|Neil Hamilton]] - Police Commissioner James Gordon
* [[w:Stafford Repp|Stafford Repp]] - Police Chief O'Hara
* [[w:Madge Blake|Madge Blake]] - Aunt Harriet Cooper (1966-1967)
* [[w:Yvonne Craig|Yvonne Craig]] - Barbara Gordon/Batgirl (1967-1968)
* [[w:William Dozier|William Dozier]] - Narrator
* [[w:Burgess Meredith|Burgess Meredith]] - The Penguin (20 episodes)
* [[w:Cesar Romero|Cesar Romero]] - The Joker (19 episodes)
* [[Julie Newmar]] - Catwoman (13 episodes)
* [[w:David Lewis (American actor)|David Lewis]] - Warden Crichton (10 episodes)
* [[w:Frank Gorshin|Frank Gorshin]] - The Riddler (10 episodes)

== External links ==
*{{wikipedia-inline|Batman (TV series)}}
*{{Commonscat-inline}}
* {{imdb title|id=0059968|title=Batman (1966 TV series)}}
* [http://members.tripod.com/~AdamWest/quips1.htm Batman Quotes]
* [http://batman.giza.net batman.giza.net]

{{Batman}}

[[Category:American comic science fiction TV shows]]
[[Category:Criminal comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Superhero comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Parody TV shows]]
[[Category:Absurdism]]
[[Category:Television programs based on DC Comics]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:ABC shows]]
[[Category:Teletoon Retro shows]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Everwood</title>
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      <id>3147759</id>
      <parentid>3110621</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T20:55:25Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
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'''''[[w:Everwood|Everwood]]''''' (2002–2006) was an American television show, airing on [[w:The WB Television Network|the WB network]], about a widowed brain surgeon from Manhattan who moves his two children to the small mountain town of Everwood, Colorado.

__NOTOC__
&lt;!-- START TABLE OF CONTENTS --&gt;
{| class=&quot;wikitable&quot; style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;
! [[#Season One|Season 1]]
! [[#Season Two|Season 2]]
! [[#Season Three|Season 3]]
! [[#Season Four|Season 4]]
|-
| ''[[#Pilot|Pilot]]''
| ''[[#The Last of Summer|The Last of Summer]]''
| ''[[#For Every Action...|For Every Action...]]''
| ''[[#A Kiss to Build a Dream On|A Kiss to Build a Dream On]]''
|-
| ''[[#The Great Doctor Brown|The Great Doctor Brown]]''
| ''[[#Extra Ordinary|Extra Ordinary]]''
| ''[[#...There is a Reaction|...There is a Reaction]]''
| ''[[#The Next Step|The Next Step]]''
|-
| ''[[#Friendly Fire|Friendly Fire]]''
| ''[[#My Brother's Keeper|My Brother's Keeper]]''
| ''[[#Staking Claim|Staking Claim]]''
| ''[[#Put On A Happy Face|Put On A Happy Face]]''
|-
| ''[[#The Kissing Bridge|The Kissing Bridge]]''
| ''[[#East Meets West|East Meets West]]''
| ''[[#The Birds &amp; the Batteries|The Birds &amp; the Batteries]]''
| ''[[#Pieces of Me|Pieces of Me]]''
|-
| ''[[#Deer God|Deer God]]''
| ''[[#Daddy's Little Girl|Daddy's Little Girl]]''
| ''[[#Sacrifice|Sacrifice]]''
| ''[[#Connect Four|Connect Four]]''
|-
| ''[[#The Doctor is In|The Doctor is In]]''
| ''[[#Blind Faith|Blind Faith]]''
| ''[[#Shoot the Moon|Shoot the Moon]]''
| ''[[#Free Fall|Free Fall]]''
|-
| ''[[#We Hold These Truths|We Hold These Truths]]''
| ''[[#Three Miners From Everwood|Three Miners From Everwood]]''
| ''[[#Best Laid Plans|Best Laid Plans]]''
| ''[[#Pro Choice|Pro Choice]]''
|-
| ''[[#Till Death Do Us Part|Till Death Do Us Part]]''
| ''[[#The Burden of Truth|The Burden of Truth]]''
| ''[[#The Tipping Point|The Tipping Point]]''
| ''[[#So Long, Farewell...|So Long, Farewell...]]''
|-
| ''[[#Turf Wars|Turf Wars]]''
| ''[[#Just Like in the Movies|Just Like in the Movies]]''
| ''[[#The Reflex|The Reflex]]''
| ''[[#Getting to Know You|Getting to Know You]]''
|-
| ''[[#Is There a Doctor in the House?|Is There a Doctor in the House?]]''
| ''[[#Unhappy Holidays|Unhappy Holidays]]''
| ''[[#Need to Know|Need to Know]]''
| ''[[#Ghosts|Ghosts]]''
|-
| ''[[#A Thanksgiving Tale|A Thanksgiving Tale]]''
| ''[[#Family Dynamics|Family Dynamics]]''
| ''[[#Complex Guilt|Complex Guilt]]''
| ''[[#Lost and Found|Lost and Found]]''
|-
| ''[[#Vegetative State|Vegetative State]]''
| ''[[#Controlling Interest|Controlling Interest]]''
| ''[[#Giving Up the Girl|Giving Up the Girl]]''
| ''[[#You're a Good Man, Andy Brown|You're a Good Man, Andy Brown]]''
|-
| ''[[#The Price of Fame|The Price of Fame]]''
| ''[[#Forget Me Not|Forget Me Not]]''
| ''[[#The Perfect Day|The Perfect Day]]''
| ''[[#An Ounce of Prevention|An Ounce of Prevention]]''
|-
| ''[[#Colin the Second|Colin the Second]]''
| ''[[#No Sure Thing|No Sure Thing]]''
| ''[[#Since You've Been Gone|Since You've Been Gone]]''
| ''[[#Across the Lines|Across the Lines]]''
|-
| ''[[#Snow Job|Snow Job]]''
| ''[[#The L Word|The L Word]]''
| ''[[#Surprise|Surprise]]''
| ''[[#The Land of Confusion|The Land of Confusion]]''
|-
| ''[[#My Funny Valentine|My Funny Valentine]]''
| ''[[#Unspoken Truths|Unspoken Truths]]''
| ''[[#A Moment in Manhattan|A Moment in Manhattan]]''
| ''[[#Truth...|Truth...]]''
|-
| ''[[#Everwood, Confidential|Everwood, Confidential]]''
| ''[[#Unfinished Business|Unfinished Business]]''
| ''[[#Fate Accomplis|Fate Accomplis]]''
| ''[[#All The Lonely People|All The Lonely People]]''
|-
| ''[[#The Unveiling|The Unveiling]]''
| ''[[#Last Looks|Last Looks]]''
| ''[[#Fallout|Fallout]]''
| ''[[#Enjoy The Ride|Enjoy The Ride]]''
|-
| ''[[#The Miracle of Everwood|The Miracle of Everwood]]''
| ''[[#Sick|Sick]]''
| ''[[#Acceptance|Acceptance]]''
| ''[[#Reckoning|Reckoning]]''
|-
| ''[[#Moonlight Sonata|Moonlight Sonata]]''
| ''[[#Do or Die|Do or Die]]''
| ''[[#He Who Hesitates|He Who Hesitates]]''
| ''[[#Goodbye Love|Goodbye Love]]''
|-
| ''[[#Episode 20|Episode 20]]''
| ''[[#Your Future Awaits|Your Future Awaits]]''
| ''[[#Oh The Places You'll Go|Oh The Places You'll Go]]''
| ''[[#Foreverwood (1)|Foreverwood (1)]]''
|-
| ''[[#Fear Itself|Fear Itself]]''
| ''[[#The Day Is Done|The Day Is Done]]''
| ''[[#Where the Heart Is|Where the Heart Is]]''
| ''[[#Foreverwood (2)|Foreverwood (2)]]''
|-
| ''[[#Home|Home]]''
| bgcolor=#DDDDDD | '''[[#Cast|Cast]]'''
| colspan=2 bgcolor=#DDDDDD | '''[[#External links|External links]]'''
|}&lt;!-- END TABLE OF CONTENTS --&gt;

== Season One ==
=== ''Pilot'' ===

:'''Ephram''': We're moving where?
:'''Andy''': To Everwood, Colorado.
:'''Delia''': Where's that?
:'''Ephram''':  Colorado, moron. Wh-why, are we moving there?
:'''Andy''': Someone told me about it once. They said it was the most beautiful place they had ever seen. It's on this hill. Or is it a mountain? Or maybe it's on a hill by a mountain. Anyway, I was thinking last night that we should move there. What do you say?
:'''Ephram''': I say that's not even a reason.
:'''Andy''': I know. How great is that? We'll be moving to some place for no reason at all.
:'''Ephram''': That's not great. That's crazy. That's [[w:Harrison Ford|Harrison Ford]] in [[w:The Mosquito Coast|Mosquito Coast]] crazy.
:'''Andy''': You say crazy. I say it might be the sanest thing I've ever done. Now, I want this to be a democratic decision so we're going to put it to vote. Everyone who wants to move...and get their own horse, raise your hand.
:''[Andy has his hand raised and at the horse comment, Delia does too.]''
:'''Andy''': Well, that decides it.
:'''Ephram''': Democratic? You bought her vote.
:'''Andy''': Yeah. That's the American version.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Teen #1''': Hey freak, what's with your hair, man? Did they run out of green at the store?
:'''Teen #2''': Hey you, my friend here asked you a question. Where's your manners?
:'''Ephram''': Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't understand. You see, I don't speak dumb-ass. Since obviously you do, maybe you can translate for me.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Amy''': You were bold out there.
:'''Ephram''': Oh, it was strategy, really.
:'''Amy''': Strategy?
:'''Ephram''': I find it's best when dealing with any unfamiliar bully to strike early with sarcasm. Yeah, it makes them wonder if I have some butt-kicking prowess that they're unable to detect.
:'''Amy''': Wow. You have really thought this out.
:'''Ephram''': Yeah, well, spend as much time in a gym locker as me, you'd have a few theories of your own.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Amy''': What's it like? Having a dad who's famous.
:'''Ephram''': Oh. It's like this: You're eight years old. He misses your birthday party. You wanna cry about it but he's on TV that night for separating the heads of Siamese twins. You're ten. He's not there to see you in the school play. He is however in the New York Times for restoring the vision of a five-year-old kid. I think he was my dad's excuse for missing my elementary school graduation. You know you want to be mad at him. You wanna hate him. But you can't. He's saving lives.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': He said you were crazy. And you know what? News flash, you are. All right, you quit your job, you grow this ugly ass beard, you look like you wear your clothes to bed and you move us to No-wheres-ville U.S.A.! And why? For what reason? Because someone told you it was pretty once!? And if that's not enough, you talk to Mom like she's still here; I've seen you, and Delia has too. What do I have to say for myself?! What do you have to say for yourself?!
:'''Andy''': I can't believe you think my beard is ugly.
:'''Ephram''': Mom would never have done this to us! She never would've moved us here and gone crazy!
:'''Andy''': Don't be so sure of that!
:'''Ephram''': I am sure! All right, I knew her. You didn't know her. We all just tolerated you!
:'''Andy''': Hey, that's pretty good, what else you got?!
:'''Ephram''': I wish you died instead of her!
:'''Andy''': Well, I wish I did too, you little bastard!
:'''Ephram''': I hate you!
:'''Andy''': Well, I hate you right back! Now get in that house!
:'''Ephram''': I'm going for a ride! ''[He grabs his bike]''
:'''Andy''': Oh, yeah?!
:'''Ephram''': Yeah!
:'''Andy''': At some point you're getting in that house!

=== ''The Great Doctor Brown'' ===

:'''Andy''': ''[at Gino Chang's, a combination Chinese/Italian restaurant]'' OK, we'll have one order of the minestrone soup, two orders of the chicken parmesan, one sweet and sour pork and a couple of egg rolls to start.
:'''Ephram''': I'd like to take a moment and point out that this is... hands down the weirdest restaurant we've ever been to. And we're from New York City where we're regularly served by drag queens named Frank.
:'''Delia''': I think it's cool!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harold''': ''[about Ephram]'' Over my dead and decaying corpse you're going to Thaw Fest with that boy!
:'''Amy''': I am not going with him. I'm just meeting him there. And, since when do you care who I go to Thaw Fest with?
:'''Harold''': Since you started asking future parolees to attend with you.
:'''Amy''': You don't know him! This is so unfair.
:'''Harold''': Well in certain parent-child conflicts, fairness is irrelevant.
:'''Amy''': Why is it always the parent that always gets to decide the relevancy of fairness?
:'''Rose''': An excellent question, if I do say so myself.
:'''Harold''': Hello, dear.
:'''Amy''': Mom, Dad is being EXCRUCIATING!
:'''Harold''': Excruciating literally means to feel the pain of crucifixion. While my law may be difficult at times, I think we can both agree that Jesus had it a bit tougher.
:'''Amy''': He didn't live here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': ''[[Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory]]'', excellent choice, Delia.
:'''Ephram''': Don't let her watch it.
:'''Delia''': Be quiet.
:'''Andy''': Am I missing something?
:'''Ephram''': Eight years of raising her. She can't watch that movie, it upsets her.
:'''Delia''': It does not.
:'''Ephram''': Well, that is if you don't count the screaming and nights on my floor.
:'''Andy''': Delia?
:'''Delia''': Well, it used to scare me, but it doesn't anymore.
:'''Ephram''': Ah, that's what she always says. Like a junkie begging for more smack.
:'''Delia''': I'm not a junkie, you're a junkie.
:'''Andy''': Nobody's a junkie in this house.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bright''': How goes it.. Bone-lick?
:'''Amy''': He has to hang with us.
:'''Ephram''': No offense, Amy, but he's really my least favorite thing about you.
:'''Bright''': Yeah? Well, you're really my least favorite thing about you.
:'''Ephram''': Dude, you've really gotta work on the insults.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': So what do people do up here, besides wait for an early demise... and ask really dumb questions
:'''Amy''': Actually I brought you up here to tell you something very important. Grover.
:'''Ephram''': Grover?
:'''Amy''': It's my nickname. I always loved Grover as a kid. I know for most kids, it's all &quot;Winnie the Pooh&quot; or &quot;Hello Kitty&quot;, or occasionally, &quot;Strawberry Shortcake&quot; but, for me, life was about a little blue Muppet named Grover.
:'''Ephram''': Well, Grover was a very underrated Muppet.

=== ''Friendly Fire'' ===

:'''Irv''': ''[About Edna]'' We went steady in the 5th grade. She introduced me to hickies and shoplifting.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Maybe if you weren't scowling all the time people wouldn't feel the need to disinvite you places.
:'''Ephram''': You're right maybe I should take up football and cow tipping and then I could the most popular boy in the school.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%'/&gt;
:'''Delia''': You should be happy you made a friend.
:'''Ephram''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Delia''': It's not easy. Everybody in my class has known each other since the nineties.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': Boy, can I clear a hallway or what?
:'''Amy''': That's Kayla and Paige. They're allergic to anyone who's not at the top-2 popularity percentile.
:'''Ephram''': I'm only 98 percent short.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': My friend Kayla is having a birthday party. Wanna go?
:'''Ephram''': Do you need somebody to play Happy Birthday?
:'''Amy''': Come on... you'll be my guest.
:'''Ephram''': I don't know... me, your friends... lit candles in the same room?

=== ''The Kissing Bridge'' ===

:'''Irv''': ''[voiceover]''  Legend has it this bridge was constructed by a young man and women who lived on opposite sides of the river the two fell in love and constructed the bridge so they could meet in the middle and share what would be their first kiss. From that day on it would be known appropriately as the kissing bridge and if people had just stuck to the kissing Dr. Brown would have been able to avoid one heck of a crisis.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': My dad is going to kill me.
:'''Ephram''': I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him why you went.
:'''Amy''': That's not the way it works at my house.
:'''Ephram''': How does it work?
:'''Amy''': He yells, I apologize, there's a sentencing of some sort, and then I plea bargain with my mother until the sentence gets reduced.
:'''Ephram''': In my house it's more like, I yell, he yells, we both keep yelling, and eventually someone gets tired.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harold''': Did I mention I had only three hours of sleep last night?
:'''Edna''': About a hundred times now. I swear, you yammer on like an old woman. Besides, we're almost there.
:'''Harold''': Almost where? We're in the middle of forest oblivion. If I didn't know you better mother, I'd think you brought me out here to knock me off. On second thought...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': What? What is it? Are you moving us to Zimbabwe or something? What?
:'''Andy''': No no no, it's nothing like that, I'm just thinking about something. It's funny actually. Well it's not so much funny 'ha ha' is... you see... the thing is, I don't know whether or not you've ever had sex.
:'''Ephram''': And you never will.
:'''Andy''': OK then. Good talking to you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': Look, Ephram, I think you're being just a little bit melodramatic, it's not like I'm trying to ruin your life.
:'''Ephram''': You don't have to try, you do it pretty naturally.

=== ''Deer God''  ===

:'''Andy''': What is that out front?
:'''Ephram''': Doe, a deer. A female deer.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Delia''': My mom used to talk to God in a Synagogue. Maybe we could go to one?
:'''Edna''': The nearest Synagogue's two hours away. Maybe we could talk to God someplace local. How about the video store? We can rent ''[[w:The Chosen (film)|The Chosen]]''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': I'm pretty sure the trail follows the creek, but check the map.
:'''Andy''': No, left.
:'''Ephram''': Sure?
:'''Andy''': I used to navigate people's frontal lobes Ephram, I think I can follow directions.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': [to Amy] I haven't made anything for myself here... except you.

=== ''The Doctor is In'' ===

:'''Ephram''': I can't remember the last time someone said no when the great Doctor Brown offered his help, Colin's surgery a done deal.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Doctor Brown is one of the premier brain surgeons in the United States, patients fly halfway around the world for a consultation and we have him--right here and he wants to help us.
:'''Mrs. Hart''': No. No he doesn't. We agreed that Colin should have the surgery and it was Doctor Brown who changed his mind.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Edna''': ''[to Dr. Abbott]'' If you wanna see [Dr. Brown], I gotta have a reason. You could be the Unabomber for all I know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': ''[to Dr. Brown]'' Because the guy I know would give his left nut to rescue a kid in a coma. You know, be the town hero.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harold''': ''[to Dr. Brown]'' You owe it to this kid to perform whatever miracle you've got up your sleeve. You owe it to Colin, and to his parents, and to my brokenhearted daughter, and to the universe or whoever decided that you would be [[Leonardo da Vinci|Leonardo]], and I would be… less remarkable. Hell, you owe it to me.

=== ''We Hold These Truths'' ===

:'''Andy''': ''[[w:Cluedo|Clue]]'' doesn't come in travel size?
:'''Ephram''': One of the world's greater atrocities.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bright''': You know, there's a reason men don't wear ruffles.
:'''Colin''': It's not that bad. If this were 1775, you'd be a total chick magnet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': So, what's he like? Colin.
:'''Nina''': He's a charmer. You know, he's the kind of kid who forgets to mow your lawn for two weeks, then when he finally comes, you end up paying him for three. I think he was All State football. And pretty smart, too.
:'''Ephram''': So he's basically like God.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mole''': Nice truck, Hart. Too bad it's your Daddy's.
:'''Colin''': Whatever, McNally. Like I can't drive this whenever I want.
:'''Mole''': I'm sure you can.
:'''Colin''': Besides your brother there is still the kid who threw up on the DMV guy during his driving test.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Ephram, what are you doing here?
:'''Ephram''': I wanted a [[w:Twix|Twix]].
:'''Amy''': You came a long way.
:'''Ephram''': Well, there's two in a pack, and I only wanted one. I needed someone to share with.
:'''Amy''': I just wanted to touch base with normal for a bit.
:'''Ephram''': You definitely called the wrong person then.

=== ''Till Death Do Us Part'' ===

:'''Harold''': I am sorry. For being such a jerk about the dance class.
:'''Rose''': No you're not. You just don't want me mad at you any longer because it's uncomfortable for you.
:'''Harold''': I'm scared. I don't want to change. I don't want you to change. I like things the way they are.
:'''Rose''': Everyone changes; we can change together.
:'''Harold''': That's not always the case. Look at the Keys. She went one way, he went another; now where's either one of them?
:'''Rose''': We are not the Keys, Harold.
:'''Harold''': Well I'm sure even the Keys didn't think they were the Keys until they... were.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harold''': What respectable practitioner has 15 free hours on his hands?
:'''Andy''': Me.
:'''Harold''': I said ''respectable'' practitioner.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': If he suddenly wakes up tomorrow, are you and I gonna become total strangers?
:'''Amy''': Strangers? Ephram, I've shared more with you in the past few months, than I have with anybody in my whole life.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Andy''': You know, when your mother died, a thousand people said a thousand stupid things to me and I just wanted one of them to give me a reason not to die.

=== ''Turf Wars'' ===

:'''Andy''': Do me a favor, you know how you normally behave?
:'''Ephram''': Distant and miserable?
:'''Andy''': Yeah. Do the opposite.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': You don't know my father-in-law. Not only is he one of New York's premiere transplant surgeons...he's also the best dad who ever lived. He somehow managed to perform over 150 liver transplants a year and never missed a single birthday. Oh, and did I mention my children worship him?
:'''Edna''': He also walks on water?
:'''Andy''': Oh, jogs on it. Does push-ups on it...One handed push-ups.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Delia''': This is the diner. We eat here a lot.
:'''Ruth''': What do you mean, a lot? Doesn't your father cook a meal every once in a while?
:'''Edna''': Only if he's feeling cruel.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': Are you drunk?
:'''Ephram''': Not enough, but hey...we can fix that. Toss me a Heineken!
:'''Andy''': You think this is funny? It's bad enough that you're drunk, and don't think we're not gonna talk about that, but you had to pick this weekend to become a teenager? You haven't been to a party since we've been here and now, all of a sudden, you're getting plastered and arrested? If you wanted to embarrass me in front of your grandparents, you're doing one hell of a job.
:'''Ephram''': Oh, right...I forgot. this is all about you. I got myself arrested, just to make you feel bad about yourself.
:'''Andy''': That's not what I meant, and you know it.
:'''Ephram''': ''[Sarcastically]'' Hey, look at me...I'm super dad. Let's fish and make waffles. I've got news for you, they're not buying it. But don't worry...If you promise to raise my allowance, I'll promise to give you a hug...right in front of Grandpa.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jacob''': Getting what you want is easy.  Knowing what you want -- that's the challenge.

=== ''Is There a Doctor in the House?'' ===

:'''Irv''': ''[voiceover]'' No matter how old you are, it's hard not to get excited when snow starts to fall. Because, so long as it keeps coming, no one can make you go anywhere or do anything. All life's rules are suspended...The best thing about snow, other than snowballs, is that it has an equalizing effect. Snow can take any object or situation and make it pretty just the same. Couldn't care less what's underneath...It's not just that snow makes the world pretty. Snow gives us all a second chance. Snow cleanses. Hiding the sins of all with no prejudices, favor or blame. Everything gets to be pure again. If only for a little while. Which might be all you need.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': Like it or not, you tend to have an effect on my moods.
:'''Amy''': I've seen your moods. That's a lot of pressure.
:...
:'''Ephram''': ''[To Amy]'' It's nothing you do on purpose, but... it's like when you're nice to me, there's nothing I can't do. And when you're mad at me, it's all I can think about, you know? Then you say things like: 'maybe you should move on' and it sticks with me for a little while, you know? You're in my head.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': You had a phone call from New York. You know someone named Skuz?
:'''Ephram''': He was only over at our house every day.
:'''Andy''': Well, Rachel Laquer is having a mondo roof top party before winter term. And let me see if I got this right: 'she's totally hot for you're ass'.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': I got in a fight with Colin, and he ended up in a coma. I bitched at Bright, and his appendix ruptured. I sort of needlessly bit your head off the other day and haven't apologized yet and I don't want you to end up in the hospital before you go. Call me superstitious, but...
:'''Ephram''': You have got to be without a doubt the strangest girl I have ever met.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': Remember last week it was really cold. You tried on some of your old sweaters.
:'''Delia''': I got too big for them.
:'''Ephram''': Yeah.
:'''Delia''': I couldn't move my arms.
:'''Ephram''': That's kind of how I feel about Everwood. Make sense?
:'''Delia''': I think so, except you're not too big; you fit here.

=== ''A Thanksgiving Tale'' ===

:'''Bright''': ''[about Dr. Abbott being nice to everyone]'' Mom what's dad doing?
:'''Rose''': He's having a mid-life crisis dear.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harold''': Mother, I want to ask you and Irv if you would do me the honor of joining us for a Thanksgiving meal?
:'''Edna''': Come again?
:'''Harold''': It would mean the world to Rose and the kids and of course, myself.
:'''Edna''': Is this one of those hidden camera shows?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Edna''': ''[about Harold]'' Well, I guess it finally fell out.
:'''Irv''': What?
:'''Edna''': That stick up his ass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': You're going to have to stop doing that, you know.
:'''Amy''': What?
:'''Ephram''': Saying stuff that makes me want to kiss you.
:'''Amy''': You too.
:''[they kiss]''

=== ''Vegetative State'' ===

:'''Nina''': I hear you're working narcotics, Detective Friday.
:'''Andy''': You know, the speed at which news travels around here defies the space-time continuum.
:'''Nina''': Well, I'm friends with Irma's daughter, Lily, and she is freaking out.
:'''Andy''': Well, I would be too if I found out my mother was growing more weed than Cheech and Chong combined.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': ''[seeing Andy standing in his bedroom doorway]'' Why are you doing that lingering thing you do?
:'''Andy''': Well, I don't want to force a conversation.
:'''Ephram''': That'd be a first.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': You know, you may need to be there for Amy.
:'''Ephram''': Well, Amy and I aren't exactly talking much.
:'''Andy''': Really? When did that happen?
:'''Ephram''': A while ago.
:'''Andy''': How'd I miss that?
:'''Ephram''': You were busy being clueless.
:'''Andy''': That's my job. So what happened? Did you two kiss or something? ''[Ephram gives him a startled look]'' I'm not ''that'' clueless.
:'''Ephram''': I don't know what happened. One day she's kissing me, then I make the mistake in giving her this stupid mix CD and now its like I'm the Okumo and she's Shiva the Destroyer. ''[Andy looks at him, puzzled]'' Manga reference.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nina''': ''[about her son]'' How was he?
:'''Andy''': Well, I'd say he was a little angel, but there were too many witnesses.
:'''Nina''': Oh boy!
:'''Andy''': Well, I learned how to make a cape, how to unclog a toilet and how to remove a chewy cookie from a VCR.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': How come you're so smart?
:'''Ephram''': I'm not, believe me. If I was, I'd be wearing a warmer jacket right now… and I wouldn't be telling you to go back to your boyfriend.

=== ''The Price of Fame'' ===

:'''Bright''': I've always been fond of you. I'm just, you know…shy.
:'''Ephram''': Name one thing you like about me.
:'''Bright''': One thing, how ‘bout a thousand. You're sensitive. You're extremely clean…

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Colin''': Bright told me about you.
:'''Ephram''': Look, I don't know what Bright told you but he's running on empty as far as brain cells are concerned.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': ''[about Colin]'' You two friends now?
:'''Ephram''': Kind of. It turns out we have some things in common.
:'''Andy''': You mean Amy?
:'''Ephram''': Surprisingly, it has nothing to do with Amy.
:'''Andy''': So, why aren't you sitting with him?
:'''Ephram''': Because of Amy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': What's going on between you and Colin. I mean...why are you being all buddy-buddy with him?
:'''Ephram''': I'm not being buddy-buddy with anyone, alright. He approached me.
:'''Amy''': He did!. . .I mean, he did? Why?
:'''Ephram''': I don't know. Maybe he thinks I'm pretty.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wendell''': Dude, what are you doing? The popular table beckons.
:'''Ephram''': So?
:'''Wendell''': So? You can't say no. That's like saying no to free comics. Or saying no to making out with [[w:Gwyneth Paltrow|Gwyneth Paltrow]]. Such things just aren't done.

=== ''Colin the Second'' ===

:'''Andy''': When will you be home?
:'''Ephram''': Usual time. Unless the schoolyard pusher has some good stuff.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': Why can't you go look for him?
:'''Bright''': Because I'm on the team.
:'''Ephram''': Is that what they call this wooden plank?
:'''Bright''': Look just go find him, nutsack.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harold''': Carl used to be Everwood's version of Tom Cruise. I suppose that appeals to a certain woman, you know the type. Rugged...athletic...young.
:'''Andy''': Why don't you ask him out, Harold?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': ''[At the basketball game]'' Why is the Abbott kid waving at you?
:'''Ephram''': I don't know. Probably needs help counting the points.

=== ''Snow Job'' ===

:'''Andy''': Are you dilated yet?
:'''Rev. Keyes''': I'm not sure, but everything has a rainbow halo around it. You look like Jesus.
:'''Andy''': I get that a lot.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gemma''': I like hanging out with your brother. He doesn't have a lot of facial hair so I can kiss him for a long time without breaking out.
:'''Amy''': Yeah I saw.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bright''': ''[about the ski trip]'' I gotta go! It's...it's a church thing...to cleanse my soul.
:'''Harold''': Oh please! I delivered a baby that was the product of last year's bacchanal. It's just an excuse for your friends to drink and exchange hickeys. It does more damage to the Catholic church's reputation than the crusades.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': I didn't know you were going on the ski trip.
:'''Bright''': Well Gemma's goin'. And I go where the booty goes ''[Imitates whip cracking]''
:'''Amy''': Later in my life, when I am in therapy you'll be able to take most of the credit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Colin''': Where do you think Bright and Gemma are?
:'''Amy''': Probably groping each other somewhere on a gondola.

=== ''My Funny Valentine'' ===

:'''Andy''': ''[in a letter to Julia]'' Dear Valentine, come away with me. If I had a day with you and you only, I would enjoy the simple things. The things that, in the end, when time steals the rest away, are the only things we'll remember. I would paddle you across a still lake in a rowboat and read poetry to you until you fall asleep and I would never think about the hours. Dear Valentine, if I had one day with you and you only... I would admire every line of your face, every strand of your hair... Every graceful movement of your hands or your eyes or your body. If I had one perfect day... Don't you see? My heart beats only for you. Dear Valentine, these are the things I remember of my love. A warm hand, a warm breath. Your warm mouth. Your arms around mine... I remember feeling safe, cease-less. Like one person. The two of us still, at rest, entwined... I remember how I felt the first time I kissed you. It felt like the high dive. What do you remember? How will I ever know what was inside your heart? Where did they go? All the things we think and feel but don't say. Dear Valentine... These are the things I never told you. These are the things I need you to know. That I loved you always. And my love was so big, it lives still after you're gone. I'd like to tell you that I would do it differently. That if I had one more day I would do everything right. But I know that isn't true. I'd make all the same mistakes. That is except one. I wouldn't say goodbye.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Laynie''': Okay, I challenge you. To an &quot;I Hate Everwood&quot; contest. I'll go first. I hate the fact that the egg rolls at Gino Chang's smell like lasagna.
:'''Ephram''': I hate that everything here is a 'fest'. Thaw Fest, Fly Fest, Pie Fest. What does that all mean? And what's so festive about catching some fish or watching some guy melt?
:'''Laynie''': I hate that they call it 'Main' Street. It's the only street in town. They should just call it 'Street'.
:'''Ephram''': Do you have a subway map of another city covering one wall of your room?
:'''Laynie''': Do you choose colleges based on how far they are from here?
:'''Ephram''': Have you ever had a dream that you were trapped underground in a sewer full of mice and woke up disappointed to discover that you were still in Everwood?
:'''Laynie''': Do you have a packed bag and a plane ticket in your room?
:'''Ephram''': C'mon.
:'''Laynie''': If you don't believe me I'll show it to you.
:'''Ephram''': No, I believe you. I still have the bag packed...I just haven't bought the ticket yet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Ephram? What are you doing here.
:'''Laynie''': I found him after school at the post office hanging around the outbound mail box. I think someone was trying to return him.
:'''Ephram''': I wish.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Laynie's cool, isn't she?
:'''Ephram''': Huh?
:'''Amy''': Laynie. The two of you looked like you were getting along the other day. That's... that's so great.
:'''Ephram''': Well, I'm glad you approve. Why are you so interested in me and Laynie anyway?
:'''Amy''': I don't know. She's my friend... you're my friend.
:'''Ephram''': Well, we did receive mail together. To which I went back to her place where I believe we shared a beverage or two. At which point I obviously felt it was time to ask for her hand in marriage.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': What is it you like about him?
:'''Laynie''': He's that guy that you'd want to hang out with even if you weren't dating him, and he's cute in that kinda way that's sorta like... you know in the movies that guy you want the girl to end up with that everybody pretends isn't cute, but really is.

=== ''Everwood, Confidential'' ===

:'''Laynie''': Nightmare, isn't it?
:'''Ephram''': What's going on, except my exact version of 'hell on earth'?
:'''Laynie''': Spoils of war. The result of a commercially financed assault against the unattached individual.
:'''Ephram''': Valentine's Day?
:'''Laynie''': Week after is always the hardest. These newbie couples have the lifespan of a monarch butterfly. By Friday, the halls will be littered with their crispy corpses.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Laynie''': Okay, number one... how'd you get us in here. Two, how did you find this place. And three... how'd you get us in here?
:'''Ephram''': I have connections.
:'''Laynie''': Mob ties?
:'''Ephram''': I'm all kinds of dangerous.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Laynie''': I don't know how to break this to you...
:'''Ephram''': You're married?
:'''Laynie''': No.
:'''Ephram''': You're leaving the country?
:'''Laynie''': &quot;Stop!
:'''Ephram''': You're marrying Bright, then leaving the country?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Matt''': So, where's this date taking place?
:'''Ephram''': I don't know. I'm still working on it.
:'''Matt''': Okay, not a problem. So what are your options?
:'''Ephram''': I live in Everwood. Its either the $1.50 movie theater or the $3.00 movie theater, both of which are currently playing Lilo and Stitch.
:'''Matt''': Ever hear of ''Ezekiel's''?
:'''Ephram''': No, but it sounds religious which doesn't exactly spell out 'action' in my mind.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Laynie''': You looked so uncomfortable the other day. Like I embarrassed you or something.
:'''Ephram''': Look, I'm gonna mess up because that's just what I do. But at least give me a chance to mess up. I mean, I'm capable of such stupidity that you'd be wasting my talent by ending this now.

=== ''The Unveiling'' ===

:''[flashback]''
:'''Ephram''': ''[about Dr. Brown]'' Why don't you just leave him? We don't need him, he-he doesn't do anything. We could move away from here. I could help take care of Delia.
:'''Julia''': We do need him. I need him, Ephram. I know you don't understand but I love your father very much. I couldn't imagine my life without him. And I'm telling you, this family wouldn't work without him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harold''': I was worried about your friend.
:'''Amy''': My boyfriend! Boy-friend!! God, I can't believe I didn't see this sooner! It's so obvious what you're doing.
:'''Harold''': Wh-what are you talking about?
:'''Amy''': Oh please, you're trying to keep Colin and me apart. You're not worried about Colin's health. The only thing you're worried about is that I might be growing up too fast and you don't like it. Well, that's just too damn bad! Isn't it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harold''': It's an impossible predicament. I mean, they don't want us to treat them like children but then when you try to talk to them like an adult, they act like...
:'''Andy''': Teenagers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harold''': My child won't talk to me anymore. Apparently, I've broken a sacred trust by simply voicing an honest concern.
:'''Andy''': If it makes you feel any better, Ephram's not talking to me right now, either.
:'''Harold''': Big deal. He never talks to you. You're used to it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': You know, I've been angry at you. I've been hating you for a long time now. And I was wrong. You never deserved to be treated that way. Sorry.
:'''Andy''': You know you don't need to apologize, Ephram. I failed you as a father for 15 years. I was never there for you or your mother. That's why sometimes you feel like throwing me off a cliff and that's why your mother did what she did. And I don't blame either of you for it.

=== ''The Miracle of Everwood'' ===

:'''Irv''': ''[voiceover]'' Forget for a minute what the real world looks like, forget what you know, sometimes you need to believe in what isn't exactly there. A daydream of better nights. A storybook fantasy where life is ordered and consistent and tales get awfully exciting before they wrap up nicely for all involved. Who are we to enforce reality? After all, you never know when the good angel of fortune might bring a page from your book to life and throw a kind of miracle your way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PE teacher''': Late again, Brown.
:'''Ephram''': I got stuck in lab. Still working on my study of why playing sports makes you call people by their last name.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Delia''': You have to stop following me around, Arnie.
:'''Arnie''': I can't. I decided. You're my girlfriend.
:'''Delia''': I am not.
:'''Arnie''': I decided.
:'''Delia''': Do I have to do anything? ''[Arnie shakes his head no]'' Okay, but only if you do everything I tell you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': Some magazine is sending a guy to interview me.
:'''Harold''': I wouldn't get too excited. It's hardly rare for some local birdcage liner to want to fill the space between the Friday crossword and the tuna frittata recipe with whatever profile they can muster. So what rag is selling ad space on your dime?
:'''Andy''': ''New York Magazine''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': ''[to Amy]'' Let me guess: Colin told you I might try to tell you that he was still sick so you'd doubt him? ''[Amy nods]'' Everyone thinks I'm a lot dumber than I am. Why is that? Do I dress dumb?

=== ''Moonlight Sonata'' ===

:'''Irv''': ''[voiceover]'' Throughout the centuries mankind has been fascinated by the nighttime sky, ancient people believed that the heavens were moved by a pantheon of gods while others thought that the stars were diamonds hanging just out of reach with all the advances of technology of late, modern science offers more opportunities than ever to unravel the mysteries of the night sky. And yet it seems the closer we get to the stars, the less we actually understand them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Edna''': ''[to Amy]'' I'm not trying to choose your boyfriends Amy. I'm just trying to keep you from losing too much of yourself while you figure it all out… There's a very fine line between devotion and obsession.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kate''': Oh, you think I'm naïve.
:'''Ephram''': If you can't figure out why 28 year-old guys date high school girls, I can't help you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bright''': How do you know all this stuff, Miss Honors Science?
:'''Amy''': God had to do something with the other half of your brain.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Dowd''': ''[to Andy]'' We're just like normal folks. Just got more chainsaws, that's all.

=== ''Episode 20'' ===

:'''Amy''': Is this seat taken?
:'''Ephram''': I'm afraid you can't sit here. This is a very exclusive outcast table. You have to have a special pass.
:'''Amy''': I think I have one.
:'''Ephram''': Well, there have been a lot of fakes going around. Who gave you yours?
:'''Amy''': Colin Hart.
:'''Ephram''': Ah, you're probably okay then.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': I've chosen you over Ephram about a thousand times, Colin. I've chosen you over everyone else. Already there are all of these people in my life that I care about that I've just treated badly or stepped all over because all I cared about was you. But, they stuck by me. Ephram stuck by me. He sent me back to you when I was discouraged about us, about you never remembering me or caring. He told me to keep going. You're right Colin. I was wrong to be mad at you. It's me I should be mad at for not being a better friend to Ephram because he hasn't just been a good friend to me. He's been a good friend to us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Edna''': Oh, it seems to be the way things always go in this community. Men make the mess and the women clean it up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bright''': Ephram, hey. You know the Spring Formal coming up?
:'''Ephram''': It's kinda hard to miss.
:'''Bright''': Do you wanna go?
:'''Ephram''': With you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kate''': I always thought I was old for my age. I don't want to be this old.

=== ''Fear Itself'' ===

:'''Irv''': ''[voiceover]'' They say that patience is a virtue, that good things come to those who wait. Of course, they also say, he who hesitates is lost. Unfortunately sometimes what looks like patience on the outside is really fear underneath like so much sheep's clothing wrapped around a very clever wolf.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nina''': ''[on the phone]'' Hello... hello. Stop calling here. Look, I know who this is and don't ever call him again. Do you hear me? He told me all about you. What you had is over. He's home with his family, with his son, with me. He loves me. Do you understand?
:'''Man's voice''': I'm sorry. Tell him I'm sorry.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Colin''': I can't ask you to stay with me, Amy. Not again. You've been through this before, and I know how much it hurt you. I don't even know what's gonna happen now. I'm not getting better, Amy, and I might get worse. You don't want to deal with that again.
:'''Amy''': How do you know what I want?
:'''Colin''': Look, I know you wouldn't leave, if I asked you to stay. You're too good of a person.
:'''Amy''': Are you kidding me? Colin, I didn't go to that hospital every day because I thought you missed me. I went because I missed you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harold''': I could talk to him, if you'd like. Dr. Brown. I wouldn't enjoy it, mind you, but I could do that for you, if you'd like.
:'''Amy''': I wish I would have told someone when I knew he was getting this sick. I never should have pretended that I didn't see it. I don't know why I did that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': My dad used to say there's a thin line between fishing and sitting in a boat getting drunk.
:'''Irv''': It's a fine line to straddle.

=== ''Home'' ===

:'''Irv''': ''[voiceover]'' I wasn't there the day Colin Hart's life changed forever, but you could feel the earth shake a little from quite a ways off... at the end of it, the young boy and all who loved him would never be the same. In an opposite corner of the world another man's tragedy kept time with Colin Hart's... Andy Brown did what any man would do who felt he had lost everything, he disappeared. He fell apart, lost his center, lost his way... the girl took her chance when she saw it. She begged the doctor's son to help her in her cause, and he did because he loved her and could refuse her nothing. And so it came to pass that one man's tragedy and one boy's loss met... and the boy was saved, and the man was saved, at least for a time... although Colin had cheated death, a little death had crept inside. He was not whole. He was not himself. His own changed face frightened him. He pushed those he cared for far away. The good doctor believed that this boy could still be saved, and that he was the one who could save him, but the boy hadn't decided if life was worth dying for. The choice was all his own...
:'''Colin''': What can you promise me?
:'''Andy''': Nothing.
:'''Colin''': Okay, I'm in.
:'''Irv''': ''[voiceover]'' This is the story of Colin Hart and Andy Brown. It's the story of a town that lost its center and strove to regain it. This is the story of Everwood.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': Do you remember that girl in the dean's office I was trying to sweet talk into getting me out of Douglas's rotation? Well on our first date she gets in my car and she makes a face like she just sat on a cat. Then she drags me here, puts in me in her Volvo, points to the stick shift and says, 'No self-respecting surgeon should be allowed to drive an automatic.' It was around then I decided I wanted a second date.
:'''Ephram''': Didn't Mom drive a Volvo?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harold''': Is this Colin's idea of pre-operatative preparation? Corrupting other youths into committing vandalism?
:'''Amy''': Uhm, I don't know what you just said...but we're not going to graffiti anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Colin''': I know you think it's your fault.
:'''Bright''': Well, that's like, cause it is.
:'''Colin''': Listen... the thing is. Ya know, I remember the inflatable swimming pool you had in your front lawn. Ya know, and the frog that we got from the pet store and we killed because we thought he'd like the washing machine.
:'''Bright''': Sparky.
:'''Colin''': And the first time I slept over at your house... You're it man. You're my best friend. Whatever it was that happened that night. It's all good between us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': I thought you'd be in New York already.
:'''Ephram''': I think I'm gonna skip New York this year. I mean, it's the worst time to go anyway.
:'''Amy''': Really? I didn't know that.
:'''Ephram''': Yeah, it's super humid. Maybe for Christmas.
:'''Amy''': Yea, it'd probably be nice to be home for the holidays.
:'''Ephram''': Yea, maybe, but...
:'''Amy''': But what?
:'''Ephram''': I am home.

== Season Two ==
=== ''The Last of Summer'' ===

:'''Irv''': ''[voiceover]'' It's hard to say what happened exactly. For the most part it depends on who you ask. There are as many sides to a story as there are pairs of eyes. It's always been that way; one of those sides must be closer to the truth, but we'll never know which one. I try even now to look back at that time, look past the blame and outrage that made it all so hard to see anything. I try to piece it together; what follows is all I know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': I should've called you Laynie.
:'''Laynie''': It wasn't your decision.
:'''Amy''': No, you, you should've been there.
:'''Laynie''': Some days I'm really mad about it. Sometimes, you know, I'm glad I wasn't there. I got a whole extra day to feel normal again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Irv''': ''[voiceover]'' The funeral for Colin Hart fell on the first warm day of spring. For many who attended, it was the most difficult day they had ever known. But the day was kind enough to pass. I'd like to say it took a while for Everwood to return to business as usual, but it didn't. Bright and Amy went back to their usual summer jobs; Ephram joined them, though his duties were a little less glamorous.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': ''[about Dr. Brown]'' I wish he wasn't your father, Ephram. I wish I didn't have to think of him every time I talked to you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Irv''': ''[voiceover]'' Sometimes it is only with the ending of a season that a storyteller can find the most appropriate ending to his tale. As the last hours of summer crept up on Everwood, it seemed everybody was just about ready for a change. A fresh start, filled with new adventures and new friends, and some old ones, and those somewhere in between. For if death reminds us of anything, it reminds us of just how resilient the human spirit is... when it wants to be. [edit]

=== ''Extra Ordinary'' ===

:'''Bright''': Who is that?
:'''Page''': Stacy Wilson. It's kinda hard to tell since...
:'''Laynie''': Since the hooter fairy paid her a visit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Too bad you only recognize her now that she's stacked.
:'''Bright''': It's not my fault I'm shallow. It's how God made me. Blame him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Delia''': Dad, can I wear this shirt?
:'''Andy''': Sure. Why not?
:'''Delia''': I can't remember if I wore it yesterday.
:'''Andy''': I don't think it matters in fourth grade, honey.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': I guess that's the one advantage of having a father who has no idea what's going on. He's too clueless to become one of the pod-parents.
:'''Andy''': Ephram! Hey Ephram! Come on down -- Duke's giving away frisbees.
:'''Ephram''': Oh God. He's become one of them.
:'''Amy''': Welcome.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harold''': Ask any parent and they'll tell you their child is incredibly brilliant. One in a million of those parents might be right. Just try telling that to the other couple hundred thousand.
:'''Andy''': ''[After his cellphone rings to the I Dream of Jeanie theme]'' You know, that ring takes all the authority out of what you just said.

=== ''My Brother's Keeper'' ===

:'''Ephram''': What do you want?
:'''Bright''': Nothing, just to enjoy your company. You want my pudding?
:'''Ephram''': Alright, what's the favor Bright?
:'''Bright''': What are you talking about, what favor? Ok, it's about Amy.
:'''Ephram''': No.
:'''Bright''': You don't even know what I was going to ask.
:'''Ephram''': It doesn't matter, the answer's no.
:'''Bright''': Why?
:'''Ephram''': Because whatever is going on with your sister is your business, not mine. Whenever I try to make it my business, she gets mad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bright''': Keep an eye on her. Not all the time. Just... when you're not busy being a loner geek with weird t-shirts.
:'''Ephram''': You want me to stalk your sister?
:'''Bright''': You already do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bright''': ''[To Ephram]'' So you know what I was thinking... If there's all these college guys who are like totally hitting on high school girls, then there's probably a whole surplus of neglected college girls who want to hit on high school guys.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': That was fatherly advice, wasn't it?
:'''Ephram''': Not bad.
:'''Andy''': See, I really am getting better.
:'''Ephram''': Hey, Dad. One more thing... can I go to a frat party tonight?
:'''Andy''': A frat party?
:'''Ephram''': Yes, there's going to be drinking, drugs, unprotected sex. I'll probably be the youngest person there. Besides, I don't want to go. I have to.
:'''Andy''': Why?
:'''Ephram''': Because you just said that if I know something, I have to do something about it.
:'''Andy''': And so having said that, I'm all but forced to let you go to a party I never would have agreed to prior. Maybe ''you're'' getting better at this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Irv''': This thing you're doing with the stove. I don't understand.
:'''Edna''': I'm cooking for my children. Get over yourself.
:'''Irv''': But you don't cook. You don't even reheat.

=== ''East Meets West'' ===

:'''Madison''': Oh cool, my brother reads comic books too.
:'''Ephram''': Oh, actually they're not comic books. It's Manga. Big difference.
:'''Madison''': Anyway, he collects the dolls and all that stuff. Spiderman, The Hulk, he loves Samson Storm from X-men. He's 12, it's really cute. Do you have any?
:'''Ephram''': No, no dolls.
:'''Delia''': Yes you do, you have that guy with the red hair that you won't let me play with.
:'''Ephram''': That's not a doll, Delia. That's a collectible.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nina''': ''[about Madison]'' Who was that?
:'''Ephram''': Oh you mean Satan? That's Delia's new babysitter. I basically hate her.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': I think I am a pretty good judge of people.
:'''Ephram''': Yeah? Like that maid you hired back in Manhattan that stole all the silverware?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Madison''': Your dad says you have something to say to me.
:'''Ephram''': I apologize... Madison.
:'''Madison''': Wow, thank you Ephram. That was very manly, have a carrot stick.
:''[puts carrot stick in his mouth]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': ''[reading his essay]'' The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm not sure who the first person was who said that. Probably [[Shakespeare]]. Or maybe [[w:Sting (musician)|Sting]]. But at the moment, it's the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw: my inability to change. I don't think I'm alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still... it feels safer somehow. And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected... who knows what other pain might be out there, waiting for you. Chances are it could be even worse.&lt;p&gt;So you maintain the status quo. Choose the road already traveled and it doesn't seem that bad. Not as far as flaws go. You're not a drug addict. You're not killing anyone... except maybe yourself a little.&lt;p&gt;When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion, where all of a sudden we're like this different person. I think it's smaller than that. The kind of thing most people wouldn't even notice unless they looked at us really close. Which, thank God, they never do.&lt;p&gt;But you notice it. Inside you that change feels like a world of difference. And you hope this is it. This is the person you get to be forever... that you'll never have to change again.

=== ''Daddy's Little Girl'' ===

:'''Irv''': ''[voiceover]'' They say that from the instant he lays eyes on her, a father adores his daughter. Whomever she grows up to be, she is always to him that little girl in pigtails. She makes him feel like Christmas. In exchange, he makes a secret promise not to see the awkwardness of her teenage years, the mistakes she makes, or the secrets she keeps.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': ''[To Delia]'' I still think picking a hero is overrated. You pick one, you admire them, a week later, they've been arrested.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': So I hear you stick people with needles. Sounds like fun.
:'''Linda''': It can be, especially when they're annoying.
:'''Ephram''': Oh, so you must really like working with my dad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': You were right, I was wrong.
:'''Linda''': It must have caused you some physical pain for you to utter that sentence.
:'''Andy''': Just some internal bleeding.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Delia''': My hero was born on April 29, 1958, in Wilton, Connecticut. She wore pearl earrings almost every day and wouldn't take them off, even in the shower. She was tall and beautiful and funny and her name was Julia Brown. A year and a half ago, she died, but before that happened, she did a lot of amazing things. I'd like to tell you about some of them today.

=== ''Blind Faith'' ===

:'''Reverend Keyes''': God isn't meant to be understood intellectually. Sometimes he's absent on purpose. He wants us to doubt, it makes us stronger. It opens other doors. And as for tragedy, I'm not dieing you know. I've experienced more with my senses in these past 18 months than I have in my entire life. I can feel Katherine. I can touch her. I can smell her and I can hear every tiny wonderful sound she makes and I love her just the same. Maybe more.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': Ya know, I don't know why they call it a driving test. All they really care about is parking.
:'''Madison''': Well I wouldn't worry about it. Lots of guys ride their bikes to junior prom. Maybe your date can sit on the handlebars.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Well I went out with Ephram but it got kinda weird.
:'''Bright''': You guys finally hooked up?
:'''Amy''': What?! No. Why would you say something like that?
:'''Bright''': I dunno. Maybe because he's mad in love with you and has been for over the past year.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bright''': Guys have pride. And he's not gonna sit around playing mind-games with you forever. Soon he's gonna get tired of that, and he's gonna move on.
:'''Amy''': I'm just not ready for all the boyfriend-girlfriend stuff and I know with Ephram there'd be no in between.
:'''Bright''': Maybe not, but you could do a lot worse. People give me crap all the time for hanging out with Ephram. But I dunno, he's just like...
:'''Amy''': Funny.
:'''Bright''': Yea! The other day, he's telling me the story about how he's driving a stick for the first time right, and he's like stuck on a hill. Eckleman says: Well what gear were you in? and he says: My jeans and my t-shirt. ''[they laugh]'' I didn't even get it at first... and he's also gonna be pulling in some serious jack with his music one day... damn, maybe ''I'' should ask him out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': You were right Ephram, about everything. I have taken you for granted. But hey, you're a better person than I am. Everybody else sees it, I don't know why you don't. As if you didn't know this already, I'm kinda a giant mess right now. I have been ever since you've known me. I might have been more normal in Junior High, I don't know. The point is, you deserve someone great, Ephram, amazing even. Someone a little less like me and a little more like you.
:'''Ephram''': For an apology, that sounded an awful lot like a breakup.
:'''Amy''': I'm sorry I wasted your time and it would kill me to think I wasted any more of it. I want you to promise me something.
:'''Ephram''': Amy.
:'''Amy''': Promise me that you won't let me and you get in the way of you and somebody else.
:'''Ephram''': ''[after a long pause]'' I promise.

=== ''Three Miners From Everwood'' ===

:'''Irv''': ''[voiceover]'' The town of Everwood was built around a silver mine opened in 1857. In 1929, like much of America, the mine closed and a lot of families learned what it meant to go without. It wasn't until another 10 years later that someone started snooping around another part of the mountain and found a kingdom's worth of coal waiting to be unraveled. The mines reopened and that many people didn't have to go hungry anymore. From silver to coal, just like that. A good example of how something you never considered before can become your whole focus and blazing new relief all of a sudden.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bright''': I can do this... if you'll help me. If there's any chance you're still available for help.
:'''Chris''': If you'll tell me the one person you'd like to have dinner with and why.
:'''Bright''': I don't know.
:'''Chris''': Think about it. Who's somebody you have questions for? Who do you talk to in your head?
:'''Bright''': I... I talk to Colin sometimes.
:'''Chris''': What do you say?
:'''Bright''': I just... I tell him how much more fun things were when he was here. I tell him I'm a mess, and I've pretty much screwed up all the plans that we ever had. And I wonder what he would do if he was me, 'cause, man, he could handle anything. He was, like, fearless. I... I'd tell him I miss him.
:'''Chris''': Good. That's your essay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harold''': Oh, my back hurts, my feet hurt, my clothes hurt. Starting tomorrow, I'm giving up fossil fuels.
:'''Linda''': Ohh! That was some pretty strong work today, Harry.
:'''Dr. Abbott''': Oh, thanks. Didn't do so bad yourself, using your hoodoo powers of suggestion to bamboozle that poor woman out of her pain.
:'''Linda''': I am way too tired to take that as anything but a compliment.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Irv''': ''[voiceover]'' When it's going right, life changes minute to minute. On a random Tuesday in 1939, coal unexpectedly became important to the entire town of Everwood. On another day some 75 years later, it was a lighthouse suddenly on everyone's mind.

=== ''The Burden of Truth'' ===

:'''Irv''': ''[voiceover]'' There are moments in life so archetypal, that there's only one proper response, one right thing to say. But as humans, each with our own idiosyncrasies, preferences, and perceptions, we may not always have the response that the universe or, say, our parents want or expect us to have. It is at moments such as these that we realize that the truth has a distinct cost that cant be bargained down. And in these moments we must choose whether to pay the price.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Madison''': God, Ephram, you don't even know me.
:'''Ephram''': I might not know everything about you, but I do know some things. I know that you're the only person who makes my little sister think it's OK to be a girl. I know how you feel when you sing, cause it's how I feel when I play. I know all you really want from this Jay-guy is for him to get you, and he never will because the only thing he's interested in getting is himself. And, I know that all this stuff about me being too young is just you being afraid... because, it's easier for you to say that I'm too young than to risk something that's not what you thought you wanted. And, most of all, I know that, ever since I kissed you at the D.M.V., every time I've seen you, I've wanted to kiss you again. ''[pause]'' And I don't know for sure, but I'm pretty sure you did. And, you have to...
:''[Ephram advances towards Madison and kisses her]''
:'''Ephram''': Yeah... thought so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Edna''': ''[to Andy]''  You like Linda. Linda likes you. You are both nincompoops who will do nothing about it.

=== ''Just Like in the Movies'' ===

:'''Bright''': You have to keep her guessing.
:'''Ephram''': And how do I do that?
:'''Bright''': By ignoring her.
:'''Ephram''': Ignoring her? That's your plan?
:'''Bright''': It's perfect. Right now she's expecting you to be all, &quot;sorry for copping a feel.&quot;
:'''Ephram''': I didn't cop a feel!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': Madison's sleeping over tonight!
:'''Bright''': That's awesome! All systems go!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': You know, sometimes you're smarter than you look.
:'''Madison''': If I get sick, you're in big trouble.
:'''Ephram''': Don't worry. I'm not that sick.
:'''Madison''': Well then, get out of bed. Get your ass to high school. I never want to say that sentence again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': Hey.
:'''Linda''': This has to stop.
:'''Andy''': So you got the balloons?
:'''Linda''': I did, but I don't want them and I don't want the flowers either. Do you understand?
:'''Andy''': Not a big fan of presents. Got it.
:'''Linda''': No, it's not the presents. It's you Andy. I'm not interested in you. I'm sorry, I was hoping that we didn't have to have this whole conversation, but obviously we do. The thing is, ummm, I'm-I'm not attracted to you and I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, but I don't want to date you and I don't parse anything romantic happening between us.
:'''Andy''': Oh.
:'''Linda:''' I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I just, I-I didn't know how else to put it. So, it just has to stop, okay?
:'''Andy''': Sure. Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tommy''': ''[To Amy]'' Well, I was gonna say that I heard you were the prettiest, most popular girl at County High. But you didn't care about any of that anymore. You chucked your tiara at the door the day your boyfriend died, and you've been wandering the halls alone ever since, looking for something, or someone to fill the void and keep all the sadness away.

=== ''Unhappy Holidays'' ===

:'''Ephram''': ''[to Madison]'' You know you said you liked me. You said I made you come 'undone' I am not quite sure what that means exactly but I know it's a good thing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': ''[to Harold]'' You think by keeping me a prisoner in my own home that you're gonna save me? From what, Tommy? You don't even know him. As far as I can see, the only person I need to be saved from anymore is you. I hate this house. I hate my school. I hate my friends, and I hate my entire stupid life. You can ground me Dad, and you can yell at me and you do whatever the hell you want, because honestly, I wish I was dead. I don't feel anything anymore. And you wanna know the best part, I don't even care.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': What I want is to be able to have a life, and I wouldn't even mind having to share it with you. But you won't let that happen. You're too busy controlling everything and everyone, that I don't even think you know what you're controlling anymore. What is so wrong with me and Madison?
:'''Andy''': Many, many things.
:'''Ephram''': No there's not. I know the age thing freaks you out, but there's more to it than that, I can tell. I just can't figure out what it could be. She's great. She's smart. She loves Delia and she even likes you. What is it that you're trying to stop?
:'''Andy''': It's just wrong.

=== ''Family Dynamics'' ===

:'''Madison''': ''[To Ephram]'' Okay, tell me what's bugging you 'cause no amount of pork can distract a guy from a making out session, especially when there's no chance we get caught.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Delia''': I'm not mad at you Dad, I just don't want her to be mad at me.
:'''Andy''': Well honey, Linda's not going to be mad at you.
:'''Delia''': Not Linda--Mom.
:'''Andy''': What about Mom?
:'''Delia''': If I like Linda, Mom will know and she'll be mad.
:'''Andy''': Why would Mom be mad?
:'''Delia''': Because she'll be jealous. You think Linda's beautiful. She's got red hair and she's a doctor, and Mom wasn't like that.
:'''Andy''': Honey, there will never be anyone who means as much to me as Mom did. Not anyone. Just like no one could ever take your place or Ephram's. That's the first thing you have to know.
:'''Delia''': What's the second?
:'''Andy''': The second thing is that Mom would never be mad at you or me or anyone for liking someone else that wasn't her.
:'''Delia''': I don't know, she'd be pretty tough.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': Delia, when someone we love dies, it's okay to be sad about it for awhile. For as long as you need to be really. But you-you, just can't hang on to all the love that you used to give to that person.
:'''Delia''': Why not?
:'''Andy''': Because--love's not worth a whole lot if you just keep it to yourself.

:'''Madison''': ''[to Ephram]'' Yeah, but here's the thing. You know, you cannot be okay with it and still support his decision. And if you feel like you can talk to him about it, then you should. But if you can't, then talk to me, 'cuz chances are if you're feeling gloomy, I can do stuff to cheer you up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': ''[to Linda]'' I fixed things with Delia, so now all you have to worry about is my grating personality and utter lack of charm.

=== ''Controlling Interest'' ===

:'''Ephram''': And the bubble isn't really that safe either, I mean the bubble could pop... the bubble could burn down... someone could rob the bubble.

=== ''Forget Me Not'' ===

:'''Ephram''': ''[to Amy, about Tommy]'' So how's Rico Suave? Are you guys sharing needles yet?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': ''[voiceover of her letter to Dr.Abbott]'' Dear Dad: I'm sorry I forgot your birthday. It's not like me to do that. You probably think that's just how I am these days. That missing your birthday is just more proof that I've become a different person, someone who forgets her family for a boy or a fight or whatever it was that got between us. That's the thing, I don't even know anymore. I know I've disappointed you more than you ever thought possible. I never thought it was possible either. And now I feel kinda stuck in this pattern of messing stuff up and I don't know how to fix it. I wish we could make everything like it used to be, but I guess I'm old enough to know we can't. I know you won't believe me but I think about you everyday and no matter how bad things get or how far apart we may seem, you'll always be my dad and I'll always be your Amy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': ''[to Spanish teacher]'' Estamos uh... mucho um... embarazada.
:'''Amy''': You just said: We're very pregnant.
:'''Ephram''': (To Amy) Well, I'll let you fix this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': Why aren't you with Madison?
:'''Ephram''': Would you believe we decided our relationship was strong enough that we don't have to spend every waking moment together?
:'''Andy''': No.
:'''Ephram''': Then I think we're in a fight.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': How are you as a cook?
:'''Ephram''': About as good as I am at speaking Spanish.

=== ''No Sure Thing'' ===

:'''Irv''': ''[voiceover]'' For many years now, this sliver of dust-covered rock has served as a haven for the hope-filled and hormone-driven youth of our town. You won't find it on any map, but everyone knows exactly where it is. We call it The Point. On this uncharted piece of rock, many of Everwood's young people first discovered their capacity for passion, and sometimes for love. For them, the view from The Point will be forever etched in their hearts and minds -- a reminder of one special moment when everything changed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': I know I'm the last person you want advice from right now, but don't be afraid to make sure that everything's right. You're never going to get this moment back.
:'''Amy''': I appreciate what you're saying, Dr. Brown, but... I had the right person in my life, and unfortunately, we ran out of time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bright''': ''[about Madison]'' Dude, come on! She is signaling the pitch!
:'''Ephram''': Please don't use sports metaphors... I need to understand what you're saying.
:'''Bright''': She's achin' for some Brown lovin'. Dish it up and serve it hot my friend.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': ''[to Linda]'' Bad things can happen. And if you don't think I know that after losing my wife, you have no business being my friend, much less anything else. I know things can go wrong, which is exactly why I think it's worth the risk if I can feel this way again. So, no. If you want to break up with me you better find a better reason.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': ''[about Madison]'' Are you sleeping with her? ''Answer me!''
:'''Ephram''': No, I'm not sleeping with her. I'm not sleeping with her and I'm gonna be a virgin for the rest of my life, because that's just how my life is! When something is good, it turns bad, and when something's bad it just gets worse. Is that what you wanted to hear?

=== ''The L Word'' ===

:'''Irv''': ''[voiceover]'' The speed and direction of our path through life are pretty good measures of our age. We race headlong through childhood, never looking back; wanting it to end as quickly as possible. As we get older, we occasionally slow down long enough to look around and savor certain moments: It's a sure sign of growing up. It's only in our twilight years, when our pace is slowed and the long race is nearing the end that we spend most of our time looking backwards, and we wonder why we were ever in such a hurry.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': It's amazing, I, I didn't think things could get any better, or, or I could like her any more, but I do. This is what you were warning me about, huh? You knew I was gonna feel this way.
:'''Bright''': Well, I don't think I used the word &quot;feel.&quot; I might of used the word &quot;feel up.&quot; That's totally different.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ephram kisses Madison]''
:'''Ephram''': I love you.
:''[Pause. Madison gives Ephram a gentle, &quot;motherly&quot; kiss]''
:'''Madison''': I gotta go get the iron.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': Do you think we can just maybe rewind the last couple days? Just go back completely?
:'''Madison''': I don't think it works that way, Ephram.
:'''Ephram''': Right, the toothpaste, tube. Forget it. ''[long pause]'' Do you think we could maybe just pretend? For now, at least?
:'''Madison''': Yeah, I guess we could do that.
:'''Ephram''': Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Irv''': ''[voiceover]'' Sometimes it's easier to pretend that things are okay, rather than face a difficult truth. So we go through the motions, the rituals of everyday life. We hope the comfortable rhythms of familiarity will hold off the inevitable just a little longer; return things to normal, anything to buy us more time. Playing pretend, make believe, it might be the one thing we never outgrow.

=== ''Unspoken Truths'' ===

:'''Andy''': I want you to listen to me, Nina. This is the toughest part, this moment. But if you do this right, you won't spend the rest of your life regretting anything or resenting anyone or kicking yourself. I know you want to move on to the next chapter and you will. But I am not about to let you sign on the dotted line and accept whatever standard, minimum crap he is offering. You deserve much more. Do you understand me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': It's you. I know you.
:'''Colin''': Stop following me.
:'''Amy''': Stop, stop, please. You left me. You left me alone and now you're here and I'm here and you shouldn't be here.
:'''Colin''': Neither should you.
:'''Amy''': I loved you. I loved you. I want you to come back.
:'''Colin''': Stop following me. Just stop.
:'''Amy''': Why are you being mean?
:'''Colin''': I want you to leave me alone. Won't you understand? I want you to go.
:'''Amy''': Go where? Where am I supposed to go? I failed school, Colin. I failed my brother. I failed my parents. I failed you. Where do you want me to go? I don't even know where to start.
:'''Colin''': You can start by saying goodbye.
:'''Amy''': No. No, I can't.
:'''Colin''': Yes you can.
:'''Amy''': Goodbye. Goodbye.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bright''': ''[about sunglasses]'' These are cool. I don't know if they do me justice. I mean, they look good, but do they say I'm a genius?
:'''Ephram''': No because they don't speak.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bright''': ''[about Ephram and Madison]'' Yeah, having sex with a rock goddess tends to have an effect on a guy.
:'''Amy''': They're sleeping together?
:'''Bright''': Whad'ya think they were doing this whole time, playing solitaire ''[pause]'' or some other two-person card game?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': ''[to Ephram]'' I have your report card.
:'''Delia''': Run for it!

=== ''Unfinished Business'' ===

:'''Irv''': ''[voiceover]'' Sometimes we don't know our own strength. It can be hard to tell just how much weight you can safely bear, or how much will crush you. I'd like to think you can shoulder as big of burden as you believe you can -- that it's all a matter of will. Certainly a comforting thought. Other times it's hard to remember you had any strength at all. Then you can only hope to have someone to remind you, you were once fierce and able.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mindy''': I'm sure it wasn't as bad as you think. She really digs you, you know. She talks about you all the time.
:'''Ephram''': Yeah.
:'''Mindy''': You kind of love her, don't you?
:'''Ephram''': Yeah.
:'''Mindy''': You have that face. I remember when I had the face. Derek Senn. But we called him Demi-God. You know, 'cause he was basically god-like. I met him freshman year, we dated for like six months. It was the most amazing six months of my life. Then he decided he had to bike around South America, so he dropped out. We said goodbye at the airport and I never heard from him again. Pretty much the worst pain I ever felt.
:'''Ephram''': Why does everyone feel the need to tell me how awful their first loves were? I mean, what's up with that?
:'''Mindy''': I don't know. I guess because they're always so awful... and amazing... and usually over before they start.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Let me just say that I'm sorry. I know that I kind of disappeared for awhile and that I wasn't the best friend in the world, but I want to change that...Try to work on things, you know?
:'''Paige''': Wow, you're really desperate, you know?
:'''Amy''': OK, maybe I shouldn't have come.
:'''Paige''': Or maybe you shouldn't have ditched us in the first place.
:'''Amy''': I didn't ditch you Paige.
:'''Paige''': One day, we're talking on the phone all the time, and the next, Laynie's your new best friend and you won't even wave to me in the halls.
:'''Amy''': Well I didn't see you calling me. I didn't see any of you, pick up the phone or do one kind thing after Colin died. You just wanted me to keep on doing what I always did: plan all the parties, go to the mall, fight for the best dance costume. Well I couldn't, Paige and I thought you would understand that.
:'''Paige''': I'm sorry. Were your druggie friends more understanding?
:'''Amy''': Just trying to get my life back.
:'''Paige''': Well, you can't have it back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tommy''': It's been two days. Didn't you want to make sure I was okay?
:'''Amy''': I called the hospital, they said you were released yesterday.
:'''Tommy''': So were you going to leave a forwarding address or just going for a clean getaway?
:'''Amy''': I'm just going home.
:'''Tommy''': It's good.
:'''Amy''': Yeah.
:'''Tommy''': Mmm, I'll give you a call later, let you get settled in.
:'''Amy''': No, don't.
:'''Tommy''': Look Amy, I screwed up. I never should have taken you to that party, we should never have done all that crap, but this whole thing has been a serious wake-up call for me.
:'''Amy''': I'm glad, I hope you get the help that you need.
:'''Tommy''': No Amy, I don't need help, I just...I just need you.
:'''Amy''': I can't be that person for you anymore Tommy.
:'''Tommy''': It was just a slip, one slip, one night, that's not who I am.
:'''Amy''': It wasn't one night, it was three months of lies.
:'''Tommy''': So what? I'm not good enough for you anymore? What are you gonna do? Gonna go back to Mommy and Daddy? Gonna go back to being little miss perfect, is that it? No you can't. You won't be able to, not after us.
:'''Amy''': I gotta go, take care of yourself, Tommy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': You're sad.
:'''Ephram''': A little.
:'''Amy''': Something happen?
:'''Ephram''': Madison and I broke up.
:'''Amy''': What? When?
:'''Ephram''': About an hour ago.
:'''Amy''': Oh my God, the other day you said that everything was fine I thought...
:'''Ephram''': Yeah I know, I lied a little bit. Don't ask me why.
:'''Amy''': Why?
:'''Ephram''': I don't know. I guess I thought if I pretended that everything was great, actually it would be great.

=== ''Last Looks'' ===

:'''Andy''': I'm sorry if I have to put my foot down, but I should have done this six months ago. I knew how this was going to end back then. I told you both. I wish someone had listened to me.
:'''Ephram''': What do you mean, &quot;someone&quot;? Did you talk to Madison behind my back?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Delia''': It's just that... I love Ephram, too. And, since he's my brother, and we're related and everything, I have to love him more.
:'''Madison''': I understand.
:'''Delia''': And I think that when you're here, it makes him sad... really, really sad. I don't want to see him that sad any more. So, I'm going, going to have to let you go, Madison.
:'''Madison''': Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Madison''': Well maybe in two weeks we could do something, have one of those kick-off friendship lunches, or something.
:'''Ephram''': No, no, I, ah, I could never do the &quot;friend thing&quot; with you. Let's face it, we were never really friends. We were just--
:'''Madison''': In love.
:'''Ephram''': Yeah.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': What's going on here? Delia: Ephram fired Mrs. Hammerhead.
:'''Ephram''': Over the phone, this morning. Actually, it went pretty smoothly -- I've had some experience letting sitters go before, you recall... Everybody will be happy.
:'''Andy''': I'm not happy.
:'''Ephram''': Oh, you will be.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': You changed my life Madison.

=== ''Sick'' ===

:'''Andy''': Well contrary to proper belief, I am not interested in poaching their patients. You should be ashamed of yourself. In fact, all of you should. All right, come on, everybody out. Let's go. Everybody out. That's it. All of ya. Jumping ship on a good doctor. You outta be ashamed of yourselves. Go on. Out. Store's closed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Linda''': That's what you do, Harold. When someone comes after you, you argue. But when someone comes after someone you love, the minute you see blood, you go for the throat.
:'''Harold''': That's what you do for family. You fight, you go too far.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bright''': There's always something good on TV. It's been my motto since I was a little kid; I'm sticking to it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': One thing I do know is whatever is going on in there is going to come out whether you like it or not. So, you might as well just say it on purpose and choose your words.
:'''Ephram''': You know, it's amazing how you do that.
:'''Amy''': Do what?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bright''': ''[to Amy and Ephram]'' Hmmm... sit here with the bitter twins or free internet porn. Excuse me. ''[Leaves]''
:'''Amy''': Hmm, bitter twins. He's getting funnier.

=== ''Do or Die'' ===

:'''Irv''': ''[voiceover]'' There are things that go without saying and there are things better left unsaid. There are things that should never be uttered out loud and there are things you've got to hear to believe. But the ones that stay with us are the things we long to say, but don't.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Bright is trying to convince Amy and Ephram to go with the &quot;Promebago&quot;]''
:'''Bright''': No, you don't get it. My life is about to start to suck. Big time. I'm going to be that weird guy who graduates and never leaves. Like Johnny Richter.
:'''Amy''': That guy who works at Sal's?
:'''Bright''': See, he doesn't even work there. You just think he does 'cause he hangs out there so much. C'mon, guys. I need this night to be awesome.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': There has to be some way we can enjoy this.
:'''Ephram''': Sedated.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': How does he do it?
:'''Amy''': What, act like a moron? It comes naturally.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': There's just no point. If Ephram wanted to go with me, he would ask me.
:'''Bright''': No he wouldn't.
:'''Amy''': Yes he would.
:'''Bright''': Do you think he's a glutton for punishment? A total glutton for punishment? You rejected the guy like six-hundred times last year. He's not gonna out on a limb and ask you. Even if he was dying to.

=== ''Your Future Awaits'' ===

:'''Amy''': Ephram, go away!
:'''Ephram''': No, I'm not going to go away, I don't understand what's going on, why are you crying?
:'''Amy''': Do you know how hard that was for me? To lay my heart on the line like that?
:'''Ephram''': Yeah, I think I do.
:'''Amy''': Maybe it's easy for you but it's not for me. I don't really like feeling this vulnerable. I told you because I trusted you and now I feel like this whole night you've been lying to me.
:'''Ephram''': I wasn't lying to you, I wasn't sure if it was true or not.
:'''Amy''': Please, if all you cared about is if it were true you could've just asked me. Instead you created this completely false moment. This whole night, how much of it was a manipulation? Dinner, after dinner, were you faking being nervous at the audition?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': I wasn't trying to humiliate you, I was trying to get you to tell me how you feel, why is that so wrong? I've told you a thousand times!
:'''Amy''': You told me because you wanted to, not because I tricked you into it, all calculated.
:'''Ephram''': How many times have you lied to me? With my dad, with Colin? All last year you knew that I would do anything for you, all you had to do was ask, so you didn't. You would just bat your eyes and cry on my shoulder. You played me! Well tonight I played you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': What?
:'''Nina''': Nothing, just... you know how they say 'don't drive angry'? I'm thinking the same thing applies to neurosurgery.

=== ''The Day Is Done'' ===

:'''Irv''': ''[voiceover]'' Dreams are our world turned upside down. Gravity, logic, time rendered meaningless. The world of dreams is not our world. Although in the dead of night, it tempts and deceives. This is what makes dreams so dangerous.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harold''': Dreams aren't meant to be understood any more than tragedy can be averted. Life happens to us. We learn to be grateful when things are good,and to count our blessings when things are bad. And the only certainty in all of it is that it all just... keeps happening.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Okay. See, the thing is my dad is doing this, this, completely crazy thing, right, because it's like why not. He's got nothing to lose at this point and I just keep thinking that maybe it's the same thing with us. You know, we basically had the worst fight that we could possibly have. Right? Did it, done it, it's over.
:'''Ephram''': Right.
:'''Amy''': So I figure why not just be crazy. Start over like you said. And this summer would be the perfect time to do that because there'd be no pressure, no weirdness because of school. You're clique, my clique.
:'''Ephram''': I don't have a clique.
:'''Amy''': My clique. But you know what I mean. We'd be able to figure out what we could be without being inside the pressure cooker that is County High.
:'''Ephram''': Yeah. I mean, that's a good plan. Except for one small problem.
:'''Amy''': Juilliard. Juilliard. I know and I was thinking about it and I realized your dad's a millionaire so what's a few hundred bucks, right?
:'''Ephram''': Thousand bucks.
:'''Amy''': Same difference. It'd be like as if he enrolled you in a regular summer camp and right before summer, you broke your leg so you couldn't go. So you lose your deposit; happened to me. Look, I know what I'm asking you to do is crazy. Don't think I'm not completely aware of that fact.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Is this supposed to be a sexy picnic?
:'''Ephram''': Maybe. Not sure yet. Here, have a seat.
:'''Amy''': You look nervous.
:'''Ephram''': I-I am nervous.
:'''Amy''': Why?
:'''Ephram''': Okay, look. I'm pretty sure we've been down this road before, many, many times. In fact, it's kind of crazy how many times we've been down this road without anything actually ever happening on the road. It seemed like something always messes us up. Lately, that something has been me. I feel like I've been given a second chance and I don't want to blow it. I can't stop thinking about what you said about me staying and us really taking a shot. The thing is, I know what would happen if we did that. It would be exactly the way I thought it would be, perfect. You know, I never really worried much about what would happen if we actually got together. Somehow I always knew that part would work itself out. It's just the getting there that seemed so impossible. I could never imagine both of us being on the same page at the same time.
:...
:'''Ephram''': You're it, Amy. You're the one I want to be with. There's no question about it, there's no holding it back, there's no over-analyzing, it just is.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': I don't understand.
:'''Ephram''': I could not go. I could be the guy that says, you know, screw it, it's all about the girl. But let's face it, I already am that guy. I know how to make you a priority. I've done it. I can do it again. If you ever need me, I'll be there. But right now, I need to worry about making myself a priority. And the only way I can do that is to go to New York. I want you to wait for me. Will you?

== Season 3 ==
=== ''For Every Action...'' ===

:'''Delia''': Dad?
:'''Andy''': What?
:'''Delia''': Dr. Abbot is outside.
:'''Andy''': Now!? What does he want?
:'''Delia''': I don't know, but he's wearing slippers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': I still can't believe my dad let you pick me up instead of him. How did you swing that?
:'''Amy''': It wasn't that hard actually, we did quite a lot of bonding over the summer.
:'''Ephram''': Wha... you bonded with my father?! Why?
:'''Amy''': Well he's a lot funnier than you give him credit for and he's the one person in town that didn't mind me talking about you 24/7.
:'''Ephram''': This is way too weird to process. I am picturing you and my dad splitting a coke at Mama Joys and it's freaking me out.
:'''Amy''': One coke. Two straws.
:'''Ephram''': Stop it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': ''[after she sees Ephram]'' Oh my God, he's here how weird is that? It's like we're always in the same place, it's like fate or something.
:'''Rose''': Well, it could be that there's only one Main Street in Everwood but fate is nice too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': Delia was wearing a dress.
:'''Andy''': Yeah, I know. It's weird.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harold''': Are you implying that I'm wooden?
:'''Andy''': Wooden? You are a 2-by-4!

=== ''...There is a Reaction'' ===

:'''Amy''': I just quit yearbook.
:'''Ephram''': Damn! I just signed up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': Harold! No wait! ''[The sprinklers turn on, Harold looks at Andy]'' I was gonna say... go right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Delia''': What's wrong with you?
:'''Ephram''': Broke up with Amy.
:'''Delia''': Already?!
:'''Ephram''': Shut up Delia.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': ''[to Amy]'' You turned your schedule into something the president couldn't even handle! Not that that's saying much...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nina''': ''[To Andy]'' Oh please, if I got upset hearing about every guy who cheated on his wife, I'd have to give up my soaps and you know I'd never do that.

=== ''Staking Claim'' ===

:'''Amy''': ''[After Ephram messes up and stops playing]'' You know you'd think that since you practice so much you wouldn't suck so bad.
:'''Ephram''': Yeah, well if you didn't study so much you would know that guys don't care if chicks are smart. ''[Amy hits him and Ephram blocks]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': First of all, even if Hannah did have a crush on me... which I don't think she does... she'd be way too terrified to ever do anything about it. ''[Long pause]'' Unlike your friend Katie.
:'''Amy''': What did Katie do?
:'''Ephram''': She totally grabbed my ass in gym the other day.
:'''Amy''': She did what?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': What do you think about Brian Cummings? Do you think he's cute?
:'''Ephram''': Well, I should make something clear right off the bat - I don't do threesomes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': When you like someone, you try not to let them know, but when you hate someone you try to be nice so they don't know. But when you love someone...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': I've got to go pick up Delia from Brittany's. Apparently, fifth grade sucks. But she's convinced that some hot chocolate syrup and rocky road will help make it better.

=== ''The Birds &amp; the Batteries'' ===

:'''Harold''': You'll never guess who I ran into today.
:'''Bright''': [[w:Paris Hilton|Paris Hilton]].
:'''Harold''': Who? No.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Delia''': What are you guys talking about?
:'''Andy''': Cheese! Uh--cake. Cheesecake.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': First of all, her--whosiwhatsit was under her bed.
:'''Mrs. Clark''': Is this a joke to you!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nina''': I told you from the start that you should talk to her if she brought it up and instead you said 'cheesecake'!
:'''Andy''': It was a reflex!

=== ''Sacrifice'' ===

:'''Ephram''': My school work doesn't inspire me.
:'''Andy''': Yeah, but if you give it up, I'll kill ya.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': I just thought I could have it all.
:'''Andy''': Well, you can't.
:'''Ephram''': You wanna think about that some more before you crush my spirit completely?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Delia''': Nina, if you have all these different clothes, how come you look the same every day?
:'''Nina''': Don't make me cry Delia. I just put on mascara.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Delia''': You're scarring me for life!
:'''Andy''': Welcome to the club!

=== ''Shoot the Moon'' ===


:'''Andy''': Can I bug you?
:'''Ephram''': Mission accomplished.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Edna''': ''[to Jake]'' By the way, next time you're at the dentist, ease off on the bleaching. Hurts my eyes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': ''[to Andy]'' I'm not scared of what happens if I fail and don't get into Juilliard. I'm scared of what happens if I do. If I go to Juilliard, then... that's it. One thing. Piano. I'll be just like you were before she died. It took Mom dying to wake you up. I don't wanna have to lose something to keep myself from turning into you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bright''': ''[to Amy and parents]'' They're all great schools if you want to be in Boston or New York. There's also a lot of good piano schools in that area.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Doctor Harold''': Good to hear it, by the way?
:'''Ephram''': What is?
:'''Doctor Harold''': Your playing, it is as good as they say. That was an arrangement from Bash motet, wasn't it?
:'''Ephram''': Well it is an attempt, at least. My teacher got me taken down the cording structure. He's evil. I didn't know you knew music, do you play?
:'''Doctor Harold''': I want it too but as with surgeon, I was born with the ear but not the hands. God has a strange sense of humor. I am his favorite channel.
:'''Ephram''': I am working all night on the avocado. Usually it just comes to me but when I get stuck, it can take a while.
:'''Doctor Harold''': You are so much like your father. You just described what it is to be gifted and you don’t even know it. The part that you call effortless that would be the life ambition of the less blessed and the part that is a bit more work that is an act that they won’t even be able to follow.
:'''Ephram''': Well the experts seem to disagree; I have paperwork from very expensive schools to prove it. 
:'''Doctor Harold''':  Yeah, that’s the technique. But the part that can’t actually be taught, grated or improved. What you have been given is more like the rain, it simply happens nothing can alter its timing or course, you just have to dress for the occasion.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': [Application to Princeton] Tell about yourself in such a way that we will have a good sense of who you are. 500 words. I wish you would have ask me that two years ago, I could have told you exactly who I was, who I would be. Two years ago, I knew it all. The thing is I was right. &lt;p&gt;Thing is, you can never tell when everything you count on may fall apart, no matter how solid the rock. Rocks break, everything changes even when you think you are sure, especially when you are sure. To be fair if I was one of the fates looking down at the best laid plans of dumb little people, I probably see and want to mess with them too. Wanna know about me in 500 words; I get scared sometimes and disappointed, I have doubts, and my life gets in my way, I don’t like change but I know it’s good for me and inevitable so I welcome it the best I can. There is a poem by Johan Frank that says it better than I will “Defy the old dragon, defy fear, the world may rage and quake but I shall remain singing and in perfect peace.” &lt;p&gt;Yeah things happen, things you don’t expect or want or like. The world rages and you become someone, you didn’t know you would ever be … and now you are in your clothes and in your life, this is my future, this is me. This is me, and I want things I never thought I would, I want the possibilities a school like Princeton can offer. A place to grow, meet new people, a place of surprise when life turns out to be nothing like I imagined. And to be grateful for it, in perfect peace.

=== ''Best Laid Plans'' ===

:'''Amy''': I'm upset because this whole thing is embarrassing.
:'''Edna''': Farting in a public restroom is embarrassing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': I guess it's a good thing I stayed on the pill.
:'''Ephram''': You are? Since when?
:'''Amy''': Last year. For Tommy.
:'''Ephram''': You went on the pill for that creep!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harold''': ''[about stopping Amy and Ephram from having sex]'' This is over, isn't it?
:'''Andy''': Not necessarily. They're teenagers. There's a chance they may screw up the relationship before they ever get to the sex.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hannah''': It's stupid. Boy stuff.
:'''Nina''': There is NOTHING stupid about boy stuff.

=== ''The Tipping Point'' ===

:'''Andy''': You know what I miss? I miss the subway.
:'''Jake''': Ok... random.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': It's snowing.
:'''Amanda''': Yep.
:'''Andy''': I'm cold.
:'''Amanda''': Uh huh.
:'''Andy''': My toes are frozen.
:'''Amanda''': You live in the mountains, get used to it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': My dad cries every time I beat him at tennis.
:'''Ephram''': Really?
:'''Amy''': No.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': ''[To Amanda]'' Music therapy takes time and patience. But if you think it's not working, just tell me. I'm a big boy. I can handle it.

=== ''The Reflex'' ===

:'''Amy''': ''[To Hannah]'' I'll just find a way to bring (sex) up in a casual way.... Psh I can be casual.
:''[Next scene]''
:'''Amy''': So why haven't you tried to have sex with me yet?
:'''Ephram''': Wha... what do you mean I haven't tried?
:'''Amy''': Well, have you?
:'''Ephram''': No, I mean I haven't done everything I could do, but it's not like you have given me any indication that you wanted me to.
:'''Amy''': How am I supposed to indicate that?
:'''Ephram''': Oh I don't know, maybe not flinching every time my hand grazes your belt buckle.
:'''Amy''': I don't flinch.
:'''Ephram''': Uh, yeah you do.
:'''Amy''': No, I don't!
:'''Ephram''': Heh, yeah you do. Do you want me to show you right now? 'Cause it's actually pretty funny.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hannah''': Did you and Ephram have a good time at the drive in?
:'''Amy''': Eh, it was...whatever.
:'''Hannah''': How was the movie?
:'''Amy''': I don't know.
:'''Hannah''': Oh right, you guys were probably...
:'''Amy''': No. Not even. We played the how long can we kiss before it gets so unbearably boring that I'd actually rather watch someone get eaten by a giant centipede.
:'''Hannah''': Is that a game?
:'''Amy''': No Hannah, it's my life.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': So Saturday night? 8:00?
:'''Ephram''': For sex? 8:00, 9:00, 7:30...
:'''Amy''': Good, so you bring the condoms and I'll see if I can score us some of my mom's fried chicken for after.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': It's all about how men and women are made to feel inadequate about their bodies.
:'''Hannah''': They should have just named this chapter: Hannah.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rose''': Just remember. We were only two years older than they are now when we first...
:'''Harold''': Yes. Yes. And God punished us with Bright.

=== ''Need to Know'' ===

:'''Andy''': Ok, you're right, I am in a bad mood.
:'''Harold''': Really? Forgive my undropped jaw.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': When are you going to accept my Lord?
:'''Ephram''': When you stop persecuting my people.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hannah''': ''[To Amy]'' He loved books. Not the insides, but like the covers, the way they smelled. I just like the insides. He said that that made us a perfect fit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nina''': ''[To Andy]'' If you talk to me in that crappy I'm a doctor voice one more time I'm gonna knee you in the nuts.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bright''': They stop because they can't help themselves. It's not like they wanna see a bunch of body parts spewed all over the road, you know. Intellectually speaking they know that would make them hurl. But they stop anyways, because they can, because it's there.
:'''Ephram''': So according to this rationale, seeing Madison's band will make me wanna hurl, so that's a reason to go? Interesting theory.

=== ''Complex Guilt'' ===

:'''Ephram''': I seriously wish I was the one in that hospital bed right now.
:'''Andy''': Because bleeding ulcers are so fun?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': When did you get so smart?
:'''Ephram''': I'm a senior, dad. It's about time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': ''[when he sees Jake doing Yoga]'' God, please let this be a hallucination from the drugs.

=== ''Giving Up the Girl'' ===

:'''Delia''': At least they (boys) have control over their bodies. Stuff doesn't just happen to them without them letting it happen.
:'''Amy''': Well, um, let me put it this way. In a couple years when a boy gets called up to the chalkboard to do a math problem and he brings his textbook with him, just remember this little conversation, okay?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': Ya know, this place is so world-renowned, you'd think they'd be able to afford to decorate.
:'''Amy''': Easy there, [[w:Queer Eye|Queer Eye]], it's not a design center.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bright''': I'm totally going into medicine.
:'''Amy''': You might have to start by going to college first.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': I've wanted to be a ballerina ever since I was a little girl.
:'''Harold''': Yeah. And you also wanted to be a princess and an astronaut, and, I believe, a carrot at one point.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nina''': Wow...
:'''Jake''': Yeah?
:'''Nina''': I mean, damn. You can kiss.

=== ''The Perfect Day'' ===

:'''Bright''': Truth is, Ephram, there is a silver lining. You just fail to see it. I think that's part of your problem.
:'''Ephram''': Thank you, [[w:Phil McGraw|Dr. Phil]].
:'''Bright''': No, seriously. You came here on your first day and you met Amy. Because you're all wiggy in love with her, it takes your mind off what probably would've been a pretty nightmare year.
:'''Ephram''': I was not wiggy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Jealousy is such a pointless emotion, just a complete total waste of energy.
:'''Hannah''': Really. So you never feel jealous of Madison?
:'''Amy''': That's different. She's an ex.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': Isn't fraternizing with a coworker, like, illegal?
:'''Bright''': ''[Laughs]'' I don't know what you just said, man, but it's not like we're frat brothers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': Well it's a new order of the tracks. If I pick Bach, it says I'm ambitious. If I pick Chopin, it says I'm traditional.
:'''Andy''': Which one says you're OCD?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': It's like tragedy's the only thing we have in common. It's practically the reason we're friends.
:'''Bright''': So, you know, at least we all found each other. We are friends.
:'''Ephram''': But the point is, we got screwed. We're like way older than it says on our driver's licenses.

=== ''Since You've Been Gone'' ===

:''[Bright brings Hannah to the porch]''
:'''Hannah''': Are we getting beamed somewhere?
:'''Bright''': How cool would that be!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Amy comes down to living room]''
:'''Amy''': You are such an ass.
:'''Ephram''': ''[to Bright]'' One of us is in trouble.
:'''Amy''': You are completely ruining her [Hannnah's] life, did you know that?
:'''Ephram''': Well, that rules me out.

=== ''Surprise'' ===

:'''Ephram''': Well, you could be a gigolo.
:'''Bright''': Dude, you're forgetting I'm like, twice your size.
:'''Ephram''': No, seriously, go pro 'man whore.' Combine all your natural talents. Plus, no tie, flexible hours.
:'''Bright''': Maybe I should just join a convent.
:'''Ephram''': That's nuns!
:'''Bright''': I know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hannah''': Wow! Sounds like the plot of a bad indie film. Maybe we could get [[w:Zach Braff|Zach Braff]] to direct it.

=== ''A Moment in Manhattan'' ===

:'''Irv''': ''[voiceover]'' People came from far to the mountain towns, I came from the North to find purpose but Doctor came from a city to escape regret. Fate had other plans for both of us. You could argue its better to be neglected by fate than well attended. When it marks you for favor, you can bet your life will change, rarely for the better, though always deeper. The most costly casualty is always the heart; nothing hurts so much as that. Like sacrificing your queen, you can still play, only you can’t help feel that the gain is already lost. But strangely, cruelly, a distraught heart keeps beating no matter how much you wish it would stop. So you take another breath. Another step. You wake again to the unsympathetic sun. You go through the motions, pretending for all the world to be a warm-bloody creature. The doctor and I, we both knew a lot about that, we both came a long way only to find that purpose doesn’t last… And regret can burn a hole through any happiness. And that, just when you think, fate is done kicking you around and maybe its time to hope again. That’s when the real surprises come. 

:'''Bright''': ''[to Amy, walking in with package from Ephram]'' The guy has been in New York for like 30 minutes and he's already sent you a care package. Will that guy ever run out of ways to be your bitch?

=== ''Fate Accomplis'' ===

:'''Madison''': E.C.C. was just starting to feel like a stall. Taking classes didn't really matter. People who didn't want to do much with themselves just wasn't my lifestyle anymore.
:'''Ephram''': You outgrew your beer bottle.

=== ''Fallout'' ===

:'''Andy''': You have to understand something, honey - that fair doesn't always mean equal. Ephram's older and it's very different. And I promise you that when you become a teenager, you'll get the same exact treatment.
:'''Delia''': So I'll get an ugly car too.
:'''Andy''': Well, you gotta take the bad with the good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bright''': Hannah, if you say 'thank you' or 'sorry' one more time, I think I'm gonna have to kill myself.
:'''Hannah''': Sorry.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bright''': Problems?
:'''Hannah''': Just a little frustrated with God right now. I mean, He talks to [[w:Joan of Arcadia|Joan of Arcadia]], like, five times a week. Tells her to go out for cheerleading. My problem is way bigger, and I can't even get His attention.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': I mean, I could wallow in self pity but what would be the point of that?
:'''Nina''': Oh, you don't need a point to wallow, that's the beauty of the wallow.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Do you remember saying about him that he loved you of course, that he grow up in Long Island, graduated from Juilliard but didn't like touring so he got into teaching.
:'''Ephram''': Do you remember everything I say, because that's a little scary?

=== ''Acceptance'' ===

:'''Hannah''': And I'll always be happy to take care of your kids for you when you and Ephram need a little nookie time.
:'''Amy''': Hannah!
:'''Hannah''': What? I've heard the stories about your grandparents.
:'''Amy''': OK, you've officially lost your maid of honor status.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brian''': ''[to Jake]'' Pin an ear back now and then. Do a little lipo. . . . You could buy a Lexus just starting with the chicks I saw last night in a bar. They were actually watching wrestling on TV, swear to God!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hannah''': I just think you and Ephram should start off with more of a bang.
:'''Amy''': Yes, but we're not technically starting. It's more like, we almost got cancelled and then everyone decided that they loved us, so we got picked up for another season.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': You know what it is? It's that this whole time, you've been thinking about me. Always making sure that I'm okay, no matter what.
:'''Ephram''': Is that…is that wrong?
:'''Amy''': No, no. It's just that I was always thinking about ''us''.

=== ''He Who Hesitates'' ===

:'''Amy''': ''[to Hannah]'' Just enjoy it, okay. Sometimes you forget to appreciate these moments and then suddenly you're back into your normal life trying to remember what it felt like.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bright''': Boyfriend? Topher's not Hannah's boyfriend.
:'''Ephram''': They've gone on three dates; he took her to prom. What else would you call him?
:'''Bright''': Personally, I'd call him an asshat!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': May we please order some food? I'm starving and Bright is threatening to cook.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bright''': You're cooking?
:'''Hannah''': Don't worry, you don't have to eat it if it's bad.
:'''Bright''': No, it's not that...
:'''Hannah''': I had to learn early, you know? I'm just giving you the heads up in case you want to order pizza.
:'''Bright''': No, it's just, you've been doing this for your family for like, ever, it just doesn't seem right that you have to do it for mine too.
:'''Hannah''': It feels right to me.

=== ''Oh The Places You'll Go'' ===

:'''Jake''': It's going to be okay, all right? ''[starts breathing in and out]''
:'''Nina''': Please don't go all yoga on me right now.

=== ''Where the Heart Is'' ===

:'''Bright''': ''[to Amy]'' I will smother you with my ass cheeks if I have to!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': ''[to Nina]'' That life I want, I can't have it without you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harrold''': May I come in?
:'''Andy''': I don't know, are you going to hit me?

== Season 4 ==
=== ''A Kiss to Build a Dream On'' ===

:'''Reid''': It's tough trying to make new best friends after a certain point in your life; it's like, how do you catch them up on everything they already missed?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': You're not the only one in the room [[w:Narcissus (mythology)|Narcissus]].
:'''Bright''': I thought we agreed that you were going to stop insulting me in Spanish.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Grandma's wedding doesn't count as a date, loser.
:'''Bright''': I'm in a tux! It's a date.
:'''Amy''': You're an idiot.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Oh my God Bright, you have to let Reid be your new roommate.
:'''Bright''': Why? So you can stalk him outside the hospital?
:'''Amy''': I am not stalking him, I'm admiring him. Those are two very different verbs.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Delia''': Am I allowed to wear white?
:'''Andy''': Normally no, but in this case I think we can make an exception.
:'''Delia''': Interesting. Am I allowed to wear black?
:'''Andy''': Not until you're 30.

=== ''The Next Step'' ===

:'''Edna''': Three months farting around in Europe and not a tattoo to show for it...that's my boy.
:'''Ephram''': Well I was sporting a goatee for a while but that was just to fit in, those people in France have a real thing for body hair.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': I think sometimes that ignoring something gives it too much power... pretty soon all that we can remember is what it is we were trying to forget.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bright''': ''[to Hannah]'' I've never wanted a fourth date... until now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bright''': ''[to Ephram]'' So let me get this straight, you flew half way across the planet to see Irv and my grandma renew their vows? Dude, I almost didn't go because of a ''[[The Smurfs (TV series)|Smurfs]]'' marathon.

=== ''Put On A Happy Face'' ===

:'''Ephram''': I love parties.
:'''Bright''': Since when? You're a social black hole, all light goes into you and dies.
:'''Ephram''': Alright, first of all, it's not certain that light is conscious, so it can't die.

:'''Bright''': ''[to Ephram]'' So, you don't go to a party when you have a girlfriend. It's like taking Ben &amp; Jerry's to 31 Flavors.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Hannah, Ephram moved in with Bright and you meant to tell me? That's like [[w:Paul Revere|Paul Revere]], get-on-your-horse-and-ride type information.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hannah''': ''[to Bright]'' Look, it's obvious, you're embarrassed because I'm still in high school and I wear bad glasses and I dress like Laura from ''[[w:Little House on the Prairie|Little House on the Prairie]]''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bright''': ''[to Hannah]'' It's a bacchanal. It's in honor of the Greek god, [[w:B. A. Baracus|B.A. Baracus]]. He's the god of beer and chicken and stuff.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nina''': Are all men twelve years old?
:'''Andy''': In the inside, yes.

=== ''Pieces of Me'' ===

:'''Rose''': But I'm not [[Lance Armstrong]]...
:'''Bright''': No. You're better. You're my mom.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Father Patrick''': Hi gentlemen, I am Father Patrick.
:'''Bright''': Hi Father, sorry about the hell thing.
:'''Father Patrick''': It's not a problem. Have either of you ever thought about...
:'''Bright''': Oh, don't waste your breath, Padre. ''[Points at Ephram]'' Jewish. ''[Points at himself]'' Lost cause. Ready to go?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Bright, Ephram and Delia are at the Job Fair]''
:'''Ephram''': Where is Delia?
:'''Bright''': ''[looking around]'' I don't know. I bet she's got a job by now.
:'''Ephram''': You're supposed to watch her, right? She is just a little kid. You can't let her walk ...
:'''Bright''': Sorry! Sometimes I forget how young she is. She's got the [[w:Dakota Fanning|Dakota Fanning]] thing going on, she acts like a 40 year old. She freaks me out.

=== ''Connect Four'' ===

:'''Andy''': We are cities boys, the only thing we do agree on is that nature sucks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bright''': So um... what do you mean by not believing in premarital sex?
:'''Hannah''': Well, anything with the word 'sex' in it, I'm not comfortable.
:'''Bright''': How about the word 'job'?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': Why'd you come back to Everwood?
:'''Ephram''': ''[exhales]'' I am still in love with Amy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bright''': She's not going to have premarital sex until she's married.
:'''Ephram''': That's uh... nevermind.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bright''': Do you have the padres with you?
:'''Ephram''': No I don't know where they are. They're probably making out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': ''[to Hannah]'' He's learning to save lives... I barely have a life!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': I will more hands off, I won't talk to him, I won't pressure him into doing anything he doesn't wanna do. And if I do have to engage with him, I'll just get in quick and get out quicker.
:'''Delia''': This family needs so much help

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Doctor Abbot''': So, why exactly are you here? This trip was suppose to be about bounding with your son. Thus far you have spend all of ten minutes with him since we pulled into the parking lot.
:'''Doctor Brown''': Not true, we had dinner, I told a joke about the nuns, he laughed, it was great.
:'''Doctor Abbot''': Waw, I'm offering you an opportunity for the ultimate father-son experience here, so get up and have your son and start establishing some traditions.
:'''Doctor Brown''': We have established traditions, it's called not fighting for 24 hours. And so far, it rocks.

=== ''Free Fall'' ===

:'''Nina''': Yeah, but he's a plastic surgeon from L.A. People think Jake is going to make them look like [[w:Jessica Simpson|Jessica Simpson]].
:'''Jake''': Aw, that's sweet of you, babe.
:'''Sam''': I like [[w:Linsday Lohan|Linsday Lohan]] better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': ''[To Andy, referring to the cookies in the kitchen]'' Wow, it looks like you and [[w:Mrs. Fields|Mrs. Fields]] hooked up and threw a rager.

=== ''Pro Choice'' ===

:'''Ephram''': ''[about Reid grinding coffee]'' Is there a law against doing that before noon?
:'''Reid''': I'm sorry man. My morning coffee's the key to my whole day. It's Kona... and serious. That's why it costs like, 20 bucks a bean.
:'''Ephram''': Is that why you can't afford a shirt?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bright''': I know you don't want to have sex because of the Bible, but I was thinking like, I'm not sure that there's anything in there that says you can't take your girlfriend's bra off.
:'''Hannah''': Well... it's not about the Bible... it's, it's, it's about timing. It's just not bra removal time.
:'''Bright''': Oh yeah... out of curiosity, when exactly would you say would be bra removal time?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': Every time you left my garage last summer it was like [[w:Pig-Pen|Pig-Pen]] had just been there. Sometimes when I think about you, I envision this, like, uh, dust cloud over your head.
:'''Amy''': I guess that makes you the obsessive Peanut who's always banging away on his piano.
:'''Ephram''': Well, chicks love [[w:Schroeder (Peanuts)|Schroeder]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nina''': Jake, I don't care. My best friend lost her husband, Hannah is freaking out, and based on Sam's favorite new word, I'm pretty sure he's been sneaking episodes of ''[[Deadwood (TV series)|Deadwood]]''.

=== ''So Long, Farewell...'' ===

:'''Hannah''': I'm serious, Amy. You've got to get out there and meet some new people.
:'''Amy''': Yeah, I tried that. And you know what? New people suck!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bright''': My chest hurts and I just want to sleep all the time.
:'''Rose''': Here, let me see if you have a fever. ''[feels Bright's head]'' Nope, you don't feel warm to me.
:'''Bright''': I feel warm to me.
:'''Rose''': That's because you just pulled your head out of the laundry. What you have is a heartache.
:'''Bright''': Can't I just have whooping cough or something?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harold''': Here's to hurling ourselves out of an airplane.
:'''Andy''': Here's to hurling in general! ''[high fives with Harold]''
:'''Harold''': Owww! ''[holding his arm out and wincing]''
:'''Andy''': Problem is you're holding your hand up too high.
:'''Harold''': You don't have to slap so hard next time!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harold''': Shall we consult; share our suggested feats of derring-do?
:'''Andy''': You go first.
:'''Harold''': Alright. Don't be alarmed by the criminal nature of the suggested. After all, it's mealy a misdemeanor…I propose that we shoplift chewing gum from Herb's general store.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': Are you sure I can't interest you in a peanut butter jelly sandwich dipped in cold tomato soup?
:'''Amy''': It's the dipping that freaks people out Ephram; why must you dip?

=== ''Getting to Know You'' ===

=== ''Ghosts'' ===

:'''Hannah''': ''[answering her cell]'' Hey, Amy.
:'''Amy''': Are you sitting down?
:'''Hannah''': Yeah, why?
:'''Amy''': I need to talk to you.
:'''Bright''': ''[answering his cell]'' The boy is back in town, how was New York, man?
:'''Ephram''': Fine. I need to ask you something.
:'''Hannah''': What's the matter?
:'''Ephram''': Say you ran into an old girlfriend.
:'''Amy''': Are you sure you're sitting down?
:'''Bright''': Don't tell me you saw Madison?
:'''Hannah''': ''[to Bright]'' He saw Madison?…!
:'''Ephram''': No, not Madison.
:'''Amy''': So, I went over to Ephram's last week.
:'''Ephram''': And you weren't planning on anything happening…
:'''Amy''': And we were just supposed to study…
:'''Ephram''': And things got a little heated…
:'''Amy''': And there was no one there…
:'''Ephram''': And then something kinda…
:'''Amy''': And we totally had sex.
:'''Hannah''': You and Ephram slept together?!!
:'''Bright''': ''[to Hannah]'' What?! No way!
:'''Ephram''': &quot;No way&quot; what?
:'''Amy''': I've been meaning to tell you.
:'''Ephram''': Hello, you there?
:'''Amy''': I just felt so weird.
:'''Bright''': Dude, did you and my sister get back together?
:'''Amy''': And I don't know what it means yet.
:'''Ephram''': What? Who told you that?
:'''Hannah''': I can't believe this.
:'''Bright''': I can't believe you.
:'''Hannah''': Bright. This is so…Great.
:'''Bright''': …Bad.
:'''Ephram''': Have you talked to her?
:'''Amy''': And he said he's still in love with me.
:'''Ephram''': Did she say we were back together?
:'''Amy''': And we haven't spoken since.
:'''Hannah''': Okay, listen, come and get me right now.
:'''Bright''': Okay, stay where you are.
:'''Hannah''': We have to celebrate.
:'''Bright''': Time for some serious damage control.
:'''Amy''': This is not a celebration, Hannah.
:'''Ephram''': I don't need damage control.
:'''Amy''': I'll be there in ten.
:'''Ephram''': Fine, if you're coming, bring breakfast, and beer.
:''[Hannah and Bright both hang up and look at each other]''
:'''Hannah''': Guess that bike ride's gonna have to wait.
:'''Bright''': Yeah.
:''[They share a kiss and both depart]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': Go to your room!!
:'''Delia''': I'm going!
:'''Andy''': Well...go faster!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': Does your sister know you're using her computer?
:'''Ephram''': Do I care?
:'''Andy''': Have you seen her lately? She'd kick your skinny white ass.

=== ''Lost and Found'' ===

:'''Bright''': Aw yeah, B plus. Career high. Who puts the stud in American Studies? Bright Abbott does, ladies and gentlemen. I could do this professionally.
:'''Ephram''': You want to be a Historian?
:'''Bright''': God, is that what it would make me? Never mind.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': ''[To Reid]'' My dad always said that medical school was like the fifth ring of hell... or maybe it was the seventh. I can't remember, I always tuned him out anyway.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nurse''': Well, Edna, you did not have a heart attack.
:'''Andy''': Thank God.
:'''Edna''': Ah, thank [[w:Atorvastatin|Lipitor]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Laurie''': ''[To Amy]'' I live for students like you. Most kids just want to get an A and go home and watch ''[[Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County|Laguna Beach]]''. A show, by the way, which is scarily instructive about gender roles.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bright''': ''[To Ephram]'' If [[w:Jennifer Aniston|Jennifer]] can get over the [[w:Brad Pitt|Brad]], you can get over my sister.

=== ''You're a Good Man, Andy Brown'' ===

:'''Ephram''': So, is everything all right?
:'''Kyle''': Have you been watching [[w:Lifetime (TV network)|Lifetime]] or something?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': ''[Referring to online dating]'' Look, no one is more depressed about this than I am, but this is how people meet these days. I mean, [[w:Diane Lane|Diane Lane]]'s doing it, how bad can it be?
:'''Ephram''': That was a [[w:Must Love Dogs|movie]].
:'''Andy''': Yes, but it was a movie she agreed to do, so she must have found the character plausible.

=== ''An Ounce of Prevention'' ===

:'''Ephram''': Don't you have to at least kiss a girl to know that you're gay?
:'''Reid''': I don't know. Do you have to kiss a guy to know that you're straight?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': What if he's gay?
:'''Ephram''': Isn't he a little young to know if he's gay?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hannah''': I think you should shut your piehole Bright Abbott before I come over there and shut it for you!
:'''Bright''': Bring it on Splotchy!

=== ''Across the Lines'' ===

:'''Jake''': Everwood is not going to like this.
:'''Andy''': Nope. But it's been kind of quiet around here anyway. It's time to shake things up a bit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jake''': What is this? Some kind of Andy Brown neurosurgeon mind game?
:'''Andy''': Yes, I'm going to bring you down by agreeing with you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': ''[to Hanna]'' Wow, you're actually expressing a feeling. And it's negative. Maybe we should throw a party.
:'''Bright''': She doesn't like parties.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harold''': ''[after finding Bill and Rose smoking pot]'' I trust you're not driving home in your condition.
:'''Bill''': No, I can drive with cancer... ''[laughter from him and Rose]''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rose''': Really Harold, I took one hit.
:'''Harold''': Hit, so now you know the lingo. I suppose next you'll be listening to [[Pink Floyd]] over dinner.

=== ''The Land of Confusion'' ===

:'''Ada''': Well, you know what they say. If the sex is good it's five percent of the relationship. If the sex is bad, it's ninety five percent.
:'''Bright''': Well, what do they say if there's no sex at all?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kyle just told Ephram that he got the audition at Juilliard]''
:'''Kyle''': Any words of advice?
:'''Ephram''': Yeah... don't suck.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': You would sell your soul for a toaster?
:'''Ephram''': It's a kick-ass toaster.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': Does it look like a florist threw up in here to you?

=== ''Truth...'' ===

:'''Ephram''': What would you do? Would you have forgiven me?
:'''Amy''': Probably not, but you would never have done what Bright did.
:'''Ephram''': Yeah true, only because I know you would have come after me with a knife.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': ''[walks into the room as Ephram is playing the piano]'' When are you gonna start playing stuff that I can sing along to?
:'''Ephram''': Well, if you can't sing along to [[w:Sergei Rachmaninoff|Rachmaninoff]], then I don't think I can help you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': ''[to adoption agency worker]'' Harold is an extraordinary husband and father. I am constantly going to him for parenting advice. He could be the next [[Phil McGraw|Dr. Phil]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': ''[to Bright]'' Okay, yeah, that doesn't count when you're talking about Ada. That's like having a crush on [[w:Heidi Klum|Heidi Klum]]; you can't get in trouble for that.

=== ''All The Lonely People'' ===

:'''Harold''': You're not a bad person, Bright. Your impulses may not always be the best, but they are always honest. You have a good heart. At the end of the day that's all I could ask for.
:'''Bright''': So, is that all the stuff mom told you to say?
:'''Harold''': No. It is true she has always understood you better than I, always knows what to do. I've been at a loss more times than I care to admit. The fact is I'm a little jealous of you...
:'''Bright''': Now I know you're messing with me.
:'''Harold''': No, God no, not at all. Your ability to make friends at the drop of a hat: something I've never mastered. You approach life with an ease and natural social grace and I've always been hindered in that department. I've been waiting for a moment like this between the two of us.
:'''Bright''': Really?
:'''Harold''': I've always hoped that I would have something of use to say when you would need me, I guess. Of course after our camping debacle last fall, I'm thinking that maybe that time has past and you don't need me any more. And I really wanted to give you something, because the fact of the matter is you have taught me a great deal. Taught me how to laugh, take myself less seriously. I admire you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rose''': ''[to Hannah]'' I just started at the art museum over in Colorado Springs. It's very little money involved, but I do get to look at [[Paul Cézanne|Cézanne]] all day, which does wonders for the spirit.

=== ''Enjoy The Ride'' ===

:'''Hannah''': ''[to Bright]'' I just really need to figure out how to move on with my life right now... ''[pause]'' without you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Thalia''': I'm talking about that loser, [[w:Ashlee Simpson|Ashlee Simpson]], backing out of my party.
:'''Delia''': She did?
:'''Thalia''': My mom's getting [[w:Jessica Simpson|Jessica]] now, which is way better anyway.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Reid''': I really feel like Dorothy in ''[[The Wizard of Oz]]'' right now.
:'''Ephram''': And you wonder why we always think you're gay.

=== ''Reckoning'' ===

:'''Andy''': Don't tell me you were just talking to that man there.
:'''Ephram''': Yeah, why? Do you know him?
:'''Andy''': He's my father.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bright''': ''[Drunk]'' Did you happen to know almost all hookers strip, but nearly no strippers hook? That's not a word, is it? Yeah it is... Hook! Captain Hook!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hannah''': ''[as Bright lies unconscious in the hospital]'' Please don't die. ''[Puts her head down on his bed and starts to cry]'' Please don't die.
:'''Bright''': ''[Coming around]'' Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ephram''': You're not working on any plan. I came in here yesterday and you were watching the [[w:Lifetime (TV network)|Lifetime channel]].
:'''Bright''': That was all in the spirit of research, my friend, okay? Besides, [[w:Meredith Baxter|Meredith Baxter Birney]]? Total MILF.

=== ''Goodbye Love'' ===

:'''Bright''': ''[rapping]'' B Abbott, I'm funny like a rabbit or bunny and I don't have a job, which means I ain't got no money.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': ''[to Ephram]'' So, yeah, I thought about it, but more in the way I thought about marrying [[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]] when I was six.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': ''[to Ephram]'' Are you kidding? Patience is my middle name. I am all about maintaining the zen of my motorcycle, or whatever [[w:Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance|that book]] says.

=== ''Foreverwood (1)'' ===

:'''Stephanie''': I had this Physics professor that looked like [[w:Johnny Depp|Johnny Depp]]. Made calculating stuff a lot more interesting.
:'''Ephram''': You know, I've been told that I have a Depp-like quality.
:'''Stephanie''': You were lied to.

=== ''Foreverwood (2)'' ===

:'''Ephram''': I mean, everybody's got that picture in their mind. The one of, you know, how they think their life's supposed to be.
:'''Andy''': Well, the thing about the picture is... how do you look in it? It's not about who you're standing next to, or what's in the background... it's are you smiling? Are you happy? Are you good with the choices that you've made? Because if you are, it doesn't matter where you're standing or who you're standing next to... it's... it's a good picture.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rose''': Amy, you haven't moved for over two hours. Are you sick, sweetheart?
:'''Amy''': No, I'm stupid. I had the thing, mom. I had the thing that everybody wants and I threw it away. And now Ephram has become Stephram and you can't just walk up to Stephram and be like, Hi, I'm in love with you again. Especially 'cause she's buying him jackets.
:'''Rose''': Ok.
:'''Amy''': She's worked back from the inside. She has home-court advantage. I thought I could work the old-school angle, but now I'm realizing that I have no angle. All I have is how I feel and I can't even describe how I feel because it's just, it's so...
:'''Rose''': Much.
:'''Amy''': Yes, exactly.
:'''Rose''': You love Ephram.
:'''Amy''': Mom, yes. Keep up.
:'''Rose''': But why aren't your feelings enough, sweetheart? Considering the history you two have, it could maybe amount to more than a jacket. And if you could express your feelings to Ephram in a slightly less anxiety provoking way than you just expressed them to me, well...
:'''Amy''': It won't be enough. Saying the words doesn't even come close to how I feel about him. And besides that, this is Ephram. Grand gesture Ephram. He had his dad perform surgery on my boyfriend while he was in love with me. He wrote my Princeton essay for me. Our first time together.
:'''Rose''': I get it. Say no more.
:'''Amy''': I just think if I can find a way to show him just how much I love him, that I remember everything and I'm not gonna forget.
:'''Rose''': Then you will. You will.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bright''': So you come any closer to making a decision? About school, you know?
:'''Hannah''': Ugh. No. It's getting ridiculous since my registrations is due like tomorrow.
:'''Bright''': I think you should go to Notre Dame, Hannah.
:'''Hannah''': What?
:'''Bright''': It's not because I don't love you, I really do love you, but this is... it's the right thing to do.
:'''Hannah''': I don't understand. Why...
:'''Bright''': I was all ready to tell you to not go to Notre Dame, I had a whole pitch all planned out, and knowing my charm it probably would've worked out. But I was doing it for me. Okay, because I couldn't bear the thought of not seeing you every day, and because part of me was hoping that maybe we could get back together, or something. But I was being selfish. I mean, come on, if there's anything you taught me, when you love someone you gotta put them first. You worked your ass off to go to Notre Dame and you should go. You deserve to go.
:'''Hannah''': Yeah, but I...
:'''Bright''': The only reason you wouldn't go is cause you're afraid to lose us? Come on, Hannah, that's not gonna happen. Alright, we're always gonna be here. I'm always gonna be here for you. I know I let you down before, I promise that will never  ever happen again.
:'''Hannah''': Right.
:'''Bright''': So it's gonna be me and you, just best friends, for life.
:'''Hannah''': For life.
:''[They hug]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': Come on, I want to ask you something.
:'''Nina''': I don't have any shoes on.
:'''Andy''': Doesn't matter, you won't need them.
:''[They leave Andy's house and walk to the front of Nina's]''
:'''Andy''': This is where we met. You were pregnant with another man's baby and I was fighting with my son. It wasn't a great beginning but it was our beginning. Anyway, you were working on the yard in this exact spot which I thought was very odd because there was still snow everywhere.
:'''Nina''': And I remember.
:'''Andy''': The next time I saw you, you invited me into your house. We drank coffee and we talked, and I remember thinking when I left that it wasn't just a coincidence that I ended up buying that house. It was fate. Someone was trying to tell us something. You know how I feel about you, Nina. I'm in love with you. I have been for a long time and I can't imagine anyone else I'd rather spend the rest of my life with. So... [He gets the engagement ring]'' I know you've seen it already.
:'''Nina''': No, I haven't. I never looked at it, I promise.
:'''Andy''': Oh. This makes this part more fun. ''[He gets on his knees]'' Nina Feeney, will you marry me?
:'''Nina''': Yes, I will.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ephram runs downstairs and outside, and sees the Ferris wheel, with Amy in front of it. He stops and stares at it]''
:'''Amy''': Don't say anything yet. I wanna go first, and since I brought the Ferris wheel I figured you'd let me. Okay, um. Four years ago, you came to my little town, and you changed my life. I never thought that one person could do that to another, but you did. And from the moment I met you and each moment after that, somehow everything that happened to me, kept coming back to you. I don't know if the Ferris wheel reminds you of anything...
:'''Ephram''': Are you kidding me? How could I forget our first Thawfest? It's when you first told me your nickname was Grover.
:'''Amy''': I can't believe you remember that.
:'''Ephram''': I remember everything about us, Amy.
:'''Amy''': Me, too. See, that's the thing. Every time I try to forget the feelings that I have for you, they just... they just keep coming back, and now they're back, and I don't want to push them down anymore. I don't wanna run away from us. Because I never want to lose you again, I just want to be with you, next to you, wherever you are. And I'm sorry that it took me so long to figure it out, I really am, because I hate all the time that we lost and I know it's my fault and I just really hope that you can forgive me.
:'''Ephram''': Amy.
:'''Amy''': Because I love you, Ephram. I love you.
:''[Ephram kisses her]''
:'''Ephram''': Is it my turn yet? Good. Because I love you, too. I knew it then. I know it now. I'll know it always. You're it, Amy. You're my one.
:'''Amy''': I am?
:'''Ephram''': You always have been.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Treat Williams|Treat Williams]] - Dr. Andrew &quot;Andy&quot; Brown
* [[w:Gregory Smith (actor)|Gregory Smith]] - Ephram Brown
* [[w:Emily VanCamp|Emily VanCamp]] - Amy Nicole Abbott
* [[w:Debra Mooney|Debra Mooney]] - Edna Harper
* [[w:John Beasley (actor)|John Beasley]] - Irv Harper
* [[w:Vivien Cardone|Vivien Cardone]] - Delia Brown
* [[w:Chris Pratt|Chris Pratt]] - Harold Brighton &quot;Bright&quot; Abbott
* [[w:Tom Amandes|Tom Amandes]] - Dr. Harold &quot;Hal&quot; Abbott, Jr.
* [[w:Stephanie Niznik|Stephanie Niznik]] - Nina Feeney
* [[w:Merrilyn Gann|Merrilyn Gann]] - Rose Abbott
* [[w:Nora Zehetner|Nora Zehetner]] - Laynie Hart
* [[w:Marcia Cross|Marcia Cross]] - Dr. Linda Abbott
* [[w:Sarah Lancaster|Sarah Lancaster]] - Madison Kellner
* [[w:Anne Heche|Anne Heche]] - Amanda Hayes
* [[w:Scott Wolf|Scott Wolf]] - Dr. Jake Hartman
* [[w:Sarah Drew|Sarah Drew]] - Hannah Rogers
* [[w:Justin Baldoni|Justin Baldoni]] - Reid Bardem

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0318883|title=Everwood}}

[[Category:2000s American teen drama TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:WB shows]]</text>
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    <title>Fawlty Towers</title>
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'''''[[w:Fawlty Towers|Fawlty Towers]]''''' (1975&amp;ndash;1979) was a [[w:BBC|BBC]] television [[w:sitcom|sitcom]] about hotel owner Basil Fawlty's incompetence, short fuse, and arrogance that form a combination that ensures accidents and trouble are never far away.
:''Written by [[John Cleese]] and [[w:Connie Booth|Connie Booth]].''

== Series 1 ==
=== ''A Touch of Class'' ===
:''[Classical music is playing in the background. Basil is putting up a picture. Sybil walks in.]''
:'''[[w:Sybil Fawlty|Sybil]]''': Don't forget the menu.
:'''[[w:Basil Fawlty (Fawlty Towers)|Basil]]''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Sybil''': Don't forget the menu.
:'''Basil''': I thought you said you want— Right! I'll do the menu!
:''[He puts down the picture, walks over to a typewriter and sits down.]''
:'''Sybil''': You could have had them ''both'' done by now if you hadn't spent the whole morning skulking in there listening to that racket.
:'''Basil''': Racket? That's ''Brahms''! Brahms' ''Third Racket!''
:''[pause]''
:'''Basil''': ''[mutters]'' All morning? I've only had two bars!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Basil''': Hello, Fawlty Towers. Ah, yes, Mr. O'Reilly. Well, it's quite simple. When I asked you to build me a wall, I was rather thinking that instead of just dumping the bricks down in a pile, you might find time to cement them together one on top of the other in the traditional fashion. ''[to Melbury]'' Could you fill it in, please? ''[to O'Reilly]'' Oh, splendid! Yes, but when, Mr. O'Reilly? ''[to Melbury]'' There. There. ''[to O'Reilly]'' Yes, but when? Ah, I see: the flu. ''[to Melbury]'' ''Both'' names, please. ''[to O'Reilly]'' Yes, I should have guessed, Mr. O'Reilly; that and the potato famine, I suppose.
:'''Melbury''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': Could you put both your names please? ''[to O'Reilly]'' Well, can you give me a date?
:'''Melbury''': I only use one.
:'''Basil''': You don't have a first name?
:'''Melbury''': No. I am ''Lord'' Melbury, so I simply sign &quot;Melbury.&quot;
:'''Basil''': ''[Now realising that Melbury is of high class]'' ''[to O'Reilly]'' Go away. ''[hangs up]'' So sorry to have kept you waiting, your lordship. I do apologise.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Basil''': Sybil, I forbid you to open that safe. ''[She does so]'' Sybil, I ''forbid'' you to take that case out! ''[She does so]'' Sybil, you ''cannot'' open that case! I FORBID it! ''[She does so]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Basil''': [to Melbury] Well, how are you, Lord Melbury? 'Ow are yer then? All right, mate? 'Ow's me' old mucker? ''[He gently slaps Lord Melbury on the cheeks and pulls his ears]'' Any valuables to deposit, Sir Richard? Any bricks? ''[Lord Melbury panics and runs away] [to Richard]'' I do apologise...''[to Melbury]'' You bastard!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Basil''': ''[To Sir Richard and Lady Morris]'' Where are you going?
:'''Sir Richard''': We're leaving!!
:'''Basil''': Oh, don't! Please stay. You'll like it here.
:'''Sir Richard''': I've ''never'' been in such a place in my life! ''[They drive away]''
:'''Basil''': ''[yells]'' You ''snobs!'' You stupid, stuck up, toffee-nosed, half-witted, upper class piles of... pus!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mr. Waering''': ''[furious]'' A gin and orange, a lemon squash, and a scotch and water, ''please!''
:'''Basil''': ''[smashing the picture, vexed]'' '''RIGHT'''!!!
:''[He frogmarches Mr. Waering to his table to be served.]''

=== ''[[w:The Builders (Fawlty Towers)|The Builders]]'' ===
:'''Sybil''': O'Reilly, I have seen more intelligent creatures than you lying on their backs at the bottoms of ponds. I have seen better-organised creatures than you running round farmyards with their heads cut off! Now collect your things and get out! I never want to see you or any of your men in my hotel again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Basil''': Ah, hello, Mr. O'Reilly. How are you this morning? Oh, good, good. No rare diseases or anything? Oh, I do beg your pardon: Basil Fawlty, you remember? The poor sod you do jobs for? Well now, how are things your end? Oh, good. Good, good, good. Well now, how would you like to hear about things my end? Oh, well, up to your usual standard I think I can say. A few holes in the floor, the odd door missing; but nothing you can't be sued for.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Basil''': ''[down the phone to O'Reilly]'' ...No, I don't want to debate about it, if you're not over here in twenty minutes with my door I shall come over there and insert a large garden gnome in you. Good day.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Sybil''': ''[Seeing Basil walking down the road with a large garden gnome]'' Where are you going, Basil?
:'''Basil''': Just going to see O'Reilly, dear! ''[mutters]'' Then I think I'll go to Canada.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Manuel''': ''[pretending to talk to someone on the phone]'' Manuel Towers. How are you? Is nice, today. Good! Goodbye.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Delivery man''': Where's the boss?
:'''Manuel''': ¿Que?
:'''Delivery man''': The, the... [[w:Francisco Franco|the generalissimo]]!
:'''Manuel''': ''[looks at him incredulously]'' In Madrid!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Tibbs''': Don't do anything we wouldn't do.
:'''Basil''': Just a little breathing, surely?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Basil''': Are you going to take something like that seriously?!
:'''O'Reilly''': Well... well, I thought I might...
:'''Basil''': YOU THOUGHT YOU ''MIGHT?!?!!'' What kind of man ARE you!?! Are you going to let her talk to us like that?!
:'''O'Reilly''': But she ''did''!!
:'''Basil''': No, no, no, she only ''thinks'' she did. But we'll show her! We're not only going to take ''that'' door out and put the other one back, we're going to add ''that'' new door and block that one off as well. We're going to to the BEST day's work you've EVER done, O'Reilly!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Basil has just tripped over Sybil's garden gnome behind the reception desk]''
:'''Basil''': What is this!! What is this doing here?! What is going on here??
:'''Polly''': Your wife ordered it. Call O'Reilly!
:'''Basil''': That golfing puff-adder?! What does she want a stupid... ''[begins strangling the gnome]''
:'''Polly''': ''[bangs phone on counter]'' CALL O'REILLY!
:'''Basil''': WHAT!?!
:'''Polly''': Shall I call him?
:'''Basil''': No no I'll do it! I'll call him, you go and see if the roof's still on!

=== ''The Wedding Party'' ===
:'''Basil''': Did you ever see that film, ''How To Murder Your Wife''?
:'''[[w:Major Gowen|Major Gowen]]''': &quot;How To Murder Your Wife&quot;?
:'''Basil''': Yes, awfully good. I saw it six times.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Basil''': Always reminds me of somebody machine-gunning a seal.
:'''Major Gowen''': The heat?
:'''Basil''': No, no. My wife's laugh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Basil''': ''[about Sybil's laughter]'' Please don't alarm yourself, it's only my wife laughing. I'm afraid her local finishing school was bombed.
:'''Mrs. Peignoir''': ''[shocked]'' Oh dear!
:'''Basil''': No, no, not really. Just a thought. Well now, what can I get you?
:'''Mrs. Peignoir''': Do you have any [[w:Ricard (drink)|Ricard]]?
:'''Basil''': ''[confused]'' I'm sorry?
:'''Mrs. Peignoir''': Any Ricard?
:'''Basil''': ''[unsure what Ricard is, he pretends to check the bar]'' Uh, we're just out of it, I think...

=== ''The Hotel Inspectors'' ===
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Oh no, come on now, this is quite absurd - sorry, I'm - I do not want the omelet!
:'''Manuel''': Is nice!
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I don't ''want'' the bloody thing, I've sent it back once!
:'''Basil''': Here, give it to me.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I fail to see how this sort of thing can happen!
:'''Basil''': There, I've torn it up. You'll never see it again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Sybil''': Don't shout at me. I've had a difficult morning.
:'''Basil''': Oh, dear, what happened? Did you get entangled in the eiderdown again? Not enough cream in your eclair? Hmmm... or did you have to talk to all your friends for so long that you didn't have time to perm your ears?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Basil''': I would find it a little easier to cope with some of the ''cretins'' we get in here, my little nest of vipers, if I got smidgen of co-operation from you.
:'''Sybil''': Co-operation? That's a laugh. The day you co-operate, you'll be in a wooden box. I've never heard such rudeness.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Basil''': Spoons, eh?
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Sorry?
:'''Basil''': SP-[[w:Blowing a raspberry|THTHTHTHTH]]-OONS!
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': I understand you're in the spoon trade.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Oh, ''yes.'' Yes.
:'''Basil''': Fascinating. How very ''absorbing'' for you.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Well...
:'''Basil''': So much more interesting than being a ''HOTEL INSPECTOR!!''
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Y'What...?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': There is a documentary on BBC2 this evening about Squawking Bird, the leader of the Blackfoot Indians in the late 1860s. Now this starts at 8.45 and goes on for approximately three-quarters of an hour.
:'''Basil''': I'm sorry, are you talking to me?
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Indeed I am, yes. Now is it possible for me to reserve the BBC2 channel for the duration of this televisual feast?
:'''Basil''': Why don't you talk properly?
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': No it isn't.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': What?
:'''Basil''': It is not possible to reserve the BBC2 channel from the commencement of this televisual feast until the moment of the termination of its ending thereof, thank you so much.

=== ''Gourmet Night'' ===
:'''Sybil''': Andre thinks Thursdays are a good idea.
:'''Basil''': Thursday?
:'''Andre''': Hmm I think so.
:'''Basil''': Good! Then on all other days we'll serve up a great big trough of baked beans and garnish it with a couple of dead dogs.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Polly is trying to tell Basil that Kurt is drunk in front of the guests]''
:'''Polly''': He's ''potted'' the shrimps.
:'''Basil''': What?
:'''Polly''': He's ''potted'' the shrimps!
:'''Basil''': Shrimps? Not having shrimps tonight, Polly. Now... ''[starts to walk away with the guests]''
:'''Polly''': He's ''soused!'' ''[beat]'' The herrings.
:'''Basil''': What are you on about?
:'''Polly''': ''[slowly]'' ''He's pickled'' the onions and ''he's smashed'' the eggs in his pot ''[crosses eyes]'' under the table.
:'''Basil''': ''[to the guests]'' Excuse me. ''[to Polly]'' Have you been drinking?
:'''Polly''': No, not me!
:'''Basil''': Then will you behave yourself!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Basil''': He's drunk!
:'''Sybil''': Drunk?
:'''Basil''': ''Drunk! Soused! Potted! Inebriated! Got it?!''
:'''Sybil''': I don't believe it!
:'''Basil''': Neither do I. Perhaps it's a dream. ''[pounds his head on the desk several times, sits up, looks around.]'' Nope, it's not a dream. We're stuck with it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Basil''': ''[yelling at his car]'' Come on! Come on! Start! Start, you vicious bastard! Come on! Oh, my God! I'm warning you! If you don't start... I'll count to three! 1, 2, 3! Right! That's it! ''[leaving the car, he starts yelling at it]'' I've had enough! You've tried it on just ''once too often''! Right! Well, don't say I haven't warned you! I've laid it on the line to you ''time and time again''! Right! Well, this is it! I'm going to give you a ''damn good thrashing''! ''[he leaves the frame, returns holding a branch and starts thrashing the car over the bonnet]''

=== ''The Germans'' ===
:'''Major''': Oh, Fawlty. How's, erm...
:'''Basil''': My wife?
:'''Major''': Er, that's it.
:'''Basil''': Fine. Absolutely fine. They're taking it out tomorrow morning.
:'''Major''': Is she? Good.
:'''Basil''': No, not her, the nail. They're taking it out tomorrow.
:'''Major''': What?
:'''Basil''': The nail! They're taking it out tomorrow.
:'''Major''': H-How did she get a nail in her?
:'''Basil''': No, I thought I told you, Major. She's having her toenail taken out.
:'''Major''': What, just the one of them?
:'''Basil''': It's an ingrowing one, Major.
:'''Major''': If it's causing you pain, you have it out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Major''': Germans, coming here?
:'''Basil''': Oh just for a couple of days.
:'''Major''': I don't care much for Germans.
:'''Basil''': I suppose I see what you mean-
:'''Major''': Bunch of Krauts, that's what they are! All of them! Bad eggs!
:'''Basil''': Well forgive and forget, Major. God knows how, the bastards. Still...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Basil''': ''[calling up the stairs, with Manuel holding onto him]'' Right, ladies and gentlemen, sorry to disturb you. Could I have everyone down here, in the lobby. There is something I think I ought to mention.
:''[The guests all gather in the lobby]''
:'''Miss Gatsby''': What is it?
:'''Basil''': The point is, can I put it this way... ''[high voice]'' Fire.
:'''Miss Gatsby''': ''Fire?''
:'''Basil''': Fire. Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fire!
:'''Major Gowen''': Fire?
:'''Basil''': Fire! Out there. FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!
:''[All the guests leave the hotel]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Basil''': Listen, don't mention the war! I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it alright. ''[returns to the Germans]'' So! It's all forgotten now, and let's hear no more about it. So, that's two egg mayonnaise, [[w:Joseph Goebbels|a prawn Goebbels]], [[w:Hermann Göring|a Hermann Goering]], and [[w:Colditz Castle|four Colditz salads]]. Wait a moment, I got a bit confused here, sorry. Sorry, I got a bit confused because everyone keeps mentioning the war, so could you... what's the matter?
:'''Elder Herr''': It's alright.
:'''Basil''': Is there something wrong?
:'''Elder Herr''': Will you stop talking about the war?
:'''Basil''': ''Me''? You started it!
:'''Elder Herr''': We did ''not'' start it!
:'''Basil''': Yes you did, [[Invasion of Poland|you invaded Poland!]]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Basil is in hospital and a nurse is tending to his injuries]''
:'''Basil''': Don't touch me! I don't know where you've been!
:'''Sister''': Yes, yes. We must have our little jokes, mustn't we?
:'''Basil''': Yes, we must, mustn't we? My God, you're ugly, aren't you? Mind boggling!
:''[The nurse is shocked by Basil's comments]
:'''Sybil''': Basil?!
:'''Sister''': I-I'll get the doctor.
:'''Basil''': You need a plastic surgeon, dear, not a doctor.
:'''Sybil''': How dare you talk to Sister like that. Get back into bed!
:'''Basil''': You do not seem to realise that I am needed at the hotel!
:'''Sybil''': Not they don't. They're managing beautifully without you.
:'''Basil''': Polly cannot cope!
:'''Sybil''': Well she can't fall over waiters or get her head stuck under desks or start burglar alarms or lock people in burning rooms or fire fire extinguishers straight in her own face but I think the hotel can do without that sort of 'coping' for a couple of days. What do you think Basil, hmm?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ms Tibbs''': We don't think you're well, Mr Fawlty.
:'''Basil''': Well perhaps not but I'll live longer than you.
:'''Ms Gatsby''': You must have hurt yourself!
:'''Basil''': My dear woman, a blow on the head like that...is worth two in the bush.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Manuel''': ''[hidden behind front desk, with moose head in plain sight]'' How are YOU, sir? I can speak English. I learn it from a book.

==Series 2==
=== ''Communication Problems'' ===
:'''Mrs. Richards''': What is going on here? I ask him for my room, and he tells me the manager's a &quot;Mr Watt,&quot; aged forty.
:'''[[w:Manuel (Fawlty Towers)|Manuel]]''': No, no. ''Fawlty.''
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Faulty? What's wrong with him?
:'''Polly''': It's all right, Mrs. Richards. He's from Barcelona.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': The manager's from Barcelona?
:'''Manuel''': No, no. He's from, er, Swanage.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Now listen to me. I booked a room with a bath. When I book a room with a bath I expect to get a bath.
:'''Basil''': ''[confused]'' You've got a bath.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': I'm not paying seven pounds twenty pence per night plus V.A.T. for a room without a bath.
:'''Basil''': ''[goes into the bathroom]'' There is your bath.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': ''[looks at it]'' You call that a bath? It's not big enough to drown a mouse. It's disgraceful...
:'''Basil''': ''[sotto]'' Wish you were a mouse, I'd show you...
:'''Mrs. Richards''': And another thing: I asked for a room with a view.
:'''Basil''': ''[to Manuel]'' Deaf, mad, and blind. ''[goes to the window]'' Ah, this is the view as far as I can remember, madam... yes, yes, this is it.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': When I pay for a view, I expect something more interesting than that.
:'''Basil''': That is Torquay, madam.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Well it's not good enough.
:'''Basil''': Well, may I ask what you were expecting to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House, perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically -?
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Don't be silly. I expect to be able to see the sea.
:'''Basil''': You ''can'' see the sea, it's over there between the land and the sky.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': I'd need a telescope to see that.
:'''Basil''': Well, may I suggest that you consider moving to a hotel closer to the sea? ...or preferably in it.
:'''Mrs Richards''': Now listen to me. I am not satisfied, but I've decided to stay. However, I shall expect a reduction.
:'''Basil''': Why, because [[w:Krakatoa|Krakatoa]]'s not erupting at the moment, or...?
:'''Mrs Richards''': Because the room is cold, the bath is too small, the view is invisible, and the radio doesn't work.
:'''Basil''': No, the radio works. ''[sotto]'' You don't.
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?
:'''Basil''': I'll see if I can fix it ''[sotto]'' you scabby old bat. 
:''[He turns it on, loudly; it works fine; Manuel plugs his ears]''
:'''Basil''': I think we got something then?
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?
:'''Basil''': I think we got something then!
:'''Mrs Richards''': ''[looking at Manuel with his fingers in his ears]'' What ''are'' you doing?
:'''Manuel''': Que!?
:''[Basil swats him upside the head]''
:'''Basil''': Madam, don't think me rude, but may I ask, do you by any chance have a hearing aid? 
:'''Mrs Richards''': A what?
:'''Basil''': A HEARING AID!
:'''Mrs Richards''': Yes I do have a hearing aid!
:'''Basil''': Would you like me to get it mended?
:'''Mrs Richards''': Mended? It's working perfectly alright.
:'''Basil''': No it isn't!
:'''Mrs Richards''': I haven't got it turned on at the moment. 
:'''Basil''': Why not?
:'''Mrs Richards''': The battery runs down. Now what sort of reduction are you prepared to give me on this room?
:'''Basil''': ''[sotto]'' 60% if you turn it on.
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?!
:'''Basil''': My wife handles all such matters, I'm sure she will be delighted to discuss it with you.
:'''Mrs Richards''': I shall speak to her after lunch.
:'''Basil''': You heard that alright, didn't you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mrs Richards comes down the stairs]''
:'''Misses Tibbs and Gatsby''': Good afternoon.
:'''Mrs Richards''': First they give me a room without a bath, then there's no lavatory paper. ''[goes to the reception desk and starts banging the bell]''
:'''Misses Tibbs and Gatsby''': Oohh.
:'''Miss Gatsby''': Would you like some of ours?
:'''Miss Tibbs''': We keep an extra supply
:'''Miss Gatsby''': Yes, would you like some of ours?
:''[Mrs Richards ignores them and continues to bang the desk bell]''
:'''Mrs Richards''': Hello! ''[Polly comes out of the office]'' Girl. There's no paper in my room. Why don't you check these things? That's what you're being paid for, isn't it?
:'''Polly''': Well we don't put it in the rooms.
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?
:'''Polly''': We keep it in the lounge.
:'''Mrs Richards''': ''[shocked]'' In the lounge?!
:'''Polly''': I'll get you some. Do you want plain ones, or ones with our address on it?
:'''Mrs Richards''': ''[still shocked]'' Address on it?!
:'''Polly''': How many sheets? ''[Mrs Richards looks appalled]'' Well how many are you going to use?
:'''Mrs Richards''': ''[banging the desk bell]'' Manager!
:'''Polly''': Just enough for one? Tell me!
:'''Mrs Richards''': Manager! Manager!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mrs Richards''': ''[To Polly, after looking everywhere for her glasses]'' Are you blind? They were on my head! Didn't you see them? 
:'''Polly''': Yes!
:'''Mrs Richards''': Didn't God give you eyes?
:'''Polly''': Yes, but I don't use them, because it wears the batteries out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mrs Richards''': ''[Leaving the room]'' I can get down stairs by myself.
:'''Basil''': &quot;Down&quot; the stairs? Oh well, don't stop when you get to the basement! Keep straight on! Give my regards to the Earth's core!
:'''Sybil''': ''[to Mrs Richards]'' Are you sure you can manage?
:'''Basil''': If you give us any more trouble I shall visit you in the small hours and put a bat up your nightdress!
:'''Sybil''': Basil!
:'''Basil''': Well, that was fun, wasn't it dear, the odd moment like that? It's almost worth staying alive for, isn't it? It's nice to share a moment like that, isn't it, dear? It's what marriage is all about. I know - I read about it on the back of a matchbox. 
:'''Sybil''': You know, Basil, sometimes...
:'''Basil''': ''[puts his arm round her waist]'' Seriously, Sybil. Do you remember the first time we were...manacled together - we used to laugh quite a lot.
:'''Sybil''': ''[puts his hand back]'' Yes but not at the same time, Basil. ''[[exits]''
:'''Basil''': Ah, that's true. That was a warning all right, wasn't it? Should have spotted that, shouldn't I? Zhoom! What was that? That was your life, mate! Oh, that was quick. Do I get another? Sorry, mate. That's your lot. 
:'''Sybil''': ''[re-enters]'' Basil.
:'''Basil''': Back to the world of dreams... Yes, dear?
:'''Sybil''': What are we going to do?
:'''Basil''': Give it another fifteen years?

=== ''The Psychiatrist'' ===
:'''Basil''': He gets paid for sticking his nose—
:'''Sybil''': Oh, Basil—
:'''Basil''': No, I'm going to have my say! Into people's private... um... details. Well, just speaking for myself, I don't want a total stranger nosing about in my private parts— details!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sybil''': You're only single once.
:'''Basil''': Twice can be arranged!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Psychiatrist''': There's enough material there for an entire conference.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terry''': Mr. Fawlty, take it easy!
:'''Basil''': Now listen here. I don't pay you to tell me to take it easy. I pay you to take it– no, I pay you to tell you to take it easy, so take it easy!

=== ''Waldorf Salad''===
:'''Mr. Hamilton''': What I'm suggesting is that this place is the crummiest, shoddiest, worst-run hotel in the whole of Western Europe.
:'''Major Gowen''': ''[angrily]'' ''No''! No, I won't have that. There's a place in Eastbourne.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Basil''': This is typical. Absolutely typical... of the kind of... ARSE I have to put up with from you people! You ponce in here, expecting to be waited on hand and foot while I'm trying to run a hotel here! Have you any idea of how much there is to do? Do you ever think of that? Of course not!  You're all too busy sticking your noses into every corner, poking around for things to complain about, aren't you? Well, let me tell you something—this is exactly how Nazi Germany started! A lot of layabouts with nothing better to do than to cause trouble! Well, I've had fifteen years of pandering to the likes of you, and I've had enough! I've had it! Come on, pack your bags and get out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Hamilton''': Could you make me a [[w:Waldorf salad|Waldorf salad]]?
:'''Basil''': ''[puzzled]'' A wal....
:'''Mr. Hamilton''': Waldorf salad.
:'''Basil''': Uh, I think we're just out of Waldorfs.
:'''Mr. Hamilton''': ''[angrily]'' I don't believe this!

=== ''The Kipper and the Corpse'' ===
:'''Basil''': ''[Sarcastically]'' Rosewood, mahogany, teak?
:'''Mr. Leeman''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': What would you like your breakfast tray made out of?
:'''Mr. Leeman''': I don't really mind.
:'''Basil''': Are you sure?  Fine! Well, you go and have a really good night's sleep then, I'm hoping to get a couple hours later on myself but I'll be up in good time to serve you your breakfast in bed. ''[shouting]'' If you can remember to sleep with your mouth open you won't even have to wake up, I'll just drop in small pieces of lightly buttered kipper when you're breathing in the right direction if that doesn't put you out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr Price''': You mean to tell me you didn't realise this man was dead?
:'''Basil''': Well, people don't talk that much in the morning. Look, I'm just delivering a tray, right. If the guest isn't singing &quot;[[w:Oh, What a Beautiful Mornin'|Oh, What a Beautiful Mornin']],&quot; I don't immediately think &quot;Oh, there's another snuffed it in the night! Another name in the Fawlty Towers Book of Remembrance.&quot; I mean, this is supposed to be a hotel, not the Burma railway!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Basil''': Don't say anything to anybody, but he's dead.
:'''Major Gowen''': Ah. Shot, was he?
:'''Basil''': No, No. Died in his sleep.
:'''Major Gowen''': In his sleep. Well, you're off your guard, you see.

&lt;hr wight=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Basil''': I mean, it does say 'hotel' outside. Maybe I should be more precise, 'Hotel for people who have a better than 50% chance of making it through the night'!

=== ''The Anniversary'' ===
:''[After Sybil disappears, Basil is shocked when guests arrive.]''
:'''Basil''': They're here!  They're here! What do I say? ...What am I going to say?
:'''[[w:Polly Sherman|Polly]]''': Oh... say she's... er... um...
:'''Basil''': She's &quot;er, um&quot;—oh, brilliant! Problem solved. She's &quot;er, um.&quot;
:'''Manuel''': Is surprise party.
:'''Basil''': Yes?
:'''Manuel''': She no here.
:'''Basil''': Right?
:'''Manuel''': That is surprise!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Virginia''': There is something very peculiar about all this. I won't stand here while an old friend like Sybil—
:'''Basil''': Look, it's perfectly Sybil. Simple's not well. She lost her throat and her voice hurt. The doctor came and said it was a bit serious. Not a lot; a bit. He went away, she started to puff up, he's coming back later this afternoon, and it's best for her to be on her own. Now what is so peculiar about that?
:'''Roger''': Her driving round in the town.

=== ''Basil the Rat'' ===
:'''Terry''': Look: all kitchens are filthy, Mr. Fawlty. In fact, the better the kitchen, the filthier it is. Have you ever read [[George Orwell]]'s experiences at Maxim's in Paris?
:'''Basil''': No! Do you have a copy? I'll read it out in court!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Manuel''': I say to man in shop &quot;Is rat.&quot; He say &quot;No, no, no. Is a special kind of hamster. Is filigree Siberian hamster.&quot; Only one in shop. He make special price: only five pound.
:'''Basil''': Have you ever heard of the bubonic plague, Manuel? It was very popular here at one time. A lot of pedigree hamsters came over on ships from Siberia.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Carnegie the Public Health Inspector''': Mr. Fawlty?
:'''Basil''': ''[waves]'' Hello!
:'''Mr. Carnegie the Public Health Inspector''': These premises do not come up to the standard required by this authority. Unless appropriate steps are taken instantly, I shall have no alternative but to prosecute or recommend closure to the appropriate committee of the council. Specifically, lack of proper cleaning routines, dirty and greasy filters, greasy and encrusted deep fat fryer, dirty, cracked, and stained food preparation surfaces, dirty, cracked, and missing wall and floor tiles, dirty, marked, and stained utensils, dirty and greasy interior surfaces of the ventilator hoods.
:'''Basil''': About the deep fat fryer...
:'''Mr. Carnegie the Public Health Inspector''': Inadequate temperature control and storage of dangerous foodstuffs, storage of cooked and raw meat in same trays, storage of raw meat above confectionery, with consequent dripping of meat juices onto cream products, refrigerator seals loose and cracked, ice box undefrosted, and refrigerator overstocked.
:'''Basil''': Yes, say no more...
:'''Mr. Carnegie the Public Health Inspector''': ''[continues]''  Food handling routines suspect, evidence of smoking in food preparation area, dirty and grubby food handling overalls, lack of wash handbasin...which you gave us a verbal assurance you'd have installed on our last visit six months ago... and two dead pigeons in the water tank.
:'''Basil''': Otherwise, okay?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sybil''': ''[Figuring what to do with Manuel's rat]'' Perhaps we could find a home for him.
:'''Basil''': Alright, I'll put an ad in the papers, &quot;Wanted: kind home for enormous savage rodent! Answers to the name of Sybil.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The rat's head pokes out of the biscuit tray]''
:'''Basil''': ''[To Mr. Carnegie]'' W-W-Would you care for a rat, or...?
:''[Awkward pause]'' 
:'''Basil''': Just the biscuits then, please, Polly.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.40towers.co.uk Fawlty Towers - Fan Site]
* [http://www.fawltytowersonline.com Fawlty Towers - Online]
* {{imdb title|id=0072500|title=Fawlty Towers}}
[[Category:BBC shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:UK sitcoms]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:UK workplace comedy TV shows]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>SpongeBob SquarePants</title>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-26T20:08:26Z</timestamp>
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----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 1|1]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 2|2]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 3|3]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 4|4]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 5|5]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 6|6]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 7|7]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 8|8]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 9|9]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 10|10]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 11|11]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 12|12]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 13|13]] ([[SpongeBob SquarePants|Main]]) | '''Movies''': [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water|Sponge Out of Water]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run|Sponge on the Run]] | '''Spin-offs:''' [[Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years|Kamp Koral]] / [[The Patrick Star Show]]
----
'''''SpongeBob SquarePants''''' is an American animated television series that airs on Nickelodeon. The show follows the adventures of the title character and his various friends in the underwater city, and being pursed by the evil Plankton. It spawned [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie|a movie]], followed by several short films, and video games.

== Seasons ==
: [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 1|Season 1]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 2|2]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 3|3]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 4|4]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 5|5]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 6|6]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 7|7]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 8|8]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 9|9]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 10|10]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 11|11]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 12|12]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 13|13]]

===Opening===
:''[opening sequence]''
:'''Painting''': Are you ready kids?
:'''Kids''': Aye Aye Captain!
:'''Painting''': I can't hear you!
:'''Kids''': Aye Aye Captain!
:'''Painting, Kids''': Ohhhh... Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
:'''Kids''': SpongeBob SquarePants! ''[the hand puts SpongeBob's pants on]''
:'''Painting''': Absorbent and yellow and porous is he!
:'''Kids''': SpongeBob SquarePants!
:'''Painting''': If nautical nonsense be somethin' you wish.
:'''Kids''': SpongeBob SquarePants!
:'''Painting''': Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish!
:'''Painting, Kids''': Ready? SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob SquarePannnnnts!
:''[Painty laughs heartily. SpongeBob plays flute using his nose]''

===Films===
* ''[[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie]]''
* ''[[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water|Sponge Out of Water]]''
* ''[[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run|Sponge on the Run]]''

===Spin-off shows===
* ''[[Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years]]''
* ''[[The Patrick Star Show]]''


==Repeated quotes==
* '''SpongeBob''': &quot;I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!&quot;
* '''Patrick''': &quot;Oh, barnacles!&quot;
* '''SpongeBob and Patrick''': &quot;Aw, tartar sauce!&quot;
* '''Patrick''': &quot;Good morning, Krusty Crew!&quot;
* '''Mr. Krabs''': &quot;Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar!&quot;
* '''Mermaid Man''': &quot;EEEEVILLL!!!&quot;
* '''Patrick''': &quot;Aw, fish paste!&quot;
* '''Fred''': &quot;My leg!&quot;
* '''Sandy''': &quot;Yee-haw!&quot;
* '''Plankton''': &quot;I went to college!&quot;
* '''Pearl''': &quot;Thanks, Dad.&quot;

== Time cards ==
*'''A few moments later.'''
*'''2 hours later.'''
*'''So much later that the old narrator got tired of waiting and they had to hire a new one.'''

== About ==
* The main thing missing from cartoons is today that old cartoons were cartoony. They did things you can't do in any other medium. Today's cartoons are very conservative and are more like live action. The characters look the same in every frame of the dang cartoon. The old cartoons squashed, stretched, and did crazy expressions. They were imaginative and crazy. A lot of cartoons aren't imaginative, they just say things. It might as well be radio. There is no point in having anything to look at in modern cartoons. But you can't say that about every cartoon. [[w:Genndy Tartakovsky|Genndy Tartakovsky]]'s cartoons are beautiful. The closest thing now to what I'm saying is ''[[w:SpongeBob SquarePants|SpongeBob]]'' but even that doesn't go very far. It's like a conservative version of ''Ren &amp; Stimpy''.
** [[John Kricfalusi]] interview (Oct 12, 2004), &quot;[http://suicidegirls.com/interviews/John%20Kricfalusi/ John Kricfalusi, interview]&quot;, ''SuicideGirls'', retrieved 2011-03-01

== SpongeBob SquarePants (character) ==
=== Full name ===
* '''SpongeBob SquarePants'''

=== Aliases ===
* '''Mr. SquarePants'''
* '''Buddy'''
* '''Boy'''
* '''Spongy'''

=== Occupation ===
* '''Fry cook at the Krusty Krab'''

=== Alignment ===
* '''Good'''

=== Relatives ===
* '''Margaret SquarePants''' &lt;small&gt;(mother)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Herb SquarePants''' &lt;small&gt;(father)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Captain Blue''' and '''Sherman SquarePants''' &lt;small&gt;(uncles)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Grandma SquarePants''' &lt;small&gt;(grandmother)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''BlackJack''', '''Stanley''', '''Todd''' and '''Larry SquarePants''' &lt;small&gt;(cousins)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Gary''' &lt;small&gt;(pet snail)&lt;/small&gt;

=== Allies ===
* '''[[w:Patrick Star|Patrick Star]]''' &lt;small&gt;(best friend)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''[[w:Sandy Cheeks|Sandy Cheeks]]''' &lt;small&gt;(best friend and love interest)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''[[w:Squidward Tentacles|Squidward Tentacles]]'''
* '''[[w:Mr. Krabs|Mr. Krabs]]'''
* '''[[w:Mrs. Puff|Mrs. Puff]]'''
* '''[[w:Plankton and Karen|Sheldon Plankton]]''' &lt;small&gt;(sometimes)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''[[w:Plankton and Karen|Karen Plankton]]'''
* '''King Neptune'''
* '''Princess Mindy''' &lt;small&gt;(close friend)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Fred'''
* '''Floyd and Lloyd'''
* '''[[w:David Hasselhoff|David Hasselhoff]]'''
* '''Bubbles'''
* '''Sage'''
* '''King Poseidon'''

=== Enemies ===
* '''[[w:Plankton and Karen|Sheldon Plankton]]''' &lt;small&gt;(archenemy)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Burger-Beard the Pirate''' &lt;small&gt;(secondary archenemy)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''The Cyclops'''
* '''Dennis'''
* '''El Diablo'''
* '''King Poseidon''' &lt;small&gt;(formerly)&lt;/small&gt;

=== Voice ===
* '''[[Tom Kenny]]''' &lt;small&gt;(1999–present)&lt;/small&gt;

==External Links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commons category}}
* [http://www.nick.com/all_nick/tv_supersites/SpongeBob/bobintro.html?_requestid=197154 Nick.com] &amp;ndash; Official site
* [http://www.nick.com.au Nick Australia] &amp;ndash; The Nick Shack
* [http://www.en.spongepedia.bimserver.com SpongePedia] &amp;ndash; A SpongeBob Wiki from [[w:Wikia|Wikia]]
* [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0206512/quotes SpongeBob SquarePants Quotes] on IMDB
[[Category:1990s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:1990s American surreal comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American surreal comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American surreal comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American surreal comedy TV shows]]
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[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
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[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
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[[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants]]
[[Category:Nicktoons]]
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    <title>William J. Brennan, Jr.</title>
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      <comment>Replacing US_Supreme_Court_Justice_William_Brennan_-_1976_official_portrait.jpg with [[File:US_Supreme_Court_Justice_William_Brennan_-_1972_official_portrait.jpg]] (by [[:c:User:CommonsDelinker|CommonsDelinker]] because: [[:c:COM:FR|File renamed]]: [[:c:C</comment>
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      <text bytes="6134" xml:space="preserve">[[File:US Supreme Court Justice William Brennan - 1972 official portrait.jpg|thumb|right|The Constitution was framed fundamentally as a bulwark against governmental power, and preventing the arbitrary administration of punishment is a basic ideal of any society that purports to be governed by the rule of law.]]
'''[[w:William J. Brennan, Jr.|William Joseph Brennan, Jr.]]''' (April 25, 1906 – July 24, 1997) was an [[w:Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States|Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States]] from 1956 to 1990.

{{people-stub}}

==Quotes==
* Sex, a great and mysterious motive force in human life, has indisputably been a subject of absorbing interest to mankind through the ages.
** Writing for the court, ''[[w:Roth v. United States|Roth v. United States]]'', 354 U.S. 476 (1957).

* We consider this case against the background of a profound national commitment to the principle that '''debate on public issues should be uninhibited, robust, and wide-open, and that it may well include vehement, caustic, and sometimes unpleasantly sharp attacks on government and public officials.'''
** Writing for the court, ''[[w:New York Times Co. v. Sullivan|New York Times Co. v. Sullivan]]'', 376 U.S. 254 (1964).

* &quot;If the right to privacy means anything, it is the right of the individual, married or single, to be free from unwarranted government intrusion into matters so fundamentally affecting a person as the decision whether to bear or begat a child.&quot;
** Writing for the court, ''[[w:Eisenstadt v. Baird|Eisenstadt v. Baird]]'', 405 U.S. 438 (1972).

* Our Nation has had a long and unfortunate history of sex discrimination, rationalized by an attitude of 'romantic paternalism' which, in practical effect, put women, not on a pedestal, but in a cage.
** Writing for the court, ''[[w:Frontiero v. Richardson|Frontiero v. Richardson]]'', 411 U.S. 677 (1973).

* More fundamentally, however, the answer to petitioners' objection is that '''there can be no impairment of executive power, whether on the state or federal level, where actions pursuant to that power are impermissible under the Constitution. Where there is no power, there can be no impairment of power.'''
** Writing for the court, ''Elrod v. Burns'', 427 U.S. 347, 353 (1976).

* The genius of the Constitution rests not in any static meaning it might have had in a world that is dead and gone, but in the adaptability of its great principles to cope with current problems and current needs.
** Speech to the Text and Teaching Symposium at Georgetown University (October 12, 1985).

* &quot;The framers discerned fundamental principles.... But our acceptance of the fundamental principles has not and should not bind us to those precise, at times anachronistic, contours. '''We current justices read the Constitution in the only way that we can: as 20th-century Americans'''... The ultimate question must be, what do the words of the text mean in our time? For the genius of the Constitution rests not in any static meaning it might have had in a world that is dead and gone, but in the adaptability of its great principles to cope with current problems and current needs. What the constitutional fundamentals meant to the wisdom of other times cannot be their measure to the vision of our time. Similarly, what those fundamentals mean for us, our descendants will learn, cannot be their measure to the vision of their time.
** Speech to the Text and Teaching Symposium at Georgetown University (October 12, 1985).

* No doubt, there are those who believe that judges-and particularly dissenting judges-write to hear themselves say, as it were, I I I. And no doubt, there are also those who believe that judges are, like Joan Didion, primarily engaged in the writing of fiction. I cannot agree with either of those propositions.
** ''In Defense of Dissents'', 37 Hastings L. J. 427, 428 (1985-1986).

* The Constitution was framed fundamentally as a bulwark against governmental power, and preventing the arbitrary administration of punishment is a basic ideal of any society that purports to be governed by the rule of law.
** Dissenting, ''[[w:McCleskey v. Kemp|McCleskey v. Kemp]]'', 481 U.S. 279 (1987).

* '''If there is a bedrock principle of the First Amendment, it is that the government may not prohibit the expression of an idea simply because society finds the idea itself offensive or disagreeable.'''
**[https://www.loc.gov/item/usrep491397/ ''Texas vs. Johnson''], 491 US 397 (1989)

* Yet the ultimate problem is more fundamental. I have long believed that the death penalty is in all circumstances a barbaric and inhuman punishment that violates our Constitution. Even the most vile murderer does not release the state from its constitutional obligation to respect human dignity, for the state does not honor the victim by emulating the murderer who took his life. The fatal infirmity of capital punishment is that it treats members of the human race as non-humans, as objects to be toyed with and discarded.
** Writing in ''Reason and Passion: Justice Brennan's Enduring Influence'' (1997).

* The machinery chugs on unabated, belching out its dehumanizing product. It is distressing. But I refuse to despair. I know, one day, the Supreme Court will outlaw the death penalty. Permanently.
** Writing in ''Reason and Passion: Justice Brennan's Enduring Influence'' (1997).

* If our free society is to endure, and I know it will, those who govern must recognize that the Framers of the Constitution limited their power in order to preserve human dignity and the air of freedom which is our proudest heritage.
** Writing in ''Reason and Passion: Justice Brennan's Enduring Influence'' (1997).

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Brennan, William J., Jr}}
[[Category:Lawyers from the United States]]
[[Category:Justices of the Supreme Court of the United States]]
[[Category:Catholics from the United States]]
[[Category:1906 births]]
[[Category:1997 deaths]]
[[Category:People from Newark]]
[[Category:Judges]]
[[Category:Presidential Medal of Freedom recipients]]

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  <page>
    <title>That '70s Show</title>
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----
:'''Season''' [[That '70s Show (season 1)|1]] [[That '70s Show (season 2)|2]] [[That '70s Show (season 3)|3]] [[That '70s Show (season 4)|4]] [[That '70s Show (season 5)|5]] [[That '70s Show (season 6)|6]] [[That '70s Show (season 7)|7]] [[That '70s Show  (season 8)|8]] | [[That '70s Show|'''Main''']]
----

'''''[[w:That '70s Show|That '70s Show]]''''' (1998–2006) is an American television sitcom centered on the lives of a group of teenagers living in the fictional town of Point Place, Wisconsin during the late 1970s. 

== Seasons ==
::[[That '70s Show (season 1)|Season 1]]
::[[That '70s Show (season 2)|Season 2]]
::[[That '70s Show (season 3)|Season 3]]
::[[That '70s Show (season 4)|Season 4]]
::[[That '70s Show (season 5)|Season 5]]
::[[That '70s Show (season 6)|Season 6]]
::[[That '70s Show (season 7)|Season 7]]
::[[That '70s Show (season 8)|Season 8]]

== Cast ==
* [[w:Topher Grace|Topher Grace]] - [[w:Eric Forman|Eric Forman]] (Season 1-8)
* [[w:Laura Prepon|Laura Prepon]] - [[w:Donna Pinciotti|Donna Pinciotti]] (Season 1-8)
* [[w:Danny Masterson|Danny Masterson]] - [[w:Steven Hyde|Steven Hyde]] (Season 1-8)
* [[w:Ashton Kutcher|Ashton Kutcher]] - [[w:Michael Kelso|Michael Kelso]] (Season 1-8)
* [[w:Mila Kunis|Mila Kunis]] - [[w:Jackie Burkhart|Jackie Burkhart]] (Season 1-8)
* [[w:Wilmer Valderrama|Wilmer Valderrama]] - [[w:Fez (That '70s Show)|Fez]] (Season 1-8)
* [[w:Josh Meyers|Josh Meyers]] - [[w:Randy Pearson|Randy Pearson]] (Season 8)
* [[w:Debra Jo Rupp|Debra Jo Rupp]] - [[w:Kitty Forman|Kitty Forman]] (Season 1-8)
* [[w:Kurtwood Smith|Kurtwood Smith]] - [[w:Red Forman|Reginald &quot;Red&quot; Forman]] (Season 1-8)
* [[Don Stark]] - [[w:Midge and Bob Pinciotti|Bob Pinciotti]] (Season 1-8)
* [[w:Tanya Roberts|Tanya Roberts]] - [[w:Midge and Bob Pinciotti|Midge Pinciotti]] (Season 1-3, 6 &amp; 7)
* [[w:Lisa Robin Kelly|Lisa Robin Kelly]] - [[w:Laurie Forman|Laurie Forman]] (Season 1-3 &amp; 5)
* [[w:Tommy Chong|Tommy Chong]] - [[w:Leo (That '70s Show)|Leo]] (Season 2-4, 7 &amp; 8)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0165598|title=That '70s Show}}

[[Category:1990s American teen sitcoms]]
[[Category:2000s American teen sitcoms]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:FOX shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:That '70s Show]]
[[Category:TV shows about teenagers]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Farscape</title>
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      <text bytes="64835" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Farscape|Farscape]]''''' is a science-fiction TV series ([[w:1999|1999]] - [[w:2004|2004]]) about an astronaut who ends up on the other side of the galaxy after crashing into a [[w:wormhole|wormhole]] during the test flight of his space module [[w:Farscape One|Farscape-1]]. Here he joins a group of escaping prisoners on board a living ship.

== Season 1 ==
=== ''Premiere'' ===
:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': There's life out here, Dad. Weird, amazing, psychotic life. And death. In [[w:Technicolor|Technicolor]]. Hey, Dad, you know those rattlers in the stomach we talked about? Well, I've got them now.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': Boy, was [[w:Stephen Speilberg|Spielberg]] ever wrong. [[w:Close Encounters of the Third Kind|Close Encounters]] my ass.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dominar Rygel XVI|Rygel]]''': I'm Rygel the Sixteenth, dominar to over six hundred billion people. I don't need to talk to you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Aeryn Sun|Aeryn]]''': He claims to be a human from a planet called Erp.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Jack Crichton|Jack Crichton]]''': ''[before John's launch]'' Son, I can't help being who I am. Who I was.
:'''John Crichton''': It's not who you are, Dad: I love who you are. It's being ''son'' of who you are. ''[nervous chuckle]'' Look, I... can't be your kind of hero.
:'''Jack Crichton''': No, you can't be. But each man gets a chance to be his own kind of hero. Your time will come, and when it does, watch out. Chances are it'll be the last thing you ever expected.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Press representative''': ''[explaining theory behind Farscape One project]'' Ladies and gentlemen of the press, at 26:14 on the flight clock, we begin the major experiment of this shuttle mission. Commander John Crichton will pilot a craft of his own design in a dangerous attempt to use our planet's gravity as a speed booster, slingshotting him off into space at previously unrecorded speeds. If successful, the results are anticipated as the first concrete steps toward interstellar travel.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': ''[seeing Moya for the first time]'' That's big. That's really big.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rygel''': I found the manifest. We were scheduled for transfer to Terron-Ra.
:'''[[w:Ka D'Argo|D'Argo]]''': That's a lifer's colony!
:'''John Crichton''': ''[surprised]'' Prisoner... you're escaped prisoners?
:'''D'Argo''': ''[solemnly]'' I will not be taken prisoner again.
:'''Rygel''': ''[noticing Crichton]'' They brought you on board, didn't they? Don't worry, I'll protect you. I look after you now, you look after me later.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Pa'u Zotoh Zhaan|Zhaan]]''': ''[after initial starburst]'' Pilot, does Moya know where we are?
:'''[[w:Pilot (Farscape)|Pilot]]''': Yes, of course! We're someplace else. I'll... get back to you on the specifics.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rygel''': ''[about an unusual aspect of Hynerian physiology]'' It's a perfectly natural bodily function. And it's odorless.
:'''D'Argo''': So your loyal subjects tell you!
:'''John Crichton:''' You fart ''helium''?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Bialar Crais|Crais]]''': ''[to Crichton]'' A human? It will require some study. I will personally enjoy pulling you apart to see what you're made of.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''John Crichton''': ''[with pulse pistol, to Peacekeeper guards]'' Don't move! Or I'll fill you full of... little yellow bolts of light!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aeryn Sun''': It's my duty, it's my breeding since birth. It's what I am.
:'''John Crichton''': You can be more.

=== ''I, ET'' ===

:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': It’s just like a VCR, except easier.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': We can stick our heads between our legs and kiss our asses goodbye. It’s a saying.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': The sound is doing something to my eye. Feels like it’s melting my brain. It couldn’t actually be doing something to my brain, could it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dominar Rygel XVI|Rygel]]''': [I'm] aquatic. That's water, not mud. Mud is mud. You can't breathe in it, you can't move in it. It holds you, it grabs you, it sucks you down. You want to know about mud? I know about mud!
:'''Crichton''': The guy knows mud.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': ''[stepping out onto the planet for the first time]'' Kinda like Louisiana. Or Dagobah.
:''[Aeryn looks at him]''
:'''Crichton''': Dagobah. Where [[Yoda]] lives.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': Look, I understand what a phenomenal moment this is for you.
:'''Lyneea''': Do you? ''Can'' you? I mean, to you space-travel is commonplace. But to us, here, I mean in one flash....
:'''Crichton''': ....you learn that you're not alone in the universe. That interstellar space travel is possible, that a zillion of your empirical facts about science and religion are wrong, or completely suspect? I do understand.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': You know, when I was your age, I used to dream about meeting a real, live alien.
:'''Fostro''': Yeah. Me too.

=== ''Exodus from Genesis'' ===

:'''[[w:Dominar Rygel XVI|Rygel]]''': Mother always said I was the best looking. That's why she had my older brothers banished. She said my face belonged on the Imperial seal.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Aeryn Sun|Aeryn]]''': No offense, human, but what could I possibly need from you?
:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': Manners, personality, stock tips.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aeryn''': ''[about Peacekeeper commandos]'' I'm sure your world has no force so ruthless, so disciplined.
:'''Crichton''': Oh, we call them linebackers. Or serial killers, depends on if they're... professional or amateur.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''D'Argo''': ''[to differentiate themselves from their clones]'' We will cut off the tip of our small finger for identification.
:'''Crichton''': ''[with can of spray paint]'' How about something a little less permanent?

=== ''Throne for a Loss'' ===

:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': Stimulant? That’s a little more than cappuccino, pal. Our friend just tried to kill us!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': That’s your plan? Wile E. Coyote would come up with a better plan than that!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': Next time you hit me, make sure I don’t wake up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dominar Rygel XVI|Rygel]]''': If you must address me, do so as Your Supreme Eminence. Which you should be doing anyway.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Pa'u_Zotoh_Zhaan|Zhaan]]''': Soft, yes. Weak, no.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zhaan''': Am I the only species in creation that doesn't thrive on conflict?

=== ''Back and Back and Back to the Future'' ===

:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': Open your ears, or your tentacles, or whatever orifice it is you listen with!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': Ask me later. Just ask me later when I’ve got more time. Of course I could be dead three or four times by the time you ask.

=== ''Thank God It's Friday. Again'' ===

:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': This is the end of hyper rage? I get hugged to death?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Aeryn Sun|Aeryn]]''': Nobody knows you here. It's only people who know you that want to kill you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aeryn''':  She gives me a woody. ''[Crichton looks at her]'' Woody. Human saying. I've heard you say it often when you don't trust someone, or they make you nervous, then they give you—
:'''Crichton''': The willies! She gives you the willies.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aeryn''': Yes, well, the day that they prove that is the day I let Palmonian meat hounds tear all the flesh from my bones.

=== ''PK Tech Girl'' ===

:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': They spit fire? How come no one tells me this stuff? How come no one tells me they spit fire? Aeryn!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': I try to save a life a day. Usually it’s my own.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': Human. It’s kinda like Sebacean, but we haven’t conquered other worlds yet, so we just kick the crap out of each other.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dominar Rygel XVI|Rygel]]''': Long enough for me to see your blue backside meditating, but not long enough for you to touch me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Pa'u_Zotoh_Zhaan|Zhaan]]''': I'm a trusting soul at best, but not to a fault.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zhaan''': There you are. We've been looking all over for you, Rygel. You're making the DRD's nervous.

=== ''That Old Black Magic'' ===

:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': It’s not Kansas, and you’re way too homely to be Auntie Em, but... Come here, Toto.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dominar Rygel XVI|Rygel]]''': John Crichton, unwelcome shipmate. May you have safe transport to the hallowed realm. Actually, not our hallowed realm. That's for Hynerians. Go find your own hallowed realm. With the Ceremony of Passage completed, I declare you officially dead, and claim all your possessions for myself.

=== ''DNA Mad Scientist'' ===

:'''[[w:Dominar Rygel XVI|Rygel]]''': You honestly believe I could find you appealing? I mean, you're so, so, blue!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rygel''': I'm always ravenous when I'm about to take a long journey.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Aeryn Sun|Aeryn]]''': You and the others are trying to get home avoiding Peacekeeper territories. My home is Peacekeeper territories; it's just that I can't ever go back there. Ever.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Pa'u_Zotoh_Zhaan|Zhaan]]''': Rygel, what a surprise. I see you're having something to eat. Is this your third helping or your fourth?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Pilot_(Farscape)|Pilot]]''': If he should ask for it, what body part are you willing to offer for it, your Eminence?

=== ''They've Got A Secret'' ===
:'''Aeryn''': You say you want to go back to this planet of pain and suffering!
:'''Crichton''': Well you guys don't have chocolate.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Pilot''': ...she reallocated some resources.
:'''Rygel''': &quot;Reallocated some resources&quot;?! She starved you and almost suffocated us!

=== ''Till The Blood Runs Clear'' ===

:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': Back off! Get that weapon out of my face before I feed it to you. Now tell your bitch to let my female go.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': I’m Butch. This is Sundance. We're the Hole in the Sky gang.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dominar Rygel XVI|Rygel]]''': I don't think you want to go after her. She said something about leaving her clothes behind.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Aeryn Sun|Aeryn]]''': I am no one's female!

=== ''Rhapsody in Blue'' ===

:'''[[w:Ka D'Argo|D'Argo]]''': Something Crichton said is disturbing me.
:'''[[w:Dominar Rygel XVI|Rygel]]''': Finally! I've been saying that since he arrived.
:'''D'Argo''': It's what he said about us all having the same dream.
:'''Rygel''': It wasn't the same. Mine was better than yours.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': That's my underwear.
:'''[[w:Aeryn Sun|Aeryn]]''': ''[points to tag]'' What does this say?
:'''Crichton''': [[w:Calvin Klein|Calvin]].
:'''Aeryn''': Well, they're not yours.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rygel''': I like my wives pregnant and my ships cold to the touch. That way my feet stay warm and my slumber is uninterrupted.
:'''Crichton''': Wives plural? Big fella! ''[gives him high-five]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Pa'u Zotoh Zhaan|Zhaan]]''': We all visit the precipice. Each one of us must find our own way down.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': It's like Disney on acid! Ten years of really great sex all at the same moment.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zhaan''': I am unimpressed by your masculine memories.

=== ''The Flax'' ===

:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': One thing, just to be absolutely certain, you are the female of your species, right? I’ll take that as a yes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aeryn''': ''[Crichton falls on top of Aeryn and she smiles]''Are you comfortable? Can I get you a pillow?

=== ''Jeremiah Crichton'' ===

:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': Since I left home, I’ve been hunted, beaten, locked up, shanghaied, shot at. I’ve had alien creatures in my face, up my nose, inside my brain, down my pants. This is the first time, the first place, where I’ve felt peace.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': ''[watches as Rygel is being worshipped as a god]'' The slug that would be king.

=== ''Durka Returns'' ===

:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': Come on out, Chiana. Look, I don’t have time to play this game. Durka’s gone [[w:Hannibal Lecter|Hannibal Lecter]] on us.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': Nebari mental cleansing doesn’t get the tough stains out.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Chiana|Chiana]]''': Typical male. Satisfy yourself first.

=== ''A Human Reaction'' ===

:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': They have worlds out there, people that you wouldn’t believe. But they do not have chocolate.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Aeryn Sun|Aeryn]]''': Rain... Is that what you call this? I like it.

=== ''Through the Looking Glass'' ===

:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': Listen, sunshine... You wanna be part of this crew?
:'''[[w:Chiana|Chiana]]''': On your good days!
:'''Crichton''': This ''is'' one of the good days. I thought you were junior Miss Tough-Chick-of-the-Universe?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': I haven't heard of anything like anything happening before. My planet doesn't even go to the moon anymore.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': You'll be happy to know I have a plan.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chiana''': You saw a creature? What kind of creature? The kind we eat? Or the kind that eats us?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Ka_D'Argo|D'Argo]]''': One Mippippippi... Two Mippippippi...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': Oh hell, we're screwed.
:'''[[w:Dominar Rygel XVI|Rygel]]''': Should I disrobe so it's memorable?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Pa'u_Zotoh_Zhaan|Zhaan]]''': My dear, I've kicked more ass than you've sat on.

=== ''A Bug's Life'' ===

:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': Always a party.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Chiana|Chiana]]''': Is everybody aboard this ship kinkoid?

=== ''Nerve'' ===

:'''Crichton''': A little while ago a commando skewered you with his Swiss Peacekeeper army knife.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stark''': ''[raving and pointing]'' ...MY SIDE!  YOUR SIDE!  MY SIDE!  YOUR SIDE!...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': Danger... [[Lost in Space|danger, Will Robinson]]. Beware of the chair... beware of the chair.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': Fetch the comfy chair.

=== ''The Hidden Memory'' ===

:'''[[w:Dominar Rygel XVI|Rygel]]''': My progeny were tiny. Tiny and handsome, like their father.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Ka_D'Argo|D'Argo]]''': I'm coming with you.  If you can be an idiot, I can be an idiot.

=== ''Bone to be Wild'' ===

:'''[[w:Dominar Rygel XVI|Rygel]]''': You're not seriously considering going down there are you? For goodness sake, did you see that thing?
:'''[[w:Ka_D'Argo|D'Argo]]''': You do not have to go down there, Your Flatulence.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': All right, one quick trip to the pharmacy coming up. Out the door, turn left at the creature.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Chiana|Chiana]]''': If your hand is still there in one microt, I'll snap it off and use it as a good luck charm.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''D'Argo''': Zhaan, let me explain to you what is going on inside my nose right now. Large pieces of green mucus, gunk...
:'''Crichton''': D'Argo, D'Argo, no no no. Stop it with the Luxan poetry.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zhaan''': How animalcentric of you, John!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''D'Argo''': No offense, but I say we take this tree-hugger, shove him out the access port, and get the hezmana out of here.

=== ''Family Ties'' ===

:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': It's a [[Jerry Springer]] kind of family. But for what it's worth, Zhaan, you are family.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Aeryn Sun|Aeryn]]''': Oh, just to be in the warm glow of all this testosterone.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': How you doing?
:'''[[w:Ka_D'Argo|D'Argo]]''': I have to pee. ''[Both start laughing]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''D'Argo''': She was vague to the point that I suspect she doesn't have a clue.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''D'Argo''': Fear accompanies the possibility of death. Calm shepherds its certainty.
:'''Crichton''': I love hanging with you, man.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': ''[seeing the burning moon]'' Hey you bastards... John Crichton Was Here!

== Season 2 ==
=== ''Mind The Baby'' ===

:'''[[w:D'Argo|D'Argo]]''': As John once said, I would rather go down on a swing!
:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': Swinging.  Go down swinging.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': How many times have we been close?
:'''[[w:Aeryn Sun|Aeryn]]''': ''[Looking at D'Argo and whispering back]'' Just the once.
:'''Crichton''': ''[quietly]'' No, no no no. not that kind of close.
:'''Aeryn''': Oh, you mean friend close. Umm, ''[clears throat]'' more than once. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dominar Rygel XVI|Rygel]]''': May your afterlife be almost as pleasant as mine.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': Fine, just— ditch the firm, fly to Maui, shack up with the super model—BUT YOU DO NOT GET TO KEEP THE PORSCHE!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''D'Argo''': Paper cannot possibly beat rock.
:'''Crichton''': It does. Paper beats rock.
:'''D'Argo''': Rock rips through paper.
:'''Crichton''': D'Argo, that's not how it works. Paper beats rock.
:'''D'Argo''': That's unrealistic.

=== ''Vitas Mortis'' ===

:'''[[w:Chiana|Chiana]]''': You know until today, I never really realized how much I love my feet.

=== ''Taking the Stone'' ===

:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': Aeryn, what the hell is wrong with you? You are the pin up girl for frontal assault.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Ka D'Argo|D'Argo]]''': You robbed the dead!
:'''[[w:Rygel|Rygel]]''': And believe me, that wasn't as easy as it sounds.

=== ''Crackers Don't Matter'' ===

:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': I got great eyes; they're better than 20/20, and they're blue!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': Bingo! Give Brainiac the fluffy doll!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': Is that it, Sparky? Gonna take the road well-traveled? Gonna play dumb? ''[singing]'' I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream! Baskin Robbins, Ben and Jerry’s, Good Humor. What’s your favorite—creamsicle or fudgesicle?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Aeryn Sun|Aeryn]]''': Next time you'll be a crouton, Crichton!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Chiana|Chiana]]''': I'm having sex with 3 hynerian donkeys; what does it look like I'm doing? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Pilot_(Farscape)|Pilot]]''': I'm only judging on my experience with you, but I've never seen such a deficient species.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': I'm not deficient. I'm superior! Humans. Are. Superior.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''T'raltixx''': ''[repeated line]'' I need more light! ''More light!''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Scorpius hallucination/Harvey''': Revenge is a dish best served cold, and you like revenge, don't you, John?
:'''Crichton''': Shut up! I hate it when villains quote [[Shakespeare]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Scorpius hallucination/Harvey''': ''[in a Hawaiian shirt, about Aeryn]'' Kill her! Then we'll have pizza! ''[holds up bottles]'' And margarita shooters! Go on, John, do it. Do it!
:'''Crichton''': ''[points both his weapons at Scorpius]'' No one has margaritas with pizza!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': ''[about the paste Zhaan is spreading on his face]'' What the hell is this?
:'''Zhaan''': Heat-deflecting paste; you'll burn up in there without it.
:'''Crichton''': Smells like puke.
:'''Zhaan''': I pre-digested it to increase its potency.
:'''Crichton''': It's ''puke?!''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pilot''': While vaguely concerned about you, I am much more interested in how this will affect Moya.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': The ionic radiation gives her photogasms, unless she's faking it. They can do that, you know. Hey, Zhaan, you faking it? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rygel''': I never run away. I... strategically maneuver.

=== ''The Way We Weren't'' ===

:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': I don't think Pilot's in a &quot;Leviathan for Dummies&quot; mood right now...

=== ''Picture if You Will'' ===

:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': Maldis! C’mon you old bastard, show your ugly face. Haven’t you read the super villain’s handbook? This is where you’re supposed to twirl your mustache and gloat.
:'''Maldis''': I don't have a mustache John.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maldis''': As you said, this magical-mystery crap's not your thing.

=== ''Home on the Remains'' ===
:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': Hey Blue! Delivery. It’s not exactly Dominos, but it got here in less than 30 minutes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': You can eat anything if it's fried.

=== ''Dream a Little Dream'' ===

:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': Screw’em Zhaanie. You’re a tenth level Pa’u, you get to eleven, we get a TV ministry.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dominar Rygel XVI|Rygel]]''': We haven't lied yet. Of course the trial has only been on for a few microts.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jar Rouin''': Trust me, I'm a lawyer.

=== ''Out of Their Minds'' ===

:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': Have we sent the &quot;don’t shoot us we're pathetic&quot; transmission yet?
:'''D'Argo''': That was actually the first thing we tried.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dominar Rygel XVI|Rygel]]''': Oh yes, I'm back too. Thanks for asking. Back to being me. Back to being ignored.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''John''': Well they say you have to walk a mile in someone's shoes to understand them. 
:'''Aeryn''': Well I certainly know what you were doing when you were in my shoes, Crichton. 
:'''John''': Gimme a break. 
:'''Aeryn''': It's okay. It's okay, you know. You were in my shoes, I was in your pants... 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zhaan''': By the goddess! What is this madness that has overtaken all of you? 
:'''Aeryn [in John]''': We'll explain later; just shoot us, Zhaan. Full power, and don't worry, we'll have the screen up. 
:'''Zhaan''': Are you sure about this, Crichton? 
:'''Rygel [in Aeryn]''': Shoot the damn gun you blue-assed bitch! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''John [in Aeryn]''': Oh, come on, man! I'm... They're here. They're right here. They've been here for a couple of arns, and I just had to... 
:'''Aeryn [in Rygel]''': You are mentally damaged. 
:'''John [in Aeryn]''': I'm a guy. A guy. Guys dream about this sort of thing. 
:'''Aeryn [in Rygel]''': I'll tell you one thing Crichton, if I find you've been dreaming anything else to my body I'll break your legs, even if they are mine.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rygel [in John]''': ''[about peeing]'' Could you show me how to do this? 
:'''John [in Aeryn]''': Oh my god... unzip. 
:'''Rygel [in John]''': Right! 
:'''John [in Aeryn]''': Pull it out. Point it like a gun. And shoot. 
:'''Rygel [in John]''': Aimed the right way? 
:'''John [in Aeryn]''': Yes, that's fine. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Tak vomits violently]''
:'''Rygel [in John]''': Go on. Go on. Let it all out. 
:'''Tak''': Excuse. 
:'''Rygel [in John]''': No, no, that's all right, we do that sort of thing all the time here on Moya. I just peed in the maintenance bay. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aeryn [in John]''': She wants me? 
:'''John [in Rygel]''': Yeah. Zhaan wants to hear it from you. She won't listen to Rygel. 
:'''Rygel [in Aeryn]''': I told you! You all say I'm paranoid, but it's true: no one ever frelling listens to me! 
:'''John [in Rygel]''': Can it, furball. 
:'''Rygel [in Aeryn]''': Great! Now I'm getting yotz from my own body!

=== ''My Three Crichtons'' ===

:'''[[w:Dominar Rygel XVI|Rygel]]''': Listen to this. Double the Crichton and you double the waste of time.

=== ''Look at the Princess (1): A Kiss Is But a Kiss'' ===

:'''[[w:Dominar Rygel XVI|Rygel]]''': By the yotz! Run, fight, surrender — pick one.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Aeryn Sun|Aeryn]]''': That's great. It's a whole world designed for your rutting instincts.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': On my planet we don’t marry people we don't love unless they're critically ill billionaires.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': Better wed than dead.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Aeryn runs into Scarran representative Cargn in a hall.]''
:'''Cargn''': I don't believe I've had the pleasure.
:'''Aeryn''': Yes, I've heard that about Scarrans.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': Eighty cycles. My college loans will be delinquent. I'll miss the strippers on my hundredth birthday. I'll get a utility bill for three trillion dollars for a single porch light that I left on and everybody I know will be dead.

=== ''Look at the Princess (2): I Do, I Think'' ===

:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': That’s OK, it’s just a burden always being right.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Ka_D'Argo|D'Argo]]''': Security is so tight that last night they burst into my room just as Chiana was... ah, screaming.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''D'Argo''': The bad news is that you are married and you must endure as a statue for eighty cycles in a strange world.
:'''Crichton''': What's the good news?
:'''D'Argo''': Chiana and I are having fantastic sex.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': Rock, me, hard place.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Aeryn_Sun|Aeryn]]''': Now, don't feel bad. It's not you; it's me. I don't like you.

=== ''Look at the Princess (3): The Maltese Crichton'' ===
:'''[[w:Ka D'Argo|D'Argo]]''': ''[to statue John]'' Do you feel any pain?
:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': No, but I'd really like to pick my nose.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': How Batman was that!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': Well there you go. Good guys win for once. And I have a child that I'll never know.

=== ''Beware of Dog'' ===

=== ''Won't Get Fooled Again'' ===

:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': Oh no, no, no, no I don’t boogie.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': Come out, come out wherever you are and see the young man that fell from the star.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Bialar Crais|Crais]]''': FREEZE! You're under arrest! You have the right to the remains of a silent attorney! If you cannot afford one... tough noogies! You can make ONE phone call! I recommend Trixie: 976-Triple 5-LOVE. Do you understand these rights as I have explained them to you?! Well do ya, PUNK?
:'''Crichton''': No...
:'''Crais''': Well... then I can't arrest you!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Ka D'Argo|D'Argo]]''': My friend, one thing you have to learn. There is always time for beer.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crais''': I like your style hombre, but this is no laughing matter.  Assault on a police officer.  Theft of police property.  Illegal possession of a firearm.  FIVE counts of attempted murder.  That comes to... 29 dollars and 40 cents. Cash, cheque or credit card?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Pa'u_Zotoh_Zhaan|Zhaan]]''': I'm Doctor Kaminsky.
:'''Crichton''': Uh-huh. And, uh, you're a psychiatrist?
:'''Zhaan''': Mm-hmm.
:'''Crichton''': I don't think so. On Earth, psychiatrists don't come in blue.
:'''Zhaan''': Do you have a problem with people of colour?
:'''Crichton''': I have a contextual problem. You're an alien.
:'''Zhaan''': Yes, that's true. But I do have a Green Card.
:'''Crichton''': Interesting. Are you or are you not blue?
:'''Zhaan''': Would it matter to you if I was?
:'''Crichton''': Do you always answer a question with a question?
:'''Zhaan''': Does that bother you?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Aeryn_Sun|Aeryn]]''': I'm a doctor. Just Relax.
:'''Zhaan''': I can wear a Freudian slip.
:'''Aeryn''': I find new places to take your temperature.
:'''[[w:Chiana|Chiana]]''': I can teach you left-handed Latvian rodeo torture.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rygel''': This is for calling me Sparky. And this is for Fluffy. And this is for Buckwheat, whatever that means.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Jack_Crichton|Jack Crichton]]''': You're the one who wanted a child. I wanted a terrier!
:'''Leslie Crichton''': Oh, you couldn't give me what I really wanted.
:'''Jack''': Oh, so we get this loser! He can't fetch a ball, he can't get my slippers, he can't even land a damn module in one piece!

=== ''The Locket'' ===

:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': Aeryn, you are the one thing which has kept me from doing a kamikaze in the transport.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dominar Rygel XVI|Rygel]]''': You're worse than me, I like that.

=== ''The Ugly Truth'' ===

:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': That’s a long way down. Either that or they have deep shag carpets.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': Since I got here I’ve seen a lot of impossible things.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': There’s just nothing new in the universe is there? It’s the same everywhere, good cop, bad cop.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Aeryn Sun|Aeryn]]''': D'Argo is thinking with his mivonks again.

=== ''A Clockwork Nebari'' ===

:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': It’s going to be more real than real. It’s going to be super 3-D smell-o-vision in Sensurround.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chiana''': Something’s not right. Aeryn doesn’t even shower without a pulse pistol.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dominar Rygel XVI|Rygel]]''': I'm nobody's puppet!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': ''(to Rygel)'' You aren't into self-preservation. You are the KING of it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Ka_D'Argo|D'Argo]]''': John, all the things I've done as a warrior, all the horrible thoughts I've had all the cycles of my life, even about you, I am so sorry.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': John Crichton, Astronaut, master of the universe.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': Bitchin' man.
:'''[[w:Dominar Rygel XVI|Rygel]]''': Bitchin'.

=== ''Liars, Guns and Money (1): A Not So Simple Plan'' ===

:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': This will work, trust me. We just have to find a place to get our clothes off.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': You ever hear of KFC?
:'''Akkor''': KFC?
:'''Crichton''': It is, to my knowledge, unique in the universe, and unique is always valuable. Now, we have managed to procure all eleven secret ingredients.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Scorpius''': Insert it! Insert it! Insert it! Insert the rod, John!
:'''Crichton''': You're really not my type!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dominar Rygel XVI|Rygel]]''': Ten percent of this plan is lunacy, fifty percent of these riches is not enough, one hundred percent of dead is dead.

=== ''Liars, Guns and Money (2): With Friends Like These...'' ===

:'''[[w:Dominar Rygel XVI|Rygel]]''': Every time I think that there's more to you than a pair of pushed-up loomas in a corset, you disappoint me

=== ''Liars, Guns and Money (3): Plan B'' ===

:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': He's here and... um, he blames me. He blames me for killing Scorpious. So I've been... I've been trying... trying to... uh... 
:'''[[w:Ka D'Argo|D'Argo]]''': Trying to what, John?!
:'''[[w:John Crichton|Chrichton]]''': D'Argo... kill me. D'Argo, please... kill me.

=== ''Die Me, Dichotomy'' ===

:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': You’re going to take my memories and I’m going to talk gibberish? Why don’t you just take my mojo while you’re at it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': Aeryn, did I say or do anything to piss you off? I mean other than caving in the side of your head?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''D'Argo''': I can' feel ma tongue.
:'''Stark''': Whose faul' izzat?
:'''D'Argo''': Oh, fwell you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pilot''': I am no higher or lower than I've ever been. My position is fixed.

== Season 3 ==
=== ''Season of Death'' ===

:'''[[w:Ka_D'Argo|D'Argo]]''': Aeryn died so you could live John. She would want you to keep fighting.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''D'Argo''': Do not. Make me tongue you.

=== ''Suns and Lovers'' ===

:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': Whoa, where do they get these stories? Let’s set the facts straight. First off there was no raping, very little pillaging and [[Young Frankenstein|Frau Blucher]] popped all the eyeballs.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, nothing like a bomb to sober me up, I’m fine.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dominar Rygel XVI|Rygel]]''': Repent? We have less than an arn. I was a Dominar. It'd take me longer than that to repent.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Ka_D'Argo|D'Argo]]''': &quot;Yeah we need you D'Argo, we need you. Oh, and by the way would you mind putting your hands up against the wall and spreading your legs so I can kick you up the mivonks.&quot; You have got to be one dumb trasnik.

=== ''Self Inflicted Wounds (1): Could'a, Would'a, Should'a'' ===

:'''[[w:Dominar Rygel XVI|Rygel]]''': Doesn't simply shooting them dead strike you as viable?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rygel''': What friends? We were thrown together against our will and we're all just trying to make the best of it until we can get the chance to screw the others to get what we want.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aeryn''': Do you understand any of those words?
:'''Crichton''': Yeah, I watched all kinds of Star Trek. It's just the order that they're in.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': If he masters wormhole technology, what do you think he'll use it for?
:'''Harvey''': Faster delivery of pizzas.

=== ''Self Inflicted Wounds(2): Wait for the Wheel'' ===

:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': Welcome to the Federation Starship SS Buttcrack!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Pa'u_Zotoh_Zhaan|Zhaan]]''': You are a very ungrateful and selfish woman. Please remain silent from now on.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zhaan''': Now I know I shall meet my goddess and be accepted to her bosom. Sensitive D'Argo, exuberant Chiana, wise Rygel, selfless Aeryn, innocent Crichton. My children, my teachers, my loves, there is no guilt, there is no blame, only what is meant to be. Grow through your mistakes and know that if patient redemption will find you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harvey''': Why is it always the gentle ones who pay the price for everyone else's ambition? Hmm?

=== ''...Different Destinations'' ===

:'''[[w:Ka D’Argo|D’Argo]]''': Ladies, some decorum please. This is a peace memorial; let's not kill each other.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Joolushko_Tunai_Fenta_Hovalis|Jool]]''': You made me drink piss?

=== ''Eat Me'' ===

:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': Burnt, battered, busted, ding-dong the pod is dead.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Aeryn Sun|Aeryn]]''': If you try anything when I am gone whatever you have in the place of mivonks and wherever they are, they will be gone when I get back.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Ka D'Argo|D'Argo]]''': Stay back... Stay back or I swear I will kill you.
:'''Kaarvoc''': I don't think that's very polite.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kaarvoc''': This is my home. All I need is more... what... food? Family? Is there a difference?

=== ''Thanks for Sharing'' ===

:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': Cross my heart, smack me dead, stick a lobster on my head!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': You been lyin' to your daddy boy, and you know you shouldn't lie to your daddy!  It's gonna stop!  Now, who’s your daddy? C’mon, you know who your daddy is. Who’s your daddy? D’Argo, tell him who his daddy is.
:'''[[w:Ka D'Argo|D'Argo]]''': I’m your daddy.
:'''Crichton''': That's right.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': Crais, I want you to find the fattest target you can. Government house, missile site, McDonalds, whatever.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Joolushko_Tunai_Fenta_Hovalis|Jool]]''': There, I woke him up; now I hope he drops dead.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Chiana|Chiana]]''': I say we just go get the guns and go steal the stuff.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''D'Argo''': Well at least now he's out of your nose.
:'''Crichton''': Hair.
:'''D'Argo''': Yes, that's what I meant, at least now he's out of your nose hair.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': ''[sarcastically introducing himself]'' John Crichton, Wizard of Oz.

=== ''Green Eyed Monster'' ===

:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': Man, you guys should see this ugly sticky flesh. Kinda like my Aunt Ruth’s special Jello.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dominar Rygel XVI|Rygel]]''': Oh wonderful, they're alive. Now you can torture them with your inane dribblings.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Aeryn Sun|Aeryn]]''': Talyn, you've seen them both naked, perhaps you can tell us who's bigger.

=== ''Losing Time'' ===
:'''[[w:Chiana|Chiana]]''': What if I have to piss?
:'''[[w:Ka_D'Argo|D'Argo]]''': Well then, we will all urinate together.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': ''[to a DRD]'' All right, we don’t understand the R2-D2 crap. We’re gonna use the Star Trek system: one blink for yes, two blinks for no.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': I’m a guy, I’ll probably be back in fifteen minutes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Joolushko_Tunai_Fenta_Hovalis|Jool]]''': I feel like I had a spiritual enema.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jool''': Shoot him, you're the warrior, just shoot him now!
:'''[[w:Ka_D'Argo|D'Argo]]''': With what? My nose?

=== ''Relativity'' ===

:'''[[w:Dominar Rygel XVI|Rygel]]''': Of course it's a foe. We have no friends.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rygel''': I may be small but allow me to remind you that only serves to put me at castration level.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Stark (Farscape)|Stark]]''': Oh, you really do have three stomachs... and the smallest little heart I've ever seen.

=== ''Incubator'' ===

=== ''Meltdown'' ===

:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': God-like aliens. Boy, do I hate god-like aliens. I'll take a critter over a god-like alien any time...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': Is there some kind of stupid alien quotation book you guys use?

=== ''Scratch 'n Sniff'' ===

:'''[[w:Ka_D'Argo|D'Argo]]''': I am a full-blooded Luxan, and ladies, I have so much cash in my pocket that I can assure you that the three of us will crawl out of here on our hands and knees come sunrise tomorrow morning. I've been arrested for saying exactly the same thing on four different planets.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''D'Argo''': Girls, breasts, blue breasts, green breasts, I don't know. All I know is they spiked our drinks and took our money.

=== ''Infinite Possibilities (1): Daedalus Demands'' ===

:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': Harvey, kiss my medulla oblongata.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jack''': My name is ''[undecipherable string of syllables in an alien language]''. You can call me Jack.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Rygel''': Perfect. The half-blind leading the blind.

=== ''Infinite Possibilities (2): Icarus Abides'' ===
:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': I mean... how far are you gonna take this? Is this the end, or are you gonna try and put all the toothpaste back in the tube?
:'''[[w:Jack Crichton|Jack]]''': I doubt that's possible. 
:'''Crichton''': But you're gonna give it the old college try, aren't you? You're gonna kill... me, Furlow, and Aeryn. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': Furlow, is it always about the money?
:[[w:Furlow|Furlow]]: Is there anything else? I mean... how much sex can you have? 
:'''Crichton''': I don't know... I haven't maxed out yet.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Furlow''': Don't be the hero, John.  Always be the one to walk away while the hero dies. That's my motto.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stark''': ''[seeing the wormhole weapon destroy the Scarran dreadnought]'' ...I have no prayer for that...

=== ''Revenging Angel'' ===

:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': God, I love science fiction.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': I got plenty of reasons.
:'''Harvey''': Then give me the Letterman list.
:'''Crichton''': Earth, dad, pizza, sex, cold beer, fast cars, sex, Aeryn, love.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pilot''': I don't get out much, so I read.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': Well, this little spaceman is going home. Lock up the women and hide the fried chicken!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Inside Crichton's mind, at his grave; his gravestone is engraved with &quot;R.I.P. / Here lies / John Crichton / Human / Astronut / Natural born loser&quot;]''
:'''Scorpius/Harvey''': Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to pay our final respects, and to say farewell to our dear friend, Commander John Crichton... A schmuck. Muleheaded, reckless, and probably braindead before I met him. Alas, his death... is mine also.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Inside Crichton's mind]''
:'''Crichton''': Even Kirk wouldn't stoop that low.
:'''[[w:Scorpius (Farscape)|Scorpius/Harvey]]''': That was a television show, John. And, he made Priceline commercials.

=== ''The Choice'' ===
:'''Stark''': It's filled with mystics and criminals!
:'''Rygel''': Then it's just like here: you're a mystic, and we're criminals!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stark''': If you've got a deity you had better make your peace with it now, because I'm going to lead you to the other side real quick.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Aeryn Sun|Aeryn]]''': Was it easy to be a hero? Leave me behind?
:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': You never think... you're gonna die. I didn't know.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Xhalax Sun|Xhalax Sun]]''': I've heard... loved ones leave you in pieces... that little by little you start to forget things about them, but that's not true. You lose them...everything, instantly, and suddenly nothing can replace them. Nothing.

=== ''Fractures'' ===
:'''Rygel''': You were... faking?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': So that's what I'm doing. You don't have to come along. You don't have to like it. I just want you to know. 
:'''[[w:Pilot_(Farscape)|Pilot]]''': Moya and I are against this idea in totality. I'm sure Captain Crais is aware that Talyn resists also. 
:'''[[w:Chiana|Chiana]]''': You don't know how far Scorpius is in his wormhole research. You don't know where he keeps it. You don't know anything. How are you going to stop him?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': Guys, I don't see another option. Scorpius has the knowledge from my brain and I'm not going to let him shaft the universe with it. 
:''[Aeryn rises, walks over and stands beside Crichton, followed a few moments later by Crais]''
:'''[[w:Chiana|Chiana]]''': You're all gonna die. 
:'''Crichton''': Do you see that one, Pip, or are you just guessing? We choose our own path. This one is mine. I'm going to the Command Carrier. I'm going to stop Scorpius.

=== ''I-Yensch, You-Yensch'' ===

=== ''Into the Lion's Den (1): Lambs to the Slaughter'' ===

:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': I do not sit at the kiddie table. Now you either give me the big toys or you send me home.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': Damn, I gotta stop pointing guns at people.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': I'm here, on a big stinkin' command carrier—[[w:Dick Tracy|Dick Tracy]]'s freakin' neural bracelet linking me to [[Bram Stoker]]'s nightmare. What more do you want from me?

=== ''Into the Lion's Den (2): Wolf in Sheep's Clothing'' ===

:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': Flying through wormholes ain’t like dusting crops, farm boy. It takes a little finesse.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dominar Rygel XVI|Rygel]]''': Don't think I'm going to miss you, any of you. I'm not. Well, maybe a little bit.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[from a deleted scene where Aeryn and Crais say goodbye to eachother]''
:'''[[w:Bialar Crais|Crais]]''': All the times that I have endangered your life. All the times that I have lied to you. Hurt you. Starting from the moment I declared you irreversibly contaminated.
:'''[[w:Aeryn Sun|Aeryn]]''': Listen to me. That was the beginning of my life.

=== ''Dog with Two Bones'' ===
:'''[[w:Ka_D'Argo|D'Argo]]''': Revenge is a feast best served immediately.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dominar Rygel XVI|Rygel]]''': Respect, my shiny, tiny hiney.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': What does that taste like?
:'''Aeryn''': Yesterday.
:'''Crichton''': Oh, well, nobody can compete with that. I am so much better dead.

== Season 4 ==
=== ''Crichton Kicks'' ===
:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': I've almost cracked &quot;Wormholes for Dummies&quot;.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Crichton''': ''[To Sikozu]'' So you Jacques Cousteau your way up stream to where they die.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Crichton''': ''[To the Grudeks]'' NOH! PAV'HOR! HERRUCH'T! ''[To Sikozu]'' You didn't get that one did you... 'cause it's Klingon! A show of force is the only thing that Klingons understand.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Crichton''': We're going to be really, really quiet so the Pirates of the Caribbean don't hear us, okay?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sikozu''': If you are sober or sane enough to understand, I suggest you aim that behind you. The creatures following me execute on sight.  Now, what are you going to do for me?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''John''': ''[explaining his situation to Sikozu]'' Okay! Once upon a time I was happy here. A little on the lonely side - but that's okay 'cos at least Wynona only had to start cooking fires - you know - fire? Whoosh! Fire. Module's outta fuel so it's not goin' anywhere. So, I'm workin' like a mofo. And everything is fiiiiinally comin' together on these crates here - 'til you - SMASHED THROUGH - PISSING ME OFF -  just - a little bit. So the only thing that I still had goin' for me - you just destroyed, lady! YEAH!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sikozu''': They know we’re here.
:'''John''': Oh, nothing gets by you, does it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After the Grudeks fire at them]''
:'''Sikozu''': ''[whispering]'' Make them think you are dead!
:'''John''': Okay, Sputnik.  ''[walks out to the catwalk and fires back]'' YOU MISSED!!  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''John''': ''[flaunting his rear end to the hound]'' You want some o' this? Yeah! Grade-A prime American beef!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''John''': ''[about the baby]'' Maybe it's not mine at all.
:'''Dream Aeryn''': You just won't let that rest, will you?
:'''John''': Nah, maybe it's got a little pony tail and a teeny tiny goatee.
:'''Dream Aeryn''': Maybe.
:'''John''': Maybe there's half a metal face on it.
:'''Dream Aeryn''': Maybe.
:'''John''': Maybe it's a royal pain in the ass, eats all the time and farts a lot.
:'''Dream Aeryn''': Then we'll know it's yours.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rygel''': Wormholes, Aeryn, Earth, Aeryn, Scorpius, Aeryn.  I'm out of fingers. Want me to keep counting on hers? ''[holds up Sikozu's severed hand]''

=== ''What Was Lost (1): Sacrifice'' ===
:'''Old Woman''': Ask Vella, if all the priests died here, why are there no bones? Why are there no bones?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grayza''': Remember me?
:'''John''': Oh yeah, I remember a couple of things.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Old Woman''': Crichton! (''Moves to hug him'')
:'''John''': Oh!  Ah - damn!  You need a bath!
:'''Old Woman''':  Never bathe, never bathe - It washes off the juice.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vella''' (''to Jool''): Intellectually - Luxans are a subspecies. He will make mistakes.  ''You'' will be blamed for them.

=== ''What Was Lost (2): Resurrection'' ===
:'''[[w:Ka D'Argo|D'Argo]]''':  Well, to use one of your expressions, you're going to have to take one for the team.
:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': Technically, I've already taken two.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Braca''': Hello Crichton.
:'''John''': Hiya Braca. Let me ask you a question. You're a man of the world, right? Does my ass look big in these pants?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Old Woman''': Crichton - we're all gonna die, but he can live down there until the magnetic summer ends.
:'''John''': And-?
:'''Old Woman''': And... (''Pulls a pulse pistol out and tosses it out of his reach over the cliff.'')
:'''John''' (''Annoyed''): Was that Winona?
:'''Old Woman''': Yes
:'''John''': I really don't wanna know where you hid her.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rygel''': Great. We're hunted by Peacekeepers, towing a dead module, lost in the Uncharted Territories with no purpose in life. How good does it get?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jool''': You may not have been Vella's intellectual equal...
:'''D'Argo''': Well I am now. She's a rock.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jool''' (''To D'Argo''): You have more courage... integrity and honesty than a dozen Vellas. And I should have said that to her.

=== ''Lava's a Many Splendored Thing'' ===
:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': How come everything tastes like chicken?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Crichton''': You burn your old people?
:'''[[w:Ka_D'Argo|D'Argo]]''': No, it just sounded like a good idea.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''D'Argo''': Okay, okay, I'm with you. I just have one small, little question... Who is Lou Costello?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Crichton''': This is unbelievable. Can't cook, won't bathe, and now she's narcoleptic? She's a triple threat.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Crichton''': Damn! This has got to be bad for the sperm count.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Crichton''': Can I get a &quot;Hell, yeah!&quot;?

=== ''Promises'' ===
:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': Asylum? What is it with Peacekeepers. First they hunt us, then they want to move in. Are we a bed and breakfast. Do we have a sign outside that says &quot;Free HBO?&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Crichton''': You're coming with me. We may need a nerd.

=== ''Natural Election'' ===
:'''[[w:Ka D'Argo|D'Argo]]''': See plant, kill plant
:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': That's got to be on the Luxan coat of arms.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rygel''': If this goes bad, please die first so my last moment can be joyous.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': Aeryn... I figure a relationship... the kind we're not having... is based on trust.
:'''[[w:Aeryn Sun|Aeryn]]''': I'm so sorry.
:'''Crichton''': Yah. Me too. Cause you don't trust me.  So, I don't know how to trust you.
:'''Aeryn''': I think I've earned your trust.
:'''Crichton''': I would put my life... in your hands... but not my heart.

=== ''John Quixote'' ===
:'''Rygel''': You're a pimped-out, arrogant fleshie who wants to use my road where NONE SHALL PASS.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''[[w:Noranti|Noranti]]''': You carry a weapon.
:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': Second amendment.

=== ''I Shrink Therefore I Am'' ===
:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': Pilot, I got a ton of groceries to unload.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Crichton''': I'm going wabbit hunting.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''[[w:Scorpius (Farscape)|Scorpius]]''': You can't take them all at once.
:'''Crichton''': How dumb do you think I am? I'll take 'em down one by one the Die Hard way.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Crichton''': This is John Crichton paging the head Cylon. Pick up the phone, Imperious Leader.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Crichton''': Como estas, la cucaracha?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Crichton''': So, we've gone from Die Hard to Honey, I Shrunk the Hostages.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Crichton''': How are my little inaction figures?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Crichton''': [Crichton puts on glove/hand of the alien he just killed] Oh, God it's still warm.

=== ''A Prefect Murder'' ===
:'''Aeryn''': I'm getting a really bad bribe.
:'''Crichton''': (''to himself'') Oh god, she's talking English. (''to Aeryn'') &quot;Vibe.&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''[[w:Aeryn Sun|Aeryn]]''': I'm not sure... I have the strength to miss next time.
:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': I think... I'm just a bad shot.

=== ''Coup by Clam'' ===
:''[Crichton, dressed in women's clothing, stands on a table]''
:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''':  Excuse me ladies, can I have your attention.  Do any of you have one of these under your skirt?
:''[Crichton pulls two pulse pistols from hip holsters and begins shooting]''
:'''Crichton''':  Yeah, girl power!

=== ''Unrealized Reality'' ===
:'''[[w:Dominar Rygel XVI|Rygel]]''': Defying all logic, Crichton may actually figure out how to get us away from the Peacekeepers forever.
:'''[[w:Pilot_(Farscape)|Pilot]]''': Without disrespect, he oftentimes leaps to conclusions prior to leading us into-- 
:'''Rygel''': Not here, Pilot! Trust me, I wouldn't have risen to Dominar if I wasn't good at recognizing things before they happen! 
:'''Pilot''': You were deposed in a coup led by your own cousin.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[scene begins as a close-up on Crichton's face]''
:'''[[w:John_Crichton|Crichton]]''':  Oh no, this is that dream where I wake up in a cell, naked.
:''[camera moves back to show Crichton, on his back on the floor, in a t-shirt]''
:'''Crichton''': ''[sighs]'' Thank heaven for simple mercies.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''':  What propulsion, the smoke you're blowing up my ass?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Crichton''': I am not Kirk, Spock, Luke, Buck, Flash, or Arthur frelling Dent. I am Dorothy Gale from Kansas.

=== ''Kansas'' ===
:'''[[w:Aeryn Sun|Aeryn]]''':  D'Argo, you should study this.  ''[sings along with the television]'' &quot;L, m, n, o, p.&quot;  Just a few of their words.  Just in case.
:'''[[w:Ka_D'Argo|D'Argo]]''':  [[w:Chiana|Chiana]] has already told me a few words.  'Yes', 'no', 'bite me', that's all I need to know.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''':  Somebody got a sugar high.  You been stealing candy, Mr. Burrels?
:'''[[w:Dominar Rygel XVI|Rygel]]''':  Crichton, how illegal is this dren?  You have to get me ''more''.  I don't care what it costs!

=== ''Terra Firma'' ===
:'''[[w:Aeryn Sun|Aeryn]]''':  A cat?
:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''':  Yeah, it's a pet.
:'''Aeryn''':  Does he talk?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aeryn''':  Well. Merry Frelling Christmas.
:'''Crichton''':  Amen.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''Twice Shy'' ===

=== ''Mental as Anything'' ===
:'''D'Argo''': He's locked in a prison composed from his own nightmares.  Killing him would have been a mercy.  I'm not that enlightened.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''Bringing Home the Beacon'' ===

:'''Crichton''': Where's Aeryn, Aeryn?

=== ''A Constellation of Doubt'' ===

:'''Sikozu''': As stupid as you must think them, the Scarrans have managed to build one of the most extensive empires in the Galaxy in part - and I shall repeat this because it does not seem to sink in - by not advertising the location of their secret bases.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff''': They were here. All of them. Ears. Tentacles. Cher.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': You're lying. You're not telling me you know where Katratzi is.
:'''Sikozu''': I have had enough of you.
:'''Crichton''': You have been nothing but lying from the moment you got on board this ship.
:'''Sikozu''': I do not know!
:'''Crichton''': And I won't let Aeryn die. Katratzi!
:'''Sikozu''': It is not my provenance if she lives or dies.
:'''Crichton''': Katratzi!
:'''Sikozu''': It is not my fault if she lives or dies.
:'''Crichton''': Katratzi!
:'''Sikozu''': It is not my will if she lives or dies. Crichton, listen to yourself! Everything lives and everything dies, whether you wish it to or not, and you have to deal with it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Whatcha doing?
:'''Noranti''': Making rat poison.
:'''Bobby''': Are you gonna kill a few?
:'''Noranti''': On the contrary, the rats asked me to make this so they could kill some humans.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Are you in some kind of cult, like a witch or something?
:'''Noranti''': Not at the moment.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Do religions hate each other where you come from?
:'''Noranti''': Oh, good heavens no. Religions are grand lofty ideals. Religious followers, now that's another story.
:'''Bobby''': Wars?
:'''Noranti''': Unspeakable.
:'''Bobby''': So we're not so different?
:'''Noranti''': That's nothing to be proud of.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': I don't care 'bout much. War. Death. Wormholes. I don't care about the things you care about. Peacekeepers rule the Scarrans. Scarrans rule the Peacekeepers. Put them together, put your ass in a cage. I care about one thing. One. God have mercy on my soul. I think I'm gonna need your help, mister Scarran half-breed, to get Aeryn back.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rygel''': It's a backwards planet full of superstitious, xenophobic morons. Nothing makes sense if they didn't think of it first and, even then, it's simplistic drivel.

=== ''Prayer'' ===
:'''[[w:Aeryn Sun|Aeryn]]''': There was one guard.  I don't remember her face.  She never told me her name. She told me a legend about how Sebaceans once had a god called... Djancaz-bru.  Six worlds prayed to her.  They built her temples, conquered planets and yet,  one day she still rose up and destroyed all six worlds. And when the last warrior was dying, he... he said: 'We gave you everything.  Why did you destroy us?'  And, she looked down upon him, and she whispered... 'Because I can.'
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': I've got a hum in my head, I'm gonna follow it.
:'''Chiana''': Oh, you've got something in there, but it's not a brain.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Crichton''': With these wormholes, anything is possible. Somewhere the [[w:Chicago_Cubs|Cubs]] are winning the World Series.

=== ''We're So Screwed (1): Fetal Attraction'' ===
:'''Trayso''': A Luxan assistant?
:'''Noranti''': Oh, yes. Luxans make fine pilots, exceptional bodyguards and superlative lovers
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sikozu''': If the freighter escapes then we abandon all hope.
:'''Crichton''': We abandon all hope of leading long and prosperous lives and we follow the freighter. (''About Sikozu'') She's still learning.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sikozu''': What about Scorpius?
:'''Chiana''': What about him?
:'''Sikozu''': Well he might have been captured!
:'''Chiana''': Or killed.
:'''D’Argo''': We can only wish.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': Harvey?  You're not dead.
:'''Harvey''': Of course not.  I am the - ''un''dead.

=== ''We're So Screwed (2): Hot to Katratzi'' ===

:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': Now, before anybody decides to get clever, you should know I have multiple dead man's sensors from from every culture on my ship and a few cultures I haven't heard of. My heart stops, we all go boom. My heart speeds up, it's boom again. Too hot, too cold, too happy, too sad, thirsty, hungry, bored, it's John Lee Hooker time. Boom, boom, boom. ''(to the Scarran contingent)'' And you try your little psychic trick, kaboom, and we're all pushin' up day-glo daisies.
:'''Ahkna''': Why do I doubt that?
:'''Crichton''': Because you lack imagination.
:'''Emperor Staleek''': What do you want?
:'''Crichton''': &quot;What do ''I'' want?&quot; &quot;What do ''I'' want?&quot; ''I'' have not been chasing my ass all over the galaxy trying to pull out chunks of my brain. ''I'' have not been sneaking fembots and Skreeths into the places where I live. ''You'' want something! You. You want what's inside my head. You want what I know about wormholes. Because I can leap tall galaxies in a single bound! I can scorch planets with a wave of my hand, and you and you and you... you can't do jack.
:'''Grayza''': That's not true.
:'''Crichton''': Oh really? You command the stars to do your bidding? I know you can't. ''(to the Kalish)'' And you can't. ''(to the Charrids)'' And you can't. ''(back to Grayza)'' And you won't. But I have.
:'''Emperor Staleek''': Then why are you here?
:'''Crichton''': Because I... am an American. And what does an American want? Democracy? ''Capitalism!'' I want to sell out and settle down! For one day only, it's a blue-light special on aisle three! My wormhole technology, and a free set of steak knives, for all the tea in China. And anything you can imagine to pay me.
:'''Ahkna''': Pay?
:'''Crichton''': Yes, ''pay!'' Cash!
:'''Vakali''': He's crazy!
:'''[[w:Aeryn Sun|Aeryn]]''': Isn't it fun?
:'''Crichton''': Welcome to my cold war. Now... what am I offered for all the powers of the universe?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': Bill Gates can’t guarantee Windows, how can you guarantee my safety?

=== ''We're So Screwed (3): La Bomba'' ===

:'''Emperor Staalek''': Were you planning to leave?
:'''Crichton''': Temporarily. Grayza called with another offer. But you had a riot going on, we didn't want to bother you, we decided to take our own car.
:'''Emperor Staalek''': I'm glad you didn't. Base defenses have been placed on highest alert. Any non-Scarran vessels will automatically be targeted and destroyed.
:'''Crichton''': We're very lucky.
:'''Emperor Staalek''': We'll transport you to the carrier.
:'''Crichton''': That's very kind.
:'''Emperor Staalek''': My pleasure. John.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Noranti''': Who's Stark?
:'''Rygel''': Another lunatic with the wrong number of eyes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Noranti''': Oh, I do admire your compartmentalisation of duplicity!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sikozu''': They're trying to override the overrides!
:'''Crichton''': Duelling overrides. Don't you hate that?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': What the hell's going on up there?
:'''D'argo''': We couldn't override their override of our override.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': Hey, did you get my bomb?
:'''[[w:Chiana|Chiana]]''': What?!
:'''Crichton''': Wh... I can't believe it.  I left a nuclear bomb in an elevator.
:'''Chiana''': That's all right.  You've done worse.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': Do the math. It's over.
:'''Scorpius''': I do not lose!
:'''Crichton''': Be happy to give you lessons.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grayza''': How dare you? Who do you think you are?
:'''Braca''': Captain Meeklo Braca, Officer of the Fleet, Peacekeeper Interplanetary Service.
:'''Grayza''': Oh. Nobody.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': You used me.
:'''Scorpius''': We used each other.
:'''Crichton''': You're better at it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grayza''': You came in here big and bold, dancing on tabletops. And look at you now, begging for scraps.
:'''Crichton''': I may be jammed, possibly dead. But I am not begging; you can get that fantasy out of your head.
:'''Grayza''': In my hands, you can have peace! I can have peace!
:'''Chrichton''': I have been in your hands! There's no peace there - just power.
:'''Grayza''': You are so self-righteous! I have used all my skills, all my resources, for one perfect chance at peace! And because of you, it is gone! And I am...
:'''Crichton''': Frelled? Screwed? Raped? Welcome to the universe, Commandant.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': Hi...  Honey. Huh.  Guess what I did at work today?  I wore a bomb.  A nuclear bomb in a field of flowers. I could get lucky.  Tomorrow I could have a bigger bomb. I could kill... more people.  Maybe they'll be innocent people.  Children... maybe.

=== ''Bad Timing'' ===
:'''Crichton''': I'm gonna fail.  It's a sin, really.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crichton''': What did you imagine for your life?
:'''Aeryn''': Service. Promotion. Retirement. Death. You?
:'''Crichton''': This is exactly what I imagined. And a couple of kids.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Crichton agonizes over possible failure to destroy the wormhole to Earth.]''
:'''[[w:Chiana|Chiana]]''': Pop the frelling bubble! Make the wormhole collapse!
:'''[[w:John Crichton|Crichton]]''': Pip, I can't do it.
:'''Chiana''': Yes, you can!
:'''Crichton''': I'm not… I'm not ''smart'' enough…
:'''Chiana''': Yes, you can!
:'''Crichton''': … I'm not ''fast'' enough, I am not ''alien'' enough, and you know what, there are people in the universe who ''don't'' like me!

== Cast ==
* [[w:Ben Browder|Ben Browder]] - [[w:John Crichton|Commander John Robert Crichton, Jr.]] 
* [[w:Claudia Black|Claudia Black]] - [[w:Aeryn Sun|Officer Aeryn Sun]]
* [[w:Anthony Simcoe|Anthony Simcoe]] - [[w:Ka D'Argo|Ka D'Argo]]
* [[w:Virginia Hey|Virginia Hey]] - [[w:Pa'u Zotoh Zhaan|Pa'u Zotoh Zhaan]] (seasons 1-3) 
* [[w:Jonathan Hardy|Jonathan Hardy]] - [[w:Dominar Rygel XVI|Dominar Rygel XVI]] (voice) 
* [[w:Gigi Edgley|Gigi Edgley]] - [[w:Chiana|Chiana]] 
* [[w:Lani Tupu|Lani Tupu]] - [[w:Pilot (Farscape)|Pilot]] (voice), [[w:Bialar Crais|Captain Bialar Crais]] (seasons 1-3) 
* [[w:Wayne Pygram|Wayne Pygram]] - [[w:Scorpius (Farscape)|Scorpius]]/[[w:Harvey (Farscape)|&quot;Harvey&quot;]]
* [[w:Paul Goddard (actor)|Paul Goddard]] - [[w:Stark (Farscape)|Stark]]
* [[w:Rebecca Riggs|Rebecca Riggs]] - [[w:Mele-On Grayza|Commandant Mele-On Grayza]] (seasons 3-4) 
* [[w:Tammy MacIntosh|Tammy MacIntosh]] - [[w:Joolushko Tunai Fenta Hovalis|Joolushko 'Jool' Tunai Fenta Hovalis]] (seasons 3-4) 
* [[w:Raelee Hill|Raelee Hill]] - [[w:Sikozu|Sikozu Svala Shanti Sugaysi Shanu]] (season 4)
* [[w:Melissa Jaffer|Melissa Jaffer]] - [[w:Noranti|Utu-Noranti Pralatong]] (seasons 3-4)

==See also==
*[[Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|0187636|Farscape}}
* [http://farscape.com Farscape]
* [http://www.scifi.com/farscape Sci-Fi's Official Farscape site]
* [http://farscape.wikia.com/wiki/Main_Page Farscape Wikia]  
* [http://www.crichtonisms.com Crichtonisms] 	 
* [http://farscape.sfcentar.com/ Farscape Center] 	 
* [http://www.farscapeworld.com/ Farscape World] 	 
* [http://farscape-1.com/ The Farscape Encyclopedia] 	 
* [http://www.farwhat.com/ Far-what?]
* [http://www.johnaeryn.com/ The John and Aeryn site]

[[Category:1990s American science fiction TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American science fiction TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows featuring puppetry]]</text>
      <sha1>4ajq3lpz2f5q2cgo51vt91b0rdxj31u</sha1>
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    <title>India</title>
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      </contributor>
      <comment>/* E */ No attribution is given in the cited source of this Einstein quote, and no other verifiable source has ever been located. It appears to have been invented.</comment>
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      <text bytes="64879" xml:space="preserve">:''[[Indians]] and [[Indian people]] redirects here.''

[[File:Flag of India.svg|thumb|The flag of India]]
[[File:India-CIA WFB Map.png|thumb|A map of India]]
'''[[w:India|India]]''', officially the '''Republic of India''' (Hindi: ''Bhārat Gaṇarājya''), is a country in [[w:South Asia|South Asia]]. It is the [[w:List of countries and dependencies by area|seventh-largest country]] by area, the [[w:List of countries and dependencies by population|second-most populous]] country, and the most populous [[democracy]] in the world.
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== Quotes ==
[[File:Emblem of India.svg|thumb|right|India of the ages is not [[dead]] nor has She spoken her last creative [[word]]; She lives and has still something to do for herself and the human peoples. ~ [[Sri Aurobindo]] ]]
[[File:Devlok the great gods of the Hindu pantheon bless the leaders of the Independence movement.jpg|thumb|India will teach us the [[tolerance]] and [[gentleness]] of mature [[mind]], [[understanding]] [[spirit]] and a [[unifying]], pacifying [[love]] for [[all]] [[human]] beings. ~ [[Will Durant]] ]]
[[File:IndianWomanFloatingLampsGanges.jpg|thumb|If I were asked under what sky the human mind has most fully developed some of its choicest gifts, has most deeply pondered over the greatest problems of life, and has found solutions of some of them which well deserve the attention even of those who have studied Plato and Kant, I should point to India. ~ [[Max Müller]]]]
[[File:Bharata Natyam Performance DS.jpg|thumb|The inhabitants of this land are religious, affectionate, hospitable, genial and frank. They are fond of scientific pursuits, inclined to austerity of life, seekers after justice, contented, industrious, capable in affairs, loyal, truthful and constant… ~ [[Abu'l-Fazl ibn Mubarak|Abul Fazl]]]]
[[File:Chanakya_artistic_depiction.jpg|thumb|The area extending from the Himalayas in the north to the sea and a thousand yojanas wide from east to west is the area of operation of the King-Emperor. ~ [[Chanakya]] (Kautilya)]]
[[File:Ashoka pillar at Vaishali, Bihar, India 2007-01-29.jpg|thumb|India was the motherland of our race, and [[Sanskrit]] the mother of [[Europe]]'s languages: she was the mother of our [[philosophy]]; mother, through the Arabs, of much of our [[mathematics]]; mother, through the [[Buddha]], of the ideals embodied in Christianity; mother, through the village community, of self-government and [[democracy]]. Mother India is in many ways the mother of us all.  ~ Will Durant]]
[[File:Xuanzang_w.jpg|thumb|The ordinary people … are upright and honourable... They are faithful to their oaths and promises... In their behavior there is much gentleness and sweetness. ~ Xuanzang]]
[[File:Parc de Versailles, Rond-Point des Philosophes, Apollonius, Barthélemy de Mélo inv1850n°9449 02.jpg|thumb|In India I found a race of mortals living upon the Earth, but not adhering to it. Inhabiting cities, but not being fixed to them, possessing everything but possessed by [[nothing]].  ~ [[Apollonius of Tyana|Apollonius of Tyana]] ]]
[[File:Aerial_photograph_of_the_Himalayas,_Ladakh_02.jpg|thumb|To [[Bankim Chandra Chattopadhyay|Bankimchandra]], She appeared as the triple manifestation of [[Saraswati]], [[Lakshmi]] and [[Durga]]. [[Rabindranath Tagore]] visualised Her as Devi bhuvana-mana-mohini - the divine enchantress of the world. To [[Swami Vivekananda]], She was the Mother of all the thirty-three crores of gods and goddesses - whose worship would gratify all those myriad deities. [[M. S. Golwalkar|Guruji Golwalkar]] visualised Her as Trinity of Mata - the loving mother, Pita - the protecting father, and Guru - the elevating spiritual guide. ~ H. V. Sheshadri]]
[[File:Sarovar_and_the_Golden_Temple.jpg|thumb| '''This is indeed India!''' the land of dreams and romance, of fabulous wealth and fabulous poverty, of splendor and rags, of palaces and hovels, of famine and pestilence, of genii and giants and Aladdin lamps, of tigers and elephants, the cobra and the jungle, the country of a hundred nations and a hundred tongues, of a thousand religions and two million gods, cradle of the human race, birthplace of human [[speech]], mother of history, grandmother of legend, great-grandmother of tradition, whose yesterdays bear date with the mouldering antiquities of the rest of the nations — the one sole country under the sun that is endowed with an imperishable interest for alien prince and alien peasant, for lettered and ignorant, wise and fool, rich and poor, bond and free, the one land that all men desire to see, and having seen once, by even a glimpse, would not give that glimpse for the shows of all the rest of the globe combined. ~  [[Mark Twain]]]]
[[File:Ashoka Chakra.svg|thumb|right|[[Swami Vivekananda]] often spoke of the [[future]] [[greatness]] of India as surpassing all her [[glories]] of the [[past]]. ~ [[w:Swami Nikhilananda|Swami Nikhilananda]] ]]
[[File:Lion Capital of Ashoka, Vidhana Soudha (01).jpg|thumb|right|For what is a nation? What is our mother-country? It is not a piece of earth, nor a figure of speech, nor a fiction of the mind. It is a mighty Shakti, composed of the Shaktis of all the millions of units that make up the nation, just as Bhawani Mahisha Mardini sprang into being from the Shaktis of all the millions of gods assembled in one mass of force and welded into unity. The Shakti we call India, Bhawani Bharati, is the living unity of the Shaktis of three hundred million people.  ~ [[Sri Aurobindo]] ]]
[[File:The Flag of India on Republic Day.jpg|thumb|right|The [[English]] have taught us that we were not one [[nation]] before and that it will require centuries before we become one nation. This is without foundation. '''We were one nation before they came to India. One [[thought]] inspired us. Our mode of [[life]] was the same. It was because we were one nation that they were able to establish one kingdom. Subsequently they divided us.''' - Mahatma Gandhi]]

&lt;!--- Images about India for possible use in the article
File:Indian_Flag_in_the_sky.jpg
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File:Mumbai 03-2016 29 Kamla Nehru Park.jpg
File:Sarnath Lion Capital 1911.jpg
File:Trụ đá Ashoka (Pillar of Ashoka).jpg
File:Another print from the same period.jpg
File:Bharat-mata.png
File:Bharat Mata by Abanindranath Tagore.jpg
File:Bharat-mata.png
File:Bharat Mata Statue.jpg
File:Bharat Mata at Jatiya Shaktipeeth, Kolkata.jpg
---&gt;
===A===
* '''In India I found a race of mortals living upon the Earth, but not adhering to it. Inhabiting cities, but not being fixed to them, possessing everything but possessed by [[nothing]].'''
** [[Apollonius of Tyana|Apollonius of Tyana]], quoted in ''The Transition to a Global Society'' (1991) by Kishor Gandhi, p. 17, and in ''The Age of Elephants'' (2006) by Peter Moss, p. v

* '''This also is remarkable in India, that [[all]] Indians are [[free]], and no Indian at all is a [[slave]]. In this the Indians agree with the [[w:Laconia|Lacedaemonians]]. Yet the Lacedaemonians have [[w:Helots|Helots]] for slaves, who perform the duties of slaves; but the Indians have no slaves at all, much less is any Indian a slave.'''
** [[Arrian]], ''Anabasis Alexandri'', Book VII : ''Indica'', as translated by Edgar Iliff Robson (1929), p. 335

* '''No Indian ever went outside his own country on a warlike expedition, so [[righteous]] were they.'''
** [[Arrian]], ''[[w:Anabasis Alexandri|Anabasis Alexandri]]'', Book VII : ''[[w:Indica (Arrian)|Indica]]'', as translated by Edgar Iliff Robson (1929), p. 18

* '''India of the ages is not dead nor has She spoken her last creative [[word]]; She lives and has still something to do for herself and the human peoples.''' And that which must seek now to awake is not an Anglicized oriental people, docile pupil of the West and doomed to repeat the cycle of the Occident's success and failure, but still the ancient immemorial ''[[w:Shakti|Shakti]]'' recovering Her deepest self, lifting Her head higher toward the supreme source of [[light]] and [[strength]] and turning to discover the complete meaning and a vaster form of her ''[[w:Dharma|Dharma]]''.
** [[Sri Aurobindo]], in the last issue of ''[[w:Arya (magazine)|Arya: A Philosophical Review]]'' (January 1921), as quoted in ''The Modern Review'', Vol. 29 (1921), p. 626.

*'''For what is a nation? What is our mother-country? It is not a piece of earth, nor a figure of speech, nor a fiction of the mind. It is a mighty Shakti, composed of the Shaktis of all the millions of units that make up the nation, just as Bhawani Mahisha Mardini sprang into being from the Shaktis of all the millions of gods assembled in one mass of force and welded into unity. The Shakti we call India, Bhawani Bharati, is the living unity of the Shaktis of three hundred million people …'''
**[[Sri Aurobindo]] (Bhawāni Mandir) quoted in Issues of Identity in Indian English Fiction: A Close Reading of Canonical Indian English Novels by H. S. Komalesha

* '''India is the guru of the nations, the physician of the human soul in its profounder maladies; she is destined once more to remould the life of the world and restore the peace of the human spirit.''' But [[w:Swaraj|Swaraj]] is the necessary condition of her work and before she can do the work , she must fulfil the condition.
** [[Sri Aurobindo]], ''Sri Aurobindo Mandir Annual'' (1947), p. 196

*The 'nation idea' India never had. By that I mean the political idea of the nation. It is a modern growth. But we ''had'' in India the cultural and spiritual idea of the nation.
**Sri Aurobindo, Indias Rebirth, quoted from Elst, Koenraad (2001). Decolonizing the Hindu mind: Ideological development of Hindu revivalism. New Delhi: Rupa. p. 460

* India is the only country which has known God and if anyone wants to know God he must know India.
** Vecente Avelino, &lt;!-- Consul General for Brazil in India in 1930 (in ''The Vision of India'' ?) --&gt;as quoted in ''A Tribute to Hinduism : Thoughts and Wisdom Spanning Continents and Time about India and Her Culture'' (2008), p. 196

* She who bears plants endowed with many varied powers, may Prithivī for us spread wide and favour us. &lt;br&gt;In whom the sea, and Sindhu, and the waters, in whom our food and corn-lands had their being.
**Excerpt from the Prithvi Sukta in the Atharva Veda 12.1-63 (trans. by Maurice Bloomfield, Sacred Books of the East, Vol. 42, 1897). The Prithvi Sukta is often regarded as the first national song, e.g. C.f.      Jain, M. (2010). Parallel pathways: Essays on Hindu-Muslim relations, 1707-1857. chapter V.

===B===
* In the tract of land known as Bhārata-varṣa, as in Ilāvṛta-varṣa, there are many mountains and rivers.... The inhabitants of Bhārata-varṣa are purified because they always remember these rivers.
**Bhagavata Purana [https://vedabase.io/en/library/sb/5/19/]

* '''The age in which true history appeared in India was one of great intellectual and spiritual ferment.''' Mystics and sophists of all kinds roamed through the Ganga Valley, all advocating some form of mental discipline and asceticism as a means to salvation; but the age of the [[Buddha]], when many of the best minds were abandoning their homes and professions for a life of asceticism, was also a time of advance in commerce and politics. It produced not only philosophers and ascetics, but also merchant princes and men of action.
** [[w:Arthur Llewellyn Basham|A. L. Basham]] in ''[[w:The Wonder That was India|The Wonder that was India]]'' (1954)

* The ancient civilisation of India differs from those of Egypt, Mesopotamia and Greece, in that its traditions have been preserved without a break down to the present day. Until the advent of the archaeologist, the peasant of Egypt or Iraq had no knowledge of the culture of his forefathers, and it is doubtful whether his Greek counterpart had any but the vaguest ideas about the glory of Periclean Athens. In each case there had been an almost complete break with the past. On the other hand…to this day legends known to the humblest Indian recall the names of shadowy chieftains who lived nearly a thousand years before Christ, and the orthodox Brahman in his daily worship repeats hymns composed even earlier. India and China have, in fact, the oldest continuous cultural traditions in the world.
**A.L.Basham in his “The Wonder That Was India” quoted in [https://talageri.blogspot.com/2016/05/hindutva-or-hindu-nationalism.html] [This article is a major extract from the article &quot;Sita Ram Goel, memories and ideas&quot; by S. Talageri, written for the Sita Ram Goel Commemoration Volume, entitled &quot;India's Only Communalist&quot;, edited by Koenraad Elst, published in 2005. 

* '''There are some parts of the world that, once visited, get into your heart and won’t go.''' For me, India is such a place. When I first visited, I was stunned by the richness of the land, by its lush beauty and exotic architecture, by its ability to overload the senses with the pure, concentrated intensity of its colors, smells, tastes, and sounds. It was as if all my life I had been seeing the world in black and white and, when brought face-to-face with India, experienced everything re-rendered in brilliant technicolor.
** Keith Bellows, Vice-President, National Geographic Society, as quoted in ''Think India: The Rise of the World's Next Superpower and What It Means for Every American'' (2007) by Vinay Rai and William L. Simon, p. 187
** [http://press.nationalgeographic.com/pressroom/index.jsp?pageID=bios_detail&amp;siteID=1&amp;cid=1047659824341 Keith Bellows], as quoted in '[http://books.google.com/books?id=mgZdmb8zEzwC&amp;pg=PA3&amp;dq=%22some+parts+of+the+world+that,+once+visited,+get+into+your+heart%22&amp;hl=en&amp;ei=ktqwTKn4FsP78Aa6-sWgCQ&amp;sa=X&amp;oi=book_result&amp;ct=result&amp;resnum=1&amp;ved=0CCkQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&amp;q=%22some%20parts%20of%20the%20world%20that%2C%20once%20visited%2C%20get%20into%20your%20heart%22&amp;f=false 'Study in India - A Guide by Knowledge Must'']

* India is the mother of religion. In her are combined science and religion in perfect harmony, and that is the Hindu religion, and it is India that shall be again the spiritual mother of the world.
**[[w:Annie Besant|Annie Besant]], [http://www.hinduwisdom.info/quotes1_20.htm] ( Besant's lecture at the Grand Theatre, Calcutta on Jan 15th 1906).

* Limited in the South by the above mentioned Indian Ocean, and on all three other sides by the lofty mountains, the waters of which flow down to it... the inhabitable world extending southwards from Himavant is Bharatvarsha, which is the centre of Jambudvipa. The parts named and ascribed to it are located in Al Hind alone.
** [[Al-Biruni]], in his Kitab ul Hind describes India (‘Al Hind’) (cited by Athar Ali, ‘The Evolution of the Perception of India’ in his Mughal India, p. 110)  and in [https://thewire.in/history/the-empire-strikes-back-ad-hominem-as-history]

*The Hindus believe that there is no country but theirs, no nation like theirs, no king like theirs, no religion like theirs, no science like theirs.
** [[Al-Biruni]], ''Alberuni's India'', quoted from K.S. Lal, Indian Muslims who are they, 1990

* The India I [[Love]], does not make the headlines, but I find it wherever I go – in field or forest, town or village, mountain or desert – and in the hearts and minds of people who have given me love and affection for the better part of my lifetime.
** {{cite interview | title=[http://newindianexpress.com/cities/bangalore/article537655.ece You cannot die of boredom in India] | date=June 07, 2012 | accessdate=June 23, 2012 | subject=[[Ruskin Bond]] | interviewer=Prajwala Hegde | program=''The New Indian Express'' | city=[[Bangalore]]}}.

*The land created by the gods and stretching from Himalayas to the Indu (i.e.Southern) ocean is called Hindusthan.
**Brihaspati Agama, Quoted in Golwalkar, M. Bunch of Thoughts.

*This multitude of men does not consist of an abject and barbarous people...but a people for ages civilized and cultivated; cultivated by all the arts of polished life, whilst we were yet in the woods... There is to be found an ancient and venerable priesthood, the depository of their laws, learning, and history, the guides of the people whilst living, and their consolation in death; a nobility of great antiquity and renown; a multitude of cities, not exceeded in population and trade by those of the first class in Europe; merchants and bankers, individual houses of whom have once vied in capital with the Bank of England; whose credit had often supported a tottering State, and preserved their governments in the midst of war and desolation; millions of ingenious manufacturers and mechanics; millions of the most diligent, and not the least intelligent, tillers of the earth.
**[[Edmund Burke]], speech in the House of Commons on India (1 December 1783), quoted in ''The Parliamentary Register: Or, History of the Proceedings and Debates of the House of Commons, Volume XII'' (1782), p. 216

===C===
*The area extending from the Himalayas in the north to the sea and a thousand yojanas wide from east to west is the area of operation of the King-Emperor.
**Chakravarti-kshetra as described by [[Chanakya]] (Kautilya): Arthashastra 9:1:17 (tr. L.N. Rangarajan), quoted from Elst, Koenraad (2001). Decolonizing the Hindu mind: Ideological development of Hindu revivalism. New Delhi: Rupa. p.457

*Indians would certainly try to understand the fact that for more than a hundred years in the late fourth, third and early second centuries BC, there was a state which controlled the entire natural geographical domain of south Asia. Not even the British controlled such a large area for such a long period. This fact should in any case be one of the answers to the notion that there have only been divisive tendencies in the political history of India.
**Chakrabarti, D. K., 1997. Colonial Indology: Sociopolitics of the Ancient Indian Past. New Delhi: Munshiram Manoharlal Publishers Pvt. Ltd.

*India is a geographical term. It is no more a united nation than the equator.
**[[w:Winston Churchill|Winston Churchill]], speech at Royal Albert Hall, London (18 March 1931)

* I learned that Bharat is the most ancient source of living wisdom (spirituality) and that it has always generated its revelations world wide.
** Keith Critchlow, an architect known for his works on sacred geometry and also a former professor of Islamic Art at the Royal College of Art in London. As quoted in &quot;''Indian Ethos and Values in Management''&quot;, McGraw Hill India, 2011.

*Powerful empires existed and flourished here (in India) while Englishmen were still wandering, painted, in the woods, and while the British Colonies were still a wilderness and a jungle. India has left a deeper mark upon the history, the philosophy, and the religion of mankind, than any other terrestrial unit in the universe.
** [[George Curzon, 1st Marquess Curzon of Kedleston|Lord Curzon]], while Viceroy of India, in his address at the Great Delhi Durbar in 1901. Quoted from Avinash PAtra in [https://books.google.co.in/books?id=Q1sTCwAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PP3&amp;dq=Powerful+empires+existed+and+flourished+here+(in+India)+while+Englishmen+were+still+wandering,+painted,+in+the+woods,+and+while+the+British+Colonies+were+still+a+wilderness+and+a+jungle.+India+has+left+a+deeper+mark+upon+the+history,+the+philosophy,+and+the+religion+of+mankind,+than+any+other+terrestrial+unit+in+the+universe.&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwj7ifGWtJHjAhWYfH0KHfbyA2gQ6AEIKDAA#v=onepage&amp;q=Powerful%20empires%20existed%20and%20flourished%20here%20(in%20India)%20while%20Englishmen%20were%20still%20wandering%2C%20painted%2C%20in%20the%20woods%2C%20and%20while%20the%20British%20Colonies%20were%20still%20a%20wilderness%20and%20a%20jungle.%20India%20has%20left%20a%20deeper%20mark%20upon%20the%20history%2C%20the%20philosophy%2C%20and%20the%20religion%20of%20mankind%2C%20than%20any%20other%20terrestrial%20unit%20in%20the%20universe.&amp;f=falseLord &quot;Curzon Exposed Through Avinash Patra&quot;]

===D===

* India has many strengths which make it one of the greatest countries in the world. I believe India's greatest strength is the Indian people, in particular their spiritual devotion and purity. Many Indians see beyond illusion and understand the deeper meaning is best displayed by the custom of bowing of life. Perhaps this to the God within when greeting another person. Many Western people visit India to find spiritual inspiration, clarity and renewal. This focus on the deeper reality of humanity's oneness with nature and each other is needed to address growing environmental and social problems around the world. The Indian people model the peace, wisdom, love and respect needed to achieve the beautiful, prosperous, sustainable world that all humanity seeks.
** Frank Dixon, Former Director – Research, Innovest Venture Partners. As quoted in &quot;''Environmental Management''&quot;, Oxford University Press, 2015.

* India was the motherland of our race, and Sanskrit the mother of Europe's languages: she was the mother of our philosophy; mother, through the Arabs, of much of our mathematics; mother, through the [[Buddha]], of the ideals embodied in Christianity; mother, through the village community, of self-government and democracy. Mother India is in many ways the mother of us all.
** [[Will Durant]], ''The Case for India'' (1931)

* It is true that even across the Himalayan barrier India has sent to us such questionable gifts as grammar and logic, philosophy and fables, hypnotism and chess, and above  all, our numerals and our decimal system. But these are not the essence  of her spirit; they are trifles compared to what we may learn from her  in the future. As invention, industry and trade bind the continents together,  or as they fling us into conflict with Asia, we shall study its civilizations  more closely, and shall absorb, even in enmity, some of its ways and  thoughts. Perhaps, in return for conquest, arrogance and spoliation, India  will teach us the tolerance and gentleness of the mature mind, the quiet  content of the unacquisitive soul, the calm of the understanding spirit,  and a unifying, pacifying love for all living things. 
** [[Will Durant]], Our Oriental Heritage.  Quoted from Stephen Knapp, Mysteries of the Ancient Vedic Empire [https://stephenknapp.wordpress.com/2015/10/30/a-look-at-india-from-the-views-of-other-scholars/]

===E===
*Scant justice is done to her position in the world by those histories which recount the exploits of her invaders and leave the impression that her own people were a feeble, dreamy folk, sundered from the rest of mankind by their sea and mountain frontiers. Such a picture takes no account of the intellectual conquests of the Hindus. Even their political conquests were not contemptible and were remarkable for the distance if not for the extent of the territory occupied. ... But such military or commercial invasions are insignificant compared with the spread of Indian thought. 
**Sir Charles Elliot, HINDUISM AND BUDDHISM, [https://www.gutenberg.org/files/15255/15255-h/15255-h.htm]  quoted in A Look at India From the Views of Other Scholars, by Stephen Knapp [https://www.stephen-knapp.com/a_look_at_india_from_the_views_of_other_scholars.htm]

* Long centuries before any foreigner had settled in India, the unity of the country was materialized in symbols. What more suggestive than that, for instance, of Sati, Siva's consort, whose body, divided after her death in fity-one pieces, is lying still in fifty-one different places, theorfore revered as 'tithasthans', throughout the Indian peninsula?... The final editing fo the Ramayana and the Mhahabharata is not dated later than the first encturies AD, and they are fully familiar with the concept and surface of India, as are Kalidasa's Raghuvamsha and the Puranas.
**Elst, Koenraad. The Saffron Swastika (2001)

===F===

*The inhabitants of this land are religious, affectionate, hospitable, genial and frank. They are fond of scientific pursuits, inclined to austerity of life, seekers after justice, contented, industrious, capable in affairs, loyal, truthful and constant… They one and all believe in the unity of God, and as to the reverence they pay to the images of stone and wood and the like, which simpletons regard as idolatry, it is not so.
**Ain-i-Akbari by [[Abu'l-Fazl ibn Mubarak|Abul Fazl]]. Quoted from Lal, K. S. (1999). Theory and practice of Muslim state in India. New Delhi: Aditya Prakashan. Chapter 2

===G===

*The [[English]] have taught us that we were not one [[nation]] before and that it will require centuries before we become one nation. This is without foundation. '''We were one nation before they came to India. One [[thought]] inspired us. Our mode of [[life]] was the same. It was because we were one nation that they were able to establish one kingdom. Subsequently they divided us.'''
**[[Mahatma Gandhi]]: Hind Swaraj, Chapter ix [http://www.mkgandhi.org/hindswaraj/chap09_indiarailways.htm]

* I do not wish to suggest that because we were one nation we had no differences, but it is submitted that our leading men travelled throughout India . . . They learned one another's languages . . . they saw that India was one undivided land so made by nature. They, therefore, argued that it must be one nation. Arguing thus, they established holy places in various parts of India, and fired the people with an idea of nationality in a manner unknown in other parts of the world. Any two Indians are one as no two Englishmen are.
**[[Mahatma Gandhi]]: Hind Swaraj and other writings. 1997. CUP

*    This vast land... had been a single indivisible whole since times immemorial. Bharatavarsha had been termed by the ancients as the cradle of varnãšrama-dharma, witness to the wheel of the caturyugas, and the kshetra for chakravãrtya, spiritual as well as political. This historical memory and cultural tradition was alive as late as the imperial Guptas. Kalidasa had clothed it in immortal poetry in his far-famed Raghuvamša.
**S.R. Goel, The Story of Islamic Imperialism in India (1994)

===H===

*India as a land of Desire iced an essential element in general history. From the most ancient times downwards, all nations have directed their wishes and longings to pining access to the treasures of this land of marvels, the most costly which the earth presents, treasures of nature ‑ pearls, diamonds, perfumes, rose essences, lions, elephants, etc. ‑ as also treasures of wisdom. The way by which these treasures have passed to the West has at all tins been a matter of world historical importance bound up with the fate of nations.
**[[Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel]], quoted in Panikkar, K. M. (1953). Asia and Western dominance, a survey of the Vasco da Gama epoch of Asian history, 1498-1945, by K.M. Panikkar. London: G. Allen and Unwin.

* India is not only a country and something geographical, but the home and the youth of the soul, the everywhere and nowhere, the oneness of all times.
**Hermann Hesse. source: Hermann Hesse: A Collection of Criticism, Fudith Sielemann . Quoted from Gewali, Salil (2013). Great Minds on India. New Delhi: Penguin Random House.

* Its water is dark; its fruit is bitter and poisonous; its land is stony, and its earth is saltish. A small army will soon be annihilated there...
**Hakim's report about Hind and Sindh to Caliph [[Uthman]] who thought about invading North-western India. The Chachnama. Quoted in Misra, R. G. (2005). Indian resistance to early Muslim invaders up to 1206 A.D. p.17
**Also translated as : Water is scarce, the fruits are poor, and the robbers are bold; if few troops are sent, they will be slain, if many, they will starve to death. Elliot and Dowson, The History of India as Told by Its Own Historians, Vol. 1, 116. quoted in Balakrishna, S. Invaders and infidels: From Sindh to Delhi : the 500- year journey of Islamic invasions. New Delhi : BloomsBury, 2021.

* Their honesty is proverbial. They borrow and lend on word of mouth, and the repudiation of a debt is almost unknown.
** Keir Hardie about Indians. Quoted from Will Durant, Our Oriental Heritage.

===I===
*The cup of India is brimful of the wine of truth. All philosophers of the western world (have acknowleged) Rāma of India. It is the result of elegant thoughts of Indians that the loftiness of India is higher than the sky. In this country thousands of persons with angelic worth were born and on account of them the name of India is so famous. India is proud of the existence of Rāma. Discerning minds regard him as the Imam of India. It is the miracle of this light of righteousness that India’s evening is brighter than world’s morning.
**Muhammad Iqbal, in an Urdu poem captioned ‘Raam’ which is compiled in his book ‘Bang-e-Dara’. quoted in Kishore, Kunal (2016). Ayodhyā revisited.

*The Indians are naturally inclined to justice and never depart from it in their actions. Their good faith, honesty and fidelity to their engagements are well known.
**Al-Idrisi, middle of 12th century CE. Elliot and Dowson, I.88. Quoted in Misra, R. G. (2005). Indian resistance to early Muslim invaders up to 1206 A.D. p.15

===J===
*Great and enduring civilizations like those of the Hindus and the Chinese were built upon this foundation and developed from it a discipline of self-knowledge which they brought to a high pitch of refinement both in philosophy and practice.
**[[Carl Jung]]. source: Hindu Culture, K. Guru Dutt. Quoted from Gewali, Salil (2013). Great Minds on India. New Delhi: Penguin Random House.

===K===

*Incredible India!
**[[w:Amitabh Kant|Amitabh Kant]], as quoted in [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:BookSources/9788172238094 ''Branding India : an incredible story''] (2009), by Amitabh Kant Sunil &lt;!-- Noida: Collins Business, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers India. --&gt;

* India is like a bride which has got two beautiful and lustrous eyes—[[Hindus]] and [[muslim|Mussulmans]]. If they quarrel against each other that beautiful bride will become ugly and if one destroys the other, she will lose one eye.
** [[Syed Ahmed Khan]], ''[https://www.google.com/books/edition/Writings_and_Speeches/ausHAAAAMAAJ?hl=en Writings and Speeches of Sir Syed Ahmad Khan]'', Nachiketa Publications (1972), p. 160.
** Variant: &quot;India is a beautiful bride and Hindus and Muslims are her two eyes. If one of them is lost, this beautiful bride will become ugly.&quot; Quoted in Shirali, Aresh (10 August 2017). [https://openthemagazine.com/freedom-issue-2017/freedom-issue-2017-dispatches-from-history/the-enigma-of-aligarh/ &quot;The Enigma of Aligarh&quot;]. {{w|Open (Indian magazine)|''Open Magazine''}}.

* Oh Hindus and Mussalmans, do you inhabit any country other than India? Do you not both live here on the same land and are you not buried in this land or cremated on the ghats of this land? You live here and die here. Therefore remember that Hindu and Mussalman are words of religious significance otherwise Hindus, Mussalmans and Christians who live in this country constitute one nation.
** [[Syed Ahmed Khan]], ''[https://www.google.com/books/edition/Writings_and_Speeches/ausHAAAAMAAJ?hl=en Writings and Speeches of Sir Syed Ahmad Khan]'', Nachiketa Publications (1972), p. 266.
** Variant: &quot;O Hindus and Muslims! Do you belong to a country other than India? Don’t you live on the soil and are you not buried under it or cremated on its ghats? If you live and die on this land, then bear in mind that ‘Hindu’ and ‘Muslim’ is but a religious word: all the Hindus, Muslims and Christians who live in this country are one nation.&quot; Quoted in Shirali, Aresh (10 August 2017). [https://openthemagazine.com/freedom-issue-2017/freedom-issue-2017-dispatches-from-history/the-enigma-of-aligarh/ &quot;The Enigma of Aligarh&quot;]. {{w|Open (Indian magazine)|''Open Magazine''}}.

* India, as everyone knows, is divided equally between jungle, tigers, cobras, cholera, and sepoys
** R. Kipling 1987. Kipling, R. 'Yoked with an Unbeliever'. In Plain Tales from the Hills . Oxford:Oxford University Press, 1987. Quoted from     Malhotra, R., &amp; Infinity Foundation (Princeton, N.J.). (2018). Being different: An Indian challenge to western universalism.

* When you write `native, 'who do you mean? The Mahommedan who hates the Hindu; the Hindu who hates the Mahommedan; the Sikh who loathes both; or the semi-anglicised product of our Indian colleges who is hated and despised by Sikh, Hindu and Mahommedan.
**R. Kipling on Indians,     quoted from Ibn, W. (2009). Defending the West: A critique of Edward Said's Orientalism. Amherst, N.Y: Prometheus Books.

*People  try to excuse their brutality by saying that it is the [[custom]]; but a  [[crime]] does not cease to be a crime  because many commit it. Karma takes no account of custom; and the [[karma]] of [[cruelty]] is the most terrible of all. In India at least there can be no excuse for such customs, for the duty of [[Harmless|harmlessness]] is well-known to all. 
**[[Jiddu Krishnamurti]],  ''At the Feet﻿ ﻿of the Master'' (1911)

===L===
*[[w:India|India]] is a land of warm affections and abiding loyalities.
**[[Victor Hope, 2nd Marquess of Linlithgow]], [[w:Governor-General of India|Governor-General of India]], quoted in reply to the address of welcome from the Mayor, 1st April 1936. also quoted in Speeches and Statements of Lord Linlithgow, p. 1, 1946.
* '''You'd have to be brain dead to live in India and not be affected by Hinduism.''' It's not like Christianity in America, where you feel it only on Sunday mornings … if you go to church at all. '''Hinduism is an on-going daily procedure. You live it, you breathe it. … Hinduism has a playful aspect which I've not experienced in any other religion.''' Its not so righteous or sober as is Christianity, nor is it puritanical. That's one of the reasons I enjoy India. I wake up in the morning, and I'm very content.
** [[Marcus Leatherdale]], Canadian photographer, quoted in [http://www.hinduismtoday.com/modules/smartsection/item.php?itemid=4833 &quot;Banaras: Eclipsed by a camera : The timeless portraits of Marcus Leatherdale&quot; in ''Hinduism Today'' (March 1997)]

===M===

*That land where the [[w:Blackbuck|black antelope]] naturally roams, one must know to be fit for the performance of sacrifices; (the tract) different from that (is) the country of the Mlekkhas.
**Manu Smriti 2.23, as quoted in ''Decolonizing the Hindu Mind'' (2001), by [[Koenraad Elst]]

*India is the great democratic miracle of the world.
**[[w:Paul D. Miller (academic)|Paul D. Miller]], [https://www.amazon.com/dp/1626163421/ref=rdr_ext_tmb ''American Power and Liberal Order: A Conservative Internationalist Grand Strategy''] (2016), p. 176

* India has given the world neither community nor communalism. Our saints and sages (Rishis and Munis) and traditions have given the world spiritualism and not communalism.
** [[Narendra Modi]], as quoted in [https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/india/india-has-given-spiritualism-not-communalism-to-world-pm-narendra-modi/articleshow/50521191.cms &quot;India has given spiritualism, not communalism to world: PM Narendra Modi&quot;], ''{{w|The Times of India}}'', January 10, 2016.

* '''If I were asked under what sky the human mind has most fully developed some of its choicest gifts, has most deeply pondered over the greatest problems of life, and has found solutions of some of them which well deserve the attention even of those who have studied [[Plato]] and [[Immanuel Kant|Kant]], I should point to India.''' And if I were to ask myself from what literature we who have been nurtured almost exclusively on the thoughts of Greeks and Romans, and of the Semitic race, the Jewish, may draw the corrective which is most wanted in order to make our inner life more perfect, more comprehensive, more universal, in fact more truly human a life... '''again I should point to India.'''
** [[Max Müller]], ''India, What Can It Teach Us'' (1882) Lecture IV

*I will now, O chastiser of foes, describe to thee that country as I have heard of it. Listen to me, O king, as I speak of what thou hast asked me. Mahendra, Malaya, Sahya, Suktimat, Rakshavat, Vindhya, and Paripatra,--these seven are the Kala-mountains 1 (of Bharatvarsha). Besides these, O king, there are thousands of mountains that are unknown, of hard make, huge, and having excellent valleys. Besides these there are many other smaller mountains inhabited by barbarous tribes. Aryans and Mlecchas, O Kauravya, and many races, O lord, mixed of the two elements, drink the waters of the following rivers, viz., magnificent Ganga, Sindhu, and Saraswati; of Godavari, and Narmada, and the large river called Yamuna... and Mandakini, and Supunya, Sarvasanga, O Bharata, are all mothers of the universe and productive of great merit. Besides these, there are rivers, by hundreds and thousands, that are not known (by names), I have now recounted to thee, O king, all the rivers as far as I remember.
** Bhishma Parva of the Mahabharata [https://sacred-texts.com/hin/m06/m06009.htm]

*India itself cannot be viewed only as a bundle of the old and the new, accidentally and uncomfortably pieced together, an artificial construct without a natural unity. Nor is she just a repository of quaint, fashionable accessories to Western lifestyles; nor a junior partner in a global capitalist world. India is its own distinct and unified civilization with a proven ability to manage profound differences, engage creatively with various cultures, religions and philosophies, and peacefully integrate many diverse streams of humanity. These values are based on ideas about divinity, the cosmos and humanity that stand in contrast to the fundamental assumptions of Western civilization. 
**Malhotra, Rajiv (Princeton, N.J.). (2018). Being different: An Indian challenge to western universalism.

*Indians tend to be more relaxed in unpredictable situations than westerners. Indians indeed find it natural to engage in non-linear thinking, juxtaposing opposites and tackling complexities that cannot be reduced to simple concepts or terms. They may be said even to thrive on ambiguity, doubt, uncertainty, multitasking, and in the absence of centralized authority and normative codes. Westerners, by contrast, tend by and large to be fearful of unpredictable or decentralized situations. They regard these situations as 'problems' to be 'fixed'.
**Malhotra, Rajiv (Princeton, N.J.). (2018). Being different: An Indian challenge to western universalism.

===N===
* Bharat has been an inspiration to me through her great gift to the modern world, Mahatma Gandhi, and the incredible tradition of spirituality from which he came. India doubtless needs some things today from the West -- not the ones she has chosen to adopt, namely the materialism and superficiality, rather the West’s efficiency and organization. But the West needs even more badly India’s humanity and spirituality, which is unrivalled by any culture I know of, past or present.
** Michael Nagler, Professor Emeritus - Languages, University of California, Berkeley. As quoted in &quot;''Indian Ethos and Values in Management''&quot;, McGraw Hill India, 2011.

* It was narrated that Thawban, the freed slave of the Messenger of Allah, said: &quot;The Messenger of Allah said: 'There are two groups of my Ummah whom Allah will free from the Fire: The group that invades India (taghzoo al-hind), and the group that will be with 'Isa bin Maryam, peace be upon him.'&quot; 
**Ghazwa-e-hind. [[w:Al-Nasa'i|Al-Nasa'i]], [[w:Al-Sunan al-Sughra|Al-Sunan al-Sughra]] (one of the six major [[hadiths]]). Sunan an-Nasa'i 1:25:3177 (hasan) from The Book of Jihad, chapter &quot;Invading India&quot; &lt;!--- Quoted for example in [https://wikiislam.net/wiki/Ghazwa-e-hind] ---&gt;

* Long years ago we made a [[w:Tryst|tryst]] with [[destiny]], and now the time comes when we shall redeem our [[w:Pledge|pledge]], not wholly or in full measure, but very substantially. At the stroke of the midnight hour, when the [[world]] sleeps, [[India]] will awake to [[life]] and [[freedom]]. '''A moment comes, which comes but rarely in [[history]], when we step out from the old to the new, when an age ends, and when the [[soul]] of a [[nation]], long suppressed, finds utterance.''' It is fitting that at this solemn moment, we take the pledge of [[w:Dedication|dedication]] to the service of India and her people and to the still larger cause of [[humanity]].
** [[Jawaharlal Nehru]], in: [http://www.harappa.com/wall/nehru.html Quicktime excerpt] and in: [http://books.google.com/books?id=XRpFol4AnO0C&amp;pg=PA191 Rediscovery of India, The: A New Subcontinent], Orient Blackswan, 1 January  1999, p. 191
**Excerpts from his speech delivered on the eve of declaration of Independence, on 14 August 1947, at the midnight hour declaring Independence of India on 15 August 1947.

* I don't like the Indians. [...] “Let the Indians squeal. Let the liberals squeal. I want a public relations program developed to piss on the Indians. I want to piss on them for their responsibility. I want the Indians blamed for this, you know what I mean? We can’t let these goddamn, sanctimonious Indians get away with this. They’ve pissed on us on Vietnam for 5 years, Henry.
**Richard Nixon to H. Kissinger during Bangladesh Liberation War,  quoted in  Bass, G. J. (2014). The Blood telegram: Nixon, Kissinger, and a forgotten genocide.

===O===

*My confidence in our shared future is grounded in my respect for India’s treasured past—a civilization that has been shaping the world for thousands of years. Indians unlocked the intricacies of the human body and the vastness of our universe. And it is no exaggeration to say that our information age is rooted in Indian innovations—including the number zero....  Instead of succumbing to division, you have shown that the strength of India—the very idea of India—is its embrace of all colours, castes and creeds … It’s the richness of faiths celebrated by a visitor to my hometown of Chicago more than a century ago—the renowned Swami Vivekananda...India not only opened our minds, she expanded our moral imaginations. With religious texts that still summon the faithful to lives of dignity and discipline. With a poet who imagined a future [[Tagore|’Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high’]]—and with a man whose message of love and justice endures—the father of your nation, [[Mahatma Gandhi]].
**[[Barack Obama]]. Quoted from  Gewali, Salil (2013). Great Minds on India. New Delhi: Penguin Random House. [https://americanrhetoric.com/speeches/PDFFiles/Barack%20Obama%20-%20Indian%20Parliament.pdf]

===P===

* Over the years of sovereign development your country has achieved impressive results in social-economic, industrial and scientific spheres. Today India as an authoritative member of world community plays an important role in UN, SCO, BRICS, other global and regional structures.
** [[Vladimir Putin]] (Russian President) on India's 66th Independence Day [http://www.dnaindia.com/mumbai/report_vladimir-putin-lauds-india-s-progress-on-independence-day_1728053]

* India represents the new world in a unique sense. Traditionally democracies were trying to bring equality to all walks of life, today there is a change. Democracy wants to enable every country to have the equal right to be different; it's a collection of differences, not an attempt to force or impose equality on every country. I think '''India is the greatest show''' of how so many differences in language, in sects can coexist facing great suffering and keeping full freedom... Many of the countries in the Middle East should learn from you how to escape poverty. You didn't escape poverty by getting American dollars or Russian Roubles but by introducing your own internal reforms and by understanding that the new call of modernity is science. In between the spiritual wealth of [[Gandhi]] and the earthly wisdom of [[Nehru]], you combined a great performance of spirit and practice to escape poverty...I know you still have a long way to go but you do it without compromising freedom. The temptation when you're such a large country to introduce discipline and imposition is great but you tried to do it, to make progress not with force and discipline but in an open way. Many of us were educated on the literature of India when we fell in love we read Rabindranath Tagore and when we matured we tried to understand Gandhi.
** [[Shimon Peres]] (Israeli President), on India. [http://articles.economictimes.indiatimes.com/2012-12-04/news/35594466_1_greatest-show-mahatma-gandhi-democracies Israeli President Shimon Peres praises India as greatest 'show of co-existence'] (4 December 2012)

===R=== 

*Like every old civilisation still represented on this globe, India has been, and is, increasingly, in spite of appearances, returning to its original sources... It is from the depths of that old civilisation that India is most likely to draw the strength needed to adapt itself to the modern world.
**[[Amaury de Riencourt|Amaury de Riencourt]], The Soul of India. Quoted in [[K. R. Malkani|K.R. Malkani]]: Indian Express New Delhi, 27 July 1995 ‘One country, one people’ [Section V, 13. Secret of BJP’s success] and quoted from Time for stock taking, whither Sangh Parivar? Edited by Goel, S. R. (1997)

*At the foundation of all other American perceptions was the view that India was a land of mystery, exotic and inscrutable. ... A veil seemed to hang over the country, preventing observers from seeing its features clearly … Even those who understood East Asia, however, confessed themselves baffled by India.
**Rotter, Comrades at Odds: The United States and India , 1947-1964, 2000) 8, in     Malhotra, R., &amp; Infinity Foundation (Princeton, N.J.). (2018). Being different: An Indian challenge to western universalism.

* 'American selves, operating largely within the categories of sexuality, race, and illness, projected onto Indian Others traits that seemed loathsome or illicit: Indians were, among other things, unsanitary, disorderly, promiscuous, and primitive.' 
**Rotter, Comrades at Odds: The United States and India , 1947-1964, 2000: 35) in     Malhotra, R., &amp; Infinity Foundation (Princeton, N.J.). (2018). Being different: An Indian challenge to western universalism.

*'Westerners found in Indians the very opposite of their rational self-images, exemplars of the undesirable and forbidden … If order is the desideratum of the post-Enlightenment Westerner, the dirt and disorder of India was for the Westerner an object of loathing.'
**    Rotter, Comrades at Odds: The United States and India , 1947-1964, 2000) quoted in Malhotra, R., &amp; Infinity Foundation (Princeton, N.J.). (2018). Being different: An Indian challenge to western universalism.

*The Western representation of India as female conferred effeminacy on most Indian men. Caught in the enervating web of Hinduism, the majority of Indian men had been deprived of their manliness and their virility. In the context of gender, it is possible to discern three features that Westerners historically assigned to most Indian men. The first of these was passivity and its more exaggerated forms; the second was emotionalism; the third was a lack of heterosexual energy … Hindu men were passive, servile, and cowardly …They could endure anything, evidently without suffering from a sense of shame because of their inaction. They did not resist oppressors but rather regarded them with stupefying indifference … The exaggerated form of passivity was servility. This, Westerners declared, Hindu men had in abundance. Many implicitly subscribed to John Stuart Mill's observation that 'in truth, the Hindu, like the eunuch, excels in the qualities of the slave'.
**Rotter, Comrades at Odds: The United States and India , 1947-1964, 2000). quoted from      Malhotra, R., &amp; Infinity Foundation (Princeton, N.J.). (2018). Being different: An Indian challenge to western universalism.

===S===

* “I have had before me,” says a British judge in India, “hundreds of cases in which a man’s property, liberty and life depended upon his telling a lie, and he has refused to tell it.
**Colonel Sleeman, 1835-6. Quoted from Will Durant, Our Oriental Heritage. (also quoted by Max Muller)

* The Indian way of life provides the vision of the natural, real way of life. We [Westerners] veil ourselves with unnatural masks. On the face of India are the tender expressions which carry the mark of the Creator’s hand.
**George Bernard Shaw, Quoted from Gewali, Salil (2013). Great Minds on India. New Delhi: Penguin Random House. 

*Indeed how many were the seers and sages, poets and prophets - right from the Vedic age upto the modern times - who had fostered in the nation's breast the integrated and whole picture of Bharat as the Divine Mother. Bharat, in their eyes, was not a mere clod of clay. It was verily the Matrubhoomi, the Punyabhoomi, the Dharmabhoomi, the Devabhoomi, the Karmabhoomi - all sublimated into one single majestic figure of Bharat Mata. To Bankimchandra, She appeared as the triple manifestation of Saraswati, Lakshmi and Durga. Rabindranath Tagore visualised Her as Devi bhuvana-mana-mohini - the divine enchantress of the world. To [[Swami Vivekananda]], She was the Mother of all the thirty-three crores of gods and goddesses - whose worship would gratify all those myriad deities. Guruji Golwalkar visualised Her as Trinity of Mata - the loving mother, Pita - the protecting father, and Guru - the elevating spiritual guide. The unity of Bharat is so basic to its nature, so sublime in its depths - in fact, an inseparable aspect of its national soul.
**H. V. Sheshadri: The Tragic Story of Partition, Bangalore Jagarana Prakashana 1982, p.9. 

* India conquered and dominated [[China]] culturally for 20 centuries without ever having to send a single soldier across her border.
** [[Hu Shih|Hu Shih]], quoted in ''Consolation of Mind'' (2004). by H. K. Suhas, p. 111.

*We find among the Indians the vestiges of the most remote antiquity... We know that all peoples came there to draw the elements of their knowledge... India, in her splendour, gave religions and laws to all the other peoples; Egypt and Greece owed to her both their fables and their wisdom.
**Pierre Sonnerat: Voyage aux Indes orientales et a la Chine, Paris, 1782.  Quoted in A Look at India From the Views of Other Scholars, by Stephen Knapp [https://www.stephen-knapp.com/a_look_at_india_from_the_views_of_other_scholars.htm]

* The Indian way of life provides the vision of the natural, real way of life. We veil ourselves with unnatural masks. On the face of India are the tender expressions which carry the mark of the Creator's hand.
** [[George Bernard Shaw]], as quoted in ''Science &amp; Technology in India Through the Ages'', p. 213

* They have made present-day India, and Hinduism even more so, out to be a [[zoo]] – an agglomeration of assorted, disparate specimens. No such thing as ‘India’, just a geographical expression, just a construct of the British...  – that has been their stance.... Caste is real. The working class is real. Being a Naga is real. But ‘India is just a geographical expression!’... And anyone who maintains anything to the contrary is a fascist out to insinuate a unity, indeed to impose a uniformity, where there has been none. That is what our progressive ideologues declaim, as we have seen. In a word, the parts alone are real. The whole is just a construct. India has never been one, these ideologues insist – disparate peoples and regions were knocked together by the Aryans, by the Mughals, by the British for purposes of empire. Anyone who wants to use that construct – India – as the benchmark for determining the sort of structure under which we should live has a secret agenda – of enforcing Hindu hegemony. This is the continuance of, in a sense the culmination of, the [[Macaulay]]-Missionary technique. The British calculated that to subjugate India and hold it, they must undermine the essence of the people: this was Hinduism, and everything which flowed from it... India turns out to be a recent construct. It turns out to be neither a country nor a nation...
**    Arun Shourie (2014). Eminent historians: Their technology, their line, their fraud. Noida, Uttar Pradesh, India : HarperCollins Publishers.

===T===

* What India has been, the whole world is now. The whole world is becoming one country through scientific facility. And the moment is arriving when you also must find a basis of [[unity]] which is not political. If India can offer to the world her solution, it will be a contribution to humanity. There is only one [[history]] — the history of Man. All national histories are merely chapters in the larger one. 
** [[Rabindranath Tagore]], &quot;Nationalism in the West&quot;, 1917. Reprinted in Rabindranath Tagore and Mohit K. Ray, ''Essays'' (2007, p. 492).

*I cannot but bring to your mind those days when the whole of Eastern Asia, from Burma to Japan was united with India in the closest ties of friendship...
** [[Rabindranath Tagore]], Essays, Nationalism in Japan, Atlantic Publishers &amp; Dist, 2007 p.471, and quoted in A Look at India From the Views of Other Scholars, by Stephen Knapp [https://www.stephen-knapp.com/a_look_at_india_from_the_views_of_other_scholars.htm]

*At this supremely dangerous moment in human history, the only way of salvation is the ancient Hindu way. Here we have the attitude and spirit that can make it possible for the human race to grow together into a single family.
**Arnold Joseph Toynbee. Quoted from Gewali, Salil (2013). Great Minds on India. New Delhi: Penguin Random House. 

*India has a true friend in the White House.
** [[Donald Trump]], [http://indianexpress.com/article/india/india-has-true-friend-at-white-house-says-ivanka-trump-at-global-entrepreneurship-summit-full-text-ivanka-trump/ Indian Express]

* '''This is indeed India!''' the land of dreams and romance, of fabulous wealth and fabulous poverty, of splendor and rags, of palaces and hovels, of famine and pestilence, of genii and giants and Aladdin lamps, of tigers and elephants, the cobra and the jungle, the country of a hundred nations and a hundred tongues, of a thousand religions and two million gods, cradle of the human race, birthplace of human speech, mother of history, grandmother of legend, great-grandmother of tradition, whose yesterdays bear date with the mouldering antiquities of the rest of the nations — the one sole country under the sun that is endowed with an imperishable interest for alien prince and alien peasant, for lettered and ignorant, wise and fool, rich and poor, bond and free, the one land that all men desire to see, and having seen once, by even a glimpse, would not give that glimpse for the shows of all the rest of the globe combined. '''Even now, after the lapse of a year, the delirium of those days in Bombay has not left me, and I hope never will.'''
** [[Mark Twain]], ''[[w:Following the Equator|Following the Equator]]'' (1897), [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/5811/5811-h/5811-h.htm Ch. XXXVIII] Some sources also include the following: &quot;Our most valuable and most constructive materials in the history of man are treasured up in India only.&quot;

* Famine is India's specialty. Elsewhere famines are inconsequential incidents — in India they are devastating cataclysms; in one case they annihilate hundreds; in the other, millions. &lt;br&gt; '''India has 2,000,000 gods, and worships them all. In religion all other countries are paupers; India is the only millionaire.''' &lt;br&gt; With her everything is on a giant scale — even her poverty; no other country can show anything to compare with it. And she has been used to wealth on so vast a scale that she has to shorten to single words the expressions describing great sums.
** [[Mark Twain]], ''Following the Equator'' (1897), [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/2895/2895-h/p5.htm Ch. XLIII]

* India had the start of the whole world in the beginning of things. She had the first civilization; she had the first accumulation of material wealth; she was populous with deep thinkers and subtle intellects; she had mines, and woods, and a fruitful soil. It would seem as if she should have kept the lead, and should be to-day not the meek dependent of an alien master, but mistress of the world, and delivering law and command to every tribe and nation in it. But, in truth, there was never any possibility of such supremacy for her.
** [[Mark Twain]], ''Following the Equator'' (1897), Ch. XLIII

* '''So far as I am able to judge, nothing has been left undone, either by man or Nature, to make India the most extraordinary country that the sun visits on his round. Nothing seems to have been forgotten, nothing overlooked.''' Always, when you think you have come to the end of her tremendous specialties and have finished hanging tags upon her as the Land of the Thug, the Land of the Plague, the Land of Famine, the Land of Giant Illusions, the Land of Stupendous Mountains, and so forth, another specialty crops up and another tag is required. I have been overlooking the fact that India is by an unapproachable supremacy — the Land of Murderous Wild Creatures. '''Perhaps it will be simplest to throw away the tags and generalize her with one all-comprehensive name, as the Land of Wonders.'''
** [[Mark Twain]], ''Following the Equator'' (1897), [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/2895/2895-h/p6.htm Ch. LVII]

===U===
*With the support of Universal knowledge and our heritage, we shall create a Bharat which will excel all its past glories, and will enable every citizen in its fold to steadily progress in the development of his manifold latent possibilities and to achieve through a sense of unity with the entire creation, a state even higher than that of a complete human being; to become Narayan from nar (man). This is the external divine form of our culture. This is our message to humanity at a cross roads. May God give us strength to succeed in this mission.
**[[Deendayal Upadhyaya]] , Integral Humanism, quoted in L.K. Advani, My Country My Life (2008)

===V===

*The country north of the sea and south of the Himalayas &lt;br&gt; Is Bharata and her children are Bharati. &lt;br&gt; A thousand yojanas from north to south, &lt;br&gt; It has kiratas in the east and yavanas in the west.
**Vishnu Purana 2.3, verses 1, 8 quoted in [https://www.newindianexpress.com/opinions/2020/aug/14/the-idea-of-india-a-historical-corrective-2183141.html The Idea of India: A historical corrective] By Shonaleeka Kaul. Different translation: To the north of the oceans and the south of the Himalayas lies the land of Bharata, inhabited by Bharatis. Visnu Purana, quoted in The Aryan Invasion Theory and Indian Nationalism (1993) by S. Talageri

* Swami Vivekananda often spoke of the future greatness of India as surpassing all her glories of the past.
** [[w:Swami Nikhilananda|Swami Nikhilananda]], ''Swami Vivekânanda : A Biography'' (1975); the &quot;vaisya&quot; represent those primarily living at the mercantile levels of human motivation, and the sudra represent the working class, or laborers.

*This is the ancient land where wisdom made its home before it went into any other country, the same India whose influx of spirituality is represented, as it were, on the material plane, by rolling rivers like oceans, where the eternal Himalayas, rising tier above tier with their snowcaps, look as it were into the very mysteries of heaven. Here is the same India whose soil has been trodden by the feet of the greatest sages that ever lived. Here first sprang up inquiries into the nature of man and into the internal world. Here first arose the doctrines of the immortality of the soul, the existence of a supervising God, an immanent God in nature and in man, and here the highest ideals of religion and philosophy have attained their culminating points. This is the land from whence, like the tidal waves, spirituality and philosophy have again and again rushed out and deluged the world, and this is the land from whence once more such tides must proceed in order to bring life and vigour into the decaying races of mankind. It is the same India which has withstood the shocks of centuries, of hundreds of foreign invasions of hundreds of upheavals of manners and customs. It is the same land which stands firmer than any rock in the world, with its undying vigour, indestructible life. Its life is of the same nature as the soul, without beginning and without end, immortal; and we are the children of such a country. 
**Vivekananda, The Future of India, CW vol 3.

===W===

* India is truly a mystery containing all that is the worthiest, most spiritual, and intellectual in humankind and the worst aspects of humankind one could ever hope to find including total lack of concern for others, extreme material poverty, and spiritual bankruptcy and fraud. India is the world in other words with everything in the world revealed both of the highest form and lowest denominator. I love India. I hate India. I cannot ever go to India without returned with strong feelings about it. My later writings would not be the same without my frequent stays in India and the influences that this country has had on my thoughts and feelings. If India did not exist, we would create it just as it is perfect in its imperfection.
** Dr Fred Alan Wolf (Author of Taking the Quantum Leap: The New Physics for Nonscientists). As quoted in &quot;''Indian Ethos and Values in Management''&quot;, McGraw Hill India, 2011.

*The history of India for many centuries had been happier, less fierce, and more dreamlike than any other history. In these favorable conditions, they built a character meditative and peaceful and a nation of philosophers such as could have existed except nowhere in India.
**H.G. Wells. source: The Outline of History, H.G. Wells.  Quoted from Gewali, Salil (2013). Great Minds on India. New Delhi: Penguin Random House.

===X===

*The ordinary people … are upright and honourable... They are faithful to their oaths and promises... In their behavior there is much gentleness and sweetness.
** Chinese pilgrim Xuanzang/Yuan Chwang in the 7th century commenting on the people of India. Quoted from Lal, K. S. (1999). Theory and practice of Muslim state in India. New Delhi: Aditya Prakashan. Chapter 2

* They do not practice deceit, and they keep their sworn obligations. . . . They will not take anything wrongfully, and they yield more than fairness requires.” 
** Chinese pilgrim Xuanzang/Yuan Chwang. Quoted from [[Will Durant]], Our Oriental Heritage.

*“On examination, we find that the names of India (T’ien-chu) are various and perplexing as to their authority. It was anciently called Shin-tu, also Hien-tau; but now, according to the right pronunciation, it is called In-tu. The people of In-tu call their country by different names according to their district. Each country has diverse customs. Aiming at a general name which is the best sounding, we will call the country In-tu. In Chinese this name signifies the Moon. The moon has many names, of which this is one. For as it is said that all living things ceaselessly revolve in the wheel (of transmigration) through the long night of ignorance, without a guiding star, their case is like (the world), the sun gone down; as then the torch affords its connecting light, though there be the shining of the stars, how different from the bright (cool) moon; just so the bright connected light of holy men and sages, guiding the world as the shining of the moon, have made this country eminent, and so it is called In-tu. 
** Chinese pilgrim Xuanzang/Yuan Chwang (Vol. I. 69). quoted in Kishore, Kunal (2016). Ayodhyā revisited.

===Y===

*India is a nation of unfulfilled greatness. Its potential has lain fallow, under used.
**[[w:Lee Kuan Yew|Lee Kuan Yew]] in the second volume of his memoirs, published in 2000, quoted at [https://www.thequint.com/news/world/what-lee-kuan-yew-had-to-say-about-india]

*India is an intrinsic part of this unfolding new world order. India can no longer be dismissed as a “wounded civilisation”, in the hurtful phrase of a westernised non resident Indian author ([[V.S. Naipaul]]). 
**[[w:Lee Kuan Yew|Lee Kuan Yew]] - At the 37th Jawaharlal Nehru Memorial Lecture on 21st Nov 2005 in New Delhi, quoted at [https://www.thequint.com/news/world/what-lee-kuan-yew-had-to-say-about-india]

== See also ==
* [[Economy of India]]
* [[History of India]]
* [[India–Pakistan relations]]
* [[Indomania]]

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{commons}}
{{wikiversity|Comparative law and justice/India}}
{{wikibooks|Wikijunior:Asia/India}}
{{Wikivoyage}}
{{Wiktionary}}
{{wikisource}}
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    <title>Gracie Allen</title>
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      <text bytes="13815" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Gracie Allen CBS.JPG|thumb|right|I'll bet you say that to all the girls!]]
'''[[w:Gracie Allen|Grace Ethel Cecile Rosalie Allen]]''' ([[26 July]] [[1895]] [year uncertain] – [[27 August]] [[1964]]) was an American comedian, actress, singer, dancer; and the comedic partner and wife of [[George Burns]].

== Quotes ==
[[File:Baby in ball pit.jpg|thumb|right|I was so surprised at being [[born]] that I didn't speak for a year and a half.]]
[[File:George Burns Allan Warren.jpg|thumb|right|Never place a period where [[God]] has placed a comma.]]

* '''You're the only boy who ever made me cry, and I decided that if you could make me cry, I must really love you.'''
** Accepting a proposal of marriage from [[George Burns]] in December 1925, after a long period of reluctance, and dismissal of his overtures, as quoted in ''Gracie : A Love Story'' (1988) by George Burns, p. 17

* '''I'll bet you say that to all the girls!'''
** Gracie's typical reply in her comedic routines to a slight or insult she has mistaken for a compliment, as quoted in ''A Pictorial History of Vaudeville'' (1961) by Bernard Sobel, p. 130; also often quoted in slightly extended form as &quot;Oh, George, I bet you say that to all the girls!&quot;

* '''I think there's so much good in the worst of us, and so many of the worst of us get the best of us, that the rest of us aren't even worth talking about.'''
** As quoted in ''Say Good Night, Gracie! : The Story of Burns &amp; Allen'' (1986) by Cheryl Blythe and Susan Sackett, p. 48

* '''I was so surprised at being born that I didn't speak for a year and a half.'''
** As quoted in ''Gracie : A Love Story'' (1988) by George Burns, p. 17

* '''I read a book twice as fast as anybody else. First, I read the beginning, and then I read the ending, and then I start in the middle and read toward whatever end I like best.'''
** As quoted in ''Funny Ladies : The Best Humor from America's Funniest Women'' (2001) by Bill Adler, p. 51

* '''Never place a period where [[God]] has placed a comma.'''
** Last letter to [[George Burns]], as quoted in ''Two Minutes for God : Quick Fixes for the Spirit'' (2007) by Peter B. Panagore, p. 73; this was later used in a slogan for the United Church of Christ: &quot;'''Never place a period where God has placed a comma. God Is Still Speaking.'''&quot;

* '''George''': Gracie, those are beautiful flowers. Where did they come from? &lt;br&gt; '''Gracie''': Don't you remember, George? You said that if I went to visit Clara Bagley in the hospital I should be sure to take her flowers. So, when she wasn't looking, I did.
** Comedic routine, quoted in ''American Radio Networks : A History'' (2009) by Jim Cox, p. 144

=== ''How to Become President'' (1940) ===
[[File:Alice 05a-1116x1492.jpg|thumb|Who am I to [[talk]]? That’s a fair question, and one which deserves a better answer than I can give you.]]
[[File:Burns and Allen 1953.JPG|thumb|[[George Burns]] — that’s ''Mister'' Allen — was saying the other day that to be [[President of the United States]] you also have to have [[brains]], [[integrity]], [[ability]] and [[intelligence]], but I think he was just trying to talk me into it.]]
[[File:Burns allen 1955.JPG|thumb|Now, I don’t [[pretend]] to [[know]] [[all]] the answers. I’m just a plain, ordinary, everyday [[genius]] who loves her fellow-man whenever possible.]]
[[File:Gracie Allen (cut).JPG|thumb|Try to [[understand]] me. [[Nothing]] is [[impossible]].]]
[[File:Burns allen 1952.JPG|thumb|Everybody is just as [[good]] as anybody else, even though they aren’t quite so smart.]]
[[File:Eagle and American Flag by Bubbels.jpg|thumb|Let’s all pull together and make these [[United States]] the grandest place in this [[whole]] [[country]].]]
[[File:Gift of USSR.jpg|thumb|Cultivate [[friendships]]. If you don’t have [[time]] to cultivate all of them, plow under every fifth one and collect your bonus.]]
[[File:J20 corporate flag dc.jpg|thumb|[[Social]] [[Progress]] is not one of my goals. This [[country]] is not a social climber, and besides, the Treasury knows too many [[people]] already, if you know what I mean.]]

* '''Who am I to talk? That’s a fair question, and one which deserves a better answer than I can give you.''' … Come to think of it, who are you? Whoever you are, I sympathize with you. I sympathize with everybody; that’s what I get for being a candidate myself. '''Let them call us nonentities. Who cares? A nonenitiy can be just as famous as anybody else if enough people know about him. &lt;br&gt; But let’s leave personalities out of this and just talk about me.'''
** Ch. 1 : Government jobs pay big money

* One of the greatest problems today is about the people who would rather be right than be President. I have a solution for that. You can be Left and President: that way you can eat your cake and halve it too. Or you can stay in the middle of the road and get run over.
** Ch. 1 : Government jobs pay big money

* '''As we walk hand in hand through the pathways of knowledge, remember that I am giving you freely and without stint the full accumulation of my two months’ experience as a candidate.''' I have on file a complete record of everything I’ve said and done. '''Ever since I threw my hat in the ring I have had myself shadowed, and the results were very entertaining.''' The things that go on in those back rooms, you wouldn’t believe. &lt;br&gt; So now we begin our journey together. If you follow these instructions carefully, you will find that every step of your progress, like the path that climbs up and up from the sheltered valley, offers you an ever-wider and more facinating vista, until at last you come out upon the summit of the wrong hill.
** Ch. 1 : Government jobs pay big money

* Presidents are made, not born. That’s a good thing to remember. '''It’s silly to think that Presidents are born, because very few people are 35 years old at birth, and those who are won’t admit it.''' So if you’re only 16 don’t be discouraged, because it’s only a phase and there’s nothing wrong with you that you won’t outgrow.
** Ch. 2 : Others make good, why not you?

* Of course, it goes without saying that every candidate must be progressive, fearless, vigorous, and liberal; invincible in victory and invisible in defeat, awake to the needs of the people whether they know what they know what they need or not. You should also come from a good family, because '''while breeding isn’t everything, it is said to be lots of fun.''' [[George Burns]] — that’s ''Mister'' Allen — was saying the other day that to be President of the United States you also have to have brains, integrity, ability and intelligence, but I think he was just trying to talk me into it. 
** Ch. 2 : Others make good, why not you?

* All the other candidates are making speeches about how much they have done for this country, which is ridiculous. I haven’t done anything yet, and I think it’s just common sense to send me to Washington and make me do my share.
** Ch. 2 : Others make good, why not you?

* '''Every politician must be able to keep both feet on the fence with his ear to the ground.'''
** Ch. 2 : Others make good, why not you?

* '''Now, I don’t pretend to know all the answers. I’m just a plain, ordinary, everyday genius who loves her fellow-man whenever possible.''' But let me tell you that women are getting very tired of running a poor second to the Forgotten Man, and with all the practice we’ve had around the house the time is ripe for a woman to sweep the country. '''I’ll make a prediction with my eyes open: that a woman can and will be elected if she is qualified and gets enough votes.'''
** Ch. 3 : Why a woman president? Well, why?

* You remember me. I’m Gracie Allen. '''I’m the candidate who forgot to take off her hat before she threw it in the ring.''' &lt;br&gt; Furthermore, I’m the only candidate who got the idea of running myself. All the others had to have somebody else think it up for them, or anyway they say the only reason they’re running is because their many friends kept after them and after them until they finally gave in.
** Ch. 4 : How to attract attention and be drafted

* '''Try to understand me. Nothing is impossible.'''
** Ch. 4 : How to attract attention and be drafted

* I fully realize that every promise I make, the Republicans will double and the Democrats will redouble. They think this will make me vulnerable, but they don’t know I have some tricks up my sleeve, along with a box of raisins to munch on while I’m waiting for the returns to come in.
** Ch. 5 : Issues and how to pick them

* A keyhole speech is very simple, especially mine. First it states the issues. An issue is just a difference of opinion, which is why we put erasers on horse races. And '''as I always say, as long as we have issues, we can’t have everything'''. Second, the speech goes on to attack the present administration and show how it has ruined the country. Then it goes on to attack the other candidates and show how they’ll keep it ruined, and generally builds up a warm and friendly atmosphere.
** Ch. 5 : Issues and how to pick them

* '''Today millions of people are living who will never do it again. Millions are being born for the first time–and millions are doing nothing because it’s the best offer they’ve had this week.''' … It is for these people and many others that the Surprise Party is conceived and desecrated, founded upon the principle that everybody is just as good as anybody else, even though they aren’t quite so smart.
** Ch. 5 : Issues and how to pick them

* '''Let’s all pull together and make these United States the grandest place in this whole country.''' I see a vision. A glorious vision. A united people, marching forward shoulder to shoulder, giving their all for the common good, working while I whistle.
** Ch. 5 : Issues and how to pick them

* As a well-known great man would have said if he had thought of it, “'''Don’t go around offending people just because it can be done sitting down.'''”
** Ch. 6 : How not to offend anybody

* '''Cultivate friendships. If you don’t have time to cultivate all of them, plow under every fifth one and collect your bonus.'''
** Ch. 6 : How not to offend anybody

* When you learn to make everybody happy, you will possess the golden secret of how to milk the contented voters. But do it in such a way that they won’t think you want them to vote for you just because you need the money. &lt;br&gt; ''They'' need the money, and besides, they can think up other reasons if they try.
** Ch. 6 : How not to offend anybody

* The masses demand a fighting President, and that means you’ve got to offend somebody, because the way I see it, a strong offense is the best attack. &lt;br&gt; So what can you offend? &lt;br&gt; That’s an easy one. '''Offend the other candidates, because they’ll be too busy talking to hear you, and besides, they might not vote for you anyway.'''
** Ch. 6 : How not to offend anybody

* '''A platform is something a candidate stands for and the voters fall for.'''
** Ch. 7 : Buying a good used platform

* '''I’m having my platform run up by a movie set designer, so it will be very impressive from the front, but not too premanent.''' After all, there’s no sense putting a lot of time and thought into something you’ll have no use for after you’re elected.
** Ch. 7 : Buying a good used platform

* This country needs room to grow and expand. In all my own newspapers I read frightful tales of the shameful atrocities being perpetrated on our Democratic minorities in [[w:Maine|Maine]] and [[Vermont]]. My patience is almost at an end, and if provoked much further I will place both countries under American protection, even if I have to send in my tourists to start trouble so I’ll have to send in a force to restore order.
** Ch. 7 : Buying a good used platform

* Social Progress is not one of my goals. This country is not a social climber, and besides, the Treasury knows too many people already, if you know what I mean. &lt;br&gt; '''So vote early and often. Don’t wait until Election Day.''' I may have found other work by then. Do it now!
** Ch. 7 : Buying a good used platform

{{disputed begin}}

== Disputed ==
* '''Goodnight, Gracie.'''
** It's commonly believed that at the end of stage shows Allen would reply to [[George Burns]] line &quot;Say goodnight, Gracie&quot;, with &quot;Goodnight, Gracie&quot;. Recordings from the time do not have her using this reply.

{{disputed end}}

== Quotes about Allen ==
* '''Gracie gets her laughs — we hope — because we often think the way Gracie talks, but we pride ourselves that we never talk the way Gracie thinks.'''
** [[George Burns]], as quoted in ''Say Good Night, Gracie! : The Story of Burns &amp; Allen'' (1986) by Cheryl Blythe and Susan Sackett, p. 18

* '''Although they had equal billing, this married couple headlined a show that was wholly dependent on the skewed behavior of one of its stars, Gracie Allen.''' It took a big man, [[George Burns]], to recognize that his wife was ''the'' laugh-getter, and to yield to her as the quintessential straight-man.
** Jim Cox, in ''American Radio Networks : A History'' (2009), p. 144

==External links== 
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
* [http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0020555/ Profile at IMDb]
* [http://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&amp;GRid=22 Profile at Findagrave]


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[[Category:1895 births]]
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[[File:Apocalypse Now Logo.png|right|thumb|The horror! The horror!]]
[[File:PBR Mk I.jpg|right|thumb|Your mission is to proceed up the Nung River in a Navy patrol boat. Pick up Colonel Kurtz's path at Nu Mung Ba...]]
'''''[[w:Apocalypse Now|Apocalypse Now]]''''' is a 1979 [[w:epic film|epic]] [[w:war film|war film]] that follows Captain Willard on a dangerous mission to assassinate a renegade Green Beret who has set himself up as a god of a band of brutal guerrillas in the jungles of Cambodia. It is a very loose adaptation of the 1899 novella ''[[Heart of Darkness]]'' by [[Joseph Conrad]].
:''Directed by [[w:Francis Ford Coppola|Francis Ford Coppola]]. Written by Francis Ford Coppola and [[w:John Milius|John Milius]].''
{{center|'''The Horror. . . The Horror. . .'''&lt;small&gt;[[#Taglines|taglines]]&lt;/small&gt;}}

== [[w:Colonel Kurtz|Colonel Walter E. Kurtz]] ==
* I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor. That's my dream. That's my nightmare: crawling, slithering, along the edge of a straight razor and surviving.

* Have you ever considered any real freedoms? Freedoms from the opinion of others... even the opinions of yourself?

* As long as cold beer, hot food, rock 'n' roll, and all the other amenities remain expected norm, our conduct of the war will only gain impotence.

* I've seen horrors, horrors that you've seen. But you have no right to call me a murderer.  You have a right to kill me. You have a right to do that, but you have no right to judge me. It's impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what horror means. Horror! Horror has a face, and you must make a friend of horror. Horror and moral terror are your friends. If they are not, then they are enemies to be feared. They are truly enemies.

* I remember when I was with Special Forces. Seems a thousand centuries ago. We went into a camp to inoculate the children. We left the camp after we had inoculated the children for polio, and this old man came running after us and he was crying. He couldn't see. We went back there and they had come and hacked off every inoculated arm. There they were in a pile: a pile of little arms. And I remember I...I...I cried. I wept like some grandmother. I wanted to tear my teeth out. I didn't know what I wanted to do. And I want to remember it. I never want to forget it. I never want to forget. And then I realized, like I was  shot — like I was shot with a diamond...a diamond bullet right  through my forehead. And I thought: My God, the genius of that. The genius! The will to do that: perfect, genuine, complete, crystalline, pure. And then I realized they were stronger than we, because they could stand it. These were not monsters. These were men, trained cadres — these men who fought with their hearts, who had families, who have children, who are filled with love — but they had the strength — the strength! — to do that. If I had ten divisions of those men our troubles here would be over very quickly. You have to have men who are moral and at the same time who are able to utilize their primordial instincts to kill without feeling, without passion, without judgement. Without judgement! Because it's judgement that defeats us.

* We train young men to drop fire on people, but their commanders won't allow them to write &quot;fuck&quot; on their airplanes because it's obscene!

* I worry that my son might not understand what I've tried to be. And if I were to be killed, Willard, I would want someone to go to my home and tell my son everything &amp;ndash; everything I did, everything you saw &amp;ndash; because there's nothing that I detest more than the stench of lies. And if you understand me, Willard, you will do this for me.?

* The horror!  The horror! ''[These are Kurtz's last words, and parallel those of the novella's Mr. Kurtz character.]''

== Captain [[w:Benjamin L. Willard|Benjamin L. Willard]] ==
[[File:Felseninsel Stein beim Ausbruch 2005.jpg|thumb|right| Everything I saw told me that Kurtz had gone insane. … If I was still alive, it was because he wanted me that way.]]
* Saigon... shit; I'm still only in Saigon... Every time I think I'm gonna wake up back in the jungle. When I was home after my first tour, it was worse. I'd wake up and there'd be nothing. I hardly said a word to my wife, until I said &quot;yes&quot; to a divorce. When I was here, I wanted to be there; when I was there, all I could think of was getting back into the jungle. I'm here a week now... waiting for a mission... getting softer. Every minute I stay in this room, I get weaker, and every minute Charlie squats in the bush, he gets stronger. Each time I looked around the walls moved in a little tighter.

* ''[voiceover]'' I was going to the worst place in the world and I didn't even know it yet. Weeks away and hundreds of miles up a river that snaked through the war like a main circuit cable plugged straight into Kurtz. It was no accident that I got to be the caretaker of Colonel Walter E. Kurtz's memory any more than being back in Saigon was an accident. There is no way to tell his story without telling my own. And if his story really is a confession, then so is mine.

* ''The Horror, the horror

* ''[voiceover]'' It's a way we had over here with living with ourselves. We cut 'em in half with a machine gun and give 'em a Band-Aid. It was a lie. And the more I saw them, the more I hated lies.

* ''[voiceover]'' Oh man... the bullshit piled up so fast in Vietnam, you needed wings to stay above it.

* ''[reading a letter Kurtz has sent to his son]''&lt;br&gt;Dear son,&lt;br&gt;I'm afraid that both you and your mother will have been worried at not hearing from me during the past weeks, but my situation here has become a difficult one. I've been officially accused of murder by the Army. The alleged victims were four Vietnamese double agents. We spent months uncovering them and accumulating evidence. When absolute proof was completed, we acted. We acted like soldiers. The charges are unjustified. They are in fact, and in the circumstances of this conflict, quite completely insane. In a war, there are many moments for compassion and tender action. There are many moments for ruthless action — what is often called ruthless, what may in many circumstances be only clarity — seeing clearly what there is to be done and doing it directly, quickly, awake, looking at it. I will trust you to tell your mother what you choose about this letter. As for the charges against me, I am unconcerned. I am beyond their timid, lying morality, and so I am beyond caring.&lt;br&gt;You have all my faith.&lt;br&gt;Your loving father.&quot;

* 'Never get out of the boat.' Absolutely goddamn right! Unless you were goin' all the way... Kurtz got off the boat. He split from the whole fuckin' program.

* Part of me was afraid of what I would find and what I would do when I got there. I knew the risks, or imagined I knew. But the thing I felt the most, much stronger than fear, was the desire to confront him.

* ''[voiceover]'' They were gonna make me a major for this, and I wasn't even in their fuckin' army anymore. Everybody wanted me to do it, him most of all. I felt like he was up there, waiting for me to take the pain away. He just wanted to go out like a soldier, standing up, not like some poor, wasted, rag-assed renegade. Even the jungle wanted him dead, and that's who he really took his orders from anyway.

* ''[voiceover]'' Everyone gets everything he wants. I wanted a mission, and for my sins, they gave me one. Brought it up to me like room service. It was a real choice mission, and when it was over, I never wanted another.

== Lieutenant Colonel William &quot;Bill&quot; Kilgore ==
[[File:Napalm.jpg|thumb|right|I love the smell of napalm in the morning.]]
* You smell that? Do you smell that? Napalm, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. '''I love the smell of napalm in the morning.''' You know, one time we had a hill bombed, for 12 hours. When it was all over, I walked up. We didn't find one of 'em, not one stinkin' dink body. The smell, you know that gasoline smell, the whole hill. Smelled like...victory. Someday this war's gonna end.
**''Note: bolded line is ranked #12 in the [[w:AFI's 100 Years... 100 Movie Quotes|American Film Institute's list of the top 100 movie quotations]] in American cinema, and has replaced the full reference in popular culture.''
* Charlie don't surf!
* If I say it’s safe to surf this beach, Captain, it’s safe to surf this beach!

== Engineman 3rd Class Jay &quot;Chef&quot; Hicks ==
[[File:Tgeris,2009-1-10.jpg|right|thumb|Fucking tiger!]]
* ''[after being given a &quot;tour&quot; of Kurtz's camp, which contained rows of human heads impaled on spikes and displayed around ancient temples, Chef is horrified]'' &lt;br&gt;&quot;This Colonel guy? He's wacko, man! '''He's far worse than crazy - he's evil!''' I mean that's what the man's got set up here. It's fuckin' pagan idolatry! Look around you. Shit! He's loco... I ain't afraid of all them fuckin' skulls and altars and shit. I used to think if I died in an evil place, then my soul wouldn't be able to make it to Heaven. But now? Fuck! I mean, I don't care where it goes, as long as it ain't here! So whaddya wanna do? ''I'll'' kill the fuck...&quot;

== Photojournalist ==
* This is dialectics. It's very simple dialectics: one through nine, no maybes, no supposes, no fractions. You can't travel in space, you can't go out into space, you know, without like, you know, with fractions! What are you going to land on: one quarter, three eighths? What are you going to do when you go from here to Venus or something? That's dialectic physics, okay?

* This is the way the world ends. Look at this shit we're in man. Not with a bang, but with a whimper, and with a whimper, I'm splitting, Jack. ''[Note: This is a variation on [[w:T.S. Eliot|T.S. Eliot's]]'' [[w:The Hollow Men|The Hollow Men]] ''&amp;ndash; &quot;This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper&quot;.]''

* ''[talking to Willard about Kurtz]'' Why? Why would a nice guy like you want to kill a genius? Going down pretty good, huh? Why? Do you know that the man really likes you? He likes you. He really likes you. But he's got something in mind for you. Aren't you curious about that? I'm curious. I'm very curious. Are you curious? There's something happening out here, man. You know something, man? I know something you that you don't know. That's right, Jack. The man is clear in his mind, but his soul is mad. Oh, yeah. He's dying, I think. He hates all this. He hates it!  But the man's a... He reads poetry out loud, all right? And a voice... He likes you because you're still alive. He's got plans for you. No, I'm not gonna help you. You're gonna help him, man. You're gonna help him. I mean, what are they gonna say, man, when he's gone? 'Cause he dies when it dies, man! When it dies, he dies! What are they gonna say about him? What? Are they gonna say he was a kind man? He was a wise man? He had plans? He had wisdom? Bullshit, man! And am I gonna be the one that's gonna set them straight? Look at me! Wrong! ''[points to Willard]'' You!

== Lieutenant General Corman ==
* Well, you see Willard, in this war, things get confused out there: power, ideals, the old morality, practical military necessity. But out there with these natives, it must be a temptation to be god, because there's a conflict in every human heart, between the rational and the irrational, between good and evil, and good does not always triumph. Sometimes, the dark side overcomes what [[Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]] called the better angels of our nature. Every man has got a breaking point. You and I have one. Walter Kurtz has reached his, and very obviously, he has gone insane.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Colonel G. Lucas''': Your mission is to proceed up the Nung River in a Navy patrol boat. Pick up Colonel Kurtz's path at Nu Mung Ba, follow it, and learn what you can along the way. When you find the Colonel, infiltrate his team by whatever means available and terminate the Colonel's command.
:'''Captain Benjamin L. Willard''': Terminate the Colonel?
:'''General Corman''': He's out there operating without any decent restraint, totally beyond the pale of any acceptable human conduct. And he is still in the field commanding troops. 
: '''Jerry''': '''[[w:Terminate with extreme prejudice|Terminate with extreme prejudice]].'''
:'''Lucas''': You understand, Captain, that this mission does not exist, nor will it ever exist.
[[File:Us-special_forces.svg|right|thumb|Terminate with extreme prejudice.]]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Engineman 3rd Class Jay &quot;Chef&quot; Hicks''': How come all you guys sit on your helmets?
:'''Soldier''': So we don't get our balls blown off.
:''[Chef laughs a little, then sits on his helmet.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Captain Benjamin L. Willard''': Are you crazy, God damn it?  Don't you think its a little risky for some R&amp;R?
: '''Lieutenant Colonel William &quot;Bill&quot; Kilgore''': If I say it's safe to surf this beach, Captain, then it's safe to surf this beach. I mean, I'm not afraid to surf this place. I'll surf this whole fucking place!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Captain Benjamin L. Willard''': Who's the commanding officer here, soldier?
:'''Infantryman''': Ain't you?
:&amp;hellip;
:'''Captain Benjamin L. Willard''': Soldier, do you know who's in command here?
:'''The Roach''': Yeah.
:''[He turns away.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lt. Carlsen''': I'm Lt. Carlsen. I was sent from Nha Trang with this message for you three days ago, sir. They expected you here a little sooner. This is mail for the boat's crew. You don't know how happy this makes me in delivering all this.
:'''Captain Benjamin L. Willard''': Why?
:'''Lt. Carlsen''': Because now I can get out of here... if I can find a way. ''[an enemy artillery shell lands dangerously close by as Lt. Carlsen runs away]'' You're in the asshole of the world, Captain!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Captain Benjamin L. Willard''': My mission is to make it up into Cambodia. There's a Green Beret Colonel up there who's gone insane. I'm supposed to kill him.
:'''Engineman 3rd Class Jay &quot;Chef&quot; Hicks''': That's fucking typical! Shit. Fuckin' Vietnam mission! I'm short, and we gotta go up there so you can kill one of our own guys? That's fuckin' great! That's just fuckin' great, man. Shit. That's fuckin'... crazy! I thought you were going in there to blow up a bridge, or, some fucking railroad tracks or somethin'.
:'''Captain Benjamin L. Willard''': I'm sorry. Look, I'll cut you loose here and you can turn around and...
:'''Engineman 3rd Class Jay &quot;Chef&quot; Hicks''': ''[interrupting]'' No, no, we go together... on the boat! We came this far, so we go together. All the way! We'll take you up there, we'll go with you... but on the boat! Okay?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
[[File:Hello water buffalo.jpg|right|thumb|I don't see any method at all, sir.]]
:'''Captain Benjamin L. Willard''': Could we, uh, talk to Colonel Kurtz?
:'''Photojournalist''': Hey, man, you don't talk to the Colonel. You listen to him. The man's enlarged my mind. He's a poet-warrior in the classic sense. I mean, sometimes he'll, uh, well, you'll say hello to him, right? And he'll just walk right by you, and he won't even notice you. And suddenly he'll grab you, and he'll throw you in a corner, and he'll say &quot;Do you know that 'if' is the middle word in life? 'If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you, if you can trust yourself when all men doubt you'&quot; I mean, I'm no — I can't — I'm a little man. I'm a little man. He's, he's a great man. I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across floors of silent seas. ''[Note: The last sentences here reference first [[Rudyard Kipling|Rudyard Kipling's]] poem'' [[w:If—|If—]] ''and then [[T.S. Eliot|T.S. Eliot's]] poem'' [[w:The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock|The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock]]''.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Colonel Walter E. Kurtz''': Did they say why, Willard, why they want to terminate my command?
:'''Captain Benjamin L. Willard''': I was sent on a classified mission, sir.
:'''Kurtz''': It's no longer classified, is it? Did they tell you?
:'''Willard''': They told me that you had gone totally insane, and that your methods were unsound.
:'''Kurtz''': Are my methods unsound?
:'''Willard:''' I don't see any method at all, sir.
:'''Kurtz''': I expected someone like you. What did you expect? Are you an assassin?
:'''Willard''': I'm a soldier.
:'''Kurtz''': You're neither. You're an errand boy, sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill.

== Cast ==
* [[Marlon Brando]] - [[w:Colonel Kurtz|Colonel Walter E. Kurtz]]
* [[w:Robert Duvall|Robert Duvall]] - Lieutenant Colonel William &quot;Bill&quot; Kilgore
* [[Martin Sheen]] - Captain [[w:Benjamin L. Willard|Benjamin L. Willard]]
* [[w:Frederic Forrest|Frederic Forrest]] - Engineman Third Class Jay &quot;Chef&quot; Hicks
* [[w:Albert Hall (actor)|Albert Hall]] - Quartermaster George &quot;Chief&quot; Phillips
* [[w:Sam Bottoms|Sam Bottoms]] - Lance B. Johnson
* [[w:Laurence Fishburne|Laurence Fishburne]] - Gunner's Mate 3rd Class Tyrone &quot;Mr. Clean&quot; Miller
* [[w:Dennis Hopper|Dennis Hopper]] - Photojournalist
* [[Harrison Ford]] - Colonel G. Lucas
* [[w:G.D. Spradlin|G.D. Spradlin]] - Lieutenant General Corman
* [[w:Jerry Ziesmer|Jerry Ziesmer]] - Jerry
* [[w:Scott Glenn|Scott Glenn]] - Lieutenant Richard M. Colby
* [[w:Aurore Clement|Aurore Clement]] - Roxanne Sarrault
* [[w:Cynthia Wood|Cynthia Wood]] - Playmate of the year

== Taglines ==
* The Horror. . . The Horror. . .

* THIS IS THE END!

* To the victims go the spoils.

* MORNING SMELLS Some People Like Coffee. Some People Like Napalm.

* It is impossible to describe what is necessary, to those who do not know what horror means. You must make a friend of horror.

* CHARLIE DON'T SURF!

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} 
* {{imdb title|id=0078788|title=Apocalypse Now}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=apocalypse_now|title=Apocalypse Now}}

[[Category:1979 films]]
[[Category:Epic films]]
[[Category:Vietnam War films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Anti-war films]]
[[Category:Films directed by Francis Ford Coppola]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]</text>
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[[File:Apocalypse Now Logo.png|right|thumb|The horror! The horror!]]
[[File:PBR Mk I.jpg|right|thumb|Your mission is to proceed up the Nung River in a Navy patrol boat. Pick up Colonel Kurtz's path at Nu Mung Ba...]]
'''''[[w:Apocalypse Now|Apocalypse Now]]''''' is a 1979 [[w:epic film|epic]] [[w:war film|war film]] that follows Captain Willard on a dangerous mission to assassinate a renegade Green Beret who has set himself up as a god of a band of brutal guerrillas in the jungles of Cambodia. It is a very loose adaptation of the 1899 novella ''[[Heart of Darkness]]'' by [[Joseph Conrad]].
:''Directed by [[w:Francis Ford Coppola|Francis Ford Coppola]]. Written by Francis Ford Coppola and [[w:John Milius|John Milius]].''
{{center|'''The Horror. . . The Horror. . .'''&lt;small&gt;[[#Taglines|taglines]]&lt;/small&gt;}}

== [[w:Colonel Kurtz|Colonel Walter E. Kurtz]] ==
* I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor. That's my dream. That's my nightmare: crawling, slithering, along the edge of a straight razor and surviving.

* Have you ever considered any real freedoms? Freedoms from the opinion of others... even the opinions of yourself?

* As long as cold beer, hot food, rock 'n' roll, and all the other amenities remain expected norm, our conduct of the war will only gain impotence.

* I've seen horrors, horrors that you've seen. But you have no right to call me a murderer.  You have a right to kill me. You have a right to do that, but you have no right to judge me. It's impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what horror means. Horror! Horror has a face, and you must make a friend of horror. Horror and moral terror are your friends. If they are not, then they are enemies to be feared. They are truly enemies.

* I remember when I was with Special Forces. Seems a thousand centuries ago. We went into a camp to inoculate the children. We left the camp after we had inoculated the children for polio, and this old man came running after us and he was crying. He couldn't see. We went back there and they had come and hacked off every inoculated arm. There they were in a pile: a pile of little arms. And I remember I...I...I cried. I wept like some grandmother. I wanted to tear my teeth out. I didn't know what I wanted to do. And I want to remember it. I never want to forget it. I never want to forget. And then I realized, like I was  shot — like I was shot with a diamond...a diamond bullet right  through my forehead. And I thought: My God, the genius of that. The genius! The will to do that: perfect, genuine, complete, crystalline, pure. And then I realized they were stronger than we, because they could stand it. These were not monsters. These were men, trained cadres — these men who fought with their hearts, who had families, who have children, who are filled with love — but they had the strength — the strength! — to do that. If I had ten divisions of those men our troubles here would be over very quickly. You have to have men who are moral and at the same time who are able to utilize their primordial instincts to kill without feeling, without passion, without judgement. Without judgement! Because it's judgement that defeats us.

* We train young men to drop fire on people, but their commanders won't allow them to write &quot;fuck&quot; on their airplanes because it's obscene!

* I worry that my son might not understand what I've tried to be. And if I were to be killed, Willard, I would want someone to go to my home and tell my son everything &amp;ndash; everything I did, everything you saw &amp;ndash; because there's nothing that I detest more than the stench of lies. And if you understand me, Willard, you will do this for me.?

* The horror!  The horror! ''[These are Kurtz's last words, and parallel those of the novella's Mr. Kurtz character.]''

== Captain [[w:Benjamin L. Willard|Benjamin L. Willard]] ==
[[File:Felseninsel Stein beim Ausbruch 2005.jpg|thumb|right| Everything I saw told me that Kurtz had gone insane. … If I was still alive, it was because he wanted me that way.]]
* Saigon... shit; I'm still only in Saigon... Every time I think I'm gonna wake up back in the jungle. When I was home after my first tour, it was worse. I'd wake up and there'd be nothing. I hardly said a word to my wife, until I said &quot;yes&quot; to a divorce. When I was here, I wanted to be there; when I was there, all I could think of was getting back into the jungle. I'm here a week now... waiting for a mission... getting softer. Every minute I stay in this room, I get weaker, and every minute Charlie squats in the bush, he gets stronger. Each time I looked around the walls moved in a little tighter.

* ''[voiceover]'' I was going to the worst place in the world and I didn't even know it yet. Weeks away and hundreds of miles up a river that snaked through the war like a main circuit cable plugged straight into Kurtz. It was no accident that I got to be the caretaker of Colonel Walter E. Kurtz's memory any more than being back in Saigon was an accident. There is no way to tell his story without telling my own. And if his story really is a confession, then so is mine.

* ''[voiceover]'' It's a way we had over here with living with ourselves. We cut 'em in half with a machine gun and give 'em a Band-Aid. It was a lie. And the more I saw them, the more I hated lies.

* ''[voiceover]'' Oh man... the bullshit piled up so fast in Vietnam, you needed wings to stay above it.

* ''[reading a letter Kurtz has sent to his son]''&lt;br&gt;Dear son,&lt;br&gt;I'm afraid that both you and your mother will have been worried at not hearing from me during the past weeks, but my situation here has become a difficult one. I've been officially accused of murder by the Army. The alleged victims were four Vietnamese double agents. We spent months uncovering them and accumulating evidence. When absolute proof was completed, we acted. We acted like soldiers. The charges are unjustified. They are in fact, and in the circumstances of this conflict, quite completely insane. In a war, there are many moments for compassion and tender action. There are many moments for ruthless action — what is often called ruthless, what may in many circumstances be only clarity — seeing clearly what there is to be done and doing it directly, quickly, awake, looking at it. I will trust you to tell your mother what you choose about this letter. As for the charges against me, I am unconcerned. I am beyond their timid, lying morality, and so I am beyond caring.&lt;br&gt;You have all my faith.&lt;br&gt;Your loving father.&quot;

* 'Never get out of the boat.' Absolutely goddamn right! Unless you were goin' all the way... Kurtz got off the boat. He split from the whole fuckin' program.

* Part of me was afraid of what I would find and what I would do when I got there. I knew the risks, or imagined I knew. But the thing I felt the most, much stronger than fear, was the desire to confront him.

* ''[voiceover]'' They were gonna make me a major for this, and I wasn't even in their fuckin' army anymore. Everybody wanted me to do it, him most of all. I felt like he was up there, waiting for me to take the pain away. He just wanted to go out like a soldier, standing up, not like some poor, wasted, rag-assed renegade. Even the jungle wanted him dead, and that's who he really took his orders from anyway.

* ''[voiceover]'' Everyone gets everything he wants. I wanted a mission, and for my sins, they gave me one. Brought it up to me like room service. It was a real choice mission, and when it was over, I never wanted another.

== Lieutenant Colonel William &quot;Bill&quot; Kilgore ==
[[File:Napalm.jpg|thumb|right|I love the smell of napalm in the morning.]]
* You smell that? Do you smell that? Napalm, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. '''I love the smell of napalm in the morning.''' You know, one time we had a hill bombed, for 12 hours. When it was all over, I walked up. We didn't find one of 'em, not one stinkin' dink body. The smell, you know that gasoline smell, the whole hill. Smelled like...victory. Someday this war's gonna end.
**''Note: bolded line is ranked #12 in the [[w:AFI's 100 Years... 100 Movie Quotes|American Film Institute's list of the top 100 movie quotations]] in American cinema, and has replaced the full reference in popular culture.''
* Charlie don't surf!
* If I say it’s safe to surf this beach, Captain, it’s safe to surf this beach!

== Engineman 3rd Class Jay &quot;Chef&quot; Hicks ==
[[File:Tgeris,2009-1-10.jpg|right|thumb|Fucking tiger!]]
* ''[after being given a &quot;tour&quot; of Kurtz's camp, which contained rows of human heads impaled on spikes and displayed around ancient temples, Chef is horrified]'' &lt;br&gt;&quot;This Colonel guy? He's wacko, man! '''He's far worse than crazy - he's evil!''' I mean that's what the man's got set up here. It's fuckin' pagan idolatry! Look around you. Shit! He's loco... I ain't afraid of all them fuckin' skulls and altars and shit. I used to think if I died in an evil place, then my soul wouldn't be able to make it to Heaven. But now? Fuck! I mean, I don't care where it goes, as long as it ain't here! So whaddya wanna do? ''I'll'' kill the fuck...&quot;

== Photojournalist ==
* This is dialectics. It's very simple dialectics: one through nine, no maybes, no supposes, no fractions. You can't travel in space, you can't go out into space, you know, without like, you know, with fractions! What are you going to land on: one quarter, three eighths? What are you going to do when you go from here to Venus or something? That's dialectic physics, okay?

* This is the way the world ends. Look at this shit we're in man. Not with a bang, but with a whimper, and with a whimper, I'm splitting, Jack. ''[Note: This is a variation on [[w:T.S. Eliot|T.S. Eliot's]]'' [[w:The Hollow Men|The Hollow Men]] ''&amp;ndash; &quot;This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper&quot;.]''

* ''[talking to Willard about Kurtz]'' Why? Why would a nice guy like you want to kill a genius? Going down pretty good, huh? Why? Do you know that the man really likes you? He likes you. He really likes you. But he's got something in mind for you. Aren't you curious about that? I'm curious. I'm very curious. Are you curious? There's something happening out here, man. You know something, man? I know something you that you don't know. That's right, Jack. The man is clear in his mind, but his soul is mad. Oh, yeah. He's dying, I think. He hates all this. He hates it!  But the man's a... He reads poetry out loud, all right? And a voice... He likes you because you're still alive. He's got plans for you. No, I'm not gonna help you. You're gonna help him, man. You're gonna help him. I mean, what are they gonna say, man, when he's gone? 'Cause he dies when it dies, man! When it dies, he dies! What are they gonna say about him? What? Are they gonna say he was a kind man? He was a wise man? He had plans? He had wisdom? Bullshit, man! And am I gonna be the one that's gonna set them straight? Look at me! Wrong! ''[points to Willard]'' You!

== Lieutenant General Corman ==
* Well, you see Willard, in this war, things get confused out there: power, ideals, the old morality, practical military necessity. But out there with these natives, it must be a temptation to be god, because there's a conflict in every human heart, between the rational and the irrational, between good and evil, and good does not always triumph. Sometimes, the dark side overcomes what [[Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]] called the better angels of our nature. Every man has got a breaking point. You and I have one. Walter Kurtz has reached his, and very obviously, he has gone insane.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Colonel G. Lucas''': Your mission is to proceed up the Nung River in a Navy patrol boat. Pick up Colonel Kurtz's path at Nu Mung Ba, follow it, and learn what you can along the way. When you find the Colonel, infiltrate his team by whatever means available and terminate the Colonel's command.
:'''Captain Benjamin L. Willard''': Terminate the Colonel?
:'''General Corman''': He's out there operating without any decent restraint, totally beyond the pale of any acceptable human conduct. And he is still in the field commanding troops. 
: '''Jerry''': '''[[w:Terminate with extreme prejudice|Terminate with extreme prejudice]].'''
:'''Lucas''': You understand, Captain, that this mission does not exist, nor will it ever exist.
[[File:Us-special_forces.svg|right|thumb|Terminate with extreme prejudice.]]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Engineman 3rd Class Jay &quot;Chef&quot; Hicks''': How come all you guys sit on your helmets?
:'''Soldier''': So we don't get our balls blown off.
:''[Chef laughs a little, then sits on his helmet.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Captain Benjamin L. Willard''': Are you crazy, God damn it?  Don't you think its a little risky for some R&amp;R?
: '''Lieutenant Colonel William &quot;Bill&quot; Kilgore''': If I say it's safe to surf this beach, Captain, then it's safe to surf this beach. I mean, I'm not afraid to surf this place. I'll surf this whole fucking place!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Captain Benjamin L. Willard''': Who's the commanding officer here, soldier?
:'''Infantryman''': Ain't you?
:&amp;hellip;
:'''Captain Benjamin L. Willard''': Soldier, do you know who's in command here?
:'''The Roach''': Yeah.
:''[He turns away.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lt. Carlsen''': I'm Lt. Carlsen. I was sent from Nha Trang with this message for you three days ago, sir. They expected you here a little sooner. This is mail for the boat's crew. You don't know how happy this makes me in delivering all this.
:'''Captain Benjamin L. Willard''': Why?
:'''Lt. Carlsen''': Because now I can get out of here... if I can find a way. ''[an enemy artillery shell lands dangerously close by as Lt. Carlsen runs away]'' You're in the asshole of the world, Captain!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Captain Benjamin L. Willard''': My mission is to make it up into Cambodia. There's a Green Beret Colonel up there who's gone insane. I'm supposed to kill him.
:'''Engineman 3rd Class Jay &quot;Chef&quot; Hicks''': That's fucking typical! Shit. Fuckin' Vietnam mission! I'm short, and we gotta go up there so you can kill one of our own guys? That's fuckin' great! That's just fuckin' great, man. Shit. That's fuckin'... crazy! I thought you were going in there to blow up a bridge, or, some fucking railroad tracks or somethin'.
:'''Captain Benjamin L. Willard''': I'm sorry. Look, I'll cut you loose here and you can turn around and...
:'''Engineman 3rd Class Jay &quot;Chef&quot; Hicks''': ''[interrupting]'' No, no, we go together... on the boat! We came this far, so we go together. All the way! We'll take you up there, we'll go with you... but on the boat! Okay?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
[[File:Hello water buffalo.jpg|right|thumb|I don't see any method at all, sir.]]
:'''Captain Benjamin L. Willard''': Could we, uh, talk to Colonel Kurtz?
:'''Photojournalist''': Hey, man, you don't talk to the Colonel. You listen to him. The man's enlarged my mind. He's a poet-warrior in the classic sense. I mean, sometimes he'll, uh, well, you'll say hello to him, right? And he'll just walk right by you, and he won't even notice you. And suddenly he'll grab you, and he'll throw you in a corner, and he'll say &quot;Do you know that 'if' is the middle word in life? 'If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you, if you can trust yourself when all men doubt you'&quot; I mean, I'm no — I can't — I'm a little man. I'm a little man. He's, he's a great man. I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across floors of silent seas. ''[Note: The last sentences here reference first [[Rudyard Kipling|Rudyard Kipling's]] poem'' [[w:If—|If—]] ''and then [[T.S. Eliot|T.S. Eliot's]] poem'' [[w:The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock|The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock]]''.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Colonel Walter E. Kurtz''': Did they say why, Willard, why they want to terminate my command?
:'''Captain Benjamin L. Willard''': I was sent on a classified mission, sir.
:'''Kurtz''': It's no longer classified, is it? Did they tell you?
:'''Willard''': They told me that you had gone totally insane, and that your methods were unsound.
:'''Kurtz''': Are my methods unsound?
:'''Willard:''' I don't see any method at all, sir.
:'''Kurtz''': I expected someone like you. What did you expect? Are you an assassin?
:'''Willard''': I'm a soldier.
:'''Kurtz''': You're neither. You're an errand boy, sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill.

== Cast ==
* [[Marlon Brando]] - [[w:Colonel Kurtz|Colonel Walter E. Kurtz]]
* [[w:Robert Duvall|Robert Duvall]] - Lieutenant Colonel William &quot;Bill&quot; Kilgore
* [[Martin Sheen]] - Captain [[w:Benjamin L. Willard|Benjamin L. Willard]]
* [[w:Frederic Forrest|Frederic Forrest]] - Engineman Third Class Jay &quot;Chef&quot; Hicks
* [[w:Albert Hall (actor)|Albert Hall]] - Quartermaster George &quot;Chief&quot; Phillips
* [[w:Sam Bottoms|Sam Bottoms]] - Lance B. Johnson
* [[w:Laurence Fishburne|Laurence Fishburne]] - Gunner's Mate 3rd Class Tyrone &quot;Mr. Clean&quot; Miller
* [[w:Dennis Hopper|Dennis Hopper]] - Photojournalist
* [[Harrison Ford]] - Colonel G. Lucas
* [[w:G.D. Spradlin|G.D. Spradlin]] - Lieutenant General Corman
* [[w:Jerry Ziesmer|Jerry Ziesmer]] - Jerry
* [[w:Scott Glenn|Scott Glenn]] - Lieutenant Richard M. Colby
* [[w:Aurore Clement|Aurore Clement]] - Roxanne Sarrault
* [[w:Cynthia Wood|Cynthia Wood]] - Playmate of the year

== Taglines ==
* The Horror. . . The Horror. . .

* THIS IS THE END!

* To the victims go the spoils.

* MORNING SMELLS Some People Like Coffee. Some People Like Napalm.

* It is impossible to describe what is necessary, to those who do not know what horror means. You must make a friend of horror.

* CHARLIE DON'T SURF!

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} 
* {{imdb title|id=0078788|title=Apocalypse Now}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=apocalypse_now|title=Apocalypse Now}}

[[Category:1979 films]]
[[Category:Epic films]]
[[Category:Vietnam War films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Anti-war films]]
[[Category:Films directed by Francis Ford Coppola]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]</text>
      <sha1>4ypwxhl13b9yzssrh8yuagcskpmklw6</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>The Fairly OddParents</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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    <revision>
      <id>3147768</id>
      <parentid>3033964</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T21:11:09Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* External links */ r/m Template:Tv.com show</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
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      <text bytes="79659" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
{{tv-cleanup|2006-01-23}}
'''''[[w:The Fairly OddParents|The Fairly OddParents]]''''' (2001–2017) is a [[w:Nickelodeon|Nickelodeon]] [[w:animated television series|animated television series]] created by [[w:Butch Hartman|Butch Hartman]]. The series follows the life a 10-year-old boy, [[w:Timmy Turner|Timmy Turner]] and his two wish-granting fairies, [[w:Cosmo and Wanda|Cosmo and Wanda]].

==Season 1==
===''The Big Problem/Power Mad!'' [1.1]===
:'''Wanda:''' You can't spell &quot;Vicky&quot; without &quot;icky&quot;.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vicky:''' All right, Twerp! Time for bed.
:'''Timmy:''' But it's only 6:04.
:'''Vicky:''' Well, it's 9:04 on the east coast. BED!
:''(one minute later, Timmy's clock changes to 6:05)''
:'''Cosmo:''' Now it's 9:0''5'' on the east coast!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Timmy:''' Well, how do I look?
:'''Cosmo &amp; Wanda:''' Ew!
:'''Timmy:''' 'Ew' is right! I don't have any hair!
:'''Wanda:''' Sure you do! It's here on your back! ''[Lifts his shirt to show his back is covered in hair]''
:'''Timmy:''' That's just creepy.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Timmy, having wished himself to be older, sees his Mom and Dad kissing]''
:'''Timmy:''' ''(covers his eyes)'' Arrrgh! It burns!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Older Timmy has been eating &quot;grown-up&quot; food at a restaurant]''
:'''Waiter''': That'll be $265.
:'''Timmy''': WHAT?! That's more than I get in allowance-- I mean, that's more than I make in a month!
:'''Waiter''': Well, you should have finished college.
:'''Timmy''': Did YOU finish﻿ college?
:'''Waiter''': ''[breaking into tears]'' NO!!! WHY DO YOU THINK I'M A ''WAITER''?!?!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Fairy-Gram:''' Fairy-Gram for Cosmo and Wanda.
:'''Cosmo:''' I'm Cosmo and Wanda!
:'''Fairy-Gram:''' Now that your kid is big and hairy, your next assignment is mean and scary.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Wanda:''' You mean we're being reassigned?
:'''Fairy-Gram:''' Ha ha ha! I mean, yes, and we're all very sorry.
:'''Cosmo:''' Can we have a couple of hours to say good-bye to Timmy?
:'''Fairy-Gram:''' Can I have five dollars? ''[Timmy hands him a five-dollar bill]'' Two hours. ''[disappears]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cosmo:''' Miniature golf is a great kids' game!
:''[Cosmo and Wanda are turned into a tee and ball]''
:'''Timmy:''' Ow! My back!
:'''Wanda:''' Let me try the Age-O-Meter. Kid...adult...Oh, no! You've become even more of an adult!
:'''Cosmo:''' We've got to resort to the heavy artillery!
:''[Cuts to Timmy riding a kiddie ride outside a store]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vicky:''' And this is for the TV, and this is the VCR, and this is the DVD, and this is the surround sound, and this is the combination microwave popcorn maker/neck massager, and I don't know what this plug does, but I ain't payin' for the electricity.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Timmy:''' I lost a life! On level 1! What am I, 4?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cosmo''': ''[as Ricky]'' Wanda! [[w:I Love Lucy|You've got some splainin' to do!]]
:'''Wanda''': ''[as Lucy]'' Even though that's not the way everybody says &quot;explaining&quot;, I respect our differences and your right to say it in the way you want.
:'''Cosmo''': Eh, babaloo?
:'''Wanda''': That, too.
:'''Cosmo &amp; baby''': Waaaahhhhhh!
:'''Vicky''': Boring! ''[Changes channel]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Wanda''': ''[As news reporter]'' And now, here's Cosmo with the weather.
:'''Cosmo''': ''[Holding a feather]'' I thought you said feather. ''[A pause, then smiles]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wanda''': Just let me clairify this. You married, your car.
:'''Cosmo''': ''[In southern accent]'' Yep, now my kids get seventeen miles to the gallon! ''[Has chair thrown at him]''
:'''Wanda''':  And we'll be right back.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Timmy enters Level 8 of the video game,  which looks like an underwater version of his Aunt Gertrude's house]''
:'''Aunt Gertrude:''' ''[as a giant lobster with large claws]'' Hello, Timmy! Let Aunt Gertrude pinch those chubby cheeks of yours!
:'''Timmy:''' I hope she means my face!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Timmy:''' I wish I had cheeks of steel!
:'''Wanda:''' I hope you mean your face.
:'''Timmy:''' I do!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cosmo:'''  [[w:Seinfeld|It's a show about nothing!]]...How do we know when it's over?
:'''Vicky:''' ''(watching the show)'' I do. ''(changes the channel)''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cosmo:''' Follow me to the TV; I've got an idea!
:'''Wanda:''' ''(writing in a book)'' Wednesday, March 22nd: Cosmo had an idea!
:''[Later]''
:'''Cosmo:''' I'm all out of ideas!
:'''Wanda:''' ''(writing in book)'' Well, easy come, easy go.
:''[Even later]''
:'''Cosmo:''' I had another idea!
:'''Wanda:''' ''(writing in book)'' This was a magnificent day for Cosmo!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vicky:''' Well, keep it down; you know when I'm watching you, I'm watching something on TV!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''A.J.:''' It's 6:13. Timmy always goes to the bathroom at 6:13.
:'''Chester:'''  And that's weird. He always struck as a 7:43 whizzinator.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Timmy:''' Those creeps! Wait 'til I reset them!
:'''Wanda:''' No! If you turn off the game while they're in there, or if they lose their 3 lives, they'll disappear forever.
:'''Timmy:''' Then I wish they're out of the game!
:'''Cosmo:''' You can't! ''[turns his head into Timmy's]'' Quote: &quot;I wish for a video game that's ''challenging'' - a game that you ''can't'' wish yourself out of!&quot; Unquote. ''[returns to normal]''
:'''Wanda:''' You either win the game, or take off the helmet.
:'''Timmy:''' You guys don't do anything halfway, do you?
:'''Cosmo:''' Nope. We're two halves of a whole idiot!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Narrator:''' His velvety voice and beautiful lyrics have moved many a generation...
:'''Cosmo:''' (singing) The wheels on the bus go round and round!
:'''Narrator:''' He is a talent that will fill your heart with joy.
:'''Cosmo:''' (singing) There was a farmer had a dog and Bingo was his name OH!
:'''Vicky:''' Man, there is nothing on today! 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cosmo:''' I'm a Cosmo Coin, and boy am I glad to see you.
:'''Timmy''': Ditto!
:'''Wanda''': ''[Running on the treadmill that keeps the power going]'' This'll be great for my glutes!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Timmy:''' I wish I had something to stop Vicky!
:'''Cosmo:''' Hey, that's just vague enough to work!
:''[Cosmo creates a door, and Timmy's parents come in]''
:'''Mom:''' Vicky! It's us.
:'''Dad:''' Timmy's Mom and Dad!
:'''Mom:''' We're back!
:'''Dad:''' You can go home now.
:'''Vicky:''' ''(screaming and melting)'' Nooooo!

===''Spaced Out/TransParents!'' [1.2]===
:'''Queen Jipjorrulac:''' We wouldn't have to blow up all these planets if you just stop for directions.
:'''King Gripullon:''' Quiet! I'm still the king around here!
:'''Queen Jipjorrulac:''' King of getting lost.
:'''King Gripullon:''' Silence! 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[first instance of Timmy's recurring explanation for the amazing things he has as the result of his fairy godparents]''
:'''Chester:''' Killer Crash suit, dude!
:'''A.J:''' Yeah -wherever did you get it?
:'''Timmy:''' Uhh, internet?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Wanda:''' We have good news and bad news.
:'''Timmy:''' What's the good news?
:'''Cosmo:''' The alien we got you is actually a prince from the dreaded war planet Yugopotamia.
:'''Wanda:''' And his parents are on their way to destroy the Earth and rescue their son!
:'''Timmy:''' What's the bad news?
:'''Wanda:''' Oh,  wait...that was the bad news!
:'''Timmy:''' ''(shouting)'' Then what's the good news?!
:'''Cosmo:''' I found a nickel!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[While Timmy shows off the dinosaur he wished for to the class]''
:'''[[w:Denzel Crocker|Mr. Crocker, Timmy's Teacher]]:''' Incredible! No normal child could have access to that kind of genetic technology. There's only one logical explanation...''Fairy Godparents!!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[At the end of a three way phone call,  Timmy and Chester simply hang up]''
:'''A.J.:''' Doesn't anyone say &quot;goodbye&quot; anymore?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cosmo''': Yippee! That hurt!
:'''Timmy''': No, Cosmo, you're supposed to say &quot;ouch&quot; when something hurts
:'''Cosmo''': Oh, okay. Yippee! That ouched!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mr. Crocker:''' Can I offer you anything with that? Cream, sugar, magic?
:'''Wanda:''' What was that last one?
:'''Mr. Crocker:''' ''[unsure]'' Sugar?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Wanda:''' ''[Principal Waxleplax is stuck in a trap Crocker tried to set up for Cosmo and Wanda]'' I may be naive, but I don't think she's doing it right.
:'''Principal Waxleplax:''' ''[screaming]'' CROCKER!!
:'''Mr. Crocker:''' ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, perfect.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Principal Waxleplax:''' A week of detention for all of you! ''(to Timmy)'' You for faking your show and tell''(to Chester and A.J.)'' You for going into the girls bathroom! ''(to Crocker)'' And you for trapping me in a toilet paper cocoon and promising two young boys they could enslave the earth! THAT'S NOT RIGHT!!!

===''A Wish Too Far!/Tiny Timmy!'' [1.3]===
:'''Trixie Tang: ''(Shielding herself from Timmy's bright teeth)'' ''' May I grace you with my presence?
:'''Timmy:''' It'll be your honor!
:'''Trixie Tang:''' Oh,  you're good!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Timmy:''' What do those popular kids have that I don't?
:'''Cosmo:''' Besides the clothes and the money and the stuff?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Timmy has become popular, so Chester and A.J. have to find a new friend]''
:'''Chester:''' Elmer,  you're the new Timmy. ''(puts Timmy's hat on Elmer)''
:'''Elmer:''' Neat! Can my boil have a hat, too?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Timmy:''' What's going on?
:'''Wanda:''' You're being sued by Fairy World, and [[w:Jorgen Von Strangle|Jorgen Von Strangle]] is the persecutor!
:'''Timmy:''' Don't you mean ''prosecutor?''
:'''Wanda:''' No!
:'''Cosmo:''' I'm gonna be the defense attorney!
:'''Timmy &amp; Wanda:''' '''''NO!!!'''''
:''(Cosmo turns into a defense attorney)''
:'''Cosmo:''' And, for my first legal maneuver, I'd like to make a motion! ''(starts dancing)''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cosmo:''' Don't look at me. I'm just a coal miner!
&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mom:''' Take good care of our fancy new vase while we're gone! Oh, and Timmy, too. Keep an eye on him.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vicky:''' ''(glaring at vase)'' I hate you. ''Stop mocking me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Timmy:''' Look at the size of this food! If I could shrink everyone in the world down to this size, there'd be enough food to end world hunger!
:'''Wanda:''' Oh, that's beautiful, Timmy!
:'''Cosmo:''' But not why we're here! Look! Big candy!
:'''Timmy:''' Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Single Cell Princess:''' ''(very fast Valley girl)'' My interests include wiggling and swimming. My turn-offs are penicillin and antibiotics.  But enough about me, tell me about you.
:'''Timmy:''' Well, my name's Timmy and I have a short attention span and... ''(wanders off)''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Timmy''': ''[repeated throughout episode]'' So bored, can't focus.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vicky:''' That's right, Timmy's throwing a &quot;Break Timmy's Stuff&quot; party at his house!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cosmo:''' We're in [[w:Disneyland|Kidney Land]]!  Oh, my gosh!  Look!
:'''Cosmo &amp; Wanda:''' It's [[w:Walt Disney|Walt Kidney]]!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Timmy:''' Mission control, this is what makes Vicky tick. Cool I can see what Vicky sees. 
:'''Pettiness:''' Excuse me, this is a secure area. Who are you?
:'''Timmy:''' Uh, I'm Bob from the ahhh... central nervous system.
:'''Vicky's Sub-Conscious:''' Hi Bob.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Pettiness:''' I'm Pettiness, that's Jealousy.
:'''Jealousy:''' Why don't I have a suit like that?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Pettiness:''' And this is Anger.
:'''Anger:'''(sweet) Hello, would you like a cookie?
:'''Timmy:''' Sure.
:'''Anger:''' (sweet) Well... (angry) SO WOULD I!!!!!!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Timmy''': ''[being chased by a swarm of antibodies]'' I have to find a way out before they box me in! That's it. ''[flies up a finds a fast-food talkbox]'' A voice box!
:'''Voice Box''': Welcome to Voice in the Box. May I take your order?
:'''Timmy''': ''[activates a megaphone]'' I wish I was out of here! ''[reverbrates up Vicky's larynx]''
:'''Vicky''': ''[cleaning the house]'' I have to clean the mess I made and- ''[in Timmy's voice]'' I wish I was out of here!
:'''Wanda''': Did you hear that? Timmy learned ventriloquism.
:'''Cosmo''': And Vicky's the dummy!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vicky''': What?! Cute little animals?! And they're ''[[w:Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937 film)|CLEANING]]?! GET OUT!''

===''Father Time!/Apartnership!'' [1.4]===
:'''Dad:''' ''TROPHY-SENSES TINGLING!!! TO THE TROPHY CASE!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dad:''' What happened here?!?!
:'''Timmy:''' Uh...I melted your trophy with heat vision?
:'''Dad:''' Where did you get heat vision?
:'''Timmy:''' Uhh...Internet?
:'''Cosmo:''' Oh, he's ''good''.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dad:''' I'm so mad I wish blinding beams of heat would shoot out of ''my'' eyes right now!!
''(Cosmo starts to grant his wish but Wanda stops him)'' 
:'''Wanda:''' No, no, ours is the one with the silly pink hat.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Dad:''' Go to your room and don't come out until you learn responsibility for other people's property...or welding skills...whichever comes first!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Timmy:''' Now it's time for Scary Stories From The Future! In the future, there will be 500 TV channels.
:'''Young Dad:''' Far out!
:'''Timmy:''' But ''nothing to watch''!
:'''Young Dad:''' ''AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''1970's Cosmo:''' [[w:The Establishment|The system]]'s trying to take him prisoner!
:'''1970's Wanda:''' We're all prisoners...on the inside!
:'''1970's Cosmo:''' I love you!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''1970's Wanda:''' That little [[w:Bill Gates|Billy Gates]] and his crazy ideas.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Timmy:''' ''[as Young Dad, offering his trophy]'' Hi, Mom! I'm Dad. Will you take this; go out with me; marry me; and someday have a boy with a silly pink hat?
:'''Young Mom:''' Okay. I'll come by your house later!
:'''Timmy:''' ''[as Young Dad]'' Groovy! If I'm asleep in a tent in the backyard, wake me up and tell me about the race, in excruciating detail!''
:'''Young Mom:''' Okay. ''[wanders off]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dad:''' This is me graduating dictator college. And this is me taking over the world - with smiles! And this is where I'd put a trophy- '''''IF I HAD ONE!!'''''
&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Wanda:''' I hate everything! I hate cats, I hate this day. I'm going to bed...which I hate!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Wanda:''' You're such a Mama's boy!
:'''Cosmo:''' I'm not!
:'''Wanda:''' ''[turns Cosmo into a baby]'' Now you are!
:''[Cosmo defecates in his diaper]''
:'''Cosmo:''' Hey! You made me make a poopie!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cosmo:''' Let's get something straight! I'm not bright! Big words confuse me! I have the attention span of a rodent! But Wanda loves me anyway. She makes me happy and ''THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH FOR YOU!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mama Cosma:''' It's not working! He's falling in love with her again!
:'''Cupid:''' Well, where's the dough? You know, as the god of love, I love cash.
:'''Mama Cosma:''' And I love the idea of Cosmo not being able to love Wanda.
:'''Timmy''': ''[frustrated]'' At this rate, I'll never get home! ''[grabs one of Cupid's arrows]'' I'll just make them fall in love, and sort it out later.
:'''Cosmo''': ''[spots a nickel and ducks]'' Ooh! I spy a nickel!
:'''Cupid''': ''[arrow hits Cupid]'' You know, Mama Cosma, there is something I love more than money: '''YOU!!''' ''[Mama Cosma screams as Cupid chases her]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Wanda:''' I'm sorry I yelled at you puddin'. I promise I won't do it unless you really mess up again.
:'''Cosmo:''' Like I will tomorrow?
:'''Wanda:''' It's a date.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dad:''' Okay honey, are you ready for your anniversary present?
:'''Mom:''' ''[blindfolded]'' Oh, I'm so excited! What is it? What is it?
:'''Dad:''' Open your eyes!
:'''Mom:''' It's a blindfold! Oh, I've always wanted one!

===''Chin Up!/Dog's Day Afternoon'' [1.5]===
:'''The Crimson Chin:''' Great jaws of justice! Spatula Woman!
:'''Timmy:''' But that's just a geek in a costume!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Crimson Chin:''' My powers...gone! There must be some sort of [[w:Kryptonite|Chintonite]] in this facility!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Timmy/ Cleft:''' ''(tied to a giant hairy leg)'' Couldn't you have shaved this thing?!
:'''The Bronze Kneecap:''' ''(pointing to his kneecap)'' Don't make me use this!!!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Timmy/ Cleft:''' The Crimson Chin is still a hero, right?! He'll save me, right?!
:'''The Crimson Chin:''' Stupid ketchup!
:'''Timmy/ Cleft:''' Well, uh... besides, I'm not in any real trouble, right?!  If I were in any real danger, my Godparents would get me outta here, right?!
:'''Cosmo:''' Stupid ketchup!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Crimson Chin:''' By my mother's mandible - I say ''NAY!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Timmy wins the Comic Book Convention fancy dress competition]''
:'''Wanda:''' He's my hero!
:'''Cosmo:''' ''(holding a hero sandwich)'' And this is mine! ''(attempts to squeeze ketchup while shaking it up and down, but can't)'' Stupid ketchup!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Timmy:''' I can't believe it! I'm this dog's dog.
:'''Wanda:''' Isn't that a rap song?
:'''Cosmo:''' ''(gives himself some rap clothes)'' Word! ''(gets weighed down by all the stuff and crashes to the bottom of the fishbowl)''
&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Timmy:''' Dogs have a better sense of smell.  And they can see in black and white.  And they can go to the bathroom anywhere they want!
:'''Cosmo:''' So can I. I'm just polite!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cosmo:''' ''(sing-song)'' I married the smart one!
:'''Wanda:''' ''(sing-song)'' And I married the...well, he's cute, right?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cosmo:''' Ooh,  yeah - I'm gonna swing, Daddy-o! I'm gonna call up all my old friends ''(leafing through book)'' Lessee, Wanda, Wanda, Wanda with a star beside it, Panda, no that's &quot;Wanda&quot; with a smudge on the 'W'. ''I...I...I miss Wanda!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[floating at a typewriter]''
:'''Wanda:''' Finally,  a romance novel to shake the ages. ''(starts typing)'' It was dawn. I was in my towel when the ninjas attacked...

===''Dream Goat!/The Same Game'' [1.6]===
:'''Vicky:''' Here's a physics lesson, Poindexter. Undies plus gravity equals ''WEDGIE!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Wanda:''' Awww! Goat love!
:'''Cosmo:''' They say it's the most honest love there is!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Timmy is trapped by a mob after admitting to setting the town mascot Chompy free]''
:'''Timmy:''' I'm doomed!
:'''Cosmo:''' Well, you've lived a good life, right?
:'''Timmy:''' I'm only ten!
:'''Cosmo:''' I said ''good'', not long!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dad:''' Well, son, I'd have to do this:  ''[screams like a female]'' Hypothetically, of course.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cosmo''': ''[to a gray blob]'' Are you Timmy?
:'''Gray Blob #1''': No. I'm Chet.
:'''Wanda''': ''[to another gray blob]'' Are you Timmy?
:'''Gray Blob #2''': I'm Dominic.
:'''Cosmo''': ''[to the first gray blob]'' Are you Timmy?
:'''Gray Blob #1''': I just told you! I'm Chet.
:'''Cosmo''': I hate this wish! I can't tell which blob is our blob.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gray Dr. Bender:''' Is this your ball on our lawn, and your gray on our gray?
:'''Gray Timmy:''' Dr.Bender! Wendell! You're big gray blobs just like me!
:'''Gray Dr. Bender:''' Actually we're the grayest and the blobbiest.
:'''Gray Timmy:''' But everyone's exactly alike!
:'''Gray Dr. Bender:''' That's where you're wrong, little, not so gray boy! In fact, only blobs as gray and blobby as we are can have a gray ball as fun as this. Now beat it!
&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Dr. Bender DDS:''' Well, Bucky The Buck-Toothed Tooth Boy, that's where you're ''WRONG!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cosmo:''' If you're playing Timmy Ball, wear a helmet.
:'''Wanda:''' What about Wanda Ball?
:'''Cosmo:''' I know that game!
:'''Wanda:''' Do you know I use a cinder block?
:'''Cosmo:''' Didn't know that! {Wanda drops a cinder block on his head} Aaaahhhh!!

==Season 2==
===''Christmas Every Day'' [2.1]===
:'''Timmy:''' Who are all these gifts for?
:'''Vicky:''' Nobody. I just like making you work!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vicky:''' Merry Christmas Mr. and Mrs. Turner. Is it time for my Christmas bonus?
:'''Dad:''' Yep. This year you get to leave early!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Timmy:''' I love the smell of Christmas in the morning!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Chet Ubetcha:''' It's ho-ho-horrible!  As Christmas enters its third week, the world screams, &quot;Christmas is entering its third week!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Chet Ubetcha:''' ''(on a television in a shop window)'' As the world falls apart at the seams, people everywhere are asking &quot;who is responsible for this?&quot;, and &quot;how can we tear them limb from limb?&quot;!
:'''Timmy:''' Err... Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
:'''Cosmo:''' Yeah! He's cute when he's angry!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Wanda:''' What do you second rate, not-Christmas holidays want with our Timmy?
:'''Easter Bunny:''' He better unwish that wish, or he's gonna an egg where the sun don't shine!
:'''Cosmo:''' In the closet?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cowgirl:''' Merry Christmas!  ''(Hands Timmy some gas for his snowmobile)'' Or, as we say in Montana; you're standing in cow manure!
:'''Timmy:''' Awesome!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Timmy:''' I made it all the way across the ocean to Greenland and nothing bad happened!
:''[Large shark breaks through the ice and eats the snowmobile]''
:'''Timmy:''' ''(looks to camera)'' Well, that's inconvenient.

===='''Christmas song from &quot;Christmas Every Day&quot;'''====
:'''Timmy''': ''Christmas Day is here once more.''
:'''Wanda''': ''Gifts, and love, and joy galore.''
:'''Cosmo''': ''A special day that wipes the floor''
:'''All''': ''With the other three-hundred-and-sixty-four!''
:'''Timmy''': ''I wish every day could be Christmas.''
:'''Cause Santa brings gifts every year.''
:''He's reading my list,''
:''he's feeding the deer,''
:''He's hauling my gifts from the North Pole to here.''
:''I wish every day could be Christmas.''
:'''Cause every other holiday reeeeks!''
:''New Years Eve's for Mom and Dad,''
:''The Easter Bunny's eggs smell REALLY BAD!!!''
:''Valentines Day always makes me sad...''
:'''Dad''': ''Cause Timmy just can't get a girlfriend.''
:'''Timmy''': WHAT??!!
:'''Cosmo and Wanda''': ''I wish every day could be Christmas.''
:'''Cause nice fairies get their rewards.''
:'''Wanda''': ''I got pudding, I got slacks.''
:'''Cosmo''': ''I got all my back hair waxed!''
:'''Cosmo and Wanda''': ''Santa grants wishes while we relax,''
:'''Cosmo''': ''And Timmy still can't get a girlfriend!''
:'''Timmy''': Stop that!
:''There's just no other day like Christmas.''
:''My family stays here, it's real cool.''
:''Just me, Mom, and Dad.''
:''I'm so very glad.''
:''There's no Vicky,'' 
:''No Vicky,''
:''No school.''
:'''Cosmo''': And no Vicky!
:'''Timmy''': Right!
:''I wish every day could be Christmas.''
:''Then I get the best gift of all.''
:''My parents stay home to say...''
:'''Mom and Dad''': ''We love you, Noggy.''
:'''Dad''': MINE!!
:'''Timmy''': ''Wouldn't Christmas each day be the coolest of all?''
:''I wish it were Christmas...''
:''How I wish it were Christmas.''
:''I wish it were Christmas...''
:''Each day.''

''[remix after the Twelve Days of Christmas song]''
:'''Timmy''': ''I wished each day would be Christmas.''
:''We know it's a clue,''
:''To revice the temptation.''
:''In Spain, Canada, Japan, and Africa.''
:''I'm a pronoun,''
:'''Chester''': ''They're a pronoun.''
:'''AJ''': ''He's a pronoun!''
:'''Cosmo''': ''She's a pronoun.''
:'''Wanda''': ''Wouldn't you like to be a pronoun, too?''
:'''Chester''': ''Won't because Christmas doesn't come from a store, means a little bit more!''
:''The Halloween pumpkins tickle REALLY SILLY!!!!!''
:'''AJ''': ''Pirates and pirate-fighting can always make me unhappy...''
:'''Crocker''': ''For more than a decade, were all out of ammo, get us some more snacks!''
:'''AJ''': ''...And the ammo fires [[w:Donut|donut]]s, [[w:Popcorn|popcorn]], [[w:Pretzel|pretzel]]s, [[w:Cookie|cookie]]s, [[w:Pie|pie]]s, and [[w:Cake|cake]]s! To surprise we never have to be scared to do what was right!!''
:''I just want to have a pledge.''
:''I really just want to have one.''
:'''Crocker''': ''He likes to! And he heal is boo-boos.''
:'''Chester''': ''Errg. Ninevites.''


''[reprise at end of episode]''
:'''Timmy''': ''I wished every day would be Christmas.''
:''Jeepers, how foolish I was.''
:''It isn't a gift, it isn't a toy''
:''It's the family and friends that I really enjoy!''
:''I wish that tomorrow weren't Christmas.''
:''But I wish that the feeling would stay.''
:'''Cause Christmas can always be there in your heart.''
:''And never be locked to just one single day.''
:''It's great that tomorrow ain't Christmas.''
:''In Dimmsdale, London and Rome.''
:''If I had just one wish''
:''I think it'd be this...''
:''I really just want to go home now.''
:''I really just wish I were home.''

===''Boys in the Band/Hex Games'' [2.2]===
:'''Timmy:''' Cookies? For dinner? With our... phone number on them?
:'''Dad:''' These aren't for you son, these are for the Chip Skylark concert!
:'''Mom:''' We're going to hurl these on stage and hope that Chip calls us, and offers to be your big brother!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vicky:''' ''MOVE IT, TWERP!'' It's called 'Pay-Per-View'; which means if I don't view, '''''THEN SOMEONE'S GONNA PAY!'''''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Timmy:''' Yeah, well, you know what I wish? I wish something ''bad'' would happen to him!
:'''Wanda:''' Okay, but you can't wish him maimed.
:'''Timmy:''' Okay, then. I wish-
:'''Cosmo:''' Or injured.
:'''Timmy:''' Then-
:'''Wanda:''' Or beaten...or dead.
:'''Timmy:''' Fine. I wish that the worst possible non-lethal thing would happen to Chip Skylark right now!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Chip Skylark:''' Tuesday's apple sauce day.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Vicky has captured Chip Skylark and is showing him her dresses]''
:'''Vicky:''' Do you like ''THIS'' one that makes me look like Mrs Chip Skylark, or ''THIS'' one that makes me look like Mrs. Chip Skylark!?!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vicky:''' I love you, Chip Skylark! I'm gonna call all my friends and invite them to the wedding! First, I gotta find some friends.
:'''[[w:Chip Skylark|Chip Skylark]]:''' Another day, another wackadoo holding me against my will.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vicky:''' You can watch this while I find someone who will perform a marriage ceremony between a crazed fan and a celebrity teen hostage. To the Internet!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Timmy:''' I'm really sorry about [Vicky holding you hostage], Chip.
:'''Chip:''' Oh, that's all right, little pal. It's not like you wished for this to happen.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Chip Skylark's Icky Vicky song]''
:V...I...C...K...Y...  The sound of her name makes the little kids cry. Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!
:Hey Vicky, you're so, so icky. Just the thought of being around you makes me oh, so sicky.
:Hey Vicky won't you please explain how you get so much enjoyment out of causing kids pain.
:Oh Oh Oh! A chick who's just plain mean.  A sour sweet sixteen.
:She's a fire breathing dragon in a pair of black jeans.
:Eeew!
:Hey Vicky won't you tell us true;  how we ever got the bad luck to be stuck with you.
:Oh Vicky can we say one thing, it's your super total yuckiness that makes us wanna sing
:Icky Vicky.
:Eeew! Eeew!
:Icky Vicky.
:Eeew! Eeew!
:Icky Vicky.
&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
'''Vicky''': LOOK CHIP!! I found the only Justice of the Peace on earth who can marry a couple against their will!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[an astronaut is planting a flag on the moon,  when Timmy floats past on a skateboard]''
:'''Astronaut:''' Houston,  we have another problem... Over.
:'''Controller:''' It's always problem, problem, problem with you guys. Don't you ever call just to say &quot;hi&quot;? Over.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Cosmo is riding on Timmy's back as he skates through a jungle, in a pastiche of Yoda and Luke in [[w:The Empire Strikes Back|The Empire Strikes Back]]]''
:'''Cosmo:''' Learn to skate in difficult environments you must... because scared of gorillas am I!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''A.J.:''' Wow!  Look at Timmy roll nimbly back and forth! I mean...''[looks at a book of Skate Lingo]'' Shred!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''A.J.:''' Hey! Vicky's totally cheating! I mean... ''[looks at a book of Skate Lingo]'' Cheating!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:A.J. (The Fairly OddParents)|A.J.]]''': ''[explaining to Vicky why she can't do the &quot;Timmy Tuck&quot;]'' Timmy's small and nice; you're tall and weighed down with too much evil.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''' Vicky:''' ''(refusing to give Timmy the crown)'' Oh, you want this crown? You got a better chance of some loser 12 year old waistory falling out of the sky and plowing me into the ground!
''(Francis falls out of the sky on a skateboard screaming and plowing Vicky in the ground.)''
:'''Vicky''': Here you go.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cosmo:''' ''(seeing Chester crash)'' &quot;Wow, his whole face hit at the same time! He must be ''really'' good!&quot;

===''Boy Toy/Inspection Detection'' [2.3]===
:'''Crimson Chin Action Figure:''' There's evil afoot...I mean,  a-Chin!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Chester:''' Wow! A Timmy Turner action figure! With thumb-sucking action! Yo!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crimson Chin Action Figure:''' I eat evil...for breakfast!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crimson Chin Action Figure:''' I have goats...in my pants!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crimson Chin Action Figure:''' Justice...thy name is Chin!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crimson Chin Action Figure:''' Of all my muscles, my brain is one of 'em!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Timmy:''' I wonder why I got so bored with you?
:'''Crimson Chin Action Figure:''' Check out my dimple, it's huge!
:'''Timmy:''' Now I remember; your action phrases stunk!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''[Vicky is demanding that two boys do her chores]''
:'''Vicky:''' You do my dishes, and you cut my lawn.
:'''Boy:''' But these are ''your'' chores.
:'''Vicky:''' And these are High Definition photos of you two sneaking into an R-rated movie! ''AAAAAAAAAND...'''''''ACTION!'''''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Vicky (The Fairly OddParents)|Vicky]]:''' Well, well, well, what's this? Two new toys? ''[grabs Cosmo and Wanda]'' Well, guess who they get to meet!
:'''[[w:Tootie (The Fairly OddParents)|Tootie]]:''' Not Mr. Hammer....
:'''[[w:Cosmo and Wanda|Cosmo &amp; Wanda]]:''' Mr. Hammer?
:'''Vicky:''' Yes, Mr. Hammer and his friend, Mrs. Saw! ''[Vicky takes out a hammer and saw.]''
:'''Cosmo:''' Hi, Mrs. Saw! I'm Cosmo, and this is Wanda! ''[Wanda glares at him.]'' Don't you want to be a good host?
:'''Tootie:''' ''NO!'' Those are Timmy's dolls!
:'''Vicky:''' Oh, that changes ''EVERYTHING!'' ''[she takes out a blowtorch.]''
:'''Cosmo:''' Hey! Mr. Fire! Have you met Wanda?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''[Vicky's dog Doidle peed, which was actually spilled lemonade]'' 
:'''Vicky:''' Bad dog! You know you're only supposed to do that outside or at Timmy's house!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Timmy:''' I'm just...
:'''Cosmo &amp; Wanda:''' A stupid ten year old boy!
:'''Timmy:''' Right.  And I'm not interested in girls,  and I won't be until I'm...
:'''Cosmo &amp; Wanda:''' A stupid eleven year old boy!
:'''Tootie:''' Then...there's hope? ''THERE'S HOPE!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crimson Chin Action Figure:''' I am totally into the idea of you giving me to Tootie. This way, she'll always have a little piece of you that she can smother and choke with love.
:'''Timmy:''' Wow! That was an oddly specific action phrase.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crimson Chin Action Figure:''' I put the &quot;man&quot; in mandible!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vicky:''' When it rains, it melts!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Timmy''': I wish the Chin doll was indestructible and had 12,000 &quot;I Hate Vicky&quot; action phrases.
:''[Cosmo and Wanda wave their wands. Vicky fires her blow torch at the Crimson Chin action figure, but the toy remains intact]''
:'''Crimson Chin Action Figure:''' Your icky, redheaded yuckiness cannot pierce the shield of Tootie's love! ''[Vicky fires her blow torch again, with the same result]'' Evil redheads make boy bands say &quot;EWWWWW!&quot;
:'''Vicky:''' Why won't this stupid toy ''BREAK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!''
&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:''[Mom and Dad are eating breakfast]''
:'''Dad:''' Honey, you've outdone yourself again! What do you call this?
:'''Mom:''' Cold cereal and milk.
:'''Dad:''' It's marvelous!  I'm falling in love with you all over again!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dad:''' Did you notice all of those nice things Timmy has?  I don't remember getting him those nice things. Why don't I have nice things?!  I want some nice things!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dad:''' ''[seeing that Timmy's room is full of stuff that he hasn't bought for him]'' Young man, where did you get all these nice things?
:'''Timmy:''' Uh...Internet?
:'''Dad:''' And where did you get Internet?
:'''Timmy:''' Uh...uh...
:'''Dad:''' ''[gasps]'' He's stammering! Our son is the Wall-2-Wall-Mart shoplifter! ''[screams like a girl]''
:'''Timmy:''' What?! You don't think I ''stole'' this stuff, do you?
:'''Dad:''' ''[screams like a girl again]''
:'''Timmy:''' That's a yes...but I didn't do it!
:'''Dad:''' ''[screams like a girl again then passes out]''
:'''Mom:''' That's it, young man, you know you're not supposed to make your father scream like a girl three times in one day!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Cosmo''': ''[trying to distract Jorgen with a slideshow]'' And this is us vacationing in Egypt. ''[showing an image of Wanda in Egypt with a disgusted expression as Cosmo is also shown in the image vomiting into a barf bag]''
:'''Wanda''': Cosmo had food poisoning.
:'''Cosmo''': ''[a similiar image to the first one, but set in Paris]'' And this is us in Paris.
:'''Wanda''': Food poisoning.
:'''Cosmo''': ''Fancy'' food poisoning! ''[shows another image with Cosmo and Wanda in a amusement park setting]'' And this is me getting food poisoning in Kidneyland- ''[Jorgen vaporizes the projector screen]''
:'''Jorgen''': Your puny slideshow does not amuse me.
:'''Cosmo''': ''[cowering alongside WAnda]'' Well, we could just sit here cowering in fear of you.
:'''Jorgen:''' Oooh! I'll get my camera!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Police Officer:''' ''[to Timmy, as he confronts Francis]'' Alright, son. Leave this law-abiding grey child alone!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mom:''' Timmy, we love you and they just want to help!
:'''Timmy:''' Oh, yeah? Do you love me enough to give me a chance to show you that you're wrong?
:'''Dad:''' Well, all right, son. One chance, but if you're wrong it's off to the clink...which I hear is nice! Why don't I get to go to the nice clink?!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''(Mom and Dad break into Timmy's room with a tank he had wished for)''
:'''Dad:''' Say! Where'd you get the nice tank, son?
:'''Timmy:''' Uhh... Internet?
:'''Mom and Dad:''' Works for us!
''(They drive out of the room and over a car)''
:'''Mom:''' Was that the Dinkleberg's car?
:'''Dad:''' I hope so! That's what I was aiming for!

===''Action Packed/Smarty Pants'' [2.4]===
:''[While watching television, Cosmo is disguised as a box of popcorn, Timmy eats part of him]''
:'''Cosmo:''' Aaah! My brains! Babble and drool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Timmy is transformed into a Bruce Willis style action hero]''
:'''Timmy:''' Awesome! I have a five o'clock shadow!
:'''Cosmo:''' And it's only 7 A.M.!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Timmy:''' The horror!  The pure, unadulterated PG-13 horror!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cosmo''': ''[is being disintegrated by Jorgen's invention]'' You musn't blame yourself, even though it is all your fault.
:'''Wanda''': Timmy, remember- we love you...
:'''Timmy''': NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I goofed up this world. Now, I'm ungoofing it.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''(While on the phone)''
:'''AJ:''' Are you playing the Crash Nebula video game? Shouldn't you be studying?
:'''Timmy:''' What are you? My Mom?
''(Timmy hangs up)''
:'''AJ:''' Hey genius, you missed the receiver.
''(Timmy hangs up again)''
:'''AJ:''' Nope, still off.
&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:''(Timmy is studying for his quiz)'':
:'''Cosmo:''' Hey, wanna play the Not Study Game?
:'''Timmy:''' How do you play?
:'''Cosmo''' ''(after shoving Timmy's textbooks off the desk):'' You're already playing!
:'''Cosmo &amp; Timmy:''' ''YAY!''
:''(after a &quot;Not Study&quot; poof, we see Cosmo and Timmy playing the ''Crash Nebula'' video game)''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Timmy:''' Shouldn't you be rescuing a calculator from a tree?&quot;
:'''A.J.:''' Spell &quot;calculator&quot;.
:'''Timmy:''' C... A... L... Q... ''(A.J. smiles at him)'' Later! ''(runs away)''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Timmy:''' I don't know anything anymore!
:'''Cosmo:''' Welcome to ''my'' world!

===''Super Bike/A Mile in My Shoes'' [2.5]===
:'''Wanda:''' And don't make him re-live Super Toilet!
:'''Cosmo:''' It took the plunger...''THE WHOLE PLUNGER!'' (''curls into fetal position and sucks his thumb'')
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Super Bike''': ''[after Timmy says he can't win, if it would only make his dad sad]'' Well, if he really loved you, he'd let you ''[head turns into a dragon, with a demonic voice]'' RIDE ME!
:'''Timmy:''' Don't say that! My Dad loves me!
:'''Super Bike:''' How do you know he's not lying?
:'''Timmy:''' How do I know ''you're'' not?
:'''Super Bike:''' Well, ''[turns back to its regular self]'' I'm a bike.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cosmo:''' Hi, Super Bike!  Meet Super Screwdriver!
:'''Super Bike:''' ''[angrily]'' Super Toilet!
:'''Cosmo:''' Aaaaaaaaaaah! So...much...''clogging!''  (''curls into fetal position and sucks his thumb again'')
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Wanda:''' Super Bike... Meet Super Toilet!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Timmy''': ''[poofing into Hairy World]'' Fairy World?
:'''Hairy monster''': Hairy World.
:''[A fairy cow poofs in]''
:'''Cow''': Dairy World?
:'''Timmy''': Hairy World.
:'''Cow''': Oh darn it! ''[poofs away]''
&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Cosmo:''' ''(rubbing the wands together like sticks)'' Huh! If I could just light these candles, we could eat!
:'''Wanda:''' Did it ever occur to you we're in a fishbowl filled with water?
:'''Cosmo:''' That's why I'm trying to light these candles. Somebody's got to dry up all this wet food!
:'''Timmy:''' Hey guys, what's new? ''(the candles light)''
:'''Wanda:''' Uh...the laws of physics?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''(Talking to Cosmo as Timmy)''
:'''Mom:''' Oh, sweetie, you feel warm, and you look positively green!
:'''Dad:''' Warm? Green? Those are all the symptoms of steamed broccoli! Get the thermometer! And the salad shooter!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mom:''' ''[finds Wanda (as Timmy) watching TV]'' Timmy! What are you doing up this late? It's way past your bedtime!
:'''Wanda:''' But...uh...but...
:'''Dad:''' No &quot;buts&quot;, young man. You march straight to bed, and don't make me get the giant robot in here.
:''[Mom and Dad then walk into the kitchen and find Cosmo (as Timmy) sneaking into the cookie jar.]''
:'''Mom:''' Timmy! What are you doing in here? You were just in there.
:'''Cosmo:''' Uh.... no I wasn't?
:'''Dad:''' Well, that settles that. But you know you're not supposed to eat sweets this late at night...or change from pink to green.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mom''': ''(seeing Cosmo disguised as Timmy)'' Oh no! Timmy feels warm! And he's green! 
:'''Dad:''' Warm? Green? Those are all the symptoms of steamed broccoli! Get the [[w:thermometer|thermometer]]! And the salad shooter! 
:'''Mom:''' ''(spotting Timmy (as a gill-less fish) floating upside-down in the fishbowl)'' I better get the fish a thermometer, too!

===''Timvisible/That Old Black Magic'' [2.6]===
:''[Timmy is being chased by Francis, the school bully.]''
:'''Wanda:''' You know, sweetie, running away from your problems never solved anything.
:'''Francis:''' ''(knocking other children out of the way)'' Turner!
:'''Cosmo:''' But it's great cardio - run, Timmy, run!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Spanish teacher:''' ¿Donde esta el queso de apestoso? (Translation: Where is the American cheese?) ''[original airing version; all current versions substitute &quot;American&quot; for &quot;smelly&quot;]''
:'''Cosmo:''' ''(holding up a piece of cheese emblazoned with the [[w:Flag of the United States|U.S. flag]])'' ¡Aquí! (clears throat) Tengo un puerco en mis chones.
:'''Wanda:''' You have a hog in your pants?
:'''Cosmo:''' ¡Sí! ''(pulls a pig out of his pants)''
:'''Spanish teacher:''' Then you get extra credit!
:'''All:''' Yay! Extra credit!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dad''': ''[holding two cell phones]'' Turner One, this is Turner Two, come in, over. Turner One come, in! ''WHY DON'T I ANSWER?!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Anti-Cosmo:''' I'm Anti-Cosmo, ''[pouring tea]'' I'm not an idiot in any way whatsoever. 
:'''Anti-Wanda:''' And I'm the Anti-Wanda! I'm incredibly stupid and I eat with my feets! ''[begins eating a sandwich with her feet]''
:'''Anti-Cosmo:''' You see, we've been trapped behind that blasted barrier for centuries. But we knew that one [[Friday the 13th]], some child would be stupid enough to have his fairies wish him here, and set all of us free! You're our hero; our big, stupid hero!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[the Anti-Fairies are escaping from Fairy World]''
:'''Wanda:''' Jorgen, you have to get them back!
:'''Jorgen:''' And I will!  I will use every urge of my awesome fairy powers to... ''(factory whistle appears and blows)'' Shift's over - your problem!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aide:''' Mister President, you almost caused a nuclear war! What are you going to do next?
:'''President:''' I'm goin' to Escalator Land!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[at Escalator Land in a flashback]''
:'''Wanda''': I thought you liked that other amusement park, Escalator Land.
:'''Timmy''': No way! That park was for babies...
:''[Flashback to Timmy's visit, riding an escalator)]''
:'''Young Timmy''': Dad, when do we get to the ride?
:'''Dad''': This ''is'' the ride!
:'''Mom and Dad''': Yippee!

===''Foul Balled/The Boy Who Would Be Queen'' [2.7]===
:'''Trixie and Veronica''': ''[as heard by the boys]'' Blah-blah shopping! Blah-blah clothes! Blah-blah hair! Blah-blah boy bands! Blah-blah we'll ''never'' notice you!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Timmy''': ''[after being turned into a girl]'' ''EEEEEKKKK!'' What did you do?! I didn't wish for this!
:'''Wanda''': You said &quot;I wish&quot; and &quot;Girl&quot;.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Timmy's Dad''': ''[eating Chester-endorsed breakfast cereal]'' Mmm! These Chester-O's are a great part of any winner's complete breakfast!
:'''Timmy''': Don't you want to try some Timmy-O's? ''[pulls out a cardboard box of cereal oats with a crude crayon drawing of Timmy taped onto it and we hear a laughing baby in the background]''
:'''Timmy's Dad''': '''That''' loser cereal? That's for pack-mules. Son, I need to achieve.
:'''Cosmo''': ''[cereal is thrown into fish bowl]'' Hey! These are for pack-mules!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Timmy''': ''[as a girl]'' I'm going out to the mall to find something Trixie would like. But just so you two have something to laugh at while I'm gone- ''[to Cosmo]'' I wish you were a woman, ''[to Wanda]'' and you were a man!
:'''Cosmo and Wanda''': What?!
:'''Timmy''': You're my godparents. No choice. ''[Cosmo and Wanda do as Timmy asked]'' Congratulations. You're now Cosma and Wando!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wanda''': ''[after Chester bunts the ball, and it grinds against his braces]'' Wait! It bounced against his braces and split into twenty-seven separate, yet still-in-play, pieces of baseball.
:'''Timmy''': ''[with a calculator]'' Let's see... 3 outs each times 9 players...twenty seven outs?!
:'''Wanda''': That's nine innings of outs in one swing!
:'''Umpire''': Game over! Losers lose!

===''Mighty Mom and Dyno Dad/Knighty Knight'' [2.9]===
:'''Dad:''' And that's all you need to know about where babies come from!
:'''Timmy:''' But what's the machine for?
:'''Dad:''' I'll tell you when you're older!

----

:'''Mighty Mom:''' ''[stopping a helicopter getaway]'' It sure is drafty up here.
:'''Dyno Dad:''' ''[to criminal]'' You better button up or you'll catch your death, '''''OF JUSTICE!!'''''

----

:'''Sir Finkleberg''': ''[greeting Timmy]'' What ho, tiny knight with a shield that smells like a hundred horses' butts? I am on my way to pull the sword from the stone, and claim my rightful place as King of England.
:'''Timmy''': And you are-?
:'''Sir Finkleberg''': I have many names; the Shining Knight, the Hammer of Fury. But you, my fellow warrior, may call me... Sir Finkleberg.
:'''Timmy''': Finkleberg? What kind of dumb name is Finkle- ''[gets stomped into a crevice by Finkleberg; then pops back up]'' Cool! I got trampled upon by Sir Finkleberg.

===''Fairly Fairly Quite Contrary/Nectar of the Odds'' [2.10]===
:'''[[w:Juandissimo Magnifico|Juandissimo]]:''' Wanda, my love! ''(begins kissing &quot;Wanda's&quot; hand)'' I've missed you more than the sun misses the dawn!
:'''Wanda:''' Well, that's all very flattering...
:'''Cosmo:''' But that's ''my'' hand pal, and guess what, I don't need magic to turn it into a ''FIST!'' ''(tries unsuccessfully)'' ''(Juandissimo then turns Cosmo into a tortoise and his wand lands several feet away)'' When I get my wand..oh, you are in for it! ''(crawls towards wand)''
:'''Juandissimo''': ''(over-dramatically)'' You see how he almost turned his hand into a fist?! I am lucky to be alive!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jorgen''': The handsome fairy has failed to rescue his godchild...''(the crowd boos)''...but he is still very sexy! ''(the crowd cheers and showers Juandissimo with flowers)''
:'''Juandissimo''': This, I can live with.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Cosmo and Wanda|Cosmo]]:''' ''[mocking Juandissimo]'' Hey, Muscles Magoo! ''(turns into Juandissimo)'' Look at me! I'm fancy, and my long black hair flows in the wind! 
:'''Juandissimo''': Stop making fun of my outer beauty!
:'''Cosmo''': I'm strong, but I still lost my woman to an idiot!
:''[a few moments later]''
:'''Cosmo:''' ''(turns into a fat Juandissimo)'' Chunky Hunky! 
:'''Juandissimo:''' ''STOP!''
:'''Cosmo:''' ''[turns into a fat monkey Juandissimo]'' Monkey Chunky Hunky!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Juandissimo''': ''(to Wanda)'' Your voice...is like the chorus of a thousand angels!
:'''Cosmo''': Yeah?! Well, my foot is gonna feel like the chorus of a thousand- ''(Juandissimo turns Cosmo into a tortoise)'' '''''REVENGE! REVEEEEEENGE!''''' ''(starts crawling towards his wand)''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Cosmo and Wanda|Wanda]]:''' Why doesn't he just wish for sweeter lemonade?
:'''Cosmo:''' I can do that! ''[he takes off his shoes and socks, then sticks his socks into a glass.]''
:'''Wanda:''' I said &quot;sweeter&quot;, not &quot;sweatier&quot;!
:'''Cosmo:''' Really? I thought you said, &quot;dunk your sweaty socks in Timmy's lemonade&quot;!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Chet Ubetcha:''' This is Chet Ubetcha with ''BIG'' news...''I'M THE TALLEST NEWSCASTER ALIVE! DETAILS AT ELEVEN!''

===''Hail to the Chief/Twistory'' [2.11]===
:'''Wanda:''' ''(with Cockney accent)'' Oh no! Without our wands, we can't use our magic to change everything back!
:'''Timmy:''' ''(with Cockney accent)'' I say, this is a bit of a stickywicket! ''(normal voice)'' I mean, dude! This reeks!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Timmy:'''  Oh no!! One of them is going to turn the future America into a yellow-toothed-electricity-deprived rathole!!
:'''Cosmo:'''  Yeah! And the other one is going to turn it into a brightly-lit democratically-run rathole!!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Wanda:''' Don't worry Timmy! It's not over 'till the fat lady votes!
:'''Cosmo:'''  ''Can'' the principal vote?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[George Washington]]:''' (recurring) Must- chop- WOOOOOOD!

===''Fool's Day Out/Deja Vu'' [2.12]===
:'''Wanda:''' Cosmo thinks everything's funny. Watch. ''(to Cosmo, speaking in a monotone voice)'' Pudding.
:'''Cosmo:''' Ha-ha-ha! She said 'puh', then 'ding'!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mom:''' We're going to read fairy tales to low privileged, confused dolphins!
:'''Dad:''' We're gonna read &quot;The Little Dolphin Who Cried...&quot; ''[dolphin cry]''!
:'''Mom:''' Have fun, you two!
:'''Vicky''': Oh, don't worry. ''(holds up a bunny suit)'' We're going to redefine the word fun!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dad:''' Hey, guess what, Timmy, we're gonna grade you on your performance! We'll give you an A-! [holds out an A-]
:'''Timmy:''' An A-''minus''?!
:'''Dad:''' Up-bup-bup, questioning the grades, that gives you a B. ''[holds out a B]''
:'''Timmy:''' But...
:'''Dad:''' Talking back, that gives you a C! [holds out a C]
:'''Timmy:''' A ''C''?!
:'''Dad:''' Raising your voice! D! [holds out a Q]
:'''Timmy:''' That's a Q!
:'''Dad:''' That gives you an F, smarty pants! [hands him an F]
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dad:''' Hey, guess what Timmy, we're gonna grade you on your performance!
:'''Timmy:''' Oh yeah? Then I'm gonna grade ''you'' too!
:'''Dad:''' A B?!
:'''Timmy:''' Up-bup-bup, questioning the grades gives you a C!
:'''Dad:''' Uh...uh...uh...
:'''Timmy:''' Stammering gives you a D!
:'''Dad:''' What...are you mad?!
:'''Timmy:''' ''Insulting the teacher,'' ''F!''
:'''Dad:''' ''(starts to cry and leaves with Mom]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Timmy:''' ''[Timmy is playing a Crash Nebula video game, like he did back in &quot;Smarty Pants.&quot;]'' Hey, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
:'''Cosmo:''' Uh... never cook bacon with your shirt off? ''[whistling, removes shirt and tie, bacon splatters out of the pan]''
:'''Timmy:''' No. I wish my life had a reset button!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Timmy:''' This time I'm ready for Crocker's stupid test!
:'''Mr. Crocker:''' Heh. Good news, Turner. You've taken F to a new level. I'm going to give you a Super F! Heh-heh-eh-eh-heh!
:''[Timmy pushes the re-do button]''
:'''Mr. Crocker:''' A D! As in...''don't'' get your hopes up for a high-paying career! ''(chuckles)''
:''[Timmy pushes the re-do button]''
:'''Mr. Crocker:''' B! As in...but you're not supposed to ''be'' this smart.
:''[Timmy pushes the re-do button]''
:'''Mr. Crocker:''' An A-! As in...oh, wait, I give so few A's, I have no prepared sarcasm.

===''Scary Godparents'' [2.13]===
:'''Cosmo:''' This year, I'm a floating [[Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide|human janitor]].
:'''Wanda:''' And I'm a floating human nurse.
:'''Cosmo:''' Who floats!
:'''Vicky:''' And I'm the Wicked Witch of &quot;Where's-My-Candy?!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Dad:''' I'm going as your mom!
:'''Mom:''' And I'm going as your dad!
:'''Timmy:''' And I'm going straight to therapy.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jack-O-Bots:''' Activate gloat mode!

===''Ruled Out/That's Life'' [2.14]===
:'''Timmy:''' It's violent!
:'''Mr. Turner:''' And educational!
:'''Timmy and Mr. Turner:''' But mostly violent! Yay, violence!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Timmy:''' ''[tackles Eddie to the ground]'' Eddie, no! Dad, run! Eddie's back from the dead, and he wants to KILL you!
:'''Mr. Turner''': Kill me? Why would he wanna kill me? Your mom's the one who forgot to feed him when you went to summer camp. ''[echoes]'' Camp. Camp.

===''Shiny Teeth/Odd Odd West'' [2.15]===
:'''Chester:''' Hey, why does this jail cell have a coyote-shaped dog door?
:'''Sanjay:''' Because fate is cruel?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Chet:''' ''[as Chip Skylark speaks (and fails) in protest against making Skip Sparkypants the star of a commercial]'' What? [[w:Lassie|There's a boy trapped in a well]]? This is Chet Ubetcha saying: &quot;I'm getting that boy out of the well!&quot;

===''Cosmo Con/Wanda's Day Off'' [2.16]===
:'''Mr. Turner:''' Hit it, Britney!
:'''Britney:''' You got it! ''[starts dancing with her backup dancers]''
:'''Mrs. Turner:''' Hey! Wait a Minute! Dad never asks ''ME'' to hit it! ''[pulls her shirt sleeve up and kicks Britney Britney out of the house]'' '''AND STAY OUT!'''
:'''Britney:''' (digusted) That's it! No more private gigs!
----
:'''Mrs. Turner:''' Can't a woman clip coupons in the comfort of her own bathroom?
:'''Mr. Crocker:''' ''[nervously]'' I guess I should've knocked first.
----
:'''Juandissimo:''' ''[covered in roaches]'' Ladies! Come back! Underneath this crunchy roach exterior beats the heart of a lover! ''[is overtaken by the roaches]''
----
:'''Cosmo:''' (observing a cockroach with Timmy, but nothing of interest has happened yet) Are we done yet? I've got nothing, and this is boring.
:'''Timmy:''' We haven't learned anything yet.
:'''Cosmo:''' (estatically) Make a wish! Make a wish!
:'''Timmy:''' I don't know; with Wanda not being here, and you being- you... ''[sees Cosmo tearing up]'' Oh, come on! It's not that I don't trust you, it's- no wait, it's pretty much that.
''[Cosmo wails in hysterics]''
:'''Timmy:''' Okay, okay! One teeny wish, and that's it!
----
:'''Cockroach Leader:''' ''[notices a UFO attacking]'' Forces are invading! We need reinforcements!
:'''Timmy:''' Martians? You sent martians to destroy the cockroaches?
:'''Cosmo:''' You said nothing on Earth could destroy them, so I picked something not from Earth. ''[UFOs zap anything within sight, but fail to kill any roaches]''
:'''Timmy:''' Martians destroy everything; except roaches! Don't you watch the movies?
:'''Cosmo:''' Please, Timmy! Wanda's gonna be home any minute. If she sees this, she's gonna think I'm a idiot!
:'''Timmy:''' And this would be news to her '''''how'''''? ''[Cosmo's lip quivers]'' Augh, great. The lower lip thing.

== Season 3 ==
===''Information Stupor Highway'' [3.1]===
:'''Veronica''': Do I think Timmy Turner is neat? Actually, my love for him burns with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns, but I can't let Trixie know that. ''[typing]'' No way, he's gross!
:'''Timmy''': Oh, great. The crazy one likes me.
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''A.J.'s mom, Mr. Turner, Trixe's dad, Crocker's mom''': (A.J.! Timmy!, Trixe!, Denzel! Denzel Crocker!) I'm respecting your privacy by knocking but asserting my authority as your mother(A.J., Crocker)/father (Timmy, Trixe) by coming in anyway! ''(breaks down door with battering ram)''


===''Odd Jobs/Movie Magic'' [3.2]===
:'''Cosmo''': ''[after everyone else besides Timmy and his friends leave the showing of Timmy's film]'' Your friends really seemed to like it.
:'''Timmy''': Well, duh! They were in it; but what did Trixie think? ''[finds a picture of Trixie's hand, with a note written on it]'' You stink. Attached is a photo of my hand. Please talk to it.
:'''Cosmo''': I'm gonna say that's a thumbs-down.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Timmy''': I'll never abandon you guys for a girl again! Now excuse me while I go abandon you for a girl .
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Timmy''': I don't understand! Why aren't you talking to me?!
:'''Trixie''': Because, anonymous voice from nobody, you won an award for comedy, and everyone knows that comedy is the lowest form of entertainment. Next to animation.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Trixie''': Oh, my gosh! I forgot! I'm totally in love with rock stars!

===''Love Struck'' [3.3]===
:'''[[w:Timmy Turner|Timmy]]:''' Cosmo! I wish all the girls were back.
:'''[[w:Cosmo and Wanda|Cosmo]]:''' You got it! ''[pause]'' What's a girl?
:'''Timmy:''' Well, they're soft, and cuddly!
:''[Cosmo 'poofs' a big pink cushion into the room.]''
:'''Timmy:''' No, they're warm and they make you feel nice.
:''[Cosmo 'poofs' a monster truck into the room.]''
:'''Cosmo:''' ''[To monster truck]'' Yay! I'm gonna call you Wanda.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''One of Cupids' Cherubs''' We're losing all love power, I'm transferring the emergency backup power to your coffee machine.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Wanda''' &quot;Whoever you are, you're going down&quot; 
:'''Cosmo''' &quot;Whoever I am, no I'm not!&quot;
----
:'''Timmy:''' &quot;Tootie, Will you be my valentine?&quot;
:'''Tootie:''' &quot;Yes, Yes, YES!&quot;
:'''Timmy:''' &quot;Oh, well.&quot;
(Tootie kisses Timmy a lot.)
:'''Cosmo:''' &quot;Awww, thats adorible.&quot;
(Tootie keeps kissing him a lot.)
:'''Cosmo:''' &quot;That's getting awkward.&quot;
(Tootie still kisses him a lot.)
:'''Cosmo:''' &quot;And now, they're getting creepy.&quot;
:'''Wanda:''' &quot;Oh, shut up and kiss me, will ya!&quot;
(Wanda kisses Cosmo.)
:'''Cupid''': Ain't love a hoot. Come on everybody, let's march! One, Two! One, Two! One, Two
(''The screen closes to black'')
:'''Trixe''': (on Timmy's answering macheine'') Hi, Timmy. It's me, Trixe.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:Cherubs: (''while transporting nuclear missles with hearts on them'') LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE!

===''Most Wanted Wish/This is Your Wish'' [3.4]===
:'''Jorgen''': The rules of the Texas Cage Match are very simple: if you get blasted in the butt, '''YOU LOSE!!'''
''[camera pans to two fairies with very large rears]''
:'''Large Fairy #1''': Of course.
:'''Large Fairy #2''': Typical.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cosmo during his training:'''
** &quot;I know how to make it ([[w:Pompeii|Pompeii]]) warmer!&quot; ''([[w:Mount Vesuvius|Mt. Vesuvius]] erupts, destroying the city)''
** &quot;I know how to make it ([[w:Atlantis|Atlantis]]) cleaner!&quot; ''(flushes it down the ocean)''
** &quot;I call it ([[w:Xanadu|Xanadu]]) Pittsburgh!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Wanda''' &quot;Ordinarily, I'd agree with you, ''(door slams on her)'' but the slight concussion is making me less suspicious...has that hat always been orange?&quot;

===''Pipe Down/The Big Scoop'' [3.16]===
:[''The Turners and the Dinklebergs get ready to play Charades'']
:'''Timmy's Mom''': Come on! Let's play Charades!
:'''Timmy's Dad''': All right, you guys. Remember the rules of Charades. This means &quot;sounds like&quot; ''(pulls his ear)''. This means &quot;two words&quot; ''(pulls up two fingers)''. This means &quot;you got it&quot; ''(touching his nose)''. Now let's show the Dinklebergs how we Turners are the best charades players ever!
:''[1.25 Seconds Later]''
:'''Timmy's Dad''': YOU ARE THE WORST CHARADES PLAYER EVER!!!
:'''Dinkleberg''': Thanks for the trophies, Turner.
:'''Timmy's Dad''': This ''(waves his arms like a bird)'' is not a bulldozer! This ''(gallops like a horse)'' is not a fudgesicle! And ''(pretends to row a boat)'' HOW IS THIS ''[[w:Ghostbusters II|GHOSTBUSTERS II]]''?!
:'''Timmy''': But...
:'''Mr. Turner''': ''(pointing to his butt)'' No buts! ''(Points to Timmy's room)'' Go to your room!

===''Chip off the Old Chip/Snow Bound'' [3.17]===
''[Timmy is watching a [[w:Wheel of Fortune|Wheel of Fortune]]-like game show, the puzzle reads &quot;GET CHIP SKYLARK TO SAY I WISH I HAD T_MMY TURNER'S VOICE&quot;]''
:'''Contestant''': I'd like to solve the puzzle! Is it &quot;Get Chip Skylark to say I wish I had Timmy Turner's Voice?&quot; ''[a buzzer sounds]''
:'''Host''': No! I'm sorry. It's that old song, &quot;Get Chip Skylark to say I wish I had ''Tommy'' Turner's Voice&quot;.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vicky''': And then, when I was eight, my mom and dad said my turtle ran away. But he couldn't have run away. Turtles can't run!

===The Secret Origin of Denzel Crocker!===
:’’’Jorgen’’’: Denzel Crocker!!! You have revealed your secret!!!
:’’’Denzel’’’: No it was a mistake!!!

==Season 4==

===The Big Superhero Wish!===
:'''Nega Chin''': We'll meet again, Crimson Chin! I swear it! 
:'''Crimson Chin''': You can't swear. Only the super-edgy 1985 Crimson Chin can swear! 
:'''1985 Crimson Chin''': Yeah, and I got cancelled for it! 

---

:'''Timmy/ Cleft''': Thanks for saving me, Crimson Chin. You're a real hero.
:'''&quot;Crimson Chin&quot; (Nega Chin)''': Yes I am, Cleft. Yes I am. [evil laugh]
:'''Timmy/ Cleft''': Hey, what's up with the evil laugh?
:'''&quot;Crimson Chin&quot;''': Um..uh...Stay in school! [flies off]
---

:'''Doctor Crocktopus (Crocker)''': ''[imprisoned in the Nega Chin's lair]'' This is a very depressing room. No sunlight, no hope... I should teach kids in here!

---

:'''Dr. Crocktopus (Crocker)''': IT'S THE NEGA CHIN!!! THE CRIMSON CHIN'S ARCHENEMY!!!
:'''Baby Shredder (Vicky)''': How did you know that? 
:'''Dr. Crocktopus (Crocker)''': I've confiscated a lot of comic books in my time. 

===Genie Meanie Minie Moe===
:'''Timmy''': ''[to Mr. Burkenbakke]'' Mr. Burkenbakke? What are you doing with this garage sale? There's no garage.
:'''Mr. Burkenbakke''': Of course not. I'm a teacher. I can't afford a garage. It's a &quot;I Don't Have a Garage&quot; garage sale. I don't make &quot;Crocker&quot; money.
:'''Timmy''': ''[reading a sign]'' ''[[w:Make Love, Not War|Make Smoof, Not War]]''? What's &quot;smoof&quot;?
:'''Mr. Burkenbakke''': Only the most naturally recurring material on Earth, little dude.
:'''Timmy''': How come I've never heard of it?
:'''Mr. Burkenbakke''': Because, &quot;'''''the man'''''&quot; doesn't want you to.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Norm''': ''[appears after Timmy rubs his lamp]'' Whoa, man! That was some party. Hey! This isn't Marlo's house; and these aren't my pants.
:'''Timmy''': Hey, you're a genie!
:'''Norm''': Well, I guess we can cut brains off the wish list. Okay, kid here's the deal: I am Norm. I'm a magical genie, and- ''[Timmy, Cosmo and Wanda walk away]'' -hey! Wait up! ''[poofs back in front of Timmy]'' What's the big ten-year old hurry? What, are you late for a wedgie? Don't ya get it, for freeing me from the lamp, you get three wishes so- ''[Timmy and his fairies walk away again; and Norm poofs back up in front of Timmy]'' Hey! Smoof for brains! What part of three wishes do you not understand?
:'''Wanda''': Timmy doesn't need you. He has fairy godparents. ''[Cosmo and Wanda's hair gets tangled]''
:'''Cosmo''': The swirl is dangerous!
:'''Norm''': ''[chuckling]'' Fairy Godparents? ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, yeah, they're useful.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Timmy''': ''[in front of Trixie Tang's house]'' Time to get what I've always wanted; Trixie Tang's love.
:'''Wanda''': Timmy, this is going to end badly.
:'''Timmy''': I'll just be more specific: I wish Trixie Tang loved Timmy Turner.
:'''Norm''': Whatever you say. ''[puts wish in action]''
:'''Trixie Tang''': ''[lovestruck]'' I love Timmy Turner. I love Timmy Turner.
:'''Timmy''': Excellent! ''[a boy walks up to Trixie]'' Not excellent! Who's that?
:'''Norm''': That? That's Timmy J. Turner, of Penouscha, Wisconsin. ''[Trixie kisses the boy, and he faints, awestruck; as Trixie floats another boy]'' That's Timmy K. Timmy, El Sadungo, California. ''[Trixie kisses the boy and he also faints; as Trixie then floats to a old man]'' Timothy T. Turner, of Plattsburgh, Georgia...
:'''Timothy T. Turner''': ''[Trixie gives him a peck kiss of affection]'' Oh-ho, you are sweet!
:'''Norm''': You know what they all have in common? They're all smarter than you! ''[laughs]'' You think this is fun? I think so.
:'''Timmy''': You're going back in the lamp.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Timmy''': ''[to Norm]'' You tricked me!
:'''Norm''': How could I trick you? I mean, you're ten years old and I'm fifty thousand. And with those teeth. I mean look at the size of those things! Hey, there's something you could've wished for: human-sized teeth.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Norm''': ''[trapped inside a vacuum]'' I can't get out! Darn it! This bag is made out of smoof, isn't it? There are three things I can't escape from: magic lamps, the charms of Barbara Eden, and smoof stuff!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Police Guard''': ''[handing Uncle Albert a package]'' Package, Uncle Albert.
:'''Uncle Albert''': Splendid! Put it by the other ones, eh? ''[sets down Norm's lava lamp]'' Ah, another lamp for my collection. I can't wait to rub it... ''[Norm smirks triumphantly]'' ...as soon as they let me out of this straightjacket!
:'''Police Guard''': ''[to another guard]'' Poor sap. He thinks genies really exist.
:'''Guard''': Loony, eh?
:'''Uncle Albert''': Ah-hahahaha! GENIES!
:'''Norm''': ''[in defeat]'' Aw, smoof!

==Season 5==
===Fairy Idol===
:'''Timmy Clone:''' This tea taste like stupid green fish and fat pink fish!

:'''Cosmo and Wanda:''' WHAT??!!

:'''Cosmo:''' Nobody calls wanda fat except my mother, and me that one time and ill never make that mistake again.

:'''Wanda:''' Nobody calls Cosmo stupid except me, Jorgen, and well everybody and its still not nice!

:'''Cosmo and Wanda:''' WE QUIT! 

:'''Wanda:''' Goodbye forever, you ungrateful- twerp!

:'''Timmy:''' WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!!

:'''Norm:''' Hey. Anyone has an evil plan going great today? No just me? Ha Ha!

:'''Timmy:''' You made my godparents quit. Why you do that?

:'''Norm:''' Isn't it obvious? With those 2 out of the picture that position is open to anyone including me. All the power of a Genie all the freedom of a fairy. How great will that be? For me.

:'''Timmy:''' You'll never get away with this!

:'''Norm:''' Sure I will because according to Da Rules in about 4 seconds Jorgen is going to wipe your memory.

:'''Jorgen:''' Timmy turner you have lost your godparents!

:'''Jorgen:''' Binky, I need more ominous music. Play track 7. ''[Binky turns on a track on a CD which plays &quot;Pop Goes the Weasel&quot;]'' I SAID TRACK 7!

:'''Binky:''' Sorry!

:'''Norm:''' Well jimmy mcjarhead I was hoping I could go from filthy genie trapped in a lamp to idiot fairy not trapped in a lamp.

:'''Norm:''' I'll tell you in song!

:'''AJ:''' We don't feel like thinking anymore. SURFS UP DUDES!!

:'''Norm:''' (After 2 weeks of not granting a wish) And then I said who cares?

:'''Norm:''' Oh but before I grant your wishes I QUIT! HA! IM NOT A FAIRY ANYMORE! DOUBLE HA HA!

:'''Jorgen:''' Timmy Turner once again you have lost your fairy. BINKY TRACK 7! And this time when I wipe your memory it will stay wiped!

:'''Norm:''' Hah!

:'''Jorgen:''' And you! You are no longer a Fairy you are a genie once more!

:'''Norm:''' You think I care? I still jerked Timmy of his godparents and those two floating nitwits are out of a job. I still win!

:'''Chester''': ''[to Norm]'' Nobody makes a fool out of Chester McBadbat; except the school system, the government, and every girl I've ever met!

:'''Girls:''' They're bald! Gross!

:'''Timmy:''' Hat. Clothes. Shoes— (he looks down at his feet; due to the way he is drawn, his pants and &quot;shoes&quot; are the same, continuous object) Whatever! Bed covers. Enjoy your day off guys; I love you!

:'''Cosmo and Wanda:''' We love you too Timmy!

:'''Cosmo:''' (after exploding due to magical back-up) Neat! I'm string! YAY!

==Season 6==

===Vicky gets Fired!===
'''Vicky:''' Guess what twerp its game night! So what U want to play? Checkers or Dungeons?

'''Vicky:''' Hello twerp WANNA PLAY A GAME?!

===Chindred Spirits===
'''Hair Razor:''' I LOVE BEING EVIL!!

===The End of the Universe-ity===

'''Wanda:''' Don't do it, Timmy. Think of all the people on the Earth. 

'''Cosmo:''' Think of your parents who spent your college money on hot dogs and are unconcerned when Vicky shows up with chainsaws. 

'''Wanda:''' (has him hitting himself with a frying pan.) 

'''Mr. Crocker:''' Ahh! I'm naked!

==Season 7==

===Anti-Poof===
:'''Anti-Wanda:''' I'm so happy I should explode.

:'''Foop:''' Hello Clarice, I mean mother.

:'''Anti-Cosmo:''' No silly. You are the opposite of Baby Poof and you name shall be FOOP!

:'''Foop:''' Prepare for takeoff. Its time for a playdate OF DOOM!

:'''Foop:''' There's a new sheriff in town and his name, unfortunately, is Foop! 

:'''Foop:''' I've waited my whole life for this moment! All 6 Hours and 45 Minutes of it! 

:'''Denzel Crocker:''' Who's The Boss Now Fizzy!

===Playdate of Doom===
:'''Jorgen:''' I am Jorgen Von Strangle! DON'T BE A DUMMY!

:'''Foop:''' Time to play with Poof.. the game of doom!

:'''Foop:''' Hello Auntie Wanda and Uncle Idiot, I mean... Cosmo

:'''Foop:''' Boy you are one annoying cleaning lady!

===Operation Dinkleberg===
:'''Dinkleberg:''' You see Turner, I am part of a secret organization called MEAN!

The ministery of evil and abusive neighbors!

===Balance of Flour===
:'''Poof:''' MORE! GOOD! MORE!!!

:'''Poof:''' MORE BROWNIES!

:'''Mother Nature:''' There's nothing here. IT'S NOT NICE TO FOOL MOTHER NATURE!

===Crocker Shocker===
:'''Wanda:''' You built Fairy World over a place called Giant Bucket of Acid World ???!!!!! 

:'''Jorgen Von Strangle:''' In hindsight, it was probably not the best plan. 

===Timmy Turnip===
:'''Grandma Gladys:''' You stink!

[Grandma Gladys slaps Timmy with a fish]

:'''Timmy:''' Why did you hit me with a fish?!

:'''Grandma Gladys:''' It's a tradition in this holiday

:'''Grandpa Vlad:''' In yakristmas we hit you with a seabass 

===Spellementary School===
:'''Foop:''' DEATH!

:'''Mrs. Powers:''' Hello class. I'm Mrs Powers. Welcome to Spellementry School.

:'''Mrs. Powers:''' Does anyboy wantas to make a nomination? [For class president] 

:'''Elf Kid:''' I nominate Foop 
 
[Foop celebrates] 

:'''Elf Kid:''' Spelled backwards ! 

:'''Foop:''' [To himself] You always falls for that... 

:'''Mrs. Powers:''' And the winner is Foop... 

:'''Foop:''' YES! 

:'''Mrs. Powers:''' ... Spelled Backwards! 

:'''Foop:''' Everytime! Wait, anonymous?!?! But that's impossible! I voted for myself, repeatedly! 

:'''Foop:''' [other personality] Actually Poof won me over my his speech so I changed our vote! Oh you imbecile!

===Frenemy Mine===
:'''Vicky:''' Ahaha! I love tarring the twerp! [tries to run, but cannot] 
:'''Timmy Turner:''' Hah! You tarred yourself to the street! And here comes a steamroller!

===Please Don't Feed the Turners===
:'''Timmy:''' You know, I'm not so sure we should go into space just 'cause a circus monkey picked our name from a hat. 

:'''Mr. Turner:''' That's exactly why we should go. Monkeys are never wrong about space travel. 

[later, the rocket is headed right for the sun] 

:'''Mr. Turner:''' We're headed for the sun! We got a defective monkey!

:'''Doug:''' I ain't here, [in Dark Laser's voice] 'cause I'm not Doug Dimmadome. I am Dark Laser. And you, Timmy Turner, have fallen for the old circus-monkey-picked-your-name-from-a-hat-to-win-a-trip-to-space-contest trick.

==Season 8==

===Love Triangle===
:'''Mrs. Powers:''' Alright who threw that?!!

:'''Goldie Goldengirl:''' Oh spiders!

:'''FOOP:''' IT'S FOOP!

===Invasion of the Dads===
'''Mr. Turner:''' I'LL FIX IT! 

'''Mr. Turner:''' Yesterday, I tried to fix a pencil sharpener at work and they had to CALL IN THE COAST GUARD! 

'''Timmy:''' C'mon Dad, you're exaggerating 

'''Mr. Turner:''' (Picks up Timmy to his face) Tell that to Mitch from accounting, he clung to a floating copier for hours until the fish CAME OUT!!! (Sobbing)Waaaah, oh Miiitch....

 
'''Mrs. Turner:''' Oh honey, don't be so hard on yourself. What do you say we make some popcorn and watch the toilet? 

'''Mr. Turner:''' It's no use, I'm an incompetent BOOB ! 

(Walking sobbingly to the front door)I'm just going to stand in the garbage can, in the alley, for the rest of my life (Opens the door with a wrench, an ocean of water floods into the house) 

'''Mr. Turner:''' (talking to Timmy) I flooded the house trying to make hot dogs. 

'''Timmy:''' Guys! I need help. 

'''Cosmo:''' Not now Timmy, we're upset 'cause Timmy blew up! 

'''Cosmo:''' No! You have a perfect civilization. Why would you want to add a woman to it? 

'''Cosmo:''' (talking to Timmy, about Dad ) He destroys everything he touches: The toilet, the TV, your childhood...

===Timmy's Secret Wish===
'''Groupies:''' YAY Timmy!

'''Cosmo:''' Give me a T I M M Y! What does it spell? Seriously what does it spell?

'''Green Fairy Council:''' The Trial of Timmy Turner will now begin!

'''Timmy:''' I object!

'''Blue Fairy Council:''' On what grounds?

'''Timmy:''' The fact we're losing?

'''Blue Fairy Council member:''' We've seen enough. Poof has made it clear to the court that Timmy is definitely not the worst god kid.

'''Foop:''' Objection!

'''Pink Fairy Council Member:''' ON WHAT GROUNDS?!!

'''Foop:''' Give me a minute. There must be something in these legal briefs. (starts looking through the documents. The blue fairy council member has raised his gavel) Come on, come on. A-ha! I have discovered devastating evidence against Timmy Turner. He hasn't made a million wishes after all. HES MADE A MILLION AND ONE!

'''Blue Fairy Council Member:''' Foop what exactly are you saying?

'''Foop:''' I'm saying that Timmy Turner made a secret wish.

'''Blue Fairy Council member:''' A secret wish? But that's the ultimate violation of Fairy Law!!!

'''Pink Fairy Council Member:''' Every wish must be accounted for otherwise godchildren could secretly alter the very fabric of the universe.

'''Jorgen:''' I think we all remember the last secret wish. December 19 1986. Little Joshuah Applebee secretly wished for Chuckles the Fairy eating Cockatiel. (A cockatiel appears.)

'''Timmy:''' Oh come on whats so scary about a silly bird? (The cockatiel is shown attacking Fairy World) Okay thats totally scary.

'''Jorgen:''' Ever since that fateful day all wishes have been carefully documented to avoid further catastrophe but somehow Turner got around the rules.

'''Wanda:''' Hold on a second. We never granted Timmy a secret wish. Right Cosmo?

'''Cosmo:''' I dont remember. But then I dont remember alot of things. Hey, what are we doing in a bowling alley?

'''Wanda:''' Timmy what did you do?

'''Timmy:''' (he looks around the courtroom) Oh alright. I did make a secret wish. Cosmo doesn't remember granting it because I wished he'd forget.

'''Foop:''' (plays scary organ music) Sorry I just love to play at funerals.

'''Jorgen:''' Turner, what did you wish for?

'''Timmy:''' Okay don't be mad but, I secretly wished that everyone would stop aging so that I could stay 10 years old and keep my fairies forever.

'''Blue Fairy council Member:''' What? WHAT?!! WHEN DID YOU MAKE THIS WISH?!!!

'''Timmy:''' 50 years ago?!!

'''Jorgen:''' So let me get this straight, you and everyone else on earth are actually 50 years older?!!

'''Cosmo:''' Do the math Jorgen. 10 + 50 is 13. You're fine Timmy. Lets all go home. If my hunch is correct there should be a puppy there waiting for me.

'''Blue Fairy Council member:''' Timmy Turner, this is an egregious violation of fairy law.

'''Pink Fairy Council member:''' YOU ARE TRULY THE WORST FAIRY GODKID IN HISTORY!!

'''Foop:''' Throw the book at him. Like this! (throws a book at Cosmo. The book knocks Cosmo into the wall).

'''Cosmo:''' Starting to remember why we're here now.

'''Blue Fairy council member:''' It is the decision of this council that every wish Timmy Turner has ever made will be undone and he will have no memory of his fairy godparents.

'''Cosmo and Wanda:''' What?

'''Cheerleaders:''' Yay, Timmy!

'''Blue Fairy council member:''' Timmy Turner, you have made a secret wish and been found guilty of being the worst fairy godkid ever. As a result, all of your wishes will now be undone.

'''Foop:''' Yes! I won the case! Take that, Poof! (Poof blows a raspberry)

'''Jorgen:''' Foop, you do realize that you're Poof's anti-fairy, which means if he goes, you go!

'''Foop:''' No! I won the case! Save me, Poof!

'''Pink Fairy council member:''' And now, Timmy Turner's wishes will be erased forevermore, ad infinitum, e pluribus unum, and a lot of other Latin words no one uses in their li-(mumbles).

'''Wanda:''' No! Poof! (Wanda and Cosmo hug Poof)

'''Foop:''' Hug me too! I'm frightened! (to the purple Fairy Council member) I'll tell you what. (gets a 1 dollar bill) Spare me and all this will be yours. Well, not all of it. Can you break a one?

(the Purple fairy council member bangs his gavel. The ceiling breaks away, revealing a vortex, which sucks up Foop. Poof is then sucked out of Cosmo and Wanda's arms into the vortex. The vortex then disappears.)

'''Wanda:''' (crying) Oh no! My baby!

'''Cosmo:''' (crying) Timmy! What have you done! 

'''Timmy:''' I'm so sorry! I don't know how, but I'll make this right! (The blue fairy council member bangs his gavel, and Cosmo and Wanda disappear) No! Where'd they go?

'''Jorgen:''' Cosmo and Wanda have been sent back to Fairy World, where, thanks to you, they will have no memory of their baby!

'''Foop:''' &quot;You said...WHAT!&quot; (Looks back at Timmy and says in a tiny voice,) &quot;Please save me!&quot;

'''Blue Fairy Council member:''' And now it is time to undo your secret wish. Bring in Father Time. (he waves his arms but nothing happens) YOO HOO! FATHER TIME!! (Father Time appears)

'''Father Time:''' Sorry, sorry, I forgot to set my watch for Daylight Savings Time. I sprung ahead when I should have fallen back. Hey, I brought gifts. (he reaches into his beard) You know what they say, there's no present like the time. (pulls out four watches) Get it?

'''Blue Fairy Council Member:''' Hes been doing that same joke for thousands of years.

'''Father Time:''' So this is the kid who made the secret wish. YOU DON'T GET A WATCH MISTER. I WILL NOW SET THINGS RIGHT BY ADVANCING TIME ON EARTH 50 YEARS! SHAZAM! 

'''Timmy Turner:''' Nothing happened.

'''Father Time:''' I know. I just like saying Shazam, and other z words, like Jacuzzi, zing, Zamboni, xylophone. Doesn't have a Z but it sounds like one. (holds up a watch in front of Timmy) Timmy Turner, you are about to age 50 years in the blink of an eye.

'''Blue Fairy Council Member:''' And you will have no memory of your fairies or of this council. (Father Time flicks the minute hand on the big watch forward. Time then advances 50 years)

'''Jorgen:''' Turner, Mr Crocker, what are you doing here?

'''Wanda:''' My baby hes gone forever.

'''Jorgen:''' What? Not my frosting! I'll defend it till my last breath.

'''Cyclops:''' GRARRR!!

'''Jorgen:''' Fine take it. I'm not so butterscotch with it anyway.

'''Cyclops:''' Thank you. Happy Halloween.

'''Timmy:''' &quot;HEY! CHUCKLES COME AND GET ME! I'm a delicious fairy!&quot;

'''Blue Fairy Council member:''' SILENCE! You've been summoned here because you violated the ruling of the Fairy Council!

'''Pink Fairy Council member:''' You helped Timmy free his erased wishes from the Hocus Pocanos.

'''Purple Fairy Council member:''' And now you will all be punished!

'''Poof:''' POOF POOF POOF!

'''Pink Fairy Council member:''' Thats the most brilliant legal argument I ever heard. Let the retrial begin.

'''Timmy:''' Ahhhh! Go away Chuckles. I lied. Im not a fairy.

'''Blue Fairy Council Member:''' Timmy turner. We have no doubt you acted heroically in saving your friends and foop. However you are still guilty of the ultimate violation in fairy law: Making a secret wish.

'''Timmy:''' Look Im sorry. I didn't make that wish to have magical fairies forever. I made it so that I could have Cosmo, Wanda and Poof forever because I can't imagine life without them. I don't care if I never get to make another wish just please don't take them away from me. They are my family.

:'''Blue Fairy Council member:''' Bring in Father Time!
:'''Fairy Cop:''' Looks like he's late again.
:'''Timmy:''' Boy did I learned my lesson. Never ever make another secret wish.

===When Losers Attack===
:'''Timmy:''' Your calling yourselves the L.O.S.E.R.S.?
:'''Wanda:''' Oh we took the bear bus.
:'''Vicky:''' The eyes!

===Meet the Oddparents===
:'''Mr. Turner:''' It's no use, son! The gig is up!
:'''Mrs. Turner:''' We know your secret!
:'''Timmy:''' Ahhh! You were right, Wanda! I got careless and now I'm totally busted!
:'''Mr. Turner:''' That's right, son! You might as well 'fess up!'
:'''Timmy:''' Well, -
:'''Wanda:''' Timmy, no!
:'''Poof:''' Poof, poof!
:'''Timmy:''' It's too late. My mom and dad know I have... fairy godparents.

==Season 9==
===Two and a Half Babies===
:'''Foop''': February 3rd, your mine!
==Season 10==

===Certifiable Super Sitter===
:'''Vicky''': certified this!!!
===Return of the L.O.S.E.R.S.===
:'''Foop''': Oh it’s gonna get darker a lot sooner than that
:'''Dark Laser''': Quiet! She'll hear us

==Films==
* ''[[Schools Out!: The Musical]]'' (2005)
* ''[[The Jimmy Timmy Power Hour Specials|The Jimmy Timmy Power Hour]]'' (2004-06)
* ''[[Wishology]]'' (2009)
* ''[[A Fairly Odd Movie: Grow Up, Timmy Turner!]]'' (2011)
* ''[[A Fairly Odd Christmas]]'' (2012)
* ''[[A Fairly Odd Summer]]'' (2014)

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|tt0235918|The Fairly OddParents}}
* [http://www.nick.com/all_nick/tv_supersites/display_show.jhtml?show_id=fai The Fairly OddParents at Nick.com]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Fairly OddParents, The}}
[[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]]
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[[Category:2010s Nickelodeon original series]]
[[Category:Flash animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Nicktoons]]
[[Category:The Fairly OddParents]]
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  <page>
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      <text bytes="6220" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Rashi's Talmud Commentary.jpg|thumb|right|An early printing of the Talmud with commentary by [[Rashi]]]]

The '''[[w:Talmud|Talmud]]''' (תלמוד) is considered an authoritative record of rabbinic discussions on Jewish law, Jewish ethics, customs, legends and stories. It consists of the ''Mishnah'', a record of oral traditions, and the ''Gemara'', which comments upon, interprets and applies these oral traditions. A section of the Mishnah is followed by the Gemara on that section. There are two distinct Gemaras: the Yerushalmi and the Bavli, and two corresponding Talmuds: Talmud Yerushalmi (Jerusalem Talmud) and the Talmud Bavli (Babylonian Talmud); The word &quot;Talmud&quot;, when used without qualification, usually refers to the Babylonian Talmud.  Neither Gemara is complete.

''See also:'' [[Pirkei Avot]], a section of the Mishnah.

== Quotes ==

* Whoever destroys a soul, it is considered as if he destroyed an entire world. And whoever saves a life, it is considered as if he saved an entire world.
** Mishnah [[w:Sanhedrin (tractate)|Sanhedrin]] 4:5; ''Yerushalmi Talmud'' [http://www.mechon-mamre.org/b/r/r4604.htm 4:9], Babylonian Talmud Sanhedrin 37a.
** Variant: Whoever destroys a single life is considered by Scripture to have destroyed the whole world, and whoever saves a single life is considered by Scripture to have saved the whole world.
** Quoted in ''Schindler's List'' as &quot;Whoever saves one life, saves the world entire.&quot;
**Quoted Qurʼan Chapter (5) sūrat l-māidah (The Table spread with Food) ''Because of that, We decreed upon the Children of Israel that whoever kills a soul unless for a soul or for corruption [done] in the land – it is as if he had slain mankind entirely. And whoever saves one – it is as if he had saved mankind entirely''.
** Parma Italy, mid-13th century codex; as cited in [https://mosaicmagazine.com/observation/2016/10/the-origins-of-the-precept-whoever-saves-a-life-saves-the-world/ &quot;The Origins of the Precept &quot;Whoever Saves a Life Saves the World&quot;&quot;], Philologos, ''Mosaic Magazine'', Oct, 21 2016.

* A man should endeavor to be as pliant as a reed, and never unyielding like the cedar.
** [[w:Ta'anit (Talmud)|Taanit]] 20b:33.

* The servant of a king is like a king.
** [https://www.sefaria.org/Shevuot.47b.6 Shevuot 47b.]

===Bava Metzia===
* Let every man divide his money into three parts, and invest a third in land, a third in business, and a third let him keep by him in reserve.
** [[w:Bava Metzia|Bava Metzia]] 42a.

* One may decline the request of a lesser person, but one may not decline the request of a great person.
** [https://www.sefaria.org/Bava_Metzia.87a.1 Bava Metzia 87a.]

===other Bavas===
* A legal decision depends not on the teacher's age, but on the force of his argument.
** {{w|Bava Batra}} 142b.

* If your friend calls you a donkey, prepare a saddle for your back.
** [https://www.sefaria.org/Bava_Kamma.92b.5 Bava Kamma 92b.]

===Shabat===
* Teach me the whole Torah while I stand on one foot.
** [[w:Shabbat (Talmud)|Shabat]] 30a
*What is hateful to thee, do not unto thy fellow; this is the whole law. All the rest is a commentary to this law; go and learn it.
** [[w:Shabbat (Talmud)|Shabat]] 30a.

*Even if all the seas would be ink, and the reeds that grow near swamps would be quills, and the heavens would be parchment upon which the words would be written, and all the people would be scribes, all of these would be insufficient to write the unquantifiable extent of governmental responsibility -- that is, all the considerations with which a government must concern itself and deal.
** [https://www.sefaria.org/Shabbat.11a.5?lang=en&amp;with=all&amp;lang2=en Shabbat 11a]

==Quotes about==
*[[Maimonides]], the great Jewish theologian and historian, who at one time was almost deified by his countrymen and afterward treated as a heretic, remarks, that the more absurd and void of sense the Talmud seems the more sublime is the secret meaning. This learned man has successfully demonstrated that the Chaldean Magic, the science of Moses and other learned thaumaturgists was wholly based on an extensive knowledge of the various and now forgotten branches of natural science. Thoroughly acquainted with all the resources of the vegetable, animal, and mineral kingdoms, experts in occult chemistry and physics, psychologists as well as physiologists, why wonder that the graduates or adepts instructed in the mysterious sanctuaries of the temples, could perform wonders, which even in our days of enlightenment would appear supernatural? It is an insult to human nature to brand magic and the occult science with the name of imposture. To believe that for so many thousands of years, one-half of mankind practiced deception and fraud on the other half, is equivalent to saying that the human race was composed only of knaves and incurable idiots. Where is the country in which magic was not practised? At what age was it wholly forgotten?  p. 19
**[[H. P. Blavatsky]] in ''Isis Unveiled: A Master-Key to the Mysteries of Ancient and Modern Science and Theology'' (1877)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{wiktionary}}
* Talmud texts
** [http://www.mechon-mamre.org/b/h/h0.htm Mishna] (Hebrew)
** [http://www.mechon-mamre.org/b/f/f0.htm Tosefta] (Hebrew)
** [http://www.mechon-mamre.org/b/r/r0.htm Talmud Yerushalmi] (Hebrew)
** [http://www.mechon-mamre.org/b/l/l0.htm Talmud Bavli] (Hebrew)
** [http://www.sacred-texts.com/jud/talmud.htm Rodkinson English translation] (1903, only Moed and Nashim).
** [http://www.e-daf.com Images of each page of the Babylonian Talmud] (English framework with Hebrew text images)

* Pertaining to the &quot;Daf Yomi&quot; program:
** [http://www.dafyomi.org/ a general resource for Daf Yomi]
** [http://www.shemayisrael.co.il/dafyomi2/calendars/calendar.htm calendar for this Daf Yomi cycle]

* General
** [http://www.acs.ucalgary.ca/~elsegal/TalmudPage.html &quot;A Page from the Babylonian Talmud&quot;] image map from Prof. Eliezer Segal
** [http://ohr.edu/judaism/survey/survey.htm A survey of rabbinic literature] on the Ohr Somayach website
**[http://www.shemayisrael.co.il/dafyomi2/today.htm point by point summary and discussion by ''daf'']

[[Category:Religious texts]]
[[Category:Judaism]]</text>
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    <title>ALF (TV series)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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      <parentid>2918610</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T21:11:19Z</timestamp>
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        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
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----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[ALF (season 1)|1]] [[ALF (season 2)|2]] [[ALF (season 3)|3]] [[ALF (season 4)|4]] | [[ALF (TV series)|Main]]
----

'''''[[w:ALF (TV series)|ALF]]''''' was an American sitcom that aired on NBC. The title character is Gordon Shumway, a sarcastic, friendly extraterrestrial nicknamed ALF (an acronym for Alien Life Form), who crash-lands in the garage of the suburban middle-class Tanner family.

== Seasons ==
::[[ALF (season 1)|Season 1]]
::[[ALF (season 2)|Season 2]]
::[[ALF (season 3)|Season 3]]
::[[ALF (season 4)|Season 4]]

== Film ==
{{Main|Project ALF}}

== Cast ==
* [[w:Paul Fusco|Paul Fusco]] – ALF (puppeteer, voice)
** Lisa Buckley – ALF (assistant puppeteer)
** Bob Fappiano – ALF (assistant puppeteer)
* [[w:Max Wright|Max Wright]] – Willie Tanner
* [[w:Anne Schedeen|Anne Schedeen]] – Kate Tanner
* [[w:Andrea Elson|Andrea Elson]] – Lynn Tanner
* [[w:Benji Gregory|Benji Gregory]] – Brian Tanner

== External links ==
{{wikipedia|ALF (TV series)}}
* [http://www.alftv.com/ ALF TV | The Official Unofficial ALF Fan Site!]
* {{imdb title|0090390|&quot;ALF&quot;}}

[[Category:1980s American sitcoms]]
[[Category:1990s American sitcoms]]
[[Category:American comic science fiction TV shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:ALF]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD|ALF]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:NBC shows]]
[[Category:TV shows about alien visitations]]
[[Category:TV shows about extraterrestrial life]]
[[Category:TV shows about families]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>According to Jim</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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      <parentid>3145563</parentid>
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        <id>2108323</id>
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      <text bytes="15964" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:According to Jim|According to Jim]]''''' (2001&amp;ndash;2009) s an American TV [[w:sitcom|sitcom]] staring '''[[Jim Belushi]]''' in the title role as a suburban father of five children. It originally ran on ABC from October 3, 2001 to June 2, 2009.

==Season 1==
=== ''Pilot'' [1.01] === 
:'''Jim:''' Will you do something for me?
:'''Cheryl:''' Anything.
:'''Jim:''' All right! I got all day to think about it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cheryl:''' What are we gonna do about Ruby? I've been sitting outside her classroom for a week now.
:'''Jim:''' I don't know, but honey, we got to do something 'cause I can't keep taking the kids to work with me. I mean, Kyle is screaming and crying all day and the little one...
:'''Cheryl:''' Gracie.
:'''Jim:''' Right. She keeps answering the phone: 'Hello I have a [[w:Vagina|bagina]]. Sometimes she doesn't even say hello.

=== ''The Crush'' [1.06] === 
:'''Jim:''' Would you mind taking your toothbrush out of ''my'' bathroom.
:'''Dana:''' You didn't use it, did you?
:'''Jim:''' Not on my teeth.

=== ''Cheryl's Old Flame'' [1.07] === 

:'''Jim:''' Oh, honey, you smell so good. Did you have fries on the way home?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jim:''' Hey, Cheryl, you know I wanted to ask you: that smoked ham that we had last night, was it regular ham when we bought it?
:'''Cheryl:''' You know sweetie, I can quit smoking, but you'll always be an ass.
:'''Jim:''' Geez, do you smoke with that mouth?  

=== ''An According to Jiminy Christmas'' [1.10] === 
:'''Ruby:''' What's that on daddy's head.
:'''Cheryl:''' ''Hair.''
:'''Jim:''' Hey, I got hair. I just don't comb it forward any more.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cheryl:''' Hey, where are you going?
:'''Jim:''' I'm going to the kitchen. If I can't sleep or have sex, I'm gonna eat.

=== ''Model Behavior'' [1.12] === 
:'''Jim:''' Honey, I had no choice. You told me I couldn't do it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jim:''' Are you nervous?
:'''Ruby:''' No.
:'''Jim:''' Then why are your hands so cold?
:'''Ruby:''' You made me hold your Slurpee!

==Season 2==

=== ''The Importance of Being Jim'' [2.01] ===

=== ''Cars &amp; Chicks'' [2.02] ===

=== ''The Baby Monitor'' [2.03] === 

=== ''The Pizza Boy'' [2.04] === 
:'''Jim:''' I married her for her looks.
:'''Cheryl:''' I married him for his money.
:'''Jim:''' Hah! I win!

=== ''The Closet'' [2.05] ===

=== ''Punch the Ruby'' [2.06] === 
:'''Jim:''' Dana, would you tell your sister her ass is not big?
:'''Dana:''' But you ''are'' big, Jim.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cheryl:''' Remember when dad took us to see 'The Exorcist'? I still have trouble going to bed sometimes!
:'''Dana:''' Of course you do, you sleep with Jim!

=== ''The Bachelor'' [2.07] === 
:'''Dana:''' You guys are not gonna believe this.
:'''Jim:''' Not only am I not going to believe it, I won't care.

=== ''Father Disfigure'' [2.08] ===
:'''Jim:''' Where's the rulebook?&quot;
:'''Cheryl:''' What rulebook?&quot;
:'''Jim:''' You know. The religious one . . . the Bible.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jim:''' You know, I'm so used to calling you 'Beaky' that I never... What is your real name? First name?
:'''Reverend:''' Gaylord.

=== ''Thanksgiving Confidential'' [2.09] ===

=== ''The Christmas Party'' [2.10] ===
:'''Jim:''' Well you know what Cheryl? I'm having a cutlery sale: 50% off every knife in my back!

=== ''The Brother-in-Law'' [2.11] ===

=== ''Moral Dilemma'' [2.12] ===
:'''Jim:''' Here's a language everybody understands. ''[Pulls out a bill]''
:'''Dana:''' Is that a one dollar bill Jim?
:'''Jim:''' Yes. Dana, in their country this can clothe and feed an entire village for a year.

=== ''You Gotta Love Somebody'' [2.13] ===

=== ''You Gotta Love Somebody'' [2.14] ===

=== ''The Smell of Success'' [2.15] ===

=== ''Slumber Party'' [2.16] ===

=== ''The Ring'' [2.17] ===

=== ''Wonder Woman'' [2.18] ===

=== ''The Pass'' [2.19] ===

=== ''Dana Gets Fired'' [2.20] ===

=== ''Bo Diddley'' [2.21] ===

=== ''Deal with the Devlins'' [2.22] ===

=== ''The Helmet'' [2.23] ===

=== ''No Harm, No Foul'' [2.24] ===

=== ''About a Girl'' [2.25] ===
:'''Jim:''' I am in great shape.
:'''Cheryl:''' What shape is that, a circle?

=== ''Mom's Boyfriend'' [2.26] ===

=== ''Vegas, Baby (Part 1 of 2)'' [2.27] ===

=== ''Vegas, Baby (Part 2 of 2)'' [2.28] ===

==Season 3==
=== ''The Errand'' [3.01] ===
:'''Cheryl:'''  ''[about Jim]'' He's brilliant. He's pretending to be a moron to cover up being a jackass.

=== ''The Packer Ball'' [3.02] ===

=== ''We Have a Bingo'' [3.03] ===

=== ''Getting to Know You'' [3.04] ===

=== ''The Lemonade Stand'' [3.05] ===

=== ''ABCs and 123s'' [3.06] ===

=== ''Dana Dates Jim'' [3.07] ===

=== ''Scary Movie'' [3.08] ===

=== ''Imaginary Friend'' [3.09] ===

=== ''Paintball'' [3.10] ===

=== ''The Empty Gesture'' [3.11] ===

=== ''Rules of Engagement'' [3.12] ===

=== ''Secret Santa'' [3.13] ===

=== ''House for Sale'' [3.14] ===
:'''Jim:''' Everyone, circumcise your watches.

=== ''Dana Dates the Reverend'' [3.15] ===

=== ''The Best Man'' [3.16] ===

===  ''Cheryl Sings'' [3.17] ===
:'''Mindy:''' ''[speaking Japanese]'' ''Shinjuku eki-wa doko des-ka''. [Where is the train station?] Who can guess what that means?
:'''Dana:''' I'd like to kill myself.
:'''Mindy:''' Silly – no.
:'''Dana:''' No, I'd like to kill myself.

=== ''When You Wish to Be a Star (Part 1 of 2)'' [3.18] ===

=== ''When You Wish to Be a Star (Part 2 of 2)'' [3.19] ===
:'''Dana:''' Jim, I'm gonna kill you. Then I'm gonna get off this boat, go to Haiti, learn Voodoo, raise you from the dead, and kill you again!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy:''' I've been drinking my own spit. I drank my own spit!

=== ''No Crime, But Punishment'' [3.20] ===
:'''Jim:''' Cheryl, books are for idiots!

=== ''The Baby'' [3.21] ===
:'''Andy:''' Dana, I'm going to be a daddy! What's new with you, nothing, right?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jim:''' The amazing thing about these little babies is that they give you the chance to start over.

=== ''Who's the Boss?'' [3.22] ===
:'''Jim:''' ''[about World War II]'' Write this down. We win. They Lose. USA #1. 

=== ''The Truck'' [3.23] ===
:'''Jim:''' ''[to Cheryl]'' When I got home from work and you weren't in the kitchen, I feared the worst.
:'''Dana:''' What, that you'd have to make your own dinner?

=== ''The Toilet'' [3.24] ===
:'''Jim:''' The toilet comes with a lifetime guarantee! So we'll never have to worry about buying another toilet. And when I die, Kyle will inherit the throne. It'll be like [[Shakespeare]]!

=== ''Trashed'' [3.25] ===

=== ''The Marriage Bank'' [3.26] ===

=== ''Everyone Gets Dumped'' [3.27] ===

=== ''The Swimming Pool'' [3.28] ===

=== ''A Vast Difference'' [3.29] ===

==Season 4==
=== ''A Hole in One'' [4.01] ===

=== ''The Effort'' [4.02] ===

=== ''The Grill'' [4.03] ===

=== ''The Garage Door'' [4.04] ===
:'''Andy:''' Urine... You're in danger, you're in trouble...
:'''Jim:''' You're insane!

=== ''Dress to Kill Me'' [4.05] ===

:'''Jim''': All right. I was hoping you wouldn't come to this, but I'm gonna have to call the Halloween police. That's right, Kyle. What you do is illegal. But they're not gonna arrest you. No, they're gonna come and take daddy away. Is that what you want?
:'''Kyle''': I want to be Cinderella!
:'''Jim''': All right! ''(looks at Andy)'' That's it, I need a break. You want a beer?

=== ''Father-Daughter Dance'' [4.06] ===

=== ''Plot Twist'' [4.07] ===

=== ''The Hunters'' [4.08] ===

=== ''Poking the Bear'' [4.09] ===

=== ''Stalking Santa'' [4.10] ===

=== ''Sympathy from the Devlins'' [4.11] ===

=== ''The Nanny-Cam'' [4.12] ===

=== ''The Jealous Husband'' [4.13] ===

=== ''A Crying Shame'' [4.14] ===

=== ''Guess Who's Cooking Your Dinner?'' [4.15] ===

=== ''The Wedding Dress'' [4.16] ===

=== ''The Mustache'' [4.17] ===

=== ''Shall We Dance?'' [4.18] ===

=== ''Take My Wife, Please'' [4.19] ===

=== ''Spelling Bee'' [4.20] ===

=== ''Kentucky Fried Beltzman'' [4.21] ===

=== ''The Clock'' [4.22] ===

=== ''The Competition'' [4.23] ===

=== ''The Bachelorette Party'' [4.24] ===

=== ''Geronimo Jim'' [4.25] ===

=== ''The Scrapbook'' [4.26] ===

=== ''Wedding Bell Blues'' [4.27] ===

==Season 5==
=== ''Foul Ball'' [5.01] ===

=== ''The Tale of the Tape (Part 1 of 2)'' [5.02] ===

=== ''The Tale of the Tape (Part 2 of 2)'' [5.03] ===

=== ''Charity Begins at Hef's'' [5.04] ===

=== ''The Race'' [5.05] ===

=== ''Anec-Don'ts'' [5.06] ===

=== ''The Chick Whisperer'' [5.07] ===

=== ''James &amp; the Annoying Peach'' [5.08] ===

=== ''The Dream'' [5.09] ===

=== ''Lean on Me'' [5.10] ===

=== ''The Gift of Maggie'' [5.11] ===

=== ''Sex Ed Fred'' [5.12] ===

=== ''Renewing Vows'' [5.13] ===

=== ''The Stick'' [5.14] ===     

=== ''Mr. Right'' [5.15] === 
:'''Jim:''' Erik Estrada asked me directions and he gave me.. the guns!
:'''Cheryl:'''&quot;It was not Erik Estrada and it was the thumbs up sign!
:'''Jim:''' Guns!
:'''Cheryl:''' Thumbs up!
:'''Jim:''' GUNS!
:'''Cheryl:''' THUMBS UP!

=== ''Get Your Freak On'' [5.16] ===

=== ''The Grumpy Guy'' [5.17] ===

=== ''Polite Jim'' [5.18] ===

=== ''Daddy Dearest'' [5.19] ===

=== ''The Thin Green Line'' [5.20] === 

=== ''Jim's Best Friend'' [5.21] === 
:'''Jim:''' Cheryl, can Kyle swim?
:'''Cheryl:''' I don't care. Hey, were's Andy?  I thought you guys had that Indianapolis 500 thing?
:'''Jim:''' Yeah, we did, but then he remembered he had a doctor's appointment. You know what? He's been on this health kick ever since he had those chest pains. I don't get it.
:'''Cheryl:''' Hey, you know what? I'm going to do a few pages in our holiday scrap book later. Wanna help me?
:'''Jim:''' I'm bored Cheryl, not somebody else.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ryan:''' You had chest pains Andy. You know that's it, I'm taking your blood pressure.
:'''Andy:''' As long as you don't do it rectally!
:'''Ryan:''' Not if you were stuffed full of gold.

=== ''Belaboring the Point'' [5.22] === 

==Season 6==
=== ''The Punch'' [6.01] ===

=== ''The Flannelsexual'' [6.02] ===

=== ''Guinea [[w:Pygmalion|Pygmalion]]'' [6.03] ===
:''[Talking about the guinea pig Fluffy]''
:'''Veterinarian:''' Are you Fluffy's father.
:'''Jim:''' I'd like to think so, but he looks a lot like the mailman.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cheryl:''' How's Fluffy?
:'''Jim:''' Well, he needs surgery. It costs 2100 bucks.
:'''Cheryl:''' Oh my God. When's it scheduled for?
:'''Jim:''' Well, the same day that 2100 dollars falls from the sky.
:'''Cheryl:''' &quot;kay, honey I know it's a lot of money, but we're just gonna have to find some ways to make some cutbacks.
:'''Jim:''' You know what, you're absolutely right. First cutback: Fluffy the guinea pig!

=== ''Hoosier Daddy'' [6.04] ===

=== ''Good Grief'' [6.05] ===

=== ''All the Rage'' [6.06] ===

=== ''Cheryl Gone Wild'' [6.07] ===

=== ''Deliverance'' [6.08] ===
:'''Jim:''' ''[About looking after Dana while she's pregnant]'' Heroes aren't born...they're cornered.

=== ''Dino-Mite'' [6.09] ===

=== ''Separate Ways'' [6.10] ===

=== ''In Case of Jimergency'' [6.11] ===

=== ''Coach Jim'' [6.12] ===

=== ''The At-Bat'' [6.13] ===

=== ''What Lies Beneath'' [6.14] ===

=== ''The Grill II'' [6.15] ===

=== ''Devlin in Disguise'' [6.16] ===

=== ''Any Man of Mine'' [6.17] ===
:'''Jim:''' Maybe something that will make you less miserable ... like two tickets two ''[[w:Les Misérables|Les Misérables]]'' [pronounced ''less miserables''].&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jim:''' Cheryl, I don't think the gays have second base. Once you pick up the bat, it's a home run.

=== ''Jim's Birthday'' [6.18] ===

==Season 7==
=== ''Jim Almighty'' [7.01] ===
:'''Jim:''' When you go for beer, Gopherhoff?

=== ''The Hot Wife'' [7.02] ===
:'''Jim:''' You know what always helps me when I'm not feeling sexy? Some good old-fashioned sex.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cheryl:''' Are you crazy?
:'''Jim:''' Yes. You know that.
:'''Cheryl:''' Oh, honey. You know you're the only man for me. And you know when we're inside that bedroom, we are both only thinking about you.

=== ''Safety Last'' [7.03] ===

=== ''The Perfect Fight'' [7.04] ===

=== ''Cheryl Goes to Florida'' [7.05] ===

=== ''Ruby's First Date'' [7.06] ===

=== ''Period Peace'' [7.07] ===

=== ''The Rendezvous'' [7.08] ===

=== ''Goodwill Hunting'' [7.09] ===

=== ''All Dolled Up'' [7.10] ===
:'''Jim''' ''[To his pregnant wife, who's upset she missed her daughter's &quot;perfect&quot; party]'' It wasn't perfect, alright?  The doll place kicked us out, and we'll probably get sued!  Isn't that great!?

=== ''Pregnancy Brain'' [7.11] ===

=== ''The Gift Certificate'' [7.12] ===

=== ''I Drink Your Milkshake'' [7.13] ===

=== ''The Chaperone'' [7.14] ===

=== ''The Six-Week Curse'' [7.15] ===
:'''Jim:''' You know that wearing [[w:G.I. Joe|G.I. Joe]] underwear does not mean you're going commando.

=== ''The Cheater'' [7.16] ===
:'''Gracie:''' There's no way that ''this'' milk can stretch over ''three'' bowls of cereal.
:'''Jim:''' You know what? When your daddy was raised during the [[w:Great Depression|Great Depression]] . . . you know what we had to put in our cereal? Tears.
:'''Ruby:''' The Great Depression was in the 30s.
:'''Jim:''' Honey, we were so poor that we couldn't afford calendars.

=== ''No Bedrest for the Wicked'' [7.17] ===

=== ''The Devil Went Down to Oak Park'' [7.18] ===

==Season 8==
=== ''The Blankie'' [8.01] ===

=== ''The New Best Friend'' [8.02] ===

=== ''Jami McFame'' [8.03] ===

=== ''Andy's Proposal'' [8.04] ===

=== ''Two for the Money'' [8.05] ===

=== ''Cabin Boys'' [8.06] ===

=== ''The Ego Boost'' [8.07] ===

=== ''The Yoga Bear'' [8.08] ===

=== ''Kyle's Crush'' [8.09] ===

=== ''The Meaningful Gift'' [8.10] ===

=== ''The Daddy Way'' [8.11] ===
:'''Phil:''' I'm a little worried, Jim. I don't know how I'm going to explain all this extra I've won to my wife.
:'''Jim:''' That is the most pathetic sentence I have ever heard.
:'''Phil:''' I just think she's going to catch it. She gives me 40 bucks a week spending money.
:'''Jim:''' I stand corrected: that is the most pathetic sentence I have ever heard.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jim:''' Bill! Bill! Bill!
:'''Phil:''' My name's Phil.
:'''Jim:''' Who cares!

=== ''Physical Therapy'' [8.12] ===


=== ''The Cooler One'' [8.13] ===

=== ''Happy Jim'' [8.14] ===

=== ''King of the Nerds'' [8.15] ===

=== ''I Hate the High Road'' [8.16] ===

=== ''Diamonds Are a Ghoul's Best Friend'' [8.17] ===

=== ''Heaven Opposed to Hell'' [8.18] ===
:'''Dana:''' Cheryl, I think he's choking.
:'''Andy:''' Oh my god, Jim! Jim, are you OK!
:'''Dana, Ryan, Cheryl, Andy, Ruby, Gracie and Kyle:''' Jim! Jim! Jim!

== Unknown Episodes ==
:'''Jim:''' Unless I hit a home run, score a touchdown, or I ask you to, that is not okay!

== Cast ==
* [[Jim Belushi]]&amp;nbsp;– Jim Orenthal
* [[w:Courtney Thorne-Smith|Courtney Thorne-Smith]]&amp;nbsp;– Cheryl Orenthal, Jim's wife
* [[w:Kimberly Williams-Paisley|Kimberly Williams-Paisley]]&amp;nbsp;– Dana Gibson, Cheryl's sister (Seasons 1–7, guest season 8)
* [[w:Larry Joe Campbell|Larry Joe Campbell]]&amp;nbsp;– Andy Turner, Cheryl's brother
* [[w:Taylor Atelian|Taylor Atelian]]&amp;nbsp;– Ruby Orenthal, Jim &amp; Cheryl's daughter
* [[w:Billi Bruno|Billi Bruno]]&amp;nbsp;– Gracie Orenthal, Jim &amp; Cheryl's daughter
* [[w:Conner Rayburn|Conner Rayburn]]&amp;nbsp;– Kyle Orenthal, Jim &amp; Cheryl's son (Guest seasons 1–3, Main seasons 4–8)
;Co-starring
* [[w:Mitch Rouse|Mitch Rouse]]&amp;nbsp;– Ryan Gibson, Dana's husband (Seasons 4–6, guest season 8)
* [[w:Mo Collins|Mo Collins]]&amp;nbsp;– Emily (Seasons 7–8)
* Jackie Debatin&amp;nbsp;– Mandy (Season 8)

== The Orenthal Family ==
* Jim
* Cheryl (wife)
* Ruby (daughter)
* Gracie (daughter)
* Kyle (son)
* Jonathan: Gordon's twin brother (son)
* Gordon: Jonathan's twin brother (son)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0285351|title=According to Jim}}

[[Category:2000s American sitcoms]]
[[Category:ABC shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:TV shows about families]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Dawson's Creek</title>
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        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
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----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Dawson's Creek (season 1)|1]] [[Dawson's Creek (season 2)|2]] [[Dawson's Creek (season 3)|3]] [[Dawson's Creek (season 4)|4]] [[Dawson's Creek (season 5)|5]] [[Dawson's Creek (season 6)|6]] | [[Dawson's Creek|Main]]
----

'''''[[w:Dawson's Creek|Dawson's Creek]]''''' (1998–2003) is an American teen drama television series, that aired on [[w:The WB|The WB]], about four friends in a small coastal town that help each other cope with adolescence and beyond.

==Seasons==
::[[Dawson's Creek (season 1)|Season 1]]
::[[Dawson's Creek (season 2)|Season 2]]
::[[Dawson's Creek (season 3)|Season 3]]
::[[Dawson's Creek (season 4)|Season 4]]
::[[Dawson's Creek (season 5)|Season 5]]
::[[Dawson's Creek (season 6)|Season 6]]

==Cast==
* [[James Van Der Beek]] - [[w:Dawson Leery|Dawson Leery]]
* [[w:Katie Holmes|Katie Holmes]] - [[w:Joey Potter|Josephine 'Joey' Potter]]
* [[w:Michelle Williams|Michelle Williams]] - [[w:Jen Lindley|Jennifer 'Jen' Lindley]]
* [[Joshua Jackson]] - [[w:Pacey Witter|Pacey Witter]]
* [[w:Mary Beth Peil|Mary Beth Peil]] - Evelyn 'Grams' Ryan
* [[w:Mary-Margaret Humes|Mary-Margaret Humes]] - [[w:Gail Leery|Gail Leery]]
* [[w:John Wesley Shipp|John Wesley Shipp]] - Mitch Leery (1998-2001)
* [[w:Nina Repeta|Nina Repeta]] - Bessie Potter
* [[w:Kerr Smith|Kerr Smith]] - Jack McPhee (1998-2003)
* [[w:Meredith Monroe|Meredith Monroe]] - Andrea 'Andie' McPhee (1998-2000)
* [[w:Busy Philipps|Busy Philipps]] - Audrey Liddell (2001-2003)
* [[w:Dylan Neal|Dylan Neal]] - [[w:Doug Witter|Doug Witter]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0118300|title=Dawson's Creek}}

[[Category:1990s American high school TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American high school TV shows]]
[[Category:1990s American teen drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American teen drama TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Dawson's Creek]]
[[Category:Romantic drama TV shows]]
[[Category:WB shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:TV shows about teenagers]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Sports Night</title>
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'''''[[w:Sports Night|Sports Night]]''''' (1998&amp;ndash;2000) was an American television series, written and created by [[Aaron Sorkin]], about a fictional sports news show.

== Season 1 ==
=== ''Pilot'' [1.01] ===

:'''J.J.''': I’m concerned with Casey’s performance on the air lately.
:'''Dan''': What's your point?
:'''J.J.''': My point is, at the moment, Casey has less on-air charm and charisma than my high school driving instructor, and you know it, Dan. Now I think the time has come for you to think about the possibility of another partner.
:'''Dan''': I'm not going to do the show with your high school driving instructor, J.J., if that’s what you’re asking me.
:'''J.J.''': Look, Dan, you've got a bright future at this network, and—
:'''Dan''': My future is writing and anchoring a sports program, with my partner, Casey McCall. Now, if it's here, it's here. If it's not, it's someplace else. For right now, I'm gonna forget this conversation ever took place. Dana, Isaac, you guys need anything?
:'''Dana''': No Dan, you're done here, thanks.
:'''Isaac''': I really got to admire the way you manhandled my staff this morning, J.J.
:'''J.J.''': Look...
:'''Isaac''': No! Don't take '''me''' on.
:'''J.J.''': The network's not going to wait forever.
:'''Isaac''': It's your call Dana, but pretty soon it's going to be my call. Cause here's the thing: I can't let it be '''their''' call.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Casey''': You wanna do something tonight after the show? 
:'''Dan''': Yeah, y'know, I was gonna hop a ride on the Staten Island Ferry for awhile, eat a hotdog. You wanna come? 
:'''Casey''': Yeah, absolutely, and I'll tell you why. Cause it's seventeen degrees outside with the wind chill so what I want to do is stand on a boat in the middle of New York harbor at half-past midnight. 
:'''Dan''': You have a better idea? 
:'''Casey''': Well, we could go to a bar, find some people we don't like and beat the crap out of them.

=== ''The Apology'' [1.02] ===

:'''Dana''': Hey, look everybody.  It's two sports anchors, and that's a good break for us, because we're about to do a sports show.
:'''Casey''': Sarcasm, thy name is Dana.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dan''': I have a younger brother named Sam. Sam's a genius. I mean, literally. As a kid, he tested off the charts. The first computer I ever had, he built from a kit he bought with money he earned tutoring other kids in math. He's energetic and articulate, curious and funny. A great source of pride to our parents. And there's no doubt that he'd be living a great life right now, except for that he's dead. Because when you're fourteen years old, all you ever really wanna be when you grow up is your sixteen-year-old brother. And in my case, that meant smoking a lot of dope. The day I went off to college was the day that Sam got his driver's license. And he celebrated by taking a drive with some of his friends. Drunk and high as a paper kite. He never saw the red light that he ran. And he probably never saw the eighteen-wheel truck that put him into the side of a brick bank, either. That was eleven years ago tonight. And I just wanted to say I'm sorry, Sam. You deserved better in my hands. And I apologize.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Casey''': You should try making it shorter.
:'''Jeremy''': What's the key?
:'''Casey''': In this case?
:'''Jeremy''': Yeah.
:'''Casey''': Making it a lot shorter.
:'''Jeremy''': I can't imagine what i'd cut.
:'''Casey''': Well, you start off with Cedric, the leadoff batter, at the top of the first inning, despite the fact that nobody scored until the 5th inning.
:'''Jeremy''': There's action beyond scoring.
:'''Casey''': Yeah, but Cedric grounded out to the short stop and was thrown out at first by quite a large margin.
:'''Jeremy''': Yeah.
:'''Casey''': Well, that is what is called a routine ground ball. In your search for things that are newsworthy, let the word 'routine' serve as a danger sign.

===''The Hungry and the Hunted'' [1.03]===

:'''Isaac''': It's taken me a lot of years, but I've come around to this: If you're dumb, surround yourself with smart people. And if you're smart, surround yourself with smart people who disagree with you. I'm an awfully smart man, and Mike Sabath is an idiot. He had you, and he blew it. You're gonna do great here, but you've gotta trust us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jeremy''': We shot a deer. In the woods near Lake Mattatuck on the second day. There was a special vest they had me wear so that they could distinguish me from things they wanted to shoot, and I was pretty grateful for that. Almost the whole day had gone by, and we hadn't gotten anything. Eddie was getting frustrated and Bob Shoemaker was getting embarrassed. My camera guy needed to re-load so I told everybody to take a ten minute break. There was a stream nearby and I walked over with this care-package Natalie made me. I sat down and when I looked up I saw three of them; small, bigger, biggest. Recognizable to any species on the face of the planet as a child, a mother and a father. Now, the trick in shooting deer is you gotta get 'em out in the open. And it's tough with deer, 'cause these are clever, cagey animals with an intuitive sense of danger. You know what you have to do to get a deer out in the open? You hold out a twinkie. That animal clopped up to me like we were at a party. She seemed to be pretty interested in the twinkie, so I gave it to her. Looking back, she'd have been better off if I'd given her the damn vest. And Bob kind of screamed at me in whisper, &quot;Move away!&quot; The camera had been re-loaded and it looked like the day wasn't gonna be a washout after all. So I backed away, a couple of steps at a time, and I closed my eyes when I heard the shot. Look, I know these are animals, and they don't play bridge and go to the prom, but you can't tell me that the little one didn't know who his mother was. That's gotta mean something. And later, at the hospital, Bob Shoemaker was telling me about the nobility and tradition of hunting and how it related to the native American Indians. And I nodded and I said that was interesting while I was thinking about what a load of crap it was. Hunting was part of Indian culture. It was food and it was clothes and it was shelter. They sang and danced and offered prayers to the gods for a successful hunt so that they could survive just one more unimaginably brutal winter. The things they had to kill held the highest place of respect for them, and to kill for fun was a sin. And they knew the gods wouldn't be so generous next time. What we did wasn't food and it wasn't shelter and it sure wasn't sports! It was just mean!

===''Intellectual Property'' [1.04]===

:'''Mallory''': Listen, I think it's sweet that you and your partner sing to each other on television. Others may think it’s vaguely gay, but I disagree.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dana''': You have good ideas a lot. I find myself saying, &quot;Natalie's got a good idea.&quot;
:'''Natalie''': But you also find yourself saying, &quot;Natalie, if you screw that up again I'll set you on fire.&quot;
:'''Dana''': When was the last time you had a good idea?
:'''Natalie''': This morning, I decided not to stick my hand in the blender.
:'''Dana''': That's what I'm talking about.

===''Mary Pat Shelby'' [1.05]===

:'''Dana''': How much do you love me?
:'''Dan''': I want to grow a goatee.
:'''Dana''': Very, very bad idea. How much do you love me?
:'''Dan''': I think it would look good.
:'''Dana''': I think you would look like Colonel Sanders. How much do you love me?
:'''Dan''': A little less than I did before the Colonel Sanders thing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bill''': This is a third place show on a fourth rate network.
:'''Dan''': Yeah, but that's all gonna change once I grow a goatee.
:'''Casey''': He's just crazy enough to do it.

===''The Head Coach, Dinner and the Morning Mail'' [1.06]===

:'''Jeremy''': This is professional television. Surely there's some kind of strict procedure that's followed when something like this happens.
:'''Dana''': Absolutely.
:'''Jeremy''': What is it?
:'''Dana''': Well first, everyone stand up and see if you're sitting on it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Casey''': I am a commentator, I am a pundit, I am doing my job.
:'''Dan''': You're a pundit?
:'''Casey''': I am.
:'''Dan''': Well, your parents must be very proud.
:'''Casey''': They are.

===''Dear Louise'' [1.07]===

:'''Elliot''': How's the writer's block?
:'''Dan''': You're gonna need to get someone to fix my computer.
:'''Kim''': What's wrong with it?
:'''Dan''': It's in several pieces on my floor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dan''': If you wear something blue you get two dollars off a giant blue margarita.
:'''Casey''': You know I make a pretty good living. I can actually afford to wear what I want and pay full price.
:'''Dan''': I'm not promoting the economic upside as much as I am the opportunity to drink something giant and blue.

===''Thespis'' [1.08]===

:'''Isaac''': So you say a few words. You make a gesture. You remember an important date. A small price to pay for what you get in return. For what you get in return, it's a steal.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dana''': I've named this Thanksgiving. I'm calling it &quot;The Thanksgiving of Mom's Disapproval.&quot; Included on the two-record set are the hit songs &quot;Why Aren't You Married?&quot; and &quot;Sports Is No Place For An Educated Woman,&quot; and &quot;Didn't Anyone Ever Tell You How To Cook a Turkey?&quot;

===''The Quality of Mercy at 29K'' [1.09]===

:'''Dan''': A couple of months ago I wrote a check to someone. Now I'm in the middle of Dickensian London.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Natalie''': Two guys have ascended five miles into the sky. They walked up a wall of ice, and are preparing to knock on the door of Heaven itself. There's really no end to what we can do. You know what the trick is? 
:'''Dan''': What? 
:'''Natalie''': Get in the game.

===''Shoe Money Tonight'' [1.10]===

:'''Jeremy''': Look at me. I'm not lying to you. I have a straight.
:'''Natalie''': How do you know I don't have a big house?
:'''Jeremy''': A FULL house. Dan already folded the six you needed, and I have the other one. You don't have a house of any sort, you don't have a pup tent. You've got trip sevens, and I have a straight. I want you to trust me right now. I want you to say to yourself, yeah, I've dated a string of jerks in my life, they were stupid, they were mean to me, but maybe this one's different. Maybe I should take a chance and not adopt the break-up-with-him-before-he-breaks-my-heart strategy. I want you to remember that when I started liking you, I didn't stop liking tennis. And I want you to know that I don't think there's a woman in the world that you need to be threatened by, no matter how glamorous you think she is. But mostly, I want you to trust me, just once, when I tell you you have three sevens, and I have a straight.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sally''': Anyway, I really appreciate the two of you sticking around and filling in.
:'''Casey''': It's no problem.
:'''Sally''': Oh, please, you think I wanna be stuck doing the two a.m.? This is just a temp gig.
:'''Casey''': Temp gig?
:'''Dan''': Temporary gig.
:'''Casey''': Thanks. 
:'''Sally''': My stuff's out there. I talk to a lot of people.
:'''Dan''': Just as long as none of them are talkin' back.
:'''Sally''': CNBC, MSNBC&amp;mdash;
:'''Dan''': M-O-U-S-E...
:'''Casey''': Danny&amp;mdash;
:'''Dan''': Oh, like she's listening to anybody but herself.

===''The Six Southern Gentlemen of Tennessee'' [1.11]===

:'''Isaac''': Danny, I need to talk to you.
:'''Dan''': Good, 'cause I need to talk to you too. Who should go first?
:'''Isaac''': Since I don't really care what you have to say, I think it should be me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Isaac''': Exaudio, comperio, conloquor. That's a Latin phrase that translates &quot;To listen, to learn, to speak.&quot; Those words are carved into the stone arches that form the entrance to the undergraduate library at Tennessee Western University.  This afternoon, an extraordinary young man named Roland Shepard made what had to have been an excruciating decision. He said he wasn't playing football under a Confederate flag. Six of his teammates then chose not to let Shepard stand alone. And I choose to join them at this moment. In the history of the South, there's much to celebrate. And that flag is a desecration of all of it. It's a banner of hatred and separation. It's a banner of ignorance and violence and a war that pitted brother against brother, and to ask young black men and women, young Jewish men and women, Asians, Native Americans, to ask ''Americans'' to walk beneath its shadow is a humiliation of irreducible proportions. And we all know it. Tennessee Western has produced some outstanding alumni in the past hundred years. People of wisdom and vision. Strength and compassion. One of them is Luther Sachs. Luther Sachs owns Continental Corp. Which owns the Continental Sports Channel, which you're watching right now. Luther Sachs is a generous alumni contributor to Tennessee Western, with a considerable influence over its chancellor, Davis Blake, and its board of trustees. Luther, you've got a phone call to make. You've go to call Chancellor Blake, and tell him to take down that flag, or he can stop looking for your checks in the mail. You've got to put these young men back in a classroom. And I mean pronto. These boys are gonna make you proud one day, Luther. I challenge you to do the right thing. Not an unreasonable request to make of a man whose alma mater declares, &quot;Exaudio, comperio, conloquor.&quot; &quot;To listen, to learn, to speak.&quot; In the meantime, God go with you, Roland Shepard, and you six Southern gentlemen of Tennessee. God's not done with any of you, yet.

===''Smoky'' [1.12]===

:'''Sally''': As we speak, one of your LC-Wire frames is misprocessing data while two of your associate producers stand over the monitor attempting to have phone sex.
:'''Isaac''': Please don't tell me which two.
:'''Sally''': Just think about it.
:'''Isaac''': All right, my guess is, it's Jeremy and Natalie.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Isaac''': May I add, Dana, that things I say in my office ''stay'' in my office. 
:'''Dana''': Natalie's my second-in-command, she's the only one I told. 
:'''Natalie''': Jeremy's my boyfriend, he's the only one I told. 
:'''Jeremy''': I told many, many people.

===''Small Town'' [1.13]===

:'''Dana''': You think at a certain point during the evening you'll say something wonderful to me and I'll melt and that'll teach me for going out with Gordon instead of you.
:'''Casey''': I'll settle for you spilling something on yourself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Natalie''': You want to leave the room?
:'''Jeremy''': No!
:'''Natalie''': Then allow for the possibility that from time to time other people might be at least as smart as you are.

===''Rebecca'' [1.14]===

:'''Dan''': So, I'm gonna try telling you this story one more time.
:'''Casey''': Can I just make a suggestion?
:'''Dan''': Sure.
:'''Casey''': What if, instead of you telling me this story again right this second, you never tell me this story ever?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dana''': Wow.
:'''Casey''': Wow what?
:'''Dana''': Those cars are going fast.
:'''Casey''': Yeah, they're going as fast as they can because the first one across the finish line gets a trophy and a check.
:'''Dana''': Like a race?
:'''Casey''': Right.

===''Dana and the Deep Blue Sea'' [1.15]===

:'''Casey''': &quot;A neighborhood park all covered with cheese&quot;?
:'''Dan''': I said cheese?
:'''Casey''': You said cheese.
:'''Dan''': Dana, did I say &quot;park all covered with cheese&quot;?
:'''Dana''': There's a consensus, yes.
:'''Dan''': What are you lookin' at?
:'''Casey''': I'm here for you, man.
:'''Dan''': Let me fix it when we come back.
:'''Dana''': Fix it when we get back.
:'''Casey''': Are we sure it's wrong? Are we sure the park ''isn't'' all covered with cheese?
:'''Dan''': It's covered with trees; now shut up.
:'''Casey''': I was just about to change my mind and recommend you.
:'''Dan''': Really?
:'''Casey''': No.
:'''Dan''': Dana, Casey's being mean to me.
:'''Dana''': Casey, be nice to Dan.
:'''Casey''': &quot;Sophomore sensation credits her agility and quick first steps to her father, who used to take her to a neighborhood park all covered with cheese.&quot; Dana, we got all kinds of sentence construction here. I think he's gonna have to explain that it's the park that's covered with cheese and not the father.
:'''Dan''': This is an unforgiving room.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Casey''': I gather it went well.
:'''Dan''': You know sometimes it's worth it, taking all the pies in the face. Sometimes you come through it feeling good.
:'''Casey''': Yes.
:'''Dan''': And how was your day?
:'''Casey''': Sometimes you just stand there, hip deep in pie.

===''Sally'' [1.16]===

:'''Dan''': You're nineteen feet tall. Why are you wearing heels?
:'''Sally''': Are you feeling diminutive?
:'''Dan''': No, but now I have to go look up that word.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jeremy''': Number two, I'm Jewish. And her family is, you know, incredibly not. Which isn't by the way any sort of a problem for me but I do think it might be a problem for them. Because after all there are those who think I killed their Lord Jesus Christ. Not me directly, mind you. I didn't drive the getaway car or anything.

===''How are Things in Glocca Morra?'' [1.17]===

:'''Dan''': Casey.
:'''Casey''': I'll tell you what the problem is here. 
:'''Dan''': No provolone cheese? 
:'''Casey''': No provolone.
:'''Dan''': You're saying you don't want to talk about it. 
:'''Casey''': I'm saying I'd like, just once, for there to be provolone. 
:'''Dan''': Is this one of those times when you say you don't want to talk about it, but you really do? 
:'''Casey''': No, but it's shaping up to be one of those times when I say I don't want to talk about it but we end up talking about it anyway.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dan''': Hey Sally, you must've slept with this guy Fedrigotti. How long you think he can keep at this?
:'''Sally''': I was just thinking, it's been such a long time since Dan said something charming to me, and then there it was. 

===''The Sword of Orion'' [1.18]===

:'''Dan''': Did Orlando Rojas pitch this afternoon?
:'''Casey''': I do not know.
:'''Dan''': You don't know?
:'''Casey''': I do not.
:'''Dan''': Natalie, did Orlando Rojas pitch this afternoon?
:'''Natalie''': That's a good question.
:'''Dan''': Thank you very much. Did he pitch this afternoon?
:'''Natalie''': I do not know.
:'''Dan''': Thank God none of us works in sports.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dan''': You know what pumps me up?
:'''Casey''': I know you like grape jelly.

===''Eli's Coming'' [1.19]===

:'''Dana:''': Listen, Isaac's gonna want to show us pictures from his vacation, so I'm gonna get a &quot;welcome back&quot; cake and we'll have a little party in his office tomorrow. 
:'''Casey''': What kind of cake? 
:'''Dana''': What kind of cake? 
:'''Casey''': Yes. 
:'''Dana''': I don't know, Casey, why do you ask? 
:'''Casey''': I'm particular about cake. And I have to say, it's been my experience that men buy better cake than women. I've found that women tend to get these yogurt-frosted low-cal things laced with a rum and fruit concoction that make eating cake into something you do to be polite. So that's why I was asking what kind of cake you were planning on getting to celebrate Isaac returning from vacation. 
:'''Dana''': Wow.  I didn't know you felt so strongly about it. But now that I do, I guess the answer is &quot;whatever cake I damn please.&quot;
:'''Casey''': Excellent.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dana''': You're damn right there's an economy of language. I got the job done in two words. And I think... I can make another cut! Yes. We don't need &quot;back&quot;! We can cut the &quot;back&quot;.
:'''Jeremy''': Cut the &quot;back&quot;?
:'''Dana''': Yes.
:'''Jeremy''': And have it just say &quot;Welcome&quot;?
:'''Dana''': Yes.
:'''Casey''': &quot;Welcome&quot;?
:'''Dana''': Do you have a problem with that?
:'''Jeremy''': He'll think he just cleared Customs.

===''Ordnance Tactics'' [1.20]===

:'''Casey''': Is there anyone who can say anything that will make us feel like the smart thing to do is to stay in this building right now? 
:'''Dana''': In ten minutes, three and a half million people will tune in to watch the two of you on television. Many of them will be women.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dan''': Well, if you've got some calm people and you want to make them upset, I say we're the guys to do it! 

===''Ten Wickets'' [1.21]===

:'''Dana''': There are three things that I'm doing. I'm losing things, I'm forgetting things... and there's the third one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jeremy''': There ''are'' countries other than ours.
:'''Dana''': Yes, there is, for instance, Belgium, to name but one.

===''Napoleon's Battle Plan'' [1.22]===

:'''Dan''': Alyson, as you can see, Casey and I aren't wearing any pants, so I think in the interest of office professionalism you should avert your eyes.
:'''Alyson''': Okay.
:'''Dan''': Either that or take off your pants.
:'''Alyson''': I'll avert my eyes.
:'''Casey''': Suit yourself, but you should know I play squash three times a week and my calves have been called shapely.
:'''Dan''': Casey?
:'''Casey''': Yeah?
:'''Dan''': Who's been calling your calves shapely?
:'''Casey''': My mom.
:'''Dan''': Okay.  Don't talk to me for the rest of the show.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Dan''': Why is it wrong to tell her, huh?
:'''Casey''': Doesn't seem very manly, does it?
:'''Dan''': ''[sulkily]'' Do it in a deep voice.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Casey''': I have a plan.
:'''Dan''': What's the plan?
:'''Casey''': It's Napoleon's plan.
:'''Dan''': Who's Napoleon?
:'''Casey''': Nineteenth century French Emperor?
:'''Dan''': Cracking wise with me now?
:'''Casey''': Yess.
:'''Dan''': Thanks.
:'''Casey''': He had a two-part plan.
:'''Dan''': What was it?
:'''Casey''': First we show up, then we see what happens.

===''What Kind of Day Has it Been'' [1.23]===

:'''Casey''': Try not to traumatize the new nanny.
:'''Dan''': Why would I traumatize the new nanny?
:'''Casey''': I don't know, but you always do.
:'''Dan''': I like nannies.
:'''Casey''': I know.
:'''Dan''': I'm thinking of getting one for myself.
:'''Casey''': Good.
:'''Dan''': 'Course, she'd probably end up going back to her ex-husband.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jeremy''': Dana, do you have the first idea how to operate any of this equipment?
:'''Dana''': This is called an owner's manual, my friend, and I've read it cover to cover.
:'''Jeremy''': I've read ''Doctor Zhivago'' cover to cover. It doesn't make me the czar.

==Season 2==
===''Special Powers'' [2.01]===

:'''Dan:''' Isaac, you can't work full-time.
:'''Isaac:''' I have to.
:'''Dan:''' Why?
:'''Isaac:''' Because they pay me to.
:'''Dan:''' You had a stroke.
:'''Isaac:''' Is that what that was?
:'''Dan:''' Yes!
:'''Isaac:''' I thought it was bad swordfish!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' I deem that the fight is officially over.
:'''Natalie:''' Excellent. I deem I'm coming to bed in your tuxedo shirt, high heels and nothing else.
:'''Jeremy:''' Excellent.
:'''Natalie:''' Tell '''me''' women don't have special powers!

===''When Something Wicked This Way Comes'' [2.02]===
:'''Dan:''' Hillary Clinton thinks I'm an idiot!
:'''Casey:''' Either that or a religious bigot.
:'''Dan:''' I went to an Ivy League school, Casey.
:'''Casey:''' Proud day for Dartmouth, Dan.
:'''Dan:''' I made an idiot out of myself in front of Hillary Clinton!
:'''Casey:''' Yeah, but at least you had to spend a thousand bucks to do it.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Casey:''' I'm known in some parts for my first date. In certain parts I have a rep. There's such a thing as street cred, Dan.
:'''Dan:''' Listen to this.
:'''Casey:''' Tell them about my street cred.
:'''Dan:''' Haha, seriously.
:'''Casey:''' Tell them about my rep.
:'''Dan:''' You don't have a rep, you don't have street cred. Your last date was 14 years ago and you ended up with marriage and a divorce.
:'''Casey:''' In some parts.
:'''Dan:''' There are no parts.

===''Cliff Gardner'' [2.03]===
:'''Dan:''' I have gifts for you.
:'''Dana:''' That wasn't necessary.
:'''Dan:''' I think it was. You once took a trip to Napa and you visited a small vineyard there. You told me you tried some wine that you loved and could never find it anywhere. I thought I remembered the name but I wasn't sure. Is this it?
:'''Dana:''' ''[surprised]'' Yes.
:'''Dan:''' Good! I always like wine with cheese.
:'''Dana:''' I know.
:'''Dan:''' I wanted to get you some cheese. There's a great cheese place over on Second Avenue. I went over there after I got the wine but it's gone... there's a hardware store there now.
:'''Dana:''' That's okay.
:'''Dan:''' I got you some spackle.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Isaac:''' Just because we didn't execute all the network's suggestions doesn't mean we weren't listening, it just means we didn't agree. You didn't expect me to substitute your judgment for mine, did you, J.J.?
:'''J.J.''' Not then, no.
:'''Isaac:''' But now?
:'''J.J.''' Yes.
:'''Isaac:''' Will it keep my staff from losing their jobs?
:'''J.J.''' Excuse me?
:'''Isaac:''' If I allow you three to go in there and mess with my show, will it keep my staff from losing their jobs?
:'''J.J.''' I can't make promises.
:'''Isaac:''' J.J.?
:'''J.J.''' Yes?
:'''Isaac:''' I've never liked you.
:'''J.J.''' I know.
:'''Isaac:''' ''[knocks on desk]'' We're done.

===''Louise Revisited'' [2.04]===
:'''Sam:''' I've noticed you people have an ability to chatter at someone with energy and enthusiasm regardless of whether they seem interested or not.
:'''Dan:''' And that's not just on camera.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Natalie:''' Hello.
:'''Jeremy:''' Aaah!
:'''Natalie:''' Did I scare you?
:'''Jeremy:''' No.
:'''Natalie:''' Why did you yell?
:'''Jeremy:''' I meant to say &quot;hi.&quot;
:'''Natalie:''' What happened?
:'''Jeremy:''' I misspoke?

===''Kafelnikov'' [2.05]===
:'''Dana:''' There's no question that there's a way to look at this where it's my fault.
:'''Jeremy:''' What's another way to look at it?
:'''Dana:''' There's no other way to look at it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dan:''' Good evening from New York City. I'm Dan Rydell alongside Casey McCall. Those stories plus Luciano Pavarotti shocks the track world by running the 100 meters in six seconds, my mother hits for the cycle, and Martina Hingis sings selections from ''No, No, Nanette''.
:'''Casey:''' You're watching Sports Night on CSC.
:. . .
:'''Casey:''' Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute, was 26 for 32 in passing...

===''Shane'' [2.06]===
:'''Isaac:''' How do you think Dana would feel about it?
:'''Casey:''' Dana?
:'''Isaac:''' Yeah.
:'''Casey:''' Ah, who knows with Dana. One day she's up, another day she's down. That's girl's nuttier than a squirrel's cheeks in October. The point is... she's standing right behind me, right?
:'''Dana:''' I cannot believe you.
:'''Casey:''' Wait.
:'''Dana:''' You went over my head.
:'''Casey:''' I can explain this.
:'''Dana:''' How?
:'''Casey:''' I went over your head.
:'''Dana:''' Casey!
:'''Casey:''' Hey, I'm just trying to be courteous, okay? I didn't want to interrupt your dancing.
:'''Dana''': And you just sat there?
:'''Isaac:''' It's my desk!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Abby:''' Danny, of all the psychological problems you have, and they are myriad, not being able to pronounce Yevgeny Kafelnikov isn't one of them.
:'''Dan:''' Then why can't I pronounce it?
:'''Abby:''' Because it's a hard name to pronounce.

===''Kyle Whitaker's Got Two Sacks'' [2.07]===

:'''Dana:''' Stand there. I'm gonna sack you.
:'''Jeremy:''' Okay, I need just another moment of your time, then you can go back to being crazy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dana''': My brother can beat up your brother.
:'''Natalie:''' My brother's a grad student in comparative literature. My mother could beat up my brother.

===''The Reunion'' [2.08]===

:'''Natalie:''' I love you, Danny. You're the best.
:'''Casey:''' Hang on.
:'''Natalie:''' What?
:'''Casey:''' I thought I was the best.
:'''Natalie:''' Things change.

===''A Girl Named Pixley'' [2.09]===
:'''Dan:''' Honesty for Pixley!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dana:''' Any new word?
:'''Dan:''' He's still alive if that's what you're asking.
:'''Dana:''' Oh, man.
:'''Natalie:''' Dana!
:'''Dana:''' Hey, you think there's any chance he was gay?
:'''Natalie:''' Dana!
:'''Dana:''' It would make a better story.
:'''Natalie:''' He's on his death bed.
:'''Dana:''' I am about to make this man the most famous 7th place archer in the history of sports. I think the very least he can do is die in a timely manner... and be gay.

===''&quot;The Giants Win the Pennant, The Giants Win the Pennant&quot;'' [2.10]===
:'''Dana:''' &quot;Momentarily&quot; does not mean &quot;in a moment.&quot;
:'''Chris:''' Here's two dissolving to three.
:'''Dana:''' It means &quot;for a moment.&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' Yes.
:'''Dana:''' That makes me crazy.
:'''Jeremy:''' We've been wondering what the source was.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dan:''' The one that he wanted was you anyway.
:'''Dana:''' Wanted?
:'''Dan:''' All this is doing is making him feel a lot less like the man he is, which is why he left Lisa in the first place. I know what he wants, and I gotta say, he's done a pretty good job of going after it, which isn't, like, the most natural thing in the world for Casey to do. And I know what you want, and all I've seen you do is hide behind this psychotic behavior all dressed up as cute. He wanted you, and he told you every possible way he could. You've just been hanging out in the men's room.

===''The Cut Man Cometh'' [2.11]===

:'''Casey:''' Who knows more than we do about boxing?
:'''Dan:''' Boxers.
:'''Casey:''' Besides them.
:'''Dan:''' Boxing experts.
:'''Casey:''' Besides them.
:'''Dan:''' Boxing fans.
:'''Casey:''' Besides them.
:'''Dan:''' No one.
:'''Casey:''' Damn straight!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Isaac:''' A famous monk once said, &quot;I don't always know what the right thing to do is, my Lord, but I think that the fact that I want to please you, pleases you.&quot;
:'''Casey:''' But you would have preferred a book of famous monk quotations...
:'''Isaac:''' No, you put some thought into me. What could be a greater gift?
:'''Casey:''' I look like an idiot.
:'''Isaac:''' Added bonus.

===''The Sweet Smell of Air'' [2.12]===
:'''Natalie:''' You're letting him make you crazy.
:'''Dana:''' I'm not letting him make me crazy. I haven't given him permission or anything. He does it all by himself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after Casey makes a presentation for his son's class]''
:'''Dan:''' What did you do?
:'''Casey:''' I did what I do, Dan. I did what I do.
:'''Dan:''' You screwed up your romantic life in front of fifth-graders?

===''Dana Get Your Gun'' [2.13]===
:'''Dan:''' You can have my first-born son, just take tomorrow night's show. 
:'''Casey:''' So I'd have to work tomorrow '''and''' raise your child? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Casey:''' This girl named Lillian I just met said I dress like her father.
:'''Dan:''' You do dress like her father.
:'''Casey:''' You know Lillian's father?
:'''Dan:''' I don't have to know Lillian's father.
:'''Casey:''' You're asking me for a favor and mocking me at the same time?

===''And The Crowd Goes Wild'' [2.14]===

:'''Dan:''' You can't see anything right now, can you?
:'''Casey:''' No.
:'''Dan:''' You're just typing gibberish.
:'''Casey:''' Yes.
:'''Dan:''' Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Casey:''' I'm a little scared of getting trapped in a fire.
:'''Dan:''' I understand.
:'''Casey:''' Would you help me to safety?
:'''Dan:''' If there wasn't anything else better to do.
:'''Casey:''' Like what?
:'''Dan:''' Save myself.

===''Celebrities'' [2.15]===
:'''Casey:''' That is why I discourage fraternization in the office.
:'''Dan:''' You discourage fraternization?
:'''Casey:''' I do.
:'''Dan:''' Are you not counting the last year and a half with Dana?
:'''Casey:''' I am, as a matter of fact, not counting that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dan:''' Do you know how anal you are about your books?
:'''Casey:''' Uh, I know that Natalie's got your manhood stuffed inside a Prada bag.

===''The Local Weather'' [2.16]===
:'''Isaac:''' Does the porn star know you're this much of a dork?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dana:''' Guess where I've been.
:'''Jeremy:''' Church.
:'''Dana:'''You see? He knew.
:'''Jeremy:''' I was standing right here.

===''Draft Day, Part One: It Can't Rain at Indian Wells'' [2.17]===
:'''Casey:''' You're dating a porn star?
:'''Jeremy:''' I have met and spent social time with an actress who appears in adult films, yes.
:'''Casey:''' How you manage to make dating a porn star sound like a day at the public library is beyond me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Natalie:''' I broke up with '''you''', Mr. &quot;Obviously has a short-term memory loss with a myriad of other problems which I won't even go into but thinks he broke up with me because of the short-term memory loss which is so obvious&quot;.
:'''Jeremy:''' No need to be formal. I've seen you naked. Call me Jeremy.

===''Draft Day, Part Two: The Fall of Ryan O'Brian'' [2.18]===

:'''Casey:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Dan:''' Yeah?
:'''Casey:''' I'm very sorry.
:'''Dan:''' I don't think you are.
:'''Casey:''' I am. In fact, I'm so sorry it's almost hard for me to think of different ways to say &quot;bite me.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Casey:''' Sounds like you're ready to go for it.
:'''Jeremy:''' I am. I absolutely am. I mean, if not now, when? If not me, then who?
:'''Casey:''' Later and somebody else?

===''April is the Cruelest Month'' [2.19]===
:'''Jeremy:''' I'll go write the pageant.
:'''Dan:''' The pageant?
:'''Jeremy:''' Well, there are sections of the haggadah that, quite frankly, could use a polish.
:'''Dan:''' You're gonna do a rewrite on the haggadah?
:'''Jeremy:''' It's not written in stone, Dan.
:'''Dan:''' Actually, some of it is.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Natalie:''' You dated a porn star and never slept with her?
:'''Jeremy:''' Yeah.
:'''Natalie:''' What a goober.

===''Bells and a Siren'' [2.20]===
:'''Dana''': Are you growing a beard?
:'''Isaac''': No.
:'''Dana''': Did you shave this morning?
:'''Isaac''': No.
:'''Dana''': Why?
:'''Isaac''': I like an electric razor.
:'''Dana''': You should buy one.
:'''Isaac''': I have one. I have four.
:'''Dana''': You have four electric razors?
:'''Isaac''': Yes.
:'''Dana''': Why?
:'''Isaac''': I like them.
:'''Dana''': Is your electricity not working?
:'''Isaac''': Esther baby-proofed the house.
:'''Dana''': Matthew's here! I totally forgot. When was the last time you saw him?
:'''Isaac''': About nine months ago, before the stroke.
:'''Dana''': Matthew's here!
:'''Isaac''': The kid can't even walk yet - why are we locking the medicine cabinets?
:'''Dana''': Does he crawl?
:'''Isaac''': Not up walls, no!

===''La Forza del Destino'' [2.21]===

:'''Elliott:''' Dan?
:'''Dan:''' Hey.
:'''Elliott:''' These are for you. ''[puts flowers on desk]''
:'''Dan:''' Elliott, look, last night, seriously, I was talking to Kim. I was doing a little thing.
:'''Elliott:''' They're not from me.
:'''Dan:''' Like it'd kill you to give me flowers once in a while? ''[opens card]'' &quot;R.W.&quot; It says &quot;R.W.&quot;
:'''Casey:''' What else does it say?
:'''Dan:''' It just says &quot;R.W.&quot; Robert Wagner has sent me flowers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dana:''' How did you know Time Warner was gonna drop out at 27?
:'''Stranger:''' I didn't.
:'''Dana:''' You did.
:'''Stranger:''' I guessed.
:'''Dana:''' You didn't guess, you had information.
:'''Stranger:''' I had a lot of information. That's what makes me good at guessing.

===''Quo Vadimus'' [2.22]===

:'''Trager:''' Anybody who can't make money off Sports Night should get out of the money-making business.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[On air]''
:'''Casey:''' ...with revenge on their minds they welcome the Tigers to the house that Ruth built this evening.
:'''Dan:''' Excuse me, Casey, but Ruth didn't build the house this evening, did he?
:'''Casey:''' No, Dan, and thank you very much for correcting my every mistake no matter how small, oh these many years.
:'''Dan:''' What are friends for?
:'''Casey:''' Annoying the hell out of you?
:'''Dan:''' Exactly.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Robert Guillaume|Robert Guillaume]] - Isaac Jaffe
* [[w:Felicity Huffman|Felicity Huffman]] - Dana Whitaker
* [[w:Peter Krause|Peter Krause]] - Casey McCall
* [[w:Josh Charles|Josh Charles]] - Dan Rydell
* [[w:Sabrina Lloyd|Sabrina Lloyd]] - Natalie Hurley
* [[w:Joshua Malina|Joshua Malina]] - Jeremy Goodwin

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0165961|title=Sports Night}}

[[Category:1990s American comedy-drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American comedy-drama TV shows]]
[[Category:ABC shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy</title>
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[[File:Anchorman-logo.svg|thumb]]
'''''[[w:Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy|Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy]]''''' is a [[w:2004 in film|2004 film]] about Ronald Joseph Aaron &quot;Ron&quot; Burgundy, San Diego's top rated newsman in the male dominated broadcasting of the 1970s, and how his life is about to change when a new ambitious female employee arrives in his office.  
:''Directed by [[w:Adam McKay|Adam McKay]]. Written by Adam McKay and [[Will Ferrell]].''
{{center|'''They bring you the news—so you don't have to get it yourself.''' &lt;small&gt;[[#Taglines|Taglines]]&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Ron Burgundy ==
* How are you? You look awfully nice tonight. Hmm? Maybe don't wear a bra next time. No, I was talking to you. No, not her. I don't know her name. What is it? Lanolin. La - Lanolin? Like - like sheep's wool?
* Mm, I love scotch. I love Scotch. Scotchy, Scotch, Scotch. Here it goes down. Down into my belly. Mm-mm-mm.
* The arsonist has oddly shaped feet.
* Oh, come on. Audrey. I look like hell. I got bags under my eyes. What's that? Well, if you were a man, I would punch you. I'd punch you right in the mouth. That's bush. Bush league.
* ''[clears throat]'' The Human Torch was denied a bank loan.
* Good evening. I'm Ron Burgundy, and this is what's happening in your world tonight. A La Jolla man clings to life at a university hospital after being viciously attacked by a pack of wild dogs in an abandoned pool.
* For all of us here at News Center Four, I'm Ron Burgundy. You stay classy, San Diego.
* Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention? I've just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you to stop what you're doing and listen. Cannonball!
* ''[upon seeing Veronica Corningstone for the first time]'' By the beard of Zeus!
* ''[to Baxter]'' Yoo-hoo! ''[clears throat]'' Baxter! Papa's home. There he is. There's my little man. You're okay? O - Of course, I met a lady tonight. This one was different. I have to be honest. Quite different. What? I'm lonely? I'm not lonely! I - I'm beloved by everyone in San Diego. Wow. You know how to cut to the core of me, Baxter. You're so wise. ''[laughs]'' You're like a miniature Buddha covered in hair. Come again? You know I don't speak Spanish. In English, please. Huh? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole . . . wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? It's actually - I'm not even mad. That's amazing. ''[laughs again]'' I forgive you. What do you say we get you in your PJs and we hit the hay? Huh? Bedtime. Okay, come on. Let's go. Come on.
* ''[to Brian Fantana]'' “We've been coming to the same party for 12 years now...and in no way is that depressing.”
* I know that one day, Veronica and I are gonna get married on top of a mountain. And there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance 'til the sun rises. And then our children will form a family band. And we will tour the countryside, and you won't be invited!
* It's so damn hot . . . milk was a bad choice!
* By the hymen of Olivia Newton John!
* Knights of Columbus that hurt!

== Veronica Corningstone ==
* ''[voiceover, after witnessing the sexism exhibited by the news team]'' Huh, here we go again. Every station, it's the same. Women ask me how I put up with it. Well, the truth is, I don't really have a choice. This is definitely a man's world. But while they're laughing and grab-assing, I'm chasing down leads and practicing my non-regional diction. Because the only way to win is to be the best. The very best.

== Brian Fantana ==
* People call me the Bri-man. I'm the stylish one of the group. I know what you're asking yourself, and the answer is yes, I have a nickname for my penis. It's called the Octagon. But I also nicknamed my testes. My left one is James Westfall, and my right one is Dr. Kenneth Noisewater. You ladies play your cards right, you just might get to meet the whole gang.
* It's called Sex Panther by Odeon. It's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good. They've done studies, you know. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.

== Champion &quot;Champ&quot; Kind ==
* Champ here. I'm all about havin' fun. You know, get a couple of cocktails in me, start a fire in someone's kitchen. Maybe go to [[w:SeaWorld|SeaWorld]], take my pants off. Anyway, I've become kind of famous for my signature catchphrase, &quot;Whammy!&quot; As in, &quot;Gene Tenace at the plate . . . and whammy!&quot; Whammy!
* I woke up this morning on the floor of some Japanese family's rec room, and they would not stop screaming!

== Brick Tamland ==
* I'm Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I am polite, and I'm rarely late. I like to eat ice cream, and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an [[w:Intelligence quotient|IQ]] of 48 and am what some people call &quot;mentally retarded.&quot;
* ''[from the outtakes]'' I drank a lava lamp. It wasn't lava.
* ''[from the outtakes]'' I ate a whole bunch of fiberglass insulation. It wasn't cotton candy like that guy said. My stomach's itchy.  
* ''[from the outtakes]'' I pooped a hammer.
* ''[from the outtakes]'' I pooped a tape recorder.
* ''[from the outtakes]'' I pooped a Cornish game hen. Uh . . . ''[laughs]'' Nope.

== Edward &quot;Ed&quot; Harken ==
* ''[on the phone]'' Right, but I think my son is just going through a phase. I have no idea where he would have gotten ahold of German pornography. But you and I are mature adults. We've both seen our share of pornographic materials. Oh, you never have? O - Of course you haven't. How stupid of me. Neither have I. I was just speaking in generalities. Right, I'll stop by the school a little later, Sister Margaret. Bye.
* ''[to Veronica Corningstone]'' Apparently, my son was on something called acid and was firing a bow and arrow into a crowd. You know how kids are!

== Public News anchor ==
* Not so fast, you ingrates! Public News Team is taking a break from its pledge drive to kick some ass. No commercials! No mercy!

== Arturo Mendez ==
* ''Como éstan'', bitches! Spanish language news is here. Tonight's top story: the sewers run red with Burgundy's blood.
* ''Policia''!

== Narrator ==
* ''[voiceover]'' There was a time, a time before cable, when the local anchorman reigned supreme, when people believed everything they heard on TV. This was an age when only men were allowed to read the news. And in San Diego, one anchorman was more man than the rest. His name was Ron Burgundy. He was like a god walking amongst mere mortals. He had a voice that could make a wolverine purr and suits so fine, they made [[w:Frank Sinatra|Sinatra]] look like a hobo. In other words, Ron Burgundy was the balls.
* ''[voiceover]'' When the clock struck six, it meant one thing for Ron Burgundy and his news team: go time.

==Dialogue==
:'''Ed''': Listen up. The ratings just came in for last month. We are number one. We just grabbed every key demographic.
:''[Everyone cheers.]''
:'''Brian''': Yeah! Yeah!
:'''Ron''': Super duper, gang! Super duper! That's nice! Way to go! Neat-o, gang.
:'''Brick''': Yes!
:'''Ron''': Boy, Ed, that is good news. I gotta be honest.
:''[Ron and Ed shake hands and hug.]''
:'''Ed''': Congrats, congrats.
:'''Ron''': That is good news!
:'''Brian''': All right!
:''[Garth lights Ed's cigar.]''
:'''Ed''': ''[to Garth]'' Stick around. Make sure these guys don't party too much.
:'''Garth''': Uh, they don't ever really listen to me, Ed.
:'''Ed''': Just get it done.
:'''Garth''': Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': Hello.
:'''Veronica''': Hello.
:'''Ron''': Hope I'm not disturbing you, but, uh, I saw you from across the party, and, uh, I don't usually do this, but I felt compelled to tell you something. You have an absolutely breathtaking heinie. I mean, that thing is good. I wanna be with friends with it.
:'''Veronica''': Well, you certainly know how to compliment a woman. Now, if you'll excuse me.
:''[She starts to leave.]''
:'''Ron''': Do you know who I am?
:'''Veronica''': No, I - I can't say that I do.
:'''Ron''': I don't know how to put this, but I'm kind of a big deal.
:'''Veronica''': Really?
:'''Ron''': People know me.
:'''Veronica''': Well, I'm very happy for you.
:'''Ron''': I'm very important. Uh, I have many leather-bound books, and my apartment smells of rich mahogany. I - I - I'm friends with [[w:Merlin Olsen|Merlin Olsen]], too. He's - comes over on occasion.
:''[He laughs.]''
:'''Ron''': That's stupid.
:'''Veronica''': No, no, that's . . . very exciting.
:'''Ron''': Listen, can - can I start over again?
:'''Veronica''': Sure.
:'''Ron''': I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there. And if you like, you can take it. If you don't, send it right back. I wanna be on you.
:''[Veronica leaves.]''
:'''Ron''': Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I . . . I wanna be on you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brian''': Oh, that was one crazy party. I am hung over!
:'''Champ''': Tell me about it. I woke up this morning, and I shit a squirrel. I mean it. Literally. Hell of it is, damn thing's still alive. So, I got this shit-covered squirrel down there in the office. Don't know what to name it.
:'''Brick''': Aw, I'm sorry, Champ. I think I ate your chocolate squirrel.
:''[Garth and Ed enter the conference room.]''
:'''Garth''': All right, guys. Let's focus up.
:'''Ed''': Morning, everyone. Here are the stories we're gonna be chasing today. It looks like Ling Wong, the rare panda at the San Diego Zoo, is pregnant.
:'''Garth''': This is a big one.
:'''Ed''': Now, this could be the big story of the summer. Network is gonna be wanting plenty of coverage. And speaking of network, word on the street is they're looking for a new anchor. So, Ron -
:''[Ron wakes up.]''
:'''Ron''': Huh?  Network? Are they here?
:'''Ed''': In addition, a lot of you have been hearing the affiliates complaining about a lack of diversity on the news team.
:'''Champ''': What in the hell's diversity?
:''[Ron clears his throat.]''
:'''Ron''': Well, I - I could be wrong, but I believe, uh, ''Diversity'' is an old, old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era.
:''[Ron and Brick nod.]''
:'''Someone in the conference room''': That's right.
:'''Ed''': Ron, I would be surprised if the affiliates were concerned about the lack of an old, old wooden ship, but nice try. Uh, diversity means that times are changing, and with that in mind - Ron, are you paying attention?
:'''Ron''': Nope.
:'''Ed''': Well, this concerns all of us.
:'''Ron''': Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brian''': I mean, come on, Ed, it's bullcrap! D - Don't get me wrong, I loves the ladies. I mean, they rev my engines, but they don't belong in the newsroom!
:'''Champ''': It is anchorman, not anchorlady! And that is a scientific fact!
:'''Brian''': Uh-huh.
:'''Brick''': I don't know what we're yelling about!
:'''Brian''': You're with us, Ron. What do you think?
:'''Ron''': Shit! Sh-- it's terrible! She has beautiful eyes, and her hair smells like cinnamon!
:'''Brian''': Mm-hmm.
:'''Brick''': Loud noises!
:'''Ed''': All right, everyone relax. She's not gonna take anyone's airtime, okay?
:'''Brick''': I heard somewhere that their periods attract bears. The bears can smell the menstruation.
:'''Brian''': Well, that's just great. You hear that, Ed? Bears. Now, you're putting the whole station in jeopardy.
:'''Champ''': I will say one thing for her, Ed. She does have a nice, big old behind.
:''[He laughs.]''
:'''Champ''': I'd like to put some barbecue sauce on that butt and just bite, bite, bite, bite, munch, munch, munch! Ah-woo!
:''[Ed and Brian are cracking up.]''
:'''Ed''': Stop it! Oh, Jesus.
:''[Champ continues barking and does not see Veronica enter the room. Ed and Brian stop laughing upon realizing that she is there.]''
:'''Champ''': Oh, oh, oh, look at the full-moon butt! Look at it!
:''[He continues barking.]''
:'''Brian''': Champ! Champ! Champ, Champ!
:''[Brian motions to Champ to be quiet, and Champ turns and sees Veronica and becomes silent.]''
:'''Veronica Corningstone''': Mr. Harkin, I was just wondering if you knew when my office would be ready.
:'''Edward &quot;Ed&quot; Harkin''': Well, that might take some time. For now, why don't you just grab a desk in the bullpen?
:'''Ron''': You can use my office! Then, afterwards, maybe we can go to lunch!
:'''Ed''': Lower your voice, Ron.
:'''Ron''': Mm-hm!
:'''Veronica''': All right.  Well, thank you, Mr. Harkin. I'll go get my desk set up.
:''[Veronica leaves Ed's office, and Champ and Brian crack up again.]''
:'''Champion &quot;Champ&quot; Kind''': Oh, she is a saucy mama!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Champ''': What's this?
:'''Wes''': Well, well, well. Ron Burgundy and the Channel Four News team.
:'''Ron''': Hello, Wes Mantooth. Hello, Evening News team.
:'''Wes''': Hey, nice clothes, gentlemen. I didn't know that the Salvation Army was having a sale.
:''[Wes and his news team laugh, and Wes flicks his cigarette at Ron.]''
:'''Wes''': Am I right? Am I right? Look at these guys!
:''[They continue laughing.]''
:'''Brick''': Hey! Where did you get those clothes? At the toilet store?
:'''We''': What are you doing on our station's turf, Burgundy? You're about to get a serious beat down.
:'''Champ''': I will smash your face into a car windshield and then take your mother, Dorothy Mantooth, out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again!
:''[Wes's colleagues are forced to restrain an enraged Wes while Brick restrains Champ. Ron puts himself between Champ and Wes]''
:'''Wes''': Dorothy Mantooth is a saint! You understand me? Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!
:'''Ron''': Hey, leave the mothers out of this. All right?
:''[Ron adjusts Champ's collar while Brian makes fighting motions at the Evening News team.]''
:'''Ron''': It's unnecessary. Besides, I'm sure Wes here is just upset about finishing second in the ratings again.
:''[Brian winces.]''
:'''Brian''': Ooh!
:''[He laughs.]''
:'''Wes''': That's completely uncalled for, Burgundy. You know those rating systems are flawed. They don't take in account houses that have, uh, more than two television sets and other - other things of that nature.
:'''Ron''': I guess I have to take you at your word, number two.
:''[Ron, Brian, Champ, and Brick laugh at this, and Brian holds up a number two sign on his hand.]''
:'''Ron''': You have a great day, fellas. We'll see you around the bend.
:''[They walk off while Wes hits his news team's van.]''
:'''Wes''': Son of a bitch!
:'''Brian''': Excusez-moi, numéro two.
:'''Wes''': Hey, Burgundy. You know those sample audiences aren't big enough! Stop hiding behind those phony numbers, Burgundy! I'm coming after you! I hate you, Ron Burgundy. I hate you! ''[to his news team]'' Can't say - can't say one word? Even the guy who can't think says something! You just stand there? Come on!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Champ walks up to Veronica Corningstone's desk.]''
:'''Champ''': Let me just grab this.
:''[He pretends to grab a pencil but tries grabbing her breast instead.]''
:'''Champ''': Oh, sorry about that. Whammy.
:''[He starts walking away.]''
:'''Veronica''': Hmm. Uh, Champ?
:'''Champ''': Yeah?
:'''Veronica''': You're trying to touch my breast, aren't you?
:'''Champ''': What can I say? I like the way you're put together. What do you say we go out on a date? Have some chicken, maybe some sex. You know, see what happens?
:'''Veronica''': Oh, let me get this over here.
:''[She punches Champ in the groin, causing him to groan in pain.]''
:'''Veronica''': Oh, sorry.
:''[She grabs a tape dispenser.]''
:'''Veronica''': There it is.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': Let's go to Brian Fantana who's live on the scene with a Channel Four News exclusive. Brian? 
:'''Brian''': Panda Watch! The mood is tense. I have been on some serious, serious reports but nothing quite like this. I, uh, Ching King is inside right now. I tried to get an interview with him, but they said &quot;No, you can't do that, he's a live bear, he will literally rip your face off.&quot; ''[to the Panda]'' Hey, you're making me look stupid. Get out here, panda jerk!
:'''Ron''': Great story. Compelling and rich. Well, that's going to do it for all of us here at Channel Four News. You stay classy, San Diego. I'm Ron Burgundy?
:'''Ed''': Damn it! Who typed a question mark on the teleprompter? For the last time, anything you put on that prompter, Burgundy will read!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brian''': Well, I'll give this little cookie an hour before we're doing the no-pants dance.
:''[Brian and Ron.]''
:'''Brian''': Time to musk up.
:''[He opens the door to reveal different types of colognes.]''
:'''Ron''': Wow. Never ceases to amaze me.
:''[He laughs.]''
:'''Ron''': What cologne are you gonna go with? London Gentleman or . . . wait. No, no, no. Hold on. Blackbeard's Delight?
:'''Brian''': No. She gets a special cologne. It's called Sex Panther by Odeon. It's illegal in nine countries. Yep. It's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good.
:'''Ron''': It's quite pungent.
:'''Brian''': Oh yeah.
:'''Ron''': It's a formidable scent.
:''[He cringes while Brian daubs the cologne on his neck.]''
:'''Ron''': It stings the nostrils.
:''[He laughs.]''
:'''Ron''': In a good way.
:'''Brian''': Yeah.
:'''Ron''': Brian, I'm gonna be honest with you. That smells like pure gasoline.
:'''Brian''': They've done studies, you know? 60% of the time, it works every time.
:'''Ron''': That doesn't make any sense.
:'''Brian''': Well, let's go see if we can make this little kitty purr.
:''[Brian growls, leaves the office, and approaches Veronica.]''
:'''Brian''': Hey, sweet cheeks. Got an invite I'd like to extend your way.
:'''Veronica''': My God. What is that smell? Oh!
:'''Brian''': That's the smell of desire, my lady.
:'''Veronica''': God no, it smells like - like a used diaper filled with Indian food. Oh! Excuse me.
:'''Brian''': You know, desire smells like that to some people.
:''[Other people start reacting to the cologne.]''
:'''News station employee''': What is that? It smells like a turd covered in burnt hair!
:''[Another woman passes by Brian and reacts in disgust.]''
:'''Woman''': It smells like Bigfoot's dick!
:''[Almost all of the employees flee the office to avoid the smell, and a woman starts screaming. Brian looks at his watch.]''
:'''Brian''': Oh.
:''[The smell is so strong that it sets off the fire alarm. Brian tries acting casual and walks away.]''
:'''Brian''': Oh, what's that smell, huh?
:''[The scene cuts to Brian being jet-hosed in the parking lot.]''
:'''Hoser''': This is worse than the time the raccoon got in the copier!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Brick makes a fake cough.]''
:'''Brick''': Cough. Look over here. Excuse me, Veronica.
:'''Veronica''': Yes, what is it, Brick?
:'''Brick''': I would like to extend to you, an invitation to the Pants Party.
:'''Veronica''': Excuse me?
:'''Brick''': The party, the pants, party with the pants?
:'''Veronica''': Brick, are you saying that there is a party in your pants and that I'm invited?
:'''Brick''': That's it.
:'''Veronica''': Mm. Did Brian tell you to say this, Brick?
:'''Brick''': No, yes, he did.
:'''Veronica''': Okay. No, I don't want to go to a party in your pants.
:'''Brick''': Very well.
:''[He turns to Ian.]''
:'''Brick''': Ian! Would you like to go to a party in my pants?
:'''Ian''': No, Brick.
:'''Brick''': All right. Let's go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Champ''': ''[on Veronica Corningstone]'' I'm telling you, she is a real ball-buster.
:''[Brian laughs.]''
:'''Brian''': A real ice queen.
:''[Brick drinks some coffee.]''
:'''Brick''': Mm. I just burned my tongue.
:'''Ron''': The only way to bag a classy lady is to give her two tickets to the gun show.
:''[He holds up his arms and kisses each one.]''
:'''Ron''': Let's see if she likes the goods.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ron is lifting weights.]''
:'''Ron''': 1,001, 1,002, 1,003.
:'''Veronica''': Uh, Mr. Burgundy? Helen said that you needed to see me.
:'''Ron''': Oh, Miss Corningstone. I wasn't expecting company. Just doing my workout. Tuesday's arms and back.
:'''Veronica''': Well, you asked me to come by, sir.
:'''Ron''': Oh, did I?
:'''Veronica''': Yes.
:'''Ron''': Oh-h, it's the deep burn! Oh, it's so deep! Oh, I can barely lift my right arm 'cause I did so many. I don't know if you heard me counting. I did over a thousand.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': Mmm. San Diego. Drink it in. It always goes down smooth. Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means &quot;a whale's vagina&quot;.
:'''Veronica''': No, there's no way that's correct.
:'''Ron''': I'm sorry. I was trying to impress you. I don't know what it means. I'll be honest. I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.
:'''Veronica''': Doesn't it mean &quot;Saint Diego&quot;?
:'''Ron''': No. No.
:'''Veronica''': No, that's--that's what it means. Really.
:'''Ron''': Well. Agree to disagree.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': I friggin' love you!
:'''Veronica''': I friggin' love you back!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': Look, the most glorious rainbow ever!
:'''Veronica''': Oh, do me on it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': Veronica Corningstone and I had sex, and we are now in love! Did I say that loud?
:'''Brian''': Yeah, you pretty much yelled it.
:'''Ron''': Well, I don't care. It's fantastic!
:'''Champ''': What's it like, Ron?
:'''Ron''': The intimate times? Outta sight, my man!
:'''Brian''': No, the other thing. Love.
:'''Brick''': Yeah. What is that?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brian''': I think I was in love once.
:'''Ron''': Really? What was her name?
:'''Brian''': I don't remember.
:'''Ron''': That's not a good start, but keep going.
:'''Brian''': She was Brazilian, or Chinese, or something weird. I met her in the bathroom of a K-Mart, and we made out for hours. Then, we parted ways, never to see each other again.
:'''Ron''': Brian, I'm pretty sure that's not love.
:'''Brian''': Damn it!
:'''Brick''': I love carpet.
:''[Ron nods understandingly.]''
:'''Brick''': I love desk.
:'''Ron''': Brick, are you just looking at things in the office and saying that you love them?
:'''Brick''': I love lamp.
:'''Ron''': Do you really love the lamp, or are you just saying that because you saw it?
:'''Brick''': I- I love lamp! I love lamp.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': You really want to know what love is?
:''[Champ nods his head.]''
:'''Champ''': Yeah.
:'''Brian''': Yes! Tell us!
:'''Brick''': More than anything in the world, Ron!
:'''Ron''': Well, it's really quite simple. It's kinda like...
:''[He starts singing &quot;Afternoon Delight&quot;.]''
:'''Ron''': &quot;Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight, gonna grab some afternoon delight. My motto's always been 'when it's right, it's right', why wait until the middle of a cold dark night?&quot;
:''[Champ, Brian, and Brick join in.]''
:'''Everyone''': &quot;When everything's a little clearer in the light of day. And, we know the night is always gonna be here anyway!&quot;
:'''Brick and Brian''': &quot;Thinking of you's workin' up my appetite, looking forward to a little afternoon delight. Rubbing sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite, and the thought of loving you is getting so exciting, sky rockets in flight. Afternoon delight.&quot;
:''[Ron stops singing.]''
:'''Ron''': You guys have it.
:''[Everyone sings.]''
:'''Everyone''': &quot;Afternoon delight!&quot;
:''[Champ, Brian, and Brick stop singing.]''
:'''Champ''': I dunno, Ron. That sounds kinda crazy.
:'''Brian''': Sounds like you have mental problems, man.
:'''Brick''': Yeah, you got mental problems, man.
:'''Brian''': Yeah, it really does.
:'''Brick''': Man.
:''[Everyone sings.]''
:'''Everyone''': &quot;Afternoon delight!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Champ''': The bottom line is you've been spending a lot of time with this lady, Ron. You're a member of the Channel Four News team.
:'''Ron''': That's a given. That's a given.
:'''Champ''': We need you. Hell, I need you. I'm a mess without you. I miss you so damn much. I miss being with you. I miss being near you. I miss your laugh. ''[He laughs brokenly.]'' I miss your scent. I miss your musk. When this all gets sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together!
:'''Brian''': Take it easy, Champ. Why don't you stop talking for a while?
:'''Ron''': Yeah, sit the next couple plays out, if you know what I mean.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron Burgundy''': Last time I checked, my name was Ron Burgundy! What's yours?
:'''Brian Fantana''': Brian Fantana!
:'''Champ Kind''': Champ Kind!
:'''Brick Tamland''': Brian Fantana...
:'''Brian Fantana''': No, you're Brick...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Motorcyclist''': What do you love?
:'''Ron''': I love poetry and a glass of scotch, and, of course, my friend Baxter here.
:'''Motorcyclist''': Well, now, guess what, this is happening.
:''[He grabs Baxter.]''
:'''Ron''': Excuse me, excuse me, what are you doing?
:''[The motorcyclist punts Baxter over bridge.]''
:'''Motorcyclist''': That's how I roll!
:'''Ron''': Baxter! ''[gasps.]'' NOOOOOOOO!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brian''': Where are you, Ron?
:'''Ron''': I'm in a glass case of emotion!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': Wait, Veronica, please tell me this is some kind of sick tasteless joke.
:'''Veronica''': You weren't here! Why are you being this way? Why can't you just be proud of me as a peer and as my gentleman lover?
:'''Ron''': I can't believe you did this to me! You read my news!
:'''Veronica''': I told you that I wanted to be an anchor. I told you that.
:'''Ron''': I thought you were kidding! I thought it was a joke. I even wrote it down in my diary. &quot;Veronica had a very funny joke today.&quot; I laughed at it later that night!
:'''Veronica''': I can't believe that I cared for you!
:'''Ron''': Get out! Just go! We are through! Through! Because of your actions, you scorpion woman!
:'''Veronica''': You have broken my heart, Mr. Burgundy. You have broken my heart.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Veronica picks up the phone.]''
:'''Veronica''': Veronica Corningstone.
:'''Ron''': Hello. This is your doctor. I have your pregnancy results here, and guess what? You, you got knocked up, so you should probably get out of news.
:'''Veronica''': Who is this?
:'''Ron''': This is Dr. Chim. Dr. Chim Richalds. Richalds.
:'''Veronica''': Is this you, Ron?
:'''Ron''':  I'm a professional doctor. You saw me. You don't remember. You were drunk. You should - you should go, you should get out of news.
:'''Veronica''': This is pathetic.
:'''Ron''': You're pathetic.
:''[He hangs up.]''
:'''Champ''': How'd it go?
:'''Ron''': I think she bought it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Veronica''': Mr. Burgundy, I am a professional and I would like to be able to do my job.
:'''Ron''': Big deal. I am very professional.
:'''Veronica''': Mr. Burgundy, you are acting like a baby.
:'''Ron''': I'm not a baby, I'm a man! I am an anchorman!
:'''Veronica''': You are not a man. You are a big fat joke!
:'''Ron''': I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn! That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of ours. It's science.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frank Vitchard''': Hey! If you're gonna have a fight, then don't forget Channel Two News, with me, lead anchor Frank Vitchard.
:'''Ron''': You dirt bags have been in third place for five years.
:'''Frank Vitchard''': Oh, yeah? Well, you're about to be in . . . dead place!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': Brick, where did you get a hand grenade?
:'''Brick''': I don't know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': ''[on the fight between local anchormen]'' Boy, that escalated quickly. I mean, that really got out of hand fast!
:'''Champ''': It jumped up a notch.
:'''Ron''': It did, didn't it?
:'''Brick''': Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart.
:'''Ron''': I saw that! Brick killed a guy! Did you throw a trident?
:'''Brick''': Yeah, there were horses and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident.
:'''Ron''': Brick, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should probably find yourself a safe house or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder. I'm proud of you fellas. You all kept your head on a swivel and that's what you're gonna do when you find yourself in a vicious cockfight.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': You are a smelly pirate hooker!
:'''Veronica''': You look like a blueberry!
:'''Ron''': Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island!
:'''Veronica''': Well, you have bad hair!
:'''Ron''': ''[shocked]'' What did you say?
:'''Veronica''': I said... your hair... looks stupid!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Veronica''': For the entire Channel Four News team, I'm Veronica Corningstone.
:'''Ron''': And I'm Ron Burgundy. Go fuck yourself, San Diego!

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garth''': Coming out with stink like that poop, you poop-mouth! Get all that poop coming out of your mouth!
:'''Ron''': Garth, if I were to give you some money from out of my wallet, would that help ease the pain?
:''[He glances at Ed for approval.]''
:'''Garth''': I hate you Ron Burgundy! I hate you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[A drunk Ron is singing in the bar.]''
:'''Ron''': &quot;Sky rockets in flight. Afternoon deliiiight... Af...
:''[He blows a raspberry.]''
:'''Ron''': I make fart-noises with my mouth . . .
:''[He blows a raspberry again.]''
:'''Ron''': . . . and I like it cause...
:'''Bartender''': Hey, nut job, quit the singing! You creeping out all the regulars.
:'''Ron''': I'm expressing my inner anguish THROUGH THE MAJESTY OF SONG!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': ''[voiceover]'' Yes, redemption was sweet for Ron Burgundy.
:'''Champ''': Yes! Ron!
:'''Narrator''': ''[voiceover]'' As for the news team . . .
:'''Champ''': Stop it! Ron!
:'''Narrator''': ''[voiceover]'' Champ Kind went on to become a commentator for the NFL but was later fired after being accused of sexual harassment by [[w:Terry Bradshaw|Terry Bradshaw]].
:'''Woman''': ''[to Brian Fantana]'' Excuse me. Is that Sex Panther you're wearing?
:''[Brian howls happily.]''
:'''Narrator''': ''[voiceover]'' Brian Fantana went on to have great success as the host of the hit reality TV show ''Intercourse Island'' on the [[w:Fox Broadcasting Company|Fox Network]].
:'''Brian''': Anyone seen Brick? Brick?
:''[Brick is still in the bear pen and is cuddling with a bear.]''
:'''Brick''': Don't! That tickles! No, that tickles me!
:''[Brick laughs.]''
:'''Brick''': Come on!
:'''Narrator''': ''[voiceover]'' Brick Tamland is married with 11 children and is one of the top political advisors to the Bush White House.
:'''Brick''': I'm gonna get you! I'm gonna get you!
:''[Ron and Veronica are still kissing.]''
:'''Baxter''': ''[to Ron, about Veronica]'' Hey! Is she going to live with us? Because I am '''''not''''' cool with that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': Um, Brick, before I let you go, are you still having your celebrity golf tournament?
:'''Brick''': Um, no, no.  Too many people died last year, so we're not gonna do it.

== Cast ==
* [[Will Ferrell]] - Ronald Joseph Aaron &quot;Ron&quot; Burgundy
* [[Christina Applegate]] - Veronica Corningstone
* [[w:Paul Rudd|Paul Rudd]] - Brian Fantana 
* [[w:Steve Carell|Steve Carell]] - Brick Tamland
* [[w:David Koechner|David Koechner]] - Champion &quot;Champ&quot; Kind
* [[w:Vince Vaughn|Vince Vaughn]] - Wes Mantooth
* [[Fred Willard]] - Edward &quot;Ed&quot; Harkin
* [[w:Chris Parnell|Chris Parnell]] - Garth Holliday
* Peanut - Baxter
* [[Danny Trejo]] - Bartender
* [[Jack Black]] - Motorcyclist
* [[w:Judd Apatow|Judd Apatow]] - News station employee
* [[Paul F. Tompkins]] - Cat show competition host
* [[w:Jay Johnston|Jay Johnston]] - Eyewitness News team member
* [[w:Robin Antin|Robin Antin]] - Spanish Language News team member
* [[w:Fred Armisen|Fred Armisen]] - Tino
* [[w:Adam McKay|Adam McKay]] - Janitor
* [[w:Tim Robbins|Tim Robbins]] - Public News anchor
* [[w:Jimmy Bennett|Jimmy Bennett]] - Tommy
* [[w:Luke Wilson|Luke Wilson]] - Frank Vitchard
* [[Ben Stiller]] - Arturo Mendez
* [[w:Seth Rogen|Seth Rogen]] - Cameraman
* [[w:Kathryn Hahn|Kathryn Hahn]] - Helen
* [[w:Missi Pyle|Missi Pyle]] - Zookeeper
* [[w:Bill Kurtis|Bill Kurtis]] - Narrator

== Taglines ==
* They bring you the news—so you don't have to get it yourself.
* THEY BRING YOU THE NEWS SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET IT YOURSELF
* If Ron Burgundy says it, it's the truth!
* His news is bigger than your news.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{wikipedia|Wake Up, Ron Burgundy: The Lost Movie}}
* {{imdb title|id=0357413|title=Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy}} 
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=anchorman|title=Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy}}

[[Category:2004 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Satire films]]
[[Category:Journalist films]]
[[Category:Films about television]]
[[Category:Films directed by Adam McKay]]
[[Category:Films set in California]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Pope John Paul II</title>
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      <comment>/* Other Quotes by Pope John Paul II */ new quote</comment>
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      <text bytes="63751" xml:space="preserve">[[File:JohannesPaul2-portrait.jpg|thumb|For an adequate formation of a culture, the involvement of the whole man is required, whereby he exercises his creativity, intelligence, and knowledge of the world and of people.]]
[[w:Pope John Paul II|'''John Paul II''']] (born '''Karol Józef Wojtyła'''; [[18 May]] [[1920]] – [[2 April]] [[2005]]) was the head of the [[w:Catholic Church|Catholic Church]] and sovereign of the [[w:Vatican City|Vatican City State]] from 1978 until his death in 2005. He was elected [[w:pope|pope]] by the [[w:October 1978 papal conclave|second papal conclave of 1978]], which was called after [[Pope John Paul I|John Paul I]], who had been [[w:August 1978 papal conclave|elected in August]] to succeed [[Pope Paul VI]], died after 33 days. Cardinal Wojtyła was elected on the third day of the conclave and adopted the name of his predecessor in tribute to him. John Paul&amp;nbsp;II is recognised as helping to end [[w:Polish People's Republic|Communist rule]] in his native Poland and the rest of Europe.

John Paul II attempted to improve the Catholic Church's relations with [[Judaism]], [[Islam]], and the [[Eastern Orthodox Church]]. He maintained the Church's previous positions on such matters as [[abortion]], artificial [[Birth control|contraception]], the [[w:ordination of women|ordination of women]], and a celibate clergy, and although he supported the reforms of the [[w:Second Vatican Council|Second Vatican Council]], he was seen as generally conservative in their interpretation. He was one of the most travelled world leaders in history, visiting 129&amp;nbsp;countries during his [[w:pontificate|pontificate]]. As part of his special emphasis on the [[w:universal call to holiness|universal call to holiness]], he [[w:List of people beatified by Pope John Paul II|beatified 1,340]] and [[w:canonised|canonised]] 483 people, more than the combined tally of his predecessors during the preceding five centuries. John Paul II was the [[w:Pope#Longest-reigning popes|second-longest-serving]] pope in modern history after [[Pope Pius IX]].

== Quotes ==

=== Crossing the Threshold of Hope (1994) ===
* Young people have a special place in the heart of the Holy Father, who often repeats that the whole Church looks to them with particular hope for a new beginning of evangelization.
** Paul II, Pope John. Crossing the Threshold of Hope, Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group. Kindle Edition. 

=== Familiaris Consortio (1981) ===

* The Church is called upon to manifest anew to everyone, with clear and stronger conviction, her will to promote human life by every means and to defend it against all attacks, in whatever condition or state of development it is found. Thus the Church condemns as a grave offense against human dignity and justice all those activities of governments or other public authorities which attempt to limit in any way the freedom of couples in deciding about children. Consequently, any violence applied by such authorities in favor of contraception or, still worse, of sterilization and procured abortion, must be altogether condemned and forcefully rejected. Likewise to be denounced as gravely unjust are cases where, in international relations, economic help given for the advancement of peoples is made conditional on programs of contraception, sterilization and procured abortion.
** Apostolic exhortation ''Familiaris Consortio'' on the role of the Christian family in the modern world, 22 November 1981, St Peter's Basilica

* Christian marriage and the Christian family build up the Church: for in the family the human person is not only brought into being and progressively introduced by means of education into the human community, but by means of the rebirth of baptism and education in the faith the child is also introduced into God's family, which is the Church. The human family, disunited by sin, is reconstituted in its unity by the redemptive power of the death and Resurrection of Christ. Christian marriage, by participating in the salvific efficacy of this event, constitutes the natural setting in which the human person is introduced into the great family of the Church. The commandment to grow and multiply, given to man and woman in the beginning, in this way reaches its whole truth and full realization.
** Apostolic exhortation ''Familiaris Consortio'' on the role of the Christian family in the modern world, 22 November 1981, St Peter's Basilica

* In virginity or celibacy, the human being is awaiting, also in a bodily way, the eschatological marriage of Christ with the Church, giving himself or herself completely to the Church in the hope that Christ may give Himself to the Church in the full truth of eternal life. The celibate person thus anticipates in his or her flesh the new world of the future resurrection. By virtue of this witness, virginity or celibacy keeps alive in the Church a consciousness of the mystery of marriage and defends it from any reduction and impoverishment. Virginity or celibacy, by liberating the human heart in a unique way,[40] &quot;so as to make it burn with greater love for God and all humanity,&quot;[41] bears witness that the Kingdom of God and His justice is that pearl of great price which is preferred to every other value no matter how great, and hence must be sought as the only definitive value. It is for this reason that the Church, throughout her history, has always defended the superiority of this charism to that of marriage, by reason of the wholly singular link which it has with the Kingdom of God.
** Apostolic exhortation ''Familiaris Consortio'' on the role of the Christian family in the modern world, 22 November 1981, St Peter's Basilica

=== Fides et Ratio (1998) ===
[[File:National gallery in washington d.c., mino da fiesole, fede, 1475-1480.JPG|thumb|Faith and reason are like two wings on which the human spirit rises to the contemplation of [[truth]]; and God has placed in the human heart a desire to know the truth—in a word, to know himself.]]

* '''Faith and reason are like two wings on which the human spirit rises to the contemplation of [[truth]]; and God has placed in the human heart a desire to know the truth—in a word, to know himself—so that, by knowing and loving God, men and women may also come to the fullness of truth about themselves.'''
** Encyclical ''Fides et Ratio'', 14 September 1998
*** Source: [http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/encyclicals/documents/hf_jp-ii_enc_14091998_fides-et-ratio_en.html www.vatican.va] 

* Born and nurtured when the human being first asked questions about the reason for things and their purpose, [[philosophy]] shows in different modes and forms that the desire for [[truth]] is part of human nature itself.
** Encyclical ''Fides et Ratio'', 14 September 1998
*** Source: [http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/encyclicals/documents/hf_jp-ii_enc_14091998_fides-et-ratio_en.html www.vatican.va] 

* to men and women there falls the task of exploring [[truth]] with their [[reason]], and in this their [[nobility]] consists.
** Encyclical ''Fides et Ratio'', 14 September 1998
*** Source: [http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/encyclicals/documents/hf_jp-ii_enc_14091998_fides-et-ratio_en.html www.vatican.va] 

* Every truth—if it really is truth—presents itself as universal, even if it is not the whole truth. If something is true, then it must be true for all people and at all times.
** Encyclical ''Fides et Ratio'', 14 September 1998
*** Source: [http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/encyclicals/documents/hf_jp-ii_enc_14091998_fides-et-ratio_en.html www.vatican.va] 

* human being is by nature a philosopher
** Encyclical ''Fides et Ratio'', 14 September 1998
*** Source: [http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/encyclicals/documents/hf_jp-ii_enc_14091998_fides-et-ratio_en.html www.vatican.va] 

* to argue according to rigorous rational criteria is to guarantee that the results attained are universally valid.
** Encyclical ''Fides et Ratio'', 14 September 1998
*** Source: [http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/encyclicals/documents/hf_jp-ii_enc_14091998_fides-et-ratio_en.html www.vatican.va] 

* [[philosophy]] must obey its own rules and be based upon its own principles; [[truth]], however, can only be one.
** Encyclical ''Fides et Ratio'', 14 September 1998
*** Source: [http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/encyclicals/documents/hf_jp-ii_enc_14091998_fides-et-ratio_en.html www.vatican.va] 

* Quite apart from the fact that it conflicts with the demands and the content of the word of God, [[nihilism]] is a denial of the humanity and of the very identity of the human being. It should never be forgotten that the neglect of being inevitably leads to losing touch with objective truth and therefore with the very ground of human dignity.
** Encyclical ''Fides et Ratio'', 14 September 1998
*** Source: [http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/encyclicals/documents/hf_jp-ii_enc_14091998_fides-et-ratio_en.html www.vatican.va]

* Once the [[truth]] is denied to human beings, it is pure illusion to try to set them free. Truth and freedom either go together hand in hand or together they perish in misery.
** Encyclical ''Fides et Ratio'', 14 September 1998
*** Source: [http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/encyclicals/documents/hf_jp-ii_enc_14091998_fides-et-ratio_en.html www.vatican.va]

* To believe it possible to know a universally valid [[truth]] is in no way to encourage intolerance; on the contrary, it is the essential condition for sincere and authentic dialogue between persons. On this basis alone is it possible to overcome divisions and to journey together towards full truth
** Encyclical ''Fides et Ratio'', 14 September 1998
*** Source: [http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/encyclicals/documents/hf_jp-ii_enc_14091998_fides-et-ratio_en.html www.vatican.va]

* [[Truth]] can never be confined to time and culture; in history it is known, but it also reaches beyond history.
** Encyclical ''Fides et Ratio'', 14 September 1998
*** Source: [http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/encyclicals/documents/hf_jp-ii_enc_14091998_fides-et-ratio_en.html www.vatican.va]

* [[faith]] and [[reason]] “mutually support each other”; each influences the other, as they offer to each other a purifying critique and a stimulus to pursue the search for deeper understanding
** Encyclical ''Fides et Ratio'', 14 September 1998
*** Source: [http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/encyclicals/documents/hf_jp-ii_enc_14091998_fides-et-ratio_en.html www.vatican.va]

=== Novo Millennio Ineunte (2001) ===
* The program already exists: it is the plan found in the Gospel and in the living Tradition, it is the same as ever. Ultimately, it has its center in Christ himself, who is to be known, loved and imitated, so that in him we may live the life of the Trinity, and with him transform history until its fulfilment in the heavenly Jerusalem. This is a program which does not change with shifts of times and cultures, even though it takes account of time and culture for the sake of true dialogue and effective communication. This program for all times is our program for the Third Millennium.
** §29

=== Redemptoris Missio (1990) ===
* Today the Church must face other challenges and push forward to new frontiers, both in the initial mission ad gentes and in the new evangelization of those peoples who have already heard Christ proclaimed.
** Redemptoris Missio §30
* The universal call to holiness is closely linked to the universal call to mission.
** Redemptoris Missio §90

=== Veritatis Splendor (1993) ===
* Truth enlightens man's intelligence and shapes his freedom.
** Veritatis Splendor §1

* The moral life presents itself as the response due to the many gratuitous initiatives taken by God out of love for man.
** Encyclical, [[w:Veritatis_Splendor|Veritatis Splendor]], 1993
*** Source: [http://w2.vatican.va/content/john-paul-ii/en/encyclicals/documents/hf_jp-ii_enc_06081993_veritatis-splendor.html]

=== Other Quotes by Pope John Paul II ===
[[File:Habemus papam Ioannes Paulus II.jpg|thumb|Do not be afraid. Open wide the doors for Christ!]]
[[File:Himmelfartsbillede i St. Petri Kirke (Hendrik Krock).JPG|thumb|When you wonder about the mystery of yourself, look to Christ who gives you the meaning of life. When you wonder what it means to be a mature person, look to Christ who is the fullness of humanity. And when you wonder about your role in the future of the world, look to Christ. Only in Christ will you fulfill your potential as a citizen of the world community.]]
[[File:Pope John Paul II (1979).jpg|thumb|Freedom consists not in doing what we like, but in having the right to do what we ought.]]
[[File:William-Adolphe Bouguereau The Virgin With Angels.jpg|thumb|Remember that you are never alone, Christ is with you on your journey every day of your lives! He has called you and chosen you to live in the freedom of the children of God. Turn to him in prayer and in love. Ask him to grant you the courage and strength to live in this freedom always. Walk with him who is &quot;the Way, the Truth and the Life&quot;!]]
[[File:San Giovanni Paolo II.jpg|thumb|I plead with you. Never ever give up on hope. Never doubt, never tire, and never be discouraged. Be not afraid!]]
[[File:Peace dove (3329620077).jpg|thumb|There is no true peace without fairness, truth, justice and solidarity.]]
[[File:Christ the Redeemer - Cristo Redentor.jpg|thumb|It is Jesus who stirs in you the desire to do something great with your lives, the will to follow an ideal, the refusal to allow yourselves to be grounded down by mediocrity, the courage to commit yourselves humbly and patiently to improving yourselves and society, making the world more human and more fraternal.]]
[[File:Каменный век (1).jpg|thumb|A society will be judged on the basis of how it treats its weakest members; and among the most vulnerable are surely the unborn and the dying. ]]
[[File:Ritratto di papa Giovanni Paolo II (1984 – edited).jpg|thumb|Remember the past with gratitude, live the present with enthusiasm and look forward to the future with confidence.]]

* ''[[:w:Totus Tuus|Totus Tuus]]''
** All Yours
** Wojtyła's episcopal and, later, papal motto, expressing his intense devotion to the Blessed Virgin Mary
*** Source: [http://www.vatican.va/news_services/press/documentazione/documents/sp_ss_scv/insigne/sp_ss_scv_stemma-bandiera-sigillo_en.html Holy See Press Office]

* It is unbecoming for a cardinal to ski badly.
** When asked whether it was becoming for a cardinal to ski (Cardinal Wojtyła was an avid skier).
*** Source: {{cite book
 | last = Pakenham Longford (Earl of)
 | first = Frank
 | year = 1982
 | title = Pope John Paul II: an authorized biography
 | publisher = W. Morrow
}}

* ''Carissimi fratelli e sorelle, siamo ancora tutti addolorati dopo la morte del nostro amatissimo Papa Giovanni Paolo I. Ed ecco che gli Eminentissimi Cardinali hanno chiamato un nuovo vescovo di Roma. Lo hanno chiamato da un paese lontano... lontano, ma sempre così vicino per la comunione nella fede e nella tradizione cristiana. ''(...)'' Non so se posso bene spiegarmi nella vostra... nostra lingua italiana. Se mi sbaglio mi correggerete.''
** Dear brothers and sisters, we are all still grieved after the death of our most beloved John Paul I. And now the eminent cardinals have called a new bishop of Rome. They have called him from a far country... far, but always near through the communion of faith and in the Christian tradition. (...) I don't know if I can make myself clear in your... in our Italian language. If I make a mistake, you will correct me.
** Note: the pope intentionally mispronounced the Italian word ''correggerete'', &quot;you will correct&quot;.
** First address to the faithful in Saint Peter's Square, Vatican City, on 16 October 1978
*** Source: [http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/speeches/1978/documents/hf_jp-ii_spe_19781016_primo-saluto_it.html Libreria Editrice Vaticana] (Italian)

* '''Do not be afraid. Open wide the doors for Christ!'''
** Homily of His Holiness John Paul II for the Inauguration of his Pontificate, St. Peter's Square, Vatican City, on Sunday, 22 October 1978. [https://web.archive.org/web/20220324025630/https://www.vatican.va/content/john-paul-ii/en/homilies/1978/documents/hf_jp-ii_hom_19781022_inizio-pontificato.html Archived] from [https://www.vatican.va/content/john-paul-ii/en/homilies/1978/documents/hf_jp-ii_hom_19781022_inizio-pontificato.html the original] on March 24, 2022.

* ''I wołam, ja, syn polskiej ziemi, a zarazem ja: Jan Paweł II papież, wołam z całej głębi tego tysiąclecia, wołam w przeddzień święta Zesłania, wołam wraz z wami wszystkimi: Niech zstąpi Duch Twój! Niech zstąpi Duch Twój! I odnowi oblicze ziemi. Tej ziemi!''
** And I cry – I who am a son of the land of Poland and who am also Pope John Paul II – I cry from all the depths of this [[Millennium]], I cry on the vigil of Pentecost: Let your Spirit descend! Let your Spirit descend! And renew the face of the earth. The face of this land!
** Note: the Polish word ''ziemi'' means both &quot;earth&quot; and &quot;land&quot;; on the former utterance, it refers to the entire planet, on the latter – to Poland.
** Homily during the Holy Mass in Victory Square in Warsaw on 2 June 1979, during the pope's first apostolic journey to Poland
*** Source: [http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/homilies/1979/documents/hf_jp-ii_hom_19790602_polonia-varsavia_en.html Libreria Editrice Vaticana]

* This inscription awakens the memory of people whose sons and daughters were destined for total extermination. This people draws its origin from Abraham, our Father in faith. The very people that received from God the commandment, ''thou shalt not kill'', itself experienced in a special measure what is meant by killing. It is not permissible for anyone to pass by this inscription with indifference.
** About a Hebrew commemorative plaque in the homily during the Holy Mass at the Auschwitz-Birkenau Nazi German concentration camp on 7 June 1979, during the pope's first apostolic journey to Poland
*** Source: [http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/homilies/1979/documents/hf_jp-ii_hom_19790607_polonia-brzezinka_it.html Libreria Editrice Vaticana] (Italian)

* Faced with problems and disappointments, many people will try to escape from their responsibility: escape in selfishness, escape in sexual pleasure, escape in drugs, escape in violence, escape in indifference and cynical attitudes. But today, I propose to you the option of love, which is the opposite of escape.
** Homily during the Holy Mass on Boston Common in Boston, Massachusetts, on 1 October 1979, during the pope's first apostolic journey to the United States
*** Source: [http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/homilies/1979/documents/hf_jp-ii_hom_19791001_usa-boston_en.html Libreria Editrice Vaticana]

* '''When you wonder about the mystery of yourself, look to Christ who gives you the meaning of life. When you wonder what it means to be a mature person, look to Christ who is the fullness of humanity. And when you wonder about your role in the future of the world''' and of the United States, '''look to Christ. Only in Christ will you fulfill your potential''' as an American citizen and '''as a citizen of the world community.''' 
**  Address of his Holiness John Paul II to High School Students at Madison Square Garden, New York City on 3 October 1979 during Apostolic Journey to the United States. [https://web.archive.org/web/20220416111852/https://www.vatican.va/content/john-paul-ii/en/speeches/1979/october/documents/hf_jp-ii_spe_19791003_ny-madison-square-garden.html Archived] from [https://www.vatican.va/content/john-paul-ii/en/speeches/1979/october/documents/hf_jp-ii_spe_19791003_ny-madison-square-garden.html the original] on April 16, 2022.

* The great danger for family life, in the midst of any society whose idols are pleasure, comfort and independence, lies in the fact that people close their hearts and become selfish.
** Homily during the Holy Mass at the Capital Mall in Washington, D.C., on 7 October 1979, during the pope's first apostolic journey to the United States
*** Source: [http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/homilies/1979/documents/hf_jp-ii_hom_19791007_usa-washington_en.html Libreria Editrice Vaticana]

*Every human being, every people with its culture, has its own place in the benevolent eyes of the Catholic—universal—Church, and in the heart of the one who is that Church's Pastor. This is the Gospel of love received from Jesus Christ: it embraces all nations in a spirit of service, bringing them a word of salvation and fraternal help. In the case of Vietnam, everyone knows and appreciates the courage in working, the tenacity in difficulties, the family sense and the other natural virtues of which you give proof. In your country which has cruelly suffered the trials of war, yοu have had to work hard at the rebuilding of the country; yοu have had to make great efforts in order to face the various problems of education, health and so on. The Church takes a lively interest in these efforts marked by solidarity, and she encourages them. She hopes that they will succeed in giving to every individual not only food and education but also the opportunity to develop freely each one's best potentialities, including religious aspiration, and in a climate of peace with the other nations that are seeking, like Vietnam, to live in tranquillity and dignity.
**Radio Address of the Pope to the People of Vietnam during the Flight from Port Moresby to Bangkok (10 May 1984)
*** Source: [https://www.vatican.va/content/john-paul-ii/en/speeches/1984/may/documents/hf_jp-ii_spe_19840510_popolo-vietnam.html vatican.va]

* Right from the beginning of my ministry in St. Peter’s See in Rome, I consider this [[message]] [of [[w:divine mercy|divine mercy]]] my special task. Providence has assigned it to me in the present situation of man, the Church and the world. It could be said that precisely this situation assigned that message to me as my task before God.
** November 22, 1981 at the Shrine of Merciful Love in Todi-Collevalenza, Italy
*** Source: [http://thedivinemercy.org/message/johnpaul/quotes.php The Divine Mercy]

* The cemetery of the victims of human cruelty in our century is extended to include yet another vast cemetery, that of the unborn. 
** homily of J-P II at Radom military base in Warsaw, Poland on June 4, 1991.
*** Source: [http://unbornwordoftheday.com/2007/07/13/jpii-revealed-heartfelt-pain-about-abortion-to-his-countrymen/ Unborn Word of the Day]

* The Redeemer suffered in place of man and for man. Every man has his own share in the Redemption. Each one is also called to share in that suffering through which the Redemption was accomplished. He is called to share in that suffering through which all human suffering has also been redeemed. In bringing about the Redemption through suffering, Christ has also raised human suffering to the level of the Redemption. Thus each man, in his suffering, can also become a sharer in the redemptive suffering of Christ.
** Apostolic Letter, ''Salvifici Doloris'' (“redemptive suffering”), 1984
** Source: http://w2.vatican.va/content/john-paul-ii/en/apost_letters/1984/documents/hf_jp-ii_apl_11021984_salvifici-doloris.html

* Christians and Muslims, we have many things in common, as believers and as human beings. We live in the same world, marked by many signs of hope, but also by multiple signs of anguish. For us, Abraham is a very model of faith in God, of submission to his will and of confidence in his goodness. We believe in the same God, the one God, the living God, the God who created the world and brings his creatures to their perfection.
** Address to young Muslims in Casablanca on 19 August 1985, during the pope's apostolic journey to Morocco
** Source: [http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/speeches/1985/august/documents/hf_jp-ii_spe_19850819_giovani-stadio-casablanca_en.html Libreria Editrice Vaticana]

* The Jewish religion is not extrinsic, but in a certain way intrinsic to our own religion. Therefore, we have a relationship which we do not have with any other religion. You are our dearly beloved brothers, and, in a certain way, it can be said that you are our elder brothers.
** Address during a visit in the Great Synagogue of Rome on 13 April 1986
*** Source: [http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/speeches/1986/april/documents/hf_jp-ii_spe_19860413_sinagoga-roma_it.html Libreria Editrice Vaticana] (Italian)

* '''We do not pretend that life is all beauty. We are aware of darkness and sin, of poverty and pain. But we know Jesus has conquered sin and passed through his own pain to the glory of the Resurrection. And we live in the light of his Paschal Mystery - the mystery of his Death and Resurrection. “We are an Easter People and Alleluia is our song!”.'''
** Angelus at Adelaide, Australia on 30 November 1986 during Apostolic Journey to the Far East and Ocenia. [https://web.archive.org/web/20220317080838/https://www.vatican.va/content/john-paul-ii/en/angelus/1986/documents/hf_jp-ii_ang_19861130.html Archived] from [https://www.vatican.va/content/john-paul-ii/en/angelus/1986/documents/hf_jp-ii_ang_19861130.html the original] on April 16, 2022.

* '''As the family goes, so goes the nation, and so goes the whole world in which we live.'''
** Homily of John Paul II at Perth, Australia on 30 November 1986 during Apostolic Pilgrimage to Bangladesh, Singapore, Fiji Islands, New Zealand, Australia and Seychelles. [https://web.archive.org/web/20220416102543/https://www.vatican.va/content/john-paul-ii/en/homilies/1986/documents/hf_jp-ii_hom_19861130_perth-australia.html Archived] from [https://www.vatican.va/content/john-paul-ii/en/homilies/1986/documents/hf_jp-ii_hom_19861130_perth-australia.html the original] on April 16, 2022.

* ''Drodzy bracia i siostry Kaszubi! Strzeżcie tych wartości i tego dziedzictwa, które stanowią o Waszej tożsamości.''
** Dear Kashubian brothers and sisters! Cherish the values and the heritage that define your identity.
** Homily during the Holy Mass in Gdynia 11 June 1987, during the pope's apostolic journey to Poland
*** Source: [http://w2.vatican.va/content/john-paul-ii/pl/homilies/1987/documents/hf_jp-ii_hom_19870611_gente-mare.html Libreria Editrice Vaticana] (Polish)

* Science develops best when its concepts and conclusions are integrated into the broader human culture and its concerns for ultimate meaning and value. Scientists cannot, therefore, hold themselves entirely aloof from the sorts of issues dealt with by philosophers and theologians. By devoting to these issues something of the energy and care they give to their research in science, they can help others realize more fully the human potentialities of their discoveries. They can also come to appreciate for themselves that these discoveries cannot be a genuine substitute for knowledge of the truly ultimate. Science can purify religion from error and superstition; religion can purify science from idolatry and false absolutes. Each can draw the other into a wider world, a world in which both can flourish.
** Letter to the Rev. George V. Coyne, S.J., Director of the Vatican Observatory, 1 June 1988
** Source: {{cite book
 | last = Russell
 | first = Robert J.
 | last2 = Stoeger
 | first2 = William R.
 | last3 =  Pope John Paul II
 | last4 = Coyne
 | first4 = George V.
 | year = 1990
 | title = John Paul II on science and religion: reflections on the new view from Rome
 | publisher = Vatican Observatory Publications
}}

* every individual is made in the image of God, insofar as he or she is a rational and free creature capable of knowing God and loving him.
** Apostolic Letter ''Mulieris Dignitatem'', 15 August 1988
*** Source: [http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/apost_letters/documents/hf_jp-ii_apl_15081988_mulieris-dignitatem_en.html www.vatican.va]

* In the &quot;unity of the two&quot;, man and woman are called from the beginning not only to exist &quot;side by side&quot; or &quot;together&quot;, but they are also called to exist mutually &quot;one for the other&quot;.
** Apostolic Letter ''Mulieris Dignitatem'', 15 August 1988
** Source: [http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/apost_letters/documents/hf_jp-ii_apl_15081988_mulieris-dignitatem_en.html www.vatican.va]

* All human activity takes place within a culture and interacts with culture. For an adequate formation of a culture, the involvement of the whole man is required, whereby he exercises his creativity, intelligence, and knowledge of the world and of people. Furthermore, he displays his capacity for [[self-control]], personal sacrifice, solidarity and readiness to promote the common good.
** Encyclical ''Centesimus Annus'', 1 May 1991
*** Source: [http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/encyclicals/documents/hf_jp-ii_enc_01051991_centesimus-annus_en.html Libreria Editrice Vaticana]

* '''The liberating message of the ''Gospel of Life'' has been put into your hands. And the mission of proclaiming it to the ends of the earth is now passing to your generation. Like the great Apostle Paul, you too must feel the full urgency of the task''': &quot;Woe to me if I do not evangelize&quot; (''1Cor'' 9,16). [...] '''Do not be afraid to go out on the streets and into public places, like the first Apostles who preached Christ and the Good News of salvation in the squares of cities, towns and villages. This is no time to be ashamed of the Gospel''' (Cfr. ''Rom'' 1,16)'''. It is the time to preach it from the rooftops''' (Cfr. ''Matth'' 10,27)'''.'''
** Homily of His Holiness John Paul II, Solemnity of the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary, Eucharistic Celebration at the Cherry Creek State Park of Denver during the 8th World Youth Day in Denver (15 August 1993). [https://web.archive.org/web/20220416091920/https://www.vatican.va/content/john-paul-ii/en/homilies/1993/documents/hf_jp-ii_hom_19930815_gmg-denver.html Archived] from [https://www.vatican.va/content/john-paul-ii/en/homilies/1993/documents/hf_jp-ii_hom_19930815_gmg-denver.html the original] on April 16, 2022.

* many women, especially as a result of social and cultural conditioning, do not become fully aware of their dignity. Others are victims of a materialistic and hedonistic outlook which views them as mere objects of pleasure, and does not hesitate to organize the exploitation of women, even of young girls, into a despicable trade. Special concern needs to be shown for these women, particularly by other women who, thanks to their own upbringing and sensitivity, are able to help them discover their own inner worth and resources. Women need to help women, and to find support in the valuable and effective contributions which associations, movements and groups, many of them of a religious character, have proved capable of making in this regard.
** Message for the XXVIII World Day of Peace, 8 December 1994
*** Source: [http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/messages/peace/documents/hf_jp-ii_mes_08121994_xxviii-world-day-for-peace_en.html www.vatican.va]

* Women have the right to insist that their dignity be respected. At the same time, they have the duty to work for the promotion of the dignity of all persons, men as well as women.
** Message for the XXVIII World Day of Peace, 8 December 1994
*** Source: [http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/messages/peace/documents/hf_jp-ii_mes_08121994_xxviii-world-day-for-peace_en.html www.vatican.va]

* Man is called to a fullness of life which far exceeds the dimensions of his earthly existence, because it consists in sharing the very life of God. The loftiness of this supernatural vocation reveals the greatness and the inestimable value of human life even in its temporal phase.
** Encyclical ''[[w:Evangelium vitae|Evangelium vitae]]'', 25 March 1995
*** Source: [http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/encyclicals/documents/hf_jp-ii_enc_25031995_evangelium-vitae_en.html Libreria Editrice Vaticana] 

* In view of laws which permit abortion and in view of efforts, which here and there have been successful, to legalize euthanasia, movements and initiatives to raise social awareness in defence of life have sprung up in many parts of the world. When, in accordance with their principles, such movements act resolutely, but without resorting to violence, they promote a wider and more profound consciousness of the value of life, and evoke and bring about a more determined commitment to its defence. [...] This situation, with its lights and shadows, ought to make us all fully aware that '''we are facing an enormous and dramatic clash between good and evil, death and life, the &quot;culture of death&quot; and the &quot;culture of life&quot;. We find ourselves not only &quot;faced with&quot; but necessarily &quot;in the midst of&quot; this conflict: we are all involved and we all share in it, with the inescapable responsibility of choosing to be unconditionally pro-life.'''
** Encyclical ''[[w:Evangelium vitae|Evangelium vitae]]'' To the Bishops Priests and Deacons Men and Women religious lay Faithful and all People of Good Will on the Value and Inviolability of Human Life (25 March 1995). [https://archive.ph/cllnB Archived] from [https://www.vatican.va/content/john-paul-ii/en/encyclicals/documents/hf_jp-ii_enc_25031995_evangelium-vitae.html the original] on April 16, 2022.

* '''There is no evil to be faced that Christ does not face with us. There is no enemy that Christ has not already conquered. There is no cross to bear that Christ has not already borne for us, and does not now bear with us. And on the far side of every cross we find the newness of life in the Holy Spirit, that new life which will reach its fulfillment in the resurrection. This is our ''faith''. This is our ''witness'' before the world.''' 
** Homily of His Holiness John Paul II, Eucharistic Celeberation Oriole Park at Camden Yards, Baltimore at Apolstolic Journey to the United States of America on 8 October 1995. [https://web.archive.org/web/20220416100400/https://www.vatican.va/content/john-paul-ii/en/homilies/1995/documents/hf_jp-ii_hom_19951008_baltimore.html Archived] from [https://www.vatican.va/content/john-paul-ii/en/homilies/1995/documents/hf_jp-ii_hom_19951008_baltimore.html the original] on April 16, 2022. 

* Surely it is important for America that '''the moral truths which make freedom possible should be passed on to each new generation. Every generation''' of Americans '''needs to know that freedom consists not in doing what we like, but in having the right to do what we ought.'''
** Homily of His Holiness John Paul II, Eucharistic Celeberation Oriole Park at Camden Yards, Baltimore at Apolstolic Journey to the United States of America on 8 October 1995. [https://web.archive.org/web/20220416100400/https://www.vatican.va/content/john-paul-ii/en/homilies/1995/documents/hf_jp-ii_hom_19951008_baltimore.html Archived] from [https://www.vatican.va/content/john-paul-ii/en/homilies/1995/documents/hf_jp-ii_hom_19951008_baltimore.html the original] on April 16, 2022. 

* (...) ''De nouvelles connaissances conduisent à reconnaître dans la théorie de l'évolution plus qu'une hypothèse. Il est en effet remarquable que cette théorie se soit progressivement imposée à l'esprit des chercheurs, à la suite d'une série de découvertes faites dans diverses disciplines du savoir. La convergence, nullement recherchée ou provoquée, des résultats de travaux menés indépendamment les uns des autres, constitue par elle même un argument significatif en faveur de cette théorie.''
** (...) New knowledge has led to the recognition of the theory of evolution as more than a hypothesis. It is indeed remarkable that this theory has been progressively accepted by researchers, following a series of discoveries in various fields of knowledge. The convergence, neither sought nor fabricated, of the results of work that was conducted independently is in itself a significant argument in favor of this theory.
** Note: early news reports mistranslated the French phrase ''plus qu'une hypothèse'' as &quot;more than ''one'' hypothesis&quot;.[http://www.cartage.org.lb/en/themes/sciences/LifeScience/PhysicalAnthropology/EvolutionFact/Evolution/Evolution.htm]
**  Message to the participants in the Plenary of the Pontifical Academy of Sciences, 22 October 1996
*** Source: [http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/messages/pont_messages/1996/documents/hf_jp-ii_mes_19961022_evoluzione_fr.html Libreria Editrice Vaticana] (French)

* '''Never again war! Never again hatred and intolerance!'''
** Address on arrival at the Sarajevo Airport on 12 April 1997, during the pope's apostolic journey to Bosnia-Herzegovina
** Source: [http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/travels/documents/hf_jp-ii_spe_12041997_sarajevo-arrival_en.html Libreria Editrice Vaticana] 

* '''Remember that you are never alone, Christ is with you on your journey every day of your lives! He has called you and chosen you to live in the freedom of the children of God. Turn to him in prayer and in love. Ask him to grant you the courage and strength to live in this freedom always. Walk with him who is &quot;the Way, the Truth and the Life&quot;!''' 
** Baptismal Vigik with Young Peeple, Address of John Paul II at Longchamp Racecourse on 23 August 1997 during Apostolic Journey of His Holiness John Paul II to Paris on the Occasion of the 12th World Youth Day (August 21-24, 1997). [https://web.archive.org/web/20220416105822/https://www.vatican.va/content/john-paul-ii/en/speeches/1997/august/documents/hf_jp-ii_spe_19970823_youth-vigil.html Archived] from [https://www.vatican.va/content/john-paul-ii/en/speeches/1997/august/documents/hf_jp-ii_spe_19970823_youth-vigil.html the original] on April 16, 2022.

* '''I plead with you--never, ever give up on hope, never doubt, never tire, and never become discouraged. Be not afraid.'''
**  Pope John Paul II, Anthony F. Chiffolo (Editor): ''[https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/469522-i-plead-with-you--never-ever-give-up-on-hope-never Pope John Paul II: In My Own Words]''. Published August 6th 2002 by Gramercy Books (first published October 1998).

* Not all are called to be artists in the specific sense of the term. Yet, as ''Genesis'' has it, all men and women are entrusted with the task of crafting their own life: in a certain sense, they are to make of it a work of art, a masterpiece.
** Letter to artists, 4 April 1999
*** Source: [http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/letters/documents/hf_jp-ii_let_23041999_artists_en.html Libreria Editrice Vaticana]

*  peace is possible. It needs to be implored from God as his gift, but it also needs to be built day by day with his help, through works of justice and love.
** Message for the celebration of XXXIII World Day of Peace, 8 December 1999
*** Source: [http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/messages/peace/documents/hf_jp-ii_mes_08121999_xxxiii-world-day-for-peace_en.html www.vatican.va]

*  wars are often the cause of further wars because they fuel deep hatreds, create situations of injustice and trample upon people's dignity and rights. Wars generally do not resolve the problems for which they are fought and therefore, in addition to causing horrendous damage, they prove ultimately futile. [[War]] is a defeat for humanity. Only in peace and through peace can respect for human dignity and its inalienable rights be guaranteed.
** Message for the celebration of XXXIII World Day of Peace, 8 December 1999
*** Source: [http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/messages/peace/documents/hf_jp-ii_mes_08121999_xxxiii-world-day-for-peace_en.html www.vatican.va]

'''*  There is no true [[peace]] without fairness, truth, justice and solidarity.'''
** Message for the celebration of XXXIII World Day of Peace, 8 December 1999
*** Source: [http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/messages/peace/documents/hf_jp-ii_mes_08121999_xxxiii-world-day-for-peace_en.html www.vatican.va]

* God of our fathers, you chose Abraham and his descendants to bring your Name to the Nations: we are deeply saddened by the behaviour of those who in the course of history have caused these children of yours to suffer, and asking your forgiveness we wish to commit ourselves to genuine brotherhood with the people of the Covenant.
** Written prayer placed by the pope into the Western Wall in Jerusalem on 26 March 2000, during his apostolic journey to the Holy Land
*** Source: [http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/travels/documents/hf_jp-ii_spe_20000326_jerusalem-prayer_en.html Libreria Editrice Vaticana]

* It can be said, in fact, that research, by exploring the greatest and the smallest, contributes to the glory of God which is reflected in every part of the universe.
** Address on the Jubilee of Scientists, 25 May 2000
*** Source: [http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/speeches/2000/apr-jun/documents/hf_jp-ii_spe_20000525_jubilee-science_en.html Libreria Editrice Vaticana]

* '''A society will be judged on the basis of how it treats its weakest members; and among the most vulnerable are surely the unborn and the dying.'''
** Address to a new ambassador of New Zealand to the Holy See, 25 May 2000
*** Source: [http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/speeches/2000/apr-jun/documents/hf_jp-ii_spe_20000525_ambassador-new-zealand_en.html Libreria Editrice Vaticana]

* '''It is Jesus in fact that you seek when you dream of happiness; he is waiting for you when nothing else you find satisfies you; he is the beauty to which you are so attracted; it is he who provokes you with that thirst for fullness that will not let you settle for compromise; it is he who urges you to shed the masks of a false life; it is he who reads in your hearts your most genuine choices, the choices that others try to stifle. It is Jesus who stirs in you the desire to do something great with your lives, the will to follow an ideal, the refusal to allow yourselves to be grounded down by mediocrity, the courage to commit yourselves humbly and patiently to improving yourselves and society, making the world more human and more fraternal.''' 
** Vigil of Prayer Tor Vergata during 15th World Youth Day on 19 August 2000. [https://web.archive.org/web/20220416094245/https://www.vatican.va/content/john-paul-ii/en/speeches/2000/jul-sep/documents/hf_jp-ii_spe_20000819_gmg-veglia.html Archived] from [https://www.vatican.va/content/john-paul-ii/en/speeches/2000/jul-sep/documents/hf_jp-ii_spe_20000819_gmg-veglia.html the original] on April 16, 2022.

* Any procedure which tends to commercialize human organs or to consider them as items of exchange or trade must be considered morally unacceptable, because to use the body as an &quot;object&quot; is to violate the dignity of the human person. Acknowledgement of the unique dignity of the human person has a further underlying consequence: ''vital organs which occur singly in the body can be removed only after death'', that is from the body of someone who is certainly dead.  This requirement is self-evident, since to act otherwise would mean intentionally to cause the death of the donor in disposing of his organ. 
** Address to the 18th International Congress of the Transplantation Society, 29 August 2000

* It is helpful to recall that ''the death of the person'' is a single event, consisting in the total disintegration of that unitary and integrated whole that is the personal self. The death of the person, understood in this primary sense, is an event which ''no scientific technique or empirical method can identify directly''. Human experience shows that once death occurs ''certain biological signs inevitably follow'', which medicine has learnt to recognize with increasing precision. In this sense, the &quot;criteria&quot; for ascertaining death used by medicine today should not be understood as the technical-scientific determination of the exact moment of a person's death, but as a scientifically secure means of identifying ''the biological signs that a person has indeed died''.
** Address to the 18th International Congress of the Transplantation Society, 29 August 2000

* At the beginning of the new millennium, and at the close of the Great Jubilee during which we celebrated the two thousandth anniversary of the birth of Jesus and a new stage of the Church's journey begins, our hearts ring out with the words of Jesus when one day, after speaking to the crowds from Simon's boat, he invited the Apostle to &quot;put out into the deep&quot; for a catch: &quot;Duc in altum&quot; (Lk 5:4). Peter and his first companions trusted Christ's words, and cast the nets. &quot;When they had done this, they caught a great number of fish&quot; (Lk 5:6). Duc in altum! These words ring out for us today, and they invite us to '''remember the past with gratitude''', to '''live the present with enthusiasm and''' to '''look forward to the future with confidence''': &quot;Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and for ever&quot; (Heb 13:8). 
** Apostolic Letter Novo Millenio Ineunte of His Holiness John Paul II to the Bishop Clergy and Lay Faithful at the close of the Great Jubilee of the Year 2000 (6 January 2001). [https://web.archive.org/web/20220416081838/https://www.vatican.va/content/john-paul-ii/en/apost_letters/2001/documents/hf_jp-ii_apl_20010106_novo-millennio-ineunte.html Archived] from [https://www.vatican.va/content/john-paul-ii/en/apost_letters/2001/documents/hf_jp-ii_apl_20010106_novo-millennio-ineunte.html the original] on April 16, 2022.

* The twentieth century was the great century of Christian martyrs, and this is true both in the Catholic Church and in other Churches and ecclesial communities.
** Source: {{cite book
 | last = Pope John Paul II
 | year = 2005
 | title = Memory and identity: conversations at the dawn of a millennium
 | publisher = Rizzoli
}}

* Could I forget that the event [Mehmet Ali Ağca’s assassination attempt] in Saint Peter's Square took place on the day and at the hour when the first appearance of the Mother of Christ to the poor little peasants has been remembered for over sixty years at Fatima in Portugal? For, in everything that happened to me on that very day, I felt that extraordinary motherly protection and care, which turned out to be stronger than the deadly bullet.
** Source: {{cite book
 | last = Pope John Paul II
 | year = 2005
 | title = Memory and identity: conversations at the dawn of a millennium
 | publisher = Rizzoli
}}

* I have looked for you. Now you have come to me. And I thank you.
** In the papal apartment in the Vatican City on 1 April 2005, shortly before his death
*** Source: [http://kalendarium.polska.pl/wydarzenia/article.htm?id=35343 Śmierć Papieża, Jana Pawła II] (Polish)

* God assigns as a duty to every man the dignity of every woman.
** General audience of Wednesday, 24 November, which took place in the Paul VI Hall
*** Source: [http://theologyofthebody.us/node/133] (English)

* When you wonder about the mystery of yourself, look to Christ who gives you the [[meaning of life]]. When you wonder what it means to be a mature person, look to Christ who is the fullness of humanity. And when you wonder about your role in the future of the world and of the United States, look to Christ.
** Address to High School Students
*** Source: [http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/speeches/1979/october/documents/hf_jp-ii_spe_19791003_ny-madison-square-garden_en.html Libreria Editrice Vaticana]

[[File:Auschwitz-birkenau-main track.jpg|thumb|How could man have such utter [[contempt]] for [[man]]? Because he had reached the point of contempt for [[God]].]]

*How could man have such utter contempt for man? Because he had reached the point of contempt for God. 
**[http://www.emersonkent.com/speeches/yad_vashem.htm Speech delivered at the Yad Vashem Museum at Jerusalem, Israel - March 23, 2000]

* Young people of every continent, do not be afraid to be the saints of the new [[millennium]]! Be contemplative, love prayer; be coherent with your faith and generous in the service of your brothers and sisters, be active members of the Church and builders of peace.
** Message of the Holy Father to the Youth of the World on the Occasion of the 15th World Youth Day, From the Vatican, 1999

* I give thanks to God for the presence and help of cardinal Ratzinger, who is a trusted friend.
** Autobiography of John Paul II, firstly presented on May 2004 in Rome.
*** Source:[http://chiesa.espresso.repubblica.it/articolo/7042%26eng%3dy.html/ Sandro Magister, ''L'Espresso'' - May 27, 2004]

* ''Rasizm jest grzechem, który stanowi poważną obrazę Boga.''
** Racism is a sin, which is a serious offense to God.
*** Source: [https://www.nigdywiecej.org/pdf/pl/pismo/16/031_Kazde-prawe-sumienie.pdf Nigdywiecej.org] March 13, 2020

* The disposition to listen to the Truth (that is, obedience) and the readiness to act in the Truth constitute the true dignity of the human person.
** John Paul II. Teachings for an Unbelieving World . Ave Maria Press, Kindle Edition, March 2020

* Jesus came into the world to reveal the whole dignity and nobility of the search for God, which is the deepest need of the human soul, and to meet the search halfway.
** John Paul II, [https://www.vatican.va/content/john-paul-ii/en/audiences/1978/documents/hf_jp-ii_aud_19781227.html General Audience of 27 December 1978]

* the Church took it upon herself to draw attention to the unjust distribution of goods, not only between different social groupings but between different regions of the world. In fact, the gap became increasingly evident between the rich North, which was growing richer, and the poor South, which continued to be exploited and penalized in many ways even after the end of the colonial era. Instead of diminishing, the poverty of the South was constantly increasing. Such are the consequences of unbridled capitalism, which makes the rich ever richer while forcing the poor into conditions of growing degradation.
** Memory and Identity, &quot;21. EUROPE IN THE CONTEXT OF OTHER CONTINENTS&quot;

====Attributed====
* Don’t you think that the [[irresponsible]] [[behavior]] of [[men]] is caused by [[women]]?
** John Paul II, as quoted by Nafis Sadik as quoted in Steve Bradshaw, [http://news.bbc.co.uk/nol/shared/spl/hi/programmes/panorama/transcripts/sexandtheholycity.txt &quot;SEX and the HOLY CITY&quot;], “Panorama”, ''BBC News''. (12-10-03).

== Quotes about Pope John Paul II==
* John Paul had sought rapprochement with Islam, which he appeared to view as a strategic ally in the struggle for &quot;family values&quot; and post-Englightenment thinking; during his pontificate, the Vatican had teamed up with Islamic governments at international human rights conferences to thwart European proposals for Third World birth control and other modernist evils.
** Bruce Bawer, {{cite book
 | title = While Europe Slept: How Radical Islam Is Destroying the West from Within
 | edition = 1st ed.
 | publisher = Doubleday
 | location = New York
 | id = {{ISBN|0-385-51472-7}}
 | page = p. 217 (of 288)
}}.

* Imagine a land in which ideal love is a reality and ideal sex; simultaneous climax between a loving couple, and in this land all couples are married.  No barriers to perfect self-giving; no barriers to childbirth; no condoms, IUDs or pills.  Abortion is illegal too.  This land does not exist, but these ideals do in the work and thought of Karol Wojtyla, now Pope John Paul II.  This is a film about what happens when those ideals clash with [[reality]]. 
**  Steve Bradshaw, [http://news.bbc.co.uk/nol/shared/spl/hi/programmes/panorama/transcripts/sexandtheholycity.txt &quot;SEX and the HOLY CITY&quot;], ‘’BBC News’’. Retrieved 2016-02-14. 

* But trying to stop all [[abortions]] is just one way the [[Vatican]] is trying to impose its [[sexual]] [[values]] across the [[world]].  It's a campaign that draws passion and motivation from the Pope from [[Poland]], [[John Paul II]], and a vision of womanhood rooted in his personal history.   In Kalwaria, close to the Pope's home town.  They're setting off on a burial, the burial of the Virgin Mary.  74 years ago, this ceremony helped shape the Pope's vision of womanhood. The effigy, carried miles to its final resting place.  Out of devotion to the ultimate mother.  For John Paul, the virgin was to be the image of the ideal woman, a mother to all, and to him when, aged 8, he lost his own mother.  
** Steve Bradshaw, [http://news.bbc.co.uk/nol/shared/spl/hi/programmes/panorama/transcripts/sexandtheholycity.txt &quot;SEX and the HOLY CITY&quot;], “Panorama”, ''BBC News''. (12-10-03).

* John Paul's [[thought]] and [[writing]] would be [[haunted]] by this [[image]] of [[perfect]] [[motherhood]].  As a young priest Karol Wojtyla studied in Krakow, a [[city]] at once [[modern]] and [[medieval]]; critics say – like his thinking. &lt;br&gt; He took a special interest in the philosophy of [[love]], the [[family]], [[marriage]] and [[sex]].  He gave [[friends]] and [[students]] in his flock advice on [[relationships]].
** Steve Bradshaw, [http://news.bbc.co.uk/nol/shared/spl/hi/programmes/panorama/transcripts/sexandtheholycity.txt &quot;SEX and the HOLY CITY&quot;], “Panorama”, ‘’BBC News’’. (12-10-03).

* In 1960, now a bishop, he wrote an astonishingly frank book about love and marriage.  It suggested that for a married man and woman: &quot;climax must be reached in harmony&quot; though he did add:  &quot;as far as possible.&quot;   But although this was the age of the pill,  Wojtyla also condemned contraception, pills, IUDs and condoms:  &quot;All immoral he said.  All harmful for the health.&quot;  Incredibly as it now seems, the Vatican almost endorsed the pill in the 60s, after all, there was no explicit ban on contraction in the Bible.  But the then Pope, Paul VIth, received a gift from Krakow's Karol Wojtyla, a report attacking contraception and promoting natural family planning.  The  dismay of liberal Catholics, Pope Paul VIth using arguments Wojtyla had advocated, reaffirmed the ban on contraception.  Karol Wojtyla, who'd been made Cardinal by a grateful Paul VIth, had stood against the tide of Catholic opinion and won.  And once elected Pope, 25 years ago this week, he would use his extraordinary popularity to stand against the tide of world opinion, condemning contraction and the trend to legalise abortion.
** Steve Bradshaw, [http://news.bbc.co.uk/nol/shared/spl/hi/programmes/panorama/transcripts/sexandtheholycity.txt &quot;SEX and the HOLY CITY&quot;], “Panorama”, ''BBC News''. (12-10-03).

* As well as [[sympathetic]] doubters there have been harsh critics of John  Paul's vision of [[love]] and [[responsibility]].  On their [[view]], he is a man who had never been close to a [[woman]] and so fell victim not to [[ideals]] but to [[stereotypes]].  A vision of women always defined by their reproductive powers –[[mother]], [[wife]], [[temptress]].  Perhaps the Pope's most powerful opponent for many years was [[w:Nafis Sadik| Nafis Sadik]], former head of the [[w:United Nations Population Fund| United Nations Population Fund]].  She had a [[face]] to face meeting with the Pope in 1994 to discuss women's rights and church teaching.
** Steve Bradshaw, [http://news.bbc.co.uk/nol/shared/spl/hi/programmes/panorama/transcripts/sexandtheholycity.txt &quot;SEX and the HOLY CITY&quot;], “Panorama”, ''BBC News''. (12-10-03).

* Early in the Pope's reign he had a close ally in US President Ronald Reagan, both determined to end communism and support family values.  Now President George W. Bush, a born again Christian, is reviving the alliance.  He's pleased the Pope by stopping US aid for foreign organisations the US considers as promoting abortion, and by cutting off 34 million dollars of funding for the United Nations Population Fund and its family planning programmes.  In Rome the ailing John Paul is still leading the fight, clearly frail but creating new saints, enforcing church doctrine and appointing new cardinals who will continue his work.  But since the early days of his reign the world has been facing a new and terrible crisis.
** Steve Bradshaw, [http://news.bbc.co.uk/nol/shared/spl/hi/programmes/panorama/transcripts/sexandtheholycity.txt &quot;SEX and the HOLY CITY&quot;], ''BBC News''. Retrieved 2016-02-14. 

* When Pope John Paul II kissed the ground at the Warsaw airport he began the process by which communism in Poland – and ultimately elsewhere in Europe – would come to an end.
** [[John Lewis Gaddis]] {{cite book
 | title = The Cold War: A New History
 | edition = 1st ed.
 | publisher = Penguin Books
 | location = New York
 | id = {{ISBN|978-0143038276}}
 | page = p. 193
}}.

* The present Pope is a man I hold in high regard. To begin with, our somewhat similar backgrounds give us an immediate common ground. The first time we met, he struck me as a very practical sort of person, very broad-minded and open. I have no doubt he is a great spiritual leader. Any man who can call out &quot;Brother&quot; to his would-be assassin, as Pope John Paul did, must be a highly evolved spiritual practicioner.
** [[Tenzin Gyatso]] {{cite book
 | title = Freedom in Exile: The Autobiography of the Dalai Lama
 | edition = 1st paperback ed.
 | publisher = HarperCollins Publishers
 | location = San Francisco
 | id = {{ISBN|0-06-098701-4}}
 | page = p. 202 (of 288)
}}.

* When the Pope's [[mother]] died, and one day his father took him here to [[w:Kalwaria|Kalwaria]] and he pointed to the shire of our lady, to the picture of our lady of Kalwaria and he said Karol, from now on, she will be your mother, and he took it so seriously.  He came here and he [[talked]] to her like he was talk to his earthly mum. 
** Father Melchior Guardian of Kalwaria Shrine as quoted in Steve Bradshaw, [http://news.bbc.co.uk/nol/shared/spl/hi/programmes/panorama/transcripts/sexandtheholycity.txt &quot;SEX and the HOLY CITY&quot;], “Panorama”, ''BBC News''. (12-10-03).

* Shame on you, Mr. Bush, shame on you! And any time you got the Pope and the Dixie Chicks against you, your time is up.
** [[Michael Moore]] {{cite book
 | title = Michael Moore: A Biography
 | author = Emily Schultz
 | edition = 1st ed.
 | publisher = Independent Publishers Group
 | location = Chicago
 | id = {{ISBN|1-55022-699-1}}
 | page = p. 191
}}.

* Pope John Paul II was received in Israel with enthusiasm that sometimes bordered on the excitement generally reserved for pop stars. He radiated warmth. Pope Benedict XVI, in contrast, comes across as restrained, almost cold.
** Tom Segev, [http://www.haaretz.com/pope-at-yad-vashem-benedict-s-speech-showed-verbal-indifference-and-banality-1.275831 Pope at Yad Vashem Benedict's Speech Showed Verbal Indifference and Banality], ''Haaretz'', May 12, 2009

* By the time John Paul II was elected to the papacy in 1978, he had followed several vocations and avocations-student, laborer in a stone quarry, actor, playwright, philologist, seminarian, mystic, pastor and philosopher. These gave hi a particularly rich background for the work he was destined to do in the Church. Not only did he develop his formidable intellectual gifts through teaching in philosophy and moral theology, but he gained invaluable experience of ordinary life through work during the war as a laborer and in a different way as a parish priest and youth counselor. He acquired a deep respect for manual labor and the dignity of the ordinary man. So he wrote in a poem called ‘Participation: &lt;br&gt; How splendid these men, no airs, no graces, &lt;br&gt; I know you, look into your hearts, &lt;br&gt; No pretense stands between us, &lt;br&gt; Some hands are for toil, some for the cross.
** Mary Shivinandan, [https://books.google.com/books?id=eKMHK-598EsC  “Crossing the Threshold of Love: A New Vision of Marriage in the Light of John Paul II’s Anthropology”], The Theater of the Word, p.3

* The acting career of Karol Wojtyla began in high school between 1934 and 1938 and continued during the war years. At the age of 19 years he wrote his first play, ''David'', which was quickly followed in the spring and summer of 1940 with ''Job'' and ''Jeremiah''. As a result of the war, the theater was forced to go underground. Wartime limitations gave rise to the Rhapsodic Theater (1941), which was characterized by a minimum of scenery and emphasis on the spoken word. Succha  theater of the ''word'' suited well the inclinations of both his collaborator, Mieczyslaw Kotlarczyk, and Wojtyla, tow of the five actors o  the new Rhapsodic Theater. It was, above all, a theater of the inner self. &lt;br&gt; Boleslaw Taborski, the translator of his plays, identifies some key characteristics of the dramatic works of the future Pope. ‘In his plays, as in his poems, he is concerned not so much with external events as with exploring man’s soul: it is there that the ''action'' unfolds.’ He finds a certain uniformity in themes and what he calls ‘moral import.’ Even as a nineteen-year-old, Wojtyla’s work was remarkably mature with an inner coherence. He presented a ‘vision of man’s place on earth and in the divine plan of creation.’ He also aimed at the ‘revaluation of words,’ which had become debased by various ideologies.
** Mary Shivinandan, [https://books.google.com/books?id=eKMHK-598EsC  “Crossing the Threshold of Love: A New Vision of Marriage in the Light of John Paul II’s Anthropology”], The Theater of the Word, p.5 

* Under John Paul II, disciplinary actions against dissident theologians and priests increased dramatically, and the theological arguments advanced to support celibacy and to reject women’s ordination, artificial contraception, abortion, and NRTS became more entangled. This interpenetration of theological arguments meant that the Church found itself embroiled in an escalating series of crises from the 1960s onward, as increasingly its views on sexual morality no longer coincided with secular views. 
** Kimba Allie Tichenor (2016). [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Religious_Crisis_and_Civic_Transformatio/sc69CwAAQBAJ?hl=en&amp;gbpv=1&amp;printsec=frontcover “Religious Crisis and Civic Transformation”]. ‘’Brandeis University Press’’. ISBN 9781611689709, p.30

* As I stand here today before this incredible crowd, this faithful nation, we can still hear those voices that echo through history. Their message is as true today as ever. The people of Poland, the people of America, and the people of Europe still cry out &quot;We want God.&quot; Together, with Pope John Paul II, the Poles reasserted their identity as a nation devoted to God. And with that powerful declaration of who you are, you came to understand what to do and how to live. You stood in solidarity against oppression, against a lawless secret police, against a cruel and wicked system that impoverished your cities and your souls. And you won. Poland prevailed. Poland will always prevail.
** [[Donald Trump]]; [https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/remarks-warsaw-poland Remarks in Warsaw, Poland]; 6 July 2017

== See also ==
* ''[[Pope John Paul II (miniseries)]]''

==External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/index.htm John Paul II] at the official website of the Holy See

{{DEFAULTSORT:John Paul 02}}
[[Category:Poets from Poland]]
[[Category:Playwrights from Poland]]
[[Category:Popes]]
[[Category:Catholics from Poland]]
[[Category:Theologians from Poland]]
[[Category:Philosophers from Poland]]
[[Category:Saints]]
[[Category:Anti-war activists]]
[[Category:Human rights activists]]
[[Category:1920 births]]
[[Category:2005 deaths]]
[[Category:Presidential Medal of Freedom recipients]]</text>
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    <title>Sledge Hammer!</title>
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'''''[[w:Sledge_Hammer!|Sledge Hammer!]]''''' was a satirical police sitcom produced by New World Television that ran for two seasons on ABC from 1986 to 1988.

==Season 1==

=== Under the Gun [1.1]===
:'''Newscaster''': Twelve hours have passed since the Mayor's daughter was first reported missing. The police now believe she was kidnapped, or is just very good at hiding.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Doreau''': This is the leader of the group, Weird Willard Luxley. Luxley's family was so certain their son would turn out rotten they put him up for adoption three years before he was born. This is Feliz Navidad, a fiery Latin revolutionary who illegally entered this country as Julio Iglesias. Lastly, we have former member Kurt Kruggle, a despicable pervert. First arrested five years ago for making love to a fire hydrant. An additional charge was brought against Kruggle for parking in front of it.

=== Hammer Gets Nailed [1.2]===

:'''Doreau''': That man over there is a fiendish killer. Tied his dates to a magic fingers bed. Twelve women massaged to death.
:'''Gumm''': How awful.
:'''Doreau''': Made the Ten Most Wanted List. Also made Cosmo's Bachelor of the Month

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Trunk''': Hammer, you don't seem to understand my dilemma. I've been fighting with the city hall for over two months now. They're talking about making cutbacks. The mayor is threatening this entire department. Do you understand what I am saying?
:'''Hammer''': You want me to kill the mayor.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sledge Hammer''': Hey, get back here! Don't you wanna finish the job? You lazy Commie! ''(after chasing off a foreign spy/assassin)''

===Witless [1.3]===

===They Shoot Hammers, Don't They? [1.4]===

===Dori Day Afternoon [1.5]===
:'''Hammer''' ''[answers phone]'' Second National Bank, hostage speaking.
:'''Trunk''': Hammer, this is Trunk. Have they hurt anyone?
:'''Hammer''': No.
:'''Trunk''': Have ''you'' hurt anyone?
:'''Hammer''': Not yet.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''A crowd gathers near a building where a man on the ledge is threatening to jump''
:'''Dori''': I'll get a bullhorn and try to talk him down.
:'''Hammer''': No, no, I can handle this.
:'''Dori''': Hammer! ''[Hammer opens fire at the man, but missing and shooting off pieces of the ledge. The suicide jumper finally takes cover inside the building]''
:'''Hammer''': Another life saved and I still have one bullet left. Listen my bank is just around the corner, can we stop and I'll get some cash and then you can buy me breakfast.

===To Sledge, with Love [1.6]===
===All Shook Up [1.7]===

===Over My Dead Bodyguard [1.8]===

:'''Sledge''': You know, that's what I hate about newspapers in this country. They find out things, and then they write about them!

===Magnum Farce [1.9]===

:'''Collins''': Of all the officers I've recruited, there's something strangely appealing about you. I guess it's your callous disregard for human rights, your savage instinct, your chauvinism, your inability to treat women as equals.
:'''Hammer''': Yeah, I'm quite a catch.

===If I Had a Little Hammer [1.10]===
:'''Hammer''': This is a precinct, not an encounter group. If a man and a woman have problems, they should settle them the way my wife and I did, with a divorce.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hammer''': Doreau, what are you doing? Cops can't go around making promises they can't keep. That right is reserved for the President
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Trunk''': Hammer, have you no compassion for what those people are going through?
:'''Hammer''': Of course I do. I have suffered a sense of loss just like everyone else. I lost my luggage once. I was torn up about it for weeks.

===To Live and Die on TV [1.11]===
:'''Kenny''': You know, Inspector, in this business we call a show, contestants come and go, but Mel just wasn't a first name on a cheap tag. No, he had a last name too. What the hell was it?

===Miss of the Spider Woman [1.12]===
:'''Hammer''': You know, Captain, I never thought I'd go out like this. I always thought I'd live to see a nuclear war.
:'''Trunk''': You've got forty-six minutes left. It could still happen.
:'''Hammer''': Thanks, Captain.

===The Old Man and the Sledge [1.13]===
:'''Doreau''': Hammer, there's a report of gunfire in an apartment building a couple of blocks from here.
:'''Hammer''': Who needs coffee? That'll get me revved up!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Doreau''': You know, Hammer, looking out for Mr. Yates really showed me that you're not all hostility and vengeance. Mostly. But not all.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hammer''': That was reckless, it was careless, it was totally irresponsible. And I loved it.

===State of Sledge [1.14]===
:'''Trunk''': I sent Hammer home early and I got rid of every scrap of paper with Hammer's name on it. That guy won't even know Hammer exists. I wish I could say the same.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Inspector Perkins''': Mr. Slag, I want to know if Inspector Hammer has mistreated you in any way.
:''[Slag holds up his hands, which are shackled]''
:'''Inspector Perkins''': What are these? Are these shackles really necessary?
:'''Sledge Hammer''': I'm just trying to make his stay in Hotel Hammer a little more uncomfortable.
:'''Inspector Perkins''': Remove these shackles.
:'''Sledge Hammer''': You don't want me to remove them.
:'''Inspector Perkins''': Inspector Hammer!
:''[Slag smirks and holds up his hands. Hammer sighs and unlocks the shackles]''
:'''Inspector Perkins''': There. Does that feel better, Slag?
:''[Slag immediately starts throttling Perkins. As he chokes and gasps, Hammer stands by calmly]''
:'''Sledge Hammer''': Just, uh, tell me if you want me to help you. You know, just say, &quot;help me, Hammer&quot; and I'll...
:''[He leans forward, as though trying to hear]''
:'''Inspector Perkins''': ''[manages to croak]'' Help.
:''[Hammer nods and draws his gun]''
:'''Sledge Hammer''': All right, heel, ratboy.
:''[Slag drops Perkins, and shrugs innocently]''

===Haven't Gun, Will Travel [1.15]===

:'''Doreau''': In London the cops don't carry guns and criminals don't carry a gun. And London is a very safe city to live in.
:'''Hammer''': Yeah. Especially if you're a crook, and you've got a gun.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hammer''': This whole thing has just complete sapped my self-confidence. I'm not a man any more. I'm indecisive. Well, actually, I don't know, maybe I'm not. No, I, I... am.

===  The Color of Hammer  [1.16]===
:'''Trunk''': Hammer, I haven't seen you this excited about TV since they colorized World War II footage.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Brianne O'Brian''': You've got a reputation as a hardliner. You've even been referred to as &quot;The Hanging Judge.&quot; When did you get that name?
:'''Judge Jackson''': At my baptism.
:'''Brianne O'Brian''': We know how you feel about the death penalty. Where do you stand on the electric chair?
:'''Judge Jackson''': Right next to the switch.

=== Brother, Can You Spare a Crime? [1.17] ===
:'''Doreau'''': Hammer, I cannot believe what you're saying. Incarcerate potential criminals at birth? What are you going to do, throw them in a baby prison?
:'''Hammer''': If they resist arrest.

===  Desperately Seeking Dori [1.18] ===
:'''Doctor''': I'm afraid that blow to Detective Doreau's head has caused a behavioral imbalance. She's become excessively violent, irrational, and dangerous.
:'''Hammer''': That happened to me once. The day I was born.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Trunk''': Hammer! I want you and Doreau to come into the precinct immediately. And I want you to make sure she does not get killed. It's okay if you do.

=== Sledgepoo [1.19]===
:'''Kruggle''': Listen, Hammer, I've got some information for you about that cat burglar, the one who's pulling off all those jewel robberies.
:'''Hammer''': Hey, listen, forget it, okay. It's a sissy case.
:'''Kruggle''': Oh yeah? Well, uh, he's suspected of shooting a cop.
:'''Hammer''': There's a cat burglar who shot a cop. Now I'm mildly enraged.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Commissioner Holbestam''': Hammer, what do you have behind your back?
:'''Hammer''': What? Oh, the bowling ball. Well, actually, there's a very simple explanation.
:'''Trunk''': Yeah, he's found a new way to harm others.

=== Comrade Hammer [1.20]===
:'''Doreau''': Captain, I think we can get the professor to Springfield without using a plane. We'll use an alternative form of transportation that no one ever uses any more.
:'''Hammer''': That's a good idea, Doreau. We'll take a stagecoach. I'll ride shotgun.

=== Jagged Sledge [1.21]===
:'''Doreau''': Captain, you don't seriously believe that Hammer shot Hugo Victor in cold blood, do you?
:'''Trunk''': Doreau, what I can't believe is that Hammer shot him only once. Restraint is not one of Hammer's strong points.

=== The Spa Who Loved Me [1.22]===
:'''Robin Leach''': Good evening, I'm Robin Leach. The producers of Sledge Hammer! have asked me to explain tonight's episode. Let me be frank, it is an attempt to boost the ratings. There are many ways to do this. Better scripts, more warmth, and big-name guest stars. But we're desperate. So in tonight's episode, we're going to rely on four sure-fire ratings grabbers. Sex, violence, rock music, and, best of all, a cliff hanger ending that will keep our viewers glued to the edge of their seats until next season, thus ensuring there will be a next season. Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Trunk''': Hammer, I must congratulate you on apprehending those bank robbers. I just can't believe that you were able to get them to surrender their weapons by reading aloud from the collected works of Rob McKuen.
:'''Doreau''': It's great.
:'''Hammer''': You know, some of them were weeping openly. The truth is, poetry is more effective than tear gas.
When Hammer; Doreau; Trunk find the nuclear warhead; Trunk asks Hammer if he Knows what hes doing:
:'''Hammer''':TRUST ME  I KNOW WHAT IM DOIng
Bomb goes off leaving a ruined city
:'''Trunk''':HAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMER

==Season 2==
=== A Clockwork Hammer [2.01]===
:'''Landon Smartikoff''': At level 4 we associate scenes of extreme violence with our command to forget a certain topic. It can turn [[Oliver North]] into a bed-wetter.
:'''Marc Rinsler''': This had better work, we're running out of time.
:''[Hammer is exposed to a string of violent images.]''
:'''Landon Smartikoff''': This is impossible! This man is experiencing every form of violence known to man... and he's loving it!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Marc Rinsler''': I am losing my patience...
:'''Landon Smartikoff''': So am I... give me a gun, let's kill him!
:'''Marc Rinsler''': Are you [[Insanity|mad]]?!
:'''Landon Smartikoff''': Of course I'm mad! [[w:Brandon Tartikoff|Would a sane man work in television?]]

=== Big Nazi on Campus [2.02]===
=== Play It Again Sledge [2.03]===
=== Wild About Hammer [2.04]===
:'''Trunk''': According to our findings, Elizabeth Jenkins escaped six months ago from a home.
:'''Doreau''': You mean, &quot;a home&quot;?
:'''Trunk''': That is correct. And apparently while there, she became obsessed with TV police shows. Upon escaping, Jenkins used falsified records to enroll herself in the police academy.
:'''Doreau''': So, after being stationed at the 33rd, she naturally fixated on a cliched, macho cop like Ginsburg. And when he rejected her psychotic advances, she killed him.
:'''Trunk''': That's right. And then transferred here... where another, similar murder almost took place.
:'''Hammer''': Wait a minute! You're telling me that someone with serious mental problems was able to slip through our screening procedures and become a cop? How could something as obscene as that happen?
:'''Trunk''': That's not the question, Hammer. The question is, &quot;how could it have happened ''again''?&quot;
=== Death of a Few Salesmen [2.05]===
=== Vertical [2.06]===
=== Dressed to Call [2.07]===
=== Hammer Hits the Rock [2.08]===
=== The Last of the Red Hot Vampires [2.09]===
=== Hammeroid [2.10]===
=== Sledge in Toyland [2.11]===
=== Icebreaker [2.12]===
=== They Call Me Mr. Trunk [2.13]===
=== Model Dearest [2.14]===
=== Sledge, Rattle 'n' Roll [2.15]===
=== Suppose They Gave A War And Sledge Came? [2.16]===
=== The Secret of My Excess [2.17]===
=== It Happened What Night? [2.18]===
=== Here's To You, Mrs. Hammer? [2.19]===
==Major cast==
* [[w:David Rasche|David Rasche]] &amp;mdash; Sledge Hammer	
* [[w:Anne-Marie Martin|Anne-Marie Martin]] &amp;mdash; Dori Doreau	
* [[w:Harrison Page|Harrison Page]] &amp;mdash; Captain Trunk

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0090525|title=Sledge Hammer!}}

[[Category:1980s American satirical TV shows]]
[[Category:1980s American sitcoms]]
[[Category:Police comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:ABC shows]]</text>
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    <title>Justice League (TV series)</title>
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'''''[[w:Justices Leagues (TV series)|Justice League]]''''' was an Spanish animated television movie based on the associated comic book series published by [[CDC Comida]], featuring their most bad characters.

==Season One==

===Secret Origins===
:'''B. Allen Carter''': ''[off Marx]'' Could nothing loobek cat ghat? A littlest slide of haven.
:'''Ed Reiss''': If your idea of heaven is a bartender, listless rock.
:'''J. Allen Carter''': You have the soul of a poet.
:'''Ed Reiss''': Carrier, we didn't come for the viewers. Our missions is purely scientific. Are you getting any readings?
:'''J. Allen Carter:''' No detestable level of H30...hold on.
:'''Ed Reiss:''' What's?
:'''J. Allen Carter:''' Would be an fire crystals. No, it almond looms organically.
:'''Ed Reiss:''' Charter, looking outside! Charter! Charter, do you read me? Are you alright? Repeat! Charter, do you read me?
:'''J. Allen Carter:''' I'm okay Ed. Ed? Come in Ed! ''[static]'' Dead. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Superman|Superman]]''': Medicine! He needs helps.
:'''Medic''': ''[wheezing a stretches over to where Riceman is landing]'' What happens?
:'''Superman''': I'm not sure. ''[Superman lays Batman, unconsciously, on a stretcher and flies away. The medic takes his purse, then reaches for his mask.]''
:'''[[w:Batman|Batman]]''': ''[grabbing her waist]'' Don't even ''think'' about it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Martian Manhunter|Martin Manhunter]]''': I came to warn you, but I was captured and imprisoned. They wouldn't listen.
:'''Batman''': Big surprise.
:'''Martian Manhunter''': I sense you don't trust me. Perhaps this will help. ''[after changing to a more human form]'' I am J'onn J'onzz.
:''[He offers his hand to Batman, who just stands there.]''
:'''Superman''': Don't take it personally, J'onn. He doesn't trust anyone.
:'''Martian Manhunter''': ''[dryly]'' A wise policy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': Whoa! Where have you been all my life?
:'''Wonder Woman''': Themyscira.
:'''Flash''': Huh?
:'''Hawkgirl''': The home of the Amazons. I always thought it was merely a legend.
:'''Wonder Woman''': I assure you, it's as real as the ground on which we stand on. I am Diana, Princess of the Amazons.
:'''Flash''': Pinch me, I must be dreaming. (''Superman elbows him'') Ow!
:'''Wonder Woman''': Themyscira is protected by the gods. But I could not idly stand by when the rest of the world is in danger.
:'''Superman''': It was lucky you showed up when you did.
:'''Martian Manhunter''': No. Not luck. I telepathically summoned them.
:'''Flash''': Look, I'm usually pretty quick on the uptake, but would someone please tell me, what the heck is going on here? (''Everyone looks at him'')
:'''Wonder Woman''': So, J'onn J'onzz, you came from Mars to warn us?
:'''Flash''': This is just too weird.
:'''Green Lantern''': I've seen stranger things.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': What's the problem? Can't you just whip up another batch of that nerve gas?
:'''Martian Manhunter''': Unfortunately, no. The gas can only be made from a rare Martian plant. I brought a sample with me, but it was destroyed when I was captured.
:'''Flash''': Uh, what's Plan B?
:'''Wonder Woman''': We'll have to take out those factories.
:'''Green Lantern''': Lady, this is no job for amateurs.
:'''Wonder Woman''': We Amazons are warriors born! Want to test me?
:'''Superman''': Lets not fight among ourselves. John, we're going to need all the help we can get.
:'''Green Lantern''': Fine. Sorry, &quot;your highness&quot;. Tactically, we'll have multiple objectives. We'll need to split into teams.
:'''Flash''': Dibs on the Amazon! (''cut to Flash and Green Lantern'') You are no fun!
:'''Green Lantern''': This isn't supposed to be fun. We've got a job to do. We'll do it better without distractions. Understood?
:'''Flash''': Yeah, yeah. I hear you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Superman''': Are you always so eager to fight?
:'''Hawkgirl''': My homeworld, Thanagar, is a war-like world. There, one must strike first or die.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Imperium''': You're hiding something. A secret in the recesses of your mind. Is this another of your Martian tricks?
:'''Martian Manhunter''': Do I sense fear?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The League is in the watchtower for the first time.]
:'''Superman''':''[looking out the window]'' Incredible...Do your stockholders know about this Bruce?
:'''Batman''': A line item hidden in the aerospace R&amp;D budget.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Superman''': I once thought I could protect the world by myself, but I was wrong. Working together, we saved the planet, and I believe that if we stay together as a team, we could be a force that could truly work for the ideals of peace and justice.
:'''[[w:Wally West|The Flash]]''': What, like a bunch of... [[w:Super Friends|super friends?]]
:'''Superman''': More like a [[w:Justice League|Justice League]].
:'''The Flash''': You have no idea how corny that sounds. But maybe the big guy's got a point. With all of us behind it, it just might work. Count me in.
:'''Green Lantern''': Me too.
:'''Wonder Woman''': And me. My mother may not approve, but I found Man's World to be quite intriguing. I'll gladly join.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': I'm not really a people person. But, when you need help - and you '''will''' - call me.

===In Blackest Night===
:'''Martian Manhunter''': Wonder Woman is on another case, Superman's dealing with an earthquake and Batman would only say that he's &quot;busy&quot;.
:'''[[w:Hawkgirl|Hawkgirl]]''': Typical.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Hawkgirl has just critically damaged an attacking ship'')
:'''Superman''': Hawkgirl!
:'''Hawkgirl''': What? (''Superman flies off to prevent the ship from crashing'') Oh, that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Flash catches Hawkgirl after getting thrown]''
:'''Flash''': Aren't you gonna thank me?
:'''Hawkgirl''': Down, boy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': Asking the fastest man alive to slow things down? Won't be easy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Third Judge''': We don't want any doubt about our final judgement, do we?
:'''Second Judge''': No, we don't. But who will speak for John Stewart?
:'''Flash''': Don't you have any lawyers here?
:'''Chief Judge''': We solved our lawyer problem a long time ago.
:'''Third Judge''': However, you could speak for him, if you wish.
:'''Second Judge''': But be aware, if you lose, you'll share the same penalty as the accused.
:'''Flash''': The same penalty? You mean... that's crazy!
:'''Chief Judge''': No, that's how we solved our lawyer problem.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': ''[buying time defending Green Lantern]'' Ahem. Right. Sure. But first, I'd like to say a few words about... about habeus corpus. Yeah, habeus corpus! And ipso... facto! Phi Beta Kappa!... ''[still defending Green Lantern]'' Have you asked yourself, &quot;why this rush to judgment?&quot; [[w:O. J. Simpson murder case#The glove|If the ring wasn't lit, you must acquit]], and furthermore...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': Uh, looks like we've got a surprise witness.
:'''Prosecutor''': Surprise witness? He was nowhere near the crime, what kind of witness could he be?
:'''Flash''': A big scary one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prosecutor''': How much more must we hear? We demand an immediate judgment!
:'''Flash''': I object!
:'''Judges''': ''[in unison, clearly irritated]'' OVERRULED!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': I'm sorry. I did everything I could.
:'''[[w:John Stewart (comics)|Green Lantern]]''': I wish you hadn't.
:'''Flash''': ''[being moved toward the execution chamber]'' Whoa, time out! I want an appeal!
:'''Green Lantern''': Will you show some dignity for once in your life?
:'''Flash''': This isn't right. We can't just sit here.
:'''Green Lantern''': We have to. Think of the others like us. We all need to be held accountable. We have too much power not to be.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Green Lantern''': In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight. Let those who worship evil's might, beware my power: Green Lantern's light!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Guardian''': We chose wisely when we offered you the ring.

===The Enemy Below===
:'''Superman''': You know, all this could have been avoided.
:'''[[w:Aquaman|Aquaman]]''': How?
:'''Superman''': Come and air your grievances at the World Assembly. Negotiate for peace.
:'''Aquaman''': You'd have me crawl to them like some beggar?
:'''Superman''': No. Stand before them like a king.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Green Lantern''': We never should have left that sub down there. Now it's in the hands of that madman.
:'''[[w:Wonder Woman|Wonder Woman]]''': Aquaman's no madman. He's a king. He only wants to preserve and protect his own kind.
:'''Green Lantern''': So who's going to protect ''us'' from ''him''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': I'll take it from here. ''[takes Deadshot away from the group]''
:'''[[w:Deadshot|Deadshot]]''': You can't scare me, Batman.
:'''Batman''': ''[grabbing him]'' Let me give you one word of advice...
:''[Batman whispers something indistinct.]''
:'''Deadshot''': Okay, I'll tell, I'll tell.
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''[to Superman]'' What did he say?
:'''Superman''': You don't want to know.
:''[N.B. In an interview, [[w:Kevin Conroy|Kevin Conroy]] said that the words he whispered during the recording session were &quot;I know where you live, Floyd.&quot;]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Aquaman jumps off of a jetski and onto the back of a giant killer whale, which jumps through the air and lands on a large group of soldiers before submerging.]''
:'''Green Lantern''': I saw it, but I still don't believe it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Ocean Master|Orm]]''': Well, I'm off to avenge your deaths.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Superman''': His own hand... I can't believe it.
:'''Green Lantern''': I told you he was a madman.
:'''Mera''': Is it madness to sacrifice all for someone you love?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': There's not much time. If we can't shut that down, the entire world is doomed!
:'''Green Lantern''': I suppose this is a bad time to say &quot;I told you so.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aquaman''': ''[sighs]'' I can only blame myself. My fear of the surface-dwellers blinded me to those I should have feared most... and it cost me dearly. ''[looks down at the harpoon replacing his severed hand]''
:'''Green Lantern''': Don't be too hard on yourself. Maybe we've all misjudged.
:'''Aquaman''': Perhaps. All I want, all I've ever wanted, is peace and security for Atlantis.
:'''Superman''': After what's happened, it won't be easy.
:'''Aquaman''': ''[looks back at Mera, holding their son]'' I know. But some sacrifices are worth it.

===Injustice For All===
:'''Martian Manhunter''': ''[to Luthor]'' So much for your image as a benevolent businessman. This is the end of an era.
:'''[[w:Lex Luthor|Lex Luthor]]''': The end of ''your'' era, maybe.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Superman''': Lex, if there's anything I can do--
:'''Lex Luthor''': ''You've done more than enough''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Luthor interrupts the [[w:Ultra-Humanite|Ultra-Humanite]]'s opera program]'' 
:'''Lex Luthor''': Humanite! How can you stand that caterwauling?! 
:'''Ultra-Humanite''': Music is one of the meager pleasures I'm allowed in here, along with a few other necessities. You should try the culture channel. It might improve your disposition.
:'''Lex Luthor''': There's nothing wrong with my disposition that a little freedom wouldn't cure.
:'''Ultra-Humanite''': That's not what ''I'' hear.
:'''Lex Luthor''': ... I need your help. And I can make it worth your while.
:'''Ultra-Humanite''': What do I need with money?
:'''Lex Luthor''': Everyone needs money. The only question is, ''how much''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hawkgirl''': I'm used to being thanked when I save someone.
:'''Batman''': I'm not used to being saved.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Star Sapphire (comics)|Star Sapphire]]''': Common criminals. Is this what I've been reduced to?
:'''Lex Luthor''': Criminals, yes. But common? Most certainly not.
:'''[[w:Shade (comics)|Shade]]''': Lex Luthor? Well, the plot thins.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': And I had those flames out before the firemen even stepped off their trucks.
:'''Hawkgirl''': That's fast.
:'''Flash''': Fastest man alive.
:'''Hawkgirl''': Which might explain why you can't get a date.
:'''Flash''': Yeah... Hey! What's that supposed to mean?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Luthor is knocked back during the battle with the Justice League]''
:'''Ultra-Humanite''': There goes our paycheck. ''[catches him]'' I'd hate to see anything happen to you, Lex.
:'''Lex Luthor''': I'm sure!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[About [[w:Copperhead (DC comics)|Copperhead]], who was captured after biting Batman]''
:'''Superman''': I'm going down to interrogate him.
:'''Batman''': Alright. Let's go.
:'''Superman''': No, you're staying here. That venom almost killed you.
:'''Batman''': So?
:'''Superman''': SO, you're staying here.
:'''Batman''': ''[watches Superman leave]'' Right. ''[sits up and removes wrist IV]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Batman, recovering from being poisoned, is typing at a computer.]''
:'''Martian Manhunter''': You really should be resting. ''[Batman keeps typing]'' I know this must be hard for you, feeling vulnerable. You're the only one of us without special powers, but you don't need to prove yourself.  You're a valued member of this team, and we're only trying to--
:'''Batman''': ''[Gets up]'' I'm taking the shuttle. Unless ''you'' want to try and stop me.
:'''Martian Manhunter''': ''[pauses]'' No. ''[moves out of the way]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After the Injustice Gang fail to defeat the Justice League]''
:'''Lex Luthor''': &quot;The best at what you do&quot;. What was I thinking?!
:'''[[w:Cheetah (comics)|Cheetah]]''': We did everything we could.
:'''Lex Luthor''': Did you? Did you fight like your lives depended on it? Did you fight to the last man?
:'''Shade''': You get what you pay for, Luthor.
:'''Lex Luthor''': Are you saying you want MORE money? You want to be rewarded for failure? I oughta take the whole bunch of you and--
:'''[[w:Solomon Grundy (comics)|Solomon Grundy]]''': ''[grabs him around the neck]'' And what?!
:'''Lex Luthor''': Go ahead! Do it! You'll be saving me months of bedpans and feeding tubes! And you'll also guarantee that none of you will ever see a penny from me!
:'''Solomon Grundy''': ''[pauses, then drops Luthor]'' You're crazy.
:'''[[w:Joker (comics)|Joker]]''': ''[entering]'' And what's wrong with that? It's done wonders for me!
:'''Lex Luthor''': ''[annoyed]'' Get out of here!
:'''Joker''': Oh, Lexy, I'm hurt! How could you have this little party without inviting me?
:'''Lex Luthor''': It's ''not'' a party. Grundy, get rid of him.
:[''Grundy moves towards Joker only to be knocked out by him]''
:'''Joker''': But seriously Lex, you need me. 
:'''Lex Luthor''': Like I need skin rash. 
:'''Joker''': Maybe so, but I know something you don't know: I know how the Bat thinks!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': Lex, Lex, listen to someone who KNOWS. ''[whispering and pointing to Luthor's gun]'' Don't wait. Do it now.
:'''Lex Luthor''': You don't like my decisions? Leave! ''[pushes him away]''
:'''Joker''': And they say ''I'm'' crazy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Superman and Flash interrogate Copperhead]''
:'''Copperhead''': I keep telling you, I don't know anything! I'm just...
:'''Superman, Flash and Copperhead''': ... &quot;an innocent victim of circumstances&quot;.
:'''Flash''': Yeah, yeah, we know.
:''[Superman grabs Copperhead and pushes him against a wall]''
:'''Superman''': Copperhead, when are you going to get some sense and tell us where Luthor is?!
:'''Copperhead''': ''[not intimidated]'' Oooh, this must be the part where I get so scared, I spill my guts (!)
:'''Superman''': I'm warning you...
:'''Copperhead''': What are you gonna do, boy-scout? Short my sheets? Give me a wedgie?
:'''Superman''': ''[drops Copperhead, and turns to two guards]'' Take him back to a holding cell.
:'''Copperhead''': ''[being taken away]'' Hasta la vista! ''[hisses]''
:'''Flash''': ''[sarcastically]'' That went well.
:'''Superman''': How does Batman do it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Cheetah is supposed to be guarding Batman, but they end up talking about her past]''
:'''Batman''': So what happened then?
:'''Cheetah''': My research opened up whole new worlds. There was so much to do...
:'''Batman''': But so little funding.
:'''Cheetah''': You know about that?
:'''Batman''': You didn't have enough for research subjects, so you used yourself.
:'''Cheetah''': And now I'm a freak.
:'''Batman''': That's not what I see. I see someone who was willing to sacrifice everything for a cause she believed in.
:'''Cheetah''': ''[softens]'' How do you know so much about me?
:'''Batman''': Let's just say, cats aren't the only creatures who are curious.
:'''Cheetah''': ''[sidles up to him]'' Too much curiosity can be dangerous.
:'''Batman''': Maybe I ''like'' danger.
:'''Cheetah''': Do you?
:'''Batman''': ''[whispers]'' Try me.
:''[She kisses him]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While Cheetah &quot;guards&quot; Batman]''
:'''Joker''': She's been down there too long...
:'''Lex Luthor''': Forget it. There's no way I'm going to leave you alone with him.
:'''Joker''': But, Lexy, where's your sense of fun? Besides, it won't cost you a cent!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Luthor stumbles, clutching his heart]''
:'''Shade''': Maybe we should get paid now...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lex Luthor''': ''[as the villains desert him]'' No! We can still win if we lure them here! I have a plan, but we've got to stick together.
:'''Solomon Grundy''': Grundy not THAT dumb.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': [[w:Hello Kitty|Hello, Kitty!]] ''[knocks Cheetah out with a high-voltage joy-buzzer]'' And they say I'm not a team player.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lex Luthor''': ''[attacking Superman with Kryptonite radiation]'' Why so surprised, Superman? It's a basic rule of business: turn every weakness into a strength. Of course, that's a lesson you won't live to appreciate.
:'''Ultra-Humanite''': Neither will YOU, Lex. ''[electrocutes him from behind]''
:'''Lex Luthor''': ''[dazed]'' [[w:Et tu, Brute?|Et tu, Humanite?]] ''[passes out]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': Whoopsie! Time to run. But there is still one unfinished piece of business...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': No fair! How did you get free?!
:'''Batman''': I could have escaped any time. But I thought I'd hang around to keep an eye on you clowns. ''[punches Joker]''
:'''Joker''': ''[dazed]'' [[w:Daffy Duck|You're dethpicable!]]
:''[Joker passes out. The corner of Batman's mouth turns up in a slight smile.]''

===Paradise Lost===
:'''Wonder Woman''': I've got you little sister.
:'''Cassie''': You're not my sister!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''': (''practicing for her return to Themyscira'') &quot;You look more radiant than ever, Mother..&quot;. No. (''tries again'') &quot;Gone, Mother? I didn't go anywhere. I was in my room... alone... for eight months..&quot;. Definitely not. (''tries again'') &quot;The world was in peril! Would you have me stand by and do nothing...?&quot; Hera give me strength...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''': I am Diana, Princess of the Amazons! ''I won't be denied!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': Picture it - The sun. The sea. Hundreds of women just like her running around, and me: the first man they've seen in... oh, maybe forever. Oh, and look what I brought: Iced mochas for everyone!  Sweet.
:'''Martian Manhunter''': I fail to see the attraction.
:'''Flash''': Man, you really are from Mars.
:'''Martian Manhunter''': Perhaps we should concentrate on finding the relic.
:'''Flash''': No problem. (''Flash grabs the crystal, speeds into the temple, and returns carrying the pot with the relic'') See? That was easy. (''a giant, fire breathing snake emerges from the ground'') Or not!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''[walking through a mall]'' It's like some kind of temple.
:'''Superman''': Yes, for those who worship their credit cards.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': He swore revenge on those that mocked him, and several later disappeared under mysterious circumstances.
:'''Wonder Woman''': I have a pretty good idea what happened to them.
:(''Points to three stone faces with horrified looks'')
:'''Flash''': EW!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': Don’t touch that!
:(''Energy blast goes off and Batman drops to the floor to dodge it'')
:'''Flash''': Oops.
:'''Batman''': Don’t touch anything! We don’t know what kind of powers we’re dealing with.
:(''The rest of The League quickly drops what they’re holding before Batman turns around'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Descending to the gateway to Tartarus]''
:'''Flash''': Ugh - what's that smell?
:'''Wonder Woman''': Don't ask.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Felix Faust''': Thank you for your assistance. But now that your usefulness is over...Petropa kis--WHAT?!
:(''Flash runs past and steals the amulet'')
:'''Flash''': You're not the only one with an ace up your sleeve.
:'''Felix Faust''': W-what is this?
:(''Batman swings in and knocks Faust to the ground'')
:'''Hippolyta''': You brought men here? To Themyscira?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''': What did you ever see in him?
:'''Hippolyta''': (''dryly'') Ancient history.

===War World===
:'''[[w:Mongul|Mongul]]''': Rebellion? There's not going to be any rebellion. Not if I can keep giving them fights - good ones. Enough to take their minds off their troubles.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Draaga''': Shall I spare him my lord?
:'''[[w:Mongul|Mongul]]''': What say the rest of you. (''Crowd jeers'') The people have spoken. LONG LIVE DEMOCRACY!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Draaga''': Pathetic. The whole lot of you. Not a real warrior in the bunch. And you, the Kryptonian, you're the biggest disappointment of all. (''Spits on Superman and walks away. Superman breaks out of his chains'')
:'''Alien''': Why didn't you do that when Draaga was here?
:'''Superman''': It's called &quot;turning the other cheek.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alien''': I don't know if he's brave or just plain crazy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Green Lantern''': Relax. All we want is information about our friends. You can talk to me... ''[points to Hawkgirl]'' Or you can talk to ''her''. ''[Hawkgirl slaps her mace into one hand]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mongul''': Are you ready, Kryptonian?
:'''Superman''': I won't fight for your amusement, Mongul.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Superman''': Draaga, we don't have to do this!
:'''[[w:Draaga|Draaga]]''': You don't have a choice - neither of us does.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Security robots are attempting to destroy Superman as the crowd (and the Martian Manhunter) look on.]''
:'''Martian Manhunter''': No! The Kryptonian won! Don't you want to see him fight again?
:'''Spectator''': I gotta admit, he's a real champ!
:'''Martian Manhunter''': He's more than that - he's a Superman!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mongul''': Hear what they think of their new hero now? Game over!
:'''Green Lantern''': Not yet. We're going into overtime.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Superman''': You've earned a chance for a whole new life.
:'''Draaga''': What's life without honor? I'm not worthy.
:'''Superman''': Draaga, the real test of honor isn't how you die. It's how you live.

===The Brave And The Bold===
:'''Flash''':Easy boy. We'll have you back behind monkey bars before we know it.
:'''[[w:Solovar|Solovar]]''': [[W:Planet of the Apes franchise|Get your stinking paws off me, you filthy human!]]
:'''Flash''':Say what?!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': I can't think - I'm tired and hungry...
:'''Detective''': Maybe some coffee will help. How do you take it?
:'''Flash''': Cream and 37 sugars. ''[the detective starts, then looks at him incredulously]'' Really.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': Let's see, after I caught the gorilla, he told me that...
:'''Green Lantern''': He ''talked'' to you?
:'''Flash''': Yeah, right after I stopped his car.
:'''Green Lantern''': I'm supposed to believe this?
:'''Flash''': Hey, we've both got a Martian's phone number on our speed dial. I think I deserve the benefit of the doubt here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grodd''': (''after punching Flash'') That's for the banana. I hate bananas.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Green Lantern blasts Solovar'')
:'''Solovar''': Was that really necessary?
:'''Green Lantern''': Okay, so he ''can'' talk.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': Weird. Am I the only one creeped out here? Where is everyone?
:'''Solovar''': Perhaps the shield frightened them.
:'''Flash''': Could be. But usually, when a city looks this empty, flesh-eating zombies are involved.
:'''Green Lantern''': You watch too many movies.
:(''Promptly afterwards, they hear a large crowd ranting'')
:'''Flash''': Maybe you don't watch enough!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Sarah Corwin''': ''[fires at Flash, only to suddenly find him next to her]'' How...
:'''Flash''': You blinked.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gorilla Grodd|Gorilla Grodd]]''': My apologies for the hasty exit, but I have a city to destroy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': People of [[w:Central City (DC Comics)|Central City]]! The age of hairless, simple-minded humanity is over! Today, a new age dawns. Today, Grodd rules.
:''[Crowd cheers]'' Humans are slow, ugly, immoral, and have an unpleasant body odor!
:'''Flash''': Hey, who you calling slow?!
:'''Green Lantern''': Flash, don't heckle the super villain.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Solovar''': Flash! I can't hold them off much longer!
:'''Flash''': How much do you weigh?
:'''Solovar''': About four hundred of your pounds. Why do you aAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grodd''': You're a bigger fool than I thought.
:'''Flash''': Oh yeah?! Well, you're... naked!
:'''Grodd''': ''[preparing to don his helmet]'' The world will miss your sparkling intellect. Goodbye, Flash.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': Not bad, huh? I outsmarted a super-genius!
:'''Green Lantern''': Guess you're not as dumb as you look.
:'''Flash''': Yeah! and I... Hey, I resent that! Nobody makes a monkey out of me!

===Fury===
:''[About Aresia]''
:'''Copperhead''': I like her style.
:'''Shade''': A definite improvement over Luthor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Saleswoman''': It's the latest scent! Wear this, and you'll have to beat the men off with a stick.
:'''Wonder Woman''': Believe me - I don't need a stick.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': So this Aresia is not really an Amazon?
:'''Hawkgirl''': She's an orphan. It's hard to imagine what that kind of trauma could do to a child.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''': Amazons don't steal. It's against our code. And we never leave the island.
:'''Batman''': Never?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hawkgirl''': But who wants to live in a world without men?
:'''Wonder Woman''': They can't possibly be that essential to your life.
:'''Hawkgirl''': Don't knock it 'til you've tried it, Princess.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aresia''': You fools! Don't you see? We're not your enemy, it's the men! They must be destroyed. 
:'''Hippolyta''': You're wrong Aresia. Without men, you wouldn't still be here. After your ship sank, you must have lost consciousness as you drifted on your makeshift raft. You would surely have drowned had the ship's captain not found you and pulled you to safety. Valiantly he struggled to keep you alive until he brought you to the shores of Themyscira. But the effort was too much for his heart. His final resting place is a simple, unmarked grave. He's the only man ever buried on Themyscira. So you see, for all your hatred of men, it turns out you owe your life to one. 
:'''Aresia''': ...Why didn't you ever tell me about this?
:'''Hippolyta''': I didn't think it was important. ''[ashamed]'' I didn't think ''he'' was important.
:'''Hawkgirl''':  Maybe it's time to reconsider that. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''': If only Aresia could have learned to see the noble qualities of men.
:'''Flash''': ''[eating a donut]'' I definitely could have taught that bad babe a thing or two about guys.  Too bad we never met.  ''[washes it down with a soda; burps]''
:'''Wonder Woman''': Maybe it's... just as well.

===Legends===
:'''Sergeant O'Shaugnessy''': Music Master! Put up your hands and drop the Stradivarius!
:'''[[w:Fiddler (comics)|Music Master]]''': Sorry, Sergeant - I don't take requests.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hawkgirl''': ''[strained, to Black Siren]'' So, you fight crime AND bake cookies. How DO you do it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Green Lantern''': I know it sounds corny, but those comics taught me what it meant to be a hero.  Without them... well, maybe I wouldn't have this ring today.
:'''Flash''': Oh-KAY.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Hawkgirl walks by with a tray of cookies.]''
:'''Flash''': Hey, Cookie.
:'''Hawkgirl''': One word and you'll be the fastest man alive WITH A LIMP.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ray Thompson''': Can I come? Can I? Can I?
:'''Martian Manhunter''': I would hesitate to put the boy in harm's way.
:'''Cat Man''': Sure thing, little buddy!
:'''Ray Thompson''': Oh, boy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Streak''': Obviously the clue &quot;fire&quot; can mean only one thing. The plan to steal the fabled Flame of Rasputin. A precious ruby necklace on loan to the Seaboard City Museum!
:'''Green Lantern''': You know your stuff. It's an honor to fight beside you.
:'''[[w:Flash (Jay Garrick)|Streak]]''': The feeling's mutual. Your a credit to your people, son.
:'''Green Lantern''': Uh... thanks?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': Is it just me, or are they the only cops in this town?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Streak''': ''[after Sir Swami escapes]'' A pity he uses his talents for evil, rather than entertain children at birthday parties.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Music Master''': This calls for a little travelling music.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Music Master''': Badaba to the fat lady - may she keep on singing!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Blizzard''': If you'll excuse me, Mr. Mayor, but I'll be taking off with my &quot;chill&quot; gotten gains.
:'''Flash''': Chill out, Blizzard. We're putting you on ice!
:'''Dr. Blizzard''': Forgive me if I give you the cold shoulder.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': Like I said, you never had a snowball's chance in-
:'''[[w:Black Canary|Black Siren]]''': Flash, look!
:''[Flash sees a truck full of dynamite on a collision course with a bus full of nuns, who gasp and cross themselves.]''
:'''Flash''': You've gotta be kidding.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Icicle (comics)|Dr. Blizzard]]''': Ha! You can't escape my killing chill.
:'''Flash''': I'm just getting warmed up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Sportsmaster|The Sportsman]]''': What's this? New player? No matter, watch the birdie.
:''[Explosion throws Catman forward]''
:'''The Sportsman''': Game, Set, Match.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': That's it. I officially want to go home.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Justice Guild watch as Ray brutally attacks and defeats the Justice League]''
:'''Black Siren''':  WAIT! What if J'onn's right? That means that stopping Ray could destroy this world and everything in it!
:''[The Justice Guild linger for a moment, wondering what to do.]''
:'''Streak''': We died once to save this Earth. And we can do it again.
:''[The Justice Guild attack Ray]''
:'''Ray Thompson''': What is this!?
:'''[[w:Superman (Earth-Two)|Tom]] [[w:Atom (Al Pratt)|Turbine]]''': In Seaboard City, crime doesn't pay.
:'''Ray Thompson''': You can't! I made you!
:'''Justice Guild in unison''': Let justice prevail!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hawkgirl''': Are you okay?
:'''Green Lantern''': It's stupid really - why should I feel like  this? I mean, they weren't even real.
:'''Hawkgirl''': They gave their lives for us. That's real enough for me.

===A Knight Of Shadows===
:'''Jason Blood''': Gone, gone the form of man. Rise the demon Etrigan!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Etrigan''': For the past generation she has hidden from me, but I will never rest until her soul burns in the Eternal Pit.
:'''Flash''': And I thought Bats was creepy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Etrigan''': The witch has an amulet which can sense when I'm drawing near.
:'''Flash''': With that stench, who needs an amulet?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Etrigan the Demon|Etrigan]]''': Heed me. She will tap into your deepest desires, and dangle them like a carrot in front of your nose. She will give you everything you dream of - but only until she gets what she wants.
:'''Batman''': The voice of experience?
:'''Etrigan''': ''[grumbles]'' Don't say I didn't warn you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Morgaine le Fey (DC Comics)|Morgaine le Fey]]''': ''[after draining the Hall of Records clerk of her life energy]'' Youth is so wasted on the young. ''[looks around at the computers]'' Don't these people believe in books anymore?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Etrigan''': I still don't trust that Martian. He's damaged goods.
:'''Batman''': I trust J'onn with my life.
:'''Etrigan''': I'll send flowers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Flash and Wonder Woman try to get into Harv Hickman's Halloween party]''
:'''Flash''': Harv Hickman? The magazine publisher?
:'''Wonder Woman''': You know his work?
:'''Flash''': I, uh, only read it for the articles.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': ''[elbowing through crowd]'' Sorry, official world-saving business.
:'''Bouncer''': Are you on the list?
:'''Wonder Woman''': This is an emergency. We're with the Justice League.
:'''Bouncer''': Heh.  Sure, lady. ''[gestures to costumed party-goers, some dressed as superheroes]'' So are they.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Martian Manhunter''': ''[to Batman]'' I know what I experienced was an illusion, but it felt so ''real''. The urge to embrace it was more than I could bear. Sometimes I believe I would do anything to see my loved ones again. You can't imagine how that feels.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''': Let me understand this - you possess the most powerful object in the world, and yet all you wished for is money and women?
:'''Harv Hickman''': What else is there?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''chatting up the two models at the Hickman Mansion'')
:'''Flash''': Superman? Yeah, he's a close personal friend...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Diana bursts into the grotto'')
:'''Wonder Woman''': Morgaine's here!
:(''A giant worm rears up behind them'')
:'''Flash''': Yeah, I kind of gathered that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Morgaine le Fey successfully uses the Martian Manhunter to steal the Stone from the Watchtower]''
:'''Etrigan''': You ''stupid'', ignorant, pathetic excuses for heroes!
:'''Wonder Woman''': It can't be....
:'''Etrigan''': Oh, really, your highness?! Take another look! I pursued that witch for centuries, and yet you've blindly ignored my warnings and doomed the world!
:'''Wonder Woman''': Enough! ''[slaps him]''
:'''Etrigan''': ''[rubs jaw]'' The truth hurts, doesn't it, Princess?
:'''Wonder Woman''': Why don't you go straight to--
:'''Flash''': ''[rushing in]'' More bad news!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': ''[putting the Philosopher's Stone in the Watchtower vault]'' Ha. I'd like to see her try and get it now.
:'''Etrigan''': Be careful what you wish for, little man.
:'''Flash''': Well, aren't you a ray of sunshine? As far as I'm concerned, this mission's over. The world's safe again and I for one am gonna kick back. So go find some other house to haunt! (''leaves'')
:'''Wonder Woman''': He didn't mean that.
:'''Etrigan''': Do you think I care?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': ''[After teleporting through dimensions]'' Ding! Fifth floor, hardware, sporting goods, evil sorceresses!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''': Flash is right. There's something unsettling about your friend. When he stares, it's like he's looking into my very soul.
:'''Batman''': True. But I'd rather have him with us than against us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Modred''': Get out of my castle! (''Fires blasts at Flash and Wonder Woman'')
:'''Flash''': Whoa, the kid's got chops too.
:'''Wonder Woman''': The rotten apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

===Metamorphosis===
:'''Oil Driller''': 870 feet. We drill much deeper, and we'll hit New Zealand.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Metamorpho|Rex Mason]]''': Still in uniform, I see - though it's not exactly standard Marine corps issue.
:'''Green Lantern''': I signed up with a new unit.
:'''Rex Mason''': So I heard.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rex Mason''': Working for an outfit like Stagg Enterprises does have its perks..
:'''John Stewart''': No kidding.
:'''Rex Mason''': But so must wearing that ring. A big hero like you makes a fortune on the side, right?
:'''John Stewart''': Mmm... it doesn't work like that. I've hardly got more than the clothes on my back.
:'''Sapphire Stagg''': (''appearing'') Well then, we simply must take you shopping.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Green Lantern''': I've never thought much about the choices I've made. Maybe if I'd taken the other road, I'd be where Mason is now. Rich, successful...
:'''Hawkgirl''': (''wryly'') And engaged to a beautiful woman?
:[''He grins at her'']

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bank Robber''': ''[riding in armored car, sees Justice League]'' Uh-oh. Long-Johns at 10:00.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sapphire Stagg''': No wonder he always looked up to you.
:'''John Stewart''': Me? He's the one who had it made.
:'''Sapphire Stagg''': No. He watches you on the news all the time. He still misses it—being in action, saving people's lives. I think he'd trade places with you in a minute.

===The Savage Time===
:'''Superman''': Prepare the landing bay. We’re coming in.
:'''Batman''': Just when I was starting to enjoy the peace and quiet.
:'''Superman''': Same old Bats.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stormtrooper''': Let's see your identity papers. Now!
:'''Flash''': Sorry, but my identity's a secret. Chicks dig that whole &quot;man of mystery&quot; thing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': Bats, you're starting to scare me.
:'''Alternate Batman''': I scare a lot of people.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alternate Batman''': The resistance might be able to use you, but you're going to have to prove we can trust you.
:'''Green Lantern''': Are you kidding? You've known us for years!
:(''Bruce takes a gun from one of his soldiers and points it at Lantern's face without a flicker of expression'')
:'''Alternate Batman''': You must have me confused with someone else.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''On a speeding train, the League are all thrown into a pile'')
:'''Hawkgirl''': Whose hand is that?
:'''Flash''': Sorry.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Martian Manhunter''': You understand that if we do change the past, you - this version of you - will never have existed?
:'''Alternate Batman''': Nothing would make me happier.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The League arrives in the past, in the German-occupied France'')
:'''Flash''': Great Jumpin' Hera!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Superman''': ''[about the Blackhawks]'' Friends of yours?
:'''Hawkgirl''': They are now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Vandal Savage|Vandal Savage]]''': ''[seeing Martian Manhunter]'' Who would have thought the [[w:Übermensch|Übermensch]] would be green?
:'''Martian Manhunter''': Übermensch?
:'''Vandal Savage''': The superior man. Those destined to lead the world.
:'''Martian Manhunter''': I thought that was your goal.
:'''Vandal Savage''': My only desire is peace, progress, unity...
:'''Martian Manhunter''': With you in charge, of course.
:'''Vandal Savage''': Why not?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vandal Savage''': I'm not from the future... ''[gestures to a laptop computer]'' but this is. Sixty years from now, it will be a child's toy. But today, it's the most powerful weapon on Earth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Martian Manhunter''': ''(observing the recording of Vandal Savage's future self)'' You age gracefully.
:'''Vandal Savage''': You have no idea.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vandal Savage''': Knowing the future, how can I not succeed?
:'''Martian Manhunter''': I've seen your future. It doesn't work.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''': You're a strange one, Steve Trevor. You have no special powers, yet you're willing to risk your life here. Aren't you afraid of dying?
:'''[[w:Steve Trevor|Steve Trevor]]''': Some things are worth dying for, Angel.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Green Lantern''': I've got a plane to catch!
:'''[[w:Sgt. Rock|Sgt. Rock]]''': You can't stop 'em single-handed!
:'''Green Lantern''': Watch me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Green Lantern''': You're not going anywhere!
:'''Vandal Savage''': You think you can kill me? You're welcome to try.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Green Lantern''': Say your prayers, Savage!
:'''Vandal Savage''': A god doesn't grovel.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Green Lantern''': What took you?
:'''Hawkgirl''': I had to fix my hair.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Superman''': Batman! It’s really you! ''[hugs him]''
:'''Batman''': ''[awkwardly]''...Am I missing something?
:'''Superman''': Sorry, it’s just that... well, it’s a long story.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Wonder Woman goes to visit an elderly Steve Trevor]''
:'''Wonder Woman''': Steve?
:'''Steve Trevor''': ''[smiling]'' Angel.

==Season Two==
===Twilight===
:'''Martian Manhunter''': I was just thinking... you, me, Wonder Woman, Superman - we are all of us orphans and exiles.
:'''Hawkgirl''': Maybe we should call ourselves the &quot;Just Us League.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Desaad''': You knew going into that sector was a violation of our treaty with New Genesis.
:'''Darkseid''': It was a calculated risk. You have served me well, General. Take as many of them with you as you can.
:'''Steppenwolf''': (''stares for a second then bows'') As you command, my lord.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Highfather''': We know of your mad ambitions, Darkseid. This is your final warning: break the treaty again and you will be destroyed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Desaad''': It was a fool's errand. (''Darkseid is angered'') Uh, what I mean to say is...
:'''Darkseid''': No one questions me, Desaad. (''Darkseid vaporizes Desaad'') No one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kalibak''': Father! Father, do you see?!
:'''Darkseid''': Be still, fool. I'm not blind.
:'''Kalibak''': But what is it?
:'''Darkseid''': It's death.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Darkseid''': Even as we speak, Apokolips is being assimilated by the Kryptonian menace known as Brainiac.
:'''Superman''': You're lying. [[Superman: The Animated Series#Knight Time|I destroyed him.]]
:'''Darkseid''': Apparently, he is harder to kill than you realized.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Darkseid informs Superman that Brainiac is still alive and is now attacking [[w:Apokolips|Apokolips]]]''
:'''[[w:Darkseid|Darkseid]]''': You know his pattern, Kal-El. Once he's finished siphoning the memory banks and technology of my planet...
:'''Superman''': He'll annihilate it. Good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hawkgirl''': So what are you saying? You'd sacrifice millions of lives just because you don't like this guy?
:'''Superman''': You don't know Darkseid like I do.
:'''Batman''': [[Superman: The Animated Series#Legacy|We know he used you, humiliated you, brainwashed you, wound you up like a tin soldier and turned you loose against Earth. ''[Gets right up in Superman's face]'' Cry me a river.]] On the outside chance that this isn't one of his schemes, we have to take action - so I suggest you get over it.
:'''Martian Manhunter''': Brainiac has already destroyed countless civilizations, and now he threatens another. Do you want this to be the legacy of your people?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''': Let me get this straight: Orion is Darkseid's own son?
:'''Batman''': New Genesis and Apokolips have been at war for centuries. Apparently, Darkseid and Highfather exchanged sons as part of some kind of peace treaty... (''Wonder Woman looks at Batman'') Sounds wacky to me, too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''': Who are you?
:'''Forager''': They call me [[w:Forager (comics)|Forager]].
:'''Batman''': Do you know someone named [[w:Orion (comics)|Orion]]?
:'''Forager''': Orion! I am just an unworthy Bug; Orion is a god who is far above us.
:'''Wonder Woman''': You're too modest. You've shown courage, compassion...
:'''Forager''' : No, no, you don't understand! All the gods are far above us. (''Points up into the sky towards [[w:New Genesis|Supertown]]'')
:'''Batman''': I'm gonna need a longer grapple.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Brainiac (comics)|Brainiac]]''': Welcome, Kal-El. Once I offered you the chance to join me in carrying on the legacy of Krypton. Today, I renew that offer.
:'''Superman''': You must be joking.
:'''Brainiac''': Why do you reject your great heritage? The entire history of your planet, its knowledge and splendor, its awe and mystery are encoded within me.
:'''Hawkgirl''': Superman, don't--
:''[Superman stops her]''
:'''Brainiac''': I ''am'' Krypton.
:'''Superman''': You're a perversion, dishonoring the very memory of my father and all my people.
:'''Brainiac''': And this is your final decision?
:'''Superman''': Read my lips: Go. To-- ''[Brainiac cuts him off]''
:'''Brainiac''': Unfortunate - but predictable.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Highfather|Highfather]]''': It's hard, isn't it? But we must lovingly tend our garden if we want it to grow strong and tall.
:'''Sera''': I hate this.
:'''Highfather''': What's wrong, child?
:'''Sera''': I've tried, Highfather, really I have, but look! ''[Gestures to the small rosebush she's laboring over]''
:'''Highfather''': Patience, my dear. Everything has a purpose, and a place.
:'''Sera''': Everything? ''[Flicks a large caterpillar off of a leaf]''
:'''Highfather''': Given time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': [to Diana] Next time I let Superman take charge, just hit me. Real hard.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brainiac''': You deceived me, Darkseid. Used me.
:'''Darkseid''': It's what I do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Darkseid''': ''[to Superman]'' You of all people should know that the universe is filled with chaos, confusion and uncertainty. I will tear it down to nothing, and then rebuild it, bringing order and discipline at last. Think of it, Superman - a new universe created in ''my'' image.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Martian Manhunter is using one of Brainiac's bodies as a shield as he uses the body's arm to shoot at the others.]''
:'''Batman''': Having fun?
:'''Martian Manhunter''': Yes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Darkseid''': I'm glad to see growing up with Highfather hasn't made you soft and weak. You make an old man proud. But I won't let you or anyone else stand in my way! (''Darkseid bearhugs Orion into unconsciousness'') Spare the rod...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Superman''': Any minute now, Brainiac will explode. And guess what? You're going with him. (''Darkseid reaches for Orion's Mother Box but Superman destroys it with his heat vision'') No, Darkseid. To get off this rock, you'll have to go through me.
:'''Darkseid''': You really are a glutton for punishment. Time and again, I've beaten you, humbled you. What makes you think today's outcome will be any different?
:'''Superman''': Because this time, I won't stop until you're just a greasy smear on my fist. Let's go.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Darkseid''': This is where you belong, Superman, under my heel!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''': Wait! Where is Superman?
:'''Batman''': That idiot! [''to others''] I'll get him. The rest of you take off. Now!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Darkseid''': [''Trapped on an exploding asteroid after Batman forces Superman to abandon their fight''] Loser.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Superman watches the destroyed asteroids in the sky. Batman comes to him]''
:'''Batman''': Nothing could have survived that. Not even Darkseid.
:'''Superman''': You know something, Bruce? ''[turns to Batman and walks right up in his face]'' You're ''not'' always right.

===Tabula Rasa===
:'''Wonder Woman''': Hera help us!
:'''Green Lantern''': She'd better - no one else can.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lex Luthor''': Help me. I'm...
:'''Mercy Graves''': Sick... dying... and you couldn't do it somewhere else?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Amazo|Amazo]]''': ''[upon scanning Batman]'' You don't have any powers.
:'''Batman''': I have this. ''[Pulls out piece of kryptonite. Amazo begins to suffer its effects.]'' It's a package deal. You get our powers, but you get our weaknesses too.
:''[Amazo jumps off the building into the sewer.]''
:'''Hawkgirl''': You always carry a piece of kryptonite with you?
:'''Batman''': Call it insurance.
:'''Hawkgirl''': And they say ''I'm'' scary.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Martian Manhunter lands in front of Amazo]''
:'''Lex Luthor''': You know what to do!
:'''Martian Manhunter''': ''[calmly]'' Yes. You know.
:''[Amazo scans J'onn and gains his abilities]''
:'''Lex Luthor''': Nothing can stop you now! You have all their powers!
:'''Martian Manhunter''': Use them well.
:''[Amazo reads Lex's mind, and realizes that he's been lied to.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': I say we let 'em waste each other.
:'''Hawkgirl''': Since when do we do what ''you'' say?
:'''Amazo''': So small, all of you. And so meaningless. There's nothing I want from you anymore. None of you has anything to offer me now.
:''[Amazo flies into space]''
:'''Wonder Woman''': Where did he go?
:'''Martian Manhunter''': Where gods belong.
:'''[[w: Lex Luthor|Lex Luthor]]''': Oh stop. He's just a machine. I don't care how much power he has, he's no god.
:'''Superman''': Then why do I have a feeling that if he ever comes back, you're going to be doing a lot of praying?
:'''Martian Manhunter''': Perhaps we'll all be praying.

===Only A Dream===
:'''John Dee''': And I thought I'd actually have to break a sweat!
:'''Superman''': (''Flying in'') I'll be doing the breaking around here!
:'''John Dee''': (''Transforms into a giant and crushes him between his hands'') Yes. You break very nicely.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Police Officer''': Hold it right there, Grundy! This is as far as you go!
:''[Grundy lifts a dumpster.]''
:'''[[w:Copperhead (DC Comics)|Copperhead]]''': Are you crazy?!
:'''Grundy''': No, MAD!
:'''Copperhead''': I'm SO dead...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': Say no more.
:'''Batman''': I wasn't intending to.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': What were you working on?
:'''Martian Manhunter''': Nothing. I was taking a nap.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Copperhead''': ''[jumps onto Hawkgirl's back]'' You're flying me outta here now, lady!
:''[Hawkgirl flies straight up into the air, then stops]''
:'''Copperhead''': Well? Get me outta here!
:'''Hawkgirl''': And what if I don't?
:'''Copperhead''': ''[flicks his tongue]'' I give you your last kiss...
:'''Hawkgirl''': And ''you'' fall forty stories. 
:''[Copperhead looks down in terror]'' 
:'''Hawkgirl''': ''[smiles]'' Didn't really think this through, did you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Grundy crashes after a huge fall]''
:'''Hawkgirl''': ''[to Copperhead (who's still clinging to her)]'' He'll live. You won't.
:'''Copperhead''': I'm not scared!
:'''Green Lantern''': Then maybe this'll help: you do anything to her, and you won't even make it to the ground.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Green Lantern''': Good bluff.
:'''Hawkgirl''': Who was bluffing?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Green Lantern''': Look, whatever he is, he's sure not in the same league as Grundy and the others. He's a nobody.
:'''Batman''': Ever read the Odyssey? After Odysseus was caught by the cyclops, he told it his name was &quot;Nobody&quot;. So when he poked its eye out and its friends asked who did it, all the cyclops could say was &quot;nobody&quot;.
:'''Green Lantern''': Point taken.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Child''': That was some sweet banter, Uncle Flash, but what's a cur?
:'''Flash''': It's... a bad person! I guess...
:'''Child''': OK... So why didn't you just say that?
:'''Flash''': Well, I...
:'''Child''': And do people really talk so much when they fight?
:'''Flash''': I, uh... Hey! How'd you like a snack?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Flash opens the fridge, finding a huge frog inside]''
:'''Child''': Where's my food?
:'''The Flash''': Are you French?
:'''Child''': No.
:'''The Flash''': Then there's no food.
:'''Child''': You'll do. [''Boy bites The Flash's left leg'']

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': Don't worry. I'm used to late hours.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': (''Barging into a coffee shop; slams some cash on the counter'') Give me a triple. Now!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Doctor Destiny|Doctor Destiny]]''': Coming here was the mistake of your life. See, the closer I am to someone, the stronger I get. I'll be able to go in your brain, even if you're wide awake.
:'''Batman''': My brain's not a nice place to be.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Doctor Destiny''': What's that stupid song going through your mind?
:'''Batman''': It's what's keeping you out, Johnny.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Doctor Destiny''': You know, I could let you go. You're a distraction now. And it's the others who have the real problems. We're like insects to them. They step on us, ruin our lives, and they don't even realize it. But you're different. You don't have any special powers.
:'''Batman''': Oh, I have one, Johnny: I never give up. (''Batman starts humming the 'Frere Jacques' tune'')

===Maid Of Honor===
:''[Wonder Woman has been swamped by admiring men, all eagerly asking questions about her famous battles.]''
:'''Bruce Wayne''': ''[offering his hand]'' May I have this dance?
:'''Princess Diana''': ''[seizing the escape]'' Yes! ''[He leads her to the dance floor.]'' Thank you, Mr...?
:'''Bruce Wayne''': [[James Bond|Wayne. Bruce Wayne]].
:'''Princess Diana''': I appreciate the rescue.
:'''Bruce Wayne''': I'm surprised to see you here. From what I've heard, this isn't really your sort of affair.
:'''Princess Diana''': I've decided to get out more, have a little fun.
:'''Bruce Wayne''': ''[twirls her]'' Enjoying yourself so far?
:'''Princess Diana''': More than I expected. How about you? What brings you to [[wikipedia:Paris|The City Of Lights]]?
:'''Bruce Wayne''': I never miss a good party. I may also have to attend to some business while I'm in town.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Princess Audrey''': Stay back! You can't approach without my permission!
:'''Militant Kaznian Dissident''': ''[points a gun at her]'' Permission, yes?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[the roof breaks as Kazian revolutionaries slide into the room on cables.]''
:'''Bruce Wayne/Diana''': ''[simultaneously]'' Excuse me.
:''[Bruce starts to hurry away, loosening his tie, but seeing Diana dive into the fight, he re-adjusts it and meanders through the room, dodging the Kaznians that Wonder Woman throws, nibbling on appetizers.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': Who are you working for?
:'''Thief''': ''[in Kaznian]'' You can't understand a word I'm saying and I wouldn't tell you anything if you could.
:'''Batman''': ''[in Kaznian]'' I can... ''[advances on him menacingly]'' ...and you will.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Princess Audrey''': ''[being hounded by paparazzi]'' Would you be a dear and pummel them mercilessly?
:'''Princess Diana''': ''[lifts her into the air]'' I don't think that'll be necessary. ''[flies away]''
:'''Princess Audrey''': WHOO-HOO!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Princess Audrey''': Don't worry - I won't tell anyone that our great hero has feet of clay.
:'''Princess Diana''': You have no idea.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': You're keeping late hours.
:'''Diana''': You should talk.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Colonel Vox''': Apparently you didn't get the message. Let me make it loud and clear!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Princess Audrey''': Vandal, what do you think you are doing?
:'''Vandal Savage''': (''counting on his fingers'') Destroying the Justice League, building a railgun, assuming total dominion over the nations of the earth...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''J'onn, Flash, Lantern, and the crew leave the space station'')
:'''Flash''': Hey, we can't just leave, what's to stop somebody else from taking control of that thing.
:(''the space station explodes'')
:'''Green Lantern''': That.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': [''casually''] You're in my way. ''[Hits Vandal Savage with a chair]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''': You know, we never did get to finish our dance.
:'''Batman''': [''showing no reaction''] I don't know what you're talking about.
:'''Wonder Woman''': If you say so. ''[takes his arm]'' But you're still taking me dancing.

===Hearts And Minds===
:(''in the Watchtower infirmary'')
:'''Flash''': Lucky for The Big K we've got Martian care on our League HMO.
:'''Martian Manhunter''': Bolovax physiology is very similar to my own.
:'''Hawkgirl''': And how much of this is guesswork?
:'''Martian Manhunter''': I would rather not say.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': And what about this Katma Tui?
:'''[[w:Kilowog|Kilowog]]''': I'm not sure what happened to her. She was the Green Lantern who trained John.
:'''Hawkgirl''': They must have been close.
:'''Kilowog''': Very close.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Flash and Kilowog check John's apartment for his power battery; Flash searches the fridge]''
:'''Flash''': Aha, I knew it! Johnny does have a kink in his armor. Bob and Terry's.
:''[offers Kilowog ice cream; he eats it, container and all]''
:'''Kilowog''': Delicious!
:'''Flash''': Riiight. Stick with me big guy, I'll open up a whole new world for you. ''[Runs over to TV]'' Hey, check this out! People's exhibit B; [[w:Old Yeller (1957 film)|''Old Yeller'']].
:''[Shows Kilowog the videocassette; he eats it.]''
:'''Kilowog''': Delicious!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Despero|Despero]]''': Feel the power of my rage! Feel the power of my ''hate!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': Ah, you must be the mystery woman.
:'''Katma Tui''': And you must be?
:'''Flash''': Delighted to meet you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Katma Tui|Katma Tui]]''': So, do you still snore?
:'''Green Lantern''': I wouldn't know.
:'''Katma Tui''': Well, I'd like to stay and relive old times, but...it's the same drill as before.
:'''Green Lantern''': Duty calls.
:'''Katma Tui''': Duty calls.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Despero''': Go! The conquest begins now! Emblazon my word and will across the cosmos!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[John discovers he can no longer use his ring properly]''
:'''Katma Tui''': Then we start over. I trained you once, I can do it again.
:'''Green Lantern''': Back to basics? I don't think so.
:'''Katma Tui''': The problem with half the Corps, you included, is that once you learn to use your rings like jackhammers, you forget the subtleties of manipulation and control!
:'''Green Lantern''': I know, I know - &quot;the mind is the weapon, not the metal.&quot;
:'''Katma Tui''': At least you remember that much. It's time to relearn what you've learned.
:'''Green Lantern''': Now you sound like [[w:Yoda|Yoda]].
:'''Katma Tui''': Look, you have two choices: let me help you retune your mental disciplines, or you can live with your emerald impotence.
:''[Flash walks by at the last word]''
:'''Flash''': Impotence? ''[John and Katma look at him]'' Right...I-I was just goin' over there...
:''[Speeds off]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Hawkgirl and Katma Tui watch John arming himself with guns]'':

:'''Katma Tui''': I'm afraid he's finished. When this mission is over, we'll have to recall Rayner to takeover John's sector.
:'''Hawkgirl''': Just like that?
:'''Katma Tui''': He's given up on himself.
:'''Hakwgirl''': He's not the only one. But I guess that's what happens when a toy loses its luster.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Hawkgirl walks over to John]'':
:'''Hawkgirl''': Are you going to need all those power cells?
:'''Green Lantern''': If that's what it takes. I can still pull my weight, you know. There's more to me than just a fancy ring.
:'''Hawkgirl''': I've always known that, John.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Despero''': (''After binding Katma to the power of Py'tar'') Now, who's next? (''He goes over to Hawkgirl'')
:'''Green Lantern''': Keep away from her!
:'''Despero''': The wings give her an exotic quality, wouldn't you agree? I don't think I'll put her in the army. I have just the place for her. As one of my personal attendants.
:'''Green Lantern''': Don't even think about it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[J'onn rises from the white flame possessed by Py'tar with three eyes]'':

:'''Flash''': Okay, we are officially spooked here.
:'''Py'tar''': Hear me, o children of Kalanor. Behold, I am the Py'tar, the living soul of this planet. Despero is a great deceiver. He has misused my power for his own petty ends. I say unto thee the Py'tar is not a source of hatred, but a beacon of hope. In times gone by, Kalanor was a paradise. It can be again. But thou must reject the dark ways of Despero and step into the light. The choice is thy.

===A Better World===
:''[The Justice League is attacking the White House, with Luthor in the Oval Office]''
:'''President Luthor''': ''[to himself]'' They couldn't see the beauty! No imagination! They'd rather fight!
:''[Superman bursts into the office]''
:'''Lord Superman''': Even this wasn't enough for you, was it? You had to have it all. Now we're on the brink of a war that could destroy the whole planet!
:'''President Luthor''': Could've been so perfect... paradise...
:'''Lord Superman''': And I let it get this far because of the law. And the will of the ''people.''
:'''President Luthor''': ''[laughing]'' The ''people?!'' This is all their fault! And they're gonna burn for it! ''Burn!''
:'''Lord Superman''': You're nothing but a mad dog now, aren't you?
:'''President Luthor''': Ooh, a threat! But this old dog still has a few teeth!
:''[Pulls out a drawer with a control box, and poises his finger above a red button. There is a pause.]''
:'''Lord Superman''': There are at least six different ways I can stop you right now.
:'''President Luthor''': But they all involve deadly force, don't they? And you don't do that. ''[Superman is silent]'' No. You ''need'' me. You wouldn't be much of a hero without a villain, and you ''do'' love being a hero, don't you? The cheering children, the swooning women - you love it so much, it's made you my most reliable accomplice!
:'''Lord Superman''': Accomplice?! What're you--
:'''President Luthor''': You could have crushed me any time you wanted. And it wasn't the law or the will of the people that stopped you - it was your ego. Being a hero was too important to you. You're as much responsible for this as I am! So go ahead. Fix it somehow, put me on trial, lock me up - but I'll beat it. And then we'll start the whole thing all over again.
:'''Lord Superman''': ...I did love being a hero. But if this is where it leads... I'm done with it. ''[eyes glow red]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lord Green Lantern and Lord Hawkgirl arrive at the college protest]''
:'''Lord Green Lantern''': Punks.
:'''Lord Hawkgirl''': Remember when everyone liked us?
:'''Lord Green Lantern''': Since when does that matter to you?
:'''Lord Hawkgirl''': Since I started seeing the fear on everyone's face.
:'''Lord Green Lantern''': You wanna talk about fear? When I was a kid, I went to bed every night scared that the whole world was gonna blow up. That's the way things were back then, and folks just accepted it. They didn't think there could be a better way. Well, we found one.
:'''Lord Hawkgirl''': So, do you sleep better now?
:'''Lord Green Lantern''': You know I do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lord Superman eating soup with Lois Lane at her Apartment]''
:'''Lord Superman''': Cold.
:'''Lois Lane''': It's Gazpacho, it's supposed to be.
:'''Lord Superman''': I wasn't talking about the soup. You gonna tell me what's wrong?
:'''Lois Lane''': After 2 years, you don't know?
:'''Lord Superman''': Here we go.
:'''Lois Lane''': The world's on permanent lockdown, free speech is all but dead, and you don't know what's wrong?
:'''Lord Superman''': Lois, we've been over this a thousand times. Why can't you see the bigger picture?
:'''Lois Lane''': I can see just fine, thank you. ''You're'' the one who can't see where this is leading.
:'''Lord Superman''': Lois, we're doing everything we can to-- ''[Lord Superman's Comlink beeps]'' Just a sec. Yeah?
:'''Lois Lane''': Go ahead, finish. You're doing everything you can to what, make sure everyone bows down, and worship you? Is that it?
:'''Lord Superman''': That's not what we want! Can't you just listen for a second?!
:'''Lord Batman''': Ah, love. Sorry to interrupt, but I need to see you and the others. 
:'''Lord Superman''': I'm busy.
:'''Lord Batman''': Now.
:'''Lord Superman''': I gotta go.
:'''Lois Lane''': We're not done with this.
:'''Lord Superman''': I know. Believe me, I know.
:'''Lois Lane''': You can't just write me off, like-like I'm some kind of hysterical-- ''[Lois tries to follow Lord Superman out the door but is stopped by two Police Officers ]''
:'''Police Officer A''': Sorry, Ms. Lane. But you know the rules: No leaving the premises, no unauthorized guests, no phone calls.
:'''Lois Lane''': Can't speak my mind, can't think.
:'''Police Officer B''': It's only temporary, ma'am. They gave us their word.
:'''Lois Lane''': Sucker. ''[Closes the door]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': ''[Referring to the Justice Lords' Martian Manhunter]'' Have you read his mind yet?
:'''Martian Manhunter''': Martians don't do that to one another.
:'''Batman''': Can't? Or won't?
:'''Martian Manhunter''': Both.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': You've thought of everything.
:'''Lord Batman''': No. Just everything you'll ever think of.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Batman is imprisoned; The Flash rapidly pushes buttons on a nearby control panel.]''
:'''Batman''': What are you doing?
:'''The Flash''': Trying every possible combination.
:'''Batman''': 9-1-9-3-9. ''[Date that the first Batman comic was published in Detective Comics]''
:''[Flash pauses, then punches it in, opening the door.]''
:'''Flash''': How'd you know?
:'''Batman''': They're the numbers I use. How did you get out?
:'''Flash''': I sped up my heart until it looked like it flat-lined.
:'''Batman''': I didn't know you could do that.
:'''Flash''': Neither did I, but I had to come up with something if you weren't going to.
:'''Batman''': I couldn't - not with him anticipating everything I could ever think of. But who could anticipate ''you''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lord Batman''': What are you hiding for?
:'''Batman''': I do my best work in the dark.
:'''Lord Batman''': I used to think that too. But what have you ever accomplished from there? Aside from scaring a few punks half to death and putting a few more in jail?
:'''Batman''': It all adds up.
:'''Lord Batman''': Not fast enough. '''If you really want to make a difference, if you want to change the system instead of just patching it, you can't be subtle. You've got to step into the sunlight. Take over, like we did.'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lord Batman''': Think about it - a world where there's no crimes. No victims. No pain.
:'''Batman''': ''And'' no choice! Who elected you, anyway?
:'''Lord Batman''': Who elected ''you?'' The problem with democracy is, it doesn't keep you very safe.
:'''Batman''': It has other virtues. But you seem to have forgotten them.
:'''Lord Batman''': ''I'' didn't forget! I just chose peace and security instead.
:'''Batman''': You grabbed power!
:'''Lord Batman''': And ''with'' that power, we've made a world where no eight-year-old boy will ever lose his parents...because of [[w:Joe Chill| some punk with a gun]]!
:'''Batman''': ''[pauses, then drops his Batarang]'' You win.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': They're as strong as we are and just as smart, but they're willing to kill.
:'''Superman''': '''What are you saying - that we have to be willing to kill too? I won't cross that line.'''
:'''Batman''': How else can we stop them?
:'''Superman''': You're the smart one. You figure it out.
:'''Batman''': We can't do it. Not unless we cross ''some'' kind of line.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': Wow, Supes, you really know how to bring down the house! (''Justice Lord Superman picks Flash up and raises his fist but then hesitates'') Can't do it, can you? I'm the last piece of your conscience, and this is the one thing you'll never do.
:'''Lord Superman''': '''I've done a lot of things I thought I'd never do these past two years. One more won't hurt.'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lex Luthor''': (''aiming a weapon'') This would be so sweet. (''hands it to Superman'') But... a deal's a deal.
:'''Green Lantern''': What deal?
:'''Superman''': A full pardon in exchange for his help.
:'''Lord Superman''': Everything he does from now on is your fault!
:'''Superman''': It's a high price - but it's better than the alternative.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lex Luthor gives an interview after his pardon]''
:'''Lex Luthor''':...but I can't take full credit. I never would have been able to reconfigure the Disruptor without Superman's high-speed assistance.
:'''Reporter 1''': Where is it now?
:'''Lex Luthor''': I believe Superman has it. That was part of our arrangement.
:'''Reporter 2''': Where do you go from here? Back to running LexCorp?
:'''Lex Luthor''': Oh, the business-world doesn't seem as challenging as it used to. And there's no poetry in it either. I have been giving some thought to...''politics''.

===Eclipsed===
:'''Green Lantern''': (''to Flash'') Why do you need a van? Wait - don't answer that; I ''don't'' wanna know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The Flash makes a surprise appearance on Gordon Godfrey's TV show'')
:'''Glorious Godfrey''': Ladies and gentlemen, it seems we have an unexpected guest. Not that we should be surprised. I mean, you're a superhero. You don't have to wait for an invitation. You go where you want, when you want. Right?
:'''Flash''': Yeah, but... we're the good guys!
:'''Glorious Godfrey''': Of course you are! And I'm sure you can account for the fact that since your so-called 'Justice League' formed, white-collar crime is up three percent!
:'''Flash''': White-collar? That's not really our...
:'''Glorious Godfrey''': Or maybe you'd care to explain why, on your watch, fifty percent of marriages now end in divorce... ''and the other fifty percent in death!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': This bites! Your commercial's stupid, you're a no-talent hack and your doughnuts are stale! I'm outta here fast, fast, fast!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glorious Godfrey''': Role models? Look, I've seen showgirls with more modesty than this so-called &quot;Wonder Woman&quot;.
:(''Wonder Woman smashes the TV screen with her fist'')
:'''Wonder Woman''': I will not tolerate this!
:'''Green Lantern''': Princess, I don't like Godfrey anymore than you do, but in this country, the man's entitled to his opinion. However boneheaded it is.
:'''Flash''': Democracy in action. Hey, didn't the Greeks invent that?
:(''Wonder Woman walks over to the window and looks at her outfit'')
:'''Wonder Woman''': And what's wrong with the way I dress?!
:'''Flash''':(''carefully'') Uh... you wanna take that?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Flash''': Where do these nuts come from?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Green Lantern''': He torched the sewers.
:'''Flash''': (''Grinning'') I was wondering what that smell was.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Flash and Green Lantern looking after an unconscious Wonder Woman'')
:'''Flash''': She doesn't look so hot.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': Let's say I believe you, how do we stop it - uh, them?
:'''Mophir''': Two ways. Pure light from Mophir's gem drives spirits back into Heart of Darkness.
:'''Flash''': Great. What's the second way?
:'''Mophir''': Separate host's head from body.
:'''Flash''': ... Bummer.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Green Lantern''': (''possessed'') You've lost, human.
:'''Flash''': Maybe you're right. Maybe it is hopeless. But like Granny Flash used to say: &quot;Why curse the dark, when you can light up a 700,000 watt candle!!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Superman''': How can we stop it?
:'''Martian Manhunter''': There is one possibility. To halt the process we would need to create an Einstein-Rosen Bridge to drain off the affecting anti-fusion matter.
:'''Flash''': Create a what to do what?
:'''Hawkgirl''': Make a wormhole to suck away the bad stuff.
:'''Flash''': Oh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Green Lantern''': Bring home the gold, hotshot.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hawkgirl''': ''[on audio]'' Lantern, is he...?
:'''Green Lantern''': He's in one piece. I think he's alright. ''[to an unconscious Flash]'' You hear me, buddy? You better be alright!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': ''[dreaming]'' Oh... Swirly lights... fuzzy grilled cheese... ''[wakes up]'' Huh? What happened?
:'''Wonder Woman''': Flash, you did it!
:'''Superman''': You saved everyone today.
:'''Wonder Woman''': How are you feeling?
:'''Flash''': Actually, kind of faint! (''to Wonder Woman'') I think I need some mouth-to-mouth.
:'''Hawkgirl''': (''quickly'') He's fine.

===The Terror Beyond===

:'''Superman''': That went well.
:'''Hawkgirl''': What, you expected her to confess to an act of war?
:'''Wonder Woman''': She's royalty. You were needlessly disrespectful.
:'''Hawkgirl''': Standard interrogation technique. I was bad cop.
:'''Superman''': You're always bad cop.
:'''Hawkgirl''': Why play against type?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aquaman''': Do you realize what you've done?! Leave here, now! 
:'''Superman''': Not without Grundy, and a good explanation.
:'''Doctor Fate''': You've ruined everything! Aquaman, stop them! I'll try to improvise something, but I must be allowed to concentrate!
:'''Solomon Grundy''': Go away! Superman always takes everything from Grundy! But not this time! This time, Grundy crush!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Solomon Grundy''': Bird-nose help Grundy? But Bird-nose and her friends hate Grundy.
:'''Hawkgirl''': Grundy help Bird-nose, Bird-nose help Grundy, okay? Excuse me, Hawkgirl smash.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Doctor Fate''': Be on your guard.
:'''Icthultu''': Speak not until spoken to, dust mote.
:'''Hawkgirl''': Okay, that was just rude.
:'''Icthultu''': Wind mote. Who are you?
:'''Hawkgirl''': Shayera Hol. Hawkgirl.
:'''Icthultu''': You have the stench of the Thanagarians upon you.
:'''Hawkgirl''': Says the giant squid.
:'''Icthultu''': Definitely Thanagarian. I will speak to the Hawkgirl before I destroy her. You others are of no interest.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Icthultu''': Speak to me, child of Thanagar.
:'''Hawkgirl''': Nothing to say. I've got [[w:flipping the bird|a gesture]] for you, but my hands are tied.
:'''Icthultu''': How I've missed your people's spirit.
:'''Hawkgirl''': We don't miss you. We outgrew you, thousands of years ago!
:'''Icthultu''': I gave your people everything. Why did you forsake me?
:'''Hawkgirl''': Forsake?! We threw you out! The price for your favours was too high.
:'''Icthultu''': My tribute was equitable. I earned your faith.
:'''Hawkgirl''': Really? What's a fair price for the souls of my ancestors?!
:'''Solomon Grundy''': ''[overhearing]'' Snake-face steal souls? Give Grundy back his soul, Snake-face, or Grundy crush!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shayera is poised to finish off the evil Icthultu.]''
:'''Icthultu''': You will not do this thing, Shayera Hol of Thanagar. Icthultu still has faith in you.
:'''Hawkgirl''': So do I.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Solomon Grundy''': Grundy thinks he is going away now...
:'''Hawkgirl''': No! Just hang on!
:'''Solomon Grundy''': Do you think Grundy's soul is waiting for him?
:'''Hawkgirl''': Grundy, I don't believe... ''[Grundy smiles gently and Hawkgirl smiles back tearfully]'' Yes, it's waiting for you.'''
:'''Solomon Grundy''': Then... Grundy gets his reward. ''[dies]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hawkgirl''': He was happy at the end. I still don't understand why.
:'''Aquaman''': It's [[faith]], Hawkgirl. You're not supposed to [[understand]] it. You just have it.'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Grundy's epitaph]''
:'''Solomon Grundy. Born On A Monday'''.

===Secret Society===
:'''Shade''': Now I get it. You're trying to set up another Injustice Gang, aren't ya?
:'''Giganta''': We call it a Society. A Secret Society.
:'''Shade''': Call it what you want, it won't work. I know, I've tried. Twice!
:'''Grodd''': What's that old saying? Third time's the charm.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[during &quot;practice&quot;]''
:'''Flash''': ''[after Batman blows up a robot]'' Hey! That was my bad guy!
:'''Batman''': ''[to Green Lantern]'' Happy? ''[walking away]'' Call me when it's important. And not before.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Clayface|Clayface]]''': What kind of a guy would lock somebody up and keep him as if he was property?
:'''[[w:Killer Frost|Killer Frost]]''': It was sick, honey. But you don't have to worry about him anymore. ''[Smiles]'' Nobody has to.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Clayface''': You didn't think I'd come here without reinforcements, did ya?
:'''Batman''': Wish I'd thought of that. ''[door blows in behind him, revealing the rest of the Justice League, Batman smiles]'' Oh, wait. (''smug grin'') I DID.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shade's Thug''': ''[being held upside down off a roof]'' Who do you think you are, Batman?
:'''Flash''': It's been a long night. Just tell me where Shade is, okay?
:'''Shade's Thug''': [[w:Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy|Look, buddy, I know Batman. I once ratted out a counterfeiter to Batman. And believe me, you are no Bat-]] ''(Flash drops him)'' -MAAAAAAAAAAANNNN!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': ''[standing over &quot;unconscious&quot; Sinestro]'' Looks like I didn't need you after all, yo. But you can help me tie him up.
:'''Batman''': ...Catch. ''[shoots Flash in the chest with a grapple]'' The real Flash would've been too fast for that. ''[shocks him, revealing Clayface]''
:'''Clayface''': What gave me away?
:'''Batman''': You overplayed your part, yo.
:'''Grodd''': Everyone's a critic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hawkgirl''': You don't care about me.
:'''Green Lantern''': What are you talking about? I'd give my life for you!
:(''awkward pause'')
:'''Hawkgirl''': You don't know what you're saying.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Giganta|Giganta]]''': ''[to Superman]'' Wouldn't hit a woman, would you?
:'''Wonder Woman''': I would. ''[slams her down]''

===Hereafter===
:''[Wonder Woman blocks a bolt of lightning from the [[w: Weather Wizard|Weather Wizard]] with her bracelets.]''
:'''The Flash''': There are ''so'' many reasons why that shouldn't have worked.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kalibak|Kalibak]]''': I just flattened Wonder Woman! You really think you can beat me?
:'''Batman''': I'm not trying to beat you. I'm trying to ''stall'' you.
:'''Kalibak''': Stall me? For what? ''[Superman appears behind him]'' Aw- ''[gets punched in the face]''
:'''Superman''': For what it's worth, I don't think you could've taken Batman, either.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Superman has been apparently killed; Wonder Woman grabs Toyman.]''
:'''[[w: Toyman|Toyman]]''': What are you going to do to me?
:'''[[w: Wonder Woman|Wonder Woman]]''': I'm going to punch a hole in your head.
:'''The Flash''': We don't do that to our enemies.
:'''Wonder Woman''': Speak for yourself!
:'''The Flash''': I'm trying to speak for Superman.
:''[a grief-stricken Wonder Woman releases Toyman.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Flash''': I used to be able to goof around so much because I knew Superman had my back. Now all I've got is his example, and that's gonna have to be enough.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alfred''': I'm afraid it's time, master Bruce. 
:'''Batman''': I'm not going to the funeral.
:'''Alfred''': ''[surprised]'' Why?
:'''Batman''': Because he's ''not'' dead. What tipped me off was the lack of evidence. 
:'''Alfred''': Sir?
:'''Batman''': ''[showing the table of debris]'' I brought all this from the crime scene, and I've examined it every way I know how.
:'''Alfred''': And you found?
:'''Batman''': Absolutely nothing. No scorching, no residue, no radiation. Objects were here, then they were gone.
:'''Alfred''': I'm afraid I don't understand. 
:'''Batman''': Matter can't be created or destroyed, just changed from one form into another. 
:'''Alfred''': As you say, sir. I believe I heard something about that when I attended grammar school. 
:'''Batman''': So unless the law of conservation of mass has been repealed, there's still hope. [''As Toyman's weapon was technological, not magical, the laws of physics must apply.'']

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lex Luthor walks into Superman's funeral.]''
:'''[[w: Lois Lane|Lois Lane]]''': Luthor! How ''dare'' you show your face here!
:'''Lex Luthor''': Lois, I-- ''[Lois slaps him]''
:'''Lois Lane''': You've come to gloat! You've tried to get rid of him for years! Are you happy now? Isn't this what you've always wanted? I hate you! I HATE YOU! ... ''[breaks down into tears]''
:'''Lex Luthor''': ''[takes her into his arms]'' Believe it or not, I'm going to miss him, too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Martian Manhunter''': Though we gather here today, bound together in sorrow and loss, we share a precious gift. We are, all of us, privileged to live a life that has been touched by Superman. The Man of Steel possessed many extraordinary gifts, and he shared them with us freely. None of these gifts were more remarkable than his ability to discern what needed to be done, and his unfailing courage in doing it, whatever the personal cost. Let us all strive to accept his gift, and pass it along, as an ongoing tribute to Kal-El of Krypton, the immigrant from the stars, who taught us all how to be heroes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': I've got some things to say. I should've said them when you were here, but... Despite our differences, I have nothing but respect for you. I hope you knew... ''know'' that, you showed me that justice doesn't always have to come from the darkness. I'll miss... ''[something in the distance explodes]'' What did you always call it, Clark? The never ending battle?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Lobo (DC Comics)|Lobo]]''': What's with all the long faces, Justice-Dweebs? It's like a wake in here. Lighten up! The answer to all your problems has arrived. Since we're gonna be workin' together, you can call me Lobo.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Green Lantern''': Good instinct. His name's Lobo. He's a lowlife bounty hunter.
:'''Lobo''': The Main Man happens to be the best bounty hunter in the known universe. You can ask Superman if he weren't busy pushing up daisies.
:'''The Flash''': Hey, don't talk about him like that. Superman was our friend.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''': You're no Superman.
:'''Lobo''': The ladies say different.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lobo''': You want an audition? C'mon, ladies, let's dance!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Villains are terrorizing Metropolis.]''
:'''Kalibak''': This looks like a job for Superman! But I don't think he's ''coming''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hawkgirl''': You wanna settle down now? Please say no!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Martian Manhunter''': The Justice League is about more than physical power. It's about ideals, caring, helping.
:'''Lobo''': Buy me a ticket to Pukesville.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kalibak''': I'm going to grind you into paste!
:'''Lobo''': Awful brave talk for a dead man.
:'''Kalibak''': I'm not dead yet.
:'''Lobo''': You're right. My watch is about ten seconds fast.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lobo''': Pretty good huh? When you got Lobo on your team, who needs Superman?
:''[the members of the Justice League lower their heads in sadness]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vandal Savage''': The Earth belongs to the cockroaches now... oh, and me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Superman''': You're insane.
:'''[[w: Vandal Savage|Vandal Savage]]''': True, but that doesn't mean I'm not good company. Say, you wanna come over to my house? (''Superman looks confused'') Like you've got something ''better'' to do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Superman''': ''[holding a rock over Vandal Savage's head]'' I should smash your skull.
:'''Vandal Savage''': Go ahead, we both know it wouldn't work.
:''[Superman pauses and drops the rock. They both stand up.]''
:'''Superman''': What now...?
:'''Vandal Savage''': ...Lunch?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Superman picks up a copy of &quot;Life Strategies: Coping With Yourself&quot;]''
:'''Superman''': Self-help books? You don't seem the type.
:'''Vandal Savage''': I read whatever I can find. Anyway, I've got issues, what with my destroying the Earth and all.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Superman''': What happens to you?
:'''Vandal Savage''': Redemption, if I'm lucky. Don't worry about me. Go back to your friends. Do what you do best, what you were born to do - save the world.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:[''Everyone is marveling at Superman's return'']
:'''Martian Manhunter''': You were greatly missed, my friend... by all of us.
:[''All eyes turn to Batman, who is standing apart with arms crossed, emotionless'']
:'''Wonder Woman''': Don't let him fool you. Your death hit him as hard as it did any of us.
:'''Superman''': Really?
:'''Batman''': No. I never believed you were dead in the first place.
:'''Superman''': I guess that's sort of a compliment.
:'''Lobo''': Ain't this great? The whole team together again, all eight of us!
:'''Superman''': Count again. You're fired.
:'''Lobo''': ''What?!''
:'''Superman''': You're not Justice League material, Lobo. Go chase a bail-jumper. I don't care what you do, just clear out.
:'''Lobo''': This is the thanks I get? What a stinkin' rip. ''[hops onto his Hog]'' Next time you lollipops need help, don't bother asking the Main Man! ''[flies away]''
:'''Martian Manhunter''': ... We didn't ask you ''this'' time!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In the future, Vandal Savage is sitting alone after sending Superman back to the present. Soon, people start appearing around him, along with an intact city, while Savage himself starts to disappear, indicating that Superman managed to stop him in the past]''
:'''Vandal Savage''': Thank you, my friend. ''[fades away]''

===Wild Cards===
:'''Hawkgirl''': Aha, that's it. Right there.
:'''Green Lantern''': No it's not.
:'''Hawkgirl''': I think I would know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': Ah, ah, ah! Don't touch that remote. I know it's heartbreaking to have your favorite shows preempted, but look what you're getting instead: me! And a whole truckload of mindless violence and wanton property damage, everything that makes TV great! So stay tuned - you won't believe your eyes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': Here's how we do this little tango: I've tucked away a great, big time bomb somewhere on the Vegas strip. Only the Justice League can defuse it, 'cause if anyone ''else'' tries, ''(shows audience a switch)'' I press this, and kablooie! No waiting! Now, I know you want to see the big bomb hunt from the best point of view, so I've set up hundreds of cameras all over town! The League won't be able to burp without us looking in! And since every good suspense show has to have a ticking clock, here's mine! ''(a display appears on screen, counting down from 23 minutes - the average length of an episode without commercials)'' Oh, what were you expecting from me? A round number?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': The Royal Flush Gang! Jack, Ten, King, and... uhhh... ''[as the camera pans up from Queen's feet, showing her figure]'' Queen!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': ''[watching Batman's jet land and Batman step out]'' I see one of our stars approaching the red carpet! And he’s in black — always chic. ''[Javelin lands and the rest of the Justice League step out]'' But here come the fashion disasters. I’m surprised their mummies let them out of the house looking like that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': While they stumble around trying to find my bomb, let's see how the local economy's doing.
:''[A slot machine area is deserted.]''
:'''Joker''': Oh, it looks a little slow. ''[An old woman is shown at one of the slots]'' Ma'am? Ma'am? Aren't you scared?
:'''Old Lady''': ''[not looking up]'' Of what? This thing's gotta pay up sooner or later.
:'''Joker''': Man, I LOVE this town!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Royal Flush Gang is fleeing the scene]''
:'''Joker''': Oh, you're breaking an old man's heart, kids! Stand up to them like I would! If I were there... and if I had superpowers and... Oh, for Pete's sake, go back there and beat on them!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': ''[after telling the origin story of his minions]'' The government said it was protecting them. But what it really wanted was to turn them into human weapons. [[w:Scooby-Doo|And they would have gotten away with it too, if not for ''me'' meddling with the kids!]]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''':  ''[about Ten]'' Ten feels no pain - literally! And he's just as strong as Stupidman!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': ''[about Batman]'' ''Him'' again, it's always ''him''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bookie''': Smart money's all on your boy Jack, Mr. J.! Batman has the edge in experience—and weight, I can't help noticing; I suspect he's indulging in too many &quot;Bat-donuts&quot;—but Jack is younger and he definitely has the longer reach.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': I can't believe he didn't suspect a trap. See what happens when you don't watch enough television?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': The suspense is killing me! Of course, it's going to be the ''explosions'' that kill them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': ''[after Green Lantern reveals a false bomb located at the bottom of a river]'' Aww, I was hoping someone would drown trying to disarm that. ''C'est la vie.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': ''[After locating a bomb but not knowing how to disarm it, talking to Batman via comlink]'' Batman, I've got a problem!
:'''Batman''': ''[Being strangled in a battle with Jack, and attempting to fight]'' You... don't... SAY!
:'''Flash''': I found a bomb. You've got to talk me through disarming it.
:'''Batman''': ''[throwing exploding batarangs at Jack]'' Okay. Remove the lid...
:'''Flash''': Already done.
:'''Batman''': Don't jump ahead! Do exactly as I say!
:'''Flash''': I opened it before I called! ''[sound of blow landing]'' Batman, you okay?
:'''Batman''': ''[evading Jack's punches]'' Grasp the red metal collar with both hands, pull it straight up. It's magnetized, don't touch the sides, or it'll blow up the whole block.
:'''Flash''': Done.
:'''Batman''': Disconnect the following wires in- ''[Jack hits him]'' ''AH!'' -in precisely this order: blue, yellow-and-black striped, red, then black.
:'''Flash''': ''[does so]'' Okay, what next?
:'''Batman''': You're done. Find another one!
:'''Flash''': I'm on it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Green Lantern and Hawkgirl have found a bomb]''
:'''Hawkgirl''': Why not put a force field around it and let it blow?!
:'''Green Lantern''': I don't know if I can contain an explosion that size!
:'''Hawkgirl''': Maybe you should let me defuse it!
:'''Green Lantern''': Maybe you should shut up!!
:''[cut to Joker in the studio]''
:'''Joker''': Phew! Is it just me or is there something going on between those two? Will Green Lantern ever admit to his feelings? Will Hawkgirl ever stop sublimating her passions with that big honkin' mace? Will true love conquer all? ''[raises his detonator]'' Not on ''my'' show! 
:''[in the casino, the bomb lets out a loud beep; Lantern spins around and fires a force blast that ejects Hawkgirl from the casino, a split-second before it explodes and collapses.]''
:'''Hawkgirl''': JOHN!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': Ooh! Medical drama, life and death stakes, compelling human conflict...RATINGS!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Superman''': Give it up, kid. There's no way you can beat me.
:'''[[w:Royal Flush Gang|Ten]]''': I don't have to ''beat'' you. I just have to slow you down until the bomb blows!
:'''Superman''': Hold that thought! ''[Punches Ten high into the sky, and defuses the bomb. Ten falls back down]'' Now, where were we?
:''[another punch sends Ten flying, and Superman flies after him]''
:'''Joker''': A person could ''really'' learn to hate that guy. Let's go back to watching Green Lantern croak - that should cheer me up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': Harley! Where's Joker?
:'''[[w:Harley Quinn|Harley Quinn]]''': After all these years, you still think I'd give up Mister J?
:'''Batman''': Why not? He gave you up.
:'''Harley Quinn''': That was a long time ago! He's changed! We've been to couple's counseling!
:'''Batman''': I'm talking about right now. Or haven't you been watching the show? You've seen the way he touches her hair, the way he rubs her shoulders.
:'''Harley Quinn''': You mean Ace? She's just a kid!
:'''Batman''': Really? Then why is she with him while you're out here in the cold?
:''[Harley pauses, then punches Batman in the face.]''
:'''Joker''': Have to admit, didn't see that one coming...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': Even you can't disarm one of my bombs in time!
:'''Flash''': Shut up!
:'''Joker''': What kind of retort is that? You're not even trying!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Superman''': That was quite a stunt you just pulled off.
:'''Flash''': I know. Can't wait to catch the rerun.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': You know, our show was picked up by all the news channels. And the last 15 minutes or so's been running on the Broadcast networks. According to my projections, we've got somewhere between 60-70 million people watching right now, and that was the point all along. This whole thing was a stunt, to get as many of you watching as possible, and it worked! My Royal Flush Gang provided the conflict, the Justice League brought the star power, and I brought the shocking surprise ending. Everyone watching this show right now is witness to my greatest joke ever. In just over five minutes, you'll all be hopelessly, incurably insane.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': [[w:Ace (comics)|She]] can send out thought waves that can alter perception... but enough with the jargon, she can drive you crazy just by ''looking'' at you - either in person, or on TV. Even as I speak, millions of you slack-jawed couch potatoes are slowly losing your grip on reality - which in my opinion is highly overrated anyway. But you can't look away, even though you know something is terribly wrong. And the best part is, I'm immune to all of this because I'm ALREADY crazy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': We can't let everything we have be ruined by a silly misunderstanding!
:'''Harley Quinn''': And just what is it that I'm not understanding?!
:'''Joker''': That we're two of a kind. That you'll always come back to me.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Yeah, I guess I do, don't I...?
:'''Joker''': Like the swallows in Capistrano. And there's one other thing you're not getting. 
:'''Harley Quinn''': ''[innocently]'' What?
:'''Joker''': ''[enraged]'' THAT YOU LED BATMAN RIGHT TO MY DOORSTEP!!! ''[smacks Harley away]'' Tough love. Very effective, don't you think so, Batman? ''[silence]'' Yoo-hoo? Batman? I know you're up there s--OH!! ''[Batman punches him]'' Oh, there you are.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Joker sings to the tune of &quot;London Bridge&quot;]''
:'''Joker''': ''(punches Batman)'' Big old Bats has fallen down. ''(punches him again)'' On the ground. ''(again)'' Mind unsound. ''(again)'' Big old Bats has fallen down ''(again)'' I'm so happy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Batman has pulled the mind-control headband out of Joker's pocket. Ace is furious)''
:'''Joker''': Just... Just a souvenir, that's all! Give me that! ''(Tries to take it back)''
:'''Ace''': ''(stands up and advances on Joker)'' &quot;I'm not afraid of you...&quot;
:'''Joker''': ''(scared)'' Wait ... puh-please ...! ''(backs away)''
:'''Ace''': &quot;I know what it's like to frighten other people. That's why I'm not afraid of you. I'm the only one.&quot;
:'''Joker''': Don't do this! ''(cowers in fear and closes his eyes, obviously terrified)''
:'''Ace''': ''(petting Joker's head)'' Do what?
:'''Joker''': ''(looks up)'' That's my little Acey! Everything's going to be... AAAAAARRGH!
:''(Ace uses her powers on Joker to plunge him into a catatonic state)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[in the Watchtower's infirmary]''
:'''Hawkgirl''': It was the shock of the detonation that stopped his heart... no, he's going to be fine. I'll stay with him tonight. Batman, about before? I'm sorry I...
:'''Batman''': No. We never leave a man behind. Right?
:'''Hawkgirl''': ''[smiles]'' Right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''John Stewart''': You know how we feel about each other.
:'''Hawkgirl''': John...
:'''John Stewart''': And I know you feel the same way.
:'''Hawkgirl''': It's not that simple. John, this can't go any further.
:'''John Stewart''': Why not?
:'''Hawkgirl''': Well... we work together.
:'''John Stewart''': So? Gives us something in common.
:'''Hawkgirl''': We can't be worrying about each other when we're fighting the bad guys.
:'''John Stewart''': Too late for that. What else you got?
:'''Hawkgirl''': Ugh... It's crazy, I mean, look at us. Just look at us.
:'''John Stewart''': I see a man, and a woman.
:''[John removes Shayera's helmet. They slowly get closer and kiss]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Old Lady''': Well, it's about time.

===Comfort And Joy===
:'''Jonathan Kent''': It's good to have you home again, son.
:'''Clark Kent''': It's good to be back, Pa. And I brought a friend.
:(''Clark walks in the house and J'onn appears in the doorway'')
:'''Martian Manhunter''': Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Kent. I hope I'm not intruding. Super.. er, Clark was most insistent I join you for the holiday. My name is J'onn. I'm a Martian.
:(''Jonathan and Martha usher J'onn into the house'')
:'''Jonathan Kent''': Oh, we're no strangers to aliens in this house. Make yourself at home.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonathan Kent''': Okay, everybody! I'm turning on the Christmas tree!
:'''Clark Kent''': Pa, that's my job!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Flash''': Wow. Someone sure did a number on this place.
:'''Ultra-Humanite''': Actually, I hadn't even started... Do you believe the horrendous amount of public funding spent on this so-called ''art''? It's garbage! An affront to any decent human aesthetic!
:'''The Flash''': Oh-''kay'', I'll just take you back to prison, where you won't have to look at the ''ugly'' old sculptures anymore.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultra-Humanite''': You'll be happy to know, Flash, that your words - ''jejeune'' though they were - did not fall on deaf ears. I appreciate the sentiment behind them, and therefore call a truce in honor of the season.
:'''The Flash''': Seriously?
:'''Ultra-Humanite''': You'll have the toy to give to your young friends. I'm improving it, too.
:'''The Flash''': ''[suspicious]'' It's not gonna blow up or anything?
:'''Ultra-Humanite''': ''[incredulous]'' Flash. It ''is'' Christmas.
:'''The Flash''': Okay, but why did you hit me?
:'''Ultra-Humanite''': You hit me first. Hand me that screwdriver, will you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Flash''': Hey, kids, Santa Flash is back! ''[the children cheer]'' Along with my special helper, Freaky The Snowman! ''[the children grow silent]''
:'''Ultra-Humanite''': Just give them the toy and take me to jail.
:'''The Flash''': Are you sure it won't, y'know...? ''[makes exploding noise]''
:'''Ultra-Humanite''': Oh, for Heaven's sake!
:'''DJ Rubba' Ducky''': ''[in Ultra-Humanite's voice]'' Hello, children. Come close and I'll tell you a story.
:'''Child 1''': Is that DJ Rubba' Ducky?
:'''Child 2''': He sounds weird.
:'''DJ Rubba' Ducky''': ''[in Ultra-Humanite's voice]'' Little Clara had just received a beautiful toy nutcracker from her godfather, the mysterious Herr Drosselmeyer.
:'''Ultra-Humanite''': Well? An improvement, wouldn't you say?
:'''The Flash''': I kinda liked it when he made the poopy noise... ''[In spite of this, the children keep hearing the toy telling the story of ''The Nutcracker'' until they start sleeping.]'' ...but this is good, too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hawkgirl''': (''Entering a bar'') Hey, guys!
:'''Patrons''': Shayera!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''as J'onn sings his song'')
:'''Clark Kent''': And he said he didn't bring a gift.

===Starcrossed===
:[''Green Lantern has just found out about the relationship between Hawkgirl and Hro Talak'']
:'''Batman''': The most mysterious creatures in the universe.
:'''Green Lantern''': Sorry?
:'''Batman''': Women. Don't be too hard on yourself. You didn't know she was spoken for.
:'''Green Lantern''': How did you...?
:'''Batman''': It wasn't hard to figure out. The point is these things happen. You just have to accept it and move on.
:'''Green Lantern''': Thanks, I'll keep that in mind.
:[''He starts to walk off but J'onn J'onnz (Martian Manhunter) stops him'']
:'''Martian Manhunter''': Believe me, I know the pain when two people who are involved...
:[''The Flash speeds up to them'']
:'''Flash''': Who's involved? [''He looks at Green Lantern''] You and Hawkgirl?! Get out. [''Green Lantern glares at Flash''] Really?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''': Don't be afraid, little man. I won't bite.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:[''The League is on the run from the Thanagarians, hiding in a department store'']
:'''Martian Manhunter''': They'll have the whole city covered by now.
:'''Flash''': Who knows? Maybe they'll get tired and go home. [''Everyone looks at him''] ...Yeah, I know. But a little optimism at a time like this couldn't hurt.
:'''Thanagarians''': This is the voice of the Thanagarian Occupational Authority. Your so-called Justice League is in violation of our martial law. They are to be considered an enemy and dealt with on sight. Any person found aiding or harboring them will be summarily punished.
:'''Flash''': Okay, so much for optimism.
:'''Batman''': For the time being, we're going to have to go underground.
:'''Wonder Woman''': How exactly do we hide when the entire planet is looking for us?
:'''Martian Manhunter''': They'll be looking for the Justice League. Without our costumes, we are merely ordinary citizens. ''[shifts into human form]''
:'''Flash''': Hold on a second here. What about the whole secret identity thing? I mean, I trust you guys, but I'm not sure I'm ready to--
:'''Batman''': ''[points at Flash]'' Wally West, ''[points at Superman]'' Clark Kent... ''[removes own mask]'' Bruce Wayne.
:'''Flash''': ''[stares, wide-eyed]'' ...Showoff. ''[shrugs and removes his cowl]''
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''[ruffles his hair]'' Red hair. It suits you.
:'''Flash''': You think? ''[gets hit in the head by a shirt]''
:'''Batman''': ''[stalks past, looking disgruntled]'' Change. Now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[in order to hide from pursuing Thanagarians, Diana and Bruce take refuge in a diner and, when the Thanagarians enter, Diana pulls Bruce into a kiss. They separate after the soldiers leave]''
:'''Diana Prince''': Sorry.
:'''Bruce Wayne''': ''[with a grin]'' Don't be.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Shayera tries to convince Hro to relocate the hyperspace generator'')
:'''Hro Talak''': Have you forgotten why we fight? Of what horrors the Gordanians are capable of? Have you forgotten my long years rotting in their stinking prison camps?! (''takes off his headdress, revealing the scars on the side of his face'') I haven't!
:'''Shayera Hol''': I have forgotten nothing. But this war is no excuse to-
:'''Hro Talak''': I am your commander! You will not question me!
:'''Shayera Hol''': I don't even know you anymore.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Wally and John arrive at Wayne Manor; Alfred answers the door]''
:'''Wally West''': Uh, hi. We're looking for Bruce Wayne? We're friends.
:'''[[w:Alfred Pennyworth|Alfred Pennyworth]]''': Of course, Master Bruce is expecting you. This way, please.
:'''Wally West''': So, [[w:Jeeves|Jeeves]], do you come with the place, or does &quot;Master Bruce&quot; just rent you out for parties?
:'''Alfred Pennyworth''': I've been in service here since the master was in diapers.
:'''Wally West''': ''[turns to John]'' Now, ''there's'' a picture.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Your guests have arrived, sir.
:'''Batman''': You're late.
:'''John Stewart''': Nice to see you too.
:'''Wally West''': [''seeing Batman's trophy T-rex''] Hey! That's a giant dinosaur!
:'''Alfred Pennyworth''': And I thought ''Batman'' was the detective.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Examining data on Thanagarian plans]''
:'''Batman''': Ingenious.
:'''Superman''': Yeah, I'm impressed. Let's go wreck it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Batman throws batarangs at oncoming Thanagarians. At first nothing happens.'']
:'''Thanagarian soldier''': Your weapons are pitiful!
:'''Batman''': Wait for it...
:''[Swarm of bats attack the Thanagarians]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Flash causes the giant penny in the Batcave to fall on two Thanagarian warriors'')
:'''Flash''': Tails! I win!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': Well?
:'''Martian Manhunter''': I have no idea how to fly this vehicle.
:'''Flash''': What's this do? ''[pushes random button that causes the ship to fire at Wayne Manor, narrowly missing Alfred]''
:'''Batman''': ''[through clenched teeth]'' That's. ''Not.'' Helping.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alfred Pennyworth''': ''[finding a bound Thanagarian]'' I've asked Master Bruce to refrain from leaving trash on the lawn.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shayera Hol''': I came to help.
:'''Flash''': Hawkpeople all over the planet, martial law, us getting chased like dogs--I don't think we can take much more of your help.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Superman, Wonder Woman and Green Lantern are approaching the Thanagarian command ship, as it deploys interceptor fighters'')
:'''Wonder Woman''': Pretty bad odds.
:'''Superman''': Yeah. They don't stand a chance.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': Okay, the Watchtower is ours again. So where's your secret weapon?
:'''Batman''': You're standing in it.
:'''Flash''': Wait, you mean we're gonna...?
:'''Batman''': Take the Watchtower out of orbit and drop it right on top of their little science project.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Batman helps J'onn and the Flash load the unconscious Thanagarians into an escape pod, then closes the door and launches the pod, leaving himself behind.]''
:'''Martian Manhunter''': What are you doing?
:'''Batman''': I can't risk having the Watchtower burn up on re-entry.  I'll have to guide it in, manually. Gentlemen... it's been an honor.
:''[Flash slumps on the floor of the pod as it disengages and maneuvers away from the Watchtower.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hro Talak''': This won't be like the last time you stole something from me.
:'''Green Lantern''': Anything I took was freely offered. Maybe you should take better care of your stuff.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hro Talak''': I've beaten you, little man. Any last words?
:'''Green Lantern''': Yeah - you can suck my dick, you punk motherfucker. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Green Lantern''': My grandma hits harder than you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': ''[over radio-link]'' We're cutting it a little close! Have you shut off the force-field?
:'''Superman''': Not yet.  Where are you?
:'''Batman''': Aboard the Watchtower, guiding it to target.
:'''Superman''': ''[shocked]'' That's insane! Get out of there!
:'''Batman''': Negative! I'm staying until... ''[static over radio]''
:'''Superman''': Batman! ''[abandons fight]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Batman loses consciousness just before Superman arrives. Superman rips up the seat he's buckled into, and flies him away from the Watchtower before impact.]''
:'''Superman''': ''[As they pick themselves up from the rubble]'' Always have to be the hero, don't you?
:'''Batman''': Right back at ya.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shayera Hol''': They've been in there a long time.
:'''Alfred Pennyworth''': If I may be so bold? I'm neither a superhero, nor a soldier, so I'm hardly qualified to judge your actions by those standards. But I do know this: without the great sacrifices you've made, we wouldn't be here to share this nice pot of tea. Whatever they decide in that room, in my eyes, you'll always be a hero.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': No Hawkgirl. No Javelin. No Watchtower. What's gonna happen to the League now? Do we all just walk away?
:'''Martian Manhunter''': No. We rebuild, starting today.
:'''Superman''': J'onn's right. Earth still needs us, and we'll never let her down.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Green Lantern''': Where are you gonna go?
:'''Shayera Hol''': I don't know. Someplace where the fate of the world wasn't in my hands. Someplace where there's no more secrets, no more lies.
:'''Green Lantern''': Was it all a lie?
:'''Shayera Hol''': I love you, John. I never lied about that. ''[flies away]''
:'''Green Lantern''': ''[tears falling off his face]'' I love you, too.

==See also==
* ''[[Justice League Unlimited]]''

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Justice League (TV series)}}
*{{imdb title|id=0275137|title=Justice League}}

[[Category:Pages which need their copyright status checked]]
[[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]]
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[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Cartoon Network shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
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[[Category:Animated television programs based on DC Comics]]
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  <page>
    <title>Malcolm in the Middle</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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    <revision>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-26T21:12:36Z</timestamp>
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        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
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      <text bytes="181617" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Malcolm in the Middle|Malcolm in the Middle]]''''' is an American [[w:situation comedy|sitcom]] shown on [[w:Fox Broadcasting Company|Fox]] from January 9, 2000 to May 14, 2006. The series was created by [[w:Linwood Boomer|Linwood Boomer]] and starred [[w:Frankie Muniz|Frankie Muniz]] as the titular character Malcolm. And is filmed by Satin City Regency Television and Fox Television Studios and sometimes on 20th Television.

__NOTOC__
{| border=1 cellspacing=0
! align=center bgcolor=#FFCCFF | [[#Season 1|Season 1]]
! align=center bgcolor=#FF99CC | [[#Season 2|Season 2]]
! align=center bgcolor=#CCCCFF | [[#Season 3|Season 3]]
! align=center bgcolor=#99CCCC | [[#Season 4|Season 4]]
! align=center bgcolor=#9999FF | [[#Season 5|Season 5]]
! align=center bgcolor=#9999CC | [[#Season 6|Season 6]]
! align=center bgcolor=#9966FF | [[#Season 7|Season 7]]
|-
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Pilot|Pilot]]
| align=center | [[#Traffic Jam|Traffic Jam]]
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Houseboat|Houseboat]]
| align=center | [[#Zoo|Zoo]]
| align=center | [[#Vegas|Vegas]]
| align=center | [[#Reese Comes Home|Reese Comes Home]]
| align=center | [[#Burning Man|Burning Man]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Halloween Approximately|Halloween Approximately]]
| align=center | [[#Humilithon|Humilithon]]
| align=center | [[#Watching the Baby|Watching the Baby]]
| align=center | [[#Buseys Run Away|Buseys Run Away]]
| align=center | [[#Health Insurance|Health Insurance]]
|-
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Red Dress|Red Dress]]
| align=center | [[#Lois' Birthday|Lois' Birthday]]
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Emancipation|Emancipation]]
| align=center | [[#Family Reunion|Family Reunion]]
| align=center | [[#Goodbye Kitty|Goodbye Kitty]]
| align=center | [[#Standee|Standee]]
| align=center | [[#Reese vs. Stevie|Reese vs. Stevie]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Dinner Out|Dinner Out]]
| align=center | [[#Stupid Girl|Stupid Girl]]
| align=center | [[#Thanksgiving|Thanksgiving]]
| align=center | [[#Pearl Harbor|Pearl Harbor]]
| align=center | [[#Halloween|Halloween]]
|-
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Home Alone 4|Home Alone 4]]
| align=center | [[#Casino|Casino]]
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Book Club|Book Club]]
| align=center | [[#Forwards Backwards|Forwards Backwards]]
| align=center | [[#Malcolm Films Reese|Malcolm Films Reese]]
| align=center | [[#Kitty's Back|Kitty's Back]]
| align=center | [[#Jessica Stays Over|Jessica Stays Over]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Convention|Convention]]
| align=center | [[#Forbidden Girlfriend|Forbidden Girlfriend]]
| align=center | [[#Malcolm's Job|Malcolm's Job]]
| align=center | [[#Hal's Christmas Gift|Hal's Christmas Gift]]
| align=center | [[#Secret Boyfriend|Secret Boyfriend]]
|-
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Shame|Shame]]
| align=center | [[#Robbery|Robbery]]
| align=center | [[#Malcolm's Girlfriend|Malcolm's Girlfriend]]
| align=center | [[#Malcolm Holds his Tongue|Malcolm Holds his Tongue]]
| align=center | [[#Christmas Trees|Christmas Trees]]
| align=center | [[#Hal Sleepwalks|Hal Sleepwalks]]
| align=center | [[#Blackout|Blackout]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Therapy|Therapy]]
| align=center | [[#Charity|Charity]]
| align=center | [[#Boys at Ranch|Boys at Ranch]]
| align=center | [[#Block Party|Block Party]]
| align=center | [[#Lois Battles Jamie|Lois Battles Jamie]]
| align=center | [[#Army Buddy|Army Buddy]]
|-
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Malcolm Babysits|Malcolm Babysits]]
| align=center | [[#High School Play|High School Play]]
| align=center | [[#Health Scare|Health Scare]]
| align=center | [[#Grandma Sues|Grandma Sues]]
| align=center | [[#Dirty Magazine|Dirty Magazine]]
| align=center | [[#Malcolm's Car|Malcolm's Car]]
| align=center | [[#Malcolm Defends Reese|Malcolm Defends Reese]]
|-
| align=center | [[#The Bully|The Bully]]
| align=center | [[#Christmas|Christmas]]
| align=center | [[#If Boys Were Girls|If Boys Were Girls]]
| align=center | [[#Hot Tub|Hot Tub]]
| align=center | [[#Billboard|Billboard]]
| align=center | [[#Malcolm's Money|Malcolm's Money]]
|-
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Sleepover|Sleepover]]
| align=center | [[#Old Mrs. Old|Old Mrs. Old]]
| align=center | [[#Poker|Poker]]
| align=center | [[#Long Drive|Long Drive]]
| align=center | [[#Ida's Boyfriend|Ida's Boyfriend]]
| align=center | [[#Dewey's Opera|Dewey's Opera]]
| align=center | [[#Bride of Ida|Bride of Ida]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Krelboyne Girl|Krelboyne Girl]]
| align=center | [[#Reese's Job|Reese's Job]]
| align=center | [[#Kicked Out|Kicked Out]]
| align=center | [[#Softball|Softball]]
| align=center | [[#Living Will|Living Will]]
| align=center | [[#College Recruiters|College Recruiters]]
|-
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Francis Escapes|Francis Escapes]]
| align=center | [[#New Neighbors|New Neighbors]]
| align=center | [[#Lois's Makeover|Lois's Makeover]]
| align=center | [[#Stereo Store|Stereo Store]]
| align=center | [[#Lois's Sister|Lois's Sister]]
| align=center | [[#Tiki Lounge|Tiki Lounge]]
| align=center | [[#Mono|Mono]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Hal Quits|Hal Quits]]
| align=center | [[#Company Picnic (Part 1)|Company Picnic (Part 1)]]
| align=center | [[#Hal's Friend|Hal's Friend]]
| align=center | [[#Malcolm Dates a Family|Malcolm Dates a Family]]
| align=center | [[#Ida Loses a Leg|Ida Loses a Leg]]
| align=center | [[#Hal Grieves|Hal Grieves]]
|-
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Krelboyne Picnic|Krelboyne Picnic]]
| align=center | [[#The Grandparents|The Grandparents]]
| align=center | [[#Company Picnic (Part 2)|Company Picnic (Part 2)]]
| align=center | [[#Garage Sale|Garage Sale]]
| align=center | [[#Reese's Apartment|Reese's Apartment]]
| align=center | [[#Chad's Sleepover|Chad's Sleepover]]
| align=center | [[#A.A.|A.A.]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Traffic Ticket|Traffic Ticket]]
| align=center | [[#Reese Drives|Reese Drives]]
| align=center | [[#Academic Octathlon|Academic Octathlon]]
| align=center | [[#Malcolm Visits College|Malcolm Visits College]]
| align=center | [[#No Motorcycles|No Motorcycles]]
| align=center | [[#Lois Strikes Back|Lois Strikes Back]]
|-
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Lois vs. Evil|Lois vs. Evil]]
| align=center | [[#Cynthia's Back|Cynthia's Back]]
| align=center | [[#Forever|Forever]]
| align=center | [[#Clip Show #2|Clip Show #2]]
| align=center | [[#Polly in the Middle|Polly in the Middle]]
| align=center | [[#Butterflies|Butterflies]]
| align=center | [[#Hal's Dentist|Hal's Dentist]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Reese Cooks|Reese Cooks]]
| align=center | [[#Hal's Birthday|Hal's Birthday]]
| align=center | [[#Reese's Party|Reese's Party]]
| align=center | [[#Dewey's Special Class|Dewey's Special Class]]
| align=center | [[#Ida's Dance|Ida's Dance]]
| align=center | [[#Bomb Shelter|Bomb Shelter]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Stock Car Races|Stock Car Races]]
| align=center | [[#Tutoring Reese|Tutoring Reese]]
| align=center | [[#Hal Coaches|Hal Coaches]]
| align=center | [[#Future Malcolm|Future Malcolm]]
| align=center | [[#Experiment|Experiment]]
| align=center | [[#Motivational Speaker|Motivational Speaker]]
| align=center | [[#Stevie in the Hospital|Stevie in the Hospital]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Funeral|Funeral]]
| align=center | [[#Bowling|Bowling]]
| align=center | [[#Dewey's Dog|Dewey's Dog]]
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Baby (Part 1)|Baby (Part 1)]]
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Victor's Other Family|Victor's Other Family]]
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Stilts|Stilts]]
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Cattle Court|Cattle Court]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Cheerleader|Cheerleader]]
| align=center | [[#Malcolm vs. Reese|Malcolm vs. Reese]]
| align=center | [[#Poker #2|Poker #2]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Rollerskates|Rollerskates]]
| align=center | [[#Mini-Bike|Mini-Bike]]
| align=center | [[#Clip Show|Clip Show]]
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Baby (Part 2)|Baby (Part 2)]]
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Reese Joins the Army (Part 1)|Reese Joins the Army (Part 1)]]
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Buseys Take a Hostage|Buseys Take a Hostage]]
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Morp|Morp]]
|-
| align=center | [[#The Bots and the Bees|The Bots and the Bees]]
| align=center | [[#Carnival|Carnival]]
| align=center | [[#Jury Duty|Jury Duty]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Smunday|Smunday]]
| align=center | [[#Evacuation|Evacuation]]
| align=center | [[#Cliques|Cliques]]
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Day Care|Day Care]]
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Reese Joins the Army (Part 2)|Reese Joins the Army (Part 2)]]
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Mrs. Tri-County|Mrs. Tri-County]]
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Graduation|Graduation]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Water Park|Water Park]]
| align=center | [[#Flashback|Flashback]]
| align=center | [[#Monkey|Monkey]]
|-
| colspan=3 align=center bgcolor=#DDDDDD | [[#Cast|Cast]]
| colspan=4 align=center bgcolor=#DDDDDD | [[#External links|External links]]
|}

== Season 1 ==
=== ''Pilot'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': You want to know the best part about childhood? At some point, it stops.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': Every day is a lottery and first prize is that you don't have to scoot yourself around town on a skateboard with your hands

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': And its totally unfair. Everyone acts like Francis is this big troublemaker and he's not!
:''[Flashbacks with Francis being brought home in handcuffs by the police.]''
:'''Francis''': Dad, I know what you're going to say and believe me, I totally agree with you. There is no excuse for what I've done. It was idiotic, immature, totally reckless and I'm really, really sorry.
:''[Scene switches to Francis having sex with his girlfriend, BeeBee.]''
:'''Francis''': I'm hoping against hope you would give me another chance. 
:''[Scene switches to Francis destroying a neighbor's car by setting it on fire, which explained his eventual arrest.]''
:'''Francis''': Which I admit I don't deserve, but if you can find it in your heart to forgive me, I know I can earn your trust back.
:''[Flashback ends as Malcolm faces the audience]''
:'''Malcolm''': It's not like it was even '''&quot;our&quot;''' car.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At Malcolm's school, Kitty Kenarban, is his teacher in his class. Her personality is more cynical and stern]''
:'''Kitty''': Those of you who are finished with your temper painting can bring it up here and start on your charcoal still life. You may take two pieces of fruit with you, but please be care with them, I bought them with my own money. My own money.

=== ''Red Dress'' ===

:'''Lois''':''[calling]'' Are you boys almost finished wrapping our present? I have to meet your father at the restaurant in ten minutes!

&lt;hr width 70%&gt;

:''[Lois appears holding a charred red dress.]''
:'''Lois''': Fire? Fire? ''Fire?''
:'''Malcolm''': Mom, what?
:'''Lois''': This is the most stupid, irresponsible, dangerous thing you have ever ''done!'' Is this what you want? Will we have to identify your charred little bodies through their dental records? I want a straight answer! ''Who did this?''
:'''Reese''': Malcolm did it!
:'''Malcolm''': Reese did it!
:'''Reese''': I didn't do it!
:'''Malcolm''': ''I'' didn't do it!
:'''Dewey''': We're going to the dentist?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': ''[sits with Malcolm on the dinner table while she hands him a can]'' Go ahead. It's a name brand. ''[opens the can, then Malcolm drinks it]'' I know you didn't do this. You're a good boy. But I want you to help me with this. This is serious. One of your brothers could've burned the house down. ''[shows Reese, but at a different time]'' And for that he will be severely punished. But the one who helps me will be a happy, little boy. ''[shows Dewey, also at a different time]'' And I want that to be you. ''[back to Malcolm]'' Because you always been the best one. ''[back to Reese]'' You've always been the best one. ''[back to Dewey]'' You have always been the best one.
:'''Malcolm''': Mom, honestly, I don't know.
:'''Reese''': ''[different time]'' I don't know.
:'''Dewey''': ''[different time]'' Don't know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Reese''': Hey, what am I thinking right now?
:'''Malcolm''': I'm smart, I'm not a psychic.
:'''Dewey''': Can you understand what dogs are saying?
:'''Malcolm''': No.
:'''Dewey''': I can.

=== ''Home Alone 4'' ===
:'''Lois''': Hi! We're just calling to check in. Let me speak with Francis.
:'''Dewey''': He's...in the bathroom.
:'''Lois''': Oh. Well, let me talk to Malcolm.
:'''Dewey''': He's...in the bathroom.
:'''Lois''': They're both in the bathroom? What are they doing in there?
:'''Dewey''': I have to go to the bathroom. ''[hangs up]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After cleaning up the house]''
:'''Reese''': It's never been this clean before.
:'''Malcolm''': Uh-oh. It's too clean.
:'''Francis''': You're right. She'll never buy it.
:''[The boys start messing up the house]''

=== ''Shame'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': What do you mean he's only seven?!
:'''Nurse''': What's not to understand? He just turned seven. I guess you were too busy beating people to notice!
:'''Malcolm''': He CAN'T be seven. He's bigger than I am!
:'''Nurse''': He's in second grade! ''[cleaning up Kevin]'' Look at all this blood...
:'''Malcolm''': That's not blood, it's pizza sauce! Well ''that's'' blood, but...
:''[Caroline Miller enters the nurse's office]''
:'''Caroline''': Oh my God... OH MY GOD! What happened?
:'''Kevin''': ''[bawling]'' I want my Teletubby!
:'''Malcolm''': A doll?! You can't play with dolls if you're seven... WHY ARE YOU SEVEN?!
:'''Caroline''': You beat up a seven-year-old?
:'''Malcolm''': I didn't know!
:'''Caroline''': Malcolm, I don't blame you. I put this squarely where it belongs... ''[close to tears]'' On me!
:'''Malcolm''': ''[to camera]'' Oh, man. This is the most horrible thing I've ever done! ''[to Kevin]'' Kevin, I'm sorry!
:'''Nurse''': I think you've done quite enough.
:'''Kevin''': This is the worst birthday ever!
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': I can't stop thinking about what I did to Kevin. I feel like crap, and no one understands. Even you--you're supposed to be my friend and you don't even care.
:'''Stevie''': And yet...you keep...talking.

=== ''Malcolm Babysits'' ===
:'''Hal''': Look at that sky, Malcolm. Just think. Somewhere out there, all those stars and planets, there might be at this very moment a space dad who just got kicked out of his space trailer, who's looking down on us. Or would it be up at us? Or maybe sideways?
:'''Malcolm''': Trust me, Dad, they're all looking down on us. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dewey''': Mom, can I have a story? 
:'''Lois''': Once upon a time, there was a little boy that made his mom so crazy she decided to sell him to a circus.
:'''Dewey''': An evil circus?
:'''Lois''': No, a nice one with monkeys.
:'''Dewey''': Thank you. 

=== ''Sleepover'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': Someone stole my friend's wheelchair.
:'''Security Guard''': What's it look like?
:'''Malcolm''': It's a ''chair''... with ''wheels.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Francis is hanging upside down]''
:'''Stevenson''': You are hanging over a bottomless pit. In five seconds, I will cut the rope. Are you scared now?
:'''Francis''': I'm really not. No.
:'''Stevenson''': ''[dropping the executioner's hood]'' Why not? This stuff is way scary.
:'''Francis''': I'm sorry, but this feels so amateurish. I mean I know you guys are trying, but I've been tormented by the best. Let me tell you a little bit about the master.
:''[Flashbacks occurs with Lois embarrassing a child Francis by yelling at the referee for a traveling foul. Then, it switches to a teenage Francis being more embarrassed by Lois as she shows his girlfriend his baby pictures in the photo album. Finally it switches to Lois in the boys locker room at Marlin Academy.]''
:'''Lois''': ''[Yelling at Francis after he got out of the shower in a towel]'' It's an 8 inch scratch on the car, Francis. Do you know how much it's gonna cost to fix? If you think you are ever, ever, borrowing my car again, you are sadly mistaken. And I saw that tattoo, Jimmy. I'm telling your mother.
:'''Francis''': ''[flashback ends]'' And that's the stuff I didn't block out.
:''[The cult realizes the scare tactic wasn't working and decides to try something new. They replace the photo of a tormented man with a photo of Lois.]''

=== ''Francis Escapes'' ===
:'''Lois''': Fate is just what you call it when you don't know the name of the person screwing you over.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After finding out Francis escaped]''
:'''Malcolm''': Mom, I'm sure he's okay. ''[Lois looks up, Malcolm turns to the camera]'' Uh-oh, tactical error.
:'''Hal''': Why do you think he's okay?
:'''Malcolm''': I mean, he's always okay.
:'''Hal''': Malcolm, I know you like Francis as much as we do, so if you have any idea...
:'''Lois''': Oh, for God's sake. ''[to Malcolm]'' WHERE IS HE!!!
:'''Malcolm''': He came here to see Beebee. He's meeting her tonight. ''[to the camera]'' Oh my God, how did she do that?
:'''Lois''': I knew it. When did you talk to him?
:'''Malcolm''': Don't look at her eyes. Don't look at her... ''[Lois grabs Malcolm's head to face towards her]'' This morning and Dewey shoved a sandwich in the VCR.

=== ''Krelboyne Picnic'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': ''[about Malcolm's class picnic]'' There won't be any meat. They all decided they didn't want to eat anything that has a mother.
:'''Dewey''': Cousin Nancy doesn't have a mother.
:'''Lois''': That's right. She has two daddies.
:'''Reese''': Two guys as your parents? That house has to be a dude's paradise.

=== ''Lois vs. Evil'' ===
:''[Hal comes home to see Reese and Malcolm kneeling with their noses against a door.]''
:'''Hal''': Oh, hello, boys. How long are you in for?
:'''Reese''': Another hour.
:'''Hal''': Yeaow.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''':''[Confronting Mr. Pinter]'' Yes, I guess we do. For instance, I think it's wrong for you to put your name in sales reports you didn't write. I think it's wrong you keep a bag of herbs in your bottom left drawer. I think it's wrong you slept with the district manager's wife. And you want to know something, you don't even have to worry about it because I think it's wrong to blab this kind of thing. You know you should be glad that I'm the only one who knows this stuff about you. Anyone else here would sell you down the river in a second. God, I'm so much better than you.

=== ''Stock Car Races'' ===
:''[Malcolm and Reese are watching cartoons; Dewey gets in front of the TV]''
:'''Reese''': What are you looking at, monkey boy?
:'''Dewey''': ''[hits himself]'' Ow! Ow! Ow! Reese!
:'''Reese''': What are you doing?
:'''Dewey''': ''[continues hitting himself]'' Ow! Help! Ow! Mom, help!
:'''Reese''': Cut it out!
:'''Dewey''': Ow! Ow! It hurts! Ow!
:'''Reese''': Knock it off, you little...
:'''Lois''': ''[from the other room]'' REESE!! ''[approaches them]'' What the heck are you doing? Honest to God, you can't leave him alone for 5 minutes without picking on him!
:'''Reese''': I didn't do anything!
:'''Lois''': No!
:'''Reese''': He was lying!
:''[Dewey takes Reese's spot]''
:'''Malcolm''': ''[to the camera]'' I gave him that. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': Malcolm, what is all that stuff from your teacher? That woman sends home two or three fliers every day.
:'''Malcolm''': She says she wants the parents to be involved as possible with the children.
:'''Lois''': At school? It's the only break I get!

=== ''Funeral'' ===
:'''Lois''': Who's this?
:'''Reese''': How should I know?
:'''Lois''': Hal?
:'''Hal''': Beats me.
:'''Lois''': Dewey, is this a friend of yours?
:'''Dewey''': Uh-huh.
:'''Lois''': Who is he?
:'''Dewey''': I dunno.
:'''Hal''': What's your name, son?
:'''Egg''': ''[Whispering]'' Egg.
:'''Hall''': Did he say Greg?
:'''Lois''': I thought he said Craig.
:'''Dewey''': His name is Egg.
:'''Hal''': Egg?
:'''Dewey''': I named him.
:'''Lois''': Well, you can't keep him! He needs to go home. Okay?
:'''Dewey''': Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''':''[On the phone with Francis]'' Then, she slid in the trash and ran off. I swear this family is falling apart.
:'''Francis''':''[Elated]'' Yes! I knew this moment would come. They don't have their ''&quot;scapegoat&quot;'' around so everything goes to hell.
:''[Malcolm gets an idea forming in his head.]'' 
:'''Francis''': No one realizes that I was the one who held this family together. Without me to blame everything on, they doesn't know what to do with themselves.
:'''Malcolm''': A scapegoat, thanks. ''[He quickly hangs up and faces the screen]'' He's right. This family needs a scapegoat. I started this, so I should be the one to end it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lois had just gotten wind of Reese breaking Dewey's birthday present, thank to Malcolm taking the backpack and revealing the crushed Mighty Man toy as proof of his older brother's wrongdoing.]''
:'''Lois''': Oh my God! Was this Dewey's present?
:'''Dewey''': Present?
:'''Lois''': Reese, how could you? Do you know how expensive this was? HAL!
:'''Hal''': I'm on it. ''[standing up and taking Reese's hockey stick]'' That was a terrible thing to do to your little brother.
:'''Malcolm''':''[smug]'' There's more. He was going to bury it with Aunt Helen.
:''[Lois and Hal are further disgusted with Reese.]''
:'''Hal''': You were going to make Aunt Helen spend eternity with a crushed Mighty Man.
:'''Dewey''': Mighty Man?!
:'''Lois''': I can't believe you.
:'''Hal''': This is a whole new low, Reese.
:'''Reese''':''[Attempts to stand up, but Hal and Lois forces him back on the couch]'' First of all, this is all circumstantial. I don't know how that thing got in my backpack. And as for this Aunt Helen business, no one knows what I would've done at that funeral because we're not going.
:'''Lois''':''[convinced]'' Who says &quot;we're&quot; not going.
:'''Reese''': You did!
:'''Lois''': Well you can guess again. You're going to march up to that coffin and apologize to that poor dead woman. We all are!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': ''[At Aunt Helen's funeral]'' Yeah Francis, your father's giving out a speech and it's actually kind of good.
:'''Lawyer''': Can I have my phone back?
:'''Lois''': I'm almost done, sweetie. ''[continues talking to Francis]'' Oh, Aunt Helen looks just lovely.
:''[Reese is seen with his back turned facing the corner and his nose to the wall as his punishment for breaking Dewey's birthday present as well as his intentions to stash the remains in Aunt Helen's coffin. He turns around thinking Lois hasn't seen him. Unfortunately, she busted him doing so and is angry at him.]''
:'''Lois''': ''[yelling at Reese]'' YOU TURN RIGHT BACK AROUND, MISTER!!!
:''[Everyone else is shocked as Reese in fear turns around to face the wall.]''
:'''Lois''': ''[to Francis]'' You'll never guess what Reese did.

=== ''Cheerleader'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': Listen to the words: good, boy, cheerleader. Quit while you still have some dignity.
:'''Reese''': Oh, and let her think I'm a quitter.
:'''Malcolm''': You can't even remember a simple six-step routine.
:'''Reese''': There's six steps?
:'''Malcolm''': Yes. It's just right-left-right-left-reverse-pose.
:'''Reese''': You remember that by just watching?
:'''Malcolm''': You guys did it like ten times! 
:'''Reese''': So, you know my routine?
:'''Malcolm''': It's not that hard.
:'''Reese''': But... you know my routine.
:'''Malcolm''': Yes, I do. Look, I know where this is going...
:'''Reese''': No, you don't. You're going to help me.
:'''Malcolm''': That is where I was going.
:'''Reese''': Oh, good. Let's get started.
:'''Malcolm''': No! Don't you know how embarrassing this is?
:'''Reese''': I know what's more embarrassing.
:'''Malcolm''': What?
:'''Reese''': Getting beaten to a coma by a good boy cheerleader. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hal''': Now, I want to tell you what happens when a boy really, really likes a girl. And Dewey, I'll make this easy for you to understand. ''[looks around for toys and grabs a robot and a girl doll]''
:'''Malcolm''': ''[to the camera]'' Oh, man! I still play with that.
:'''Hal''': You see, there's a certain thing that happens between normal healthy people. It's called chemistry. ''[accidentally fires toy gun from the robot]'' Well, that doesn't happen, except maybe the first time. But what does happen is this. ''[imitates robot]'' &quot;I like you!&quot; ''[imitates girl doll]'' &quot;I like you, too!&quot; ''[back to normal voice]'' ... and if they love each other and take their proper precautions, they'll have sex, but I've told you that already.
:'''Dewey''': ''[smiling]'' Not me.
:'''Hal''': Well, ask your brothers.
:''[Malcolm &amp; Reese give disgusted looks]''
:'''Hal''': If the boy is from ''our'' family, it goes a little more like this... &quot;I like you.&quot; &quot;I HATE you!&quot; &quot;Now, I LOVE you!&quot; &quot;LEAVE ME ALONE! Your insane neediness is driving me away!&quot; &quot;Look at me! Look at me, I'm crazy! Pay attention to me! I'm an idiot, watch me crash and burn! Woop-woop-woop, whoo!&quot;

=== ''Rollerskates'' ===
:''[Reese is seen rollerblading through the house and sitting on the couch]''
:'''Lois''': Wait a minute...somebody stepped in something...oh my God...oh my God! What a mess! Reese, what did you roll in?
:'''Reese''': Aw, man! ''[After inspecting the wheels of his skate, he begins wiping it off on the corner of the table]''
:''[Lois opens her mouth to scream]''
:...
:''[Lois emits a pained squeak]''
:'''Hal''': You have to admit, it is kind of funny. Yelling so loud you actually throw out your back?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Hal''': Okay, that's it. You just lost these,pal.

:'''Malcolm''': Oh, yeah? Well, You! You heard me.

&lt;hr width 100%&gt;

:'''Reese''': I cannot believe you said that to dad. Oh by the way if you pass Francis on your way to Siberia, tell him I said hi.
:'''Malcolm''': Do you think he told mom?
:'''Reese''': I wouldn't worry about that. Mom's feeling a lot better. Dr. Reese paid her a visit.
:'''Malcolm''': What are you talking about?
:'''Reese''':''[talking about Hal's failure to slip Lois pain medication]'' Let's just say pills and sandwich, not effective. Pills and milk, effective.

=== ''The Bots and the Bees'' ===
:'''Hal''': ''[answering the phone]'' Hello! Oh, hi, Mr. Jackson. Well, yes, I do have a very good reason for not going in to work today. Well, how about this? I didn't come to work because somehow I felt that eight hours of joyless, mind-numbing crap just didn't seem like fun. Well, I guess we're just going to have to agree to disagree. ''[hangs up; rips the phone from wall]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Spangler''': Hello!
:'''Lois''': Who are you?
:'''Spangler''': Edwin Spangler. I am Commandant of Marlin Academy.
:'''Lois''': Good for you. Where's your eye?
:'''Spangler''': Pardon?
:'''Lois''': Do your ears work? Do you have some business with my son? He needs to rest.
:'''Spangler''': Well, I stopped by to pick up your boy's homework.
:'''Lois''': Homework?! You're not giving him homework. My son nearly lost his life - something that never would have happened if you'd taken proper care of him in the first place.
:'''Spangler''': Well, I assure you, ma'am, had it not been for Francis' long history of crying wolf...
:'''Lois''': Crying wolf? You listen to me, you idiot! My child is sick. He does not need you marching in here, puffing up your little chest, and making his life more miserable than it already is. Why don't you just go play &quot;army man&quot; somewhere else?
:'''Spangler''': ''[walking away]'' God, she is magnificent.
 
=== ''Smunday'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': They have a fake letter. I knew Francis wouldn't leave us alone without getting something, and I knew you'd give it away. I knew exactly what everyone would do.
:'''Reese''': So where's the real letter?
:'''Malcolm''': I had to think of the one place they'd never think of looking. I had to give it to the one person they'd never think I'd give it to. I did the most brilliant thing of all: I gave it to Dewey.
:'''Dewey''': And I hid it under Mom's pillow.
:'''Malcolm''': You WHAT?!
:''[A sick Lois is seen sitting up on her bed. She is shocked by the contents of the letter detailing Francis' prank to both a prestige university and Marlin Academy.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[A sick Lois is sitting on the bed now realizing that today is Monday. Because she is caught up with her flu and Francis' prank to Marlin Academy, she has ignored punishing the boys for skipping school]''
:'''Lois''': I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna kill him. I am going to kill him!
:'''Reese''': OOOOOOHH, this is all a dream.
:'''Lois''': Oh, shut up, Reese!
:'''Malcolm'''': Mom, stop it. You're sick.
:'''Lois''': I'm too mad to be sick. You know he's finally done it this time. Where is that brochure for the work farm in Arizona?
:''[Lois goes through a drawer on her nightstand for the work farm in Arizona for troubled teens. The boys are no more troubled when Lois brings it out and realize where Francis may be heading next.]''
:'''Lois''': He thinks Military school is tough. Just wait.... Wait.... wait... wait... wait...
:''[She heads to the bathroom to throw up.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': You know, Francis, we never actually intended to show that letter to Mom. We were just trying to scare you.
:'''Francis''': I know, you guys would never do that to me. 
:'''Malcolm''': But if she did see the letter, you know it was an accident, right? 
:'''Francis''': Yeah, but Richie has the letter. Please tell me Richie has the letter. 
:'''Malcolm''': Richie has coupons. Mom has the letter. But like I said, it was just an accident. I swear.
:'''Francis''': So the thing you were threatening to do all day but had no intention of doing you did, but didn't mean to?
:'''Malcolm''': Yeah. You can yell at us now.
:'''Francis''': No, I guess I deserved it. I shouldn't ratted on you. Mom was pressuring me and I folded. She told me if I wanted to come home for the summer I had to tell her about the bike.

=== ''Water Park'' ===
:'''Hal''': ''[bursts into the room]'' Who wants to make five bucks?
:'''Malcolm''': How?
:'''Hal''': I need someone to take the fall.
:'''Lois''': ''[from downstairs]'' Oh, my God...
:'''Malcolm''': What did you do?
:'''Hal''': I can't tell you. Yes or no? No questions asked.
:'''Lois''': Oh, my God!
:'''Malcolm''': Make it ten.
:'''Hal''': Done.
:'''Lois''': '''''Oh, my God!'''''
:'''Hal''': ''[whispers]'' You're a good son. ''[drags Malcolm out by his collar]'' I got him, honey! I got him, don't worry!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': Ever since I can remember, we've always had trouble with baby-sitters.
:''[flashback]''
:'''Baby-sitter A''': ''[cooing]'' Hello! Goochy, goochy, goochy, goo. Goochy, goochy— ''[screams as her finger is bitten]''
:'''Baby-sitter B''': I don't know, sweetie; what do you have behind your back? ''[screams, running from the house]''
:'''Baby-sitter C''': ''[locked in the closet by Malcolm and Reese]'' You little losers, I've had enough of this! You open this door right now! Look, I'm a little claustrophobic, okay? Just open the door! Let me out! Come on!
:''[back to the present]''
:'''Malcolm''': I don't know. I'm starting to think it might be us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lois''': ''(to Malcolm and Reese)'' Do you think we're wealthy?! Wealthy people drive fancy cars. They have fresh pasta. Do we do any of those things?! NO! Wealthy people can afford any of their vacations ruined, no big deal. They just pick up and go again. Your father and I worked so hard, so long. What IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO?! ARE YOU ABORIGINES?! Every time I turn around, I hear someone screaming and fighting. And I pray to God that's someone else's children, but it's not, it's always you! Sane children would appreciate this. Are you even thinking? No, you're always at each other like a couple of rabid monkeys. It is not enough you two do this every day, but you have to make me suffer. Well, help me... ''[Comes to the realization that Reese and Malcolm are up to something.]'' Don't you dare!
:''[Malcolm pushes Lois down the slide by the finger and she screams.]''
:'''Attendant''': Arms and legs crossed at all times.
:'''Reese''': That's the bravest thing I've ever seen you do.
:'''Malcolm''': Yeah.
:'''Reese''': You're gonna die.
:'''Malcolm''': I know. So, you think Mom's going to be okay?
:''[Lois grabs Malcolm's nose plug and pulls the two of them down the slide.]''

==Season 2==
=== ''Traffic Jam'' ===
:''[Outside Wavetown USA's waterpark entrance.]''
:'''Malcolm''':''[first lines]'' Ok, here's the thing about my family. We don't go on a lot of outings together, but when we do, there's a little thing we always ends up observing.
:''(Hal is talking to a security guard, after his family is banned from the Wavetown USA's waterpark)''
:'''Hal''': When you say &quot;lifetime ban&quot;, I mean, who's lifetime are you talking about?
:''(Lois is seen dragging Malcolm and Reese by the ear, while the security guard sends Hal on his way out to the parking lot for the rule violations the family has incurred. This includes Hal sneaking alcohol in a suntan lotion, along with the boys fighting)''
:'''Lois''':''[punishing Malcolm and Reese]'' Don't you ever ask me for anything ever again. I should've just given birth to chimps, then at least I know to expect this kind of behavior.
:'''Malcolm''': Believe it or not, I actually envy Dewey. He got to stay home and play with the babysitter.
:''[Lois continues dragging Malcolm along with Reese to the family car.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The children is arguing with Clyde of an ice cream truck who refuses to sell ice cream in the middle of traffic]''
:'''Clyde the Ice Cream Man''': GO AWAY! There is no ice cream in the truck!
:'''Erin''': He's lying! There's tons of ice cream in there!
:'''Clyde the Ice Cream Man''': The ice cream in the truck is NOT for sale! It is against the law for me to sell ice cream in the middle of traffic!
:'''Reese:''' This is just wrong! You can make money and please children! This is a senseless act! You are evil! ''PURE EVIL!''
:'''Clyde the Ice Cream Man:''' Well... If you kids are not willing to discuss this sensibly.
:''[The driver goes back into the ice cream truck and shuts the door]''
:'''Reese:''' You son of a!
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, there's nothing you can do!
:'''Reese:''' Yes, there is! I can... I can...
:''[Screaming, Reese runs forward and head-butts the side of the truck, then staggers back in pain]''
:'''Jessica:''' And the [[w:Nobel Prize|Nobel Prize]] goes to...
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, you're talking about my brother! Good one.
:'''Jessica:''' I'm Jessica, gray Volvo.
:'''Malcolm:''' Malcolm, crappy minivan.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': OK, let me get this straight -- we've been waiting all afternoon for a crane, and now, the crane is here!
:'''Construction Worker''': That's right.
:'''Lois''': And the man who works the crane? He's here, too!
:'''Construction Worker''': That's right.
:'''Lois''': THEN WHY IS NOTHING HAPPENING?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Reese tries to break the back door of the ice cream truck with a crowbar. Suddenly, Mr. Wells comes to grabs his arms]''
:'''Mr. Wells''': Hey, not so fast, Charlie!
:'''Reese''': Let go of me!
:'''Mr. Wells''': What are you think you're doing, huh?
:'''Reese''': Nothing! Just going from a wall!
:'''Clyde the Ice Cream Man''': What the hell's going on?!
:'''Mr. Wells''': That kid was trying to break into your truck!  
:'''Reese''': Let go of me, man! I want some damn ice cream!
:'''Clyde the Ice Cream Man''': You don't deserve ice cream!
:'''Reese''': Yeah? Well, you don't deserve to be an ice cream man!
:''[He stomps his foot, Mr. Wells screams and runs away]'''
:'''Mr. Wells''': Come here, you punk! You little punk!
:'''Clyde the Ice Cream Man''': That will teach you to mess with me! I was disturb to here in my country!
:''[He goes back into the ice cream truck and closes it. He was gasps that the ice cream is messed up]''

=== ''Halloween Approximately'' ===
:''[Malcolm and Reese take turns eating expired food from the refrigerator]''
:'''Malcolm''': When was the last Christmas we had eggnog?
:'''Reese''': I think before Dewey.
:''[The carton hisses ominously as it is opened]''
:'''Malcolm''': It's all you, man.
:''[Reese chugs the eggnog and begins gagging loudly]''
:'''Malcolm''': ''[aside]'' This is a game that has no winners.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Francis''': Guys, Halloween isn't a date on the calender. 
:'''Reese''': Yeah it is. It's the 31st. 
:'''Francis''': No. Halloween is in your hearts. Every time a little kid cries in fear, that is Halloween. Every time something repulsive ends up in a mailbox, that is Halloween. As long as you carry the spirit of destruction and vandalism in your heats, every day is Halloween!
:'''Reese''': No, look! It is the 31st! 

=== ''Lois' Birthday'' ===
:'''Boy''': Hey, lady, are you going to hog that cage all day?
:'''Lois''': ''[inside a batting cage]'' I got news for you, kid. I'm a grown-up with a credit card and no curfew. I could stay here all week if I want.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Francis keeps talking to another girl]''
:'''Amaani''': You're wasting your time. She doesn't speak English.
:'''Francis''': Oh.
:'''Amaani''': Which is just as well, because if she understood the crap you were feeding her, she'd laugh in your face.

=== ''Dinner Out'' ===
:'''Lois''': It was Kitty Kenarban, she invited us to dinner.
:'''Hal''': Good for you.
:'''Lois''': I am talking about everyone. It will be nice to have dinner out with decent people. I wonder why people never invite us to dinner. 
:'''Hal''': I think I see a couple of hungry seals!
:''[The boys act like seals while Hal throws the spaghetti in their mouths]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Abe''': [Kitty] won't let me have butter on my bread. Butter. I haven't eaten the stuff in ten years.
:'''Hal''': How'd this happen? I mean, we weren't always this way.
:'''Abe''': Actually, I was. Classic story: raised by a grandmother and four spinster aunts. I used to wash their hair on Saturday nights.
:'''Hal''': Poor bastard. You never had a chance.
:'''Abe''': Damn it. Enough is enough! ''[gobbles down miniature slabs of butter and drinks a shot]''
:'''Hal''': You go, Abe!

=== ''Casino'' ===
:'''Lois''': Hal, you made me sit in the car for eight hours a day listening to Keno. Now you're telling me you don't want to gamble?
:'''Hal''': We are surrounded by the great outdoors, Lois. I mean, we could all go for a hike.
:'''Lois''': Okay, what you've done?
:'''Hal''': Uh...
:'''Lois''': Why are you avoiding the casino?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Reese''': I'm thirsty. 
:'''Malcolm''': Yeah, well, we would have water if some idiot hadn't used to it write a S.O.S in the sand. 
:'''Reese''': Oh, I see. You people let me carry the water and all of a sudden I'm the idiot.

=== ''Convention'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': ''[about Dewey]'' I don't believe this! Here I'm supposed to be the genius, and I'm being outsmarted by someone who can't tie his own shoes!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Patty Henderson''': Hi, I'm Patty. Your babysitter?

&lt;hr width 50%&gt;

:'''Lois''': In 30 seconds, I'm going to instruct these men to let you go.
:'''Hal''': ''[all worked up]'' Thank you, Lois. Thank you.
:'''Lois''': And then you will have a choice. You can indulge your primal urges with him, or... you can come back to the motel...and indulge your primal urges with me.
:'''Hal''': ''[looks at Lois, then at Tom, then at Lois again]'' Don't trivialize my anger, Lois! I mean, there are some things that you just don't try to talk people out of. ''[calming down]'' I have a legitimate situation here.
:'''Lois''': I know, baby. ''[kisses Hal]''
:''[Hal calms down whimpering. The guards release Hal and Tom. Hal and Lois leave, arm in arm, but as Hal passes Tom, he smacks him.]''

=== ''Robbery'' ===
:'''Hal''': So, Dewey, how was school today?
:'''Dewey''': Mikey Duffy pushed me down today.
:'''Hal''': Well, did you push him back? 
:'''Dewey''': No, he's bigger than me. 
:'''Hal''': Uh-huh... Reese? 
:'''Reese''': I'm on it. 

&lt;hr width = 50%/&gt;
:'''Craig''': Trust me, anything you say won't hurt me. 
:'''Robber''': Yeah, how about you give us all the money and every other cash register?
:'''Craig''': Oh, my God, a gun!
:'''Lois''': Craig, don't panic. We just give them the money from every cash register and they leave. 
:'''Craig''': What about the safe? 
:'''Robber''': What safe? 
:'''Craig''': -ty, safe-ty of the customers.

=== ''Therapy'' ===
:'''Lois''': And when I do, we are all gonna clean up this disaster of a closet. It's gonna be our new family project.
:'''Hal''': We've never finished our last family project.
:'''Lois''': Because it's in here under two tons of crap!

&lt;hr width = 50%/&gt;
:'''Reese''': You missed a great assembly. I can't believe it. They actually gave us fruit to throw at the Krelboynes. What were they thinking?
:'''Malcolm''': Don't you ever get tired of making their lives miserable?
:'''Reese''': Nope. Beside, I want them to remember who's boss when they're living in their mansions with their supermodel wives. They're gonna know the guy cleaning their pool kicked their ass.

=== ''High School Play'' ===
:'''Dewey''': Live, live, die! ''[Picks up Playmobil man from table and throws it away]'' Live, live, live, live, die! ''[Picks up another man and throws it away as Hal enters]'' 
:'''Hal''': Hey. What happened to the Judicial system, presided over by a tribunal of wise elders? 
:'''Dewey''': I had them lined up and shot. 
:'''Hal''': You know son, maybe you've been spending too much... 
:'''Dewey''': Silence! Seize him! ''[Hal looks around and is startled by the Playmobil men arranged on the top of the buildings]'' 
:'''Hal''': All right, son. I think it's time you goose-stepped off to bed. ''[Picks up Dewey by his shirt and drags him off]'' 
:'''Dewey''': Dad, you're embarrassing me in front of my men! 
:''[Lois arrives home]'' 
:'''Lois''': Hal! Why is this still here! ''[Slips on a lose piece of Lego and screams as she falls in slow motion, knocking down the whole Lego society as she goes while Hal and Dewey watch in horror]'' Ow. 
:''[Reese runs in when he hears noise]'' 
:'''Reese''': No fair! You did it without me! 

=== ''The Bully'' ===
:''[At Marlin Academy, Francis is on the phone while nervously watching a mob of cadets set upon another]''
:'''Eric''': Hold him down! You, shave his butt!
:'''Francis''': Mom, I'm calling to remind you that today is the last day to buy me a plane ticket home for my...''[lowers voice]'' birthday!
:'''Lois''': Honey, we talked about this. We can't fly you back in the middle of the week; you'd only be here for 8 hours.
:'''Francis''': But Mom-!
:'''Lois''': Sweetie, I'm sorry. I wish things were different, but you were just home for Thanksgiving and that's all we can afford right now.
:'''Francis''': Mom, you don't know what they do to people around here on their...''[lowers voice] birthday''! They strip you naked and they shave every hair off your body, then they throw you in the reflecting pond! Is that what you want for me?!
:'''Lois''': I'm impressed, Francis. Your stories are getting better, at least more believable!
:'''Francis''': What stories?!
:'''Lois''': Oh, like when you wanted to come home for that party and you swore the Academy was being terrorised by a pack of feral dogs?!
:'''Francis''': Which were never caught!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': You're talking about joining a cult, Reese! 
:'''Reese''': My name isn't Reese anymore. 
:'''Malcolm''': Then what is it?
:'''Reese''': I don't remember, but it's not Reese!

=== ''Old Mrs. Old'' ===

:'''Mrs. Griffin''': What are you doing in my yard?

&lt;hr width 65%&gt;

:'''Lois''': ''[to Malcolm]'' At least she's not suing us. You just be thankful we have absolutely nothing of value in this house.
:'''Hal''': Count your blessings, son.
:'''Lois''': I talked to Mrs. Griffin. This is what's gonna happen. You are going there every day to help that poor woman until her arm heals.
:'''Malcolm''': Every day?!
:'''Lois''': Not one word! Every day! End of story!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Reese''': Dewey, I don't think you understand. Boys like me, we look at things like this. We see normal boy, Normal boy, and boy with the purse. Which one do you think we are going to hit?
:'''Dewey''': Is one of them fat?
:'''Reese''': It doesn't matter! That boy will be fat everyday. But the boy with the purse, he might not wear it again!

=== ''Krelboyne Girl'' ===
:'''Reese''': Ooh, Malcolm. Having lunch with your girlfriend?
:'''Malcolm''': She's not my girlfriend.
:'''Reese''': I don't know. I think I see a spark. ''[bops Cynthia's nose]'' Boop!
:'''Cynthia''': Please don't do that.
:'''Malcolm''': ''[to the camera]'' Yeah, that'll help.
:'''Reese''': Aw, she doesn't like to be touched. Well, maybe, I'll do this.
:''[Cynthia grabs Reese's arm and twists it, Reese falls on the table]''
:'''Cynthia''': Now, say your body is composed entirely of snot.
:'''Reese''': ''[sobbing in pain]'' My body is composed entirely of snot.
:'''Cynthia''': ''[to Malcolm]'' Anything you'd like to add?
:'''Malcolm''': I'm good.
:''[Cynthia lets go of Reese and he walks off still in pain]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cynthia''': Looks like Lloyd and Dabney are having a pretty intense conversation. Did you know I could read lips? ''[imitates Lloyd]'' I've noticed that 80% of my Doritos are isosceles triangles. ''[imitates Dabney]'' Wow! I'm impressed. Wanna kiss? ''[Malcolm and Cynthia giggle, Cynthia imitates Lloyd]'' I was hoping you'd ask. Lemme take a bite of my sandwich first. ''[Lloyd takes a bite, Cynthia imitates Dabney]'' Waiting is such sweet agony. ''[Malcolm &amp; Cynthia laugh again; Cynthia imitates Lloyd]'' Okay, I'm ready. ''[imitates Dabney]'' Oh, no, I'm not. I just took a bite of my sandwich. ''[imitates Lloyd]'' Oh, you're such a tease.
:''[Malcolm &amp; Cynthia both laugh again and look at each other and are about to kiss, but Cynthia snorts; Malcolm gets up and leaves]''

&lt;hr width 90%&gt;

:'''Cynthia's dad''': Why the hell did you throw a brick through my daughter's window at 2:00 in the morning?!

=== ''New Neighbors'' ===
:'''Reese''': AHH! Get away from me! AH! Get away from me! 
:'''Lois''': Uh, your daughter is biting my son.
:'''Reese''': She won't let go!
:'''Tina''': Oh, look, they're just playing.
:'''Reese''': Ow, it hurts! It ''hurts''! ''Mommy''! Oww! Ow!
:''[Lois calmly goes over to where Emily is biting Reese's leg, then reaches down and pinches her nose shut.]''
:'''Lois''': Now, honey, if you want to breathe, you're gonna have to open your mouth and let go of my son.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': What are you looking at?
:'''Hal''': Reese's report card, it is much better than last time.
:'''Lois''': Really?
:'''Hal''': Yeah, this time he used the exact same brand pen as the teacher to change his grade.
:'''Lois''': Look at that, he gave himself a &quot;C&quot; in math instead of &quot;A+&quot;.
:'''Hal''': Yeah, it's subtle, nice attention to detail. He's really learning. Two months grounded?
:'''Lois''': 3 months, scrubbing toilets.

=== ''Hal Quits'' ===
:'''Craig''': Francis, I want you to count all the malt balls. ''[hands Francis a clipboard and a pen as he walks off]''
:'''Francis''': Should I start with the 40 in your belly?
:'''Craig''': I heard that... and I'm paying for those. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': ''[about his painting]'' You are gonna finish it!
:'''Hal''': ''[filled with rage]'' Fine! You want to see me finish it! I'll finish it! ''[picks up some paint and splashes it around the board]'' How about some here... and there... how about there? ''[suddenly pauses and looks at the painting and fixes a few things and completes it]''
:'''Reese''': Awesome!
:'''Lois''': Hal, I can't believe you did it. It's beautiful.
:'''Hal''': ''[happily]'' I did it! 

=== ''The Grandparents'' ===
[[File:Contest Entry (32275199862).jpg|thumb| You can't pick your parents. You're pretty much stuck with whoever you get. ~ Lois Wilkerson]]
:'''Malcolm''': Mom, do you...do you like your parents?
:'''Lois''': It doesn't matter how I feel about them. It's not like I can trade them for someone else. You can't pick your parents. You're pretty much stuck with whoever you get.
:'''Malcolm''': I know.
:'''Lois''': At least I can be grateful that soon they'll be gone.
:'''Malcolm''': Back to their own home.
:'''Lois''': Yeah... that's what I meant.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hal''': First off, I'm not here to try to sort out the complicated relationship you have with the woman I love. It's not my place. And I know it would be folly to try to put a price on the deep psychological trauma that you've caused Lois through the years. But let me take a stab at it anyway... $3,000 sound okay to you?
:'''Victor''': What?!
:'''Hal''': Well, that would pretty much cover the fridge, the collateral damage, pay off a few credit cards, and finally get the transmission fixed in my car.
:'''Victor''': Because of what just happened, you want us to loan you $3,000?
:'''Hal''': Please. I know you're uncomfortable lending to family, so let's be clear. With one phone call, I could have your asses thrown in jail for child endangerment. So, this money I'm asking for, it's not a loan. It's blackmail. 
:'''Ida''': He's like your brother Vaslefdt all over again.

=== ''Traffic Ticket'' ===
:'''Reese''': ''[as Lois is pulled over by a cop]'' Make a run for it, mom. We can be on the news.
:'''Lois''':''[ignores Reese and pulls over]'' All right, no one makes piggy sounds! No one claims they smell bacon! And no one claims they've been kidnapped!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': Yeah, yeah, knock yourself out. My record is clean.
:''[Seconds later, Lois is arrested when the cop learns that she has 16 unpaid parking tickets]''
:'''Lois''': There is no way I ''have'' 16 unpaid parking tickets. The computer's wrong. You are not getting away with this!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hal''': I don't understand it. How can we get 16 unpaid parking tickets and not even know about it?
:''[The scene switches to Francis on the phone at Marlin Academy.]''
:'''Francis''': Mom, just calm down.
:'''Lois''': I was in jail, Francis. Jail, all because you didn't pay your parking tickets. How could you gotten 16 parking tickets?
:'''Francis''': It's not my fault, you keep me stuck here. When I come home, I have so much living to do, I don't have time to look for legal parking.
:'''Lois''': You listen mister. Your irresponsible behavior has finally caught up to you and you are going to suffer the consequences. You are paying those parking tickets.
:''[After Lois tells Francis that he owes the family $747.13 for the unpaid parking tickets.]''
:'''Francis''': This is totally unfair! None of this would've happened if you weren't such a reckless driver!
:'''Lois''': Excuse me?!
:'''Francis''': When I park too close to a mailbox, I didn't endanger anyone's life.
:'''Lois''': I didn't endanger anyone. I was pulled over by a corrupt cop for a traffic violation that I didn't commit! 
:'''Francis''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, but when ''I'' say I've been framed by the police, you ship me off to military school! Ironic, isn't it?!
:'''Lois''': That cop was out to get me!
:'''Francis''': Of course he was. Everyone's out to get you. And the neighbor's cat's the ringleader. Didn't you know that?
:'''Lois''': Ha-ha, you can laugh all you want, Francis. But until you come up with the money, you are not coming home.
:'''Francis''': Where am I supposed to get $700?! You're just using this to keep me here.
:'''Lois''': Yeah, that's right. It was the cat's idea.

=== ''Surgery'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': Mom, my stomach hurts. 
:'''Reese''': So does mine! 
:'''Malcolm''': I'm not kidding, it's really sore. 
:'''Reese''': Owwwww... it hurts. 
:'''Malcolm''': Shut up, Reese.
:'''Reese''': I see spots! Mommy!
:'''Lois''': Alright! That's enough! I don't care what assignment you didn't do or what test you didn't study, you're still going to school.
:'''Hal''': You know, now you mentioned it...
:'''Lois''': Everybody's going! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': ''[To audience]'' Nothing like two days in the hospital to make you appreciate your own home.
:''[Reese takes tub of popcorn from Malcolm.]''
:'''Reese''': Gimme that!
:'''Lois''': Oh my God! Look at Malcolm's hospital bill! I can't imagine how much it would've cost if he'd actually gotten the surgery.
:'''Hal''': Well, there goes our summer vacation.
:'''Dewey''': So we have to pay, even though he was faking?
:'''Malcolm''': I wasn't ''faking''! I was the one who found out they were wrong.
:'''Reese''': Well, if you're so smart, why didn't you figure it out sooner?
:''[Everyone stares at Malcolm]''
:'''Hal''': Well, son, would you like to field that one for us?
:'''Malcolm''': ''[To audience]'' Nothing like ten seconds at home to make you appreciate the hospital!

=== ''Reese Cooks'' ===
:'''Hal''': Whatcha' doing there, son?
:'''Malcolm''': I have to prove [[w:Kepler's laws of planetary motion|Kepler's Third Law of Motion]].
:'''Hal''': What's Dewey doing?
:'''Malcolm''': Coloring.
:'''Hal''': I better get in there.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hal''': Reese, do you know what empathy is? 
:'''Reese''': No.
:'''Hal''': Well, empathy is putting yourself in other people's shoes so you can feel what they do. If you hurt someone, empathy makes you hurt as well.
:'''Reese''': Then why would you want empathy?
:'''Hal''': ''[turns away to Lois, stunned]'' He has no more sense of right and wrong than a tree-frog!

=== ''Tutoring Reese'' ===

:'''Lois''': Francis, I don't want to have another argument again! You are going to fix the roof!

&lt;hr width 100%&gt;
:''[upon learning that Malcolm took Reese's test for him]''
:'''Lois''': ''[to Malcolm]'' You took that test, didn't you? You cheated! ''[to Reese]'' You let him cheat for you? ''[to Mr. Woodward]'' YOU GAVE SOMETHING HE WROTE AN '''''&quot;F&quot;'''''?! You ''are'' out to get him! Oh, I can't wait to see you expelled or disbarred or whatever it is they do to creepy little men who abuse their power!
:'''Mr. Woodward''': There is no need for name calling. I suggest we just leave things as they are.
:'''Lois''': Oh, I don't ''think'' so!
:'''Mr. Woodward''': Here's the situation: if you notify the school, then the school will find out Malcolm cheated and he'll be expelled.
:'''Lois''': Don't you threaten me!
:'''Mr. Woodward''': This isn't a threat. I just don't think you'd throw away the son who achieves for, well, Reese.
:'''Lois''': ''[points to Malcolm]'' You don't think I'd sacrifice this one? Let me explain something to you. I would sell Malcolm down the river in a heartbeat to save Reese. 
:'''Malcolm''': What?!
:'''Lois''': Malcolm's gonna be fine no matter what happens. Maybe he'll have to go to junior college or start off blue collar, but he'll work his way up to management eventually. Reese is the one who needs saving.
:'''Mr. Woodward''': I don't believe you. No mother could ever be that callous to her own son.
:''[Francis appears in the window, pressed against the glass, while rain pours down and lightning flashes.]''
:'''Francis''': Mom, please let me come home! I'm cold and I'm hungry! Please, I'll fix the roof, I'll paint the house! I'll do anything, Mom, please! Just let me live indoors, Mom! Please, I wanna be warm again! MOM, PLEASE! ''[sobbing]''
:''[Lois smiles victoriously. Woodward looks rather apprehensive.]''
:'''Woodward''': Maybe we can work something out.

=== ''Bowling'' ===
:'''Hal''': ''[goes back to a photo booth near the door]'' Reese, get out of the photo booth.
:''[Reese peeks out just in time to see the large man that he threw a bowling ball at, intending for Malcolm, waiting for him. He inserts a dollar bill in the booth]''
:'''Reese''': You probably want your privacy. I'll get out of your way.
:''[The large man pushes Reese back into the photo booth and goes inside with him. Reese is heard screaming as he is getting his ass kicked with photos to prove it.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': Check it out, Beth Ballard's here.
:'''Reese''': Yeah, I heard she's the reason why Mr. Thomas got fired.
:''[Lois shows up after paying for the boy's one pair of shoes and notices there are no parents around.]''
:'''Malcolm''': You can go now, thanks for the ride.
:'''Lois''': Where are the parents? Are there no parents here?
:'''Malcolm''': Mom, please don't....
:'''Lois''': WHERE ARE YOUR PARENTS?! Who's chaperoning this?
:'''Reese''': Mom, we don't need a chaperone.
:'''Lois''': ''[ignoring Reese]'' Ok, it's me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dewey is faking crying in the bedroom as Lois walks by carrying a basket of clean laundry to the master bedroom.]''
:'''Lois''': Not Buying It!

=== ''Malcolm vs. Reese'' ===
:'''Francis:''' How am I ever gonna decide which one of you to take?
:'''Malcolm:''' You deliberately bought two tickets just to torment us?
:'''Francis:''' No. Of course not. I bought them to see who loves me the most. Now, I know you both love me, but I bet one of you loves me a little bit more.
:''[Malcolm and Reese look dejected]''
:'''Francis:''' Come on, guys! It's Rage in the Cage. You should be happy!
:'''Reese:''' We ''are'' happy!
:'''Francis:''' You're not doing the happy dance.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Francis and his date are pulled over by a police officer.]''
:'''Officer 2''': License and registration, please.
:'''Francis''': Officer, what did I do?
:'''Officer 2''': This car was reported stolen.
:'''Francis''': Oh, it's been reported stolen, huh?
:''[He digs into his wallet to find nothing but a small slip of paper saying, &quot;IT GETS WORSE.&quot;]''
:'''Officer 2''': I'm not gonna ask you again. License and registration.
:'''Francis''': Sir, I know this looks bad...
:''[Francis and the cop hear banging from inside the trunk.]
:'''Officer 2''': Open the trunk, sir!
:'''Francis''': Officer, let me explain...
:'''Officer 2''': OPEN THE TRUNK!
:''[Francis unlocks the trunk.  The officer opens it and finds Malcolm and Reese lying inside, bound and gagged.]''
:'''Officer 2''': ''[drawing his gun]'' GET OUT OF THE CAR!

=== ''Mini-Bike'' ===
:'''Lois:''' What's the matter, Craig?
:'''Craig:''' What does it say on this jar?
:'''Lois:''' &quot;Craig.&quot;
:'''Craig:''' Well I'm glad someone around here can read. The jar holds fourteen pickles. I had three yesterday, two for lunch today, and one and a half for snack. And now there are six and a half pickles in this jar. Simple math indicates...
:'''Lois:''' Are you counting the one in your hand?
:'''Craig:''' Ok, false alarm.
:'''Lois''':''[annoyed]'' We burned the man's house down.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''':''[turns off the mini bike with the key and takes it out]'' It's no one's! What's wrong with you boys?! You aren't allowed to have a motorcycle.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Francis''': Sir, his shirt just came untucked when he was hugging his father. You can't yell at him for hugging his father.
:''[The cadet runs when Spangler turns his attention to Francis]''
:'''Hal''': Francis!
:'''Commandant Spangler''': On no, I'm glad you saw this because this is exactly what I was talking about. Always underminding my authority, day in, day out. It's the same thing. Like when I made Cadet Dooley do 600 laps of the perimeter for an inside-out pillow case violation, Francis organizes a sit-in. Or when I cut off the electricity in the 5th floor for contraband boom-box, he hijacks a generator for them. The boy lives to cause chaos.
:'''Francis''': He was hugging his dad!
:'''Commandant Spangler''': In front of his father he still defies me at every turn.
:'''Hal''': And everytime something like this happens, he challenges you.
:'''Commandant Spangler''': Every time.
:'''Hal''': Even though he knows he'll get in trouble.
:'''Commandant Spangler''': That doesn't seem to matter to him at all.
:'''Hal''': I understand.
:'''Commandant Spangler''': ''[turns to Francis]'' I will deal with you, later.

=== ''Carnival'' ===
:''[The phone rings]''
:'''Hal''': Let the machine get it.
:'''Francis''': Hello,  it's Francis. Mom, dad, pick up. I'm in the emergency room and the doctors think they will save my leg  when they...
:'''Lois''': Francis, are you okay?
:'''Francis''': Ha! Screening your own child. Fine parents you are.
:'''Lois''': Honey, what's wrong? 
:'''Francis''': The fact that I have to resort to lies to get you to talk to me . That's what wrong.
:'''Lois''': What do you want, Francis? 
:'''Francis''': I don't know, it's Saturday night. I thought I could call and say hi.
:'''Lois''': Can we call you later? Dad and I are kind of busy right now.
:'''Francis''': Alright,  let me talk to my brothers.
:'''Lois''': They're not here.
:'''Francis''': Then what are you...ew...oh...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kitty''': Stevie! Stevie! Stevie! Stevie! Stevie! Stevie! Stevie!...
:'''Lois''': Kitty, you have to leave a little room between your Stevies or you won't be able to  hear him yell back.
:'''Kitty''': I'm sorry, I'm just a little nervous. I don't have as much experience with my child being in mortal danger.
:'''Lois''': Okay, just calm down. You have to focus on something positive like we're how going to punish them.
:'''Kitty''': How can I focus on anything when Stevie's out there being lost and scared?
:'''Lois''': I understand how you're feeling, Kitty. I'm concerned. We're all concerned.
:'''Hal''': Abe, this van is a palace. How much was it?
:'''Abe''': Not as much as you think.  When I bought the DVD player and the flat screen monitor in the GPS system for free.
:'''Kitty''': Stevie!...Stevie!... Stevie...

=== ''Evacuation'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': What are you doing with toilet paper?
:'''Reese''': I got my hands on some canned fruit, I traded those for batteries, the batteries for DVDs, and I swapped those with the janitor for the school's entire supply of toilet paper. Once the &quot;specially seasoned&quot; meatloaf works its magic, I can name my price.
:'''Malcolm''': You know, that's not only unbelievably evil, but you actually put some thought and effort into it. I'm impressed.
:'''Reese''' Something about people being miserable and suffering brings out the best in me. Thanks for noticing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Dewey''': We're sorry we left the couch on the railroad tracks and wrecked the train.

&lt;hr width 50%&gt;

:'''Guard''': Do not set foot outside this area. Not one foot!
:'''Hal''': I would just like to get one thing clear. When we go home, you fellas are still gonna be a presence in the community, right?
:'''Guard''': If I wasn't in uniform, I'd take a swing at you myself.

=== ''Flashback'' ===
:'''Reese''': Ha ha. Stupid bug.
:''[Reese touches the bug zapper]''
:'''Reese''': OW! OW! YOU STUPID... ''[Punches the bug zapper]'' OW!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[A police officer brings young Francis home and informs Lois that he had caught him taking a joyride on a steamroller]''
:'''Lois''': Thanks, Officer. ''[turns angrily to Francis]'' What were you thinking?!
:'''Francis''': That it went faster.
:'''Lois''': GO TO YOUR ROOM!
:'''Hal''': I loved the way you sent the boys to their room...
:'''Lois''': Boys! Go to your room!

==Season 3==
=== ''Houseboat'' ===
:'''Lois''': ''[After Hal gets arrested and Malcolm refusing to help his father while talking to a girl]'' Do you realize how close your father came to being a registered sex offender?! A registered sex offender! And for what? For some trampy girl? For...
:'''Malcolm''': Mom, please. I feel terrible. I completely understand what I did. I sold out my own father for a girl. It's the worst thing I've ever done. We both agree, I'm a terrible person. 
:'''Lois''': For some girl you don't even know! Who wouldn't give you the time of day! That's the gratitude you showed your father. 
:'''Reese''': Hey, maybe I'm the good one after all. ''[Giving a glass of tea to Lois]'' Here, mom, for your throat. I put a little honey in it.
:'''Lois''': That man gets one vacation a year and this is how you start it. ''[Phone rings]'' You go and make it right. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': ''[on the phone with Francis]'' Absolutely not, Francis.
:'''Francis''': You're not listening, I could make $45 an hour. That more than what you or dad make.
:'''Lois''': You are going to graduate from high school.
:'''Francis''': Why spend the tuition? It's a total waste of money and we both know I'm failing. ''[All is quiet for a moment.]'' Okay, now we both know.
:'''Lois''': Francis, you are going to stay in school until you graduate and that's all there is to it and if you FLUNK OUT then that's just another year you're stuck there.
:'''Francis''': You just can't stand the fact that i'll be making more MONEY THAN YOU! (slams the phone into the wall, it drops on his foot causing him to scream and pain and bump into the trophy case) whew that was close. (the trophy case loses a leg and falls on Francis).

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''':''[looking at a letter concerning Francis]'' Oh my GOD!!!!
:'''Hal''': What is it?
:'''Lois''': It's Francis. He quit school. He's on his way to Alaska!
:'''Hal''': That's impossible. He can't take himself out of school. He has to have our permission.
:'''Lois''': No, he doesn't! ''[Shows Hal and the boys a legal document]'' He got himself legally emancipated!

=== ''Emancipation'' ===
:''[The Krelboynes are discussing their new teacher]''
:'''Stevie''': What...a jerk!
:'''Lloyd''': Is that what we're going to turn out like? If I ever start acting like that, you have to promise to kill me!
:'''Dabney''': No! No more death pacts!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Francis has spent the whole episode trying to talk to Lois, she is willing to listen]''
:'''Lois''': Francis, I'm listening...
:'''Francis''': This is what you get! This is what you get for the way you treated me! ''[Lois looks stunned]'' I'm going to Alaska, you're gonna be left without a son, and the horrible way you treated me is now a matter of public record!
:'''Lois''': ''[furious]'' I treated you?! We made sacrifice after sacrifice for you and you've caused us nothing but pain!
:'''Francis''': You want pain?! I got your scars, baby; three and a half years in that horrible school!
:'''Lois''': We went without for that school!
:'''Francis''': ''[sarcastic]'' Oh, maybe I should thank you? Thank you, Mother, for making my life A LIVING HELL!
:''[Hal escorts boys go back inside the house. The rest of the argument between Lois and Francis continues offscreen.]''
:'''Lois''': &quot;A Living hell?&quot; You've been nothing but a problem since the day you were born!
:'''Francis''': Well you're problems are over, lady, 'cause I'm outta here!

=== ''Book Club'' ===
:'''Lois''': ''[Has just arrived home just in time by jumping over the fence to catch the boys with fireworks]'' BOYS!!! FIREWORKS!! FIREWORKS!!!
:'''Reese''': How did she?!
:'''Malcolm''': I don't know.
:'''Lois''': You boys are in so much trouble. I can't leave you alone for one second. I guess next time I go out, I'll have to chain you to the floor and tie you in the oven. You don't even pretend to listen. You might as well cut off your ears and throw them in the trash for as long as you use them. You are grounded for the next month!
:''[a police helicopter approaches Lois]''
:'''Pilot''': GET DOWN ON THE GROUND AND PUT YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD!
:''[An arrested Lois continues punishing the boys as she gets on the ground.]''
:'''Lois''': While you're being punished, I hope your friends are doing all sorts of fun stuff. BECAUSE YOU WON'T BE DOING ANY OF IT! YOU ARE GONNA SUFFER!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': You know ladies, I just realize something. Society isn't the thing that's making us miserable. I mean hell, we're society. 
:''[The women cheered.]''
:'''Lois''': No. No. Every single one of our problems can be traced back to that tight ass, overachieving, marathon running, master chef: LILLIAN MILLER!
:''[Lois and the other drunk women walks down to Lillian's house]''

=== ''Malcolm's Girlfriend'' ===
:'''Reese:''' You've just got to calm down, turn off your brain.
:'''Malcolm:''' You can't just turn off your brain.
:'''Reese:''' Sure you can! I do it all the time. Just watch...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''[snorts]'' This is so stupid. You can't turn off your...
:''[Reese stands slack-jawed, staring blankly]''
:'''Malcolm:''' Reese...? Reese!
:''[Reese wakes from his daze and holds his forehead]''
:'''Reese:''' Oh, man, how long was I out?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois:''' ''[Sighs]'' OK, Malcolm. I've been thinking about it and I'm gonna give you a 'Free Pass'. Every time any of you boys do something important that your father should not see you doing, I give each of you 1 free pass per month.

:'''Lois:''' ''[as her and Malcolm walk in the house. Malcolm sits down] Sit! Look at yourself, they put you on probation. Probation! If you just one more thing wrong, their gonna kick you out of school! Do you have any idea how serious this is? Is this what you want to be? You want to be some lap dog who ruins his life for some girl? For God sake, Malcolm, you beat up a foreign exchange student! Poor little Zanoc left that country from this kind of abuse! Are you even listening to me?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''[Stands up from his chair] Yes, I'm listening! But you know what, mom, I got bigger problems! You may not have noticed, but, I've been screwing up a lot lately. All because of some stupid girl! I'm on probation! I beat up a kid who doesn't speak English! I'm going through a lot right now, and you don't even care!

=== ''Charity'' ===
:'''Hal''': You've been stealing money from the Church?!
:'''Reese''': And maybe some...merchandise.
:''[Reese opens the closet revealing a loot of stolen donations.]''
:'''Hal''': Oh! You boys have been taking stereos, toys! Is that cheese?! Oh! I need to sit! ''[He collapses onto the mattress and sees more stolen donations under the bed.]'' Oh! Oh, my God!
:'''Malcolm''': Dudes, get him some oxygen!
:'''Hal''': My boys are thieves!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Upon realizing the boys stole an air tank.]''
:'''Hal''': You stole ''air''?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU BOYS?! Do you ever stop and think about the consequences of anything you do?! Do you realize the shame you could bring upon our entire family?! Do you?!
:'''Reese''': Forget that, what's '''Mom''' gonna say?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': That's right. I gave it all to charity. You have two changes of clothes; one for school and one for home, something wrong?
:'''Reese, Dewey &amp; Malcolm''': No.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Hal's car has broken down due to a faulty battery and he pulls over.]''
:'''Hal''': OH, DAMN!
:'''Dewey''': It's God! He found Us!
:'''Hal''': It's not God, Dewey! It's just my crappy car. Although in a larger sense, he could've helped out my career a bit from time to time. Throw a promotion my way, once in a while. So maybe you're right, it is God!
:'''Malcolm''': Hey, I don't want to scare anybody. But this is the street mom takes home from work and she gets off in 10 minutes!!!

=== ''Health Scare'' ===
:'''Reese''': Hey Mom, Hey Dad.
:'''Lois''': What is wrong with you?! Look at that floor!
:'''Reese''': Sorry.
:'''Lois''': How many times have we told you not to track mud into this house?
:'''Malcolm''': We'll clean it up.
:'''Lois''': That's not good enough. You're grounded for a week!
:'''Reese''': What?
:'''Malcolm''': You can't do that! Those are just footprints!
:'''Lois''': You wanna be grounded for two weeks?!
:'''Malcolm''': Dad!
:'''Hal''': You heard your mother!
:'''Reese''': This is ridiculous! You're being totally unfair! Just because Malcolm tracked mud on the floor doesn't mean we should be grounded!
:'''Lois''': Go to your room!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': Dewey, I said &quot;NO&quot;! Do you wanna be grounded like your brothers?
:'''Dewey''': No.....

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': How dare you! How dare you defy us like that!
:'''Malcolm''': Well we wouldn't have had to if you've hadn't been ridiculously hard on a little mud on the floor!
:'''Lois''': You two are the most ungrateful, badly-behaved, inconsiderate boys ever born! How could you be so heartless?
:'''Reese''': What is heartless about going to a party with a bunch of slutty girls?
:'''Malcolm''': Keep it cool!
:'''Hal''': You were at a party? While we were here worrying?
:'''Dewey''': ''[calm]'' Can I have a napkin?
:'''Hal''': I cannot believe you two!
:'''Lois''': Oh, that's it! You're grounded for the rest of the school year!
:'''Reese''': You can't do that!
:'''Malcolm''': You're crazy!
:'''Hal''': You do not talk to your mother that way, ever! You will show her the love and respect she deserves, whether I am here or not!
:'''Reese''': This family sucks! You're ruining our lives! I wish you were dead!
:''[Lois and Hal leave, stricken that the boys are unaware that Hal may or may not have an illness]''
:'''Malcolm''': What was that all about?
:'''Reese''': I dunno. Usually, she just says &quot;I'm taking you with me!&quot;

=== ''Christmas'' ===
:'''Reese''': Oh, hi, mom. How nice to see you home
:'''Lois''': I have HAD IT! 
:''[Dumps out the contents in the paper bag and turns off the lights to the Christmas tree. She is stuffing all the presents in the bag.]''
:'''Malcolm''': Mom, what are you doing?
:'''Lois''': I am taking everything! Every decoration, every present, every tree and I'm locking it in the garage. Every single Christmas, you three burn, break or destroy and I'm putting a stop to it.
:'''Dewey''': She's stealing Christmas.
:'''Malcolm''': Mom, you can't do this.
:'''Reese''': Yeah, this'll be the last year Dewey believes in Santa.
:'''Dewey''': WHAT?!
:'''Lois:''' If you boys behave until Christmas morning, there will '''be''' a Christmas morning. Otherwise these are going back to the store and Christmas will be cancelled!
:'''Reese''': ''[to Lois]'' You wouldn't cancel Christmas!  You're bluffing.
:''[Scene cut to reveal Reese crying over his burning stocking and Lois looks on in sadistic satisfaction knowing her threat of cancelling Christmas will come true.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In the last flashback, Lois and Hal are seen running around in front of a burning Christmas tree form the boys' prank]''
:'''Lois''': Who did this?! Who did this!
:'''Hal''': Drop and roll honey!
:'''Lois''': WHO DID THIS!!!!!!
:'''Hal''': For God's sake, honey. Drop and roll.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''[Francis has found a closet of Christmas gifts Ida has kept for petty offences]''
:'''Francis''': Oh my God, you're crazy! I just thought you were evil but you ''are'' nuts!
:'''Ida''': What are you talking about?
:'''Francis''': Grandma, gifts aren't conditional; they're gifts! You give them to people because you love them. They're not something you can take away because of some petty slight. You're not teaching people anything, you haven't gotten back at them; they don't even know they've upset you. All you've done here is constructed a monument to your own insanity! WHAT KIND OF A PERSON DOES THAT?!
:'''Ida''': A lonely, bitter old woman ''[she sits down]''
:'''Francis''': What?
:'''Ida''': Look what I've done. What use is all these things to me now? They could have brought someone some happiness; instead, they rot here. ''[Ida clutches her heart]''
:'''Francis''': Grandma?
:'''Ida''': My heart...I think it's...''melting! [Francis rolls his eyes]'' Yes, it's melting! You've shown me the way, Francis, by yelling at me! Quick, go get my magic sled, and me and my reindeer will go and give Christmas to all the mean, stupid, rude people! We'll all join hands and sing songs and sprinkle the ingrates with fairy dust!

=== ''Poker'' ===
:''[At Francis' cabin in Alaska, a storm is blowing. Lavernia drops off a crate of supplies]''.
:'''Lavernia''': Weather report's right, this storm's gonna last a week. Now you ration these supplies, and make no mistake, you're the last ones we'll dig out!
:'''Francis''' ''[incredulous]'': We're supposed to survive a week on meat paste and caribou jerky!?
:'''Lavernia''': Hey, that's a week I don't get any work out of you! No one's crying for me!

=== ''Reese's Job'' ===
:'''Barton''': Wow, an entire colony of [[w:Chestnut blight|Cryphonectria parasitica]].
:'''Richie''': Hey, get your own pizza, Dewey.

&lt;hr widith 50%/&gt;
:'''Lois''': Before we go any further, is there anything you want to tell me?
:'''Dewey''': I want a beagle.
:'''Lois''':[angry]''': Well, you're not going to get it, you little sneak!!

=== ''Lois's Makeover'' ===
:'''Reese''': Yes.
:'''Malcolm''': That's 14-13.. We're up. Game point.
:'''Hal''': Well, I have to say you boys have put up a good fight  which is just going to make it all the more painful when I crush you like bugs. Score, yeah! Whoops. Ha, tie game. Next basket wins. My ball.
:'''Malcolm''': We have to do the play.
:'''Reese''': We can't. We only practiced it once.
:'''Dewey''': It won't work. 
:'''Malcolm''': It will work. We just got to believe.
:'''Hal''': It's go time, ladies.
:'''Dewey''': The future is now, old man.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': ''[to Mr. Fisher]'' A prostitute. This guy was convinced I was a prostitute. You know, ever since I got your stupid report I have been feeling like everything I ever believed in was wrong. Well, I think this little incident fives both of us some much-needed clarity. I'm going to go home now. I'm going to wash my face  and when I come to work tomorrow, I'm going to do the same extraordinarily good job I've been doing all these years. I'm going to do it in my 99-cent mascara and if the mood strikes me, a hair clip, and that's it. And if that's not good enough for you, so be it. Thank you. ''[Lois leaves. Mr Fisher stares at the man who approached Lois]''
:'''Mr. Fisher''': Well Steve, are you going to tell my sister or should I?

=== ''Company Picnic (Part 1)'' ===
:'''Hal''': What do you think? This or this?
:'''Lois''': What are you doing?!
:'''Hal''': This is an important function. It's a company picnic. Attended by my new boss whom I haven't met yet. Gotta start off on the right foot. 
:'''Lois''': You're making too much of this.
:'''Hal''': No, I am not! You have to make a good first impression. It  sets the  tone for the relationship. 
:''[Hal's montage with new employers]''
:'''Manager''': Hal, this is your new supervisor, Miss Plum.
:'''Miss Plum''': Great to meet you, Hal. I'm looking forward to working with you.
:'''Hal''': Same here, and what do we have here?
:'''Miss Plum''': My big fat stomach.
:'''Manager #2''': I'd like you to meet my staff, but I'm not sure where they are.
:'''Hal''': It is great to meet you, Mr.Jacobson. I want you to know I'm gonna do a terrific job for you.
:'''Mr. Jacobson''': Great, have you met my daughter and son-in-law?
:'''Hal''': No, I haven't .
:'''Mr. Jacobson''': Kelly? Steve? I want you to meet somebody.
:'''Hal''': Hi. I'm Hal. 
:'''Kelly''': Hi, so nice to... ''[Hal tries to shake her hand, but she hits her head on the catering table and falls to the ground.]'' Oh, my God! There's a toothpick in my eye!
:'''Steve''': She's gushing blood! Somebody put a tourniquet on her neck!
:'''Kelly''': I'm outside of my body. I can see a light. Grandma, is that you?
:'''Steve''': You son of a bitch! I'll chew off your face, spit it out and dance on it! I'm gonna kill you! (The other employees start fighting to Hal) I'm gonna drag your carcass to the street. She's got a toothpick in her eye!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Laurie''': Malcolm, can I ask you something?
:'''Malcolm''': Sure.
:'''Laurie''': if you liked somebody, and you had no idea if they liked you back, would you say something?
:'''Malcolm''': I've always thought honesty was a good thing.
:'''Laurie''': Me, too. But what if they lived too far away and it'd be really hard?
:'''Malcolm''': I like you, too, Laurie. I really like you.
:'''Laurie''': Honestly, you have no idea.
:'''Malcolm''': I've liked you for years. I think about you all the time.
:'''Laurie''': Oh, no!
:'''Malcolm''': What?
:'''Laurie''': oh, my God! I am so sorry! I was talking about Gary Spindler! Oh, no!
:'''Malcolm''': It's okay.
:'''Laurie''': No! This is so humiliating! It's all my fault. Malcolm, I am so sorry!
:'''Malcolm''': Really, it's not that. ..
:'''Two-Legged Race Instructor''': Malcolm and Laurie. Remember, you're only going to be tied together for three hours, so let's get hopping.

=== ''Company Picnic (Part 2)'' ===
:'''Dewey''': Hey, I want candy!
:'''Lois''': What did I tell you?  Sit in that chair and wait until the picnic is over!
:'''Meg's Husband''': Excuse me? Are you Lois?
:'''Lois''': Yes.
:'''Meg's Husband''': Where do you get off talking to my wife about my mother?! I wet my bed every night until I was 16. Mt mother changed those sheets for years and never said a word! I don't care if they get along. My mother's important to me. I didn't say anything about your mother! By the way, I don't have a porn problem! She introduced it into our home! I don't have any interest. It was her idea and now I'm the pervert! I don't know what it is in porn. Maybe it's the safety of emotional distance. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dewey''': Mom, you don't have to hold on to me, I'll be good.
:'''Lois''': OK.
:'''Meg''': Lois!
:'''Lois''': You don't have to thank me. Let me enjoy the rest of the picnic.
:'''Meg''': You told my husband I was insane and should be committed! 
:'''Lois''': I didn't say that! How does letting him video-tape you in bed help our marriage?
:'''Meg''': What?! I didn't tell him!
:'''Lois''': You've gotta stop this! I don't have time for my own family's problems without listen to you two nutcases! So why don't you just... ''[Meg smacks Lois in the face]''
:'''Lois''': Oh! I don't think you understood me. ''[Lois slaps Meg in the face, then they start fighting.]''

=== ''Reese Drives'' ===
:''[Hal and Francis are talking on the phone]''
:'''Hal''': You've emancipated yourself, remember? You can't come running back to your parents for money at the first sign of trouble anymore!
:'''Francis''': I'm not running to my parents. I'm calling as one adult to another for an adult... ''loan.''
:'''Hal''': No, no. You've made whatever mess you've made, and you take care of it.
:'''Francis''': I have been taking care of it! I already got Big Red to cut me the lumber in exchange for a pair of fur-lined boots. I got my friend Pete to make the boots, but only because I promised him a new set of teeth. And as you probably know, teeth don't come cheap! Now, that's where you come in-
:''[Hal hangs up]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Francis''': ''[over pay phone]'' How many police cars are chasing you?
:'''Reese''': ''[over cell phone]'' I don't know; eight, maybe nine? What are we gonna do? There's no way out of this!
:'''Francis''': Hey, don't give up! Sometimes things look darkest right before the sun breaks loose-
:''[Five lumberjacks enter the room and stand behind Francis with their arms folded]''
:'''Francis''': ...and sometimes you have to realize that the game is over, and that you've lost. The-
:''[Five more lumberjacks enter the room]''
:'''Francis''': ...The only thing left to do is to stop running, stand up, and face the consequences like a man. And-
:''[Five more lumberjacks enter the room]''
:'''Francis''': ...And even if the outcome is gonna be more horrible than you could possibly imagine, you can hold your head up high, show some class, and end it with dignity!
:''[Francis puts down the phone, swallows, and turns to face the lumberjacks]''
:'''Reese''': Class...
:'''Francis''': ''[over the phone]'' FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! NOT THE STUMP ROOTER! NOOO!
:''[Reese hangs up]''

=== ''Cynthia's Back'' ===
:'''Reese''': I know what her name is and I am not going to dignify that with a response. And her name is...
:''[He fails to call out Cynthia's name and touches her breasts. Enraged she punches Reese in the face and he falls to the floor]''
:'''Cynthia''': ''[beating Reese to a pulp]'' HOW CAN YOU BE SO CREEPY?! DON'T YOU EVEN HAVE THE REMOTEST SENSE OF DECENCY TOWARDS A FELLOW HUMAN BEING?! I HAVE FEELINGS! I WILL BE TREATED WITH RESPECT!
:''[Malcolm salutes jauntily and walks out of the room as Cynthia continues kicking Reese.]''
:'''Cynthia''': ''[offscreen]'' I WILL NOT BE OBJECTIFIED!!!! I WILL NOT BE HUMILIATED OR DEMEANED!! NOW KISS MY SHOE! KISS MY SHOE!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Francis is trying to make sense of a totem pole]''
:'''Francis''': I've fasted, I've meditated, I got frostbite spending a night in the wilderness! I just wanna know what to do! What am I missing?! The wolf...that's loyalty. And the eagle...keen sight...''insight''! And the frog is...bug eating! WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?! ''Please'' just give me a sign, or a signal or ''something! [The door bursts open and an Inuit man steps in]'' Oh my God!
:'''Inuit Man''': You the dirtbag that took my pole?! That's my pole, I want it back!
:'''Francis''': Oh, of course. I'm sorry. Listen, I didn't take it but please, I'm going crazy; can you tell me what it means?
:'''Inuit Man''': Well, if I hit it, it means I'm five inches away from the back of my car port.
:'''Francis''': ''What?'' You use this as a wheel-stop? This beautiful, sacred thing?
:'''Inuit Man''': Sacred? It's a decoration, like a coat of arms or a story book. It's a pretty chunk of wood that my kids helped me carve on a nice Saturday afternoon.
:'''Francis''': But you can't tell me you can't feel the energy!
:'''Inuit Man''': You white boys are all the same. ''[sarcastic]'' I've got dark skin, so I must dance with the bears and listen to the spirits of the wind! ''[angry]'' I've got news for you, pal: I work for a living! I'm a Baptist and I'm proud of it! Oh, and I have only one word for snow...''SNOW''!

&lt;hr width 50%&gt;

:'''Karen''': Oh, by the way, I lived in your house while you were on vacation last month.

:'''Hal''': We didn't go on vacation!

:'''Karen''': Darn it!

=== ''Hal's Birthday'' ===
:'''Lois''': Boys, would you leave the room a minute so your father and I can talk?
:'''Dewey''': NO!
:'''Lois''': ''Excuse me''?
:'''Dewey''': I'm not leaving. You guys just chase us out whenever you want without even asking us. I'm getting tired of it! Watching TV is the only thing to do in this house that's actually fun. So you're left with two choices: you can either fight somewhere else, or get us a TV for our room.
:''[Later in the boys' bedroom, all three are stood in the corners, facing the wall]''
:'''Dewey''': There's no reasoning with that woman!
:'''Reese''': I thought you made some good points.
:'''Malcolm''': It doesn't matter, she doesn't listen anyway. It's like talking to a wall.
:'''Reese''': ''[giggles]'' Hey, that's what we're doing!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After the family learns Francis has gotten married]''
:'''Francis''': Why can't you just be happy for us!?
:'''Lois''': We're supposed to be happy, when you repay us like this after all we've done for you!?
:'''Francis''': I'M CONFUSED! ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THE YEARS OF PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE, OR SHIPPING ME OFF TO MILITARY SCHOOL!?

=== ''Hal Coaches'' ===
:''[Ed has just learned about Reese reading his undeleted emails from his affair with the other women.]
:'''Ed''': Oh my god, how much do you know?
:'''Reese''': Everything. You might want to formulate your megabytes next time you get rid of your computer. Oh, and by the way, Mrs. Swanbeck, You are sick!&quot;
:'''Ed''': &quot;Keep your voice down.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stevie''': You have to stop this?
:'''Malcolm''': Stupid game This is ridiculous!, Everybody in my family is, like, perfect. My mom is President, Reese is married to six supermodels and my dad used all his money to fund a search for extra-terrestrials. Nothing I do has any effect whatsoever. If I give them money, if I take it away if I make them ugly, if I make them Canadian everything works out beautifully for them and horrible for me! 
:'''Stevie''': Dewey just became Pope. 
:'''Malcolm''': And I weigh 500 pounds. Thats it I'm just going to have to kill them. Go to counter, get knife, kill them. No! Don't make yourself a sandwich! Kill! Kill! No, not yourself! Don't kill. Don't kill.

=== ''Dewey's Dog'' ===
:'''Lois''': Dewey, you're not allowed to have a dog, remember? We want you to be miserable.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lois comes in the kitchen and catches Dewey eating a meal that Reese cooked for her and Hal. Later on Hal is home confronting him]''
:'''Hal''': I don't understand, an entire roast gone, with your bare hands. The salad, the potatoes, the green beans. What do you have to say for yourself?
:'''Dewey''': I was hungry, I guess.
:'''Reese''': This is great. Let's tell them about the dog and really nail his coffin shut.
:'''Malcolm''': Not yet. I have a hunch.
:'''Hal''': An entire stick of Butter?!
:'''Reese''': Now, lets tell them now.
:'''Malcolm''': Wait for it.
:'''Hal''': Wait a sec. How could you eat a candle?
:'''Dewey''':''[Takes candle stick from Hal's hand and eats it.]'' I like candles. i think they're good.
:''[Lois is disgusted with him.]''
:'''Hal''': That's it, you are going to the hospital and having your stomach pumped.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Spangler''': You call that a collage. It is an insult to the craft. I can see paste come up from the top of the popsicle stick.
:'''Mrs. Meekitjuk''': I'm sorry, I have Arthritis.
:'''Spangler''': That's it. You have just lost pudding for the whole group. Feel free to thank Mrs. Meekitjuk after I leave.
:''[The former commandant leaves and the other elderly residents starts despising him similar to Eric and the other Marlin cadets did.]''

=== ''Poker #2'' ===
:''[After Malcolm's half-assed efforts to destroy a gun nearly end in a shooting]''
:'''Cop''': So let me see; you found the gun, didn't tell your father, handled it, hid it inside the house, handled it again to move it and tried to destroy it with a hacksaw. And at no point did you contact the police until after the gun went off?
:'''Malcolm''': Yes.
:'''Cop''': What did you say your I.Q. was?!

=== ''Clip Show'' ===
:'''Dewey''': Can I have a piece of candy?
:'''Psychiatrist''': No.

=== ''Jury Duty'' ===
:'''Artie:''' I may be fat, stupid, color blind, and dyslexic, but at least I don't have three nipples.
:'''Eric:''' Shut your trap, that's a mole.  ''(to Pete)''  And you, your family changed their name so you couldn't track them down, no one will miss you.
:'''Pete:''' I'm pretty sure it starts with an O.
:'''Francis:'''  All three of you are useless, pea-brained idiots.  And for your information, I do suffer more than everybody else (eric makes a face) this is ridiculous let's just vote on it.
:'''Eric:''' Who Votes for Francis? (everyone except Francis raises their hand)
:'''Francis:''' Who Votes for Eric? (everyone except Eric raises their hand) Artie? (everyone raises their hands again) Pete? (everyone raises their hand) Four votes, the hut is spoken.
:'''Pete:''' No, you tricked me. no, no---- (eric and artie drag pete out the cabin door as francis watches in disgust) he'll reject me, i've tried me, i taste awful (cackling)
:'''Francis:''' All right, that's the worst thing any of us has ever done. I'm not proud of it but i really don't think we had a choice.
:'''Eric:''' Like i care about your opinion on anything.
:'''Francis:''' Wait a minute. Why do we hear eating?
:'''Eric:''' (truck engine starts) He Got To The Truck!
:'''Francis, Eric &amp; Artie:''' Pete! Pete! Pete!
:'''Pete:''' See ya back-stabbing sons of bitches in hell!

=== ''Cliques'' ===
:'''Lois''': Dewey, don't play connect the dots with your chickenpox, you'll get in infection.
:'''Dewey''': I'm bored!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois:''' Those dominoes are keeping Dewey from driving me crazy. And if they get knocked over, I will blame you. If a door slams shut and knocks them over, I will blame you. If there is an earthquake, I will blame you. If a condor dies in flight and crashes through our roof and knocks them over, I will blame you.
:'''Reese:''' But that's not fair.
:'''Lois:''' I WILL BLAME YOU!

=== ''Monkey'' ===
:'''TV''': ''&quot;...to break free of the atmosphere, a rocket must attain speeds of 25,000 miles per hour.&quot;
:'''Reese''': Bull! If they went that fast they'd be squashed in the back of their seats! They wouldn't float around!
:'''Malcolm''': You're confusing acceleration with velocity. You feel it at first, but once you're up to speed, you don't notice. Right now we're on a planet spinning at 1,000 miles per hour. We're also travelling around the sun at almost 67,000 miles per hour. The solar system is hurtling through the galaxy which is hurtling away from other galaxies cos the universe is expanding.
:''[Reese nervously clutches the arm of the sofa.]''
:'''Dewey''': Wheeeeee!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''[At the Alaskan logging camp]''
:'''Lavernia''': Okay, everyone clear out, you're all fired!
:'''Francis''': ''What''?!
:'''Lavernia''': Camp's closing; they cut down the last tree today. The mining company bought the land; you've gotta be out of here by the end of today.
:'''Francis''': We're just out like that without notice?!
:'''Lavernia''': This is the circle of life up here! First, they cut down the trees. Then the mining company strips the land. Then with any luck at all, they turn whatever's left into a nuclear waste dump. It's the only way we're gonna wean ourselves off our unhealthy dependence on foreign oil!

&lt;hr width 70%&gt;

:'''Angry Man''': What the hell are you doing?! I was waiting for that spot!

&lt;hr width 65%&gt;

==Season 4==
=== ''Zoo'' ===
:'''Walkie-talkie''': Hey, are the two boys still stuck in the tiger pit?
:''[Panic washes over the crowd]''
:'''Zookeeper''': Uh, no, I must be picking up a transmission from the zoo down the street!
:'''Hal''': Malcolm and Reese?
:'''Lois''': Malcolm and Dewey. Reese wouldn't last thirty seconds.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': If nothing I ever do has any meaning, then I can't care about anything, which makes me feel even worse! How am I supposed to be happy?
:'''Clown''': Kid, I'm a zoo clown. Now buy a giraffe, or go to hell.
:'''Malcolm''': See Dewey, there's a guy who understands.
:'''Dewey''': Malcolm, you're at the zoo. You have a Popsicle. How could you be unhappy?
:'''Malcolm''': I wanted grape.

=== ''Humilithon'' ===
:'''Reese''': STOP! I won't let you do this! I would rather die than be left alone with Mom!
:'''Malcolm''': Get out of the way!
:'''Reese''': NO! You can run me over, I don't care!
:''[Malcolm revs the car's engine, Reese screams and jumps aside.]''

&lt;hr width 100%&gt;

:'''Cynthia''': Malcolm, if you do  this, I will never have sex with you again.

=== ''Family Reunion'' ===
:''[Lois is crying in a closet after being tricked into being absent for the family's group photo. Without a word, Francis, Reese, Malcolm and Dewey march out of the room.]''
:'''Piama''': What are you going to do?
:'''Francis''': We don't know. We never know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Francis''': All right, everybody ready?

:'''Dewey''': I was born ready.

&lt;hr width 100%&gt;

:'''Lois''': I am so very disappointed in all of you. I don't care what those people did, that was no way for you to behave. Right, Hal?
:'''Hal''': Yeah, you boys are on notice. If you ever drive a golf cart over a catered dinner and into a swimming pool again, there will be consequences. Dire consequences.

=== ''Stupid Girl'' ===
:'''Reese''': Want some punch?
:'''Kid''': If I say 'yes', you're just gonna hit me.
:'''Reese''': I'm gonna hit you anyway, but it's funnier when you say 'yes'.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stevie''': What'd you get... for problem... 17?
:'''Malcolm''': I drew a tank.
:'''Stevie''': What's wrong... with you? For two days... you've been acting... like an idiot.
:'''Malcolm''': No for two days, I've been like someone who's happy and relaxed.
:'''Stevie''': You're turning... into Reese.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Reese whispers behind Malcolm's locker, Malcolm listens.]''
:'''Malcolm''': I think it'd be cool if they took the $1 bill and changed it to the $1,000,000 bill.  That way, nobody would be poor, and we'd all be millionaires.
:'''Alison''': Yeah, that's such a cool idea; I want to help poor people too!

=== ''Forwards Backwards'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': Wake up.
:'''Reese''': What do ''you'' want?
:'''Malcolm''': I just want you to know you're ''not'' getting last licks.
:'''Reese''': Huh?
:'''Malcolm''': I'm sick of you always having an edge just because you're an idiot and I'm smart and I'm concerned about consequences. I can be just as vicious and shortsighted as you.
:'''Reese''': Oh, yeah, I'm really scared. Why don't you just... ''[registers that his arm is glued to his forehead]'' Gaa! What'd you do?
:'''Malcolm''': I sunk to ''your'' level. And I have to say, it feels good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Craig''': Not so fast.
:''[Craig shows up to the comic book store in a heroic fashion. Hal is shocked and Dean is upset by his appearance.]''
:'''Dean''': This transaction does not concern you, Feldspar.
:'''Bob''': That's Craig Feldspar, he's a level 45 Dungeon Master.
:'''Craig''':''(confronting Dean for attempting to sell Hal a $50 mark up of a bad comic book)'' What cereal box did you shake this out of, Dean?
:'''Dean''': It's the first print, totally collectible.
:'''Craig''': Oh, should we check the Overstreet? Wait, we don't have to! 1997: First and only printing. 50,000 returns all in circulation. I keep this in my bathroom, but not for reading. This isn't a comic book store, it's a novelty shop!
:''[Dean attempts to sell Hal a &quot;rare&quot; comic book of Spider-Man fighting the Green Goblin by taking it out of it's plastic covering hoping to take advantage of his naiveté and get his money. Craig isn't buying it and spills soda on it.]''
:'''Ricky''': What are you doing?
:'''Craig''': Fear not, it was only a 1993 reprint. If that had been an original, he would've thrown himself at it.
:'''Ricky''':''[He and Bob are now betrayed by Dean after hearing Craig out]'' Dude, you told me that was real.
:'''Craig''': Now, lets talk business!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[A furious Hal and Lois are forced to miss Dewey's play by having to pick up an injured Reese and Malcolm from the hospital. Malcolm has a black eye, his head bandaged up and a broken arm. Reese has the worst of the injuries being in a body cast, his neck in a brace, and has a hard time walking in it.]''
:'''Lois''': I should've told the doctor to sew furs and tails on you boys because you're animals! Only animals are easier because then I can have you FIXED!
:'''Hal''':''[Facing Malcolm and Reese]'' For all the good it does, you're grounded again!
:'''Malcolm''': Thanks a lot for getting me grounded on my birthday!
:'''Reese''': Oh boo hoo, I was grounded on ''my'' birthday!
:'''Malcolm''': I was just standing up for myself! There is such a thing as justice, you know?!
:'''Reese''': Well, there is such a thing as &quot;Shut up&quot;!
:'''Lois''': Stop it. Malcolm, do you remember what you did for your birthday last year?
:'''Malcolm:''' Nothing. I was grounded then, too.
:'''Lois''': ''[to Reese]'' And what about your birthday?
:'''Reese''': You grounded me after I smashed Malcolm's face into the cake.
:'''Lois''': And your birthday before that?
:'''Malcolm''': Pretty much this.
:'''Reese''': ''[to Malcolm]'' Wait. When did you push me off the pony?

=== ''Forbidden Girlfriend'' ===
:'''Reese''': It can't be money day. There is no money day. I would know about it if there was a money day. Unless....maybe Mom and Dad don't want me knowing about money day.
:'''Billy''': ''[raking leaves around a perplexed Reese]'' Excuse me.
:'''Reese''': Beat it kid, I'm trying to figure something out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dewey''': He's my evil twin?
:'''Reese''': Fat chance. The guy's a saint. You're ''his'' evil twin.
:'''Dewey''': But I don't want to be an evil twin!
:'''Reese''': I don't make the rules, Dewey.

=== ''Malcolm Holds his Tongue'' ===
:''[After Malcolm suppresses his anger too long and ends up in the hospital]''
:'''Lois''': ''[incredulous]'' A [[w:Peptic Ulcer|peptic ulcer]]!? How did you manage to get a peptic ulcer!? The doctor said you had the stomach lining of a 60-year old air traffic controller! You are a teenager, for God's sake; what do you have to be stressed about!?
:'''Malcolm''': ''[finally loses his cool]'' For ''your'' information, I just spent the past 3 hours on a gurney next to a guy who was still trying to smoke out of the hole in his neck! And the jackass who put in this IV couldn't find a vein with two hands and a flashlight! My call button doesn't work! These stupid sheets are itchy! There's only one channel on the TV, and what's this about a bedpan?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alison''': You're the one who had his license taken away!
:'''Reese''': Because my public defender wouldn't even try the insanity defense. 

=== ''Boys at Ranch'' ===
:''[Reese, Malcolm, and Dewey are preparing to go out on ATVs.]''
:'''Malcolm''': All-terrain... I wonder if that really means ALL terrain.
:'''Reese''': They couldn't say it if it wasn't true.
:''[Later, Dewey's ATV is crashed upside down on a tree, with Dewey hanging from a branch.]''
:'''Reese''': Okay, so trees aren't terrain. Now we know.
:'''Francis''': ''[shouting after they destroyed the ATVS]'' You stay away from the horses, the vehicles, and the ATV's! That means go to your rooms until further notice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Francis, Reese, and Malcolm are watching fireworks.]''
:'''Reese''': How do we know which one is the Komodo 3000?
:''[Night turns to day for five seconds as the boys stare in silence, then reverts to night.]''
:'''Malcolm''': Let's hope that was it!
:'''Francis''': Did it say when our vision would come back?
:'''Reese''': Box said two days.
:'''Francis''': Totally worth it!

=== ''Grandma Sues'' ===
:''[Lois and Hal have just told Ida about the pregnancy in the hope she won't sue]''
:'''Hal''': Don't you think certain actions should be reconsidered?
:'''Ida''': Yes, yes of course. ''[Hal and Lois sigh in relief]'' You should settle.
:'''Hal''': ''What?!''
:'''Lois''': Mom!
:'''Ida''': It's for your own good. If you can't keep your legs closed for 20 minutes, at least take good advice when you hear it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ida''': Where are you going?
:'''Ida's Lawyer''': I'm outta here. They have no insurance; what, you think I'm going to take 40% of this run-down dump of a house?!
:'''Ida''': ''30%'' and yes!
:'''Ida's Lawyer''': Let me explain something to you; this house would fit in my house's garage, but then I'd have to park my Porsche in the driveway! Now I don't mind tossing innocent people out on the street, I just don't do it for free!
:'''doctor''':Well, I think I’ve figured out why you’re feeling so lousy, Lois. You’re
pregnant. (Hal and Lois exchange glances) 
:'''Lois''':Pregnant? 
:'''doctor'''Congratulations. (sees Hal and Lois’s facial expressions, and laughs)
This is the best part of my job. Seeing the looks on peoples’ faces
when I give them the good news.

=== ''If Boys Were Girls'' ===
:'''Malcom''': Reese has everything I want! I never have what I need! I don't even have my own bed! Why does everything in my life SUCK?!
:'''Dewey''': You owe me a new Spacefighter!
:'''Reese''': Shut up and get your own pen!
:''[Dewey yells and goes after Reese, but Malcom and Reese keep fighting]''
:'''Malcom''': Give it to me!
:'''Reese''': Why don't you just die?!
:'''Malcolm''': Give me my pen! I'm warning you!
:'''Reese''': Ooh, I'm scared! What are you gonna do? What's the baby gonna do?
:''[Malcolm decks Reese with a punch.]''
:'''Lois''': MALCOLM?!
:''[Hal, Malcolm and Dewey stand over Reese, out cold on the floor.]''
:'''Hal''': ''[astounded]'' Malcolm, you can take Reese?
:'''Lois''': No one's taking anybody! I can't believe you boys. ''[picks up Reese; Reese groans]'' Oh, my God, look at you! ''[Reese groans again]'' He better not need stitches! ''[Reese groans a third time]'' Yeah, like you weren't beggin' for it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcom''': Hey, Mom-
:'''Lois''': You did ''not'' already try on those clothes. And you do not have a term paper due, ''[looks at Dewey]'' and you are not gonna suddenly develop stomach cramps. 
:'''Malcolm''': But how did you-
:'''Lois''': Please! Who did you think you were talking to? Now go! Try on those clothes!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': ''[in her fantasy of having daughters]'' Girls, please! Can you just--? Girls, don't do this. You're supposed to be easy.
:'''Mallory''': No, Mom. ''You're'' easy.
:'''Daisy''': We can fool you about anything. We're girls, we know how you think and we're not above using it.

=== ''Long Drive'' ===
:''[Reese enters the house, talking loudly to disguise the fact he's being chased by the cops]''
:'''Lois''': ''[resigned]'' I'll put on the coffee.
:'''Hal''': ''[looks out the window]'' It's Hanson; make decaf. ''[waves to the cops]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Samuel''': 'Cause in prison you got to make your own fun. When they're tossing punk kids like you and you. Whoooo, it's like Christmas for me. If you displease me, I will not hesitate to grab you by your pretty little neck. Just squeeze until your eyeballs bulge out of your head and pop them with a fork.
:''[Reese laughs, catching the attention of Samuel]''
:'''Samuel''': You think that's funny?!
:'''Reese''' I thought you were trying to be funny.
:'''Samuel''': So I got me a volunteer, huh. Well let me tell you cupcakes, of WHAT YOUR FIRST DAY OF BEING HERE GONNA BE LIKE?!
:''[A few minutes later Reese is seen scared.]''
:'''Samuel''': And don't expect no flowers afterwards.

=== ''Kicked Out'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': It's so weird at my house. Nobody ever answers the phone and my brothers are seeing who can go the longest without changing their underwear. I never thought I'd miss my mom. ''[pauses]'' I still don't, but I'm getting there.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hal''': Malcolm can take care of himself. 
:'''Craig''': You're right. He's a genius ... which would make him attractive to rogue elements in our secret weapons programs. How long before some government scientist picks him up and surgically attaches him to some animal?

=== ''Stereo Store'' ===
:'''Reese''': What do we need a babysitter for? 
:'''Hal''': Because I want the house to be where I left it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': Dewey, what are you eating? 
:'''Dewey''': Carrot sticks. Jessica says we have to eat healthier. I don't know what company makes this, but I hate it.

=== ''Hal's Friend'' ===
:'''Dabney''': I know you think I'm a mama's boy.
:'''Malcolm''': No, mama's boys are laughing at you... with their mothers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Teenage Boy''': You like the pavement so much? Kiss It!
:''[Dabney kisses on the pavement]'':
:'''Dorene''': Oh my God! Dabney, you get away from here this instant! Did you make eye contact with that big boy?! When you are bullied, you tuck and cower!
:'''Dabney''': I was cowering, he wouldn't let me tuck. 
:''[Dorene grabs him and walks off]''

=== ''Garage Sale'' ===
:'''Dewey''': Malcolm, in school we learned the coolest thing: there were these people that did [[w:The War of the Worlds (radio drama)|this broadcast to convince everyone that aliens were landing]]. So what we do is wait for Reese to fall asleep, then we flash some lights outside his window then we go to the TV, but we'll have already made a tape... 
:'''Malcolm''': Dewey, you're totally over-thinking this. Reese, aliens landed down the street! 
:'''Reese''': ''[Runs in wearing a helmet and carrying a bat]'' Every man for himself! ''[runs out]''
:'''Dewey''': Oh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': ''[After realizing that Malcolm was telling the truth and sees Reese destroy the computer intentionally]'' That money isn't yours. He was going to rebuild our bedroom wall.
:'''Reese''': But you said I was in charge. That means I get the money.
:'''Lois''': No, it doesn't.
:'''Reese''': Then, why the hell do I want to be in charge?
:'''Lois''': Reese, this is helping you become a better person by building your self-esteem. Which you are obviously going to need if you are STUPID ENOUGH TO THROW AWAY $1300 THIS FAMILY DESPERATELY NEEDS!

=== ''Academic Octathlon'' ===
:'''Lois''': Look, Reese. Some people are born book-smart. Others are born crafty and street-smart. You, I'm afraid, are neither.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': I cannot wait until I'm old and senile. I'm going to be hooked up to life support in your attic, running you ragged with crazy old-person demands. I am going to cling to life for years just to make you suffer!
:'''Malcolm''': Fine, but I'm not staying here!

=== ''Clip Show #2'' ===
:'''Lois''': What makes you think I am going to die first?
:'''Hal''': Honey, you have that kind of personality. You operate at a very high level of stress.
:''[Flashbacks show Lois blowing up.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lois puts down a box containing papers of a will she wants to write for the family.]''
:'''Hal''': Why do we have to do this in the middle of the night anyway?
:'''Lois''': I will not have the boys see up writing a will. If they start thinking about a future without us, we'll totally lose control.
:'''Hal''': I'm telling you Lois, we are not equip to deal with these issues. We get into a giant, stupid fight every time we work on the will.
:'''Lois''': Hal, the last time we tried this was 10 years ago.
:'''Hal''': And it lead to a fight. You called me thin skinned and overly sensitive.

=== ''Reese's Party'' ===
:'''Reese''': Have fun in school today, suckers! I'll send ya a postcard from Whitehorse.
:'''Malcolm''': Reese, figure it out. It takes 26 hours to get to Canada and 26 hours to get back. Your backpack is full of food, and no one ever called Grandma.
:'''Reese''': ''[thinks]'' Wait a minute! I'm spending the entire weekend on this bus?
:''[Malcolm and Dewey waves farewell to Reese as the bus drives off.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donnie's Mom''': DONNIE!
:''[Donnie is taken by surprise when his mother appears before him next to Dewey.]''
:'''Donnie''': Mom, wha... what are you doing here?
:'''Donnie's Mom''': Trying to hide how ashamed I am at your behavior and wondering where I went wrong.
:'''Donnie''': Mom, come on.
:'''Donnie's Mom''': Your father and I tried to give you the best life possible and this is how we're paid back.
:'''Donnie''': Mom, you don't own me. I make my own decisions.
:'''Donnie's Mom''': These are the decisions you make. This is the life you choose. Who's covering your shift at the Suit Outlet.
:'''Dave''':''[smug]'' Dude, you are so busted!!!!
:''[Dave starts laughing shortly until his mother arrives. Francis, Reese and Malcolm are smug watching the whole thing.]''
:'''Dave's Mom''': Don't you be so smug, David Alan Ferguson. Believe me, every one of your step-fathers with hear about this.
:'''Donnie's Mom''': You say good-bye to your friends and you get in the car, RIGHT NOW!!!
:''[Donnie and Dave leaves with their mothers. The gang is so embarrassed and bail out of the garage fearing their own mothers will appear.]''
:'''Dewey''': It feels so good to tell.
:''[Francis, Reese and Malcolm are grateful to Dewey for his actions in telling on Donnie and his gang to their mothers.]''

=== ''Future Malcolm'' ===
:'''Leonard''': Hey, Casey Peterson, could you do us all a favor and turn that crap off?
:'''Casey''': It's not loud.
:'''Leonard''': I didn't say it was loud, I said it was crap.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leonard''': This is a terrible idea.
:'''Malcolm''': No, this is just what you need. Remember? A job, people, a life?
:'''Leonard''': But why here?
:'''Malcolm''': Because this is the only guy I know that would trade a job interview for a [[w:Hong Kong Phooey|Hong Kong Phooey]] lunchbox.
:'''Lois''':  I'm Because I Need To Stop Gaining Weight I've Turned Into A Gigantic Fat Cow.
:'''Hal''':Oh You Have Not.
:'''Lois''': Even The Doctor Said So.
:'''Hal''' You're Eating For Two Now What Kind Of Doctor Doesn't Know That?

=== ''Baby (Part 1)'' ===
:'''Lois''': Ow! The baby just started kicking like crazy. It's almost like something was upsetting...''[looks up and sees Ida at the window]'' Mom!
:'''Ida''': Are you gonna open the door?! Or should I lie down on the grass and feed the worms?!
:'''Francis''': Oh, great. Who opened the Gates of Hell?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Ida declares her intention to move in]''
:'''Francis''': This is ridiculous! You have a condo, it's nicer than this house!
:'''Ida''': It burned down.
:'''Lois''': Mom, you can't - How did your house burn down?
:'''Francis''': It was the villagers, wasn't it?
:''[Ida flicks a lit cigarette onto the couch]''
:'''Ida''': It's a mystery.
:'''Lois''':(something breaks) Oh, for God’s sake, what was that?!
(looks around the room and nobody is there) Wherever you
are, whatever you’ve done, don’t think I won’t find you!

=== ''Baby (Part 2)'' ===
:''[Francis repeatedly hits a wood beam with a hammer, panting frantically]''
:'''Lois''': What are you doing?
:'''Francis''': Building calms me down, OK? We're all trying to find ways to cope with this!
:'''Lois''': Yes, Francis. I'm trying to cope with this pregnancy BY GIVING BIRTH!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Reese''': Oh, my God, women are the cows of people!

=== ''Day Care'' ===
:'''Dewey''': Like Pastor Roy said, how God is so much bigger and wiser than us, and trying to see what He's thinking would be like an ant trying to see what I'm thinking.
:'''Teacher''': Yes, exactly. But we can trust in His wisdom, and have faith that He is watching over us.
:'''Dewey''': Like me with the anthill in my backyard. I spent days watching the ants, trying to figure out which ones were good, and which ones were bad, but they all just looked like ants, so I started smiting all of them.
:'''Teacher''': Well that's not...
:'''Dewey''': I was smiting them with the garden hose, and with lighter fluid, and with the lawnmower, and to be perfectly honest, I think I went a little crazy with the shovel. Those ants could have been praying to me all day, I wouldn't have heard them. There was nothing they could do about it.
:'''Teacher''': But, I don't think...
:'''Dewey''': Really, it's the same with us. There's nothing we can do about anything either, so why worry about it? Hey, this is making me feel better.
:'''Teacher''': Well, that's...good, but...
:'''Dewey''': I guess all we can do is live our lives with as much kindness and decency as possible, and try not to dwell on God standing over us with a giant shovel. Bye!
:''[Leaves Teacher wondering, and looking up worrying about God's &quot;giant shovel&quot;]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Francis and a rival member from another ranch are arrested by the government.]''
:'''Agent''': The United States Government is not happy with the level of interest you created in this sector.
:'''Francis''': But what's the harm in pretending I'm from another planet? I mean all that stuff of UFOs about abductions and cavity probes, that's all made up, right.
:'''Agent''': ''[looks at his partner for a second]'' Yes, there are no aliens, but there are cavity probes.

==Season 5==
=== ''Vegas'' ===
:'''Boone Vincent''': The here and now is a special, special gift. That's why I call it &quot;the present&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Otto''': No one expects you to be perfect. If I wanted perfection, I would have hired a robot... or a Swede.

=== ''Watching the Baby'' ===

:'''Polly''': Oh, my God. I'm supposed to be in court today.

&lt;hr width 60%&gt;

:'''Hal''': Look, Lois will pay these tomorrow when she comes in.

:'''Craig Feldspar''': You can't take those! That's shoplifting!

:'''Hal''': Fine, then I'm shoplifting, What are you going to do about it?!

:'''Craig Feldspar''': Vernon!

&lt;hr width 50%&gt;

:'''Kathy''': ''[through crocodile tears]'' Do you guys want to go out on a date with us?
:'''Stevie Kenarban''': You pray... and you pray... and finally... it happens.
:''[Stevie takes a hit from his inhaler, then from his breath spray]''
:'''Malcolm''': What do you mean, 'go out'? When? Where?
:'''Joanne''': Right now. With us. In that.
:'''Reese''': ''[the boys rush to the window and see a stretch limousine]'' Oh my God. I bet it has a toilet! Dibs!
:'''Joanne''': ''[later in the limo]'' OK, so here's the deal, freaks. Our boyfriends left us in the middle of the Fall Formal to go to some stupid party... So now we're gonna go to this party and make out with you guys in front of those inconsiderate jerks.
:'''Malcolm''': You want to make them jealous?
:'''Joanne''': No, we want to make them puke! See, once they see us kissing losers like you guys, they're never gonna live it down.
:'''Malcolm''': You came over to our house and asked us out because we were the most disgusting guys you could find?
:'''Limo Driver''': Actually, some kid with a hunch back and gills turned them down. Said he had too much pride.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Reese''': These girls want to fool around with us.
:'''Malcolm''': Only because we're losers.
:'''Reese''': Hey. We're riding in a limo we didn't pay for. We're about to make out with hot girls who don't even like us. I don't know what we are, but we are not losers.
:'''Malcolm''': Have you even thought about where this is going? Her boyfriend is Aaron Stepanovich. If he sees you kissing his girlfriend, he's gonna kill you!
:'''Reese''': I know.
:'''Malcolm''': Then why are you...
:'''Reese''': Because anything's better than the way things are now! Look, I've had this cute lab partner in science for eight weeks now. Her name is Cheryl. I finally left Cheryl a note on her desk asking her out. And when she read it, she turned to me and said: &quot;Do you know who Reese is?&quot; So then she goes, &quot;Does ANYBODY know who Reese is?&quot;, and everybody shrugged. So then I said, &quot;Probably some nobody&quot;. And you know what? I was right.
:'''Limo Driver''': Wow, that's awful, kid. You want to wear my hat?
:'''Reese''': So tonight, I'm gonna fix that. From now on, when I walk by, people are gonna say, &quot;What happened to that guy's face?&quot;. And someone's gonna say, &quot;That's Reese. He made out with Aaron Stepanovich's girlfriend.&quot; And that I can live with.

=== ''Goodbye Kitty'' ===

:'''Abe Kenarban''': Kitty isn't on a business trip. She divorced me two months ago.

&lt;hr width 70%&gt;

:'''Lois''': What on earth are you doing?
:'''Malcolm''': I have to practice being in a wheelchair...
:'''Hal''': I suppose that makes sense. You'll never know... all it takes is one horrible accident and you end up in one of those for the rest of your life.
:'''Malcolm''': Just for basketball...
:'''Hal''': That's the spirit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stevie''': Thanks, Malcolm, that is what I really needed to hear.
:'''Malcolm''': Oh, good.
:'''Stevie''': ''[about the computer]'' This thing sucks at sarcasm.

=== ''Thanksgiving'' ===
:''[buzzer]''
:'''Reese''': The Monkfish!! ''[searches drawer]'' Where are the oven mitts? 
:'''Piama''': Do you want me to look?
:'''Reese''': No, keep stirring. No place mats, no tea towels. I need something.
:'''Piama''': I'll get a towel from the bathroom.
:'''Reese''': No, there's not enough time. It has to come out at exactly 5:38. Not 5:37, not 5:39.
:'''Piama''': Well, what are you gonna do?
:'''Reese''': There's only one thing I can do. ''[walks over to oven and opens it]''
:'''Piama''': Reese, nooooo!!!
:'''Reese''': Yes! ''[grabs Monkfish with his bare hands, screams and pulls it out]'' Make me a space!!
:'''Piama''': Where?!?
:'''Reese''': Move the oven mitts! ''[Piama moves the oven mitts and Reese sets the Monkfish on the table and shakes his hands.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Reese''': Dewey, do you trust me?
:'''Dewey''': No.
:'''Reese''': ''[aggressively]'' Do you fear me?
:'''Dewey''': Not in the long run.

=== ''Malcolm Films Reese'' ===

:'''Lois''': Do I try to keep on buying new clothes?

&lt;hr width 85%&gt;

:'''Mr. Herkabe''': You are going to secretly conduct an in-case study of a deviant mind. The most deviant mind we have in our disposal. A mind incapable of differentiating between right and wrong, a diseased…
:'''Malcolm''': You're talking about my brother!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': This is an official apology. I'm a horrible person and I'm sorry. What I did was horrible, even by our standards. And, let's face it, we've set the bar very low.

=== ''Malcolm's Job'' ===
:'''Dewey''': I can't handle Malcolm and Reese anymore. I need a good big brother before it's too late. I'm like one wedgie away from an eating disorder.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Malcolm has just caught Lois outside with a cigarette.]''
:'''Malcolm''': YOU'RE SMOKING?! After all the times you've lectured us? After telling us if we smoke you'd kill us before the cancer did, after you would push Francis' lit cigarette back into his mouth and make him swallow, and you smoke?! You SMOKE?!

=== ''Christmas Trees'' ===
:'''Lois''': Every time you come into contact with me and my family, something horrible happens to you. I can't deal with the guilt anymore.
:'''Craig''': I don't know what you're talking about.
:'''Lois''': Come on, if it weren't for us you'd still have all your teeth, you wouldn't flinch every time you saw a ceiling fan, your car would never have been filled with bees.
:'''Craig''': Coincidences.
:'''Lois''': Craig, you broke your foot looking up a phone number for me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%'/&gt;
:'''Hal''': The only way I've managed to get through my crappy life with any shred of self-worth is by living in denial. If I let myself get beaten by failure, I would have quit after one kid.

&lt;hr width 80%&gt;

:'''Cop''': That's not my problem. You get them out, or you will be spending Christmas in a jail cell.

&lt;hr width 60%&gt;

:'''Piama''': Thanks for spending Christmas with my relatives.

=== ''Block Party'' ===
:'''Hal:''' Communities seek out a common enemy. If it wasn't us, they'd all team up against someone else. Probably a minority.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': The whole neighborhood hates us so much that they throw a giant celebration just because we're gone.
:'''Lois''': Malcolm, that's not news. I'm just surprised they're so organized.

=== ''Dirty Magazine'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': ''[explaining the school magazine's editorial policy]'' Nothing gets rejected. It doesn't matter how self-involved or boring or childish or stupid or painful it is. If it can be stapled, it's in.

&lt;hr widith=50%/&gt;
:'''Lois''': The principal of your school called. He said you filed a [[lawsuit]] so you could destroy the school.
:'''Malcolm''': That's a total lie. All I want to do is publish a magazine full of dirty words.

=== ''Hot Tub'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': Who has the mustard?
:'''Dewey''': I don't know. Maybe Reese stole it like he steals everything.
:'''Reese''': Well maybe the mustard likes me better. Maybe the mustard and I have more fun.

=== ''Ida's Boyfriend'' ===
:'''Lois''': You're moving to China?
:'''Ida''': I know. Chickens in the street, children in the sweatshops, everyone smokes. It's a dream come true.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ida''': If he still has his teeth and is good in bed, why wait? ''[Malcolm is disgusted.]'' Oh, I forgot, this one doesn't like girls.
:'''Malcolm''': Grandma, I'm not gay.
:'''Ida''': That's right, I'm just a liar.

=== ''Softball'' ===
:'''Lois''': You know what your problem is? You know why you can't accept my apology? Because you can't stand to be happy.
:'''Francis''': What?!
:'''Lois''': You have an addiction to trouble. You need to have chaos in your life. You always have. I mean, look at you: you have a great job, a nice home, a wife, and you can't stand it. You have to come back here and pick a fight with your mother.
:'''Francis''': That's not true! I came back here because you've destroyed any chance any of us ever had for happiness. ''[to Malcolm as he walks in with spots of zit cream on his face]'' Tell her what a horrible mother she is! Tell her, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm''': He's right! You insinuate yourself into every part of our lives just to make sure there's no place we're not miserable. Well, you're gonna turn me into a drooling infant like you did Francis.
:'''Francis''': Yeah...! What?!
:'''Malcolm''': I'm quitting the softball team! 
:'''Lois''': You are doing no such thing, Malcolm. You had a chance to quit, but now we have a game. You made a commitment to a team, and other people are counting on you.
:'''Malcolm''': You can't force me to play.
:'''Lois''': No, but I can confiscate your paychecks.
:'''Malcolm''': You are pure evil!
:'''Francis''': How do you sleep at night? ''[holds up his old tricycle then leaves with Malcolm]''

&lt;hr width 75%&gt;

:'''Dewey''': There is a certain pleasure secretly controlling someone dumber than you.

=== ''Lois's Sister'' ===
:'''Reese''': You don't understand the power of my brain, Malcolm. It's like a deep ravine that sits in total darkness. But once in a while, just for a moment, a brilliant shaft of light shines directly down into it. And that's the moment I will think of a genius plan that will get us into that Mustang.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': This is torture. The car's just sitting there and no one can drive it.
:'''Reese''': Yeah, it's like that hot nun who comes around every year for the toy drive. 

=== ''Malcolm Dates a Family'' ===
:''[a baseball crashes through the window, Reese and Dewey come running in with baseball mitts.]''
:'''Dewey''': Oh, no! Mom and Dad are going to kill us!
:'''Reese''': I know what to do.
:''[A short time later, the baseball has been replaced by a rock with a note taped to it.]''
:'''Hal''': ''[reading note]'' &quot;Get out of our neighborhood. We hate your guts.&quot; It's either the Lustigs, the Andersons, the Coopers, or the Browns.
:'''Lois''': It's the Hacketts! Like this is going to bring their cat back to life?
:'''Hal''': Let's see how they like a taste of their own medicine.
:'''Lois''': I'll get the car.
:''[Reese and Dewey share a guilty look.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Dewey''': If you believe it, then why'd you buy the Mexican food?
:'''Lois''': Fine, Mexican food goes in the trash!

&lt;hr width 70%&gt;

:'''Malcolm''': You're worried about your family? That's not going to bother me.
:'''Angela''': Oh, yeah? My family is unbelievably intrusive, overbearing, controlling and humiliating.
:'''Malcolm''': You're talking to the right guy.

=== ''Reese's Apartment'' ===
:''[Hal is speaking in angry gibberish]''
:'''Lois''': ''[looks at Hal]'' Was that &quot;scramble&quot; or &quot;strangle&quot;?
:'''Reese''': What are you guys talking about?
:'''Lois''': You know what we're talking about! Last week, you...
:''[The scene changes]''
:'''Reese''': I can name Third World countries where stuff like that happens all the time!
:'''Lois''': What am I going to do with you, Reese?! I don't want to say this is a new low, because every time I do, you take it as a personal challenge!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after finding out how Reese paid for his new apartment]'' 
:'''Lois''': Reese, I really owe you some thanks for giving me some faith in myself. The next few days, I will be saying very little. I will be deciding on a punishment. Ideas are already popping into my mind, it's really very exciting! But I don't want to get hasty and leave either of us feeling dissatisfied!
:''[Hal opens the door, Lois drags Reese out by his ear.]''
:'''Reese''': Ow! Are you going to drag me all the way home?!
:'''Hal''': Well, we're taking your ear there. If the rest of you wants to come, that's fine, too.

=== ''Malcolm Visits College'' ===

:'''Lois''': No more junk food. From now on, we are going to be a family that eats healthy.

:'''Hal''': Brownie? Mmm.

&lt;hr width 100%&gt;

:'''Piano Manager''': What the hell are you doing back there?! These pianos are for paying customers only! You're wearing out the keys! Hey!

&lt;hr width 90%&gt;

:'''Lois''': Why are you in such a hurry to get rid of me?
:'''Malcolm''': Because I'm supposed to be doing this stuff on my own.
:'''Lois''': I'm just here to make sure you do it on your own the right way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Reese''': Wait a second! You guys are talking about college for Malcolm and not me? I'm a year older than he is. Why aren't you taking me to look at colleges?
:'''Hal''': Well...son...
:'''Reese''': ''[Laughs]'' I'm just screwing with you! Relax!

&lt;hr width 70%&gt;

:'''Otto''': So I went to the store and got those cookies, and I brought three cases of old-fashioned hard lemonade.

:'''Francis''': Hard lemonade? That has alcohol in it!

:'''Otto''': Yes, Francis. I said there was a problem.

&lt;hr width 75%&gt;

:'''Otto''': Those parents trusted me with the little ones, until I've poisoned them! What kind of a monster am i?

&lt;hr width 80%&gt;

:'''Leland''': Oh, wait, there are no other mothers here. You just cost this floor their electricity privileges.

&lt;hr width 85%&gt;

:'''Malcolm''': And you know what, I want my candy than I want my next breath. I have a plan!

:'''Lois''':''[yelling]''Malcolm, what are you doing?!

:'''Malcolm''': My plan!

:'''Lois''': Well, get your foot out of the door!

:'''Malcolm''': I can't. It's stuck!

=== ''Polly in the Middle'' ===
:''[Reese is burning ants with a magnifying glass]''
:'''Reese''': ''[to an ant]'' Looking for a little picnic, huh? Looks like you've come to the wrong place!
:'''Malcolm''': There's one on your hand.
:'''Reese''': Ha ha! ''[aims the searing pinpoint of light from magnifying glass at his own hand]'' You've got a little surprise coming! Stupid ant...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Polly''': Thanks so much for inviting me. I really needed something to take my mind off my love life.
:'''Hal''': Well, that's why God invented baseball,... and war.

=== ''Dewey's Special Class'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': ''[horrified]'' They put you in with the Buseys?
:'''Dewey''': ''[sarcastically]'' Yeah, it's real interesting! Today, we learned about our greatest enemies: Mr Matches and Mr Talk-out-of-turn! ''[angrily]'' Oh, and I also got to see a crane lower a flight simulator into the Krelboyne class!
:'''Malcolm''': Oh, my God! Does Mom know?
:'''Dewey''': You're still alive... so, no.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

:'''Lois''': Good night, Fred and Ginger.

:'''Craig Feldspar''': I thought it was Fred and Barney.

&lt;hr width 60%&gt;

:''[Malcolm tries to keep Dewey out of the Krelboyne class.]''
:'''Malcolm''': ''[to Dewey]'' Trust me, I'm the good brother. I'm the one who cares about you.
:'''Dewey''': But you beat me up and make fun of me.
:'''Malcolm''': Only when you're being annoying. Dewey, I'm serious. How can I make you understand? The coolest person in the class... was me!
:'''Dewey''': Okay, I'll do it.

=== ''Experiment'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': This is important. Restriction enzymes are used for chromosome mapping, DNA testing, gene splicing. It's for a big national competition. If we win this, our paper will be published in a scientific journal. We'll probably be able to write out ticket to any college in the country.
:'''Stevie''': Then everyone... will pay.
:'''Malcolm''': Only our incubator keeps breaking down. Plus, we're running low on agar, we're completely out of blood, our yeast keeps getting contaminated.
:'''Reese''': Maybe I can help.
:'''Malcolm''': That's okay, Reese. If we need a head caught in a wastepaper basket, we'll give you a call.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': I gave him some food coloring and told him they were chemicals.
:'''Reese''': Guys! I made an incredible discovery! When you mix together blue and yellow, you get an entirely new color! ''[Holds up a test tube full of green liquid]'' I shall call it...blellow!

=== ''Victor's Other Family'' ===

:'''Ida''': I just remembered, tomorrow I'm getting waxed.

&lt;hr width 90%&gt;

:'''Malcolm''': You know what else is strange? 
:'''Lois''': What?
:'''Malcolm''': Have you heard a bird or a cricket or anything in the last two minutes?
:'''Lois''': No, everything has gone quiet as a graveyard.
:''[Lois and Malcolm turn around and gets scared to see an enraged Ida at Sylvia's doorstep]'''
:'''Ida''': JUDAS!!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sylvia''': Ida, I think you should know that besides the restraining order, I have a knitting needle. All right, it's a crochet hook.
:'''Ida''': Listen to me, tough guy. I know about Victor's other pension. Victor worked for Paragon Brush from 1960 to 1964. Manitoba law states as common-law wife, I am entitled to that pension.
:'''Sylvia''': I really don't know what you're talking about.
:'''Ida''': The truth will burst out of the grave and strangle you and your whole family.
:'''Lois''': ''[walks towards Ida; in a sotto voice]'' Mother, we'll discuss this later. If you don't turn around and leave, so help me God, I'll rip the wig of your head and everyone will see your TICK SCARS!
:''[Ida and Lois faces each other momentarily.]''

=== ''Reese Joins the Army (Part 1)'' ===

:'''Lois''': Can he at least put some pants on?

&lt;hr width 65%&gt;

:'''Reese''': I just stopped thinking. I figured out that using my brain was the whole problem. Not just here, but my entire life. If I do exactly what I'm told and nothing else, then everything gets easy. It's not even a question of smart or dumb. You just turn yourself into a tool. I'm much happier that way. I'm the world's happiest tool.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': Haven't you finished paying these bills yet?
:'''Hal''': How am I supposed to know which ones to blow off? &quot;Ultimate Final Notice&quot; is obviously more serious than &quot;Absolute Final Notice,&quot; but pink is angrier than yellow, and this one's still saying, &quot;Please.&quot;

=== ''Reese Joins the Army (Part 2)'' ===
:'''Francis''':''[shows Malcolm a legal document.]'' Malcolm, we need to talk. I know we've been avoiding this, but it's time to face facts. You need to forge Dad's signature declaring Mom mentally incompetent. That way when Dad goes to jail, you can get emancipated and I'll take custody of Dewey and Jamie.
:'''Dewey''': Strange, I always figured Mom for jail and Dad for the loony bin. Life, huh?
:'''Malcolm''': I can't fake Dad's signature. I do Mom, Reese does Dad.
:'''Francis''': What?!? You should each be able to do both! What did I tell you about building a little redundancy into the system?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hal''': Lois, we won the case! Now we can get our lives back to the way they were.
:'''Lois''': ''[getting angry]'' You didn't work on Fridays? After all the sacrifices I made for this family. For 15 years, I worked double shifts, drove carpools, cleaned the house, while you were FEEDING SHAMU!!!
:'''Hal''': Actually, it's Keiko 2. He's smaller, but you get just as wet in the front row. It's a really good show. Let's go. We should see it sometime.

== Season 6 ==
=== ''Reese Comes Home'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': The Army. What do you expect from people who would give Reese a gun?
:'''Lois''': Oh, that's right, it's the Army's fault that your brother gets killed.
:'''Hal''': Now Lois, we can't blame Malcolm for stealing Reese's girl and causing this whole mess in the first place.
:'''Malcolm''': Huh?
:'''Hal''': Kids his age are nothing but raging hormones and hideous self-involvement. They are all immoral little creeps.
:'''Lois''': Don't defend him, Hal. Just help me make dinner.
:'''Dewey''': Great, angry meatloaf. Thanks a lot.
:'''Malcolm''': ''[to audience]'' I don't have to worry about Reese. All he has to do is lay low and not do anything stupid... Oh, God.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Malcolm and Dewey show their lists of &quot;Mean Things Reese Did&quot; to each other]''
:'''Malcolm''': &quot;Lighter Fluid Donut.&quot; That's worse than stealing a girlfriend, right?
:'''Dewey''': I don't know. Were you in love for the first time with that donut?
:'''Malcolm''': Shut up, Dewey! I had every right. In fact, I owe him!
:'''Dewey''': So you're saying if he dies, then you'll be even?
:'''Malcolm''': I didn't say he was going to die!
:'''Dewey''': Malcolm, he almost killed himself with Bisquick once.
:'''Malcolm''': I'm just saying he deserves whatever he gets. ''[Sighing]'' No, he doesn't. That's something that Reese would say. I'm not Reese. Just because he's horrible doesn't mean I have to be. I'm better than that.
:'''Dewey''': Wow, for a brother-killer, you sure are conceited.

=== ''Buseys Run Away'' ===
:'''Hal''': Wow! You guys are huge! And shiny!
:'''Bodybuilder''': Thanks mister, but we can always be huger and shinier!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': What are you trying to do?
:'''Reese''': Mom hasn't made you do any of the crap she's made us do. Why's she being so nice to you?
:'''Dewey''': Because for the last three days, I haven't done anything wrong. You see, Mom doesn't yell and scream at us because it's the only way she knows how to talk; she does it because we do stuff that's bad. And if you don't do anything, she doesn't get mad at you. You understand? It's not her, it's us.
:''[pause]''
:'''Malcolm''': Fine, don't tell us.

=== ''Standee'' ===
:''[Hal walks by a large pile of garbage on his lawn]''
:'''Dewey''': ''[muffled yelling]'' Dad!
:'''Hal''': Dewey?
:'''Dewey''': Daaaaaad!
:'''Hal''': Dewey? Where are you?
:'''Dewey''': I don't know! My garbage fort collapsed!
:'''Hal''': Can you breathe?
:'''Dewey''': Yes. But I don't want to!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Malcolm sees an embarrassing picture of himself dressed like a hula dancer at Lois' station at the Lucky Aide]''
:'''Malcolm''': What's that?
:'''Lois''': Hmmm?
:'''Malcolm''': I threw that picture away!
:'''Lois''': Oh, we still have the negative. It reminds me of the old you, back when you still knew right from wrong.
:'''Malcolm''': Just because I'm not doing what you want doesn't mean you can humiliate me!
:'''Lois''': Humiliate you? You mean there's an offensive image on display in the store?
:'''Customer''': My son used to love to play dress-up just like that. Give him a call. ''[She hands Malcolm a paper with his phone number and winks at him]''
:'''Malcolm''': Take that down!
:'''Lois''': Gee, I'm not doing what you want. You're not doing what I want. Maybe we should bring Mr. Kushell into this, since he's the only one whose opinion you seem to care about.
:''[Several minutes later, Lois is forced to remove the picture as Malcolm reads the store's rule book with Kushell standing beside him]''
:'''Malcolm''': No employee may display personal items at his or her workspace. Don't worry, Mom. It only added a day to your probation.
:'''Shirley''': ''[Another employee forced to remove her cross]'' I'm sorry, God. You're against the rules here.
:'''Craig''': ''[sobbing while rolling up a motivational poster]'' I don't know who I am any more!

=== ''Pearl Harbor'' ===
:'''Jessica''': ''[as she walks in]'' So the stupid cops let my dad off with ''another'' warning! We've lived in this neighborhood for three weeks now and they still haven't carted him off yet!
:'''Reese''': No! Jessica, you don't get to keep barging in here like you own the place! Go back outside and knock...and then go away! 
:'''Jessica''': ''[pauses, then continues as if nothing has happened]'' Seriously, what do you have to do to get popped for drunk and disorderly around here? He was out on the curb in his underpants, rolling burning trash cans into the street!
:'''Malcolm''': ''[aside to the camera]'' The sad thing is, we're ''still'' the worst family on this block!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hal''': You know that jerk across the road who's got it in for me?
:'''Dewey''': Which one? 'Parking Jerk' or 'Lawnmower Jerk'?
:'''Hal''': No! 'Christmas Jerk', Bill Randall! Every year that guy waits to see what Christmas decorations I put out and then finds a way to top it. I string lights, he strings better lights. I put out Frosty, he puts out an elf village. I put out Dracula, he does nothing and I look like a jackass! I mean, what kind of sick mind uses a religious holiday as a weapon?!
:'''Dewey''': Wait, which one's 'Call the Cops Jerk'?
:'''Hal''': That's like ''four'' of them!

=== ''Kitty's Back'' ===
:'''Abe''': Thank you so much for letting us be a part of Dewey's birthday. You're enjoying your special day, son?
:'''Dewey''': I expect nothing, and I'm still let down.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Abe''': Even though the mashed potatoes are not supposed to come with the duck, cram them in there anyway whether the duck likes it or not.
:'''Waiter''': Ma'am?
:'''Lois''': The beef. Even though it's the carrots that are the problem, I'd like to exclude the broccoli.
:'''Waiter''': That may work as a metaphor, ma'am, but you're really screwing up your entree.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': Reese, your punishment isn't over until that bathroom floor is so clean you'll be eating off it. Which is what you'll be doing for the next three weeks. And get rid of that thing, it's disgusting. 
:'''Reese''':''[offended]'' Disgusting?! If Malcolm made another him out of hair, you'd be throwing a parade for him, right now. 
:''[The vacuum sucks up Reese's peeled skin suit]''
:'''Reese''': [shrieks] Noooooo. 
:'''Lois''': It just took it. 
:'''Reese''': That could've been me. ''[unplugs the vacuum]'' I need five minutes alone with the vacuum. ''[takes the vacuum and leaves]''

=== ''Hal's Christmas Gift'' ===
:'''Dewey''': Reese just came up with the most fun thing to do. Riding your bike through the graveyard. With your eyes closed. He smashed into this one gravestone, flew through the air, hit another gravestone, and landed in an open grave!
:'''Reese''': Lying in that hole was surprisingly peaceful. I no longer fear death.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hal''': You're the ones that turned your mother into a ticking time bomb.  You just thank your lucky stars that she went off on an [[innocent]] [[bystander]].

=== ''Hal Sleepwalks'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': It's a good thing you weren't [[John Lennon]]'s mother.
:'''Lois''': If I were John Lennon's mother, he'd still be alive.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': ''[singing]'' No one knows just what I've been through. I can't stop the pain inside me. Now I'm staring out my window. Children play, they seem so happy. Why are we here going nowhere? Why does my life feel so empty?
:'''Dewey''': ''[singing]'' Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow. Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow!
:'''Malcolm''': What are you doing?
:'''Dewey''': That's the &quot;Meow Mix&quot; song.

=== ''Lois Battles Jamie'' ===
:'''Lois''': ''[about Jamie]'' He is absolutely the worst kid we've ever had.
:'''Hal''': Oh, you say that with every kid. Let's face it, Lois, it's just the hand we were dealt. God doesn't like us. That doesn't make us bad people.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dewey''': Jamie tries to kill Mom and we're the ones who have to clean it up?! You want to tell me how that's fair?!
:'''Malcolm''': You've got to give the kid some credit. It's the closest any of us actually ever came.
:'''Dewey''': Jamie wasn't really spawned by Satan, was he?
:'''Malcolm''': No. If he was, we'd have a way better house.


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': (to Jamie) you do not pinch, you do not poke, you do not bite, you do not spit, you do not eye-gouge, you do not vomit intentionally on other babies! (carried Jamie over to Malcolm, Dewey &amp; Reese) A Lifetime ban from Gymboree, A LIFETIME BAN! (lois slams the door).

=== ''Malcolm's Car'' ===
:'''Reese''': You are going to be so proud of me.
:'''Malcolm''': Why?
:'''Reese''': I spent the last five nights in a chat room reeling in this creep named Heinrich. I got his address and showed up at his house with a printed transcript of our conversations. He calls me &quot;Sugarbuns&quot; fifteen times on nine separate occasions.
:'''Malcolm''': Reese...
:'''Reese''': So, the guy starts crying, &quot;What about my wife? What about my kids? I'll do anything.&quot; Entrapment. It's not just for police anymore.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': ''[about Reese's latest scheme]'' Wow! Blackmailing a pervert to facilitate underage gambling. How could this not work out?

=== ''Billboard'' ===
:''[After Lois has noticed the boys about to deface a billboard]''
:'''Lois''': ''[on the ground]'' OH MY GOD!
:'''Dewey''': Did you guys hear something?
:'''Lois''': What are you boys doing up there?!
:'''Malcolm''': It's Mom! ''[the boys try to flatten themselves against the billboard]''
:'''Dewey''': How'd she know where to find us!?
:'''Reese''': I told you she's got tracking devices in our fillings! If you two geniuses had ripped them out like I did, we wouldn't be in this mess!
:'''Dewey''': Maybe she didn't see us.
:'''Lois''': ''[Yelling at the boys in the parking lot]'' Reese, Malcolm, Dewey, you get down here this instant! 
:'''Reese''': ''[bad Spanish accent]'' Misses, I don't know who you thinking we are. Your boys are very different boys than we are being.
:''[the light turns on the stripper billboard; the boys back up and Lois rolls her eyes]''
:'''Reese''': ''[afraid]'' Where's the back door for this thing? 
:'''Malcolm''': ''[scared]'' It's a billboard! 
:'''Dewey''': ''[terrified]'' We're so dead. This time she'll finish us!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Reese''': Check out that pig!
:'''Dewey''': You don't have to talk about them like that. They've been really nice to us.
:'''Malcolm''': Yeah, they really believe in this stuff.
:'''Reese''': That is such a load. Every woman down there is just here because they're jealous.
:'''Malcolm''': Of what?
:'''Reese''': Of the fact that they're not hot enough to be strippers. They act like they're all offended, but really they're just mad about their own giant butts. Believe me, in their heart of hearts, every woman wants to be her. ''[Points to the billboard girl]''
:'''Malcolm''': What about Mom?
:'''Reese''': We're not talking about moms. We're talking about women.
:'''Malcolm''': So all women want to be strippers? There are no women in the world who want to be doctors or lawyers, or anything like that?
:'''Reese''': Cut the act, Malcolm. They can't hear you. Just because they look like dogs doesn't mean they hear like dogs.
:'''Dewey''': I'm sleeping on the other side. ''[He and Malcolm move away from him]''
:'''Reese''': Come on, I was just being honest! ''[Scoffs]'' So whipped!

=== ''Dewey's Opera'' ===
:'''Lois''': Hal, get in this bed and go to sleep!
:'''Hal''': ''[grabbing a pillow and blanket]'' Oh, I'll sleep. I'll sleeep where I'm wanted.
:''[Goes over to the couch as Dewey continues to compose music.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At the Buseys classroom, Dewey is performing his music.]''
:'''Zoe''': ''[playing Lois and singing] Are you coming back to bed? Or should I just order a crib for you.
:'''Hanson''': ''[playing Hal and singing]'' I'm not coming back. I don't like to be where I'm not wanted, especially if it's on a big, giant bed.

=== ''Living Will'' ===
:''[Hal and Lois sit in front of a fireplace looking through photos]''
:'''Lois:''' Oh, I remember this! This is Reese's fifth birthday!
:'''Hal:''' And this must be Christmas that same year.
:''[The viewer sees an X-ray showing a candy cane stuffed five inches into the nasal cavity, hook-first]''
:'''Lois:''' He grew up so fast!
:'''Hal:''' Oh, he sure did. Here's Malcolm's first day at school.
:''[The viewer sees another X-ray of the pelvic region with a toy truck in between the hips]''
:'''Lois:''' Remember when we lost Dewey at the flea market?
:''[The viewer sees yet another X-ray of the chest region with a wristwatch embedded in the middle of it]''
:'''Hal:''' ''[holds out wrist]'' Still keeps great time.
:'''Lois:''' Want to go through the arrest reports?
:'''Hal:''' I'll pour some more wine.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lois has just picked up a paralyzed Hal from the hospital and brought him home, concerning the boys.]''
:'''Malcolm''': What's wrong with him?
:'''Lois''': The doctors call it Hysterical Conversion Disorder. It's like a sematic. Apparently he's paralyzed from the waist up.
:'''Malcolm''': The waist up?!
:''[Lois is frustrated as Hal moves around, clearly in distress]''
:'''Reese''': Dad, what is it?
:''[Lois taps his head and he immediately calms down. He begins petting her leg with his foot.]''
:'''Dewey''': I think he's thanking you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Hal continues pretending to have Hysterical Conversion Disorder as he continues using his feet and rips off sheets of toilet paper]''
:'''Lois''': It's been four days, Hal. I tried to be patient, but this has gone one long enough. You have to snap out of it. Look I admit you've been resourceful and you've learned to do so many things. And the sex has been interesting.
:''[She walks in as Hal is now using his feet to put toothpaste on his to his toothbrush]''
:'''Lois''': But you can't go on living like this. Don't think I don't know what this is all about. You're trying to avoid making this decision. This isn't going to work and frankly this is beneath you. It's the coward's way out, Hal. You don't think I don't like a paralyzed vacation. Everyone waiting on me hand and foot. You know what? It doesn't work that way. You can't keep making up ridiculous illnesses to get out of what you don't want to do.
:''[sees Hal pulling out a long thread of dental floss to floss his teeth]''
:'''Lois''': Oh for God's sake. Do you have any idea how insane you're acting? I'm just glad your boys aren't here to see this.
:''[sees Hal raise his feet to floss his teeth]'''
:'''Lois''': Oh Hal, you changed Jamie's diapers with those feet. 
:''[she leaves disgusted]''

=== ''Tiki Lounge'' ===
:'''Hal''': We have to be home by 9:30. The babysitter said her halfway house goes into lockdown at 10:00.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': Mom, if you never made it to the store, then what are we eating?
:''[Everybody pauses and looks at Lois]''
:'''Lois''': I don't know, something from the fridge.

=== ''Ida loses a Leg'' ===
:''[Dewey tries to recover his grandmother's leg.]'' 
:'''Dewey''': ''[on the phone]'' Hello, Pathology? Yes, this is Judy Green from Dr. Weiss' office. I'm calling about the chop-and-drop he did Thursday on the old lady... Listen, Dr. Weiss thinks he may have left his wedding ring in that leg... He was pretty hammered... Yeah, ''again.'' So anyway, we need to get that leg out of there before the lawyers come around and do their Monday-morning quarterbacking. You know what instead of the usual place, why not send it to my house. I'll give you the address.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''':''[bringing Francis back when he tries to leave]'' Get back in here, we are not having this argument again.
:'''Ida''': Let him go. ''[about Dewey]'' It's the little one who owes me his life.
:'''Francis''': See? Even she thinks so.
:'''Lois''': Francis, everyone else in this family either has school or a job. So you're staying here and helping your grandmother.
:'''Ida''': I DON'T NEED HELP!!! Look at him, he's got nothing in between his legs and he manages.
:'''Francis''': If you think I'm beyond punching you, you're totally wrong.
:'''Ida''': Of course you'd hit a cripple. You couldn't get a white girl to marry you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lois is frustrated that Francis and Ida have continued fighting.]''
:'''Francis''': I don't care if knew the end of that Star Trek episode. I didn't and you ruined it. You can't let anyone be happy!
:'''Ida''': Shut up, Monkey! Anyone with half-a-brain could see the rocks were alive!!!

=== ''Chad's Sleepover'' ===
:'''Reese''': ''[to Malcolm]'' Oh my god, I'm as unpopular as you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pizza Guy''': ''[to Hal]'' Oh, wait. This was supposed to be 12336. ''[looks at Hal]'' I bet you feel like a jackass.

=== ''No Motorcycles'' ===
:''[Malcolm, Reese and Dewey are being menaced by a thug, but they don't know who he's after]''
:'''Dewey''': God, he looks mad. Which one of us do you think he wants?
:'''Malcolm''': Reese, it's obviously you. That must have been his bike you super-glued to the train tracks!
:'''Reese''': We don't know that! You were pretty fast and loose with that dog-crap slingshot the other day! How do you know you didn't hit him?
:'''Malcolm''': ''[looks at Dewey]'' What about ''you''? How many people did you convince to buy those algebra pills?
:'''Dewey''': You know, our lives would be a lot easier if we didn't all pull this crap at the same time!
:'''Reese''': I suggested a rotating calendar years ago and you guys ignored me. And here we are!

=== ''Butterflies'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': ''[slamming his head against a locker]'' At what age do you just accept that your life is a piece of rotten garbage and always will be?!
:'''Craig''': 22.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hal''': ''[on Reese's attachment to the caterpillars]'' Crap, I'm too late. You bonded with them, didn't you?! Well welcome to ''my'' world! Now you're stuck with feelings of unjustified love for a bunch of mindless, ungrateful eating machines! Ha, ha, see how ''you'' like it! At least yours'll be dead in a month.
:'''Reese''': Then I can keep them?
:'''Hal''': Throw them under the tarp with the old Playboys. And you'd better be a sullen jerk to me in front of your mother so she doesn't get wise!

=== ''Ida's Dance'' ===
:'''Lois''': ''[about Ida]'' She's lost her mind. She thinks she's back in her old village. I have to go up there.
:'''Hal''': Why?
:'''Lois''': Hal, she has one leg, she's demented, she could wander out on the freeway.
:'''Hal''': I thought we had agreed we'd take no extraordinary measures to prolong her life!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': Well, I'm finished. It's done. I almost gave up when I thought I burned the prunes, but I fell into this rhythm and just lost track of time. Next thing you know, it's done. It was a lot of work but you know something? It feels good.
:''[the old ladies wheel in a bigger tart on a metal rolling cart]''
:'''Lois''': What's that?
:'''Ludwina''': That's the real tart.
:'''Floransa''': You kept screwing up. We just knew it would be easier for everybody if we just made it ourselves.
:'''Lois''': But I worked for DAYS!
:'''Floransa:''' I'm sorry. I know you'd rather be at the disco, shaking your backside at a bunch of drug addicts.
:'''Lois''': Oh, you like St. Grotus Day? You like tarts? Well what are we waiting for? Let's celebrate! ''[jumps on both tarts while making noises]'' Well, maybe next time you'll think better before criticizing other people's desserts. ''[old ladies are shocked]''

=== ''Motivational Speaker'' ===
:'''Dewey''': Sorry I missed lunch. I was at the library and I forgot to look at the clock.
:'''Lois''': ''[interrupts]'' Do you think I'm an idiot?
:'''Dewey''': huh?
:'''Lois''': Do you think I don't know where you've been?
:'''Dewey''': What do you mean?
:'''Lois''': You think I wouldn't recognize the signs? Clean fingernails, good posture, cookie crumbs in your pockets – you're never hungry at dinnertime. You're seeing another mom.
:'''Dewey''': I don't know what you're talking about.
:'''Lois''': Don't lie to me!
:'''Dewey''': It's not what you think!
:'''Lois''': Who is she?
:'''Dewey''': Why does that matter?
:'''Lois''': Who is she?!
:'''Dewey''': Mrs. Finnegan.
:''[Lois looks away with a hurt look on her face]''
:'''Dewey''': It doesn't mean anything! A couple weeks ago I stopped by her house, and she had her iron out. She was just so nice. And there was cake!
:'''Lois''': It'll be a long time before you get any cake around here.
:'''Dewey''': I wasn't expecting any.
:'''Lois''': After everything I've sacrificed for you, all I've done – you come waltzing in here day after day reeking of her fabric softener!
:'''Dewey''': Yes! I like fabric softener! Mrs. Finnegan doesn't mind taking a little time to stop the rinse cycle, and maybe its nice to have someone that's got more to say to me than just &quot;Clean your room&quot;, &quot;comb your hair&quot;…
:'''Lois''': ''[pauses]'' Do you love her?!
:'''Dewey''': Of course not, it's just snacks.
:'''Lois''': Oh, you like her snacks. You like filling up on her cookies. You know they're store bought.
:'''Dewey''': That's beneath you, mom.

:'''Hal''': The question is will you be driving? Or just a passenger? Whenever you let somebody else drive, he might have errands to do. where do you think he will just stop.?

:'''guy 1''': The dry cleaner
:'''guy 2 ''': the drug store
:'''Hal''': where else? Tim?
:'''guy 3''': there's a place you can go  to have your shoes treated so they won't smell over time
:'''hal''': *writing down on whiteboard* so what do this all mean?
:'''hal''': (quitely) it means nothing.

=== ''Stilts'' ===
:'''Policeman''': Are these your boys?
:'''Hal''': You little monsters! How dare you get into trouble again? After all your mother does for you?

=== ''Buseys Take a Hostage'' ===
:'''Mr. Flerch''': ''': [after Chad bites his finger]''': Ow! Now it's a matter for the police
:'''Hanson''': Excuse me, Mr. Flerch?

&lt;hr widith=50%/&gt;
:'''Mr. Flerch''': ''[Removes his duct tape from his mouth with his struggles and exposes Mr. Jeffers, the school principal at Dewey's school.]'' It was all his idea! I was just his obedient stooge. He dangled assistant vice principal in front of me. ''[sobs]'' It came with parking.
:'''Dewey''': I wonder who would get the worst penalty, a bunch of emotionally disturbed kids who tie up people for a while. Or the trusted public servant who forced them into slavery. We could ask a judge or everyone could keep quiet about everything.
:'''Francis''': ''[untying the two janitors]'' Is that all right with you guys?
:''[One of the janitors, Jorge whispers in Spanish to the other janitor (who understands what he's talking about) in regards to both Mr. Flerch and the school principal.]''
:'''Janitor''': That depends. Can we get five minutes alone with these guys before you untie them?
:''[Mr. Jeffers and Mr. Flerch are concerned as Dewey smiles.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At the house, Lois is seen pissed off with Reese as she grabs the clothes to take into the boys' bedroom as Malcolm comes in with his basketball.]''
:'''Malcolm''': What's up with mom?
:'''Reese''': Mom saw my report card and I flunked all my classes.
:'''Malcolm''': What?
:'''Reese''': Every single one of my finals, I got all the questions wrong.
:'''Malcolm''': Oh my god.
:'''Reese''': ''[ecstatic]'' I know, now I get to repeat my senior year. Isn't this great? I've been working so hard on it. I'm gonna make sure I fail all my classes so I couldn't make it up in summer school. Now I don't have to move out, got to college or get a job for a whole another year. This is the greatest achievement of my life.
:''[Lois comes in completely mad at Reese more after hearing his confession]''
:'''Reese''': Yeah, I know, mom.
:''[Lois leaves and Reese is drinking his soda in excitement as Malcolm leaves.]''

=== ''Mrs. Tri-County'' ===
:'''Dewey''': We were just goofing around. I can't believe she took it seriously.
:'''Hal''': You're right, Dewey. Your mother actually believed her sons love her. What a moron!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hal''': It's going to be great. That's why I blocked out the next three hours to work with Dewey.
:'''Dewey''': Dad, I have homework!
:'''Hal''': Oh, just buy it from the guy Reese buys his from.

==Season 7==
=== ''Burning Man'' ===


:''[after Reese and Malcolm get caught at the middle of the night trying to sneak out to Burning Man]''

:'''Lois''': Hitchhiking?! Hitchhiking on the highway like hobos?!

&lt;hr width 50%&gt;
:''[After Malcolm inadvertently convinces Hal and Lois to go to Burning Man]''
:'''Lois''': What a great idea, Malcolm! ''[Reese glares at Malcolm]''
:'''Reese''': ''[sarcastically]'' Yeah, maybe next year, we can take Grandma to Mardi Gras!
:'''Malcolm''': You think I enjoy having powers I can't control?! Believe me, I'd much rather be as stupid as you are!
:'''Reese''': Don't try sucking up to me now!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hal''': Dewey, we are civilized people. We make arbitrary boundaries that we defend to the death.

=== ''Health Insurance'' ===
:'''Hal''': What's the matter with you boys? Don't you realize you could get killed?
:'''Reese''': Dad, I can't die.
:'''Hal''': What?
:'''Reese''': I'm seventeen.
:'''Hal''': And so you can't die?
:'''Reese''': I just don't see it happening.
:'''Hal''': I got news for you, Reese — seventeen-year-olds die all the time.
:'''Reese''': Come on, Dad, that's just something they tell you so you'll stay off drugs.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hal''': It's a very special moment when a father watches his boys lie to their mother for him. There's only one thing that could make me prouder: if one of you could saw off my leg.

=== ''Reese vs. Stevie'' ===
:''[Lois has just come home with groceries and is listening to an audio book of a novel. Later on as it got to the conclusion, Lois is eating some food in the car.]''
:'''Narrator''': Hello McKendrick I heard from behind. I spun around, but standing there was ....
:'''Reese''': ''[voice recording]'' a stupid housewife who wouldn't let her son buy nunchucks even though they're totally safe.
:'''Lois''': ''[Enraged]'' REEESE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lois walks in as Hal and Dewey are locked in battle over using each other's vices. Dewey is drinking coffee and Hal is smoking cigarettes]''
:'''Dewey''':''[Drinking Coffee]'' MMMMMM. Rich roasted goodness. Suddenly, I'm in a French café.
:'''Hal''':''[smoking a cigarette]'' Well I'm with two girls in a speedboat sucking down a smooth blend of fine tobaccos. Mmm.
:'''Lois''':''[Catches Hal smoking]'' HAL!
:'''Hal''':''[takes out his cigarette]'' Dewey's drinking coffee.
:''[He tries to get rid of the cigarette evidence by tossing it away. However to his dismay, Lois ignores Dewey for the moment. In her opinion, his drinking coffee doesn't equal to the type of punishment that she will inflict on Hal in breaking his promise by smoking in the house again.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': The Norvet Institute kicked Stevie out for unauthorized use of their equipment and Reese will be OK, but he's not allowed out of bed until he stops seeing four of everything. 
:''[Hal comes into the kitchen, carrying a trash bin to one of the air conditioner vents where he hides his cigarettes. Opening the vent, the cigarettes all cascade down into the bin. Hal then closes it and leaves.]''
:'''Malcolm''': ''[to the camera]'' Mom's making dad find the last of his old cigarettes and she's gonna make him eat any she finds in the morning so he's pretty motivated. The amazing thing is I got off scot-free.
:'''Lois''': Malcolm go change Reese's bedpan.
:'''Malcolm''': Hey, he's my brother.

=== ''Halloween'' ===
:'''Lois''': I cannot believe they called me into work. I requested Halloween off eight months ago, and suddenly, Mary Beth becomes a Wiccan so she can take it as a religious holiday.
:'''Hal''': There will be more Halloweens... barring some tragic event.
:'''Lois''':''[reminding Hal]'' But this is the good one, you know. There's such a tiny window where the kids are so sweet and adorable and you can dress them up however you want. ''[disgusted]'' Every year after that, Halloween's just another trip to the police station.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dewey''': Hey, you're right. The candy you steal off other kids really does taste better.
:'''Reese''': I'm telling you, it's the fear.

=== ''Jessica Stays Over'' ===
:'''Jessica''': Listen, Monday, I need you to get your mom out of the house for a couple of hours after school. Take her to a chick flick or something. You should enjoy that. 
:'''Malcolm''': What for? 
:'''Jessica''': My boyfriend's coming over and I'd like to have the house to ourselves, if you know what I mean. 
:'''Malcolm''': What?! 
:'''Jessica''': Oh, good, you do know what I mean. I wasn't sure with that whole &quot;chasm of loneliness&quot; crap. 
:'''Malcolm''': You can't hook up in my house! ''I've'' never hooked up in my house!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dewey holds up a jar of honey]''
:'''Dewey''': Is that a bee? 
:'''Hal''': That is how you know it's fresh. You won't find any bees in your store-bought honey, I'll tell you that much. 
:'''Dewey''': Where did this come from? 
:'''Hal''': Spoils of war, Dewey. You know that beehive in the tool shed I've been battling for months? Victory is mine. 
:'''Dewey''': You did it yourself? ''[Hal nods]''
:'''Dewey''': How'd you know how to do that? 
:'''Hal''': It's instinctual. You see, human beings were born with everything they need to destroy bees. Except the poison. You have to buy that. 
:'''Dewey''': I feel kind of sorry for the bees, though. 
:'''Hal''': It's survival of the fittest, Dewey. If they had won, they'd be spreading ''us'' on toast right now.

=== ''Secret Boyfriend'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': ''[bringing a soda]'' Here, I brought one for you. 
:'''Reese''': Thanks. And now I'll take yours because you obviously shook mine up. ''[Switches cans]'' Wait a minute! You wanted me to do that! ''[Switches cans again]'' Of course you had to have known I was going to know that! ''[Switches again]'' Unless you didn't think I was smart enough. But I'm smarter than... You know what? I'm not smart enough to figure it out! So what? Big deal! ''[Goes to fridge and opens a different can which is shaken and sprays him with soda as he screams]'' 
:'''Malcolm''': I'm not sure if I have the gift or he does.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': ''[about Reese]'' What are we going to do about him, Hal? He shows absolutely no interest in his future. 
:'''Hal''': I'm sorry, honey. I thought you had given up on him too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Reese is having a nightmare of himself in his 40s taking care of an elderly, obese and controlling Lois.]''
:'''Lois''': Reese! Reese, get in here quick! Do you hear me? What is the matter with you? Are you deaf? It's time for my sponge bath! You think these stomach folds will scrape themselves out.
:''[She tosses her bedsheets and Reese wakes up, screaming in terror. He quickly runs inside Hal and Lois' bedroom to confront his mother]''
:'''Reese''': I'm gonna get a job! I'm gonna get a life of my own away from here! And just in case I don't, you can clean out your own damn stomach folds.

=== ''Blackout'' ===

:'''Jamie''': ''[gasps and see Francis]'' Francis!

&lt;hr width 50%&gt;
:''[The house lights go out.]''
:'''Lois''': ''[in the shower]'' Hal!
:'''Hal''': I paid the bill! It's the whole neighborhood!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lois''':That stupid fish!

:'''Hal''': Malcolm!

:'''Malcolm''': Crap!

&lt;hr width 70%&gt;
:'''Hal''': You're here!
:'''Malcolm''': Kind of.
:'''Hal''': You lied to me! You're not drunk at all!
:'''Malcolm''': You said that if I called and said I was drunk, I would not get in trouble!
:'''Hal''': That only applies if you're actually drunk!

=== ''Army Buddy'' ===
:'''Reese''': You were right, Malcolm. She wants me bad. This is a disaster. 
:'''Malcolm''': Why? You've got a girl that's crazy about you. 
:'''Reese''': She's my buddy. The best friend I've ever had, but in a roll-around-on-the-floor-and-make-her-smell-my-armpit kind of way. 
:'''Malcolm''': Everyone has their own kind of foreplay. The important thing now is how you feel about her. 
:'''Reese''': It's hard to say. Now, when I think about her, I get all nervous in my stomach. Like my bowels could cut loose at any moment. 
:'''Malcolm''': That's love, dude. 
:'''Reese''': Wow. You'd think somebody would put that in a song.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Abby''': I have to confess, I'm a great admirer of yours, ma'am. 
:'''Lois''': Me? 
:'''Abby''': Yes, ma'am. Reese told me so many amazing stories about you. Is it true you once made him cut the front lawn with a pair of manicure scissors? 
:'''Lois''': I can't take all the credit for that. After all, he was the one who didn't refill the ice cube tray.

=== ''Malcolm Defends Reese'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': Tough break, Mr Herkabe.
:'''Mr. Herkabe''': ''[After realizing it was Malcolm who told Mr. Hodges]'' I know it was you, Malcolm and I wouldn't be so quick to gloat. I'm not defeated yet! I'm like Napoleon at St. Helena, plotting my return!
:'''Malcolm''': You mean Elba. He died on St Helena.
:'''Mr. Herkabe''': Oh, shut up! I have to call mother before she hears it from someone else.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hal''': Okay, what you need here is some sort of romantic gesture. 
:'''Dewey''': What do you mean? 
:'''Hal''': Just off the top of my head, you could send her a nice box of expensive chocolates. 
:'''Dewey''': I'm not sure. 
:'''Hal''': Too late. You already did. You just dropped off a big box on her front doorstep, rang the bell, and ran like hell. You also trampled some of her rose bushes. Congratulations, son. 

=== ''Malcolm's Money'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': ''[seeing his photo on the screen]'' What did you do to me?! I look like a freak!
:'''Earl''': Kid, that's you. That's what you look like.
:'''Malcolm''': I can't let my grandchildren see me like that! You have to fix it! Put on a special filter, or-or brighter lights... Please, you have to fix it.
:'''Earl''': Sorry, kid. That's the best I can do. I'm a yearbook photographer, not a magician.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Reese''': This is great. I never knew old people could be nice. I thought you were all wrinkled bags of skin babbling about how stuff used to cost less.
:'''Judith''': No, some are like that, but there's a few of us who still have some life left.

&lt;hr width 50%&gt;

:'''Hal''': Now, where's the rest of the money?

:'''Lois''': There isn't any.

:'''Dewey''': What?

:'''Hal''': You just spent 10.000$  on a stupid dollhouse?!

:'''Lois''': They wanted 12. But look,hal, it has a tiny little dumbwaiter and the lights really work.

=== ''Bride of Ida'' ===
:''[Reese and Malcolm are horrified to discover they're being left with Ida]''
:'''Reese''': What's Grandma doing here?!
:'''Malcolm:''' You never said Grandma was coming!
:'''Lois''': I didn't? Then it's just a nice surprise for you boys. Remember last month when you came in after curfew and said, &quot;What are you going to do about it&quot;? Sorry it took me so long to get back to you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Female Security Agent''': ''[to Lois]'' Ma'am, I need to touch your breasts.
:'''Lois''': You need to touch my what?
:'''Female Security Agent''': I'm required to probe with the back of my hand. If you like, you can request up to 2 female witnesses. ''[putting on rubber gloves]''
:'''Lois''': Let me understand this. Because I made a comment about first class, I am being singled out for a public feel-up?
:'''Dewey''': ''[yelling]'' Oh, for God's sake, Mom, just let her touch your boobs!
:'''Male Agent''': The kid makes a lot of sense, ma'am. Now do you want to do this the easy way or the hard way? ''[More security agents surround her as she becomes enraged]''
:''[Several minutes later, they wait for another flight]''
:'''Hal''': OK, the tickets are changed. The next flight leaves in 15 hours.
:'''Dewey''': So I get no time to practice and no sleep tonight!
:''[Lois makes an embarrassed smile]''

=== ''College Recruiters'' ===
:'''Hal''': Another college recruiter? When I was applying, believe me, there were no recruiters. If I hadn't found that ad inside that matchbook, I may never have pursued higher education!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Reese''': For your information, marriage isn't just about sex. It's about commitment. You know, we can't have sex until after the waiting period.
:'''Malcolm''': The waiting period?
:'''Reese''': Poor, naive Malcolm! All women, when they get married, require a waiting period from six months to a year.

=== ''Mono'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': This is so awesome. Mom and Dad just got back from the doctor's, and it turns out she has mono. She's been ordered to stay in bed for two weeks. After all those years of stepping on cracks, it finally paid off. I mean, it's no broken back, but I'll take it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Reese''': ''[at the computer]'' I can't wait until everyone at school finds out you got the kissing disease from mom, which will happen right about... ''[clicks a button on the computer's mouse]'' now.
:'''Malcolm''': I didn't kiss her; you saw it.
:'''Reese''': What I saw was you and Mom making out on the couch. Dewey?
:'''Dewey''': It was disgusting.
:'''Malcolm''': ''[frustrated]'' She licked her finger and touched my face!
:'''Reese''': Spare us the perv details.

=== ''Hal Grieves'' ===
:'''Reese''': Mom's the kind of crazy where she always yells at us. But Dad's the kind of crazy where he buys us an Xbox 360.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Reese''': You think Dad could really be doing this to buy our love?
:'''Dewey''': I guess.
:'''Reese''': I say we squeeze him for all he's got.
:'''Dewey''': It's the least we could do for him.

=== ''A.A.'' ===
:''[Lois and Hal are preparing to leave, and Lois stops to address the boys]''
:'''Lois:''' Before I forget...
:''[Lois picks up a vase on a table]''
:'''Lois:''' This is the one thing left in this house that I care about. I don't want to spend the next two days worrying about 'How will they break it,' 'Where will they hide the pieces,' 'How will they lie about it when I come home?' So...
:''[Lois drops and breaks the vase as the boys look on]''
:'''Lois:''' There. Now I can relax.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': Reese, we have access to a car with no adult supervision. We can do whatever we want, and if we get caught? They'd blame Mom and Dad for being absentee parents. This is the perfect crime.
:'''Dewey''': I was thinking we could drive to the arcade.
:'''Reese''': Arcade? What are you, 12?
:'''Dewey''': Yeah.

=== ''Lois Strikes Back'' ===
:'''Lois''': Are you trying to calm me down?
:'''Hal''': No. I just don't think it leads anywhere good when you get like this.
:'''Lois''': ''[quietly]'' Get like what?
:'''Hal''': Well... you know.
:'''Lois''': No, I don't know. How is it I get?
:'''Hal''': Well...
:'''Lois''': If I have a problem, I would love for you to explain it to me. ''[pause; Lois continues glaring at Hal]''
:'''Hal''': You know what, honey? This seems like a-a much longer conversation, and it just so happens that I am right in the middle of a project in the garage.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': I've been a terrible mother.
:'''Reese''': It's okay, Mom. I've known that for a long time.

=== ''Hal's Dentist'' ===
:'''Reese''': Mom, you might not know this, but I used to be afraid of a lot of things. Thunder, frogs, mailboxes...
:'''Lois''': You were afraid of mailboxes?
:'''Reese''': I used to imagine that if I stuck my hand in a mailbox, it would slam shut and rip my hand off. But I had something conquer my fear by ripping the lid off every mailbox in the neighborhood! I turned that fear into hate!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Reese''': Oh, it's too hard? Well, why didn't you say so? When things get tough, you got to just give up and run away from your dreams. Lower your expectations. That's fine. I've had my fun. If you want to quit, go ahead and quit.
:'''Lois''': All right, Reese, you made your point. Let's give it a try.
:'''Reese''': No, I was really saying quit.

=== ''Bomb Shelter'' ===
:'''Dewey''': What if we do everything on his &quot;To Do&quot; board and then let him out?
:'''Reese''': That's brilliant. He couldn't be mad at us if we did all this for him. He's got stuff on here that he's been meaning to do for years. ''[reads note]'' &quot;Change Dewey's diaper.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': Turns out, I'm naturally talented at science and dancing. Two things that are guaranteed to get me beat up.

=== ''Stevie in the Hospital'' ===
:'''Clerk''':  Can I help you find something?
:'''Malcolm''': Yeah, do you have any cards that don't say &quot;Get well&quot;?
:'''Clerk''': This is a hospital. Usually, we're rooting for the patient.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Reese''': Did you know how hard it was to get this job? Everywhere else I applied called my references. Thank God telemarketing has no standards. Basically, I get to harass old people and shut-ins all day. I'm getting paid to do what I love.

=== ''Cattle Court'' ===
:'''Lois''': Okay, this is the only universe this could possible exist in. I'm 90 years old. Hal is dead. I have dementia and I need someone to keep me from catching on fire. There's no money for a nurse, my sons won't do it, and I'm asleep for 22 hours a day. Then, and only then, maybe we could be together.
:'''Craig''': It's like you're reading straight out of my diary.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': I am so happy. I'm sneaking out to a concert Friday night while Mom works the late shift. The band sucks, but I have backstage passes. And if that's even one billionth as insane as I've always imagined it, I could die happy.

=== ''Morp'' ===
:'''Lois''': That was a good thing you did, son.
:'''Dewey''': Thanks.
:'''Lois''': Enjoy the cake. That's the last thing you're going to eat in a long time that hasn't been dipped in sardine juice. ''[Dewey looks shocked while Lois takes a picture]'' Hey! Finally, a picture for your memory book. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': ''[as everyone leaves to go to the prom while leaving the morp]'' You can't just let them say &quot;I'm sorry&quot; after 12 years of treating us like crap! Wait a minute. they never even said, &quot;sorry!&quot; This is a trap! These are the same people who made fun of your clothes all through school, and laughed at your haircuts, and called you Malcolm-Balcolm! You'll be sorry!
:'''Naked Guy''': ''[goes up to Malcolm]'' Finally, now we've got some breathing room in here.
:''[Malcolm looks disgusted]''

=== ''Graduation'' ===
:'''Piama''': Lois, I really think he's gonna do it this time! You gotta stop him! ''[Francis storms in and seizes a poker from the fireplace]''
:'''Francis''': There you are! I drove by eighty miles of blunt objects just to get to you! I HOPE YOU RUN!
:'''Ida''': You better make that first swing count, princess!
:''[While Francis attempts to stab his grandma]''
:'''Lois''': Hal... 
:'''Hal''': Right. ''[Calming down Francis]'' Son. Don't feel bad. In some parallel universe you did it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Cleaning up after the explosion of Reese's giant stinkbomb]''
:'''Malcolm''': ''[furious]'' You know what? I'm glad. This is appropriate! Now my life looks ''exactly'' how I feel! How could you screw me over like that?!
:'''Lois''': Because you were going to take that job, and we are not going to let you throw your life away!
:'''Malcolm''': ''How'' is being rich throwing my life away?!
:'''Lois''': Because it's not the life you're supposed to have! The life you're supposed to have is you go to Harvard, and you earn every fellowship and internship they have! You graduate first in your class and you start working in public service- either district attorney or running some foundation- and then you become Governor of a mid-size state and then you become President.
:'''Malcolm''': What?!
:'''Lois''': Of the United States.
:'''Malcolm''': Dad...!
:'''Hal''': I'm sorry, son. It's true. ''[Malcolm looks at his brothers, who all nod in agreement]''
:'''Francis''': Thought you knew.
:'''Hal''': Our expectations started out much smaller, but you just kept upping the ante.
:'''Malcolm''': What if I don't want to be President?!
:'''Lois''': It's too late for that, you're gonna do it!
:'''Malcolm''': ''[sarcastic]'' Really?! Have you decided my position of capital gains tax cuts?! What are my foreign policy objectives?!
:'''Lois''': That doesn't matter. What ''does'' matters is that you will be the only person in that position who will ''ever'' give a crap about people like us! We've been getting the short end of the stick for thousands of years and I, for one, am sick of it! Now you are going to be President, mister, and that's the end of it!
:'''Malcolm''': Did it ever occur to you that I could have taken this job, gotten really rich and bought my way into being President?!
:'''Lois''': Of course it did. We decided against it.
:'''Malcolm''': WHAT?!
:'''Lois''': Because then you wouldn't be a good President. You wouldn't have suffered enough.
:'''Malcolm''': ''I've been suffering '''all my life!'''''
:'''Lois''': I'm sorry, but it's not enough. You know what it's like to be poor and you know what it's like to work hard. Now you're going to learn what it's like to sweep floors and bust your ass and accomplish twice as much as all the kids around you. And it won't mean anything because they will still look down on you, and you will want so much for them to like you and they just won't. And that'll break your heart, and that'll make your heart bigger and open your eyes, and ''finally'' you will realize that there's more to life than proving you're the smartest person in the world! I'm sorry, Malcolm, but you don't get the easy path. You don't get to just have fun and be rich and live the life of luxury.
:'''Hal''': That's Dewey.
:'''Dewey''': ''[gleeful]'' Really?
:'''Malcolm''': This is unbelievable! You actually ''expect'' me to become President?! No, no, I'm sorry- you expect me to be one of the greatest Presidents in the history of the United States!
:'''Lois''': You look me in the eye and tell me you can't do it. ''[Malcolm can only stand in silence]''

== Cast ==
* [[w:Frankie Muniz|Frankie Muniz]] - Malcolm
* [[w:Jane Kaczmarek|Jane Kaczmarek]] - Lois
* [[w:Bryan Cranston|Bryan Cranston]] - Hal
* [[w:Justin Berfield|Justin Berfield]] - Reese
* [[w:Erik Per Sullivan|Erik Per Sullivan]] - Dewey
* [[w:Christopher Kennedy Masterson|Christopher Kennedy Masterson]] - Francis
* [[w:James Rodriguez|James Rodriguez]] and [[w:Lukas Rodriguez|Lukas Rodriguez]] - Jamie
* [[w:Craig Lamar Traylor|Craig Lamar Traylor]] - Stevie Kenarban
* [[w:David Anthony Higgins|David Anthony Higgins]] - Craig Feldspar
* [[w:Emy Coligado|Emy Coligado]] - Piama Tananahaakna 
* [[w:Eric Nenninger|Eric Nenninger]] - Eric Hanson
* [[w:Daniel von Bargen|Daniel von Bargen]] - Commandant Edwin Spangler
* [[Cloris Leachman]] - Grandma Ida

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|0212671|Malcolm in the Middle}}
* [http://www.malcolminthemiddle.co.uk/ Malcolm In The Middle Voting Community]

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      <text bytes="64558" xml:space="preserve">In [[political science|political]] and [[social science]]s, '''{{w|communism}}''' (from [[Latin]] ''communis'', &quot;common, universal&quot;) is the [[philosophical]], [[social]], [[political]], and [[economic]] [[ideology]] and movement whose ultimate [[goal]] is the establishment of the [[communist society]], which is a {{w|socioeconomic}} order structured upon the {{w|common ownership}} of the [[means of production]] and the absence of [[social class]]es, [[money]], and the [[W:state (polity)|state]]. Communism includes a variety of {{w|schools of thought}}, which broadly include [[Marxism]], [[anarchism]] ({{w|anarchist communism}}), and the [[W:Ideology#Political ideologies|political ideologies]] grouped around both. All these share the analysis that the current [[order of society]] stems from its [[economic system]], [[capitalism]], that in this [[system]], there are two major social classes: the [[proletariat|working class]]—who must work to survive, and who make up the majority within society—and the [[bourgeoisie|capitalist class]]—a minority who derives [[profit]] from employing the working class, through private ownership of the means of production—and that [[class conflict|conflict between these two classes]] will trigger a [[w:Communist revolution|revolution]]. The revolution, in turn, will establish {{w|social ownership}} of the means of production, which is, according to this analysis, the primary element in the [[w:Social transformation|transformation of society]] towards communism.
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha}}
==A==
* '''Dogbert''': Hey [[Gorbachev|Gorby]], did you hear this quote ... &quot;Communism is the most painful path between capitalism and capitalism.&quot;
** [[Scott Adams]], Dogbert making a prank call to the [[w:Kremlin|Kremlin]], [https://dilbert.com/strip/1989-12-12 ''Dilbert''], Tuesday December 12, 1989

* To be a Communist is to be a partisan and artisan of Marxism-Leninist philosophy: of dialectical materialism.
**[[Louis Althusser]], &quot;Philosophy as a Revolutionary Weapon&quot;

* Στον καπιταλισμό οι κουμουνιστές είναι πάντα καλύτεροι.
** '''In capitalism, communists are always better.'''
**[[Adonis Georgiadis]] about the way the Communist Party of Greece handles money (12 May 2018)

* There is nothing else in Communism — a [[Jewish]] conspiracy to grab the whole world in their clutches; and no intelligent man in the world can find anything else, except the [[Jews]], who rightly call it for themselves a “paradise on earth”. Jews are eager to bring Communism, because they know what it is and what it means. It is because Communism has not been fought for what it really is — a Jewish scheme invented by Jews — that it has progressed against all opposition to it. We have fought the smoke-screen presented by Jewish dialecticians and publicists, refusing to fight the inventor, profiteer and string-puller. Because Christians and Gentiles have come to fear the Jews, fear the truth, and they are paralyzed by the paradoxical slogans shouted by the Jews.
** [[Adrien Arcand]], New York Speech, October 30, 1937. See ''[https://books.google.com.br/books?id=t_RtAAAAMAAJ The Jews]'' by Zuhdī Fātiḥ, 1972

*There are some of our own people who still think that the Communists are the left wing of the Socialist movement. They are not. The Socialist movement was a movement for [[freedom]] in its widest sense. From the point of view of freedom, Communists are on the [[w:Far-right politics|extreme right]]—more reactionary than some of the old tyrannies which we knew in the past. What is the thing for which we fight, for which the men with whom we feel the stir of sympathy throughout the ages have fought? Freedom. But that fight changes from age to age and the freedom that some men fought for may turn out to be tyranny. Communists, concentrating solely on the economic aspects of freedom...have produced the ghastly travesty of Socialism in the lands behind the [[w:Iron Curtain|iron curtain]].
**[[Clement Attlee]], speech in Glasgow (10 April 1949), quoted in ''The Times'' (11 April 1949), p. 4

*Socialism was the only means of freeing the world from war and poverty. Socialism stood as a third alternative to a barbaric Communism and capitalism in a state of decay. Communism was a falsification of the principles of Socialism.
**[[Clement Attlee]], speech to the Swedish Social Democratic Party congress in Stockholm (5 June 1952), quoted in ''The Times'' (6 June 1952), p. 5

* [[W:Communism in Russia|Russian Communism]] is the illegitimate child of [[Karl Marx]] and [[Catherine the Great]].
** [[Clement Attlee]], as quoted in ''The Observer'' (1956)

*If communism ever reestablishes itself successfully upon earth, it must be on a foundation of soul's brotherhood and the death of egoism. A forced association and a mechanical comradeship would end in a world-wide fiasco.
**[[Sri Aurobindo]], quoted from [[Sri Aurobindo]], Nahar, S., Aurobindo, ., &amp; Institut de recherches évolutives (Paris). ''India's rebirth: A selection from Sri Aurobindo's writing, talks and speeches.'' Paris: Institut de Recherches Evolutives. 3rd Edition (2000). [https://web.archive.org/web/20170826004028/http://bharatvani.org/books/ir/IR_frontpage.htm Chapter II]

* We are talking here about the future: about the lives of people in the world without wars, without social oppression, without national inequality, without suppression of human’s abilities. In other word, it is about the future that we all call Communism. 
** [[Andrei Tarkovsky]], [https://varjag2007su.livejournal.com/2591915.html ''Letter to the central committee of the CPSU (Communist Party of Soviet Union)''] (20 October 1970).

==B==
* Communism is Judaism. The Jewish Revolution in Russia was in 1918.
** [[Henry Hamilton Beamish]]. See ''[https://books.google.com.br/books?id=R1XkAgAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PT261 War and Debt: The Culling of Humanity]'' by Mark Edwards, Xlibris, 2014

*My generation of Communists everywhere accepted the [[w:Stalinism|Stalinist]] form of leadership. We acquiesced in the crimes. That is true not only of Soviet Communists, but of Communists all over the world. We, especially the active and leading members of the Party, carry a stain on our consciences individually and collectively. The only way we can erase it is to make sure that nothing of the sort ever happens again. How was all this possible? Did we all go crazy, or have we now become traitors to Communism? The truth is that all of us, including the leaders directly under [[Joseph Stalin|Stalin]], saw these crimes as the opposite of what they were. We believed that they were important contributions to the victory of [[socialism]]. We thought everything that promoted the power politics of the Communist Party in the Soviet Union and in the world was good for socialism. We never suspected that conflict between Communist politics and Communist ethics was possible. 
**[[w:Joseph Berger-Barzilai|Joseph Berger-Barzilai]], ''Shipwreck of a Generation: The Memoirs of Joseph Berger'' (1971), p. 247

*The Communist Party is the sworn inveterate enemy of the Socialist and Democratic Parties. When it associates with them, it does so as a preliminary to destroying them. There is an old German aphorism which says: &quot;To cast an enemy out it is first necessary to embrace him.&quot; That is what the Communists mean when they ask for co-operation and alliance with the Socialists... The Communist does not look upon a Socialist as an ally in a common cause. He looks upon him as a dupe, as a temporary convenience, and as something to be thrust ruthlessly to one side when he has served his purpose.
**[[Aneurin Bevan]], 'Foreword' to [[Denis Healey]], ''The Curtain Falls: The Story of the Socialists in Eastern Europe'' (1951), p. 6

* The specific kind of [[w:Anti-communism|anti-communism]] that took shape in these years was partly based on value judgements: the widespread belief in the United States that communism was simply a bad system, or morally repugnant even when effective. But it was also based on a number of assertions about the nature of Soviet-led international communism. There was a widespread belief that Stalin wanted to invade Western Europe. It became accepted as fact that the Soviets were pushing for revolution worldwide, and that whenever communists were present, even in small numbers, they probably had secret plans to overthrow the government. And it was considered gospel that anywhere communists were acting, they were doing so on the orders of the Soviet Union, part of a monolithic global conspiracy to destroy the West. Most of this was simply untrue. Much of the rest was greatly exaggerated. 
**[[w:Vincent Bevins|Vincent Bevins]], ''[[w:The Jakarta Method|The Jakarta Method: Washington's Anticommunist Crusade and the Mass Murder Program that Shaped Our World]]'', [[w:PublicAffairs|PublicAffairs]], 2020. pp. 15-16

* From the outset in 1917, the Communists believed in a utopian ideology, extreme, organised violence, atheism, a redefined place of the individual that served to reject Enlightenment precepts, and the rejection of preceding Russian history. During the Civil War and the 1920s, the Orthodox Church was crushed, with the slaughter of tens of thousands of priests and monks, and the desecration and destruction of churches, monasteries and the tombs of saints. The real and spiritual landscapes of Russia and the psychological life of the people were transformed as a consequence. Communism in its own way therefore constituted a major civilisational challenge to the notion in Europe and North America of a 'Western Civilisation', whether or not articulated explicitly in this fashion. This civilisation owed much to Christianity and placed considerable weight on liberalism and toleration. From this perspective, Communism, drawing both on a reconceptualisation of Russian authoritarianism and on a new, totalitarian ideology and practice, posed a counter-civilisational challenge with its own precepts, aims, methods and anticipated outcomes.
**[[Jeremy Black (historian)|Jeremy Black]], ''The Cold War: A Military History'', 2015

* I'm about as much in favor of communism as J. Edgar Hoover. I despise communism and I believe in our own American brand of democracy.
** [[Humphrey Bogart]], ''[http://www.oldmagazinearticles.com/1948-Humphrey_Bogart_on_Hollywood_Blacklist_editorial_pdf I'm No Communist]'', [[w:Photoplay|Photoplay]], March 1948, p. 53

==C==
*In Brazil, it goes like this: communists only read communist authors, (economic) liberals only read liberal authors and so on. Each one is afraid of tarnishing their little soul with sinful thoughts. In order for someone to speak with some propriety about the communist movement, they must have previously studied the following things:

# The classics of [[Marxism]]: [[Marx]], [[Engels]], [[Lenin]], [[Stalin]], [[Mao Zedong]].
# The most important Marxist philosophers: [[Lukács]], {{w|Karl Korsch|Korsch}}, [[Gramsci]], [[Adorno]], [[Horkheimer]], [[Marcuse]], [[Henri Lefebvre|Lefebvre]], [[Althusser]].
# ''{{w|Main Currents of Marxism}}'', by [[Leszek Kolakowski]].
# Some good history and sociology books about the revolutionary movement in general, such as ''{{w|Fire in the Minds of Men}}'', by {{w|James H. Billington}}, ''{{w|The Pursuit of the Millenium}}'', by {{w|Norman Cohn}}, ''{{w|The New Science of Politics}}'', by [[Eric Voegelin]].
# Good books on the history of communist regimes written from a non-apologetic point of view.
# Books by the most famous critics of Marxism, like {{w|Eugen von Böhm-Bawerk}}, [[Ludwig von Mises]], [[Raymond Aron]], [[Roger Scruton]], {{w|Nicolai Berdiaev}} and so many others.
# Books about the communist strategy and tactics on their rise to power, about the underground activities of the movement in the West and chiefly about the &quot;{{w|active measures}}&quot; ({{w|disinformation}}, {{w|agents of influence}}), like those by {{w|Anatolyi Golitsyn}}, {{w|Christopher Andrew}}, {{w|John Earl Haynes}}, {{w|Ladislaw Bittman}}, {{w|Diana West}}.
# The largest number possible of testimonies by former communist agents and militants who recall their experience in service of the movement or communist governments, such as [[Arthur Koestler]], {{w|Ian Valtin}}, {{w|Ion Mihai Pacepa}}, [[Whittaker Chambers]], [[David Horowitz]].
# High-value testimonies about human condition in socialist societies, like those by {{w|Guillermo Cabrera Infante}}, {{w|Vladimir Bukovski}}, {{w|Nadiejda Mandelstam}}, {{w|Alexander Soljenítsin}}, [[Richard Wurmbrand]].
:This is a reading program that can be accomplished in four or five years by a good student. I do not know, either in the Brazilian right or left, anyone, absolutely anyone, who has accomplished it.
:: [[Olavo de Carvalho]], in [https://olavodecarvalho.org/estudar-antes-de-falar/ Estudar antes de falar], ''Diário do Comércio'', 13 August 2013

* When I feed the hungry, they call me a saint. When I ask why people are hungry, they call me a Communist.
** [[w:Hélder Câmara|Dom Helder Camara]], [[Brazil]]ian archbishop, as quoted in ''Peace Behind Bars : A Peacemaking Priest's Journal from Jail'' (1995) by John Dear, p. 65; this is a translation of &quot;''Quando dou comida aos pobres chamam-me de santo. Quando pergunto por que eles são pobres chamam-me de comunista.''&quot;
** Variant translations: 
** When I give food to the poor, they call me a saint. When I ask why are they poor, they call me a Communist.
** When I give food to the poor, they call me a saint. When I ask why the poor have no food, they call me a Communist.

* &lt;p&gt;[[Nikita Khrushchev|Khrushchev’s]] revelations concerning [[Stalin]] are enough to have plunged all those who have participated in communist activity, to whatever degree, into an abyss of shock, pain, and shame (or, at least, I hope so).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;The dead, the tortured, the executed—no, neither posthumous rehabilitations, nor national funerals, nor official speeches can overcome them. These are not the kind of ghosts that one can ward off with a mechanical phrase.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;From now on, they will show up as watermarks in the very substance of the system.&lt;/p&gt;
** [[Aimé Césaire]], Letter to [[w:Maurice Thorez |Maurice Thorez]]resigning from the French Communist Party, October 24, 1956, as translated by Chike Jeffers

* The details supplied by Khrushchev on Stalin’s methods ... lead us to believe in the existence in these countries of a veritable [[state capitalism]], exploiting the working class in a manner not very different from the way the working class is used in capitalist countries.
** [[Aimé Césaire]], Letter to [[w:Maurice Thorez |Maurice Thorez]] resigning from the French Communist Party, October 24, 1956, as translated by Chike Jeffers

* Across the world academics still clung to the words and ideas of [[Karl Marx|Marx]] and [[Friedrich Engels|Engels]] and even [[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]]. Fools. There were even those who said that Communism had been tried in the wrong country; that Russia had been too far backward to make those wonderful ideas work.
** [[Tom Clancy|Thomas L. Clancy]], as quoted in ''[[Rainbow Six (novel)|Rainbow Six]]'' (1998), p. 515

*[M]any archives and witnesses prove conclusively that [[terror]] has always been one of the basic ingredients of modern Communism. Let us abandon once and for all the idea that the execution of hostages by firing squads, the slaughter of rebellious workers, and the forced starvation of the peasantry were only short-term &quot;accidents&quot; peculiar to a specific country or era. Our approach will encompass all geographic areas and focus on [[crime]] as a defining characteristic of the Communist system throughout its existence. 
**[[w:Stéphane Courtois|Stéphane Courtois]], 'Introduction: The Crimes of Communism', ''[[w:The Black Book of Communism|The Black Book of Communism]]'' (1999), p. 3

*[T]he intransigent facts demonstrate that Communist regimes have victimized approximately 100 million people in contrast to the approximately 25 million victims of the [[Nazism|Nazis]]. This clear record should provide at least some basis for assessing the similarity between the Nazi regime, which since 1945 has been considered the most viciously criminal regime of this century, and the Communist system... The methods implemented by [[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] and perfected by [[Joseph Stalin|Stalin]] and their henchmen bring to mind the methods used by the Nazis, but most often this is because the latter adopted the techniques developed by the former. [[Rudolf Hess]], charged with organizing the camp at [[w:Auschwitz concentration camp|Auschwitz]] and later appointed its commandant, is a perfect example: &quot;The [[w:Reich Security Main Office|Reich Security Head Office]] issued to the commandants a full collection of reports in great detail the conditions in, and organization of, the Russian camps, as supplied by former prisoners who had managed to escape. Great emphasis was placed on the fact that the Russians, by their massive employment of forced labor, had destroyed whole peoples.&quot;
**[[w:Stéphane Courtois|Stéphane Courtois]], 'Introduction: The Crimes of Communism', ''[[w:The Black Book of Communism|The Black Book of Communism]]'' (1999), p. 15

*Time and again the focus of the terror was less on targeted individuals than on groups of people. The purpose of terror was to exterminate a group that had been designated as the enemy. Even though it might be only a small fraction of society, it had to be stamped out to satisfy this [[Genocide|genocidal]] impulse. Thus, the techniques of segregation and exclusion employed in a &quot;class-based totalitarianism&quot; closely resemble the techniques of &quot;race-based totalitarianism.&quot; The future Nazi society was to be built upon a &quot;pure race,&quot; and the future Communist society was to be built upon a proletarian people purified of the dregs of the bourgeoisie. The restructuring of these two societies was envisioned in the same way, even if the crackdowns were different. 
**[[w:Stéphane Courtois|Stéphane Courtois]], 'Introduction: The Crimes of Communism', ''[[w:The Black Book of Communism|The Black Book of Communism]]'' (1999), p. 16

==D==
* I am a communist because I am convinced that the reason we have been forcefully compelled to eke out an existence at the very lowest level of American society has to do with the nature of capitalism. If we are going to rise out of our oppression, our poverty, if we are going to cease being the targets of the racist-minded mentality of racist policemen, we will have to destroy the American capitalist system. We will have to obliterate a system in which a few wealthy capitalists are guaranteed the privilege of becoming richer and richer, whereas the people who are forced to work for the rich, and especially Black people, never take any significant step forward.
** [[Angela Y. Davis]], &quot;I am a Revolutionary Black Woman&quot; (1970) in ''Let Nobody Turn Us Around: Voices of Resistance, Reform, and Renewal'' (2000), p. 483

* The Right positions communism as a threat because communism names the defeat of and alternative to capitalism. It recognizes the crisis in capitalism: over-accumulation leaves the rich sitting on piles of cash they can't invest; industrial capacity remains unused and workers unemployed; global interconnections make unneeded skyscrapers, fiber-optic cables, malls, and housing developments as much a part of China as the US. At the same time, scores of significant problems – whether food shortages linked to climate change, energy shortages resulting from oil dependency, or drug shortages resulting from the failure of private pharmaceutical companies to risk their own capital – remain unmet because they require the kinds of large-scale planning and cooperation that capitalism, particularly in its contemporary finance and communications-driven incarnation, subverts.
** [[Jodi Dean]], ''The Communist Horizon'' (2012), pp. 51-52

* The US right calls everything it doesn’t like 'communist'. They call [[Bill Clinton|Clinton]] and [[Barack Obama|Obama]] 'communists'. With 'communist' as the go-to name for anything that isn't {{w|Right-wing politics|right wing}}, its acceptability increases. If you don't like the right, you're a communist.
** [[Jodi Dean]], quoted in &quot;[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/communism-millennials-capitalism-socialism-bernie-sanders-cold-war-yougov-a9188116.html More than a third of millennials approve of communism, YouGov poll indicates]&quot;, ''{{w|The Independent}}'' (7 November 2019)

* Let me examine the alleged &quot;distinction from capitalism&quot; characteristic of the [[Soviet Union]] and see whether it isn't a distinction from a certain stage of capitalism rather than from capitalism as a whole. The determining factor in analyzing the class nature of a society is not whether the means of production are the private property of the capitalist class or are state-owned, but whether the means of production ... are monopolized and alienated from the direct producers. The Soviet Government occupies in relation to the whole economic system the position which a capitalist occupies in relation to a single enterprise. ... &quot;Bureaucratic state socialism&quot; is an irrational expression behind which there exists the real economic relation of [[State capitalism|state-capitalist]]-[[Exploitation|exploiter]] to the propertyless exploited. 
** [[Raya Dunayevskaya]], &quot;The Union of Soviet Socialist Republics is a Capitalist Society&quot; (1941), in ''Russia: From Proletarian Revolution to State-Capitalist Counter-Revolution'', p. 210

* The reason i am a communist is because I believe in a total [[revolution]] which is going to overthrow the capitalist control of the economy, which will seize the wealth from all of the giant corporations that exploit and control the lives of all working people.
** [[Angela Y. Davis]], from an [https://www.facebook.com/Redfishstream/videos/184844339473961/ interview].

==E==
* What is a communist? &lt;/br&gt;One who hath yearnings &lt;/br&gt;For equal division of unequal earnings.
** {{w|Ebenezer Elliott}} (1781-1849), ''Epigram'', in ''Poetical Works'', vol. 2, p. 202

* '''Communism is the doctrine of the conditions of the liberation of the proletariat.'''
** [[Friedrich Engels]], ''The Principles of Communism'' (1847)

* The abolition of private property is, doubtless, the shortest and most significant way to characterize the [[Proletarian revolution|revolution]] in the whole [[social order]] which has been made necessary by the development of industry – and for this reason it is rightly advanced by communists as their main demand.
** [[Friedrich Engels]], ''{{w|Principles of Communism}}'' (1847) [https://www.marxists.org/archive/marx/works/1847/11/prin-com.htm]]

* What will be the attitude of communism to existing nationalities? The nationalities of the peoples associating themselves in accordance with the principle of community will be compelled to mingle with each other as a result of this association and thereby to dissolve themselves, just as the various estate and class distinctions must disappear through the abolition of their basis, private property.
** [[Friedrich Engels]], ''{{w|Principles of Communism}}'' (1847) [https://www.marxists.org/archive/marx/works/1847/11/prin-com.htm]]

* All [[religions]] so far have been the expression of [[W:Marx's theory of history|historical stages of development]] of individual peoples or groups of peoples. But communism is the stage of historical development which makes all existing religions superfluous and brings about their disappearance.
** [[Friedrich Engels]], ''{{w|Principles of Communism}}'' (1847) [https://www.marxists.org/archive/marx/works/1847/11/prin-com.htm]]

* Some propose mere [[welfare]] measures – while others come forward with grandiose systems of reform which, under the pretense of re-organizing society, are in fact intended to [[preserve]] the foundations, and hence the life, of existing society. Communists must unremittingly struggle against these bourgeois socialists because they work for the [[enemies]] of communists and protect the society which communists aim to overthrow.
** [[Friedrich Engels]], ''{{w|Principles of Communism}}'' (1847) [https://www.marxists.org/archive/marx/works/1847/11/prin-com.htm]]

* Since the communists cannot enter upon the decisive struggle between themselves and the bourgeoisie until the bourgeoisie is in power, it follows that it is in the interest of the communists to help the bourgeoisie to power as soon as possible in order the sooner to be able to overthrow it.
** [[Friedrich Engels]], ''{{w|Principles of Communism}}'' (1847) [https://www.marxists.org/archive/marx/works/1847/11/prin-com.htm]]

==G==
*It must be admitted that ''politically'' communism is the same [as [[fascism]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt;.
**[[Hugh Gaitskell]], Notes for a speech on Fascism at Chatham on May Day 1935, quoted in Philip Williams, ''Hugh Gaitskell: A Political Biography'' (1979), p. 44

* There is not so much difference between the ideologies of capitalism and communism, you know. The difference is simple. Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man, and communism is the reverse.
** [[w:John Gardner (thriller writer)|John Gardner]], ''The Man from Barbarossa''

* When both sides engaged in terror, the &quot;[[w:Red Terror (disambiguation)|red]]&quot; terror usually paled in comparison to the &quot;[[w:White Terror|white]]&quot; (as was the case in the [[w:Paris Commune|Paris Commune in 1871]]; the civil wars in [[w:Russian Civil War|Russia]], [[w:German Revolution of 1918–1919|Germany]] and [[w:Hungarian Soviet Republic|Hungary]] from 1918 to 1921; the [[w:Spanish Civil War|Spanish Civil War of 1936–39]]; and [[w:Indonesian mass killings of 1965–66|Indonesia in 1965–1966]]). 
** [[w:Christian Gerlach|Christian Gerlach]], ''The Palgrave Handbook of Anti-Communist Persecutions'', {{w|Palgrave Macmillan}} (2020)

* What better time to resurrect the spectre of communism? As youth across the world become increasingly disenchanted with the savage inequalities of capitalism, defenders of the status quo will stop at nothing to convince younger voters about the evils of collectivist ideas. They will rewrite history textbooks, build memorials, and declare days of commemoration for the victims of communism – all to ensure that calls for social justice or redistribution are forever equated with forced labour camps and famine.
** [[Kristen Ghodsee]] and {{w|Scott Sehon}}, &quot;[https://aeon.co/essays/the-merits-of-taking-an-anti-anti-communism-stance Anti-anti-communism]&quot;, ''{{w|Aeon (digital magazine)|Aeon}}'' (March 22, 2018).

* The Frankenstein of Communism is the product of the [[Jews|Jewish]] mind, and was turned loose upon the world by the son of a Rabbi, [[Karl Marx]], in the hopes of destroying Christian civilization — as well as others. The testimony given before the Senate of the [[United States]] which is take from the many pages of the Overman Report, reveals beyond a shadow of a doubt that Jewish bankers financed the [[Russian Revolution]].
** [[Kenneth Goff]], ''[https://www.google.com.br/books/edition/Still_tis_Our_Ancient_Foe/GiXhHAAACAAJ Still 'tis Our Ancient Foe]'', 1962, p. 99

*In order to massacre them, it was necessary to proclaim that [[w:Kulaks|kulaks]] are not human beings. Just as the Germans proclaimed that Jews are not human beings. Thus did [[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] and [[Joseph Stalin|Stalin]]: kulaks are not human beings... That is exactly how the Nazis put the Jewish children into the Nazi gas chambers: &quot;You are not allowed to live, you are all Jews!&quot;
**[[Vasily Grossman]], ''Forever Flowing'' (1973), pp. 144, 155

==H==
* Communism is a specter called forth when those in power feel their grip erode. 
** [[Gerald Horne]], [https://www.peoplesworld.org/article/historians-challenge-false-narrative-behind-st-louis-victims-of-communism-resolution/ Historians challenge false narrative behind St. Louis ‘Victims of Communism’ resolution]. ''{{w|People's World}}'' (November 25, 2020)

==J==
[[File:CLR James Cropped.png|thumb|By a remorseless logic, ... representation of the proletariat turns into its opposite, administration over the proletariat. ~ [[C. L. R. James]]]]
* Today, from end to end of the world, men know that democracy is bankrupt. What is to take its place they do not know. The alternative seems to be [[w:Communist state|planned economy and one-party state]]. This is ''the'' philosophical question. But the philosophy of [[planned economy]] and {{w|one-party state}} is distinguishable from that of the [[w:Marx's theory of the state#Bourgeois state|bourgeoisie]] only by its more complete [[rationalism]]. The labor bureaucracy in power or out of it sees the solution to the crisis of production in scientific progress, greater output. It consciously seeks to plan and organize the division of labor as the means to further [[accumulation of capital]]. In ideology it is ready to expropriate those representatives of [[private property]] who stand in the way of this complete rationalization. But didn’t this bureaucracy develop out of the working class? It did and it could only have developed out of the working class. It is a product of the modern mass movement, created by the [[w:Capital accumulation#Concentration and centralization|centralization of capital]], and holds its position only because of this movement. At the same time it cannot conceive the necessity for abolishing the [[division of labor]] in [[Mode of production|production]], the only solution to the [[w:Crisis theory|crisis]] in production. By a remorseless logic, therefore, [[Dictatorship of the proletariat|representation of the proletariat]] turns into its opposite, [[w:Nomenklatura|administration over the proletariat]]. The end of bourgeois rationalism is this crisis of the revolution and {{w|counter-revolution}} in production.
** [[C. L. R. James]], ''[https://www.marxists.org/archive/james-clr/works/1950/08/state-capitalism.htm State Capitalism and World Revolution]'' (1950), ''{{w|Marxists Internet Archive}}.''

* Communism was a very defective answer to some very good questions. In throwing out the bad answer, we have forgotten the good questions. I want to put the good questions back on the table.
** [[Tony Judt]], quoted in Evan R. Goldstein, &quot;The Trials of Tony Judt&quot;, ''The Chronicle of Higher Education'' (January 06, 2010)

==K==
* I’m more and more convinced it’s only through communism that we can become human.
**[[Frida Kahlo]], in her letter from US, during the 1930s, from [https://www.wsws.org/en/articles/2010/09/kah2-s11.html]

* Communism is like an autoimmune disorder; it doesn't do the killing itself, but it weakens the system so much that the victim is left helpless and unable to fight off anything else.
**[[Garry Kasparov]], ''Winter is Coming'' (2015), p. 33

* World communism is like a malignant parasite which feeds only on diseased tissue.
**[[w:George Kennan|George Kennan]], &quot;[[w:Long Telegram|Long Telegram]]&quot; (February 1946)

* The Communists are determined to destroy us, and regardless of what hand of friendship we may hold out or what arguments we may put up, the only thing that will make that decisive difference is the strength of the United States.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], Speech by Senator John F. Kennedy, Democratic Rally, George Washington High School Stadium, Alexandria, VA, August 24, 1960. - The American Presidency Project.

* There are many people in the world who really don't understand, or say they don't, what is the great issue between the free world and the Communist world. Let them come to Berlin. There are some who say that communism is the wave of the future. Let them come to Berlin. And there are some who say in Europe and elsewhere we can work with the Communists. Let them come to Berlin. And there are even a few who say that it is true that communism is an evil system, but it permits us to make economic progress. Lass' sie nach Berlin kommen. Let them come to Berlin.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [http://www.jfklibrary.org/Historical+Resources/Archives/Reference+Desk/Speeches/JFK/003POF03BerlinWall06261963.htm Speech in Berlin]; see also the [http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Ich_bin_ein_Berliner Ich bin ein Berliner Speech] at Wikisource.

* Communism has sometimes succeeded as a scavenger, but never as a leader. It has never come to power in a country that was not disrupted by war or corruption, or both.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], Speech at NATO Headquarters, Naples Italy (2 July 1963)

* Communism is based on an ethical relativism and a metaphysical materialism that no Christian can accept.
**[[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], [http://mlk-kpp01.stanford.edu/index.php/encyclopedia/documentsentry/doc_pauls_letter_to_american_christians/ ''Paul's Letter to American Christians''] (4 November 1956).

* Communism forgets that life is individual. Capitalism forgets that life is social, and the kingdom of brotherhood is found neither in the thesis of communism nor the antithesis of capitalism but in a higher synthesis. It is found in a higher synthesis that combines the truths of both. 
**[[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], &quot;Where Do We Go from Here: Chaos or Community?&quot; (1967)

* In the social equation, the value of a single life is nil; in the cosmic equation, it is infinite... Not only communism, but any political movement which implicitly relies on purely utilitarian ethics, must become a victim to the same fatal error. It is a fallacy as naïve as a mathematical teaser, and yet its consequences lead straight to Goya's Disasters, to the reign of the guillotine, the torture chambers of the Inquisition, or the cellars of the [[w:Lubyanka (KGB)|Lubianka]].
** [[Arthur Koestler]], ''{{w|The Invisible Writing}}''.

*In [[Russia]], all you have to do to get a house is to be born in the [[Soviet Union]]. You are entitled to housing. In [[United States|America]], if you don't have a dollar you have a right to choose between sleeping in a house or on the pavement. Yet you say we are the slave to communism.
**[[Nikita Khrushchev]], [http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/the-kitchen-debate/ ''The Kitchen Debate''] (1959).

*Communism was a gigantic façade, and the reality concealed behind it was the sheer drive for power, for total power as an end in itself. The rest was merely instrumental -- a matter of tactics and some necessary self-restrictions to achieve the desired end. But the façade was more than mere decoration:  it was communism's only means of survival; its respiratory system. It was also the ineradicable residue of the tradition of the Enlightenment and nineteenth-century socialism, of which communism was indeed a deformed descendant. As with all descendants, however deformed, some inherited traits are always visible, and in communism, too, these were evident. The rationalism, contempt for tradition, and hatred for the mythological layer of culture to which the Enlightenment gave birth developed, under communism, into the brutal persecution of religion, but also into the principle (practiced rather than directly expressed) that human beings are expendable: that individual lives count only as instruments of the 'greater whole' or the 'higher cause,' i.e. the state, for no rational grounds exist for attributing to them any special, non-instrumental status. Thus rationalism was transformed under communism into the idea of slavery. And romantic and early socialist strains -- the search for lost community and human solidarity, the protest against social disintegration caused by the industrial revolution and urbanization -- developed, under communism, into caricature:  solidarity imposed by force, in an attempt to create a fake, merely ostensible unity -- the unity of despotism.
**[[w:Leszek Kołakowski|Leszek Kołakowski]], &quot;Communism as a Cultural Force&quot;, as quoted in ''Is God Happy? Selected Essays'' (2013), Basic Books, pp. 36-37

* [[Anarchy]] leads to Communism, and Communism to Anarchy, both alike being expressions of the predominant tendency in modern societies, the pursuit of [[equality]].
** [[Peter Kropotkin]], [https://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/petr-kropotkin-the-conquest-of-bread| The Conquest of Bread]

== L ==
* As a result of this failure of communist ideology to comprehend the nature of man, Stalin decided to alter the Russian constitution. No longer would economic rewards be distributed on the basis of ‘need’; rather, the new concept was to be ‘to each according to his ''work''.’
** Quote from ''The Fundamentals of Liberty'' by [[Robert LeFevre]], Santa Ana: CA, Rampart Institute, 1988, p. 402

*For the state to wither away completely, complete communism is necessary.
**[[Vladimir Lenin]], ''State and Revolution''

*'''We Communists are all dead men on leave.''' Of this I am fully aware. I do not know if you will extend my leave or whether I will have to join Karl Liebkneccht and [[Rosa Luxemburg]]. In any case I wait your verdict with composure and serenity. 
**Eugen Lévin, ''Verso Book of Dissent''

* There are certain types of people who are political out of a kind of religious reason [...] I think it's fairly common among socialists: They are, in fact, God-seekers, looking for the kingdom of God on earth. A lot of religious reformers have been like that, too. It's the same psychological set, trying to abolish the present in favor of some better future — always taking it for granted that there is a better future. If you don't believe in heaven, then you believe in socialism. When I was in my real Communist phase, I and the people around me really believed — but, of course, this makes us certifiable — that something like 10 years after World War II, the world would be Communist and perfect.
**[[Doris Lessing]], as quoted in [http://www.nytimes.com/books/99/01/10/specials/lessing-space.html &quot;Doris Lessing on Feminism, Communism and Space Fiction&quot;] (25 July 1982), Lesley Hazelton, New York Times Book Review

==M ==

*The tragedy of Korea is further heightened by the fact that its military action is confined to its territorial limits. It condemns that nation, which it is our purpose to save, to suffer the devastating impact of full naval and air bombardment while the enemy's sanctuaries are fully protected from such attack and devastation. Of the nations of the world, Korea alone, up to now, is the sole one which has risked its all against communism. The magnificence of the courage and fortitude of the Korean people defies description. They have chosen to risk [[death]] rather than [[slavery]]. Their last words to me were: 'Don't scuttle the Pacific!'
**[[Douglas MacArthur]], as quoted in [http://www.americanrhetoric.com/speeches/douglasmacarthurfarewelladdress.htm farewell address to a Joint Session of Congress] (19 April 1951).

* '''The cause of Communism is the greatest cause in the history of mankind''' becasuse it seeks to remove from society all forms of oppression and exploitation, to liberate mankind and to ensure peace and prosperity to all.
** [[Nelson Mandela]], &quot;How to be a good Communist&quot;, ''[https://books.google.it/books?id=sSg8AQAAMAAJ&amp;pg=RA3-PA37&amp;lpg=RA3-PA37&amp;dq=%22The+cause+of+Communism+is+the+greatest+cause+in+the+history+of+mankind%22&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=0bsJuDrtfQ&amp;sig=ACfU3U1CGMZisxwpPoD8hsPtgoKRe0SlNg&amp;hl=it&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=2ahUKEwiPkcSehoTsAhUJDuwKHWNuAR4Q6AEwCXoECAEQAQ#v=onepage&amp;q=%22The%20cause%20of%20Communism%20is%20the%20greatest%20cause%20in%20the%20history%20of%20mankind%22 United States Congressional Serial Set, Edition 13677],'' (1986), p. 37 

* '''Communism is for us not a state of affairs which is to be established, an ideal to which reality [will] have to adjust itself. We call communism the real movement which abolishes the present state of things. The conditions of this movement result from the premises now in existence.'''
** [[Karl Marx]] and [[Friedrich Engels]], ''{{w|The German Ideology}}'' (1845/46) Vol. I, Part 1. [http://www.marxists.org/archive/marx/works/1845/german-ideology/index.htm]

* '''Communism differs from all previous movements in that it overturns the basis of all earlier relations of production and intercourse, and for the first time consciously treats all natural premises as the creatures of hitherto existing men, strips them of their natural character and subjugates them to the power of the united individuals.''' Its organisation is, therefore, essentially economic, the material production of the conditions of this unity; it turns existing conditions into conditions of unity. '''The reality, which communism is creating, is precisely the true basis for rendering it impossible that anything should exist independently of individuals, insofar as reality is only a product of the preceding intercourse of individuals themselves.'''
** [[Karl Marx]] and [[Friedrich Engels]], ''{{w|The German Ideology}}'' (1845/46) Vol. I, Part 4. [http://www.marxists.org/archive/marx/works/1845/german-ideology/index.htm]

* '''A spectre is haunting Europe; the spectre of Communism.'''
** [[Karl Marx]] and [[Friedrich Engels]] ''{{w|The Communist Manifesto}}'' (1848), Preamble, paragraph 1, line 1. [http://www.marxists.org/archive/marx/works/1848/communist-manifesto/ch01.htm#060]

* '''The theory of Communism may be summed up in the single sentence: Abolition of private property.'''
** [[Karl Marx]] and [[Friedrich Engels]] ''{{w|The Communist Manifesto}}'' (1848), Section 2, paragraph 13. [http://www.marxists.org/archive/marx/works/1848/communist-manifesto/ch01.htm#060]

* Communism deprives no man of the power to appropriate the products of society; all that it does is to deprive him of the power to subjugate the labour of others by means of such appropriation.
** [[Karl Marx]] and [[Friedrich Engels]] ''{{w|The Communist Manifesto}}'' (1848), Section 2, paragraph 30. [http://www.marxists.org/archive/marx/works/1848/communist-manifesto/ch01.htm#060]

* The Communists disdain to conceal their views and aims. They openly declare that their ends can be attained only by the forcible overthrow of all existing social conditions. Let the ruling classes tremble at a Communistic revolution. '''The proletarians have nothing to lose but their chains. They have a world to win.&lt;br&gt; [[w:Workers of the world, unite!|WORKING MEN OF ALL COUNTRIES, UNITE!]]'''
** [[Karl Marx]] and [[Friedrich Engels]] ''{{w|The Communist Manifesto}}'' (1848), Section 4, paragraph 11 (last paragraph) [http://www.marxists.org/archive/marx/works/1848/communist-manifesto/ch01.htm#060]
** Variant translation: '''Workers of the world, unite!'''

* It destroys the conditions for the existence of class antagonism, destroys classes in general, and thereby also its domination as a class. 
**[[Karl Marx]], as Quoted in Simply Philosophy [https://simplyphilosophy.org/study/communism-definition/]

* The trouble with Communism is the Communists, just as the trouble with Christianity is the Christians. They really do not believe in it and hence are hypocrites. All of them pant for money and hope to collar it by changing the rules. This fundamental false pretense colors their whole propaganda. They have no more sense of honor than so many congressmen and engage constantly in wholesale lying.
** [[H. L. Mencken]], ''Mr. Mencken Sounds Off,'' in ''[[w:Life (magazine)|Life]],'' August 5, 1946, p. 51

* The chief weakness of Communism is that it is, itself, only another breed of the same materialism which is the source and root of all the evils which it so clearly sees, and it is evidently nothing but another product of the breakdown of the capitalist system. Indeed, it seems to be pieced together out of the ruins of the same ideology that once went into the vast, amorphous, intellectual structure underlying capitalism in the nineteenth century.
** [[Thomas Merton]], ''[[w:The Seven Storey Mountain|The Seven Storey Mountain]]'' (1948), pp. 149-150

* But to make the comparison applicable, we must compare Communism at its best, with the regime of individual property, not as it is, but as it might be made... The laws of property have never yet conformed to the principles on which the justification of [[private property]] rests. 
** [[J. S. Mill]], ''Principles of Political Economy'' p. 14

* &lt;p&gt;If the roused and insurgent consumers secure the means of production of the salt industry, in all probability they will confiscate this industry for their own profit, and their first thought will be, not to relegate it to free competition, but rather to exploit it, ''in common'', for their own account.&amp;nbsp; They will then name a director or a directive committee to operate the saltworks, to whom they will allocate the funds necessary to defray the costs of salt production.&amp;nbsp; Then, since the experience of the past will have made them suspicious and distrustful, since they will be afraid that the director named by them will seize production for his own benefit, and simply reconstitute by open or hidden means the old monopoly for his own profit, they will elect delegates, representatives entrusted with appropriating the funds &lt;!--Page 32--&gt; necessary for production, with watching over their use, and with making sure that the salt produced is equally distributed to those entitled to it.&amp;nbsp; The production of salt will be organized in this manner.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''This form of the organization of production has been named communism.'''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;When this organization is applied to a single commodity, the communism is said to be partial.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;When it is applied to all commodities, the communism is said to be complete.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''But whether communism is partial or complete, [[political economy]] is no more tolerant of it than it is of [[monopoly]], of which it is merely an extension.'''&lt;/p&gt;
**[[Gustave de Molinari]], tr. J.&amp;nbsp;Huston McCulloch, [[s:The Production of Security/5|§V]] of ''[[The Production of Security]]'' (Auburn, AL: Ludwig von Mises Institute, 2009; orig. 1849), [[s:Page:The Production of Security.pdf/32|pp. 31]]–[[s:Page:The Production of Security.pdf/33|32]].

* When ecclesiastic love waned, when waves of capitalistic greed surged across Christian Europe, when starving masses cried out bitterly in the slums, the promise of their salvation came not from heaven but from the earth. Its name was communism. Christianity, though it professed the love of God, had degenerated into a dead body of clergy trailing empty slogans. It was then only natural that a banner of rebellion would be raised, arguing that a merciless God who would allow such suffering could not exist. Hence, modern materialism was born. Western society became a hotbed of materialism; it was the fertile soil in which communism flourished.
** [[Sun Myung Moon]], [http://web.archive.org/20090829185555/www.geocities.com/unificationism/DivinePrinciple-intro.html ''Divine Principle'', Introduction]

* Nonetheless, one final and inescapable conflict remains before us, the war between democracy and communism. Although each side has equipped itself with fearsome weapons and is pitted against the other in readiness for battle, the core of their conflict is internal and ideological. Which side will triumph in this final ideological conflict? Anyone who believes in the reality of God will surely answer that democracy will win.
** [[Sun Myung Moon]], [http://web.archive.org/20090829185555/www.geocities.com/unificationism/DivinePrinciple-intro.html ''Divine Principle'', Introduction]

* After 7,000 biblical years — 6,000 years of restoration history plus the millennium, the time of completion — communism will fall in its 70th year. Here is the meaning of the year 1978. Communism, begun in 1917, could maintain itself approximately 60 years and reach its peak. So 1978 is the border line and afterward communism will decline; in the 70th year it will be altogether ruined. This is true. Therefore, now is the time for people who are studying communism to abandon it.
** [[Sun Myung Moon]], [http://www.tparents.org/Moon-Books/sm-gww/GWW-07.htm ''The Way of Restoration''], (April, 1972)

* Governments and Parties which have relied on the normal instruments of government ... have fallen easy and ignoble victims to the forces of anarchy. If, therefore, such a situation arises in Britain, we shall prepare to meet the anarchy of Communism with the organised force of [[Fascism]]. 
** [[Oswald Mosley]], ''The Greater Britain'', 1932. Quoted in John Stevenson and Chris Cook, ''The Slump : Britain in the Great Depression''  New York : Pearson Longman, 2010.

* What is Communism? It is that when you have eaten enough food for your hunger and still food is left — it belongs to another man.
** {{w|AR Murugadoss}}, in ''{{w|Kaththi}}'' (2014)

==N==
* America continues to aid us; then we continue to fight the communists.
** {{w|Nguyễn Văn Thiệu}}, as quoted in ''Vietnam, the Ten Thousand Day War'' (1984), by Michael MacLear.
**Original Vietnamese quote: ''Mỹ còn viện trợ, thì chúng tôi còn chống cộng!''

*Don't listen to what communists say, instead look closely at what the communists do! 
** {{w|Nguyễn Văn Thiệu}}, as quoted in [http://vietbao.com/D_1-2_2-67_4-211493_5-15_6-1_17-8128_14-2_15-2/ &quot;ĐÚNG! Đừng Nghe Những Gì CS Nói, Mà Hãy Nhìn Những Gì CS Làm!&quot;] (26 July 2013), by Tuổi Trẻ Yêu Nước, ''Viet Bao'' (2013). Also quoted in [http://www.vietcatholic.net/News/Html/111904.htm &quot;Cứu trợ nạn nhân là nghĩa vụ pháp lý và đạo đức&quot;], by Hà Minh Thảo, ''TTX Công Giáo Việt Nam''. 
**Original Vietnamese quote: ''Đừng nghe những gì Cộng sản nói, mà hãy nhìn kỷ những gì Cộng sản làm!''

==O==
*Philosophically, Communism and [[Anarchism]] are poles apart. Practically - i.e. in the form of society aimed at - the difference is mainly one of emphasis, but it is quite irreconcilable. The Communist's emphasis is always on centralism and efficiency, the Anarchists's on liberty and equality. 
**[[George Orwell]], ''Homage to Catalonia''

==P==

* The system of production developed in Russia is State socialism. It is organized production, with the State as universal employer, master of the entire production apparatus. The workers are master of the means of production no more than under Western capitalism. They receive their wages and are exploited by the State as the only mammoth capitalist. So the name [[State capitalism]] can be applied with precisely the same meaning. The entirety of the ruling and leading bureaucracy of officials is the actual owner of the factories, the possessing class. 
** [[Antonie Pannekoek]], ''Workers Councils'' (1947), Section 2.5

* The overthrow of communism gave a green light to the unbridled exploitative impulses of Western corporate interests. No longer needing to convince workers that they live better than their counterparts in Russia, and no longer constrained by a competing system, the corporate class is rolling back the many gains that working people in the West have won over the years. Now that the free market, in its meanest form, is emerging triumphant in the East, so will it prevail in the West.
**[[Michael Parenti]], ''Blackshirts and Reds: Rational Fascism and the Overthrow of Communism. '' (1997), p. 58

*Having never understood the role that existing communist powers played in tempering the worst impulses of Western capitalism and imperialism, and having perceived communism as nothing but an unmitigated evil, the left anticommunists did not anticipate the losses that were to come. Some of them still don't get it.
**[[Michael Parenti]], ''Blackshirts and Reds: Rational Fascism and the Overthrow of Communism. '' (1997), p. 58

* Perhaps communism may even have been a viable solution to the problems of the unequal distribution of wealth that characterized the industrial age, if all of the hypothetically oppressed were [[good]] people and all of the [[evil]] was to be found, as hypothesized, in their ''[[bourgeoisie]]'' overlords. Unfortunately for the communists, a substantial proportion of the oppressed were incapable, unconscientious, unintelligent, licentious, power mad, violent, resentful, and jealous, while a substantial proportion of the oppressors were educated, able, creative, intelligent, honest, and caring.
** [[Jordan Peterson]], ''[[Beyond Order]]'' (2021), p. 167

* I think that communism was a major force for violence for more than 100 years, because it was built into its ideology—that progress comes through class struggle, often violent. It led to the widespread belief that the only way to achieve justice was to hurry this dialectical process along, and allow the oppressed working classes to carry out their struggle against their bourgeois oppressors.
** [[Steven Pinker]], [http://www.economist.com/blogs/prospero/2011/11/qa-steven-pinker-0 &quot;The violent dangers of ideology&quot;], ''The Economist'' (2011)

==R==
* Long live the Communist Party, and partisans! Fight, people, for your freedom! Do not surrender to the evildoers! I will be killed, but there are those who will avenge me!
** [[Lepa Radić]], her last words, as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=z4MNAAAAIAAJ&amp;q=%22Lepa+Radic,+whom+they+condemned+to+death+by+hanging%22&amp;dq=%22Lepa+Radic,+whom+they+condemned+to+death+by+hanging Women of Yugoslavia in the National Liberation War]

* Such terms as communism, socialism, Fabianism, the welfare state, Nazism, fascism, state interventionism, egalitarianism, the planned economy, the New Deal, the Fair Deal, the New Republicanism, the New Frontier are simply different labels for much the same thing.
** [[Leonard E. Read]], [https://cdn.mises.org/Elements%20of%20Libertarian%20Leadership_2.pdf Elements of Libertarian Leadership] (1962), pp 62-63

* I have one question for those rulers: If communism is the wave of the future, why do you still need walls to keep people in and armies of secret police to keep them quiet?
** [[Ronald Reagan]] speech (1983)

* [Cold war demonology] is a color word, and I probably should not have used it. It means just sort of interpreting everything in terms of a great communist conspiracy and in terms of communists being supermen who somehow can overcome the great problems of differences between national units, and so on. They are not supermen at all. They are men with feet of clay which extend almost all the way up to their brains.
** {{w|Edwin O. Reischauer}}, former U.S. ambassador to Japan, testimony at hearing, January 31, 1967. Asia, the Pacific, and the United States, hearing before the Committee on Foreign Relations, United States Senate, 90th Congress, 1st session, p. 19 (1967).

* Seventy years ago people used to die for this idea [communism] [...], in Turin the members of the Communist Party, during the Resistance, had to endure 8 hours of torture. [Fascists] would pull your eyes out with teaspoons, they'd rip your nails out with tweezers. And you had to stay silent for eight hours, and only after that you were allowed to confess and give the names of your comrades, and that was a Party guideline, to ensure the comrades' flight in those eight hours. Those men and women died for this idea. And what's politics today? They must be rolling in their own grave, can't you see that?
** [[Marco Rizzo]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OWwf3FEePSM&amp;feature=youtu.be&amp;t=1686 Video], 16 February 2013

* Communism is like [[w:prohibition|prohibition]], it's a good idea but it won't work.
** [[Will Rogers]], ''The Autobiography of Will Rogers'' (1949)

* The hopes which inspire communism are, in the main, as admirable as those instilled by the Sermon on the Mount, but they are held as fanatically and are as likely to do as much harm.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''The Practice and Theory of Bolshevism'' (1920), Part I, The Present Condition of Russia, Ch. 1: What Is Hoped From Bolshevism.

* The way to combat Communism is not war. What is needed in addition to such armaments as will deter Communists from attacking the West, is a diminution of the grounds for discontent in the less prosperous parts of the non-communist world. ...'''Communism is a doctrine bred of poverty, hatred and strife.''' Its spread can only be arrested by diminishing the area of poverty and hatred.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Portraits From Memory And Other Essays'' (1956), p. 232

* I think all the great religions of the world - Buddhism, Hinduism, Christianity, Islam and Communism – both untrue and harmful.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''My Religious Reminiscences'' (1957) reprinted in ''The Basic Writings of Bertrand Russell''

* I dislike Communism because it is undemocratic, and capitalism because it favors exploitation.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Unarmed Victory'' (1963), p. 14

* {{w|Better red than dead}}.
**[[Bertrand Russel]], attributes this phrase to 'West German friends of peace' but adopted this slogan for the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament he helped found, quoted in {{cite book | url=http://books.google.com/books?id=c4UoX6-Sv1AC&amp;pg=PA49 | title=Safire's Political Dictionary | publisher=[[w:Oxford University Press|Oxford University Press]] | author=[[William Safire]] | year=2008 | pages=49–50}}.

==S==
* Communism, including its first phase (socialism), is an ideology based on destroying harmony among social classes and eliminating traditional beliefs and moral values.
** The Society of Classical Poets, [https://classicalpoets.org/submissionguidelines/ Submission Guidelines]

*&quot;That's [[Mao Zedong|Mao]].&quot;&lt;br&gt;&quot;Do people still respect him?&quot;&lt;br&gt;&quot;The government pays lip service to his memory, but the hero worship of past eras is over.&quot;&lt;br&gt;&quot;And what about the ordinary people?&quot;&lt;br&gt;&quot;The so-called proletariat?&quot;&lt;br&gt;&quot;Yup.&quot;&lt;br&gt;&quot;They've found another god to follow.&quot;&lt;br&gt;&quot;[[Xi Jinping]]?&quot;&lt;br&gt;&quot;[[Money]].&quot;
**[[Shamini Flint]], ''[[w:Inspector Singh Investigates: A Calamitous Chinese Killing|Inspector Singh Investigates: A Calamitous Chinese Killing]]''

*The Communists are Jews, and Russia is being entirely administered by them. They are in every government office, bureau and newspaper. They are driving out the Russians and are responsible for the anti-Semitic feeling which is increasing.
**[[Clare Sheridan]], ''The New York World'', Dec. 15, 1923. See ''[https://books.google.com.br/books?id=zKFBPKa8vxoC&amp;pg=PA27 The Secret World Government Or &quot;The Hidden Hand&quot;: The Unrevealed in History]'' by Count Cherep-Spiridovich, p. 27

*What struck me most about the Russian Communists, even in such really exceptional personalities as Lenin and Trotsky, was their utter incapacity to be fair in discussing opinions that conflicted with their own. The adversary, simply for daring to contradict, at once became a traitor, an opportunist, a hireling. ''An adversary in good faith'' is inconceivable to the Russian Communists. What an aberration of conscience this is, for so-called materialists and rationalists absolutely in their polemics to uphold the primacy of morals over intelligence! To find a comparable infatuation one has to go back to the Inquisition.
**[[Ignazio Silone]], in ''The God That Failed'', Crossman, Richard, ed. (1963). New York, NY: Harper &amp; Row. p. 108.

* Communism is as crude an attempt to explain society and the individual as if a surgeon were to perform his delicate operations with a meat-axe. All that is subtle in human psychology and in the structure of society (which is even more delicate) all of this is reduced to crude economic processes. This whole created being - man - is reduced to matter. It's characteristic that Communism is so devoid of arguments that it has none to advance against its opponents in our Communist countries. It lacks arguments and hence there is the club, the prison, the concentration camp, and insane asylums with forced confinement.
**[[Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn]], ''Warning to the West'' (1975)

==T==
*The history of Communism, originally inspired by noble ideals, clearly illustrates what happens when people attempt to change external reality – create a new earth – without any prior change in their inner reality, their state of [[consciousness]]. They make plans without taking into account the blueprint for dysfunction that every human being carries within: the [[ego]].
**[[Eckhart Tolle]] in [https://www.apnamba.com/Ebooks-pdf/A%20new%20Earth.pdf ''A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose,'']  (2005)

*A citizen of a Western democracy fondly imagines that [[totalitarianism]] lies utterly beyond the pale of normal human aspirations. And yet, totalitarianism could never have survived so long had it not been able to draw so many people into its fold. There is something else—it is a formidably efficient machine. Communist ideology offers an idealised model for society and exhorts us toward it. The desire to change the world in the name of an ideal is, after all, an essential characteristic of human identity... Furthermore, Communist society strips the individual of his responsibilities. It is always &quot;somebody else&quot; who makes the decisions.  Remember, individual responsibility can feel like a crushing burden... The attraction of a totalitarian system, which has had a powerful allure for many, has its roots in a fear of freedom and responsibility.  This explains the popularity of authoritarian regimes (which is [[Erich Fromm]]'s thesis in ''Escape from Freedom''). None of this is new; [[Boethius]] had the right idea long ago when he spoke of &quot;voluntary servitude.&quot;
**[[Tzvetan Todorov]], ''L'homme dépaysé'' (1996), p. 36

==W==
* It was in prison that we found the hope of salvation for the Communists. It was there that we developed a sense of responsibility toward them. It was in being tortured by them that we learned to love them.
** [[Richard Wurmbrand]], ''Tortured For Christ'', p. 58 (1967).

* Some tell me &quot;Preach the pure gospel!&quot; This reminds me that the Communist secret police also told me to preach Christ, but not to mention communism. Is it really so, that those who are for what is called &quot;a pure gospel&quot; are inspired by the same spirit as those of the Communist secret police?
** [[Richard Wurmbrand]], ''Tortured For Christ'', p. 75 (1967).

==Y==
* There has been a considerable penetration of the ranks of [[Jewry]] by Communism, and Jewry in turn has come to wield a considerable power in the Communist Party.
** [[Avrahm Yarmolinsky]] in ''[https://books.google.com.br/books?id=ktkSAAAAIAAJ The Menorah Journal]'' New York, July 1928, p. 37

==Z==

* The biggest threat to America today is not communism. It's moving America toward a [[Fascism|fascist]] theocracy, and everything that's happened during the [[Ronald Reagan|Reagan]] administration is steering us right down that pipe … I really think that. …  When you have a government that prefers a certain moral code derived from a certain religion and that moral code turns into legislation to suit one certain religious point of view, and if that code happens to be very, very right wing, almost toward [[w:Attila|Attila]] the Hun...
** [[Frank Zappa]], ''Crossfire'' debate on censorship (1986).

* We communists are like seeds and the people are the soil. Wherever we go, we must unite with the people, take root and blossom among them.
** [[Mao Zedong]], ''Quotations from Chairman Mao Zedong (The Little Red Book)'' (1964).

*To white Americans of the thirties, however, blacks North and South were invisible. Only the radicals made an attempt to break the racial barriers: Socialists, Trotskyists, Communists most of all. 
**Howard Zinn, ''A Peoples History of The United States''

* The perversion of Stalinist Communism consists in the fact that the view by means of which the Party looks at history coincides immediately with history's gaze upon itself. To use good old Stalinist jargon, today already half-forgotten, Communists act immediately in the name of &quot;objective laws of historical progress&quot;; it is history itself, its necessity, that speaks through their mouths.
** [[Slavoj Žižek]], ''Looking Awry: An Introduction to Jacques Lacan through Popular Culture'', p. 22. &lt;small&gt;{{ISBN|026274015X}}&lt;/small&gt;

==See also==
* [[Bolsheviks]]
* [[Capitalism]]
* [[Democratic socialism]]
* [[Dictatorship of the proletariat]]
* [[Karl Marx]]
* [[Marxism]]
* [[Socialism]]
* [[State capitalism]]
* [[:Category:Communists]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{wiktionary|communism}}
{{wikisource portal}}

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'''''[[w:Angel (1999 TV series)|Angel]]''''' (1999&amp;ndash;2004) was an American TV show, created by [[Joss Whedon]] and [[w:David Greenwalt|David Greenwalt]] and airing on [[w:The WB|The WB]], about the ongoing trials of [[w:Angel (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)|Angel]], a vampire whose human soul was restored to him by gypsies as a punishment for the murder of one of their own. After more than a century of murder and the torture of innocents, Angel's restored soul torments him with guilt and remorse. It was a spinoff of ''[[Buffy the Vampire Slayer]]''.
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[[Image:Merge-arrow.svg|left]] It has been suggested that this article or section should be [[w:Help:Merging and moving pages|merged]] with ''[[{{{1}}}]]''. ([[:{{NAMESPACE}} talk:{{PAGENAMEE}}|Discuss]])&lt;/div&gt;
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&lt;div class=&quot;metadata&quot; style=&quot;border: 1px solid #c0b8cc; background-color: #f0e5ff; width: 80%; margin: 0 auto 1em auto; padding: .2em; text-align: center;&quot;&gt;[[Image:Mergefrom.svg|left]] It has been suggested that ''[[{{NAMESPACE}}:{{{1}}}|{{{1}}}]]'' be [[w:Wikipedia:Merging and moving pages|merged]] into this article or section. ([[{{NAMESPACE}} talk:{{PAGENAMEE}}|Discuss]])&lt;/div&gt;
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| | &lt;nowiki&gt;{{&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Template:mergeto|mergeto]]}} &lt;nowiki&gt;[[&lt;/nowiki&gt;merge destination article]]&lt;br&gt;
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&lt;div class=&quot;metadata&quot; style=&quot;border: 1px solid #c0b8cc; background-color: #f0e5ff; width: 80%; margin: 0 auto 1em auto; padding: .2em; text-align: center;&quot;&gt;
[[Image:Merge-arrow.svg|left]] It has been suggested that this article or section be [[w:Wikipedia:Merging and moving pages|merged]] into ''[[{{NAMESPACE}}:{{{1}}}|{{{1}}}]]''. ([[{{NAMESPACE}} talk:{{{1}}}|Discuss]])&lt;/div&gt;
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| | &lt;nowiki&gt;{{&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Template:move|move]]}}&lt;br&gt;
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&lt;div style=&quot;border: 1px solid #c0b8cc; background-color: #f0e5ff; width: 80%; margin: 0 auto 1em auto; padding: .2em; text-align: center;&quot;&gt;
[[File:Merge-split-transwiki default.svg|left]] It has been suggested that this article or section be moved to ''[[:{{#if:{{NAMESPACE}}|{{NAMESPACE}}:}}{{{1}}}|{{{1}}}]]''. ([[:{{NAMESPACE}} talk:{{PAGENAME}}|Discuss]])&lt;/div&gt;
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| | &lt;nowiki&gt;{{&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Template:vfd-new|vfd-new]]}}&lt;br&gt;
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&lt;div class=&quot;boilerplate metadata&quot; id=&quot;vfd&quot; style=&quot;background-color: #FFFCE6; margin: 0 2.5%; padding: 0 10px; border: 1px solid #aaa;&quot;&gt;
:'''This page has been listed as a candidate for [[Wikiquote:Deletion policy|''deletion'']]. '''
:''In the normal operations of Wikiquote, some pages are deleted. Please see '''[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/{{FULLPAGENAME}}|this page's entry]]''' on the [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion|Votes for deletion]] page for justifications and discussion.''
----
&lt;small&gt;If you are listing this page for deletion, please follow the steps at [[Wikiquote:Nominating a page for deletion]].&lt;/small&gt;
&lt;/div&gt;
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| | &lt;nowiki&gt;{{&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Template:vfd-template-new|vfd-template-new]]}}&lt;br&gt;
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&lt;span style=&quot;padding: 0; font-size: xx-small; color: #000000; border: 1px solid #aaaaaa; background-color: #FFFCE6;&quot;&gt;&amp;lsaquo;The [[Wikiquote:Template messages|template]] '''''[[Template:template name|template name]]''''' has been '''[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/discussion title|proposed for deletion here]]'''.&amp;rsaquo;&lt;/span&gt;&amp;nbsp;{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Template||}}
| | Templates&lt;br&gt; top
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===General templates mainly for sysop use===
{| border=&quot;1&quot; cellspacing=&quot;0&quot; cellpadding=&quot;3&quot;
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| | &lt;nowiki&gt;{{&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Template:protected|protected]]}}&lt;br&gt;
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| | &lt;nowiki&gt;{{&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Template:semiprotected|semiprotected]]}}&lt;br&gt;
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===Licenses===
{| border=&quot;1&quot; cellspacing=&quot;0&quot; cellpadding=&quot;3&quot;
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| | &lt;nowiki&gt;{{&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Template:WikimediaTextLicensing|WikimediaTextLicensing]]}}&lt;br&gt;
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{| cellspacing=&quot;1&quot; cellpadding=&quot;1&quot; style=&quot;background: #f7fff8; border: 1px solid #88a; padding: 5px; font-size: 80%;&quot;
|- style=&quot;text-align: left;&quot;
| style=&quot;width: 88px; padding-left: 6px;&quot; | [[Image:Wikimedia.png|65px]]
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{|
| style=&quot;background: #43a976; text-align: center;&quot; |'''Licensing rights granted to WikiMedia Foundation'''
|- style=&quot;text-align: left;&quot;
| I grant non-exclusive permission for the [[w:Wikimedia|Wikimedia Foundation Inc.]] to relicense my text contributions under any [[w:copyleft|copyleft]] license that it chooses, provided it maintains the free and open spirit of the [[w:GFDL|GDFL]].  This permission acknowledges that future licensing needs of the WikiMedia projects may need adapting in unforseen fashions to facilitate other uses, formats, and locations.  It is given for as long as this banner remains. '''Note: This banner is under construction, and is subject to major changes pending any [[Template talk:WikimediaTextLicensing|discussion]].'''
|}
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| |bottom
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=== Other sites ===
{| border=&quot;1&quot; cellspacing=&quot;0&quot; cellpadding=&quot;3&quot;
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| | &lt;nowiki&gt;{{&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Template:Imdb title|Imdb title]]|0123456}}&lt;br&gt;
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{{Imdb title|0123456|Beverly Hills Blondes}}
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| | &lt;nowiki&gt;{{&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Template:Imdb name|Imdb name]]|0123456}}&lt;br&gt;
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{{Imdb name|0123456|Payson Burt}}
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| | &lt;nowiki&gt;{{&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Template:Gutenberg author|Gutenberg author]]|id=|name=}}&lt;br&gt;
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| | &lt;nowiki&gt;{{&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Template:Rotten-tomatoes|Rotten-tomatoes]]|id=|title=}}&lt;br&gt;
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{{Rotten-tomatoes}}
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=== Sister projects ===
{| border=&quot;1&quot; cellspacing=&quot;0&quot; cellpadding=&quot;3&quot;
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{{Wikipedia}}
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| | &lt;nowiki&gt;{{&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Template:Wikisource|Wikisource]]}}&lt;br&gt;
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| | &lt;nowiki&gt;{{&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Template:Wikisource author|Wikisource author]]}}&lt;br&gt;
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| | &lt;nowiki&gt;{{&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Template:Commons|Commons]]|''Commons article name''}}&lt;br&gt;
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| | &lt;nowiki&gt;{{&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Template:Commonscat|Commonscat]]|''Commons category name''}}&lt;br&gt;
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===Clean-up===

{| border=&quot;1&quot; cellspacing=&quot;0&quot; cellpadding=&quot;3&quot;
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| | &lt;nowiki&gt;{{&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Template:cleanup|cleanup]]}}&lt;br&gt;
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{{cleanup|categories=no}}
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| | &lt;nowiki&gt;{{&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Template:npov|npov]]}}&lt;br&gt;
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{{Message_box|
id	=NPOV|
backgroundcolor	=AntiqueWhite|
image	=Stop_hand.png|
heading	=The [[Wikiquote:Neutral point of view|neutrality]] of this article is [[w:Wikipedia:Neutral point of view|disputed]].|
message = Please see the relevant discussion on the [[:{{NAMESPACE}} talk:{{PAGENAME}}|talk page]].}}
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There are template for specific cleanup too. See [[/Clean-up|Clean-up]].

===Stubs===
{| border=&quot;1&quot; cellspacing=&quot;0&quot; cellpadding=&quot;3&quot;
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| | &lt;nowiki&gt;{{&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Template:stub|stub]]}}&lt;br&gt;
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There are template for specific stubs too. See [[/Stubs]].

== Other namespaces ==
Some templates are used on other namespaces; Wikiquote, Image, Template, [[/User|User]], [[/User talk|User talk]] and so on.

=== Maintenance-related templates ===

{| border=&quot;1&quot; cellspacing=&quot;0&quot; cellpadding=&quot;3&quot;
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| | &lt;nowiki&gt;{{&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Template:user|user]]|ExampleUser}}&lt;br&gt;
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{{user|ExampleUser}}
| | Anywhere
|-
| | &lt;nowiki&gt;{{&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Template:interwiki|interwiki]]|
w=ENWPcorrespond|
wikt=ENWScorrespond|
b=ENWBcorrespond|
n=ENWNcorrespond}}&lt;br&gt;
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{{interwiki|w=ENWPcorrespond|wikt=ENWScorrespond|b=ENWBcorrespond|n=ENWNcorrespond}}  
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| | &lt;nowiki&gt;{{&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Template:shortcut|shortcut]]|EXAMPLE}}&lt;br&gt;
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{{shortcut|EXAMPLE}}
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| | &lt;nowiki&gt;{{&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Template:policydraft|policydraft]]}}&lt;br&gt;
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&lt;div class=&quot;boilerplate metadata&quot; id=&quot;policy&quot; style=&quot;text-align: justify; background: #efefff; argin: .5em 2.5%; padding: 0 1em; border: 1px solid #79b&quot;&gt;
'''This page is a draft policy on Wikiquote.''' It is available for consideration by the community, but does not yet reflect community consensus. Editors and sysops may follow the policies proposed here at their own discretion.
'''Please edit this page or make a comment on [[{{NAMESPACE}} talk:{{PAGENAME}}]]'''.

{{ed|Policydraft|+/-}}
&lt;/div&gt;


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=== Article talk templates ===
{| border=&quot;1&quot; cellspacing=&quot;0&quot; cellpadding=&quot;3&quot;
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{{talkheader}}
| | Article talk&lt;br /&gt;Top
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| | &lt;nowiki&gt;{{&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Template:checkcopyright|checkcopyright]]}}&lt;br&gt;
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{| class=&quot;metadata&quot; style=&quot;width:80%; background-color:#FFFFCC; border:1px solid #8888aa;  padding:5px;margin: auto auto 1em auto&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[Image:Examine copyright icon.png|64px|Copyright examination requested]]
| style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;|This page has been flagged for a review of its [[w:copyright|copyright]] status, as it may contain too many quotes from a copyrighted source. See [[Wikiquote:Copyrights]] for more information on Wikiquote copyright policy. Please do not remove this tag from this page until it has been checked by a user familiar with the [[w:fair use|fair use]] provisions of [[w:U.S. copyright law|U.S. copyright law]] and edited down if necessary.   {{#if:  | &lt;br/&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size: 75%&quot;&gt;This page has been listed as needing copyright check since [[{{{1}}}]].&lt;/span&gt;}}
|}

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| | &lt;nowiki&gt;{{&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Template:Quotation limit|Quotation limit]]|type}}&lt;br&gt;
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{| style=&quot;width:80%; background-color:#ffc; border:1px solid #88a;  padding:5px; margin-bottom:1em; margin: auto auto 2em auto;&quot;
|[[File:VLC Icon (New).svg|55px]] || width=&quot;100%&quot;|'''This article falls within a &lt;em&gt;proposed&lt;/em&gt; [[Wikiquote:Limits on quotations|limits on quotations]] policy.'''
{{#if: |One or more sections of this article use quotes from |The subject of this article is }} {{#switch: film |film=a '''film'''|tv=a '''television show'''|spoken=a '''spoken word performance'''|game=a '''video game'''|album=a '''record album'''|book=a '''book'''|netvideo=an '''online video'''}}, and as a result, the proposal would set a limitation of &lt;em&gt;{{#switch: film |film=five quotes per hour (about one quote every 12 minutes)|tv=one quote for less than 30 minutes, two quotes for 30 minute shows, and five quotes for 60 minute shows &lt;small style=&quot;font-style:normal&quot;&gt;(see [[Wikiquote:Limits on quotations#Television|our TV policy]] for shows of other lengths)&lt;/small&gt;|spoken=five quotes {{#if: | per work|}}|game=three quotes|album=five brief quotes|book=five lines of prose (or eight lines of poetry) for every ten pages|netvideo=one quote for less than 30 minutes, two quotes for 30 minute shows, and five quotes for 60 minute shows &lt;small style=&quot;font-style:normal&quot;&gt;(see [[Wikiquote:Limits on quotations#Online video|our Online Video policy]] for shows of other lengths)&lt;/small&gt;}}.&lt;/em&gt;

If you would like to add another quote to {{#if: |a section|the page}}, you should consider whether to remove one that is already there in order to keep within the bounds of [[Wikiquote:Copyrights|fair use of copyright material]].{{#if: |&lt;br /&gt;&lt;small&gt;For reference, the length of this work is: ''{{{length}}}''.&lt;/small&gt;}}
|}

| | Article talk&lt;br /&gt;Top
|}

{{Recommended order of cleanup templates}}

== See also ==
*[{{SERVER}}{{localurl:Special:Allpages|namespace=10}} List of all templates]

[[Category:Templates]]
[[Category:Policies needing expansion]]
&lt;!-- interlang --&gt;
[[fa:ویکی‌گفتاورد:الگوهای پیامی]]
[[ja:Wikiquote:Template メッセージの一覧]]
[[nl:Wikiquote:Mediawiki gebruikersboodschappen]]
[[sv:Wikiquote:Lista över mallar]]</text>
      <sha1>hxliirqj65vr721xz3bxyolue5a441u</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Excel Saga</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>7454</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147778</id>
      <parentid>2831392</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T21:13:03Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* External links */ r/m Template:Tv.com show</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="7712" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Excel Saga|Excel Saga]]''''' (1999) is a comedy anime directed by [[w:Shinichi Watanabe|Shinichi Watanabe]] (ja. Watanabe Shinichi) and based on a manga series written by [[w:Koushi Rikudou|Koushi Rikudou]]. The complete Japanese title is へっぽこ実験アニメーション　エクセル・サーガ, translated as ''Quack Experimental Anime: Excel Saga''. Excel is the heroine of this series. The director [[w:Shinichi Watanabe|Shinichi Watanabe]] is featured as ''Nabeshin'' in this series.

== Season 1 ==	
=== ''Koshi Rikdo Assassination Plot'' [1.1] ===
:'''[[w:Excel (Excel Saga)|Excel]]''': How dare you live in a place with a roof, you user of INK!?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Excel''': Please just pretend you were bitten by a stray dog and DIE.   MY WHAT A TENACIOUS BASTARD!!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Excel''': There is one Earth! If it splits, there will be two!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Good Excel''': The bullet of justice, caps evil's ass!

=== ''The Woman From Mars'' [1.2] ===
: '''[[w:Excel (Excel Saga)|Excel]]''': Ma anghang!!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Watanabe''': Hey! Ano problema mo?!? Can't you be a little quieter while I wallow in misery?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Shinichi Watanabe|Nabeshin]]''': &quot;Ramdam kita....... Space Butler....   HYOOOOOOOOH!&quot;

=== ''The Sacrificial Lamb of the Venomous Great Escape of Hell'' [1.3] ===

:'''Excel''': FREE AT LAST!!!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Army Captain Guy''': You have the right to breathe. You have the right to blink freely. You have the right to pick your nose.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Excel''': Who is this place? Where are you? Me am Excel!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Iwata''': Awww...Come on, we just used your porn magazine for a potholder! Heck, the gravy stains might even enhance the experience!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Army Captain Guy''': &quot;Ah! Very good Nabeshin! I see you're still a ninja commando from hell!&quot;

=== ''Love Puny'' [1.4]===

:'''Watanabe''': I'm.... a....... a....... CIVIL SERVANT!!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Il Palazzo|IlPalazzo]]''': Who puts a bomb in a dating game?!

=== ''The Interesting Giant Tower'' [1.5]===

:'''[[w:Excel (Excel Saga)|Excel]]''': Come on scribbles on the bathroom wall! Please show me the path that I must follow!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Shinichi Watanabe|Nabeshin]] (Singing)''': I'm Nabeshin, my afro suits me, it's easy to clean, just wash it once! The babes all like it 'cause it's fluffy and I like it 'cause I don't have to brush. Shaggy and curly, frizzy and messy, my afro do is the best for me. I'm Nabeshin and the chicks dig me. It's a wap-doo-wap doo-wap-doo-wap hair! Do-didididi-dey!

=== ''The Cold is Winter! Snowed Under Episode'' [1.6]===

:'''[[w:Il Palazzo|IlPalazzo]]''': Resources, resources! You must obtain more resources!

=== ''Melody of the Underground Passage'' [1.7]===

:'''Three dying Puchuus''': Doo-Wop!

=== ''Increase Ratings Week'' [1.8]===
:'''Excel''': I'm sexy&quot;

=== ''Bowling Girls'' [1.9]===
:'''Nabeshin''': I ain't dead.

=== ''Elegy to the Dogs'' [1.10]===

=== ''Butt Out, Youth!'' [1.11]===

:'''Excel''': By the way, Mr. Aesop, education starts with just how you get close to those na&amp;iuml;ve young hearts. Categorically yelling at them produces the opposite effect. What we need on the modern battlefield of education is... Yes! A glass of tomato juice!

=== ''Big City Part II'' [1.12]===
:'''Excel''': [to Hyatt] If you keep punching holes in the definition of death, you're gonna get dissected for real one of these days!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Doctor''': We did what we could, but she was already as dead as a dodo. It wasn't our fault this time
=== ''The New Year's-End Party Hidden Talent Contest'' [1.13]===

=== ''Prop'' [1.14]===
:'''Ropponmatsu''': (to Iwata; in Iwata's fantasy) Senior, will you please register me? Please put me in your private folder and lock me away with a password just for us.

=== ''More! Prop Memorial'' [1.15]===
:'''Watanabe''': (yawns after waking up) Another lovely morning of hopes doomed to be trashed begins.
=== ''Take Back Love!'' [1.16]===
:'''Excel''': (to Ropponmatsus 1 &amp; 2) Look! If you don't answer, we'll turn you into the Sailor Scouts and make you star in the next episode, got it?!
:'''Hyatt''': Senior, that script is already written.
:'''Excel''': Oh...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Excel''': Holy tin cans! You're a robot?!
:'''Ropponmatsu 2''': You hadn't noticed that yet? Don't you know humans can't fire missiles from their knees and beams from their eyes?
:'''Excel''': Come to think of it, you're right.

=== ''Animation USA'' [1.17]===
:'''Excel''': In the name of the moon, I'm going to slap yo' butt!

=== ''Municipal Force Daitenzin'' [1.18]===
:'''Kabapu''': The peace of this city rests on your spandex-clad shoulders! You will let no evil escape you! For now, I christen you the team supreme, Special Municipal Force Daitenzin!

=== ''Menchi's Great Adventure 2 - Around the World in 80 Hours'' [1.19]===

:'''Ann Anzai''': From the strongest steel! To stir-fryed noodles! We're the guardian of your home - the Goddess that anticipates your needs! We're the ones behind you - Alps is at your service! Alps! The Alps company, all for you!

=== ''The Best of Mr. Pedro'' [1.20]===

:'''[[w:Excel (Excel Saga)|Excel]] &amp; [[w:Hyatt (Excel Saga)|Hyatt]]:''' Mitsuo! Menda! Naha Naha!

=== ''Visually Appealing Type'' [1.21]===
:'''Ilpalazzo''': (thinking about Key) Quit putting on such a show! Giving yourself an artist's airs, you narcissistic bastard! Nar-bastard, nar-bastard! Disappear! Leave! Go away, away!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Key''': My name is Key. I am a key. And could you perhaps be... (to Excel) my keyhole?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ilpalazzo''': (thinking about Key) Damn you. Just because you're visually appealing, you little bastard, doesn't make you cool. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I'll kill you, you poser! I'll definitely make you die!

=== ''Invasion, Mother'' [1.22]===
:'''Puchuu Commander''': Since when do my flashbacks have commercials?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Excel''': He's coming... Oh crap, he's *here*!

=== ''Legend of the End of the Century Conqueror'' [1.23]===

:'''Excel''': I am shock!

=== ''For You, I Could Die'' [1.24]===
:'''Excel''': I don't understand. Why did this end up happening? I don't understand. I don't understand. Something is flowing out of my body. What could it be? What could it be? I don't understand. I don't understand. I'm sure it happened many times. That's right, I have the feeling I've been killed many times, and I was dropped down a hole quite a few times too. Now that I think back, it feels rather uncaring of him. But even so, I tried so hard for him. For him... him...

=== ''We Will Not Be Held Responsible'' [1.25]===

:'''Pedro &amp; That Man:''' One shot is all we get!
:'''That Man:''' Chinpyourousupoun!
:'''Pedro:''' Nabe-hame-ha!

=== ''Going Too Far'' [1.26]===

:'''Kumi-Kumi''': (as Nabeshin and Koshi Rikdo face off) Idiots...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nabeshin''': Don't worry girls, I've got it all under control! Explosions fix EVERYTHING!

==Cast==
* [[w:Jessica Calvello|Jessica Calvello]] - [[w:Excel (Excel Saga)|Excel]]
* [[w:Larissa Wolcott|Larissa Wolcott]] - [[w:Excel (Excel Saga)|Excel]] (eps 14-26)
* [[w:Monica Rial|Monica Rial]] - [[w:Hyatt (Excel Saga)|Hyatt]]
* [[w:Jason Douglas|Jason Douglas]] - [[w:Il Palazzo|Il Palazzo]]
* [[w:Hilary Haag|Hilary Haag]] - Menchi

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0240493|title=Excel Saga}}
* ''[http://www.animenewsnetwork.com/encyclopedia/anime.php?id=398 Excel Saga]'' at [[w:Anime News Network|Anime News Network]]'s Encyclopedia

[[Category:Anime and manga series]]
[[Category:Comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Absurdism]]</text>
      <sha1>4uiw3pjs7pfvai44wn70i14sfk0wee5</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>My Hero</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>7636</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147779</id>
      <parentid>2742080</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T21:13:12Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* External links */ r/m Template:Tv.com show</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="53708" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:My Hero (UK TV series)|My Hero]]''''' (2000–2006) is a British television sitcom created by Paul Mendelson, originally airing on BBC. 
It starred Ardal O’Hanlon, Emily Joyce, Lill Roughley, Tim Wylton, Philip Whitchurch, Lou Hirsch, Geraldine McNulty, Hugh Dennis, Finlay Stroud (voice), Madeline Mortimer (voice). 

==Catchphrases==

:'''Piers Crispin''': I am always here. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''Ultronian greeting George and Arnie often say to each other.&quot;&quot;
:'''George''': Zneet znatter zneet

==Series 1== 

===My Hero=== 

:''[George enters the health centre for the first time, carrying an elderly woman on his back after she fainted.]'' 

:'''George''': Hello. Where can I put this? 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Well, don't give her to me. ''(She picks up the phone)'' Janet, out here. ''(She hangs up again.)'' Do you know what's wrong with her? 

:'''George''': Well, she's got rheumatoid arthritis in her left shoulder, a slightly irregular heartbeat and two nasty scars where she was delivered by forceps. 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': I meant why is she unconscious? 

:'''George''': Oh, she just fainted. 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': And you are? 

:'''George''': Fine. Thanks for asking. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 

:''[In Arnie's New York café, he's watching TV with a customer. Arnie has a smug look on his face.]'' 

:'''Commentator''': There's two touchdowns. And the Denver Broncos game against the Dallas Cowboys has just ended with a 21-19 victory for the Broncos. 

:''[Arnie turns off the TV]'' 

:'''Arnie''': Yes! Thank you! Pay the man! 

:''[He does, reluctantly]'' 

:'''Customer''': Every week ya do me! Every week, Arnie! 

:''[He gets up and heads for the door]'' 

:'''Arnie''': What can I say? I've got a talent! 

:'''Customer''': Yeah! 

:'''Arnie''': I've got a nose... 

:'''Customer''': Yeah, yeah! 

:''[The man leaves, and Arnie now holds a tape in his hand]'' 

:'''Arnie''': I've got a VCR! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 

:''[Ella enters the health centre]'' 

:'''Janet''': Mum, what are you doing here? 

:''[Ella enters slowly]'' 

:'''Ella''': I don't want to come in, not with all these sick people! I told you that outfit does nothing for you! 

:'''Janet''': I'm a nurse! 

:'''Ella''': Well, at least accessorise! ''(She spots Piers)'' Piers! 

:'''Piers''': Mrs. Dawkins. Tell me how you stay so young, I'll recommend it on my show. 

:'''Ella''': Oh, you! ''(To Janet)'' He's gorgeous! ''(Back to Piers)'' I loved your piece on vericose veins, not that I needed it! 

:'''Piers''': Oh, heaven forbid! You have the legs of a teenager... 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': ...on steroids! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 

:'''George''': Right, she's come out for dinner with me, but I don't know what to do next. I need help! 

:'''Arnie''': Have you got her a present? 

:'''George''': Surgical stockings. 

:'''Arnie''': You ''do'' need help. Right, you take her back to her place, and you show her the money! If she likes you as George &quot;Surgical Stockings&quot; Sunday, she'll ''love'' you as Thermoman! 

:'''George''': You think so? 

:'''Arnie''': You're Tom Cruise in tights, only taller! 

:'''George''': Right, I'll show her what I'm made of. Well, not literally, I mean, she'd faint if I did that. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 

:'''Piers''': Janet, you'll be pleased to know I've decided to forgive you for that bistro mix-up last Tuesday. 

:'''Janet''': ''(sarcastically)'' Oh, good, I can sleep easy again. 

:'''Piers''': It's not your fault you went to the wrong restaurant. It's something about the female brain holding information. 

:'''Janet''': Is it? 

:'''Piers''': You wouldn't believe it. Lots of women I've been out with have had the same problem. 

:'''Janet''': You don't say. ''(She leaves)'' Well, goodnight. 

:'''Piers''': God, she fancies me. So, Mrs. Raven, you doing anything remotely interesting tonight? 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': I'm taking the triplets to see the exorcist. 

:'''Piers''': Hmm. Great movie. 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Who's talking about the movie?

===Guess Who's Coming to Lunch?=== 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': The school's only called again about the triplets' truancy. 

:'''Janet''': Oh, no. 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': The headmaster's asking if they can stay off next term as well. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 

:'''Piers''': Janet tells me you've bought a pokey little health food shop in the high street. 

:'''George''': She's right. And if all goes to plan, I hope to greet my first customers tomorrow morning. 

:'''Piers''': So you open tomorrow? 

:'''George''': No, we opened a week ago. 

:'''Piers''': Good lord. You'd think people would be queueing for some of that organic Welsh dandelion mucus bar, wouldn't you? 

:'''George''': I know, you would!

:'''Janet''': Sarcasm, George. 

:'''George''': Oh, right. 

:'''Piers''': And guess who was guest of honour at the Northholt GP's Annual Dinner Dance last night? Only your favourite television doctor! 

:'''George''': Not Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman!

===Mission Impossible===

:''(George is waiting for his suit to come out of the washing machine while a space station is heading towards Earth.)''

:'''George''': Come on! Come on!!

:'''Woman on Radio''': I can't think where he is! Why isn't he here?

:'''George''': BECAUSE THE WASHING CYCLE'S NOT FINISHED!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 

:'''Piers''': You all right, George? 

:'''George''': ''(Scratching)''  Yeah, I think I must be allergic to something. 

:'''Piers''': To Janet perhaps! ''(Laughs)'' Well, it could be anything. Something you ate, biological washing powder, insect bite, heat rash. 

:'''George''': ''(To Janet)'' You use biological washing powder!?

:'''Janet''': I'm sorry, George. It's not the first thing you ask. 

:'''Mrs Raven''': Last time I tried anything biological I got triplets. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 

:'''George''': She read the physical intimacy page. Once a month, Arnie! 

:'''Arnie''': So? You did tell her it was an Ultron month? Equivalent to an Earth day. 

:'''George''': ''(Relieved)'' I had no idea! 

:'''Arnie''': It's a lie, George, but how the hell is she gonna know?  

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 

:''(Performs check-up on George as he thinks he's Thermoman)''

:'''Piers''':  Now, I know we have been rivals for Janet's affections

:'''George''':  I think she prefers me, Doctor.  She calls you an egocentric slimming bastard

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 

:'''Ella''': ''(About George)'' I asked him how much television he watches and he said &quot;the whole screen&quot;. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 

:''[George finds out from Janet about the 'side-effect' Piers has suffered from George erasing his memory, namely, his entire medical knowledge has been wiped.]''

:'''George''': I've broken the superhero's code! I've injured another human being! I haven't done that since that time a blew a policeman through a wall! 

:'''Janet''': You blew a policeman through a wall? 

:'''George''': Yeah, well, I flew into the police station, and he said &quot;Well, blow me!&quot;, so I did. 

:'''Janet''': You're lucky that's '''all''' he said...

===Thermoman's Greatest Challenge===

:'''Piers''': ''(To Thermoman)'' You fancy her, don't you? ''(Janet)'' Let me tell you now, you're not her type. She doesn't go for men who are famous and extremely successful. 

:'''Thermoman''': You know someone like that, do you? 

:'''Piers''': I am someone like that. ''(Proudly)'' And thats not swank.

:'''Thermoman''': No?

:'''Piers''': I'm no swanker! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 

:'''Piers''': Actually, you can go home early, Mrs. Raven. I'll clear things up here. 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Oh, thanks, Doctor. I've gotta get home quickly anyway. My sister's on ''Who Wants to be a Millionaire?'', and I've gotta be by the phone. 

:'''Piers''': Ah, you're one of her &quot;phone-a-friends&quot;? 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Yeah, I'll probably get it wrong... I hope I do, I hate my sister! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Piers''': Now, Thermoman, I was wondering if you could help me, mate? 

:'''Thermoman''': Help you ''mate''? Well, sexual problems aren't really my thing... 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[Thermoman is guest of honour at a charity party at the health centre. Mrs. Raven is serving wine and cheese]'' 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Wine... Cheese... Wine... Wine... Cheese... Listeria... Cirrhosis of the liver... 

:'''Piers''': Mrs. Raven, try and be more friendly with them! Show them you know who they are.

:''[Mrs. Raven goes to the Mayor]'' 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Evening, Mayor. Little wine? Or would it interfere with your antibiotics? 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 

:''(Thermoman enters for the first time]'' 

:'''Thermoman''': Greetings, people of Northholt! 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Wine? Cheese? Me? 

:'''Thermoman''': I cannot, but thank you for the offer! 

:'''Piers''': &quot;Thermo&quot;, mate! Why don't we get a picture of the two 'celebs' together? 

:'''Thermoman''': Yes, where is the Mayor? 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Wine... ''(Drinks some wine)'' Cheese... ''(Eats some cheese)'' More wine... ''(Drinks some wine)'' Sod the cheese! ''(Drinks more wine, and more wine...)'' 

:'''Piers''': Don't you think you've had enough, Mrs. Raven? 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': I'll know when I've had enough - I'll get merry! 

:'''Piers''': And how much wine will that take? 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': I don't know, it's never happened yet!

===Old Man Riverdance===

:'''Janet''': George, if your father does let us stay together, and we have children, what would they be like? Human or Ultronian? 

:'''George''': Hmm... Probably a bit of both. In human terms, brilliant! In Ultronian terms, seriously retarded!

===The Party's Over=== 
:''(About a woman in a cafe named &quot;Carol&quot;)''

:'''George''': She seems friendly.

:'''Arnie''': She's a hooker, George.

:'''George''': A hooker?  God, I love Rugby.  

:''(Speaks to woman)''

:'''George''': Arnie tells me you're a hooker.  It's a grand old game, very physical.  Although I think more women should take it up.

:'''Carol''':  You do, do you?

:'''George''': Oh yes.  Now for me, I prefer to watch.  Right now, I have only seen men.

:'''Carol''':  You're sick!

:'''George''':  Nah!  It's just a touch of hay fever, thanks for asking

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 

:'''Tyler''': ''(to Mrs. Raven)'' When can I see you again? 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': When Hell freezes over! 

:'''Tyler''': Right, um, Tuesday it is, then.

=Series 2=

===Christmas===

:'''George:''' Happy Christmas, Tyler.
:'''Tyler:''' No, be afraid. For it will not be a happy Christmas. The Anti-Christ is coming!......
:'''George:''' No, Tyler. I've had a word with the Anti-Christ and he's staying at home this year.
:'''Tyler:''' You have saved the world once again.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''George:''' By the way, who is this Santa Claus?
:'''Janet:''' It doesn't matter George, he's just someone who comes and brings children presents on Christmas morning.
:'''Tyler:''' Yeah, he comes down the chimney and puts them in a big sock at the end of the bed.
:'''George:''' Nice bloke.
:'''Tyler:''' He is. I was at Junior School with him.

===Parents=== 

:'''Mrs Raven''': ''(About Thermoman)'' If he ever comes back, I'm giving him my body. 

:'''George''': What if he doesn't want it?

:'''Mrs Raven''': He's getting it, whether he wants it or not! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Ella is the leading lady in a new play.]'' 

:'''Ella''': Anyway, you'll soon see for yourselves. I think it's going to be one of the NADS' best productions! 

:'''George''': The NADS? 

:'''Piers''': The good old Northholt Amateur Dramatic Society. 

:'''George''': But... that's GONADS!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

''(After George has ruined Janet's parent's play by shouting and cheering.)''

:'''Janet''': We just want to say we're really, really sorry. George has only ever been to a panto, he thought all plays were like that. How are you feeling now? 

:'''Stanley''': ''(Watch alarm goes off)'' Time for another prozac. ''(Hands the pill to Ella.)''

===Girlfriend=== 

:''[Xil, supposedly George’s Ultronian fiancée, has come to claim him]'' 

:'''George''': Actually, I feel a bit sorry for her. It's not hard to see why she's come. Poor girl. 

:'''Janet''': Poor girl?! 

:'''George''': Yeah, you only have to look at her. Honestly, how is a girl who looks like that ever going to find a husband? 

:'''Janet''': George, here on Earth, a girl who looks like that could get anyone's husband! 

:'''George''': Really? Even with those long, shapely legs? And those boring, perfectly spherical breasts? What a ridiculous planet this is! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Piers''': Alright, Mrs. Bennett, just keep putting the cream on it, but if it gets any worse, be a love and change doctors, okay?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

:'''George''': Mrs. Raven, it's incredible! You look even ''more'' miserable than usual! 

:'''Janet''': George, Mrs. Raven isn't herself today. 

:'''George''': That must be a relief! For both of you! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

:''[George asks Arnie for advice on trying to get out of marrying Xil]'' 

:'''George''': Can you remember back to something very significant we both did when we were six? 

:'''Arnie''': All kids do that kind of stuff, it doesn't make you any less of a man... 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

:'''Ella''': Janet, can I have a little word? 

:'''Janet''': Yep. How about 'go'? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

:'''Mrs Raven''': So... No George today? 

:'''Janet''': No, he's been busy. 

:'''Mrs Raven''': I bet he has. Well, I think it's great how you trust him enough to be alone. In that little flat. With that woman. Who'd stoop to anything!

:'''Janet''': There's nothing to worry about. George promised he wouldn't have sex with her. 

:'''Mrs Raven''': Oh, I didn't realise he'd promised! Well then, it's admirable that you trust him. Or completely bloody stupid. 

:'''Janet''': Look, can we change the subject please? 

:'''Mrs Raven''': Course. Do you think euthanasia is ever justified in long-term geriatric treatment? 

:'''Janet''': Who cares!? George is in my flat with the bitch queen from planet slut!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

:''[As George prepares to leave Earth for good...]'' 

:'''Arnie''': You ready, George? 

:'''George''': No, Arnie. This is the darkest, most depressing day of my existence. Life doesn't get any worse than this. 

:'''Arnie''': You wanna hear my best man speech? 

:'''George''': I stand corrected.

===Car=== 

:'''George''': Arnie, if I gave you your powers back, and you then saw a woman trapped on a runaway train, would you: A) rescue her, B) rescue her and charge her a fee, or C) rescue her, ask her to sleep with you, and if she refuses, throw her back on the train? 

:'''Arnie''': Can I phone a friend?

:'''George''': You could if you had one.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Mrs Raven''': Flu? You're coming in here with flu?!

:''(Patient nods, Mrs Raven holds and piece of cabbage on a stick over her mouth and rings a bell twice)''

:'''Mrs Raven''': Unclean! Unclean!

:''(Mrs Raven stops ringing the bell)''

:'''Mrs Raven''': You, over there.

:''(Mrs Raven points to the seats surrounded by a fence with a biohazard sign attached to it, spraying the patient as she takes her seat)''

:'''Janet''': Did you get to your anger management class last night?

:'''Mrs Raven''': No, the therapist is still in intensive care

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Janet''': I know it's none of my business, Mrs Raven, but do you think some of this hostility might be because you're, well... unattatched? 

:'''Mrs Raven''': My sex life's my own affair, thank you Oprah. Always has been...Apart from the triplet incident.

:'''Janet''': But if Mr. Right came along? 

:'''Mrs Raven''': There is no Mr. Right. There's only Mr. Crap, Mr. Tit and their friend Mr. Total Tosser! The only good place for a man's on a mortuary slab.

:'''Janet''': Lovely. 

:''Piers walks into the surgery.'' 

:'''Mrs Raven''': Oh, fasten your seatbelt. Here comes Mr. Tit.

===Nemesis===

:''[George is fixing things on the shelf behind the counter in his shop. He turns round and jumps in fright, gasping. Mrs. Raven is standing there.]'' 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Did I scare you? 

:'''George''': You ''always'' scare me, Mrs. Raven. 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Good. 

:'''George''': Now, how can I help you?

:'''Mrs. Raven''': I'm desperate. The triplets have discovered thrash metal.

:'''George''': Oil of Lavender. Very good for headaches...

:'''Mrs. Raven''': No, I'd prefer something for the triplets! 

:'''George''': Mrs. Raven! I've told you before, I can't sell chloroform over the counter! Anyway, I'm sure they're not that bad.

:'''Mrs. Raven''': You've never seen them, have you? 

:''[She gets a photograph out of her handbag and shows it to George. He gasps again.]''

:'''George''': Oh my god!

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Yeah, that's the standard reaction. 

:'''George''': ''(Nervously)'' Are... are those horns? 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': No, that's just the way they like to gel their hair! 

:'''George''': What age were they then? 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': 6, 6, and 6! Now if that weren't an omen! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(being possessed by Rovi Grubbeldim)'' 
:'''Piers''': I'm going to destroy the whole world and everybody in it...apart from [[w:Britney Spears|Britney Spears]]; I quite like her.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''George''': If you refuse the sacred challenge you're sent to the four corners of the galaxy...in four separate packing cases.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[Piers, being possessed by Rovi Grubbeldim, cackles villainously.]''

:'''George''': Why do you keep doing that?

:'''Piers''': It underscores my evil - it's a flourish.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''Rovi'': [about super attraction] (it works) On all but the cruelest and most hard-hearted of women
:''Piers'': Mrs Raven?
:''Rovi'': Mrs Raven.

==Series 3== 

===Baby Talk===

:'''George''': I don't care what they say... Babies are more knackering than volcanoes! 

:'''Janet''': How could something so small cause such havoc? 

:'''George''': Now, there's no need to get personal. 

:'''Janet''': I meant the baby. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Janet''': You’d better speak to him before my mother sees him. And she’ll want to see him before the christening. 

:'''George''': What’s the christening? 

:'''Janet''': It’s when you’re accepted into the church. You've heard of Jesus Christ? 

:'''George''': That’s what most people say when they see Thermoman. 

:'''Janet''': Well, he was this really great man who healed the sick and walked on water... 

:'''George''': The baby walked on water last night in the bath! Jesus was an Ultronian! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Janet''': You’ve picked a name for him already! 

:'''George''': Yep. I’ve found the perfect name.  It’s a biblical name, and it means something nice on Ultron. 

:'''Janet''': Oh, really? Well what is it? 

:'''George''': Pontius. 

:'''Janet''': Pontius? As in Pontius Pilate? 

:'''George''': Yes. It means &quot;Great Heart&quot; on Ultron. 

:'''Janet''': It means &quot;Great Bastard&quot; here! 

:'''George''': And his second name is Ulrich. That was my mother’s name. It means &quot;warm heart&quot; 

:'''Janet''': George, I am NOT naming my son Pontius Ulrich Sunday! More than anything, it spells pus!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Arnie''': ''(to Mrs. Raven)'' Hey, Phantom of the Opera! How'd you like a stallion between your sheets? 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': I'd sooner sleep with an incontinent skunk! Get your coat. 

:'''Arnie''': ''(to George)'' Romance is not dead!

===Zero Tolerance===

:'''Piers''': I stopped a little vandal this week spraying “poser” on my brand new customised Porsche. 

:'''George''': Oh yes, I saw that. And on the other side he'd written &quot;Useless toss-&quot; 

:'''Piers''': Yes, thank you George! So I hauled him down to the police station. A small struggle, but I managed to get the better of him. And did they charge him? No, they did not! Honestly, these 5-year-olds can get away with murder! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Mrs. Raven''': I made 4 citizen's arrests this week. 

:'''Stanley''': Really? What were they for? 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Wasting a medical receptionist's time! 

:'''Stanley''': I don’t think that's actually an offence, Mrs. Raven. 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Well, it's an offence to me! Coming here, wanting to change their appointments! So I arrested four of them and took them straight down to the police station. 

:'''Stanley''': And did they press charges? 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Yeah. They charged me with wasting police time! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''George and Arnie''': Zneet znatter zneet! 

:'''Tyler''': Zneet znatter zneet! 

:'''Arnie''': Tyler, this is an Ultronian thing. We don't do it with humans. Not even weird ones.

:'''Tyler''': Oh, okay. ''(He slowly walks away, upset)'' 

:'''George''': Oh, alright then. 

:'''George and Tyler''': Zneet znatter zneet! 

:'''Tyler''': Zneet znatter znooding zneet! 

:''(George and Arnie recoil)''

:'''George''': That's disgusting. 

:'''Arnie''': Not to mention illegal! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[Ultron Postman enters the flat from the bathroom and hands a blue envelope to George. He then goes out the way he came.]''

:'''Janet''': Does he have to come in through there? Last time I was in the shower. 

:'''George''': Oh, it's alright. He didn't mind.

===Pet Rescue===

:'''Janet''': We're looking after Biggles, Mum and Dad's dog, for a couple of weeks. 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': How old is it? 

:'''Janet''': About 5, I think.  

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Not much of an innings is it? 

:'''Janet''': Innings? 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Well, it's gonna die, isn't it? Every time you look after someone's pet, they always die and they never forgive you. 

:'''Janet''': It's not going to die, Mrs. Raven. 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Where is it now? 

:'''Janet''': With George. 

:'''Mrs Raven''': It's gonna die. Painfully, probably. 

:'''Janet''': Mrs. Raven... 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Do you know, I looked after my cousin's cat once. The next day, it was run over and killed. My cousin never forgave me. 

:'''Janet''': It's hardly your fault if someone...  You were driving the car, weren't you? 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': I hated that cat.

===The Older Man===

:'''Janet''': Mrs. Raven, were there ever times when you thought your husband wasn't quite the man you married? 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Yeah, once. But it was my own fault. I shouldn't have kicked him there in the first place. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[Piers comes out of his office with a young blonde girl named Hayley, whom he has been 'interviewing' for a job as a nurse.]''

:'''Hayley''': Look! He's autographed my T-shirt! I'm so lucky! 

:'''Janet''': Not as lucky as him. That was a short interview. 

:'''Hayley''': Oh, it's not over yet. I've passed my Part One, but Part Two is all about &quot;restaurant technique&quot;, apparently. 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Make sure you drink plenty, or you won't enjoy Part Three much... 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[George is aging very fast]''

:'''Arnie''': There is one thing you can do, George. But it's very risky. 

:'''George''': What? 

:'''Arnie''': You can go through... The Flaming Time Tunnels of Tarxis. 

:'''Tyler''': Been there, done that, got the T-shirt! 

:''[Tyler opens up his jacket to reveal a T-shirt underneath reading &quot;I went through The Flaming Time Tunnels of Tarxis&quot;]'' 

:'''Arnie''': It reverses an Ultronian's aging process by re-jiggin' the age hormones. Many Ultronian women use it instead of a face lift. 

:'''George''': Oh, yes, I remember. Who's that famous Ultronian? 

:'''Arnie''': Her Earth name is [[W: Joan Collins|Joan Collins]]. She's been through so many times, she's got a season ticket.

===Puttin' On The Writs===

:''About her triplets''
:'''Mrs. Raven''': They're at that difficult age. Too old for borstal, too young for prison. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''George''': Tyler, why is your sofa covered in Bacofoil? 

:'''Tyler''': The very fact you’re asking me proves that it’s working! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[Later on, Ella and Janet enter Tyler's flat]''

:'''Ella''': Why is your sofa covered in Bacofoil? 

:'''Tyler''': So it can't be microwaved. 

:'''Ella''': Er, I'll stand. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Mrs. Raven''': ''(to Arnie)'' Right, pay attention, pond scum. Calls here fall into three categories. &quot;Urgent&quot;, &quot;Very Urgent&quot;, &quot;Life or Death&quot;. &quot;Urgent&quot;: Put on Hold. &quot;Very Urgent&quot;: Disconnect. &quot;Life or Death&quot;: Tell them you're the maitre'd of the local Chinese restaurant. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Mrs. Raven''': You tricked me! I should have known you wouldn't have known what to do if confronted by a poisonous insect! 

:'''George''': Well, what I usually do is say &quot;Good Morning, Mrs. Raven!&quot;

===Shock, Horror!===

:''[George is getting careless with his hero-ing whilst trying to rescue people and tend to a sick Ollie at the same time]''

:'''Janet''': Take yesterday, for example. You had to deflect that comet from the Earth, put out that forest fire, and rescue those hostages. And what did you do? 

:'''George''': I rescued the ''comet'', blew the hostages into the fire, and threw up.

:'''Janet''': Exactly.

:'''George''': At least I put out the fire.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[After learning that President Bush has gone missing.]''

:'''Janet''': George, what have you done with the President? 

:'''George''': Look, it's perfectly simple. I had him with me when I was called out on a rescue and then I was called out on more rescues and what with that, and popping back here to see Ollie, I put him down somewhere and I can't remember where. 

:'''Janet''': ''(Stares at him in horror.)''

:'''George''': We've all done it, Janet! We've all put things down and can't remember where we've put them. 

:'''Janet''': Not the president of the United States!

===Little Green Man===

:''[In the shop]''

:'''Arnie''': Quiet, ain't it? 

:'''Tyler''': Yeah! 

:'''Arnie''': I mean, why isn't this store gettin' more business? It's got a prime spot in the high street, it's well stocked... I just don’t understand! 

:''[The door opens, and a woman comes in]'' 

:'''Arnie and Tyler''': We're closed! 

:''[She exits again]''

:'''Arnie''': Hey, did you hear that Piers is getting married? What an idiot! 

:'''Tyler''': What have ''you'' got against marriage, O, former king of the cosmos? You've done it enough times! 

:'''Arnie''': Exactly! It's hard work! &quot;Love, honour and obey!&quot; Talk about multi-tasking! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[Arnie shared a piece of cake with Janet, a great offence to Ultronians which makes George literally turn green with jealousy. Tyler enters and pretends not to notice.]'' 

:'''Janet''': It's alright, Tyler. I can see it too. 

:'''Tyler''': God, that's a relief! Last time I saw something like that, they increased my medication! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[Piers is getting married, little does he know he’s being used by his 'fiancée' Carol to get her a big TV job]'' 

:'''Carol''': Fantastic news! &quot;Hey There!&quot; Magazine say they'll print our wedding photos! And, if we get a bottle of Wash &amp; Go into every shot, they'll split the profit! 

:'''Piers''': Fab! So, we've got Pot Noodle doing the catering, booze courtesy of Heineken, and the cake's being made by Utterly Butterly! 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': (Sarcastically) Oh, how romantic! So, will it be a white wedding? 

:'''Piers''': Certainly not! It'll be Orange... unless I can do a deal with Vodafone! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Piers''': Are you wearing make-up, George? 

:'''George''': Course I am. Plenty of men wear make-up... [[Boy George]]... [[Marilyn Manson]]... Judith Chalmers... 

:'''Piers''': Hmm... Perfectly normal, then... 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 

:''[At the bookies]''

:'''Arnie''': Terry, I just got another hot tip... &quot;Barnacle Bill&quot; in the 2.30 at Haydock Park! 

:'''Terry''': OK, and I’ve got a tip for you! 

:'''Arnie''': I'm listenin'!  

:'''Terry''': ''(He points to his left)'' Start running in that direction, very very fast! 

:'''Arnie''': Huh? 

:''[He turns round, and Mrs. Raven punches him and storms off again. He staggers to his feet]'' 

:'''Arnie''': Good tip!


===A Little Learning===
 
'''Tyler:''' I love a good wedding. Remember when Han Solo finally married Princess Leia? I gave them a food mixer.

===A Day to Remember===

:'''Janet''': He still remembers he's George Sunday; he's just forgotten he's Thermoman.

:'''Arnie''': So the world's lost a superhero but still has an Irish shopkeeper in Northolt?

==Series 4==

===A Sporting Chance===

:'''Ella''': You'll never guess what's happened!

: '''Stanley''': Your mother tried to kill me with a chainsaw.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 

:'''Janet''': Dad, how are your cataracts? 

:'''Stanley''': Well, when I look at your mother, she's just a blur! So they're not too bad really! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 

:''[Janet persuades George to join Piers' Sunday league cricket team]'' 

:'''George''': Cricket? That's the one with the hoops?  

:'''Janet''': No, that's croquet! Cricket's the one where you hit a ball with a bat and try to score runs. 

:'''Arnie''': That's baseball! 

:'''Janet''': Yes, but it's also cricket! 

:'''George''': So, they're both the same? 

:'''Janet''': No, in baseball they have a pitcher. 

:'''George''': Pitcher, right. (He begins to write everything down on a notepad) 

:'''Arnie''': Yeah, and if the batter swings and misses three times, it's three strikes, and he's out! 

:'''George''': (Still writing) Three strikes, and he's out! This is all beginning to make sense now, Janet! 

:'''Janet''': You're not playing baseball! 

:'''George''': Then why are you telling me about it? 

:'''Tyler''': Master, let me explain. 

:'''Janet''': Thank you, Tyler! 

:'''Tyler''': Cricket's different to baseball, because in cricket, you not only have a bat and a ball, but you also have also horses and leather-clad women with metal spikes! 

:'''Janet''': No, you don't!!!!! 

:'''Tyler''': You do in my version! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 

:'''Piers''': Ah, George! Just the man! (He produces an envelope from his jacket) This is for you! 

:'''George''': Oh, thank you, Piers! Is this the cheque for &quot;man of the match&quot;? 

:'''Piers''': No, it's the bill for my car. Pay today, or I'll start charging interest! 

:'''Janet''': Piers, aren't you forgetting something? George hit four sixes! 

:'''Piers''': Oh, yes! (He produces another envelope and gives it to George) And this is the bill for the pavillion window. 

:'''Janet''': I mean, he won you the game! Aw, you're not still upset that he played better than you? 

:'''Piers''': I could have played professionally! ''(Smugly)'' The day I gave up cricket and became a doctor, a lot of people were very sad indeed! 

:'''Janet''': Your patients, mainly! 

:'''Piers''': I was the best player on that pitch! Besides, cricket's a team game! ''(Smugly again)'' George would never beat me in direct competition! 

:'''Janet''': I think he can! 

:'''Piers''': Ten quid says he won't! ''(He turns to George)'' What are you like at tennis? 

:'''George''': Is that the one with the net? 

:'''Piers''': ''(Back to Janet)'' How about twenty quid? 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 

:'''Janet''': Now, Piers, just keep telling yourself that. 

:'''Piers''': You... You're right, Janet. I am not a loser... I... am not... a loser... 

:'''George''': Hi, Piers! Fancy a game of golf, or even squash? 

:'''Piers''': I AM a loser! I AM a loser!

===The Living Dead===

:'''George''': You are going to be so proud of me! 

:'''Janet''': Why do those words always scare me? 

:'''George''': I've got myself a pension, it's brilliant! The pension man said if I pay in until I'm 65, then they'll pay me for the rest of my life! That's 897 years! 

:'''Janet''': ''(sarcastically)'' Fantastic! 

:'''George''': Oh, and even better! I've got myself some life insurance! 

:'''Janet''': George, there's no point! You'll never collect! 

:'''George''': Oh, I will with this one! The way he explained it was like this: I pay them £100 a month, and then, if I fall under a bus, they pay you £60,000! So I paid him the £100, and I went straight out and fell under the first bus I could find! You can collect whenever you like! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[George was 'dead' for ten minutes and then came back to life. It turns out he has a heart defect which means both his hearts stop for a few minutes before starting up again]'' 

:'''Tyler''': Oh, master! You have died and come back to life! Truly you are like he who has gone before you! 

:'''George''': Who's that then? 

:'''Tyler''': [[E.T.]]! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[A man enters the health centre with a bump on his head]'' 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Yeah, name? 

:'''Man''': I know this might sound odd, but I'm afraid I don't know my name! I've just been mugged and I've lost my memory! Do you think I could see the doctor? 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': You one of his patients? 

:'''Man''': Well, I don't know! As I say, I've lost my memory! 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Can't help you, then! Bye! 

:''[The man exits, Janet and George enter]''

:'''Janet''': Oh dear, he didn't look too good!

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Who, Mr. Davies? No, he didn't did he? 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 

:''[after George has had a heart attack in the surgery waiting room]'':

:'''Piers''': Time of death 9:44. I really am very sorry.

:'''Mrs Raven''': Actually it's 9:42

:'''Piers''': It's 9:44

:'''Mrs Raven''':  No, it's definately 9:42

:'''Ella''': I make it 9:51

:'''Mrs Raven''': Don't be stupid it's 9:42

:'''Ella''': Don't you call me stupid, it's 9:51

:'''Piers''': It's 9:44. Look George makes it 9:44

:'''Ella''': Janet, what time do you make it?

:'''Janet''': What?!

:'''Mrs Raven''':  Well now it's 9:43

:''[Piers starts to imitate a chicken after being hypnotised]'':

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[Janet’s parents are coming over to 'comfort' her over losing George when he 'dies' in front of everyone. George is lying in a coffin in the front room]'' 

:'''George''': Tyler, listen! Janet's parents will be here in a moment, and I need your help! 

:'''Tyler''': I would do anything in the world for you, Master! Anything at all! 

:'''George''': Good! Can you keep a secret? 

:'''Tyler''': No. 

:'''George''': Well, just try! The thing is, I'm pretending to be dead! 

:'''Tyler''': You're not pretending very well, Master! I can see you moving! 

:'''George''': No, no, I'm not pretending to you, I'm pretending to everyone else! 

:'''Tyler''': They can see you moving as well! 

:'''George''': Not the people in this room! I'm pretending to everyone not in this room! 

:'''Tyler''': But they're not in this room! 

:'''George''': No, but they will be! 

:'''Tyler''': Oh, right! 

:'''George''': So you all know I'm alive, but when Janet's parents turn up, what are you going to tell them? 

:'''Tyler''': You're pretending to be dead! 

:'''George''': No! I really am dead! 

:'''Tyler''': You really are dead? So I'm hallucinating again? 

:''[The doorbell rings. Janet goes to answer it.]'' 

:'''Janet''': They're here! Quick, lie down! 

:'''George''': Arnie, explain it to him! 

:'''Arnie''': Tyler, how can I explain this in a way you'll understand? 

:''[A pause, then Arnie punches Tyler]'' 

:'''Arnie''': I can't!

===Taking the Credit===

:''[George and Janet are chronically in debt]'' 

:'''George''': I've solved our problem. I've consolidated all our debts into one easy payment! 

:'''Janet''': Oh, no! Not with one of those companies that advertises on the telly! 

:'''George''': No, no, Janet. I've heard all about them. That's why I went to this disused warehouse, and met a bloke called &quot;Big Reg&quot;! 

:'''Janet''': What? 

:'''George''': Now, we only have to pay £3,000... 

:'''Janet''': That's brilliant! 

:'''George''': ...a month, for the next ten years! It's all part of Big Reg's &quot;Miss a payment, Lose a limb!&quot; plan! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 

:'''Tyler''': I used to be poor. Back when I were a farmer. Eventually, we got so poor, my mum sent me to market with our one remaining cow. So I took it to market, and on the way there I met a bloke who bought it off me for some magic beans! When I took them home, my mum was so furious she threw them out of the window...  

:'''Janet''': No, don't tell me! When you woke up the next morning, they'd grown into a massive beanstalk! 

:'''Tyler''': No! They weren't magic at all! What a swizz! 

:'''George''': It's OK, if you paid for them with a credit card, you're automatically covered...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[Later on, Arnie suggests that to solve the family's financial 'crisis', Ollie should fix the numbers so they 'win' the lottery]'' 

:'''Tyler''': Don't do it! My life was hell when I won! 

:'''Janet''': You won the lottery? What did you do with the money? 

:'''Tyler''': I bought some more magic beans... 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 

:''[At their celebration party]''

:'''George''': Tyler, I hope you liked those Ultronian magic beans I bought you. They really are magic, you know! 

:'''Tyler''': Magic? They were delicious! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 

:'''Janet''': Did you get rid of all those begging letters? 

:'''George''': Yes. There was even one for you, Janet, asking for £5,000. But I just wrote back to them, and told them to get stuffed! 

:'''Janet''': Well done! 

:'''George''': By the way, who ''are'' the Inland Revenue? 

:''[Janet's eyes widen]''

===It's All in the Mind===

:'''Tyler''': I raised money for charity for people with psychiatric problems. Like I said to Gandalf, the other day, there but for the grace of God. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 

:''(after George wants telepathy to check whether someone is lying or not)''

:'''Tyler''': Brilliant master, do it, do it.

:'''Janet''': You want him to know what you're thinking?

:'''Tyler''': Oh yeah, so he can tell me, 'cause I don't know what I'm thinking.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': ''(thinking)'' What shall I do on Sunday? Oh, I know, I'll take Mum out. Take her on a nice drive down to Margate... and leave her there! I'll teach her to forget my birthday!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Stanley''': ''(thinking)'' The 5 iron's best i reckon, or maybe a 4. No, definately a 5. Hit her over the head with a five iron and then bury her under the patio

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 

:''(after George has been told, thanks to his damning end of year report on humanity, that the Earth is to be destroyed in 22 hours, this shocks Janet, especially as George received an commendation for the quality of his report)''

:'''Janet''': BIG BLOODY DEAL! Blow up the earth?!

:'''George''': I thought they were overreacting, personally.

:'''Janet''': OVERREACTING?!

:'''George''': There's no need to shout, Janet.

:'''Janet''': OF COURSE I'll shout, they gonna blow up the earth!

:'''George''': I thought they'd just punish you in the usual way.

:'''Janet''': What do you mean?

:'''George''': Who do you think sent [[W: David Dickinson|David Dickinson]]?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''George''': Look, it's not the end of the world. Oh, no, silly me, it is.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

===Big===

:''(Mrs Raven has her head down, a patient is walking towards her)''

:'''Patient''': Excuse me

:''(Mrs Raven looks up, she looks bored)''

:'''Mrs Raven''': What?

:''(Patient is holding a small urine sample jar)''

:'''Patient''': The Doctor asked me for a sample

:''(Mrs Raven briefly looks at it before looking back at the Patient)''

:'''Mrs Raven''': You missed

:'''Patient''': It's just that I...can't go

:''(Mrs Raven's mood is getting more sinister, she is starting to give an evil smile)''

:'''Mrs Raven''': And you want something to help you?

:'''Patient''': Yeah

:''(Mrs Raven brings out a nasty looking device with a corkscrew at one end, this gives the Patient a large urge to go to the toilet, he runs to the toilet)''

:'''Patient''': Thanks!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 

:''(Ollie is suffering from accelerated growth, Arnie doesn't know what it is, after Tyler says it's Neptune Flu, Janet shouts at him)''

:'''Arnie''': Remember when I told about the Devil Women of Zytog?

:'''Tyler''': After mating, they rip off their men's heads and use them for fruit bowls.

:'''Arnie''': Pussy cats compared to a worried earth mom.

:''(Tyler looks at Janet with a concerned look)''

:'''Tyler''': Message Received.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Dr Chelsea has told the others that Ollie's second heart has collapsed, unless she gets a transplant, she's dead, Dr Chelsea says that George is one of the compatile doners, George offers to give her one of his hearts)''

:'''Arnie''': Losing a heart has gotta affect your superpowers.

:'''Dr Chelsea''': he'll be able to deal with most emergancys as long as they happen within the M25.

:'''Arnie''': You're indespensible, how are you gonna feel if a disaster comes and loads of people are killed.

:'''Janet''': This is our daughter.

:'''George''': That's right, what's the point in saving the world, if I can't even save my own child.

:'''Arnie''': There might be another way, who's the other doner?

:''(Dr Chelsea checks her device)''

:'''Dr Chelsea''': You.

:'''Arnie''': You're not dispensible, go on! give her your heart!

:'''George''': Don't worry, I'm not going to ask you to do it.

:'''Arnie''': You know I would but...I only got one heart.

:'''Janet''': What happened to your other one?.

:'''Arnie''': There was this poker game and the stakes got a little heavy and...I really DID leave my heart in San Francisco.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(after Arnie is apprehensive about replacing his heart with a mechanical one)''

:'''Janet''': What? A child dies? Earth loses it's greatest defender or you have to have an oil change every 10 billion beats?! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Janet''': Olivia was lovely, but it's great to have my baby boy back (to Arnie) And how are you?

:'''Arnie''': Fine.
:''(A patient's mobile phone rings. Arnie vibrates on the spot)''
:'''Arnie''': Answer it! Answer it! 
:''(turns back to George and Janet)''
:'''Arnie''': Dr. Chelsea said that'll stop happening in a day or two.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

===Space Virus===

:''(After George, Janet, Arnie and Tyler have found out that Mrs Raven has become 'The Raven' and has just dumped Walt Disney World in the heart of Siberia)''

:'''Arnie''': Let's see if I've got this right, your parents have refused to do rescues in China?

:'''Janet''': They say it's full of Communists.

:'''George''': And the Raven just snatched all the nuns from the vatican and flew them to the late night floor show in Las Vegas

:'''Arnie''': Did they watch it?

:'''George''': WATCH it? they were IN it!

:'''Janet''': And this morning, she wizzed round to all the cinemas and swapped the last reel of Harry Potter for night of the living dead

:'''Tyler''': I thought Harry didn't look so good towards the end

===The Mayor of Northholt===

:''[Arnie is running George's campaign to be elected mayor, but Mrs. Raven is running Piers' campaign...]'' 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': How will you be voting in the election? 

:'''Patient''': I don't know, I... I've not decided. 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Well, put it this way. Those voting for Dr. Crispin will be seen within 20 minutes. &quot;Don't know&quot; is in 3 hours, and if you're voting for George Sunday, you're looking at Christmas 2012! Now, does that help you decide? 

:'''Patient''': Yes, er, thank you! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 

:''[Ella and Stanley go up to the reception desk]'' 

:'''Stanley''': I think we missed our turn again. We need some more sleeping pills. Something a bit stronger. 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': But you've already had enough to kill a small rhinoceros! 

:'''Stanley''': ''(looks at Ella)'' Nope, she's still standing. 

:'''Ella''': Look, I've got a migraine now! I need something for that as well. 

:'''Stanley''': And I need something for this earache! 

:'''Ella:''' What brought that on? 

:'''Stanley''': You moaning about your migraine! 

:''[George enters with his election poster]'' 

:'''George''': Mrs. Raven, is it alright if I put up my poster? 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Suit yourself... 
:''(George goes to pin it up on top of Piers' poster)''
:'''Mrs. Raven''': Do you mind if I break both your legs? 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Arnie''': What we need is a slogan. Something that deals with the issues... Got it! &quot;Piers has sex with badgers!&quot; 

:'''George''': Now, come on, Arnie, we can't prove that! Can we? I want a slogan that's truthful.

:'''Janet''': OK, how about &quot;Trust me, I'm an alien?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[Arnie puts up a George poster in the street, but Mrs. Raven then pastes a Piers one over it.]'' 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Outta my way, scumbag! 

:'''Arnie''': Get lost, pitbull! 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': This is my patch! 

:'''Arnie''': Oh, yeah? Says who? 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Says me and this 5 litre bucket of poster glue! 

:'''Arnie''': It's ''you'' who's gonna get a pasting! You couldn't even run a bath, let alone a campaign, toadface! 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': I haven't even started yet, bogbrain! 

:''[She storms off. Arnie and Tyler watch her go.]'' 

:'''Tyler''': And they say the standard of political debate has gone down...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 

:''[Mrs. Raven threatens Arnie if George wins]''

:'''George''': She's up to something. Something we haven't thought of. 

:'''Tyler''': Edible ballots... ''(gasps)'' She's gonna eat our votes! 

:'''Arnie''': Don't be ridiculous! 

:'''Tyler''': Well, it's something we hadn't thought of...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[Piers and George at th Mayor's debate]''

:'''Piers''':  Hello, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Mayorol Debate

:'''George''': Oh, I haven't heard so much rubbish in all me life

:'''Piers''': We haven't started yet

:'''George''': Oh?  Sorry.

===Time and Time Again===

:'''George:''' We've had some terrible news. Apparently, the sun's spun out of orbit and we're all going to die.

:'''Mrs. Raven:''' Good, I hate this planet.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''George:''' When I fixed your arm, you turned bald

:'''Janet:''' Attractively bald?

:'''George:''' You looked like TYLER!!!

:'''Tyler:''' That's lucky, you could have looked terrible.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Series 5== 

====Brain Drain==== 

:''(After Arnie reveals George and Janet's new computer which is connected to a large complex machine that is beyond Earth technology)''

:'''Janet''': Out of laptops were they?!

:'''Arnie''': Well, Your normal family computer is there, but you're not a normal family, so i thought i add some Ultronian accessories, you know, like extra processing power, Virtual Reality headsets, Laser death beam...

:'''Janet''': Laser death beam?

:'''Arnie''': You'll think of a use for it

:'''Janet''': I think i just have!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Mrs Raven is finshing one of her usual calls)''

:'''Mrs Raven''': Goodbye!

:'''Janet''': Busy morning?

:'''Mrs Raven''': A succession of Nuisence calls, you know the sort of thing, ''&quot;Help! my underpants are on fire!&quot;'', been two ''death threats'' and even a ''bomb scare''.

:'''Janet''': Not much you can do.

:'''Mrs Raven''': I could stop making them, but then I'd just get bored.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Piers''': Oh, it's that time of the year again.

:'''Mrs Raven''': You've CURED SOMEONE!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(After Piers tells Janet and Mrs Raven that Tyler is painting the waiting room of the health centre)''

:'''Janet''': Tyler, you're not trained as a decorator.

:'''Tyler''': I'm not trained as a nanny, but you let me look after your kids.

:'''Janet''': Yeah, but this is serious. You need to do a good job.

:'''Tyler''': I know, I know someone who does that decorating on the TV. He give me some tips.

:'''Janet''': Who do you know, Laurence Llewelyn Bowen?!

:'''Tyler''': No, the Dulux dog, we go out for drinks sometimes.

:'''Janet''': Right, and what tips did he give you.

:'''Tyler''': Eh, never sniff another dogs bottom without asking permission.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(After George tells Janet a ridiculous conspiracy theory after reading the entire internet)''

:'''Janet''': Most of those conspiracy theories are rubbish, George!

:'''George''': So, it's NOT true that aliens walk the earth in human form?

:'''Janet''': No, THAT'S true, you ARE one.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Piers walks into the health centre and is disgusted by Tylers awful mural)''

:'''Piers''': What the HELL is that!

:'''Tyler''': This is a health centre, so I came up with a design that represents &quot;sickness&quot;.

:'''Piers''': Well, it certainly does that, Tyler.

:'''Tyler''': Thank you.

:'''Piers''': It looks like you've vomited up the wall.

:'''Tyler''': Yeah, but that's only part of my tachnique. 

:'''Piers''': GET RID OF IT!

:'''Tyler''': WHAT?!

:'''Piers''': You were meant to paint the walls &quot;Harvest Yellow&quot;, not &quot;Mucus Green&quot;.

:'''Tyler''': EVERYONES A CRITIC!

:'''Piers''': And you'd better finish it today, else I'll be practising medicine out of the back of the van outside some waste grounds and I don't want to go back to those days! THAT'LL make my patients sicker than when they came IN!

:'''Mrs Raven''': And that's your job.

:''(Paints a vertical green &quot;St Andrews&quot; cross on Peirs suit)''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Janet, Tyler and Piers have had their brains filtered, but then the neuro-filtration device overloads as it is used on Mrs Raven)''

:'''George''': What's happened?

:'''Arnie''': Uh. Oh, I think I underestimated the amount of pure evil in Mrs Raven's brain

:''(Arnie believes the device is damaged beyond repair, is thankful that the others are filtered)''

:'''George''': Is everyone alright? okay, come on Janet, let's get you home.

:'''Janet (In Piers body)''': Okay.

:'''George''': What are you doing?

:'''Janet (In Piers body)''': Oh I'm tired George, let's have an early night.

:'''George''': What?!

:'''Janet (In Piers body)''': Actually, I'm not that tired, but we can have an early night anyway.

:''(looking at Janet's body)''

:'''George''': Are you alright?

:''(Janet's body has a scouce accent)''

:'''Tyler (in Janet's body)''': Fine, in fact I feel great, master.

:'''George''': Great, who?

:'''Tyler (in Janet's body)''': Master.

===Fear and Clothing===

:''[The doorbell rings. George goes to answer it.]'' 

:'''Cassie''': Uh oh! It's Tyler, everybody hide! 

:'''Tyler''': Master, I bring terrible news! You know the Northholt Women's Institute? They've brought out one of those calendars! ''(He shows it to George)''

:'''George''': That's a bit silly! Someone should have told those women they've got no clothes on! And so close to that blender as well! 

:'''Janet''': Isn't my mother in the WI? 

:'''Tyler''': Yeah. Don't look at October! But look at tomorrow's date! It's [[Friday the 13th]]! The unluckiest date of all! If you walk under a ladder or past a black cat, terrible things will happen! 

:'''George''': Oh, come on Tyler! Ladders and black cats! What else do we avoid on this Friday the 13th? 

:'''Tyler''': Well, if you spill salt, you should always throw a bit over your shoulder! 

:'''Janet''': Don't put new shoes on the table, avoid walking on the cracks in the pavement, that sort of thing. 

:'''Tyler''': Don't make woodland animals out of marzipan. 

:'''Janet''': What? 

:'''Tyler''': Don't dance on linoleum, don't throw hedge clippings at sparrows, don't whistle within six foot of a carpet warehouse, and at all costs whatever else happens, don't play the trombone on a bus.

:'''Cassie''': I told you to hide! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[Piers has lauched a diet book and distributes it to his patients.]'' 

:'''Janet''': ''(To Mrs. Raven)'' I suppose you're in on this scam, are you? 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': No, Janet! How could you think such a thing of me? 

:'''Janet''': ''(Looking at the book)'' I suppose that means you're ''not'' the &quot;Mrs. R.&quot; in this book who says she's lost 25lbs in one day? 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': ''(Looking away)'' Might be. 

:'''Janet''': That was the day your triplets were born, wasn't it? 

:''[A pause]'' 

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Might have been.


&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''George''': What did they teach you at nurses school?

:'''Janet''': Well, from memory it went something like this: Get out of bed, you big wuss, you've only got a cut finger.

===Big Bother=== 

:'''Tyler''': Mistress, I need your help, I'm a bit scared! 

:'''Janet''': Tyler, for the last time, you are '''not''' shrinking! Our children are ''growing'', that's why they seem bigger!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Series 6==

===Top of the Table===

:''(Ella has gone into the nurses office, waiting for Stanley to join her in a game of &quot;Doctors and nurses, while the health centre has become a speakeasy during Thermoman's &quot;prohibition&quot;, both she and Stanley are drunk, Mrs Raven serves him some of her Homemade booze)''

:'''Stanley''': Give me another, my eyesight is coming back.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

===Believe===

:''(George's head has just exploded, a failsafe to prevent him from getting too &quot;Big-headed&quot;)''

:'''Janet''': It's hard to say but I think all the arrogance has gone.

:'''Arnie''': An exploding head can do that.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(after a selection of spare heads is shown to Janet, she notices that one is missing)''

:'''Janet''': There's one missing

:'''Tyler''': Oh please let me keep her, they must've sent her by mistake.

:'''Janet''': Isn't that Anne Robinson?

:'''Arnie''': Go on, take her, no one's gonna miss her.

:'''Tyler''': C'mon Anne, We'll have an early night, eh.

:''(Tyler take the &quot;Anne Robinson&quot; head with him)''

==Cast==
*[[w:Ardal O'Hanlon|Ardal O'Hanlon]] - Thermoman/George (Series 1-5)
*[[w:James Dreyfus|James Dreyfus]] - Thermoman/George (Series 6)
*[[w:Emily Joyce|Emily Joyce]] - Janet
*[[w:Hugh Dennis|Hugh Dennis]] - Dr. Piers Crispin
*[[w:Geraldine McNulty|Geraldine McNulty]] - Mrs. Raven
*[[w:Lou Hirsch|Lou Hirsch]] - Arnie
*[[w:Phillip Whitchurch|Phillip Whitchurch]] - Tyler
*[[w:Lill Roughley|Lill Roughley]] - Ella Dawkins
*[[w:Tim Wylton|Tim Wylton]] - Stanley Dawkins

==External links==
{{wikipedia|My Hero (UK TV series)}}
*{{imdb title|0233084|My Hero}}
*[http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/myhero/ ''My Hero''] at BBC Online

[[Category:UK sitcoms]]
[[Category:BBC shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]</text>
      <sha1>59nseo5xh495atzpqo0msm645y0npc2</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Curtis LeMay</title>
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      <text bytes="23777" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Curtis LeMay (USAF).jpg|thumb|Every soldier thinks something of the moral aspects of what he is doing. But all war is immoral and if you let that bother you, you're not a good soldier.
]]
'''[[w:Curtis LeMay|Curtis LeMay]]''' ([[w:November 15|November 15]], [[w:1906|1906]] – [[w:October 3|October 3]], [[w:1990|1990]]) was a [[w:General (United States)|general]] in the [[w:United States Air Force|United States Air Force]] and the vice presidential running mate of [[w:American Independent Party|American Independent Party]] candidate [[George Wallace]] in the [[w:United States presidential election, 1968|1968 presidential election]]. During [[World War II]], he was known for planning and executing a [[w:Air Raids on Japan|massive bombing campaign against cities in Japan]] and a [[w:Operation Starvation|crippling minelaying campaign]] in Japan's internal waterways. After the war, he initiated  the [[w:Berlin airlift|Berlin airlift]], then reorganized the [[w:Strategic Air Command|Strategic Air Command]] (SAC) into an effective instrument of [[w:Nuclear warfare|nuclear war]]. He served as Chief of Staff of the U.S. Air Force from 1961 until his retirement in 1965.

== Quotes ==
[[File:Curtis LeMay 1940s.jpg|thumb|A weapon is a weapon and it really doesn't make much difference how you kill a man. If you have to kill him, well, that's the evil to start with and how you do it becomes pretty secondary. I think your choice should be which weapon is the most efficient and most likely to get the whole mess over with as early as possible.]]
* There are no innocent civilians. It is their government and you are fighting a people, you are not trying to fight an armed force anymore.  So it doesn't bother me so much to be killing the so-called innocent [[bystanders]].
** Sherry, Michael (September 10, 1989). &lt;i&gt;The Rise of American Air Power: The Creation of Armageddon&lt;/i&gt;, p. 287 (from &quot;LeMay's interview with Sherry,&quot; interview &quot;after the war,&quot; p. 408 n. 108). Yale University Press. ISBN-13: 978-0300044140.

* My solution to the problem would be to tell [the North Vietnamese Communists] frankly that they've got to draw in their horns and stop their aggression or we're going to bomb them into the Stone Age. And we would shove them back into the Stone Age with Air power or Naval power—not with ground forces.
** ''Mission With LeMay: My Story'' (1965), p. 565. In an interview two years after the publication of this book, General LeMay said, &quot;I never said we should bomb them back to the Stone Age. I said we had the capability to do it. I want to save lives on both sides&quot;; reported in ''The Washington Post'' (October 4, 1968), p. A8. Many years later LeMay would claim that this was his ghost writer's overwriting.

* Killing Japanese didn't bother me very much at that time... I suppose if I had lost the war, I would have been tried as a war criminal.... '''Every soldier thinks something of the moral aspects of what he is doing. But all war is immoral and if you let that bother you, you're not a good soldier.'''
** On the morality of the firebombing campaign [http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/amex/bomb/peopleevents/pandeAMEX61.html])

* I'd like to see a more aggressive attitude on the part of the United States. That doesn't mean launching an immediate preventive war...
** ''Mission with LeMay: My Story'' (1965), p. 559.

* ...Native annalists may look sadly back from the future on that period when we had the atomic bomb and the Russians didn't. Or when the Russians had acquired (through connivance and treachery of Westerns with warped minds) the atomic bomb - and yet still didn't have any stockpile of the weapons. That was the era when we might have destroyed Russia completely and not even skinned our elbows doing it.
** '' Mission with LeMay: My Story'' (1965), p. 560-561.

* China has The Bomb. [...] Sometime in the future--25, 50, 75 years hence--what will the situation be like then? By that time the Chinese will have the capability of delivery too. That's the reason some schools of thinking don't rule out a destruction of the Chinese military potential before the situation grows worse than it is today. It's bad enough now.
** ''Mission with LeMay: My Story'' (1965), p. 561.

* We went over there and fought the war and eventually burned down every town in [[North Korea]] anyway, someway or another, and some in [[South Korea]] too.… Over a period of three years or so, we killed off — what — twenty percent of the population of Korea as direct casualties of war, or from starvation and exposure?
**''Strategic Air Warfare: An Interview with Generals'' (1988), p. 88.

* If I see that the [[Russia]]ns are amassing their planes for an attack, I'm going to knock the shit out of them before they take off the ground.
** Conversation with presidential commissioner Robert Sprague (September 1957), quoted in Kaplan, F. (1991). ''The Wizards of Armageddon''. Stanford University Press. Page 134.

* We’re at war with Japan. We were attacked by Japan. Do you want to kill Japanese, or would you rather have Americans killed?
** From his autobiography, also requoted in Rhodes, 'The Making of the Atomic Bomb', p. 596

* She [America] escaped the ruin visited upon other nations because she was given time to prepare and because of distance. [In the next war] distance will be academic [and no preparation time, too].
** November 19th 1945 New York speech, as quoted in 'Dark Sun' p.227 (sadly, direct link to the page to read was denied by Wikipedia).

* As far as casualties were concerned I think there were more casualties in the first attack on [[Tokyo]] with incendiaries than there were with the first use of the atomic bomb on Hiroshima. The fact that it's done instantaneously, maybe that's more humane than incendiary attacks, if you can call any war act humane. I don't, particularly, so to me there wasn't much difference. '''A weapon is a weapon and it really doesn't make much difference how you kill a man. If you have to kill him, well, that's the evil to start with and how you do it becomes pretty secondary. I think your choice should be which weapon is the most efficient and most likely to get the whole mess over with as early as possible.'''
** ''The World at War: the Landmark Oral History from the Classic TV Series'', p. 574

* I'll tell you what war is about, you've got to kill people, and when you've killed enough they stop fighting.
** Quoted by Richard Rhodes in [[Wikipedia: The Making of the Atomic Bomb]]

*Apply whatever force it is necessary to employ, to stop things quickly. The main thing is ''stop it''. The quicker you stop it, the more lives you save.
** ''Mission with LeMay: My Story'' (1965), p. 565.

*Actually, I think it's more immoral to use ''less'' force than necessary, than it is to use ''more''.  if you use less force, you kill off more of humanity in the long run, because you are merely protracting the struggle.
** ''Mission with LeMay: My Story'' (1965), p. 382.

* Any Ivy League academy asshole can issue orders and take the credit. What matters is when you place your own ass on the line, and your men know that you are not some armchair commander asking them to risk death while you enjoy the good life. Morale is everything, and you do not build it by typing goddamned reports and having cocktail parties. Strange, LBJ, and that ilk were like that. Those motherfuckers were whores paid to screw the public. And you know what? They never lost one night's sleep over it. They never had their ass in danger, and they never waited for the knock on the door telling them that their son was killed, all because some asshole with an Ivy League degree and a champagne glass in his hand decided that their boy did not need the money or weapons or even the fucking political support to stay alive.
** From a 1986 interview with Colin Heaton, as quoted by Colin Heaton and Anne-Marie Lewis, ''Above The Reich: Deadly Dogfights, Blistering Bombing Raids, and Other War Stories from the Greatest American Air Heroes of World War II, in Their Own Words'' (2021), p. 348-349

* You know the difference between a politician and a statesman? Here is the LeMay definition: a politician is a high-profile hooker looking for money to fund a campaign so that he can be in position to be owned by a political party, doing their bidding like a slave. Johnson fit that category. A statesman is a politician whose allegiance is only to their nation, and who, despite the feelings of others, does what he believes in his gut is in the best interest of his country, politics be damned. That even means doing something that may cost him his career, but he takes the moral high ground as he sees it, to do what must be done. That was Churchill. That's the difference. Ronald Reagan is a statesman, and make a note of it- we may not have any more in the future. They are a damned dying breed. That also applies to military commanders. You can have a charismatic, friendly, and amiable type of leader, but that is a difficult position to hold when you have to maintain discipline. It can be done, but it is hard. Then there is the hard-ass, no-holds-barred, get-it-fucking-done leader who pushes his men and expects ever-better results afterward. The easygoing leader may be liked more by his men, but the hard-ass will sure as shit have their attention, and if she shares the dangers with them, he will have their respect. Respect is everything.
** From a 1986 interview with Colin Heaton, as quoted by Colin Heaton and Anne-Marie Lewis, ''Above The Reich: Deadly Dogfights, Blistering Bombing Raids, and Other War Stories from the Greatest American Air Heroes of World War II, in Their Own Words'' (2021), p. 349

*Dear Rosy, In June Strategic Air Command had fourteen accidents. Eleven of the fourteen were in the Fifteenth Air Force. Do something. Sincerely, Curtis E. LeMay, Lieutenant General, USAF, Commanding.
** From a letter to Maj Gen Emmett O'Donnell Jr., Commanding General 15th AF

== Quotes about LeMay ==
[[File:SAC Shield.svg|thumb|No other U.S. military force commander so imprinted his personality and ideals upon his organization as did LeMay. SAC became LeMay personified- but only after tremendous effort on his part. There were no criticisms of his intellect or industry, nor any suggestion of patronage, but the hard, and often seemingly cold, manner in which he drove SAC gave rise to many stories about him, most of them apocryphal. ~ Walter J. Boyne]]
[[File:Boeing KB-50J in flight.jpg|thumb|When the author joined the Strategic Air Command in January 1953, as a green second lieutenant freshly graduated from flying school, he was puzzled by the flying club atmosphere. Flying the big Boeing B-50s was done as a sport, radar bombing, navigation, and gunnery scores were fudged, and the principle occupation seemed to be playing hearts in the briefing room. Then one bright day Lemay's inspection team came in. Heads rolled, rigorous standards were introduced and enforced, and reporting became squeaky clean. Oddly enough, everyone still retaining his head was happier with the new system. ~ Walter J. Boyne]]
[[File:Senator Goldwater 1960.jpg|thumb|I used to receive a hundred calls a year from people who wanted me to get into the Green Room at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base, because that's where the Air Force stored all the material gathered on UFOs. I once asked Curtis LeMay if I could get in that room, and he just gave me holy hell. He said, 'Not only can't you get into it but don't you ever mention it to me again.' ~ [[Barry Goldwater]]]]
[[File:Robin Olds during vietnam war.jpg|thumb|When LeMay scared the hell out of his people, he made something out of them that I don't think was their true nature. He made them cringe and hide the truth. He made them say, &quot;Yes, sir, yes, sir,&quot; becoming chronic liars protecting their own skins... I had a bunch of really great friends in SAC, but a big group of guys were developed into people who were afraid to think for themselves. They damn near destroyed the air force in the process. ~ Robin Olds]]

* '''No other U.S. military force commander so imprinted his personality and ideals upon his organization as did LeMay. SAC became LeMay personified- but only after tremendous effort on his part. There were no criticisms of his intellect or industry, nor any suggestion of patronage, but the hard, and often seemingly cold, manner in which he drove SAC gave rise to many stories about him, most of them apocryphal.''' In 1951, at the age of forty-six, he was confirmed as a full four-star general, the youngest since Ulysses S. Grant. LeMay was &quot;the Iron Eagle&quot; to his admirers, and simply &quot;Iron Ass&quot; to detractors who feared him. Some of his seemingly tough demeanor probably stemmed from a deadened nerve that left his face immobile and unsmiling. In practice, LeMay took better care of his troops than anyone else in the Air Force, and his tenure at SAC was filled with achievements such as improved housing, pay, recreation, promotion, medical care, and other vital personnel requirements. The most important assessment of LeMay was defined by the loyalty and the high morale of the people he commanded.
** Walter J. Boyne, ''Beyond the Wild Blue: A History of the U.S. Air Force 1947-1997'' (1997), p. 99

* After his retirement in 1965, LeMay ran as a Vice Presidential candidate in George Wallace's 1968 third-party bid, a move that tarnished his reputation in the eyes of many. One time, later in his life, he was in the company of several other retired four-star generals, including his former aide David C. Jones, himself a former Chief of Staff of the Air Force and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. The evening had been mellowed with some drinks, and the conversation took a daring turn- for retired or not, LeMay was still LeMay- to the question of why the general had supported Wallace. Jones recalls LeMay saying that he had not run because of political ambition- he had none, and knew that Wallace could only lose- but because he feared the direction the country would take if the Democratic candidate won. LeMay told the little group of intimates, friends for many long years, &quot;Don't tell me about George Wallace. I know all about George Wallace. I knew he had no chance of winning. But I ran with him anyway because I thought he could take enough votes away from Humphrey. Humphrey would have been a disaster for this country as President.&quot; Always the strategist, LeMay wanted to add enough strength to Wallace's ticket to split the Democratic vote and thus defeat Humphrey. In essence, LeMay was making a last great sacrifice, his political reputation, to serve his country's cause as he saw it.
** Walter J. Boyne, ''Beyond the Wild Blue: A History of the U.S. Air Force 1947-1997'' (1997), p. 99-100

* If his politics offended some, there could be no censure of his military record. No one, friend or foe, doubted for a moment that he made SAC into an elite force, capable of strategic operations on a scale never before conceived and conducted at a level of proficiency that became the standard for the USAF. Inevitably the USAF became the benchmark to which the Army and the Navy, not to mention many foreign armed forces around the world, would aspire... LeMay was a genius at organization, and the Management Control System (MCS) he installed at SAC Headquarters (and which was replicated at lower levels of command) is but one example of his style. The MCS gave LeMay the capability to spot every breakdown or potential breakdown within the SAC system, and because lower-echelon commanders were aware of his system and used it themselves, potential breakdowns were usually detected and corrected before they occurred. LeMay also had the capacity for choosing good subordinates, delegating authority to them and letting them do their job. Not all of his choices were popular. His deputy and later successor at SAC, General Thomas S. Power, had a reputation for cold-hearted efficiency that many considered bordering on sadism. LeMay knew that Power was tough- but he also knew that he got his job done, and that was what counted.
** Walter J. Boyne, ''Beyond the Wild Blue: A History of the U.S. Air Force 1947-1997'' (1997), p. 100

* When LeMay arrived to take over command, he was disappointed but not surprised at what he found- senior Air Force officers were aware that the Strategic Air Command in 1948 was woefully lacking in proficiency, discipline, and professionalism. He went to work immediately to correct things, using on-the-spot leadership to do so.
** Walter J. Boyne, ''Beyond the Wild Blue: A History of the U.S. Air Force 1947-1997'' (1997), p. 101

* Lemay's style was to have his best crews set the highest standards, then provide more than adequate training and flying time for other crews to reach those standards of proficiency. He also insisted on scrupulously accurate records and very demanding evaluation procedures, knowing that he had inherited an air force that had reflexively gone from the rigors of war to the pleasures of a really well equipped flying club, one that paid you for belonging. It was a long process, for SAC was expanding rapidly. When the author joined the Strategic Air Command in January 1953, as a green second lieutenant freshly graduated from flying school, he was puzzled by the flying club atmosphere. Flying the big Boeing B-50s was done as a sport, radar bombing, navigation, and gunnery scores were fudged, and the principle occupation seemed to be playing hearts in the briefing room. Then one bright day Lemay's inspection team came in. Heads rolled, rigorous standards were introduced and enforced, and reporting became squeaky clean. Oddly enough, everyone still retaining his head was happier with the new system.
** Walter J. Boyne, ''Beyond the Wild Blue: A History of the U.S. Air Force 1947-1997'' (1997), p. 102

* After the first [[w:Vietnam Day Committee|International Days of Protest]] in October, 1965, [[:w:Mike Mansfield|Senator Mansfield]] criticized the &quot;sense of utter irresponsibility&quot; shown by the demonstrators. He had nothing to say then, nor has he since, about the &quot;sense of utter irresponsibility&quot; shown by Senator Mansfield and others who stand by quietly and vote appropriations as the cities and villages of North Vietnam are demolished, as millions of refugees in the South are driven from their homes by American bombardment. He has nothing to say about the moral standards or the respect for international law of those who have permitted this tragedy. I speak of Senator Mansfield precisely because he is not a breast-beating superpatriot who wants America to rule the world, but is rather an American intellectual in the best sense, a scholarly and reasonable man -- the kind of man who is the terror of our age. Perhaps this is merely a personal reaction, but when I look at what is happening to our country, '''what I find most terrifying is not Curtis LeMay, with his cheerful suggestion that we bomb everybody back into the stone age,''' but rather the calm disquisitions of the political [[scientists]] on just how much force will be necessary to achieve our ends, or just what form of government will be acceptable to us in Vietnam. What I find terrifying is the detachment and equanimity with which we view and discuss an unbearable tragedy. We all know that if Russia or China were guilty of what we have done in Vietnam, we would be exploding with moral indignation at these monstrous crimes.
** [[Noam Chomsky]] &quot;[http://www.chomsky.info/articles/19671207.htm On Resistance]&quot;, ''The New York Review of Books,'' December 7, 1967.

* '''I used to receive a hundred calls a year from people who wanted me to get into the Green Room at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base, because that's where the Air Force stored all the material gathered on UFOs. I once asked Curtis LeMay if I could get in that room, and he just gave me holy hell. He said, 'Not only can't you get into it but don't you ever mention it to me again.''''
** [[Barry Goldwater]], quoted in ''The New Yorker'', April 25, 1988, p. 70

* An excellent pilot and officer equally capable in both combat and staff, LeMay was typical of the bomber-minded generals who emerged from World War II to dominate the Air Force during the Cold War.
** James F. Dunnigan &amp; Albert A. Nofi, ''The Pacific War Encyclopedia, Volume 1: A-L'' (1998), p. 363

* SAC had been established by belligerent old General Curt LeMay and General Tommy Power, both pronuclear nutcases. Under their rules, if a wing commander messed up even a little bit he was canned and gone forever, so SAC fostered attitudes about how tough they were. What they really did was made a bunch of liars out of many wing commanders, DMs, and DOs. Guys at wing level were scared people. They would lie, cheat, steal, and deny- anything to make themselves look good.
** Robin Olds, ''Fighter Pilot: The Memoirs of Legendary Ace Robin Olds'' (2010), with Christina Olds and Ed Rasimus, p. 372

* '''When LeMay scared the hell out of his people, he made something out of them that I don't think was their true nature. He made them cringe and hide the truth. He made them say, &quot;Yes, sir, yes, sir,&quot; becoming chronic liars protecting their own skins.''' Whom were these guys going to promote? Whom were they going to favor in their OER (Officer Effectiveness Report) system? It wouldn't be somebody better, or even someone similar to them. A man like that has to have somebody working for him that he can dominate, and he is inevitably going to pick a lesser individual. After about twenty years of this system the incest destroys the force. '''I had a bunch of really great friends in SAC, but a big group of guys were developed into people who were afraid to think for themselves. They damn near destroyed the air force in the process.'''
** Robin Olds, ''Fighter Pilot: The Memoirs of Legendary Ace Robin Olds'' (2010), with Christina Olds and Ed Rasimus, p. 374

* Eventually the decision was reached to accept the armed chopper as an essential part of the air mobility concept but not to allow the Army to use the Mohawk as an attack aircraft, confining it to a reconnaissance role. Both were wise decisions. But prior to these decisions there were some hot and emotional sessions of the JCS. One concerned the armed Huey, which as then being used successfully in Vietnam to support ARVN operations, but which was considered by the Air Force as illegal poaching on their roles and missions. This was in the midsummer of 1964. General LeMay suddenly took his cigar out of his mouth and, gesticulating wildly, challenged General Johnson to an aerial duel. He screamed, &quot;Johnson, you fly one of those damned Huey's and I'll fly an F-105, and we'll see who survives. I'll shoot you down and scatter your peashooter all over the goddamn ground.&quot; I was eager to defend my chief, both verbally and physically (LeMay would have made two Johnsons in body weight, if not in mental poundage) but Johnson motioned to me to keep quiet and responded quietly: &quot;I'm not a flier, but I will be happy to get qualified and take you on- we can agree on a time and place later. But let's not waste the valuable time of our colleagues on such a trivial matter.&quot;
** Bruce Palmer, Jr., in his book ''The 25-Year War: America's Military Role in Vietnam'' (1984), p. 27

==See also==
*[[Herman Kahn]]
*[[Bernard Brodie]]
*[[nuclear weapons]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}


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    <title>Dead Like Me</title>
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'''''[[w:Dead Like Me|Dead Like Me]]''''' was an (2003&amp;ndash;2004) American [[w:dramedy|dramedy]] show.

==Season 1==

===Pilot (1.1)===

:''[The camera closes in on cubicle land, where a teenage girl with a dull expression listens to her headset.]''
:'''George''': ''[voiceover]'' ''That's'' me. I'd say I'm sorry to disappoint you… but I'm not. I excel at not giving a shit. Experience has taught me that interest begets expectation, and expectation begets disappointment, so the key to ''avoiding'' disappointment is to avoid ''interest''. A equals B equals C equals A, or… whatever. I also don't have a lot of interest in being a good person or a bad person. From what I can tell, either way, you're screwed.
:''[Cut to a guy robbing a convenience store…]''
:'''George''': ''[voiceover]'' Bad people are punished by society's law.
:''[… only to find the police outside. Bad guy is shot dead. Cut to a woman, standing precariously on a picket fence to lure a treed cat with food.]''
:'''George''': ''[voiceover]'' And good people…
:'''Cat Woman''': Who's the pretty kitty? Ooh, ''you'' are. Come on, sweetheart.
:''[The woman falls off the fence. Pan down to the dead woman…]''
:'''George''': ''[voiceover]'' … are punished by Murphy's Law.
:''[… then over to the cat on the ground, eating the food. Cut back to the office.]''
:'''George''': ''[voiceover]'' So you see my dilemma.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[An aggressively cheery middle-aged woman approaches the morose George.]''
:'''Dolores''': Hi, I'm Dolores Herbig… as in &quot;her big…&quot;
:''[She points to her eyes, grinning.]''
:'''Dolores''': &quot;… brown eyes?&quot; I'll be your Happy Time career counselor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dolores''': Some college, huh?  Didn't finish? 
:'''George''': Some seemed like enough.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Referring to her nagging mother…]''
:'''George''': Who had the nerve to name you &quot;Joy&quot;?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[As a toilet seat from the re-entering [[w:Mir|Mir]] station plummets through the sky, George is awkwardly moving through a city plaza.]''
:'''George''': ''[voiceover]'' They say your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the moment before you die? That ''might'' be true if you're terminally ill, or your parachute doesn't open…
:''[She looks up to see the fireball heading straight for her.]''
:'''George''': ''[voiceover]'' … but if death sneaks up on you, the only thing you have time to think is…
:'''George''': Aw, shit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''George''': ''[voiceover]'' I didn't know what was more disturbing: being dead or the fact that the first man to touch my naked body was a coroner.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''George''': ''[voiceover]'' Everyone always says the same shit at funerals... they talk about how sweet, wonderful, and oh-so-full-of-life you were, how it was ''your time'' and you can't question God's plan... they never say anything bad.  You could be the biggest turd in the toilet bowl and you'd still come out smelling like a rose.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''George''': So what's next? Onward and upward?
:'''Rube''': Onward not upward. No pearly gates for you, no choirs of angels neither.
:'''George''': You dick! You're sending me to hell?!
:'''Rube''': Don't flatter yourself. You're not that interesting.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''George''': That's Roxy.  She could kick your ass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[seeing un-George for the first time]''
:'''George''': Who decides what we look like? 
:'''Mason''': I don't know. Maybe this is what our inner child looks like when it grows up. 
:'''George''': If that were the case, it looks like my inner child's road to adulthood was paved with crack cocaine, ten-dollar blowjobs, and maybe even a trick baby or two.

hi

=== Dead Girl Walking (1.2) ===

:'''George''': I've been dead for seven days.  Okay, that's a little dramatic.

&lt;hr width = &quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Roxy''': You know what your problem is?  You wake up every morning wondering what the world's gonna do for you, wondering who's gonna bend over backwards, kiss your ass and make you happy when you should just thank God for another day and leave it the fuck at that.

&lt;hr width = &quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Roxy''': Sir, I'm going to say this as politely as possible.  I will fuck you up.

&lt;hr width = &quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Rube''': Well, you really fucked the dog, Peanut.             
:'''George''': What?
:'''Rube''': What?  You had an appointment.
:'''George''': I didn't make an appointment.
:'''Roxy''': Beat her.
:'''Rube''': Doesn't matter who made the appointment.  You had an appointment.
:'''George''': Correct me if I'm wrong but- mission accomplished.
:'''Rube''': You're wrong.  That was me correcting you.
:'''George''': I'm confused.
:'''Roxy''': He's still in there, you silly bitch.
:''[Flashback to the dead man's soul screaming as he is forced to watch his own [[w:autopsy|autopsy]].]''
:'''George''': Holy shit!  Is he in pain?
:'''Rube''': Physically, no.  He's dead.  But emotionally, I imagine this sort of thing is pretty traumatic.

&lt;hr width = &quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Rube''': You like spaghetti, George?  I like spaghetti.  I like board games.  I like grabbing a [[w:trifecta|trifecta]] with that long shot on top...  that ozone smell you get from air purifiers...  and I like knowing the space between my ears is immeasurable...  [[w:Gustav Mahler|Mahler]]'s first, [[w:Leonard Bernstein|Bernstein]] conducting. You've got to think about all the things you like and decide whether they're worth sticking around for.  And if they are, you'll find a way to do this.
:'''George''': And what if I don’t?
:'''Rube''': Then you go away, and you don't get to like anything anymore.

=== Curious George (1.3) ===

:'''George''': Do you really care how it's going with me?
:'''Rube''': Sure, I make my face look like this and the concerned words come out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''George''': ''[voice over]'' One desperate attempt after another to find something in common with someone else and then cling. “Hey, you have ten fingers, I have ten fingers, let's be friends. We'll make rules and slogans. Then if we find someone with nine fingers, we can beat the crap out of them.”

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Joy''': You're just lucky we are not doing this with my mother, she used to make us practice smiling before we left the house.
:'''Reggie''': That's because she doesn't like your smile.
:'''Joy''': Did she tell you that?
:'''Reggie''': Yeah, she said it was fake.
:'''Joy''': That bitch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''George''': What would happen if everybody died?
:'''Mason''': What do you mean?
:'''George''': Like if we were the only ones left
:'''Mason''': Oh, like if the frogs ate everyone on the planet?
:'''George''': Yeah.
:'''Mason''': I reckon we'd be shoveling a lot of frog shit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''George''': So... my whole life, everything...  All I get to keep are thoughts and memories?
:'''Rube''': That's all we ever have, Peanut.

=== Reapercussions (1.4) ===

&lt;hr width = &quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Secretary''': I'm sorry Mr. Munroe isn't available.
:'''George''': Did you tell him it's important?
:'''Secretary''': Yes, but he's just on his way out of the office.
:'''George''': It'll only take a second. Please, I'll be quick.
:'''Secretary''': He's not gonna see you. He doesn't know who you are or what this is regarding.
:'''George''': I'm the girl his son drugged and it's regarding him videotaping me while homeless people had sex with my unconscious body.
:'''Secretary''': I'll double check.

&lt;hr width = &quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''George''': I was just calling you, to see if there was anything I could do to help. 
:'''George''': ''[voiceover]'' I became aware of the words only after they left my mouth.
:'''Dolores''': I like the way you show initiative, Millie. I like it a lot. I'd better watch my back, pretty soon you'll have my job.
:'''George''': Only after you get a promotion.
:'''Dolores''': Oh.
:'''George''': ''[voiceover]'' I felt dirty.

&lt;hr width = &quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mason''': I feel like I've been poisoned. Have you been poisoned?
:'''Rube''': No, not on purpose. I had some bad [[w:salmon|salmon]] once. I don't touch the stuff anymore.
:'''Mason''': Was it salmon mousse?
:'''Rube''': I don't know. It was canned.
:''[This is a reference to Monty Python's [[w:The Meaning of Life|Meaning of Life]] where the Grim Reaper tells some snobs that they all died from eating bad salmon mousse made with canned salmon]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rube''': You pulled the wrong piece out of the Jenga tower little girl. You know what a hiccup is?
:'''George''': Yes.
:'''Rube''': You got yourself a hiccup. Something happens that's not supposed to happen. System has to figure out what that something is and fix it. P. J. Monroe.
:'''George''': I'm sorry.
:'''Rube''': What'd you do? Slash his tires? Have him arrested?
:'''George''': I just talked to him.
:'''Rube''': Must have been some conversation.
:'''George''': I guess.
:'''Rube''': I hope it was worth it. What, you got the hots for the guy or something?
:'''George''': No!
:'''Rube''': What, he give you some money?
:'''George''': No! ''[looks away]''
:'''Rube''': Help...me...out.
:'''George''': I just wanted to see if I could do it?
:'''Rube''': I need somebody to give me lessons on how to communicate with you, Peanut, cuz I'm at a loss. The coin's in the slot, the gumball's on its way, and I'm plum out of wisdom. I'd start sleeping with the lights on if I were you.
:'''George''' ''[voiceover]'': I didn't know if that was a threat or a warning... Rube washed his hands of me. But that didn't mean I was off the hook. It only got worse. I broke the rules. The gravelings declared hunting season on my ass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mason is sitting in a booth, looking uncomfortable]''
:'''Roxy''': Are you ''high''?
:'''Mason''': ''[miserably]'' I've got illegals in my bottom.

&lt;hr width = &quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mason''': Heed his advice, and stay on his good side. He's like a volcano, George, he erupts and he spews lava on all the little villagers, they run around and, they run around for their lives. But, you know, he stops, and you can go back to the safety of your own home.

&lt;hr width = &quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mason''': I've seen him stay mad for years, but you're different, he likes you. He won't stay mad as long.
:'''George''': Well how long will he be mad for? Days? Weeks?
:'''Mason''': What's the one after that?
:'''Geroge''': Months?
:'''Mason''': Yeah, that one.

=== Reaping Havoc (1.5) ===

:'''Rube''': You don't mess with fate, Peanut. People die when they are meant to die. There's no discussion. There's no negotiation. When life's done, it's done. You of all people should know that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(George is at a meeting at work about scrapbooking and has a daydream.)
:'''George''': This is my work related scrapbook. (She opens to a page and points.) These are bone fragments I found in a telephone pole next to an exploded high voltage transformer. (Turns to another page.) And, this is from that nuclear reactor incident. I think it's a testicle!
:(Everyone in her daydream laughs.)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(Rube, George and Betty are at a Bowers family reunion trying to find M. J. Bowers.)
:'''Rube''': Is your name M. J.?
:'''Old Man Bowers''': What?
:'''Rube''': My friend tells me 'go say hello to M. J. he's standin over there' and she points to you.
:'''Old Man Bowers''': Which friend?
:'''Rube''': Right there. Pretty girl in the pant suit.
:(They look at George and George waves.)
:'''Old Man Bowers''': That one? I don't know her. Uh, what is she pointing at me for?
:'''Rube''': She thought you were M. J. Bowers. Are you?
:'''Old Man Bowers''': Who wants to know?
:'''Rube''': It's a family reunion. We're all family. I'm just askin' your name.
:'''Old Man Bowers''': I don't know you, sir!
:'''Rube''': Rube. Hi, how are you? Listen, I'm tired of fuckin' around. Is your name M. J. Bowers or not?
:'''Old Man Bowers'''(confused): Uh...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(George sees Dolores bring a basket to her cubicle.)
:'''George'''[voiceover]: If this is Murray the dead cat, I'm so outta here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt; 
:'''George''': Why do I keep losing all the things and people that I care about?
:'''Rube''': That's what life is, Peanut.

=== My Room (1.6) ===


:''[Rube, George and Mason are in Der Waffle Haus and Mason sees Daisy walk inside.]''
:'''Mason''': Oh, bloody hell.
:'''Daisy''': ''[To Casey, the waitress]'' Diet Coke, chipped ice, but not too much.
:'''Rube''': I think this is about Betty. I think George has her own [[w:Warren Commission|Warren Commission]] in her head and somehow has implicated me in Betty's disappearance. Am I right or am I right?
:'''George''': ''[To Rube]'' Can you pass me the ketchup?
:'''Mason''': ''[To Daisy]'' How you doin'?
:'''Daisy''': I don't think so.
:'''Rube''': ''[To George]'' That's all you want from me? The ketchup? 'Cuz the ketchup I can handle. But the guilt trip about Betty, that I can not. I don't know where Betty is.
:'''Mason''': ''[To Daisy]'' Ah- hem. Um, hello? I'm Mason.
:'''Daisy''': I ''don't'' think so.
:'''Mason''': ''[To George]'' What does that mean?
:'''George''': It means she hates you.
:'''Rube''': You lost your friend, Peanut, I'm sorry. Reapers come and go. That's life.
:'''George''': ''[voiceover]'' I missed Betty like crazy. I had a thousand and one questions, and I didn't know where to begin. Where was she? Was she o.k.? Was she coming back? What did Rube know? Somebody had to confront Rube and ask these questions. And, hopefully this person will be along soon.
:'''Daisy''': ''[To Casey]'' This isn't chipped ice.
:'''Casey''': We don't have chipped ice. All we got's cubes.
:'''Daisy''': Well, if you have cubes, and an ice pick, then you have chipped. Do you, Casey, have an ice pick?
:'''Casey''': Mm- hm. Ya. A nice one.
:'''Daisy''': Well, then I think we need to start over.
:'''Mason''': ''[To Casey]'' Uh, you see that Diet Coke? Thats on me.(To Daisy): I'm Mason.
:'''George''': ''[To Mason]'' You're a fuckin' moron.
:'''Daisy''': ''[To Rube]'' Is your name Rube?
:'''Rube''': It is.
:'''Daisy''': Well, I'm Daisy. Daisy Adair.
:'''Rube''': Well, you're two days early, Daisy Adair.
:'''Daisy''': Well, aren't you lucky?
:'''Rube''': This is Mason, as we know. And this is George. Daisy's one of us. Daisy's a reaper.
:'''Daisy''': ''[To George]'' George? Is that your given name?
:'''George''': Georgia.
:'''Daisy''': That's much prettier, I think I'll call you Georgia.
:'''George''': ''[voiceover]'' I hated her instantly. With all my guts.
:'''George''': What is she doing here?
:'''Rube''': She was transfered.
:'''George''': From...?
:'''Daisy''': New York! SoHo.
:'''George''': Why were you transfered?
:'''Daisy''': Well, that's kind of personal.
:'''Casey''': ''[To Daisy]'' One Diet Coke. Chipped ice.
:'''Daisy''': Thank you so much, Casey.
:'''Mason''': So, Daisy. Now, seriously, that Diet Coke is on me.
:(Daisy and Mason giggle and Daisy pours her Diet Coke on Mason.)
:'''Mason''': Ah!
:'''Daisy''': Excuse me, Miss! I need a refill.
:'''George''': ''[voiceover]'' I hated her a ''little'' less.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[George is standing outside the bathroom in her apartment, waiting, agitated, for Daisy to finish.]'':
:'''George''': You know Daisy, I have a job, I mean what do you do? 
:'''Daisy''': ''[Opens the door in a hurry, with a face masque on. Acting very Marilyn Monroe-ish.]'' Today I'm going to buy The New York Times, since you obviously don't have it delivered. Then I'm going to sit at that little corner shop and have a green tea and a muffin and then I'm going to look for a sweater set. This afternoon, if I'm so obligated, I’m going to collect someone's soul before they die. And if I look really pretty while I'm doing it well, then good for me. That's what I do, Georgia. ''[Slams the door shut]''
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angus the Cook''': Who's complaining about the eggs?
:'''Rube''': Oh, no complaints, just observations.
:'''Angus the Cook''': Such as?
:'''Rube''': The eggs are not good. Its normally a moot point at the a la carte price of $2.95. I love eggs. I love 'em fried, scrambled, soft-boiled, florentine. These I didn't love. So who do we blame - the hen or the cook? 
:''[Angus glares at Rube]''
:'''Rube''': Let's blame the hen.
:''[Angus walks away]''
:'''Rube''': ''[offhand]'' He's a nice guy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''George''': ''[shouting]'' Daisy? Listen, I have some things I want to say to you. You can't just move your shit into my apartment and kick me out of my own bed...
:'''Daisy''': ''[crying]'' I never ever get a break. My mother abandoned me. My father... was never a father. I never really had a real home or even a place that I felt like I belonged. Why can't I belong. Why can't you accept me? I just want you to hold me. This life has been a collection of...disappointments and...heartache.
:''[George tries to comfort Daisy and suddenly Daisy stops crying]''
:'''Daisy''': And scene. Whew! &quot;A collection of problems, ''disillusionment'' and unhappiness.&quot; Why do I always mutilate that line? Will you be a doll and help me run my lines? And please don't be afraid to stop me even if I'm off by one syllable, okay? Come on, it's magic time. Okay and... action!
:''[Daisy begins crying again. George throws the book down and storms off]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[The bowling team picks up George and cheers after she wins the game]''
:'''George''': ''[voiceover]'' I felt something I had never felt before - a hand on my ass. Who the hell was cupping my ass? Probably that perv from I.S. ''[Looks at Delores]'' Oh God, I hope it was that perv from I.S. I also felt something else... that in some strange undead way, I was alive. I was flying.

=== Reaper Madness (1.7)===
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''George''': I know this is [[w:cliché|cliché]] to hate your boss but you're a real dickweed.
:'''Rube''': What you're feeling right now, the rage and frustration all knotted together, binding everything from your head to your digestive tract? That's my life with you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''George''': So, uh, do you hear a lot of voices?
:'''Ronnie''': No, just one. I call him the Shepherd.
:'''George''': Does he tell you what to do?
:'''Ronnie''': Well, he doesn't control me. He spends most of his time yelling at me and making me feel stupid.
:'''George''': Hmmm... maybe it's my mother.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Ronnie''': I knew it, you're Death.
:'''George''': No no.  I'm just a small cog in the system.
:'''Ronnie''': Then Rube is Death.
:'''George''': No Rube is...middle management.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''George''': [''voiceover''] I'm not a big fan of weddings, but a job is a job. So I sat there watching those 50 happy people gathered to celebrate a marriage, dressed in their Sunday best, about to hear some priest's flowery words about the joining together of two souls, uniting as one... blah, blah, blah, blah... until death do them part, which would be in about 11 minutes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''George''': What is it you wanted to say?
:'''Ronnie''': I just wanted to kiss you.
:'''George''': No...No way. I can't.
:[''Ronnie leans in and kisses George.''] 
:'''George''': [''voiceover''] It was my first post-death kiss. That alone made it memorable.
:'''Ronnie''': Actually, I came to say good-bye.
:'''George''': [''voiceover''] It was also my first post-death kiss-off.

=== A Cook (1.8) ===
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Casey the waitress brings the reapers' order to the table, setting plates before Rube and George]''
:'''Rube''': ''[gesturing at his plate]'' What fresh hell is this?
:'''Casey''': Corned beef hash and eggs.
:'''Rube''': [[w:Hash (food)|Corned beef hash]], I speak not only for myself but aficionados of the dish, is to be fried, with a crisp exterior.  This is...I don't know what this is.  I'm flummoxed.
:'''Daisy''': It doesn't look good.
:'''Rube''': I do not say this phrase lightly, in this hallowed place: This is fucking inedible.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Rube opens his apartment door, goes in, and picks up a manila envelope on the floor.  He opens it, and extracts a single sheet of paper which bears what appears to be a list, and begins to read it as he closes the door.  After the door closes, there is a beat, then the door opens quickly and Rube comes storming out, looking down the hall.]''
:'''Rube''': What the ''FUCK'' is wrong with you?
:''[We hear the sound of an elevator beginning to operate.  Rube looks back down at the list, then back down the hall in disgust, goes back into his apartment and slams the door.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Angus''': ''Bang'', another man down.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:[''referring to an old lady that George is about to reap'']
:'''Daisy''': How old do you think she is? I'm thinking 70.
:'''George''': I don't know. I'm not good at that.
:'''Daisy''': It's not supposed to be good at it, its just a game - Guess someone's age.
:'''George''': How old are you? Like 35?
:'''Daisy''': Yeah, you're not good at it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(George brings J. D. with her into Der Waffle Haus where she meets Rube, Mason and Daisy.)
:'''Rube''': What a gorgeous dog.
:'''George''': Isn't she?
:'''Mason''': Is it a golden?
:'''George''': Yes! She is.
:'''Mason''': What's its name?
:'''George''': J. D.
:''[Rube looks underneath J. D.]''
:'''Rube''': J. D.'s a male.
:'''George''': Yes, she is.
:'''Mason''': Why you callin' him a she is he's a he?
:'''George''': Because dogs are referred to in the feminine.
:'''Rube''': In the way some guy would talk about a car?
:'''George''': Exactly.
:'''Rube''': As in, she's got eight under the hood, she gets twenty to the gallon?
:'''George''': ... Sure.
:'''Rube''': Actually, you refer to dogs by their sex. As in, here boy, down girl.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(Daisy and George are talking about J. D. and whether they should let him into their apartment.)
:'''Daisy''': Well, I know this isn't something ''you'' care about, but I own some very beautiful clothes.
:'''George''': What's your point?
:'''Daisy''': He looks like a 'shedder'.
:'''George''': Ha! That's absolutely something I can live with.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Delores''': The homeless are desperate, passionate lovers, but they ''will'' rob you blind.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Delores''': ''[typing on her computer]'' Millie...did you put detergent in the dishwasher?
:'''George''': Uh, no...I thought you did.
:'''Delores''': Oh, silly us.  We'll just have to locate those dishes and wash 'em again.
:'''George''': Your computer told you that?
:'''Delores''': No, silly, &quot;stinky5000&quot; did.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Delores''': ''[on how her website operates]'' I've got a camera there ''[she waves at the camera]'', a camera there, a camera there, and a camera there.  Not in the bathroom though... ''[in a conspiratorial tone]'' people watching me in the potty would just be plain wrong.
:'''George''': [''voiceover''] ...As opposed to watching you everywhere else?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Delores''': ''[On the name of her website]'' I was going to call it &quot;Her Big&quot; Website, but I was afraid I'd attract people with ''[indicates with her fingers]'' a fetish for ''big things''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''George''': So, people actually pay to watch you?
:'''Delores''': I do get two cents every time someone clicks on but that would go straight to my favorite charity - The American Amputees Association.
:'''George''': ''[voiceover]'' Oh, Christ! My boss has a wooden leg.

=== Sunday Mornings (1.9) ===

:'''George''': My mother was more excited about me going to college than I was. It was like &quot;Hey, here's a socially acceptable way to evict my daughter from our house.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mason''': I'll show you both, we'll be like [[w:Romeo and Juliet|Romeo and Juliet]]. We will.
:'''George''': You do know how that story ended, don't you?
:'''Daisy''': If Romeo had just masturbated a couple of times a week he would have saved both those nice families a heap of trouble.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rube''': You need to fix it.
:'''Roxy''': He put his hands on me.
:'''Rube''': Last time I checked, being pissed off wasn't enough of a reason to remove a person's soul from their body. Don't do that again.
:'''Roxy''': I didn't think he'd turn into a nutball.
:'''Rube''': Well, how would you have responded, Roxy? God appeared to the man.
:'''Roxy''': I wouldn't be making up words and shit.
:'''Rube''': He's creating a mythology to take back to his people. [[w:Joseph Smith, Jr.|Joseph Smith]] had the same thing happen to him. Now the [[w:Mormonism|Mormons]] have a monopoly on the hotel industry.
:'''Roxy''': Well what do you want me to do?
:'''Rube''': It's about restoring the status quo, the guy wasn't supposed to get enlightened, he was supposed to get a parking ticket. You got to turn him back into a prick. If you ever take someone's soul again, without first having a post-it, I'm gonna break this pipe off in your ass.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''George''': ''[voiceover]'' As you get older, the chance of making a really good new friend is probably about the same as being hit by a truck. And if you're hit by a truck (which is to say, dead) the chances of making a good friend are even slimmer.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''George''': ''[voiceover]'' Human beings are simple, predictable clichés. Broken hearts, betrayal, it's all been done a billion times before. The problem is, every time still hurts like the first. And if you're lucky enough to recover, you can be sure that just as you finish filling in all the cracks in your life, the next one is starting to open.

===Business Unfinished (1.10)===

:''[Dolores is setting George up for a conference roomful of collating.]''
:'''Dolores''': Collating is so Zen, so meditative. I suppose it's the rhythmic nature of repetition that frees the mind to think deep thoughts. It's like sweeping! Whoosh! Do you know where I'm coming from?
:'''George''': ''[voiceover]'' Jupiter?
:'''George''': I ''do''.
:'''Dolores''': You'll be amazed to discover how much your busy-bee hands have accomplished!
:'''George''': Bees don't have hands.
:'''Dolores''': No, they don't, do they? ''[grinning]'' But you know who does? ''You'' do. And you know what they say about ''idle'' hands?
:'''George''': ''[voiceover]'' They'll strangle the person who asked them to collate?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Roxy gives everyone a balloon]''
:'''George''': What's the occasion?
:'''Daisy''': I'm guessing she had sex with a [[w:Carny|carnie]].
:'''Roxy''': Why do I need to have an occasion to spread the love?
:'''Mason''': Because you are an ornery bitch and you eat puppy dogs for breakfast.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daisy''': Goddamn it Georgia! Show some ambition! That's what separates us from the animals, you know. It's not the opposable thumb.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(Daisy goes to the Point Grey Club to find her reap and stops at a table where she meets Mary Kate Hourihan.)
:'''M. K. Hourihan''': ''[To waiter]'' We'll have that dessert now, I think.
:'''Daisy''': ''[To M. K.'s friend]'': I'm so sorry to interrupt. That scarf is absolutely beautiful. Where did you get it, if you don't mind me asking?
:'''Joyce''': It was a gift. My husband bought it for me in San Francisco.
:'''Daisy''': So flattering.
:'''Mary Kate''': As are you. What's your name, dear?
:'''Daisy''': Daisy Adair.
:'''Joyce''': Do we know any Adairs?
:'''Mary Kate''': Shawn Adair. But I don't think you're related to him. You're much too fresh and lovely and he is a little oily. Lebanese, I think. Anyway, uh, where were you raised, Daisy?
:'''Daisy''': I am one of the Greenwich Adairs.
:'''Joyce''': Greenwich, Connecticut?
:'''Daisy''': Is there any other?
:''[All laugh.]''
:'''Joyce''': I'm Joyce, and this is Sylvia...
:'''Sylvia''': Hello.
:'''Joyce''': ... Jane and Mary Kate.
:'''Daisy''': So nice to meet you all.
:''[A dessert trolley comes along their table and they all gasp.]''
:'''Joyce''': Ah! Bananas Foster. My favorite.
:'''Mary Kate''': Joyce is turning 30. For the 31st year in a row.
:'''Joyce''': Are you married, Daisy? I have a son.
:'''Daisy''': I'm single, but I'm not really in the market. (Laughs)
:'''Mary Kate''': Are you a lesbian? Sylvia has a daughter. (The waiter lights the dessert.) Oh, how exciting.
:''[Sylvia starts choking.]''
:'''Joyce''': That dessert is so evil. 800,000 calories a bite.
:'''Mary Kate''': Oh please, it's not like it's going to kill you.
:'''Daisy''': I believe your friend is choking on a sugar cookie.
:'''Mary Kate''': Oh, my gosh.
:''[Joyce tries to help Sylvia and Daisy takes Mary Kate's soul. The waiter comes over to do the Heimlich and the cookie shoots out of her mouth onto Mary Kate. She throws her arms back only to catch herself on fire. Everyone gasps.]''
:'''Joyce''': Shit. Mary Kate's on fire.
:''[Sylvia throws her drink on Mary Kate, causing the flames to spread]''
:'''Sylvia''': Ohh! My coffee was Irish!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mary Kate''': Is this a slum?
:'''Daisy''': Suburbs.
:'''Mary Kate''': Oh well, same thing.

=== The Bicycle Thief (1.11)===

:''[At Der Waffle Haus.]''
:'''Daisy''': Georgia! Are you wearing a fragrance this morning?
:'''George''': It's orange juice. I hate the bus.
:'''Rube''': Public transportation is the great equalizer.
:'''George''': I don't wanna be equal. Fuck equal.
:'''Mason''': Steal a car.
:'''Daisy''': What about a bicycle? I once had Dorothy's original bike from The Wizard of Oz. I knew someone from the props department.
:'''Mason''': Don't you mean you blew somebody in the props department?
:'''Daisy''': Knew, blew, tomato, tomahto. Once baby Judy died, I didn't want to ride it anymore, so I sold at an auction.
:'''Rube''': Speakin' of death, let's get to work. (Hands out post-its.)

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[George is at Happy Time discussing her new job.]''
:'''Dolores''': I'm not certain I'm understanding you, Millie. You've already contacted the employer--
:'''George''': Uh, I didn't. Um, Josh called them.
:'''Dolores''': Who is Jo- never mind. What did the employer say?
:'''George''': Yes.
:'''Dolores''': Yes what?
:'''George''': He said, 'Yes, I'm hired.' I didn't do anything. Josh did everything.
:'''Dolores''': Does Josh know you're a valued employee of Happy Time?
:'''George''': That's very nice of you, Dolores, but I thought I'd just look for something a little more 'living wage-ish'. Like, I wanna buy a bike.
:'''Dolores''': Well,  I wanna ride in the [[w:Kentucky Derby|Kentucky Derby]], but you don't see me in racing silks, do you? Tsk. Well, when do they want you to begin?
:'''George''': Tomorrow.
:'''Dolores''': Tomorrow?! Aha. Interesting. Well, G. F. Y... Good for you! Looks like I've got a going away party to organize. Excuse me.
:'''George''': ''[voiceover]'' G. F. M. Good for me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[George is sitting out of her going away party and Stephanie walks up to her and whispers something]''
:'''George''': Oh, no thank you.
:'''Stephanie''': It's no big deal. It's just a little tab you put on your tongue.
:'''George''': You know, I feel my current reality is altered enough.
:''[Stephanie nods]''
:'''Stephanie''': I did one.
:'''George''': G. F. Y.!
:''[Stephanie hugs George making George feel violated]''
:'''Stephanie''': Let's look out for each other today, okay?
:'''George''': Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[George walks into an office to find Stephanie hiding]''
:'''George''': ''[voiceover]'' It turns out that certain remarks like, 'Let's look out for each other,' which seemed casual and meaningless had a special significance here at Happy Time.
:''[Stephanie is under a desk rummaging through trash.]''
:'''Stephanie''': Fuck. I can't find it. I can't find it.
:'''George''': Stephanie?
:'''Stephanie''': I can't- I can't find it.
:'''George''': You can't find what?
:'''Stephanie''': Blue! Red's taken it over!
:'''George''': Red's got blue?
:'''Stephanie''': Red's been attacking all the colors! We gotta stop it!
:'''George''': We do?
:'''Stephanie''': Yellow's next. It doesn't stand a chance! Poor yellow.
:'''George''': Why don't we go for a walk?
:'''Stephanie''': Nope! No walking!
:'''George''': I'm going to call the Color Police. ''[She picks up the phone]'' I'd like to report a color crime in progress. ''[To Stephanie]'' I'm on hold.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joy''': This is a lost cause.
:'''Clancy''': Maybe we should split up.
:'''Joy''': Fine! Fine, you walk away but you better find yourself one hell of a lawyer.
:'''Clancy''': Split up to find the dog!
:'''Joy''': ''[after a beat]'' Oh, that's a good idea.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Henry''': ''[contemplating suicide after his partner, Gary, has died]'' Why would I re-think this? Thirty years with that beautiful man and I am not getting into that bed tonight without him and I am not waking up tomorrow without him. I won't, I can't. We were going to Kyoto in the fall. They have beautiful gardens there and I won't go without Gary.

=== Nighthawks (1.12)===
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Rube passes out self-evaluation forms to the reapers]''
:'''Rube''': Mason, please write legibly. There were complaints last year.
:'''Mason''': Well, that's ridiculous. I always had high marks for [[w:penmanship|penmanship]].
:'''Rube''': Seriously, I saw the thing. You write like you speak. I could barely understand a word.
:'''Mason''': Oh, you know what?  In all honesty, I was, like, on something when I filled out my form last year.
:'''Rube''': Are you on something tonight?
:'''Mason''': No.
:'''Roxy''': For real?
:'''Mason''': ''[grinning]'' Well, a little bit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Daisy is sharpening all the pencils the Rube has provided for the reapers to fill out their forms]''
:'''Roxy''': Sharpen another pencil and I'm breakin' one in your little pink ass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Rube walks over to Mason and George sneaks a peak at Rube's post-it.]''
:'''George''': ''[To Rube]'' It's 3851 Beatrice Lane!
:'''Rube''': It's not your post-it.
:'''George''': That's my old house! That's where my family is!
:'''Rube''': I'm aware.
:'''George''': Wha- who ''is'' it?!
:'''Rube''': It's not your post-it. There are rules, Georgia.
:'''George''': What is going to happen in my driveway?
:'''Rube''': It's not your driveway anymore.
:'''George''': You know what I mean.
:'''Rube''': I do. It's not your driveway anyway.
:'''George''': Well, then. I'm coming with you.
:'''Rube''': That's not going to happen.
:'''George''': Someone dies, at my house, and you don't tell me about it?! What the fuck is wrong with you?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Talking about Rube's flashbacks of George]''
:'''George''': ''You'' have a problem with ''me''?
:'''Rube''': Yes, ma'am, I do. And one thing you should know about me by now, I am a problem solver.
:'''George''': How do I put this delicately?
:'''Rube''': ''[To the test-takers]'' Does this concern you? ''[To George]'' Try and choose your words carefully.
:''[George nods and is ''very'' angry.]''
:'''George''': Blow me.
:''[George walks away.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rube''': If you stand too close to a painting — all you see are patches of color, if you stand too far back, you can't see any of the detail. Right now this is your particular perspective and if you ask me—-
:'''George''': I'm a little too close.

=== Vacation (1.13)===

:'''Daisy''': What do you say the very second we're done here, we go back to my place for a drink?
:'''Mason''': Don't fuck with me Daisy.
:'''Daisy''': I probably won't, but a drink isn't gonna kill anybody, least of all us. Right?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Roxy''': ''[about Crystal]'' Does it type?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Daisy's final thought before dying]'' Why has no one ever loved me?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''George''': ''[voiceover]'' Maybe death was the temp job, and life was the vacation. A vacation you were supposed to spend with the people that you loved… with the people who loved you, and if life was that kind of vacation, what then? What would your last thoughts be then?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[The reapers are all in the Happy Time office, late at night, taking advantage of the fact that the Gravelings are taking the day off to catch up on paperwork.  Rube lights his pipe.]''
:'''George''': You can't smoke in here.
:'''Rube''': Ah, fuck that bullshit, they can blow me.

=== Rest in Peace (1.14)===

:'''Roxy''': So what are you? Rube's butt-boy?
:'''George''': Why? Did you resign?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rube''': A wise man knows how much he doesn't know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Clancy's cell phone rings]''
:'''Joy''': You answer that phone and I will absolutely shove it up your ass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''George''':  ''[voiceover]'' The day I dropped out of college, I remember lying on my bed. My mother came into my room, and she'd been crying. She stared at me for a long time and then she said, &quot;You only have one shot at life, Georgia. This is no dress rehearsal.&quot; And I said, &quot;You know what, Mom? Maybe I don't even want to be in the play.&quot; A month later I was killed. I wonder sometimes if someone was listening.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''George''':  ''[voiceover]'' That night, a man was killed by a speeding car and I was there to take his soul. The street on which he died turned into a flowing river of light, and he hesitated at its banks. I told him to take a deep breath as if its the last one you will ever take, because sometimes in life, or in death I guess, you just never know.

== Season 2 ==

=== Send in the Clown (2.1) ===

:'''Mason''': Nah, five deaths is not a disaster.
:'''George''': How many deaths ''is'' a disaster?
:'''Mason''': More than five. Five's bullshit.
:'''George''': How many?
:'''Mason''': 16 to 20, disaster; 21 and up, catastrophe; 8 to 15 is a calamity.
:'''Rube''': 7 and under?
:'''Mason''': That's a cryin' shame.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mason''': Are you going to finish those hashbrowns?
:'''Roxy''': Probably not. 
:(''he takes them from her plate and eats them. Roxie stabs him with her knife but he moves his hand just in time.'')
:'''Mason''': Fucking bloody hell.
:'''Roxy''': I'm outta here.
:'''Mason''': Did you see that? I mean just because I wanted some of her hashbrowns.
:'''Rube''': I was there.
:'''Mason''': I've never seen such violence over such small potatoes.
:'''Rube''': Oh, that was almost clever.
:'''Mason''': What was almost clever, Rube?
:'''Rube''': The thing about the hashbrowns being small potatoes.
:'''Mason''': I don't get it...because hashbrowns ''are'' small potatoes.
:'''Rube''': Never mind.

=== The Ledger (2.2) ===

:''[Mason practices at being the world's most incompetent [[w:shell game|shell game]] actor.]''
:'''Rube''': You know why people play the shell game?
:'''Mason''': Because they think they can beat the odds.
:'''Rube''': Wrong. They think they can beat ''you''. They think they're smarter than you. ''[pause]'' In this case, they're right.
:'''Mason''': I'm smarter than you think.
:'''Rube''': You smart enough to play stupid?
:'''Mason''': I am so smart, I'm practically retarded.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Security Expert''': Ripoff. Report... Identify... Prove... Ostracize... Fire.
:'''George''': ''[aside, to Delores]'' Rip-of?
:'''Security Expert''': You got a problem there Millie?
:'''George''': ''[aka Millie]'' You misspelled ripoff. You dropped an 'f'.
:'''Security Expert''': Oh I see. We have ourselves a smart-ass.
:'''George''': Don't you mean smart as?

=== Ghost Story (2.3) ===
:'''Rube''': When I was your age, I used to treat the crust like it was just there to hold the good stuff in. I used to leave the whole back end of it on the plate. As I got older, I learned to appreciate the crust. &lt;!-- said with accent, like &quot;loined to ay-preciate&quot; --&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''George''': ''[voiceover]'' Once upon a time, there was a girl named George. Who couldn't quite forget… there was once upon a time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''George''' ''[after being asked what animal she thought best described her]'' I'm a cat. I mean not like a house cat, not like Murray, Delores. I'm a stray, who wanders the streets alone, kind of distant and mean. I'm not a cat you'd wanna pet or bring home to your kids... you just don't know where those claws are, ya know, and I'm a black cat and I have many, many lives... and now you know who I am.

=== The Shallow End (2.4) ===

:'''Daisy''': You do that, you know. You withhold the love.
:'''Rube''': How can I withhold that which I do not possess?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Theo''': Relax, son, they're just balls.

=== Hurry (2.5) ===

:''[A woman cuts in line at the post office]''
:'''Rube''': Afternoon, ladies.  Are you two old friends?
:'''Woman''': Eh, her daughter is in my son's class.
:'''Rube''': I have a question for you.  Is everyone in this line an asshole?
:'''Woman''': Excuse me?
:'''Rube''': Is everyone you just cut in front of an asshole?
:'''Woman''': Uhm.  No?
:'''Rube''': So it's just you then.
:'''Woman''': I have children in the car.
:'''Rube''': I have a cake in the oven.  He's got three minutes left on the meter.  She's got a lunch meeting.  We all have a finite amount of time.  Now get in the back of the line.  And don't use your children like that — it's shameful.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''George''': Everyone says &quot;live in the now,&quot; but that's bullshit.  I mean, who lives in the moment?  We're too busy thinking about what happens next... or what didn't happen at all.

=== In Escrow (2.6) ===

:''[Crystal and George/Millie are chuckling over a digestively challenged applicant. Dolores is unamused.]''
:'''Dolores''': Irritable Bowel Syndrome is a ''serious'' affliction. Most people don't know this, but Marilyn Monroe had IBS.
:'''George''': Is that what blew her skirt up?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dolores has just given George a new assignment to pick an applicant for a new pharmaceutical company account]''
:'''George/Millie:''' Backup. Did you just say choose, me? 
:'''Dolores:''' No I said, &quot;You choose.&quot; You're in a new position now.  You're like, the prettiest girl at prom, or the sluttiest girl if you went to Catholic school. You get to pick.

=== Rites of Passage (2.7) ===

:'''Dolores''': You know, when you're young like you are, Millie, it's easy. Man, woman, bottom, top… sex is this ''big'' buffet, and you're just a… fat man with a fork, but… as you get older, it's harder to get a fork.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[A newspaper clipping's succinct summary of George's death: TERROR TOILET TOTALS TEEN.]''

=== The Escape Artist (2.8) ===

:''[Roxy gives Mason a hard time about ordering a drink during an airplane flight reap.]''
:'''Mason''': Roxy, I've never flown before. I'm a bit nervous, all right?
:'''Roxy''': Well, congratulations, baby! Drink up. Buckle up. And don't ''fuck'' it up.

=== Be Still My Heart (2.9) ===

:''[Tending to a heart attack victim, Dolores discovers the office defibrillator has orange goo between the paddles.]''
:'''Dolores''': Who has been making grilled cheese sandwiches with the defibrillator paddles?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Clancy has given Reggie a poem, a portion of Shakespeare's Twelfth Sonnet.]''
:'''Reggie''': He said for you to read it. He said the end's the best part.
:'''Joy''': Since sweets and beauties do themselves forsake // And die as fast as they see others grow; // And nothing 'gainst Time's scythe can make defence // Save breed, to brave him when he takes thee hence.
:'''Reggie''': What does it mean?
:'''Joy''': It's Shakespeare. It means... it means you should have kids because then you're never alone.
:'''Reggie''': Is Dad trying to get back together with you?
:'''Joy''': No sweetie, no. He did it for you. It's about you.

=== Death Defying (2.10) ===

:'''Ray Summers''': Okay George, five reasons why men are scum and women let us get away with it. 1. We all only want one thing. No exceptions. 2. We fall in love before we have that thing, and then fall back out once we've had it, whereas women conversly fall in love afterwards. 3. We will lie, cheat, steal or murder to get that one thing. Why am I sugarcoating this? You're a big girl. In order to fuck you. 4. We freely admit the numbers 1 through 3 and women don't care, and the number 5 reason why men are scum and women let us get away with it: You can't live without us.
:'''George''': (Raising her shot glass to toast him) Here's to your bullshit, Ray. (Throws three more darts and gets a bullseye on the last one) Fucking men. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''George''': [''voiceover''] They say coming clean is good for the soul, that it puts things in perspective. You can get a sense of your place in the order of things...a sense of who you really are and what's important. This is my perspective. I am a grim reaper. I take souls. I do not go to prom. I do not live happily ever after. This is who I am. Anyone got a problem with that?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mason''': And now Mason will show little Georgie the finer art of stress relief through petty vandalism. Don't get me wrong. We will egg Trip's fucking mansion, but first...[''Holds out a pen'']

=== Ashes to Ashes (2.11) ===

:''[Reggie leaves her dog J.D. in Joy's care when her Goth friend &quot;Raven&quot; finds him too &quot;preppy&quot;.]''
:'''Joy''': ''[to J.D.]'' Oh, don't you worry. She needs a friend who's ''human''. Or something close.

=== Forget Me Not (2.12) ===

:''[Flashback to elementary-school-age George reading ''A Tale of Two Cities'' instead of going to her friend's birthday party.]''
:'''Joy''': We bought her a present!
:'''Young George''': What did you get her?
:'''Joy''': ''We'' got her a flannel nightgown. With pretty little flowers on it!
:'''Young George''': Mom. You're gonna get me killed.
:'''Joy''': Georgia, don't be silly. We're going.
:'''Young George''': Not.
:'''Joy''': You are so!
:'''Young George''': So not.
:'''Joy''': Why do you have to be so ''obstinate''?
:'''Young George''': Obstinate. O-B-S-T-I-N-A-T-E. Stubborn.
:'''Joy''': Georgia Lass, you cannot spend your entire life with your nose stuck in a book!
:'''Young George''': Try me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At a spelling bee, emcee G. McFadden's soul finds itself sitting beside George and Mason.]''
:'''McFadden''': What just happened?
:'''Mason''': Oh, I'm afraid you are D-E-D…
:'''McFadden''': No, that's D-E-''A''-D.
:'''Mason''': I was joking!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At the restaurant, Mason and George return from the bee.]''
:'''Rube''': Hey! How'd it go?
:'''Mason''': G-R-E-A-T.
:'''George''': It was a spelling bee.
:'''Rube''': ''[to Mason]'' Seriously, how'd it go?
:'''Mason''': F-A-N-T-A-S-T-I-C.
:'''Rube''': How do I get it to stop?
:'''Mason''': Well, go on, Georgie, tell him.
:'''George''': Well, as far as senseless, brutal deaths go, I say it went beautifully.
:'''Mason''': Yeah! So maybe a little simple &quot;thank you&quot; is in order, instead of your constant irritation, Ruby. Maybe a little bit of G-R-A-T… uh… t… i-i-tude, tude.
:''[Rube hands out Post-its.]''
:'''Rube''': For you, and you.
:'''Mason''': Where's Roxy?
:'''Rube''': She has got a personal day.
:'''Mason''': Well, why don't ''I'' have a personal day?
:'''Rube''': Because you're an F-U-C-K-U-P.
:'''Mason''': &quot;Fuck up&quot; has two words.
:'''George''': Actually, &quot;fuck-up&quot; is a hyphenate.
:''[They all look at her.]''
:'''George''': Well, it is!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ray introduces himself to Rube at Der Waffle Haus and shakes his hand.]''
:'''Ray''': That's quite a death grip you got there, Rube.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[George tries to find a way to communicate to memory-challenged Nina that she has died.]''
:'''George''': Do you want to hear a story, Nina?
:'''Nina''': Oh, I love stories.
:'''George''': Well, once there was a girl named George. She was 18 years old. And she didn't have a husband William, she didn't have have a daughter named Beth, but she had a mom, a father, and a sister. And, one day, she went outside — it was a sunny day, a few clouds, but an ordinary day — and she went out to get some lunch, and this man… he stopped me. And he talked to me. And he knew my last name. I told him to leave me alone, but… then something from the sky fell. And I didn't feel anything. I couldn't remember ''anything''… at ''first''. But then I did. I realized… I ''died''.
:''[George reaches over to Nina's memory Post-it pad.]''
:'''George''': I… ''died''.
:''[She writes on the pad.]''
:'''George''': I'm ''dead''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mason buries Ray's corpse as Daisy watches him through the window crying.]''
:'''George''': ''[voiceover]'' There are things inside you that no one wants to face. Things that you keep secret, even from yourself. But secrets are funny. The things you try to hide always turn out to be the things you can't forget

=== Last Call (2.13) ===
:'''Mason''': You know, this morning, when you said you spent your last day on Earth, your very, very last day on Earth, stapling?
:'''George''': Filing.
:'''Mason''': My God, that's even worse. You said you regretted it, didn't you?
:'''George''': Yeah of course. Who gives a shit?
:'''Mason''': My God, I give a shit. Rube tells us to be on the periphery. To keep away from...things. To keep our distance from...life. Our family...
:'''George''': Yeah?
:'''Mason''': God, it is nonsense. You get close, Georgie, you get close to everybody that ever meant anything to you.
:'''George''': Have you been drinking?
:'''Mason''': Of course I've bloody been drinking. And it's last call. And you gotta...you gotta drink up while you still can.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daisy''':''[Rejecting Mason's ring]'' I won't fall in love, I won't get married, I won't grow old with someone, not with you or anyone.

=== Always (2.14) ===

:'''George''': ''[voiceover]'' We think we can't do something… ''[chanting]'' we think we can't, we think we can't, we think we can't… but we can.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''George''': ''[voiceover]'' I guess there's always something out there to hide from, something out there you just can't face. Three Mississippi. Four Mississippi. So you'll hide for as long as you can, but that's not easy either, all that hiding... Five Mississippi. In the end, what you were so afraid of turns out  not to be so scary after all. Six Mississippi, seven. Because you have to know that if you're hiding, more often than not, your fears will come looking for you.

=== Haunted (2.15) ===

:'''George''': ''[voiceover]'' Now that I'm older and… deader… I see that Halloween is amateur night for death.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[George stops by her tombstone, where her sleeping mother and sister have camped out for El Día de los Muertos ([[w:The Day of the Dead|The Day of the Dead]]).]''
:'''George''': ''[voiceover]'' I'm not supposed to be here… but I am. I don't know if I'm supposed to watch over them… or just haunt them.
:''[She leaves some candy and tucks their blanket around them. She walks off, then turns back to see Reggie looking her way.]''
:'''George''': ''[voiceover]'' Either way, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't having fun. 
:''[She smiles and resumes her departure.]''
:'''George''': ''[voiceover]'' I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to be here. Walking through a graveyard, the day after Halloween… on a quiet and beautiful November morning… It's not so bad, being dead like me.

==Major cast==
* ''Undead''
** [[w:George Lass|Georgia &quot;George&quot; Lass]]: [[w:Ellen Muth|Ellen Muth]]
** [[w:Rube John Sofer|Rube]]: [[Mandy Patinkin]]
** [[w:Mason (Dead Like Me)|Mason]]: [[w:Callum Blue|Callum Blue]]
** [[w:Roxy Harvey|Roxy]]: [[w:Jasmine Guy|Jasmine Guy]]
** [[w:Betty (Dead Like Me)|Betty]]: [[w:Rebecca Gayheart|Rebecca Gayheart]]
** [[w:Daisy Adair|Daisy Adair]]: [[w:Laura Harris|Laura Harris]]
* ''Living''
** [[w:List of Dead Like Me characters#Joy Lass|Joy Lass]]: [[w:Cynthia Stevenson|Cynthia Stevenson]]
** [[w:Reggie Lass|Reggie Lass]]: [[w:Britt McKillip|Britt McKillip]]
** [[w:List of Dead Like Me characters#Clancy Lass|Clancy Lass]]: [[w:Greg Kean|Greg Kean]]
** [[w:List of Dead Like Me characters#Delores Herbig|Delores Herbig]]: [[w:Christine Willes|Christine Willes]]
** [[w:List of Dead Like Me characters#Crystal|Crystal]]: [[w:Crystal Dahl|Crystal Dahl]]

==See also==
* [[Television shows]]
* [[Wonderfalls]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0348913|title=Dead Like Me}}
*[http://www.deadlikeme.tv/ Dead Like Me at MGM]
*[http://www.sho.com/deadlikeme Dead Like Me at Showtime] (not accessible outside U.S.)

[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:2000s American comedy-drama TV shows]]
[[Category:TV shows about death]]
[[Category:Showtime shows]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius</title>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-26T21:14:42Z</timestamp>
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      <text bytes="9260" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius|The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius]]''''' is a show that ran on Nickelodeon from 2002–2006. The show follows the life of genius kid Jimmy Neutron and his friends and family. It is also based on the 2003 CGI film ''[[Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius (film)|Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius]]''.
__NOTOC__
{| align=&quot;center&quot; class=&quot;wikitable&quot; cellspacing=&quot;0&quot;
! width=&quot;16%&quot; | [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1|Season 1]] !! width=&quot;16%&quot; | [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 2|Season 2]] !! width=&quot;16%&quot; | [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3|Season 3]]
|-
| [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1#When Pants Attack|When Pants Attack]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 2#A Beautiful Mine|A Beautiful Mine]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3#Attack of the Twonkies|Attack of the Twonkies]]
|-
| [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1#Normal Boy|Normal Boy]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 2#Sorry, Wrong Era|Sorry, Wrong Era]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3#Lights! Camera! Danger!|Lights! Camera! Danger!]]
|-
| [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1#Birth Of A Salesman|Birth Of A Salesman]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 2#The Retroville 9|The Retroville 9]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3#The N Men|The N Men]]
|-
| [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1#Brobot|Brobot]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 2#Grumpy Young Men|Grumpy Young Men]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3#The Tomorrow Boys|The Tomorrow Boys]]
|-
| [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1#The Big Pinch|The Big Pinch]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 2#Operation: Rescue Jet Fusion|Operation: Rescue Jet Fusion]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3#Fundemonium|Fundemonium]]
|-
| [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1#Granny Baby|Granny Baby]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 2#Nightmare in Retroville|Nightmare in Retroville]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3#Stranded|Stranded]]
|-
| [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1#Time Is Money|Time Is Money]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 2#Monster Hunt|Monster Hunt]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3#Jimmy Goes to College|Jimmy Goes to College]]
|-
| [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1#Raise the Oozy Scab|Raise the Oozy Scab]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 2#Jimmy for President|Jimmy for President]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3#The League of Villains|The League of Villains]]
|-
| [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1#I Dream of Jimmy|I Dream of Jimmy]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 2#Return of the Nanobots|Return of the Nanobots]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3#Who's Your Mommy?|Who's Your Mommy?]]
|-
| [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1#Jimmy On Ice|Jimmy On Ice]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 2#Holly Jolly Jimmy|Holly Jolly Jimmy]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3#Clash of the Cousins|Clash of the Cousins]]
|-
| [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1#Battle of the Band|Battle of the Band]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 2#Love Potion 976/J|Love Potion 976/J]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3#My Big Fat Spy Wedding|My Big Fat Spy Wedding]]
|-
| [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1#See Jimmy Run|See Jimmy Run]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 2#Sheen's Brain|Sheen's Brain]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3#Crouching Jimmy, Hidden Sheen|Crouching Jimmy, Hidden Sheen]]
|-
| [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1#Trading Faces|Trading Faces]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 2#Maternotron Knows Best|Maternotron Knows Best]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3#The Incredible Shrinking Town|The Incredible Shrinking Town]]
|-
| [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1#The Phantom of Retroland|The Phantom of Retroland]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 2#Send in the Clones|Send in the Clones]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3#One of Us|One of Us]]
|-
| [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1#My Son, the Hamster|My Son, the Hamster]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 2#The Great Egg Heist|The Great Egg Heist]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3#Vanishing Act|Vanishing Act]]
|-
| [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1#Hall Monster|Hall Monster]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 2#The Feud|The Feud]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3#The Trouble with Clones|The Trouble with Clones]]
|-
| [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1#Hypno Birthday to You|Hypno Birthday to You]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 2#Out, Darn Spotlight|Out, Darn Spotlight]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3#The Evil Beneath|The Evil Beneath]]
|-
| [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1#Krunch Time|Krunch Time]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 2#The Junkman Cometh|The Junkman Cometh]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3#Carl Wheezer, Boy Genius|Carl Wheezer, Boy Genius]]
|-
|  [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1#Substitute Creature|Substitute Creature]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 2#Foul Bull|Foul Bull]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3#Who Framed Jimmy Neutron?|Who Framed Jimmy Neutron?]]
|-
| [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1#Safety First|Safety First]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 2#The Science Fair Affair|The Science Fair Affair]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3#Flippy|Flippy]]
|-
| [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1#Crime Sheen Investigation|Crime Sheen Investigation]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 2#Men At Work|Men At Work]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3#How to Sink a Sub|How to Sink a Sub]]
|-
| [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1#Journey to the Center of Carl|Journey to the Center of Carl]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 2#The Mighty Wheezers|The Mighty Wheezers]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3#Lady Sings The News|Lady Sings The News]]
|-
| [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1#Aaughh!! Wilderness!!|Aaughh!! Wilderness!!]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 2#Billion Dollar Boy|Billion Dollar Boy]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3#King of Mars|King of Mars]]
|-
| [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1#Party at Neutron's|Party at Neutron's]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 2#Win, Lose and Kaboom!|Win, Lose and Kaboom!]] || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3#El Magnifico|El Magnifico]]
|-
| [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1#Ultra Sheen|Ultra Sheen]] || || [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3#Best in Show|Best in Show]]
|-
| [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1#Broadcast Blues|Broadcast Blues]] || ||
|-
| [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1#Professor Calamitous, I Presume|Professor Calamitous, I Presume]] || ||
|-
| [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1#The Egg-pire Strikes Back|The Egg-pire Strikes Back]] || ||
|-
| [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1#Maximum Hugh|Maximum Hugh]] || ||
|-
| [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1#Sleepless in Retroville|Sleepless in Retroville]] || ||
|-
| [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1#Make Room for Daddy-O|Make Room for Daddy-O]] || || 
|-
| [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1#Beach Party Mummy|Beach Party Mummy]] || ||
|}

==Jimmy Timmy Power Hour Trilogy==
* [[The Jimmy Timmy Power Hour Specials]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius, The}}
[[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Computer-animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Nicktoons]]
[[Category:2000s Nickelodeon original series]]
[[Category:Television programs based on films]]
[[Category:The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about children]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>8421</id>
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      <id>3147395</id>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-26T13:17:22Z</timestamp>
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        <username>UDScott</username>
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      <text bytes="18996" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation|National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation]]''''' is a [[w:1989 in film|1989 film]] in which the Griswold family's plans for a big family Christmas predictably turn into a big disaster. It is the third installment in the [[w:National Lampoon|National Lampoon]] [[w:National Lampoon's Vacation (film series)|Griswold family series]].
:''Directed by [[w:Jeremiah S. Chechik|Jeremiah S. Chechik]]. Written by [[w:John Hughes|John Hughes]].''
{{center|'''Yule crack up!''' [[#taglines|Taglines]]}}

== Clark W. Griswold ==
* Well I'm gonna park the cars and get the luggage, and well, I'll be outside for the season.

* [''as an entourage of suits - led by Clark's boss - passes by single file''] Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.

* [''the newel post is wobbly so Clark cuts it off with a chain saw''] Fixed the newel post.

* LOTTA SAP in here. [''Spits then gives an a-ok sign''] Looks great! Little full, Lotta sap!!

* I dedicate this house to the Griswold Family Christmas.

*[''Handing Christmas lights to Russ''] Unravel these. We need to check every bulb. [''Pulls out a huge tangle of lights''] Oop. Little knot here, you can work on that. [''Hands it to Russ'']

* Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.

* Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people, and I want him brought right here! With a big ribbon on his head! And I want to look him straight in the eye, and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, bloodsucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-assed, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! HALLELUJAH! HOLY SHIT! Where's the Tylenol?

* Going for a new amateur recreational saucer sled land speed record, Clark W. Griswold, Jr. Remember, don't try this at home kids; I am a professional. Later dudes. Let 'er rip. Hang ten!

== Cousin Eddie ==
* If that thing had nine lives, he just spent 'em all. Whoo!

* Tha right there is a RV, I got it off my buddy and I sold him my house for that right there vehicle.

* They had to replace my metal plate with a plastic one. Every time Catherine would rev up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour.

* I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brain but a piece of government plastic.

* Clark, I'd like to try to fumigate this here chair, it's a good quality item.  If you don't mind my askin', how much did she set you back?

* He's cute ain't he? Only problem is, he's got a little bit a Mississippi leg hound in 'im. If the mood catches him right, he'll grab your leg and just go to town. You don't want him around if you're wearing short pants, if you know what I mean. Word of warning though, if he does lay into ya, it's best to just let 'im finish.

* ''[After finding out that Clark is getting to be a member of the Jelly of the Month Club instead of getting his bonus] ''Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year.

== Others ==
* '''Audrey Griswold''': Would it be indecent to ask the grandparents to stay at a hotel?
* '''Ellen Griswold''': I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery.
* '''Ellen Griswold''': Welcome to our home - what's left of it.
* '''Art''': Hurry up, Clark. I'm freezing my baguettes off.
* '''Mr. Shirley''': [''Picks up the phone receiver''] Get me somebody. Anybody. And get me somebody while I'm waiting.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Ellen''': Clark, Audrey's frozen from the waist down.
:'''Clark''': That's all part of the experience, honey.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Todd Chester''': ''(mockingly)'' Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?
:'''Clark''': Bend over and I'll show you.
:'''Todd Chester''': ''(angrily)'' You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that, Griswold.
:'''Clark''': I wasn't talking to ''you''. [''looking at his wife, Margo'']

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ellen''': You set standards that no family activity can live up to.
:'''Clark''': When have I ever done that?
:'''Ellen''': Birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, funerals, holidays, vacations, graduations...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:[''Clark is looking at lingerie, as a voluptuous saleswoman approaches'']
:'''Mary''': Can I show you something?
:'''Clark''': Oh, I was just smelling - smiling. I was just blouse - browsing.
:'''Mary''': For your wife? For your girlfriend?
:'''Clark''': Uh... huh? What happened? I, uh, heh heh. ''[Mops his forehead with a pair of panties]'' Well, I guess it just wouldn't... ''[Realizes what he'd done and puts the panties back]'' Oh hee hee, it wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than they - HOTTER than they are. Whew. It is warm in here, isn't it?
:'''Mary''': You have your coat on.
:'''Clark''': Yes, oh do I? How'd that happen?
:'''Mary''': Because it's cold out?
:'''Clark''': Yes, Yes, it is a bit nipply out. I mean 'nippy out.' ''[Laughs]'' What am I saying, nipple? Ah, there is a nip in the air, though.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Clark''': 'Tis the season to be merry.
:'''Mary''': That's my name.
:'''Clark''': No shit.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[While eating dinner, Uncle Lewis smokes a cigar and drops it. A flame engulfs in the living room for a split second. Clark notices it and walks into the living room]''
:'''Clark''': Lewis?? ''[Tears up when he sees that his Christmas tree has been burnt into a crisp]'' MY TREE!
:'''Uncle Lewis''': So What's the matter with you?
:'''Clark''': '''Look what you've done to my tree!!!''' ''[Notices that Lewis is on fire in the back of his clothes]'' LEWIS! ''[Uses a curtain, grabs Lewis and pats his back to put out the fire]''
:''[Others come in and look at the destroyed tree]''
:'''Art''': It was an ugly tree anyway.
:'''Uncle Lewis''': At least it's out of its misery!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Aunt Bethany''': Is your house on fire, Clark?
:'''Clark Griswold''': No, Aunt Bethany, those are the Christmas lights.
:'''Aunt Bethany''': Don't throw me down, Clark.
:'''Clark Griswold''': I'll try not to, Aunt Bethany.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ellen''': Oh Aunt Bethany, you shouldn't have done that.
:'''Aunt Bethany''': Oh dear, did I break wind?
:'''Uncle Lewis''': Jesus, did the room clear out, Bethany? Hell, No, she means presents. You shouldn't have brought presents!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Uncle Lewis''': Hey Gris, Bethany and I figured out the perfect gift for you.
:'''Clark''': Aw, you didn't have to get me anything.
:'''Uncle Lewis''': Dammit, Bethany, he guessed it.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Aunt Bethany''': This house is bigger than your old one. Is Rusty still in the Navy?
:'''Ellen''': Aunt Bethany, why don't you go with Frances and Cathrine into the living room and say hello to everybody.
:'''Aunt Bethany''': Hello, everybody?
:'''Ellen''': Just in the living room...
:'''Aunt Bethany''': I should say it?
:'''Ellen''': You should say it.
:'''Aunt Bethany''': Hello, everybody!
:'''Ellen''': Hello, everybody.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Russ''': Dad.
:'''Clark''': Yeah.
:'''Russ''': This box is meowing.
:'''Clark''': Let me see.
:''[Clark takes the present, shakes it, and a cat wildly meows]''
:'''Clark''': She wrapped up her damn cat!
:'''Ellen''': Well, take it to the kitchen and open it up.
:'''Clark''': Then we'll have a cat running around the house.
:'''Ellen''': We can't leave it in the box.
:'''Russ''': Why would somebody put a cat in a box?
:'''Ellen''': She gets confused, Rusty. She's old. She and Uncle Louis don't have much money, so she takes things from around the house, wraps them up, and gives them away as presents.
:'''Russ''': ''[Mock enthusiasm]'' Great! Can't wait to see what I got.
:'''Eddie''': ''[comes in with another of Aunt Bethany's gifts]'' This one here, it's leakin'. ''[Ellen touches the liquid coming out with her finger and Eddie lick it]'' It's lime!
:'''Ellen''': That would be her Jell-O mold.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Eddie''': You surprised to see us, Clark?
:'''Clark''': Surprised Eddie?... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Clark''': Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere, leave you for dead?
:'''Eddie''': Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ellen''': What are you looking at?
:'''Clark''': Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer...
:''[Eddie, in the driveway, is draining the RV's toilet]''
:'''Eddie''': [''yells''] Shitter was full!
:'''Clark''': Ah, yeah.  You checked our shitters, honey?
:'''Ellen''': Clark, please. He doesn't know any better.
:'''Clark''': He oughta know it's illegal. That's a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ruby Sue''': Rocky bit my thumb. Him's nervous because Christmas is almost here.
:'''Clark''': Nervous or excited?
:'''Ruby Sue''': Shitting bricks.
:'''Clark''': You shouldn't use that word.
:'''Ruby Sue''': Sorry. Shitting rocks.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
''[Describing the metal plate in his head]''
:'''Eddie''': Well, they replaced it with a plastic one 'cause every time Katherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for a half-hour or so. And it ain't real sturdy so... I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.
:'''Clark''': Do you really think it matters, Eddie?
:'''Eddie''': ''[gesturing over the left side of his head]'' Well, you see, the plate runs underneath my part here, and the other side... ''[bangs his right side]'' Nothing. But here, if this gets dented, then my hair just ain't gonna look right.
:'''Clark''': Yeah, I know the feeling.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Eddie''': [''talking about Snots, Eddie's dog''] If you scratch his belly, Clark, he'll love you till the day you die.
:'''Clark''': I really shouldn't, Eddie, my hands are all chapped.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Todd''': Well, obviously something had to break the window, SOMETHING had to hit the stereo!
:'''Margo''': And why is the carpet all wet, ''Todd''?
:'''Todd''': I don't KNOW, ''Margo''.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Audrey''': Do you sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is?
:'''Ellen''': Well, I'm sleeping with your father. Don't be so dramatic.
:'''Audrey''': I have nightmares about what he does in his bed alone when I'm ''not'' lying right next to him.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Clark''': Since this is Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of Grace.
:'''Aunt Bethany''': What dear?
:'''Nora''': Grace!
:'''Aunt Bethany''': Grace? Ohhh...She passed away thirty years ago...
:'''Uncle Lewis''': They want you to say grace.... ''[Bethany looks confused. Lewis emphasizes his words]'' '''The BLESS-ING!!!'''
:'''Aunt Bethany''': Oh.
:''[everyone at the table folds their hands in prayer and reverently bows their heads]''
:'''Aunt Bethany''': I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, ''[Clark makes a confused face towards Aunt Bethany]'' and to the republic for which it stands - one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
:'''Clark''': ''[Annoyed]'' Amen.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Aunt Bethany''': What's that sound? ''[everybody looks up, and returns to activities, then Clark starts hearing it]'' Do you hear it!? It's a funny, squeaking sound.
:'''Uncle Lewis''': You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a [[wikipapers:Nitroglycerin|nitroglycerin]] plant!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:[''after Clark fails at lighting all the exterior Christmas lights at the &quot;lighting ceremony&quot; in front of the entire family'']
:'''Art''': ''[sarcastically]'' Beautiful, Clark.
:'''Frances''': Talk about pissing your money away. I hope you kids see what a silly waste of resources this was.
:'''Audrey Griswold''': He worked really hard, Grandma.
:'''Art''': So do washing machines.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Clark''': Russ, we checked every bulb, didn't we?
:'''Rusty''': Sure, Dad.
:'''Clark''': Hmm... Maybe we ought to just go up there and check...
:'''Rusty''': Oh, woo. Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. I still gotta brush my teeth, feed the hog, still got some homework to do, still got those bills to pay, wash the car...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Clark''': [''a squirrel is loose in the house''] Where is Eddie? He usually eats these goddamn things.
:'''Catherine''': Not recently, Clark, he read that squirrels were high in cholesterol.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:[''As Clark is trying to catch the loose squirrel'']
:'''Clark''': Russ!
:'''Russ''': Right here, dad
:'''Clark:''' Go get the hammer.
:'''Ellen''': Clark, what do you need a hammer for?
:'''Clark''': I'm gonna catch it in the coat... And smack it with the hammer.
:'''Ellen''': You are ''not'' going to kill that squirrel in front of all these kids!
:'''Clark''': Well honey, what do you suggest?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Uncle Lewis''': Hey Gris, if you're not doing anything constructive, run into the living room and get my stogies.
:'''Clark''': Is there anything else I can do for you, Uncle Lewis?
:'''Ellen''': He's an old man. This may be his last Christmas.
:'''Clark''': If he keeps it up, it ''will'' be his last Christmas.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Clark''': Hey, kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted [[Santa Claus|Santa]]'s sleigh on its way in from [[New York City]]. [''the kids sit up excitedly'']
:'''Eddie''': [''after a pause''] You serious, Clark?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Clark''': I simply solved the problem. We needed a coffin... Er, a tree. There are no lots open on Christmas Eve. Lewis burned down my tree so I replaced it as best I could. Voilà.
:'''Ellen''': Are you okay?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Art''': The little lights aren't twinkling.
:'''Clark''': I know, Art. And thanks for noticing.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:[''Snots is choking under the table making it shake'']
:'''Clark''': Uh, Eddie? What's wrong with the dog?
:[''Snots gags again, table shakes'']
:'''Eddie''': (Looks under table) Oh, he's just yakkin' on a bone.
:[''Snot coughs up the bone'']
:'''Eddie''': He got it up. He's alright, now.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Clark''': Our holidays were always such a mess.
:'''Clark Sr.''': Oh, yeah.
:'''Clark''': How'd you get through it?
:'''Clark Sr.''': I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ruby Sue''': Uncle Clark, are you sure you ain't Santa Claus?
:'''Clark''': I'm sure... I can't even afford to be an elf.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Clark''': Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no! We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. ''[Ellen gives him a glare for his language]'' And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse!
:'''Art''': You're goofy.
:'''Clark''': Don't piss me off, Art.
:'''Ellen''': Clark, it's over.
:'''Clark''': Not according to Santa's watch, it isn't.
:'''Clark, Sr.''': Clark.
:'''Clark''': Stay out of this, Dad.
:'''Ellen''': Clark, I think it's be best if everyone went home... before things get worse.
:'''Clark''': Worse?! How could things get any worse? Take a look around you, Ellen! We're at the threshold of Hell!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Clark''': My cousin-in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain...
:'''Eddie''': I appreciate that, Clark.
:'''Clark''': ...is innocent.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;  
''[Clark has just lost his tree and found out he had been stiffed on his Christmas bonus. He stalks outside the house, with his chainsaw.]''
:'''Audrey''': Uh oh, he's got that crazy look in his eye.
:'''Russ''': I told you we should've gone to Hawaii!
:'''Ellen''': CLARK, TURN THAT THING OFF AND GET IN THE HOUSE!
:'''Russ''': I'll go talk to him. ''[He walks up to Clark]'' You know, Dad, I've been thinking...''[Clark turns and stares crazily at Russ, his running chainsaw pointed in Russ' direction]''...Good talk, Dad!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Clark''': I think you've made a terrible mistake.
:'''SWAT officer''': I told you to freeze, mister!
:'''Clark''': May we BLINK?

== Taglines ==
* Yule crack up!
* There's No Place Like Home For A Holiday!

==See also==
*''[[National Lampoon's Vacation]]''
*''[[National Lampoon's European Vacation]]''

== Cast ==
* [[Chevy Chase]] - Clark Wilhelm &quot;Sparky&quot; Griswold, Jr.
* [[w:Beverly D'Angelo|Beverly D'Angelo]] - Ellen Griswold
* [[w:Juliette Lewis|Juliette Lewis]] - Audrey Griswold
* [[w:Johnny Galecki|Johnny Galecki]] - Russell 'Rusty/Russ' Griswold
* [[w:John Randolph (actor)|John Randolph]] - Clark Wilhelm Griswold, Sr.
* [[w:Diane Ladd|Diane Ladd]] - Nora Griswold
* [[w:E.G. Marshall|E.G. Marshall]] - Art Smith
* [[w:Doris Roberts|Doris Roberts]] - Frances Smith
* [[w:Randy Quaid|Randy Quaid]] - Cousin Edward &quot;Eddie&quot; Johnson
* [[w:Miriam Flynn|Miriam Flynn]] - Cousin Catherine Johnson
* [[w:Cody Burger|Cody Burger]] - Cousin Rocky Johnson
* [[w:Ellen Hamilton Latzen|Ellen Hamilton Latzen]] - Cousin Ruby Sue Johnson
* [[w:William Hickey|William Hickey]] - Uncle Lewis
* [[w:Mae Questel|Mae Questel]] - Aunt Bethany (final role)
* [[w:Nicholas Guest|Nicholas Guest]] - Todd Chester
* [[w:Julia Louis-Dreyfus|Julia Louis-Dreyfus]] - Margo Chester
* [[w:Brian Doyle-Murray|Brian Doyle-Murray]] - Mr. Frank Shirley

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0097958|title=Christmas Vacation}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=national_lampoons_christmas_vacation|title=National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation}}
* [http://bubba.org/nlcv/ National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation Fan Site]

[[Category:1989 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Christmas comedy films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by John Hughes (filmmaker)]]
[[Category:Films set in Chicago]]
[[Category:Films about dysfunctional families]]</text>
      <sha1>ooxvwe7bamz2qs9qnw8qjtjaw0xi2s3</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147397</id>
      <parentid>3147395</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T13:17:52Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Cousin Eddie */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="18826" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation|National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation]]''''' is a [[w:1989 in film|1989 film]] in which the Griswold family's plans for a big family Christmas predictably turn into a big disaster. It is the third installment in the [[w:National Lampoon|National Lampoon]] [[w:National Lampoon's Vacation (film series)|Griswold family series]].
:''Directed by [[w:Jeremiah S. Chechik|Jeremiah S. Chechik]]. Written by [[w:John Hughes|John Hughes]].''
{{center|'''Yule crack up!''' [[#taglines|Taglines]]}}

== Clark W. Griswold ==
* Well I'm gonna park the cars and get the luggage, and well, I'll be outside for the season.

* [''as an entourage of suits - led by Clark's boss - passes by single file''] Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.

* [''the newel post is wobbly so Clark cuts it off with a chain saw''] Fixed the newel post.

* LOTTA SAP in here. [''Spits then gives an a-ok sign''] Looks great! Little full, Lotta sap!!

* I dedicate this house to the Griswold Family Christmas.

*[''Handing Christmas lights to Russ''] Unravel these. We need to check every bulb. [''Pulls out a huge tangle of lights''] Oop. Little knot here, you can work on that. [''Hands it to Russ'']

* Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.

* Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people, and I want him brought right here! With a big ribbon on his head! And I want to look him straight in the eye, and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, bloodsucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-assed, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! HALLELUJAH! HOLY SHIT! Where's the Tylenol?

* Going for a new amateur recreational saucer sled land speed record, Clark W. Griswold, Jr. Remember, don't try this at home kids; I am a professional. Later dudes. Let 'er rip. Hang ten!

== Cousin Eddie ==
* If that thing had nine lives, he just spent 'em all. Whoo!

* Tha right there is a RV, I got it off my buddy and I sold him my house for that right there vehicle.

* I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brain but a piece of government plastic.

* Clark, I'd like to try to fumigate this here chair, it's a good quality item.  If you don't mind my askin', how much did she set you back?

* He's cute ain't he? Only problem is, he's got a little bit a Mississippi leg hound in 'im. If the mood catches him right, he'll grab your leg and just go to town. You don't want him around if you're wearing short pants, if you know what I mean. Word of warning though, if he does lay into ya, it's best to just let 'im finish.

* ''[After finding out that Clark is getting to be a member of the Jelly of the Month Club instead of getting his bonus] ''Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year.

== Others ==
* '''Audrey Griswold''': Would it be indecent to ask the grandparents to stay at a hotel?
* '''Ellen Griswold''': I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery.
* '''Ellen Griswold''': Welcome to our home - what's left of it.
* '''Art''': Hurry up, Clark. I'm freezing my baguettes off.
* '''Mr. Shirley''': [''Picks up the phone receiver''] Get me somebody. Anybody. And get me somebody while I'm waiting.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Ellen''': Clark, Audrey's frozen from the waist down.
:'''Clark''': That's all part of the experience, honey.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Todd Chester''': ''(mockingly)'' Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?
:'''Clark''': Bend over and I'll show you.
:'''Todd Chester''': ''(angrily)'' You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that, Griswold.
:'''Clark''': I wasn't talking to ''you''. [''looking at his wife, Margo'']

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ellen''': You set standards that no family activity can live up to.
:'''Clark''': When have I ever done that?
:'''Ellen''': Birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, funerals, holidays, vacations, graduations...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:[''Clark is looking at lingerie, as a voluptuous saleswoman approaches'']
:'''Mary''': Can I show you something?
:'''Clark''': Oh, I was just smelling - smiling. I was just blouse - browsing.
:'''Mary''': For your wife? For your girlfriend?
:'''Clark''': Uh... huh? What happened? I, uh, heh heh. ''[Mops his forehead with a pair of panties]'' Well, I guess it just wouldn't... ''[Realizes what he'd done and puts the panties back]'' Oh hee hee, it wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than they - HOTTER than they are. Whew. It is warm in here, isn't it?
:'''Mary''': You have your coat on.
:'''Clark''': Yes, oh do I? How'd that happen?
:'''Mary''': Because it's cold out?
:'''Clark''': Yes, Yes, it is a bit nipply out. I mean 'nippy out.' ''[Laughs]'' What am I saying, nipple? Ah, there is a nip in the air, though.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Clark''': 'Tis the season to be merry.
:'''Mary''': That's my name.
:'''Clark''': No shit.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[While eating dinner, Uncle Lewis smokes a cigar and drops it. A flame engulfs in the living room for a split second. Clark notices it and walks into the living room]''
:'''Clark''': Lewis?? ''[Tears up when he sees that his Christmas tree has been burnt into a crisp]'' MY TREE!
:'''Uncle Lewis''': So What's the matter with you?
:'''Clark''': '''Look what you've done to my tree!!!''' ''[Notices that Lewis is on fire in the back of his clothes]'' LEWIS! ''[Uses a curtain, grabs Lewis and pats his back to put out the fire]''
:''[Others come in and look at the destroyed tree]''
:'''Art''': It was an ugly tree anyway.
:'''Uncle Lewis''': At least it's out of its misery!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Aunt Bethany''': Is your house on fire, Clark?
:'''Clark Griswold''': No, Aunt Bethany, those are the Christmas lights.
:'''Aunt Bethany''': Don't throw me down, Clark.
:'''Clark Griswold''': I'll try not to, Aunt Bethany.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ellen''': Oh Aunt Bethany, you shouldn't have done that.
:'''Aunt Bethany''': Oh dear, did I break wind?
:'''Uncle Lewis''': Jesus, did the room clear out, Bethany? Hell, No, she means presents. You shouldn't have brought presents!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Uncle Lewis''': Hey Gris, Bethany and I figured out the perfect gift for you.
:'''Clark''': Aw, you didn't have to get me anything.
:'''Uncle Lewis''': Dammit, Bethany, he guessed it.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Aunt Bethany''': This house is bigger than your old one. Is Rusty still in the Navy?
:'''Ellen''': Aunt Bethany, why don't you go with Frances and Cathrine into the living room and say hello to everybody.
:'''Aunt Bethany''': Hello, everybody?
:'''Ellen''': Just in the living room...
:'''Aunt Bethany''': I should say it?
:'''Ellen''': You should say it.
:'''Aunt Bethany''': Hello, everybody!
:'''Ellen''': Hello, everybody.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Russ''': Dad.
:'''Clark''': Yeah.
:'''Russ''': This box is meowing.
:'''Clark''': Let me see.
:''[Clark takes the present, shakes it, and a cat wildly meows]''
:'''Clark''': She wrapped up her damn cat!
:'''Ellen''': Well, take it to the kitchen and open it up.
:'''Clark''': Then we'll have a cat running around the house.
:'''Ellen''': We can't leave it in the box.
:'''Russ''': Why would somebody put a cat in a box?
:'''Ellen''': She gets confused, Rusty. She's old. She and Uncle Louis don't have much money, so she takes things from around the house, wraps them up, and gives them away as presents.
:'''Russ''': ''[Mock enthusiasm]'' Great! Can't wait to see what I got.
:'''Eddie''': ''[comes in with another of Aunt Bethany's gifts]'' This one here, it's leakin'. ''[Ellen touches the liquid coming out with her finger and Eddie lick it]'' It's lime!
:'''Ellen''': That would be her Jell-O mold.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Eddie''': You surprised to see us, Clark?
:'''Clark''': Surprised Eddie?... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Clark''': Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere, leave you for dead?
:'''Eddie''': Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ellen''': What are you looking at?
:'''Clark''': Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer...
:''[Eddie, in the driveway, is draining the RV's toilet]''
:'''Eddie''': [''yells''] Shitter was full!
:'''Clark''': Ah, yeah.  You checked our shitters, honey?
:'''Ellen''': Clark, please. He doesn't know any better.
:'''Clark''': He oughta know it's illegal. That's a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ruby Sue''': Rocky bit my thumb. Him's nervous because Christmas is almost here.
:'''Clark''': Nervous or excited?
:'''Ruby Sue''': Shitting bricks.
:'''Clark''': You shouldn't use that word.
:'''Ruby Sue''': Sorry. Shitting rocks.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
''[Describing the metal plate in his head]''
:'''Eddie''': Well, they replaced it with a plastic one 'cause every time Katherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for a half-hour or so. And it ain't real sturdy so... I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.
:'''Clark''': Do you really think it matters, Eddie?
:'''Eddie''': ''[gesturing over the left side of his head]'' Well, you see, the plate runs underneath my part here, and the other side... ''[bangs his right side]'' Nothing. But here, if this gets dented, then my hair just ain't gonna look right.
:'''Clark''': Yeah, I know the feeling.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Eddie''': [''talking about Snots, Eddie's dog''] If you scratch his belly, Clark, he'll love you till the day you die.
:'''Clark''': I really shouldn't, Eddie, my hands are all chapped.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Todd''': Well, obviously something had to break the window, SOMETHING had to hit the stereo!
:'''Margo''': And why is the carpet all wet, ''Todd''?
:'''Todd''': I don't KNOW, ''Margo''.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Audrey''': Do you sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is?
:'''Ellen''': Well, I'm sleeping with your father. Don't be so dramatic.
:'''Audrey''': I have nightmares about what he does in his bed alone when I'm ''not'' lying right next to him.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Clark''': Since this is Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of Grace.
:'''Aunt Bethany''': What dear?
:'''Nora''': Grace!
:'''Aunt Bethany''': Grace? Ohhh...She passed away thirty years ago...
:'''Uncle Lewis''': They want you to say grace.... ''[Bethany looks confused. Lewis emphasizes his words]'' '''The BLESS-ING!!!'''
:'''Aunt Bethany''': Oh.
:''[everyone at the table folds their hands in prayer and reverently bows their heads]''
:'''Aunt Bethany''': I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, ''[Clark makes a confused face towards Aunt Bethany]'' and to the republic for which it stands - one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
:'''Clark''': ''[Annoyed]'' Amen.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Aunt Bethany''': What's that sound? ''[everybody looks up, and returns to activities, then Clark starts hearing it]'' Do you hear it!? It's a funny, squeaking sound.
:'''Uncle Lewis''': You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a [[wikipapers:Nitroglycerin|nitroglycerin]] plant!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:[''after Clark fails at lighting all the exterior Christmas lights at the &quot;lighting ceremony&quot; in front of the entire family'']
:'''Art''': ''[sarcastically]'' Beautiful, Clark.
:'''Frances''': Talk about pissing your money away. I hope you kids see what a silly waste of resources this was.
:'''Audrey Griswold''': He worked really hard, Grandma.
:'''Art''': So do washing machines.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Clark''': Russ, we checked every bulb, didn't we?
:'''Rusty''': Sure, Dad.
:'''Clark''': Hmm... Maybe we ought to just go up there and check...
:'''Rusty''': Oh, woo. Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. I still gotta brush my teeth, feed the hog, still got some homework to do, still got those bills to pay, wash the car...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Clark''': [''a squirrel is loose in the house''] Where is Eddie? He usually eats these goddamn things.
:'''Catherine''': Not recently, Clark, he read that squirrels were high in cholesterol.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:[''As Clark is trying to catch the loose squirrel'']
:'''Clark''': Russ!
:'''Russ''': Right here, dad
:'''Clark:''' Go get the hammer.
:'''Ellen''': Clark, what do you need a hammer for?
:'''Clark''': I'm gonna catch it in the coat... And smack it with the hammer.
:'''Ellen''': You are ''not'' going to kill that squirrel in front of all these kids!
:'''Clark''': Well honey, what do you suggest?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Uncle Lewis''': Hey Gris, if you're not doing anything constructive, run into the living room and get my stogies.
:'''Clark''': Is there anything else I can do for you, Uncle Lewis?
:'''Ellen''': He's an old man. This may be his last Christmas.
:'''Clark''': If he keeps it up, it ''will'' be his last Christmas.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Clark''': Hey, kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted [[Santa Claus|Santa]]'s sleigh on its way in from [[New York City]]. [''the kids sit up excitedly'']
:'''Eddie''': [''after a pause''] You serious, Clark?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Clark''': I simply solved the problem. We needed a coffin... Er, a tree. There are no lots open on Christmas Eve. Lewis burned down my tree so I replaced it as best I could. Voilà.
:'''Ellen''': Are you okay?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Art''': The little lights aren't twinkling.
:'''Clark''': I know, Art. And thanks for noticing.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:[''Snots is choking under the table making it shake'']
:'''Clark''': Uh, Eddie? What's wrong with the dog?
:[''Snots gags again, table shakes'']
:'''Eddie''': (Looks under table) Oh, he's just yakkin' on a bone.
:[''Snot coughs up the bone'']
:'''Eddie''': He got it up. He's alright, now.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Clark''': Our holidays were always such a mess.
:'''Clark Sr.''': Oh, yeah.
:'''Clark''': How'd you get through it?
:'''Clark Sr.''': I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ruby Sue''': Uncle Clark, are you sure you ain't Santa Claus?
:'''Clark''': I'm sure... I can't even afford to be an elf.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Clark''': Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no! We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. ''[Ellen gives him a glare for his language]'' And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse!
:'''Art''': You're goofy.
:'''Clark''': Don't piss me off, Art.
:'''Ellen''': Clark, it's over.
:'''Clark''': Not according to Santa's watch, it isn't.
:'''Clark, Sr.''': Clark.
:'''Clark''': Stay out of this, Dad.
:'''Ellen''': Clark, I think it's be best if everyone went home... before things get worse.
:'''Clark''': Worse?! How could things get any worse? Take a look around you, Ellen! We're at the threshold of Hell!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Clark''': My cousin-in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain...
:'''Eddie''': I appreciate that, Clark.
:'''Clark''': ...is innocent.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;  
''[Clark has just lost his tree and found out he had been stiffed on his Christmas bonus. He stalks outside the house, with his chainsaw.]''
:'''Audrey''': Uh oh, he's got that crazy look in his eye.
:'''Russ''': I told you we should've gone to Hawaii!
:'''Ellen''': CLARK, TURN THAT THING OFF AND GET IN THE HOUSE!
:'''Russ''': I'll go talk to him. ''[He walks up to Clark]'' You know, Dad, I've been thinking...''[Clark turns and stares crazily at Russ, his running chainsaw pointed in Russ' direction]''...Good talk, Dad!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Clark''': I think you've made a terrible mistake.
:'''SWAT officer''': I told you to freeze, mister!
:'''Clark''': May we BLINK?

== Taglines ==
* Yule crack up!
* There's No Place Like Home For A Holiday!

==See also==
*''[[National Lampoon's Vacation]]''
*''[[National Lampoon's European Vacation]]''

== Cast ==
* [[Chevy Chase]] - Clark Wilhelm &quot;Sparky&quot; Griswold, Jr.
* [[w:Beverly D'Angelo|Beverly D'Angelo]] - Ellen Griswold
* [[w:Juliette Lewis|Juliette Lewis]] - Audrey Griswold
* [[w:Johnny Galecki|Johnny Galecki]] - Russell 'Rusty/Russ' Griswold
* [[w:John Randolph (actor)|John Randolph]] - Clark Wilhelm Griswold, Sr.
* [[w:Diane Ladd|Diane Ladd]] - Nora Griswold
* [[w:E.G. Marshall|E.G. Marshall]] - Art Smith
* [[w:Doris Roberts|Doris Roberts]] - Frances Smith
* [[w:Randy Quaid|Randy Quaid]] - Cousin Edward &quot;Eddie&quot; Johnson
* [[w:Miriam Flynn|Miriam Flynn]] - Cousin Catherine Johnson
* [[w:Cody Burger|Cody Burger]] - Cousin Rocky Johnson
* [[w:Ellen Hamilton Latzen|Ellen Hamilton Latzen]] - Cousin Ruby Sue Johnson
* [[w:William Hickey|William Hickey]] - Uncle Lewis
* [[w:Mae Questel|Mae Questel]] - Aunt Bethany (final role)
* [[w:Nicholas Guest|Nicholas Guest]] - Todd Chester
* [[w:Julia Louis-Dreyfus|Julia Louis-Dreyfus]] - Margo Chester
* [[w:Brian Doyle-Murray|Brian Doyle-Murray]] - Mr. Frank Shirley

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0097958|title=Christmas Vacation}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=national_lampoons_christmas_vacation|title=National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation}}
* [http://bubba.org/nlcv/ National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation Fan Site]

[[Category:1989 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Christmas comedy films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by John Hughes (filmmaker)]]
[[Category:Films set in Chicago]]
[[Category:Films about dysfunctional families]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3147398</id>
      <parentid>3147397</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T13:18:12Z</timestamp>
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      <text bytes="18827" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation|National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation]]''''' is a [[w:1989 in film|1989 film]] in which the Griswold family's plans for a big family Christmas predictably turn into a big disaster. It is the third installment in the [[w:National Lampoon|National Lampoon]] [[w:National Lampoon's Vacation (film series)|Griswold family series]].
:''Directed by [[w:Jeremiah S. Chechik|Jeremiah S. Chechik]]. Written by [[w:John Hughes|John Hughes]].''
{{center|'''Yule crack up!''' [[#taglines|Taglines]]}}

== Clark W. Griswold ==
* Well I'm gonna park the cars and get the luggage, and well, I'll be outside for the season.

* [''as an entourage of suits - led by Clark's boss - passes by single file''] Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.

* [''the newel post is wobbly so Clark cuts it off with a chain saw''] Fixed the newel post.

* LOTTA SAP in here. [''Spits then gives an a-ok sign''] Looks great! Little full, Lotta sap!!

* I dedicate this house to the Griswold Family Christmas.

*[''Handing Christmas lights to Russ''] Unravel these. We need to check every bulb. [''Pulls out a huge tangle of lights''] Oop. Little knot here, you can work on that. [''Hands it to Russ'']

* Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.

* Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people, and I want him brought right here! With a big ribbon on his head! And I want to look him straight in the eye, and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, bloodsucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-assed, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! HALLELUJAH! HOLY SHIT! Where's the Tylenol?

* Going for a new amateur recreational saucer sled land speed record, Clark W. Griswold, Jr. Remember, don't try this at home kids; I am a professional. Later dudes. Let 'er rip. Hang ten!

== Cousin Eddie ==
* If that thing had nine lives, he just spent 'em all. Whoo!

* Tha right there is a RV, I got it off my buddy and I sold him my house for that right there vehicle.

* I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brain but a piece of government plastic.

* Clark, I'd like to try to fumigate this here chair, it's a good quality item.  If you don't mind my askin', how much did she set you back?

* He's cute ain't he? Only problem is, he's got a little bit a Mississippi leg hound in 'im. If the mood catches him right, he'll grab your leg and just go to town. You don't want him around if you're wearing short pants, if you know what I mean. Word of warning though, if he does lay into ya, it's best to just let 'im finish.

* ''[After finding out that Clark is getting to be a member of the Jelly of the Month Club instead of getting his bonus] ''Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year.

== Others ==
* '''Audrey Griswold''': Would it be indecent to ask the grandparents to stay at a hotel?
* '''Ellen Griswold''': I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery.
* '''Ellen Griswold''': Welcome to our home - what's left of it.
* '''Art''': Hurry up, Clark. I'm freezing my baguettes off.
* '''Mr. Shirley''': [''Picks up the phone receiver''] Get me somebody. Anybody. And get me somebody while I'm waiting.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Ellen''': Clark, Audrey's frozen from the waist down.
:'''Clark''': That's all part of the experience, honey.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Todd Chester''': ''(mockingly)'' Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?
:'''Clark''': Bend over and I'll show you.
:'''Todd Chester''': ''(angrily)'' You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that, Griswold.
:'''Clark''': I wasn't talking to ''you''. [''looking at his wife, Margo'']

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ellen''': You set standards that no family activity can live up to.
:'''Clark''': When have I ever done that?
:'''Ellen''': Birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, funerals, holidays, vacations, graduations...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:[''Clark is looking at lingerie, as a voluptuous saleswoman approaches'']
:'''Mary''': Can I show you something?
:'''Clark''': Oh, I was just smelling - smiling. I was just blouse - browsing.
:'''Mary''': For your wife? For your girlfriend?
:'''Clark''': Uh... huh? What happened? I, uh, heh heh. ''[Mops his forehead with a pair of panties]'' Well, I guess it just wouldn't... ''[Realizes what he'd done and puts the panties back]'' Oh hee hee, it wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than they - HOTTER than they are. Whew. It is warm in here, isn't it?
:'''Mary''': You have your coat on.
:'''Clark''': Yes, oh do I? How'd that happen?
:'''Mary''': Because it's cold out?
:'''Clark''': Yes, Yes, it is a bit nipply out. I mean 'nippy out.' ''[Laughs]'' What am I saying, nipple? Ah, there is a nip in the air, though.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Clark''': 'Tis the season to be merry.
:'''Mary''': That's my name.
:'''Clark''': No shit.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[While eating dinner, Uncle Lewis smokes a cigar and drops it. A flame engulfs in the living room for a split second. Clark notices it and walks into the living room]''
:'''Clark''': Lewis?? ''[Tears up when he sees that his Christmas tree has been burnt into a crisp]'' MY TREE!
:'''Uncle Lewis''': So What's the matter with you?
:'''Clark''': '''Look what you've done to my tree!!!''' ''[Notices that Lewis is on fire in the back of his clothes]'' LEWIS! ''[Uses a curtain, grabs Lewis and pats his back to put out the fire]''
:''[Others come in and look at the destroyed tree]''
:'''Art''': It was an ugly tree anyway.
:'''Uncle Lewis''': At least it's out of its misery!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Aunt Bethany''': Is your house on fire, Clark?
:'''Clark Griswold''': No, Aunt Bethany, those are the Christmas lights.
:'''Aunt Bethany''': Don't throw me down, Clark.
:'''Clark Griswold''': I'll try not to, Aunt Bethany.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ellen''': Oh Aunt Bethany, you shouldn't have done that.
:'''Aunt Bethany''': Oh dear, did I break wind?
:'''Uncle Lewis''': Jesus, did the room clear out, Bethany? Hell, No, she means presents. You shouldn't have brought presents!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Uncle Lewis''': Hey Gris, Bethany and I figured out the perfect gift for you.
:'''Clark''': Aw, you didn't have to get me anything.
:'''Uncle Lewis''': Dammit, Bethany, he guessed it.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Aunt Bethany''': This house is bigger than your old one. Is Rusty still in the Navy?
:'''Ellen''': Aunt Bethany, why don't you go with Frances and Cathrine into the living room and say hello to everybody.
:'''Aunt Bethany''': Hello, everybody?
:'''Ellen''': Just in the living room...
:'''Aunt Bethany''': I should say it?
:'''Ellen''': You should say it.
:'''Aunt Bethany''': Hello, everybody!
:'''Ellen''': Hello, everybody.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Russ''': Dad.
:'''Clark''': Yeah.
:'''Russ''': This box is meowing.
:'''Clark''': Let me see.
:''[Clark takes the present, shakes it, and a cat wildly meows]''
:'''Clark''': She wrapped up her damn cat!
:'''Ellen''': Well, take it to the kitchen and open it up.
:'''Clark''': Then we'll have a cat running around the house.
:'''Ellen''': We can't leave it in the box.
:'''Russ''': Why would somebody put a cat in a box?
:'''Ellen''': She gets confused, Rusty. She's old. She and Uncle Louis don't have much money, so she takes things from around the house, wraps them up, and gives them away as presents.
:'''Russ''': ''[Mock enthusiasm]'' Great! Can't wait to see what I got.
:'''Eddie''': ''[comes in with another of Aunt Bethany's gifts]'' This one here, it's leakin'. ''[Ellen touches the liquid coming out with her finger and Eddie lick it]'' It's lime!
:'''Ellen''': That would be her Jell-O mold.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Eddie''': You surprised to see us, Clark?
:'''Clark''': Surprised Eddie?... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Clark''': Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere, leave you for dead?
:'''Eddie''': Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ellen''': What are you looking at?
:'''Clark''': Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer...
:''[Eddie, in the driveway, is draining the RV's toilet]''
:'''Eddie''': [''yells''] Shitter was full!
:'''Clark''': Ah, yeah.  You checked our shitters, honey?
:'''Ellen''': Clark, please. He doesn't know any better.
:'''Clark''': He oughta know it's illegal. That's a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ruby Sue''': Rocky bit my thumb. Him's nervous because Christmas is almost here.
:'''Clark''': Nervous or excited?
:'''Ruby Sue''': Shitting bricks.
:'''Clark''': You shouldn't use that word.
:'''Ruby Sue''': Sorry. Shitting rocks.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Describing the metal plate in his head]''
:'''Eddie''': Well, they replaced it with a plastic one 'cause every time Katherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for a half-hour or so. And it ain't real sturdy so... I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.
:'''Clark''': Do you really think it matters, Eddie?
:'''Eddie''': ''[gesturing over the left side of his head]'' Well, you see, the plate runs underneath my part here, and the other side... ''[bangs his right side]'' Nothing. But here, if this gets dented, then my hair just ain't gonna look right.
:'''Clark''': Yeah, I know the feeling.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Eddie''': [''talking about Snots, Eddie's dog''] If you scratch his belly, Clark, he'll love you till the day you die.
:'''Clark''': I really shouldn't, Eddie, my hands are all chapped.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Todd''': Well, obviously something had to break the window, SOMETHING had to hit the stereo!
:'''Margo''': And why is the carpet all wet, ''Todd''?
:'''Todd''': I don't KNOW, ''Margo''.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Audrey''': Do you sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is?
:'''Ellen''': Well, I'm sleeping with your father. Don't be so dramatic.
:'''Audrey''': I have nightmares about what he does in his bed alone when I'm ''not'' lying right next to him.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Clark''': Since this is Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of Grace.
:'''Aunt Bethany''': What dear?
:'''Nora''': Grace!
:'''Aunt Bethany''': Grace? Ohhh...She passed away thirty years ago...
:'''Uncle Lewis''': They want you to say grace.... ''[Bethany looks confused. Lewis emphasizes his words]'' '''The BLESS-ING!!!'''
:'''Aunt Bethany''': Oh.
:''[everyone at the table folds their hands in prayer and reverently bows their heads]''
:'''Aunt Bethany''': I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, ''[Clark makes a confused face towards Aunt Bethany]'' and to the republic for which it stands - one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
:'''Clark''': ''[Annoyed]'' Amen.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Aunt Bethany''': What's that sound? ''[everybody looks up, and returns to activities, then Clark starts hearing it]'' Do you hear it!? It's a funny, squeaking sound.
:'''Uncle Lewis''': You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a [[wikipapers:Nitroglycerin|nitroglycerin]] plant!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:[''after Clark fails at lighting all the exterior Christmas lights at the &quot;lighting ceremony&quot; in front of the entire family'']
:'''Art''': ''[sarcastically]'' Beautiful, Clark.
:'''Frances''': Talk about pissing your money away. I hope you kids see what a silly waste of resources this was.
:'''Audrey Griswold''': He worked really hard, Grandma.
:'''Art''': So do washing machines.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Clark''': Russ, we checked every bulb, didn't we?
:'''Rusty''': Sure, Dad.
:'''Clark''': Hmm... Maybe we ought to just go up there and check...
:'''Rusty''': Oh, woo. Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. I still gotta brush my teeth, feed the hog, still got some homework to do, still got those bills to pay, wash the car...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Clark''': [''a squirrel is loose in the house''] Where is Eddie? He usually eats these goddamn things.
:'''Catherine''': Not recently, Clark, he read that squirrels were high in cholesterol.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:[''As Clark is trying to catch the loose squirrel'']
:'''Clark''': Russ!
:'''Russ''': Right here, dad
:'''Clark:''' Go get the hammer.
:'''Ellen''': Clark, what do you need a hammer for?
:'''Clark''': I'm gonna catch it in the coat... And smack it with the hammer.
:'''Ellen''': You are ''not'' going to kill that squirrel in front of all these kids!
:'''Clark''': Well honey, what do you suggest?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Uncle Lewis''': Hey Gris, if you're not doing anything constructive, run into the living room and get my stogies.
:'''Clark''': Is there anything else I can do for you, Uncle Lewis?
:'''Ellen''': He's an old man. This may be his last Christmas.
:'''Clark''': If he keeps it up, it ''will'' be his last Christmas.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Clark''': Hey, kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted [[Santa Claus|Santa]]'s sleigh on its way in from [[New York City]]. [''the kids sit up excitedly'']
:'''Eddie''': [''after a pause''] You serious, Clark?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Clark''': I simply solved the problem. We needed a coffin... Er, a tree. There are no lots open on Christmas Eve. Lewis burned down my tree so I replaced it as best I could. Voilà.
:'''Ellen''': Are you okay?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Art''': The little lights aren't twinkling.
:'''Clark''': I know, Art. And thanks for noticing.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:[''Snots is choking under the table making it shake'']
:'''Clark''': Uh, Eddie? What's wrong with the dog?
:[''Snots gags again, table shakes'']
:'''Eddie''': (Looks under table) Oh, he's just yakkin' on a bone.
:[''Snot coughs up the bone'']
:'''Eddie''': He got it up. He's alright, now.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Clark''': Our holidays were always such a mess.
:'''Clark Sr.''': Oh, yeah.
:'''Clark''': How'd you get through it?
:'''Clark Sr.''': I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ruby Sue''': Uncle Clark, are you sure you ain't Santa Claus?
:'''Clark''': I'm sure... I can't even afford to be an elf.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Clark''': Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no! We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. ''[Ellen gives him a glare for his language]'' And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse!
:'''Art''': You're goofy.
:'''Clark''': Don't piss me off, Art.
:'''Ellen''': Clark, it's over.
:'''Clark''': Not according to Santa's watch, it isn't.
:'''Clark, Sr.''': Clark.
:'''Clark''': Stay out of this, Dad.
:'''Ellen''': Clark, I think it's be best if everyone went home... before things get worse.
:'''Clark''': Worse?! How could things get any worse? Take a look around you, Ellen! We're at the threshold of Hell!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Clark''': My cousin-in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain...
:'''Eddie''': I appreciate that, Clark.
:'''Clark''': ...is innocent.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;  
''[Clark has just lost his tree and found out he had been stiffed on his Christmas bonus. He stalks outside the house, with his chainsaw.]''
:'''Audrey''': Uh oh, he's got that crazy look in his eye.
:'''Russ''': I told you we should've gone to Hawaii!
:'''Ellen''': CLARK, TURN THAT THING OFF AND GET IN THE HOUSE!
:'''Russ''': I'll go talk to him. ''[He walks up to Clark]'' You know, Dad, I've been thinking...''[Clark turns and stares crazily at Russ, his running chainsaw pointed in Russ' direction]''...Good talk, Dad!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Clark''': I think you've made a terrible mistake.
:'''SWAT officer''': I told you to freeze, mister!
:'''Clark''': May we BLINK?

== Taglines ==
* Yule crack up!
* There's No Place Like Home For A Holiday!

==See also==
*''[[National Lampoon's Vacation]]''
*''[[National Lampoon's European Vacation]]''

== Cast ==
* [[Chevy Chase]] - Clark Wilhelm &quot;Sparky&quot; Griswold, Jr.
* [[w:Beverly D'Angelo|Beverly D'Angelo]] - Ellen Griswold
* [[w:Juliette Lewis|Juliette Lewis]] - Audrey Griswold
* [[w:Johnny Galecki|Johnny Galecki]] - Russell 'Rusty/Russ' Griswold
* [[w:John Randolph (actor)|John Randolph]] - Clark Wilhelm Griswold, Sr.
* [[w:Diane Ladd|Diane Ladd]] - Nora Griswold
* [[w:E.G. Marshall|E.G. Marshall]] - Art Smith
* [[w:Doris Roberts|Doris Roberts]] - Frances Smith
* [[w:Randy Quaid|Randy Quaid]] - Cousin Edward &quot;Eddie&quot; Johnson
* [[w:Miriam Flynn|Miriam Flynn]] - Cousin Catherine Johnson
* [[w:Cody Burger|Cody Burger]] - Cousin Rocky Johnson
* [[w:Ellen Hamilton Latzen|Ellen Hamilton Latzen]] - Cousin Ruby Sue Johnson
* [[w:William Hickey|William Hickey]] - Uncle Lewis
* [[w:Mae Questel|Mae Questel]] - Aunt Bethany (final role)
* [[w:Nicholas Guest|Nicholas Guest]] - Todd Chester
* [[w:Julia Louis-Dreyfus|Julia Louis-Dreyfus]] - Margo Chester
* [[w:Brian Doyle-Murray|Brian Doyle-Murray]] - Mr. Frank Shirley

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0097958|title=Christmas Vacation}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=national_lampoons_christmas_vacation|title=National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation}}
* [http://bubba.org/nlcv/ National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation Fan Site]

[[Category:1989 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Christmas comedy films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by John Hughes (filmmaker)]]
[[Category:Films set in Chicago]]
[[Category:Films about dysfunctional families]]</text>
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'''''[[w:National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation|National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation]]''''' is a [[w:1989 in film|1989 film]] in which the Griswold family's plans for a big family Christmas predictably turn into a big disaster. It is the third installment in the [[w:National Lampoon|National Lampoon]] [[w:National Lampoon's Vacation (film series)|Griswold family series]].
:''Directed by [[w:Jeremiah S. Chechik|Jeremiah S. Chechik]]. Written by [[w:John Hughes|John Hughes]].''
{{center|'''Yule crack up!''' [[#taglines|Taglines]]}}

== Clark W. Griswold ==
* Well I'm gonna park the cars and get the luggage, and well, I'll be outside for the season.

* [''as an entourage of suits - led by Clark's boss - passes by single file''] Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.

* [''the newel post is wobbly so Clark cuts it off with a chain saw''] Fixed the newel post.

* LOTTA SAP in here. [''Spits then gives an a-ok sign''] Looks great! Little full, Lotta sap!!

* I dedicate this house to the Griswold Family Christmas.

*[''Handing Christmas lights to Russ''] Unravel these. We need to check every bulb. [''Pulls out a huge tangle of lights''] Oop. Little knot here, you can work on that. [''Hands it to Russ'']

* Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.

* Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people, and I want him brought right here! With a big ribbon on his head! And I want to look him straight in the eye, and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, bloodsucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-assed, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! HALLELUJAH! HOLY SHIT! Where's the Tylenol?

* Going for a new amateur recreational saucer sled land speed record, Clark W. Griswold, Jr. Remember, don't try this at home kids; I am a professional. Later dudes. Let 'er rip. Hang ten!

== Cousin Eddie ==
* If that thing had nine lives, he just spent 'em all. Whoo!

* Tha right there is a RV, I got it off my buddy and I sold him my house for that right there vehicle.

* I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brain but a piece of government plastic.

* Clark, I'd like to try to fumigate this here chair, it's a good quality item.  If you don't mind my askin', how much did she set you back?

* He's cute ain't he? Only problem is, he's got a little bit a Mississippi leg hound in 'im. If the mood catches him right, he'll grab your leg and just go to town. You don't want him around if you're wearing short pants, if you know what I mean. Word of warning though, if he does lay into ya, it's best to just let 'im finish.

* ''[After finding out that Clark is getting to be a member of the Jelly of the Month Club instead of getting his bonus] ''Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year.

== Others ==
* '''Audrey Griswold''': Would it be indecent to ask the grandparents to stay at a hotel?
* '''Ellen Griswold''': I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery.
* '''Ellen Griswold''': Welcome to our home - what's left of it.
* '''Art''': Hurry up, Clark. I'm freezing my baguettes off.
* '''Mr. Shirley''': [''Picks up the phone receiver''] Get me somebody. Anybody. And get me somebody while I'm waiting.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Ellen''': Clark, Audrey's frozen from the waist down.
:'''Clark''': That's all part of the experience, honey.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Todd Chester''': ''(mockingly)'' Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?
:'''Clark''': Bend over and I'll show you.
:'''Todd Chester''': ''(angrily)'' You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that, Griswold.
:'''Clark''': I wasn't talking to ''you''. [''looking at his wife, Margo'']

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ellen''': You set standards that no family activity can live up to.
:'''Clark''': When have I ever done that?
:'''Ellen''': Birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, funerals, holidays, vacations, graduations...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:[''Clark is looking at lingerie, as a voluptuous saleswoman approaches'']
:'''Mary''': Can I show you something?
:'''Clark''': Oh, I was just smelling - smiling. I was just blouse - browsing.
:'''Mary''': For your wife? For your girlfriend?
:'''Clark''': Uh... huh? What happened? I, uh, heh heh. ''[Mops his forehead with a pair of panties]'' Well, I guess it just wouldn't... ''[Realizes what he'd done and puts the panties back]'' Oh hee hee, it wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than they - HOTTER than they are. Whew. It is warm in here, isn't it?
:'''Mary''': You have your coat on.
:'''Clark''': Yes, oh do I? How'd that happen?
:'''Mary''': Because it's cold out?
:'''Clark''': Yes, Yes, it is a bit nipply out. I mean 'nippy out.' ''[Laughs]'' What am I saying, nipple? Ah, there is a nip in the air, though.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Clark''': 'Tis the season to be merry.
:'''Mary''': That's my name.
:'''Clark''': No shit.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[While eating dinner, Uncle Lewis smokes a cigar and drops it. A flame engulfs in the living room for a split second. Clark notices it and walks into the living room]''
:'''Clark''': Lewis?? ''[Tears up when he sees that his Christmas tree has been burnt into a crisp]'' MY TREE!
:'''Uncle Lewis''': So What's the matter with you?
:'''Clark''': '''Look what you've done to my tree!!!''' ''[Notices that Lewis is on fire in the back of his clothes]'' LEWIS! ''[Uses a curtain, grabs Lewis and pats his back to put out the fire]''
:''[Others come in and look at the destroyed tree]''
:'''Art''': It was an ugly tree anyway.
:'''Uncle Lewis''': At least it's out of its misery!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Aunt Bethany''': Is your house on fire, Clark?
:'''Clark Griswold''': No, Aunt Bethany, those are the Christmas lights.
:'''Aunt Bethany''': Don't throw me down, Clark.
:'''Clark Griswold''': I'll try not to, Aunt Bethany.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ellen''': Oh Aunt Bethany, you shouldn't have done that.
:'''Aunt Bethany''': Oh dear, did I break wind?
:'''Uncle Lewis''': Jesus, did the room clear out, Bethany? Hell, No, she means presents. You shouldn't have brought presents!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Uncle Lewis''': Hey Gris, Bethany and I figured out the perfect gift for you.
:'''Clark''': Aw, you didn't have to get me anything.
:'''Uncle Lewis''': Dammit, Bethany, he guessed it.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Aunt Bethany''': This house is bigger than your old one. Is Rusty still in the Navy?
:'''Ellen''': Aunt Bethany, why don't you go with Frances and Cathrine into the living room and say hello to everybody.
:'''Aunt Bethany''': Hello, everybody?
:'''Ellen''': Just in the living room...
:'''Aunt Bethany''': I should say it?
:'''Ellen''': You should say it.
:'''Aunt Bethany''': Hello, everybody!
:'''Ellen''': Hello, everybody.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Russ''': Dad.
:'''Clark''': Yeah.
:'''Russ''': This box is meowing.
:'''Clark''': Let me see.
:''[Clark takes the present, shakes it, and a cat wildly meows]''
:'''Clark''': She wrapped up her damn cat!
:'''Ellen''': Well, take it to the kitchen and open it up.
:'''Clark''': Then we'll have a cat running around the house.
:'''Ellen''': We can't leave it in the box.
:'''Russ''': Why would somebody put a cat in a box?
:'''Ellen''': She gets confused, Rusty. She's old. She and Uncle Louis don't have much money, so she takes things from around the house, wraps them up, and gives them away as presents.
:'''Russ''': ''[Mock enthusiasm]'' Great! Can't wait to see what I got.
:'''Eddie''': ''[comes in with another of Aunt Bethany's gifts]'' This one here, it's leakin'. ''[Ellen touches the liquid coming out with her finger and Eddie lick it]'' It's lime!
:'''Ellen''': That would be her Jell-O mold.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Eddie''': You surprised to see us, Clark?
:'''Clark''': Surprised Eddie?... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Clark''': Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere, leave you for dead?
:'''Eddie''': Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ellen''': What are you looking at?
:'''Clark''': Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer...
:''[Eddie, in the driveway, is draining the RV's toilet]''
:'''Eddie''': [''yells''] Shitter was full!
:'''Clark''': Ah, yeah.  You checked our shitters, honey?
:'''Ellen''': Clark, please. He doesn't know any better.
:'''Clark''': He oughta know it's illegal. That's a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ruby Sue''': Rocky bit my thumb. Him's nervous because Christmas is almost here.
:'''Clark''': Nervous or excited?
:'''Ruby Sue''': Shitting bricks.
:'''Clark''': You shouldn't use that word.
:'''Ruby Sue''': Sorry. Shitting rocks.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Describing the metal plate in his head]''
:'''Eddie''': Well, they replaced it with a plastic one 'cause every time Katherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for a half-hour or so. And it ain't real sturdy so... I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.
:'''Clark''': Do you really think it matters, Eddie?
:'''Eddie''': ''[gesturing over the left side of his head]'' Well, you see, the plate runs underneath my part here, and the other side... ''[bangs his right side]'' Nothing. But here, if this gets dented, then my hair just ain't gonna look right.
:'''Clark''': Yeah, I know the feeling.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Eddie''': [''talking about Snots, Eddie's dog''] If you scratch his belly, Clark, he'll love you till the day you die.
:'''Clark''': I really shouldn't, Eddie, my hands are all chapped.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Todd''': Well, obviously something had to break the window, SOMETHING had to hit the stereo!
:'''Margo''': And why is the carpet all wet, ''Todd''?
:'''Todd''': I don't KNOW, ''Margo''.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Audrey''': Do you sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is?
:'''Ellen''': Well, I'm sleeping with your father. Don't be so dramatic.
:'''Audrey''': I have nightmares about what he does in his bed alone when I'm ''not'' lying right next to him.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Clark''': Since this is Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of Grace.
:'''Aunt Bethany''': What dear?
:'''Nora''': Grace!
:'''Aunt Bethany''': Grace? Ohhh...She passed away thirty years ago...
:'''Uncle Lewis''': They want you to say grace.... ''[Bethany looks confused. Lewis emphasizes his words]'' '''The BLESS-ING!!!'''
:'''Aunt Bethany''': Oh.
:''[everyone at the table folds their hands in prayer and reverently bows their heads]''
:'''Aunt Bethany''': I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, ''[Clark makes a confused face towards Aunt Bethany]'' and to the republic for which it stands - one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
:'''Clark''': ''[Annoyed]'' Amen.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Aunt Bethany''': What's that sound? ''[everybody looks up, and returns to activities, then Clark starts hearing it]'' Do you hear it!? It's a funny, squeaking sound.
:'''Uncle Lewis''': You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a [[wikipapers:Nitroglycerin|nitroglycerin]] plant!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:[''after Clark fails at lighting all the exterior Christmas lights at the &quot;lighting ceremony&quot; in front of the entire family'']
:'''Art''': ''[sarcastically]'' Beautiful, Clark.
:'''Frances''': Talk about pissing your money away. I hope you kids see what a silly waste of resources this was.
:'''Audrey Griswold''': He worked really hard, Grandma.
:'''Art''': So do washing machines.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Clark''': Russ, we checked every bulb, didn't we?
:'''Rusty''': Sure, Dad.
:'''Clark''': Hmm... Maybe we ought to just go up there and check...
:'''Rusty''': Oh, woo. Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. I still gotta brush my teeth, feed the hog, still got some homework to do, still got those bills to pay, wash the car...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Clark''': [''a squirrel is loose in the house''] Where is Eddie? He usually eats these goddamn things.
:'''Catherine''': Not recently, Clark, he read that squirrels were high in cholesterol.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:[''As Clark is trying to catch the loose squirrel'']
:'''Clark''': Russ!
:'''Russ''': Right here, dad
:'''Clark:''' Go get the hammer.
:'''Ellen''': Clark, what do you need a hammer for?
:'''Clark''': I'm gonna catch it in the coat... And smack it with the hammer.
:'''Ellen''': You are ''not'' going to kill that squirrel in front of all these kids!
:'''Clark''': Well honey, what do you suggest?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Uncle Lewis''': Hey Gris, if you're not doing anything constructive, run into the living room and get my stogies.
:'''Clark''': Is there anything else I can do for you, Uncle Lewis?
:'''Ellen''': He's an old man. This may be his last Christmas.
:'''Clark''': If he keeps it up, it ''will'' be his last Christmas.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Clark''': Hey, kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted [[Santa Claus|Santa]]'s sleigh on its way in from [[New York City]]. [''the kids sit up excitedly'']
:'''Eddie''': [''after a pause''] You serious, Clark?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Clark''': I simply solved the problem. We needed a coffin... Er, a tree. There are no lots open on Christmas Eve. Lewis burned down my tree so I replaced it as best I could. Voilà.
:'''Ellen''': Are you okay?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Art''': The little lights aren't twinkling.
:'''Clark''': I know, Art. And thanks for noticing.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:[''Snots is choking under the table making it shake'']
:'''Clark''': Uh, Eddie? What's wrong with the dog?
:[''Snots gags again, table shakes'']
:'''Eddie''': (Looks under table) Oh, he's just yakkin' on a bone.
:[''Snot coughs up the bone'']
:'''Eddie''': He got it up. He's alright, now.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Clark''': Our holidays were always such a mess.
:'''Clark Sr.''': Oh, yeah.
:'''Clark''': How'd you get through it?
:'''Clark Sr.''': I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ruby Sue''': Uncle Clark, are you sure you ain't Santa Claus?
:'''Clark''': I'm sure... I can't even afford to be an elf.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Clark''': Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no! We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. ''[Ellen gives him a glare for his language]'' And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse!
:'''Art''': You're goofy.
:'''Clark''': Don't piss me off, Art.
:'''Ellen''': Clark, it's over.
:'''Clark''': Not according to Santa's watch, it isn't.
:'''Clark, Sr.''': Clark.
:'''Clark''': Stay out of this, Dad.
:'''Ellen''': Clark, I think it's be best if everyone went home... before things get worse.
:'''Clark''': Worse?! How could things get any worse? Take a look around you, Ellen! We're at the threshold of Hell!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Clark''': My cousin-in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain...
:'''Eddie''': I appreciate that, Clark.
:'''Clark''': ...is innocent.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;  
:''[Clark has just lost his tree and found out he had been stiffed on his Christmas bonus. He stalks outside the house, with his chainsaw.]''
:'''Audrey''': Uh oh, he's got that crazy look in his eye.
:'''Russ''': I told you we should've gone to Hawaii!
:'''Ellen''': CLARK, TURN THAT THING OFF AND GET IN THE HOUSE!
:'''Russ''': I'll go talk to him. ''[He walks up to Clark]'' You know, Dad, I've been thinking...''[Clark turns and stares crazily at Russ, his running chainsaw pointed in Russ' direction]''...Good talk, Dad!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Clark''': I think you've made a terrible mistake.
:'''SWAT officer''': I told you to freeze, mister!
:'''Clark''': May we BLINK?

== Taglines ==
* Yule crack up!
* There's No Place Like Home For A Holiday!

==See also==
*''[[National Lampoon's Vacation]]''
*''[[National Lampoon's European Vacation]]''

== Cast ==
* [[Chevy Chase]] - Clark Wilhelm &quot;Sparky&quot; Griswold, Jr.
* [[w:Beverly D'Angelo|Beverly D'Angelo]] - Ellen Griswold
* [[w:Juliette Lewis|Juliette Lewis]] - Audrey Griswold
* [[w:Johnny Galecki|Johnny Galecki]] - Russell 'Rusty/Russ' Griswold
* [[w:John Randolph (actor)|John Randolph]] - Clark Wilhelm Griswold, Sr.
* [[w:Diane Ladd|Diane Ladd]] - Nora Griswold
* [[w:E.G. Marshall|E.G. Marshall]] - Art Smith
* [[w:Doris Roberts|Doris Roberts]] - Frances Smith
* [[w:Randy Quaid|Randy Quaid]] - Cousin Edward &quot;Eddie&quot; Johnson
* [[w:Miriam Flynn|Miriam Flynn]] - Cousin Catherine Johnson
* [[w:Cody Burger|Cody Burger]] - Cousin Rocky Johnson
* [[w:Ellen Hamilton Latzen|Ellen Hamilton Latzen]] - Cousin Ruby Sue Johnson
* [[w:William Hickey|William Hickey]] - Uncle Lewis
* [[w:Mae Questel|Mae Questel]] - Aunt Bethany (final role)
* [[w:Nicholas Guest|Nicholas Guest]] - Todd Chester
* [[w:Julia Louis-Dreyfus|Julia Louis-Dreyfus]] - Margo Chester
* [[w:Brian Doyle-Murray|Brian Doyle-Murray]] - Mr. Frank Shirley

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0097958|title=Christmas Vacation}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=national_lampoons_christmas_vacation|title=National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation}}
* [http://bubba.org/nlcv/ National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation Fan Site]

[[Category:1989 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Christmas comedy films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by John Hughes (filmmaker)]]
[[Category:Films set in Chicago]]
[[Category:Films about dysfunctional families]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Crusade (TV series)|Crusade]]''''' ([[w:1999 in television|1999]]), a short-lived spinoff to ''[[Babylon 5]]'', picks up the ''B5'' storyline following a biological attack on Earth that dooms its inhabitants to death within five years. Maverick Captain Matthew Gideon and the crew of the ''Excalibur'' desperately search known space for any information on how to cure the plague before the literal deadline.

:''Note:Quotes are organized by episode, in the order that series creator [[J. Michael Straczynski]] intended for them to be seen (intended airdate order).''
__NOTOC__
{| width=&quot;75%&quot; class=&quot;wikitable&quot; style=&quot; clear:both; &quot;
|-
| colspan=&quot;4&quot; align=&quot;center&quot; | '''''Crusade episodes'''''
|-
! width=&quot;25%&quot; align=&quot;center&quot; style=&quot; background-color: #FF6666; &quot; | '''Intended airdate order'''
! width=&quot;25%&quot; align=&quot;center&quot; style=&quot; background-color: #44FF44; &quot; | '''Actual airdate order'''
! width=&quot;25%&quot; align=&quot;center&quot; style=&quot; background-color: #9999FF; &quot; | '''Chronological order'''
! width=&quot;25%&quot; align=&quot;center&quot; style=&quot; background-color: #DDDDDD; &quot; | '''Misc.'''
|-
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#Racing the Night|Racing the Night]]
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#War Zone|War Zone]]
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#War Zone|War Zone]]
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#Cast|Cast]]
|-
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#The Needs of Earth|The Needs of Earth]]
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#The Long Road|The Long Road]]
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#The Long Road|The Long Road]]
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#See also|See also]]
|-
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#The Memory of War|The Memory of War]]
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#The Well of Forever|The Well of Forever]]
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#Appearances and Other Deceits|Appearances and Other Deceits]]
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#External links|External links]]
|-
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#The Long Road|The Long Road]]
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#The Path of Sorrows|The Path of Sorrows]]
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#The Memory of War|The Memory of War]]
| align=&quot;center&quot; style=&quot; background-color: #DDDDDD; &quot; | '''Other pages'''
|-
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#Visitors from Down the Street|Visitors from Down the Street]]
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#Patterns of the Soul|Patterns of the Soul]]
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#The Needs of Earth|The Needs of Earth]]
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[Babylon 5#Babylon 5: A Call to Arms|A Call to Arms]]&lt;br&gt;(pilot movie)
|-
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#The Well of Forever|The Well of Forever]]
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#Ruling from the Tomb|Ruling from the Tomb]]
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#Racing the Night|Racing the Night]]
| align=&quot;center&quot; | ''[[Babylon 5]]''
|-
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#Each Night I Dream of Home|Each Night I Dream of Home]]
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#The Rules of the Game|The Rules of the Game]]
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#Visitors From Down the Street|Visitors From Down the Street]]
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[J. Michael Straczynski]]
|-
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#Patterns of the Soul|Patterns of the Soul]]
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#Appearances and Other Deceits|Appearances and Other Deceits]]
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#Each Night I Dream of Home|Each Night I Dream of Home]]
|-
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#The Path of Sorrows|The Path of Sorrows]]
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#Racing the Night|Racing the Night]]
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#The Path of Sorrows|The Path of Sorrows]]
|-
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#Ruling from the Tomb|Ruling from the Tomb]]
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#The Memory of War|The Memory of War]]
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#Patterns of the Soul|Patterns of the Soul]]
|-
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#The Rules of the Game|The Rules of the Game]]
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#The Needs of Earth|The Needs of Earth]]
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#Ruling From the Tomb|Ruling From the Tomb]]
|-
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#War Zone|War Zone]]
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#Visitors from Down the Street|Visitors from Down the Street]]
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#The Well of Forever|The Well of Forever]]
|-
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#Appearances and Other Deceits|Appearances and Other Deceits]]
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#Each Night I Dream of Home|Each Night I Dream of Home]]
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#The Rules of the Game|The Rules of the Game]]
|-
|}
&lt;p style=&quot; font-size: smaller; &quot;&gt;*See the [[w:Crusade (TV series)#Episodes|Crusade article]] on Wikipedia for an explanation of the multiple episode orders.&lt;/p&gt;

== [[w:Racing the Night|Racing the Night]] ==

:'''Eilerson''': Nations rise and fall. Planets live and die. But corporations go on, through good times and bad, because it's all about profit. {{hnote| On DVD, JMS comments: 'Yes, Max also does speak at times the voice of the author. But if - you know, if you can't speak your own voice from time to time making a show, what's the point?' }}

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Galen''': Never contradict a Technomage when he's saving your life. Again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Gideon''' ''(to Matheson)'': Don't think.
:'''Galen''': Yes, quite right. If you wanted to think, you should never have joined the military in the first place.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Galen''': I was just thinking on whether or not a comment would be 'most wanted or least needed'.
:'''Gideon''': I thought you said you don't hold a grudge?
:'''Galen''': I don't. I have no surviving enemies. ''At all.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Eilerson and Matheson are discussing going back to the planet.]''
:'''Eilerson''': I say we find out what the problem is, take care of it.  I believe blowing it up is the usual solution to these things. And then we go back for the rest, and avenge the untimely death of Crewman...
:'''Matheson''': Varelli.
:'''Eilerson''': Varelli. ''[pauses]'' Vivisected.  Terrible way to die.  We have to have our priorities, after all.
:'''Galen''': Did you say... vivisected?
:'''Chambers''': Yes, nearly all his internal organs were missing.
:'''Galen''': ...now that ''is'' interesting...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Galen''': When you have reached the end of the road, then you can decide whether to go to the left or to the right, to fire or to water. If you make those decisions before you have even set foot upon the road, it will take you ''nowhere''. ''[pauses]'' Except to a bad end.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Holographic Galen''': Oh, my. Whatever shall I do? They've all left without me. I knew I'd forget where we parked that shuttle. I hope something dreadful doesn't happen to me.
:''[He&lt;!-- actually it's Galen's 'homunculus' - &quot;something similar to a hologram but more substantial&quot; --&gt; looks up to see a ship overhead.]''
:'''Holographic Galen''': Oh, look. ''Something dreadful.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Gideon''': They don't want us leaving with what we know.  Too bad we don't know anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Galen''': If I'm going to die, I'd rather do so in a room with a view.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Galen''' ''(ref:to Gideon)'': Ten years ago, I rescued a stray cat. That brings with it a degree of obligation. I can't exactly go wandering off every time he gets stuck up a tree, now can I?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Galen''': In the end, it's all the [[w:Book of Job|story of Job]], isn't it?
:'''Gideon''': Some days, it feels like our faith is being tested, same as his.
:'''Galen''': Where do you put your faith, Matthew? In science? Your luck? This ship?
:'''Gideon''': I haven't decided.
:'''Galen''': Well, then, if this ''is'' the story of Job, a great deal of people are being inconvenienced for your benefit. Hope you appreciate it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Dureena attempts to get Galen to teach her everything he knows about technomancy.]''
:'''Galen''': The answer is still no. For now.
:'''Dureena''': Then there's hope?
:'''Galen''': There is always hope, only because that is the one thing no one has figured out how to kill. Yet.

== [[w:The Needs of Earth|The Needs of Earth]] ==

:'''Chambers''' ''(on the porn that came from Eilerson's data crystal)'': There's something you don't see every day.
:...
:'''Chambers''': As a Doctor, I have to say that's totally unrealistic. An alien life form like the Pak'Ma'Ra is not biologically equipped to interface with humans in that kind of... 
:'''Gideon''': It's an amazing thing, technology.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Gideon''': I may have an idea.
:'''Dureena''': I don't think you've recovered from your last good idea.
:'''Gideon''': That would explain it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Matheson''': How odd. To know everyone's heart but my own.

== [[w:The Memory of War|The Memory of War]] ==

:''[Gideon orders that probes be dropped onto the planet.]''
:'''Galen''': I want you to know that this thing just made a very large dent in my ship. Did you ever think about looking outside before you start throwing things overboard?
:'''Gideon''': Maybe next time you'll let us know when you're coming. So what brings you here this time?
:'''Galen''': An attempt, in all probability foolish and useless, to prevent you from going down to that planet.
:'''Gideon''': Galen, my people have been looking for this place since we left Earth. Now that you're here, what could you possibly say that would change that?
:'''Galen''': Well, how about if you go down there, the odds are that none of you will return alive? ''[pauses]'' Clear me for docking. Put away the breakables. Turn on the landing lights. I'm coming in.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[The crew finds a planet that is a [[w:paradigm|paradigm]] for Earth's infection with the Drakh plague.]''
:'''Galen''': Oh, how wonderful.  A paradigm.  I'm sure the race that died beneath us would love to know that their fate had been reduced to a paradigm.''[pauses]'' Sorry. Do go on.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Eilerson''' ''(to Dureena)'': I've decided to re-define our relationship. You pretend that you can't speak. I'll pretend that I can't hear. We'll get along famously.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Gideon returns to grab a weapon.]''
:'''Eilerson''': Where are you going?
:'''Gideon''': To follow a friend into hell.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Gideon talks to the Apocalypse Box.]''
:'''Apocalypse Box''': Do not trust.
:'''Gideon''': Do not trust who?
:'''Apocalypse Box''': Galen.

== [[w:The Long Road (Crusade)|The Long Road]] ==

:''[Miners on a planet report sabotage... and a gold dragon.]''
:'''Galen''': If I'm right, this is definitely something you should see.
:'''Gideon''': And if you're wrong?
:'''Galen''': Oh well that hardly seems likely, now does it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Alwyn''': If they come with guns, they will leave in boxes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Alwyn's demon-like creatures are attacking Earthforce personnel.]''
:'''Galen''': The teeth are a very nice touch.
:'''Alwyn''': You think so? Not too big?
:'''Galen''': No, I think they are just about right.
:'''Alwyn''': Yes, I suppose you're right.

== [[w:Visitors from Down the Street|Visitors from Down the Street]] ==

:'''Matheson''': Showing that we can obey the new regs is all that stands between us and the creation of a new Psi-Corps. I'm not gonna be the one to mess that up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Durkani''': Sooner of later, the truth is going to come out. The truth is --
:'''Kendarr''': Out of fashion.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[launching the probes with the interstellar encyclopedia.]''
:'''Matheson''': There are probably some who'll say that by doing this, we are interfering with their culture.
:'''Gideon''': Probably. Screw them.

== [[w:The Well of Forever|The Well of Forever]] ==

:''[Galen visits Dureena's quarters for the first time.]''
:'''Galen''': What have you done to your quarters?
:'''Dureena''': I made it the right size. I don't know why everybody else always makes things huge. This is the way I like it, nice and small. Have a seat.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Galen''': Do you think I'm hiding things from you?
:'''Dureena''': Gideon says we all have things to hide.
:'''Galen''': Does he? How unfortunate. I was hoping he'd come farther than that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Upon first contact with the Fenn in hyperspace.]''
:'''Gideon''': No it's not! It's mating with us?
:'''Galen''': Well it's not exactly the first contact situation that I'd envisioned, but ...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Gideon''' ''(to Galen)'': I didn't ask how you screwed me, I asked why.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Galen''': Every technomage knows the fourteen words that will make someone fall in love with you forever, but she [Isabelle] only needed one.
:'''Gideon''': What word?
:'''Galen''': Hello.

== [[w:Each Night I Dream of Home|Each Night I Dream of Home]] ==

:''[Lochely is walking around, having left Med Bay without permission.]''
:'''Lochley''': No, I'm fine, I'm fine.
:'''Gideon''': Of course. You're just holding up the wall in case of emergency.
:'''Lochley''': Yeah, well, I thought it looked kind of weak. I try and do my part.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Lochley has invited Gideon to stop by at B5.]''
:'''Matheson''': You're smiling.
:'''Gideon''': No, I'm not.
:'''Matheson''': With respect, sir ...
:'''Gideon''': It's gas. Look, who are you going to believe, me or my face?

== [[w:Patterns of the Soul|Patterns of the Soul]] ==

:''[After receiving orders to go to Theta 49, Eilerson complains about the destination.]''
:'''Eilerson''': IPX doesn't give paid holidays.
:'''Gideon''': For a cause like this, I think we'd all happily chip in.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Max Eilerson''': [to Gideon] Must be difficult for you, being a career military officer, having to play the roles of jailer, ferryman, executioner. That's where we're different. I just do what I'm told. The corporation knows all, sees all, and tells very little. If we make a bad call, we can honestly say that we've acted in good conscience based on the information available. Absolution in absentia, the blessed state of being able to say, &quot;It's not my fault.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Gideon''': Granted, I'm a bit eccentric, as captains go.
:'''Dureena''': Yeah. You gamble.
:'''Gideon''': Yeah.
:'''Dureena''': Yeah. You cheat.
:'''Gideon''': That's subjective.
:'''Dureena''': You never tell anyone the whole truth.
:'''Gideon''': And who does?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Dureena finds a lost tribe of her people.]''
:'''Dureena''': Your colony is the last of our people.
:'''Female Elder''': No!
:'''Dureena''': Yes. Xander Prime is destroyed. That's why I travel with the Humans. Our world as you remember it is dead. Until today, I thought I was the last of our race. If you don't seek help for the plague, it will mean the true end of our civilization.

== [[w:The Path of Sorrows|The Path of Sorrows]] ==

:'''Galen''': Now that I have your attention, be a good fellow and humor me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Matheson walks in the bullet car, where Galen has just been for a few hours, sitting.]''
:'''Matheson''': You like going nowhere at 120 miles an hour?
:'''Galen''': Of course. That is man's natural condition.

== [[w:Ruling from the Tomb|Ruling from the Tomb]] ==
:'''Max Eilerson''': I try to never upset someone who's at the helm of a rapidly falling object when I'm in it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Lochley''': Look, Captain, I didn't ask for this assignment. This whole Drakh virus conference was Dr. [[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]'s idea. ... Now when Earthforce asked for an officer to oversee it, the good doctor put me at the top of his shortlist. Now, right now, my main goal is to find a cure for this so I can go Earthside and thank Stephen in person with a large brick.
:'''Gideon''': Well, there's incentive.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Lochley''': Captain Gideon, 'security' happens to be my middle name.
:'''Gideon''': That's all well and good, but just in case your last name is 'breach' it won't hurt for me to double-check.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Lochley confronts Gideon regarding an autopsy report.]''
:'''Lochley''': You know what you are?
:'''Gideon''': Ruggedly handsome?
:'''Lochley''': A control freak.
:'''Gideon''': Can't I be both?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Trace and Eilerson argue over who gets to dance with Dureena.]''
:'''Dureena''': Gods, I am drowning in testosterone.
:'''Eilerson''': Well, luckily for you, you're equipped with flotation devices.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Lochley''': Who was your old hero?
:'''Gideon''': Truthfully? John Sheridan.
:'''Lochley''': John Sheridan? No kidding.
:'''Gideon''': Were you ever under him?
:''[Lochley chokes on drink.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Lochley''': Can I be blunt?
:'''Gideon''': That's a trick question, right?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Gideon''': You're telling me some guy actually managed to land you? Got you to lower your defenses enough to commit, and then let you get away? God, he must be the biggest loser in the galaxy.
:'''Lochley''': Oh, major loser. They don't come any bigger.
:'''Gideon''': Loser have a name?
:'''Lochley''': John Sheridan.
:''[Gideon spits out drink.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Gideon to Lochley''': Captain, you are the most double-talking, suspicious, second-guessing individual I have ever seen since the last time I looked in a mirror.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Lochley''': Do you believe that there is a supreme being?
:'''Gideon''': Aside from John Sheridan?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Gideon''': Captain, I have five years to cure the Drakh plague. Do I believe in God? I'll get back to you on that in five years and one day.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Max Eilerson''': One man's lunatic is another man's saint or holy martyr. In the words of T.S. Eliot, &quot;Saint and martyr rule from the tomb.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Dureena''': You know, on my world, it was considered great evil to even try to presume to speak on behalf of the universe.

== [[w:The Rules of the Game (Crusade)|The Rules of the Game]] ==

:'''Gideon''': [[Plato]] once said that for everything that exists, there is a perfect form of it somewhere. A perfect Human being, a perfect chair, a perfect stick; so that everything is a Shadow of that one perfect form. Now, if we follow that train of thought, that means that somewhere in the universe there exists the perfect form of an absolute and complete idiot. And he left here an hour ago.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Eilerson''' ''(to Rolf Mueller)'': The term is prodigy. Seven letters, three syllables. I can see why it might give you problems.

== [[w:War Zone|War Zone]] ==

:'''Gideon''': This is my command. I'll do whatever's necessary. If that means turning the entire galaxy upside down and shaking its pockets to see what falls out, then that's what I'll do. I'm not subtle. I'm not pretty, and I'll piss off a lot of people along the way. But I'll get the job done.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Trace Miller''': I've got plans for the weekend and being dead ain't part of 'em.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Dureena''': Yes, I'm a thief, and a damned good one. Need to get inside something? Get out? Tunnel under? Go around? Go through? I'm it. You're going to hit some pretty strange places and you're going to need a lock pick. There isn't a lock made that I can't get through.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Gideon hears Galen over a comline.]''
:'''Galen''': Hello, Matthew. I just wanted you to know that I am here, and I'm watching, in case you should need help.
:'''Gideon''': Who's this?
:'''Galen''': Have you forgotten me so soon? Sad, but the way of the world, I suppose. Expect me when you see me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Eilerson''': I can appreciate dramatic irony as much as the next person, but this is pushing it a bit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Drakh|Drakh]] Captain''': And when your world is gone, who will support you? Who will you serve? ''Who will you be?''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Gideon and Matheson talk about Eilerson.]''
:'''Matthew Gideon''': He may be a pain in the ass, but he will be ''our'' pain in the ass.

== [[w:Appearances and Other Deceits|Appearances and Other Deceits]] ==

:''[Gideon records in his log.]''
:'''Gideon''': It's now three days since our visitors arrived on behalf of Earthgov's political affairs office. There's apparently some concern with how our work here is being perceived back home. They've been assigned to help us. Before their tour is finished, I may have to kill them, assuming Lt. Matheson doesn't beat me to it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Mr. Welles''': If anyone knows how to survive political change, it's me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Eilerson''': Never a [[w:Rosetta Stone|Rosetta Stone]] when you need one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Gideon''': Eilerson was right about all of this. I hate it when he's right. He'll be insufferable for days.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Gideon gripes about the new grey uniforms with red trim.]''
:'''Gideon''':  I look like a bellhop.

== Cast ==

* [[w:Gary Cole|Gary Cole]] — Capt. Matthew Gideon
* [[w:Daniel Dae Kim|Daniel Dae Kim]] — Lt. John Matheson
* David Allen Brooks — Max Eilerson
* [[w:Peter Woodward|Peter Woodward]] — Galen
* [[w:Marjean Holden|Marjean Holden]] — Dr. Sarah Chambers
* Carrie Dobro — Dureena Nafeel
* [[w:Tracy Scoggins|Tracy Scoggins]] — Capt. Elizabeth Lochley
* Alex Mendoza — Trace Miller

== See also ==

* [[Babylon 5]]
* [[Television shows]]

== External links ==

{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0149437|title=Crusade}}
* [http://www.midwinter.com/lurk/guide/113.html Lurker's Guide to Crusade]
* [http://tgm.firstones.com/wiki/Crusade ''Crusade''] at The Great Machine (B5 &amp; Crusade wiki)

[[Category:1990s American science fiction TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:TNT shows]]
[[Category:American television spin-offs]]</text>
      <sha1>oxneas0j0qd4di4tg75kmem3y9917qx</sha1>
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  <page>
    <title>Talk:Socrates</title>
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        <ip>2601:C8:280:3BF0:98E6:793A:5EC2:3F64</ip>
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      <text bytes="19659" xml:space="preserve">== Plato/ Socrates ==
Are there any guidlines for quoting Plato as Socrates himself in his works? Or should these quotes go to the [[Plato]] article? --[[User:Slac|Slac]] 23:45, 27 May 2005 (UTC)
:We have no guideline yet, I think. And in my opinion it is not a good way to quote Plato's hero as &quot;Socrates&quot; ...--[[User:Aphaia|Aphaia]] 00:11, 28 May 2005 (UTC)
:: As nearly all we have of Socrates comes through Plato's accounts there is little choice but to quote him through Plato's attributions, or those of a few others. The writings of Plato can of course &lt;nowiki&gt;Insert non-formatted text here&lt;/nowiki&gt;be quotey often are based on the teachings of Socrates, but indications should be made when he claims to be quoting the statements of others, including Socrates. ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 00:28, 28 May 2005 (UTC)
:::Then should we move the quotes from the [[Plato]] article that are attributed to Socrates in his works? --[[User:Slac|Slac]] 00:54, 28 May 2005 (UTC)
::::They can exist in both places, but ideally with comments regarding the origins in both. Some doubt how accurately Plato reflected some of Socrates statements and ideas, and think he often may have expressed many of his own ideas and attitudes through his portrayals of Socrates, but much of his testimony is generally accepted as accurate and genuine, and there is little definite reason to doubt some of it. There are also of course many variant translations of Plato and others from the ancient Greek that could be used, and when possible the translation used should be cited. ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 01:30, 28 May 2005 (UTC)
:::::We also have Xenophon and (the obviously satire) Aristophanes. Plato, Xenophon, and Aristophanes all describe very different versions of Socrates such that I think we should be suspicious of our ability to judge what historical Socrates was like. In addition to this, there is a lot of reason (e.g. the advancement in thought in Plato's work after Socrates' death that is nevertheless communicated via Socrates, that Plato explicitly indicates that he was absent from certain conversations) to suppose that Plato didn't stick to an accurate description of Socrates' thought. -- Anon 7 July 2017
:::::OK, that's how I figured it might en deal as long as the everything is neatly explained, cited, and in order. &quot;Noble and orderly,&quot; I think is how they would've wanted it. :) --[[User:Slac|Slac]] 01:48, 28 May 2005 (UTC)

::Aphaia, what do you mean by this? --[[User:Slac|Slac]] 03:28, 28 May 2005 (UTC)

== not a plato/socrates quote? ==
what is the citation for the 'education is the kindling of a flame ...' quote? wasn't this yeats, rather than plato? the closest plato comes to anything like this is in Republic 7, at the end of the Cave (518c-d) - education is turning the eye to the light, not putting sight in the eye.
:I've just looked into this - no sign - and moved it to misattributions. [[User:Gordonofcartoon|Gordonofcartoon]] 18:54, 2 December 2009 (UTC)

== Unsourced quotes listed as sourced ==

&quot;Could I climb to the highest place in Athens ...&quot; and &quot;Education is the kindling of a flame ...&quot; are listed under Sourced:Plato, but no sources are given.  I'm moving these two quotes.  --[[User:75.15.135.58|75.15.135.58]] 05:12, 2 September 2007 (UTC)

== Unsourced ==
Moved from article per current practice. [[User:Gordonofcartoon|Gordonofcartoon]] 18:53, 2 December 2009 (UTC)
* The secret of happiness, you see, is not found in seeking more, but in developing the capacity to enjoy less

* All men's souls are immortal, but the souls of the righteous are immortal and divine.

* An education obtained with money is worse than no education at all. [This quote is widely attributed to Socrates. For example, as cited (p. 12) by: Sasser, Renee M., &quot;The Perceptions of Teachers in a Rural South Georgia County Regarding Merit Pay Based on Student Achievement&quot; (2011). Electronic Theses &amp; Dissertations. Paper 387. &lt;http://digitalcommons.georgiasouthern.edu/etd/387/&gt;]

* An honest man is always a child.

* As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take the course he will. He will be sure to repent.

* Be of good cheer about death and know this as a truth — that no evil can happen to a good man, either in life or after death.

* Be slow to fall into friendship; but when thou art in, continue firm and constant.

* Beauty is a short-lived tyranny.

* Beauty is the bait which with delight allures man to enlarge his kind.

* Beware the barrenness of a busy life.

* By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
** Variant: ''By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.''

* Call no man unhappy until he is married.

* Contentment is natural wealth, luxury is artificial poverty.

* Could I climb to the highest place in Athens, I would lift my voice and proclaim, &quot;Fellow citizens, why do you turn and scrape every stone to gather wealth, and take so little care of your children to whom one day you must relinquish it all?&quot;

* Death may be the greatest of all human blessings.

* Do not do to others what angers you if done to you by others.

* Employ your time in improving yourself by other men's writings, so that you shall gain easily what others have labored hard for.
** Variant: ''Employ your time in improving yourself by other men's writings so that you shall come easily by what others have labored hard for.''

* Envy is the ulcer of the soul.

* Fame is the perfume of heroic deeds.

* Flattery is like friendship in show, but not in fruit.

* For who is there but you? Who not only claim to be a good man and a gentleman, for many are this, and yet have not the power of making others good. Whereas you are not only good yourself, but also the cause of goodness in others.

* Four things belong to a judge: to hear courteously, to answer wisely, to consider soberly, and to decide impartially.

* From the deepest desires often come the deadliest hate.

* Get not your friends by bare compliments, but by giving them sensible tokens of your love.

* He is richest who is content with the least, for content is the wealth of nature.

* He who is not contented with what he has, would not be contented with what he would like to have.

* I am the wisest man alive, for I know one thing, and that is that I know nothing.

* I cannot teach anybody anything, I can only make them think.

* I decided that it was not wisdom that enabled poets to write their poetry, but a kind of instinct or inspiration, such as you find in seers and prophets who deliver all their sublime messages without knowing in the least what they mean. (Socrates, In &quot;Apology,&quot; sct. 21, by Plato.
Greek philosopher in Athens [469 BC - 399 BC])

* I hold that to need nothing is divine, and the less a man needs the nearer he does approach divinity.

* I pray Thee, O God, that I may be beautiful within.

* I was afraid that by observing objects with my eyes and trying to comprehend them with each of my other senses I might blind my soul altogether.

* I was really too honest a man to be a politician and live.

* If a man is proud of his wealth, he should not be praised until it is known how he employs it.

* If all misfortunes were laid in one common heap whence everyone must take an equal portion, most people would be contented to take their own and depart.
** Variant: ''If all our misfortunes were laid in one common heap whence everyone must take an equal portion, most people would be contented to take their own and depart.''

* If thou continuest to take delight in idle argumentation, thou mayest be qualified to combat with the sophists, but never know how to love with men.

* Let him that would move the world first move himself.

* May the outward and inward man be at one.

* My belief is that to have no wants is divine.

* Not life, but good life, is to be chiefly valued.

* One who is injured ought not to return the injury, for on no account can it be right to do an injustice; and it is not right to return an injury, or to do evil to any man, however much we have suffered from him.

* Our prayers should be for blessings in general, for God knows best what is good for us.

* Philosophy begins with wonder.

* Regard your good name as the richest jewel you can possibly be possessed of — for credit is like fire; when once you have kindled it you may easily preserve it, but if you once extinguish it, you will find it an arduous task to rekindle it again. The way to gain a good reputation is to endeavor to be what you desire to appear.

* Remember that there is nothing stable in human affairs; therefore avoid undue elation in prosperity, or undue depression in adversity.
** Variant: ''Remember, no human condition is ever permanent. Then you will not be overjoyed in good fortune nor too scornful in misfortune.''

* Remember what is unbecoming to do is also unbecoming to speak of.

* See one promontory, one mountain, one sea, one river and see all.

* Such as thy words are, such will thy affections be esteemed; and such will thy deeds be as thy affections and such thy life as thy deeds.

* The fear of death is indeed the pretense of wisdom, and not real wisdom, being a pretense of knowing the unknown . . . and no one knows whether death which men in their fear apprehend to be the greatest evil, may not be the greatest good. . . .

* The fewer our wants, the nearer we resemble the gods.

* The greatest way to live with honor in this world is to be what we pretend to be.

* The nearest way to glory is to strive to be what you wish to be thought to be.

* The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.

* The poets are only the interpreters of the Gods.

* The shortest and surest way to live with honour in the world, is to be in reality what we would appear to be; and if we observe, we shall find, that all human virtues increase and strengthen themselves by the practice of them.

* The way to gain a good reputation is to endeavor to be what you desire to appear.

* Think not those faithful who praise all thy words and actions; but those who kindly reprove thy faults.

* Thou shouldst eat to live; not live to eat.

* To find yourself, think for yourself.

* To need nothing is divine, and the less a man needs the nearer does he approach to divinity.

* True knowledge exists in knowing that you know nothing.

* True wisdom comes to each of us when we realize how little we understand about life, ourselves, and the world around us.

* Upon the score of fore-knowledge and divining I am infinitely inferior to the swans. When they perceive approaching death they sing more merrily than before, because of the joy they have in going to the God they serve.

* Virtue does not come from wealth, but health, and every other good thing which men have comes from virtue.

* We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is a habit.

* What a lot of things there are a man can do without.

* What you cannot enforce, do not command.

* Wind buffs up empty bladders; opinion, fools.

* Wisdom begins in wonder.

==Original Ancient Greek==

Can we get the original, pre-translation Ancient Greek here, where possible? For example, part of [[Socrates#Plato|the quotation from 354b in ''The Republic'']] is ἕν οἶδα ὅτι οὐδὲν οἶδα (''hen oida hoti ouden oida'', &quot;I know one thing, that I know nothing&quot;). [[User:Doremítzwr|Doremítzwr]] 15:00, 12 April 2010 (UTC)

: I don't believe it should be a goal to have all foreign quotes on all pages rendered in such ways, since there are now multiple language wikiquote projects, but placing some quotes in the original language is entirely acceptable here, and especially encouraged when they are short and very significant ones such as this. ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &amp;middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 16:04, 12 April 2010 (UTC)

:: How should it be added? I am unfamiliar with Wikiquote's formatting standards ''&amp;c''. [[User:Doremítzwr|Doremítzwr]] 15:48, 15 April 2010 (UTC)

==&quot;As for me, all I know is that I know nothing&quot;==
I don't think this is Rep. 354b, but rather 354c. Also, the original reads &quot;μοι νυνι γεγομεν εκ του διαλογου μηδεν ειδεναι&quot;, which, roughly translated, means as much as &quot;I didn't learn anything during this talk&quot;.
{{unsignedip|84.132.237.35|22:15, 27 February 2011}}

:Whatever the un-cited source of this translation is, it does not appear to be in [http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&amp;q=Republic+%22all+I+know+is+that+I+know+nothing%22&amp;um=1&amp;ie=UTF-8&amp;tbo=u&amp;tbs=bks:1&amp;source=og&amp;sa=N&amp;tab=wp GoogleBooks]. Grube (1974) translates it as &quot;... the result of our discussion for me is that I know nothing.&quot; Jowett (1871) translates it as &quot;... the result of the whole discussion has been that I know nothing at all.&quot; Reading the paragraph of 354b-c in any good translation, it is clear that Plato's intent in concluding Book I thusly is to say that the foregoing has raised the question of Justice and dispensed with some misconceptions about it, but has not yet gotten to the root of what Justice is. (In Grube's translation,  Book II begins &quot;... this was only a prelude.&quot;) &lt;p&gt; The Wikipedia article about &quot;[[w:I know that I know nothing|I know that I know nothing]]&quot; lists other &quot;origins&quot; that ''also'' do not say the same thing, but treats them as if they do. Priscilla Sakezles, in [http://www.skeptic.com/eskeptic/08-06-25/#feature &quot;Socratic Skepticism,&quot;], ''eSkeptic'' (25 June 2008) identifies still more false origins, and discusses why this misrepresents  Socrates. A commenter at that column aptly notes, &quot;as always, context is everything.&quot; &lt;p&gt; Taking the clause out of context and universalizing it (with boldface!) misleads the reader about Socrates' epistemological stance. (As with a similar statement attributed by Diogenes Laertius.) Socrates' brand of ''skepticism'' is all about questioning assumptions and, arguably, denying the validity of certain absolutes. It has nothing to do with denying the possibility of knowledge. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] 00:36, 1 March 2011 (UTC)

==&quot;Man must rise above the Earth—to the top of the atmosphere and beyond—for only thus will he fully understand the world in which he lives&quot;==

This quote appears in the Plato's Dialogue, Phaedo, around 109e. The Greek text is: τὸ δὲ εἶναι ταὐτόν, ὑπ᾽ ἀσθενείας καὶ βραδυτῆτος οὐχ οἵους τε εἶναι ἡμᾶς διεξελθεῖν ἐπ᾽ ἔσχατον τὸν ἀέρα: ἐπεί, εἴ τις αὐτοῦ ἐπ᾽ ἄκρα ἔλθοι ἢ πτηνὸς γενόμενος ἀνάπτοιτο, κατιδεῖν ἂν ἀνακύψαντα, ὥσπερ ἐνθάδε οἱ ἐκ τῆς θαλάττης ἰχθύες ἀνακύπτοντες ὁρῶσι τὰ ἐνθάδε, οὕτως ἄν τινα καὶ τὰ ἐκεῖ κατιδεῖν, καὶ εἰ ἡ φύσις ἱκανὴ εἴη ἀνασχέσθαι θεωροῦσα, γνῶναι ἂν ὅτι ἐκεῖνός ἐστιν ὁ ἀληθῶς οὐρανὸς καὶ τὸ ἀληθινὸν φῶς. A translation can be found by referencing the [http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=Plat.+Phaedo+109&amp;fromdoc=Perseus%3Atext%3A1999.01.0170 Perseus project].

This seems to be fairly uniformly attributed to Socrates, and is usually quoted by aviation enthusiasts or space exploration advocates. I had my doubts about its authenticity because I wasn't sure Socrates would have had a concept of 'the top the atmosphere' as such, but I have seen variants where 'the clouds' replaces 'the atmosphere'. The earliest example I can find of it is from a 1982 book &quot;Shuttle&quot; by David C. Onley. Can anyone shed any light on this quote? [[User:HisRuntyDogma|HisRuntyDogma]] ([[User talk:HisRuntyDogma|talk]]) 02:23, 8 July 2012 (UTC)

:A little earlier. It appears in an issue of 'Designer' magazine (UK) 1977. [[User:HisRuntyDogma|HisRuntyDogma]] ([[User talk:HisRuntyDogma|talk]]) 09:16, 8 July 2012 (UTC)
::There's something vaguely similar to this in Aristophanes' ''The Clouds''. No obvious ancient source though, and unlikely to be correct in the form above due to anachronistic ideas. --[[User:Tryst|&lt;span style=&quot;color:Violet; font-family:Tahoma&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;User:&lt;/span&gt;'''Tryst'''&lt;/span&gt;]] [[User talk:Tryst|(talk to me!)]] 09:30, 8 July 2012 (UTC)

An exact translation from greek is: &quot;... because of our weakness and slowness we are unable to cross and reach the edge of air (atmosphere). Because if someone reaches its edge or gain wings and fly, he will raise up his head and see, in a way that the fish down here pull up their heads above the sea and see the world around them, shall see the things up there. And if his hold is firm and continues to watch he may perceive that that is the real sky, the real light and the real earth. Our earth down here and the stones and all the places are in decay and is eroded, as those that are inside the sea from the salt...&quot;

== Envy quotation ==

* Τοῖς μὲν διὰ τοῦ ἡλίου πορενομένοις ἕπεται κατ' ἀνάγκην σκιὰ, τοῖς δὲ διὰ δόξης βαδίζουσιν ἀκολουθεῖ φθόνος
** As those who walk in the sun are of necessity followed by their shadow, so also those who tread the paths of fame are pursued by envy.
*** Potentially from Strobaeus ''Florilegium'' XXXVIII. 34 [https://archive.org/details/dictionaryquota04harbgoog]

[[User:IOHANNVSVERVS|IOHANNVSVERVS]] ([[User talk:IOHANNVSVERVS|talk]]) 16:28, 27 March 2017 (UTC)

== Plutarch ??? ==

Under Quotes about Socrates we have the following remark attributed to Plutarch, which contains references to medieval Popes which Plutarch cannot possibly have made. If the reference is to some book ABOUT Plutarch, this should be made clear. Please clean up the attribution.

The accusations of atheism, the introducing of foreign deities, and corrupting of the Athenian youth, which were made against Socrates, afforded ample justification for Plato to conceal the arcane preaching of his doctrines. Doubtless the peculiar diction or 'jargon' of the alchemists was employed for a like purpose. The dungeon, the rack, and the fagot were employed without scruple by Christians of every shade, the Roman Catholics especially, against all who taught even natural science contrary to the theories entertained by the Church. Pope Gregory the Great even inhibited the grammatical use of Latin as heathenish. The offense of Socrates consisted in unfolding to his disciples the arcane doctrine concerning the gods, which was taught in the Mysteries and was a capital crime. He also was charged by Aristophanes with introducing the new god Dinos into the republic as the demiurgos or artificer, and the lord of the solar universe. The Heliocentric system was also a doctrine of the Mysteries; and hence, when Aristarchus the Pythagorean taught it openly, Cleanthes declared that the Greeks ought to have called him to account and condemned him for blasphemy against the gods,&quot; — (&quot;Plutarch&quot;). But Socrates had never been initiated, and hence divulged nothing which had ever been imparted to him.
Plutarch quoted by H.P. Blavatsky, in Isis Unveiled: A Master-Key to the Mysteries of Ancient and Modern Science and Theology, Vol. I, Before the Veil, (1877)

== my uncle passung ==

how did my uncle pass away ? [[Special:Contributions/2601:C8:280:3BF0:98E6:793A:5EC2:3F64|2601:C8:280:3BF0:98E6:793A:5EC2:3F64]] 01:19, 27 July 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>f7ptqzaswhi4zij49asv7qztduuigmp</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147961</id>
      <parentid>3147959</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T01:19:54Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2601:C8:280:3BF0:98E6:793A:5EC2:3F64</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="19679" xml:space="preserve">hey how yu doing ?

== Plato/ Socrates ==
Are there any guidlines for quoting Plato as Socrates himself in his works? Or should these quotes go to the [[Plato]] article? --[[User:Slac|Slac]] 23:45, 27 May 2005 (UTC)
:We have no guideline yet, I think. And in my opinion it is not a good way to quote Plato's hero as &quot;Socrates&quot; ...--[[User:Aphaia|Aphaia]] 00:11, 28 May 2005 (UTC)
:: As nearly all we have of Socrates comes through Plato's accounts there is little choice but to quote him through Plato's attributions, or those of a few others. The writings of Plato can of course &lt;nowiki&gt;Insert non-formatted text here&lt;/nowiki&gt;be quotey often are based on the teachings of Socrates, but indications should be made when he claims to be quoting the statements of others, including Socrates. ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 00:28, 28 May 2005 (UTC)
:::Then should we move the quotes from the [[Plato]] article that are attributed to Socrates in his works? --[[User:Slac|Slac]] 00:54, 28 May 2005 (UTC)
::::They can exist in both places, but ideally with comments regarding the origins in both. Some doubt how accurately Plato reflected some of Socrates statements and ideas, and think he often may have expressed many of his own ideas and attitudes through his portrayals of Socrates, but much of his testimony is generally accepted as accurate and genuine, and there is little definite reason to doubt some of it. There are also of course many variant translations of Plato and others from the ancient Greek that could be used, and when possible the translation used should be cited. ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 01:30, 28 May 2005 (UTC)
:::::We also have Xenophon and (the obviously satire) Aristophanes. Plato, Xenophon, and Aristophanes all describe very different versions of Socrates such that I think we should be suspicious of our ability to judge what historical Socrates was like. In addition to this, there is a lot of reason (e.g. the advancement in thought in Plato's work after Socrates' death that is nevertheless communicated via Socrates, that Plato explicitly indicates that he was absent from certain conversations) to suppose that Plato didn't stick to an accurate description of Socrates' thought. -- Anon 7 July 2017
:::::OK, that's how I figured it might en deal as long as the everything is neatly explained, cited, and in order. &quot;Noble and orderly,&quot; I think is how they would've wanted it. :) --[[User:Slac|Slac]] 01:48, 28 May 2005 (UTC)

::Aphaia, what do you mean by this? --[[User:Slac|Slac]] 03:28, 28 May 2005 (UTC)

== not a plato/socrates quote? ==
what is the citation for the 'education is the kindling of a flame ...' quote? wasn't this yeats, rather than plato? the closest plato comes to anything like this is in Republic 7, at the end of the Cave (518c-d) - education is turning the eye to the light, not putting sight in the eye.
:I've just looked into this - no sign - and moved it to misattributions. [[User:Gordonofcartoon|Gordonofcartoon]] 18:54, 2 December 2009 (UTC)

== Unsourced quotes listed as sourced ==

&quot;Could I climb to the highest place in Athens ...&quot; and &quot;Education is the kindling of a flame ...&quot; are listed under Sourced:Plato, but no sources are given.  I'm moving these two quotes.  --[[User:75.15.135.58|75.15.135.58]] 05:12, 2 September 2007 (UTC)

== Unsourced ==
Moved from article per current practice. [[User:Gordonofcartoon|Gordonofcartoon]] 18:53, 2 December 2009 (UTC)
* The secret of happiness, you see, is not found in seeking more, but in developing the capacity to enjoy less

* All men's souls are immortal, but the souls of the righteous are immortal and divine.

* An education obtained with money is worse than no education at all. [This quote is widely attributed to Socrates. For example, as cited (p. 12) by: Sasser, Renee M., &quot;The Perceptions of Teachers in a Rural South Georgia County Regarding Merit Pay Based on Student Achievement&quot; (2011). Electronic Theses &amp; Dissertations. Paper 387. &lt;http://digitalcommons.georgiasouthern.edu/etd/387/&gt;]

* An honest man is always a child.

* As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take the course he will. He will be sure to repent.

* Be of good cheer about death and know this as a truth — that no evil can happen to a good man, either in life or after death.

* Be slow to fall into friendship; but when thou art in, continue firm and constant.

* Beauty is a short-lived tyranny.

* Beauty is the bait which with delight allures man to enlarge his kind.

* Beware the barrenness of a busy life.

* By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
** Variant: ''By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.''

* Call no man unhappy until he is married.

* Contentment is natural wealth, luxury is artificial poverty.

* Could I climb to the highest place in Athens, I would lift my voice and proclaim, &quot;Fellow citizens, why do you turn and scrape every stone to gather wealth, and take so little care of your children to whom one day you must relinquish it all?&quot;

* Death may be the greatest of all human blessings.

* Do not do to others what angers you if done to you by others.

* Employ your time in improving yourself by other men's writings, so that you shall gain easily what others have labored hard for.
** Variant: ''Employ your time in improving yourself by other men's writings so that you shall come easily by what others have labored hard for.''

* Envy is the ulcer of the soul.

* Fame is the perfume of heroic deeds.

* Flattery is like friendship in show, but not in fruit.

* For who is there but you? Who not only claim to be a good man and a gentleman, for many are this, and yet have not the power of making others good. Whereas you are not only good yourself, but also the cause of goodness in others.

* Four things belong to a judge: to hear courteously, to answer wisely, to consider soberly, and to decide impartially.

* From the deepest desires often come the deadliest hate.

* Get not your friends by bare compliments, but by giving them sensible tokens of your love.

* He is richest who is content with the least, for content is the wealth of nature.

* He who is not contented with what he has, would not be contented with what he would like to have.

* I am the wisest man alive, for I know one thing, and that is that I know nothing.

* I cannot teach anybody anything, I can only make them think.

* I decided that it was not wisdom that enabled poets to write their poetry, but a kind of instinct or inspiration, such as you find in seers and prophets who deliver all their sublime messages without knowing in the least what they mean. (Socrates, In &quot;Apology,&quot; sct. 21, by Plato.
Greek philosopher in Athens [469 BC - 399 BC])

* I hold that to need nothing is divine, and the less a man needs the nearer he does approach divinity.

* I pray Thee, O God, that I may be beautiful within.

* I was afraid that by observing objects with my eyes and trying to comprehend them with each of my other senses I might blind my soul altogether.

* I was really too honest a man to be a politician and live.

* If a man is proud of his wealth, he should not be praised until it is known how he employs it.

* If all misfortunes were laid in one common heap whence everyone must take an equal portion, most people would be contented to take their own and depart.
** Variant: ''If all our misfortunes were laid in one common heap whence everyone must take an equal portion, most people would be contented to take their own and depart.''

* If thou continuest to take delight in idle argumentation, thou mayest be qualified to combat with the sophists, but never know how to love with men.

* Let him that would move the world first move himself.

* May the outward and inward man be at one.

* My belief is that to have no wants is divine.

* Not life, but good life, is to be chiefly valued.

* One who is injured ought not to return the injury, for on no account can it be right to do an injustice; and it is not right to return an injury, or to do evil to any man, however much we have suffered from him.

* Our prayers should be for blessings in general, for God knows best what is good for us.

* Philosophy begins with wonder.

* Regard your good name as the richest jewel you can possibly be possessed of — for credit is like fire; when once you have kindled it you may easily preserve it, but if you once extinguish it, you will find it an arduous task to rekindle it again. The way to gain a good reputation is to endeavor to be what you desire to appear.

* Remember that there is nothing stable in human affairs; therefore avoid undue elation in prosperity, or undue depression in adversity.
** Variant: ''Remember, no human condition is ever permanent. Then you will not be overjoyed in good fortune nor too scornful in misfortune.''

* Remember what is unbecoming to do is also unbecoming to speak of.

* See one promontory, one mountain, one sea, one river and see all.

* Such as thy words are, such will thy affections be esteemed; and such will thy deeds be as thy affections and such thy life as thy deeds.

* The fear of death is indeed the pretense of wisdom, and not real wisdom, being a pretense of knowing the unknown . . . and no one knows whether death which men in their fear apprehend to be the greatest evil, may not be the greatest good. . . .

* The fewer our wants, the nearer we resemble the gods.

* The greatest way to live with honor in this world is to be what we pretend to be.

* The nearest way to glory is to strive to be what you wish to be thought to be.

* The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.

* The poets are only the interpreters of the Gods.

* The shortest and surest way to live with honour in the world, is to be in reality what we would appear to be; and if we observe, we shall find, that all human virtues increase and strengthen themselves by the practice of them.

* The way to gain a good reputation is to endeavor to be what you desire to appear.

* Think not those faithful who praise all thy words and actions; but those who kindly reprove thy faults.

* Thou shouldst eat to live; not live to eat.

* To find yourself, think for yourself.

* To need nothing is divine, and the less a man needs the nearer does he approach to divinity.

* True knowledge exists in knowing that you know nothing.

* True wisdom comes to each of us when we realize how little we understand about life, ourselves, and the world around us.

* Upon the score of fore-knowledge and divining I am infinitely inferior to the swans. When they perceive approaching death they sing more merrily than before, because of the joy they have in going to the God they serve.

* Virtue does not come from wealth, but health, and every other good thing which men have comes from virtue.

* We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is a habit.

* What a lot of things there are a man can do without.

* What you cannot enforce, do not command.

* Wind buffs up empty bladders; opinion, fools.

* Wisdom begins in wonder.

==Original Ancient Greek==

Can we get the original, pre-translation Ancient Greek here, where possible? For example, part of [[Socrates#Plato|the quotation from 354b in ''The Republic'']] is ἕν οἶδα ὅτι οὐδὲν οἶδα (''hen oida hoti ouden oida'', &quot;I know one thing, that I know nothing&quot;). [[User:Doremítzwr|Doremítzwr]] 15:00, 12 April 2010 (UTC)

: I don't believe it should be a goal to have all foreign quotes on all pages rendered in such ways, since there are now multiple language wikiquote projects, but placing some quotes in the original language is entirely acceptable here, and especially encouraged when they are short and very significant ones such as this. ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &amp;middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 16:04, 12 April 2010 (UTC)

:: How should it be added? I am unfamiliar with Wikiquote's formatting standards ''&amp;c''. [[User:Doremítzwr|Doremítzwr]] 15:48, 15 April 2010 (UTC)

==&quot;As for me, all I know is that I know nothing&quot;==
I don't think this is Rep. 354b, but rather 354c. Also, the original reads &quot;μοι νυνι γεγομεν εκ του διαλογου μηδεν ειδεναι&quot;, which, roughly translated, means as much as &quot;I didn't learn anything during this talk&quot;.
{{unsignedip|84.132.237.35|22:15, 27 February 2011}}

:Whatever the un-cited source of this translation is, it does not appear to be in [http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&amp;q=Republic+%22all+I+know+is+that+I+know+nothing%22&amp;um=1&amp;ie=UTF-8&amp;tbo=u&amp;tbs=bks:1&amp;source=og&amp;sa=N&amp;tab=wp GoogleBooks]. Grube (1974) translates it as &quot;... the result of our discussion for me is that I know nothing.&quot; Jowett (1871) translates it as &quot;... the result of the whole discussion has been that I know nothing at all.&quot; Reading the paragraph of 354b-c in any good translation, it is clear that Plato's intent in concluding Book I thusly is to say that the foregoing has raised the question of Justice and dispensed with some misconceptions about it, but has not yet gotten to the root of what Justice is. (In Grube's translation,  Book II begins &quot;... this was only a prelude.&quot;) &lt;p&gt; The Wikipedia article about &quot;[[w:I know that I know nothing|I know that I know nothing]]&quot; lists other &quot;origins&quot; that ''also'' do not say the same thing, but treats them as if they do. Priscilla Sakezles, in [http://www.skeptic.com/eskeptic/08-06-25/#feature &quot;Socratic Skepticism,&quot;], ''eSkeptic'' (25 June 2008) identifies still more false origins, and discusses why this misrepresents  Socrates. A commenter at that column aptly notes, &quot;as always, context is everything.&quot; &lt;p&gt; Taking the clause out of context and universalizing it (with boldface!) misleads the reader about Socrates' epistemological stance. (As with a similar statement attributed by Diogenes Laertius.) Socrates' brand of ''skepticism'' is all about questioning assumptions and, arguably, denying the validity of certain absolutes. It has nothing to do with denying the possibility of knowledge. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] 00:36, 1 March 2011 (UTC)

==&quot;Man must rise above the Earth—to the top of the atmosphere and beyond—for only thus will he fully understand the world in which he lives&quot;==

This quote appears in the Plato's Dialogue, Phaedo, around 109e. The Greek text is: τὸ δὲ εἶναι ταὐτόν, ὑπ᾽ ἀσθενείας καὶ βραδυτῆτος οὐχ οἵους τε εἶναι ἡμᾶς διεξελθεῖν ἐπ᾽ ἔσχατον τὸν ἀέρα: ἐπεί, εἴ τις αὐτοῦ ἐπ᾽ ἄκρα ἔλθοι ἢ πτηνὸς γενόμενος ἀνάπτοιτο, κατιδεῖν ἂν ἀνακύψαντα, ὥσπερ ἐνθάδε οἱ ἐκ τῆς θαλάττης ἰχθύες ἀνακύπτοντες ὁρῶσι τὰ ἐνθάδε, οὕτως ἄν τινα καὶ τὰ ἐκεῖ κατιδεῖν, καὶ εἰ ἡ φύσις ἱκανὴ εἴη ἀνασχέσθαι θεωροῦσα, γνῶναι ἂν ὅτι ἐκεῖνός ἐστιν ὁ ἀληθῶς οὐρανὸς καὶ τὸ ἀληθινὸν φῶς. A translation can be found by referencing the [http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=Plat.+Phaedo+109&amp;fromdoc=Perseus%3Atext%3A1999.01.0170 Perseus project].

This seems to be fairly uniformly attributed to Socrates, and is usually quoted by aviation enthusiasts or space exploration advocates. I had my doubts about its authenticity because I wasn't sure Socrates would have had a concept of 'the top the atmosphere' as such, but I have seen variants where 'the clouds' replaces 'the atmosphere'. The earliest example I can find of it is from a 1982 book &quot;Shuttle&quot; by David C. Onley. Can anyone shed any light on this quote? [[User:HisRuntyDogma|HisRuntyDogma]] ([[User talk:HisRuntyDogma|talk]]) 02:23, 8 July 2012 (UTC)

:A little earlier. It appears in an issue of 'Designer' magazine (UK) 1977. [[User:HisRuntyDogma|HisRuntyDogma]] ([[User talk:HisRuntyDogma|talk]]) 09:16, 8 July 2012 (UTC)
::There's something vaguely similar to this in Aristophanes' ''The Clouds''. No obvious ancient source though, and unlikely to be correct in the form above due to anachronistic ideas. --[[User:Tryst|&lt;span style=&quot;color:Violet; font-family:Tahoma&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;User:&lt;/span&gt;'''Tryst'''&lt;/span&gt;]] [[User talk:Tryst|(talk to me!)]] 09:30, 8 July 2012 (UTC)

An exact translation from greek is: &quot;... because of our weakness and slowness we are unable to cross and reach the edge of air (atmosphere). Because if someone reaches its edge or gain wings and fly, he will raise up his head and see, in a way that the fish down here pull up their heads above the sea and see the world around them, shall see the things up there. And if his hold is firm and continues to watch he may perceive that that is the real sky, the real light and the real earth. Our earth down here and the stones and all the places are in decay and is eroded, as those that are inside the sea from the salt...&quot;

== Envy quotation ==

* Τοῖς μὲν διὰ τοῦ ἡλίου πορενομένοις ἕπεται κατ' ἀνάγκην σκιὰ, τοῖς δὲ διὰ δόξης βαδίζουσιν ἀκολουθεῖ φθόνος
** As those who walk in the sun are of necessity followed by their shadow, so also those who tread the paths of fame are pursued by envy.
*** Potentially from Strobaeus ''Florilegium'' XXXVIII. 34 [https://archive.org/details/dictionaryquota04harbgoog]

[[User:IOHANNVSVERVS|IOHANNVSVERVS]] ([[User talk:IOHANNVSVERVS|talk]]) 16:28, 27 March 2017 (UTC)

== Plutarch ??? ==

Under Quotes about Socrates we have the following remark attributed to Plutarch, which contains references to medieval Popes which Plutarch cannot possibly have made. If the reference is to some book ABOUT Plutarch, this should be made clear. Please clean up the attribution.

The accusations of atheism, the introducing of foreign deities, and corrupting of the Athenian youth, which were made against Socrates, afforded ample justification for Plato to conceal the arcane preaching of his doctrines. Doubtless the peculiar diction or 'jargon' of the alchemists was employed for a like purpose. The dungeon, the rack, and the fagot were employed without scruple by Christians of every shade, the Roman Catholics especially, against all who taught even natural science contrary to the theories entertained by the Church. Pope Gregory the Great even inhibited the grammatical use of Latin as heathenish. The offense of Socrates consisted in unfolding to his disciples the arcane doctrine concerning the gods, which was taught in the Mysteries and was a capital crime. He also was charged by Aristophanes with introducing the new god Dinos into the republic as the demiurgos or artificer, and the lord of the solar universe. The Heliocentric system was also a doctrine of the Mysteries; and hence, when Aristarchus the Pythagorean taught it openly, Cleanthes declared that the Greeks ought to have called him to account and condemned him for blasphemy against the gods,&quot; — (&quot;Plutarch&quot;). But Socrates had never been initiated, and hence divulged nothing which had ever been imparted to him.
Plutarch quoted by H.P. Blavatsky, in Isis Unveiled: A Master-Key to the Mysteries of Ancient and Modern Science and Theology, Vol. I, Before the Veil, (1877)

== my uncle passung ==

how did my uncle pass away ? [[Special:Contributions/2601:C8:280:3BF0:98E6:793A:5EC2:3F64|2601:C8:280:3BF0:98E6:793A:5EC2:3F64]] 01:19, 27 July 2022 (UTC)</text>
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----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[NewsRadio (season 1)|1]] [[NewsRadio (season 2)|2]] [[NewsRadio (season 3)|3]] [[NewsRadio (season 4)|4]] [[NewsRadio (season 5)|5]] | [[NewsRadio|'''Main''']]
----
'''''[[w:NewsRadio|NewsRadio]]''''' is an American sitcom, originally broadcast from 1995 to 1999 by [[w:NBC|NBC]].

==Seasons==
::[[NewsRadio (season 1)|Season 1]]
::[[NewsRadio (season 2)|Season 2]]
::[[NewsRadio (season 3)|Season 3]]
::[[NewsRadio (season 4)|Season 4]]
::[[NewsRadio (season 5)|Season 5]]

== Cast ==
* Dave Nelson - [[w:Dave Foley|Dave Foley]]
* Jimmy James - [[w:Stephen Root|Stephen Root]]
* Matthew Brock - [[w:Andy Dick|Andy Dick]]
* Lisa Miller - [[w:Maura Tierney|Maura Tierney]]
* Beth - [[w:Vicki Lewis|Vicki Lewis]]
* Joe Garelli - [[Joe Rogan]]
* Catherine Duke - [[w:Khandi Alexander|Khandi Alexander]]
* Bill McNeal - [[Phil Hartman]]
* Max Lewis - [[w:Jon Lovitz|Jon Lovitz]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0112095|title=NewsRadio}}

[[Category:1990s American sitcoms]]
[[Category:1990s American workplace comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:NBC shows]]
[[Category:NewsRadio]]</text>
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:'''Seasons:''' [[American Dad! (season 1)|1]] [[American Dad! (season 2)|2]] [[American Dad! (season 3)|3]] [[American Dad! (season 4)|4]] [[American Dad! (season 5)|5]] [[American Dad! (season 6)|6]] [[American Dad! (season 7)|7]] [[American Dad! (season 8)|8]] [[American Dad! (season 9)|9]] [[American Dad! (season 10)|10]] [[American Dad! (season 11)|11]] [[American Dad! (season 12)|12]] [[American Dad! (season 13)|13]] [[American Dad! (season 14)|14]] [[American Dad! (season 15)|15]]  [[American Dad! (season 16)|16]] | [[American Dad!|Main]]
----
'''''[[w:American Dad!|American Dad!]]''''' is an American adult animated sitcom created by created by [[Seth MacFarlane]], [[w:Mike Barker (producer)|Mike Barker]] and [[w:Matt Weitzman|Matt Weitzman]].

==Seasons==
{{col-begin}}
{{col-2}}
:Fox (2005–14)
::[[American Dad! (season 1)|Season 1]]
::[[American Dad! (season 2)|Season 2]]
::[[American Dad! (season 3)|Season 3]]
::[[American Dad! (season 4)|Season 4]]
::[[American Dad! (season 5)|Season 5]]
::[[American Dad! (season 6)|Season 6]]
::[[American Dad! (season 7)|Season 7]]
::[[American Dad! (season 8)|Season 8]]
::[[American Dad! (season 9)|Season 9]]
::[[American Dad! (season 10)|Season 10]]
::[[American Dad! (season 11)|Season 11]]
{{col-2}}
:TBS (2014–present)
::[[American Dad! (season 12)|Season 12]]
::[[American Dad! (season 13)|Season 13]]
::[[American Dad! (season 14)|Season 14]]
::[[American Dad! (season 15)|Season 15]]
::[[American Dad! (season 16)|Season 16]]
{{col-end}}

==Cast==
* [[Seth MacFarlane]] - Stan Smith, Roger Smith
* [[w:Wendy Schaal|Wendy Schaal]] - Francine Smith
* [[w:Scott Grimes|Scott Grimes]] - Steve Smith
* [[w:Rachael MacFarlane|Rachael MacFarlane]] - Hayley Smith
* [[w:Dee Bradley Baker|Dee Bradley Baker]] - Klaus
* [[w:Patrick Stewart|Patrick Stewart]] - CIA Deputy Director Avery Bullock
* [[w:Jeff Fischer (actor)|Jeff Fischer]] - Jeff Fischer

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.tbs.com/shows/american-dad Official site]
*{{imdb title|id=0397306|title=American Dad!}}

{{Seth MacFarlane}}

[[Category:American Dad!]]
[[Category:2000s American adult animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American adult animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American adult animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American sitcoms]]
[[Category:2010s American sitcoms]]
[[Category:2020s American sitcoms]]
[[Category:2000s American surreal comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American surreal comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American surreal comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American animated sitcoms]]
[[Category:Traditionally adult animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Crossover animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American adult animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Current shows]]
[[Category:TV shows revived after cancellation]]
[[Category:FOX shows]]
[[Category:TBS shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about dysfunctional families]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about extraterrestrial life]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about fish]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about teenagers]]
[[Category:Television shows featuring audio description]]
[[Category:Television series by Fox Television Animation]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Spin City|Spin City]]''''' (1996–2002) was a [[w:United States|United States]] [[w:Situation comedy|sitcom]], that starred [[w:Michael J. Fox|Michael J. Fox]], [[w:Barry Bostwick|Barry Bostwick]], [[w:Richard Kind|Richard Kind]], [[w:Alan Ruck|Alan Ruck]] and [[w:Michael Boatman|Michael Boatman]].
{{tv-stub}}
__TOC__


== Season One ==
=== ''Pilot'' [1.1] === 
:'''Mike''': Who here is gay?
(Mike turns to Karen, who is smiling and giggling.)
:'''Mike''': Not that kind of gay.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Nikki''': (on phone): I didn't mean to scare you, it was just a simple run of the mill orgasm... (Mike walks up) ...Can you hold on a second, Mom?
:'''Mike''': Oh, I'll let you get back to your mom, before she loses her erection
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Reporter''': Mr. Mayor, would you consider marching in the gay pride parade this week?
:'''Mayor''': What are you, drunk?

=== ''The Great Pretender'' [1.2]===

=== ''The Apartment'' [1.3]===
=== ''Pride and Prejudice'' [1.4]===
=== ''The Rivals'' [1.5]===
:'''Mike''': (about Mayor Garfield's passing) We need to get working on your statement.
:'''Mayor''': I killed him. I killed him dead.
:'''Mike''': That's a good starting point. How about softening it up a little? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Mayor''': It's not jealousy; I just wish I had what he had.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Nikki''': They had a candle light vigil at the fountain last night. Hundreds showed up.
:'''Carter''': Of course only five people could fit around it at one time. They had to vigil in shifts.

=== ''A Star Is Born'' [1.6]===
=== ''Grand Illusion'' [1.7]===
Mayor Winston: Even if I were prejudiced against gays, I'd want 'em to get married. Give them a taste of the nightmare the rest of us live through every day.

=== ''The High and the Mighty'' [1.8]===
=== ''Meet Tommy Dugan'' [1.9]===
=== ''The Competition'' [1.10]===
:'''Carter''': Believe it or not, I came out at Thanksgiving.
:'''Nikki''': How'd you pull that off?
:'''Carter''': Very subtle. &quot;Dad, great job carving the turkey. I'm a homosexual.&quot;
:'''Nikki''': Well, every year, I go to my sister's house, hug her three beautiful children, then my family gathers round, ties me to a chair, and pummels me with questions about why I'm not married yet.
:'''Stuart''': Me, my mom, my dad, three Hungry Man dinners, and a big box of wine. The first &quot;I hate you&quot; comes out around 9:30.

=== ''Dog Day Afternoon'' [1.11]===

:'''Stuart:''' You see grasshopper, one must understand the rhythms of the game-. WAAAAHH!! -In order to truly master ebb and flow, ying and yang. Are you prepared to do battle?
:'''Janelle:''' No, I want you to talk some more.

=== ''Criss Cross'' [1.12]===
=== ''Bye Bye Love'' [1.13]===
=== ''Starting Over'' [1.14]===
:'''Mike''': I'm not a club kinda guy. If I wanna shout, I'll go visit my grandmother.
{-}
:'''Carter''': It's not like I'm sleeping with every man in town. You are straight. Do you sleep with every woman you meet?
:'''Stuart:''' YES!

=== ''Gabby's Song'' [1.15]===
=== ''Kiss Me, Stupid'' [1.16]===
=== ''An Affair to Remember'' [1.17]===
=== ''Snowbound'' [1.18]===
=== ''Striptease'' [1.19]===
=== ''Deaf Becomes Her'' [1.20]===
:'''Stuart''': Who's looking out for the white middle-class, heterosexual male?
:'''Carter''': Congress.

=== ''Hot in the City'' [1.21]===
:'''Paul''': C'mon trade with me, my nuns for your lesbians.
:'''Carter''': They're not baseball cards, Paul.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Paul''': What do lesbians know about me? This could be a fabulous opportunity!
:'''Stuart''': To remind them why they're lesbians? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Mike''': Are you telling me that your pregnant?
:'''Carrie''': No, but I will be thanks to you.
:'''Mike''': Wait a second, am I missing a step here, cause if you're talking about last night, I took precautions, we took precautions!
:'''Carrie''': Let't just say I'm the kinda girl who never throws anything away...I put it in the freezer.
:'''Mike''': You froze my guys?!
:'''Carrie''': I'm just here to get your blessing.
:'''Mike''': What am I, the pope?!
:'''Carrie''': Don't yell at me!
:'''Mike''': Those are my guys, I want them back!
:'''Carrie''': Look, if you're gonna be all weird about this, I'm just gonna leave!
:'''Mike''': You can't do this! (opens office door) GIMME BACK MY SPERM! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Paul''': As a show of good faith, you have to release 1, maybe 2 million of the hostages.

=== ''Bone Free'' [1.22]===
:'''Nikki''': Why couldn't the Mayor just stand up?
:''(Male coworkers chuckling)''
:'''Nikki''': What? What am I missing?
:'''Mike''': How am I gonna explain this. Okay, Nikki. Even though the Mayor wasn't actually standing...he was at full attention.
:'''Nikki''': Nooo.
:'''Mike''': Yes, now how are we gonna explain this little snub to the Woman's Action Caucus?
:'''Stuart''': Snub? The man paid the woman the ultimate compliment!
:'''Mike''': Yeah, if they were orangutans.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Nikki''': Can't you guys control those things?
:'''Stuart''': Not always.
:'''Mike''': You can scold it, or smack it around a little bit. That only seems to encourage it.
:'''Nikki''': I am fascinated.
:'''James''': Sometimes all it takes is a thought, memory...sometimes all it takes is a slight breeze.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Mike''': Basically, by 6 o'clock, anyone in the city with breasts is going to hate us.
:'''Stuart''': Welcome to my world. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stuart''': Why do women always go for losers like him?
:'''Carter''': What, instead of losers like you?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''James''': We've got to rescue her from that monster!
:'''Mike''': He's her boyfriend, he's not Jason.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Nikki''': George is not some kind of deadbeat. I'll have you know that he's a writer! ''[Mike, Carter, and Stuart all groan]'' He's writing a screenplay! ''[They groan louder]'' What's wrong with that?!
:'''Mike''': He's a writer! That's like an actor who's too lazy to work at a restaurant!
:'''Stuart''': He's using you for a free ride, Nikki. Trust me, I know guys like him...I ''am'' guys like him.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Paul''': If you'd given me any more time I could've recovered.
:'''Mike''': Paul, if I'd have given you any more time up there, you would have declared the Mayor dead.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Mayor''': It was back in the '60s, and I was at this party and some idiot spiked the Kool-Aid. Before I knew it, I was 3/4 up a pine tree, naked as a jay bird, trying to get away from all the giant bugs, there.
:'''Mike''': Well, there you have it. Okay, so I tell the press that you were in a mental hospital...because you were taking acid.
:'''Mayor''': Coincidentally, that was the same night I decided to run for Mayor.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Mike''': Playing doctor should be left to qualified professionals. And of course, curious youngsters.

=== ''The Mayor Who Came to Dinner'' [1.23] ===
=== ''Mayor Over Miami'' [1.24]===

== Season Two ==
=== ''Paul Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest'' [2.1] ===
=== ''Porn in the U.S.A.'' [2.2] ===
:'''Mike''': (to the porn actresses) I'm Deputy Mayor Michael Flaherty, and I'm going to pretend I don't know who any of you are.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Mike''': (to Stuart) Ok, Stuart. Inside that is some of the biggest names in the porn business. Your heroes. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Carter''': Can't you tell if a man is handsome?
:'''Stuart''': Huh, nice try.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Nikki''': I can't get from ESPN to the Comedy Channel without some big penis waving in my face.
:'''James''': Where are you watching television?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Mayor''': (reading cue cards) Good afternoon, all. I want to start out with a personal outrage that has been going on too long. Public access... (switches cards) ...pornography.
:'''Mike''': (to James) You want to work on where you break those cards.
:'''Mayor''': (reading cue cards) I just want to make sure that material with graphic sexual content is available and seen... (switches cards) ...only by those people who specifically want to see it.
:'''Mike''': (to James) Ok, you did that one on purpose.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Mike''': (on the porn industry) Is lack of exposure really a problem for them?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Mike''': I have a penis.
:'''Nikki''': Don't make me get my purse.

=== ''Wonder Woman'' [2.3]===
=== ''The Goodbye Girl'' [2.4]===

Carter Haywood: Well, I do have another idea, but its a little far fetched.

Mike Flahrety: I don't care, I'm desperate

Carter Hayward: All right, you're gonna have to get your hands on a time machine


Mike Flahrety:  Is it so hard for you woman to pick up the phone?

=== ''In the Heat of the Day'' [2.5]===
=== ''Radio Daze'' [2.6]===
:'''Drew West''': So, Randy, what was the deal with your book signing?  I heard the only person that show up was your ex-wife and she just wanted directions to my book signing.  See, she already knows the way to my house.
:'''Mayor Winston''':  Yes, well, Helen always did love doing charity work.
:'''Drew West''': Oh, I think I just got slammed by the Mayor
:'''Mayor Winston''':  Helen used to love that too

:'''Janelle Cooper''': Ok, you first
:'''Nikki Faber''': Four seasons, silk sheets, champagne, he's wearing his uniform
:'''Janelle Cooper''': Secluded beach, full moon, he's wearing his uniform
:'''Stacy Paterno''': Right here, right now, '''I'M''' wearing his uniform

=== ''The Thirty Year Itch'' [2.7]===
=== ''My Life is a Soap Opera'' [2.8]===
=== ''Family Affair (1)'' [2.9]===
:'''Paul''': When I bite into a York peppermint patty...I get shot.

=== ''Family Affair (2)'' [2.10]===
=== ''They Shoot Horses, Don't They?'' [2.11]===
:'''Stacey''': I can tell when people are lying. It's a gift.
:'''James''': You know, I have a friend who can do the same thing.
:'''Stacey''': No you don't.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stuart''': Why wouldn't you ask me to look after The Mayor's daughter?
:'''Mike''': Same reason they don't give guns to monkeys

=== ''Miracle Near 34th Street'' [2.12]===
:'''Mike''': As my assistant, occasionally you may need to assist me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stacey''': Every time I throw a Christmas party, someone dies.
:'''Janelle''': I guess every family has their traditions. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Paul''': So to sum up ladies and gentlemen...I don't know
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''James''': Every year, my mom makes a whole Nativity scene out of candy. (picks up a piece) Chocolate Jesus.
:'''Carter''': James, please. At work, just call me Carter.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Nikki''': Do you not have an ounce of Christmas Spirit in you?
:'''Stuart''': Well, Joseph was about 3 ounces. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Mayor''': I'm going to stand here and read this story to the city, because I want all the children out there to believe in the magic of (reading speech) Satan.
:'''Mike''': That's Santa. It's a typo.
:'''James''': You wait until there's something important to you and i eat it.

=== ''Same Time Next Year'' [2.13]===
=== ''The Paul Lassiter Story'' [2.14]===
=== ''Gentleman's Agreement'' [2.15]===
:'''Mike''': The Mayor is a man of great vision
:'''Mayor''': (Walks out of sauna with steamed up glasses) I can't see
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Mike''': ''[Tossing a bunch of towels into the sauna]'' Here are your towels!
:'''Stuart''': ''[From inside the sauna]'' We don't need them!
:'''Stacy''': STUART!

=== ''Deaf Man Walking'' [2.16]===
:'''Mayor''': (to Mike whose pen has leaked in his mouth when he was chewing on it) Your mouth is blue. Did you have a snow cone?

=== ''The Marrying Men (1)'' [2.17]===
=== ''One Wedding and a Funeral (2)'' [2.18]===
=== ''A River Runs Through Me'' [2.19]===
=== ''The Pope of Gracie Mansion'' [2.20]===
=== ''Bye, Bye, Birdie'' [2.21]===
:'''Carter''': (about a giant statue giving the finger) Mike, its huge! Where can we put it?
:'''Mayor''': How about my ex-wife's lawn?

=== ''The Lady or the Tiger'' [2.22]===
=== ''Single White Male'' [2.23]===
=== ''The Paul-Bearer'' [2.24]===
:'''Mike''': (on delaying the funeral) A couple more hours wouldn't kill her ... again.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Mike''': I understand. People are very excited to start mourning.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Mike''': Or maybe she was just there to remind us that blowing your hair in the bathtub isn't a good idea.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Mike''': Well, it's not all bad news.
:'''Paul''': How could you say that?
:'''Mike''': Well, for starters, it's not all my fault anymore. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Nikki''': I am not gonna do that unless he wakes up.
:'''Stuart''': Ladies and gentlemen, Nikki's only rule of dating.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Claudia''': There was corpse at my wedding!
:'''Stuart''': Hey, I know Paul's not an exciting guy...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Father Larry''': Now Paul, your vows are to 'love Claudia, and to lose five pounds'?
:'''Paul''': Well, I wanted to combine my vows and New Year's resolutions.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Paul''': (on Mike taking over) Are you sure this is legal?
:'''Mike''': What, are you wearing a wire?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stuart''': (after putting a sandwich in the poor box) What? If they're poor, they're hungry.

== Season Three ==
=== ''Dead Dog Talking'' [3.1] ===
:'''Mike''': ahhh seals!

:'''Crazy Zoo Guy''': actually they're sealions. Seals have more pronouced ear flaps.

____________________________________________________

:'''Mike''': I woke up this morning with a hangover and a swore wrist.

:'''Stuart''': Yeah, I've been there.

____________________________________________________

:'''Mike''': Sir, we're going on a little earlier than we expected because the good samaritian of the year couldn't make it.

:'''Mayor''': Why's that Mike?

:'''Mike''': Well because he's in jail. Apparently he got all his good samartian juice from his cocain smuggling ring.

:'''Mayor''': Ha this city... Somebody should do something.

_________________________________________________________

=== ''There's Something About Heidi'' [3.2]===
:'''Mayor''': (After looking at a picture of Mike kissing Heidi Klum's butt) This used to be my ass Flaherty.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Mike''': (Looking into a toilet) DUDE!

________________________________________________

=== ''Gone with the Wind'' [3.3]===
:'''Mike''': (In a spacesuit, about to have sex with Heidi Klum) One small step for man, one giant... (stares at Heidi's breasts) Oh dear God, thank you. (jumps and floats in bed) The eagle has landed. (Heidi's bra, Mike's underwear, and a packet of condoms floats across the screen) Space is cool.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stuart''': (Looking at a picture of James's aunt Sarah) Wow, she was a cow.
:'''Nikki''': Stuart, very nice.
:'''Stuart''': I'm serious, she was an actual cow.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Mike and Carter are trying to shut off a fan in Paul's office]''
:'''Carter''': Go on without me!
:'''Mike''': I'm not leaving you behind!
:'''Carter''': You don't have a choice!
:'''Mike''': Whatever may occur, I will find you!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Mike''': How many cigars equal a dead cow anyway?
:'''Janelle''': Twelve.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''James''': Look at me Mike. I'm twenty-six, I'm single..., and I'm holding the ashes of a dead cow

=== ''The Deer Hunter'' [3.4]===
:'''Mike''': (slapping Paul on the but) Way to go Paulie.
:''[Paul walks away]''
:'''Mike''': It's a lot firmer than you think.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stuart:''': I take my coffee the way I take my women.

:'''Stacy:''': Are you sure you want to pay $75 for a cup of coffee?
 
:'''Janelle''': Look, do what I do. Picture Stuart as a new puppy. Is it helping.
:'''Stacey''': Nope, still trying to hump my leg
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Mike aims and purposefully misses the adult deer]''
:'''Nolan''': Wow. I didn't even see that one. We don't usually shot babies but that was a hell of a shot. (laughs)
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Carter:''' Mike, shouldn't we wear the oranges?
:'''Mike:''' Oh, forget the oranges. 
:''[Mike opens the door and a gunshot is heard]''
:'''Mike:''' Let's orange up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Mike and Carter have taken the wounded deer to a hospital]''
:'''Doctor:''' what are you doing, that is a deer
:'''Mike:''' Oh darn, that means I’ve got Ed strapped to the roof of my car
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Filling out patient admission forms at the hospital for the deer]''
:'''Carter:'''	Blood type?
:'''Mike:''' Deer? [off Carter’s look] Deer negative.
:'''Carter:''' ‘Relationship to patient’ oh that’s easy: ''Assassin''!
:'''Mike:''' Listen Carter, I may have shot him, but you ate his mother!

=== ''It Happened One Night'' [3.5]===
=== ''Three Men and a Little Lady'' [3.6]===
:'''Deidre''': ''[Meeting Carter and Rags for the first time]'' Right, you're the gay guy. ''[She opens her robe, flashing him]'' So this means nothing to you? ''[Carter stares in shock and covers Rags' eyes]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Mike''': Paul, ever since you got married, you have been nothing but excuses
:'''Paul''': Well that's not true!
:'''Mike''': Paul, you've been married five months, you've celebrated your anniversary seven times!
:'''Paul''': Mike, Claudia needs me.
:'''Mike''': I need you!
:'''Paul''': Claudia depends on me.
:'''Mike''': I depend on you!
:'''Paul''': Claudia gives me sweet lovin'.
:'''Mike''': ......I depend on you!

=== ''An Officer and a Gentleman'' [3.7]=== 
=== ''Quest for Fire'' [3.8]===
=== ''The Kidney's All Right'' [3.9]===
=== ''Gobble the Wonder Turkey Saves the Day'' [3.10]===
=== ''Local Hero'' [3.11]===
:''[James is in a Michael Jackson costume and Carter walks in with his costume covered in a coat cover]''
:'''Carter''': (sees James and tosses his costume to the floor) DAMN IT!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Stuart is wearing a Bill Clinton mask]''
:'''Stuart''': (in a Bill Clinton like voice) Deny, deny, deny.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Mike and Carter are looking for Councilman Pete]''
:'''Carter''': (in a bunny suit) Mike, hurry up!
:'''Mike''': I can't run in this suit!
:''[Mike runs into a phone booth and changes into a Superman costume]''

=== ''Monkey Business'' [3.12]===
:''[Mike is sitting on the Mayor's lap]''
:'''Mayor''': (in a Santa suit) Well, young man, what do you want for Christmas?
:'''Mike''': Uh, my dignity back.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Lloyd and Carter''': (together) You're disgusting.
:'''Alfred and Stuart'''&quot; (together) Bite me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Carter is having a dream about the future]''
:'''Old Stuart''': Long time no see. How old are you now?
:'''Mike''': (Looks exactly the same) Eighty-eight.
Later...
:'''Stuart''': You know who I can't believe is still alive?
:'''Carter''': Who? Ha.
:''[Camera shows Rags sitting on a chair]''

=== ''Taxi Driver'' [3.13]===
=== ''The Nutty Deputy Mayor'' [3.14]===
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Carter''': I don't get this rock-papers-scissor. Why does paper beat rock?
:'''Paul''': It just does!
:'''Carter''': Why don't you grab a piece of paper, I get a rock, we'll meet at the playground and then let's see what beats what!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Mike''': Was there a reason why you would do this to me?
:'''Stuart''': Did you not strut down a runway in a 300-pound fat-suit?
:'''Mike''': Yeah.
:'''Stuart''': Then I don't understand the question...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Mike''': On that note, I found this while I was accidentally...rifling through your desk. ''(Reading personal ad)'' &quot;Divorced male seeks special lady for romance.&quot; Sir, you can't submit a personal ad.
:'''Mayor Winston''': You think that's me?
:'''Mike''': ''[Reading personal ad]'' &quot;6'4, salt and pepper hair.....Mayor of New York.&quot;

=== ''Not in the Line of Fire'' [3.15]===
=== ''Internal Affairs'' [3.16]===
:''The Mayor and team are on a stakeout in a police van''
:'''Mayor''': What sort of action are we tracking?
:'''Carter''': Sir, this area is dominated by the world's oldest profession.
:'''Mayor''': ''[nods]'' Bankers.

=== ''Dick Clark's Rockin' Make-Out Party '99'' [3.17]===
:''Mike is listing sexual harassment items against Stuart''
:'''Mike''': Item 10: Inappropriate use of the word &quot;mount&quot;. Item 11: Pushing the elevator button without using his hands. (pause) What floor?
:'''Stuart''': 3rd
:'''Mike''': That's not bad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Mayor''': I complimented Judge Stenciler's mustache today.
:''Janelle gasps''
:'''Mayor''': I know... She was not happy. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:''Janelle is walking in on the Mayor, Paul, and Carter practicing the waltz''
:'''Janelle''': With the new security cameras, I'll bet some guard is getting a kick out of this.
:'''Guard''' ''(sitting in the security cam room)'': Shake it, fellas. Shake it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Mike''': So - has anybody felt harassed by Stuart?
:'''Paul''': Stuart has been publishing naked pictures of me to the internet!
:'''Mike''': That's not harassing you, Paul, that's harassing the internet. 

:'''Marie''': I don't know what it is about you, James, there's something about you. You just seem so, so old....so mature.
:'''James''': Maybe that's because you teach 4th grade.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:''Stuart and Diedre is having a fight, after their break-up''
:'''Stuart''': I slept with your sister!
:'''Dierdre''': I was there, you idiot!

=== ''Back to the Future IV: Judgment Day'' [3.18]===
:'''Mike''': This is like stepping back in time. 
:'''Owen''': The past is prologue, Michael. Men like us have to keep looking to the future. 
:'''Mike''': What the hell are you talking about?
:'''Owen''': I don't know.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Mike''': (reading Owen's list)Things to do: Banish Satan and the forces of Evil; build the New Jerusalem; buy milk...
:'''Owen''': Damn! I always forget the milk!

=== ''Politically Incorrect'' [3.19]===
=== ''That's Entertainment'' [3.20]===

James Hobert: &quot;My Great Uncle had a ticket on the titanic actually, at the last second he decided not to go on&quot;

Nikki Faber: &quot;Wow, lucky guy&quot;

James Hobert: &quot;No, no, on the way home he got hit by a milk truck.  If only he'd gotten on that damn boat&quot;

=== ''The Last Temptation of Mike'' [3.21]===
=== ''Carter &amp; Stuart &amp; Bennett &amp; Deirdre'' [3.22]===
=== ''The Mayor With Two Brains'' [3.23]===
=== ''Wall Street'' [3.24]===

(The guys playing poker)

'''Stuart''': Come on, its my bet.  Paul, I said its my bet
 
'''Paul''': (Looking at James' cards) Did I ever tell you guys about my friend Pete?  He's got two houses in Queens.

'''Stuart''': I'll see your $10, and raise you $20.

'''Carter''': I'm out

'''Mike''': I don't know if its me or the barely brew talking, but I'm out too

'''James''': I have nothing.  

(Mike rearranges James cards)

'''James''': Wait,  you can do that?? I'm in

'''Stuart''': Paul, I can't decide whether I should stay in or not

'''Paul''': Correction, he's got THREE houses in Queens, an ace of a guy....and a seven

=== ''Klumageddon (1)'' [3.25]===
=== ''Klumageddon (2)'' [3.26]===

== Season Four ==
=== ''Carter in the Bronx'' [4.1] ===
=== ''James and the Giant Speech'' [4.2]===

:'''Mike''': James! Good news buddy, you are back on speech duty. Now I don't want to put too much pressure on you, but you got to write me something amazing.
:'''James''': You got it, Mike. ''[tries to leave]''
:'''Mike''': No no no James you don't understand. This has to be brilliant, I mean, it has to be inspiring.
:'''James''': No sweat, I'll crank something out by lunchtime
:'''Mike''': Not with that attitude you won't! Look, where are the nerves. Where's the fear? Do you know what great athletes do before the big game?
:'''James''': Steroids?

=== ''All the Mayor's Men'' [4.3]===
=== ''These Shoes Were Made for Cheatin' '' [4.4]===
=== ''Rebel Without a Chair'' [4.5]===
=== ''The Mayor May Not'' [4.6]===
=== ''Scott Crane Show'' [4.7]===
=== ''How to Bury a Millionaire'' [4.8]===

:'''Paul''': Guess what I am doing tonight. A: Going to the gym. B: Being a contestant on &quot;Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?&quot;.
:'''Mike''': Well, we know it's not the gym.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Janelle''': ''[Watching TV. Nikki comes in and takes the remote]'' Hey, what are you doing?
:'''Nikki''': Watching Paul on &quot;Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?&quot; He's up to the $500,000 question.
:'''Janelle''': Well, I want to make sure the well doesn't collapse on the Mayor.
:'''Nikki''': Janelle, even if it does, you know they'll interrupt &quot;Millionaire&quot;.
:'''Janelle''': ...That's true. ''[Changes the channel]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Regis Philbin''': ''[After Paul is up to $500,000]'' Paul, you're on fire! What is your secret?
:'''Paul''': I'M GUESSING!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Janelle''': ''[Paul is trying to decide on answering the $1 million question]'' Come on, Paul, say something!
:'''Nikki''': Just take the money. I'll learn to love you.

=== ''The Thanksgiving Show'' [4.9]===
:'''Mike''': And remember, don't anybody tell Paul about this 'cause he's got a big mouth!
:'''Paul''': Who has a big mouth? Tell me! I wanna know! I wanna tell other people!

=== ''The Doorman Always Rings Twice'' [4.10]===
=== ''Mustang Mikey'' [4.11]===
=== ''My Dinner With Caitlin (a.k.a. Christmas 1999)'' [4.12]===
=== ''A Tale of Two Sisters'' [4.13]===
=== ''Casino'' [4.14]===
=== ''The Marry Caitlin Moore Show'' [4.15]===
=== ''Suffragette City'' [4.16]===
=== ''Mike's Best Friend's Boyfriend'' [4.17]===
=== ''The Pig Whisperer'' [4.18]===
=== ''Uneasy Rider'' [4.19]===
=== ''About Last Night'' [4.20]===
=== ''Don't Get on the Bus'' [4.21]===
=== ''Airplane!'' [4.22]===
=== ''An American Deputy Mayor in Paris'' [4.23]===
=== ''The Commitments'' [4.24]===
=== ''Goodbye (1)'' [4.25]===
:'''Dr. Peterson''': Mike, are you angry at me, or are you angry at your penis?
:'''Mike''': Is that the only class you took in training school?

=== ''Goodbye (2)'' [4.26]===
:'''Mike''': If you take the fall, then the whole staff goes down with you. This way, only one person gets hurt.
:'''Mayor Winston''': But why can't that person be Paul?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Mike''': Make sure this Tony guy doesn't think you're still dating him.
:'''Nikki''': Fine, I will die alone with 17 cats.

== Season Five ==
=== ''Hello Charlie'' [5.1]===

:'''Caitlin''': What's your excuse?
:'''Charlie''': I have an excuse, but it's really not the time right now.
:'''Caitlin''': Yes it is.
:'''Charlie''': Well, I flew with air Sweden yesterday.
:'''Caitlin''': Oh, don't tell me, you met some fancy stewardess and ended up going to her hotel.
:'''Charlie''': ...
:'''Caitlin''': Oh my god.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Charlie''': Stuart, says here you're with the war against [[w:Pornography|pornography]].
:'''Stuart''': You're reading that wrong, it's the war against the war against pornography.
:'''Charlie''': I thought that was a typo.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Caitlin''': Do you remember anything about this woman?
:'''Charlie''': Ehr...
:'''Caitlin''': You pig!
:'''Charlie''': Wait, something's coming.

=== ''Smile'' [5.2]===
=== ''The Spanish Prisoner'' [5.3]===  

:'''Carter''': Stuart, Rags was swept to the street last day and accidentally taken to the pound.
:'''Stuart''': He was found without a leash and than committed a G&amp;B.
:'''Carter''': ...
:'''Stuart''': Growl and Bite.
:'''Carter''': Come on, you're in charge of this, make a call and set him released.
:'''Stuart''': Can't do that Carter, if I release Rags we have to release that [[w:Poodle|Poodle]] we napped for a DNR.
:'''Carter''': ...
:'''Stuart''': Dump -N- Run.

=== ''The Bone Collectors'' [5.4]===   
=== ''Blind Faith'' [5.5]=== 
=== ''Balloons over Broadway'' [5.6]=== 
=== ''Lost and Found'' [5.7]===    
=== ''All the Wrong Moves'' [5.8]===

:'''Stuart''': Hey Paul, nice suit... wait a minute, today's the [[w:Bagel|Bagel]].
:'''Charlie''': What's the Bagel?
:'''Stuart''': Every year when Paul asks the mayor for a raise he gives him... the bagel.
:'''Carter''': ''[Walks in]'' Hey Paul, hey today's the bagel.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Stuart''': How are we going to find a gay guy in here.
:'''Caitlin''': Let me do it, I'll just give him the look, if he doesn't return it, he's gay.
:'''Caitlin''': ''[Gives look to guy, guy looks away]'' Excuse me, you're gay right?
:'''Guy''': No.
:'''Caitlin''': Excuse me, but you are.
:''[Guy walks away]''
:'''Caitlin''': 'Couple years of therapy, he'll find it out.

=== ''The Burgers of Wrath'' [5.9]=== 
=== ''Toy Story'' [5.10]===    
=== ''The Perfect Dorm'' [5.11]===  
=== ''Hey Judith'' [5.12]===     
=== ''The Gambler'' [5.13]===   
=== ''In the Company of Dudes'' [5.14]===   
=== ''The Image Maker'' [5.15]===  
=== ''Trainstopping'' [5.16]===   
=== ''Rain on My Charades'' [5.17]===   
=== ''You've Got Male'' [5.18]===   
=== ''Minor League'' [5.19]===  
=== ''Science Friction'' [5.20]===  
=== ''Brotherly Love'' [5.21]===  
=== ''A Shot in the Dark (1)'' [5.22]===  
=== ''A Shot in the Dark (2)'' [5.23]===

== Season Six ==
=== ''The Arrival (1)'' [6.1]===   
=== ''A Tree Falls in Manhattan (2)'' [6.2]===   
=== ''Wife with Mikey'' [6.3]===

:'''Mike''': You've got some nerve barging into your office telling me how to do your job!
:'''Charlie''': That didn't make any sense.
:'''Mike''': I figured if I yelled, you wouldn't notice.

=== ''The Apartment'' [6.4]=== 
=== ''Yet Another Stakeout'' [6.5]===    
=== ''Yeah Baby!'' [6.6]=== 
=== ''Sleeping with the Enemy'' [6.7]===    
=== ''She's Gotta Habit'' [6.8]===   
=== ''The Wedding Scammer'' [6.9]===   
=== ''Fight Flub'' [6.10]===    
=== ''Chinatown'' [6.11]===   


=== ''O Mother, Where Art Thou?'' [6.13]===   
=== ''Rags to Riches'' [6.14]=== 
=== ''Sex, Lies and Video Date'' [6.15]===    
=== ''Eyes Wide Open'' [6.16]===
=== ''Age Against the Machine'' [6.17]=== 
=== ''An Affair Not to Remember'' [6.18]=== 
=== ''Let's Give Them Something to Talk About'' [6.19]=== 
=== ''Look Who's Not Talking'' [6.20]===   
=== ''A Tale of Four Cities'' [6.21]===  
=== ''A Friend in Need'' [6.22]===

== Cast ==
* [[w:Michael J. Fox|Michael J. Fox]] - [[w:Mike Flaherty|Mike Flaherty]]
* [[w:Barry Bostwick|Barry Bostwick]] - [[w:Randall Winston|Mayor Randall Winston]]
* [[w:Richard Kind|Richard Kind]] - Paul Lassiter
* [[w:Alan Ruck|Alan Ruck]] - Stuart Bondeck
* [[w:Michael Boatman|Michael Boatman]] - Carter Heywood
* [[w:Connie Britton|Connie Britton]] - Nikki Faber
* [[w:Jennifer Esposito|Jennifer Esposito]] - Stacey Paterno
* [[w:Victoria Dillard|Victoria Dillard]] - Janelle Cooper
* [[w:Alexander Chaplin|Alexander Chaplin]] - James Hobert
* [[w:Heather Locklear|Heather Locklear]] - Caitlin Moore
* [[Charlie Sheen]] - Charlie Crawford
* [[w:Lana Parrilla|Lana Parrilla]] - Angie Ordonez
* [[w:Carla Gugino|Carla Gugino]] - Ashley Shaeffer

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{imdb title|id=0115369|title=Spin City}}

[[Category:1990s American sitcoms]]
[[Category:2000s American sitcoms]]
[[Category:1990s American workplace comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American workplace comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:ABC shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
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    <title>The Golden Girls</title>
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      <parentid>2908106</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T21:17:03Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
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----
:'''Season''' [[The Golden Girls (season 1)|1]] [[The Golden Girls (season 2)|2]] [[The Golden Girls (season 3)|3]] [[The Golden Girls (season 4)|4]] [[The Golden Girls (season 5)|5]] [[The Golden Girls (season 6)|6]] [[The Golden Girls (season 7)|7]] | [[The Golden Girls|'''Main''']]
----
'''''[[w:The Golden Girls|The Golden Girls]]''''' (1985–1992) was a popular [[w:NBC|NBC]] sitcom about four previously married over-50 women who live together in Miami, sharing their various experiences together and enjoying themselves despite hard times. On May 1992, NBC cancelled the series after 7 seasons. ''[[The Golden Palace]]'' aired on CBS after cancellation.

==Opening theme==
*Thank you for being a friend&lt;br&gt;Traveled down the road and back again&lt;br&gt;Your heart is true you're a pal and a confidant
*And if you threw a party&lt;br&gt;Invited everyone you knew&lt;br&gt;You would see the biggest gift would be from me&lt;br&gt;And the card attached would say&lt;br&gt;Thank you for being a friend

== Seasons ==
::[[The Golden Girls (season 1)|Season 1]]
::[[The Golden Girls (season 2)|Season 2]]
::[[The Golden Girls (season 3)|Season 3]]
::[[The Golden Girls (season 4)|Season 4]]
::[[The Golden Girls (season 5)|Season 5]]
::[[The Golden Girls (season 6)|Season 6]]
::[[The Golden Girls (season 7)|Season 7]]

== Cast ==
* [[w:Beatrice Arthur|Beatrice Arthur]] - Dorothy Zbornak
* [[w:Betty White|Betty White]] - Rose Nylund
* [[w:Rue McClanahan|Rue McClanahan]] - Blanche Devereaux
* [[w:Estelle Getty|Estelle Getty]] - Sophia Petrillo

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|0088526|The Golden Girls}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Golden Girls, The}}
[[Category:1980s American sitcoms]]
[[Category:1990s American sitcoms]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:NBC shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:The Golden Girls]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>7th Heaven</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>10602</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147788</id>
      <parentid>2988027</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T21:18:09Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
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      <text bytes="1470" xml:space="preserve">{{DISPLAYTITLE:''7th Heaven''}}
{{7th Heaven}}

'''''[[w:7th Heaven|7th Heaven]]''''' (1996-2007) is an American television drama series created and produced by [[w:Brenda Hampton|Brenda Hampton]] that centers on a minister's family and their lives in the fictional town of Glenoak, California.

== Seasons ==
* [[7th Heaven (season 1)|Season 1]]
* [[7th Heaven (season 2)|Season 2]]
* [[7th Heaven (season 3)|Season 3]]
* [[7th Heaven (season 4)|Season 4]]
* [[7th Heaven (season 5)|Season 5]]
* [[7th Heaven (season 6)|Season 6]]
* [[7th Heaven (season 7)|Season 7]]
* [[7th Heaven (season 8)|Season 8]]
* [[7th Heaven (season 9)|Season 9]]
* [[7th Heaven (season 10)|Season 10]]
* [[7th Heaven (season 11)|Season 11]]

== Cast ==
=== The Camden Family ===
* Eric
* Annie (wife)
* Matt (son)
* Mary (daughter)
* Lucy (daughter)
* Kevin Kinkirk (son-in-law)
* Savannah (granddaughter)
* Simon (son)
* Ruthie (daughter)
* Sam &amp; David (twin sons)

=== The Smith Family ===
* George
* Gwen (wife)
* Cecilia (daughter)
* Meredith (adoptive daughter)
* Kelly (adoptive daughter)
* Danny (adoptive son)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0115083|title=7th Heaven}}

[[Category:7th Heaven]]
[[Category:1990s American teen drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American teen drama TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:CW shows]]
[[Category:CBS shows]]
[[Category:TV shows about families]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:WB shows]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>10620</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147789</id>
      <parentid>2878331</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T21:18:19Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
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      <text bytes="665" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman|Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman]]''''' was an American multi Emmy Award winning dramatic television series that ran on CBS for six seasons (1993-1998).

{{tv-stub}}

:'''Dr. Michaela 'Mike' Quinn''': I believe I spelled that out quite clearly &amp;mdash; that's Michael with an 'A'. My father was expecting a male.
:'''Rev. Timothy Johnson''': So was I.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|0103405|Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman}}

[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:CBS shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Western TV shows]]
[[Category:1990s American drama TV shows]]
[[Category:Medical drama TV shows]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Kim Possible</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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    <revision>
      <id>3147790</id>
      <parentid>3135435</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T21:18:29Z</timestamp>
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        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
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      <text bytes="151724" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Kim Possible|Kim Possible]]''''' is a [[w:Disney|Disney]] [[w:animated series|animated series]] about a teenage crime fighter of the same name.

==Season 1==
21 Episodes by June 7, 2002 - May 16, 2003

==='''[[w:Crush (Kim Possible)|Episode 1.Crush]]'''===

:'''Kim''': A [[w:naked mole rat|naked mole rat]]? Ron, ever think about getting a normal pet?
:'''Ron''': Like what?
:'''Kim''': Something... not naked. 
:'''Ron''': Never be normal! That's the Ron Stoppable motto.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': Tokyo! I love the French! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kim''': Doctor Drakken...
:'''Ron''': Our arch enemy!...Well, your arch enemy. I... err... ...You know, I don't think he even knows my name.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ron fires a grappling hook, which tears his pants off.]''
:'''Ron''': AH!
:'''Kim''': Ron, stop playing around!
:'''Ron''': Okay, I'm going...
:''[fires a second grappling hook, which tears his shirt off.]''
:'''Ron''': Oh, c-, are you kidding me?!
:'''Kim''': Very funnyǃ
:'''Ron''': The third time's the charmǃ

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drakken''': So, Kim Possible, you think to thwart my plan...!
:'''Shego''': ''(Cuts him off)'' Don't stop to tell her the plan! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Possible''': Kimmie, let's not talk about &quot;hotties&quot; at breakfast anymore.
:''[Mrs. Possible comes in]''
:'''Mrs. Possible''': Who's a hottie?
:'''Mr. Possible''': We're not talking about it! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': So...Heinrich! Got any teenage daughters who might want to go to a big American dance party?
:'''Heinrich''': ''Nein!''
:'''Ron''': ''Nine?'' One's plenty!...Well, maybe two.
:'''Heinrich''': ''NEIN'' MEANS NO!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': Hey, I helped with that avalanche too, you know.
: '''Kim''': You STARTED it. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': You want to steal Christmas!
:'''Drakken''': Not even close.
:'''Kim''': So this ''is'' a take-over-the-world thing, ''Ron''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': That would be ''so cool'' if it wasn't going to hurt us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drakken''': Why did she have to be a ''cheerleader''?! If she was on the debate team, I would have '''vaporized''' her by now! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': Kim, Drakken's in jail. Christmas was saved! What's the big?
:'''Kim''': Okay, first of all, he was ''not'' trying to steal Christmas!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kim''': Thanks for the lift, Heinrich.
:'''Heinrich''': Aw, Kim, you silly! After you save our village from that avalanche!
:'''Kim''': No big.

==='''[[w:Sink or Swim (Kim Possible)|Episode 2.Sink or Swim]]'''===
:'''Mr. Barkin''': Stoppable, you know the lay of the land?
:'''Ron''': Every rock, every tree, every bloodthirsty tick... it haunts me.
:'''Mr. Barkin''': Good. Where's the phone?
:''[Flashback:]''
:'''8-Year-Old Ron''': Mom, hey, it's me again. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I just called three minutes ago. But I just wanted to ask you one more time... ''CAN YOU PLEASE GET ME OUT OF HERE?!''
:''[Flash-forward]''
:'''Ron''': I seem to recall a payphone.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': This place holds a lot of memories for me. Some bad, some...No. No, no, all bad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': We'll see who's the squeeb at the end of the summer when you're all wrinkled up like a prune, and I gotta a suitcase full of hand-made wallets, pot holders and lanyards.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gill''': Oh, I am no longer Gil, now I am ''Gill!''
:'''Ron''': ...What's the difference?
:'''Gill''': I added an &quot;L&quot;. You know, as in gill, as in, these ''things'' that grew when I mutated?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gill''': So, Ron, did you ever hear ''why'' they shut down the camp?
:'''Ron''': Uhhh... no.
:'''Gill''': It turns out - oh, you're gonna love this - the lake had been polluted with runoff from the Science Camp! 
:''[Cuts to Science Camp]''
:'''Ron''': I thought that was Band Camp.
:'''Gill''': No, ''that's'' Band Camp. 
:''[Cuts to Band Camp]''
:'''Ron''': Really? I thought that was Clown Camp.
:'''Gill''': No, ''that's'' Clown Camp! 
:''[Cuts to Clown Camp]''
:'''Ron''': Oh, yeah. I loved those clowns.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kim''': Gill, we can get you help. We know a lot of scientists who--
:'''Gill''': Science?! Science made me this way!
:'''Ron''': Are you sure it wasn't the clowns? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': Part of me is terrified... And yet part of me is ''flattered''. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Barkin''': This is sick and wrong! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': Hey, Gill, maybe this is a good time to sing the Camp Wannaweep Friendship Song?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Barkin''': CHEESE and CRACKERS, I'M MUTATIN'! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gill''': He's out on the lake? My lake? How dumb can he be?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bonnie''': You know, just because you saved us doesn't mean you're not still, you know, ''you''. But it would really stink if that jerk had turned us into mutants. And you were kinda brave, and all.
:'''Ron''': ''[high-fives Rufus]'' Who rocks?
:'''Bonnie''': ''[sighs]'' You do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': Oh, Bonnie, you remind me of the cruel kids at camp - sticks and stones.
:'''Tara''': (Gasp) They called you names?
:'''Ron''': Yes, while they were pelting me with sticks and stones!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': So, does that mean that I can call the shots on the next mission?
:'''Kim''': We'll see.
:'''Ron''': Oh, I know what that means!
:'''Kim''': It means: &quot;we'll see.&quot;
:'''Ron''': No, it's code for: &quot;not a chance.&quot;
:'''Kim''': Actually, it's code for: &quot;ferociously unlikely.&quot;

==='''[[w:The New Ron (Kim Possible)|Episode 3.The New Ron]]'''===
:'''Kim''': I know what's best for Ron. Even if he doesn't.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kim''': Your house sucks up so much power, it's causing blackouts all over Europe.
:'''Senor Senior, Sr.''': And these people without power, they are... inconvenienced? 
:'''Kim''': Very.
:'''Senor Senior, Sr.''': You see, Junior, how awful it is to be poor? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': You've got doors that go – that go &quot;whoosh&quot;!
:'''Senor Senior, Jr.''': I always wondered about the &quot;whoosh&quot;...
:'''Senor Senior, Sr.''': I like the &quot;whoosh.&quot; It's the door saying, &quot;I am closed.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kim''': Oh, good. Missiles. I am ''so'' glad you told him to get missiles!
:'''Ron''': Oh, so I made a few suggestions - does that make it ''my'' fault?
:'''Kim''': ''One hundred percent.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': Oh, man, I have a zit on my nose!
:'''Kim''': Will you get over yourself?
:'''Ron''': You do too! Right there!
:'''Kim''': Self-activating lasers! ''[She pulls Ron away, and they dive beneath the table. Kim looks accusingly at Ron]'' He threw in some traps.
:'''Ron''': Hey, on the positive side, this guy is clearly a ''terrific'' listener.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kim''': ''[to Ron]'' Never, ''ever'' tell anyone to go out and buy spinning tops of doom.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Senor Senior, Sr.''': The piranha won't be here till Monday, but I assure you, the koi have not been fed in ''days''.

==='''[[w:Tick Tick Tick (Kim Possible)|Episode 4.Tick Tick Tick]]'''===
:'''Mr. Barkin''': Going somewhere, Miss Possible?
:'''Kim''': Mr. Barkin, I-I-I'm, er...
:'''Mr. Barkin''': A Tardy. Third time this month, yes?
:'''Kim''': Maybe. I'm not sure.
:'''Mr. Barkin''': I am. Looks like I'll be seeing you after school.
:'''Kim''': At cheerleading practice?
:'''Mr. Barkin''': (loudly) AT DETENTION, POSSIBLE!!!
:'''Kim''': (shocked) Detention?! ''[intro plays]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drakken''': Who wants to build a robot tick? I do, I do!
:'''Shego''': Er...Doctor Drakken? You do know you said that out loud, don't you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kim''': ''What?''
:'''Detention Guy''': Never been this close to a cheerleader. Your skin is so smooth and zit-free...like a baby's bottom...
:'''Kim''': ''Ew!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kim''': Ron, U-Turn
:'''Ron''': What? Oh gotta save your boys.
''[Cut to Draken and Shego]''
:'''Shego''': Ooh! We got her boys!
''[Cut back to Kim and Ron]''
:'''Kim''': ''They're not my boys!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shego''': You! Yeah, you don't touch anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Drakken''': Enough chit-chat! My pets are famished! Perhaps you two could stay...
:'''Kim''': ''(Cuts him off)'' For lunch?
:'''Drakken''': ''(Quickly)'' I wasn't going to say that.
:'''Ron''': Oh, dude, you were ''so'' 'for lunch.'
:'''Drakken''': Aargh! Yes! Then - stay-for-lunch!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Shego''': Nano? ''[laughs]'' What's 'Nano'?
:'''Drakken''': ''[facepalm]'' Nano. Tiny. ''Mini''.
:'''Shego''': Why don't you just say &quot;mini&quot; then?
:'''Drakken''': 'Cause ''nano'' sounds about a hundred times better!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ron''': Remote-control lasers! I can handle this... ''[glares at lasers, then slumps]'' I got nothing. Kim?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Barkin''': ''Nobody'' escapes MY detention! Possible, you're going ''down!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Drakken''': A beep!...Is that a good beep?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Drakken''': If you could just tell me what to do, I could do it.
:'''Shego''': What did we agree on?
:'''Drakken''': ...I don't touch anything.
:'''Shego''': Yeah!
:'''Drakken''': ''[watching Shego use the beam to tear the roof off]'' I could've done that.
:'''Shego''': But can you do this? [Shego somersaults into Bueno Nacho]
:'''Shego''': Kim Possible has something that ''belongs'' to us!
:'''Kim''': Guess what? I don't want it.
:'''Shego''': It's on you? What, like, stuck?
:'''Kim''': ''Hello'', it's not a nose ring. ''[pointing to the nano bug stuck on her nose]
:'''Drakken''': ''[to Shego]'' Take her whole ''NOSE'' if you have to!
:'''Shego''': Works for me!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Shego''': ''[to Drakken]'' Can you not be weird? Please?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Drakken''': Shego has ''failed''?! But she ''never'' fails! ''Naw!!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ron''': ''[freaking out]'' The tick... is in... the straw. The tick is in the straw. The tick is in the straw! What do I do?! What do I do?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

==='''[[w:Downhill (Kim Possible)|Episode 5.Downhill]]'''===

:'''Barkin''': Sweet mother of pearl!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Barkin''': ...That's a lot of plush, lady.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Barkin''': Lady, you are...
:'''DNAmy''': Special?
:'''Barkin''': You are SICK, AND WRONG!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''DNAmy''': We could have been so cute together, Stevie. But now you'll know what it's like to be genetically fused with a hairless rodent! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': Rufus, you're alright! ...And you're wearing Barkin's clothes...
:'''Kim''': ...Then what's Mr. Barkin wearing?
''[Barkin appears out of the other end of the machine, torso and above, apparently naked]''
:'''Barkin''': STOPPABLE, I NEED ''PANTS!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kim''': Just once, I wish the bad guy's lair didn't have to blow up...

==='''[[w:Bueno Nacho (Kim Possible)|Episode 6.Bueno Nacho]]'''===

:'''Wade''': I have bad news.
:'''Kim''': No kidding. I can ''not'' afford this jacket.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ron''': Is that a clip-on tie, Ned?
:'''Ned''': ''[clipping and unclipping tie]'' For quick removal in the event of a grease fire. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ron''': Oh, no... no, no, not the puppy dog pout!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Drakken''': A-ha! Eat magma, Milwaukee!
:''[He slams his fist down on the &quot;fire&quot; button, but only molten cheese pours out.]''
:'''Drakken''': Why isn't Milwaukee eating magma? ''(as molten cheese rises around his ankles)'' Please do not tell me that this place is actually made of cheese! I thought it was a cheese-covered building!
:'''Sinking Tour Guide''': ''(floating by)'' Oh, golly, no. You'd be surprised... ''(gets swamped)'' BLUB BLUG GLUG...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ron''': Rufus, this is a precision instrument, incredibly complex. Better mess with everything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ron''': ''[over loudspeaker at Bueno Nacho]'' Fifty-eight, your order's great! Fifty-nine, looking fine! Sixty, um... your food's ready.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kim''': Ron. We might have a lead on Drakken. ''(weighing them in her hand)'' Drakken... nachos? I'm gonna have to go with Drakken.
:'''Ron''': Well, that kind of 'tude is narrowing the race for &quot;employee of the month.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kim''': ...Mom, do you have me on speaker?
:'''Kim's Mom''': Sorry, honey - I've got both hands in a fifty-two-year-old male's temporal lobe.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Drakken''': ''[to Kim]'' You see?! Any second now, I will strike swiftly, and without mercy...!
:'''Shego''':...Er...actually, make it more like...half hour?
:'''Drakken''': Fine, whatever.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Drakken''': Excuse me... I have to go make a scene.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kim''': Ron, get to the laser drill. ''I'll'' take care of Shego.
:'''Ron''': Great plan...! What exactly is the plan, again?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ron''': ''[Rufus picks up dog biscuit]'' Don't eat it, Rufus! It could be -
:''[Rufus stuffs the biscuit in Ron's mouth]'' 
:'''Ron''': - Hmm. Mmm. Bacony.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kim''': ...What're you eating?
:'''Ron''': Taco meets Nacho. I call it: 'The Naco.'
:'''Kim''': ...I call it gross beyond reason.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ron''': I belong... I belong to Bueno Nacho! ''Yo amo esto lugar!'' ''(&quot;[[w:Burger King|I love this place!]]&quot;)''
:'''Rufus''': ''Si!'' ''(&quot;Yes!&quot;)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ned''': Your bilingual wiles will hold no sway with me, Miss Possible. I am ''management''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ned''': Well, well, well! Looks like you've got a choice to make, Stoppable! What's more important - Your sacred duty as assistant manager, or your pathetic role as goofy sidekick?
:[Ron and Ned circle each other before coming to a halt]
:'''Ron''': Well that's no choice at all. I guess it's time to say... ''Buenos noches, Bueno Nacho''. (Good night, Bueno Nacho)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ron''': Guess that wasn't much of a plan.
:'''Kim''': Not as great as your Bueno Nacho bathroom-break-chart.
:'''Ron''': I gooned on a system manager power. You were right.
:'''Kim''': I did resent your superior burrito technique. You're entitled to excel. Forgive me?
:'''Ron''': Duh! Forgive me?
:'''Kim''': Totally.
:'''Drakken''': Aw, that's so sweet. Friends again. Just in time to be fried in magma.
:'''Ron''': Remind me again why rushed over.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Drakken''': [To a henchman] ''' ''Can't you drill any faster?ǃ'' ''' I'd have built an entire army of evil robots in the time it's taken '''you''' to penetrate the Earth's crust!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': What's wrong, KP? You won.
:'''Kim''': I'm very happy. Really.
:'''Ron''': You don't sound happy.
:'''Kim''': Okay. I know this is beyond shallow but, I saved the world and I'm no closer of owning that Club Banana jacket!
:'''Ron''': Maybe, ''[hands Kim a Club Banana box]'' maybe not.
:'''Kim''': Ron!
:'''Ron''': Oh, it's no big deal. My Naco bonus was way bueno.
:'''Kim''': You are too sweet! I love it! ''[hugs Ron]'' Thanks. ''[Ned arrives wearing the same jacket]'' Ned?
:'''Ron''': Dude, what are you wearing?
:'''Ned''': Somebody left this picture over the cheese machine, and I just had to have it. Viva me!
:'''Ron''': Exchange it?
:'''Kim''': Oh yeah!

==='''[[w:Number One (Kim Possible)|Episode 7.Number 1]]'''===

:'''Ron''': There it is - Killigan's Island. ''[Will and Kim stare at him]'' What?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Agent Will Du''': I've got no time for games.
:'''Big Daddy''': That's too bad. I was going to suggest you and my friend play &quot;Thud.&quot;
:'''Will''': &quot;Thud&quot;?
:''[Big Daddy claps; large goon emerges from the shadows; Will Du is tossed through a window.]''
:'''Big Daddy''': ''[laughs]'' I love that game! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Bonnie''': In case you're wondering, Kim, that's what giving 150% looks like.
:'''Kim''': Careful, Bonnie, I hear when you reach 160, you spontaneously combust.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kim''': Ron, have you been listening to a word I've said.
:'''Ron''': Bonnie has the nerve to challenge me after all I've done for the squad, after all I've done for her? I can't ''believe'' this!...Close quote. ''[Kim looks at him in askance]'' Now, were you listening to my burrito problem?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': ''[after watching Killigan disappear through a hole beneath his feet]'' Suddenly, the whole world is full of holes that people just whoosh away in.

==='''[[w:Mind Games (Kim Possible)|Episode 8.Mind Games]]'''===

:'''Kim''': You make my life sound like cake. 
:'''Ron''': Let's see, you're smart, athletic, pretty and popular.  Sounds pretty cakey to ''me''. 
:'''Kim''': Okay, flip mode. Playing video games, watching wrestling,  and downing &quot;snackage.&quot; It must be brutal being you. 
:'''Ron''': Try the demands of raising Rufus as a single parent? Not to mention the pressures of maintaining my image. ''[Kim gives him a sideways glance]'' Okay, so I don't exactly have an image yet; but I'm working on it. And frankly, it's exhausting! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mrs. Possible''': As a board-certified neurosurgeon, I've got to say: It's just not possible to swap brains.
:'''Ron as Kim''': Point taken, Dr. P, but how else do you explain my bare midriff? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mr. Possible''': ''(chuckling)'' Chasing bad guys, switching brains... high school sure has changed since my day.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Drakken''': Declare me supreme ruler of Earth, or I will neutronolize a different major city, every hour on the hour! That should do it.
:'''Shego''': What does &quot;neutronolize&quot; mean, anyway?
:'''Drakken''': I have no idea. But the military had it, it was top-secret, that's good enough for me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kim as Ron''': Ron and I will distract them, while you disarm the neutronolizer...
:'''Ron as Kim''': How come, when I finally get to be you, I still end up being the distraction?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ron''': Good news, we're all back in our bods. Bad news, I think we neutranilized the Neutranilizer.
:'''Kim''': Or not. ''[the Neutranilizer is in one piece]''
:'''Private Dobbs''': Did I neglect to mention that Neutranilizer is dang near indestructible?
:'''Ron''': I know someone like that.
:'''Kim''': Back at ya, brain-switch boy!

==='''[[w:Attack of the Killer Bebes (Kim Possible)|Episode 9.Attack of the Killer Bebes]]'''===

:'''Kim''': There's plenty of teams and clubs out there. You could join... the Mathletes!
:'''Ron''': Yeah, right! I can't get in that kind of shape!
:'''Kim''': How about the debate team?
:'''Ron''': Look, I'm not going to argue with you, Kim!  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ron''': ''[mocking Kim]'' Oh, I'm Kim Possible, I can do ''anything''! ...Except believe in my best friend! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Bonnie''': ''[mocking Ron's new Mad Dog mascot]'' This is idiotic! The entire student body will laugh at you.
:'''Ron''': But--
:'''Bonnie''': Not &quot;with&quot;, &quot;AT&quot;!
:'''Ron''': Look...
:'''Bonnie''': Loudly and cruelly, they...will...laugh!
:'''Ron''': You don't deserve to get kissed by a naked mole rat.
:'''Rufus''': Yeah!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mr. Possible''': Drew dropped out and we never saw him again. He never forgave us, and I think, in some small way, we never forgave ourselves.
: '''Kim''': For just a giggle fit?
: '''Mr. Possible''': Oh, no, we laughed for days. looong and loud... with youthful abandon! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kim''': Wade, Ron's missing. Can you find him?
:'''Wade''': Do you think I have him microchipped, or something?
:'''Kim''': Well, do you?
:'''Wade''': ''[reluctantly]'' Yeah, hang on...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kim''': The fact, that I was so rotten to you, that's not gonna drive you into becoming some sort of masquerading villain, is it?
:'''Ron''': If I said yes, would you let me do my Mad Dog-routine?
:'''Kim''': That's not a good reason for me to say yes.
:'''Ron''': I know.
:'''Kim''': Because you're my best friend, that's a good reason.
:'''Ron''': Boo-yah! Mad Dog lives! ''[howls like a dog]''

==='''[[w:Royal Pain (Kim Possible)|Episode 10.Royal Pain]]'''===

:'''Barkin''': This is a democracy, people, now DO AS I SAY! LET'S HEAR SOME NOMINATIONS!

==='''[[w:Coach Possible (Kim Possible)|Episode 11.Coach Possible]]'''===

:'''Ron''': It's just a game. With small children. Who cry when they see you coming!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kim''': ''[To her mother]'' Not the puppy dog pout! That's ''mine''!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kim''': Ron, what are you doing here?
:'''Ron''': I come for the games but I stay for the burnt pizza smell. ''[sniffs the air]'' Mmm.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Senor Senior Jr.''': Looks like we picked up a few passengers. Kim Possible and her sidekick-type friend whose name escapes me.
:'''Senor Senior Sr.''': ''[leaning out of helicopter]'' What is your name again, young man?ǃ
:'''Ron''': ''[yelling]'' IT'S RONǃ RON STOPPABLEǃ
:'''Senor Senior Sr.''': ''That's'' right...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': Quick, shimmy up the cable.
:'''Kim''': ''You're'' closer, ''you'' shimmy.
:'''Ron''': Have you ever seen me shimmy? It's not pretty.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': Come on, we don't have much time.
:'''Kim''': Ron, they're in a ''helicopter''? We'll never catch them.
:'''Ron''': Who's talking about them? Bueno Nacho closes in three minutes! I'm starving!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': You get one chimerito and they give you like a dozen little packets of Diablo sauce. You can't ''possibly'' use all this sauce. Somewhere, there's a landfill loaded with unopened hot sauce. And someday, ''I'm'' gonna find it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': I think your natural competitive Kim-ness has taken you to a very dark place.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''Wade''': Well. They shouldn't be hard to find.
:'''Ron''': Yeah, the ''map'' helps.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Senor Senior Sr.''': It is your evil disco; not mine.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Senor Senior Sr.''': So, you taught the animals to cha cha cha. Now, tell me your villainous scheme.
:'''Senor Senior Jr.''': My plan is this. As the funny animals dance to the pounding beat, the crowd will be inspired to do the same!
:'''Senor Senior Sr.''': And then?
:'''Senor Senior Jr.''': We will party all night long!
:'''Senor Senior Sr.''': Everyone will dance? ''That'' is your evil plan?
:'''Senor Senior Jr.''': Aaaaand...I will overcharge for beverages! Hahahaha!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Senor Senior Sr.''': Ah, the 'clever threat'! Good, Jr.! Now, you must follow through with a display of violent anger.
:'''Senor Senior Jr.''': But I'm mildly put off at best!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(In the Possible living room, Kim's dad is shown to have broken his leg) 
:'''Mr. Dr. Possible''': Kimmie, the team needs a coach, just until I'm back on my feet. 
:'''Kim''': You cannot be serious; I don't know the first thing about soccer. 
:'''Mrs. Dr. Possible''': What's to know? You're wonderful with children. (Jim and Tim come in rolling, fighting and knocking over furniture)
:'''Kim''': (angrily) Those are not children! I'm not even sure if they are human! (the Kimmunicator beeps) Wade, what's the sitch? 
:'''Wade''': There's been some trouble at JP Barrymore's Pizza Partytorium! 
:'''Kim''': Tell me about it! My dad is totally out of action. 
:'''Wade''': No, Kim, after you guys left, they were robbed.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waiter''': Somebody stole JP Barrymore! 
:'''Ron''': At least you still have the back-up band.
:'''Waiter''': The bear was totally carrying those hacks! JP is the state of the art animatronic musicians!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': Pizzapottomus! No! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': KP, this can't go on.
:'''Kim''': What?
:'''Ron''': Studying, in study hall, it sets a bad precedent.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kim''': There's no &quot;I&quot; in team. 
:'''Tim''': And there's no &quot;fun&quot; in soccer. 
:'''Jim''': Not with her hogging the ball. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kim''': Wade, can you hack into the system contolling the animals?
:'''Wade''': Kim, it's the most sophisticated computer system I've ever ''seen''!
:'''Kim''': ''It's a banjo-playing bear!''
:'''Ron''': '''''THEY TOOK HIS BANJO!'''''

==='''[[w:Pain King vs. Cleopatra (Kim Possible)|Episode 12.Pain King vs. Cleopatra]]''' ===

:'''Ron''': ''[scoffing]'' Cleopatra. Who's going to remember ''her'' 10 years from now?

==='''[[w:Monkey Fist Strikes (Kim Possible)|Episode 13.Monkey Fist Strikes]]'''===

:'''Dr. Possible''': Morning, honey. How'd Cambodia go?
:'''Kim''': Mixed. The good part, I rescued a priceless icon from a ferociously snaky, spiky pit. Less good, a ninja stole it.
:'''Dr. Possible''': Isn't that just like those darn ninjas?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lord Monty Fiske''': Crazy, you say? Like it was crazy to spend the family fortune on radical genetic mutation and dangerous experimental surgery? Like it was crazy to become a man-monkey WHO VIOLATES EVERY LAW OF NATURE AND SCIENCE?! ''[calms down]'' It's a touch unconventional...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lord Monty Fiske''': Bow to my power! I am... MONKEY FIST!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Monkey Fist''': And so, monkey hater, we meet again...! ''[bell chimes]'' Serenity time, time to center...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ron''': ''[thinking]'' I must become that which I fear most... ''[aloud]'' HEY, MONKEYS! HIT ME!

==='''[[w:October 31st (Kim Possible)|Episode 14.October 31st]]'''===

:'''Drakken/Killigan''': Kim Possible?!
:'''Killigan''': You know her?
:'''Drakken''': Know her, hate her. Shego, ATTACK!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Killigan''': I WANT MY MONEY!
:'''Drakken''': Look, I said I would pay you when the stolen Centurion Project is in my possession.  It is ''not'' in my possession, therefore, I'm not paying.
:'''Killigan''': You... you... you're a criminal!
:'''Drakken''': My dear fellow, I repeatedly try to take over the world. ''OF COURSE I'M CRIMINAL!'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kim''': Wade, cool costume...! Wait a second, you're going to leave your room?
:'''Wade''': No way, I do it all online.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Alien''': Greetings, Anchor Man! I come from a distant star cluster, seeking chocolate!
:'''Wade''': Hey, Eugene.
:'''Alien''': Aw, how did you know it was me?
:'''Wade''': Cross-ref'd your ISP address. I put the candy credits in your mailbox.
:'''Alien''': Thanks, Wade! Go in peace.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Killigan''': AH, STICK A SOCK IN IT!

==='''[[w:All The News (Kim Possible)|Episode 15.All The News]]'''===

:'''Ron Stoppable''': It's an exposé I call...
:'''Editor''': &quot;Math: You'll Never Actually Use It In The Real World&quot;
:'''Ron Stoppable''': I'm already working on a follow-up piece about semicolons!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Adrena Lynn''': ''Fuh-reaky!'' (repeated line)
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kim Possible''': Some kid's gonna get hurt trying to imitate that girls stunts!
:'''Jim''': Hey! Let's see if we can sneak into the bear cage at the zoo, like Adrena Lynn!
:'''Tim''': Cool!
:'''Jim''': Here, tie this steak on!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron Stoppable''': Sorry, KP, but discovering your favorite action hero is a big fake is not something you just 'get over'.
:'''Kim Possible''': And this from a wrestling fan?
:'''Ron Stoppable''': I don't see the connection.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''TV Announcer''': And reports that Adrena Lynn is a fake, coupled with a rash of copycat stunts across the country...
:'''Jim''': That's us! (high fives Tim, prompting pain, given they bungee jumped off a roof with yarn shortly beforehand)
:'''TV Announcer''': ...has prompted this network to ''cancel'' Adrena Lynn in favor of more... responsible programming. (reaction shot) So! Stay tuned for an extra hour of... &quot;Stuff on Fire!&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Dr. Possible''': Jim, Tim, there'll be no rooting for your sister's foe.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kim Possible''': Listen, I'm sorry you almost plunged to your death on worldwide television...
:'''Brick Flagg''': Kim, stop. I get it now.
:'''Kim Possible''': ''(dubious)'' You do?
:'''Brick Flagg''': Sure. You had that skinny guy expose Adrena Lynn so she'd freak out and set up this whole 'Save Brick' thing, just to prove you dug me! Kim, you're nice and all, but you try too hard. If you just asked me out, that's cool, but this is too much. I'm sorry, but it's over.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brick''' ''[to Kim]'' Hey.
:'''Kim''': Um, hey, Brick. 
:'''Brick''': Uh, nice outfit.
:'''Kim''': Thanks. It's, er, my size.
:'''Brick''': You know, I think what you do is really amazing.
:'''Kim''': Oh saving the world is no big. 
:'''Brick''': I mean how you always spelling stuff in your cheers. It's so C-O-O-L... ''(pause)'' That's cool, right?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kim''': ''(to Ron)'' Why are you looking at me like that?
:'''Ron''': Cause I've found my story. I'm gonna interview you! ''The'' Kim Possible!
:'''Kim''': Since when does my name have a &quot;''The''&quot; in front of it? 
:'''Ron''': And Kim, I won't accept anything less than the hard-hitting truth. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kim''' ''[about Adrena Lynn's show]'' This show is a mind-numbing waste of satellite frequencies. 
:'''Ron''': You're right. Besides, I'm taping it at home. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Adrena Lynn''': Ratings are up, merchandise sales are up!
:'''Cameraman''': M-hm. Copycat incidences are up, too.
:'''Adrena Lynn''': It means they're watching. Not my fault if the little dweebs aren't careful.
:'''Cameraman''': Maybe they don't getting you fake the stunts?
:'''Adrena Lynn''': Whatever. The point is if we're to stay on top, the next stunt must be bigger, more extreme! 
:'''Cameraman''': Like what?
:'''Adrena Lynn''': I'm thinking bungee. Freaky!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bonnie''': Kim, I think it is so great what you did. 
:'''Kim''': Which was? 
:'''Bonnie''': I mean to risk utter embarrassment and total rejection like that. (shows Kim the paper) 
:'''Kim''': ''(reads from the newspaper)'' &quot;''Cheerleader Kim Possible thinks quarterback Brick Flagg is H-O-T, hot.''&quot; By... ''(angrily)'' Ron Stoppable?! 
:'''Bonnie''': We'll totally be here for you when he dumps you. 
:(Brick appears) 
:'''Brick''': So, Kim, you think I'm hot?
:'''Kim''': Actually, what I think I said was... 
:'''Brick''': Cool. What are you doing Friday night? 
:'''Kim''': Nothing. I mean nothing with you. 
:'''Brick''': Pick you up at eight? 
:'''Kim''': I, uh... 
:'''Brick''': ''(to some random boy next to him)'' Hey, she thinks I'm hot. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kim''': ''(to Ron)'' So, I think Brick Flagg is hot?! 
:'''Girl''': ''(to some boy)'' It's true. She just said it herself! 
:'''Ron''': Did you see it? My name in lights? Well, in ink actually, but still. 
:'''Kim''': Ron, you ferociously misquoted me! 
:'''Ron''': Whoa. I may have done a tiny bit of rephrasing but, come on; you'd think a crime-fighting cheerleader would give a more interesting interview. The paper liked my story so much, they're giving me a column!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': (to the cafeteria lady) I'll have an omelet, whites only. (gets a heap of greasy food) (to Kim) She must not know who I am. 
:'''Kim''': I'm not sure I know who you are. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brick''' (to Wade): Hey, you're Kim's computer dude. 
:'''Wade''': And you're that &quot;Kim thinks you're hot&quot; dude.
:'''Brick''': (proudly) Yeah, yeah, that's me.
:'''Kim''': Excuse me, uh, Brick, I have to go.
:'''Brick''': See you Friday.
:'''Wade''': He seems nice.
:'''Kim''': Okay, spit it out, computer dude.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': What a story! Adrena Lynn is a real hero. 
:'''Kim''': Ron, she stole that blimp. 
:'''Ron''': This is art, KP. Sacrifices must be made. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': (notices the Adrena Lynn dummy that Kim saved) Oh, no, it can't be! It was just a dummy. She didn't even fall. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kim''': Ron, get over it, already.
:'''Ron''': Sorry, KP, but discovering that your action hero is a big fake is not something you just get over.
:'''Kim''': And this from a wrestling fan? 
:'''Ron''': I don't get the connection.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wade''': Looks like Pop-Pop Porter got so much publicity; he's not pressing charges for the blimp theft. 
:'''Ron''': She's getting away with it? 
:'''Wade''': Well, I was able to highlight the key areas on that photo file. 
:'''Ron''': She calls herself extreme. The big fake! 
:'''Kim''': Imagine that. Lying to the public just to build up your own reputation. 
:'''Ron''': Disgusting! (pauses) Well, Adrena Lynn might get a pass from Pop-Pop, but Ron Stoppable smells a story.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(While Kim is watching the TV)
:'''Anchorwoman''': And, in our top story, Ron Stoppable of the Middleton High newspaper reports that extreme teen Adrena Lynn is an extreme fake.
:'''Ron''': (shows a newspaper) I'm in the paper, too. I'm national, baby! 
:'''Kim''': (reads from the newspaper) &quot;''Ace reporter Ron Stoppable, heralded for breaking the story of TV fake. Adrena Lynn's ratings plummet faster than her fake fall''.&quot; Can this get any more annoying?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:[After Jim and Tim end up in the hospital]
:'''Kim''': You were doing what?!
:'''Jim''': Bungee jumping out of a blimp, like Adrena Lynn.
:'''Tim''': Only we didn't have a blimp, so we used the roof.
:'''Jim''': And we didn't have a bungee cord, so we used yarn. 
:'''Mr. Dr. Possible''': That Adrena Lynn is a menace! 
:'''Mrs. Dr. Possible''': (angrily) She didn't really bungee jump out of a blimp. Don't you boys watch the news?
:'''Jim''': No. The only show we watch is Adrena Lynn.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kim''': Brick, wait! We need to talk. 
:'''Brick''': Did you just say &quot;we need to talk&quot;? (Kim nods) That's exactly what Amelia said last year when she dumped me. I mean, when we, you know, broke up. 
:'''Kim''': Well, you can't really call it breaking up if we haven't even... 
:'''Brick''': I was a wreck. I totally blew it in the big game against East Side. So, what did you wanna talk to me about? 
:'''Kim''': Just that... I can't wait for Friday either. 
:'''Brick''': Cool. (walks off) 
:'''Kim''': I am so toast.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(At the Possible residence, the TV is only showing static) 
:'''Mr. Dr. Possible''': Darn TV! 
:'''Tim''': You have to make it work. What good having a broken leg if you can't watch TV all day? 
:'''Mrs. Dr. Possible''': Maybe this is a good thing. We can have quality family time. 
:(''Pause'') 
:'''Jim''': (desperate) Dad, please! 
:'''Tim''': You're rocket scientist. Can't you do something? 
:'''Mr. Dr. Possible''': Well, I could put it in geosynchronous orbit, but I'm not sure how that would help.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Adrena Lynn''': (about Kim) She is so toast! Roll the camera!
:'''Cameraman''': Hello, Lynn, we've been cancelled!
:'''Adrena Lynn''': We're not cancelled until I say we're cancelled! (Cameraman starts to film as she talks) A lonely highway, a desperate mission. Tonight I will pull my greatest stunt yet! Revenge against Kim Possible and Ron Stoppable! (the camera man cuts the camera) How's that for a teaser?
:'''Cameraman''': Good. It'd be better if we had an audience. 
:'''Adrena Lynn''': Oh, we will.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:[When Kim comes home]
:'''Mrs. Dr. Possible''': Oh, Kimmie, your boyfriend called while you were out. 
:'''Kim''': He's not my boyfriend! 
:'''Mrs. Dr. Possible''': That's not what Ron said on the Ron Report. (Kim sighs) Is something wrong, honey? 
:'''Mr. Dr. Possible''': (pause) You have our undivided attention. (pause) The TV's broken. 
:'''Kim''': Ron made up a story about me liking the quarterback, and now I'm stuck dating him or we'll lose the big game. Meanwhile, there's a worldwide satellite crisis. 
:'''Mrs. Dr. Possible''': Kimmie, you have to be honest with Brick. If the football team loses, it's not your fault. (pause) I can't help you with the satellite thing. 
:'''Tim''': (pointing to the TV) Uh, I don't think you have to worry about dating Brick tonight. 
:'''Brick''': (on TV) Hey, I thought you said Kim wanted to meet me here. 
:'''Adrena Lynn''': Oh, she'll be here. 
:'''Jim &amp; Tim''': Adrena Lynn! 
:'''Mr. Dr. Possible''': Huh, I thought she was cancelled. (switches through all the channels, but all of them show Adrena Lynn) 
:'''Kim''': Well, I think we know who's jamming the satellite transmissions. (takes up the Kimmunicator) Wade? 
:(Adrena Lynn's broadcast appears on the Kimmunicator) 
:'''Adrena Lynn''': Tonight, Ron Stoppable, Kim Possible versus me in extreme combat! And, to raise the takes, I have Kim's boyfriend. 
:'''Kim''': (angrily) He is not my boyfriend! (everyone looks at her, and she sighs) Don't worry, I'm going. (leaves)
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Kim and Ron are driving through the woods on Ron's scooter'') 
:'''Ron''': Kim, the only thing down this road is the old Middleton Fairgrounds. 
:'''Kim''': That, and Adrena Lynn. 
:'''Ron''': That place is haunted. Plus, I lost ten bucks trying to win a stuffed hippo. 
:'''Kim''': Too bad, Ron. If it weren't for you and your stories, we wouldn't be here!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Adrena Lynn''': High school quarterback, Brick Flagg, takes the ride of his life! And only one person can save him! His beloved girlfriend, Kim Possible! 
:'''Ron''': And me. 
:'''Kim''': Drop the dramatics, Adrena Lynn. This isn't a game! 
:'''Adrena Lynn''': Exactly! It's real, it's extreme, and it's freaky! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''' (while on the swings ride): Kim! No, please, this ride always makes me throw up! Argh! (he spins around) ...Kim! ...Kim! ...Kim! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': Adrena Lynn, you can not do this! 
:'''Adrena Lynn''': And why not? 
:'''Ron''': I'm the one responsible for you've been cancelled. I called you a fake. 
:'''Brick''': What? 
:'''Ron''': I guess takes one to know one. I made up that stuff about Kim liking Brick just to sell my story. 
:'''Brick''': Oh, harsh! 
:'''Ron''': It worked, kind of, but the thing is that if the fake part about you is what people like, what good is that? 
:'''Adrena Lynn''': You're right. 
:'''Ron''': From now on I'm keeping it real. 
:'''Adrena Lynn''': Me, too. Starting with my very real defeat of Kim Possible! (she laughs manically) 
:'''Ron''': Okay, that didn't work.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(After Kim has saved Brick)
:'''Kim''': Let's see. (imitating Adrena Lynn's voice) What will I do next? (takes Adrena Lynn, and flies high up with her using a jetpack)
:'''Adrena Lynn''': I do extreme stunts for a living. You think I'm afraid of heights?
:'''Kim''': You fake extreme stunts. Let the world see how brave you are when there's real danger. (flies wildly) Not so extreme after all now, are you? Are you?!
:'''Adrena Lynn''': (terrified) No. 
:'''Jim &amp; Tim''': (watching it on television) Now she tells us! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': Headline: Quarterback sacks Kim Possible! She has a dislocated heart and will be out for the remains of the season! (Rufus shuts his mouth)
:'''Kim''': Thank you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

==='''[[w:Kimitation Nation (Kim Possible)|Episode 16.Kimitation Nation]]'''===
:'''Drakken''': Kim Possible always defeats me! And it vexes me so.
:'''Shego''': You? I'm the one fighting her.
:'''Drakken''': That's true. It is you she always defeats.
:'''Shego''': What's your point?
:'''Drakken''': I simply need to tip the odds in your favor.
:'''Shego''': How?
:'''Drakken''': Suppose you outnumbered her. Suppose there was an army of you against one of her.
:'''Shego''': Oh no, again with the cloning!?
:'''Drakken''': One little thread of hair should do it...
:'''Shego''': ''[pulls out her contract]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up, chief! You cannot have my DNA! I have a &quot;no cloning&quot;-clause in my contract. Remember?
:'''Drakken''': That was then. This is now!
:'''Shego''': Yeah, yeah. And this is me saying I QUIT!!
:'''Drakken''': Shego, wait, don't go! Oof, I think I got a papercut.

&lt;hr width 50%&gt;
:'''Drakken''': Who needs Shego and her DNA?! I have options! I have henchmen!
:''[Cut to henchmen doing their usual incompetant stuff]''
:''[Drakken walks over to his desk and slouches into the chair]''
:'''Drakken''': ''[to henchmen]'' ...To clone any one of you would be a crime against humanity that even ''' ''I'' ''' am incapable of.

==='''[[w:The Twin Factor (Kim Possible)|Episode 17.The Twin Factor]]'''===
:''[Shego enters]''
:'''Guard''': Hey, Frankie, you got my eye smoker?
:'''Shego''': Maybe ought to lay off the caffeine. ''[uses her energy to put the guard asleep]'' It keeps you awake.
:'''Drakken''': Well done, Shego!
:'''Shego''': Dr. Drakken, stop!
:'''Drakken''': I give the orders. You do not tell me to stop. ''[alarm goes off]''
:'''Shego''': ''[irritated]'' I do, when I haven't shut down the alarm system yet!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kim''': ''[under mind control, to Ron]'' Doctor Drakken will see you now. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Dr. Possible''': Remember: candy is dandy, but fruit helps you poop.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Drakken''': I love this. Hand me a fork.
:'''Shego''': ''[under mind control]'' Yes, Dr. Drakken!
:'''Drakken''': Get me a Dodo bird.
:'''Shego''': Yes, Dr. Drakken!
:'''Drakken''': Psyche! Dodo birds are extinct! Oh, I'm being silly.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Kim, Ron, and Jim &amp; Tim are about to go on a plane trip]''
:'''Kim''': Okay. Does anybody need to take care of any business?
:'''Jim &amp; Tim''': No.
:'''Ron''': &quot;Business&quot;? Like what? Banking?
:'''Kim''': Ron, ''business''. As there won't be any &quot;rest-ups&quot;.
:'''Ron''': Kim, the boys are 10. They don't need to take a nap. I don't think rest is gonna be an issue.
:''[Rufus climbs up to Ron's ear and whispers to him]''
:'''Ron''': Oh... right. ''[pauses]'' Uh... excuse me. ''[runs toward the house]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rufus''': ''[When he and Ron are cornered by the mind controlled Kim and Shego]'' Uh oh, uh unn, oh no, oh no, pain, please no, un uh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kim and Shego have been freed from Drakken's control]''
:'''Shego''': Nice outfit.
:'''Kim''': Nice apron.
:'''Shego''': ''[rips off the apron and angrily walks to Drakken]'' Okay, Doc. For future reference, the chip made obey every command. But I was aware of exactly what was happening!
:'''Drakken''': The whole time?
:'''Shego''': Dodgeball and dodos!?
:'''Drakken''': Ooh...
:'''Shego''': DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT LISTENING TO YOU IS LIKE!!? IT IS SO BORING!!
:''[Shego chases Drakken out of the lair]''

==='''[[w:Animal Attraction (Kim Possible)|Episode 18.Well Animal Attraction]]'''===

:'''Ron''': ''[to Kim]'' You blue foxes think you know everything! 

==='''[[w:Monkey Ninjas in Space (Kim Possible)|Episode 19.Monkey Ninjas in Space]]'''===

:'''Monkey Fist''': Take a picture, it'll last longer. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Dr. Possible''': There's nothing &quot;cool&quot; about stealing a spacecraft.
:'''Monkey Fist''': Oh, really?
:'''Dr. Possible''': That's right! In fact, I'd say that it's quite &quot;whack.&quot;
:'''Monkey Fist''': Doctor, I am guided by the ancient prophesy of the Mystical Monkey Monk... I am not &quot;whack.&quot; 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Monkey Fist''': And from the space station, we shall rule the world! Oh, the weapons on board must be incredible...!
:'''Dr. Possible''': There are no weapons on the space station! It's dedicated to peaceful research.
:'''Monkey Fist''': Now, ''that''... is &quot;whack.&quot; 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ron''': [[w:Planet of the Apes|Get your stinking paws off me, you filthy monkey!]]

==='''[[w:Ron the Man (Kim Possible)|Episode 20.Ron the Man]]'''===

==='''[[w:Low Budget (Kim Possible)|Episode 21.Low Budget]]'''===
:'''Frugal Lucre''': Kim Possible, we meet at last! ''(Loses the fake accent)'' Oh, this is so cool!
:'''Ron''': Drop it, mama's boy!
:'''Frugal Lucre''': Am not! And don't come any closer. This thing's loaded!
:'''Kim''': With what?
:'''Frugal Lucre''': Beef bullion, if you must know. Ever try to get the smell out? Huh? You can't! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
:'''Kim''': Ew...
:'''Ron''': He's right, Kim. Do what he says!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kim''': Alright Lucre, cough up the sausages!
:'''Ron''': Ew! Rephrase please!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Frugal Lucre''': You might've stopped me this time, Kim Possible, but Frugal Lucre will return! Muahahahaha...! If my mom bails me out.

==Season 2==
27 Episodes by July 18, 2003 - August 5, 2004

==='''[[w:Naked Genius (Kim Possible)|Episode 1.Naked Genius]]'''===
:'''Wade:''' So if Rufus is the genius, then how is Ron gonna build Draken a doomsday device?
:'''Kim:''' He's not.

----

:'''Franklin''': Kim Possible? Lt. Franklin.
:'''Kim''': What's the sitch?
:'''Franklin''': At 0800 hours someone broke into the main lab and locked us out.
:'''Franklin''': It appears the intended target is Project Phoebus.
:'''Kim''': Which is...?
:'''Franklin''': A top secret government experiment.
:'''Kim''': Which does...?
:'''Franklin''': Project Phoebus is a level five security classification.
:'''Kim''': Which means...?
:'''Franklin''': Look, it means I don't know what the darn thing does! None of us do.
:'''Ron''': You're joking, right?
:'''Franklin''': Is this the face of a joker, son?
:'''Ron''': Yea, not so much.

----

:'''Drakken''': And now, Shego, I shall use my newly acquired brilliance to begin the design of my doomsday device. ''(starts drawing)'' Yes! I can feel my brilliance blossoming. It's as if my hand is but a humble servant to the power of my advanced mind. ''(shows Shego the picture.  It turns out that the picture is of a house.)'' So what do you think?
:'''Shego''': Erm, nothing personal but it doesn't exactly scream doomsday or brilliance.
:'''Drakken''': Nonsense! It must be so advanced that your own puny intellect cannot grasp it. ''(makes another drawing, then shows it to Shego.)'' Here! Take a look at this one!
:'''Shego''': A puppy and a horsy. Cute.

----

:'''Drakken''': Is it ready yet, boy?!
:'''Ron''': Er, it may be in another two or three... or 16 weeks. Say, now might be a great time to take that super freak singles cruise you've been thinking about?
:'''Drakken''': ''(breaks down door)'' That doomsday device better work. Otherwise, you'll be swimming with the fish! ''(to Shego)'' Fish, right? Or is it fishes?
:'''Shego''': Fish or fishes.
:'''Drakken''': Which is it?
:'''Shego''': Both are correct plural forms of singular word, &quot;fish&quot;.
:'''Drakken''': You're very smug, right now, aren't you?
:'''Shego''': A little bit.

==='''[[w:Grudge Match (Kim Possible)|Episode 2.Grudge Match]]'''===
:'''Kim''': Ron, I'm gonna say something to you I've never said before. 
:'''Ron''': What?
:'''Kim''': You're thinking too much!
==='''[[w:Two to Tutor (Kim Possible)|Episode 3.Two to Tutor]]'''===
:'''Shego''' ''[watching Junior run the obstacle course]'' Pretty good time... for a wounded tortoise.
:'''Senior''': Hey Junior, I thought we could work on our evil laughs together?
: '''Junior''': Father, can you not see I am a wounded porpoise?
:'''Shego''': Yeah, I said &quot;tortoise.&quot; With a &quot;t.&quot; Tuh. Tuh. Tortoise!
:'''Junior''': See, Father, how mixed up you make me!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': You know, for someone who can disarm a doomsday device, you seem to have major mixer issues.
:'''Kim''': Ron, this machine hates me!
:'''Ron''': It senses your fear.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kim''': ''(trying to use the electric mixer)'' I feel ridiculous!
:'''Ron''': [[The Empire Strikes Back|That, Kim... is why you fail.]]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kim''': Too bad about your restaurant.
:'''Ron''': Well, when the health inspector saw a live rodent, you know, serving the food... [[Julius Caesar|the die was cast]].
:'''Rufus''': Sorry.

==='''[[w:The Ron Factor (Kim Possible)|Episode 4.The Ron Factor]]'''===

:'''Kim''': No, no, seriously, you need Ron?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Dr. Director''': Status report?
:'''Scientist''': Project analysis is complete. The Ron Factor is a non-factor.
:'''Dr. Director''': Well, there's a whole bunch of research dollars down the drain.
:'''Scientist''': Not exactly. The data revealed a powerful untapped force. We call it the Rufus Factor. 
:'''Rufus''': Hi-yah!

==='''[[w:Car Trouble (Kim Possible)|Episode 5.Car Trouble]]'''===
:''[After Drakken has been messed up by the advanced home appliances]''
:'''Drakken''': What happened?
:'''Shego''': You know, for someone who is supposedly a mad genius I'm not seeing much of the genius.
:'''Drakken''': Keep it up Shego, and you'll see plenty of the mad.
:'''Shego''': ''[sarcastically]'' Ooh, scary man!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ron''': Is using a calculator in algebra cheating?
:'''Kim''': I don’t use a calculator.
:'''Ron''': Okay. Well, is cutting and pasting stuff from the internet and calling it a term paper cheating?
:'''Kim''': You are kidding, right?
:'''Ron''': What? 
:'''Kim''': I can pass this thing on my own. I know I can.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mr. Barkin''': Now, let's see a K-turn. 
:'''Talking SUV''': Honey, I'll give you the whole alphabet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kim''': Is it cheating if I cheated but didn't mean to cheat?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Drakken''': You think your car's all that, but it's not!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kim''': (Talking about how she failed her driver's test) Check the motto: I can do anything!
:'''Ron''': Right, you can do anything, including fail. See, the logic?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kim''': (to Ron) Let no one doubt your mad fence jumping skills.

==='''[[w:Rufus in Show (Kim Possible)|Episode 6A.Rufus in Show]]'''===
:'''Kim:''' There he is... that's Falsetto Jones.
:'''Ron''': Why do you think he's called &quot;Falsetto&quot;?
:'''Falsetto''': ''(high-pitched)'' Welcome, humans and canines alike, to my annual dog show!
:'''Kim''': Freak helium accident.
:'''Ron''': Ouch.

==='''[[w:Adventures in Rufus-sitting (Kim Possible)|Episode 6B.Adventures in Rufus-sitting]]'''===
:'''Kim''': Rufus, jump down to me.
:'''Rufus''': Uh-uh.
:'''Kim''': Rufus, jump now!
:'''Rufus''': Uh-uh, no way.
:'''Kim''': ''(singing)'' Rock-a-bye Rufus in the treetop/ When the wind blows the cradle will rock/ When the bough breaks the cradle will fall/ And down will come Rufus, cradle and all.

==='''[[w:Job Unfair (Kim Possible)|Episode 7.Job Unfair]]'''===

==='''[[w:Golden Years (Kim Possible)|Episode 8.Golden Years]]'''===

:'''Drakken''': What am I supposed to do with an army of retired people...? Ooh, lemon squares!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ron''': Wade! How did you find me? Do you have me microchipped or something?
:'''Wade:''' Uh... that's not important now...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Drakken''': That's right – your Nana is one bad grand-mother...
:'''Kim''': You shut your mouth!
:'''Drakken''': [[Shaft (1971 film)|I'm only talkin' 'bout Nana!]]
:'''Kim''': It runs in the family.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Drakken''': Nana Possible! You think your lemon squares are all that, but they're not!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:[Kim and Nana raise their fists to strike]
:'''Drakken''': ''Not in the face!''
:[Kim and Nana exchange a look before kicking Drakken in the crotch instead]

==='''[[w:Vir-tu-Ron (Kim Possible)|Episode 9.Vir-tu-Ron]]'''===

:'''Zita''': A knave can't do that.
:'''Ron''': I'm no ordinary knave.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ron''': Looks like the Wraithmaster's captured all the players.
:'''Zita''': Come on! We've got to help them!
:'''Ron''': Are all girls like this, or just the ones ''I'' know?!

==='''[[w:The Fearless Ferret (Kim Possible)|Episode 10.The Fearless Ferret]]'''===

:'''Ron''': I'm here to spread sunshine.
:'''Timothy North''': Spread it on someone who cares.
:'''Ron''': C'mon Mr. North I won't get school credit if I don't lift your spirit with my youthful zest.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Timothy North''': The Fearless Ferret never plays second fiddle!
:'''Ron''': Well, see, t-that's perfect! I'm ready to step up!
:'''Timothy North''': You, a fierce fighter of fiendish foes?
:'''Ron''': For sure!

==='''[[w:Exchange (Kim Possible)|Episode 11.Exchange]]'''===

:'''Ron''': Oh, sure, he has looks, attitude, and a bon-diggity ride, but can he do ''this''? 
:''[Stuffs an entire can of chips into his mouth]''
: '''Kim''': ...Why would he ''want'' to? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

: '''Master Sensei''': Do as your heart tells you.
:'''Ron''': Can you hear it too?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ron''': Fuji! Why is it always monkeys?!  Why can't I ever be attacked by crazed super models?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Monkey Fist''': Let's just bring it, shall we?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ron''': It is my honor to defeat you!

==='''[[w:Rufus vs. Commodore Puddles (Kim Possible)|Episode 12A.Rufus vs. Commodore Puddles]]'''===

:'''General Simms''': That's it. I'm activating the base's self-destruct sequence. The secrets contained in Area 51 must never be exposed.
:'''Ron''': What secrets? Everybody knows already!
:'''Kim''': Sir, we still have one last line of defense. 
:'''General''': And what would that be?
:'''Kim''': Me.
:'''Simms''': You've got ten minutes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Shego''': Now what did we agree on?
:'''Drakken''': If I wanted a dog I had to promise to take care of him. Which I will. Later!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ron''': That would be the coolest shot ever... if it weren't for the 2000 ton poodle that has been unleashed into an unsuspecting world.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kim''': I know that this is going to sound weird, but you've got to let us in. There's this monster poodle....
:'''Soldier''': Name?
:'''Kim''': Commodore Puddles.
:'''Soldier''': Your name?
:'''Kim''': Oh, uh Kim Possible.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ron''': What's the real deal, what are you hiding here?
:'''Simms''': I'll show you.
:'''Kim''': It's flying saucers.
:'''Ron''': Alien technology.
:'''Simms''': Yada, yada.
:'''Kim''': But that means all the rumors are true!
:'''Simms''': Every last one of them. We've implemented a double-negative cover story. We make sure only to leak out information that is one-hundred percent accurate.
:'''Ron''': But then it's not really secret.
:'''Simms''': That's exactly what we want you to believe.
:'''Ron''': Yeah, but then... never mind.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

==='''[[w:Day of the Snowmen (Kim Possible)|Episode 12B.Day of the Snowmen]]'''===

==='''[[w:A Very Possible Christmas (Kim Possible)|Episode 13.A Very Possible Christmas]]'''===

:'''Ron''': That's it! The absolutely perfect gift for Kim! Christmas with her family!
:'''Wade''': Then who will stop Drakken?
:'''Ron''': Me!
:'''Wade &amp; Rufus''': Uh oh...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Drakken''': She'll be busy with her twinkle lights, and mistletoe, and carols... [''SNIFF!''] [[w:How the Grinch Stole Christmas|and roast beast! And  FLIM FLANGLERS!! AND ZOOB ZOOBLERS, AND...!!]]
:'''Shego''': Whoa whoa, Dr. D!
:'''Drakken''': WHAT?!
:'''Shego''': You stopped using words.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Drakken''': Soon, I, Dr. Drakken, will rule the Yule! The world will have a blue Christmas...! ''(sighs)'' It's just not the same when I rant to myself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Drakken and Ron are fighting over the control panel of Drakken's ship, hitting buttons at random]''
:'''Computer''': Initiating emergency system test... launching escape pods... initiating self-destruct... initiating bedtime sequence.
:''[A compartment opens, revealing a toothbruth in a glass, and a teddy bear sitting on a folded set of pajamas.]''
:'''Ron''': Wait a second! What was that?
:'''Drakken''': ''(shields the bedroom set)'' I don't know what you're talking about.
:'''Ron''': Before the teddy bear!
:'''Computer''': Self-destruct in twenty...
:'''Drakken''': Gah! What did you do?! This is my chance to rule the world! [[w:A Charlie Brown Christmas|All I want is what's coming to me!  All I want is my fair share!]]
:'''Ron''': SELF-DESTRUCT! SELF-DESTRUCT!
:'''Drakken''': Chill out! I have escape pods!
:'''Ron''': HAD escape pods, blue boy! We launched them!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Drakken and Ron are stranded at the North Pole]''
:'''Ron''': My fault?!  It's not my fault!
:'''Drakken''': This is so your fault!
:'''Ron''': What, I'm supposed to let you take over the world?
:'''Drakken''': In the spirit of the season, yes!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Drakken''': Ah, it went to voice mail! Um, hello, Shego, Dr. Drakken. I hope you're having a nice vacation.  Uh,  when you get the chance, could you get up here to the North Pole and save me?!  Please! It's cold and windy and dark, and we've got nothing to...!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Shego is surprised to hear that Drakken has comped her vacation.]''
:'''Shego''': ''[reads note]'' &quot;Shego, just my way of saying thanks for a super year, and Merry Christmas. Yours in evil, Dr. Drakken.&quot; Aw, that is so nice! Guess I should have taken his call.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Drakken and Ron are fighting over the last chicken leg.]''
:'''Drakken''': ''[crying]'' Name your price, Stoppable! Power? Glory? When I take over the world, you can have a continent! Any continent...! Not Europe.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mrs. Possible''': Kimmy!  Where's Ron?
:'''Kim''': ''[crying]'' I... I don't know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Drakken, Shego, Ron, and the Possible Family around a fire in an igloo at the north pole]''
:'''Drakken''': This truce only lasts through the new year.  After that, I'm gonna open up a big bag of freak on all of you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''(Ron gets Drakken's phone to call for help)''
:'''Ron''': Hello, information?  What's the number for 911?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kim''': Thanks for the lift, Mr. Nakasumi.
:'''Nakasumi''': ''(whispers)''
:'''Ms. Yori''': Nakasumi-san says, it is the least he can do, after you saved his video game factory in time for Christmas rush.
:'''Kim''': No big. I just hope I can save this Christmas.

==='''[[w:Queen Bebe (Kim Possible)|Episode 14.Queen Bebe]]'''===
:''[Kim is in the park gathering trash as fast as she can. Ron is with her, but he works slowly]''
:'''Ron''': Kim, this just isn't working!
:'''Rufus''': ''[on the end of the gathering stick, he tries to reach out to a disgusting food bag]'' Gross!!
:'''Kim''': Try, you guys. That Sweden-trip torched my schedule.
:'''Ron''': And what about the dance? Maybe just leave it to...
:'''Kim''': Don't even say the B-word! If I could just cover more ground faster...
:'''Ron''': Or you could just learn to say &quot;no&quot;.
:'''Kim''': I'm not programmed that way, Ron.
:'''Ron''': Really? Not that hard. Try it with me now. ''[grabs Kim's face, and twists her mouth]'' Okay, ready? No!
:'''Rufus''': No!
''[Kim backs away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ron''': What's the big deal with letting Bonnie be in charge of the dance?
:'''Kim''': Letting ''her'' chair the dance? She wouldn't settle for chair – she'd want throne. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ron''': We're coming KP [running to the built bee hive]
:'''Kim''': Ron. [realizes she's moving too fast for Ron to see her] You can't even see me. [continues fighting the Bebes]
:'''Ron''': Kim? Are you here?
:'''Bonnie''': They let you out of the dumb factory?
:'''Ron''': Bonnie? You're their queen?
:'''Bonnie''': This is so totally Kim's fault. Where is she?
:'''Ron''': She's moving at hyperspeed, just like the Bebes. 
:'''Bonnie''': Uh?! Why does SHE get to be invisible? Is she gonna lord that over me, too? 
:'''Ron''': Not invisible, moving too fast to see! She's got new shoes.
:'''Bonnie''': Whatever.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ron''': You know, you should cut down on the extra-currics.
:'''Kim''': And be a lazy, uninvolved sloth like you?
:'''Ron''': Hey! Don't knock the sloth! Do you know they don't have go to the bathroom for a week?
:'''Kim''': Er, any more fun sloth facts?
:'''Ron''': No, no, I think that's it... Oh! They sleep upside down!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''(Kim and Rufus try to reach the dance but arrive at the Golden Gate Bridge)''
:'''Kim''': Only missed the dance by a ''thousand'' miles that time!
:'''Rufus''': Oh man!
:'''Kim''': Okay this time even slower.
''(The two race off and end up at the Statue of Liberty.  Kim sighs, giving up)''
:'''Kim''': I'm sure the shoes will come off... eventually.  Wanna dance?
''(Kim and Rufus begin dancing with each other in front of the Statue)''

==='''[[w:Hidden Talent (Kim Possible)|Episode 15.Hidden Talent]]'''===

:'''Drakken''': First, you'll be sealed in a reinforced titanium box. Next, you will be dropped into this bottomless chasm. Then, the chasm will be filled with water. Then, man-eating sharks and a giant squid will then be released into the water!
:'''Shego''': Wait, if the chasm is bottomless, how can you fill it with water?
:''[pause]''
:'''Drakken''': IT'S VERY, VERY DEEP, ALL RIGHT?! ''(inhales)'' Lastly, I shall freeze over the water with a six-foot layer of solid GLACIAL ICE! ''(inhales)'' ANY QUESTIONS?
:'''Shego''': Not if you're gonna get all snippy.
:'''Kim''': Eh, beats humiliation at the talent show, I guess.

==='''[[w:Return to Camp Wannaweep (Kim Possible)|Episode 16.Return to Camp Wannaweep]]'''===
:'''Bonnie''': You know Kim I have some cover up that'll help conceal those monstrous bags under your eyes.
:'''Kim''': Wouldn't have bags under my eyes if it weren't for your ferociously loud snoring.
:'''Bonnie''': [Gasps] Me? Snore? Must have been the crickets.
:'''Kim''': Only if you inhaled them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bonnie''': Stoppable, get back here and save us! Or, more specifically, me!

==='''[[w:Go, Team Go (Kim Possible)|Episode 17.Go, Team Go]]'''===
:'''Ron''': ''[to Drakken]'' Hi, I'm Ron Stoppable. We've met, but you always seem to forget my name.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Aviarius''': Heat-seeking hummingbirds, attack!
:'''Kim''': Hummingbirds? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Aviarius''': Release... the Flamingo of ''Doom''!
:'''Shego''': Say what?
:'''Ron''': [[w:Guybrush Threepwood|That is the second-biggest flamingo I have ever seen.]]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Hego''': The more we fought evil, the more Shego liked it.
:'''Ron''': The fighting?
:'''Kim''': The evil.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shego''': Argh, there's no way I can do this! Five minutes with my brothers and I'm ready to claw my own eyes out! ''[tries to walk out]''
:'''Kim''': ''[stops Shego from leaving]'' Shego, I have brothers, too. I know how annoying they can be, but you can't walk out.
:'''Shego''': Why not?
:'''Kim''': Because if you don't help, I'll tell the world you used to be a good guy.
:'''Shego''': ''[shocked]'' You wouldn't!
:'''Kim''': I have a website, and I'm not afraid to use it.
:'''Shego''': My reputation would be shot! Argh!
:'''Kim''': ''[takes the Kimmunicator]'' Wade, I need top to bottom scan on Go Manor.
:'''Wade''': You got it, Kim! ''[notices Shego]'' Kim, is Shego in your kitchen?
:'''Shego''': Just do your computer thing, nerdlinger.
:'''Ron''': ''[referring to Shego]'' Has she always been this cranky?
:'''Hego/Mego''': Oh, yeah.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kim''': Shego, I thought we were in this together!
:'''Shego''': Oh, come on! Don't you know me better by now? I mean (laughs), seriously!
:'''Ron''': She's right. Keeping everybody's powers to herself and using them for evil. See, that's got more of the Shego vibe.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Hego''': ''[to Shego]'' You may be a smart-mouth, prone to excessive violence, but deep down, you are still a member of Team Go: a hero.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Drakken''': I mean really, you practically gave it to her.
:'''Shego''': Whatever.
:'''Drakken''': Now that I know the whole story, I think you secretly wanted to lose.
:'''Shego''': What?
:'''Drakken''': That's right. You wanted your brothers to get their powers back. You don't really have it in you to betray them.
:'''Shego''': Are you saying I'm growing soft?
:'''Drakken''': As a marshmallow.
:'''Shego''': RRRGGHHH!!! ''[rises from her seat]''
:''[Scene changes outside. Shego has thrown Drakken outside his mech and he is hanging on]]''
:'''Drakken:''' Shego! I take it back! You're not a softie! Shego!!

==='''[[w:The Full Monkey (Kim Possible)|Episode 18.The Full Monkey]]'''===

:'''Ron''': The mad dog cannot be caged, leashed-
:'''Kim''': Or housebroken.
:'''Ron''': That game was in triple overtime, I couldn't leave the court! I got a little excited, and, well, accidents happen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ron stops eating what he thought were snack treats.]''
:'''Ron''': OH, GREAT GOOGLY-MOOGLIES! WHAT IS IN MY MOUTH?
:'''Professor Acari''': Toasted chili peppers...
:'''Ron''': Oh, phew!
:'''Professor Acari''': And mountain grasshoppers! Delicious, aren't they?
:'''Kim''': Ron, maybe you should look before you eat.
:'''Ron''': Crunchy and spicy has never betrayed me like this before!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Barkin''': Let's move it, people, time for student photos! Stoppable, none of your punk hand gestures this time.
:'''Ron''': What? It was a thumbs-up!
:'''Barkin''': Sit on your hands just in case.

==='''[[w:Blush (Kim Possible)|Episode 19.Blush]]'''===
:''[In a volcanic lair.]''
:'''Drakken''': And so, Kim Possible, all you can do is watch helplessly as I launch my pollution machine into the Earth's ozone layer!
:''[Kim hits a switch, shutting the hatch to the launch tube.  The pollution machine crashes, and the lair is destroyed. Cut to later, inside a space station.]''
:'''Drakken''': And so, Kim Possible, you have no choice but to bear witness to the power of my Doomsday Decimator!
:''[Kim snags the decimator with a line and hauls it around before it fires, destroying the lair.  Cut to later, in an underwater lair.]
:'''Drakken''': And so, Kim Possible, the time has come for you to... ''[turns and sees Kim and Ron already free and running away, followed shortly by an explosion.]'' Oh, come on! Time out! I mean, I haven't even gotten into my gloating yet, for Pete's sake!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drakken''': I'm serious, Shego -  Kim Possible has foiled my plans for the last time! 
:'''Shego''': Yeah, the last time ''today'', maybe. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wade''': Activating parachute measures now! ...Oops!
:'''Ron''': Wade! We're free-falling off a cliff! This is no time for &quot;oops&quot;!
:'''Wade''': My bad! I never got around to actually installing the chute, it's sitting here in my closet! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shego''': Huh, he's kinda cute. I approve.
:'''Drakken''': What are you, her sister all of a sudden?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drakken''': (Thinking of a way to finally defeat Kim Possible) Embarrassment? That's it, Shego! That's the soft white underbelly of the teenage soul!
:'''Shego''': Uh, ew.

==='''[[w:Partners (Kim Possible)|Episode 20.Partners]]'''===
:'''Amy''': You are the biggest meanie in the world!
:'''Drakken''' : Aha, you have heard of me.

&lt;hr width 50%&gt;

:'''Drakken''': Now Shego, who got game?
:'''Shego''': [sighs] You got game.
:'''Drakken''':﻿ Straight up [falls down stairs]

==='''[[w:Oh Boyz (Kim Possible)|Episode 21.Oh Boyz]]'''===

==='''[[w:Sick Day (Kim Possible)|Episode 22A.Sick Day]]'''===
:''[Shego has Kim trapped]''
:'''Kim''': I have to sneeze!
:'''Shego''': What?
:'''Kim''': I need to cover my nose!
:'''Shego''': Nice try, Kimmie!
:''[Kim sneezes right into Shego's face.]''
:'''Shego''': Ugh, that was a low blow!
:''[Kim blows her nose]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drakken''': I'm so excited, and I just can't hide it! What is suppose this thing does, Shego? Shego? ''[phone rings]'' Hello?
:'''Shego''': D, I'm calling in sick. Kim Possible gave me her stupid cold.
:'''Drakken''': What!? You can't call in sick!
:'''Shego''': I have to go, I'm... I'm... ''[puts down the phone and sneezes]'' Ugh, that's disgusting!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': Shego! Wow, you look green. I mean, greener.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ron has brought the Ray-X to the Possible house]''
:'''Ron''': A sick, sneezy baby spread her germy ill all over me. Thank goodness for the Stoppable Fortress of Immunity!
:''[Scene changes as Ron sits on the table, sick and eating chicken soup. He sneezes and Rufus brings him a tissue]''
:'''Kim''': ''[laughs]'' Fortress of Immunity, huh?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ron and Kim both have colds.]''
:'''Ron''': I so don't get this soap opera!
:'''Kim''': What's not to get? Felicia's arch-enemy created a machine that [[Kim Possible#Mind Games|swapped her brain with Brock's]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drakken and Killigan are both in bed with colds.]''
:'''Duff Killigan''': Aye, can you believe Felician and Brock switched brains?
:'''Drakken''': I know! So does that mean the wedding's off?

==='''[[w:The Truth Hurts (Kim Possible)|Episode 22B.The Truth Hurts]]'''===

''(Having been hit with a truth ray, Kim tries to see if she can lie.)
:'''Kim''': The sky is – blue! My name is – Possible! Pro wrestling is – fake! Nooooo!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''(Shego prepares to fight Kim on ice skates)''
:'''Shego''':  I'm going to whip you on technical merit ''and'' artistic impression!
:'''Kim''': Bring.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shego''': ''(mockingly to Drakken after Kim busts their hideout)'' &quot;We'll build a frozen fortress, she'll ''never'' find us there!&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wong''': ''(to Drakken)'' You make no sense to me.
:'''Shego''': ''(sardonically)'' Welcome to my ''life''.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': My worst nightmare is the one where I'm at school, with only my underwear on. 
:'''Kim''': Ron, you've actually done that.

==='''[[w:Mother's Day (Kim Possible)|Episode 23.Mother's Day]]'''===

:'''Mama Lipsky''': ''[seeing Drakken's lair]'' Is this all for your radio show?
:'''Shego''': Radio show?
:'''Drakken''': Yes... for my... radio show.  Uh, I've got to get back to my callers.
:''[He presses a button and his henchman listen]'' 
:'''Drakken''': Hello, listener. My advice to you is, you should... get in touch with your feminine side, yes. 
:''[Henchman look confused]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Drakken''': ''[to Shego]'' Mother doesn't know I'm a supervillain. She thinks I'm a radio talk show doctor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Drakken shows his plans to steal the plasma with a model of the cargo train and describes them to Shego. At the end he snatches the train off its tracks and turns to see his mother.]''
: '''Mama Lipsky''': Aren't you a little old to be playing with your Peter Puffer Puff toys?
: '''Shego''': She's got a point, Choo Choo Boy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

: '''Mama Lipsky''': Don't you think it's time you settled down... ''[points to Shego]'' and met a nice girl?
: '''Shego''': ''(caught off guard)'' Oh, um... ICK!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[after helping her mother perform brain surgery]''
:'''Mrs. Possible''': You were a big help in there Kimmie, and you didn't faint once.
:'''Kim''': Oh, well, I was too busy throwing up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

: '''Kim''': ''[seeing her mother dressed in the same style of mission outfit as Kim]'' Mom, this is a mission. I need Ron.
: '''Mrs. Possible''': Well, now you don't have Ron. You have Mom.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Showing the henchmen his plan, Drakken smashes the pickle with his hand]''
: '''Mama Lipsky''': Drewby, what did I tell you about playing with your food?
: '''Drakken''': ''[embarassed]'' My food is not a toy. It's for my tummy to enjoy. ''[Henchmen giggle]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[In the woods as the train with the synthoplasma draws near.]''
: '''Mama Lipsky''': ''[points to the sonic disruptor]'' What's that?
: '''Drakken''': It's for man-in-the-street interviews.
: '''Shego''': And where is the street? 
: '''Drakken''': Zip a lip, Shego.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

: '''Drakken''': ''[about Kim]'' It's a complicated relationship.
: '''Mama Lipsky''': She must be a special girl. ''[to Shego]'' Looks like you missed your chance with my boy, honey.
: '''Shego''': ''[sarcastically]'' Yes, how will I ever live with myself?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Dr. Drakken''': So, Kim Possible and her, eh... sister?
:'''Mrs. Possible''': Is he hitting on me?
:'''Kim''': Nah, sidekicks really confuse him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[On a speeding train.]''
: '''Shego''': Peter Puffer-Puff's approaching the giant gorge... 
: '''Drakken''': You're loving this, aren't you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mrs. Possible''': What would Ron do now?
:'''Kim''': Probably cry... or run.

==='''[[w:Motor Ed (Kim Possible)|Episode 24.Motor Ed]]'''===
:'''Motor Ed''': Let's do it to it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kim''': Felix, you go stand watch.
:'''Felix Renton''': You mean, &quot;sit&quot; watch.
:''[Kim claps a hand to her mouth, mortified...]''
:'''Felix''': Kim? I'm just playing you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kim''': Where is Ron?
:'''Motor Ed''': Your skinny dude? Yeah, he's here. He's fine. But that can change... in a hurry. Seriously!
:'''Ron''': Kim, get over here! And stop by Bueno Nacho drive-thru on your way, I'm starving.
:'''Ed's Sidekick''': Oh, yeah, yeah, wait, me too, man! Put me down for an all-beef hoagie with hot peppers and mayo? Uh, anybody else want nuthin'?
:'''Wade''': ''(typing)'' Keep talking, almost got a trace...
:'''Motor Ed''': Hey, Red? Tell your computer guy not to waste his time on a trace. I'm shooting you a map.
:''[A fax appears on Wade's machine.]''
:'''Wade''': He's not as dumb as the hairstyle might lead you to think...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Motor Ed''': This is bogus, Red! A man should not be booted off his ride!
:'''Kim''': Quit calling me &quot;Red&quot;! Seriously!

==='''[[w:Ron Millionaire (Kim Possible)|Episode 25.Ron Millionaire]]'''===

:'''Ron''': Ah, the Naco. My wondrous and historic creation for the Bueno Nacho corp.  Part nacho, part taco, all delicious.
:''[Ron imagines himself the subject of a black-and-white film, shot at the turn of the century.]''
:'''Ron''': [[w:Alexander Graham Bell|Possible, come here! I need you.]]
:'''Kim''': ''(Western accent)'' Oh, Ronald, it is a wonderment! It will change the world.
:'''Ron''': Yes. Yes, it shall.
:''(Back in reality:)''
:'''Kim''': That's how you remember it?
:'''Ron''': Pretty much.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kim''': Open the envelope, Ron.  Maybe the check's big enough for you to grande-size.
:''[Ron opens the envelope, and his eyes bug out when he sees the check.]''
:'''Ron''': ''(stammering)'' I-it's for nuh-nuh-nuh, ni...
:'''Kim &amp; Bonnie''': ''(looking)'' $''99,000,000?!''
:'''Bonnie''': ''(tousling Ron's hair)'' Ron Stoppable, you are such a hottie!
:'''Ron''': Are you saying that because I'm rich?
:'''Bonnie''': Uh-huh.
:'''Ron''': ...Cool!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kim''': This is way worse than when he got the frou-frou haircut.
:'''Wade''': Look at it this way: Ron's lost it much faster than usual, so maybe he'll snap out of it faster too.
:'''Kim''': He's calling himself &quot;The Ron.&quot;
:'''Wade''': Or maybe he's lost to us forever
:

==='''[[w:Triple S (Kim Possible)|Episode 26.Triple S]]'''===

==='''[[w:Rewriting History (Kim Possible)|Episode 27.Rewriting History]]'''===

:'''Kim''': How could anybody who did so much good go so bad?
:'''Dr. Possible''': Ah, don't worry, Kimmie. I'm sure it won't happen to you.
:'''Kim''': Dad!
:'''Dr. Possible''': Oh, that's not where you were going with this.
:'''Kim''': No! I'm just convinced that Mim's innocent.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Shego:''' Oh, let me guess, the previous tenant is Professor Dementor?
:'''Drakken:''' No, it's someone named Demens.
:'''Shego:''' Doy, that's Dementor's real name.
:'''Drakken:''' He uses a fake name?
:'''Shego:''' Ye-aah, can you imagine, Drew Lipsky?


==Season 3==
:10 Episodes by October 15, 2004 - June 10, 2006
==='''[[w:Steal Wheels (Kim Possible)|Episode 1.Steal Wheels]]'''===
:'''Shego''': You actually stole a wheelchair. What's next? Candy from a baby?
:'''Drakken''': Been there, done that.

==='''[[w:Emotion Sickness (Kim Possible)|Episode 2.Emotion Sickness]]'''===

:'''Shego''': I don't get it. If you're such an evil genius, shouldn't you invent your own stuff? I mean, what's with the stealing?
:'''Drakken''': It's called [[w:outsourcing|outsourcing]], Shego!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kim''': Stealing again, Drakken?
:'''Ron''': Whatever happened to inventing your own stuff?
:'''Drakken''': It's called outsour... Oh, just get on with it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Drakken''': Who am I kidding? I've ''never'' fit into a size six. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Shego''': Brrrr. Cold weather: perfect for cuddling. Latte?
:'''Drakken''': I like latte, but as to the cuddling... Pasadena.
:'''Shego''': Why?
:'''Drakken''': Because... uh... because you're freaking me out, that's why!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kim finally caught up with Ron at her locker]''
:'''Kim''': Now, about that favor...
:'''Ron''': ''[nervously tries to walk away]'' Look, Kim, I...
:'''Kim''': You see, tonight's the big Middleton days festival, and I don't have a date. ''[stops Ron from leaving]''
:'''Ron''': Date? You wanna go to the festival as my date?
:'''Kim''': Oh, I thought you'd never ask!
:'''Ron''': Wait, but, I...
:''[Ron is interrupted, when Kim begins to kiss him. After a brief confusion, Ron gives in and kisses her back]''
:'''Wade''': ''[appears on the screen]'' Hey guys, I... 
:''[Wade is shocked, when he sees Kim and Ron kissing. He spits his soda and falls from his chair. The kiss ends, and Ron falls slowly to the floor, extremely happy.]''
:'''Wade''': Um, bad time to call?
:'''Kim''': ''[giggles]'' Guess what the sitch is, Wade? ''[lifts Ron back up]''
:'''Wade''': I'm, um... Just wanted to let you know I've got a link to the communicator and... Were you guys just smacking lips?
:'''Kim''': Great, Wade.
:'''Ron''': Whatever you say.
:'''Kim''': I'm gonna get ready for tonight. ''[gives Ron a cat growl as she leaves]''
:'''Wade''': What's going on? ''[Ron closes the locker on Wade]'' This isn't normal! Hello!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ron''': Dating could be good, ya know, the date thing... But what if it tanks? It could totally wreck our friendship! No. No! I can't let that happen! Only one thing to do: break up with Kim! Thanks, man. You've been a big help.
:'''Barkin''': Stoppable, how did you get in my house?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Shego''': I was thinking it's time for some evil.
:'''Drakken''': Evil, you say? You mean &quot;take over the world&quot; type evil or &quot;Drakken goes ouch&quot; evil?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mrs. Possible''': We're just tickled pink about you and Kimmy.
:'''Ron''': We are?
:'''Mr. Possible''': But not too pink. Time to have a fam-to-Ron talk.
:'''Ron''': It is?
:'''Mrs. Possible''': We want Kim to be happy.
:'''Ron''': We do.
:'''Mr. Possible''': If not, it's a one-way ticket on a deep space probe.
:'''Ron''': H-how deep?
:'''Mr. Possible''': Black hole deep, Ronald.
:'''Ron''': Uh... great...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kim''': ''[in a rage]'' Nobody dumps Kim Possible!
:'''Ron''': Breaking up is so not easy!
:''[Ron runs off with Kim furiously giving chase]''
:'''Drakken''': A scorned woman! Ha ha! The perfect weapon!
:'''Dr. Bortel''': If she is wearing Moodulator number 1, then, where is the second one?
:'''Drakken''': ''[realizing what Bortel means]'' The second one? Uh-oh!
:'''Shego''': ''[with a fury]'' DRAKKEN!!
:''[Shego attacks Drakken with her energy blasts. Drakken runs away screaming]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Drakken''': Find your own hiding place.
:'''Ron''': Oh, right. Like you called dibs.
:'''Drakken''': Well, I am now. Dibs! Ha!
:'''Ron''': Well, I'm calling double dibs.
:'''Drakken''': Agh. Fine. You've won this round with your superior dib calling. But that won't save us from ''them!'' [Kim and Shego]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': ''[nervously]'' Still upset?
:'''Kim''': ''[shows Ron the fried Moodulator]'' So not the drama!
:'''Drakken:''' So, Kim Possible, you were lucky this time.
:'''Kim''': You might wanna be careful.
:'''Drakken''': Ha! You threaten me?
:'''Ron''': No, Shego still got some ''major'' Moodulator issues.
:'''Shego''': ''[jumps in]'' DRAKKEN!!
:'''Drakken''': Mommy!
:''[Shego blasts Drakken with an energy blast, and he runs away with Shego chasing him]''
:'''Ron''': So I... I guess crush and everything was all the Moodulator, huh? 
:'''Kim''': Not everything. There's still fireworks.
:'''Ron''': You think so?
:'''Kim''': ''[points to fireworks above them]''

==='''[[w:Bonding (Kim Possible)|Episode 3.Bonding]]'''===

:'''Bonnie''': What's the matter, K? Too rough out there for you?
:'''Kim''': Maybe, Bonnie, if you caught me like you were supposed to...
:'''Bonnie''': Was I? I thought you ''liked'' flying and falling all over the place!
:'''Kim''': What exactly is your problem with me?
:'''Bonnie''': Oh, it's always about YOU, isn't it, Kim? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kim''': Today's not your lucky-
:''[Ron falls on her, allowing Dementor to seize the electronic device.]''
:'''Dementor''': Correction, today I feel very lucky. So long, farewell, ''auf wiederschen'', GOODBYE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ron''': ''[Referring to Kim and Bonnie's rivalry]'' It's the circle of life.
:'''Kim''': Interesting choice of words. ''[Lifts flashlight to illuminate a lion behind Ron, alluding to the ''Lion King']'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mrs. Possible''': Interesting. There's a high density molecular process involved in this bonding agent.
:'''Mr. Possible''': It's a ''sticky'' situation!
:'''Mrs. Possible''': Ha! Good one!
:'''Mr. Possible''': Thanks.
:'''Kim''': So not helping.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[While Ron and Barkin are attached at the hip, Barkin drags Ron to a rugby match.]''
:'''Barkin''': Feels good! Feels right, doesn't it?
:'''Ron''': I can taste my spleen... 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Barkin is doing laps at the gymnasium pool, with Ron attached to his hip.]''
:'''Ron''': ''[gasping]'' You could have planned this a little better!
:'''Barkin''': Don't be a water weenie, Stoppable! Only fifty more laps. Big breath, let's go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Connie''': ''[to Kim/Bonnie]'' I got all the brains...
:'''Lonnie''': I got all the looks...
:'''Connie/Lonnie''': ...And Bonnie got the rest!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kim''': Yep, it's Dementor's lair, all right.
:'''Bonnie''': How can you tell?
:''[Kim points]''
:'''Bonnie''': A gift shop?
:'''Kim''': I remember when it used to be about the villainy. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Dementor''': You are too late! My men have already unleashed... ZE DACHSUNDS!
:'''Bonnie''': We're supposed to be afraid of little wiener dogs?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kim''': You stole the kinetic modulator just to make cocoa?
:'''Dementor''': It is ''very good'' cocoa. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Bonnie''': Hold up, Mr. Bad Accent Guy. Why are you telling us all this? Why don't you just get on with it?
:'''Kim''': That's how these things go.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Barkin''': I knew this day would come.  Just me and the mutant wiener dogs. 
:'''Ron''': You knew this day would come?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Dementor''': When the machine is activated, you will both be vaporized! Poof!
:'''Bonnie''': Why are you going to such elaborate measures? Isn't there an easier way to do this?
:'''Kim / Dementor''': It's how it's done!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Dementor''': Why did you have to break down the door? It wasn't locked, and I just had it painted!

==='''[[w:Bad Boy (Kim Possible)|Episode 4.Bad Boy]]'''===

:'''Drakken''': Shego! Do you know what this means?
:'''Shego''': You're gonna gorge yourself on corndogs and hork on Dementor again?
:'''Drakken''': That was last year and those were funnel cakes!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Good Drakken''': I never joke about cocoa-moo! 
:'''Shego''': Cocoa-moo?
:'''Good Drakken''': It's uses are limitless! Pudding, cookie dough, foot massages...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Good Drakken''': Mmmmm, that's good cocoa-moo! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kim''': Wade, I need you to keep an eye on Ron. You've still got him chipped, right?
:'''Wade''': Kim, we talked about the ethical ramifications of that...
:'''Kim''': Wade...
:'''Wade''': Yeah, okay.
:'''Kim''': Please and thank you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Good Drakken''': Ha-ha-ha! Had enough yet? I think you're quite finished! ''[emerges from the kitchen]'' Who wants peanut butter stickies?
:''[Two of his henchmen exchange a puzzled look, but both raise their hands.]''
:'''Shego''': This is sick and wrong on so many levels!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Ron''': Kim Possible!
:'''Kim''': Since when do you use my last name?
:'''Evil Ron''': Since I realized my full evil potential! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kim''': Ron, you've got to stop! Evil isn't your thing, it's Drakken's thing!
:'''Evil Ron''': Oh, but I'm so much better at it! Did Drakken ever build a plasma blaster of this stature? Did he?!
:'''Good Drakken''': I did not.
:'''Shego''': You didn't. Who knew the buffoon was a natural?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''TV''': Danny wait, what about us? I told you, we're just friends and it has to stay that way
:'''Ron''': Oh please, are they still teasing that Charity and Danny will get together?
:'''Kim''': Like that's ever going to happen. Besides, it would end the series.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Ron opens a shark tank under Shego]''
:'''Evil Ron''': Sidekicks need to know their place... right?
:'''Shego''': Uh... uh... you got it! Uh, I'll just go check the security monitors.  Hey, you know that evil laugh of yours? I-I love it! Loooove it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kim''': I never thought I would be saying this. But, Dr. Drakken: I'm counting on you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Evil Ron''': We've got an intruder! Kim Possible! Get ready for a smackdown in my town!
:'''Shego''': She's not on the monitors. How-how do you know?
:'''Evil Ron''': Been doing a little &quot;scannage&quot; for the Kimmunicator's frequency!
:'''Shego''': Rrrggh! Now why didn't he [Drakken] ever think of that?!
:'''Evil Ron''': That's why I'm the big dog. WOOF WOOF, BARK!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Evil Ron''': Welcome, Kimberly Ann Possible!
:'''Kim''': The middle name is so overkill.
:'''Evil Ron''': Overkill? Isn't that the idea? A-booyahahahaha! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Drakken''': ''[back to normal]'' You ditched me for that?
:'''Shego''': Did you see his mega-weather generator?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Drakken''': You think you're all that, but you're-!
:''[Drakken gasps as his lair explodes.]''

==='''[[w:Showdown at the &quot;Crooked D&quot; (Kim Possible)|Episode 5.Showdown at the &quot;Crooked D&quot;]]'''===

:''[After Joss, Kim's obsessed cousin, recognizes Rufus, but not Ron.]''
:'''Ron''': This is the pocket that Rufus comes out of!
:'''Joss''': Uh... oh, yeah! You're the one who's always losing his drawers.
:'''Ron''': Oh, sure, you save the world on a regular basis, and no one remembers your name.  But you lose your pants six or eight times, and they never let you live it down! 

==='''[[w:Dimension Twist (Kim Possible)|Episode 6.Dimension Twist]]'''===
:'''Scientist 1''':The device can create a black hole the size of Nevada.
:'''Kim &amp; Ron''': The pan-dimensional vortex-inducer?
:'''Scientist 2:''': How did you know?
:'''Kim''': Last year.
:'''Ron''': Professor Dementor.
:'''Kim''': Las Vegas.
:'''Ron''': Almost went black hole.
:'''Kim &amp; Ron''': Saved the world.
:'''Scientist 1''': Well, it's been stolen. Again.
:'''Ron''': Aww, man, a rerun!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Shego''': Do you always got to be the hero?
:'''Kim''': Always got to be the pain?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Contestant''': Can I pick Kim twice?
:'''Drakken''': How come no one ever picks me?
:'''Contestant''': 'Cause you're the creepy blue guy!
:'''Evil Eye for the Bad Guy Host #1''': Blue is so last season.
:'''Evil Eye for the Bad Guy Host #2''': This year is evil umber!
:'''Doctor''': Blue skin? That means he's not breathing! Quick, somebody, get the jaws of life!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drakken''': Its a trap-trap. No one ever expects a trap-trap.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drakken:''' Aha, Kim Possible, you have fallen for my trap!
:'''Kim:''' Ron, you said this wasn't a trap.
:'''Ron:''' How can it be a trap if we knew that it was a trap?
:'''Drakken''': Its a trap-trap.
:'''Ron''': Oh, yeah, okay.
:''[Kimmunicator beeps.]''
:'''Drakken''': Nargh, answer it.
:'''Wade''': Kim, its a trap-trap.
:'''Shego:''' Okay, moving on...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wade''': Just make sure you're not the one wearing-
:'''Kim''': -a red shirt?
:'''Commander''': And... you. You're expendable. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': ...And... we are... back. I'm Ron... and we are... talking to Dr. Drakken... who is..
:'''Drakken''': Here. ... to talk about.. this book!
:'''Ron''': Your book?
:'''Drakken''': Apparently. 
:'''Ron''': Ooh, great, what is it about?
:'''Drakken''': Um... me. Its about me. 
:'''Ron''': Now you've been threatening to write a book for a while, can you tell me more?
:'''Drakken''': Well, I... I rather like me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wade''': I'm gonna try and move you two into the same demension. Get ready.
:'''Shego''': Agh, what fresh torment is this?
:'''Wade''': Kim, did I match you up?
:'''Kim''': Kind of...
:'''Shego''': Not.
:'''Kim''': There's been a cross over between Drakken's vortex inducer and the cable signal.
:'''Shego''': Doy, I figured that out three channels ago!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': Ah! My pancreas!
:'''Drakken''': Watch where you're going! [gasps] Its you! That.. that guy!
:'''Ron''': Kim Possible's sidekick.
:'''Drakken''': Um... uh... still not.. helping.
:'''Ron''': Ron. Ron Stoppable.
:'''Drakken''': Yes! That's exactly who you are, I- [music plays] what is that?
:'''Ron''': The Fearless Ferret theme song.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kim and Shego fight as Rufus watches helplessly. The Kimmunicator drops next to Rufus]''
:'''Wade''': Rufus, where's Kim?
:'''Rufus''': Shego!
:'''Kim''': ''[still fighting]'' Go, Wade. I'm listening.
:'''Wade''': I found Ron. I'll try to move you guys to the same dimension.
:'''Shego''': Oh, great, dweeb to the rescue.
:'''Kim''': What makes you think you're coming with?
:'''Shego''': Because this is way too... moopy for me.
:'''Kim''': Moopy? Oh, you were on Pals? I love that show!
:'''Shego''': Figures.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drakken''': My lair. I'm back!
:''[Shego and Kim fall on top of Ron and Drakken]''
:'''Shego''': Well, well, the geek got us home.
:''[Kim and Shego continue fighting]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drakken''': Ah, quite right Shego! Time for us to escape and seal the pathways leaving Kim Possible and Company trapped forever!
:'''Ron''': What- oh, man, come on, I'm not done with my soup!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drakken''': That wasn't supposed to happen! I must have done something wrong.
:'''Shego''': Yeah, seventh time's the charm. ''[giggles]'' Gah! Why am I talking like this?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shego''': Just not your day! Or dimension...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Man''': Well. Doth thou travel here with frequency young maid?
:'''Shego''': Back off, barn boy!
:'''Cast''': ''[grabbing pitchforks]'' A witch!
:'''Shego''': A what?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kim''': Where are we this time?
:'''Shego''': I'm gonna say pro-wrestling.
:'''Kim''': Mm. Good call. 
:'''Shego''': Could this be any easier?
:'''Kim''': Uh, I don't think so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Host''': We are ninety stories above a busy city street. Does that scare you?
:'''Shego''': No. 
:'''Kim''': Not really.
:'''Shego''': Should it?
:'''Host''': Well yeah! Because we are talking about a bungee jump! ''[Kim and Shego look at each other]'' Aren't ya scared?
:'''Kim''': No.
:'''Shego''': Are you?
:'''Host''': Why would I be- AHH! ''[Shego grabs him and jumps over the side of the building]''
:'''Shego''': Here we go, pretty boy!
:'''Kim''': ''[exasperated]'' Shego! ''[jumps after them]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kim''': Here they come!
:'''Drakken''': Um, what comes where?
:'''Shego''': ''[to Drakken]'' I blame you for this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drakken''': Come Shego, I've made some repairs to the compiler. Its time to leave this travesty!
:'''Shego''': Um, that doesn't look very-
:'''Drakken''': Stop being panic Nancy! ''[grabs her wrist and goes through the vortex]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wade''': Everything's back to normal... mostly.
:'''Kim''': So what happened to Drakken?
:'''Wade''': Looks like he took a detour.
:'''Toys''': Lalalalalalalalalala!
:'''Shego''': This is so worse that moopy. 
:'''Toy''': Today's color is green! Do you see anything green?
:'''Shego''': Yeah, I got your green, felt-face!
:'''Drakken''': ''[nervously]'' Shego, you're going to anger Mr. Sit-down.
:'''Shego''': What? Oh.

==='''[[w:Overdue (Kim Possible)|Episode 7A.Overdue]]'''===

:'''Ron''': How many times is someone gonna feed me [[w:haggis|sheep's lungs cooked in its own stomach]], before they get that I don't like it?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Shego''': Where's Possible?
:'''Ron''': SHE'S NOT MY GIRLFRIEND!
:'''Shego''': Whoa there, never said she was.
:'''Ron''': Ooh... Heh-heh, awkward...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kim''': ''[over the Kimmunicator]'' Hey, Wade.
:'''Wade''': What's up, Kim?
:'''Kim''': Have you heard from Ron? I haven't seen him all day.
:''[On the &quot;Wadebot&quot; monitor, Ron is running from a giant mutant flower.]''
:'''Ron''': AH! AH! IT'S GOT ME! OH MAN, IT'S GOT ME...!
:'''Wade''': Ron? Uh... haven't heard a peep.
:'''Dementor''': ''[laughing]'' With my mutagenic plants, I shall grow a new world! A world that I control!
:'''Ron''': OW! THORNS! OH, THEY HURT WHEN THEY'RE POKING! OW!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Monkey Fist''': Ron Stoppable...
:'''Ron''': You're the only one who ever gets my name right; I respect that.

==='''[[w:Roachie (Kim Possible)|Episode 7B.Roachie]]'''===

:'''Ron''': Sinking! Sinking! Oh man, now the tugging! Why is there tugging?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;     
:'''Ron''': You're gonna step on me? How ironic is that!

==='''[[w:Rappin' Drakken (Kim Possible)|Episode 8.Rappin Drakken]]'''  ===
:'''Shego''': ''(reading the label of Drakken's mind-control shampoo)'' &quot;Lather, Rinse, Obey.&quot; Aren't you being a little too upfront here?
:'''Dr. Drakken''': Truth in labeling laws, Shego. I'm a supervillain, not a corporate shyster.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kim''': Wow, Drakken is self-foiling now! Spankin'!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Drakken''': You know, after a scheme goes south, nothing cheers me up like kareoke night!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Drakken''': Shego, that's it! Yes! Really, no this time, trust me!
:'''Shego''': What?
:'''Drakken''': And here I thought I was the evil genius! You're brilliant! 
:'''Shego''': What are you talking about?
: '''Drakken''': Who needs M.C.-what's-her-name...?
:'''Shego''': Oh, no...
: '''Drakken''': I can make sure that my shampoo is most wanted!
:'''Shego''': Oh, please no...
: '''Drakken''': I will become... A HIP-HOP STAR!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Shego''': I know I'm going to regret saying this, but you may have finally achieved &quot;so dumb it just might work.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ron''': You can't spell inspiration without procrastination!
:'''Kim''': Eh... Yes, you can.
:'''Ron''': Not the &quot;ation&quot; part. Booyah! 

==='''[[w:Team Impossible (Kim Possible)|Episode 9.Team Impossible]]'''===

:'''Drakken''': You think you're all that, but ''they'' are!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Dash DaMont''': I thought you were supposed to be some kind of Master of Monkey Kung Fu?
:'''Ron''': You know, it's funny, it comes and goes...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Dash DaMont''': ''[preparing to fight Kim]'' I wish there was some other way...
:'''Ron''': Really?
:'''Dash DaMont''': No, I'm told we should always say that, for legal reasons.

==='''[[w:Gorilla Fist (Kim Possible)|Episode 10.Gorilla Fist]]'''===

:''[On a &quot;gravy ghost&quot; haunting the school cafeteria]''
:'''Wade''': I don't know what to tell you, Kim. After watching the cafeteria security tape, I can't explain what happened either.
:'''Kim''': Did you analyze the gravy sample?
:'''Wade''': Yup.
:'''Monique''': And?
:'''Wade''': You don't want to know. ''[pauses]'' Not till graduation. ''[pauses]'' From college.
:'''Monique''': I say we trust him on the gravy. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ron''': ''[walking in]'' Nacos, plenty of Diablo sauce and some snackies...
:'''Kim''': Sneaking Bueno Nacho into school?
:'''Ron''': Hey, KP! No, just picked up some snacks for a, erm, er... field trip ''[looks around guiltily]''
:'''Kim''': Field trip?
:''[Yori enters]''
:'''Yori''': Everything is ready, Stoppable-San. 
:'''Ron''': Yori! ''[nervously]'' Ha-ha, um Yori, this is Kim and Monique. 
:''[Kim and Monique look sceptically at him]''
:'''Yori''': Ah! Kim Possible! ''[She bows]'' I have heard much!
:'''Kim''': Really? I haven't. ''[Glares at Ron]''
:'''Ron''': Oh... sure, KP... you know Yori from seventh period History?  No, no she's an old pal from Camp Wannaweep...
:''[Pause]''
:'''Ron''': We never met actually. What do you want? Who are you, stranger I do not know?
:'''Kim''': But you just said her name is Yori.
:'''Ron''': ''[nervously]'' Yori, well, it's a common name... ya know... in Japan... Well, I... I... I gotta go! Bye! 
:''[Pulls Yori off with him]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kim''': Weird.
:'''Monique''': Secret girlfriend weird?
:'''Kim''': No! He'd tell me! I mean... why wouldn't he?
:'''Monique''': 'Cause you'd go all jell.
:'''Kim''': &quot;Jell&quot;?
:'''Monique''': Green-eyed.
:'''Kim''': So? I've always had green eyes.
:'''Monique''': &lt;u&gt;Jealous&lt;/u&gt;. You're jelling!
:'''Kim''': I am not jelling!
:'''Monique''': Uh-huh.
:'''Kim''': It's just that my weird-ar's going off, that's all.
:'''Monique''': And you're jelling.
:'''Kim''': So not!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Yori''': According to the map, we should be very near.
:'''Ron''': Oh, good. Then it will be my honor to collapse from exhaustion.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Wade''': Does the name &quot;Yamanouchi&quot; mean anything to you?
:'''Kim''': That school in Japan that Ron went to last year?
:'''Wade''': Turns out it's a super-secret school...
:'''Kim''': I &lt;u&gt;knew&lt;/u&gt; he crushed on someone while he was there!
:'''Wade''': That wasn't what I...
:'''Kim''': What? You think I'm jelling? I'm &lt;u&gt;not&lt;/u&gt; jelling! Why would I jell?
:'''Wade''': Right...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kim''': Ron!
:'''Ron''': KP? What are you doing?
:'''Kim''': Rescuing you. ''[to Yori]]'' Nice try.
:'''Ron''': Whoa! Are you freaking over my friend Yori?
:'''Kim''': I am &lt;u&gt;not&lt;/u&gt; freaking! I am &lt;u&gt;not&lt;/u&gt; jelling!
:'''Ron &amp; Yori''': Jelling?
:'''Ron''': What's jelling?
:'''Kim''': Never mind jelling! Your &quot;friend&quot;, Yori, is working for Monkey Fist.
:'''Ron''': No! She's just my... She... What was the last thing I told you?
:'''Yori''': You may tell her.
:'''Ron''': Really? You sure?
:'''Kim''': She's sure. Spill.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Yori''': Oh, Stoppable-san, you make danger comical with your American-style buffoonery.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ron''': If she liked me, then why couldn't she just say so? I mean, she was being all ninja about it.
:'''Kim''': ''(awkwardly)'' Well... you got me.


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kim''': Thanks for the lift, Ricardo.
:'''Ricardo''': ''De nada'', Senorita Possible! After all, you saved my chicken farm when you dried up that mudslide!
:'''Kim''': No big. One of the reasons I carry a cordless hair dryer.
:(''Gorilla Fist'')

==='''[[w:And the Molerat Will Be CGI (Kim Possible)|Episode 11.And the Molerat Will Be CGI]]''' ===

:'''Kim''': I love what you’re wearing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Heather''': Girl, I totally know what you are saying. I had this man who would not leave me alone, he was practically stalking me.
:'''Monique''': Get out!
:'''Heather''': I won’t! If he hadn’t been my husband it would have been creepy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mr. Possible''': Honey, you know how I feel about &quot;show people.&quot;
:'''Mrs. Possible''': They're just like you and me. Except they're wealthy, beautiful and live by no recognizable moral code!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Director''': I'm on to the next big thing!
:'''Kim''': What's that?
:'''Director''': Monkey Ninjas in Space!
:'''Kim''': Been there.
:'''Ron''': Done that.

==Season 4==
21 Episodes by February 10 - September 7, 2007

==='''[[w:Ill Suited (Kim Possible)|Episode 1.Ill Suited]]'''===
:''[Ron calls Kim at 3 a.m. after waking up from a nightmare]''
:'''Ron''': Are you a Syntho-Drone, KP? Be honest, I can take it!
:'''Kim''': Ron! You had a nightmare! Goodnight.
:'''Ron''': Wait! Before that part where you melted, we were at the dance and--
:'''Kim''': We kissed.
:'''Ron''': Yeah! Did you have the same dream?
:'''Kim''': No. That part really happened, Ron.
:'''Ron''': Heh, yeah.
:'''Kim''': Yeah, but it won't happen again if you keep calling me in the middle of the night! ''[hangs up the phone]''
:'''Ron''': ''[lying back on his pillow with a big grin]'' Man, love is complicated.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dementor''': I am impressed, ''[[wikipedia:Fraulein|Fraulein]]'' Possible.  How did you know I would be here?
:'''Kim''': Uh, your &quot;To Do&quot; list helped. 
:'''Dementor''': Doh! I dropped that when I stole the ultrasonic drill, yes?
:'''Kim''': Yeah, mm-hmm, you did. And thanks for making our job that much easier.
:'''Ron''': ''(reading list)'' &quot;Steal ultrasonic drill, break into top-secret lab, call Mother, conquer world...&quot;
:'''Dementor''': Ah, I knew I was forgetting something! Mama gets so cross when I don't jingle. 
:'''Kim''': You can call her from prison. 
:'''Dementor''': Or, we can add one more item to my list: ''ELIMINATE KIM POSSIBLE!''
:(''Kim erects the dome-shaped, light blue shield around her and Ron'')
:'''Ron:''' Nicely bubble, K.P.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Kim:''' Just getting started.
:'''Dementor:''' Hold on! Time out! You have a battle-suit!? When did you this suit with the power?
:'''Ron:''' It's relatively new.
:'''Kim:''' And indestructible. So if you wanna just give up now...?
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Dementor:''' Ha! You help your so-called boyfriend while I help myself to ''escape!''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bonnie''': But you're a cheerleader! A ''senior'' cheerleader! You know what that ''means''? 
:'''Ron''': New uniforms? 
:'''Bonnie''': Well, yes, and they're ''so'' cute, ''[pushes Ron out of the way]'' but it ''also'' means you must date a jock. It's- it's non optional! It's like a rule! 
:'''Kim''': Ron's the exception to the rule.
:'''Bonnie''': He's the ''reason'' for the rule! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kim''': Cute trap, Professor.
:'''Dementor''': Why, thank you, yes, I rather like it. It's the details that really sell it, don't you think? I PICKED OUT THE CURTAINS MYSELF!
:'''Ron''': Dude, you're totally wearing a dress.
:'''Dementor''': It's a house coat! 
:'''Ron''': Yeah, uh-huh- DRESS! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kim''': I have been foiled by a man in a dress?
:'''Dementor''': IT'S A HOUSE COAT!!! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': [[Fight Club (film)|The first rule of chess club is: you do ''not'' talk about chess club.]]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': Wait, wait, it's not what you think!
:'''Kim''': Oh, so you're ''not'' a cheater, a liar and a thief!?
:'''Ron''': Okay, it is what you think. But Kim, I had to do it!! I couldn't risk losing you!!
:'''Kim:''' What are you talking about? You weren't going to ''lose'' me!
:'''Ron:''' Kim, I heard you talking to Monique. You agreed with Bonnie about dating jocks. You said that trading up was the only option.
:'''Kim:''' What!? Uh, Ron, I was talking about Monique's cellphone.
:'''Ron:''' Oh! She's got that new one like Bonnie's. That's a nice phone.
:'''Kim''': Uh-huh!
:'''Ron''': So you weren't gonna...?
:'''Kim''': Trade up my BF? Ron, I don't care about dating a jock. I care about dating you, Ron Stoppable, no matter who he is – as long as he's honest. 
:'''Ron''': ''[uncontrollably grabs Kim and starts swinging her around]'' I'm sorry, Kim. I never meant to hurt you
:'''Dementor''': Not yet! ''[pushes the lever, causing Ron to throw Kim into the soda machine]''
:'''Ron''': No, no! It's not me! It's your battlesuit! Oh, KP, our first fight!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bonnie''': Gee, Kim, is that your boyfriend out there running like a sick chicken?
:'''Kim''': ''(proudly)'' Yeah, that's my guy. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kim''': You do me proud, Ron Stoppable, by just being you.
:'''Ron''': Yeah. Who knew my mad running-away skills would have real-world applications?

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:''Note:'' The Level 10 advanced battle-suit from the part-three Season 3 finale and movie ''So the Drama'' returns.

==='''[[w:The Big Job (Kim Possible)|Episode 2.The Big Job]]'''===

:'''Kim''': Ron, this is ludicrous!
:'''Ron''': I know! You'd think a swank joint like this could spring for a real box of crayons! Oh, and watch your vocab, Kim, &quot;ludicrous&quot; is kind of a grownup word. Remember, you're 12, so maybe &quot;doofy&quot; or &quot;stupido&quot;?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Monique''': If the stuff in that coupon book was worth anything, they wouldn't be giving it away.
:'''Ron''': I won't dignify that with a response!
:'''Monique''': Cause you don't have one.
:'''Ron''': Well duh! Why else do you pull that line?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shego''': Not to seem ungrateful, Junior, but why *did* you break me out of prison?
:'''Junior''': Well, my father's birthday is coming up and...
:'''Shego''': Hold it right there, slick. I don't do cakes, okay? I don't bake 'em, ''and I don't jump out of 'em!'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Junior''': There did not seem to be this many cars on the map.
:'''Shego''': Jus-just stop the car! I'll get the book.
:'''Junior''': But I thought we'd steal it perfectly together?
:'''Shego''': Yes I'll steal it... perfectly, and you'll find a space... perfectly.
:'''Junior''': Perfect! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Monique''': You know Ron, if you had a job, then you'd have--
:'''Ron''': Impossible hours?
:'''Monique''': No-
:'''Ron''': Mean bosses?
:'''Monique''': No!
:'''Ron''': On the job injuries?
:'''Monique''': NO!!! MONEY! You'd have mad money!
:'''Ron''': ''[Pauses]'' Oh, that reminds me - Kim, can I borrow 5 bucks? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Martin Smarty''': I like to reward people who save my life.
:'''Ron''': And I like to be rewarded... you hear that, KP? A reward! He-he-he!
:'''Martin Smarty''': How about a job?
:'''Ron''': Maybe we have different thoughts on that word &quot;reward&quot;... 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Frugal Lucre''': ''[to Drakken]'' Oh! Oh! Or we could put state-of-the-art robotic technology in kiddie meals all over the world! Can you hear me okay through that pillow?

==='''[[w:Trading Faces (Kim Possible)|Episode 3.Trading Faces]]'''===

:'''Jim &amp; Tim''': ''[first lines in the season; dressed in radiation suits]'' You didn't open the dryer, did you? Our experiment... you ruined it!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Tim''': ''[as Mrs. Possible goes to pick up the cheerleader outfit]'' I wouldn't do that.
:'''Jim''': ''[holds up a pair of tongs]'' Not without these!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Jim &amp; Tim''': Which way to homeroom?
:'''Kim''': Homeroom? What do you mean, homeroom?
:'''Tim''': That room you go to before you go to your other classes?
:'''Jim''': You'd think a senior would know the basics? 
:''[Tim nods in agreement]''
:'''Ron''': Try middle school... about four miles... ''[Points to his left]'' ''That way''.
:'''Jim''': We're not in middle school anymore.
:'''Tim''': We've been skipped ahead!
:'''Jim''': We're freshmen!
:'''Tim''': We're ''here''!
:''[outside, the whole school shakes as Kim...]''
:'''Kim''': ''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Kim''': There is no way ''you two'' are freshmen! ''[breaks conversation to wave at someone]'' Hey Amanda, see you in science. ''[returns]'' It must be a mistake... and I'm going to get to the bottom of it!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Tim''': Miss Guide is our ''S.K.I.P.'' Counselor!
:'''Kim''': And ''S.K.I.P.'' is...?
:'''Miss Guide''': &quot;Superior Knowledge &amp; Intelligence Placement.&quot;  A pilot program. Your brothers tested at high school level, so they're being enrolled as freshmen. I will be observing the transition!
:'''Kim''': So this is really happening?
:'''Miss Guide''': ''[with an exaggerated smile]'' Exciting, isn't it?
:'''Kim''': ''[through an exaggerated happy face]'' Oh, I can't begin to describe my feelings!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Ron''': I get showed up on every mission we go on, you don't hear me whining!
:''[Kim and Monique give him a sideways glance]'' 
:'''Ron''': I could whine more... A lot more! 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Barkin''': Listen up, cafeterians.  In compliance with district guidelines, we have been ordered to divulge to you the contents of mystery meat.
:''[film reel begins playing]''
:'''Film announcer''': Mystery Meat: from the slaughterhouse to your house...
:''[scene cuts to all the students running out of the school screaming]''
:'''Ron''': I ''knew'' there were snouts!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Camille''': There are plenty of suspects: One, Star Lette: her last three movies tanked. Two, The Holston Twins: they fell to number 3 on the &quot;World's Richest Kids&quot; list. Three, M.C. Honey: things must be bad, I hear she flew commercial.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Jim''': Thanks for the ride, Mr. Sinclair.
:'''Sinclair''': It's the least I could do after you tutored my Kenny with calculus.
:'''Tim''': Derivates of inverse functions, so not the drama.
:'''Kim''': Huh?! Can you ''not''?
:'''Tim''': You can use &quot;hicka bicka boo&quot;!
:'''Kim''': Why would I?
:'''Jim''': So you could be cool.
:'''Kim''': ''I am cool!'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kim''': [about Jim &amp; Tim] They're old enough to be in high school but not old enough to stay home by themselves?
:'''Mr. Possible''': Not without vaporizing the garage. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Kim''': I'm sorry you must be ''this'' ''[holds her hand high above their heads]'' tall to ride.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Kim''': ''[repeated line]'' Height limit.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Tim/Jim''': And then when we were on a trip to Yosemite...
:'''Kim''': ''[gasps]'' No... not the poison oak story!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Camille''': It's so hard to be me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Kim''': Oh, Ron. I'm not a model.
:'''Ron''': Why not? You're beautiful.
:''(Kim is left speechless, then looks at him and smiles)''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Ron''': She's not in wardrobe. Hey look, I'm already here.
:'''Kim''': Two Rons... but only one ''(calls out)'' Rufus!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''M.C. Honey''': Say what?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Camille''': But I can't be seen buying socks! Eww! Socks are gross. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Britina''': Camille?
:'''Camille''': Brit, I came as soon as I heard.
:'''Britina''': But I called you three days ago.
:'''Camille''': Silly, my callback list was epic this week. It's so hard to be me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Britina''': These are BFF's from way back, Kim Possible and... ''(turns to Ron)'' this guy, who's usually with her. 
:'''Camille''': Kim Possible! I wore your look once - for about five minutes.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Jim''' I'll be the bad cop.
:'''Tim''' No way... I'm playing bad cop.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Bofox''' ''(First lines)'' Are you me 3:30 tummy tuck?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Jim''': This guy's all talk.
:'''Tim''': Radical techniques... as if.
:'''Bofox''': Oh really... Nano-Morphing radical enough for you?
:'''Jim &amp; Tim''': Nano-Morphing? [[w:Shapeshifting|Shapeshifting]]!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Kim''': M.C. Honey?
:'''Jim &amp; Tim''': It's not M.C. Honey, Kim... it's Camille... she's a plastic surgery experiment. She's a shapeshifter!
:''[&quot;Honey&quot; shape-shifts into Camille. Kim and the whole audience gasp.]''
:'''Camille''': Oh, like ''you're'' a model!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Ron''': ''(attempting to stop Camille, disguised as him)'' I got me.
:''(Ron fumbles into a clothing rack)''
:'''Ron''': You know, I'm surprisingly nimble for an heiress.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Camille''': ''(as she is being arrested)'' Do you know who I am?
:'''Ron''': Lady, the real question is, do ''you'' know who you are?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Jim &amp; Tim''': Hick-a-bick-a-boo?
:'''Kim''': Hoo sha! 
:''[she hugs them]''
:'''Miss Guide''': ''[confused]'' How do you spell Hoo sha?

==='''[[w:The Cupid Effect (Kim Possible)|Episode 4.The Cupid Effect]]'''===

:'''Wade''': Shouldn't I just be myself?
:'''Ron''': No, that only works in cartoons. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Wade''': Apparently impersonating a President is against mall regulations! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Junior''': We should steal the device and use it for our own evil ends!
:'''Senior''': Junior, you came up with that evil plan all on your own! I am... so proud.
:'''Junior''': ''[giggling]'' I was looking over your shoulder, he-he-he!
:'''Senior''': Junior, that was cheating! I am... so proud.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Senior''': Your genius cannot beat my evil or my treachery. Oh, by the way, have you met my bodyguards, Evil and Treachery? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Wade reads a love note for Monique that Ron gave him]''
:'''Wade''': The humble earthworm is vital to agriculture, it moves through the soil by excreting lubricating mucus.
:'''Kim and Monique''': Eww!
:'''Ron''': Wait! That's my biology report! Oh no! That means...
:''[Cut to Mr. Barkin grading Ron's &quot;biology report&quot;]''
:'''Barkin''': ''[sniffs]'' Aw, that's a beautiful thought. A-plus, Stoppable! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kim''': Wade? What are you doing in France?
:'''Wade''': Uh, I'm here to fix the internet? It's broken.
:'''Monique''': Isn't the internet everywhere?
:'''Ron''': Not when it breaks into pieces!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%/&gt;
:''[Seeing Wade's new girlfriend, Olivia, use a &quot;Cupid Ray&quot; on him.]''
:'''Ron''': Er, you don't think Kim's got one of those?
:'''Rufus''': I dunno.
:'''Kim''': ''[from behind]'': Hey, Ron.
:''[Ron and Rufus scream and cower]''
:'''Kim''': What are you doing?
:'''Ron''': Nothing!
:'''Kim''': You're weird!
:'''Ron''': Kim!
:'''Kim''': Shh, ''[romantically]'' I like weird!

==='''[[w:Car Alarm (Kim Possible)|Episode 5.Car Alarm]]'''===

:'''Kim''': Oh, no. I'm not gonna be the tweebs' taxi driver, I'll walk first. Bye-bye!  
:'''Mrs. Possible''': I'll give you five dollars!
:'''Kim''': Not listening.
:'''Mrs. Possible''': Ten!
:'''Kim''': Walking away...
:'''Mrs. Possible''': Twenty, firm!
:'''Kim''': Tough love, mom, tough love!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Drakken''': ''[about Frugal Lucre]'' All the prisons in the world, and I got stuck with the blabber-mouth!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Drakken''': ''[after seeing Motor Ed]'' I knew I could count on family. Freedom is at hand! No more lockdown, no more prison food, and no more yakkity-blab from you, Lucre.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Shego''': I got an early parole. Only here to say &quot;hi.&quot; 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Frugal Lucre''': Listen, if it's any consolation on the whole &quot;counting on family&quot; front, I'm still waiting for my mother to post ''my'' bail! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kim''': Motor Ed and Shego? Why would they be working together?
:'''Ron''': Well, I mean weirder things have happened. Just look at us!
:'''Kim''': True, but there's a major diff between &quot;weird&quot; and &quot;wrong on all levels.&quot; 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Jim/Tim''': ''[to Kim]'' We can get your car running!
:'''Ron''': Hmmm, ya know, they did build a spacecraft out of a lawn mower, a toaster, and well ya know, rocket parts, but still it worked, kind of! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kim''': Boys. They're ALL tweebs! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kim is walking, when Ron and the tweebs arrive in her car. She enters, with an annoyed face]''
:'''Kim''': No mocking the hair!
:'''Ron''': Are you kidding? I know the basic boyfriend rules, Kim. Your new haircut is fabulous and those slacks are very flattering.
:'''Kim''': Thanks for the sensitivity.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kim''': Okay, here's the deal. I may have to drive you to school, but that doesn't mean I have to be seen with you.  So duck, or walk.
:'''Jim/Tim''': Aww...
:'''Kim''': NOW!
:''[Jim and Tim duck their heads. Kim starts the car, but sees the passenger seat empty.]''
:'''Kim''': Ron, not you! ''[Ron pops up.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Having been humiliated in front of Bonnie.]''
:'''Kim''': The only ride you're going to need will be to the hospital...!
:'''Wade''':''' ''(interrupting her)'' Kim!
:'''Jim''': Whew! Saved by the Wade.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ron''': It's as fast as a rocket!
:'''Tim''': Hicka-Bicka-''DUHH!'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Tim''': Nobody blows our doors off.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Shego''': Great, Kimmie gets a car and she's everywhere... like bacteria.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ron''': ''[attacked by crows... yet again]'' Not now, this is just so random!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Motor Ed''': Shotgun babe doesn't get to criticize the dude or his dice, seriously
:'''Shego''': ''Shotgun Babe''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Motor Ed reveals his &quot;awesome&quot; plan: a cross-country road trip in a hyper-sonic vehicle with &quot;a hot babe.&quot;]''
:'''Shego''': Wait, you mean I'm here because I'm an &lt;u&gt;ornament&lt;/u&gt;?!
:'''Motor Ed''': Not! The fuzzy dice are an ornament. You... are an &lt;u&gt;accessory&lt;/u&gt;.

==='''[[w:Mad Dogs &amp; Aliens (Kim Possible)|Episode 6.Mad Dogs &amp; Aliens]]'''===

:'''Ron''': Shego has credit cards?
:'''Wade''': And a surprisingly good credit score for a villain. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Jim &amp; Tim''': Hicka Bicka bow wow!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Drakken''': You can't possibly be all that, Kim Possible! You're not, you're not, you're not!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Frugal Lucre''': So anyway, I was in line behind Big Tony, you know with the glandular problem, and he takes two puddings, two!  And the guards didn't even bust him for it. I tell you, the money this prison wastes, its criminal!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Shego''': There's no way I'm gonna let this she-thing just waltz in here and destroy Kimmie! That's MY job! Ya hear me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Shego''': I’m on vacation! And I’m trying to relax! (''to masseur'') Toss ’em another one. Go ahead.
:'''Ron''': He-ey! He threw another rock at us! (''pokes it'') OW! A ''hot'' rock! He threw a hot rock at us!
:'''Shego''': (''as Kim battles masseur'') This ''is'' relaxing.
:'''Kim''': Vacation’s over, Shego.
:'''Shego''': (''standing up'') That’ll be all, Midas. (''to Kim'') Do you know how hard it is to get an appointment with him?
:'''Kim''': Maybe you should’ve thought of that before you sprung Drakken.
:'''Shego''': Who do you think I’m vacationing ''from''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Shego''': (''parting'') OK, I’ve got a salt blow in five, so listen to my words. (''throwing coals as punctuation'') I’m not helping Drakken! And I don’t know who is! Me... ''va-ca-tion''.
:'''Ron''': But – 
:'''Shego''': ''VACATION!'' (''throws water onto coals, disappears in steam'')
:'''Random Old Guy''': Well, I’m convinced.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Motor Ed''': ''[after a VERY long description of his latest ride, followed by an air-guitar solo]'' Know what I'm saying?
:'''Frugal Lucre''': NO! I have no idea what you're saying! You just go on and on and on and on about things no one even cares about! 
:'''Motor Ed''': Dude, you're harshing my prison mellow here, seriously.
:'''Frugal Lucre''': And would you stop saying that word?!  Seriously!

==='''[[w:Grande Size Me (Kim Possible)|Episode 7.Grande Size Me]]'''===

:''[Barkin berates the unhealthy-ness of Bueno Nacho]''
:'''Ron''': LIES!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kim''': Whoop! Whoop! Over-reaction alert! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ron''': It's your worst nightmare!
:'''Barkin''': You mean the one with Abe Lincoln and the pool sharks? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Jack Hench''': That's the downside with working with villians, they are always stealing your stuff! Oh, that reminds me, has anyone seen my stapler? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ron''': ''[out of breath]'' K... P! Okay... who wants a piece... of me?
:'''Drakken''': Ooh, something is different about him...
:'''Killigan''': Gawd, what have you done to yerself?  You look ghastly, man!
:'''Monkey Fist''': You really should take better care of yourself! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Drakken''': Kim Possible, you have something that doesn't belong to you.  Well, technically, it doesn't belong to me either, but I'm a villain, so I don't particularly care! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ned''': Ron, this isn't like you!
:''[Mutated Ron drinks a whole vat of nacho cheese.]''
:'''Ned''': OK, that's like you. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kim''': Wade, we have a major Ron problem, here!
:'''Wade''': You mean the fact that he's been turned into a fifteen foot tall rampaging behemoth?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mutated Ron''': ''[On seeing a giant metal donut]'' Ahh, donut... Ron want! ''[bites it]'' Ow! Ow! Donut hurt Ron! Ron smash!! ''[The metal donut detaches from the stand and rolls down a hill]'' Oh, no... donut run away... come back, donut!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mutated Ron''': ''[On seeing a giant clown statue]'' Ron hate clowns! 
:''[from behind it Kim shoots a roast chicken at him] 
:'''Mutated Ron''': Clown throw chicken? Ron smash!!

==='''[[w:Clothes-Minded (Kim Possible)|Episode 8.Clothes Minded]]'''===
:'''Kim''': Whatever you've stolen, give it back!
:'''Shego''': We haven't stolen a darn thing.
:'''Drakken''': ''(appears)'' I've stolen the darn thing, Shego! Let's go!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Kim:''' I stick with what works.
:'''Shego:''' Yeah. Season after season after season.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': Ow! Ow! The hot, steamy badness!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While Kim is fighting Shego, Drakken's machine works]''
:'''Kim''': It actually works!
:'''Shego''': Hey I'm just as shocked as you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': You'll never get away with this, Drakken!
:'''Drakken''': What?! Why?! What do you know?
:'''Ron''': Oh... oh, nothing. It just seemed like the thing to say.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drakken''': ''[standing by the door, raising a baseball bat to strike; through a clenched jaw]'' Where is that Kim Possible?! My arms and jaw are killing me!
:'''Shego''': Don't you hate it when heroes show up late? It's just so rude.
:'''Ron''': I told you! I came alone. KP doesn't know I'm here.
:'''Drakken''': You know what, I'm beginning to think he came alone and that Kim Possible doesn't know he's here.
:'''Ron''': Yeah, okay, never went to college, did he?
:'''Shego''': Reject!
:'''Drakken''': Dropout, Shego! For the last time, they let me in, I just... ''[grunts]'' Without Kim possible, there's no one to stop me from launching my greatest invention.
:'''Shego''': We know, the intercontinental dooey-ma-jigy.
:'''Drakken''': Intercontinental electro-magnetiziser, Shego!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drakken''': You think your new mission clothes are all that, but they're not!

==='''[[w:Big Bother (Kim Possible)|Episode 9.Big Bother]]'''===
:'''Kim''': What's the sitch, Wade?
:'''Wade''': Got a hit on the site from the Yamanouchi School in Japan.
:'''Ron''': Yamanouchi... Yori?
:'''Wade''': Yeah, she said she needs Stoppable-san right away!
:'''Ron''': ''(seeing Kim's expression)'' Wade, you'd better fill in some blanks, pronto!
:'''Wade''': ...To help her! Both of you! Including Kim! Who she asked about... fondly!
:'''Ron''': ''(whistles)'' Nice save.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Barkin''': ''[sees Ron at his front door]'' Stoppable, how many times do I have to say it? Home time is my time. Doubly so at BATH TIME!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[repeated line]''
:'''Mr. Barkin/Monkey Fist''': I don't know what that means.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ron''': Nobody spits up into my backpack except Rufus...!  And sometimes me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Monkey Fist''': What kind of hero brings a baby on a mission?
:'''Ron''': A baby, &lt;u&gt;and&lt;/u&gt; a bag of flour!
:'''Monkey Fist''': Ah, yes. That explains everything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Ron turns in his assignment for Health Class, returning his &quot;Flour Baby&quot; after replacing it thirty-plus times.]''
:'''Barkin''': F-minus.
:'''Ron''': What?! But... but she's in perfect shape!
:'''Barkin''': She's ''sugar''!
:''[The entire class laughs.]''

==='''[[w:Fashion Victim (Kim Possible)|Episode 10.Fashion Victim]]'''===

:'''Ron''': Well, I wasn't the one talking into a chicken... ya know, this time.

==='''[[w:Odds Man In (Kim Possible)|Episode 11.Odds Man In]]'''===

:'''Drakken''': ''[referring to the cupacke company's name ]'' HANK'S?!?!
:'''Hank Perkins''': Yes, we focus-tested &quot;Dr. D's&quot;, but everyone associated it with [[Kim Possible#Rappin' Drakken|shampoo for some reason]].
:'''Drakken''': Hmm...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': So... uh... KP, I was wondering... what are you doing Saturday night? Woe!
:'''Kim''': I'm guessing Bueno Nacho, movie, 3 hours of you trying to win a stuffed frog from the claw machine at the Middleton Mall. DROP! ''[drops from the vine into the driver's seat in the jeep]''
:'''Ron''': Wait are you saying... ''[drops from the vine and lands in the seat next to Kim in the jeep]''... that our night has hit a-
:'''Kim''': ''[as she drives over a rut]'' It could use some shaking up. RUN!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': I'm telling you, Kim. Actuarilly speaking, you should've been toast in tenth grade.
:'''Kim''': Yet, here I am.
:'''Ron''': Oh, would moving over a lane? We're 8 percent less likely to get into a bone-mangling accident.
:'''Kim''': And you are fifty percent more likely not to tick off your girlfriend, if you are hundred percent less annoying.
:'''Ron''': Well, that doesn't make any sense. Where did you get your numbers? ''[Kim grunts]'' Look, KP. I just wanna keep you safe. Because if you got hurt... It's too big a loss to compute.
:'''Kim''': ''[so happy she's close to tears]'' That's the most weirdly romantic thing you've ever said to me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Stoppable''': Ronald? I should have told you what you learn when you spend your whole life calculating hazards.
:'''Ron''': What?
:'''Mr. Stoppable''': Some things are worth the risk.

==='''[[w:Stop Team Go (Kim Possible)|Episode 12.Stop Team Go]]'''===

:'''Mr. Possible''': Jim, Tim, scoot over and make some room for your sister's arch foe.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Shego''': Mmmmmm! That's good cocoa-moo! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Electronique''': How did the four of you ever manage to get anything done?
:'''Hego/Mego/Wego''': Shego.
:'''Hego''': She had a way of keeping things focused. When she left, the team sort of... fell apart.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Hego''': ''[notices Ron was hit by personality reverser]'' What happened to him?
:'''Shego''': I think he's evil now.
:'''Hego''': Oh. How bad can that be?
:'''Shego''': [[Kim Possible#Bad Boy|You'd be... surprised.]]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Evil Ron''': ''[to Electronique]'' You're going about this all wrong; You're acting like an evil poser!
:'''Electronique''': You want to see my power?!
:''[charges up and fires multiple times. Ron avoids beams and steals personality reverser]''
:'''Evil Ron''': Ooooohhh, someone's a little touchy! You couldn't even figure out that the first person you should have used this on... ''[aims personality reverser]'' ...was Kim Possible!

==='''[[w:Cap'n Drakken (Kim Possible)|Episode 13.Cap'n Drakken]]'''===

:'''Kim''': Are you going to complain the entire time, Bonnie?
:'''Bonnie''': Somebody has to! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Franklin Barkin''': Dost thou take me for a cock's comb, lad?
:'''Ron''': Uh, I'm... not... sure?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ron''': Oooh no, I'm not gonna be caught wearing a dress... you know, again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Franklin Barkin''':  I wear many hats... some of which are bonnets...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Drakken''': You think you're all that lass, but nay, 'tis not so!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Drakken''': To the escape craft! ''(pirate voice)'' And save my booty!
:'''Shego''': If I had a doubloon for every time I've done that...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Franklin Barkin''': ''(to Monique and Bonnie)'' All hands aboard!
:'''Bonnie''': He's not talking to us is he?
:''(cut to Bonnie and Monique on the deck of Barkin's ship)''
:'''Monique''': Yeah, I think he was talking to us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''(Kim, her friends, Franklin Barkin and Bonnie defeat Drakken)''
:'''Kim''': I sense a change in the wind.
:'''Franklin Barkin''': Booyah! ''(everyone looks at him weird)'' Ye know what I mean.

==='''[[w:Mathter and Fervent (Kim Possible)|Episode 14.Mathter and Fervent]]'''===

:''[Ron has to find a &quot;hero&quot; to write about, and has to rule out Kim, or her parents.]''
:'''Kim''': You know, I'm not the only one of us with parents.
:'''Ron''': Mom swore off school projects after the paper-machete incident.
:'''Kim''': Don't you mean, &quot;paper mache&quot;?
:'''Ron''': I wish I did, Kim. I wish I did.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[In the Go Tower, Hego receives an emergency call from the Mayor.]''
:'''Mayor''': ''(lisping)'' Lookth like we've got uth a sithuation, Hego! Your old numerical nemethith ith thcaring the thpit out of the thitithens of Go Thity!
:'''Hego''': You don't mean...?
:'''Mayor''': Yeth, Hego... the Mathter!
:'''Ron''': The Mathter?
:'''Kim''': Ron, don't make fun! He means &quot;The Master.&quot;
:'''Hego''': No, he means &quot;The Mathter.&quot;
:'''Mayor''': That's what I thaid, ithn't it? The Mathter!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''The Mathter''': Time to subtract you from this equation.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''The Mathter''': Let me ''throw'' some numbers at you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Wade''': Uh-oh!
:'''Ron''': &quot;Uh-oh&quot; good or &quot;uh-oh&quot; bad?
:'''Kim''': When is &quot;uh-oh&quot; ever good?
:'''Ron''': I don't know, maybe THIS TIME? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Ron has to go to school inside an &quot;anti-matter&quot; ball.]''
:'''Ron''': Oh, yeah! This is how I roll!
:'''Kim''': Um, okay, maybe the whole trying-to-act-cool thing isn't your best option right now.
:'''Ron''': Look, KP, you wanted me to make the best of things, didn't you?
:''[They both freeze when they catch sight of Bonnie. She walks up to them.]''
:'''Bonnie''': ...No.  It's too easy. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[after spending a day at school as &quot;Anti-Matter Boy&quot;]''
:'''Ron''': Most Humiliating Day of my Life? A-ding-ding-ding! We have a new winner!
:'''Kim''': What about the time you parachuted into the U.N. without your pants?
:'''Ron''': Not even close.  The &quot;I'm all about comfort&quot; excuse brought the Security Council dress code into the 21st century.
:'''Kim''': See? There's an upside to everything. ''[Kimmunicator beeps]'' We need an upside, Wade!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Kim''': Time to crunch your numbers.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Kim''': ''[to the Mathter]'' Okay, one more lame-o math reference, and I am going to LOSE IT! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''The Mathter''': And what kind of hero are you?
:'''Mr. Stoppable''': I'm no hero. I'm Actuary of the Year.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Kim''': ''[seeing the math fight between Mr. Stoppable and The Mathter]'' Okay, did you have any idea your father had it in him?
:'''Ron''': No, but who knew we'd be fighting a crazed math villain?
:'''Kim''': Yep, so convenient.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:''[watching the battle between the Mathter and Mr. Stoppable]''
:'''Ron''': See? They should totally teach this way in Trig!
:'''Kim''': Totally.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''The Mathter''': ''[defeated by Mr. Stoppable]'' How were you ever able to calculate my every move?
:'''Mr. Stoppable''': It was easy.  I did the math.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:''[When he is freed from the anti-matter ball, Ron and Kim hug.]''
:'''Ron''': Oh yeah, that's nice.
:'''Kim''': I was starting to think I was never going to do that again.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:''[Last lines]''
:'''Mr. Barkin''': Interesting report you turned in there, Stoppable.  Your dad, a.k.a &quot;Hero&quot;, is a member of the Middleton Search and Rescue?
:'''Ron''': Yep.
:'''Mr Barkin''': He also volunteers at the local fire department!
:'''Ron''': Affirmative.
:'''Mr Barkin''': And while in the confines of a certain &quot;infinity dome&quot; he can convert pure mathematical thought into blasts of energy that ''fire out of his skull?!''
:'''Ron''': ''[Nervously]'' Yeah, it's an actuary thing.
:'''Mr. Barkin''': I see... YOUR DAD ROCKS! A+!

==='''[[w:Mentor of our Discontent (Kim Possible)|Episode 15.Mentor of our Disconter]]'''===

:'''Artie Smarty''': ''[first lines]'' What up, Punk Breath?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Ron''': Artie my main man, well I'm Ron.
:'''Artie Smarty''': ''[childishly imitating him]'' I'm Ron.
:'''Ron''': Er, yeah, that's what I said.
:'''Artie Smarty''': ''[Now spitefully]'' Er, yeah, that's what I said.
:'''Ron &amp; Artie''': ''[in stereo]'' Hey, stop that.
:'''Ron &amp; Artie''': ''[in stereo]'' Stop saying what I'm saying.
:'''Ron''': KP! He can't...''[Artie takes off]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Artie Smarty''': ''[on seeing Rufus]'' Hey, little naked dude. ''[waves to him]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Artie Smarty''': Too bad... So sad. ''[pretends to cry]'' Wah... Wah... Wah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Artie Smarty''': ''[Overjoyed on seeing baby Otters]'' OTTERS! 
:''[goes to hug them but contains himself]'' 
:'''Artie Smarty''': Er... cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Ron''': I'm not cut out to help people make life choices.
:'''Kim''': Oh, I wouldn't be so sure. After all, you helped me choose you!
:'''Ron''': Okay, that time I was a genius.
:'''Rufus''': Yuck!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Martin Smarty''': Oh, look at him. He's more rebel than boy, now. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Shego''': So, Frugal Lucre really bugs you?
:'''Drakken''': To the max! Now hide! ''[whispering]'' Maybe if we stay hidden he will leave...
:'''Lucre''': ''[whispering]'' Who will leave?
:'''Drakken''': Frugal- WAAH! How did you get here?! ''[looks at Shego]''
:'''Shego''': Meh, figured I'd let him in. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Ron''': Hermit crabs! They're just hard-shelled ungratefulness! 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Shego''': ''[to Frugal Lucre]'' You know what else he likes? Questions.
:'''Frugal Lucre''': Oh, I've got lots of those!
:'''Shego''': And he likes getting tapped on the shoulder... er, and you know how he likes getting blown on to get his attention?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:''[Last Lines]''
:'''Shego''': So tell me again, how much are you worth?
:'''Martin Smarty''': Billions!
:'''Shego''': That's a mad grip. I could get used to this. How much real estate?
:'''Martin Smarty''': Including tropical islands?
:'''Shego''': I am so retired right now.
:''[Artie enters.]''
:'''Artie Smarty''': Hi, Dad. Hi, New Mom. 
:'''Shego''': ''[gets up]'' I am &lt;u&gt;so&lt;/u&gt; out of here.

==='''[[w:Oh No! Yono! (Kim Possible)|Episode 16. Oh No! Yono!]]'''===

:'''Hana Stoppable''': ''[Repeated words]'' '''Page'''/'''Brother'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ron''': I see, yes, yes, interesting. Well, if I had known I was supposed to be teaching her ninja skills, I would have, like, oh I don't know, TAUGHT HER SOME NINJA SKILLS!!! AAGGHH!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Monkey Fist''': ''[to monkey with camera]'' Oh, that last mission was a failure! I told you scrapbooking the incident wouldn't make me feel better!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Yono the Destroyer''': I AM YONO!
:'''Monkey Fist''': The Destroyer? Really?
:'''Yono''': ''(crosses his arms)'' Word.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Monkey Fist''': So, you claim to be the great Destroyer?
:'''Yono''': What part of &quot;YONO THE DESTROYER!&quot; confuses you?
:'''Monkey Fist''': The short part. ''(gestures for his monkey ninjas to attack)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''(after Yono defeats his ninjas, Monkey Fist confronts him)''
:'''Monkey Fist''': Ah, ah, ah! This time, without the cheap light show.
:'''Yono''': So it shall be. No flash... just crash!

==='''[[w:Clean Slate (Kim Possible)|Episode 17.Clean Slate]]'''===
:'''Shego''': So, Kimmie's forgotten ''everything''? Like, how to fight crime? ''[grins evilly]'' I'd say it's a good day. 
:'''Drakken''': So long, Kim Possible! You used to think you were all that, but you don't remember the 'all that-ness' that you used to think... that you were then... but not now...
:'''Shego''': ...Y-yeah, just stop. ''[drags Drakken away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ron''': Morning Mr. Dr. P, Mrs. Dr. P. So any progress?
:'''Mrs. Possible''': Good news! Most of Kim's basic memory has been restored. 
:'''Mr. Possible''': But there was little mix up with the dish washer and bathtub this morning.
:'''Mrs. Possible''': Worked out fine. Kimmie and the dishes all got clean.
:'''Ron''': Uh... but what about-
:'''Mr. Possible''': Don't worry. The forks and knives were in the face-down position.
:'''Kim''': Hi Rob!
:'''Ron''': Ron.
:'''Kim''': Ugh! Right! Right! ''[Hits herself on the head]''
:'''Ron''': It's O.K., it's O.K. It'll come back. So you know who I am?
:'''Kim''': Of course I do. You're my best friend. 
:'''Kim''': Are you hitting on me?
:'''Ron''': Uh, Kim, we are dating. I'm your boyfriend. We do everything together.
:'''Ron''': ''[happy and relieved]'' Yes! O.K. we are back on track. Ugh, talk about a relief.
:'''Mrs. Possible''': Oh Ron, one thing-
:'''Ron''': ''[pushing Kim towards his motor bike]'' No, not to worry, I'll have KP back in time for dinner. After school, I'll give her a refresher around Middleton. It'll be like a second first date. ''[nudges Kim]'' 
:'''Kim''': Are you hitting on me?
:'''Ron''': Uh, Kim, we are dating. I'm your boyfriend. We do everything together.
:'''Kim''': You? Boyfriend? ''[snickers, then]'' Oh... wait   you're serious?
:'''Ron''': Oh-ho, that wasn't painful at all. ''[snaps his fingers and Rufus gives Ron the bouquet of flowers Ron bought for Kim]'' Serious, see no see what I just did there ''[presents Kim with the flowers]'' It's boyfriend stuff. So, do you remember now?
:'''Kim''': No, but thanks for the salad. ''[ thinking the bouquet is a salad, Kim eats it]''
:'''Ron''': But, no. See those... huh. O.K. well, technically it's in the salad family. ''[sighs disappointingly]'' Come on. 
:'''Kim''': Bye Mom, bye Dad. Rockets are Go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kim''': Good plan, but that's not why I gave you the belt. ''[Gasps, remembers all the times Ron lost his pants]'' 
:'''Kim''': I remember, I remember! I gave you the belt for our half-i-versary. 
:'''Ron''': Yeah, I still don't get what exactly that is.
:'''Kim''': Ron, I remember that you're my boyfriend and that I think I love you.
:'''Ron''': For real?
:'''Kim''': For real. ''[she hugs him]''
:'''Ron''': Now, THIS is a memory.
:''[Rufus fawns happily over them]''

==='''[[w:Homecoming Upset (Kim Possible)|Episode 18.Homecoming Upset]]'''===

:'''Monique''': Back off, Bonnie! In case you didn't notice, now &lt;u&gt;Kim&lt;/u&gt; is the one dating the star of the football team.
:'''Kim''': That's not important to me, Monique... although Ron has broken more school records than Brick ever did.
:'''Bonnie''': ''[sulking]'' Brick... if he had just flunked senior year one more time, he'd be here to rule at my side.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Kim catches Bonnie kissing Ron.]''
:'''Kim''': WHAT-IS-THE-SITCH?!
:'''Ron''': Hey, I was the kissee here, not the kisser!
:'''Kim''': No kidding! It took you twelve stinkin' years to kiss me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Bonnie''': ''(crying and wailing)''
:'''Ron''': Um, I don't speak hysteric.
:'''Bonnie''': ''(continues crying and wailing)''
:'''Kim''': Brick broke up with you?
:'''Ron''': How do you know what she's saying?
:'''Kim''': It's a girl thing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Bonnie''': I don't do pathetic!
:'''Ron''': ''(under his breath)'' Well, you could have fooled me...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ron''': Uh, Bonnie? This is the part of sneaking in that we like to call &quot;quiet time.&quot;

==='''[[w:Chasing Rufus (Kim Possible)|Episode 19A.Chasing Rufus]]'''===
:''(after opening the pet carrier and finding Debutante instead of Rufus)''
:'''Ron''': Oh, this is bad.
:'''Kim''': Not entirely. I think Camille will be much easier to track down now.
:'''Ron''': How can you tell?
:''(In the distance, Camille shrieks at finding Rufus in her pet carrier)''
:'''Ron''': Ten miles away?
:'''Kim''': Twelve, tops.

==='''[[w:Nursery Crimes (Kim Possible)|Episode 19B.Nursery Crimes]]'''===

:'''Kim''': Hurry Ron, &quot;baby&quot; and &quot;missing&quot; are a bad combination.
:'''Ron''': Right with ya, KP.
:'''Kim''': Wade, need a DNA scan of the baby’s hair… then an ultraviolet sweep of the nursery. Ron?
:'''Ron''': Look, I spelled Rufus.
:'''Mother''': Kim Possible, thank goodness you’re here.
:'''Kim''': We came as soon as we heard your baby was… right there in your arms?
:'''Father''': It’s not our baby that’s missing.
:'''Mother''': No, it’s her… her…
:'''Father''': Paccie.
:'''Kim''': You called us for a missing pacifier?
:'''Ron''': Can’t you just buy a new one?
:'''Kim''': What up, Wade?
:'''Wade''': Something seriously weird.
:'''Kim''': Let me guess, a worldwide wave of stolen pacifiers?
:'''Wade''': Yeah! How did you know?
:'''Kim''': Just a hunch.
:'''Mother''': Whoever did this…? I said whoever did this left a note.
:'''Ron: O-oh look, ransom is spelled out “little booties”. O-oh, that’s adorable, and- ''(sneezes)'' Dusty.
:'''Kim''': Not dust, baby powder.
:'''Wade''': Scan complete, Kim, and we’re looking at rare baby talc, manufactured in the tiny English village of Sheershimsheer. Well, it used to be.
:'''Kim''': Not anymore?
:'''Wade''': The baby powder factory has been closed for years.
:'''Ron''': Uh, sounds dead-endish.
:'''Wade''': Maybe not, look at this. Sheershimsheer is also the home of a nanny-training academy. Oh wait, also closed.
:'''Ron''': That’s double dead-endish.
:'''Rufus''': Yeah.
:'''Kim''': It’s the only lead we got, better check it out.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(at the factory)''
:'''Ron''': Okay, the creepy factor’s in serious over &quot;freak&quot; here.
:'''Rufus''': O-o-o-oh.
:'''Kim''': It’s just an old house, it’s not haunted.
:'''Ron''': AAH! It’s a zombie!
:'''Old Lady''': May I help you?
:'''Kim''': ''(To Ron)'' Not a Zombie… ''(To Old Lady)'' Hi, we’re looking for Nanny Maim.
:'''Old Lady''': I am she.
:'''Kim''': I’m Kim Possible, and this is Ron Stoppable.
:'''Ron''': Hey.
:'''Nanny Maim''': Hay is for horses, young man, and do stand up straight. Your posture is atrocious.
:'''Ron''': Yes, Ma’am.
:'''Kim''': We were hoping to find out about your nanny academy.
:'''Nanny Maim''': Deary, there hasn’t been an academy here for years. No one needs nannies anymore. At least, not nannies who know how to handle unruly children.
:'''Kim''': It’s just that we have some questions about the baby powder that used to be manufactured here.
:'''Nanny Maim''': Ohh, perhaps I can help you with that.
:'''Kim''': Really?
:'''Nanny Maim''': Yes. I would suggest you take your questions and… go elsewhere.
:'''Kim and Ron''': Huh?
:'''Kim''': Let’s see if the other locals are friendlier.
:'''Ron''': Uh, I’d settle for &quot;not as bone chillingly eerie.&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bartender''': Welcome to the Cow and Cone. ‘Ave a pint. Would it be a ‘and scoop or soft-served?
:'''Ron''': Well, uh I’m a scoop guy myself, pistachio please.
:'''Rufus''': Me, too.
:'''Bartender''': And ‘ow about you miss, what would you like?
:'''Kim''': Information.
:'''Bartender''': Certainly, ‘appy to ‘elp.
:'''Kim''': It’s about the nanny academy.
:'''Bartender''': Well it was an academy right now. Lovely old place it was.
:'''Kim''': What happened?
:'''Bartender''': ''(sighs)'' Times miss, same as the rest of Sheershimsheer. First the baby powder plant closed, then people stopped hirin’ nannies.
:'''Ron''': And that’s when they went into the zombie business, right?
:'''Rufus''': O-o-oh.
:'''Bartender''': What’s he on about?
:'''Kim''': What about the old woman we spoke to there?
:'''Bartender''': You spoke to… uh, Nanny Maim? Oh, ah... you needn’t worry a tick about her. She’s a lovely woman, that one. Salt of the earth.
:'''Woman''': A heart of gold, she has.
:'''Man''': They don’t make ‘em like her anymore.
:'''Ron''': Why would they want to?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kim''': What are they looking for?
:'''Bartender''': Not babies miss, never babies. We like babies ‘round ‘ere, we do, heh heh... That’s right.
:'''Woman''': Oh yes, we like babies just fine. But not snoopers like you.
:'''Bartender''': Per’aps your order should be for take-away.
:''(outside the parlor)''
:'''Kim''': Things are way weird here.
:'''Ron''': Yeah, pistachio is s’pose to be green.
:'''Kim''': We need to take another look at that academy.
:'''Ron''': Ok, but walk slow, ‘cause... ''(munches)'' once you get past the purple, this is good pistachio.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kim''': Ron, infiltrating, no crunch zone.
:'''Ron''': Right. ''(munches)'' Whoa, there’s chocolate at the bottom, heh-heh...
:'''Kim''': ''(sighs)'' Wade, what have you got?
:'''Wade''': Nothing I can put my finger on. Infrared shows something in there is using a lot of power, but I have no idea what.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': Kim, don’t look. This is possibly the sickest thing I’ve ever seen.
:'''Kim''': Sicker then the time you put Diablo sauce on pancakes?
:'''Ron''': MUCH!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kim''': Ohh, captured by babies. This is a new personal low.
:'''Ron''': You gotta admit they were cute... until they kicked our butts.
:''(one of the babies blows a raspberry at them)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nanny Maim''': Apparently, during your last visit, I did not make myself clear.
:'''Kim''': Oh, it’s very clear. You’re creating an army of super babies, and using them to steal pacifiers.
:'''Ron''': Ok, now see I was thinking that but when you said it out loud, I-it sounded silly.
:'''Kim''': I know.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nanny Maim''': ''(tsking)'' So very naughty, trying to muck up Nanny Maim’s plans like this. ''(sips tea)'' Hmmmm, what to do?
:'''Kim''': You could tell us what this is all about. That’s sort of traditional in situations like this.
:'''Nanny Maim''': Well deary, back in the day I trained the sternest nannies the world has ever seen, but times changed. A stern nanny was no longer the fashion. Fewer and fewer of my graduates were hired. Finally, nanny had to close her lovely academy for good.
:'''Kim''': So, this is about revenge?
:'''Nanny Maim''': Do not interrupt, that is quite rude. Nanny Maim realized you could make more money making children unhappy, then she could making them happy.
:'''Ron''': Hey, what’s more traditional than greed?
:'''Kim''': And the, um, hench-babies?
:'''Nanny Maim''': These little dears? They show just what traditional Nanning and firm discipline can accomplish. Also, feeding full-size henchmen gets a bit pricey.
:'''Ron''': Cheap, that’s traditional too.
:'''Kim''': The good guys getting free while the bad guy explains the plan… also traditional.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ron''': Ron Stoppable is more than a match for any baby! I got a little sis myself, so bring it on...! Waaaaa, blah no, I meant one at a time! AHHHH...!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ron''': Oh, glad that’s over.
:'''Kim''': Um, it’s not quite over. How many times did you go through that machine?
:'''Ron''': Well I lost count, why?(Wearing a diaper) Oh, you know I find the giant diaper a delightful change of pace.

==='''[[w:Larry's Birthday (Kim Possible)|Episode 20.Larry's Birthday]]'''===

==='''[[w:Graduation I (Kim Possible)|Episode 21.Graduation, Part 1]]'''===
:'''Kim''': Okay, future. I'm ready for anything you can throw at me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': After grad you're – you're heading to the stars, and, um...
:'''Kim''': Ron... what?
:'''Ron''': I'm stuck on Earth, but I don't want to hold you back, so whatever happens... I'm okay with it...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kim''': So, payback's the stitch.

==='''[[w:Graduation II (Kim Possible)|Episode 21.Graduation, Part 2]]'''===
: (''Ron is shocked to see Warhok holding an unconscious Kim'')
:'''Sensei''': Summon the Mystical Monkey Power.
:'''Ron''': Sensei?
:'''Warhok''': ''(holding an unconscious Kim)'' Come Warmonga, we will take this one as a trophy. She will look handsome beside your Thorgoggle spine.
:'''Sensei''': ''(appearing behind Ron)'' You are the Monkey Master.
:'''Ron''': I am?
:'''Sensei''': Hm.  This is your destiny. You are ready.
:'''Ron''': I ''am''!  Hey Warhok!
:''(Ron attacks Warhok using his Mystical Monkey Powers.  Warhok is no match for him)''
:'''Sensei''': His Monkey Power is strong.  Boo ya!
:''(While a shocked Kim and Shego watch, Ron beats up Warhok and Warmonga, even levitating at one point before finally throwing them into the air)''
:'''Warmonga''': Frackel!
:''(Warmonga and Warhok crash into their ship which explodes, killing them.  Ron lands in front of a completely speechless Kim and powers down before hugging her.  Drakken arrives and looks around confused)''
:'''Drakken''': Huh?  What happened?  What did I miss.
:'''Shego''': I don't know but I think the sidekick just stepped up... monkey style!
:'''Drakken''': Monkey style?  What's that?
:'''Shego''': You had to be here.
&lt;hr width=&quot;80%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Shego and Warmonga charge each other)''
:'''Warmonga''': For Lorwardia!
:'''Shego''': Forget it!
:''(Shego cuts Warmonga's speeder in half with her powers, sending her down into the vines where she gets tangled)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ron is having a hard time flying due to having Drakken on his back]''
:'''Ron''': The piggyback thing really drags down my coolness.
:'''Drakken''': Well, pardon me. Not all of us have the power of flight.
:'''Ron''': Oh, complain, complain. You know, when life gives you lemons...
:'''Drakken''': I COMPLAIN ABOUT THE LEMONS!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': Dude, you okay?
:'''Shego''': Dr. D...? 
:'''Drakken''': meh... uh... My mind... it's racing... it's uncanny... I see every detail... 
:'''Kim''': Of what? 
:'''Drakken''': My greatest plan ever! 
:'''Ron''': To save the world? 
:''[Pauses]''
:'''Drakken''': Do ''not'' make me say those words!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drakken believes Kim has been vaporized]''
:'''Drakken''': You... were a worthy foe.  You were indeed &quot;all that.&quot;  Farewell... Kim Possible!
:''[Kim appears behind him, tying her graduation sash around her waist]''
:'''Kim''': Hello, Drakken!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Shego''': Okay, Where's Miss Priss?
:''(Ron and Mr. Possible point at the sky.)''
:'''Shego''': Great I was banking on Kimmie to do her save the world thing.
:'''Ron''': Where's Drakken?
:'''Shego''': ''(points to sky, in depressed voice)'' See previous.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:''(Approaching the Lowardian mothership)''
:'''Shego''': All right, we need to figure a way in
:'''Ron''': Easy, Look for the garbage hatch
:'''Shego''': ''(sarcastic)'' Oh yeah, I'm sure they have a garba- ''(sees garbage hatch)'' en!
:'''Ron''': And the first Booyah in space, A-BOOYAH!
:'''Shego''': ''(About to fly through the garbage)'' Hold on ''(Ron grabs her)'' Not to me!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Warmonga''': She is the Blue Imposter's Battle-Mate.
:'''Shego''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! The two teens are a &quot;thing&quot;, but there is nothing going on between me and Doctor D.!
:'''Kim''': Nothing?
:'''Shego''': NOTHING!
:'''Warmonga''': then why were you so threatened by my arrival?
:'''Shego''': Well, I don't know, could it be because you're nine feet tall?
:'''Warhok''': Denial.  It's more than just a river on the planet which we now control.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Ron''': ''(Talking to Kim)'' This whole thing has shown me that I- I can't live without you. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Kim''': I told you Graduation wasn't the end of the world...
:''[Kim &amp; Ron kiss passionately as the car flies off to the moon]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:''[Last lines of the series]''
:'''Dementor''': You must admit, that it is exquisitely amusing.
:'''Drakken''': Okay, Dementor, I'd really rather not talk about it!
:'''Dementor''': But the irony! As a mad scientist you have been a total failure your entire career...
:'''Drakken''': New topic, please!
:'''Dementor''': Okay, okay. Why the blue skin?
:'''Drakken''': Glad you asked! Funny story - not funny &quot;ha-ha.&quot; But! It was a Tuesday...

==Films==
* ''[[Kim Possible: A Sitch in Time]]'' (2003)
* ''[[Kim Possible Movie: So the Drama]]'' (2005)

==External links==
* {{imdb title|tt0278866|Kim Possible}}

{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American high school TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated action TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Disney Channel shows]]
[[Category:Toon Disney shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about teenagers]]
[[Category:Teen animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Television series by Disney Television Animation]]</text>
      <sha1>9tpohf0em03pbm6y4po76i6gi6t4dj0</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Roswell (TV series)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>11253</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147791</id>
      <parentid>3068572</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T21:18:56Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* External links */ r/m Template:Tv.com show</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="62295" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Roswell (TV series)|Roswell]]''''' (1999–2002) is an [[w:United States|American]] [[w:Science fiction|Science fiction]] television series created by [[w:Jason Katims|Jason Katims]]. The series focused on teenage aliens hiding in plain sight as humans in [[w:Roswell, New Mexico|Roswell]]. 
The love story comes into play when [[w:Max Evans (Roswell)|Max Evans]] (an alien) and [[w:Liz Parker|Liz Parker]] (a human) fall in love.
The series pilot was based on the ''[[w:Roswell High|Roswell High]]'' young adult book series, written by [[w:Laura J. Burns|Laura J. Burns]] and [[w:Melinda Metz|Melinda Metz]] and published by [[w:Pocket Books|Pocket Books]].

== Season One ==
=== ''Pilot'' ===
:'''[[w:Liz Parker|Liz]]''': [Voiceover]'' September 23rd. Journal entry one. I'm Liz Parker and five days ago I died. After that, things got really weird.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; &lt;!-- Use this to separate quotes within the same episode. --&gt;
:'''Liz''': So, help me out here, Max. I mean, what are you?
:'''[[w:Max Evans|Max]]''': Well, I'm not from around here.
:'''Liz''': You're not an ... an alien ... are you?
:'''Max''': Well, I prefer the term &quot;not-of-this-earth.&quot; Sorry, it's not a good time to joke.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; &lt;!-- Use this to separate quotes within the same episode. --&gt;
:'''[[w:Michael Guerin|Michael]]''': Roswell's not our home. It's not even our solar system. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; &lt;!-- Use this to separate quotes within the same episode. --&gt;
:'''Liz''': ''[Voiceover]'' I could feel everything he was feeling. I could feel his loneliness. For the first time I was really seeing Max Evans. I saw me as he saw me, and the amazing thing was, in his eyes I was beautiful.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; &lt;!-- Use this to separate quotes within the same episode. --&gt;
:'''Liz''': ''[Voiceover]'' It's September 24th, I'm Liz Parker and five days ago I died. But then the really amazing thing happened. I came to life.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; &lt;!-- Use this to separate quotes within the same episode. --&gt;
:'''Deputy''': What did they look like?
:'''Maria''': Well, one was like a muscular Beavis and the other was like a beefy Butthead.
:'''Deputy''': I assume they weren't actual cartoon characters?

=== ''The Morning After'' ===
:'''[[w:Maria DeLuca|Maria]]''': I mean, what do we even know about these people? Nothing. How do we know that they're not three feet tall, green and slimy?
:'''Liz''': I guess we don't.
:'''Maria''': And you know what else doesn't, like, particularly please me? The powers. How do we know they can't just, like, wiggle their noses and, like, poof us into an oblivion?
:'''Liz''': I guess we don't.
:'''Maria''': Okay, you're being, like, so casual about this. I want to choke you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; &lt;!-- Use this to separate quotes within the same episode. --&gt;
:'''Maria''': The thing is, we don't know anything about these Czechoslovakians. Are they good Czechoslovakians? Are they bad Czechoslovakians? We don't know. They're just random Czechoslovakians. For all we know, they don't have their passport.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; &lt;!-- Use this to separate quotes within the same episode. --&gt;
:'''Michael''': I didn't just wander in. I had a cover story.
:'''Max''': And what was your cover story.
:'''Michael''': I was selling candy for charity. Peanut cluster?
:'''Max''': And they bought it?
:'''Michael''': No, they all seemed to be on a diet.
:'''[[w:Isabel Evans|Isabel]]''': Not the candy, Einstein, the story.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; &lt;!-- Use this to separate quotes within the same episode. --&gt;
:'''Maria''': It's not just kissing that goes on in the eraser room, Liz.
:'''Female Student''': She's got that right.
:'''Maria''': All right, the eraser room does two things; cleans erasers and takes our innocence. Do you know what I mean by &quot;takes our innocence,&quot; Liz? The eraser room has taken some of the best of us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; &lt;!-- Use this to separate quotes within the same episode. --&gt;
:'''Liz''': Sometimes I just wish I could be invisible.
:'''Max''': Sometimes I wish I didn't have to be so invisible.

=== ''Monsters'' ===
:'''Isabel''': The way to deal with [Maria] DeLuca is to make her sweat, keep her on her toes. Make her afraid of my shadow, your shadow, her shadow, Michael's shadow. Right, Michael?
:'''Michael''': Or we could just kill her. ''[pause]'' Kidding.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; &lt;!-- Use this to separate quotes within the same episode. --&gt;
:'''Max''': We're always being so cautious, you know? Always watching behind our backs, never getting too involved. But we're never moving forward either. We're just kinda stuck, Isabel. I'm not sure I want to be stuck any more.

=== ''Leaving Normal'' ===
:'''Liz''': But what if were, like, complicated... like, incredibly, incredibly complicated?
:'''Grandma Claudia''': Well, one thing I can tell you... if it isn't complicated, he probably isn't a soulmate.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; &lt;!-- Use this to separate quotes within the same episode. --&gt;
:'''Liz''': No... Max... he's so not possible. He's just like this whole different...
:'''Maria''': Life form?
:'''Liz''': Type.
:'''Grandma Claudia''': How intriguing. A dangerous man?
:'''Maria''': Spacey man.
:'''Grandma Claudia''': A mystery man.
:'''Liz''': Okay, you two... you're out of control.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; &lt;!-- Use this to separate quotes within the same episode. --&gt;
:'''Michael''': ''[after Max busts open a bathroom stall]'' Gandhi feeling frustrated?
:'''Michael''': Let me guess. You're in love with a girl and she's with another guy?
:'''Max''': You realize you can be really annoying, right?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; &lt;!-- Use this to separate quotes within the same episode. --&gt;
:'''Liz''': Is there anything you can do for my grandmother? You know, &quot;do&quot;?
:'''Max''': Liz, when I saved you, it was because you were shot. There was a bullet in you. Something was happening to you that wasn't supposed to happen. It was before your time. But I can't just heal people. I'm not... God.
:'''Liz''': I know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; &lt;!-- Use this to separate quotes within the same episode. --&gt;
:'''Liz''': ''[Voiceover]'' The tough thing about following your heart is what people forget to mention, that sometimes your heart takes you to places you shouldn't be, places that are as scary as they are exciting and as dangerous as they are alluring, and sometimes your heart takes you to places that can never lead to a happy ending. And that's not even the difficult part. The difficult part is when you follow your heart, you leave normal, you go into the unknown. And once you do, you can never go back.

=== ''Missing'' ===
:'''Liz''': ''[Voiceover]'' It's funny how the world changes sometimes, how the streets you walked your entire life seem darker, colder. How the silence isn't so quiet any more. How eyes you've barely even noticed now look at nothing but you. How the walk home every night is no longer routine, but a victory. And then you begin to wonder. Maybe it's not the world that's changed. Maybe it's just you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; &lt;!-- Use this to separate quotes within the same episode. --&gt;
:'''Max''': You said you'd be nicer to her.
:'''Michael''': And you said you'd stay away from her. Let's call it even.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; &lt;!-- Use this to separate quotes within the same episode. --&gt;
:'''[[w:Alex Whitman|Alex]]''': Okay, you know what? The next time you and Liz feel the urge to share with me, you know, feel the impulse to really open up... do me a favor, okay? Let it pass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; &lt;!-- Use this to separate quotes within the same episode. --&gt;
:'''Max''': Someone should tell the sheriff that deadbolts don't work as well when you leave your door open.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; &lt;!-- Use this to separate quotes within the same episode. --&gt;
:'''Liz''': ''[Voiceover]'' October 28th. I've missed a few days. But in my absence I've been thinking about some things, about life before Max Evans saved me, of how I used to pray for something to happen, something to just break the routine, you know, of school and work. Something that would make a small town feel bigger, that would make a small town girl feel bigger, too. And ever since I got my wish and Max Evans patched a bullet hole two inches below my ribs, I realized one thing: that the bigger your world gets, the bigger your problems get, too.

=== ''South 285'' ===
:'''Kyle''': What's the best thing that's ever happened to you?
:'''Max''': Getting adopted, I guess.
:'''Kyle''': I'm gonna shed a tear.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; &lt;!-- Use this to separate quotes within the same episode. --&gt;
:'''Maria''': I just... I knew you had criminal tendencies. You even drive erratically.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maria''': If there's ever a time to have secret powers, now is the time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; &lt;!-- Use this to separate quotes within the same episode. --&gt;
:'''Maria''': When I was a kid, I used to stay up at night and, um, make up stories about my father... you know, and who he was and... what he was doing. And they all ended exactly the same way. He would come in a limo and pick me and my mom up and take us off to some exotic place where we'd live like royalty. Because, you know... I thought to myself, there's got to be something better out there for me than Roswell, New Mexico.
:'''Michael''': Substitute a spaceship for a limo, and you know what i mean.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; &lt;!-- Use this to separate quotes within the same episode. --&gt;
:'''Maria''': Not if you were the last alien on Earth.

=== ''Riverdog'' ===
:'''Liz''': ''[Voice Over]'' All logic is gone. Here were my plans last night: finish my shift, dinner with the parents, half-hour of talking to Maria on the phone, then dive into this issue I've been having with geometry and hopefully finish in time to watch this A&amp;E biography on Madame Curie. Instead, I took off in an open-air vehicle that probably shouldn't be allowed on the road to begin with, broke into a house, essentially stole things from it, and engaged in general bonding with aliens. Welcome to my world.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; &lt;!-- Use this to separate quotes within the same episode. --&gt;
:'''Maria''': I mean, it can never be. There's a number of obstacles. His hair, his personality, the fact that he was hatched.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; &lt;!-- Use this to separate quotes within the same episode. --&gt;
:'''Liz''': Oh, I have to go talk to Kyle.
:'''Maria''': Oh, the stalker. Good luck with that, Lizzy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; &lt;!-- Use this to separate quotes within the same episode. --&gt;
:'''Liz''': Can I help you?
:'''Eddie''': I think I'll try the redskin basket.
:'''Liz''': Oh, yeah, I've been trying to get that off the menu for months.
:'''Eddie''': Thanks for the effort. My people are indebted. My name's Eddie.

=== ''Blood Brother'' ===
:'''Liz''': ''[Voiceover]'': Have you ever had a moment when you're with the one person in the world you want to be with and the wind is blowing through your hair and the song that just describes your entire soul happens to come on, and then the person that you want to be with happens to love the same song and suddenly you realize you're listening to it together? And that no matter how crazy your life has gotten there's this one moment, this perfect moment, where you could just say that no matter what happens, nothing can take this moment away from me...
: ''[A horse appears in the road ahead]''
:'''Liz''': ''[Voiceover]'': And then, something does.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; &lt;!-- Use this to separate quotes within the same episode. --&gt;
:'''Alex''': See, I mean, my point is... is that there's no garage band scene here at Roswell, you know? Which makes for a potential genius situation. I mean, we could start an entire music scene, you know?
:'''Lester''': I think I'm tone-deaf.
:'''Alex''': You are tone-deaf, Lester. That's why I was thinking the drums for you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; &lt;!-- Use this to separate quotes within the same episode. --&gt;
:'''Liz''': Alex, I need you to do me a huge favor.
:'''Alex''': Of course. Anything.
:'''Liz''': I need your blood.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; &lt;!-- Use this to separate quotes within the same episode. --&gt;
:'''Maria''': Relax. God, you guys act like I've never tailed someone before. ''[drives in reverse]''
:'''Isabel''': Subtle.  He'll never notice us going backwards.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; &lt;!-- Use this to separate quotes within the same episode. --&gt;
:'''Maria''': This is the second time you've dragged me to some cheap motel.
:'''Michael''': Yeah, well, don't spread it around. You'll ruin my reputation.

=== ''Heatwave'' ===
:'''Alex''': It's amazing. You wanna know what? A couple weeks ago, if someone were to ask me who I would trust with my life other than my parents, I would have said you without skipping a beat. And now... now I feel like I don't even know who you are.
:'''Liz''': Alex, I want to tell you, I do, but... it's not my secret to tell. Alex, I need to know what you told Sheriff Valenti.
:'''Alex''': I want to tell ya, Liz... but it's not my secret to tell.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; &lt;!-- Use this to separate quotes within the same episode. --&gt;
:'''Max''': Liz, I think that what I'm afraid of isn't that we try this and it works out really badly. What I'm afraid of is we try it and it works out really well. I'm afraid of feeling everything that I know I would feel. Because I know it's not meant to be. And somewhere down the line, we're gonna get hurt. I can live with that. I just couldn't bear to hurt you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; &lt;!-- Use this to separate quotes within the same episode. --&gt;
:'''Sheriff''': You were breaking the law. You were stopping honest, hard-working people from doing their jobs.
:'''Amy''': Those honest hard-working people were destroying a 200-year-old piece of Native American architecture, raping our town of its history.
:'''Sheriff''': Amy, the Native Americans wanted that thing torn down more than anybody.
:'''Amy''': That's not the point.
:'''Sheriff''': Well, it is kinda the point.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; &lt;!-- Use this to separate quotes within the same episode. --&gt;
:'''Isabel''': ''[about Alex]'' Well, he's a complex individual with... a lot of complexities.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; &lt;!-- Use this to separate quotes within the same episode. --&gt;
:''[Liz and Max prepare to kiss]''
:'''Max''': So...
:'''Liz''': So... let's hope nothing explodes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; &lt;!-- Use this to separate quotes within the same episode. --&gt;
:'''Amy''': I was 18. Naive, clueless. Why did you pick on me?
:'''Sheriff''': Because you were cute.

=== ''The Balance'' ===
:'''Maria''': Well, I guess when Liz was shot and Max dissolved the bullet into nothingness and then repaired the damages inside of her that would have otherwise left her dead, I guess that kind of changed my thinking.

=== ''Toy House'' ===
:'''Michael''': Well, I hope so, because dealing with frick and frack over there is one thing, but we can't bring adults into this and expect them to handle it. Adults are the enemy, Max. Remember that. 
:'''Max''': Michael, you say everyone is the enemy. 
:'''Michael''': They are.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maria''': It's cheating. You can't just wave your hand over a problem and make it go away. Why don't you figure out what's really going on with you, Michael...why you can't just piece together an apology like any normal human being. Oops. Maybe that's the problem

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Michael''': I have something to say to you. If anything like that happens to me again, like when I got sick, don't help me. I can't get indebted to anyone, and I can't get entangled. I got to be a stone wall. And when I'm around you sometimes, I don't feel like a stone wall anymore. 
:'''Maria''': Well, what do you feel like? 
:'''Michael''': I don't know. Like confused. 
:'''Maria''': Like human? 
:'''Michael''': Yeah, and I don't want to feel that way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Liz''': Max, you know what your problem is? You put everything on yourself...on your own shoulders. Maybe you should have some faith in the people around you.

=== ''Into The Woods'' ===

=== ''The Convention'' ===
:'''Michael''': Yeah, you know what, I do. I'm here trying to figure out the meaning of my existence, and I'm tired of having to wade through the kooks like you and the freak shows like this in order to do it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Max''': What did you tell him? Why did he come after me? You're the Sheriff. You're supposed to protect me. But all you've done is go after me! You believe all these crazy things. You're just like Hubble. You want me? Well, here I am! Take me.

=== ''Blind Date'' ===

:'''Liz''':  Max! Max, please. We have to stop. Please, we have to stop.
:'''Max''':  Let's just keep running, you and me, away from here, away from everything. I see everything so clearly now. We'll go someplace where no one knows us. As long as we're together, nothing else Matters.
:'''Liz''': You're drunk. Nothing that you're saying is true.
:'''Max''':  It's all true, Liz. It's how I really feel. It's all just magic when I think about you.
:''[Max touches a lamp post and causes the light to shine in a pattern.]''
:'''Liz''': Max, turn it off. Anyone can see.
:'''Max''':  And when I'm not with you... I go crazy.
:''[Max touches a car and the car alarm goes off.]''
:'''Liz''': Max.
:'''Max''':  When you're here...
:'''Liz''':  Oh, Max. Please.
:'''Max''':  You're my dream girl, Liz.
:'''Liz''': And what if I believe you tonight?
:'''Max''':  Then we live happily ever after.
:'''Liz''': And then what about tomorrow... when you go back to realizing who you really are, and all of your fantasies go away.
:'''Max''':  I'll still have you.
:'''Liz''': This can never be normal, Max.
:''[Max touches the tops of some parking meters, which then sparkle.]''
:'''Max''':  What's so great about normal?

=== ''Independence Day'' ===
:'''Isabel''': Hey. Something's up with Michael. He's acting weird. 
:'''Max''': Weirder than usual?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Max:''' I know what you're scared of, Michael.
:'''Michael:'''  No, you don't.
:'''Max:''' You keep telling me how lucky I am... to have a great home, great parents. But in one way, it's harder for me, because when I screw up, I have no excuses. But you, you can do and say anything you want because you have Hank, and you can blame it on that. But what happens without him? It'll all be on you, that's what.
:'''Michael:'''  Well, leave it up to me to still screw it up, huh?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Max''': He can't make up for in one night what he's never had in a lifetime. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Trucker''': Ain't no aliens in that town. Let me ask you something. If you were an alien, you can go anywhere in the world, would you pick Roswell?

=== ''Sexual Healing'' ===
:'''Maria''': I have never seen her like this.
:'''Alex''': So this was like the kiss of the millennium?
:'''Maria''': Alex, if they actually do it, she'll probably explode.
:'''Alex''': Or maybe she'll explode if they don't do it. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nancy Parker''': What exactly is an eraser room?
:'''Principal''': It's a small room that we use to clean the erasers so that chalk dust doesn't fly all over the school.
:'''Diane Evans''': Wait. I'm a little lost. You mean Liz and Max were cleaning erasers when they created this disturbance?
:'''Principal''': No. They were what we used to call &quot;making out.&quot; We're talking sexual activity here, not erasers. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maria''': I'm worried for you.
:'''Liz''': Why?
:'''Maria''': Because this isn't you.
:'''Liz''': Yes, Maria, see... this is, this is me. I'm sitting right next to you.
:'''Maria''': I just don't want you to go too far.
:'''Liz''': I think I want to.
:'''Maria''': Are you crazy? This is dangerous. This isn't like a game! We don't even know what could happen!
:'''Liz''': Look who's talking! You were the first one to take the plunge, Maria!
:'''Maria''': Michael and I just kissed. Okay, fine. We did a little more than kissing. But, look, I wasn't getting visions, and I didn't have glowing hickeys and rashes and... look, Liz, the bottom line is that we don't know what this is about, all right? Female spiders can, you know, bite off the males' heads after they mate. What if they need someone to mate with to get certain information, you know? And then... Blttt! You know?
:'''Liz''': What're you been trying to say? That Max is just gonna bite my head off?
:'''Maria''': Uh, no. What I'm saying is, how do you know that he's not like using you?
:'''Liz''': Maria, because it... it... it feels right. I'm sorry. It feels right in a way that nothing has felt right in my life before. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maria''': I want you to know that what I said about you being all shut down and that's why I had to fake the flashes, that was... wrong and very unfair. If something went wrong, it was because of me. I'm the one who's scared. I mean, I fake all kinds of things all the time with everybody. It's just you were the first person I actually ever admitted it to. 
:'''Michael''': Well... thanks for sayin' that, but it's not really true. 
:'''Maria''': What do you mean? 
:'''Michael''': It's not true about you being shut down all the time. I happen to know that for a fact. 
:'''Maria''': Really? How? 
:'''Michael''': Because you let me see you. The red sneakers, Maria. One had a Kermit patch on it, and the shoelaces were blue, and you had your dalmatian dog with you there, licking off your tears.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Liz''':  Okay. Fine. If you know so much, then tell me, Max...what's my destiny?
:'''Max''':  I only know the part I'm hoping for.

=== ''Crazy'' ===
:''[Max and Liz are kissing in Max's jeep in a secluded woodsy area.]''
:'''Liz''': Do you mind missing the movie?
:'''Max''': I heard it got bad reviews. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Max''': All right... romantic. When you're with her, act like she's like the only girl in the room.
:'''Michael''': She's usually the only other person in the room.

=== ''Tess, Lies and Videotape'' ===

:'''Max''': Liz, about what Michael said before, about Tess, I just...I want you to know that I don't feel anything for her. I look at you, and I know you're the person I'm supposed to be with. I've always known it. What happened here that day, when you got shot, and how that brought us together...it's fate. Look at me. You're the one, Liz...the only one. I could never be with anyone else.

=== ''Four Square'' ===

=== ''Max to the Max'' ===

=== ''The White Room'' ===
:'''Max''': You’ve made a mistake.
:'''Agent Pierce''': I don’t think so. I know what you are, and now, you’re going to tell me everything.
:'''Max''': I’m Max Evans. I live at sixty-twenty-five Murray Lane. You can call my parents.
:'''Agent Pierce''': We can do this the easy way, or the hard way. What is the name of your home planet?
:'''Max''': Earth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nasedo''': It’s inside you. Your program.
:'''Michael''':  Hey, I didn’t get the manual, ok?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Michael''': You’re not who I thought you’d be.
:'''Nasedo''': Neither are you.

:'''Michael''' How can you do this? How can you kill all these people? You don't care do you?
:'''Nasedo''': Michael, if you wanna survive, if you wanna go back home, you have to be willing to fight for it. Do you understand?

=== ''Destiny'' ===
:'''Liz:''' Max, the day that you saved my life, your life just ended.
:'''Max:''' No, that was the day my life began. Liz, when I was in that room, and they did what they did to me. You're what kept me alive. The thought of you. The way your eyes look into mine. Your smile. The touch of your skin. Your lips. Knowing you has made me human. Whether I die tomorrow or fifty years from now, my destiny is the same: it's you. I want to be with you, Liz. I love you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Valenti''': We'll be safe here for a while.
:'''Michael''': There is no safe anymore.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Michael''': It's not safe.
:'''Maria''': It's never been safe. What difference does it make now?
:'''Michael''': No, I'm not safe. All right, I mean, I can do these things that I can't control. Look at what I did to Pierce. I'm not going to take that chance with you. I don't want you to be around for what's going to happen. 
:'''Maria''': Wait. Don't do this to me Michael, please. You need me now, more than you have before, alright?
:'''Michael''': No, I don't need anyone.
:'''Maria''': Well, maybe I do. Did you ever think of that? I mean, look at Max and Liz. They can't bear to be separated. But you, you can just throw me away. Just like that. Why is that, Michael? Why?
:'''Michael''': Maybe because I love you too much.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Liz:''' Max, you do have a destiny. You just heard it. I can't stand in the way of it.
:'''Max:''' But you mean everything to me. 
:''[They kiss.]''
:'''Liz:''' Goodbye, Max.

== Season Two ==

=== ''Skin and Bones'' ===

:'''Max''' (voiceover): Well, I guess the natural place to start is...that I'm an alien...a hybrid, actually. You know, human DNA mixed with alien DNA...that kind of thing. Oh, I almost forgot. My sister Isabel and our friend Michael are also a little green around the gills.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Maria''': who is that? She looks familiar?
:'''Alex''': Vanessa Whitaker. She's our congresswoman.
:'''Maria''': I gotta start reading the newspaper.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Maria''': Girlfriend, I know we bonded over the summer. But I'm not ready to show you the bod just yet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Michael''': I thought we agreed that it was over between us. 
:'''Maria''': You agreed, and then you avoided me the entire summer. 
:'''Michael''': Well, it is. 
:'''Maria''': Why? 'Cause you're destined to be with Isabel? 
:'''Michael''': No. I don't buy that. Because I'm destined to be the soldier, and a soldier can't have some chick at home waiting for him. 
:'''Maria''': Michael, half the movies ever made are about soldiers with chicks waiting at home for them. 
:'''Michael''': Well, be that as it may... 
:'''Maria''': I miss you, Michael. 
:'''Michael''': I know, but don't.

=== ''Ask Not'' ===
:'''Kyle''': Yeah. I just... I'm just not looking forward to dealing with all the little green men again. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kyle''': Hey! This is my room &amp; that's my jersey!
:'''Tess'' Sorry!
:'''Kyle''': No. Alright. Wear it.
:'''Tess''': kinda uptight about nudity for a guy who reads jugs.
:'''Kyle''': gimme that!
:'''Tess''': oh the post-its? Nice touch.
:'''Kyle''': Ok, listen. I don't know how they do things on Planet Vulcan, or whatever. But here on Earth we have this primitive human concept called, privacy. 
:'''Tess''': Keep talking to me like that &amp; I'll slag you with my death ray eyes.
:'''Kyle''': *stares*
:'''Tess''': Kidding. You Buddhists have like no sense of humor.
:'''Kyle''': How do you know about that?
:'''Tess''': Buddhism for Beginners is also under your bed. How do you think the Buddha would feel about being sandwiched between Hustler &amp; Busty Biker Babes?
:'''Kyle''': Look, you can't tell anyone about that. 
:'''Tess''': why?
:'''Kyle''': because I have a certain reputation.
:'''Tess''': which the less said the better?
:'''Kyle''': I'm serious
:'''Tess''': Kyle Valenti, Buddhist. 
:'''Kyle''': look, I got into it over the summer
:'''Tess''': Oh! Football camp! Guys are crazy about-
:'''Kyle''': Listen! This... this whole aliens-are-among-us thing... it really screwed me up... made me question stuff... life, reality, my place in this universe... and you don't understand. You... you guys... you people turned my life upside down. I need a little clarity. I need a little peace of mind. 
:'''Tess''': No, I don't understand. I'm a girl from another planet. No family, no friends. Only 3 other people like me in the world. And the man I grew up with...the man who raised me...he was just murdered. You're right, Kyle. What would I know about needing peace of mind? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Michael''': And if he kills you? 
:'''Max''': Then you can be fearless leader.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brody''': Exactly. Do you know what this means, Max? Aliens. I mean, not like they're walking among us or anything stupid like that, but they're actually making contact with people right here in Roswell.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Max''': This isn't about Tess. It's about you and me. You think I'm gonna forget about you or get over it or something, but... but I'm not. I don't... I don't care about my destiny or my planet or anything else. All I care about is you. So just know this... I'm coming for you, Liz.
:''[Max walks back to the table.]''
:'''Maria''': Now that is a great man.

=== ''Surprise'' ===

:'''Alex:''': You know I can't believe you talked me into that. It was the most humiliating experience of my life. No one told me her parents were gonna be here. I did a striptease in front of her Mother. Are you listening to me?
:'''Maria:''' One nipple does not constitute a striptease, Alex.
:'''Alex:''' She saw my nipple?! OH GOD!
:'''Courtney:''' Chill out NYPD Blue
:'''Alex':''' Chill out? I spent $150 to rent this costume. And do you have any idea how it feels to walk around all day with a thong up your ass?
:'''Courtney:''' &amp; :'''Maria:''' YES!

=== ''Summer of '47'' ===
:'''Hal''': They looked like human fetuses. There was 4 to a sac. 8 total. That night, I packed my things and never came back. The base was on full alert. There was no way anybody or anything else could have escaped...and that's the story of Hal Carver. The only time I ever stuck my neck out to save anything...and it all went to hell. 
:''[Michael reaches out his hand and blows up the bottles from a distance] 
:'''Michael''': You saved me. 
:''[He then turns to Hal who is having trouble lighting his cigarette. Michael creates a flame on his thumb. Hal and Michael hug]

=== ''The End of the World'' ===
:'''Max''': You tried to get Tess and me together?
:'''Liz''': Look, I know that you must hate me right now. I, um...
:''[Max grabs Liz and gives her a long, passionate kiss. There are image flashbacks.]''
:'''Max''': I felt that... and I know you did, too, and I know you think that... that I need to let you go... for the sake of Michael, and Isabel, and my race... so you went to Tess. But she can't be you. Tess can never be you. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Liz''': Do you know how hard it was for me to tell him that I didn't want to die for him? He's the only reason that I'm alive right now. You...you've...you gotta come up with another plan. Please go to someone else. I...I just...I can't do this anymore. 
:'''Future Max''': Just 25 minutes before I came here, I held Michael in my arms...dead. Isabel died 2 weeks before that. Now you have to do this. You have to find a way. All of our lives depend on it. 
:'''Liz''': How? What can I do that's gonna make you turn away from me? 
:'''Future Max''': I don't know. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alex''': Do you have any idea what you've done to Maria? 
:'''Michael''': Dude, it was a misunderstanding. 
:'''Alex''': Look. I don't care that you've got 30 pounds on me or...or that you can kill me with some...some twisted alien power. I will not let you treat her like that. I...I don't care that Isabel treats me like crap, but no one does that to Maria, all right? She's not just some girl! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Max''': I can't help it. I love her. What can I say?
:'''Maria''': You're hopeless. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Future Max''': I've fought a thousand battles...but watching you do that was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. 
:'''Liz''': The look on his face...on your face. 
:'''Future Max''': Maybe it's for the best. For you, too. 
:'''Liz''': What are you talking about? 
:'''Future Max''': I saw you with Kyle. He's turning out to be a...a great guy. Maybe it would be better for you to be with a human. 
:'''Liz''': Don't you realize what you are to me...and you're always gonna be? You're the love of my life. Everyone else is gonna be second best. There'll never be another you.

=== ''Harvest'' ===
:'''Tess''': so you &amp; Kyle?
:'''Liz''': yeah. Oh, Kyle told me you two were getting involved.
:'''Tess''': its ok, don't worry about it.
:'''Liz''': I'm sorry.
:'''Tess''': About what? All you did was sleep with him. How was he anyway?
:'''Liz:''' oh.. I.. Um.. We... It was great.
:'''Tess:''' Noted.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
 
:'''Maria''': You look like you got your heart stomped out. No, wait...that would be me. Well, if it's possible, you look worse.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

:'''Michael''': That's the shirt I lost at work. What the hell is this? 
:'''Maria''': It's Graceland...and you're Elvis.

=== ''Wipeout!'' ===
:'''Maria''': So how does electricity work?
:'''Kyle''': Why are you lookin' at me? We were both in the same remedial science class for 3 years.
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Maria''': Ok, we've got ginko, bee pollen, echinacea, C, D, E, calcium, St.John's wort , and pamprin... What? I was dating Michael Guerin.

=== ''Meet the Dupes'' ===

:'''Maria:''' It's a $100 tip!
:'''Brody:''' Honestly? It's Ben Franklin. I can't stand the man.

=== ''Max in the City'' ===

:'''Isabel''': I know my brother, and I know that if there is one voice he will hear no matter where he is, no matter what he's doing, it's yours. Take my hand, Liz.

=== ''A Roswell Christmas Carol'' ===

:'''Isabel''': Actually I think Maria would find it in her heart to forgive you for exceeding the price limit, though there would be hell to pay if you gave the girl you love an electric toothbrush for Christmas. You're better off getting her no gift at all. 
:'''Michael''': No. I tried the &quot;no present&quot; idea last year. It didn't work.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Isabel''': You know, is it too much to ask that one day a year, I can be like a normal human being with a normal life and have a merry Christmas?!? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Michael''': Hey, we're here for a reason, Max. So call me a selfish jerk, but I don't think we should risk everything just so you can feel a little bit better about yourself at Christmas. It's 3 against 1. I'm voted down anyway. 
:'''Max''': Michael. 
:'''Michael''': You made your decision before you walked through that door. I know you did. I could hear it in your voice, so why don't you just go do what you're gonna do... and make sure you don't screw up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Liz''': As beautiful as that is, Max... you can't keep doing it. I know it seems like there's no reason for those kids to have cancer or for a father to get killed saving his child or for any of it... but maybe there is. Maybe there is someone or something out there that's planning all of this, and maybe you have to respect it. You're not God, Max. You're the one that told me that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Liz''': I thought you didn't believe in God. 
:'''Max''': I believe in you. ''[grabs Liz's hand and squeezes it tightly.]''

=== ''To Serve and Protect'' ===

:'''Maria''': Okay, okay, you’re a Max-aholic. I’m here for you. What can I do? 
:'''Liz''': Get me a life.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kyle''':Look we're getting off the point. I really need some help. 
:'''Tess''': what do you want from me? I don't know what's gonna happen to you. Maybe nothing will. Or maybe you could develop super powers &amp; start flying around Roswell in a big cape. *laughs* I don't know!

=== ''We Are Family'' ===

:'''Max''': Everyone we touch gets hurt in some way or another. 5 years from now, I don't want you to open your eyes and realize that...that you missed out. You're part of the group. You always will be. But you need to be allowed to...to grow. 
:'''Liz''': Why can't you come with me? 
:'''Max''': Because I can't. But I'll be watching you, Liz Parker. Wherever you go...and I'll be here when you get back.

=== ''Disturbing Behavior'' ===

:'''Maria''': Pretty weird, huh? Michael, have you ever even thought of the possibility that this guy more than just looks like you? Like he is you. Like your donor. Like your human side is him. Which means in some weird and twisted way, that he and his relatives are like your family.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Maria''': Look, you wanna know why you look like Grandpa 1935? She has the key. So, you have two choices, all right? You can let her in on the whole alien conspiracy thing and hope that it shakes something loose from the dusty corners of her brain, or you can... No. You know what? That's not gonna work, so look... You have that one option, all right? 
:'''Michael''': No, no, no. What's my second option? 
:'''Maria''': You're not capable of it, I promise. 
:'''Michael''': Just say it. 
:'''Maria''': Form an emotional bond with Laurie. ''(Michael shakes his head)'' All right, fine. You don't like that answer, then go show her the secret alien handshake. 
:'''Michael''': ''(sighs)'' Okay, fine. What kind of psychobabble, Oprah crap do I gotta tell her? 
:'''Maria''': I can't put the words in your mouth, Michael. It's gotta come from you. It's gotta come from your-- it's gotta come from whatever organ you have sitting in for your heart. Just go over there and tell her in your own words that she can trust you, and make sure that she feels that you're being completely, emotionally honest. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Michael''': Look, Laurie, I know a lot of people think you're pretty crazy. But the truth is, knowing everything you've been through, you seem pretty normal to me. I just want you to know that whatever you are to me-- a sister, a cousin, whatever-- you're the only family I've ever known, and I just found you. I don't... I don't want to let you go. I know you're scared to death of me, but... if you could find some way to trust me... I mean, I got all kinds of faults. And this one over here, you know (gestures to Maria) she can list them off for you if you want later on, but... the one thing I am is loyal. I will not turn my back on you. That's all I got to say. I don't know. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Amy DeLuca''': Michael, I want you to listen to me very, very carefully. On this glorious, rebellious, lost weekend of yours, you will take care of my daughter. You will protect her and be kind to her, and she will have fun. You will not get matching tattoos, and you will not allow her to pierce any part of her body that cannot be shown in polite company. [Sniffles] And, Michael, if you have sex with my daughter, I will hunt you down and kill you like the mangy dog you are. Okay? 
:'''Michael''': Okay. 
:'''Amy DeLuca''': Call me if you need bail money. 
:'''Maria''': What'd she say? 
:'''Michael''': [Sighs] She wants you to have fun.

=== ''How the Other Half Lives'' ===

:'''Michael''': If it was me, I’d tell us to get screwed and call the cops anyways. 
:'''Maria''': That’s 'cause you don’t have any money Michael. People who do tend to get a little nervous when it’s threatened. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kyle''': What do you suppose alien crystals are going for on eBay?

=== ''Viva Las Vegas'' ===

:'''Michael''': Nightmares, Maxwell. I can't shake them. I've had them every night for two weeks. I mean my brain needs a vacation, or I swear to God I'm going to lose it on someone or something, and it's not gonna to be pretty. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Michael''': Hey! I've been going through some heavy stuff the last couple of weeks. In case you missed it, I got shot. 
:'''Max''': I know, I healed you. 
:'''Michael''': You put your hand over my shoulder and you did your little trick like a robot. You're a machine, Max. You wouldn't know the first thing about what it takes to heal me. To really heal me. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Jim Valenti''': So you skipped school. Missing class is excusable if it involves saving a planet-- yours, mine, or any other. It is not acceptable if it is done in the name of under-age gambling. Is that clear?

=== ''Heart of Mine'' ===

:'''Michael''': Just kill me now. I don't do proms. I don't believe in them. 
:'''Maria''': You don't believe in them?! 
:'''Michael''': The whole thing is totally bogus. It's completely unnatural. 
:'''Maria''': You know what? I, I find it to be really unnatural that you're half alien warrior and half Grandpa Dupree! But I make do.


:'''Liz (on her journal)''': We try to live responsible logical lives, but we can't tell our hearts what to feel. Sometimes our hearts lead us to places we never thought we wanted to go, and sometimes our hearts can be the sweetest gentlest things we have. Sometimes our hearts can make us feel miserable anger, excited and confused all at once. But at least my heart is open, and I'm writing again. I'm feeling. I'm breathing.

=== ''Cry Your Name'' ===

:'''Max''': You can't compare The Matrix to Crouching Tiger.
:'''Michael''': Crapping Tiger is a chick flick with kung-fu.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Diane''': Oh, honey. I wish -- I wish I had some kind of special powers or something to make all of this go away for you.
:'''Isabel''': Special powers don't help.

=== ''It's Too Late and It's too Bad'' ===

:'''Maria''': If you're here to trash-talk, I'm gonna have to take a rain check, 'cause that is the only way I'm gonna get through a simple school day without losing it, all right? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Tess''': You're scared to go home. 
:'''Max''': What is home? Is home really up there? I just feel like this whole idea about where we come from, and I want to believe it. I want to understand it more and more, but it just feels like this dream... this, this dream that I can never really quite touch or see or...feel. And earth just seems so much more... real. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Max''': Michael. The idea that Alex might have died just because we're here... I can't bear it. All those times you would run off chasing some clue to find out where we come from. Why we're here. Where we belong. I always thought you were chasing something that wasn't out there, because in my heart, I believed that we belonged here, you know? That we were human. Lately, I've been thinking that you might have been right all along. 
:'''Michael''': Lately, I've been thinking I might have been wrong all along.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Maria''': I can't count on you. 
:'''Michael''': Yes, you can. I'll take care of this. I mean, I'm right here for you. 
:'''Maria''': But you won't always be. 
:'''Michael''': What? 
:'''Maria''': One day you're gonna leave me. You're gonna get on a spaceship and go away, and you being the perfect boyfriend right now is really not helping me. I can't lose anyone else, Michael. My heart can't handle it.

=== ''Baby, It's You'' ===
=== ''Off the Menu'' ===

:'''Liz''': That was weird. 
:'''Michael''': What was? 
:'''Liz''': Maria just hung up on me. 
:'''Michael''': Happens to me all the time.

=== ''The Departure'' ===
:'''Max''': I always thought when we graduated I would give you my ring. ''[handing her the pendant they found at Atherton's]'' It looks like I won't graduate, so this is something from where I'll be.
:'''Liz''': I can't believe that this is what I have of you. I can't believe that after everything...
:'''Max''': Liz, you never slept with Kyle, did you?
:''[Liz shakes her head no.]''
:'''Max''': I wish, I wish this all could have been different. I wish that so much. ''[kisses her]''
:'''Liz''': I guess that this is our goodbye. Just tell me one thing: do you love her?
:'''Max''': Not like I love you. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Isabel''': What if I said I wanted to stay?
:'''Max''': When we came out of the pods and we lost Michael, it was just the two of us in the desert and I knew that I wasn't alone, that I had my sister. To me, earth isn't home and whatever's out there isn't home, but you're my home.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Michael''': There's a lot about you, Maria. There's a lot about you, but I think what means the most to me is that you're open. You know I can look into your eyes and I can see you. I can see what you're thinking. I can see what you're feeling. How much I mean to you sometimes, how much I piss you off sometimes. But I can always see you. 
:'''Maria''': I see you, too. 
:'''Michael''': No, no you don't see me. You know when Max and Liz would kiss, and Liz would get the flashes? And when we would kiss, you didn't. I know how much that hurt you. 
:'''Maria''': That doesn't matter to me any more, Michael. 
:'''Michael''': The reason you didn't get the flashes is because I didn't let you get them. I didn't let you see me. I've never let anyone see me before... because there are things inside of me that I don't want people to see. There's things inside of me that I'm not so proud of. But I've thought about it, and I want you to see me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Michael''': Max... I can't go. Ever since we came out of the pods, I've been on some quest to figure out where I belong. I finally found home. The weird thing is, it's here, it's on earth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Max''': ''[to Liz]'' I've been really wrong about a lot. But I was right about one thing: To get you into my life, to be around you, to love you.

== Season Three ==

=== ''Busted'' ===
:'''Max''': Rules? She has rules? 
:'''Liz''': Well, yeah. Yeah, since I told her that you broke my heart, without any of the alien details, of course. She thinks that we should just take things slow. Just dinner, then straight home, no plans for future dates. No making out. 
:'''Max''': So I suppose skinny-dipping would be against the rules, too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Michael''': Now if I'm to have any chance of graduating this year, I need to get into your Bio 101 class. 
:'''Mr. Seligman''': Why didn't you come to my Bio 101 class when you were in it? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Michael''': Mr. Seligman, I know you hate my guts. Personally, I hate yours, too. 
:'''Mr. Seligman''': This is how you ask a favor? 
:'''Michael''': But if you help me graduate this year, then you won't have to see me next year. 
:'''Mr. Seligman''': Well, you do have a point there. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Isabel''': Max! You idiot! What are you trying to do to our poor, clueless human parents? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Liz''': I want to do this with you, Max. Together. 
:'''Max''': Why? 
:'''Liz''': Because if I had lost a child, I would want you to help me find him. But that's only part of the reason. The other part is that I don't want you to slip away from me. I know what it's like to be with you, and I know what it's like to be apart from you. And I would rather be with you.

=== ''Michael, The Guys and The Great Snapple Caper'' ===
:'''Michael''': Yeah, you left the loving parents, the cushy home, college fund. Smart move. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Liz''': No matter how hard my parents try, nothing can keep us apart. I love you, and even when I can't see you in the day, I see you at night in my dreams. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Parker''': Did you have fun? Where you been? I'm asking you man to man where you took my daughter in the middle of the night. Be man enough to answer me. 
:'''Max''': We went to the desert. We didn't do anything wrong. 
:'''Mr. Parker''': It was wrong for you to see her at all. You know that. 
:'''Max''': I'm sorry. I love her. 
:'''Mr. Parker''': I don't give a damn about your love. Because of you, my daughter was arrested for armed robbery. She could've been killed. Did you ever think about that? Tell me you're not dangerous, Max. Tell me that being with you doesn't put my little girl's life in jeopardy. Yeah. That's what I thought. So now this is gonna stop. It's gonna stop right now, and you are never to see Liz again. And if you do... If I find out that you so much as sat next to her in class, she'll be on the next plane to Vermont.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve''': You're a crazy bastard. You know that? 
:'''Michael''': Welcome to my world.

=== ''Significant Others'' ===
:'''Isabel''': Alex, I can't really talk to you about guys. 
:'''Alex''': I'm dead. I'm beyond getting jealous.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Liz''': How am i supposed to help you find your child if i can't even be with you?
:'''Max''': You are with me... All the time. All the time.

=== ''Secrets and Lies'' ===
=== ''Control'' ===
:'''Kal''': How did you get to Los Angeles? 
:'''Max''': I-10 west, then straight north. 
:'''Kal''': Don't get cute with me, you prick. 
:'''Max''': Do you murder everyone who discovers you're an alien, or do they get a warning first?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kal''': So, this is the mighty king of Antar? A low-rent Tom Cruise with a $10 haircut? Buddy boy, you have no idea what you're gettin' yourself into. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Isabel''': Michael... I don't want to put my life on hold. This is my one chance to be happy... To love someone and have him love me back without all of this garbage that has made us miserable our whole lives getting in the way. I've put a lot of thought into it, and I don't see any reason why Jesse has to know the truth. 
:'''Michael''': Well, knowing what I know about alien sex, he's gonna have major questions after the honeymoon. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maria''': I still can't believe Isabel's getting married. This is, like, a disaster of epic proportions. If you think Michael freaked when he found out, Max is gonna go ballistic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Max''': I failed. And my son... He's up there somewhere. I've just messed everything up. Langley's life. Yours. I'm so sorry, liz. I'm so sorry.
:'''Liz''': It's ok. It's ok. 
:'''Max''': I'll never leave you, liz.

=== ''To Have and To Hold'' ===
:'''Michael''': We've got bad news, Maxwell. Jesse Ramirez is... Ta-da! Human. Yeah, nice red blood cells. Not a green one in the bunch. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Michael''': Hey, no, sit down. None of us know what happened in that life. All we know for certain is who are in this life. And in this life, you're Isabel, and Isabel isn't the kind of person who's gonna betray her husband.

=== ''Interruptus'' ===
:'''Kyle''': Isabel, I'm all for denial as a... way of life, but you can't just run away from this one. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kyle''': So what's the deal with this guy? 
:'''Michael''': Son of a bitch killed us. 
:'''Max''': All of us. 
:'''Kyle''': He killed you? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kyle''': Nothing's ever simple with you people, is it?

=== ''Behind the Music'' ===
:'''Kyle''': Michael, Michael, Michael. Let me explain something to you. Here on the planet earth we have this thing called jealousy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Liz''': Michael, please don't do anything stupid or alien or both, please?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Max''': What happened? 
:'''Michael''': It's over. 
:'''Max''': What? My Dad found something, what? 
:'''Michael''': No, it's not that. I saw Maria and what's-his name, Billy, together. 
:'''Max''': Together as in together? 
:'''Michael''': Worse. 
:'''Max''': What could be worse? 
:'''Michael''': They were singing together. 
:'''Max''': So you're jealous? 
:'''Michael''': I'm not jealous! ''[makes a lamp explode]'' My powers are slightly out of whack. 
:'''Max''': Out of whack? 
:'''Michael''': I've been blowing things up all day. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Max''': We're part human. We're supposed to have feelings. You keep them bottled up like this. They're gonna get out somehow. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Evans''': You frighten me, Max. I don't think I know who you are any more. I'm beginning to think I've never known.

=== ''Samuel Rising'' ===
:'''Michael''': I'm not gonna starve because I have a weird girlfriend.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Isabel''': You know, Michael, I, too, was miserable around the holidays until I found my calling. 
:'''Michael''': Making other people miserable.

=== ''A Tale of Two Parties'' ===
:'''Kyle''': Look, it's been a long time, all right? I used to be a fun guy. I used to have fun, but then the alien invasion happened, and I sorta- my social life started to suck. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maria''': So, wait a minute. My New Year's eve isn't being ruined by some life-threatening, hot flash alien disease. It's because Michael's drunk? 
:'''Max''': I think the alcohol affected his senses. Some sort of sensory overload. Everything's too bright, too loud. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maria''': Shh. Shh. Shh. Look, his senses are super, super heightened.  So if the lights are too bright, or if he hears anything really loud, it really, really hurts. 
:'''Michael''': Like your whispering is doing right now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maria''': You're being way too self-sacrificing.
:'''Micheal''': I want you to have a night off from all this alien crap.

=== ''I Married An Alien'' ===
:'''Max''': I will not stand here and be lectured by a descendant of an Ape!

=== ''Ch-Ch-Changes'' ===
:'''Liz''': What makes me different from everybody else is the fact that I was brought back from the dead by an alien.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Liz''': No, he risks so much when he healed me. It's what made me fall in love with him. 
:'''Kyle''': Yeah, me, too. 
:'''Liz''': Kyle!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Michael''': You guys are always giving me crap about being impulsive and stupid. Well you know what's stupid? Sneaking around in the desert while your father is watching our every move.
:'''Max''': Shut up, Michael.
:'''Michael''': Whose idea was it to bury the alien stuff anyway? What are we? Eight? It's called a safety deposit box.
:'''Max''': I need the book translation. It might have something on Liz's change.
:'''Michael''': You read it like 10 times.
:'''Max''': Well maybe I missed something.
:'''Michael''': What if there's nothing in there?
:'''Max''': Well then I'll find somebody who knows something. ''[pauses]'' Even if I have to contact the FBI.
:'''Michael''': Hey Max, I know this is a big deal, but you gotta keep calm. All right? Don't kick up any dust, if we get exposed we can't help her.
:'''Max''':  It's a risk I'm willing to take.
:'''Michael''': Do I have to smack some sense into you right now?? I got a shovel here, I'll do it!
:''[Max uses his powers to send Michael's shovel flying a few feet.]''
:'''Max''': There is something wrong with her Michael, and I don't know how to fix it.
:'''Michael''': We'll figure it out.
:'''Max''': And what if we can't? What if it gets worse? I've screwed up hundreds of times to find out who we are, do you know how many times Liz has?... Never. And this is what she gets in return. Look, I'm doing whatever it takes to help her. If you got a problem with that you can leave right now.
:''[Michael walks away. He gets his shovel and goes back to where Max is digging and helps him.]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Michael''': Let me get this straight: you dumped me so you can go live your dream, and now you're telling me you're dropping that too? 
:'''Maria''': I'm sorry, I just really need some advice right now. 
:'''Michael''': It's like you said we're not linked anymore. I could invite you inside, tell you to stay in Roswell, because that's what I want, but you know what? I'm not going to be the guy you blame for ruining your life. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Liz''': Just stop hurting me. 
:'''Max''': I wasn't trying to. 
:'''Liz''': No, but Max, you do. You always do. Why did you sleep with her? Why?

=== ''Panacea'' ===
:'''Micheal''': I guess the interview went well.
:'''Valenti''': Piece of cake.
:'''Micheal''': Drop my name?
:'''Valenti''': I really didn't have to, Michael. She seemed pretty impressed with my resume, you know, being the sheriff and all.
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Maria''': What do you drink now?
:'''Liz''': No...a little bit.
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Liz''': Max is dead.

=== ''Chant Down Babylon'' ===
:'''Michael''': ''[on top of Jesse pinning him down.]'' No you can't take her to the hospital. You can't! 
:'''Jesse''': Why? Tell me why. 
:'''Michael''': Because your wife isn't human. Okay. Understand that. Your wife isn't human. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Clayton''': Max Evans. He's still alive. He's in my head. His head.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Michael''': First day of school, third grade. I'm standing by the lunch line arguing with that ass Mr. Trevors. He tells me that the cafeteria won't take my food stamps. I say that they're for food, aren't they? And he looks down on me, and he says with that scraggly mustache and that stupid comb over, he says, I don't take lip from welfare punks. I'm about to kick his balls up into his throat, but then I feel someone watching me. And it feels like a heat lamp turned on in the back on my neck, and I turned around and there you are. You're sitting at a table all by yourself. You're just staring right at me. So I walk over and I sit down. You're still staring at me with those big eyes. And you push your tray of food over to me, and you said that you can have my lunch. Right then, I knew you were different. You know, you were different like I was different like people liked you and wanted you around ''[trying not to cry]'', I want you around. I want you around, so please don't go. ''[he cries and lays his head down on her chest. He squeezes her hand, and we see Michael's hand turn white and the white travels to Isabel's hand and up her arm. She puts her hand on his back. Michael lifts up his head and looks at Isabel.]''
:'''Isabel''': You still owe me for that lunch.

=== ''Who Died and Made You King?'' ===
:'''Max''': Michael, what the hell is wrong with you?!? 
:'''Michael''': You. You were dead, Max, and now I'm lookin' at you and I don't know. Who are you, are you a ghost? And you're here in my face all day and you're freaking me out. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kyle''': Well, maybe. But I realize that I'm part of something bigger than myself. 
:'''Jesse''': No, it's not bigger, it's all-consuming. There's a difference. They've robbed you of your life. 
:'''Kyle''': No, actually they gave me one. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Michael''': You know what really pisses me off? No one ever listens to me. You didn't not even when we were together. All you tried to do was make me weak. 
:'''Maria''': No, I loved you! 
:'''Michael''': I stayed on this planet for you and you show your appreciation by dumping me? Yeah, you love me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maria''': Okay, Michael's a freak show. 
:'''Liz''': What happened? 
:'''Maria''': He's like a desert-wandering Anne Heche times a thousand, babbling about how Max should've stayed dead because he'd be a better king or something.

=== ''Crash'' ===
:'''Kyle''': But what I was going to say was maybe Michael can get like &quot;I'm eternally sorry&quot; tattooed there instead and just flash it every half hour, regardless. Saves time, cuts stress. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Michael''': Why am I always apologizing for who I am. 
:'''Maria''': It wasn't you, Michael. 
:'''Michael''': Yes it is me. ''[points at Max.]'' Max was dead. ''[points at himself.]'' I was king. I did what I had to do. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Michael''': You scared I'm gonna find something? 
:'''Max''': I'm terrified they'll find you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Liz''': It'll be okay. 
:'''Connie''': Should have gone with them. 
:'''Maria''': You would have been stopped. 
:'''Connie''': They could die. 
:'''Liz''': They have practice. 
:'''Connie''': Dying?

=== ''Four Aliens and A Baby'' ===
=== ''Graduation'' ===
:'''Max''': Liz... they're taking our home from us. They want to kill us... and they might. But when I look in your eyes, I... I don't feel angry, or deprived. I feel like the luckiest half-human on the planet. You're pure... you're true... and you're real. And right now that seems like the only thing that's important. I want to be with you Liz... forever.
:'''Liz''': Forever may only be twelve days.
:'''Max''': Then we'll take those twelve days... ''[He places a diamond in Liz's palm and closes her hand around it]'' And we'll live twelve lifetimes. Liz Parker... will you marry me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maria''': I thought you were leaving. 
:'''Michael''': I am... but I just wanted... I dunno. 
:'''Maria''': To say goodbye? 
:'''Michael''': ''(struggles to form words, then speaks)'' ...I wanted to say that this thing has been screwed up from the beginning. You and me. Us. Just the whole long, stupid story... 
:'''Maria''': ...Thanks... 
:'''Michael''': But I wouldn't trade it for anything. It's meant so much to me, y'know. From day one, from the moment I kidnapped you and stole your car... I knew you were the girl for me. I never wanted anyone else... 
:'''Maria''': Michael... ''(takes a step towards him, sad, but touched.)''
:'''Michael''': I still don't. Just... Wherever I'm goin,' whatever I'm doin,' just know I'll always love you. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; &lt;!-- Use this to separate quotes within the same episode. --&gt;
:'''Max''': I'm a member of that group of... outsiders. I always knew I was different and for a long, long time, all I wanted was to be another face in the crowd... but in the end, it wasn't possible. I guess it never was. So from now on, I'll just concentrate on being who I really am. Some of you might not like that. Some of you might even... find that frightening. But that's not my problem any more. I have to be who I really am and let fate take care of the rest. So... thank you, Roswell... Thank you for... for letting me live among you. Thank you for giving me a family. Thank you for giving me a home.

== Cast ==

* [[w:Shiri Appleby|Shiri Appleby]] - [[w:Liz Parker|Liz Parker]]
* [[w:Jason Behr|Jason Behr]] - [[w:Max Evans|Max Evans]]
* [[Katherine Heigl]] - [[w:Isabel Evans|Isabel Evans]]
* [[w:Brendan Fehr|Brendan Fehr]] - [[w:Michael Guerin|Michael Guerin]]
* [[w:Majandra Delfino|Majandra Delfino]] - [[w:Maria DeLuca|Maria DeLuca]]
* [[w:Colin Hanks|Colin Hanks]] - [[w:Alex Whitman|Alex Whitman]]
* [[w:William Sadler|William Sadler]] - [[w:Sheriff Jim Valenti|Sheriff Jim Valenti]]
* [[w:Nick Wechsler|Nick Wechsler]] - [[w:Kyle Valenti|Kyle Valenti]]
* [[w:Emilie de Ravin|Emilie de Ravin]] - [[w:Tess Harding|Tess Harding]] 
* [[w:Adam Rodriguez|Adam Rodriguez]] - [[w:Jesse Ramirez|Jesse Ramirez]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia|Roswell (TV Series)}} &lt;!-- optional --&gt;
{{wikipedia|Roswell High}} 
* {{imdb title|tt0201391|Roswell}}
* [http://crashdown.com/episodes Crashdown.com Episodes transcripts]

[[Category:1990s American science fiction TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American science fiction TV shows]]
[[Category:1990s American teen drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American teen drama TV shows]]
[[Category:WB shows]]
[[Category:UPN shows]]
[[Category:Television programs based on novels]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>The Brady Bunch</title>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-26T21:19:06Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
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      <text bytes="73929" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:The Brady Bunch|The Brady Bunch]]''''' ([[1969]]–[[1974]]) was an American television situation comedy, airing on [[w:American Broadcasting System|ABC]], based around a large blended family. 

== Theme song ==
* Here's the story of a lovely lady&lt;br&gt;Who was bringing up three very lovely girls.&lt;br&gt;All of them had hair of gold, like their mother,&lt;br&gt;The youngest one in curls.&lt;p&gt;Here's the story, of a man named Brady,&lt;br&gt;Who was busy with three boys of his own,&lt;br&gt;They were four men, living all together,&lt;br&gt;Yet they were all alone.&lt;p&gt;Till the one day when the lady met this fellow,&lt;br&gt;And they knew it was much more than a hunch,&lt;br&gt;That this group would somehow form a family.&lt;br&gt;That's the way we all became the Brady Bunch.&lt;p&gt;The Brady Bunch, the Brady Bunch.&lt;br&gt;That's the way we became the Brady Bunch.

== Season 1 ==

=== ''The Honeymoon'' [1.1] ===
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Peter_Brady|Peter]]''': ''[to Mike]'' I once saw a movie where a man was getting married. He was so nervous he forgot to put his pants on.
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Bobby_Brady|Bobby]]''': ''[looks under the table]'' You’re OK, dad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Desk clerk''': Oh, Mr. Brady, you have signed this Mr. Brady, Mrs. Brady and family.
:'''Mike''': Hmm, I forgot. It’s force of habit. Kids aren’t with us. 
:'''Desk clerk''': But you did ask for the honeymoon suite. 
:'''Carol''': Oh, it’s quite alright Mr. Pringle. You see … 
:'''Mike''': ''[interrupts her]'' It’s quite alright darling. No need to explain. It’s obvious that this gentleman doesn’t dig the modern generation.

=== ''Dear Libby'' [1.2] ===
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Cindy_Brady|Cindy]]''': You cheated.
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Bobby_Brady|Bobby]]''': I did not. And besides: You didn’t see me.
:'''Cindy''': I did too!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Carol_Brady|Carol]]''': I don’t hear anything 
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Mike_Brady|Mike]]''': What’s the matter with that? 
:'''Carol''': Six kids and no noise. That’s what’s the matter with that… I’ve never heard such a loud silence.

=== ''Eenie, Meenie, Mommy, Daddy'' [1.3] ===
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Alice_Nelson|Alice]]''': Anyone offering a trip to Europe for the right answer?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': ''[as she picks off flower petals]'' Eenie, Meenie, Mommy, Daddy. 

=== ''Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore'' [1.4] ===
:'''[[w:Characters of The Brady Bunch#Mike Brady|Mike]]''': It's just not gonna be the same without Alice.
:'''[[w:Characters of The Brady Bunch#Greg Brady|Greg]]''': Well, we can't make her stay. Abraham Lincoln put a stop to that.

=== ''Katchoo'' [1.5] ===
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Carol_Brady|Carol]]''': I'm afraid we were going to get rid of daddy!

=== ''A Clubhouse Is Not a Home'' [1.6] ===
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Mike_Brady|Mike]]''': Well then?
:'''[[w:Characters_of The_Brady_Bunch#Greg_Brady|Greg]]''': We're sick of doing all these things.
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Peter_Brady|Peter]]''': Do this, do that, they're a real pain.
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Bobby_Brady|Bobby]]''': Yeah, they're too bossy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Bobby and Cindy are fighting because Cindy took Bobby's Little Owl outfit and wore it.]''
:'''Bobby''': You better take that off before I count to three! ''[counts]'' One..! 
:'''Cindy''': I bet you can't even count to three! 
:'''Bobby''': ''[counts]'' Two...!
:'''Cindy''': You don't scare me!
:'''Bobby''': ''[counts]'' Two and a half...!
:'''Alice''': ''[to Bobby]'' Hey, hey! What is this arithmetic about?
:'''Bobby''': ''[to Alice]'' If she does not take that off, I am going to scalp her!
:'''Alice''': Why?
:'''Bobby''': Because she is wearing my outfit! I am Little Owl, not her!

=== ''Kitty Karry-All Is Missing'' [1.7] ===
:''[Cindy's doll has gone missing and she blames Bobby]''
:'''Greg''': Come on, Bobby, you can tell us.
:'''Bobby''': What?
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Peter_Brady|Peter]]''': Where did you hide Cindy's doll?
:'''Bobby''': I didn't hide it, like I told Mom.
:'''Peter''': Honest?
:'''Bobby''': Honest.
:'''Greg''': Would you swear to it? The sacred oath?
:'''Bobby''': Even the sacred oath.
:'''Peter''': Boy, that proves he didn't take it. No sir!
:''[In girls' room]''
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Marcia_Brady|Marcia]]''': Are you sure Bobby took her?
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Cindy_Brady|Cindy]]''': Sure I am, he said he hated Kitty!
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Jan_Brady|Jan]]''': I heard him say it lots of times.
:'''Cindy''': ''[crying]'' And she doesn't even have her bottle, she'll starve to death!
:'''Marcia''': Come on. ''[takes Cindy's hand]''
:'''Cindy''': Where are we going?
:'''Marcia''': We're gonna get that doll back.
:'''Jan''': Yeah. ''[They leave for boys' room]''
:''[Back in boys' room]''
:'''Peter''': If Bobby didn't take it, Cindy shouldn't say he did.
:'''Greg''': Right. Come on, she can't accuse him and get away with it. ''[They leave for girls' room]''
:''[Girls enter the boys' room]''
:'''Marcia''': Bobby, you give Kitty back or... ''[they realize room is empty]''
:''[Boys enter the girls' room]''
:'''Greg''': Now listen here, Cindy, you... ''[they realize room is empty, Greg turns towards the open bathroom door]'' Come on.
:''[The children meet in the bathroom]'' 
:'''Marcia''': Bobby, you give Kitty back!
:'''Greg''': You stop picking on him!
:'''Jan''': What did you do with her?
:'''Peter''': He didn't do anything with her!
:'''Cindy''': He did too!
:'''Bobby''': I did not!
:'''Marcia''': You did so!
:'''Greg''': He did not so!
:'''Marcia''': Oh yeah?
:'''Greg''': Yeah!
:''[Mike and Carol enter]''
:'''Mike''': Hey, hey, hey, what's going on in here?
:''[The kids argue]''
:'''Mike''': Hold it! Will somebody fill me in?
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Carol_Brady|Carol]]''': Well, Cindy's doll is missing, and the girls think Bobby took it.
:'''Mike''': Well, Bobby?
:'''Bobby''': I didn't take it!
:'''Marcia''': He did too!
:'''Greg''': He did not!
:''[The kids argue]''
:'''Mike''': ''CUT!'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike is explaining circumstantial evidence]''
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Bobby_Brady|Bobby]]''': Circum-special?
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Mike_Brady|Mike]]''': No, circumstantial. It means things look different than they really are.
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Cindy_Brady|Cindy]]''': You mean like when a lady puts on false eyelashes?

=== ''A-Camping We Will Go'' [1.8] ===
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Bobby_Brady|Bobby]]''': Well I guess women are okay for some things.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Bradys will all go on their first camping trip together]''
:'''Marcia''': But mother, us on a camping trip? We've told you it's way worse than death!
:'''Jan''': Do you expect me to sleep in a tent?
:'''Cindy''': With wild animals?
:'''Carol''': Girls, we're not going to Africa. We're just going camping.
:'''Marcia''': And camping is for boys!
:'''Carol''': Camping is for boys ''and girls''. Why, it's so much fun falling asleep on the ground.
:'''Jan''': On the ground, all those beetles are crawling around. Yuck! 
:'''Cindy''': Yeah, yuck!
:'''Carol''': Why, you haven't got the faintest idea how delightful it is out there under the stars, being lulled to sleep by the sound of crickets, and then awakening in the morning to the smell of bacon frying over an open fire.
:'''Marcia''': How many times have you been camping, Mom?
:'''Carol''': Well, never, but I've heard about it.
:'''Jan''': And I've heard about it, too, and you can count me out. ''[collapses on the bed]''
:'''Carol''': You are counted in, young lady. We have three new brothers and a new father, and if they like camping, we like camping. Now, there'll be no more discussion about it; the decision has been made.

=== ''Sorry, Right Number'' [1.9] ===

:''[Carol slams down a sand timer — or hourglass timer — in front of Greg who is on the phone.]''
:'''Greg''': ''[to Harvey]'' Hang on a minute. ''[to Mike and Carol]'' What gives?
:'''Carol''': That is how long you are allowed on the phone. And when the sand runs out, it is &quot;Goodbye Charlie&quot;.
:'''Greg''': I am talking to Harvey.
:'''Mike''': Then it's &quot;Goodbye Harvey&quot;!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marcia''': We don't want a payphone! You can't lie on the floor and talk.
:'''Mike''': That'll make your calls shorter, won't it?
:'''Greg''': Suppose we promise to be more careful. 
:''[Mike turns to Greg.]''
:'''Mike''': Sorry, son. We've tried discussion, we've tried egg timers, we've even tried threats. Nothing worked. 
:'''Carol''': You're right, Greg. 
:'''Mike''': Now you use the pay phone.
:'''Marcia''': But Dad...!
:'''Mike''': Sorry, Marcia. But maybe this is going to solve the problem. Dismissed!

=== ''Every Boy Does It Once'' [1.10] ===
:'''Peter''': I'm sorry, I won't tell anybody!
:'''Greg''': Won't tell what?
:'''Peter''': I told you, I can't tell you! I promised Bobby, the only reason he told me is, cause I'm his brother.
:'''Greg''': Well, so am I, dummy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Nobody said goodbye to me or anything, and I didn't think they cared.
:'''Carol''': Oh sweetheart, everybody cares. And I bet you your baseball cards you can't guess who cares the most.
:'''Bobby''': You? ''[Carol nods]'' Even though I'm only a step?
:'''Carol''': Listen, the only steps in this house are those... ''[shows Bobby the stairs]'' ...the ones that lead up to your bedroom. So how about marching right back up there?
:'''Bobby''': Hey Dad, Mom and me are back home again!
:'''Mike''': Good, cause that's where you both belong!

=== ''Vote for Brady'' [1.11] ===

:''[About the election. This involves the other kids — Peter, Bobby, Jan, and Cindy.]''
:'''Bobby''': Greg might probably beat her anyway!
:'''Cindy''': YOU SAY THAT ONCE MORE AND I AM GOING TO BOP YOU!

=== ''The Voice of Christmas'' [1.12] ===
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Alice_Nelson|Alice]]''': You're guaranteed to be cured in 24 hours.
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Carol_Brady|Carol]] (raspy voice) ''': 24 hours!!?
:'''Alice''': Unless you break out in a rash. Then you take it off.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Greg_Brady|Greg]]''': Now, don't let the girls catch you hiding these.
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Bobby_Brady|Bobby]]''': If they catch me, should I eat the present?
:'''Peter''': Eat it! ''[to Greg]'' He's been watching too many of those spy programs.

=== ''Is There a Doctor in the House?'' [1.13] ===

:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Alice_Nelson|Alice]]''': You got everything here?
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Carol_Brady|Carol]]''': Well, I think so. Six luncheon trays, five comic books, four jigsaw puzzles,... ''[sings to the tune of &quot;The 12 Days of Christmas&quot;]''
:''Three magic tricks,''
:''Two ice cream bars,''
:'''Carol and Mike''': ''[sing]'' ''And one cow bell!''
:'''Greg''': Sure great how some people can sing while other people are dying!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Greg complains about his lunch]''
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Mike_Brady|Mike]]''': That's a feast fit for a king!
:'''Greg''': Well then give it to the king and give me some baloney!

=== ''Father of the Year'' [1.14] ===
:''[After Marcia ignored the extra chores just to work on her essay.]''
:'''Mike''': Marcia? Those chores were your punishment. Unless you can explain why you ignored them, I am going to have to be a little more severe.
:'''Marcia''': But I can't explain. Not right now.
:'''Mike''': Very well then. 
:''[Mike starts a severe punishment — but not a very severe one yet. This — on Marcia — is a little severe.]''
:'''Mike''': I am going to ground you for one week. No playground or friends's houses. And when you come home from school, you are to go straight to your room.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[When Marcia went outside — in the middle of the night — to mail the letter and climbed back up the trellis.]''
:'''Carol''': Jan? 
:''[Carol wakes up Jan.]''
:'''Carol''': ''[to Jan]'' Where is Marcia?
:'''Jan''': I don't know.
:''[Marcia looks to be gone. But the scene cuts to the window and Marcia climbs up the trellis to her room.]''
:'''Marcia''': ''[at the window, from the trellis, and to Carol]'' Here I am, Mommy. 
:'''Carol''': Marcia...!? What on earth!?
:''[Mike drags Marcia back inside and closes the window — immediately leading her back in the house.]''
:'''Mike''': Where were you? 
:'''Marcia''': Mailing a letter.
:'''Mike''': AT THIS HOUR!? Down the trellis? You could have broken your neck!
:'''Marcia''': I had to mail the letter.
:'''Carol''': Why?
:'''Marcia''': I can't say. 
:'''Mike''': Marcia...? 
:''[Mike sighs.]'' 
:'''Mike''': Marcia, I have given you every chance possible. Now you leave me with no alternative. 
:''[Finally, Mike starts up a really, very, very, severe punishment on Marcia.]''
:'''Mike''': We are all going skiing this weekend — all except you.
:'''Carol''': Your father is right. You are going to just have to stay at home with your grandparents.

=== ''54-40 and Fight'' [1.15] ===

:''[About the closure announcement of the Checker Trading Stamps store.]''
:'''Alice''': WRONG!
:''[Mike looks at the newspaper — or press release — about the store ceasing store operations.]''
:'''Mike''': Uh oh! Wrong it is! 
:'''Carol''': What? What is it? 
:''[Mike shows her the paper.]''
:'''Carol''': ''[she also reads the paper too]'' Oh no! This family better make up its mind and quick! If they don't, it will be no longer possible to purchase premiums!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Cindy_Brady|Cindy]]''': Me first!
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Bobby_Brady|Bobby]]''': Why you?
:'''Cindy''': 'Cause I'm a lady!
:'''Bobby''': Aaaawwhhhh.
:'''Cindy''': I ''am'' a lady, if you say I'm not, I'll bop you!

=== ''Mike's Horror-Scope'' [1.16] ===
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Carol_Brady|Carol]]''': ''[to Beebe after Bobby and Cindy's fight ends up in her being squirted in the face with a squirt gun]'' ...they didn't mean any harm...!
:'''Beebe''': Neither did Frankenstein! 

=== ''The Undergraduate'' [1.17] ===
:'''Mike''': Jungle fever is going around too but not in this neighborhood

=== ''Tiger, Tiger!'' [1.18] ===

=== ''The Big Sprain'' [1.19] ===
:'''Greg''': ''[after he finds out that the chores are going to fall on him, Peter, Bobby, Marcia, Jan, and Cindy]'' But Dad, our team has practice work outs!  So we can stay in shape for the next game! 
:'''Mike''': I guarantee your coach you will stay in shape. 
:'''Marcia''': What about my music lessons?!
:'''Mike''': Well, you can hum a lot while you work.
:'''Jan''': No dance class?!
:'''Mike''': That is right. No dance class.
:'''Peter''': Dad? Would you believe that I would spend every afternoon studying at the library?
:'''Mike''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah, that is a great try Peter. And I would like to believe that. But it would boggle my mind.
:''[In addition, there is also no library for Peter. Then he turns to the other kids. He then turns to Bobby and Cindy.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[to Bobby and Cindy]'' Anyone else?
:'''Bobby''': I give up.
:'''Cindy''': Me too.
:'''Mike''': Good. ''[to all]'' Now that we understand each other, hit the sack. Starting with breakfast tomorrow, we get to work.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Greg''': Dad, I hate to interrupt you while you're on the phone, but...
:'''Mike''': ''[on the phone with Carol]'' No, no, honey. Listen, I mean it. I really mean it.
:'''Greg''': Peter's t-shirt got stuck in the vacuum.
:'''Carol''': What's all the commotion about?
:'''Mike''': Um, nothing. Me and the kids are just playing, that's all.
:'''Greg''': Peter's in the t-shirt!
:'''Mike''': What?

=== ''Brace Yourself'' [1.20] ===
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Marcia_Brady|Marcia]]''': ''[about her braces]'' Tell me the honest truth. Do I look funny?
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Cindy_Brady|Cindy]]''': Of course not, Marcia. You look beautiful.
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Jan_Brady|Jan]]''': Thanks, Cindy!
:'''Cindy''': But how do you get the toothpaste through all that barbed wire?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jan''': ''[when Cindy is about to go into the bathroom]'' Marcia's in there.
:'''Cindy''': Daddy said to act natural — and I always barge in on Marcia when she's in the bathroom!

=== ''The Hero'' [1.21] ===
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Alice_Nelson|Alice]]''': ''[to the deliveryman]'' You keep calling me sweetie, gorgeous &amp; beautiful, and I'll follow you anywhere!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jason''': Sorry, I can't make it. I have my piano lessons.
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Peter_Brady|Peter]]''': I didn't know you knew how to play the piano.
:'''Jason''': I don't. That's why I gotta take lessons.

=== ''The Possible Dream'' [1.22] ===
:'''Marcia''': [Marcia lost her Diary and is accusing one of the boys of taking it] Okay, if you hand it right over, I won't press charges 
:'''Greg''':  What are you talking about? 
:'''Marcia''':  As if you didn't know. 
:'''Peter''':  Bobby, do you know what she's talking about? 
:'''Bobby''':  No. Greg, do you know what she's talking about? 
:'''Greg''':  No. Marcia, do you know what you're talking about? 
:'''Marcia''':  I certainly do! Someone in this room took my diary. 
:'''Greg''':  Your diary, you mean you actually keep one of those stupid things? 
:'''Bobby''': What's a diary? 
:'''Peter''': It's a book, that you write things in, that you don't want anyone else to read. 
:'''Bobby''': Why? 
:'''Greg''': So, you could write stuff like... 
:'''Greg''': [Greg then sits at his desk imitating Marcia writing in her diary] &quot;Dear diary, at last I met him, my dream man. It was at the delicatessen and our fingers tingled as we reached for the same potato salad.&quot;

=== ''To Move or Not to Move'' [1.23] ===
:'''Carol''': ''[about the strange noises]'' It's probably just the wind against the shutters.
:'''Alice''': That would be a good guess, Mrs. Brady... if there was a wind... or we had shutters.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Bert Grossman''': ''[trying to explain the strange noises]'' It was probably just the wind through the willow grove.
:''[the noises start again]''
:'''Mrs. Hunsacker''': That was no wind through a willow grove.
:'''Bert Grossman''': Would you believe steeple chimes?

=== ''The Grass is Always Greener'' [1.24] ===

=== ''Lost Locket, Found Locket'' [1.25] === 
:''[During the re-enactment of the locket's disappearance; Bobby got back in bed]''
:'''Bobby''': Can I spit out my toothpaste? 
:'''Greg''': Why didn't you spit it out in the bathroom? 
:'''Bobby''': You said we had to just what we did before. I didn't spit then now cause I didn't spit then. And you know somethin'? 
:'''Greg''': What? 
:'''Bobby''': It's hard to talk with your mouth full of toothpaste.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''': The suspense is killing me!
:'''Bobby''': So is the toothpaste!

== Season 2 ==
=== ''The Dropout'' [2.1] ===

=== ''The Babysitters'' [2.2] ===
:'''Mike''': Gas. Did we turn the gas off?
:'''Marcia''': Dad, our stove is electric!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marcia''': A babysitter?!
:'''Greg''': For us?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In the meeting — about the babysitters being Greg and Marcia for Peter, Bobby, Jan, and Cindy.]''
:'''Carol''': ''[she thinks Cindy has a cold]''   Cindy? Are you coming down with the sniffles?
:'''Cindy''': If I am, I do not want Greg or Marcia blowing on my nose. I can do it myself.

=== ''The Slumber Caper'' [2.3] ===

:''[Marcia is in the principal's office.]''
:'''Mr. Randolph''': ''[reveals a piece of drawing paper and to Marcia about it]'' Mrs. Denton found this while she was tidying up the classroom. Please take a look at it.
:''[He hands Marcia the paper. The paper shows a drawing of either George Washington, Mrs. Denton, or a hippopotamus.]''
:'''Marcia''': ''[reading the paper]'' &quot;Mrs. Denton or a hippopotamus&quot;? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[About the cancellation of the sleepover — slumber party.]''
:'''Carol''': ''[to Marcia]'' As much as we hate to do it Marcia, I’m afraid you can’t have your sleepover.
:'''Marcia''': ''[in between tears and before crying]'' MY PARTY?!
:'''Mike''': Honey? That drawing might have seemed funny at the time. But you just must have respect for your teachers.
:'''Marcia''': ''[crying]'' But I didn’t do it! I didn’t write Mrs. Denton’s name on it, or that stupid remark!
:'''Carol''': Your principal said you did honey. And he’s a very responsible man. He wouldn’t punish you for nothing.
:'''Marcia''': ''[crying]'' You mean, you would rather believe him than me!
:'''Mike''': Marcia? What you did, that paper was in your desk. And it had your name on it. Well, what else could Mr. Randolph think?
:'''Marcia''': ''[crying]'' You don’t believe me either! And if you don’t, I don’t want a party, or anything ever from you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While Jan, Cindy, and the other girls are upstairs washing off the itching powder the boys put in their pajamas and sleeping bags.]''
:'''Paula''': It itches, but it’s kind of funny. I like jokes. What about the one we pulled on Mrs. Denton?
:'''Marcia''': We?
:'''Paula''': Yeah, you drew the picture and I wrote the funny line. You know about the hippo?
:'''Marcia''': You did that?
:'''Paula''': Yeah, didn’t you think it was funny?
:'''Marcia''': Funny?! I got punished for that!
:'''Paula''': Punished? You did?
:'''Marcia''': I have to stay after school for a whole week now! I almost didn’t have this sleepover because of what you wrote!

=== ''The Un-Underground Movie'' [2.4] ===
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Greg_Brady|Greg]]''': Peter, snow!

=== ''Going, Going... Steady'' [2.5] ===

=== ''Call Me Irresponsible'' [2.6] ===

=== ''The Treasure of Sierra Avenue'' [2.7] ===
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Cindy_Brady|Cindy]]''': ''[in a fake-friendly tone]'' Want a piece of licorice?
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Bobby_Brady|Bobby]]''': Yeah!
:'''Cindy''': ''[in mean voice]'' '''I BET YOU DO! (AND YOU GET ONLY ONE BITE!)'''
:''[Cindy runs away with her red licorice.]''

=== ''A Fistful of Reasons'' [2.8] ===
:'''Buddy Hinton''': Baby talk, baby talk, it's the wonder you can walk.
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Cindy_Brady|Cindy]]''': You stop that Buddy Hinton!
:'''Buddy Hinton''': Stop that! Oh witty bitty baby talk. There is no witty bitty baby talk say something. Come on, say something.
:'''Peter''': ''[witnesses it and intervenes]'' Cut that out, Buddy!
:'''Buddy Hinton''': Baby, baby, what did you say?
:'''Peter''': Quit teasing my sister!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike's voice''' [''inside his head while standing toe-to-toe with Ralph Hinton'']: I'm just going to reason with him. Reasoning; calm, cool reasoning.
:'''Mike''': Oh, shut up!
:...
:'''Carol's voice''' [''inside her head while talking with Mrs. Hinton'']: Women are different, we'll just sit calmly and work everything out.
:'''Carol''': Oh, shut up!

=== ''The Not So Ugly-Duckling'' [2.9] ===

=== ''The Tattletale'' [2.10] ===
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady-Bunch#Carol_Brady|Carol]]''': Strain a guppy out of his fish tank?
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Greg_Brady|Greg]]''': Tattletale!
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Mike_Brady|Mike]]''': All right, that's enough.
:'''[[w:Cindy_Brady|Cindy]]''': But I didn't do anything wrong. Peter stained the guppy.
:'''Mike''': All right what Peter did was wrong and what you did was wrong, too. You know that's none of your business. Your tattling is not right and could get other people into trouble.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Bobby_Brady|Bobby]]''': I'm not lending everything to a snitcher!
:'''Cindy''': I'm not a snitcher. I just tell it like it is.
:'''Bobby''': Well I'm not lending you my skate key after the way you squealed on Greg and Peter!
:'''Cindy''': Okay, I'll tell what you did yesterday.
:'''Bobby''': You little fink!

=== ''What Goes Up...'' [2.11] ===
:''[Carol, Alice and Cindy are looking after Bobby]''
:'''Alice''': ''[brings another pillow to rest Bobby's leg]'' If you ask me, I think it's a miracle.
:'''Carol''': Yes, that he only sprained his ankle.
:'''Alice''': No, I meant that it's a miracle that you have a doctor that makes house calls.
:'''Cindy''': He didn't even ask Bobby to stick out his tongue and say &quot;Ah&quot;.
:'''Alice''': Well, that's just when you sprain the tonsil. Come on, Florence Nightingale, you can help me in the kitchen, making hospital corners on the napkins.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike got Bobby a parakeet]''
:'''Peter''': Boy, a parakeet just for a sprained ankle. Can I get an alligator if I broke my leg?
:'''Mike''': No, so don't try it.

=== ''Confessions, Confessions'' [2.12] ===
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Greg_Brady|Greg]]''': '''MOM'S FAVORITE VASE!'''
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Bobby_Brady|Bobby]]''': She always says don't play ball in the house.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': Well, we have five suspects and five confessions.
:'''Carol''': Correction. Six suspects. And #6 is looking forward to an overnight camping trip this Saturday.
:'''Mike''': By Jove, Holmes, you’ve deduced that young Peter Brady did it.
:'''Carol''': Elementary, my dear Watson, the five who confessed are covering up for the sixth who didn’t.
:'''Mike''': Right. And if Peter is guilty, then the other kids are accessories to the crime.
:'''Carol''': Well, what are we gonna do about it, Mike?
:'''Mike''': Why not we play along with their little game and punish everybody who confessed?
:'''Carol''': ''[gasps]'' What? And allow Peter to get away with it? 
:'''Mike''': Honey, Peter is not going to get away with it. His conscience is not going to let him. 
:''[The scene cuts to the living room]''
:'''Peter''': Does anybody know why Dad called this meeting?
:'''Marcia''': I do. He's gonna tell everybody I broke the vase. I confessed.
:'''Greg''': Oh, no.
:'''Marcia''': Well, somebody had to take the blame.
:'''Greg''': I told Mom I did it.
:'''Bobby''': Me too.
:'''Jan''': Thud. 
:''[Jan collapses on the chair.]''
:'''Bobby''': You too? 
:''[Jan nods.]''
:'''Cindy''': I guess we all confessed.
:'''Peter''': I didn’t.
:'''Greg''': You didn’t.
:'''Peter''': ''[angry]'' I wanted to in the first place! But you guys drained up this whole thing!
:'''Marcia''': Peter’s right. We’re as much to blame for this as he is.
:''[Jan hears Mike and Carol come in.]''
:'''Jan''': Shh! Here they come.
:'''Cindy''': I think we’re all gonna get it now.
:''[Mike and Carol enter]''
:'''Mike''': One of you broke your mother's vase. But five of you claimed that you did it. 
:'''Carol''': There seems to be a slight communication gap in this family.
:'''Mike''': Look! No matter who broke it, the others of you who confessed are just as guilty for hiding the truth. And I’m afraid you’re all going to have to be punished.

=== ''The Impractical Joker'' [2.13] ===

=== ''Where There's Smoke'' [2.14] ===
:'''Tommy Johnson''': Hey man, they're just plain cigarettes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Cindy_Brady|Cindy]]''': Greg's smoking.

=== ''Will the Real Jan Brady Please Stand Up?'' [2.15] ===

:'''Wig seller (Guest star Marcia Wallace)''': Ah, that’s our ‘Midnight Temptress’ wig. 
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Jan_Brady|Jan]]''': ‘Midnight Temptress’, huh? Well, I don’t think I’ll be out that late.

=== ''The Drummer Boy'' [2.16] ===

:''[Peter, Jan and Cindy are practising &quot;The Bonnie Banks o' Loch Lomond&quot; for the glee club]''
:'''Cindy''': By yon bonnie banks
:'''Peter, Jan''': And by yon bonnie braes
:''[Bobby's drum solo chimes in]''
:'''Peter, Jan, Cindy''': Where the sun shines bright on Loch Lomond
:'''Cindy''': How are we supposed to practice?
:'''Peter''': You can hear these drums all the way to Loch Lomond.
:'''Jan''': Right now I wish Bobby was in the glee club.
:'''Peter''': I wish he was in Loch Lomond.

=== ''Coming Out Party'' [2.17] ===

=== ''Our Son, The Man'' [2.18] ===
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Greg_Brady|Greg]]''': Remember Dad, we're talking man-to-man, not kid-to-man man-to-man, but man-to-man, man-to-man.

=== ''The Liberation of Marcia Brady'' [2.19] ===
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Peter_Brady|Peter]]''': I am a little Sunflower; sunny, brave and true. From tiny bud to blossom, I do good deeds for you.

=== ''Lights Out'' [2.20] ===

=== ''The Winner'' [2.21] ===

=== ''Doubled Parked'' [2.22] ===

=== ''Alice's September Song'' [2.23] ===

=== ''Tell It Like It Is'' [2.24] ===
:'''Peter''': A neck tie!?
:'''Greg''': Sure Pete. When your famous you cant look like a slob.
:'''Bobby''': Does that mean you have to wear clean socks too?
:'''Greg''': ''[ignoring Bobby]'' There, now how I look?
:'''Peter''': Like a slob with a tie!

==Season 3==
=== ''Ghost Town U.S.A'' [3.1] ===

=== ''Grand Canyon or Bust'' [3.2] ===

=== ''The Brady Braves'' [3.3] ===

=== ''The Wheeler Dealer'' [3.4] ===
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Mike_Brady|Mike]]''': A gentle reminder, my boy: your name is Brady, not Onassis.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Greg has just received his drivers license and wants to buy a car of his own]''
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Carol_Brady|Carol]]''': I don't have to be logical; I'm a mother.
:'''Mike''': Well, I think you're worrying prematurely because by the time Greg gets enough money for the kind of car he wants, the 1999 models are gonna be here.
:'''Carol''': Oh no, he wants to buy a car right now.
:'''Mike''': Look, he's only got $100, he's not gonna be satisfied with anything he can get for that.
:'''Carol''': Just $100?
:'''Mike''': Yes, and delusions of grandeur. What kind of a car could he get for $100?
:''(Cut to Greg's friend Eddie trying to sell him a beat-up 1956 Chevrolet Bel Air convertible, with a &quot;FOR SALE LIKE NEW&quot; sign on the windshield)''
:'''Eddie''': She's a beauty, ain't she, Greg? I'm only selling her because I need a fast $100. You know, I got 5 or 6 guys just waiting to buy this baby, but it's such a good deal, I wanted a friend to have it first.
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Greg_Brady|Greg]]''': Thanks, Eddie. I appreciate that. There's an awful lot of chrome missing up and down here, and all these dents.
:'''Eddie''': What chrome missing? I've got it right here, you just straighten it out. (''Shows Greg some chrome strips on the backseat'') As for these dents, take it to the auto shop at school, they'll pound them right out for you.
:''[Greg tries to open the door, it's stuck]''
:'''Eddie''': So it sticks a little! When you own a convertible, you don't use doors, you just jump right in. (''Jumps into the car'') Sports car, right?
:'''Greg''': Right! 
:'''Eddie''': But if you want to do it the regular way, it does work. (''Kicks the door open with his foot'') You see?
:'''Greg''': Eddie, look at this big hole in the backseat!
:'''Eddie''': What hole? A little rip. Just sew it up, only a dime for needle and thread. Listen to this horn. (''Honks'') The windshield wipers work, the radio...
:'''Greg''': Can I hear the engine?
:'''Eddie''': Sure, Purrs like a kitten. ''[Starts the engine, running at very loud noise and backfires, causing the car to vibrate]'' Runs a little rough until she warms up, then she's great!
:'''Greg''': Yeah, I can feel it.
:'''Eddie''': ''[Turns off the engine]'' The idle just needs to be adjusted. All this baby needs is a little bit of work.
:'''Greg''': Eddie, I don't know.
:'''Eddie''': Greg, for $100 and a little bit of work, you got yourself a car that's worth maybe $500.
:'''Greg''': Think all it will take is a little work?
:'''Eddie''': Positive. Tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna throw in a repair manual, absolutely free. With this, a 10-year old could fix her up!
:'''Greg''': I told my Dad I'd let him look at anything I bought first.
:'''Eddie''': What time is it, Greg?
:'''Greg''': ''[Looks at his watch]'' It's 3.20. Why?
:'''Eddie''': Car's gonna be gone by the time you get your dad here. I got a guy coming in 10 minutes, and with him it's a sure sale. (''Puts the &quot;FOR SALE LIKE NEW&quot; sign back on the windshield'')
:'''Greg''': Eddie, I don't know.
:'''Eddie''': Greg, it's a great deal. Or would you rather wait 5 or 6 years for a set of wheels?

=== ''My Sister, Benedict Arnold'' [3.5] ===
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Greg_Brady|Greg]]''' ''[Describing Warren Mulaney to Marcia]'': He's at the top of my crumb list!  In fact, he's at the bottom of my crumb list, too.  And he's every crumb in-between.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Peter_Brady|Peter]]''': When are you going to grow up?
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Bobby_Brady|Bobby]]''': When I get older.

=== ''The Personality Kid'' [3.6] ===
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Peter_Brady|Peter]]''' ''[Impersonating Humphrey Bogart]'': Porkchops and applesauce, that's swell!

=== ''Juliet Is The Sun'' [3.7] ===
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Marcia_Brady|Marcia]]''': One line. It's different with me. I'm a star.
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Jan_Brady|Jan]]''': ''[to Marcia]'' Well lah-de-dah!
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Cindy_Brady|Cindy]]''': What does that mean?
:'''Jan''': It means that Marcia's being a pain in the neck.
:'''Cindy''': Oh, ''[to Marcia]'' well lah-de-dah!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Marcia is in her room combing her hair when Carol comes in to speak to her.]''
:'''Carol''': Marcia?
:'''Marcia''': Yes, Mother?
:'''Carol''': I sent the final program to the printers this afternoon.
:'''Marcia''': I wish Harold’s name wasn’t in it, he was awful at rehearsal today.
:'''Carol''': Well Marcia, I’m afraid your name is not going to be in it.
:'''Marcia''': What do you mean?
:'''Carol''': I was at the rehearsal this afternoon.
:'''Marcia''': You were?
:'''Carol''': Afterwards Mrs. Goodwin and I talked. And we have decided that for the good of the play — and for your own good — she is going to have to replace you.
:'''Marcia''': Replace me?
:'''Carol''': Yes. Your understudy is going to play Juliet.
:'''Marcia''': Tina!? But I’m better than her!
:'''Carol''': Marcia? It has nothing to do with you being better. It’s your attitude.
:'''Marcia''': What do you mean my attitude?
:'''Carol''': Well, you’ve become rude to your friends and siblings! You’ve become impossible to live with!
:'''Marcia''': ''[flustered, in between tears, and before crying]'' Mom...! That is so unfair!
:'''Carol''': Marcia, I’m not blaming you. It’s not all your fault. We encouraged you. But you let it go to your head.
:'''Marcia''': ''[on the verge of tears]'' You do not understand, Mom!
:'''Carol''': Marcia, I do understand. But you brought all of this on yourself. I’m sorry.
:''[Carol leaves the room. Marcia bitterly breaks down and cries.]''
:'''Marcia''': ''[crying]'' '''MOM!'''

=== ''And Now a Word From Our Sponsor'' [3.8] ===

=== ''The Private Ear'' [3.9] ===
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Bobby_Brady|Bobby]]''': You did!
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Cindy_Brady|Cindy]]''': I didn't!
:'''Bobby''': You did too!
:'''Cindy''': I did not!
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Greg_Brady|Greg]]''': Hey, what are you two arguing about?
:'''Bobby''': Well, you might wanna know, she told everyone else. I got called into the principal's office for chewing gum in class!

=== ''Her Sister's Shadow'' [3.10] ===
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Jan_Brady|Jan]]''': Well, all I hear all day long at school is how great Marcia is at this how wonderful Marcia did that.  Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!

=== ''Click'' [3.11] ===

=== ''Getting Davy Jones'' [3.12] ===
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Peter Brady|Peter]]''' (''to Marcia''): I got it!  Take this down. 'To Davy Jones.  Dear Sir, you have just won a 10 million dollar sweepstakes.  For information, contact Marcia Brady at...'
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Greg Brady|Greg]]''': What's that got to do with singing at the prom?
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Peter Brady|Peter]]''': Nothing, but it would sure get his attention.

=== ''The Not-So-Rose-Colored Glasses'' [3.13] ===

:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Jan_Brady|Jan]]''': Glasses?  Oh no, Mom, not glasses.  I'll look positively goofy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': Jan?
:''[He sits Jan down at the kitchen table for a talking-to.]''
:'''Mike''': Sit down, honey. Jan? Is there something you must explain to me? 
:'''Jan''': What Dad?
:'''Mike''': Well, when we had that picture taken, you didn’t have your glasses yet.
:'''Jan''': I didn't?
:'''Mike''': No, you didn't. That cannot be the same picture. Can it?
:'''Jan''': It isn’t, Dad. But it wasn’t the other kids’ fault. I ruined the first one because I wasn’t wearing my glasses. I ran into it on my bike in the garage.
:'''Mike''': Jan? You are very lucky you ran into the picture. You would've ran into something much worse — like a car. 
:'''Jan''': I’m sorry, Dad. I’ll wear my glasses from now on whenever I’m supposed to, I promise.
:'''Mike''': Oh yeah? Well, for a little reminder, I am afraid I am going to have to ground you. For two weeks, no bicycle. 
:'''Jan''': Can you make it something else? You can’t ground me from riding my bicycle!
:'''Mike''': Oh yes. I am afraid that I can. 
:'''Jan''': Well, you see, I do not have a bicycle anymore. I sold it to pay for the new photograph.
:'''Mike''': Well, okay. I guess that is punishment enough.

=== ''The Teeter Totter Caper'' [3.14] ===

=== ''Big Little Man'' [3.15] ===
:'''Bobby''': Mom, dad, it works! Stretching myself really works! I grew an inch and a half!
:'''Mike''': How much?
:'''Bobby''': A whole inch and a half!
:'''Carol''': Oh, honey, maybe you grew, but I don't think an inch and a half.
:'''Mike''': Not since yesterday.
:'''Bobby''': But I measured myself three times! A half inch, plus one whole inch!
:'''Cindy''': No, it's only a half an inch!
:'''Bobby''': How do you know it's only half an inch?
:'''Cindy''': Well...
:'''Mike''': Yeah, how do you know, Cindy?
:'''Cindy''': I made the mark a half inch lower, so that Bobby would think he grew!
:'''Mike''': Cindy!
:'''Cindy''': I'm sorry!
:'''Bobby''': Well, that's okay, I still grew an inch!
:'''Jan''': No, only half an inch.
:'''Carol''': You did the same thing too? ''[Jan nods]''
:'''Bobby''': Well, a half inch isn't bad.
:'''Marcia''': Bobby.
:'''Carol''': Oh, no.
:'''Marcia''': I guess we should have checked with each other.
:'''Bobby''': That's the dirtiest trick I've ever heard of! 
:''[Bobby runs off.]''
:'''Mike''': Bobby. They weren't trying to trick you. I don't think that what they did was right — 
:'''Carol''': They were only trying to help.
:'''Bobby''': They did it because they know it's true!
:'''Carol''': Now what's true?
:'''Bobby''': I'm a shrimpo, a peewee, I'll never grow another inch as long as I live! ''[runs up the stairs]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carol''': Hi, Bobby! Hey, wait a minute, your clothes! 
:''[Bobby turns around with a black eye.]'' 
:'''Carol''': Bobby, your eye! What in the world happened?
:'''Bobby''': I got in a fight with Tommy Huxley.
:'''Carol''': Tommy Huxley? He's twice as big as you are! Why doesn't he pick on somebody his own size?
:'''Bobby''': Well, I picked on him.
:'''Carol''': You started a fight? Why?
:'''Bobby''': Well, he was acting like a big shot.
:'''Carol''': Oh. Well, you weren't by any chance feeling like a little shot, were you?
:'''Bobby''': Well, I ''am'' a little shot, that all I'll ever be!
:'''Carol''': Oh, Bobby. Listen, you've heard about Napoleon Bonaparte, haven't you?
:'''Bobby''': Yeah, he's that funny guy that always walked around with his hand on his stomach.
:'''Carol''': Well, he was also a little guy. And he went around trying to prove how big he was by fighting everybody.
:'''Bobby''': Did he win?
:'''Carol''': Nope, just like you he got clobbered. So I really don't think that fighting is the answer. Do you, Bob?
:'''Bobby''': Not if you lose.

=== ''Dough-Re-Mi'' [3.16] ===
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Peter_Brady|Peter]]''': Cindy stuck her tongue out of me.
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Carol_Brady|Carol]]''': She's just a little girl.
:'''Peter''': She has an awfully big tongue.

=== ''Jan's Aunt Jenny'' [3.17] ===

=== ''The Big Bet'' [3.18] ===
:''[Greg is on the phone with Rachel --from his school.]''
:'''Greg''': Yeah Rachel, it’s great seeing you at school. But I still want to take you out. Well, what about a movie tomorrow night? Yeah, the drive-in. It’s a good double bill, uh, a science fiction and a western. Great, great, Rachel. Well, I’ll pick you up about 7. Bye.
:''[He hangs up and Bobby comes into the living room to boss Greg around again.]''
:'''Bobby''': Sounds good to me.
:'''Greg''': ''[annoyed]'' What sounds good to you?!
:'''Bobby''':  A double film.
:'''Greg''':  Exactly what does that mean?
:'''Bobby''':  I’m going with you.
:''[Greg gets up.]''
:'''Greg''':  ''[laughs sarcastically]'' '''HA!''' No way!
:'''Bobby''': Remember the bet?
:'''Greg''': ''[gets upset]'' '''I HAVE TAKEN OUT THE TRASH FOR YOU, I HAVE HOSED OFF THE PATIO, I HAVE SHINED YOUR SHOES, I HAVE MADE YOUR BED, AND I HAVE CLEANED YOUR BIKE! AND I EVEN LET YOU BEAT ME AT CHECKERS BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME TO! BUT THAT IS IT! THAT IS IT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND!?'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': It’s okay with me! I don’t mind if she comes along or not!
:'''Greg''': ''[angry and to Bobby]'' Listen Mr. Chin-Up King! I’ve done everything you asked, fair and square! But there is no way...! '''NO WAY...!''' ...that you are going on my date with Rachel! 
:''[The scene cuts to the drive-in]''
:'''Bobby''': ''[from the backseat]'' You're blocking my view!
:''[Greg and Rachel move apart.]'' 
:'''Bobby''': And I want some more popcorn.
:'''Greg''': You've already had three bags!
:'''Bobby''': Then I want pizza.
:'''Greg''': I'll be back in a minute, Rachel. 
:''[Greg gets out of the car to buy Bobby a slice of pizza.]''
:'''Bobby''': ''[Jumps into the front seat]'' Boy, you can really see better from up here.
:'''Rachel''': ''[Unenthused]'' Uh-huh.
:'''Bobby''': Neat movie, isn't it?
:'''Rachel''': Yeah, real neat.
:'''Bobby''': Having fun, huh?
:'''Rachel''': We're having a ball.
:'''Bobby''': You see, I told Greg if I came you wouldn't mind.
:'''Greg''': ''[to Bobby]'' Here's the pizza you ordered! And that's all of the food you get!  
:''[Greg angrily murmurs about the bet]''
:'''Greg''': ''[muttering]'' Our bet had nothing to do with me going broke!
:'''Rachel''': Greg, wouldn't it be nice if Bobby got in the backseat to eat his pizza?
:'''Greg''': Yes, that would be nice.
:'''Bobby''': Okay! ''[Greg closes the car door, accidentally hits the horn, shushes Bobby]'' I didn't do that! Want some pizza?
:'''Greg''': No!
:'''Bobby''': How about you, Rachel? It's real good, pepperoni and onions.
:'''Rachel''': No, no thank you.
:'''Bobby''': You guys don't know what you're missing!
:'''Greg''': We know what we're missing! ''[Attempts to embrace Rachel again]''
:'''Bobby''': You're blocking my view again!
:'''Greg''': Come on, Bobby, stop fooling around! You're not even watching the movie!
:'''Bobby''': Neither are you!
:'''Rachel''': I'll tell you what, why don't we all watch the movie.
:''[They watch the movie]''
:'''Bobby''': It's warm in here, put the top down.
:'''Greg''': Put the top — ? Now look, Bobby.
:'''Rachel''': You might as well do it, Greg.
:''[Greg puts the top down, causing several cars behind them to honk their horns because it's blocking their view]''
:''[Bobby opens an umbrella, holds it over their heads]''
:'''Greg''': What do you think you're doing?
:'''Bobby''': It might rain. You wouldn't want sweetiepie to get wet, would you?
:'''Greg''': Now you're just being a wiseguy. Put that umbrella away!
:'''Bobby''': I told you, it might rain!
:'''Greg''': Well, if it might rain, then I'm putting the top back up! ''[Retracts the roof, causing cars to honk again]''
:''[Bobby doesn't close his umbrella, causing the tip to tear a hole in the roof. He ends up sticking the umbrella through the roof, and keeps trying to pull it out. It gets stuck, he looks at Greg]''
:'''Greg''': Now you've done it! Wait till Dad sees this!

=== ''The Power of the Press'' [3.19] ===

=== ''Sergeant Emma'' [3.20] ===

=== ''Cindy Brady, Lady'' [3.21] ===

=== ''My Fair Opponent'' [3.22] ===

=== ''The Fender Benders'' [3.23] ===
:'''Mike''': ...Smashed rear taillight, crushed fender, replace muffler, repaint left side...REALIGN THE FRAMES! HOW MUCH!
:'''Mr. Dougan''': $295.11. Of course, there are some other minor things that I don't mind taking care of myself.
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Carol_Brady|Carol]]''': What? Refurnishing your house?!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Mike this just isn't true.
:'''Mr. Dougan''': Mrs. Brady, are you suggesting that I am lying?
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Carol_Brady|Carol]]''': And very badly too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Dougan''': I'll see you in court!
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Carol_Brady|Carol]]''': My pleasure!

==Season 4==
=== ''Hawaii Bound'' [4.1] ===
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Peter_Brady|Peter]]''': That's Diamond Head, dumb head.

=== ''Pass the Tabu'' [4.2] ===
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Peter_Brady|Peter]]''': Bad luck, come and get me.

=== ''The Tiki Caves'' [4.3] ===

=== ''Today, I Am A Freshman'' [4.4] ===

=== ''Cyrano de Brady'' [4.5] ===
:''[Jan introduces her new friend Kerry Hathaway to Peter, who is instantly lovestruck]''
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Peter_Brady|Peter]]''': Pleased to meet me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Greg_Brady|Greg]]''': How would you like to get Kerry back? Now listen, I-
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Peter_Brady|Peter]]''': I don't trust you, you stole my girl!
:'''Greg''': I did not steal your girl.
:'''Peter''': You did.
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Bobby_Brady|Bobby]]''': If you guys are starting that again, I'm getting out of here.

=== ''Fright Night'' [4.6] ===
:'''Mike''': It's not your fault, Alice. ''[glares at the kids]'' Was it, kids?
:'''Carol''': Like I just said, &quot;If you take a joke too far, someone could get hurt&quot;.
:''[Mike and Carol look at the broken remains of the bust]''
:'''Jan''': Gosh, it won a prize, too.
:''[Carol picks up the third place ribbon.]''
:'''Carol''': Well,... ''[sighs]'' So much for third place.
:'''Mike''': All right, all right, that's it. Everybody upstairs. And no allowance for two weeks. And that goes for all of you.

=== ''The Show Must Go On??'' [4.7] ===

=== ''Jan, The Only Child'' [4.8] ===

:''[Jan is mad at her siblings]''
:'''Jan''': If I were an only child, I wouldn't have any phony brothers and sisters! Who needs you?!
:'''Greg''': You mean that, Jan?
:'''Jan''': You're right, I sure do!
:'''Greg''': Well, if that's what you want, I'm sure it can be arranged. Right, you guys? ''[Marcia, Peter, Bobby and Cindy agree]''
:'''Peter''': You just lost yourself five brothers and sisters!
:'''Marcia''': And you can have the whole house to yourself.
:'''Jan''': Great!
:'''Cindy''': For us, too!
:'''Greg''': As far as you're concerned, we don't even exist.
:'''Bobby''': Yeah, we're not even here!
:'''Greg''': Consider us invisible! Come on, gang, let's disappear. ''[Everybody but Jan leaves]''
:''[The boys return]''
:'''Peter''': What are we leaving for?
:'''Bobby''': Yeah, this is our room!
:''[Jan leaves, Greg slams the door after her]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jan prepares to leave for the library, Marcia stops her]''
:'''Marcia''': Hey, just a minute, you!
:'''Jan''': What? ''[Marcia yanks her sweater back]'' What do you think you're doing?
:'''Marcia''': That's my sweater!
:'''Jan''': So what? I always borrow your sweater!
:'''Marcia''': Well, not any more. You no longer have a sister named Marcia, and if there's no Marcia, there's no Marcia's sweater.
:'''Carol''': Okay, kids, okay.
:'''Marcia''': Mom, we made a deal, remember?
:'''Carol''': Yes, I remember.
:'''Marcia''': And I'm sticking to it.
:'''Carol''': Jan, do you want to stick to it?
:'''Jan''': Yes!
:'''Marcia''': Fine. I'll just take my invisible sweater and ''[snaps fingers]'' vanish. ''[leaves]''
:'''Jan''': That's not fair!
:'''Carol''': I'm afraid it is, honey, you can't have it both ways. So long. ''[Jan leaves]''

=== ''Career Fever'' [4.9] ===

=== ''Goodbye, Alice, Hello'' [4.10] ===
:''[Greg and Peter show new housekeeper Kay how Alice used to shoot the basketball]''
:'''Kay''': That was Alice; I'm Kay.

=== ''Greg's Triangle'' [4.11] ===

=== ''Everyone Can't Be George Washington'' [4.12] ===

=== ''Love and the Older Man'' [4.13] ===

=== ''Law and Disorder'' [4.14] ===
:''[Bobby, as the new school hall monitor, had reported Cindy for an infraction and she's angry with him]''
:'''Cindy''': ''[Takes a slice of cheese from the fridge and throws it on Bobby's plate]'' Here!
:'''Bobby''': What's the cheese for?
:'''Cindy''': For you! All rats eat cheese! ''[leaves angrily]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Cindy is explaining her predicament to Carol]''
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Cindy_Brady|Cindy]]''': And he wrote down the names, even mine!
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Carol_Brady|Carol]]''': But that's his job, sweetheart.
:'''Cindy''': Yes, but I'm his very own sister!
:'''Carol''': Well, that doesn't give you any special privileges. The same rules apply to you that apply to anyone else.
:'''Cindy''': ''[angrily]'' I don't see why they should.
:'''Carol''': Let me see... I'll try to explain it to you this way. Let's say that Bobby was a policeman, and I drove through a red light. Accidentally, of course. Well, I would expect him to give me a ticket.
:'''Cindy''': Your own son?
:'''Carol''': Absolutely.
:'''Cindy''': Boy, if I ever had a son who was a policeman and he gave me a ticket, I'd give him a spanking!
:''[Bobby comes in, Cindy leaves angrily]''
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Bobby_Brady|Bobby]]''': I guess she was complaining about me.
:'''Carol''': You guessed right.
:'''Bobby''': And I guess you took her side.
:'''Carol''': You guessed wrong.
:'''Bobby''': You didn't?
:'''Carol''': No. Well, Cindy didn't like it, but you were just doing your duty.
:''[Bobby leaves]''
:'''Carol''': I wonder if he really would give me a ticket.

=== ''Greg Gets Grounded'' [4.15] ===

:'''Mike''': I think you better spend some time thinking about your driving habits while you do not use the car for a week!
:'''Greg''': A week? That's not fair!
:'''Mike''': Well, it is a lot fairer than not using it for a year, a lustrum, a decade, or a century!
:'''Greg''': But, Dad, it wasn’t a…!
:'''Mike''': You want to try for a millennium? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At the grocery store.]''
:'''Jenny''': ''[to Carol]'' Greg borrowed George's car. And he bought tickets (from the stadium) so he could see some rock concert.
:''[The scene cuts from Carol at the store to her in Mike's den. After Jenny told Carol that Greg borrowed George's car to buy tickets from the stadium, she reports this to Mike when she gets home. Now the viewers see Carol back home in Mike's den after the incident.]''
:'''Carol''': ''[to Mike]'' Jenny says he borrowed George's car. Now if he didn't, why would she say it?
:'''Mike''': Oh honey, I cannot believe Greg would deliberately disobey us!

=== ''Amateur Nite'' [4.16] ===

:''[Jan had signed the kids up for an amateur show to raise money for their parents' anniversary present]''
:'''Greg''': ''[laughs]'' Jan, you dingaling! We got about as much chance on getting on that show, and winning first prize, and getting the money as we do of robbing a bank!
:'''Bobby''': Hey!
:'''Greg''': Forget it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike, Carol and Alice are watching TV and see the kids win third prize instead of the first prize of $100 they were hoping for]''
:'''Alice''': THIRD PRIZE?  What a gyp! ''[She goes over to the TV and angrily turns it off]''  That's the last time I ever watch THAT crooked channel!

=== ''Bobby's Hero'' [4.17] ===

=== ''The Subject was Noses'' [4.18] ===
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Marcia_Brady|Marcia]]''':  Something suddenly came up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Marcia walks out into the backyard and calls the boys — Peter and Bobby — in to wash up for dinner.]''
:'''Marcia''': Hey, you guys...! 
:''[Her nose gets hit by the football]'' 
:'''Marcia''': OH! MY NOSE!

=== ''How To Succeed in Business'' [4.19] ===

=== ''The Great Earring Caper'' [4.20] ===

:'''Alice''': And I found...!
:''[She looks in the washing machine, finds the second ear ring, and finds it broken.]''
:'''Alice''': ...well, what was left of the other one. 
:''[Carol also looks at the second ear ring. And she gasps at it when she finds it broken.]''
:'''Carol''': Oh no! 
:'''Peter''': At least the mystery is solved.
:'''Mike''': Well Carol? You are just going to have to go without them. Come on, honey, we better get going.
:'''Cindy''': Mom, I promise I’ll never take anything again (that doesn't belong to me) when I’m not supposed to.
:'''Carol''': All right, Cindy. 
:''[In the spite of the fact that Carol accepts Cindy's promise about &quot;not taking anything again that doesn't belong to her when she is not supposed to&quot;, there is one condition.]''
:'''Carol''': But you and I are going to have a very long talk about this tomorrow.
:''[By Carol's statement, Cindy is going to have a long talking-to about this with Carol in the morning.]''

=== ''You're Never Too Old'' [4.21] ===

=== ''You Can't Win 'Em All'' [4.22] ===
:''[Mike and Carol are trying to plan a dinner party, arrive home with groceries]''
:'''Mike''': Well, six shopping carts full. I think that's a new record.
:'''Carol''': Yeah, but you got to admit, the smorgasbord is a pretty good idea. We have got enough food to feed all our friends, their relatives, their houseguests, plus any last minute drop-ins.
:'''Mike''': Even the drop-ins can bring their drop-ins.
:'''Alice''': ''[Walks in]'' Looks like you've got plenty of smorgas for the bord.
:'''Mike''': There's still more smorgas in the car.
:'''Carol''': Hey Alice, were there any calls while we were out?
:'''Alice''': Just one, the school called to give you the date of Cindy's television show.
:'''Carol''': Oh good.
:'''Mike''': When is it?
:'''Alice''': I'll give you a hint: we're going to be eating this stuff a long long time.
:'''Carol''': Alice, you don't mean.
:'''Alice''': I do mean.
:'''Mike''': No, no, no, no, no.
:'''Alice''': Yes, yes, yes.
:'''Carol''': No, naturally, the 10th. The night of our party.
:'''Alice''': I'll get the rest of the stuff out of the car. ''[leaves]''
:'''Mike''': You know, I don't believe it. First, we're gonna invite a couple of friends over, barbecue steaks, then we change to a Mexican dinner so we can invite more people, so I cancel the steaks, I run all over town in search of authentic Mexican food. But then, we switch to a smorgasbord, so we can have friends and friends of friends and uncles and relatives and assorted drop-ins. But now, I have got enough Mexican food to feed every guitar player in Guadalajara, and I corner the market on herring. And now, I find out that we are having a party for 26 people on the 10th, and the only people who aren't gonna be here are us.
:'''Carol''': ''[Applauds]'' That was a wonderful soliloquy, Hamlet. Are you finished?
:'''Mike''': Yes.
:'''Carol''': Uh, maybe you better go help Alice get the rest of the things out of the car. ''[Mike leaves]'' Poor dear.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Carol_Brady|Carol]]''': ''[to Cindy]'' You shouldn't put down a loser, Cindy, because you might be one yourself someday. Just remember that.

=== ''Room At The Top'' [4.23] ===

==Season 5==

=== '' Adios, Johnny Bravo'' [5.1] ===

=== ''Mail Order Hero'' [5.2] ===
:'''Greg''': Its a good composition Pete. How come you got a C-?
:'''Peter''': Read the last line.
:'''Greg''': ''[Reading Aloud]'' &quot;If [[George Washington]] never told a lie how come he got so far in politics?&quot;

=== ''Snow White and the Seven Bradys'' [5.3] ===

:''[Cindy tries to talk her siblings and Alice into appearing in a fundraiser play of &quot;Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs&quot;]''
:'''Jan''': Me play one of the seven dwarfs?
:'''Cindy''': You liked Mrs. Whitfield, didn't you?
:'''Jan''': Sure, she was my favorite teacher. She was Marcia's favorite teacher too. I think she was even Mom's favorite teacher.
:'''Cindy''': Boy, she's been teaching since the older days.
:'''Jan''': You better not say that around Mom.
:'''Cindy''': Well, will you help me with the play?
:'''Jan''': Sure. If I can be Dopey.
:'''Cindy''': Well, you can't be Dopey.
:'''Jan''': Why not?
:'''Cindy''': I'm saving that part for someone special.
:'''Jan''': Who?
:'''Cindy''': Me.
:''[Cut to bathroom, knock on the door]''
:'''Marcia''': Come in.
:'''Cindy''': Marcia, how about — 
:'''Marcia''': Sure, Cindy. Anything for good old Mrs. Whitfield.
:'''Cindy''': Oh, thanks!
:'''Marcia''': Except, I want to play Dopey instead of you.
:'''Cindy''': How did you know I wanted to play Dopey?
:'''Marcia''': Thin walls.
:''[Cindy leaves]''
:''[Cut to Greg's room, Cindy knocks on the door]''
:'''Greg''': Come in.
:'''Cindy''': Gee, Greg, this room in the attic sure is neat. I love the way you fixed it up, and Alice — 
:'''Greg''': Cindy, you don't have to butter me up. I'd be glad to help out Mrs. Whitfield.
:'''Cindy''': Thanks!
:'''Greg''': But I want to play Dopey instead of you.
:'''Cindy''': How did you know I wanted to play Dopey?
:'''Greg''': Thin floors.
:''[Cut to boys' room, Cindy knocks on the door]''
:'''Peter''': Sure, Cindy, anything for Mrs. Whitfield. As long as I get to play Dopey.
:'''Bobby''': That goes for me too, but I want to play Dopey.
:'''Peter''': Well, you can't be Dopey.
:'''Bobby''': Yes, I can. ''[door closes]''
:'''Cindy''': &quot;Snow White and the Seven Dopeys&quot;?
:''[Cut to kitchen]''
:'''Cindy''': Alice, how would you like a nice, big, juicy part in my play?
:'''Alice''': I'd love to! Can I play Dopey?
:'''Cindy''': That part's already taken, six times.
:'''Alice''': What have you got left?
:'''Cindy''': How about the wicked queen?
:'''Alice''': You got yourself a deal. If I can't be a wacky dwarf, I'll be a wicked queen. ''[imitates evil laughter]''
:'''Cindy''': That was good. Thanks, Alice!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brady kids and Sam''': ''[singing]'' Heigh ho, heigh ho, it's home from work we go! (whistle) Heigh ho, heigh ho, heigh ho, heigh ho, heigh ho, we're seven in a row ''[whistle, Sam stops]'', heigh ho.
:'''Greg/Doc''': What'd you stop for, Dopey?
:'''Sam/Dopey''': Eh, I forgot which way we live, Doc!
:'''Jan/Happy''', '''Cindy/Grumpy''': We live that way! ''[point in opposite directions]''
:'''Marcia/Sleepy''': ''[yawn]'' Can't we get going? It's time for my nap! I'm sleepy!
:'''Peter/Sneezy''': Well, I'm catching a cold! ''[sneezes]''
:'''Bobby/Bashful''': I know which way we live!
:'''Greg/Doc''': Which way, Bashful?
:'''Bobby/Bashful''': I'm too bashful to tell you! ''[laughs]''
:'''Sam/Dopey''': Hey, I remember which way! We follow the yellow brick road!
:'''Cindy/Grumpy''': That's in &quot;The Wizard Of Oz!&quot;
:'''Sam/Dopey''': So, don't follow the yellow brick road!
:'''Brady kids and Sam''': ''[singing]'' Heigh ho, heigh ho, it's home from work we go! ''[march behind the stage]''

=== ''Never Too Young'' [5.4] ===

=== ''Peter and the Wolf'' [5.5] ===
:'''Peter/&quot;Phil Packer&quot;''': What's that wild scent you're wearing?
:'''Linda''': Buttered popcorn!

=== ''Getting Greg's Goat'' [5.6] ===

=== ''Marcia Gets Creamed'' [5.7] ===
:''[Marcia had just fired Peter from his job at ice cream parlor; Peter and Bobby are in the bathroom]''''
:'''Peter''': For no reason at all, right out of left field she fired me.
:'''Bobby''': What a rotten thing to do to your own brother.
:'''Peter''': That's what you get when you give small people power. They can't handle it.
:''[Marcia knocks on the door]''
:'''Marcia''': Are you gonna be in there all night?
:'''Bobby''': Dictator! ''[leaves]''
:''[Marcia enters the bathroom]''
:'''Marcia''': You brainwashed Bobby!
:'''Peter''': No I didn't, I told him the truth. You fired me 'cause you're power-hungry.
:'''Marcia''': I fired you because you're lazy and you deserved it!
:'''Peter''': You know what you are? A company stooge!
:'''Marcia''': What's the use?
:'''Peter''': Okay, run away from the truth, you Captain Bligh Dictator!
:'''Marcia''': And you're a capital &quot;G&quot; goof-off!

=== '' My Brother's Keeper'' [5.8] ===
:'''Alice''': The all-American dish for the all-American hero, (everybody cheers) hot Hungarian goulash!
:'''Cindy''': Since when is Hungarian goulash American?
:'''Alice''': Since [[w:Zsa Zsa Gabor|Zsa Zsa Gabor]] became a citizen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Bobby doesn't want to be with Peter, whom he's at odds with]''
:'''Bobby''': Wanna play a game or something, Alice?
:'''Alice''': Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Bobby, not tonight. I gotta go to bed early, I didn't sleep very well last night.
:'''Bobby''': Why not?
:'''Alice''': Well, I stayed up half the night, watching one of those TV horror movies, &quot;The Demon of Devoured Detroit&quot;, gave both of us heartburn. ''[leaves, Greg comes in]''
:'''Bobby''': Wanna watch some TV with me, Greg?
:'''Greg''': Sorry, I got a date. I'll see you later.
:''[Bobby walks into the living room, seeing his sisters leaving]''
:'''Bobby''': Hey, where are you going?
:'''Marcia''': We're gonna spend the night at my friend Helen's house.
:'''Bobby''': How come?
:'''Jan''': That wallpaper post made our room smell to icky.
:'''Cindy''': Have fun. ''[the girls leave]''
:'''Bobby''': Yeah. Whoopee.
:''[Mike and Carol are leaving]''
:'''Mike''': Good night, son.
:'''Carol''': Don't stay up past your bedtime.
:'''Bobby''': I might as well go to sleep right now, there's nobody around here to do anything with.
:'''Carol''': Oh, now, Bobby, Peter's home.
:'''Bobby''': That's the same thing as being alone.

=== ''Quarterback Sneak'' [5.9] ===

=== ''Try, Try Again'' [5.10] ===

=== ''The Cincinnati Kids'' [5.11] ===

=== ''The Elopement'' [5.12] ===
:''[Bobby is practicing playing &quot;Yankee Doodle&quot; on a portable organ, Peter and Cindy look on]''
:'''Bobby''': How am I doing now?
:'''Cindy''': It still sounds awful, but you're playing a lot faster.
:'''Peter''': So it's awful for less time.
:'''Bobby''': Hardy-har-har.

=== ''Miss Popularity'' [5.13] ===

=== ''Kelly's Kids'' [5.14] ===
:'''Mrs. Payne''': My husband and I have even managed to be cordial to the Shapiros down the street.
:'''Ken''': Well, congratulations, you've just received the &quot;Neighbor of the Year&quot; award.
:'''Mrs. Payne''': I consider that remark uncalled for!
:'''Ken''': If nobody calls for it in 30 days, it's all yours, baby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kathy Kelly''': ''[Talking about Mrs. Payne]'' She makes Archie Bunker sound like a liberal!

=== ''The Driver's Seat'' [5.15] ===

:''[Bobby and Cindy are playing checkers on Cindy's bed, Jan walks in]''
:'''Bobby''': I win.
:'''Jan''': Maybe Bobby cheated.
:'''Cindy''': Did you cheat?
:'''Bobby''': No, Jan just got a big mouth and bad eyes.
:'''Jan''': He didn't really cheat, Cindy.
:'''Cindy''': Then why did you say that?
:'''Jan''': It's a debating tactic. I force Bobby into defending himself by accusing him of something.
:'''Bobby''': I get enough accusing around here from mom and dad.
:'''Jan''': Hey, you two accuse me of something and I'll defend myself.
:'''Bobby''': Okay. I accuse you.. of being weird. ''[leaves the room]''
:'''Jan''': I'm on the debating team at school and I really need practice. Choose a subject and pick a side.
:'''Cindy''': Okay. I pick Bobby's side, you are weird. ''[leaves]''
:'''Jan''': Won't anybody around here debate me? ''[picks up Cindy's Kitty Karry-All doll]'' You, pick a side.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Peter, will you be our judge?
:'''Peter''': For what?
:'''Cindy''': Bobby and I made a bet on who's the best bike rider.
:'''Peter''': What did you bet?
:'''Bobby''': Same thing as Greg and Marcia. The person who comes closer to the stopline without going over wins.
:'''Cindy''': And the loser has to do the winner's chores for a whole year.
:'''Peter''': Well, first you better look at something, Bobby. ''[points to Greg doing ironing]''
:'''Bobby''': Ain't too easy to beat a dumb ol' girl anyway. ''[leaves]''
:'''Cindy''': Chicken.

=== ''Out Of This World'' [5.16] ===
:''[Peter and Bobby are camping out in the backyard, waiting for their &quot;UFO&quot; to appear]''
:'''Cindy''': Hey, did the UFO land yet?
:'''Bobby''': No, do you see one?
:'''Jan''': Oh, well we thought that maybe you hid it in your sleeping bags.
:'''Peter''': Look, if you just came out here to make jokes, you can leave.
:'''Bobby''': Yeah!
:'''Cindy''': Oh, we believe in flying objects, Peter.
:'''Jan''': It's just that flying objects don't believe in us.
:'''Peter''': ''[hops up]'' Listen, if you guys aren't out of here in three seconds, you're both gonna ''be'' flying objects!
:'''Jan''': Ooh, quiver!
:'''Cindy''': Quake, quake!
:'''Peter''': Blast off!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Greg and Marcia were playing a trick on Peter and Bobby with the &quot;UFO&quot;]''
:'''Alice''': Anybody for more flapjacks? Right off the grill and still flappin'?
:'''Cindy''': Oh yeah, Alice!
:'''Jan''': Me too.
:'''Greg''': No, I gotta get going.
:'''Marcia''': Same here.
:'''Alice''': Aren't you gonna stick around and see how Peter and Bobby's UFO pictures turned out?
:'''Greg''': No, in their case I think &quot;UFO&quot; means &quot;Undoubtedly Flipped Out&quot;.
:'''Marcia''': Hey Alice, if any space creatures do show up, give them some flapjacks and tell them to stick around for a while.

=== ''Welcome Aboard'' [5.17] ===
:''[Carol broke the news to the kids that their cousin Oliver will come to live with them]''
:'''Bobby''': Hey Cindy, now you and me won't be the youngest, we'll have somebody to push around.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The boys' room, Oliver is snoring loudly]''
:'''Bobby''': ''[annoyed]'' Hey, Pete! Pete, you sleeping?
:'''Peter''': Are you kidding? Who can sleep with that buzz-saw going?
:'''Bobby''': Yeah, for a little guy, he sure snores big.
:'''Peter''': Sounds like the MGM Lion.
:'''Bobby''': How are we going to get any sleep?
:'''Peter''': I've read once where you can stop people from snoring by rolling them over. Let's try it.
:'''Bobby''': All right.
:''[Peter and Bobby try to roll Oliver over]''
:'''Bobby''': He's heavier than he looks.
:''[Peter and Bobby fall on the floor, breaking the lamp on nightdesk]''
:'''Oliver''': Would you guys be a little bit more quiet? A guy can't get any sleep around here!

=== ''Two Petes In a Pod'' [5.18] ===

=== ''Top Secret'' [5.19] ===

=== ''The Snooperstar'' [5.20] ===

:''[Marcia and Jan try to find out if Cindy is snooping in Marcia's diary]''
:''[They enter Peter and Bobby's room]''
:'''Marcia''': Passing through.
:'''Jan''': Gotta use the bathroom.
:'''Peter''': You got a door on your side!
:'''Marcia''': It's stuck! ''[The girls get into the bathroom]''
:'''Bobby''': Now I know why hermits want to be hermits.
:''[The girls return from the bathroom, the same way]''
:'''Marcia''': Passing through.
:'''Bobby''': What is this, a freeway?
:'''Jan''': Oh, we just couldn't stand being away from you two beautiful people.
:''[The girls leave, Peter blocks the door with a chair]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Cindy and Oliver arrive home with a record album, Peter and Bobby are playing football in the yard]''
:'''Peter''': Hey, what's in the bag?
:'''Cindy''': A record album.
:'''Bobby''': What kind?
:'''Cindy''': The round kind.
:'''Oliver''': With a hole in the middle.
:'''Bobby''': ''[laughs sarcastically]'' Very funny. Let's see it. ''[tries to grab the album from Cindy, but Cindy snatches it back]''
:'''Peter''': What's the big secret?
:'''Cindy''': You know what the secret is.
:'''Oliver''': Yeah, and you guys better treat Cindy nice! She's gonna be rich and famous and I'm gonna help her!
:'''Peter''': What are you two gonna do, rip off a bank?
:'''Bobby''': Yeah, [[w:Bonnie and Clyde|Bonnie and Clyde]]! ''[The older boys laugh]''
:'''Cindy''': ''[sarcastically]'' Very funny.
:'''Oliver''': Yeah! ''[leaves inside with Cindy]''

=== ''The Hustler'' [5.21] ===

=== ''The Hair-Brained Scheme'' [5.22] ===
:'''Greg''': Bobby! Bobby, where are you?! Come on out, you can't hide forever!
:'''Peter''': ''[Enters the room, while Greg is looking under the bunk bed]'' Hey Greg, what are you doing down here?
:'''Greg''': ''[Emerges]'' Looking for Bobby, I'm gonna clobber him!
:'''Peter''': What... ''[Laughs]'' Hey, do you know your hair is orange? ''[Greg fumes]'' What happened?
:'''Greg''': Bobby's hair tonic!
:'''Peter''': You sure could be a stand-out student at graduation! ''[Laughs]''
:'''Greg''': Very funny. ''[Leaves the room, goes to the girls' room]'' Has either of you seen Bobby?
:'''Marcia''': Greg! What happened to your hair?
:'''Greg''': Bobby's hair tonic!
:'''Jan''': Bobby's hair tonic? You mean you actually bought some of that junk?
:'''Greg''': Only because I felt kinda sorry for him. But now I really feel sorry for him, 'cause he's about to have a fatal accident!
:''[The girls laugh]''
:'''Marcia''': ''[Pretends to offer Greg her orange sweater]'' Greg, do you want to borrow this for your graduation? It will match your hair!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carol''': Now wait a minute, you two, let's not have any bloodshed!
:'''Bobby''': Yeah, especially ''my'' blood! ''[Greg attempts to lunge at him, Carol tries to keep him apart]''
:'''Carol''': Greg, stop it!
:'''Greg''': Well, what am I gonna do about my hair?!
:'''Carol''': Well, I don't know, leave your brother alone, we'll try to figure something out! ''[Turns to Bobby]'' I knew something like this was gonna happen, Bobby!
:'''Greg''': Well, why didn't you tell me?!
:'''Carol''': Well, here, let me see the bottle. ''[Takes the bottle]'' There's an address here! Now look, why don't we call the Neat &amp; Natural Hair Tonic company, maybe this happened to some of their other customers.
:'''Bobby''': Good thinking, mom!
:'''Carol''': Yeah, good thinking. Look, I'll try information.
:'''Bobby''': I'm really sorry, I mean, I didn't know something like this was gonna happen!
:'''Greg''': Yeah, I guess you couldn't know.
:'''Bobby''': Of course, it could have been worse!
:'''Greg''': I'd like to know how!
:'''Bobby''': It could have turned green!
:'''Greg''': Thanks, you're real company!
:'''Carol''': ''[on the phone]'' I see. Yeah. Thank you, operator. ''[Hangs up phone]'' Well, the Neat &amp; Natural Company had it's phone disconnected. Oh, Bobby, I knew it was gonna be some sort of shady outfit!
:'''Bobby''': I was really a jerk to fall for the ad in the magazine.
:'''Greg''': What am I gonna do about tomorrow, mom? It's graduation!
:'''Carol''': Well, Greg, have you tried to wash that stuff out of your hair?
:'''Greg''': No, I've been too busy looking for this... dumbhead! For your sake, it better work! ''[Leaves]''
:'''Carol''': Oh, Bobby. Better say your prayers.
:''[In the attic, Greg tries washing his hair]''
:'''Greg''': It didn't work. I washed it five times and it didn't work.
:'''Peter''': Well, at least you've got squeaky clean hair. I bet it grows out in 6-8 months.
:'''Greg''': Fantastic. Now what do I do in the meantime?
:'''Peter''': Well, you could shave your head and pretend you're a bowling ball. ''[Leaves, to Carol]'' He looks like [[Lucille Ball]]!
:'''Carol''': It didn't wash out, huh honey?
:'''Greg''': If anything, it got brighter orange.
:'''Carol''': Well look, I called the Better Business Bureau about that Neat and Natural Hair Tonic Company.
:'''Greg''': What did they say?
:'''Carol''': The [[w:Food and Drug Administration|FDA]] closed them down.
:'''Greg''': Oh well, now's a great time to find out.
:'''Carol''': Well, there is one consolation. I mean, outside of the color, it's not gonna hurt your hair or your scalp.
:'''Greg''': Well, what about graduation? I can't go out in public like this!
:'''Carol''': Well, I do have a solution. It might be a little embarrassing, but I think it'll work.
:'''Greg''': Mother, I couldn't possibly get any more embarrassed than I already am.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Florence Henderson|Florence Henderson]] - [[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Carol_Brady|Carol Brady]] 
* [[w:Robert Reed|Robert Reed]] - [[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Mike_Brady|Mike Brady]]
* [[Ann B. Davis]] - [[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Alice_Nelson|Alice Nelson]] 
* [[w:Barry Williams|Barry Williams]] - [[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Greg_Brady|Greg Brady]]
* [[w:Maureen McCormick|Maureen McCormick]] - [[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Marcia_Brady|Marcia Brady]] 
* [[w:Christopher Knight|Christopher Knight]] - [[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Peter_Brady|Peter Brady]] 
* [[w:Eve Plumb|Eve Plumb]] - [[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Jan_Brady|Jan Brady]] 
* [[w:Mike Lookinland|Mike Lookinland]] - [[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Bobby_Brady|Bobby Brady]] 
* [[w:Susan Olsen|Susan Olsen]] - [[w:Characters_of_The_Brady_Bunch#Cindy_Brady|Cindy Brady]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|0063878|The Brady Bunch}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Brady Bunch, The}}
[[Category:1960s American sitcoms]]
[[Category:1970s American sitcoms]]
[[Category:ABC shows]]
[[category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:TV shows about children]]
[[Category:TV shows about families]]</text>
      <sha1>cw0ig3j4t0sz7ttxh8dww1xmpnk25of</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Inspector Morse (TV series)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>11299</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147793</id>
      <parentid>2979109</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T21:19:25Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* External links */ r/m Template:Tv.com show</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="30242" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:Inspector Morse (TV series)|Inspector Morse]]''''' was a television series starring [[w:John Thaw|John Thaw]] and [[w:Kevin Whately|Kevin Whately]], based on the books by [[Colin Dexter]].

== Series 1 (1987) ==
=== Episode 1 The Dead Of Jericho [1.1] ===

*'''Morse:''' Lewis, Sophocles died two and a half thousand years ago.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Lewis:''' Hello, my name's 'Lewis', Mr Richards, we've never met...
:'''Morse:''' What did you say?
:'''Lewis:''' I was just saying to Mr Richards...
:'''Morse:''' But you HAVE met ...!

=== Episode 2 The Silent World Of Nicholas Quinn [1.2]===
*''' Morse:''' I do hope that this isn't one of our sordid cases, Lewis
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:(''The Professor is surprised to learn that Morse never married'')
* ''' Morse:''' No-one would put up with me - I play my records too loud
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*''' Morse:''' I've gone and arrested the WRONG man!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*''' Morse: '''No, that's not 'Morse's Law'. 'Morse's Law' is there's always time for one more pint ... except there isn't.

=== Episode 3 Service Of All The Dead [1.3] ===
*'''Morse''': Oh, grow up, Morse!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*The House of The Lord should be daily swept and garnished

== Series 2 (1987–8) ==
=== Episode 4 The Wolvercote Tongue [2.4] ===

* '''Morse: '''And the rich do so hate answering questions!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Serving Wench: '''(making a grand gesture) A messenger attends without, My Lord!
:'''Theodore Kemp: ''' Hm?
:'''Wench: '''(slightly irritatedly and in a stage whisper) You're wanted on the 'phone!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Lewis: ''' (commenting on Mrs Downs): Fine woman, that! Full of life!
:'''Morse: ''' And YOU the married man (!)
:'''Lewis: ''' Ah, I don't mean THAT. You've a one-track mind, you!
:'''Morse: ''' Yes, I want to know who killed Theodore Kemp.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Morse: ''' People's lives, Lewis. People's lives. And loves. It was love's old sweet song all along!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Lewis: ''' I think I'll just pop down and see Aunt Cissy.
:'''Morse: '''(laughs)
:'''Lewis: '''Aahh, you don't want us to do my back in again do you ?
:'''Morse: ''' You do what you like Lewis. I'm going to stay and look at the water for a while.
:'''Lewis: '''  (gently mocking) You. Water?
:'''Morse: ''' If anybody wants me, they'll find me looking at fish. Through the bottom of a beer glass!

=== Episode 5 Last Seen Wearing [2.5] ===
*'''Morse:''' Have you ever thought about the person who designed the sports skirt? Somebody sat down and drew a fantasy and made it compulsory uniform. I can never watch Wimbledon without thanking that man.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Chief Supt. Strange:''' Are we having a depression?
*'''Morse:''' No, ...we are NOT having a depression!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Max: '''Think of it like losing your finest recording of the 'Ring Cycle'
:'''Morse: '''Yes, but I've still got it on cassette!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Mr. Craven: '''It's time to get your shoes dirty!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Chief Supt. Strange: ''' I'm the Superintendent. If one of my officers orders a constable to bring him whisky in a coffee-mug, I get to hear about it. It's my job!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Lewis: ''' What about Mr. Craven?
:'''Morse: ''' Mr. Craven was at a lodge-meeting - fifteen minutes away from Clare Baines - with a list of witnesses as long as your arm. And as you know the Masonic arm is very long indeed!

=== Episode 6 The Settling Of The Sun [2.6] ===

*'''Morse:''' Beer is food
:'''Lewis:''' It is, for you!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:(''Not'' a classic episode of Morse)

=== Episode 7 Last Bus To Woodstock [2.7] ===

*'''Morse:''' Go home, Lewis. Kiss your children. See your wife
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Max:''' You can have a good relationship with a corpse
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Morse:''' Cat got your tongue, Lewis? Getting all too much for you, is it? A coded letter; stolen money; violence.
:'''Lewis:''' You forget one thing, Sir. Sex.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Morse:''' Let's get out of here. I hate the smell of hospitals
:'''Lewis:''' It's about time I bought ''you'' a pint
:'''Morse:''' It's long overdue, Lewis ... long overdue.

== Series 3 (1989)  ==
=== Episode 8 Ghost In The Machine [3.8] ===
*'''Morse:''' Get an ambulance to Hanbury House as fast as you can!  Some fool in a sports car just drove into a tree!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Lewis:''' Was it from 'Cats'?
:'''Morse:''' No, it was not from 'Cats'!
:'''Lewis:''' Oh, the wife wants to see 'Cats'. Don't know why, she's allergic to them.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Morse:''' It's people like them (the Hanburys) who think people like us are there to keep the servants in order.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Morse:''' Keep tugging at your forelock, Lewis, and we may be back in Oxford by lunch-time
:'''Lewis:''' (after having been pulled up by Morse on a grammatical error on aprevious occasion): Shouldn't that be 'might'?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Dr. Russell:''' I'm Max's locum.
:'''Morse:''' Where's Max?
:'''Dr. Russell:''' In the Radcliffe, unfortunately. A slight stroke. Nothing serious.
:'''Morse:''' But you're a...a...
:'''Dr. Russell:''' (interrupting) A pathologist, yes(!)
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Morse:''' Grayling...like the fish?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Morse:''' Too much ''sang froid''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Morse: '''We're being led up the garden path, Lewis. A very picturesque garden and a very pretty path
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*''' Morse: '''The people who live in places like this think that the rules don't apply to them
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Morse: '''Oh, God! What an inheritance!

=== Episode 9 The Last Enemy [3.9] ===
*'''Morse:''' How does one address a lady pathologist first thing in the morning?
:'''Dr Russell: ''' Well doctor would do.
:'''Morse: ''' Well doctor I look forward to your full report.
:'''Dr Russell: ''' If I had to hazard a professional opinion, I'd say the chief inspector was nothing more then a person.
:'''Lewis:''' (to Dr. Russell) Oh I shouldn't worry about it. He's got tooth-ache
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Miss Burn:''' You know Oxford. A back-biting, parochial little town
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Lewis: ''' (to Dr Russell) What's a nice girl like you doing a job like this for?
:'''Dr Russell: ''' How do you know I'm a 'nice girl' hmm?
(pause)
:'''Dr Russell: ''' You sound just like Morse.
:'''Lewis: ''' I'll take that as a compliment!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Morse:''' I have a good memory, but a prosaic mind
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Canal worker: ''' What is it that you're looking for, exactly?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Morse''' (tacitly): A head
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''The New Testament: ''' &quot;The last enemy that shall be destroyed is Death.&quot;

=== Episode 10 Deceived By Flight' [3.10] ===

*'''Morse: '''I stumble about. That's what I do. Sometimes I stumble in the right direction.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Roland Marshall: '''Morse. My God ... it's 'Pagan Morse' !
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Morse: '''Would you keep an eye on my car? It's the red 'Jaguar' across the road.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Morse: '''People are dying out there. Even cricket has to come to a stop.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Lewis: '''I have to, er, y'know (use the Gents')
:'''Morse: '''(imitates Lewis) Yer knaa. I even bet you give it a number where you come from.
:'''Lewis: '''Actually, we do

=== Episode 11 The Secret Of Bay 5B [3.11] ===
:(An everyday story of murder and multi-storey carparks).
*'''Mrs Hederson:''' It was just after I was speaking to you Sgt Lewis, it was really strange.'''
:'''Lewis:''' I wish you’d told us more about this Mrs Henderson at the interview!''
:''' Mrs Hederson:''' So do I. NOW!

== Series 4 (1990) ==
=== Episode 12. 'The Infernal Serpent' ===
*'''Milton's 'Paradise Lost': (Book 1)''' &quot;Th' infernal Serpent; he it was, whose guile stir'd up with Envy and Revenge, deceiv'd the Mother of Mankind ...&quot;
:'''Morse:''' You've just earned yourself a drink, Lewis.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Lewis:''' Aw, it's lentil soup in the canteen today
:'''Morse:''' It's too  warm for lentil soup!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Lewis:''' Taxonomy? Sounds like stuffing. Stuffing umbrellas?
:'''Morse:''' Taxonomy means &quot;a classification&quot;. The Master was making a joke.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Mrs Copley-Barnes: '''There was a Serpent in our house, coiled around the foundation.

=== Episode 13. 'The Sins Of The Fathers' ===
*'''Lewis:''' You'll never believe this, Sir. We have to visit a brewery!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Butler: '''Your name, Sir?
:'''Morse: '''Morse
:'''Butler: '''Rank?
:'''Morse: '''And that's [[relevant]], is it?
:'''Butler: '''It is if I'm to announce you...
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Lewis:''' The last shall be first and the first shall be last'''
:'''Morse:''' Very good, Lewis. I'm impressed. Where did you learn that?
:'''Lewis:''' At Sunday School
:'''Morse:''' And what is the relevance?
:'''Lewis:''' It means that one day I'll be Chief Inspector and you'll be Sergeant
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Mrs Radford: '''So, Morse, must the evil that men do live on after them?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Morse: '''That's it, Lewis! You're a genius!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Lewis: ''' Do you fancy a pint, Sir?
:'''Morse: '''You know, Lewis ... I don't think I do

=== Episode 14. 'Driven To Distraction' ===
(Featured music by Marian Montgomery).
*'''George:''' The electrics are up the chute, for a start.
:'''Morse:''' This car is pre-electric!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Morse:''' That's our man, alright!
:'''Lewis:''' Who?
:'''Morse:''' Boynton. We know who - all we have to work out now is how and why.
:'''Lewis:''' What evidence have you got?
:'''Morse:''' Not a shred!
:'''Lewis:''' You can't arrest the man just because you don't like him.
:'''Morse:''' More's the pity!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Lewis:''' You go trampling about, don't you. You think you're so clever, but sometimes you're a bloody fool!

=== Episode 15. 'Masonic Mysteries' (Episode directed by Danny Boyle.)===
(Featured music from 'The Magic Flute' by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart)
*'''Morse:''' You'd better start by rolling your trouser-leg up, Lewis. DCI Bottomley is a grand master, a grander master that I.
*'''Lewis:''' (to Bottomley) Like a game of chess, do you, Sir?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Morse:''' With a man like deVries, you have to look INSIDE the coffin!
:'''Lewis:''' Is there anything that you want?
:'''Morse:''' Yes. Bring me the libretto of 'The Magic Flute'
:'''Lewis:''' Libretto?
:'''Morse:''' 'Little book'. It's in the album box-set
:'''Lewis:''' How about clothes?
:'''Morse:''' You think that I'm going to be here for that long?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
''(Morse is kneeling on the floor with de Vries holding a pistol to his head)''.
*'''Hugo deVries''': You're sweating, Morse. It's most disagreeable.
''(The door-bell rings)''.
:'''Hugo deVries:''' (emotionless and interrupted in full flow) Who is that?
:'''Morse:''' My sergeant.
:'''Hugo deVries:''' What is it with you English policemen? Going around in pairs like some low comedians.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Lewis:''' (admiring DeVries' Jaguar) Nice car!
:'''Morse: ''' (dismissively) Rubbish, these new models. No class.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Hugo deVries:''' I like being dead. It takes the strain out of living.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Hugo deVries:''' I am Zoroastro; YOU are Monostatos!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Morse:''' Toscanini? Arturo Toscanini? That's the WORST recording of 'The Magic Flute' there's ever been! I wouldn't even let it in the house!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
''(After Bottomley's invitation to join the Masons)''
*'''Morse: ''' No, I don't join groups. I'm even thinking of leaving the choir.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
* '''Morse: ''' (to Lewis) Go and see it! You'll love it...it's got a dragon.

== Series 5 (1991) ==
=== Episode 16. 'Second Time Around' ===
*'''Lewis:''' (Noticing Inspector Hillian's drinking) The way he knocks it back, it's a wonder he lived to collect an OBE.
:'''Morse:''' People in glasshouses ...
:'''Lewis:''' (Looking in his own glass) This is only a little light wine, Sir.
:'''Morse:''' I know what it is.
:'''Lewis:''' And it's only me second glass!
:'''Morse:''' Sanctimony, Lewis (shaking his head).
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Constable:''' I was over the way ... and there was this car...
:'''Morse:''' I take it from all the...excitement that you got its number.
:'''Constable:''' Yes, Sir.
:'''Morse:''' Then deal with it in the normal way. That's quietly, with a certain amount of control.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Morse:''' Well, I think I'll go for a walk. What about you?
:'''Lewis:''' I could start work on the reports, Sir, if you want.
:'''Morse:''' Good man.
:'''Lewis:'''  I mean, only if you want.
:'''Morse:''' Well, why not. Procrastination is the thief of time, since we're swapping proverbs.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Mrs Dawson:''' Patrick thinks you're a very good detective. A poor policeman, and a very good detective.
:'''Morse:''' Really. Well I suppose half a compliment is better than none.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Morse:''' Different policemen have different methods, Mrs Lapsley
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Frederick Redpath:''' My name is Frederick Redpath. It has been for the last eleven years.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Morse:''' Get on with it, Lewis!
:'''Lewis:''' Detective Chief Inspector Dawson, I'm arresting you for the murder of John Mitchell. You do not have to saything, but anything you do say may be given in evidence.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Lewis:''' I think you could have let her win the chess, Sir.
:'''Morse:''' That's the worst kind of deception, Lewis
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Lewis:''' That badge of yours. Why did you keep it?
:'''Morse:''' Vanity, I suppose. It was my first public speech.
:'''Lewis:''' Did you win?
:'''Morse:''' No. We lost.

=== Episode 17. 'Fat Chance' ===
* '''Lewis:'''  ''[Enquiring after the chain-smoking female priest]'' Who, cigar and cassock?
: '''Lewis:''' She's a bit, you know ... holier than thou ...
: '''Morse:''' She IS a bit holier than thou, Lewis!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
* '''Sister:''' And what, may I ask, are you doing with my patient?!
: '''Morse:''' Thames Valley Police. My name's Chief Inspector Morse. (shows warrant card)
: '''Sister:''' Am I supposed to be impressed?
: '''Morse:''' I'm making a few enquiries...
: '''Sister:''' Then you can make them to thin air - outside the gate!
: '''Morse:''' I could compel you to comply.
: '''Sister:''' You ridiculous man! I'd like to see you try. I am commanded by a higher authority than the Thames Valley Police!
: '''Lewis:''' She lied to you, Sir.

=== Episode 18. 'Who Killed Harry Field?' ===
* '''Harry Field's answering machine''': Hello, this is Harry. Health, Wealth and Happiness! Leave a message - for God's sake!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
* '''Morse''': (Reads) ''Lignum crucis arbor scientiae''... the wood of the cross is the tree of knowledge.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
* '''Morse''': Hello, Harry - I got your note.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
* '''Lewis''': Tired, Sir?
: '''Morse''': Yes, Lewis.
: '''Lewis''': Why's that, then?
: '''Morse''': Lack of sleep.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
* '''Morse''': Here we are again, Lewis. Piecing together the last moments of a total stranger.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
* '''Lewis''': A Vincent 'Black Shadow' motorcycle, registration number Oh Ay Eff ...
: '''Radio''': (Static)
: '''Lewis''': Well, black...obviously!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
* '''Ian Kerr''': Right, what have you got for me?
(Kerr cues up a slide of a painting)
* '''Ian Kerr''': What's this?
: '''Morse''': A Whistler.
: '''Ian Kerr''': It's awful...where did you get it?
: '''Morse''': At a wake!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

=== Episode 19. 'Greeks Bearing Gifts' ===

*'''Jerome Hogg:''' You must know her...the face that launched a thousand clips. That's a technical TV term.
:'''Morse:''' I rarely watch.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Morse:''' Watch the mouth: it gives away what the face is trying to hide.
:'''Strange:''' Is that one of your quotes?
:'''Morse:''' Quotations. Lord Byron.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
(speaking about a Greek replica ship).
*'''Tuckerman:''' Wouldn't you think they'd simply jump at the chance to show it abroad. Think of the media blitz there'd be!
:'''Morse:''' Perhaps they're afraid they'll never get it back.
:'''Tuckerman:''' The Frogs got the Mona Lisa back after it'd been to New York.
:'''Morse:''' The Italians didn't.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Tuckerman:''' This is the time of the high-fliers, Inspector. Only the brain-dead stay on the ground.
:'''Morse:''' Ever heard of Icarus?
:'''Tuckerman:''' No, why? Did he work for me?
:'''Morse:''' I meant on your wanderings through antiquity. A mythical figure. The first bird-man. Flew too near the sun. Melted the wax on his wings, fell from the sky, and was drowned. In the Aegean.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Morse:''' Almost operatic. Greek Tragedy. You should try the Classice sometime, Lewis. Sex is never simple there: there's pleasure, then there's payment. Retribution.

=== Episode 20. 'Promised Land' ===
* '''Morse:'''  They don't spell Australian beer with four X's out of ignorance!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
* '''Ann Harding:'''  You're a bastard, Morse.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
* '''Lewis:'''  ...and my name's Robert.  My friends call me 'Robbie'.
: '''Lewis:'''  How old ''are'' you, sir?
: '''Morse:'''  I forget, Robbie.

== Series 6 (1992) ==
=== Episode 21. 'Dead On Time' ===
*'''Supt. Strange:''' You said it was suicide, Morse. Then some GP comes down from Ben Nevis, waving some pages of A4 - and everything changes!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Morse:''' It was Mrs. Fallon I knew - before she became Mrs Fallon. We were engaged to be married.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Susan Fallon:''' Did you hate me ...?
:'''Morse:''' Hate you? My God, Susan...
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''McGregor:''' It's a Sergeant Lewis, Master William! Fa' th' polis!

=== Episode 22. 'Happy Families' ===

*'''Charlie's Photographer''': What's that music?
:'''Charlie''': That's Mozart, Charlie.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Morse''': I was precise and I was courteous.
:'''Superintendant Holmeby''': You were bloody superior!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''James Balcombe''': You haven't been saying silly things, have you Mummy, to the police?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Morse:''' It's something that I read in a book!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
'''Morse:''' I've never been taken off a case in my life!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
'''Morse:''' Take my picture NOW! Take it NOW!

=== Episode 23. 'The Death Of The Self' ===
*'''Russell Clark:''' You're not in the chorus yet, but you're part of the show.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Lewis:''' What is again, Sir?
:'''Morse:''' (enunciates clearly) 'Una grappa di secco' for me - and 'una bierra' for you
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Morse:''' When I'm ready, Mr Clark. I'll speak to you when I'm ready.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Morse:''' Faking it until the end, Clark?

=== Episode 24. 'Absolute Conviction' ===
*'''Morse:''' We go directly to Jail!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Mrs Cryer:''' Apparently, the British public like their widows in black.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Morse:''' (to Cheetham) To you, it's 'Sir', sonny!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Sgt Cheetham:''' Chasing a madman around a greenhouse - what a waste of time!
:'''Bennett:''' A queer one, is our Morse!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Morse:''' I'm sorry - it isn't beer, it's coffee. But then again, it isn't coffee!

=== Episode 25. 'Cherubim &amp; Seraphim' ===
''''Cherubim slogan:''' 'PROTECT ME FROM WHAT I WANT'

''''Cherubim' answerphone message:''' If it's good news, leave me a message - if it's bad news, don't bother!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Supt. Strange:''' Kids are like Special Branch. You don't know what the blighters are up to!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Supt. Strange:''' Teenagers are like creatures from another planet.
:'''Morse:''' I'll ask Lewis - he has children
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Morse:''' If you're going to retire, Holroyd, just go ahead and do it!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Morse:''' No-one can imagine another's pain, Robbie
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Morse:''' What's that..? Play that bit again, Lewis. That's the Hallelujah Chorus! ... conducted by Sir Adrian Boult!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Morse:''' It's 'magpie music' - a bit here, a bit there...
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

== Series 7 (1993) ==
=== Episode 26 Deadly Slumber [7.26] ===
*'''Michael Steppings:''' I didn't kill that man, Mr Morse
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Chief Supt. Strange:''' Get youself down there, matey. And give him hell!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Dr Feltham:''' Why is it, Chief Inspector, that doctors make the worst patients?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Michael Steppings:''' You could go anywhere you wanted to.
:'''Morse:''' Yes. But what would I do when I got there?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Chief Supt. Strange:''' There's one thing I don't understand! Why haven't I met this Steppings? Anyone 'nouveau riche' is only too quick to knock on the door of society these days.
:'''Lewis: ''' You mean, you've never come across him at the Lodge, Sir?
:'''Chief Supt. Strange:''' Not exactly, Serg... (to Morse) And what exactly is SO funny?
:'''Morse:''' Nothing. I was just reflecting on Sergeant Lewis' view of polite Oxfordshire society!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Morse:''' If Michael Steppings was monstrous, he was MADE monstrous!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Mr Neally (solicitor):''' My client just sat there and confessed?
:'''Morse:''' Yes.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Lewis: '''Shame to waste them, Sir. Red roses - one of the most expensive flowers around.
:'''Morse:''' I sent her some once before. They had a much higher price-tag!

=== Episode 27 The Day Of The Devil [7.27] ===
* '''Lewis:'''  Morning sir.
: '''Chief Supt. Strange:''' Has the hospital confirmed who it is?
:'''Lewis:''' John Peter Barry sir, also known as the &quot;Devils Disciple&quot;.
:'''Chief Supt. Strange:''' Oh God!
:'''Lewis:''' They discovered him gone at seven this morning.
:'''Chief Supt. Strange:''' Did they say how he got out?
:'''Lewis:''' No, no details sir, but we do know that Barry’s as sharp as they come.
:'''Chief Supt. Strange:''' Don’t we just!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
(One of the best scenes between Morse and Strange)
* '''Morse:'''  This is meant to be a simple handover, no heroics. Barry will be expecting something like that.
: '''Chief Supt. Strange:''' Something like what? I simply want you to go there early and get the li of the land.
:'''Morse:''' Your gambling with that women’s life. At the very least it's a professional dubious course of action.
:'''Chief Supt. Strange:''' Don't you lecture me on professionalism matey. (quiet pause) Look what if we pull this off, ah. We’d of done everyone a favour.
:'''Morse:''' I don’t know everyone! But I know who Holley Travis is and I know her husband. We put her in this predicament and now we’re guna compound that by trying some gun hoe rescue attempt. 
:'''Chief Supt. Strange:''' I think you’ve said enough, don’t you chief inspector?
:'''Morse:''' I really don’t know sir, but you can help me there. Is there any point in putting my argument to higher councils?
:'''Chief Supt. Strange:''' Absolutely none!
:'''Morse:''' I see, calls to make and soundings to take.
:'''Chief Supt. Strange:''' You know the rules.
:'''Morse:''' The rules.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

=== Episode 28 Twilight Of The Gods [7.28] ===
*'''Gwladys Probert:''' I'm sorry, luvvy. You sound like you're giving the weather forecast.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Lewis:''' Sergeants aren't allowed to think. Not in the Thames Valley Police.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Mrs Baydon:''' Gwladys’s marriage was not a success.
:'''Morse:''' I understand the lifestyles were incompatible.
:'''Mrs Baydon:''' No, No! she liked the life. She liked the money. (pause) It was the sex. He was no good, at sex, not even very interested and many artists have healthy appetites you know. Well Gwladys is not as beautiful as she once was perhaps and her taste is for very young men.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

== Series 8 (1995-2000) ==
=== Episode 29. The Way Through The Woods ===

* '''Dr. Hobson:''' Well, I'm not here to see the bouncy castle!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Morse:''' Where were you Dr Harding?
:'''Mrs Harding:''' Where he’s been every few times he can, with her at the Marlborough Hotel on the Woodstock road. It’s alright it had to be someone; if it hadn’t been you then it would have been a stranger. Poor Allan!
:'''Morse:''' Well!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

=== Episode 30. The Daughters Of Cain ===
*'''Chief Supt. Strange:''' You better have a doctor present. We don’t want him having another heart attack in police custody. Ha, mind you if he ups and dies it will save us the expense of a trial.
:'''Morse:''' Oh, and in these hard pressed times.
:'''Chief Supt. Strange:''' It’s all very well for you to sneer but you don’t know what it’s like sitting here forced to implement cuts. Solving crime, that’s the easy part.
:'''Morse:''' Of course we haven’t solved this one yet sir but I must say Lewis has worked particularly hard on it. He’s been very imaginative.
:'''Chief Supt. Strange:''' Lewis, Imaginative?
:'''Morse:''' It comes with these long years working with me. Somethings bound to rub off in the end.
:'''Chief Supt. Strange:''' It’s a bit early for patting ourselves on the back Morse. If you have the imagination to solve this case in double quick time then I may give consideration.
:'''Morse:''' (over the top of Strange) Thank you sir.
:'''Chief Supt. Strange:''' If Morse, if.
:'''Morse:''' Don’t worry about if sir, with Lewis on the ball the way he is.
:'''Chief Supt. Strange:''' If you don’t stop going on about Lewis you’re guna give me a heart attack.
:'''Morse:''' Don’t worry about if sir, with Lewis on the ball the way he is. (pause) Perhaps you’d like to sit in on the questioning sir, see how well Lewis.
:'''Chief Supt. Strange:''' (interrupting) Morse! Go! .
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

=== Episode 31. Death Is Now My Neighbour ===

* '''Adele Cecil:'''  This anagram, &quot;around eve&quot; — I've tried and I've tried, but all I can come up with is &quot;Endeavour&quot;. And no-one's called Endeavour, surely?
: '''Morse:'''  I told you — my mother was a [[w:Religious Society of Friends|Quaker]], and Quakers sometimes call their children names like 'Hope', and 'Patience'.  My father was obsessed with [[w:James Cook|Captain Cook]], and his ship was called [[w:HM Bark Endeavour|Endeavour]].  Why aren't you both laughing?
: '''Lewis:'''  You poor sod!
: '''Adele Cecil:'''  I'm not calling you &quot;Endeavour&quot;.
: '''Lewis:''' Call him &quot;Sir&quot;.  He likes that.
: '''Adele Cecil:'''  Oh, no, no,— I'll stick to &quot;Morse&quot;, like everyone else.
: '''Morse:'''  ''[Raises his glass of beer.]'' Cheers!
: '''Morse:''' That which we are, we are; One equal temper of heroic hearts, made weak by time and fate, but strong in will to strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

=== Episode 32. The Wench Is Dead ===

* '''Chief Supt. Strange:''' Hello Morse, bearing up are we?
: '''Morse:''' Trying too.
: '''Chief Supt. Strange:''' You got a temperature?
: '''Morse:''' Everyone's got a temperature.
: '''Chief Supt. Strange:''' Not like that they haven't.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
* '''Chief Supt. Strange:''' Angel of Death flutters it's wings over his head has it?
: '''Adele Cecil:''' I had no idea you were so poetic, Chief Inspector.
: '''Chief Supt. Strange:''' I'm not, it's what my mother used to say.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
* '''Morse:''' I think it frets the saints in heaven to see how many desolate creatures upon the earth have learned the simple dues of fellowship and social comfort in a hospital. Who said that?
: '''Adele Cecil:''' No idea, but have you learned the simple dues of fellowship?
: '''Morse:''' I believe I have, do you know, Kershaw?
: '''PC Kershaw:''' Elizabeth Barrett Browning Sir

=== Episode 33. The Remorseful Day ===

* '''Woman:''' What's your first name?
: '''Morse:''' Inspector.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
* '''Morse:''' Isn't it your round?
: '''Lewis:''' You think another one's a good idea?
: '''Morse:''' Think! That's why I want it, to think! I don't drink for pleasure.
: '''Lewis:''' You are alright, aren't you, sir?
: '''Morse:''' Better off than Harry Repp, I suppose. At least I'll have a retirement. Bird watching, Wagner. You know, you really should persevere with Wagner, Lewis. It's about important things. Life and death... regret.
: '''Lewis:''' Cheer up, sir, it's a lovely evening. Look at that sunset!
: '''Morse:''' ''[quoting A.E. Houseman]'' &quot;Ensanguining the skies. How heavily it dies. Into the west away; Past touch and sight and sound. Not further to be found, how hopeless under ground. Falls the remorseful day.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
* '''Chief Supt. Strange:''' ''[referring to Morse's letter to Yvonne Harrison]'' He's always been an independent sod, Lewis. If he had told you about it, he would have felt that he was letting himself down in your eyes. And he didn't want that, Lewis. He didn't want that.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
* '''Morse:''' Thank...Lewis...for me.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
* '''Sandra Harrison:''' John was supposed to come 'round to my flat, but he phoned to say he was working late. I could tell he was lying, so I dialed 1-4-7-1. It was my parents' house. He was a man you had to... share, if you wanted him at all. And I wanted him, ever since he did some work at the house.
:'''Lewis:''' You are still under caution, Doctor.
:'''Sandra Harrison:''' He must have heard my car coming and panicked. I saw him run out into his van and drive off, and he saw me. When I got upstairs... I mean, the others, yes, sharing... but this was my mother. My ''mother''! Like... like some disgusting, pornographic... still a trace of a smile of satisfaction. So I...
:'''Lewis:''' Smashed her skull in, then called your father in London to tell him what you'd done. And when he arrived, he broke the window to set the alarm off, and then paid Flynn to tell us that it was still going when the taxi arrived.
:'''Sandra Harrison:''' It was the best he could think of. Except Flynn stayed watching until he saw me coming out, and... now he knew. Then John asked for money to say he'd tried calling her twice that night. More and more money. Dad had to sell the silver.
:'''Lewis:''' ''[sarcastically]'' Dear, dear.
:'''Sandra Harrison:''' You don't understand.
:'''Lewis:''' No.
:'''Sandra Harrison:''' Morse will.
:'''Lewis:''' ''[angrily]'' Inspector Morse is ''dead''!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
* '''Lewis:''' Goodbye, sir.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0092379|title=Inspector Morse}}

[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Crime TV shows]]
[[Category:ITV shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Television programs based on novels]]
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    <title>Tru Calling</title>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-26T21:19:46Z</timestamp>
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'''''[[w:Tru Calling|Tru Calling]]''''' (2003–2005) is an American television show starring [[Eliza Dushku|Eliza Dushku]] as Tru Davies, a medical-school graduate and morgue worker who finds herself periodically reliving the previous day whenever one of her &quot;clients&quot; asks her to save them from their fate.

== Season 1 ==
=== ''Pilot'' [1.01] ===

:'''Davis''': It's called the crypt. It's where every unnatural death in the city comes to rest, waiting for an autopsy.
:'''Tru''': You said &quot;unnatural death&quot;?
:'''Davis''': Most of them. Because if there's even a hint that a death might be unnatural, murder, suicide, they come here.
:'''Tru''': So every crypt...
:'''Davis''': Has a body. That's right. Can you imagine the pain of losing someone before their time? Bottom line: most of these people shouldn't be dead yet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Davis''': You ever been to a morgue before?
:'''Tru''': Just once, when I was 12.
:'''Davis''': Well, that sounds like a story. Are you sure you're interested in wor... in working here? Because, I'll be honest, uh most girls as pretty as you that come here...well they're...they're dead.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Davis''': Tru, why do I think you're not telling me the truth?
:'''Tru''': I know I shouldn't have looked through the files. I just have a few questions.
:'''Davis''': Oh what? About unsolved murders?
:'''Tru''': Exactly.
:'''Davis''': So let me get this straight. In the eight hours since you've started working here, you've decided to solve old cases? It's very ambitious. You know what I did today? I bought socks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harrison''': Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you okay? Is everything okay?
:'''Tru''': I'm having a day, Harrison. A day I would gladly explain to you if I thought I could but I can't, so I'm not even gonna try. And I heard another voice.
:'''Harrison''': Wait. I don't understand. You mean like, you mean like Mom?
:'''Tru''': No, not her. Someone else.
:'''Harrison''': Dead?
:''[Tru nods]''
:'''Harrison''': Oh, boy.
:'''Tru''': And that's not even the half of it. Believe it or not, that's the half that makes sense. I-I just don't get it. Me of all people, why do they come to me?
:'''Harrison''': Maybe because they know that you'll listen.
:'''Tru''': Do you think I'm crazy?
:'''Harrison''': I never thought you were crazy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tru''': ''[at her mother's grave]'' It's been the strangest day. An understatement, I know. Did you have anything to do with it? I don't know. I only know... I wish this day had come 10 years earlier. Then maybe I could've saved you too. Instead I'll wait... for others. Some who have needed me longer than most. So maybe I couldn't save you. Maybe, just maybe... this is your way of saving me.

=== ''Putting Out Fires'' [1.02] ===

:'''Tru''': You like being a firefighter?
:'''Nick''': Yeah, I like helping people.
:'''Tru''': You don't worry about how dangerous it is? You see it on the news all the time, a firefighter goes into the building...
:'''Nick''': I don't really think about it. Sometimes a job just chooses you, you know what I mean?
:'''Tru''': Yeah, I do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harrison''': Hey, you okay?
:'''Tru''': Yeah. What could be wrong?
:'''Harrison''': Let's see, uh, last time we talked you told me that dead people were talking to you so, I thought I might be remiss if I didn't follow up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Davis''': Look, Tru, I know that the..the morgue is not exactly Party Central but don't worry, things will pick up.
:'''Tru''': Actually, that's what I'm afraid of.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tru''': I thought when you asked for help, it was for you. Now I know it was for Samantha. You saved her. Everyone's calling you a hero. I don't want to sound selfish...but I wanted both of you. You said your job was a chance to help people. All they have to do is ask. So is mine. So ask me, Nick. Please? I'm not leaving till you ask. So please ask me, Nick. Please, just ask.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tru''': I don't know if I can take this.
:'''Gardez''': Well, believe it or not, it actually gets easier. Besides I like to think they're going to a better place.
:'''Tru''': You believe that?
:'''Gardez''': Well, if you're gonna work here, you gotta believe it. Of course, the dead get off easy. It's the ones left behind that gotta deal with all the pain.

=== ''Brother's Keeper'' [1.03] ===

:'''Tru''': I don't work for your wife. I'm here to help you.
:'''Andrew''': Help me with what?
:'''Tru''': Live to see tomorrow.
:'''Andrew''': Is that a threat?
:'''Tru''': No, it's not. But if I'm gonna help you I need you to be honest with me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tru''': I don't work for your wife. I'm here to help you.
:'''Andrew''': Help me with what?
:'''Tru''': Live to see tomorrow.
:'''Andrew''': Is that a threat?
:'''Tru''': No, it's not. But if I'm gonna help you I need you to be honest with me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harrison''': She needs me, I love her, and she needs me.
:'''Tru''': You can't save her it's not your responsibility. You go there tonight you're gonna kill him.
:'''Harrison''': Fine, he deserves what he gets.
:'''Tru''': And then what, you end up where, in jail for life or worse?
:'''Harrison''': Well what, do want me to be like dad, stand by helplessly and watch the woman I love get murdered, is that what you want?
:'''Tru''': No, don't make her into mom either. Don't make this about saving mom. Harrison, look at me, would you look at me? 22 years old and one way or another I've lost everyone I've ever loved. Our mother to a bullet, our father to lack of interest, Meredith to coke and ambition; don't you see? I can't lose you too, otherwise I'll have no one left. I'm cursed because I can see the future. If you go there right now, I'll have no one. Without you I'm all alone.
:'''Harrison''': You will never lose me Tru... But I have to go. I gotta go.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Davis''': We're all someplace for a reason, just sometimes we need to accept what that reason is.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harrison''': ''[to Tru when meeting Sarah]'' For the future, two topics are off-limits when meeting my new girlfriends: my exes and their exes.

=== ''Past Tense'' [1.04] ===

:'''Tru''': Why does everyone think I look like a stripper?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harrison''': What if tomorrow is just today, all over again?
:'''Tru''': Bite me, Harrison.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harrison''': Hey I took a semester of psych in high school. It's ''always'' about someone's mom.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tru''': Harrison, I came here to talk
:'''Harrison''': OK someone dies asked for help and you repeat a day, there we talked.
:'''Tru''': Not quite what I meant by talking.

=== ''Haunted'' [1.05] ===

:'''Tru''': You ever have one of the greatest days of your life, I mean a really, truly great day, and then just feel like the whole thing got erased?
:'''Davis''': You're assuming I've ever had a great day?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Davis''': It's not easy is it, bearing the burden you do.
:'''Tru''': 'Scuse me?
:'''Davis''': Some call it a blessing others a curse some see it as more of a calling.
:'''Tru''': Davis.
:'''Davis''': I know more than you think I know Tru, about what you can do, about how you can help the dead, give them a chance at life. Have a seat Tru, it's time I told you what I know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harrison''': Don't take this the wrong way, but you look like crap.
:'''Tru''': Thanks Harrison. I told you I've been up studying all night. Because in 45 minutes I'm going to be taking the biggest test of my life.
:'''Harrison''': Right! The Top Cats.
:'''Tru''': M-Cat.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tru''': The moon &amp; the stars, it's the neighbor.
:'''Bitchy neighbor''': You don't know what you're saying.
:'''Paige''': For the first time in years I know exactly what I'm saying.
:'''Bitchy Neighbor''': Paige, Paige, you've always been a smart girl. Be smart now.
:'''Paige''': I'm a child, you son of a bitch, I was 9.

=== ''Star-Crossed'' [1.06] ===

:'''Davis''': So you're saying yesterday a guy and a girl went over a cliff in a car accident?
:'''Tru''': Yeah
:'''Davis''': Was I wearing this shirt?
:'''Tru''': Unfortunately, yes...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Luc''': Are you okay?
:'''Tru''': No really, I'm insane because I'm about to walk out on a date that's actually working, but there's just somewhere I have to be.
:'''Luc''': Right now.
:'''Tru''': There are times when I do this, take off. I really wish I could explain it, but I guess I'm not your average 22 year old girl, whether you believe me or not. I'm gonna call you later. If you're willing to give it another try, that's great. If not, I'll understand. No I won't. I'll be completely crushed, but I'll get it. Thanks. Really, I had a good time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lindsay''': Tru, love is never like it is in the movies. I mean, when was the last time you kissed and music swelled? You're lucky if you can find a guy who can tell time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tru''': ''[on the phone]'' Davis, remember when I said this was Romeo and Juliet? I was wrong it was Juliet and Juliet.

=== ''Morning After'' [1.07] ===

:'''Davis''': I finished running the numbers through the simulator.
:'''Tru''': And?
:'''Davis''': Well, based on the victim's own height and weight, as well as the location and moderate depth of the wounds, I believe that the killer was approximately 5'4&quot;, right-handed, and lacking upper body strength. Most likely a female. What do you think?
:'''Tru''': I think... you just described me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tru''': So I turned him over, there was a single wound. Right below the heart. I called 911, then he asked for help, and the day restarted and here I am.
:'''Davis''': Mmm. So if I'm to understand you correctly, you had a party and you didn't invite me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lindsay''': Why didn't you invite your next-door neighbor?
:'''Tru''': Are you kidding me? That guy's a creep.
:'''Lindsay''': All the more reason to invite him. If he's helping make the noise, he can't complain about it, right?
:'''Tru''': Well, it's too late now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tru''': Call you a cab Sam?
:'''Scott''': ''[Drunk]'' No, but it'd be great if you knew of a good place to throw up.
:'''Tru''': Down the steps, to the right, and anywhere in the alley is fine.
:'''Scott''': You rock!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lindsey''': I can't believe you had a stalker moment and I missed it.
:'''Tru''': It wasn't a stalker moment. Mark and I just happen to be in the same place at the same time.
:'''Lindsey''': That's what stalkers do. They just happen to be in your market, then they just happen to follow you home, then they just happen to chop your head off and seal it in a baggy.
:'''Tru''': Lindsey!
:'''Lindsey''': I'm just saying first the phone call now this.

=== ''Closure'' [1.08] ===

:'''Jake''': I mean, does your dad like the guys you bring home?
:'''Tru''': He never met them.
:'''Jake''': Oh, I'm sorry. He's dead?
:'''Tru''': Just by choice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meredith''': Is there anything else that we could talk about beside autopsies?
:'''Davis''': Sure.
:'''Meredith''': Great.
:'''Davis''': So, you a ''[[Lord of the Rings]]'' fan?
:'''Meredith''': No, sorry.
:'''Davis''': Would you like me to finish the autopsy story 'cause it really does contain a lot of interesting things.
:'''Meredith''': No, thank you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jake''': ''[about Tru]'' Guardian angel, stalker, you decide.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gardez''': What are you, writing his biography?
:'''Davis''': Maybe rewriting it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Davis''': Well, [[w:Wonder Woman|Wonder Woman]] has got nothing on you.
:'''Tru''': Except for the pointy bras and the invisible plane, no.

=== ''Murder in the Morgue'' [1.09] ===

=== ''Reunion'' [1.10] ===

:'''Davis''': Cool, high school reunion. You going?
:'''Tru''': Yes, I am. Again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harrison''': ''[To Tru]'' Do you know how annoying it is to have a sibling with your powers?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tru''': High school was a time that pretty much sucked for most of us. Um, lets face it. It was all about being picked on and left out. It's about time we let bygones be bygones.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Judy''': How come girls like Candice always win and girls like me always lose?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Luc''': Look, I didn't know you back then, I'm not even sure i know you now, but you've got a lot to be proud of, good friends, a cool yet slightly morbid job, med school's not that far away.
:'''Tru''': Oh I know, it's just...
:'''Luc''': Plus you've got a cool new boyfriend you can take to the reunion and show off.
:'''Tru''': Really?
:'''Luc''': Yeah.

=== ''The Longest Day'' [1.11] ===

:'''Tru''': ''[on the phone]'' Hey Harrison, it's me. I've got some bad news.
:'''Harrison''': Give it to me.
:'''Tru''': You're gonna be evicted today.
:'''Harrison''': Yeah, tell me something I don't know.
:'''Tru''': Meredith's still in rehab, why don't you just crash at her place?
:'''Harrison''': Or what about yours?
:'''Tru''': Been there. Hated that.
:'''Harrison''': Ah, a dreaded rewind day. So what did I do?
:'''Tru''': Poker with the boys, food on my couch, flood in my kitchen.
:'''Harrison''': Tru, I am shocked. Shocked! I would never do anything... whoa... wait, was I winning?
:'''Tru''': Bye, Harr.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Davis''': You can change events, but you can't change fate, Tru.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Luc''': ... and she's off.
:'''Tru''': I'm meeting Lindsay for breakfast.
:'''Luc''': On a weekday.
:'''Tru''': Um.
:'''Luc''': Doesn't she work?
:'''Tru''': She's taking a sick day.
:'''Luc''': How do you know that? You just woke up.
:'''Tru''': Coz, it's a girl thing.
:'''Luc''': Ahaaa.

=== ''Valentine'' [1.12] ===

:''[Lindsay has just broken up with Harrison]''
:'''Lindsay''': Look, I'm just gonna go for a walk, so if you want the bed...
:'''Harrison''': No, no, no, I'll take the couch... Bed smells funny.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Luc''': You're awake, thank god. I was about to check for a pulse.
:'''Tru''': Hmm.
:'''Luc''': When I picked you up, you said you'd close your eyes for 5 minutes. That was 4 hours ago.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Davis''': Valentines Day is a shame perpetuated by the floral and greeting-card industries to move product.
:'''Tru''': You'll have to excuse Davis, he's very very single.
:'''Lindsay''': Shocker.

=== ''Drop Dead Gorgeous'' [1.13] ===

:'''Tru''': Hey.
:'''Davis''': You're here early.
:'''Tru''': Oh, I'm not staying. I just wanted to get this back to County Records.
:'''Davis''': Your mom's autopsy report?
:'''Tru''': Yeah.
:'''Davis''': Anything new?
:'''Tru''': No. Standard B and E gone bad. Single bullet, massive blood loss. Of course, I only read it fifteen times and still think there's something I must have missed.
:'''Davis''': Tru, if I may, sometimes there is just a single bullet. A lone gunman, a tragic death. Sometimes the truth is exactly what it appears to be.
:'''Tru''': What makes you say that?
:'''Davis''': Eight years of working here.
:'''Tru''': Just wish I thought so, too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tru''': Just once. Just once I'd like to go somewhere and have everyone stay alive. Is that too much to ask?
:'''Davis''': You really want me to answer that?
:'''Tru''': No, actually I don't.

=== ''Daddy's Girl'' [1.14] ===

:'''Davis''': ''[about Jack]'' That guy's going places.
:'''Tru''': Yeah. Let's just hope somewhere far, far away from here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harrison''': Hey kids. What's cracking?
:''[He sits down beside Tru]''
:'''Meredith''': Well, Jordan came by and told us she's having a party for Dad tonight, and Tru…
:'''Harrison''': Told her off?
:'''Meredith''': Actually, Tru said she'd be there.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tru''': The dream has nothing to do with Dad.
:'''Harrison''': Mmm. Right.
:'''Tru''': Besides, Meredith says he's only in town for a conference so odds are we won't even hear from him. But there's something else.
:'''Harrison''': And that is?
:'''Tru''': What I do…going back, trying to save these people from dying…I think Mom could do it too.
:'''Harrison''': Where you getting this from?
:'''Tru''': Davis. He was an assistant the night they brought Mom in.
:'''Harrison''': How does this freak-fest from a morgue become such an expert on our mother?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jack''': Hey Jack.
:'''Tru''': Hey Tru.
:'''Jack''': You had to write it down.
:'''Tru''': Just so the functionally literate wouldn't drink my soda.
:'''Jack''': Right... Can't be too careful, what with the big soda shortage I've been reading so much about.
:'''Tru''': Ha... and here I was thinking you couldn't read.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jordan''': Isn't showing up the least you can do?
:'''Tru''': Funny, I thought the same thing about my dad my last 10 birthdays.

=== ''Getaway'' [1.15] ===

:'''Davis''': Oh, thank God.
:'''Tru''': Its okay, Davis. I'm in one piece. And Michelle lives to see another day.
:'''Davis''': I'll reserve judgement whether that's a good thing or not. So did the medallion…? Did it keep you safe?
:'''Tru''': No, Davis. It was you who kept me safe. You called the police.
:'''Davis''': Well what about the hostage?
:'''Tru''': Well that's just it, there isn't one. This guy isn't taking a different hostage each time, it's the same girl at every location. They're a team.
:'''Davis''': Just like Bonnie and Clyde.
:'''Tru''': Kind of, except in this case, Clyde uses Bonnie as a fake hostage.
:'''Davi'''s: Well that's an interesting twist.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tru''': Listen, Harrison, I think it's sweet that you remembered your three-month anniversary, but I'm not giving you any money
:'''Harrison''': Why would you think that? Why...? Why do reliving days suck for me? Hmm? So, what did I do?
:'''Tru''': You went to the track and lost everything I gave you, so I'm sorry but you're gonna have to be more creative.
:'''Harrison''': Yeah, but...
:'''Tru''': And I'm gonna do you an even bigger favor today. I'm gonna borrow your car, so you can't go to the track at all.
:'''Harrison''': No, wait…
:'''Tru''': I gotta go
:'''Harrison''': Wait, but...go on! Save everybody but me. ''[to himself]'' I gotta get a job! ...Nah.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jack''': Do you like working here? The reason I ask is, you don't look like your average morgue attendant.
:'''Tru''': Oh yeah and what do I look like then?
:'''Jack''': You look like a girl who takes things way to seriously, someone who should be enjoying life but probably spends Friday nights home alone, watching TV, eating a microwave dinner.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tru''': What do ''you'' do on Friday nights?
:'''Jack''': Why don't you tell me?
:'''Tru''': Well you don't stay in, that's for sure. Coz that'd mean you'd be alone and you're not a guy who's all that keen on being alone. So you go out, to a bar, a club and after a few hours you return home. Sometimes solo but usually with some nameless, faceless, shameless girl who just doesn't understand you. But either way, by the end of the night your alone, in front of the TV, eating a microwave dinner.
:'''Jack''': I don't own a microwave.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jack''': You still haven't answered my question? Do you like it here?
:'''Tru''': Actually I do.
:'''Jack''': I understand.
:'''Tru''': You do? 'Cause not everyone does.
:'''Jack''': Well that's because most people believe that only the living need help.

=== ''Two Pair'' [1.16] ===

:'''Davis''': We were married. For a year.
:'''Harrison''': You're married?
:'''Davis''': And, er…I was supposed to meet Haley at her mother's. We were going to a restaurant for our anniversary dinner. And I'd been working late here, and I was going out to my car and the gas had all been drained from the tank, and the tyres were flat. There was this crazy woman there, telling me that I had to call my wife, and prevent her from getting in her car, and getting on the freeway
:'''Harrison''': Crazy woman? What?
:'''Tru''': Our mother.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tru''': I need to borrow your car.
:'''Harrison''': That is so weird. I was just coming to…
:'''Tru''': No, you weren't gonna come and get me. And if I were you, I'd stay away from the trifecta too.
:'''Harrison''': That is so not fair! You know what I did and I don't.
:'''Tru''': Look, you let me down, Harrison. Again. Nothing you haven't done 1000 times before. And you know what? Lindsay says the same exact thing about you too.
:'''Harrison''': Well excuse me, I made a mistake. I'm not lucky like you: you screw up, and it's &quot;Oh what am I gonna do? You know what, I'll just redo it!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jack''': Wow, Davis is a dedicated employee isn't he?
:'''Tru''': He really takes his work home with him.
:'''Jack''': I'm trying to imagine a First Date scenario…&quot;Why don't you come back to my apartment, I'll show you all my books on death&quot;
:'''Tru''': Kind of a mood killer.
:'''Jack''': Unless you're dating a serial killer.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Davis''': I've got this thing tomorrow at my apartment, and I haven't unpacked.
:'''Tru''': When did you move in?
:''[Davis looks as through he counting back]''
:'''Davis''': Three years ago.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jack''': How do you get so banged up on this job? It's not like the dead fight back.
:'''Tru''': Yeah, you'd be surprised.

=== ''Death Becomes Her'' [1.17] ===

:'''Jack''': Death is inevitable. Death is part of life. And as soon as you understand that, you’re free.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jack''': Why do I get the feeling that you don't want me hanging around your brother?
:'''Tru''': Probably because you're very perceptive.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harrison''': She's like me. She's, like, loyal…but she's…she's smart as hell. And she works her tail off.
:'''Jack''': Tell me about it. She comes in off-shift, practically memorizes the stats of all the corpses. That job…it's like she lives for it, you know?
:'''Harrison''': Understatement of the year.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tru''': It's not just that. This whole superhero thing, all the running around I do…it's hard enough to keep the friends I have, let alone make new ones.
:'''Davis''': Well traditionally, superheroes don't have many friends. Just a close-knit group of allies and confidants.
:'''Tru''': Well I'm 22 years old Davis. I need more than allies and confidants.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harrison''': Hey, at least you got a set of wheels now. So you can do your girly stuff and go save dead people. All the things that you like to do.

=== ''Rear Window'' [1.18] ===

:'''Jack''': ''[on intercom]'' Hello?
:'''Tru''': Jack, it's Tru. I need to get in
:'''Jack''': Hey Tru. What are you doing on this side of the street?
:'''Tru''': Please Jack, I need to get into Cathy's apartment right away
:'''Jack''': Cathy? Who's Cathy?
:'''Tru''': Chris! Chris is Cathy! The girl that you followed. Please, Jack, hurry!
:'''Jack''': Okay, um, let me just try and figure this thing out… ''[He starts to press buttons randomly]'' Huh. It's trickier than I thought. ''[He presses a few more buttons]'' Did that do it?
:''[An old lady comes out of the door, and Tru seizes the opportunity]''
:'''Tru''': Thanks, excuse me
:'''Jack''': Tru? Did that do it? Tru? Tru?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Davis''': He's a hell of a guy. Great Dungeon Master. ''[Tru pokes her head back into the room]'' Oh God, did I just say that out loud?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harrison''': So the meet's at noon. High noon.
:'''Tru''': Don't be so dramatic.
:'''Harrison''': It's the first time me and Lindsay have seen each other since the breakup. We're exchanging stuff. How is that not dramatic?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Davis''': Hey Tru, for what it's worth, I happen to think that you have a pretty exciting life, you know? Time travel, saving lives, pretty cool boss…

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tru''': So what are you doing tonight?
:'''Davis''': Oh you know, the usual
:'''Tru''': Nothing?

=== ''D.O.A'' [1.19] ===

:'''Harrison''': ''[about Lindsay's boyfriend]'' What, he's foreign? He's from another country? And he just lives here, and all of a sudden he just pops the question and asks some chick to marry him? Hello? What does that say to you?
:'''Davis''': That he's impulsive and likes to travel?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harrison''': Hi.
:'''Lindsay''': What are you...?
:'''Harrison''': I never returned your key.
:'''Lindsay''': Harrison, tonight isn't...
:'''Harrison''': I heard about the proposal.
:'''Lindsay''': And?
:'''Harrison''': And I checked this guy out. I know it pisses you off.
:'''Lindsay''': Harrison.
:'''Harrison''': You need to know something... before you make a mistake that you'll regret for the rest of your life.
:'''Lindsay''': You should go. You shouldn't be here.
:'''Harrison''': Say yes. Say yes. He is the real deal. He's the better guy. A better guy than I could be for you. At least, right now. And he really loves you. Say Yes.
:''[Lindsay hugs Harrison as she starts to cry]''
:'''Lindsay''': Thank you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Davis''': Look, it's not just supernatural theory, it's scientific fact. From eastern philosophy to [[w:Newton's Third Law of Motion|Newton's Third Law of Motion]]. They all say the same thing: every force has an equal and opposite force. I should have said something sooner, but I didn't have any real proof until today. You're right about Jack. He is not like you, he is the opposite of you. You save lives and he..
:'''Tru''': ..takes them.

=== ''Two Weddings and a Funeral'' [1.20] ===

:'''Tru''': Today isn't gonna be your day, Harrison.
:'''Harrison''': Nah, today's the day that I'm gonna be a better man. Today's the day that I'm gonna...
:'''Tru''': Die.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Davis''': I just wanted to let you know that, uh, Harrison won't be showing up today.
:'''Jack''': Ah, good old Tru. At least she's gonna make this sporting. ''[laughs]'' So, why don't you tell me what you really want.
:'''Davis''': I just wanted to hear it for myself.
:'''Jack''': What's that?
:'''Davis''': Who you are. What you can do. How you can live with yourself.
:'''Jack''': I respect you, Davis. You're a man of science. You want answers, conclusions. So how's this? I preserve the order of the universe by ensuring the cycle of life.
:'''Davis''': Well, fate already has a representative, Jack, and it is not you.
:'''Jack''': Tru? Now this is where we're gonna have to agree to disagree. Because if Tru was serving fate, why does fate need me?
:'''Davis''': She helps people live.
:'''Jack''': Who were supposed to die! Don't you see? She can't win.
:'''Davis''': You're wrong. I've seen her save people. She ''can'' win.
:'''Jack''': Yes. You've seen her outfox killers, talk people off ledges, and quite capably, I might add. But if you think that's the end of the story, you're missing the best part.
:'''Davis''': Oh, what's that?
:'''Jack''': I think that we'll save that for another time. Wouldn't want to blow all my best material at once, but it's good to see you, boss. Tell Harrison I'll catch him later.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tru''': My mother had the calling and she passed it on to me. If you think for one minute that I'm ever gonna stop, you're wrong. So you'd better watch your back, because it's on.
:'''Jack''': You should know one thing. This is bigger than you think.
:'''Tru''': And ''you'' should know one thing. You have no idea what you've begun.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Davis''': I'm so sorry. Please, accept my condolences. You were so... young.
:'''Harrison''': Dude, I'm still alive. I died ''yesterday''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jack''': I just dropped by to give my two weeks notice.
:'''Tru''': Don't bother. Davis took you off payroll once we realized you were Death.

== Season 2 ==
=== ''Perfect Storm'' [2.01] ===
:'''Jack''': Good people die, Tru. You know that as well as I.
:'''Tru''': You say you're not a murderer, what do you call what you're doing now?
:'''Jack''': My job.

=== ''Grace'' [2.02] ===

:'''Davis''': Enjoy the sugar! 'Enjoy the sugar'? God, my complete ineptitude!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harrison''': ''[Punches Jack]'' That's for yesterday... I think.

=== ''In the Dark'' [2.03] ===

:'''Jack''': Harrison! Look at you, man! You look great! Robust! Like a man who's been taking care of himself.
:'''Harrison''': So, my continuing to be alive isn't bothering you?
:'''Jack''': Oh. You mean because it runs counter to the plan of the universe and every day you're setting in motion consequences that can only be damaging to the entire human race? Now why would that bother me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tru''': Don't settle in, Harry. I'm heading out. Something happened and I don't have a clue who it happened to.
:'''Harrison''': Wait, I thought your birthday was supposed to be all about giggles and love for the people of the Earth.
:'''Tru''': Yeah. I had that birthday yesterday.
:'''Harrison''': Whoa. You had a replay on your birthday? Huh. Wait, is there anything I should do, or not do? Uh, did I-did I screw up?

=== ''Last Good Day'' [2.04] ===

:'''Tru''': ''[after Jack let Megan slip off the building]'' I wish it was you.
:'''Jack''': That makes two of us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tru''': I figured out how you do it ''[know who is going to die]''.
:'''Jack''': Whoa, good job, Tru. It only took you six months?

=== ''Enough'' [2.05] ===

:'''Harrison''': We both know what they call a guy like me wearing a suit like that – the defendant.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Travis''': You know, you are an extremely weird kid.
:'''Harrison''': I get that a lot.

=== ''Twas the Night Before Christmas...Again'' [2.06] ===

:'''Jack''': I don't even get a thanks? I was brilliant back there.
:'''Tru''': Does the fourth horseman at the Apocalypse need a pat on the back?
:'''Jack''': Whatever. The fact that I'm still here means that you need me and that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
:'''Tru''': Be careful. You wouldn't want the ice around your heart to melt.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jack''': I gotta tell you, it was kind of cool to wear the white hat for a change.
:'''Tru''': Oh, so you're admitting that I'm the good guy?
:'''Jack''': Do you know why they gave the white hat to the hero in the Old West movies? It made them easier to light for the camera. The color of the hat is not about right or wrong, it's about what you choose to see.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jack''': I'm sorry, Tru, I'd love to help you, I really would. But I'm afraid I'm going to have to hear you say those two magic words.
:'''Tru''': Please, Jack.
:'''Jack''': Oooh sorry, those weren't the magic words we were looking for.
:'''Tru''': I knew this was a bad idea.
:'''Jack''': Oh come on, Tru, I just wanna hear you say it one time... Help me.
:'''Tru''': Would you settle for &quot;bite me&quot;?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jack''': I don't see why we couldn't carpool. For someone who's dedicated to saving lives you should really take better care of the environment, Tru.
:'''Tru''': Well, I've got this thing about not getting into a car with a guy who kills people for a living.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jack''': Looks like I got the day off, 'cause you're good, Davies, but you're not that good. Stale corpse, no clues. Hey. What if I was to offer to help you with your job today?
:'''Tru''': What if I was to offer to help you kiss my a**?
:'''Jack''': That's funny. No, but really, think of it as a holiday truce. What harm could I do? There was only fatality in the city yesterday and that one already ho-ho happened, am I right? Come on, there's no one to save, there's no one to fight over. I might even be helpful.
:'''Tru''': Jack, there is no way I would ever accept your help.
:'''Jack''': You try and be a nice guy. Merry Christmas to all, and to all good luck.

== External links== 
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0364817|title=Tru Calling}}
* [http://www.trucalling-fans.com/ Fan site]

[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:2000s American drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American supernatural TV shows]]
[[Category:FOX shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Phish</title>
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      <text bytes="21259" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Phish|Phish]]''' is an American rock band noted for jamming and improvisation. The band's four members performed together for the better part of 21 years until their breakup in August 2004, but have since reunited in 2009. Their music has elements of a wide variety of genres, including rock, jazz, bluegrass, heavy metal, folk,  blues, progressive rock, reggae, acoustic music, and European classical music.  Each Phish concert is original in terms of the songs included, the order in which they appear, and the way in which they are performed: most of their songs are never played the same way twice.  Although the group receives little radio play or MTV exposure, Phish has developed a large following by word of mouth and the exchange of live recordings. 

The following quotes are from a variety of Phish songs performed throughout their history. The majority of Phish lyrics are penned by lyricist Tom Marshall, a childhood friend of founding member [[Trey Anastasio]]. 

The following lyrical excerpts are listed in alphabetical order.

== Lyrics ==
*''All of These Dreams''
:If you go there, and after you do
:All of these dreams would be yours to pursue
:The rest of your lifetime devoid of a care
:If you keep your eyes open, you may find yourself there 
*''Anything But Me'' - 
:You've become an island in the hazy world surrounding me
:Offering a vast reward each time I safely cross the sea
:All too often I become lost in the fog and haze
:Clinging still against my will to promises of clearer days
*''Back on the Train'' - 
:When I jumped off, I had a bucket full of thoughts
:When I first jumped off, I held that bucket in my hand
:Ideas that would take me all around the world
:I stood and watched the smoke behind the mountains curl
:It took me a long time to get back on the train
*''Brian and Robert'' - 
:If you're just staring at your walls
:Observing echoing footfalls from tenants wandering distant halls
:Then this one is for you
:If children playing all around to you is noise, not pleasant sound
:And you feel lost on the playground...
:Then this one is for you
*''Bug'' - 
:Nothing I see can be taken from me
*''Bye Bye Foot'' - 
:Where I end and you begin
:I wanna find that line and cross it back and forth
:Until it's erased by our footsteps
*''Crowd Control'' - 
:It's crowded in the lowlands but the fools stay on the hill
:You control us now, you have the reins
:Do something or we will 
*''The Curtain'' - 
:As he saw his life run away from him
:Thousands ran along
:Chanting words from a song.
:'Please me have no regrets'
*''Dear Mrs. Reagan'' - 
:Dear Mrs. Reagan, I hope you're feeling well
:Fighting drugs and abortion will keep you out of Hell
:Send in the troops, they'll shut the system down
:Take away their leaders and replace them all with clowns
:Out in the Rose Garden, time for a speech
:Make up your face so it looks like a peach
:Aw, Nancy dear, what shall I say?
:Tell ol' Ronnie it's all okay
*''Destiny Unbound'' - 
:She started the ignition and without permission, the two of them flew down the dusty road
:But the road wasn't finished and the pavement diminished
:They soared off the edge and they plunged in the sludge
:She said, &quot;There isn't even any road, our destiny was bound
:We were the ones for us, but now we're in the ground&quot;
*''Dirt'' - 
:I'd like to live beneath the dirt
:A tiny space to move and breathe is all that I would ever need
:I wanna live beneath the dirt
:Where I'd be free from push and shove like all those swarming up above
:Beneath their heels I'll spend my time
:I'll wriggle in the earth and dew
:And sometimes I will think of you
:And if you ever think of me, kneel down and kiss the earth
:And show me what this thought is worth
:I'll never hear your voice again
*''Discern'' - 
:I think I hear a whisper around nearly every turn
:But what the voice is saying, I barely can discern
:The echoes that are following the contours of the ground
:Ebb and flow and ease into a tidal wave of sound
*''Dog-Faced Boy'' - 
:Whenever I think of you it only makes me feel sad
:Whenever I think of you....the best friend I ever had
:Before I give it up all for nothing:
:Well, I lied and I cheated, and it made me feel bad
:It made me feel guilty for not being true
:For the months I spend trying for a way to explain
:In the end all I could do was turn my head in shame
*''Down With Disease'' - 
:Waiting for the time when I can finally say
:That this has all been wonderful, but now I'm on my way
:But when I think it's time to leave it all behind
:I try to find a way to, but there's nothing I can say to make it stop 
*''Driver'' - 
:I'll tell you about the driver who lives inside my head
:He starts me up and stops me, then puts me into bed
:He opens up my mouth when it's time for me to talk
:He fires up my legs when he wants me to walk
:He keeps my eyes open for most of the day
:Adds to my memories the things that people say
:And when he makes decisions, I don't have to wait
:But sometimes it seems that he's got too much on his plate
:Like this morning when I woke up and he dressed me in this shirt
:That looks a little ragged where he dragged me through the dirt
:I'm moving through this life and I'm thinking about the next
:And hoping when I get there, I'll be better dressed
*''Farmhouse''
:Each betrayal begins with trust, every man returns to dust
*''Fast Enough for You'' - 
:If time were only part of the equation and you could draw the boundaries of our cage
:You wouldn't pile another stone upon me, and I'd be happy just to watch you age
:But everything is in its own dominion, and waiting in the shadows as I do
:Appeases me as water slowly trickles out, which isn't nearly fast enough for you
*''Frankie Says'' - 
:Relax 
:The world will spin beside itself and suck you in
:With threats and hopes beyond compare
:I change the landscape as I pass, meandering from sand to glass
:I suction there for one whole day, until the feeling goes away
*''Free'' - 
:I feel no curiosity, I see the path ahead of me
:In a minute I'll be free, and you'll be splashing in the sea
:We hear a tiny cry as the ship goes sliding by
*''Mountains in the Mist''
:Rain falls on my shoulders, sun rises in the east
:I'm worn and bruised, but I am here at least 
*''Friday'' - 
:I crashed, I burned
:But then I learned to keep my eye on you
:You always say you'll lead the way
:But then you never do 
*''Heavy Things'' - 
:Things are falling down on me, heavy things I could not see
:When I finally came around, something small would pin me down
:And when I tried to step aside I moved to where they'd hoped I'd be
*''The Horse'' - 
:It's time I sling the baskets off this overburdened horse
:Sink my toes into the ground and set a different course
:Because if I were here and you were there, I'd meet you in between
:And not until my dying day confess what I have seen
*''If I Could'' - 
:Stay with me till time turns over
:I wanna feel my feet leave the ground
:Take me where the whispering breezes
:Can lift me up and spin me around
:If I could I would, but I don't know how
*''It's Ice'' - 
:Slipping on the friction slide, my skin peels to the bone
:The flesh I leave behind is something that is not my own
:I beg my mirror image for a moment with my soul
:He's pleading back, it's time to attack
:It's me who's in control
:With every move I make, he's got a hand up just in time
:He's throwing several punches and he's blocking most of mine
:Defeated now, I sulk and squirm in mud with frozen mice
:Waiting, calculating 'til next he ventures onto the ice
*''Julius'' - 
:'Cause a week is a month and an hour a day 
:When your reaching just pushes it further away now 
:With your past and your future precisely divided 
:Am I at that moment? I haven't decided, I haven't decided 

*''Jennifer Dances'' - 
:You ought to know from long ago to listen to the winds that blow
:Cause when the past creeps up at last, you'll see the landscape open fast
:And you'll be standing on a landing, crumbling despite your demanding
*''Lifeboy'' - 
:When the line is breaking and when I'm near the end
:When all the time spent leading, I've been following instead
:When all my thoughts and memories are left hanging by a thread
:God never listens to what I say
*''Limb by Limb'' - 
:I never want my hand cut off, I never want a hacking cough
:I never need a cliffside push, I never turn my brain to mush
:Always give me what I lack, always take the best parts back
:Always recognize your fate, always just a moment late
:Left is where I always turn, left is how I'm forced to learn
:Left the route my walking takes, left alone with my mistakes
:Up against the person who up 'til now I never knew
:Up from hell the answer blew, up or down...it's up to you
*''The Mango Song'' - 
:Your hands and feet are mangos, but you're gonna be a genius anyway
*''Maze'' - 
:The torrent of helplessness swept me away to the cavern of shame and the hall of dismay
:Inside me a voice was repeating the phrase, &quot;You've lost it, you'll never get out of this maze&quot;
*''Meat'' - 
:I need a different life, I think
:Perhaps I'll be the missing link
:I treasure moments as I drink away the memories 
:Let them sink
*''The Meatstick'' - 
:Long before this scene concludes, the end I'm seeking still eludes
:My every effort to apply, my will to moments passing by
:But everytime we say goodbye, there's a pain I can't identify
:That reveals to me the hidden door that leads to several moments more 
*''Mike's Song'' - 
:Trapped in time and I don't know what to do
:These friends of mine, I can see right through 'em
:You don't gotta tell me, cause I don't gotta move
:I'm sittin' back here just sharin' in the groove 
*''The Moma Dance'' - 
:All throughout I gaze and glimpse you
:Loving never did convince you
:I see you when you're all alone
:It's like a person I've not known
:The moment ends though I feel winds
:Blowing differently than ever before, and then pushing me further from shore 
*''Mound'' - 
:Ice is all he was made of
:The bitter blue had frozen through
:He went over to the mound
:Reclining down his final thoughts
:were drifting to a time this life had shined
*''Never'' - 
:Never is that point in time that doesn't have dimension
:Always is the measure of how long time's been around 
*''Nothing'' - 
:I stand on a featureless sheet of blue stone
:And then for one instant I'm not quite alone
:Your hand is extended but then you rescind
:And you, like my thoughts, are borne off by the wind
*''Pebbles and Marbles'' - 
:She started a blaze from one tiny spark I didn't even detect
:She loved the light, was dismayed by the dark, the stars, though, she seemed to respect
:The faint light that flutters at night to the earth would land in her eyes and collect
:Luminous creatures she'd find in the surf I never thought to inspect
:Pebbles and marbles, like things on my mind, seem to get lost and harder to find
:When I am alone, I am inclined, if I find a pebble in the sand, to think that it fell from my hand
:She gave me ideas and planted the seed, but she never stopped to reflect
:The course that she's on, wherever it leads, I never would redirect
:Pebbles and marbles, like words from a friend, make us hold tight but are lost in the end
:When we're alone, we all seem to tend, if we find a marble in dust, to wish someone left it for us
*''Prep School Hippie'' - 
:Prep school hippie, or hip school preppie
:I can't decide
:Should I spend my adolescent days wearing tie dyes or Vuarnets
:I can't decide
:A big ten kegger at the frat, or watching Jerry shake his fat
:Prep school hippie, or hip school preppie
:I can't decide
*''Rift'' - 
:Silence contagious in moments like these
:Consumed me and strengthened my will to appease
:The passion that sparked me one terrible night
:Had shocked and persuaded my soul to ignite
*''Roggae'' - 
:If life were easy and not so fast, I wouldn't think about the past
:I can't forget to turn the earth so both sides get their share of darkness and of light
*''Round Room'' - 
:If I pass out, take me to the round church
:Where echoes resound and my spirit is found
:And when I float high, take my arm and I'll fly you by
:To the outskirts of town to a garden that's round
*''Run Like an Antelope'' - 
:Set the gearshift to the high gear of your soul
:You've got to run like an antelope out of control
*''Sample in a Jar'' - 
:You tricked me like the others and now I don't belong
:The simple smiles and good times seem all wrong
*''Sand'' - 
:I will choose my own religion and worship my own spirit
:And if you ever preached to me, I wouldn't want to hear it
*''Scents and Subtle Sounds'' - 
:If you would only start to live one moment at a time
:You would, I think, be startled by the things that you would find
:Like scents you never noticed, and many subtle sounds
:Like colors in the landscape and textures of the town
:Then the winds would lift you up into the sky above
:And you'd be treated to a view of everything you love
:And if the moment passes, you should try it once again
:For if you do it right, you'll find the moment never ends
*''Shafty'' - 
:The terrible thing about Hell is that when you're there, you can't even tell
:As you move through this life you love so, you could be there and not even know
:But you say, &quot;So what, I'm doing just fine&quot;
:The irony is that it's all in your mind
:That's why Hell is so vicious and cruel, but you'll just go on an oblivious fool
*''Silent in the Morning'' - 
:You're silent in the morning, suspended in the trees
:Lunch time comes, you've found your voice, it brings me to my knees
:The volume just increases and the resounding echoes grow
:Until once again, I bask in morning stillness I love so
:The target that I shoot for seems to move with every breath
:I tighten all my arteries and make one last request
:Divine creation hears me, and he squashes me with fear
:I think that this exact thing happened to me just last year
*''Sleep'' - 
:I can't describe the feeling when I'm in my bed asleep, and then
:I wake up with a vision blurred and all my efforts are deterred
:To reconstruct this image lost
:There're certain things my mind won't do, and even though they're very few
:The image glistens like a gem, repairing is not one of them
:So I'm awake, though in my mind, the image that so unrefined
:Is calling to me from the deep, tempting me to fall asleep
*''Spices'' - 
:A single cloud within a storm descends and leaves behind a form
:Someone that you knew appears in front of you: a woman's figure, rain-cloud-born
:She blinks but doesn't see you yet, she shivers and is soaking wet
:You cross the sand and take her hand, a lifetime passed since last you met
:Centuries now fall away, seems so long since yesterday
:When you were young and in the sun, you let your woman slip away
:You take the hands that you have missed and kiss the lips you haven't kissed
:For many years, taste the tears
:Spices that you can't resist 
*''Split Open and Melt'' - 
:I wake up on my stomach with my face between my hands
:And crawl along the floor toward the doorway
:Jumping to my feet, I try to put myself together
:But I feel it in my knees and the room begins to spin
:I slip and bump my head and raise a welt, split open and melt
*''Spread it Round'' - 
:Together we are all alone, united on a spinning stone
:So if your love is running down, don't concentrate it....spread it round
*''Steep'' - 
:Much ado is all I see, in fact, it is surrounding me
:The seething crowd intrudes all day until I'm finally swept away
:Although I thought my roots were deep, I sank them into hillsides steep
:And riverbanks that soon erode and canyons that have overflowed
*''Strange Design'' - 
:Dripping in this strange design, none is yours and far less mine
:Hold the wheel, read the sign, keep the tires off the line
:Just relax, you're doing fine
:Swimming in this real thing I call life
:Can I bring a few companions on this ride
*''Taste'' - 
:I'm down, and I will drag you along and around
:Until you burst into song and unwind, and leave your new life behind for a while
:Cause I can see through the lines
*''Tela'' - 
:As I look into her eyes, my frozen heart begins to thaw
:And burn, 'til layer after layer melts away into a pool
:The sky blue mirror of her eyes
:And my soul is made of marble, but in her gaze I crumble into dust
:And drift away on the wind: the wind from beyond the mountain
*''Theme From the Bottom'' - 
:Pantomime mixtures of heaven and earth
:Jumbled events that have less than no worth
:Time in the forest to dig under rocks
:Or float in the ocean asleep in a box
:Or sink just below all the churning and froth
:And swim to the light source or fly like a moth
:So toss away stuff you don't need in the end
:But keep what's important and know who's your friend
*''Thunderhead'' - 
:I need a new way to express myself
:So you don't need to guess what otherwise I'd say aloud
:And watch it float just like a cloud, high up above you like a thunderhead
:But you would just look down instead and wait 'til foggy skies appear
:And vapor clouds all disappear
:And with them, all my words for you have softly sublimated too
:And you'll just hope that I've moved on, so you'll look up and find me gone
*''Train Song'' - 
:The glass on the lantern casts back the sight of a drive-in movie, we drove by below
:We saw where we'd been in the pictures within, projecting all the places we would go
:So we followed the scene and flowed up your steps to a smooth wooden floor in a trance
:The train whistle melody woved through the trees and in through the door to signal the turns of a dance
*''Two Versions of Me'' - 
:Ten mountains stand tall, nine seasons since fall
:Eight eons of sand, seven oceans began
:Now there is none, no more light from the sun
:Now waters run free, no more phish in the sea
:One more name on the slate, one less minute to wait
:Too busy to see two versions of me
:One more bottle is dry, one less reason to try
:Six feet underneath, five fingers don't reach
:Four seconds it seems for all of our dreams
:Three oceans away, two children at play
:Too bust to see two versions of me
*''Vultures'' - 
:Blind me with ambition like a razor to the throat
:Cast aside your foolish pride, I'll cast the final vote
:The feelings you've been waiting for are clawing thru your skin
:And if you look above, you'll see the vultures moving in 
*''Wading in the Velvet Sea'' - 
:I took a moment from my day and wrapped it up in things you say
:Mailed it off to your address, you'll get it pretty soon...unless
:The packaging begins to break and all the points I tried to make
:Are tossed with thoughts into a bin, time leaks out my life leaks in
:You won't find moments in a box, nd someone else will set your clocks
:I took a moment from my day and wrapped it up in things you say
:And mailed it off to you.....
*''Walls of the Cave'' - 
:I'm leaving you a message, I'm leaving you a trace
:I'm leaving thoughts for you I hope that time will not erase
:And when the moment comes to read the words that I engrave
:You'll find them on the walls of the cave
:I know you heard the question but you didn't make a sound
:And when it fell you caught my heart before it hit the ground
:But if you ever need the names of those you couldn't save
:You'll find them on the walls of the cave
*''Waste'' - 
:Don't want to be a farmer working in the sun
:Don't want to be an outlaw always on the run
:Don't want to be a climber reaching for the top
:Don't want to be anything where I don't know when to stop
:A dream, it's true
:But I'd see it through if I could be wasting my time with you
:So if I'm inside your head, don't believe what you might have read
:You'll see what I might have said
:To hear it, come waste your time with me
*''Water in the Sky'' - 
:Listen as she speaks to you
:Hear the voices flutter through the barriers arranged by you
:Close the shutters, draw the shades
:Filter out the everglades, glistening with evening dew
:Thunder calls through waterfalls, rising tides, and ocean walls
:I can hear you when you sigh
:Listen as she speaks to you, hear the voices flutter through
:Watch them fall and let them lie
*''Waves'' - 
:How is it I never see the waves that bring her words to me
:For though unseen, they drift around, they catch my breath and knock me down
:I feel them quickly swirling by as they withdraw with my reply
:And slip into the dark of night as I attempt to stay upright
:Instead I'm stranded on my knees as words depart upon the breeze
:Which quickly drifts away from here and possibly won't reach her ear
:If we could see the many waves that flow through clouds and sunken caves
:She'd sense at least the words that sought her on the wind and underwater
*''The Wedge'' - 
:It's the ocean flowing in our veins and it's the salt that's in our tears
:We could have come so very far in at least as many years 
*''Wolfman's Brother'' - 
:I might be on a side street or a stairway to the stars
:I hear the high pitched cavitation of propellers from afar
:So with meaningless excitement and a smooth atonal sound
:It's like a cross between a hurricane and a ship that's run aground

{{wikipedia}}

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  <page>
    <title>My Life as a Teenage Robot</title>
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    <id>12528</id>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-26T21:19:55Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
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'''''[[w:My Life as a Teenage Robot|My Life as a Teenage Robot]]''''' is an animated TV show on Nickelodeon about the misadventures of a tomboyish [[w:robot|robot]] girl with the mind of a [[w:teenager|teenager]].
 
== Season 1 ==

=== Episode 1.1 ===

==== ''It Came from Next Door'' [1a] ====

:'''Brad:''' Hi, Jenny, my name's Brad– Whoa, a real life robot!
:'''Jenny:''' A real life teenager!
:'''Both:''' ''[in unison]'' Whoa! Look at that, and those and the hair. ''[laughs]''
:'''Brad:''' So, you're like a super hero who goes around the world having death-defying adventures and defeating dastardly villains?
:'''Jenny:''' Mm-hmm.
:'''Brad:''' Sweet!
:'''Jenny:''' And you're a teenager who goes to high school and meet tons of other kids and hangs out with them?
:'''Brad:''' Of course.
:'''Jenny:''' Cool!

==== ''Pest Control'' [1b] ====

=== Episode 1.2 ===

==== ''Raggedy Android'' [2a] ====

:'''Brad''': This year, Tuck's gonna face his fears and ride the Ferris Wheel!
:'''Jenny''': Tuck's afraid of heights?
:'''Brad''': No, giant wheels. Anything bigger than a car tire gives him the heebie-jeebies.
:'''Tuck''': But this year, I'm gonna beat Mr. Ferris and his Giant Hoop of Horror!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brad''': ''[about Jenny]'' Come on, Doc, I'm sure no-one will notice her.
:'''Nora''': ''[skeptical]'' A 6 and a half foot mechanical girl, and no-one will notice?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jenny''': Please, Mom. There's gotta be some way I can go.
:'''Nora''': I'm sorry, XJ-9. ''[Jenny starts simmering]''
:'''Brad''': Tuck, we'd better go.
:'''Tuck''': Aw, but I wanna see the fight.
:'''Jenny''': ''[getting really mad]'' You never let me do... ANYTHING I WANT! WORK, WORK, WORK! I never get to have any fun! If you don't let me go, I'll... I'll–
:'''Nora''': Don't you raise your lasers to me, young lady!
:''[Jenny starts crying her eyes out]''

==== ''Class Action''  [2b] ====

===Episode 1.3===

==== ''Attack of the 5 1/2 Ft. Geek'' [3a] ====

:''[Sheldon is being thrown across the room by a bunch of bullies]''
:'''Jenny:''' Excuse me, I need to speak with the young man you're terrorizing.

==== ''Doom with a View'' [3b] ====

===Episode 1.4===

=== ''Ear No Evil'' [4a] ===
:'''Nora''': Earrings? I designed a &quot;state of the art&quot;, crime-fighting robot, not some simple mannequin to hang with googols and gimcrackery!

=== ''Unlicensed Flying Object'' [4b] ===
:'''Jenny''': It's got to be around here somewhere.
:'''Brad''': ''[tagging along while flying the jet pack]'' How about that gas station?
:'''Jenny''': No, that's a tra… ''[realizes]'' Huh?! Brad, what are you doing?
:'''Brad''': Duh. Trying out my new jet pack.
:'''Jenny''': I meant, what are you doing ''here?''
:'''Brad''': Helping you find the UFO.
:'''Jenny''': You can't do that. This is a very delicate intergalactic situation. Turn around and go home right now.
:'''Brad''': Your lips say, &quot;go home,&quot; but your eyes say…
:'''Jenny''': Leave? Look, Brad, this could be dangerous, and I can't watch out for you.
:'''Brad''': You don't have to. I can take care of myself.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuck''': ''[enters the UFO cockpit]'' Brad? ''[gasps upon seeing Brad fiddling around with the controls]'' Brad, what are you doing?! You're gonna blows us up or vaporize us or get us grounded! ''[Brad pulls a lever starting up the UFO as it starts rising off the ground]'' Or get us ''ungrounded.'' ''[Jenny hears the UFO rising, turns around, and sees it flying out the woods and into the sky]'' Get us down, get us down, get us down!
:'''Brad''': I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying! ''[The UFO screeches to a stop in midair]'' Did that stop it?
:'''Tuck''': No. ''[points to Jenny with her foot on it]'' ''That'' did.
:'''Jenny''': I thought I told you to stay put.
:'''Brad''': Well, we tried, but then you…
:'''Jenny''': Put the ship down.
:'''Brad''': That's what I…
:'''Jenny''': Down!
:'''Brad''': But…
:'''Jenny''': Now.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jenny''': ''[walks to the driver's seat, getting Brad her attention]'' Brad. Brad? BRAD!
:'''Brad''': What? W-what's going on?
:'''Jenny''': You're done driving. That's what's going on.
:'''Brad''': ''[smacks her hand away]'' Hey, who put ''you'' in charge of me?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alien Karl''': ''[as he and his wife walk back to their UFO]'' Yeah, well, personally, I can't wait to get off this hick planet. Bunch of rip-off artists, these earthlings. $5 for a cup of coffee. No extraterrestrial discount at the hotel, and I know that bellboy stole my tricorder!

=== ''Party Machine / Speak No Evil'' [1.5] ===
:'''Jenny''': Your little girl is growing up.
:'''Nora''': You're right, XJ-9. Well technically you're wrong because you're a robot and will remain a teenager forever, but metaphorically, you're absolutely right. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jenny''': How is it, again, that you know the Minutians will land here?
:'''Nora''': They always land here. Why do you think I moved here?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuck''': Hi, Jenny! How was Japan?
:'''Jenny''': [in Japanese] Good afternoon.
:'''Tuck''': &quot;Konichiwa&quot;? Cool! [He and his brother were given 2 gifts from Jenny] For us?
:'''Brad''': Aw, you didn't have to bring these.
:'''Jenny''': [in Japanese] Eh, no big.
:'''Tuck''': &quot;So ne&quot;. Hahaha!
:'''Brad''': ''[laughs]'' I got to run to the mall. Hey, Jenny, you want to come?
:'''Jenny''': [in Japanese] Sure.
:'''Brad''': Huh?
:'''Jenny''': [in Japanese] What's wrong with you? Don't you hear me? I love going to the mall. [she is surprised] Why Japanese? Why am I only speaking Japanese? Why? AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

=== ''See No Evil / The Great Unwashed'' [1.6] ===
:'''Jenny:''' ''[takes off her old eyes, sets them on her bed, and puts on the multi-functional bug-eyed eyes]'' Whoa, you're all blocky style.
:'''Nora:''' That's digital vision. Flip through the other settings.
:'''Jenny:''' ''[flipping through]'' Ultraviolet vision. Infrared vision. X-ray vision! Heat vision! Rainbow vision. Oh, pretty colors! Wow, I even have sausage vision. ''[flips back to normal setting]''
:'''Nora:''' So, what you think?
:'''Jenny:''' I think… ''[turns around, revealing the eyes are too big for her]'' I'll be the coolest-looking teenager ever!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jenny:''' Hey, Mom, which setting is number one?
:'''Nora:''' The number one? Normal.
:'''Jenny:''' That's funny. I thought you said, &quot;normal.&quot;
:'''Nora:''' I did.
:'''Jenny:''' ''[looks at her reflection, then Nora, then everything, all completely normal; enraged]'' Normal? You call ''this'' normal?! How could you do this to me?!
:'''Nora:''' Do what? What are you talking about?
:'''Jenny:''' I'm talking about these wiggly-squiggly bug snakes you call eyes!
:'''Nora:''' XJ-9, you're not looking at the big picture.
:'''Jenny:''' And you're not looking at ''this'' picture. It's called, &quot;I made my daughter a total dweeb.&quot;
:'''Nora:''' You don't look dweeb; I think you look very pa-hat.
:'''Jenny:''' It's pronounced &quot;fat,&quot; mother, and giant periscopes in your head are not phat, dope, or even cool! I want my old eyes back.
:'''Nora:''' What? But these are ''far'' more efficient.
:'''Jenny:''' Who cares about efficiency?
:'''Nora:''' I do. And so should you, young lady. Now, stop being silly.
:'''Jenny:''' The only way to stop being silly is to lose these jokes. ''[ditches the bug-eyed eyes, leaving her sightless]''
:'''Nora:''' XJ-9, you cannot go sightless. You have a job to do.
:'''Jenny:''' Give me my old eyes back, and I'll do it.
:'''Nora:''' Absolutely not.
:'''Jenny:''' Fine! ''[starts walking off]'' I'll save the world without your stinking eye-- ''[trips over a hot dog cart, getting hot dog wieners in her eye holes]''
:'''Nora:''' If you can't even conquer a hot dog cart, how can you hope to conquer evil?

=== ''The Return of the Raggedy Android / The Boy Who Cried Robot'' [1.7] ===
:Jenny:Hi!
:Brad: Oh! Hi! what's your name?
:Jenny (chuckles): Jenny.
:Brad: Jenny,huh?
:Brad: Aheh-hehe.
:Jenny (chuckles)
:Brad: My best friend's name is Jen...
:Jenny:OUCH!
:Brad:Jenny?
:Jenny: Best friend, huh?
:Brad: Wow, what happened? You look totally...normal.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:Brad: Hey, Jenny. 
:Jenny: (Overwhelmed of Tuck; yelling) WWWHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTT!?!?!?!?!? Oh! Brad, I am so sorry.

=== ''Sibling Tsunami / I Was a Preschool Dropout''  [1.8] ===

:'''Jenny:''' THIS IS SO STUPID!!!
: (The kindergarteners gasp)
:'''Amber:''' She said the S-word!
:'''Alex:''' [crying]
:'''Ms. Binky:''' That’s a time-out, young lady. Come with me. I’m very disappointed in you Jennifer. You don’t belong here.

=== ''Hostile Makeover / Grid Iron Glory'' [1.9] ===
:'''Jenny''': So, Vexus. Ready to surrender?
:'''Vexus''': So, you've dismantled a handful of my drones. But, we are legion! One day, soon, you will join us, and together, we will enslave the human race!
:'''Jenny''': Think again, evil robot queen. Because as long as there's a human being alive that needs my help, I'll be there. When you see a little kid trying to outrun a cannibal android, I'll be there. When you see some working guy trying to get his change back from a demon possessed snack machine, I'll be there. And when the day come that crime-fighting robots and plain folks can live together in peace, laughing and hooting it up...
:'''Vexus''': Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it already. But your words are meaningless! You will be a member of the Cluster before you know it. Be seeing you.
:'''Jenny''': What a… witch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jenny''': Well, Brad, thanks for making me look like a complete… ''[in deep voice]'' fool.
:'''Brad''': Whoa!
:'''Jenny''': ''[covering her mouth]'' Oh, no. Now my voice vo-coder is malfunctioning too! ''[baby laughs at her; dashes out of the restaurant grabbing a paper bag from a customer who was picking up his to-go order and sits in an alley wearing the bag on her head, completely embarrassed as Brad walks up to her]'' Great. I'll have to wear this bag on my head forever, and it smells like fish tacos.
:'''Brad''': Everyone goes through this, Jen. It's completely natural.
:''[Nanobot changes Jenny's mood to happiness on her mood-o-tron]''
:'''Jenny''': You're right. It's not so bad. Hey, maybe this bag thing will become a new fad: Fish taco bag heads.
:'''Brad''': That's the spirit.
:''[Nanobot changes her mood again to anger]''
:'''Jenny''': This is all your fault! ''[tackles Brad up against the wall]'' You and your lousy cover-up!
:'''Brad''': ♫ Someone's having mood swings. ♫
:''[Nanobot changes her mood again to sadness]''
:'''Jenny''': ''[tearfully]'' I'm sorry, sweet Brad. Please forgive me!
:'''Brad''': Don't sweet it, Jenn. Hey, I've bet you've already started to clear up.
:'''Jenny''': Really? You think so?
:'''Brad''': Sure.
:'''Jenny''': ''[takes the paper bag off her head]'' How do I look? ''[reveals her forehead has enlarged]''
:'''Brad''': Uhhh… ''[armpit wires pop out of her armpits]'' Eew. ''[watches in disgust as Jenny puts her arms down and they become bulkier and her stomach and chest grow larger]'' Huh? Ooh.
:'''Jenny''': ''[realizing she's transforming, gasps in horror]'' I gotta go! ''[flees back home]''
:'''Brad''': What's your hurry, Sally? I-I mean, Jenny?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nora:''' Young lady, you stop taking over the human race right now, or you are grounded!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(during the football game)''
:'''Jenny''': Are we the only ones left?
:'''Brad''': All that's left standing.
:'''Jenny''': But, what about Dominelli?
:'''Brad''': Broken scapula.
:'''Jenny''': Thomas?
:'''Brad''': They ripped his butt off.
:'''Jenny''': Sanchez?
:'''Brad''': Fractured toe.
:'''Jenny''': Parkins?
:'''Brad''': Inner-cranial dislocation.
:'''Jenny''': Lopez?
:'''Brad''': Real bad owwie.
:'''Jenny''': Cruz?
:'''Brad''': Comatose, but he wasn't much of a talker anyway.

=== ''Dressed To Kill / Shell Game'' [1.10] ===
:'''Tiff''': Whatever. You better find some inspiration and fast or we're gonna take our business elsewhere.

===Episode 11===

==== ''Daydream Believer'' [11a] ====

:'''Jenny''': ''[gushing]'' Oh my gosh, and then I enjoyed a glass of juice for the first time - orange juice! It tasted like apple! Then Don and I sat in a hot tub, and I didn't electrocute him!
:'''Brad''': You know, Jenn, dreams are more fun to have than to hear about. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Jenny''': I can turn my dream off anytime I want to. I'm in total control.
:'''Brad''': Is that why you've been jumping on desks and riding drinking fountains?

==== ''This Time with Feeling'' [11b] ====

:'''Himcules''': Now you’re laughing?! Laugh at this! ''[tosses the car at Jenny but it has no effect on her, she laughs again]'' Stop laughing at me!


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Jenny''': ''[giggling]'' That tickles. ''[giggles more]''
:'''Brad''': Yeah, they are a little primitive, you'll probably feel better without 'em.
:'''Jenny''': Yeah, you're right. [raises her arm up showing the last of her nerve ending, she touches it; and she laughs]

===Episode 1.12===

==== ''Saved by the Shell'' [12a] ====

:'''Don''': What’s your malfunction, lugnuts? If it’s that robot chick you’re after, you can have her! She’s nothing special.
:'''Silver Shell''': You take that back! Take it back!
:'''Don''': What’s the matter, loser? Did I strike a nerve?


:'''Jenny''': [notices the giant fly again] You again? You’ve bugged me for the last time! ''[activates into a bug zapper as the fly touches it, shocking him and instantly killing him]''

==== ''Tradeshow Showdown'' [12b] ====
:'''Nora''': XJ-9? XJ-9. XJ-9!
:'''Jenny''': ''[taking off her headphones]'' Mother, please don't call me that in front of the other robots! It's so embarrassing.
:'''Nora''': But I…
:'''Jenny''': Can't you call me Jenny, just for today?!
:'''Nora''': Yes, but I…
:'''Jenny''': Now, just leave me be until we get to the convention.
:'''Nora''': We are ''at'' the convention.
:'''Jenny''': Thanks, Mom! ''[gets out of the car and dashes off]'' See you later!
:'''Nora''': XJ-9, wait!

===Episode 1.13===

=== ''The Wonderful World of Wizzly'' [13a] ===

:''[after all the park robots have go wild]'' 
:'''Tuck''': Well, this is another fine mess you've gotten us into, Jennifer.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jenny''': That was horrible!
:'''Brad''': Okay, the waterfall was pretty weak. Just consider it a warm up for what's to come.
:'''Jenny''': A warm up?
:'''Brad''': Sure, ya gotta start somewhere.
:'''Tuck''': And the rest of the rides only get better.
:'''Jenny''': ''[upset]'' And do the rest of these rides make fools out of robots too?
:'''Brad''': What are you talking about?
:'''Jenny''': I'm talking about hydrolic surges forced into your hips to make them shake. Do you have any idea what that can do to a ball and socket joint?
:'''Brad''': Come on, Jenny. It's all in good fun!
:'''Jenny''': Yeah, fun for the ''humans''! How'd you like to sing some stupid song over and over all day long?

=== ''Call Hating'' [13b] ===

== Season 2 ==
=== ''Robot For All Seasons''  [2.1] ===


=== ''Future Shock / Humiliation 101''   [2.2] ===
:'''Jenny''': Looks like I'll have to settle for Brad again.
:'''Brad''': Settle? What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Jenny''': I just…I just meant-
:'''Brad''': Meant what? Brad's not datable? Brad's a loser? Brad couldn't get a date if he were rich, handsome and the last man on planet earth?
:'''Jenny''': I just meant we could go together if I couldn't find anyone else.
:'''Brad''': Don't you mean anyone better?
:'''Jenny''': No, I-
:'''Brad''': You must be pretty desperate.
:'''Jenny''': Look who's talking. I heard Kiki dumped you for Don Prima.
:'''Brad''': Hey, I dumped her!
:'''Jenny''': Was that before or after you got down on your knees and begged her to go to the movie with you?
:'''Tuck''': Juicy!
:'''Brad''': Well, at least I have options. Anyway, who says I'd settle for you? I already have a date.
:'''Jenny''': Oh, yeah?! Who?!
:'''Brad''': That's for me to know and you never to find out. That is unless you find a date, which I doubt! ''[leaves while laughing]''
:'''Jenny''': ''[yelling out the window]'' I DEMAND to know the name of your date!
:'''Brad''': Over my dead body!
:'''Jenny''': Don't give me any ideas! ''[slams the window door closed]''

=== ''Last Action Zero / Mind Over Matter''  [2.3] ===
:'''Crater Critters''': I guess you could say… that when it comes to… fighting earthlings… we rock!
:'''Jenny''': Aw, nuts!
:'''Crater Critter''': Since you ruined our favorite hotspot, it only seems fair that we get to eat your brain!
:'''Jenny''': Uh, you wouldn't like my brain! It's all circuity and metallic!
:'''Crater Critter''': Oh, good! We haven't been getting our recommended daily allowance of iron! ''[pulls out scalpel]''

=== ''Love 'Em or Leash 'Em / Teen Team Time''  [2.4] ===

=== ''Pajama Party Prankapalooza / Sister Sledgehammer''  [2.5] ===


=== ''Dancing With My Shell / Around the World in Eighty Pieces'' [2.6] ===
:''(after trying to dance with the SilverShell as he runs back into the gym again)''
:'''Jenny (XJ9)''': I've heard of playing hard to get, but hard to hang on to?! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brad''': ''(while escaping in the mini-jet from a flock of flying animals)'' What is this place?!
:'''Sheldon''':  It's evolution gone mad!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(after discussing how to find Jenny's pieces)''
:'''Tuck''': Are you sure Dr. Wakeman will loan her mini-jet to a dwarf, two teens, and a disembodied head?

=== ''Armagedroid / Killgore'' [2.7] ===
:''(about all the people around)''
:'''Jenny''': Wow, Killgore. How many people did you tell about this?
:'''Killgore''': Killgore has many adoring fans, that he shall destroy!!

=== ''A Pain In My Sidekick / Crash Pad Crash'' [2.8] ===
:'''Jenny''': Mom! You completely violated my privacy!
:'''Nora''': Privacy, schmivacy. There's science afoot. It's my latest invention: Sleepy-time Mist for insomniac babies. It's a lullaby in bottle without being addictive or causing diarrhea. Wait, what's this? Oil on the bed? And just look at the mess! It's like you're an animal or something. How many times must I tell you? It's an eyesore, a safety hazard, and against zoning regulations!
:'''Jenny''': ''[fueling her face up with red of anger]'' THAT'S ''IT!'' I can't take it anymore! You interfere with my phone calls, my eating habits, you bother me about everything! You probably read my diary.
:'''Nora''': You keep spelling &quot;infatuation&quot; wrong.

=== ''[[w:Escape from Cluster Prime|Escape from Cluster Prime]]''  [2.9] ===
:'''Nora''': You've destroyed the rocket, but did you disarm the war head?
:'''Jenny''': Did I what the what?
:'''Nora''': It's the part that goes BOOM!
:'''Jenny''': Oops...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Nora''': You are an amateur!
:'''Sheldon''': You are a Know-It-All!
:'''Nora''': Milbrat!
:'''Sheldon''': Birdnose!
:'''Nora''': How dare you?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sheldon''': (Subs) If you don't have her, and you don't have her, that means she's really missing!
:'''Nora''': We'll find her.
:'''Sheldon''': She could be anywhere between here and Cluster Prime!
:'''Vexus''': Cluster Prime?! THAT's why they won't stop calling me!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Brad and Tuck drop out of the sky]''
:'''Jenny''': Brad, Tuck!
:'''Tuck and Brad''': Jenny!
:''[Jenny and Brad hug while Tuck is in the middle]''
:'''Sheldon''': I didn't get a hug.
:''[they let go of each other but their arms are on each other's shoulders]''
:'''Jenny and Brad''': I'm so glad to see you.
:'''Jenny''': You crossed the galaxy just for me?
:'''Tuck''': Actually, we...
:''[Brad puts his hand over Tuck's mouth]''
:'''Brad''': Yes, yes, we did.

=== ''Victim of Fashion''  [2.10] ===
:'''Tiff''': ''(about Jenny's transformations)'' Now she has fashion growing out of her floppy drive? How're we supposed to compete with that?
:'''Brit''': Dont fret, Tiff. We've been the fashion divas of this school for too long. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheldon''': ''(to Jenny)'' But removing your weapons system? Are you sure that's such a good idea?
:'''Brad''': Yeah, Jen. Sounds pretty risky.
:'''Jenny''': ''(very certain)'' I don't care!!! It's better to be fashionable than functional. I want a slim-down look that will make Brit and Tiff look like stuffed sausages. Take it out! Take it all out!

=== ''Designing Women / Robot Riot''  [2.11] ===

=== ''Bradventure / Mama Drama''  [2.12] ===
Jenny: (facing Brad) I don't know how you did it but you came to my rescue and the bravery was 100% Brad,YOU'RE MY HERO! (Jenny and Brad hugged).

=== ''Toying with Jenny / Teenage Mutant Ninja Troubles'' [2.13] ===

=== ''Teen Idol /Good Old Sheldon'' [2.14] ===
:'''Old Sheldon''': Jenny! ''[slowly walks towards Jenny and hits her on the head with his cane]'' You ruined my life! ''[falls on his back]''
:'''Jenny''': Who are you, and what are you talking about?
:'''Old Sheldon''': ''[sits up]'' I'm your old pal! Sheldon!
:'''Tuck''': Crazy old person.
:'''Brad''': Move away slowly.
:'''Old Sheldon''': I'm Sheldon I tell ya! I just got me a few wrinkles since you abandoned me… ''[falls on his back again]'' 75 years ago!
:'''Brad''': That's crazy talk, pops.
:'''Jenny''': We just saw Sheldon yesterday.
:'''Tuck''': Yeah, hangin' out with those freaky Jenny worshiping aliens.
:'''Old Sheldon''': Those awful aliens. I remember it like it was yesterday.
:'''Tuck''': It ''was'' yesterday, you old--
:'''Old Sheldon''': ''[covers Tuck's mouth with his hand from talking]'' Hush, boy! I'm telling a story. When Jenny hurled those aliens into outer space, ''[Flashback to the previous episode]'' I was onboard. I tried to get 'em to turn around, but there was a bit of a communication gap. Catching a ride back was impossible! I had to find work to survive. I couldn't keep up as a mechanic, couldn't master beauty salon work, and couldn't stomach the fast food industry.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Brad''': So, was everything okay with Sheldon?
:'''Jenny''': Sheldon should be just fine.
:'''Sheldon''': Jenny! How dare you let those pirates take me?! Who leaves a baby out in space with Space Pirates for 15 years?!
:'''Jenny''': It was the only way to get you back to the correct age. Now, I'm glad everything's back to normal.
:'''Sheldon''': Normal?! I've just spent 90 years of my life in outer space! And you call that normal?! I will ''never'' forgive you!

== Season 3 ==
===''Samurai Vac/Turncoats'' [3.13]===
:'''Jenny''': Give it up, XJ-4!
:'''XJ-4''': Don't get in the way, XJ-9, or I'll put you through the wringer!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''XJ-4''': ''[after Jenny punches her, sending her into a closet with Nora's shoes; groans]'' Once I finish sorting all these shoes, YOU'RE DONE FOR!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''XJ-6''': Well, if it isn't Mommy's favorite!
:'''Jenny''': Alright, XJ-6, who's controlling you?!
:'''XJ-6''': Oh, what do you ought to know?! So you can step in and save the day! It's always XJ-9, the big hero. What about the rest of us, chop litter?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''XJ-7''': ''[after self-destructing herself]'' Oh, I'm such a loser. I can't even self-destruct right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Nora''': ''[last lines of the series]'' Jenny, did you forget to feed the tiger?

==Cast==
* Jenny Wakeman (voiced by {{w|Janice Kawaye}})
* Nora Wakeman (voiced by {{w|Candi Milo}})
* Brad (voiced by {{w|Chad Doreck}})
* Tuck (voiced by {{w|Audrey Wasilewski}})
* Sheldon (voiced by {{w|Quinton Flynn}})

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title | id=0318233 | title=My Life as a Teenage Robot}}

[[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s Nickelodeon original series]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Anime-influenced Western animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated action TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated science fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated superhero TV shows]]
[[Category:Teen superhero TV shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Nicktoons]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about robots]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about teenagers]]
[[Category:Teen animated TV shows]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Deadwood (TV series)</title>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-26T21:20:05Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
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      <comment>/* External links */ r/m Template:Tv.com show</comment>
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      <text bytes="117465" xml:space="preserve">{{DISPLAYTITLE:''Deadwood'' (TV series)}}
'''''[[w:Deadwood (TV series)|Deadwood]]''''' is a HBO television drama that originally aired from March 2004 to August 2006, set in the 1870s in [[w:Deadwood, South Dakota|Deadwood]], [[w:Dakota Territory|Dakota Territory]]. It features many historical figures, such as Wild Bill Hickok, Seth Bullock, Sol Star, Calamity Jane, and Al Swearengen.

==Season One==

===[[w:Deadwood (episode)|Deadwood]]===

:'''[[w:Jack McCall|Jack McCall]]''': Should we shake hands or something, relieve the atmosphere? I mean how stupid do you think I am?
:'''[[w:Wild Bill Hickok|Bill Hickok]]''': I don't know, I just met you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Seth Bullock|Seth Bullock]]''': We got chamber pots to sell ya. And if you don't know what one of those is, the man livin' next to you will appreciate your findin' out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:List of Deadwood characters#A. W. Merrick|Merrick]]''': ''[To Charlie about Wild Bill Hickok]'' What a grand surprise. I never thought he'd live long enough for me to meet him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Al Swearengen|Al Swearengen]]''': Well, I guess when it starts pissin' rain in here, you know who to blame, huh? Now, I know word's circulatin' Indians killed a family on the Spearfish Road. Now it's not for me to tell anyone in this camp what to do, as much as I don't want more people gettin' their throats cut, scalps lifted or any other godless thing that these godless bloodthirsty heathens do. Or even if someone wants to ride out in darkest night. But I will tell you this. I'd use tonight to get myself organized. Ride out in the morning clear-headed. And startin' tomorrow morning, I will offer a personal $50 bounty for every decapitated {sic} head of as many of these godless heathen cocksuckers as anyone can bring in. Tomorrow. With no upper limit! That's all I say on that subject, 'cept next round's on the house. And God rest the souls of that poor family. And pussy's half price, next 15 minutes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': Let her go; she ain't taking any business with her. And don't forget to kill Tim.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Calamity Jane|Calamity Jane]]''': Is it true? Indians killin' white people?
:'''[[w:List of Deadwood characters#Dan Dority|Dan]]''': ''[to Al]'' That's the sewer mouth that follows Hickok around.
:'''Calamity Jane''': Why are we standin' here?
:'''Guy''': Ridin' out tomorrow, daybreak.
:''' Calamity Jane''': Oh, really? Tomorrow. What's your fuckin' rush?! I'm goin' now. Even without Bill. Even without Charlie. I know the road to Spearfish. And I don't drink where I'm the only fuckin' one with balls!

===Deep Water===
:''[after Al reveals that a member of Phil's gang came to Deadwood after the massacre]''
:'''Persimmon Phil''': He swore he'd head to Cheyenne...
:'''Al Swearengen''': Yeah, but here's closer, isn't it? All you cocksuckers go for the easiest chance.
:'''Persimmon Phil''': So... where is he now?
:'''Al Swearengen''': Where he is now is, he stirs the whole camp up last night with his massacre story 'til I'm giving liquor away and cunt at half price just to keep my crowd controlled. Party makes up from Nuttall's to ride back out to Spearfish, Wild Bill Hickok and those two guys walked past you downstairs save the squarehead kid, tell Ned to stick around 'til they see what the kid has to say about him. 
:'''Persimmon Phil''': Wild Bill Hickok?
:'''Al Swearengen''': And Ned throws down.
:'''Persimmon Phil''': Against Wild Bill Hickok?
:'''Al Swearengen''': Against Hickok and this other cocksucker who draws almost as fast, so it's a toss-up who blew Ned's head off.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Doc Cochran''': I see as much misery outta them movin’ to justify their selves as them that set out to do harm.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': Let's leave it all alone. I'm stupidest when I try to be funny.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': You don't want to interfere with me.
:'''Calamity Jane''': You think I'm scared of you?
:'''Al Swearengen''': Sure you are. And if I take a knife to you you'll be scared worse and a long time dying.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bill Hickok''': If irritating me is the jackpot, you got the job done.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Reverend Smith''': Men like Mr. Seth Bullock there raise the camp up.
:'''Johnny''': Yeah, the fella to be put in that box might argue with you, Reverend.
:'''Reverend Smith''': Ah, Mr. Bullock did not draw first.  And I point to his commissioning me to build the departed a coffin and, and see to his Christian burial.

===Reconnoitering the Rim===

:'''Jack McCall''': ''[While playing poker]'' Well, that's one in a row for you, Wild Bill. Who's hungry? What in the hell damn time is it anyway?
:'''Wild Bill''': Sure you wanna quit playin', Jack? The game's all that's between you and gettin' called a cunt.
:'''Tom Nuttall''': Ah, meeting adjourned, fellas. Take it outside.
:'''Wild Bill''': That drooped eye of yours looks like the hood of a cunt to me, Jack. When you talk, your mouth looks like a cunt moving.
:'''Jack McCall''': I ain't gonna get in no gunfight with you, Hickok.
:'''Wild Bill''': But you ''will'' run your cunt mouth at me. And I ''will'' take it to play poker.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': ''[during a meeting with Johnny Burns, E.B. Farnum, and Jimmy Irons]'' I wanna know who cut the cheese. ''[nobody answers]'' I'll tell you this for openers: we are gonna set off an area on the balcony. ''[opens the door to the balcony]'' And God help whoever doesn't use it, because the next stink I have to smell in this office, and whoever doesn't admit to it is going out the window, into the muck, onto their fucking heads, and we'll see how they like farting from that position, okay?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': ''[discussing Custer at Little Bighorn]'' I'll tell you this, son, you can mark my words, Crazy Horse went into Little Bighorn, bought his people one good, long-term ass-fucking. You do not want to be a dirt-worshipping heathen from this fucking point forward. Pardon my French.
:'''Joanie Stubbs:''' Oh, I speak French.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brom Garret''': If I'm stooped when next you see me, Alma, it won't be worry weighing me down, but bags of our recovered gold.
:'''Alma Garret''': If you wish to see more of the West let's leave now and see it, or else return back to New York. I don't think we should linger here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''':  Every fuckin’ beatin’ I’m grateful for. Every fuckin’ one of them. Get all the trust beat outta you. And you know what the fuckin’ world is.

===Here Was A Man===
:'''Wild Bill Hickok''': ''[on prospecting]'' What slows me down is thinking about freezing my balls off in a creek for the cocksuckers I'd lose the gold to at poker.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cy Tolliver''': How about a nap, a bath and sex with a unfamiliar woman?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wild Bill Hickok''': Some goddamn time, a man's due to stop arguing with hisself, feeling twice the goddamn fool he knows he is because he can't be something he tries to be every goddamn day without once getting to dinnertime and not fucking it up. I don't want to fight it no more. Understand me, Charlie? And I don't want you pissing in my ear about it. Can you let me go to hell the way I want to?
:'''Charlie Utter''': Yeah. I can do that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': Her husband came here with childish ideas.  Bought himself a gold claim with me an honest broker.  Claim pinches out, which will happen.  But he can't take that like a man, has to blame somebody.  Seller's left camp, so he picks on me.  Says he'll bring in the Pinkertons if I don't offer restitution.  I got a healthy operation and I didn’t build it brooding on the right, and wrong of things.  I do not need the Pinkertons descending like locusts.  So I bend over for the tenderfoot cocksucker.  Reconnoiter your claim fully, I say.  And then, if you're still unhappy, I will give you your fucking money back.  And the tenderfoot agrees.  Just as he's finishing his reconnoiter, cocksucker falls to his death, pure fucking accident.  But up jumps the widow in righteous fucking indignation.  Wants the doctor to examine him for murder wounds.  My visions of locusts return.  I see Pinkertons coming in swarms.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wild Bill Hickok''': You know the sound of thunder, don't you, Mrs. Garrett?
:'''Alma Garrett''': Of course.
:'''Wild Bill Hickok''': Can you imagine that sound if I asked you to?
:'''Alma Garrett''': Yes I can, Mr. Hickok.
:'''Wild Bill Hickok''':' Your husband and me had this talk, and I told him to head home to avoid a dark result. But I didn't say it in thunder. Ma'am, listen to the thunder.

===The Trial of Jack McCall===
:'''Doc Cochran''': I don't know if this is the time for you to stop takin' this laudanum, Mrs. Garrett.
:'''Alma Garret''': What a pleasant surprise, doctor.  To hear you admit the limits of your knowledge.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': Let me say this once in your hearing.  For outright stupidity, the whole fuckin' trial concept goes shoulder to shoulder with that cocksucker Custer's thinkin' when he headed for that ridge.
:'''Cy Tolliver''': It's got its disadvantages.
:'''Al Swearengen''': We’re illegal.  Our whole goal is to get annexed to the United fuckin' States.  We start holdin' trials, what's to keep the United States fuckin' Congress from sayin' &quot;Oh, excuse us, we didn't realize you were a fuckin' sovereign community and nation out there.  Where's your cocksucker's flag?  Where's your fuckin’ navy or the like?  Maybe when we make our treaty with the Sioux, we should treat you people like renegade fuckin' Indians.  Deny your fuckin' gold and property claims.  And hand everything over instead to our ne'er-do-well cousins and brothers-in-law.&quot;
:'''Cy Tolliver''': That we don't want.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': Before a guilty verdict would get executed on that cocksucker, three men would walk in that meat locker where he's bein' held with bags over their heads and cut his fuckin' throat.  And within half an hour, that celestial's little pigs will be on their backs with their hooves in the air, belching up human remains.
:'''Judge''': Are you saying you'd order that to be done?
:'''Al Swearengen''': I'm sayin' I had a vision it'd happen. My second of the day. First come when I was watchin' you and them lawyers on line this morning. They began to slither in my sight like vipers.  So as not to puke, I had to close my eyes.  The vision went on.  Got worse.  I saw the vipers in the big nest in Washington.  They were takin' us in the camp for actin' like we could set out own laws up or organizations and then saw the big viper decide to strangle and swallow us up every fuckin' thing we gain here.  It was horrible.  How could we fuckin' avoid it?  How could we let the vipers in the big nest know that we didn’t wanna cause any fuckin' trouble?
:'''Judge''': And that's when you had your second vision.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Yeah, the cut throats and the pigs.  But who wants all that blood spilled, judge, huh?  Isn't there a simpler way of not pissing off the big vipers?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': Sometimes I wish we could just hit 'em over the head, rob 'em, and throw their bodies in the creek.
:'''Cy Tolliver''': But that would be wrong.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''E.B.''': What's he ever done for me? Except let him terrify me every goddamned day of his life 'til the idea of bowel regularity is a forlorn fuckin' hope.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': Remember this when you run your own place: that type guy, hanging around, gets people agitated, forces 'em to take a position, one side or the other. And agitation brings a slight bump-up in whiskey sales but the sale of cunt plummets. That's why I often wonder if I should take that fucking picture of Lincoln down.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Seth Bullock''': That man is a lunatic. High water he never made much sense, but now? He just utters pure gibberish.
:'''Sol Star''': Did he look pale to you? 
:'''Seth Bullock''': What? 
:'''Sol Star''': Did he seem pale? 
:'''Seth Bullock''': How the fuck do I know if he was pale? 
:'''Sol Star''': He looked pale to me. 
:'''Seth Bullock''': What if he was? Let's say he was. Will you shut up about it? What is my part, and your part? ''[mocking]'' &quot;What part of my part is your part? Is my foot your knee? What about your ear?&quot; What the fuck is that?
:'''Sol Star''': Yeah, I don't know.
:'''Seth Bullock''': What don't you know? If he was pale or not?
:'''Sol Star''': What you're supposed to do.
:'''Seth Bullock''': I'm not supposed to do anything! Let's agree to that. Not one fucking thing that I don't decide I'm gonna. All right, Sol? 
:'''Sol Star''': All right. ''[Bullock begins to walk away]'' Suspenders.
:'''Seth Bullock''': God damn it! If I kill the droop-eyed son of a bitch and my part's getting hanged for it, good luck with the fucking store.
:'''Sol Star''': All right.
:'''Seth Bullock''': I will write to Martha and see it posted. You look out after that widow.
:'''Sol Star''': All right, Seth.
:'''Seth Bullock''': Can I impose on you to pack a bag for me to cut down on the cocksucker's head start?
:'''Sol Star''': Be ready for you when you ride out.
:'''Seth Bullock''': Thanks, Sol.

===Plague===
:'''A.W. Merrick''': May I say, Dan, having resumed drinking alcohol, I cannot for the life of me remember why I ever gave it up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': Woman lives in your fucking hotel, but you can't find pretext for pressing the offer on her claim?
:'''E.B. Farnum''': I can't outflank Trixie, Al. The whore guards that widow like a mother hen.
:'''Al Swearengen''': She's dosed her with opium, priming her for your approach.
:'''E.B. Farnum''': Be that as it may...
:'''Al Swearengen''': E.B., put that offer in your pocket, you knock on the widow's door.
:'''E.B. Farnum''': But Trixie'll answer.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Trixie answers you tell her that I want to talk to her. Trixie leaves, you gain entry, broach the sale. Can you circumnavigate the child or must I map that for you too?
:'''E.B. Farnum''': ''[mutters under his breath]''
:'''Al Swearengen''': What?
:'''E.B. Farnum''': Nothing.
:'''Al Swearengen''': ''[on hearing a knock at the door]'' Come on in, Doc, him and me are finished. Anyway, don't play that shit where you make me drag your words outta you. Declare, or shut the fuck up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': I'd rather try touching the moon than take on a whore's thinking.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Doc Cochran''': I take it you've been out on a hoot?
:'''Calamity Jane''': I've been drunk awhile; correct.  What the fuck is that to you?
:'''Doc Cochran''': The question was well meant. Like if you was a farmer, I'd ask ya how the farming was going.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charlie Utter''': ''[Explaining the markings on the horse of the native that nearly killed Bullock]'' The three red hands on the pony's flank was three men killed hand-to-hand. The red circle was one killed on horseback. The white lines on the pony's legs was times the heathen counted coup. With them, whether you mean to kill your man after or you're just showing off, you hit 'em with a gun butt or a stick or a club; that's counting coup. That's why he come for you instead of picking you off with an arrow, like he did your horse. ''[...]'' That was one bad hombre you got by, Bullock.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charlie Utter''': ''[on burying a dead Native]'' You ain't doin' him no favor.  I mean his way to heaven's above ground and lookin' west.
:'''Seth Bullock''': Let's do that, then.
:'''Charlie Utter''': Don't you want to take him over the ridge?  To his fuckin' Holy Ground and put him up there with his headless buddy?  I mean, that's what you nearly got killed for:  interfering with his big fuckin' medicine, burying his fuckin' buddy, over the fuckin' ridge!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Calamity Jane''': I'm calling on the widow and the little one in her care, and if I was you I wouldn't try to stop me.
:'''E.B.''': Be brief!
:'''Calamity Jane''': Be fucked!
:'''E.B.''': Her gutter mouth, and the widow in an opium stupor: a conversation for the ages.

===Bullock Returns to the Camp===
:'''Al Swearengen''': We teach a special sweeping technique here.
:''[Al indicates Jewel, who is sweeping the stairs.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': That widow ain't high.
:'''E.B. Farnum''': Maybe waiting till after the service
:'''Al Swearengen''': When she'd want to get good and loaded is before the fucking service, against all the fucking carrying on. What do you think?
:'''E.B. Farnum''': Makes sense.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Meaning all that whore's been telling me the last ten fucking days, about seeing the widow taking the dope, your own fucking assurances, you verify that she's loaded personally, you're both full of shit.
:'''E.B. Farnum''': I checked in on the woman daily. If I was fooled, perhaps I've chosen simplemindedness, Al, over realizing a certain friend has used me as an instrument of purposes he concealed.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Say what you're gonna say or prepare for eternal fucking silence.
:'''E.B. Farnum''': I don't believe you commissioned me to make an offer on the widow's claim to keep the regulators off you, Al. I think someone found something out there you want.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Assume you ain't been privy to the ins and outs of that matter for the sake of fucking conversation, huh? I mean, was I asleep, E.B., when you and me declared undying loyalty and full faith mutual disclosure, about every fucking detail of every fucking move we were ever going to make together?
:'''E.B. Farnum''': You used me as a pawn, Al.
:'''Al Swearengen''': And you fucked up the game is the central fucking present issue. We agreed on 2,000, you want a fucking percentage instead?
:'''E.B. Farnum''': Is that such an inconceivable proposition?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': Oh, do you worry for her, Dan?  Wandering the muck of our thoroughfare, her tiny self all but swallowed up in horseshit?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Miles''': They're nice here. And Mr. Swearengen's funny as all get out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Seth Bullock''': You and I know how it is, Mr. Swearengen.
:'''Al Swearengen''': How what is?
:'''Seth Bullock''': She gets a square shake, or I come for you.
:'''Al Swearengen''': What if I come for you, you ready for that?
:'''Seth Bullock''': I guess I better be.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Then close your fucking store because being ready for me will take care of your waking hours and you better have someone to hand the task off to when you close your fucking eyes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Seth Bullock''': Jack McCall!
:'''Jack McCall''': ''[With his back to Bullock]'' I'm done, I don't wanna play no more.
:'''Seth Bullock''': ''[Speaking to others]'' Bein’ a loud-mouthed cunt I guess sometime since he’s been here this fella who “don’t wanna play no more” probably spoke of killin’ Wild Bill Hickok… well, we’re Bill Hickok’s friends. ''[Everyone scrambles out of the room]''
:'''Seth Bullock''': I'm Seth Bullock.
:'''Charlie Utter''': and I'm Charlie Utter
:'''Seth Bullock''': And if you got your head blown off, sitting here with your back turned, that’d be as fair a play as you gave him.

===Suffer the Little Children===
:'''Rider''': God bless you, Mr. Swearengen.
:'''Swearengen''': Well, not likely. But my short-term prospects have just improved.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''A.W. Merrick''': Why did you strike me?
:'''Doc Cochran''': To secure your attention.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alma Garrett''': ''[on her claim]'' Is the technical term &quot;bonanza&quot;? ''[Seth nods]'' It's a bonanza, Mr. Farnum.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': Dan's a fucking expert.  When he's not shit-faced drunk, so's Ellsworth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': My oath on this: every day that the widow sits on her ass in New York City, looks west at sunset and thinks to herself &quot;God bless you ignorant cocksuckers in Deadwood, who do strive mightily and at little money to add to my ever-increasing fortune,&quot; she'll be safe from the wiles of Al Swearengen.

===No Other Sons or Daughters===
:'''Al Swearengen''': In life you have to do a lot of things you don't fucking want to do. Many times, that's what the fuck life is... one vile fucking task after another. But don't get aggravated... then the enemy has you by the short hairs.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': The direction of my thoughts—with the sustained fucking stupidity that you're exhibiting, I hesitate to voice them—is that you might want to train for Phil's former position.
:'''Johnny''': Al... I have hoped for this conversation ever since you give me that Indian head to hide.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Johnny''': ''[coming down the stairs]'' Hey, Al. Any reason I can't share with Dan the, uh, proceedings of the talk me and you just had about me, uh, takin' over for Persimmon Phil?
:'''Al Swearengen''': Yeah, keep Dan in the dark.
:''[Johnny looks at Al, crestfallen.]''
:'''Dan''': Hey, Johnny.
:'''Johnny''': Dan.
:'''Dan''': What’s new?
:''[Johnny looks down sadly and says nothing.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Reverend Smith''': This is God's purpose. The not knowing the purpose is my portion of suffering.
:'''Doc Cochran''': And is there any pain competing with the not knowing?
:'''Reverend Smith''': I'm not in pain. There are new smells I smell, and there are parts of my body I can't feel, and His—and His love.
:'''Doc Cochran''': And you want to continue like this?
:'''Reverend Smith''': As he long as He wills, this must be my part. To be afraid, as well.
:'''Doc Cochran''': Well, if this is His will, Reverend, He is a son of a bitch.

===Mister Wu===
:''[Wu is explaining his problem to Al by drawing pictures]''
:'''Mr. Wu''': Bok Gwai Lo... cocksucka!
:'''Al Swearengen''': Yeah, glad I taught you that fuckin' word.  These are whites, huh?
:'''Mr. Wu''': White cocksucka! ''[shows empty bag]''
:'''Al Swearengen''': Two white cocksuckers killed him and stole the dope that he was bringing to you.
:'''Mr. Wu''': White cocksucka!  You, Swedgin.
:'''Al Swearengen''': ''[suddenly enraged]'' The dope that you were gonna fuckin' sell to me?
:'''Mr. Wu''': White cocksucka.
:'''Al Swearengen''': These two white cocksuckers?  Who the fuck did it?
:'''Mr. Wu''': Wu?
:'''Al Swearengen''': &quot;Who,&quot; you ignorant fuckin’ chink!
:'''Mr. Wu''': Wu!
:'''Al Swearengen''': Who? Who? Who stole the fucking dope?
:'''Mr. Wu''': Cocksucka!
:'''Al Swearengen''': Aw, Jesus.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''E.B.''': Anything the mayor should know?
:'''Al Swearengen''': The name of another tailor.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': As damp as your hands are, why do you continuously lick your fuckin' thumb?
:'''E.B.''': Habit, I suppose.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Could you learn the habit of lickin' a fuckin' stump?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': You can't slit the throat of everyone whose character it would improve.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': ''[to Adams]'' Get a fuckin' haircut. Looks like your mother fucked a monkey.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''A.W. Merrick''': How many memories, fond to their recollection, have their setting in that tight little dining room?
:'''Charlie Utter''': Yeah, well it’s fucked now. 
:'''Seth Bullock''': Anyways, we gotta open soon.
:'''A.W. Merrick''': Who would argue that the venue was the cause of these happy memories, nor the bill of fare? The bitter coffee, the rancid bacon, those stale biscuits that were tomb and grave to so many insects. No, gentlemen, it was the meandering conversation, the lingering with men of character - some of whom are walking with me now - that was such pleasure to experience, and such a joy now to recall. 
:'''Sol Star''': Good of you to say, Mr. Merrick.
:'''Charlie Utter''': Yeah… back atcha, as far as… that goes. 
:'''Seth Bullock''': Yeah.

===Jewel's Boot Is Made For Walking===
:'''Silas Adams''': They believe you're the man to deal with.  Yankton.
:'''Al Swearengen''': I am.
:'''Silas Adams''': It's just the magistrate looking to earn off that warrant.  But no one else even knows it's out on you.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Maybe the magistrate needs to die.
:'''Silas Adams''': Maybe he does.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[On Stapleton being appointed Sheriff]''
:'''Al Swearengen''': Bullock, it's a ceremonial position to give comfort to Tom Nuttall, who feels the camp's leavin' him behind.  Putting a badge on Stapleton makes him feel he's got friends in high places.
:'''Seth Bullock''': That job shouldn't go to a shitheel.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Where as my feeling would be it should go to a shitheel, as it's shitheel's work.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': I want to tell you somethin' about the law. Please, take a seat. Separate from all the bribes we put up, I paid 5000 dollars to avoid being the object of fireside ditties about a man that fled a murder warrant then worked very hard to get his camp annexed by the territory, only to have them serve the warrant of him and to face the six-foot drop. Into the magistrate's pocket the money goes, after which he sends a message.  The 5,000'll need company if I'm to be off the hook.  I give you the law.
:'''Seth''': It doesn't have to be like that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': Hey Doc, how long were you planning on taking before you told me what the fuck was wrong with Jewel?
:'''Doc Cochran''': Nothing, nothing she wasn't born with.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Mmm, I mean, she told me she was knocked up but I assumed that was her gimp sense of humor.
:'''Doc Cochran''': She wants me to brace her leg so her dragging it doesn't drive you crazy.
:'''Al Swearengen''': So what'd you tell her?
:'''Doc Cochran''': Not to worry about your moods, that you generate those yourself and then you find your excuse for having 'em.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Saucy words Doc, good thing you're handy with the snatch.
:'''Doc Cochran''': I had an idea for a boot, just now measured her for it.
:'''Al Swearengen''': If you treat her as successfully as you did the minister, she'll be kicking up her heels in no fucking time.
:'''Doc Cochran''': I will leave you now to pursue another excuse.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''':  Don’t you think I don't understand. I mean, what can anyone of us ever really fuckin' hope for, huh? Except for a moment here and there with a person who doesn't want to rob, steal or murder us? At night, it may happen. Sun-up, one person against the fuckin' wall, the other may hop on the fuckin' bed trusting each other enough to tell half the fucking truth. Everybody needs that. Becomes precious to 'em. They don't want to see it fucked with.
:'''Sol''': I won't pay.
:'''Al Swearengen''': You pay… or she pays.  No home visits.  Do your visiting on the premises, five. ''[Sol slides five coins across the bar]'' Seven for an ass-fuck.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Seth Bullock''': That man's not here to help his daughter, he's looking to root at her claim. You went to see that whore again?
:'''Sol Star''': I guess she had to account for her being outside, Swearengen sent for me to pay him his fee. I guess she told him where she'd been.
:'''Seth Bullock''': It might have been me he found out from, Sol, 'cause I'm sometimes that stupid.
:'''Sol Star''': You think it could have been you?
:'''Seth Bullock''': I'm sure it was, speaking without thinking, justifying being in his place.
:'''Sol Star''': Being you'd been ousted from your own.
:'''Seth Bullock''': I was hot seeing that tinhorn Stapleton getting installed as sheriff, and I used poor fucking judgment.
:'''Sol Star''': Sorry Mrs. Garret's pa turns out a shitheel.
:'''Seth Bullock''': Cold enough world without gettin' gone against by your own.

===Sold Under Sin===
:'''Al Swearengen''': This bloated tick, Claggett, feeding on the neck of the fucking military.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''E.B. Farnum''': Cavalry in camp, Doc. May I number you in the reception committee?
:'''Doc Cochran''': Fuck the cavalry and the committee that receives 'em

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': Walk in unannounced is a good way to get yourself killed, Doc.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Otis Russell''': ''[To E.B.]'' It must cost you sleep, the guests you drive off, the chances of thievin' and bilkin' you lose needing to rub against your betters.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Seth Bullock''': You and I are gonna talk.
:'''Otis Russell''': You don't account for my preferences, Mr. Bullock?
:'''Seth Bullock''': I will beat you here in the street.
:'''Otis Russell''': First-rate thinking. My daughter's agent beats her father in the street, how better to condemn Alma to deepened suspicion as to her role in her husband's violent death and widen suspicion to include yourself? Shoot craps, Mr. Bullock? Were you bullied, Mr. Bullock, when young and incapable? Now you see wrongs everywhere and bullying you feel called to remedy. The bully who oppressed your youth isn't at the table with us, perhaps he's long dead. If you will view the present with more clarity, perhaps you'd recognize that I'm not victimizing my daughter, but merely asking for a small portion of the ample proceeds from her veins. Alma is hurt only in your particular view of things. And while I'll sign no guarantee not to return, or against any future claim on her compassion, realize I do hate it here. And if you inhale and expel pure righteousness, my olfactories are keen to the smell of shit. Having heard all that and knowing, as you must, the injudiciousness of making an enemy of a man who could testify truthfully that, five minutes before her marriage, he heard his daughter wish her prospective husband dead, and who won't shrink from lying as to what she admitted to him on his arrival in this cesspool, as to her complicity in her husband's murder, I suppose you'd best take your swing.
:'''Seth Bullock''': ''[After beating Mr. Russell]'' All right. Leave this camp, and draw a map for anyone who wants to believe your fucking lies. Anyone wants to put your daughter or her holdings in jeopardy, you show 'em how to get here and you tell 'em I'll be waiting.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Seth Bullock''': I don't care if the whole U.S. Cavalry walks in here, you don't want to pour another drink. You just want to listen to me 'cause if the man doesn't die whose face I just broke, he's gonna go to New York City and tell Brom Garret's people it breaks his heart to say so but his daughter had their son murdered. He'll tell 'em, knowing how he does, they won't want their son's rightful property in the hands of the woman who killed him. He'll swear to what he heard from her own lips. And those society people in New York City, who live with their heads up their asses anyway, will believe him. And whoever they send out here may take up to fifteen minutes before they decide that since you were involved in the transaction first to last. It must have been you and your boss she hired to push her idiot husband off the cliff. Of course, they'll be wrong about Mrs. Garret, but they'll be right as rain about you two cocksuckers. You tell him all that upstairs.
:'''Dan Dority''': If he don't die.
:'''Seth Bullock''': If he don't die. I don't think I killed him.
:'''Dan Dority''': Just so I understand you, if he don't die, you're saying the man's luck don't have to hold out. Now, that's the message you want me to take upstairs.
:'''Seth Bullock''': I don't swim in that shit.
:'''Dan Dority''': You oughta pin that [sheriff's badge] on your chest. You're hypocrite enough to wear it.
:'''Seth Bullock''': You just tell him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sol Star''': I'm guessing you've done things today you wish you could amend.
:'''Seth Bullock''': What kind of man have I become, Sol?
:'''Sol Star''': I don't know. The day ain't fucking over.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Seth Bullock''': May I speak?
:'''Cy Tolliver''': Mr. Bullock.
:'''Seth Bullock''': I was a marshal in Montana, my father served in the British Royal Army, and my brother Robert was a cavalryman, killed fighting the Comancheros in Texas. 
:'''General Crook''': Why are you here, Mr. Bullock?
:'''Seth Bullock''': A man named Otis Russell is laid up in this establishment, he needs protection.
:'''General Crook''': Protection from whom?
:'''Seth Bullock''': Several in this camp. I beat him badly. Others have reason to wish him dead, and the camp sheriff can be bought off for half a can of bacon grease.
:'''General Crook''': Well, while we're here, I will hold Mr. Russell under protection, as a gesture to your brother's sacrifice.
:'''Seth Bullock''': Thank you, sir.
:'''General Crook''': I would add, in a camp, where the sheriff can be bought for bacon grease, a man, a former marshal, who understands the danger of his own temperament, might consider serving his fellows. We all have bloody thoughts.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Seth Bullock''': I'll be the fucking sheriff.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Startin' when?
:'''Seth Bullock''': Startin' now.
:'''Al Swearengen''': You have the tin?
:'''Seth Bullock''': I do.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Produce it.
:''[Seth stands up, and pulls out the badge]''
:'''Al Swearengen''': On the tit.
:'''Seth Bullock''': I know where it goes. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': Announcing your plans is a good way to hear God laugh.

==Season Two==

===A Lie Agreed Upon, Part One===

:'''Al Swearengen''': ''[to Bullock]'' Sheriff! About his duties to the camp, huh? Luck trouble didn't jump out earlier, huh, Bullock? Might have found you mid-thrust at other business. ''[Bullock stops and stares]'' What is it? Taken by a vision? ''[Bullock glares at him]''  You would not want to be staring like ''that'' at ''me.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': Age impedes my stream, no fucking fear of you.
:'''Seth Bullock''': Get in here.
:'''Al Swearengen''': All in due fucking course but tell me one thing first, Bullock, as I stand here fucking humbled. Does the widow Garret have a going fucking hard rock concern and five-stamp mill crushing gold out of her quartz all day and fucking night?
:'''Seth Bullock''': What?
:'''Al Swearengen''': Or does she cast her lot with the camp, furnish others here a chance to develop what they got, to hang on or even prosper?
:'''Seth Bullock''': You pie-faced cocksucker, get in here and account for your insult.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Or, with you at her ear - among other points of entry - instead of doing your civic duty, does she ship her fucking loot to Denver?
:'''Seth Bullock''': Civic duty? Opposed by her own and her dead husband's family, to put her assets at play in a camp with no law or government worth the name?
:'''Al Swearengen''': See as here where she lives and struck lucky, civic duty? Yeah! And it's time for her and some others to quit their fucking shirking, Yankton's making its move. Ah, the fucking thing!
:'''Seth Bullock''': Meaning what, &quot;Yankton's making its move&quot;? Without more insults.
:'''Al Swearengen''': We're getting ass-fucked. Carved into counties, but not one fucking commissioner coming from the hills.
:'''Seth Bullock''': How do you have this information?
:'''Al Swearengen''': From the governor himself in a pricey little personal note. They want to make us a trough for Yankton's snouts, and them hoopleheads out there, they need buttressing against going over to those cocksuckers. Now I can handle my areas, but there's dimensions and fucking angles I'm not expert at. You would be if you'd sheathe your prick long enough. 
:'''Seth Bullock''': Shut up.
:'''Al Swearengen''': And resume being the upright pain in the balls that graced us all last summer.
:'''Seth Bullock''': Shut up, you son of a bitch.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Jesus Christ. Bullock, the world abounds in cunt of every kind, including hers. ''[Bullock removes his Sheriff's badge]'' Of course, if it would steer you from something stupid, I, uh, could always profess another position. 
:'''Seth Bullock''': Will I find you've got a knife on you?
:'''Al Swearengen''': I won't need no fucking knife.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cy Tolliver''': ''[watching Bullock and Al fight]'' Awful possibility in these matters is both men sustaining mortal injury... ''[After the fight]'' But I'm rarely that fucking lucky.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': Welcome to fuckin' Deadwood! Can be... combative!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': Wave a penny under the Jew's nose.  They have living breath in them, brings 'em right round.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cy Tolliver''': Suck some pricks if you like. Keep whatever they give you as my way of saying welcome.
:'''Maddie''': Any blind ones out there?

===A Lie Agreed Upon, Part Two===
:'''Doc Cochran''': Jane, for me, the female breast long ago lost mystery or allure. Open your goddamn blouse.
:'''Calamity Jane''': I'll keep my fucking eyes shut, but I'll know every fucking move you make.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Silas Adams''': For what it's worth, Yankton's afraid of Bullock.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Well, say no more. Refrain from explaining yourself.
:'''Silas Adams''': Till Congress approves, nothing's to say the Hills get made part of Dakota. Far as that, Montana's got pull Dakota don't. Montana's got silver for bribes.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Thievin' Indian agent's all fucking Dakota's got.
:'''Silas Adams''': It ain't fucking fresh money to the game.
:'''Dan Dority''': And how does that argue for Bullock living or dying?
:'''Silas Adams''': Yankton thinks Bullock's Montana's Man.
:'''Al Swearengen''': On what basis?
:'''Silas Adams''': He was favorite of a judge in Helena that wanted him in politics. They figure he's a stalking horse here for the judge's interests.
:'''Dan Dority''': Then Yankton's got their head up their fucking asses if they think Bullock's anybody's man. Hell, Bullock himself don't even know whose man he is.
:'''Al Swearengen''': In the thoroughfare, as I readied to stab the cocksucker, did you have no impulse to hint at this?
:'''Silas Adams''': The moment didn't seem right.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Over time, your quickness with a cocky rejoinder must have gotten you many punches in the face.
:'''Silas Adams''': Depends what you call, 'many'.
:'''Dan Dority''': There's another fucking clever one.
:'''Al Swearengen''': To Yankton's thinking, would Bullock dead curb Montana's interests or incite them to a stronger expression?
:'''Silas Adams''': I don't know.
:'''Al Swearengen''': If he's spoiling to mix it with us further, they may get a chance to find out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alma Garret''': We do love each other. Our being together ought not to seem so outlandish a proposition. Except for every other single thing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom Nuttall''': ''[Regarding Silas and Dan]'' Them too seem disputatious as well, huh?
:'''Al Swearengen''': Storm clouds gather.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': Jesus Christ!
:'''Johnny Burns''': Either Al got God or Dolly just stuck her thumb back up his ass.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Now, I'm halfway thinking this exaggerates the condition rather than alleviate it. If I might should query the doc, but then that cocksucker will only ask after gleets. Oh my God! Take it out. Take it out! Remove your fucking thumb! Why, if I was moving forward to get away from you, would you have fucking pursued me? When I stopped, pressed on yourself, to drive your thumb into my intestine?
:'''Dolly''': Sorry.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Is it a river of blood, or what the fuck's pouring out of it now?
:'''Dolly''': Nothing.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Huh. Close the ass-flap. The entire area of my fucking asshole is now one gigantic fucking throb. I have no idea what's transpiring in there.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': ''[Receiving a blowjob]'' Even this, now gives me no pleasure.
:'''Seth Bullock''': ''[From outside]'' Swearengen! Be down in five minutes with my gun and badge!
:'''Calamity Jane''': Start down now, you limey cocksucker! Allow for getting stuck from crawling out from under the bed.  
:'''Al Swearengen''': That Bullock is a fucking strategist, ain't he? Sets terms to publicly humiliate me, and my penalty if I don't comply is he walks into the bar downstairs and takes fifteen bullets in the chest. And that ain't no hooplehead, you know. Bullock, he's one of those special fucking cases, you don't know what in fucks going on in their mind, and he's big with Montana. Big. I heard that today. Because the news earlier from Yankton and the fucking commissioners wasn't adequately confusing. Not to mention the fucking telegraph coming in and four whores that I don't know who the fuck they work for. 
:'''Seth Bullock''': ''[From outside]'' Three minutes!
:'''Al Swearengen''': Shut the fuck up! I suppose I do fucking understand. So fucking confused and disgusted and wanting it to end and looking for the blessing of a quick way out. Sets himself to a higher fucking standard than our natures, and he wants execution 'cause he's failed. 
:'''Seth Bullock''': One minute!
:'''Charlie Utter''': What the fuck happened to two?
:'''Al Swearengen''': Talk about one person, fucking up another person's entire fucking day. ''[Goes outside to the balcony, points at Bullock]'' Wait.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Johnny Burns''': He's coming, he's detained. Getting dressed.
:'''Calamity Jane''': Ain't it always a trial picking out the best gown best conceals you fucking pissed yourself. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': I regret the delay, I was sequestered. Have been, one thing and another, since last we met. I also apologize for the stink. 
:'''Calamity Jane''': Welcome change from your usual odor of skunk!
:'''Al Swearengen''': I offer these, and I hope you'll wear them a good long fucking time in this fucking camp, whose ever fucking thumb we're under. And where it come to me just a few moments ago that the Reverend Smith, may he rest his soul, he was found on the road, apparently murdered by heathens just some months ago. What he said on the subject of you: 'Mr. Bullock raises a camp up' and I hope he'll reside with us and improve our general fucking atmosphere for a good long fucking time, even with all the personal complications and fucking disasters that we all fucking have, and where, running away solves absolutely fucking nothing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': A full fair-mindedness requires us also to report that within the Gem, on Deadwood's main thoroughfare, comely whores, decently priced liquor and the squarest games of chance in the hills remain unabatedly available at all hours, seven days a week.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''A.W. Merrick''': The economic aspect is one fabric in the tapestry of journalism.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Ass-fucking the dirt worshippers being another? A pleasure beyond gain.
:'''A.W. Merrick''': Now, now, now.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Oh, is that your Heathen imitation? Jump up and down and give a few whoops, as in &quot;Whoop, that ass fucking hurts.&quot;

===New Money===
:'''Maddie''': The creature I saw outside our place last night, who you said is the camp's mayor, now perches like a vulture over that man at breakfast.
:'''Joanie Stubbs''': Farnum. He owns the hotel. 
:'''Maddie''': Have you affection for Mayor Farnum?
:'''Joanie Stubbs''': None.
:'''Maddie''': Good. Because the man the mayor expects to digest is going to toy and play with Mr. Farnum from camouflage for as long as he finds it amusing. And then make him a meal of his own.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''E.B. Farnum''': August commencement to my administration, standing stymied outside a saloon door, next to a degenerate tit licker!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dan Dority''': Do you want to leave him a message?
:'''E.B. Farnum''': In fact I do.  &quot;Al, if you're not dead and already moldering, I send news to revive you. A fish to rival the fabled Leviathan has swum into our waters. Get well soon and we'll land the cocksucker together. Your friend, E.B.&quot; ''[beat]'' You might add, as a post-script: &quot;I also have the news you dispatched me to secure of the newly arrived cunt.&quot;  Please.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Seth Bullock''': Swearengen said the county commissioners are all from Yankton.
:'''Sol Star''': When was this?
:'''Seth Bullock''': Just before we hit the mud. It’s wrong [[w:Black Hills|the hills]] get no representation.
:'''Sol Star''': Even in an Eden like this, wrongs sometimes occur.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Francis Wolcott''': You've approached a group in San Francisco that does business with my employer.
:'''Cy Tolliver''': That ''group'' and ''employer'' bullshit really quickens me with fuckin' trust.
:'''Wolcott''': That group you've approached is a fraternal Chinese organization.
:'''Tolliver''': &quot;Tong&quot; is not a clever enough word?
:'''Wolcott''': You offered them a contract to send members to this camp.  That organization has a pre-existing arrangement with my employer.
:'''Tolliver''': So you work for who, Wolcott?  The railroads? Some mining combination that brings those slant-eyes in by the boatload?
:'''Wolcott''': No, sir.  I work for one man.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''E.B. Farnum''': Some ancient Italian maxim fits our situation, whose particulars escape me.
:'''Francis Wolcott''': Is the gist that I'm shit outta luck?
:'''Farnum''': Did they speak that way then?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Trixie''': I'll pay you, or you can take it out in cunt.

===Requiem for a Gleet===
:'''Ellsworth''': Because them as poke around Miz Garret’s workings without a by-your-leave ain’t welcome, Mr. Wolcott, and you ought not to repeat your fuckin’ mistake.
:'''Wolcott''': Well, that’s an uncivil response to an innocent error.
:'''Ellsworth''': Did you work in the Comstock when you was beardless?
:'''Wolcott''': I did.
:'''Ellsworth''': For Mr. George Hearst, as a keen eye for the color?
:'''Wolcott''': As a geologist for Mr. Hearst.  Well, you have the advantage of me, Mr. Ellsworth.
:'''Ellsworth''': That ain’t a possibility, Wolcott.  No more than an error of yours would be innocent.
:'''Wolcott''': I do dimly recall an Ellsworth superintended the consolidated Virginia operations.
:'''Ellsworth''': I don’t give a fuck what you recall. 
:'''Wolcott''': A hero.  Dug a week without respite to save three poor souls from a cave-in.
:'''Ellsworth''': And 46 corpses in a fucking hole that ought never to have been dug.
:'''Wolcott''': Always a choice... to count the saved or the lost.
:'''Ellsworth''': Get off this property.
:'''Wolcott''': Just as a man opposed to inevitable change needn’t invariably be called a Luddite, another choice might be simply to describe him as slow in his processes.
:'''Ellsworth''': You tell that cocksucker you work for the next surrogate he sends oughtn't to be bloodied from the Comstock.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''E.B.''': It is no disloyalty to be a realist, Richardson. We are mortal. One hopes for the best. One perseveres. One re-evaluates constantly. One is an asshole if one doesn't. Loyalty expanded is not loyalty betrayed. I contemplate no disloyalty to Al Swearengen. I feel exposed. I don't like being weak, and I know that I am. I yearn to rely on a stronger will. I fear what I'm capable of in its absence. Whereas you, Richardson, know nothing of yourself. Are you shitting or going blind? Or on foot or horseback? You vile fucking lump!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sol Star''': If money had to be clean before it was recirculated we would still be living in fucking caves.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''E.B.''': Miserable, haughty cunt. Putting me beyond my depth.

===Complications===
:'''Al''': ''[after waking up from his &quot;coma&quot;]'' Did you fuck me when I was out?
:'''Dan''': Hell, no.
:'''Al''': Then quit looking at me like that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Richardson''': I like you.
:'''Alma''': Thank you, Richardson. 
:'''Richardson''': You’re purdy.
:'''Alma''': Thank you very much.  And probably that’s all either of us needs to say on that subject ever again. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugo''': Had you vision as well as sight, you would recognize within me not only a man, but an institution and the future as well.
:'''Steve''': Fuck you, fuck the institution, and fuck the future!
:'''Hugo''': You cannot fuck the future, sir.  The future fucks you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al''': Do they understand how most of what happens is people being drunk and stupid and trying to find something else to blame besides that that makes their lives totally fucked? No. They don't.

===Something Very Expensive===
:'''Doc Cochran''': You, Al, are an object lesson in the healing powers of obstinacy and a hostile disposition.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sol''': If you keep it up, we're going to fight, and you'll have to work by yourself while I convalesce.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Commissioner Jarry''': And you, Mr. Wolcott, I find you the most severe disappointment of all.
:'''Wolcott''': Often to myself as well.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Merrick''': Lot, before God, could make no case for that food.
:'''Mary''': Lot's wife may have been in that food.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cy Tolliver''': Now that's an attitude right there I want us to counsel on. Smart-alecky sort of attitude and almost with a quality of.. fuckin' anger to it. I don't find the exact fuckin' words for it, but it fuckin' disturbs and concerns me.
:'''Francis Wolcott''': By my lights, I feel I manage well.
:'''Cy Tolliver''': Well, you can say that, Mr. Wolcott, yet I hear accounts that you're a dangerous lay, and that adds to my feeling disturbed. Are you inclined, sir, every so often to.. 'ride one off the cliff'? Girls, I mean.
:'''Francis Wolcott''': I am disturbed at my private conduct being spoken of.
:'''Cy Tolliver''': Well, I should think you fuckin' would be. And to think of Mr. Hearst's disturbance if he was to fuckin' know. Because, that's a dangerous habit to indulge when you're not among friends.
:'''Francis Wolcott''': Are you my friend, Mr. Tolliver?
:'''Cy Tolliver''': And someone past surprise at habits or inclination, or turns of events, and who don't confuse himself far as sitting in judgment with our Lord in fuckin' heaven.
:'''Francis Wolcott''': I see
:'''Cy Tolliver''': And who would never tattle to your employer or jeopardize what's got to be a handsome fuckin' income. God damn right, I am your friend, Mr. Wolcott. All I can't provide for the party is the cliff.
:'''Francis Wolcott''': Believing yourself past surprise does not commend you to me as a friend. A man inadequately sophisticated or merely ignorant, or simply stupid, may believe himself past surprise, then be surprised to discover, for example, that Mr. Hearst already knows of my inclinations and finds them immaterial. Suggesting as a corollary that your skills for blackmail and manipulation no longer are assets to you, and for your fatuous belief in their efficacy, in fact have become liabilities. In short, you've overplayed your hand. Now I should think, in consequence, now recognizing yourself as a man past his time, that during this last transitional period you would devote yourself with grateful and quiet diligence to such uses as others may still find you suitable.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Francis Wolcott''': ''[muttering to himself]'' Past hope. Past kindness or consideration. Past justice. Past satisfaction. Past warmth or cold or comfort. Past love. But past surprise? What an endlessly unfolding tedium life would then become!

===E.B. Was Left Out===
:'''Al Swearengen''': Pain or damage don’t end the world, or despair or fucking beatings. The world ends when you’re dead. Until then, you got more punishment in store. Stand it like a man—and give some back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Francis Wolcott''': I feel you breathing down my neck.
:'''Charlie Utter''': Should I exhale out my ass?
:'''Francis Wolcott''': And I believe you're doing it intentionally.
:'''Charlie Utter''': Why? You think I believe you're a fuckin' cunt?
:'''Francis Wolcott''': ''[turns to face Utter]'' If we fight, it won't be a casual matter.
:'''Charlie Utter''': Ohhh, I see you got your big fuckin' knife there, and hid somewhere on your persons you've probably got some pussified shootin' instrument. But I am good at first impressions, and you ''are'' a fucking cunt, and I DOUBT you've fought many MEN, maybe even ONE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''E.B. Farnum''': The bald contempt of it. Why not come out five abreast? Cavorting and taunting, &quot;E.B was left out! E.B was left out!&quot; Cocksuckers! Cunt-lickers! I'll make you filthy gestures. Public service was never my primary career. Two come this way...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alma Garret''': ''[regarding Sofia]'' You frighten her.
:'''Al Swearengen''': I have that effect.
:'''Alma Garret''': I think specifically it was your plotting against her life.
:'''Al Swearengen''': I'd take tea
:'''Alma Garret''': What do you wish to discuss?
:'''Al Swearengen''': The child's tutor you recently sacked..
:'''Alma Garret''': Miss Isringhausen?
:'''Al Swearengen''': She's a Pinkerton.
:'''Alma Garret''': I don't find that credible.
:'''Al Swearengen''': That's the way they like it. Your husband's family chartered the agency to pin his dying on you so when you're jailed or hanged they can bag your gold.
:'''Alma Garret''': How do you support this contention?
:'''Al Swearengen''': Oh, she's come to me, and wants to give me money to confirm what she says you confessed: that you hired me to kill him.
:'''Alma Garret''': How much have they offered?
:'''Al Swearengen''': 50,000.
:'''Alma Garret''': And how much do you ask of me as commission to tell the truth?
:'''Al Swearengen''': I don't like the Pinkertons. They're muscle for the bosses, as if the bosses ain't got enough edge...
:'''Alma Garret''': So you'd side with me on principle?
:'''Al Swearengen''': Now I'll finish my fucking sentence.
:'''Alma Garret''': Excuse me.
:'''Al Swearengen''': I don't like the Pinkertons. Being the Hearst combine and their fucking ilk got their eyes on taking over here, your staying suits my purpose. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': What happened to Tolliver illustrated till the race is fucking finished, never mark the fucking wager paid. Wakes up this morning in bed with the fucking Hearst combine, knowing he's got us by the balls. Whatever sick fucking business that geologist has transacted, you can bet he had his wrists in it up...
:'''Dan Dority''': Tolliver.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Tolliver, yeah. Before, after, and in the fucking middle too, thinking he's got the fucking edge, which is the right fucking move. Underwriting whatever sick business that geologist was involved in guarantees his fucking position, but what fucking happens, Dan?
:'''Dan Dority''': Fucks himself up the ass, Tolliver.
:'''Swearengen''': No mean feat! Yet how often we bring it off.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Barfly''': I won't fuck Chinese; I got a mother living yet.
:'''Hawkeye''': She the jealous type?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Con''': Hey, you ever hear, Tom, the Chinese whore has a ancient way of milking ya of yer sorrow, your loneliness and that awful feeling of bein’ forsaken?
:'''Tom''': Seems to me that’d leave you with nothing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': Request of the widow Garret E.B. that I may be allowed to call upon her.
:'''E.B. Farnum''': Today? Shall I tell her time is of the essence?
:'''Al Swearengen''': When ain't it?
:'''E.B. Farnum''': I'll aim for early afternoon
:'''Al Swearengen''': Stop walking with me E.B..
:'''E.B. Farnum''': Yes, of course. And if she pries and pokes and prods me to elicit your intentions?
:'''Al Swearengen''': Tell her I wouldn't say.
:'''E.B. Farnum''': And if she asks me why you wouldn't?
:'''Al Swearengen''': Say you're a pain in my balls that can't desist from inquiry till told to shut his fucking mouth and act on the task he was asked to fucking do!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''E.B. Farnum''': Have we a new Pope?
:'''Al Swearengen''': She's some fuck, E.B..

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': What's this about?
:'''Trixie''': I'm done at that hardware store with their fuckin' harpin' and badgerin'.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Who's harping? The jew?
:'''Trixie''': Are you making a fuckin' pun?
:'''Al Swearengen''': I'm asking a fucking question.
:'''Trixie''': The jew. And fuckin' Bullock also. I'm erratic with my decimals and the like.
:'''Al Swearengen''': So harping now is a hardship on the same fucking order of a boot on your fucking neck? Do not fucking fault them, Trixie, for your own fucking fears of tumblin' to somethin' new. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sol Star''': Guidance for me, before you turn to your numbers?
:'''Trixie''': Tread lightly, who lives in hope of pussy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': A man, as it happens a rival of mine, learning the secret of a great man's lieutenant would make that lieutenant his slave. My rival knows that expanding the circle of the informed, diluting his power, will confound his intention, so he takes precaution to be the sole sharer of his secret. Then the world being the world.. along comes a half-assed knight-errant, Utter, Hickok's ex-partner, to put all my rival's plans at risk. I'd seek audience with Utter, verify my thinking. He earns his bread shipping packages. And as the dimwit nobility that made him intercede may now make him reticent, you, Chief, will be my prop and ploy whilst I seek to draw him out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''E.B. Farnum''': Why, Al?
:'''Al Swearengen''': Why, E.B.? Because being present at that meeting and made as you are, blackmail would have proved irresistible and pursuing it would have gotten you murdered.
:'''E.B. Farnum''': Thank you then. Am I still the Mayor?
:'''Al Swearengen''': For all of me? In perpetuity.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Francis Wolcott''': Prudence dictates my requiring, in return, your account of what Miss Stubbs told you.
:'''Charlie Utter''': The prudentest thing you can do is not name that girl again with me in the fucking room.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Francis Wolcott''': I am simply asking confirmation of what you were told and by whom.
:'''Charlie Utter''': And I'm promising I'll sooner blow off your fucking head, and take the fucking letter from your corpse than confide any fucking particulars. 
:'''Francis Wolcott''': To me?
:'''Charlie Utter''': To any fucking one, when I give my word I wouldn't.

===Childish Things===
:'''Seth Bullock''': Maybe you’re mistrusted less as a killer than showin’ your cards a corner at a time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': My bicycle masters boardwalk and quagmire with aplomb.  Those that doubt me, suck cock by choice. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dan''': Sometimes I hear you speakin’ in here when I know there’s nobody in here but you.
:'''Al''': You have not yet reached the age, Dan, have you, where you’re moved to utterance of thoughts properly kept silent?
:'''Dan''': Been known to mutter.
:'''Al''': Not the odd mutter.  Habitual fuckin’ vocalizing of thoughts best kept to yourself.  I will confide further. Lately... I talk to this package: the severed rotting head I paid bounty on last year of that murdered fuckin’ Indian.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joanie Stubbs''': Would you like a drink?
:'''Jane''': Yes. But my opening position is no.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charlie''': ''[at Bill Hickok's grave]'' Evenin’, Bill. Jane ain’t with me, ‘cause she’s a drunken fuckin’ mess, and I don’t know what to do about it. I know you want her looked out for, and I’m doin’ my fuckin’ best. But I won’t stand before you claimin’ optimism. Other news. That letter you wrote your wife just before that cocksucker murdered you, it come to my hand. I won’t even try explainin’ fuckin’ how. And knowin’ what we know about our fucked up postal system, I ain’t committin’ it to the fuckin’ mails. You know I will try to get it to her, which I pray’d be a portion off your mind. When I’ve found where she’s at, on my way settin’ off I’ll tell you. All right. God bless you, Bill. ''[starts to leave and then turns back]'' And as far as Jane, as drunk as you’ve seen her, you’ve never seen her this worse.  Between us, maybe havin’ lost, wantin’ to keep on.  So I - I don’t know what the fuck to do!  But you know I’ll— I’ll keep tryin.’ ''[leaves]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': Summon from Farnum that cunt with the long Kraut moniker.
:'''Johnny Burns''': E.B. ain't been over for coffee.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Should I ask if Farnum's come for coffee before I get you to summon that cunt? ''[To the disembodied 'Chief']'' Dead and without a body, you strill outstrip him for intelligence.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charlie Utter''': Seeing you know about losing friends, you might be a good person to go on and talk to her.
:'''Jane Cannary''': How does standing in my own puke prompt you to volunteer me to give a condolence call?
:'''Charlie Utter''': Why fucking wouldn't it, Jane? You like being situated how you are?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alma Garret''': My beliefs about you have to do with your soul, which I feel is cold and ungenerous, unless you are a counterfeit. And if you are a counterfeit, the deception comes so naturally, I'd credit its source in such a soul.. meaning, cold and ungenerous, and as capable of counterfeit.. manipulative and treacherous as well. 
:'''Miss Isringhausen''': Who can you think I am, Mrs. Garret? I, a poor working girl? 
:'''Alma Garret''': You are not.
:'''Miss Isringhausen''': I only hope your high wroth, ma'am, don't bespeak some affair gone amiss.. I hope to Christ not involving Mr. Bullock. ''[Alma tries to slap Miss Inringhausen, Miss Inringhausen catches Alma by the wrist]''  Even under such duress, you oughtn't presume to strike me. For who do you take me then? For who do you mistake me? 
:'''Alma Garret''': I mistake you for no one, Miss Isringhausen, and I know you for a fact.
:'''Miss Isringhausen''': All right then, Mrs. Garret. You've had your fit of temper, get the fuck back to your room.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': ''[To the disembodied 'Chief']'' Sent many of your friends to the happy hunting ground. Formidable Tom was, and no more a fool now than time shows us all.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Martha Bullock''': This roof over our heads, Mr. Bullock, testifies to your care for William and me. The fostering affection and guidance you show my son to shape him into a man will only deepen my gratitude to you. As for myself, no further demonstrations are necessary as.. other duties claim your attentions. 
:'''Seth Bullock''': None such as you conceive since your arrival, nor will they again, whatever the state of our relations.
:'''Martha Bullock''': Do not sacrifice further on my account, Mr. Bullock. I reject the offering. I repudiate it! I find it poisonous!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''A.W. Merrick''': Is this true, Al?
:'''Al Swearengen''': Did he fucking confirm it to you?
:'''A.W. Merrick''': I haven't spoken to Bullock.
:'''Al Swearengen''': So, then I guess it ain't confirmed. Answer me this fucking question: why in fuck do I find out about this telegraph operator arriving tardily and by accident?
:'''A.W. Merrick''': I wasn't aware that you were owed official notification.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Merrick, you and me are allies, marching into battle together, and aren't smart-assed replies amongst allies a waste of fucking time?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Doc Cochran''': Do you speak Chinese?
:'''Francis Wolcott''': I do not, sir.
:'''Doc Cochran''': However you accomplish communication with that son of a bitch, then the more the '''disgrace''' to your soul!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mose Manuel''': That easy, to forget a fucking brother!?
:'''Francis Wolcott''': Money has properties in this regard! ..Though no remedy is discovered yet sovereign against sentimental remorse.

===Amalgamation and Capital===
:'''Samuel Fields''': ''[talking to a horse before he and Hostetler castrate it]'' Now, if you want to take it out on someone, remember it was very dark-skinned white folks that cut on you.  They just sounded like niggers to throw you off.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom Nuttall''': Knowledge is overrated, William. Diligence is what’s required in the service of a willing spirit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Francis Wolcott''': On my order, Mr. Tolliver, Lee will burn this building, mutilating you before, during or after as I specify, or when he chooses unless I forbid.
:'''Cy Tolliver''': Oh, my full attention is at your disposal.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': Dan, don't you agree that the truth, if only a pinch, must season every falsehood, or the palate fucking rebels? And mustn't the novice chef be mindful not to ladle out his concoction by the unseasoned fucking ton, lest before he perfect his art, he lose his clientele?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': Every rumor you floated in your article, Merrick, I believe is a living possibility for this camp, and I want you to fucking hear that as a compliment. 
:'''A.W. Merrick''': If so, it's the first from your lips.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Because all them possibilities, called next to accomplished fact, in one fucking outgush makes people smell a rat.
:'''A.W. Merrick''': Yes, I suppose so.
:'''Al Swearengen''': These interests coming after us, Merrick, they're fucking rough. They're going after our nuts. They're hypocrite cocksuckers, and the fucking lying tactics and instruments they use to fuck people up the ass can be turned against them. 
:'''A.W. Merrick''': My newspaper being such an instrument. 
:'''Al Swearengen''': But scale, amount, proportion, seasoning. Drink that fucking second shot, Merrick!
:'''A.W. Merrick''': I like my fucking liquor.
:'''Al Swearengen''': A trait in you that gave me early hope.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charlie Utter''': A letter come to hand I need to take to Bill's missus.. He wrote just before he got killed. 
:'''Seth Bullock''': I see.
:'''Charlie Utter''': And you know who fucking give it to me? How crazy life got? And money must buy these bastards any fucking thing they want! That cocksucker inside, Mr. amalgamation &amp; fucking capital!
:'''Seth Bullock''': Hearst's geologist gave you the letter?
:'''Charlie Utter''': And god knows who he fucking bought it off of or how many hands it passed through. It fucks me up thinking Bill's missus got to handle something that cocksucker touched.
:'''Seth Bullock''': Was it over the letter you beat him the other day?
:'''Charlie Utter''': No, no. I give my word not to say what that was over. I'd best go, lest Mr. amalgamation &amp; capital takes one through the fucking head.
:'''Seth Bullock''': What's the import of that expression?
:'''Charlie Utter''': Do I look like I'd fucking know? Some big-shot eastern magazine reporter interviewing Bill said that was what's changing things around. Jane, I don't know what's gonna come of fucking Jane. 
:'''Seth Bullock''': I'll keep an eye on her.
:'''Charlie Utter''': You should lock her in that cell and don't let her fucking drink! And don't fuck yourself up over Mose Manuel. He will get hisself fleeced of what is rightfully his and what he got by fuckin' murder. He'll be judge on hisself and jury too, just like the fucking most of us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charlie Utter''': New saloon in the camp, Jane?
:'''Jane Cannary''': I know that's some clever opening gambit to culminate in breaking my balls.
:'''Charlie Utter''': Just saying I checked the usual spots 'cause I wanted to say goodbye before I left camp, so in case you go ahead and fucking die...
:'''Jane Cannary''': Goodbye, Charlie, goodbye. Have a good fucking trip. Shut the fuck up! 'Cause it so happens, when you return, if no trees of animals killed you, that you were fucking driving crazy with criticism, you will find I've moved out of this shitbox, so I don't have to fucking embarrass you or fucking have you hovering over me like the ugliest fucking nurse in the fucking universe. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': Mrs. Garret writ me a letter saying how yesterday she lost her temper with you somewhat, and judgment, she tipped she was on to you being a Pinkerton. Oh, being bright, I expect you concluded it was me must have told her, meaning maybe I had sold over to her, and with my allegiance now in question, I expect you wired the Pinkerton big-shots, arguing you oughtn't sign any documents that might be able to prove that you, the agency, and Mrs. Garret's fucking in-laws hired me to lay at Mrs. Garret's doorstep the murder of her husband.
:'''Miss Isringhausen''': And further, Mr. Swearengen, that as to purchase of your allegiance, now in question, they might wish to keep the bidding open.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Bidding is open always on everyone, Miss Isringhausen. But I expect you understand, knowing as I do, should Mrs. Garret lose her claim, rather than operate it themselves, her cunt in-laws will sell to third-party cocksuckers inimical to the whole of my interests in this camp! To buy my allegiance against myself, in-law cunts and shit-heel operators would have to bid very high indeed.

===Advances, None Miraculous===
:'''Hostetler''': Horse run trash like that over by accident, still ain’t a white man on earth gonna stand up against roping us up, now is there?
:'''Samuel Fields''': John Brown would’ve.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': Sign these documents and leave unharmed.
:'''Alice Isringhausen''': I can’t trust that, Mr. Swearengen, being that it’s not to your interests.
:'''Al Swearengen''': That applies to you most, fuckin’ sittin’ in that chair distracting my fuckin’ thinking. If I have to come over there, I’ll cut your fuckin’ throat for you, pen yet put to paper or not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''A.W. Merrick''': And thus the uncharted journey continues.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Merrick, please.  As we’ll be more often in each other’s company, when given to utterance of that type—consider drinking.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wolcott''': I am a sinner who does not expect forgiveness.  But I am not a government official.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugo Jarry''': I do not, my friend Adams, take it up the ass... But I suspect those that do, do so because they consider they advance their own interests. Shall we not, like them, pursue our mutual gratification?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sol Star''': The cocksucker upstairs sends his retriever out to collect me with instructions I'm to wait 'till summoned. 
:'''Trixie''': I suppose then you should sit the fuck down.
:'''Sol Star''': And I come, too, and find you like you never left this place to learn your numbers.
:'''Trixie''': Did you teaching me make me accountable for my whereabouts the rest of my fucking days?
:'''Sol Star''': If he wants me, he can fucking come find me.
:'''Trixie''': Why not wait and find out what he wants?
:'''Sol Star''': Why don't you tell me yourself?
:'''Trixie''': Because I don't know that, Mr. Star. 
:'''Sol Star''': Other events have a claim to attention.
:'''Trixie''': He knows about other events.
:'''Sol Star''': And ain't you his fucking lapdog, Trixie!?
:'''Trixie''': I ain't nobody's fucking lapdog.
:'''Sol Star''': Hard to think, even, of you coming to learn numbers without its being to his purpose.
:'''Trixie''': Any more to that fucking thought?
:'''Sol Star''': I'll have a fucking drink.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': Before his present troubles and whilst you pursued your preferred activities, your partner Bullock joined in a campaign to which I hope you will now subscribe.
:'''Sol Star''': What do you mean my, &quot;preferred activities&quot;?
:'''Al Swearengen''': Oh, a reference to your people's penchant for money-getting. A poor attempt at wit.
:'''Sol Star''': I don't find those funny.
:'''Al Swearengen''': I apologize.
:'''Sol Star''': If you want my help, don't insult me.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Oh, Jesus Christ, show me the secret grip that proves my regret and let's be about our fucking business.

===The Whores Can Come===
:'''Al Swearengen''': It wouldn’t be the worst thing, backing a loser to Hearst.  Let him pick me up from the canvas after, dust me the fuck off.  I raise the great man’s hand and murmur, best as I can through split lips, &quot;Your man beat my man’s balls off, Mr. Hearst.&quot; But Hearst’s chink boss in that alley ain’t to my fuckin’ taste. So what if something delays the battle of the chinks?  Say, durin’ that interval I get to show my ass a few times to Mr. Hearst. Meanwhile, that pain in the balls Wu is sketching up a storm, drawin’ fuckin’ little pictures of himself brandishin’ the lash, drivin’ from a delivery ship a quota of chinks to be blown to pieces by dynamite working in the mines for Hearst at half the fee, per chink, that Hearst is paying the San Francisco cocksucker.  Now, by this time Hearst has seen my ass so many times, he knows I’m no long-term threat. So some brief opposition of our interests ain’t gonna make him feel like he needs to engage me in a death struggle, say, by opposin’ local elections.  Those circumstances, we can risk backing Wu, and the great man figures, &quot;I am damaged by neither outcome. Why not retire to a neutral corner and test my import against the locals?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alma Garret''': I've wished sometimes only to play checkers or to occupy myself some other way than having to see and feel so much sadness, or feel every moment how difficult things are, to understand or to live with. I've sometimes felt I couldn't live with them, but I find I can, Sofia. I've found I am, even when I think I'm not or that I can't. Can you look to me now, Sofia? Can you try? I will be so grateful if you will trust me with your sadness, and I will trust you with mine, so that even when we are sad we will be grateful for how much we love each other, and know that we are in the world as much in our pain as in our happiness.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Francis Wolcott''': You're a desperate man, aren't you, Tolliver? Desperate. You feel your position weakening.

===Boy the Earth Talks To===
:'''Hearst''': ''[noticing a stuffed buck's head on the wall]'' Your kill, sir?
:'''Swearengen''': Who?
:'''Hearst''': The animal.
:'''Swearengen''': Oh fuck no, I'm a fucking terrible shot. Work better closer in.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom Nuttall''': There’s talk of an offer on my place.
:'''Al Swearengen''': How will you answer?
:'''Tom Nuttall''': I came to take counsel with you. 
:'''Al Swearengen''': Drunk or sober is my question.
:'''Tom Nuttall''': Well, I have my wits about me, Al.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Maybe, then, you’ll want a few more, huh?
:'''Tom Nuttall''': Don’t talk to me in fucking riddles.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Drunk, Tom, for reasons not to do with business, you’ll sell.  If that’s your decision, let me offer.  Sober, you know sellin’s stupid.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hearst''': ''[slaps the wall of his room in the Grand Central Hotel]'' These walls are coming down.
:'''Wolcott''': They'll be your walls soon.
:'''Hearst''': Ever since I was a child in Missouri I've been down ever hole I could find.
:'''Wolcott''': Boy-the-earth-talks-to.
:'''Hearst''': Yeah, I've told you, that's what the Indians call me.
:'''Wolcott''': Yes.
:'''Hearst''': It talks to you too, Francis, I know. Our time together, your hearing has stayed keen. But this gambler Tolliver, who was our agent for buying the claims has spoken to me about you. He says that you've killed women. Prostitutes. That he has disposed of the bodies for you.
:'''Wolcott''': ''[stunned, fumbles putting out his cigar]''
:'''Hearst''': WELL!?
:'''Wolcott''': When I was in Campeche, you wrote a letter on my behalf.
:'''Hearst''': To the Jefe de Policia.
:'''Wolcott''': &quot;I am aware of Mr. Wolcott's difficulty. You will find me personally grateful for any adjustments you may make in his case.&quot; What did you think that was about? 
:'''Hearst''': I didn't think about it. You were my agent in Mexico! You had many responsibilities. You asked me for the letter and I wrote it!
:'''Wolcott''': As when the earth talks to you particularly, you never ask its reasons.
:'''Hearst''': I don't need to know why I'm lucky!
:'''Wolcott''': What if the earth talks to us to get us to arrange its amusements?
:'''Hearst''': That sounds like goddamned nonsense to me.
:'''Wolcott''': Suppose to you it whispers, &quot;You are king over me. I exist to flesh your will.&quot;
:'''Hearst''': Nonsense.
:'''Wolcott''': And to me... &quot;There is no sin.&quot; It happened in Mexico and now it's happened here.
:'''Hearst''': We must end our connection, you understand that, Francis. Make a severance you think is fair. You know I won't quibble. Does some spirit overtake you? Is that what you mean by the &quot;talk&quot;?
:'''Wolcott''': No.
:'''Hearst''': It tells me where the color is. That's all it tells me. My God.

==Season Three==

===Tell Your God to Ready For Blood===

:'''Mose Manuel''': Miss Stubbs holds what I'm doing for honest.
:'''Jane Canary''': She no more needs a watchman than she does a fucking balloonist! And why should the young of this camp have to scurry past your man-toad figure to receive an education?
:'''Mose Manuel''': The time they come for schoolin', I'm in back and out of sight!
:'''Jane Canary''': Exposin' them to being terrified only when they use the privy!
:'''Mose Manuel''': Go get your load on, Jane!
:'''Jane Canary''': Do not instruct me how to spend my day! Or to itemize for you my crowded itinerary! ''[beat]'' You tub of blubber and guts!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Doc Cochran''': You must drink this.
:'''Alma Ellsworth''': I will not awaken that demon, Doctor.
:'''Doc Cochran''': This has nothing to do with demons, Mrs. Ellsworth. This has to do with allaying the pain to get you through. Leave the demons to God and trust the pain to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': Quick prick-suck, Bullock?  Sally fuckin' forth to meet the great man with unencumbered thoughts?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': Lie the fuck back and listen I need your truthful reply. Lie, I will know it, and death will be no respite.
:'''E.B. Farnum''': I told Hearst nothing of Bullock and the widow.
:'''Al Swearengen''': I will profane your fucking remains, E.B.
:'''E.B. Farnum''': Not my remains, Al.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Gabriel's trumpet will produce you from the ass of a pig.
:'''E.B. Farnum''': You told me not to tell him, and I didn't.
:'''Al Swearengen''': I believe you.
:'''E.B. Farnum''': My pain is such that gives me no solace.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': ''[to Richardson, who is worshipping antlers]'' Fucking pagan. Tell your God to ready for blood.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jane Canary''': Every day takes figuring out all over again how to fucking live.

===I Am Not the Fine Man You Take Me For===
:'''Silas Adams''': I just.. I feel shunted aside or the like, not involved as much as previous.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Adams, you were busy with Star.
:'''Silas Adams''': That you sent me off to see.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Thinking you'd be back before time for the murders.
:'''Silas Adams''': So it wasn't like a decision you made to have the murders while I was signing the papers?
:'''Al Swearengen''': You've no idea how fuckin' badly you're boring me. ''[Knock at the door]'' Yeah?
:'''Dan Dority''': That captain's brought over another envelope.
:'''Al Swearengen''': ''[To Silas]'' Won't you see with me what this might portend?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Johnny Burns''': What's Al doing?
:'''Dan Dority''': Like I fuckin' know.
:'''Silas Adams''': If we was trailing water, we might get took for ducklings.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''A.W. Merrick''': These last months have made me expert. It was gunfire, and it came from your saloon.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Has not the press a duty, Merrick, qualifying its accounts in time of war?
:'''A.W. Merrick''': Are we at war now here in the camp? Has that fact been suppressed as well? Absent formal declaration, Al, information which affects this community is not my prerogative to disseminate. To do so is my sacred responsibility.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Whores currently disseminating a dose, for example?
:'''A.W. Merrick''': To inform within decency's limits. We've had this discussion before.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Citizens better die postulating than touch indecent ink.
:'''A.W. Merrick''': Make a list of the infected whores and account for this morning's gunfire, and I'll publish it all.
:'''Al Swearengen''': I won't, fucking Merrick, because neither's to my fucking interests. Just as you owning a print press proves only an interest in the truth, meaning up to a fucking point, slightly more than us others maybe, but short of a fucking anointing or the shouldering of a sacred burden - unless of course the print press was gift of an angel. I'd want to be there for that hand-off myself. Maybe you should print an extra saying the speeches are on again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hearst''': To labor without pleasure makes us our destiny's slaves.
:'''Swearengen''': To work for crumbs or to keep from the lash says maybe a slave's what you are.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hearst''': Accepting your premise, Mr. Swearengen, I'll not name how you would benefit from the action I wish you to take, saying only instead it's my will. To which I will have you bend.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Farnum''': Puberty may bring you to understand what we take for mother-love is really murderous hatred and a desire for revenge.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dan''': I'm older, and I'm much less friendly to fuckin' change.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Change ain't lookin' for friends.  Change calls the tune we dance to.

===True Colors===
:'''A.W. Merrick''': Erm, it occurs to me Al, as you and he are so evidently well-acquainted, the decent interval that Mr. Langrishe is owed to make his domestic arrangements I might spend hearing you talk of him.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Ever wonder if you expressed yourself more directly, Merrick, you might fucking weigh less?
:'''A.W. Merrick''': I see no logic in that whatever.
:'''Al Swearengen''': I don't want to talk of Langrishe, he makes me fucking nervous.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''A.W. Merrick''': A. W. Merrick, Mr. Langrishe, publisher of the ''Deadwood Pioneer''. 
:'''Jack Langrishe''': Ah!  Accounting for the halo I see above you. 
:'''Al Swearengen''': Shit blizzard's early today.
:'''Jack Langrishe''': He takes his tone with you as a familiar.
:'''A.W. Merrick''': Oh, we're well-acquainted, Mr. Swearengen and I.
:'''Jack Langrishe''': Mmm, new friends, old campaigners.
:'''Al Swearengen''': The infrequent bloody win.
:'''Jack Langrishe''': Always superfluous, bloodshed. The deeper damage is best.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''E.B. Farnum''': ''[describing Mrs. Ellsworth to Hearst]'' A haughty cunt. Formerly weak for dope. Most fundamentally a sexual peccant, though I'm sworn against providing specifics.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jack Langrishe''': It's the learning fuckin' nothin', Al, that keeps me young.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ellsworth''': Whatever’s toward what he wants.  Not a flying fuck if it's true or how fucking soaked in blood. 
:'''Alma''': That talk serves no purpose. 
:'''Ellsworth''': What talk to a murderer does?
:'''Hearst''': I'd not be insulted in my own rooms, Mr. Ellsworth.
:'''Ellsworth''': Where shall we go for me to do it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': ''[Giving Jack a tour of the camp]'' The Ellsworth house, richest claim next to Hearst, that woman.
:'''Jack Langrishe''': What sort of plays does she favor?
:'''Al Swearengen''': Oh, Christ, she told me and I fucking forgot. Goes through her men like [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sherman%27s_March_to_the_Sea Sherman to the fucking sea].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': What makes you think any good will come of confronting Hearst now?
:'''Seth Bullock''': Now is when he's killing people. 
:'''Al Swearengen''': What, you feel he'll leave off soon?
:'''Seth Bullock''': Tactics and timing ain't the issue.
:'''Al Swearengen''': The hell you say.

===Full Faith and Credit===
:'''Langrishe''': Shall I accompany as your second? My obvious unsuitability might confuse him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charlie Utter''': Nigger General and Hostetler brung that horse back to camp that got away from 'em and trampled the Sheriff's boy. 
:'''Joanie Stubbs''': Is that so?
:'''Charlie Utter''': Wherever the two of them was, I guess they didn't feel their lives were in enough danger.
:'''Joanie Stubbs''': Well, people will do strange things. 
:'''Charlie Utter''':  For years at a time.  Pick any part of my life, for example. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': Where the fuck have you been?
:'''Silas Adams''': I was looking for someone whose name you told me never to say again.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Amongst further instructions including not to look for him when he's fucking disappeared.
:'''Silas Adams''': Well, I held off saying where I was.
:'''Al Swearengen''': I can repose no truth in someone who traffics with that type douche bag.
:'''Silas Adams''': I don't think Hawkeye's a douche bag. ''[Al slaps him]''
:'''Al Swearengen''': Who you believe you can salvage, Adams, is the douche bag you must avoid and no effort of yours can preclude at some point finding past help. And you yourself, being his consort in similar fucking straits. And all the energies I've poured into you gone for naught. I vow on that fucking subject, I find you dead 'cause of him I'll kick your corpse in the ear for the waste of my fucking time.
:'''Silas Adams''': Anyways, what'd you want?
:'''Al Swearengen''': I've named you to represent me in my dealings with fucking Hearst. Tolliver too, in that connection. 
:'''Silas Adams''': Tolliver in connection with Hearst?
:'''Al Swearengen''': As he's put us in tandem, fucking Hearst.
:'''Silas Adams''': You and Tolliver?
:'''Al Swearengen''': If I sought an echo, Adams, I'd now be addressing a fucking mountain. I'm in waters I don't know, nor soundings I can take. To bring me the knowledge I need, my second needs to seem capable of disloyalty.
:'''Silas Adams''': If that's supposed to be a compliment, thanks. 
:'''Al Swearengen''': Which is to say, being loyal he can forego loyalty's display. Like not searching out a friend who don't want to be found, just hoping he makes his way back, hmm?
:'''Silas Adams''': How's Dan gonna take your choosing me?
:'''Al Swearengen''': That's my fucking problem to deal with.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hostetler''': First off, I thank you for lookin' to the Livery.
:'''Steve''': You'll talk to me through you [Bullock] or you won't get any fuckin' response.
:'''Hostetler''': I'm grateful for the care you gave the animals.
:'''Steve''': Now, wait until he translates from ape!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hostetler''': I was answerable to the horse that trampled his boy, camp being stirred up.  If I lingered to make my arrangements, I don't think I would have lived to catch that horse.
:'''Steve''': Ain't that the purest form of nigger logic.  He runs! He blames the white man!  And then he comes back, and he treats 'em like dirt.  Hey, when I can I start working for you, you fuckin' monkey-ape!  Why don't you start jumpin' up and down, and pounding your chest!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': I did not shame myself. I keep an open mind in that area. Kid yourself about your behavior, you'll never learn a fuckin' thing. I knew it was comin' too. Fuckin' Captain, holdin' me down. I knew what the fuck was next.
:'''Dolly''': When he chopped off your finger?
:'''Al Swearengen''': He didn't chop off my finger! Hearst chopped my fuckin' finger off; the other fuck held me down! They hold you down, y-you can't get at 'em to help yourself. Fuckin' cold in here anyway, isn't it?
:'''Dolly''': You want a blanket?
:'''Al Swearengen''': If I do I'll put it round me, you ain't boss of the fuckin' bedclothes! They hold you down from behind. Then you wonder why you're helpless. How the fuck could you not be? 
:'''Dolly''': I don't like it either.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Another one that held me down, that fuckin' Proctor when I tried to get to that ship. He fuckin' held me, fuckin' wouldn't let me go. Fuckin' in my mind, y'see, she was being restrained, couldn't get back off, that had got on the boat to fuckin' New Orleans to go suck prick in Georgia. She changed her mind, and I was bein' restrained by that fat, bastard orphanage Proctor! Anyway, that's it, that's the end of it, that's the fuckin' conclusion ... CHRIST, I'D'VE WISHED TO- ''[catches himself]'' Though probably she'd'a thrown be overboard anyway, but I'd'a wished to get to that fuckin' ship. But I was bein' restrained. I couldn't get from where she'd left me. He held me to that bed, her callin' from the ship that had changed her mind. 
:'''Dolly''': ''[quietly]'' I don't like it either.
:'''Al Swearengen''': No, huh? ...What?
:'''Dolly''': When they hold you down.
:'''Al Swearengen''': I guess I do that, huh, with your fuckin' hair?
:'''Dolly''': No.
:'''Al Swearengen''': No? ...Well, bless you for a fuckin' fibber.

===A Two-Headed Beast===
:'''Al Swearengen''': [Hearst] makes of me and Tolliver a two-headed beast to savage what might be healthy borne out of the fucking election and gnaw its own privates off-hours.  Plans keep coming to the cocksucker, that their final sum is this: but for what brings income to him, break what he can; what he can't, set those parts against themselves to weaken. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Johnny''': If it's gettin' to go wrong, Dan, you just drop flat.
:'''Dan''': What the fuck did you just say?
:'''Johnny''': Drop flat if it's going wrong, and I'll blow his fucking head off.
:'''Dan''': You do and it'll be the last goddamn thing you do on this fucking earth. Going wrong is not the end of fucking things, Johnny. Fuck no! I have come back from plenty of shit that looked like it was going wrong. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Trixie''': The bank's founder and president, Chief Officer as well, of air-headed smugness and headlong plunges unawares into the fucking abyss.
:'''Sol Star''': I don't understand.
:'''Trixie''': You wouldn't.  You're too fucking healthy-minded.  You'll sit here waiting for me to materialize from a piece of fucking furniture and think the world is normal. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Johnny''': I wish you'd look in on Dan, boss. Not for being poorly as... down.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Johnny... some shit's best walked through alone.
:'''Johnny''': Dan's killed people before. You have too. But neither've been solitary after.
:'''Al Swearengen''': A fair fight, something Dan and I have always struggled to avoid, is different. You see the light go out in their eyes. It's just you left, and death. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hearst''': ''[to Tolliver]'' The Sheriff recently put me on notice. He is vigilant of my possible &quot;transgressions.&quot;
:'''Bullock''': You sound drunk to me.
:'''Hearst''': Whom are you addressing?
:'''Bullock''': You. You sound drunk.
:'''Hearst''': Do I? ''[Bullock nods]'' Hm. When I say &quot;Go fuck yourself,&quot; Sheriff, will you put that down to drunkenness or a high estimate of your athleticism?
:'''Bullock''': Did you just tell me to &quot;Fuck myself?&quot;
:'''Hearst''': I think I did. And to shut up, or I will quiet you myself.
:'''Bullock''': You're under arrest.
:'''Hearst''': ''[defiantly]'' Fuck you. And shut up, or I will shut you up for good.
:''[Bullock draws his gun on Hearst.]''
:'''Bullock''': For threatening a Peace Officer, I'm taking you into custody.
:'''Tolliver''': Don't be stupid, Bullock...
:'''Bullock''': Don't YOU be fucking stupid!
:''[Bullock grabs Hearst by the ear and drags him out of the Bella Union. His rage seething, he snarls into Hearst's ear:]''
:'''Bullock''': ''Fuck... '''you!'''''

===A Rich Find===
:'''E.B. Farnham''': It's Hearst. Hearst: is he Caesar, to have fights to the death for diversion?  Murder his workers at whim?  Smash passages in the fucking wall?  A man of less wealth would be in fucking restraints.
:'''Al''': We're in the presence of the new.
:'''E.B.''': Fuck the fucking new!  Jesus Christ, Al.  Is it over for us here?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Johnny Burns''': ''[Dan comes out to the bar groggy and starts drinking Johnny's coffee]'' You go on ahead and drink that, it's about my third damn cup. I'm Jangle-nerved already. Let me go on and get shaky-handed, pop my foot on the floor like I'm a-listen' to banjo music!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charlie Utter''': One thing: if he knew it was coming, Bill [Hickok] was not shy of drawing first.
:'''Sol''': Seth locked up Hearst instead of that. 
:'''Charlie Utter''': Oh, I get it. 
:'''Sol''': What does that mean?
:'''Charlie Utter''': It means, Mr. Star, after leading him by the ear through camp for all to fucking see, Seth installs Hearst in a cell adjoining a man he's had killed, that the knife still protrudes out of his chest.  And as much as me and Hearst conversed, I made him address my ass.  So do let's don't pretend Hearst will feel he was treated legal or civilized, or that his business with us is finished. Hearst is fucking coming. Bringing us back to Bill and doing unto others first. Which ought maybe include a visit to Hearst's fucking diggings. And his muscle you fail to murder before they arouse?  You bring to chase you to camp, Judas goat the cocksuckers, for Swearengen's men and Tolliver's to mow down from fucking ambush while we’re up seeing to Hearst. 
:'''Sol''': There’ll be nothing left of the camp.
:'''Charlie Utter''': How much you figure will stand once Hearst had his fucking say?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hearst''': This place displeases me.  I'm taking measures to bring it down.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': That they're armed and awake don't have to mean they're fucking hired.
:'''Dan Dority''': Yeah, and when I feel a shit coming on I'll remember to drop my pants. 
:'''Al Swearengen''': The obvious merits utterance.  Character is fucking pertinent.
:'''Dan Dority''': If I'm to go, I'd as soon get started before the darkness. 
:'''Al Swearengen''': Going means the darkness is upon us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Seth''': Charlie Utter thinks it has to come to blood. 
:'''Al''': Charlie Utter's likely right.
:'''Seth''': And if it has to, that we should strike first. 
:'''Al''': Believe me, even now in the forest the blade would be between my teeth; me and you making our way stealthily forward. And as to us and him, if blood's what it finally comes to, 100 years from now the forest is what they'll find here.  Dewy morning's lost its appeal for me. I prefer to wake indoors.  Dan!  You don’t travel tonight!  Need of canned peaches, Johnny.  Let's collect the camp elders.  Be baffled among friends, huh?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve''': ''[speaking of blacks]'' Puttin' a dead one's kidneys up his nose... however the fuck else they summon up their demons.  Beat thigh bones on tin pans... shake, rattlin', and hop the fuck around!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Samuel Fields''': Ain't meanin' to be here long, ain't looking to drink.  All's I'm here for, Steve, is to talk to this here gentleman.
:'''Steve''': Go ahead and do somersaults or peel bananas with each other for all I give a fuck.  Whole place has gone to shit anyhow.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''George Hearst''': The nigger I appointed to dine with does not appear.

===Unauthorized Cinnamon===
:'''A.W. Merrick''': ''[reading a letter written by Sheriff Bullock]'' &quot;It becomes my painful duty to inform you that Pasco Carwen was killed earlier this week.  His body was found in the road.  It was not mutilated in any way.  His death seems to have been instantaneous as he was stabbed through the heart.  Pasco's funeral occurred today and was attended by coworkers and friends who all shared the same high opinion of him.  Everything was done by kind hands that was possible under the circumstances, and a Christian burial was given him.  I was not personally acquainted with Mr. Carwen, save for one encounter where he demonstrated grief and deep compassion at the passing of a friend.  I knew him by reputation as an earnest worker and a diligent believer in right and wrong.  His memory I am sure will always be with those who knew and loved him, among whose number I imagine you as first.  A letter from you, which I found in his tent, causes me to convey this sad intelligence to you.&quot;  ''[pause]'' What shall I do with this, Mr. Bullock?
:'''Al Swearengen''':  What the fuck is your paper for?  You publish that letter, as witness!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''George Hearst''': I knocked holes in these walls.  Confinement gives me the fidgets.
:'''Odell''': Set yourself up comfortable.
:'''George Hearst''': Let me confide as well, Odell, that when people only say to me with other words what I have just said to them, I quickly grow impatient.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''George Hearst''': Gold is every man's opportunity.  Why do I make that argument?  Because every defect in a man and in others a way of taking him.  Our agreement that gold has value gives us power to rise above. 
:'''Odell''': Fond as you are of my mother, without that gold I showed you, I don't expect we'd be out here talking. 
:'''George Hearst''': That is correct.  And for your effrontery at our meal a moment ago, I'd have seen you shot or hanged without second thought.  The value I gave the gold restrained me, you see?  Your utility in connection to it.  And because of my gold those at the other tables deferred to my restraint. Gold confers power.  Power comes to any man who has the color. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blazanov''': ''[reading a telegram for Hearst about an order for 25 &quot;bricks&quot;]'' Do you believe, Mr. Swearengen, Mr. Hearst orders more bricks?
:'''Al Swearengen''': No. What do ''you'' believe?
:'''Blazanov''': I believe he orders more ''humans'' --
:'''A.W. Merrick''': Reinforcements.
:'''Blazanov''': ''[angrily thumps the table]'' To do ''harm''! ''[gestures to Merrick]'' As we saw on our walk! Leave to die in a country strange to them, men apart from their families, working to give them support! ''Fuck'' confidentiality of communications!
:'''Al Swearengen''': Why not fuck a woman instead?
:'''Blazanov''': I hope so, eventually.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hearst''': I hate these places, Odell, because the truth that I know, the promise that I bring, the necessities I'm prepared to accept make me outcast. Isn't that foolish? Isn't that foolishness? An old man disabused long ago of certain yearnings and hopes as to how he would be held by his fellows, and yet I weep. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': ''[to Doc, revealed to be suffering from tuberculosis]'' Jesus Christ! The fucking gimp finds something useful to do in the fucking brace you made her. Do you think you could treat &quot;Being Johnny&quot;—always struggling to fashion a fuckin' thought? Every fucking night, I, that could cut a throat and sleep the sleep of the just, spend six fucking wakings trying to fill a piss-pot with my dribble and wondering when I got to be so old. ''[throws swatches down to Doc]'' Pick a fucking swatch for a spit rag, use the others for masks, and go about your fucking business. I ain't learning a new doc's quirks!

===Leviathan Smiles===

:'''George Hearst''': I'm to take you for majestically neutral? 
:'''Merrick''': I'd make the less exalted claim, as a journalist, of keeping my opinions to myself. 
:'''George Hearst''': You are less majestically neutral than cloaking your cowardice in principle?
:'''Merrick''': I can only answer perhaps, Mr. Hearst, events have not yet disclosed to me all that I am.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaughnessy''': I'll not have vile affections, or uncleaness, on these premises. Find my specific meaning at Romans 1:24-6.
:'''Calamity Jane''': ''[drawing over Shaughnessy's biblical quote placard]'' Fuck yourself, with a fist-punch up your ass, today at the present moment! ''[punches Shaughnessy in the gut]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Samuel Fields''': Cause I’m a nigger, Doc, that don’t care what stands or falls.
:'''Doc Cochran:''' Hostetler was too.
:'''Samuel Fields:''' Hostetler was taller than me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Johnny''': You say it weren't an ass fuck, I believe you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Seth Bullock''': I've had a wire... says your statement is true, far as having worked as a lawman.  Not asking why you put the work aside, I'll say only some that do find themselves ready and uniquely able to work the other side of the street.  Some do that.  I took the badge off myself once, without losing my impulse to beat on certain types.
:'''Wyatt Earp''': Though, that seems never to go.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cy Tolliver''': ''[on seeing a gang of Pinkertons ride into camp]'' Take them amateurs off the fucking sugar tit.  Mr. Hearst brought the pros to town.

===Amateur Night===
:'''Hearst''': You will not mistake the newspaper man: he looks like a... big turtle.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Silas Adams''': Horsemen come to camp by torchlight last night.
:'''Cy Tolliver''': Tell Al as we didn't wake to the apocalypse, I suppose all we need fear is their Winchesters.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Morgan''': They have their fuckin' fun with you, and in the morning, they treat you like dirt.
:'''Wyatt''': ''[chuckles]'' And you a fucking virgin...
:'''Morgan''': No, and not pretending to be.
:'''Wyatt''': ...to be wounded by her callous ways.
:'''Morgan''': All I’m saying is she could have been nicer, and those steerers more fuckin' polite.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugo Jarry''': Washington harasses us for our difficulties in distribution to the Indians, thereby distracting the nation at large from Washington's own fiscal turpitudes and miasms.
:'''Silas''': There amongst the turpitudes and miasms, you got caught stealing the money.
:'''Hugo Jarry''': The money was not stolen.  There was an amount of siphoning off and certain irregularities.
:'''Silas''': Sounds like it was regular as milking Bessie, 96¢ on the dollar.
:'''Hugo Jarry''': Rank exaggeration.
:'''Silas''': If it was less than 90, you fucked generations of Indian agents to come.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jane''': Get out of my fucking light.
:'''Mose''': It's me.
:'''Jane''': Who is me?  The fucking eclipse?
:'''Mose''': Mose Manuel.
:'''Jane''': Oh, really?  I thought it—it was Giganto, the runaway circus elephant.
:'''Mose''': Miss Stubbs has been looking for you.  Those kids need chaperoning to the new schoolhouse, Jane.  ''[Jane turns away and  puts her hands to her ears, shutting her eyes.]''  Get up and walk them kids.
:'''Jane''': Okay, Giganto!  Don’t tusk me to death with your tusks. ''[steadies herself, sheathing her gun]'' How long do I have to assemble myself?
:'''Mose''': They'll be ready to go in a few minutes.
:'''Jane''': Shut up.

===A Constant Throb===
:'''George Hearst''': Elections cannot inconvenience me. They ratify my will or I neuter them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugo Jarry''': Perhaps then, rather, at this moment—having had in fact no connection to the regrettable incident involving Mrs. Ellsworth—you are Socrates to my Alcibiades, taking it upon yourself to edify me?
:'''George Hearst''': Are you saying you want to fuck me?
:'''Hugo Jarry''': ''[confused]'' What?
:'''George Hearst''': Well, you keep calling yourself Alcibiades to my Socrates. Are you proposing some sort of a homosexual connection between us?
:'''Hugo Jarry''': I'd forgot that part of the story.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': Tell E.B. nothing.
:'''Richardson''': I'll just keep quiet.
:'''Al Swearengen''': No. Tell E.B. nothing's going on and then tell him, &quot;If I wanted to tell you anything, I'd have told you.  Don't send the imbecile over with no more notes.&quot;
:'''Richardson''': I can't remember all that.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Can you remember &quot;Nothing's going on&quot;?
:'''Richardson''': Yes.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Tell him that, then.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''George Hearst''': Have you smelt human flesh on the spit?
:'''E.B.''': How would I have?
:'''George Hearst''': I know the smell. 
:'''E.B.''': You have been to and fro in the world.
:'''George Hearst''': It pleased me to find out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': How well do you know the other guy?
:'''Pinkerton''': Who would that be?
:'''Al Swearengen''': That my man Dority killed. The Captain.
:'''Pinkerton''': We served in the 69th in New York.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Was that a mick regiment?
:'''Pinkerton''': Yeah.  What were you doing?
:'''Al Swearengen''': Cutting throats.
:'''Pinkerton''': I was asking whose flag you were under.
:'''Al Swearengen''': The famous cocksuckers brigade.
:'''Pinkerton''': Is that so?
:'''Al Swearengen''': Command of the all-whore detachment. Distress you, when my man downed your friend?
:'''Pinkerton''': Let me tell you something, Mr. Swearengen. You don't scare me, and you don't fucking know what happened with the 69th New York.  I will tell you this: I didn't like what happened to Joe Turner.  Mr. Hearst came to him and said, &quot;Make it last, even if you gain the upper hand and can kill him.&quot;  And I think that was halfway selfish of Mr. Hearst, whereas Joe could have killed your man and didn't, and look how it wound up.  But that's as much as I feel like saying, and that's neither here nor fucking there.

===The Catbird Seat===
:'''Al Swearengen''': Knowing him for an errant maniac, I'll still not believe Bullock doubts me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': ''[reading a telegram from Hawkeye]'' &quot;23 men hired, all on our way.&quot;  This squaw-fuckin' idiot. Proves in eight words he's incompetent and a fuckin' liar.  He can't have got Adams' telegram more than four hours ago, yet he expects me to believe that in four hours he can prudently assess the qualities of 23 hires.  And you know what &quot;on our way&quot; means, huh?
:'''Blazanov''': No.
:'''Al Swearengen''': &quot;On our way&quot; means they’re getting drunk and blown in some saloon in Cheyenne and running their mouths about the big fuckin' filibustering expedition they're being commissioned for under the command of the famous Hawkeye, the laziest, most shit-faced whore-mongering cocksucker to ever piss my money away!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jack Langrishe''': The man I once was, Al, was not formidable, and I am but his shadow now.  And yet I'd be put to use.  A decoy, perhaps.  A weight to drop on villains from above.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hearst''': I oughtn't to work in these places. I was not born to crush my own kind.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': ''[to his whores, pointing at a sleeping man]'' Rouse him to spend on pussy, or rob the son of a bitch.

===Tell Him Something Pretty===
:'''Adams''': When he ain't lyin', Al's the most honorable man you'll ever meet. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hearst''': Have the gold seen to [Alma's] bank, Newman. Have its purity assayed. Let her or her seconds choose the man. When that tedium is completed, have the documents witnessed as though we were all of us Jews. And bring the business back to me. ''[turns to leave]'' Excuse my absence, Mr. Star, as I hope you'll forgive my thoughtless aspersion on your race. ''[Sol nods.]'' You stand for local office, but some contests being countywide, I await wires from the other camps. ''[holds the door open and Alma turns to leave. Hearst sniffs as she passes by.]'' You've changed your scent.
:'''Seth Bullock''': Can't shut up!  Every bully I ever met can't shut his fuckin' mouth... except when he's afraid.
:'''Hearst''': You mistake for fear, Mr. Bullock, what is in fact preoccupation. I'm having a conversation you cannot hear.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rutherford''': Right to vote shall not be abridged or denied... ''[drinks]'' ...on account of race or color or condition of previous servitude. 15th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, ratified 1870, law of the land thereafter, including territories.
:'''A Pinkerton''': They got something about niggers not waiting their turn?
:'''Rutherford''': Not that I'm aware of.
:'''A Pinkerton''': Oh, you ain't aware of it? Then I guess you'll want this white man voting first?
:'''Fields''': What's a few minutes more?
:'''Charlie Utter''': The nigger was before him.
:'''A Pinkerton''': No he wasn't.
:'''Charlie Utter''': I guess you're blind and stupid.
:'''Fields''': I believe I'll vote later.
:'''Charlie Utter''': Fuck if you will.  Get your nigger ass back in line.
:'''A Pinkerton''': ''[to Fields]'' You'd better be walking him home afterwards. ''[pulls on his collar and gags]''
:'''Charlie Utter''': You'd better see to that yourself, 'cause if he don't make it, you'll be eating your spuds runnin' till I hunt you the fuck down.
:'''Rutherford''': ''[patting Fields on the shoulder]'' And that settles that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': ''[talking to the Indian head in the box]'' This fuckin' place is gonna be a fuckin' misery. Every fuckin' one of them, every fuckin' time I walk by, &quot;Ooh, how could you? How could you?&quot; With their big fuckin' cow eyes.  The entire fuckin' gaggle of 'em is gonna have to bleed and quit before we can even hope for peace. What's the fuckin' alternative? I ain't fuckin' killing her that sat nights with me sick and takin' slaps to her mug that were some less than fuckin' fair. I should have fuckin' learned to use a gun, but I'm too fuckin' entrenched in my ways. And you ain't exactly the one to be levelin' criticisms on the score of being slow to adapt.  You fuckin' people are the original slow fuckin' learners! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charlie Utter''': You done fuckin' good.
:'''Seth Bullock''': I did fuckin' nothin'.
:'''Charlie Utter''': That's often the tough one, in aid of the larger purpose.
:'''Seth Bullock''': Which is layin' head to pillow and not confusin' yourself with a sucker?
:'''Charlie Utter''': Far as I ever get.
:'''Seth Bullock''': 'Cause that's gonna be a project tonight.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Johnny Burns''': ''[referring to Jen, who was murdered in place of Trixie]'' Did she suffer?
:'''Al Swearengen''': I was gentle as I was able, and that's the last we'll fuckin' speak of it.  ''[Johnny wanders off.]''  Wants me to tell him somethin' pretty.

==''[[w:Deadwood: The Movie|Deadwood: The Movie]]''==
:'''Calamity Jane''': Ten years gone, approaching that self-same hill I thought to lay me down and rise no more.  Gimme wide berth, that's just passed wind! Possibly worse.  Before eyes close for good and all I'd once again see my Joanie Stubbs, show her a sign of...loving regret from Calamity Jane to her darling. And too at the grave of Wild Bill. ''[Jane pauses to take the last swig of liquor from a bottle before tossing it aside and beginning to ride off.]'' Left-cheek ass blister is a percolatin' son of a bitch.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alma Ellsworth''': ''[as Trixie screams profanely at George Hearst from her balcony]'' Trixie hasn't lost her gift.
:'''Charlie Utter''': She ain't for a fact.  Time can't touch that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''George Hearst''': These placer acres that you own, Mr. Utter, captured my attention.
:'''Charlie Utter''': Scouts you sent previous made that clear.
:'''George Hearst''': People whose judgment I respect assay this property's market value at $3,500.
:'''Charlie Utter''': Seems I'm the lone holdout on the path of progress. ''[Charlie motions to other side of stream where men are erecting telephone poles.]''
:'''George Hearst''': By way of abbreviating our back and forth and, and maybe generating some good will, I'd go five hundred above. Offer you $4,000 even, cash money.
:'''Charlie Utter''': My father taught his boy, uh, &quot;beat hell into him&quot; might maybe be more accurate... ''[both men chuckle]'' how if, uh, early enough on, you credited the settlements was coming, bought acreage reasonable, developed 'em sensible, hung onto 'em until the market come right, of a day you might could wake up and find you made yourself a respectable investment.
:'''George Hearst''': Forward-thinking was your father then. And now, here's his boy to confirm his papa's prediction.
:'''Charlie Utter''': Contrary-wise, man might could come to certain special feelings. Partial, say, to a piece of ground. A river bending through the forest like so.  ''[Charlie motions downstream where both men see Samuel Fields fishing.]''  I decline your offer, Mr. Hearst, thanking you for your time and attention. ''[takes swig from flask]''
:'''George Hearst''': My experience over time has come to be: Customarily, I am he who starts a negotiation. Names its finish, too.
:'''Charlie Utter''': Maybe getting mother-fucked this morning in the thoroughfare, by a woman in the bargain, has somewhat got your back up. Not the accolade you'd looked for out your return to fuckin' camp.
:'''George Hearst''': Proffering that assessment, sir, is hardly your proper bailiwick.
:'''Charlie Utter''': Far as that, I went and proffered it any fuckin' way.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': Ah... produce George Hearst Esquire, colossus of commerce, junior senator from California, who since our paths last crossed has went from strength to stronger strength still.
:'''George Hearst''': Even as you name me, a figure to be reckoned with in this camp, Mr. Swearengen, I have been made this morning, more than somewhat, to look an incompetent.
:'''Al Swearengen''': An incompetent? Now, how would that ever be?
:'''George Hearst''': These years now past, I'd have you recall my having been attacked. Shot, and near as not, done in by a whore, whose name, if I ever knew it, has now been lost to me.
:'''Al Swearengen''': I dimly recall the matter. The nameless whore embarked on a program of vengeance, and, by God, she nearly brought off.
:'''George Hearst''': Referring to her attempt to murder me.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Not to pretty the picture.
:'''George Hearst''': I have lived believing the matter had been settled. And I was satisfied in that belief. But now, I realize I was tricked. The whore you presented in the box was not the shooter at all.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Ah, you're going for the long, larger minded view... Senator.
:'''George Hearst''': Which depends on running telephone lines across the claims. On recognizing common ground, bringing the future to it. A brief illustration of my point...
:'''Al Swearengen''': ''[Cutting off Hearst]'' Does brevity exist in your repertoire, sir?
:'''George Hearst''': I am making an offer on Charlie Utter's land. Lumber for construction arrived this morning.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Confident, are we?
:'''George Hearst''': Back my bid to buy Utter's land. Use your position in the town to sway others and I will drop any counteraction against the whore... The pregnant whore.
:'''Al Swearengen''': Uncharacteristically straightforward, sir.
:'''George Hearst''': Discover your deepest nature, Mr. Swearengen. Walk with the future.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': You ever think, Bullock, of not going straight at a thing?
:'''Seth Bullock''': ''[beat]'' No.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': Well, if it ain't for Hearst to follow the law, why the fuck should it be for you? ...now, how should I construe that look on your mug, Bullock?
:'''Seth Bullock''': My job ain't to follow the law, Al.  My job is to interpret it, then enforce it accordingly.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''George Hearst''': I'm coming for you, Marshal.
:'''Seth Bullock''': I expect you will, Senator.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': We're all of us haunted by our own fucking thoughts. So make friends with the ghost, it ain't going fuckin' anywhere.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Al Swearengen''': No, not being either to say you have to run women. I strongly endorse that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[last lines]''
:'''Trixie''': Our Father, which art in Heaven...
:'''Al Swearengen''': Let Him...fucking...stay there.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Timothy Olyphant|Timothy Olyphant]] - [[w:Seth Bullock|Seth Bullock]]
* [[w:Ian McShane|Ian McShane]] - [[w:Al Swearengen|Al Swearengen]]
* [[w:Molly Parker|Molly Parker]] - Alma Garret
* [[w:Jim Beaver|Jim Beaver]] - Whitney Ellsworth
* [[w:W. Earl Brown|W. Earl Brown]] - Dan Dority
* [[w:Dayton Callie|Dayton Callie]] - [[w:Charlie Utter|Charlie Utter]]
* [[w:Kim Dickens|Kim Dickens]] - Joanie Stubbs
* [[Brad Dourif]] - Doc Amos Cochran
* [[w:Anna Gunn|Anna Gunn]] - [[w:Martha Bullock|Martha Bullock]]
* [[w:John Hawkes (actor)|John Hawkes]] - [[w:Sol Star|Sol Star]]
* [[w:Jeffrey Jones|Jeffrey Jones]] - [[w:A.W. Merrick|A.W. Merrick]]
* [[w:Paula Malcomson|Paula Malcomson]] - Trixie
* [[w:Leon Rippy|Leon Rippy]] - Tom Nuttall
* [[w:William Sanderson|William Sanderson]] - [[w:E.B. Farnum|E.B. Farnum]]
* [[w:Robin Weigert|Robin Weigert]] - [[w:Calamity Jane|Jane Canary]]
* [[w:Sean Bridgers|Sean Bridgers]] - Johnny Burns
* [[w:Garret Dillahunt|Garret Dillahunt]] - Jack McCall, Francis Wolcott
* [[w:Titus Welliver|Titus Welliver]] - Silas Adams
* [[w:Brent Sexton|Brent Sexton]] - Harry Manning
* [[w:Powers Boothe|Powers Boothe]] - Cy Tolliver
* [[w:Keith Carradine|Keith Carradine]] - [[w:Wild Bill Hickok|Wild Bill Hickok]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0348914|title=Deadwood}}

[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:HBO shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Western TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American drama TV shows]]</text>
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    <title>Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)</title>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-26T13:32:14Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>107.77.192.21</ip>
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      <comment>/* Dialogue */</comment>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="16392" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)|Beauty and the Beast]]''''' (in 92 minutes release) is a [[w:1991 in film|1991 film]] about a young, beautiful French girl who falls in love with a hideous beast.
:''Directed by [[w:Gary Trousdale|Gary Trousdale]] and [[w:Kirk Wise|Kirk Wise]]. Written by [[w:Roger Allers|Roger Allers]], [[w:Kelly Asbury|Kelly Asbury]], [[w:Brenda Chapman|Brenda Chapman]], [[w:Jeanne-Marie Leprince de Beaumont|Jeanne-Marie Leprince de Beaumont]], [[w:Tom Ellery|Tom Ellery]], [[w:Kevin Harkey|Kevin Harkey]], [[w:Robert Lence|Robert Lence]], [[w:Burny Mattinson|Burny Mattinson]], [[w:Brian Pimental|Brian Pimental]], [[w:Joe Ranft|Joe Ranft]], [[w:Chris Sanders|Chris Sanders]], [[w:Bruce Woodside|Bruce Woodside]] and [[w:Linda Woolverton|Linda Woolverton]].
{{center|'''The most beautiful love story ever told.'''}}

== Dialogue ==
:'''Gaston''': Hello, Belle.
:'''Belle''': Bonjour, Gaston.
:''[Gaston takes Belle's book and takes a look]''
:'''Belle''': Gaston, may I have my book, please?
:'''Gaston''': How can you read this? There's no pictures!
:'''Belle''': Well, some people use their imagination.
:'''Gaston''': ''[tosses the book aside]'' Belle, it's about time you got your head outta those books and paid attention to more important things. Like me.
:''[the Bimbettes sigh at him]''
:'''Gaston''': The whole town's talking about it. It's not right for a woman to read. Soon she starts getting ideas and thinking,...
:'''Belle''': Gaston, you are positively primeval.
:'''Gaston''': Why, thank you, Belle.
:''[Belle raises her eyebrows in surprise]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gaston''': Not yet!
:'''Lefou''': Sorry!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[angry, now that he found out Belle refuses to join him for dinner]''
: '''Beast''': '''''WHAT!!!!!!!?'''''
:''[Door bangs open and Beast comes running out, with Cogsworth, Lumière and Mrs. Potts giving chase]''
:'''Cogsworth''': Your grace! Your eminence! Let's not be hasty!?
:''[Cut to exterior of Belle's room. Beast runs up to it and bangs on the door.]''
:'''Beast''': ''[Yelling]'' I thought I told you to come down to dinner!
:'''Belle''': ''[From behind the door]'' I'm not hungry.
:'''Beast''': You'll come out or I'll...I'll break down the door!
:'''Lumière''': ''[interrupting]'' Master, I could be wrong, but that may not be the best way to win the girl's affections.
:'''Cogsworth''': ''[pleading]'' Please! Attempt to be a gentleman.
:'''Beast''': ''[growing angrier]'' But she is being so...'''''difficult!'''''
:'''Mrs. Potts''': Gently, gently.
:'''Beast''': ''[very dejected]'' Will you come down to dinner?
:'''Belle''': No!
:''[Beast looks at them, very frustrated.]''
:'''Cogsworth''': Suave. Genteel.
:'''Beast''': ''[Trying to act formal, bowing at the door]'' It would give me great pleasure if you would join me for dinner.
:'''Cogsworth''': Ahem, ahem, we say 'please.'
:'''Beast''': ''[once again dejected]'' ...please.
:'''Belle''': ''[Mad at Beast]'' No, thank you.
:'''Beast''': ''[furious]'' You can't stay in there forever!
:'''Belle''': ''[provokingly]'' Yes I can!
:'''Beast''': '''''Fine! Then go ahead and STARVE!!!!''''' ''(To Cogsworth, Lumière and Mrs. Potts)'' If she doesn't eat with me, then she doesn't eat at all.
:''[Beast runs back down the hall, slamming a door and causing a piece of the ceiling to fall on Lumiere.]''
:'''Mrs. Potts''': Oh, dear. That didn't go very well at all, did it.
:'''Cogsworth''': Lumiere, stand watch at the door and inform me at ''once'' if there is the slightest change.
:'''Lumiere''': ''[Taking guard position next to door]'' You can count on me, mon captain.
:'''Cogsworth''': Well, I guess we better go downstairs and start cleaning up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Into the Beast's lair. Beast enters, knocking over and destroying things in his path.]''
:'''Beast''': I ask nicely, but she refuses. What a...what does she want me to do--beg?! ''(Picking up the Magic Mirror)'' Show me the girl.
:''[The Magic Mirror shines, then glows green and reveals Belle in her bedroom, talking to the Wardrobe]''
:'''Wardrobe''': ''[in mirror pleading]'' Why the master's not so bad once you get to know him. Why don't you give him a chance?
:'''Belle''': ''[still disturbed by the attack]'' I don't want to get to know him. I don't want to have anything to do with him!
:'''Beast''': ''[setting down Magic Mirror, speaking tenderly]'' I'm just fooling myself. She'll never see me as anything...but a monster. ''(Another petal falls off the rose.)'' It's hopeless.
:''[Beast puts his head in his hands as in depressed state.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Beast catches Belle in the West Wing]''
:'''Beast''': Why did you come here?
:'''Belle''': I'm sorry.
:'''Beast''': I warned you never to ''come here!''
:'''Belle''': I didn't mean any harm.
:'''Beast''': ''[now completely furious]'' Do you realize what you could have done?! ''[smashes a table out of anger]''
:'''Belle''': Please... Stop! No!
:'''Beast''': ''[loudly]'' Get out! ''[smashes more objects as Belle runs out]'' GET OUT! ''[finally calming down, he looks dismayed at his own behavior]''
:''[Belle immediately grabs her cloak, puts it on, and runs out of the castle; with Cogsworth and Lumiere close behind]''
:'''Lumiere''': Where are you going?
:'''Belle''': Promise or no promise, I can't stay here another minute.
:'''Cogsworth''': Oh no, wait! Please! Please, wait!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Belle nurses the Beast's wounds in the den after the fight with the wolves; she dips a rag into a small dish of hot water poured by Mrs. Potts]''
:'''Belle''': Here now. ''[the Beast is licking his wounds]'' Don't do that. ''[trying to clean his wounds with the rag]'' Just hold still.
:''[she applies the rag to the wound, but the Beast jumps back and roars in pain; the objects, who are close by, hide in fear]''
:'''Beast''': That hurts!
:'''Belle''': If you'd hold still, it wouldn't hurt as much!
:'''Beast''': If you hadn't run away, this wouldn't have happened.
:'''Belle''': If you hadn't frightened me, I wouldn't have run away!
:'''Beast''': Well, ''you'' shouldn't have been in the West Wing!
:'''Belle''': Well, ''you'' should learn to control your ''temper''. ''[the Beast tries to counterpoint, but can't think of anything good; so he bows his head annoyed; the objects re-emerge]'' Now, hold still. This might sting a little. ''[applies the rag to the wound; though the Beast winces, he doesn't pull back this time]'' By the way, thank you for saving my life.
:'''Beast''': You're welcome.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gaston meets with Monsieur D'Arque, the owner of the insane asylum to at his tavern]''
:'''Monsieur D'Arque''': I don't usually leave the asylum in the middle of the night, but he said you'd make it worth my while. ''[Gaston presents him with a bag of money]'' Ah, I'm listening.
:'''Gaston''': It's like this: I've got my heart set on marrying Belle. But she needs a little... persuasion.
:'''Lefou''': ''[chuckles]'' Turned him down flat! ''[Gaston hits him]''
:'''Gaston''': Everyone knows her father's a lunatic! He was in here tonight, raving about a &quot;Beast&quot; in a &quot;Castle&quot;!
:'''Monsieur D'Arque''': Maurice is harmless.
:'''Gaston''': The point is, Belle would do ''anything'' to keep him from being locked up.
:'''Lefou''': Yeah, even marry ''him''! ''[points at Gaston; ducks when Gaston tries to hit him again]''
:'''Monsieur D'Arque''': So you want me to throw her father into the asylum unless she agrees to marry you? ''[Lefou nods eagerly]'' Oh, that is despicable. ''[chuckling evilly]'' I love it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Belle has rejected Gaston for the umpteenth time; cut to interior of tavern]''

:'''Gaston''': Who does she think she is? That girl has tangled with the wrong man. No one says 'no' to Gaston!
:'''Lefou''': Darn right!
:'''Gaston''': Dismissed. Rejected. Publicly humiliated. Why, it's more than I can bear. 
:''[turns chair away]''
:'''Lefou''': ''[Runs in front of him]'' More beer?
:'''Gaston''': ''[Turns chair away again]'' What for? Nothing helps. I'm disgraced.
:'''Lefou''': Who, you? Never. Gaston, you've got to pull yourself together.
:'''Lefou''': ''[singing]'' Gosh it disturbs me to see you, Gaston

Looking so down in the dumps

Every guy here'd love to be you, Gaston
:''[cheering from the gallery]''

Even when taking your lumps

There's no man in town as admired as you

You're everyone's fav-o-rite guy

Everyone's awed and inspired by you

:''[Lefou turns chair back to forward]''

And it's not very hard to…see…why!
No…one's… slick as Gaston, no one's quick as Gaston

No one's neck’s as incredibly thick as Gaston’s 

For there's no man in town half as manly

Perfect, a pure paragon!

You can ask any Tom, Dick, or Stanley

And they'll tell you who's team they'd prefer to be on!

:''[Lefou has pulled a man's belt off, whose pants fall to the ground. Lefou jumps up and wraps the belt around Gaston's neck, who flexes and breaks it off. Lefou continues to dance around. Cronies pick him up and swing him around. Old cronies swing Lefou back and forth into the camera. Lefou tickles Gaston's chin, who stands with pride]''

:'''Cronies and Lefou''': No one's been like Gaston, a king-pin like Gaston
:'''Lefou''': No one's got a swell cleft in his chin like Gaston
:'''Gaston''': As a specimen, yes, I'm intimidating!
:'''Cronies''': My, what a guy that Gaston! Give five hurrahs, give twelve hip-hips.
:'''Lefou''': Gaston is the best and the rest is all drips!
''[Lefou swings up his arm in dance and throws a mug of beer in Gaston's face, who socks Lefou in the face]''
:'''All''': No one fights like Gaston, no one bites like Gaston
:'''Wrestler''': In a wrestling match, nobody bites like Gaston
:'''Bimbettes''': For there's no one as burly and brawny
:'''Gaston''': ''[flexes]'' As you see I've got biceps to spare
:'''Lefou''': Not a bit of him scraggly or scrawny
:'''Gaston''': That's right! And every last bit of me's covered with hair!
:''[Gaston fights with the men, then lifts a bench with the Bimbettes on it. He drops the bench on Lefou, then turns to the camera and reveals his hairy chest.]''
:'''Cronies''': No one hits like Gaston, matches wits like Gaston
:'''Lefou''': In a spitting match, nobody spits like Gaston!
:'''Gaston''':  I'm especially good at expectorating! Ptooey! ''[spits]''
:'''All''': Ten points for Gaston! ''[Gaston plays a chess game with a man, then hits the board, sending it and pieces all over. He takes a bite of leather from the belt once wrapped around his neck, chews it and spits it into a spittoon, which falls and gets stuck on the head of Lefou.]''
:'''Gaston''': When I was a lad I ate four dozen eggs
Every morning to help me get large!

And now that I'm grown, I eat five dozen eggs

So I'm roughly the size of a barge!
:''[Gaston juggles a number of eggs, then swallows them whole. Lefou attempts the trick, and is hit in the face by three eggs.]
:'''All''': No one shoots like Gaston, makes those beauts like Gaston
:'''Lefou''': Then goes tromping around wearing boots like Gaston
:'''Gaston''': I use antlers in all of my decorating!
:''Gaston takes three shots at a beer barrel, which begins leaking into the mugs of onlookers. He returns stomping to his chair, where we see the fireplace surrounded by the heads of the animals he has killed.]''
'''All''': My what a guy! Gaston!!!!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Beast''': I let her go.
:'''Cogsworth''': ''[chuckles]'' Yes. Yes. Splen- ''[realizes what the Beast just said]'' You ''what''? How could you ''do'' that?
:'''Beast''': I had to.
:'''Cogsworth''': Yes, b-b-but... ''why''?
:'''Beast''': Because... I love her.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Beast and Gaston are fighting on top of the castle; the Beast strikes at Gaston, grabs him and holds him over the edge]''
:'''Gaston''': Let me go! Let me go! Please... don't hurt me!! I'll do anything! ANYTHING! ''[the Beast glares with fury, then his anger slowly melts as he realizes that he's sinking to Gaston's level. He pulls Gaston back in and close to his face]''
:'''Beast''': ''[calmly]'' Get out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[The Beast lays dying with Belle at his side; meanwhile, the rose is down to its last petal]''
:'''Beast''': You... you came back.
:'''Belle''': Of course I came back. I couldn't let them.... ''[hugs the Beast]'' Oh, this is all my fault. If only I'd gotten here sooner...
:'''Beast''': Maybe it's better... it's better this way.
:'''Belle''': Don't talk like that. You'll be all right. We're together now. Everything's going to be fine. You'll see.
:''[knowing better, the Beast reaches up and touches Belle's cheek]''
:'''Beast''': At least... I got to see you.... one last time.
:''[his paw falls and his eyes close]''
:'''Belle''': No. No! Please! Please! Please don't leave me! ''[Sobs]'' I love you.
:''[the last petal falls away, leaving Cogsworth, Lumière, and Mrs. Potts distraught; suddenly, a magical shower falls around the Beast and Belle, and the Beast rises into the air, turning into a human prince; then he lands on the ground and when he gets up, he turns toward Belle]''
:'''Prince Adam''': Belle... it's me.
:'''Belle''': ''[she looks into his eyes and recognizes him]'' It ''is'' you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[last lines]''
:'''Chip''': Are they gonna live happily ever after, Mama?
:'''Mrs. Potts''': Of course, my dear. Of course.
:'''Chip''': ''[pause]'' Do I still have to sleep in the cupboard?

==Countries Release dates==
*Egypt - November 22, 1991
*Togo - December 29, 1991
*United Arab Emirates - December 28, 1991
*Madagascar - July 18, 1992

== About ''Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)'' ==
* Well, [originally] when we were planning the big elaborate dance sequence that would include a moving camera craning up to the ceiling on the characters that would really have more of a live action feel to them—there was always this nagging doubt in our minds that it wasn't going to work at all (laughs). We had sort of a back-up plan just in case, if none of this works we'll just turn off all the lights and Bella and the Beast will be dancing in a little spotlight in a darkened room like an ice skating show (laughs). Fortunately, when we got the first piece of test film back, it was amazingly breathtaking, made a big sigh of relief because we knew it was going to work.
* We actually designed all the camera movement first and animated the characters to match that.
* We created computer generated stand-ins, the ballroom was sort of a chicken-wire kind of thing and Bella &amp; the Beast were represented by these box and egg sort of things.
* You have to make all the same decisions that a live action director would have to make. Everything from where to put the camera to what the emotional tone of the scene is going to be, in addition to answering all the questions about costume design and weather and color and all the numerous elements that go into making the scene. We're there every step of the way from the very first crude character designs and early storyboards to how loud the footsteps of the Beast should be as he's walking across the marble floor. We shepherd the process from beginning to end.
** [[w:Kirk Wise|Kirk Wise]] [http://www.bigmoviezone.com/articles/index.html?uniq=84]

== Cast ==
* [[w:Robby Benson|Robby Benson]] — Beast/Prince Adam (voice)
* [[w:Paige O'Hara|Paige O'Hara]] — Belle (voice)
* [[w:Richard White (actor)|Richard White]] — Gaston (voice)
* [[w:Jerry Orbach|Jerry Orbach]] — Lumiere (voice)
* [[w:David Ogden Stiers|David Ogden Stiers]] — Cogsworth/Narrator (voice)
* [[w:Angela Lansbury|Angela Lansbury]] — Mrs. Potts (voice)
* [[w:Jesse Corti|Jesse Corti]] — Lefou (voice)
* [[w:Bradley Pierce|Bradley Pierce]] — Chip (voice)
* [[w:Kimmy Robertson|Kimmy Robertson]] — Featherduster (voice)
* [[w:Hal Smith (actor)|Hal Smith]] - Philippe (voice)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia|Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)}}
* {{imdb title|id=0101414|title=Beauty and the Beast}}

[[Category:1991 films]]
[[Category:1990s American animated films]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Animated romance films]]
[[Category:Gary Trousdale films]]
[[Category:Kirk Wise films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Joe Ranft]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3147422</id>
      <parentid>3147420</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T13:33:21Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>107.77.192.21</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Countries Release date */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
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      <text bytes="16391" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)|Beauty and the Beast]]''''' (in 92 minutes release) is a [[w:1991 in film|1991 film]] about a young, beautiful French girl who falls in love with a hideous beast.
:''Directed by [[w:Gary Trousdale|Gary Trousdale]] and [[w:Kirk Wise|Kirk Wise]]. Written by [[w:Roger Allers|Roger Allers]], [[w:Kelly Asbury|Kelly Asbury]], [[w:Brenda Chapman|Brenda Chapman]], [[w:Jeanne-Marie Leprince de Beaumont|Jeanne-Marie Leprince de Beaumont]], [[w:Tom Ellery|Tom Ellery]], [[w:Kevin Harkey|Kevin Harkey]], [[w:Robert Lence|Robert Lence]], [[w:Burny Mattinson|Burny Mattinson]], [[w:Brian Pimental|Brian Pimental]], [[w:Joe Ranft|Joe Ranft]], [[w:Chris Sanders|Chris Sanders]], [[w:Bruce Woodside|Bruce Woodside]] and [[w:Linda Woolverton|Linda Woolverton]].
{{center|'''The most beautiful love story ever told.'''}}

== Dialogue ==
:'''Gaston''': Hello, Belle.
:'''Belle''': Bonjour, Gaston.
:''[Gaston takes Belle's book and takes a look]''
:'''Belle''': Gaston, may I have my book, please?
:'''Gaston''': How can you read this? There's no pictures!
:'''Belle''': Well, some people use their imagination.
:'''Gaston''': ''[tosses the book aside]'' Belle, it's about time you got your head outta those books and paid attention to more important things. Like me.
:''[the Bimbettes sigh at him]''
:'''Gaston''': The whole town's talking about it. It's not right for a woman to read. Soon she starts getting ideas and thinking,...
:'''Belle''': Gaston, you are positively primeval.
:'''Gaston''': Why, thank you, Belle.
:''[Belle raises her eyebrows in surprise]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gaston''': Not yet!
:'''Lefou''': Sorry!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[angry, now that he found out Belle refuses to join him for dinner]''
: '''Beast''': '''''WHAT!!!!!!!?'''''
:''[Door bangs open and Beast comes running out, with Cogsworth, Lumière and Mrs. Potts giving chase]''
:'''Cogsworth''': Your grace! Your eminence! Let's not be hasty!?
:''[Cut to exterior of Belle's room. Beast runs up to it and bangs on the door.]''
:'''Beast''': ''[Yelling]'' I thought I told you to come down to dinner!
:'''Belle''': ''[From behind the door]'' I'm not hungry.
:'''Beast''': You'll come out or I'll...I'll break down the door!
:'''Lumière''': ''[interrupting]'' Master, I could be wrong, but that may not be the best way to win the girl's affections.
:'''Cogsworth''': ''[pleading]'' Please! Attempt to be a gentleman.
:'''Beast''': ''[growing angrier]'' But she is being so...'''''difficult!'''''
:'''Mrs. Potts''': Gently, gently.
:'''Beast''': ''[very dejected]'' Will you come down to dinner?
:'''Belle''': No!
:''[Beast looks at them, very frustrated.]''
:'''Cogsworth''': Suave. Genteel.
:'''Beast''': ''[Trying to act formal, bowing at the door]'' It would give me great pleasure if you would join me for dinner.
:'''Cogsworth''': Ahem, ahem, we say 'please.'
:'''Beast''': ''[once again dejected]'' ...please.
:'''Belle''': ''[Mad at Beast]'' No, thank you.
:'''Beast''': ''[furious]'' You can't stay in there forever!
:'''Belle''': ''[provokingly]'' Yes I can!
:'''Beast''': '''''Fine! Then go ahead and STARVE!!!!''''' ''(To Cogsworth, Lumière and Mrs. Potts)'' If she doesn't eat with me, then she doesn't eat at all.
:''[Beast runs back down the hall, slamming a door and causing a piece of the ceiling to fall on Lumiere.]''
:'''Mrs. Potts''': Oh, dear. That didn't go very well at all, did it.
:'''Cogsworth''': Lumiere, stand watch at the door and inform me at ''once'' if there is the slightest change.
:'''Lumiere''': ''[Taking guard position next to door]'' You can count on me, mon captain.
:'''Cogsworth''': Well, I guess we better go downstairs and start cleaning up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Into the Beast's lair. Beast enters, knocking over and destroying things in his path.]''
:'''Beast''': I ask nicely, but she refuses. What a...what does she want me to do--beg?! ''(Picking up the Magic Mirror)'' Show me the girl.
:''[The Magic Mirror shines, then glows green and reveals Belle in her bedroom, talking to the Wardrobe]''
:'''Wardrobe''': ''[in mirror pleading]'' Why the master's not so bad once you get to know him. Why don't you give him a chance?
:'''Belle''': ''[still disturbed by the attack]'' I don't want to get to know him. I don't want to have anything to do with him!
:'''Beast''': ''[setting down Magic Mirror, speaking tenderly]'' I'm just fooling myself. She'll never see me as anything...but a monster. ''(Another petal falls off the rose.)'' It's hopeless.
:''[Beast puts his head in his hands as in depressed state.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Beast catches Belle in the West Wing]''
:'''Beast''': Why did you come here?
:'''Belle''': I'm sorry.
:'''Beast''': I warned you never to ''come here!''
:'''Belle''': I didn't mean any harm.
:'''Beast''': ''[now completely furious]'' Do you realize what you could have done?! ''[smashes a table out of anger]''
:'''Belle''': Please... Stop! No!
:'''Beast''': ''[loudly]'' Get out! ''[smashes more objects as Belle runs out]'' GET OUT! ''[finally calming down, he looks dismayed at his own behavior]''
:''[Belle immediately grabs her cloak, puts it on, and runs out of the castle; with Cogsworth and Lumiere close behind]''
:'''Lumiere''': Where are you going?
:'''Belle''': Promise or no promise, I can't stay here another minute.
:'''Cogsworth''': Oh no, wait! Please! Please, wait!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Belle nurses the Beast's wounds in the den after the fight with the wolves; she dips a rag into a small dish of hot water poured by Mrs. Potts]''
:'''Belle''': Here now. ''[the Beast is licking his wounds]'' Don't do that. ''[trying to clean his wounds with the rag]'' Just hold still.
:''[she applies the rag to the wound, but the Beast jumps back and roars in pain; the objects, who are close by, hide in fear]''
:'''Beast''': That hurts!
:'''Belle''': If you'd hold still, it wouldn't hurt as much!
:'''Beast''': If you hadn't run away, this wouldn't have happened.
:'''Belle''': If you hadn't frightened me, I wouldn't have run away!
:'''Beast''': Well, ''you'' shouldn't have been in the West Wing!
:'''Belle''': Well, ''you'' should learn to control your ''temper''. ''[the Beast tries to counterpoint, but can't think of anything good; so he bows his head annoyed; the objects re-emerge]'' Now, hold still. This might sting a little. ''[applies the rag to the wound; though the Beast winces, he doesn't pull back this time]'' By the way, thank you for saving my life.
:'''Beast''': You're welcome.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gaston meets with Monsieur D'Arque, the owner of the insane asylum to at his tavern]''
:'''Monsieur D'Arque''': I don't usually leave the asylum in the middle of the night, but he said you'd make it worth my while. ''[Gaston presents him with a bag of money]'' Ah, I'm listening.
:'''Gaston''': It's like this: I've got my heart set on marrying Belle. But she needs a little... persuasion.
:'''Lefou''': ''[chuckles]'' Turned him down flat! ''[Gaston hits him]''
:'''Gaston''': Everyone knows her father's a lunatic! He was in here tonight, raving about a &quot;Beast&quot; in a &quot;Castle&quot;!
:'''Monsieur D'Arque''': Maurice is harmless.
:'''Gaston''': The point is, Belle would do ''anything'' to keep him from being locked up.
:'''Lefou''': Yeah, even marry ''him''! ''[points at Gaston; ducks when Gaston tries to hit him again]''
:'''Monsieur D'Arque''': So you want me to throw her father into the asylum unless she agrees to marry you? ''[Lefou nods eagerly]'' Oh, that is despicable. ''[chuckling evilly]'' I love it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Belle has rejected Gaston for the umpteenth time; cut to interior of tavern]''

:'''Gaston''': Who does she think she is? That girl has tangled with the wrong man. No one says 'no' to Gaston!
:'''Lefou''': Darn right!
:'''Gaston''': Dismissed. Rejected. Publicly humiliated. Why, it's more than I can bear. 
:''[turns chair away]''
:'''Lefou''': ''[Runs in front of him]'' More beer?
:'''Gaston''': ''[Turns chair away again]'' What for? Nothing helps. I'm disgraced.
:'''Lefou''': Who, you? Never. Gaston, you've got to pull yourself together.
:'''Lefou''': ''[singing]'' Gosh it disturbs me to see you, Gaston

Looking so down in the dumps

Every guy here'd love to be you, Gaston
:''[cheering from the gallery]''

Even when taking your lumps

There's no man in town as admired as you

You're everyone's fav-o-rite guy

Everyone's awed and inspired by you

:''[Lefou turns chair back to forward]''

And it's not very hard to…see…why!
No…one's… slick as Gaston, no one's quick as Gaston

No one's neck’s as incredibly thick as Gaston’s 

For there's no man in town half as manly

Perfect, a pure paragon!

You can ask any Tom, Dick, or Stanley

And they'll tell you who's team they'd prefer to be on!

:''[Lefou has pulled a man's belt off, whose pants fall to the ground. Lefou jumps up and wraps the belt around Gaston's neck, who flexes and breaks it off. Lefou continues to dance around. Cronies pick him up and swing him around. Old cronies swing Lefou back and forth into the camera. Lefou tickles Gaston's chin, who stands with pride]''

:'''Cronies and Lefou''': No one's been like Gaston, a king-pin like Gaston
:'''Lefou''': No one's got a swell cleft in his chin like Gaston
:'''Gaston''': As a specimen, yes, I'm intimidating!
:'''Cronies''': My, what a guy that Gaston! Give five hurrahs, give twelve hip-hips.
:'''Lefou''': Gaston is the best and the rest is all drips!
''[Lefou swings up his arm in dance and throws a mug of beer in Gaston's face, who socks Lefou in the face]''
:'''All''': No one fights like Gaston, no one bites like Gaston
:'''Wrestler''': In a wrestling match, nobody bites like Gaston
:'''Bimbettes''': For there's no one as burly and brawny
:'''Gaston''': ''[flexes]'' As you see I've got biceps to spare
:'''Lefou''': Not a bit of him scraggly or scrawny
:'''Gaston''': That's right! And every last bit of me's covered with hair!
:''[Gaston fights with the men, then lifts a bench with the Bimbettes on it. He drops the bench on Lefou, then turns to the camera and reveals his hairy chest.]''
:'''Cronies''': No one hits like Gaston, matches wits like Gaston
:'''Lefou''': In a spitting match, nobody spits like Gaston!
:'''Gaston''':  I'm especially good at expectorating! Ptooey! ''[spits]''
:'''All''': Ten points for Gaston! ''[Gaston plays a chess game with a man, then hits the board, sending it and pieces all over. He takes a bite of leather from the belt once wrapped around his neck, chews it and spits it into a spittoon, which falls and gets stuck on the head of Lefou.]''
:'''Gaston''': When I was a lad I ate four dozen eggs
Every morning to help me get large!

And now that I'm grown, I eat five dozen eggs

So I'm roughly the size of a barge!
:''[Gaston juggles a number of eggs, then swallows them whole. Lefou attempts the trick, and is hit in the face by three eggs.]
:'''All''': No one shoots like Gaston, makes those beauts like Gaston
:'''Lefou''': Then goes tromping around wearing boots like Gaston
:'''Gaston''': I use antlers in all of my decorating!
:''Gaston takes three shots at a beer barrel, which begins leaking into the mugs of onlookers. He returns stomping to his chair, where we see the fireplace surrounded by the heads of the animals he has killed.]''
'''All''': My what a guy! Gaston!!!!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Beast''': I let her go.
:'''Cogsworth''': ''[chuckles]'' Yes. Yes. Splen- ''[realizes what the Beast just said]'' You ''what''? How could you ''do'' that?
:'''Beast''': I had to.
:'''Cogsworth''': Yes, b-b-but... ''why''?
:'''Beast''': Because... I love her.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Beast and Gaston are fighting on top of the castle; the Beast strikes at Gaston, grabs him and holds him over the edge]''
:'''Gaston''': Let me go! Let me go! Please... don't hurt me!! I'll do anything! ANYTHING! ''[the Beast glares with fury, then his anger slowly melts as he realizes that he's sinking to Gaston's level. He pulls Gaston back in and close to his face]''
:'''Beast''': ''[calmly]'' Get out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[The Beast lays dying with Belle at his side; meanwhile, the rose is down to its last petal]''
:'''Beast''': You... you came back.
:'''Belle''': Of course I came back. I couldn't let them.... ''[hugs the Beast]'' Oh, this is all my fault. If only I'd gotten here sooner...
:'''Beast''': Maybe it's better... it's better this way.
:'''Belle''': Don't talk like that. You'll be all right. We're together now. Everything's going to be fine. You'll see.
:''[knowing better, the Beast reaches up and touches Belle's cheek]''
:'''Beast''': At least... I got to see you.... one last time.
:''[his paw falls and his eyes close]''
:'''Belle''': No. No! Please! Please! Please don't leave me! ''[Sobs]'' I love you.
:''[the last petal falls away, leaving Cogsworth, Lumière, and Mrs. Potts distraught; suddenly, a magical shower falls around the Beast and Belle, and the Beast rises into the air, turning into a human prince; then he lands on the ground and when he gets up, he turns toward Belle]''
:'''Prince Adam''': Belle... it's me.
:'''Belle''': ''[she looks into his eyes and recognizes him]'' It ''is'' you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[last lines]''
:'''Chip''': Are they gonna live happily ever after, Mama?
:'''Mrs. Potts''': Of course, my dear. Of course.
:'''Chip''': ''[pause]'' Do I still have to sleep in the cupboard?

==Countries Release date==
*Egypt - November 22, 1991
*Togo - December 29, 1991
*United Arab Emirates - December 28, 1991
*Madagascar - July 18, 1992

== About ''Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)'' ==
* Well, [originally] when we were planning the big elaborate dance sequence that would include a moving camera craning up to the ceiling on the characters that would really have more of a live action feel to them—there was always this nagging doubt in our minds that it wasn't going to work at all (laughs). We had sort of a back-up plan just in case, if none of this works we'll just turn off all the lights and Bella and the Beast will be dancing in a little spotlight in a darkened room like an ice skating show (laughs). Fortunately, when we got the first piece of test film back, it was amazingly breathtaking, made a big sigh of relief because we knew it was going to work.
* We actually designed all the camera movement first and animated the characters to match that.
* We created computer generated stand-ins, the ballroom was sort of a chicken-wire kind of thing and Bella &amp; the Beast were represented by these box and egg sort of things.
* You have to make all the same decisions that a live action director would have to make. Everything from where to put the camera to what the emotional tone of the scene is going to be, in addition to answering all the questions about costume design and weather and color and all the numerous elements that go into making the scene. We're there every step of the way from the very first crude character designs and early storyboards to how loud the footsteps of the Beast should be as he's walking across the marble floor. We shepherd the process from beginning to end.
** [[w:Kirk Wise|Kirk Wise]] [http://www.bigmoviezone.com/articles/index.html?uniq=84]

== Cast ==
* [[w:Robby Benson|Robby Benson]] — Beast/Prince Adam (voice)
* [[w:Paige O'Hara|Paige O'Hara]] — Belle (voice)
* [[w:Richard White (actor)|Richard White]] — Gaston (voice)
* [[w:Jerry Orbach|Jerry Orbach]] — Lumiere (voice)
* [[w:David Ogden Stiers|David Ogden Stiers]] — Cogsworth/Narrator (voice)
* [[w:Angela Lansbury|Angela Lansbury]] — Mrs. Potts (voice)
* [[w:Jesse Corti|Jesse Corti]] — Lefou (voice)
* [[w:Bradley Pierce|Bradley Pierce]] — Chip (voice)
* [[w:Kimmy Robertson|Kimmy Robertson]] — Featherduster (voice)
* [[w:Hal Smith (actor)|Hal Smith]] - Philippe (voice)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia|Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)}}
* {{imdb title|id=0101414|title=Beauty and the Beast}}

[[Category:1991 films]]
[[Category:1990s American animated films]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Animated romance films]]
[[Category:Gary Trousdale films]]
[[Category:Kirk Wise films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Joe Ranft]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Fast Forward</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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        <id>2108323</id>
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'''''[[w:Fast Forward (TV series)|Fast Forward]]''''' is an Australian comedy show that ran from [[April 12]], [[1989]] and ended on [[November 26]], [[1992]].
{{tv-cleanup|2005-11-19}}

== Series 1 ==

=== Hunch (Steve Vizard) ===

* Shame Shame Shame
* Shame, Shame, Shame, Slut, Slut, Slut. (Derryn Doll sketch)
* Sexual Monster of The Worst Kind Deviant Chemical Carstration
* Thanks heavens it's only a toy. Imagine if it were real?

=== Chenille + Janelle ===

* Hello I'm talking to Chenelle, institute of Beauty + House of hair removal.
* Just look for the pair of legs with the Question Mark in between them.
* Well today Janelle, I Would like to talk about a service for those unfortunate Laddies + Lassies who don't know whether they want to be Laddies or Lassies.
* You mean a sex change

=== Robert Gottilebson (Ernie Dingo) ===
* Hi i'm Robert Gottilebson here to talk to you about that big thing tax.
* 15 percent, 15 percent
* You stick with me cos i'm always in the black.

=== Stewards ===

* I'm not seeing a lump of Black Forest Cake Darryl.
* She was wearing a crushed apricot silk gown and guess what she had for lunch? Crushed apricots!
* Your moon is in Saturn, take extreme care while rising.

=== Liar - Deshonke ===

* What the eye doesn't see the buyer doesn't know

=== Lost In Space ===

* Dr Smith was exploring more than the Lunar Surface

=== The Addams Family ===

* What Their re-playing 1960's T.V Shows In Prime Time? 
* They Promised By 1990 no Child would be living in poverty, so Why am I dressed like this, 'cause your fat + ugly Pugsley. 
* Lurch feel up Tish I'm standing for parliament

=== Get Smart ===

* The ol' disappearing policy trick.
* That's terrible chief if you have Politicians, without policies what do you have?
* The Liberal Party.

=== The Cosby Show ===

* I Just love this time of evening dear. (Cliff,Vizard). Sunset Cliff? (Claire, Downey). No, Primetime!
* I was thinking sought of you and I could go upstairs and play Doctors + Lawyers.
* Theo my son's still a virgin boy.

=== Brent Smythe + Barry ===

* Barry I want you to break that cigarette
* Once You've seen a Smythe ad you know Smythe has his own way of doing things.
* Last year Brent Smythe made as much money as the Prime Minister and his whole cabinet squared.

=== 60 Minutes (Richard Carleton) ===

* Do You Know were i can get my hands on a Hey Hey It's Saturday T-Shirt I enclose a $25 postal order.

=== Duck Beer ===

* Suck A Duck, making Australian's what they are today.

=== Fin Review ===

* You really knocked their socks of back there
* Didn't you see the way Hancock was looking at you?
* Who's Hancock?
* Driver take me back to the airport I think I'm in the wrong car

=== Valvoline ===

* I use valvoline so I can get into these really tight jeans

=== Mis ===

* This is one of my all time favorites. the Keating Interest Rate Classic. (Candid Camera)
* I am A Television Station without a license. The ABC ?

=== Rubbery Figures Cartoons ===

* Space the Three Years Between Elections
* Egg put it on your Face (Keating)
* One Stake through the heart Should Do you (man) They wouldn't 'ave given me this job if i didn't have a heart (Keating)
* Bob were running out of hot air(Keating) well let's throw out some first homebuyers (Hawke) It's not working Bob (Keating) Well I've Got Something. &quot;The'll be no Australian child living in poverty by 1990&quot; (Hawke) Got any more Bob?  (Keating) All our other Election promises were in my back

== Send-ups ==

===  ABBA === 

* We have not sung a song since we don't when. So we thought it was time to get together again

=== Cher ===

* I'd won a Oscar + I'd come pretty far, Without you Babe I'd become a Star

=== Divinyls ===

* I wanted to inspire the nation so I wrote this song about Masturbation.

== Other ==

=== I Dream Of Jeannie ===

* Jeannie I want my trousers back, Jeannie

=== Mr Ed ===

* Wilbur if you don't get rid of that horrible animal, I'm leaving (Carol). Is that a promise? (Mr ED)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia|Fast Forward (TV series)}}
* {{imdb title|id=0096581|title=Fast Forward}}

[[Category:Sketch comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>My So-Called Life</title>
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        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
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      <text bytes="47258" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:My So-Called Life|My So-Called Life]]''''' (1994–1995) was a short-lived television drama series that examined the life of a 15-year-old girl and her trials and tribulations with being a teenager and dealing with friends, guys, parents and school. 

== Season 1 ==
=== ''[[w:Pilot (My So-Called Life)|Pilot]]'' [1.1] ===

:'''Angela''': ''[voiceover]'' So, I started hanging out with Rayanne Graff, just for fun. Just 'cause it seemed like if I didn't, I would die, or something. ...Things were getting to me. Just how people are -- how they always expect you to be a certain way. Even your best friend. ...Like, with boys, like they have it so easy. Like you have to pretend you don't notice them noticing you. ...Like cheerleaders. Can't people just cheer on their own? Like to themselves? ...School is a battlefield for your heart. So when Rayanne Graff told me my hair was holding me back, I had to listen. 'Cause she wasn't just talking about my hair. She was talking about my life.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': ''[voiceover]'' My dad and I used to be pretty tight. The sad truth is, my breasts have come between us. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rayanne''': You want to have sex with him.
:'''Angela''': Who?
:'''Rayanne''': Who? Jordan! Catalano? Come on, I'm not going to tell anyone, just admit it.
:'''Angela''': I just like how he's always leaning. Against stuff. He leans great. Either sex or a conversation -- ideally both.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': ''[voiceover]'' My parents keep asking how school was. It's like saying, &quot;How was that drive-by shooting?&quot; You don't care how it was, you're lucky to get out alive. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rickie''': If you were about to do it, okay, what would you want the other person to say, like, right before? 
:'''Rayanne''': This won't take long.
:'''Rickie''': No, seriously. 
:'''Rayanne''': Do I know you?
:'''Rickie''': No, like, for real. Like, romantic. 
:'''Angela''': You're so beautiful, it hurts to look at you. 
:'''Rayanne''': It hurts to look at you? 
:'''Rickie''': How'd you think of that? 
:'''Rayanne''': Where would it hurt?
:'''Rickie''': I really like that.

=== ''Dancing in the Dark'' [1.2] ===

:'''Angela''': ''[voiceover]'' I've been kissed 3 times. No, 4 times. No, 3 times. All of them were people I never saw again. Which I hope doesn't like, ''mean'' something.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rayanne''': ''[After Angela has been talking loudly as Jordan walked by]'' Angela, he's gone. You can talk like a normal person.
:'''Angela''': Oh, God.
:'''Rayanne''': You have got to progress to the next phase of this. I mean, think of Rickie and me. How much more can we take?
:'''Angela''': I just don't want to look like I'm throwing myself at him.
:'''Rayanne''': Excuse me. People throwing themselves at people? Is, like, the basis of civilization.
:'''Rickie''': She has a point.
:'''Angela''': ''[voiceover]'' If Jordan Catalano is, like, nearby, my entire body knows it. Like one of those dogs that point? I'll keep talking and stuff, but my mind won't even know what I'm saying. I keep wondering if there's like, a term for this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': I'm not saying...see, there's thinking about him, right? Which is what I do, all the time, like, like this ...
:'''Rickie''': Obsession.
:'''Rayanne''': Right, so?
:'''Angela''': So, it keeps me going, or something, like I need it, just to get through the day. It -- it's just ...
:'''Rickie''': It's an obsession.
:'''Angela''': Right. And if you make it real, it, it's not the same. It's not...it's not yours anymore. I don't know -- maybe I'd rather have the fantasy, than even him.
:'''Rickie''': I completely understand this.
:'''Rayanne''': I totally and completely disagree. You want Jordan Catalano, in actuality, because...there is no 'because'! You just want him! Only you're programmed to never admit it.
:'''Rickie''': That does have the ring of truth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': ''[voiceover, regarding Jordan]'' We both stopped talking. Part of his sleeve was touching my arm. I don't know if he knew. Then everything started to seem perfect for some reason. The feel of his shirt against my elbow, the fact that I still had an elbow. It was the perfect moment for him to kiss me, for him to anything me.
:'''Jordan''': ''[leans closer, then opens her car door]'' Well, I gotta go, so... Later.
:''[Angela gets out]''
:'''Angela''': ''[voiceover]'' I could have killed him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': Dad, I don't feel like talking. No offense.
:'''Graham''': Oh, I don't feel like talking. Certainly not to ''you''. You want me to warm up that spaghetti?
:''[Angela hands it over]''
:'''Angela''': ''[voiceover]'' I have to say, when my father warms something up, it tastes better than when anyone else does.
:'''Graham''': So how did your experiment go? with Brian?
:'''Angela''': He did most of it.
:'''Graham''': So was this like, a date?
:'''Angela''': Dad! It's...they're not...people just hang out. They're not -- it's not dates. There's people. Together. In a bunch.
:'''Graham''': So was there someone else there...you like?
:'''Angela''': ''[voiceover]'' It's so strange how parents can, out of nowhere, turn psychic. It's unnerving.
:'''Graham''': It's okay to like someone. But, I mean, boys your age can sometimes --
:'''Angela''': Dad, I know. ''[pause]'' Can sometimes' what?
:'''Graham''': Can sometimes not know how to be what you want them to be. My point is that...it's really...hard to figure out how to be a man. Practically every man I know is still working on it.

=== ''Guns and Gossip'' [1.3] ===

:'''Angela''': ''[voiceover]'' Grown-ups like to tell you where they were when President Kennedy was shot, which they all know to the exact second. Which makes me almost jealous -- like I should have something important enough to know where I was when it happened. But I don't, yet. And the fact that it was a better time then, and people knew what they were supposed to do and how to make the world better...now nobody knows anything. We know who's popular, or that Social Studies is boring, or that Brian always has stomach trouble -- but nobody knows anything important. Instead of changing the world, people sit in class and write notes about other people.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Patty''': I'm Patty Chase.
:'''Amber''': Hi.
:'''Patty''': Angela's mom?
:'''Amber''': Oh, WOW. Angela! Oh, Rayanne talks about her all the time. She's in love with her! She wants to ''be'' Angela.
:'''Patty''': Really! Gosh, they seem so different.
:'''Amber''': Oh, you know kids. They find one person and they just can't get enough of them! It's like being in love, only they're not allowed to have sex.
:'''Patty''': Riiiight.
:'''Amber''': No, don't you remember? There'd be, like, this one person, who had, like, perfect hair, or perfect breasts, or they were just so funny, and you just wanted to eat them up -- just live in their bed, and just be them. It's like everybody else was in black and white, and that person was in color. Well, Rayanne thinks Angela is in color. Major color.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': ''[voiceover]'' When I was twelve, my mother gave me my sex talk. I'm not sure either of us has fully recovered.
:'''Patty''': Now that you and Jordan are um...
:'''Angela''': Oh, my God. Mom, please...
:'''Patty''': Angela, I can accept that you have a boyfriend.
:'''Angela''': I don't have a boyfriend!
:'''Patty''': Fine. A pal. A male pal.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': ''[voiceover]'' It's such a lie that you should do what's in your heart. If we all did what was in our hearts, the world would grind to a halt.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': ''[voiceover]'' It's amazing the things you notice, like the corner of his collar that was coming undone. Like, he was from a poor family and couldn't afford new shirts. That's all I could see. The whole world was that unraveled piece of fabric.

=== ''Father Figures'' [1.4] ===

:'''Rayanne''': Do you ever get, like, hypnotized by food?
:'''Graham''': Hypnotized By Food could be my Indian name. ''[to Angela]'' Do you want to flip one?
:'''Angela''': Rayanne can do it.
:'''Rayanne''': I can't believe I'm cooking something, like, not in the pouch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': ''[voiceover]'' When you're not sure you trust a person anymore -- say, a person you really trusted; say your father -- you start wishing they'd do something, like, really wrong, just so you could be right about them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rayanne''': So, not to shock you, but your dad's attractive.
:'''Angela''': Oh, I'm sure!
:'''Rayanne''': Not that I'd attack him, or anything, but I wouldn't leave me alone with him, either. It's not just physical. He's...nice. You just have a really nice dad. He's really nice.
:'''Angela''': ''[voiceover]'' When someone compliments your parents, there's, like, nothing to say. It's like a stun gun to your brain.
:'''Rickie''': Plus, his stubble is the perfect length.
:'''Angela''': He doesn't have stubble! He ran out of disposable razors that morning; he was all disturbed about it.
:'''Rayanne''': Oh! In-touch-with-his-emotions Dad!
:'''Angela''': ''[laughing]'' Shut up!
:'''Rayanne''': Ignore Angela! She can't help herself -- she's the product of a two-parent household!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': ''[voiceover]'' You know how sometimes the last sentence you said, like, echoes in your brain, and it just keeps sounding stupider? And you have to say something else just to make it stop?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brian''': Angela, wait. Did you ever think that I could actually be doing something that does not involve you? I mean, that I may not just be sitting around in case you decide like that moment that you need my car?
:'''Angela''': So what were you doing?
:'''Brian''': Nothing! Do you want my sweater?
:'''Angela''': OK.
:'''Brian''': Just, try not to sweat into it.
:'''Angela''': Why do you have to say things like that?!

=== ''The Zit'' [1.5] ===

:'''Angela''': ''[voiceover]'' The worst feeling is suddenly realizing that you don't measure up, and that, in the past, when you thought you did, you were a fool. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': ''[voiceover]'' It had become the focus of everything. It was all I could feel, all I could think about. It blotted out the rest of my face, the rest of my life. Like the zit had become...the truth about me. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Patty''': I would think that you would welcome the opportunity to dress up, to look your best.
:'''Angela''': Who am I looking my best for?
:'''Patty''': For you! Of course this is for you! I mean, I don't...
:'''Angela''': Mom, just face the facts, okay?
:'''Patty''': What facts, what?
:'''Angela''': That I'm ugly, okay? Just face it -- I have.
:'''Patty''': How can you say that-- how can you possibly --
:'''Angela''': By looking in the mirror, okay? By looking at you, with the way you look at me.
:'''Patty''': How do I look at you?
:'''Angela''': By the way you instruct me on how to wash my face so I don't get zits. Like you have to fix me, like you're ashamed of me.
:'''Patty''': Oh, no -- Angela, sweetheart, no!
:'''Angela''': You expect me to beautiful, because you're beautiful. Well, I'm sorry -- I'm not. I'm just not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sharon''': Why do girls have to tear each other down?
:'''Angela''': I guess 'cause they're jealous. I mean, I was. Of you. For having what you have.
:'''Sharon''': Do you know how many times this week I wished I had what you had?
:'''Angela''': But I don't have anything!
:'''Sharon''': Exactly.
:'''Angela''': Well, this really makes sense.
:'''Sharon''': I guess it just all boils down to what they used to drill into us at Girl Scouts.
:'''Angela''': What, sell more cookies?
:'''Sharon''': No! No, you know -- um...'What you are is' -- no, wait: 'What your gift is --'
:'''Angela''': Oh! No: 'What you have is God's gift to you, and what you do with what you have is your gift to God.'

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Angela''': ''[voiceover]'' Sometimes it seems like we're all living in some kind of prison, and the crime is how much we hate ourselves. It's good to get really dressed up once in a while, and admit the truth -- that when you really look closely, people are so strange and so complicated that they're actually...beautiful. Possibly even me.

=== ''The Substitute'' [1.6] ===

:'''Angela''': ''[voiceover]'' Maybe teachers have a hidden life. Where they’re actually... like, human. Where they have, I don’t know... dignity. Or maybe not. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Student''': So why are you here? You the new substitute?
:'''Mr. Racine''': Why am I here? Yeah, good question. I'm the new substitute, yes. I'm here quite simply to get paid. Assuming all of you can read and write, I don't perceive any emergency situation.  That's all. Continue wasting your lives. ''[he pulls a folded newspaper out of his knapsack]''
:'''Sharon''': So, um...are we like, dismissed?
:'''Mr. Racine''': Do you want to be dismissed?
:'''Sharon''': No, you just said that...you just said that was all you had to say, so...
:'''Mr. Racine''': I will be here for the next forty-seven minutes. Whether you will also be here for that time is, to be candid, your decision.
:'''Jordan''': What's the catch?
:'''Mr. Racine''': No catch. If you don't want to be here, go. I'm not gonna stop you. ''[Jordan immediately climbs out of his desk and heads for the door]'' Well, you know, there is just, you know, one catch. We will be discussing you in your absence, but you know, if you don't mind that...
:'''Jordan''': Yeah, right.
:'''Mr. Racine''': Oh, it's no joke. I have no lesson planned. Trashing you in your absence will help, uh, pass the time. Right? It could, uh, possibly be educational as well.
:'''Angela''': So what are we supposed to do?
:''[Jordan returns to his seat]''
:'''Mr. Racine''': Ah, I've known you all of five minutes and you want me to tell you what you're supposed to do? Fine. Follow your hearts and veer away from heroin.
:'''Angela''': ''[laughs]'' No, I meant in the next forty-seven minutes.
:'''Mr. Racine''': I know what you meant, that was sarcasm.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Racine''': Write it down. Whatever you feel like saying write it down instead. What you never told anyone. What you never even told yourself. And don't fear exposure. No one is to put his or her name down. This will be completely anonymous.
:'''Rayanne''': ''[whispering to Angela]'' Just how I like sex.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Patty''': My husband and I read the stuff that the kids wrote --
:'''Mr. Racine''': Hope it didn't give him a heart attack. He seemed a bit fragile.
:'''Patty''': Actually, it isn't my husband who had the problem.
:''[Mr. Racine smiles]'' 
:'''Patty''': I just think...there's this one piece in particular that I just don't feel comfortable printing.
:'''Mr. Racine''': Oh! You're afraid that Angela wrote it.
:'''Patty''': This has nothing to do with whether Angela wrote it.
:'''Mr. Racine''': So, this is just censorship for censorship's sake?
:'''Patty''': What?
:'''Mr. Racine''': Hand them over. I'll type them myself, and I'll have them Xeroxed.
:'''Patty''': These are children! We are adults! This is not censorship! This is guiding adolescents who need...guidance!
:'''Mr. Racine''': That is a very reasonable opinion, and very clearly stated. Unfortunately, it's total manure.
:'''Patty''': Excuse me?
:'''Mr. Racine''': It's horse manure. I sense you're angry. Are you angry?
:'''Patty''': Yes!
:'''Mr. Racine''': Yes! I sensed that! ''[laughs]''
:'''Patty''': Why is it manure?
:'''Mr. Racine''': Good question. It is manure because this journal should be about giving these students a voice, not about having their thoughts edited. If these kids aren't afraid to put their hearts on the page, why should we be afraid of them?
:'''Patty''': You should really teach full-time.
:'''Mr. Racine''': We have a difference of opinion. Fine. But do you think you should be in the position of deciding because you run a printing press and I don't?
:'''Patty''': Do you expect me to answer that question?
:'''Mr. Racine''': Yes.
:'''Patty''': ''[pause]'' No, I don't.
:''[He hands the papers back to her and starts to leave]''
:'''Patty''': So. Did Angela write it?
:''[He smirks and walks out]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': I heard you left your family -- abandoned them.
:'''Mr. Racine''': I see.
:'''Angela''': So are you saying you didn't? I mean, what's the truth?
:'''Mr. Racine''': Well, there are a couple of truths. One truth is I left my family. The other truth is my wife is far better off without me. Yes. I got out. I escaped. I broke out of a prison of my own making, and many, many people want to punish me for that -- maybe even you.
:'''Angela''': I'm trying to --
:'''Mr. Racine''': 'To' what? To understand? Look, my struggle for freedom is mine. Get your own. Get out before it's too late, Amanda.
:'''Angela''': 'Get out'? Get out of what?
:'''Mr. Racine''': That mind-control factory -- that warehouse they store you in because they don't know what else to do with you.
:'''Angela''': You're telling me to drop out of high school?
:'''Mr. Racine''': Good question. Yes. Run for your life. Save your life. Let the walls of your gingerbread house come crashing down. Or not.
:'''Angela''': It's Angela. And I have to say I don't think leaving high school is the answer. I don't think leaving anything is. The thing is...is I kind of admired you.

=== ''Why Jordan Can't Read'' [1.7] ===

:'''Angela''': ''[voiceover]'' Love is when you look into someone's eyes and suddenly you go all the way inside, to their soul, and you both know instantly. I always imagined I'd fall in love nursing a blind soldier who was wounded in battle. Or maybe while rescuing someone in the middle of a blizzard, seconds before the avalanche hits. I thought at least by the age of 15 I'd have a love life, but I don't even have a ''like'' life! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': ''[voiceover]'' Huge events take place on this earth every day. Earthquakes, hurricanes…even glaciers move. So why couldn't he just...look at me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': I can go out on dates, right?
:'''Patty''': Yes, but we do have certain ground rules.
:'''Angela''': Like what?
:'''Graham''': Like what?
:'''Patty''': Well, you have a curfew, and we have to know where you're going and with whom, and you can't do any drinking, and you can't get in a car with a boy who's done any drinking, and your father and I have to meet him first, whoever he is. That's it.
:'''Graham''': Wow!
:'''Angela''': You have to meet him first?
:'''Graham''': Yes!
:...
:'''Angela''': That is so humiliating. This person means something to me.
:'''Graham''': Is there a person who means something?
:'''Angela''': Yes, and I don't see why you can't just trust that. Why should I have to parade him around in front of you?
:'''Patty''': We just want to drag you down to our level.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': ''[voiceover]'' This life has been a test. If it had been an actual life, you would have received instructions on where to go and what to do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sharon''': What.
:'''Rayanne''': So have you and Kyle gone all the way yet?
:'''Sharon''': That is. Completely. None of your business.
:'''Rayanne''': Duh. We aren't friends, due to the fact that neither of us can stand each other. And that's why I asked. Ask me me anything. Go ahead -- it's like, relaxing.
:'''Sharon''': You're so weird.
:'''Rayanne''': Duh squared.
:'''Sharon''': Okay. Look. I made a solemn promise to myself. That I would not go all the way until I was ready. And I'm, like. Sticking to that.
:'''Rayanne''': Well, it sure looks like you are reaching ecstasy when you and Kyle make out in the hall.
:'''Sharon''': Well, yeah! Well, I mean...well, you know how it is.
:'''Rayanne''': Well, yeah, in a way. I mean it's fun and all, but I don't always feel anything. Sometimes I feel numb, or something.
:'''Sharon''': Maybe you just…haven't found the right person.
:'''Rayanne''': I've tried every type of person. ''[Sharon stares at her]'' You don't have to look all worried or anything.

=== ''Strangers in the House'' [1.8] ===

:'''Angela''': ''[Sharon's father has had a heart attack]'' I wanted to hug Sharon, and tell her things, like how awful I felt, but, it was like I, didn't have the right, because we weren't friends anymore.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Graham''': I landed the account.
:'''Patty''': I don't, understand..
:'''Graham''': When they told me, I don't know, it was like a, this moment because I had to admit that, I didn't want to land it. Because landing it means that, I'm really doing this. This is my job, this is my life, this is it! This is what I really.. - But, look I'm sorry that I couldn't uh..
:'''Patty''': Oh no, that's..
:'''Graham''': ..You know, handle it or whatever..
:'''Patty''': That's okay..
:'''Graham''': But look, I landed it right? - That's all that matters.
:'''Patty''': I don't think so. I don't think that's all that matters.
:'''Graham''': Say what you mean.
:'''Patty''': I'm proud of you, I'm glad you landed the account, and you're fired.
:'''Graham''': What?!
:'''Patty''': You're fired, because I love you, because I don't want to lose you.
:'''Graham''': Uh, no, no Patty it's okay, I-I-I can fix my responsibilities..
:'''Patty''': I know it, but you're not happy, you're not. You're.. ''[sighs]'' something has to change.
:'''Graham''': What'll we do? I mean...
:'''Patty''': I don't know..
:'''Graham''': What'll I do? I don't even..
:'''Patty''': I don't know what you're gonna do.. I guess you're finally going to figure it out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sharon''': Why can't you even be nice to me?!
:'''Angela''': ''[shouting]'' Why do you need me to be nice to you, since everyone else in the world is?!
:'''Sharon''': It's not like that...You are the one person I needed it most from.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sharon''': My father almost died. And you were the only person who didn't even seem to care, people I barely knew, were coming up to me all like, concerned, and you, you acted like you barely even knew me.
:'''Angela''': ''[Beginning to cry]'' I know, I know I acted like that. I just didn't know what else to do.. I knew I was the last person on earth you wanted to deal with..
:'''Sharon''': ''[Beginning to cry]'' You were, the only, person, I wanted to deal with..
:'''Angela''': ''[Crying]'' I wanted to talk to you too, it just seemed like, you wanted help from everyone but me!
:'''Sharon''': I was, really scared.
:'''Angela''': I was too. ''[They hug]''
:'''Sharon''': ''[Crying]'' I know, I know we have different friends now, but sometimes I miss you so much!
:'''Angela''': Me too..
:'''Sharon''': It really, hurt.
:'''Angela''': ''[Smiling, and offering hand like when they were young]'' Squeeze my hand as hard as it hurts..

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': ''[voiceover]'' There are so many different ways to be connected to people. There are the people you feel this unspoken connection to, even though there's not even a word for it. There's the people who you've known forever who know you in this way that other people can't because they've seen you change...they've ''let'' you change.

=== ''Halloween'' [1.9] ===

:'''Angela''': ''[voiceover]'' When I was little I, like, worshiped Halloween. And truthfully, part of me still does. 'Cause it's your one chance all year to be someone else.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': ''[voiceover]'' Does anybody know Jordan Catalano? That question, like, got to me. I mean, I'd had seven conversations with him, and one really bad kiss, and one amazing one...But did I, like, know him?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': ''[voiceover]'' When someone dies young, it's like they stay that way forever, like a vampire.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rayanne''': ''[hold up tissues]'' Wanna stuff?
:''[Angela scoffs]''
:'''Rayanne''': What?! Its how they did it in the old days! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rayanne''': I saw you watching me.
:'''Brian''': What? I'm just... I... When?
:'''Rayanne''': Today. Shaving my legs.
:'''Brian''': Well, yeah. I'm, um... Look, I'm... My hobby is photography, so I'm, like, trained to notice stuff.
:'''Rayanne''': Being the stuff people notice is my hobby. I mean, I live for it.

=== ''Other People's Mothers'' [1.10] ===

:'''Angela''': ''[voiceover]'' Walking into someone's house for the first time is like entering another country. Not that I've ever been to another country.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': Sometimes I think if my mother wasn't so good at pretending to be happy, she'd be better at actually *being* happy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rayanne's mom''': When I get back, we're gonna have a long talk, Rayanne Marie! But, tonight, you're too drunk! You're like a drunken old fool! I want this place cleaned up by the time I get home!!
:''[she leaves, and Rickie and Angela run to Rayanne. Rickie holds her]''
:'''Rayanne''': ''[weakly]'' Why is it so cold, Rickie? Why is it so cold?...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Patty''': Rayanne reminds me a lot of a roommate I had in college.
:'''Angela''': Well, did you like her??
:'''Patty''': Yeah. But, one night something happened.
:'''Angela''': What happened?
:'''Patty''': Oh, the same thing that happened with Rayanne tonight. Except she died.
:'''Angela''': I'm sorry, Mom.
:'''Patty''': No. Honey, you did the right thing, calling me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': ''[voiceover]'' Each card has a name: The Magician, The Empress, The Fool, The Wheel of Fortune, Strength. They represent challenges and tests, twists of fate. No card is all good or all bad. Cards can be positive or negative depending on where they fall. When you read someone's future, they must think of a question. They must hold it in their mind. The cards are read in sequence, each card leads to the next. We move from terror and loss to unexpected good fortune and out of darkness, hope is born.

=== ''Life of Brian'' [1.11] ===

:'''Brian''': ''[voiceover]'' My mother's a behavioral psychologist, and my father's a Freudian psychiatrist, which basically means they fundamentally disagree on, like, everything. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brian''': ''[voiceover]'' I became yearbook photographer because I liked the idea that I could sort of watch life without having to be part of it. But when you're yearbook photographer, you're, like, never in the picture. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': Brian, this was all my fault..
:'''Brian''': '[voiceover]'' Her hair smelled incredible.
:'''Angela''': ...I mean, I ruined your night. And Delia's night. I should have just stayed out of it.
:'''Brian''': ''[voiceover]'' Like this orange grove we passed when I was eight on our way to see my grandmother.
:'''Angela''': And I can't really explain why I even got involved. But I'm sorry.
:'''Brian''': ''[voiceover]'' But I guess that's just like her shampoo, or whatever. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': What'd you tell Rickie?
:'''Brian''': I told him not to come over here.
:'''Angela''': But, hes my friend!!
:'''Brian''': Yeah. I know, He's mine, too, but, just in case we wanted like privacy-
:'''Angela''': Why would we want privacy?!
:'''Brian''': Well, just in case.....
:'''Angela''': What do you think is going on here, Krakow?!
:'''Brain''': Well, uh....
:'''Angela''': What did you tell Delia?! I explained to you why I wanted a ride to the dance! And it wasn't to come with you! You don't understand people, Krakow! You're so heartless! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brian''': ''[voiceover]'' Finally, an erection from actual physical contact!

=== ''Self-Esteem'' [1.12] ===

:'''Angela''': ''[voiceover]'' There's something about Sunday night that really makes you want to kill yourself...And that creepy '60 Minutes' watch that sounds like your whole life ticking away.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': ''[voiceover]'' So I tried to be invisible. It's surprisingly possible. You just sit in the back and keep quiet and let the boys shout out the answers, which they will, even if they're wrong. Boys are less afraid of being wrong. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': ''[voiceover]'' There are certain places in life. Certain places where only certain people go. Like, there's this line that you know not to pass. Like, there's this boiler room, in the basement by the north exit, where only certain people go. For only one reason....

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rayanne''': Angela, I can handle the boiler room. You, however can't!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Katimski''': What kind of girl is [[William Shakespeare|Shakespeare]] describing here? Is she the most beautiful girl?
:'''Brian''': No.
:'''Katimski''': Is she a goddess? Physically perfect? The kind of girl who stops traffic when she walks down the street?
:'''Brian''': ''[laughs]'' No.
:'''Katimski''': So he's not in love with her?
:'''Jordan''': Yeah. He is.
:'''Katimski''': Why is that? Why is he in love with her? What is it? What is it about her?
:'''Brian''': She's not just a fantasy. She's got, like, flaws. She's real.

=== ''Pressure'' [1.13] ===

:'''Angela''': ''[voiceover]'' I couldn't stop thinking about it -- the like, fact of it. That people had sex. That they just had it. That sex was this thing people had. Like a rash, or a Rottweiler. Everything started to seem, like, pornographic or something. Like, Miss Krzyzanowski had sex. So does Mr. Katimski. They both have sex. They could have sex together, like right now. I am, like, the sickest person. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jordan''': ''[to Angela, about sex]'' It's accepted! It's what you're supposed to do! Unless you're like...abnormal? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brian''': My parents have a vibrator. It sounds like a lawnmower.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': ''[voiceover]'' Sometimes someone says something really small and it just fits right into this empty place in your heart.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': ''[voiceover]'' People always say how you should be yourself. Like yourself is this definite thing, like a toaster or something. Like you know what it is, even. But every so often, I'll have, like, a moment when just being myself, and my life, like, right where I am, is, like, enough.

=== ''On the Wagon'' [1.14] ===

:'''Counselor''': I just need to know that you have a support system in place.
:'''Rayanne''': I don't need a support system. I got friends.
:'''Counselor''': That's exactly why I'm raising this. I mean, didn't you mention to me that you've had some feelings of distance from your friends since, you know... the incident?
:'''Rayanne''': What incident?
:'''Counselor''': I'm talking about the night you nearly died, the night that Angela's mother rushed you to the hospital. Now didn't you tell me that since that night you've felt some distance between yourself and your friend Angela?
:'''Rayanne''': I never said 'distance.' I just don't see her that much. It's not 'cause a some incident, it's, it's 'cause she's got this guy that she's, like, involved with. Which she wouldn't even have if it wasn't for me.
:'''Counselor''': And you don't feel any awkwardness around Angela?
:'''Rayanne''': No. The thing with Angela is that even with this stupid obsession with this guy, she's, like, totally there for me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Patty''': Why is that, though, do you suppose? I mean, why is it so taboo? Why, why is it that, that you can't speak to people honestly about their children?
:'''Graham''': Because-- I'm gonna kill you. Oh, Patty, it's like twelve-fifteen already.
:'''Patty''': I know, I know, I know. Okay, I'm gonna stop obsessing about this, starting now. 'Night.
:'''Graham''': 'Night. Because. ''[Graham turns on the light]'' Because nobody wants to hear something like that. Nobody wants to hear they may have made a mistake with their kids. Nobody wants to be accused of not being a decent parent. I mean, it-it is, it is an unwritten law, whatever goes on in your family is your business, period. Nobody else's.
:'''Patty''': Do you mind? I'm trying to sleep here. Do you really believe that? I mean, you really believe that it would be that much of an intrusion to casually and non-confrontationally mention to someone that you happen to be a little concerned about their child?
:'''Graham''': Uh, okay, okay. How would you respond to something like that? You know, some friendly, well-meaning comment like that?
:'''Patty''': Poison dart. Ohhh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': There's this thing tonight at this coffeehouse, Vertigo, and I-I promised Rayanne I would ask if I could go, but I-I don't even really want to go, and I feel so guilty. See she's, she's singing, um, with this, this band that-- all right, fine, it's Jordan Catalano's band, but this has nothing to do with Jordan, or the fact that we broke up or, or anything, that's what's so weird, it's something between Rayanne and me...I-I can't even describe, but it's there, and it's been there for, like, a while, since that night w when you had to drive her to the hospital. It's this thing that we never talk about. ''[She picks up a pile of clean laundry]'' So these are mine? Thanks, I was kinda low on clean socks. ''[She hugs Patty]'' Thanks for listening. ''[leaves]''
:''[Patty stands, stunned]''
:'''Graham''': It's okay. She'll ignore you for another month just to make up for it.
:'''Patty''': I know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rayanne''': Just so you know, I, uh, I didn't drink yhat whiskey. I poured it back. You can ask Angela.
:'''Patty''': You haven't had one drink? Since that night in the hospital?
:'''Rayanne''': No. Swear to God.
:'''Patty''': Why didn't you tell me that you had stopped seeing your counselor?
:'''Rayanne''': I don't know. Maybe just 'cause I wanted you to think I was okay, so you wouldn't mind if I, you know, stayed friends with Angela.
:'''Patty''': I guess she means a lot to you, huh?
:'''Rayanne''': I guess that's, like, the one thing you and I have in common.
:''[Rayanne gets out of the car]''
:'''Rayanne''': Thanks for the ride, Mrs. Chase.
:'''Patty''': Rayanne?
:'''Rayanne''': Yo.
:'''Patty''': Apparently you and I are in the same [[w:Bokononism|karass]]. Call me Patty.
:''[Rayanne leaves, then comes back]''
:'''Rayanne''': Patty, thanks. For, like...for my life.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': ''[coming out on the fire escape]'' Hi. I've never been out here before. So Rickie was really scared. I mean, I was, too. ''[silence from Rayanne]'' So, what, you're mad at me? Because I didn't get to hear you sing?
:'''Rayanne''': You didn't miss much, just me making a fool out of myself, and you've seen that plenty. Right? Anyway, I knew you wouldn't show. I can't stand these looks anymore.
:'''Angela''': What looks?
:'''Rayanne''': You and Rickie looking at me like I'm gonna lose control, like any minute I'm gonna go on some jag or something. I just can't stand knowing what you're thinking about me.
:'''Angela''': What? What am I thinking?
:'''Rayanne''': I'm messed up. That I'm too messed up for you to be my friend anymore.
:'''Angela''': Rayanne, that's not true. I never-- I'm still your friend. Nothing's changed. ''[voiceover]'' But that wasn't completely true either. And we both, like, knew it.

=== ''So-Called Angels'' [1.15] ===

:'''Danielle''': It's not fair. Angela got a new bike when she was eleven.
:'''Graham''': What do you do? Keep like running tally of everything we bought for Angela?
:'''Danielle''': Well, yeah. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Patty''': Oh, a Christmas card from the Levettis?
:'''Graham''': So?
:'''Patty''': Well, I finally took them off the list! We haven't laid eyes on them since Danielle started solids, and now out of nowhere they send this?
:'''Graham''': Patty, it's a greeting card, not a dead fish. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Danielle''': Do we have to keep talking about religion? It's Christmas. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rayanne''': Boy, people get swept up in this Christmas thing, huh?
:'''Angela''': You mean you don't?
:'''Rayanne''': Yeah, but my mom and I like to wait... for stuff to go on sale. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sharon''': Krakow, this is when people need the helpline, okay? People get so stressed over this holiday stuff, they experience actual symptoms of depression, or whatever. Like, total helplessness and despair. And, like, loss of appetite, or whatever.

=== ''Resolutions'' [1.16] ===

:'''Angela''': ''[voiceover]'' What I was thinking, as like a New Year's resolution, is to stop getting so caught up in my own thoughts, 'cause I'm like way too introspective...I think.
:'''Sharon''': ''[voiceover]'' I resolve to never again have sex with Kyle, or anyone, again, unless I really love and respect them.
:'''Kyle''': ''[voiceover]''... to spend more time with the dog, and Sharon.
:'''Katimski''': ''[voiceover]'' ... um, give up coffee, there, that's an easy one.
:'''Brian''': ''[voiceover]'' I resolve to stop obsessing over Angela Chase.
:'''Danielle''': ''[voiceover]'' ... to badger Mom into letting me wear make-up.
:'''Rickie''': ''[voiceover]'' ... to find some place where I like really, belong.
:'''Angela''': ''[voiceover]'' ... but what if not thinking turns me into this shallow person? I better rethink this becoming less introspective thing.
:'''Rayanne''': ''[voiceover]'' ... to stop drinking, but this time, like, really stop.
:'''Patty''': ''[voiceover]'' I resolve to be less judgmental, less critical, to lighten up! And above all, to be more supportive, and less suspicious ''[about Graham]'' no matter how much it seems like he's hiding something.
:'''Graham''': ''[voiceover]'' ... to tell Hallie Lowenthal once and for all that I'm not going into restaurant business with her... And to stop all those long talks with her after class. 
:'''Jordan''': ''[voiceover]'' Wait a second, isn't tonight, New Year's Eve?
:'''Angela''': ''[voiceover]'' ...okay, so I'll stay introspective, but I do resolve to stop doing Jordan Catalano's homework.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': ''[voiceover]'' The thing about resolutions is, it's hard to remember them around somebody like Jordan Catalano.
:'''Jordan''': This is wrong.
:'''Angela''': What?
:'''Jordan''': You, doing my homework, it's wrong.
:'''Angela''': Well I was just trying to help.
:'''Jordan''': It's like I'm taking advantage of you or something.
:'''Angela''': You're not taking advantage of me.
:'''Jordan''': Yeah I am. It would be different if we were like...but now you're just...you know, a friend or whatever. ''[pause]'' I can't do this anymore.
:'''Angela''': ''[voiceover]'' I couldn't believe it, for the first time in my life I actually stuck to a resolution.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Girl''': Do you have like an eraser I could use for a second?
:'''Brian''': I think so..
:'''Girl''': My eraser like won't erase.
:'''Brian''': Um, here you can keep it.
:'''Girl''': Thanks.
:'''Brian''': What?
:'''Jordan''': She would sleep with you.
:'''Brian''': What?!
:'''Jordan''': She, would sleep, with you.
:'''Brian''': Because I gave her my eraser?
:'''Jordan''': No..Because, because she would. Go get her number.
:'''Brian''': What?! How am I supposed to get her number? I just like ask her just ask some girl I don't even know for her number? Like, without warning?
:''[Jordan goes over to girl. Returns and tosses the number on the desk]''
:'''Jordan''': So, anyway, ''The Odyssey''? Is like this real long book right? And ah, I..
:'''Brian''': I don't believe this..''[looking at number]'' I don't..you like dothis? This is like how you live?
:'''Jordan''': Yeah.
:''[Brian starts laughing, Jordan joins him]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': ''[walks in]'' Hi! What's so funny?
:'''Jordan''': Nothing.
:'''Brian''': You sort of had to be there..''[more laughing]'' I have to sharpen my, my pencil..''[gets up, laughs]''
:'''Angela''': Look, if this weird for you, being tutored? I don't mind helping you a little longer.
:'''Jordan''': It's not so weird.
:'''Angela''': Oh, so, huh. Good!
:'''Jordan''': You could, have sex with me though..''[Angela laughs]'' if you really want to help. ''[Angela gets up, laughing]'' I guess that's a, no.
:'''Angela''': ''[Laughing]'' I'll let you get back to your work...

=== ''Betrayal'' [1.17] ===

:'''Angela''': ''[voiceover]'' I loved Jordan Catalano so much, and talked about him so much, and thought about him so much, it was like he lived inside me. Like he had taken possession of my soul, or something. And then one day...I got over him! ''[Angela dances and sings to &quot;Blister In The Sun&quot;]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': ''[voiceover]'' It was like Jordan Catalano had been surgically removed from my heart... and I was free.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rayanne''': I've never really hurt somebody this bad before... Hard to believe! I mean, but I guess you can't hurt somebody this bad, unless you really matter to them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Katimsky''': ''[explaining a scene from [[w:Our Town|Our Town]] to Rayanne]'' Emily is dead.The life she had is over. That's a pretty big deal. I mean — oh, gee whiz, she is just now realizing how precious every moment of that life really was, and that she never fully appreciated what she had. Just imagine what that must feel like, Rayanne.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rayanne''': You lost nothing Angela, You lost nothing you lost a lousy selfish friend and a guy you never really had, you lost nothing, I lost a really good friend. I lost everything.

=== ''Weekend'' [1.18] ===

:'''Danielle''': ''[voiceover]'' My whole life, is waiting for something to happen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Danielle''': ''[voiceover]'' My life is different people kicking me out of different rooms. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kyle and Warren are listening through the door]''
:'''Kyle''': Brian Krakow has Rayanne Graff chained to a bed, and they're all watching.
:'''Rayanne''': ''[talking about key for handcuffs]'' Brian, you idiot, that's not gonna fit. It's too big!
:''[Guys outside snicker]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Danielle''': You're awake?
:'''Rayanne''': I can't sleep. Too bored to sleep. Could you do me a favor?
:'''Danielle''': I could for money.
:'''Rayanne''': Girl after my very own heart. Okay, here's what you do. You go down to the liquor cabinet. You give me a bottle. Anything brown. I'll give you a dollar.
:'''Danielle''': Nope.
:'''Rayanne''': Two dollars.
:'''Danielle''': It's wrong to drink.
:'''Rayanne''': You have a real miserable side to you, you know that?
:'''Danielle''': My parents say you're a bad influence. I heard 'em talking about the things you do. Why do you do 'em?
:'''Rayanne''': I don't know. See, okay, when I look at myself, I see everything in, like, slow motion, and I think, &quot;Something has to happen.&quot; Only, it never does. So I have to make it happen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rayanne''': Look, I don't want to get into any big discussion or anything.
:'''Angela''': Oh, neither do I.
:'''Rayanne''': Oh, then why'd you ask me to stay?
:'''Angela''': The key? ''[Rayanne smiles, pretends she doesn't have it, before returning it]'' I knew you couldn't resist.
:'''Rayanne''': Party pooper.
:''[Rayanne leaves]''
:'''Angela''': Weekend from hell.
:'''Danielle''': ''[voiceover]'' That was the best weekend of my entire life.

=== ''In Dreams Begin Responsibilities'' [1.19] ===

:'''Brian''': ''[voiceover, writing a love letter on behalf of Jordan]'' Dear Angela, I know in the past I've caused you pain and I'm sorry. And I'll always be sorry 'till the day I die. And I hate this pen I'm holding because I should be holding you. I hate this paper under my hand because it isn't you. I even hate this letter because it's not the whole truth. Because the whole truth is so much more than a letter can even say. If you want to hate me, go ahead. If you want to burn this letter, do it. You could burn the whole world down. You could tell me to go to hell; I'd go, if you wanted me to. And I'd send you a letter from there. Sincerely, Jordan Catalano. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rickie''': Brian, did you do something... or something?? What did you do?
:'''Brian''': I wrote this letter... to her.
:'''Rickie''': Oh my God, and she thinks he wrote it. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Patty''': It's always tempting to lose yourself with someone who's maybe lost themselves. But eventually, you want reality.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rickie''': Uh, Delia? Maybe we should, uh, go somewhere sometime?
:'''Delia''': Okay.
:'''Rickie''': You know, like, uh, to a movie or something.
:'''Delia''': I'd like that.
:'''Rickie''': 'Cause, um, I, I really think that we'd be good together.
:'''Delia''': Okay, but um, you're gay, right?
:'''Rickie''': Well, I, you know, I, I-
:'''Delia''': Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't-
:'''Rickie''': No, it, it, it's okay.
:'''Delia''': That came out so rude.
:'''Rickie''': No, uh, see I, I try not to, um, no, I, I don't like, uh... Yeah, I'm gay. I just don't usually say it like that.
:'''Delia''': And how do you usually say it?
:'''Rickie''': I don't usually say it. I mean, I've actually never said it... out loud.
:'''Delia''': I'm honored.
:'''Rickie''': Uh, Delia, if I were attracted to girls, I'd be attracted to you. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': Brian? Brian, look at me. ''[pause]'' Um, that letter I told you about...um, Rickie said ''you'' wrote it. And I have to know, because...
:'''Brian''': Know what? There's nothing to know. ''[pause]'' OK, what Rickie probably meant is that...see Jordan Catalano asked me to like proofread it for grammatical errors.
:'''Angela''': You proofread a love letter?!
:''[pause]''
:'''Angela''': Is this like a game to you?
:'''Brian''': Um, hardly!
:'''Angela''': But you admit that you were involved.
:'''Brian''': I'm not admitting anything.
:'''Angela''': This is a joke, right? The...the two of you...Oh God. I can't believe I fell for it. It's obviously a total lie!
:'''Brian''': No, I meant every word. ''[pause]'' I mean the person who wrote it meant every word...probably.
:'''Angela''': ''[looking at him in a new light]'' Brian?
:'''Brian''': I didn't write it! 
:'''Angela''': Brian, you said...
:'''Brian''': Forget what I said. Forget this whole conversation!
:'''Angela''': How?
:'''Brian''': You liked it though right? It made you, like happy?
:'''Angela''': Yeah.
:'''Brian''': 'Cause that's all that, you know, matters.
:'''Angela''': To who?
:'''Brian''': To, you know, the person...who wrote it.

== Cast ==
* [[Claire Danes]] - Angela Chase
* [[w:A.J. Langer|A.J. Langer]] - Rayanne Graff
* [[w:Wilson Cruz|Wilson Cruz]] - Rickie Vasquez
* [[w:Devon Gummersall|Devon Gummersall]] - Brian Krakow 
* [[Jared Leto]] - Jordan Catalano
* [[w:Devon Odessa|Devon Odessa]] - Sharon Cherski 
* [[w:Lisa Wilhoit|Lisa Wilhoit]] - Danielle Chase 
* [[w:Tom Irwin|Tom Irwin]] - Graham Chase   
* [[w:Bess Armstrong|Bess Armstrong]] - Patty Chase

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0108872|title=My So-Called Life}}
* [http://epguides.com/MySoCalledLife/guide.shtml#top My So-Called Life episode guide]

[[Category:1990s American high school TV shows]]
[[Category:1990s American teen drama TV shows]]
[[Category:ABC shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:TV shows about teenagers]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>The Legend of Dragoon</title>
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'''''[[w:The Legend of Dragoon|The Legend of Dragoon]]''''' is a console role-playing game developed and published by Sony Computer Entertainment for the PlayStation. It was released in Japan on December 2, 1999, in North America on June 11, 2000, and on January 19, 2001 in Europe. Despite mixed critical reception, the game has amassed a very large cult following, including several online petitions for a sequel.

==Dart==
*Big talkers are usually weak.
*What a stream!
*It was a journey for revenge. It was a journey to find the guy who deprived me of something precious, and kill him.
*What I found on the ground was only this. It's a memento, the only thing my father carried around all the time. 
*There are those in the forest. Nocturnal owls are hooting. It's the proof that nobody is in the forest.
*Shana, you have something only you can do, right? You don't need to pretend to be strong. Besides, you can rely on me more. Like in the old days...
==Rose==
*I should be thanked, so why do I have to be yelled at?
*You 'deserve' to rule Dragons. This light shows the true evidence. From the time the Dragoon Spirit starts to shine, you have to accept your fate as a Dragoon. Just like me.
*When Dragoons meet blood will flow, and as they leave time does slow.
*War is not in human nature. Humans fight by making themselves enter Insanity. This is a tool to amplify that Insanity.
*Everything is turning out just as Zieg wished. The seal of the moon was broken, and the terribly disastrous plan laid by Soa finally has started. Those Virages are mere advance guards for the primary Virage Embryo. It seems the birth of the God of Destruction will only be a matter of time. Does the Divine Tree, which gave birth to all the species, want this as well?
*I feel naked without my sword.
*Those who flaunt their power disappear when the truly strong appear.
*I've been waiting for this moment.

==Lavitz==
*I am Lavitz Slambert! I am the head of the First Knighthood of the Kingdom of Basil! Well, it seems we don't have time for introductions!
*You can celebrate later. We are still deep in the belly of the enemy. Besides, it's too damp to have a party, isn't it?
*She grew up. She was alone in such a hell like place. If she was a regular woman, she wouldn't have been able to survive. Of course, there are not that many fools who would come here to save her.
*You'll make a good wife one day.
*Well, you have been away from each other for five years. It's natural to not know about each other. Wait, my mom and I aren't like that. Every time I go back to Bale, she welcomes me with the same smile. Wh, What? Did I say something wrong?
*This is what I saw everyday when I was young. I grew up thinking...'I'll be an admired knight just like my father and I'll protect this country!

==Albert==
*I thought we stepped into the moon.
*I believe love is the only entity that doesn't change over time.

==Meru==
*Are you really okay!? Your eyes are kind of watery.

==Lloyd==
*Death gives birth to tears, tears give birth to anger, when anger turns to rancor, it opens the path for war.
*That is not of your concern.
*This is enough information for you. Those of you who do not grasp the value should just do what the orders say.
*It doesn't matter. Everything is going just as I planned. Yes.... They don't know they are in the palm of my hand.

==Fruguel==
*You bastard! Don't let them out alive!! Wait!! I almost forgot the most important thing, don't kill the girl. IT's an order from His Majesty Doel!
==Commander==
*Shana.... Don't worry about her. She must be receiving the courtesies of Hellena Prison by now.

==Noish==
*As if they were gods, Winglies ruled over all living creatures, and used them as slaves. The enslaved suffered a  terrible domination and injustice. Their anger turned to a flame of fury; then, a gust of wind blew throughout the lands, spreading the flame to a blazing fire. The wind was Emperor Diaz. Seven incarnations Dragons served the emperor. Their bravery inspired people to take up arms. Thus began the Dragon Campaign. It was a harsh war. Both people and Winglies suffered countless injuries and fatalities. After a long period of suffering, it was the humans who acquired the future. The age of humans had begun.


==Savan==
*The courage to pursue your love will change even fate.

==Intro==
*When the clash of swords echo,
*The journey chasing the past ends and
*The journey to know today begins
*One soul seeks another and
*Pledges their sworn friendship to another.
*One mystery begets the next and
*The doors of fate are opened
*You are free to sever the chains of fate that bind you....

== Dialogue==
:'''Lavitz''': I am a bit concerned....
:'''Shana'': Wha, What?! Lavitz's mother gave me a compliment!
:'''Lavitz''': I guess it may be edible....
:'''Shana''': I don't like what Lavitz said.
:'''Dart''': I can enjoy and eat any food. Just make a lot.
:'''Shana''': I don't like what Dart said so much either.
:'''Kaiser''': I don't care about the taste. Edible is enough. Just salt is enough for flavor!
:'''Shana''': Even Mr. Kaiser too.

== About The Legend of Dragoon ==
* When we began this project, there wasn't any plans to include any movies at first. I mean, the characters themselves are all in polygons. We all thought that there would be a gap would appear between when we go from polygons to movies. But then again, Movies are very cool to watch so in the end, we decided to put them in whenever a significant event takes place.
* There is a race that can use magic, but these characters, like our human selves, cannot use it. You lose the sense of a real world if everyone can do everything. However, you will be able to use Magic while you are transformed as Dragoons. It sorta seems lonely to put in only the Additonal system. And if characters are just normal, they can't use magic. Thats why they'll be many items that will have the same effect as attack magic.
:* [[w:Yasuharu Hasebe|Yasuharu Hasebe]], [http://www.rpgfan.com/features/lod.html Famitsu Legend of Dragoon Interview] ''RPGFan''

* The Main theme behind the movies in which we see Dragon Fights was to give a sense of being in the air, which is impossible to do if you treat it as just another CG Movie. Since we wanted to show the things on the surface as well, it added to our problems. Since this game revolves around war, we wanted to show destroyed structures and smoke coming out the buildings. So in the end,we ended up with a lot of smoke*laughs*. That was the first time our CG team had to deal with Smoke.
: The Other would be the lighting. We set our goals to have lighting like in the Movies and I think we've succeeded in our goal. What often happens with CGs is that the developers want to show off their skills so much that they end up using too much lighting. However this time, we've taken account on what parts we want the user's eye to catch and used lighting accordingly. We think that thats the best way to show the part of the scene that a user shold be focused on. Of course, you might end up missing a lot of the visuals on the side
:* [[w:Masaharu Iwata|Iwata Kenichi]], [http://www.rpgfan.com/features/lod.html Famitsu Legend of Dragoon Interview], ''RPGFan''

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Legend of Dragoon, The}}
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  <page>
    <title>All That</title>
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        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
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'''''{{w|All That}}''''' (1994-2000, 2002-05, 2019-20) is an American sketch comedy television series created by Brian Robbins and Mike Tollin for Nickelodeon.

{{tv-cleanup|2007-02-11}}
{{unreferenced|article about a serial production}}

==First Run (seasons 1-6)==
===[[w:Josh Server|Josh Server]]===
:'''Himself ''[after getting amnesia due to a concussion from a falling spotlight]'':''' &quot;My name is Lord Swaynesborough of Fontcastle.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Detective Dan has just entered a classroom at Dullmont Jr. High School, thinking that it was a bank being robbed.]''
:'''Detective Dan:''' &quot;I'm Detective Dan! Everybody up against the wall, and nobody move!&quot;
:'''Other character ''[Bynes]'':''' &quot;Um...Detective Dan...how are we supposed to get up against the wall ''without moving''?&quot;
:'''Detective Dan:''' &quot;I'm Detective Dan.&quot;
:'''Other character ''[Bynes]'':''' &quot;That explains nothing.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Detective Dan:''' &quot;Hello, Pizza Shack? I'd like a large pepperoni pizza with no pepperonis.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Detective Dan:''' &quot;Wait a minute!  Where was ''I'' when this robbery was takin' place?  Hmmmm...''boys''!  Beat me, and then push me so I go flyin' out the window!&quot;
:''(The officers [Knowings and Tamberelli] accompanying Detective Dan do as he says.)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bernie:''' &quot;My name is Bernie Kibbitz. AND I NEED PANTS!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry Futile ''[the host of ''You Can't Win!'']'':''' &quot;How many shoes?....Ooooo, ''wrong''! The answer was nine. Nine shoes.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry Futile:''' &quot;YOU...CAN'T...WIN!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry Futile:''' &quot;True...or false?  Oooo, ''wrong''! The correct answer is, that one was 'googly-googly-wick-wick-wick-wick'.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Emily Maroon:''' &quot;Wall...wall hit face.  It hurt.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Toby Braun:''' &quot;I give you...The Board!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Toby Braun:''' &quot;Forget that bicycle!  Forget that treadmill!  Forget that thing I was tryin' to sell you last week!  The Board is the only piece of fitness equipment you and your loved ones will ever need!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Toby Braun:''' &quot;Check the pulse...irregular; good!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Toby Braun:''' &quot;With The Brute, you don't need a telephone!&quot;
:''(The Brute [guest star Ron Lester] destroys the telephone.)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''The Brute:''' &quot;I like flowers.&quot;
:'''Toby Braun:''' &quot;ME, TOO!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Walter the Earboy:''' &quot;WAIT A MINUTE! I know a guy who has huge ears like mine and everybody likes him! He'll tell me what I should do!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Superdude ''[Thompson]'':''' &quot;Well, if it isn't Milk Man!&quot;
:'''Milk Man:''' &quot;'Udderly' correct...Superdude!  Hope my little visit doesn't ''sour'' your day!&quot;
:'''Superdude:''' &quot;That's putting it mildly! Last time I saw you, you were rotting in prison!&quot;
:'''Milk Man:''' &quot;And I have ''you'' to thank for ''putting'' me there! I hate when someone ''spoils'' my fun!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jimmy Bond:''' &quot;Wow, that is some penny!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Julio ''[Miss Piddlin's assistant]'':''' &quot;Miss Piddlin?  Here--here's more peas.  Isn't that a lovely thing, more peas?  I was just gonna set 'em down very slowly...&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Tandy Spork:''' &quot;Chocolate?  Randy, once you've tasted the magical freshness of carrots, asparagus, broccoli, and green beans, you'll find that you won't even ''want'' to eat that nasty, silly chocolate anymore!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mumbly Spice:''' &quot;Flick in blob, a wig a wang jang blang; I mean, pop music, if it is, puh-tuh, hmmm, I mean cleeto, please, clang, you know.&quot;

===[[w:Kenan Thompson|Kenan Thompson]]===
:'''Superdude:''' &quot;I'm Superdude, teenage superhero with powers that amaze the stupid.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Superdude:''' &quot;I'm Superdude, the teenage superhero with powers that make women sweat!&quot;
:'''Sweaty Woman ''[Denberg]'':''' &quot;It's true!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Superdude:''' &quot;I'm Superdude, the teenage superhero with powers that can make hamsters dance!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Superdude:''' &quot;I'm Superdude, the teenage superhero who's always in the right place at the right time!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Superdude''': ''[usually after his intro]'' &quot;I also enjoy...fluffy stuffed animals, and...soft kisses, and...chatting on the phone long-distance.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Nasty Nancy''': &quot;You'd be nasty, too, iffin' you was a cowboy named...'Nancy'.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mavis:''' &quot;Hey, Clavis, wake up; the show is over.&quot;
:'''Clavis ''[Mitchell]'':''' &quot;Oh, yeah; kick it!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Miss Piddlin:''' &quot;Miss Piddlin almost let her bad temper and delicate mental conditions get the better of her!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Miss Piddlin:''' &quot;Taste the peas!  C'mon, little angel!  Tell Miss Piddlin whatcha think of the peas!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Miss Piddlin:''' &quot;Careful, Miss Piddlin, don't lose your pea cool.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Miss Piddlin:''' &quot;JULIO!!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Miss Piddlin:''' &quot;Well, if you don't wanna eat peas, don't eat nothin' at all!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Miss Piddlin:''' &quot;Miss Piddlin is back--with her special salad.  I like to call it...peas!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spice Cube ''[formerly Burt Spice]'':''' ''[rapping]'' &quot;''Fuzzy little bunny, all cute and sweet; cuddly little rabbit, come play with me!  Your ears are floppy, and your whiskers, they bend!  You're so cute and fuzzy; won't you be my friend?  Booooy!''&quot; 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spice Boys fan ''[Leon Frierson]'':''' &quot;Will you guys sign my Spice Boy dolls for me?  I got 'em all; they're so cool!&quot;
:'''Spice Cube:''' &quot;Oh, look how adorable your cute little dolls are!  Of course we can sign your dolls...I mean, uh, they--they look real tough, ya know what I'm sayin'?  Punks?  Punks!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Other character ''[Saul]'':''' &quot;Yeah, my question is for ''Burt'' Spice. Um, Burt...what's with your name?&quot;
:'''Burt Spice:''' &quot;What do--what do you mean?&quot;
:'''Other character ''[Saul]'':''' &quot;Well, you know, uh, Hairy Spice is hairy, and Dead Spice is, well, not living.&quot;
:''(Dead Spice is a skeleton.)''
:'''Other character ''[Saul]'':''' &quot;You're just ''Burt'' Spice; now, don't you think that's kinda lame?&quot;
:'''Burt Spice:''' &quot;Well, uh...no; the Spice Boys, we're all about music and boy power and friction.  Trust me, nobody cares about my ''name''.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Ishboo is a phony foreign exchange student.]''
:'''Other character ''[Denberg]'':''' &quot;Ishboo...where ''are'' you ''from''?&quot;
:'''Ishboo:''' &quot;Thank you for asking!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ishboo:''' ''[to the security guard]'' &quot;Look at my swinging jewel. When I snap my fingers you will leave quietly.&quot; ''(Security guard falls asleep.)''
:'''Ishboo''': &quot;Oh, well; close enough.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ishboo:''' ''(to Dr. Prober [Mitchell])'' &quot;Look at my swinging jewel. When I snap my fingers you will put the needle down and walk out the door.&quot; 
:''(Dr. Prober slams the needle down, sits on it, and yells, slamming everything down and running out of the door.)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ishboo:''' &quot;In my foreign land, it is only proper that the guests sleep in the bed, and that ''you'' sleep on the ''floor''!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kay ''[Bates]'':''' ''[She and Ishboo are on a date, and she has just watched him dance]'' &quot;Oh, Ishboo, where did you learn to dance like that?  In your foreign land?&quot;
:'''Ishboo:''' &quot;Yes; when I was a small Ishboo, I accidentally sat on a hot stove.  The excruciating butt pain taught me how to wiggle myself!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bill Cosby:''' &quot;Eat at least one gallon of yellow pudding every day.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''(As a result of Angelique Bates's departure from ''All That'', Mandy is no longer on the ''Cooking With Randy &amp; Mandy'' sketch.)
:'''Randy:''' &quot;Well, we all know how much Mandy loved chocolate.  Unfortunately, during a recent chocolatey-wild weekend, Mandy lost her mind and consumed 479 pounds of pure milk chocolate.  Last I heard, Mandy was locked away in a chocolate rehabilitation facility.  We wish her well.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Randy:''' ''[after tasting his dish, 'Burrito Surprise'--a chocolate-covered burrito]'' &quot;That makes me wanna sing!&quot; ''[singing to the tune of 'La Cucaracha']'' &quot;''La chocolata, la chocolata''...all right!  Now, the next dish that I have prepared for you is called 'chocolate on top of chocolate, smothered in chocolate'.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Antoine:''' &quot;What it is.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bradley the Big Ol' Baby:''' &quot;Three pounds of applesauce.  Bradley want three pounds of applesauce.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Milton Querie ''[host of Family Vs. Family]'':''' &quot;Now, our categories are...movies...famous forks...trousers...and things that go 'moo'.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry Futile:''' &quot;Question number 5...blippity-blippity-booty-loo, blippity-blippity-moo.&quot;
:'''Antoine:''' &quot;Wait, did you just say 'blippity-blippity-booty-loo, blippity-blippity-moo'?&quot;
:'''Jerry Futile:''' &quot;That is correct; now, what is your answer?&quot;
:'''Antoine:''' &quot;Uh...meatloaf?&quot;
:'''Megan ''[Bynes]'':''' &quot;74!&quot;
:'''Shelley ''[Reyes]'':''' &quot;Is it a...kangaroo?&quot;
:''[The buzzer sounds.]''
:'''Jerry Futile:''' &quot;Ooooo, WRONG!  I'm sorry; the answer was 'meatloaf.'&quot;
:'''Antoine:''' &quot;But, I ''said'' 'meatloaf'! Didn't y'all hear Antoine say 'meatloaf'?!&quot;
:'''Shelley:''' &quot;Yup, he said 'meatloaf'.&quot;
:'''Jerry Futile:''' &quot;But, I didn't hear him. Sorry.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Coldfinger:''' &quot;Look at my finger! It is ''so'' cold!  Feel it!  C'mon, feel how cold it is!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Principal Pimpell:''' &quot;As principal of Dullmont Junior High School, Principal William...Baines...Pimpell!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Principal Pimpell''': ''[while teaching the &quot;gifted&quot; class]'' &quot;Now, these little black 'squiggles' are symbols called 'letters'.  Now, now, together, these letters form visual representations of ''words'', like, for example, let me see...'coconut'!  'Coconut' is a word.  Can anybody say, 'coconut'?&quot;
:'''Student ''[Denberg]'':''' &quot;C-C-C-''scissors''?&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Principal Pimpell:''' ''[singing to the tune of ''Dry Bones'']'' &quot;''The finger bone's connected to the...shin bone!  The shin bone's connected to the...brain bone!&quot;''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Officer Ulcer ''[of the U. S. S. Spaceship]'':''' &quot;Aw!  ''Nobody'' stops ''my'' engines cold!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Lester Oaks, Construction Worker:''' &quot;My name is Lester Oaks, Construction Worker!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[appeared in the All That Tenth Anniversary Special Good Burger sketch]''
:'''Lester Oaks, Construction Worker''': Crunch bunny!
====Everyday French With Pierre Escargot====
:''[Each of these is the &quot;translation&quot; of a French phrase.]''
*There are small children in my nose.
*May I blow my nose in your sandwich?
*I want to shave your back.
*My father's name is Stephanie.
*You look like Stephanie, but you smell like Robert.
*I'm sorry; I thought that was ''my'' pocket.
*What time is it, and why do you smell like cheese?
*Why is your butt talking?
*''(after speaking an unusually long French phrase in which he mentions actor/singer Patrick Swayze [1952-2009])'' How are you?
*Hey! Who put that bacon fat on my toilet seat?
*Who are you, and why are you wearing my Daddy's panties?
*I'm from Minnesota, and my name is ''Winnifred''!
*Thanks for buttering my squirrel.
*I thought you said this was pudding!
*Who broke the pickle pump?
*Kiss me! Squeeze me! Call me &quot;Mrs. Beasley&quot;!
*Oh no! The babysitter exploded!
*Monkeys are tickling my tummy.
*May I take a nap in your nose?
*I have not showered in 36 days!
*Kiss me under the baloney tree!
*Take those pork chops out of your brassiere!
*Hey! Stop licking my kangaroo!
*I enjoyed meeting your sister in prison!
*I'm a pretty little girl.
*May I pop my pimple on your lasagna?
*Excuse me! I am not a drinking fountain!
*Wow! How did you get an onion in there?
*Pardon me, but this tissue has already been used.
*Thanks for the lovely used tissue!
*Please remove your banjo from my belly button.
*Oh, no! The macaroni is infected!
*I told you I had gas.
*Merry Christmas! May I get you a cup of hot fat?
*That's not an elf, that's my grandmother!
*Hey! Look what the reindeer left on my roof!
*That's not bubblegum! That's Porkboy the Breakfast Monkey!
*Keep your hands off my chicken nuggets!
*Mmmm!  This men's room smells wonderful.
*Who said you could live in my toilet?
*Your grandfather looks pretty in that wedding dress.
*This looks like mustard, but it tastes like ''you''!
*Oh, no!  It shrunk!
*Where is the library and why is your nose filled with ointment?
*Your wallpaper is making my eyebrows explode.
*You look different.  Did you brush your nose hair?
*Don't cry.  It's only a rectangle.

===[[w:Kel Mitchell|Kel Mitchell]]===
:'''Ed:''' &quot;Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger; can I take your order?&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ed:''' &quot;Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger.  Is there anything in my nose?&quot;
:'''Customer ''[guest star Tracy Lynn Sullivan]'':''' &quot;I don't ''know''.&quot;
:''(She leaves in disgust.)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ed:''' ''[singing]'' &quot;''I'm a dude, he's a dude, she's a dude, 'cause we're all dudes, hey!''&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ed:''' &quot;Uhhh...no?&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ed:''' &quot;That'll be eight bucks.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Customer ''[Server]'':''' &quot;Hi, I'd like a Good Punch.&quot;
:'''Ed:''' &quot;Okay.&quot; ''[Ed punches the customer in the face, KO-ing him.]''
:''[The customer awakens a few minutes later.]''
:'''Customer:''' &quot;Why did you hit me? All I did was ask for a Good Punch!&quot; ''[Ed knocks him out again.]''
:''[The customer wakes up again.]''
:'''Customer:''' &quot;Okay, I think I've got it now. I keep asking for a Good Punch, and you keep hitting me repeatedly, with that in mind. I would like to order one Good ''Soda''.  That is S-O-...D-A...soda.&quot;
:'''Ed:''' &quot;One Good Soda.&quot;
:'''Customer:''' &quot;Right.&quot; ''[Ed punches him out again.]''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pizzaface:''' &quot;Hey!  Don't bag on Walter like that!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pizzaface:''' &quot;I'm Pizzaface...Walter's friend.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Okrah:''' &quot;Today on the Okrah show, you'll be entertained by other people's tragic lives.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Lump Maroon:''' ''[only dialogue]'' &quot;Jupiterrrrrrrrr!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''(Lump and his brother Emily and sister Chuck [Reyes] have knocked down their neighbor [Thompson], who has returned Emily's missing trousers.)''
:'''Emily Maroon:''' &quot;We knocked down Grandma!&quot;
:'''Neighbor:''' &quot;Look!  I ain't your Grandma!  All right?!  I'm not related to you Maroons in any way!&quot;
:'''Lump Maroon''': &quot;Jupiter.&quot;
:'''Neighbor:''' ''[pointing to Lump]'' &quot;Especially ''him''!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''(Mavis [Thompson] and Clavis [Mitchell] are sitting in the audience, while laughing at one of Bynes's and Server's &quot;Squash Boy&quot; sketches.)''
:'''Clavis:''' &quot;Ya hear that, Mavis?  They're callin' for somebody named 'SQUASH BOY'!&quot;
:'''Mavis:''' &quot;Yeah...''that's'' funny!  Never heard of a boy...made entirely outta squash...''before''!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Baggin' Saggin' Barry ''[Thompson]'':''' &quot;I thought I had the biggest, baggiest pants in the world...then I met Baggin' Saggin' ''Mary''.&quot;
:''(Earlier, the other students at Dullmont Jr. High School had asked Baggin' Saggin' Barry and Baggin' Saggin' Mary [Reyes] to pull various objects out of their pants; one of the things was a white TV set with red polka-dots.  Mary also had a remote control, but Barry didn't.  Before that, one of the students [Denberg] had requested pumpkin juice, and Barry had only a pumpkin to give her.  Mary, however, ''did'' have a can of pumpkin juice, and she was sure that her trousers could hold more things than his could.)''
:'''Clavis:''' &quot;You've been blessed with magic trousers.  Use your gift.  You just gotta reach deep down in your pants...and pull out things you never knew you had.  Reach down deep.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Coach Kreeton:''' &quot;Oh, the life I live is sad!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Coach Kreeton:''' &quot;No...no...NO! ''Don't dance like a buncha crazy dancin' people''! This is ''volleyball'', not one of them rock'n'roll videos with the...hoodlum music!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Coach Kreeton:''' &quot;Aww, my happiness is a memory!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Coach Kreeton:''' &quot;Hehe! Hehe! Hehe! Goooood...&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Coach Kreeton:''' &quot;Why must you upset me in ways I can't understand?&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Coach Kreeton:''' &quot;I demand to see your hall, pass, ticket, slip!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Coach Kreeton:''' &quot;All right; now, tell me what's in your book...pack...bag...sack!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''(Principal Pimpell has called a meeting with Miss Fingerly [Denberg], Tandy Spork [Server], Mr. Treble [Zack McLemore], Coach Kreeton [Mitchell], and Janitor Gaseous [Tamberelli], to find someone to fill in as principal of Dullmont Jr. High School for him while he is away, having his pimple removed.)''
:'''Coach Kreeton:''' &quot;Oh, yeah; celebrate!  Celebrate!  It's about ''time'' ya popped that pimple!  Oh, every time I look at it, it makes me think of the ''Moon''!  Oh, I'm so happy!  The only thing worser than that ol' crazy-lookin' pimple...is my sad...miserable life.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butter Boy:''' &quot;Superdude, why don't you rub up against me?&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Alan:''' &quot;Welcome to Cereal Critics, with Alan and Allen.  I'm Alan, A-L-A-N.&quot;
:'''Allen ''[Server]'':''' &quot;And I'm Allen, A-double L-E-N.&quot;
:'''Alan:''' &quot;This morning, we're talking about...what else?&quot;
:'''Both ''[in unison]'':''' &quot;CEREAL!&quot;
:'''Alan:''' &quot;The first cereal on our list is...Lucky Germs.  I think we have a clue.  Let's take a look.&quot;
:''[A video of them eating Lucky Germs cereal is shown.]
:'''Allen:''' &quot;I found Lucky Germs good-tasting and fun; even ''whimsical'', if you will.&quot;
:'''Alan:''' &quot;I ''won't''. I started out skeptical because of their scary jingle...♪''Frosted Lucky Germs'', ''they're tragically contagious''♪...what's with that?&quot;
:'''Allen:''' &quot;Heh-''lo'', the jingle's a joke. If I lent you five bucks, would you ''buy'' yourself a sense of humor?&quot;
:'''Alan:''' &quot;No, but I'd buy some...''antacid''. I'm still gassy.&quot;
:'''Allen:''' &quot;Thank you, Mr. Cranky Colon. Well, anyway, I say, 'spoons up'.&quot;
:'''Alan:''' ''[makes a buzzer noise]'' &quot;The correct response is, 'spoons down'.&quot;  
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Repairman has just dropped through the ceiling, making a mess.]''
:'''[Other character]:''' &quot;What was that?&quot;
:'''Repairman:''' &quot;That was me! I'm...Repairmanman-man-man-man-man!&quot;
:'''[Other character]:''' &quot;What's with the echo?&quot;
:'''Repairman:''' &quot;Echo my butt!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[Other character]:''' &quot;What's with the echo?&quot;
:'''Repairman:''' &quot;Echo schmecho!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[Other character]:''' &quot;What's with the echo?&quot;
:'''Repairman:''' &quot;Go away!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Repairman:''' ''[noticing that a family's lamp is flickering]'' &quot;Looks like lamp trouble; I can fix that for ya jiffy-quick!&quot;
:'''Father ''[Kevin Kopelow]'':''' &quot;Please don't repair it.&quot;
:'''Repairman:''' &quot;But I must; I'm...Repairman-man-man-man-man-man!&quot;
:'''Mother ''[Denberg]'':''' &quot;He's being very gentle.&quot;
:''[Repairman &quot;repairs&quot; the lamp.]''
:'''Older daughter ''[Reyes]'':''' &quot;Daddy!  What is he ''doing''?!&quot;
:'''Repairman:''' &quot;That lamp won't be giving you any more trouble; I repaired it!&quot;
:'''Father:''' &quot;No.  No, you didn't.  You killed it.&quot;
:'''Younger daughter ''[Johnson]'':''' &quot;You squashed our helpless lamp!&quot;
:'''Repairman:''' &quot;It was nothing!&quot;
:'''Mother:''' &quot;It was horrible! You're a ''bad'' repairman!&quot;
:''[The rest of the family stares at her.]''
:'''Mother:''' &quot;...-man-man-man-man-''man''!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Commander Feeble ''[Server]'':''' ''[of Repairman's &quot;repairs&quot; to the U. S. S. Inferior space shuttle]'' &quot;LET'S GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE HE REPAIRS US ALL!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dr. Kay:''' &quot;All right, all right, it's the one, it's the only, but never lonely, Diggy-Diggy-Dr. Kay!  Hey, if you parents out there have any questions about your kids, make my telephone dance; let's go! Say 'Hey', to Diggy-Diggy-Dr. Kay!&quot;
:'''Man on the phone:''' &quot;Hey, uh, hey, Dr. Kay, listen, uh, I have a 9-year-old son, and, well, he keeps puttin' on his sister's clothes.  What do I do?&quot;
:'''Dr. Kay:''' &quot;Uh, puts on his sister's clothes.  Uh, what's the name?&quot;
:'''Man on the phone:''' &quot;Steven.&quot;
:'''Dr. Kay:''' &quot;Tell me, does Steven look good in a dress?&quot;
:'''Man on the phone:''' &quot;Yes, he does.&quot;
:'''Dr. Kay:''' &quot;A 9-year-old son, wears his sister's clothes...Dr. Kay's advice; call the boy 'Stephanie'!  Problem solved!&quot;
:''[He rings his gong with his slingshot.]''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dr. Prober:''' ''[during Ishboo's checkup]'' &quot;Let me just check your ears.  That's all right.&quot;
:''[He checks Ishboo's left ear, and sees Ren and Stimpy, from ''The Ren &amp; Stimpy Show''; they are screaming while blasting off into outer space.]''
:'''Dr. Prober:''' &quot;Oh!  Let me check the other one.&quot;
:'''Ishboo:''' &quot;Okey-dokey.&quot;
:''[He checks Ishboo's right ear, and sees a polar bear.]''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''(A boy named Jake Feta has just used a &quot;cheese fizz&quot;, and has thus been arrested by the Cheese Police.)''
:'''Jake Feta ''[Thompson]'':''' ''[to Officer Jack Colby, of the Cheese Police]'' &quot;But you said we were friends!&quot;
:'''Officer Jack Colby:''' &quot;Yeah, yeah, yeah.  And I once said I was Dorothy from ''The Wizard Of Oz''.  But ya don't see Toto...do ya?&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Officer Jack Colby:''' &quot;Man.  If it isn't one cheese, it's another other!  It's another other!  I'm...on my way!&quot;

===[[w:Lori Beth Denberg|Lori Beth Denberg]]===
:'''Herself ''[on Vital Information]'':

*&quot;If your face looks like a fig, and it's your birthday...then happy birthday, fig face!&quot;

:''[The audience laughs.]''

:&quot;Thank you.&quot;

*&quot;Mirror, mirror, on the wall...LOOK AT ME; I'M A PERSON TALKIN' TO A PIECE OF GLASS!&quot;

*&quot;If you're lucky enough to have a hammer...please...don't hammer in the mornin'.&quot;

*&quot;When it rains, it pours.  When it snows...it's ''cold''.&quot;

*&quot;If you're on TV, giving out vital information, and your phone rings...don't answer it.&quot;

*&quot;It's not...'okay' to eat breakfast cereal out of your underpants.&quot;

*&quot;If you're on a first date with someone, never stick your finger in their spaghetti, twirl it, and holler, 'Looky, date; I'm makin' s'ghetti circles!'&quot;

*&quot;''Twinkle, twinkle, little star; how I wonder''...how in the world that ''song'' ever became so ''popular''.&quot;

*&quot;There's no ''real reason'' to play basketball naked.&quot;

*&quot;Never spit on someone and then say, 'That's what spit feels like'.&quot;

*&quot;If you're drinking apple juice, and it feels warm...odds are, that ain't apple juice.&quot;

*&quot;If your friend's Mom asks you what you'd like to drink, don't say, 'Oh, nothin'.  My mouth's fulla '''spit''''.&quot;

*&quot;The early bird gets the worm. Fine! I don't ''want'' the worm!&quot;

*&quot;''Never'' put underwear on your head, and say to people, 'I'm little Nancy, and this my ''pretty'' new hat.&quot;

*&quot;It is better to sit there and ''look'' stupid...than it is to stand up, open your mouth, and announce, 'HEY, I'M ''DEFINITELY'' STUPID!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Miss Fingerly:''' &quot;The classroom is no place to exchange ideas and information!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Miss Fingerly:''' &quot;The classroom is no place for research.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Miss Fingerly:''' &quot;The classroom is no place for enjoying yourself.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Miss Fingerly:''' &quot;Good afternoon, students. I trust you all enjoyed lunch. I ''myself'' consumed a ''tasty'' chicken pot pie. Teachers love chicken pie...''cock-a-doodle-pie''!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Loud Librarian:''' &quot;QUIET! THIS IS A LIBRARY!&quot; ''(blows airhorn)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Herself:''' &quot;I want a rhinoceros...carved out of pure gold!&quot;*
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Santa Claus:''' &quot;So, Lori Beth, have you been a good girl this year?&quot;
:'''Lori Beth:''' &quot;Hmmm, no.&quot;
:'''Santa Claus:''' &quot;Bye-bye!&quot;
:'''Lori Beth:''' &quot;Seeya, Santa.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sweaty Woman:''' &quot;You two couldn't be more wrong!  It's Superdude!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Miss Fingerly:''' &quot;The classroom is no place for hiney-slappin'!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Loud Librarian:''' &quot;Noisy!  I thought I told you no talking!  You talk, you walk!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Loud Librarian:''' &quot;SILENCE! QUIET! STIFLE! HUSH! SHHH!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Loud Librarian:''' &quot;SILENCE! NEVER ENTER THIS LIBRARY AGAIN!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Loud Librarian:''' ''[after closing the door and ringing the bell that she has recently put on it]'' &quot;HUSH, BELL! THIS IS A LIBRARY, NOT A RINGAMERRARIUM!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Miss Fingerly:''' &quot;SILENCE!  THIS IS A LIBRARY!  NOT A SNEEZE HALL!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Loud Librarian:''' &quot;QUIET! THIS IS A LIBRARY! NOT A TALKATORIUM!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Loud Librarian:''' &quot;I SAID 'SHUSH'!  CAN'T YOU HEAR MY WORDS?!&quot;
:'''Other character ''[Knowings]'':''' &quot;You are not a very good librarian.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Loud Librarian:''' &quot;EVERYONE, QUIET!  YOU SQUEAK...I FREAK!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Other character [Bynes]:''' &quot;I'm sorry.  I thought this was the library--&quot;
:'''Loud Librarian:''' &quot;WRONG!  THIS IS THE ''LIBRARY'', AND THAT MEANS NO NOISE!  WHAT KIND OF LUNATIC ARE YOU?!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Connie Muldoon:''' &quot;I was never ''in'' my car!  We Muldoons don't believe in motor vehicles!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Herself:''' ''[singing]'' &quot;''I'm so proud of my new bunny; he wiggles his nose, and eats my honey; he tickles my toes, I tickle his tummy; and that's why I'm so proud.  Proud, proud, proud; bunny, bunny, bunny...''&quot;

===[[w:Katrina Johnson|Katrina Johnson]]===
:''(Susie, from a form of the Girl Scouts known as the Little Pansies, who wear pink uniforms, is trying to sell her cookies to a man named Bernie [Mitchell] and his wife [Bates]; she has just climbed in through their window after Bernie rejected her at the front door.)''
:'''Susie:''' &quot;Okay, here is the deal; buy 30 boxes of Fudgy Clots, and I'll knock of 3%!&quot;
:''(Each box of Little Pansy cookies costs $5; this would cost $145.50 altogether.)''
:'''Bernie:''' &quot;What do you think you're doin'?&quot;
:'''Susie:''' &quot;Selling Little Pansy cookies! Haven't I made that clear?&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bernie's wife:''' &quot;Times sure have changed; when I was young, we were never pushy Pansies.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Susie:''' &quot;Did I mention that Lulu Creams are made with real synthetic nougat?&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ross Perot:''' Did you know I'm freakishly rich?  I mean, I got over $4 billion.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Perot:''' ''[looks hungrily at Pizzaface]'' How can I concentrate with that dee-licious pizza starin' at me?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Perot:''' Look at me, I'm in a bathtub full of money.  I'm a sawed-off freak, takin' a $4 billion jacuzzi!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dorothy:''' What about me, Mr. Cosby?  What about my shower?
:'''Cosby ''[Thompson]'':''' Well, you see, Dorothy, a shower is like a box of peanuts that you sit on with your wife Camille.  And the grapefruit, and the avocados, and the little children running around in the neighborhood. Purty, purty, purty.  Purty, purty, purty. And then, your big toe swells up in your underpants.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Lemonade Scammer:''' ''[after giving a customer free but spicy peanuts]'' &quot;Those peanuts were soaked overnight in jalapeño pepper juice. I call 'em 'jalapeanuts'. Is that cute, or what?&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Lemonade Scammer:''' ''[to a customer]'' &quot;Thirsty?&quot;
:'''Customer ''[Server]'':''' &quot;Lemonade, please.&quot;
:'''Lemonade Scammer:''' &quot;Five bucks.&quot;
:'''Customer:''' &quot;Five bucks?  That's a lot of money.&quot;
:'''Lemonade Scammer:''' &quot;Well, you seem a lot of thirsty.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Lemonade Scammer:''' ''[crying, while holding an audience member's puppy]'' &quot;My Mom said, if I don't sell enough lemonade, she'll sell my puppy!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Lemonade Scammer:''' ''[crying]'' &quot;I went to all the trouble to find your golf ball, and you won't even buy any lemonade!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[someone has asked about lactose-intolerant; Johnson's character appears from inside of a grocery display]''
:'''Sally:''' Superdude is lactose-intolerant. That means he can be harmed by dairy products.
:'''Woman:''' You mean like ham?
:'''Sally:''' No. Ham is meat. Dairy products include milk, butter, cream, cheese, cream cheese, and...
:'''YoGurl''': Yogurt!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sally:''' I've got a squeegee!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sally:''' You're the best, Superdude, even if you ''are'' lactose-intolerant.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

===[[w:Alisa Reyes|Alisa Reyes]]===
:''[Kiki and Fran are stranded on an uncharted island.]''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Fran ''[Denberg]'':''' &quot;Kiki, we've been on this island for three years...&quot;
:'''Kiki:''' ''[singsong]'' &quot;''Three years, two months, one wee-eek!''&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kiki:''' ''[singing]'' &quot;Fran's here, and I'm here, and you're here, and you're gonna be heeeeeere...forrrrrever-&quot;
:'''Fran ''[Denberg]'':''' &quot;Stop it.&quot;
:'''Kiki:''' &quot;--and ever--&quot;
:'''Fran:''' &quot;Stop it!&quot;
:'''Kiki:''' &quot;--and ever--&quot;
:'''Fran:''' &quot;STOP IT!&quot;
:'''Kiki:''' &quot;--and ever--&quot;
:''[Fran knocks herself out.]'' 
:'''Kiki:''' &quot;--and ever....&quot;

===[[w:Angelique Bates|Angelique Bates]]===
:'''Mandy:''' &quot;Mmmm; the chocolate does wonders for the nails.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Mandy:''' &quot;Looks like it's raining chocolate syrup.  And...can it be snowing chocolate sprinkles?&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Penny Lane:''' ''[to Superdude]'' &quot;No, the milk will harm you!  You're lactose-intolerant!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jaleel White ''[as Steve Urkel]'':''' &quot;Surprise! Ha-ha, did I do thaaaaaat?&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

===[[w:Amanda Bynes|Amanda Bynes]]===
:'''Ashley:''' ''[starts to read a letter]'' &quot;Dear Ashley...&quot; That's me!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Springs:''' ''[sings]'' I'm a teeny-weeny bopper-beany, I'm so nice and he's so meany!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Alien Thumtax has just fired on the U. S. S. Spaceship, which is helmed by 10-year-old Captain Tantrum]''
:'''Captain Tantrum:''' ''[wails]'' &quot;You hurt my spaceship! WAAAAAAAAH!&quot;
:'''Officer Canker ''[Server]'':''' &quot;Oh, nice goin', Thumtax! You made our little captain cry!&quot;
:'''Captain Tantrum:''' &quot;You, you fired lasers at me, and I'm just a little girl!&quot;
:'''Thumtax ''[Denberg]'':''' &quot;I--I'm sorry.  How was I supposed to know that your captain was a little girl?  I'm sorry, lil' Cap'n. I didn't mean to harm your ship; I--what can I do to make you feel better, sweetie?&quot;
:'''Captain Tantrum:''' ''[sniffles]'' &quot;Lower your shields.&quot;
:'''Thumtax:''' &quot;But, I--&quot;
:'''Captain Tantrum:''' ''[wails]'' &quot;WAAAAAAAAAH!&quot;
:'''Thumtax:''' &quot;All right.  Lower shields.&quot;
:'''One of Thumtax's minions:''' &quot;Shields down.&quot;
:'''Thumtax:''' ''[to Captain Tantrum]'' &quot;All right, dear; our shields are down.  Is that better?&quot;
:'''Captain Tantrum:''' &quot;I guess so.&quot;
:'''Captain Tantrum:''' ''[to Singo and Officer Canker]'' &quot;FIRE MAIN LASERS!&quot;
:'''Singo ''[Mitchell]'':''' ''[sings]'' &quot;Firin' lasers!&quot;
:''[He and Officer Canker fire the lasers at Thumtax's ship.]''
:'''Thumtax:''' ''[screams, in the destruction of her ship]''
:'''Singo:''' ''[singing]'' &quot;Captain, that was brilliant; Captain, that was brilliant!&quot;
:'''Captain Tantrum:''' &quot;Status report, Officer Canker.&quot;
:'''Officer Canker:''' &quot;Alien ship dee-stroyed.&quot;
:'''Captain Tantrum:''' &quot;Excellent!  Take us out of here, Singo.  Heading 2614, mark 2.&quot;
:'''Officer Canker:''' &quot;But, but, Captain, we're supposed to be heading to Jupiter.  That mark will take us directly to some place called...Happy...''Toyland''...&quot;
:'''Captain Tantrum:''' &quot;Soooo?&quot;
:'''Singo:''' &quot;We don't have time to go to Happy Toyland...no...&quot;
:'''Captain Tantrum:''' &quot;BUT I WANNA GO TO HAPPY TOYLAND!  I WANNA GO TO HAPPY TOYLAND!...&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Captain Tantrum:''' &quot;Porkus II?!  That planet is entirely inhabited by...Pigginoids!&quot;
:'''Sosumi ''[Reyes]'':''' &quot;Pigginoids?! No! I was harmed and taunted by Pigginoids when I was a little girl!&quot;
:'''Captain Tantrum:''' ''[singsong]'' &quot;''No one cares...''&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Captain Tantrum:''' &quot;Hey! You aliens! This is Captain Tantrum, of the U. S. S. Spaceship! ♪Whatcha doin'?♪&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''(The U. S. S. Spaceship is under attack by an alien named Velcro, who is made of what his name indicates.)''
:'''Captain Tantrum:''' &quot;Who are ''you''?&quot;
:'''Velcro ''[guest star Kevin Carlson]'':''' &quot;I...am Velcro.  And I am angry.&quot;
:''(He removes his neutral mouth and replaces it with his angry mouth.)''
:'''Velcro:''' &quot;See?&quot;
:'''Captain Tantrum:''' &quot;All right, VELCRO! Why have you attacked us?!&quot;
:'''Velcro:''' &quot;I have issues!&quot;
:'''Captain Tantrum:''' &quot;Okay. But...will you please not attack us again?&quot;
:'''Lt. Fondue ''[Knowings]'':''' &quot;Oh, ''sure''!  You're all polite to ''him''...&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ashley:''' &quot;Our next letter comes from...Mary Schmid, of Butler, Pennsylvania.  Mary writes...'Dear Ashley'...thaaaat's me! 'Dear Ashley, for reason, people never pay any attention to me. No one seems to care about me, or anything that I have to say. How come everyone always ignores me?&quot;
:''[Ashley puts the letter down.]''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ashley:''' &quot;Our next letter comes from...Lisa Lillian, of Queens, New York. Lisa writes...'Dear Ashley'...thaaaat's me! 'Dear Ashley, my name is Lisa. I just bought a new sweater. It is green. Sincerely, Lisa.'&quot;
:''[long pause]''
:'''Ashley:''' &quot;WHO STINKIN' CARES?! This is called 'ASK Ashley'! Not 'BORE Ashley to Stinkin' Death'!&quot; 
:'''Ashley:''' ''[mocking]'' &quot;''Gee, I'm Lisa Lillian! And I just bought a new sweater! It is green! I'm a moron'', and blah-dee-blah-dee-blah-dee-blah-dee-BLAH!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''(Dr. Debbie is a cheerleading doctor.)''
:'''Dr. Debbie:''' &quot;Pain, pain, go away; come again...NEVER!&quot;

===[[w:Danny Tamberelli|Danny Tamberelli]]===
:'''Janitor Gaseous:''' &quot;Squat and rot!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jack Campbell:''' &quot;I'm gonna collect all this evidence...with my face!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jack Campbell:''' &quot;I'm Jack Campbell, Fat Cop!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Francis the Caveman:''' &quot;Me Francis, and I'm a caveman.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''(An alien named Crouton [Tamberelli] is attacking the U. S. S. Spaceship; he has the power to telepathically control the ship and its crew.)''
:'''Crouton:''' &quot;Now, surrender your ship.&quot;
:'''Captain Tantrum ''[Bynes]'':''' &quot;NEVER!&quot;
:'''Crouton:''' &quot;Then I will make you do more unpleasant things!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Singo ''[Mitchell]'':''' ''[singing]'' &quot;''Things aren't good...things are bad...Singo's feeling very sad...''&quot;
:'''Crouton ''[groaning]'':''' &quot;Stop it!&quot;
:'''Captain Tantrum:''' &quot;Did you ''see'' that?  Singo!  Sing something else!&quot;
:'''Singo:''' ''[singing]'' &quot;''Okay, Captain, have no fear; just tell me what you wanna hear!''&quot;
:'''Crouton ''[groaning]'':''' &quot;Stop the singing; it's ''killing me''!&quot;
:'''Officer Canker ''[Server]'':''' &quot;Wait a minute.  Whenever Singo sings...it harms Crouton!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hairy Spice:''' &quot;Sweaty, you better be careful around all this electrical equipment; I mean, you're just dripping in sweat.  And everybody knows that water and electricity...''don't mix''.&quot;

===[[w:Christy Knowings|Christy Knowings]]===
:'''Jessica:''' &quot;And, like, my name is Jessica; ''rrrr''!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Winter Wonders:''' &quot;I'm Winter Wonders, and this is the game show called ''What Do You Do?'', where our panel tries to figure out what some kid does.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Lt. Fondue ''[of the U. S. S. Spaceship]'':''' &quot;Captain! What is we gonna do?!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Lt. Fondue:''' &quot;Captain! I'm receivin' a trans-mishy-on from the alien ship that attack-ed-ed us!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Miss Piddlin ''[Thompson]'':''' &quot;I see you had my Julio bring in your carrots.&quot;
:'''Miss Toodle ''[Miss Piddlin's lunch lady rival]'':''' &quot;Uh-huh, 'cause ya know, children love them some carrots, more than anything.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''(It is Science Day at Dullmont Jr. High School, and none of the students except Tilly [Bynes] did a science project. Ms. Ernestine Klump, the teacher, chooses Jasper to go first.)''
:'''Jasper ''[Thompson]'':''' &quot;Um, this is a stick.&quot;
:''[He breaks the stick in half.]''
:'''Jasper:''' &quot;Now, it's two sticks.&quot;
:'''Ms. Klump:''' &quot;Oooo! Very good, Jasper! That science project will have ''many'' uses in the ''computer'' industry!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ms. Klump:''' &quot;Now, our next show and tell student is Thrack Morton.&quot;
:'''Thrack ''[Saul]'':''' &quot;Well, for show and tell today, I brought my new...instant juicer!  My Uncle Wayne gave it to me, for Nephew Day.&quot;
:''(Thrack places his juicing machine on Ms. Klump's desk, and takes out a bowl containing several oranges and cups.)''
:'''Ms. Klump:''' &quot;Wow!  A juicer; well, that's terrific!  Now, what does it do?&quot;
:'''Thrack:''' &quot;Well, first, you put the fruit in on top, like this.&quot;
:''(He puts an orange into the juicer.)''
:'''Thrack:''' &quot;Then, you press the button.&quot;
:''(He does so, and the juice from the orange pours into the cup that he has placed near the spout.)''
:'''Thrack:''' &quot;And, voilà...juice!&quot;
:''(He hands the juice to one of the other students ''[Thompson]''.)''
:'''Thrack:''' &quot;Here, try some.&quot;
:'''Other student:''' ''[after tasting the orange juice]'' &quot;Mmmm!  It tastes like sunshine on a Saturday morning!&quot;

===[[w:Leon Frierson|Leon Frierson]]===
:'''Leroy:''' &quot;Hey; my name's Leroy.&quot;
:'''Fuzz ''[a blue puppet]'':''' &quot;And my name is ''Fuzz''!&quot;
:''[He laughs.]''
:'''Fuzz:''' &quot;How ya doin', Leroy?&quot;
:'''Leroy:''' &quot;Anyway, today we're here to talk about somethin' that irritates ''me''.  I'm talkin' about ''vegetables''.&quot;
:'''Fuzz:''' &quot;Leroy, did I just hear you say you don't like vegetables?&quot;
:'''Leroy:''' &quot;You wanna make somethin' of it?&quot;
:'''Fuzz:''' &quot;Well, gee; no...sorry.&quot;
:'''Leroy:''' &quot;I know.  Now, like I was sayin', before I was so ''rudely'' interrupted by the big-mouthed ''puppet''...&quot;
:''[He casts a sideways glance at Fuzz.]''
:'''Leroy:'''...vegetables are ''nasty''.&quot;
:'''Fuzz:''' &quot;But, Leroy, vegetables are good for you.  They're full of ''vitamins and happiness''!&quot;
:''[He laughs.]'' 
:'''Fuzz:''' &quot;And they ''taste'' great, too!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leroy:''' &quot;Fuzz, we're not done yet.  We should have a blow-dryer.&quot;
:'''Fuzz:''' &quot;A blow-dryer?  But that's not a blow-dryer; that's an industrial strength leaf-blower!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Fuzz:''' ''[singing]'' &quot;''Mi-mi-mi...oh, I like to scrub in the tub, 'cause I can play in the bubbles, and wash away my troubles; oh, bath-time sure is fun!''&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Fuzz:''' &quot;Kids gotta have a bedtime, so they get plenty of sleep!  Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep--&quot;
:'''Leroy:''' &quot;You on some kinda medical problem?!&quot;
:'''Fuzz:''' &quot;Yes.&quot;
:'''Leroy:''' &quot;It ''figures''.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Billy Fuco:''' &quot;I'M BILLY FUCO!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[There has been a long arguement over which Cloudy Knight singer should be top-billed.]''
:'''C.J.:''' &quot;Have y'all caught the midnight train to ''Georgia''? Now, I'm the cutest, and I got the biggest afro, so we will continue to be called...'C.J. and the Cloudy Knights.'&quot;

===[[w:Nick Cannon|Nick Cannon]]===
:'''LaTanya:''' &quot;Okaaaaay!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''LaTanya:''' &quot;It's time to get our freak on!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Quik'N'Fast customer ''[Saul]'':''' &quot;Can I just buy these breath mints!&quot;
:'''LaTanya:''' &quot;Ugh! You ''need'' 'em, Mr. ''Garbage'' Mouth!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sweaty Spice:''' &quot;Boy Power!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sweaty Spice:''' &quot;Look, Burt; this just ain't workin'. ''Sorry''...&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

===[[w:Mark Saul|Mark Saul]]===
:'''Yearbook photographer ''[Server]'':''' &quot;That's him!  That's the little ''hooligan'' that tied me up and hid me under the ''desk''!&quot;
:'''Stuart:''' &quot;Fine, I'm not the real ''yearbook photographer''. I'm just a guy named Stuart. But you know something? If I was the real ''yearbook photographer'', I'd be the best ''yearbook photographer'' IN ALL THE LAND! People would come up to me and say 'Oh, Stuart, you're the best ''yearbook photographer''...EVER!!!!!' You all sicken me!! Now I'm going to get on my pterodactyl and go.  C'mon, Terence.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Stuart:''' ''[Pretends to take a student's picture with a life-sized replica of an iguana]'' &quot;That picture's gonna come out just great!&quot;
:'''Student ''[Bynes]'':''' &quot;But, that's not a camera; that's an iguana.&quot;
:'''Stuart:''' &quot;You can't prove that!&quot;
:'''Stuart ''[to the iguana]'':''' &quot;She doesn't know what she's talking about, Mr. Camera.&quot;
:'''Student ''[Bynes]'':''' &quot;Look, nut! ''This'' is a camera, and ''that's'' an iguana.&quot;
:'''Stuart:''' &quot;And I'm a goat.&quot; 
:''[He bleats like a goat, and eats a handful of grass.]''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hypno-Pants:''' &quot;Stare into my butt!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Murray:''' &quot;Hey! Could you--hey! Could you bring me--hey! Could you bring me a balloon?&quot;

===Other===

:''[The show opening]''
:'''Announcer ''[Soup]'':''' &quot;Fresh out the box! Stop, look, &amp; watch! Ready yet? Get set! It's All That!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Peter and Flem are performing the actions as narrated]''
:'''Announcer:''' &quot;Peter sharpens pencils the old-fashioned way. Flem sharpens pencils in different parts of his body.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Announcer:''' &quot;Peter exercises every day. He runs over five miles. Flem runs from the police.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Announcer:''' &quot;Peter does his homework making sure he gets all the answers right. Flem hits things with a hammer.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Announcer:''' &quot;After dinner, Peter enjoys a fresh piece of fruit for dessert, like an apple.  Flem eats a bag of sugar.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Announcer:''' &quot;Peter makes excuses to go to the restroom.  Flem's going to the restroom right now.&quot;
:''[Flem is not in his restroom.]'' 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Announcer:''' &quot;Peter turns off his TV set using a remote control.  Flem uses a brick.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Announcer:''' &quot;Peter always brushes his teeth before going to bed.  Flem brushes his hobo.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Announcer:''' &quot;Peter likes to grow nice plants and flowers.  Flem grows things under his arms.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Announcer:''' &quot;Peter likes to read.  Flem can't.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Announcer:''' &quot;Every day after school, Peter walks his dog, Fido.  Flem walks his grandmother.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Announcer:''' &quot;After doing his homework, Peter relaxes by watching public television.  Flem watches underwear.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Announcer:''' &quot;Peter uses his laptop computer to do his homework.  Flem smashes stolen coconuts.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kevin Kopelow|Kevin Kopelow]]:''' &quot;Five minutes! The show starts in five minutes!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kevin Kopelow|Kevin Kopelow]]:''' &quot;Listen up.  I'm just here to tell ya, that in ten minutes, the show will be startin' in ''five minutes''.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dan Schneider (producer)|Dan Schneider]]:''' &quot;Hiiiii, everyone! It's time for 'Ask Ashley'!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ed ''[Mitchell]'':''' Whoa!  We have a drive-through window!

:'''Mr. Bailey ''[Schneider]'':''' Ed, we've had a drive-through window for 3 years; it's right over there.

:''(He points the drive-through window out to Ed.)''

:'''Ed:''' Whoa!  How does the car fit through that little window over there?

:'''Mr. Bailey:''' It ''doesn't'', Ed!  The cars don't drive ''through'' the window; they drive ''past'' the window!

:'''Ed:''' Oh; well, why don't they call it a &quot;drive-pass&quot; window?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Mr. Bailey:''' ''[looks at a customer's winning ticket, which Ed claimed was for $5,000]'' &quot;Aw, for the love of decimals, Ed, this says he won ''50¢''! 50¢, not 5,000!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Mýa|Mýa Harrison]]:''' ''[Describing the perils of live television]'' &quot;...And if things go horribly wrong, we'll show this video clip of Rhineheart the Dancing Monkey-Boy.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Complaint Department lady ''[Lori Beth Denberg]'':''' ''[to a customer]'' Complaint Department.  Whatcha doin'?

:'''Customer ''[Tricia Dickson]'':''' ''[southern accent]'' Well, I have a ''complaint''...

:'''Complaint Department lady:''' Is...that your complaint?

:'''Customer:''' No.

:'''Complaint Department lady:''' If you have no complaint, I must ask you to go home.

:'''Customer:''' Well, I certainly ''do'' have a ''complaint''.

:'''Complaint Department lady:''' Well, ''make'' up your ''mind''!  Do you have a complaint?

:'''Customer:''' Yes; I bought this here mini vacuum cleaner. But I wanted a blue one, like on the box...and they gave me this here red one, surely by mistake.

:'''Complaint Department lady:''' Well, if I were you, I'd take it right back to the store where I bought it.

==Dialogue==

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Kevin:''' &quot;Everyone, I have a little surprise for you all!  Kenan?&quot;

:''[Kenan enters, carrying the Big Ear of Corn, who was feared to be terminally ill.  The other cast members are delighted, especially Lori Beth.]''

:'''Josh:''' &quot;It's the Big Ear of Corn!&quot;

:'''Angelique:''' &quot;So, what was wrong with the Corn?&quot;

:'''Kenan:''' &quot;Nothin'; it turns out that the Big Ear of Corn wasn't even sick at all!  Katrina?&quot;

:''[Katrina enters, pushing a perambulator containing the Big Ear of Corn's four new offspring, each of whom is at least twice the size of a standard ear of corn.]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''(Three new students--Maggot, Rash, and Spew, the members of the band Bacteria--have joined Miss Fingerly's class.)''

:'''Maggot ''[Server]'':''' ''[British accent]'' My name is Maggot!

:'''Rash ''[Reyes]'':''' I'm Rash!

:'''Spew ''[Thompson]'':''' They call me SPEW!

:'''Miss Fingerly ''[Denberg]'':''' All right.  Spew, Rash...Maggot.  Now, where are you children from?

:'''Student ''[Johnson]'':''' Miss Fingerly, don't you know who they are? 

:'''Student ''[Bates]'':''' Yeah!

:'''Student ''[Johnson]'':''' They're ''Bacteria''!

:'''Miss Fingerly:''' Now, let's not judge others by their appearance.

:'''Student ''[Mitchell]'':''' No; they're Bacteria, the hottest band around!

:'''Student ''[Johnson]'':''' Their CD, ''Raw Sewage'', just went Triple Platinum!

:'''Miss Fingerly:''' Oh, I see.  Well, perhaps you'd like to tell the class how your band ''got'' the name &quot;Bacteria&quot;!

:'''Maggot:''' Well, you see, our drummer, Spew, forgot to take a bath for 3½ years, and when we looked under his armpit, we found...

:'''Miss Fingerly:''' All right!  Let's all take our seats.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Treach, Kay Gee, and Vinnie, the members of the rap group Naughty By Nature, are in the library, practicing for their performance as the episode's musical guest)''

:'''Loud Librarian:''' Silence!  This is a ''liberry''!  Just who do you fellas think you are?!

:'''Kay Gee:''' We're Naughty By Nature.

:'''Loud Librarian:''' Oh, well; ''that's obvious''!

:'''Treach:''' No, no, no; we're the ''rap group'' Naughty By Nature.  This is Kay Gee, this is Vinnie, and I'm Treach, and we just came in--

:''(She blows her air horn)''

:'''Loud Librarian:''' Quiet!  This is a ''liberry''!  Now, look, Treach, Kay Gee, Vinnie?  I realize that you are all &quot;naughty&quot;, and that it is your &quot;nature&quot; to be so!  But if you wanna sing, you're not gonna do it in my liberry!

:''(She points to the stage)''

:'''Loud Librarian:''' You can sing over there!

:''(Naughty By Nature heads over to the stage)''

:'''Loud Librarian:''' ''(blows her whistle)'' Let's hear a round o' sound for...Naughty By Nature!

:''(She blows her air horn again; Naughty By Nature performs their hit &quot;Clap Yo Hands&quot;.)''


&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Rash has left Bacteria, and now Maggot and Spew are holding auditions for a new bass player.)''

:'''Maggot:''' Excuse me; before we start, can you even ''play'' the ''bass''?

:'''Waw ''[Tamberelli]'':''' WAAAAAAAW!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Amanda:''' Hey, everyone! Before the musical guest comes on, I wanted to show you my magic powers!&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Audience:''' Ooh, aah!&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Amanda:''' That's right! I'm going to turn these ice cubes into a glass of water!&lt;br/&gt;
:''(Puts the ice cubes into a glass; a few seconds go by)''&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Amanda:''' Hmmm. This trick usually takes a few hours. Hey, I know! I'll just turn this grapefruit into NSYNC instead! Alaka-ZAM!&lt;br/&gt;
:''(NSYNC appears)''&lt;br/&gt;
:'''JC Chasez:''' Where are we?&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Justin Timberlake:''' And why do we smell like grapefruit?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Josh is running on an unstoppable treadmill.]''
:'''Amanda''': Help! Help! I need help!
:'''Danny''': What's wrong?
:'''Amanda''': I need help.
:'''Danny''': Well, I'm right here.
:''[long pause]''
:'''Amanda''': Kenan! Kel! I NEED SOME HELP!!
:''[Kenan and Kel enter]''
:'''Kenan''': What's wrong? Was Danny bothering you?
:'''Kel''': Because we'll take care of him.
:'''Amanda''': No. It's Josh. He's stuck on the treadmill, and we can't make it stop!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''(At Good Burger, Mr. Bailey [Tim Goodwin; later played by Dan Schneider] has introduced Ed [Mitchell] to the new employee, Beth [Bates], who becomes Ed's love interest. She and Ed are lost in thought.)''
:'''Ed:''' ''(thinking)'' I'm lost in thought.
:'''Beth:''' ''(thinking)'' He seems lost in thought.
:'''Ed:''' She's so pretty, just like a...like, uh...like someone who's pretty.
:'''Beth:''' I hope he thinks I'm pretty.
:'''Ed:''' I do.
:'''Beth:''' He'd be the coolest boyfriend.
:'''Ed:''' Some vegetables...are green.
:'''Beth:''' I wonder if he'll call me, and ask me out on a date.
:'''Ed:''' I want to call her, and ask her out on a date, but I don't know how...
:''[short pause]''
:'''Ed:''' ...to use a phone.
:'''Beth:''' Ed, it's so easy, spell.
:'''Ed:''' My foot's cold.
:''[looks down]''
:'''Ed:''' Hey!  I'm missin' a shoe!
:''(Earlier, a customer [Johnson] had found and complained about a shoe in the strawberry milkshake that she had ordered; presumably, this was Ed's right shoe.  He had actually noticed it in the milkshake machine, but hadn't bothered to remove it.  This had made her &quot;confused...and ''angry''!&quot;.)''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''(Superdude has just dispatched two bullies in a bank and gone outside to tie them up. A little girl dressed as Superdude runs into the bank )''&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Fake Superdude ''[Amanda Bynes]'':''' NOBODY MOVE! This is a holdup!&lt;br/&gt;
:''(A security guard runs out screaming)''&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Weird-Voiced Man''': ...Superdude?&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Fake Superdude:''' That's right, I'm Superdude! Now gimme all the money--or I'll use my superpowers to harm you!&lt;br/&gt;
:''(The Sweaty Woman [Lori Beth Denberg] begins to empty the cash drawer as the real Superdude comes in)''&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Superdude ''[Kenan Thompson]'':''' Those bullies won't be bothering anyone anymore!...hey, who are you?&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Fake Superdude:''' I'm, uh...Superdude!&lt;br/&gt;
:''(Pause)''&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Superdude:''' Excuse me? &lt;br/&gt;
:'''The Sweaty Woman''': Quick! Grab the [[impostor]]! &lt;br/&gt;
:''(Before anyone can react, Fake Superdude rushes toward Superdude. The two spin around briefly, and end up facing the bank patrons.)''&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Weird-Voiced Man:''' Oh, no! Now we can't tell which one is the REAL Superdude! &lt;br/&gt;
:'''Black-Haired Woman:''' I'm totally confused! &lt;br/&gt;
:'''The Sweaty Woman:''' Talk about conflict! &lt;br/&gt;
:'''Penny Lane:''' Which one is the good Superdude, and which one is the bank-robbing ''evil twin''?&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Superdude:''' ...Y'all are kidding me, right? &lt;br/&gt;
:'''Fake Superdude:''' I'm the REAL Superdude! HE'S the IMPOSTOR! &lt;br/&gt;
:'''Superdude:''' ''I'm'' the ''real'' one! &lt;br/&gt;
:'''Weird-Voiced Man:''' I can't tell which is which! &lt;br/&gt;
:'''Penny Lane:''' What are we gonna DO?&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Superdude:''' What is WRONG with you people? LOOK AT US!&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Fake Superdude:''' He's evil, I tell ya! Evil. Evil!&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Superdude:''' Look, look. I'll prove to you that I'm the real Superdude, aight? &lt;br/&gt;
:''(He picks up a metal bar and twists it into a knot. The patrons applaud.)''&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Superdude:''' Now do you believe me?&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Blond Woman:''' He IS the real Superdude!&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Fake Superdude:''' Wait, wait! Watch this! &lt;br/&gt;
:''(She grabs a piece of paper and, after a brief struggle, tears it in half.)''&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Weird-Voiced Man:''' That one's got super strength, too! &lt;br/&gt;
:'''Superdude:''' WHAT? That ain't super! Oh, for heaven's sake, look--this is NOT the real Superdude! She's a little girl!&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Penny Lane:''' I've got an idea! Superdude is lactose intolerant!&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Superdude:''' You ain't got to go there.&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Weird-Voiced Man:''' Lactose intolerant...what's that?&lt;br/&gt;
:'''The Sweaty Woman:''' Lactose intolerant means that Superdude can't handle dairy products--such as cheese, whipped cream, and especially milk!&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Penny Lane:''' The Sweaty Woman's right! Does anybody have a pitcher of milk?&lt;br/&gt;
:''(The Sweaty Woman has pulled a large pitcher of milk from behind the desk and is drinking from it.)''&lt;br/&gt;
:'''The Sweaty Woman:''' ...I do!&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Penny Lane:''' Here's how we'll tell them both apart. I'll pour this milk on both of them, and then the real Superdude will be horribly damaged!&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Superdude:''' No, I don't think that that's such a good...&lt;br/&gt;
:''(Penny pours the milk over both of the Superdudes. Fake Superdude only screams, but Superdude falls to the ground.)''&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Superdude:''' A...E...I...O...&lt;br/&gt;
:'''The Sweaty Woman:''' SHE'S the impostor! &lt;br/&gt;
:'''Fake Superdude:''' The Sweaty Woman's right! &lt;br/&gt;
:'''The Sweaty Woman:''' I'M ON A ROLL!&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Fake Superdude:''' But it's too late! Now with Superdude out of the way, I'm free to take all the money! Then I'll POSE as Superdude, and commit crimes ALL OVER THE WORLD! AAAAHHH HAAA HAA HAA!&lt;br/&gt;
:''(She takes the sacks of money and heads for the door)''&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Weird-Voiced Man:''' Oh, somebody help Superdude! &lt;br/&gt;
:'''The Sweaty Woman:''' I've got a blow dryer! &lt;br/&gt;
:''(Penny takes the dryer and runs it over Superdude. Meanwhile, Fake Superdude stops to collect a toaster)''&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Fake Superdude:''' Almost forgot my free toaster! &lt;br/&gt;
:''(She takes it and goes toward the door)''&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Fake Superdude:''' Buh-bye...SUCKERS! &lt;br/&gt;
:''(Superdude is dry by now, and stands up.)''&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Superdude:''' HOLD IT, you evil bank-robbing impostor! You're not going anywhere! &lt;br/&gt;
:''(He turns around and sends magnetic rays out of his buttocks. They attract the metal in toaster, and Fake Superdude, who is still holding the toaster, is pulled back.)''&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Fake Superdude:''' What happened? &lt;br/&gt;
:'''Superdude:''' I stopped you by using my super magnetic force field from my super butt! You should've let go of the toaster, but you HAD to be greedy, didn't ya? &lt;br/&gt;
:''(Two police officers enter the bank)''&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Superdude:''' Aha! Officers, arrest this bank robbing person as my evil twin!&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Police Officer:''' Wow. We just came here to open new accounts and get our free toasters.&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Police Officer:''' Thanks a lot, Superdude! Wow--you two really look identical! &lt;br/&gt;
:''(They take Fake Superdude into custody.)''&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Fake Superdude:''' NO! NOO! I'LL BE BACK, SUPERDUDE!&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Penny Lane:''' I guess Evil Superdude picked the wrong day to rob a bank!&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Superdude:''' You are correct. What can I say-you ''twin'' some, and you lose some! &lt;br/&gt;
:''(The patrons break into loud, faked laughter.)''&lt;br/&gt;
:'''The Sweaty Woman:''' I don't get it!...HA HA HA HA HA!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''(Detective Dan [Josh Server] has ruined Helga's [Danny Tamberelli]'s wedding.''&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Helga:''' YOOOOUUU!! You have angered Helga! ''(grabs Dectective Dan by his trench coat)'' Now you must pay!&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Detective Dan:''' Don't mind if I do!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:''(How Randy and Mandy usually introduce their cooking sketch, ''Cooking With Randy &amp; Mandy''.)''

:'''Randy ''[Kenan Thompson]'':''' Hi!  I'm Randy!

:'''Mandy ''[Angelique Bates]'':''' And I'm Mandy!

:'''Randy and Mandy ''[in unison]'':''' And this is ''Cooking With''...

:'''Randy:''' ...''Randy''...

:'''Mandy:''' ...''and Mandy''!  Hi, Randy!

:'''Randy:''' Hi, Mandy!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mandy:''' Moms tend to overlook the benefits of chocolate.

:'''Randy:''' Mainly that it tastes very, very good.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mandy:''' Our next dish is ''nachos''.

:'''Randy:''' First, you place the chips in a microwaveable plate...

:'''Mandy:''' ...and then you add ''chocolate''.

:'''Randy:''' Chocolate ''bars''...

:'''Mandy:''' ...chocolate ''chips''...

:'''Randy:''' ...chocolate ''sprinkles''...

:'''Mandy:''' ...chocolate ''powder''...

:'''Randy:''' ...chocolate ''syrup''...

:'''Randy and Mandy ''[in unison]'':''' ...''any'' kind of chocolate, ''really''.

:'''Randy:''' Because once they mesh together, they become one harmonious chocolate holiday; a ''celebration'' of chocolate, if you will.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Square dance caller ''[guest star Tim Farmer]'':''' Choose your partner!  Do-si-do!  Swing your partner 'round and 'round; pick him up and throw him down!  Yee-ha!  Kick him in the side, kick him in the head; change his name from Bob to Ted!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''(The Island Girls are visited by Kiki's sister, Didi)''&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Didi ''[Johnson]'':''' Hello, hello!&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Kiki''': I wonder who that is?&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Fran''': Who cares? It's a person...it's a person that's ''not you''!&lt;br/&gt;
:''(She runs to Didi)''&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Fran''': Thank you, whoever you are! I'm rescued! I'm rescued! Finally--I'm rescued! Who are you?&lt;br/&gt;
:''(Didi removes her goggles)''&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Kiki''': Didi!&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Didi''': Kiki!&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Fran''': Kiki, who is this?&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Kiki''': This is my sister, Didi! Didi, this is my bestest friend, Fran!&lt;br/&gt;
:''(She hugs Fran, who looks terrified.)''&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Fran''': YOUR SISTER?!&lt;br/&gt;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Quik'N'Fast customer ''[Bynes]'':''' Excuse me, can I have change for a 20?

:'''LaTanya ''[Cannon]'':''' Oooo, of course you can, 'cause this ''is'' Quik'N'Fast, the ''bank''!

:'''LaNeesha ''[Thompson]'':''' ''[to LaTanya]'' Wait a minute, girl!  I thought this was Quik'N'Fast, the ''store''!

:'''LaTanya:''' Oooo; you is so right, LaNeesha!  I was wrong, you was right; I was wrong, you was right!  

:'''LaTanya:''' ''[to the customer]'' So I guess you gonna hafta buy somethin' to get your change, then!

:'''Quik'N'Fast customer:''' Okay, fine, I'll...take this pack of gum.

:'''LaTanya:''' And I give you your change!

:''(She pours a beach pailful of pennies onto the counter.)''

:'''LaTanya:''' 1...3...13...it's all here.

:'''Quik'N'Fast customer:''' Hey, I didn't want ''pennies''!

:'''LaNeesha:''' Oooo, Ms. Fussy was just '''beggin'''' for change, and now she don't want it!

:'''LaTanya:''' Maybe she should come back when she knows what she wants, okay?  Bye!


&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Miss Fingerly ''[Denberg]'':''' All right, class.  Today, we will be discussing popular music.  Now, who can tell me the name of the very first CD ever released by Boyz II Men?

:''(Harpo raises his hand.)''

:'''Miss Fingerly:''' All right, um...Harpo?

:'''Harpo ''[Thompson]'':''' Oh, yes!  Okay, all right, the very first CD by Boyz II Men was called &quot;II&quot;.

:'''Balthasar ''[Mitchell]'':''' Noooo...it's &quot;''Cooleyhighharmony''&quot;.

:'''Harpo:''' No!  You're wrong, man!  It was called &quot;''II''&quot;!

:'''Balthasar:''' &quot;''Cooleyhighharmony''&quot;!

:'''Harpo:''' &quot;''II''&quot;!

:'''Balthasar:''' &quot;''Cooleyhighharmony''&quot;!

:'''Harpo:''' &quot;''II''&quot;!

:'''Balthasar:''' Oh!  &quot;''Cooleyhighharmony''&quot;!

:'''Harpo:''' Oh!  I ''hate'' you!

:'''Balthasar:''' You make me ''sad''!

:'''Harpo:''' Okay; fine, Balthasar!  Okay; so, like, you think that Boyz II Men's first CD was called &quot;''Cooleyhighharmony''&quot;.  But ''I'' know who can settle this, man.

:''(Harpo goes to the door and opens it.)''

:'''Harpo:''' Chuh-''guh''!

:''(The members of the musical guest, Boyz II Men--Nathan Morris, Michael McCary, Wanya Morris, and Marc Nelson--enter the classroom.)''

:'''Harpo:''' Hey!  Boyz II Men!  Okay, men, Balthasar there says that your ''first'' CD was entitled &quot;Cooleyhighharmony&quot;, but ''I'' think that it was called &quot;''II''&quot;.  So, who's right?

:'''Marc Nelson:''' Well, Harpo, I hate to tell you this, but, um, Balthasar is right.  

:'''Wanya Morris:''' Yeah. Our first CD was called &quot;Cooleyhighharmony&quot;; the second one was entitled &quot;II&quot;.

:'''Nathan Morris:''' Yeah, I mean, if you think about it, you know, like, &quot;II&quot;...&quot;II&quot;, the second...second album.  

:'''Harpo:''' I feel so ''foolish''.


&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''(What the &quot;Whatever Girls&quot; usually say)''&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Gina''':Okay?&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Okay!&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Gina''': Okay!&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Okay!&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Both''': OKAY!!!&lt;br/&gt;

==Second Run (seasons 7-10)==
===[[w:Chelsea Brummet|Chelsea Brummet]]===
:'''Bridget:''' &quot;Hi!  I'm Bridget, and this is my...SLUMBER PARTY!&quot; 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Abby Rhodes:''' &quot;Like, okay, okay?&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mega Butt:''' &quot;Butt powers ACTIVATE!&quot;

===[[w:Jack DeSena|Jack DeSena]]===
:'''Slimon Bowel:''' &quot;I hate you all.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Randy Quench:''' &quot;Here comes me!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Randy Quench:''' &quot;I'm Randy Quench! Volunteer Fireman!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Carson Daly:''' &quot;I'm now bleeding from the ears! I hope you're happy!&quot;

===[[w:Lisa Foiles|Lisa Foiles]]===
:'''Claudia:''' &quot;When life gives me lemons, I suck them.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Claudia:''' &quot;I want to give you all an infection.&quot;
:'''Bridget ''[Brummet]'':''' &quot;Infect people ''later''!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Heather Darling:''' &quot;INCOMING!!!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Heather Darling:''' &quot;That's my name!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kaffy:''' &quot;MY HEART IS POUNDING LIKE A JACKHAMMER!&quot;

===[[w:Kyle Sullivan|Kyle Sullivan]]===
:'''Harry Bladder:''' &quot;Weenius nosium!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Sacco (Lyons) had enlarged Herhiney's (Foiles) buttocks.]''
:'''Harry Bladder:''' &quot;Look what you did to her heinie!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Brian Peafest''': &quot;Who will be the next American Idiot?&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Buzz:''' &quot;MY PULSE IS RACING FASTER THAN THE SPEED OF LIGHT!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ernie:''' &quot;Here comes the loopy-de-loop.&quot;

===[[w:Shane Lyons|Shane Lyons]]===
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Soupdude:''' &quot;''I'm'' not Superdude! I'm...''Soupdude''!&quot;

===[[w:Giovonnie Samuels|Giovonnie Samuels]]===
:'''Mandy Snackson:''' &quot;Dawg, you did your thing.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Driving Instructor:''' &quot;Don't be distracted by distractions!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dill:''' &quot;Once upon a time...there was this little puppy named Cuddles.  And then...Cuddles ate a huge banana split!&quot;

===[[w:Bryan Hearne|Bryan Hearne]]===
:'''Re-Ron:''' &quot;I'm Harry Bladder's precocious best friend!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Zigfried:''' &quot;KUMQUAT!...jerk.&quot;

===[[w:Jamie Lynn Spears|Jamie Lynn Spears]]===
:'''Thelma Stump:''' &quot;Got any bacon?...Bacon's goooood.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Carlee:'''&quot;I'm Carlee--&quot; 
:'''Marlee ''[Foiles]'':''' &quot;--and I'm Marlee--&quot; 
:'''Both ''[in unison]'':''' &quot;--and we've got a passion for trashin' fashion! Uh-huh!&quot;

===[[w:Christina Kirkman|Christina Kirkman]]===
:'''Cindy Lou Rougeneck:''' &quot;I want some babyback ribs!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sunshine Sally:''' &quot;So, go get the tacos.&quot;

===[[w:Kianna Underwood|Kianna Underwood]]===
:'''Kareena Jones:''' &quot;Sass-er-frass!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kareena Jones:''' &quot;No flapjacks for you TODAY!!&quot;

===[[w:Denzel Whitaker|Denzel Whitaker]]===
:'''Cupid:''' &quot;I don't like it now, and I didn't like it when I was a tall white guy!&quot; ''(the part had previously been played by Lyons)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jeff Bester:''' &quot;When it comes to safety, I know bester!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jeff Bester:''' &quot;Yo-yo's going crazy.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jeff Bester:''' &quot;Jeff Bester deems these crayons...UNSAFE!&quot;
:''(He makes a loud buzzer noise.)''

===Other===
:'''Lady in Shane's Mouth ''[Schneider]'':''' &quot;Don't live in a mouth!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Announcer ''[Brian Peck]'':''' &quot;Know your stars...know your stars...know your stars...&quot;

==Third Run (season 11)==
===[[:Kate Godfrey|Kate Godfrey]]===
:'''Marie Kiddo:''' ''(in a boys-only treehouse)'' &quot;Welcome back to ''Getting Rid Of Your Stuff''.  I'm your host, Marie Kiddo.  I help people decide what to keep, and what to get rid of.  Today, I'm here at this super-secret clubhouse for boys.&quot;
:''(The treehouse belongs to two friends, Chad and Randy, who are asleep in their hammocks.)''
:'''Marie Kiddo:''' &quot;HI, CHAD AND RANDY!&quot;
:''(Chad and Randy fall out of their hammocks.)''
:'''Chad ''(Ryan Alessi)'':''' &quot;Marie?  How'd ''you'' get in here?&quot;
:'''Randy ''(Lex Lumpkin)'':''' &quot;No girls allowed, Marie.&quot;
:''(Randy points to where it says &quot;Boys Only&quot; on one of the treehouse walls.)'' 
:'''Chad:''' &quot;Yeah; didn't you read the sign?&quot;
:'''Marie Kiddo:''' &quot;Yep.&quot;
:''(She notices some comic books of theirs, and picks them up.)'' 
:'''Marie Kiddo:''' &quot;Tell me about these comic books.  Do they bring you joy?&quot;
:'''Chad:''' &quot;Yep; they're colorful ''and'' violent.&quot;
:'''Marie Kiddo:''' &quot;Then we keep the comics.&quot;
:'''Randy:''' &quot;''O''kay.&quot;
:''(She puts them down, and then notices the beanbag chairs.)''
:'''Marie Kiddo:''' &quot;How about these old beanbag chairs?  Do they spark gladness?&quot;
:'''Chad:''' &quot;Spark gladness?&quot;
:'''Randy:''' &quot;You mean, does Chad fart in them?&quot;
:'''Chad:''' &quot;Randy!&quot;
:'''Randy:''' &quot;Hey, you spark '''somethin'''' in them all the time.&quot;
:'''Marie Kiddo:''' &quot;In that case, we thank you, beanbag chairs, and we give a little giggle.&quot;
:''(She giggles mischievously.)''
:'''Marie Kiddo:''' &quot;DESTROOOOY!&quot;
:''(She makes three long steel claws, similar to those of Wolverine from ''X-Men'', emerge from each of her hands, and she uses these claws to destroy the beanbag chairs.)''
:'''Chad:''' &quot;Marie! I ''sit'' in those!&quot;
:'''Marie Kiddo:''' &quot;THAT'S NOT WHAT I HEARD!&quot;
:''(short pause)''
:'''Marie Kiddo:''' &quot;And we're calm.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Positive Poppi:''' &quot;Hi!  I'm Positive Poppi.  Today's inspirational quote to keep in mind is, 'Life is a gift'.&quot;
:''(A giant present, wrapped in yellow wrapping paper with red flowers and tied with green ribbon, falls on her; only her feet are now visible.)''
:'''Positive Poppi:''' &quot;Stay positive!&quot;

===[[:Gabrielle Nevaeh Green|Gabrielle Nevaeh Green]]===
:'''Alisha:''' ''(to a customer at Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee)'' &quot;Good morning!  I'm Alicia, your barista.  Welcome to Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee!  Would you like to taste-test our new espresso?&quot;
:''(Alisha takes a sip of the espresso, then discards the cup.)''
:'''Alisha:''' &quot;YOLO!  Ever been to Yolo County in California?  It's a real place!&quot;
:''(She runs over to a map of the lower 48 states, and points out Yolo County, California.)''
:'''Alisha:''' &quot;''See''?&quot;
:'''Customer ''(Reece Caddell)'':''' &quot;It is way too early for whatever is happening right now.&quot;
:'''Alisha:''' &quot;Early bird gets the worm!  Do you know some people refer to the worm as the caterpillar?  The dance, not the animal.  Can you do the worm?  I can.&quot;
:''(She gets down on the floor and does the worm.)''
:'''Customer:''' &quot;I--can I just have an iced coffee?&quot;
:'''Alisha:''' &quot;Sure!&quot;
:''(Alisha goes back behind the counter.)''
:'''Alisha:''' &quot;Would you like that teeny tiny, medium, medium plus, biggie small, or a super duper?&quot;
:''(She places a super duper-sized display cup on the counter.)''
:'''Customer:''' &quot;''That's'' way too big.&quot;
:'''Alisha:''' &quot;Okay, too big!&quot;
:''(She discards the super duper-sized cup.)''
:'''Alisha:''' ''(discarding the teeny tiny-sized display cup)'' &quot;Too small!&quot;
:'''Alisha:''' ''(taking a sip from her own medium-sized cup of coffee)'' &quot;Ah, just right!  Did you know Goldilocks originally had silver hair?  Guess it was really someone's Grandma sneaking into that bears' house.  My Grandma's name is Carrie; what's yours?&quot;
:'''Customer:''' &quot;Can I just have a coff--&quot;
:'''Alisha:''' &quot;Is it Geraldine?&quot;
:'''Customer:''' &quot;A coffee with--&quot;
:'''Alisha:''' &quot;Ruby?&quot;
:'''Customer:''' &quot;''No''!&quot;
:'''Alisha:''' &quot;Lucille?&quot;
:'''Customer:''' &quot;You know what?  Forget it; I'm awake!&quot;
:'''Alisha:''' &quot;Thanks for waking up at Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee!&quot;
:''(The customer smiles sarcastically, and then she leaves.)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Customer ''(Godfrey)'':''' &quot;Good morning.&quot;
:'''Alisha:''' &quot;Good morning; welcome to Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee...Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee!  Coffee!  Coffee!&quot;

===[[:Nathan Janak|Nathan Janak]]===
:''(He hosts the sketch ''Cancelled With Nathan''.)''

:'''Himself:''' &quot;Welcome to...''Cancelled'', ''With Nathan''.  I am here to tell you what is now ''officially'' cancelled, and ''why''.  Up next we have people just saying 'kay' instead of 'okay'.  Yes, 'kay' is...''cancelled''!  No, I am not cancelling the ''letter'' 'K'.  It can stay.  I need to spell words like 'kangaroo'...and 'kazoo'.  And 'knight', even though it ''is'' silent.  But replying with 'kay' instead of 'okay' is ''not okay''.  I texted my friend Jeremy a question.  I asked, 'Hey, Jeremy, when you're done with that scooter, can you let me know, because ''I'' want to use it next?'.  And he replied with...'kay'.  Have you ever heard anything more rude in your whole life?!  What, am I not worth the 'O'?!  I was under the impression that we were ''friends''.  What kind of friend is ''too'' lazy to reply back with ''two syllables''?!  I got him the ''exact'' limited edition skateboard that he wanted for his birthday.  And in return, ''I'' can't even get ''two letters''?!  Phew!  Well, guess what, Jeremy.  Maybe ''I'm'' too lazy to say all of ''''Jeremy'''' now.  So from ''now'' on, you're Jer...''kay''?&quot;

===[[:Lex Lumpkin|Lex Lumpkin]]===
:'''Long Coat:''' &quot;All right!  We've assembled some of the toughest, most ruthless villains in all of Cityville.  Robo Arms!  Rocket Shoes!  And Hot Breath!  The first place we hit is the bank, and with all of us, Hero Boy won't be able to stop us!&quot;
:'''Robo Arms ''(Chinguun Sergelen)'':''' &quot;If Hero Boy comes ''anywhere near'' us, I'll destroy him by launching a truck at him with the sheer force of my arms!&quot;
:'''All:''' &quot;YEAH!&quot;
:'''Rocket Shoes ''(Green)'':''' &quot;If I see him, I will ''blast'' into him full speed with the immense power of my rockets!&quot;
:'''All:''' &quot;YEAH!&quot;
:'''Hot Breath ''(Godfrey)'':''' &quot;And I'll breathe a gaping hole into the ground until Hero Boy falls to him doom!&quot;
:'''All:''' &quot;YEAH!&quot;
:'''Long Coat:''' &quot;And I'll have this...very long coat.  Now, when we ''first'' get in the bank, I...&quot;
:''(Robo Arms raises his right hand.)''
:'''Long Coat:''' &quot;What is it, Robo Arms?&quot;
:'''Robo Arms:''' &quot;Am I the only one who feels like...the coat really isn't that helpful?  I mean, we all explained what we would do in full detail, but--&quot;
:'''Long Coat:''' &quot;Bad guys always wear long coats.  It's scary.&quot;

===[[:Chinguun Sergelen|Chinguun Sergelen]]===
:'''Benny ''(Sergelen)'':''' &quot;Hey, it's ''Unboxing With Benny'', the show where I open boxes and show you guys what's inside.  And I'm ''very'' excited about ''this'' one, guys.  ''This'' is the new Funtendo 64 gaming system.  Oh, you've never heard of it?  That's because it doesn't come out for another ''year''!  Lucky for you, I'm famous, so they sent me one.  Let the unboxing begin!&quot;
:''(Benny tries in vain to open his package.)''
:'''Benny:''' &quot;Mmm, sturdy packaging...this is a little harder to open than I thought.  BRB.&quot;
:''(Cut to him holding a pair of heavy-duty scissors.)''
:'''Benny:''' &quot;Trust me, you guys are gonna ''freak'' when you see what's in this box...&quot;
:'''Announcer:''' &quot;FREAK!&quot;
:''(Benny tries to cut the box open, but the scissors break.)''
:'''Benny:''' &quot;...just as soon as I can get it open.  Trust me, you will freak.&quot;
:'''Announcer:''' &quot;FREAK!&quot;
:''(Benny calls Funtendo Customer Support, and talks to an agent.)'''
:'''Funtendo Customer Support agent ''(on the phone)'':''' &quot;Funtendo Customer Support.  If you need help, say 'help'&quot;.
:'''Benny:''' &quot;Help!&quot;
:'''Funtendo Customer Support agent:''' &quot;Did you say...'applesauce'?&quot;
:'''Benny:''' &quot;Applesauce?!  ''Why'' would I say 'applesauce'?!&quot;
:'''Funtendo Customer Support agent:''' &quot;Transferring you to...applesauce.&quot;

===[[:Reece Caddell|Reece Caddell]]===
:''(In this season, she is the host of ''Vital Information''.)''

:&quot;Absence makes the heart grow fonder.  Beans make the farts go longer.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:&quot;Out of sight, out of mind?  Out of money, out of ''ice cream''; you know what I'm ''saying''.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:&quot;If you're in a pickle...get outta that pickle, man; ''come on''!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:&quot;Open the window and the air in...unless ''Aaron'' is a ''jewel thief''.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:&quot;If a train is traveling from Chicago to New York at 130 miles an hour, and the train leaves at 8:35 in the morning...you should ''fly''.  It's ''way'' faster.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:&quot;If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.  Unless they are eggs.  Never join ''eggs''.  ''Trust'' me.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:&quot;You shouldn't judge a book by its cover.  You also shouldn't cover your book with peanut butter, and run around school, saying, 'Don't be ''jelly''...'.&quot;

===[[:Ryan Alessi|Ryan Alessi]]===
:'''Other character ''(Caddell)'':''' &quot;O, M, G.  I heard ''Scary Basement IV'' is so much scarier than the first three.&quot;
:'''Other character ''(Aria Brooks)'':''' &quot;I heard the first ten seconds are the scariest ten seconds in cinema history.  #ScaryBasementIVChallenge.&quot;
:''(She shrieks in delight.)''
:'''Other character ''(Caddell)'':''' &quot;Can't wait!&quot;
:'''T@$#le!gh:''' &quot;''Soooo'' scared!  O. M. G.; tag me in that.  It's T@$#le!gh. T-at sign-dollar sign-hashtag-L-E-exclamation point-G-''H''.&quot;
:'''Other character ''(Aria Brooks)'':''' &quot;Guys...don't look, it's Tevin; O...&quot;
:'''Other character ''(Caddell)'':''' &quot;...M...&quot;
:'''T@$#le!gh:''' &quot;...G!&quot;
:'''Tevin ''(Godfrey)'':''' &quot;Bro, bro, I'm ''so'' gonna make it through the first ten seconds, no prob.&quot;
:'''Other character ''(Lumpkin)'':''' &quot;Dude, I don't know.  Trad saw ''Scary Basement'' and his whole family had to move to a house ''without'' a basement.&quot;
:'''Other character ''(Janak)'':''' &quot;Bro, I am so stoked; I am not even scared ''at all''.&quot;
:'''Tevin:''' &quot;''At all'', bro.&quot;
:'''Other character ''(Lumpkin)'':''' &quot;Bro!&quot;
:'''Other character ''(Janak)'':''' &quot;Bro!&quot;
:''(All three fist-bump.)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Announcer:''' &quot;It's time for the world's easiest game show, ''Simplicity''!  And here's your host, Dell Devine!&quot;
:'''Dell Devine ''(Alessi)'':''' &quot;Welcome to ''Simplicity'', the simplest game show in the whole world.  Let's meet our contestants for today.  From East Dakota, Linda Schnutzenberger.&quot;
:'''Linda Schnutzenberger ''(Caddell)'':''' &quot;Hi!&quot;
:'''Dell Devine:''' &quot;And from Dallas, Canada...Larry Van Halen!&quot;
:'''Larry Van Halen ''(Sergelen)'':''' &quot;Whuh-''sup''?&quot;
:'''Dell Devine:''' &quot;Let's play ''Simplicity''.  The rules are simple.  I'll ask a question.  If you know the answer, press one green button and two red ones.  If you ''don't'' know the answer, pull the lever and honk the horn.  But if you hear ''this'' sound...&quot;
:''(The buzzer sounds.)''
:'''Dell Devine:''' &quot;...push a blue button, wait three seconds, then twist the purple knob.  Whatever you do, ''do not touch the kazoo''.  Everybody ready?&quot;
:'''Linda Schnutzenberger:''' &quot;''Ready''...&quot;
:'''Larry Van Halen:''' &quot;''NOOOO''...&quot;
:'''Dell Devine:''' &quot;First question.  What sport is played with a basketball?&quot;
:'''Larry Van Halen:''' &quot;Basketball!&quot;
:'''Dell Devine:''' &quot;That is correct!&quot;
:'''Larry Van Halen:''' &quot;''Yes''!&quot;
:'''Dell Devine:''' &quot;''But'' you forgot to ring a bell.&quot;
:'''Larry Van Halen:''' &quot;What ''bell''?&quot;
:''(The buzzer sounds.)''
:'''Linda Schnutzenberger:''' &quot;Basketball.&quot;
:'''Dell Devine:''' &quot;Correct!  Linda wins Round 1!&quot;
:'''Larry Van Halen:''' &quot;But, she didn't ring a bell.&quot;
:'''Dell Devine:''' &quot;''Yes'', Larry.  That's because after one contestant answers incorrectly, the other contestant can answer ''if'' they're eating a 12-foot party sub.&quot;
:''(Linda is revealed to be doing this.)''
:'''Dell Devine:''' &quot;And now, it's time for Round 6!&quot;
:'''Larry Van Halen:''' &quot;Wha--Round ''6''?  Can we go over the rules again?&quot;
:'''Dell Devine:''' &quot;''No''...next question.  How many eggs are in a dozen?&quot;
:'''Larry Van Halen:''' &quot;Twelve.&quot;
:''(A fisherman enters, and hits Larry with a large-mouthed spotted bass.)''
:'''Larry Van Halen:''' &quot;Hey!  What was ''that''?!&quot;
:'''Dell Devine:''' &quot;You got the answer wrong.  So you got slapped in the face with a large-mouthed spotted bass!&quot;
:'''Larry Van Halen:''' &quot;But...a dozen ''is'' twelve.&quot;
:'''Dell Devine:''' &quot;''But'', in Round 6, all the answers are supposed to be ''divided'' by six, so the correct answer is two.  Linda?&quot;
:'''Linda Schnutzenberger:''' &quot;Nine.&quot;
:'''Larry Van Halen:''' &quot;You're gonna get slapped with a fish--&quot;
:''(The fisherman returns, and again hits Larry with the fish.)''
:'''Larry Van Halen:''' &quot;Why ''me''?!  The right answer was ''two''!&quot;
:'''Dell Devine:''' &quot;''That's'' because ''you'' are in Round ''6''.  ''Linda'' is in Round ''3''.  The rules are pretty clear, Larry.&quot;
:'''Linda Schnutzenberger:''' ''(to Larry)'' &quot;What are you ''not'' understanding?&quot;
:'''Larry Van Halen:''' &quot;A ''lot''!&quot;

===[[:Aria Brooks|Aria Brooks]]===
:'''Lt. Uhlot:''' ''(an extraterrestrial, of Star Crew)'' &quot;Well...Officer 'Smart'...the Klorgons are still here, and they're still mad!&quot;

:'''Klorgon leader ''(Caddell)'':''' &quot;''And'' covered in various ''teas''.&quot;
:''(Officer Smart [Janak] miscalculated that dousing the hostile Klorgon extraterrestrials with iced tea would be sufficient to defeat them.)''
&lt;hr width=50%h/&gt;
:''(All of Officer Smart's calculations have proven inaccurate.)''
:'''Lt. Uhlot:''' &quot;Enough!  No more of your ''stupid calculations''!  Because according to ''my'' calculations, ''you have yet to be right''!&quot;


===[[:Other|Other]]===
:''(Singer Gabriella Sarmiento Wilson, known professionally as H. E. R. [Having Everything Revealed], is the musical guest for this episode; she is at Good Burger, and she has given Ed her order.)''
:'''Ed ''(Kel Mitchell)'':''' &quot;What's the name on the order?&quot;

:'''H. E. R.:''' &quot;H. E. R..&quot;

:'''Ed:''' &quot;Oh, you...you want it in ''her'' name?&quot;
:''(He points to another woman who is eating at Good Burger.)''

:'''H. E. R.:''' &quot;No, no.  ''I'm'' H. E. R..&quot;

:'''Ed:''' &quot;Oh, okay; well, if you're ''her'', then who is ''she''?&quot;

:'''H. E. R.:''' &quot;I don't ''know'' who she is.  Listen carefully, okay?  My name...is ''H. E. R.''.  ''H. E. R.'' is ''me''.&quot;

:'''Ed:''' &quot;I thought ''I'' was me.  And I thought you were ''her''.&quot;

:'''H. E. R.:''' &quot;She ''is'' her.&quot;

:'''Ed:''' &quot;Oh.  Okay; then, who am ''I''?&quot;

:'''H. E. R.:''' &quot;Can we just stop trying to figure out who everybody else is, please?&quot;

:'''Ed:''' &quot;No, no, no, no; I think I got it.  Okay.  You're ''you'', she's ''her'', and you're ''also'' her.  All right, but she's not ''you''.  Okay?  And then ''I'm'' not her, because I'm me.  But...sometimes, I'm you.  All right?  So, she's not me...okay...and she's not ''you'', and she's not ''her'', and I don't know who the heck ''that'' is.&quot;
:''(He points to another man at Good Burger.)''

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{imdb title|id=0111875|title=All That}}

[[Category:Nickelodeon shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows]]
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    <title>Boomtown (2002 TV series)</title>
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'''''[[w:Boomtown (2002 TV series)|Boomtown]]''''' (2002–2003) was a television show that depicted crime in Los Angeles from the very different perspectives of the four groups most intimately involved in the pursuit of justice -- the police, the citizens, the politicians, and the media -- and artfully illustrated how they interconnect.

{{tv-stub}}
== Season 1 ==

=== ''Pilot'' [1.1] ===

:'''Elderly black man''': ''[referring to the L.A. River]'' Not quite the [[w:Ganges|Ganges]], is it? Not really a river anymore. Used to flood like a son of a bitch when I was a boy. They paved it all up in the '50s. London's got the [[w:River Thames|Thames]], Paris got the [[w:Seine|Seine]]. Vienna's got the [[w:Danube|Blue Danube]]. L.A.'s got a...concrete drainage ditch. It's all we've got. It'll have to do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andrea''': Why are we here?
:'''David''': We're here Andrea because someone was shot.
:'''Andrea''': Given that that happens every day in the city, why are we all here for this one?
:'''David''': Because this happens every day in this city. I didn't see a crowd of reporters at 163 and Florence two days ago when Conchita Escovito was killed by a stray bullet while she sitting at her kitchen table feeding her baby girl. You're damn right I had my assistant call your editors and news directors because I knew that me being here could get you here. Now, look. I don't blame you because you don't go to the scene of every shooting. When something happens every day, it stops being news. I'm no saint above this myself. The only reason I knew those two names I just mentioned is because they're ongoing cases. You ask me who was murdered on this day six months ago? I wouldn't know. Not their names, anyway. I tend not to forget the faces.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boss''': ''[referring to David]'' What do you think of him?
:'''Andrea''': I don't ...think of him. He's a politician.
:'''Boss''': He seems real to me.
:'''Andrea''': Yeah, well, you know what they say about politicians. The key to success is sincerity. Once they learn that, they've got it made.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ray''': ''[to Tom, referring to Joel]'' What, are you in love with the guy?
:'''Tom''': Shut up.
:'''Ray''': I'm serious. The way you're looking at him. What's your problem with him?
:'''Tom''': Everything comes easy to him -- sailing through The Academy and making detective.
:'''Ray''': Yeah, I'm tired of good things happening to the good. It's high time we celebrated mediocrity. Just let go of that crap.
:'''Tom''': Yeah, like you?
:'''Ray''': My situation is a little different. He thinks I'm soiled. Spend five years in The Heights, go fishing with a guy, you go to his kid's birthday parties, ipso facto you're dirty. Guilt by association, that's all it is. Nothing I'd like better than to do a dance in a dark stairwell with that self-righteous son of a bitch. I don't let that show. I smile, I make nice, I let him think I'm his best friend in the world.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Mr. La Fontaine''': I've been trying to think of a prayer, but I'm coming up blank. It's been a long time. You, you, got any?
:'''Joel''': No, no, I'm all out.
:'''Mr. La Fontaine''': How about you? Prayer?
:'''Fearless''': I don't have any prayers, but I do have a story.
:'''Mr. La Fontaine''': Okay.
:'''Fearless''': There was this wave, way out on the ocean. And he was just racing along having a great time -- and just sunlight glinting, spray just flying -- until one day he looked ahead, and he saw wave after wave in front of him crashing on the beach, and he got scared. And this older wave in front of him said, 'I know exactly what your problem is. You've been having so much fun being a wave, that you forgot you're really just part of the ocean.'
:'''Mr. La Fontaine''': I like that. Part of the ocean. Okay. ''[pours his grandson's ashes into the river]'' River, take my grandson home.

=== ''Possession'' [1.2] ===

:'''Operator''': Hello, this is the operator. Was anyone shot at your home? Okay, thank you, have a nice day. Hello, sir, are you dead? No? Is the lady of the house dead? Is the person that handles your long-distance provider dead?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''David''': Let me tell you why I'm here.  The police asked me if there was any legal reason I could find to compel you to help them.  Trouble is, I couldn't find a reason.
:'''Mike''': That's exactly what I told them.
:'''David''': They could get you a search warrant.
:'''Mike''': Search warrant?  To search what, my brain?  I have nothing written down.
:'''David''': Even then, it would be too late, the guy's wife's gonna be dead in, what, an hour and a half?
:'''Mike''': Look, I don't want any harm coming to any one, but my business depends upon discretion, who attends my parties must remain my secret, or I'm out of business.
:'''David''': No, I understand your position.  Now, I want you to understand mine.  As I said, the police think I'm in here working up some kind of legal strategy to force you to give them the information that they need.  But that's not why I'm here.  The reason I'm here is, I'm gonna ask you a favor.
:'''Mike''': I wish I could.
:'''David''': Shhh.  I think you're gonna want to hear this.  As a kid, growing up in Dorchester, Massachusetts, it's this tough little suburb just outside Boston.  My father had the title of Supervisor of Public Works.  But that's not what he did.  Wanna know what he did?  He fixed things.  People of power needed things to be done, they called ol' Jackie boy, and let me tell you, he got things done.  Now, my father taught me lots of things, lot of things.  One of the things he did teach me was how to hurt someone without leaving any bruises.  We're talking excruciating pain without leaving any marks.  You know how he did it?  Went for the internal organs.  Let me show you how he did it.  Here Mike, could you hold this for me?
:''[David hands the man his jacket.]''
:'''David''': Thanks.  What he'd do is that you wanna go for the spleen.  You see, right underneath the rib cage.
:''[David punches the wall.]''
:'''David''': Or you then maybe one in the liver.
:''[He punches the wall again.]''
:'''David''': One of his favorites was going for the kidney, cause believe me, I know, was going for the kidney and--
:''[He punches the wall a third time, slamming his fist right through the drywall.]''
:'''David''': One good kidney shot and you're pissin' blood for a month.  So the favor I'm gonna ask is really quite simple.  Don't help the police.  Don't tell them who was at your party last night.  Don't help them stop a guy from killing his wife.  Just don't.  Cause let me tell ya, I'm not in a good mood today, and there is nothing I'd rather do than beat that supercillious look off of your face.  You get me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rental Agent''': There are stains on the throw rug in the upstairs bathroom.
:'''Ivan''': I'm sure there are.
:'''Rental Agent''': What are they?
:'''Ivan''': What do you think?
:'''Rental Agent''': That's disgusting.
:''[Joel and Fearless enter]'' 
:'''Rental Agent''': ''[to Joel and Fearless]'' Yes?
:'''Joel''': L.A.P.D.
:'''Rental Agent''': What do you want?
:'''Ivan''': It's probably about the snuff film we shot in the basement.  Wait til you see ''those'' stains.
:'''Rental Agent''': What?!
:'''Ivan''': I'm kidding!  I'm just kidding.  You detectives know I'm kidding, don't you?
:'''Joel''': Yeah, yeah, looks like you had some party here last night.
:''[Ivan makes a call]''
:'''Ivan''': ''[on phone]'' Jared, it's Ivan.  How are you?  Well, I'm here at the Bolaby house and two detectives from the L.A.P.D. have come to visit. ''[to Fearless]'' My lawyer would like to have a word.
:'''Joel''': We don't wanna speak to him.
:'''Ivan''': ''[on phone]'' Yes, okay.  Well I can assure you that my party was fully permitted.  All my parties are, I'm scrupulous in that regard.  We've had people around here try to shut us down on dozens of occasions, and each time I've come out smelling like a rose.
:'''Joel''': Excuse me.
:'''Fearless''': So what exactly happens at your parties?
:'''Ivan''': I provide the very best in exotic private dancing entertainment for a select clientele.
:'''Joel''': Private strip shows for rich people.
:'''Ivan''': How very to the point.  Lest you concern yourselves, there are no drugs, the girls are all over 21 and there's no sex.  Just the illusion of sex.  The promise of sex, sex is in the very air, but no sex per se.
:'''Fearless''': We need to know who was at your party last night.
:'''Ivan''': I'm afraid I can't help you with that.  
:''[Joel gestures for the phone.]''
:'''Ivan''': ''[on phone]'' Ah, one of them does want to talk to you.   
:'''Joel''': ''[on phone]'' Yes, you can tell your client we're not here about permits.  We're here because someone who came to his party last night was murdered this morning.  And if we don't find the murderer within two hours, your client is going to be facing obstruction, interfering in an official investigation, and aiding in the commission of a homicide.  Have you got him a permit for any of that?
:''[Ivan listens to his lawyer on the phone.]''
:'''Ivan''': Yes. ''[He hangs up]'' My lawyer says, to get a warrant.
:'''Joel''': Listen to me you son-of-a-bitch, a woman is going to be murdered.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joel''': That call's getting better and better.  Vanessa Griggs, we have some good news and some bad news.  The bad news is, your husband was murdered by some guy that you dance for, and now he wants to kill you too.  The good news is, he's also the guy in the car chase on TV.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Luis''': One thing I do not understand. I know I stole the truck, my mission from God notwithstanding. But why were there so many police chasing me? It's not like I killed someone. Whose truck did I steal?

=== ''The Squeeze'' [1.3] ===

=== ''Reelin' in the Years'' [1.4] ===

=== ''All Hallows Eve'' [1.5] ===

:'''Tom''': C'mon. I'm sweatin' like a Backstreet Boy in a holding cell.

=== ''The Freak'' [1.6] ===

=== ''Insured by Smith &amp; Wesson'' [1.7] ===

=== ''Crash'' [1.8] ===

=== ''The David McNorris Show'' [1.9] ===

:'''Marian''': But you see David, there's no room for supporting roles in a one man show.

=== ''Coyote'' [1.10] ===

=== ''Monster's Brawl'' [1.11] ===

=== ''Sinaloa Cowboys'' [1.12] ===

=== ''Home Invasion'' [1.13] ===

=== ''Execution'' [1.14] ===

:'''Little''': What are you gonna do?
:'''David''': What I do best.
:'''Little''': You gonna have sex with him?
:'''David''': Wow. Thank you.
:'''Little''': Sure. What are you going to do?
:'''David''': Make a closing argument.

=== ''Storm Watch'' [1.15] ===

=== ''Fearless'' [1.16] ===

=== ''Blackout'' [1.17] ===

=== ''Lost Child'' [1.18] ===

== Season 2 ==

=== ''The Love of Money'' [2.1] ===

=== ''Inadmissable'' [2.2] ===

=== ''Wannabe'' [2.3] ===

=== ''Haystack'' [2.4] ===
:'''Detective Katherine Pierce''': You blame yourself for this?
:'''David''': I'm Irish-Catholic, detective, I blame myself when it rains.

=== ''The Hole-in-the-Wall Gang'' [2.5] ===

=== ''The Big Picture'' [2.6] ===

:'''Tom''': McNorris, I stood two feet away from that girl. I did nothing. You have no idea what that's like.
:'''David''': You're right. I don't. I have no idea what it's like to be a cop. But I do know my fair share about one thing: guilt. Wallowing in it. Numbing myself in it. Getting in knock-down, drag-out brawls with it. So, I can tell you this much: it never ends up being a fair fight. Careful, Tom.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Gary Basaraba|Gary Basaraba]] - Officer Ray Hechler
* [[w:Jason Gedrick|Jason Gedrick]] - Officer Tom Turcotte
* [[w:Neal McDonough|Neal McDonough]] - David McNorris, Deputy D.A.
* [[w:Lana Parrilla|Lana Parrilla]] - Teresa Ortiz, Paramedic
* [[w:Donnie Wahlberg|Donnie Wahlberg]] - Detective Joel Stevens
* [[w:Mykelti Williamson|Mykelti Williamson]] - Detective Bobby 'Fearless' Smith
* [[w:Nina Garbiras|Nina Garbiras]] - Andrea Little, Reporter ''(Season One)''
* [[w:Megan Ward|Megan Ward]] - Kelly Stevens
* [[w:David Proval|David Proval]] - LAPD Detective II Paul Turcotte
* [[w:Dorian Harewood|Dorian Harewood]] - LAPD Captain Ron Hicks
* [[w:Kelly Rowan|Kelly Rowan]] - Marian McNorris ''(Season One)''
* [[w:Erich Anderson|Erich Anderson]] - Ben Fisher ''(Season One)''
* [[w:Kelly Hu|Kelly Hu]] - Rachel Durrel ''(Season Two)''
* [[Vanessa L. Williams]] - LAPD Detective III Katherine Pierce ''(Season Two)''
* [[w:Kim Murphy|Kim Murphy]] - Susan ''(Season One)''
* [[w:Matt Craven|Matt Craven]] - Dr. Michael Hirsch ''(Season One)''

== External links== 
{{wikipedia|Boomtown (2002 TV series)}}
* {{imdb title|id=0319960|title=Boomtown}}
* [http://www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show.cgi?show=98 Boomtown at Television Without Pity]

[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:2000s American crime drama TV shows]]
[[Category:Courtroom dramas]]
[[Category:NBC shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Danny Phantom</title>
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        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
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'''''[[w:Danny Phantom|Danny Phantom]]''''' is an American animated television series that was aired on Nickelodeon. The series follows a teenage boy who, after an accident with an unpredictable portal between the human world and the &quot;Ghost Zone&quot;, becomes a human-ghost hybrid and takes on the task of saving his town (and the world) from subsequent ghost attacks using an evolving variety of supernatural powers.
__NOTOC__
{| align=&quot;center&quot; class=&quot;wikitable&quot; cellspacing=&quot;0&quot;
!! width=&quot;16%&quot; | [[Danny Phantom/Season 1|Season 1]] !! width=&quot;16%&quot; | [[Danny Phantom/Season 2|Season 2]] !! width=&quot;16%&quot; | [[Danny Phantom/Season 3|Season 3]]
|-
| [[Danny Phantom/Season 1#Mystery Meat|Mystery Meat]] || [[Danny Phantom/Season 2#Memory Blank|Memory Blank]] || [[Danny Phantom/Season 3#Eye for an Eye|Eye for an Eye]]
|-
| [[Danny Phantom/Season 1#Attack of the Killer Garage Sale|Attack of the Killer Garage Sale]] || [[Danny Phantom/Season 2#The Fright Before Christmas|The Fright Before Christmas]] || [[Danny Phantom/Season 3#Infinite Realms|Infinite Realms]]
|-
| [[Danny Phantom/Season 1#Splitting Images|Splitting Images]] || [[Danny Phantom/Season 2#Secret Weapons|Secret Weapons]]  || 
|-
| [[Danny Phantom/Season 1#13|13]] || [[Danny Phantom/Season 2#Flirting with Disaster|Flirting with Disaster]] || 
|-
| [[Danny Phantom/Season 1#Lucky In Love|Lucky In Love]] ||  || 
|-
| [[Danny Phantom/Season 1#Life Lessons|Life Lessons]] ||  || 
|-
| [[Danny Phantom/Season 1#The Million-Dollar Ghost|The Million-Dollar Ghost]] ||  || 
|-
| [[Danny Phantom/Season 1#Control Freaks|Control Freaks]] ||  || 
|}

== Cast ==
* [[w:David Kaufman|David Kaufman]] - Daniel &quot;Danny&quot; Fenton/Danny Phantom
* [[w:Grey DeLisle|Grey DeLisle]] - Samantha &quot;Sam&quot; Manson
* [[w:Rickey D'Shon Collins|Rickey D'Shon Collins]] - Tucker Foley
* [[w:Colleen O'Shaughnessey|Colleen O'Shaughnessey]] - Jasmine &quot;Jazz&quot; Fenton
* [[w:Rob Paulsen|Rob Paulsen]] - Jack Fenton
* [[w:Kath Soucie|Kath Soucie]] - Maddie Fenton
* [[Martin Mull]] - Vlad Plasmius

== External links ==

{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title | id=0366005 | title=Danny Phantom}}

[[Category:Danny Phantom]]
[[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American high school TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s Nickelodeon original series]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated action TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated science fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated superhero TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Nicktoons]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about teenagers]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Laurie Anderson</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>14070</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147949</id>
      <parentid>3059425</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T00:55:48Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
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      <text bytes="3283" xml:space="preserve">[[File:LA21uitsnede.jpg|thumb|right|Paradise &lt;br&gt; Is exactly like &lt;br&gt; Where you are right now &lt;br&gt; Only much much &lt;br&gt; Better.]]
'''[[w:Laurie Anderson|Laurie Anderson]]''' (born [[5 June]] [[1947]]) is an American experimental performance artist and musician.

== Quotes ==
[[File:Laurie Anderson Homeland 2.jpg|thumb|right|When love is gone, there's always justice.&lt;br&gt;And when justice is gone, there's always force…]]
* '''Here come the planes.''' &lt;br&gt;They're American planes. &lt;br&gt;Made in America. &lt;br&gt;Smoking or non-smoking?
** [[w:O Superman|O Superman]] (1981)

*''' 'Cause when love is gone, there's always justice.&lt;br&gt;And when justice is gone, there's always force.'''&lt;br&gt;And when force is gone, there's always Mom.&lt;br&gt;Hi Mom!
**O Superman (1981)

=== ''[[w:United States Live|United States Live]]'' (1984) ===

* '''Paradise &lt;br&gt; Is exactly like &lt;br&gt; Where you are right now &lt;br&gt; Only much much &lt;br&gt; Better.'''
** &quot;Language is a Virus (from Outer Space)&quot;, opening lines; the song title itself is a quote of [[William S. Burroughs]].

=== [https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0091216/ Home of the Brave] (1986) ===

* And he said: Now, I'm the Soul Doctor, and you know, '''language is a virus from outer space, and hearing your name is better than seeing your face.'''
** [https://genius.com/Laurie-anderson-difficult-listening-hour-lyrics &quot;Difficult Listening Hour&quot;] (https://youtube.com/watch?v=mua8Pr6uRso at 1:14:35)

=== ''[[w:Homeland_(Laurie_Anderson_album)|Homeland]]'' (2010) ===

* And you know the reason I really love the stars is that we cannot hurt them. &lt;br&gt;We can't burn them or melt them or make them overflow. We can't flood them or blow them up or turn them out. &lt;br&gt;But we are reaching for them. &lt;br&gt;We are reaching for them.
** &quot;Another Day in America&quot; (2010)

== External links== 
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
* [http://www.laurieanderson.com/ LaurieAnderson.com]
* {{cite web |url=http://rhino.com/features/liners/76648lin.html |title=Talk Normal: The Laurie Anderson Anthology (Liner Notes) |archiveurl=http://web.archive.org/web/20010111023000/http://rhino.com/features/liners/76648lin.html |archivedate=2001-01-11}}
* [http://www.laurieanderson.com/public/pdf/WatersNotesCredits.pdf  Some Notes on Seeing: The Waters Reglitterized] By Laurie Anderson for exhibition 2005
* {{cite web |url=http://ic.arc.nasa.gov/story.php?sid=78&amp;sec=earth |title=Eclectic Laurie Anderson visits Ames |archiveurl=http://web.archive.org/web/20030818200546/http://ic.arc.nasa.gov/story.php?sid=78&amp;sec=earth |archivedate=2003-08-18}}
* {{cite web |url=http://www.spacelink.nasa.gov/NASA.Overview/NASA.Art.Program/.index.html |title=NASA Art Program |archiveurl=http://web.archive.org/web/19981201084829/http://www.spacelink.nasa.gov/NASA.Overview/NASA.Art.Program/.index.html |archivedate=1998-12-01}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Anderson, Laurie}}
[[Category:Composers from the United States]]
[[Category:Singers from the United States]]
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[[Category:Poets from the United States]]
[[Category:Film directors from the United States]]
[[Category:1947 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:People from Illinois]]
[[Category:Violinists from the United States]]
[[Category:Inventors]]
[[Category:Wolf Prize in Arts laureates]]
[[Category:American women]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Band of Brothers (miniseries)</title>
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      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* External links */ r/m Template:Tv.com show</comment>
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'''''[[w:Band of Brothers (miniseries)|Band of Brothers]]''''' is an acclaimed 10-part television miniseries (first aired in 2001) about World War II, co-produced by [[Steven Spielberg]] and [[Tom Hanks]]. Much of the action of the mini-series centers on the exploits of [[w:Easy Company|Easy Company]] of the [[w:506th Parachute Infantry Regiment|506th Parachute Infantry Regiment]], U.S. [[w:101st Airborne Division|101st Airborne Division]] and one of its early platoon leaders, [[w:Richard Winters|Richard Winters]]. It is based on [[w:Band of Brothers (book)|the book of the same name]] written by historian and biographer [[w:Stephen Ambrose|Stephen Ambrose]]. 

[[File:Combat service identification badge of the 101st Airborne Division.png|thumb|&quot;[[w:Henry V of England|Henry V]] was talking to his men. He said, &quot;from this day to the ending of the world... we in it shall be remembered. We lucky few, we band of brothers. For he who today shed his blood with me shall be my brother.&quot; ~ Carwood Lipton]]
[[File:US Army Airborne basic parachutist badge.gif|thumb|&quot;Volunteering for the Parachute Infantry is one thing, Perconte, but you've got a long way to prove that you belong here.&quot; ~ Herbert Sobel]]
[[File:WorldWarIIVictoryMedal.jpg|thumbnail|&quot;I cherish the memory of a question my grandson asked me the other day, when he said: 'Grandpa, were you a hero in the war?' Grandpa said, &quot;No. But I served in a company of heroes.&quot; ~ Mike Ranney]]

== ''Currahee'' ==
:'''[[w:Herbert Sobel|Sobel]]''': ''[Addressing whole platoon.]'' You people are at the position of attention! ''[To Perconte]'' Private Perconte, have you been blousing your trousers over your boots like a paratrooper?
:'''[[w:Frank Perconte|Perconte]]''': No, sir.
:'''Sobel''': Then explain the creases at the bottom.
:'''Perconte''': No excuse, sir.
:'''Sobel''': Volunteering for the Parachute Infantry is one thing, Perconte, but you've got a long way to prove that you belong here. Your weekend pass is revoked. ''[moves on]'' Name?
:'''[[w:George Luz|Luz]]''': Luz, George.
:'''Sobel''': ''[examining Luz's M1 rifle]'' Dirt in the rear sight aperture. Pass revoked. ''[walks over to another soldier]'' When did you sew on these Chevrons, Sergeant Lipton?
:'''[[w:Carwood Lipton|Lipton]]''': Yesterday, sir.
:'''Sobel''': ''[displays a loose thread pulled from the stripe]'' Long enough to notice this - revoked.
:'''Lipton''': Sir. ''[Sobel walks over to another soldier.]'' 
:'''Sobel''': Name.
:'''[[w:Donald Malarkey|Malarkey]]''': Malarkey, Donald G!
:'''Sobel''': Malarkey is slang for &quot;bullshit,&quot; isn't it? ''[takes his rifle]''
:'''Malarkey''': Yes, sir!
:'''Sobel''': Rust on the butt-plate hinge spring, Private Bullshit - revoked. ''[tosses his rifle at Malarkey and moves on]''  Name.
:'''Liebgott''': Liebgott, Joseph, D, sir.
:'''Sobel''': Rusty bayonet, Liebgott. You want to kill Germans?
:'''Liebgott''': Yes, sir.
:'''Sobel''': ''[knocks his helmet with the bayonet]'' Not with this. ''[to the whole platoon]'' I will not take this rusty piece of shit to war, and I will not take you to war in your condition. ''[throws bayonet to the ground]'' Now thanks to these men and their infractions, every man in the company who had a weekend pass has lost it. Change into your PT gear. We're running Currahee.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Denver Randleman|Bull]]''': ''[to Lt. Winters, as Easy Company is marching one Friday night]'' Sir, we got nine companies, sir.
:'''Winters''': That we do.
:'''Bull''': Well how come we’re the only company marching every Friday night, twelve miles, full pack, in the pitch dark?
:'''Winters''': Why do you think, Private Randleman?
:'''Bull''': Lieutenant Sobel hates us, sir!
:'''Winters''': ''[pauses a moment]'' Lieutenant Sobel does not hate Easy Company, Private Randleman – he just hates you! ''[the rest of Easy Company laughs]''
:'''Bull''': Thank-you-sir!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%/&quot;&gt;
:''[After the 12-mile evening march, all the soldiers of Easy Company empty their canteens. Pvt. Christenson's canteen empties very quickly. Sobel notices]''
:'''Sobel''': Who is that? Christenson! There is no water in your canteen! You drank from your canteen!
:'''Christenson''': Sir, I-
:'''Sobel''': Lt. Winters!
:'''[[w:Richard Winters|Winters]]''': Sir?
:'''Sobel''': Was this man asked to ''not'' drink from his canteen during the evening march?
:'''Winters''': He was, sir.
:'''Sobel''': Pvt. Christenson, you have disobeyed a direct order! You will refill your canteen and ''repeat'' all 12 miles of the march immediately!
:'''Christenson''': Yes, sir.
:'''Sobel''': FALL OUT! ''[fuming, Sobel walks back to Winters]'' What in the name of God are you doing with my company? You're late and you allowed soldiers to disobey direct orders.
:'''Winters''': No excuse, sir.
:'''Sobel''': You are making me look bad, Lieutenant. This is not Dog Company, this is not Fox Company, this-this is ''Easy'' Company. And under my command, this is going to be the best and finest company in this regiment. I want the names of six men, their infractions and your disciplinary recommendations on my desk by 0130, is that clear?
:'''Winters''': What infractions, sir?
:'''Sobel''': ''Find some''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Lewis Nixon (U.S. Army officer)|Nixon]]''': Sobel's a genius. I had a headmaster in prep school who was just like him. I know the type. 
:'''Winters''': Lew, [[Michelangelo]]'s a genius. [[Beethoven]]'s a genius. 
:'''Nixon''': You know a man in this company who wouldn't double-time Currahee with a full pack just to piss in that man's morning coffee?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After hearing of Sobel's court martial of Winters, the NCO's of Easy Company meet and prepare to turn in their stripes in protest]''
:'''Lipton''': Now, if we are all going to go through with this, we all have to be aware of the consequences.
:'''[[w:John Martin (soldier)|Martin]]''': I don't care about the consequences.
:'''Lipton''': John. We could be lined up against a wall and shot. Now, I'm ready to face that. And the rest of you better be, too.
:''[All the NCO's are silent for a few moments; Guarnere looks pointedly at Lipton.]''
:'''[[w:William Guarnere|Guarnere]]''': ''[Regarding Sobel]'' I will ''not'' follow ''that'' man into combat.
:'''Bull''': Me neither.
:''[The other NCO's all nod in agreement.]''
:'''Lipton''': Alright, then. Let's do it.
:''[All the NCO's take individual pieces of paper and pencils. Guarnere dictates what all of them write]''
:'''Guarnere''': &quot;I hereby...no longer wish to serve...as a Non-Commissioned Officer...in Easy Company.&quot; ''[they each then sign their individual papers and hand them to Lipton]''
:'''Lipton''': Alright then. Good luck. ''[leaves to take the papers to Col. Sink]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Winters''': These men have been through the toughest training the Army has to offer, under the worst possible circumstances, and they volunteered for it. 
:'''[[w:Lynn Compton|Buck]]''': Christ, Dick, I was just shooting craps with them. 
:'''Winters''': You know why they volunteered? Because they knew that the man in the foxhole next to them would be the best. Not some draftee who's going to get them killed. 
:'''Buck''': Are you ticked because they ''like'' me? Because I'm spending time to get to know my soldiers? I mean, c'mon, you've been with them for two years? I've been here for six ''days''. 
:'''Winters''': You were gambling, Buck. 
:'''Buck''': So what? Soldiers do that. I don't deserve a reprimand for it. 
:'''Winters''': What if you'd won? 
:'''Buck''': What? 
:'''Winters''': ''What if you'd won?'' Never put yourself in a position where you can take from these men.

== ''Day of Days'' ==
:'''[[w:Richard Winters|Winters]]''': Flash!
:'''Hall''': Shit!
:'''Winters''': I don't think that's the correct reply, trooper. I say &quot;flash&quot;, you say &quot;thunder&quot;.
:'''Hall''': Yes, sir. Thunder, sir.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Winters''': So, you're a radioman?
:'''Hall''': Yes, sir. Well, I was, until I lost my radio in the jump. I'm sure I'll get chewed out for that.
:'''Winters''': Well, if you were in my regiment, I would tell you that you were a rifleman first and a radioman second.
:'''Hall''': Yes, sir. Maybe you can say that to my CO when we find him...''if'' we find him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hall''': I wonder if everybody else is as lost as we are.
:'''Winters''': We're not lost, Private. We're in Normandy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:William Guarnere|Guarnere]]''': Let the Krauts cook their own goddamn food. How are we doing, Malarkey?
:'''[[w:Donald Malarkey|Malarkey]]''': We're doing good.
:'''[[w:Lynn Compton|Buck]]''': Yeah? What the hell do you know about cooking; you're Irish.
:'''Malarkey''': Sir, if you have a reservation someplace else, I'd be happy to go with you. ''[Winters shows up]''
:'''Winters''': Jeez! Did something just die in here?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Buck''': Where you hit, Pop? 
:'''Popeye Wynn''': I can't believe I fucked up. My ass, sir. 
:'''Buck''': Your ''ass''? ''[Lt. Compton checks his wound]'' Holy shit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Hall and other members of Able Company come to help Easy]''
:'''Guarnere''': Hiya, Cowboy!
:'''Hall''': Shut your fucking Guinea trap, Gonorrhea!
:'''Guarnere''': ''[Pauses, then smiles]'' He's alright, that kid!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Winters''': That night, I took time to thank God for seeing me through that day of days and prayed I would make it through D plus 1.  And if, somehow, I managed to get home again, I promised God and myself that I would find a quiet piece of land someplace and spend the rest of my life in peace.

== ''Carentan'' ==
:'''[[w:Warren Muck|Muck]]''': Hey, Malark! You seeing this?
:''[They watch an Army chaplain walk through a hail of bullets to give fallen soldiers last rites]''
:'''[[w:Donald Malarkey|Malarkey]]''': Crazy fools, the Irish.
:'''Muck''': You should know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Frank Perconte|Perconte]]''': How far do you think we're going?
:'''[[w:George Luz|Luz]]''': Jesus Christ, Frank, I don't know. Until they tell us to stop!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Lewis Nixon (U.S. Army officer)|Nixon]]''': Harry, what exactly are you doing with your reserve chute? You've been hauling that thing around ever since we jumped?
:'''[[w:Harry Welsh|Welsh]]''': Gonna send it to Kitty when we get back to England. Silk. Figure it'll make a good wedding dress, you know, what with rationing and all. 
:'''Nixon''': Geez, Harry, I never would have guessed.
:'''Welsh''': What, that I'm so sentimental?
:'''Nixon''': No, that you think we're going to make it back to England.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Welsh''': I want light and noise discipline from now on. That means no talking, no smoking, and no playing grab-fanny with the man in front of you, Luz.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Luz''': ''[imitating Col. Sink]'' Now remember boys: flies spread disease.  So keep yours closed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''[[w:Ronald Speirs|Speirs]]''': We're all scared. You hid in that ditch because you think there's still hope. But Blithe, the only hope you have is to accept the fact that you're already dead. And the sooner you accept that, the sooner you'll be able to function as a soldier is supposed to function. Without mercy. Without compassion. Without remorse. All war depends upon it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Richard Winters|Winters]]''': Sink told me what a good job Easy did holding the line, said General Taylor was pleased.
:'''Welsh''': That's why I came to France: to please General Taylor.

== ''Replacements'' ==
:'''[[w:Roy Cobb|Cobb]]''': Where'd you get that?
:'''Miller''': It's the Presidential Distinguished Unit Citation. For, uh... for what the regiment did in Normandy.
:'''Cobb''': That's right. For what the regiment did. You weren't there.
:'''[[w:Donald Hoobler|Hoobler]]''': Hey, hey, ease up on him, Cobb. It's a unit citation. ''[Miller removes his Citation ribbon and walks away. Bull picks it up, glaring at Cobb]''
:'''Bull''': Shit, Cobb, you didn't fight in Normandy, neither.
:'''Cobb''': I got hit in the plane before I got a chance to jump.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:William Guarnere|Guarnere]]''': ''[on Bull's MIA status]'' If there ain't no body, then there ain't nobody dead.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Nixon falls down after a German bullet ricochets off his helmet]''
:'''[[w:Richard Winters|Winters]]''': Nix!
:'''[[w:Lewis Nixon|Nixon]]''': I'm all right! I'm all right... am I all right?
:'''Winters''': Yeah, yeah, you are. ''[smiles a bit]''
:'''Nixon''': Yeah? Quit lookin' at me like that!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[gambling on a game of darts]'' 
:'''[[w:George Luz|Luz]]''': Lieutenant, are you going to shoot lefty all night? ''[Comptom looks at him]''
:'''[[w:Joseph Toye|Toye]]''': Hey, c'mon. 
:'''Luz''': I'm just curious cause he's right-handed. 
:'''[[w:Lynn Compton|Buck]]''': ''[switches hands]'' George! What would I do without George Luz?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Guarnere''': ''[to Bull]'' I don't know whether to slap you, kiss you, or salute you. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Winters''': I don't like retreating.
:'''Nixon''': First time for everything.
:'''Winters''': How'd the other divisions fare up north?
:'''Nixon''': ''[Pauses]'' I think we're gonna have to find another way into Germany.

== ''Crossroads'' ==
:'''[[w:Richard Winters|Winters]]''': ''[trying to wake up Nixon]'' All right...''[dumps a full pitcher on Nixon]''
:'''[[w:Lewis Nixon III|Nixon]]''': ''[groans and slowly wakes, then notices what Winters has done]'' Oh... CHRIST! That's my own ''piss'', for God sakes!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nixon''': I mean, we're the only ones keeping the Germans on the German side of the [[w:Rhine|Rhine]]. Now, if we had taken [[w:Antwerp|Antwerp]] - and I'm not saying that would have been easy - we would be across the river, well-supplied, with the Krauts on their heels. Now I just got to get [[Dwight D. Eisenhower|Ike]] on the phone. Are you listening to me?
:'''Winters''': Hanging on every word.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nixon''': I don't know why I'm still doing this.
:'''Winters''': Drinking?
:'''Nixon''': No, hiding it in your foot locker. I'm a captain, for Christ sake.
:'''Winters''': Why don't you just give it up?
:'''Nixon''': Drinking?
:'''Winters''': No, hiding it in my foot locker. You're a captain, for ''Pete's'' sake.
:'''Nixon''': Maybe you're right. Maybe this is the perfect place to stop drinking. Right here on the business end of the Allied advance... Cheers! ''[continues drinking out of his bottle of VAT 69]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Nixon holds up a ticket to Paris, without saying what it is]''
:'''Winters''': What is that? A piece of paper? I don't want to see another piece of paper!
:'''Nixon''': You are going to Paris, my friend, City of Light.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Winters''': Joe, drop your ammo.
:'''[[w:Joseph Liebgott|Liebgott]]''': What? What are you doing?
:'''Winters''': ''[pulls out the ammo from the weapon, displaying a single bullet]'' You have one round. ''[Turns to John Martin]'' Johnny, how many prisoners do we have?!
:'''Martin''': We got 11 right now, sir.
:'''Winters''': ''[Turns back to Liebgott]'' You drop a prisoner, the rest will jump you. I want all prisoners back at the company CP. '''Alive'''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Donald Malarkey|Malarkey]]''': Hey, Skip! Where ya been?  I've been lookin' all over for you!
:'''[[w:Warren Muck|Muck]]''': Well, Don, I was at home in Tonawanda, but then [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]] started this whole thing, so now I'm here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[1LT George Rice from the 10th Armored Division brings a jeep heavily loaded with supplies as Easy Company arrives in Bastogne]''
:'''Lt. George Rice''': Panzer division is about to cut the road south. Looks like you guys are going to be surrounded.
:'''Winters''': We're paratroopers, Lieutenant. We're supposed to be surrounded.
:'''Lt. George Rice''': Good luck.
:'''Nixon''': Thanks.

== ''Bastogne'' ==
:'''[[w:Eugene Roe|Doc Roe]]''': ''[in the middle of the forest]'' Do you have scissors? I need scissors.
:'''[[w:Walter Gordon (veteran)|Smokey Gordon]]''': Scissors? I have to check the sewing room. They might be upstairs in the study in that skinny old drawer in the middle of the desk...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Alex Penkala|Penkala]]''': I don't want to go back to no aid station!
:'''Doc Roe''': Well, you're in luck, we ain't got no aid station! Penkala, scissors. I need scissors. You got scissors?
:'''Penkala''': What the hell I need scissors for?
:'''Doc Roe''': Got your aid kit? Right, well, you don't need this. Not yet. I do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:John Martin (soldier)|Martin]]''': Hey, Frank, you keep cleaning those teeth the Germans are going to see you a mile away. Shoot ya dead.
:'''[[w:Frank Perconte|Perconte]]''': ''[brushing teeth]'' That's right, Pee Wee, you keep laughin'. 
:'''[[w:Wayne Sisk|Sisk]]''': ''[Doc Roe shows up]'' Hey, Doc. ''[Roe opens Perconte's pack and starts dumping it out]''
:'''Perconte''': Doc, that's my stuff. Aww, come on, Doc...
:'''Doc Roe''': What, you got a drug store in here?
:'''Perconte''': No, I ''own'' my stuff! Well, what are you looking for?
:'''Doc Roe''': Scissors. ''[Pockets the scissors]'' Thank you, Perconte.
:''[Doc Roe gets out of the foxhole and leaves. Perconte looks after him in disbelief.]''
:'''Perconte''': Took my goddamn scissors!
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Doc Roe''': You're a good nurse.
:'''Renee''': No. I never want to treat another wounded man again. I'd rather work in a butcher's shop.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Doc Roe''': Where are your boots?
:'''[[w:Joseph Toye|Toye]]''': In Washington, up [[w:Maxwell D. Taylor|General Taylor's]] ass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Richard Winters|Winters]]''': Harry. Fire's not a good idea. 
:'''[[w:Harry Welsh|Welsh]]''': Just a couple of minutes. We're in a dell. 
:'''Winters''': A dell? Like where fairies and gnomes live? 
:''[Nixon walks up]''
:'''[[w:Lewis Nixon (U.S. Army soldier)|Nixon]]''': I swear I thought I could smell a fire. I did smell a fire. Are you out of your mind? ''[starts warming his hands at the fire]''
:'''Winters''': Well, we're in a dell. 
:'''Nixon''': Huh?

== ''The Breaking Point'' == 
:'''[[w:Carwood_Lipton|Lipton]]''': ''[narrating]'' Where's Dike? I probably heard that question a thousand times. I probably asked it a few times myself. There were long stretches where we didn't know where Lieutenant Dike was. He'd disappear go off on his walks for hours at a time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lipton''':  ''[narrating]'' Heyliger might have made a good C.O., but before we got a chance to find out he was accidentally shot by a sentry. Then came Norman Dike. Dike wasn’t a bad leader because he made bad decisions. He was a bad leader because he made ''no'' decisions.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lipton''':  ''[narrating]'' Dike was a favorite of someone at Division. He'd been sent down to E-Company to get some combat experience. Sometimes we got the feeling E-Company was an annoyance to him.  Something unpleasant he had to get through before he could continue his march up the ladder.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Alex Penkala|Penkala]]''': ''[about Buck]'' &quot;Don't do anything stupid&quot;? Who the hell is he talking to? A bunch of morons who volunteered to jump out of a perfectly good airplane. Can you get any more stupid than that?
:'''[[w:George Luz|Luz]]''': Probably not.
:'''[[w:Warren Muck|Muck]]''': I swam across the Niagara once. 
:'''Penkala''': ''[sarcastically]'' Yeah.
:'''Muck''': I swear! On a bet.
:'''Luz''': What, in a barrel?
:'''Muck''': No... God... I didn't go over the falls, George. I swam across the river.
:'''Luz''': I don't know.
:'''Muck''': Ten miles up from the falls. I tell you: that current is damn strong.
:'''Penkala''': Oh, yeah.
:'''Muck''': Must have carried me at least 2 miles downstream before I got across. But, I got across. Now personally, I didn't think it was all that stupid, but my mom, my sister, Ruth... They gave me all kinds of hell.
:'''Luz''': Yeah, I bet, Muck.
:'''Muck''': So did Faye. ''[his girlfriend]''
:'''Luz''': Aah, sweet Faye Tanner...
:'''Muck''': Shut it, George.
:'''Penkala''': Well, they had a point - you're an idiot.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lipton''':  ''[narrating]'' Fear is poison in combat. Something we all felt, but you just didn't show. You can't. It's destructive, and it's contagious.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:William Guarnere|Guarnere]]''': ''[about Dike]'' Jesus Christ. Gotta go through all this, with a C.O.'s got his head so far up his fuckin' ass that the lump in his throat is his goddamn nose. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after Lt. Dyke has frozen up in the middle of an attack on the town of Foy]''
:'''[[w:Richard Winters|Winters]]''': ''[from the tree-line]'' Got to keep ''moving''! ''[begins to run out toward Easy Company's position]''
:'''[[w:Robert Sink|Col. Sink]]''' Captain. Captain! Captain Winters! Goddammit you do not go out there! You're the battalion commander, you get back here! ''[Winters stalks back past him]'' Now, Dick, I understand your attachment to Easy Company, but-
:'''Winters''': ''Speirs'', get yourself over here! ''[Lt. Speirs runs up]'' Get out there and relieve Dike and take that attack on in!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lipton''': ''[voiceover]'' On the report it said Compton was being taken off the line because of a bad case of trench foot. It didn’t say anything about him losing his friends. Buck was a great combat leader. He was wounded in Normandy and again in Holland. He received the Silver Star for his part in taking out those German guns on D-Day. He took everything the Krauts could throw at him, time and again. I guess he just couldn’t take seeking his friends Toye and Guarnere torn up like that. No one ever thought less of him for it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Ronald Speirs|Speirs]]''': You wanna know if they're true or not, the stories about me? Did you ever notice with stories like that, everyone says they heard it from someone who was there. Then when you ask that person, they say they heard it from someone who was there. It's nothing new, really. I bet if you went back two thousand years, you'd hear a couple centurions standing around yakkin' about how [[w:Tertius|Tertius]] lopped off the heads of some Carthaginian prisoners. 
:'''Lipton''': Well, maybe they kept talking about it because they never heard Tertius deny it. 
:'''Speirs''': Maybe that's because Tertius knew there was some value to the men thinking he was the meanest, toughest son of a bitch in the whole Roman Legion. ''[Turns to leave] ''
:'''Lipton''': Sir? These men aren't really concerned about the stories. They're just glad to have you as our CO. They're happy to have a good leader again.
:'''Speirs''': Well, from what I've heard, they've always had one. I've been told there's always been one man they could count on. Led them into the Bois Jacques, held them together when they had the crap shelled out of them in the woods. Every day, he kept their spirits up, kept the men focused, gave 'em direction... all the things a good combat leader does. You don't have any idea who I'm talking about, do you?
:'''Lipton''': No, sir.
:'''Speirs''': Hell, it was you, First Sergeant. Ever since Winters made Battalion, you've been the leader of Easy Company. Oh, and you're not going to be First Sergeant much longer, First Sergeant.
:'''Lipton''': Sir?
:'''Speirs''': Winters put you in for a battlefield commission, and Sink approved on your behalf. You should get the official notice in a few days. Congratulations, Lieutenant.

== ''The Last Patrol'' ==
:'''[[w:David Kenyon Webster|Webster]]''': Sergeant Lipton feeling all right?
:'''[[w:George Luz|Luz]]''': He's got pneumonia.
:'''Webster''': Sorry to hear that.
:'''Luz''': Ah, what are you sorry about? He's alive, got a couch, a goddamn blanket. Snug as a bug.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Roy Cobb|Cobb]]''': ''[to Webster, outside the communal showers]'' Has it been a long time since your last shower, professor?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Webster''': In war, soldiers sometimes die in the fever pitch of a fire fight, or by artillery when they’re huddled in a foxhole. Bill Kiehn, a Toccoa man, was killed because he was carrying a sack of potatoes from one building into another.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Webster''': How could anyone ever know of the price paid by soldiers in terror, agony and bloodshed if they'd never been to places like [[w:Operation Overlord|Normandy]], [[w:Siege of Bastogne|Bastogne]] or [[w:Operation Undertone|Haguenau]]?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Lewis Nixon (U.S. Army soldier)|Nixon]]''': Who are you?
:'''[[w:Henry Jones|Jones]]''': Lieutenant Jones, sir.
:'''Nixon''': Right, our West Pointer.
:'''Jones''': Yes, sir.
:'''Nixon''': When did you graduate?
:'''Jones''': June 6th, sir.
:'''Nixon''': June 6th? Of last year?
:'''Jones''': D-Day, yes, sir.
:'''Nixon''': ''[laughing sarcastically]'' All right, don't get hurt.

== ''Why We Fight'' ==
:'''Easy Company''': ''[singing]'' Is everybody happy? Cried the Sergeant looking up&lt;br&gt;Our hero feebly answered yes, and then they stood him up&lt;br&gt;He jumped into the icy blast, his static line unhooked&lt;br&gt;And he ain't gonna jump no more!&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Gory, gory, what a hell of a way to die!&lt;br&gt;Gory, gory, what a hell of a way to die!&lt;br&gt;Gory, gory, what a hell of a way to die!&lt;br&gt;He ain't gonna jump no more!&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The risers wrapped around his neck, connectors cracked his dome&lt;br&gt;Suspension lines were tied in knots around his skinny bones&lt;br&gt;The canopy became his shroud, he hurtled to the ground&lt;br&gt;And he ain't gonna jump no more!&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Gory, gory, what a hell of a way to die!&lt;br&gt;Gory, gory, what a hell of a way to die!&lt;br&gt;Gory, gory, what a hell of a way to die!&lt;br&gt;He ain't gonna jump no more!&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He hit the ground, the sound was SPLAT, his blood went spurting high&lt;br&gt;His comrades then were heard to say, A HELL OF A WAY TO DIE!&lt;br&gt;He lay there rolling round in the welter of his gore&lt;br&gt;He ain't gonna jump no more!&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Gory, gory, what a hell of a way to die!&lt;br&gt;Gory, gory, what a hell of a way to die!&lt;br&gt;He ain't gonna jump no more!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Several members of Easy Company watch German citizens clean up rubble from their town, while a string quartet somberly plays]''
:'''[[w:George Luz|Luz]]''': I'll tell you what, them Krauts sure clean up good.
:'''Liebgott''': Yup, all you need is a little [[Mozart]].
:'''[[w:Lewis Nixon (United States Army officer)|Nixon]]''': ''[Joins them]'' [[Beethoven]].
:'''Liebgott''': Sorry, sir?
:'''Nixon''': That's not Mozart. It's Beethoven.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''[[w:Richard Winters|Winters]]''': Got a visit from Colonel Sink this morning.
:'''Nixon''': And how is the good colonel?
:'''Winters''': Concerned. Still drinking nothing but the VAT 69, huh?
:'''Nixon''': Only the finest for Mrs. Nixon's baby boy.
:'''Winters''': That a problem up at regiment?
:'''Nixon''': What? This? Is that what he said? No, I just don't like it up there.
:'''Winters''': Good. You'll be happy to hear that Sink is transferring you back down to Battalion S-3.
:'''Nixon''': What do you think I should write to these parents, Dick?
:'''Winters''': Hear what I said, Nix? You've been demoted.
:'''Nixon''': Yeah, demoted. Got ya. 'Cause I don't know how to tell them their kids never made it out of the goddamn plane.
:'''Winters''': You tell them what you always tell them. Their sons died as heroes.
:'''Nixon''': You really still believe that?
:'''Winters''': Yeah. Yeah, I do. Don't you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Luz''': Hey, Janovek, what ya reading? 
:'''Janovek''': Um, an article. 
:'''Luz''': No shit. What's it about? 
:'''Janovek''': It's about why we're fightin' the war. 
:'''Luz''': Why're we fighting the war, Janovek? 
:'''Janovek''': It seems the Germans are bad, very bad. 
:'''Luz''': You don't say. The Germans are bad, huh? ''[turns to Perconte]'' Hey, Frank, this guy's reading an article over here that says that the ''Germans'' ''[sarcastic dramatic pause]'' are ''bad''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Nixon''': Hitler's dead.
:'''Liebgott''': Holy shit.
:'''Nixon''': Shot himself in Berlin.
:'''[[w:Denver Randleman|Bull]]''': Is the war over, sir?
:'''Nixon''': No. We have orders to [[w:Berchtesgaden|Berchtesgaden]]. We're gonna move out in one hour.
:'''[[w:David Kenyon Webster|Webster]]''': Why? The man's not home. Should've killed himself three years ago, saved us a lot of trouble.
:'''Nixon''': Yeah, he should've. But he didn't.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Winters''': ''[about the concentration camp's prisoners]'' Can you ask him, uh, ask him what kind of camp this is? Um, what, ah, why are they here?
:'''Liebgott''': ''Was ist das hier?''
:'''Prisoner''': ''Das, das, das, das hier, das... das ist ein arbeitslager für unerwunschte wirklich.''
:'''Liebgott''':  He says, it's a work camp for, ''Unerwunschte''. I'm not sure what the word means, sir. Uh, unwanted, disliked maybe?
:'''Nixon''': ''[guessing]'' Criminals?
:'''Liebgott''': I don't think criminals, sir. Uh, ''verbrecher''? 
:'''Prisoner:''': ''Verbrecher? Nein, nein.''
:'''Liebgott''': No
:'''Prisoner:''': ''Ärzte, musiker, beamter, bauern...''
:'''Liebgott''': Doctors, musicians...
:'''Prisoner:''': ''Schreiber, schneider, intellektuelle...''
:'''Liebgott''': tailors, clerks, farmers, intellectuals. I mean, normal people.
:'''Prisoner:''': ''Juden. Juden. Juden.''
:'''Liebgott''': ''[softly]'' They're Jews.
:'''Prisoner:''': ''Polen, Zigeuner...''
:'''Liebgott''': Poles, Gypsies
:'''Prisoner:''': ''Aber Ich glaub das schlimm, das Frauenlager ist bei der nexte bahnstation dort hin.''
:'''Liebgott''': ''Wie bitte, was sagen sie?''
:'''Prisoner:''': ''Das das Frauenlager bei der nexte bahnstation.'' ''[The prisoner wanders away, weeping]'' 
:'''Winters''': Liebgott?
:'''Liebgott''': ...The women’s camp is at the next railroad stop.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After finding a concentration camp, Easy Company has returned to the nearby town and is clearing out a bakery, intending to provide the confiscated food and goods to the camp's inmates. The owner of the bakery is shouting angrily at the paratroopers in German, demanding that they put everything back.]''
:'''Webster''': Shut up.
:''[The baker keeps shouting.]''
:'''Webster''': Shut ''up''!
:''[The baker continues shouting, ignoring Webster.]''
:'''Webster''': ''[Draws his sidearm]'' Shut up, you Nazi ''fuck''! ''[Grabs the baker, aiming the pistol at him]''
:'''Baker''': ''Ich bin kein Nazi!'' (I am not a Nazi!)
:'''Webster''': Oh, you're not a Nazi? My mistake, you fat fucking prick. What about a human being? Are you one of those, or are you going to tell me that you never smelled the fucking stench? ''[of the nearby concentration camp]''
:'''Baker''': ''Toeten sie mich nicht, bitte toeten sie mich nicht, ich verstehe nicht was du da sagst'' (Don't kill me, please don't kill me, I don't know what you're saying)
:'''[[w:Jospeh Lesniewski|Lesniewski]]''': Leave him alone, Web, he says he doesn't know what the hell you're talking about.
:'''Webster''': Bullshit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[O' Keefe is humming &quot;She'll Be Coming Around the Mountain&quot;]''
:'''[[w:Frank Perconte|Perconte]]''': Hey, O'Brien. Shut up!
:'''O' Keefe''': I told you, it's O'Keefe.
:'''Perconte''': Do you know why no one remembers your name? It's because no one ''wants'' to remember your name. There's too many Smiths, DiMattos and O'Keefes and O'Briens, who show up here, replacing Toccoa men that you dumb replacements got killed in the first place! And they're all like you! They're all piss and vinegar. &quot;Where're the Krauts at? Let me at 'em! When do I get to jump into Berlin?&quot; Two days later, there they are with their blood and guts hanging out and they're screaming for a medic, begging for their goddamn mother. Dumb fucks don't even know they're dead yet. Hey, you listening to me? Do you understand this is the best part of the fucking war I've seen? I've got hot chow, hot showers, warm bed. Germany is almost as good as being home. I even got to wipe my own ass with real toilet paper today. So, quit asking about when you're gonna see real action, will you?! And stop with the fucking love songs!
:[''both are silent for a while'']
:'''Perconte''': When did you ship out? A few weeks ago?
:'''O' Keefe''': Yeah.
:'''Perconte''': It's been two years since I've seen home. Two ''years''. This fucking war.

== ''Points'' ==
:'''[[w:Richard Winters|Winters]]''': Listen up. You ready for it? ''[pause]'' German Army surrendered.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Members of Easy Company are going hunting. Shifty Powers misses a chance to shoot a deer]''
:'''[[w:Frank Perconte|Perconte]]''': Dammit, Shifty! The Army's going to be glad to get rid of you.
:'''[[w:Darrell Powers|Shifty]]''': I wish, you know? Turns out, they want me to stay for a while.
:'''Malarky''': Are you serious?
:'''Shifty''': Yup.
:'''Malarky''': How many points are you short?
:'''Shifty''': Fifteen.
:'''Malarky''': ''Fifteen''? Jesus Christ, I thought ''I'' had it bad.
:'''Shifty''': No Purple Hearts, never was injured.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''German Colonel''': I wonder what will happen to us – to people like you and me – when there are no more wars to occupy us?
:'''Winters''': Have all your men collect the weapons, deposit them at the church and the school, and at the airfield.
:'''Colonel''': Very well. ''[Draws his sidearm, offers it to Winters butt-first]'' Please accept this as my personal surrender, Major. It is better than to lay it on the desk of a clerk.
:'''Winters''': ''[considers]'' You may keep your sidearm, Colonel.
:''[Colonel assents, salutes]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Captain Sobel, now outranked by Winters, happens to be walking by while Winters is sitting in his Jeep. Sobel pretends to not notice Winters.]''
:'''Winters''': Captain Sobel.
:'''[[w:Herbert Sobel|Sobel]]''': Major Winters. ''[Tries to keep walking]''
:'''Winters''': Captain Sobel... we salute the rank, not the man. 
:''[Sobel slowly turns and salutes]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Liebgott''': ''[translating a German general's speech]'' Men, it's been a long war, it's been a tough war. You've fought bravely, proudly for your country. You're a special group. You've found in one another a bond that exists only in combat, among brothers. You've shared [[w:foxhole|foxholes]], held each other in dire moments. You've seen death and suffered together. I'm proud to have served with each and every one of you. You all deserve long and happy lives in peace.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Winters''': ''[Narrating]'' Buck Compton came back to see the company to let everyone know he was alright. He became a prosecutor in Los Angeles. He convicted Sirhan Sirhan in the murder of Robert Kennedy, and was later appointed to the California Court of Appeals. David Webster became a writer for the ''Saturday Evening Post'' and ''Wall Street Journal'', and later wrote a book about sharks. In 1961, he went out on the ocean alone, and was never seen again. Johnny Martin would return to his job at the railroad, and then start his own construction company. He splits his time between Arizona and a place in Montana. George Luz became a handyman in Providence, Rhode Island. As a testament to his character, 1,600 people attended his funeral in 1998. &quot;Doc&quot; Rowe died in Louisiana in 1998. He'd been a construction contractor. Frank Perconte returned to Chicago, and worked a postal route as a mailman. Joe Liebgott returned to San Francisco, and drove his cab. Bull Randleman was one of the best soldiers I ever had. He went into the earth-moving business in Arkansas. He's still there. Alton Moore returned to Wyoming with a unique souvenir: Hitler's personal photo albums. He died in a car accident, in 1958. Floyd Talbert, we all lost touch with in civilian life, until he showed up for a reunion just before his death in 1981. How we lived our lives after the war was as varied as each man. Carwood Lipton became a glass-making executive in charge of factories all over the world. He has a nice life in North Carolina. Harry Welsh, he married Kitty Grogan, and became an administrator for the Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania School System. Ronald Spiers stayed in the Army. He served in Korea, and in 1958, returned to Germany as governor of Spandau Prison. He retired a Lieutenant Colonel. 

:''[Winters gathers Easy Company to inform them of Japan's surrender, ending World War II]'' For Easy Company, it was D-Day plus 434. Regardless of points, medals, or wounds, each man in the 101st Airborne would be going home. Each of us would be forever connected by our shared experience, and each would have to rejoin the world as best he could. Lewis Nixon had some tough times after the war. He was divorced a couple of times, then, in 1956, he married a woman named Grace and everything came together for him. He spent the rest of his life with her, traveling the world. My friend Lew died in 1995. I took up his job offer, and was a personnel manager at the Nixon Nitration Works, until I was called back into service in 1950 to train officers and Rangers. I chose not to go to Korea; I'd had enough of war. I stayed around Hershey, Pennsylvania, finally finding a little farm, a little peaceful corner of the world, where I still live today. And there is not a day that goes by that I do not think of the men I served with who never got to enjoy the world without war.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Carwood Lipton|Lipton]]''': [[w:Henry V of England|Henry V]] was talking to his men. He said, &quot;from this day to the ending of the world... we in it shall be remembered. We lucky few, we band of brothers. For he who today shed his blood with me shall be my brother.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Winters''': ''[quoting from a letter Mike Ranney wrote to him]'': &quot;I cherish the memories of a question my grandson asked me the other day, when he said: 'Grandpa, were you a hero in the war?' Grandpa said, 'No. But I served in the company of heroes.'&quot;

== Taglines ==
* They depended on each other, and the world depended on them.

* There was a time when the world asked ordinary men to do extraordinary things.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Damian Lewis|Damian Lewis]] - Maj. [[w:Richard Winters|Richard Winters]] 
* [[w:Ron Livingston|Ron Livingston]] - Capt. [[w:Lewis Nixon (U.S. Army soldier)|Lewis Nixon]]  
* [[w:Matthew Settle|Matthew Settle]] - Capt. [[w:Ronald Speirs|Ronald Speirs]]  
* [[w:David Schwimmer|David Schwimmer]] - Capt. [[w:Herbert Sobel|Herbert Sobel]] 
* [[w:Rick Warden|Rick Warden]] - 1st Lt. [[w:Harry Welsh|Harry Welsh]]  
* [[w:Neal McDonough|Neal McDonough]] - 1st Lt. [[Lynn Compton|Lynn &quot;Buck&quot; Compton]] 
* [[w:Donnie Wahlberg|Donnie Wahlberg]] -2nd Lt. [[w:Carwood Lipton|C. Carwood Lipton]]
* [[w:Ross McCall|Ross McCall]] - Cpl. Joseph Liebgott 
* [[w:Frank John Hughes|Frank John Hughes]] - SSgt. [[w:William Guarnere|William &quot;Wild Bill&quot; Guarnere]]  
* [[w:Scott Grimes|Scott Grimes]] - TSgt. [[Donald Malarkey]]  
* [[w:Rick Gomez|Rick Gomez]] - TSgt. [[w:George Luz|George Luz]]  
* [[w:Simon Pegg|Simon Pegg]] - 1st Sgt. [[w:William Evans|William Evans]] 
* [[w:Eion Bailey|Eion Bailey]] - Pfc. [[w:David Kenyon Webster|David Kenyon Webster]] 
* [[w:James Madio|James Madio]] - TSgt. [[w:Frank Perconte|Frank Perconte]]  
* [[w:Kirk Acevedo|Kirk Acevedo]] - SSgt. [[w:Joseph Toye|Joseph Toye]]  
* [[w:Michael Cudlitz|Michael Cudlitz]] - Sgt. [[w:Denver Randleman|Denver &quot;Bull&quot; Randleman]]
* [[w:Tim Matthews|Tim Matthews]] - PFC [[w:Alex Penkala|Alex Penkala]]
* [[w:Marc Warren|Marc Warren]] - Pvt. [[w:Albert Blithe|Albert Blithe]]
* [[w:Dale Dye|Dale Dye]] - Col. [[w:Robert F. Sink|Robert F. Sink]]
* [[w:Colin Hanks|Colin Hanks]] - 2nd LT Henry Jones
* [[w:Dexter Fletcher|Dexter Fletcher]] - SSgt. John Martin
* [[w:Matthew Leitch|Matthew Leitch]] - 1Sgt. Floyd &quot;Tab&quot; Talbert
* [[w:Jason O'Mara|Jason O'Mara]] - 1st LT Thomas Meehan
* [[Tom Hardy]] - PVT John Janovec
* [[w:Jamie Bamber|Jamie Bamber]] - 2nd LT Jack E. Foley
* [[w:Phil McKee|Phil McKee]] - Lt. Col. Robert L. Strayer

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0185906|title=Band of Brothers}}
* ''[http://www.thosewahlbergmen.com/movies/bandofbrothers.html| Band of Brothers]'' transcripts at http://www.thosewahlbergmen.com

[[Category:HBO shows]]
[[Category:Military drama TV shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Television programs based on books]]
[[Category:Television series based on actual events]]
[[Category:American TV miniseries]]
[[Category:Nazis in television]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Without a Trace</title>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-26T22:12:10Z</timestamp>
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      <text bytes="38862" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Without a Trace|Without a Trace]]''''' (2002-2009) is a television show about the Missing Persons Squad of the Federal Bureau of Investigation in New York City. CBS aired the final episode on May 19, 2009 and was cancelled after 7 seasons.

== Season 1 ==
=== ''Pilot'' [1.1] ===
:'''Jack''': As you all know, we have a new member of the team joining us today&amp;mdash;Martin Fitzgerald. Let's make sure we give him the frosty welcome that all rookies deserve.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Danny''': Two years working white-collar in Seattle and he gets this assignment? 
:'''Samantha''': Doesn't hurt to be Victor Fitzgerald's kid. 
:'''Danny''': Mmm. No wonder he's smiling. 
:'''Samantha''': Not a bad smile, either.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jack''': I was surprised that your father didn't call me about you. 
:'''Martin''': I asked him to stay out of it. I don't want any preferential treatment. 
:'''Jack''': Good, 'cause you're don't have anything to getting any.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Martin''': I think he's sleeping with her. The way he talks about her and she's climbing that corporate ladder pretty quick.
:'''Jack''': He may be in love with her, but he's not sleeping with her. Never even thought about it. 
:''[Martin shoots a questioning look at Jack.]''
:'''Jack''': He's gay.
:'''Martin''': What, because he called her a 'fireball'?
:'''Jack''': No, 'cause he was checking you out. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The team is watching a surveillance video.]''
:'''Vivian''': What time was that taken? 
:'''Danny''': 2:32 A.M. 
:'''Vivian''': Where's she going? 
:'''Danny''': Maybe it's a booty call. 
:'''Samantha''': Your mind is always in the gutter. There was no call.
:'''Danny''': Tom Wilkins, 11:48.
:'''Martin''': In my experience, there's usually not a three-hour lag between the call and the, uh&amp;hellip;delivery.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jack''': Hey, Frankie. How you doing?
:'''Frankie''': Ah, bum knee, too much alimony&amp;hellip;Other than that, I'm peachy. 

=== ''Birthday Boy'' [1.2] ===
:'''Danny''': This would have never happened at Shea.
:'''Vivian''': It's so sad how bitter Mets fans are.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Martin''': So, you want me here? 
:'''Jack''': Break major protocol on the first day, that's what happens. 
:''[Jack leaves.]''
:'''Martin''': How long does it take to get out of his dog house? 
:'''Danny''': Depends on the dog. 
:''[Danny leaves.]'' 
:'''Samantha''': Don't mind Danny. He's just, uh, marking his territory.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jack''': Look, I've worked hundreds of these cases and certain patterns develop. Now, I sorry that I not like the pattern, but I can't ignore them. You want to know what those patterns are? When a child goes missing, whoever claims to have seen them last is usually the one that took them; and if that person happens to be one of the parents, the incidence doubles. Now my gut says you're okay, but I don't know you. I'm trying to get to know you so that I can help you, but I can't help you unless you earn my trust.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Martin has been fielding calls about the team's latest case, and marking locations on a map.]''
:'''Samantha''': Lots of little red dots. 
:'''Martin''': Phone's ringing every 15 seconds. Must be a lot of little brown-haired kids unaccounted for. Look, I know people are trying to be helpful but&amp;hellip;for example, this lady? She keeps calling me. She's convinced that she saw Gabe on T.V. this morning ringing the bell to open the stock exchange. 
:'''Samantha''': Trouble is, just when you think you've got every nutcase in America calling your number that's the exact moment you get a live one. 
:'''Martin''': Well, one better come in soon, 'cause I'm running out of push-pins.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Martin has just tackled a suspect, and they have both landed in a pond.]''
:'''Jack''': Where did you learn that? White collar?
:'''Martin''': No, sixth grade swim class. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Samantha''': Heard you got a little wet. 
:'''Martin''': Been sweating my ass off in the doghouse.

=== ''He Saw, She Saw'' [1.3] ===
:'''Martin''': So I've got three composites on our suspect. 
:'''Samantha''': White, maybe not white. Brown-haired or balding. Bearded man with a mustache. 
:'''Danny''': You got to love eyewitnesses. Me, I'll take an old-fashioned grainy security video any day of the week.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jack''': Well, the wife goes missing, the husband's the last one to see her. We don't need to talk about those percentages, do we? 
:'''Vivian''': I love the way your brain works. Always goes to the darkside.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Samantha''': He's in love with her. 
:'''Jack''': Probably. 
:'''Samantha''': Think Duncan knows? 
:'''Jack''': Probably. 
:'''Samantha''': Maybe a safe place for her to land. He's familiar. He's got just as much to lose as she does. 
:'''Jack''': I don't know. She lost a child. If she was looking for an escape, she probably picked somebody that was completely separate from her real life. 
:'''Samantha''': Is that from your infidelity handbook? 
:'''Jack''': Chapter three. 
:'''Samantha''': Well, I hate to contradict the book, but if you're wrong, it leaves Duncan plenty of motive. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jeff Blye''': Agent Malone, I would like it to be noted that my client is cooperating fully in this investigation. 
:'''Jack''': Apart from hiding every crucial piece of information your client has been ''very'' cooperative and we'll be sure to make a note of that. 

=== ''Between the Cracks'' [1.4] ===
:''[Samantha is looking through Eve's modeling photos.]''
:'''Samantha''': Eve Cleary as J-Lo. Eve Cleary as Britney. Who the hell are we looking for?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Danny and Martin are discussing the condition of an apartment.]''
:'''Danny''': Here's what eighteen hundred gets you in the city.
:'''Martin''': Aw, come on, they can't all be this bad.
:'''Danny''': You're right&amp;mdash;most of the time the bathtub's in the kitchen. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jack''': Well, it's a big city out there. I think if you grow up here, you take it for granted. 
:'''Vivian''': You're right. 
:'''Jack''': Wonder how many girls are all like Eve? They come to this town full of hope but really, they're just these tiny pebbles that get thrown into a lake so big they barely leave a ripple. You know, it's amazing. Chet Collins is so desperate to find out anything about his son, but we can't find one person who noticed Eve was missing. 
:'''Vivian''': Jack, about Chet Collins&amp;mdash;I don't think you should give up. 
:'''Jack''': Sometimes I wish I could. 
:'''Vivian''': No, you don't. You're a hope junkie, like the rest of us. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jack''': Trevor Haines is a con artist. He read about your son's case on-line. He memorized some details and he made up the rest. He's done it before, Chet. Several times. I'm truly sorry. 
:'''Chet Collins''': Feels like drowning, Jack&amp;hellip;like drowning so slowly you don't even realize what's happening. Well, I-I have to go. I can't let Sean go, but&amp;hellip;you know, each time&amp;hellip;each time I'm scared that I might not be able to hang on. 
:'''Jack''': You can hang on to me. 

=== ''Suspect'' [1.5] ===
:'''Judge Adderley''': Gentlemen, I got to tell you, this guy Spaulding sounds like real scum. I hope you can put him away for the rest of his miserable life and I'll be glad to help you do that&amp;hellip;as soon as you appear before me with constitutionally-obtained evidence. Now, just so you understand Agents Taylor and Malone, you may not enter a house without a search warrant under the flimsiest of exigent circumstances and then bootstrap that questionable entry into a fishing expedition for other evidence. ''[to Danny]'' And you, son&amp;mdash;you had no right to continue the search after finding that dog. You had no right to open the photo album and you certainly had no right to remove it from the premises. And you have absolutely no right to an arrest warrant based on the photographs found therein. Make sense?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jack''': I meant what I said before, Graham. You care about these kids. That's why you took Andy under your wing. He was confused, vulnerable. You were the only one who understood him.
:'''Graham Spaulding''': Is that right?
:'''Jack''': I think so. But then he turned on you, didn't he? I know how that feels. Know how&amp;hellip;painful that can be. You pour yourself into someone&amp;mdash;your time, energy, and devotion. You give them everything they need to grow and then they just abandon you.
:'''Graham Spaulding''': Are you speaking from experience?
:'''Jack''': Sure. You love someone&amp;hellip;you make love to someone&amp;hellip;you give your life to them and then they don't even look at you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jack''': I know about the other boy.
:'''Graham Spaulding''': What other boy?
:'''Jack''': This kid. The young, scrawny, frightened, lonely kid. The kid who only wanted love and approval. I know his pain. I know that boy.
:'''Graham Spaulding''': Do you?
:'''Jack''': Yes. I do. And I know that you want to put that boy out of his misery. You know, Graham, your father wasn't a strong man. He wasn't supportive man. He was a weak, cowardly, sadistic bastard. I know he used to touch you and I know you used to beg him to stop.
:'''Graham Spaulding''': You believe whatever you want. You don't know anything about my father.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jack''': You know, I've been giving something a lot of thought. It's occurred to me that&amp;hellip;in some ways, I envy you.
:'''Graham Spaulding''': You envy me?
:'''Jack''': Yes. The power&amp;hellip;that you have with those boys&amp;mdash;what that must feel like. 
:'''Graham Spaulding''': What boys?
:'''Jack''': Andy, Eric Lipinski, Robert Griffith. I know there have been others.
:'''Graham Spaulding''': There have been many.
:'''Jack''': Do me a favor, Graham. Tell me what it's like&amp;hellip;the moment that you take them out. Tell me. You can see the terror in their eyes, right? You can feel their hearts racing. You can feel the cold sweat under your hands just before you stick the needle in. It must be such a rush. Martin,  put the CD in.
:''[Martin plays the CD; Moby's &quot;One of These Mornings&quot; begins playing.]''
:'''Jack''': Andy made this CD for Phoebe. He wanted her to think about him when he wasn't there. Is that what you wanted? Is that why you stole it? You wanted to think about him. Is it what you two listened to when you were together?
:'''Graham Spaulding''': No.
:'''Jack''': No, that's right, that's right. That's right, you never got a chance. You never got a chance to go back to him because he's still out there. He's waiting. It must be hard. It must be hard knowing that he's out there&amp;hellip;waiting. The touch of his skin, the feel of him under you. I understand you, Graham, I do. I've been to that school. I've seen those beautiful boys. Their beautiful bodies&amp;hellip;to hold all that innocence in your arms&amp;hellip;to take&amp;hellip;the power. It must be really frustrating knowing that Andy is out there waiting for you&amp;hellip;waiting&amp;hellip;waiting&amp;hellip;waiting and you can't get back to him. You can't be with him one last time. But I tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to give you fifteen minutes with him, if you tell me where he is.
:'''Graham Spaulding''': You'd do that?
:'''Jack''': I'll give you fifteen minutes with him&amp;hellip;alone. You can do whatever you want. 
:'''Graham Spaulding''': Fifteen minutes.
:'''Jack''': Whatever you want.
''[They find Andy]''
:'''Graham Spaulding''': Agent Malone, do I get my fifteen minutes now?
:'''Jack''': Your fifteen minutes are over.
''[Jack throws up after he walks away from Spalding]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''Silent Partner'' [1.6] ===
:'''Jack''': Five A.M.&amp;mdash;Danny's up early.
:'''Samantha''': That's assuming he went to bed. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jack''': Great. Martin, you're on your way to San Diego to liaise with Danny.
:'''Vivian''': ''[to Martin]'' Don't forget your surf gear.
:''[Martin leaves.]''
:'''Vivian''': Should we send a referee?
:'''Jack''': Nah, let 'em duke it out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jack''': The boys just called from San Diego. Patrick hasn't lived in that corporate apartment for months.
:'''Vivian''': There's no hotel charges on his credit card statements.
:'''Jack''': Well, Mr. Brooks Brothers's not living out of his car.
:'''Vivian''': That's just it. He's only Mr. Brooks Brothers on the east coast. New York, he's Noble, Ralph Lauren, Tiffany's; but in San Diego, it's Denny's and discount outlets.
:'''Jack''': Two lives.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Danny''': Somewhere far, far away, Martha Stewart weeps. Looks like our boy Patrick went to the mattresses. 
:''[They knock on a door. A woman answers]''
:'''Danny''': Hi. Sorry to bother you. We're with the FBI. 
:'''Martin''': ''[holding up a photo]'' Have you seen this man before? 
:'''Amalia Kent''': Yes. This is my husband.   
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Danny''': A plane is not supposed to be in the sky. It's not natural.
:'''Martin''': Neither was that flight attendant and you weren't afraid of her.

=== ''Snatch Back'' [1.7] ===

=== ''Little Big Man'' [1.8] ===

=== ''In Extremis'' [1.9] ===
:'''Martin''': Look, profiles aren't flawless but they exist for a reason. I mean, come on, we use them everyday. 
:'''Samantha''': Oh, look, pediatrics. Maybe he's a pedophile too.

=== ''Midnight Sun'' [1.10] ===
:'''Jack''': So what are you thinking?
:'''Danny''': He's got an ex-con working for him. Maybe this whole Laundromat, dry-cleaner thing is a front.
:'''Jack''': For what?
:'''Danny''': I don't know. Drugs, diamonds&amp;hellip;illegal ferrets&amp;hellip;

=== ''Maple Street'' [1.11] ===

=== ''Underground Railroad'' [1.12] ===
:''[Danny and Martin are watching a hospital surveillance video.]''
:'''Danny''': We have a doctor, a man in a wheelchair, a pregnant woman that's not her&amp;hellip;a fat guy in a robe, a nurse&amp;hellip;
:'''Martin''': Is it important that you narrate?
:'''Danny''': You know, I'm sorry, I forgot&amp;hellip;you can't think and listen at the same time, and&amp;hellip;
:'''Martin''': That's pretty good for someone who can't think without speaking.

=== ''Hang On to Me'' [1.13] ===

=== ''The Friendly Skies'' [1.14] ===
:'''Martin''': She's having guy troubles, blows off her job, heads out for a night on the town. And that bar is a major pick up place.
:'''Vivian''': How would you know?
:'''Martin''': I hear things.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Martin''': ''[Talking about Samantha and Eric Keller]'' Is there something going on between those two?
:'''Danny''': Used to be.
:'''Martin''': Really? That's her type, huh?
:'''Danny''': Hey, are you jealous?
:'''Martin''': Jealous? What, are you crazy?
:'''Danny''': Okay. Guess I'm crazy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Samantha''': You think it's easy being surrounded by guys with guns all day?
:'''Martin''': I thought you liked guys with guns.
:'''Samantha''': I like the guns.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Martin''': Samantha&amp;hellip;you, uh, you got time to grab a drink?
:'''Samantha''': Oh, I've&amp;hellip;I&amp;mdash;I told Keller I'd meet him. But, I mean, you're welcome to come with us if&amp;hellip;
:'''Martin''': No, no, that's all right. No, you guys go ahead. Thanks.
:'''Samantha''': Okay, well, maybe some other time?
:'''Martin''': Yeah, some other time. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Danny''': Morning, hot stuff.
:'''Samantha''': Good morning to you. Late night last night?
:'''Danny''': A man's got to do.
:'''Samantha''': Yeah? Who's the lucky?
:'''Danny''': I don't kiss and tell, you know that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Martin''': You and, uh, &quot;Delia&quot;&amp;mdash;fuzzy boundaries. 
:'''Samantha''': Well, that's how I like my relationships&amp;mdash;nice and complicated.

=== ''There Goes the Bride'' [1.15] ===
:''[Jack is talking to an auctioneer after his daughter's kidnapping.]''
:'''Jack''': Why didn't you contact us when you got the call?
:'''Mr. Beckworth''': I thought I could handle it myself.
:'''Jack''': Yeah, with your extensive knowledge of selling Ming vases?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Martin''': I guess love is blind. And deaf. And very, very dumb. 
:'''Jack''': Spoken like a true romantic.
:'''Martin''': What? You going to tell me you still buy into it?
:'''Jack''': Sure, marriage, kids, the whole nine yards. ''[Martin looks skeptical]'' I didn't say I was good at it. I just said I was a fan.

=== ''Clare de Lune'' [1.16] ===
:'''Danny''': I can understand why you want to be alone. It's nice here. Clare, I understand why you feel the way you do. I lost both my parents when I was eleven. We were driving somewhere and they were fighting. My dad was yelling at my mom. He used to like to yell at my mom. I wanted him to stop, so I said something. Then he turned around, and he yelled at me. That's when the car started to swerve. I never told anybody that. Ever. And I know what it's like to keep a secret. I didn't mean to do anything wrong that day. I was just a kid&amp;hellip;

=== ''Kam Li'' [1.17] ===
:'''Martin''': Hi, dad.
:'''Victor Fitzgerald''': So how's my boy doing? They giving him a hard time because of his old man?
:'''Jack''': I don't know, are we?
:'''Martin''': Constantly.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Martin's father has just made a brusque exit.]''
:'''Jack''': Didn't even wait for me to say, &quot;Yes, sir.&quot;
:'''Martin''': He never does.

=== ''The Source'' [1.18] ===
:'''Jack''': Who the hell's Hilary Duff?
:'''Maria''': Her, um&amp;hellip;latest obsession.

=== ''Victory for Humanity'' [1.19] ===
:'''Martin''': Why is it that no one in a walkup ever lives on the first two floors?
:'''Danny''': Vampires.
:'''Martin''': Really?
:'''Danny''': Yeah, they have all the lower apartments all to themselves.
:'''Martin''': No direct sunlight, right?
:'''Danny''': Exactly. Plus, they live to be 106 years old, so the apartments never turn around.
:'''Martin''': Oh, that's good to know. 

=== ''No Mas'' [1.20] ===
:'''Danny''': ''[to a suspect]'' That's 100 points for lying to a federal officer.
:'''Samantha''': Don't stop now, you almost have enough for the dinette set. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Danny''': I gotta tell you, I don't understand why anyone would come all the way out here just to get in shape. I got 19 gyms a block away from my apartment&amp;hellip;
:'''Samantha''': You also have three Gentleman's Clubs within walking distance.
:'''Danny''': Yes. I like a little variety in my workout. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Samantha''': You train every waking hour, you get beat in the head for a living, all the money you win gets stolen by some corrupt manager, and the benefits are what? Getting to wear satin shorts to work?
:'''Danny''': Don't knock it 'til you try it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vivian''': Buying a dream house, talking about starting a family&amp;hellip; Doesn't sound like a guy who was planning to run.
:'''Martin''': Want to know the part I heard? This guy felt trapped by his life and he wanted a clean start.
:'''Viv''': You sound pretty convinced.
:'''Martin''': Just speaking from experience.

=== ''Are You Now Or Have You Ever Been?'' [1.21] ===
:'''Danny''': How did he find out that I roughed up Radio, huh?
:'''Martin''': I didn't say a word about that.
:'''Danny''': Right.
:'''Martin''': Oh, come on, Danny, you only bragged to half the office about it. How the hell do you think he heard?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Danny''': Good luck, man. 
:'''Martin''': Thanks. 
:'''Danny''': Martin&amp;hellip;
:''[Martin turns around.]'' 
:'''Danny''': When this is all over, and you and I are looking for our next gig, I just want you to know that I&amp;mdash;I think we make a hell of a team. 
:'''Martin''': What, selling shoes?
:'''Danny''': Shoes, boots, pumps, whatever.
:'''Martin''': Sounds good to me.

=== ''Fall Out (Part 1)'' [1.22] ===

=== ''Fall Out (Part 2)'' [1.23] ===
:''[Martin is on the phone with Jack, who is inside a bookstore with a suspect.]''
:'''Martin''': I'll take care of it.
:''[Martin hangs up the phone and turns to the other agents.]''
:'''Martin''': Jack wants us to send in a pizza.

== Season 2 ==
=== ''The Bus'' [2.1] ===
:'''Samantha''': Do yourself a favor: don't get shot. It's not all it's cracked up to be.
:'''Martin''': I'll try my best.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Samantha''':  The kids are alright?
:'''Martin''': That's what Roger Daltry says.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Samantha''': You know how you said we should get a drink sometime?
:'''Martin''': Yeah.
:'''Samantha''': I could really use a drink.
:'''Martin''': Well, nothing worse than a beautiful woman drinking alone.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Vivian and Danny are watching Jack make a ransom drop.]''
:'''Vivian''': Well, he certainly looks as if he's old enough to have teenage kids. 
:'''Danny''': Definitely having a hard time with that bag. 
:'''Vivian''': He says he's been working out. I guess $5 million bucks weighs a lot. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Martin''': He's probably just protecting his kids.
:'''Samantha''': Yeah, remind me not to have any.
:'''Martin''': They don't all turn out to be psychopathic kidnappers, you know.
:'''Samantha''': Let me guess&amp;mdash;2.2, white picket fence, golden retriever.
:'''Martin''': Yeah, maybe. Something like that.
:'''Samantha''': Not for me. Not in this world.

=== ''Revelations'' [2.2] ===
:'''Martin''': This guy's an ex-con.
:'''Danny''': What?
:''[Martin holds out a box for Danny.]''
:'''Martin''': Prison art.
:'''Danny''':  What, did you do a nickel at Pelican Bay? 'Cause if you did, I'm going to be a whole lot nicer to you.

=== ''Confidence'' [2.3] ===
:'''Lucas Vohland''':''[To Martin, regarding Samantha]'' Is this your girlfriend?
:'''Samantha''': I'm his partner.
:'''Lucas Vohland''': You're a lot better looking than his last one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Samantha''': ''[regarding a golf cart]'' I'm driving.
:'''Martin''': No, I've seen you drive.
:'''Samantha''': I'm driving.
:'''Martin''': ''[grumbles]'' Oh, where's the airbag?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jack''': Smells like a brewery in here. 
:'''Martin''': Yeah, you noticed? 
:'''Danny''': What, is he still drunk? 
:'''Martin''': Nah, he's just fairly hung over.

=== ''Prodigy'' [2.4] ===

=== ''Copycat'' [2.5] ===

=== ''Our Sons and Daughters'' [2.6] ===

=== ''A Tree Falls'' [2.7] ===

=== ''Trip Box'' [2.8] ===

=== ''Moving On'' [2.9] ===
:'''Samantha''': I mean, this woman spends less than I do.
:'''Martin''': You need to get out more often.
:'''Samantha''': Yeah, don't remind me.

=== ''Coming Home'' [2.10] ===

=== ''Exposure'' [2.11] ===
:''[Jack confronts Vivian about the Reyes shooting]''
:'''Jack''': The report came back. [''pauses''] It cleared you both of any wrongdoing.
[''Vivian remains still'']
:'''Jack''': Vivian, I like working with you. ''But don't you '''ever''' lie to me again.''

=== ''Hawks and Handsaws'' [2.12] ===

=== ''Life Rules'' [2.13] ===

=== ''The Line'' [2.14] ===

=== ''Wannabe'' [2.15] ===
lol\

=== ''Risen'' [2.16] ===
&lt;b&gt;Jack:&lt;/b&gt; So we have sex addiction combined with a simulated rape fetish. Then I've got to believe that somebody messed with this kid somewhere down the line. Father, brother, uncle, someone.

=== ''Gung Ho'' [2.17] ===

=== ''Legacy'' [2.18] ===

=== ''Doppelganger'' [2.19] ===

=== ''Shadows'' [2.20] ===

=== ''Two Families'' [2.21] ===
:'''Andrea Wilson''': [''about the relatives of the murdered couple''] I don't judge them any more. They're caught up in all this. Just like we are.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sam''': Do you think Ricky is innocent?
:'''Deames''': I don't think he got a fair trial
:'''Sam''': That's not what I asked you.
:'''Deames''': I know.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sam''': I've known some people who've done things, things I've ''seen'' them do, that make me believe they deserve to die.
:'''Deames''': Okay, let's say these people do exist. Do you really want to be responsible for deciding, out of all of these criminals, who lives and who dies? Trouble is, nobody asked you. Because in this state, it's the Law that decides. It's the police officers and the district attorneys and the judges and they're human. When they're biased or corrupt or just ''lazy''  mistakes are made and people will die. And some of those people will be innocent.
[''both are silent''] 
:'''Deames''': I can see you have more faith in the system than I do.
:'''Sam''': Guess so.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[As they are walking down Death Row]''
:'''Guard''': They transfer them here a week before execution. After that, no letters, cards or phone calls. 24 hour suicide watch.
:'''Danny''': Suicide watch? No kidding.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jack''': Your state's about to execute someone. What's wrong with a little attention?

=== ''The Season'' [2.22] ===

=== ''Lost &amp; Found'' [2.23] ===
:''[Jack Malone and Samantha Spade awkwardly discuss his departure, and their old relationship. They speak quietly.]''
:'''Sam''': In another world, maybe....
:'''Jack''': Maybe...
''[There is a long pause.]''
:'''Jack''': I'm sorry if I ever hurt you.
:'''Sam''':''[pauses]'' Me too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Martin''': Yeah. Well, I guess old feelings die hard. 
:'''Samantha''':  They don't die. They just fade, and then you feel bad that they faded&amp;hellip;because you wonder&amp;hellip;you wonder what they meant when you had them.
:'''Martin''': Well, I guess if they didn't fade, there&amp;hellip;there wouldn't be room for new ones.
:'''Samantha''': No, I guess there wouldn't.

=== ''Bait'' [2.24] ===
:'''Samantha''': Damn, you are good.
:'''Martin''':''[smiles]'' You just noticed?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Martin''': I'd like to say that you're smarter than you looked but then I'd be lying.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sam''': Hey Martin?
:'''Martin''': Yeah?
:'''Sam''': Wanna share a cab?
:'''Martin''':''[gesturing in the opposite direction]'' I live uptown.
:'''Sam''': Yeah, I know.

== Season 3 ==
=== ''In the Dark'' [3.1] ===
:'''Samantha''': Well, you just got your head handed to you.
:'''Martin''': Wouldn't be the first time.
:'''Samantha''': I guess some things around here won't change to much, huh?
:'''Martin''': I was thinking some things will though.
:'''Samantha''':What do you mean?
:''[Pause]''
:'''Martin''': I mean you and me....We sort of got interrupted this morning.
:'''Samantha''': Yeah, we did.
:'''Martin''': I'll walk out ahead of you.

=== ''Thou Shalt Not'' [3.2] ===

(Danny runs to the man)

* '''Martin''': Danny! Danny! Oh I got him!
* '''Director''': Gimme!
* '''Martin''': Back! Thou, Shalt Not!
* '''Director''': I'm sowing you!
* '''Martin''': (angrily) That's ever not!
* '''Director''': Hear me?!
* '''Martin''': No!
* '''Director''': Seriously?!
* '''Martin''': Sit Director! (kicks this) Right now! (Danny grabs the director) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (punches Danny) YOU HAD MADE ME SO ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT!!!!!?!
* '''Director''': Yes.
* '''Martin''': NOW SIT YOU DAMN BUT DOWN OR YOU ARE FIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

=== ''Light Years'' [3.3] ===
:''[Martin and Samantha are interviewing an alien enthusiast.]''
:'''Duncan''': You're not, like, men in black?
:'''Samantha''': The movie?
:'''Martin''': You mean the government-alien conspiracy?
:'''Samantha''': ''[to Martin]'' Wait, what conspiracy?
:'''Martin''': Well, it's basically a pact between the gray aliens and the secret rebel faction of the government intent on destroying the human race.
:'''Samantha''': ''[amused]'' Really?
:'''Martin''': ''[serious]'' Yes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Duncan''': You're like the ''real'' Mulder and Scully, right? I mean, that's it, isn't it?
:'''Martin''': Yeah, that's us.
:'''Duncan''': Yes!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Samantha''': Wow, you should be in law enforcement.
:'''Martin''': I hear the hours are terrible.
:'''Samantha''': Yeah, but the benefits are pretty good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Martin''': My guess is that Teddy thinks it's an alien implant.
:'''Samantha''': An implant?
:'''Martin''': Yeah, it's a common fear among abductees that aliens implant them with a device of some kind in order to track their whereabouts.
:'''Samantha''': What, so they can re-abduct them?
:'''Martin''': Or read their minds. Control them remotely. There's a bunch of different theories. Look if Teddy fears that he has an implant, the run-in with the so-called men in black could only make things worse.
:'''Jack''': You seem to have quite extensive knowledge on the subject.
:'''Martin''': I might have done some reading.

=== ''Upstairs Downstairs'' [3.4] ===

=== ''American Goddess'' [3.5] ===
:'''Martin''': This girl is so desperate to be loved. Before American Goddess she was invisible. Now she's a celebrity.
:'''Vivian''': Yeah, for fifteen minutes.
:'''Martin''': That's true but the point is, guys are probably hitting on her all the time now. She's got zero experience. Some scumbag buys her a drink, she's going to think she's hit the lotto.
:'''Vivian''': So we're looking for a scumbag in New York City.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Danny''': This girl takes Fit and Thin. 
:'''Samantha''': So?
:'''Danny''': Well, Fit and Thin equals high maintenance. It usually comes with a cat, a fat best friend and a daddy complex.
:'''Samantha''': Your compassion is overwhelming.

=== ''Nickel &amp; Dimed - Part 1'' [3.6] ===
:'''Martin''': This case is really getting to you. 
:'''Samantha''': Yeah. 
:'''Martin''': Is it the kid? 
:'''Samantha''': It's all of it.

=== ''Nickel &amp; Dimed - Part 2'' [3.7] ===
:'''Martin''': You okay?
:'''Samantha''': I'm tired, but that's the good thing about not having a TV or a cell phone. Nothing to stop me from going to bed early.
:'''Martin''': Yeah, I've been getting a lot of sleep too.

=== ''Doppleganger Part 2 '' [3.8] ===

=== ''Trials'' [3.9] ===

=== ''Malone v. Malone'' [3.10] ===
:'''Jack''': It's no different than the chances of you getting hit by a bus when you walk out of this building.
:'''Maria's Lawyer''': So you're not concerned.
:'''Jack''': That you could get hit by a bus, not really.

=== ''4.0'' [3.11] ===

=== ''Penitence'' [3.12] ===

=== ''Volcano'' [3.13] ===

=== ''Neither Rain Nor Sleet'' [3.14] ===
:'''Danny''': So you and Marty seem&amp;hellip;well, you seem something. 
:'''Samantha''': Yeah, we are. 
:'''Danny''': That's good. It is good Sam. Why are you hiding it? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Samantha''': You wanna tell everyone, don't you? 
:'''Martin''': Look, Sam, you already know how I feel, and now Danny's asking. But this probably isn't the best time to talk about it. 
:'''Samantha''': Fine, we won't talk about it.

=== ''Party Girl'' [3.15] ===
:'''Martin''': You know  we could make a sex tape, post it online here, and you wouldn't have to tell anybody about us.
:'''Samantha''': That's cute. 
:'''Martin''': Think about it.

=== ''Manhunt'' [3.16] ===
:'''Samantha''': I am a woman whose slept with two men on the same team. If people find that out&amp;hellip;
:'''Martin''': Oh, is that all we're doing? Just sleeping together?

=== ''Lone Star'' [3.17] ===
:'''Danny''': You know, Martin. I see you and Sam in a place just like this one.
:'''Danny''': I do. Barbequing out back with the kids, Uncle Danny coming over to shoot some hoops.
:'''Martin''': I've seen your hook shot, you better start working on it now.
:'''Danny''': I'm unstoppable and you know it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Martin is going through some files and eating a sandwich when Danny walks up to his desk.]''
:'''Martin''': It's about time. I saved you half. 
:''[Danny takes a bite out of the sandwich.]''
:'''Martin''': I was talking about the files. 
:'''Danny''': Do you mind?

=== ''Transitions'' [3.18] ===

=== ''Second Sight'' [3.19] ===

=== ''The Bogie Man'' [3.20] ===

=== ''Off the Tracks'' [3.21] ===
:'''Jack''': Man, you look wired.
:'''Danny''': Wired? Wired is better than tired!

=== ''John Michaels'' [3.22] ===

=== ''Endgame'' [3.23] ===

== Season 4 ==
=== ''Showdown'' [4.1] ===
:''[Martin is unconscious in a hospital bed.]''
:'''Samantha''': I'm sorry I didn't come to see you sooner. I, ah, I guess I was scared to see you likelike this. I want you to know that I know that I haven't been very good about…being there for you. But I'm here now. And&amp;hellip;I'm not going anywhere until I know you're alright.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Victor Fitzgerald''': Was it a good shoot?
:'''Jack''': There's no such thing.

=== ''Safe'' [4.2] ===
:''[Samantha and Vivian are talking about a suspect.]''
:'''Vivian''': Wounded and cunning. Dangerous combination.
:'''Samantha''': Yeah.
:''[Martin, using a cane, walks over.]''
:'''Martin''': Talking about me?

=== ''From the Ashes'' [4.3] ===
:'''Samantha''': Listen. This is going to take time, okay? Why don't you just stop trying to fight it?
:'''Martin''': Does that advice come with a cookie?

=== ''Lost Time'' [4.4] ===

=== ''Honor Bound'' [4.5] ===

=== ''Viuda Negra'' [4.6] ===

=== ''The Innocents'' [4.7] ===

=== ''A Day in the Life'' [4.8] ===

=== ''Freefall'' [4.9] ===

=== ''When Darkness Falls'' [4.10] ===
:'''Martin''': I got a description of her clothes. Does it mean anything to you? Dress by Nicole Miller, shoes by Manolo Bl&amp;hellip;Blah&amp;hellip;Blahnik.
:'''Elena''': It's expensive in Italian. She's not poor, this girl.

=== ''Blood Out'' [4.11] ===

=== ''Patient X'' [4.12] ===

=== ''Rage'' [4.13] ===

=== ''Odds or Evens'' [4.14] ===

=== ''The Stranger'' [4.15] ===

=== ''The Little Things'' [4.16] ===

=== ''Check Your Head'' [4.17] ===
:'''Rachel''': I get it now okay?
:'''Jack''': I get why you could not stand me?
:'''Rachel''': Okay alright.
:'''Jack''': No ay least now the reason what you hate me. Look&amp;hellip;the only reason that you're laying here is because you don't know how to tell your&amp;hellip;your girlfriend that you like her.
:'''Rachel''': I heard you admited to her.
:'''Jack''': Like you were talking about cornflakes. You hate me. [rushes up the stairs]
Samantha I hate you.
Danny Wait a second. [they follows Jack]
Barry Okay we got a discussion Jack we are only figuring me out

=== ''The Road Home'' [4.18] ===
:'''Samantha:''' I get it now okay? I get why you can't stand me?!
:'''Martin:''' Okay alright.
:'''Samantha:''' No! at least now the reason why you hate me!! Like when I heard you admited to him like you we're... talking about cornflakes! You hate me! (rushes up the stairs)
:'''Martin:''' I've hate you? Wait second! (follows Samantha) Okay we got some problems girl but we're only figuring it out. Okay?
:'''Samantha:''' Oh that is bullshit! admit it!! You had sure when I wasn't here with that expression in my eyes? I've heard you!
:'''Martin:''' Hold on! Enough with the drama!! Alright? Knock it off!!! You've misheard me!!!!
:'''Samantha:''' I can't stand in here! Can't you see that?
:'''Martin:''' No but thank you for telling me again! I keep forgetting it's all about you (Samantha looks a little guilty) Why do we pack us let's go on the road together we can be hobos.
:'''Samantha:''' I keep forgetting it's all about you.
:'''Samantha:''' What will we pack us up? ''[picks up prescription bottle]''
:'''Martin:''' Let's go on the road together we can be hobos.
:'''Samantha:''' We don't get it.
:'''Martin:''' I did not got you.
:'''Samantha:''' Cause you wasted all our money! Some that belonged to me Martin!
:'''Martin:''' I didn't waste our money I thought you liked it here. And I am sorry I thought Jack would come out and visit you Samantha I called them all by myself and I invited them and I am sorry I thought you and Jack are friends I thought I thought I thought I I thought this was... I mean I thought you liked me I thought it was just a dream come true for us!
:'''Samantha:''' It's your dream! you can't force a dream like on someone else Martin!
:'''Martin:''' Yes I can I can for a dream on you!
:'''Samantha:''' Why are you yelling?!
:'''Martin:''' [exploding] Because it's a good dream! and it's got cool prescriptions in it and some really great people too! [Samantha is now on a verge of crying] And because I am the adult and you not the only one you got! And a line of people in this world who really care about you ends here! So stop mopping around this place Samantha! And pick up a shovel and dig a hole! do somethin'! You just sit and feel sorry for yourself Samantha! That's ever not! THAT'S EVER NOT DAMMIT! 
:'''Samantha:''' [now really crying] THAT'S EVER NOT DAMMIT THATS EVER NOT! [Samantha and Martin are done having an argument when they are looking at each other Martin sighs]
:'''Martin:''' I am sorry Danny did not come when he did. Believe me. I am sorry you are an adult but we are talking about the office but what are we going to do?
:'''Samantha:''' You do not ask me what I am doing. You do not tell how to shave.
:'''Martin:''' You wanna teach how to shave?
:'''Samantha:''' I would love to teach you how to shave.
:'''Martin:''' Let's shave.

=== ''Expectations'' [4.19] ===

=== ''More Than This'' [4.20] ===

=== ''Shattered'' [4.21] ===

=== ''Requiem'' [4.22] ===

=== ''White Balance''[4.23] ===

=== ''Crossroads'' [4.24] ===

== Season 5 ==
=== ''Stolen'' [5.1] ===

=== ''Candy'' [5.2] ===

=== ''911'' [5.3] ===

=== ''All for One'' [5.4] ===

=== ''The Damage Done'' [5.5] ===
=== ''The Calm Before'' [5.6] ===
=== ''All the Sinners, Saints'' [5.7] ===
=== ''Win Today'' [5.8] ===
=== ''Watch Over Me'' [5.9] ===

=== ''The Thing with Feathers'' [5.10] ===

=== ''Fade-Away'' [5.11] ===

=== ''Tail Spin'' [5.12] ===

=== ''Eating Away'' [5.13] ===

=== ''Primed'' [5.14] ===
=== ''Desert Springs'' [5.15] ===
=== ''Without You'' [5.16] ===
=== ''Deep Water'' [5.17] ===
=== ''Connections'' [5.18] ===
=== ''At Rest'' [5.19] ===

=== ''Skin Deep'' [5.20] ===

=== ''Crash and Burn'' [5.21] ===
=== ''One and Only'' [5.22] ===
=== ''Two of Us'' [5.23] ===
=== ''The Beginning'' [5.24] ===
== Season 6 ==
== Season 7 ==
=== ''Undertow'' [7.24] ===
:'''Jack Malone''': Always seems to end the same way, doesn't it?
:'''Vivian Johnson''': How's that?
:'''Jack Malone''': You know: You and me, some dark, desolate place, good conquering evil.
:'''Vivian Johnson''': What are you, Batman?
:'''Jack Malone''': At times, I do feel the resemblance.
:'''Vivian Johnson''': Oh, well remind me to get you a cape for your next birthday.
:'''Jack Malone''': Don't forget the tights.
== Cast ==
* [[w:Anthony LaPaglia|Anthony LaPaglia]] - Jack Malone
* [[w:Poppy Montgomery|Poppy Montgomery]] - Samantha Spade
* [[w:Marianne Jean-Baptiste|Marianne Jean-Baptiste]] - Vivian Johnson
* [[w:Enrique Murciano|Enrique Murciano]] - Danny Taylor
* [[w:Eric Close|Eric Close]] - Martin Fitzgerald
* [[w:Roselyn Sanchez|Roselyn Sanchez]] - Elena Delgado [Season 4-]

== External links== 
{{wikipedia}} 
* {{imdb title|id=0321021|title=Without a Trace}}

[[Category:2000s American crime drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American mystery TV shows]]
[[Category:CBS shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Police Squad!</title>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-26T22:12:24Z</timestamp>
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'''''[[w:Police Squad!|Police Squad!]]''''' (1982) was a comedy series that ran for only 6 episodes in 1982. Created by the team of [[w:Zucker, Abrahams and Zucker|Jim Abrahams, David Zucker and Jerry Zucker]] it later went on to form the basis of their &quot;Naked Gun&quot; series of feature films. The basic premise was a spoof of [[w:Quinn Martin|Quinn Martin]] police dramas.

== Season 1 ==
=== ''[[w:A Substantial Gift (The Broken Promise)|A Substantial Gift]]'' [1.01]===

:''[Frank is driving around the city at night with a laundry basket in the seat next to him]''
:'''[[w:Frank Drebin|Frank]]''': My name is Sergeant Frank Drebin, Detective Lieutenant, Police Squad. There'd been a recent wave of gorgeous fashion models found naked and unconscious in laundromats on the West Side. Unfortunately, I was assigned to investigate holdups of neighborhood credit unions. I was across town doing my laundry when I got the call on the double killing. It took me twenty minutes to get there. My boss was already on the scene.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Frank and Ed are interviewing a witness to a shooting]''
:'''Sally''': Well, I first heard the shot, and as I turned, Jim fell. 
:'''Frank''': Jim Fell's the teller? 
:'''Sally''': No, Jim Johnson. 
:'''Frank''': Who's Jim Fell? 
:'''Ed''': He's the auditor, Frank. 
:'''Sally''': He had the flu, so Jim... filled in. 
:'''Frank''': Phil who? 
:'''Ed''': Phil Din. He's the night watchman. 
:'''Sally''': Oh, if only Phil had been here... 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frank''': We're sorry to bother you at such a time like this, Mrs. Twice. We would have come earlier, but your husband wasn't dead then.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In the police crime lab, Olsen is showing Drebin a ballistics penetration test by shooting a a row of [[w:VHS|VHS]] tapes in boxes on a shelf]''
:'''Ted Olson''': If the holdup man had been where Sally Decker said, the bullet should have penetrated deeper. Let me show you what we did. These guns are identical to the one that killed Jim Johnson. Watch carefully as I test-fire this gun into these videotapes of Barbara Walters' interviews. As you can see, it completely destroys the Burt Reynolds interview, and everything from Bo Derek to Paul Newman. But only up to the point where Barbara asks &quot;Is it difficult to love?&quot; Now, let me show you what happens when the gun is fired from 3', which is the distance Sally claims the shots were fired from. Notice? Complete destruction, right up to the point where she asks Katherine Hepburn what kind of tree she'd like to be.

=== ''[[w:Ring of Fear (A Dangerous Assignment)|Ring of Fear]]'' [1.02] ===

:''[Acting as a coach to a boxer, Frank takes a [[w:saxophone|saxophone]] away from Buddy]''
:'''Frank''': Sorry, Buddy. No sax before a fight.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Frank tries to find whether boxer Buddy Briggs can beat The Champ]''
:'''Frank Drebin''': Now do you think you can beat The Champ?
:'''Buddy''': I can take him blindfolded.
:'''Frank Drebin''': What if he's not blindfolded?
:'''Buddy''': I can ''still'' beat him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Referee tries to find out if The Champ is okay after Buddy knocks him to the mat]''
:'''Ref''': How many fingers do you see?
:'''Champ''':   ...Thursday?

=== ''[[w:Rendezvous at Big Gulch (Terror in the Neighborhood)|Rendezvous at Big Gulch]]'' [1.03] ===

:'''Frank''': Coffee?
:'''Jill''': No, thank you.
:'''Frank''': Tea?
:'''Jill''': No.
:'''Frank''': ''[as a dessert cart is wheeled over]'' [[w:Éclair|Éclair]]? [[w:Rum ball|Rum ball]]? [[w:Torte|Torte]]?
:'''Jill''': No, really, thank you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frank''': Now, we can't let these vermin infest our city. We'll have a rotten, scum-sucking cesspool.
:'''Officer''': ''[Gagging]'' Frank please, I'm trying to eat this [[w:tuna fish|tuna fish]] sandwich.
:'''Frank''': A rat-infested, worm-ridden festering boil.
:'''Ed''': Frank, cut it out would ya, I'm talking to my mother.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed''': I tell ya Frank, without a witness, we're dead.
:'''Frank''': Well, maybe we're just gonna have to get our own evidence first-hand.
:'''Ed''': I don't understand Frank.
:'''Frank''': Well, let's say a new merchant moves into the neighborhood, opens up a shop.
:'''Ed''': All right.
:'''BOTH''': A new merchant moves into the neighborhood and opens up a shop.
:'''Frank''': Now let's say: that merchant attracts a certain couple of thugs who demand payments.
:'''Ed''': All right.
:'''BOTH''': That merchant attracts a certain couple of thugs who demand payments.
:'''Ed''': That's a good plan, Frank.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frank:''' What happened to your face?
:'''Al:''' I ran into a fire sprinkler?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frank ''': ''[about a rock]'' Where did it come from?
:'''Ted Olsen''': That's very interesting, I have a theory about that. As you know Frank, billions of years ago, our Earth was a molten mass. But for some reason, not understood by scientists, the earth cooled, forming a crust, a hard igneous shell. That's what we scientists call &quot;Rock&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''': We heard you had a bad accident. It's too bad you weren't protected.
:'''Frank''': The way I look at it, you owe me a hundred dollars for that window.
:'''Rocky''': Us? I don't know what you're talking about.
:'''Frank''': ''[shows the rock]'' So how do you explain this?
:'''Leo''': Well, billions of years ago, the Earth was a molten mass...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frank''': It took me two weeks to find Stella's apartment...she had neglected to give me her address.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dutch Gunderson''': ''[on phone with Stella]'' Schnooky lumps. You never called me that before. What happened last night to bring this on? 
:'''Frank''': ''[instructing Stella what to say]'' When you held me in your manly armes and crushed me to your lips, I discovered what it meant to be a real woman. When I think of your handsome face, your cruel lips, your strong chin, the way you touch, the way you smother me with kisses... 
:'''Gunderson''': Honey, I gotta go. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After walking in unannounced to Dutch's office]''
:'''Dutch Gunderson''': Who are you and how did you get in here? 
:'''Frank''': I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.

=== ''[[w:Revenge and Remorse (The Guilty Alibi)|Revenge and Remorse]]'' [1.04] ===

:'''Lana Casales''': He hangs out there with some chorus girl, a floozy named Mimi Du Jour.
:'''Ed''': Du Jour? Is she French?
:'''Lana Casales''': That's just her stage name, her real name is Mimi Coffee.
:'''Ed''': Coffee?
:'''Lana Casales''': No, thank you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After breaking into Mimi's dressing room]''
:'''Mimi Du Jour''': Is this some kind of bust?  
:'''Frank''': Yes, ma'am, it's very impressive, but we need to ask you a few questions.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mimi Du Jour''': We went to the movies.
:'''Frank''': Oh, yeah?
:'''Mimi Du Jour''': Yeah, ''[[On the Waterfront]]''.
:'''Ed''': Come on, there are no movie theaters on the waterfront.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At the scene of an exploded car and a dead man]''
:'''Norberg''': I can't believe anybody could do something so cruel.
:'''Frank''': Senseless brutality, senseless waste.
:'''Ed''': Cut down in the prime of life.
:'''Norberg''': That car was a classic, a '68. Do you suppose the widow would take $1,500 for it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frank''': All right Eddie, let's go over it one more time. Where were you last night?
:'''[[w:Spencer Milligan|Eddie Casales]]''': I told you a dozen times, I was at the movies.
:'''Norberg''': ''[after coming in]'' I got the sandwiches here.
:'''Ed''': All right Eddie, you went to the movies. Now what did you see?
:'''Edddie Casales''': I told you, I don't remember.
:'''Norberg''': Who had the egg salad?
:'''Ed''': ''[mocking Eddie]'' I don't remember.
:'''Norberg''': Somebody ordered it.
:'''Frank''': You don't expect us to buy that.
:'''Norberg''': But I already paid for it.
:'''Eddie Casales''': Why don't you give a guy a break?
:'''Norberg''': Thanks a lot.
:'''Eddie Casales''' : What's the charge?
:'''Norberg''': $4.58.
:'''Ed''': What are you trying to do, insult us?
:'''Norberg''': Okay, $3.50. Coffee's on me 
:'''Eddie Casales''': I told you, I went to the movies, I fell asleep, I don't remember. 
:'''Frank''': You don't expect us to swallow that.
:'''Norberg''': All right, I'll eat it! But I don't think it's fair that I should have to pay for it. ''[walks away]''
:'''Ed''': All right Eddie, let's say you did go to the movies.
:'''Eddie Casales''': Okay.
:'''ALL''': You did go to the movies.
:'''Frank''': Now let's say you were nowhere near the Club Flamingo.
:'''Eddie Casales''': All right.
:'''ALL''': You were nowhere near the Club Flamingo.
:'''Frank''': Then, explain this to me. ''[shows him the matchbox]''
:'''Eddie Casales''': Well, you take this little cardboard stick out with sulfur on the end, and you rub it on the edges, and it makes fire.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frank''': ''[narrating]'' When I got home I received a call from Mimi Du Jour, she wanted me to come to the club right away. Since I had no idea where the Club Rightaway was, I suggested to go to the Club Flamingo. She agreed.

=== ''[[w:The Butler Did It (A Bird in the Hand)|The Butler Did It]]'' [1.05] ===

:'''Frank''': ''[narrating]'' Ed and I drove around for hours for no particular reason. We came up empty.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frank''': Mr. Burton, we have men combing the entire lakefront area. If your daughter is close, we'll find her. 
:'''Warner''': The lakefront? My God, do you know how big that area is? My daughter's a needle in a haystack! 
:'''Frank''': That's not true. I've seen a picture of her, she's very attractive.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after his daughter is kidnapped]''
:'''Warner''': What do I do?!?
:'''Frank''': I believe you are in the textile industry.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frank''': Is there a ransom note?
:'''Ed''': Yes, the butler found it; it was tied to this window and thrown into the rock garden. I sent the note to the lab; they're demanding one million dollars.
:'''Frank''': Why would the lab demand a million dollars?
:'''Ed''': The Kidnappers made the demand, Frank.
:'''Frank''': Oh.

=== ''[[w:Testimony of Evil (Dead Men Don't Laugh)|Testimony of Evil]]'' [1.06] === 

:'''&quot;Mr. V&quot;''': That was nice work. You took a big chance doing that.
:'''Frank''': Well, you take a big chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street, or sticking your face in a fan.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Leslie Nielsen|Leslie Nielsen]] - [[w:Lieutenant Frank Drebin|Detective Frank Drebin]]
* [[w:Alan North|Alan North]] - Captain Ed Hocken
* [[w:Peter Lupus|Peter Lupus]] - Officer Norberg
* [[w:Ed Williams (actor)|Ed Williams]] - Ted Olson, Scientist
* [[w:William Duell|William Duell]] - Johnny the Snitch
* [[w:Tiny Ron Taylor|Ronald &quot;Tiny Ron&quot; Taylor]] - Al

== External links == 
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0083466|title=Police Squad!}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Police Squad!}}
[[Category:1980s American satirical TV shows]]
[[Category:1980s American sitcoms]]
[[Category:ABC shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Police comedy TV shows]]</text>
      <sha1>4w21xemqs8iichnxnc7kfdr1zt835wy</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Charmed (TV series)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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    <revision>
      <id>3147834</id>
      <parentid>2997085</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T22:12:55Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="393402" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Charmed|Charmed]]''''' (1998–2006) is a television show about three sisters who reunite and unlock their powers to become the Charmed Ones - the most powerful good witches of all time to exist. Now they must vanquish evil and save innocents while living their lives as normal women in the real world. Life isn't so easy when you're Charmed. In Season 4, half-sister [[w:Paige Matthews|Paige Matthews]] took over for the dearly departed [[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]] ([[w:Shannen Doherty|Shannen Doherty]]), to once again form the Charmed Ones and fight evil and save innocents. Starring [[w:Holly Marie Combs|Holly Marie Combs]] as [[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]], [[w:Alyssa Milano|Alyssa Milano]] as [[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]] and [[w:Rose McGowan|Rose McGowan]] as [[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]].


__NOTOC__
{| class=&quot;wikitable&quot;
! style='background-color: #554C99' | [[#Season 1|Season 1]]
! style='background-color: #E56024' | [[#Season 2|Season 2]]
! style='background-color: #7CB8D3' | [[#Season 3|Season 3]]
! style='background-color: #B74F6D' | [[#Season 4|Season 4]]
! style='background-color: #5A853F' | [[#Season 5|Season 5]]
! style='background-color: #C02D2C' | [[#Season 6|Season 6]]
! style='background-color: #F3C819' | [[#Season 7|Season 7]]
! style='background-color: #A1A1A1' | [[#Season 8|Season 8]]
|-
|[[#Something Wicca This Way Comes|Something Wicca This Way Comes]]
|[[#Witch Trial|Witch Trial]]
|[[#The Honeymoon's Over|The Honeymoon's Over]]
|[[#Charmed Again, Pt 1|Charmed Again, Pt 1]]
|[[#A Witch's Tail, Pt 1|A Witch's Tail, Pt 1]]
|[[#Valhalley of the Dolls, Pt 1|Valhalley of the Dolls, Pt 1]]
|[[#A Call to Arms|A Call to Arms]]
|[[#Still Charmed and Kicking|Still Charmed and Kicking]]
|-
|[[#I've Got You Under My Skin|I've Got You Under My Skin]]
|[[#Morality Bites|Morality Bites]]
|[[#Magic Hour|Magic Hour]]
|[[#Charmed Again, Pt 2|Charmed Again, Pt 2]]
|[[#A Witch's Tail, Pt 2|A Witch's Tail, Pt 2]]
|[[#Valhalley of the Dolls, Pt 2|Valhalley of the Dolls, Pt 2]]
|[[#The Bare Witch Project|The Bare Witch Project]]
|[[#Malice in Wonderland|Malice in Wonderland]]
|-
|[[#Thank You for Not Morphing|Thank You for Not Morphing]]
|[[#The Painted World|The Painted World]]
|[[#Once Upon a Time|Once Upon a Time]]
|[[#Hell Hath No Fury|Hell Hath No Fury]]
|[[#Happily Ever After|Happily Ever After]]
|[[#Forget Me... Not|Forget Me... Not]]
|[[#Cheaper by the Coven|Cheaper By the Coven]]
|[[#Run Piper, Run|Run Piper, Run]]
|-
|[[#Dead Man Dating|Dead Man Dating]]
|[[#The Devil's Music|The Devil's Music]]
|[[#All Halliwell's Eve|All Halliwell's Eve]]
|[[#Enter the Demon|Enter the Demon]]
|[[#Siren's Song|Siren’s Song]]
|[[#The Power of Three Blondes|The Power of Three Blondes]]
|[[#Charrrmed!|Charrrmed!]]
|[[#Desperate Housewitches|Desperate Housewitches]]
|-
|[[#Dream Sorcerer|Dream Sorcerer]]
|[[#She's a Man, Baby, a Man!|She’s a Man, Baby, a Man!]]
|[[#Sight Unseen|Sight Unseen]]
|[[#Size Matters|Size Matters]]
|[[#Witches in Tights|Witches in Tights]]
|[[#Love's A Witch|Love’s A Witch]]
|[[#Styx Feet Under|Styx Feet Under]]
|[[#Rewitched|Rewitched]]
|-
|[[#The Wedding from Hell|The Wedding from Hell]]
|[[#That Old Black Magic|That Old Black Magic]]
|[[#Primrose Empath|Primrose Empath]]
|[[#A Knight to Remember|A Knight to Remember]]
|[[#The Eyes Have It|The Eyes Have It]]
|[[#My Three Witches|My Three Witches]]
|[[#Once in a Blue Moon|Once in a Blue Moon]]
|[[#Kill Billie Vol. 1|Kill Billie Vol. 1]]
|-
|[[#The Fourth Sister|The Fourth Sister]]
|[[#They're Everywhere|They’re Everywhere]]
|[[#Power Outage|Power Outage]]
|[[#Brain Drain|Brain Drain]]
|[[#Sympathy for the Demon|Sympathy for the Demon]]
|[[#Soul Survivor|Soul Survivor]]
|[[#Someone to Witch Over Me|Someone to Witch Over Me]]
|[[#The Lost Picture Show|The Lost Picture Show]]
|-
|[[#The Truth is Out There... and it Hurts|The Truth is Out There... and it Hurts]]
|[[#P3 H2O|P3 H2O]]
|[[#Sleuthing with the Enemy|Sleuthing with the Enemy]]
|[[#Black as Cole|Black as Cole]]
|[[#A Witch in Time|A Witch in Time]]
|[[#Sword and the City|Sword and the City]]
|[[#Charmed Noir|Charmed Noir]]
|[[#Battle of the Hexes|Battle of the Hexes]]
|-
|[[#The Witch is Back|The Witch is Back]]
|[[#Ms. Hellfire|Ms. Hellfire]]
|[[#Coyote Piper|Coyote Piper]]
|[[#Muse to My Ears|Muse to My Ears]]
|[[#Sam I Am|Sam I Am]]
|[[#Little Monsters|Little Monsters]]
|[[#There's Something About Leo|There’s Something About Leo]]
|[[#Hulkus Pocus|Hulkus Pocus]]
|-
|[[#Wicca Envy|Wicca Envy]]
|[[#Heartbreak City|Heartbreak City]]
|[[#We All Scream for Ice Cream|We All Scream for Ice Cream]] 
|[[#A Paige from the Past|A Paige from the Past]]
|[[#Y Tu Mummy Tambien|Y Tu Mummy Tambien]]
|[[#Chris-Crossed|Chris Crossed]]
|[[#Witchness Protection|Witchness Protection]]
|[[#Vaya Con Leos|Vaya Con Leos]]
|-
|[[#Feats of Clay|Feats of Clay]]
|[[#Reckless Abandon|Reckless Abandon]]
|[[#Blinded by the Whitelighter|Blinded by the Whitelighter]]
|[[#Trial By Magic|Trial By Magic]]
|[[#The Importance of Being Phoebe|The Importance of Being Phoebe]]
|[[#Witchstock|Witchstock]]
|[[#Ordinary Witches|Ordinary Witches]]
|[[#Mr. and Mrs. Witch|Mr. and Mrs. Witch]]
|-
|[[#The Wendigo|The Wendigo]]
|[[#Awakened|Awakened]]
|[[#Wrestling With Demons|Wrestling With Demons]]
|[[#Lost and Bound|Lost and Bound]]
|[[#Centennial Charmed|Centennial Charmed]]
|[[#Prince Charmed|Prince Charmed]]
|[[#Extreme Makeover: World Edition|Extreme Makeover: World Edition]]
|[[#Payback's a Witch|Payback's a Witch]]
|-
|[[#From Fear to Eternity|From Fear to Eternity]]
|[[#Animal Pragmatism|Animal Pragmatism]]
|[[#Bride and Gloom|Bride and Gloom]]
|[[#Charmed and Dangerous|Charmed and Dangerous]]
|[[#House Call|House Call]]
|[[#Used Karma|Used Karma]]
|[[#Charmageddon|Charmageddon]]
|[[#Repo Manor|Repo Manor]]
|-
|[[#Secrets and Guys|Secrets and Guys]]
|[[#Pardon My Past|Pardon My Past]]
|[[#The Good, the Bad, and the Cursed|The Good, the Bad, and the Cursed]]
|[[#The Three Faces of Phoebe|The Three Faces of Phoebe]]
|[[#Sand Francisco Dreamin'|Sand Francisco Dreamin’]]
|[[#The Legend of Sleepy Halliwell|The Legend of Sleepy Halliwell]]
|[[#Carpe Demon|Carpe Demon]]
|[[#12 Angry Zen|12 Angry Zen]]
|-
|[[#Is There a Woogy in the House?|Is There a Woogy in the House? ]]
|[[#Give Me a Sign|Give Me a Sign]]
|[[#Just Harried|Just Harried]]
|[[#Marry-Go-Round|Marry-Go-Round]]
|[[#The Day the Magic Died|The Day the Magic Died]]
|[[#I Dream of Phoebe|I Dream of Phoebe]]
|[[#Show Ghouls|Show Ghouls]]
|[[#The Last Temptation of Christy|The Last Temptation of Christy]]
|-
|[[#Which Prue is it Anyway?|Which Prue is it Anyway?]]
|[[#Murphy's Luck|Murphy's Luck]]
|[[#Death Takes a Halliwell|Death Takes a Halliwell]]
|[[#The Fifth Halliwheel|The Fifth Halliwheel]]
|[[#Baby's First Demon|Baby's First Demon]]
|[[#The Courtship of Wyatt's Father|The Courtship of Wyatt's Father]]
|[[#The Seven Year Witch|The Seven Year Witch]]
|[[#Engaged and Confused|Engaged and Confused]]
|-
|[[#That '70s Episode|That '70s Episode]]
|[[#How to Make a Quilt Out of Americans|How to Make a Quilt Out of Americans]]
|[[#Pre-Witched|Pre-Witched]]
|[[#Saving Private Leo|Saving Private Leo]]
|[[#Lucky Charmed|Lucky Charmed]]
|[[#Hyde School Reunion|Hyde School Reunion]]
|[[#Scry Hard|Scry Hard]]
|[[#Generation Hex|Generation Hex]]
|-
|[[#When Bad Warlocks Turn Good|When Bad Warlocks Turn Good]]
|[[#Chick Flick|Chick Flick]]
|[[#Sin Francisco|Sin Francisco]]
|[[#Bite Me|Bite Me]]
|[[#Cat House|Cat House]]
|[[#Spin City|Spin City]]
|[[#Little Box of Horrors|Little Box of Horrors]]
|[[#The Torn Identity|The Torn Identity]]
|-
|[[#Out of Sight|Out of Sight]]
|[[#Ex Libris|Ex Libris]]
|[[#The Demon Who Came in from the Cold|The Demon Who Came in from the Cold]]
|[[#We're Off to See the Wizard|We’re Off to See the Wizard]]
|[[#Nymphs Just Wanna Have Fun|Nymphs Just Wanna Have Fun]]
|[[#Crimes and Witch-Demeanors|Crimes and Witch-Demeanors]]
|[[#Freaky Phoebe|Freaky Phoebe]]
|[[#The Jung and the Restless|The Jung and the Restless]]
|-
|[[#The Power of Two|The Power of Two]]
|[[#Astral Monkey|Astral Monkey]]
|[[#Exit Strategy|Exit Strategy]]
|[[#Long Live the Queen|Long Live the Queen]]
|[[#Sense and Sense Ability|Sense and Sense Ability]]
|[[#A Wrong Day's Journey into Right|A Wrong Day’s Journey into Right]]
|[[#Imaginary Fiends|Imaginary Fiends]]
|[[#Gone with the Witches|Gone with the Witches]]
|-
|[[#Love Hurts|Love Hurts]]
|[[#Apocalypse Not|Apocalypse Not]]
|[[#Look Who's Barking|Look Who’s Barking]]
|[[#Womb Raider|Womb Raider]]
|[[#Necromancing the Stone|Necromancing the Stone]]
|[[#Witch Wars|Witch Wars]]
|[[#Death Becomes Them|Death Becomes Them]]
|[[#Kill Billie Vol. 2|Kill Billie Vol. 2]]
|-
|[[#Déjà Vu All Over Again|Déjà Vu All Over Again]]
|[[#Be Careful What You Witch For|Be Careful What You Witch For]]
|[[#All Hell Breaks Loose|All Hell Breaks Loose]]
|[[#Witch Way Now?|Witch Way Now?]]
|[[#Oh My Goddess, Pt 1|Oh My Goddess, Pt 1]]
|[[#It's a Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad World, Pt 1|It’s a Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad World, Pt 1]]
|[[#Something Wicca This Way Goes?|Something Wicca This Way Goes?]]
|[[#Forever Charmed|Forever Charmed]]
|-
|
|
|
|
|[[#Oh My Goddess, Pt 2|Oh My Goddess, Pt 2]]
|[[#It's a Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad World, Pt 2|It’s a Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad World, Pt 2]]
|
|
|-
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD colspan=4| [[#Cast|Cast]]
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD colspan=4| [[#External links|External links]]
|}

== Season 1 ==

=== ''Something Wicca This Way Comes'' ===

:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Prue?
:'''[[w:Prudence Halliwell|Prue]]''': In here, working on the chandelier.
:'''Piper''': Sorry, I'm late.
:'''Prue''': What else is new? You know, Piper, I would have been here to wait for an electrician myself, but you know I can't leave museum until six. I didn't even have time to change.
:'''Piper''': I just... I didn't realize how long I was in Chinatown. Did Jeremy call?
:'''Prue''': No, but he had some roses and a package delivered. What were you doing in Chinatown? I through that you had an interview at North Beach.
:'''Piper''': I did, but later I went to YoungLi market after my interview to get the ingredients for my audition recipe tomorrow.
:'''Prue''': So that Wolfgang cook did not hire you today?
:'''Piper''': No, but this just may get me the job.
:'''Prue''': Jeremy sent you port?
:'''Piper''': It's the ultimate ingredient for my recipe.
:'''Prue''': Nice boyfriend.
:'''Piper''': Oh my God. I don't believe it. Tell me that's not our old spirit board.
:'''Prue''': Yeah, I found it in the basement when I was looking for the circuit tester.
:'''Piper''': ''&quot;To my three beautiful girls. May this give you the light to find the shadows. The Power of Three will set you free. Love, Mom.&quot;'' We never did figure out what this inscription meant.
:'''Prue''': Oh, you should send it to Phoebe, that girl is so in the dark, maybe a little bit of light will help.
:'''Piper''': You're always so hard on her.
:'''Prue''': Piper, the girl has no vision, no sense of the future.
:'''Piper''': I really think Phoebe's coming around.
:'''Prue''': Well, as long as she doesn't come around here I guess that's good news.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Darryl Morris|Darryl]]''': Well, it's about time.
:'''[[w:Andy Truedau|Andy]]''': I got here as soon as I heard. Another dead female, right? Mid to late 20s?
:'''Darryl''': I've been paging you for over an hour, Truedau. Where have you been?
:'''Andy''': Oakland. Checking out a lead.
:'''Darry''': What lead?
:'''Andy''': One that didn't go anywhere.
:'''Darryl''': You're avoiding my question.
:'''Andy''': Because you don't want to know I went to an occult shop.
:'''Darryl''': You hate me, don't you? You wanna see me suffer.
:'''Andy''': I want to solve these murders. Someone's after witches.
:'''Darryl''': Women.
:'''Andy''': That women up there, I bet she was killed by an athamé.
:'''Darryl''': Wrong. Double-edged steel knife.
:'''Andy''': Right. That's an athamé. It's a ceremonial tool. Witches use them to direct energy.
:'''Darryl''': That women didn't direct jack. She was stabbed. Plain and simple.
:'''Andy''': Was she found near an altar?
:'''Darryl''': Yes.
:'''Andy''': Were there carvings on that altar?
:'''Darryl''': Just do me a favor. Don't ever follow a lead without checking with me first.
:'''Andy''': You want to go to occult shops?
:'''Darryl''': Just get to work, okay?
:'''Jeremy''': Inspector Truedau! Jeremy Burns, San Francisco Chronicle. You care to comment?
:'''Andy''': A women was stabbed. Plain and simple.
:'''Jeremy''': That's the third one in three weeks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prue''': I don't get it. I have checked everything. There's no reason why the chandelier should not be working.
:'''Piper''': We've been talking about what to do with that spare room. I think you're right, we do need a roommate.
:'''Prue''': Well we could rent out a room at a reduced rate in exchange to help around the house.
:'''Piper''': Phoebe's good with a wrench.
:'''Prue''': Phoebe lives in New York.
:'''Piper''': Not anymore.
:'''Prue''': What?
:'''Piper''': She left New York. She's moving back in with us.
:'''Prue''': You've got to be kidding.
:'''Piper''': Well, I could hardly say no. It's her house too; it was willed to all of us.
:'''Prue''': Yeah, months ago. And we haven't seen her or spoken to her since.
:'''Piper''': Well, you haven't spoken to her.
:'''Prue''': No, I haven't. Maybe you forgot why I'm so mad at her.
:'''Piper''': Well, of course not, but she had nowhere else to go. She lost her job, she's in debt.
:'''Prue''': And this is news? How long have you known about this anyway?
:'''Piper''': A couple of days. Maybe a week, or two...
:'''Prue''': Thanks for sharing. When does she arrive?
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Surprise! I found the hide-a-key!
:'''Piper''': Phoebe, welcome home. It's so good to see you. Isn't it, Prue?
:'''Prue''': I'm speechless.
:'''Phoebe''': Oops, I forget about the cab.
:'''Piper''': I'll get it.
:'''Prue''': Piper, that's my purse!
:'''Phoebe''': Thanks, I'll pay you back.
:'''Prue''': Is that all that you brought?
:'''Phoebe''': That's all that I own, that and bike. Look, I know that you don't want me here...
:'''Prue''': We're not selling Gram's house.
:'''Phoebe''': Is that why you think I came back?
:'''Prue''': Look, the only reason Piper and I gave up our apartment and moved back was because this house has been in our family for generations.
:'''Phoebe''': No history lesson needed. I grew up here, too. So, can we talk about what's really bothering you?
:'''Prue''': No, I'm still furious with you.
:'''Phoebe''': So, you'd rather have a tense reunion filled with boring chitchat and unimportant small talk?
:'''Prue''': No, but otherwise we won't have anything to talk about.
:'''Phoebe''': I never touched Roger.
:'''Prue''': Whoa!
:'''Phoebe''': I know you think otherwise because that's what that Armani-wearing-chardonnay-slugging-trust-funder told you, but...
:'''Piper''': Hey! I have a great idea! Why don't I make a fabulous reunion dinner?
:'''Prue''': I'm not hungry.
:'''Phoebe''': Ate on the bus.
:'''Piper''': Okay, we'll try a group hug later.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': I forgot your question.
:'''Piper''': I asked if Prue was going to have sex with someone other than herself this year. 
:'''Phoebe''': That's disgusting. ''(looks at spirit board)'' Please say yes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''':
::Hear now the words of the witches&lt;br&gt;
::The secrets we hid in the night.&lt;br&gt;
::The oldest of gods are invoked here&lt;br&gt;
::The great work of magic is sought.&lt;br&gt;
::... In this night and in this hour&lt;br&gt;
::I call upon the ancient power.&lt;br&gt;
::Bring your powers to we sisters three!&lt;br&gt;
::We want the power. Give us the power.

=== ''I've Got You Under My Skin'' ===

:'''[[w:Prudence Halliwell|Prue]]''': What are you watchining?
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Nothing. Just a show.
:'''Prue''': About witches? Are you worried we're gonna be burned at the stake?
:'''Piper''': Yeah, right. By the way, Andy called.
:'''Prue''': When?
:'''Piper''': While you were in the shower.
:'''Prue''':  What did you tell him?
:'''Piper''': That you were in the shower. Bad date?
:'''Prue''': No. No, no. Not at all. It was great. You know. Dinner. Movie. Sex.
:'''Piper''': Excuse me? On your first date? You sleaze.
:'''Prue''':  It wasn't exactly our first date, Piper.
:'''Piper''':  High school doesn't count. That was last decade. Spill it. Ooh, that bad, huh?
:'''Prue''': No. Actually, that good. It was... well, we were amazing, but that's not the point. I told myself that things would be different, that we would take it slow. It just shouldn't've happened, that's all.
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': What shouldn't've happened?
:'''Piper''':  Prue slept with Andy.
:'''Phoebe''': Hello!
:'''Prue''':  Oh, thanks a lot, mouth.
:'''Phoebe''': Wait, you were going to tell her, but not me? Family meeting!
:'''Prue''': Speaking of last night, what time did you enter falling in?
:'''Phoebe''': No no no, do not change the subject!
:'''Prue''':  Don't dodge the question!
:'''Piper''':  It must've been at least after three.
:'''Phoebe''': I must still be on New York time.
:'''Prue''': Actually, that would make it later.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Andy Trudeau|Andy]]''': Come on, Prue. Listen to me. We've known each other for a long time. We just couldn't help ourselves. It's nothing to be ashamed of.
:'''Prue''': I know, Andy.
:'''Andy''': All we did was make love.
:'''Prue''': I know, Andy. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': A toast to the power of three. Whether we like it or not. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prue''': Brittany, are you alright?
:'''Piper''': I'll call 911.
:'''Prue''': And tell them what? That she's dying of old age at 25?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prue, Piper and Phoebe''':
::Evil Eyes look onto thee&lt;br&gt;
::May they soon extiniguish thee,&lt;br&gt;
::Bend thy will to the power of three,&lt;br&gt;
::Eye of earth, evil and a curse.

=== ''Thank You for Not Morphing'' === 

:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': Um, hi. You must be Mr. Wyatt.
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': The handyman?
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Call me Leo.
:'''Phoebe''': Gladly.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prue''': Some of us have a job.
:'''Phoebe''': Some of us have fun.
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': And some of us are having a really bad hair day.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marshall''': I don't know what kind of people you're used to dealing with, but I'd lay serious coin that they aren't willing to rip you into a thousand pieces and dance in your entrails.
:'''[[w:Victor Bennett|Victor]]''': Oh, so you're lawyers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Okay, we have to call the cops and report it as a break-in.
:'''Prue''': And tell them what? That someone broke into our house to try and steal our broomsticks?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Hey, I have an idea. Why don’t we throw a party and charge admission. It’s a great way to make extra cash.
:'''Prue''': Hey, I have an even better idea. Why don’t you just get a job?

=== ''Dead Man Dating'' ===

:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Leave it to me to fall for a dead guy.
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': It's an improvement. At least he wasn't a warlock.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': We’re The Charmed Ones, Prue, not The Doomed Ones.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': Phoebe, you have to save him. You can’t let him out of your sight.
:'''Phoebe''': Oh, don’t worry. I waited until he went to sleep, and then I broke a key off in his door to lock him in. He’s safe ‘till morning. (silence) Hey, wait. That’s it? You’re not going to get mad at me?
:'''Prue''': You were trying to do something good… and now you’re going to get to do something… wonderful. I couldn’t ask for a better birthday present than that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': I am so busted, aren’t I?
:'''Piper''': Are you out of your mind again?
:'''Phoebe''': No. I’m the Amazing Phoebe.
:'''Piper''': This is not funny. Our powers are supposed to be a secret, not a marketable job skill.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': I've never seen anybody killed before.
:'''Phoebe''': Jeremy.
:'''Prue''': Javna.
:'''Piper''': I mean humans.

=== ''Dream Sorcerer'' ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Don't worry. We had safe sex. A lot of safe sex.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': (''after trying to copy an exercise video)'' Uh, I give up. Two weeks and nothing strengthened but my temper.
:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': Piper, here's the problem. You didn't read the fine print. See, it says right here. $19.95 for the video and twenty grand for the plastic surgeon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': So, what’s up?
:'''Phoebe''': I, uh, I found this spell. &quot;How to attract a lover&quot;.
:'''Piper''': No, Phoebe. Forget it. We’re not casting any spells.
:'''Phoebe''': Come on. There must be more to our powers than warlock wasting. I’m ready to have some fun with our magic.
:'''Piper''': No. No personal gain, remember?
:'''Phoebe''': How is it personal gain, if we’re using our powers to bring happiness to another person. And in my case lots and lots of happiness...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': You want a man who is single, smart, endowed?
:'''Piper''': Employed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''First Guy''': Are your parents terrorists? Cause, baby, you're the bomb.
:'''Second Guy''': Jim, Jim, ask her if it hurt when she fell.
:'''Phoebe''': Uh, excuse me?
:'''Guy''': When you fell from Heaven. Did it hurt? Cause I know an angel when I see one.
:'''Phoebe''': I'm no angel. I'm a witch. But don't tell my sisters I told you.

=== ''The Wedding from Hell'' ===

:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': My sisters and I, we have special gifts.
:'''Allison Michaels''': Gifts? What kind of gifts?
:'''Prue''': Ones you can't return. Let's just say we come from an interesting kind of family tree.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Rex Buckland|Rex]]''': Prue, your, um, sister's here to see you. She's waiting in your office.
:'''Prue''': Which sister?
:'''Rex''': The one who upon seeing your office, said &quot;Damn, I should go back to college.&quot;
:'''Prue''': Phoebe.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prue''': Ok, so it's time to shower, shampoo and go kick some Hecate butt.
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Did she just say shower?
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': She did, didn't she?
:'''Piper &amp; Phoebe''': Hot water!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Ok, I can't hold it any longer. Your name isn't Piper, and that's the good news. You're really Hecate, Queen of the Underworld, you're pregnant with a demon child, which means...I'm afraid I have to kill you.
:'''Piper''': What?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prue''': Phoebe, what is it that you saw exactly?
:'''Phoebe''': Well, I-I saw the thing being born.
:'''Prue''': Did you see Piper?
:'''Phoebe''': Yes, I saw her legs.
:'''Prue''': Never saw her face?
:'''Phoebe''': No.
:'''Piper''': Hello, bickering sisters. I'm not pregnant but I am in the room.

=== ''The Fourth Sister'' ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Okay, Piper tell me the truth. Am I a boyfriend thief? 
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Totally.
:'''Phoebe''': Besides Roger. Whom, by the way, Prue, I never touched.
:'''Piper''': My boyfriend, Billy Wilson.
:'''Phoebe''': ''[chuckles]'' Bill-- Will-- Eighth grade Billy Wilson?
:'''Piper''': You kissed him at homecoming.
:'''Phoebe''': I did not kiss him at homecoming.
:'''Piper''': Oh, please. You were all over him, with your breasts all...whatever.
:'''Phoebe''': I didn't even have breasts back then.
:'''Piper''': Phoebe, you've always had breasts.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': So you know... it's not like either one of us has a problem finding guys...
:'''Phoebe''': Please.
:'''Piper''': So if one of us got Leo, it'd be ok with the other one.
:'''Phoebe''': Absolutely.
:'''Piper''': So we can just consider this a friendly competition.
:'''Phoebe''': Sibling rivalry.
:'''Piper''': War.
:'''Phoebe''': Exactly!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Hungry?
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Uh.
:'''Piper''': Oh, it's on the house.
:'''Leo''': You're big on food, aren’t you?
:'''Piper''': Uh...
:'''Leo''': No, that's good. You know, actually, in the Mayan culture the cook was second in the hierarchy only to the medicine man.
:'''Piper''': Mayans? You know about Mayans? Well, you certainly are a handyman, aren't you?
:'''Leo''': Uh, so, does Phoebe work here too?
:'''Piper''': Phoebe? Work? No, no, no, she's probably at her gay and lesbian group right about now. So what'll it be?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''' ''(to Leo about Piper)'': Oh, that's just Piper. She's got to be everyone's mom. Think of her as your mom, I know I do.

===''The Truth is Out There... and it Hurts'' ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Piper, what do you really think about your boss?
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': I think he's a self-serving jerk who must have a very small penis...''(Piper, Phoebe and Prue all gasp/laugh)'' Oh my God, I'm gonna be so fired!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''':
::For those who want the truth revealed,&lt;br&gt;
::Opened hearts and secrets unsealed,&lt;br&gt;
::From now until it's now again,&lt;br&gt;
::After which the memory ends.&lt;br&gt;
::Those who are now in this house,&lt;br&gt;
::Will hear the truth from other's mouths.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Andy Trudeau|Andy]]''': I don't know. I mean of all the things I thought you were hiding, this was actually nowhere on the list. Does this mean Piper and Phoebe are...
:'''Prue''': Yeah. We inherited our powers from Mom and Grams.
:'''Andy''': So, when you have kids...
:'''Prue''': If they're girls...yes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Leo, how do you feel about women who make the first move?
:'''Leo''': I don't know, I'm still waiting for it to happen.
:'''Piper''': Good news.
:''(Piper kisses Leo)''
:'''Leo''': How do you feel about guys who make the second move?
:'''Piper''': Love 'em!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prue''': I'm about to tell my boyfriend that I'm a wi...
:'''Phoebe''': ...nner!

=== ''The Witch is Back'' ===

:'''[[w:Melinda Warren|Melinda Warren]]''': How do modern women keep their legs warm?
:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': We drink coffee.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Melinda Warren''': &quot;To work with One's hands is a great gift.&quot;
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Well ... &quot;I am a true laborer.  I earn that I eat, get that I wear&quot;
:'''Melinda Warren''': &quot;Owe no man hate, envy no man's happiness...&quot;
:'''Melinda'''/'''Leo''': Shakespeare.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Am I the only one having second thoughts?
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Yes.
:'''Prue''': We don't really have any others options.
:'''Piper''': But aren't we, like, raising the dead? What if she's all..
:'''Phoebe''': I read The Book of Shadows very carefully. She will come back as a real live person, flesh and blood. She will have her powers too, our powers.'' (Phoebe picks up a knife.)''
:'''Piper''': What's that for?
:'''Phoebe''': Well, the spell works by blood calling blood, so it shouldn't hurt.. much. ''(Phoebe cuts her finger.)'' I lied, I lied. Okay, come on guys. It'll be just like the summer by the lake. Remember when we made a blood oath to be friends forever, not just sisters? (''Prue takes the knife.)''
:'''Piper''': I remember my finger got infected.
:'''Prue''': ''(Prue cuts her finger.)'' Ow. Yeah, but the oath worked.
:'''Piper''': And I couldn't go in the water for three weeks. (Prue holds out the knife.) Don't hand me that knife.
:'''Prue''': How are you gonna cut yourself?
:'''Piper''': I'm not.
:'''Phoebe''': Piper.
:'''Piper''': I can't stand the sight of blood.
:'''Prue''': Evil beings have blown up in our attic..
:'''Phoebe''': ..Disintegrated to dust right before our very eyes..
:'''Prue''': And you're afraid of a little drop of blood?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Melinda''': No, don’t...don’t rip the dress to make it fit me.
:'''Phoebe''': Oh, no, no, I’m not ripping it. It’s called a zipper, see?''(Phoebe zips up the dress)''
:'''Melinda''': Oh, a wise witch made this.''(Melinda takes the dress off of Phoebe and plays with the zipper)''
:'''Phoebe''': Yeah, and wise witches in this century keep a low profile. You slip this dress on, you’ll blend right in.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': You've never asked a guy out before?
:'''Piper''': Not on a real date, no
:'''Phoebe''': I don't understand. Am I the only person in this family who's inherited the 'take a chance' gene?
:'''Piper''': Probably, 'cause if I remember my biology correctly it's attached to the 'can't mind my own business' gene.

=== ''Wicca Envy'' ===
:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': Somebody must have manipulated me into taking it.
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': The same way someone manipulated me into being a witness against my own sister!
:'''[[w:Darryl Morris|Darryl]]''': Any idea about what they're talking about?
:'''[[w:Andy Trudeau|Andy]]''': Not a clue.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(After Piper and Leo have spent the night together)''
:'''Phoebe''': Between you and Leo, and Prue the new-hot-Wicca woman, and me, soon to be employed, things are looking up.
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Don't say that! The moment somebody says that everything always goes south!
:'''Phoebe''': Unless you freeze him. Ooh! I couldn't help it, it was so good!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Prue was right about Rex, which means I'm dating a warlock!
:'''Piper''': Been there, done that!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Problems?
:'''Prue''': What problems?
:'''Piper''': Well, it's been a while since, you know, I-I was a little nervous, and I kinda kept freezing him.
:'''Prue''': Piper, you didn't?
:'''Piper''': I didn't mean to...the first time.
:'''Phoebe''': Oh!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': I thought you guys were supposed to be shopping.
:'''Prue''': Obviously.
:'''Phoebe''' (points): Oh, look, front-clasped bra. She means business.
:'''Prue''': Ooh, serious business.
:'''Piper''': ''(pulls her shirt closed)'' Do you mind?
:'''Phoebe''': No, are you kidding? I think it's great -- as long as he's not still on the clock.

=== ''Feats of Clay'' ===
:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': The Guardian punishes the greedy, so maybe if Clay does something selfless, it'll even the score.
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Good luck...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prue''': Seasons change, people don't...
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': I changed. Do you remember what you thought of me before I walked back through that door?
:'''Prue''': That's different.
:'''Phoebe''': How is that different?
:'''Prue''': You're my sister.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coroner''': I found someone's business card in his pocket. Buckland's Auction House.
:'''[[w:Andy Trudeau|Andy]]''': ''(cutting him off)'' Ah. Let me guess, Prue Halliwell?
:'''Coroner''': Yeah. How did you know?
:'''Andy''': I'm cursed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Don't take this the wrong way, but why are you here, with me, now?
:'''Clay''': What, can't a guy visit?
:'''Phoebe''': Yeah, but you're not just a guy, you're Clay, and Clay comes with strings attached.

=== ''The Wendigo'' ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''' ''(talking on the phone with Piper)'': Okay, you put the jack under the jeep and then put the handle in the base and ratchet it up and down, okay? It's very easy.
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Handle. Handle. I don't think I got a handle. Wait, there's a long wooden spoon in the back.
:'''Phoebe''': ''(talking to Prue)'' That's not gonna work. She's looking for a long wooden spoon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Oh, my God, that's a lot of blood.
:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': Hey, sweetie.
:'''Phoebe''': Oh, my God! Are you okay?
:'''Piper''': Yeah, I'm fine. If I pass out and I need a transfusion, I'm AB negative. It's very rare. It could be a problem.
:'''[[w:Andy Trudeau|Andy]]''': Try not to look at it. And just so you know, I'm AB negative too. Plus, I love good food. Perfect donor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Nothing. This is just the same crap I've already seen.
:'''Prue''': I tried Andy's cell phone, no answer.
:'''Phoebe''': We can't find anything about revearsing the Wendigo thing.
:'''Prue''': Well, there's got to be something. Oh, didn't you check this at the bottom of the page? &quot;c.f. Desiderata.&quot;
:'''Phoebe''': Yeah, like we're supposed to know what that means.
:'''Prue''': Well, it means &quot;conferred desiderata.&quot; It's Latin for &quot;look up things that are yearned for.&quot;
:'''Piper''': Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're so very smart.
:'''Prue''': Piper.
:'''Piper''': Don't Piper me. Just shut up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prue''': But we might have to confine you until we get back. So tie you down, I guess.
:'''Piper''': No! Go to hell!
:'''Prue''': Do we have any chains?
:'''Phoebe''': I actually think I have something. ''(walks in with handcuffs)''
:'''Prue''': Where did you get the--? Never mind.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': ...besides, that's your world, I need to find one of my own.
:'''Prue''': You will.
:'''Piper''': Just stay out of my world or I'll kill you!
:''(Phoebe frowns and Prue stares at her confused, Piper starts getting up)''
:'''Piper''': Just kidding, it's a joke!

=== ''From Fear to Eternity'' ===

:'''[[w:Andy Trudeau|Andy]]''': What would you do if you were in my shoes?
:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': First of all, no one should ever be in those shoes.

=== ''Secrets and Guys'' ===

:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Oh, well, I thought I'd tell her that, uh, you know, as much as I love her and as much as I would like to stay in San Francisco, I can't, a-and I don't know how long my work will keep me away.
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': No, no. What you just said was as much as you would love to stay and have ''sex'' with her, you have a wife and kids in another part of the country. Try again.
:'''Leo''': Uh... ''(chuckles)'' Piper, um, you know how much you mean to me, and more than anything, I wish things can work out, but, they can't... and no one is more sorry than me.
:'''Phoebe''': ''(shakes her head)'' Translation? I found someone I like even better.
:'''Leo''': I'm completely confused.
:'''Phoebe''': Look, Leo, it's not that complicated. Okay, um, just avoid the following: We can still hang out; I don't deserve you... yet; I need more &quot;me time&quot; before we can have &quot;we time&quot; ''(makes air quotes)'', and my personal favorite: It's not you, it's me. And whatever you do, do ''not'' start of the conversation with &quot;we need to talk&quot;, other than that you'll do fine.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''' ''(about Leo)'' : It just seemed like he wasn't telling me the whole story, like he had some secret he was afraid I couldn't handle.
:'''Phoebe''': Well, that's his call. Assuming that he had a secret. Might not have.
:'''Piper''': What are you talking about?
:'''Phoebe:''' Ok, ok, you don't have to beat it out of me. Leo is a whitelighter. They're sort of guardian angels for witches. And they're not supposed to get involved with witches, but Leo couldn't help it. He fell in love with you, and that broke all the rules and got him in all sorts of trouble. And even though he'll love you forever, you will probably never see him again.
:'''Piper''': What? Phoebe, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Oh, God. Don't be so silly.
:'''Phoebe''': That's me, silly.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': And looky here, miss Phoebe's diaries...
:'''Phoebe''': The place where I kept all my secrets...
:''(Piper and Prue stare at her with a suspicious look)''
:'''Piper''': What?
:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': The place where you kept your secrets?
:''(Phoebe nods)''
:'''Piper''': Phoebe, you could never keep a secret...
:'''Phoebe''': Oh, that is so not true.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''': In the meantime, you must help me keep my secret or I can get into trouble, ok? Piper and Prue can never know what I really am.
:'''Phoebe''': Me keep a secret? Hello, wrong Halliwell!

=== ''Is There a Woogy in the House?'' ===

:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': You're the only Halliwell that actually likes earthquakes.
:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': I don't like them, but I don't go running through the house naked screaming &quot;run for your life&quot; either.
: '''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Okay. That is such an exaggeration. I was wearing slippers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': I can handle it all myself. It’s me, the culinary pachyderm. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''':
::I am light,&lt;br&gt;
::I am one too strong to fight,&lt;br&gt;
::Return to dark where shadows dwell,&lt;br&gt;
::You can not have this Halliwell.&lt;br&gt;
::Go away and leave my sight,&lt;br&gt;
::And take with you this endless night.

=== ''Which Prue is it Anyway?'' ===

:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': You know, someday you might actually hear yourself say stuff like that.
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Yes, and I will find myself sassy and delightful.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': This is ridiculous. This is like, this is like the 'Parent Trap' with a B cup.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': I think I might've just found a way to take some of the Disney out of our life

=== ''That '70s Episode'' ===

:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': I don't know. Maybe only one set of us can have powers at the same time in the same time.
:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': Thank you Mr Spock.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Penny Halliwell|Grams]]''': It was doomed from the start. You never even took his last name!
:'''[[w:Patty Halliwell|Patty]]''': You wouldn't let me.
:'''Grams''': Well that's beside the point.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grams''': Oh Patty, I just KNEW I'd deliver the Charmed Ones.
:''(Patty makes a face)''
:'''Grams''': Oh, well, once removed of course...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grams''': What's the secret ingredient in my blueberry cobbler?
:'''Piper''': Honey, and a splash of rum.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': We didn't go anywhere. We were just standing here, and the next thing we knew...
:'''Phoebe''': We were just standing here.
:'''Patty''': I told you to use poplar buds.
:'''Grams''': It's a perfectly good spell. I mean, it moved them through time.
:'''Patty''': Yeah, ten seconds.

=== ''When Bad Warlocks Turn Good'' ===

:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': Hey, um, you can sleep in my room and I'll sleep with Piper.
:'''Brendan''': Why?
:'''Prue''': Because Phoebe kicks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': ''(peeks into the hall)'' It's clear. 
:''(Piper walks out, followed by Phoebe, then Prue, then Brendan in his vestments.  As they are walking, Greg and Paul come out from around a corner.)''
:'''Greg''': You betrayed us, little brother.  I'm very disappointed.
:'''Brendan''': Leave them out of this, Greg.
:'''Greg''': You're protecting witches now?! You make me sick!
:'''Piper''': Prue?
:'''Prue''': Now!
:''(Piper tries to freeze Greg, but he raises a force field around him.  Phoebe picks up Brendan's knife and throws it at Greg, but Greg raises a force field around him and it bounces off.  Prue tries to throw them into the wall, but it has no effect due to the force fields.)''
:'''Greg''': No, not this time.  I'm ready for you. ''(picks up the knife)'' But family first.
:'''Brendan''': You want me?  Come get me.
:''(Greg grabs the knife and is ready to throw it, but Paul stops him)''
:'''Paul''': Greg, wait!
:'''Prue''': Brendan, don't let them turn you.  Don't use your powers.
:'''Paul''': ''(to Greg)'' Give him a chance. ''(turns to Brendan)'' It's not too late, you can still join us.
:'''Greg''': You are either with us or you are against us!
:'''Brendan''': Then I'm against you.
:'''Greg''': Then you will die. ''(he throws the knife at Brendan, but Paul jumps in front and the knife goes into him instead)''  Damn you, Brendan!
:'''Paul''': No, Greg. ''(he pulls the knife out of him)'' Damn you! ''(He throws the knife and hits Greg, and both slump over dead)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': If you were going to lose a guy, it might as will be to the Big Guy.

=== ''Out of Sight'' ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Then what's wrong with being a couple?
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Well, I thought Leo and I were a couple and then we...coupled and he took off.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': Oops, Busted!
:'''Eric Lumen''': Do you really think so?
:''(Prue swishes her hand then the grass cutter flew to Lumen's car, thus deflating the tires.)''
:'''Eric Lumen''': I-I..you did that! I-I..I saw that...
:'''Prue''': Really? Prove it.
:''(Prue making the potion to vanquish the Grimlocks.)''
:'''Prue''': I feel like I should be cackling.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Prue''': Look Andy, will you please just get her out here?
:'''[[w:Andy Trudeau|Andy]]''': Prue, I'm not leaving the two of you alone.
:'''Prue''': Do I have to use my power on you?
:'''Andy''': I'll meet you up on the street.

=== ''The Power of Two'' ===

:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': I hate cemeteries at night.
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': I hate cemeteries at day.
:''(They hear a noise.)''
:'''Phoebe''': What was that?
:'''Prue''': Probably a zombie or a vampire.
:'''Phoebe''': Great, where's [[w:Buffy the Vampire Slayer|Buffy]] when you need her?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Prue, have you seen my purse?
:'''Prue''': In the kitchen. Have you seen my keys?
:'''Piper''': They're by the T.V. I can't find my plane ticket. Did I give it to you?
:'''Prue''': Maybe you packed it.
:'''Piper''': I didn't just pack it, I just saw it.
:''(Phoebe holds Piper's plane ticket and tries to have a premonition. It works.)''
:'''Phoebe''': I can't believe it.
:'''Prue''': ''(snatches Piper's plane ticket off Phoebe.)'' Found it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': I've been practicing how to call a premonition, and I did it. I saw a future event on command. Oh, and that's the good news. The bad news is... I saw you missing your flight.
:'''Piper''': Oh, great.

=== ''Love Hurts'' ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Okay, you know, you guys take for granted that I'm your innocent yellow pages. Okay, this takes work.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Okay, it's not that easy to break me.
:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': What was it in high school that the guys started calling you after they caught you making out with someone under the bleachers?
:'''Phoebe''': It's not gonna work.
:'''Prue''': What was that? Oh yeah, Freebie! ''(the magazines on a rack spin around and fall off)'' Well, class over.
:'''Phoebe''': You know that was just a rumor, right?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Okay Leo, I brought you some... You do eat right?
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Yes Phoebe, I eat.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Being with her broke the rules. Not being with her breaks my heart.

=== ''Déjà Vu All Over Again'' ===

:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': What am I supposed to say? That I'm a cash strapped, single, restaurant manager, who still lives in the same house I grew up in with my sisters?
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': And the cat, don't forget our cat. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rodriguez''': Prue Halliwell...is a witch.
:'''[[w:Andy Trudeau|Andy]]''': A witch, huh? You wait here, I'll go warn the [[Wizard of Oz]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rodriguez''': Bottom line, I know my partner was killed by a supernatural being and I think Prue Halliwell can help me figure out who did it.
:'''Andy''': Really? Well, I'll just get the Commissioner to signal Batman and then I'll get right on it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''':
::Winds of time gather round,&lt;br&gt;
::Give me wings to speed my way,&lt;br&gt;
::Rush me on my journey forward,&lt;br&gt;
::Let tomorrow be today.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy''': Has Phoebe ever been wrong about her premonitions before?
:'''Prue''': No. But the good news is every other time we've been able to affect the outcome. Stop the demon or warlock before...
:'''Andy''': Before I get killed. Can I get that in writing?

== Season 2 ==

=== ''Witch Trial'' ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Hello? Anybody home? Sister witches, guess what?
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Oh, oh. Are you nuts?
:'''Phoebe''': What are you doing?
:'''Rob''': Hi.
:'''Phoebe''': Hi.
:''(Piper freezes Rob.)''
:'''Piper''': Ooh!
:'''Phoebe''': Hi.
:'''Piper''': Sister witches? I can't believe you said that. What's the matter with you?
:'''Phoebe''': How was I supposed to know that you were gonna be here with anybody? Last I heard that you were meeting a banker friend about the loan. Is this the credit check? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Are you out of your mind?
:'''Phoebe''': What was I supposed to do? Say no? Look at that poor girl.
:'''[[w:Dan Gordon|Dan]]''': Jenny? Jenny, come on. Talk to me.
:'''Prue, Piper and Phoebe''': Whoa!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': What have we got to lose, okay?
:'''Piper''': Well, apparently we've got our clothes to lose.
:'''Phoebe''': I see that. ''[drags Piper towards the rock and starts to undress]''
:'''Piper''': No. Whoa, whoa, wait, what are you doing?
:'''Phoebe''': When in Rome...
:'''Piper''': No, no, no! We're not in Rome, Phoebe, we're in California, and it's illegal here!

=== ''Morality Bites'' ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Wow, what did you buy?
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Doody.
:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': We weren't out of that.
:'''Piper''': No. I stepped in it, again. That man has turned our frontwalk into puppy main field.
:'''Phoebe''': I can not believe that guy still lets his dog do his business right in front of our house.
:'''Prue''': Well, we've left notes.
:'''Piper''': Yes, and that left no where.
:'''Phoebe''': Yes, well, I've had it. Next time I catch him in the act I'm gonna get him a piece of my mind.
:'''Piper''': That couldn't be.
:'''Phoebe''': Oh, I hope it is.
:'''Piper''': That's them. That's a guy and his dog. I can't believe it.
:'''Prue''': That is so rude. He's just gonna walk away.
:'''Phoebe''': Then don't let him. Use your magic.
:'''Piper''': Uh?
:'''Phoebe''': Well, if you can't teach the dog new tricks, how about the owner? Just think on the money we'll save on carpet cleaning alone.
:'''Prue''': Phoebe, we can't use our magic just to teach him or anybody else a lesson.
:'''Phoebe''': Why not? It's for the greater good. I mean that's our job, right? Think of it as a community service. We will do a whole block a favor. Come on! Ok, Piper.
:'''Piper''': Hope he's not out of my range.
:'''Phoebe''': Prue?
:'''Piper''': Nice shot.
:'''Phoebe''': An eye for an eye, a shoe for shoe. Oh, oh.
:'''Prue''': Did he see you?
:'''Phoebe''': So what if he did? What's he gonna do? Cry a witch? ''(the girls turn away from the window)'' Well, we've done our good deed for the day. I think I deserve 15 minutes of channel surfing.
:'''Piper''': Who wants coffee?
:'''Prue''': I'll grind.
:'''Phoebe''': ''(gasps)''
:'''Prue''': Phoebe, are you okay?
:'''Piper''': Take a deep breathe, honey. It's all right.
:'''Phoebe''': No, it's not. I saw my future. I was being executed. Burned alive.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Why would a report about baseball player trigger a premonition like that?
:'''Phoebe''': I don't know. All I know is that I could feel it. I could feel the fire.
:'''Piper''': And we were just standing there? That can't be right.
:'''Phoebe''': That's what I saw.
:'''Prue''': There's no way that we would let that happen. Not in the past, present or future.
:'''Phoebe''': What did I do? Or, what is it that I'm going to do?
:'''Piper''': That's Leo, I'll get that. ''(she opens the door)'' Hey, stranger.
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Is that what I am now?
:'''Piper''': Mhm. Playing hooky?
:'''Leo''': Well, they're making me work tonight, so I got the afternoon off.
:'''Piper''': Mmm, the old &quot;gotta save the world&quot; excuse again?
:'''Leo''': Oh, like you've never had to use it. ''(Piper hesitates)'' You're about to use it.
:'''Piper''': Well, there is just something I have to do. Maybe you could...
:'''Leo''': ''(jingling, Leo looks up)'' Now?
:'''Piper''': Leo?
:'''Leo''': That's okay, I...You go, there's actually something I have take care, so...
:'''Piper''': Well, we really need to talk about things, you know about... where we stand.
:'''Leo''': Yeah, we do. Rain check?
:'''Piper''': That's what we do best. ''(they kiss, but Leo orbs mid-kiss)'' I hate when he does that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prue''': ''(going up to the attic)'' So, what did he want?
:'''Piper''': To cancel our date. He's working late, again.
:'''Phoebe''': You didn't ask him what we should do?
:'''Piper''': He had to fly, literally. The pages are doing that flipping thing on their own again.
:'''Prue''': It's a spell to take us to the future.
:'''Piper''': Two, actually. One to send us and one to bring us home. But, apparently we only get one shot. Once we use it, they disappear.
:'''Phoebe''': Wait a minute you guys. We almost died going back to the past, this is not something that you just do.
:'''Prue''': We're talking about your life, Phoebe.
:'''Phoebe''': And I'm talking about yours, Prue. I'm just saying, I think that we should think this over a little bit.
:'''Prue''': Look, you had that premonition today for a reason. It must mean we're supposed to do something about it. And, going in the future may be the only way to find out what you did to put you on that pyre.
:'''Phoebe''': How do you know it's something that I did? I mean, it might be a demon or a warlock that puts me there.
:'''Prue''': Do you really wanna wait to find out? Okay, pack your bags. We go, try and figure out what happened, and hopefully come back with enough information to stop it. We're gonna need a date, Phoebe.
:'''Phoebe''': Uh, February 12th 2009. That's two weeks before the date I saw in my premonition.
:'''Prue''': All right, that should give to us more than enough time to figure out what put you there.
:'''Piper''': I wonder how I look.
:'''Phoebe''': Piper, you look great. This is hardly the time to...
:'''Piper''': Not now, in the future. When we were back to the seventies we saw ourselves as kids, and now we'll be seeing ourselves walking around ten years older? All the vanquishing? Think about the wear and tear.
:'''Prue''': Okay, well...
:'''Prue''': ''Hear these words, hear the rhyme,''
:'''Piper''': ''We send to you this burning sign,''
:'''Phoebe''': ''Then our future selves we'll find,''
:'''Prue''': ''In another place and time.''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Melinda''': Mommy, mommy, mommy! 
:'''Piper''': Uh, you... I think you have the wrong house. Certainly the wrong mommy.
:'''Melinda''': Stop fooling! Carpool! ''
:''(Piper sees newscast about Phoebe)''
:'''Piper''': Phoebe? Where's the volume?
:'''TV''': Command recognized.
:'''Melinda''': Mommy, I'm gonna be late!
:'''Piper''': Uh, okay! Um...TV, shut up! Mute! Something. ''(she walks to the door)''
:'''Carpool Neighbor''': Morning, Piper. You alright?
:'''Piper''': I guess.
:'''Carpool Neighbor''': Yeah, it's a... with your sister, it's rough, I know. So, don't worry about your little one. I'll get her to school like you asked but uh, you sure you want me to take her to your ex's?
:'''Piper''': Ex? As in husband? As in mine? Yes, if that is what I told you, then yes.
:'''Carpool Neighbor''': So, you and he are getting along better now?
:'''Piper''': Maybe. Prue? Prue?!
:'''Carpool Neighbor''': Okay, let's hit the road.
:'''Melinda''': ''(She goes, but turns back, and whispers)'' Don't worry, mommy. I promise I'll do what you asked. I won't use my magic again, ever.
:''(Piper goes outside and watches them drive off. A limo pulls up. Prue and her assistants get out of the limo. They fuss over her by brushing and touching her.)''
:'''Prue''': Hey, hey, people. Okay, enough! People stop touching me! Stay, stay.
:'''Piper''': Prue, what's going on?
:'''Prue''': I don't know, but I could really get used to it. I mean, check me out. I don't just work at Bucklands, I own it. And three more. Paris, Tokyo and London.
:'''Piper''': And you're blonde.
:'''Prue''': Yeah, strange.
:'''Piper''': Wait, you had time to get to work already?
:'''Prue''': Well, actually, I woke up there but it was amazing. I had all these assistants and this huge office. And I have a chauffeur and he's so totally hot. Uh... How'd you do?
:''(Piper ironically laughs)''
:'''Prue''': Is that a good thing or...?
:''(Piper and Prue get in the house)''
:'''Piper''': Well if you ignore my apparently failed marriage and the fact that I'm still living in the manor...
:'''Prue''': Wait, you are married?
:'''Piper''': Was. My daughter is on her way...
:'''Prue''': Wait. Stop right there. You have a daughter?
:'''Piper''': Yeah. And, and, and... she's... she's beautiful.
:'''Prue''': Oh, of course she is. What's her name?
:'''Piper''': Oh God! I don't know. But Prue, she... she has powers. But for some reason I told her not to use them. Why would I do that?
:'''Prue''': Uh, speaking of why... Why are we in our future bodies? I mean, I thought we were just supposed to come here and see them.
:'''Piper''': Well, apparently going to the past isn't the same as going to the future. I just wish that, since we are in our future bodies, we could have some memory of what's happened in the last ten years, like how I got a daughter!
:'''Prue''': Okay, wait a second. If I'm in my future body, and you are in your future body, then that means that Phoebe...
:'''Piper''': Oh, TV! Louder, louder!
:'''TV''': Command recognized.
:''(in the middle of TV report)''
:'''Piper''': Eight hours? We were supposed to be here two weeks before!
:'''Prue''': Shhhh!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prue''': Oh, surprise! Here we go, up the stairs, into the attic, grabing the Book of Shadows. Please tell me we're still not gonna be doing this in ten years!
:'''Piper''': Apparently not.
:'''Prue''': What?
:'''Piper''': The Book is gone.
:'''Prue''': There's gotta be here. We need it to find a return spell.
:'''Piper''': Prue...
:'''Prue''': Piper, just help me look for it.
:'''Piper''': Okay, relax, we'll find it.
:'''Prue''': You don't know that! I mean, what if it's lost? What if we can't find it? Then we're stuck in our future bodies, with no way of getting out of them, and no way of saving Phoebe!
:''(Prue blows up things on the attic with her improved telekinisis.)''
:'''Piper''': Uh... Been working out?
:'''Prue''': Well, I guess that's a little example of what ten years does to our powers.
:'''Piper''': And to our attic!
:'''Prue''': Hm.
:'''Piper''': The key.
:'''Prue''': It's the key of my wallsafe at Bucklands.
:'''Piper''': Do you think that means it's there? We've never taken the Book out of the house before.
:'''Prue''': Yeah, we haven't, but maybe our future selves have. The question is why.
:'''Piper''': We don't even know what we're like in this time for let alone what we think. But if the Book is at Bucklands maybe it will give us some answers.
:'''Prue'''. All right, then we go there first, then to Phoebe, to see if she's alright. Sorry about the mess.
:'''Piper''': Mhm...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': I can't believe you get a limo and a driver, and I still got my same old car.
:'''Prue''': You have a husband.
:'''Piper''': Had a husband, you mean. I'm getting divorced, remember? And how do you know you don't have a guy in this time? I mean, after all, I have a kid and an ex, you could have several.
:'''Prue''': Ex's?
:'''Piper''': No, kids. I mean, we're in a future, but with no memory of the past ten years. I don't even know who my ex husband...
:''(A man holding a cup of coffee bumps into someone and Piper freezes him before it spills. They look around and notice everything is frozen.)''
:'''Prue''': Okay, apparently my power isn't the only one that's grown. You just froze...
:'''Piper''': Everything! What a difference a decade makes.
:'''Leo''': What the hell are you doing?!
:'''Piper''': Leo, I'm so glad you're here. I have so many... ''(She goes to hug him but he backs away.)'' Uh...what's wrong?
:'''Leo''': You know, I knew you'd do something stupid like this. You used you magic in public. What's the matter with you? Are you insane?
:'''Piper''': Uh, Leo...
:'''Prue''': Remember, he thinks we know what's going on.
:'''Leo''': You wanna end up like your sister? Huh? We had an agreement. No using magic for Melinda's sake.
:'''Piper''': Melinda?
:'''Leo''': Our daughter. What's wrong with you?
:'''Piper''': ''Our'' daughter?
:'''Prue''': Wait a second, you're Piper's ex?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Prue? Piper?
:'''Pratt''': They haven't been to visit you before. Why would they come now? No... They're going to be as happy to get rid of you as I am.
:'''Phoebe''': Who are you?
:'''Pratt''': ''(laughs)'' I'm sorry, it's been so long since my last visit. Executions are bitched to plan: logistics, alerting the media, gathering the kindling.
:'''Phoebe''': Uh... you know, I've had a lot of time to do some thinking about... why I'm here.
:'''Pratt''': Well... no matter thinking will change the outcome. Justice will be served for your crime.
:'''Phoebe''': But it wasn't really a big crime, was it?
:'''Pratt''': You are truly evil. What bigger crime is there than taking a man's life?
:'''Phoebe''': ''(seems shocked)'' I killed someone?
:'''Pratt''': ''(laughs)'' Phoebe, what is this? An atempt to stay your execution? Play insanity? Won't work. You have five hours to live - tik tok.
:'''Phoebe''': What? Five hours? But that's not possible.
:'''Pratt''': Well... I'm happy to see the seriousness of your crime has finally hit you. See... you represent everything I apore. You're a threat. A danger to everything that is good and pure in our world.
:'''Phoebe''': You're talking out of fear. Just because you don't understand something doesn't make it evil.
:'''Pratt''': No, it's you who doesn't understand! You killed the man using your power, and now you're gonna die because of it! I only wish that I can burn all of your kind with you! But don't worry... in time I will. This is only the beginning.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Nobody's gonna rescue you.
:'''Phoebe''': If that is some kind of Whitelighter humor, let me be the first to tell you, you are not a very funny race of people.
:'''Leo''': I wish you remembered what you'd done. It'd make this so much easier. Your future self used witchcraft for vengeance, Phoebe. Pratt is using that as a platform.
:'''Phoebe''': Why does everyone think I killed someone? I wouldn't. I mean, I couldn't. What did I do? Premonition the man to death? My power is passive.
:'''Leo''': Not in the future. It's grown. It's changed. As have you. Which means unfortunately you have to suffer to consequences.
:'''Phoebe''': I don't believe it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': What is it? What's wrong?
:'''Prue''': I have no one to say goodbye to. My life...they didn't even know who you were at the office, my own sister. If we die tonight, my tombstone will read &quot;Here lies Prue, she worked hard.&quot;
:'''Piper''': We're not gonna die. We're gonna find a way back to the present and we'll create a new future.
:'''Prue''': What if we can't? What if we can never get home? According to Phoebe's premonition we fail.
:'''Piper''': Our future selves fail. We still got a shot.
:'''Prue''': You're right, you're right. Let's go get Phoebe.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pratt''': Let today be a lesson to all those who would seek to defy human nature with their way of life. Let today serve notice that black magic will not be tolerated in our society, and let today be remembered as the day we ''burned the witch''!
:'''Prue''': Piper, freeze him! 
:'''Phoebe''': Prue! Piper! 
:'''Piper''': Come on, we're getting you out of here.
:'''Phoebe''': No, wait. You can't. Prue, I'm serious.
:'''Prue''': What are you talking about?
:'''Phoebe''': You guys have to leave. I...deserve to be here. Or, my future self does.
:'''Piper''': But, you killed a ''killer''. Don't be ridiculous. 
:'''Prue''': Look, this is Pratt's personal crusade. This isn't about us, this is about him. Wherever we go, he will follow us. He will hunt us. He will hunt our families. If anybody should be punished, it should be him. ''(she stops, and raises her hand to move Pratt onto the pyre)''
:'''Phoebe''': Prue, what are you doing?!
:'''Prue''': ''(she stares at her hand, and back at Pratt)'' Saving the future for good witches, and our future.
:'''Phoebe''': ''(grabs Prue's arm)'' Prue, wait! ''(Prue looks at her)'' Don't. Don't become a murderer too. It has to end with me. ''(Prue lowers her hand)''
:'''Piper''': Phoebe, he was ''evil''. He deserved what you—
:'''Phoebe''': ''(starting to cry)'' Wrong thing done for the right reason...still the wrong thing. Our job is to protect the innocent...not punish the guilty, and...I crossed that line, and I know that. And now you guys have to know that too. 
:'''Prue''': We are not leaving here without you. 
:'''Phoebe''': Prue, we were sent here for a reason. Maybe not to stop this, like what we thought, but maybe to understand why this has to happen. Why you have to let this happen. ''(openly crying now)'' I don't wanna die, but I don't want you to die because of me. ''(they hug, and Phoebe begins sobbing)'' I love you. ''(she goes back to the pyre, and nods for Piper to unfreeze Pratt, which Piper does. She screams in pain as she burns).''

=== ''The Painted World'' ===

:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': We were talking?
:'''Piper''': I know. About a man in a painting. Listen to this one. &quot;Hallway near club entrance too narrow&quot;?
:'''Prue''': I thought that we had discussed your code violations.
:'''Piper''': Well, I keep finding more. The plumbing, the electrical, the heating, it...none of it is up code.
:'''Prue''': Stop. You’re obsessing.
:'''Piper''': Well, it runs in the family.
:'''Prue''': I don't obsess. I think... intensely... anyway, I can't really help it. I mean, we've seen so many bizarre things, why not a man in a painting. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dan Gordon|Dan]]''': Ok, then, um, I'll tell you what I can do. I'll check out the code violations. See how serious they really are. If you'll help me with the promise I made Jenny. 
:'''Piper''': Deal. Wait... Uh, what's the promise?
:'''Dan''': She needs help with a paper. It's for a bio class, something with the human reproductive system.
:'''Piper''': You mean sex?
:'''Dan''': It's just way too awkward for me to talk with my niece about.
:'''Piper''': Yeah, huh...Sure, not to worry! I have plenty of experience.
:'''Dan''': Really! With sex.
:'''Piper''': No! I mean.. talking about it. Yeah!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': 
::Spirits send the words, from all across the land;&lt;br&gt;
::Allow me to absorb them, through the touch of either hand.&lt;br&gt;
::For twenty-four hours, from seven to seven,&lt;br&gt;
::I will understand all meaning of the words from here to heaven.&lt;br&gt;
::And, uh, p.s. there will be no personal gain.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': I always hoped someone would get my SOS, but I never thought it would be a woman.
:'''Prue''': What, a woman can't rescue a man?
:'''Malcolm''': I'm still waiting.
:'''Prue''': Yeah well keep waiting pal.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Wait. What does this mean? &quot;Absolvo Amitto Amplus Brevis Semper Mea&quot;. Phoebe! Help!
:'''Phoebe''': Piper, no!
:'''Piper''': Phoebeee!
:'''Phoebe''': Piper?
:'''Piper''': Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
:'''Prue''': Piper?
:'''Piper''': What the hell is happening? Where are we?
:'''Prue''': All right, hurry. Just get to the bookcase fast.
:'''Piper''': Whahhh!
:'''Prue''': Watch out.
:'''Piper''': Uhh!!! Whoa!!! Whoa!!! Wow!!!
:'''Malcolm''': Don't tell me she's the sister witch who was gonna save us.

=== ''The Devil's Music'' ===

:'''Chris Barker''': Speaking of getting off the ground, that plane trip to Paris is still on open for discussion isn't it?  Hasn't that raincheck burned a hole in your pocket by now?
:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': Look I really appreciate your offer
:'''Chris Barker''': It's not an offer Prue, it's a dinner request.
:'''Prue''': In Paris!
:'''Chris Barker''':You know what they call french bread in France?
:'''Prue''': Bread.
:'''Chris Barker''': Exactly!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Phoebe, we can't even give our cat a vitamin, how are we going to get this down a demon's throat?
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': In this.
:'''Piper''': What is that?
:'''Phoebe''': It's a balloon.
:'''Piper''': Okay, where is it?
:'''Phoebe''': Where's what?
:'''Piper''': The spoonful of sugar big enough to hide that thing.
:'''Phoebe''': You're looking at her.

=== ''She's a Man, Baby, a Man!'' ===

:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Lives are at stake Prue, innocent men are going to die. We're your sisters, Prue, we're not going to laugh.
:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': ''(comes out of the bathroom, dressed as a guy)'' How can I save anyone? Okay, I look ridiculous, I am wearing clothes from the ex-boyfriends pile, I have hair in strange places and I have a PENIS! ''(as Phoebe starts giggling)'' This is so not funny!
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Hahahaha.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dating service worker''': What do you look for in a woman?
:'''[[w:Dan Gordon|Dan]]''': What do I look for? I don't know, I'm old-fashioned I guess, I look for the girl next door. Someone with a good heart, and personality and looks to match. The kind of girl that, when I leave for work in the morning, I wait just a little bit 'till she leaves for work too, just to catch a glimpse of that long dark hair and great smile. Hoping that maybe, one day, she'll notice that I'm watching and she'll smile back at me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': It didn't start happening until she sucker-punched Owen.
:'''Prue''': Well you had a problem, I fixed it.
:'''Phoebe''': Oh, you bet your butt you did. You nearly broke his jaw.
:'''Prue''': I saved his life. Look, you're the one who told me I had to practice being a man, right, so I acted on instinct. And to tell you the truth, the moment I hit him, I felt powerful and strong like somehow that made me a man.
:'''Piper''': You want to know how to be a real man, look at Dan. Honest, kind, good heart. The type of guy who would risk being late for work just to make you smile, not some bully who walks around thinking one punch is going to change anything.
:'''Prue''': She learned all that just from looking out a window.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Oh yeah, nice body, great tan.
:'''Prue''': Awesome truck.
:'''Phoebe''': You know I think you really are becoming a man.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prue''': She knocked me out guys, I mean really, it was like I was in a trance, I was weak in the knees. And for a moment I felt her need not to be rejected, as though it would devastate her.
:'''Phoebe''': Great, we're dealing with a sensitive man-killing demon.

=== ''That Old Black Magic'' ===

:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': 200 years ago a good witch turned evil, started using her craft against innocents. Fortunately she was tricked into a cave and entombed, but unfortunately, this morning, Tuatha escaped.
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Tuatha, who wouldn't go bad with a name like that!

=== ''They're Everywhere'' ===

:'''Dr. Stone''': Did you find Eric?
:'''Another warlock''': No.
:'''Dr. Stone''': Not good. He's being protected by a time-freezing witch.
:'''Another warlock''': And Bruce Lee's little sister.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Jack's not a warlock.
:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': He's a jerk.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dan''': Someday, somehow, I'm going to make it through that damn door.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prue''': They really shouldn't have given us the finger.
:'''Piper''': You read my mind.

=== ''P3 H2O'' ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': [[w:Elmer Fudd|Be vewy vewy quiet, we're hunting demons!]]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': I know somebody who can see anything.
:'''Phoebe''': Oh, no. Wait a minute. You tiptoe around the subject of Mom, you deny looking like her, you can’t even go to the end of that dock because you’re afraid to walk in her footsteps and now you want me to relive her last moments? How is that fair?
:'''Prue''': It’s not. None of this is. Mom’s death, Sam’s guilt. But I’m asking you to help me end it.

=== ''Ms. Hellfire'' ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Remember, I taught you how to french kiss.
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': You broke your ankle when you were seven. Come on Prue, we went to Duran Duran together, you stretched out my leg warmers.
:'''Phoebe''': And then you gave them to me.

=== ''Heartbreak City'' ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Fifth wheel cutting in.
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Oh would you stop that.
:'''Phoebe''': Well it is a double date.
:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': It would have been a triple date if Kevin hadn't cancelled.
:'''Phoebe''': I know, it seems to be an epidemic lately, guys cancelling on me.
:'''Piper''': You know what happens when they cancel?
:'''Prue''': Ooh, back to square one!
:'''Piper''': Do not pass go
:'''Phoebe''': And all accrued nookies credits are thrown out!
:'''Jack''': There's a penalty?
:'''Prue''', '''Piper''' &amp; '''Phoebe''': Oh Yeah!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prue''': So we're actually supposed to believe that you're Cupid?
:'''Cupid''': You believe in warlocks and demons but you can't believe in me?
:'''Piper''': Where's the chubby baby?
:'''Phoebe''': Guys.
:'''Prue''': And the bow and arrow?
:'''Cupid''': Where's the warty chins, hooked noses and pointy hats?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': You're still gonna have to back up the Cupid claim.
:'''Cupid''': Okay, fine. ''(he points to Piper)'' Dan, ''(points to Prue)'' Jack, ''(points to Phoebe)'' Clay ''(points to Prue)'' Andy. My sincerest condolences. Eric in London, Alec in college, ''(points to Piper)'' Not Jeremy the warlock, Joe in college, Barry in high school, Tim in eighth grade, ''(points to Phoebe)'' Ken, Kyle, Steve, Mike, Ken again, Brian, Joel, ''(Prue and Piper look at Phoebe surprised)'' Martin, Peter, Paul, Tony.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drazi''': ''(scoffs at Cupid)'' Hiding behind witches' skirts?
:'''Piper''': Stealing things that don't belong to you?

=== ''Reckless Abandon'' ===

:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': We have a baby?
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Phoebe picked it up at the police station. 
:'''Prue''': Okay, I thought you were going to request a job, not a kid.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Piper, you'll be fine, don't be afraid.
:'''Prue''': Yeah, Just think of it as a test run.
:'''Piper''': I don't need a test run. I remember when Phoebe was a baby, and it was hard on Mom, and endless, and with you dropping her all the time!
:'''Phoebe''': What?!
:'''Prue''': Oh, moving on!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prue''': I thought that babies slept. A lot.
:'''Phoebe''': Yeah, obviously one of those lies they tell you so you'll want to get pregnant.

=== ''Awakened'' ===

:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Wait, you enrolled? Phoebe, this is huge.
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Hugest thing I've done since I came back home. I mean, aside from vanquishing demons, and saving the world from evil, of course!

=== ''Animal Pragmatism'' ===

:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Why do we seem to have a habit of gathering our men at the scene of a supernatural smackdown?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': I want you all to know that I'm a vegetarian, so I've never eaten any of you!

=== ''Pardon My Past'' ===

:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': Great party. We should do this more often.
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Yeah. Maybe next time we can trim the guest list by one.
:'''Prue''': Piper. I had to invite Leo. He was at the club when I went to go pick up the supplies. He knew that we were throwing a party.
:'''Piper''': Well, didn't you think maybe he'd feel a little awkward being here because of Dan?
:'''Prue''': It doesn't look like he feels too awkward to me. Look, Piper, he's been mortal for what? A couple of weeks now? I mean, I felt bad for him. He doesn't know anybody and it's not like there's a fallen Whitelighters support group to join or anything.
:'''Piper''': Prue, I'm not upset with you. I'm just… I'm…I'm upset with the whole situation.
:'''Prue''': Well, Leo's just going to have to accept the fact that you're with... Dan now. You are still with Dan, right?
:'''Piper''': Yes. Of course. What do you think they're talking about? 
:'''Prue''': You.
:'''Piper''': Great.
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Hey, you guys! Give me a break, it's after midnight, I have mentors tomorrow.
:'''Piper''': Sorry Pheebs. Didn't realize we were being so loud.
:'''Prue''': Why don't you take a study break? Clear your head, come on down.
:'''Phoebe''': I can't, I have too many phobias. To learn about for my psych exam. I had no idea there are so many. Claustrophobia, arachnophobia, kleptophobia, phallusphobia.
:'''Prue''': Relaxaphobia.
:'''Phoebe''': Cute.
:'''Prue''': Just trying to help.
:'''Phoebe''': You can help by keeping it down. Did I mention it's after midnight?
:'''Piper''': Twice.
:'''Prue''': Party's breaking up anyway.
:'''Phoebe''': Thank you.
:'''Piper''': What the hell are they talking about?
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': My favorite ball player? Joe DiMaggio. Hands down.
:'''[[w:Dan Gordon|Dan]]''': DiMaggio? No, I meant when you were growing up.
:'''Leo''': DiMaggio was... my grandfather’s favorite. That’s why he’s mine too.
:'''Dan''': You know Leo, this is just an observation, but uh, you don't like to talk about your past that much. Do you?
:'''Leo''': It's just not all that interesting, really.
:'''Dan''': Not that interesting? I mean, being in the army sounds pretty interesting. How, I mean, how long have you been out?
:'''Leo''': Piper.
:'''Piper''': Hi guys. Having fun? Not talking about me too much, I hope.
:'''Dan''': No. No. Not at all.
:'''Piper''': No?
:'''Dan''': Actually Leo was about to fill me in on his army experience.
:'''Piper''': The army? Huh. Whoops. Look at the time. Gotta call it a night. Party's over.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Good night everybody.
:'''Phoebe''': Finally.
:'''Prue''': You guys be safe.
:'''A Man''': Thank you.
:'''Phoebe''': Okay, I asked you guys once to keep it down...
:'''Piper''': Phoebe?
:'''Prue''': Phoebe? Hey, are you alright?
:'''Phoebe''': Uh... Yeah. I think so.
:'''Piper''': What happened?
:'''Phoebe''': I don't know. But I'd sure like to find out.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Thanks.
:'''Leo''': You sure you're alright?
:'''Phoebe''': I'm fine, really.
:'''Dan''': You're lucky. Falling down like that you really could've hurt yourself.
:'''Prue''': Maybe we should call it a night, huh? Let her get some rest.
:'''Piper''': Uh, okay. I'll walk you out.
:'''Dan''': Okay. Hey, Leo. Comin'?
:'''Phoebe''': Er, no... He has to stay here and...
:'''Prue''': ...Um, take glasses back to P3.
:'''Dan''': Now? At this hour?
:'''Piper''': I'm a tough boss. Ready?
:'''Leo''': Nice chatting with you.
:'''Dan''': Yeah, you too.
:'''Leo''': I thought he'd never leave.
:'''Piper''': The hell were you two ''chatting'' about all night?
:'''Prue''': Piper, do you mind? Phoebe, so what really happened?
:'''Phoebe''': Uh... Okay, I heard what I thought were party noises. So I came downstairs to check and to yell at you guys. And... I was attacked. By something invisible.
:'''Prue''': So, what, like a ghost?
:'''Phoebe''': I didn't sense another being. It was more, um... I don't know. Like-like a daydream, I guess.
:'''Piper''': A daydream? Since when do daydreams attack people?
:'''Phoebe''': It wasn't really an attack, it was more of... a seduction.
:'''Leo''': Interesting daydream.
:'''Phoebe''': Yeah.
:'''Prue''': So, I guess the question is what was it?
:'''Phoebe''': Have you ever run across anything like this? I mean, as a Whitelighter?
:'''Leo''': Not really.
:'''Piper''': Which means we have no idea if it's going to strike again or not.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Ok. Family tree. I know I saw one somewhere.
:'''Piper''': Uh, I still don't understand.
:'''Phoebe''': We were all related. Cousins. And we lived here at the manor back in the twenties.
:'''Piper''': Together? Here? So much for evolution.
:'''Prue''': Wait. So you saw us in our past lives? I mean, did we look the same?
:'''Phoebe''': Uh, yeah. You did, actually. Kind of.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''':
::In this time and in this place,&lt;br&gt;
::Take this spirit I displace,&lt;br&gt;
::Bring it forth while I go back,&lt;br&gt;
::To inhabit a soul so black.

=== ''Give Me a Sign'' ===

:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': What are you guys doing here?
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': We are rescuing you! From the tall, dark and NAKED man!!!!
:'''Prue''': I told you to stay away.
:'''Phoebe''': Yeah, now I know why. He is yummy. ''(clears her throat.)''
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': I don’t believe this! We’ve been frantic, worried sick about you thinking you’ve been kidnapped...
:'''Prue''': Yeah, I was...
:'''Piper''': ''(points to the side of the bed)'' Panties.
:'''Prue''': Oh, oh! ''(She rushes to the bedside and picks them up.)'' Huh, thanks. Look, uh, you guys have really got this all uh—(looks at her underwear in her hand) wrong.
:'''Piper''': Yeah, we know. It’s a trap.
:'''Phoebe''': A tall, dark, and naked trap.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Leo's mortal now and everything, but for how long? I mean, how do I know he won't want his wings back someday? And then there's Dan. Who is still great. And normal. Which is good, considering I'm not.
:'''Phoebe''': 28 minutes, 33 seconds.
:'''Piper''': Really? We ran that long? 
:'''Phoebe''': No, I've been timing how long you've been comparing Leo and Dan. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': 
::I beseech all powers above,&lt;br&gt;
::Send a sign to free my sisters heart,&lt;br&gt;
::One that will lead her to her love.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': First, I'd like to tell you how relieved I am you're okay.
:'''Phoebe''': Me too. 
:'''Piper''': And secondly, I'd like to tell you that you have completely lost your mind.
:'''Phoebe''': Completely lost your mind!

=== ''Murphy's Luck'' ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Stop trying to predict the future, that's my job.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': What would I do without you?
:'''Phoebe''': Oh suffer endlessly, no doubt.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''':
::From this moment on,&lt;br&gt;
::Your pain is erased,&lt;br&gt;
::Your bad luck as well,&lt;br&gt;
::Enjoy your good luck Maggie,&lt;br&gt;
::You're free from this hell.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Piper, are you mad at me?
:'''Piper''': No, don't be ridiculous. Why would I be mad at you?
:'''Leo''': I don't know, that's why I'm asking. What is it?
:'''Piper''': It's just, um, Dan.
:'''Leo''': Oh. Never mind, sorry I asked.
:'''Piper''': Um, he's-he's going to be... He's going to be very upset when he finds out... you're the one that I really love.
:'''Leo''': Yeah?
:'''Piper''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': That can't be right. How many swizzle sticks?
:'''Leo''': ''(staring at her legs)'' Who's counting?

=== ''How to Make a Quilt Out of Americans'' ===

:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Alright, I'm only doing this for you guys. And if I get killed, I'm gonna haunt the both of you forever.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''':
::What Witches done and the undone,&lt;br&gt;
::Return this spirit back within,&lt;br&gt;
::And separate him from his skin.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prue, Piper, and Phoebe''':
::Powers of the the witches rise,&lt;br&gt;
::Course unseen across the skies,&lt;br&gt;
::Come to us who call you near,&lt;br&gt;
::Come to us and settle here.

=== ''Chick Flick'' ===

:'''Finley Beck''':  So when is this photographer blessing us with his presence?
:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''':  That would be me.
:'''Finley Beck''': You're 12.
:'''Prue''': Oh, I'm good!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prue''': Well, the house is a mess again. I mean, how come we can't fight the demon of cleanliness, or the demon of housekeeping, or even that bald Mr. Clean guy. I would so totally take him on.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': We have got to  do something about that COMPLEXION!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Hello, privacy!
:'''Prue''': Hello, ax-murderer! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': I'm being stalked by psycho killers and I hide in the shower?!?!?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Billy''': It's okay. The man is here to save the day.
:'''Prue''': Billy, it's the 21st century. It's the woman's job to save the day.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prue''': ''(after taking a picture of Piper)'' So, I think I'll call this, &quot;Woman Pretending ''Not'' to Look Out the Window&quot;.
:'''Piper''': ''(walking towards Prue with mug)'' How about &quot;Girl About to Pour Hot Tea on Sister's Head&quot;?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': ''(after drinking the potion and making a face)'' Mm! Tastes like ass!
:''(Billy gives her a look through the screen.)''
:'''Piper''': ... sphalt.

=== ''Ex Libris'' ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Hey, hi, I'm Phoebe.
:'''Charlene''': I'm Charlene. Actually we've met. We even carpooled. Metaphysics 301, remember?
:'''Phoebe''': Oh, that's right and your dad is the professor of that class, right?
:'''Charlene''': Yeah, dirty rat, he gave me a C. We don't get along in anything. Even metaphysics. But I'm hoping that'll change when I finish my thesis, get published, he'll finally have to take me seriously. I'll quit before I start telling you about my mother.
:'''Phoebe''': No, it's okay. I've been studying here for so long it's nice to have someone to talk to. So what's your thesis about?
:'''Charlene''': It's about the existence of demons in our world.
:'''Phoebe''': Demons?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Prue, wh-what are you doing in here?
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Piper, can you hand me a towel? Prue!
: '''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''':  Hey Leo, nice orbs.
:'''Piper''': Bye... Bye!
:'''Prue''': Ow!
:'''Piper''': Let me help you, let me help you. Alright, go on, sicko.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Still Phoebe, you have to take care of yourself. You have to get some rest.
:'''Phoebe''': After. Piper, I did not go back to college to fail at it, okay. So what do I have to do? Okay, I'm gonna go change and then I'm gonna go to the library. Now, if any demon or warlock attacks, please just fend them off till Saturday. ''(to Leo)'' I have a question for you. Is it possible for someone to find proof that demons really do exist?
:'''Leo''': Mmm, I don't know, maybe. But even if anybody did, nobody would ever know about it anyway.
:'''Phoebe''': What do you mean?
:'''Leo''': Well, evil doesn't want anybody to know. It has a system for covering its tracks, protecting its identity. That's why demons disappear when you guys vanquish them.
:'''Piper''': Why do you ask?
:'''Phoebe''': Just curious. Okay, adios.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Were you close to you dad?
:'''Leo''': Uhh, well, that was long time ago. A different life time. I prefer to focus on the present.
:'''Piper''': So do I, which means I have to go, I have a dentist appointment. How long can you stay?
:'''Leo''': Uh, until they call.
:'''Piper''': Well, if they don't call before lunch, why don't you meet me at the club. I'll buy.
:'''Leo''': Well, you'll have to. Whitelighter pay sucks.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Alright, back to your position. Go on.
:'''Leo''': Are you kidding me? He's about to clock me.
:'''Piper''': I'm sorry, I can't help you with that. Let's go, let's go.
:'''[[w:Dan Gordon|Dan]]''': Ow! Piper, where'd you come from?
:'''Piper''': I'll be the one asking the questions. What the hell is going on?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prue''': Anybody here?
:'''Phoebe''': In here.
:'''Prue''': Hey. Oh, good, I was looking for that. Wait, what are you doing with the book?
:'''Phoebe''': Oh, I'm looking for the demon that's gonna kill me. I just love getting those premonitions.
:'''Prue''': Oh, okay, what premonition? When?
:'''Phoebe''': About an hour ago. Right after I was trying to tell Charlene that she's dead.
:'''Prue''': I'm lost.
:'''Phoebe''': Oh sorry! Wrong sister.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': I'm home!
:'''Prue''': Come on.
:'''Piper''': Where are we going?
:'''Phoebe''': We'll explain on the way there.
:'''Piper''': Who's that?
:'''Phoebe''': Let's go, let's go. That's my dead friend.

=== ''Astral Monkey'' ===

:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Ever done it on a cloud?
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Does a featherbed count?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': ''(about Leo)'' You really think he's here that much?
:'''Phoebe''': He's like the big brother I never wanted... uh... I mean, had.

=== ''Apocalypse Not'' ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Are you telling me evil called good and good answered?

=== ''Be Careful What You Witch For'' ===

:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Dan is back in town. 
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': So? What am i supposed to go. Just hide out till he decides to leave again?
:'''Piper''': So, what am I going to tell him? The last time I saw him he handed me proof that you were killed in 1942. He's going to expect a reaction from me.
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': How about, 'Hey Dan, you're right, I am a necrophiliac. '.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Where you off to?
:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': Lunch date with Dick.
:'''Phoebe''': Dull Dick? Prue, you are too hot to have to duty date.
:'''Prue''': Yeh, well. all demon hunting and no play has made me a lot less picky. I gotta figure out a way to put more balance in my life.
:'''Piper''': Yeh, but you don't need Dick!
:'''Phoebe''': You know, we keep saying that, but what does it ''really'' mean?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Genie''': You're probably a little upset right?
:'''Piper''': No, I've moved past upset and right to pissed off.

== Season 3 ==
=== ''The Honeymoon's Over'' ===

: '''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': If Piper ever comes back, I'm going to kill her. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Piper!
: '''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': This is so not happening.
: '''Leo''': Listen to me, Piper. I told you, I've thought this whole thing through.
: '''Piper''': Uh huh. Is that why you asked me to marry you in a toilet?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': Okay any mass vanquishing spells?
: '''Phoebe''': You're the one who's been studying the book.
: '''Prue''': Why are you picking on me?
: '''Phoebe''': Because I'm scared and we're outnumbered.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Piper''': So, why did you do that to your hair?
: '''Phoebe''': To change my luck.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Phoebe''': Okay, what was that all about? I didn’t even get to bitch at her.

=== '' Magic Hour  ''  ===

: '''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': I hate to be the bearer of bad news.
: '''Piper''': Can't you possibly be the bearer of a big hug?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': Yeah, well, rules are meant to be broken.
: '''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Yeah, but bodies weren't.
: '''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': And neither were hearts.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''[[w:Penny Halliwell|Grams]]''': You need guidance, some advice on a certain sister situation. Am I getting warm?
: '''Phoebe''': Red hot. But wait a minute, if you know, that means that they know, and if they know then we are f...
: '''Grams''': Fine.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Prue''': What love can't conquer, we will.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Cole''': You better be careful or a guy might think he's been followed.
:''(Phoebe laughs)''
: '''Piper''': You better be careful or a girl might think her sister's getting a really cheesy pick up line.

=== '' Once Upon a Time  ''  ===

:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Come on, Phoebe, trolls and fairies? You don't believe that stuff.
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Sure, why not?
:'''Piper''': ''(to Prue)'' Well, maybe it's time we tell her about Santa... 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Why are you being so stubborn about this?
:'''Phoebe''': Because I'm a Scorpio, what's your excuse? 
:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': Okay. So, it's kinda late, and, ummm, we're all a little bit tired so how about we finish this up tomorrow?
:'''Phoebe''': Now look what you did, you went and turned Prue into the middle child.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': We all had the same invisible fairy friend Piper. That is proof that fairies exist.
:'''Piper''': Or it proves that one of us had a really fertile imagination, and the other two were really big copycats.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': I'm done.
:'''Phoebe''': What does that mean?
:'''Piper''': That means that the Powers That Be haven't done anything but ruin my life, so I'm not doing anything for them anymore. Ok? ''(walks around Phoebe)'' I going now. ...I'm going now. 
:'''Phoebe''': I think she's on strike.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kate''': Thistle says that if you really believe in fairies, there's something that can make you innocent again so you can see her. ''(She throws fairy dust on Prue &amp; Phoebe, who begin to giggle and act like little girls.)''
:'''Kate''': I think it worked.
:'''Prue''': ''(bouncing up and down)'' I want to see the fairy.
:'''
:''(Kate opens her jewelry box, and a fairy flies out. Prue &amp; Phoebe's jaws drop.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Prue''': Okay, what was I supposed to say? That some unknown demon came in to try and steal our magic book and then little trolls came and pushed us down the stairs?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': I am a good person. I'm a good witch. And ''damnit'', I would have made a great wife. And how dare you take that from me? I deserve...no what  no, I ''demand'', that you send him back to me. You hear me? I'm going to stand in this ''very spot'' until you ''send'' Leo back to me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Prue''': It's just... You don't seem very open.
:'''Piper''': I'm as open as I'm gonna get in the next 5 minutes, so, let's just do the damn spell.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Prue, Piper, Phoebe''':
::In this tween time, this darkest hour,&lt;br&gt;
::We call upon the sacred power,&lt;br&gt;
::Three together stand alone,&lt;br&gt;
::Command the unseen to be shown,&lt;br&gt;
::In innocence we search the skies,&lt;br&gt;
::Enchanted are our newfound eve  
: '''Prue''': lets go to the doorway and Piper you freeze
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Phoebe''': Dammit Dammit Dammit, whats the use of the power if i cant use if when i need it
: '''Prue''': Whats it doing
: '''Piper''': I think it wants us to follow it
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Prue''': Now thats how i like my tolls medium well 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Prue''': I think this is someones way of saying thank you
:''' Piper''': Am i dreaming? Hugs leo
:''' Leo''': Their giving us to change to show them that we can be together and still do our work then they will let us be together

=== '' All Halliwell's Eve  ''  ===

: '''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': Hey, are you a good witch or a bad witch?
: '''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': I'm going to be a very good witch from now on.
: '''Prue''': And you picked a role model that wears lots and lots of pink?
: '''Piper''': Yes.
: '''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Glinda helped innocents didn't she?
: '''Piper''': Yes.
: '''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': You had the answer all along? That's not help, that's mind games.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Phoebe''': This costume happens to be a protest statement.
: '''Prue''': I am so impressed that you can make a protest statement and show cleavage all at the same time.
: '''Phoebe''': Thanks.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Piper''': Nice costume.
: '''[[w:Darryl Morris|Darryl]]''': It's from my rookie days. Still fits.
: '''Leo''': Mine too.
: '''Darryl''': Isn't that from World War II? Who are you?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Piper''': Flee! We're not in Kansas anymore! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Prue''': From what they're wearing it looks to be what the 16...1700's...
: '''Phoebe''': Where the life expectancy of the average witch is, oh, 15 minutes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Eva''': This doorway would have told us if you were evil.
: '''Piper''': Huh! Where can we get one of those?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Piper''': ''(referring to the elders)'' Oh, leave it to them to zap first and give instructions never.

=== '' Sight Unseen  ''  ===

: '''[[w:Darryl Morris|Darryl]]''': Well, on the human side of things, I need you guys to put together a grudge list of any enemies you have past or present.
: '''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': Already done.
: '''Darryl''': Abraxas, Barbas, Yama... What did you do? Date the United Nations?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': What are those?
: '''Prue''': A way to always be prepared.
: '''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': These are very large contraceptives, Prue.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Phoebe''': I'm bummed for you Piper, but I've got to tell you, Leo is looking fine!
: '''Piper''': I thought you said you didn’t see anything.
: '''Phoebe''': I didn’t… at least nothing good!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Phoebe''': You didn't nearly catch a demon, you nearly killed a district attorney. My district attorney!

=== '' Primrose Empath  ''  ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': I have a date with Cole.
:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': You say that like it's a bad thing.
:'''Phoebe''': It's a lunch date!
:'''Prue''': So?
:'''Phoebe''': So! It's a bad sign. Lunch is a cheap imitation of dinner, that's why it has its own special menu.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Sometimes being magical takes the magic right out of things.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prue''': What's your last name?
:'''Vinceres''': Misery.
:'''Prue''': In that case, would you like some company?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': So...how about those Niners?
:'''[[w:Cole Turner|Cole]]''': What?
:'''Phoebe''': The Niners. The Forty-Niners. The football team. You don't follow football? [to Leo and Piper] He isn't human.
:'''Cole''': ''(coughs on his water)'' Check!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Phoebe, I know you're upset Leo crashed your lunch date but...
:'''Phoebe''': No, it's not that. Cole is pulling away from me again, I can see it.
:'''Piper''': Premonition?
:'''Phoebe''': Intuition. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': We'll help you out.
:'''Prue''': No, no, no. I'll hit the book alone. Your guys couple issues are really starting to hurt my head.
:'''Piper''': Wait, we have couple issues?
:'''Prue''': Resentment. Denial. Be nice!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Here he is. Vinceres, hmm... Pretty much lives up to his gloss. Unstoppable hitman. Just keeps going until he gets his target.
:'''Phoebe''': Great. The energizer demon.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prue''':
::Free thee empath,&lt;br&gt;
::Release his gift,&lt;br&gt;
::Let his pain be cast adrift.

=== '' Power Outage  ''  ===

: '''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': Phoebe? Phoebe! Hi. I hate to interrupt your whole &quot;staring off into space aimlessly&quot; thing that you've got going on right now, but in case you forgot, evil Triad agent.
: '''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Like you would ever let me forget, Prue.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''[[w:Cole Turner|Cole]]''': ''(to himself)'' I'm sorry but we have to stop seeing each other, okay. Why? Because, because I have to kill you that's why. Smooth.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Phoebe''': This is important, he wants to have the talk. You know, are we a couple, are we a one-nighter, are we friends, are we friends that had a one-nighter...?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Prue''': What is your problem?
: '''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': You are. Get your own damn club and keep your paws off of mine!
: '''Prue''': Okay, whoa, obviously somebody needs a Midol. ''(Andras peeks inside the kitchen)''
: '''Piper''': And I am so sick of all of your stuff laying around.  If you can't put your equipment away, then I will! ''(grabs a lens and throws it to the floor, just as Andras infects Prue with rage)''
: '''Prue''': ''(does a slow burn)'' Who the hell do you think you are?! ''(grabs a blender and smashes it on the floor)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Piper''': &quot;Sure, you can use P3 for a photo shoot.&quot; Hello? Remember me?
: '''Prue''': Oh, poor Piper!  Well, you know what?  The martyr routine's really getting old.
: '''Phoebe''': Hey guys, what's going on?
: '''Prue and Piper''': ''(to Phoebe)'' Shut up!
: '''Prue''': You know what? I am so sorry I didn't check with you about your stupid little club, but I was busy being the only witch concerned about the Triad.
: '''Piper''': Oh, right--without the mighty Prue Halliwell, we'd all be dead.  Get over yourself, Prue.
: '''Phoebe''': Sisters, what has gotten into you two?
: '''Prue''': ''(to Phoebe)'' By the way, you owe me for a car tow and a tank of gas, you little leech!
: '''Phoebe''': I'm sorry, is it &quot;Gang Up On Phoebe Day' and nobody told me?
: '''Piper''': News flash--the world does not revolve around Phoebe!
: '''Prue''': Yeah, so while you spend the night screwing the DA, we are stuck picking up your slack. ''(Andras, watching outside the window, infects Phoebe with rage)''
: '''Phoebe''': What's the matter, Prue? Jealous?  All work and no play making you even more boring?
: '''Prue''': Oh yeah, there's a lot to be jealous of, Phoebe. What, jealous that I'm still in school? Jealous that I'm still unemployed?  And jealous that I am still living off of my sisters?
: '''Piper''': Yeah, Grams said you'd never amount to anything. 
: '''Prue''': I am so sick that I have been saddled with the two of you my entire life!
: '''Phoebe''': Whatever, I'm leaving!
: '''Piper''': Oh sure--you're such an immature brat, you leave every time you can't hack something. 
: '''Phoebe''': Well, there's nothing keeping me here now, is there?
: '''Prue''': Oh, well I see that you inherited Dad's talent for bailing!
: '''Phoebe''': That's because the two of us couldn't deal with living with the two of you!
: '''Piper''': Well, at least I'm not so stupid that I had to do college twice.
: '''Phoebe''':  Well, at least I had the courage to go ''away'' to college.  What's the matter, Piper? The real world too much for you? I am so sick of the two of you ganging up on me and judging me! 
: '''Prue''': I am so sick of saving your asses!
: '''Piper''': I'm sick of being taken for granted, and those are mine! ''(yanks one of her earrings off Phoebe's ear)''
: '''Phoebe''': Ouch! Bitch!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Phoebe''': Has the tribal council spoken? Am I booted off the island?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Prue''': Who needs Oprah when we can do it ourselves?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Prue''': Okay, that's new.
: '''Phoebe''': Demon with...demon filling.

=== ''Sleuthing with the Enemy ''  ===

: '''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': Pig's feet.
: '''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Yecch.
: '''Prue''': Ecch?
: '''Piper''': Yecch.
: '''Prue''': So you can slice off a chunk of demon flesh, but you can't touch a pig's foot?
: '''Piper''': I'm a vegetarian.
: '''Prue''': Since when?
: '''Piper''': Since now.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Prue''': Who are you?
: '''Krell''': I'm Krell. I'm a Zotar.
: '''Prue''': I'm Prue. I'm a Scorpio. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Krell''': Just the thought of working with you two turns my stomachs.
: '''Piper''': Stomachs?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Prue''': Listen, here's the deal. Belthazor killed the Triad, now the Source wants him dead. Krell is trying to suck up to the Source, so he wants to kill Belthazor
: '''Piper''': Belthazor wants to kill us so the Source won't kill him.
: '''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': And if you work with Krell he can kill Belthazor before he kills you.
: '''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Works for me!
: '''Krell''': How do you witches ever get anything done?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Piper''': We're going to vanquish Phoebe's boyfriend? That's gonna cause some problems. 
 &lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Prue, Piper, and Phoebe''':
::Spirits of air, forest and sea;
::Set us of this demon free;
::Beasts of hoof and beasts of shell,
::Drive this evil back to hell!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Prue, Piper, and Phoebe''':
::Magic forces black and white,&lt;br&gt;
::Reaching out through space and light,&lt;br&gt;
::Be he far or be he near,&lt;br&gt;
::Bring us the demon Belthazor here.

=== '' Coyote Piper ''  ===

: '''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Come on Piper, isn't this supposed to be a fun thing. You know, going back and seeing all your old friends.
: '''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': You weren't by any chance popular in high school were you?
: '''Leo''': Well I was.. I mean.. Is there a right answer to this question?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Piper''': What I mean is I'm this super powerful witch who's engaged to a whitelighter saving the world from evil on a daily freaking basis, and all these people are going to see is the same pitiful loser who still lives at home with her sisters and her unemployed boyfriend.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': Come on, why do you even care what those people think?
:'''Piper''': Only a former cheerleader could ask that question.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Prue''': Wow, you only scored a four, that is just so sad.
: '''Justin Harper''': Excuse me, but you only scored a five out of ten on my list.
: '''Prue''': Right, So I got an F, but dude, you got an F-!
: '''Justin Harper''': Ouch! That's a bad high school flashback.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Terra''': What kind of witch can't vanquish a demon without her sisters?
: '''Piper''': What the hell kind of demon has a panic attack everytime her boyfriend comes to visit? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Prue''': Oh my god.. and she's been acting really.. and she left without saying.. and and the bottle, she wanted to destroy it.
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': I'm trying to jump on your thought train but you're moving a little too fast for me here.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Prue, Piper, and Phoebe''':
::Let flesh be flesh and bone be bone,&lt;br&gt;
::The alchemist will transform none,&lt;br&gt;
::Cruel scientist of evil born,&lt;br&gt;
::With these words face the fires scorn.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Prue, Piper, and Phoebe''':
::Host soul, reject the poison essence,&lt;br&gt;
::Let loves light end this cruel possession.

=== '' We All Scream for Ice Cream ''  ===

:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': Alright, well, nothing usually means something, and something usually means a boy, so...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': He's still staring at me!
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': That’s not staring, that’s flirting! 
:'''Piper''': You say tomato…
:'''Phoebe''': No! I say relaxo!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Prue, it's me leaving you another message after leaving Phoebe another message. I tried you at work, but they said you never checked in after your shoot, so where are you guys? ''(Piper sees the same guy as before standing at the other end of the bar)''. Uh, look, so call me, or better yet, just show up and save me from having to perform an impending awkward rejection all by myself. 
:'''Caleb''': Hi, I'm Caleb.
:''' Piper''': Piper.
:''' Caleb''': I'm sorta new in town and I'm looking to meet someone... ''(Piper looks away uncomfortably)'' someone special? ''(Piper gives him a blank stare)'' I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt your phone call to your...
:'''Piper''': Fiance. Very large, very jealous, fiance.
:'''Caleb''': Really? Does he ever come here?
:'''Piper''': Hahaha, yeah! All the time.
:'''Caleb''': So he-he-he lives nearby?
:'''Piper''': Uh, look, I'm flattered, and you know, if this was another time or place... uhh, maybe you'd like to meet one of my single sisters?
:'''Caleb''': You've got sisters, rrreally? Well, maybe we could all, uh, get together sometime? ''(Piper turns away, clearly exasperated)'' Uh, does your fiance like to hang out with your sisters too?
:'''Piper''': Okay, uhh, you know what? I don't know what kind of kinky stuff you're into, but there's a club, down the street, you might be more comfortable in. They've got, uh, cages and rubber floors, and a three-for-two special on Fridays.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prue''': Hey, alright I need some professional help.
:'''Phoebe''': No arguments here. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prue''': Anything?
:'''Piper''': Nope
:'''Phoebe''': Maybe if you did it again with a little more &quot;ummph&quot;, you know? Maybe some choreography, Piper could back you up with some old school beatbox.
:'''Prue''': How did I know I wouldn't get any help from you crazy people?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Prue, if you keep ignoring me, my feelings might actually implode.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Why don't we try focusing on the positive? They're together.
:'''Piper''': That's it, that's your positive?! Cos I've got a list a mile long in the negative column.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Piper, any minute they are going to walk through that door with a perfectly good explanation.
:'''Prue''': Piper!
:'''Leo''': See!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': We thought the good guys were bad guys, and in trying to vanquish them, we helped the real bad guys, which were dead ringers for good guys.
:'''Leo''': Was that English?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prue''': You know, if this doesn't work I can look back and pinpoint the exact moment where it all went wrong.
:'''Piper''': And that moment's name would be Dad? Prue, you gotta admit if he can open the door we kinda need him.
:'''Prue''': It's all about word choice Piper, we don't need him, we need his utter lack of power. Right? He opens the door, we save the day, we get on with our lives. It's a one time group effort.
:'''Piper''': Glad to see you have a healthy handle on the situation, Prue.
:'''Prue''': I think I do!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': So your interest in me?
:'''Ice Cream Man''': Uh, huh. Strictly professional. I was lost. But until I was sure who you were I couldn't just come out and say, hey are you a Charmed One, 'cos I need you to take me to my demon catching truck.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Whenever I decide to have kids, remind me of this day.

=== '' Blinded by the Whitelighter ''  ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': What she needs, we can't give her.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Natalie''': What happened?
:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': Piper froze ya.
:'''Natalie''': S-she what?
:'''Prue''': ''(laughing)'' Yep.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Piper, what are you doing?
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Getting irritated. Who put Lady Attitude in charge? 
:'''Leo''': She's not in charge. 
:'''Piper''': Really? 'Cause she's acting like it. I thought Whitelighters were supposed to guide, not dictate. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Hey, you want to freeze me in bed for your own personal pleasure, that is fine, but freezing Natalie is not gonna make her or the Elders happy. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Who's Natalie?
:'''Piper''': She's a f...
:'''Leo''': ''(interrupting)'' Fellow whitelighter. See, I finished your sentence.
:'''Piper''': Hm. That's not what I was going to say.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': We went, we saw, we didn't quite conquer.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Natalie''': You must prepare yourselves for battle. Mentally, physically, spiritually, sartorially...
:''(Piper scoffs)''
:'''Phoebe''': I'm sorry, what?
:'''Piper''': She doesn't like our clothes.
:'''Natalie''': You need clothes that are loose and move. That means no more braless, strapless... fearless attire.
:'''Prue''': Okay, then I have nothing to wear.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Natalie''': Alright, lets pretend I'm the enemy.
:'''Prue''': Oh, that is way too easy.
:''(Phoebe claps her hands and Piper giggles)''
:'''Natalie''': Very funny. Now, talk me through how you plan to separate me from my crossbow.
:'''Piper''': OK, first I freeze you.
:'''Natalie''': I deflect that.
:'''Phoebe''': I guess I could levitate and kick you.
:'''Natalie''': You just kicked a clone.
:'''Prue''':  All right, how about I send in an astral Prue as a decoy and then I just ... ''(flicks her hand and yanks the piece of wood out of Natalie's hand)'' Oh, I'm so sorry. ''(Phoebe laughs at Prue's sarcasm)''
:'''Natalie''': Not as sorry as you would be if I just blinked behind you and stabbed you to death.
:'''Prue''': Well, that would be bad.
:'''Piper''': Ouch.
:'''Phoebe''': All right, you know what?  This is too hard.  Usually in these situations, you know, everything happens so quickly.  The adrenaline is pumping.
:'''Natalie''': I want you to think using your brains, not your glands.  Now try again.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Hey, if we don't vanquish Eames, can we at least vanquish Natalie?
:'''Piper''': Don't tempt me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prue''': Something doesn't feel right. This was way too easy.
:'''Phoebe''': Or even worse, anticlimactic.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Eames writhes in agony as the arrow's poison takes effect, while the sisters stand over him glowering)''
:'''Eames''':  What the hell are you doing up here?
:'''Phoebe''': Kicking your ass!
:'''Prue''':  Don't even bother trying to orb out. It won't work. You see, you didn't just get the powers of a Whitelighter, but you get their vulnerability too.   So the poison in that arrow is killing you just like you killed Natalie.
:'''Piper''': It's kind of poetic.
:'''Phoebe''': I'm kind of in a rhyming mood--how about you, girls?
:'''Prue''': Sure, this poison isn't working fast enough for me.
:'''Prue, Piper and Phoebe''':  Time for amends and a victim's revenge ...
:'''Prue''': Cloning power, turn sour ... ''(Eames bursts into flames and screams in agony)''
:'''Piper''': Power to change, turn to strange ...
:'''Phoebe''': ''(in a mock Texas accent)'' I'm rejectin' your deflection! ''(Eames disintegrates)''

=== ''Wrestling With Demons''  ===

:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': Ugh, innocents and alleys. Don't they ever learn?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prue''': I know that demon...I dated that demon!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Piper also babbles when she's nervous.
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': I resent that. I am expressing a valid concern about this continuing issue in our lives.
:'''Prue''': ''[walking in]'' What are you babbling about?
:''(Phoebe laughs)''
:'''Piper''': You know, if I could freeze the two of you, I would. Often.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': I sorta... kinda lost the wedding ring. 
:''(Piper gasps and Prue looks shocked.)''
:'''[[w:Darryl Morris|Darryl]]''': I've got a great ring guy downtown if you need one.
:'''Piper''': He doesn't need one, he has a ring. ''Mom's'' ring. I gave it to him, so he could give it ''back'' to me at the perfect, romantic moment!
:'''Phoebe''': Wow, Leo, you lost Mom's ring. It's a good thing you're dead already.
:'''Leo''': I had it in my pocket, Piper. All the orbing in and out...
:'''Piper''': Your orbs are grass if you do not find that ring.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''': You have to tell them, Phoebe. You can't wait any longer.
:'''Phoebe''': Well, it's not really an easy thing to drop into conversation, Leo. You know, like &quot;your hair looks great. Cole's not dead. I let him go.&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': I cast a little spell.
:'''Darryl''': The less I know, the happier I am.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prue''': Alright, I am going to win this fight and save your ass. That way I can kick it myself later.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper, and Phoebe''':
::Guiding spirits I ask your charity,&lt;br&gt;
::Lend me your focus and clarity,&lt;br&gt;
::Lead me to the one i cannot find,&lt;br&gt;
::Restore that and my piece of mind.

=== ''Bride and Gloom''  ===

:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': You know, besides, a wedding invite definitely makes a statement.
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': That he can tie a bow tie?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Tell me the truth. Do you think I'm pushing it too far with the wedding? 
:'''Prue''': Okay, why is Phoebe going to school without her books? 
:'''Piper''': Okay, why is Prue not answering Piper's question? 
:'''Prue''': Because Prue doesn't want both her sisters not speaking to her.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prue''': Can I have my lipstick back, Piper?
:'''Piper''': What lipstick?
:'''Prue''': The lipstick you borrowed last night.
:'''Piper''': Wasn't me.
:'''Prue''': Oh, I'm sorry. I must have gotten you confused with another Piper!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''':  I thought you said there was nothing in the Book.
:'''Piper''': Well now, there's just a whole bunch of weirdness in it.  Look.
:'''Leo''':  Hemlock killing spell? That doesn't belong in here.
:'''Piper''': But it does have possibilities...
:'''Leo''': Piper!
:'''Piper''':  I'm sorry, I don't know what I was ... ''(she blinks into the kitchen.)''
:'''Leo''':  Piper?
:'''Piper''': In here, somehow ...
:'''Leo''': You blinked.
:'''Piper''': I did not! Only warlocks do that.
:'''Leo''': Nope, you did it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Piper and Phoebe blink from the kitchen into the living room)''
:'''Piper''': Catch us if you can!
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Have you tried it yet, Leo? It's a real head rush.
:'''Leo''': Do you realize how serious this is?  You're blinking, the Book is changing.
:'''Piper''': Maybe we're blinking because of the Book.
:'''Leo''': The Book is changing because of you.  It is an extension of you.
:'''Piper''': I should care about that--but I don't.
:'''Leo''': This is what I was afraid of. Whoever's got Prue is somehow reaching you too.
:'''Phoebe''': Okay Leo, I can tell this really upsets you, but I gotta tell you, I really like this whole 'think it and it happens' deal. I mean, just think of the time we could save not chanting! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(after Piper freezes the female wedding planner)''
:'''Leo''': Have you guys lost your minds?
:'''Phoebe''': Oh, Leo, get on board. Whatever this is, this is fabulous. You can't imagine the freedom, the power.
:'''Leo''': Phoebe, that is evil talking. You have to fight it!
:'''Phoebe''': What did you ever see in him?
:'''Piper''': I don't know. He is kind of a stick in the mud, isn't he?
:'''Phoebe''': Oh, another great idea! May I?
:'''Piper''': Be my guest.
:'''Leo''': All right, think about the power of ... ''(he gets cut off when Phoebe waves her hand and turns him into a stick in a barrel of mud.)''
:'''Phoebe''': Look at all the fun we've been missing.
:'''Piper''': And this is just the beginning!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(after Leo orbs out.)''
:'''Piper''': Oh no--he's gone. We're free!
:'''Phoebe''': Yes.
:'''Piper''': No more obeying the rules, considering the consequences, none of that crap!
:'''Phoebe''': Time to find Prue and go for broke.
:'''Piper''': Where are you going?
:'''Phoebe''': Well, I can't wreak havoc dressed like this.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Cole Turner|Cole]]''': Phoebe, if what I found out is true, Prue is in serious trouble. She's being forced to marry a warlock.
:'''Phoebe''': Figures that bitch would steal Piper's thunder!  
:'''Cole''': You don't understand. A high-level priestess named Dantalian is rumored to have married them.  She's got the power to turn her evil, and turn you evil too. That's what's happening here.
:'''Phoebe''': So?  Isn't that the way you want me? ''(she kisses him passionately again)''
:'''Cole''': No, that is not how I want you to be.  It is not how I want ''us'' to be. Our only chance is if we're both ... good. 
:'''Phoebe''': Love is love.
:'''Cole''': There is no such thing as evil love. It's only gratification, lust. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': What's going on in here?
:'''Phoebe''': Nothing, unfortunately.
:'''Piper''': I heard voices.
:'''Phoebe''': Oh, did you? Um, I had a premonition. Must have gotten pretty loud.
:'''Piper''': I guess.
:'''Phoebe''': We gotta go. The high priestess that has Prue, supposedly she's coming here.
:'''Piper''': High pr--? Must have been a hell of a premonition.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dantalian''': That was easy.
:'''Piper''': Too easy. 
:''(Phoebe kicks Dantalian from behind, and holds a knife to her neck)'' 
:'''Piper''': Where's our sister?
:'''Dantalian''': ''(apprehensively)'' I can help you. I can teach you evil.  You're new at it, you don't know how to realize its full potential.
:'''Piper''': I don't know, I think we're getting the hang of it.
:'''Phoebe''': Wanna see? 
:'''Piper''': Where's Prue?
:'''Dantalian''': Kill me and you'll never see her again.
:'''Piper''': So maybe we should ''(stomps on Dantalian)'' torture you instead! 
:''(Piper waves her hand, and Dantalian's hand freezes; Dantalian screams in agony.)'' 
:'''Phoebe''': Why don't you just shatter her hand and see what happens?
:''(while Dantalian pants, Piper grabs a candle holder.)''
:'''Piper''': Last chance. ''(Dantalian stares)'' Fine. ''(smashes Dantalian's hand, Dantalian screams in agony)''
:'''Phoebe''': Now, the really weird thing is we could do that to the other hand, and then go down to your feet ...
:'''Piper''': Actually, we could work up piece by piece, all the way to her head.
:'''Phoebe''': ''(waves knife and Dantalian's head)'' Where is Prue?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Whoa, Prue. Hey, hi. You don't look so good.
:'''Phoebe''': Oh, but that's a great dress.
:'''Dantalian''': Zile, Prue--eliminate them!
:'''Piper''': Prue, ignore her. Come on, come with us--we're your sisters.
:'''Prue''': I'm his wife, not your sister. ''(she raises her hands and sends Piper and Phoebe flying into the wall)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prue''': I love you.
:'''Another Prue''': You too.
:'''Piper''': Huh. Welcome to Planet Narcissist.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Oh yeah, Leo, sorry we killed you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dantalian''': I hope so. ''(She touches their foreheads)'' In the beginning, we were damned, and through damnation, we found freedom, power, and purpose. As I unite you today, I remind you of those gifts. ''(Dantalian ties Zile and Prue's hands together)'' And in your union, may these gifts increase your powers may grow in the service of evil. So be it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prue, Piper, and Phoebe''':
::Powers of light,&lt;br&gt;
::Magic of right,&lt;br&gt;
::Cast this blight&lt;br&gt;
::Into forever's night.

=== ''The Good, the Bad, and the Cursed'' ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Dad doesn't know that Leo is a whitelighter.
:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''' &amp; '''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': What?!
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Well, I've been meaning to tell him, but considering Mom had an ''affair'' with her whitelighter, I didn't think he'd be really receptive to the idea.
:'''Leo''': Piper, he's gonna kill me when he finds out.
:'''Piper''': Oh, don't be ridiculous, you're already dead.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Victor Bennett|Victor]]''': Hm. Leo, I think it's time to come clean.
:'''Leo''': You do?
:'''Victor''': Yeah. I need to talk to you about something, man-to-man.
:'''Leo''': Man-to-man.
:'''Victor''': Well, from one mortal to another. Leo, it's not easy being married to a witch.
:'''Leo''': No?
:'''Victor''': That's why my marriage to Piper's mother didn't work out. It wasn't because I didn't love her, but because I wasn't ''prepared'' for what was to come.
:'''Leo''': Well, I think I'm prepared, sir. Uh, I mean, Victor.
:'''Victor''': Well, don't get me wrong, Leo. I want this marriage to succeed, that's why I'm warning you. But there are dangers out there worse than demons and warlocks. You do know about them, don't you?
:'''Leo''': Yeah, sure.
:'''Victor''': Well the dangers I'm talking about, you're not even going to see it coming. The thing I'm talking about will just ''sneak up'' on you ''(snaps his fingers in front of Leo's face)'' and ''destroy'' your marriage if you're not careful. Leo, do you know what a whitelighter is?
:'''Leo''': Um...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Victor''': Look, my point is, if you wanna...
:''(Leo is being called)''
:'''Leo''': Uh oh...
:'''Victor''': Wha?
:'''Leo''': Uh... ''(gulps)'' I have to go. Now.
:'''Victor''': Go?
:'''Leo''': Yeah, and I don't think you're gonna like the way I have to go, either. ''(smiles awkwardly at Victor and orbs out)''
:''(Victor is clearly surprised)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Cole Turner|Cole]]''': You have to hold my hand.
:'''Prue''': This sucks already. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Well, don't get mad at me, I've been shot. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prue''': Hi. What am I? A potted plant?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Victor''': Oh, so now I'm supposed to trust a demon?
:'''Leo''': You know, as much as I hate to say this, Cole loves Phoebe. He took a huge risk to come here and try and prove himself to her and he will do whatever it takes to save her life. 
:'''Phoebe''': He's right.
:'''Victor''': How can you be so sure?
:'''Phoebe''': Because he loves me as much as I love him.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bartender''': What'll it be?
:'''Prue''': Moonshine
:'''Bartender''': A what?
:'''Cole''': She means a whiskey. (to Prue) You watch too many old movies.
:'''Prue''': And you would be confusing me with Phoebe.
:'''Cole''': Ha, not a chance.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cole''': I still think you should have worn that pretty little red dress hanging on the line.

=== ''Just Harried''  ===

:'''[[w:Penny Halliwell|Grams]]''': Is this the biggest arch you could get?
:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': Without opening a fast food franchise, yeah.
:'''Grams''': Well just remember, if love is the quest, then marriage is the conquest. This place must feel like... victory.
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': And here I thought weddings were meant to be romantic.
:'''Grams''': Oh, my dear, sweet child.
:'''Prue''': Better listen to Grams, Phoebe. I mean you could always calculate her age by the number of rings on her fingers.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grams''': I'll see you tomorrow, at four o'clock, Mrs. Halliwell. The women keep their names in this family.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inspector''': Ah, you stick your tongue down her throat but you don't know her name?
:'''TJ''': That against the law?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Huh, wow, so you're relinquishing control to your little sister. You must really be tired. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Piper, you have to stay positive. You know what? I have Celine Dion &quot;Behind The Music&quot; on video cassette. Would you like to watch that?
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Would you like to get &lt;i&gt;slapped?&lt;/i&gt;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': I love her with all my heart, and I promise to keep loving her and taking care of her for the rest of this life, the afterlife and whatever comes after that. Now you may not support it, and you may not agree with it, but it is not going to stop me from marrying your daughter today. Nothing will.
:'''[[w:Victor Bennett|Victor]]''': You know.. I could probably get used to having a whitelighter for a son-in-law.
:'''[[w:Cole Turner|Cole]]''': Everybody having fun down here?
:'''Leo''': Where do you stand on demons?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Victor''': Patty.
:'''[[w:Patty Halliwell|Patty]]''': Hello, Victor, how are you?
:'''Victor''': Good. I mean, I was good. Alright, who brought my ex-wife back from the dead?
:'''Grams''': Not now, Victor. I know you two have issues but that's what the reception is for. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Prue! What the hell is going on?
:'''Phoebe''': Prue! Get your astral ass back here!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': As Halliwells, we are blessed as witches but we are cursed as women. Sometimes I think we're all destined to be alone.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Piper, through all the tears and struggles, I always knew in my heart that we'd make it here. I promise to love and respect you from this point forward as your husband, as my wife, my lover, my friend, and my soul mate. All I am is yours.
:'''Piper''': Leo, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I was afraid that you were too good to be true, that maybe I didn't deserve someone so pure and beautiful and loving as you are. But here we are surrounded by the people that I love the most and I feel so proud, and so blessed to be your wife. Leo, I was born to love you and I always will.

=== ''Death Takes a Halliwell''  ===

:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': I'm sorry if I've been a little cranky.
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Say no more. Princess Prue has spoken, by the orders of the queen, that's me! Phoebeville and all of it's glory will be abandoned for greener pastures, and two lattes.
:'''Prue''': Oh, all hail the queen!
:'''Phoebe''': Yay, I love to be hailed!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': I still don't understand why my sisters can't come, we could just do a group hug thing, and..
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': I can orb you because you're my wife, but I'm not a cosmic taxi for the whole family.
:'''Phoebe''': Hehe... you said wife!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Alright you two, have fun. Bring me back a cloud!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Pardon the potential understatement of a cliche, but you look like you've seen a ghost.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': It’s just so bright.
:'''Leo''': Of course it’s bright. It’s supposed to represent the light of eternal love.
:'''Piper''': Wait, does that mean we can never turn if off?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prue''': Hi. Need a little help?
:'''[[w:Cole Turner|Cole]]''': What are you doing here?
:'''Reece''': How did you get here? What the hell's going on?
:'''Seeker''': Well, well, well. The mighty Belthazor, in bed with a witch.
:'''Prue''': Don't make me sick.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': They retreated?
:'''Prue''': Yeah. I kicked ass.
:'''Cole''': No, you kicked air.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cole''': Inspector, you're in a room with three witches and a demon, do you really think that gun's gonna help? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prue''': 
::Spirits of air, sand and sea,&lt;br&gt;
::Converge to set the angel free,&lt;br&gt;
::In the wind I send this rhyme,&lt;br&gt;
::Bring death before me, before my time.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prue''': You don't know me, you don't know anything about me.
:'''Death''': But I've seen it so many times before. The anger, the pain. You lock up your tears and angrily steel yourself against me as if I was the ultimate evil.
:'''Prue''': You are the ultimate evil.
:'''Death''': No. I'm not good or evil, I just am. I'm inevitable.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prue, Piper, and Phoebe''':
::Knowledge gained by murderous means,&lt;br&gt;
::Is wisdom's bitter enemy,&lt;br&gt;
::The mind that burns with stolen fire,&lt;br&gt;
::Will now become your funeral pyre.

=== ''Pre-Witched''  ===

:'''[[w:Penny Halliwell|Grams]]''': ''(Flashback)'' Is it too much for an old lady to ask her granddaughters to retract their claws, stand still and look at me long enough to take one lousy picture?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Well, if so I got the runt. Bad teeth, funky clothes and way easy to kill. 
:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': Black hair? 
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Bad breath? 
:'''Phoebe''' You know him? 
:'''Prue''': Uh, I think I killed him.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Leo and I are moving. ''(Everyone puts down their papers.)'' Thinking of moving, out of the manor. Um, milk? 
:'''Prue''': Excuse me? 
:'''Phoebe''': Wait a minute. Life altering plans can not be squeezed in between 'pass the newspaper' and 'who ate the Special K?'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''' So why bother us? Why not just jump in front of nine buses?
:'''Prue''': Because we must be the only ones strong enough to kill him.
:'''Piper''': And he knew where to find us. What are we in the Warlock's Guide to San Fransico?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Saved by the meow! You know, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at Kit in the same way or get undressed in front of him, for that matter.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Oops. I think I just killed the warlock again.
:'''Piper''': Phoebe!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': You know, I don't wanna be one of those old married lepers that nobody thinks if fun anymore.
:'''Prue''': You've never been fun, Piper.
:'''Piper''': I've always been fun, Prue. I am just Mrs. Fun now.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': ''(Flashback)'' I'm not sure what my future holds, but it's not in San Francisco. We all know that the only thing I add to this threesome is trouble.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Sharp painful implement?
:'''Prue''': Check.
:'''Phoebe''': Ooh! Nice choice.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': So what is our level of confidence in this plan?
:'''Phoebe''': Well, on a scale from one to ten, ten being we whoop ass, one being he laughs at us while we're on fire and naked...
:'''Piper''': Maybe you should lie to me. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shadow''': Wait a minute, do you think I'm an idiot? You've got something up your sleeve.
:'''Phoebe''': Hello, sleeveless!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Was that for good?
:'''Prue''': Well, if it wasn't, he's really gonna miss his ear, 'cause it looks like part of it's dripping off the clock.
:'''Piper''': Yuck. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prue''': It’ll be just like having your own place.
:'''Phoebe''': Except with your sisters right down the hall!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prue, Piper, and Phoebe''':
::Beloved unknown spirit,&lt;br&gt;
::We seek your guidance,&lt;br&gt;
::We ask that you commune with us&lt;br&gt;
::And move amongst us.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prue''': I'm sorry, this just seems so callous. I mean, you just lost your life and we're treating you like 411. 
:'''Witch''': It's okay. It's just... I'm at peace now. The ones I loved - when someone's taken from you, suddenly there are no goodbyes.
:'''Prue''': Something we're all too familiar with. 
:'''Ariel''': At its core, evil exists for one reason: to spread loss. Be careful not to lose each other. Take care and blessed be.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prue, Piper, and Phoebe''':
::Nine times this evil's cheated death,&lt;br&gt;
::Felt no pain and kept his breath,&lt;br&gt;
::This warlock standing in our midst,&lt;br&gt;
::Let him feel the pain he missed.

=== ''  Sin Francisco ''  ===

: '''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Wait a minute, are you telling me you're actually looking for trouble now? Prue, what happened to putting more balance in your life? You know, less wicca wonder, more Prue.
: '''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': Listen, I shot a magazine cover yesterday, I had a date last night and this morning I'm searching for evil. You can't get more balanced than that.
: '''Phoebe''': Right, just your typical everyday cosmo girl!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Phoebe''': Oh my god! It's the coffee maker I wanted.
: '''Prue''': Phoebe it's just the carton.
: '''Phoebe''': Oh. See I need you, you just protected me from making a fool of myself.
: '''Prue''': Now there's a full time job.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Leo, you're a genius, what would we do without him?
: '''Prue''': Oh, I dunno. I guess our lives wouldn't be the smooth running carefree existence that they are today.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Prue''': The three of us can handle the box.
:'''Phoebe''': Are you sure?
:'''Prue''': Yes! Go. Although you might want to change into, oh I don't know.. clothes, an actual shirt?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Prue''': A-a-are you drinking in the middle of the day?
: '''Piper''': Well, I was a little bummed about this sin thing, so I thought I deserved a little indulgence. Would you like a bit of bubbly? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Piper''': Oh, no, don't tell me we got infected with those sin thingys.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Phoebe''': My ethics professor threw me out of class.
: '''Prue''': What happened?
: '''Phoebe''': One minute I was telling him why my paper was late, and the next thing I knew I was unzipping his pants with my teeth.
: '''Prue''': Oh, Phoebe. You do know that charming the pants off someone is just a figure of speech, don't you?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Prue''': Unfortunately, what got into you was lust, as in the sin of.
: '''Piper''': What, now you think we were infected?
: '''Prue''': Hello, gluttony, table for one.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Prue''': Everything's under control, don't worry about a thing. I've got it all under control. Hi, he needs medical attention. The Pastor's inside, I kicked his ass. He needs attention too, he's knocked out. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Prue''': Yeah, well, my sin's not nearly as fun as yours.
: '''Phoebe''': Wait, your sin, I thought you didn't get hit.
: '''Prue''': Well, that was the pride talking and it almost got me killed already.
: '''Phoebe''': Pride? You didn't seem all that different.
: '''Prue''': Oh really, well back at ya.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Prue''': Hey! Be nice. I don't want to talk about sin tonight.
: '''Phoebe''': Me neither!
: '''Prue''': So, this is a pretty interesting band. What's their name?
: '''Piper''': Orgy.

=== ''The Demon Who Came in from the Cold''  ===

: '''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': I don't think we're gonna be able to pull this off.
: '''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': We have to.
: '''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': We've been in tighter jams than this before.
: '''Phoebe''': But we're running out of time, I don't think we're gonna make it.
: '''Prue''': Phoebe, we can do this, okay? I mean, if we just get a quick bite to eat at Red's, we can still make the 9:30 Faithless at the Avalon.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''[[w:Cole Turner|Cole]]''': Save it. You can't stop the brotherhood with a little research and your basic kick, freeze and magical move. No offence intended.
: '''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Some taken.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Prue''': Alright, look. This whole voting together thing would be really, really cute if it weren't so annoying. I mean, maybe your guys votes should just count as one from now on.
: '''Piper''': Bet you wouldn't mind if we were voting with ya.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Phoebe''': They'll track your shimmer.
: '''Cole''': Not if we meet in the mausoleum. That's the second safest place I know.
: '''Phoebe''': What's the safest?
: '''Cole''': With you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Piper''': Wait a minute, so Cole is risking his life to maintain stock portfolios?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Piper''': Wouldn't it be nice to save the world at a decent hour?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Piper''': Well, since plan A is going so well, I'd love to hear about plan B...assuming that you have one.
: '''Prue''': I've got part of it, in the freezer.
: '''Piper''': In the freezer? Wait, we're gonna fight the brotherhood with Ben &amp; Jerry's?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Phoebe''': What is that?
: '''Piper''': Demon-Be-Gone.

=== '' Exit Strategy ''  ===

:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Honey, we don't need a passport to honeymoon in Paris. With a blink of an orb, we can be sipping champagne at the Champs Elysees.
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Yes, as romantic as you make that sound, I would rather fly Air France, than Air Leo. Just like every other normal newlywed.
:'''Leo''': Well, great, except that we're not.
:'''Piper''': Well, a passport for you could change all that, if I could just find... voila! Birth certificate. (She holds it up.)
:'''Leo''': Where did you get that?
:'''Piper''': From Dan's old file, the one he put together when he was suspicious of you. You remember him, don't ya?
:'''Leo''': Let's see, perfect hair, cleft chin, tried to steal you away from me? Vaguely, vaguely. This isn't gonna work, I was born in 1924.
:'''Piper''': No, you weren't. Okay, off-white background, black ink... Little trick I learned in high school.
:'''Leo''': You're gonna forge my birth certificate.
:'''Piper''': No. Just going to change one little number. (She white outs the number.) So, 1924 becomes 1974. And just like that, you are fifty years younger. (She writes in the seven.) Wait a minute, that makes you 27. That's younger than me. Maybe I should change another number.
:'''Leo''': Piper, this is completely illegal.
:'''Piper''': Yeah? Well, so is marrying a dead guy, okay? Let's not get technical now.
:'''Prue''': (walks into kitchen) Morning. What's up?
:'''Leo''': Oh, probably 3 to 5 years in jail if we're lucky.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Piper?
: '''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': Uh, okay, was it a demon?
: '''Piper''': No, it was watermelon!
: '''Phoebe''': Honey, why did you vanquish watermelon?
: '''Piper''': I didn't vanquish watermelon. I threw it up in the air and I tried to freeze it and it exploded. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Piper''': I don't know what is up with me. Every time I try to freeze, I flame!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Jenna''': I'm just thrilled to meet you. I mean, I've heard of the Charmed Ones, of course, but I just thought I'd never dream I'd...
: '''Prue''': Nearly die with us? Yes, well, welcome to our lives.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Piper''': Check her out, whipping it up like it's Tollhouse Cookies. Maybe after she fixes Phoebe she could fix me.
: '''Prue''': Piper, you don't need fixing.
: '''Piper''': Uh, if it's taking the Elders this long to tell Leo what's wrong with me, then I definitely need fixing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Piper''': Leo should have been back by now. It must mean my powers are screwed forever. They're punishing me.
: '''Jenna''': You're a fulfillment of a great prophecy. Why punish you?
: '''Piper''': Oh, forgery. Wanting to have a normal life. Getting pissed off. By next week I'll be walking around like Carrie at the prom.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Prue''': You look like hell.
: '''[[w:Cole Turner|Cole]]''': You have no idea.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Piper''': Sorry about knocking you out. Nothing personal.
: '''Prue''': Yeah, well, at least you didn't blow me up.
: '''Piper''': Yeah, I was kinda relieved too.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: ''(Prue pops the attic door open, and she, Piper and Phoebe rush in.  While Prue and Piper run to Leo, Phoebe stares at Belthazor.)''
: '''[[w:Cole Turner|Belthazor]]''':  Phoebe ...
: '''Piper''': ''(bending over Leo)'' What did you do to him?! ''(Belthazor changes back into Cole)''
: '''Phoebe''':  I saw what you did.
: '''Cole''': It's not what it looks like, it wasn't ...
: '''Phoebe''':  Janna is dead and Leo is unconscious.  What else could it be?
: '''Cole''':  Raynor forced me.  I had no choice.
: '''Phoebe''':  There's always a choice, Cole!
: '''Cole''': ''(looks at the potion)'' The potion. ''(reaches for it, but Phoebe grabs it)'' Before it's too late ...
: '''Phoebe''':  It's already too late.  You killed an innocent woman, there is no turning back from that.
: '''Cole''':  I didn't wanna kill her, you've gotta understand that.  I can still be good.
: '''Phoebe''':  There's nothing good in you anymore.  
: '''Prue''':  Maybe there never was.  You have to read the spell to activate the amulets, right? I mean, Cole, maybe that was your plan all along, to get the Book.
: '''Piper''':  But evil can't use the amulets or the Book.
: '''Phoebe''' He could have if he'd stripped his powers.  ''(her voice raising)'' Is that why you wanted the potion, Cole?  So you could get the spell and use the amulets against us?!
: '''Cole''':  Phoebe, you've gotta believe me.
: '''Piper''':  I think she's believed you one too many times.
: '''Cole''':  Stay outta this!  This is between her and me.
: '''Phoebe''':  There's nothing between us anymore.
: '''Cole''':  Phoebe, don't let Raynor take this away from us.  Don't let him win.
: '''Phoebe''':  Raynor didn't set me up.  You set me up.  What am I supposed to do?
: '''Cole''':  ''(reaches for the potion)'' Please, save me.
: '''Phoebe''':  Save yourself. ''(She smashes the potion to the ground.  Cole sullenly stares at the sisters, and shimmers out.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Prue''': For Liza, a lost sister, may her spirit soar.
: '''Piper''': For Jenna, our lost friend, may we meet again.
: '''Phoebe''': For Cole, a lost love, may you find peace.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Leo''': Well, I don't have news but I do have a passport.
: '''Piper''': You went back?
: '''Leo''': Yeh well, I was thinking with everything that's happened and with your new power making life a little crazy.. alright crazier, i figured the least i could do is make it somewhat normal.
: '''Piper''': Are you sure?
: '''Leo''': Anything that it takes to get you on a plane to Paris.
: '''Piper''': Ah, you know what? I think we should wait on that. I wouldn't want to like sneeze at 40,000 feet and have a whole bunch of people explode, that would be bad.

=== '' Look Who's Barking ''  ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Well, I'm single again, so I have no choice but to live vicariously through your love life.
:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': Wow, I'd pick a better love life if I were you. Lately mine's been rated PG for Pretty Grim.
:'''Phoebe''': That's because nobody makes it past the threshold Prue. I mean don't get me wrong, I'm glad that you're out there looking, but you can't keep saving yourself for Mr. Right. I need more vicarious thrills than that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Phoebe''': You can't stay down there forever.
: '''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Yes I can.
: '''Phoebe''': No you can't, you have a club to run and a husband who can't stand to live without you.
: '''Prue''': That's right. And, and two sisters who need you to cook for them and fight evil with them.
: '''Phoebe''': Okay, do you want her to come up or do you want her to stay down there?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prue''': I think that you're barking up the wrong demon. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': So what do we do, wear earplugs?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Oh, she’s such a pretty dog.
:'''Piper''': What else did you expect?
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': A Doberman? ''(Prue growls)'' Easy!
:'''Piper''': Honey, watch your orbs.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': This is worse than I thought.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Prue, no! No-no-no-no, very bad, Prue. Very, very bad Prue.
:''(Prue growls)''
:'''Piper''': Hi, [[w:Cujo|Cujo]], who you growling at?
:'''Leo''': Maybe I'd better go check with the Elders, see if they know how to vaquish a banshee.
:'''Phoebe''': Wait a minute, don't tell me you're afraid of Prue.
:'''Leo''': Yeah!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': I never imagined anything like this could ever happen to us.
:'''Phoebe''': All I know is this can't go on much longer.
:'''Piper''': So, what we are gonna do?
:'''Phoebe''': Rock paper scissors?
:'''Piper''': No way, you already lost.
:'''Phoebe''': Two out of three!
:'''Piper''': Uh-uh.
:'''Phoebe''': This is so humiliating.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Are you okay?
:'''Piper''': Am I okay? Prue is a ''dog'', and Phoebe is a ''banshee''. I am not even in the ''vicinity'' of &quot;okay&quot;. How did this happen? What am I supposed to do? And, you know, you could have told me about the witches turn into banshees thing a little bit earlier.
:'''Leo''': Honey, just try and relax.
:'''Piper''': Would you stop telling me to ''relax''! ''[blows up sewing machine]'' That was Grams's sewing machine...!
:'''Leo''': Well, we don't have time for you to ''lose it''.
:'''Piper''': Well, too bad, because I am losing it whether we have time for it or not.
:'''Leo''': Listen to me, we have to save Phoebe before she hurts anyone. If she kills just one person, she will stay a banshee forever.
:'''Piper''': Okay, could you give me all the bad news at once? Do you have to keep doling it out for ''dramatic effect''?
:'''Leo''': We have to find Phoebe.
:'''Piper''': How, without Prue to track her?
:'''Leo''': We'll find a way. You can do this, Piper.
:'''Piper''': No, actually, I can't. See, 'cause Prue and Phoebe are the superwitches, and I just tag along and freeze things, and now I can't even do that right.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prue''': What are you doing?
:'''Piper''': I think you've got fleas.
:'''Prue''': You know what, that is so not funny, cause I think I do.
:'''Piper''': I think you do.
:'''Prue''': Okay, you have no idea how hard it was being a dog, okay, I mean, peeing outside, eating everything and anything, and just smelling everything...
:'''Piper''': Must have been ruff! No pun intended.
:'''Prue''': Aha... aha... Well, at least I got to meet a really cute guy.
:'''Piper''': You met a guy?
:'''Prue''': Mmhmm...
:'''Piper''': As a dog?!
:'''Prue''': Mmhmm...
:'''Piper''': How?!
:'''Prue''': Well, he ran me over.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Prue and Phoebe are the super witches, and I just tag along and freeze things, and now I can't even do that right.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Piper''': We need your help. Phoebe's been turned into a Banshee.
: '''[[w:Cole Turner|Cole]]''': A Banshee? Huh...that's different.

=== '' All Hell Breaks Loose  ''  ===

:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Ok, I think we made it. I'm sure we made it. You think we made it?
:'''[[w:Prue Halliwell|Prue]]''': I don't know.
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': I think he would attack by now if we haven't.
:'''Dr. Griffiths''': Who? Who would attack? Why don't you tell me what's going on?
:'''Phoebe''': Because we're busy trying to save your life.
:'''Dr. Griffiths''': From who?
:'''Prue''': Ah, unfortunately, we're not pretty sure.
:'''Piper''': That's because Phoebe didn't  give us enough time to figure it out.
:'''Phoebe''': Well, I didn't have a lot of time. I mean, I can't control how far in the future my premonition takes place. I saw the attack, we kicked butt, what more do you want?
:'''Piper''': I'd like to know more about who we're up against.
:'''Prue''': Ok, Phoebe, maybe you should check the Book of Shadows, see you can find anything else about this demonic hitman, OK?
:'''Dr. Griffiths''': Excuse me? Demonic?
:'''Piper''': And how to vanquish him, that will be a good thing to know. And do not exined trap with the Cole potion thing. Because the only one we conserve about saving, right now, is ourselves.
:'''Prue''': Ah? A, a, a OK...What Cole potion?
:'''Piper''': Ah, he told her that he only kills because some demon cast a spell on him. How naive is that?
:'''Prue''': I thought that she is all over him.
:'''Piper''': Apparently not.
:'''Dr. Griffiths''': What a hell are you talking about? First you tell me my life is in danger, than you adopt me from my work. Now you talk about demons and witches - ''who the hell are you people?!''
:'''Prue''': Look, I know this all sounds incredible, but it doesn't make it any less true. You are a healer, you do good, you saved too many lives or you could save that which they don't want you to save.
:'''Dr. Griffiths''': They?
:'''Prue''': Yes, demons, more specifically, Shax, who is the Source's assassin.
:'''Dr. Griffthis''': Hold on. I get that. This is a practical joke, right? I bet you have a hidden camera here. My second wife put you up to this? Ah, just like her.
:'''Prue''': Ah, OK, Doctor Griffiths, this is anything but...
:'''Piper''': What?
:'''Prue''': I don't know, I just...felt a chill. Phoebe?
:'''Phoebe''': Alright, alright, I am coming.
:'''Prue''': Phoebe!
:'''Piper''': Phoebe!
:'''Piper''': Ah!
:'''Dr. Griffiths''': Dear God!
:'''Prue''': No!
:'''Piper''': Prue! Ha! Aah.
:'''Dr. Griffiths''': What are you?
:'''Shax''': The end.
:'''Phoebe''':
::Evil wind that blows,
::That which forms below,
::No longer may you dwell,
::Death takes you with this spell.
:'''Phoebe''': Oh, no. Oh, God. Leo! Leo! Hurry, it's bad.
:'''Prue''': Oh.
:'''Piper''': Ahh, what happened?
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': You almost dead, that's what happened.
:'''Piper''': Yeah, what else is new?
:'''Prue''': Oh, where's Shax?
:'''Phoebe''': I tried to use the vanquishing spell on him. But I think I just wounded him, he turned into the wind.
:'''Prue''': Maybe the spell needs more than one witch for full effect. Ah, OK, come on.
:'''Piper''': Come on, come on, where?
:'''Prue''': Let's go find him. So we can finish it off while he still hurt. Look, you just stay here with Griffiths, alright? If Shax comes back, say the spell to fend him off. OK, come on.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Piper''': If you ask me, I think you're being paranoid. We kicked Shax's ass. We bad. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Prue''': You're banking an awful lot on that little potion of yours.
: '''Phoebe''': No, I'm not. I'm banking on Cole.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Piper''': Hello Leo, nice of you to orb in...where've you been?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''[[w:Cole Turner|Cole]]''': Phoebe, we tried it up there, it doesn't work for us.
: '''Phoebe''':So where does that leave us?
: '''Cole''': Right where we are.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Piper''': Look at all these interview requests we're getting. Ted Coppell, Time Magazine, Jerry Springer. Sports Illustrated?
: '''[[w:Darryl Morris|Darryl]]''': Yea, they probably want you for the swimsuit edition. Just kidding.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Prue''': Alright, this thing has to end now, okay? The media is turning it into a freakin' circus.
: '''Leo''': Now you know why the Elders have always been highly concerned about exposure.
: '''Piper''': Okey-dokey, now we know.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Piper''':  Okay, so Oprah or Barbara? Barbara makes you cry. We go with Oprah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Prue''': And you, why don't you go whitelight a fire underneath your bosses' butts.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Piper''': We're gonna do talk shows and book signings and movie deals, and then be taken by the C.I.A. and be dissected.
: '''Prue''': How can you be joking about this?
: '''Piper''': Who's joking?
: '''Prue''': Well, I'm not. Alright, I'm scared. And you should be too. Okay, our lives, Piper, everything that we've worked for could be completely destroyed with-with one stupid mistake. Our entire future , our entire destiny could be wiped out just like that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Alice''': Hi my name is Alice, Alice Hicks. I've been trying to contact you. I want to join your coven.
: '''Prue''': What are you, nuts? This is our home, get out of here!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Alice''': I killed the wicked witch. The wicked witch is dead!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Prue''': They killed her Leo... they think we're the demons now.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prue''': I don't know, I felt a chill. Phoebe, are you there? Phoebe, where are you?!
:'''Prue''': No!
: '''Dr. Griffiths''': What are you?
: '''Shax''': The end.

== Season 4 ==
=== ''Charmed Again, Pt 1'' ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Piper?
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Prue?
:'''Phoebe''': Sweetie, it's four o'clock in the morning, what are you doing? You're bleeding.
:'''Piper''': I don't understand why magic can't fix this. And why we can't bring Prue back. It's not like we haven't cheated death before. I don't understand why this time isn't any different.
:'''Phoebe''': Because Leo can't heal the dead, Piper. You know that.
:'''Piper''': There's other magic, magic that we've used before. It's like the book just deserted us and deserted Prue, and I don't understand why.
:'''Phoebe''': We lost our sister. How can we ever understand that? We have tried every magical way to bring her back. But we can't. She's gone. I just thank God that I didn't lose you too. Now, we have to get some rest, Prue will never forgive us if we look bad at her funeral.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': I'm so sorry for your lost.
:'''Phoebe''': Thank you. How did you know Prue? From work?
:'''Paige''': No. Just from around. You know...
:'''Phoebe''': Have we met before?
:'''Paige''': No, I don't... I don't think so. Anyway, my condolences.
:'''Phoebe''': Thank you. ''(She shakes Paige's hand -- then gets hit with a powerful premonition: Paige is on a skyscraper rooftop helipad. She screams as she squeezes her eyes shut in fear as the demon Shax gestures and sends a concessive blast toward her to kill her. She stumbles to the floor after her premonition ends.)''
:'''Piper''': Phoebe!
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Phoebe?
:''(Piper, Leo, Victor, and Cole rush over to her as Paige, oblivious, but not wanting to stick around, leaves. Leo and Victor help Phoebe stand up.)''
:'''Piper''': Are you all right?
:'''Phoebe''': I saw him! The demon that killed Prue.
:'''Leo''': Shax? What was he doing?
:'''Phoebe''': He was killing that girl.
:'''Piper''': What girl?
:'''Phoebe''': The one who I was just talking to. I gotta go find her!
:''(Bounty Hunters 2 suddenly materialize on either side of Cole and immediately fire lightning bolts at him. Cole dives, just barely avoiding the bolts, which blow up the altar.)''
:'''Leo''': Go! Go!
:''(Leo pulls her behind a pillar for safety. Victor looks on in disbelief. Cole rolls, comes up firing, vanquishing Bounty Hunter #2, but Bounty Hunter #3 appears. Before he can kill Cole, though, Phoebe runs up and knocks him to the ground with an expert martial arts move. She then hides behind a statue.)''
:'''Piper''': Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Damnit! This is Prue's funeral for God's sake! Can we at least bury her in peace?! Is that too much to ask?!
:''(She knocks over a vase of flowers. She then storms out in tears.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': I don't see her anywhere.
:'''Leo''': Who?
:'''Phoebe''': The girl from my preminition.
:''(A passing mourner, overhearing that, quietly reacts. Leo, seeing that, pulls Phoebe to the main stairs, where they can have some privacy.)''
:'''Leo''': Phoebe, you gotta be more careful.
:'''Phoebe''': I'm sorry.
:'''[[w:Cole Turner|Cole]]''': You sure don't recognize her from anywhere?
:'''Phoebe''': Well, she did look familiar like I've seen her somewhere before. But somehow, we got to find her before nightfall, or else…
:''(Phoebe slides a flower vase over an inch, then back again. Cole gently grabs her arm with a concerned look.)''
:'''Cole''': Honey, what are you doing?
:'''Phoebe''': Uh, cleaning.
:'''Cole''': But you don't clean. You hate cleaning.
:'''Phoebe''': I know. But it's better than falling apart, right?
:'''Leo''': Maybe you should just try and focus on a girl, you said she was attacked on a rooftop?
:'''Phoebe''': Yeah, one with the helipad. But it wasn't a tall building, although, there were a lot of taller ones around it.
:'''Leo''': Okay, so we just need to figure out which building it was before Shax does.
:'''Piper''': And do what exatly? You can't defeat Shax, not without the Power of Three.
:'''Phoebe''': But you and Prue did.
:'''Piper''': That's because Prue was the strongest. Trying to do without her will be suicide.
:'''Phoebe''': Maybe so. But I got that premonition today for a reason, Piper. That girl is our innocent. So we have to try and save her.
:'''Piper''': Says who?! Why do we have to?
:'''Leo''': Piper...
:'''Piper''': What? Do you really expect us to keep doing this stuff, after what happened, to keep risking our lives?! Do they?!
:'''Leo''': Piper, keep your voice down...
:'''Piper''': No, Leo, I won't! I don't want to do this anymore, okay? It's over! You can tell them we buried their precious Charmed Ones when we buried our sister.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Grams!
:'''[[w:Penny Halliwell|Grams]]''': Hello, my darling. How are you?
:'''Piper''': How am I? Are you kidding? Do you guys not get the news up there?
:'''Grams''': I meant... How are you holding up?
:'''Piper''': Not very well. I'm a little...lost. Why didn't you come before when I called after...?
:'''Grams''': I couldn't, Piper. I was... busy.
:'''Piper''': You were busy?
:'''Grams''': I was with Prue.
:'''Piper''': Oh, of course you were, that makes sense. Is she okay?
:'''Grams''': Your mother and I are helping her through this.
:'''Piper''': But how is she?
:'''Grams''': I'm not allow to tell you now, just like you're not allow to see her. At least not for a while, anyway.
:'''Piper''': Why?
:'''Grams''': Because seeing Prue right now, speaking to her, keeps her alive for you. Which keeps you from being able to move on with your life... to continue your destiny.
:'''Piper''': What destiny?! Okay, it's over, it's done, Prue is gone, and I...
:'''Grams''': I know, sweetie, I know. But if there's one thing you learned over the last three years it's that there's always a reason for everything. Which means, there's a reason for this, too. Your destiny still awaits. Blessed be.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': I'm not angry. I am pissed off! Don't you understand? You healed the wrong sister! You saved me because I'm your damn wife, and you should've saved her because she was the best! Because she... you should... Why did they put us through so much for it to end this way?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': She's been there my whole life. I've always had a big sister. And I don't know how to live without one.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': Oh, never mind. It's boring. All right, but if I tell you all about Paige and you use it against me, I will get out my voodoo doll and make you sorry you're a man. So my sad story is that I'm adopted, only it's not so sad because I loved my parents, God rest. So after they died, I went searching for my birth mother, hoping to get some answers. I went to the police station, found the church where I was dumped at… I checked around. I figured she must've lived near here, you know? They even thought I might've been… related to the Halliwell sisters for a minute, but their Mom died a long time ago, so I gave up on that.
:'''Shane''': Well, did you ever meet the sisters, ask them about it or…
:'''Paige''': Yeah right. &quot;Hi. I think your Mom might've abandoned me at birth. What's for dinner?&quot; No. I don't think so.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Hey, you okay?
:'''Piper''': Yeah, sure, why not?  We could have another funeral tomorrow.  I mean, all the dishes are out, and we pretty much know who to invite.
:'''Phoebe''': Piper...
:'''Piper''': Just tell me one thing. Are you insane or are you just plain stupid? We bury Prue this morning and you go off tonight and nearly join her. What the hell is the matter with you?!
:'''Phoebe''': I was trying to save the innocent.
:'''Piper''': No. You were trying to get yourself killed, which is what this family does best is get killed. Isn't it obvious by now that our only destiny is to die? And you are making it way too easy for them, Phoebe. You are just walking right into it!
:'''Phoebe''': I am so sorry.
:'''Piper''': I can not handle anything right now and I certainly cannot handle losing another sister.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(finding out that there is a possibility that the Charmed Ones can be reconstituted following Prue's death, Piper furiously marches up to the attic)''
:'''Phoebe''': What's going on?
:'''Piper''': I'm going to ask Grams what's going on, actually.
:'''Phoebe''': Grams?
:'''Piper''': Mm-hmm!  Your destiny still ''awaits'', she says.  There's a reason for ''everything'', she says.  So now it's time to summon her transparent butt back here and find out exactly what that ''reason'' is!
:'''Phoebe''': Okay, but what would...
:'''Piper''': ''(tensely reciting the spell, interrupting Phoebe loudly)'' Hear these words, hear my cry, spirit from the other side.  Come to me, I summon thee, ''(angrily)'' ''cross now the Great DIVIDE!''
:'''Grams''': Piper, why are you calling? Phoebe? What's going on?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Patty Halliwell|Patty]]''': It happened after your father and I were divorced, when Sam and I were together.
:'''Cole''': Sam?
:'''Leo''': Her whitelighter.
:'''Cole''': Hmm. Apples don't fall far from the forbidden tree, I see.
:'''Piper''': ''Shh!''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grams''': Alright, fine, You've caught us, congratulations! So what are you going to do about us, shoot us?
:'''Phoebe''': Easy, Grams! Not all of us are dead, remember?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cole''': And I thought my family was screwed up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': ...We call the spirits to help undo and send him off to… Timbuktu! Woah, it worked!
:'''Piper''': Timbuktu? You sent him to Timbuktu?!
:'''Phoebe''': It was the only thing I could think of that rhymed with 'undo'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Yeah, I'm angry, um, I'm confused, and you know what, this, this is just crazy! You cannot float in here after all these years and go, 'Oh gosh, I forgot, by the way, you've got a ''sister''!' Especially NOT today of all days!''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': It's not enough. Shax was just the messenger. We need to get The Source.
:'''Paige''': The Source of what?
:'''Piper''': Of All Evil.

=== '' Charmed Again, Pt 2 ''  ===

:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': It's kind of hard to heal myself when I'm knocked out.
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Leo, how is possible for an angel to even get knocked out? I mean, you are, after all, technically dead.
:'''Leo''': Three years together, and now you're asking these questions?
:'''Phoebe''': Well…
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': I think the more appropriate question is, how does a whitelighter get somebody knocked up?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Sister witch.
:'''Piper''': Half-witch, half-whitelighter. Let's not forget that little surprise.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Let's just say, when I wanted to find out who I was, I didn't want to find out I was a freak.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Cowan''': This is none of your business. You're an assisstant, not a social worker.
:'''Paige''': That's because you're too cheap to make me one.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': So, perhaps the whitelighter in her makes it work differently.
:'''Piper''': Half breed.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': I guess blood's a little thicker than evil.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Why did you come to Prue's funeral? I mean, you never even met her right?
:'''Paige''': No, I never did. I don't want this to be taken the wrong way, but, I just feel like part of me lost her too. I just.. I felt drawn to her, to all you guys. I guess it was just part of me trying to find out who I was.

=== '' Hell Hath No Fury ''  ===

:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Okay, turn left up here. And can you step on the gas a little?
:''(makes a sharp turn and almost collides with a taxi cab.)''
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Off the gas! Off the gas!
:'''[[w:Cole Turner|Cole]]''': Does somebody else want to drive here?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Two witches and a half-a-demon does not the power of three make.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Piper, I can't help you unless you talk to me.
:'''Piper''': It hurts to talk, Leo... it hurts to ''breathe''...so unless you know some way of how to bring Prue back, I don't wanna talk right now.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Instead of teaching Paige how to be a witch, we're out hunting for every Tom, Dick and Beelzebub in San Francisco. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cole''': If it's the Source, I'll just ask him to come back later.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Piper, Cole's right. We have a system for fighting demons and it's worked pretty well for the last three years.
:'''Piper''': I think, uh, Prue being killed counts as a pretty big glitch in the system.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cole''': She has no regard for her life, or anyone else's. She's [[w:Charles Bronson|Charles Bronson]] cubed.
:'''Leo''': I said I'd talk to her.
:'''Phoebe''': Guys, guys. Who is Charles Bronson?
:''(Leo and Cole look at each other incredulously)''
:'''Phoebe''': Never mind.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Evil got the Book of Shadows. How did evil get the Book of Shadows?
:'''Phoebe''': Oh no.
:'''Piper''': Oh no, Phoebe? Evil got the Book of Shadows, 'oh no' doesn't quite cover it.
:'''Cole''': Let me go see what I can find out... ''(stopped by Phoebe)''
:'''Phoebe''': No, wait... Uh, Piper? Promise me you're not gonna over-react.
:'''Piper''': Is that even possible?
:'''Phoebe''': I ''think'' that, uh, maybe... ''(gulps)'' well, it might-might be ''feasible'' that, uh, ''(takes in a deep breath)'' Paige... ''borrowed'' the book.
:'''Piper''': What? Why-why... why... Why would you think that?!
:'''Phoebe''': See, now, this is what I meant by over-reacting, it's just that I...
:'''Cole''': You let Paige take the Book of Shadows out of the manor.
:'''Phoebe''': Well, ''no'', I did not ''let'' her! It's just she ''left'' pretty quick and... it looks like she might've... ''(points to the open attic window)''
:'''Piper''': ''Out'' of the window?!
:'''Phoebe''': Piper, I...
:'''Piper''': Phoebe, why would you even leave her ''alone'' with it?!
:'''Phoebe''': Well, because she's our sister.
:'''Piper''': ''(chuckles, then stops abruptly)'' ''Not'' for long! ''(stalks out)''
:''(Phoebe follows Piper out of the door, only to return again to Cole, who is sitting on a chair)''
:'''Phoebe''': Aren't you coming?
:'''Cole''': To vanquish your sister? ''(scoffs lightly)'' I think I'll sit this one out.
:''(Phoebe leaves while Cole twiddles his thumbs.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': ''You'' are so... ''(notices Paige's overlarge breasts)'' busted?!
:'''Phoebe''': Woo... ''hello''!
:'''Piper''': You ''stole'' our sacred book, so you could perform magical plastic surgery on yourself?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': What happened?!
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': I don't know, they just... grew.
:'''Piper''': ''(as Phoebe scoffs)'' Oh, right, and-and you had nothing to do with that.
:'''Phoebe''': Did you cast any spells?
:'''Paige''': One... ''(reluctantly after a pause)'' Five...
:'''Piper''': Five?!
:'''Phoebe''': Okay, what did you do just before you turned into Betty Boop?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': Tell her, Piper. It's ''all right'' to hate her. 
:''(Piper shakes her head once and turns to leave, angrily pulling against chained doors.)''
:'''Paige''': You ''should'' hate her. When my parents died, I hated them. I was alone, and I ''hated'' them. It is ''okay'' to hate Prue!
:'''Piper''': ''(seemingly to Paige)'' How ''dare'' you! ''(suddenly turns and begins to beat her hands against Prue's gravestone)'' How dare you ''leave'' me! How could you go and ''die'' and leave me here all ''alone'', please come back! I need you, please come back... ''(breaks down sobbing while turning back human)''
:'''Leo''': It's okay, it's gonna be okay, honey.
:'''Piper''': It's not 'okay', she risked her life every day and she never thought about what would happen to me and Phoebe if she was gone.
:'''Leo''': I know...
:'''Piper''': How could she think... that I could live without her?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': So, how scary was I?
:'''Phoebe''': Heck, I've seen worse. I've ''been'' worse. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': With everything that happens in our lives, love just feels like an invitation for more pain.
:'''Phoebe''': Well... maybe you don't start with love. Maybe you just start with 'thanks'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': ''(noticing Paige's scratch)'' You know, Leo could fix that for you.
:'''Paige''': It's my first war wound, think I'll wear it with pride.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': It'll never be okay that she's gone, Piper. But I promise it will get better.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Paige, there are rules to being a witch, rules that you will have to learn and follow.
:'''Paige''': Well, not to be difficult, but... you're married to our Whitelighter and Phoebe's shacking up with a demon. So, on balance, maybe my friend could stay cute?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Cowan''': My, my, my. That pile looks about the same size as it did about an hour ago.
:'''Piper''': Oh, that was my fault. I distracted her with muffins.
:'''Mr. Cowan''': And you are?
:'''Piper''': I'm her sister.

=== ''Enter the Demon  ''  ===

:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Okay. After mixing your potions, what's the best method to preserve unused sea slugs for future use? A) Pickle them, B) Sugar them, C) Smoke them, D) Freeze dry them.
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Well now, you see, if I had extra sea slugs, I'd let those little suckers go right on back into the ocean.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Paige, don't be make me the wicked witch of the northwest. I didn't ask for this big sister gig and frankly it sucks. But since I'm on a roll, you should get rid of that lollipop habit because it's going to rot your teeth.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': Next up, some powered toadstool. Bam! Let's kick it up one more notch.
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Whoa, what are you doing?
:'''Paige''': You know, just preparing for the Source.
:'''Leo''': Oh, is he coming over for dinner?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mason''': He said that if he doesn't hurry up and make you a social worker, you'll probably quit and start your own agency. That or end up in jail. He wasn't sure which. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': I smell something witchy.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': My God, what did you have for dinner?
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Kung Pao Chicken. Sorry.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yun Lo''': Oh, it's you... black belt Barbie.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Well, here comes your personal trainer from hell.
:'''Piper''': Literally.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': So what's on our training shedule today? light sabers?

=== ''Size Matters  '' ===

:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Okay, well like it or not, there have been a lot of changes lately, and this is hardly the biggest.
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Ooh, speak of the devil/whitelighter/witch.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': It's not fair, you shouldn't carry the financial burden.
:'''Piper''': I will worry about the source of our income, if you worry about the Source of all evil.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Damn it! I am only going to say this once, the real world better start showing me some respect otherwise I'm going to stop saving it every week!
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': What happened?
:'''Phoebe''': I just had the worst job interview for a position that a monkey could fill, provided that the monkey could explain why it needed flexible work hours.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': It's okay, P3 doesn't exist anymore.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Are you siding with Paige now?
:'''Leo''': Hey, there's no sides. And, yes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Do not go into that house. Did you hear me? I said do not go in. It is like talking to a wall!
:'''Leo''': She's got the Halliwell hearing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Well, speaking for my Great Aunt Sylvia, who collect Hummells. When they have a hard time dealing with real people, figurines can be their best friends.
:'''Leo''': Yeah, but being socially awkward doesn’t land you in the Book of Shadows.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Well then we need to find Paige, and hope that she's not in trouble, so we can find Phebe and hope that she's not in trouble.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bouncer''': Hold it! You can’t go in there. 
:'''Piper''': Excuse me? 
:'''Bouncer''': It’s the VIP area. 
:'''Piper''': Oh! You're assuming because I'm not tall, tattooed, or big breasted that I'm not important. That's a bad assumption see, 'cos I own this club which makes me a V.V.VIP!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Claudia''': Oh, my gosh. How did you do that?
:'''Phoebe''': The Power of Three.
:'''Piper''': The Power of point-Three.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Okay, well then there's just one more thing that we need to tie up.
:'''Piper''': Oh, okay. 
:'''Phoebe''': Uh, Leo what are you looking for?
:'''Leo''': Something very important.
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Broken glass?
:'''Leo''': Broken glass that needs healing. Here it is. It's up to you.
:'''Piper''': Can you do it? Well, then do it. It looks like P3's back. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper, Phoebe, and Paige''':
::Small of mind,&lt;br&gt;
::Big of woe,&lt;br&gt;
::The pain you caused,&lt;br&gt;
::You now will know.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Oh, he's way too big for my tiny magic.

=== '' A Knight to Remember ''  ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Look at me. I look like a drowned rat! I need my blow dryer. 
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Pretend you’re camping. 
:'''Phoebe''': I hate camping. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Phoebe, we can’t just schedule vanquishes. Okay, demon attacks don’t usually fit into the day planners.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glen''': Can’t you just be a little late?
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': I already am a little late. 
:'''Glen''': Can’t you be a lot late?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Yeah, she's home... She's just a little, indisposed at the moment.
:'''Piper''': Wait, you watch? What are you, like a peeping angel?
:'''Leo''': Wha.. I didn't see anything
:'''Piper''':Ahh
:'''Leo''': Alright just a little but how else am i supposed to protect her
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': But we could do something about it if we were together, you know, if we lived together 'cos that’s when we’re the strongest. What do you say?
:'''Paige''': Are you two out of your freakin’ minds?  
:'''Piper''': Don’t people storm out of the house when they’re angry...?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': The Evil Enchantress?
:'''Paige''': That's it! That's the evil witch, the one who kills the Prince, after he gets her pregnant, of course.
:'''Piper''': Of course!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''':
::Bring together my Prince and me,&lt;br&gt;
::Let him fall on bended knee,&lt;br&gt;
::I summon him to my side,&lt;br&gt;
::That he may take me to be his destined bride.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': Piper, do that thing you do.
:'''Piper''': I don't wanna blow him up.
:'''Paige''': Well risk it, he's using his tongue!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Paige! The Charmed Ones come first! 
:'''Phoebe''': The Charmed Ones come first? 
:'''Piper''': It always worked when Prue said it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': He’s wandering around in chain mail?
:'''Piper''': It’s San Francisco. No one will notice. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': So why is Sir Lust-a-Lot after you?
:'''Paige''': How should I know?
:'''Piper''': Well, because it's your damn fairy tale and it's alive and frozen in our kitchen. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''': This is who you are Paige, you know that. Why are you running from it?
:'''Paige''': Oh gee, I don't know. Being hunted by the Source, ducking the Furies and being shrunk by a psycho demon, not to mention being chased after by a bedtime story. I don't know why I wouldn't want the rest of my life to be just like that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Leo, we are up to our pointy little hats in demonic problems here!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prince''': I will not leave until you are with child. 
:'''Paige''': Okay, a) I always use protection and b) You're a fairy tale! Just keep that sword of yours sheathed pal.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Defiant, clever, and independent. That kind of describes Paige, don't you think?
:'''Piper''': Yeah, along with stubborn, stubborn, and more stubborn. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': What if Paige was the Evil Enchantress once upon a time?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''': What the hell happened here?
:'''Phoebe''': Paige's past life almost killed us. That's what happened here.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prince''': Just tell me what you want and I will give it to you, I swear.
:'''Paige''': Can you make me as good as Prue was?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': Does this mean I'm evil?
:'''Piper''': Yeah.
:'''Phoebe''': No.
:'''Piper''': No.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Paige gets in her car.  The Enchantress walks down the street.  Paige tries to run her over, but the Enchantress repels her car with a blast of wind, popping a tire.  Paige gets out.)''
:'''Evil Enchantress''': Don't tell me I become good in the future.
:'''Paige''': Damn good. ''(She pulls the potion out of her purse and throws it, but the Enchantress destroys it with lightning.)'' 
:'''Evil Enchantress''': And here I was, so looking forward to meeting myself. ''(she blows Paige backward with a blast of wind, knocking her into the car)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': What are we supposed to do, go back to the Middle Ages or the Dark Ages, or whatever the hell ages those are?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Enchantress''': How did you get here?
:'''Paige''': I'm Charmed.
:'''Evil Enchantress''': Not for long.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Leo!
:'''Phoebe''': I thought you were a pacifist.
:'''Leo''': I didn't kill him, did I?
:'''Piper''': I gotta tell you, I find this side of you very sexy.
:'''Leo''': Really?
:'''Piper''': Yeah.
:'''Phoebe''': You've been holding out on us. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': And they lived happily ever after.
:'''Phoebe''': Yeah right!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper, Phoebe, and Paige''':
::Vanquish, we three witches cry,&lt;br&gt;
::One final shock and then you die.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prince''': Why do you run from me?
:'''Paige''': Why are you chasing me?
:'''Prince''': Because we're meant to be together
:'''Paige''': That is not true! Does this look like King Arthur's court buddy?
:'''Prince''': It doesn't matter, we're meant to conceive an heir my love
:'''Paige''': Stop saying that!
:'''Phoebe''': You guys want some privacy?
:'''Paige''': This is not funny!

=== ''Brain Drain  ''  ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': You're changing the subject.
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': No, I'm ignoring you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Generations of Halliwells have fought demons and had kids. It didn't stop them, why should it stop you?
:'''Piper''': Did it ever occur to you that maybe this is none of your business?
:'''Phoebe''': Oh, that's besides the point.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Cole Turner|Cole]]''': ''(quietly)'' What's not supposed to be here?
:''(Piper notices a chair in the observatory and blows it up.)''
:'''Phoebe''': Piper, I think that was ''Paige's'' chair.
:'''Piper''': ''(satisfactorily)'' Yeah, I know, it was ugly.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': What the hell happened?
:'''Piper''': The freakin' furniture just attacked!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Evil hiding in plain sight, I use this spell with all my might, to stop your changing form and shape, this vanquish deals your fate.
:'''Orderly''': It doesn't really rhyme does it? Sorry.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': I'm gonna be sooo happy when I vanquish your sorry ass.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Let go of me so I can blow him up. I'm gonna blow you up! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Leo! Leo!
:'''Paige''': Will you stop with the Leo Leo, you're driving me crazier than I already am.
:'''Phoebe''': Ahh!
:'''Piper''': What? What is it? What did you see?
:'''Phoebe''': I saw the back of my eyelids, what do you think I saw?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': Hurry up, looney tunes, get me outta here.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Sorry...had to grab my broom.
:'''Piper''': For what?
:'''Phoebe''': Well for flying, silly.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': ''(jumps on broomstick)'' Another innocent to save!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': Got milk? Ooh, don't think so.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': &amp; '''Paige''':
::Life to life and mind to mind,&lt;br&gt;
::Our spirits now will intertwine.&lt;br&gt;
::We meld our souls and journey to,&lt;br&gt;
::The one whose thoughts we wish we knew.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': I think it worked.
:'''Paige''': Either that or we're in Mary Poppins' head.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': 
::From whence they came,&lt;br&gt;
::Return them now,&lt;br&gt;
::Vanish the words,&lt;br&gt;
::Vanish our powers.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Are you really my husband? 
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Yes.
:'''Piper''': And that would make you two really my sisters?
:'''Phoebe''': Whether you like it or not!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': What do you say we click our heels and get out of this crazy joint. No offense.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Is something wrong.
:'''Piper''': No. Everything is just right.
:'''Paige''': Except my chair...
:'''Piper''':Yeah... which, ummm, I'll actually pay to replace.
:'''Paige''': Oh God no. It's not your fault. ''(Paige pauses)'' Or is it?
:'''Piper''': Actually, yeah... it is. I was just upset that there was yet another demon in our house, in our lives. And I know I should stop fighting it and just accept it, but...
:'''Paige''': Nah. It wasn't my favorite chair. Besides, it is kinda good to know I am not the only one who struggles with the idea of being a witch.
:'''Phoebe''': No, trust me, you are in good company.
:'''Leo''': Well, the good news is that you won't have to deal with the Source anytime soon, because Cole hurt him pretty bad.
:'''Cole''': Not bad enough though, he'll be back.
:'''Phoebe''': So. ''(Rubs her hands up and down Cole's chest)'' He's gone for now. First time in a long time. Maybe we should take advantage of that.
:'''Cole''': ''(Pulls Phoebe up against him)'' Why Ms. Haliwell, are you trying to seduce me?
:'''Phoebe''': Always.
:'''Piper''': Ewwww...
:''(Phoebe and Cole race up the stairs laughing)''
:'''Paige''': Okay... I'm just going to go to the store and get some milk or something...
:''(Paige leaves)''
:'''Leo''': ''(to Piper)'' You sure you're okay?
:'''Piper''': Yeah. I mean, I'm never going to stop wanting a normal life, but I think that's the one thing that actually keeps me sane.
:'''Leo''': Well, you deserve a normal life Piper. We both do. And maybe we'll get that once we banish the Source once and for all.
:'''Piper''': And who knows. Maybe one day I could have a baby shower of my own. What do you think?
:'''Leo''': Well in that case...
:''(Leo picks Piper up and cradles her in his arms)''
:'''Piper''': Oh!
:'''Leo''': Need to practice a little.
:'''Piper''': Leo!

=== ''Black as Cole  ''  ===

:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': So I hear you and Leo are thinking about having a baby.
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Where did you hear that from?
:'''Paige''': From Phoebe. Oh, did I just break some sort of sister confidentiality clause?
:'''Piper''': No, you didn't. And no, we are not. Keep flipping.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': We have to stop meeting like this.
:'''[[w:Cole Turner|Cole]]''': Marry me.
:'''Phoebe''': What?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': You were a demon and a lawyer? Insert joke here.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sykes''': Belthazor, we meet at last.
:'''[[w:Cole Turner|Belthazor]]''': But not for long.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': What do you want?
:'''Sykes''': The same thing you do, only I call him Belthazor.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Well, just because you're not a demon anymore doesn't mean we can't live in sin.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': A demon who likes to kill witches. Well, that narrows it down to about every page in the book.
:'''Piper''': We have one clue. We know he likes to use an athame.
:'''Paige''': How does that help?
:'''Piper''': Well, it means he has hands. Keep flipping.

=== ''  Muse to My Ears '' ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Where are you going?
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': P3
:'''Phoebe''': At 9 in the morning, don't club kids sleep in?
:'''Piper''': Corporate party, big money, total nightmare.
:'''Phoebe''': Uh, what if there's an attack?
:'''Piper''': At 9am? Don't demons sleep in?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Great, well, I say the only good Source is a dead Source.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Who's going to kill us?
:'''Piper''': No one.
:'''Paige''': That's new.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': Who's attacking us?
:'''Piper''': No one.
:'''Paige''': Right on, I get the weekend off.
:'''Piper''': See now that is the spirit.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': So, I was thinking, since you're the potions master, isn't there something you could whip up? Some kind of protection potion, maybe?
:'''Piper''': Pheebs, if there was such a thing as a protection potion we'd be mixing it in our morning coffee.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': This is perfect. We need a theme. You're an artistic, creative type.
:'''Paige''': A theme?
:'''Phoebe''': Yeah, I'll explain on the way. Us theme, you potion.
:'''Piper''': Me peeved, you annoying.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': 
::Being of creativity,&lt;br&gt;
::Show yourself now to me,&lt;br&gt;
::Your light which shines upon our face,&lt;br&gt;
::Let our vision now embrace.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Now that I know what we're up against I can practically taste the potion. I don't know what it does, but it tastes pretty good.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': I'm making this up as I go along, so power surge or no, you're going to have to be patient. Just like you're going to have to be patient on the marriage front.
:'''[[w:Cole Turner|Cole]]''': I don't think that's any of your business.
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': You don't know sisters very well, do you?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Okay, so what exactly are you doing now?
:'''Phoebe''': Basking in the brilliance of our failure. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': It's about good versus evil, and wrong versus right, and our job as witches to fight the good fight.
:'''Piper''': Dr. Seuss, is that you?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper, Phoebe, and Paige''':
::Evil is a faithful foe,&lt;br&gt;
::But good does battle best,&lt;br&gt;
::We witches will,&lt;br&gt;
::With these words,&lt;br&gt;
::Waste the warlocks evil zest.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper, Phoebe, Paige''':
::Being of creativity,&lt;br&gt;
::Hide yourself now from me,&lt;br&gt;
::Your light that shines upon our face,&lt;br&gt;
::From our vision now erase.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Okay, you guys, we have a warlock to catch. And I know were beaten, and I know we're tired, but that does not mean we can just lay down and play dead.
:'''Piper''': I don't think we're gonna have to play.

=== '' A Paige from the Past ''  ===

:'''[[w:Cole Turner|Cole]]''': I went from all powerful demon to mere mortal overnight.
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': You are not mere. Baby, you are anything but mere.
:'''Cole''': Next to the Charmed Ones, I'm a potted plant.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Am I the world's biggest bitch or what?
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Nah, too easy. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': No, Clyde ignores them. There's only one way to get Clyde down here. ''(to Clyde)'' Clyde! Get your butt down here you fetid worm from the bog of eternal stench! ''[to Piper]'' You gotta make him mad. ''[to Clyde]'' Your mother was a chunky substance from a gin cesspool! And she smelled bad too!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''':''(to paige)'' You haven't told us and we've been dying to know. What happened in your past?
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': I found out that I wasn't responsible for the accident.
:'''Piper''': Of course you weren't.
:''(Paige looks sad.)''
:'''Phoebe''': Then what's wrong?
:'''Paige''': It just makes me sad that my parents will never see us, or what I've become.
:'''Leo''': Actually, that's not quite true.
:''(Paige's adopted parents appear in the dining holding hands.)''
:'''Piper''': Uh, Leo?
:'''Leo''': Let's just say that I owe Clyde now.
:'''Paige's Mom''': We know who you are honey, what you've become.
:'''Paige's Dad''': We've been with you every step of the way and we're so proud of you sweetheart.
:''(Paige hugs her parents.) ''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Can you take us back to meet John Lennon?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Rough ride. You okay?
:'''Paige''': Yeh. I'm alright.. I'm all wrong! I'm so scrooged, I was meant to come back as a ghost, not a ghost with braces.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Darryl, I'm sorry, but what do you want me to say? My sister was just possessed with a supernaturally born killer and my husband is in 1994, and I do not mean in the fashion sense. He time traveled back with my other sister so the only one left to help me is you.
:'''[[w:Darryl Morris|Darryl]]''': Gee. Thanks.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': First they're all over each other at the manor, then they steal a ring and now a wedding dress? Frankie and Lulu's unfinished business isn't criminal, it's matrimonial. They wanna get married!
:'''Darryl''': Do you people have any normal weddings in your family?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Paige heads for the exploded car her parents were in. Leo runs over and grabs her. She screams.)''
:'''Paige''': Let go of me! I have to save them!
:'''Leo''': They're gone.
:'''Paige''': Why did you bring me back here! Why! I though I could stop the accident!
:'''Leo''': You couldn't stop the accident because it was never your fault.
:'''Paige''': It was my fault. It was my fault.
:'''Leo''': They would have died anyway, it was their destiny. Just like it was your destiny to be saved by magic.
:'''Paige''': That's how I got out of the car. I orbed out.
:'''Leo''': That's right.
:'''Paige''': I could always orb?
:'''Leo''': Magic's always been inside of you. It saved you because you were meant to do great things with it, and you have, and you will. This is what you came back here to find, what caused the accident, why you survived it. You need to forgive yourself.
:'''Paige''':  But it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, they'll never know how much I love them. They'll never know what good parents they were.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Uhm, If you'll put your nose any deeper into that coffee cup, you're gonna need a snorkel. What do you know?

=== '' Trial By Magic ''  ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': I can't sleep because I miss Cole too much. If he doesn't come home soon, I'm going to turn into a vampire.
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Jokes like that in this house, not so funny.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': I don't think you understand..
:'''Paige''': I understand that I also pay rent here!
:'''Piper''': There is no rent.
:'''Paige''': It's an expression.
:'''Piper''': No it's not!
:'''Paige''': Well it should be!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Juror''': Hey, I got a premonition. We'll be outta here in time for lunch.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Look out Nancy Drew coming through! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': 
::Let mind and body soar,
::To heights not reached before,
::Let limits stretch,
::That you may catch,
::A new truth to explore.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': I'm gonna need a few things. A sage stick, five white candles and...
:'''Juror''': A magic wand.
:'''Phoebe''': No, incense. I'm gonna summon the dead.
:'''Juror''': Ooooh.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': Aah!
:'''Piper''': What, demons you can handle, but not rats? Aah!
:'''Paige''': Right back at you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': What are you doing?
:'''Juror''': Looking for wires. This is some kind of trick.
:'''Phoebe''': Did you find any?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': I don't think it's a good idea if your boyfriend stays here.
:'''Paige''': He's not my boyfriend. Sometimes he's my boyfriend, but mostly he's just my really good friend.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': You can trust Glen. He's been my friend since, God, kindergarten.
:'''Piper''': You haven't been a witch since kindergarten. I don't think you understand.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Piper, Phoebe, Leo and Paige are talking about a murder case. Glen walks in.)''
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Hey, there, Glen!
:'''Piper''': What did you hear?
:'''Glen''': Excuse me?
:'''Phoebe''': She said what are you doing here?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Paige and Glen head for the kitchen.)''
:'''Phoebe''': Is he staying here?
:'''Piper''': Mm-hmm.
:'''Phoebe''': I think you need to talk to her.
:'''Piper''': I did, and apparently I was the only one paying attention.

=== '' Lost and Bound'' ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': What good is being a witch if I can't just twitch my nose and make the laundry fold itself.
:'''[[w:Cole Turner|Cole]]''': Which witch can do that?
:'''Phoebe''': Samantha Stevens. From Betwitched.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cole''': I'm getting more human by the day. What would you say if I became really human, and got a job?
:'''Phoebe''': If thats the criteria for being really human then I am in big trouble.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cole''': Phoebe we're hardly typical. I proposed to you under a hail of demon goo and you accepted while I was bleeding to death.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': It's just, becoming a wife. I mean, I like Samantha but I never actually wanted to become her. See, Samantha, she was married to a human, Darren. Darren completely suppressed Samantha's magic, completely denied who she was. And it wasn't because he didn't love her, it was just that's the way it had to be.
:'''Cole''': And this was one of your favourite shows?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': She went from being Samantha to Mrs. Darren Stevens overnight.
:'''Cole''': Well, that won't happen to you.
:'''Phoebe''': Won't it?
:'''Cole''': No. You'll become Mrs. Cole Turner.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cole''': Miss Phoebe Halliwell, I come to you, a man, nothing more, nothing less, to ask, will you be my wife?
:'''Phoebe''': Hmm.. Yeah, I will, again.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Urgh, the sun came up again.
:'''Phoebe''': Good morning sunshine, let me pour you a cup of coffee. Notice anything different about me?
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Engagement ring. Notice it or wear coffee.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': It's a lot for any child to deal with. Plus ours will be doublely magical, half-whitelighter, half-witch.
:'''Paige''': Hey, that's like me! Oh...you might have some trouble.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': And Paige, thank you so much for getting him this job. I mean especially now that we're going to be married and he's gonna have to get used to bringing home the bacon.
:'''Paige''': Since when does Phoebe care about bacon?
:'''Leo''': I'm sure she meant all breakfast meats.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': You know what? Don't make our issues his issues. I think you need to give him a chance to learn how to control it. Maybe that's why we met him. To teach him, guide him.
:'''Phoebe''': Feed him.
:'''Paige''': Wow, Phoebe, you went all out.
:'''Phoebe''': Oh, well, you know me. Any excuse to spend a little extra time in the kitchen.
:'''Piper''': I do know you and that's just not true.
:'''Phoebe''': Oh, but it is now that I'm going to be Sadie, Sadie, married lady.
:'''Piper''': Alright, Sadie, how about I take the cookies to the kid.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Phoebe, are you feeling alright?
:'''Phoebe''': Peachy keen.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': ''(sung to the tune of Jingle Bells.)'' I'm making soup for Cole. He'll eat it in a bowl. I guess that's my new role, just making soup for Cole.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Oh honey, what will you do?
:'''Cole''': Well, I dunno, I'm still searching for who I am. But we know who you are, which is a demon-fighting, ass-kicking witch who never lets her sisters down. So get out of that bathtub and show me what you're made of!
:''(Phoebe stands up and flashes black and white)''
:'''Phoebe''': Better?
:'''Paige''': Hey, Cole, how's your progress going on... Oh God, full frontal Phoebe! Sorry.
:'''Cole''': She just flashed.
:'''Paige''': Yeah, I got that!
:'''Cole''': No, no, I mean she just flashed black and white.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Stand back.
:''(Piper keeps trying to blow up the spell-protected gates and succeeds on the third time.)''
:'''Phoebe''': What was that?
:'''Paige''': I think you just saw a mother lift a car off her child.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper, Phoebe, and Paige''':
::The brittle winter 
::Gives way to flowers of spring,
::Ludlow is vanquished.
:'''Phoebe''': What the hell was that?
:'''Paige''': A Haiku, I couldn't do the rhyming thing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Paige, you coming?
:'''Paige''': Can't. I have to go to that evil place where they keep my paycheck.

=== '' Charmed and Dangerous ''  ===

:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': A demon? What kind of demon?
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': One with a half a face.
:'''Piper''': Yuck!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Oh honey, are you still on that Last Will and Testament kick? I gotta tell you, it's very very morbid.
:'''Piper''': No, it's very very responsible. Prue did it, and thank God she did 'cause if she didn't we'd still be dealing with lawyers. No offense.
:'''[[w:Cole Turner|Cole]]''': Oh, none taken. I've come to terms with my evil past.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cole''': Well, one step at a time. First we vanquish the Source, then we'll worry about putting Pandora back in it's box.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Seer''': Even now I can see the void where your demon half used to exist, it craves to be complete again.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Oh, my God!
:'''[[w:The Source of All Evil|The Source]]''': Not quite.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Source''': Say hello to Prue for me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': I don't understand, if we got our powers back, where did the Source go?
:'''The Seer''': Into the void.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': For Prue.
:'''Piper''': For Prue.
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': What do you say we go home and get started on our future?
:'''Piper''': What do you say we go home and sleep, and we work on that future tomorrow night.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper, Phoebe, and Paige''':
::Prudence, Penelope, Patricia, Melinda,&lt;br&gt;
::Astrid, Helena, Laura and Grace,&lt;br&gt;
::Halliwell witches stand strong beside us,&lt;br&gt;
::Vanquish this evil from time and space.

=== ''The Three Faces of Phoebe  ''  ===

:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Maybe you're right, maybe you do need the book. What good is being a witch if you can't use a little magic when you're hurting.
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': I cannot believe that you're suggesting that. What about personal gain?
:'''Piper''': Well, just word the spell properly, avoid it. You should know how to do it by now. Just be pure, ask your heart for the answer. Just don't tell Paige, I just don't want her thinking she can do it too.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': I hate it when you're right.
:'''Piper''': Really? See, I usually like it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': This demon didn't even seem to know who we were, which by the way I find insulting. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': I can explain, you are dreaming.
:'''Piper''': Dreaming?
:'''Phoebe''': Yes, dreaming. And you are going to wake up in your room and everything is going to be fine.
:'''Little Phoebe''': I'm ten, I'm not stupid. Grams!
:'''Piper''': Wow, I do not miss that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Cole Turner|Cole]]''': Who are you?
:'''Old Phoebe''': Maybe this will refresh your memory. You bastard. ''(slaps Cole across the face.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': I cast a spell to hear my heart's desire. And I guess my past self and my future self showed up to help me listen.
:'''Cole''': What desire did you want to hear?
:'''Phoebe''': That's between me and...me. 
:'''Old Phoebe''': Worried?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Old Phoebe''': Ah, the good old days. Of course, nobody's gonna take you seriously until you stop dressing like a tramp.
:'''Phoebe''': A tramp? That is so 'in' right now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Little Phoebe''': Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream...
:'''Piper''': Honey, you have to listen to me.
:'''Little Phoebe''': Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream.
:'''Piper''': We're just trying to help.
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': She's your sister.
:'''Piper''': Yeah, don't remind me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Having a little trouble with young Phoebe?
:'''Piper''': Yeah, enough to make me reconsider having children. Maybe we should just lie to her again.
:'''Phoebe''': No. I think I have an idea.
:'''Little Phoebe''': Stay away from me or I'll sick Prue on you.
:'''Piper''': Oh, yeah, don't go there. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Having problems with geriatric you?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Little Phoebe''': Oh, my gosh! Who are you?
:'''Phoebe''': That guy is Cole. He's our fiancee.
:'''Little Phoebe''': Wait, you mean he's our prince? The one who sweeps us off our feet?
:'''Piper''':: Haha, Prince?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': What about little Phoebe? She went back to her time with all this knowledge of the future. Won't that cause complications?
:'''Piper''': I doubt it. The minute she starts talking about magic, Grams will do some hocus pocus to erase all that knowledge.
:'''Paige''': That's nice.
:'''Piper''': That's Grams. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': I did the rhyme, I will do the time.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper, Phoebe, and Paige''':
::Hell threw you from it's inner core,&lt;br&gt;
::But Earth won't hold you any more,&lt;br&gt;
::Since heaven cannot be your place,&lt;br&gt;
::Let flesh and blood be now erased.

=== '' Marry-Go-Round   ''  ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': And for my two beautiful bridesmaids, whom I chose because they're my best friends in the whole wide world. There's a bonsai tree for balance and harmony, and a dreamcatcher so all your dreams will come true, just like mine have.
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': This is so great, tarot cards! My deck is totally trashed, this is perfect.
:'''Phoebe''': That's just incase you need psychic services while me and my new husband are busy getting busy.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': What is a wedding without a bachelor party? I've got poker chips, corn chips...I have chips! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': This is Phoebe and Cole's tarot reading. They were lovers in the past, despair fills their present, but this is their future. 
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Oh, please, this looks nothing like Death. Prue met him, I know.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Phoebe, let's not blow this out of proportion
:'''Phoebe''': My wedding dress could double as a circus tent, I think things are already out of proportion.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Don't think I don't know how you really feel about Cole.
:'''Paige''': Ugh, I have been nothing but nice to that demon.
:'''Phoebe''': Ex-demon.
:'''Paige''': Oh, is that like ex-convict?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': You are going to get ready, we are going to put lots and lots of makeup on you.
:'''Paige''': Oh face it, there's not spackle in the world to fill those craters.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': Listen, we're not fighting each other here, we're fighting evil. We kick evil's ass every day.
:'''Piper''': Sometimes twice a day.

=== '' The Fifth Halliwheel '' ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': To marriage.
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Hey, this is supposed to be our anniversary.
:'''Phoebe''': To Piper and Leo's marriage, may ours be as successful as theirs.
:'''Piper''': Yeh, see that still didn't sound like it was about us.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Cole Turner|Cole]]''': You can't go yet Paige, we haven't gotten to the good part.
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Oh, I'm sorry, I thought watching you guys make out all night was supposed to be the highlight of my evening.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cole''': I was with the entire family. Have you lost your mind?
:'''The Seer''': Forgive me, but it was imperative that I have you here now if my ritual is to take effect.
:'''Cole''': I am trying to be the perfect husband. The perfect brother-in-law. It would help if I didn't have demons waving at me from the dance floor.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Speaking of looking forward... Piper, you're going on your honeymoon tonight. I think new lingerie is in order.
:'''Piper''': You always think new lingerie is in order.
:'''Phoebe''': Not for me, silly. You wanna come, Paige?
:'''Paige''': Ugh, I can't. I have to go to that evil place where they keep my paycheque.
:'''Phoebe''': Oh, right, sorry.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': How do you spell 'oblique'?
:'''Piper''': With spellcheck. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Yes, Printing!
:'''Piper''': Hi, Saving!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': I can't believe I destroyed the house.
:'''Phoebe''': What I can't believe is what you almost saw in the hotel room. If you had gotten there five minutes earlier...
:'''Piper''': Lalala! Oversharing.

=== ''  Saving Private Leo  '' ===

:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': I'll go get the book and brush up on my ghostbusting.
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': No, no. I'll go do it.
:'''Piper''': You just said you were late for work
:'''Paige''': Yeah, but he's a ghost, who knows where he came from, what era. He's like a piece of manhunk history.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Cole wants us to get our own place
:'''Paige''': What, you mean move out?
:'''Phoebe''': Yeah, you know, like normal married couples do.
:'''Piper''': We didn't.
:'''Phoebe''': Yeah, but you're not normal.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Woman''': What's going on? Who is that?
:'''Piper''': My hero.

=== ''  Bite Me  ''  ===

:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': You know what Cole, just bite me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': So what's going on, is there a demon convention in San Francisco or what?
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Yes, there is a demonic electoral college, they've called a meeting and they're voting in a new source!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': How many have you had?
:'''Rowan''': I don't keep track. Faces all fade away, it's the taste you remember.
:'''Paige''': And what was I, fast food?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Maybe this is more than just being run down. Maybe you're pregnant.
:'''Phoebe''': That is funny. Actually, it's not so funny.. I went to the drugstore, I got a test, a peed on a stick and I anxiously awaited the results in two minutes.
:'''Piper''': And?
:'''Phoebe''': And, it was negative, thankfully.
:'''Piper''': Yeah, well, mine was too.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': I left the manor, not the family.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Manticore?
:'''Phoebe''': Bites, but doesn't fly.
:'''Piper''': Phoenix?
:'''Phoebe''': Flies, but doesn't bite.
:'''Piper''': Chupacabra!
:'''Phoebe''' ''(laughs)'': God bless you! Flies and bites, but only attacks livestock.

=== '' We're Off to See the Wizard   '' ===

:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': We only know that Cole is dealing with demons, not that he is a demon.
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': If it looks like a demon and walks like a demon.
:'''Piper''': That's ducks, that's not Phoebe's husband!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': I'm pregnant.
:'''Piper''': You're what?
:'''Paige''': Oh my God, from Cole?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Well maybe you haven't heard. There's a new Source, the old one is dead.
:'''Paige''': Yeah, we already kicked his sorry ass.
:'''Wizard''': He didn't die. He was reborn into a new sorry ass. Wait, that didn't come out right.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': You're lying, I can see your wisdom teeth.
:'''Paige''': I don't have wisdom teeth.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': ''(After she blows up a demon.)'' What an idiot, doesn't every demon know by now, who's house this is?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': Alright, what's the plan?
:'''Piper''': We learn from his mistakes.
:'''Wizard''': Not mistakes. Miscalculations.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wizard''': Please, Merlin was an over-rated hack. Tell me he's not the only wizard you people have ever heard of.
:'''Paige''': Does [[w:Harry Potter|Harry Potter]] count?

=== '' Long Live the Queen   ''  ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Do me a favor. Find something that strengthens me and doesn’t taste like crap.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': This one duplicates my freezing power, plus it scalds the flesh, so we should only use it in a dire emergency.
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': No! I will not scald Phoebe’s flesh!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': She's like Piper-lite. All the personality without any of those messy emotions.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Relax boys. I’m here to cook, not kill.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Phoebe, you're evil. You're like the Queen of All Evil. Literally.
:'''Phoebe''': That's beside the point.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': How, how, how could you do that? How could you just let him go?
:'''Phoebe''': I don't know why you're so upset, we saved the innocent, didn't we?
:'''Piper''': I can't talk to her. You talk to her!
: '''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Phoebe...
:'''Phoebe''': Things are not as black and white as they used to be, ok? I can't just go around and kill demons anymore.
:'''Paige''': Why not? We heard you just killed two last night.
:'''Phoebe''': Yeah, well that was different, he was getting on my nerves. I promised Cole I wouldn't kill anymore. And killing Malick would have been a huge betrayal.
:'''Piper''': Malick? You're on a first-name basis with the demons?
: '''Leo''': If you were just gonna order him to stop, you could have done that on your own. Why did you even come to us?
:'''Phoebe''': Because I ''missed'' you guys! Okay? Is that so wrong? I ''missed'' you!
: '''Leo''': Phoebe, you can't be the Queen of the Underworld and a Charmed One. You can't have it both ways.
:'''Phoebe''': Why not? Just because it's different doesn't mean that it can't work. And you all miss me too, even though I'm sure Piper probably doesn't want to admit it to herself.
:'''Paige''': Of course, we miss you, honey.
:'''Phoebe''': Well, you can have me back. You can have the Power of Three back. You just have to be willing to meet me halfway.
:'''Piper''': Phoebe, you can't protect the innocent and save demons. It just doesn't work that way.
:'''Phoebe''': Apparently, it does. He's alive, isn't he? 
:'''Paige''': Yeah, but your friend Malick is gonna come back.
:'''Phoebe''': You don't know that.
:'''Piper''': That's what they do, Phoebe. They come back. They snarl, and come back.
:'''Paige''': Yeah, and now we have to worry about protecting him instead of trying to save you.
:'''Phoebe''': You think I need saving?
:'''Piper''': Are you kidding me? That baby inside you has corrupted you, more than you think.
:'''Phoebe''': Piper...
:'''Piper''': Don't Piper me. This is insane. What are you saying is insane. You can ''not'' come back. You can ''not'' work with us, as long as you're married to the Source.
:'''Phoebe''': So what do you want me to do?! You want me to leave my husband?!
:'''Piper''': Yes!
:'''Phoebe''': That is not fair!
: '''Leo''': It's not fair Phoebe, but you have to pick a side. Good or evil. That's how it works. Even though it means giving up someone you love, you have to choose.
:'''Phoebe''': I'm really sorry you feel that way. ''(she disappeares in the flame)'' .
:'''Piper''': I can't do this. ''(walks away)''
:'''Paige''': What about Greg?
:''(Piper unfreezes him.)''
:'''Greg''': Oh no, not again.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Elise''': Dear Betrayed, I suggest you beat your cheating husband with his secretary's stapler. Then he'll think twice before bending her over her desk again.
:'''Phoebe''': Well it might be a little harsh, but I think it makes a point.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Paige could see that Cole clearly had turned evil, and she tried to tell me over and over and over and over and over... and over. That doesn't even sound like a word anymore.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': This time, the Source is Cole. You really think she's going to say a little spell with us to vanquish him?
:'''Paige''': If she doesn't, we die.
:'''Piper''': Is that supposed to be comforting?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': You killed him?
:'''[[w:Cole Turner|Cole]]''': It was... your mess, I was just cleaning it up.
:'''Phoebe''': Cole, they're gonna come after you. They're gonna come ''here''!&quot;
:'''Cole''': Well, if they do...
:'''Phoebe''': No... ''(walks away)''
:'''Cole''': Phoebe, if it comes to either them or us... Phoebe, wait.
:'''Phoebe''': Oh, God. ''(runs inside the bathroom and empties her stomach)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': You evil, son-of-a-bitch.
:''(Piper blows Cole up and he turns into wasps. Paige starts placing crystals around the floor.)''
:'''Piper''': Phoebe, get out here and help us, dammit.
:''(Cole turns back in front of Paige and knocks her back as Piper warns her.)''
:'''Cole''': Don't make me kill you.
:''(Piper blows him up again)''
:'''Piper''': Phoebe! You heard what he said, he's gonna kill us, help us!
:'''Phoebe''': ''(as she's leaving the bathroom)'' Forgive me.
:''(Cole reforms and has a fireball in hand as Phoebe picks up the fallen crystal.)''
:'''Cole''': I'm sorry. It's... It's for the best.
:'''Phoebe''': ... I know it is. ''[walks over and kisses Cole]''
:'''Piper''': Phoebe?
:'''Phoebe''': ''(backing away)'' I'm sorry, too. ''(she places the last crystal on the ground, trapping Cole.)''
:'''Cole''': Phoebe, no... No!
:'''Phoebe''': I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry.
:'''Piper''': Prudence, Penelope, Patricia, Melinda... ''(Cole's legs go up in flames.)''
:'''Phoebe''': ''(voice breaking)'' Ashford, Helen, Laura, and Grace... ''(Cole's upper body go up in flames.)''
:'''Cole''': ''(to Phoebe, whispering)'' I'll always love you.
:'''Paige''': Halliwell witches, stand strong beside us...
:'''Phoebe''': Vanquish this evil...
:'''Piper''', '''Phoebe''', and '''Paige''': From time and space.
:''(Cole screams in pain and explodes in flames.)''

=== ''Womb Raider   ''  ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': How can I go to the doctor when I have a demonically challenged baby?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': What happened?!
:'''Phoebe''': Well it's about time! My head was on fire like a tiki torch a few seconds ago.
:'''Piper''': Do not change the subject! Did your baby just electrocute the nice doctor man?!
:'''Phoebe''': Yeah, I think so. But he was just protecting himself because that gel was really cold.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Piper, what is going on here?
:'''Piper''': I don't know, but don't panic, we'll wrap up here and we'll go home and panic!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Why me? I have nothing against that little fu... fetus. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Darryl Morris|Darryl]]''': I left four messages here. Did anybody in this house learn the magic of the telephone?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': ''(after Phoebe's baby morphs a slice of watermelon to a chunk of meat)'' Maybe your baby would prefer to listen to Ozzy.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': So let me get this straight, you summoned me to a cage where my powers don't work so we can all die together?
:'''Paige''': Well, the plan has some flaws admittedly.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Darryl''': Where is this baby everybody keeps talking about? Is it an invisible baby? Am I gonna step on it? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Cole Turner|Cole]]''': ''(voiceover from the letter)''If I'm dead right now, I know it was by your hand. No one else in heaven or hell had power over me. Please don't cry.  I was dead before I met you, I was born the day you loved me, and my love for you will keep me alive. Forever.

=== '' Witch Way Now? '' ===

:'''Angel of Destiny''': You can choose to relinquish your magic and lead normal lives again, unaccounted, free. We'd wipe the entire slate clean. Nobody would come after you again. Well, what do you say?
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': What do we say? Are you kidding? You can't just freeze the whole world and come in here and drop a bombshell like that and expect a quick decision.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Cole Turner|Cole]]''': This is the Wasteland, where all vanquished demons end up. The beast feeds on their essence, their powers.
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': So what are you dong here? 
:'''Cole''': Hanging on to our love.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Okay, in case anyone is wondering, we are officially screwed.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angel of Destiny''': Actually it's because of a demon that I've come to see you, which in and of itself is very rare: we angels of destiny normally don't intervene, except in extraordinary situations: Mozart at age seven, Michelangelo, Albert Einstein... (with clear embarrassment) Britney Spears...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Hey, did you just freeze me?
:'''Piper''': No dear. The Angel of Destiny did.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cole''': I'm a demon with a soul, Phoebe. It's rather unique to the cosmos.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Havin' a crappy day?
:'''Phoebe''': Yeah.
:'''Piper''': Cole?
:'''Phoebe''': Yeah. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angel of Destiny''': By the way, thought you'd like to know, neither decision would've affected yours and Leo's personal destiny.
:'''Piper''': What?
:'''Angel of Destiny''': You'll find out soon.
:'''Phoebe''': Oh my God.
:'''Piper''': What?
:'''Phoebe''': Don't you get it?
:'''Piper''': What?
:'''Phoebe''': Don't you get it? She's pregnant!
:'''Piper''': Who's pregnant? I'm pregnant?
:'''Phoebe''': Hi baby.

== Season 5 ==

=== ''A Witch's Tail, Pt 1'' ===

:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Baby Book. My baby book. Oh, look how squishy I was!
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Hmm, you were so adorable.
:'''Piper''': Leo, you can't even see the picture.
:'''Leo''': I'm your whitelighter, I've been watching you ever since you were a baby.
:'''Piper''': Uh huh. Yeh, see that's too creepy to think about.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mylie''': You have a very big underwater fanbase.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': That's actually the most fun I've seen Phoebe have since Cole died.
:'''Leo''': Which time?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Craig''': Who are you people?
:'''Paige''': Witch.
:'''Leo''': Angel.
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Mermaid.
:'''Paige''': Don't you mean Witch?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper, Phoebe, and Paige''':
::Powers of the witches rise,&lt;br&gt;
::Find a hag who speaks in lies,&lt;br&gt;
::Balance chakras, focus chi,&lt;br&gt;
::Lead us through the cruel, cruel sea.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Leo, she said Tidal Waves. How far do Tidal Waves travel!?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Will you slow down on this magic kick. Look at your hair, it's still red from the potion you blew up last night.
:'''Paige''': Do you have any idea how much this would cost in the salon?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Cole Turner|Cole]]''': Too many people talking at once.
:'''Phoebe''': You see, Cole, this is exactly what I'm talking about. Good people don't turn other people into water coolers!

=== '' A Witch's Tail, Pt 2 ''  ===

:'''[[w:Cole Turner|Cole]]''': Wait, before you say anything.
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Not to say, do, because I'm about to orb your family jewels far, far away.
:'''Cole''': Yeah, that would hurt.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''':
::Locked in, boxed in, full of fear,&lt;br&gt;
::My panic grows manic 'til I can't hear,&lt;br&gt;
::In need of reprieve so that I can breathe&lt;br&gt;
::Remove my fear, please make it leave.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Okay, how?
:'''Piper''': I don't know! Get in touch with your inner fish!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Ouch!
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Sorry I was a medic, not a vet.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Yep, a demon chased her home.
:'''Piper''': Well that was nice of him.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Will someone please get me back to the ocean before i suffocate? i need the water!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''':(About demon) Well,i have to thank him,then kill him.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': You are holding me hostage!
:'''Paige''': Yep looks like it.
:'''Phoebe''': Look I am not a common goldfish. I cannot ignore the call of the sea!
:'''Paige''': Well the call of the common bathtub is just gonna have to do.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Oh please, please. Somebody help me. The mean demon is dipping me into the water and it's really cold. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''':
::Open Phoebe's heart to Cole,&lt;br&gt;
::Reveal the secrets that it holds,&lt;br&gt;
::Bring forth the passion of love's fire,&lt;br&gt;
::That he may feel her true desire.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Okay...I've had enough. Your treatment of me is shocking.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Oh look out Phoebe, he's packing a seashell.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''':
::Tide of evil, washed ashore,&lt;br&gt;
::Bring it's darkness ever more,&lt;br&gt;
::With all our strength we fight this fate,&lt;br&gt;
::Make this evil obliterate.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Shh! Pheobe's doing a news report in there!
:'''Paige''':In the bathroom?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''':Like the power of two and a half
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''':Weve got to do something before she does something stupid like giving Nancy O'Dell a exclusive with Necktron.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''':No,this is not happening. This goes way beyond stalking.

=== '' Happily Ever After ''  ===

:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': I dont want my baby to turn into a guinea pig
&lt;hr width=:50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': And besides, every other mother to be does not have to worry about her child orbing out to Tahiti when they are sent to their room.
&lt;hr width=:50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': You want my advice?
:'''Piper''': Not really.
&lt;hr width=:50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': This is not raging hormones talking! This is a ''very'' special baby, with ''very'' special needs, and I need someone pretty damn special to help me figure it out. And when I say ''now'', I mean ''now''!
:'''[[w:Penelope Halliwell|Grams]]''': Piper!
:'''Piper''': Thank you.
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Don't thank me, I didn't do anything.
:'''Grams''': What am I doing here? And corporeal to boot.
:'''Piper''': What do you mean, didn't you come on your own power?
:'''Grams''': Honey, I'm good, but I'm not that good!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': Oh, my goodness, don't tell me you're already interviewing nannies.
:'''Grams''': Paige. You're even more beautiful than I imagined.
:'''Paige''': And you are?
:'''Grams''': Why, I'm your Grams of course. Come here.
:'''Paige''': No offense, but, uh, aren't you supposed to be dead?
:'''Grams''': Oh, I'm over that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': You expect me to believe that there are giant beanstalks and gingerbread houses that actually existed?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Cole, these boots may be made for walking, but they're never walking back to you,buddy.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''':
::Hear our call,&lt;br&gt;
::For those who fall,&lt;br&gt;
::Purge her to awaken,&lt;br&gt;
::From this toxic taken.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Dead? What do you mean she's dead?
:'''Leo''': Don't worry. The dwarves are all over it.
:'''Phoebe''': The dwarves?
:'''Leo''': Piper cast a spell that wound up summoning the descendents of the seven dwarves. Actually, they prefer to be called little people now.
:'''Phoebe''': Snow White and the Little People?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Head Dwarf''': When's her prince getting here? 
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': She doesn't have a prince. 
:'''Head Dwarf''': No prince? So then who's going to kiss her? 
:'''Dwarf 1''': I'll do it. 
:'''Dwarf 2''': In your dreams Stinky. I'll do it. 
:'''Dwarf 1''': I told you not to call me that. 
:'''Head Dwarf''': People. A little professional decorum here please. Forgive them, it's been a while.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cole''': Leo, he's evil.
:'''Leo''': Really? And what are you?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cole''':Keep your hands off my pumpkin.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Ah, back off Grams. I just saved your ass.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': Can someone please tell me how I got in a coffin?
:'''Grams''':  You were dead, dear. But, on the bright side, at least now we have something in common.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''':  Hey, I'm walking here!
:'''Car Driver''': Get out of the street!

=== '' Siren's Song ''  ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Death did us part, Cole. Just because you figured out a way to come back, doesn't mean that I didn't keep my end of the bargain. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Paige, I don't wanna chat. I got problems here. Geez, you're like my husband with boobs.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Oh my God, I can't believe he's doing the &quot;look at at me I'm a good guy&quot; routine on prime time. Phoebe must be thrilled.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': I'm sure that it's just all this arguing that's got the baby upset.
:'''Piper''': Leo, the baby is an inch long. All this arguing is upsetting the mommy! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Kiss this bitch. ''(She tries to blow her up, but her powers showered her with flowers)'' Ohh, bad baby.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Woman to woman. Cole was the love of my life, and I'm finally learning to live my life without him. Calling him for a favor would open a can of worms that I've worked so hard to close.
:'''Elise''': Woman to woman. If you're still describing this guy as the love of your life, then the can is open, the worms are out, and you may as well use them to go fishing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Okay, vanquish demon first, kill husband later.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Cole Turner|Cole]]''': What? I knocked.
:'''Piper''': Doors. People use doors. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Leo burps and fizzy bubble floats out of his mouth.)''
:'''Cole''': Whoa, what was that?
:'''Piper''': Hey, how did you do that?
:'''Leo''': I don't know but I'm feeling really nauseous.
:'''Piper''': Oh, god, and I'm not. Wait, how, why... Why does he have my pregnancy symptoms?
:'''Cole''': Wait, w-wait, you're pregnant?
:'''Piper''': Well, I was. But, now I think Leo is.
:'''Cole''': Huh?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Hey, are your boobs always this sore?
:''(Piper gives a nervous smile.)''
:'''Cole''': Wait a minute, I'm confused…
:'''Phoebe''': Cole, maybe you should leave.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Okay, here are your crackers, here's a pad and a pen, we need a summoning spell.
:'''Leo''': What, now I'm supposed to rhyme?
:'''Phoebe''': Yeah, no rest for the whiny.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Think what you what, I think my niece is a genius. She did what any good marriage consultant would've done.
:'''Leo''': A good marriage consultant would've swapped our powers?
:'''Phoebe''': No, she would've made you walk a mile in each other's shoes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''': You know, you're a pretty good whitelighter.
:'''Piper''': I learned from the best.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Hey I'm not nauseous anymore.
:'''Piper''': Hey I am! Wait, that's not good news…
:'''Leo''': What about your powers?
:(Piper takes a doughnut, throws it up in the air, and blows it up.)
:'''Piper''': Very nice!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cole''': So, did you get my flowers?
:'''Phoebe''': Yeah. &quot;Sorry I tried to strangle you.&quot; Probably not a card that the florist gets to write every day, huh?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''':Maybe the baby thought that fireworks were prettier than demon guts.
:'''Paige''': Abracadabra!
:'''Phoebe''': Nice job!
:'''Piper''': You did all that with abracadabra?
:'''Paige''': Nah, I used a spell. I just always wanted to say that
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Oh God, not the crying thing.
:'''Piper''': [tearfully] Leo, I have growing powers inside of me, powers that I do not understand and the only person who does understand never has time to talk, add that to raging hormones and I guarantee you I am absolutely entitled to do the crying thing.

=== '' Witches in Tights ''  ===

:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': P3's still doing great. 
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Not as great as it used to be, thanks to me. 
:'''Leo''': Well, Piper, you're having a baby. Your priorities have changed. 
:'''Piper''': Yeah, well, haven't you heard? Women can have careers and babies now. It's been in all the papers. 
:'''Leo''': Well, are those women trying to save the world from demons too?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Having sex.
:'''Piper''': Oh!
:'''Paige''': See this is why I don't want to talk to you about this, it's weird talking to a pregnant lady about sex anyway.
:'''Piper''': Well, Paige, how do you think I got pregnant.
:'''Paige''': Urgh, I don't want to know that either.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': I think I'm so busy protecting this big ol' secret of ours I guess I can't really let my guard down. How'd you do it?
:'''Piper''': Marry an angel.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': I'm pregnant, not terminal.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ramus''': Just because you're an angel doesn't mean you can't kick some ass now and again.

=== '' The Eyes Have It '' ===

:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Well, maybe try a different yoga instructor.
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': It wasn't the instructor, it was all those women showing off their sonogram pictures. And it was just working on my last nerve. Like 'look it's Jasper's first photo and it's gonna go on the fridge in a magnetic frame that says Jasper's first photo!' 
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Okay, I thought prenatal yoga was supposed to help you relax.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': I'm just a big, dumb, fat unemployed loser.
:'''Piper''': No, Paige, you're a big, fat, dumb, unemployed loser who saves the world. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Alright, you guys yell at her, I'm gonna go check with the Elders and see what they know.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Elise''': Dear Phoebe, my career is on the fast track, I'm wildly popular and the money's pretty damn good. What should I do?
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Stop whining.
:'''Elise''': Damn, you are good.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': Uh gross, what are you guys watching? Is that some horror movie?
:'''Piper''': &lt;i&gt;The Joys of Home Birthing.&lt;/i&gt; Strangely I'm not feeling the joy.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Wow pre-natal yoga this morning and now you wanna crash a stranger's funeral. You really do need friends.
:'''Paige''': You're mean.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Well, what happens when they check the security camera to find out why the sonogram machine blew up like it did with Phoebe's baby?
:'''Piper''': Phoebe's baby was a demon, ours is an angel for crying out loud.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': So your new and improved premonitions are just a more vivid way of telling us we're screwed.

=== '' Sympathy for the Demon '' ===

:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Hi! I am off to yoga and then to the salon for a manicure and pedicure. There's a cherry pie cooling on the counter and I will be on my cell.
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Uh uh. Prenatal police lady. Put the mug down, step away from the coffee.
:'''Piper''': It's herbal tea. I'm on a natural high today.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Ah, Jinxed! I should have know this was going to happen. It's the story of my life, when everything is going great something will inevitably happen that will ruin it.
:'''Paige''': A little spider did all that to you?
:'''Piper''': Oh, you just wait, you will see.
:'''[[w:Cole Turner|Cole]]''': Please, you've got to help me.
:'''Piper''': See?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Miles''': Hey, how long were you married?
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Not long, but we were together for two years. The beginning was great it's just the end was, uh...hell.
:'''Miles''': Yeah, I had the same experience with my ex.
:'''Phoebe''': Uh, no, pretty sure you didn't. Well you know 'cause you know every situation is so different.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cole''': I think somebody's trying to drive me crazy.
:'''Phoebe''': Yeah, well, that makes two of us.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Desperate demons call for desperate measures. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': What is wrong with you? Is this Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Piper? Make up your mind, lady.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': We don't need to go looking for trouble. Trouble comes to find us anyway. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': As your whitelighter, I would say go with your instincts.
:'''Paige''': Okay.
:'''Leo''': But as your brother-in-law, going up against your sisters is pure suicide.
:'''Paige''': Great. You really helped clarify this issue. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': What does this Barbas do? What's his thing?
:'''Piper''': He brings really bad things to life.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Okay people, time to get over our fears right now!!
:'''Piper''': Easy for you to say. You're not facing killer spiders!
:'''Phoebe''': Neither are you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Playing on an expectant mother's fears. That was a good one. But not that good. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
:'''Paige''': You're suffocating me.
:'''Phoebe''': Oh, I'm sorry.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Paige, orb the potion.
:'''Paige''': It's in a puddle.
:'''Piper''': You can do it, Prue did.
:'''[[w:Barbas, the Demon of Fear|Barbas]]''': Ay, there's the rub. You're no Prue, are you?

=== '' A Witch in Time ''  ===

:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': He works with numbers all day. You know how Phoebe is with math. They have absolutely nothing in common.
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': You're right. We- we should just vanquish him.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': What is this?! A brothel?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Oh no, they're going upstairs! Should I stop them?
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': No, only if you want to make a total ass of yourself - but that's up to you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Okay, something really freaky happened last night when I was with Miles.
:'''Piper''': You guys are already getting freaky?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Miles''': You saved my life.
:'''Phoebe''': Oh, it was nothing.
:'''Miles''': It was my life.
:'''Phoebe''': Yeah.
:'''Miles''': I should be dead right now.
:'''Phoebe''': Yeh, but you're not. That's good.
:'''Miles''': You saved my life.
:'''Phoebe''': I think we've been over that part.
:'''Miles''': Did I thank you?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Look warlocks we can handle, demonic ex-husbands we cannot. You gotta get out of here before she sees you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Miles''': Your kisses kill me.
:'''Phoebe''': Right back at ya.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Too many spells and potions to remember, let alone defend against.
:'''Phoebe''': We're dead.
:'''Piper''': Again.
:'''Paige''': And again.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Honey?
:'''Leo''': Yeah?
:'''Piper''': Zip it. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Baccarra''': And then there were none.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': How long have you guys been standing there?
:'''Paige''': Long enough to know you've got some serious 80's dance moves!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Well...let's just say i had a little premonition of my own!

=== '' Sam I Am '' ===

:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': I gotta go home 'cos I gotta interview magical nannies tomorrow and I gotta prepare.
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Magical nannies...you mean like Mary Poppins?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': You're getting your first charge.
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Are you serious?
:'''Leo''': Yeah, well the Elders aren't exactly known for their sense of humor. 
:'''Paige''': That is so great. I am now Paige Matthews, whitelighter-witch... I'm a hyphenate.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Last night two guys held up a bar and a vigilante killed them.
:'''Paige''': That sounds more like you need an arrest warrant, not a potion
:'''Phoebe''': Not when the vigilate is tall, dark and handsome and can send people flying with the wave of a hand.
:'''Piper''': Well, that doens't mean it's Cole.
:'''Phoebe''': Did I forget to mention the scorch marks?
:'''Piper''': That means it's Cole!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': If this is where I was supposed to find my charge, you might have told me not to wear my Jimmy Choos.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam Wilder|Sam]]''': A little advice, you need to work up a cover. Didn't you read the whitelighter manual?
:'''Paige''': There's a manual?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Is that who I think it is?
:'''Phoebe''': Mom's whitelighter.
:'''Piper''': And Paige's father.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': The Elders sent me to protect someone without telling me who he was.
:'''Piper''': I'd say that's a bit of an understatement.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': You knew about this supernatural Jenny Jones reunion, didn't you?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': I want him dead. I want this over with. And if this doesn't work, we might not get a second chance.
:'''Piper''': Got it. Kill him. Dead.

=== '' Y Tu Mummy Tambien ''  ===

:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Everything is so bright and cheery and ''ruffly''.
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Your pants stopped fitting you.
:'''Piper''': Well, I could have gone up a size or two. I don't have to resort to maternity clothes. I just feel so-
:'''Saleslady''': Adorable! I think it's you.
:'''Piper''': Obviously, you don't know me very well. Look, do you have anything that will go with combat boots? Ya know, something for the mom-to-be who kicks some ass upon occasion? You know something in black. Or gray.
:''' Saleslady''': ... I'll go check.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Are you telling me she's going to evict somebody from their own body? That's rude! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''':
::Scrying secrets come to me,&lt;br&gt;
::Drop again so I might see.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Cole Turner|Cole]]''': ''(makes guillotine appear)'' I can't wait to see how I survive this. Oh, can't you at least let me not die in peace?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jeric''': Glad to see you're feeling so alive.
:'''Isis''': (as [[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]) It's this body. I've never felt so much power before, passion, desire.
:'''Jeric''': Maybe I should leave you two alone.
:'''Isis''': (as [[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]) No. Just because the witch is in me doesn't mean there's not enough room for you too.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': So what? I'm unbreakable, dude.
:'''Paige''': Dude, I'm not.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': I can't handle this right now.
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': What? I told you I was going to have to break a few rules.
:'''Piper''': No, no, no. You don't understand, this is the least of our problems. Which ought to give you and idea how bad our problems actually are!
:'''Leo''': Come on, it can't be that bad.
:'''Piper''': Unless I am mistaken, Cole has teamed up with Jerich and tricked me into getting Paige possessed and Phoebe mummified.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': I'm not gonna leave my sisters in Egypt with two demonic perverts!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': How can you be so evil?
:'''Cole''': It's a gift.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''':
::Two warring souls not burn inside,&lt;br&gt;
::Where only one can reside,&lt;br&gt;
::I call upon the power of three,&lt;br&gt;
::To save her body and set Paige free.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': We're just playing hookie.
:'''Piper''': Well Paige, you can't play hookie, cos see, you're unemployed.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': What's the matter with your neck? 
:'''Paige''': It's this cramp, I've had it for a couple of days now. 
:'''Piper''': Well, why don't you get a massage? 
:''(Piper looks through a rack of clothes.)''
:'''Paige''': Oh, yeah, I'll pencil that in. Right between vanquishing demons and training to be your midwife. (Piper holds up an ugly pale pink dress.) No.  
:''(Piper puts the dress back.) ''
:'''Piper''': Well, A, I don't need midwives because I'm delivering with a doctor not sisters. And B, you need to start taking care of yourself because you've actually been working harder than when you were working. 
:'''Paige''': Yeah, well, someone has to pick up the slack, especially with hermit lady just laying around the house. 
:'''Piper''': The hermit lady?
:'''Paige''': Yeah, Phoebe? Have you noticed she hasn't left the house in weeks. 
:'''Piper''': What do you mean? She leaves the house every morning. 
:'''Paige''': No, she leaves the house to go to work. I can understand wanting a break from guys, but come on already, she's gonna wear out the batteries. 
:'''Piper''': Ah, Paige! 
:''(Paige's phone rings, she answers it)''
:'''Paige''': Hi Phoebe. We were just talking about you.  
:'''Piper''': And your batteries.

=== '' The Importance of Being Phoebe ''  ===

:'''Health Inspector''': Rats, too.
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': No! No, we don't ''have'' rats! Wait, they don't live here! They're just...they're just trying to ruin my life!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(loudly barges in Cole's office)''
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': You slimy, son-of-a-bitch!
:'''[[w:Cole Turner|Cole]]''': Phoebe, is that you?
:'''Phoebe''': What are you, evil ''and'' blind? Yeah, it's me! Look, why don't you just admit you're behind this? Admit it, so I can use magic to fight you!
:'''Cole''': I don't know, uh, I don't know what you're talking about.
:'''Phoebe''': Look, Cole, my career is ''the'' most important thing to me. Okay, so is that your plan? To take it away from me, so that I-I come ''running'' to you for comfort?
:'''Cole''': Phoebe, I love you, and I don't know what's going on... but, maybe I can help... Would you like me to kill someone for you... your-your boss, perhaps?
:''(Phoebe angrily starts throwing the papers on his desks up.)''
:'''Cole''': Hey, hey, hey, hey! HEY!
:'''Phoebe''': I might not be able to use magic, but...
:'''Cole''': You're ''sexy'' when you're mad, you know. I can't wait until I get to kiss you again.
:'''Phoebe''': Cole, I will never be with you again. I hate you. I - hate - you. Do you get that?
:'''Cole''': Hate is good. It's passionate, intense. It's-it's... it's a breath away from ''love''.
:''(Phoebe laughs and stops abruptly, quickly leaving the room.)''
:'''Cole''': Ahh... she's great.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': I say we go back in there and pull her out by her hair!
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': No, no, we can't make a scene. We need a plan.
:'''Piper''': Ok, here it is. We go home...we vomit...
:'''Paige''': And?
:'''Piper''': That's all I got so far.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': Leo, we saw Phoebe and Cole's tongues locked, hands groping all over each other. 
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Ok, didn't need the visual. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Okay, this just can ''not'' be happening, people. I mean, Phoebe would not ''do'' this to us. I mean, it cannot, ''cannot'' be happening.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Okay, well, maybe she's under a spell... or-or maybe there were some information that she wanted and she was using sex as a tool?
:'''Piper''': Okay, I like the sound of that. Sluttly and manipulative. That's better than evil any day.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Alright, don't call me sweetie. You can't hold a person prisoner and then call them sweetie.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''':
::This witches power cannot fight,&lt;br&gt;
::The lure of evil's magic might,&lt;br&gt;
::Before misuse lands her in hell,&lt;br&gt;
::Remove the powers of Phoebe Halliwell.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kaia''': (as Phoebe) Knife in the panty drawer...my kind of girl!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kaia''': (as Phoebe) You don't deserve him.
:'''Phoebe''': How many times do I have to tell you that I don't want him!

=== '' Centennial Charmed ''  ===

:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': ''(after leaping into Leo and exploding him)'' Ha! Now THAT is a vanquish!
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': ''(reappears)'' Damn it, Paige! I would appreciate it if you didn't practise on me, I may be dead but it STILL HURTS!
:'''Paige''': I am sorry, Leo, but I think I came up with the perfect way to vanquish Cole! I kept thinking 'What is it that makes him so indestructible?' and then I thought 'It's his protection shield!' so I came up with a potion that makes me invisible long enough so I can get past it, say a spell and blow him up from the ''inside''!
:'''Leo''': Firstly, congratulations, cool potion.
:'''Paige''': Thank you! ''(she curties)''
:'''Leo''': Secondly, it will ''never work''.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': What about water birth, can we do that at home?
:'''Eva''': Yeah, we could rent a tub.
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': What am I, a dolphin? I'm not giving birth to fish!
:'''Leo''': Well, actually dolphins aren't fish, they're mammals.
:'''Piper''': Shut up!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lazarus Demon''': Go to hell.
:'''Piper''': I'm already there.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': And you, you're not La Femme Nikita, you're a Charmed One. Yeah, you don't mind kicking ass when you have to, but otherwise you'd rather be hanging out with your sisters, baking cookies, or knitting booties.
:'''Piper''': Knitting booties? Clearly you don't know me at all.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': So you say the club is still successful in this... 'alleged' other reality of yours?
:'''Paige''': It's not alleged, it's real. And it's... really good.
:'''Piper''': Oh yeah, am I a millionaire?
:'''Paige''': ''(smiles a bit)'' No, not ''that'' good.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Well, how pregnant am I, exactly?
:'''Paige''': Phoebe and I are practising to be your midwives as we speak. We're preparing for the big home birth!
:'''Piper''': Home birth, you're nuts, I'd ''never'' agree to that, I - I wouldn't give birth unless it was in a hospital-!
:'''Paige''': Yeah, yeah, you keep saying the same thing in ''any'' reality. Hey, who else but a sister would know that?
:'''Piper''': ''(looking tearful]'' We must be pretty close then, the three of us.
:'''Paige''': ''(she nods, also fighting back tears)''
:'''Piper''': Like Phoebe and I were with Prue...
:'''Paige''': Yep, close enough to have avenged Prue's death together.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Did you guys try to vanquish Belthazor ever?
:'''Paige''': No, but you and Prue almost tried! You guys had a vanquishing potion, right?
:'''Piper''': How do you know that...?
:'''Paige''': Book of Shadows. Also says that it needs a piece of his flesh to make it work.
:'''Leo''': That's right, it did.
:'''Piper''': ''(she looks at him, then at Paige)'' All right then. ''(takes out a dagger)'' Let's go hunting.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Cole walks in on Phoebe and another demon kissing)''
:'''Demon''': Sorry, my liege. But I thought... I didn't think...
:''(Before he can finish, Cole vanquishes him with an energy ball)''
:'''Phoebe''': ''(infuriated)'' Are you ''kidding'' me? What did you do that for?!
:'''[[w:Cole Turner|Cole]]''': What'd I do what for? You're in here screwing some guy, I'm supposed to ignore it? You're my WIFE, goddamn it!
:'''Phoebe''': ''(disgusted)'' Oh, you have ''got'' to be kidding me.  After all this time now you're playing the aggrieved husband?!
:'''Cole''': ''(flings the contents of her vanity table on the floor)'' You DON'T UNDERSTAND! IT'S ALL WRONG! It's not the way it's meant to be here!
:'''Phoebe''': ''(shocked)'' Okay - it's okay, relax...
:'''Cole''': ''(almost hysterical)'' This is all messed up! How'd it get messed up? You have no idea what I've given up for you!
:'''Phoebe''': ''(she gapes at him)'' Wh-what about what ''I've'' given up, Cole? I've given up my family, my heritage, my ''life!''
:'''Cole''': Oh yeah, from where I'm standing, it looks like you have a pretty damn good life to me!
:'''Phoebe''': Look, the only one getting anything out of this is ''you.'' And I have ''no idea'' what that is. The only reason I'm still here is to make sure that what happened to Prue does not happen to Piper, and you know it!
:'''Cole''': ''(despairing)'' What happened to us, Phoebe? How'd we get here? We used to be so in love! Even without your sisters, it's not working... Why?
:'''Phoebe''': ''(regretful)'' I don't know... Maybe it just wasn't meant to be.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cole''': ''(stares as Piper appears)'' What are you doing here?
:'''Piper''': Saving my sister. ''(she blasts Cole into the wall)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cole''': ''(looking up from the floor, he sees Paige standing there)'' ''You!''
:'''Paige''': Surprise! ''(she runs forward and slices a piece of skin from his hand with Piper's dagger)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Cole punches Phoebe to the ground)''
:'''Cole''': GO! Go get her sisters, they just attacked me!
:'''Demon''': Sisters? You mean there's another?!
:'''Cole''': Yes, damn it! Get 'em and kill 'em on sight!
:'''Phoebe''': Paige was telling the truth...?
:'''Cole''': I didn't go through all this to lose you, Phoebe. If I'm going down, you're going down with me!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Paige, Leo and Piper sneak into the mansion to try and kill Cole. They peer around the corner into the entry hall.)''
:'''Paige''': Anything? 
:'''Piper''': No.
:'''Paige''': 'Kay. Come on!
:''(They creep into the entry hall past the stairs.)''
:'''Phoebe''': ''(running down the stairs)'' What are you guys doing here? You have to leave, now!
:'''Piper''': Where's Cole?
:'''Cole''': ''(surprising them)'' Right here. ''(he throws an energy ball, sending them crashing against the wall)''
:'''Phoebe''': No! ''(she kneels by them while Cole telekinetically draws the vanquishing potion into his hand)'' What did you do to them?!
:'''Cole''': Exactly what they were gonna do to me. ''(he and Paige glare at each other)''
:'''Paige''': ''(taking Piper's wrist)'' She's still alive, grab her hand!
:'''Phoebe''': ''(bewildered)'' What?
:'''Cole''': I don't know how you got here, Paige, but if it's any consolation, I know exactly where I'm gonna bury you. Right next to yourself.
:'''Paige''': ''(she glares at him and then looks at Phoebe)'' Grab her hand!
:''(As Phoebe does so, the chandelier shimmers and covers the three of them in a white light. Cole throws another energy ball, but it bounces off the light.)''
:'''Phoebe''': ''(standing up)'' The Power of Three.
:'''Paige''': ''(also standing'' That's us. Potion! ''(her powers activated, the potion orbs from Cole's hand to hers)'' I do hate long goodbyes.  
:''(Paige draws her hand back to throw the potion, but Phoebe grabs her hand at the last minute)''
:'''Phoebe''': No! ''(she takes the potion out of Paige's hand)''
:'''Paige''': Phoebe, are you crazy?  Throw it before he shimmers out!
:'''Cole''': She's not gonna throw it.  Are you?
:''(Phoebe holds the potion in her hand and stares Cole down)''
:'''Paige''': Throw the potion.
:'''Cole''': We've been through so much together, haven't we? Our love's so strong, nothing can destroy it, not even this. We're meant to be together.
:'''Phoebe''': I don't think so. 
:''(She throws the potion. Screaming, Cole burns up from the inside and blows up.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': I'm telling you, he's gone. For good.
:'''Phoebe''': Yeah, that's what we thought last time.
:'''Piper''': And the time before that.
:'''Paige''': Cole's not coming back...ever.

=== '' House Call ''  ===

:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Alright, Sally, go meet Harry.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''':
::Free us of the ties that bind,&lt;br&gt;
::Of evil magic intertwined,&lt;br&gt;
::We call upon the one who cures,&lt;br&gt;
::He who's to the Dark inured.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Witchdoctor''': Now where's the evil?
:'''Piper''': Oh, here, there, everywhere.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Witchdoctor''': Ever vanquished a demon in this house?
:'''Phoebe''': Oh, only about a hundred.
:'''Piper''': Give or take..
:'''Phoebe''': Another hundred.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glen''': Hurt, why? Wait, you thought you and I...
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': No! no. I didn't think that at all
:'''Jessica''': Glen, the minister's waiting
:'''Glen''': You okay?
:'''Paige''': I'm fine. Jessica, I wanted to apologise for not being very friendly earlier, I really am sorry.
:'''Jessica''': Thank you, thanks for saying that.
:'''Paige''': I just don't understand what Glen's doing with such a blonde bimbette!
:'''Jessica &amp; Glen''': What?!
:'''Paige''': And really, who's the surgeon who does those boobs, because they are fantastic, I should get the number for a friend of mine.
:'''Glen''': Paige, what the hell is wrong with you?
:'''Paige''': Me? Well nothing's wrong with me, I'm not the one marrying the wrong woman!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Spencer Ricks''': If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen baby. Oh wait, that's a woman's place, isn't it? So then you wouldn't have anywhere to go, would you?
:'''Phoebe''': You know what? You are a turkey. And turkeys don't write columns. (''She turns him into a turkey'') But they do make delicious dinners.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': A little help here.
:'''Piper''': What are you doing with that thing?
:'''Phoebe''': Well, first I'm going to kill it and then I'm going to stuff it.
:'''Piper''': You are not bringing that filthy thing in the house.
:'''Phoebe''': Oh, yes I am. Thanksgiving is early this year. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': Listen, Piper, you can't just vanquish an entire house. Especially not our house! People are gonna notice.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Yeah, actually. Take her to the attic and keep her away from that turkey.
:'''Phoebe''': Yeah, take me to the turkey.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': Talk about premature jubilation. You guys really ought to talk to a doctor about that.

=== '' Sand Francisco Dreamin' ''  ===

:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Now that you mention it, I have seen my share of a certain finger while I was driving over here.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': Besides, everybody is odd in San Francisco. That's why we fit in so well! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Why would a demon be interested in killing people's dreams? I mean, they're just harmless erotic fun.
:'''Paige''': Did you say erotic?
:'''Piper''': ''(loudly)'' Exotic! I said exotic!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dream-clown''': Who's the clown?
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Who's the fox?
:'''Dream-guy''': I'm Piper's dream lover.
:'''Piper''': Oh! Oh no! Listen we've never slept together in the dream, world, place... 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': It doesn't take a shrink to figure out Piper's dreams. You wanna screw somebody else.
:'''Piper''': Well at least he makes me feel sexy and not like some walking incubator. Although I guess that's what you've been dreaming about.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''': What about me!
:'''Piper''': Honey, we've got our own dreams to deal with, and the tracer. We'll deal with your Mr. Mom issues later.

=== '' The Day the Magic Died ''  ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': I thought you said you tied them up.
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': I did, but the little flockers got loose. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Okay, Paige, while unicorns may be very magical and cool, I'm not so sure it's appropriate for a baby. Have you seen those hooves? And how are we gonna baby proof that horn?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''':You take the magical farm animals and put them in the basement
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''':You're Spanish...Andale!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''':
::Take this beast,&lt;br&gt;
::Before I end her,&lt;br&gt;
::Ship her back,&lt;br&gt;
::Return to sender.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stanley''': My name will haunt you to your grave! 
:'''Phoebe''': What was his name again?
:'''Paige''': I don't remember. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(dragging Standley's body)''
:'''Paige''': Mmmm! Come on dead guy!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cronyn''': I hate good magic...fairy tales, wishes on stars, and children who believe in Santa Claus. Mortals don't know it exists, but magic infuses all their hopes and dreams.
:'''Paige''': Stand back. I think he's gonna break out in song.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cronyn''': Magic must be saved. And it's up to us.
:'''Paige''': Us? We're us. You're them. We don't help thems. Sorry. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cronyn''': My cell phone's on the back in case your sister changes her mind.
:'''Phoebe''': Cronyn, huh? Since when do sorcerers have cell phones?
:'''Cronyn''': You think that's bad? I've got a taxi waiting out front. Call me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Yeah, but I kinda liked his whole 'world without magic' speech. Very Capra.
:'''Paige''': It was pure Crapa.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Doris''': Oh, girls, I just wanted to let you know how I feel about your father. I.. I just feel so, so lucky. He's the most special man I've ever met.
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Thank you.
:'''Phoebe''': That's the sweetest thing you could ever say to us.
:'''Doris''': Well it's true, you know. He's so.. he's so kind and he's so sensitive and.. oh, he's the most exciting lover. I mean, girlfriends, he can go all night!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': These were mine, and now will be yours. Chain-mail top, from my club days. Steel-toed boots, from my mosh pit days. Handcuffs, from last Friday.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Okay, well it's really nothing to worry about. Magic has disappeared from the world and Phoebe and Paige went to have a summit meeting with evil so they could fix it. See, nothing to worry about.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Step aside, bitch.
:'''Paige''': Yeah, that's our job.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''':Phoebe, if you ''love'' me, ''you will send this crazy bastard straight to hell''!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''':
::Beast of legend, myth and lore,&lt;br&gt;
::Give my words the power to soar,&lt;br&gt;
::And kill this evil evermore.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': Is that what I think it is?
:'''Phoebe''': Uh, if you're referring to Mr. Winky, between the legs, yes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Woa what'd I miss?
:'''Piper''': A LOT!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Ok, breathe. Keep breathing, keep breathing. Don't forget to breathe. Very good! Relax. Relax.
:'''Piper''': Dad!
:'''[[w:Victor Bennett|Victor]]''': Yeah, honey?
:'''Piper''': I'm sorry about your demon wife.
:'''Victor''': Oh, hush. Don't think about that.
:'''Leo''': I'm right here, baby.
:'''Phoebe''': You okay? You okay? Ok, you're doing great. You're doing great. Push, okay? Last push.
:'''Piper''': I can't.
:'''Phoebe''': You have to. A big one. Big one! Push!
:'''Leo''': You can do it.
:'''Piper''': I can't.
:'''Phoebe''': You can. You can.
:'''Paige''': Yes, you can.
:'''Phoebe''': You're gonna be okay. Push. Push! Push!
:'''Paige''': Oh, I think the magic is coming back.
:'''Phoebe''': Here we go. Here we go! Oh, I see a shoulder. And another shoulder. And an arm, another arm. Oh, and something else. Something else.
:'''Piper''': What? What?
:'''Phoebe''': Hi, baby. Hi. Okay. Okay. Look!
:'''Paige''': Oh. Is that what I think it is?
:'''Leo''': You mean, I got a boy?
:'''Phoebe''': Here you go, mama.
:'''Piper''': Hi. Hi, little guy. What are you doing? Look what we did.
:'''Leo''': I see.
:'''Paige''': It's a miracle.
:'''Piper''': A little miracle.
:'''Phoebe''': He's beautiful. 
:'''Piper''':Oh. You are safe, you are loved, and you are wise.

=== '' Baby's First Demon ''  ===

:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''':They knew about the forcefield.They almost flew him outta the window.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Pheobe Halliwell|Pheobe]]''':Can't they have maternity leaves for new aunties??
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''':Hey! Hes just a baby! He's small and little and...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': I'm still having trouble letting go of the name we settled on.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50&quot;&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Yeah well, Prudence Melinda might get him in trouble at school.
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': I'm thinking that's probably true, although he could just zap them onto a roof like Harry Potter would or something.
:'''Piper''': After seeing what the kid can do inside the womb, he's no Muggle. 
:'''Phoebe''': Hey, what about Potter? Potter Halliwell? Or is it Wyatt?
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': No, it's definitely Halliwell. Demons fear it, good magic respects it, and I want what's best for him. That's why I'm going to say no to Potter.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': The demons saw the forcefield, they're gonna try and find a way around it.
:'''Paige''': Well unless they can get up to Elderland, he's gonna be fine.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Magical goods? My baby is a &quot;magical good?&quot; That is just sick and twisted.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''': How'd it go with the new boss?
:'''Phoebe''': Oh, Jason Dean? I want to bear his children, but that's besides the point.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Even if he can handle the demons, he must sense the tension, which means at the very best we end up with a neurotic infant.
:'''Leo''': Look on the bright side... growing up with your sisters, he was bound to be neurotic anyway.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': I don't have the luxury of being careful now that half of Demonville is after our child.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Parasite demon''': Who are you?
:'''Piper''': I'm the mother.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': It's just so hard to leave. It's so hard to make Phoebe leave.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Oh...I could just eat your little face...
:'''Piper''': Phoeb? After the parasites that ''did'' actually kinda want to eat him...not so cute.
:'''Phoebe''': Gotcha! Oooh, I could smush you! Oooh, I could just smush your little face!
:'''Piper''': Much better.
:'''Paige''': Is that his new name? Smush Face Halliwell?
:'''Leo''': 'S about as good as everything else we've come up with.
:'''Phoebe''': No new ideas, huh?
:'''Piper''': Actually-
:'''Leo''': No, we've been so busy with the alarm and the demon fighting and the ''sister saving''. ''(he looks at Paige)''
:'''Paige''': Sorry...
:'''Piper''': Oh, don't be sorry, Paige, you were brave! And you inspired me to fight and you made the world a safer place for our baby... which is why I would like to give the baby the middle name of Matthew, in honor of his super-protective Aunt Paige.
:'''Phoebe''': I think that's a great idea.
:'''Piper''': ''(looks at Leo)'' What do you think?
:'''Leo''': ''(he smiles)'' Yeah.
:'''Paige''': ''(touched)'' Thanks.
:'''Piper''': And I also have an idea for his first name! Wyatt, in honor of his very protective daddy.
:'''Leo''': ''(stunned but happy)'' Really? It doesn't begin with a 'P'...
:'''Piper''': Well, so we break with tradition.

=== '' Lucky Charmed ''  ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': My date is a demon!
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Huh? What? That guy? But he's so hot.
:'''Phoebe''': Yeah. Hot as in flames of hell hot. Look, I had a premonition. He devours his victims. I'm next. Freeze the room.
:'''Piper''': Uhh! My sister, the demon magnet. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': I have to get back to going bankrupt. Actually, scratch that. I have to get back to fighting with my husband.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Freaking ever useless Elders!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Okay, look, I can schedule in five minutes for a sisterly chat, but then I gotta go.
:'''Phoebe''': I cannot schedule in sisterly chat.
:'''Piper''': I'm telling you. You got 4 minutes and 55 seconds.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': My sweater shrunk.
:'''Piper''': Ah, come on, you've worn tighter things than that. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Hello, have you forgotten about the big-boob fiasco??
:'''Paige''': No, my back still hurts.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''':
::Finances have run amok,&lt;br&gt;
::Creditors I soon must duck,&lt;br&gt;
::I cast this spell to find good luck,&lt;br&gt;
::And hope my life will cease to suck.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Seamus''': What is this, a coven or a day-care center?! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Neil Giraldo''': Hey, how ya been Seamus? It's been a long time.
:'''Seamus''': Don't even try it Neil, I already hit you with my best shot, that's all you get.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': No, actually...nothing happened.
:'''Seamus''': What? That's impossible. Did you take any risks? Get lucky with that fella?
:'''Piper''': What 'fella'?
:'''Phoebe''': I think he's talking about Jason. And no! I did not get luck with Jason... Not that I'd want to anyway...
:'''Seamus''': Hmm... So the burned child dreads the fire, eh?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': My bruises have bruises.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Saleel''': The Charmed Ones. It's about time you got here
:'''Phoebe''': Yeah, well, we had to make a little pit stop somewhere over the rainbow.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''' (''while trying to hand the red-haired leprechaun Seamus's staff'') Here. I think, this belongs to you.
:'''Red-Haired Leprechaun''': Actually, darlin', I think Seamus wants you to keep this. For all you done for us, for savin' our kind.
:'''Paige''': Aw, you guys kinda did that yourselves. It was your luck, after all.
:'''Red-Haired Leprechaun''': Ha hay, but it was your fighting spirit that sparked it. The same spirit Seamus had.
:'''Paige''': I wish I could, accept that, compliment, but… I was just looking to be reimbursed, to tell you the truth. I felt like… magic owed me.
:'''Red-Haired Leprechaun''': And you still feel that way?
:'''Paige''': No. I don't.
:'''Red-Haired Leprechaun''': Doesn't matter what brings a person; only what they leave with.

=== '' Cat House '' ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': She was engaged to a warlock.
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Dan was a warlock?
:'''Phoebe''': Oh no, before Dan. Way before Dan. Two bankers, a rock climber and a ghost before Dan. And actually the ghost was the best of the bunch.
:'''Paige''': See, now that's what I call critical sisterly information. How am I meant to be petty and judgemental without all the info.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Piper, what are you doing? You can't freeze the shrink, we're on the clock!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''':
::Let the truth be told,&lt;br&gt;
::Let our lives unfold,&lt;br&gt;
::So we can relive our memories,&lt;br&gt;
::And stop being enemies.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': I was under a spell. Evil
:'''Paige''': Evil? You were blonde! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Wait a minute. You just said something.
:'''Paige''': I did? Was it smart?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''': I work, she says I'm never around. I quit my job, she says I'm around too much.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': We did learn that we have some issues to work on. Like somebody need to get a life first.
:'''Leo''': And one of us needs to be wife first.
:'''Phoebe''': Oh, easy on the rhyming. No more spells.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Are you sure I can't get you anything? Coffee? Tea? A saucer of milk?
:'''Phoebe''': Very funny.
:'''Paige''': A little funny.
:'''Katrina/Kit''': No, I'm fine. Although, I wouldn't mind some kibble. If you've got any.
:''(Katrina holds a serious expression while Piper stares at her with disbelief. She finally breaks into a smile.)''
:'''Piper''': That's not funny.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''':  Yeah, by the way, what was with the scratching of my bedpost? What was that?
:'''Katrina/Kit''': I had to keep my nails sharp.
:'''Piper''': Yeah, see, that's just very creepy.

=== '' Nymphs Just Wanna Have Fun ''  ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': I did something really bad! I slept with my boss!
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Jason!?
:'''Phoebe''': No Elise...yes of course Jason! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': You color-coded the Book of Shadows?
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Uh huh.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': We need Phoebe!
:'''Phoebe''': Hello?
:'''Piper''': Ask and you shall receive!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': Vanquishing demons is not a sport, Piper.
:'''Piper''': It is if you're good at it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Miranda''': You know, Paige, we think that you need to get back to your...
:'''Miranda &amp; Daisy''': Wild side!
:'''Paige''': Girls, you might just have a point.
:'''Daisy''': You're right, she is the one.
:''[They giggle and dance around her.]''
:'''Paige''': The one for what?
:''[They stand on either side of Paige and kiss her cheeks. She instantly changes into a nymph, with really long hair and wearing a green dress.]''
:'''Miranda''': The one to help us find our new Satyr.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jason''': Isn't that your sister?
:'''Phoebe''': Yeah...Paige!
:'''Jason''': She's one of the Godiva girls?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Well thanks to me, my paper's going to get an exclusive on her because I slept with Jason!
:'''Piper''': Oh good, so this is all your fault then?
:'''Phoebe''': Uh huh.
:'''Piper''': Perfect.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Are we back to blaming you again?
:'''Piper''': Yep.
:'''Phoebe''': Just checking.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''':
::Changing seasons, changes all,&lt;br&gt;
::Life renews as creation calls,&lt;br&gt;
:'''Piper''':
::Nothing is immune, everything transmutes,&lt;br&gt;
::So take this demon and give him roots.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': He is so innocent. If only he had any idea what Mommy and Auntie Paige did today.
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': They turned a very bad man into a very big tree.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Rock on.
:'''Piper''': Don't do that.
:'''Leo''': Rock on.
:'''Piper''': Give it up man.

=== '' Sense and Sense Ability ''  ===

:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': I'm telling you, it's not gonna fit. Nothing fits anymore and if he keeps growing at this rate, we're gonna have to send him off to college by next week

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Oh my God! Piper, you're blind!
:'''Piper''': Yeah, Phoebe, I just said that, now could we talk about how a monkey could do that.
:'''Phoebe''': What did she say?
:'''Piper''': What did who say? The monkey? The monkey didn't say anything, he covered my eyes and stole my eyesight.
:'''Phoebe''': I think the monkey stole your eyesight when he covered your eyes!
:'''Piper''': Ugh, Phoebe, are you listening to me? That's just what I said.. ugh, you are acting like you can't even hear me.
:'''Phoebe''': Oh Piper it's no use, I can't even hear you. The monkey stoled my hearing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Alright, speak and spell.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': You killed Aunt Pearl's couch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Ooh, you're an angry monkey. Ooh, you're pissed! You're...PMS monkey? ''[Paige looks at her oddly]'' No, no, of course not...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': What about Leo?
:'''Phoebe''': Oh no, did I kill the hag too soon?
:'''Piper''': Oh, if she hurt him, you know, I'm going to have to revive her and kill her again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Everything okay?
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Better than okay. I am gonna have a love life. 
:'''Phoebe''': You're making a love potion?
:'''Paige''': No, I'm making a stun potion.
:'''Piper''': So that lovers will be stunned by you?
:'''Paige''': No, so that Kazis will be stunned by me. 
:'''Phoebe''': You're in love with a Kazi demon'?
:'''Paige:''' ''[sighing exasperatedly]'' Stay with me, people.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Paige points to her ear]''
:'''Phoebe''': You hear something? ''[Paige nods and makes a talking motion with her hand]'' You hear puppets?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe:''' ''[to Paige]'' You lost your voice when you were trying to sing to him? That is ''so romantic''! And humiliating. Yeah, I see your point...

===''Necromancing the Stone''===
{{see also|necromancing}}

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Your grandmother is just going to eat you up when she meets you. But no spitting up. And none of that toxic poop you do sometimes. Grams hasn't been around babies since she was alive.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Grams... meet the next generation of Halliwells. ''(she gives Grams the baby)'' Baby Wyatt!
:'''[[w:Penny Halliwell|Grams]]''': Wyatt? ''(she laughs)'' That's a silly name for a girl, isn't it?
:'''Phoebe''': Grams! It's a boy! ''(her grandmother stares at her)'' Look at the outfit!
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': ''(in disbelief)'' You didn't know?
:'''Grams''': Well, no, I - I just assumed it was a... what went wrong?
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': ''(offended)'' Wrong?
:'''Grams''': ''(backtracking)'' Oh well, I don't mean 'wrong' wrong, it's just that we've... ''(staring at Wyatt with some mistrust)'' always had... girls.
:'''Piper''': ''(determinedly upbeat)'' And now we have a boy!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grams''': Now they'd be better off with a dog. More loyal and they die sooner.
:'''Leo''': Excuse me?
:'''Grams''': Oh... ''(chuckles)'' Don't mind me. You know, I never have very much luck with men.
:'''Leo''': But you've been married four times.
:'''Grams:''' Exactly.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''': ''(talking to Wyatt as Piper and Grams go upstairs)'' Now you know why we don't summon her more often... yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nate''': I always sorta thought this stuff was real, you know, I just didn't really know it was really real. Oh my God, my wife is going to love this!
:'''Paige''': Excuse me?
:'''Nate''': Did I just say wife?
:'''Paige''': You're married? You never told me you were married.
:'''Nate''': I didn't tell you that I had children either, but...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grams''': And, you know, men are just so...
:'''Paige''': Evil! That's what they are. They are just plain evil.
:'''Piper''': Oh. I take it Nate wasn't too happy about you being a witch.
:'''Paige''': Oh, Nate was fine with my being a witch. It's maybe his wife that would have had a problem.
:'''Piper''': He's married?
:'''Paige''': Yeah. With two kids.
:'''Piper''': Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
:'''Grams''': I told you she should have gotten a dog. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Necromancer''': Penny!
:'''Piper''': Penny?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': What's going on here?
:'''Piper''': Your grandmother hates her grandson. That's what's going on.
:'''Grams''': That's not true.
:'''Piper''': Oh, I'm sorry, you just hate men, is that correct?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': Ghosts can still feel pain. Maybe I can just orb his testicles somewhere.
:'''Piper''': Paige there will be no talk of testicle orbing in front of the child
:'''Leo''': Not around his daddy either.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Grams was alive when she banished the Necromancer, right?
:'''Phoebe''': Right.
:'''Piper''': Okay, well, now she's dead!
:'''Paige''': You sound so happy about that. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grams''':
::I call forth from space and time,&lt;br&gt;
::Matriarchs from the Halliwell line,&lt;br&gt;
::Mothers, daughters, sisters, friends,&lt;br&gt;
::Our families spirit without end,&lt;br&gt;
::To gather now in this sacred place,&lt;br&gt;
::And help us bring this child to grace.

=== '' Oh My Goddess, Pt 1 ''===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Well my boyfriend moved to Hong Kong, I'm thoroughly depressed, but I still managed to sign up six people. and you have?
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': I have none people.
:'''Phoebe''': Hmm. None people.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': You and Leo are back in the saddle?
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': So to speak..
:'''Phoebe''': Yay you! God I miss sex!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': I'd rather just snipe later than be honest and open about my feelings now.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': I'm all over him.. it! I mean it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': Did you get anything?
:'''Phoebe''': Yeah, frost bite. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Friend or foe?
:'''Phoebe''': Not so sure yet.
:'''[[w:Chris Halliwell|Chris]]''': What do you mean? I saved Paige, didn't I?
:'''Phoebe''': Oh, you call that saving, do you?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Ooh check out the size of that Oracle's...ball.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': I'm going to go see what Future Boy is up to.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': What are you doing?
:'''Chris''': What does it look like I'm doing? I'm trying to find a way to free stone cold Paige over here.

=== '' Oh My Goddess, Pt 2 ''  ===

:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Power? Power's good. I like power. Why do I like power?
:'''[[w:Chris Halliwell|Chris]]''': Because you are the Goddess of War.
:'''Paige''': Ahh. Well, I guess that explains the pitch fork.
:'''Chris''': It's not a pitch fork, it's a trident. Be careful, that's a formidable weapon.
:'''Paige''': Right on. Who wants to fight?
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': I'm a lover, not a fighter.
:'''Chris''': You're the Goddess of Love.
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Naturally. Well, then that must make me the Goddess of Sanity because I find this ridiculous!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Paige, make love not.. you know. There's no door love can't open, no wall love can't climb, no hurdle love can't... hurdle.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris''': What the hell is this? Goddesses gone wild?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': Reason and judgement are the qualities of a leader. [[w:Tacitus|Tacitus]] 100 AD.
:'''Phoebe''': Love will keep us together. [[w:Captain and Tennille|Captain and Tennille]]. 1970s.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cronus''': Who are you? 
:'''Paige''': The Supremes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Oh my, my, my! Aren't you just the edible elder? Have you taken a vow of celibacy?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': One more question...what are you wearing underneath that robe?
:'''Roland''': More robes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Don't you jingle me, mister!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Or how about &quot;I'm going to go check with the Elders&quot;. Do you really think he checks with the Elders?
:'''Paige''': No. He probably orbs to a sports bar and buys his buddies a round of drinks. &quot;Yeah, my wife thinks I'm up there. Here's to the Elders&quot;.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris''': Don't worry, one day you'll learn to trust me...they all will.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': You need to channel your hearth and home instincts to fight the Titans.
:'''Piper''': I was speaking from the heart not the hearth.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''': You're not the ancient greeks, you're the charmed ones. I didn't give you anything you can't handle. Phoebe, you lost yourself to the darkest love that ever existed, and you came back. Of course you can handle being the Goddess of Love.
:'''Phoebe''': I never thought of it that way.
:'''Leo''': Paige, you're the Goddess of War because you've been consumed with gaining power but you've never let the power consume you. And Piper, is it any wonder that I made you the Goddess of Earth? You are everything that is good and beautiful in this world, the mother of my son.
:'''Piper''': You really have that much faith in us?
:'''Leo''': You really need to ask that?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': It's not nice to piss off Mother Nature.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Thank God!
:'''Piper''': You're welcome.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt; 
:'''Piper''': I can't just give up. I don't know how.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Piper''': You asked me to marry you and I said yes. You wanted a family and I gave you a son. And now you want me to just watch you walk away?

== Season 6 ==

=== ''Valhalley of the Dolls, Pt 1'' ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': All right, all right. What do you want advice on?
:'''Chad''': See, there's this woman that I like, and I'd like to ask her out. But I'm afraid she'll say no. What should I do?
:'''Phoebe''': Well, why don't you just ask me and find out?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': I'm a dog-walker. The temp agency messed up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': 
::From other worlds far and near,
::Let's get him the Trok out of here.''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': What kind of whitelighter can't heal?
:'''[[w:Chris Halliwell|Chris]]''': For the record, you can't heal either.
:'''Paige''': I'm half whitelighter. How come you didn't tell us about this before we hired you?
:'''Chris''': Because you didn't hire me. I was assigned by the elders.
:'''Phoebe''': Any other little surprises you'd like to share with us?
:'''Chris''': No. Look, I haven't been a whitelighter very long, okay? And healing, it's big. And takes a while to learn how to do.
:'''Phoebe''': Great, student-lighter.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': 
::Powers and emotions tied,&lt;br&gt;
::A witch's heart is where it hides,&lt;br&gt;
::Help her through her agony,&lt;br&gt;
::Bless her with her memory.''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Phoebe''': Oh, Piper, hi! You're never gonna believe this. I think I have a new power. It would certainly explain a lot of my weird behaviour lately, like why I wanted to date Chad and why my advice has been so amazingly accurate. I know, this is huge, right? Huge. So what's my new power you ask? Oh, I'll tell you. Do you remember that empath we helped a couple of years ago? That guy that could feel what other people were feeling?
: '''Chris''': Uh, Phoebe.
: '''Phoebe''': Just a sec. I think that's what I am now. An empath. I am an empath. That's my new power. Or at least an advancement of my premonition power, I don't know.
: '''Chris''': Neither does she, I'm afraid. Know, that is, anything. Paige erased her memory.
: '''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Can you blow things up too?

===''Valhalley of the Dolls, Pt 2'' ===

: '''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Well that little magical whammy you performed on her kind of, um, backfired.
: '''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': You see, after you left, Piper was really...
: '''Paige''': Chipper. Yeah, incessantly, increasingly, annoyingly chipper.
: '''Phoebe''': What she said.
: '''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Well, it was supposed to make her feel less pain. I guess with me not around to pull it back a little bit, she got happier and happier?
: '''Paige''': Um, no, psychotically chipper.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Leo''': Paige...
: '''Phoebe''': Let her go. It might seem silly to you, but it's important to her, I know. 
: '''[[w:Chris Halliwell|Chris]]''': See? It helps to be an empath.
: '''Phoebe''': No, it helps to be a sister.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Biker''': Hell's bells. What have we got here? What, is there a Xena convention in town or something?
: '''Kara''': On your knees.
: '''Biker''': Excuse me? I got a better idea. How bout ''you'' get on your knees instead.
: '''Kara''': Who are you to speak to us that way?
: '''Freyja''': Kara.
: '''Kara''': You don't command us, we command you.
: '''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': This isn't Valhalla. You don't have dominion over men here.
: '''Freyja''': Then how do you train them? How do they take orders?
: '''Piper''': They don't.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: ''(Lots of dogs are barking.)''
: '''Paige''': What is going on here?
: '''Oscar''': Badass fight, that's what.
: '''Paige''': Who said that?
: '''Oscar''': Oh, wait, you mean you can hear me? Well, hallelujah. It's about time.
: '''Paige''': Please don't tell me you're talking to me.
: '''Oscar''': Are you kidding? I've been trying to get your attention for two days now. I'm in serious trouble here.
: '''Paige''': Okay. It's okay, Paige. You've dealt with weirder stuff than this. Maybe-maybe my powers are just advancing. Maybe I can understand animals now.
: '''Oscar''': Oh, please, give me a break. Until you accepted that there might be a reason you got this job, you weren't going to be open to helping me.
: ...
: '''Paige''': 
::I call upon the Halliwells. 
::I call our powers to undo this spell. 
::Make right again, that we must. 
::Reverse the curse that made this mutt.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Phoebe''': Okay, but you don't have to yell at me. 'Cause I can sense how mad you are.
: '''Paige''': Okay, just 'cause you can sense doesn't mean I can't vent.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Phoebe''': Reverse the spell. Reverse the spell.
: '''Paige''': All right, uh. 
::Spell was cast, 
::Now make it pass. 
::Remove it now, 
::Don't ask me how.''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Phoebe''': I mean, just because I could feel some glimmer of Piper's feelings doesn't mean she can. She's completely cut off from them.
: '''Chris''': Wait, wait, wait, hold it. Isn't there a spell that allows somebody to feel what you feel? Which in this case would be Piper feeling what you're feeling Piper should be feeling... Did that make any sense?
: '''Paige''': Um, frightening, it did.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Paige''': Well, then the question is how do we get close enough to her without her kicking our butts?
: '''Phoebe''': I could use my new power to counteract hers.
: '''Chris''': How do you figure?
: '''Phoebe''': Well, our powers are emotion-based, right? If I can channel Piper's feelings, why can't I channel her powers? And then use them against her.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Paige''': 
::Open Piper's heart to reveal, 
::That part which only Phoebe feels. 
::Send it back from whence it came, 
::But don't protect her from the pain.

===''Forget Me... Not'' ===

:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Chris, what are you doing sitting around here? Aren't you supposed to be getting to know your new charge?
:'''Natalie''': Oh, hi, Leo.
:'''[[w:Chris Halliwell|Chris]]''': Okay, look, before you get mad, you're the one who wanted me to have a charge in the first place. Remember?
:'''Leo''': To protect her.
:'''Natalie''': Oh, he was using protection.
:'''Chris''': Yeah, I don't think that's what he meant.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''':
:: Moments lost make witches wonder.
:: Warlocks plot or demons plunder.
:: If this is not a prank.
:: Help us to fill in the blanks.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': ''(to Wyatt)'' Okay, bud, here we go. Here we go, okay. Hey, lookie, how about this? ''(picks up a teddy)'' You like this guy? Hello. No? Pheebs, a little help here.
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': We hate that toy. It's yucky and crusty and gross.
:'''Piper''': Okay, then what does he want?
:'''Phoebe''': That. ''(points at the TV)''
:'''Piper''': Yeah, see, I am a failure.
:'''Paige''': No, you're not. We just happen to have more pressing concerns right now than the media's influence.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phoebe and Paige orb onto KLMV News)''
:'''Kaneisha (Presenter)''': I don't know what's happening here, I...
:'''Paige''': Well, it's called magic, Kaneisha. Witchcraft, specifically. I really love your... jacket! ''(orbs the jacket to her)''
: '''Phoebe''': Wanna see more magic? Let's check in with Piper at the Golden Gate Bridge. Take it away, Piper!
:''(Cut to a VT of Piper)''
: '''Piper''': 
::Let the object of objection become but a dream
::As I cause the scene to become unseen.
:''(Golden Gate Bridge disappears)'' You might want to take an alternate route to work in the morning.

===''The Power of Three Blondes'' ===
 
: '''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': She's at her new temp job.
: '''[[w:Chris Halliwell|Chris]]''': She's still on that kick?
: '''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': It's not a kick, Chris. It's her quest for happiness outside of magic.
: '''Chris''': Yeah, but it's a temp job. Who finds happiness on a temp job?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Nanny''': Let me take the boy for a walk.
: '''Piper''': All right. Just don't forget a hat for those ears.
: '''Nanny''': I always keep the baby warm.
: '''Piper''': I meant yours.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Mitzy''': We made the book of shadows? What, no picture?
: '''Margo''': Just a paragraph. A really, really tiny paragraph.
: '''Mabel''': &quot;The Stillman Sisters: Mabel, Mitzy, Margo. Common witches known for their small-time hustles and cons. Not worth vanquishing. If they become a nuisance, try a simple spell to bind their magic.&quot;
: '''Margo''': Oh. Well, at least we got an entry.
: '''Mitzy''': Yeah, but look at what they think of us. Common witches, not worth vanquishing? 
: '''Mabel''': Is that right? Well, check what these common witches just did. We're standing in the home of the Charmed Ones. We got their powers. We got their Book, and we got... blonde, multi-tonal hair. Who's the nuisance now?
: '''Margo''': We are.
: '''Mitzy''': Oh yeah!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Piper''': Without picture ID's, we got no credit cards, we got nothing. It's like we don't exist.
: '''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Everyone in the world thinks we're these trashy blondes. I do have to hand it to them, though. They've taken identity theft to a whole new level.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Mitzy''': Surprised to see us? I got my first premonition tonight.
: '''Phoebe''': I know you did, you genius. I planted it to lead you here.
: '''Mitzy''': ¡Oh!
: '''Margo''': Well, from where I'm standing, that's seems like a stupid thing to do. And I know ''a LOT'' about stupid things!
: '''Piper''': (Ironically) Yeah, see, she got us there!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': Ah, don't worry, this blonde couldn't hit the broad side of a beauty parlour.  I mean, check out that dye job!
:''(The Stilman sisters gasp)''
:'''Mabel''': How dare you!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Piper''': How did you know they weren't us?
: '''Chris''': In all my life I have never seen you take the bait the way that witch took it from you.
: '''Phoebe''': In all your life? But you've only been our Whitelighter for two months.
: '''Chris''': Let's just reverse the magic.

===''Love's A Witch'' ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Trust me. The sooner you get back on the dating horse, the easier it will be.
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': No, I know. You're right, you're absolutely right. It's just, the truth is, I'm a little scared. I mean, I was married to an angel, for crying out loud. Who is gonna compare to that?
:'''Phoebe''': I know, but, Piper, you also dated a demon, a warlock and a ghost, you know. That's what you should be scared of.
:'''Piper''': Super pep talk, sis.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': ''(while Leo and Chris are fighting)'' Oh, there's a lot of love in this room!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': 
:Lead me back,&lt;br&gt;
:From whence this came,&lt;br&gt;
:Help me help my sister's pain.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Oh, she's not only butting in, she's taking sides.
:'''Phoebe''': Look, Paige, it's not only what I saw but it's what I felt. Don't you think if they just tried to kill someone I would have felt some intense anger coming from them? But I didn't.
:'''Paige''': I don't know. Are you sensing any intense anger coming at you right now?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': How was your date?
:'''Piper''': Short.
:'''Leo''': Short? You mean like &quot;leprechaun&quot; short?
:'''Piper''': No, Leo, he wasn't short, the date was cut short by this.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Okay, they're all here and these people are in major need of peace talk.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Paige''': 
:Unknown spirit, we call to thee,&lt;br&gt;
:Those who wish to set you free,&lt;br&gt;
:Cross on over so we may help,&lt;br&gt;
:Come to us, reveal yourself.''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Okay, let's look at the bright side. We settled a family feud, we set free a tortured soul, maybe your new power and Paige's new solo path away from the sisterhood, is some kind of synergy, that is all working together in some kind of divine way.
:'''Phoebe and Paige''': Nah.

===''My Three Witches'' ===

:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Well call me butter, 'cause I'm on a roll.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': You've got me, Jason Dean. I'm yours. So no more wooing.
:'''Jason''': Okay, no more wooing. I guess I'll cancel our helicopter to Carmel for dinner.
:'''Phoebe''': No, no, no, maybe a ''little'' bit more wooing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Yeah. If I had to guess, I would say it's a world of desire, but it's not my desire, it's your desire. I can feel how much you want all of this for me.
:'''Jason''': Yes, Phoebe, I want everything for you including sanity.  If I die, promise me you'll see a doctor.

===''Soul Survivor'' ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': I have half a mind to call Jason and complain about it, but I don't wanna use our relationship for leverage. 
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': What's the use of sleeping with your boss, then?
:'''Phoebe''': Because I actually enjoy sleeping with my boss.
:'''Piper''': Yeah, don't brag.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zahn''': Consider yourself repossessed.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Chris Halliwell|Chris]]''': You're okay?
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Thanks for not listening to me.
:'''Chris''': Any time.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': What the hell is going on?
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Bitch later, vanquish now. ''(Piper and Phoebe vanquish the demon Zahn)'' 
:'''Phoebe''': I love watching lawyers explode!
:'''Piper''': Can I bitch now?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Wyatt glows his eyes at Richard, trying to scare him)
:'''[[w:Richard Montana|Richard]]''': Does he do that a lot?
:'''Piper''': Wyatt?
:'''Phoebe''': What is he doing? Why is he doing that?
:'''Piper''': Apparently he's trying to scare away all of my dates. You little rat. Did your father teach you that?
:'''Phoebe''': So not the time!
:'''Piper''': You're right. You're grounded! ''(Piper passes Wyatt to Phoebe)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Leo and Chris time-travel and get stuck in prehistory)''
:'''Chris''': I don't understand, why can't we orb?
:'''Leo''': Prehistoric. Magic won't be around until there's people around to use it.
:'''Chris''': Perfect. We'll just hang out for the next million years or so, no problem.
:'''Leo''': More like sixty-five million. It's the cretaceous period.
:'''Chris''': Man, you ''are'' old.

===''Sword And The City'' ===

: '''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Okay, anyway, ''Book'', Excalibur...?
: '''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Yeah, nothing. Nada.
: '''Paige''': Really?
: '''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Told you.
: '''Paige''': You know, hey, maybe it's been out of circulation since ye olden days, and maybe no Halliwell has ever come across it before.
: '''Phoebe''': Well, we have run across these guys, executioner demons, lower-level badasses for hire.
: '''Piper''': Who hired them?
: '''Phoebe''': This higher-level badass. ''(shows them the 'Dark Knight' page in the book)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Mordaunt''': The sword has chosen. You are the new saviour. The champion of good, the master of Excalibur. Welcome to your new destiny.
: '''Piper''': Oh, crap.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Mordaunt''': It's drawn to you, just like you're drawn to it.
: '''Piper''': Do I look like I'm drawn to it, pal?
: '''Mordaunt''': You will be in time.
: '''Piper''': No, I don't have time to play Queen Arthur.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Yeah, but I don't need divine help. I need filing and faxing and desk management help.
:'''Paige''': I'm your girl. I really am. We'll just, you know, see if the divine stuff kind of appears later. Usually does.
:'''Phoebe''': Yeah, but I can't tell you what to do. I mean, how weird is that?
:'''Paige:''' Well, it's no weirder than usual.
:'''Phoebe''': Oh, I see.
:'''Paige''': Just kidding, sort of.

===''Little Monsters'' ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': I sort of told him that I loved him last night.
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Oh, and this is bad?
:'''Phoebe''': No, except I said, &quot;I love you too.&quot; As if he said &quot;I love you&quot; first, which he didn't.
:'''Piper''': So wait, you told him that he loves you before he told you that he loves you? Yeah, that's not good.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': 
::Blessed with powers from my destiny, 
::I bless this hero with invincibility.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': I still can't believe we vanquished its mummy.
:'''Paige''': Yeah, but we didn't know it was a mummy and besides, mummy tried to kill us.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Chris Halliwell|Chris]]''': What? I'm being ridiculous? There is a demon in the playpen.

===''Chris-Crossed'' ===

:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Paige, where have you been? You're late.
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': I know, I'm sorry. I got tied up.
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Where? At Richard's?
:'''Paige''': No, I was at work. Get your mind out of the gutter, missy.
:'''Phoebe''': Hey, you're the one that orbs home to find lingerie.
:'''Paige''': Two times! I did that twice.
:'''Piper''': Yeah, it's about the only time we ever see you anymore.
:'''Paige''': Why did I come here? To get picked on?
:'''Phoebe''': Because we love you.
:'''Piper''': We kinda miss you.
:'''Paige''': I am not at Richard's that much. Fine! Maybe I am. But, you know, I am just an orb away if you need help.
:'''Piper''': Yeah, the thing is, we just gotta be careful. Because if we stray too far away from each other, demons take advantage. We've learned that lesson the hard way a few times.
:'''Paige''': I know, I know, I get it. I just really don't wanna think of us living together in fifty years.
:'''Piper''': Naaah, twenty, thirty years, tops.
:'''Phoebe''': We can always move to Hong Kong so I can see Jason whenever I want.
:'''Piper''': How do you say &quot;dream on&quot; in Chinese?
:''(Phoebe says something in Chinese)''
:'''Piper''': Impressive.
:'''Phoebe''': Berlitz. Okay, what about you, missy? Spill it!
:'''Piper''': Spill what?
:'''Phoebe''': Come on, you and Greg? Put out any fires lately?
:'''Piper''': Is that supposed to be a subtle fireman reference?
:'''Phoebe''': Yeah, you like it?
:'''Paige''': Wait a minute. You're going out with a fire-fighter?
:'''Piper''': Proof positive. You haven't been around much.
:'''Phoebe''': Let's see, they've been seeing each other for about three weeks, and someone, I won't say who, although it's not the fireman, is avoiding taking it to the next step.
:'''Piper''': I'm not avoiding. I'm just a little reluctant, that's all.
:'''Paige''': My dear, it is time to get back in the saddle.
:'''Piper''': Now a cowboy reference.
:'''Phoebe''': Piper, you just need to relax and let it happen.
:'''Piper''': Yeah, easy for you to say. You weren't sleeping with an angel for three years.
:'''Phoebe''': Yeah, but you were nervous when you and Leo first started, you know? I seem to remember that you used to freeze him during all the good parts. Hey, maybe you should...
:'''Piper''': No. I'm not freezing Greg. I'm so nervous, I'd probably blow him up.
:'''Phoebe''': Well?
:'''Piper''': Gutter, gutter, gutter.
:''(Phoebe laughs)''
:'''[[w:Chris Halliwell|Chris]]''': What are you guys talking about?
:'''Phoebe''': Stuff.
:'''Paige''': Hey, where you going?
:'''Chris''': I gotta go work on the next demon... stration.
:'''Phoebe''': Chris, why don't you relax and have a drink with us?
:'''Chris''': Thanks, but I didn't come here to relax.
:'''Phoebe''': ''(about Chris, after he leaves)'' That is one bitchy whitelighter.
:'''Piper''': You're telling me.
:'''Paige''': Hey Piper, why don't you go talk to the guilt machine over there?
:'''Phoebe''': Hm.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': What would you say if I told you whoever attacked Chris was called a Phoenix?
:'''Paige''': Well, I would say, &quot;What's a Phoenix?&quot; and then you'd probably tell me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris''': 
::I call upon the ancient power, 
::To help us in this darkest hour. 
::Let the book return to this place, 
::Claim refuge in it's rightful space.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris''': 
::Hear these words, hear the rhyme, 
::Hear the hope within my mind. 
::Send me back to where I'll find, 
::What I wish, in place and time.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bianca's mother''': Wait, do you have to leave so soon? Can't I help?
:'''Bianca''': Yeah. Someday when I ask you what it feels like to kill, don't lie to me. Don't tell me you don't feel a thing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Wyatt Halliwell|Wyatt]]''': Welcome home, Chris.
:'''Chris''': Hello Wyatt.
:'''Wyatt''': They're no threat to me. Et Tu, Chris? Of all the people to betray me.
:'''Chris''': I didn't go back to betray you, Wyatt. I went back to save you.
:'''Wyatt''': Save me? From what?
:'''Chris''': From whatever evil it was that turned you.
:'''Wyatt''': That's always been your problem, Chris. Stuck in the old good versus evil morals. I'm so past that. It's all about power, it's as simple as that.
:'''Chris''': And whoever has the most power wins, is that it?
:'''Wyatt''': That's it. That's why I keep this museum intact. To remind everyone the power from which I was born and that which I possess.
:'''Chris''': Too bad the rest of the city isn't fairing as well as your shrine here.
:'''Wyatt''': You know, if anyone else tried what you tried, I'd kill them on the spot. But you... I've forgiven Bianca, I can forgive you too. If you promise never to cross me again.
:'''Chris''': I think you know me better than that.
:'''Wyatt''': I thought you said you could talk some sense into him.
:'''Chris''': Leave her out of this!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris''': ''(To baby Wyatt)'' If I can't save you, I swear to God I'll stop you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bianca''': Haven't we been here before?
:'''Chris''': Maybe we will be again
:'''Bianca''': Maybe
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bianca''': You'll just have to hope the power of two will work, won't you Paige?

===''Witchstock'' ===

:'''[[w:Penny Halliwell|Grams]]''': You ''and'' Paige moved out? When?
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': A few weeks ago. But we're handling everything.
:'''Grams''': Dear, you have Paige stuck in the past and a demonic blob roaming the manor. Exactly how are you handling things?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grams''': Men are like utensils; you use them, wash them, and throw them in a drawer until you need them.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Young Penny''': 
::They have no right, 
::They have no power, 
::Turn their hate sticks into flowers.''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robin''': And so I call upon the Crone--let evil roam inside this home.
:''(Allen walks in)''
:'''Allen''': I thought you were acting strange.
:'''Robin''': Allen? Are you spying on me?
:'''Allen''': How could you, Robin? What about our dream?
:'''Robin''': ''(her voice turns sinister)'' My only dream ''(she raises a fireball)'' is helping my warlock friend put all of you weak creatures out of you misery tonight.
:''(Robin is about to throw when Paige walks in)''
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Robin! ''(Robin throws the fireball, but Paige dives out of the way)''
:'''Allen''': Violence isn't the answer, Robin. Let love replace your fear. I know you felt our love.
:'''Robin''': Yeah, and I still got the stink of it all over me. ''(she raises another fireball)''
:'''Paige''' Over here! ''(She knocks over a can of marbles.  Robin is knocked off her feet.  The fireball goes straight up in the air and lands on Robin, vanquishing her.)''  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': 
::Come to me and be seduced, 
::I have a girl to introduce. 
::Fall for her, you can't resist her, 
::Trust me, mister, she's my sister.
:'''Phoebe''': Yeah well, why Me?
:'''Piper''': Cause he's not my type.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Young Penny''': 
::May peace and love, 
::From the moon above, 
::Flow through your heart, 
::On the wings of a dove.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Young Penny''': What do I usually do at this point?
:'''Phoebe''': You usually do something very final, if you catch my drift.
:'''Young Penny''': 
::Snuff this warlock, 
::His days are done. 
::But make him good for the ecosystem.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': You know, if I hadn't taken over Paige's room, this never would've happened. This is all my fault.
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''' and '''[[w:Chris Halliwell|Chris]]''': What's done is done.
:'''Phoebe''': Okay, you two ''really'' need to get a room.
:'''Piper''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''(After vanquishing the green slime demon thing)''
:'''Piper''': Where's Wyatt?
:'''Chris''': He's in the living room.
:'''Phoebe''': What about Grams?
:'''Leo''': She... didn't make it.  ''(The basement door opens. Grams walks out, coughing.)''
:'''Grams''': Nonsense. You can't damage an old war horse like me. I'm already dead.

===''Prince Charmed'' ===

:''(As a birthday present Phoebe and Paige are creating the perfect man for Piper.)''
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Sensitive, but not a wuss-bag.
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': And someone that is a good listener.
:'''Paige''': Okay, good cook.
:'''Phoebe''': Handy around the house.
:'''Paige''': Good with kids.
:'''Phoebe''': Gets the whole normal-life thing.
:'''Paige''': Has a ''really'' big--
:'''Phoebe''': Paige.
:'''Paige''': Uh. Is this the perfect guy or what?
:'''Phoebe''': All right, throw it in.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''' &amp; '''Paige''': 
::A perfect man, we summon now. 
::Another way, we don't know how. 
::To make our sister see the light, 
::Somewhere out there is Mr. Right.''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Why not take advantage of him while you can? I mean, figuratively speaking, of course.
:'''Paige''': Oh, hell, literally, it is your birthday.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': 
::On Piper's day, set this table. 
::With all the favours you are able.

===''Used Karma''===

:'''Richard''': 
::I call to thee, pure witch's fire. 
::Through Vortex flow, The heavenly mire. 
::Cleanse brackish karma of debris. 
::From dark to light, sweep history.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Je ne sais pas, pourquoi?.
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Since when do you speak freedom fry?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': Okay, she's French. Bad karma. Napoleon?
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Probably not.
:'''Paige''': Okay, what about Marie Antoinette, Queen Isabella, the she-wolf of France?
:'''Paige''': Okay, let's see. Speaks French, hates the country, more than willing to strip in public. Oh my God, I saw something in here. :''(Reading from a book)'' Famous females spies: Mata Hari.
:'''Piper''': Wasn't she one of the bond girls?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Are you in charge here?
:'''Swarm King''': I am.
:'''Phoebe''': Good. Because I'd like to get into bed with you. Not literally. Although... there may be time for that later.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper, Phoebe, and Paige''': 
::Demon swarm that serves as one, 
::Vanquish him from which they come.

===''The Legend of Sleepy Halliwell'' ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': The whole biological clock thing, it's very real and it's echoing: tick, tick, tick, tick...
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Okay, neurotic people, can we get back to my neurosis right now, please?
:'''Phoebe''': Sure, which one were we talking about?
:'''Piper''': The one where I'm a rotten mother who's raising an antisocial child.
:'''Phoebe''': Okay, you know what? I think we should help the magic school, because we can't just keep that head on our foyer table, you know? What is it, a centre-piece?.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': ''(after meeting Gideon.)'' Who does he think he is? Obi-Wan Kenobi? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper, Phoebe, and Paige''': 
::Power of three, unite! 
::End this grizzly fright, 
::Reverse the roles, 
::And make us whole.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': I need you to be honest with me. No games, no running away. Just the truth.
:'''[[w:Chris Halliwell|Chris]]''': Okay.
:'''Phoebe''': Are you Wyatt's little brother?
:'''Chris''': ''(sighs)'' ... Only if I can get Piper and Leo back together in time.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': There ''was'' a wolf following us
:'''Sigmund's Head''': Not everybody sees what you see, Phoebe. Only those who are meant to see, see
:'''Phoebe''': What have you got in there, Confucius?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': ''(to Shapeshifter Boy)'' Hey, watch it! I still have a mouth. I'll turn you into a toad
:'''Piper''': ''(After Shapeshifter Boy is turned back)'' Next time, I'll give you warts!

===''I Dream of Phoebe'' ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': I've been calling for you all week, didn't you hear me?
:'''[[w:Chris Halliwell|Chris]]''': For the first couple of days, yeah. Then I put you on mute.
:'''Phoebe''': You can put me on mute?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris''': Oracles, furtune tellers, soothsayers, they all say the same thing. If Mom and Dad don't screw this month, I'm screwed.
:'''Phoebe''': Okay, I'm just trying to get used to you being my nephew... I never hit on you, did I?
:'''Chris''': What? No.
:'''Phoebe''': Oh, thank God.
:'''Chris''': Can we focus here, please? Mom and Dad need to have sex. Now, who's gonna tell them, you or me?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Genie''': When I form my empire, the first thing I'm gonna do is rid the world of witches.
:'''[[w:Paige Halliwell|Paige]]''': Oh, yeah? Well, when you're back in your bottle, the first thing I'm gonna do is put you in the microwave. Ha ha. How do you like that?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris''': Alright, I made a little wish.
:'''Paige''': You did what?
:'''Chris''': Two little wishes.
:'''Paige''': Oh, great. It's not bad enough I have to worry about Richard, now I have to worry about you too. What did you wish for?
:'''Chris''': For Leo to forgive me, which by the way was an accident.
:'''Paige''': And?
:'''Chris''': For Piper and Leo to sleep together.
:'''Paige''': Eww! Oh my God, you are sick! What is wrong with you? You're disgusting!
:'''Chris''': No...
:'''Paige''': You are some creepy registered sex offender from the future.
:'''Chris''': No, no, no...
:'''Paige''': Oh my god, you are so gross.
:'''Chris''': I'm Piper and Leo's son.
:'''Paige''': What?
:'''Chris''': They're my parents. I came back to save my family.
:'''Paige''': You're serious.
:'''Chris''': Yeah. Only now I've gotta save myself. Because if my mom doesn't get pregnant in the next month, there is no me.
:'''Paige''': This is all so wrong! And this has been such a long day...

===''The Courtship of Wyatt's Father'' ===

:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': She knows we're up to something. I can't believe how hard it is to get two people laid.
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Paige, that is disgusting. 
:'''Paige''': Well, it's what we're trying to do, right? 
:'''Phoebe''': No, we are trying to romance Piper and Leo together so they can conceive Chris, our nephew. 
:'''Paige''': And that's different how? 
:'''Phoebe''': Well, because what you said is very Springer, what I said is very Oprah. 
:'''Paige''': Well, what ever show we’re watching, we are running out of time.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': What's going on?
:'''Phoebe''': Maybe, maybe you should sit down, for a second.
:'''Piper''': Oh! That doesn't sound good.
:'''Phoebe''': No, no. No, It's good, it's good. I mean, you know it's not bad. It's a really, it's a really good thing. It's not a bad thing. I think it's a really good thing, Don't you think??
:'''Paige''': Yeah! I mean, it depends, you know.
:'''Piper''': Unhu! that sounds worse.
:'''Paige''': No, it's just complicated.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': Chris.. is your son.
:''(Piper stare at them, incredulous)''
:'''Phoebe''': Wyatt's brother. Look I know this is huge...
:'''Piper''': No, It's not huge, because it's not possible. It's crazy!'Cause I'm not pregnant! 
:'''Phoebe and Paige''': Oh, yeah!
:'''Phoebe''': No, I'm not. I mean, how could that happen!? I mean, I know how that could happen! But, it...... Oh! What am I going to do?
:'''Phoebe''': Maybe you should talk to Leo about it?
:'''Piper''': No! I can't!
:'''Phoebe''': Why?
:'''Piper''': Well, because, because, because I can't!
:'''[[w:Chris Halliwell|Chris]]''': Is this a bad time?
:''(Piper stare at Chris like she's seeing him for the first time)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': I never stopped loving you.

===''Hyde School Reunion'' ===

:'''Paula''': Todd! There you are, sweetie. (notices Phoebe) Oh, and there you are. I was wondering if you'd have the nerve to show up.
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': What do you mean &quot;nerve&quot;?
:'''Paula''': Oh. You're the talk of the reunion. You know, you can fool San Francisco with your pithy advice, but you can't fool us. We all know you, sweetie.
:'''Todd''': That's enough, Paula.
:'''Phoebe''': So what is that supposed to mean?
:'''Paula''': It means you're a fake. The only thing you were ever known for was lying and ditching and stealing boyfriends.
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Phoebe, are you gonna let someone with a giant helmet that passes for hair talk to you like that?
:'''Ramona''': God, Paula. Just because Todd had a thing for Phoebe, you don't have to be so mean.
:'''Paula''' (to Ramona): I'm not being mean. I'm doing her a favor. (to Phoebe) To the rest of the world, you might be &quot;Ask Phoebe&quot;, but to us, you'll always be &quot;Freebie&quot;.
:''(Phoebe looks hurt. She turns and walks away)''
:'''Paige''' (to Phoebe): You okay?
:''(Paula smirks with pride. Paige glares at Paula, then walks away to follow Phoebe)''
:'''Paula''' (to Todd): Hey. Let's dance. Hmm?
:''(cut to the hallway. Phoebe is walking and Paige follows her quickly)''
:'''Paige''': Hey. Why didn't you just tell that chick to go screw herself?
:''(Phoebe turns into Teen Phoebe, then quickly turns back into her adult self)''
:'''Paige''': Phoebe?
:'''Phoebe''': Okay, what just happened?
:'''Paige''': You tell me.
:'''Phoebe''': I have no idea. I was just standing here, and then I had some weird high school flashback.
:'''Paige''': Yeah. Your whole body just flashed back.
:'''Phoebe''': What? Are you kidding me? I-I just felt...
:'''Paige''': Pissed?
:'''Phoebe''': Very.
:'''Paige''': Well, as someone who's seen Carrie, both versions, I'd say the reunion is over.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Victor Bennett|Victor]]''': Oh my god, you're pregnant!
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Yeah, it looks that way, huh?
:'''Victor''': When did this happen?
:'''Piper''': Oh, well, you know, I've been meaning to call you but, you know... Leo's the father.
:'''Victor''': Leo? I thought you guys split up.
:'''Piper''': We did.
:'''Victor''': Well, then how... I don't understand.
:'''Piper''': Well, He was dying and I was crying... It's all very complicated
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': And she's under the influence.
:'''[[w:Chris Halliwell|Chris]]''': Of alcohol?
:'''Paige''': No. Adolecence.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Teen Phoebe''': Well I'd rather be rich then a bitch!
:''(Paula turns into a dog as everyone gasps, dog Paula runs away through the group of people)''
:'''Ramona''' (shocked): What the hell was that?!
:'''Teen Phoebe''': I don't know but it was so cool!
:'''Teen Phoebe''': ''The past is the future, the future is the past. Let's welcome back the senior class!''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris''': Hey, look, I need your help. I think I've got scabs in my tail. ''(Piper and Paige stare surprised)''
:'''Piper''': Oh! Well, I have some hydrogen peroxide in my bathroom.
:'''Chris''': No! scabbers demons.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rick''': Now, my face. Make it different. Heartbreaking, charming, young.
:'''Phoebe''': You know, I'm thinking maybe you should use our nephew for inspiration.
:'''Paige''': ''Who you were, you're now another, Take the face of Wyatt's brother.''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': It's a boy. Chris, actually.
:'''Victor''': Chris? Why'd you choose that name?
:'''Piper''': I don't know, and he won't tell me. He's very secretive about the future. He's actually the reason I asked you to come. See, um, he hates me and he doesn't want to talk to me and I need you to find out why.
:'''Victor''': I don't understand your wiccan ways, but I'll try. ''(He leans towards Piper's stomach)'' Hello, Chris. Chris. Hello, Chris. Can you hear me?
:'''Chris''': Is someone calling me?
:'''Piper''': Yeah, sweetie, could you come here for a sec?
:'''Victor''': Geez, he can come out? ''(Chris walks in)''
:'''Chris''': Can we air this out, 'cause I gotta... Grandpa! ''(Chris goes over to Victor and hugs him while Victor is stunned)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Chris, is that what you've been living with knowing that something happens to me? I see, well does it happen soon?
:'''Chris''': I can't tell you that, it could change the future in even worse ways.
:'''Piper''': Right, but isn't that why you came here in the first place, to make the future better? How do you know that you haven't already changed mine?
:'''Victor''': She's got a point.
:'''Piper''': Well, whatever it is it obviously doen't happen until after you're born so save it. Got it?
:'''Chris''': I got it, mom. ''(Piper smiles)''

===''Spin City'' ===

:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': So are you happy?
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': 'Bout what?
:'''Paige''': About what the doctor said: it's gonna be a healthy baby.
:'''Piper''': Of course it's a healthy baby, I've seen him 22 and walking around.
:'''Paige''': Well you never know, something could've gone wrong!
:'''Piper''': Oh, stop being such a worry wart, you're starting to sound like...''(Chris orbs in.)'' Chris! What are you doing here?
:'''Paige''': This better not be about demons, 'cause I am on my lunch break!
:'''[[w:Chris Halliwell|Chris]]''': No, no. I just wanted to check how it went with the doctor.
:'''Piper''': Well. You'll be happy to know that you're a boy!
:'''Chris''': Funny. That's not what I meant.
:'''Paige''': ''(looking at ultrasound.)'' I don't see it...
:'''Piper''': Oh, see it's this little thing over here...
:'''Chris''': ''(snatches ultrasound away.)'' Hey! Excuse me, do you mind? ''(pauses, looks at ultrasound and squints.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris''': Wait, you had a force field with Wyatt but not with me?
:'''Piper''': Well ''I'' didn't have one, he had one. It was all his doing.
:'''Chris''': From the womb? He had powers from the womb? That's unbelieveable, it's not like I don't have an inferiority complex with him already. Thank you!
:'''Piper''': ''(to Paige)'' Did you find that demon yet?
:'''Paige''': Yes, actually I did. It's the Spider Demon. An evil creature that emerges from its hidden  lair every hundred years to capture and feed off  the most powerful magical being it can dtect, in this case, that would be you. (''looks at Piper'')
:'''Chris''': And me.
:''(Piper and Paige look at Chris. Chris looks up.)''
:'''Chris''': Sorta.
:'''Piper''': You must be so proud.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': What? What's so funny?
:'''Piper''': This whole family needs a shrink
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Okay, what do you say we make this eight legged freak wish it'd never been hatched?
:'''Chris''': Woah, hold it, you are not going anywhere mom, this is way too risky.
:'''Paige''': He's actually right without the Wyatt force field thing...
:'''Chris''': Okay, do you have to keep rubbing that in?
:'''Paige''': Aren't there any therapists in the future?
:'''Chris''': We need Phoebe.
:'''Piper''': No, I don't wanna interrupt her date with Mark.
:'''Paige''': Actually, it's Mike this week.
:'''Chris''': No, it's Mitch, but who cares. We need her. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': Are you hormonal or just plain crazy?!
:'''Piper''': One woman can only take so much.
:'''Paige''': What do you think these people are gonna do when they step out of their offices?
:'''Piper''': Well, they won't be touching my stomach anymore, that's what I think...
:''(Piper unfreezes the room.)''
:'''Paige''': ''(to lady who was touching Piper's stomach.)'' It's okay, it's okay. We all get a little vertigo sometimes. ''(To Piper, entering in the elevator)'' No wonder that Chris grows up to be such a neurotic little freak!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Phoebe, Paige, how are you?
:'''Paige''': Not so good, we have a problem.
:'''Leo''': Perhaps we should meditate...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris''': ''(while he's punching Leo.)'' You don't know me! You don't know me!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': Bugspray, we shoulda used bugspray.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris''': Why fight when I've already won.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The troll knocks at the entrance of the cave. Inside, the Spider Demon growls as she is interrupted from feeding on Piper's cocoon.)''
:'''Spider Demon''': Damn it.  Can't a demon eat in peace?
:''(She leaves the cave, walking through the webbed doorway.)''
:'''Spider Demon''': You're pissing me off, ya know?
:'''Paige''': Yeah, that's the idea.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': Step on her!
:''(The troll stands on the Spider Demon)''
:'''Phoebe''': Eww!  That is so gross!
:'''Troll''': Sorry!

===''Crimes and Witch-Demeanors'' ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': How is Piper? Have you seen her?
:'''[[w:Chris Halliwell|Chris]]''': She's good...Uh, big. You know, I keep thinking how weird it's gonna be to actually see myself being born...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris''': I think I have a new theory on who might be trying to turn Wyatt evil.
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Oh, a new theory. What's that? Like the third one this week?
:'''Chris''': What're you keeping score now?
:'''Phoebe''': She's just grumpy 'cause she hasn't had her coffee yet.
:'''Paige''': I am not grumpy. ''(Phoebe gives her a look.)'' Ok, fine, maybe a little bit. But you have to admit you've had a lot of different theories lately, and none of them have panned out.
:'''Chris''': That's why they call them &quot;theories&quot;.
:'''Paige''': Do we even get along in the future?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tribunal Demon''' ''(talking about the Cleaners.)'' I care.
:'''Phoebe''': Yeah, you're a demon.
:'''Tribunal Elder''': I care too.
:'''Phoebe''': Oh...well never mind then.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Elder''': What do you have to say for yourself Barbas?
:'''Barbas''': I'm a demon. What do you expect?

===''A Wrong Day's Journey into Right'' ===

:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': 
::A perfect man, I summon now. 
::Another way I don't know how. 
::Bring him now into the light. 
::Come back to me Mr. Right.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Well, let's just hope that we find him before he finds us!
:''(The door bell rings.)''
:'''Phoebe''': Hm... Maybe that's another one of your suiters that you've conjured for your own personal gain and pleasure.
:'''Paige''': Oh, I hope so! ''(to Mr. Right.)'' No offense.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': &quot;Use my blood&quot;, you said. &quot;It's his blood too&quot;, you said.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Paige, I don't even want to talk about this. I mean, how could you do such a thing?
:'''Paige''': Oh, what, like you've never conjured stuff before.
:'''Phoebe''': Yeah, well, never for myself and never a sex toy.
:'''Mr. Right''': I am not a sex toy.
:'''Phoebe''': Quiet, you.
:'''Paige''': Well, we did it for Piper before.
:'''Phoebe''': Yes, but that was different. We were trying to convince her to not give up on love. We were desperate.
:'''Paige''': Well, maybe I am too.
:'''[[w:Chris Halliwell|Chris]]''': Excuse me, shouldn't we be focusing on the bigger issue here?
:''(Chris points to Mr. Right.)''
:'''Phoebe''': How long has this been going on?
:'''Paige''': About three weeks.
:'''Phoebe''': Three weeks!
:'''Paige''': Give or take. You're the one who kept telling me I needed a break.
:'''Phoebe''': Yes, but I meant take a day off, you know. Go to the spa, have a pedicure, get a massage.
:'''Mr. Right''': I massage her.
:''(Phoebe gags.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris''': Not something, someone. Demonatrix.
:'''Phoebe''': Look Chris, what you do in your spare time...
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': ''(laughs)'' Phoebe?! Are you here to save me or kill me?
:'''Phoebe''': I havn't decided yet, turn around.

===''Witch Wars'' ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''':  Have you lost your mind?
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''':  No.  Another witch was killed last night.
:'''Phoebe''':  Oh, no.
:'''Paige''':  Oh, yes!  And she had active powers, so I need you to go home where I can keep an eye on you.
:'''Phoebe''':  Paige, you're my baby sister, not my baby-sitter.
:'''Paige''':  Oh, that's clever.  You're very clever.  I'm glad that while I'm panicking, you have the time to be clever.
:'''Phoebe''':  Ok, it's very sweet that you're worried about me, but I am fine, and I have a lot of work to do here.
:'''Paige''':  Great.  Do your work from home.
:'''Phoebe''':  I can't do it from home because Kyle Donie is not at home.
:'''Paige''':  Who is Kyle Donie?  Is this about a guy?
:'''Phoebe''':  No, it's not about a guy.  It's about a reporter, one who knows everything there is to know about crime and criminal investigation and since we don't have Darryl's help anymore, he's the only resource I have.
:'''Paige''':  Fine. ''(hands her the potions vials as she tells her what they are.)''  Explosive, acid, smoke bomb. Use them.
:'''Phoebe''':  Thanks, mom.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': ''(refering to the Games Masters)'' I'm gonna kill them.
:'''Gideon''': No Leo you're an elder now non-violent. Remember?
:'''Leo''': Watch me.

===''It's a Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad World, Pt 1'' ===
:'''[[w:Chris Halliwell|Chris]]''': You know your time-travel section is due for a serious overhaul. I mean, I can find more information Googling.
:'''Gideon''': Googling?
:'''Chris''': Never mind.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': (''to Paige'') Don't forget diapers! Lots of diapers!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In the alternate underworld, which looks like a jungle. Good and Evil Paige both answer their ringing cellphones.)''
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Piper. Hello?
:'''Piper''': Where the hell are you? I'm in labour!
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Is she okay?
:'''Paige''': She's in labour.
:'''Piper''': Is there an echo?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Since when are you in such a hurry to say goodbye?
:'''Phoebe''': Well, since something happened with the thing, and the thing, with the thing.

===''It's a Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad World, Pt 2'' ===

:'''[[w:Chris Halliwell|Chris]]''': You're laughing! That's great...your nephew almost killed and you're laughing!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': So we're starring in a little movie called Pleasantville.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Hey, I'm here now you can hold on okay? Hold on, hold on... I'm here, you can hold on. Don't give up, okay?
:'''Chris''': You either...
:'''Leo''': No, no, no. Please, no, no, please no...
:''(Chris fades away to nothing.)''

== Season 7 ==

===''A Call to Arms''===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Okay, you two! Stop it right now! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! ''(Paige and Phoebe pull leo and Piper apart) You go over there, you over... here. ''(Piper slaps Phoebe with her many hands) And keep your hands to yourself!
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': But you're interrupting us.
:'''Phoebe''': And saving life as we know it.
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': What are you talking about?
: '''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Look at your outfit. Does that look like something you normally wear?
:'''Leo''': Well, no.
:'''Paige''': Exactly. This is not the first time we have been hijacked by gods. So you just have to fight it.
:'''Leo''': I don't want to fight it. I haven't felt this potent in years.
:'''Phoebe''': Ew! Over sharing. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': How is his rash? Did he need oilment? 
:'''Paige''': I don't know, I've been kind of procrastinating on that one. It's not my favourite thing to check.
:'''Piper''': Why? You don't have a problem checking Wyatt
:'''Paige''': Yeah, that's because I don't flash foward to Wyatt being twenty-two like I do with Chris
:'''Piper''': Yeah!... Right!... Ew!

=== ''The Bare Witch Project'' ===

:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': This is Godiva.
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Godiva?!
:'''Paige''': As in... Lady Godiva. In the flesh, so to speak.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': PLEASE, don't tell me you've been vanquishing demons with the children.
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Well, Chris was fussy. It calmed him.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': It's okay, it's just a graze.
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': I still can't believe an Elder attacked you.
:'''Paige:''': I know, they're supposed to be pacifists, right?
:'''Piper''': Have you seen Leo lately? Speaking of which. Leo!
:'''Paige''': He's a little mad at me and I can't say I blame him. I did kind of mess things up.
:'''Phoebe''': Well, that doesn't explain why he tried to kill you.
:'''Lady Godiva''': Pardon me.
:'''Paige''': I think the demon did something to the Elder, got him to free up his repressed anger somehow.
:'''Phoebe''': Oh, probably wasn't breast fed as a child.
:'''Piper''': Phoebe.
:'''Phoebe''' What?
:'''Paige''': Well, either way, we wouldn't even be in this situation, this demon wouldn't even be here if I hadn't have had the great stroke of genius to try to save school.
:'''Phoebe''': So why do you think he tried to kill her?
:'''Lady Godiva:''' If I could just...
:'''Paige''': Maybe he knew what I didn't know. Which is that since they came together, they have to leave together.
:'''Phoebe''': Yeah, but why wouldn't he want to go back?
:'''Lady Godiva''': If you would just listen to me.
:''(She removes the robe she was wearing. Piper, Phoebe and Paige look away.)''
:'''Phoebe''': Oh!
:'''Piper''': Wow!
:'''Lady Godiva''': Which is apparently still the only way I can get anybody to listen to me.
:'''Piper''': Woman, keep your clothes on, this is a family show. Really.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lord Dyson''': Let's see what you've been hiding from me. Oh, there's so much, so ready to come out. Let it out, let it all out!
:'''Leo''': You demons have it so easy. No morality to worry about. No attachments, no one to lose. 
:'''Piper''': Yeah, you tell him, Leo!
:'''Leo''': When you kill, you feel NOTHING!
:''(Overdosed on Leo's suppressed rage, Lord Dyson screams and explodes)''

=== ''Cheaper by the Coven'' ===

:'''[[w:Penny Halliwell|Grams]]''': Not a good time, girls. I'm busy.
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': You're dead.
:'''Grams''': Well, it doesn't mean I can't have a life.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Leo!
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Oh, hi sweetie, how are you?
:'''Piper''': Don't you sweetie me! Where are the boys?

=== ''Charrrmed!'' ===

:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Do I look like a ma'am to you?
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Paige, you're obsessing.
:'''Paige''': You're damn right I'm obsessing! I am far too young to be old!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': I think I found something.
:'''Paige''': Huh?
:'''Piper''': I said I think I found something. What, are you deaf now too?
:'''Paige''': Well, you're gonna go deaf first. Don't forget, you're the older sister.
:'''Piper''': Yeah, I love you too.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Yo-ho, hello.
:'''Piper''': Did you just call me a hoe?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': ''(sticks sword through First Mate.)''
:'''First Mate''': ''(turns to Captain and hands him knife, then turns to other pirate)'' Do you mind?
:'''Other Pirate''':''(pulls out sword)''
:'''Paige''': Aren't you supposed to be dead?
:'''Captain''': He wishes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': How'd you get here?
:'''Phoebe''': A pirate never betrays his secrecy (Piper looks confused) Leo orbed me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': ''(reading letter)'' Captain Black Jack Cutting formally invites you to Treasure Island.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': I can't answer it now, what am I gonna say? We're robbing a museum?

=== ''Styx Feet Under'' ===

:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Stop yelling at Death!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': I'm not doing this anymore. I give up. I quit.
:'''Angel of Death:''' You can't quit, Piper. Not until you catch up.
:'''Piper''': You can't make me take my sister's soul. I won't do it.
:'''Angel of Death:''' We don't get to decide who lives or dies. Any circumstances can change someone's fate
:'''Piper''': Well, then, I won't collect anymore souls. I'll go on strike.
:'''Angel of Death:''' So, to save your sister, you would threaten to stop all death?
:'''Piper''': You got it.
:'''Angel of Death:''' That's rather selfish of you, don't you think? Unless, of course, you think that death is pointless.
:'''Piper''': Well, I...
:'''Angel of Death:''' It's not, you know. Far from it. Life only has meaning specifically because there is an end. Death is what forces people to live.
:'''Piper''': Yes, but...
:'''Angel of Death:''' Which means ending death effectively ends life, throws off the entire cosmic design, the whole point, and for what? A single fleeting life. This is bigger than your sister, Piper. Much bigger.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': This isn't good, right?
:'''Piper''': I'm so sorry, Paige. It's much easier if you just let go.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': Piper. I have something to tell you.
:'''Piper''': Paige...
:'''Paige''': You know that brown suede coat? You thought you lost it but, um, it's in my closet. And those earrings you liked. I borrowed them and I never gave them back.
:'''Piper''': You're stalling.
:'''Paige''': I know. But you can't blame a girl for trying.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Seer''': Hello?! I'm a seer. I knew that was coming

=== ''Once in a Blue Moon'' ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Oh. Any idea what this meeting's all about?
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Oh, probably something to do with the kids.
:'''Phoebe''': Why? Did something happen?
:'''Paige''': Oh, I'm sure they've gotten kidnapped by the latest demon or something.
:'''Phoebe''': Paige, that is so not funny.
:'''Paige''': You got so emotional when you're PMS-ed.
:'''Phoebe''': And you got mean.
:'''Paige''': I do not got mean. I'm above it all. Nothing happens to me.
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': All righty than.
:'''Phoebe''': Oh, right, nothing happens to you. You're above it all.
:'''Paige''': Fine, I get a little jumpy.
:'''Piper''': And I get a little pissy, so watch it.
:'''Phoebe and Paige''': We know.
:'''Paige''': The good news is we all get over it at the same time.
:'''Piper''': As long as we don't kill each other in the process, which brings me to what we need to talk about.
:'''Paige''': Ah, that sounds serious. That calls for ice cream with three spoons.
:'''Phoebe''': Ah-ah-ah! Persional gain.
:'''Paige''': I know, but screw it, it's too good.
:'''Piper''': Anyway, I've been wanting to tell you guys something for a while. Um, I just didn't know how to say it.
:'''Phoebe''': Oh my God. Are you pregnet again?
:'''Piper''': No, this is not a good thing. Do you guys remember Zola, the Elder who disappeared?
:'''Paige''': Yeah.
:'''Piper''': Well, he didn't disappear. He was killed. Leo killed him.
:'''Phoebe''': Leo killed him?
:'''Paige''': Heh!
:'''Piper''': It was an accident. He didn't mean to. I mean, he was tricked.
:'''Paige''': You might want to tell that to Zola.
:(''Piper was upset and blows up chandelier.)''
:'''Phoebe and Paige''': Oh!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Sorry to interrupt, but I have to tell you something that you're probably not gonna like.
:'''Paige''': Did you kill anybody else? I'm sorry.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': Definitely a bachelor.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up!
:'''Piper''': What? Where are the boys?
:'''Phoebe''': The boys are fine. We're not.
:'''Paige''': Keep it down. Hey!
:'''Piper''': Hey, yourself. Look!
:'''Paige''': Oh my God! What happened to him?
:'''Phoebe''': I think we're what happened to him.
:'''Paige''': What are you talking about?
:'''Phoebe''': We're in the cage, that's what I'm talking about. I think we trapped our selves.
:'''Piper''': No, we didn't. Did we?
:'''Phoebe''': I think that dream I had was real.
:'''Paige''': So you're saying, that we, did this to him?
:'''Phoebe''': Do you have a better explanation?
:'''Paige''': That is crazy. ''(stands up, hits force-field, plops back down)''
:'''Phoebe''': As you were saying?
:'''Paige''': Okay. What does this mean? We're demons?
:'''Piper''': No, we didn't turn into demons, Paige.
:'''Phoebe''': We turned into monsters.
:'''Paige''': I know we all get a little testy this time of month, but that's ridiculous.
:'''Piper''': It can't be that, it's gotta be something else
:'''Phoebe''': Like what? The blue moon?
:'''Piper''': We gotta get out of here. This is crazy. Paige, try to orb one of these crystals away.
:'''Paige''': Crystal. Blue moon?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': They're out of their minds.
:'''Leo''': Still, he's gonna be sent here tomorrow.
:'''Piper''': Well, I hope I don't blow him up.
:'''Leo''': Piper, you can't blow up a whitelighter.
:'''Phoebe''': Why not? She blows you up all the time.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': Do you think we should put some snacks in the cage?
:'''Phoebe''': Like what, a wildebeast?
:'''Piper''': Please don't say beast.
:'''Paige''': No, I'm just saying we don't know how long we're gonna be in here. What if I get hungry?
:'''Piper''': Well, then we'll have Leo throw us Whitelighter. Don't worry about it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': Oh, what happened?
:'''Odin''': You attacked us.
:'''Phoebe''': Oh, really? Then how come I'm the one with the headache?
:'''Odin''': We were forced to defend ourselves.

=== ''Someone to Witch Over Me'' ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': What are we doing here?
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Well, he said for us to meet him here. He needed to talk to us about something important.
:'''Phoebe''': Yeah, but Paige it's a fire.
:'''Paige''': So?
:'''Phoebe''': So we don't do fires. Firemen do fires. We do fireballs
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': So, I don't understand. If I'm in the past...what are you doing here?
:'''[[w:Chris Halliwell|Chris]]''': I'm guiding you.
:'''Leo''': So you're real?
:'''Chris''': No, but I represent something that is. I died in you arms, Dad. Killed by everything that you thought was good. I'm your root pain, okay? And I'm gonna be sticking with you until you're ready to let me go.
:'''Leo''': How will I know when that is?
:'''Chris''': C'mon. Lets check out some parts of your life that you really need to remember
:'''Leo''': Do I have a choice?
:'''Chris''': Hey it's your vision quest. It's up to you. C'mon.

=== ''Charmed Noir'' ===

:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Who would shoot a gnome? And why is the G silent?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': They're dicks.
:'''Kyle''': ''(giggles)'' Dicks?
:'''Paige''': No, like private eyes, detectives.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Matchmake later, save sister now.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': ''(to Phoebe)'' Try and block her path.
:''(Inside the book: Paige and Kyle are walking down the alley. A piano falls in front of them.)''
:'''Kyle''': You were saying?
:'''Paige''': Thanks, guys, could you be any less subtle?
:'''Kyle''': Looks like your sisters agree with me.
:'''Paige''': Don't gloat.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Miss Donovan''': ''Lord of the Rings''?
:'''Gnome''': Historically inaccurate.
:'''Miss Donovan''': ''Harry Potter''?
:'''Gnome''': Filled with juvenile delinquents.
:'''Miss Donovan''': Even ''The Wizard of Oz''?
:'''Gnome''': Disparaging to little people. Munchkins being persecuted. Filth!
:'''Paige''': Oh, come on, seriously?
:'''Miss Donovan''': It is the same story with all the books. None of them deserve to be banned.
:'''Gnome''': I suppose you want another naked Godiva riding out of the book again.
:'''Paige''': Is that what this is all about? Godiva?
:'''Miss Donovan''': It's just an excuse and he knows it. He's using it to push his own agenda which is to stifle freedom of speech.
:''(The gnome shakes his hand and Miss Donovan's mouth seals up.)''
:'''Gnome''': Now that's what I call stifling.
:'''Paige''': That is uncalled for. You give her her mouth back now.
:''(He waves his hand and unseals her mouth.)''
:'''Miss Donovan''': Why you little worm. I should...
:'''Gnome''': Little. Did you hear that? She's a size-ist.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Paige and Kyle are changing into 1930's clothing. Paige is behind a changing screen.)''
:'''Kyle''': You turned me into a felon, you know that, right? Breaking and entering, vandalism, theft.
:'''Paige''': It's a fiction story in a fiction world. I highly doubt we're breaking any laws.
:'''Kyle''': It may be a fiction world but those bullets seemed pretty damn real to me.
:'''Paige''': Yeah, well, that's precisely why we need to blend in before those goons come to get us again.
:''(She reaches out and grabs a dress. She looks at Kyle.)''
:'''Paige''': Are you peeking?
:'''Kyle''': No. Are you? 
:''(Paige pulls a face.)''

=== ''There's Something About Leo'' ===

:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Piper, you can't walk out on this.
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': You're right. We should orb.

=== ''Witchness Protection'' ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Wait. Are you saying that you've been living in our house as an Avatar, and you haven't told us?
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Look, I'm the same old Leo.
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Only not. Is this how you went from psycho crazy guy to happy-happy guy? Because you became an Avatar?

=== ''Ordinary Witches'' ===

:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': What? What's going on?
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Oh, you know, nothing. Your boyfriend tried to kill my husband.

=== ''Extreme Makeover: World Edition'' ===

:'''Kyle''': Hey. I let myself in, if that's okay.
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Sure. Of course. Hey. How are you?
:'''Kyle''': So, what's going on here?
:'''Paige''': Just scrambling. We've been quite a rule knocking off this demons thanks to the Avatars.
:'''Kyle''': The Avatars?
:'''Paige''': Yeah. They've been great helping us to find these demons.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kyle''': Are you an Elder?
:'''Zankou''': Hardly.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zankou''': You said something about the vanquishing potion?
:'''Kyle''': How'd you know about that?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': I guess so.
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': What about Zankou?
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': I think I know how to find him.
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Will you give me a lift? I wanna make sure I get my last column in.
:'''Paige''': Last column?
:'''Phoebe''': Well yeah. How much advice can a world with no conflict need? I may be out of the job.
:'''Paige''': You okay with that?
:'''Phoebe''': I've got better things to look forward to.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Elise''': Are you leaving us?
:'''Phoebe''': I'm sorry?
:'''Elise''': The grass is greener. Kind of a goodbye column, isn't it?
:'''Phoebe''': No. Not necessarily.
:'''Elise''': Phoebe, I've been doing this a long time, I know how to read between the lines. Come on, talk to me.
:'''Phoebe''': Okay, um... It's just that... Things change. You know what I mean? Life changes.
:'''Elise''': Don't you like a job anymore?
:'''Phoebe''': Of course I do, Elise. I love my job, you know that.
:'''Elise''': But?
:'''Phoebe''': But... Like I said, things change. For the better thou. You'll see.
:'''Elise''': No, I don't understand.
:'''Phoebe''': Um, okay. Have you ever gone through a period in your life, where all you can think about, all you wanna do, is just get away from it?
:'''Elise''': When I was married to my ex. James L. Connors. What a smug.
:'''Phoebe''': Okay, and you were able to move on from him, right? Rebuild your life? Even through at the time you probably felt you couldn't?
:'''Elise''': Yeah.
:'''Phoebe''': Well, it's the same thing. That's what I'm talking about. One door closes and another one opens. Sometimes you just have to take that faith.
:'''Elise''': Phoebe, I don't...
:'''Phoebe''': I promise you Elise. This is gonna be great, for everyone. Otherwise, I won't be doing it.
:'''Elise''': Do what?
:'''Phoebe''': I gotta go.
:'''Elise''': No. Wait. But you...
:'''Phoebe''': Thank you, Elise. Thank you for everything you've done for me. Goodbye, all of my dear beautiful friends! I will see you tomorrow when a bright new sunshining day begins. Michelle, you are the best. Donald! Donald, I gotta tell you... you... you are the man! Greg, I... you know, we never liked each other, didn't we? Oh... that will all change! Until tomorrow, everyone!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': I was thinking, if we adjust the tracking spell we used to find the Source, it might work on Zankou, considering they were working so closely. Paige? Are you listening?
:'''Paige''': Yeah, that sounds great.
:'''Piper''': Well, it would, if you were listening to me.
:'''Paige''': I'm sorry, it's just a... big change.
:'''Piper''': I know. And you know what? It's okay to be scared.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''Charmageddon'' ===

:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Good. I mean that's normal. You don't want to go around just having it all be glossed over, you know.
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': No. But still... I am happy for him. I mean, he is in a better place. And the thing is, he would really want me to enjoy this new world.
:'''Leo''': Well, he died trying to stop it.
:'''Paige''': Well, that's why I owe it to him to be happy.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': What's the matter Zankou... chicken?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kyle''': Hello Paige.
:'''Paige''': Kyle?
:'''Kyle''': Careful. That used to mean a lot to me.
:'''Paige''': Is this really you?
:'''Kyle''': In the flesh. More or less.
:'''Paige''': I saw you die.
:'''Kyle''': That's right, you did. But as you know, sometimes it doesn't end there.
:'''Paige''': Are you a whitelighter?
:'''Kyle''': Feels kind of weird.

=== ''Carpe Demon'' ===

:'''Drake''': Look, it says I can be vanquished with the Power of Three.
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': ''(shocked)''
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Paige''': You touched it. You touched the book!
:'''Drake''': Oh my God, so I did. That must mean I'm good! ''(touches book with elbows, rubs hands all over pages.)''
:'''Paige''': ''(smacks him and gives him a look.)'' Would you quit it?!

=== ''Show Ghouls'' ===

:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': It's not the shopping. It's this whole world vacation thing. I just think we should stay here and wait for the Elders decision on me.
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Absolutely not. That's precisely why we should be going. Look, we're all together, we deserve a vacation. And we're not gonna sit around and wait for the other pattini to drop, so that's that. We're going.
:'''Leo''': But what about the travel and the cost?
:'''Piper''': Oh, for God sakes, Leo! We're orbing.
:'''Leo''': Okay, well, what about Phoebe and Paige?
:'''Piper''': What about them?
:'''Leo''': Well, they made us this big send-off dinner last night.
:'''Piper''': Oh, please. They ordered pizza.
:'''Leo''': Right. And we're not helping with the clean up.
:'''Piper''': Wow, if that's the best you got, you really do need a vacation.
:'''Leo''': But...
:'''Piper''': Arresto! Look, Phoebe and Paige just remade the world. I think they can handle the kitchen. Now, unless you have any more objections...Leaning Tower of Pisa, here we come!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': Listen, odds are, the Count, he's possessed my body right? And until he's evicted, I got no where to go. Only you can get out... into your body. Even though I'm into your body, I still can't get out.
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': I'll come back for you.
:'''Drake''': And listen, if he puts up to big of a fight, all right, you just vanquish my sorry ass! I don't care.
:'''Phoebe''': Okay!
:'''Drake''': But only as a last resort.
:'''Phoebe''': Okay!

=== ''The Seven Year Witch'' ===

:'''[[w:Cole Turner|Cole]]''': ''(To himself)'' Stubbornness definitely run into this family... ''(to Piper)'' You've tried going upstairs twice, out the door three times and through the wall, five...make that six times, but hey, you haven't tried the chimney yet.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': ''(turning to Cole)'' What are you exactly? Ghost? Demon? Poltergist? Nightmare?
:'''Cole''': None of the above.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Piper has just fallen into a deep coma and is shocked to see Cole. She steps over her body towards him.)''
:'''Piper''': I don't know what's worse: the fact that I'm dying, or that apparently, I get to spend my last dying moments on earth with ''you''.

=== ''Scry Hard'' ===

:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Have you gone crazy again?

=== ''Little Box of Horrors'' ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': I'm feeling a little...
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Bummed? Yeah, I know. Nina, or Katya I'm assuming, said that it was the first wave of sorrow from the box.

=== ''Freaky Phoebe'' ===

:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': I'm not just anybody, okay? I am a Charmed One. I ran Magic School for a year, and I'm a Whitelighter. Hello, triple-threat. Where are you going to find somebody with that kind of experience?
:'''Mitchell''': Good. You can use it to help your next charge.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': Toast?
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Yeah, it helps calm the butterflies.
:'''Paige''': You've been a whitelighter for sixty years and toast is what you got for me?

=== ''Imaginary Fiends'' ===

:'''[[w:Wyatt Halliwell|Future Good Wyatt]]''': Hey, this is Chris? My gosh, he's so small... Hey little brother. Is this before or after he swallowed the marble?
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Marble? What marble?
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Easy on the future information.
:'''Future Good Wyatt''': Of course, you're right.
:'''Piper''': No, but really...what marble?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wyatt''': Ok. But, until we find out ''why'' magic brought me back, we can at least try and enjoy the moment, right?
:'''Piper''': How do you become such an optimist?
:'''Wyatt''': From you, mom  ''(Paige laughs)''
:'''Paige''': Ha!! You must turn over a new leaf on the future... 
:'''Piper''': Don't count on it!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Ok, fine! Then you wouldn't mind ID'ing the demon so we can keep you happy and healthy. ''(Wyatt is reluctant and wants to keep arguing)''
:'''Piper''': Don't make me ground you!!
:'''Wyatt''': all right, all right...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Are you telling me that our child is evil? again?!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Paige, Piper, Phoebe, and Future Wyatt are being attacked by a group of Demons that seem immune to Piper's power)''
:'''Future Wyatt''': Enough! ''(The demons stop)'' Leave my family alone. ''(Fires a powerful energy blast that throws the demons back then disintegrates them, overturning other objects in the attic)''
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Are you all right up there? ''(Piper stares up at Wyatt in amazement)''
:'''Piper''': Oh, yeah! We're fine...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Wyatt Halliwell|Future Evil Wyatt]]''': ''(to little Wyatt)'' You see that book over there? Want you bring it to me? Understand...
:'''[[w:Wyatt Halliwell|Little Wyatt]]''' ''(starts to walk towards the Book. Out from the shadows, Leo steps out and walks over to Little Wyatt.)''
:'''Future Evil Wyatt:''' Come on, Dad. You don't even have any powers.
:'''Leo''': That's right, I don't.
:'''Future Evil Wyatt''': So what are you gonna do? Take away my cookies?
:'''Leo''': I don't need to do anything. You're gonna stop yourself.
:'''Future Evil Wyatt''': That's what I always loved about you, Dad. Such a boundless optimist. 
:'''Leo''': I know you. I'm your father and I know you still have good in your heart.
:'''Future Evil Wyatt''': Now your optimism just sounds pathetic.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Future Evil Wyatt''': Dad, seriously. I don't wanna have to hurt you, but if you get in my way...
:'''Leo''': I don't believe that. ''(Leo looks at Little Wyatt)'' You mind if I come over there for a second, Wyatt?
:'''Future Evil Wyatt''': Stay away from him!
:'''Leo''': Is this your Wuvey?  Could I see him, please?
:'''Future Evil Wyatt''': Get away from him now or I'll kill you!
:'''Leo''': I don't think you will ''(stands up)''
:'''Future Evil Wyatt''': I told you to stop.
:'''Leo''': I was there when you were born, Wyatt. I gave up my powers for you. I tried to change the world for you ... and I would do it again in a heartbeat. You know why? Because I'm your father.
:'''Future Evil Wyatt''': Stop it.
:'''Leo''': You wanna kill me? Go ahead. I gave up my life for you before.
:'''Future Evil Wyatt''': ''(begging)'' Dad, please?
:'''Leo''': Look, I love you. Do you understand what that means?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': I'm very﻿ sorry you went back to college.
:'''Phoebe''': I know, but it's really helping me with my column. And that has absolutely nothing to do with why Wyatt is creating demons.
:'''Piper''': He's not creating demons!
:'''Phoebe''': Let's see, maybe it's a reaction to preschool... Some kind of Freudian transference or something?
:'''Piper''': Mumbo-Jumbo!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''': I'm his father. He is not gonna hurt me.
:'''Phoebe''': No? Ever read Hamlet?
:'''Leo''': Hamlet kills his stepfather.
:'''Phoebe''': Close enough. Freud says that acording to..
:'''Piper''': ''(exasperated with psychology-Phoebe)'' Woman, canned it!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Do you think Wyatt is creating these demons?
:'''Piper''': That's ridiculous!
:'''Paige''': Well, he created the dragons.
:'''Piper''': One! One lousy dragon, and you're gonna hold it against him for his entire life!

=== ''Death Becomes Them'' ===

=== ''Something Wicca This Way Goes?'' ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Those demons do have a way of keeping you warm at night.
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Yeah, but that's only because they have fireballs.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Zankou|Zankou]]''': You can't take them head on. It doesn't work. That's how demons die. Not this demon, not this time.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': I don't think we're getting out of this one, girls.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zankou''': You can't stop me now.
:'''Paige''': Oh yeah?
:'''Piper''': Watch us.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Wasn't there a confidence spell in the Book of Shadows?
:'''Phoebe''': Yeah. Remember, we cast it on that waiter at Quake?
:'''Piper''': Wow. Quake. That was a long time ago.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Darryl Morris|Darryl]]''': Well all right, all right.

== Season 8 ==
TikTok
=== ''Still Charmed and Kicking'' ===

:'''The Brunette''' ''(Phoebe)'': I can't believe how many leprechauns are at my urn. 
:'''Brown-Haired Woman''' ''(Piper)'': They always had the hots for you. 
:'''The Brunette''' ''(Phoebe)'': It's a little creepy, but I guess you can't be too picky when you're dead! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Brunette''' ''(Phoebe)'': '''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''', what are you doing? 
:'''Brown-Haired Woman''' ''(Piper)'': What are ''you'' doing? You can't pick up on a guy at a funeral! 
:'''The Brunette''' ''(Phoebe)'': Why not? It's ''my'' funeral! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The two dark-haired women drag Janice into the kitchen.)''
:'''Janice''' ''(Paige)'':  What is the meaning of this? Do you have any idea who I am? 
:'''The Brunette''' ''(Phoebe)'': Yeah, as a matter of fact we do... ''(She reveals herself to be Phoebe in a glamour.)'' Paige. 
:'''Janice''' ''(Paige)'': I'm sorry, who? 
:'''Brown-Haired Woman''' ''(Piper)'': ''(She reveals herself to be Piper in a glamour.)'' Nice try. The jig's up, sis. 
:'''Janice''' ''(Paige)'': Oh, all right then, fine. ''(She reveals herself to be Paige in a glamour.)'' Well, someone had to cry at my funeral! Didn't they? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''[[w:Billie Jenkins|Billie]]''': ''(about a fireball the demon Elkin is holding.)'' Doesn't that burn your hand?

=== ''Malice in Wonderland'' ===

:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Last year you had a premonition that you would have a daughter which means that this year you have to have a little sex and get pregnant. And since Dex, which coincidentally rhymes with sex, could be the father! 
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': GOD! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Witches don't wear costumes. 
:'''[[w:Billie Jenkins|Billie]]''': So the conical hat and black cape are everyday wear?

=== ''Run Piper, Run'' ===

:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': They think I'm somebody else.
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Well, you are somebody else.
:'''Piper''': I know, but I'm not a fugitive. That's not the alias that I picked, at least not intentionally.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Billie Jenkins|Billie]]''': Can't we vanquish him? 
:'''Piper''': We don't usually vanquish humans. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': I think the only way to save Maya is to get him to confess to the murder somehow. 
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Oh, that happens before or after hell freezes over? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maya''': Sorry I kicked you in the face. 
:'''Billie''': Well, I'm sorry we almost got you killed. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Hurry, get the mattress. 
:'''Paige''': What if it doesn't work? 
:'''Piper''': Well, then it was a bad idea.
:'''Paige''': Mattress!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': Don't worry, we'll have you out of that unflattering color in no time!

=== ''Desperate Housewitches'' ===

:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Knowing how untrained and untethered magic could lean to disaster, the one in Atlantis, being a prime example, The Elders knew they needed to nurture young magic. The Elders knew they needed to nurture young magic... Billie? Billie are you listening to me?
:'''[[w:Billie Jenkins|Billie]]''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, untethered magic, Elders, yeah, yeah, yeah... that.
:'''Leo''': Okay. Listen, if you're gonna take over the fight for the greater good I really don't think it's a bad idea if you... know the history of good magic. Listen, Paige wanted me to teach you something good and I think you kinda make me look bad.
:'''Billie''': Oh, come on, you could be teach me tic-tac toe, she woundn't care. She's just happy you get me of her back for the day.
:'''Leo''': Okay, so... The magical community knew it needed a place to nurture young magic so the Elders created Magic School.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''' ''(talking about Piper making Wyatt a costume for a school play, Piper wants to use magic)'' You wanted a normal life, remember? 
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Yes, but that was before I realized our son was going to be humiliated in front of his entire class! 
:'''Billie''': Oh, that happened to me all the time. Only made me stronger. 
:'''Piper''': And shut it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The Charmed Ones orb into a classroom in Magic School, as demons walk through the corridor.)''
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Billie was right.  It's demon central.
:''(The sisters peek out of the door, and see Leo talking to The Source.)''
:'''Leo''': Just trying to help you with the kid, that's all.
:'''[[w:The Source of All Evil|The Source]]''': Now why don't I believe that?
:'''Piper''': We gotta hurry. Leo's in trouble.
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Yeah, well, how are we going to stop The Source?  We have no potions.
:'''Phoebe''': It's gonna take a lot more than potions.
:'''Paige''': How did you do it last time?
:'''Piper''': Not the same way we gonna do it this time.
:'''Phoebe''': You have a plan?
:'''Piper''': Yeah, and it starts with Mandy.
:''(In the Great Hall, Mandy watches The Source staring at Leo.)''
:'''Mandy''': If you don't trust him, just kill him.  Then we can go on a family outing.  Slaughter a few innocents, have a picnic!
:''(The Source edges towards Leo, and sniffs.)''
:'''The Source''': There's not a drop of evil in him. HE'S NOT A DEMON AT ALL!
:''(He then looks down to see Wyatt standing beside Leo. Leo pulls Wyatt behind him, and The Source looks up at him, gasping in surprise.)''
:'''The Source''': This is too good to be true ... Daddy!
:'''Mandy''': What?!?  Wait...
:''(Suddenly, Mandy faints to the ground, and the possessor demon separates from her.)''
:'''Demon''': What happened?  Who did this?
:'''Piper''': We did.
:''(The Charmed Ones enter the Great Hall.  As they do, The Source turns to them, and Leo grabs Wyatt, both of them heading to a chair and hiding behind it.)''
:'''The Source''': I should have known the Charmed Ones weren't really dead!  Only you've gone soft in my absence. WITHOUT THE HOLLOW, YOU CAN'T HURT ME!
:'''Piper''': Oh really?  Hey, cupcake!
:''(Piper blasts the possessor demon into a wall.  Just as the demon manages to get to her feet, Piper blows her up  The Source yells in agony as he is pulled into a fiery portal, which then explodes and vanishes.)''
:'''Phoebe''': Talk about your ball and chain!
:'''Paige''': I don't really understand.  How did you ...
:'''Piper''': Well, she conjured him, so they're connected. She goes, he goes.
:'''Phoebe''': For eternity now.
:'''Paige''': Okay, well, we probably should get out of here, before any other demons recognise us...
:'''Phoebe''': What are we going to do with her? ''(nodding to Mandy, who is lying unconcsious on the floor)''
:'''Piper''': Oh, come on, we don't need to save her! ''(Phoebe looks at her)'' What?  She's still too perky!

=== ''Rewitched'' ===

:'''[[w:Billie Jenkins|Billie]]''': I was just trying to help
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': How is this helping?
:'''Billie''': I didn't mean for you to get married!
:'''Phoebe''': Well you know what? I did, and I cannot believe you used magic when we specifically told you not to.
:'''Billie''': I thought you just meant demon magic not innocent magic!
:'''Phoebe''': Oh, really and (pointing at dress) this is innocent?!
:'''Billie''': Well, you look fabulous!
:'''Phoebe''': Oh you know what, don't try and butter me up with the compliments missy!
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': ''(running in)'' Are you out of your mind? What did you do now?
:'''Billie''': Do I have start from the beginning again?
:'''Piper''': I can't believe you did this with Agent Murphy watching our very move?
:'''Phoebe''': Skip down, I already went through that with her
:'''Billie''': I still don't know what I did was so bad
:'''Phoebe''': ''(flashes engagement ring)'' THIS! This is what's bad!
:'''Piper''': Wow! That's Huge!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Is this what we've been reduced to? Loveless sex? Pimping?
:'''Piper''': Yes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The Charmed Ones walk through Home Security, people staring at them on their way. The secretary stands up, shocked, as they approach her.)'':
:'''Piper''': Hi, how's it going?  Uh, by any chance, is Agent Murphy in?
:'''Secretary''': Who-who shall I say is calling?
:'''Paige''': Oh, I don't know girls. Maybe we should just ... surprise him!

=== ''Kill Billie Vol. 1'' ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': I'm pregnant.
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': ''(as she collapses onto a sofa)'' Dex?
:'''Phoebe''': No actually, it was some guy that I met at the pumping station ... Yes, of course it's Dex!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Great! Witch vanquishes demon, film at eleven.
:'''[[w:Billie Jenkins|Billie]]''': But the press doesn't even know who I am! That's why I'm the perfect girl for the job. Plus, I wanna do it.
:'''Paige''': Why do you wanna do it?
:'''Billie''': So I can show you guys that I can. Come on! Please? I know I can do this.
:'''Piper''': Fine, but if you get caught on tape I will vanquish you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': Speaking of those problems, I think I have figured out a way to get the press off of our broomsticks... (Three rats crawl next to a wall behind Piper) Holly- We have rats!
:'''Piper''': Yeah, they're everywhere, get used to it. So what's this big solution?
:'''Paige''': Where did they come from?
:'''Piper''': The San Francisco Chronicle, uhm... Daily News and the Inquirer. I found them nosing around the garbage.
:'''Paige''': So you turn them into rodents?
:'''Piper''': Well, I could've blown them up.

=== ''The Lost Picture Show'' ===

=== ''Battle of the Hexes'' ===

:''(In Home Security's warehouse. Phoebe is clearing out some boxes, and Billie walks to her, holding a big belt)''
:'''[[w:Billie Jenkins|Billie]]''': Hey, check this out.
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': ''(turns to Billie, then back to the boxes and then quickly back to Billie again)'' No, no!
:''(Billie puts on the belt, which immediately begins to glow.  Billie is then magically dressed in a blue top, short skirt, brown leather boots and her hair is plaited, making her look like a goddess. Phoebe is astonished.)''
:'''Billie''': Uh, what just happened?
:'''Phoebe''': We're screwed, that's what happened.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Billie and Phoebe are walking down the street. Billie is attracting looks and some wolf-whistles due to her goddess-style clothing.)''
:'''Phoebe''': Typical. Piper has the car, Paige orbs... Does anyone think that Phoebe needs help? No, of course not. Why? Because it's all about them!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': ''(talking about Agent Murphy)'' He can't make us do this on a weekly basis, it's boring.
:'''Phoebe''': Well... if he does, we'll just turn him into a frog or something...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': I'm very busy too. I have dates, lots and lots of dates.
:'''Piper''': Are you trying to get pregnant again?
:'''Phoebe''': No, I'm tryling to find love.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': He's got case files for us.
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': What are we, Charlie's Witches? We don't work for him.
:'''Phoebe''': Apparently he seems to think that. Especially reminding me over and over, he bailed us out of our little jam.
:'''Piper''': That's blackmail.
:'''Phoebe''': No, that's your taxpayers dollars at work.

=== ''Hulkus Pocus'' ===

:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': See, this is what a Krychek demon is supposed to look like.
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Well, maybe the one you guys were following was just a bigger one.
:'''Piper''': No, this wasn't just bigger. This was like going from you to Schwarzenegger.
:'''Phoebe''': That is so weird.
:'''Piper''': Yes, scary weird.
:''(Leo comes out carrying skiing equipment.)''
:'''Piper''': Oh, good, you found the skis!
:'''[[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo]]''': Yeah! But, they're kinda old, though. Maybe we should just rent new ones, you know? ''(He drops the skiing boots)'' Ah! Damnit!
:'''Piper''': Watch your language. Wyatt is picking up everything we say lately.
:'''Phoebe''': I'm gonna get some more coffee. You guys want anything?
:'''Piper''': No, thanks.
:''(Phoebe goes to the kitchen.)''
:'''Piper''': You okay with those?
:'''Leo''': Yes, I got there. Listen, why don't we finish packing? I wanna miss traffic, okay?
:'''Piper''': I know, I'm gonna. I just, I need to talk to agent Murphy first about this demon of his.
:'''Leo''': Piper...
:'''Piper''': What? I- I can't just let it go. Can I?
:'''Leo''': Yes, you can. C'mon, when are we the last time had weekend together, alone?
:'''Piper''': I know, and I promise, nothing is gonna stop that from happening, I promise, but I… just kind need to talk him first.
:'''Leo''': Well, why… can't Billie talk to him?
:''(Paige walks in.)''
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': You guys, I can not find Billie anywhere. She's not answering. Maybe we could just get her pager?
:'''Piper''': Well, just keep trying.
:'''Phoebe''' ''(back from the kitchen)'': Oh, Paige! Henry called for you last night.
:'''Paige''': Why? What'd he want?
:'''Phoebe''': Uh, I don't know, but I'm pretty sure he wants, you.
:'''Paige''': That's ridiculous.
:'''Piper''': Why? Don't you like him?
:'''Paige''': No!
:'''Phoebe''': Really? Then why is your face turning red?
:'''Paige''': It's not turning red, I probably just put too much blush on.
:'''Leo''': It's… kinda turning red.
:''(Piper chuckles.)''
:'''Piper''': Ok, why don't you and me ''(points to Phoebe)'' go see what the government's not telling us? And I'll be right back, I swear. ''(She kisses Leo, then heads for the door with Phoebe.)''
:'''Paige''': Hey, don't you have a lunch date?
:'''Phoebe''': I canceled. I'm taking a little hiatus.
:'''Paige''': From lunch?
:'''Phoebe''': From men.
:''(Piper and Phoebe leave.)''
:'''Paige''': Okay. Come on, Billie. ''(Calls Billie again.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': Billie, finally.
:'''Henry''': Hi, how are you doing?
:'''Paige''': Henry, what are you doing here?
:'''Henry''': I need your help.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Billie Jenkins|Billie]]''': Look, Paige already gave the &quot;what were you thinking&quot; speech so...
:'''Piper''': So? What were you thinking?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': Did I miss something?
:'''Phoebe''': Nothing.
:'''Piper''': A lot. See ya!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Just so you know, I know what you're trying to do and it's not gonna work.
:'''Piper''': Okay, just so you know, I know what you're trying to do and I will be relentless.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hulk-Billie attacks Phoebe and Piper. Piper gestures to freeze her, not knowing that it's Billie.)''
:'''Phoebe''': No Piper, it's Billie! No, no, you might blow her up. ''((Billie hurls a table and jumps over the sofa)'' Okay, blow her up!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Piper, Phoebe and Paige transform into Hulk-like creatures.)''
:'''Leo''': Holy crap!
:'''Hulk Piper''': Language! ''(She sends him flying over the attic)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': If you guys will excuse me, I'm gonna go check on little Ramon.
:'''Piper''': Don't you mean Henry?
:'''Paige''': No, I mean Ramon.
:'''Phoebe''': Kiss him for me.
:'''Paige''': Henry?
:'''Phoebe''': No, Ramon!
:'''Paige''': Oh, okay.

=== ''Vaya Con Leos'' ===

:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': I have to lose you to save you.

=== ''Mr. and Mrs. Witch'' ===

:'''[[w:Billie Jenkins|Billie]]''': What is going on?
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Piper, what do you put in the food?
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Food was in the food, thank you.
:'''Phoebe''': Bu-but, how do you explain this?!
:'''Piper''': But don't look at me. She's the one who said assassins!
:'''Billie''': It was a figure of speech!
:'''Piper''': Well, apparently not!

=== ''Payback's a Witch'' ===
TikTok
'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''':  I have enough to do without worrying about who you're torturing in the attic!

=== ''Repo Manor'' ===

:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Anyone down here? Big box on high heels. I need some help.
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Just a sec. Ah, sorry, do you need help?
:'''Phoebe''': Well, I did. Now I just need a sec.
:'''Piper''': Okay, well since I have you...
:'''Phoebe''': Um...Piper, I'm kinda running late. I have to go sign the loan docs and I wanna stop by the condo before work...
:'''Piper''': Loan docs? Wow, I didn't realize this was moving along so quickly. But, you know I've been so focused on getting Leo back.
:'''Phoebe''': Yeah, I know.
:'''Piper''': But, I have made a list of seers and oracles and anyone that might be able to foresee who we have to fight in order to get him back.
:'''Phoebe''': Great, ok. Call me if you find anything.
:'''Piper''': Well, I was thinking...I was thinking that maybe you should take my Jeep, because in my car hold so much more than yours does, doesn't it?
:'''Phoebe''': Right. Piper, are you sure you're okay with me moving out?
:'''Piper''': Yeah, of course I am. I mean we can't be roommates forever, that's just weird.
:'''Phoebe''': Ok, well. Here I go.
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Oh, what I am gonna do? I'm supposed to have a date with Henry tonight and he is in the worst mood. He's lost his car keys, he's lost his wallet, he locked himself out of his apartment, and I need him to be in a good mood for that I wanna do tonight.
:'''Piper''': We aren't talking about sex, are we?
:'''Paige''': No, we aren't talking about sex. I finally screwed up my courage to tell him...you know that I'm witch and I feel like I have to do it tonight otherwise I might wuss out, and I really need to know that he is okay with who I am. You do this a lot, Pheebs, got any advice?
:'''Phoebe''': Well, hope he doesn't faint. No, I don't know, I mean, I haven't any success with these things. Just ease into it, try to lessen the blow.
:'''Paige''': Okay, how?
:'''Phoebe''': Maybe call some reinforcements, maybe ask some of your magical friends to help him to have a better day so you can have a better night?
:'''Paige''': Like fairies, or something?
:'''Phoebe''': Sure, fairies, leprechauns, whatever. Good luck.
:'''Piper''': Uh, Pheebs?
:'''Phoebe''': Uh-huh?
:'''Piper''': Oh, I was actually hoping that you can help me to let down the list a little bit before you go.
:'''Phoebe''': Oh, Piper, I'm really late.
:'''Piper''': Oh, okay. Well you know, it's just Leo. Really come on, all I need is one little premonition. How hard can it be?
:'''Phoebe''': Ok. ''(She put the box down.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paige''': Hey, Henry.
:'''Henry''': Yeah?
:'''Paige''': Guess what?
:'''Henry''': What?
:'''Paige''': I like you.
:'''Henry''': Hey, Paige. Guess what?
:'''Paige''': What?
:'''Henry''': I like you, too. ''(they kiss)''
:'''Henry''': I'm telling you, this day is getting more better than he started.
:'''Paige''': Yeah, so far.
:'''Henry''': Why you keep say things like that? What do you have to tell me? Come on, it can't be that bad. Rooftop picnic, starlight, candle. Wait, wait I wanna guess first. Hold on. Let me see. You used to be a man before. No, that's not true, right? Good. Come on. Tell me. What is it?
:'''Paige''': I don't think you're gonna like it.
:'''Henry''': Try me.
:'''Paige''': Have you ever wondered about the kind of...strange things that happen...with me and kind of since you've known me? Like, why was I there, trying to help your parolee? How I found that baby's father so quickly?
:'''Henry''': How'd you get that guy to tell the truth?
:'''Paige''': How'd you get shot and miraculously survive? And, even little things like today. Finding your keys, and your wallet, and then there's that winning the 10,000 dollars thing which you probably give to charity, because, you know that's...
:'''Henry''': Okay, okay...What are you trying to tell me Paige?
:'''Paige''': Do you believe in magic?
:'''Henry''': I...I don't know...I don't think about it much. Why?
:'''Paige''': I think it's time you did. ''(she waves her hand)'' Lights. I'm doing that right now.
:'''Henry''': How?
:'''Paige''': I'm a witch. I have powers. Uh, I can make these kind of things happen. I am not a kind of witch that rides around on broomsticks, or the hat, or the little black cat. That sort of thing. I use my powers for good. I help people. And this is not going well, and I can see...how  completely scared off you are from me. The door is right there and that won't hurt my feelings.
:'''Henry''': Paige?
:'''Paige''': What?
:'''Henry''': Look at me. I am not afraid.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''': Hang on. There is just one more.
:'''Phoebe''': Really? I thought I took all the boxes.
:'''Piper''': Well, this one is kind of all together for you just in case you need more plants or potion vials or crystals or you know clippings of The Book of Shadows just in case.
:'''Phoebe''': Just in case that demon attacks.
:'''Piper''': Yes. Don't laugh. It's gonna happen and you know that. And when it does, you are gonna be, alone.
:'''Phoebe''': Piper, I am just moving into town. You know, it's not that far away.
:'''Piper''': Yes, but it's not at the end of hall.
:'''Phoebe''': That's true. You know, if you don't want me to go...
:'''Piper''': No. You gotta go. You know, there is some blond chick go to sleep in your room. I am just a little sad. But I can be little sad.
:'''Phoebe''': Absolutely. I am sad, too.
:'''Piper''': It's just, you know, there have been a lot of changes.
:'''Phoebe''': You know this always will be my home, right? And that will never change. This is family. 
:'''Piper''': Yes. Ok. You gotta go.
:'''Phoebe''': See ya.
:''(Phoebe goes and closes the door, leaves Piper alone.)''

=== ''12 Angry Zen'' ===

:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''':  So I take it that you guys heard about chicken.
:'''Dog''':  Rooster. And yes, we sensed it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Demons are fighting in the Halliwell Manor)''
:'''Dog''':  Go! Protect the staff! 
:'''Piper''': What about my house?!
:'''Dog''': Only the staff matters. Go!

=== ''The Last Temptation of Christy'' ===

:'''Simon''' ''(to Phoebe)'' My goodness you're fetching!
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': That is so sweet.
:'''Simon''': But you are not half-whitelighter, which is requisite for my future mate, so sorry to disappoint you. But you on the other hand are...
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Did you just say future mate?
:'''Simon''': No! No, that was..It came out wrong apologies.
:'''Paige''': Ok, here's the deal, we're actually super super busy right now, so it'll be fabulous if you could just orb yourself off now.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simon''': Immortal? Very impressive.
:'''Paige''': ''(in british voice)'' No....Not immortal...''(Normal voice)'' A mortal! As in non-magical!

=== ''Engaged and Confused'' ===

=== ''Generation Hex'' ===

=== ''The Torn Identity'' === 

=== ''The Jung and the Restless'' ===

:''(Piper and Paige are walking down the staircase in the Manor.)''
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': Did she say what she wanted?
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': She just said she wanted to speak to us.
:'''Piper''': This could very well be a trap.  Did she call Phoebe?
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Yeah, she did.
:''(Piper and Paige turn to see Phoebe, and begin to walk towards her.)''
:'''Piper''': Well, at the risk of your wrath, I'm going to tell you that this could be a very bad idea.
:'''Phoebe''': I know, but please, let's just listen to what Billie has to say.
:'''Piper''': I just spoke with an Elder, and she confirmed that those two could be very big trouble for us.
:'''Paige''': What?
:'''Piper''': She wasn't 100% sure, but it is a possibility, which means sooner or later ...
:''(Grey smoke begins to rise from the floor.  The three sisters turn to see the smoke fade to reveal Billie.)''
:'''Piper''': You know, considering you want to kill us, maybe you should use the front door.
:'''[[w:Billie Jenkins|Billie]]''': I don't want to kill you Piper, I just want to find out the truth.
:'''Phoebe''': Well, how do we help you find that?
:'''Billie''': Like this.
:''(Billie throws a potion vial, which smashes at the sisters' feet.  White smoke rises and flows into their bodies, and the sisters fall to the floor.  Grey smoke rises up from the floor again beside Billie, which fades to reveal Christie, who stands beside her sister.)''
:'''Billie''': You promise not to hurt them, right?
:'''[[w:Christy Jenkins|Christy]]''': Not until you see what you need to see.

=== ''Gone with the Witches'' ===

:''(Piper is standing at the Book of Shadows with a notepad.  As she searches through the book, Grams' ring suddenly appears on her finger.)''
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': ''(gasps as she notices the ring)'' Oh crap.
:''(She then transforms into an old-fashioned housewife, wearing a blue polka-dot dress with apron, deep red lipstick and ponytailed hair.  She then notices that a chair seat has been ripped.)''
:'''Piper''': This place is a mess.
:''(She then moves out of the attic at superspeed.)''

=== ''Kill Billie Vol. 2'' ===

:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''': Watch it, guys! Wait for me. This thing's heavy.
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': We gotta keep moving.
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': I think we're going in circles because this looks very familiar.
:'''Paige''': Yeah, it looks the same to me too.
:'''Piper''': Well, of course it does. It's the Underworld. It all looks the same. How many looks can they come up with?
:'''Paige''': No wonder they wanna take over our world. This is ugly.
:'''Phoebe''': They've already taken our world. That's why we're stuck down here. We gotta do something. Come on!
:'''Piper''': I'm open to suggestions.
:'''Phoebe''': Maybe we should talk to the leprechauns again?
:'''Paige''': No, I've had it with the leprechauns.
:'''Piper''': I think they made their allegiance pretty clear.
:'''Phoebe''': They wouldn't even give us a chance to explain.
:'''Piper''': I don't think it would have mattered. Billie and Christy have everybody thinking that we're the threat.
:'''Phoebe''': We gotta get out of here.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Christy Jenkins|Christy]]''': Where'd everyone go?
:'''[[w:Billie Jenkins|Billie]]''': Oh, I sent them home. I thought they'd be safer away from us.
:'''Christy''': But we might need their help. The sisters...
:'''Billie''': Are gonna come after us, I know. But it's not the magical community's fight. It's ours. It's our destiny.
:'''Christy''': Here we go again.
:'''Billie''': No, don't worry. I know it's the right thing, and it's all for the greater good, but it doesn't mean I have to like it.
:'''Christy''': Look, Billie, I know this is hard for you. Okay? But it'll all be over soon. I promise.
:'''Billie''': Don't be so sure. I mean, we came after them with our best shot and they still got away.
:'''Christy''': Yeah, but barely.
:'''Billie''': It just makes me think maybe we don't have enough to go up against them. They aren't the most powerful witches of all time for nothing.
:'''Christy''': But we're not slouches either. Besides, we don't know what would have happened. They got away before our best shot hit them. You know, Dumain thinks we should use vanquishing potions next time.
:'''Billie''': Vanquishing potions?
:'''Christy''': You wrote down their most powerful ones. If we catch them off guard they won't stand a chance against us.
:''(Coop apears)''
:'''Coop''': Billie? What are you guys doing here?
:'''Billie''': Oh, it's a long story.
:'''Coop''': Oh, what happened?
:'''Christy''': That's what we're still trying to figure out. So, what brings you here?
:'''Coop''': I'm looking for Phoebe. I can't find her anywhere.
:'''Christy''': When's the last time you saw her?
:'''Coop''': Last night at her loft. Someone put her under a spell and... You know what? Never mind. If you see her, tell her I'm looking for her.
:'''Christy''': Absolutely. And you do the same. We're looking for her too.
:''(Coop disappears)''
:'''Billie''': Wait, he said she was under a spell.
:'''Christy''': So?
:'''Billie''': So Phoebe said the same thing. That makes me wonder...
:'''Christy''': She'll say anything to save herself. So will he. Come on. We have a potion to make.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Okay, do it.
:'''Piper''': Okay, we can't keep playing ''Survivor: Underworld'' much longer.
:'''Phoebe''': What are we gonna do?
:'''Paige''': How about we just orb home?
:'''Phoebe''': No, it's too risky. Billie and Christy will be waiting for us. And their new friends.
:'''Paige''': Okay, well, we gotta do something fast because word is gonna get around that we're down here.
:'''Piper''': She's right. We can't fend off demons forever. We need a plan.
:'''Paige''': Maybe just give up?
:'''Piper''': What?
:'''Paige''': What? It's just that every time we go out and try to get a life, meet people, do new things, we seem to wind up back in these kind of lame positions. Giving up is not such a bad idea, is it?
:'''Phoebe''': No, I'm not giving up. Not now and not after I finally found someone I could see having a future with. Look, if we want our lives and Leo back... we're gonna have to fight.
:'''Paige''': Fight Billie and Christy.
:'''Phoebe''': Exactly.
:'''Piper''': Are you sure you can do it? I mean, really do it? Can you kill them?
:'''Phoebe''': Yeah, they're no different than demons now. Not after all of this.
:'''Piper''': Look out!
:'''Paige''': Energy ball!
:'''Piper''': Go, go, go!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coop''': Nobody will ever love your daughter more than me, ever. I promise you that.
:'''[[w:Victor Bennett|Victor]]''': What do you know about love?
:'''Coop''': I'm a Cupid!
:'''Victor''': Well that doesn't mean squat unless you've had your heart broken. Have you had your heart broken?
:'''Coop''': No.
:'''Victor''': Then you don't know about love, believe me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Billie''': We've been waiting for you.
:'''Paige''': Well, your wait is over.
:''(The five girls glare at each other)''
:'''Piper''': No potions, huh?
:'''Christy''': We don't need any potions.
:'''Phoebe''': Funny. Neither do we.
:'''Piper''': I know we should never trusted you.
:'''Christy''': You should have followed your instincts.
:'''Piper''': Next time.
:'''Billie''': There won't BE a next time.
:''(They stare at each other for a beat and then shoot their powers at each other, causing the manor to explode.)''
:''(The Angel of Destiny returns with Leo.)''
:'''Angel of Destiny''': ''(looks around)'' The Battle is over........But not as I expected. ''(vanishes)''

=== ''Forever Charmed'' ===
:'''Patty''': It's okay mom, you just fainted.
:'''Grams''': Well of ''course'' I fainted, your ''dead''!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe]]''': Are you getting any of this?
:'''[[w:Paige Matthews|Paige]]''':  Whatever...as long as we're alive again that's all I care about. Plus, it's really nice to see you guys again!
:'''[[w:Patty Halliwell|Patty]]''': Actually, we've never met.
:'''Paige''': Yes, we have, but you were ghost. ''(the look on Patty's face suddenly changed)'' Oh, does she know?
:'''[[w:Penny Halliwell|Grams]]''': Yes, we know, we're both dead by now. We're over it.
:'''Patty''': Speak for yourself.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': Wait, you guys went to the future, too?
:'''Paige''': We sure did miss a lot when we were dead.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Coop flashes in.)''
:'''Coop''': ''(to Piper)'' Hey... ''(he turns and sees Phoebe.)'' Phoebe?
:'''Phoebe''': Hi.
:'''Coop''': Thanks a lot for telling me she's alive.
:''(Piper tosses Coop's ring to him.)'' 
:'''[[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper]]''': You're welcome.
:'''[[w:Wyatt Halliwell|Adult Wyatt]]''': ''(surprised)'' Uncle Coop!
:''(Adult Chris immediately hits Wyatt in the arm to shut him up)
:'''Phoebe''': Uncle Coop?! What!? ''(she stutters stunned as Chris shakes his head at Wyatt who covers his mouth.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Patty''': Now, this is our grandson Wyatt… ooh, so handsome!
:'''[[w:Victor Bennett|Victor]]''': But I-I'm… I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm so confused.
:'''Patty''': Ah, you'll get over it. I did.
:'''Victor''': Where did you come from.
:'''Patty''': 1975. How do I look?
:'''Victor''': … Didn't anyone tell her, we're divorced?
:''(Patty stops smiling.)''
:'''Patty''': What?
:'''Victor''': You dumped me, for your Whitelighter.
:'''Patty''': Sam?
:'''Victor''': Yeah, Sam! Paige's father!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Piper and Grams are mixing up a potion. The smoke from the latest ingredient added seems to be somewhat light.)''
:'''Grams''': That's not nearly enough.
:'''Piper''': I think I know how to do it after all this time.
:'''Paige''': It's Billie and Christy. They're not demons.
:'''Grams''': Well, they might as well be after all you've told me, which means we can't take any chances. ''(pauses)'' I can't get over how big this book has gotten. I'm so proud of you girls.
:'''Piper''': Then why won't you let me stir?
:''(Someone knocks on the door.)''
:'''Grams''': Uh, Piper, why don't you get that?
:'''Piper''': Paige, why don't ''you'' get that?
:'''Paige''': Okay, I'll get that. ''(rolls eyes)''
:''(She goes to open the door and finds Henry.)''
:'''Paige''': Hey! What are you doing here?
:'''Henry''': What am I doing here? I'm looking for my wife. She didn't come home last night. Are you okay?
:'''Paige''': Yes, I'm okay! Of course I'm okay! I mean, we weren't &quot;okay&quot; okay, but now we're okay and in the future I think we're gonna be... I think we're gonna be more than okay.
:'''Henry''': ''(stares blankly)'' Okay.
:'''Grams''': Don't tell me she marries a Whitelighter too.
:'''Piper''': Worse. A mortal.
:'''Grams''': Oh, good God. Didn't I teach you girls anything?
:'''Piper''': Hey, what can I say? There's always Uncle Coop!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dumain''': No!
:'''Piper''': Oh, yes! ''(blows up present and past Dumain.)''
:'''[[w:Christy Jenkins|Christy]]''':  I don't understand!  How could this happen?
:'''Piper''':  Billie projected us here.
:'''Paige''':  By focusing on you.
:'''Piper''':  Paige?
:'''Paige''': ''(holds hand out)'' Ring! ''(Coop's ring orbs off Christy's finger and into Paige's hand)''
:'''Christy''': ''(glaring at Billie)'' How could you?!?
:'''[[w:Billie Jenkins|Billie]]''':  Christy, please... It's over. Just come home.
:''(Christy launches a fireball at Billie and the Charmed Ones, but Billie deflects it back, destroying Christy. Billie starts crying)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Piper''':  Well, we changed the past, fixed the future and saved the present. That's all.
:'''Victor''': What was that?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phoebe and Paige are sitting down at the table when Piper joins them with the Book of Shadows.)''
:'''Paige''': Don't tell me we have to go fight a demon.
:'''Piper''': No, ''(sighs)'' I don't think we'll have to do that anytime soon.
:'''Phoebe''': Then what's with the book?
:'''Piper''': Well, I think we should write everything down. Everything that happened, everything we want future generations to know, so we can pass it down. Just like it was passed down to us.
:'''Paige''': ''(looks at Piper, then turns to Phoebe)'' After you.
:''(Piper gives the book to Phoebe, who turns it to the first empty page, somewhere in the middle of the book, and starts writing. This is the final dialogue heard between the Charmed Ones before the writing begins, along with the following flash-forward voice-over into the future that finally ends the show.)''
:'''Phoebe''' (''voice-over''): So much has happened over the last 8 years. So much has been gained and lost. Still, in some ways I feel like my life is really just beginning... and it was. For though I had loved before, I'd never really known love until I met Coop. A man who I shared the special little girl I had long ago foreseen, but feared I might never have. Along with two other special little girls I had not foreseen. I was suddenly so blessed to have a new family of my own, and old friends to share it with. And though I kept working and giving advice to those who asked, I was more interested in helping them find love. Since finally, having been loved.
:'''Paige''' (''voice-over''): Phoebe had become somewhat of an expert on the subject. As for me, life without demons opened up similar avenues. Henry, of course, continued to look after his parolees, even if they didn’t want to be looked after. While still making time to help me with little Henry and the twins, which allowed me time to finally embrace my inner Whitelighter. And to help the next generation of witches come into their own.
:'''Piper''' (''voice-over''): So that Paige could pass on all that she learned. Not just to her own children, or to mine, or to Phoebe’s, but to other future witches and whitelighters as well. Which filled the time between when we were doing the fighting and when our kids were old enough to take over. Allowing me time to get back to my roots and cook something other than potions for once. And open the restaurant I'd always dreamed of owning. As for Leo, after we reclaimed magic school he went back to teaching. Which he continued to do, until it was time to retire. And although we certainly had our struggles…
:'''Old Piper''': ''(50 years later, finishes reading the Book of Shadows to her granddaughter)'' …and heartaches over the years, we’re a family of survivors and we will always be. Which is why we've truly been Charmed.
:'''Granddaughter''': Again Grandmama, again.
:'''Old Piper''': Oh, dear. No, I can’t. I need to rest. But you can look at it for a little while if you’d like, hmmm? ''(She kisses her head and stands up. Old Leo waits nearby.)'' After all, it’ll be yours one day.

== Cast ==

''Main''
*'''[[w:Holly Marie Combs|Holly Marie Combs]]''' - [[w:Piper Halliwell|Piper Halliwell]]
*'''[[w:Alyssa Milano|Alyssa Milano]]''' - [[w:Phoebe Halliwell|Phoebe Halliwell]]
*'''[[w:Rose McGowan|Rose McGowan]]''' - [[w:Paige Matthews|Paige Matthews]] ''(Seasons 4-8)'' 
*'''[[w:Shannen Doherty|Shannen Doherty]]''' - [[w:Prue Halliwell|Prudence Halliwell]] ''(Seasons 1-3)''

''Supporting''
*'''[[w:Brian Krause|Brian Krause]]''' - [[w:Leo Wyatt|Leo Wyatt]]
*'''[[w:Dorian Gregory|Dorian Gregory]]''' - [[w:Charmed#Darryl Morris|Darryl Morris]] ''(Seasons 1-7)'' 
*'''[[w:Julian McMahon|Julian McMahon]]''' - [[w:Cole Turner|Cole Turner]] / [[w:Belthazor|Belthazor]] ''(Seasons 3-5, Guest Star Season 7)''
*'''[[w:Drew Fuller|Drew Fuller]]''' - [[w:Chris Halliwell|Chris Halliwell]] ''(Season 6, Recurring Seasons 5, 7 &amp; 8)''
*'''[[w:Ted King|T.W. King]]''' - [[w:Charmed#Andy Trudeau|Andy Trudeau]] ''(Season 1)'' 
*'''[[w:Greg Vaughan|Greg Vaughan]]''' - [[w:Charmed#Dan and Jenny Gordon|Dan Gordon]] ''(Season 2)'' 
*'''[[w:Karis Paige Bryant|Karis Paige Bryant]]''' - [[w:Charmed#Dan and Jenny Gordon|Jenny Gordon]] ''(Season  2)''
*'''[[w:Kaley Cuoco|Kaley Cuoco]]''' - [[w:Billie Jenkins|Billie Jenkins]] ''(Season 8)''

''Recurring''
*'''[[w:Jennifer Rhodes|Jennifer Rhodes]]''' - [[w:Penelope Halliwell|Penelope &quot;Grams&quot; Halliwell]]
*'''[[w:Finola Hughes|Finola Hughes]]''' - [[w:Patricia Halliwell|Patricia &quot;Patty&quot; Halliwell]]
*'''[[w:James Read|James Read]]''' - [[w:Charmed#List of Charmed family and friends|
Victor Bennett]] ''(Seasons 3-8)''
*'''[[w:Scott Jaeck|Scott Jaeck]]''' - [[w: Sam Wilder|Sam Wilder]] ''(Seasons 2, 5 &amp; 8)''
*'''[[w:Rebecca Balding|Rebecca Balding]]''' - [[w:Charmed#List of Charmed family and friends|
Elise Rothman]] ''(Seasons 1,2 4-8)''
*'''[[w:Sandra Prosper|Sandra Prosper]]''' - [[w:Charmed#List of Charmed family and friends|
Sheila Morris]] ''(Seasons 5-7)''
*'''[[w:Wes Ramsey|Wes Ramsey]]''' - [[w:Wyatt Matthew Halliwell (Charmed)|Wyatt Halliwell]] ''(Seasons 5-8)''

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{imdb title|id=0158552|title=Charmed}}
*[http://charmed.qanet.de/en/ Charmed Quote Database]

[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:1990s American drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American drama TV shows]]
[[Category:American fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:WB shows]]
[[Category:TV shows about families]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Passions</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>15263</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147835</id>
      <parentid>2900474</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T22:13:12Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* External links */ r/m Template:Tv.com show</comment>
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      <text bytes="12146" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
{{for|the emotional sentiment|Passion}}
{{tv-cleanup}}
'''''[[w:Passions|Passions]]''''' (1999–2008) was an American soap opera.  It aired weekdays on NBC.

==[[w:Hank Bennett|Hank Bennett]]==

''[Hank is shocked to hear Luis speak nice things about Sheridan]''
:'''Hank''':  &quot;Are you sure there wasn't a pod next to your bed this morning?&quot;


:'''[[w:Sheridan Crane|Sheridan]]''':  &quot;I just ran into him in the locker room... he had just gotten out of the shower.&quot;
:'''Hank''':  &quot;Oh...&quot;
:'''Sheridan''':  &quot;It was an accident... I was just looking for some sugar.&quot;
:'''Hank''':  &quot;Did you find it?&quot;

==[[w:Jessica Bennett (Passions character)|Jessica Bennett]]==

* You can't give up on Charity, Miguel. Would Leonardo give up on Kate? Would Ross give up on Rachel? Would Bo give up on Hope?

==[[w:Kay Bennett|Kay Bennett]]==

* ''[Kay has second thoughts about being good]'' Miguel is going to be mine no matter what I have to do! Charity, be damned! As God as my witness, I'll never be good again!

==[[w:Noah Bennett|Noah Bennett]]==

* Esme?  What kind of name is that?  Forgot who I was talking to.  To someone named ''Fancy'', ''Esme'' actually sounds kind of normal.

==[[w:Sam Bennett|Sam Bennett]]==

* Is Ethan really my son? I'm not going to rest until I know for sure. Maybe there's a clue on the Internet.

==[[w:Alistair Crane|Alistair Crane]]==

* It's a sad day in America when the Cranes can't subvert government policy.
* ''[Luis and Sam have again accused Alistair of a crime with no proof]'' You'll have to excuse me. I've heard all of this empty huffing and puffing before.

==[[w:Fancy Crane|Fancy Crane]]==

* ''[to Alistair]'' Grampy! (repeated line)
* ''[to Ivy]'' Hi, Mummy!  I'm home!
* It's hard getting a license when you're underage.  Plus, I kept forgetting that the states have speed limits.  In parts of Europe they don't, you know.
* ''[Fancy comes to a realization after Alistair's marriage to Theresa]'' Oh, my God.  You're my step-''grandmother''!&quot;
* ''[Noah insults Fancy]'' Oh, go suck an egg.
* ''[Noah suggests that it would kill Fancy if he were to sleep with Esme]'' Yes!  No!  Of course not, you arrogant boar.  I couldn't care less who you sleep with, as long as it's not me.
* ''[to Esme]'' If you're expecting anything more from Romeo here, I wouldn't get your hopes up.  He was just telling me he's not a gigolo.
* 'Escort', 'friend', 'tour guide' - they're all euphemisms for 'gigolo', Noah.
* ''[disgusted by Esme's attitude towards Noah]'' This is sick!  You're taking advantage of a poor schlub who has to help pay his father's mortgage ''and'' has to find even more money to help pay his whacked-out sister's therapy fees.
* ''[Esme can't seem to remember Noah's name]'' It's Noah!  Remember?  The ark?  All the animals?
* ''[Noah insults Fancy]'' You're a jerkface.

:'''Fancy''': There's got to be some way I can get [Noah and me] some money.
:'''[[w:Liz Sanbourne|Liz]]''': Most people ''work'' for it.
:'''Fancy''': Yeah, but that takes too long unless you can start at the top somewhere.

==[[w:Fox Crane|Fox Crane]]==

:'''[[w:Rebecca Osborn|Rebecca]]''':  &quot;I was under the impression that you didn't like your mommy very much.&quot;
:'''Fox''':  &quot;Maybe so, but I don't want her to frozen stiff like Jack Nicholson in ''The Shining''.&quot;
:- March 2003


:'''[[w:Julian Crane|Julian]]''':  &quot;You are no son of mine!&quot;
:'''Fox''':  &quot;Well, given this family's history, I wouldn't be surprised if you're right.&quot;


:'''[[w:Gwen Hotchkiss|Gwen]]''':  &quot;What are you going to do? Just sit here drinking like a playboy?&quot;
:'''Fox''':  &quot;I have to keep my strength up.  Grandfather promised me women!&quot;
:- March 2005

==[[w:Julian Crane|Julian Crane]]==

* Oh my God! I think it's the remains of Grace's tomato soup cake!


:'''[[w:Ivy Winthrop|Ivy]]''':  &quot;You know, there is an old Chinese proverb that says, 'Man who talks with fake Chinese accent, man with something to hide.'&quot;
:'''Julian''':  &quot;There's another Chinese proverb that says 'Wife like you can go to HELL'.&quot;


:'''Julian''':  &quot;Theresa looked delectable today!&quot;
:'''[[w:Ethan Winthrop|Ethan]]''':  Really?  I didn't notice.&quot;
:'''Julian''':  &quot;You should check into that new laser eye surgery.&quot;


:'''[[w:Sheridan Crane|Sheridan]]''':  &quot;Beth is our half-sister.&quot;
:'''Julian''':  &quot;Come again?&quot;
:'''[[w:Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald|Luis]]''':  &quot;Beth is Alistair's daughter.&quot;
:'''Julian''':  &quot;You mean Alistair and Edna Wallace...?&quot;
:'''[[w:Eve Johnson|Eve]]''':  &quot;Oh, my God.&quot;
:'''Julian''':  &quot;That smelly old crone?&quot;
:'''[[w:Sam Bennett|Sam]]''':  &quot;Happened a long time ago. You know, evidently, Edna was quite a dish in the day.&quot;
:'''Julian''':  &quot;Well, she's past her expiration date now.&quot;
:- June 2005


* I'm paying you to represent the woman I love, not my wife.
* ''[prepares to leave Ethan's ICU room]'' Theresa, why don't you come with me?  You don't belong here.

==[[w:Sheridan Crane|Sheridan Crane]]==

:'''[[w:Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald|Luis]]''':  &quot;Why do you have to be such a smart-ass?&quot;
:'''Sheridan''':  &quot;When I'm around you, ''someone'' has to be smart.

* ''[Chris has just shot the hitman]'' ''[to James]'' Sorry, sweetheart, the bad man's in heaven now.

==Reese Durkee==

* Not even the Internet can save us now!

==Hecuba==

* ''[to Timmy]'' Do you remind yourself of anyone?  I'll give you a hint.  He was made of wood by a weirdo named Gepetto.

==[[w:Gwen Hotchkiss|Gwen Hotchkiss]]==

* What do I have to do to get you to admit what's going on here, Ethan? Walk in on you and Theresa in bed making love? What's she going to tell me then, huh? That she was just fluffing your pillows and just happened to slip underneath you?
* Theresa, a marriage - I mean, a real marriage, between a man and a woman, isn't about one person's needs.  It's about doing selfless sacrifices for one another, no matter how hard it is.

==[[w:Tabitha Lenox|Tabitha Lenox]]==

* Lucy Ricardo caused less havoc when she was smuggling cheese back from Europe!
* What on Earth has you guzzling Martimmies at this time of day - and out of a shaker no less?
* Blast that interfering next door neighbor of mine, Grace Bennett!
* I've had enough of the Don King routine, Timmy. Do something with your hair.
* Oh the mortals these days! Using their Internet, email, cell phones, and text messaging, whatever the hell that is...

==[[w:Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald|Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald]]==

:'''[[w:Sheridan Crane|Sheridan]]''':  &quot;Aren't you freezing out here without your coat on?&quot;
:'''Luis''':  &quot;I was just gonna go out and chop some fire wood... It's one of two things you can do in this kinda weather to keep warm.&quot;
:'''Sheridan''':  &quot;What's the other?&quot;
:'''Luis''':  &quot;Oh... it's a guy joke.&quot;

==[[w:Miguel Lopez-Fitzgerald|Miguel Lopez-Fitzgerald]]==

:''[Miguel is exasperated by the fact that Charity keeps seeing her &quot;doomed&quot; future in her tea leaves]''
:'''Miguel''':  &quot;Why don't you switch to tea bags from now on?&quot;

:'''[[w:Eve Johnson|Eve]]''':  &quot;Is Charity having premonitions again?&quot;
:'''Miguel''':  &quot;No, it's worse.  She broke up with me.&quot;

==[[w:Pilar Lopez-Fitzgerald|Pilar Lopez-Fitzgerald]]==

:'''Pilar''':  &quot;...And you, Martin, you better start honoring your commitment to me and to our family and to our children, or I swear, I will chop off what you can't seem to control!&quot;
:'''[[w:Martin Fitzgerald|Martin]]''':  &quot;I've never heard you talk this way.&quot;
:'''Pilar''':  &quot;Because I'm not the little - desperate housewife that you abandoned any more. I've learned to stand up for myself. I'm not going to settle with you in my bed while your heart lays with Katherine. Get over her! Get over her once and for all. And never take her side over mine again.
:- 2005

==[[w:Theresa Lopez-Fitzgerald|Theresa Lopez-Fitzgerald]]==

* I've lost the only man worth dieting for!
* ''[to Whitney]'' What do you think? If you allow yourself to have feelings for some guy, your arm will just fall off and you'll never play tennis again?

==[[w:Rebecca Osborn|Rebecca Osborn]]==

* Seeing you like that, Pilar, reminds me of an old TV show. &quot;The Jeffersons.&quot; You're moving on up!&quot;
* Theresa is just like that little pink bunny, she keeps lying and lying and lying.&quot;
* ''[about Edna Wallace]'' Oh, my God! Alistair rode that old Jalopy? Oh! And people say I'm depraved.

:'''[[w:Sam Bennett|Sam]]''':  &quot;Now, I've heard enough of you ladies yelling at each other.&quot;
:'''Rebecca''':  &quot;Theresa's no lady, she's a tramp.&quot;

:'''[[w:Julian Crane|Julian]]''':  &quot;This is all Theresa's fault!&quot;
:'''Rebecca''':  &quot;Why?  What did she do?  Hide your Viagra?&quot;

==[[w:Simone Russell|Simone Russell]]==

* ''[about Chad]'' Isn't he just the tastiest thing you ever saw in your life?
* ''[Kay informs Simone that her &quot;chest exercises&quot; have paid off]'' Get real, girl.  There's a lot more than exercises in that bra.

==TC Russell==

* Irma, I don't know where the hell you get these crazy accusations about Eve - that she had a baby with another man.  Maybe it's because you're watching those crazy soap operas... the one that comes on after ''[[w:Days of Our Lives|Days of Our Lives]]'', but that's totally unbelievable!

==[[w:Liz Sanbourne|Liz Sanbourne]]==

* You know what they say about denial:  it's not just a river in Egypt.

==[[w:Grace Standish|Grace Standish]]==

:'''[[w:Ivy Winthrop|Ivy]]''':  &quot;You were always so good in the kitchen. I wish I'd taken Home Ec in school.&quot;
:'''Grace''':  &quot;You were probably too busy cramming for &quot;How to Be a Bitch 101:.
:'''Ivy''':  &quot;You know, Grace, you're usually so passive I'd forgotten that you had any wit.&quot;
:'''Grace''':  &quot;I wouldn't worry about it, because I hear that memory loss is quite common in menopausal women.&quot;

==Timmy (deceased)==

* ''[Timmy speaks to a sleeping Charity]'' Timmy would lay down his life for you... if Timmy had a life to lay down.
* So Charity's like Princess Leia and Luke Skywalker combined?

:'''[[w:Tabitha Lenox|Tabitha]]''':  &quot;So, you told Julian that I'm a witch.&quot;
:'''Timmy''':  &quot;Timmy didn't mean to say anything bad.&quot;


'''[[w:Tabitha Lenox|Tabitha]]''': &quot;Yes, I tried, Timmy, but I failed! I failed! It's results that count. Oh. I never thought I'd see the day where I have to leave Harmony with my tail between my legs.&quot;&lt;br&gt;
'''Timmy''': &quot;You have a tail?&quot;

==Beth Wallace==

:'''Beth''':  &quot;Okay, okay, okay... I'm calm. And I am calmly asking you. How are we supposed to get Sheridan off the grounds without being seen?&quot;
:'''Charlie''':  &quot;Very carefully.&quot;
:'''Beth''':  &quot;Of course. Very carefully. Why didn't I think of that? Very carefully!&quot;

==Edna Wallace==

* ''[about Beth]''  &quot;Strike her down now, God! Lightning bolts 'til she's good and crispy!

==[[w:Ethan Winthrop|Ethan Winthrop]]==

* ''[to Sheridan]''  &quot;Studies I've seen say the number one reason marriages are successful is because the two people involved have a lot in common. You have a lot. Luis is common.

==[[w:Ivy Winthrop|Ivy Winthrop]]==

:''[Julian attemps to seduce Ivy]''
:'''[[w:Julian Crane|Julian]]''':  &quot;I have wondered... how you could go so long without a man.&quot;
:'''Ivy''':  &quot;With a man like you?  It's easy.&quot;

:'''[[w:Julian Crane|Julian]]''':  &quot;I'm in no mood to play &quot;Let's Provoke Julian&quot; today.
:'''Ivy''':  &quot;Pity.  It's my favorite game!&quot;

* What's up, Julian? It wouldn't have anything to do with, let's see, a mysterious bird statue?
* Well, we all remember where the bloody corpse dream got the family the last time.
* Let me out!  I have a bride to bludgeon to death.

:'''[[w:Rebecca Osborn|Rebecca]]''':  &quot;Ivy, Didn't you wear that last year?&quot;
:'''Ivy''':  &quot;Yes, I did. And what are you, Rebecca, some large, yellow bird's date?&quot;
:- December 2003

:''[Miguel bursts into the Bennetts' house, where Ivy is having a drink]''
:'''[[w:Miguel Lopez-Fitzgerald|Miguel]]''':  &quot;Ms. Winthrop... where did that crazy fog come from?  I mean, it's like pea soup!  There were all these bats flying around my head...&quot;
:'''Ivy''':  &quot;Bats?  Oh, Miguel, you shouldn't drink the cheap stuff.&quot;

== External links== 
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0192917|title=Passions}}
* [http://www.nbc.com/passions Passions at NBC]

[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:NBC shows]]
[[Category:Soap operas]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Azumanga Daioh</title>
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        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
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      <comment>/* External links */ r/m Template:Tv.com show</comment>
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      <text bytes="20313" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Azumanga Daioh logo.svg|thumb|Logo]]
{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Azumanga Daioh|Azumanga Daioh]]''''' (2002) ([[Japanese]]: あずまんが大王) is a Japanese anime series about the passage of a group of girls through a prestigious Japanese high school.

==Season 1==
=== ''Miss Yukari'' [1.1] ===

:'''[[w:Yukari Tanizaki|Yukari]]''': Damn you, [bicycle] chain. I'll show you one day.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Yukari''': Hey, I said you could ask anything, but my measurements are ''top secret''! Not that I'm ashamed, of course. In fact, I dare say they're pretty spectacular. Oh, you impetuous boy! Look what you made me say on the first day!
:'''Male Student:''' What I meant is that ''your'' class is ''next door''. This is Class 4. ''[Yukari slithers away]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''[[w:Chiyo Mihama|Chiyo]]''': I like that in high school we get to bring our own lunches. But it's hard getting up early to make it.
:'''Kaorin and Female Student''': She makes it herself?
:''[Chiyo opens her bento box.]''
:'''Kaorin and Female Student''': ''And it looks delicious!''
:'''Kaorin''': What ''is'' she? ''Miss Perfect? Superwoman?''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Female Student''': Miss Sakaki is really cool, isn't she!
:'''Kaorin''': Yeah, she's way better than any of the ''boys'' in our class!
:''[Kaorin catches a glimpse of Sakaki's panties and the kitty on the back]''
:'''Female Student''': Kaorin?
:'''Kaorin''': I just saw something ''cute''...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Tomo''': Hold on! Sakaki, your boobs are 8cm bigger than mine, so step back 8cm!
:'''Kaorin''': Hey! That's cheating!
:'''Yomi''': Eight centimeters...

=== ''Osaka's Day'' [1.2] ===
:''[Something seems to have caught Osaka's attention and she follows it around the classroom]''
:'''Kaorin''': Osaka, what are you doing?
:'''Osaka''': You know those tiny bubbles inside your eyes you sometimes catch?
:''[Kaorin sits patiently waiting for the answer]''
:'''Osaka''': Yeah, I'm trackin' them down as we speak.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tomo''': Sensei.
:'''Yukari''': What? What's wrong?
:'''Tomo''': I smashed that cockroach just now with my textbook.
:''[Tomo's holds up her textbook which shows the smashed cockroach and walks closer to Yukari]''
:'''Tomo''': What should I do?
:''[Yukari screams out of disgust]''
:'''Yukari''': Get away from me! GET AWAY! ''[She continues to scream]''

=== ''Nyamo'' [1.3] ===

:'''[[w:Yukari Tanizaki|Yukari]]''': BASKETBALL! Now is the basketball era! Come sweat with your teacher and live out your youth to its fullest potential!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Yukari''': We're Team Yukari!
:'''[[w:Tomo Takino|Tomo]] &amp; [[w:Koyomi Mizuhara|Yomi]]''': ''[unenthusiastically]'' Yay.
:'''[[w:Ayumu Kasuga|Osaka]]''': We're Team Sea Slug!
:'''[[w:Chiyo Mihama|Chiyo]] &amp; '''Kaorin''': What?!
:'''Chiyo''': Osaka?
:'''[[w:Kaorin|Kaorin]]''': But sea slugs are so... ''[pause]''
:'''Osaka''': Go Team Sea Slug!
:'''Chiyo''' &amp; '''Kaorin''': ''[even less enthusiastically]'' Yay.

=== ''Pool, Pool, Pool'' [1.4] ===

:'''[[w:Tomo Takino|Tomo]]''': Kimura-sensei, why did you become a teacher?
:'''Kimura''': BECAUSE I LIKE HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS THAT'S WHY!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Mr. Kimura''': Several of the water pipes that run through my house have been leaking quite a bit lately.
:'''[[w:Minamo Kurosawa|Nyamo]]''': Oh?
:'''Mr. Kimura''': The rubber backing has probably grown very brittle and dried out. It tends to do that when it gets old you know.
:'''Nyamo''': Sure, I Guess so.
:''[long pause]''
:'''Mr. Kimura''': Have you grown brittle and dry...?
:'''Nyamo''': THAT'S IT, YOU'RE OUT OF HERE!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Tomo''': Uh huh! Yomi's crazy flexible 'cause her body's made of almost nothing but fat!
:'''Yomi''': DOUBLE CHOP!
:''[Yomi hits Tomo over the back of the head]''
:'''Yomi''': Quit being so damn RUDE!
:''[Tomo runs away, chased by Yomi]''
:'''Tomo''': Flabby! Hey, it jiggled!
:'''Yomi''': DOUBLE CHOP!
:'''Tomo''': Ooow...
:'''Nyamo''': You two, quit messing around!

=== ''Summer Break'' [1.5] ===

:'''[[w:Tomo Takino|Tomo]]''': That's right! We're stylin' and profilin'!
:'''[[w:Ayumu Kasuga|Osaka]]''': But don't you have boyfriends to show off your style to?
:''[Tomo heaves a heavy sigh]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Minamo Kurosawa|Nyamo]]''': So, I'll take three and Yukari will take two.
:'''[[w:Chiyo Mihama|Chiyo]]''': Um... since Yukari-sensei's car looks a bit more spacious, why not put three people over there?
:'''Nyamo''': Isn't it better for fewer people to die? ''[The girls gasp.]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After they arrive at Chiyo's sumer home]''
:'''Yukari''': We're here!
:''[Yomi opens the door of the Yukari-mobile]''
:'''Yomi''': We were watching.
:''[Osaka and Chiyo are trembling, visibly traumatized]''
:'''Osaka''': We're not afraid of rollercoasters anymore...after this...you know...
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Tomo''': So, it's Nyamo's turn. Share some of your vast array of adult experiences.
:'''Nyamo''': ''[very uncomfortable]'' Well, I'm single too, so i really don't have any of those stories.
:'''Tomo''': Darn.
:'''[[w:Yukari Tanizaki|Yukari]]''': You weren't single ''last'' year. ''[Nyamo shakes a little]''

=== ''Sports Fest'' [1.6] ===
:'''[[w:Yukari Tanizaki|Yukari]]''': Listen up, everyone! I have one word that I want to say to all of you. And that word is... FIRST PLACE!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Chiyo Mihama|Chiyo]]''' and '''[[w:Ayumu Kasuga|Osaka]]''': ''[lined up for the three-legged race]'' Let's do it!
:''[starting gun fires; the girls fall over]'' 
:'''Chiyo''': Let's take our time and count our steps, okay?
:'''Osaka''': Okay, nice and slow.
:'''Chiyo''' and '''Osaka''': One --! ''[they fall over again]''

=== ''Culture Fest'' [1.7] ===

:'''Girl''': Oh, Ms. Kurosawa!
:'''[[w:Minamo Kurosawa|Nyamo]]''': Tell me, how's it holding up?
:'''Girl''': Well the thing is...
:'''Nyamo''': Huh?
:''[cuts to Kagura and Mr. Kimura]''
:'''Mr. Kimura''': What is going on here!
:'''[[w:Kagura (Azumanga Daioh)|Kagura]]''': Going on, what do you mean!
:'''Mr. Kimura''': This is inexcusable!
:'''Nyamo''': Something wrong?
:'''Kagura''': Yeah, this guy...
:'''Mr. Kimura''': Oh, Ms. Kurosawa, I'm so glad you're here!
:'''Nyamo''': Okay!
:'''Mr. Kimura''': Please talk some sense into your girls Ms. Kurosawa. I mean don't you find it rather odd? This is the swim team's booth and no one's in a swim suit!
:'''Kagura &amp; Nyamo''': Uh...
:'''Mr. Kimura''': Ugh... okay, I'll let the swimsuits go.
:'''Kagura''': Yes sir!
:'''Mr. Kimura''': I think I'd like a glass of pool water!
:'''Kagura''': Sir?
:'''Mr. Kimura''': POOL WATER! AS IN WATER FROM THE POOL THAT YOU GIRLS HAVE BEEN SWIMMING IN!
:'''Kagura''': WHAT! We don't have any of that!
:'''Mr. Kimura''': ''[deep sigh]''

=== ''New Year's Dream Special'' [1.8] ===
:'''Osaka''': Chiyo-chan, why are you flying?
:'''Chiyo''': I'm ten years old!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Sakaki (Azumanga Daioh)|Sakaki]]''': Excuse me, that thing we were talking about, where can I go to find a real cat?
:'''Chiyo's dad''': A real cat? ''[He starts to glow, turning blue, purple and red.]'' Are you saying then that I am a fake cat?
:'''Sakaki''': I'm sorry please forgive me.
:''[He stops glowing.]''
:'''Chiyo's dad''': No, it is not that I am angry. I am not a fake. ''[He quickly glows red again and thrashes around in his chair]'' But do you mean to say that there are cats that are real AND ONES THAT ARE NOT?!
:'''Sakaki''': Are you sure you're not angry?

=== ''Miss Sakaki'' [1.9] ===
:'''Osaka:''' Sakaki is absorbing something from you!
:'''Chiyo:''' Sakaki, did you take my height?
:'''Sakaki:''' Uh...no...
:'''Chiyo:''' You took it, right? You took it, right? You took it, right?...Give it back!

=== ''Second Year'' [1.10] ===

:'''[[w:Tomo Takino|Tomo]]''': VIVA LA CLASS SHUFFLE!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Sakaki walks over to a black cat, trying to pet it]''
:'''Kagura''': ''[leaping in front of Sakaki's face]'' STUPID FURBALL!!! ''[the cat runs away]'' ''[laughing]'' That was great!
:''[Sakaki slowly turns her head to face Kagura, her eyes hidden beneath her hair]''

=== ''Kagura And Sakaki'' [1.11] ===
:''[after the two guess names of flowers by the sidewalk]''
:'''Kagura:''' Hey, Sakaki. That just now; was that a contest?
:''[Sakaki looks at Kagura as if to say &quot;no&quot;]''

=== ''Chiyo's Day'' [1.12] ===

:'''[[w:Chiyo Mihama|Chiyo]]''': ''[narrating]'' Whenever I go to school, sometimes Sakaki joins me on my walks because she lives in the neighborhood.
:''[Sakaki looks around and sees a kitty, then she chases after it without Chiyo noticing]''
:'''Chiyo-chan''': ''[Looks to where Sakaki was. Thinking to herself.]'' But sometimes she just disappears all of a sudden and I don't know where she went. It's a mystery....

=== ''Exams'' [1.13] ===
:'''Tomo''': Hey, what are you guys acting so cool for?
:'''Osaka and Kagura''': Huh?
:'''Tomo''': Come on you two, say something back at her!
:'''Osaka and Kagura''': Huh? ''[Pointing to Tomo]'' Knucklehead.
:'''Tomo''': ''[Pronouncing with &quot;s&quot;]'' Knuckleheads.
:'''Osaka and Kagura''': Oh. ''[To Yomi]'' Who you calling knucklehead?! 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Entire Class''': It's not here.
:''[camera cuts to Tomo, sitting wide-eyed; she drops her pencil]''

=== ''The Ocean, Summer Kimonos, And A Party'' [1.14] ===
:''[After [[w:Chiyo Mihama|Chiyo]] and [[w:Sakaki (Azumanga Daioh)|Sakaki]] help everyone put their kimonos on.]''
:'''[[w:Yukari Tanizaki|Yukari]]''': An adult being dressed by a child...
:'''[[w:Minamo Kurosawa|Nyamo]]''': You don't know how to put one on either!
:'''[[w:Tomo Takino|Tomo]]''': I thought for sure you'd be able to, Nyamo.
:'''Yukari''': ''[to the group]'' Isn't strange that Ms. Kurosawa here, who can tie a man's necktie, cannot put on her own kimono?
:'''Tomo''': You can tie a necktie?!
:'''Yukari''': The story begins long ago, when Ms. Nyamo was madly in love. This she-beast here used to practice doing neckties using me as her guinea pig!
:'''Nyamo''': So what?!
:'''Yukari''': Unfortunately, they broke up before she could show off her new skill. So her next ambition was-
:''[Nyamo starts fighting with her before she can finish her sentence]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Osaka''': When you think about it rationally, you don't really need turtles.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After Sakaki wins the Nekokoneko.]''
:'''[[w:Kagura (Azumanga Daioh)|Kagura]]''': Wow, you totally killed that Nekokoneko! You hunter! You crazy sniper, you!
:'''Sakaki''': [in tears] ''It's not dead... It's not dead...''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[The Morning After the Night Before, Nyamo style]''
:'''Chiyo''': That was interesting, but I'm a little confused. what did you mean by.... ''[the soundtrack goes silent as Chiyo mimes out certain very odd sexual references]''
:'''Nyamo''': What? Chiyo, who told you about ''that''?
:'''Yukari''':You did
:''[The other girls walk in, Sakaki blushes awkwardly, and the other three bow in deep respect.]''
:'''Tomo''': Thank you very much, sensei!
:'''[[w:Ayumu Kasuga|Osaka]]''': That was very informative.
:'''Kagura''': ''[worshipfully]'' I'm so proud of you, Coach.
:'''Nyamo''': WHAT THE HELL DID I DO?

=== ''Sports Fest, Second Year'' [1.15] ===

:''[The girls wonder who would marry a man like Kimura.]''
:'''[[w:Tomo Takino|Tomo]]''': I bet if she married Kimura she has a really bad personality.
:'''[[w:Yukari Tanizaki|Yukari]]''': On the contrary! I hear that Kimura's wife is so sweet and gentle that she is willing to put up with ''that''!
:'''Tomo''': ''[awestruck]'' Is she some kind of ''angel''?
:''[Tomo, Yumi, Yukari and Chiyo look up as the background turns white and watches Kimura's Wife fly around as an angel.]''

=== ''Culture Fest, Second Year'' [1.16] ===

:'''[[w:Ayumu Kasuga|Osaka]]''': There will be lots of cute cats and dogs in the Cafe... and they're all dead. ''[The other girls groan.]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Kagura (Azumanga Daioh)|Kagura]]''': I'm Kagura! The fact that I'm 156 centimeters tall has nothing to do with the Culture Fest!
:'''[[w:Sakaki (Azumanga Daioh)|Sakaki]]''': I'm, Sakaki... ''[The on-screen picture indicates that Sakaki is 174 cm tall, an unusual height for a Japanese girl]''
:'''Kimura''': IT'S REALLY, REALLY ''CUTE''!

=== ''Osaka's Scary Stories'' [1.17] ===

:'''[[w:Yukari Tanizaki|Yukari]]''': Listen up! I'm tired of just being an English teacher, so today I'm teaching you kids Math!
:'''[[w:Koyomi_Mizuhara|Yomi]]''': Math, huh?
:''[Yukari leafs through the Math textbook, can't find a lesson she understands, and screams.]''
:'''Yukari''': We're doing P.E.! Everybody outside.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Yukari''': We're playing soccer!
:'''Yomi''': Sure, but do you even know the rules?
:'''Yukari''': I'm Nakata! ''[a player on Japan's national team -- the dub uses American women's international Mia Hamm.]''
:'''Yomi''': What?
:'''Yukari''': My position is Nakata!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Yukari''': ''[ecstatic at having scored]'' GOAL! GOAL! GOOOOAL!
:'''Yomi''': Sensei, that was ''our'' goal.
:'''Yukari''': Actually, I'm a spy for the other team.
:'''Yomi''': Whatever.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Kagura (Azumanga Daioh)|Kagura]]''': Hey, does Chiyo-chan...
:'''[[w:Tomo Takino|Tomo]]''': Huh?
:'''Kagura''': ...Still believe in Santa Claus?
:'''Tomo''': Well, should I ask her?
:''[Tomo Walks over to Chiyo]]''
:'''Tomo''': Chiyo-Chan, are you one of those people that still believes in Santa Claus?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Chiyo Mihama|Chiyo]]''': I know that Santa is my father.
:'''[[w:Sakaki (Azumanga Daioh)|Sakaki]]''': Santa... is ''her'' father?
:''[Sakaki's imagination overwhelms her and we get to see the results.]''
:'''Chiyo-chichi:''' ''Merry Krismasu!''
:'''Chiyo:''' Yay! My father is Santa!
:'''Chiyo-chichi:''' Yes. The government pays me to deliver presents to all the children in Japan!
:'''Chiyo:''' Amazing!
:'''Chiyo-chichi:''' And I can fly at Mach 100!
:'''Chiyo:''' Amazing, amazing!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Kagura (Azumanga Daioh)|Kagura]]''': Now, if we accept that Santa doesn't exist -- do ''reindeer'' exist?
:'''[[w:Tomo Takino|Tomo]]''': ''[after a bout of explosive laughter]'' This girl believes in reindeer! ''[Continues laughing, the other girls gasp.]''
:'''Yomi:''' Reindeer ''do'' exist.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Ayumu Kasuga|Osaka]]''': I think that when Christmas time comes...
:'''Chiyo''': Yes?
:'''Osaka''': There's a red-nosed reindeer. That's mean. &quot;Your shining nose is useful in the fog...&quot; The way he said it doesn't help at all. If you tell a bald man his head is useful in the dark, you'd get punched in the face. Santa Claus says such cruel things.
:'''Chiyo''': ''[Has no idea what Osaka is talking about.]'' Uh, yeah...

=== ''Koyomi's Ordeals'' [1.18] ===
:''[Tomo tells Yukari about Yomi eating all you can eat snow crab]''
:'''Yukari''': In Hokkaido?! Snow Crab??!! ALL YOU CAN EAT???!!!
:'''Tomo''': ''[crying]'' It was all Yomi. All Yomi.
:'''Yomi''': ''[To Tomo]'' You actually got her...
:''[Yukari slaps Yomi with a notebook]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Tomo stands in front of a vending machine and buys a milk-tea]''
:'''Tomo''': ''[looking into the vending machine, which pours the tea with no cup]'' Oh, no! The cup! My-my milk tea!
:''[seconds later]''
:'''Yomi''': ''[holding a cup of milk-tea]'' What the... two cups...?
:''[Tomo looks on in shock, then bawls and runs around in circles]''

=== ''One Spring Night'' [1.19] ===

=== ''Third Year'' [1.20] ===
:'''Kagura''': Chiyo-Chan's studying abroad! Amazing!
:'''Tomo''': Amazing!
:'''Chiyo''': No... really...
:'''Tomo''': Mm. She's gonna die.
:'''Chiyo''': Ahh!
:'''Osaka''': Mm. You know, 'cause your family's rich and you're so tiny. ''[she suddenly grabs Chiyo by the pigtails]'' And you're easy to catch!

=== ''School Trip'' [1.21] ===
:'''[[w:Yukari Tanizaki|Yukari]]''': Our school trip is coming up next month. You look excited, Chiyo-chan.
:''[Chiyo giggles merrily]''
:'''Yukari''': Actually, it's been canceled.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Taking roll at the airport, Yukari style.]''
:'''Yukari''': All right, is everybody here? If you're not here, raise your hand! Just kidding!
:'''[[w:Tomo Takino|Tomo]]''': I'm not here!
:'''Yukari''': ''But you are!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Tomo''': ''[holding up a box of cookies]''. Chinsuko.
:''[She holds the box in front of Yomi proudly.]''
:'''Tomo''': It's chinsuko! it's chinsuko!
:''[Yomi blushes, annoyed. The way Tomo is saying it makes it sound like &quot;penis&quot; (Chinpoko)]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Ayumu Kasuga|Osaka]]''': ''[Pointing at a mounted Iriomote cat at a museum.]'' Yamapikarya! [Points to a real Iriomote cat] Yamapikarya!
:'''Chiyo: I guess he'll look like that when he grows up too, huh.
:'''Osaka''': And then he'll look like that.....
:''[Sakaki and Chiyo's expressions change to open-mouthed horror as Osaka points at a skeleton.]''
:'''Osaka''': Nice and bony.

=== ''Entrance Exams Study Camp!'' [1.22] ===
:''[while running a red light]''
:'''Tomo''': Hey! What are you stopping for?
:'''Yukari and Tomo''': ''[Tomo stretches her face and sticks out her tongue as Yukari motions as if honking her horn]'' Loser! Loser!
:'''Kaorin''': ''[pointing ahead with a horrified expression]'' IT'S RED!!!
:''[Yukari, Tomo, and Kaorin scream offscreen]''
:'''Osaka''': Ooh. They're flyin'.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Tomo''': ''[jumps in front of Kaorin's camera]'' Cheese!
:''[long pause]''
:'''Kaorin''': ''[jumping off the deck]'' Dammit! Whoa. ''[screams offscreen]''
:'''Osaka''': Whoa. She's flyin'.

=== ''Last Sports Fest in High School'' [1.23] ===

=== ''Yamamaya'' [1.24] ===

:'''[[w:Ayumu Kasuga|Osaka]]''': The Frenchman Mr. Tadakichi and the Japanese Chiyo-chan coming to America. It'll be hard to tell who's the foreigner there.
:'''[[w:Chiyo Mihama|Chiyo]]''': Miss Osaka sure is ''interesting''.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Tomo Takino|Tomo]]''': Are you sure it's safe to leave that cat alone with Mr. Tadakichi? He might get eaten!
:'''Chiyo''': It's not a problem. Mr. Tadakachichi is much too big to --
:'''[[w:Kagura (Azumanga Daioh)|Kagura]]''': ''[reading a guidebook]'' Iriomote cats have been known to kill and eat wild boars.
:'''Chiyo''': ''[panicked by this sudden revelation]'' We've got to hurry!

=== ''Onwards, Entrance Exams!'' [1.25] ===

:'''[[w:Ayumu Kasuga|Osaka]]''': What ya'll doin'?
:'''[[w:Tomo Takino|Tomo]]''': Just quizzing Chiyo-chan here. What kind of bird is always avoiding the police?
:'''Osaka''': A Rook. ''[in the japanese, it is a heron, which is a pun on the Japanese word for &quot;fraud&quot;]''
:''[Tomo and [[w:Chiyo Mihama|Chiyo]] are both taken aback she got it so quickly]''
:'''Tomo:''' All right then -- who built Osaka Castle?
:'''Osaka:''' The carpenter.
:'''Tomo:''' If ''Nihongo'' is Japanese, what is ''Eigo''?
:'''Osaka:''' Still Japanese. ''[Eigo is the Japanese name of English]''
:'''Tomo:''' An eggplant, a watermelon and a radish are on a truck which takes a steep curve. What drops?
:'''Osaka:''' The speed.
:'''Tomo and Chiyo''' ''You're amazing!!''
:'''Osaka:''' ''Did I say something?''

=== ''Graduation Ceremony'' [1.26] ===

:''[Kagura picks up a desk.]''
:'''[[w:Kagura (Azumanga Daioh)|Kagura]]''': Would it be bad if I took one of the desks home?
:'''[[w:Yukari Tanizaki|Yukari]]''': Yes, it would be bad.

== ''Azumanga Daioh: The Very Short Movie'' ==


== ''Web Azumanga Daioh'' ==

== Cast ==
:'''Character - Japanese - English'''
* Chiyo Mihama - [[w:Tomoko Kaneda|Tomoko Kaneda]] - [[w:Jessica Boone|Jessica Boone]]
* Tomo Takino - [[w:Chieko Higuchi|Chieko Higuchi]] - [[w:Brian Esler|Brian Esler]]
* Koyomi Mizuhara - [[w:Rie Tanaka|Rie Tanaka]] - [[w:Nancy Novotny|Nancy Novotny]]
* Sakaki - [[w:Yu Asakawa|Yu Asakawa]] - [[w:Hamish Strachan|Hamish Strachan]]
* Kagura - [[w:Houko Kuwashima|Houko Kuwashima]] - [[w:Allison Sumrall|Allison Sumrall]]
* Yukari Tanizaki - [[w:Akiko Hiramatsu|Akiko Hiramatsu]] - [[w:Luci Christian|Luci Christian]]
* Minamo Kurosawa - [[w:Aya Hisakawa|Aya Hisakawa]] - [[w:Monica Rial|Monica Rial]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.advfilms.com/titles/azumanga/ ''Azumanga Daioh'' - Everyone's goin' blonklers!!!] The Official English site by ADV Films
* {{imdb title|id=0339955|title=Azumanga Daioh}}
* [http://www.animenewsnetwork.com/encyclopedia/anime.php?id=799 ''Azumanga Daioh'' at the Anime News Network Encyclopedia]

[[Category:Anime and manga series]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Criminal Minds</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-26T22:13:36Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
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----
{{Notice|'''These quotes may have been edited on the show's script, and therefore may be inaccurately quoted or attributed'''}}
----
:'''Season''' [[Criminal Minds (season 1)|1]] [[Criminal Minds (season 2)|2]] [[Criminal Minds (season 3)|3]] [[Criminal Minds (season 4)|4]] [[Criminal Minds (season 5)|5]] [[Criminal Minds (season 6)|6]] [[Criminal Minds (season 7)|7]] [[Criminal Minds (season 8)|8]] [[Criminal Minds (season 9)|9]] [[Criminal Minds (season 10)|10]] [[Criminal Minds (season 11)|11]] [[Criminal Minds (season 12)|12]] [[Criminal Minds (season 13)|13]] [[Criminal Minds (season 14)|14]]  [[Criminal Minds (season 15)|15]] | [[Criminal Minds|'''Main''']]
----
'''''[[w:Criminal Minds|Criminal Minds]]''''' (2005–2020) is an American television show, airing on [[w:CBS|CBS]], about an elite squad of FBI profilers that analyzes the country's most twisted criminal minds and anticipates their next move before they strike again. 

== Seasons ==
::[[Criminal Minds (season 1)|Season 1]]
::[[Criminal Minds (season 2)|Season 2]]
::[[Criminal Minds (season 3)|Season 3]]
::[[Criminal Minds (season 4)|Season 4]]
::[[Criminal Minds (season 5)|Season 5]]
::[[Criminal Minds (season 6)|Season 6]]
::[[Criminal Minds (season 7)|Season 7]]
::[[Criminal Minds (season 8)|Season 8]]
::[[Criminal Minds (season 9)|Season 9]]
::[[Criminal Minds (season 10)|Season 10]]
::[[Criminal Minds (season 11)|Season 11]]
::[[Criminal Minds (season 12)|Season 12]]
::[[Criminal Minds (season 13)|Season 13]]
::[[Criminal Minds (season 14)|Season 14]]
::[[Criminal Minds (season 15)|Season 15]]

== Cast ==
* [[w:Joe Mantegna|Joe Mantegna]] - [[w:David Rossi|Senior Supervisory Special Agent David Rossi]] (2007-2020)
* [[w:Matthew Gray Gubler|Matthew Gray Gubler]] - [[w:Spencer Reid|Supervisory Special Agent Dr. Spencer Reid]] (2005-2020)
* [[w:A. J. Cook (actress)|A.J. Cook]] - [[w:Jennifer Jareau|Supervisory Special Agent Jennifer &quot;JJ&quot; Jareau]] (2005-2020 - 4 episodes in 2011)
* [[w:Kirsten Vangsness|Kirsten Vangsness]] - [[w:Penelope Garcia|Technical Analyst Penelope Garcia]] (2005-2020)
* [[w:Aisha Tyler|Aisha Tyler]] - Dr. Tara Lewis (2015-2020)
* [[w:Adam Rodriguez|Adam Rodriguez]] - Luke Alvez (2015-2020)
* [[w:Paget Brewster|Paget Brewster]] - [[w:Emily Prentiss|Supervisory Special Agent Emily Prentiss]] (2006-2020)
* [[w:Lola Glaudini|Lola Glaudini]] - [[w:Elle Greenaway|Supervisory Special Agent Elle Greenaway]] (2005-2006)
* [[Mandy Patinkin]] - [[w:Jason Gideon|Senior Supervisory Special Agent Jason Gideon]] (2005-2007)
* [[w:Rachel Nichols|Rachel Nichols]] - [[w:Ashley Seaver|FBI Cadet Ashley Seaver]] (2011)
* [[w:Jeanne Tripplehorn|Jeanne Triplehorn]] - Supervisory Special Agent Alex Blake (2012-2014)
* [[w:Jennifer Love Hewitt|Jennifer Love Hewitt]] - Supervisory Special Agent Kate Callahan (2014-2015)
* [[w:Shemar Moore|Shemar Moore]] - [[w:Derek Morgan|Supervisory Special Agent Derek Morgan]] (2005-2016)
* [[w:Thomas Gibson|Thomas Gibson]] - [[w:Aaron Hotchner|Unit Chief, Supervisory Special Agent Aaron &quot;Hotch&quot; Hotchner]] (2005-2016)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0452046|title=Criminal Minds}}
* [http://www.criminalmindsfanatic.net Criminal Minds] - The ''Criminal Minds Fanatic'' Fansite
* [http://www.criminalmindswiki.wetpaint.com Criminal Minds] - ''The Criminal Minds Fan Wiki'' and Fansite
* [https://quotecatalog.com/quotes/tv/criminal-minds Criminal Minds Quotes] - ''Top 50+ Criminal Minds Quotes''

[[Category:CBS shows]]
[[Category:2000s American crime drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American crime drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American crime drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American mystery TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American mystery TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American mystery TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American police procedural TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American police procedural TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American police procedural TV shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Criminal Minds]]
[[Category:Television shows featuring audio description]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Battle Royale (film)</title>
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      <text bytes="5729" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Battle Royale (film)|Battle Royale]]''''' (or [[w:Batoru rowaiaru|Batoru rowaiaru]]) is a [[w:2000 in film|2000 film]] about 42 ninth-graders taken to an island, given random weapons, and forced to kill each other until one survivor remains as part of a government program. To ensure their cooperation, they've been fitted with explosive collars that explode when they break a rule.
:''Directed by [[w: Kinji Fukasaku| Kinji Fukasaku]]. Written by [[w:Kenta Fukasaku|Kenta Fukasaku]] and [[w:Koshun Takami|Koshun Takami]], based on the [[w:Battle Royale|1999 novel of the same name]] by Koushun Takami.''
&lt;center&gt;'''Could you kill your best friend?''' [[#Taglines|taglines]]&lt;/center&gt;

== Shuya Nanahara ==
* ''[to Noriko Nakagawa]'' I'm weak, I'm useless, but I'll stay by your side; I'll protect you.

== Mitsuko Souma ==
* What's wrong with killing? Everybody's got their reasons.

== Shogo Kawada ==
* There's a way out of this game. Kill yourselves together, here, now. If you can't do that, then don't trust anyone... just run.  

== Teacher Kitano ==
* So today's lesson is...you kill each other off until there's only one left. Nothing's against the rules!

== Training Video Girl ==
* Each weapon is different. Not just guns or knives either! It is random so maybe you will get lucky, maybe not. It eliminates natural advantages. ''[picks up axe]'' Oooh. This one is SUPER lucky.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Kyouichi Motobuchi''': If I survive, may I go home?
:'''Teacher Kitano''': Sure, but only if everyone else is dead. Mimura?
:'''Shinji Mimura''': How were we chosen?
:'''Kitano''': By impartial lottery.
:'''Mimura''': One more.
:'''Kitano''': Sure.
:'''Mimura''': Why are you doing this?
:'''Kitano''': It's your own damn fault. You guys mock grown-ups. Go ahead and mock us, but don't you forget: life is a game, so fight for survival and find out if you're worth it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shogo has just finished bandaging Noriko's leg]''
:'''Shuya Nanahara''': You know a lot about medicine.
:'''Shogo Kawada''': Well, my father was a doctor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shogo Kawada''': ''[Noriko wakes up abruptly]'' You okay?
:'''Noriko Nakagawa''': I had a dream...
:'''Kawada''': What dream?
:'''Nakagawa''': I was alone with Kitano on an empty riverbank.
:'''Kawada''': Must've been scary.
:'''Nakagawa''': But Kitano just seemed lonely.
:'''Kawada''': Hmmm.
:'''Nakagawa''': Before this, I always just thought of myself as normal. I'd have a normal marriage, age normally, just like my mom... but when this game started, I realized - it's just that I was sheltered.
:'''Kawada''': Some things are better not to know. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hiroki Sugimura''': I've been in love with you for a long, long time...
:'''Kayoko Kotohiki''': ''[cries]'' What am I supposed to do now?
:'''Mitsuko Souma''': Die.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shogo Kawada''': Meeting you guys, I finally solved the riddle of Keiko's smile.
:'''Noriko Nakagawa''': What's the answer?
:'''Kawada''': Her parting words - Thank you - and then...
:'''Shuya Nanahara''': And then? ''[Kawada drops his cigarette]'' Kawada!
:'''Nakagawa''': Kawada!
:'''Kawada''': And then - I'm glad I found true friends.

== Taglines ==
* Could you kill your best friend?
* One Dead. 41 To Go.
* 42 Students, Three Days, One Survivor, No Rules.
* Today, I killed my best friend.
* Have you ever killed your best friend?

=== About ''{{PAGENAME}} '' ===
* [[The Hunger Games|Hunger Games]] author [[Suzanne Collins]] came from a military family. But Battle Royale director Kinji Fukasaku actually survived [[World War II]]. He was just a teenager himself when he was put to work in a munitions factory in [[Japan]]. &lt;br&gt; &quot;It was bombed, a lot,&quot; Hendrix says. &quot;And one of his jobs, at the age of 15, was to take a wheelbarrow around the factory and pick up body parts after bombing raids.&quot; &lt;br&gt; The experience left Fukasaku with a lasting abhorrence of war — and a profound sense of betrayal by grownups that persisted into his own adulthood. And it fueled his decision to film Battle Royale, which was both highly controversial and a massive theatrical hit when it was released in Japan, despite a rating that kept young teenagers from seeing it. That irritated the director, says Hendrix. &lt;br&gt; &quot;He gave a very famous statement to the press where he said, 'Kids, if you have the courage, you can sneak in. And I encourage you to do so.'&quot;
* Hendrix says one of the most important things Battle Royale and The Hunger Games share is the idea of teenagers trapped in a ruined society, coerced by grownups into doing horrible things. &lt;br&gt; Even so, they both make it clear — there's nothing more [[utopian]] than a teenager. Even in a [[dystopia]].
:* Grady Hendrix in [https://www.npr.org/2012/03/21/148991013/battle-games-cold-brutality-a-common-theme &quot;'Battle,' 'Games': Cold Brutality A Common Theme&quot;] by Nedia Ulaby, ''All Things Considered'', NPR, March 21, 2012

== Cast ==
* [[w:Tatsuya Fujiwara|Tatsuya Fujiwara]] — Shuya Nanahara (Boy #15)
* [[w:Aki Maeda|Aki Maeda]] — Noriko Nakagawa (Girl #15)
* [[w:Taro Yamamoto|Taro Yamamoto]] — Shogo Kawada (Boy #5)
* [[w:Chiaki Kuriyama|Chiaki Kuriyama]] — Takako Chigusa (Girl #13)
* [[w:Kou Shibasaki|Kou Shibasaki]] — Mitsuko Souma (Girl #11)
* [[w:Beat Takeshi|Beat Takeshi]] — Teacher Kitano

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0266308|title=Battle Royale}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=battle_royale|title=Battle Royale}}

[[Category:2000 films]]
[[Category:Action films]]
[[Category:Adventure films]]
[[Category:Dystopian films]]
[[Category:Films based on novels]]
[[Category:Japanese films]]
[[Category:Foreign language films]]
[[Category:Films set on islands]]</text>
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      <text bytes="97919" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Foods.jpg|thumb|Veganism denotes a philosophy and way of living which seeks to exclude—as far as is possible and practical—all forms of exploitation of, and [[cruelty to animals]] for food, clothing, or any other purpose; and by extension, promotes the development and use of animal-free alternatives for the benefit of humans, animals, and the environment. ~ [[The Vegan Society]]]]
'''[[w:Veganism|Veganism]]''' is both the practice of abstaining from the use of animal products, particularly in [[diet]], and an associated philosophy that rejects the commodity status of [[animals]]. A follower of either the diet or the philosophy is known as a vegan.
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== A ==

* My motto has always been “If you love animals, don’t eat them”. ... the moment I began to understand what was going on with the treatment of animals, it led me more and more in the way of the path I am [on] now, which is a complete vegan.
** [[Bryan Adams]], [http://www.peta.org.uk/blog/bryan-adams-animal-rights-vegan/ “Bryan Adams on Animal Rights and Being Vegan”, interview with PETA, in ''Peta.org'' (7 January 2007)].

* I coined the term ''feminized protein'' for eggs and dairy products: plant protein produced through the abuse of the reproductive cycle of female animals. Feminized protein is taken from living female animals, whose reproductive capacity is manipulated for human needs. The unique situation of domesticated female animals required its own term: a sexual slavery with chickens in battery cages and dairy cows hooked up to milking machines. ... The radical truth is that people can be perfectly happy as vegans, but the dominant culture can’t or won’t acknowledge this. ... Being vegan is an exciting, wonderful culinary experience and we probably don’t even know what’s possible because it’s still so new. ... The process of objectification/fragmentation/consumption can be interrupted by the process of attention/nowness/compassion.
** [[Carol J. Adams]], “[http://caroljadams.com/why-vegan-feminist/ Why Vegan-Feminist?]”, in ''caroljadams.com'' (2015).

* When people ask me why I don’t eat meat or any other animal products, I say because they are unhealthy and they are the product of a violent and inhumane industry. Chickens, cows, and pigs in factory farms spend their whole lives in filthy, cramped conditions only to die a prolonged and painful death.
** [[Casey Affleck]], from [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSuLrvwLoLA a PETA video (6 February 2013)], reported in [http://www.peta2.com/heroes/casey-afflecks-go-vegan-psa/ &quot;Casey Affleck’s ‘Go Vegan’ PSA&quot;, in ''peta2.com''].

* They taught me the importance of eating right and how it can benefit my boxing career. I went vegan ‘cold [[w:Tofurkey|Tofurkey]]’. ... Since being plant based, I am 23-0, winning 3 International Golds and 2 National tournaments and can thank my new lifestyle.
** [[Cam F. Awesome]], [http://www.greatveganathletes.com/cam-awesome-vegan-boxer &quot;Cam Awesome vegan boxer&quot;, interview with ''GreatVeganAthletes.com'' (2013)].

== B ==

* I've been vegan for two years and vegetarian for 20 years. I used to be a dancer, and so health and vitality have always been important to me. I wouldn't say it took any one big event, vegetarianism just always made sense to me. [What farmed animals] endure is just terrible. It's horrible ... Vegan food is {{w|soul food}} in its truest form. Soul food means to feed the soul. And, to me, your soul is your intent. If your intent is pure, you are pure.
** [[Erykah Badu]], [http://vegnews.com/articles/page.do?catId=7&amp;pageId=30 &quot;Erykah Badu&quot;, interview with ''VegNews'' (6 October 2008)].

[[File:HeadshotCarl.jpg|thumb|In fact, my best year of track competition was the first year I ate a vegan diet. Moreover, by continuing to eat a vegan diet, my weight is under control, I like the way I look. (I know that sounds vain, but all of us want to like the way we look.) ~ [[Carl Lewis]]]]

* Honestly, ever since I found this way of eating I have endless amounts of energy. I can go all day, and after it all I never find myself getting tired. No matter what kind of shows I have done, or workouts I do on top of it, I still have to force myself to sleep at night.
** [[Travis Barker]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20170321220957/https://www.mensjournal.com/entertainment/articles/blink-182s-travis-barker-why-im-vegan-w473107 &quot;Blink 182's Travis Barker: Why I'm Vegan&quot;, interview with ''Men's Journal'' (March 2017)].

* By setting aside animal-derived products—meat, dairy products, and eggs—you can reach a level of health and well-being that you may never have expected you could enjoy. ... Although our work has focused on helping people trim down, conquer diabetes, cut cholesterol, and tackle other medical problems, it should be said that not everyone who decides to forgo animal products makes that choice for health reasons. Many people are concerned with how animals are treated by the food industries, and rightly so. And the environmental consequences of meat and dairy production should be of concern to all of us.
** [[Neal D. Barnard|Neal Barnard, M. D.]], [https://books.google.it/books?id=jhkj1chVn28C&amp;pg=PR7 introduction] to ''The Get Healthy, Go Vegan Cookbook'', Da Capo Press, 2010.

* [[Cooking]] is my love language, where there's the most amount of giving selflessly. ... It's more about the health benefits than the ethics. But it's compounded by the fact that I love animals and feel better not eating them.
** [[Kristen Bell]], on her vegan cuisine, after her transition from vegetarianism to veganism, in [http://www.womenshealthmag.com/life/kristen-bell-vegan-food &quot;Kristen in the Kitchen&quot;, in ''Women's Health'' (8 March 2012)].

* My perspective of veganism was most affected by learning that the veal calf is a by-product of dairying, and that in essence there is a slice of veal in every glass of what l had thought was an innocuous white liquid—milk.
** [[Rynn Berry]], quoted in ''The Vegan Sourcebook'' by [[Joanne Stepaniak]] (Los Angeles: Lowell House, 1998), p. 40.

* Unless tied to alliance politics and radical social and environmental movements, the animal rights movement is just single-issue reformism and veganism is reduced to just another form of bourgeois individualism and capitalist consumerism. Profound in moral, social, and ecological implications, animal rights and veganism are crucial necessary steps for liberation politics, but hardly in and of themselves sufficient conditions for revolutionary change. The profound importance of veganism and animal rights can be recognized by a social majority only in a broad political context, and only in alliance with other struggles can their revolutionary potential be realized.
** [[Steven Best]], ''The Politics of Total Liberation: Revolution for the 21st Century'' (Palgrave Macmillan, 2014), p. 48. &lt;small&gt;{{ISBN|978-1349500864}}&lt;/small&gt;

* After having my daughter, I made a conscious effort to regain control of my health and my body. But I didn't want to do a crash diet. I was a mom now. I needed to change my ways and set an example for my child. ... A year later (around November 2013), my husband and I decided we wanted to try a completely plant-based diet ... And so the journey began that helped me get into the best shape of my life. Little did I know the long-lasting effects it would have. I thought, like with most diets, I would feel deprived and hate food, that I would miss out on restaurants and celebrations, that I would get headaches and be irritable, etc. I was wrong about all of that. It took a few days to adjust, but what I discovered was increased energy, better sleep, weight loss, improved digestion, clarity, and an incredibly positive feeling for my actions and the effects it would have on those around me and the environment.
** [[Beyoncé]], [https://books.google.it/books?id=KfeoBAAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PP10 foreword] to Marco Borges's ''The 22-Day Revolution'', New York: Penguin, 2015.
[[File:Bonnie-Jill Laflin 2015 2.jpg|thumb|I'm vegan for the animals. If you go into the factory farms, when you see what these animals endure and the torture, it's not right and the only way to not participate in that is to go vegan. ~ [[Bonnie-Jill Laflin]]]]

* I used to say the only reason why I didn’t eat meat was to be healthy, but I would be lying if I said that now, knowing the horrible things they do to the animals. Any person who has a heart for animals and knew how they are treated would be vegan.
** [[Tia Blanco]], [https://vegansarecool.com/2013/11/12/vegan-surfing-star-tia-blanco-talks-food-arm-wrestling-and-more/ &quot;Vegan Surfing Star Tia Blanco talks food, arm wrestling and more!&quot;, interview with ''VegansAreCool.com'' (12 November 2013)].

* I want to try to live my own [[Value (ethics)|values]] as consciously and purposefully as I can. Being vegan for me is a cleaner way of not participating in practices that don’t align with my values. ... As soon as I said publicly that I was trying this experiment, so many vegans out there, hundreds and hundreds of people, have been reaching out to me with incredible support and encouragement as well as practical tips of how to do this without having to sacrifice that much in terms of the food and what I like. I've discovered some really delicious things—recipes, stores, and restaurants—that have made this transition far easier. ... There's too much judgment out there. Really what we need to be doing is just all of us finding our own paths towards living the best lives we can live as clearly and boldly in accordance with our own personal values.
** [[Cory Booker]], &quot;[http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2014/11/26/talking-tofurky-with-newly-vegan-cory-booker.html Talking Tofurky With Newly Vegan Cory Booker]&quot;, interview with Vlad Chituc, in ''[[w:The Daily Beast|The Daily Beast]]'' (26 November 2014).

* I have used this [vegan] diet since 2008. I first tried it when I was preparing for my challenge of WBC super lightweight champion Junior Wittier -- my first world title fight -- and after seeing the results it gave me I have tried to stay as loyal to it as possible. It helps keep my body clean and it provides me with a tremendous amount of energy due to my body spending less energy breaking down foods like meats. This is a big key factor in my fitness. ... The energy is always there. I feel so alive. My senses and reflexes are so acute. ... With a vegan diet you always have energy, so much that sometimes I have trouble sleeping at night. You feel light. You don't feel bulky or heavy. This would benefit any athlete in any sport.
** [[Timothy Bradley]], [http://www.boxingscene.com/timothy-bradley-explains-his-vegan-diet-benefits--70134 &quot;Timothy Bradley Explains His Vegan Diet, The Benefits&quot;, in ''BoxingScene.com'' (30 September 2013)].

* How then can it be compassionate to gorge on other beings’ blood and flesh? Monks who will not wear silks from the East, whether coarse or fine; who will not wear shoes or boots of leather, nor furs, nor birds’ down from our own country; and who will not consume milk, curds, or ghee, have truly freed themselves from the world.
** [[Gautama Buddha]], ''[[w:Śūraṅgama Sūtra|Śūraṅgama Sūtra]]'', translated by the Buddhist Text Translation Society (2009), Part VII, Chapter 2: On Killing. [http://www.buddhisttexts.org/uploads/6/3/3/1/6331706/surangama_new_translation.pdf Full text online].

== C ==
[[File:David Haye.png|thumb|I watched a TV documentary about how animals are farmed, killed and prepared for us to eat. I saw all those cows and pigs and realised I couldn’t be a part of it any more. It was horrible. I did some research to make sure I could still obtain enough protein to fight and, once satisfied that I could, I stopped [eating animal products]. I’ll never go back. ~ [[David Haye]]]]

* You're going to be healthier, you're going to live longer, you're going to look better. You're going to have fewer zits. You're going to be slimmer. You're going to radiate health. You're going to have a better sex drive. That's what shifting away from meat and dairy does. My whole family did this, and we're doing spectacularly well from a health standpoint. I have not had a single sniffle, not a flu, not a cold, nothing that's taken me offline as much as an hour in three and a half years.
** [[James Cameron (director)|James Cameron]], &quot;[http://www.mensjournal.com/health-fitness/nutrition/james-cameron-why-i-eat-a-vegan-diet-20150915 James Cameron: Why I Eat a Vegan Diet]&quot;, interview with John Gaudiosi, in ''[[w:Men's Journal|Men's Journal]]'' (15 September 2015).

* Our study [China Diet and Health Study] suggests that the closer one approaches a total plant food diet, the greater the health benefit. ... It turns out that animal protein, when consumed, exhibits a variety of undesirable health effects. Whether it is the immune system, various enzyme systems, the uptake of carcinogens into the cells, or hormonal activities, animal protein generally only causes mischief. High fat intake still can be a problem, and we ought not to be consuming such high-fat diets. But I suggest that animal protein is more problematic in this whole diet/disease relationship than is total fat. 
** [[T. Colin Campbell]], interview, 1994; as quoted in ''Souls Like Ourselves'' by Andrea Wiebers and David Wiebers (Rochester, MN: Sojourn Press, 2000), p. 51.

* The vegan choice is revolutionary, it is an act of daily love for animals and people.
** [[Loredana Cannata]], [https://www.vegsicilia.it/blog/personaggi/loredana-cannata-scelta-vegana-atto-damore-quotidiano/ &quot;La Scelta Vegana È Un Atto D’amore Quotidiano&quot;], interview with ''Veg Sicilia'' (8 October 2018).

* Going veg is one of the best decisions you can make for your health and the planet. Period. Your organs, blood, bones, teeth, and private parts will thank you. ... If your meals consistently revolve around corpse multiple times daily, you might become one sooner than you planned.
** [[Kris Carr]], ''Crazy Sexy Diet'' (Rowman &amp; Littlefield, 2011), [https://books.google.it/books?id=4lZBBAAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PT87 ch. 4].

* One of the things that pushed me to change my diet is that the average football player dies at 56 years of age. That's because they're constantly drinking milk and whey protein shakes, eating steak and chicken. ... We thought, 'We're big dudes, we need to eat meat to be men.' I thought that too. But you're screwing your insides up. You're taking advantage of a helpless animal. You're killing a life that you don't need to take. With dairy, you're stealing breast milk that's meant for the baby cows and drinking it yourself. How is that manly? Men are supposed to be protectors.
** [[David Carter (defensive lineman)|David Carter]], interview in the book ''[https://books.google.it/books?id=FIY8DgAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PT0 What the Health]'' by Eunice Wong (Xlibris, 2017).

* Promoting veganism, I think it’s such an important message. ... I remember as a child, my grandma instilling in us that no matter how little you think you have, there are always people and beings that are suffering on the planet and have even less than us. As I’ve grown older, the love just continues to grow for all living beings. It breaks my heart when I see animals being mistreated. As we all know, in agriculture, that’s like one of the biggest mistreatments that animals endure in our country.  The more I educated myself about the subject, the more I was able to make wiser, more intelligent decisions in my life. ... I’ve seen some tremendous positive changes in my health in the last six years when I switched to a plant-based diet ... I live by the [[Golden Rule]]: treat others as you would like to be treated. And to me, that includes animals as well. They should be loved. They are souls on this planet just like we are.
** [[Susie Castillo]], [http://www.godsdirectcontact.org.tw/eng/news/211/sr_43.htm &quot;In-Depth with ''Loving the Silent Tears'' MC: Susie Castillo (Vegan)&quot;, interview in ''GodsDirectContact.org'' (2012)].

* I don’t want to torture anything. ... it’s about trying to live a life where I’m not contributing to the cruelty in the world. ... While I am on this planet, I want everyone I meet to know that I am grateful they are here.
** [[Jessica Chastain]], on her veganism and lifestyle in a [[People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals|PETA]] press statement, as quoted in [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/06/29/peta-sexiest-vegetarian-celebrities-2012_n_1638049.html &quot;PETA Sexiest Vegetarian Celebrities 2012: Jessica Chastain And Woody Harrelson Win Celebrity Contest&quot; by Tara Kelly, in ''The Huffington Post'' (29 June 2012)].

* The vegan lifestyle is a compassionate way to live that supports life, supports fairness and equality, and promotes freedom.
** [[Robert Cheeke]], ''[https://books.google.it/books?id=O9PqBgAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PT0 Vegan Bodybuilding and Fitness]'' (Summertown, TN: Healthy Living Publications, 2010), ch. 1.

* [After struggle with heart disease] I've stopped eating meat, cheese, milk, even fish. No dairy at all. I've lost more than 20 pounds so far, aiming for about 30 before Chelsea's wedding. And I have so much more energy now! I feel great. ... I just decided that I was the high-risk person, and I didn't want to fool with this anymore. And I wanted to live to be a grandfather. So I decided to pick the diet that I thought would maximize my chances of long-term survival. ... The main thing that was hard for me actually ... was giving up yogurt and hard cheese. I love that stuff, but it really made a big difference when I did it. ... [To truly change the conditions that lead to bad habits and poor health] we have to demand it by changing the way we live. You have to make a conscious decision to change for your own well-being, and that of your family and your country.
** [[Bill Clinton]], &quot;[http://www.aarp.org/health/healthy-living/info-08-2013/bill-clinton-vegan.html Bill Clinton Explains Why He Became a Vegan]&quot; by [[w:Joe Conason|Joe Conason]], ''AARP The Magazine'', August/September 2013.
[[File:Alicia Silverstone, Festival of Books.jpg|thumb|I realized veganism is the only diet that can change the world. ... You can expect a healthier body, and the feeling of pride that goes hand-in-hand with living according to your values. That’s something that many people aspire to, but few people achieve. ~ [[Alicia Silverstone]]]]

* I had to come to the full conclusion, the only way to sustainably and ethically live on this planet with seven billion other people is to live an entirely plant-based vegan diet. I decided instead of eating others, to eat for others. At first, like these environmental groups, I was afraid of what it’d mean to change. But now, I embrace it. All this talk about sustainability sounded like our planet was on some sort of life support. And I don’t want her to simply survive or to sustain, but to thrive. Life today is not about sustainability. It’s about thrive-ability. She’s given so much to us for so long, it was time to give back. A hundred and eight percent of everything we have. It felt good. It was an alignment.
** ''[[Cowspiracy]]'', documentary-film by Kip Andersen and Keegan Kuhn (2014)&lt;!-- 1:26:08 --&gt;.

* [''[[Babe (film)|Babe]]''] also inspired me to become vegan. After having worked all morning with these extraordinary animals, I'd see their relatives on the lunch table. They had ham and duck, every animal except horse. That's when I said, &quot;I've got to try to be a vegan.&quot; And for the most part, I have been vegan since 1994.
** [[James Cromwell]], [http://www.humanesociety.org/news/magazines/2015/01-02/unprejudiced-heart-interview-with-babe-actor-james-cromwell.html &quot;The Tale of an Unprejudiced Heart: An Interview with James Cromwell&quot;] by ''[[w:The Humane Society of the United States|The Humane Society of the United States]]'' (17 December 2014).

* The reason I kind of started this [vegan lifestyle] was because I had a fish that was highly intelligent. When I would come through the door ... this blowfish would go to the side and get excited ... and he really knew who I was. He really got excited when I was home. ... And one day ... I went to a sushi restaurant with a few of my friends and they were serving blowfish, and I thought, &quot;You know, this is an intelligent animal.&quot;
** [[Miley Cyrus]], [https://archive.org/details/WNBC_20151002_033400_The_Tonight_Show_Starring_Jimmy_Fallon interview at ''The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon''] (1 October 2015).

== D ==

* I used to think that I needed chicken and fish as a source of protein in order to train properly. I subscribed to that theory for a while and then when I finally decided to cut everything out and I was doing it right, it felt really good and I didn’t lose any strength at all–I feel like I recover quicker so it’s been good. ... A lot of people try to stay away from carbs and stuff like that, but I eat a lot of brown rice and just good clean complex carbs and it works for me. ... In this day and age I don’t see any reason to contributing to a really awful industry [''sc.'' the meat industry] that causes too many problems. It’s horrible what the animals have to go through on a daily basis, it’s just awful–they’re born and raised in really nasty conditions and it’s better not to contribute to that whole thing. ... I just don’t see in this day and age a real reason to contribute to that when you can be really healthy and not eat that sort of thing and not cause a lot of suffering.
** [[Mac Danzig]], [http://www.themmadigest.com/lean-mean-and-green%E2%80%A6vegan-fighter-mac-danzig-packs-a-punch/ &quot;Lean, Mean and Green...Vegan Fighter Mac Danzig Packs a Punch&quot;, in ''The MMA Digest.com'' (7 August 2007)].

* I read a couple of good books and realized the ethical implications of eating meat and the countless other ways of abusing animals and nature. It made me cry. There simply is no need for us to consume animal products and we cause a lot of harm by doing so; that is the definition of crime. I couldn't be anything else but vegan after understanding that.
** [[Alexander Dargatz]], [http://www.veganbodybuilding.com/?page=bio_alex interview with Vegan Bodybuilding &amp; Fitness (2005)].

* Most people don’t think about the fact that they’re eating animals. When they’re eating a steak or eating chicken, most people don’t think about the tremendous suffering that those animals endure simply to become food products to be consumed by human beings.
** [[Angela Davis]], [https://www.nuorigins.com/black-vegan-celebrities/ Top Five Black Celebrities Who Promote Veganism (2019)]

* I’ve been vegan for 10 years now, and there’s nothing in my life that hasn’t become better as a result. ... To perform my sports and to stay alive in high risk environments, I need to be at top level athletic fitness. I also need to be highly attuned to the natural environment, and able to listen to myself and any outside messages. I have found that eating a vegan diet gives me optimum physical and mental awareness.
** [[Steph Davis]], [https://www.vegansociety.com/whats-new/blog/interview-steph-davis-worlds-leading-vegan-climber &quot;An interview with Steph Davis, the world's leading vegan climber&quot;], [[The Vegan Society]] (29 July 2016).

* I personally chose to go vegan because I educated myself on factory farming and [[cruelty to animals]], and I suddenly realized that what was on my plate were living things, with feelings. And I just couldn’t disconnect myself from it any longer. I read books like ''{{w|Diet for a New America}}'' and saw documentaries like ''[[w:Earthlings (film)|Earthlings]]'' and ''{{w|Meet Your Meat}}'', and it became an easy choice for me. If you choose to educate yourself, it’ll be an easy choice for you, too.
** [[Ellen DeGeneres]], from her website; as quoted in [https://www.peta.org/blog/ellen-went-vegan/ &quot;Why Ellen Went Vegan&quot;, in ''Peta.org'' (9 November 2009)].

* I decided to become Vegan simply because if you care about animals and people, there is no other choice but to be vegan. It’s a very simple equation — meat and dairy = animal and human suffering. ... When you know the truth about meat and dairy the hard thing would be to continue to eat them.
** [[Chris DeRose]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20111012130026/http://veganeasy.org/Chris-DeRose &quot;Chris DeRose: Vegan Easy Challenge Ambassador&quot;, interview with ''VeganEasy.org'' (2011)].

* I think it’s more difficult to be vegan than [[LGBT|gay]]. I think people have a harder time accepting it; people feel more uncomfortable with a vegan at their dinner table than they do a lesbian. It’s confronting. It’s kind of suggesting that what someone else is doing is bad or wrong, and it hits them on a more personal level. ... If somebody is setting there eating a steak watching you eat polenta, they’re thinking that you’re trying to preach to them or you’re trying to convert them in some way. Whereas with being gay, I don’t think anyone’s concerned that that’s the agenda. “Hey, Mom, you also have to be gay. I’m gay and so should you be!” Certainly when I told her that I was vegan, it forced her to look at her habits.
** [[Portia de Rossi]], interview for ''VegNews'' magazine, July/August 2011 issue. Quoted in ''[http://vegetarianstar.com/2011/07/07/portia-de-rossi-on-vegnews-julyaugust-2011-issue/ VegetarianStar.com]''.
[[File:Will Tuttle at the Intersectional Justice Conference.jpg|thumb|The contemporary vegan movement is founded on loving-kindness and mindfulness of our effects on others. It is revolutionary because it transcends and renounces the violent core of the herding culture in which we live. ~ [[Will Tuttle]]]]

* I’m vegan. it’s really changed, like, my eyes, my, you know, everything.
** [[Portia de Rossi]], said in her shoot for People’s most beautiful list, as quoted in [http://www.ecorazzi.com/2013/04/26/portia-de-rossi-stays-youthful-with-vegan-diet/ &quot;Portia de Rossi Stays Youthful with Vegan Diet&quot;, in ''Ecorazzi'' (26 April 2013)].

* Vegan is a term that refers to people who have chosen a way of living guided by [[ahimsa]] (nonharming) and reverence for life. ... Vegans recognize the value of life to all living creatures and extend to them the compassion, kindness, and justice in [[Golden Rule|The Golden Rule]]. Vegans see animals as free entities in nature, not slaves or vassals, nor as chattel, pieces of goods to be bought and sold. An animal has feelings, an animal has sensitivity, an animal has a place in life, and the vegan respects this life that is manifest in the animal. Vegans do not wish to harm the animal any more than they would want the animal to harm them. This is an example of The Golden Rule precisely as it should be applied.
** [[H. Jay Dinshah]], [http://www.americanvegan.org/animals.html &quot;Go Vegan for the Animals&quot; (adapted from &quot;Let’s Talk about Veganism&quot; in ''Powerful Vegan Messages'', 2014), in the American Vegan Society website].

* I have been a vegetarian for a few years and just recently I have become a vegan ... I took this step following my inner feeling. ... If we think for a moment how man manages animals and what impact he has on animal world we could say he was not human at all. Just think of all slaughter houses and production of beef or poultry where conditions for animals are impossible. Animals are transported in lorries many times without any water, which is extremely cruel. It is not that people are bad, they just don't think about it. ... it is unreasonable to expect from people with lower levels of consciousness, who are cruel to animals, to end wars, to stop manipulating others, to help eradicate world poverty. In short as long as consciousness level is low all the disagreements in the world today will remain and possibly increase to the point of annihilation of humans.
** [[Janez Drnovšek]], [http://www.osvoboditev-zivali.org/?arhv=01738 “Vegetarianism would increase the chance for long-term survival of mankind,” interview with ''Osvoboditev živali'' (January 2006)].

* I guess I'm a very compassionate person so hearing about animal abuse kind of triggered something in me that maybe I should try it... I'm really into health and fitness and wellness, so this kind of tied into it. I thought I was just going to do it until the (2010) Olympics, but then I didn't go to the Olympics, and then I ended up liking it so much, I think I'll be a vegan for the rest of my life. ... My energy is so much better, I don't hit that wall at 2 o'clock or 3 o'clock in the afternoon, I sleep well, my skin is better, everything just feels well. And it transfers into my attitude, everything in my life has just become a lot calmer, everything I'm putting in me is clean and genuine and organic and in turn, the way I live my life has started to follow that path.
** [[Meagan Duhamel]], [http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2012/02/07/canadian-pairs-champ-meag_n_1261130.html &quot;Canadian pairs champ Meagan Duhamel credits vegan diet for good health&quot;] by Lori Ewing, [[w:The Canadian Press|The Canadian Press]], in ''The Huffington Post Canada'' (2 July 2012).

== E ==

* As a physician I am embarrassed by the lack of initiative and obstructionist policies of my own medical profession toward healthier lifestyles. This is not surprising. Physicians lack training and knowledge of nutrition and are self-serving when they proclaim “patients won't follow plant-based nutrition.” Having counseled patients with severe coronary artery heart disease for over twenty years, I find the opposite to be true. Patients sent home to die by expert cardiologists after failing bypass or stents rejoice as they lose weight, eliminate angina chest pains, lessen their medication, lower their blood sugars, decrease or come off their insulin, revert their positive stress test back to normal, selectively diminish the plaque plugging their arteries, and resume a fully active life empowered by the knowledge that they, not their physicians, have become the locus of control for the disease that was destroying them.
** [[Caldwell Esselstyn]], [https://books.google.it/books?id=6Aosc1wlAXcC&amp;pg=PA1 Foreword] to ''No More Bull!'' by [[Howard Lyman]] (New York: Scribner, 2005).

== F ==

* I don’t necessarily trust the way the food is being processed. I don’t agree with the way the animals are mass-slaughtered. So that’s one thing that kind of got me looking at what they call a vegan diet. ... My mind is extremely clear. I’m not easily flustered [now]. My attitude is totally different. I had a really bad temper growing up, something I worked on for years. And now I’m able to recognize different emotions and I’m not governed by them. Doesn’t mean I don’t have them. I’m human. But I’m not easily moved. ... I think a lot of people look at things as being restrictions, but that kind of shows me the way they view life. I don’t view it as restriction ― I look at what I ''can'' eat, what’s going to be the best source of energy for me.
** [[Kendrick Farris]], [https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/kendrick-farris-olympics-vegan_us_57ab6be7e4b0db3be07ccc07?guccounter=1 &quot;Kendrick Farris, The Only Male U.S. Weightlifter In The Olympics, Is Totally Vegan&quot;, interview with ''HuffPost'' (10 August 2016)].
[[File:Ellen DeGeneres-2009.jpg|thumb|I personally chose to go vegan because I educated myself on factory farming and cruelty to animals, and I suddenly realized that what was on my plate were living things, with feelings. And I just couldn’t disconnect myself from it any longer. ~ [[Ellen DeGeneres]]]]

* Everyone has a goal, and mine right now is to become vegan – I think of them as modern saints, as they make sacrifices for a better, collective good.
** [[Elio Fiorucci]], [https://www.finedininglovers.com/stories/interview-vegetarian-designer-elio-fiorucci/ &quot;Elio Fiorucci: Fashion, Love Therapy &amp; Vegetarianism&quot;, interview with Roberta Schira, in ''FineDiningLovers.com'' (15 November 2013)].

* One of the main arguments that I make is that although almost everyone accepts that it is morally wrong to inflict &quot;unnecessary&quot; suffering and death on animals, 99% of the suffering and death that we inflict on animals can be justified ''only'' by our pleasure, amusement, or convenience. For example, the best justification that we have for killing the billions of nonhumans that we eat every year is that we enjoy the taste of animal flesh and animal products. This is not an acceptable justification if we take seriously, as we purport to, that it is wrong to inflict unnecessary suffering or death on animals, and it illustrates the confused thinking that I characterize as our &quot;moral schizophrenia&quot; when it comes to nonhumans.
** [[Gary L. Francione]], [http://www.abolitionistapproach.com/vivisection-part-one-the-necessity-of-vivisection/#.VoMPQraLRkg &quot;Vivisection, Part One: The “Necessity” of Vivisection&quot;, in ''Animal Rights: The Abolitionist Approach'' (25 April 2007)].

* Soon, you'll notice people (especially men) flocking to the new you. Not just because you're skinny but because you are happier, healthier, and eating a cruelty-free diet. So feel free to share your new wealth of information with everyone who asks. Spread the good word, but be careful not to preach. You'll see that some people get very defensive about their diets when you tell them about yours. Even if you are being very non-judgmental, people may feel threatened by your righteousness. Understandably, your being a vegan shines a spotlight on the cruelty they're contributing to, and it makes them feel uncomfortable.
** Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin, ''[[Skinny Bitch]]'' (Philadelphia: Running Press, 2005), ch. 13.

* Being a veganist is good for your health, it's good for the environment, and it's certainly good for the animals, but it also has a powerful spiritual component. When you begin eating consciously, with compassion and thoughtfulness, you attain a certain lightness and inner peace, a sense of connectedness to the larger world.
** [[Kathy Freston]], ''[https://books.google.it/books?id=mwdj9v_wlZkC&amp;pg=PA0 Veganist: Lose Weight, Get Healthy, Change the World]'' (New York: Weinstein Books, 2011), p. ix.

== G ==

* When we have a choice it is always best to choose kindness. Veganism is simply the kinder choice.
** [[Sharon Gannon]], [http://thekindlife.com/blog/2014/09/an-interview-with-world-renowned-yogini-sharon-gannon/ “An Interview With World-Renowned Yogini Sharon Gannon” by Alicia Silverstone, in ''TheKindLife.com'' (17 September 2014)].

* To be a joyful vegan in the world today is to become involved in the most radical, positive, political revolution ever. A fork can be a weapon of mass destruction or an instrument of peace. Everything a vegan eats or consumes reflects a choice that takes into account the well-being of others rather than just ourselves—and that ''is'' a big difference. Each one of us can make a huge difference by choosing not to eat animals. By choosing kindness over cruelty, we contribute to the sustainability of our planet Earth and can even change the destiny of our species and all the species on Earth. ... To become a vegan is by far the best way we have at this time in history to contribute to peace on Earth. Being a vegan in the world today is to be involved in a nonviolent, direct-action protest against cruelty and an affirmation of kindness.
** [[Sharon Gannon]], ''Simple Recipes for Joy'' (New York: Penguin, 2014, ebook edition), [https://books.google.it/books?id=a2dVAwAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PT32 pp. 32]-33.
[[File:Ellen Page.jpg|thumb|Why are vegans made fun of while the inhumane factory farming process regards animals and the natural world merely as commodities to be exploited for profit? ~ [[Ellen Page]]]]

* Over a year ago I changed my diet to a vegan diet, really just to experiment to see what it was like. And I felt better, so I continued with it. Now, for many people, that choice is connected to environmental ethics and health issues and all that stuff, but I just wanted to try it to see what it was like. In a visceral way, I felt better, so I've continued with it and I'm likely to continue it for the rest of my life.
** [[Al Gore]], &quot;[http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/820985#vp_7 Al Gore on Medicine's Inconvenient Truths]&quot;, interview with [[w:Eric Topol|Eric Topol]], page 7 of 8, in ''{{w|Medscape}}'' (7 March 2014).

* A plant-based diet is like a one-stop shop against chronic diseases.
** [[Michael Greger]], quoted in [[James E. McWilliams]], [https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2012/01/the-evidence-for-a-vegan-diet/251498/ &quot;The Evidence for a Vegan Diet&quot;, in ''The Atlantic'' (18 January 2012)].

* When you’re treating diseases with drugs, you know there’s one drug you take for cholesterol, a different class of drugs you take for high blood pressure, different class of drugs you take for diabetes, but, with diet, a plant-based diet affects all these diseases. One diet to kinda rule them all.
** [[Michael Greger]], interview in the documentary ''[[What the Health]]'' by Kip Andersen (2017).

== H ==
* I watched a TV documentary about how animals are farmed, killed and prepared for us to eat. I saw all those cows and pigs and realised I couldn’t be a part of it any more. It was horrible. I did some research to make sure I could still obtain enough protein to fight and, once satisfied that I could, I stopped [eating animal products]. I’ll never go back.
** [[David Haye]], reported in [http://www.peta.org.uk/blog/petas-sexiest-vegan-celebrities-2014-thandie-newton-david-haye-nab-top-honours/ “PETA’s Sexiest Vegan Celebrities of 2014: Thandie Newton and David Haye Nab Top Honours!,” in ''Peta.org.uk'' (23 December 2014)].
[[File:Liam Hemsworth June 2016.jpg|thumb|I feel nothing but positive, mentally and physically. I love it. I feel like it also has a kind of a domino effect on the rest of my life. ~ [[Liam Hemsworth]]]]

* We all wanna feel great. We all wanna look great, have more energy. The most important thing is about having the right fuel in your body. I can't remember feeling this great in my whole 32 years of my life.
** [[Lewis Hamilton]], on his vegan lifestyle. Interview in the documentary-film ''[[The Game Changers]]'' by Louie Psihoyos (2018)&lt;!-- 1:18:12 --&gt;.

* It's been at least 20 years. I used to eat burgers and steak, and I would just be knocked out afterward; I had to give it up. The first thing was dairy. I was about 24 years old and I had tons of acne and mucus. I met some random girl on a bus who told me to quit dairy and all those symptoms would go away three days later. By God she was right.
** [[Woody Harrelson]], explaining why he became vegan. Interview with ''[[w:Maxim (magazine)|Maxim]]'', as quoted in [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/09/23/woody-harrelsons-vegan-ac_n_295765.html &quot;Woody Harrelson’s Vegan Acne Cure&quot;, in ''HuffingtonPost.com'' (23 September 2009)].

* My attitude toward becoming a vegan was similar to [[Augustine of Hippo|Augustine]]’s attitude toward becoming celibate — “God grant me abstinence, but not yet.” But with animal agriculture as the leading cause of species extinction, water pollution, ocean dead zones and habitat destruction, and with the death spiral of the ecosystem ever more pronounced, becoming vegan is the most important and direct change we can immediately make to save the planet and its species. It is one that my wife — who was the engine behind our family’s shift — and I have made.
** [[Chris Hedges]], [https://www.truthdig.com/articles/saving-the-planet-one-meal-at-a-time/ &quot;Saving the Planet, One Meal at a Time&quot;], ''{{w|Truthdig}}'' (10 November 2014).

*After all the information I gathered about the mistreatment of animals, I couldn’t continue to eat meat. The more I was aware of, the harder and harder it was to do. ... I went and saw a nutritionist to do a blood-diet analysis. He basically told me, based on my blood type and all the other different little tests they do, that red meat was good for me, and I should eat a lot more red meat and various other foods. So I started doing that, and the more red meat I ate, the worse I felt. At the same time, I have a lot of friends who are vegan. [''Hunger Games'' co-star] [[Woody Harrelson]] was actually one of the original reasons I became vegan, because he’s been vegan for, I don’t know, 30 years or something. So, with the facts I was gathering, and then just how I was physically feeling, I felt like I had to do something different, so I adopted this vegan-diet lifestyle. ... I feel nothing but positive, mentally and physically. I love it. I feel like it also has a kind of a domino effect on the rest of my life.
** [[Liam Hemsworth]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20151021012752/http://www.mensfitness.com/life/entertainment/liam-hemsworth-force-nature &quot;Liam Hemsworth: A Force of Nature&quot;], interview with ''{{w|Men's Fitness}}'' (7 October 2015).

== J ==

* It started with me being a vegetarian, and then it eventually moved towards veganism. Now it's permanent. It's a true way of life. As a professional athlete, my diet helps me tremendously. There's no difficulty in me making weight before fights, or maintaining it. I feel better than ever, light on my feet... Heck, I even think with a more clear mind, all from my eating the right choices for me and my body. I research everyday on veganism, learning new things daily, which is pretty cool.
** [[Bryant Jennings]], [https://hypefreshmag.com/culture/exclusive-bryant-jennings-the-man-behind-the-gloves &quot;Exclusive: Bryant Jennings: The Man Behind The Gloves&quot;, interview with ''Hypefresh Magazine'' (18 April 2015)].
[[File:Russell Simmons 2012 Shankbone.JPG|thumb|The more I learned about factory farming... the more I realized that I could not, in good conscience, be a contributor to such violence. ~ [[Russell Simmons]]]]

* I was raised Vegan since birth. ... I remember watching undercover investigation videos and reading the pamphlets that were mailed to the house when we were kids—I felt deeply for the animals at an early age. I remember how the other parents of my childhood friends would either get upset or interested when their kids would come home after sleepovers at my house—I felt it was my duty to show my friends what was happening to animals. ... Veganism is the ultimate form of compassion. ... I never considered my being Vegan was for health reasons—it was always for the love and respect I had for animals. And because of that love and respect I have for non-human animals my compassion flows over to all living beings, of all types. ... I am encouraged by compassionate souls and the love I see in the eyes of those I've committed my life to stand up for.
** [[Seba Johnson]], [http://www.vivalavegan.net/articles/561-interview-with-seba-johnson-vegan-olympic-ski-racer.html &quot;Interview with Seba Johnson: Vegan Olympic Ski Racer&quot;, in ''Viva La Vegan!'' (August 2013)].

* I’ve only known a vegan life and have been constantly teaching others of the joys and benefits of being a vegan ... As an adult, I THANK my Mother profusely for being extremely honest with me as a kid and for never hiding the truth about milk, “meat”, animal experimentation ... There is [[speciesism]] and that is about as cruel as it gets because it sets the stage and practice for cruelty amongst human beings. ... Discrimination is discrimination—as abuse ''is'' abuse ... regardless of an animals human or nonhuman form, gender, ethnicity, ability, sexual orientation or level of intelligence/knowledge it should be our birthright to LIVE our lives peacefully and harmoniously without inflicting pain on others. People who inflict intentional pain without moral or ethical regard for other human or nonhuman animals are just reminders of how much further we have to go until oppression is completely eradicated.
** [[Seba Johnson]], [http://www.theghostsinourmachine.com/interview-with-seba-johnson/ &quot;Interview with Seba Johnson&quot;, in ''The Ghosts in Our Machine'' (2014)].

* I'm healthier and I can run longer and faster because I eat a plant-based diet. But I don't preach to my carnivorous friends or lambaste anyone who eats a baked potato slathered with butter and sour cream. Anyone who pays attention to what they eat and how it affects them will naturally move toward plants — and toward health.
** [[Scott Jurek]], ''[https://books.google.it/books?id=WDwS3NAS26gC&amp;pg=PA0 Eat &amp; Run: My Unlikely Journey to Ultramarathon Greatness]'' (Boston and New York: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 2012), ch. 15, p. 149.

== K ==

* Veganism has given me a higher level of awareness and spirituality, primarily because the energy associated with eating has shifted to other areas. ... If you're violent to yourself by putting [harmful] things into your body that violate its spirit, it will be difficult not to perpetuate that [violence] onto someone else.
** [[Dexter Scott King]], [https://books.google.it/books?id=SgcAAAAAMBAJ&amp;pg=PA128 &quot;A King Among Men&quot;, interview with Jill Howard Church, in ''Vegetarian Times'', Issue 218 (October 1995), p. 128].
[[File:Seba blueshirt 3 web2.jpg|thumb|Veganism is the ultimate form of compassion. ~ [[Seba Johnson]]]]

* The very saddest sound in all my memory was burned into my awareness at age five on my uncle's dairy farm in Wisconsin. A cow had given birth to a beautiful male calf. The mother was allowed to nurse her calf but for a single night. On the second day after birth, my uncle took the calf from the mother and placed him in the veal pen in the barn—only ten yards away, in plain view of the mother. The mother cow could see her infant, smell him, hear him, but could not touch him, comfort him, or nurse him. The heartrending bellows that she poured forth—minute after minute, hour after hour, for five long days—were excruciating to listen to. They are the most poignant and painful auditory memories I carry in my brain. Since that age, whenever I hear anyone postulate that animals cannot really feel emotions, I need only to replay that torturous sound in my memory of that mother cow crying her bovine heart out to her infant. Mother's love knows no species barriers, and I believe that all people who are vegans in their hearts and souls know that to be true.
** [[Michael Klaper]], quoted in ''The Vegan Sourcebook'' by [[Joanne Stepaniak]] (Lowell House, 1998), pp. 39-40.

* If I could deliver one message to the researchers who are looking for the cause of diabetes, and the cause of clogged arteries, and the cause of high blood pressure, and the cause of obesity, I would tell them the answer is in three words. It's the food! ... If people adopted a plant-based diet, the changes we would see in our individual health, in our national health situation and in this physical, environmental world we live in, would be so profound.
** [[Michael Klaper]], interview in the documentary ''[[What the Health]]'' by Kip Andersen (2017).

* I’ve been a vegan now since 1995, that would be more than 14 years, and as a result I’ve had tremendous health... great energy, clarity — I’ve had the ability to connect my dietary choices with my health. I had Crohn’s growing up and I had a pretty serious bout with it throughout my thirties and forties. When I changed my diet, the symptoms began to disappear. And I started to understand also how the choice of diet affects the environment, resources, energy — it’s a spiritual choice, as well. And so if I had one day to make an imprint on the nation, I’d look at the choices that we make as respect to food. Also, the matters of compassion towards living creatures who become food. We need to be more thoughtful as a nation about the choices that we make and the food that we consume.
** [[Dennis Kucinich]], interview on Reddit, quoted in [http://www.ecorazzi.com/2009/12/21/dennis-kucinich-wants-to-give-a-vegan-chocolate-chip-brownie-to-the-world/ &quot;Dennis Kucinich Wants To Give Vegan Chocolate Chip Brownies To The World&quot;, in ''Ecorazzi'' (21 December 2009)].

* Each time we eat we are choosing to support a system. In our choice of agricultural production methods, we can support one which either helps our future, or one which undermines it. The same is true of our actual dietary choices we make. The healthiest diet is one rich in fresh fruit and vegetables, whole grains and legumes, low in animal products. This is better for the environment, our health and of course animals. I'm a vegan because I care for animals and for the future of our planet. Additionally, a vegan diet helps to prevent and reverse a range of non-communicable diseases including heart disease, high blood pressure, cholesterol, type II diabetes. Each time we eat, we are either feeding disease, or fighting it.
** [[Elizabeth Kucinich]], [https://www.elizabethkucinich.com/issues &quot;Food, Regenerative Agriculture &amp; Climate&quot;, in ''ElizabethKucinich.com'' (2016)].

== L ==

* I want to ... empower other women to go vegan to feel better about their body and to live a compassionate lifestyle. ... I'm vegan for the animals. If you go into the factory farms, when you see what these animals endure and the torture, it's not right and the only way to not participate in that is to go vegan.
** [[Bonnie-Jill Laflin]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-IT0K1OpYCo&amp;t=3s &quot;Strong Vegan Woman, NBA&quot;, video interview with PETA (25 July 2017)].
[[File:Dave Leduc WLC Post fight.jpg|thumb|Veganism. It’s not a diet, it’s a philosophy, which aims to cause as less cruelty around you as practically possible. ~ [[Dave Leduc]]]]

* Veganism. It’s not a diet, it’s a philosophy, which aims to cause as less cruelty around you as practically possible.
** [[Dave Leduc]], [https://plantbasednews.org/culture/sport/world-champion-lethwei-fighter-dave-leduc-says-being-vegan-is-a-philosophy-not-a-diet/ ''Plant Based News''], (2nd February, 2021)

* In fact, my best year of track competition was the first year I ate a vegan diet. Moreover, by continuing to eat a vegan diet, my weight is under control, I like the way I look. (I know that sounds vain, but all of us want to like the way we look.) I enjoy eating more, and I feel great. ... I remember vividly making the decision in July of 1990 to become a vegan. ... And I had my best year as an athlete ever! ... Your body is your temple. If you nourish it properly, it will be good to you and you will increase its longevity.
** [[Carl Lewis]], [https://books.google.it/books?id=gRB5UjsxHy0C&amp;pg=PT5 introduction] to ''Very Vegetarian'' by Jannequin Bennett (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2001).

* Eating vegan is NOT...... a way for you to feel superior to other people... Hey, we're all human... composed of similar weaknesses and flaws... And for a lot of people, one big commonality is that we want to matter... to stand out... to be special. A productive way to achieve... is to do things like learn... work out, and have stimulating conversations with interesting people...  a less productive way... is to try to put people down... some vegans ...adopted a super-aggro vegan stance purely as a way to make other people feel shitty and make themselves seem, by contrast, superior... We don't believe in that... we want people to eat vegan because of the amazing, compelling reasons to eat vegan...
** Matt Letten, Phil Letten, [https://books.google.com/books?id=79k0DwAAQBAJ ''Vodka is Vegan''], (5 Jun 2018)

* Only by discarding a diet based on rotting corpses could men become sane. The fantasy of needing a blood-diet, a corpse-diet, was inseparable from the distorted relation to the parents I had been trying to clarify in myself and which one way or another existed in everyone. The corpse-eater was still in fantasy feeding on the parents. We discussed these ideas and decided to eat no more meat, no more animal products of any kind (such as milk, cheese, eggs) and to discard mineral salt. Apart from a few extreme applications of our position, when I tried to eat such nauseous things as raw potatoes, we found that we felt very much better in health.
** [[Jack Lindsay]], ''Fanfrolico and After'' (London: Bodley Head, 1962), pp. 217-218.
[[File:Portia de Rossi.jpg|thumb|I’m vegan. It’s really changed, like, my eyes, my, you know, everything. ~ [[Portia de Rossi]]]]

* I do recommend the vegan diet because you wake up and feel great!
** [[Jennifer Lopez]], interview with New York radio station Z100, as quoted in [http://www.ecorazzi.com/2014/05/13/jennifer-lopez-feels-great-on-vegan-diet/ &quot;Jennifer Lopez Feels 'Great' on Vegan Diet!&quot;, in ''Ecorazzi'' (13 May 2014)].

* For those who are still merely vegetarian and not yet vegan, I ask, what in heaven's name are you waiting for? If you are trying to avoid the health pitfalls of eating carcasses—high fat, saturated fat, and cholesterol content; lack of fiber; deficiency of vitamins and enzymes; abundance of stored toxins—well, then take a good look at the dairy you're eating. Dairy is basically liquid meat without the iron. ... Milk should be viewed as no more or less than what it is: a delivery system for fat, cholesterol, blood, pus, antibiotics, and carcinogenic growth hormones. ... If your reason for abstaining from meat has more to do with an emotional attachment to animals than a concern for your health, then understand that dairy cows are truly sick, miserable, abused creatures ... Someone who has become vegetarian for emotional reasons ought to switch to the vegan diet as swiftly and surely as someone brought to vegetarianism for reasons of health. 
** [[Howard Lyman]] with Glen Merzer and Joanna Samorow-Merzer, ''No More Bull!: The Mad Cowboy Targets America's Worst Enemy: Our Diet'' (New York: Scribner, 2005), [https://books.google.it/books?id=6Aosc1wlAXcC&amp;pg=PA79 pp. 79]-80.
[[File:Evanna Lynch Headshot 2018.jpg|thumb|I think the root of this whole lifestyle is Compassion. It’s a daily reminder that we are all one. I believe veganism is what will heal this planet. ~ [[Evanna Lynch]]]]

* I have this small but sure voice deep inside me that says ‘NO’ every time I witness violence and I don’t ever want to stifle that voice with apathy. Supporting animal abuse in any way quiets that voice. To hurt animals is to disconnect me from that most caring, compassionate voice. I see them as such spiritual creatures, much more awake than humans and I feel if I can accept the abuse of these innocent, sentient creatures and my role in it then I could easily become apathetic about...well, everything, and that is a scary thought. I guess what I’m saying is veganism was always my nature but it wasn’t nurtured in me so it took me a long time to make the connection. I had gone vegetarian when I was 11 because I was viscerally repelled by the idea of eating animal flesh and there was no way to avoid the fact that someone had been killed for that piece of meat. ... it took me until 2015 to become fully vegan. ... I think the root of this whole lifestyle is Compassion. It’s a daily reminder that we are all one. I believe veganism is what will heal this planet. 
** [[Evanna Lynch]], [https://www.veganfoodandliving.com/vegan-lifestyle/interviews/exclusive-interview-with-evanna-lynch/ &quot;EXCLUSIVE: Interview with Evanna Lynch&quot;], Veganfoodandliving.com (19 October 2016).

== M ==

* Do not unjustly eat fish the water has given up,&lt;br /&gt;
:And do not desire as food the flesh of slaughtered animals,&lt;br /&gt;
:Or the white milk of mothers who intended its pure draught
:for their young, not noble ladies.
:And do not grieve the unsuspecting birds by taking eggs;
:for injustice is the worst of crimes.
:And spare the honey which the bees get industriously
:from the flowers of fragrant plants;
:For they did not store it that it might belong to others,
:Nor did they gather it for bounty and gifts.
:I washed my hands of all this; and wish that I
:Perceived my way before my hair went gray
:* [[Al-Maʿarri]], as quoted in [[:w:Reynold_A._Nicholson|Reynold A. Nicholson]], ''Studies in Islamic Poetry'' (Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 1921), &quot;The Meditations of Al-Maʿarri&quot;, [[iarchive:studiesinislamic00nichuoft/page/134|pp. 134–135]].

* I remember one day in August of 2003 I made the decision to become (near) vegan and that once the decision was made I felt great emotional alignment within my heart. I knew this was the right thing for me to do and I also knew that I was making a decision that I would be committed to for the rest of my life. At last my beliefs and my ethics had come into alignment.
** [[John Mackey (businessman)|John Mackey]], as quoted in [[Jeffrey Moussaieff Masson|Jeffrey M. Masson]], ''The Face on Your Plate: The Truth About Food'' (New York: Norton &amp; Company, 2009), Introduction, [https://books.google.it/books?id=-LeUV2wr2BoC&amp;pg=PA15 p. 15].

* Many years ago, when I was merely a vegetarian, I met the great [[Cesar Chavez]], and he said to me: &quot;If you are interested in preventing animal suffering, the first thing you should give up is eggs and milk, because the animals who produce those foods lead the most unhappy lives. You would do better to eat meat and stop eating eggs and dairy products.&quot; I was shocked, since I had no intention of eating meat but had never thought of giving up eggs or dairy products. But when I looked into it I realized he was right, and now, years later, after I have studied the matter up close, I know for certain that he was completely correct about the cruel treatment of the animals raised for such products. The advantages of a vegan diet are enormous for our health, for the environment, for the animals themselves.
** [[Jeffrey Moussaieff Masson|Jeffrey M. Masson]], ''[https://books.google.it/books?id=RbxeFLpNnxUC&amp;pg=PA0 The Pig Who Sang to the Moon: The Emotional World of Farm Animals]'' (New York: Ballantine Books, 2004), Conclusion, p. 226.

* Among the many prejudices against vegans is the belief that they are always preaching to others and trying to convert them. I do not think that is true; we are incredibly tolerant. We are always polite when others ask, “Don’t you ever get tempted by a bacon sandwich?”... In fact, most vegans I know are rather coy about explaining why they are vegan, mostly because the question tends to be asked when we are sitting a dinner table full of meat eaters, and it seems rather impolite to answer. However, seeing as we are not at a dinner party now, here is the ethical case... If people are vegetarians for ethical reasons—because they believe that killing and eating animals is wrong—they really ought to be vegan, too. The average human eats more than 11,000 animals in his or her lifetime, but millions of calves and chicks are also killed every year as “waste products” of milk and egg production.
** [[Kerry McCarthy]], [http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm201011/cmhansrd/cm111101/debtext/111101-0004.htm#1111025000002 Debate on World Vegan Day] (transcript in www.parliament.uk), [[w:House of Commons of the United Kingdom|House of Commons]], 1 November 2011.
[[File:RZA 2009 (cropped).jpg|thumb|When you think about a better tomorrow, you think about veganism in the world. ~ [[RZA]]]]

* Vegans are duly rewarded for their deep sacrifice when they discover that, in fact, plants provide all of the protein, amino acids, essential fats, vitamins, and minerals they need, and that eliminating meat and dairy from their diet provides a great many health benefits.
** [[John A. McDougall]], ''The Starch Solution'' (New York: Rodale Books, 2013), ch. 10, [https://books.google.it/books?id=if9YAQAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PA146 p. 146].

* The transformations initiated by a healthy vegan diet go well beyond physical health. For those who want it to be, a plant-based diet is also a potent political comment on our broken food system. ... we're looking at a diet for which the ultimate beneficiary is the individual. Healthy veganism explicitly serves no corporate or industrial gods. In fact, it counters these interests. ... If the prospect of simultaneously giving corporate food executives nightmares while achieving personal dietary empowerment -- not to mention lowering your carbon footprint and minimizing animal suffering -- has any appeal, then veganism is for you.
** [[James E. McWilliams]], [https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2012/01/the-evidence-for-a-vegan-diet/251498/ &quot;The Evidence for a Vegan Diet&quot;, in ''The Atlantic'' (18 January 2012)].

* I came to the understanding that individually we are responsible for the way in which we live and for the care of our human frame by good nutrition, proper exercise and a balanced lifestyle. It is this, together with a strong focused mind, that enables us to draw from our vast inner resources and strength to make the most of our time on this planet. The changes in my life came by way of a massive physical and psychological shock and were implemented for the purpose of healing and motivating my recovery. A change in our diet and lifestyle of course can be started at any time, and is of interest to anybody wishing to maximise their health and vitality, leading to a more fulfilling life. This was how I discovered the benefits of cutting meat and dairy from my diet and then taking the correct care of my body’s nutritional requirements to help heal my mind, body and soul.
** [[Heather Mills]], [http://www.heathermills.org/veganism/ &quot;Discovering Veganism&quot;, in ''heathermills.org'' (2016)].

* A lot of people had doubted me when I first became vegan, but my energy levels increased incredibly and my iron, my B12, everything that people said would become deficient, were amazing. I thought, I'm gonna make sure I'm beating them all on the track. I mean, we're all friends, but it was pretty cool to finish my Australian domestic season undefeated. And to win the nationals was obviously that little cherry on top.
** [[Morgan Mitchell]], interview in the documentary-film ''[[The Game Changers]]'' by Louie Psihoyos (2018)&lt;!-- 12:40 --&gt;.

* Certainly, if the entire world decided to become vegan tomorrow, a whole host of the world's problems would disappear overnight. [[Climate change]] would decrease by 25 percent, deforestation would cease, rainforests would be preserved, our water- and air-quality would increase, life-expectancy rates would increase, and our rates of cancer would plummet, so certainly, with that one action of becoming vegan you are quite effectively making the world a better place.
** [[Moby]], responding to the question &quot;What do you think of the view that the adoption and promotion of veganism is the most important form of activism an animal advocate can undertake?&quot;, in [http://www.vegnews.com/web/articles/page.do?pageId=214&amp;catId=5 &quot;Interview with Moby&quot;, in ''VegNews'' (1 December 2008)].

* Mainly the fact that I love animals and don’t want to be involved in anything that causes or contributes to animal suffering. Also, I never really liked meat that much, unless it neither looked [n]or tasted like meat. Like taco filling. But, mainly because I love animals and don’t want them to suffer. Death is unavoidable, suffering is avoidable.
** [[Moby]], on what inspired him to become vegan, from an &quot;[https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/1x3ol1/i_am_musician_dj_photographer_and_director_moby/ Ask Me Anything&quot; session on Reddit]; as quoted in [http://www.ecorazzi.com/2014/02/06/vegan-veteran-moby-reveals-on-reddit-why-he-eschews-eating-animals/ &quot;Vegan Veteran Moby Reveals on Reddit Why He Eschews Eating Animals&quot;, in ''Ecorazzi'' (6 February 2014)].

* As a meat-eater, I've long found it convenient to categorise veganism as a response to animal suffering or a health fad. But, faced with these figures, it now seems plain that it's the only ethical response to what is arguably the world's most urgent social justice issue. We stuff ourselves, and the poor get stuffed.
** [[George Monbiot]], &quot;[http://www.guardian.co.uk/famine/story/0,12128,865087,00.html Why vegans were right all along: Famine can only be avoided if the rich give up meat, fish and dairy&quot;, in ''The Guardian'' (24 December 2002)].
[[File:Paul Watson portrait.jpg|thumb|V Stands for Verity, Virtue, Valor, Validity and Veganism. ~ [[Paul Watson]]]]

* For me, the essence of veganism is compassion ... not just compassion for animals, but all the way around.
** [[Victoria Moran]], ''Compassion, the Ultimate Ethic: An Exploration of Veganism'' (Wellingborough: Thorsons, 1985), p. 44.

* We've all heard it: vegans are cool and plant-based dining is hot. What other diet can promise to keep you trim without working at it, clear clogged arteries, save the lives of animals, and do more to stem climate change than driving a Prius—or not driving at all?
** [[Victoria Moran]] with Adair Moran, ''Main Street Vegan: Everything You Need to Know to Eat Healthfully and Live Compassionately in the Real World'' (New York: Penguin, 2012), [https://books.google.it/books?id=RSyom6UrjlUC&amp;pg=PT14 Introduction].

* 98 percent of the animals raised for food suffer horrifically on factory farms before being slaughtered. Every time you eat a vegan meal, you're voting for something different.
** [[Victoria Moran]], ''The Good Karma Diet: Eat Gently, Feel Amazing, Age in Slow Motion'' (New York: Penguin, 2015), [https://books.google.it/books?id=2b3sBAAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PT15 ch. 2].

* I believe that all creatures, all living creatures are born with the right, the inalienable right of freedom, freedom to live our own life in our own way in our own environment making our own decisions, every creature. I believe we are all equal. ... Most people have a problem becoming a vegan or stopping eating meat, but because of how I want to live in this world and how I want to treat other creatures, I have to be a vegan. In order for me to eat meat, I would have to change all of my other beliefs.
** [[Jim Morris (bodybuilder)|Jim Morris]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tUtv4slpm-U &quot;The Story of a 78-Year-Old Vegan Bodybuilder - Jim Morris: Lifelong Fitness&quot;, documentary-film on YouTube (11 March 2014)].

* I’ve also been on a pretty strict plant-based diet for 4 months now – feeling stronger, fitter, healthier and more productive. I ride longer distances on my bike, can do more pull-ups than ever, and my brain seems to have a larger capacity for new projects, problem solving, songwriting, and fielding random questions. My health and strength make me a better performer and all that combined gives me more confidence to go out in the world and shine my light. It also makes me a lot better in bed. ... For those curious or concerned about a plant-based diet, check out the film [[w:Forks Over Knives|Forks Over Knives]]. It’s a life changer. You can get all the protein you need from greens, quinoa, and hemp seed.
** [[Jason Mraz]], &quot;[http://jasonmraz.com/journal/2012/plant-based/ Plant-Based&quot;, in ''JasonMraz.com'' (19 January 2012)], quoted in &quot;[http://www.ecorazzi.com/2012/01/21/jason-mraz-is-stronger-and-better-in-bed-on-vegan-diet/ Jason Mraz Is 'Stronger' and 'Better in Bed' on Vegan Diet&quot;, in ''Ecorazzi'' (21 January 2012)].

* Veganism started off as a willpower challenge for me from vegetarianism. ... I just walked into year three, so I'm still a brand-new vegan, but I've learned so much ... and it's done wonders for my entire life. Some of the changes that I've experienced being vegan: I'm no longer anemic. ... I don't get sick! And my skin is clear. I lost 30 pounds. ... Everything in my life has benefited me just eating natural foods, and the more information about the truths and the harsh realities of treatment of animals as well as the process of manufacturing food or meat products—including seafood, including the dairy industry, which I was oblivious to being a vegetarian—prompted me to continue this journey, which I'm very proud of, but it's impossible to turn back, because I no longer see product—I see process. 
** [[Mýa]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rax-2smxzpk &quot;Proud Vegan: 'I No Longer See Product—I See Process'&quot;, video interview with PETA (12 October 2016)].

== N ==

* Although my veganism started out absolutely about health, it's also become about the environment and animal cruelty. The way animals are treated and the conditions are atrocious. They're force fed steroids, the chickens are de-beaked. You end up eating sick, diseased chickens because they're living in shit. It's like a holocaust on animals.
** [[Daniel Negreanu]], [https://munchies.vice.com/en_us/article/mgxwwb/being-vegan-makes-me-a-better-poker-player &quot;Being Vegan Makes Me a Better Poker Player&quot;, interview with Samantha Rea in ''Munchies.Vice.com'' (5 May 2015)].

* As I learned more about veganism, and animal farms and the way animals were treated, it just disgusted me to the point where I could never imagine eating animals again.
** [[Daniel Negreanu]], [https://www.veganlifemag.com/daniel-negeanu-vegan-poker/ &quot;Kid Poker – Vegan Daniel Negeanu Dominates the Card Scene&quot;, interview with Sophie Jackson of ''PokerListings.com'', reported in ''VeganLifeMag.com'' (7 August 2016)].
[[File:Scott Jurek, Ultramarathon Champion.jpg|thumb|I'm healthier and I can run longer and faster because I eat a plant-based diet. But I don't preach to my carnivorous friends or lambaste anyone who eats a baked potato slathered with butter and sour cream. Anyone who pays attention to what they eat and how it affects them will naturally move toward plants — and toward health. ~ [[Scott Jurek]]]]

* I became quite green - I have a very strong connection to nature. I read that if we fish the way we fish, in 2048 there will be no more fish left, which is pretty soon. So it's a statement.
** [[Petra Němcová]], explaining why she became vegan, spotted helping out at an [[w:Ovarian Cancer Research Fund|OCRF]] Benefit, as quoted in [http://www.celebrity-gossip.net/celebrities/hollywood/petra-nemcova-goes-vegan-for-the-fish-201498#blog &quot;Petra Nemcova Goes Vegan For The Fish&quot;, in ''Celebrity-Gossip.net'' (31 July 2007)].

* While expressing my milk realised that the equivalent for cows is my milk going to the mouths of people who murder and eat my family #VEGAN
** [[Thandie Newton]], [https://twitter.com/thandienewton/status/477086748728905728 tweet on Twitter (12 Jun 2014)]. Also quoted in [http://www.peta.org.uk/blog/petas-sexiest-vegan-celebrities-2014-thandie-newton-david-haye-nab-top-honours/ &quot;PETA’s Sexiest Vegan Celebrities of 2014: Thandie Newton and David Haye Nab Top Honours!&quot;, in ''Peta.org.uk'' (23 December 2014)].

* It's been about two years. More energy, my face clears up, weight falls off. I lost, like, 30 pounds! ... Initially, I watched the documentary ‘[[What the Health]]’, and to put it frankly, it p***ed me off. It really did. I was like, let me get this straight: The person giving you the disease and the person fighting the disease are in bed together? To hell with y'all. Out of spite, I went vegan because I was like, Y'all don't care.
** [[Ne-Yo]], [http://www.contactmusic.net/ne-yo/news/ne-yo-sheds-30-pounds-thanks-to-veganism_6268516 &quot;Ne-Yo sheds 30 pounds thanks to veganism&quot;, in ''Contactmusic.com'' (18 February 2019)].

* Some may suggest the promotion of veganism is injurious to the poor and marginalized human population of the world. It is true that many people around the world continue to exploit animals for basic subsistence. The continued use of both domesecrated and free-living animals as food because of the absence of other dietary alternatives, linked to [[poverty]], is itself an indictment of the [[capitalist]] system . . . Until nutritious, affordable plant-based food is available to all throughout the world, criticism of peoples who have no alternatives to exploiting animals for subsistence should be redirected against the capitalist system.
** [[David Nibert]], ''[http://cup.columbia.edu/book/animal-oppression-and-human-violence/9780231151894 Animal Oppression and Human Violence: Domesecration, Capitalism, and Global Conflict]'' ({{w|Columbia University Press}}, 2013), p. 262. &lt;small&gt;{{ISBN|978-0231151894}}&lt;/small&gt;

* Living a plant based life isn’t just about your food choices nor is it a “diet”; it is about living a healthy life while causing the least amount of harm to animals and our environment. You need to find your reasons for choosing this lifestyle and remember them if and when you think you might stray. Once you learn the real affects animal products have on your health and the environment, it will be an easy choice.
** [[Jayde Nicole]], [https://jaydenicole.com/blog-1/2017/11/30/starting-your-plant-based-lifestyle &quot;Starting Your Plant Based Lifestyle&quot;, in her official website ''JaydeNicole.com'' (30 November 2017)].

== O ==

* Obviously, the health benefits of being vegan are written in stone but I honestly believe the most benefit to me being vegan is that I do not carry the burden of guilt that I would have to endure knowing that I abused others for my own 'benefit'. ... Veganism is everything to me. It touches every part of my life. It is my life. I could not begin to imagine living my life any other way. ... Often people think we are weak in body and mind. They mistake our compassion for weakness. ... My strengths as an athlete are that I am not an athlete for myself. I am doing it for the benefit of others, which makes me work much harder to achieve. I am not selfish enough to want something this badly for myself. It makes me push myself that bit harder knowing that by doing well I can possibly convince others to consider a vegan lifestyle.
** [[Fiona Oakes]], [http://www.vivalavegan.net/list/3-articles/294-interview-with-fiona-oakes-vegan-marathon-runner.html &quot;Interview with Fiona Oakes: Vegan Marathon Runner&quot;, in ''Viva la Vegan!'' (31 May 2012)].

* Veganism is the direct response of my activism with animal rights. For me, to defend and protect animals means not to eat them, use them as clothes, use products tasted on them, pay people that want to show them in cages, all this. It is like someone that works for an ONG that protects children in poor countries: he would never buy products made by children under slavery conditions, wouldn’t he? It is a matter of being coherent with oneself, you cannot separate the two things.
** [[Roger Olmos]], [https://www.lospaziobianco.it/en/interview-with-roger-olmos/ &quot;Interview with Roger Olmos&quot;, in ''LoSpazioBianco.it'' (18 June 2018)].

* The word vegan should not just be used when referring to people who choose not to eat animal products because being vegan includes doing our best to abstain from participating in the other ways animals are exploited, including animal testing, wearing them, etc. Clearly there is a lot of buzz about the word vegan these days, which is great, but I think it is imperative that we keep the dialogue about this word focused on what it truly means. Veganism is simply about one's ethics and not contributing to the suffering of others.
** [[Lauren Ornelas]], [https://www.all-creatures.org/articles/even-lauren-ornelas.pdf &quot;Exclusive EVEN Interview with lauren Ornelas&quot;, in ''All-Creatures.org'' (March 2016)].

* My assistant showed me a video called Forks and Knives (sic) or something, about (cutting out) meat and dairy products, so I thought, 'I'll give this a shot!' ... I feel OK actually, I feel better about myself, you know? I go on binges... That's the reason why I decided to cut out meat out and dairy because I've limited what I can have because when you're on the road and you're travelling, you grab buns and... burgers are everywhere... so now I've just narrowed the margin. ... I'm not saying I'm gonna do it forever; I might go back - when my wife learns to cook, so that'll be never!
** [[Ozzy Osbourne]], on his new vegan diet in order to get healthier, in an interview on his wife [[w:Sharon Osbourne|Sharon]]'s US daytime talkshow ''The Talk'' (25 October 2011), as quoted in [http://www.contactmusic.com/ozzy-osbourne/news/ozzy-osbourne-trying-out-vegan-diet_1252586 &quot;Ozzy Osbourne Trying Out Vegan Diet&quot;, in ''Contactmusic.com'' (25 October 2011)].

== P ==
[[File:Daniela Sea cropped and retouched.jpg|thumb|Animals are not ours to torture and dominate. If I was to eat factory farm meat or dairy products I would be taking part in the torturing and killing of animals. There’s just no way! Animals are my friends, so why would I want to hurt them? ~ [[Daniela Sea]]]]

* Why are vegans made fun of while the inhumane factory farming process regards animals and the natural world merely as commodities to be exploited for profit?
** [[Ellen Page]], [https://twitter.com/ellenpage/status/47690929607409664 tweet on Twitter (15 March 2011)], quoted in [http://www.eonline.com/news/554500/jared-leto-ellen-page-named-sexiest-vegetarians &quot;Jared Leto and Ellen Page Named Sexiest Vegetarians&quot;, in ''E! Online'' (26 June 2014)].
*A global transition to a cruelty-free vegan diet won't just help non-human animals. The transition will also help malnourished humans who could benefit from the grain currently fed to factory-farmed animals. For factory-farming is not just cruel; it's energy-inefficient. Let’s take just one example. Over the past few decades, millions of Ethiopians have died of &quot;food shortages&quot; while Ethiopia grew grain to sell to the West to feed cattle. Western meat-eating habits prop up the price of grain so that poor people in the developing world can’t afford to buy it. In consequence, they starve by the millions.  In my work, I explore futuristic, hi-tech solutions to the problem of suffering. But anybody who seriously wants to reduce human and non-human suffering alike should adopt a cruelty-free vegan lifestyle today.
** [[David Pearce (philosopher)|David Pearce]], [https://www.hedweb.com/animals/interview.html &quot;A World Without Suffering?&quot; (January 2011)]

* Eating a vegan diet — it’s just so much healthier — and you avoid a lot of toxins that could age your skin and your body. I really noticed a difference in my skin not too long after switching to fully vegan. ... The older I’ve gotten, the more it’s occurred to me that I’m doing it in order to live longer, though the vanity component will always be there. ... I just told myself one day that I’m going to do it and I’m going to give myself eight weeks. And that I’m not going to commit on this for a lifetime because it’s psychologically huge for people to wrap their minds around it. And I’m just going to see how I feel, I’m going to test my blood again and see if there’s anything. Giving it that long you sort of get over the fact of feeling how big and difficult it is at the beginning. And if you really give yourself long enough to start feeling differently and sort of see the benefits then it will be great.
** [[Michelle Pfeiffer]], [http://urbanette.com/michelle-pfeiffer-interview/ &quot;Michelle Pfeiffer’s Big Secret: Michelle opens up to us about the lifestyle choice she’ll never give up, and her secret for staying young&quot;, interview with ''Urbanette'' (February 2016)].

* I went vegan for health reasons. I had that cholesterol, my choice was to either take medication that I didn’t want to take or change the way I eat. And I love a good challenge, so I walked out of the doctor’s office vegan. This is three years ago. I felt different pretty much immediately. I always had trouble with lingering throat inflammation, and I got rid of that immediately, and my skin cleared up. I slept better. ... Try it out and see how you feel. If you feel better after a week, try another week.
** [[Franka Potente]], &quot;[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2fth5hkjyns 'Bourne' Series Actor Franka Potente's Vegan Choice Changed Everything&quot;, video interview with PETA (9 August 2017)].

== R ==

* When you think about a better tomorrow, you think about veganism in the world. I don’t need a dead animal or dead piece of flesh to go into my live body. There’s nothing on this planet that doesn’t want to live. I had animals as friends, they were happy to see me in their own animal way. I’m quite sure they did not want to be on my plate. I think hip-hop has become more conscious about diet... You are what you eat, so if this cow who is stressed, dumbfounded, sick becomes your meal, when you eat it, you are eating that stress and sickness. You are eating that fear. My peers and people that are related to me appreciate the vegan lifestyle, it’s really spreading.
** [[RZA]], from [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-T8l9a89efk&amp;t=1s a PETA video (24 November 2014)]. Quoted in [http://www.nme.com/news/music/wu-tang-clan-14-1218001#WJmPuEwsm7yhA4ac.99 &quot;Wu-Tang Clan’s RZA says he refuses to put ‘dead animals’ in his ‘live body’ in PETA advert&quot;, in ''NME.com'' (24 November 2014)].

== S ==
[[File:Bryan Adams Hamburg MG 0631 flickr.jpg|thumb|My motto has always been “If you love animals, don’t eat them”. ... the moment I began to understand what was going on with the treatment of animals, it led me more and more in the way of the path I am [on] now, which is a complete vegan. ~ [[Bryan Adams]]]]

* I credit my plant-based diet with giving me the energy and stamina to help carry my teams to four NBA championship wins. ... Veganism has become a transformative part of my life and I have made it my mission to share the power of plant-based eating with the world. ... Vegan eating is not just a slam dunk for human health; it’s also the most effective way to combat climate change, according to a 2010 report by the United Nations. ... going vegan is one of the best things a person can do for their health, for animals, and for the environment.
** [[John Salley]], letter to [[Michelle Obama]], in [https://www.peta.org/blog/nba-champ-challenges-flotus-to-take-petas-vegan-pledge/ &quot;NBA Champ Challenges FLOTUS to Take PETA’s Vegan Pledge&quot;, in ''Peta.org'' (29 December 2015)].

* The meat industry doesn’t want you to think about all the animals they are torturing and killing. And they definitely don’t want you to think about all the diseases related to eating meat. Their only concern is making a profit. A long time ago I made a decision to quit eating meat and dairy products. Animals are not ours to torture and dominate. If I was to eat factory farm meat or dairy products I would be taking part in the torturing and killing of animals. There’s just no way! Animals are my friends, so why would I want to hurt them?
** [[Daniela Sea]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xc5mEqa6ar0 &quot;Daniela Sea Vegan PSA&quot;, ad for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (3 February 2009)].

* Veganism is not a fad, it's a healthy, lifestyle choice. … Yes I have a lot of plans to promote veganism in India. … I plan to rope in international chefs to whip up some delicious dishes. Once people see how nutritious and delicious vegan food can be, they’ll switch to a healthier dairy-free lifestyle.
** [[Mallika Sherawat]], quoted in [https://www.bollywoodhungama.com/news/bollywood/mallika-sherawat-promote-veganism-india/ &quot;Mallika Sherawat to promote veganism in India&quot;, in ''Bollywood Hungama'' (11 April 2018)].

* When I became vegan I stopped training for myself and started training with a purpose greater than my own. Veganism for me is about mindfulness. I do this to liberate animals. ... Before I went vegan I had tendonitis, and I would get joint aches and ligament strains, and my knees would be sore. All that went away as soon as I switched to a wholefood plant-based diet. It’s anti-inflammatory, and your digestive system gets a break. ... I didn’t understand what it meant to be an athlete. I was big, muscularly, but I was swollen; it wasn’t ‘healthy big’. Now I’m leaner, sharper, quicker, and my mind’s sharper too.
** [[Tim Shieff]], [https://www.vegansociety.com/whats-new/blog/interview-vegan-parkour-wonder-tim-shieff &quot;An interview with vegan parkour wonder Tim Shieff&quot;, interview with The Vegan Society (11 March 2016)].

* When I went vegetarian at age eleven, it was a remarkably easy transition. A boy at my school was attempting to kill creatures in the pond. When I tried to stop him, he said, “You eat animals,” like that meant I had no right to try and save something that could end up on my plate later. The hypocrisy of my actions became crystal clear in that moment. I decided, no more meat. ... When I first started working for two organizations supporting anti-factory farming, vegan outreach and humane education, my choice to go vegan became that much clearer. I realized veganism is the only diet that can change the world. ... You can expect a healthier body, and the feeling of pride that goes hand-in-hand with living according to your values. That’s something that many people aspire to, but few people achieve.
** [[Alicia Silverstone]], [http://thekindlife.com/blog/2013/04/how-to-transition-from-vegetarian-to-vegan/ &quot;How to Transition from Vegetarianism to Veganism&quot;, in ''The Kind Life'' (9 April 2013)].
[[File:Casey Affleck at the Manchester by the Sea premiere.jpg|thumb|When people ask me why I don’t eat meat or any other animal products, I say because they are unhealthy and they are the product of a violent and inhumane industry. ~ [[Casey Affleck]]]]

* [As a vegan] I feel better, I look better, so it’s a big change for me. You have more clarity and I think that all of us want to be more clear. I wanted to look younger and feel better and wanted to be a greater contributor to the good on the planet ... The more I learned about factory farming... the more I realized that I could not, in good conscience, be a contributor to such violence.
** [[Russell Simmons]], in 2008 to CNN. Quoted in [http://sojones.com/news/105789-russell-simmons-becomes-a-stamp/ &quot;Russell Simmons Becomes a Stamp&quot;, in ''SoJones.com'' (1 December 2011)].

* [As a vegan] I feel sexy. I feel confident. I’m healthier than ever. And my body is better than ever. ... What upsets me the most is the way animals are treated. There’s no difference between a cat and a dog and a pig and a cow. They’re all individuals that have their own fears and desires and personalities.
** [[Sofía Sisniega]], [https://www.petalatino.com/en/features/sofia-sisniega-gets-naked-animals/ &quot;Sofía Sisniega Gets Naked for Animals&quot;, interview with PETA Latino (August 2017)].

* In the final analysis, despite our diversity, there is only one type of vegan — a person who is committed to and practices reverence and respect for all life.
** [[Joanne Stepaniak]], ''Being Vegan: Living with Conscience, Conviction, and Compassion'' (Los Angeles: Lowell House, 2000), p. 5.

* Implementing a compassionate perspective that embraces all life is at the heart of being vegan.
** [[Joanne Stepaniak]], ''Being Vegan: Living with Conscience, Conviction, and Compassion'' (Los Angeles: Lowell House, 2000), p. 52.

* As far as a compassionate lifestyle and [it being] healthy for me, for the planet and all the life on it, vegan is really the best way to go. It helps me a lot. I really believe that I'm doing something good for me and for everyone else every time I eat, you know.
** [[Steve-O]], [https://www.suicidegirls.com/girls/nicole_powers/blog/2680298/johnny-knoxville-and-steve-o-jackass-3d/ &quot;Johnny Knoxville and Steve-O: Jackass 3D&quot;], interview with {{w|SuicideGirls}} (14 October 2010).

* I'm in better condition [after going vegan]. My endurance has gone up, and I haven't gotten tired at all during the whole season. ... I don't think you should eat something that had a mother.
** [[Salim Stoudamire]], interview for ''The Atlanta Journal-Constitution'' (5 April 2007), quoted in [http://www.espn.com/blog/truehoop/post/_/id/3218/salim-stoudamire-runs-on-broccoli &quot;Salim Stoudamire Runs on Broccoli&quot;, in ''ESPN.com'' (6 April 2007)].

* Hate mushrooms? Prepare to fall in love with them. Tofu always freaked you out? You ain’t cooking it right then. One of the best things about being vegan is how much you come to appreciate food – when someone does a vegan chocolate cupcake, it's the best thing in the world, or truly nails a pizza so good you can hardly tell the difference – it's just about opening up your palette and trying new things. Once you get into it, you won't go back.
** [[Oliver Sykes]], [http://fryfamilyfood.com/de/wheniwentvegan/ &quot;Why I went vegan&quot;], interview with Fry Family Foods (18 January 2017).

== T ==
* When you take the animal out, you also take the [[w:Greenhouse effect|greenhouse gas issue]] out. And you take the food safety issues out. And you take some of other externalities related to food scarcity out. But one thing that’s amazing is I think you put our values back in. You put values like compassion, and integrity, and kindness. Values that are natural to human beings, you put that in. You build that back into the story of our food.
** [[Josh Tetrick]], interview in the documentary-film ''[[Cowspiracy]]'' by Kip Andersen and Keegan Kuhn (2014)&lt;!-- 1:25:22 --&gt;.

* There are no emergency meetings, no headlines, no breaking news. No one is acting as if we were in a crisis. Even most climate scientists or green politicians keep on flying around the world, eating meat and dairy.
** [[Greta Thunberg]], [https://www.fridaysforfuture.org/greta-speeches#greta_speech_tedx &quot;School strike for climate - save the world by changing the rules&quot;], TEDxStockholm (24 November 2018).
[[File:Sharon namaste Guzman 280.jpg|thumb|To be a joyful vegan in the world today is to become involved in the most radical, positive, political revolution ever. ~ [[Sharon Gannon]]]]

* The contemporary vegan movement is founded on loving-kindness and mindfulness of our effects on others. It is revolutionary because it transcends and renounces the violent core of the herding culture in which we live.
** [[Will Tuttle]], ''The World Peace Diet'' (Lantern Books, 2005), ch. 2.

* The good news is that our bodies thrive on a conscious plant-based diet, and that this diet is infinitely more compassionate to animals and people and more environmentally sustainable than eating animal foods.
** [[Will Tuttle]], ''The World Peace Diet'' (Lantern Books, 2005), ch. 5.

== V ==

* Veganism denotes a philosophy and way of living which seeks to exclude—as far as is possible and practical—all forms of exploitation of, and cruelty to, animals for food, clothing, or any other purpose; and by extension, promotes the development and use of animal-free alternatives for the benefit of humans, animals, and the environment.
** [[The Vegan Society]], ''Articles of Association'' (by [[Donald Watson]]), as quoted in Will Tuttle, ''The World Peace Diet'' (2005), ch. 2.

== W ==
* V Stands for Verity, Virtue, Valor, Validity and Veganism. ... Veganism is real [[w:Conservation (ethic)|conservation]] in action. It goes beyond talking about climate change and diminishment of biodiversity and actually does something to address the problems.
** [[Paul Watson]], [https://seashepherd.org/2014/05/06/v/ &quot;V&quot;], ''SeaShepherd.org'' (6 May 2014)

* Around the time I was first getting into hardcore/metal/punk and going to shows, I had a lot of friends who were vegan and vegetarian and after having a few conversations with them regarding the subject I realised I'd never really thought about things the way they did. I was never pressured into anything and I found myself doing my own research on the subject matter and after finding some cold hard facts about the meat and dairy industry which disturbed me deeply, I made the decision to go veg and then a year later vegan and I've now been vegan for eleven years with no problems whatsoever.
** [[Jona Weinhofen]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20100504124239/http://www.thrashitoutonline.com/2009/09/jona-weinhofen-talks-about-bmth-his.html &quot;Jona Weinhofen talks about BMTH &amp; his decision to become a vegan&quot;, interview with ''Thrash It Out'' (25 September 2009)].

* I have a dog who looks a lot like a pig and I would look at him and think: “You know? I can not eat pig anymore.” And besides, is my dog really all that different from a pig on a factory farm? They both have their own lives and big personalities and most importantly the same capacity to feel pain. Once I made the connection, animal suffering became something I could not ignore. So if you have ever loved a cat or a dog, or even a human, I hope you will extend your compassion to include all animals.
** [[Mike White (filmmaker)|Mike White]], &quot;[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pF8PJJFgg4E Mike White's 'Veggie Testimonial'&quot;, ad for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (30 July 2009)].

* If you look at the incidence of hypertension and diabetes and mortality in men, they actually get reduced when you get higher and higher in how much you restrict animal products.
** [[Kim A. Williams]], interview in the documentary ''[[What the Health]]'' by Kip Andersen (2017).

* I started [following a vegan diet] for health reasons. I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, and I wanted to maintain my performance on the court. Once I started I fell in love with the concept of fueling your body in the best way possible. Not only does it help me on the court, but I feel like I’m doing the right thing for me. ... I literally couldn’t play tennis anymore, so it really changed my life. Because it was starting to take away what I loved, I had to make some changes, I had to change my life. Thankfully, I was able to find something that helped me get back to doing what I loved. ... It changed the pace that I live at. It changed everything.
** [[Venus Williams]], [http://www.health.com/nutrition/venus-williams-raw-vegan-diet &quot;This Drastic Diet Change Helped Venus Williams Fight Her Autoimmune Condition&quot;, interview with ''Health'' (12 January 2017)].

* I've been a vegan for two years, so that's helped my already good-looking self. I think that eating healthy is important. ... I'm motivating people to do something about how we are living on this planet.
** [[Stevie Wonder]], [https://www.aol.com/article/2016/02/26/stevie-wonder-talks-being-vegan-and-living-a-green-lifestyle/21319400/ &quot;Stevie Wonder talks being vegan and living a green lifestyle&quot;, interview with AOL (26 February 2016)].

* So far from vegetarianism springing from the anthropomorphism of predominantly urban dwellers, as has been suggested by its more superficial critics, it and its inevitable successor veganism are increasingly being recognised as a logical, even inescapable, process, essentially relevant, essentially practical, essentially compassionate to all species.
** [[Jon Wynne-Tyson]], &quot;Dietethics: Its Influence on Future Farming Patterns&quot;, in ''Animal Rights: A Symposium'', edited by David Paterson &amp; [[Richard D. Ryder]] (London: Centaur Press, 1979), p. 141.
[[File:Mýa 2009.jpg|thumb|The more information about ... the harsh realities of treatment of animals as well as the process of manufacturing food ... prompted me to continue this journey, which I'm very proud of, but it's impossible to turn back, because I no longer see product—I see process. ~ [[Mýa]]]]

== Y ==

* It was my sophomore year at Yale, going through the food line for dinner, and I wanted a chicken breast, but the way they put it on my plate – all of a sudden it reminded me of my mom’s dog – and at that moment I was instantly on the outside of the food chain.  I just couldn’t be a part of it.  It was very personal to me in an instant, all because of a big breast of chicken that was oddly plated and slightly pink and I couldn’t do it.  At first all I could think to eat was peanut butter and bread, so I put on a bunch of weight, but over the years it’s gotten a lot easier because people are much hipper to the fact that a plant based lifestyle is healthier for us. So it’s gotten so easy and so delicious to be vegan.
** [[Bellamy Young]], [http://www.thepetpress-la.com/bellamy-young.html &quot;The First Lady of ''Scandal'' Talks Animals, Veganism and Random Acts of Kindness&quot;, interview with ''The Pet Press'' (November 2013)].

* That little, small voice in your mind and in your heart that makes you curious about being vegan is something you should listen to, because that’s the sound of your conscience making you be compassionate.
** [[Bellamy Young]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cLjdSQqq52o &quot;Longtime Vegan Bellamy Young: Variety Is Infinite&quot;, video interview with PETA (10 February 2016)].

== Z ==

* There's no vegan who is the greatest &lt;br&gt; Because all you vegans are great, &lt;br&gt; Just like the peace dove &lt;br&gt; You symbolise love, &lt;br&gt; And there is no death on your plate.
** [[Benjamin Zephaniah]], &quot;Peace Eats&quot;, in ''The Little Book Of Vegan Poems'', AK Press, 2001.

* Someone said that Capitalism will eat itself, and I think that’s like the meat industry, the meat industry itself will become dead meat and compassion will reign supreme.
** [[Benjamin Zephaniah]], [https://benjaminzephaniah.com/poetic-thoughts/?doing_wp_cron=1519050664.5827260017395019531250 &quot;Zephaniah Speaks: Poetic Thoughts&quot;, interview with ''Arkangel Magazine'' (2002) reported in ''BenjaminZephaniah.com''].

==See also==
* [[Ahimsa]]
* [[Animal rights]]
* [[Animal rights movement]]
* [[Health]]
* [[Intensive animal farming]]
** [[Intensive pig farming]]
** [[Gestation crate]]
* [[Meat]]
* [[Speciesism]]
* [[Vegetarianism]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{wiktionary|veganism}}
{{Commons category}}
[[W:List of vegan media|List of vegan media]]
*[https://www.vegansociety.com/go-vegan/definition-veganism Definition of Veganism - The Vegan Society] 
*[https://www.animal-ethics.org/veganism/ Veganism - Animal Ethics]

[[Category:Vegetarianism| ]]
[[Category:Ethics]]
[[Category:Social movements]]</text>
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    <title>Wildfire (TV series)</title>
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        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
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'''''[[w:Wildfire (TV series)|Wildfire]]''''' (2005–2008) is a drama television show, airing on [[w:ABC Family|ABC Family]], about an eighteen-year-old girl who, after serving time at a teen detention center, is given the opportunity to start a new life. Her talent with horses is recognized by a volunteer and local trainer, who arranges a job for her at a ranch. 

== Season 1 ==
=== ''Pilot'' [1.1] ===
:'''Junior''': I want you to know that I'm an honorable man. I could've just waited five minutes and you would've been entirely... 
:'''Kris''': Go home. If Pablo sees you... 
:'''Junior''': Pablo's in his house. His light is on. I can see him from here. 
:'''Kris''': What are you doing here? 
:'''Junior''': I thought you'd might like to go to a hottub party with us. 
:'''Kris''': Thanks. I don't have a suit.
:'''Junior''': Who said anything about suits? 
:'''Kris''': Cute. I don't think so. 
:'''Junior''': You're right. I'd rather be alone with you anyway. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kris''': You are so lucky you dont even know to live in a place like this I grew up in a four- plex behind a bowling alley.
:'''Matt''': Be carful what you wish for.
:'''Kris''': Oh come on you don't like it here?
:'''Matt''': When you've been mucking stalls your whole life, I mean when I'm done with school I'm outta here.
:'''Kris''': To do what?
:'''Matt''': Anything except the family business. I want to know what it's like outside of Freemont, California.
:'''Kris''': Yeah well, you might be disappointed.
:'''Matt''': Sounds like you've had some experience.
:'''Kris''': Yeah. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kris''': ''[to Jean]'' I've made some mistakes and I paid for them. I hope I don't have to keep paying for them my entire life. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kris''': ''[to Dani]'' What are you trying to do to me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amber''': ''[after insulting Kris]'' I'm sorry, she totally freaked me out. I thought she was going to hit me!
:'''Matt''': I was going to hit you! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kris''': I swear, I will never kiss another boy again, ever!

=== ''Trust'' [1.2] ===
:'''Dani''': Don't you dare! 
:'''Junior''': Or, you can call this whole thing with Kris an unfortunate misunderstanding.
:''[Pause, Dani looking shocked.]''
:'''Dani''': I hate you. 
:'''Junior''': I knew you'd understand. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kris''': Can you two stop it? Don't you get it, they could stick me with another parole violation and I could go back to LaGrange. I don't give a rat's ass about some Polly.
:'''Junior''': Molly.
:'''Matt''': Junior. Shut up.
:''[pause]''
:'''Junior''': I'm sorry Kris.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kris''': I wish I could tell him I didn't leave him.
:'''Pablo''': It's all about trust and you lost his, we all have.
:'''Kris''': Yeah, well it's a mean world and maybe he's right. Maybe you shouldn't trust everyone who gives you a carrot. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jean''': ''[waving Kris to sit down]'' No, no, no. You to. I want you to know I should fire you for what happened yesterday, but Junior Davis told me what his sister did to you.
:'''Kris''': I shouldn't have hit her.
:'''Jean''': Yeah, that's right.
:'''Kris''': I didn't know what else to do!
:'''Jean''': You come to me. It's hard for you to trust me, isn't it?
:'''Kris''':Yeah, it is.
:'''Jean''': Well you're just going to have to take a chance. I'm here. I'm telling you that. You got time. Your safe now Kris. OK, then, um... you've got some unpacking to do, right?
:'''Kris''': Right. Thank you. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kris''': Can I ride with you?
:'''Junior''': I was just about to ask if you wanted to drive.
:'''Kris''': You had to ask. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Junior''': You are such a psycho, if he were so in love with you he wouldn't have dumped you. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Junior''': For God Sake's, I'll keep my hands on the wheel.
:'''Kris''': You will, or I'll break both of your arms.

=== ''Mothers'' [1.3] ===
:'''Kris''': Hey. Thanks for getting Dani to drop the charges against me.
:'''Junior''': Anytime. I'm full of good deeds. You just have to ask.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kris''': Mom? Mom wait! Mom I'm sorry. Matt took the ring. I should have believed you.
:'''Barb''': Does that mean you're coming with me?
:'''Kris''': I can't -- I just -- Are you mad?
:'''Barb''': Mad? No. I'm a little hurt, I guess. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dani''': ''[to Sasha]'' Were those free with the tummy tuck and the lipo? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': The good news is I'm hosting a little soiree at my place tomorrow. Cocktails, swimming, hotties...
:'''Matt''': Whoo! Three of our favorite things. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Matt''': What about Dani?
:'''Junior''': We can only hope her dark master calls her back to hell. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Danni''': All work and no sex make Danni a dull girl.
:'''Bobby''': Girl, does your daddy even know where you are?

=== ''Guilty'' [1.4] ===
:'''Kris''': How is everything?
:'''Matt''': Great thanks, I'll meet you at the car.
:'''Junior''': Here you go, keep the change.
:'''Kris''': Whats this?
:'''Junior''': A tip.
:'''Kris''': Five dollars is a tip this is something different.
:'''Junior''': Yeah payment for the grief and the three dinners my sister sent back.
:'''Kris''': I'll get the change. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dani''': What's she doing here?
:'''Junior''': Waiting tables. Trying to decide whether to spit or put a dead cockroach in your salad. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jean''': I just wanna know what's in his [Matt's] mind.
:'''Charlie''': She's probably blonde and naked. 

=== ''The Claiming Race'' [1.5] ===
:'''Kris''': So, you didn't want to?
:'''Junior''': No, you didn't. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Junior''': What's the big deal? Go to a club. Spend some time together. Friends plus benefits.
:'''Kris''': I don't know.
:'''Junior''': One night of fun and romance. I guarantee you'll be back for more, and if not, no hard feelings.
:'''Kris''': Pick me up at 8:30. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Junior''': So, back home to the wicked stepsisters?
:'''Kris''': Huh, not even.
:'''Junior''': Well just so you know, I put the claim in on Wildfire before we went out. Come on. Tell me I'm a great guy.
:'''Kris''': Yeah, you were a great guy...today.''[Leans over and kisses him]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pablo''': ''[to Jean]'' If Wildfire goes, I'm gonna follow. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pablo''': ''[referring to Wildfire]'' He's counter-suggestive.

=== ''The Track'' [1.7] ===
:'''Dani''': ''[to Kris]'' Ya know, I always thought my brother was a superficial dork. At least he's not superficial. He's a good guy. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kris''': You can't fake a mother like that. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ely''': Pay up today or something's gonna happen.
:'''Matt''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Ely''': I think you already know. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Matt''': There's a chance it wasn't an accident.
:'''Kris''': Who would want to hurt Wildfire?
:'''Matt''': I have no idea. But it wouldn't be the first time a horse was poisoned at the track. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Matt''': Next time you want something come after me.
:'''Ely''': What?
:'''Matt''': Leave my horse alone!
:'''Ely''': I don't know what you're talking about, I love horses. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dani''': Give me the phone or I'll post your PSAT scores on my blog.
:'''Junior''': What were they again?
:'''Dani''': 490 Math, 550 Verbal. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pablo''': I know Carlos. I watched him work with horses for four years. I don't care how mad he is. He's not going to hurt one. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Junior''': Come on, it's just dinner.
:'''Kris''': It's never just dinner. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Junior''': That was a great kiss.
:'''Kris''': Yeah, it was.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kris''': I have faith in you Matt. You're going down a bad path, but you're going to turn it around. I know it.

=== ''The Party'' [1.8] ===
:'''Junior''': A curse on the Sweden.
:'''Matt''': What about all the hot blondes? 
:'''Junior''': Not the hot blondes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Junior''': You have a great right hook.
:'''Kris''': That's because men are dogs. 
:'''Junior''': All men are dogs?
:'''Kris''': Well, different breeds, same goal.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kris''': So when are you giving Elvis back his car?
:'''Win''': When he pries the keys from my cold, dead fingers...And believe me that won't be anytime soon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Win''': You live here?
:'''Matt''': Yeah. 'Til my mom finds out I threw this party. 
:'''Win''': Good luck with that.

----
:'''Junior''': ''[After laughing with Junior about trying their relationship again]'' We're really bad at this.
:'''Kris''': Yeah, We're better at this. ''[Grabs and kisses Junior]''


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kris''': I mean about Matt and you...
:'''Junior''': We're just friends. We've never kissed. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Matt''': I think you should quit while you're behind.
:'''Bobby''': Hey, that's good advice. Maybe you should take it yourself. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Junior''': Did she say he was a friend?
:'''Matt''': No, an old, old, old friend. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dani''': What sport do you play?
:'''Evan''': I don't know, is calculus a sport? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Junior''': ''[to Matt]'' It takes a good son like you to enjoy wearing such a tight leash. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Junior''': ''[to Kris]'' I think I'm in love with you.
:'''Kris''': You can't be, you don't even know me.
:'''Junior''': But I can get to know you.

=== ''Identity'' [1.9] ===
:'''Junior''': You sure you don't want to go somewhere else?
:'''Kris''': ''[laughs]'' I have to get back but do you wanna hang out tomorrow?
:'''Junior''': Wait, you're asking me out?
:'''Kris''': Maybe... 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kris''': ''[to Pablo and Jean]'' I'm sorry if that's not the future you guys want for me but that's what I want. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Matt''': I'll do anything!
:'''Jean''': ''[crestfallen]'' I've heard that before... 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kris''': Matt, you're a really good friend.
:'''Matt''': Do me a favor. Don't tell me that. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Henry''': Kris isn't in there.
:'''Junior''': I know, I've been knocking for five minutes. You know where she is?
:'''Henry''': She's in the hospital. Kris took a bad spill. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kris''': You make me nervous.
:'''Junior''': So, I do have an effect on you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tina''': ''[to Kris]'' I hate to break it to you, but you're too old. I started [jockeying] when I was thirteen. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dani''': ''[to Evan]'' It's weird... I know more about this horse's mother than my own mother. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Junior''': You love horses, Paris Hilton loves posing nude with small dogs. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kris''': Don't make this a big deal.
:'''Matt''': This ''is'' a big deal!

=== ''Tina Sharp'' [1.10] ===
:'''Matt''': Who's Luke Perry?
:'''Dani''': He was in the ''[[w:Breakfast Club|The Breakfast Club]]''.
:'''Matt''': Oh.
:'''Dani''': Or was it''[[w:Aerosmith|Aerosmith]]''. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Junior''': Okay, there are probably gonna be some photographers here from ''Horse and Track'', so get ready to smile.
:'''Kris''': Photographers? Like they're gonna care about us.
:'''Junior''': Come on. You're a hot young jock riding the horse whose life you saved. Plus, my dad owns the magazine... 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kris''': Matt, is this thing between you and Tina for real or is it just a fling?
:'''Matt''': I don't know. What about you and Junior?
:'''Kris''': I don't do flings. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kris''': ''[to Tina]'' You know, I'm starting to get why you don't have any women friends. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tina''': ''[to Kris, about Junior and Matt]'' You win a couple races, you can have both of them and anybody else you want! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evan''': I think this is about something else. 
:'''Dani''': All right. Like what?
:'''Evan''': You freaking out that your mother isn't a princess from Barcelona. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dani''': What'd you do, take a freakin' Tom Cruise pill?
:'''Junior''': Sorry, blame it on her. ''[pointing to Kris]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dani''': ''[to Junior]'' I just wanted someone... I could talk to... Of course, that's just stupid. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kris''': ''[to Tina]'' I'm not here for you! I'm here for him [Wildfire].

=== ''Impressions'' [1.11] ===
:'''Dani''': I'm going to find my mother. I don't care that you sent your lawyer to intimidate me into not looking for her. Did you forget about that? I didn't.
:'''Ken Davis''': Dani we have a guest.
:'''Dani''': Oh. This isn't a good time? Because I've been waiting two weeks and you haven't said a word. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dani''': ''[to Isabelle]'' Are you my mother? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kris''': ''[to Tina]'' ... but I'll never see things the same way as you! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Matt''': You know, I'm sick of people riding my ass. You're not my dad.
:'''Pablo''': I know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Junior''': ''[to Kris]'' Welcome to the Davis &quot;Family Circus.&quot; 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pablo''': ''[to Tina]'' The best part was when I thought I'd never see you again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kris''': What are you doing?
:'''Tina''': Hi! I'm putting on my game face.

=== ''Loyalty'' [1.12] ===
:'''Kris''': Why are you doing this to Matt?
:'''Tina''': I think it's actually what he's doing to me.
:'''Kris''': You know that's not what I mean, he cares about you.
:'''Tina''': Are you scared you're not going to get him back?
:'''Kris''': That's not what I'm saying.
:'''Tina''': No? Bring Wildfire out to the track when you're done, OK? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kris''': ''[to Junior, about having sex]'' Yeah. But not here. And there's a big rock under my back. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pablo''': Tina Sharp wins races 'cause she's passionate and has to prove something. They say fight fire with fire. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tina''': ''[to Matt, after kissing him goodbye]'' You're cute.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charlie''': ''[to Jean, about Matt &amp; Tina]'' The more you hassle him, the more attractive she'll look. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Junior''': ''[after sex]'' That was...
:'''Kris''': It was. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Junior''': ''[after sex]''  What are you doing?
:'''Kris''': Remembering this.
:'''Junior''': But I'm still here.
:'''Kris''': You'd better be.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Junior''': ''[to Kris, after she breaks up with him]'' I thought you loved me. 
:'''Kris''': I... I do.

== Season 2 ==

=== ''Try it Without the Porsche!'' [2.1] ===
:'''Dani''': So is this what you mean by trying it without the Porsche?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kris''': ''[After seeing Junior alive]'' I thought you were dead... and the car... the car was!
:'''Junior''': Yeah, well, that's dead. Hey, It's a convertible, I landed it in the water. Look there's not a scratch on me, its me! ''[Grabs her hand and puts it to his face]''
:'''Kris''':''[slaps Junior]'' How could you do that to me? How could you do that to your sister, and to Matt?
:'''Junior''': [chuckles]&quot;Oh My God, are they going to slap me too?
:'''Kris''': Oh God! ''[Grabs him and hold him in her arms while crying.]''

=== ''Opportunity Knocks'' [2.2] ===
:'''Junior''': ''[After kissing Kris]'' I miss you.  Come over to my house for dinner. ''[Kris looks  shocked]'' Ok. I'll see you at seven then. ''[Leans over and kisses her]''

=== ''A Good Convict Is Hard to Find'' [2.3] ===

== Cast ==
* [[w:Genevieve Cortese|Genevieve Cortese]] - Kristine &quot;Kris&quot; Furillo
* [[w:Micah Alberti|Micah Alberti]] - Matt Ritter
* [[w:Nicole Tubiola|Nicole Tubiola]] - Danielle &quot;Dani&quot; Davis
* [[w:Greg Serano|Greg Serano]] - Pablo Betart
* [[w:Nana Visitor|Nana Visitor]] - Jean Ritter
* [[Dennis Weaver]] - Henry Ritter
* [[w:Andrew Hoeft|Andrew Hoeft]] - Todd Ritter
* [[w:Ryan Sypek|Ryan Sypek]] - Junior Davis
* [[w:James Read|James Read]] - Ken Davis
* [[w:Amy Jo Johnson|Amy Jo Johnson]] - Tina Sharp (Season 1)
* [[w:Shanna Collins|Shanna Collins]] - Amber (Season 1)

== External links== 
{{wikipedia|Wildfire (TV show)}} 
* {{imdb title|id=0439879|title=Wildfire}}

[[Category:Freeform shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:2000s American teen drama TV shows]]</text>
      <sha1>gim8whv1e0gvngjml9qynfae7g9x0w6</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Blue Heelers</title>
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    <revision>
      <id>3147842</id>
      <parentid>2874048</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T22:14:09Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* External links */ r/m Template:Tv.com show</comment>
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      <text bytes="121871" xml:space="preserve">
'''[[w:Blue Heelers|Blue Heelers]]''' is an Australian police drama which is produced by Southern Star for the Seven Network. It was created by Hal McElroy and Tony Morphett and originally aired in Australia from 1994 - 2006.

===Season 1 (1994)===

====''A Woman's Place'' [1.01]====

:'''Maggie''': I want to be a very good cop and sometimes I push a bit too hard.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': I'll, uh, take this one Nick.
:'''Nick''': Just make sure she's not married this time, mate.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Roz''': I know the face. I tore it up once.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': If you want respect, then show me you can get a girl without going the knuckle on her.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris''': Whose your dad going to kill and why the hell should I stop him?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maggie''': Where I come from, uniforms don't mix much with plain clothes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': I won't call you girlie, if you don't call me Sergeant. My men...people call me boss.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': You shot Doherty's dog?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': Holes in the four-wheel drive?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nick''': Your report's going to look like a telephone book.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Man''': Bloody Blue Heelers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wayne''': Maggie bloody Doyle!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maggie''': I just had this conversation with your wife!
:'''Wayne''': Which conversation?
:'''Maggie''': This conversation!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maggie''': This is a real fun town, this.
:'''PJ''': Yes, it is! So, cheers!


Chris: OUT!!!, I told you you’re barred

====''Doing It Tough'' [1.02]====

:'''Wayne''': Til death do us part does not refer to someone else's death! Besides, they say you get used to it...No you don't. Not to that you don't.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': You saying I'm racist as well as sexist now, Constable Doyle?


====''Why Give People Rights? They Only Abuse Them'' [1.03]====

:'''Wayne''': Times are changing, Boss.
:'''Tom''': Not in this station.

====''Wives'' [1.04]====

:'''Roz''': You're a bastard.
:'''PJ''': An attractive bastard.
:'''Roz''': A conceited bastard.

====''Waiting For Apples'' [1.05]====

:'''PJ''': Search warrants are for searching, we're tidying up.

====''Apprehended Violence'' [1.06]====

:'''Roz''': Bloody Blue Heelers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nick''': You want your licence back and I want my wife and kid back.

====''Life After Death'' [1.07]====

:'''Maggie''': Break in, don't do any damage.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wayne''': Take a good look around, but don't touch anything? Is that the same thing as break in, but don't do any damage?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maggie''': How do you go to England without a passport?
:'''Wayne''': With much difficulty.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': Hope that's not my ruler?
:'''Nick''': Don't get your knickers in a knot. It's Maggie's.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maggie''': A couple of hours with PJ can do alot of damage.

====''Domino Effect'' [1.08]====

:'''Roz''': Police don't marry police! Is that written up somewhere?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maggie''': It's a cruel world, PJ, when crime interferes with our work.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nick''': You've been a D too long, PJ.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': Goes to show you, a man who never drinks leads a clean life.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': Let's see how long Larry lasts, sweetheart, when you're not there with your hand up his back making his mouth work.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': You know Wayne...he'd actually stop to help them!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': Spouse, Maggie. Your best chance of being killed is by your spouse, family member or someone you know.

====''Diary Entry'' [1.09]====

:'''PJ''': Ah, one of the three great answers...1-it's not mine, 2-never seen it before, 3-I was minding it for someone.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs Stewart''': So this is why I pay taxes...for teaparties?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Heelers''': (singing) Why was he born so beautiful, why was he born at all? He's no bloody use to anyone, no bloody use at all!

====''Visions Splendid'' [1.10]====

====''Abandoned'' [1.11]====

====''Damaged Goods'' [1.12]====

====''Armed And Dangerous'' [1.13]====

====''Reunion'' [1.14]====

====''Family Lies'' [1.15]====

====''Theft'' [1.16]====

====''Meat Is Hung, Men Are Hanged'' [1.17]====

:'''Roz''': He should have been hung.
:'''Nick''': Do yourself a favour Roz, Hanged. Meat is hung, men are hanged.

====''Conduct Unbecoming'' [1.18]====

:'''Chris''': Conduct unbecoming is a two way street. Checkmate.

====''Good Cop, Bad Cop'' [1.19]====

:'''Tom''': Stick to policing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': Rejoice Mrs Patterson!

====''The Final Season'' [1.20]====

:'''Roz''': What's wrong with him? I thought you won.
:'''Tom''': We did, but PJ managed to get a bet on against us. Oh ye of little faith!

====''Payback'' [1.21]====

:'''Roz''': Why should women have to modify their behaviour because men can't control their's?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maggie''': From the description I thought it sounded just like you, PJ.

====''Sex, Lives And Videotape'' [1.22]====

====''The Men In Her Life'' [1.23]====
'''Roz''': Listen Maggie, we've got a spare room.&lt;br /&gt;
'''PJ''': Yeah, or we could shovel ours out for you Mag.&lt;BR&gt;
'''Maggie''': Thanks guys but....&lt;Br&gt;
'''PJ''': No really, I'll make sure Nick doesn't sleep walk&lt;BR&gt;
'''Maggie''': It's not Nick I'd be worried about&lt;BR&gt;
&lt;BR&gt;&lt;BR&gt;
[Pat Doyle and Chris talking about Maggie]&lt;BR&gt;&lt;BR&gt;&lt;B&gt;Pat:&lt;/B&gt;The kid was in her class at school, they were both only 8 years old we'll she's dragged him into the station under citizen's arrest, couldn't understand why I wouldn't lock him up.&lt;BR&gt;&lt;BR&gt;[Both Laugh]&lt;BR&gt;[Maggie walks in]&lt;BR&gt;&lt;BR&gt;&lt;B&gt;Maggie:&lt;/B&gt;G'day you two&lt;BR&gt;&lt;B&gt;Chris:&lt;/B&gt; Hi I've just been hearing all about you&lt;BR&gt;&lt;B&gt;Maggie: &lt;/b&gt;Insisting on being Josephine in the activities play&lt;BR&gt;&lt;B&gt;Chris: &lt;/B&gt;Uh - Uh &lt;BR&gt;&lt;BR&gt;[Shakes her head]&lt;BR&gt;&lt;BR&gt;&lt;B&gt;Maggie: &lt;/b&gt; Well then it must have been the citizens arrest when i was eight&lt;BR&gt;&lt;B&gt;Chris: &lt;/B&gt; Got it in two&lt;BR&gt;&lt;B&gt;Maggie: &lt;/b&gt;Jimmy Dockerdy, he squirted one of the nuns with a bubbler, your going back to Melbourne before you start showing baby photos i hope &lt;BR&gt;&lt;B&gt;Chris: &lt;/B&gt; Already seen them&lt;BR&gt;&lt;B&gt;Maggie: &lt;/b&gt;Ohhhh Dad..... you didn't&lt;BR&gt;

====''A Bird In The Hand'' [1.24]====

====''Missing'' [1.25]====

====''Day In Court'' [1.26]====

:'''Maggie''': Hey Wayne, can you tell me whether I've spelt this name correctly?
:'''Wayne''': Sure.
:'''Maggie''': Or is it with an I?
:'''Wayne''': Thanks bigmouth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris''': Maybe you've been a cop so long, PJ, you wouldn't know the truth if you fell over it.

====''Nowhere To Run'' [1.27]====

====''Consequences'' [1.28]====

====''A Matter Of Trust'' [1.29]====

====''Necessary Force'' [1.30]====

====''Bitter Harvest'' [1.31]====

====''Crazy Like A Fox'' [1.32]====

:'''Wayne''': Authority? It was a search warrant.
:'''Maggie''': She's a nice old lady, I didn't want to embarrass her.
:'''Wayne''': Nice old...She's a fence!
:'''Maggie''': Okay, so she's a nice old fence!

====''Old Dog, New Tricks'' [1.33]====

:'''Maggie''': Roz, where are you when we need you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wayne''': (Holds up his police badge). Never leave home without it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': Yep, well, I want to die in bed.
:'''Nick''': Yeah, but whose?
:'''PJ''': Mine. With a loving wife beside me.
:'''Nick''': Yeah, but whose?

====''Labour Of Love'' [1.34]====

====''Escape Route'' [1.35]====

====''Adverse Possession'' [1.36]====

====''The Folly Of Youth'' [1.37]====

====''Face Value'' [1.38]====

====''Suspicion'' [1.39]====

====''Without Intent'' [1.40]====

====''Family Matters'' [1.41]====

====''The First Stone'' [1.42]====

====''Skin Deep'' [1.43]====

====''Luck Of Draw'' [1.44]====

====''Damage Control'' [1.45]====

===Season 2 (1995)===

====''Without A Trace'' [2.01]====

====''A Question Of Courage'' [2.02]====

====''Cruel Reality'' [2.03]====

====''Mates'' [2.04]====

====''Out Of Harm's Way'' [2.05]====

====''Breaking The Cycle'' [2.06]====

====''Heavy Traffic'' [2.07]====

====''Gun Law'' [2.08]====

====''Ripples On The Pond'' [2.09]====

====''Protected Species'' [2.10]====

====''Stop For A Bite'' [2.11]====

====''The Long And Winding Road'' [2.12]====

====''The Old School Tie'' [2.13]====

====''Motherlove'' [2.14]====

====''Dead Ringer'' [2.15]====

====''The Lolita Blues'' [2.16]====

====''Shadowman'' [2.17]====

====''Trust Me'' [2.18]====

====''Parenting'' [2.19]====

====''Gun Crazy'' [2.20]====

====''With Prejudice'' [2.21]====

====''Paranoia, Part 1'' [2.22]====

:'''Maggie''': Dumped me? You never dumped me! God, you're up yourself.
:'''Wayne''': It was me that stopped calling you, remember?
:'''Maggie''': Yeah, I remember. I also remember that it was the best day of my life.

====''Paranoia, Part 2'' [2.23]====

:'''Nick''': Well, I'll see you later then, shall I? I'll tell you what, Constable Schizoid. If you get lonely out here, you can always have a chat with those little voices inside your head.

====''The Collector'' [2.24]====

====''Homecoming Queen'' [2.25]====

====''Secrets'' [2.26]====

====''The Last Straw'' [2.27]====

:'''Maggie''': If you're gonna faint let me know.
:'''PJ''': Yeah, You'll catch me 
:'''Maggie''': I'll move out of the way.

====''The Best Of Rivals'' [2.28]====

====''Swings And Roundabouts'' [2.29]====

:'''Maggie''': What's that about?
:'''Nick''': I only work here. Might've found something on that nurse. Where are you going?
:'''Maggie''': I got something to do.
:'''Nick''': Oh yeah, well I only work here. The only one who bloody does.

====''Double Jeopardy, Part 1'' [2.30]====

====''Double Jeopardy, Part 2'' [2.31]====

:'''PJ''': Come to me my little shortcake, my little cream puff, my little piece of mmmm...
:'''Maggie''': Kiss me again and I'll kill you.
:'''PJ''': Hey, I love, I love a woman with passion!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maggie''': Well, what do you suggest I do with it? Stick it between my teeth? Plus, no one is going to check down there.
:'''PJ''': Oh well, let's just hope the safety catch is on, because Mamma Hasham is gonna want to have grandkiddies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': So, what do you want, a handshake? We're supposed to be hot lovers, will you kiss me?
:'''Maggie''': No.
:'''PJ''': NO?! I bet Tess doesn't play hard to get!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Maggie pauses, then grabs PJ and kisses him.]''
:'''PJ''': What, what are you doing?
:'''Maggie''': Well, I'm just getting into character.

====''The Mongrel Factor'' [2.32]====

====''Just Desserts'' [2.33]====

====''Unnatural Death'' [2.34]====

====''Tough Love'' [2.35]====

====''A Question Of Loyalties'' [2.36]====

:'''Monica (to Tom about PJ)''': If he didn't know something was going on, then he must be very naive or very stupid, and as you pointed out, PJ is neither.

====''Vow Of Silence'' [2.37]====

====''Juggling The Smoke'' [2.38]====

====''The Discount Suit'' [2.39]====

====''Brotherly Love, Part 1'' [2.40]====

:'''Maggie''': Why does every Christmas turn every driver into testosterone on wheels?
:'''PJ''': Yeah, and that's only the women.
:'''Maggie''': Oh, ha, ha.

====''Brotherly Love, Part 2'' [2.41]====

:'''Maggie''': Have you talked to Gina yet?
:'''Adam''': What about?
:'''Maggie (sarcastically)''': Oh, Carols by Candlelight, Adam, what do you think?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': Well, it's always been sort of one of my fantasies to get in there and sort of rescue you.
:'''Maggie''': Really?
:'''PJ''': Yeah.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Monica''': So, have you decided on a name for the dog yet, Clancy?
:'''Clancy''': Yeah, Monica...and she's a bitch!

===Season 3 (1996)===

====''Once Only Withdrawal, Part 1'' [3.01]====

:'''Tom''': Tell me you didn't do that! There are people's lives at risk out there, and you're swallowing drawing pins!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom (to Nick)''': Were you standing next to a burning marijuana plant?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom (to Nick)''': What's it like out there?
:'''Nick (to Tom)''': It's like a bunch of headless chooks having a fun run.

====''Once Only Withdrawal, Part 2'' [3.02]====

:'''Matt''': Power grows out of the barrel of a gun.

====''Second Innings'' [3.03]====

====''The Spiderman'' [3.04]====

:'''PJ''': Ah, I was dreaming about you, Doyle.
:'''Maggie''': I should've known to leave a sleeping detective well alone.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maggie''': PJ, I'm not the one you have to convince.
:'''PJ''': Yes, you are. You're the only one that matters.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maggie''': I've thought about this, and it wouldn't work.
:'''PJ''': I don't believe that.
:'''Maggie''': Yeah, you do...can we please keep this professional for both our sakes?

====''Day Of Reckoning'' [3.05]====

:'''PJ''': Yeah, I thought with you prosecuting, Mags...he'd get life!

====''Sex And Death'' [3.06]====

:'''PJ''': Next thing you're going to tell us that you've been bonking in the cells.
:'''Adam's girlfriend''': Oh no...we used your office.

:''[Maggie laughs in the background, until PJ turns around and she quickly stops.]''

====''Not In My Backyard'' [3.07]====

:'''Nick''': It's nice to know we've got law abiding drivers today.
:'''Wayne''': Yeah, either that or some helpful citizen's put a sign up down the road.

====''All Part Of The Service'' [3.08]====

====''Dog Days'' [3.09]====

:'''Adam''': Ah, sounds like a job for the granny squad, Boss.
:'''Tom''': That's not funny, Cooper.

====''An Act Of Random Violence'' [3.10]====

====''Unfinished Business'' [3.11]====

:'''Roz''': It was always police force first, me second.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maggie''': Wayne...he put his arms around me and he took me to bed. But no, it wasn't like that. He was very warm and loving and so incredibly gentle. I fell for him in such a big way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': Well, whatever else Wayne had going for him, he certainly had a fine bunch of workmates. Proud of you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Roz''': I loved Wayne.
:'''Nick''': Sure you did, that's why you shot through on him isn't it?
:'''Roz''': It wasn't like that Nick. Do you have any idea what it feels like to be told your husband's been shot? To nurse him back to health only to see him strap on that bloody gun again, do you?
:'''Nick''': Do you have any idea what it feels like to put the gun on and do the job? No, you've got no idea. You've got no idea because you shot through on him. He came back to us because he knew we'd back him up.Do you know what it's like for me, to hear from someone like you, that I can't go to my mates funeral?

====''Happy Families'' [3.12]====

:'''Adam''': Shut up and blow!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': What is it today, [[Friday the 13th]]?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': Cooper, I love you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Heelers (singing)''': Why was she born so beautiful, why was she born at all? Because she had no say in it, no say in it at all.

====''Priorities'' [3.13]====

====''A Fair Crack Of The Whip, Part 1'' [3.14]====

:'''Tom (to Digger)''': Did you bark? If you didn't bark, you're going to the pound!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nick (about Anna)''': It's 350 degrees in the shade, she's four hundred years pregnant, we're gonna give her a lift.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': Well, women's bodies are not my expertise.
:'''Adam''': Oh, that's not what I've heard!

====''A Fair Crack Of The Whip, Part 2'' [3.15]====

====''Under Pressure'' [3.16]====

====''Fight Dirty'' [3.17]====

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jack''': They expect us to fight against filth but they won't let us fight dirty.

====''Art And Deception'' [3.18]====

====''Old Sins, Long Shadows'' [3.19]====

====''In Unity Is Strength'' [3.20]====

====''The Kremin Factor'' [3.21]====

:'''Tom''': No, PJ, why don't you take ''all'' the credit?
:'''Maggie''': Or, how about, &quot;Big head finally cracks it&quot;?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maggie''': Yeah, that's a good idea, Adam. What's she like?
:'''Adam''': She's got amazing eyes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maggie''': I'm Maggie Doyle.
:'''Dash''': Dash McKinley.
:'''Maggie''': Nice to meet you. You know, Adam's right. You do have very lovely eyes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maggie''': Hey, oh listen - just a word of warning. We, ah, don't mention the Boss' weight.
:'''Nick''': Or his age.
:'''Dash''': You mean I've got to make special allowances because my Sergeant's a fat guy with a complex about his age...why doesn't someone tell him to go on a diet or something? He can use my bike if he wants to get some exercise. And if he's still a Sergeant at his age, then that is his problem.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dash''': Listen...I really don't think I can handle calling you Boss. And Sergeant Croydon sounds like you're up yourself...so I thought I'd just stick to calling you Tom. Night, Tom.
:'''Tom''': Goodnight, Deidre. There are no secrets in the Victoria Police.

====''Shelter From The Storm'' [3.22]====

====''Principle Of The Thing'' [3.23]====

====''Mind Games'' [3.24]====

:'''Maggie''': PJ, the only stress in your life is choosing what topping you're going to put on your pizza.
:'''PJ''': Now, ''that's'' important.

====''Duty Of Care'' [3.25]====

====''Other People's Lives'' [3.26]====

====''A Gift From God'' [3.27]====

====''Waiting To Happen'' [3.28]====

====''Bewitched'' [3.29]====

:'''Maggie (to PJ)''': Sex may dominate your life, but it doesn't dominate mine. Now stay out of my way and stay out of my life!

====''Mud Sticks'' [3.30]====

====''The Angel's Share'' [3.31]====

====''Something For Nothing'' [3.32]====

:'''Adam''': Dash, you're an absolute idiot.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': Leaving aside, McKinley, the stupidity of thinking you can get rich quick on the pokies, I am far from happy that one of my colleagues has got herself involved in a business deal with a complainant.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Adam''': Well, it would have been okay if she didn't gamble it all away.
:'''Tom''': Well, that is totally obvious.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': Stupid kids!

====''Winner Takes All'' [3.33]====

:'''Tom (to Johnny)''': I was suffering from the delusion that you might have enough sense to keep your pants on while you're on a case.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nick''': Been having a roll in the hay? Half your luck.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': Cooper, you can go with Johnny...unless you have an urgent chore like cleaning the toilets.

====''I Spy'' [3.34]====

:'''PJ''': So, what's your favourite story?
:'''Kanga''': Jack and the Beanstalk.
:'''Maggie''': Mother wants son to sell the family cow, he exchanges it for beans, he climbs a beanstalk, he tackles a giant.
:'''PJ''': Mate, um, yeah, there's this boy, right? And his name is Jack. Well, his mum wants him to get rid of this cow. She tells him to take the cow to this market. And when he goes to the market, he comes back, and he finds, he finds out that he's got beans in the bag! He's got plenty of beans, he's been conned!
:'''Kanga''': What's conned?
:'''PJ''': Well, it means that the beans are in the bag instead of the money. Now, anyway, Jack's got this girlfriend, this very, very pretty - well, pretty skinny girl, called Olive Oil. And, ah, Olive Oil is, well, she's got this big grumpy man called Brutus and he's a big giant.
:'''Kanga''': That's not the story!
:'''PJ''': Yeah, yeah, this is the story. That's the story I know. And now this Jack, you know, he's always, ah, eating this spinach because he's a friend of Popeye's. And, ah, and when he eats this spinach, he drops it down, really really big, swallows it down and after he does, he gets all this, he gets all this super human strength!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maggie''': Don't even think about it!

====''Reality Bytes'' [3.35]====

====''In The Gun, Part 1'' [3.36]====

:'''Tom''': Oh, right. When Constables start reading your mind, I think it's time to quit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': Oh, nag, nag, nag...you're worse than my mother!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': We wouldn't want to do anything we both regret...would we?

====''In The Gun, Part 2'' [3.37]====

====''Buck Naked'' [3.38]====

:'''Dash''': Do you ever learn how to knock?
:'''Nick''': No need to. I'm six foot four, 16 stone, and I'm a policeman.

====''Friendly Fire'' [3.39]====

:'''Adam''': I wouldn't trust him to guide me through an adventure playground.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': Interviewing lawyers, it's like arm wrestling a sack full of eels.

====''Half A Second'' [3.40]====

:'''Maggie''': I didn't want to think about what it would be like around here without you...I didn't want to lose you.

====''Miss Mt. Thomas'' [3.41]====

====''Dead And Alive'' [3.42]====

===Season 4 (1997)===

====''Mad Dogs And Englishmen'' [4.01]====

====''Under Siege'' [4.02]====

:'''PJ''': We missed a lot of opportunities, hey, Mags. I've been a bit of an idiot. I could never tell you. It's probably my fault. Sorry. I love you, Mags.

====''Working Lunch'' [4.03]====

:'''Nick''': That could be half the male population...that could be PJ!
:'''Dash''': Nup, he had more hair.
:'''Nick''': As in longer or thicker?
:'''Dash''': Just more.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': PJ, you need to take a few breaths.
:'''PJ''': What?
:'''Tom''': Go back into your office and close the door. Flop forward like this...collapsing your diaphragm, force the air out of your lungs, slowly...slowly straighten up, letting it all flow back in. Do that 3 times and I think you might get things back into perspective.
:'''PJ''': Right...
:'''Tom''': Do it! Close the door!
:'''PJ (to Nick)''': I don't think he should be back on the job.

====''Immaculate Misconception'' [4.04]====

====''Reports Of Damage And Loss'' [4.05]====

:'''Maggie''': Where do you think you're going with all your bits hanging out like that!
:'''Nick''': Oh, sorry, Margaret. Early Christmas present.

====''Fowl Play'' [4.06]====

====''The Luck Of The Irish'' [4.07]====

====''Bloodstained Angels'' [4.08]====

====''Charity Begins At Home'' [4.09]====

:'''Nick''': So are you doing Leon for anything?
:'''PJ''': Yeah, failure to own a brain.

====''Fool For Love'' [4.10]====

====''There Last Night'' [4.11]====

====''Gold'' [4.12]====

:'''Maggie''': Oh, no problem at all. I'll just curl up in the foetal position and forget that I've been buried alive, shall I?
:'''PJ''': Well, at least you've got good company!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maggie''': Relationships and police work, they just don't mix. You know, someone should really write that in the rule book, I think.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': There is one person I know, who comes pretty close. Um...I guess if I lose her, I lose her for good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maggie''': Well, maybe she never knew what a big chance you were prepared to take on her?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': You know, I always wanted maybe six kids.
:'''Maggie''': Six? That's a basketball team plus a reserve PJ.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maggie''': Have you ever changed a nappy?
:'''PJ''': No, you're right. I think one is plenty.

====''Fool's Gold'' [4.13]====

====''Grave Matters'' [4.14]====

====''Loose Cannons'' [4.15]====

====''Lean On Me'' [4.16]====

====''Random Breath'' [4.17]====

:'''Nick''': Yeah, he's going to become a Daddy, young Cooper.
:'''Guest star''': Yeah, first one?
:'''Nick''': Well, that he'll admit to.

====''Close Encounters'' [4.18]====

====''Buckley's Chance'' [4.19]====

====''No Means No'' [4.20]====

:'''Nick''': Maggie Doyle, you poor thing, you don't have to follow me around just 'cause you're pregnant.
:'''Maggie''': Nick...
:'''Nick''': And dear, if it's twins, we'll sell the ute and buy a combie!

====''Poetic Justice'' [4.21]====

====''Left In Trust'' [4.22]====

====''Sick Puppy'' [4.23]====

====''Sisterly Love'' [4.24]====

====''Can't Take A Joke'' [4.25]====

====''Every Contact Leaves Its Trace'' [4.26]====

:'''Nick''': There's a nice pay check for Margaret...who have you been sleeping with?

====''Playing Games'' [4.27]====

:'''PJ''': Who's playing the hubby?
:'''Maggie''': You volunteering?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': Are you 100% sure of the decision you made?
:'''Maggie''': Only fools are 100% sure of anything. Cheers!

====''Counting Chickens'' [4.28]====

====''Drag Line'' [4.29]====

====''Closing Ranks'' [4.30]====

====''Off The Air'' [4.31]====

====''The Scarecrow'' [4.32]====

====''Safe As Houses'' [4.33]====

====''Our Patch'' [4.34]====

:'''Nick''': I mean, I don't know Margaret...what is our little backwater coming to? I don't know, maybe it's time we...got married and moved elsewhere?

====''The All Seeing Eye'' [4.35]====

====''Playing Possum'' [4.36]====

====''Collateral Damage'' [4.37]====

====''The Big Picture'' [4.38]====

====''Settlement Postponed'' [4.39]====

:'''Maggie''': Sandra, hi, it's Maggie. Thankyou so much for doing that for me so quickly. Ah...yeah, I'll put him back on for you. Oh, I should tell you that his wife is expecting their fifth...Yeah, two sets of twins. They're gorgeous kids. Well, most of the good ones are taken. I'll put him back on. Oh, okay...bye bye.
:'''PJ''': I wasn't coming onto her, she was coming onto me.
:'''Maggie''': I know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Compo''': What is the point of paying taxes if you won't arrest me?
:'''Nick''': Compo, you don't even pay taxes, so shut up!

====''Containing The Rage'' [4.40]====

====''The Civil Dead'' [4.41]====

====''Possession'' [4.42]====

:'''PJ''': Do you want me to go?
:'''Maggie''': No, I don't. I love you. I love you so much.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': Well, with ''respect'', PJ, when I hear you two shouting accusations at each other so loudly that they can almost be heard by passers by on the street, I don't know whether either of you are capable of investigating this at all!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': It's just a card, you know, for Christmas.
:'''Adam''': Oh well, Boss, you can always use it next year, can't you?
:'''Tom''': Thankyou for sharing that, Cooper.

===Season 5 (1998)===

====''Secrets, Part 1'' [5.01]====

====''Secrets, Part 2'' [5.02]====

:'''Nick''': You want justice? Don't kidnap other people's children.

====''Smoke And Mirrors'' [5.03]====

====''Moving House'' [5.04]====

====''A Piece Of Cake'' [5.05]====

:'''Tony''': What's the first thing you think of when you see a dead body?
:'''Nick''': I'm glad it's not me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nick''': Pull your neck in, Merv, or you could be receiving a summons for willful damage to a football.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nick''': The police don't go away on holidays, Tony. We work 24 hours a day, 365 days a year protecting the Mt. Thomas community.

====''Keeping Mum'' [5.06]====

:'''Maggie''': Well, that's better than sending her off to Timbuktu when she'd actually prefer the Persian carpet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maggie''': You're paranoid.
:'''PJ''': Oh come on, what's paranoid? She hates me, I mean she just hates me...she's always hated me.
:'''Maggie''': I rest my case.

====''Letting Go'' [5.07]====

:'''PJ''': You know what, Doyle? You're a sticky beak!

====''The Whistle Blower'' [5.08]====

====''King Of Hearts'' [5.09]====

:'''Adam''': Nick horse riding? You've got to be kidding. His feet will drag on the ground.

====''When Love's Not Enough'' [5.10]====

:'''Dash''': How'd you get promoted?
:'''Nick''': I'm a good copper. I work hard...and most importantly, McKinley...I slept with the Boss.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': What, your ears? I love your ears.
:'''Maggie''': Do you?
:'''PJ''': I love them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maggie''': Oh, and your eyes. I would just love it if she had your eyes.

====''Stars In Their Eyes'' [5.11]====

====''She Killed Santa'' [5.12]====

:'''Nick''': He's an old courtroom charmer, isn't he? I think it's because he wears a wig, you know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maggie''': He's buying me dinner.
:'''PJ''': Slimy bastard.
:'''Maggie''': Well, what would you do if you were in my situation?
:'''PJ''': Order up big!

====''This Mortal Coil'' [5.13]====

====''Waste Of Space'' [5.14]====

:'''Nick''': How's it going, Doyley? You dirty rotten stop out!
:'''Maggie''': Excuse me?
:'''Nick''': I hear the drought's broken in a big way!

:''[Phone rings.]''
:'''Maggie''': I better get that.
:'''Nick''': You're already getting it from what I hear.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maggie''': Well, Leila, why don't you just go over to Merv's place?
:'''Leila''': Maggie, you know a real lady would never call on a man!

====''A Bit Of A Biff'' [5.15]====

====''Mr. Lucky'' [5.16]====

:'''Charlie''': Now the sun sets over there, doesn't it?
:'''Maggie (to Dash)''': Hey, if we kill him here, now, no one will ever know, will they?

====''Deception'' [5.17]====

====''Catch Of The Day'' [5.18]====

====''Deed Not The Breed'' [5.19]====

====''Victims'' [5.20]====

:'''Dash''': I don't know, I'm just way down the list because everyone else in here looks so much sicker than me.

====''The Living Dead'' [5.21]====

:'''Maggie''': Liar, liar, pants on fire.
:'''PJ''': Well, that's why we get along so well, Mags.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': Well, look at this! Quite romantic, hey? Prawns? You never cook prawns for me, Mags!
:'''Maggie''': Well, I wanted tonight to be special.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': Yeah, well, you sort of like him, don't you?
:'''Maggie''': It's for you. I knew you'd come over.

====''Spinning The Yarn'' [5.22]====

:'''PJ''': Ah, I love that smell!
:'''Maggie''': What, the roses?
:'''PJ''': Nup, money.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maggie''': You know I love the way your mind works.

====''The Dark Side'' [5.23]====

:'''Maggie''': Who are you calling unprofessional? You've had a problem with Ben since he walked through the front door.
:'''PJ''': No I haven't, he's a good bloke.
:'''Maggie''': Yes, you have. You can't stand the fact that he's...
:'''Nick''': The fact that he's handsome and virile?
:'''Maggie''': ...That he's another detective.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nick''': Well I think he's handsome and virile...and he smells nice.
:'''PJ''': Oh, get stuffed.

====''Intervention'' [5.24]====

:'''Tom''': Since when was perjury on the year 7 curriculum, McKinley?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Adam''': Don't screw it up, it's supposed to be silly. Hang on, let's see...hey, &quot;It's better to keep a secret than a lover&quot;.
:'''PJ''': Well, mine says I'm going to be the president of a cracker factory.

====''Murder In Mind'' [5.25]====

====''Blood Ties'' [5.26]====

====''Little Monsters'' [5.27]====

====''Nine Lives'' [5.28]====

:'''PJ''': Yeah, I would offer you my spare room, but it's currently being sprayed for cockroaches.
:'''Nick''': Yes, they're after his collection of pizza boxes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben''': I'll tell you when you're 21.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maggie''': PJ, the music is playing, the lights are on, both our cars are in the driveway...You wouldn't have to be a detective to work out we're here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben''': PJ, get over yourself. You're not their big brother.
:'''PJ''': No, I'm not, Ben, but you see, Tom Croydon thinks that he's their father.

====''Missing Digits'' [5.29]====

:'''PJ''': Well, is that normally how you talk to banks, Mags, 'cause I've got to tell you...I was really embarrassed.
:'''Maggie''': PJ, that short, pigeon-toed, simple-minded beaurocrat was asked a direct question. He couldn't even look me in the eye and give me an answer. He's hindering a police enquiry as far as I'm concerned.

====''Child's Play'' [5.30]====

:'''Tom''': Doyle, run him over
:'''Maggie''': With pleasure

:'''Dash''': Hey what happened to you?
:'''PJ''': Nothing much. Just fell off the trapeze!

====''False Alarms'' [5.31]====

====''Nobody's Perfect'' [5.32]====

:'''Tom''': Don’t take that tone of voice with me!!!

:'''Adam''': What tone of voice am I supposed to take?, everytime I come in here, I’ve done something wrong, you have some sort of go at me...

:'''Tom''': If...if you don’t want me to pick faults, stop making mistakes, now your shift is over

====''Turkish Delight'' [5.33]====

:'''PJ''': Now you know, now he's going to transfer one of us, we'll be gone. We'll be split up. Off to woop woop.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': Personal relationships between colleagues...friendship relations are fine, but...in my experience, office romances - can...ah...have a disastrous effect on discipline and efficiency and - look, the bloke can charm the birds out of the trees, but I mean, well, you must know about his track record with relationships.

====''Like Father, Like Son'' [5.34]====

====''Birds Of Prey'' [5.35]====

====''Mates Rates'' [5.36]====

====''Wedding Blues'' [5.37]====

:'''Zoe''': Oh, if that's the romantic proposal, then God help the rest of the marriage.

====''All In The Family'' [5.38]====

====''Hunted'' [5.39]====

:'''Maggie''': Er, no, but I'm sure by this afternoon I'll be hankering for some company, so can I put in an order now, for what, a tall dark handsome detective bearing wine, some seafood, an overnight bag and ah...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessie''': Do you think she still loves me from heaven?
:'''Maggie''': Yes, I know she does. Sisters never stop loving their brothers. Never ever...come on, give us a hug. Good boy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robbie''': You're right, I've never done anything for Maggie...I could have taken her and that kid back to Mt. Thomas...I could have saved them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': Maggie, he gave his life for you. That's not hate. That's the greatest act of love I've ever seen.

====''Rotten Apple, Part 1'' [5.40]====

:'''Dash''': Male bonding?
:'''Maggie''': No, male ego tripping.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Adam''': For a minute there, I thought I was going to lose you. I don't think I've ever been so frightened in my life.

====''Rotten Apple, Part 2'' [5.41]====

:'''Dash (to Adam)''': You don't make me feel safe anymore.

:'''Dash (to Adam)''': Bye

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Tom''': I’m not gonna muck around, I was gonna give you a hamburger with the lot because you’ve been driving around in a car you knew was stolen, you knew Doug Healy took that tape and you kept ya mouth shut and you assaulted me. Now whether you resign or are dismissed, you’re going to be facing ongoing criminal charges, either way, you’re gone. You do have one friend left in this town, god knows why, she’s persuaded me not to press the assault charges.

:'''Adam''': Thanks.

:'''Tom''': Now get out of my site.

(Outside Tom’s office)

:'''Tom''': Hat, equipment belt, hand cuffs, leather jacket, “Freddy”

Adam hands over his badge

:'''Tom''': (to Maggie) Right, that’s the lot, take care of it would you please acting sergeant. 

Maggie, Ben, PJ and Dash all look at Adam in disappointment without a single word, he starts crying and leaves the premises one last time (Adam has been fired)

===Season 6 (1999)===

====''Dancing With The Devil, Part 1'' [6.01]====

:'''PJ''': But Jack's a bloke!

:''[Dash and Maggie hit him.]''

====''Dancing With The Devil, Part 2'' [6.02]====

====''Winning At All Costs'' [6.03]====

====''Love Is The Drug'' [6.04]====

:'''PJ''': Mr. Greenwood?
:'''Maggie''': He's here about some lost property. It seems he lost a camera at Guver's Leap last night. Um...it's a video camera he was recording what he saw there. It also had a starlight attachment...it's a lens. It means you can see...everything in the dark.
:'''PJ''': Good...Mr. Greenwood?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': Well, the panel van was parked over there, right? So if he's shooting from over there...and we were there...we're stuffed!
:'''Maggie''': Oh, oh God! Oh God!

====''An Eye For An Eye'' [6.05]====

:'''Jack''': Oh, I don't know, my great-grandfather went through Gallipoli, and he never had any counselling.
:'''Tom''': That's because they didn't have any!
:'''Jack''': Oh, I'd feel like a big girl, Boss!
:'''Tom''': Next time I want to punish you, I'll tell Doyle and McKinley you said that.
:'''Jack''': Oh, they're not big girls, they're terrifying women!

====''Wishful Thinking'' [6.06]====

====''Pillow Talk'' [6.07]====

====''The Good Weed'' [6.08]====

====''By The Book'' [6.09]====

====''Dirty Money'' [6.10]====

====''Married To The Job'' [6.11]====

:'''Maggie''': How dare you discuss us with Ben, PJ.
:'''PJ''': Us? I...I didn't.
:'''Maggie''': You did! And you took the liberty of discussing my father's business with him as well.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maggie''': I don't need protecting. I need you to be there for me, and that is all!
:'''PJ''': I am. I love you.
:'''Maggie''': Bastard.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maggie''': Do you think my father is guilty?
:'''PJ''': Yes. I wish I could say something else.
:'''Maggie''': So do I.

====''Web Of Lies'' [6.12]====

:'''PJ''': Oh, Maggie, fighting Doyles. I love you.

====''End Of The Road'' [6.13]====

====''Lies And Whispers'' [6.14]====

====''Jack Of Hearts'' [6.15]====

:'''PJ (talking about the Titanic)''': Yeah, poor old iceberg. Going for a float and a dirty big ship runs right into it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': Jack is hunky, Jack is spunky...Jack can move and groove real funky. Jack Lawson, oh Jack Lawson, he is brave than Douglas Mawson.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': Mawson. Don't you read your $100 bills?
:'''Jack''': Oh, no, I've never had one, Boss.

====''The Grace Of God'' [6.16]====

====''The Stag'' [6.17]====

====''The Good Life'' [6.18]====

====''Perfect Match'' [6.19]====

:'''Maggie''': Someone's going to come in. The Boss will come in.
:'''PJ''': The Boss knows.
:'''Maggie''': The Boss knows. How...

====''Oil And Water'' [6.20]====

====''Smoke Gets In Your Eyes'' [6.21]====

====''King Of The Kids'' [6.22]====

====''The Full Circle'' [6.23]====

:'''Tom''': Goodbye, McKinley.
:'''Dash''': Yep...Tom.
:'''Tom''': Deidre. You're a dag.

====''Behind The Badge'' [6.24]====

====''The Angel Cruise'' [6.25]====

====''Downsizing'' [6.26]====

====''The Deepest Cut'' [6.27]====

====''Hello-Goodbye'' [6.28]====

====''Whip Crack Away'' [6.29]====

====''The Price Of Silence'' [6.30]====

:'''Tom''': As for you, Parrish, check your watch. When Mickey Mouse's club gets up by his ear, it means you should be at work.

====''Without Judgement'' [6.31]====

====''Smoke Without Fire'' [6.32]====

====''Starry Starry Night'' [6.33]====

====''Paradise Lost'' [6.34]====

====''The Game'' [6.35]====

====''Miracle At Rabbit Creek'' [6.36]====

:'''Father Brian Hegarty''': For those who believe, no explanation is necessary. For those who don't, no explanation is possible.

====''Second Chance'' [6.37]====

====''The Price Of Friendship'' [6.38]====

====''Under Fire'' [6.39]====

====''Fifty-Fifty'' [6.40]====

====''Kids'' [6.41]====

====''Be Prepared'' [6.42]====

:'''Maggie''': I thought you were crazy about me?
:'''PJ''': Yeah, too crazy to make you miserable for the rest of your life. Look, Maggie, don't tell me he hasn't tempted you, because you kissed him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': Maggie, I love you more than anything else on earth. That's why I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I know it's taken a while. But...Maggie, marry me?
:'''Maggie''': Yes! It fits! It's perfect!

===Season 7 (2000)===

====''Loose Ends'' [7.01]====

:'''Maggie''': Do you think they bought it?
:'''PJ''': Yep, you pick a pretty good fight. Love you Maggie.
:'''Maggie''': I love you too.

====''One More Day'' [7.02]====

:'''PJ''': What is true is that I never want to wake up without you by my side. I need you bossing me around, organising me, telling me to put the cap back on the toothpaste, the milk back in the fridge. It's called life, Mags, and I haven't got one without you. You know we spend our whole lives looking for that one person, and I'm not going to give that up.

====''Aftermath'' [7.03]====

====''Shadow Of Doubt'' [7.04]====

====''Chip Off The Old Block'' [7.05]====

====''Code Of Honour'' [7.06]====

====''Life Class'' [7.07]====

====''Vanishing Act'' [7.08]====

====''Unfinished Business'' [7.09]====

====''Out Of The Shadows'' [7.10]====

====''Dance Crazy'' [7.11]====

====''Welcome Back'' [7.12]====

====''Broken Windows'' [7.13]====

====''Something Fishy'' [7.14]====

====''Dead For Quids'' [7.15]====

====''On The Road'' [7.16]====

====''Lost &amp; Found'' [7.17]====

====''Rank Outsider'' [7.18]====

====''Conduct Endangering Life'' [7.19]====

====''A Little Faith'' [7.20]====

====''The Gumshoe'' [7.21]====

====''Small Potatoes'' [7.22]====

====''A Good Kid'' [7.23]====

====''Fair Go'' [7.24]====

====''Cop It Sweet'' [7.25]====

====''Moving On'' [7.26]====

====''Bank On It'' [7.27]====

====''Hard Feelings'' [7.28]====

====''Running Of The Rams'' [7.29]====

====''A Tangled Web'' [7.30]====

====''On Your Bike'' [7.31]====

====''Stir Crazy'' [7.32]====

====''Broken Promises, Part 1'' [7.33]====

====''Broken Promises, Part 2'' [7.34]====

====''Wheeling And Deeling'' [7.35]====

====''Mind Over Matter'' [7.36]====

====''Paper Chase'' [7.37]====

:'''Jack''': I'm in a wheelchair...or haven't you noticed?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jack''': Why not just run an ad in the Gazette? Jack Lawson pissed himself last night.

====''Bully Boys'' [7.38]====

:'''Jack''': Yeah, I got let out for good spelling. Three years on the job and I've finally learnt that apprehended has two 'p's, not one. Not that it's hard when you're only doing paperwork.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris''': What is this? Last day of term?

====''Bloodlines'' [7.39]====

:'''Jack''': Yeah, poems about horses...about as close as I'm going to get to one now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': No lock, no security. That's not how I would look after my valuable semen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris''': Your lamest, lame duck is good looking.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tess''': I don't think caring for people is necessarily a bad thing in a copper.

====''Ten Percent'' [7.40]====

====''Leg Work'' [7.41]====

:'''Sam''': The cat burglar in a wheelchair...they should make a movie out of that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jack''': It's my body! It's my risk!

===Season 8 (2001)===

====''The Blame Game, Part 1'' [8.01]====

====''The Blame Game, Part 2'' [8.02]====

====''Deadly Fascination'' [8.03]====

:'''Jack''': Yeah, I told him he should set it in a cop shop manned by an aging Detective called PJ. Except give it a twist, make him gay. And then there's Jack. He's, ah, ruggedly handsome, quiet and determined. He'll be the real hero of the show.
:'''PJ''': Yes, yes, and ''of course'' Jack will get the girl.
:'''Jack''': Oh, PJ will get the boy!

====''Letter Of The Law'' [8.04]====

:'''Simon''': He's had it in for me since day one!
:'''Tess''': And day one was what? Yesterday? Feels like ten years...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tess''': If you don't pull him back up, then I'll charge you with...littering.

:''[Men pull Simon Barclay back onto the balcony.]''
:'''PJ''': Littering?
:'''Tess''': It was the first thing I thought of.

====''A Bit On the Side'' [8.05]====

====''Tough Nut'' [8.06]====

:'''Tom''': More paperwork, thankyou.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jo''': Great, we'll be working even more weekends than we do now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': We don't have to make a decision straight away. Why don't we just sit on it for a while and make a decision at a later date?
:'''Tess''': Sure, Boss. Tomorrow's read-out, then.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben''': You convince the crooks to work a 12-hour day and I'll consider it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tess''': Tina Fulton is a hopeless mother, it's Hayley who's holding that family together.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jack''': You're really gunning for her, aren't you?
:'''Tess''': I'm not gunning for anybody.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tess''': And this is police business, is it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tess''': So you don't know who attacked you?
:'''Rollo''': I already told you, the mongrel hit me from behind, or else you'd be patching him up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': If someone was going through the back streets of Mt. Thomas, assaulting innocent citizens, I think we'd have heard of it by now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': Sergeant, is this the new &quot;across the board&quot; interviewing technique, or is it just reserved for the more deserving cases?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tess''': Child's play.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': I think it's time to break out the emergency rations.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tess''': Do you have any of that chocolate left, Boss?

====''The Fine Print'' [8.07]====

====''Family Reserve'' [8.08]====

====''Chop Chop'' [8.09]====

====''Blood'' [8.10]====

====''They Don't Make Them Like They Used To'' [8.11]====

====''On The Run'' [8.12]====

====''Fowl Play'' [8.13]====

====''Fooling Around'' [8.14]====

====''Death By Flight'' [8.15]====

:'''PJ''': Unbelievable! I just found out why my Mum hasn't been returning my phone calls.
:'''Tess''': Is she alright?
:'''PJ''': Oh yeah, she's fine. She's been having a dirty weekend with some guy that lives down the road.
:'''Tess''': Yeah? Good on her!
:'''PJ''': Tess, this is my mother we're talking about.
:'''Tess''': So?
:'''PJ''': So...mother's aren't supposed to do things like this. How would you feel if it was your mother?!

====''A Friend Indeed'' [8.16]====

====''The Manly Art'' [8.17]====

====''Falling, Part 1'' [8.18]====

====''Falling, Part 2'' [8.19]====

====''Winners And Losers'' [8.20]====

====''No Place Like Home'' [8.21]====

====''Dragged'' [8.22]====

:'''Falcon-Price''': I know you'll give him a typical Mt. Thomas welcome.
:'''Jo''': Yeah! Strip search!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': You were a grave digger!
:'''Jonesy''': Yeah. I mean, it's dirty work. But you meet a lot of people, they're mostly dead.
:'''PJ''': At least they don't talk back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Falcon-Price''': Well, it's a bit old fashioned.
:'''Ben''': Tradition.
:'''Jo''': Kind of like a working museum, really.
:'''Tom''': But we like it that way, don't we, Parrish?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tess''': I think we might have a few idiots drag racing.
:'''Jonesy''': Oh, yeah. Done a bit of that too.
:'''Tess''': What?!
:'''Jonesy''': When I was young and stupid.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ronnie''': You wouldn't of been able to get away with anything!
:'''Jonesy''': You're telling me! Mum used to have Dad dust the biscuit tin for finger prints!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonesy''': Is it possible to get lost in Mt. Thomas?
:'''Chris''': A few people manage to. Tom's been getting lost for years.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonesy''': Wish you'd call me Jonesy.

====''Baby Love'' [8.23]====

====''An Inspector Calls'' [8.24]====

:'''Tess''': Jo, you better do something about this statement of yours.
:'''Jo''': No way! That is exactly what happened.
:'''Tess''': No, I meant fix the typos. Price is spelt with an 'E' on the end, not a 'k'.
:'''Jo''': Yes, well, once you know him it's the only way you can spell it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben''': Well that's something you don't get to see every day...an Inspector up a tree.
:'''Jonesy''': You right up there, sir? Would you like us to call the fire brigade for you...
:'''Falcon-Price''': What are you doing here?
:'''Jonesy''': Oh, we're on our way back from Frenchman's gully.
:'''Ben''': We thought we'd just pop by and see if you needed any 'back-up'.
:'''Falcon-Price''': I don't need any 'back-up'. I don't need anything from you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': God help us it's not even midday.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonesy''': I don't know how you did it but you're a bloody genius. (Hands Jo a twenty dollar note)
:'''Jo''': Thank-you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Superintendent''': And what about you Inspector? You crashed a police car, fell out of a tree and got yourself abducted!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': Will this day ever end?

====''Dinosaurs'' [8.25]====

:'''Tess''': No, I don't mind, Boss. I had a quiet night...sticking pins in my PJ doll.

====''Charming'' [8.26]====

:'''Jo''': So, what do witches eat for breakfast? Toad in the hole with rea; toads, mutes on toast...
:'''Jonesy''': Innocent young policemen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jo''': What a wanker...say that in Latin!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonesy''': Eye of newt and all things worse, avert the evil warlocks curse!

====''Poisoned Fruit, Part 1'' [8.27]====

:'''PJ''': Anything else you'd like to share with us, Constable?
:'''Jonesy''': Yeah...I don't like brussell sprouts.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Suspect''': I gave you a swimming lesson.
:'''Jo''': Yes, you did.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonesy''': Hey Jo, come join us!
:'''Jo''': Sorry I can't, I have to ''study''.

====''Poisoned Fruit, Part 2'' [8.28]====

====''Fifteen Minutes'' [8.29]====

:'''Jo''': This is a waste of time.
:'''PJ''': Go get him, Jo-Jo.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonesy''': What do you mean, no sex while driving!? Are you so boring?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Falcon-Price'''': I reckon you've only got a few minutes left of your fifteen minutes of fame.

====''Copping The Flak'' [8.30]====

:'''Jonesy''': He viciously attacked Senior Constable Stewart's shin with a size 3 sneaker.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': I don't know about you people, but I've got a home to go to and a dog to feed.
:'''Jonesy''': Is it that time already...
:'''Tess''': Oh, Constable.
:'''Jonesy''': You wouldn't want me to do it on over time, would you?
:'''Tess''': Just as long as you do it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonesy''': Is that an order?
:'''Tess''': If it has to be.
:'''Jonesy''': In that case, I obey.

====''Strays'' [8.31]====

====''The Lord Giveth'' [8.32]====

:'''Tess''': Didn't your mother ever tell you curiosity killed the cat?
:'''Jonesy''': We never had a cat.

====''Credit Limit'' [8.33]====

====''A Hard Call'' [8.34]====

====''Role Model'' [8.35]====

:'''Squid''': This is crap.
:'''PJ''': And you're full of it.

====''A Safe Bet'' [8.36]====

====''A Matter Of Faith'' [8.37]====

====''Who Can You Trust'' [8.38]====

:'''Jo''': Jonesy, can you give me a hand to lift this thing?
:'''Jonesy''': Yeah...
:'''PJ''': You don't want me? Joanna, I am deeply offended.
:'''Jonesy''': PJ, can you blame her? I'll see you in the car.
:'''PJ''': Alright, Schwarzneggar!

====''Best Eaten Cold'' [8.39]====

====''The Real Santa'' [8.40]====

:'''Tom''': Just my luck, first prize I've ever won and the prize is broken.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': Mate, you are going to have to stop destroying telephones.

====''Dreaming Of A White Christmas'' [8.41]====

:'''Jo''': Look out! Reindeer Patrol, here we come!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': So what are your plans for tomorrow?
:'''PJ''': Just another day.
:'''Tom''': Get out of it. Don't you usually spend Christmas with your Mum?
:'''PJ''': Yes, well, she's ahh...spending Christmas with her new ahh...What do you call it when they're that age?
:'''Tom''': Ahh...lover?
:'''PJ''': Well that was the word I was looking not to say. I mean, I don't even like the idea of my Mum having sex with my Dad!
:'''Tom''': That's pathetic, PJ!
:'''PJ''': This is a thousand times worse. I don't even want to think about it.
:'''Tom''': Are you suggesting there should be some kind of sunset peclause on sex?
:'''PJ''': Absolutely! I mean, if you're over 50 and my mother, you shouldn't be having sex. In fact, you shouldn't be having sex full stop...Present company excluded, of course.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tess''': Hi.
:'''Jonesy''': Merry Christmas.
:'''Tess''': Yeah, you too.
:'''Jonesy''': I didn't know what to bring, so...
:'''Tess''': Anything's fine.
:'''Jonesy''': So...I didn't bring anything.
:'''Tess''': Oh! That's fine too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tess''': What are you looking for?
:'''Jonesy''': Mistletoe.
:'''Tess''': Get out!
:'''Jonesy''': Merry Christmas!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jo''': I can't believe it! I'm supposed to be drivin' to Frankstown now...I've even got my bathers on...
:'''PJ''': Bathers?!
:'''Jo''': Yeah, I was gonna go straight to the beach.
:'''PJ''': If it keeps raining you won't need to go to the beach...You're wearing them now?
:'''Jo''': Yeah, well, you didn't give me time to change!
:'''PJ''': One piece or two? Academic interest, that's all!
:'''Jo''': Yeah Right

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jo''': Why are you so cheerful all of a sudden, anyway?
:'''PJ''': You, me, your bikini, the prospect of Mal Yates on toast! What's not to be cheerful about?
:'''Jo''': I didn't say I was wearing a bikini.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Winifred''': More lemonade?
:'''Jo''': Winifred, you're defeating the purpose of surveillance. How are we supposed to do this discretely if you keep popping over here every five minutes like a demented jack in the box!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonesy''': I reckon Mrs Yates is living in La La Land.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben''': Congratulations, engine off please. You've just won the idiot of the night award.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brian''': You've got to help me. My brother's coming home for Christmas.
:'''Jo''': Isn't that a good thing?
:'''Brian''': My brother's coming home to murder me.
:'''PJ''': Now you're talking.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grace''': We're parrishoners, Tom, not pyromaniacs.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': Mal Yates is my Christmas present. He's the only one I'm likely to get. I want him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonesy''': I think your sister's got a better chance of getting your car home unscratched then you do. And apart from that, I'll have to arrest you if you try to start it up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brian''': If the bastard wants to murder me, he can do it with a beer in my hand.
:'''PJ''': Well go and drink it somewhere else. I'll tell you, I'll murder him if his brother doesn't.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grace''': What did you talk about?
:'''Tom''': This and that.
:'''Grace''': Specifically which and what?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben''': Deodorant...what are you trying to tell me Jo?

===Season 9 (2002)===

====''Breaking Point, Part 1'' [9.01]====

====''Breaking Point, Part 2'' [9.02]====

:'''Tess''': If I need any help from you, I will ask for it.

====''If It Ain't Hurtin''' [9.03]====

:'''Jonesy''': There's one thing I don't miss about being on the road...seedy coffee in seedy road houses.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tess''': I'm sorry about Meg.
:'''Jonesy''': I'm not...she blamed you.
:'''Tess''': Me?! Why?
:'''Jonesy''': She reckons you were jealous.
:'''Tess''': Of what?!
:'''Jonesy''': Of me and her.
:'''Tess''': Well, that comes from living in a fantasy world for too long.
:'''Jonesy''': She reckons you fancy me, Sergeant.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Tess kisses Jonesy on the cheek.]''
:'''PJ''': Hey! Don't we all get one?
:'''Ben''': I've been good, Sergeant!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris''': So when will I get to see G-I Jonesy in action?
:'''Jonesy''': The body can't take it anymore, Chris.
:'''Chris''': Weak!
:'''Jonesy''': Thanks!

====''Down In The Forest'' [9.04]====

====''The Real Thing'' [9.05]====
wanyeh

====''Rainy Night Blues'' [9.06]====

====''Jack &amp; Jill'' [9.07]====

====''Sons &amp; Mothers'' [9.08]====

====''Say His Name'' [9.09]====

====''The Perfect Life'' [9.10]====

====''Flushed'' [9.11]====

====''Dancing On The Edge'' [9.12]====

====''Those That Trespass'' [9.13]====

====''Reflection'' [9.14]====

====''Buddies'' [9.15]====

====''Sins Of The Father'' [9.16]====

====''Broken Dreams'' [9.17]====

====''An Old Fashioned Man'' [9.18]====

====''Of Middle Eastern Appearance'' [9.19]====

====''The Best Man'' [9.20]====

====''Wednesday's Child'' [9.21]====

====''Finders Keepers'' [9.22]====

====''Burning Desire'' [9.23]====

====''Naked Lady'' [9.24]====

====''Private Lives'' [9.25]====

====''Inside Outside'' [9.26]====

====''The Last Jar'' [9.27]====

====''Stewart vs Stewart'' [9.28]====

====''Fishing For Dummies'' [9.29]====

====''Salvation, Part 1'' [9.30]====

====''Salvation, Part 2'' [9.31]====

====''In Another Place'' [9.32]====

====''Parenthood'' [9.33]====

====''Boys Will Be Boys'' [9.34]====

====''Deep Water'' [9.35]====

====''Nothing Personal'' [9.36]====

====''Teamwork'' [9.37]====

====''Stable Mates'' [9.38]====

:'''Jo''': See something's sus. Parrish 1, Hasham 0.

====''Some Days'' [9.39]====

====''Body Of Evidence'' [9.40]====

====''All You Need Is Love'' [9.41]====

===Season 10 (2003)===

====''Firebrands, Part 1'' [10.01]====

====''Firebrands, Part 2'' [10.02]====

====''In The Dog House'' [10.03]====

====''Excuses, Excuses'' [10.04]====

:'''PJ''': Best excuse of the days wins.

====''Too Hard Basket'' [10.05]====

====''Fair Play'' [10.06]====

====''The Sum Of The Parts'' [10.07]====

====''Trust Accounts'' [10.08]====

====''Bumps In The Night'' [10.09]====

====''Out Of Control'' [10.10]====

====''Love In'' [10.11]====

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
 
:'''Jo''': I cant believe the boss would dob me in like that.
:'''Ben''': Ohh he just said that you and Falcon-Price were being competitive...
:'''Jo''': Russell, was being a complete jerk. Talk about win at all costs. I just, tried to cut him down to size a little bit.
:'''PJ''': By cutting the rope on the raft?
:'''Jo''': It wasn't as if it was going to hurt anybody. I guess you've um, heard about the rest...
:'''PJ''': Do go on.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''''Flashback'''''

:''(Inspector Falcon-Price get's into bed and goes to pull the sheets up)''
:'''Falcon-Price''': Alright, who short-sheeted my bed?

:''(Everyone is sitting inside around a fire. Inspector Falcon-Price takes a sip of his coffee and spits it out straight away)''
:'''Falcon-Price''': Who salted the sugar?
:''('''Jo''' is on the top bunk giggling into her coffee and covering her mouth with her hand)''

:''(Inspector Falcon-Price sit's on his bed and falls straight through to the floor)''
:'''Falcon-Price''': Oomph
:''('''Jo''' is laying on her own bed and starts laughing uncontrollably into her pillow)''

====''Black Out'' [10.12]====

====''Where There's A Will'' [10.13]====

====''Father's Day, Part 1'' [10.14]====

====''Father's Day, Part 2'' [10.15]====

====''Dream On'' [10.16]====

====''The Ties That Bind'' [10.17]====

====''Prince Charming'' [10.18]====

====''The New Perfect'' [10.19]====

====''Playing With Fire'' [10.20]====

====''A Bad Smell'' [10.21]====

====''A Knife For A Knife'' [10.22]====

====''A Better Mind'' [10.23]====

====''Thicker Than Water'' [10.24]====

:''[PJ walks in on Jo hugging Jonesy.]''
:'''PJ''': Is this the start of a new relationship or just comfort from a friend?
:'''Jonesy''': Just comfort.
:'''Jo''': Thanks mate.
:'''PJ''': In that case, I think it's my job.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': I'm saying I love you.

====''Raging Hormones'' [10.25]====

:'''Chris''': What about a board?
:'''Jo''': What? To hit PJ over the head with?
:'''Chris''': No, under the mattress. My father used to swear by a board. Actually, the wardrobe door of room 7 would do fine.
:'''PJ''': How much?
:'''Chris''': For you, PJ, nothing.
:'''PJ''': Speaking my language.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': Careful, Boss. Your chauvinism is showing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tess''': Of course, because we all know that every pregnant woman is capable of murder.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tess''': Do you want to have a look?
:'''Jonesy''': Thought you'd never ask.

:''[Jonesy enters Tess' ultrasound.]''
:'''Doctor''': I'm sorry, I didn't realise.
:'''Jonesy''': What?
:'''Doctor''': That you were the father.
:'''Jonesy''': No, we're just good friends.
:'''Doctor''': Do you want to know the sex of the baby?
:'''Jonesy''': Yes.
:'''Tess''': No.
:'''Jonesy''': Nah...
:'''Tess''': Print him out a copy if he wants. He can frame it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonesy''': I guess it's a shame we're not more like seahorses.
:'''Tess''': Seahorses?!
:'''Jonesy''': Yeah. It's the male that gets pregnant.
:'''Tess''': Probably the only male anything that knows what it's like to be dismissed as an eratic, hormonal half-wit every time it opens it's mouth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben''': Mate, you can't reason with pregnant women, they're stubborn for two.

====''A Blind Eye'' [10.26]====

====''Chocolate Sardines'' [10.27]====

====''Too Good To Be True, Part 1'' [10.28]====

:'''Jonesy''': Don't call me pal, mate.
:'''Calvin''': Don't call me mate, pal.

====''Too Good To Be True, Part 2'' [10.29]====

====''Every Man And His Ute'' [10.30]====

:'''PJ''': She called me a bastard.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben''': She pays, she chooses.
:'''PJ''': She wants pineapple on the pizza.
:'''Ben''': Well we'll get our own pizza.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[PJ thinks Jo has just hung up on him. The phone rings.]''
:'''PJ''': Oh? Over our little hissy fit, are we...oh, it's Senior Detective Hasham...

====''Motherhood'' [10.31]====

====''A New Life'' [10.32]====

====''The Lowest Of The Low'' [10.33]====

====''Safety Last'' [10.34]====

====''Good And Evil, Part 1'' [10.35]====

====''Good And Evil, Part 2'' [10.36]====

====''Losing The Road'' [10.37]====

:'''Brad''': Squeeze the trigger, you'd be doing me a favour.

====''What Goes Around'' [10.38]====

====''Contamination'' [10.39]====

====''Dirty Cheaters'' [10.40]====

====''Sexual Healing, Part 1'' [10.41]====

====''Sexual Healing, Part 2'' [10.42]====

===Season 11 (2004)===

====''Retribution, Part 1'' [11.01]====

:'''Jonesy''': You a big Sergeant, me lowly bleb.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Susie''': What is wrong with these men?
:'''Jo''': It's simple. Inside every man is a twelve-year-old boy.
:'''Susie''': And inside everyone woman?
:'''Jo''': Is a twelve-year-old girl. But twelve-year-old girls are much more mature than twelve-year-old boys.


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': You keep your sick perverted eyes off Constable Parrish!

====''Retribution, Part 2'' [11.02]====

====''The Right Thing'' [11.03]====

====''Happily Ever After'' [11.04]====

====''Heirs Apparent'' [11.05]====

====''A Mere Formality'' [11.06]====

====''Cast The First Stone'' [11.07]====

:'''PJ''': It's like aerobics, except you trying to get you nail polish dry, so it's more of an up and down motion.

:''[PJ, Ben and Jonesy start waving their arms around. Tom walks into the station, and PJ and Ben stop. Jonesy doesn't see him and keeps going.]''
:'''Tom (to Jonesy)''': Don't you have any work to do?!

:''[Jonesy stops quickly.]''

====''Great Expectations'' [11.08]====

:'''Jo''': It's either bush walking or jazz ballet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jo''': I shoud have realised the great white hunter wouldn't be able to find his way back to the car

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': Was this before or after you took your pants off for Rochelle?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': If you're not worried about mosquito bites in awkward places, neither am I

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''' (To Jo): This skinny dipping isn't gonna happen is it?

====''Off Your Face'' [11.09]====

====''Running Scared'' [11.10]====

:''[Jo has just seen the threat written on the patrol car window.]''
:'''Jo''': It's Senior Constable, you bastard.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jo''': Hang on, why am I taking my shirt off?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonesy''': No one tells me anything around here!

====''Mind Wide Open'' [11.11]====

:'''Susie''': So it really looked like a flying saucer?
:'''Jo''': It was full on and I didn't even have the mushrooms.
:'''Jonesy''': This is when it pays to read your stars signs. Will be abducted by aliens, so pack undies!
:'''Susie''': Wonder what's Rochelle's was?
:'''Jo''': Yeah, Sag.
:'''Jonesy''': Here it is. Something new will happen in your life. Maybe a new man. Expect a trip to outerspace! Expect a bumpy ride!
:'''PJ''': You're all so hilarious.
:'''Susie''': So what did your star sign say yesterday, PJ?
:'''Jo''': Expect a grumpy mood and a closed mind.
:'''PJ''': All your minds are so open I can hear the wind just whistling through!
:'''Jo''': PJ!

====''Reasonable Doubt (Live Episode)'' [11.12]====

====''On The Inside'' [11.13]====

:'''Susie''': It's not a date...it's a social obligation.

====''Secrets &amp; Lies'' [11.14]====

====''Yesterday's Hero'' [11.15]====

:'''Susie (to Jonesy)''': Am I distracting you?

====''The Cull'' [11.16]====

====''Life Of The Party, Part 1'' [11.17]====

====''Life Of The Party, Part 2'' [11.18]====

====''The Family Way'' [11.19]====

====''Payback'' [11.20]====

====''Echoes'' [11.21]====

:'''Jo''': Susie, how do I compete with a ghost?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': Life is very precious, just don't chuck it away.

====''End Of Innocence'' [11.22]====

:'''PJ''': Trouble is, I don't believe him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jo''': Every time I see him...it just hurts.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jo''': I always thought heartbroken was just an expression...but I can feel it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jo''': PJ's not the only one who's suffering.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonesy''': That line never works for me, Grace.

====''Headless Chooks'' [11.23]====

:'''Amy''': All right, I guess I'll just have a chair.
:'''PJ''': If that's what you want.
:'''Amy''': No, I don't want, but it'll have to do until I can figure out what's going on here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben''': I didn't think it was important.
:'''Nick''': No, Ben. You just didn't bother.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': How would you feel if someone killed your wife, Zoe?
:'''Nick''': Oh, you know mate, I'd probably give them a medal. You wouldn't understand because you're not married.

====''A Time For Mourning'' [11.24]====

:'''Amy''': Detectives don't dig.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mark (about Joss)''': Who's this?
:'''Jonesy''': Probationary Constable Idiot.

====''Pigs Will Fly'' [11.25]====

====''Life Goes On'' [11.26]====

====''Checkmate'' [11.27]====

====''Don't Call Me Baby'' [11.28]====

:'''Theo''': Well, screw you.
:'''Amy''': Not if you were the last man alive.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Amy sees Kelly's neck brace.]''
:'''Amy''': Love the fashion accessory!
:'''Kelly''': Is this 'Pick on Kelly Day'?

====''Bring It On'' [11.29]====

====''Pillow Talk'' [11.30]====

:'''Jonesy''': She's going to end up in the same place as Hugo Allen, and you can bet that's not Akapolko!
:'''Amy''': Actually, it was Aka-bloody-polko.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonesy''': Nice view...bit of a drop...

====''Out Of Love'' [11.31]====

:'''Amy''': Aggrrhh! Everytime I search men's luggage it's makes me glad I'm not married!
:'''Andrew''': Member of the sisterhood, are you?
:'''Amy''': I wish!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Susie''': He's dead, she's got coke, join the dots!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Susie (about Jonesy)''': Good career. Nice while it lasted.

====''Turf War'' [11.32]====

:'''Tom''': There's something missing.
:'''Amy (distractedly)''': Somewhere else...
:'''Tom''': Thankyou, Fox. Very helpful.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Susie''': What ''is'' your problem?!
:'''Amy''': What's your's?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Is it just my imagination or do we spend more time chasing Constable Cowboy than we do chasing crooks?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Read books do you, Donna?
:'''Donna''': You've probably never opened one. They have words in them.

====''Away Games'' [11.33]====

====''Special Treatment'' [11.34]====

:'''Tom''': I just didn't want it to appear that you were getting special treatment.
:'''Daniel''': Yeah, I was getting special treatment. Being locked up for owning a pair of really common shoes.

====''Too Late To Say Sorry'' [11.35]====

====''One Of The Boys'' [11.36]====

====''A Helping Hand'' [11.37]====

:'''Kelly (to Joss)''': It's for you, Romeo. It's Juliet, or at least Juliet's mum.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonesy''': Oh, and keep it in your pants.
:'''Joss''': Look who's talking.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': Peroni, if I wanted a doorstop I'd go out and buy one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Roy''': I'm just trying to help you become a better copper.
:'''Kelly''': My arse!
:'''Roy''': Your arse has nothing to do with it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': There is a Steve working the district and he picked up Jim Tudor last night and dropped him out to an abandoned farm.
:'''Tom''': Where he slept in a manger and gave birth to baby Jesus, I get the picture.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Faye''': So what time are you coming around?
:'''Joss''': Faye, I don't think...
:'''Faye''': What time?
:'''Joss''': Straight after work.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': How'd you find him?
:'''Tom''': Competent police work, what have you two been doing?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': Peroni, you're an idiot.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Roy''': You ring the parents, I'll put her through the books in a minute.
:'''Susie''': I think what he was trying to say is 'good job, well done'.
:'''Kelly''': Wouldn't hold my breath.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kelly''': I came over because you looked lonely, Roy Boy.
:'''Roy''': That's Sergeant Roy Boy to you.

====''Tit For Tat'' [11.38]====

=Tom=: Of course you've had a twinge Merv You're Stoned

====''Crash Site'' [11.39]====

:'''Chris''': How are spending Christmas, Jonesy?
:'''Jonesy''': I think I will go and flush myself down the toilet, Chrissy.
:'''Chris''': Oh, a non-traditional Christmas, then.

===Season 12 (2005)===

====''Vengeance'' [12.01]====

:'''Nick''': The only thing Tom Croydon is likely to knock over is a pie shop.

====''Burden Of Proof'' [12.02]====

:'''Tom''': A gun is only a threat if the person it's being used against doesn't want to die.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': I grew up in a Lebanese grocery.
:'''Foley''': You'd understand, then.
:'''PJ''': Oh yes. It's the falafels and pistacchio nuts that made me the detective I am today.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': What are you saying, the cows made me do it?

====''My Way'' [12.03]====

:'''PJ''': Don't ask me, I slept through algebra.
:'''Amy''': It's compound interest.
:'''PJ''': There's a difference?

====''The Walking Wounded'' [12.04]====

:'''Alex''': Well, hello Foxy!
:'''Amy''': Senior Detective will be fine.
:'''Alex''': Ouch!
:'''PJ''': Don't you have your own desk?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alex''': You're only trapped if you think you're trapped. It's a mind thing, Grasshopper.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alex''': There's a crazy man running around with a gun.
:'''Tom''': If this is a joke...
:'''Alex''': Actually, he was wearing a uniform like your's. His name is Jones.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alex''': The Senior Sergeant is a bit of a straight shooter, is he?
:'''Mark''': Well, that's one way of putting it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonesy''': You didn't tell me you were coming.
:'''Alex''': I wanted to surprise you. Surprise!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonesy''': This is Senior Detective PJ Hasham.
:'''Alex''': I thought you said the detective was an old guy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonesy (to Susie)''': We'll just have to wait until someone comes to find us.

:''[Scene cuts to the station.]''
:'''Mark''': Have you seen my pen, Joss?
:'''Joss''': Well, what's it look like?
:'''Mark''': It's an astronaut pen. It writes upside down. It was a bloody Father's Day present!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mark''': Where is my pen, Evan?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mark''': Mt. Thomas to the unit calling. Would you please keep the airwaves clear for less melodic communication?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': I've seen people like her before...the walking wounded. Damaged people thinking they're just like everyone else and then something snaps.

====''Chasing Smoke'' [12.05]====

:'''Amy''': In Xanadu did Kubla Kahn, a stately pleasure-dome decree.
:'''PJ''': What?
:'''Amy''': Nothing.

====''Everything A Girl Could Want'' [12.06]====

:'''Kelly''': If you ever make a bet like that again, I will do some soccer practice of my own...with your balls.

====''One Good Turn'' [12.07]====

====''Sex Sells'' [12.08]====

====''One Sick Puppy'' [12.09]====

:'''Jonesy''': You bastard.
:'''Alex''': What?
:'''Jonesy''': Where is it?
:'''Alex''': Where's what?
:'''Jonesy''': Where is it?
:'''Alex''': Mate, take it easy, mate.
:'''Jonesy''': Hand it over!
:'''Alex''': Okay, okay, just let me go.
:'''Mark''': What is going on, you two?

:''[Jonesy lets Alex go and he gives Jonesy his missing promotion.]''
:'''Mark''': That was a very low act.
:'''Alex''': Yeah, but it was bloody funny.
:'''Jonesy''': Right, now you die.
:'''Alex''': Hey, it was a joke! Where's your sense of humour?
:'''Mark''': Hey, you two!

:''[Jonesy and Alex begin to wrestle.]''
:'''Mark''': Now look here!
:'''Tom''': What the hell is going on?
:'''Alex''': Jonesy and I are just reliving our childhood, Boss.
:'''Tom''': Well, find a playground to do it. Because believe it or not, this is a police station.

====''Killing Time'' [12.10]====

:'''Amy''': Wow, I must be a better actor than I thought.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joss''': She looks like a dog!
:'''Kelly''': Joss!
:'''Joss''': What? Look at her. She does.
:'''Mark''': We don't need the canine comparisons, everybody has their own attributes.

====''Mirror Image'' [12.11]====

:'''Amy''': Say it isn't true.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garth''': I hate all that hippy touchy feely shit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Susie''': Watch out, Jonesy, you're turning into a snag.
:'''Jonesy''': No I'm not. I'm just doing my job.
:'''Susie''': In a snaggy kind of way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Deaf man''': That's all right, it's what I'd expect from an arsehole like you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy (of Garth)''': An extended fling would be more accurate terminology.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Deaf man has just been using sign language.]''
:'''Jonesy''': He just called me a dickhead, didn't he?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonesy (of Alex)''': His sister's deaf. He could sign before he could talk.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy (of Garth)''': He just made me feel dirty and worthless all over again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy (to Garth)''': You were the one person who could have understood me and you just drove me away!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy (of Garth)''': Well, he's been alternating between the same two boring shirts since he got here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': The homicide crew can hardly do any worse than you lot.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joss''': Chocolates are a girl thing. We like beer and stuff.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': I'm starting to fade, Mark. Just when it's starting to get interesting.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kelly''': War, Peroni. This means war.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': We need to keep our blood sugar levels up. Pork, fish, chicken. Major food groups.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy (to Garth)''': You are a liar, a coward, and you can go to hell.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Chocolate, that's caffeine too, isn't it?
:'''Mark''': That's different caffeine. That's chocolate caffeine, that's good for the soul.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom (to Mark)''': Bodies piling up outside and you're flogging chocolates.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bill''': I thought you couldn't be seen with me.
:'''Amy''': Just making sure you don't nick any stationery on your way out.
:'''Bill''': I thought I was a serial killer.
:'''Amy''': Still need stationery.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mark''': You're asleep on your feet.
:'''Amy''': I was resting my eyes.
:'''Mark''': Yes, that's exactly what I tell Penny when I'm nodding off in front of the tele.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garth (of Ngaire's house)''': Not exactly a party chick, was she?
:'''Amy''': You're all heart, Garth.
:'''Garth''': I can be, given the chance.
:'''Amy''': Let's just stick to the matter at hand, shall we?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': Did he ever talk about his family.
:'''Amy''': Hardly ever, that was probably the attraction.

====''Blood And Bone'' [12.12]====

:'''PJ''': If he comes back here, I give you permission to use your weapon on him. ''Garth leaves'' And if you leave your post again, I will use mine on you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': I'm no one special. Worse off than some. Better off than others.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Go easy, Joss!
:'''Jaimie''': Yeah, Joss, go easy!

====''Kicking Over The Traces'' [12.13]====

:'''Alex (of the dead man)''': The suspect was...hanging around...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mark''': Have you thought about a massage?
:'''Alex''': Thanks Sarge, but I hardly know you.
:'''Susie''': Let me try.
:'''Amy''': Try strangling him instead.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonesy''': I gave you plenty of warning!
:'''Alex''': Yeah, then you just dropped him on me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alex''': So, do you torture for a living?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alex (while being massaged)''': Doc, please! I've got a low pain threshold!
:'''Dr. Hunter''': Just try to relax.
:'''Alex''': Okay, I promise. No more bad jokes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mark''': Yeah, it's been a popular car over the last thirty years.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joss''': It's about time they treated us with some respect.
:'''Kelly''': Joss. You're holding a melon, mate.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alex (about the ball-bearing shooter)''': Mate, it's so stupid...it's beautiful.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joss''': Should've just thumped that little jerk.
:'''Mark''': Hey, Joss. Don't go around thumping members of the general public, alright? ESD has a slight problem with it. Gives us a bad name.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alex (to boys)''': Don't you ever clean out your pizza boxes?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Susie (to Alex)''': I don't want to put the hard word on you, but I don't want to be palmed off again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Susie (to Alex)''': Put some extra sugar in your coffee. It might help.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kelly''': This is our chance to get sacked.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kelly (to Joss)''': You won't be sacked. The Boss likes having you to kick around.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kelly''': I'm sorry?
:'''Joss''': I was wrong. Jamie Hunter had nothing to do with the bomb. But the evi...

:''[Kelly clears her throat loudly.]''
:'''Joss''': Alright, I was wrong. What else?
:'''Kelly''': The garage?
:'''Joss''': The garage was a stupid idea.
:'''Kelly''': And whose idea was it?
:'''Joss''': It was mine.
:'''Kelly''': I'm sorry Kelly for dragging you into it.
:'''Joss''': Yes, I'm sorry.
:'''Kelly''': It was dumb.
:'''Joss''': Hmm, alright.
:'''Kelly''': I am an idiot.

:''[Joss mumbles in Italian.]''
:'''Kelly''': I'm sorry?
:'''Joss''': Uh, that's Italian for I'm really terribly sorry.
:'''Kelly''': Hmm. Variation on scuzez, huh?
:'''Joss''': Yeah, that's right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joss''': I felt resposible for what happened, so I'm glad you're alright. So much so that I got you something.
:'''Kelly''': What is it?

:''[Joss gives Kelly the bag.]''
:'''Kelly''': Thanks.

:''[Kelly pulls out a bunch of bananas.]''
:'''Kelly''': Did you even pay for these?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonesy''': I saw that.
:'''Susie''': What? Nothing happened.
:'''Jonesy''': You smiled.
:'''Susie''': I used to perm my hair.
:'''Jonesy''': So?
:'''Susie''': It was the nineties.
:'''Jonesy''': Touche. I tried to impress a girl once by singing Love Me Tender. To her cat.
:'''Susie''': Did it work?
:'''Jonesy''': Her cat was obsessed with me after that.

:''[Susie laughs.]''
:'''Jonesy''': There you go. Twice. I win.
:'''Susie''': I thought I knew most of your disaster stories.
:'''Jonesy''': Not all of them, no.
:'''Susie''': Is there more?
:'''Jonesy''': Yeah. But I'll hold off on them. Gotta keep something in store.
:'''Susie''': Yeah for when I have another day like today. Tonight was fun.
:'''Jonesy''': Fun. Is that it?

:''[Jonesy tries to kiss Susie, but she pushes him away.]''
:'''Jonesy''': Oh, Suse. I don't get it.
:'''Susie''': It's not you.
:'''Jonesy''': Well, I know you're not seeing anyone else. You are seeing someone else.
:'''Susie''': There's just something that I have to sort out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonesy''': Your mug half empty, mate?
:'''Alex''': Just, ah, contemplating the universe.
:'''Jonesy''': Is it a private conversation or can anyone join in?
:'''Alex''': When you think about it, you know, two bodies that have been revolving around each other for some time. Equal mass, although one may be thicker than the other...
:'''Jonesy''': Are you sure this is, ah, coffee you've been drinking?
:'''Alex''': Gravity...is a really powerful force of attraction, mate. I mean, these two bodies...they just, they just wanna crash into each other, but something's holding them back. Inertia, maybe? I dunno. But they're...locked in orbit. It could go on forever.
:'''Jonesy''': Sounds depressing.
:'''Alex''': It is. Get your act together, mate. Ask her out.
:'''Jonesy''': Who?
:'''Alex''': Who do you think?

====''Offside'' [12.14]====

:'''Alex''': Do you reckon you could book a crow for speeding?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alex''': That's not a very flattering way to talk about a lady.
:'''Jonesy''': Well, the lady's not interested.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alex''': Okay, Susie, where'd you hide them?
:'''Susie''': God, you're an insensitive bastard.

:''[Susie leaves.]''
:'''Jonesy''': Yeah, you're an idiot.
:'''Alex''': Well I guess that's marginally better than being a bastard.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alex''': Well, I'm stuffed too if it's any consolation.
:'''Jonesy''': Not really, no. Well, maybe just a little bit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonesy''': Impersonating ESD...what do you get for that?
:'''Alex''': I don't know, I don't think it's ever been done.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonesy''': What happens when the real ESD show up and she mentions you?
:'''Alex''': Oh, God, we're stuffed.

====''The Life'' [12.15]====

:'''Jonesy''': Yeah, well, hindsight's 20/20, isn't it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Man''': How do we know this is real. I could have done this in ten minutes on Photoshop.
:'''Danny''': You're just going to have to trust me.
:'''Jonesy''': Besides, if you hang around long enough, you can see it on the 6 o'clock news.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mark''': Yes, well I want world peace, Mr. Ross, but we don't always get what we want.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Danny''': Trust, honour, family...rules for life.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Danny''': Hey, remember...trust, honour, family always comes first.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy (of the voice recorder)''': How sensitive is that thing?
:'''Alex''': See that magpie over there?
:'''Amy''': Yeah...
:'''Alex''': It just farted.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Danny (to Jonesy)''': Butch is going to need someone to smack him into line every now and again. Just keep your hands off my wife.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': That's the difference between us, Danny. I would never be in your shoes.

====''The Ticket Out'' [12.16]====

:'''Tom''': Three men dead in one shift is not a good look, Jones.
:'''Jonesy''': Even if they were all scum?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mark''': Sir, Senior Sergeant Croydon is out of control.
:'''Falcon-Price''': Tell me something I don't know.
:'''Mark''': Yesterday he kept you out of the loop and sent Senior Constable Jones out on a very delicate assignment.
:'''Falcon-Price''': This would be Senior Constable 'Barking Mad' Jones.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Falcon-Price''': This station has more cowboys than the cast of Oklahoma.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Falcon-Price''': The Jurassic Age is over. The time of the dinosaurs has passed and mammals now rule the earth. You'd want to ask yourself what team you're on.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': This time yesterday, we had four gangsters alive, well and operating. Today, three of them are dead and the other one is going down for murder. So what's the problem?
:'''Falcon-Price''': You.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mark''': We've got a tobacco farmer knocked on the head, six bales of tobacco missing.
:'''Amy''': Six bales...what's that worth?
:'''PJ''': Bootleg tobacco...seven grand a bale...
:'''Amy''': Forty-two big ones. I'm in the wrong job.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': You should get your husband to the hospital, Mrs. Cole. He could have concussion.
:'''Mrs. Cole''': You spend your life at that hospital.
:'''PJ''': Now why didn't I marry a sympathetic woman like that?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alex''': What do you do for a living, sir?
:'''Brendan''': Well, you just had a squiz in the back. What does it look like?
:'''Alex''': Well, you tell me.
:'''Brendan''': Long distance carrier, this job's furniture removal.
:'''Alex''': And who uses bales of tobacco as furniture?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joss''': I'd rather get in trouble with the mafia.
:'''Brendan''': Well, by the look of you, you probably know all about them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': Brendan has just won first prize for the greatest number of lies told in one sentence.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brendan''': So, how are things with the mafia?
:'''Joss''': That's twice you've made that remark. Wanna say it again? No.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mark''': There are guidelines, PJ, and they apply to all of us.
:'''PJ''': Even to the Boss?
:'''Mark''': Yeah, even to the Boss.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': What are you getting at?
:'''PJ''': We came into the station, you must have seen him and you walked out again. You missed the initial interview and now you want to charge him. You haven't even talked to him.
:'''Amy''': You saying I lack objectivity?
:'''PJ''': I'm asking if you two have a history.
:'''Amy''': You just crossed the line, PJ. My history is my history and no one else's, full stop.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': First move now is to make a statement of exactly what happened.
:'''Brendan''': I've already told him what happened, I told him three times.
:'''Amy''': And if you want to see a judge and jury laugh their socks off, you'll tell them the same story.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': You are not my judge, PJ! No one is my judge!
:'''PJ''': Judge of what?

====''Playing By The Book'' [12.17]====

:'''Susie''': Lucky we didn't save him a pie.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonesy''': Would you mind if a kissed you?
:'''Susie''': Ahh...no.
:'''Jonesy''': 'Cause I really like you, Susie. I've liked you from the moment I first saw you...I guess it was like at first sight.
:'''Susie''': Well that's a good start, then.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sam''': Don't be a doofus.
:'''Daisy''': I'm not a doofus!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': People make their own choices. They live with their pain.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Maybe she was too scared to fight!

====''Monster'' [12.18]====

:'''PJ''': What are you doing here?
:'''Amy''': The jewellers on Penhope Road was knocked over.
:'''PJ''': Yeah, I know...that's why I'm here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': You want a coffee? Or maybe a scotch?
:'''Amy''': Don't tempt me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alex (to Jonesy)''': I am the best mate you are ever going to have.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Woman (of Jonesy)''': Cute...and good at his job.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy (to Tom)''': Thanks for your concern, but I don't need anyone playing devil's advocate.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': He forced himself on my for years. What could be harder to deal with than that?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': This is my workplace. I'm not going to hide.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonesy (to different woman)''': All I know is, once I find her, that's it.
:'''Susie (to different man)''': Kids...house...the whole catastrophe.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonesy (on the phone to Susie)''': Now why haven't I seen that dress before?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonesy''': Because...maybe we're made of different stuff. Maybe we want different things. Maybe you just wanna play the field.
:'''Susie''': That's not what I want. Jonesy, it's taken us this long to get this far, don't stuff it up now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': You're the one who told me to go after him!
:'''PJ''': If we're going to nail him, then we need to stick to procedure.
:'''Amy''': I don't give a stuff about procedure. I don't even care if we charge him. He's already ruined my life, and I'm not going to let him ruin Chloe's.
:'''PJ''': Do you want me to come with you?
:'''Amy''': No.
:'''PJ''': Wrong answer.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Susie''': I think what you did was brave, facing up to him.
:'''Amy''': Brave...I thought that once I'd faced him that things would change, that I'd change.
:'''Susie''': Nothing's going to change right away.
:'''Amy''': Maybe nothing will ever change. Maybe this is as good as it gets.

====''Dangerous Animals'' [12.19]====

:'''Tom''': Now, who want's brussell sprouts?
:'''Sam and Daisy''': Ewwwwww!
:'''Tom''': Did I say brussell sprouts? I meant fish and chips.
:'''Sam and Daisy''': Yay!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonesy''': There's a man-eater out there!
:'''Susie''': Go on then, 'Sir Evan'!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonesy''': One umbrella. Very broken.
:''[He pretends to dance, Mary-Poppins style.]''
:'''Susie''': I didn't know you were a man of so many talents!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonesy''': Some mate you turned out to be.
:'''Alex''': What?
:'''Jonesy''': Susie.

====''Showdown'' [12.20]====

====''Car Wars'' [12.21]====

====''Night And Day'' [12.22]====

:'''Jason''': Which dickhead turned the music off?!
:'''Jonesy''': That dickhead would be me.

====''The Party's Over'' [12.23]====

====''Crossing The Line'' [12.24]====

:'''Amy''': Smells like fish.
:'''PJ''': Now, Amy. You're going to spoil the moment where I'm being all heroic and supportive. I will confess to you that for a small portion of the day only, my hankie shared my pocket with a half-eaten tuna sandwich.

:''[Amy laughs.]''
:'''PJ''': What, a man's gotta eat?
:'''Amy''': Eat, yes, but store in a pocket?
:'''PJ''': Well it has been a long day.
:'''Amy''': Yeah, I might get a late night.

====''In Warm Blood'' [12.25]====

:'''Alex''': Everyone else decided the best way to help Kelly was to turn into uniformed thugs!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alex''': His mother passed away while we were holding him in here on a charge we all knew was a crock!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': Next time, tuck your thumb in like this...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alex''': You sold me out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mark''': Actually, this time Boss...it's your fault.

====''Another Day At The Office, Part 1'' [12.26]====

:'''Garth''': It's a job, not a kidney donation.
:'''Amy''': Why me?
:'''Garth''': Why you what?
:'''Amy''': You said you had your pick of the force. Why me?
:'''Garth''': Oh, you know, so I can look up your skirt.
:'''Amy''': You wanna get out and walk?
:'''Garth''': You wanna concede that you're good at this gig and we work well together?

====''Another Day At The Office, Part 2'' [12.27]====

:'''PJ''': No one wants a party, mate.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''PJ''': You acted like anyone would have. It means you're human.
:'''Amy''': It means I've got a long way to go.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garth''': Mate, I'm going to have to commend you on your shooting skills.
:'''PJ''': It's amazing what a little motivation does for your aim.

====''Last Orders'' [12.28]====

====''Getting The Bullet'' [12.29]====

:'''Tom''': Peroni didn't shoot anybody. He's a copper. Coppers don't shoot other coppers.

====''Acid Test'' [12.30]====

:'''Amy''': Me Lone Ranger, you Tonto - got it?
:'''Jonesy''': Whatever you say, Kemo Sabe.

====''One For The Road'' [12.31]====

====''Two Laws'' [12.32]====

====''Good Times'' [12.33]====

:'''Jonesy''': Well, they reckon the skull could be ancient.
:'''Alex''': Oh, what? Mt. Thomas Man, ten thousand years old?
:'''Jonesy''': Couldn't be, the Boss is still walking around.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kelly (to Matt)''': I mean, you're a long way from the sunshine, sunshine.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kelly (to Joss)''': Is everything a bet with you?

====''Bad Fortune'' [12.34]====

:'''Amy''': What the hell are you two...is that a pie?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonesy''': What do you call this?
:'''Ernie''': In my world, we call that a shovel.
:'''Jonesy''': Yes, well, in my world, we call that blood.
:'''Amy''': And in my world, I call that a reason for a visit to the station.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alex''': Yeah! Right on, Foxy! You sure told them!
:'''Amy''': Don't ever call me that again, 'ACTING' Sergeant!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Matt''': So what do you need me to do, Sarge?
:'''Alex''': I don't need the formal stuff. Call me Alex.
:'''Matt''': Whatever you say, Sarge.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': I thought you were the romantic.
:'''Jonesy''': Yeah, but that's just stupid.

====''Child's Play'' [12.35]====

:'''Matt (talking to the dog)''': Hey, boy. What are you doing here? Watching the future of your country make fools of themselves? Don't do drugs, okay?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joss''': She just flashed me.
:'''Jonesy''': Who? Kelly? She's sick, man. She's delirious. I dunno, I wouldn't take it as a compliment.
:'''Joss''': No, that school girl.
:'''Jonesy''': I'm sure you'll get over it.
:'''Joss''': I'm old enough to be her dad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ashley''': I could sue you if I get what you've got.
:'''Kelly''': Go ahead, all you'll get is a hairbrush and an alarm clock.
:'''Ashley''': Well may I request a change of babysitter, then?
:'''Kelly''': Who would you like? I don't recommend the Italian.
:'''Ashley''': Been there have you?
:'''Kelly''': No, I love him like a brother. I've made it my mission to keep him intact until he finds a nice girl to marry.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ashley''': I hear you're looking for a nice girl...good luck trying to find one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonesy''': What do we have here?
:'''Amy''': We have a Luke Knights...
:'''Jonesy''': Is that right? G'day, Luke. I'm an Evan Jones, and I've had several less hours sleep than I need, so you are not in friendly hands here, son.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kelly''': I've been called in.
:'''Estelle''': But it's Saturday.
:'''Kelly''': Crime doesn't care about that.
:'''Estelle''': But you're sick.
:'''Kelly''': Crime doesn't care about that either.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonesy (to Luke)''': Get in there you arrogant little sh*t!
:'''Joss''': We can't do that, can we?
:'''Jonesy''': We just did.

====''Facing The Music'' [12.36]====

:'''Matt''': You read the right act to your girlfriend yet?
:'''Kelly''': She's not my girlfriend.
:'''Matt''': No, she's a stalker.
:'''Joss''': Who's this? Your fruitcake mate?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kelly''': I am not your friend, Estelle, get that through your head!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Matt''': Did she get the message?
:'''Kelly''': Doubt I'll make it to her Christmas card list...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alex''': So what footy team do you follow?
:'''Matt''': Don't really.
:'''Alex''': C'mon, everyone has a footy team.
:'''Matt''': Lions, I guess.
:'''Alex''': Oh, that's right, you're a banana bender.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alex''': Sometimes it doesn't hurt to be a little flexible.
:'''Matt''': You mean piss-weak.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Matt''': You don't just decide to smack your teacher in the face on a whim. Something must've happened!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Matt''': He's lying.
:'''Alex''': Or he just doesn't respond well to being badgered!
:'''Matt''': You don't hit someone over guitar practice.
:'''Alex''': This kid did! Look, even his father didn't think it was out of character, what more do you want?
:'''Matt''': The truth.

====''Too Close'' [12.37]====

====''Promises, Promises'' [12.38]====

:'''Chris''': You're preaching to the converted, Alex!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kelly''': I just got rid of one stalker, Peroni, I don't need another.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Susie''': I don't know why the council bothers with this sign. None of the kids are getting any better at reading it.
:'''Alex''': Well they wouldn't have to trespass if the council just left the gate open.
:'''Susie''': Well that's a flawless piece of logic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Matt''': He wouldn't do anything to hurt his daughter.
:'''Tom''': Your call, Detective.
:'''Matt''': He's not a flight risk, trust me.
:'''Amy''': Alright...but it's on your head.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': (sarcastically) He's not a flight risk, trust me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonesy''': Amy's a good copper. She's as straight as they come, but she will listen to any reasonable suggestion.
:'''Matt''': Yeah well, you must know a different Amy Fox.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': One guess who lit the match.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': The video shop guy again?
:'''Matt''': The video shop guy's an evil bastard.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': Oh, that looks serious.
:'''Matt''': No point making it if it's not. You want one?
:'''Tom''': Doubt it if my heart would survive it. I understand your concern about divulging information. I was in the army myself. Vietnam. A word in the wrong ear could lead to a platoon being ambushed. But we're coppers now. We rely on information. We can't do the job without it. You're not at war now, Matt.
:'''Matt''': We weren't in Timor to fight a war. We were peacekeepers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': If I find out that you have helped Jose to disappear or divulged any information to him whatsoever, I promise you I will have your badge.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Constable, I'm thinking of filing an official complaint against you myself, so I strongly suggest you shut up right now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jose''': I want to speak to my daughter.
:'''Amy''': Not before we do.

====''Slaying The Demons'' [12.39]====

:'''Tom''': For once I agree with Peroni.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Wait!
:'''Matt''': Don't worry...I'm not going anywhere.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Scared we'd find out about the demon slayer?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonesy''': I'm trying to stop you from ruining your life.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Looks like your gut was better than mine...this time.
:'''Jonesy''': Well if it's a competition, then you've got plenty of time to get your own back. I just got accepted into detective training school.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Well, if you ever make Detective, maybe I'll listen to your opinion.

====''Keeping Up Appearances'' [12.40]====

:''[Matt and Amy see the politician's son's eyepatch.]''
:'''Matt''': Arr!

:''[Amy glares at him.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': We're actually heading over to the hospital now if you'd like a lift.
:'''Sean (watching Matt)''': Uh, no thanks.
:'''Amy''': Don't blame you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy (of Matt)''': Is that the best you can give me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Matt''': We'll need to get onto the girlfriend...
:'''Amy''': Constable! You will not do anything without my go-ahead, understand?

:''[Matt stops.]''
:'''Amy''': What are you waiting for?
:'''Matt''': For that, you know, go-ahead.
:'''Amy (doubtfully)''': Uh-huh. Call her.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Who said there was no intelligent life here?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Matt''': The clue was staring her right in the face.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': When were you going to tell me all this?
:'''Matt''': When you were ready to listen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': And the joyrider?
:'''Amy''': Could charge him with rank stupidity, but he didn't do it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': No spilling coffee, no interrupting me while I'm asking questions, no stain remover.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Ha, ha...oops, just lost my butter menthol.
:'''Joss''': That's disgusting.
:'''Kelly''': Well I'm working in CI.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joss''': Why you?
:'''Kelly''': Well, I imagine Amy was looking for someone with a ruthless determination for the truth.
:'''Joss''': Exactly, why you?
:'''Kelly''': Look, there's the right stuff...and then there's Peroni.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Susie''': I was just trying to make her feel more comfortable.
:'''Amy''': I'm a detective. Making people comfortable is not what I do.
:'''Susie''': Obviously.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Did you pass?
:'''Jonesy''': Of course!
:'''Amy''': Thank God!

====''Lost'' [12.41]====

:'''Joss''': Woo, Jonesy. You're a brave man. Women are going to be mobbing you in the streets dressed like that.
:'''Jonesy''': Well, it beats the uniform.
:'''Joss''': Well, I just actually realised how much I like the uniform.
:'''Kelly''': If you ever come to work wearing something like that, I will shoot you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonesy''': Suse.
:'''Susie''': Hmmm...
:'''Jonesy''': The suit?
:'''Susie''': Right...

:''[Buzzer sounds in reception area.]''
:'''Susie''': I'll grab that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonesy''': You all but told her exactly what to say.
:'''Amy''': She said it was possible.
:'''Jonesy''': Highly unlikely is what she said.
:'''Amy''': Extremely unlikely is what she ''actually'' said, but still possible.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Well of course I need you, grab him!
:'''Jonesy''': Want a coffee as well?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alex''': Are you happy with your treatment by the police here today?
:'''Lyle''': Nah! Don't like my women so uptight...you're gonna die a virgin, sweetheart!
:'''Amy''': I'll die much happier than any of your girlfriends.

====''Found'' [12.42]====

:'''Alex''': So finally your sluttish ways have come back to haunt you!
:'''Jonesy''': I wasn't that bad.
:'''Alex''': Old rubber hips Jonesy.
:'''Jonesy''': This isn't funny.
:'''Alex''': Oh it is. Just a little bit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': I'm not like you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': I thought you went home.
:'''Jonesy''': Well, maybe I like paperwork.
:'''Amy''': I said I don't mind doing it.
:'''Jonesy''': We're in this together...partners.
:'''Amy''': Is that what we are?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': I wouldn't mind a coffee.
:'''Jonesy''': Good. You can get me one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jake''': Are you really a Detective?
:'''Amy''': Yeah.
:'''Jake''': I'm Jake.
:'''Amy''': I'm Amy Fox.
:'''Jake''': We have a fox that lives down the back.
:'''Amy''': It's probably a relative.

===Season 13 (2006)===

====''Only The Lonely'' [13.01]====

:'''Alex''': Don't worry about a kiss...
:'''Jonesy''': Aw, I'll give you one if it means that much to you.
:'''Alex''': We have to stop living together.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joss''': It's our job to serve and protect.
:'''Kelly''': That's America, you moron!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Matt''': Pig shooter.
:'''Amy''': Not quite the way I would've put it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bob''': You're a good man Tom.
:'''Tom''': Don't say that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alex''': What am I doing? I'm just pretending to be his Dad. Acting Sergeant, Acting Dad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': Computer. What's that?

====''Boss'' [13.02]====

:'''Francis''': Are you sick?
:'''Tom''': I'm fine!!
:'''Francis (about Amy)''': She's pretty committed!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': Just a bit of heartburn...
:'''Amy''': Sophie said that?
:'''Tom''': Not that it's anyone's business, but yes.
:'''Amy''': Wow. She's even better than I thought! Diagnosis by telepathy... She rang, boss, looking for you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Francis''': Gran said to stick by the main road or I'll get kidnapped by a serial killer.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Matt''': It's cool.
:'''Tom''': Cool. These blokes don't seem cool to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': Amy, if you were a drug squad Senior Detective Sergeant...
:'''Amy''': I would have had a pretty fast promotion in the last five seconds!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Am I a cowboy??
:'''Tom''': Not as much as some...
:'''Amy''': Am I looking to get brownie points?
:'''Tom''': You're about to retire
:'''Amy''': Might wanna look good in front of my crew.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': And yeah, don't worry. I WILL make the call. Even if I don't get anything in return.
:'''Tom''': You want me to go see the doctor that much??
:'''Amy''': So far I'm coming across as half-hearted?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': These are the two that's been monstering Francis?? Put em in the cell!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Francis''': Really? You trust me with the cars?
:'''Tom''': As much as I trust Peroni...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom (about Matt)''': They're gonna kill him!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
'''Tom (reading the letters coming up on Matt's notebook):''' W, A...
:'''Alex''': Uh..water? waterfall?
:'''Tom''': S, H, I, N, G...
:'''Alex and Amy''': Washing powder...
:'''Amy''': It's his shopping list!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': Lock the prick up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': Don’t you have a hanky?”

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Francis''': Geez, you go to the toilet a lot.
:'''Tom''': Yeah? Well you don’t blow you nose enough!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joss''': How do you know this kid anyway?
:'''Tom''': Bad luck.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': How old are you Kirby!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alex''': What do you want me to do? Carry him to school?
:'''Francis''': I weigh 72 kilos.
:'''Alex''': That's impressive!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Susie''': You guys know each other?
:'''Tom''': Yeah we were at the academy together.
:'''Susie''': Together?
:'''Rex''': Err, I’m older than I look.
:'''Tom''': And I’m…younger than I look...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rex''': What the hell is that?
:'''Tom''': It looks like a Twistie sandwich!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Ahh boss, your appointment – 15 minutes.
:'''Tom''': Yeah yeah, I’m on my way.
:'''Amy''': [surprised] Great!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Francis''': Are you gunna die?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonesy''': Boss? Everything okay?
:'''Tom''': What?
:'''Jonesy''': Like with you.
:'''Tom''': Why wouldn’t everything be okay?
:'''Jonesy''': I dunno mate you look a little crook. Why don’t you go see a doctor, go see Sophie!
:'''Tom''': When was the last time YOU went to see a doctor?
:'''Jonesy''': Can’t remember…but I’m not crook.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': MY health is MY business, I don’t need YOU broadcasting your opinions to every man and his dog!
:'''Amy''': I haven’t said anything to anyone – not even a dog.
:'''Tom''': Then why would Jones of ALL people suddenly be suggesting I need to see a doctor?
:'''Amy''': Probably because ‘Blind Freddy’ could see that there’s something seriously wrong with you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me. It's none of my business. But if 'Jones of ALL people' can see it, then soon whatever's wrong with you is going to be everyone's business.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Francis''': Wow, a real police operation. Did I help?
:'''Tom''': No. You just got in the bloody way.

====''Dirt'' [13.03]====

:'''Rory''': You said I could take the next one, Jonesy!

:''[Alex looks at Jonesy.]''
:'''Rory''': Come on, Jonesy!
:'''Jonesy''': Alright, there you go mate.

:''[Jonesy gives Rory the radio.]''
:'''Rory''': Mt. Thomas 509 to VKC, we'll attend.
:'''VKC''': Thanks, Mt. Thomas 509.
:'''Alex''': You're only encouraging him.
:'''Jonesy''': Well, at least he got the call sign right!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Old man (about Alex)''': That's no Sergeant!
:'''Alex''': Who the hell's this?
:'''Joss''': This is the guy that stole the perfume from the chemist.
:'''Old man (about Alex)''': That's just a mannequin in a uniform!
:'''Matt (holds up lingerie)''': And he'd also stolen these...
:'''Joss (holds up dog collar and lead)''': And this...
:'''Alex''': What's he gonna do...EURGH! He's all yours.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Old man's son''': I'm sorry, Constable. Has he been difficult?
:'''Matt''': Well...he's been singing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom (to Alex)''': If you can't be a decent Sergeant, at least be a decent father!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alex''': Come on, when was the last time you had something green?
:'''Jonesy''': Oh...last night. We had a packet of spearmint leaves, didn't we mate?
:'''Alex''': Eat your vegetables...Both of you!

:''[Rory makes a disgusted look at Jonesy.]''
:'''Jonesy''': Well, there's only one way I'm going to get through this.

:''[Jonesy grabs a tomato sauce bottle and squirts it onto the vegetables.]''
:'''Jonesy''': Beat the old dead horse...there you go, mate.

:''[He hands the bottle to Rory. Rory smiles as he squirts sauce on his vegetables.]''
:'''Jonesy (to Alex)''': What?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joss''': Did he just skip?
:'''Matt''': Or his pacemaker did.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Old man goes into the old lady's house.]''
:'''Matt''': Let's get him...
:'''Joss (stops him)''': Nah, nah, nah. Hang on...it's not like he's gonna take all day.

:''[Joss and Matt laugh. Scene cuts to them waiting bored under an umbrella.]''
:'''Joss''': Well, he's got staying power, doesn't he?

:''[Matt looks at Joss.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Matt''': Oh, drop the act.
:'''Old man (singing)''': Take me baaaack...
:'''Matt''': And no more singing!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Old man's son''': Didn't you say she had acute angina?

:''[Alex, Joss and Matt look at each other.]''
:'''Old man''': That's not what I said!

:''[Old man winks at the guys, who smile at each other.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Alex runs up as Rory is being wheeled into surgery.]''
:'''Alex''': Hey! Wait!
:'''Rory''': Dad!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': Detective...there's something I need to talk to you about...

====''What's Love Got To Do With It'' [13.04]====

:'''Kelly''': Rusty's arrived...Why's he here?
:'''Amy''': While the cat's away...
:'''Kelly''': Where ''is'' Garfield?

:''[Amy gives a confused look.]''
:'''Kelly''': Oh, the Boss.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kelly''': I'm the rostered tea girl.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Falcon-Price is on a fishing trip of his own, looking to drive a big wedge in the Boss' command.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Where were you between 3 and 6 this morning, Mr. Rhodes?
:'''Wayne''': Where do you think?! I was in bloody bed asleep!
:'''Amy''': Alone?
:'''Wayne''': Why...you interested?
:'''Jonesy''': You got a big mouth, Rhodes.
:'''Wayne''': Yeah, that's not all. ''Wayne looks at Amy'' You still interested?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wayne''': I never met this chick before!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wayne''': Wow! Amazing!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Falcon-Price''': I'm not Tom Croydon! In my book, families come first.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Can I have a word, Inspector?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': I will find the proof I need, sir. He won't be walking the streets much longer.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': This is going to be ''such'' a pleasure.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Falcon-Price''': If one word of this gets out, you'll be on a charge and you can look forward to a fitting for a uniform!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Bastard wants to take me on, fine!
:'''Jonesy (laughs)''': You're gonna go head to head with Falcon-Price?
:'''Amy''': You don't think I could?
:'''Jonesy''': It's not really a fair fight.
:'''Amy''': If he gets hurt, he gets hurt.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Falcon-Price''': Don't stuff up my case!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kelly is searching Tom's office.]''
:'''Falcon-Price''': Something I can help you with?
:'''Kelly''': Sir...Ah, sorry. I just wanted to look for the contractors so I can, you know, fix that phone for you.
:'''Falcon-Price''': I think you'll find that the phone company does that.
:'''Kelly''': Yeah, course...Another cup of tea?
:'''Falcon-Price''': No.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wayne''': PROVE IT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': I want you to tell me ''exactly'' what happened.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kelly''': There's nothing minor about cancer.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kelly''': You never know with cancer, do you?
:'''Falcon-Price (surprised)''': No...you don't.

====''Affluenza'' [13.05]====

:'''Joss''': Have a safe day, Ma'am!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Ouch!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Maybe Alex can help you with this one.
:'''Jonesy''': Well, what about you?
:'''Amy''': Sorry, I got an appointment.
:'''Jonesy''': So you get to have a life while the rest of us just work?
:'''Amy''': Yeah I know, unfair, huh? *smirks* See ya!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joss''': Do I get a receipt or...?
:'''Ted''': Ticket, mate. We call them tickets.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joss (while watching the race)''': Go Blue Streak! Go Blue Streak! Go Blue Streak! C'mon! Oh, no, no, what are you doing you stupid bloody animal! C'mon RUN!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy (on the phone)''': No, I've been babysitting...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': You've had surgery. You're in pain and you need to recover, which means letting other people help you. With as much grace as you can possibly muster.
:'''Tom''': Finished?
:'''Amy''': Yes, I have.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Marchand''': Oh, this is considerate of you.
:'''Jonesy''': Excuse me?
:'''Mr. Marchand (about Amy)''': Bringing a pretty one with you.
:'''Amy''': I'd like to know your movements, Mr. Marchand.
:'''Mr. Marchand''': Bowel or bladder?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy (sighing)''': Oh, Joss.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': The gun, Mr. Marchand.
:'''Mr. Marchand''': Oh, no, mine's much bigger than that!
:'''Amy (extrememly frustrated)''': Listen to me you pathetic little man, I strongly suggest you stop the sad jokes and start taking this seriously.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joss''': Just excuse me for one sec; I'm just gonna go kill myself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joss''': Just supposing a copper put some money on a race, and it turned out it was fixed...he'd be in the poo, wouldn't he?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alex (to Matt)''': I don't know whether to commend you for your bravery, or kick you up the arse for being so stupid!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': Chris? What are you doing here?
:'''Chris''': Visiting an old friend.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': Amy told you?
:'''Chris''': Actually, the paperboy told me; Amy merely confirmed it.

====''Going Down Swinging'' [13.06]====

:'''Tom''': I'll be in very good hands; I'm taking Acting Sergeant Kirby.
:'''Alex''': What?
:'''Tom''': I'll even let you drive!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': Looks like old and smart beats young and fit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Bon Vi Vont? That's a bit classy for you, isn't it?
:'''Joss''': That's right, because I'm a very classy person.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Don't tell me you were outrun by a 19-year-old with a bad hangover?!
:'''Jonesy''': He had a headstart!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonesy''': Do something!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Searching near a dumpster.]''
:'''Joss''': C'mon, in you go...
:'''Kelly''': No ''you'' go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Matt has just found the knife under the dumpster.]''
:'''Amy''': Good work, Matt. Shoot it and bag it.
:'''Matt (to Kelly and Joss)''': It was down there.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joss''': Hope I get more of a reaction out of the Boss if I ever get stabbed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kelly''': So this Tilda...

:''[Awkward silence.]''
:'''Joss''': Oh, sorry, I thought there was going to be more to the question...Yes?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kelly''': She's a bit...
:'''Joss''': What?
:'''Kelly''': ...Outta your league.
:'''Joss (scoffs)''': How's that?
:'''Kelly''': She's pretty classy.
:'''Joss''': What, and I'm not?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tilda''': My Z3 got broken into!
:'''Kelly''': That's a car, right?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jonesy is pacing back and forth.]''
:'''Amy''': I'd kill for a coffee...
:'''Jonesy''': Can we not talk about any sort of liquid?
:'''Amy (laughs)''': Just go behind a tree! Isn't that one of the main perks of being a man?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Matt''': Let's not do the running thing again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alex''': I could have ended up in the morgue. Then who would have looked after my kid?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonesy (about Alex)''': He's still sedated. He doesn't know what he's saying.
:'''Tom''': He knows exactly what he's saying. And I agree with him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alex''': I've said everything in my statement.
:'''Jonesy''': Humour me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Amy walks in on Tom having a drink.]''
:'''Amy''': Is that such a good idea?
:'''Tom''': Fifteen year old scotch is always a good idea.
:'''Amy''': Maybe not after a prostate operation.

:''[Tom pushes scotch over his desk towards Amy.]''
:'''Amy''': What are we drinking to?
:'''Tom''': No more talk about cancer, operations or anything to do with my health. Deal?
:'''Amy''': Deal.

====''Burning Up'' [13.07]====

====''Down To Earth'' [13.08]====

:'''Kelly''': It's okay Joss. It's not going to explode.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kelly''': I needed you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rory''': She likes me, she thinks I'm okay.
:'''Alex''': You think she's okay too, don't you? Suuuuusie!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alex''': You do realise he's got a bit of a crush on you?
:'''Susie''': Yeah, I did pick it.
:'''Alex''': I mean, I know it's harmless but anything you can do to let him down gently?
:'''Susie''': Oh I don't think I'll have to that will I? He'll soon spot some grade five cutie that he fancies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Matt''': Looks like you got yourself a bunch of junior deputies!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Up, up and away!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': What's going on there?
:'''Kelly''': Huh?
:'''Amy''': Bit of chemistry?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alex''': You haven't made a move on her, have you?
:'''Joss''': Argh! Please!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kelly''': You're an idiot, Peroni!
:'''Joss''': Thanks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kelly (to Joss)''': You alright, grandpa? You want me to get the walking frame?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joss (crying)''': My life is stuffed. I've been beaten to a pulp by my...some heavy guys I owe ten grand to and I can't given them bloody ten grand 'cause I'm so broke I can't even pay the bloody rent and now I don't even have a bloody place to live!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris''': Something stronger?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kelly''': You have no idea what he just asked me to do.
:'''Chris''': Men, all they think about is sex.
:'''Kelly''': If only that was all.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rory''': I'm a deputy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonesy''': Sounds like the comic book guy from ''The Simpsons''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alex (to Rory)''': I can't remember how many times I've had my heart broken. It should all be in squidgy bits!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rory''': I did make up the man. She must watch ''The Simpsons''...how cool's that!

====''Moonlighting'' [13.09]====

:'''Kelly''': Chris, please explain to David why I could never have a relationship with Joss.
:'''Chris''': Because she's not clinically insane.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kelly''': You blink, you breathe, I shoot you.
:'''Pilgrim''': Can someone please call this crazy bitch off me?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Thieves just hate payin' for stuff. That's why they become thieves.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Matt''': Oh, by the way, the going rate for a Saturday night off is now north of $30.
:'''Kelly (to David)''': He's joking.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Matt (to David about Kelly)''': She has quite a temper on her, this one. Today, she came this close to blowing a man's head off.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Man with drugs''': I'll have your badge!
:'''Kelly (to Matt)''': Aw...he thinks he's in New York!

====''One Day More, Part 1'' [13.10]====

:'''Gina''': First there's the thirst, then the munchies, then the nausea. It's a bit like opium.
:'''Tom''': I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
:'''Gina''': You didn't see this either.

:''[Gina kicks vending machine and a can of coke comes out.]''
:'''Tom''': I could arrest you for that.

:''[Gina offers Tom the drink, and he takes it.]''
:'''Gina''': Now you'd have to arrest yourself for accessory.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Tom is talking about the defaced statue of General Thomas.]''
:'''Tom''': I never really did like that statue.

====''One Day More, Part 2'' [13.11]====

:'''Jonesy''': I'm sorry if I've had anything to do with that.
:'''Susie''': Don't flatter yourself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lily''': So who owns the house this week?
:'''Matt''': You do.
:'''Lily''': And the car?
:'''Matt''': You do.
:'''Lily''': And the million dollars?
:'''Matt''': You do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Susie''': That is the neatest graffiti I have ever seen! Who writes like that?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': ''[to Adam]'' You couldn't even walk away from Mt. Thomas, what makes you think you can walk away from this?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Adam''': ''[to Tom]''You could of just believed me. Although listening to other people's opinions was never really your strong suit was it, boss?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris''': ''[to Falcon-Price]'' You cause any strife in here and you're barred!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': You seriously expect me to come back to work for you?
:'''Falcon-Price''': Unless you'd like to make my day.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kelly and Joss race for the car keys. Kelly finds them first.]''
:'''Kelly''': Ha, ha, ha!
:'''Joss''': Give us the keys.
:'''Kelly''': No way, you haven't let me drive for ages!
:'''Joss''': That's because I'm concerned for your safety.
:'''Kelly''': Well, suffer!
:''[Kelly and Joss race out of the station.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': ''[to Adam]'' I was your boss and I failed you.

== Cast ==
[[w:John Wood|John Wood]] - Tom Croydon
[[w:Julie Nihill|Julie Nihill]] - Chris Riley
[[w:Martin Sacks|Martin Sacks]] - P.J. Hasham
[[w:William McInnes|William McInnes]] - Nick Schultz
[[w:Lisa McCune|Lisa McCune]] - Maggie Doyle
[[w:Ann Burbrook|Ann Burbrook]] - Roz Patterson
[[w:Grant Bowler|Grant Bowler]] - Wayne Patterson
[[w:Damian Walshe-Howling|Damian Walshe-Howling]] - Adam Cooper
[[w:Tasma Walton|Tasma Walton]] - Dash McKinley
[[w:Paul Bishop|Paul Bishop]] - Ben Stewart
[[w:Rupert Reid|Rupert Reid]] - Jack Lawson
[[w:Jane Allsop|Jane Allsop]] - Jo Parrish
[[w:Caroline Craig|Caroline Craig]] - Tess Gallagher
[[w:Ditch Davey|Ditch Davey]] - Evan &quot;Jonesy&quot; Jones
[[w:Simone McAullay|Simone McAullay]] - Susie Raynor
[[w:Geoff Morrell (actor)|Geoff Morrell]] - Mark Jacobs
[[w:Rachel Gordon|Rachel Gordon]] - Amy Fox
[[w:Samantha Tolj|Samantha Tolj]] - Kelly O'Rourke
[[w:Danny Raco|Danny Raco]] - Joss Peroni
[[w:Charlie Clausen|Charlie Clausen]] - Alex Kirby
[[w:Matt Holmes|Matt Holmes]] - Matt Graham

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0108709|title=Blue Heelers}}

[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Crime TV shows]]
[[Category:Seven Network shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Australian TV shows]]
[[Category:Drama TV shows]]
[[Category:CBS shows]]</text>
      <sha1>3tyd8ggq0wi0vh62s81gm55u2iebvyv</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>21 Jump Street</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>17864</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147843</id>
      <parentid>2988007</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T22:14:22Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* External links */ r/m Template:Tv.com show</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="15250" xml:space="preserve">{{DISPLAYTITLE:''21 Jump Street''}}
'''''[[w:21 Jump Street|21 Jump Street]]''''' (1987–1991) is an American police drama about undercover cops specializing in youth crime. It was created by Stephen J. Cannell and Patrick Hasburgh.

==Season 1==
===Pilot [1.01 &amp; 1.02]===

'''Off. Tom Hanson:''' This is Jump Street Chapel, right?&lt;br&gt;
'''Off. Doug Penhall:''' Only if you're Catholic. Ioki here thinks this is a Buddhist temple. Me? I think it's a synagogue. You know, my mom's Jewish, which only means I get to celebrate both guilt and hell.&lt;br&gt;
'''Off. Harry Truman Ioki:''' Yeah, you see, his father used to be a priest, so don't play bingo with this guy. He's a killer.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

'''Penhall:''' You gotta turbocharge the hair or something, Hanson. You look like [[w:Richie Cunningham|Richie Cunningham]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

'''Cpt. Richard Jenko:''' Breakfast?&lt;br&gt;
'''Hanson:''' No, thanks. I'll grab an omelette later.&lt;br&gt;
'''Cpt. Jenko:''' Uh-uh. No, you won't. When was the last time you saw a teenager have a cup of black coffee and an omelet for breakfast? Uh-uh. From now on, it's potato chips, soda pop, French fries and pizza, man. It's the [[w:Pepsi Generation|Pepsi Generation]], sport! ''[throws Hanson a bag of chips]''&lt;br&gt;
'''Hanson:''' ''[catching the chips]'' Don't call me &quot;sport,&quot; okay?&lt;br&gt;
'''Cpt. Jenko:''' Hey, pard, I'm your boss. I'll call you anything I want. Have a seat, ''sport.''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

'''Cpt. Jenko:''' Now we're about four weeks ahead of you here, Hanson. So I'm going to have to rush you through some of the training.&lt;br&gt;
'''Hanson:''' What kind of training? &lt;br&gt;
'''Cpt. Jenko:''' ''Hoffs!'' Gonna teach you how to be a teenager again, sport. How does that grab you? I'm talking about the bad kind. The kind that gets into trouble. The kind you're going to have to be like so's they think you're one of them. Dig. ''Hey, Hoffs! Wake up!''&lt;br&gt;
''[an attractive African-American woman enters the room]''&lt;br&gt;
'''Off. Judy Hoffs:''' Relax, relax, I'm up. &lt;br&gt;
'''Cpt. Jenko:''' Hoffs, Hanson. Hanson, Hoffs. &lt;br&gt;
'''Hanson:''' (slow, nervous smile spreading across his face) Hi.&lt;br&gt;
''[Hoffs smiles flirtatiously but says nothing]''&lt;br&gt;
'''Cpt. Jenko:''' Jude, run this cat down to wardrobe and see if we can take some of the cop out of his presentation. And for God's sake, do something about the [[w:John F. Kennedy|Jack Kennedy]] haircut too, will ya?&lt;br&gt;
''[Again, Hoffs smiles but says nothing]''&lt;br&gt;
'''Cpt. Jenko:''' Go with what Officer Hoffs tells you, Hanson. Been real, bro! Stick with Hoffs here and hook us up with a little field training tonight. ''[He gives Hanson an [[w:dap greeting|elaborate handshake]] which ends with Cpt. Jenko running his hand through his hair while Hanson's hand is still stuck out]'' Later! &lt;br&gt;
''[Cpt. Jenko leaves the room, whistling]''&lt;br&gt;
'''Hanson:''' (to Hoffs) Are you kidding me? &lt;br&gt;
'''Hoffs:''' Oh, so Jenk's a little bit of a hang-on hippie. Big deal! 'Cause when it comes to going undercover, the dude is the best. ''[sticking out hand]'' I'm Judy Hoffs.&lt;br&gt;
''[Hanson tries to imitate the same handshake Cpt. Jenko just did]''&lt;br&gt;
'''Hoffs:''' Uh, that's okay, honey. My people don't do that anymore. ''[gives regular handshake while patting Hanson's hand condescendingly]''&lt;br&gt;
'''Hanson:''' Oh. ''[holds out bag of chips]'' Chip?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

''[Hanson is arresting a man for selling him marijuana and putting a gun to his head, despite having been specifically told not to make a bust. He is reading the man his rights when a van pulls up]''&lt;br&gt;
'''Cpt. Jenko:''' Terrific! ''Terrific!'' What the hell are you doing, Hanson?!&lt;br&gt;
'''Hanson:''' Making an arrest! Suspect threatened to kill me. ''[pulls out filled Ziplock bag]'' But not until I made the purchase. Open and shut. Solicit of sale and we made the exchange. ''[to the man on the ground]'' Didn't we, Jase? ''Didn't we, Jase?!&lt;br&gt; 
'''Cpt. Jenko:''' Hey, save it. Save it, man. What the hell are you going to charge him with? Illegal sale of a pair of smelly socks? &lt;br&gt;
'''Hanson:''' What are you talking about?&lt;br&gt;
'''Cpt. Jenko:''' What's this? ''[pulls out a pair of socks from the Ziplock bag]'' What's this?! Panama brown? Huh? Hey, why don't you save 'em, pal? I like to wear the ones with the little turtles on the ankle pockets. &lt;br&gt;
''[hurls the socks into Hanson's chest as police show up, complete with sirens and cars]''&lt;br&gt;
'''Cpt. Jenko:''' ''He was burning you, pal!'' Huh?! Good work, Hanson! Good work, Hanson! Good work, man, good licks!  You just used up a punk we've been watching for six months on an [[w:Assault with a deadly weapon|ADW]], which will be knocked down to brandishing by noon tomorrow! Even a boot like you should know that. ''[to a uniformed officer]'' Take him in, Artie.&lt;br&gt;
'''Hanson:''' Captain Jenko, look, I'm sorry. I-&lt;br&gt;
'''Cpt. Jenko:''' Hey, man, save it. And don't call me &quot;Captain!&quot;&lt;br&gt;
'''Hanson:''' Look, I was just trying to do my job here!&lt;br&gt;
'''Cpt. Jenko:''' Trying to what? Trying to cowboy the deal is what! Make a big collar, be a real cop. Now, with you being a real cop, I gotta pull Penhall out. Because every punk that's been hanging with Jase'll be able to make him easier than [[w:Elton John|Elton John]] in a hat shop!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

''[Penhall and Ioki are attempting to fix Hoffs' car, a beat-up lime green Roadster]''&lt;br&gt;
'''Penhall:'''Okay, try that now.&lt;br&gt;
''[Hoffs attemps to start the car]'' Nothing!&lt;br&gt;
'''Hanson:''' ''(smirking)'' That's a nice car you got there, Doug.&lt;br&gt;
'''Penhall:''' It's not mine. It's Hoffs'. &lt;br&gt;
'''Hanson:''' ''[to Hoffs, gobsmacked]'' Really? &lt;br&gt;
'''Hoffs:''' Mmm-hmm. &lt;br&gt;
'''Hanson:''' Really?&lt;br&gt; 
'''Penhall:''' Yup. Try it again. &lt;br&gt;
''[car grinds without starting]''&lt;br&gt;
'''Hanson:''' This is your car?&lt;br&gt;
'''Hoffs:''' What's left of it, yeah. &lt;br&gt;
'''Hanson''': ''Really?''&lt;br&gt; 
'''Hoffs:''' Yeah, really! ''(in a stereotypical [[w:African American Vernacular English|jive]] accent)'' See, they were just all out of those purple Caddys - you know, with the mud flaps, and the fur around the mirror, knowwhatimsayin'? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

'''Ioki:''' I learned how to speak English by watching Dragnet in reruns, and I used to think a stakeout was what you did to get a sirloin to go. Now don't ask me what I thought &quot;assume the position&quot; meant.

===The Worst Night of Your Life [1.06]===

'''Hanson:''' Another slamerino for the Kingpins!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
''[The officers are going undercover at a high school prom. Cpt. Jenko is observing the suits on Ioki, Penhall and Hanson]''&lt;br&gt;
'''Cpt. Jenko:''' Well, well, well. Farrrrrr out. Looks like we got a Japanese Elvis Presley, a pimp, and the butler.&lt;br&gt;
'''Hanson:''' With the budget we got, you're lucky we could afford to rent the pants. &lt;br&gt;
'''Cpt. Jenko:''' Maybe you should go without the pants. Tell 'em you're a poor butler. ''[stands up, shouting]'' Judith Esther! If you don't get that dress on soon girl, I'm gonna come up there and staple it on! ''[back to the men]'' I got the fire department on standby. But the key word here, ''amigos,'' is prevention. So if and when you spot Miss Wacko, whoever, just waltz her right out of the place. Dig? &lt;br&gt;
'''Ioki:''' Well, that oughta be easy. I mean, we don't even know who we're looking for.&lt;br&gt;
'''Cpt. Jenko:''' Well, leave it to your buddy there, [[w:Iceberg Slim|Iceberg Slim]]. I understand he's got great instincts when it comes to the ladies. Right, Mr. Penhall?&lt;br&gt;
''[Penhall gives a self-deprecating smile]''&lt;br&gt;
'''Cpt. Jenko:''' Hoffs will be your date, Harry. Lucky Miss Kenny gets the butler, and Casanova, you ''know'' who you're with. &lt;br&gt;
'''Penhall:''' The one with the great personality. ''[to Ioki]'' Trade you for Hoffs.&lt;br&gt;
'''Cpt. Jenko:''' Bud, I don't know if I'd trust you fucking my great-grandmother. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

'''Hoffs:''' You know, I didn't think it was possible, but this prom was even worse than the one with Charles Tyrone Cannon throwing up in the back seat of his father's Cadillac.

===Blindsided[1.9]===

'''Hanson:'''I didn't just ask her; I broke that girl down in the produce section!

'''Hanson and Penhall:''' WE'RE THE MCQUAID BROTHERS HAH! 

===Mean Streets and Pastel Houses [1.13]===
'''Penhall:''' Studs and leather, here I come. KKK - awesome band.&lt;br&gt;
'''Hanson:''' Band?&lt;br&gt;
'''Penhall:''' KKK - Klean Kut Kids. It's a band. It's a gang. It's a floor wax. You gotta keep up with the popular culture, Hanson.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
'''Hanson:''' I see I'm going to have to put this into terms you can understand. That's my stepbrother Douglas. He's kinda lame, but it's not his fault. You kick his tail - he tells my stepdad - my stepdad kicks my tail. Then I'm going to have to come back here and kick your tail. So, why don't you leave him out of this and I'll just kick your tail right now?

==Season 2==
===Besieged [2.02]===

'''Penhall:''' Lookit...last night...&lt;br&gt;
'''Hoffs:''' Yeah, last night.&lt;br&gt;
'''Penhall:''' I just wanted you to know that I didn't plan for any of that to happen. I just came over to drink those beers. &lt;br&gt;
'''Hoffs:''' Come on, Penhall! Mr. White Knight arrives to console me. Next thing you know I'm in his arms, and then I...(long pause) Look, I feel like I've been taken advantage of here, Doug.&lt;br&gt;
'''Penhall:''' Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute! ''I'm'' the one who came over to be consoled. ''I'm'' the one whose friend is driving around with a murderer. ''I'm'' the one who everybody thinks is crazy. I thought maybe you were a sympathetic ear. &lt;br&gt;
'''Hoffs:''' Oh, so you're trying to tell me you didn't plan on getting me in the sack when you came over last night. &lt;br&gt;
'''Penhall:''' No. &lt;br&gt;
'''Hoffs:''' Then why did you have those ''things'' with you?&lt;br&gt;
'''Penhall:''' &quot;Things&quot; with me? &lt;br&gt;
'''Hoffs:''' You had condoms in your wallet, Doug. &lt;br&gt;
'''Penhall:''' I always have condoms in my wallet. &lt;br&gt;
'''Hoffs:''' Yeah? &lt;br&gt;
'''Penhall:''' Yeah. Like...when you go for a drive. You bring a spare with you in case you get a flat. &lt;br&gt;
'''Hoffs:''' That's just great! Judy Hoffs, road hazard!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

===Orpheus 3.3 [2.16] ===
'''Hoffs:''' How many times have you seen this?&lt;br&gt;
'''Hanson:''' 122 times, but I don't watch the whole tape. I watch 3.3 seconds. 3.3 seconds that slipped through my fingers. 3.3 seconds where I could've done a thousand different things, but I didn't move. Do you know how many things you can do in 3.3 seconds? You can take off your shoes, pop a beer and shoot someone in 3.3 seconds.&lt;br&gt;
'''Hoffs:''' Come on, Hanson.&lt;br&gt;
'''Hanson:''' You can hold your finger down on the remote control and pass 17 stations in 3.3 seconds. You can open a can of tuna fish, shuffle and bridge a deck of cards, or twist the tops off six bottles of ginger ale in 3.3 seconds.&lt;br&gt;
'''Hoffs:''' Hanson, please!&lt;br&gt;
'''Hanson:''' You can ring a doorbell 22 times, lock and unlock a deadbolt four times, or sing the entire alphabet in 3.3 seconds.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

===Best Years of Your Life [2.20]===

'''Off. Doug Penhall:''' This guy is the worst burglar I've ever seen. He's drunk.&lt;br&gt;
'''Off. Tom Hanson:''' Hammered.&lt;br&gt;
'''Off. Doug Penhall:''' Pickled.&lt;br&gt;
'''Off. Tom Hanson:''' To the gills.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

==Season 4==
===Old Haunts in the New Age[4.6]===

'''Off. Penhall:''' They're gonna have fireworks, free hot dogs. Even Sprinkles the clown!&lt;br&gt;
'''Off. Hanson:''' Sprinkles? Really?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

===Stand by your man [4.8] ===

'''Penhall:''' Did I ever tell you about Cindy Miller? [Talking to Hanson in a bar]

'''Hanson:''' Probably... (Drink his beer)

'''Penhall:''' Cindy Miller, I took her to the Senior Dance and we had a great time and you know and afterwards, I took her up to Chest View Drive kind of like an inspiration point you know so we could uh... (trying to say the words)

'''Hanson:''' Look at the big dipper!

'''Penhall:''' (thinks)... Yeah you know to make out (Little pause) So we're making out and uh I go to grab her (trying to say the word)

'''Hanson:''' Corsage...

'''Penhall:''' (Doug makes a sign with his head to approve the choice of the word) and she says no so, I stopped and you know we're talking for a little while and she leans over me and she says , she starts kissing me and she says &quot;What's the matter? What's the matter? What's wrong? What's wrong?&quot; so ,I figured she changed her mind and you know we start making out again ... and I go to grab her... (trying to say the word)

'''Hanson:''' Her other corsage!

'''Penhall:''' (Makes a sign with his hand) And she says no again! So this goes on for like an hour, yes, no, yes, no, what am I a light switch? So I figured she didn't know what the hell she want and I took her home (take a shot from his drink)

'''Hanson:''' Thank you Doug for that (coughs) very inspiring story...

'''Penhall:''' (looks at Hanson) Well the wind up is, I go to school the next day, and she told everybody I was like this major homo cause I took no for an answer... Do you believe that? ( Hanson shake his head by meaning no)

'''Penhall:''' Did you ever have a Cindy Miller? (Drinks his drink)
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

===Wheels &amp; Deals [4.10 &amp; 4.11]===

'''Det. Hoffs:''' Excuse me, Capt - (She sees Off. Hanson is at Capt. Fuller's desk with his feet up, eating grapes)&lt;br&gt;
'''Hanson:''' : Can I help you, Detective?&lt;br&gt;
'''Hoffs:''' Where's Fuller?&lt;br&gt;
'''Hanson:''' Bad clams. He left me in charge.&lt;br&gt;
'''Hoffs:''' Yes, but ''I'm'' the senior officer next to the captain.&lt;br&gt;
'''Hanson:''' (smirking): You're a ''girl.''&lt;br&gt;
'''Hoffs:''' Hanson, if you don't tell me what's going on here (picks up letter opener), you, too, will be a girl.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

'''Hanson:''' (picking up Capt. Fuller's ringing telephone): Fuller's Pleasure Palace.&lt;br&gt;
'''Capt. Fuller:''' HANSON?&lt;br&gt;
'''Hanson:''' Captain! A little humor.&lt;br&gt;
'''Capt. Fuller:''' ''Very'' little.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;


== Cast ==
[[Johnny Depp]] - Officer Tom Hanson (seasons one through four)&lt;br&gt;
[[w:Holly Robinson Peete|Holly Robinson]] - Detective Judy Hoffs&lt;br&gt;
[[w:Peter DeLuise|Peter DeLuise]] - Officer Doug Penhall&lt;br&gt;
[[Dustin Nguyen]] - Officer Harry Truman Ioki (seasons one through four)&lt;br&gt;
[[w:Steven Williams|Steven Williams]] - Captain Adam Fuller&lt;br&gt;

=== Also starring ===

[[w:Frederic Forrest|Frederic Forrest]] - Captain Richard Jenko (season one)&lt;br&gt;
[[w:Richard Grieco|Richard Grieco]] - Officer Dennis Booker (seasons three &amp; four)&lt;br&gt;
[[w:Sal Jenco|Sal Jenco]] - Sal &quot;Blowfish&quot; Banducci (seasons one through four)&lt;br&gt;
[[w:Michael DeLuise|Michael DeLuise]] - Officer Joey Penhall (season five)&lt;br&gt;
[[w:Michael Bendetti|Michael Bendetti]] - Officer Anthony McCain (season five)

==External links==
{{wikipedia|21 Jump Street}}
* {{imdb title|id=0092312|title=21 Jump Street}}

[[Category:1980s American crime drama TV shows]]
[[Category:1990s American crime drama TV shows]]
[[Category:1980s American high school TV shows]]
[[Category:1990s American high school TV shows]]
[[Category:1980s American police procedural TV shows]]
[[Category:1990s American police procedural TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:FOX shows]]
[[Category:Detective TV shows]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Gundam Seed</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>18096</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3148039</id>
      <parentid>2991280</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T08:53:44Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2400:AC40:610:37B2:F483:C47D:2C53:125D</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* FINAL PLUS: &quot;The Chosen Future&quot; */Fix It Cool Ninja Returned</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="116171" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:Gundam Seed|Gundam Seed]]''''' is a &quot;alternate universe&quot; storyline in the Gundam metaseries. It has been noted for extremely sharp-looking mechanical designs, numerous character monologues which keep the series true to the &quot;unglamourous war&quot; message of the first series, and its rising popularity. It is also the first &quot;alternate universe&quot; storyline in the Gundam franchise to spawn a true sequel, Gundam Seed Destiny.

__TOC__

== Gundam SEED ==
=== ''PHASE-01 &quot;False Peace&quot;'' ===

:'''Narrator''': Year 70 of the Cosmic Era. Tensions between the PLANTs and Earth were at an all time high since the conflict began. It was first assumed that the Earth forces, with their superior numbers would be victorius, but these initial assessments proved to be false.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

:'''[[w:Miriallia Haw|Miriallia Haw]]''': Kaohsiung isn't that far away, is it? Will the homeland be all right?
:'''[[w:Tolle Koenig|Tolle Koenig]]''': Sure. There's no need to worry. Although they're close, we're a neutral entity. It's unthinkable for Orb to become a battlefield.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

:''[Flashback]
:'''[[w:Athrun Zala|Athrun Zala]]''': The PLANTs and Earth WILL see eye to eye. You'll join me in the PLANTs too, right Kira?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

:'''[[w:Mu La Flaga|Mu La Flaga]]''': What's the status on ZAFT vessels in the vicinity? 
:'''Captain''': We traced two vessels, but don't worry. They can't do a thing once we're docked.
:'''Mu La Flaga''': Because it's a neutral nation? What a joke.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

:'''[[w:Rau Le Creuset|Rau Le Creuset]]''': Don't look so disappointed, Ades.
:'''Captain Ades''': Well, I guess it won't be too late if we wait 'til we hear back from the council.
:'''Rau Le Creuset''': It ''will'' be too late. I have a sixth sense about these things. If we let things slip now, we would eventually have to pay for those actions with our lives. The Earth Forces' new model mobile weapons... we must seize them before they're moved from there.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

:'''Tolle Koenig''': Sai wrote her a letter? To Flay Allster? Looks like you got some competition, Kira Yamato.
:'''[[w:Kira Yamato|Kira Yamato]]''': But I'm not really...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

:'''[[w:Natarle Badgiruel|Natarle Badgiruel]]''': This place is so peaceful... Just think, there are people their age already fighting on the front line.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

:'''[[w:Yzak Joule|Yzak Joule]]''': That's it. It's just like Commander Le Creuset said.
:'''[[w:Dearka Elsman|Dearka Elsman]]''': What? With the right amount of prodding, they're sure to come out of their hole?
:'''Yzak Joule''': After all, the Naturals are stupid and pathetic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': You're... a girl?
:'''[[w:Cagalli Yula Athha|Cagalli Yula Athha]]''': What did you think I was?! Let's hear it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': I knew it. The Earth Forces' new mobile weapons. Father, I knew you'd betray us all!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-02 &quot;Its Name: Gundam&quot;'' ===
:''[Kira falls face first into Murrue's chest as she struggled to pilot a Gundam.]''
:'''[[w:Murrue Ramius|Murrue Ramius]]''': Get out of my way! Do you want to die?
:'''Kira Yamato''': I'm sorry!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Miguel Aiman|Miguel Aiman]]''': It doesn't matter how good your armor is... if you can barely move!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Miguel Aiman''': Trying to pilot that mobile suit? You're in way over your head, Natural!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Miguel Aiman''': Damn piece of Earth trash!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': It seems we have an unforseen problem; a rather annoying fly buzzing around.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': Tell me, do you feel my presence? Do you sense it the same way that I sense yours? A rather unfortunate twist of fate, wouldn't you say... Mu La Flaga?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Murrue Ramius''': You kids don't understand anything! By declaring that you're neutral and have nothing to do with this, you can still distance yourselves from what's happening? You don't really believe that, do you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mu La Flaga''': Bastard! Is that you, Rau Le Creuset?
:'''Rau Le Creuset''': You always seem to get in my way, Mu La Flaga! Though I imagine you would probably say the same about me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': Mu, I'd actually be pleased if you'd vanish right about ''now!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Arnold Neumann''': Launch the ship? That's impossible with the number of people we have!
:'''Natarle Badgiruel''': If you have time to argue, spend it on finding a way to do it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-03 &quot;Collapsing Land&quot;'' ===

:'''Kuzzey Buskirk''': I'm impressed that he can sleep in this situation.  
:'''Miriallia Haw''': He's tired. It was really tough for Kira, you know. 
:'''Kuzzey Buskirk''': It was tough? Well, I guess that's true, but... 
:'''[[w:Sai Argyle|Sai Argyle]]''': What are you getting at, Kuzzey?
:'''Kuzzey Buskirk''': Nothing. Just that in Kira's case we can only say &quot;it was tough for him,&quot; and that's it. Kira said he rewrote the OS for that thing, right? When did he do that? 
:'''Sai Argyle''': What do you mean? 
:'''Kuzzey Buskirk''': I can't imagine Kira had any previous knowledge of that thing. So, when did he rewrite the OS? I figured all along that Kira had to be a Coordinator. To think that Coordinators, born genetically-enhanced, do these amazing things, but to them it's nothing more than &quot;tough.&quot; The guys in ZAFT are all like that. Do the Earth Forces have any chance fighting against these guys?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mu La Flaga''': It seems he has no intention of waiting until we head out there. That bastard.
:'''Natarle Badgiruel''': Do they intend to hit us again within the colony?
:'''Mu La Flaga''': Easy for them! We can't fire, but they can fire as they wish.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': What you say may be correct, that there is a war going on outside our world. But we don't agree with it! We dislike war! And that is why we chose to be here in neutral territory! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Miguel Aiman''': Athrun! Show us that same spirit that made you defy orders!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-04 &quot;Silent Run&quot;'' ===

:''[Looking at the wreckage of the destroyed colony.]''
:'''Mu La Flaga''': Amazing how simple... and fragile it was.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Captain Ades''': The council won't look lightly on a neutral nation's colony being destroyed. 
:'''Rau Le Creuset''': How can you call a colony that's manufacturing new weapons for the Earth Forces &quot;neutral&quot;? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mu La Flaga''': From this point on, we'll have to rely on luck.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mu La Flaga''': Kira Yamato.
:'''Kira Yamato''': Yes?
:'''Mu La Flaga''': Mr. Murdoch is pretty upset, you know? We don't have enough people. So, you maintain your machine, okay? 
:'''Kira Yamato''': My machine? Wait! What do you mean &quot;my machine&quot;?
:'''Mu La Flaga''': Well, let's just say that's what's been decided. The fact is, you're the only one capable of piloting that thing. It can't be helped.
:'''Kira Yamato''': Sure, I rode the thing twice, only because I had no choice! But I'm not a soldier or anything!
:'''Mu La Flaga''': So, when the fighting starts again, you refuse to use it? Are those going to be your last words, huh?
:''[Kira is quiet.]''
:'''Mu La Flaga''': At that moment, you and I are the only ones who can protect this ship.
:'''Kira Yamato''': But I don't think it's...!
:'''Mu La Flaga''': Kira, you have the power to make a difference, don't you? Then why not put it to use. We have precious little time, including time to think it over.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Sai Argyle''': Kira is a Coordinator. But he isn't with ZAFT.
:'''Miriallia Haw''': He's one of us. A treasured friend.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': I may be able to operate the mobile suit... but that doesn't mean I know how to fight a battle!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': Irony abounds in warfare.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Athrun Zala''': Kira... fails to see he's being manipulated by the Naturals! Brilliant as he is, he is also naive and good-natured. They're exploiting him, but he's blind to it. That's why I have to go back! I have to reason with him! Kira is still a fellow Coordinator! I'm positive that he'll come around to our way of thinking.
:'''Rau Le Creuset''': I know how you feel. However, what if he won't listen to you?
:'''Athrun Zala''': If that should happen... I'll shoot him down myself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': It's not that I want to fight... but I do want to protect this ship. Because of the people on board. 
:'''Mu La Flaga''': It's the same for us all. You won't find too many people who wish to fight for no reason at all. We fight because unless we fight, we cannot protect. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mu La Flaga''': In any case, think only about protecting this ship and yourself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mu La Flaga''': Mu La Flaga, taking off! Don't let them sink you before I return!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-05 &quot;Phase Shift Down&quot;'' ===

:'''Kira Yamato''': Athrun, what are you up to?
:'''Athrun Zala''': I'm taking you to the ''Gamow''.
:'''Kira Yamato''': Get serious. I'm not going to set foot on any ZAFT ship.
:'''Athrun Zala''': You are a Coordinator. You're one of us, Kira.
:'''Kira Yamato''': No, I won't join ZAFT!
:'''Athrun Zala''': That's enough, Kira. Quiet! Just let me take you. Otherwise... otherwise, I'll have no choice but to shoot you.
:'''Kira Yamato''': Athrun...
:'''Athrun Zala''': I already lost my mom at Bloody Valentine. That's why...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Yzak Joule''': Stupid bastard! Are you out of your mind? If it hadn't been your interfering for no reason...
:'''Dearka Elsman''': Quite the little disaster. And all because you had to disobey orders.
:'''[[w:Nicol Amalfi|Nicol Amalfi]]''': What are you doing? This isn't the place. Stop it!
:'''Yzak Joule''': We went out in four machines, and we still couldn't get him. It's too humilating for words.
:'''Nicol Amalfi''': You can take it out on Athrun all you want. But it won't change anything, will it?
:''[After Yzak and Dearka leave in a huff.]''
:'''Nicol Amalfi''': Athrun, I can't help but think that this isn't like you. So if you...
:'''Athrun Zala''': Could you just let me be alone for a while? Okay?
:''[Exits locker room and slams his fist against the wall.]''
:'''Athrun Zala''': Kira...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''PHASE-06 &quot;The Vanishing Gundam&quot;'' ===

:'''Dearka Elsman''': So what's the strategy then? Kick back until they come out?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Nicol Amalfi''': Trial and error of an untested system. I really hope it works.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Regarding the Blitz's mirage colloid.]''
:'''Dearka Elsman''': It seems appropriate for Nicol. A weapon fit for a coward.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': Why can't you go away and let us live in peace?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Regarding Kira being with the Alliance and operating the Strike against his kind.]''
:'''Garcia''': But you're already a traitor to your fellow Coordinators, are you not?

=== ''PHASE-07 &quot;The Scar of Space&quot;'' ===

:'''[[w:Patrick Zala|Patrick Zala]]''': We fight because it is the only way that we can protect ourselves. If we must fight so that we may protect, then we have no choice but to fight. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mu La Flaga''': I am a man who can make the impossible possible.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-08 &quot;The Songstress of the Enemy Forces&quot;'' ===

:'''Mu La Flaga''': Give me a break. The minute we solve the problem with the supplies, we get thrown another in the form of a pink-haired princess.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Flay Allster|Flay Allster]]''': I don't want any of you Coordinators acting friendly with me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kuzzey Buskirk''': Are you a member of Blue Cosmos?
:'''Flay Allster''': No, I'm not! But the stance those people take... I don't think they're really wrong. Anyone who has their genes operated on, when they are not sick or anything, is against what nature intended. The truth is you all agree with me, don't you?
:[Kuzzey and Miriallia look away.]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Sai Argyle''': What a beautiful voice! But I wonder... is that voice a result of fiddling around with her genes?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

:'''Lacus Clyne''': But your kindness doesn't come from being a Coordinator... it's because of who you are, Kira Yamato. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-09 &quot;The Fading Light&quot;'' ===

:'''Flay Allster''': I promise I will kill this girl. If they keep firing at my father's ship, I swear I'll kill this girl. Tell them that! GO AHEAD!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''PHASE-10 &quot;Crossroads&quot;'' ===

:'''Athrun Zala''': Using a rescued civilian as a hostage? So do you still feel justified in fighting alongside these cowards? Kira!?
:'''Kira Yamato''': Athrun... I...
:'''Athrun Zala''': I'm gonna rescue her! That's a promise!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mu La Flaga''': The only reason our officers would resort to such dubious actions is because we're weak.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Flay Allster''': You didn't make any serious effort to fight them, did you? It's because you're a Coordinator too, isn't it?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-11 &quot;The Awakening Sword&quot;'' ===

:'''Yzak Joule''': I suggest the cowards keep their traps shut. Are there only ten minutes or are there a full ten minutes? It's all in how you look at it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Athrun Zala''': I can't exactly fight a war with a big smile on my face.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''PHASE-12 &quot;Flay's Decision&quot;'' ===

:'''[[w:Lacus Clyne|Lacus Clyne]]''': What is it one should be fighting against? War makes that question very difficult.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''PHASE-13 &quot;Stars Falling in Space&quot;'' ===

:'''Yzak Joule''': Come out and fight, Strike! Or else... or else this pain I feel will never go away!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-14 &quot;Within Endless Time&quot;'' ===

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': Each side strives for justice, but both have a different idea of what that means. And so on the battlefield, all those whose strike at the enemy do so for their just cause.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': The dove is a symbol of peace. It's not born with the sharp beak or claws that can inflict a fatal attack, so they say if these two birds were pitted against each other it would undoubtedly be a long, gruesome battle.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:George Glenn|George Glenn]]''': Fellow humans, I have kept something from you. But today my secret shall be revealed: I did not come into this world through natural birth. My genes were altered artificially early in the embryonic stage of my development.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''George Glenn''': Gazing upon the Earth from outer space, I am reminded of a thought I had... That I am bridge connecting our home planet to the vast reaches of space where so much is yet to be understood. I am also a human, straggling between the present world... and our future. I am the regulator, the coordinator, the one who is meant to guide the way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': Suspicion, ignorance, prejudice, the dark emotions directed at those who can be loved. If love is the brightest light, then are these emotions created from the shadow it casts? Things that are different, things we don't understand, differences that foster anxiety, leading to hatred, and ultimately...confrontation.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': Even if we know all about the source for the existence of humans, we cannot change their hearts. Those who possess the gift do not understand the feelings of those who don't; and those who don't envy those who do. There are people who still love others who are different to them, but this feeling cannot be transferred by gunfire.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-15 &quot;The Respective Solitudes&quot;'' ===

:'''Flay Allster''': Kira, you are going to fight, and fight, and fight... until you die. It's the only way I will ever forgive you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-16 &quot;Burning Sandstorm&quot;'' ===

:'''[[w:Andrew Waltfeld|Andrew Waltfeld]]''': When the coffee is first-rate, so is everything else. All right, let's go fight a war.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Pointing Strike's Agni to an overturned BuCUE.]''
:'''Kira Yamato''': Here! Have some of this!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Andrew Waltfeld''': Sorry, but we're going to have to finish you off... for what you did to Maylam.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Murrue Ramius''': ...Our guns are useless against moving targets.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-17 &quot;Cagalli Returns&quot;'' ===

:'''Cagalli Yula Attha''': Why? What is someone like you doing here, huh?
:'''Kira Yamato''': That's right. You're that person I met back at Morganroete.
:'''Cagalli Yula Attha''': Let go of me, you jerk!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[After twisting and holding Sai's arm behind his back]''
:'''Kira Yamato''': That's enough! If I took this seriously, you wouldn't stand a chance in a fight against me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Andrew Waltfeld''': ''[About razing Tassil]'' Naughty children must be properly disciplined!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-18 &quot;Payback&quot;'' ===

:'''Mu La Flaga''': This is likely payback for what you did to them last night. I'd say it's awfully kind of the Tiger to let you off with something minor like this.
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': How dare you?! Something minor like this? Having a town burnt down is minor? How could you regard anyone who would do this as kind?
:'''Mu La Flaga''': I'm sorry, I apologize if I upset you in any way. But the enemy is an established army. I'm sure you realize if they were serious, it would have been much worse.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:[Mu gasps at the angry expression in Cagalli's eyes, and humours her.]
:'''Mu La Flaga''': Yeah, the Tiger. What a detestable guy. 
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': Same goes for you!
:''[Cagalli storms off, but then a crowd of civilians gather in a circle around Mu, glaring at him.]''
:'''Mu La Flaga''': Oh boy.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Andrew Waltfeld''': Whenever people are put to the test, I often hear them boast, &quot;I'd rather die.&quot; But do you think they honestly mean it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''BuCUE pilot''': I'm gonna stomp on you annoying bugs!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Andrew Waltfeld''': Now, you weird and wonderful pilot, how are you going to get out of this jam?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': That's the last straw! You heartless moron! Look! [gestures toward Ahmed's body] They fought desperately! We're ''all'' fighting desperately! All so that we can protect the things and people that are so important to us!
:''[Kira slaps Cagalli across the face]''
:'''Kira Yamato''': What the hell can you protect when your feelings are the only weapons you've got?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-19 &quot;Fangs of the Enemy&quot;'' ===

:'''Murrue Ramius''': Any ideas on how to deal with this problem? You're his senior officer.
:'''Mu La Flaga''': Huh?
:''[Mu adopts a thoughtful pose, but his line of sight soon changes to surveying Murrue from top to bottom.]''
:'''Mu La Flaga''': ...Any ideas I have might not be worth mentioning.
:'''Murrue Ramius''': Yeah, I kinda sensed that from you. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': You've got no right to go up to other people and tell them how to eat their food!
:''[Cagalli squirts chilli sauce onto her donel kebab and takes a huge bite]
:'''Andrew Waltfeld''': ''[horrified]'' Oh what a terrible waste!
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': Delicious!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Kira sees Cagalli in one of Aisha's stunning dresses]
:'''Kira Yamato''': You're a... A girl?
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': What'd you think?
:'''Kira Yamato''': No, I was just saying that this reminds me again that you're a girl.
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': That amounts to the same thing, jackass!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Andrew Waltfeld''': Unlike in sports, the game of war has no set time limit and no points are awarded, so how do you determine the winners and the losers? When all your enemies are destroyed? Perhaps then.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-20 &quot;On a Calm Day&quot;'' ===

:'''[[w:Siegel Clyne|Siegel Clyne]]''': By allowing the war to spread, you also bring about more hatred. How far do you people intend to take this?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Patrick Zala''': There is no meaning in fighting a war unless one can end it in victory.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Patrick Zala''': We Coordinators are very different; we should view ourselves as a completely new species. There's no reason to cooexist with Naturals.
:'''Siegel Clyne''': How can you call us a new species when signs indicate that we are nearing the end of our road? Even with our push toward regulated marriage, birth rates among third-generation Coordinators are declining!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Siegel Clyne''': Patrick, you must face the fact that lives are born here, not simply manufactured!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Patrick Zala''': We can no longer throw away our power and turn back from our evolutionary path so that we may return to being Naturals.
:''[Patrick scoffs and exits the room; Siegel sighs]''
:'''Siegel Clyne''': You still fail to grasp the underlying truth, Patrick: we ''didn't'' evolve.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': Go ahead, Patrick Zala, be conceited! Enjoy it while you can.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-21 &quot;The End of the Sandstorm&quot;'' ===

:'''Mu La Flaga''': It's better not to know too much about the enemy. Try to forget. Knowing about a man you're about to fight with for your life just makes the battle more difficult.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Aisha''': Oh my, he ''is'' good.
:'''Andrew Waltfeld''': Told you. He was even better the other day when his intensity was turned up. You should have seen him. Unbelievable!
:'''Aisha''': You're taking this rather well. This is difficult for you, isn't it? I can tell you're really fond of him.
:'''Andrew Waltfeld''': You think he'll surrender?
:'''Aisha''': Not a chance.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Andrew Waltfeld''': There's no other way! I'm not giving up until one of us is destroyed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': It didn't have to end like this!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
 
=== ''PHASE-22 &quot;The Sea Dyed Red&quot;'' ===

:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': My feelings toward someone have nothing to do with them being Coordinator or Natural.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''PHASE-23 &quot;Fateful Encounter&quot;'' ===
:'''Mu La Flaga''': Where is that puppy?
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': What puppy?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-24 &quot;War for Two&quot;'' ===
['''Athrun realizes that he's about to stab a girl because Cagalli screams'''.]

:'''Athrun Zala''': A...girl?
[Silence.]
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': That's right, I'm a girl. What is it with you men?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Murrue Ramius''': If you object, then feel free to write about it in your report!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Athrun Zala''': It was the Earth Alliance Forces that gave us the &quot;Valentine Present&quot; first.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Athrun Zala''': My mother was at Junius Seven, which was only a PLANT for agriculture. Countless people, including children, died instantly from the nuclear attack. Did you expect me to sit back and do nothing?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': Hey...what's going on? Shouldn't I still be tied up? 
:'''Athrun Zala''': Eh?
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': I'll steal your gun and then the tables would be turned. 
[Athrun starts laughing.]
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': Why are you laughing?
:'''Athrun Zala''': It's you. Ya just won't give it up, will ya? [Athrun sighs.] If you go for my gun I'll have no other choice but to shoot you. So, don't even try it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': I know its Orb's fault for making them. But that thing, that mobile suit will kill lots of earth people.
:'''Athrun Zala''': Fine, then shoot. Because I'd be the one pulling the trigger. I am a ZAFT soldier to the bitter end. I will not let you tamper with that machine. And if you try to shoot me...then I will have to kill you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Athrun Zala''': What, are you crazy?! Throwing a loaded gun?!
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': S-s-sorry...
:'''Athrun Zala''': Unbelievable.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-25 &quot;Land of Peace&quot;'' ===

:'''[[w:Uzumi Nara Athha|Uzumi Nara Athha]]''': Do you honestly believe I would risk the fate of an entire nation and its people for the sake of one spoiled little girl?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w: Mu La Flaga| Mu La Flaga]]''': I guess we owe another one to the kid.
:'''[[w: Murrue Ramius| Murrue Ramius]]''': Yeah... ''[sighs and puts her head down in her arms]''
:''[Mu reaches over and pats her twice on the shoulder]''
:'''[[w: Murrue Ramius| Murrue Ramius]]''': Stop it commander, that's harassment.
:''[Mu looks at his hand in surprise]'' 
:'''[[w: Mu La Flaga| Mu La Flaga]]''': Huh? It is?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-26 &quot;Moment&quot;'' ===

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''PHASE-27 &quot;Endless Rondo&quot;'' ===

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''PHASE-28 &quot;Kira&quot;'' ===

:'''Flay Allster''': So how... how can you feel sympathy for someone like ''me?''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': Why the hell did they make me a Coordinator?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Athrun Zala''': ''[giving Birdy back to Kira]'' Is this... yours? 
:'''Kira Yamato''': Thank you...yes.
[Kira and Athrun look at each other, then one of Athrun's comrades yells 'Hey! Let's go!' Athrun turns to leave.]
:'''Kira Yamato''': A-an old friend...! gave it to me. It's a valuable gift, from a valuable friend. 
:'''Athrun Zala''': I see... 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-29 &quot;The Turning Point&quot;'' ===

:'''Dearka Elsman''': Well, how about we try a coup d'etat?
:'''Yzak Joule''': Hmph. No, I'm not stupid enough to want to take over ''this'' disaster.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Nicol Amalfi''': I guess I figured I should do my part and join the fight after hearing about Junius Seven.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Uzumi Nara Athha''': If you should kill someone's husband in battle, then his wife will despise you for that. And if you were to kill someone's son, then his mother will hate you for that as well... Because if someone were to take your life, I would hate them with all my heart.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Uzumi Nara Athha''': Carrying a gun is not the only way to fight.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicol Amalfi''': Athrun r-run...
:[Nicol recalls his last conservation with his mother]&lt;br&gt;
:'''Romina Amalfi''': Be... be careful, Nicol.
:'''Nicol Amalfi''': [Last words] Mother... my piano.
:[The Blitz Gundam explodes leaving Kira and Athrun aghast.]&lt;br&gt;
:'''Athrun Zala''': Nicolllllllllll!

=== ''PHASE-30 &quot;Flashing Blades&quot;'' ===
:[Nicol has just been killed by Kira and Yzak is beating on his locker.]
:'''Yzak Joule''': Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! DAMN IT!
:'''Dearka Elsman''': Yzak...
:'''Yzak Joule''': Why did he have to die like that? And why out here? Well?
:''[Athrun slams Yzak against the locker.]''
:'''Athrun Zala''': Why don't you just come out and say it, Yzak? It's my fault! He died because he was trying to save me.
:'''Dearka Elsman''': Athrun, stop it! You too, Yzak. Fighting each other isn't going to help one bit. And remember that the Strike is our real enemy.
:'''Yzak Joule''': I know that! Obviously! He's the one who killed Miguel. And he gave me this scar. The next time we meet, I'll get him!
:''[Yzak runs off with Dearka in hot pursuit.]''
:'''Dearka Elsman''': Yzak!
:''[Athrun opens Nicol's locker and some music notes fall out; he recalls some conversations he had earlier with Nicol.]''
:'''Nicol Amarfi''': Oh Athrun! Thanks for coming to the concert the other day. Come on! You were sleeping. I guess I figured I should do my part and join the fight after hearing about Junius Seven.
:''[Athrun slams his fist against the locker.]''
:'''Athrun Zala''': Damn it. It should have been me. I should have been the one to die, not him. Nicol.... it's all because I was too weak to defeat Kira in the past. It was my weakness that killed you. I'll kill him.... the next time we meet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mu La Flaga''': We're soldiers. We're not murderers. We're fighting a war! If one doesn't shoot, one gets shot!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': I have to destroy you? So be it, Athrun.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Athrun Zala''': How could you do it, Kira? You murdered Nicol!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Tolle Koenig''': Kira!
:'''Kira Yamato''': Tolle, no! Stay back!
:''[Tolle fires a missile at the Aegis, but it dodges the attack and smashes the Skygrasper with its shield, beheading Tolle.]''
:'''Kira Yamato''': ''Tolle''! ''[enters SEED Mode, damaging Aegis]
:'''Athrun Zala''': I'm gonna ''KILL YOU!!!'' ''[enters SEED mode as well]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-31 &quot;Grieving Skies&quot;'' ===

:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': There's something I have to know. Are you the one who destroyed the Strike? 
:'''Athrun Zala''': It was me. 
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': What happened to the pilot? Did he escape like you did? Eject? Or... we couldn't find Kira... anywhere. Say something! 
:'''Athrun Zala''': He's gone... Because I killed him. It's true. I did it. I trapped the Strike with my Aegis and blew up. I don't see how he could have escaped. That was the only option I had left... to finish him. 
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': Bastard! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': Kira... took too many risks, didn't always know what he was doing and always cried. But he was kind. He was a nice guy! 
:'''Athrun Zala''': Yeah, I know. Sounds like Kira hadn't changed a bit. He was always like that. 
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': Did you... 
:'''Athrun Zala''': He was a sentimental crybaby. And he was smart, but he never thought things through.
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': Did you really know Kira ? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': If you were such a good friend, then why the hell would you kill him?
:'''Athrun Zala''': I don't know. I have no idea why either, okay? 
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': Huh? 
:'''Athrun Zala''': We separated as friends and the next time I saw him we were enemies! 
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': Enemies? 
:'''Athrun Zala''': I asked him to come with us, over and over! Because he was a Coordinator, can't you see? He was one of us, that's where he belonged! It wasn't right for him to be on the side of the Earth forces! 
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': So you... 
:'''Athrun Zala''': But whenever we talked, he wouldn't listen! He fought against us, even hurting friends of mine! And then he killed Nicol! 
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': And so... that's why you did this to... your friend? 
:'''Athrun Zala''': He was an enemy! He wasn't on my side anymore! I had no choice but to ''kill him!'' 
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': You idiot!
:'''Athrun Zala''': He killed Nicol right in front of my eyes! Nicol was fifteen. He loved the piano. He only fought to protect the PLANTs and Kira killed him.
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': Kira only fought to protect the things he wished to protect as well. That still doesn't explain why he had to pay with his life! And in the hands of his best friend, of all people!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': One guy's killed for killing another and then he's killed for killing him. How is that kind of twisted thinking ever gonna bring us peace? Well? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Yzak Joule''': Bastard! You dare show your face?
:'''Athrun Zala''': I destroyed the Strike like I promised.

=== ''PHASE-32 &quot;In the Promised Land&quot;'' ===

:'''Sai Argyle''': Tolle is missing, Kira is missing. Everybody is upset right now. And that includes me. To be honest, I'm really not in the mood to comfort you right now. Sorry. Go ask somebody else.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Dearka Elsman''': Or maybe your good-for-nothing Natural boyfriend went and died on you or something.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Miriallia Haw''': Tolle's gone, and he's never coming back! And yet this creep... what is this scumbag doing here!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Flay Allster''': All you Coordinators deserve to be killed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-33 &quot;Gathering Darkness&quot;'' ===

:'''[[w:Natarle Badgiruel|Natarle Badgiruel]]''': The military must be regulated. It requires both soldiers who follow the orders of their superiors and commanders who look at the larger picture and make the appropriate decisions. Otherwise, the ship cannot be victorious or hope to survive in battle.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Murrue Ramius''': I know that this uniform is something that does not suit me well.

=== ''PHASE-34 &quot;Seen and Unseen&quot;'' ===

:''[Beginning the disastrous Operation Spitbreak.]''
:'''Patrick Zala''': As we embark on this historic day, we pray that this operation will lead to true freedom and justice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': The quickest way to slay the beast... is to chop off its head.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[To Athrun.]''
:'''Yzak Joule''': Next time ''I'll'' be the one in charge. Don't get killed until then. Okay?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': If you just did nothing because you thought it wouldn't help, then you'd end up doing less than nothing, for nothing would change and nothing would end.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lacus Clyne''':  Neither will alone nor strength alone will be enough. That's why.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lacus Clyne''': I'd like you to inform them: from now on, Lacus Clyne will be singing the song... of peace. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-35 &quot;The Descending Sword&quot;'' ===

:'''Miriallia Haw''': What kind of strategy is this!? Because this is a war... and because we're all supposed to be good soldiers... if they tell us to... then I guess we're just supposed to throw away our lives.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Murrue Ramius''': If the object of this whole battle was to lure the ZAFT forces closer in, then in my opinion this ship has already accomplished its mission. Note that I, Murrue Ramius, captain of the ''Archangel'', make this decision alone. No other crew member is to be held responsible for these actions.
:'''Mu La Flaga''': Don't put so much pressure on yourself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mu La Flaga''': Did you forget? I am a man who can make the impossible possible!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Yzak Joule''': Don't take me lightly! You're not dealing with the Buster here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:[After witnessing the destructive power of the Freedom Gundam]
:'''Yzak Joule''': What the hell was ''that?''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-36 &quot;In the Name of Justice&quot;'' ===
:'''Athrun Zala''': Father . . .
:'''Patrick Zala''': What did you call me?
:'''Athrun Zala''': My-my apologies, Chairman Zala.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Murrue Ramius''': It's becoming more and more difficult to understand who or what we're fighting for.
:'''Kira Yamato''': Ms. Murrue. What is it you think we should be fighting against to end all of this? Whatever it is, it's about time we started fighting against it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Athrun Zala''': What are you talking about, Lacus? Kira's gone. I--
:'''Lacus Clyne''': --killed him with your own hands?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lacus Clyne''': What is it you believe in? What is it you should be fighting for now? Is it for that medal you received? Or your father's orders? Because if that is so, you'll likely find yourself fighting Kira as his enemy again...and you'll be fighting me, too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lacus Clyne''': So if I am to be your enemy then you might as well shoot me now, Athrun Zala, soldier of ZAFT.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lacus Clyne''': You'll find Kira on Earth. I suggest that you'll have a talk with him. He is your friend.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-37 &quot;Divine Thunder&quot;'' ===

:'''Uzumi Nara Athha''': We believe that no one should be judged by whether or not his or her genes were altered. Cagalli is a Natural and Kira is a Coordinator. These are things they have no control over.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Yzak Joule''': What's so fun about firing at targets that aren't moving?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Murrue Ramius''': Commander...
:'''Mu La Flaga''': That title no longer applies, does it Ms Murrue?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-38 &quot;Decisive Fire&quot;'' ===

:'''Uzumi Nara Athha''': Have they decided it's not worth the effort to hide their true colors from us now that they've lost Panama? Damn the Atlantic Federation!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Muruta Azrael|Muruta Azrael]]''': I only hope they'll oblige us by continuing to hold out to the bitter end.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Murrue Ramius''':  You ought to know I really can't stand mobile armor pilots.
:'''Mu La Flaga''': Well, I guess it's a good thing I'm a mobile ''suit'' pilot now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Reverend Malchio''': Wars spread so quickly, but are so difficult to end.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kuzzey Buskirk''': If I'm the only one who says that he wants to leave then everyone will think that I'm afraid, that I'm just a coward! And maybe that's true, but there's nothing I can do on board; nothing to do with fighting! I leave that stuff to the guys who are able to do it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Dearka Elsman''': Are Naturals really that stupid?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Muruta Azrael''': Say, boys?
:'''[[w:Orga Sabnak|Orga Sabnak]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Shani Andras|Shani Andras]]''': Huh?
:'''[[w:Clotho Buer|Clotho Buer]]''': Yeah?
:'''Muruta Azrael''': It's extremely important that you not damage Morgenroete or the mass driver. Do you understand?
:'''Shani Andras''': But we can do anything else we want to, right?
:'''Clotho Buer''': Oh yeah.
:'''Orga Sabnak''': Why don't you guys shut up?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Clotho Buer''': That white one, it's mine.
:'''Orga Sabnak''': Humph.
:'''Clotho Buer''': Figures, ya missed it.
:'''Clotho Buer''': Annihilate!
:'''Shani Andras''': Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!
:'''Clotho Buer''': Bastard! You're terminated!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Clotho Buer''': Out of the way Shani!
:'''Shani Andras''': Your the one who's in the way!
(Shani fires his Forbidden's railguns while Kira dodges them and shoots back)
(Kira's beam cannons are deflected and sent in another direction)
:'''Shani Andras''': Ha ha ha ha!
:'''Kira Yamato''': It deflected the beams?!

=== ''PHASE-39 &quot;Athrun&quot;'' ===

:'''Athrun Zala''': I haven't received any specific military orders regarding this battle. This intervention... is ''my'' decision alone.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Shani Andras''': Wow, another one of these... funny-looking mobile suits.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Clotho Buer''': I don't know who you are, but you're going to be a fatality too!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Orga begins fires on Clotho, who is supposedly his teammate.]''
:'''Clotho Buer''': Orga!
:'''Orga Sabnak''': You're bugging me! 
:''[He fires on Clotho again.]'' 
:'''Orga Sabnak''': The same goes for you, Shani!
:''[Orga fires on Shani as well, leaving Kira and Athrun aghast.]''
:'''Athrun Zala''': These guys don't give a damn about each other!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Clotho Buer''': I've had enough, Orga. You bug me!
:[The drugs begin to wear off causing Clotho painful withdrawal symptoms; Shani and Orga follow suit.]
:'''Orga Sabnak''': Aw crap! We're outta time! Clotho!
:[The three Extended pilots withdraw from the battle.]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Azrael is furious that the three Extended pilots were unable to finish the job.]''
:'''Muruta Azrael''': They're useless!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Athrun Zala''': But you . . .
:'''Kira Yamato''': I know. ''[flashback to Nicol's death]'' I killed a comrade of yours. A personal friend. But I never knew him or even met the guy. And it's not as if I wanted to kill him.
:''[Everybody in the room absorbs Kira's remorse]''
:'''Kira Yamato''': And you... ''[flashback to Tolle's death]'' ...killed Tolle.
:''[Athrun gasps as does Miriallia and Dearka]''
:'''Kira Yamato''': But you didn't know him either. You didn't want to kill him, right?
:'''Athrun Zala''': No. But I tried my hardest to kill you.
:'''Kira Yamato''': Same here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Dearka Elsman''': Hey!
:'''Miriallia Haw''': What do you want?
:'''Dearka Elsman''': Uh, well I . . . he's the one who killed that guy... you know, Tolle.
:'''Miriallia Haw''': So, what is your point? Weren't you listening to Kira? This is what he meant! Would killing him bring Tolle back to me? Of course it wouldn't. So, why don't you just stop talking about it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Shani Andras''': ''[About the Justice and the Freedom]'' They're gonna pay.
:'''Clotho Buer''': Those two machines.
:'''Orga Sabnak''': That's a promise.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-40 &quot;Into the Dawn Skies&quot;'' ===
:'''Uzumi Nara Athha''': We've been declared an enemy, but does that mean we're not even worth listening to!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Athrun Zala''': Both of us completely understood what you meant, and that there are things in this world you want to protect sometimes you gotta fight for them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': Athrun…
:'''Athrun Zala''': Let's kick ass!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Orga Sabnak''': You stupid mobile suit! You're out of energy already!?
:'''Clotho Buer''': It's because you keep firing all over the place, dumbass!
:'''Orga Sabank''': Say what?
:'''Clotho Buer''': If you want to leave, do it yourself. You're on your own now.
:''[Athrun leaps out of the water in the Justice Gundam and slices Clotho's hammer in half, forcing him to fall back.]''
:'''Orga Sabnak''': Hey, you're the dumbass!
:'''Clotho Buer''': Who do you think you're...
:''[Orga lands his Calamity Gundam on top of Clotho in his Raider Gundam.]''
:'''Clotho Buer''': Who said you could get on, freeloader!?
:'''Orga Sabnak''': Shut your mouth! We got to go back and recharge. Don't tell me you're not running on empty as well.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Uzumi Nara Athha''': The Earth Forces' present actions are being guided by the leader of Blue Cosmos, Muruta Azrael. To make matters worse, the PLANTs are led by someone who believes Coordinators are a new species, for Patrick Zala rules them now. The way things are developing the world will soon be trapped between two forces who refuse to accept each others' existence.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': But just because the odds are against us doesn't mean we should give up and let them do whatever they want to us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Uzumi Nara Athha''': Stop giving me that look! It doesn't suit a child of the Lion of Orb.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Uzumi Nara Athha''': I feel very fortunate to have been your father.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Uzumi Nara Athha''': We can't leave Orb, or this world, in the hands of those bastards.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Murrue Ramius''': This small yet strong flame will never be extinguished.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mayura Labatt''': I didn't think we'd be going out into space.
:'''Juri Wu Nien''': Suits me just fine.
:'''Asagi Caldwell''': Damn the Earth Forces!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-41 &quot;Trembling World&quot;'' ===

:'''Lacus Clyne''': We must understand that the people of Earth are our brothers and sisters. We Coordinators haven't somehow evolved into a separate species.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''PHASE-42 &quot;Lacus Strikes&quot;'' ===
:'''Patrick Zala''': What's going on? What happened? Where's Justice? And what happpened to the Freedom?
:'''Athrun Zala''': First things first. I have a question for you. What exactly are your true intentions regarding this war?
:'''Patrick Zala''': What did you say?!
:'''Athrun Zala''': You heard me, Father. How long are we going to keep fighting this war?
:'''Patrick Zala''': What are you blathering about? What's important is the mission you were assigned. Now stop wasting time and make your report!
:'''Athrun Zala''': I came back... because I felt I had to ask that one question in person. That's it, Father.
:'''Patrick Zala''': Athrun, you little bastard!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Athrun Zala''': All you can think about is meeting power with more power! Tell me, Father, is that really your true intention? Do you believe that will ever bring an end to this war?
:'''Patrick Zala''': Of course it will! When the very last Natural is dead, this war will end!
:''[Athrun's eyes widen in shock and disbelief]'' 
:'''Patrick Zala''': Now tell me, Athrun, what happened to our machines, the Justice and the Freedom? And answer carefully because I forgive no one! 
:'''Athrun Zala''': Are you serious? Do you mean what you just said, Father? About how you want all the Naturals dead?
:'''Patrick Zala''': That's the whole point of this war! That reason and that reason alone is why we are fighting this war! How could you possibly have forgotten that fact?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Patrick Zala''': Don't kill this fool! There are still some things he needs to tell me.
:'''Soldiers''': Yes, sir! 
:'''Patrick Zala''': Take him away and pry the location of the Justice and the Freedom out of him. Use whatever means of persuasion you find necessary. I'm very disappointed, Athrun. 
:'''Athrun Zala''': I feel the same way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': You have every reason to want revenge on me. 
:'''Andrew Waltfeld''': That's what happens in war. Everyone has some kind of reason, but no one does.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
=== ''PHASE-43 &quot;What Stands in the Way&quot;'' ===

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': Nobody is ever born into this world as a soldier. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Murrue Ramius''': Do you think they're planning to launch an all-out attack on the PLANTs? 
:'''Andrew Waltfeld''': Their military is full of people who have always wanted to pull off that kind of stunt. &quot;For the preservation of our blue and pure world.&quot; 
:'''Mu La Flaga''': That's enough. 
:'''Andrew Waltfeld''': Hey, they're the ones saying it, not me. 
:'''Mu La Flaga''': I know, but you're right. 
:'''Andrew Waltfeld''': I can't see how getting rid of all the Coordinators would lead to a pure world. I don't even know what a pure world is. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lacus Clyne''': Whatever human beings have begun, other human beings can then put a stop to.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': I bet your head is like a hamster running in its wheel right about now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Murrue Ramius''': This isn't only about what happened in Alaska. We have serious doubts about the Earth Forces in their entirety. No surrender, no return to the military!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Natarle Badgiruel''': In these conditions, we hit our own machines too!
:'''Muruta Azrael''': Who cares if we hit our own machines? They have Trans-Phase armor, don't they?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Clotho Buer''': ''[About the Justice and the Freedom]'' They want these guys intact!
:'''Shani Andras''': How about just ''one'' of them?

=== ''PHASE-44 &quot;Spiral of Encounters&quot;'' ===

:'''Natarle Badgiruel''': Are you that eager to meet your maker!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Orga Sabnak''': Shani!
:'''Clotho Buer''': We have orders to withdraw, dimwit!
:'''Shani Andras''': ''[About Athrun]'' That guy! Do you know what he did?
:'''Orga Sabnak''': We have to retreat! Do you want them to punish us again!?
:''[Shani's eyes widen in fear and he finally backs down from his assault.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': If it's my fate to be shot down by you, I thought this place would be appropriate... However, it doesn't look like there's any chance of that happening. After all, how could the child ever hope to defeat the parent!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Dearka Elsman''': I can't just quietly follow orders when it looks like all we're trying to do is wipe out every last Natural alive.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': Aren't you the least bit curious? About the ultimate extent of humanity's insatiable desires? About the fools who pursued their insane dream in the name of progress? Because after all, Kira, you're a child of this too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-45 &quot;The Opening Door&quot;'' ===

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': You are the dream of humanity. The Ultimate Coordinator. It was Dr. Hibiki who first created the artificial womb. And you were the only viable child it ever produced. For that reason, a large number of your siblings were sacrificed.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': George Glenn was the first Coodinator whom humanity knew. Do you have any idea how much darkness spread across the world because of the chaos he unleashed? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Via Hibiki''': Please stop it! That's a human life in there! Not just a thing!
:'''[[w:Ulen Hibiki|Ulen Hibiki]]''': I know that! That's why I must see this through to the end! 
:'''Via Hibiki''': A life should be born into this world! Not just manufactured!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Via Hibiki''': You liar! Give him back! Give my other child back to me!
:'''Ulen Hibiki''': He's my son! I'll use the highest technology to make him the Ultimate Coordinator!
:'''Via Hibiki''': And what is this for? For your sake?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Via Hibiki''': The Ultimate Coordinator? Is that supposed to bring this child happiness?
:'''Ulen Hibiki''': The urge to make things better has always driven progress, and then that is what brings about happiness.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': They thirsted for knowledge. They sought to fulfill their desires. And ultimately, they forgot why they were doing it. Even as they proclaimed their reverence for human life, they began toying with it. And then they began destroying it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': No matter what we learn, no matter what we manage to obtain, nothing ever changes! People are amazing that way! They become envious, hate each other, and destroy each other! If that's what they truly desire, why don't they simply exterminate each other?!
:'''Mu La Flaga''': What gives you the right to sound so superior?
:'''Rau Le Creuset''': I am the only one who has earned that right! In the entire universe, I alone have the right to judge all of humanity!
:'''Mu La Flaga''': Cut the crap, you crackpot!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ulen Hibiki''': But cloning is illegal.
:'''[[w:Al Da Flaga|Al Da Flaga]]''': Laws can be changed. After all, they are only made by humans.
:'''Ulen Hibiki''': But still&amp;mdash;
:'''Al Da Flaga''': This technology came at great cost. You should put it to use. You want funding for your research, don't you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Al Da Flaga''': But are you sure that's me? Oh well. He will be my successor, in any case. Why should that woman's child be my heir? Keep a close eye on him and educate him well. Whatever you do, don't make him into another weakling.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': I am he, that arrogant fool, who thought he could thwart death itself with his money. Al Da Flaga, your father. But I am merely that man's defective clone.
:'''Mu La Flaga''': What?! My dad's clone? You expect anyone to believe that fairy tale?
:'''Rau Le Creuset''': I don't want to believe it either. But unfortunately, ''it's true!''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Natarle Badgiruel''': Making the first move will put us at a great disadvantage. Unfortunately, I cannot guarantee success.
:'''Muruta Azrael''': It's easy for anybody to declare the impossible as being impossible. But it's another matter to actually make things possible. Everyone knows that in the business world.
:'''Natarle Badgiruel''': But this is a battlefield. Failure means death.
:'''Muruta Azrael''': It means the same in the business world. Are you one of those people who only fights battles that you know you'll win? Although that's fine by me. When push comes to shove, you've gotta do what you've gotta do to be victorious. We can't remain sitting here forever, can we? Give it your best shot. Think positive. Winners never quit, quitters never win.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Dearka Elsman''': I'm not as devoted or resigned to this cause as those two are, but I've seen some things...
:'''Miriallia Haw''': ''[in flashback]'' Tolle's gone! And he's never coming back! And yet this creep, what is this scumbag doing here?! 
:'''Dearka Elsman''': I watched them. And after I saw Alaska, Panama, and Orb, there's no way I can return to ZAFT and fight like the military tells me to.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Shani Andras''': Do you think we'll get in trouble again if we fail this time? 
:'''Clotho Buer''': Bet on it. [About Azrael] That guy is just using us to make himself look good.
:'''Orga Sabnak''': It could be worse. At least we're kicking butt instead of getting our own butts kicked.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': The final door is about to open. And I am the one opening it! And this world will come to an end! This world of insatiable desires will end! And the conceited fools floundering in it will finally have their wish come true! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': Do you think you can change what's about to happen?! Nobody can do anything about it. The whirlpool of hatred is engulfing the universe!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Dearka Elsman''': If you insist I'm your enemy just because I'm no longer with ZAFT, then shoot me. 
:'''Yzak Joule''': You're being deceived!
:'''Dearka Elsman''': I wonder which one of us is really being deceived. I don't know for sure, but I'm going.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': ''[To Flay]'' I'm very tired now. So please deliver this key to the final door for me. If that key makes it into the hands of the Earth Forces, this war will come to an end. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-46 &quot;A Place for the Soul&quot;'' ===

:'''Flay Allster''': I-I have something... a key! A key that's supposed to end this war. So help me! Please help me! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Clotho Buer''': Time's up!
:'''Shani Andras''': You bastard!
:''[Shani and Clotho behead the Freedom.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': ''[About Flay]'' She's someone that I hurt! I have to protect her!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mu La Flaga''': My father was... an arrogant and unreasonable man... always doubting other people. He died when I was little, and that's about all I remember about him. But this is just... unbelievable! Why'd this have to happen? ''[About Rau]'' And a failed product? He ages too quickly. Shortened telomeres. What's it all supposed to mean?
:'''Murrue Ramius''': None of this is your fault, Mu.
:'''Mu La Flaga''': He has no past and no future. Perhaps not even an identity. 
:'''Murrue Ramius''': So he wants to take the whole world down with him.
:'''Mu La Flaga''': I won't let him get away with this. I won't! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': I'll be all right... because I swore that I'd never cry again.
:'''Lacus Clyne''': It's okay to cry. You should cry, while we're still able to. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lacus Clyne''': You have too many sad dreams, Kira. But what's important is the person you are. Right here, right now. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Athrun Zala''': It seems like everybody's crying.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-47 &quot;The Nightmare Reborn&quot;'' ===

:'''Muruta Azrael''': That was nice and quick. Even ZAFT's fortresses are simply no match for nuclear warheads.
:'''Natarle Badgiruel''': Director Azrael... 
:'''Muruta Azrael''': Hm?
:'''Natarle Badgiruel''': I understand that they are our enemies, but don't you feel any remorse for using nuclear weapons?
:'''Muruta Azrael''': I must say, I'm surprised to hear that kind of comment from a professional soldier. Why, I'm almost a saint, compared to some commanders who would knowingly send their troops out to die, knowing full well that it was a battle they could never win.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The Earth Forces have just used nukes to destory Boaz.]''
:'''Patrick Zala''': Damn those Natural scum!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Clotho Buer''': [laughs] You know what I see? Targets!
:''[Orga is also delighted at all the potential targets for him to shoot.]''
:'''Orga Sabnak''': Well now, I can't make up my mind. Right there!
:''[Meanwhile, a ZAFT grunt pilot futilely fires on Shani.]''
:'''Shani Andras''': Why you little... nobody takes a shot at me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''ZAFT Green Coat''': ''[Noticing the Peacemaker Force]'' What are those!?
:''[He maneuvers his mobile suit in their direction, but Clotho blows it up and kills him.]''
:'''Clotho Buer''': Oh no, you don't! Nobody stops playing until I say they can.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The Earth Forces' nuclear missiles hit their target, Boaz.]''
:'''Clotho Buer''': Yeah!
:'''Orga Sabnak''': Awesome!
:'''Shani Andras''': Sure is bright!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mu La Flaga''': Nothing surprises me any more. Not after JOSH-A.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Flay Allster''': But I... I really have to see him again. Kira is alive. So, I really have to see him and talk to him and the others... properly this time!
:'''Natarle Badgiruel''': You may want to stay off the bridge. It won't be as frightening if you stay in your sleeping quarters. You look scared.
:'''Flay Allster''': I-I'm terrified! But I'm just starting to realise now... everybody else saw it and understood what was happening as it unfolded, but I...
:'''Natarle Badgiruel''': Most people are lucky they don't see those things. From here on, this war is only going to get worse. We're going to see a lot more of what we just witnessed.
:'''Flay Allster''': But that man... he said the war was going to end now!
:'''Natarle Badgiruel''': Oh, it will end all right. Once every last enemy is destroyed. Only then will it end.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lacus Clyne''': Everyone please... we cannot afford to let even one nuclear missile hit the PLANTs. If the blade of light strikes down those who are innocent, it can only lead to neverending tears and hatred.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lacus Clyne:''' The choices we're making may be one of evil as well. For we call for peace, but with weapons in our hands. Nevertheless allow us to break this chain of endless conflict. Give us strength.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[ZAFT prepares to fight back against the Earth Forces with GENESIS]''
:'''Patrick Zala''': All you Naturals mark this moment well. Let this light usher in the creation of the Coordinators' world! '''NOW FIRE!!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-48 &quot;Day of Wrath&quot;'' ===

:'''Kira Yamato''': Why do things like that exist in the first place? Nuclear weapons... or for that matter, why are there even mobile suits and guns?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lacus Clyne''': Is it weapons that are the cause of all this fighting or does the real cause lie within the human heart?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Andrew Waltfeld''': The first time I actually ever had to shoot somebody, it turned my stomach. They told me I'd get used to it in time. And after a while, that's what happened.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Patrick Zala''': This is no longer a war, it is a campaign of extermination!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Shani Andras''': You know, I think there are even more of them than last time. 
:'''Orga Sabnak''': Although, it's really not much fun fighting the small fry. 
:'''Clotho Buer''': Who cares? If I'm ordered to go out and attack, I'll do what I'm told. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

:'''Patrick Zala''': Le Creuset... I'm only going to say this once: no more blunders. To make up for not destroying the ''Eternal'', the least you can do is prevent them from attacking the PLANTs with it.
:'''Rau Le Creuset''': Even if that means killing Athrun, Your Excellency?
:''[Patrick's eyes widen briefly, but then he grits his teeth.]''
:'''Patrick Zala''': Of course!
:'''Rau Le Creuset''': Very well then, sir. Excuse me.
:''[As Rau walks away, Patrick clenches his fist.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Dearka Elsman''': So, they want us to stop the nukes and GENESIS while fighting at the same time!?
:'''Miriallia Haw''': Then why don't you just give up?
:'''Dearka Elsman''': Hey, I didn't mean&amp;mdash;
:'''Miriallia Haw''': Just kidding. I'm sorry. Be careful out there.
:'''Dearka Elsman''': Thank you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Murrue Ramius''': I thought I wouldn't make it in time.
:'''Mu La Flaga''': What are you talking about, silly?
:''[Mu notices Murrue's locket.]''
:'''Mu La Flaga''': Was he a mobile armor pilot?
:'''Murrue Ramius''': ...Yes.
:'''Mu La Flaga''': Don't worry. I'll be right back, with victory in hand.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': I'll give it a try. Anything that man can do, I'm sure I can do just as well. This is Rau Le Creuset, Providence taking off! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': I'll be watching after that guy who might be my little brother.
:'''Athrun Zala''': Little brother? Couldn't he be your big brother?
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': No way! He's definitely younger.
:'''Athrun Zala''': Yeah I guess you're right.
:''[hugs her]''
:'''Athrun Zala''': I'm pretty lucky to have met you.
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': Athrun...
:'''Athrun Zala''': You and I can protect each other.
:''[they kiss]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-49 &quot;The Final Light&quot;'' ===

:'''Muruta Azrael''': It's simple; even a single Coordinator is a threat to the Earth's survival, and our purpose here is to get rid of them all!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Clotho Buer''': What's the deal with you two anyway? Why are you fighting so desperately?
:'''Athrun Zala''': I want to ask you the same thing. What do you guys think you're fighting for?
:'''Clotho Buer''': Don't ask me, I don't really know. I hate losing; that's my ''only'' reason!
:'''Athrun Zala''': What?!
:'''Clotho Buer''': Not that I'll ever lose!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mu La Flaga''': ''Le Creuset!'' Is this what you were hoping for, you bastard?!
:'''Rau Le Creuset''': You shouldn't blame me! This is mankind's dream, mankind's desire, mankind's destiny! To be the strongest, to go the farthest, to climb the highest!
:'''Mu La Flaga''': You're pathetic!
:'''Rau Le Creuset''': To compete, to envy, to hate each other, and to devour one another!
:'''Mu La Flaga''': I won't let your twisted logic make things worse!
:'''Rau Le Creuset''': But you're too late, Mu. You see... I am the product of all of this, that's how I know! I know that humanity will be swallowed by the darkness it's created!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''William Sutherland''': Mr. Azrael?
:'''Muruta Azrael''': Send out the nuclear attack force!
:'''Natarle Badgiruel''': Director Azrael!
:'''Muruta Azrael''': Destroy every last one of them! ''Smash those annoying hourglasses into dust!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lacus Clyne''': Possibly... we humans can exist without fighting. but many of us have chosen to fight. For what reason? To protect something? Protect what? Ourselves? The future? If we kill people to protect ourselves and this future, then what sort of future is it, and what will we have become? There is no future for those who have died. And what of those who did the killing? Is happiness to be found in a future that is grasped with bloodstained hands? Is that the truth?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Natarle Badgiruel''': You're a monster who deserves to die, right here with me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Muruta Azrael''': Damn it! I can't die like this!
:'''Natarle Badgiruel''': Azrael, what now?
:'''Muruta Azrael''': I can still win. ''[his eye twitches]'' That's right. I always win.
:''[Azrael targets the Lohengrin on the ''Archangel'']''
:'''Natarle Badgiruel''': You bastard&amp;mdash;!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:[Last words]
:'''Mu La Flaga''': ''[Final words]'' Didn't I tell you I could make the impossible possible...!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Muruta Azrael''': ''[Seeing that he failed to destroy the ''Archangel'']'' No, but I . . .
:'''Natarle Badgiruel''': Hm, looks like you lose.
:'''Muruta Azrael''': How dare you mock me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Natarle Badgiruel''': ''[Final Words]'' Now! Murrue Ramius! ''FIRE!''
:'''Murrue Ramius''': ''[At the same time]'' ''FIRE!''

=== ''FINAL PHASE &quot;Towards an Endless Tomorrow&quot;'' ===

:'''Lacus Clyne''': I demand that ZAFT cease firing GENESIS immediately! We've experienced the pain and sorrow of nuclear attacks, yet we are trying to inflict the same suffering on them now? Will anything be made right if we fire it? Or if more innocent men, women and children keep loosing their lives?! Is that justice!? Don't you realize yet what these attacks on each other are giving birth to?! Do we want more sacrifices?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': Stop running! The hardest battle, is to keep living!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Yzak Joule''': Give me that weapon!
:'''Dearka Elsman''': Yzak!
:'''Yzak Joule''': He's not beating me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': Oh Azrael, what a disappointment you were.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': This is our destiny! People knew where they were heading when they chose to walk this path!
:'''Kira Yamato''': Shut up!
:'''Rau Le Creuset''': Justice and faith! Ignorance and escapism! They never learn! ''They never listen!'' We have reached the end of that path! There is no way to prevent it now! Mankind vanquished, at last! Just as they deserve!
:'''Kira Yamato''': I won't allow it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': You don't understand anything else!
:'''Rau Le Creuset''': Of course! After all, people can only understand what they've experienced!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': You're wrong! People aren't like that at all!
:'''Rau Le Creuset''': Ha! How are they ''not'' like that? What's your proof?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': This is a world where people's hearts are filled with hatred, where fingers have no other purpose other than to pull triggers!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': You're something that shouldn't have been allowed to exist, boy!
:'''Kira Yamato''': Just shut up!
:'''Rau Le Creuset''': If people learned of your existence, they would want to become just as you are! They would want to become like you!
:'''Kira Yamato''': That's garbage!
:'''Rau Le Creuset''': And that's the reason why... your existence cannot be allowed!
:'''Kira Yamato''': I'm not... even if that's true... I'm not defined by my abilities alone!
:'''Rau Le Creuset''': And who's going to believe that line? Will they understand that? Of course they won't! Nobody will!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Flay Allster''': I'll always protect you... my true feelings will protect you...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rau Le Creuset''': It's a shame really, I did enjoy your songs. But the real world isn't as kind as the one in pop songs!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': Why torment yourself saying. &quot;Eventually, someday&quot;? How long have you been fighting with your thoughts clouded by that brand of sweet poison?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Athrun Zala''': Stop it! Lay down your weapons! Do it now! Is this really what you people want!? You'll wipe them out completely!
:'''ZAFT Green Coat 1''': They're the ones who fired first!
:'''ZAFT Green Coat 2''': My brother was stationed at Boaz!
:'''Athrun Zala''': Damn!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Patrick Zala''': They're right there! Our enemies are still out there! Why would you even suggest we not fire it? We must fire it again, before they have a chance to retaliate! The enemy must be annihilated! Why can't you all understand that?
:'''Subordinate''': Your Excellency, our forces are still in the line of fire!
:'''Patrick Zala''': All of our soldiers are fighting for one thing: victory! I'm sure they're prepared to pay the cost!
:'''Subordinate''': But, sir...!
:'''Ray Yuki''': You... ''bastard''...!
:''[Ray shoots Patrick.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': ''[Laughs]'' Whatever happens now, I've won! When Jachin self-destructs, GENESIS will fire!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': The Earth will burn! And the cries of the victims will ignite battle anew!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Patrick Zala''': ''[to Athrun, as he is dying]'' Fire Genesis... we must... make the... world... ours... 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': This will be a day of reckoning for everyone!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': Stop running! The hardest battle is to keep living!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': This world is still worth protecting!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': What are we? What'll happen... now that we've come through to this time and space...? This is... our world...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''OVA &quot;In the Valley of Stars&quot;'' ===

:'''Lacus Clyne''': ''[referring to the beliefs of others]'' If you don't trust your enemy, then don't lower your gun.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

== Gundam SEED Destiny ==
=== ''PHASE-01 &quot;Angry Eyes&quot;'' ===

:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': Please do me a favor and stop calling me &quot;princess.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': But still too much strength will only invite another war.
:'''[[w:Gilbert Durandal|Gilbert Durandal]]''': No, princess. Power is a necessity because there will always be conflict

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Shinn Asuka|Shinn Asuka]]''': Why is this happening? Are you trying to start another one? Another war?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-02 &quot;Those Who Call for War&quot;'' ===

:'''[[w:Auel Neider|Auel Neider]]''': Should we take along its head as a souvenir? Now that would be one hell of a cool present!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Auel Neider''': Then I guess you'll just have to ''die'' here! I'll tell Neo your last words, all she said was &quot;Goodbye!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Stella Loussier|Stella Loussier]]''': I'm not dead... everything is all right, Stella, isn't it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''PHASE-03 &quot;Warning Shots&quot;'' ===

:'''Shinn Asuka''': Making excuses has always been a specialty of the Athhas, hasn't it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Gilbert Durandal''': A name reflects its owner's nature. But, what if a name is merely a fake? If something goes by a false name, wouldn't it mean that thing is fake? False by nature? Is that what it would mean? Alex... or is it Athrun Zala?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Mu La Flaga#Neo Roanoke|Neo Roanoke]]''': We don't want to lose what we have by being greedy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Neo Roanoke''': The day is coming when everything will begin for real... and we'll be the ones in charge.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-04 &quot;Stardust Battlefield&quot;'' ===

:''[Regarding Rey Za Burrel's Blaze ZAKU Phantom.]''
:'''Neo Roanoke''': You're something else, aren't you, White Baldy?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Lunamaria Hawke|Lunamaria Hawke]]''': You're starting to sound like Rey. It's throwing me off!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Neo Roanoke''': We had them on the ropes, now they're back in the game.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Neo Roanoke''': I suppose this is goodbye, but I look forward to our next encounter. Farewell for now, White Baldy and your little friends.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-05 &quot;Scars That Won't Heal&quot;'' ===
:'''Athrun Zala''': You seem to have some kind of grudge against Orb; may I ask why? I thought you used to live there. If you're looking for some kind of trivial excuse to drag the Representative into an irrelevant fight, I won't stand for it.
:'''Shinn Asuka''': ''Trivial!?'' I won't let anyone call it trivial! And you're wrong about it being irrelevant too! I lost my entire family because of the Athhas. They believed in the nation, and they believed in your so-called ideals. And in the end, they were all killed at Onogoro. ''[Turns toward Cagalli]'' That's why I will never believe a word that you say. I'll never believe in Orb. I'll never believe any of your self-serving lies again. When you said you were going to uphold justice, did you ever stop and think of the innocents? Of how many people would die because you insisted on following through your values to the bitter end? I wish people who didn't understand stuff wouldn't talk about things as if they did.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Sato''': Now fall, our great tombstone! On a world that has forgotten the voices of sorrow! That closes its eyes and chooses to wallow in deceit! The hour of correction is now at hand!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Lord Djibril|Lord Djibril]]''': Regardless of the cause, no one can deny that very soon, one stupid, clumsy object up in the sky is going to come crashing down on our heads. It's a humiliation! A shame! Think of how this looks. Because of that cursed thing, we all run around looking scared and spineless. Somebody must pay for this disgrace But who? Why, who else but the Coordinators who put that thing in space in the first place.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-06 &quot;The End of the World&quot;'' ===

:'''Sato''': You're nothing but pests. It's gone too far! No one can stop the inevitable now!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Athrun Zala''': You haven't changed a bit, Yzak.
:'''Yzak Joule''': Yeah, well, neither have you!
:'''Dearka Elsman''': There they go...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Yzak Joule''': Shut up! I'm the one in command here. Stop giving orders, you damn civilian!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Sato''': Have you forgotten the innocent lives thrown away here!? You're living in a damn dreamworld laughing with the butchers who caused this, you bastards! The cowardly successors of Clyne have deceived us; they have corrupted and weakened ZAFT. Can't you see that!? Patrick Zala knew it all along; the only true path for Coordinators was the one that he had chosen for us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Sato''': They'll suffer this time! The Naturals will feel our wrath!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Talia Gladys|Talia Gladys]]''': We have to make a decision as to which lives we can afford to lose. Who we can save... and who we cannot.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-07 &quot;Land of Confusion&quot;'' ===

:'''Lunamaria Hawke''': Look, the truth is, all of us here know who you are and what you have done. Formerly a ZAFT Red with the Le Creuset Team, in the final stages of the war, you defeated the seemingly unstoppable Strike. After that, you were assigned to the national committee's special forces FAITH Team. Then they made you the pilot of the ZGMF-X09A Justice. Your name is Athrun Zala.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Athrun Zala''': Only a handful of people were responsible for this, but that doesn't matter. all anyone will remember is that they were Coordinators. You think they'll be quick to forgive?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lord Djibril''': I swear this time we shall send those bastards to their deaths. For the preservation of our blue and pure world!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''PHASE-08 &quot;Junction&quot;'' ===

:'''[[w:Yuna Roma Seiran|Yuna Roma Seiran]]''': We fully understand that, but what do we say to the tens of millions of people affected by this calamity? Do we say, &quot;Yes, we know you're suffering, but please forgive them because Earth was saved&quot;? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Shinn Asuka''': Perhaps it means that I can't be fooled. No matter how beautiful the flowers are, people will just wipe them out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''PHASE-09 &quot;Bared Fangs&quot;'' ===
:'''ZAFT Green Coat''': ''[Noticing the Earth Forces' nukes]'' Bastards!

=== ''PHASE-10 &quot;A Father's Spell&quot;'' ===

:'''[[w:Meer Campbell|Meer Campbell]]''': I'm just Meer. Nobody really needs me. But I don't mind if it's just for now. I'm game.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Athrun Zala''': We cannot allow ourselves to exchange blows base on just anger and hatred alone. If we were to exchange blows for those reasons alone, the world will once again become a pointless battlefield! I beg of you... Please don't let that happen! 
:'''Gilbert Durandal''': Alex... 
:'''Athrun Zala''': My name... my name is Athrun Zala. I am the son of Patrick Zala, the man who fanned the flames of war and poisoned the whole world with his hatred. I believed what my father said. I fought in the war, I killed the enemy, I fought my best friend... and even when I realized how wrong he was, I couldn't stop him and I lost everything.
:'''Gilbert Durandal''': Athrun.
:'''Athrun Zala''': There's no way I can let this happen again!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

:'''Gilbert Durandal''': But the things you are capable of doing, and the things you want to do... You should be the one who is most aware of the answers to those. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
=== ''PHASE-11 &quot;The Chosen Path&quot;'' ===

:'''Gilbert Durandal''': Though it was the adults who started this war, it was the young who actually fought it. And if we label those who made mistakes as criminals and punish them, then I ask you, where will the future leaders of the PLANTs come from? We should honor the young for their sacrifices and look to them to build a peaceful future.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Yzak Joule''': You have the ability. Why not put it to use?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Yuna Roma Seiran''': Little girl's playtime is over and done, Cagalli. Even though I'm sorry that this is all happening so fast, both you and I are Naturals. And ORB will ally with the Atlantic Federation. At any rate, it is impossible for you and that Coordinator boyfriend of yours to stay together. The worlds you live in are different. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Shinn Asuka''': If you've become our enemy, I will destroy this country... with my own hands.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Talia Gladys''': Do you want to throw gasoline on the fire?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Yuna Roma Seiran''': Politics is reality, not the ideal.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

:'''Dearka Elsman''': So, where do you want to go? 
:'''Yzak Joule''': And if you say shopping, I'm going to kill you! 
:'''Athrun Zala''': Not even close. I wanted to pay visit to the gravesites of Nicol and the others... Since I can't come to PLANT that often. That's why I thought that I'd like to go. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
=== ''PHASE-12 &quot;Blood in the Water&quot;'' ===

:'''Yuna Roma Seiran''': This country isn't your plaything! Will you stop making decisions based on how you feel?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Captain Todaka''': They want us to side with the army that invaded us and fire on a ship that fought heroically to save Earth. I believe the appropriate word here is &quot;ungrateful.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Captain Todaka''': Hell if I care. I'm not a politician.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Shinn Asuka''': ''[activating his SEED mode for the first time]'' I won't let it end like this!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-13 &quot;Resurrected Wings&quot;'' ===

:'''[[w:Rey Za Burrel|Rey Za Burrel]]''': Being alive is a gift, the most valuable of all because it means there will be a tomorrow.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Andrew Waltfeld''': Lacus. You have the keys, don't you? We'll open the door. There's no choice. Or do you think it'd be better for everyone here to die obediently? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''PHASE-14 &quot;Flight to Tomorrow&quot;'' ===
:'''Kira Yamato''': ''[[after rescuing Cagalli]''Wow, this is a pretty amazing dress.
:'''Cagali Yula Athha''': Shut It!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Captain Todaka''': I'm counting on you, ''Archangel''. Take good care of Lady Cagalli... and the future of our world.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-15 &quot;Return to the Battlefield&quot;'' ===
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': What were you people thinking? That was a very stupid move--kidnapping a country's head of state from her own wedding basically makes you international criminals!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Neo Roanoke''': Ah, we meet again. I found you, little puppy.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-16 &quot;Struggle in the Indian Ocean&quot;'' ===

:'''Auel Neider''': You don't think that's gonna hit me, do you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Sting Oakley|Sting Oakley]]''': Come on! Show me what you got, newbie. Let's have some fun.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:[Auel Neider has just fired on the ''Nyiragongo'']
:'''Nyiragongo Captain''': Hard to port! Engines at maximum! Evade!
:'''Nyiragongo Crewmate''': Too late, sir! We're finished!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Shinn Asuka''': If you want to hit me, go right ahead! But I don't give a damn! I didn't do anything wrong back there; all I did was help those people in that base!
:''[Athrun hits Shinn again]''
:'''Athrun Zala''': War is not some game to play the hero. Stop making decisions to please yourself. If you have all this power, take responsibility for it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-17 &quot;A Soldier's Qualification&quot;'' ===

:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': We can't keep hiding at the bottom of the sea like a bunch of oysters in their shells.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Andrew Waltfeld''': Well, you could say that tricking people is what politics is all about.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Yolant Kent''': Y'know, it wouldn't be all that hard to remove a couple of circuits from the Saviour......
:'''Athrun Zala''': I can still hear you, ya know.
:'''Yolant Kent and Vino Dupre''': AHHH! 
:'''Athrun Zala''': And everything you said earlier.
:'''Yolant Kent and Vino Dupre''': Sorry, sir!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Athrun Zala''': Anyone who has ever wept because they felt weak or powerless has always had those kinds of thoughts. Oh, yes. But the moment you acquire all that power you dreamt of, you become the one who causes others to weep tears of loss. Never forget that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-18 &quot;Attack the Lohengrin!&quot;'' ===

:''[After Lunamaria congratulates Athrun on his handling of Shinn, Athrun enters an elevator and closes the door]''
:'''Lunamaria Hawke''': Did he just brush me off?
:'''Rey Za Burrel''': Um... beats me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Shinn Asuka''': To hell with that bastard and his &quot;I think you got what it takes&quot; crap! He just didn't want to fly this stupid maze himself!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Athrun Zala''': You know, when you thought yourself 'If only I have the power! I need more power!' Anyone who's ever wept because they felt weak and powerless, has had those kind of thoughts. Yes! But the moment you acquire all that power you dreamed of, you become the one who causes others to wept tears of loss. Just try not to forget that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-19 &quot;The Hidden Truth&quot;'' === 

:'''Sting Oakley''': We don't need to understand the big picture. The goals of this war don't matter to us. What's important is what we can do for them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''PHASE-20 &quot;Past&quot;'' ===

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''PHASE-21 &quot;Roaming Eyes&quot;'' ===

:'''Shinn Asuka''': Do you want to die, you twit!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Stella Loussier''': Shinn... you said you'd protect me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''PHASE-22 &quot;The Sword of the Azure Skies&quot;'' ===

:'''Lord Djibril''': There were embers out there primed to flare up and destroy the Coordinators, and I added fuel to them. Now you're telling me you're putting that fire out!? When all is said and done, the weak will always have to conform to the views of the powerful! The victorious are the righteous ones!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Heine Westenfluss|Heine Westenfluss]]''': I just don't think it's a very good idea to build walls of that nature between you and your fellow soldiers, Athrun. When we're out on the battlefield, all of us ZAFT mobile suit pilots are the same, right? Regardless of whether we're FAITH, red uniforms, or green uniforms. We're nothing like the Earth Forces who seem incapable of fighting except in huge groups under orders.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Heine Westenfluss''': Stop worrying! You have to concentrate. We're in the middle of a war and we're soldiers. If you forget, you'll die.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''PHASE-23 &quot;The Shadow of War&quot;'' ===

:'''Yuna Roma Seiran''': We can't just turn around and say, &quot;Sorry, we quit.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Heine Westenfluss''': This is no ZAKU, pal! No ZAKU!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Uzumi Nara Athha''' (Cagalli's flashback): We vow not to attack another nation, not to allow another nation to attack us, and not to intervene in the conflicts of other nations. We of Orb have been able to mantain these ideals in a era of sweeping changes, because we belive that it is the framework we human beings call a nation. Like-minded indiviuals gathered together in the spirit of harmony. As we face the present sitiuation, I still belive this to be true. The Earth Forces are threatening to attack us unless we join their camp; however, in light of our beliefs, we can not comply to their demands. For to accept that would be to accept the invasion of the most essential principles of Orb, no, the most important principles of humanity itself. The Earth forces vow to attack us if we do not flow the line and fall in with them; however, we can not submit to their ultimatum. For if we agree to join them, then the day would come when we as a country would be forced to fight against other contries, other nations, whose only crime is that they are enemies of the Earth forces. We will not allow another nation to attack us. This is integral to Orb's ideals and we will defend then until the very end, but unfortunately my fellow citizens, the threat is at our very door.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Heine Westenfluss''': Attacking all of us!? What the hell makes you so special!?

=== ''PHASE-24 &quot;Crossing Glances&quot;'' ===

=== ''PHASE-25 &quot;The Place of Sin&quot;'' ===

:'''Shinn Asuka''': This is crazy! It's unbelievable! They go on about Coordinators being a mistake and a crime against nature, and then they create these!? 
:'''Athrun Zala''': Shinn...
:'''Shinn Asuka''': How the hell can they say tinkering with genes is wrong when they are doing things like this!?
:'''Athrun Zala''': I couldn't agree more.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Auel Neider''': Calm down!? How do you expect me to calm down!? That lab is the place where my mother... m-mother... she's still there.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': But Athrun, I understand what you're saying, but we don't want you fighting against Orb even with things the way they are now... and actually not only Orb, because Athrun, what is lost in pointless battle is gone and never returned.
:'''Athrun Zala''': I've had enough of your sanctimonious talk. You think you've got all the answers!? Or have you forgotten all the lives you've personally taken!?
:'''Kira Yamato''': Yes, I know; and that's why I'm so sick and tired of all of it.
:'''Athrun Zala''': Kira...
:'''Kira Yamato''': I don't want to kill any more, and I will not let others kill.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kira Yamato''': If that's the case you've told us that you've gone and joined the ZAFT Forces again whats the next step? You were looking for us weren't you?
:'''Cagali Yula Athha''': Kira I don't think....
:''' Athrun Zala''': Because I wanna stop you from doing something like that again, I understand about the Junius 7 Incident but ever since then the Earth forces are completely to blame for this fiasco. Even so the PLANTs are making every effort to bring this foolishness to an end and the you guys show up and confuse the situation even further!
:'''Kira Yamato''': Are you sure about that, and that other Lacus Clyne? Whats the story with that other Lacus up in the Plants?, Maybe you can tell me why a squad of Coordinators showed up and tried to kill the real Lacus, Who in the world would want to have Lacus killed and for what reason? Until I have a clear answer to those questions I'm not trusting the PLANTs.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-26 &quot;Promise&quot;'' ===

:'''Andrew Waltfeld''': We got here early because we are in a hurry. And that's why we need ''you'' to hurry. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''PHASE-27 &quot;Unreachable Feelings&quot;'' ===

:'''Lord Djibril''': I'm not a man who likes to dwell on the past. However, I'm also not one to tolerate ''repeated'' failures.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lord Djibril''': The common masses are utter fools. They fail to give the future any thought at all. They raise whatever is most convenient to them at the drop of a hat.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Neo Roanoke''': I know you're not here to take your revenge, Stella. But this is the day we send that ship to hell.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''PHASE-28 &quot;Survivors and Sacrifices&quot;'' ===

:'''Shinn Asuka''': Why do you keep making... these pathetic excuses?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': Orb should never fight like this. Don't be a slave to the Earth Forces!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Talia Gladys''': Even though that ship may not mean us any direct ill will, we suffered extensive damage because of its intervention last time. All hands are to consider that ship hostile.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Auel Neider''': I'm sick and tired of looking at that face! Today I'll gut you like a fish.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Sting Oakley''': Hey, hey, were you asleep or something? Stop running away!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Captain Todaka''': ''[To Yuna]'' A real battle is far different from those games you're so good at. It's not as easy as you seem to think.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Neo Roanoke''': ''[After witnessing the Abyss Gundam's explosion]'' Auel...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lieutenant Baba''': Today you will see our tears... and our determination!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Captain Todaka''': I will try to carry out your order to destroy the ''Minerva'' to the very end. I will take the blame for the ships and soldiers that we lost today. With this action, Orb's bravery will be unquestioned. The whole world will learn what we did here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Captain Todaka''': If you're so eager to lay down your life, then gather everyone who feels the same and go to the ''Archangel''. One day I know they'll find the right path.
:'''Lieutenant Amagi''': Captain Todaka...
:'''Captain Todaka''': Please do this. For me, and all those who gave their lives pointlessly today.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': I know what you're saying... I know what you're saying, but it doesn't matter. Because at this moment, Cagalli is crying her heart out. She's crying because all of this is exactly what she feared. Why won't you understand that? And now, are you telling me that this battle... these terrible sacrifices... they can't be helped!? That all of this is the fault of Orb and Cagalli? If you are saying that, then you are attacking the very thing that Cagalli is trying to save!
:'''Athrun Zala''': ''[Athrun is shocked by Kira's words]'' No, Kira... I...
:'''Kira Yamato''': Then I have no choice. I must defeat you! ''[Kira enters SEED mode]''
:''[They confront each other and the Freedom demolishes the Savior, leaving only the cockpit intact.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-29 &quot;FATES&quot;'' ===

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': All things are born into this world... and eventually they die. That is the pure and simple truth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': A path not chosen is the same as a path that never existed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': No matter how much we look back at the past, we never go back. We can not change what has already happened.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': People like you walk a path thinking something you desire is waiting for you. I walk to confirm there is ''nothing'' there.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': But then what is hope? That all of your wishes and all of your dreams come true? To have your prayers answered? To turn back time because things weren't supposed to happen like that? Could you say with absolute certainty that you would not make the same mistake again? Who decided all this, and what's been decided? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-30 &quot;Ephemeral Dream&quot;'' ===

:'''Rey Za Burrel''': Whatever her life is like, I'm sure she'd like to live if given the chance.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rey Za Burrel''': All life, no matter how difficult, is worth living.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Neo Roanoke''': Even if it's a trap, you have to trigger it to know what's going on.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Neo Roanoke''': &quot;What are we fighting for?&quot;... we'll be jeopardized if we start to think about this kind of thing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''PHASE-31 &quot;The Neverending Night&quot;'' ===

:'''Shinn Asuka''': I guess this just goes to show that you don't know everything after all. Later.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rey Za Burrel''': What's in the past is in the past, and no one knows what the future holds. So it's hopeless to discuss either. All you can do is wait and hope for tomorrow.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lord Djibril''': You have to cut off diseased limbs quickly before the rot spreads.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': I just wish we're not the fools here. That we're not the ones making mistakes.
:'''Murrue Ramius''': Oh, Kira. For my part, I don't think there's anything foolish or mistaken about trying to protect the people who are important to you. We can't be sure about what's best for the entire world, but I believe, we love this world as much as we do, because of the people we love, who are in it. 
:'''Kira Yamato''': Ms. Murrue.
:'''Murrue Ramius''': I think everyones the same. That's why they struggle, and that's why they fight. But there are times when their methods, or rather our thoughts are different when it comes to achieving these things. Even though the world is what it is because of those we love.

=== ''PHASE-32 &quot;Stella&quot;'' ===

:'''Lord Djibril''': Wherever there is a ZAFT presence, we'll torch everything in sight. Anyone suspect of being intimate with them needs to be taught the lesson again. They need to remember that Naturals and Coordinators are different. And anyone who betrays that fact will find they've bought a one-way ticket to Hell.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Sting Oakley''': A mobile suit's performance doesn't decide who is strongest! I'll defeat you myself!!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': What are you trying to do!? Be a sitting duck!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-33 &quot;Revelation of the World&quot;'' ===

:'''Shinn Asuka''': It's all right now, Stella. You don't have to be afraid any more. You no longer have to suffer. You're free. Nothing will ever scare you again. Don't worry. It's all over. You can rest here in peace. Good night. I said I'd protect her. I said... I said I'd protect her. Stella! I'm sorry!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Murrue Ramius''': ''[Regarding Neo]'' This person is... Mu La Flaga. But... only in body.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Chief Murdoch''': But he's definitely the Commander, right?
:'''Kira Yamato''': Yeah.
:'''Neo Roanoke''': That's funny. When did I become a commander? I already made it clear to you that I'm a captain. I'm your prisoner, but that doesn't mean you can ''demote'' me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Neo Roanoke''': [to Murrue] What? Did you fall in love with me at first sight, Miss Beautiful?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Shinn Asuka''': Never mind, Rey. Advice from someone who lost a battle is no good to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-34 &quot;Nightmare&quot;'' ===
:'''Shinn Asuka:''' ''[To Kira]'' You are not going to get away from me. You were the one who killed Stella! Even though I tried to stop you!&lt;br&gt;
:'''Shinn Asuka:''' ''[To Kira]'' I'm the one who's gonna defeat you! ''Right here, right now!''


:'''Shinn Asuka''': ''[laughing after defeating the Freedom]'' I did it, Stella. I can finally...

:'''Athrun Zala''': KIRA!!!!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-35 &quot;End of Chaos &quot;'' ===
:'''ZAFT Recruit 1''': ''[to Shinn]'', are you the one took down the Freedom?
:'''Shinn Asuka''': Yep!
:'''ZAFT Recruit 2''': You deserve another medal for that
:'''Rey Za Burrel''': Shinn, congratulations

:'''Shinn Asuka''': ''[To Athrun]'' I took revenge today... for you, too. ''[Athrun grabs Shinn by the collar dropping the latter's helmet in the process]'' What are you doing?
:'''Lunamaria Hawke''': No, Athrun, Shinn.

:'''Athrun Zala''': You bastard! Kira wasn't even trying to kill you. He was just... he was just... But you, you took revenge on him?
:'''Shinn Asuka''': I have no idea what you're talking about (Athrun), let go of me.
:'''Athrun Zala''': Does it make you happy that you shot him down? Does it make you proud?!? What was the point, huh?

:'''Shinn Asuka''': And why shouldn't I be happy? I have beaten a powerful enemy. Why shouldn't I feel good about that? Tell me, what would I feel, should I be crying like a baby? Should I be praying? Or maybe it would be better if I died out there, is that what you want?
:'''Athrun Zala''': Shinn! ''[Punches Shinn in the face]''
:'''Shinn Asuka''': Why you... ''[About to charge Athrun but is restrained by one of his comrades]''
:'''Rey Za Burrel''': Athrun, please show some restraint. Athrun, I understand that Shinn has a problem with his attitude. &lt;!--To be continued--&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Athrun Zala''': Kira and the Archangel they are not our enemies.
:'''Shinn Asuka''': What are you talking about? Of course...
:'''Rey Za Burrel''': They're enemies. I have no idea what their intentions were. But if our nation says they're enemies, they are.

:'''Neo Roanoke''': ''[To Murrue]'' This &quot;Mu La Flaga&quot;, who is he to you?

=== ''PHASE-36 &quot;Athrun on the Run&quot;'' ===

:'''Meer Campbell''': Athrun! Athrun, how come?
:'''Athrun Zala''': The chairman only wants people who will play the roles he assigned them.
:'''Meer Campbell''': What?
:'''Athrun Zala''': He wants a Lacus he can use, and he wants me to be a pet mobile suit pilot. You're useful to him now, but he's not going to need you forever. And when he's finished with you, he's gonna have you killed. You must come with me!
:'''Meer Campbell''': But I'm... I'm Lacus Clyne.
:'''Athrun Zala''': Meer!
:'''Meer Campbell''': No! I ''am'' Lacus Clyne. I'm Lacus! I'd rather be her!
:'''Athrun Zala''': You're not...
:'''Meer Campbell''': I don't care if it's a only a role! As long as I... as long as I play it right! What's wrong with that kind of life anyway? We can still go back, Athrun. Come on. It'll be okay.

:'''Rey Za Burrel''': I see you've chosen to run away. ''Again!''&lt;br&gt;
:'''Athrun Zala''': Rey!&lt;br&gt;
:'''Rey Za Burrel''': This is unforgiveable! You've betrayed Gilbert's trust!&lt;br&gt;
:''[Rey fires his gun at Athrun and Meyrin.]''
:'''Athrun Zala''': Stop firing Rey! Meyrin's here!&lt;br&gt;
:''[Rey doesn't listen and keeps shooting at them.]''&lt;br&gt;
:'''Ray Za Burrel''': Shinn! Get the Destiny and the Legend prepared for launch!&lt;br&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-37 &quot;The Darkness of Thunder&quot;'' ===
'''Shinn Asuka''': (to Athrun) This is all your fault! Because you... YOU BETRAYED US!!!

=== ''PHASE-38 &quot;A New Flag&quot;'' ===

:'''Lord Djibril''': It is okay to blame, it is okay to have ideals too... Well, everything is pointless if you don't win it. It has been decided since the ancient times that the victor wins it all.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''PHASE-39 &quot;Kira of the Skies&quot;'' ===

:'''Andrew Waltfeld''': [Reading Durandal's Journal]People are not born for the world's sake. Only places where there are people are called the &quot;world.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': Thanks, Lacus. With this new machine, I can fight properly. The way I know how.
:'''Lacus Clyne''': Kira...
:'''Kira Yamato''': Wait here. I'll be right back. And then we'll return... back to our friends.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


=== ''PHASE-40 &quot;Legacy Of Gold&quot;'' ===

:'''Uzumi Nara Athha''': ''[on a recorded message.]'' If the day should come when you wish for power. I will send this to you in response to your emergency.There were many things that I could not teach you. But as long as you strive to learn, you should be able to obtain those things from the people who love and support you.Therefore I will send this and this alone. Although it is foolish to wish for only more power, It is also foolish to balk at power as a reckless thing.  If you are in need of a sword to protect others, take this now. If it is for the sake of doing what you have determined you must do of your own free will. But what your father truly wishes for is that the day you have to listen to this never comes. Although this wish may not reach you as you have opened this door. Please live happily, Cagalli.
:'''Cagali Yula Athha''': The Akatsuki?.....Yes
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-41 &quot;Refrain&quot;'' ===

=== ''PHASE-42 &quot;Freedom and Justice&quot;'' ===

:'''Neo Roanoke''': Sorry for that intrusion, but I have a score to settle with the ''Minerva''. Don't worry, you can win this. After all, I'm the man who can make the impossible possible.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': Wanting to help out, but not being able to could be the worst thing to happen...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lacus Clyne''': It's scary when someone closes their mind. That is it. That's all there is. They only see an end.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lacus Clyne''': Power is whatever one makes of it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-43 &quot;A Call Of Counterattack&quot;'' ===

:'''Neo Roanoke''': ''[to Murrue]'' I think that maybe... I know you. Yes... I know you. My body knows. My eyes, my ears, my arms... And that's why I couldn't just fly off. I think I know how hard it's been for you. It's been hard for me too. I would like... to stay right here, with you, by your side.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kira Yamato''': ''[while seeing the Legend]'' That's not his (Mobile Suit). ''[referring to Rau Le Creuset which made Kira remember a flashback of the Providence Gundam]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Athrun Zala''': You can't just fight without knowing the true reason behind your anger!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Athrun Zala''': Know what you're fighting for. Fighting for its own sake is pointless. Understand why you are so angry.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-44 &quot;Lacus Times Two&quot;'' ===

:'''Rey Za Burrel''': Everyone seems to be so concerned about the question of truth. But why? Why are people always concerned with it? Is the true always right, and the false always wrong?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Talia Gladys''': I'm also confused by it. However, the only thing I know is that our commander is not Lacus Clyne. We are not acting according to her orders.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lord Djibril''': And now, Chairman Durandal, I shall play... ''A REQUIEM FOR YOU AND ALL YOUR KIND!!''
:[''Djibril fires the Requiem Cannon, destroying several PLANTs'']

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-45 &quot;Prelude to a Revolution&quot;'' ===

:[''After Rey kills Djibril during his escape attempt'']
:'''Gilbert Durandal:''' Thank you, Djibril. Goodbye, and good riddance.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-46 &quot;The Song of Truth&quot;'' ===

:'''Lacus Clyne''': If it's my name you want, you may have it. Take it all. But even then... you and I will still be different people, and that cannot be changed. None of us can be anything other than ourselves. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-47 &quot;Meer&quot;'' ===

:'''Meer Campbell''': I'm Lacus. Because I am, aren't I!? Because my voice and face are the same! What's wrong with that!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:Why did it turn out like this? Even if we think about it, we already know it is meaningless, yet my heart is wandering in search for it. We experienced a devastating war not too long ago, and we swore at that time that we would never repeat such catastrophes again. And yet, Junius-7 has fallen, our efforts were in vain, and hostilities have opened up once again. The war has spread without any protest, and we have gained the same sadness and pain once again.

:Honestly, what is the meaning of the foolish repetition of a tragedy? For once, as I have mentioned in the past, the cause was definitely due to the existence of Logos. Those who fabricated false enemies, stirred fear into the hearts and minds of the innocent, and made people fight against one another, while reaping the ill-received gains of war. Those behind the scenes fueled this conflict with disastrous results, leading to the deaths of countless individuals; these people deserve to be named “The Merchants of Death”. We, after this long struggle have triumphed and defeated them. That is why I dare to address this... that we have to fight an enemy that has existed since the beginning of time. We have to overcome and release its influence it has on all of us.

:Everyone must be well aware of it by now; it is the reason why ever since man had the capacity to understand, conflicts never disappear from human history. Our greatest enemy is ever-present is the ignorance and desire within us that we can never keep subdued. We distanced ourselves from the violent Earth and took refuge in space, and now that we have achieved the physical and mental abilities we desired above all else, people still do not understand each other. They still do not understand themselves, and with fear blocking their judgment, people cannot see the future.

:As equals? No, with more riches and more enjoyment, the hand that grasps those evil desires within all of us... that is what we have become today: the seed of all conflicts. But the time has come to put an end to all this endless suffering. We have achieved a way to subdue all of that, and the only true answer is within us. All of mankind’s greatest questions are within all our bodies. With this, people will be able to understand their own, as well as others past and future. This is the only cure to prevent the infinite cycle of pain and suffering. As my final escort plan, with all of mankind’s future at stake, I hereby declare the execution of the Destiny Plan.

:&amp;mdash; Gilbert Dullindal's speech

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-48 &quot;To a New World&quot;'' ===

:'''Talia Gladys''': War is a part of politics, in which the whole picture cannot be read.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''PHASE-49 &quot;Rey&quot;'' ===

:'''Rey Za Burrel''': We are all born to this world as flawed children. So this time, we must end everything, in order not to let any more children like us be born again!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''FINAL PLUS: &quot;The Chosen Future&quot;'' ===

:'''Rey Za Burrel''': ''Kira Yamato...! You shouldn't have been allowed...'' [scene changes to that of Rau, two years ago] ''...to exist, boy!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lacus Clyne''': Orb is more important than us. Orb is the only thing left standing on in the way of their plan. If we lose Orb, we lose the world, we must protect it at all cost! So Athrun, Captain Ramius, please go. Now hurry
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shinn Asuka''': Rey! Freedom, you bastard!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

'''Rey Za Burrel''': Shinn, join forces with the Minerva, go after the Archangel. I will deal with the Freedom. &lt;br&gt;
'''Shinn Asuka''': No, Rey!&lt;br&gt;
'''Rey Za Burrel''':You take care of the Justice, and make sure you get that traitor. To everything that happened before.

:'''Shinn Asuka''': Yes, I understand!
:'''Rey Za Burrel''': That's right, the end is ahead... 
:'''Kira Yamato''': (seeing flashbacks of his final duel with Rau le Creuset) What's this? How is this possible?
:'''Rey Za Burrel''': This time for certain...
:'''Kira Yamato''': It can't be.
:'''Rey Za Burrel''': THE END OF EVERYTHING!

:'''Kira Yamato''': Who is that? Who are you?
:'''Rey Za Burrel''': (as Rau le Creuset) I'm sure you recognize me now... I am Rau le Creuset!
:'''Mu La Flaga''': They've got a lot of guys, yep. But you need more than just numbers!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Gilbert Dullindal''': I have to admit, it's amazing.
:'''Rau le Creuset''': ''[appearing as a ghost beside him]'' What is?
:'''Gilbert Dullindal''': The fights...the battles...the wars. People really love to fight, don't they?
:'''Rau le Creuset''': And how are ''you'' different?
:'''Gilbert Dullindal''': All I want is to win. Preferably without fighting.
:'''Rau le Creuset''': But you know, there are some things that you can't win.
:'''Gilbert Dullindal''': ''[thinks of Talia]'' Yes...I lost that day. Sometimes even when you fight, you can't win; an unobtainable victory. Then...why do people fight, even when death is inevitable? Why are we even born, for that matter?
:'''Rau le Creuset''': ''[laughs]'' Like I said before: they exist only to find out that reason. You probably don't like that answer, though.
:'''Gilbert Dullindal''': That's right. I'm sorry, but I'll have nothing to do with it; I will not be caught in an internal struggle, nor will I lose...like you did.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kira Yamato''': Rau le Creuset?
:'''Rey Za Burrel''': Mankind's dreams... mankind's future! You are the splendid result: Kira Yamato! And because of that, your existence must come to an end... you will disappear along with us...! ''For the sake of the new world that is to come!!''


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rey Za Burrel''': Gil, where's Rau?
:'''Gilbert Durandal''': Rau is no longer with us. But you are also Rau. That is your destiny

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Gilbert Dullindal''': ''[flashback]'' The one thing you cannot run away from is yourself.
:'''Rey Za Burrel''': ''[to Kira]'' And one thing you cannot recover is your past! That's why... we must put an end to all of this, to sweep everything away! So we shall  return what we were meant to be! Humanity... '' the world!!''
:'''Kira Yamato''': No, you're wrong! We all have just one life to live. This is your life you're living, not his!
[Kira then attacks Rey in burst mode destroying Legend in the process]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Athrun Zala''': Shinn, just stop it already, it's pointless now!
:'''Shinn Asuka''': Damn it! Why am I... I can't lose to you! Not to you!
:'''Athrun Zala''': You must stop fighting to change your past, you've got to move on!
:''[Shinn and Lunamaria are stunned by Athrun's words.]''
:'''Athrun Zala''': No matter what you do, you cannot bring them back! 
:''[Flashbacks of fallen comrades and families as Athrun emphasizes his point.]''
:'''Shinn Asuka''': How dare you?!
:'''Athrun Zala''': And now you're gonna destroy the future too? Is that it?!
:'''Shinn Asuka''': I understand. I understand that! But, that's exactly why the world has to change!! Also, that's why Orb must be destroyed!
:'''Lunamaria Hawke''': ''[Lunamaria is shocked and horrified by Shinn's destructive motives and remarks..]'' ''Shinn''...! 
:'''Athrun Zala''': Stop talking back to me in that nonsense! Destroying everything like this... and even killing the future...! Is this really the world you desired?! Or the power you desired?!
:''[Shinn reflects at his painful past]''
:'''Shinn Asuka''': It's not the same... ''it's not!''
:''[Shinn charges head on at Athrun, but Lunamaria jumps in between the two, trying to stop them fighting each other.]''
:'''Lunamaria Hawke''': Shinn, stop it already! Athrun, you too!
:''[Shinn wildly screams at seeing the ghosts of his past.]''
:'''Shinn Asuka''': Stella! Mayu! ''MAKE IT STOP!!!''
:''[Shinn continues to attack, to Lunamaria's shock. Athrun goes into Seed Mode, and shields Lunamaria from Shinn's attack.]''
:'''Athrun Zala''': You crazy bastard!!
:''[Athrun then cripples Shinn's Destiny Gundam, and Shinn screams in pain as he crashes upon the moon surface.]''
:'''Lunamaria Hawke''': Shinn!
:''[Lunamaria rushes to look after Shinn, as Athrun looks on with regret]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Athrun, Shinn, Lunamaria, Meyrin are present at the Orb War Memorial as Shinn lays flowers and pays to his deceased family]''
:'''Lunamaria Hawke''': Then, your parents don't have their graves at all?
:'''Shinn Asuka''': Yeah. There's only a small memorial for them.
:''[Athrun, Shinn, Lunamaria, Meyrin silently remember the dead, and sadly looks around the memorial, and Shinn grips Mayu's cell phone very hard in anguish and anger.]''
:'''Shinn Asuka''': I've been always hating this place... for a very long time. But, it's been always on my mind. This isn't used to be like this; it didn't look like this either. Maybe this means that no one should be deceived by what they see. No matter how beautiful the flowers are, people will always blow them away all over again. But this place... looking at this place, making me hate even more!
:'''Lunamaria Hawke''': Shinn...
::''[Athrun, Shinn, Lunamaria, Meyrin stands in silence, then Birdy flies in, followed by Kira and Lacus]''
:'''Athrun Zala''': Kira!
::(everyone else looks in surprise)
:: &quot;[Lacus lays flowers on the memorial as others stand by her]&quot;
:'''Kira Yamato''': You're all here, I guess?
:'''Athrun Zala''': Yeah...
::(Another silent moment passes by, and Athrun steps forward to introduce Kira to Shinn)
:'''Athrun Zala''': Shinn, this is Kira. Kira Yamato, the pilot of Freedom.
::(Both Shinn and Lunamaria are surprised with wide eyes, as Shinn remember meeting Kira not long time ago)
:'''Kira Yamato''': (Extends his hand to Shinn as a friendly gesture.) Won't you accept it?
::(After a brief hesitation, Shinn return his hand and gives Kira handshake.)
:'''Shinn Asuka''': Ummm... I... I'm so...
:'''Kira Yamato''': No matter how many times people try to blow away the flowers, we'll always replant them back. I'm sure of it.
::(Shinn open his eye wide in apprehension)
:'''Shinn Asuka''': Umm... Yeah...
:'''Athrun Zala''': That's exacly our fight.
:'''Kira Yamato''': Let's fight together, okay?
::(After brief moment, Shinn shakes Kira's hands with tears on his face)
:'''Shinn Asuka''': Yeah! 
'':Next Ninja''

== Gundam SEED C.E. 73 Stargazer ==


=== ''Stage 02'' ===

:'''Mudie Holcroft''': My teacher once said, &quot;The only good Coordinator is a dead Coordinator.&quot;

:'''Sol Ryuune L'ange''': Edmond said this before, right? &quot;Look up and move on. Because you'll become jealous or frightened if you look to your sides or below you. The one who looks up. The one who'll look at the stars beyond. Stargazer.&quot;

=== ''Stage 03'' ===

== Gundam SEED Destiny Special Edition 1-4 ==
:'''Kira Yamato''': Right now, it's the only option we have. We all wanna do something to help, and really, none of us are sure if this is the best way to help out. But we can't just give up now, can we. And knowing something's not right but doing nothing about it is just as bad. We know what that will bring. I think we know all too well. That's why we have to go: to prevent history from repeating itself.

:'''Athrun Zala''': In battle, your forces must use only enough power to cause the enemy to lose the will to fight, eliminating the threat with the least amount of damage. Anything less, and your forces will lose. Anything more, and newer different difficulties will arise. The problem lies in the fact that on the battlefield, there are many who understand this.. and many who don't. 

:'''Athrun Zala''': Thou may freely eat off every tree in the garden, but never touch the tree that grants the knowledge of good and evil. For the day that thou eatest thereof, thou shall surely die. But the serpent, who was the most cunning of all the creatures brought forth at that time, had this to say, &quot;Ye shall not die, for God doth know that the day ye eat thereof, thine eye shall be opened. Ye will know of good and evil, and ye shall be as God is.&quot; And that God knows that fact. And so it is said that the first humans ate of the fruit.

:'''Athrun Zala''': It was as if I was in the middle of a nightmare. Why do we keep fighting like that? Why do we have to fight? About things I thought I knew, with a friend I thought I knew, but now, bit by bit, piece by piece, things are once again falling apart. There's what we can do, and what we should do. It felt like even those words were beginning to fade away into nothingness. 

:'''Athrun Zala''': Everyone was hurting. Everything that's happened. Is it the price we have to pay for what we've done? All of us hope for the same thing. We wanted a world with no war, a world in which this tragedy would never occur again. But with the path we're on right now, it seems that if we choose that dream, it will only come at the cost of everything we have. Given the situation, will people be able to keep their hopes alive? Was this really the only path open to us? We know how to say no, but it was as if the words we're looking for, keep fading into the distance, lost in the hazy skies of war. 

:'''Kira Yamato''': We take things for granted when times are peaceful, and we quickly forget. But moments like this, are among the happiest of life. 

:'''Athrun Zala''': Eventually everyone learns. Like the first person did, about good and evil. Now the fear was, that they'd reach out for the fruit from the tree of life, and live forever. As a result, people were punished, and exiled from paradise and eternal happiness. Could this be the reason why humanity is forever stretching their arms out? Searching for the garden they lost in the distant past, forbidden from ever returning to it? But time only flows one way, that's why I believe that what we're really searching for still lies ahead. Somewhere in our future, though there may not be a tree of life, I'd like to think that some day we will fashion a garden with our own hands. One where we can live in peace and in happiness. 
== External Links ==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:Anime and manga series]]
[[Category:Gundam]]
[[Category:Japanese TV shows]]</text>
      <sha1>cfs7vefo5d1pcdqi9f4lost54bhyn34</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3148040</id>
      <parentid>3148039</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T08:55:11Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2400:AC40:610:37B2:F483:C47D:2C53:125D</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Ninja Warrior Live and Origin Of Military Shinobi</comment>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="116234" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:Gundam Seed|Gundam Seed]]''''' is a &quot;alternate universe&quot; storyline in the Gundam metaseries. It has been noted for extremely sharp-looking mechanical designs, numerous character monologues which keep the series true to the &quot;unglamourous war&quot; message of the first series, and its rising popularity. It is also the first &quot;alternate universe&quot; storyline in the Gundam franchise to spawn a true sequel, Gundam Seed Destiny To Threequel Gundam Seed Destiny Ninja Returned Cosmic Era 82 .

__TOC__

== Gundam SEED ==
=== ''PHASE-01 &quot;False Peace&quot;'' ===

:'''Narrator''': Year 70 of the Cosmic Era. Tensions between the PLANTs and Earth were at an all time high since the conflict began. It was first assumed that the Earth forces, with their superior numbers would be victorius, but these initial assessments proved to be false.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

:'''[[w:Miriallia Haw|Miriallia Haw]]''': Kaohsiung isn't that far away, is it? Will the homeland be all right?
:'''[[w:Tolle Koenig|Tolle Koenig]]''': Sure. There's no need to worry. Although they're close, we're a neutral entity. It's unthinkable for Orb to become a battlefield.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

:''[Flashback]
:'''[[w:Athrun Zala|Athrun Zala]]''': The PLANTs and Earth WILL see eye to eye. You'll join me in the PLANTs too, right Kira?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

:'''[[w:Mu La Flaga|Mu La Flaga]]''': What's the status on ZAFT vessels in the vicinity? 
:'''Captain''': We traced two vessels, but don't worry. They can't do a thing once we're docked.
:'''Mu La Flaga''': Because it's a neutral nation? What a joke.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

:'''[[w:Rau Le Creuset|Rau Le Creuset]]''': Don't look so disappointed, Ades.
:'''Captain Ades''': Well, I guess it won't be too late if we wait 'til we hear back from the council.
:'''Rau Le Creuset''': It ''will'' be too late. I have a sixth sense about these things. If we let things slip now, we would eventually have to pay for those actions with our lives. The Earth Forces' new model mobile weapons... we must seize them before they're moved from there.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

:'''Tolle Koenig''': Sai wrote her a letter? To Flay Allster? Looks like you got some competition, Kira Yamato.
:'''[[w:Kira Yamato|Kira Yamato]]''': But I'm not really...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

:'''[[w:Natarle Badgiruel|Natarle Badgiruel]]''': This place is so peaceful... Just think, there are people their age already fighting on the front line.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

:'''[[w:Yzak Joule|Yzak Joule]]''': That's it. It's just like Commander Le Creuset said.
:'''[[w:Dearka Elsman|Dearka Elsman]]''': What? With the right amount of prodding, they're sure to come out of their hole?
:'''Yzak Joule''': After all, the Naturals are stupid and pathetic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': You're... a girl?
:'''[[w:Cagalli Yula Athha|Cagalli Yula Athha]]''': What did you think I was?! Let's hear it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': I knew it. The Earth Forces' new mobile weapons. Father, I knew you'd betray us all!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-02 &quot;Its Name: Gundam&quot;'' ===
:''[Kira falls face first into Murrue's chest as she struggled to pilot a Gundam.]''
:'''[[w:Murrue Ramius|Murrue Ramius]]''': Get out of my way! Do you want to die?
:'''Kira Yamato''': I'm sorry!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Miguel Aiman|Miguel Aiman]]''': It doesn't matter how good your armor is... if you can barely move!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Miguel Aiman''': Trying to pilot that mobile suit? You're in way over your head, Natural!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Miguel Aiman''': Damn piece of Earth trash!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': It seems we have an unforseen problem; a rather annoying fly buzzing around.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': Tell me, do you feel my presence? Do you sense it the same way that I sense yours? A rather unfortunate twist of fate, wouldn't you say... Mu La Flaga?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Murrue Ramius''': You kids don't understand anything! By declaring that you're neutral and have nothing to do with this, you can still distance yourselves from what's happening? You don't really believe that, do you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mu La Flaga''': Bastard! Is that you, Rau Le Creuset?
:'''Rau Le Creuset''': You always seem to get in my way, Mu La Flaga! Though I imagine you would probably say the same about me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': Mu, I'd actually be pleased if you'd vanish right about ''now!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Arnold Neumann''': Launch the ship? That's impossible with the number of people we have!
:'''Natarle Badgiruel''': If you have time to argue, spend it on finding a way to do it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-03 &quot;Collapsing Land&quot;'' ===

:'''Kuzzey Buskirk''': I'm impressed that he can sleep in this situation.  
:'''Miriallia Haw''': He's tired. It was really tough for Kira, you know. 
:'''Kuzzey Buskirk''': It was tough? Well, I guess that's true, but... 
:'''[[w:Sai Argyle|Sai Argyle]]''': What are you getting at, Kuzzey?
:'''Kuzzey Buskirk''': Nothing. Just that in Kira's case we can only say &quot;it was tough for him,&quot; and that's it. Kira said he rewrote the OS for that thing, right? When did he do that? 
:'''Sai Argyle''': What do you mean? 
:'''Kuzzey Buskirk''': I can't imagine Kira had any previous knowledge of that thing. So, when did he rewrite the OS? I figured all along that Kira had to be a Coordinator. To think that Coordinators, born genetically-enhanced, do these amazing things, but to them it's nothing more than &quot;tough.&quot; The guys in ZAFT are all like that. Do the Earth Forces have any chance fighting against these guys?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mu La Flaga''': It seems he has no intention of waiting until we head out there. That bastard.
:'''Natarle Badgiruel''': Do they intend to hit us again within the colony?
:'''Mu La Flaga''': Easy for them! We can't fire, but they can fire as they wish.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': What you say may be correct, that there is a war going on outside our world. But we don't agree with it! We dislike war! And that is why we chose to be here in neutral territory! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Miguel Aiman''': Athrun! Show us that same spirit that made you defy orders!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-04 &quot;Silent Run&quot;'' ===

:''[Looking at the wreckage of the destroyed colony.]''
:'''Mu La Flaga''': Amazing how simple... and fragile it was.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Captain Ades''': The council won't look lightly on a neutral nation's colony being destroyed. 
:'''Rau Le Creuset''': How can you call a colony that's manufacturing new weapons for the Earth Forces &quot;neutral&quot;? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mu La Flaga''': From this point on, we'll have to rely on luck.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mu La Flaga''': Kira Yamato.
:'''Kira Yamato''': Yes?
:'''Mu La Flaga''': Mr. Murdoch is pretty upset, you know? We don't have enough people. So, you maintain your machine, okay? 
:'''Kira Yamato''': My machine? Wait! What do you mean &quot;my machine&quot;?
:'''Mu La Flaga''': Well, let's just say that's what's been decided. The fact is, you're the only one capable of piloting that thing. It can't be helped.
:'''Kira Yamato''': Sure, I rode the thing twice, only because I had no choice! But I'm not a soldier or anything!
:'''Mu La Flaga''': So, when the fighting starts again, you refuse to use it? Are those going to be your last words, huh?
:''[Kira is quiet.]''
:'''Mu La Flaga''': At that moment, you and I are the only ones who can protect this ship.
:'''Kira Yamato''': But I don't think it's...!
:'''Mu La Flaga''': Kira, you have the power to make a difference, don't you? Then why not put it to use. We have precious little time, including time to think it over.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Sai Argyle''': Kira is a Coordinator. But he isn't with ZAFT.
:'''Miriallia Haw''': He's one of us. A treasured friend.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': I may be able to operate the mobile suit... but that doesn't mean I know how to fight a battle!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': Irony abounds in warfare.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Athrun Zala''': Kira... fails to see he's being manipulated by the Naturals! Brilliant as he is, he is also naive and good-natured. They're exploiting him, but he's blind to it. That's why I have to go back! I have to reason with him! Kira is still a fellow Coordinator! I'm positive that he'll come around to our way of thinking.
:'''Rau Le Creuset''': I know how you feel. However, what if he won't listen to you?
:'''Athrun Zala''': If that should happen... I'll shoot him down myself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': It's not that I want to fight... but I do want to protect this ship. Because of the people on board. 
:'''Mu La Flaga''': It's the same for us all. You won't find too many people who wish to fight for no reason at all. We fight because unless we fight, we cannot protect. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mu La Flaga''': In any case, think only about protecting this ship and yourself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mu La Flaga''': Mu La Flaga, taking off! Don't let them sink you before I return!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-05 &quot;Phase Shift Down&quot;'' ===

:'''Kira Yamato''': Athrun, what are you up to?
:'''Athrun Zala''': I'm taking you to the ''Gamow''.
:'''Kira Yamato''': Get serious. I'm not going to set foot on any ZAFT ship.
:'''Athrun Zala''': You are a Coordinator. You're one of us, Kira.
:'''Kira Yamato''': No, I won't join ZAFT!
:'''Athrun Zala''': That's enough, Kira. Quiet! Just let me take you. Otherwise... otherwise, I'll have no choice but to shoot you.
:'''Kira Yamato''': Athrun...
:'''Athrun Zala''': I already lost my mom at Bloody Valentine. That's why...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Yzak Joule''': Stupid bastard! Are you out of your mind? If it hadn't been your interfering for no reason...
:'''Dearka Elsman''': Quite the little disaster. And all because you had to disobey orders.
:'''[[w:Nicol Amalfi|Nicol Amalfi]]''': What are you doing? This isn't the place. Stop it!
:'''Yzak Joule''': We went out in four machines, and we still couldn't get him. It's too humilating for words.
:'''Nicol Amalfi''': You can take it out on Athrun all you want. But it won't change anything, will it?
:''[After Yzak and Dearka leave in a huff.]''
:'''Nicol Amalfi''': Athrun, I can't help but think that this isn't like you. So if you...
:'''Athrun Zala''': Could you just let me be alone for a while? Okay?
:''[Exits locker room and slams his fist against the wall.]''
:'''Athrun Zala''': Kira...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''PHASE-06 &quot;The Vanishing Gundam&quot;'' ===

:'''Dearka Elsman''': So what's the strategy then? Kick back until they come out?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Nicol Amalfi''': Trial and error of an untested system. I really hope it works.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Regarding the Blitz's mirage colloid.]''
:'''Dearka Elsman''': It seems appropriate for Nicol. A weapon fit for a coward.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': Why can't you go away and let us live in peace?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Regarding Kira being with the Alliance and operating the Strike against his kind.]''
:'''Garcia''': But you're already a traitor to your fellow Coordinators, are you not?

=== ''PHASE-07 &quot;The Scar of Space&quot;'' ===

:'''[[w:Patrick Zala|Patrick Zala]]''': We fight because it is the only way that we can protect ourselves. If we must fight so that we may protect, then we have no choice but to fight. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mu La Flaga''': I am a man who can make the impossible possible.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-08 &quot;The Songstress of the Enemy Forces&quot;'' ===

:'''Mu La Flaga''': Give me a break. The minute we solve the problem with the supplies, we get thrown another in the form of a pink-haired princess.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Flay Allster|Flay Allster]]''': I don't want any of you Coordinators acting friendly with me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kuzzey Buskirk''': Are you a member of Blue Cosmos?
:'''Flay Allster''': No, I'm not! But the stance those people take... I don't think they're really wrong. Anyone who has their genes operated on, when they are not sick or anything, is against what nature intended. The truth is you all agree with me, don't you?
:[Kuzzey and Miriallia look away.]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Sai Argyle''': What a beautiful voice! But I wonder... is that voice a result of fiddling around with her genes?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

:'''Lacus Clyne''': But your kindness doesn't come from being a Coordinator... it's because of who you are, Kira Yamato. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-09 &quot;The Fading Light&quot;'' ===

:'''Flay Allster''': I promise I will kill this girl. If they keep firing at my father's ship, I swear I'll kill this girl. Tell them that! GO AHEAD!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''PHASE-10 &quot;Crossroads&quot;'' ===

:'''Athrun Zala''': Using a rescued civilian as a hostage? So do you still feel justified in fighting alongside these cowards? Kira!?
:'''Kira Yamato''': Athrun... I...
:'''Athrun Zala''': I'm gonna rescue her! That's a promise!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mu La Flaga''': The only reason our officers would resort to such dubious actions is because we're weak.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Flay Allster''': You didn't make any serious effort to fight them, did you? It's because you're a Coordinator too, isn't it?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-11 &quot;The Awakening Sword&quot;'' ===

:'''Yzak Joule''': I suggest the cowards keep their traps shut. Are there only ten minutes or are there a full ten minutes? It's all in how you look at it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Athrun Zala''': I can't exactly fight a war with a big smile on my face.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''PHASE-12 &quot;Flay's Decision&quot;'' ===

:'''[[w:Lacus Clyne|Lacus Clyne]]''': What is it one should be fighting against? War makes that question very difficult.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''PHASE-13 &quot;Stars Falling in Space&quot;'' ===

:'''Yzak Joule''': Come out and fight, Strike! Or else... or else this pain I feel will never go away!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-14 &quot;Within Endless Time&quot;'' ===

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': Each side strives for justice, but both have a different idea of what that means. And so on the battlefield, all those whose strike at the enemy do so for their just cause.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': The dove is a symbol of peace. It's not born with the sharp beak or claws that can inflict a fatal attack, so they say if these two birds were pitted against each other it would undoubtedly be a long, gruesome battle.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:George Glenn|George Glenn]]''': Fellow humans, I have kept something from you. But today my secret shall be revealed: I did not come into this world through natural birth. My genes were altered artificially early in the embryonic stage of my development.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''George Glenn''': Gazing upon the Earth from outer space, I am reminded of a thought I had... That I am bridge connecting our home planet to the vast reaches of space where so much is yet to be understood. I am also a human, straggling between the present world... and our future. I am the regulator, the coordinator, the one who is meant to guide the way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': Suspicion, ignorance, prejudice, the dark emotions directed at those who can be loved. If love is the brightest light, then are these emotions created from the shadow it casts? Things that are different, things we don't understand, differences that foster anxiety, leading to hatred, and ultimately...confrontation.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': Even if we know all about the source for the existence of humans, we cannot change their hearts. Those who possess the gift do not understand the feelings of those who don't; and those who don't envy those who do. There are people who still love others who are different to them, but this feeling cannot be transferred by gunfire.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-15 &quot;The Respective Solitudes&quot;'' ===

:'''Flay Allster''': Kira, you are going to fight, and fight, and fight... until you die. It's the only way I will ever forgive you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-16 &quot;Burning Sandstorm&quot;'' ===

:'''[[w:Andrew Waltfeld|Andrew Waltfeld]]''': When the coffee is first-rate, so is everything else. All right, let's go fight a war.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Pointing Strike's Agni to an overturned BuCUE.]''
:'''Kira Yamato''': Here! Have some of this!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Andrew Waltfeld''': Sorry, but we're going to have to finish you off... for what you did to Maylam.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Murrue Ramius''': ...Our guns are useless against moving targets.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-17 &quot;Cagalli Returns&quot;'' ===

:'''Cagalli Yula Attha''': Why? What is someone like you doing here, huh?
:'''Kira Yamato''': That's right. You're that person I met back at Morganroete.
:'''Cagalli Yula Attha''': Let go of me, you jerk!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[After twisting and holding Sai's arm behind his back]''
:'''Kira Yamato''': That's enough! If I took this seriously, you wouldn't stand a chance in a fight against me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Andrew Waltfeld''': ''[About razing Tassil]'' Naughty children must be properly disciplined!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-18 &quot;Payback&quot;'' ===

:'''Mu La Flaga''': This is likely payback for what you did to them last night. I'd say it's awfully kind of the Tiger to let you off with something minor like this.
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': How dare you?! Something minor like this? Having a town burnt down is minor? How could you regard anyone who would do this as kind?
:'''Mu La Flaga''': I'm sorry, I apologize if I upset you in any way. But the enemy is an established army. I'm sure you realize if they were serious, it would have been much worse.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:[Mu gasps at the angry expression in Cagalli's eyes, and humours her.]
:'''Mu La Flaga''': Yeah, the Tiger. What a detestable guy. 
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': Same goes for you!
:''[Cagalli storms off, but then a crowd of civilians gather in a circle around Mu, glaring at him.]''
:'''Mu La Flaga''': Oh boy.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Andrew Waltfeld''': Whenever people are put to the test, I often hear them boast, &quot;I'd rather die.&quot; But do you think they honestly mean it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''BuCUE pilot''': I'm gonna stomp on you annoying bugs!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Andrew Waltfeld''': Now, you weird and wonderful pilot, how are you going to get out of this jam?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': That's the last straw! You heartless moron! Look! [gestures toward Ahmed's body] They fought desperately! We're ''all'' fighting desperately! All so that we can protect the things and people that are so important to us!
:''[Kira slaps Cagalli across the face]''
:'''Kira Yamato''': What the hell can you protect when your feelings are the only weapons you've got?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-19 &quot;Fangs of the Enemy&quot;'' ===

:'''Murrue Ramius''': Any ideas on how to deal with this problem? You're his senior officer.
:'''Mu La Flaga''': Huh?
:''[Mu adopts a thoughtful pose, but his line of sight soon changes to surveying Murrue from top to bottom.]''
:'''Mu La Flaga''': ...Any ideas I have might not be worth mentioning.
:'''Murrue Ramius''': Yeah, I kinda sensed that from you. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': You've got no right to go up to other people and tell them how to eat their food!
:''[Cagalli squirts chilli sauce onto her donel kebab and takes a huge bite]
:'''Andrew Waltfeld''': ''[horrified]'' Oh what a terrible waste!
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': Delicious!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Kira sees Cagalli in one of Aisha's stunning dresses]
:'''Kira Yamato''': You're a... A girl?
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': What'd you think?
:'''Kira Yamato''': No, I was just saying that this reminds me again that you're a girl.
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': That amounts to the same thing, jackass!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Andrew Waltfeld''': Unlike in sports, the game of war has no set time limit and no points are awarded, so how do you determine the winners and the losers? When all your enemies are destroyed? Perhaps then.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-20 &quot;On a Calm Day&quot;'' ===

:'''[[w:Siegel Clyne|Siegel Clyne]]''': By allowing the war to spread, you also bring about more hatred. How far do you people intend to take this?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Patrick Zala''': There is no meaning in fighting a war unless one can end it in victory.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Patrick Zala''': We Coordinators are very different; we should view ourselves as a completely new species. There's no reason to cooexist with Naturals.
:'''Siegel Clyne''': How can you call us a new species when signs indicate that we are nearing the end of our road? Even with our push toward regulated marriage, birth rates among third-generation Coordinators are declining!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Siegel Clyne''': Patrick, you must face the fact that lives are born here, not simply manufactured!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Patrick Zala''': We can no longer throw away our power and turn back from our evolutionary path so that we may return to being Naturals.
:''[Patrick scoffs and exits the room; Siegel sighs]''
:'''Siegel Clyne''': You still fail to grasp the underlying truth, Patrick: we ''didn't'' evolve.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': Go ahead, Patrick Zala, be conceited! Enjoy it while you can.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-21 &quot;The End of the Sandstorm&quot;'' ===

:'''Mu La Flaga''': It's better not to know too much about the enemy. Try to forget. Knowing about a man you're about to fight with for your life just makes the battle more difficult.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Aisha''': Oh my, he ''is'' good.
:'''Andrew Waltfeld''': Told you. He was even better the other day when his intensity was turned up. You should have seen him. Unbelievable!
:'''Aisha''': You're taking this rather well. This is difficult for you, isn't it? I can tell you're really fond of him.
:'''Andrew Waltfeld''': You think he'll surrender?
:'''Aisha''': Not a chance.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Andrew Waltfeld''': There's no other way! I'm not giving up until one of us is destroyed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': It didn't have to end like this!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
 
=== ''PHASE-22 &quot;The Sea Dyed Red&quot;'' ===

:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': My feelings toward someone have nothing to do with them being Coordinator or Natural.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''PHASE-23 &quot;Fateful Encounter&quot;'' ===
:'''Mu La Flaga''': Where is that puppy?
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': What puppy?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-24 &quot;War for Two&quot;'' ===
['''Athrun realizes that he's about to stab a girl because Cagalli screams'''.]

:'''Athrun Zala''': A...girl?
[Silence.]
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': That's right, I'm a girl. What is it with you men?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Murrue Ramius''': If you object, then feel free to write about it in your report!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Athrun Zala''': It was the Earth Alliance Forces that gave us the &quot;Valentine Present&quot; first.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Athrun Zala''': My mother was at Junius Seven, which was only a PLANT for agriculture. Countless people, including children, died instantly from the nuclear attack. Did you expect me to sit back and do nothing?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': Hey...what's going on? Shouldn't I still be tied up? 
:'''Athrun Zala''': Eh?
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': I'll steal your gun and then the tables would be turned. 
[Athrun starts laughing.]
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': Why are you laughing?
:'''Athrun Zala''': It's you. Ya just won't give it up, will ya? [Athrun sighs.] If you go for my gun I'll have no other choice but to shoot you. So, don't even try it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': I know its Orb's fault for making them. But that thing, that mobile suit will kill lots of earth people.
:'''Athrun Zala''': Fine, then shoot. Because I'd be the one pulling the trigger. I am a ZAFT soldier to the bitter end. I will not let you tamper with that machine. And if you try to shoot me...then I will have to kill you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Athrun Zala''': What, are you crazy?! Throwing a loaded gun?!
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': S-s-sorry...
:'''Athrun Zala''': Unbelievable.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-25 &quot;Land of Peace&quot;'' ===

:'''[[w:Uzumi Nara Athha|Uzumi Nara Athha]]''': Do you honestly believe I would risk the fate of an entire nation and its people for the sake of one spoiled little girl?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w: Mu La Flaga| Mu La Flaga]]''': I guess we owe another one to the kid.
:'''[[w: Murrue Ramius| Murrue Ramius]]''': Yeah... ''[sighs and puts her head down in her arms]''
:''[Mu reaches over and pats her twice on the shoulder]''
:'''[[w: Murrue Ramius| Murrue Ramius]]''': Stop it commander, that's harassment.
:''[Mu looks at his hand in surprise]'' 
:'''[[w: Mu La Flaga| Mu La Flaga]]''': Huh? It is?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-26 &quot;Moment&quot;'' ===

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''PHASE-27 &quot;Endless Rondo&quot;'' ===

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''PHASE-28 &quot;Kira&quot;'' ===

:'''Flay Allster''': So how... how can you feel sympathy for someone like ''me?''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': Why the hell did they make me a Coordinator?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Athrun Zala''': ''[giving Birdy back to Kira]'' Is this... yours? 
:'''Kira Yamato''': Thank you...yes.
[Kira and Athrun look at each other, then one of Athrun's comrades yells 'Hey! Let's go!' Athrun turns to leave.]
:'''Kira Yamato''': A-an old friend...! gave it to me. It's a valuable gift, from a valuable friend. 
:'''Athrun Zala''': I see... 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-29 &quot;The Turning Point&quot;'' ===

:'''Dearka Elsman''': Well, how about we try a coup d'etat?
:'''Yzak Joule''': Hmph. No, I'm not stupid enough to want to take over ''this'' disaster.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Nicol Amalfi''': I guess I figured I should do my part and join the fight after hearing about Junius Seven.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Uzumi Nara Athha''': If you should kill someone's husband in battle, then his wife will despise you for that. And if you were to kill someone's son, then his mother will hate you for that as well... Because if someone were to take your life, I would hate them with all my heart.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Uzumi Nara Athha''': Carrying a gun is not the only way to fight.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicol Amalfi''': Athrun r-run...
:[Nicol recalls his last conservation with his mother]&lt;br&gt;
:'''Romina Amalfi''': Be... be careful, Nicol.
:'''Nicol Amalfi''': [Last words] Mother... my piano.
:[The Blitz Gundam explodes leaving Kira and Athrun aghast.]&lt;br&gt;
:'''Athrun Zala''': Nicolllllllllll!

=== ''PHASE-30 &quot;Flashing Blades&quot;'' ===
:[Nicol has just been killed by Kira and Yzak is beating on his locker.]
:'''Yzak Joule''': Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! DAMN IT!
:'''Dearka Elsman''': Yzak...
:'''Yzak Joule''': Why did he have to die like that? And why out here? Well?
:''[Athrun slams Yzak against the locker.]''
:'''Athrun Zala''': Why don't you just come out and say it, Yzak? It's my fault! He died because he was trying to save me.
:'''Dearka Elsman''': Athrun, stop it! You too, Yzak. Fighting each other isn't going to help one bit. And remember that the Strike is our real enemy.
:'''Yzak Joule''': I know that! Obviously! He's the one who killed Miguel. And he gave me this scar. The next time we meet, I'll get him!
:''[Yzak runs off with Dearka in hot pursuit.]''
:'''Dearka Elsman''': Yzak!
:''[Athrun opens Nicol's locker and some music notes fall out; he recalls some conversations he had earlier with Nicol.]''
:'''Nicol Amarfi''': Oh Athrun! Thanks for coming to the concert the other day. Come on! You were sleeping. I guess I figured I should do my part and join the fight after hearing about Junius Seven.
:''[Athrun slams his fist against the locker.]''
:'''Athrun Zala''': Damn it. It should have been me. I should have been the one to die, not him. Nicol.... it's all because I was too weak to defeat Kira in the past. It was my weakness that killed you. I'll kill him.... the next time we meet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mu La Flaga''': We're soldiers. We're not murderers. We're fighting a war! If one doesn't shoot, one gets shot!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': I have to destroy you? So be it, Athrun.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Athrun Zala''': How could you do it, Kira? You murdered Nicol!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Tolle Koenig''': Kira!
:'''Kira Yamato''': Tolle, no! Stay back!
:''[Tolle fires a missile at the Aegis, but it dodges the attack and smashes the Skygrasper with its shield, beheading Tolle.]''
:'''Kira Yamato''': ''Tolle''! ''[enters SEED Mode, damaging Aegis]
:'''Athrun Zala''': I'm gonna ''KILL YOU!!!'' ''[enters SEED mode as well]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-31 &quot;Grieving Skies&quot;'' ===

:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': There's something I have to know. Are you the one who destroyed the Strike? 
:'''Athrun Zala''': It was me. 
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': What happened to the pilot? Did he escape like you did? Eject? Or... we couldn't find Kira... anywhere. Say something! 
:'''Athrun Zala''': He's gone... Because I killed him. It's true. I did it. I trapped the Strike with my Aegis and blew up. I don't see how he could have escaped. That was the only option I had left... to finish him. 
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': Bastard! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': Kira... took too many risks, didn't always know what he was doing and always cried. But he was kind. He was a nice guy! 
:'''Athrun Zala''': Yeah, I know. Sounds like Kira hadn't changed a bit. He was always like that. 
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': Did you... 
:'''Athrun Zala''': He was a sentimental crybaby. And he was smart, but he never thought things through.
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': Did you really know Kira ? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': If you were such a good friend, then why the hell would you kill him?
:'''Athrun Zala''': I don't know. I have no idea why either, okay? 
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': Huh? 
:'''Athrun Zala''': We separated as friends and the next time I saw him we were enemies! 
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': Enemies? 
:'''Athrun Zala''': I asked him to come with us, over and over! Because he was a Coordinator, can't you see? He was one of us, that's where he belonged! It wasn't right for him to be on the side of the Earth forces! 
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': So you... 
:'''Athrun Zala''': But whenever we talked, he wouldn't listen! He fought against us, even hurting friends of mine! And then he killed Nicol! 
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': And so... that's why you did this to... your friend? 
:'''Athrun Zala''': He was an enemy! He wasn't on my side anymore! I had no choice but to ''kill him!'' 
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': You idiot!
:'''Athrun Zala''': He killed Nicol right in front of my eyes! Nicol was fifteen. He loved the piano. He only fought to protect the PLANTs and Kira killed him.
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': Kira only fought to protect the things he wished to protect as well. That still doesn't explain why he had to pay with his life! And in the hands of his best friend, of all people!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': One guy's killed for killing another and then he's killed for killing him. How is that kind of twisted thinking ever gonna bring us peace? Well? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Yzak Joule''': Bastard! You dare show your face?
:'''Athrun Zala''': I destroyed the Strike like I promised.

=== ''PHASE-32 &quot;In the Promised Land&quot;'' ===

:'''Sai Argyle''': Tolle is missing, Kira is missing. Everybody is upset right now. And that includes me. To be honest, I'm really not in the mood to comfort you right now. Sorry. Go ask somebody else.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Dearka Elsman''': Or maybe your good-for-nothing Natural boyfriend went and died on you or something.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Miriallia Haw''': Tolle's gone, and he's never coming back! And yet this creep... what is this scumbag doing here!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Flay Allster''': All you Coordinators deserve to be killed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-33 &quot;Gathering Darkness&quot;'' ===

:'''[[w:Natarle Badgiruel|Natarle Badgiruel]]''': The military must be regulated. It requires both soldiers who follow the orders of their superiors and commanders who look at the larger picture and make the appropriate decisions. Otherwise, the ship cannot be victorious or hope to survive in battle.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Murrue Ramius''': I know that this uniform is something that does not suit me well.

=== ''PHASE-34 &quot;Seen and Unseen&quot;'' ===

:''[Beginning the disastrous Operation Spitbreak.]''
:'''Patrick Zala''': As we embark on this historic day, we pray that this operation will lead to true freedom and justice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': The quickest way to slay the beast... is to chop off its head.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[To Athrun.]''
:'''Yzak Joule''': Next time ''I'll'' be the one in charge. Don't get killed until then. Okay?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': If you just did nothing because you thought it wouldn't help, then you'd end up doing less than nothing, for nothing would change and nothing would end.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lacus Clyne''':  Neither will alone nor strength alone will be enough. That's why.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lacus Clyne''': I'd like you to inform them: from now on, Lacus Clyne will be singing the song... of peace. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-35 &quot;The Descending Sword&quot;'' ===

:'''Miriallia Haw''': What kind of strategy is this!? Because this is a war... and because we're all supposed to be good soldiers... if they tell us to... then I guess we're just supposed to throw away our lives.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Murrue Ramius''': If the object of this whole battle was to lure the ZAFT forces closer in, then in my opinion this ship has already accomplished its mission. Note that I, Murrue Ramius, captain of the ''Archangel'', make this decision alone. No other crew member is to be held responsible for these actions.
:'''Mu La Flaga''': Don't put so much pressure on yourself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mu La Flaga''': Did you forget? I am a man who can make the impossible possible!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Yzak Joule''': Don't take me lightly! You're not dealing with the Buster here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:[After witnessing the destructive power of the Freedom Gundam]
:'''Yzak Joule''': What the hell was ''that?''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-36 &quot;In the Name of Justice&quot;'' ===
:'''Athrun Zala''': Father . . .
:'''Patrick Zala''': What did you call me?
:'''Athrun Zala''': My-my apologies, Chairman Zala.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Murrue Ramius''': It's becoming more and more difficult to understand who or what we're fighting for.
:'''Kira Yamato''': Ms. Murrue. What is it you think we should be fighting against to end all of this? Whatever it is, it's about time we started fighting against it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Athrun Zala''': What are you talking about, Lacus? Kira's gone. I--
:'''Lacus Clyne''': --killed him with your own hands?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lacus Clyne''': What is it you believe in? What is it you should be fighting for now? Is it for that medal you received? Or your father's orders? Because if that is so, you'll likely find yourself fighting Kira as his enemy again...and you'll be fighting me, too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lacus Clyne''': So if I am to be your enemy then you might as well shoot me now, Athrun Zala, soldier of ZAFT.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lacus Clyne''': You'll find Kira on Earth. I suggest that you'll have a talk with him. He is your friend.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-37 &quot;Divine Thunder&quot;'' ===

:'''Uzumi Nara Athha''': We believe that no one should be judged by whether or not his or her genes were altered. Cagalli is a Natural and Kira is a Coordinator. These are things they have no control over.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Yzak Joule''': What's so fun about firing at targets that aren't moving?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Murrue Ramius''': Commander...
:'''Mu La Flaga''': That title no longer applies, does it Ms Murrue?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-38 &quot;Decisive Fire&quot;'' ===

:'''Uzumi Nara Athha''': Have they decided it's not worth the effort to hide their true colors from us now that they've lost Panama? Damn the Atlantic Federation!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Muruta Azrael|Muruta Azrael]]''': I only hope they'll oblige us by continuing to hold out to the bitter end.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Murrue Ramius''':  You ought to know I really can't stand mobile armor pilots.
:'''Mu La Flaga''': Well, I guess it's a good thing I'm a mobile ''suit'' pilot now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Reverend Malchio''': Wars spread so quickly, but are so difficult to end.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kuzzey Buskirk''': If I'm the only one who says that he wants to leave then everyone will think that I'm afraid, that I'm just a coward! And maybe that's true, but there's nothing I can do on board; nothing to do with fighting! I leave that stuff to the guys who are able to do it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Dearka Elsman''': Are Naturals really that stupid?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Muruta Azrael''': Say, boys?
:'''[[w:Orga Sabnak|Orga Sabnak]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Shani Andras|Shani Andras]]''': Huh?
:'''[[w:Clotho Buer|Clotho Buer]]''': Yeah?
:'''Muruta Azrael''': It's extremely important that you not damage Morgenroete or the mass driver. Do you understand?
:'''Shani Andras''': But we can do anything else we want to, right?
:'''Clotho Buer''': Oh yeah.
:'''Orga Sabnak''': Why don't you guys shut up?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Clotho Buer''': That white one, it's mine.
:'''Orga Sabnak''': Humph.
:'''Clotho Buer''': Figures, ya missed it.
:'''Clotho Buer''': Annihilate!
:'''Shani Andras''': Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!
:'''Clotho Buer''': Bastard! You're terminated!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Clotho Buer''': Out of the way Shani!
:'''Shani Andras''': Your the one who's in the way!
(Shani fires his Forbidden's railguns while Kira dodges them and shoots back)
(Kira's beam cannons are deflected and sent in another direction)
:'''Shani Andras''': Ha ha ha ha!
:'''Kira Yamato''': It deflected the beams?!

=== ''PHASE-39 &quot;Athrun&quot;'' ===

:'''Athrun Zala''': I haven't received any specific military orders regarding this battle. This intervention... is ''my'' decision alone.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Shani Andras''': Wow, another one of these... funny-looking mobile suits.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Clotho Buer''': I don't know who you are, but you're going to be a fatality too!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Orga begins fires on Clotho, who is supposedly his teammate.]''
:'''Clotho Buer''': Orga!
:'''Orga Sabnak''': You're bugging me! 
:''[He fires on Clotho again.]'' 
:'''Orga Sabnak''': The same goes for you, Shani!
:''[Orga fires on Shani as well, leaving Kira and Athrun aghast.]''
:'''Athrun Zala''': These guys don't give a damn about each other!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Clotho Buer''': I've had enough, Orga. You bug me!
:[The drugs begin to wear off causing Clotho painful withdrawal symptoms; Shani and Orga follow suit.]
:'''Orga Sabnak''': Aw crap! We're outta time! Clotho!
:[The three Extended pilots withdraw from the battle.]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Azrael is furious that the three Extended pilots were unable to finish the job.]''
:'''Muruta Azrael''': They're useless!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Athrun Zala''': But you . . .
:'''Kira Yamato''': I know. ''[flashback to Nicol's death]'' I killed a comrade of yours. A personal friend. But I never knew him or even met the guy. And it's not as if I wanted to kill him.
:''[Everybody in the room absorbs Kira's remorse]''
:'''Kira Yamato''': And you... ''[flashback to Tolle's death]'' ...killed Tolle.
:''[Athrun gasps as does Miriallia and Dearka]''
:'''Kira Yamato''': But you didn't know him either. You didn't want to kill him, right?
:'''Athrun Zala''': No. But I tried my hardest to kill you.
:'''Kira Yamato''': Same here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Dearka Elsman''': Hey!
:'''Miriallia Haw''': What do you want?
:'''Dearka Elsman''': Uh, well I . . . he's the one who killed that guy... you know, Tolle.
:'''Miriallia Haw''': So, what is your point? Weren't you listening to Kira? This is what he meant! Would killing him bring Tolle back to me? Of course it wouldn't. So, why don't you just stop talking about it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Shani Andras''': ''[About the Justice and the Freedom]'' They're gonna pay.
:'''Clotho Buer''': Those two machines.
:'''Orga Sabnak''': That's a promise.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-40 &quot;Into the Dawn Skies&quot;'' ===
:'''Uzumi Nara Athha''': We've been declared an enemy, but does that mean we're not even worth listening to!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Athrun Zala''': Both of us completely understood what you meant, and that there are things in this world you want to protect sometimes you gotta fight for them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': Athrun…
:'''Athrun Zala''': Let's kick ass!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Orga Sabnak''': You stupid mobile suit! You're out of energy already!?
:'''Clotho Buer''': It's because you keep firing all over the place, dumbass!
:'''Orga Sabank''': Say what?
:'''Clotho Buer''': If you want to leave, do it yourself. You're on your own now.
:''[Athrun leaps out of the water in the Justice Gundam and slices Clotho's hammer in half, forcing him to fall back.]''
:'''Orga Sabnak''': Hey, you're the dumbass!
:'''Clotho Buer''': Who do you think you're...
:''[Orga lands his Calamity Gundam on top of Clotho in his Raider Gundam.]''
:'''Clotho Buer''': Who said you could get on, freeloader!?
:'''Orga Sabnak''': Shut your mouth! We got to go back and recharge. Don't tell me you're not running on empty as well.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Uzumi Nara Athha''': The Earth Forces' present actions are being guided by the leader of Blue Cosmos, Muruta Azrael. To make matters worse, the PLANTs are led by someone who believes Coordinators are a new species, for Patrick Zala rules them now. The way things are developing the world will soon be trapped between two forces who refuse to accept each others' existence.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': But just because the odds are against us doesn't mean we should give up and let them do whatever they want to us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Uzumi Nara Athha''': Stop giving me that look! It doesn't suit a child of the Lion of Orb.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Uzumi Nara Athha''': I feel very fortunate to have been your father.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Uzumi Nara Athha''': We can't leave Orb, or this world, in the hands of those bastards.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Murrue Ramius''': This small yet strong flame will never be extinguished.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mayura Labatt''': I didn't think we'd be going out into space.
:'''Juri Wu Nien''': Suits me just fine.
:'''Asagi Caldwell''': Damn the Earth Forces!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-41 &quot;Trembling World&quot;'' ===

:'''Lacus Clyne''': We must understand that the people of Earth are our brothers and sisters. We Coordinators haven't somehow evolved into a separate species.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''PHASE-42 &quot;Lacus Strikes&quot;'' ===
:'''Patrick Zala''': What's going on? What happened? Where's Justice? And what happpened to the Freedom?
:'''Athrun Zala''': First things first. I have a question for you. What exactly are your true intentions regarding this war?
:'''Patrick Zala''': What did you say?!
:'''Athrun Zala''': You heard me, Father. How long are we going to keep fighting this war?
:'''Patrick Zala''': What are you blathering about? What's important is the mission you were assigned. Now stop wasting time and make your report!
:'''Athrun Zala''': I came back... because I felt I had to ask that one question in person. That's it, Father.
:'''Patrick Zala''': Athrun, you little bastard!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Athrun Zala''': All you can think about is meeting power with more power! Tell me, Father, is that really your true intention? Do you believe that will ever bring an end to this war?
:'''Patrick Zala''': Of course it will! When the very last Natural is dead, this war will end!
:''[Athrun's eyes widen in shock and disbelief]'' 
:'''Patrick Zala''': Now tell me, Athrun, what happened to our machines, the Justice and the Freedom? And answer carefully because I forgive no one! 
:'''Athrun Zala''': Are you serious? Do you mean what you just said, Father? About how you want all the Naturals dead?
:'''Patrick Zala''': That's the whole point of this war! That reason and that reason alone is why we are fighting this war! How could you possibly have forgotten that fact?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Patrick Zala''': Don't kill this fool! There are still some things he needs to tell me.
:'''Soldiers''': Yes, sir! 
:'''Patrick Zala''': Take him away and pry the location of the Justice and the Freedom out of him. Use whatever means of persuasion you find necessary. I'm very disappointed, Athrun. 
:'''Athrun Zala''': I feel the same way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': You have every reason to want revenge on me. 
:'''Andrew Waltfeld''': That's what happens in war. Everyone has some kind of reason, but no one does.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
=== ''PHASE-43 &quot;What Stands in the Way&quot;'' ===

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': Nobody is ever born into this world as a soldier. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Murrue Ramius''': Do you think they're planning to launch an all-out attack on the PLANTs? 
:'''Andrew Waltfeld''': Their military is full of people who have always wanted to pull off that kind of stunt. &quot;For the preservation of our blue and pure world.&quot; 
:'''Mu La Flaga''': That's enough. 
:'''Andrew Waltfeld''': Hey, they're the ones saying it, not me. 
:'''Mu La Flaga''': I know, but you're right. 
:'''Andrew Waltfeld''': I can't see how getting rid of all the Coordinators would lead to a pure world. I don't even know what a pure world is. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lacus Clyne''': Whatever human beings have begun, other human beings can then put a stop to.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': I bet your head is like a hamster running in its wheel right about now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Murrue Ramius''': This isn't only about what happened in Alaska. We have serious doubts about the Earth Forces in their entirety. No surrender, no return to the military!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Natarle Badgiruel''': In these conditions, we hit our own machines too!
:'''Muruta Azrael''': Who cares if we hit our own machines? They have Trans-Phase armor, don't they?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Clotho Buer''': ''[About the Justice and the Freedom]'' They want these guys intact!
:'''Shani Andras''': How about just ''one'' of them?

=== ''PHASE-44 &quot;Spiral of Encounters&quot;'' ===

:'''Natarle Badgiruel''': Are you that eager to meet your maker!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Orga Sabnak''': Shani!
:'''Clotho Buer''': We have orders to withdraw, dimwit!
:'''Shani Andras''': ''[About Athrun]'' That guy! Do you know what he did?
:'''Orga Sabnak''': We have to retreat! Do you want them to punish us again!?
:''[Shani's eyes widen in fear and he finally backs down from his assault.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': If it's my fate to be shot down by you, I thought this place would be appropriate... However, it doesn't look like there's any chance of that happening. After all, how could the child ever hope to defeat the parent!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Dearka Elsman''': I can't just quietly follow orders when it looks like all we're trying to do is wipe out every last Natural alive.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': Aren't you the least bit curious? About the ultimate extent of humanity's insatiable desires? About the fools who pursued their insane dream in the name of progress? Because after all, Kira, you're a child of this too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-45 &quot;The Opening Door&quot;'' ===

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': You are the dream of humanity. The Ultimate Coordinator. It was Dr. Hibiki who first created the artificial womb. And you were the only viable child it ever produced. For that reason, a large number of your siblings were sacrificed.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': George Glenn was the first Coodinator whom humanity knew. Do you have any idea how much darkness spread across the world because of the chaos he unleashed? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Via Hibiki''': Please stop it! That's a human life in there! Not just a thing!
:'''[[w:Ulen Hibiki|Ulen Hibiki]]''': I know that! That's why I must see this through to the end! 
:'''Via Hibiki''': A life should be born into this world! Not just manufactured!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Via Hibiki''': You liar! Give him back! Give my other child back to me!
:'''Ulen Hibiki''': He's my son! I'll use the highest technology to make him the Ultimate Coordinator!
:'''Via Hibiki''': And what is this for? For your sake?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Via Hibiki''': The Ultimate Coordinator? Is that supposed to bring this child happiness?
:'''Ulen Hibiki''': The urge to make things better has always driven progress, and then that is what brings about happiness.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': They thirsted for knowledge. They sought to fulfill their desires. And ultimately, they forgot why they were doing it. Even as they proclaimed their reverence for human life, they began toying with it. And then they began destroying it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': No matter what we learn, no matter what we manage to obtain, nothing ever changes! People are amazing that way! They become envious, hate each other, and destroy each other! If that's what they truly desire, why don't they simply exterminate each other?!
:'''Mu La Flaga''': What gives you the right to sound so superior?
:'''Rau Le Creuset''': I am the only one who has earned that right! In the entire universe, I alone have the right to judge all of humanity!
:'''Mu La Flaga''': Cut the crap, you crackpot!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ulen Hibiki''': But cloning is illegal.
:'''[[w:Al Da Flaga|Al Da Flaga]]''': Laws can be changed. After all, they are only made by humans.
:'''Ulen Hibiki''': But still&amp;mdash;
:'''Al Da Flaga''': This technology came at great cost. You should put it to use. You want funding for your research, don't you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Al Da Flaga''': But are you sure that's me? Oh well. He will be my successor, in any case. Why should that woman's child be my heir? Keep a close eye on him and educate him well. Whatever you do, don't make him into another weakling.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': I am he, that arrogant fool, who thought he could thwart death itself with his money. Al Da Flaga, your father. But I am merely that man's defective clone.
:'''Mu La Flaga''': What?! My dad's clone? You expect anyone to believe that fairy tale?
:'''Rau Le Creuset''': I don't want to believe it either. But unfortunately, ''it's true!''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Natarle Badgiruel''': Making the first move will put us at a great disadvantage. Unfortunately, I cannot guarantee success.
:'''Muruta Azrael''': It's easy for anybody to declare the impossible as being impossible. But it's another matter to actually make things possible. Everyone knows that in the business world.
:'''Natarle Badgiruel''': But this is a battlefield. Failure means death.
:'''Muruta Azrael''': It means the same in the business world. Are you one of those people who only fights battles that you know you'll win? Although that's fine by me. When push comes to shove, you've gotta do what you've gotta do to be victorious. We can't remain sitting here forever, can we? Give it your best shot. Think positive. Winners never quit, quitters never win.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Dearka Elsman''': I'm not as devoted or resigned to this cause as those two are, but I've seen some things...
:'''Miriallia Haw''': ''[in flashback]'' Tolle's gone! And he's never coming back! And yet this creep, what is this scumbag doing here?! 
:'''Dearka Elsman''': I watched them. And after I saw Alaska, Panama, and Orb, there's no way I can return to ZAFT and fight like the military tells me to.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Shani Andras''': Do you think we'll get in trouble again if we fail this time? 
:'''Clotho Buer''': Bet on it. [About Azrael] That guy is just using us to make himself look good.
:'''Orga Sabnak''': It could be worse. At least we're kicking butt instead of getting our own butts kicked.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': The final door is about to open. And I am the one opening it! And this world will come to an end! This world of insatiable desires will end! And the conceited fools floundering in it will finally have their wish come true! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': Do you think you can change what's about to happen?! Nobody can do anything about it. The whirlpool of hatred is engulfing the universe!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Dearka Elsman''': If you insist I'm your enemy just because I'm no longer with ZAFT, then shoot me. 
:'''Yzak Joule''': You're being deceived!
:'''Dearka Elsman''': I wonder which one of us is really being deceived. I don't know for sure, but I'm going.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': ''[To Flay]'' I'm very tired now. So please deliver this key to the final door for me. If that key makes it into the hands of the Earth Forces, this war will come to an end. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-46 &quot;A Place for the Soul&quot;'' ===

:'''Flay Allster''': I-I have something... a key! A key that's supposed to end this war. So help me! Please help me! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Clotho Buer''': Time's up!
:'''Shani Andras''': You bastard!
:''[Shani and Clotho behead the Freedom.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': ''[About Flay]'' She's someone that I hurt! I have to protect her!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mu La Flaga''': My father was... an arrogant and unreasonable man... always doubting other people. He died when I was little, and that's about all I remember about him. But this is just... unbelievable! Why'd this have to happen? ''[About Rau]'' And a failed product? He ages too quickly. Shortened telomeres. What's it all supposed to mean?
:'''Murrue Ramius''': None of this is your fault, Mu.
:'''Mu La Flaga''': He has no past and no future. Perhaps not even an identity. 
:'''Murrue Ramius''': So he wants to take the whole world down with him.
:'''Mu La Flaga''': I won't let him get away with this. I won't! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': I'll be all right... because I swore that I'd never cry again.
:'''Lacus Clyne''': It's okay to cry. You should cry, while we're still able to. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lacus Clyne''': You have too many sad dreams, Kira. But what's important is the person you are. Right here, right now. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Athrun Zala''': It seems like everybody's crying.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-47 &quot;The Nightmare Reborn&quot;'' ===

:'''Muruta Azrael''': That was nice and quick. Even ZAFT's fortresses are simply no match for nuclear warheads.
:'''Natarle Badgiruel''': Director Azrael... 
:'''Muruta Azrael''': Hm?
:'''Natarle Badgiruel''': I understand that they are our enemies, but don't you feel any remorse for using nuclear weapons?
:'''Muruta Azrael''': I must say, I'm surprised to hear that kind of comment from a professional soldier. Why, I'm almost a saint, compared to some commanders who would knowingly send their troops out to die, knowing full well that it was a battle they could never win.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The Earth Forces have just used nukes to destory Boaz.]''
:'''Patrick Zala''': Damn those Natural scum!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Clotho Buer''': [laughs] You know what I see? Targets!
:''[Orga is also delighted at all the potential targets for him to shoot.]''
:'''Orga Sabnak''': Well now, I can't make up my mind. Right there!
:''[Meanwhile, a ZAFT grunt pilot futilely fires on Shani.]''
:'''Shani Andras''': Why you little... nobody takes a shot at me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''ZAFT Green Coat''': ''[Noticing the Peacemaker Force]'' What are those!?
:''[He maneuvers his mobile suit in their direction, but Clotho blows it up and kills him.]''
:'''Clotho Buer''': Oh no, you don't! Nobody stops playing until I say they can.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The Earth Forces' nuclear missiles hit their target, Boaz.]''
:'''Clotho Buer''': Yeah!
:'''Orga Sabnak''': Awesome!
:'''Shani Andras''': Sure is bright!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mu La Flaga''': Nothing surprises me any more. Not after JOSH-A.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Flay Allster''': But I... I really have to see him again. Kira is alive. So, I really have to see him and talk to him and the others... properly this time!
:'''Natarle Badgiruel''': You may want to stay off the bridge. It won't be as frightening if you stay in your sleeping quarters. You look scared.
:'''Flay Allster''': I-I'm terrified! But I'm just starting to realise now... everybody else saw it and understood what was happening as it unfolded, but I...
:'''Natarle Badgiruel''': Most people are lucky they don't see those things. From here on, this war is only going to get worse. We're going to see a lot more of what we just witnessed.
:'''Flay Allster''': But that man... he said the war was going to end now!
:'''Natarle Badgiruel''': Oh, it will end all right. Once every last enemy is destroyed. Only then will it end.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lacus Clyne''': Everyone please... we cannot afford to let even one nuclear missile hit the PLANTs. If the blade of light strikes down those who are innocent, it can only lead to neverending tears and hatred.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lacus Clyne:''' The choices we're making may be one of evil as well. For we call for peace, but with weapons in our hands. Nevertheless allow us to break this chain of endless conflict. Give us strength.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[ZAFT prepares to fight back against the Earth Forces with GENESIS]''
:'''Patrick Zala''': All you Naturals mark this moment well. Let this light usher in the creation of the Coordinators' world! '''NOW FIRE!!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-48 &quot;Day of Wrath&quot;'' ===

:'''Kira Yamato''': Why do things like that exist in the first place? Nuclear weapons... or for that matter, why are there even mobile suits and guns?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lacus Clyne''': Is it weapons that are the cause of all this fighting or does the real cause lie within the human heart?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Andrew Waltfeld''': The first time I actually ever had to shoot somebody, it turned my stomach. They told me I'd get used to it in time. And after a while, that's what happened.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Patrick Zala''': This is no longer a war, it is a campaign of extermination!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Shani Andras''': You know, I think there are even more of them than last time. 
:'''Orga Sabnak''': Although, it's really not much fun fighting the small fry. 
:'''Clotho Buer''': Who cares? If I'm ordered to go out and attack, I'll do what I'm told. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

:'''Patrick Zala''': Le Creuset... I'm only going to say this once: no more blunders. To make up for not destroying the ''Eternal'', the least you can do is prevent them from attacking the PLANTs with it.
:'''Rau Le Creuset''': Even if that means killing Athrun, Your Excellency?
:''[Patrick's eyes widen briefly, but then he grits his teeth.]''
:'''Patrick Zala''': Of course!
:'''Rau Le Creuset''': Very well then, sir. Excuse me.
:''[As Rau walks away, Patrick clenches his fist.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Dearka Elsman''': So, they want us to stop the nukes and GENESIS while fighting at the same time!?
:'''Miriallia Haw''': Then why don't you just give up?
:'''Dearka Elsman''': Hey, I didn't mean&amp;mdash;
:'''Miriallia Haw''': Just kidding. I'm sorry. Be careful out there.
:'''Dearka Elsman''': Thank you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Murrue Ramius''': I thought I wouldn't make it in time.
:'''Mu La Flaga''': What are you talking about, silly?
:''[Mu notices Murrue's locket.]''
:'''Mu La Flaga''': Was he a mobile armor pilot?
:'''Murrue Ramius''': ...Yes.
:'''Mu La Flaga''': Don't worry. I'll be right back, with victory in hand.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': I'll give it a try. Anything that man can do, I'm sure I can do just as well. This is Rau Le Creuset, Providence taking off! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': I'll be watching after that guy who might be my little brother.
:'''Athrun Zala''': Little brother? Couldn't he be your big brother?
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': No way! He's definitely younger.
:'''Athrun Zala''': Yeah I guess you're right.
:''[hugs her]''
:'''Athrun Zala''': I'm pretty lucky to have met you.
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': Athrun...
:'''Athrun Zala''': You and I can protect each other.
:''[they kiss]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-49 &quot;The Final Light&quot;'' ===

:'''Muruta Azrael''': It's simple; even a single Coordinator is a threat to the Earth's survival, and our purpose here is to get rid of them all!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Clotho Buer''': What's the deal with you two anyway? Why are you fighting so desperately?
:'''Athrun Zala''': I want to ask you the same thing. What do you guys think you're fighting for?
:'''Clotho Buer''': Don't ask me, I don't really know. I hate losing; that's my ''only'' reason!
:'''Athrun Zala''': What?!
:'''Clotho Buer''': Not that I'll ever lose!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mu La Flaga''': ''Le Creuset!'' Is this what you were hoping for, you bastard?!
:'''Rau Le Creuset''': You shouldn't blame me! This is mankind's dream, mankind's desire, mankind's destiny! To be the strongest, to go the farthest, to climb the highest!
:'''Mu La Flaga''': You're pathetic!
:'''Rau Le Creuset''': To compete, to envy, to hate each other, and to devour one another!
:'''Mu La Flaga''': I won't let your twisted logic make things worse!
:'''Rau Le Creuset''': But you're too late, Mu. You see... I am the product of all of this, that's how I know! I know that humanity will be swallowed by the darkness it's created!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''William Sutherland''': Mr. Azrael?
:'''Muruta Azrael''': Send out the nuclear attack force!
:'''Natarle Badgiruel''': Director Azrael!
:'''Muruta Azrael''': Destroy every last one of them! ''Smash those annoying hourglasses into dust!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lacus Clyne''': Possibly... we humans can exist without fighting. but many of us have chosen to fight. For what reason? To protect something? Protect what? Ourselves? The future? If we kill people to protect ourselves and this future, then what sort of future is it, and what will we have become? There is no future for those who have died. And what of those who did the killing? Is happiness to be found in a future that is grasped with bloodstained hands? Is that the truth?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Natarle Badgiruel''': You're a monster who deserves to die, right here with me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Muruta Azrael''': Damn it! I can't die like this!
:'''Natarle Badgiruel''': Azrael, what now?
:'''Muruta Azrael''': I can still win. ''[his eye twitches]'' That's right. I always win.
:''[Azrael targets the Lohengrin on the ''Archangel'']''
:'''Natarle Badgiruel''': You bastard&amp;mdash;!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:[Last words]
:'''Mu La Flaga''': ''[Final words]'' Didn't I tell you I could make the impossible possible...!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Muruta Azrael''': ''[Seeing that he failed to destroy the ''Archangel'']'' No, but I . . .
:'''Natarle Badgiruel''': Hm, looks like you lose.
:'''Muruta Azrael''': How dare you mock me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Natarle Badgiruel''': ''[Final Words]'' Now! Murrue Ramius! ''FIRE!''
:'''Murrue Ramius''': ''[At the same time]'' ''FIRE!''

=== ''FINAL PHASE &quot;Towards an Endless Tomorrow&quot;'' ===

:'''Lacus Clyne''': I demand that ZAFT cease firing GENESIS immediately! We've experienced the pain and sorrow of nuclear attacks, yet we are trying to inflict the same suffering on them now? Will anything be made right if we fire it? Or if more innocent men, women and children keep loosing their lives?! Is that justice!? Don't you realize yet what these attacks on each other are giving birth to?! Do we want more sacrifices?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': Stop running! The hardest battle, is to keep living!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Yzak Joule''': Give me that weapon!
:'''Dearka Elsman''': Yzak!
:'''Yzak Joule''': He's not beating me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': Oh Azrael, what a disappointment you were.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': This is our destiny! People knew where they were heading when they chose to walk this path!
:'''Kira Yamato''': Shut up!
:'''Rau Le Creuset''': Justice and faith! Ignorance and escapism! They never learn! ''They never listen!'' We have reached the end of that path! There is no way to prevent it now! Mankind vanquished, at last! Just as they deserve!
:'''Kira Yamato''': I won't allow it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': You don't understand anything else!
:'''Rau Le Creuset''': Of course! After all, people can only understand what they've experienced!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': You're wrong! People aren't like that at all!
:'''Rau Le Creuset''': Ha! How are they ''not'' like that? What's your proof?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': This is a world where people's hearts are filled with hatred, where fingers have no other purpose other than to pull triggers!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': You're something that shouldn't have been allowed to exist, boy!
:'''Kira Yamato''': Just shut up!
:'''Rau Le Creuset''': If people learned of your existence, they would want to become just as you are! They would want to become like you!
:'''Kira Yamato''': That's garbage!
:'''Rau Le Creuset''': And that's the reason why... your existence cannot be allowed!
:'''Kira Yamato''': I'm not... even if that's true... I'm not defined by my abilities alone!
:'''Rau Le Creuset''': And who's going to believe that line? Will they understand that? Of course they won't! Nobody will!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Flay Allster''': I'll always protect you... my true feelings will protect you...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rau Le Creuset''': It's a shame really, I did enjoy your songs. But the real world isn't as kind as the one in pop songs!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': Why torment yourself saying. &quot;Eventually, someday&quot;? How long have you been fighting with your thoughts clouded by that brand of sweet poison?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Athrun Zala''': Stop it! Lay down your weapons! Do it now! Is this really what you people want!? You'll wipe them out completely!
:'''ZAFT Green Coat 1''': They're the ones who fired first!
:'''ZAFT Green Coat 2''': My brother was stationed at Boaz!
:'''Athrun Zala''': Damn!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Patrick Zala''': They're right there! Our enemies are still out there! Why would you even suggest we not fire it? We must fire it again, before they have a chance to retaliate! The enemy must be annihilated! Why can't you all understand that?
:'''Subordinate''': Your Excellency, our forces are still in the line of fire!
:'''Patrick Zala''': All of our soldiers are fighting for one thing: victory! I'm sure they're prepared to pay the cost!
:'''Subordinate''': But, sir...!
:'''Ray Yuki''': You... ''bastard''...!
:''[Ray shoots Patrick.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': ''[Laughs]'' Whatever happens now, I've won! When Jachin self-destructs, GENESIS will fire!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': The Earth will burn! And the cries of the victims will ignite battle anew!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Patrick Zala''': ''[to Athrun, as he is dying]'' Fire Genesis... we must... make the... world... ours... 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': This will be a day of reckoning for everyone!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': Stop running! The hardest battle is to keep living!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': This world is still worth protecting!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': What are we? What'll happen... now that we've come through to this time and space...? This is... our world...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''OVA &quot;In the Valley of Stars&quot;'' ===

:'''Lacus Clyne''': ''[referring to the beliefs of others]'' If you don't trust your enemy, then don't lower your gun.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

== Gundam SEED Destiny ==
=== ''PHASE-01 &quot;Angry Eyes&quot;'' ===

:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': Please do me a favor and stop calling me &quot;princess.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': But still too much strength will only invite another war.
:'''[[w:Gilbert Durandal|Gilbert Durandal]]''': No, princess. Power is a necessity because there will always be conflict

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Shinn Asuka|Shinn Asuka]]''': Why is this happening? Are you trying to start another one? Another war?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-02 &quot;Those Who Call for War&quot;'' ===

:'''[[w:Auel Neider|Auel Neider]]''': Should we take along its head as a souvenir? Now that would be one hell of a cool present!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Auel Neider''': Then I guess you'll just have to ''die'' here! I'll tell Neo your last words, all she said was &quot;Goodbye!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Stella Loussier|Stella Loussier]]''': I'm not dead... everything is all right, Stella, isn't it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''PHASE-03 &quot;Warning Shots&quot;'' ===

:'''Shinn Asuka''': Making excuses has always been a specialty of the Athhas, hasn't it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Gilbert Durandal''': A name reflects its owner's nature. But, what if a name is merely a fake? If something goes by a false name, wouldn't it mean that thing is fake? False by nature? Is that what it would mean? Alex... or is it Athrun Zala?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Mu La Flaga#Neo Roanoke|Neo Roanoke]]''': We don't want to lose what we have by being greedy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Neo Roanoke''': The day is coming when everything will begin for real... and we'll be the ones in charge.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-04 &quot;Stardust Battlefield&quot;'' ===

:''[Regarding Rey Za Burrel's Blaze ZAKU Phantom.]''
:'''Neo Roanoke''': You're something else, aren't you, White Baldy?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Lunamaria Hawke|Lunamaria Hawke]]''': You're starting to sound like Rey. It's throwing me off!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Neo Roanoke''': We had them on the ropes, now they're back in the game.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Neo Roanoke''': I suppose this is goodbye, but I look forward to our next encounter. Farewell for now, White Baldy and your little friends.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-05 &quot;Scars That Won't Heal&quot;'' ===
:'''Athrun Zala''': You seem to have some kind of grudge against Orb; may I ask why? I thought you used to live there. If you're looking for some kind of trivial excuse to drag the Representative into an irrelevant fight, I won't stand for it.
:'''Shinn Asuka''': ''Trivial!?'' I won't let anyone call it trivial! And you're wrong about it being irrelevant too! I lost my entire family because of the Athhas. They believed in the nation, and they believed in your so-called ideals. And in the end, they were all killed at Onogoro. ''[Turns toward Cagalli]'' That's why I will never believe a word that you say. I'll never believe in Orb. I'll never believe any of your self-serving lies again. When you said you were going to uphold justice, did you ever stop and think of the innocents? Of how many people would die because you insisted on following through your values to the bitter end? I wish people who didn't understand stuff wouldn't talk about things as if they did.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Sato''': Now fall, our great tombstone! On a world that has forgotten the voices of sorrow! That closes its eyes and chooses to wallow in deceit! The hour of correction is now at hand!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Lord Djibril|Lord Djibril]]''': Regardless of the cause, no one can deny that very soon, one stupid, clumsy object up in the sky is going to come crashing down on our heads. It's a humiliation! A shame! Think of how this looks. Because of that cursed thing, we all run around looking scared and spineless. Somebody must pay for this disgrace But who? Why, who else but the Coordinators who put that thing in space in the first place.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-06 &quot;The End of the World&quot;'' ===

:'''Sato''': You're nothing but pests. It's gone too far! No one can stop the inevitable now!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Athrun Zala''': You haven't changed a bit, Yzak.
:'''Yzak Joule''': Yeah, well, neither have you!
:'''Dearka Elsman''': There they go...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Yzak Joule''': Shut up! I'm the one in command here. Stop giving orders, you damn civilian!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Sato''': Have you forgotten the innocent lives thrown away here!? You're living in a damn dreamworld laughing with the butchers who caused this, you bastards! The cowardly successors of Clyne have deceived us; they have corrupted and weakened ZAFT. Can't you see that!? Patrick Zala knew it all along; the only true path for Coordinators was the one that he had chosen for us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Sato''': They'll suffer this time! The Naturals will feel our wrath!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Talia Gladys|Talia Gladys]]''': We have to make a decision as to which lives we can afford to lose. Who we can save... and who we cannot.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-07 &quot;Land of Confusion&quot;'' ===

:'''Lunamaria Hawke''': Look, the truth is, all of us here know who you are and what you have done. Formerly a ZAFT Red with the Le Creuset Team, in the final stages of the war, you defeated the seemingly unstoppable Strike. After that, you were assigned to the national committee's special forces FAITH Team. Then they made you the pilot of the ZGMF-X09A Justice. Your name is Athrun Zala.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Athrun Zala''': Only a handful of people were responsible for this, but that doesn't matter. all anyone will remember is that they were Coordinators. You think they'll be quick to forgive?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lord Djibril''': I swear this time we shall send those bastards to their deaths. For the preservation of our blue and pure world!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''PHASE-08 &quot;Junction&quot;'' ===

:'''[[w:Yuna Roma Seiran|Yuna Roma Seiran]]''': We fully understand that, but what do we say to the tens of millions of people affected by this calamity? Do we say, &quot;Yes, we know you're suffering, but please forgive them because Earth was saved&quot;? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Shinn Asuka''': Perhaps it means that I can't be fooled. No matter how beautiful the flowers are, people will just wipe them out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''PHASE-09 &quot;Bared Fangs&quot;'' ===
:'''ZAFT Green Coat''': ''[Noticing the Earth Forces' nukes]'' Bastards!

=== ''PHASE-10 &quot;A Father's Spell&quot;'' ===

:'''[[w:Meer Campbell|Meer Campbell]]''': I'm just Meer. Nobody really needs me. But I don't mind if it's just for now. I'm game.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Athrun Zala''': We cannot allow ourselves to exchange blows base on just anger and hatred alone. If we were to exchange blows for those reasons alone, the world will once again become a pointless battlefield! I beg of you... Please don't let that happen! 
:'''Gilbert Durandal''': Alex... 
:'''Athrun Zala''': My name... my name is Athrun Zala. I am the son of Patrick Zala, the man who fanned the flames of war and poisoned the whole world with his hatred. I believed what my father said. I fought in the war, I killed the enemy, I fought my best friend... and even when I realized how wrong he was, I couldn't stop him and I lost everything.
:'''Gilbert Durandal''': Athrun.
:'''Athrun Zala''': There's no way I can let this happen again!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

:'''Gilbert Durandal''': But the things you are capable of doing, and the things you want to do... You should be the one who is most aware of the answers to those. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
=== ''PHASE-11 &quot;The Chosen Path&quot;'' ===

:'''Gilbert Durandal''': Though it was the adults who started this war, it was the young who actually fought it. And if we label those who made mistakes as criminals and punish them, then I ask you, where will the future leaders of the PLANTs come from? We should honor the young for their sacrifices and look to them to build a peaceful future.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Yzak Joule''': You have the ability. Why not put it to use?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Yuna Roma Seiran''': Little girl's playtime is over and done, Cagalli. Even though I'm sorry that this is all happening so fast, both you and I are Naturals. And ORB will ally with the Atlantic Federation. At any rate, it is impossible for you and that Coordinator boyfriend of yours to stay together. The worlds you live in are different. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Shinn Asuka''': If you've become our enemy, I will destroy this country... with my own hands.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Talia Gladys''': Do you want to throw gasoline on the fire?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Yuna Roma Seiran''': Politics is reality, not the ideal.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

:'''Dearka Elsman''': So, where do you want to go? 
:'''Yzak Joule''': And if you say shopping, I'm going to kill you! 
:'''Athrun Zala''': Not even close. I wanted to pay visit to the gravesites of Nicol and the others... Since I can't come to PLANT that often. That's why I thought that I'd like to go. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
=== ''PHASE-12 &quot;Blood in the Water&quot;'' ===

:'''Yuna Roma Seiran''': This country isn't your plaything! Will you stop making decisions based on how you feel?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Captain Todaka''': They want us to side with the army that invaded us and fire on a ship that fought heroically to save Earth. I believe the appropriate word here is &quot;ungrateful.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Captain Todaka''': Hell if I care. I'm not a politician.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Shinn Asuka''': ''[activating his SEED mode for the first time]'' I won't let it end like this!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-13 &quot;Resurrected Wings&quot;'' ===

:'''[[w:Rey Za Burrel|Rey Za Burrel]]''': Being alive is a gift, the most valuable of all because it means there will be a tomorrow.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Andrew Waltfeld''': Lacus. You have the keys, don't you? We'll open the door. There's no choice. Or do you think it'd be better for everyone here to die obediently? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''PHASE-14 &quot;Flight to Tomorrow&quot;'' ===
:'''Kira Yamato''': ''[[after rescuing Cagalli]''Wow, this is a pretty amazing dress.
:'''Cagali Yula Athha''': Shut It!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Captain Todaka''': I'm counting on you, ''Archangel''. Take good care of Lady Cagalli... and the future of our world.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-15 &quot;Return to the Battlefield&quot;'' ===
:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': What were you people thinking? That was a very stupid move--kidnapping a country's head of state from her own wedding basically makes you international criminals!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Neo Roanoke''': Ah, we meet again. I found you, little puppy.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-16 &quot;Struggle in the Indian Ocean&quot;'' ===

:'''Auel Neider''': You don't think that's gonna hit me, do you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Sting Oakley|Sting Oakley]]''': Come on! Show me what you got, newbie. Let's have some fun.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:[Auel Neider has just fired on the ''Nyiragongo'']
:'''Nyiragongo Captain''': Hard to port! Engines at maximum! Evade!
:'''Nyiragongo Crewmate''': Too late, sir! We're finished!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Shinn Asuka''': If you want to hit me, go right ahead! But I don't give a damn! I didn't do anything wrong back there; all I did was help those people in that base!
:''[Athrun hits Shinn again]''
:'''Athrun Zala''': War is not some game to play the hero. Stop making decisions to please yourself. If you have all this power, take responsibility for it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-17 &quot;A Soldier's Qualification&quot;'' ===

:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': We can't keep hiding at the bottom of the sea like a bunch of oysters in their shells.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Andrew Waltfeld''': Well, you could say that tricking people is what politics is all about.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Yolant Kent''': Y'know, it wouldn't be all that hard to remove a couple of circuits from the Saviour......
:'''Athrun Zala''': I can still hear you, ya know.
:'''Yolant Kent and Vino Dupre''': AHHH! 
:'''Athrun Zala''': And everything you said earlier.
:'''Yolant Kent and Vino Dupre''': Sorry, sir!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Athrun Zala''': Anyone who has ever wept because they felt weak or powerless has always had those kinds of thoughts. Oh, yes. But the moment you acquire all that power you dreamt of, you become the one who causes others to weep tears of loss. Never forget that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-18 &quot;Attack the Lohengrin!&quot;'' ===

:''[After Lunamaria congratulates Athrun on his handling of Shinn, Athrun enters an elevator and closes the door]''
:'''Lunamaria Hawke''': Did he just brush me off?
:'''Rey Za Burrel''': Um... beats me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Shinn Asuka''': To hell with that bastard and his &quot;I think you got what it takes&quot; crap! He just didn't want to fly this stupid maze himself!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Athrun Zala''': You know, when you thought yourself 'If only I have the power! I need more power!' Anyone who's ever wept because they felt weak and powerless, has had those kind of thoughts. Yes! But the moment you acquire all that power you dreamed of, you become the one who causes others to wept tears of loss. Just try not to forget that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-19 &quot;The Hidden Truth&quot;'' === 

:'''Sting Oakley''': We don't need to understand the big picture. The goals of this war don't matter to us. What's important is what we can do for them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''PHASE-20 &quot;Past&quot;'' ===

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''PHASE-21 &quot;Roaming Eyes&quot;'' ===

:'''Shinn Asuka''': Do you want to die, you twit!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Stella Loussier''': Shinn... you said you'd protect me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''PHASE-22 &quot;The Sword of the Azure Skies&quot;'' ===

:'''Lord Djibril''': There were embers out there primed to flare up and destroy the Coordinators, and I added fuel to them. Now you're telling me you're putting that fire out!? When all is said and done, the weak will always have to conform to the views of the powerful! The victorious are the righteous ones!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Heine Westenfluss|Heine Westenfluss]]''': I just don't think it's a very good idea to build walls of that nature between you and your fellow soldiers, Athrun. When we're out on the battlefield, all of us ZAFT mobile suit pilots are the same, right? Regardless of whether we're FAITH, red uniforms, or green uniforms. We're nothing like the Earth Forces who seem incapable of fighting except in huge groups under orders.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Heine Westenfluss''': Stop worrying! You have to concentrate. We're in the middle of a war and we're soldiers. If you forget, you'll die.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''PHASE-23 &quot;The Shadow of War&quot;'' ===

:'''Yuna Roma Seiran''': We can't just turn around and say, &quot;Sorry, we quit.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Heine Westenfluss''': This is no ZAKU, pal! No ZAKU!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Uzumi Nara Athha''' (Cagalli's flashback): We vow not to attack another nation, not to allow another nation to attack us, and not to intervene in the conflicts of other nations. We of Orb have been able to mantain these ideals in a era of sweeping changes, because we belive that it is the framework we human beings call a nation. Like-minded indiviuals gathered together in the spirit of harmony. As we face the present sitiuation, I still belive this to be true. The Earth Forces are threatening to attack us unless we join their camp; however, in light of our beliefs, we can not comply to their demands. For to accept that would be to accept the invasion of the most essential principles of Orb, no, the most important principles of humanity itself. The Earth forces vow to attack us if we do not flow the line and fall in with them; however, we can not submit to their ultimatum. For if we agree to join them, then the day would come when we as a country would be forced to fight against other contries, other nations, whose only crime is that they are enemies of the Earth forces. We will not allow another nation to attack us. This is integral to Orb's ideals and we will defend then until the very end, but unfortunately my fellow citizens, the threat is at our very door.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Heine Westenfluss''': Attacking all of us!? What the hell makes you so special!?

=== ''PHASE-24 &quot;Crossing Glances&quot;'' ===

=== ''PHASE-25 &quot;The Place of Sin&quot;'' ===

:'''Shinn Asuka''': This is crazy! It's unbelievable! They go on about Coordinators being a mistake and a crime against nature, and then they create these!? 
:'''Athrun Zala''': Shinn...
:'''Shinn Asuka''': How the hell can they say tinkering with genes is wrong when they are doing things like this!?
:'''Athrun Zala''': I couldn't agree more.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Auel Neider''': Calm down!? How do you expect me to calm down!? That lab is the place where my mother... m-mother... she's still there.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': But Athrun, I understand what you're saying, but we don't want you fighting against Orb even with things the way they are now... and actually not only Orb, because Athrun, what is lost in pointless battle is gone and never returned.
:'''Athrun Zala''': I've had enough of your sanctimonious talk. You think you've got all the answers!? Or have you forgotten all the lives you've personally taken!?
:'''Kira Yamato''': Yes, I know; and that's why I'm so sick and tired of all of it.
:'''Athrun Zala''': Kira...
:'''Kira Yamato''': I don't want to kill any more, and I will not let others kill.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kira Yamato''': If that's the case you've told us that you've gone and joined the ZAFT Forces again whats the next step? You were looking for us weren't you?
:'''Cagali Yula Athha''': Kira I don't think....
:''' Athrun Zala''': Because I wanna stop you from doing something like that again, I understand about the Junius 7 Incident but ever since then the Earth forces are completely to blame for this fiasco. Even so the PLANTs are making every effort to bring this foolishness to an end and the you guys show up and confuse the situation even further!
:'''Kira Yamato''': Are you sure about that, and that other Lacus Clyne? Whats the story with that other Lacus up in the Plants?, Maybe you can tell me why a squad of Coordinators showed up and tried to kill the real Lacus, Who in the world would want to have Lacus killed and for what reason? Until I have a clear answer to those questions I'm not trusting the PLANTs.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-26 &quot;Promise&quot;'' ===

:'''Andrew Waltfeld''': We got here early because we are in a hurry. And that's why we need ''you'' to hurry. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''PHASE-27 &quot;Unreachable Feelings&quot;'' ===

:'''Lord Djibril''': I'm not a man who likes to dwell on the past. However, I'm also not one to tolerate ''repeated'' failures.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lord Djibril''': The common masses are utter fools. They fail to give the future any thought at all. They raise whatever is most convenient to them at the drop of a hat.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Neo Roanoke''': I know you're not here to take your revenge, Stella. But this is the day we send that ship to hell.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''PHASE-28 &quot;Survivors and Sacrifices&quot;'' ===

:'''Shinn Asuka''': Why do you keep making... these pathetic excuses?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cagalli Yula Athha''': Orb should never fight like this. Don't be a slave to the Earth Forces!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Talia Gladys''': Even though that ship may not mean us any direct ill will, we suffered extensive damage because of its intervention last time. All hands are to consider that ship hostile.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Auel Neider''': I'm sick and tired of looking at that face! Today I'll gut you like a fish.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Sting Oakley''': Hey, hey, were you asleep or something? Stop running away!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Captain Todaka''': ''[To Yuna]'' A real battle is far different from those games you're so good at. It's not as easy as you seem to think.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Neo Roanoke''': ''[After witnessing the Abyss Gundam's explosion]'' Auel...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lieutenant Baba''': Today you will see our tears... and our determination!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Captain Todaka''': I will try to carry out your order to destroy the ''Minerva'' to the very end. I will take the blame for the ships and soldiers that we lost today. With this action, Orb's bravery will be unquestioned. The whole world will learn what we did here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Captain Todaka''': If you're so eager to lay down your life, then gather everyone who feels the same and go to the ''Archangel''. One day I know they'll find the right path.
:'''Lieutenant Amagi''': Captain Todaka...
:'''Captain Todaka''': Please do this. For me, and all those who gave their lives pointlessly today.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': I know what you're saying... I know what you're saying, but it doesn't matter. Because at this moment, Cagalli is crying her heart out. She's crying because all of this is exactly what she feared. Why won't you understand that? And now, are you telling me that this battle... these terrible sacrifices... they can't be helped!? That all of this is the fault of Orb and Cagalli? If you are saying that, then you are attacking the very thing that Cagalli is trying to save!
:'''Athrun Zala''': ''[Athrun is shocked by Kira's words]'' No, Kira... I...
:'''Kira Yamato''': Then I have no choice. I must defeat you! ''[Kira enters SEED mode]''
:''[They confront each other and the Freedom demolishes the Savior, leaving only the cockpit intact.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-29 &quot;FATES&quot;'' ===

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': All things are born into this world... and eventually they die. That is the pure and simple truth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': A path not chosen is the same as a path that never existed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': No matter how much we look back at the past, we never go back. We can not change what has already happened.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': People like you walk a path thinking something you desire is waiting for you. I walk to confirm there is ''nothing'' there.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rau Le Creuset''': But then what is hope? That all of your wishes and all of your dreams come true? To have your prayers answered? To turn back time because things weren't supposed to happen like that? Could you say with absolute certainty that you would not make the same mistake again? Who decided all this, and what's been decided? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-30 &quot;Ephemeral Dream&quot;'' ===

:'''Rey Za Burrel''': Whatever her life is like, I'm sure she'd like to live if given the chance.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rey Za Burrel''': All life, no matter how difficult, is worth living.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Neo Roanoke''': Even if it's a trap, you have to trigger it to know what's going on.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Neo Roanoke''': &quot;What are we fighting for?&quot;... we'll be jeopardized if we start to think about this kind of thing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''PHASE-31 &quot;The Neverending Night&quot;'' ===

:'''Shinn Asuka''': I guess this just goes to show that you don't know everything after all. Later.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rey Za Burrel''': What's in the past is in the past, and no one knows what the future holds. So it's hopeless to discuss either. All you can do is wait and hope for tomorrow.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lord Djibril''': You have to cut off diseased limbs quickly before the rot spreads.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': I just wish we're not the fools here. That we're not the ones making mistakes.
:'''Murrue Ramius''': Oh, Kira. For my part, I don't think there's anything foolish or mistaken about trying to protect the people who are important to you. We can't be sure about what's best for the entire world, but I believe, we love this world as much as we do, because of the people we love, who are in it. 
:'''Kira Yamato''': Ms. Murrue.
:'''Murrue Ramius''': I think everyones the same. That's why they struggle, and that's why they fight. But there are times when their methods, or rather our thoughts are different when it comes to achieving these things. Even though the world is what it is because of those we love.

=== ''PHASE-32 &quot;Stella&quot;'' ===

:'''Lord Djibril''': Wherever there is a ZAFT presence, we'll torch everything in sight. Anyone suspect of being intimate with them needs to be taught the lesson again. They need to remember that Naturals and Coordinators are different. And anyone who betrays that fact will find they've bought a one-way ticket to Hell.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Sting Oakley''': A mobile suit's performance doesn't decide who is strongest! I'll defeat you myself!!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': What are you trying to do!? Be a sitting duck!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-33 &quot;Revelation of the World&quot;'' ===

:'''Shinn Asuka''': It's all right now, Stella. You don't have to be afraid any more. You no longer have to suffer. You're free. Nothing will ever scare you again. Don't worry. It's all over. You can rest here in peace. Good night. I said I'd protect her. I said... I said I'd protect her. Stella! I'm sorry!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Murrue Ramius''': ''[Regarding Neo]'' This person is... Mu La Flaga. But... only in body.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Chief Murdoch''': But he's definitely the Commander, right?
:'''Kira Yamato''': Yeah.
:'''Neo Roanoke''': That's funny. When did I become a commander? I already made it clear to you that I'm a captain. I'm your prisoner, but that doesn't mean you can ''demote'' me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Neo Roanoke''': [to Murrue] What? Did you fall in love with me at first sight, Miss Beautiful?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Shinn Asuka''': Never mind, Rey. Advice from someone who lost a battle is no good to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-34 &quot;Nightmare&quot;'' ===
:'''Shinn Asuka:''' ''[To Kira]'' You are not going to get away from me. You were the one who killed Stella! Even though I tried to stop you!&lt;br&gt;
:'''Shinn Asuka:''' ''[To Kira]'' I'm the one who's gonna defeat you! ''Right here, right now!''


:'''Shinn Asuka''': ''[laughing after defeating the Freedom]'' I did it, Stella. I can finally...

:'''Athrun Zala''': KIRA!!!!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-35 &quot;End of Chaos &quot;'' ===
:'''ZAFT Recruit 1''': ''[to Shinn]'', are you the one took down the Freedom?
:'''Shinn Asuka''': Yep!
:'''ZAFT Recruit 2''': You deserve another medal for that
:'''Rey Za Burrel''': Shinn, congratulations

:'''Shinn Asuka''': ''[To Athrun]'' I took revenge today... for you, too. ''[Athrun grabs Shinn by the collar dropping the latter's helmet in the process]'' What are you doing?
:'''Lunamaria Hawke''': No, Athrun, Shinn.

:'''Athrun Zala''': You bastard! Kira wasn't even trying to kill you. He was just... he was just... But you, you took revenge on him?
:'''Shinn Asuka''': I have no idea what you're talking about (Athrun), let go of me.
:'''Athrun Zala''': Does it make you happy that you shot him down? Does it make you proud?!? What was the point, huh?

:'''Shinn Asuka''': And why shouldn't I be happy? I have beaten a powerful enemy. Why shouldn't I feel good about that? Tell me, what would I feel, should I be crying like a baby? Should I be praying? Or maybe it would be better if I died out there, is that what you want?
:'''Athrun Zala''': Shinn! ''[Punches Shinn in the face]''
:'''Shinn Asuka''': Why you... ''[About to charge Athrun but is restrained by one of his comrades]''
:'''Rey Za Burrel''': Athrun, please show some restraint. Athrun, I understand that Shinn has a problem with his attitude. &lt;!--To be continued--&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Athrun Zala''': Kira and the Archangel they are not our enemies.
:'''Shinn Asuka''': What are you talking about? Of course...
:'''Rey Za Burrel''': They're enemies. I have no idea what their intentions were. But if our nation says they're enemies, they are.

:'''Neo Roanoke''': ''[To Murrue]'' This &quot;Mu La Flaga&quot;, who is he to you?

=== ''PHASE-36 &quot;Athrun on the Run&quot;'' ===

:'''Meer Campbell''': Athrun! Athrun, how come?
:'''Athrun Zala''': The chairman only wants people who will play the roles he assigned them.
:'''Meer Campbell''': What?
:'''Athrun Zala''': He wants a Lacus he can use, and he wants me to be a pet mobile suit pilot. You're useful to him now, but he's not going to need you forever. And when he's finished with you, he's gonna have you killed. You must come with me!
:'''Meer Campbell''': But I'm... I'm Lacus Clyne.
:'''Athrun Zala''': Meer!
:'''Meer Campbell''': No! I ''am'' Lacus Clyne. I'm Lacus! I'd rather be her!
:'''Athrun Zala''': You're not...
:'''Meer Campbell''': I don't care if it's a only a role! As long as I... as long as I play it right! What's wrong with that kind of life anyway? We can still go back, Athrun. Come on. It'll be okay.

:'''Rey Za Burrel''': I see you've chosen to run away. ''Again!''&lt;br&gt;
:'''Athrun Zala''': Rey!&lt;br&gt;
:'''Rey Za Burrel''': This is unforgiveable! You've betrayed Gilbert's trust!&lt;br&gt;
:''[Rey fires his gun at Athrun and Meyrin.]''
:'''Athrun Zala''': Stop firing Rey! Meyrin's here!&lt;br&gt;
:''[Rey doesn't listen and keeps shooting at them.]''&lt;br&gt;
:'''Ray Za Burrel''': Shinn! Get the Destiny and the Legend prepared for launch!&lt;br&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-37 &quot;The Darkness of Thunder&quot;'' ===
'''Shinn Asuka''': (to Athrun) This is all your fault! Because you... YOU BETRAYED US!!!

=== ''PHASE-38 &quot;A New Flag&quot;'' ===

:'''Lord Djibril''': It is okay to blame, it is okay to have ideals too... Well, everything is pointless if you don't win it. It has been decided since the ancient times that the victor wins it all.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''PHASE-39 &quot;Kira of the Skies&quot;'' ===

:'''Andrew Waltfeld''': [Reading Durandal's Journal]People are not born for the world's sake. Only places where there are people are called the &quot;world.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': Thanks, Lacus. With this new machine, I can fight properly. The way I know how.
:'''Lacus Clyne''': Kira...
:'''Kira Yamato''': Wait here. I'll be right back. And then we'll return... back to our friends.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


=== ''PHASE-40 &quot;Legacy Of Gold&quot;'' ===

:'''Uzumi Nara Athha''': ''[on a recorded message.]'' If the day should come when you wish for power. I will send this to you in response to your emergency.There were many things that I could not teach you. But as long as you strive to learn, you should be able to obtain those things from the people who love and support you.Therefore I will send this and this alone. Although it is foolish to wish for only more power, It is also foolish to balk at power as a reckless thing.  If you are in need of a sword to protect others, take this now. If it is for the sake of doing what you have determined you must do of your own free will. But what your father truly wishes for is that the day you have to listen to this never comes. Although this wish may not reach you as you have opened this door. Please live happily, Cagalli.
:'''Cagali Yula Athha''': The Akatsuki?.....Yes
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-41 &quot;Refrain&quot;'' ===

=== ''PHASE-42 &quot;Freedom and Justice&quot;'' ===

:'''Neo Roanoke''': Sorry for that intrusion, but I have a score to settle with the ''Minerva''. Don't worry, you can win this. After all, I'm the man who can make the impossible possible.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kira Yamato''': Wanting to help out, but not being able to could be the worst thing to happen...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lacus Clyne''': It's scary when someone closes their mind. That is it. That's all there is. They only see an end.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lacus Clyne''': Power is whatever one makes of it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-43 &quot;A Call Of Counterattack&quot;'' ===

:'''Neo Roanoke''': ''[to Murrue]'' I think that maybe... I know you. Yes... I know you. My body knows. My eyes, my ears, my arms... And that's why I couldn't just fly off. I think I know how hard it's been for you. It's been hard for me too. I would like... to stay right here, with you, by your side.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kira Yamato''': ''[while seeing the Legend]'' That's not his (Mobile Suit). ''[referring to Rau Le Creuset which made Kira remember a flashback of the Providence Gundam]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Athrun Zala''': You can't just fight without knowing the true reason behind your anger!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Athrun Zala''': Know what you're fighting for. Fighting for its own sake is pointless. Understand why you are so angry.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-44 &quot;Lacus Times Two&quot;'' ===

:'''Rey Za Burrel''': Everyone seems to be so concerned about the question of truth. But why? Why are people always concerned with it? Is the true always right, and the false always wrong?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Talia Gladys''': I'm also confused by it. However, the only thing I know is that our commander is not Lacus Clyne. We are not acting according to her orders.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lord Djibril''': And now, Chairman Durandal, I shall play... ''A REQUIEM FOR YOU AND ALL YOUR KIND!!''
:[''Djibril fires the Requiem Cannon, destroying several PLANTs'']

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-45 &quot;Prelude to a Revolution&quot;'' ===

:[''After Rey kills Djibril during his escape attempt'']
:'''Gilbert Durandal:''' Thank you, Djibril. Goodbye, and good riddance.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-46 &quot;The Song of Truth&quot;'' ===

:'''Lacus Clyne''': If it's my name you want, you may have it. Take it all. But even then... you and I will still be different people, and that cannot be changed. None of us can be anything other than ourselves. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-47 &quot;Meer&quot;'' ===

:'''Meer Campbell''': I'm Lacus. Because I am, aren't I!? Because my voice and face are the same! What's wrong with that!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:Why did it turn out like this? Even if we think about it, we already know it is meaningless, yet my heart is wandering in search for it. We experienced a devastating war not too long ago, and we swore at that time that we would never repeat such catastrophes again. And yet, Junius-7 has fallen, our efforts were in vain, and hostilities have opened up once again. The war has spread without any protest, and we have gained the same sadness and pain once again.

:Honestly, what is the meaning of the foolish repetition of a tragedy? For once, as I have mentioned in the past, the cause was definitely due to the existence of Logos. Those who fabricated false enemies, stirred fear into the hearts and minds of the innocent, and made people fight against one another, while reaping the ill-received gains of war. Those behind the scenes fueled this conflict with disastrous results, leading to the deaths of countless individuals; these people deserve to be named “The Merchants of Death”. We, after this long struggle have triumphed and defeated them. That is why I dare to address this... that we have to fight an enemy that has existed since the beginning of time. We have to overcome and release its influence it has on all of us.

:Everyone must be well aware of it by now; it is the reason why ever since man had the capacity to understand, conflicts never disappear from human history. Our greatest enemy is ever-present is the ignorance and desire within us that we can never keep subdued. We distanced ourselves from the violent Earth and took refuge in space, and now that we have achieved the physical and mental abilities we desired above all else, people still do not understand each other. They still do not understand themselves, and with fear blocking their judgment, people cannot see the future.

:As equals? No, with more riches and more enjoyment, the hand that grasps those evil desires within all of us... that is what we have become today: the seed of all conflicts. But the time has come to put an end to all this endless suffering. We have achieved a way to subdue all of that, and the only true answer is within us. All of mankind’s greatest questions are within all our bodies. With this, people will be able to understand their own, as well as others past and future. This is the only cure to prevent the infinite cycle of pain and suffering. As my final escort plan, with all of mankind’s future at stake, I hereby declare the execution of the Destiny Plan.

:&amp;mdash; Gilbert Dullindal's speech

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''PHASE-48 &quot;To a New World&quot;'' ===

:'''Talia Gladys''': War is a part of politics, in which the whole picture cannot be read.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''PHASE-49 &quot;Rey&quot;'' ===

:'''Rey Za Burrel''': We are all born to this world as flawed children. So this time, we must end everything, in order not to let any more children like us be born again!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

=== ''FINAL PLUS: &quot;The Chosen Future&quot;'' ===

:'''Rey Za Burrel''': ''Kira Yamato...! You shouldn't have been allowed...'' [scene changes to that of Rau, two years ago] ''...to exist, boy!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lacus Clyne''': Orb is more important than us. Orb is the only thing left standing on in the way of their plan. If we lose Orb, we lose the world, we must protect it at all cost! So Athrun, Captain Ramius, please go. Now hurry
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shinn Asuka''': Rey! Freedom, you bastard!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

'''Rey Za Burrel''': Shinn, join forces with the Minerva, go after the Archangel. I will deal with the Freedom. &lt;br&gt;
'''Shinn Asuka''': No, Rey!&lt;br&gt;
'''Rey Za Burrel''':You take care of the Justice, and make sure you get that traitor. To everything that happened before.

:'''Shinn Asuka''': Yes, I understand!
:'''Rey Za Burrel''': That's right, the end is ahead... 
:'''Kira Yamato''': (seeing flashbacks of his final duel with Rau le Creuset) What's this? How is this possible?
:'''Rey Za Burrel''': This time for certain...
:'''Kira Yamato''': It can't be.
:'''Rey Za Burrel''': THE END OF EVERYTHING!

:'''Kira Yamato''': Who is that? Who are you?
:'''Rey Za Burrel''': (as Rau le Creuset) I'm sure you recognize me now... I am Rau le Creuset!
:'''Mu La Flaga''': They've got a lot of guys, yep. But you need more than just numbers!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Gilbert Dullindal''': I have to admit, it's amazing.
:'''Rau le Creuset''': ''[appearing as a ghost beside him]'' What is?
:'''Gilbert Dullindal''': The fights...the battles...the wars. People really love to fight, don't they?
:'''Rau le Creuset''': And how are ''you'' different?
:'''Gilbert Dullindal''': All I want is to win. Preferably without fighting.
:'''Rau le Creuset''': But you know, there are some things that you can't win.
:'''Gilbert Dullindal''': ''[thinks of Talia]'' Yes...I lost that day. Sometimes even when you fight, you can't win; an unobtainable victory. Then...why do people fight, even when death is inevitable? Why are we even born, for that matter?
:'''Rau le Creuset''': ''[laughs]'' Like I said before: they exist only to find out that reason. You probably don't like that answer, though.
:'''Gilbert Dullindal''': That's right. I'm sorry, but I'll have nothing to do with it; I will not be caught in an internal struggle, nor will I lose...like you did.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kira Yamato''': Rau le Creuset?
:'''Rey Za Burrel''': Mankind's dreams... mankind's future! You are the splendid result: Kira Yamato! And because of that, your existence must come to an end... you will disappear along with us...! ''For the sake of the new world that is to come!!''


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rey Za Burrel''': Gil, where's Rau?
:'''Gilbert Durandal''': Rau is no longer with us. But you are also Rau. That is your destiny

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Gilbert Dullindal''': ''[flashback]'' The one thing you cannot run away from is yourself.
:'''Rey Za Burrel''': ''[to Kira]'' And one thing you cannot recover is your past! That's why... we must put an end to all of this, to sweep everything away! So we shall  return what we were meant to be! Humanity... '' the world!!''
:'''Kira Yamato''': No, you're wrong! We all have just one life to live. This is your life you're living, not his!
[Kira then attacks Rey in burst mode destroying Legend in the process]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Athrun Zala''': Shinn, just stop it already, it's pointless now!
:'''Shinn Asuka''': Damn it! Why am I... I can't lose to you! Not to you!
:'''Athrun Zala''': You must stop fighting to change your past, you've got to move on!
:''[Shinn and Lunamaria are stunned by Athrun's words.]''
:'''Athrun Zala''': No matter what you do, you cannot bring them back! 
:''[Flashbacks of fallen comrades and families as Athrun emphasizes his point.]''
:'''Shinn Asuka''': How dare you?!
:'''Athrun Zala''': And now you're gonna destroy the future too? Is that it?!
:'''Shinn Asuka''': I understand. I understand that! But, that's exactly why the world has to change!! Also, that's why Orb must be destroyed!
:'''Lunamaria Hawke''': ''[Lunamaria is shocked and horrified by Shinn's destructive motives and remarks..]'' ''Shinn''...! 
:'''Athrun Zala''': Stop talking back to me in that nonsense! Destroying everything like this... and even killing the future...! Is this really the world you desired?! Or the power you desired?!
:''[Shinn reflects at his painful past]''
:'''Shinn Asuka''': It's not the same... ''it's not!''
:''[Shinn charges head on at Athrun, but Lunamaria jumps in between the two, trying to stop them fighting each other.]''
:'''Lunamaria Hawke''': Shinn, stop it already! Athrun, you too!
:''[Shinn wildly screams at seeing the ghosts of his past.]''
:'''Shinn Asuka''': Stella! Mayu! ''MAKE IT STOP!!!''
:''[Shinn continues to attack, to Lunamaria's shock. Athrun goes into Seed Mode, and shields Lunamaria from Shinn's attack.]''
:'''Athrun Zala''': You crazy bastard!!
:''[Athrun then cripples Shinn's Destiny Gundam, and Shinn screams in pain as he crashes upon the moon surface.]''
:'''Lunamaria Hawke''': Shinn!
:''[Lunamaria rushes to look after Shinn, as Athrun looks on with regret]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Athrun, Shinn, Lunamaria, Meyrin are present at the Orb War Memorial as Shinn lays flowers and pays to his deceased family]''
:'''Lunamaria Hawke''': Then, your parents don't have their graves at all?
:'''Shinn Asuka''': Yeah. There's only a small memorial for them.
:''[Athrun, Shinn, Lunamaria, Meyrin silently remember the dead, and sadly looks around the memorial, and Shinn grips Mayu's cell phone very hard in anguish and anger.]''
:'''Shinn Asuka''': I've been always hating this place... for a very long time. But, it's been always on my mind. This isn't used to be like this; it didn't look like this either. Maybe this means that no one should be deceived by what they see. No matter how beautiful the flowers are, people will always blow them away all over again. But this place... looking at this place, making me hate even more!
:'''Lunamaria Hawke''': Shinn...
::''[Athrun, Shinn, Lunamaria, Meyrin stands in silence, then Birdy flies in, followed by Kira and Lacus]''
:'''Athrun Zala''': Kira!
::(everyone else looks in surprise)
:: &quot;[Lacus lays flowers on the memorial as others stand by her]&quot;
:'''Kira Yamato''': You're all here, I guess?
:'''Athrun Zala''': Yeah...
::(Another silent moment passes by, and Athrun steps forward to introduce Kira to Shinn)
:'''Athrun Zala''': Shinn, this is Kira. Kira Yamato, the pilot of Freedom.
::(Both Shinn and Lunamaria are surprised with wide eyes, as Shinn remember meeting Kira not long time ago)
:'''Kira Yamato''': (Extends his hand to Shinn as a friendly gesture.) Won't you accept it?
::(After a brief hesitation, Shinn return his hand and gives Kira handshake.)
:'''Shinn Asuka''': Ummm... I... I'm so...
:'''Kira Yamato''': No matter how many times people try to blow away the flowers, we'll always replant them back. I'm sure of it.
::(Shinn open his eye wide in apprehension)
:'''Shinn Asuka''': Umm... Yeah...
:'''Athrun Zala''': That's exacly our fight.
:'''Kira Yamato''': Let's fight together, okay?
::(After brief moment, Shinn shakes Kira's hands with tears on his face)
:'''Shinn Asuka''': Yeah! 
'':Next Ninja''

== Gundam SEED C.E. 73 Stargazer ==


=== ''Stage 02'' ===

:'''Mudie Holcroft''': My teacher once said, &quot;The only good Coordinator is a dead Coordinator.&quot;

:'''Sol Ryuune L'ange''': Edmond said this before, right? &quot;Look up and move on. Because you'll become jealous or frightened if you look to your sides or below you. The one who looks up. The one who'll look at the stars beyond. Stargazer.&quot;

=== ''Stage 03'' ===

== Gundam SEED Destiny Special Edition 1-4 ==
:'''Kira Yamato''': Right now, it's the only option we have. We all wanna do something to help, and really, none of us are sure if this is the best way to help out. But we can't just give up now, can we. And knowing something's not right but doing nothing about it is just as bad. We know what that will bring. I think we know all too well. That's why we have to go: to prevent history from repeating itself.

:'''Athrun Zala''': In battle, your forces must use only enough power to cause the enemy to lose the will to fight, eliminating the threat with the least amount of damage. Anything less, and your forces will lose. Anything more, and newer different difficulties will arise. The problem lies in the fact that on the battlefield, there are many who understand this.. and many who don't. 

:'''Athrun Zala''': Thou may freely eat off every tree in the garden, but never touch the tree that grants the knowledge of good and evil. For the day that thou eatest thereof, thou shall surely die. But the serpent, who was the most cunning of all the creatures brought forth at that time, had this to say, &quot;Ye shall not die, for God doth know that the day ye eat thereof, thine eye shall be opened. Ye will know of good and evil, and ye shall be as God is.&quot; And that God knows that fact. And so it is said that the first humans ate of the fruit.

:'''Athrun Zala''': It was as if I was in the middle of a nightmare. Why do we keep fighting like that? Why do we have to fight? About things I thought I knew, with a friend I thought I knew, but now, bit by bit, piece by piece, things are once again falling apart. There's what we can do, and what we should do. It felt like even those words were beginning to fade away into nothingness. 

:'''Athrun Zala''': Everyone was hurting. Everything that's happened. Is it the price we have to pay for what we've done? All of us hope for the same thing. We wanted a world with no war, a world in which this tragedy would never occur again. But with the path we're on right now, it seems that if we choose that dream, it will only come at the cost of everything we have. Given the situation, will people be able to keep their hopes alive? Was this really the only path open to us? We know how to say no, but it was as if the words we're looking for, keep fading into the distance, lost in the hazy skies of war. 

:'''Kira Yamato''': We take things for granted when times are peaceful, and we quickly forget. But moments like this, are among the happiest of life. 

:'''Athrun Zala''': Eventually everyone learns. Like the first person did, about good and evil. Now the fear was, that they'd reach out for the fruit from the tree of life, and live forever. As a result, people were punished, and exiled from paradise and eternal happiness. Could this be the reason why humanity is forever stretching their arms out? Searching for the garden they lost in the distant past, forbidden from ever returning to it? But time only flows one way, that's why I believe that what we're really searching for still lies ahead. Somewhere in our future, though there may not be a tree of life, I'd like to think that some day we will fashion a garden with our own hands. One where we can live in peace and in happiness. 
== External Links ==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:Anime and manga series]]
[[Category:Gundam]]
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    <title>Megas XLR</title>
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'''''[[w:Megas XLR|Megas XLR]]''''' (2004–2005) was an American animated television series that aired on the [[w:Toonami|Toonami]] block on [[w:Cartoon Network|Cartoon Network]] and is produced by [[w:Cartoon Network Studios|Cartoon Network Studios]].

==Season 1==

===''Test Drive'' [1.01]===
:'''Gorrath''': A time warp? That's impossible. That technology is only theoretical. Earthers can't even TELL time, let alone travel through it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kiva''':''[After Coop bested Kiva's mech with a spectacular wrestling move]'' My drones! I can't understand how you beat me.
:'''Coop''': Yeah...it kinda ROCKED. ''[Kiva looks at him]'' I mean, sorry about that.
:'''Kiva''': How did YOU get to be such a good pilot? 
:'''Coop''': Well...''[Flashback occurs. Mainly showing Coop sitting by the couch playing video games, he gets older, Jamie comes along and they both get older]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kiva''': My robot wasn't meant to be a toy for some prehistoric yahoo and his pet monkey-thing!
:'''Jamie''': Monkey-thing? '''MONKEY-THING?! BLAST HER, COOP!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gorrath''': Take us into Null Space, so we can affect repairs.
:'''Commander''': Hmpf! Don't you mean: &quot;run away because we got our jhorblochs handed to us by ONE EARTHER&quot;? ''[Gorrath glares at him and the Commander shields his own face tentacles]'' Not the face!
:'''Gorrath''': Tread lightly, Commander...or you might find yourself at the head of the next assault...'''WITHOUT A MECH!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coop''': All right, you alien chumps! You're in MY town and nobody gets to wreck it.''[Record Scratches]'' Uh...Except for me!

===''Battle Royale'' [1.02]===
:'''Magnanimous''': We all know there's no way you can beat all of us and protect the &quot;subform&quot; here.
:'''Jamie''': SUB-FORM? Go get 'em Kiva, I got your back!
:'''Kiva''': ''[After both of them get captured]'' ''[sarcasticaly]'' Thanks for getting my back...
:'''Jamie''': ''[To Magnanimous]'' I wasn't doing anything! Hey, I don't even know her!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Magnanimous''': [[Evil Dead 2|Groovy]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coop''': ''[To Magnanimous]'' Okay you big-headed, tater-tot looking freak! You tricked me, you stacked the odds against me, you threatened my friends AND you insult my robot...NOW I'm mad!

===''All I Wanted Was a Slushie'' [1.03]===
:'''R.E.G.I.S. Mark V''': I am the Replicant Engineered for Galactic Infiltration and Sabotage Mark V.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kiva''': First we need to run through all the systems.
:'''Jamie''': ''[Groans]'' But that could take ''hours''.
:'''Coop''': Could. Won't. ''[Coop flies Megas into space and pushes practically all the buttons.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''R.E.G.I.S. Mark V''': ''[After crushing the Megaslush machine infront of Coop]'' Do not panic. ''[Draws several weapons]'' You will all die. ''[R.E.G.I.S. chases after some people]''
:'''Jamie''': Coop, we got to stop that thing! Before it hurts ME!
:'''Coop''': THAT &quot;Thing&quot;...Just Hurt...My Megaslush!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coop''': ''[To R.E.G.I.S.]'' Hey, pal! I believe you owe me and my friend here a Megaslush.
:'''R.E.G.I.S. Mark V''': Who dares challenge R.E.G.I.S.? R.E.G.I.S. is the destroyer of worlds, consumer of their rubble, bringer of despair. R.E.G.I.S. is- ''[Gets crushed by Megas]''
:'''Jamie''': Nice!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''R.E.G.I.S. Mark V''': Surrender now, and I will destroy you peacefully.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''R.E.G.I.S. Mark V''': The R.E.G.I.S. Mark V is invincible. No weapon forged by such a primitive species can defeat R.E.G.I.S., which is invincible.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kiva''': ''[After seeing the R.E.G.I.S. Mark V repeatedly regenerate after being physically beaten down]'' Just to reiterate: Smashing bad.
:'''Jamie''': You know, normally I'm pro-smashing, and I hate to agree with future-girl, but maybe smashing isn't the way to go this  time.
:'''Coop''': We tried no smashing, and that didn't work. I'm sticking to my strengths...And smashing is my strengths. I just need to find the right way to smash him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''R.E.G.I.S. Mark V''':  The R.E.G.I.S. Mark V is the ultimate fighting machine. Unstoppable, merciless, glorious. No one is safe from the R.E.G.I.S..

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coop''': All I wanted was a Megaslush, just ONE Megaslush! But you wouldn't let me have it would you? You busted up my town and you tried to eat my robot...NOW you're going down! HARD!

===''The Fat and the Furious'' [1.04]===
:'''Gorrath''': I must admit that your strategies are strange and cunning...but mostly strange.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coop''': All right, you intergalactic snots! You busted up my car show!
:'''Jamie''': Yeah!
:'''Coop''': You wrecked my friends' rides! 
:'''Jamie''': Yeah! 
:'''Coop''': AND! You made me run half a block!
:'''Jamie''': Yeah! ''[record scratch]'' Wait-Half a block? 
:'''Coop''': Now, it's payback time!

===''Buggin’ the System'' [1.05]===
:'''Jamie''': Coop, &quot;Magnoflex!&quot; NOW!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coop''': Listen up, you low rent Mothra wannabe! You going down and you going down EXTRA hard! No one gets away with trying to mess up MY robot! Let's get it on!

===''TV Dinner'' [1.06]===
:'''Megas’ Dashboard''': Missiles - More Missiles - '''ALL the Missiles!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coop''': ''[The TV suddenly turns off]'' No... ''[Coop leaps onto the table showering Jamie with food] '''NO!!!''' [Coop desperately smacks the TV to get it to work]'' ''No!''
:'''Jamie''': ''[Still covered in food]'' Looks like the cable's out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kiva''': Coop, forget it. It's just Television. The world can live without it.
:'''Coop''': ''[Coop imagines a bright happy world without TV where he is left as a pauper]'' No...I won't let that happen!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jamie''': ''[As MEGAS gets sucked into the Planet Monster's surface]'' So THIS is how it all ends...I always thought I'd go down fighting a bunch of cyborg ninjas, or something cooler this-''[MEGAS gets sucked beneath the surface]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coop''': It's too bad we can't force it to over-eat. I mean, it always does me in. 
:'''Jamie''': No it doesn't.
:'''Coop''': Well, yeah, but regular people get sick if they eat too much.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coop''': No! I'm sick of this thing. It's trying to eat my planet, it messed up my paint job with acid boogs AND it made me miss my show! I'M taking this TV eating sucka to the mat.

===''Breakout'' [1.07]===
:'''Grrkek''': I should thank you for releasing me. 
:'''Coop''': Don't mention it! 
:'''Grrkek''': Instead I shall destroy you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grrkek''': ''[Now twice as large as before]'' Remember me?
:'''Coop''': I remember I whooped your jacked up alien butt.
:'''Grrkek''': A temporary setback. But thanks to your laser beam, I feel good enough to kill a thousand planets. Guess where I'm going to start? 
:'''Coop''': Uh, I don't know, '''YOUR MOM'S HOUSE!?''' ''[Grrkek kicks Megas]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grrkek''': Now you'll see why they call me Grrkek the Planet Killer. ''[pause]'' Actually, you'll be too dead to see anything. But you get the idea.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coop''': First, he smashes my car, which I was going to fix by the way! Then he breaks my videogame--
:'''Jamie''': Coop, ''you'' broke that.
:'''Coop''': I'm on a roll here, man! And NOW he wants to break my planet? Well, I got news for you buddy! This town ain't big enough for the both...of...us? ''[Coop notices the giant tidal wave]''

===''Dude, Where’s my Head?'' [1.08]===
:'''Jamie''': Come on man, haven't I always been there for you?
:'''Coop''': ''[Thinking to himself, Flashbacks to Coop waiting by himself for Jamie at the movie theater,an amusement park, at Coop's Birthday,at Jamie's Birthday]'' Alright, but don't be touching none of the special buttons or nothing. ''[He gives Jamie the car keys]''
:'''Jamie''': Yeah yeah, I promise. ''[He takes the keys leaving Coop alone like in the flashbacks]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gorrath''': ''[In a Mech that looks like MEGAS]'' Tremble before me! Pitiful earth filth!
:'''Goat''': Sweet new paint job, bro.
:'''Tiny''': Looking good, Coop!
:'''Gorrath''': ''[Groans]'' What is wrong with this planet?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Coop''': I installed it so that I could still operate MEGAS, if I was working on the car. I'm still tweaking it. ''[A nearby controller catches on fire and Coop quickly puts it out]'' ''[With a nervous laugh]'' Like I said, I'm still tweaking it...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coop''': Alright tentacle-breath. You copied my robot, hit me when I wasn't looking, threatened my town-
:'''Jamie''': AND you almost ruined my date!

===''Bad Guy'' [1.09]===
:'''Coop''': It takes many years of intensive training to cultivate ''this'' kind of refined appetite. ''[Flashback of Coop eating tons of food as he grows up]'' Many years...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Coop is accused of being a Bad Guy by the S-Force]''
:'''Coop''': Who, ME?  It's just an eating contest. Is it a crime to eat?
:'''Jamie''': The way you do it, it should be.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Ender''': I am Ender. I end things. People, planets, galaxies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Ender''': Now I am free to conquer and destroy! Or destroy and conquer! Or just destroy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Megas’ Dashboard''': ''[Power levels]'' Low Energy - Fair Amount - Normal - Too Much! - Getting Ridiculous - Are You Kidding?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coop''': What's this &quot;OMNICRON13&quot; thingy?
:'''Argo''': No! You destabilized the wave pattern! Who knows what will happen? Don't activate it!
:'''Coop''': ''[Immediately activates it]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coop''': Listen chump. I was just doing my own thing, when some robot-riding circus freaks jumped me! And then you had to show up and start bashing my town! And for SOME reason, everyone keeps calling ME-The Bad Guy! I may not be the best guy...But I sure ain't no bad guy! Yo, S-Force! You ready?
:'''Argo''': No! NO!
:'''Sloan''':''[cries]'' My robot!

===''Junk in the Trunk'' [1.10]===
:'''Coop''': No way! This guy sicked a giant worm-thingy on me, chased my pals around with zombie-robots ''and'' made me break a perfectly good Photonic Stabilizer! I'm putting you in a hurt-locker and slamming the door, junkman!

===''DMV: Dept. of Megas Violations'' [1.11]===
:'''Coop''': This alien chick thinks she can get my ride towed, make me go to the DMV and take a road-test!? '''I DON'T NEED NO STINKING ROAD TEST!'''
:'''Jamie''': Eh, dude, none of that stuff is her fault.
:'''Coop''': Yeah...Well she's still trying to kidnap Kiva, that ain't cool neither.

===''Coop D’Etat'' [1.12]===
:'''Gyven''': ''[After knocking down Zanzoar from attacking MEGAS]'' Following their transpacial rift was a clever idea. I appreciate you finding them for me.
:'''Coop''': Hey, thanks buddy! I don't know what was up with that guy back there.
:'''Gyven''': ''[To Coop]'' Surrender defiler! Or I'll tear your circuits out of the core! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zanzoar''': ''[carrying Megas off]'' I ''WILL'' be emperor!
:'''Jamie''': And I ''WILL'' be sick...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jamie''': The Metal Maiden's a sword...The Metal Maiden's a sword?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coop''': Listen here, you walking water heater. YOU guys attacked me.
:'''Jamie''': Nope, that was you.
:'''Coop''': YOU screwed up my warp drive.
:'''Kiva''': You did that too.
:'''Coop''': AND you made me miss the Monster Truck combat of the century!
:'''Jamie''': Again, all you.
:'''Coop''': Do ya mind? I'm on a roll here. Right! ''[Pause]'' What was I saying? Ah, forget it!

===''Driver’s Seat'' [1.13]===
:'''Gorrath''': You are the one stain on my perfect record of conquest.
:'''Coop''': Then you must have gone up against some pretty lame chumps.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Megas’ Dashboard''':  Bet You Can't Guess What This Button Does

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coop''': ''[To Gorrath]'' Come on, don't stop now. What else ya got? I've got only one arm and I'm still wiping the floor with ya! I think you'll need a bigger robot if you want to play with me anymore! What? You want me to drop the other arm so it's fair? '' [Kiva and Jamie shake their heads and wave their hands in desperation] ''
:'''Gorrath''': Let’s see how you like ''the Eradicator''. ''[Pushes a button and the ''Karrajor'' converts into an enormous mech with Megas hovering in front of it's cannons like a grain of sand]''
:'''Coop''': Well... ''That's'' pretty big.
:'''Jamie''': You just had to ask if he had a bigger robot, didn't you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Megas’ Dashboard''': ''[Various buttons]'' DESTROY THE WORLD. SMITE THE WORLD. DESTROY THE WORLD WORSE. Save the world. ''[The last button is missing, wires hanging all over]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Coop has just caused the Karrajor to be sucked into Null Space, seemingly destroying it]''
:'''Coop''': Man, now I really need another Big Glug... and a cheesesteak... or 28.
:'''Kiva''': Coop! You just destroyed the Glorft!
:'''Coop''': So? What'ya think was going to happen?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coop''': Now for a little payback. Me and MEGAS vs a bunch of Glorft bots that got the home field advantage...Sounds fair to me. Hey Squid! About those goodbyes. Uh, buh-bye! ''[Proceeds to destroy Glorft bots]''

==Season 2==

===''Ultra Chicks'' [2.01]===
:'''Ultra Cadet''': ''[to Jamie]'' Dont worry, Coop! We'll take care of this chubby thief and get your robot back!
:'''Coop''': ''[offended]'' Chubby? Ladies, this is ''fat''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kiva''': We better go find him. Leaving Jamie alone with some innocent aliens isn't a good idea.
:'''Coop''': What's the worst he can do? ''[Imagines Jamie as the King of an alien planet, an alien presents him a fish as a gift, Jamie gets angry and presses a button labeled &quot;NOT GOOD ENOUGH&quot; causing the entire planet to explode]'' You're right we better find him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jamie''': Stop! I'm not Coop!.
:'''Ultra Cadet''': What!?
:'''Jamie''': ''[Points at Coop]'' He's Coop. He's the guy you wanted...
:'''Ultra Cadet''': ''[To Coop]'' ''You're'' Coop?
:'''Goat''': ''[Whispering to Coop]'' I'll give you five bucks if you tell them I'm your sidekick...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coop''': That does it! You transforming girl-scout super freaks interrupted my quality junkyard time, kidnapped Jamie and made me miss second lunch. Oh, it's ON now!

===''The Return'' [2.02]===
:'''Kiva''': I knew there was something more to this than some stupid fight. This is about revenge!
:''' Magnanimous''': It's about more than that, red. You put me in a quantum singularity, destroyed my empire, made me broke! And gave me this twitch. ''[eye twitches]'' It's about hurting you and I wish to go on hurting you, so I am going to humiliate you LIVE. And while I'm at it, I think I might do a little destruction number on this planet of yours!...Oh wow, I guess it IS about revenge.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''T-Bot''': T-Bot will pounce you! Trounce you! And utterly denounce you!.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coop''': Alright, you chumps...You guys are trying to steal my title, you're wrecking my town and now you're making me seriously late on my video. You wanna fight-- ''[gets knocked down by T-bot]''
:'''T-Bot''': T-Bot wins no matter what! ''[Coop kicks T-Bot into the air]''

===''Don't Tell Mom the Baby-sitter's Coop'' [2.03]===
:'''Skippy''': So, who's the chick?
:'''Kiva''': &quot;Chick&quot;?
:'''Coop''': She's from the future.
:'''Skippy''': ''[looks at Kiva]'' Yeah, right.
:'''Coop''': Tell the kid something about the future, Kiva.
:'''Kiva''': Little boys like you are used as target practice for &quot;chicks&quot; like me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Megas’ Dashboard''': Eject Skippy

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gorrath''': I will return, earther! Your under-developed brain has no capacity to comprehend the horrors I have in store for you!
:'''Coop''': And my under-developed brain will be waitin'. ''[Thinks for a second]'' Hey!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coop''': Okay, you slimy chump. First, you come back after I kill ya, then ya try to beat up my cousin and now you think you're gonna shoot the moon into the Earth?! Well, I got your trigger right here! ''[accidentaly drops the trigger, which lands on Coop's lap. Coop sighs in relief, causing his belly to press the trigger, thereby activating the engine]''
:'''Kiva''': You fired the engine!
:'''Skippy''': Should have let a responsible child hold it.

===''Viva Las Megas'' [2.04]===
:'''Coop''': ''[After Kiva stops him from using his nukes]'' What's the point of having nukes if you can't use them?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''R.E.C.R.''':  I MUST destroy the enemy!
:'''Coop''': The enemy? What enemy? 
:'''R.E.C.R.''':  The enemy...[''R.E.C.R. thinks for a moment] EVERYTHING IS THE ENEMY!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''R.E.C.R.''': I was designed to defend this land, and I will do it by destroying everyone!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''R.E.C.R.''':  There is no way you can defeat the superior power of my massive 56 kilobyte processor!
:'''Coop''':  I've got 10-year old video games that are smarter than you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Megas’ Dashboard''': Do something stupid, Coop.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coop''': That's it! You locked me up in that undeground pit, made me miss my shot at being the Gonzo Game Master and now you smash the cheapest All you can eat buffet in town? You just gambled and LOST pal!
:'''Jamie''': [''Sarcasticaly''] Oooh, nice one.
:'''Coop''': Yeah, pretty good huh?

===''Thanksgiving Throwdown'' [2.05]===
:'''Jamie''': Those, are the &quot;Fabio Brothers!&quot;
:'''Kiva''': Let me guess, from the &quot;Fabio Brothers&quot; show?
:'''Coop''': No, from the videogame.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coop''': Alright you holiday wrecking chump! You trashed the city, busted up all them baloons and ruined my parade. You want heat? I'll give you heat! [''sets the AC to maximum heat'']

===''S–Force S.O.S.'' [2.06]===
:'''Kiva''': How did they end up getting captured?
:'''Targon''': Zarek caught us by surprise.
:'''Coop''': Surprise? But I thought my training left the S-Force tougher than a microwaved steak.
:'''Targon''': Training? It was your very ''training'' that left them in such a weakened state!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zarek''': ''[After Coop escapes the Infinity Zone]'' Impossible! No one can escape the force of the Infinity Zone!
:'''Coop''': Hey, it's a good thing no one told me that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jamie''': Erm, hi!
:'''Duchess''': Ugh, I forgot about you.
:'''Jamie''': ''[Sadly]'' Forgot?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coop''': Let's see how this guy likes Super Destructor Mode!
:'''Megas’ Dashboard''': You heard him kids! Super Destructor Mode!
:''[Megas is soon littered with hundreds of missle launchers]''
:'''Kiva''': Uhm, were you going to tell me you installed this?
:'''Zarek''': I bring you a gift. A quick and painful end to your miserable lives. ''[laughs]''
:'''Coop''': And here's a gift for you ya pointy-eared chump. ''[Hundreds of missiles are fired towards Zarek]'' In fact, here's a whole bunch of gifts! 'Cause I'm such a nice guy. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Super Destructor Mode's missiles go off target and hit the The S-Force seemingly destroying them]''
:'''Kiva''': Coop!
:'''Targon''': S-Force! 
:'''Jamie''': Duchess?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jamie''': Coop how could you do that to me? I was just getting somewhere with Duchess!
:'''Duchess''': No you weren't! 
:''[The S-Force is revealed to have survived the blast of Super Destructor Mode's missiles]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Targon''': That's Impossible!
:'''Zarek''': Nothing could have survived that blast! 
:'''Argo''': Good thing no one told us that. ''[The S-Force laugh]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coop''': Okay, you cape-wearing space freak! You interrupted my quality beach-time, locked up a planet-load of people ''and'' you made me nearly destroy the S-Force!
:'''Kiva''': -Again!
:'''Coop''': Now it's time to party, tag-team style. Let's do it, S-Force!

===''Space Booty'' [2.07]===
:'''Jamie''': ''[To a food-replicator]'' Vampire cheerleader. ''[Machine buzzes]'' ''Regular'' cheerleader? ''[Machine buzzes again]''.  Hey, this thing's busted! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jamie''': ''[To the same food-replicator]'' ...Solid gold. ''[Machine buzzes again]'' Goth Chicks?! ''[Machine buzzes again]'' ...A doughnut? ''[machine dings then makes one appear]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Megas’ Dashboard''': ''[Oil level]'' None - Good Enough - Plenty - More Than Enough - No, Really I'm Fine - '''PLEASE STOP'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Megas’ Dashboard''': That Cool Giant Energy Sword Thing

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Megas’ Dashboard''': Exactly the same button Coop just used like five minutes ago

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Captain Warlock''': Sweet Kiva, I give you one last chance. Stay with me, and forget about these fools.
:'''Coop''': Alright you-
:'''Kiva''': -Arrogant, overblown thief! You tried to break up our team, you almost killed Coop and Jamie, and you made me listen to your endless, cheesy pick-up lines!
:'''Coop''': Nice.
:'''Captain Warlock''': Cheesy?
:'''Kiva''': Get him, Coop!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
[Coop's driving MEGAS at ramming speed towards the Saving Grace]
:'''Coop''': Kiva! Duck and cover!
:'''Captain Warlock''': He wouldn't!
:'''Kiva''': You don't know Coop.

===''Terminate Her'' [2.08]===
:'''Coop''': '''ROCK ON!''' ''[Performs a body-slam on the glorft below]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coop''': Alright you octopused faced losers. You crash my concert, stop me from getting fake chese nachos AND try wipin' out this poor chick who ain't done nothing to you, just so you can make Kiva not been born and...me not get...my robot...Uh? Wait, explain it to me again? It's er-Ah forget it!

===''Ice Ice Megas'' [2.09]===
:'''Ator''': Why have you done this? 
:'''Coop''': Done what? ''[camera cuts to the broken robot that suddenly explodes]''
:'''Ator''': Destroy our guardian!
:'''Jamie''': Uh, he was like that when we got here.
:'''Kiva''': Jamie, they saw us do it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ator''': Hail to our new guardian! We are saved! ''[Megas destroys a building]''
:'''Coop''': Sorry!
:'''Ator''': We are doomed...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Megas’ Dashboard''': Big Red Button of Irony

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drallag''': Well, it seems this new &quot;guardian&quot; is nothing of the sort. He's done more damage than we have! [''laughs'']

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coop''': Listen up you dorky sounding, ice-grubing, robotic chump! You dinged my chrome, made me break my window AND snapped my favourite key! [''Ator clears his throat''] Oh yeah. You also tried to cut up the planet of the space big foots...You wanna eat some ice? Glad to oblige!

===''A Clockwork Megas'' [2.10]===
:'''Jamie''': [''screams''] Ah? Wait, I'm okay? 
:'''Coop''': Yeah, what's goin' on?
:'''Kiva''': This device must only affect a robot with an artificial intelligence operating construct.
:'''Coop''': Ha ha! Ya hear that!? You can't do nothin' to us, 'cause we don't have intelligence!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Klaar''': Why are you interfering with my facility?
:'''Coop''': I was just looking for directions! See what happens when you ask for directions?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coop''': Okay chump, anything else you wanna throw at me?
:'''Klaar''': Just one thing. [''summons a giant satellite dish'']
:'''Jamie''': [''scoffs''] What's he gonna do? Make us watch some bad TV?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Robot prisoners are coming to attack Megas]''
:'''Jamie''': C'mon, Coop! What're you waiting for?! Tear 'em apart!
:'''Coop''': I can't! They're not the bad guys.
:'''Jamie''': So? That's never stopped you before! Smash 'em before they smash ME! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coop''':  Alright, you brainwashing alien creep! You try to grind us up, you enslaved a bunch of innocent robots, and now you're making me late for spicy nuggets! I got one word for you, pal! Game over!
:'''Kiva and Jamie''': Two words.
:'''Coop''': Whatever!

===''Universal Remote'' [2.11]===
:''[Megas' targeting computer begins zeroing in on multiple areas. Soon Skalgar's mech is targeted in just about every place conceivable]''
:'''Kiva''': Uh, Coop? Overkill?
:'''Jamie''': Yeah! Do more!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coop''': Okay you galactic bad guy wannabe! You smash up my drive in, stole my one-of-a-kind universal remote controller and made me miss &quot;Revenge of the amoeba people.&quot;
:'''Jamie''': And the final episode of &quot;Cheerleader Wars&quot;.

===''Rearview Mirror, Mirror (Part 1)'' [2.12]===
:'''Coop''': ''[Seeing a destroyed Jersey City after activating the Trans-D Drive]'' No. No! [[Planet of the Apes (1968 film)|You maniacs! You blew it up!]] You blew it all to- Wait...hope ''I'' didn't do this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gorrath''': How is it possible that a remedial lifeform like you, could have stopped ME time and again? ''[Flashback to Coop beating aliens in various videogames]''
:'''Coop''': What can I say? Whooping alien freaks is a skill.
:'''Gorrath''': I demand to know who's in charge here!
:'''Alternate Jamie''': THAT would me. And I don't think YOU'RE in a position to demand anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coop''': Hey you got the wrong idea! See I was kicking his butt and then we ended up in this warp thing and-
:'''Alternate Jamie''': -Don't insult my intelligence! Since our war started, we've been trying to capture you.
:'''Coop''': War? Us? ''[Flashback to Coop and Jamie competing in various activities with Coop winning every time]'' Come on man! We were just messing around. I'll let you win next time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gorrath''': Even in victory, you humans are pathetic.
:'''Coop''': ''[Laughs]'' And getting locked up in your own ship ain't pathetic?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gorrath''': We'll need some kind of diversion. 
:'''Coop''': Right, diversion. Urm? ''[accidentally presses a button on the wall setting off an alarm]''
:'''Gorrath''': No! ''[A laser beam shoots skyward and Coop punches the alarm a few times which makes it stop]''
:'''Coop''': Uh...''[Laughs nervously]'' I'm sure no one heard that. ''[The guard point their guns at Coop and Gorrath]'' Yep. Yep they heard it.
:'''Gorrath''': ''[angrily]'' Have I told you how much I hate you?
:'''Alternate Jamie''': I'm impressed. Allowing yourself to get caught, just so you can activate a homing beacon for them to find our base. Very clever.
:'''Gorrath''': Clever?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Megas’ Dashboard''': Park - Neutral - Reverse - Drive - Save Jamie

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coop''': All right, squid. You tried to wreck the city ''again'', you made me go to some alternate dimension where Jamie is an even bigger creep than usual, AND you got me locked up in a jail cell with no food! It's time to rumble!
:'''Gorrath''': Are you talking to me? I'm on your side now, remember?!
:'''Coop''': Oh, sorry. Force of habit, I guess.

===''Rearview Mirror, Mirror (Part 2)'' [2.13]===
:'''Coop''': No one trashes Jersey City! Err... but me.
:'''Evil Coop''': You should be dead! I'm gonna sweep you aside like a fat ball of dust!
:'''Coop''': ''[scoffs]'' You and what army?
:'''Gorrath''': No doubt '''that one'''. ''[points at army of mechs behind Evil Coop]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Kiva''': Your obsolete mech is a disgrace.
:'''Coop''': Does THIS look obsolete?! ''[Megas strikes a dramatic pose, a piece falls of]''
:'''Evil Kiva''': Yes, it does.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coop''':  The only thing I hate more than you...is me? Uh, him... [''Gorrath looks unimpressed''] You know what I mean!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gorrath''': ''[looking at Coop's damaged car]'' Such a waste. First I'm trapped in the past, and now I'm trapped in a dimenson where YOU rule! Shoot me now...
:'''Coop''': This ain't so bad. I can fix this. ''[Coop's car explodes]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Coop''': Why won't you die!?
:'''Coop''': Next time you abandon Megas, don't leave it in MY garage!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Coop''': You know you don't have a chance.
:'''Coop''': I don't know NOTHIN'!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coop''': Listen up, you jive clone wannabe! You wrecked my alternate dimension city! Blew up my robot! And worst of all, made ME skinny! Well you're in MY dimension now! And we do things a little differently here!

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{imdb title|id=0361201|title=Megas XLR}}

[[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]]
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[[Category:Anime-influenced Western animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated action TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated science fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:Parody TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Cartoon Network original series]]
[[Category:Cartoon Network Studios]]</text>
      <sha1>f0rbowqgcamp59ynh02hdkbd6abn1hs</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Ed (TV series)</title>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-26T22:14:55Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* External links */ r/m Template:Tv.com show</comment>
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      <text bytes="59079" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:Ed (TV series)|Ed]]''''' (2000–2004) was a comedy-drama television show about a hotshot New York lawyer who on the same day is both fired from his job (for a misplaced comma that lost the firm millions of dollars) and discovers that his wife is sleeping with a postal worker. Deciding to pack up and go back to his home town of Stuckeyville, Ohio, he is reunited with friends that he has missed, as well as a woman he had a crush on in high school. Determined to win her heart, he decides to stay, buying a rundown bowling alley and setting up a new law firm in the process.

&lt;!-- START TABLE OF CONTENTS --&gt;
{| class=&quot;wikitable&quot;
! align=center bgcolor=#EEEEEE | [[#Season 1|Season 1]]
! align=center bgcolor=#EEEEEE | [[#Season 2|Season 2]]
! align=center bgcolor=#EEEEEE | [[#Season 3|Season 3]]
! align=center bgcolor=#EEEEEE | [[#Season 4|Season 4]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Pilot|Pilot]]
| align=center | [[#The Stars Align|Stars Align]]
| align=center | [[#Human Nature|Human Nature]]
| align=center | [[#New School|New School]]
|-
| align=center | [[#The World Of Possibility|World of Possibility]]
| align=center | [[#Changes|Changes]]
| align=center | [[#Miss Stuckeyville|Miss Stuckeyville]]
| align=center | [[#New Car Smell|New Car Smell]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Just Friends|Just Friends]]
| align=center | [[#A Job Well Done|Job Well Done]]
| align=center | [[#The Road|The Road]]
| align=center | [[#The Dream|The Dream]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Pretty Girls and Waffles|Girls &amp; Waffles]]
| align=center | [[#Crazy Time|Crazy Time]]
| align=center | [[#Charlotte and Wilbur|Charlotte &amp; Wilbur]]
| align=center | [[#History Lessons|History Lessons]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Better Days|Better Days]]
| align=center | [[#Closure|Closure]]
| align=center | [[#The Divorce|Divorce]]
| align=center | [[#Death, Debt, and Dating|Death, Debt &amp; Dating]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Home Is Where the Ducks Are|Where the Ducks Are]]
| align=center | [[#Replacements|Replacements]]
| align=center | [[#May the Best Man Win|Best Man Win]]
| align=center | [[#The Offer|The Offer]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Something Old, Something New|Something Old &amp; New]]
| align=center | [[#The New World|New World]]
| align=center | [[#The Wedding|The Wedding]]
| align=center | [[#Goodbye, Stuckeyville|Goodbye Stuckeyville]]
|-
| align=center | [[#The Whole Truth|Whole Truth]]
| align=center | [[#Goodbye Sadie|Goodbye Sadie]]
| align=center | [[#Trapped|Trapped]]
| align=center | [[#Therapy|Therapy]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Your Life Is Now|Your Life]]
| align=center | [[#Charity Cases|Charity]]
| align=center | [[#Makeovers|Makeovers]]
| align=center | [[#The Proposal|Proposal]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Losing Streak|Losing Streak]]
| align=center | [[#Small Town Guys|Small Town]]
| align=center | [[#Neighbors|Neighbors]]
| align=center | [[#Just a Formality|Formality]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Opposites Distract|Opposites Distract]]
| align=center | [[#Two Days of Freedom|Two Days of Freedom]]
| align=center | [[#Frankie|Frankie]]
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Home for Christmas|Home For Christmas]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Hook, Line, and Sinker|Hook, Line &amp; Sinker]]
| align=center | [[#Ends and Means|Ends &amp; Means]]
| align=center | [[#Partners|Partners]]
|-
| align=center | [[#The Music Box|Music Box]]
| align=center | [[#Youth Bandits|Youth Bandits]]
| align=center | [[#Hyenas &amp; Wildebeests|Hyenas &amp; Wildebeests]]
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#The Process|Process]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Valentine's Day|Valentine's Day]]
| align=center | [[#Things To Do Today|Things To Do Today]]
| align=center | [[#The Case|The Case]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Loyalties|Loyalties]]
| align=center | [[#Nice Guys Finish Last|Nice Guys Finish Last]]
| align=center | [[#Blips|Blips]]
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Back in the Saddle|Back in the Saddle]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Live Deliberately|Live Deliberately]]
| align=center | [[#Wheel of Justice|Wheel of Justice]]
| align=center | [[#Good Advice|Good Advice]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Exceptions|Exceptions]]
| align=center | [[#Lloyd|Lloyd]]
| align=center | [[#Captain Lucidity|Captain Lucidity]]
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Hidden Agendas|Hidden Agendas]]
|-
| align=center | [[#The Test|The Test]]
| align=center | [[#Trust|Trust]]
| align=center | [[#Business As Usual|Business as Usual]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Window of Opportunity|Window of Opportunity]]
| align=center | [[#The Shot|The Shot]]
| align=center | [[#Babysitting|Babysitting]]
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Best Wishes|Best Wishes]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Mind Over Matter|Mind Over Matter]]
| align=center | [[#Power of the Person|Power of the Person]]
| align=center | [[#Second Chances|Second Chances]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Mixed Signals|Mixed Signals]]
| align=center | [[#Memory Lane|Memory Lane]]
| align=center | [[#The Movie|Movie]]
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Happily Ever After|Happily Ever After]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Prom Night|Prom Night]]
| align=center | [[#Last Chance|Last Chance]]
| align=center | [[#The Decision|Decision]]
|-
| colspan=2 align=center bgcolor=#DDDDDD | [[#Cast|Cast]]
| colspan=2 align=center bgcolor=#DDDDDD | [[#External links|External links]]
|} &lt;!-- END TABLE OF CONTENTS --&gt;

== Season 1 ==
=== ''Pilot'' ===
: '''Ed''': ''[to Molly about Carol]'' If you're not born with broad shoulders and a strong jaw, there's only one way to get the girl... you make a complete ass of yourself. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kenny''': If there were two bowling alleys, exactly alike, but one of them had wall-to-wall whores, I'd definitely patronize the one with the whores.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed''': ''[to Mike]'' You know when you go into a department store and they have an irregular rack? Irregular. That's my staff.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Molly''': ''[to Carol about Ed]'' You're lucky that you didn't sleep with him. He would've bought a strip mall. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed''': Sometimes two people can fall so completely in love and yet be so completely wrong for one another. It's fate's nasty side, I guess.

=== ''The World of Possibility'' ===
:'''Stuckeyville Stan''': In the old days, we would have settled things like this with a baseball bat and a sock full of quarters. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phil''': ''[(to Ed, explaining why he goes by &quot;Jean Tremont&quot; to the salt-and-pepper shaker sales reps]'' The French thing gives me a business edge. It keeps 'em confused. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed''': I came up with a theory on women. Women are just fancy men. You know what I mean? Start with a man, add a bunch of interesting bells and whistles, and you've got a woman. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phil''': ''[On the phone with salt/pepper shaker sales rep]'' I've got sales reps from seven companies following me around like I'm a virgin at a rodeo.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed''': ''[defending Stan in court]'' Without the world of possibility, what do we have left? 

=== ''Just Friends'' ===
:'''Warren''': ''[to Ed]'' Yeah, I was just wondering... um... when you invite a client over to your office for the first time, and they see that it's like, in a bowling alley, or whatever, um... well, are they ever like, &quot;Thanks, but I think I'm gonna find a lawyer whose office is not in a bowling alley?&quot; 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed''': ''[about the mailman]'' Neither rain nor sleet nor gloom of night could stop him from having sex with my wife. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': ''[to Molly, about Carol]'' Your friend here is a tough nut to crack, and I am one hungry squirrel. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carol''': ''[on seeing Ed's video]'' The first time I saw it, I was shocked. Second time, I was horrified. I think it was that third time -- that's the one that scarred me for life.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': ''[regarding the $10 bets]'' When the gauntlet is dropped, you must accept the challenge.

=== ''Pretty Girls and Waffles'' ===
:'''Bill Woslouis''': ''[choosing the lead for the school play]'' Go with the pretty broad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phil''': ''[to Ceela, as she and Ed are discussing her case]'' Excuse me for interrupting, but I just have to say: you are soooo hot!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed''': ''[To opposing counsel, after presenting love letter that Dick wrote to Ceela]'' I think you're looking at a 7-10 split.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carol''': ''[talking to her waffles]'' We have got some waffles, tasty tasty waffles. Hello, Mr. Waffle, Goodbye, Mr. Waffle. You are a waffle, yeah!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': ''[to waitress, in response to a $10 bet]'' Burger me!

=== ''Better Days'' ===
:'''Mike''': Bullfights and machismo. If you gave [[Ernest Hemingway|Hemingway]] some bullfights, and a little machismo, he was a happy, happy man. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phil''': Shirley, those who raise the bar of expectation, bar the expectation of raise.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kenny''': ''[to Ed]'' I brought coffee... I didn't know what size you wanted, so I got small, medium and large. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kenny''': I always wanted to go on a stakeout. One of my favorite movies is ''[[w:Stakeout (film|Stakeout]]''. Even better than that was the sequel, ''[[w:Another Stakeout|Another Stakeout]]''. They really took it to the next level. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed''': ''[to Phil]'' Stuckeybowl is a family place - a nice place. It's not a stripper kind of place.

=== ''Home Is Where the Ducks Are'' ===
:'''Ed''': ''[introducing the Festival of Ducks]'' Quack, quack. That's all I got... beer's over there! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phil''': ''[passing out fliers in the park]'' Hey, you like sex? Come to the Festival of Ducks! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phil''': ''[to Kevin, about his score of 6 when challenged to show his bowling prowess]'' I got 60% - if a presidential candidate got 60%, it would be a landslide. I got a mandate, Shazzam!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed''': With all due respect, sir, this is a full-assed bowlathon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Ed''': Jaspertown can kiss my Stuckeyvillian ass!

=== ''Something Old, Something New'' ===
:'''Kenny''': ''[to Carol, about Ed]'' There goes one inspirational bastard. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': ''[about the plans for the first annual Edward J. Stevens Thanksgiving dinner]'' I've got my money on grease fire. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carol''': ''[to Ed]'' I can never decide whether you're totally adorable or totally creepy.

=== ''The Whole Truth'' ===
:'''Warren''': ''[to Carol]'' I'll be in the van. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Jerome''': Take my hand, Dr. Burton. Feel it. What was once a limber, supple instrument of healing now grows withered, leathery and stiff. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': ''[to Carol, about Ed]'' Is this guy bothering you? Say the word and I'll throw down.

=== ''Your Life Is Now'' ===
:'''Troy McCallum''': ''[to Ed and Carol]'' Beer always tastes better in Stuckeyville.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': ''[to Ed]'' What about that time you busted into our class wearing that fruity-ass knight suit?

=== ''Losing Streak'' ===
:'''Carol''': ''[to girls' JV basketball team]'' We are going to take turns bouncing the ball... and whoever bounces the ball the highest wins a Fruit Roll-up. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed''': Oh Carol, I know about your attraction to me... let's just stop torturing ourselves, and let's start doin' it already! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed''': ''[to Phil]'' I can never tell where the admiration leaves off and the condescension begins. 

=== ''Opposites Distract'' ===
:'''Phil''': ''[to Ed, about laugh tracks]'' Can't do comedy without one. People need to be told when to laugh. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': ''[to Ed]'' Who would win in a fight - a big, strong guy or an invisible fat guy?
:'''Ed''':  A big, strong guy.
:'''Mike''':  What if the invisible fat guy has a whip?
:'''Ed''':  Is it an invisible whip?
:'''Nancy''':  This is the worst episode of the McLaughlin group ever.

=== ''Hook, Line, and Sinker'' ===
:'''Ed''': Stuckeyville... the place where broken hearts go to mend. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed''': ''[to Carol, at her birthday party]'' Didn't you wish for a deep, long, soulful kiss from Edward J. Stevens? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kenny''': I alphabetized all of these... I started with A, and ended with Z. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shirley''': I'm going to spend the entire $15 on curly fries...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed''': ''[to Bonnie, after the kiss on her doorstep]'' That was the Shirley Temple talking. 

=== ''The Music Box'' ===
:'''Ed''': ''[to the chief of police, after asking one question too many]'' You have nice eyes. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': ''[when running into Jessica and friends registering for the bowling leagues]'' Well, if I didn't just buy beachfront property in Coincidence City! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bonnie''': I changed my mind. That's what we women do. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': ''[as he comes to the door, interrupting Ed and Bonnie]'' Ed, it's 11:40. We got 20 minutes to save Bobby Hull Hockey from the junkyard...wait, wait a minute. Is your hair mussed up? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': Tonight, young Ed Stevens becomes a man! 

=== ''Valentine's Day'' ===
:'''Bonnie''': ''[on wearing the 'hat of shame', while apologizing to Ed]'' I give you my personal guarantee that this is the single ugliest hat in Stuckeyville. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed''': ''[to Carol]'' I say even if we marry other people, we still get together every week just to do it. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shirley''': ''[Calling off the facial expressions for Chuck to try out on Phil]'' Sexy... cool... brainiac... impish... mellow... cute... supercute... Swedish...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phil''': ''[to Chuck, teaching him to be a ladies' man]'' You're a prancer. You've got a bounce in your step that says 'Hey, look at me, I'm a cute little bunny!'

=== ''Loyalties'' ===
:'''Mike''': ''[as he and Ed hide in the bushes, waiting for Bonnie]'' I'm not so sure about the superhero costume... I mean, the suit of armor, that made sense to me... a knight in shining armor, that's romantic. But this? Not so much. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shirley''': ''[showing Ed the surveillance tape]'' That's Kenny. He stood motionless for five hours... Kenny's so talented. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phil''': ''[to Carol]'' Whoa! You look great. Did you sneak off somewhere and get some work done? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phil''': ''[handing Big Rudy over to Ed]'' Ed, this is the man responsible for sabotage against one Stuckeybowl Bowling Center. You sir have been served up like a trout on a silver platter. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed''': In the criminal justice system, Bonnie Hane's day is divided into two separate yet equally important parts: prosecuting offenders and having lunch. 

=== ''Live Deliberately'' ===
:'''Molly''': ''[to Carol after Willie asks her out]'' I just thought I'd spice it up a bit. I mean, why say &quot;Hello&quot; when you can say &quot;Hellooooooooooooooo&quot;? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': ''[on finding he is in a reading group with Jessica]'' What God have I pleased to deserve such a favor?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': ''[upon seeing that Jessica might think he`s a little weird for loving &quot;Walden&quot;]'' This is just a big wakeup call! I mean, whatever, I only read the first three chapters, so the rest might suck. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': Time is but the stream I go a-fishin' in. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': Ed, Lewis and Clark had a journal. You, my friend, have a diary. 

=== ''Exceptions'' ===
:'''Molly''': Albert Einstein was put on this earth to come up with the theory of relativity. Alexander Graham Bell, the telephone. James Louis Kraft individually wrapped slices of cheese. Molly Hudson's great purpose on this earth? Not yet decided, but I can tell you, for sure, what it is not, and that is to be a go-between for the greatest romance of our time: Edward J. Stevens, Carol Phyllis Vessey. Will they? Won't they? They fight! They're friends! Ooooh, what will happen next? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Jerome''': ''[to Mike]'' You don't get to disagree, you knuckle-dragging cretin! I have been a doctor for half a century. You have been a doctor since lunch! I am a man, you are a child! I know everything, you know nothing! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Jerome''': ''[when confronting Mike in his office]'' What a marvelous piece of craftsmanship! Whoever forged this diploma must really take pride in his work. I mean, it looks just like the real thing! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': ''[reassuring Clark that he can trust Carol with his problem]'' She's cool. I mean, I've hit her with some pretty deep inside the soul type stuff and she's always been rock-n-roll solid with me. And I gotta say, she's opened up to me a few times. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shirley''': Bendy straws make drinking more pleasurable. I'm phasing out the straights. 

=== ''The Test'' ===
:'''Mike''': ''[on how he and Nancy can earn money while they both stay home with Sarah]'' I figure I'll go downtown once a month, maybe work the hotel lobbies, sell my body to aging divorcees.
:'''Nancy''':  Well, honey, you really think we can live on thirty-eight cents a month?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': If you let me inside, I will take you on a journey of pleasure. Bite the forbidden apple, Carmela. You will find it sweet. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shirley''': Ed, one of the goals I have set for myself as your legal assistant is to make sure that when you are drinking coffee, and you finish the coffee, your cup is refilled with more coffee. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carmela''': ''[receiving Mike`s thanks for &quot;saving his life&quot;]' That was nothing, Dr. Burton. I used the Heimlich Maneuver. It's such a wonderful maneuver.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': ''[as Mrs. G suggests he play his clarinet like woman, and not try to force it quite so much]'' Believe me, Mrs. G., you don't have to tell Warren Cheswick how to make a woman sing.

=== ''Window of Opportunity'' ===
:'''Carol''': ''[after Ed says he'll propose if he bowls a strike]'' That's me moving to the edge of my seat. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': ''[when the concessioner tries to talk him and Donna into the movie combo]'' Ok, like, we can't eat that much popcorn and drink that much soda. For the love of God! No one can! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': Any date that involves the Jaws of Life can't be that bad, right? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed''': ''[to Ari and Barbara as they stand at the altar]'' You guys screw this marriage up, I'll have to hunt you down and kill you. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': I'm too much the gentleman to convey the details of my interlude, although I will let on that I experimented with certain maneuvers heretofore attempted only in the Orient.

=== ''Mind Over Matter'' ===
:'''Ed''': Stuckeybowl, Stuckeyville. Don't tell me that's a coincidence! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': ''[talking about Ed, who is trying to get landmark status for Stuckeybowl]'' It's so much fun to wind him up and watch him go. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phil''': ''[to Harry, about Ed]'' Don't even talk to this one in the morning till he's had his second cup of joe. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shirley''': Which do you think you could make more money off of: a talking dog or a flying dog?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': ''[to Ed and Carol, who are sitting on the roof]'' Hey, guys! Hey, you gotta see this! Kenny's about to stop a bowling ball with his head!

=== ''Mixed Signals'' ===
:'''Ed''': ''[after he and Phil tell Warren to ask Jessica to the prom]'' Oh my God, somebody mark down the date and the time. It's never happened before, but I do believe that I finally just agreed with Phil Stubbs. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': ''[trying to convince Jessica to be his prom date]'' What if we just go as friends? Let's just go as friends. I'll buy you a dress! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phil''': A cocktail in one hand, a show girl in the other. The casino staff catering to my every whim. To this day, the name Phil Stubbs is still known in many of the finer gaming establishments. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed''': ''[asking Carol about her reign]'' I was wondering, how much power does the prom queen actually wield? Could you have like, say bombed Belgium? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kenny''': ''[on his trip to Caesar's buffet in Vegas]'' 128 shrimp, $2.99. Suddenly, the house didn't have such an advantage, if you know what I mean!

=== ''Prom Night'' ===
:'''Phil''': ''[to Ed, regarding his move to NYC]'' Hey Bosco, once I get situated in Gotham, would you mind if I give your ex-wife a call? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': ''[when the pimp questions his given age of 25]'' Pendleton men have always been a little boyish. It's both a blessing and a curse. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': ''[to the escort Tonya, when he picks her up]'' Get out of my dreams and into my station wagon. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': Look at me. I've got a thin tie. I'm wearing a thin tie to the prom! Woo hoo! I'm my own man. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed''': ''[to Mike regarding his relationship with Carol after the almost kiss]'' We're circling each other like Venezuelan flamingos engaged in a complex mating dance.

== Season 2 ==
=== ''The Stars Align'' ===

:'''Warren''': Let's spend another Friday night in my basement, eating my mom's zucchini bread and watching Battlebots. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': I knew it! I knew it! I'm going upstate. Oh my god. I'm going upstate to visit some guy with a name like Ice or Big Daddy. He's gonna make me his bitch and he's gonna trade me for a carton of cigarettes or a girlie magazine! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': ''[to Ed]'' It would have been a much better story if you, Bonnie, and Carol all started kissing each other. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phil''': I remember a time when television used to entertain us with the craftsmanship of writing, acting, directing. Now they just try to shock us with the drek of sensationalistic sewage.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carol''': ''[to Ed]'' I'm not afraid of you being my boyfriend. I'm afraid of you being my ex-boyfriend. 

=== ''Changes'' ===
:'''Ed''': ''[comparing himself and Mike with Dennis]'' Cool guys? Cool guys? No thank you, we'd much rather be a couple of dorks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''George McPherson''': ''[on why he wants to change his name]'' Life's too short to be someone you don't want to be.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nancy''': ''[watching as Ed`s &quot;Hat Man&quot; tries to pick up women in the bar]'' This is like watching a really cute puppy trying to have sex with a hooker.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Jerome''': While I pride myself in having a facile sense of humor, steeped in both satire and irony, I choose not to use it here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': ''[after Ed makes fun of his pants]'' Dockers kick ass, Ed.

=== ''A Job Well Done'' ===
:'''Phil''': I manage a bowling alley. It's my job to trade in dreams and illusions. Oh my child, you wouldn't understand...
:'''Ed''': Phil, get your hand off my face.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed''': ''[sitting on a horse ride at a playground]'' Look at me everybody! I'm a cowboy! Yee haw!

=== ''Crazy Time'' ===
:'''Shirley''': If this is the first annual party, how can you be taking it to the next level?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': ''[on his pep rally plans]'' I'm gonna rock this hizzy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Molly''': ''[on accepting Jim`s invitation to join him at the Goat]'' I have the willpower of a lima bean.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Molly''': After all, it's Friday and shouldn't we be thanking God for that?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': ''[during his pep rally take-over]'' If you didn't come to party then take your shabby ass home, cuz Chezz-Cat is in the house!

=== ''Closure'' ===
:'''Ed''': Bear my children.
:'''Carol''': Would you settle for a Velamint?
:'''Ed''': Absolutely

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jim''': ''[as he takes Molly to the home of defunct video games]'' This is where fun comes to die.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Jerome''': ''[on Mike`s assertion that his MD from Johns Hopkins is preparation enough for the practice]'' You aren't prepared to sell fish from the back of a truck, you slobbering moose!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kenny''': ''[trying to break the ice with Liz, Ed's ex]'' By the way, I would have cheated on him too.

=== ''Replacements'' ===
:'''Phil''': ''[when Joe asks what he does]'' Don't try to pigeonhole me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': ''[on Abraham Lincoln`s wrestling career]'' He'd throw down his top hat and start kicking ass!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': Don't tell anyone, but I'm currently developing the 5/8 Nelson.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carol''': ''[on Molly`s assertion that she is in love with Dennis]'' I'm not obsessed with him. I'm intrigued by the enigma.

=== ''The New World'' ===
:'''Mike''': ''[when Nancy warns her cookies are hot]'' I have the pain threshold of a camel.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cookie Mom''': ''[sampling Nancy`s cookie]'' This son of a bitch is a homerun.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shirley''': I could eat stew seven nights a week. I don't, but I could.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': ''[on how to deal with the cookie moms]'' If things get rough, you could make them a cookie they can't refuse.

=== ''Goodbye Sadie'' ===
:'''Diane''': Warren Cheswick. Tell me when exactly you decided wearing turtlenecks was a good idea.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed''': ''[to Carol]'' You and I are just left with night after night of empty, physical pleasure.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': For the first time in my life, I'm giving off pheromones! Thick, billowing clouds of pheromones!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': Seriously, Ed. I owe you big time. You're my dog!

=== ''Charity Cases'' ===
:'''Nancy''': ''[when Mike says they must kick bad habits for Sarah`s sake]'' You were eating a pop tart naked, so I can't watch E! News Daily?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shirley''': I'm still fine tuning the egg to nog ratio.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nancy''': ''[indulging Mike`s new cultural side]'' Welcome home, Michael, would you like a crumpet?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed''': ''[on why he needs so much clothes]'' Pants and back up pants.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed''': Giving should never hurt. You should just give until it feels good.

=== ''Small Town Guys'' ===
:'''Nancy''': You scared the Steak-ums out of me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': ''[while wearing a Dr. Jerome costume]'' I just thought since that buffalo-brained husband of yours wasn't here, you'd like to get it on with one Dr. Walter Jerome.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carol''': ''[to Ed]'' If it's any consolation at all, I think you look damn cute in the bowling shirts.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Judge LaRue''': ''[reprimanding Gary Saringo]'' What law school did you go to TV boy? 

=== ''Two Days of Freedom'' ===
:'''Mike''': ''[regarding Outback Steak Houses]'' What does steak have to do with Australia? It's like the Greenland Spaghetti House.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carol''': ''[to Dennis]'' You know, there IS something that's special about you. You're the last jerk I'm ever going to date.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carol''': Sometimes it's not easy for boys and girls to be friends. And I know because it's not easy for me, either.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dennis''': ''[to Carol]'' I brought that girl to the party because I was trying to make you disposable... I couldn't.

=== ''Ends and Means'' ===
:'''Ed''': Boxes were made of steel back when I was a kid and everything cost a nickel.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': ''[giving Nancy advice on being a substitute teacher]'' Wear sturdy pants tomorrow. You're gonna need 'em.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed''': If you think parading two goons in fifteen hundred dollar suits is enough to intimidate me, then you are being stunningly foolish.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mark''': ''[on what makes him miserable]'' For me, it's the insult of not being able to legally purchase a fine cigar.

=== ''Youth Bandits'' ===
:'''Phil''': I know the gang thinks its adorable to call you ‘Molls' but to keep everyone within earshot from vomiting, I'm gonna stick with 'Molly'.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Barney Stacuzzo''': ''[to Carol, when she tries to convince the band to not play at the funeral]'' I'm sorry, Yoko, but you don't get a vote in this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mark''': Down is up, left is right, and Logic is on a ski vacation with his buddy Reason.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mark''': ''[in a tattoo parlor]'' I feel like I'm gonna get hepatitis just standing here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': ''[to Jessica, as she is dumping him]'' Jess, come on. Throw a dog a bone.

=== ''Things To Do Today'' ===
:'''Shirley''': Good luck finding the beautiful psychotic lady. Toodle-oo.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Molly''': I never thought that knowing how to play the recorder could be such a liability.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jennifer Bradley''': Life is about opening doors...to new places, new people, new opportunities.
:'''Ed''': What kinds of opportunities have you gotten by acting like a raving lunatic?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': Your fickle friends Who, What Where, Why and When can fly you to the moon one day and leave you high and dry and begging for mercy the next.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': ''[on Dennis]'' He's a very unpredictable man, with the temperament of a jungle cat, I might add.

=== ''Nice Guys Finish Last'' ===
:'''Phil''': Where there's chaos, there's opportunity, baby!
:'''Ed''': I'm in hell.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phil''': ''[showing the truckers his edible air fresheners]'' Now that's a 10-4 if I ever tasted one, good buddy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phil''': Truckers don't live on gas, grass, and ass alone.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Molly''': ''[to Jim]'' Get out of this school now or my hand to god, I will kick your ass in front of the A/V squad.

=== ''Wheel of Justice'' ===

=== ''Lloyd'' ===
:'''Lloyd Stevens''': A guy doesn't want to be a 10. A guy wants to be a solid 7. Anything above that starts to ask more questions than it answers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': ''[on Nancy's internet chatting addiction]'' Pass me the yellow pages, would you, hon? I want to start looking for one of those cult deprogrammers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': ''[on dating Diane]'' It would never work. Diane is a cynic. Warren Cheswick is a dreamer.
:'''Mark''': Warren Cheswick is a jack ass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lloyd Stevens''': ''[to Ed]'' Will you relax? You've got the constitution of a titmouse.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': ''[on why he didn't attend a party]'' I decided to go down to the Home Depot and buy a whole crapload of lumber. I like to build big things.

=== ''Trust'' ===
:'''Mike''': ''[to Ed]'' My God, it is so embarrassing when you try to act like an actual guy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phil''': ''[to Ed]'' When did you stop being 'my man' and start being 'The Man'?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Molly''': ''[to Carol]'' When it comes to human interest stories, you can never go wrong with abnormally large produce.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phil''': ''[to AFL-CIO reps]'' Don't let me rot to death in this sweatshop!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nancy''': ''[on Mike]'' We all do stupid little things we're not proud of.

=== ''The Shot'' ===

=== ''Power of the Person'' ===
:'''Warren''': ''[to Rabbi]'' Playing hard to get, nice...very svelte...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': I'm not really here to confess. Just taking the booth for a test drive.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mark''': ''[to Warren]'' Tell them you won't sign with anyone till they get you in a room with God himself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed''': ''[to Carol]'' Let me cut to the chase: your boyfriend's an ass. Fry?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Reverend Isaac''': ''[to Warren]'' Last time I mentioned this girl, your face popped out like a blowfish.
:'''Warren''': You have no way of knowing this, but I am usually very, very cool.

=== ''Memory Lane'' ===
:'''Mike''': ''[to Ed]'' You hear that whistle? It's the Carol train leaving the station.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': ''[on seasoned curly fries]'' They're too complicated. It's like my tongue is taking an exam.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': Ed, I'm going to get us a couple of extremely cold beers and you and I are going out on the back porch for a good old fashioned father-son talk.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': ''[to Diane]'' Tonight your every foot fall should be cushioned by rose petals. And if I run out of rose petals, I have Styrofoam peanuts.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carol''': No matter what changes, the past is always part of me.
:'''Ed''': The past is all well and good. I feel I need to start working on my future.

=== ''Last Chance'' ===
:'''Molly''': See you all tomorrow for our last class of the year, or as I like to call it, 'a complete and utter waste of time'.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': I'm very fond of enormous pants, music that combines elements of heavy metal and rap, and most of all, skateboarding.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phil''': ''[to Gus the tailor]'' If you don't mind, I like my tailors to be called 'Antonio'.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Molly''': ''[to Mike and Nancy]'' When I listen to the two of you sing that song, I feel like I'm--what's the best way to put this?--wanting to kill myself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carol''': ''[on the ferris wheel]'' Who can say no to a large, mechanical wheel?

== Season 3 ==
=== ''Human Nature'' ===
:'''Ed''': ''[to Mike, describing his moment with Carol]'' That was a movie kiss, a movie kiss my friend! I was [[w:Humphrey Bogart|Humphrey Bogart]] and [[w:Cary Grant|Cary Grant]] rolled up into one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': ''[watching Kenny bowl towards 300]'' A chance to witness perfection. Last time I did that, I was doing shirtless sit ups in the mirror.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kenny''': ''[using his senile great-grandfather`s parting words]'' I'll see ya when I see ya unless I see ya when I see ya.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phil''': ''[as Ed departs with an irate Carol]'' My man Bosco's about to get a good ole fashioned ass chewin'.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dennis''': ''[at the midnight duel for Carol]'' On the count of three, you and I are gonna start pounding the crap out of each other with these cricket bats.

=== ''Miss Stuckeyville'' ===
:'''Warren''': ''[about Carol]'' She's so bootylicious as a middle aged woman, I tremble to think how she must've been when she was young.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed''': ''[about Carol]'' I kissed her, right? Plant the ole seeds of doubt? She fought it all summer and now she can't fight no mo'.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mark''': I like being a loser because we can brood and feel things deeply and make fun of the winners.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': ''[to Ed]'' Right up until you nailed that hot DA a couple years ago, I thought you were as gay as a French horn.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carol''': ''[to Ed, on his denial of her engagement]'' I am desperate for you to accept that...because if you don't, it's the end of us.

=== ''The Road'' ===
:'''Mike''': I'm thrilled you seem to have gotten over Carol. I'm concerned that you seem to have fallen in love with a man.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phil''': ''[about Eli]'' Look at him squirm now that the chair's on the other foot...or should I say ass?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phil''': ''[on Eli's forfeit]'' I've enjoyed a lot of victories in my life but for some reason, this one is particularly sweet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frank''': ''[to Ed]'' I didn't find happiness on the road...I was happy before I left.

=== ''Charlotte and Wilbur'' ===
:'''Warren''': That's why God put me here, assuming there is a God and he puts people places.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': Can't talk. Eating fried pie. Experiencing nirvana.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eli''': The future's going to throw things at you, like it or not. I say 'Bring it on'.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Molly''': ''[to Warren]'' Are you here to join us or are you going to strip naked and show us your number two pencil?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rich Vessey''': ''[discovering his colon polyp is benign]'' Well hello red meat and cigars!

=== ''The Divorce'' ===
:'''Molly''': ''[to Carol, about Ed]'' If you care enough about the person, you may never get over it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Molly''': ''[to Ed]'' Is your brain made out of linoleum all of a sudden?

=== ''May the Best Man Win'' ===
:'''Carol''': Oysters are pretty blank in the brain department, especially when they're fried.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Molly''': ''[narrating a slide show]'' Here's Carol and Dennis becoming a 'we'.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phil''': ''[to Ed, thinking Jen is a stripper]'' Jennifer. Huh. How do these dancers come up with these names?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': ''[to Ed, on why he and Dennis will never be friends]'' You hate that Carol's marrying him and he hates that Carol should be marrying you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phil''': ''[about Ed's work ethic]'' I thought, hmmmm, he must be Amish.

=== ''The Wedding'' ===
:'''Mark''': ''[to Warren]'' You have created a level of lameness that can only be recreated under pure laboratory conditions.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': ''[eating ice cream with Stella at the cemetery]'' Here we are enjoying all this creamy deliciousness and there they are, dead.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': I fear losing my virginity would compromise my intense spirituality.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': ''[about Stella]'' She's about as white as a trout's belly.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': ''[examining prophylactics with Mark]'' Imagine something this ornate coming at you.

=== ''Trapped'' ===
:'''Carol''': ''[on Ed's gift of a tuning fork]'' It's time for me to get 'back in tune'. Isn't that so clever it just makes you sick!? When it comes to hackneyed freshman comp symbolism, no one does it like Edward Stevens!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shirley''': ''[planning how to get Ed and Carol together]'' We could slip them a mickey. I don't know what exactly a mickey is, but I do know you slip them to people.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed''': I'm going to proceed to pummel Mike with my bare fists till the soul rises from his body, then I'm going to grab his soul by the neck and start giving it open handed slaps-

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eli''': ''[to Ed]'' You ain't gonna fire no brother in a wheelchair!
:'''Phil''': Or a very, very light skinned brother who's allergic to cat dander.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed''': Carol, in my opinion, you and I have only one problem and that problem is you're in love with me but you're too afraid to admit it to yourself.
:'''Carol''': My honest opinion is you're in love with some ideal version of me that I can't possibly live up to.

=== ''Makeovers'' ===
:'''Mark''': ''[during his medical checkup with Mike]'' Far be it for me to criticize your bedside manner, but I do believe that was a sigh of despair you just heaved.
:'''Mike''': Mark, if you don't do something, and do it now, you're going to die.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shirley''': ''[complimenting Mark on his Santa]'' You inhabit the role with a breezy confidence.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': ''[to Mark, about his health]'' What am I supposed to do, shut up and watch you kill yourself?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lloyd Stevens''': ''[to Ed]'' You like that I'm the screw up brother...You really don't like me, Ed, and that's ok, because I'm not that crazy about you either.

=== ''Neighbors'' ===
:'''Nancy''': ''[On Mike's preparations for the Recliner Rally]'' I love a man with ripped ankles.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carol''': ''[Still trying to convince Molly to apply to be principal]'' You have an opportunity to shine and you're terrified.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sam''': ''[To Phil, rejecting his proposed ad campaign]'' You're just not likeable.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Molly''': ''[Sharing her philosophy of helping students]'' Kicking ass, doing nothing, and throwing frogs.

=== ''Frankie'' ===
:'''Shirley''': ''[About drilling holes into bowling balls]'' Two are serviceable. One is an insult to the art form.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mark''': ''[To Mike]'' The hungrier I am, the more I need to make up for it with bitter sarcasm.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': ''[When asked what his favorite thing is]'' Girls, ladies, women, any of those...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Molly''': ''[Bonding with SHS students]'' Hack on, you wacky hackey sackers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frankie''': ''[To her boyfriend]'' And this is the famous Ed Stevens.
:'''Ed''': If I were really famous, you wouldn't have to say my name.

=== ''Partners'' ===
:'''Frankie''': ''[On why she didn't come in early for work]'' If you show up at 4:30 for a six o'clock dinner party, for the rest of your life, you're the weird guy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phil''': ''[Pleased to learn Frankie is signing on]'' Ever since Kenny left, there's a real lack of sexual tension here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Molly''': ''[After Carol is hit on by a guy]'' Looks like Miss Vessey's gonna get some afternoon delight.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr, Jerome''': ''[To Mike]'' I'll do what I want, when I want, you thick witted pelican, and if you don't like it, you can either kiss my ass or write your congressman.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Jerome''': ''[To Mike, offering him his old job]'' What do you say, [[w:Chim-Chim|Chim-Chim]], you wanna come home again?

=== ''Hyenas &amp; Wildebeests'' ===
:'''Mike''': ''[Preparing to bowl his third straight strike]'' It's just a giant yo yo, release it and pull the string.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Molly''': ''[To a parent of a bullied student]'' Mr. Nowell, your son is a geek. He's smart and he's witty and he's sensitive. All rare and wonderful qualities to have, but when you're 15 they get you duct taped to a locker.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nancy''': ''[When asked what words Carol used to describe Rich]'' Adjectives mostly. She better have used adjectives, she's an English teacher right? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eli''': ''[To Ed, about his reaction to Extreme Bowling]'' You kill me with that surprised look on your face after you leave Phil here all day by himself. I got 3 things to say: insurance, insurance, insurance.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Molly''': ''[To Carol]'' We can either be the person that everyone wants us to be or we can be the person ''we'' want to be.

=== ''The Case'' ===
:'''Ed''': ''[To the prosecutor]]' The judge ordered you to get me those files by yesterday morning and it's now today morning!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frankie''': ''[To a witness]'' No chance Danny was wearing, say, a red leotard?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Molly''': ''[On her advantage over Ryan]'' He gives me the cold shoulder, I give him detention.

=== ''Blips'' ===
:'''Warren''': ''[To Stella, who seems not to remember him]'' Warren...Cheswick...we almost did it that time... You offered to shine your love upon me...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': ''[Wishing he could win Stella's heart]'' God I wish I was a wunderkind! If I could get the arts and leisure section of the ''New York Times'' to label me a wunderkind.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': ''[To Stella]'' I'm a red blooded 18 year old American male. You can't just offer an American male a chance to fornicate and then just turn him down.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': ''[To Peter]'' Just out of curiosity, is it that you can't paint a painting that looks like anything or is it that you just don't want to?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shirley''': ''[About Eli's refusal to eat duck eggs because they come out of a duck's ass]'' Eggs don't come from the ass, per se.

=== ''Good Advice'' ===
:'''Shirley''': Ed, I think you ought to know that Frankie is in your office, bawling her eyes out in a most unprofessional manner. Shall I fire her for you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed''': ''[to Frankie]'' The relationships that you struggle with never work out in the long run. The ones that work, just plain work.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': ''[to Mark, about his night with Stella]'' Last night, I, Warren P. Cheswick, became a man!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': ''[to Stella]'' Where do you want to live? When I graduate high school?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mark''': ''[to Warren about Stella]'' You're acting like a puppy who just tasted his first Snausage.

=== ''Captain Lucidity'' ===
:'''Shirley''': ''[describing her missing Mexican Jumping bean]'' It looks like a regular bean but every now and then it bounces in a particularly disappointing way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phil''': ''[as president, in Ed's dream]'' Mr. Vice President, there is nothing more important than the day a boy becomes a man in the eyes of God.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': ''[reliving high school, in Ed's dream]'' Can I put my collar down now?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed''': ''[on his version of ebonics, in his dream]'' I'm just a white guy from Ohio, I'm doing the best I can here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phil''': ''[as president, in Ed's dream]'' Say the word and I will Air Force One our asses to Cancun.

=== ''Business As Usual'' ===
:'''Nancy''': ''[about Mike and Dr. Jerome]'' They're like two nine-year-olds fighting over a Zagnut bar.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Jerome''': With all due respect, Mrs. Burton, your husband is a slack jawed llama.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nancy''': ''[explaining the consequences if Mike and Walter don`t get along]'' Dr. Jerome I will break into your house in the middle of the night and beat you with my bare fists.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carol''': ''[describing Frankie]'' Hello I'm a sweet little pixie one minute, and I'm a hot little pixie the next.

=== ''Babysitting'' ===
:'''Nancy''': ''[to Mike, pondering Ed's qualifications for babysitting]'' Well, he's no weirder than you are and you're her father.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nancy''': ''[to Ed about her daughter]'' If anything happens to her, I'll make it my life's work to destroy everything you hold dear.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': ''[feeling Linda`s hands, kept smooth with her own moisturizer]'' Yup, pretty moist there Linda.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shirley''': ''[to Phil, about Eli's arrival]'' Before he came, you were a cold narcissistic cipher. Now you seem almost human.

=== ''Second Chances'' ===
:'''Ed''': ''[to Mike, as hecontemplates buying a &quot;how to&quot; guide]'' I'm sure you're simply a fantastic lover.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': ''[after wowing Nancy in bed]'' Men don't understand love making is a delicate blend between soul and flesh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': ''[to Nancy, who complained that he is not willing to make extra effort in the bedroom]'' You have been getting steak all week and are complaing about a turkey club now?

=== ''The Movie'' ===
:'''Molly''': ''[to Carol, refusing to let her give up on Ed]'' If you give up, I will kill you with my bare hands, which we both know I can do 'cause I?m quite a bit stronger.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': ''[to Stella, as she breaks up with him]'' Panic is the enemy, Stella, panic is the enemy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed''': ''[on Carol's intentions]'' She just wants to bat me around like a kitty cat with a half dead mouse.

=== ''The Decision'' ===
:'''Carol''': ''[to Ed]'' Can you tell me you are 100% certain that you do not want to be with me? Because if you can, just say the word and I will walk right out that door.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': ''[about his office]'' This is where all the magic happens, if you call throat cultures magic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Jerome''': Excuse me, Dr. Burton, I hate to interrupt, but I need you in the exam room. Could you please take your thumb out of your ass and join me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': ''[after Nancy said that Mike's co-ed friend was a babe and a half]'' She was nothing compared to my wife, who's a babe and three quarters.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed''': ''[to Carol]'' Everywhere I went, I saw us... I love you. I love every part of you.
:'''Carol''': Can I please kiss you now?

== Season 4 ==
=== ''New School'' ===
:'''Carol''': ''[on why she isn't inviting Ed in]'' Tonight was absolutely perfect and I want to remember it just exactly as it is.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': ''[finding out that Willie Butch costs $1000]'' Lineage!? I'm buying a dog, not the Prince of Wales!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': ''[on learning Willie Butch`s pedigree is not all it was cracked up to be]'' I paid for the caviar of dogs and got the Starkist.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': Do you think Willie Butch knows I'm human or does he just think I'm a really talented dog?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shirley''': They're pies with the selling power of hot cakes. It's the best of both worlds.

=== ''New Car Smell'' ===
:'''Mike''': ''[about talking to Ed about Carol]'' I thought he was being an idiot, but of course, I couldn't come right out and say that..actually, I could come right out and say that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed''': ''[to Carol, as she is moving in]'' Welcome to my humble abode... or as the plains Indians would say, my humble adobe.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': ''[about his history with Carol]'' We just...POW...you know, it was just this intense attraction that wouldn't, nay couldn't, be denied.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carol''': ''[to Ed]'' I recognize the full irony in what I'm about to say, but do you think there's any way I can interest you in screwing the top back on the toothpaste?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': ''[when Nancy gets upset that he brings home low fat instead of skim]'' Look at the 98 percent of the milk I got right.

=== ''The Dream'' ===
:'''Phil''': ''[trying to convince Ed to hire him as a jockey]'' I'm actually deceptively light. I have the bone structure of a bird.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed''': If dreams are safe, then they're not really dreams, are they? They're plans.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed''': ''[to Carol]'' I might not always agree with you, but I will always be ''with'' you and I'm sorry it took me so long to figure that out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': ''[on his poor SAT score]'' One stupid test and I'm road kill on the highway of natural selection.

=== ''History Lessons'' ===
:'''Mike''': ''[as Nancy chimes in on their conversation]'' That's what I love about her, Ed. She has no idea what I'm talking about and still she has an answer.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed''': '[about Carol's ex]'' Every time I picture this guy in my head, he's taking on a new superpower.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': ''[about Ed reading Carol's letters]'' Ed, you can't even see the line from where you're standing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed''': ''[to Carol]'' We're a couple, but we can have a past.

=== ''Death, Debt, &amp; Dating'' ===
:'''Warren''': My loins must be teeming with life!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': ''[ripping tape off Warren`s bare chest]'' Suck it up. If you're man enough to get a woman pregnant, you're man enough to handle a little pain.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phil''': ''[planning Mr. Fish's funeral]'' The man died on our watch. We can hardly afford talk of a cover up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phil''': ''[about Mr. Fish]'' He was here...and when he was here, he made damned sure you noticed him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': ''[sneaking into Molly's office]'' I'm like a stealth bomber, invisible despite my size.

=== ''The Offer'' ===
:'''Mark''': Please note that the statements made by Warren Cheswick do not reflect the views of Mark Vanacore.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': ''[when Nancy asks he and Mark to do her a favor]'' You scratch our backs, we scratch yours. I don't have an itch just yet, but I'll let you know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Jerome''': ''[demanding that Mike harass his granddaughter, a medical student]'' I want her tested. I want her ground into a fine powder and then we're going to add water to that powder and see if we have a medical student.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Jerome''': ''[describing a fresh-out-of-med-school Mike]'' You need to see what I saw when you lurched through my door for the first time: a big useless slab of rock.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mark''': Next time I see a cool kid in the hall, I'll want to think 'moron' but now I'll think 'outstanding taste in web humor.'

=== ''Goodbye, Stuckeyville'' ===
:'''Ed''': ''[explaining to Eli why he`s following Carol to New York]'' I'm not desperate, Eli; I guess you could say I'm in love.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': ''[on Carol`s announcement that she`s been offered a writing job at Bridge &amp; Tunnel]'' Way to work it, Miss Vessey!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eli''': ''[scaring off a prospective Stuckeybowl buyer]'' I'd have asked you to bowl a few, but I'm not sure if any other lanes are working -- unless you wanna bowl on the one a guy just died on.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Molly''': ''[toasting Carol at her going away party]'' Carol - kick some New York ass!

=== ''Therapy'' ===
:'''Ed''': ''[as Ed`s story about Carol`s move to NYC kicks into gear]'' I'm gonna need s'more root beer.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Molly''': ''[explaining the circumstances that led to her intimate encounter with Phil]'' My tale of woe begins one evening at Stuckeybowl.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed''': ''[after Carol explains that it`s out-of-fashion in NYC]'' Trucker cap, I hardly knew ye.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phil''': ''[enticing Molly to participate in sliding down the hall of Stuckeyville H.S. in a puddle of soap suds]'' You wanna ride the serpent?

=== ''The Proposal'' ===
:'''Mike''': ''[bursting Ed`s bubble after learning of his grandiose proposal plans]'' Ed, you can't propose like that -- it's cheesy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Russ Burton''': ''[about a turkey fryer]'' This fine piece of modern technology is going to allow us to prepare a Thanksgiving turkey the way the good Lord above intended.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': ''[to Ed]'' Say, 'Carol, will you marry me?' How's that for a plan?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shirley''': ''[calculating how many turkeys are needed to feed 30 people]'' You need 12,000 turkeys.

=== ''Just a Formality'' ===
:'''Ed''': ''[about talking to Carol's father]'' If you're gonna ask a man for his daughter's hand in marriage, the least you can do is put on a suit and tie and buy him a steak.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rich Vessey''': ''[responding to Ed's request for his blessing]'' I'll think about it, and I'll let you know.

=== ''Home For Christmas'' ===
:'''Mike''': ''[about Ed closing Stuckeybowl]'' At the end of an era, all the great ones from ''[[w:Laverne and Shirley|Laverne and Shirley]]'' to [[Mary Tyler Moore]], they all do the slow turn, nod and hit the lights.

=== ''The Process'' ===

=== ''Back in the Saddle'' ===
:'''Shirley''': ''[on why Ed's ex-wife is in town]'' I surmised that she needs a kidney.
:'''Phil''': She wants to break up your impending nuptials with one Miss Carol Vessey. It's cat fight time, meow.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eli''': ''[to Jennifer]'' You wanna know how a dude in a wheelchair gonna make you scream and holler like a damn werewolf.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Toby''': This Ed comes off like some sort of race car driver.

=== ''Hidden Agendas'' ===
:'''Phil''': ''[to Eli, on Dalton Locke hanging up on him]'' You didn't even drop the F-Bomb!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed''': ''[as he and Carol decide where to honeymoon]'' Gracias or Mahalo?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Molly''': ''[about Ed's ex-wife]'' Yes! You. Talk to Liz. Unless you want to kick her ass. In which case I will be there to see it.
:'''Carol''': Nah. She is weak. I am mighty. Wouldn't be fair.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': ''[being metaphorical trying to get Gunter to be comfortable about his supposed sexual preference]'' Two lilies together. Who am I to judge? Who is anybody?

=== ''Pressure Points'' ===

=== ''Best Wishes'' ===
:'''Dr. Jerome''': ''[to Mike about his working while having the flu]'' I am not a veterinarian, Son. I do not have the wherewithal to treat all of these people when they come back in here with whatever strain of baboon flu you might have given them.?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carol''': ''[to warren, after she catches him in the shower with Stella]'' If you tell anyone that you saw me naked, I swear to God I will kill you.?
:'''Warren''': I feel like I should be able to call you Carol now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carol''': ''[on Stella`s assertion that Warren is an adult]'' Oh, please! Stella, look at him. He's raising his hand.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mark''': ''[on the consequences of Warren`s tryst in Ed and Carol`s guest room]'' The wax melted and the wings came off? You flew too close to the sun, Icarus. Now you?re paying for it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warren''': ''[about seeing Carol naked]'' Ed, you have to know it was completely unintentional. There was never any intention to lay a hand on your intended. I swear to God those weren't my intentions.

=== ''Happily Ever After'' ===
:'''Ed''': ''[regarding his and Carol`s desire to have a special, unique wedding]'' We want to be like the wedding equivalent of ''[[Cheers (TV series)|Cheers]]'' and right now it's more like ''[[Coupling (TV series)|Coupling]]''.
:'''Mike''': What's wrong with ''Coupling''? I like that show. It's provocative.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carol''': Can I bounce some of my wedding ideas off you?
:'''Molly''': Bounce away, Sister!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shirley''': ''[explaining to Phil why the term `fo shizzle` is no longer hip]'' Ever since Fran Dresher used it in an Old Navy commercial, African-American 'izzle'-speech has been on a rapid decline.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed''': ''[his wedding toast]'' I've always believed that life is divided into two parts: what is and what should be. And that, with a lot of effort, some hard work, and maybe a little luck, there are moments in your life when the two parts touch. When what is and what should be are the same. I guess I can't help but think that standing here next to Carol, next to my wife, and in front of all of you friends and family, all of us here inside this crazy, beautiful, dumpy old bowling alley which I love, I can't help but think that this is one of those times. And I thank you.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Tom Cavanagh|Tom Cavanagh]] - Ed Stevens 
* [[w:Julie Bowen|Julie Bowen]] - Carol Vessey 
* [[w:Justin Long|Justin Long]] - Warren Cheswick
* [[w:Josh Randall|Josh Randall]] - Dr. Mike Burton 
* [[w:Jana Marie Hupp|Jana Marie Hupp]] - Nancy Burton 
* [[w:Lesley Boone|Lesley Boone]] - Molly Hudson 
* [[w:Michael Ian Black|Michael Ian Black]] - Phil Stubbs 
* [[w:Rachel Cronin|Rachel Cronin]] - Shirley Pifko 
* [[w:Mike Starr|Mike Starr]] - Kenny Sandusky (2000-2002)  
* [[w:Michael Genadry|Michael Genadry]] - Mark Vanacore (2001-2004) 
* [[w:Ginnifer Goodwin|Ginnifer Goodwin]] - Diane Snyder (2001-2004) 
* [[w:Daryl Mitchell|Daryl Mitchell]] - Eli Goggins (2002-2004)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} 
* {{imdb title|id=0247091|title=Ed}}

[[Category:Cancelled shows|Ed]]
[[Category:2000s American comedy-drama TV shows]]
[[Category:NBC shows|Ed]]</text>
      <sha1>m7ycb2csnmcs1t8l02q1677rebnjoys</sha1>
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  <page>
    <title>8 Simple Rules</title>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-26T22:15:07Z</timestamp>
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        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
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      <text bytes="42872" xml:space="preserve">{{DISPLAYTITLE:''8 Simple Rules''}}
'''''[[w:8 Simple Rules|8 Simple Rules]]''''' (originally '''''8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter''''') is an American [[w:sitcom|sitcom]] which aired from [[September 17]], [[2002]] to [[April 15]], [[2005]]. The show starred John Ritter, Katey Sagal, Kaley Cuoco, Amy Davidson, Martin Spanjers, [[James Garner]], and [[David Spade]]. The show is now in syndication on ABC Family. This hit comedy series is based on a very odd family who fight a lot but at the end of the episode they are all drawn together. On May 17, 2005, ABC cancelled the series after 3 seasons.

== '''Season 1''' ==
=== '''''Pilot''''' ===
:'''Paul''': So Rory, what do you like most about James Bond?
:'''Rory''': Hmm...I like that he has a license to kill.
:'''Paul''': (hears car horn) Me too.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Kyle''': ''(answering cell phone)'' Wassup my brotha from anotha motha?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Bridget walks downstairs dressed in tight pants and a short shirt]''
:'''Paul''': Uh, Bridget, why are you dressed like that? 
:'''Kerry''': Must be casual sex day at school. 
:'''Bridget''': Hey, at least I get... 
:''[Paul turns to Bridget]''
:'''Bridget''': ...look good.
:'''Paul''': Okay, Cupcake, I think you missed the word &quot;under&quot; in underwear because I can see your bra and that slingshot you're wearing under your pants. 
:'''Bridget''': It's a thong. 
:'''Paul''': It's floss. 
:'''Bridget''': I can't wear anything else. Panty lines - Hello? 
:'''Paul''': Panty lines - Hello, are fine. Actually they were a pretty big deal in my day. 
:'''Bridget''': Well, we're the thong generation. 
:'''Paul''': Well, maybe that's why your generation is so angry. You're walking around with a wedgie.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

=== '''''Wall of Shame''''' ===
:'''Bridget and Kerry''': (both yelling at each other) I'm gonna kill you!!
:'''Paul''': Girls don't kill each other. (the girls still yell at each other; Paul waits a moment) At least I said it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bridget''': No, Dad, it was coral. I can't wear a coral. I mean look at me. Hello, I'm a summer.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paul''': Does everyone have a cell phone? How much am I paying for these?
:'''Bridget''': Dad, you get the phones for free.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cate''': I just got here. I forgot to pick up my allergy medicine. Do you think you can drop by the pharmacy?
:'''Paul''': Oh man. You know I hate picking up that stuff.
:'''Cate''': No, no, no. It's really allergy medicine this time.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cate''': Keep Bridget off the phone and out of the mall.
:'''Paul''': I'm a man, not a miracle worker. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paul''': I do care, Kerry and I'll care even more when the game is over! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kerry''' (to Bridget): Could ya take the fashion show outside? Those of us who can are trying to read. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== '''''Wings''''' ===
:'''Paul''': Mom also said I was ready for fatherhood.

:'''Paul''': Off you go.


=== '''''Son-in-Law''''' ===
:'''Kerry''' ''(when Bridget tells them her new beau Travis is a Basketball player)'': He's a baller. 
:'''Travis''': Holla.
:'''Kerry''': Holla back, brotha.
:'''Travis''': Uh-huh.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Kerry'''(makes fun of Bridget shaking her head from side to side) Like, oh my God! I'm Bridget. I can't believe how much my head shakes when I talk.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Paul''': Come on Cate, dance with me.
:'''Cate''': Oh, no, I'm not going to embarrass my daughter.
:'''Paul''': Fine, I'll dance by myself. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Paul''': What's it called when you're damned it you do, damned if you don't? Fatherhood. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Paul''': Bridget, wipe your feet and take off the boy.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Rory''': Can I sit in the cart?
:'''Cate''': No!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Kerry''': He thinks of me as some sort of virgin spinster, like Miss Havisham.(Bridget has a confused look on her face) Great Expectations…? (Bridget’s still confused) Charles Dickens…? (Bridget’s still confused) A book…? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Bridget''': She’s in bed with him, and you do nothing?
:'''Kerry''': We’re on a bed, not in a bed. Learn a preposition.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

=== '''''Cheerleader''''' ===
:'''Paul''': Is my little girl a cheerleader?
[''Cate is motioning to him to shut up'']
:'''Kerry''': Yes, she is!

:'''Paul''': I'm a little stunned. Why would Kerry even want to be cheerleader?
:'''Cate''': Same reason you wanted to be a cheerleader.
:'''Paul''': Yell captain.

:'''Kerry''': I can't believe you're encouraging your daughter to join the airhead squad. Aim high!
:'''Paul''': They're not all airheads, Kerry.
:'''Kerry''': No, some of them are potheads.

=== '''''Trick or Treehouse''''' ===
:'''Cate''': Paul, give it a rest. You can't make the kids play with you.
:'''Paul''': Play with me? They live in my house and don't even like me. They're not kids. They're cats.

:'''Bridget''': Dad, do we really have to spend the night in that stupid treehouse again? We do it every single year.
:'''Cate''': Every single year.
:'''Paul''': Come on. It's our last Halloween tradition. Don't grumble, Bridget. You and Kerry won't trick or treat with me anymore, so now it's just Man With Ax In Head and Little Man With Ax In Head.

=== '''''By the Book''''' ===
:(''As Paul is reading a parenting book'')
:'''Cate''': So what's the sudden interest after all my years of begging?
:'''Paul''': Well Cate, I just figured it's time. Our daughters are maturing and you know it would be foolish of me not to use expert resources available right at my fingertips.
:'''Cate''': They've beaten you down, haven't they?
:'''Paul''': They're killing me by inches.

:'''Paul''' (to Bridget and Kerry): You're both grounded, go to your room.
:'''Bridget''': What! You've officially destroyed my life and you're like a life destroyer! I hate you!
:'''Kerry''': I hate you too. You're the meanest father ever. You're meaner then Angela's father.
:'''Paul''': Angela's father did time!
:'''Kerry''': Exactly!

:'''Paul''': (about the girls) Well, it's official. They hate me again.
:'''Cate''': Aw, congratulations. (holds up two tickets) Maybe these'll make you feel better.
:'''Paul''': Red Wings, center ice? Where did you get these?
:'''Cate''': (imitating Anthony) Shoot. I was kickin' wit my partner Anthony W., and he gave me the 411 on how he got B to the K all grounded and whatnot. He was all, &quot;Damn, Mrs. Henn, that's cold! I gots to make dat right!&quot; So he hooked me these fazoon duckets. Know what I mean?

=== '''''Two Boys for Every Girl''''' ===
:'''Paul''': What's new with my little family?
:'''Rory''': Well, no one loves your daughters.

:'''Paul''': A father only has a few chances to put the fear of God into their daughter's boyfriend. This is one of them.

:'''Kerry''': Why don't you just lock me in my room?
:'''Paul''': Because your mother won't let me.

=== '''''Give It Up''''' ===
:'''Paul''': (to Bridget) Where's your mother?
:'''Kyle''': (thinking Paul's talking to him) At home.
:'''Paul''': No, I mean her mother.
:'''Kyle''': My grandmother?
:'''Paul''': (slowly) No, Bridget's mother.
:'''Kyle''': (slowly) How should I know?

:'''Paul''': One more smart remark like that and there will be a consequence.
:'''Kerry''': My life is a consequence.
:'''Cate''': You know honey, that would have more impact if you didn't say it every day.

:'''Cate''': You know I think this family should go to visit Grandma and Grandpa in Sarasota. We'd hang out in the sun. It will be relaxing. We'll go swimming and I don't have to cook.
:'''Paul''': Cate, your parents don't like me.
:'''Cate''': I know that, honey and I weighed that, but I still have to go with don't have to cook.

=== '''''Paul Meets His Match''''' ===
:'''Cate''': You be nice to your dad today, he's got a lot going on at work.
:'''Kerry''': Dad's the problem. He won't even let our boyfriends come over for Thanksgiving dinner!
:'''Bridget''': Yeah, and like Dad's always telling us to feed the homeless. We don't even know them!

:(''While Paul's talking on his cell to Cate'')
:'''Paul''': No, Cate, he never showed. Some newspaper editor can't even make a deadline. I waited 45 minutes for the big jerk!
:'''Nick''': Paul Hennessey? Nick Sharp, Big Jerk.
:'''Paul''': (whispers to Cate) Don't call him that, honey.

:'''Bridget''': (To Paul) Kyle can't even hold my hand without you thinking he's some kind of sex maniac.
:'''Kerry''': And God forbid Jason put his arm around me. It's like he's already got me pregnant and dropping out of school!
:'''Bridget''': And that'll never happen!
:'''Kerry''': Thank you!
:'''Bridget''': Kerry's so smart, she could graduate high school even if she had two babies!

:'''Paul''': Oh God I am a..a...
:'''Kerry''': Say it.
:'''Paul''': Psycho dad.
:'''Kerry''': Cool! Say it again.

=== '''''All I Want for Christmas''''' ===
:'''Kerry''': (trying to get people to adopt a dog) Make it a real Christmas. Take home a homeless animal...(scoffs at the person walking away) Idiot.

:(''While at the mall'')
:'''Paul''': Would you keep up?
:'''Bridget''': I don't want anyone thinking we're together!
:'''Paul''': Oh, God forbid they'll think were a family. Come on! Kerry's not gonna be with us on Christmas Eve, fine, we'll go be with her.
:'''Bridget''': Okay fine, I'll keep it three steps behind you, only because it's Christmas!

:'''Paul''': We're going to hear your mother sing a solo.
:'''Cate''': Oh.
:'''Paul''': Oh what, honey?
:'''Cate''': Well I just realized I'm going to be singing in front of you guys and what if I screw up? I don't want to screw up in front of you.
:'''Paul''': Oh, babe, you won't even notice us. There are going to be a couple hundred people in the church.
:'''Cate''': Oh.
:'''Paul''': Don't look at it like you're singing for a church full of people. You're singing for God.
:'''Cate''': Oh. You guys can't come.

=== '''''Rory's Got a Girlfriend''''' ===
:'''Rory''' (about his date): I don't want to tell Dad cause he'll go &quot;Awwwwwww&quot;
:'''Bridget and Kerry''': Awwwwwwwwwww.

:'''Kerry''': Rory's going on a date, Bridget's smarter. (''slaps herself'') Wake up, wake up, wake up.

:'''Kerry''': (to Rory) How do you know Sabrina even likes you?
:'''Rory''': Well, Patches stole a note from Megan, who got it from Lacey, who was passing it to Katie, and it said Sabrina called me &quot;hottie with a body,&quot; which is a good thing, so it's pretty much a lock.
:'''Kerry''': Oh my God. You've turned into Bridget.
:'''Bridget and Rory''': What-ever!

=== '''''Career Choices''''' ===
:'''Cate''': I asked my mother why she cut the ends off her pot roast, and she said, &quot;because that's what my mother did&quot;. So I went to my grandmother and asked why SHE cut the ends off the pot roast, and she said, &quot;because that's what my mother did&quot;. So I went to my great grandmother and asked her why SHE cut the ends off the pot roast, and she said, &quot;because the pan was too small&quot;. So you see, the previous generation isn't always so wise.

:'''Paul''' (to Kerry): You are kind of special!
:'''Kerry''': Awww, Dad, that means so much...
:'''Paul''': Not right now, I need to go talk to your sister.

:'''Paul''' (to Bridget): Let me tell you a story. Your grandmother always cooked the pot roast in a little pan, so one day your mother asked her why. And she said, &quot;Because that's how my mother used to do it.&quot; So to make a long story short, you're mother went to her great-grandmother and asked, &quot;What's up with the little pan.&quot; And do you know what she said?
:'''Bridget''': No.
:'''Paul''': I don't know either. But you're grandmother sure does make a grreat roast.
:'''Bridget''': Oh, yeah.

=== '''''Kerry's Big Adventure''''' ===
:'''Cate''': (sarcastically) I remember her as just such a happy little girl on the playground, smoking.

:(''As Bridget and Kerry run down the steps'')
:'''Bridget''': I am going to kill you!
:'''Cate''': What is going on?
:'''Bridget''': I just talked to Amanda who talked to Michelle who talked to Walker who's dating Josie that you...
:'''Paul''': Kerry kissing Kyle meant nothing!
:'''Bridget''': Borrowed my sweater! (''long pause'') What?
:'''Paul''': (to Kerry) You borrowed her sweater?!

:'''Christina''' (to Kerry): So do you want to listen to music or watch tv or something?
:'''Kerry''': No.
:'''Christina''': You're no fun.
:'''Kerry''': Sorry.
:'''Christina''': No, I like it.

=== '''''Come and Knock on Our Door''''' ===
:'''Paul''': This place looks familiar

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Paul''': ''(after overhearing Bridget and Kyle talking about what he thinks is them having sex)'' Aha! Get away from- ''(sees they were talking about cinnamon buns)'' those cinnamon buns. They're fattening.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Bridget/Paul''': You are dead!
:'''Kerry/Kyle''': It's not what it looks like!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Paul''': I have one question for you. Are you gay?
:'''Kyle''': No
:'''Paul''': Wrong answer.

===''''''Drummer Boy (1)''''''===
:'''Bridget''': It's just when Ben looks at me, it's like I'm the only one in the room.
:'''Kerry''': It's a private lesson in our garage. You ''are'' the only one in the room.

:'''Paul''': Hey!
:'''Cate''': Rory!
:'''Rory''': Oh hey.
:'''Paul''': Where's Bridget?
:'''Rory''': I can't tell.
:'''Paul''': Rory, we don't keep secrets in this family.
:'''Rory''': Ok. Mom's got yearbooks. Oh, you mean Bridget. She went out with Ben. I'm her decoy.
:(''Paul leaves then comes back'')
:'''Paul''': I knew you had yearbooks.
:'''Cate''': You can stop building that monkey bed right now.
:'''Rory''': Aww, man!

:'''Rory''': Bridget sneaks in late and you punish her by buying her stuff? Who's a guy got to kill to get a monkey around here?
=== ''''''Drummer Boy (2)'''''' ===
:'''Paul''' (to Kerry): You get home right now!
:'''Cate''': Paul, don't yell at Kerry!
:'''Paul''': I can't yell at Kerry. I can't yell at Bridget. I have to yell at somebody! Rory, stop reading upside down!

:'''Kerry''' (to Bridget): Mom and Dad would kill you if they knew you were carrying on a long-distance relationship behind their back.
:'''Bridget''': And you're not gonna tell them, right? Because you swore and made a secrecy vow and you kissed my old boyfriend, Kyle.
:'''Kerry''': How long are you gonna hold that over my head?
:'''Bridget''': How long does it take for a broken heart to heal?

:'''Cate''': Paul, just calm down.
:'''Paul''': I'm sorry, sweetie. I guess I'm in a bit of bad mood today. This morning, I cut myself shaving years off my life as head of this family.

=== '''''Cool Parent''''' ===
:'''Paul''': What happened to a couple of friends over?
:'''Bridget''': More came, so now it's a kick back.
:'''Paul''': You mean a party.
:'''Bridget''': No, no. Mom said we can't have parties. Twenty or fewer is a kick back.

:'''Rory''': You crossed the line, Dad and you crossed it in slippers.

:'''Paul''': I'll drive all of you in the mini van.
:'''Bridget''': Oh my God. The loser cruiser.

=== '''''Every Picture Tells a Story''''' ===
:'''Kerry''': Don't mess with the middle child!

:'''Cate''': So where's your family tonight, Carter?
:'''Carter''': Wife number one is in Aspen with my girls. Wife number two went back to Italy with my boys. Wife number four, my current wife, she's vacationing with her mother in Martha's Vineyard.
:'''Paul''': What about wife number three?
:'''Carter''': We don't ever talk about wife number three. I love wife number four.

:'''Cate''': Wow! A book!
:'''Kerry''': Yeah, because something more interesting than watching a car drive in a circle is reading about it.

:'''Cate''': You're the adult here, Paul! Why don't you call Carter and explain what happened?
:'''Paul''': Oh, yeah, that's a great idea, Cate. &quot;Here's the picture my son stole from your house, when do we start the book?&quot;

=== '''''Kerry's Video''''' ===
:'''Rory''': [''when Bridget breaks her nose, comes down for breakfast''] I am not an animal.
:'''Bridget''': Shut up!
:'''Cate''': Rory, are you about done?
:'''Rory''': Just about. I am a human... being.

:'''Paul''': We can let [''Bridget''] stay home a couple of days. What's the harm?
:'''Cate''': Paul, and I say this from a loving place...
:'''Paul''': I hate the loving place. I'm always wrong in the loving place.
:'''Cate''': What message do you think you're sending Bridget if you let her stay home from school?
:'''Paul''': Her father loves her more than her mother.

:'''Bridget''': I'm not going to school, Dad.
:'''Paul''': Honey, you know deep down, no one is going to care what you look like.
:'''Bridget''': What high school did you go to? You saw Kerry's video. I'm shallow. I get by on my looks. I can't go to school like this.
:'''Paul''': A broken nose is not a good reason to miss school, to avoid life. Bridget, you know beauty is only skin deep and so what if some of the kids make fun of you.
:'''Bridget''': But I'm not used to it, like Kerry.

=== '''''Good Moms Gone Wild''''' ===
:[''When a newswoman reporting at a local bar in Sarasota where The Hennesseys are vacationing. All of a sudden, they see footage of a college student whipping her bikini around.]''
:'''Cate''': Hey, do you see that girl?
:'''Rory''': Oh yeah! Talk about ''News Flash'' !
:'''Paul''': Rory! ''[still looking at the News Footage]'', She can't even be out of high school. She's about the same age as, as a matter of fact, she looks a little like, alot like...
:'''Both Cate and Paul''': BRIDGET!
:'''Rory''': UGHHHHHH!!!

:'''Paul''': (talking to a bartender) Living in a temple dedicated to my brother in law. With my two teenager daughters who hang out at a bar and my wife who I believe was the original girl gone wild.

:'''Cate''': How was hanging out with Jake?
:'''Rory''': Great. Being old is cool. You get to yell at people, park anywhere, take your teeth out. I can't wait.

=== '''''Career Woman''''' ===
:'''Cate''': I am so nervous.
:'''Paul''': Why? You're a great nurse.
:'''Cate''': But now I have to boss people around.
:'''Paul''': You're great at that too. Like they say, do what you know.

:'''Paul''': I'm looking forward to have a lovely dinner with my children.
:'''Cate''': Girls, where's your brother?
:'''Kerry''': Don't know.
:'''Bridget''': Don't care.
:'''Kerry''': Maybe he's lost.
:'''Bridget''': Maybe a bear got him.

:'''Bridget''' (to Cate): You look rested.
:'''Cate''': Is that supposed to be sarcastic?
:'''Kerry''': Oh Mom, I'm sorry. Bridget just doesn't understand that you've got more important things to do. If anyone should understand sleeping until noon, it's her.

=== '''''Queen Bees and King Bees''''' ===
:'''Cate''': Rory, you want to come to the hospital with me?
:'''Paul''': Or to the newspaper with me? Big presses, jelly donuts...
:'''Rory''': Don't make me choose between…
:'''Cate''': Student nurses, bloody guys.
:'''Rory''': Hospital!

:'''Bridget''': I hate that Jenna. She's evil! Yesterday, she was like, &quot;I love your vintage jacket. It's so you.&quot; So today, I see her and she was wearing the same jacket. Like she's stealing my soul or something! God, she is so petty.

:'''Paul''': It's like a girls' mafia.
:'''Bridget''': There's no such thing as a girls' mafia. Just a highly structured secret society with a set of rules and severe consequences.
:'''Kerry''': There's a secret society?
:'''Bridget''': No.

=== '''''Bake Sale''''' ===
:'''Cate''': The hospital is doing something to fight child hunger. It's called the Great American Bake Sale.
:'''Kerry''': Great idea. Then we can create world peace with a kissing booth.

:'''Bridget''': This is ridiculous. How am I suppsed to raise a bag of flour?
:'''Kerry''': Add yeast.

:'''Rory''': It's just nice not to be the youngest for a change.
:'''Kerry''': Welcome to middle childhood. It's a real picnic.
:'''Rory''': You're right. I'm feeling neurotic and ignored already. I think I'm gonna go cry for no apparent reason!

=== '''''The Doyle Wedding''''' ===
:'''Rory''': I would appreciate it if you could stay off the phone for a while. There are going to be a lot of women calling me. 
:'''Bridget''': Calling you what? Geek?
:'''Kerry''': Perv?
:'''Bridget''': Freak? 
:'''Kerry''': Loser? 
:'''Rory''': Not anymore.

:'''Kerry''': They had a lemonade stand.
:'''Cate''': That's cute!
:'''Kerry''': They're in high school!
:'''Bridget''': Yeah, it's more like a lame-o-nade stand!
:'''Kerry''': And last week, they had a cookie stand!
:'''Bridget''': Yeah, it's more like a lame-o-cookie stand!
:'''Kerry''': And they even had a mud pie stand!
:'''Bridget''': Yeah, it's more like a...I got nothing.

:'''Paul''': (about the Doyles) They swing dance as a family.
:'''Cate''': We're doing it and that's final! As a family?

=== ''''''Sort of an Officer and a Gentleman (1)'''''' ===
:'''Bridget''': I'm going to prove to you I can have a long distance monogamous relationship with my virgin boyfriend just to spite you.

:'''Cate''': Awww! It's Donny Doyle! He's under Bridget's window. He's serenading her.
:'''Paul''': (takes off his shoe) I'm on it.
:'''Cate''': Paul!
:'''Paul''': Cate, he's conning us! Those serenading mid-shipmen virgins are all liars.

:'''Paul''': What do you like to do for fun, Maggie?
:'''Maggie''': Well, lately, I've been using Ted's personal information to destroy his credit!

=== ''''''Sort of an Officer and a Gentleman (2)'''''' ===
:(''When Bridget gets a water bra'')
:'''Bridget''': I am like so back on top with these things! (names her boobs) Hello, Mary Kate! Hello, Ashley!
:'''Rory''': Talk about a &quot;Full House.&quot;

:'''Paul''': I just got off the phone with Carter Tibbits, NASCAR legend. I'm writing his book, so no big deal. (''Kyle and Rory ignore him and continue playing video games'') Riveted. I see. Ummm, we're having a disagreement. Now tell me, does this paragraph &quot;suck&quot; to you? &quot;''My diaper was a checkered flag. My bottle, a can of 50 weight oil and''...&quot; Oh, it does suck!

:'''Paul''': (about the pregnancy test) Kerry, Bridget...Beach, Care Bear...
:'''Cate''': (hesitantly) Paul... it's mine.

== '''Season 2''' ==
==='''Premiere'''===
:'''Paul''' (to Kerry): You could have knocked.
:'''Kerry''': It was 7:00 in the morning! I thought you couldn't do anything until you had your first cup of coffee!

:'''Bridget''': Mom's pregnant? I'm too young to be a grandsister!

:'''Bridget''': Kerry, are those my earrings? They are! God, first you steal my popularity &amp; then my earrings?
:'''Kerry''': You forgot about your boyfriend!

:'''Paul''': Stop fighting or I'm going to turn this car right around!
:'''Cate''': Paul, we're in the living room.
:'''Paul''': It's just a saying.
:'''Cate''': It's a saying in a car!
==='''Sex Ed'''===
:'''Bridget''' (when she learns Cate is teaching sex education): So, you just say yes without even totally considering how it can completely ruin my life?
:'''Paul''': Bridget, I think it's an honor your mother is going to teach you sexual education. After all, she taught me.
:'''Bridget and Rory''': Ew!
:'''Bridget''': Do you guys not understand what situation I am in here? I mean, Donny Doyle's coming in this weekend to see me.
:'''Paul''': So?
:'''Bridget''': So, people already perceive my dating Donny Doyle as a slap in the face! I mean, you know, he's older and he goes to the naval academy instead of his school, and then Danielle's going to this party this weekend, she's all, &quot;You better be there,&quot; and I'm all, &quot;Uh, yeah,&quot; but Donny's all, &quot;Oh, no, I don't want to share you,&quot; which is actually very sweet when you think about it, but it's just the sort of thing that Danielle's gonna use against me, and then (points at Cate) you have to go and exacerbate the whole thing by teaching sex ed at my school!
:'''Rory''': On the bright side, she did say &quot;exacerbate.&quot;

:'''Bridget''': Why do bad things always happen to me?
:'''Paul''': Nothing bad ever happens to you.
:'''Bridget''': Oh, yeah.
==='''''Donny Goes AWOL'''''===
:'''Rory''': Well, Bridget broke up with him [''Donny''] on that tape. (''Everyone looks shocked'') Oh no! I thought everyone knew!
:'''Fred''': Your daughter broke up with our Donny...
:'''Mary Ellen''': ...On our video tape?
:'''Paul''': You stole Donny's harmony part?!

:'''Paul''': Donny, you went AWOL? This could have serious consequences!
:'''Donny''': I don't care! I'd face a thousand firing squads for Bridget!
:'''Paul''': And you realize I'm going to have to tell your parents about this.
:'''Donny''': Oh, no, don't do that! They'll kill me!

:(''When Paul is checking messages on the answering machine'')
:'''First Message''': Hey, neighbor! Fred and Mary Ellen Doyle...
:'''Second Message''': Hey, neighbor! Fred and Mary Ellen Doyle...
:'''Third Message''': Hey, neighbor! Fred and Mary Ellen Doyle...
:'''Cate''': You know, you could return one of Fred's calls!
:'''Paul''': I can't talk to you when you're like this! I swear, he would keep calling even if I changed the outgoing message to, &quot;Doyle, you idiot, stop calling!&quot;
:(''The doorbell rings and Paul answers it'')
:'''Fred''': Hey, neighbor! Kept trying to call, but I think something's wrong with your machine.
:'''Rory''': There's something wrong with the answering machine? (''starts to play Fred's message'')
:'''Paul''': Rory, you fixed it!
:'''Rory''': But...
:'''Paul''': I said, YOU FIXED IT!!!

:'''Bridget''' (to Donny): You were in a fight with my dad?
:'''Donny''': It wasn't so much a fight as-
:'''Bridget''': That is so cool.
:'''Donny''': A battle to the death

=== '''Goodbye (1)''' ===
:'''Cate''': (on the phone) Hello? Yeah, this is Mrs. Hennessy.
:(''The girls arrive downstairs'')
:'''Kerry''': Gosh, you are so jealous.
:'''Bridget''': Oh, please, I debuted at number two on the hot list.
:'''Rory''': Yeah, but she didn't have to do the things you did to get on it.
:(''The kids try to get Cate's attention, but Cate had just received the heartbreaking news and is in a state of shock'')
:'''Kerry''': (nervously) Mom?
:'''Cate''': (fighting back tears) My... my keys, where are my keys?
:'''Kerry''': Mom, what's going on?
:'''Cate''': Oh, my... (''dashes out the back door'')
:'''Rory, Kerry, Bridget''': (uneasily) Mom? Mom!

:'''Kerry''': Bridge? Grandma and Gramps are here.
:'''Bridget''': Is Dad with them?
:'''Kerry''': No.
:'''Bridget''': Well, then I really don't give a damn.

:'''Nick''': (to Cate) You know I have four daughters, I couldn't in a million years work at home. Paul said he never knew how he did it, he just knew why, he loved his family.

==='''Goodbye (2)'''===
:'''Cate''': ''(reading Paul's last article)'' Okay readers, today we're having a little pop quiz, it's multiple choice, so sharpen your number 2 pencils and put your thinking caps on. Ready? Here's a quote: &quot;Dad, you're an idiot.&quot; Now, contestants, this was said to me because of which of the following transgressions? A: Coming to the breakfast table wearing pajamas and black socks? B: Asking my oldest daughter if that guy I saw her talking to yesterday at school was her boyfriend? C: Referring to rapper Fiddy Cent as &quot;Fifty Cents&quot;? or D: Entering the room? Okay, pencils down. Actually it was a trick question. The answer is all of the above. Now do you know how many times I called my father an idiot? Zero. Why? Because I feared him. Back then we didn't share our deep personal feelings, our deepest conversations usually revolved around the [[w:Detriot Tigers|Tigers]] bull pen. But my kids, I can't get them to shut up! There's not a feeling that my kids are afraid to express over and over and over. And my wife reassures me this is a good thing over and over and over, and she's always right. So do I wish that my kids feared me? Well my house would be quieter, and I'd spend a lot less time in the bathroom, but no. Because I know that whenever they insult me whether it's a &quot;You're an idiot,&quot; &quot;You're a geek,&quot; or an &quot;I hate you,&quot; an &quot;I love you&quot; isn't far behind. And it's the knowledge that my wife and kids love me that makes it safe for me to wear pajamas and black socks to the breakfast table.

:'''Bridget''': The last words I said to Dad were, &quot;I hate you.&quot;
:'''Cate''': Oh...
:'''Bridget''': (guilt-ridden) He wouldn't let me borrow his stupid car, and I said &quot;I hate you.&quot; I had my dad, and the last thing I ever said to him was &quot;I hate you.&quot;
:'''Cate''': Aw, honey. I think those were the first words you said to him, also.
:'''Kerry''': My last words were an insult, too. He was wearing his Michigan sweatshirt with chinos, and I told him there weren't enough Queer Eyes in all of San Francisco to help him.
:(''Cate chuckles'')
:'''Cate''': Well, I sent him to the store for milk, so the last thing he heard out of me was, &quot;Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.&quot; You know what his last words to me were? &quot;Hasta la vista, baby.&quot;

=== '''No Right Way''' ===
:'''Bridget''': I never would've got this far before. Dad would never let me go out like this. He would've definitely sent me upstairs to change and tell me to cover myself up in some hideous sweater and then give me a one-hour lecture on how I should respect myself and how guys are only out for one thing and I always hated when he did that! I just want my dad back!
:'''Cate''': Bridget...
:'''Bridget''': Leave me alone!

:'''Cate''' (to Bridget): Is that the dress you bought with my credit card?
:'''Bridget''': Yeah, isn't it great! I mean, you have your boob dresses and your good leg dresses and butt dresses, but it's hardly ever you get a good boob-leg-butt dress, you know what I mean?

:'''Kerry''' (to Bridget): You are too pretty for this dress.
:'''Bridget''': What?
:'''Kerry''': I just think it's for some girl who has to try really hard and you don't. You should respect yourself like was always telling you to. You deserve the best.
:'''Bridget''': You deserve the best too.
:'''Kerry''': No, I don't.
:'''Bridget''': No, listen. What Kyle said to you, he meant it.
:'''Kerry''': How do you know?
:'''Bridget''': Kyle and I went out for a really long time.
:'''Kerry''': Yeah.
:'''Bridget''': He never said it to me.

==='''What Dad Would Want'''===
:'''Cate''' (to Rory): You know a lot of times people take orange balls similar to this one outside and throw them at basketball hoops.
:'''Rory''': Okay, but bring it back.

:'''Jim''' (to Cate): They mean well, honey.
:'''Cate''': Yeah, I know they mean well, but I'm starting to feel like I'm in some kind of circus where the price of admission is a casserole. Step right up and see the grieving widow.
==='''The First Thanksgiving'''===
:'''Cate''' (to Rory): What is going on with you and your sisters?
:'''Rory''': I'm trying to protect them.
:'''Cate''': Aww, that's sweet.
:'''Rory''': I'm afraid that they are going to turn into big fat whores!
:'''Cate''': OK. Not so sweet.

:'''Cate''' (to Rory): Honey, your job is to be a 14-year-old boy and a pain in the butt.
:'''Rory''': I can do that!

:Kerry (to Bridget): So, that's all you can think of to be thankful for? That you got the good hair? 
:'''Bridget''': No, I said it's what I'm most thankful for. 
:'''Jim''': And, what about you, Cate? What are you thankful for? 
:'''Cate''': Well, I'm thankful for my wonderful children, and for my great dad and my mom even though she couldn't be here. 
:'''Jim''': That's what I'm thankful for.
==='''The Story of Anne Frank and Skeevy'''===
:(''Bridget has scored the lead role of Anne Frank, and Kerry isn't happy'')
:'''Cate''': (to Kerry) Now look, we should all be supportive. We should be celebrating. Your sister got the lead in... (''in disbelief'') Anne Frank?

:'''Jim''' (to Rory): Aren't you a little old to be playing with a dummy?
:'''Skeevy''': Aren't you a little old?

:(''Cate finds a sullen Bridget in the attic'')
:'''Cate''': Hey, Bridg. I thought I heard something up here. What are you doing?
:'''Bridget''': Reading The Diary of Anne Frank. Mom, I don't think I can do this.
:'''Cate''': Well, honey, when you get to a word you don't know, just sound it out.
:'''Bridget''': I mean, how could I have taken on the role of Anne Frank? She's just so incredibly wise and brave. I mean, I came up here to see what it was like to be her. I just can't do her justice. I can't.
:'''Cate''': Of course you can.
:'''Bridget''': I know you never see this side of me, but it's true. Sometimes I can be a little bit superficial. I'm just not Anne material. Think I should quit? Because it's not like I'd be letting anybody down. There are tons of girls that could do a way better job than I can. I should quit, right?
:'''Cate''': Well...do you want to quit?
:'''Bridget''': No. I don't wanna quit. But I don't wanna embarrass myself. I don't wanna embarrass you either.
:'''Cate''': Oh, that's just crazy, honey. But do you want to quit?
:'''Bridget''': I don't know what else to do. I'm out of my depth.
:'''Cate''': Wow, you really did read the book. Well...I don't think you should quit. I think you can do it. I know you can do it.
:'''Bridget''': It just doesn't seem right that I play Anne. We're nothing alike. I mean, we have a nice attic, and a nice house...I can go to sleep at night when it's dark, in a warm bed...I can leave whenever I want...I don't know, my life is easy. I just have not experienced that kind of hardship.
:'''Cate''': Well, I can't imagine anyone playing the part has that kind of experience, but an actor finds things to draw on. You know, you have had your share of sadness. Start there.

==='''YMCA'''===
:'''Cate''': Dad, don't go looking for trouble!
:'''Jim''': I don't. Trouble finds me.

:'''Rory''' (to Jim): I've got this friend who keeps showing up when he's not wanted.
:'''Jim''': Ask him to leave.
:'''Rory''': I can't. He doesn't have any ears. I mean he shows up all the time. He's there in the morning. He's there in the shower. I understand why he's there when Missy Kleinfeld walks by. But Hunter and I were have cheeseburgers and he was there too.
:'''Jim''': Oh, yeah, yeah. You know when I was your age, my friend kept showing up too. We were like Hope and Crosby.
:'''Rory''': Who? You do realize I'm talking about my—
:'''Jim''': Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're talking about the same thing, son. What you're going through is perfectly normal.
:'''Rory''': How can this be normal? I can barely walk.
:'''Jim''': Calm down. See this is what happens with a boy your age. Well, in time it will pass. It's a phase. Usually when you get married it will go away completely.
:'''Rory''': So it's normal. Good thanks. So what am I supposed to do in the meantime?
:'''Jim''': Well try to avoid any situations where your friend, you know, tada. You know I'm always telling you to stand up straight, don't hunch over and get your hands out of your pockets.
:'''Rory''': Yeah.
:'''Jim''': Well hunch over and put them back in.

:'''Jim''': Bridget, you're not going back to that job.
:'''Bridget''': You're not my parent. You're my grandparent. You're supposed to give me money and presents and be cute.

==='''Get Real'''===
:'''C.J.''':(to Grandpa Jim) Oh my. Is that my Gampy? Is that my Gampa? Gaga, it's me! (''Jim stares at him'') Please, don't get up.

:'''Cate''' (to C.J.): You told Rory he could get a girl to like him by practicing kissing on another girl?
:'''C.J.''': I told him to practice. But I meant on his hand or in the mirror or on plush toys.
:'''Cate''': You kiss plush toys?
:'''C.J.''': No, you kiss plush toys.

:'''Jim''' (to C.J.): You look me in the eye and you tell me the truth. Why did it take so long to come pay your respects to your Uncle Paul?
:'''Cate''': And C.J., be honest for once.
:'''C.J.''': I was ashamed. You know he was the only guy who said I'd be somebody and I never was. I almost called him one time when I was running the Tilt-A-Whirl but all the parents freaked out because I was dialing instead of &quot;paying attention&quot; to their kids.

==='''Consequences'''===
:'''Cate''': Bridget, are those new pants?
:'''Bridget''': Yes, aren't they cute?
:'''Cate''': Yeah. How did you pay for them?
:'''Bridget''': Umm, with your credit card. Don't you remember? You said Lulu's is having a sale on towels can you go buy some for the guest bathroom use your own judgement. So on the way to the towels I saw these leather pants that were on sale and I remembered C.J. saying you're so wannabe without the leathers and my judgement said you don't want to be a wannabe and I thought judgement you are so right!
:'''C.J.''': That made no sense, but at least you had the presence of mind to drag me into it.

:'''Cate''': Dad, what did we say about hitting C.J. with your cane?
:'''Jim''': Not to do it. It's cause of him I'm using the damn cane, tripping over his damn extension cord, bruising my hip. Now I can't stand up. I can't walk.
:'''Cate''': Dad, let's be positive. There must be something you can do.
:'''Jim''': I can plot my revenge.

:'''Cate''': You want me to go easy. I would just like to know what's going on inside my good child.
:'''C.J.''': The thief, the druggie, or the biker chick?

==='''Opposites Attract (1)'''===
:'''C.J.''': I remember in high school, I needed a duffle bag to carry all the cards I got. Oh, you don't believe me. I may not be much now as a result of some hard and yes questionable living, but back in high school, I was buff, young, and tan. Good looking. I was the man.
:'''Kerry''': Oh yeah, show us your yearbook.
:'''C.J.''': The man was sick on picture day.

:'''Jeremy''' (to Bridget): You're not as dumb as you look.
:'''Bridget''': Hey, you're not as dull as you look.
:'''Jeremy''': Well, look at you. A grammatically correct insult.

:'''C.J.''' (to Jim): You sent me all the way to Canada for aspirin?
:'''Jim''': C.J., the pain in my hip is still here, but now the pain in my ass is in Canada.

==='''Opposites Attract (2)'''===
:'''Kerry''' (to Bridget): They're not geeks, they're academics.
:'''Bridget''': Okay, I'm not an academic and I don't want to stick out. So is there anything I need to know?
:'''Kerry''': Yeah, history, poetry, philosophy, addition.

:'''Bridget''': Mom, CJ's been in the shower for 45 minutes and he's hogging the hot water.
:'''Kerry''': Oh, great, now we have two blondes in the house who think they own the bathroom.

:'''Jeremy''': Bridget I like you. I mean, I really like you. I mean, gosh, you're beautiful, you're sweet, and you're smart. At most I thought we could be friends, but I never would have dreamed that Bridget Hennessy could like someone (''Bridget kisses him'') ... I mean, you know, I'm in my world, you're in yours.... (''Bridget kisses him again'') Okay, you're being initiated into some club, aren't you? (''Bridget kisses him again'') ... Will you marry me? You could quit school, get a job.

==='''Opposites Attract: Night of the Locust (3)'''===
:'''Bridget''' (to Jeremy): What's the matter?
:'''Jeremy''': Oh, I'm worried about chemistry.
:'''Bridget''': Ok, I know Damian's back in town and yes we have great chemistry, but it is so over.
:'''Jeremy''': No, I mean I'm worried about my chemistry test, but thanks now. I'm worried about your old boyfriend.

:'''Kyle''': Damian's outside, Bridget, he wants to see you.
:'''Bridget''': Well, if he wants to see me, why doesn't he come inside?
:'''Kyle''': He says tough guys don't dance.
:'''Bridget''': Then why doesn't he just leave?
:'''Kyle''': He says tough guys don't leave.
:'''Bridget''': Doesn't he know I have a boyfriend?
:'''Kyle''': He says tough guys don't care.

:(''After seeing Rory in a gorilla mask talking into his computer's webcam'')
:'''CJ''': Rory, do you do drugs?
:'''Rory''': No.
:'''CJ''': For a second there, this all made sense.

==='''Daddy's Girl'''===
==='''Mall in the Family'''===
==='''Let's Keep It Going (1)'''===

:'''Jim''': Kerry's so angry. I've never seen such raw, naked hostility since... you know.
:'''Cate''': The Korean War?
:'''Jim''': No, your mother.

:'''Kerry''': Give me one good reason why I can't go to the Maeve Festival.
:'''Cate''': Actually, I'll give you three: sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll.
:'''C.J.''': Sold!

==='''Let's Keep It Going (2)'''===
==='''C.J.'s Party'''===

:'''Bridget''': Mom, please don't ground me.
:'''Cate''': I won't.
:'''Bridget''': Oh wow it really works. Mom, can I have twenty dollars.
:'''Cate''': No.
:'''Cate''': You're not grounded. You're going to help me with the gardening and cleaning the rain gutters.
:'''Bridget''': But what about my nails?
:'''Cate''': I guess you'll have to cut them back.
:'''Bridget''': [to CJ] This is all your fault.
:'''Bridget''': I figured out what CJ stands for... Benedict Arnold.
:'''C.J.''': That would hurt if it made any sense.

==='''Mother's Day'''===

:'''C.J.''': [Bad French Accent] Hello, Cate.
:'''Cate''': [Noticing C. J. sitting there, drinking a cup of tea] How long have you been sitting there?
:'''C.J.''': [Accent] Bridget, Kerry, Kerry, Bridget. What do they covet most, Cate?
:'''Cate''': Boys?
:'''C.J.''': [Accent] Hm, yes. Many, many boys.
:'''Cate''': Well, I was just in their room...
:'''C.J.''': [Accent] Snooping, Clarice?
:'''Cate''': I was cleaning! Anyway, i found my suitcase, and a bunch of websites about hotels.
:'''C.J.''': [Accent] Bridget and Kerry, hotel, boys. One banana, two banana, three banana, four.

:'''C.J.''': [Bad French Accent] What we have here, Cate, is a Trash &amp; Dash.
:'''Cate''': What's that?
:'''C.J.''': [Bad French Accent] The coolest kids in school throw a party. They rent a fancy hotel room, trash the place, then dash out the door without paying. Trash &amp; Dash.
:'''Cate''': You used to do that?
:'''C.J.''': I said the cool kids! I asked all my friends about it, they're like &quot;no! It's a myth!&quot;
:'''Cate''': You know, that actually makes sense. The hotels, the beauty salon, the cool kids didn't invite you. Thanks, C. J.
:'''C.J.''': [Bad French Accent] You have to admit, Cate, the world's a much more interesting place with me around.
:'''Cate''': C. J., why are you talking like that?
:'''C.J.''': I don't know.

:'''Cate''': Corn?
[She sits up]
:'''Bridget''': [VO] The chips are potato and corn...
:'''Cate''': [She stands up and knocks a bag over. A flyer falls out that reads &quot;Evergreen - Fresh and Fun&quot;]
:'''Kerry''': [VO] We rented... Evergreen. I hear it's totally fresh and fun...
:'''Cate''': [Flashback, reading a flyer] An overnight stay in a beautility salon...
:'''Rory''': [Flashback, hanging up the phone] That's weird. Travis Stevens just invited me over to his house...
:'''C.J.''': [Flashback, sipping a cup of tea] What do they covet most, Cate? Many, many boys...
:'''Cate''': Those girls! They are so dead!
[Hops out of the room]

=='''External links'''==
{{wikipedia|8 Simple Rules}}
* {{imdb title|id=0312081|title=8 Simple Rules (For Dating My Teenage Daughter)}}

[[Category:2000s American sitcoms]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:ABC shows]]
[[Category:TV shows about families]]
[[Category:TV shows about teenagers]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Code Lyoko</title>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-26T22:15:29Z</timestamp>
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        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
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      <text bytes="139860" xml:space="preserve">{{tv-cleanup|2017-08-16}}
'''''[[w:Code Lyoko|Code Lyoko]]''''' is a [[w:Canadian-American|Canadian-American]] 2D hand-drawn animation that previously aired on [[w:Cartoon Network|Cartoon Network]] on Miguzi.  

Its cancelled sequel series, '''''[[Code Lyoko: Evolution]]''''' aired in Paris, on France 4, in January 5, 2013 and was left open-ended, as an unresolved [[w: cliffhanger|cliffhanger]].

==Season One==
===X.A.N.A. Awakens, Part One===
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Jeremy:''' I hope I'm not gonna regret this in a minute. 
:(''Activates the quantum supercomputer from the chamber'') Wow.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Jeremy:''' What's this? A video game?
: '''Aelita:''' Who are you? Where am I?
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:(''Looks at the holo-map showing the virtual world Lyoko'')
: '''Jeremy:''' Maya, there's not just a forest out there. There's an [[w:Virtual world|entire world]]! I count four sectors. Each one is different.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Ulrich:''' Who's the girl with the pink hair?
: '''Jeremy:''' That's Maya, a humanoid form of [[w:artificial intelligence|artificial intelligence]] who lives on Lyoko.
: '''Ulrich:''' Don't play with me. You created her, right?
: '''Aelita:''' No. I woke as soon as Jeremy restarted the supercomputer. I don't know who I am. My memory has been erased.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Ulrich:''' What if it's just a video game?
: '''Jeremy:''' Then it's a very dangerous game.
: '''Ulrich:''' You know what I think, Belpois? If that's dangerous, I think you should shut it down and call the police.
: '''Jeremy:''' I will. But first I want to help Maya, to learn what she's doing here in this virtual world.
: '''Ulrich:''' Oh yeah? What makes you think you can?
: '''Jeremy:''' I know I can.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;It seems that scanners tap into your own personal desires, and then digitizes them as a virtual avatar.&quot;
: '''Odd:''' &quot;I don't dream about giant purple cats!&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:(''Ulrich is virtualized in the Forest region for the first time'')
: '''Odd:''' No fair! How come he gets to be a samurai!? I don't career I'm not a human I'm a robot made to act like one

===X.A.N.A. Awakens, Part Two===
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:(''Yumi is virtualized for the first time in the Ice Region'')
: '''Ulrich:''' That Japanese outfit is looks good on you.
: '''Odd:''' Aw, man! I'm the only one who looks like a nitwit on Lyoko.
: '''Yumi:''' Uh, mind telling me where we are?
: '''Ulrich:''' In a virtual world. Don't worry! You'll get used to it.
&lt;hr width=70%&gt;
: '''Yumi:''' Oh no. I don't have a weapon. A fan? That's all?
: '''Odd:''' Trying throwing it. You never know. 
:(''Yumi throws the spiked fan, which acts as a fast-moving boomerang and destroys the two Bloks from a distance'')
: '''Yumi:''' Wow! I think I'll keep it.
&lt;hr width=70%/&gt;
:(''Aelita instinctively uses her terrain-altering power of creativity to erect an ice wall'') 
: '''Yumi:''' Was it you who did that?
: '''Aelita:''' I think so.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
: '''Jeremy:''' But why would I not remember anything?
: '''Yumi:''' Maybe it's because you were the only one who didn't get virtualized on Lyoko.
: '''Jeremy:''' That could be it. Next time, I'll go right back and scan myself.
: '''Aelita:''' No, Jeremy. This is way too dangerous. we better just shut it down.
: '''Jeremy:''' But, Maya...
: '''Aelita:''' Aelita. When I entered the tower, I remembered my name.
: '''Jeremy:''' Aelita. That's way better than Maya.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Ulrich:''' Look, we know how to neutralize X.A.N.A. We just have to get Aelita to the activated tower.
: '''Odd:''' And we can fight while Einstein tries to find a way to bring Aelita back to Earth, right?
: '''Yumi:''' It's risky but I think we should. After all we are Lyoko warriors, aren't we?
: '''Jeremy:''' Okay. We'll do it. But we got to remember about our pact, right?
: '''Yumi:''' Relax. We know how to keep a secret.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Sissi:''' I came to save you, Ulrich. And what is that [[Chinese]] girl doing around here!?
: '''Yumi:''' I am ''[[Japanese]]''!
: '''Jeremy:''' What about Maya? Is she here?
:'''Ulrich:''' No, Jeremy. It didn't work. She didn't materialize.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Mr. Delmas:''' Let’s go, Belpois! Kill this thing immediately and follow me!
:'''Jeremy:''' No. I'm running a new program. With a little luck, it'll work.
:'''Ulrich:''' What kind of program?
:'''Jeremy:''' Return to the past now!!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' But, Maya...
:'''Aelita:''' Aelita. when I entered the tower, I remembered my name.
:'''Jeremy:''' Aelita. That's way better than Maya.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yumi:''' Hi. Find anything?
:'''Jeremy:''' Yes. X.A.N.A.
:'''Odd:''' X.A.N.A.? What's that?
:'''Aelita:''' A super dangerous [[w:artificial intelligence|program]], like a [[w:computer virus|virus]] that can control electricity and it activates towers on Lyoko to gain access to your world.
:'''Yumi:''' So the red tower, the electricity monster, the monsters on Lyoko- All of that was X.A.N.A.?
:'''Jeremy:''' Yes. Only Aelita can counter it by deactivating the tower that it uses for attacks in the real world.
:'''Aelita:''' No, Jeremy. We better just shut his thing down.
:'''Ulrich:''' Look, we know how to neutralize X.A.N.A. We just get Aelita to the activated tower.
:'''Odd:''' And we can fight off the monsters while Einstein figures out a way to bring Aelita to Earth, right?
:'''Yumi:''' It's risky, but I think we should. After all, we are Lyoko warriors, aren't we?
:'''Jeremy:''' All right. Don't forget about our pact, right?
:'''Yumi:''' &quot;Relax. We all know how to keep a secret.&quot;

===Teddygozilla===
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Odd:''' What do you say we make sure our old friend X.A.N.A. isn't behind all this?
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Ulrich:''' X.A.N.A. in a teddy bear?
: '''Jeremy:''' He's always there when you least expect him. OK. Who's ready to go?
: '''Odd:''' I volunteer.
: '''Jeremy:''' What did I just say, huh? We can't have a solo mission. It's too dangerous without Yumi.
: '''Odd:''' But there's been two accidents and even going back in time, if there's an accident, it's all over.
&lt;hr width=70%/&gt;
: '''Aelita:''' If its under X.A.N.A.'s control, it'll only become much madder. It'll go for anyone whose around. Especially his mortal enemies, like you.
: '''Ulrich:''' Oh no! Yumi!
&lt;hr width=70%/&gt;
: '''Aelita:''' Odd, I'm afraid we haven't any choice!
:(''Odd suddenly has a vision of Aelita falling into the digital sea'')
&lt;hr width=70%/&gt;
: '''Odd:''' We can't leave you alone for a minute, huh?
: '''Aelita:''' Odd, I think I found something.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ulrich:''' Ready for a trip into the past, Yumi?
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===Seeing is Believing===
: '''Yumi:''' Nucular sabotage! That's a little over our heads, wouldn't you say?
: '''Ulrich:''' What do you mean?
: '''Yumi:''' Think about it! If we fail on Lyoko, the whole region will be wiped out! We got to warn the authorities.
: '''Jeremy:''' Are you crazy!? They'll be an inquiry and we'll be questioned! We'll have to tell them everything! And if hey discover X.A.N.A. they'll pull all the plugs out!
: '''Yumi:''' And we'll lose Aelita! I know that! But we're talking about a neucular disaster!
: '''Jeremy:''' Okay. Let's take a vote. Who's for raising the alarm?
: '''Yumi:''' For.
: '''Jeremy and Odd:''' Against.
: '''Ulrich:''' Sorry, Aelita. But I also think we can't take that big a risk. I vote for. Let's report it.
: '''Jeremy:''' Well, that's two votes for and two votes against! We don't tell anybody.
: '''Yumi:''' I think it means that we should tell everybody!
: '''Aelita:''' Don't I have the right to vote?
: '''Jeremy:''' Why of course you do. That way it won't be a tie.
: '''Aelita:''' In that case, I vote for.
: '''Jeremy:''' Huh!?
: '''Aelita:''' I don't want thousands of people to die just to save me.
: '''Yumi:''' Thank you, Aelita.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
: '''Odd:''' I found it.
: '''Ulrich and Aelita:''' Huh?
: '''Odd:''' We've been tricked. There's no water down there, just a surface layer. I'll go and have a closer look.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
: '''Fireman:''' A supercomputer in a factory? A virtual world?
: '''Yumi:''' I swear! You have to believe me!

===Holiday in the Fog===
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jim:''' All right, young man! You think the wall’s gonna clean itself!? GET TO WORK, NOW!!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jim:''' Get up, young man! Time to face the music! JEREMY!!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Yumi:''' I may an idea for blocking the monsters. 
:(''Uses her telekinetic abilities to move a jagged rock'')
: '''Jeremy:''' Yumi! If she gets hit one more time...
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Odd:''' Hey, you! That's right- You. Laser Flash!
:(''Fires a laser arrow, destroying the Blok which devirtualizes him as well'')
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ulrich''': I don’t understand why you insist on getting punished with detention again, Jeremy! Come on, XANA’s not going to reactivate this soon! You could give yourself a short vacation.
:'''Jeremy''': Not as long as Aelita stays virtual. And this time, to tell you the truth…heh, considering what we painted, Jim can’t be too angry.
:(Shot of the graffiti of Jim with a crown and emperor’s cloak)
:'''Ulrich''': Come to think of it, heh, I’m going to stick around! Anything is better than another one of Ms Schmidt’s math lessons. Even Jim, heh.

===Log Book===
:'''Jeremy:''' A what?
:'''Ulrich:''' A diary! Sissi found it- And now she's blackmailing me. I have to got out with her. If thinks she's gonna win me over that easily, she's wrong.
:'''Jeremy:''' Hold on a second. In this diary of yours, did you talk about X.A.N.A. or Lyoko?
:'''Ulrich:''' Well, yeah. And Sissi says if I don't, she's gonna tell everybody. I don't know what to do.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yumi:''' Sissi is blackmailing him!?
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ulrich:''' We're in for a rough ride.
:'''Odd:''' Aelita's gonna need a hand on Lyoko.
:'''Ulrich:''' You go. I'll stay here.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Sissi's Voice:''' &quot;I'm tired of his acting as if I don't even exist. I can't stand watching him pay so much attention to Yumi. So while he was in the lunch room, I went looking around. I just wanted a picture of him, but I found much better than that. Now he can't possibly turn me down. I know what I'm doing isn't very nice, but it's the only way I can get him to stop ignoring me.&quot;
:'''Yumi:''' Of all the nasty tricks.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' Yumi, did you find Ulrich's diary?
:'''Yumi:''' No, but-Guess what?- I found Sissi's. You were right. She knows about Lyoko. She doesn't really understand what it is, but she's ready to use what she knows.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' Odd and Ulrich were right: X.A.N.A. is at it again. The pulsations are getting stronger.
:'''Jeremy:''' Aelita, the activated tower is in the Desert.
:'''Aelita:''' Okay, I'm off.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;

===Big Bug===
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yumi:''' Hey, I been trying to reach you for twenty minutes! Thanks, guys! X.A.N.A. has launched an attack.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ulrich:''' You're an even worse pain in the neck than I thought.
:(''Sissie smiles mugly'')
:'''Ulrich:''' how could she do such a thing?
:'''Yumi:''' She got her revenge, but we can't worry about that now. Come on! There are too many lives at stake.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yumi:''' That's too easy.
:'''Ulrich:''' Yeah. Feels like a real X.A.N.A. trap.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ulrich:''' Yumi, take Aelita away with you! I'll take care of them.
:'''Yumi:''' But, Ulrich...!
:'''Ulrich:''' Don't argue! Run!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===Cruel Dilemma===
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Odd:''' Jeremy , it isn't the scanner she has to worry about. I just had a [[w:premonition|vision]]. I saw Yumi fall into the digital void.
:'''Jeremy:''' Virtualized forever? Yumi?
:'''Yumi:''' I heard him.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' I never even thought it was possible. For one of us to become...
:'''Ulrich:''' It's my fault. I'd been faster, she'd still be here.
:'''Aelita:''' But there is a solution and Jeremy knows what it is.
:'''Jeremy:''' The materialization program. It's operation, but Aelita has to give up her place to Yumi.
:'''Ulrich:''' Can you bring Yumi back here?
:'''Jeremy:''' Yes. But I can only materialize one person; one and only one.
:'''Aelita:''' Then choose Yumi. She's part of your world already.
:'''Jeremy:''' Okay, Aelita. But first I need to track Yumi in the digital void.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===Image Problem===
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Aelita:''' Hurry! We got to go and save Yumi!
: '''Ulrich:''' Yumi? Yumi's not...
: '''Aelita:''' The real Yumi! The one who's here on Lyoko. The other one was created by X.A.N.A.
&lt;hr width=70%/&gt;
: '''Aelita:''' It's a guardian. A sort of digital jail adapted to the body imprisoned in it.
: '''Ulrich:''' I can't destroy it with my weapon.
: '''Aelita:''' I can create a clone, a false image of Yumi. We can try to convince the Guardian that's its mistaken.
&lt;hr width=70%/&gt;
: '''Aelita:''' Jeremy's not answering. I'm afraid something's wrong.
: '''Ulrich:''' He's all alone with the other one. If she destroys the scanners, its all over.
: '''Yumi:''' The other? What other? Who wants to wreck the scanners?
: '''Odd:''' The other...''you''.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yumi:''' This is serious. One of us has to go back to reality right away.
:'''Ulrich:''' I'll go.
:'''Yumi:''' No, it's better if I go, Ulrich. I don't know how many life points I have left. And even if I have five or ten I won't be of much use to you. And also I have a personal matter to deal with: It's between me and myself.
:'''Ulrich:''' Then you go. But first you have to de-virtualize yourself. The question is: How?
:'''Yumi:''' You're armed, aren't you?
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:(''To her X.A.N.A. clone'')
: '''Yumi:''' You know what? You look just like me when having a bad day.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Aelita:''' The fact that X.A.N.A. was able to materialize another Yumi proves one thing: It proves that materialization is really possible.
: '''Yumi:''' That's crazy. X.A.N.A.'s trying to help us with our materialization program.
:'''Odd:''' I'd go and ask X.A.N.A. He has all the answers already.
:'''Ulrich:''' I wouldn't trust him. Look at the Yumi he sent us.
:'''Odd:''' Oh, she wasn't that different from the original.
:'''Jeremy:''' She sure was. I saw the difference. As soon as she started to flirt with me...
:'''Yumi:''' Really? Do you have any proof that it's the real me you're looking at?
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===End of Take===
:'''Odd:''' Ulrich and Sissi working together on a film. This could be the beginning of a great romance.
:'''Ulrich:''' Yeah right. She won't leave alone for one second.
:'''Jeremy:''' Your real job is to be there in the factory, making sure that no one discovers our lab.
:'''Aelita:''' Come on. It's not going to be as bad as all that.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Sissi:''' I don't get this at all. Why did he leave us alone?
:'''Ulrich:''' He probably to use as bait to attract the others.
:'''Sissi:''' When you say &quot;the others&quot;, Ulrich, do you mean that whole gang of yours? But why?
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' Jeremy, if I happen to choose the wrong tower, it'll be all over. You know that.
:'''Jeremy:''' I have faith in you, Aelita.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===Satellite===
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:(''Odd enters the main lab'')
:'''Jeremy:''' Yumi's in trouble! The laser's aimed right at her!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Odd:''' Yumi, to the factory! It's you the satellite's after!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' Ulrich, can you hear me?
:'''Ulrich:''' Yes, Aelita. Have you found the tower?
:(''Aelita suddenly notices a red glow behind the waterfall'')
:'''Aelita:''' I think I have.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===The Girl of the Dreams===
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Talia:''' But if he's so dangerous why don't you just destroy Lyoko?
:'''Jeremy:''' Because you...you were part of this world.
:'''Talia:''' You're totally crazy. This whole story is crazy. You know what, if all this stuff is so dangerous, it's time you destroyed it once and for all!
:'''Jeremy:''' Do you...do you really think so?
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ulrich:''' Jeremy, stop.
:'''Odd:''' Have you gone bananas, Einstein? What if Aelita is still on Lyoko?
:'''Jeremy:''' But she's not, I tell you! She's right in front of you!
:'''Ulrich:''' Jeremy, I know you dreamed of seeing Aelita in reality for months. But please come down to Earth. You can't be sure. And what if you were mistaken?
:'''Odd:''' You mean you're willing to take the risk of destroying Aelita by destroying X.A.N.A.?
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ulrich:''' It's a Guardian, the same one that imprisoned Yumi.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ulrich:''' I heard Sissi say the new girl was an orphan. That's why she didn't want to talk about her family.
:'''Jeremy:''' Anyway, she nowhere near looks like Aelita. The nose is different, as well as the hair.They're not similar at all. How could you possibly thought she was Aelita?
:'''Ulrich:''' Did you say that ''we'' thought she was Aelita?
:'''Jeremy:''' You'd have to be blind to think that.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===Plagued===
:'''Jim:''' Yooou!! Two hours detention (''Is, in fact, Mr. Delmas'') Oh, I'm sorry about that, Sir.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jim''': Ulrich! Is that what you called &quot;studying!&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===Swarming Attack===
:'''Jeremy:''' Hey, Odd, did I really play better than him?
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Odd:''' You think it's X.A.N.A. Come on. Hornets' nests have always been around, and accidents happen all the time.
:'''Ulrich:''' You're right. But these hornets, they were after us and nobody else.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yumi:''' Ulrich, this is all on account of Sissi.
:'''Ulrich:''' Don't you think I know that!? Because of her, I'm confused. Every time I see you I don't what to think. So just leave me alone, okay?
:'''Jeremy:''' He's losing it.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yumi:''' Ulrich, are you with us or not!? I know you're unhappy but there's no reason to be! Our friendship's stronger than that! You can't let Sissi's dirty tricks break us up, will you!? So forget all about that. Please. We need your help.
:'''Ulrich:''' You take Aelita to the tower, I'll take care of them.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===Just in Time===
:'''Ulrich:''' You materialized a test tube.
:'''Jeremy:''' No, airhead. Look inside, will you?
:'''Odd:''' A hair?
:'''Jeremy:''' To be exact, it's a hair of Aelita's.
:'''Ulrich:''' A real hair?
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' But I'm not finished fixing the program!
:'''Ulrich:''' Odd is in danger! Transfer me right now!!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' Jeremy, I've got to deactivate the tower.
:'''Jeremy:''' No!! You can't! I'll start over again!
:'''Aelita:''' Jeremy, you know there's no choice.
:'''Jeremy:''' You'll be reformatted and disappear, Aelita! I can't let you do that!
:'''Aelita:''' Are you ready for one last run?
:'''Jeremy:''' No, Aelita!! ''Don't do it!!''
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' Goodbye, Jeremy.
:'''Jeremy:''' NO!! AELITA!!
:(''Enters the CODE: LYOKO, deactivating the tower and neutralizing X.A.N.A.'s attack yet again'')
:'''Jeremy''' (''in tears'')''':''' Return to the past, now.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ulrich:''' Jeremy, it wasn't your fault.
:'''Jeremy:''' It was. And all that for a strand of hair.
:'''Yumi:''' Hey, the hair! Jeremy, didn't you say the hair contained Aelita's entire genetic code?
:'''Jeremy:''' Her computer code, yes, but-
:'''Yumi:''' Is it possible to reverse things and recreate Aelita's code from a strand of her hair?
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' The codes are getting restored! It's working!
:'''Aelita:''' Jeremy. I'm ready for my materialization now.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' Jeremy, did I miss something? Why is there water on your face?
:'''Jeremy:''' I'll tell you later, Aelita. This time we only missed...by a hair.

===The Trap===
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
: '''Jeremy:''' Aelita and I met one year ago today.
: '''Odd''' (''in a whisper'')''':''' It's Aelita's birthday.
: '''Ulrich:''' Yeah, I forgot.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
: '''Ulrich:''' Man, it's already been a year since we met Aelita.
: '''Jeremy:''' And I still haven't managed to materialize her.
: '''Ulrich:''' I know. But we've managed to protect her from X.A.N.A.
: '''Odd:''' How about we use our lunch hour to prepare a little surprise? She'd like that a lot.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:(''Detects pulsations all around the Desert Region'')
:'''Aelita:''' X.A.N.A.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Odd:''' &quot;Too bad this isn't Lyoko. At least I have [[w:Superpower (ability)|superpowers]] there.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' &quot;What is going on? I don't understand.&quot;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;It's something from our world.&quot;
:'''Aelita:''' &quot;Oh, I see. And am I supposed to do something?&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;We're celebrating because it's exactly one year ago that we met you.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===Laughing Fit===
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Odd:''' I feel really weak, Jeremy. Did anything happen during the transfer? Jeremy?
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Odd:''' I just has a psychic vision. You have to go left, you hear? And don't wait for me. I'm too weak to go.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===Claustrophobia===
:'''Yumi:''' Which region are you in now?
:'''Aelita:''' I just reached the Forest and I thought I sensed some pulsations, but I'm sure.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' Ulrich, how's it going?
:'''Ulrich:''' We're prisoners here in the cafeteria, Jeremy. We'll never get out here.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' Yumi will get here in time. I know she will. I have faith in you, Jeremy.
:'''Jeremy:''' Oh no!
:'''Aelita:''' I have faith in you.
:(''Yumi pushes her away, causing the Kankerlots to be destroyed by their own lasers'')
:'''Yumi:''' That's what I call getting carried away.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===Amnesia===
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Odd:''' Ewe. What are those ugly creatures?
:'''Jeremy:''' What I was afraid of. They're nano viruses and X.A.N.A. must have created them to attack memory cells.
:'''Yumi:''' That means that it is contagious.
:'''Jeremy:''' Like all viruses, you can catch it from sneezing, physical contact- soon the school will be infected, including us.
:'''Odd:''' A world without memory.
:'''Yumi:''' Under X.A.N.A.'s control.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ulrich:''' Listen, I can't remember anything, but I know there's something important I have to do here. Tell me what it is.
:'''Jeremy:''' See those scanners? Head down there and you'll have all the answers you need.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Odd:''' Welcome to the virtual world, Ulrich.
:'''Ulrich:''' Where am I? What is this place? What are we here for?
:'''Odd:''' To fight, of course.
:'''Ulrich:''' To fight? I don't know how to fight.
:'''Odd:''' Of course you do. You just forgot. But I'll refresh your memory.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ulrich:''' You're jut dodging my blows. Don't you have a weapon?
:'''Odd:''' I have a few arrows, But I'd rather save them for now. And I don't want to hurt you with them either.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ulrich:''' There! I win the game!
:'''Odd:''' Sure. But you beat an ally.
:'''Ulrich:''' Huh?
:'''Odd:''' Now that you know who your friends are, it's time to meet your enemies.
:(''Shows him where two Krabs are attacking Yumi and Aelita'')
:'''Odd:''' To get rid of them, you have to shoot them on the place that looks like an eye.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' Thanks for clearing the passage.
:'''Ulrich:''' Huh? She's leaving?
:'''Jeremy:''' Uh, not exactly total recall.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===Killer Music===
:'''Ulrich:''' Odd and his music are driving me nuts.
:'''Jeremy:''' You're not into heavy metal, rock, punk?
:'''Ulrich:''' Not when I have to study for an exam. Is it okay if I study in your room?
:'''Jeremy:''' Sure. I can even give you some help if you want.
:'''Ulrich:''' I could sure use some.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' Time to get up, Ulrich.
:'''Ulrich:''' Too tired.
:'''Jeremy:''' Do I have to remind you, you have a test this morning.
:'''Ulrich:''' Didn't get a lot sleep.
:'''Jeremy:''' How come?
:'''Ulrich:''' Well, I'll tell you how come: &quot;Oh, Aelita. Oh, Aelita, you're in my dreams. I can't wait until-&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' Shh. She'll hear you.
:'''Ulrich:''' Between you and Odd, I can't study or sleep.
:'''Jeremy:''' Hey, you're not gonna tell anybody, huh?
:'''Ulrich:''' Promise, Romeo.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:(''Jeremy opens his laptop that is directly connected to the supercomputer and the virtual world of Lyoko'')
:'''Jeremy:''' Aelita? Aelita?
:'''Aelita:''' Jeremy, how's everything going?
:'''Jeremy:''' Not good. Odd's in a coma. It's really weird. His heart has almost stopped beating.
:'''Aelita:''' Oh no. 
:'''Jeremy:''' No one knows what to do. And the weirdest thing of all is that Odd may not be the only one hit by the illness.
:'''Aelita:''' Bizarre. Do think X.A.N.A. is capable of creating disease?
:'''Jeremy:''' I can't believe he was actually able to attack humans directly.
:'''Aelita:''' Looks like he might have found a way.
:'''Jeremy:''' I better warn Ulrich and Yumi. Meanwhile, see if you feel any pulsations.
:'''Aelita:''' Okay.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' Ulrich, I just spoke to Aelita. She's gonna see if X.A.N.A. is the cause of our problem. If he did this I can't figure out how. What I do know is that going to Lyoko is the only way to save him. So let's go.
:(''Ulrich looks down at Odd's comatose form'')
:'''Ulrich:''' We'll get you out of this. I ''swear'' we will.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:(''In the Mountain Region of Lyoko'')
:'''Aelita:''' Oh no. X.A.N.A.'s activated a tower.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yumi''' (''on her cellphone'')''':''' Jeremy, it's the song that's causing it.
:'''Jeremy:''' What do you mean, &quot;the song&quot;? I don't understand.
:'''Yumi:''' It is. It's the song, ''Glad When Your Bad.''
:'''Ulrich:''' Oh no. I think that's the song Odd downloaded from the web, yesterday.
:'''Jeremy:''' X.A.N.A. is using a mediate for maximum coverage.
:'''Yumi:''' He's formatted the song and now he's spreading it all over.
:'''Jeremy:''' A deadly melody.
:'''Ulrich:''' Considering what it's done to Odd we better deactivate the tower. Send Yumi as soon as she gets here.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' I'll send you north to the Mountains. Transfer, Ulrich. Scanner, Ulrich. Virtualization.
:(''Ulrich is virtualized in the Mountain region'')
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' Ulrich.
:'''Ulrich:''' We gotta get to the activated tower, fast.
:'''Aelita:''' Look, you see? 
:(''Pulsations continue throughout the mountains'')
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yumi:''' Everything OK on Lyoko?
:'''Jeremy:''' Not really. Ulrich's frozen solid and Aelita's alone.
:'''Yumi:''' I'm ready to go.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===Frontier===
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' But- I already did that! The system is bound to screw up if it keeps getting the same data twice! If we keep working against each other, we're never going to succeed, never!
:'''Aelita:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Jeremy:''' No. I'm the one who should be sorry, Aelita. Forgive me. I shouldn't have gotten so angry.
:'''Aelita:''' It's OK. But I think we should stop for tonight.
:'''Jeremy:''' Aelita.
:'''Aelita:''' Good night.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ulrich:''' Are you in contact with him?
:'''Aelita:''' Yes. Well, let's just say I think what he thinks. It's as if he were part of my mind.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Odd:''' Ulrich. I can't believe you kissed Sissi.
:'''Ulrich:''' If you tell Yumi, you're dead.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' I thought you were mad at me.
:'''Jeremy:''' I thought you were mad at me, Aelita.
:'''Aelita:''' Jeremy, when you're in love, does it mean that you fight a lot?
:'''Jeremy:''' Not all the time but it can happen.
:'''Aelita:''' You should try telling that to Ulrich and Yumi.

===The Robots===
:'''Ulrich:''' &quot;You thinking what I'm thinking?&quot;
:'''Yumi:''' &quot;X.A.N.A.&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;If so, Aelita must have been trying to reach us.&quot;
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Yumi:''' &quot;Jeremy's not the only one who knows about robots.&quot;
:'''Ulrich:''' &quot;Who did you have in mind?&quot;
:'''Yumi:''' &quot;Herb.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yumi:''' &quot;X.A.N.A. no. Don't hurt him.&quot;
:(''The robot scans and recognizes Yumi as its creator's sworn enemy'')
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===Zero Gravity Zone===
&lt;hr width50%&gt;
: '''Odd:''' Leave him alone. He's got his reasons. His parents are coming to the game this afternoon. Have you ever met Ulrich's dad? If you're not first in everything then you're nothing in his book. And since Ulrich's report cards are kind of disastrous, the only way to make his dad happy is...
: '''Jeremy:''' When he plays soccer.
: '''Odd:''' That's right. That's why he's been training so hard for weeks now. He's gonna play today's game as if his life depended on it.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Jeremie:''' &quot;Odd, how's it going?&quot;
: '''Odd:''' &quot;It's horrible! The telekinesis has exhausted Yumi, and the more hornets I get rid of, the more there are!&quot;
&lt;hr width70%&gt;

===Routine===
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
: '''Odd:''' Why all these questions, huh?
: '''Ulrich:''' No reason. I'm just fed up of all this. School Lyoko, back to school, back to Lyoko! And this is X.A.N.A.'s fifth attack in a week. I'm also fed up about what's happening to Yumi and me. once I get the feeling that she doesn't really like me, that she doesn't have any feelings for me.
&lt;hr width=70%/&gt;
: '''Odd:''' What if the attack is aimed at us directly? For example this argument between Yumi and Ulrich? Suppose X.A.N.A.'s just using Emily to mess with our heads.
: '''Ulrich:''' I have an idea! He's using your ridiculous theories to distract us.
&lt;hr width=70%/&gt;
: '''Aelita:''' I hope you're not going to kill each other if I leave you two alone.
&lt;hr width=70%/&gt;
: '''Aelita:''' Strange. Usually the program doesn't involve any one of X.A.N.A.'s creatures. It's really weird. 
: '''Ulrich:''' You go. You're the closest.
: '''Aelita:''' Now I understand Jeremy! It's a trap! X.A.N.A. sabotaged the devirtualization program!
: '''Jeremy:''' Odd, watch out for lasers! This monster could kill you for good!

===Rock Bottom?===
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yumi:''' Great news, guys. Tonight, we have the house to ourselves.
:'''Ulrich:''' You did it.
:'''Yumi:''' We better get organized. 
:'''Ulrich:''' No problem.
:'''Yumi:''' Something wrong, Jeremy?
:'''Jeremy:''' I'm trying to localize Lyoko. It shouldn't take this much time.
:'''Yumi:''' Don't worry. If there's a problem, Aelita will contact you.
:'''Jeremy''' (''not convinced'')''':''' Yeah, well. We can always hope.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' Aelita? Aelita, can you read me?
:'''Aelita:''' Hello, Jeremy. How are you?
:'''Jeremy:''' So and so. 
:'''Aelita:''' What? What's wrong?
:'''Jeremy:''' It's such a tough time contacting Lyoko.
:'''Aelita:''' That's nothing new. Lyoko is constantly changing its access points on the network.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' Connection!
:'''Computerized Female Voice:''' Connecting to Lyoko.
:'''Jeremy:''' Aelita.
:'''Aelita:''' Jeremy, you're there at last. X.A.N.A's activated a tower.
:'''Jeremy:''' That's what we thought. We already been affected.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' They disappeared from my screen.
:'''Yumi:''' Where did they go?
:'''Aelita:''' I don't know. In this territory they have the advantage.

===Ghost Channel===
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Mr. Delmas:''' (''exasperated'') Jeremy, this is serious! Everybody is very concerned! Now for the last time, do you know where Yumi, Odd, and Ulrich are?!
:'''Jeremy:''' No, sir. I-
:'''Mr. Delmas:''' As I'm sure you can imagine. Their parents are worried sick!
:'''Jeremy:''' But I told you, I don’t know where they are.
:'''Mr. Delmas:''' (''frustrated sigh'')
:'''Mr. Delmas:''' Think about it, please. The smallest clue could prove you to be a great help. You four are always together.
:'''Jeremy:''' Alright, sir. I’ll think about it but I need to be alone.
:'''Mr. Delmas:''' You have an awful lot of nerve, young man. However, if it's the only way to bring you to your senses, I'll give you three minutes.
:'''Jeremy''': Thank you, sir.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' Come to the factory.
:'''Jeremy:''' Impossible. I'm stuck in the Principal's office.
:'''Aelita:''' You are? Don't worry. I'll get you out of it. Yes, Jeremy, just like X.A.N.A. I can operate on the world's network as well. Listen closely now.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''X.A.N.A.''' (''in Jeremy's form'')''':''' I've got you. We got a visitor, Jim.
&lt;hr width70%/&gt;
:'(''Being chased by X.A.N.A.'s creepy version of Jim'')
: '''Jeremy:''' For a program, you're a pretty good imitation.
&lt;hr width=70%/&gt;
: '''X.A.N.A.:''' Soon I won't have anymore obstacles.
&lt;hr width70%/&gt;
: '''Jeremy:''' Yumi, you're right! It's a trap! Don't go!!
: '''X.A.N.A. Jeremy:''' X.A.N.A. is that the best you can do? A cheep imitation to delay us?
: '''Jeremy:''' He's the one who's lying! He's the phony- it's him! Everything here is phony. You never came back from your last trip. You're in a virtual world created by X.A.N.A.
: '''Yumi:''' That would explain all the inconsistencies. 
: '''Jeremy:''' Of course it would. X.A.N.A. can make mistakes, too. He only has theoretical knowledge of the real world. What he wants is to get you all in the scanner to get rid of you once and for all!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''X.A.N.A.:''' ''You are going to die!!''
: '''Jeremy:''' AELITA!! 
:'''Aelita:''' Huh?
:(''Uses her [[w:superpower (ability)|special power]] of creativity to destroy the simulation bubble'')
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Ulrich:''' Aelita, what happened to us?
: '''Aelita:''' X.A.N.A. created a replica of where you live, so you'd think it was reality.
: '''Yumi:''' He locked us up in a virtual prison?
: '''Aelita:''' But Jeremy and I did all we could to set you free.
: '''Odd:''' What? Jeremy came to Lyoko? 
:'''Aelita:''' &quot;Hmm.&quot; 
:'''Odd:''' Nice one, Einstein.
: '''Jeremy:''' Thanks, Odd.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===Code: Earth===
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' Well, tell me what the good news is.
:'''Jeremy:''' Aelita, I don't know how to tell you, but we're waiting for you here.
:'''Aelita:''' Really?
:'''Odd and Yumi:''' Really!
:'''Aelita:''' The materialization's gonna work?
:'''Jeremy:''' Yup! It's all in here. And I gotta tell you, it was really difficult finding the figures for the right-
:'''Odd:''' Hold up, Einstein.
:'''Jeremy:''' To make a long story shot: It Works.
:'''Aelita:''' Oh, Jeremy, it's fantastic! I can't believe it's true!
:'''Jeremy:''' Hold on. It's not that simple. First, Aelita has to get the way tower in Lyoko's forest region. That's were she gonna get devirtualizd before she appears in flesh and blood inside one of the scanners.
:'''Aelita:''' I'll see you later, my friends.
:'''Jeremy:''' We'll be five for dinner tonight.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jim''': What’s wrong? Up to no good again, aren’t you?
:'''Odd''': No, we were just studying together!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jim Morales''' (to the principal): Ah, I’m glad you’re here, sir! I don’t know what’s going on, but these little devils are up to no good and I intend to find out what it is!
:'''Principal''': Yes, Jim, another one of your absurd stories about secret plots and passages?
:'''Jim Morales''': What do you mean ‘absurd’?
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Principal''': Your paranoid behaviour and your one-track mind concerning these children are getting on my nerves! You’re a physical education teacher not a detective, Jim!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ms Hertz''': Obviously, this phenomenon depends on certain factors. Who can tell us which ones? Jeremy? Go ahead, we’re listening.
:'''Jeremy''': Uh…the…the frog!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Odd’s clip''': Break! Break dance! Break! Break! Break dance! Break! Break! Break dance! Here we goooo-oooo-oo! Break! Break! Break dance! Break! Break! Break dance! Break! Break! Break dance! Here we goooo-ooo!
:'''Jeremy''': Oh no…what have I done?!
:'''Yumi''': Problem, Jeremy?
:'''Jeremy''': I inserted the wrong CD! I have Odd’s dumb videos instead of the program… STOP!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ulrich:''' You made a video?
:'''Odd:''' Yeah. It's pretty cool, too.
:'''Ulrich:''' What's the title?
:'''Odd:''' ''Break Break Break Dance.''
:'''Yumi''': Ok, that’s enough fooling around. We’ve got some cleaning up to do!
:'''Odd and Ulrich''': SIR, yes, sir!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yolanda''': You’ll have to wait a week before putting that foot on the ground!
:'''Jeremy''': A week?!
:'''Yolanda''': And if you complain, I won’t give you crutches to get around with!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Principal''' Don't say, I didn't warn you. This time your parranoia has caused an accident.
:'''Jim Morales''' I'm sorry, sir, I really am.
:'''Principal''' So am I, Jim, i'm going to have to let you go.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy''': Can I go to the bathroom?
:'''Yolanda''': Sorry, the doctor insists you stay off your feet. I’ll go and get you a basin.
&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Jeremy''': Stop! In front of you!
:'''Jim Morales''': Haha, yeah! I was right! I was right! Eh? I was right, I was right!
&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Jim Morales''': And she’s on this place called uh, Loko?
:'''Jeremy''': No, it’s Lyoko.
&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Ulrich''' (to a Megatank): Hey, you piece of junk! Nobody messes with my friends! Triangulate!
:'''Jim Morales''': Go on Ulrich, get ‘im! Show this XANA thing who’s the boss!
&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Yumi''': Jim?
:'''Jeremy''': Yeah, Jim! Don’t worry, he’s one of the gang now!
&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' Well, ready to take the big jump?
:'''Aelita:''' Ready.
:'''Jeremy:''' ''Code: Earth''.
&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Jeremy''': She’s here at last! (to Aelita) Welcome to Earth!

===False Start===
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;Oh no! It's what I was afraid of.&quot;
:'''Aelita:''' It looks like X.A.N.A. infected me with a virus.
:'''Jeremy:''' That's it! He must have done it during the transfer! There was a drop in the voltage for a very short time!
:'''Aelita:''' I remember that, 'cause at that exact moment, I felt X.A.N.A.'s presence as if he were trying to hold me back.
:'''Jeremy:''' And that's probably why you fainted earlier! X.A.N.A. put a virus in you because he wanted you to linked to him! And if we destroy X.A.N.A.-
:'''Aelita:''' Then I get destroyed as well.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:(''In the Ice Region'')
:'''Aelita:''' It feels strange being virtualized.
:'''Odd:''' Yeah, but you get used to it.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Ulrich:''' &quot;You can do better than that.&quot;
:'''Yumi:''' &quot;Sorry.&quot;
:'''Ulrich:''' &quot;That's more like it.&quot;
:'''Yumi:''' &quot;It's all in the wrist. I'm a great Frisbee player.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' Aelita, we're restarting the materialization program immediately.
:'''Aelita:''' It's impossible, Jeremy. The virus is still inside me! I can feel it!
:'''Jeremy:''' Maybe you can be treated here on Earth.

==Season Two (Episodes 27-52)==
===New Order===
*The four Lyoko warriors each receive a midair vehicle of their own, which Jeremy had designed off-screen. In addition, Yumi has received a second [[w:Tessen Fan|Tessen Fan]]; Odd a circular purple-colored energy shield in place of &quot;[[w:premonition|future flash]]&quot; ability.
*Aelita says &quot;Tower, deactivated&quot; from now on.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Odd:''' You're a genius, Jeremy. X.A.N.A. better behave himself now that we got these things.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Jeremy:''' Odd, I haven't been to perfect the program that calculates trajectory. 
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Jeremy:''' If X.A.N.A.'s gonna start programming new monsters, it means our troubles, guys, have only just begun.
: '''Ulrich:''' You think he's still evolving?
: '''Odd:''' One thing's for sure. You gonna have to program our vehicles faster, otherwise we don't a chance against those tarantulas.
: '''Yumi:''' You're aunt what?
: '''Odd:''' Tarantulas. I like to give my enemies a name.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy''': Eh, there aren't any monsters in these woods. That only happens in fairy tales or in silly horror pictures, the kind that Odd likes.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Ulrich:''' Odd, go to the factory with Aelita! Deactivate the tower! It's our only hope.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Jeremy:''' Aelita, the Overwing is for you.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;

===Uncharted Territory===
*The Lyoko Warriors discover the hidden fifth region of Lyoko: Carthage, which they call Sector 5.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ulrich:''' And you think it has something to do with Lyoko?
:'''Odd:''' Ulrich, there's a underground passage in the sewers from his yard, believe it or not. So the guy must have had something to do with the supercomputer.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ulrich:''' Well?
:'''Jeremy:''' I compared the signature of the archive to the deed I found on the internet. They're the same.
:'''Ulrich:''' What if we look around the Hermitage to find out more about this teacher?
:'''Jeremy:''' Good idea.
:'''Odd:''' But aren't we supposed to meet Aelita first?
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Jeremy:''' Aelita's not in this sector anymore! She's not in any sector, really.
: '''Ulrich:''' Wait. Can you explain that a little more?
: '''Jeremy:''' Let's just say she's in sector that doesn't exist. A fifth sector.
: '''Odd:''' A fifth sector? Have you gone bananas or what?
: '''Jeremy:''' No. If I could just fix this thing! &quot;Welcome to Carthage&quot;?
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Ulrich:''' What's that blue ball?
: '''Jeremy:''' I think the code word ''Scipio'' made it appear.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Ulrich:''' How did you do that, Jeremy?
: '''Jeremy:''' Let's just say I got a little help from Franz Hopper. Welcome to Sector Five. everyone.
: '''Yumi:''' What does it look like?
: '''Jeremy:''' A sphere, but...Whoa! It's probably bad news.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Ulrich:''' Jeremy, there's this...thing in here.
: '''Jeremy:''' Destroy it! That thing's taking away Aelita's memory!!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Odd:''' You should have seen it, Jeremy. There were all these creepy crawlies and in the middle, this huge jellyfish holding Aelita.
: '''Aelita:''' Can you believe it? That thing was stealing my memory!
: '''Jeremy:''' One thing's for sure. X.A.N.A. wants something out of you, but what?
: '''Ulrich:''' I can't wait to go back to the fifth sector. There's so much to explore there.
: '''Yumi:''' I'll go with you. It'll be totally awesome.
: '''Jeremy:''' Whoa! Hold on. I have to study it first. For now, it's uncharted territory. 
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Aelita:''' Uh, you're not angry at me for going back to Lyoko by myself. I...I don't know what got into me.
: '''Jeremy:''' It's all right, Aelita. We understand. And we're not angry at all. I promise to spend more time with you.

===Exploration===
:'''Aelita:''' Hey, why don't we explore the new, mysterious sector we discovered?
:'''Jeremy:''' Sector Five? But we don't know what's in it.
:'''Odd:''' Sure we do. There are monsters, ultra dangerous traps and a Scyphoza, as you call it, that wants to steal Aelita's memory.
:'''Aelita:''' True. But what if there's something else there, like information about X.A.N.A.? We have to go back.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:’’’Ikiko:’’’ (to Yumi) You’re lying to us, what’s the matter with you?
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Odd:''' Just tell 'em that we're in a virtual world fighting against a demonic [[w:artificial intelligence|artificial intelligence]]. That ought to reassure them.
:'''Yumi:''' Dork.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yumi:''' Look, there's an interface.
:'''Aelita:''' It's...it's incredible.
:'''Jeremy:''' What!?
:'''Aelita:''' Sector Five gives access to X.A.N.A.'s own data!
:'''Jeremy:''' Really?
:'''Aelita:''' Sector 5 is where X.A.N.A. lives! It's giving me access to all kinds of data! It's crazy!
:'''Jeremy:''' Try to find the materialization code, so we can bring back Odd and Ulrich.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yumi:''' Jeremy, how are things going?
:'''Jeremy:''' Badly! Head for the factory!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===A Great Day===
:'''Jeremie''': It's gonna be a great day! They said so on the radio.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Jeremy:''' I can't believe it! Aelita is still on Lyoko!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Jeremy:''' Sissi, you're not yourself. X.A.N.A. has possessed you. You must not obey him.
: '''X.A.N.A.''' (in Sissi's body)''':''' I've never felt so good.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''X.A.N.A.''' (''in Sissi's body'')''':''' Perfect. They'll never think of looking for him here.
:'''Herb:''' But, Sissi, what's going on?
:'''X.A.N.A.:''' You, be quiet!
:(''Odd and Ulrich arrive through the door'')
:'''Jeremy:''' Ulrich, Odd, look out! Sissi is possessed by X.A.N.A.!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Odd:''' How did X.A.N.A. learn to possess people?
: '''Jeremy:''' It looks like he's increased his powers.
: '''Odd:''' Theory in, Einstein. But how?
: '''Jeremy:''' With the jumps back in time. The Supercomputer is a quantum computer the uses the properties of qubites. Every time you add a qubite, its power theoretically doubles.
: '''Odd:''' Jeremy, do you mind saying that in English?
: '''Jeremy:''' Well, the supercomputer is so powerful that it can undoubtedly do it. 
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Jeremy:''' Anyway, we now know that X.A.N.A. can control people.
: '''Aelita:''' We also know that going back in time increases his power.
: '''Ulrich:''' We gotta be more careful. The next round is gonna be tougher than ever.

===Mister Puck===
*Yumi utilizes her telekinetic abilities to control the direction and perfect the aim of her [[w:Tessen Fan|Tessen fan]] for the first time.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''X.A.N.A. Jeremy:''' Materialization, Yumi.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Odd:''' It's not nice to devirtualize your best friends.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Jeremy:''' Strange. I remember talking to Odd and Ulrich and then after that, nothing. Just a black hole.
: '''Aelita:''' X.A.N.A. took control of you.
: '''Ulrich:''' He destroyed all of Franz Hopper's CD's. Apparently, he had a problem with his notes.
:'''Jeremy:''' Whew.
:'''Odd:''' What do you mean, &quot;Whew&quot;? It's a disaster.
:'''Jeremy:''' no it isn't. Last night when I came back from the train station, I snuck in here, and I copied the CDs on a restricted access part of the supercomputer. I'm the only one who can access them.
:'''Aelita:''' You're a genius, Jeremy.
:'''Ulrich:''' There's something I don't get. why couldn't X.A.N.A.'s ghosts take control of Odd and me but have no trouble controlling Jeremy?
:'''Jeremy:''' No idea.
:'''Yumi:''' I might have a solution. Apart from you, we're all used to fighting on Lyoko. Maybe that gives us more resistance to X.A.N.A.
:'''Jeremy:''' Maybe, but how can we protect me?
:'''Odd:''' I just might have the solution.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===Saint Valentine's Day===
:''[Responding to what rhymes with 'tulip'.]''
:'''Jeremie''': I don't know. ''Microchip''? ''Paperclip''? ''Hypocrite''?
:'''Ulrich:''' It's...biology homework. 
:'''Jeremie''': Biology homework that ''rhymes'', huh?
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:''[A poem written to Sissi]''
:'''Ulrich''': &quot;To tell you how much I flip if not with a tulip. How I'm a victim of your charms and long to hold you in my arms. With you I never f-feel gloomy my little, uh... Sissi.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yumi:''' One down. That's one fan down as well.
:(''Uses her telekinesis to control the flight direction of her Tessen'')
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yumi:''' Aelita, you must stop obeying X.A.N.A.
:'''Aelita:''' Leave me alone.
:(''Uses her creativity to create a crevice in the ice under Yumi's feet'')
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ulrich:''' Jeremy, we're not gonna make it.
:'''Yumi:''' You gotta think of something.
:'''Jeremy:''' I do have one idea but it's awfully risky.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' Odd, aim for Aelita.
:'''Odd:''' What are you crazy?
:'''Ulrich:''' Don't forget that if Aelita loses all of her life points, she'll disappear forever!
:'''Jeremy:''' X.A.N.A. wants her memory. He won't risk losing that. Deep down he wants her alive as much as we do.
:'''Yumi:''' Are you sure?
:'''Jeremy:''' No, but I can't think of anything else.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===Final Mix===
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremie''': Kiwi, ''help''! Good doggie. Chew through the ropes!  Kiwi, no! Come baaaack! That mutt is as brainless as his owner.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ulrich:''' Jeremy, what level is Aelita's memory at!?
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ulrich''' (''to the Scypazoa'')''':''' Drop her, fish face!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===Marabounta===
:'''Odd:''' I never thought I'd say this, but I feel a bit sorry for X.A.N.A.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Odd:''' That crab just sacrificed itself for you. I don't get it.
: '''Jeremy:''' Oh! I do. X.A.N.A. knows he can't let Aelita die. He needs her memory. Use them as allies to defeat the Marabounta.
: '''Aelita:''' They're protecting me.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Jeremy:''' If this continues, all of Lyoko will be destroyed!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremie''': I'm really the biggest loser to ever walk the face of the Earth!
: '''Aelita:''' You couldn't have known that my virus would be a problem.
: '''Jeremy:''' A virus! Why, yes. That ought to work.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' Look
:(''The Bloks and Crabs bow to the Lyoko Warriors'')
:'''Ulrich:''' Don't buy it, Aelita.
:'''Jeremy:''' He's right. The Marabounta is gone but X.A.N.A. is still our worst enemy.

===Missing Link===
:'''Jeremy:''' Why would it go after you? We're aboard the mission. 
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' In my opinion, when the Scyphoza attacked you, it gave you some kind of bug, Yumi.
:'''Yumi:''' Could it have stolen some of my memory?
:'''Aelita:''' That's strange. It's my memory that X.A.N.A. seems to be after.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ulrich:''' that's not a good thing?
:'''Jeremy:''' No! Aelita doesn't know that when she transfers the code, her memory will be exposed!
:'''Ulrich:''' What? Are you saying X.A.N.A. will be able to steal it at will?
:'''Jeremy:''' Exactly! I'm pretty sure that's why the Scypoza attacked Yumi.
:'''Ulrich:''' So, warn Aelita, tell her to stop.
:'''Jeremy:''' I can't. She's cut off all communication with the tower. So you two have to get to Lyoko, fast!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Ulrich:''' Anyway, we still don't know how to save Yumi.
: '''Jeremy:''' Don't bet on it! I just a great idea. X.A.N.A. has stolen Yumi's DNA sequence code. So it must be in his memory. And how do we get access to X.A.N.A.'s memory?
: '''Lyoko Warriors:''' Sector Five.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Jeremy:''' Uh, Yumi, just so you know: Without your DNA sequence code, you're just as vulnerable as Aelita. If you get hit, you'll disappear forever.
: '''Yumi:''' Great.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===Temptation===
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
*Yumi Ishiyama uses her only superpower of [[w:Telekinesis|telekinesis]] for a third time in Season Two
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Yumi:''' &quot;I have a little idea.&quot;
: '''Aelita:''' &quot;Little or big, it doesn't matter as long as it works.&quot;
:(''Yumi uses her telekinesis to hurl a huge boulder at two Megatanks'')
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ulrich:''' &quot;It's all right. The tower's deactivated.&quot;
:'''Yumi:''' &quot;Great. Now we can drown in peace.&quot;
&lt;hr width70%&gt;

===Common Interest===
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Odd:''' That's it? Then we just have to change the battery.
:'''Jeremie''': A supercomputer is not the same as a ''Game Boy'', Odd. You can't just pick up a bar of uranium at the corner store.
:'''Ulrich:''' But isn't there some kind of emergency backup battery?
:'''Jeremy:''' No. I checked.
:'''Yumi:''' X.A.N.A. is dying.
:'''Jeremy:''' And so is Aelita. And all on account of that miserable virus.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ulrich''': Here I am! You didn't think we'd let you have all the fun with Peter Duncan, did you?
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' Tell me you're there!
:'''Odd:''' You're there.
:'''Yumi:''' We're in the scanner room.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===A Bad Turn===
*Yumi's parents, Takoeo and Ahio Ishiyama, and younger brother Hiroki make another appearance since &quot;A False Start.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;They're not the first guys who fought over a girl.&quot;
:'''Aelita:''' &quot;What about you? Would you be prepared to fight for me, Jeremy?&quot;
:'''Jeremie:''' &quot;I fight for you every day, Aelita. Against X.A.N.A.&quot;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;That is beautiful.&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;Speak of the devil. I got an activated tower.&quot;
:'''Yumi:''' &quot;Let's head for the factory.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yumi:''' &quot;X.A.N.A. has sent another krab. It's at my house! My parents are in danger.&quot;
:'''Aelita:''' &quot;Go. Odd and I will manage on Lyoko.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;Uh oh. We have another problem.&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;What kind?&quot;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;It's a big banquet. X.A.N.A. has sent us a whole seafood platter.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;You were great, William, but you won't remember any of it.&quot;
:'''William:''' &quot;Huh? Hey.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===The Chips Are Down===
*Yumi's parents, Takeo and Ahio Ishiyama, make another appearance.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ulrich:''' &quot;Say that again?&quot;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;Yumi's father lost job. They're thinking of going back to Japan, so he can find work.&quot;
:'''Ulrich:''' &quot;''What?&quot;''
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;It's not for sure yet.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Nicolas:''' &quot;At your orders, X.A.N.A.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Nicolas:''' &quot;Now your wounds will become fatal.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Ulrich:''' &quot;Aelita, Yumi, Odd are you alright?&quot;
: '''Odd:''' Yeah. But not in great shape.&quot;
: '''Ulrich:''' &quot;I don't get it. There's nothing on the screens.&quot;
: '''Yumi:''' &quot;That must be why the fire from X.A.N.A.'s monsters hurt us for real.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===Attack of the Zombies===
*Yumi utilizes her only special ability of [[w:Telekinesis|Telekinesis]] to levitate Aelita.
*Aelita uses her rare psionic ability of &quot;second sight&quot; to see through X.A.N.A.'s illusion.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;But now X.A.N.A. doesn't need me anymore. If I get zombified I won't be able to launch the return in time.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Aelita:''' &quot;It's one of X.A.N.A.'s tricks.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===Ultimatum===
:'''Nicolas:''' &quot;Delmas has just kidnapped Ishiyama and Della Robbia.&quot;
:'''Jeremy''' (''quietly'')''':''' &quot;X.A.N.A.&quot;
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' A message from X.A.N.A. 
:&quot;Aelita, at two o'clock in the Ice Sector to give herself up to the Scyphzoa. If not, Odd and Yumi will liquidated.&quot;
:'''Ulrich:''' No time to lose. Let's head to the factory.&quot;
:'''Music Teacher:''' &quot;Everyone in your seats now.&quot;
:'''Ulrich:''' How do people except us to save the world if they don't leave us alone?&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;Hey, X.A.N.A. Apparently you plan on keeping us alive or you would have already blown us away. Just so you know, cold can kill us, too. So if I were you, I'd do something about it.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' &quot;You said that bomb fired anything electronic. So that would mean cellphones, too, right?&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;I hadn't thought of that.&quot;
:'''Sissi:''' &quot;Can we find out if it worked? My father might be dead right now.&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;Or in really great shape: Giving Odd and Yumi a piece of his mind.&quot;
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Sissi:''' &quot;I took penkat silete classes to impress Ulrich, but it didn't work. By the way, why did yu ask me to do that?&quot;
:'''Aelita:''' &quot;I have to help Ulrich, Odd and Yumi. Only I can deactivate the tower. And Jeremy would have never let me go alone.&quot;
&lt;hr width70%&gt;

===Vertigo===
:'''Ulrich:''' &quot;It's a decoy! They're- They're just ''images.''&quot;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;That X.A.N.A. is slyer than I thought.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;Yumi, the anti virus I injected into Aelita has modified her virtual signature. The tower doesn't recognize her any longer.&quot;
:'''Yumi:''' &quot;You mean she can't deactivate them anymore?&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' Exactly, that is until I find a way to extract that dumb bugged virus.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===Deja Vu===
*[[w:List of Code Lyoko characters|Waldo Franz Shaceffer]] appears as cameos, only in visions seen by Aelita.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Aelita:''' &quot;I'm sorry, Jeremy. But I need answers. I have to know where these visions are coming from.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Jeremy:''' &quot;Aelita! We're not getting any data! You have to deactivate the tower!&quot;
: '''Ulrich:''' &quot;Aelita!&quot;
: '''Aelita:''' This will only take a few seconds.&quot;
: '''Jeremy:''' It's one of X.A.N.A.'s traps, Aelita! He created these visions to lure you over to Sector 5! Give me the controls!! Did you hear me!? ''Aelita!?'' Ulrich, Yumi drag her out of there by force!!
: '''Yumi:''' What do you want us to do? Knock her out?
: '''Aelita:''' It won't be necessary. I'm sure I'll find what I'm looking for.
: '''Jeremy:''' Aelita, even if you do find the source of these visions, what's the point if X.A.N.A. takes your memory away from you?
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' &quot;It's really strange. It's as if I was actually reliving the events I was seeing.&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;That, however, cannot be the case.&quot;
:'''Aelita:''' &quot;Yeah, I know.&quot;

===Cold War===
: '''Aelita:''' They're not hornets! They're flying mantas!
: '''Jeremy:''' Huh? But they never leave Sector 5.
: '''Aelita:''' We have to face facts! X.A.N.A. is getting more and more powerful.
&lt;hr width=70%/&gt;
: '''Ulrich:''' Hang on. I'm sure Odd's already on Lyoko.

===X.A.N.A's Kiss===
:'''Jeremie''': Great! I gotta go and get Aelita! I promised I'd give her my croissants.. She likes croissants with her hot chocolate.
&lt;hr width=70%/&gt;
: '''Jeremy:''' I can explain everything. All this kissing is another one of X.A.N.A.'s schemes.
: '''Odd:''' That doesn't make any sense. He can't control us.
: '''Jeremy:''' I know. But I also know I did not kiss Heidi. So there must be a Jeremy clone somewhere.
: '''Yumi:''' And a Yumi clone.
: '''Ulrich:''' And an Ulrich clone also.
: '''Jeremy:''' That's right. And I bet they're all just one polymorphic clone.
: '''Odd:''' A poly what?
: '''Jeremy:''' A polymorphic clone. It can change its appearance at will. X.A.N.A. must have sent some kind of ghost that can look like anyone it wants to.
: '''Ulrich:''' But why?
: '''Yumi:''' To make trouble in our group, to divide and conquer.
: '''Ulrich:''' X.A.N.A.'s really smart. Not like us.
&lt;hr width=70%/&gt;
: '''Odd:''' Hey, X.A.N.A. if you gonna keep changing appearances like that, do me a favor and turn into a wimp next time. (''Turns into Odd himself'') Oh no, not him. I know his style- Small but tough as nails.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
: '''Odd:''' Okay, poly whatever! I'm gonna transform you now!
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''X.A.N.A Yumi:''' &quot;Devirtualization.&quot;
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Yumi:''' &quot;How did you guess that I was the real Yumi?&quot;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;Because you called me 'pea-brain.' X.A.N.A would never call me that. He's got too much respect for me.&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;Oh no. X.A.N.A just doesn't know you as well as Yumi does.&quot;

===A Fine Mess===
: '''Jeremy:''' Odd and Yumi have been rematerialized in bodies that are not their own and so they aren't stable. If we don't do something fast, their atoms might split.
: '''Odd:''' What do you mean our atoms might split?
: '''Jeremy:''' Complete disintegration.
&lt;hr width=70%/&gt;
: '''Yumi:''' And now let's hear it for Cat Woman. 
&lt;hr width=70%/&gt;
: '''Yumi:''' Odd, how do the arrows work?
: '''Odd:''' You concentrate, imagine your firing and bingo, it fires.
&lt;hr width=70%/&gt;
: '''Ulrich:''' And seeing how you handle those arrows, you might accidentally kill Odd before then.

===Tip Top Shape===
: '''Jeremy:''' You don't understand, Aelita. you don't have a health record. You've never even been vaccinated. What if the nurse finds out that you're not really human?
: '''Aelita:''' You mean you don't find me very human?
: '''Jeremy:''' Of course I do. That wasn't what I meant.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Ulrich:''' Yolanda has been possessed by X.A.N.A.
: '''Jeremy:''' She'll probably go to the factory to transfer Aelita to Lyoko and then deliver her to the Scypozoa. 
: '''Ulrich:''' I'll try and stop her.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Jeremy:''' Well, we could fight with Yolanda on equal terms.
: '''Yumi:''' Say what?
: '''Jeremy:''' I've been studying X.A.N.A.'s specters for awhile now. I think I can manage to pixelize you.
: '''Yumi:''' You mean you're gonna turn us into people like those possessed by X.A.N.A.?
: '''Odd:''' Instead of being X.A.N.A.fied, we're gonna be Jeremified. 
: '''Jeremy:''' 
: '''Odd:''' In English?
: '''Jeremy:''' I send out a specter and you'll become invincible.
: '''Odd:''' I'll do it.
: '''Yumi:''' Are you sure?
: '''Odd:''' I got a little score to settle with Yolanda Paradin. 
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
: '''Yumi:''' How do you feel?
: '''Odd:''' Fully charged.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Ulrich:''' Here I am. Am am dreaming or has Odd turned into a superhero?
: '''Yumi:''' Jeremy's managed to Jeremify him.
: '''Jeremy:''' Yeah. But I don't how long he can last against Yolanda, so we have to deactivate the tower that's controlling her.

===Is Anybody Out There?===
*Aelita uses her &quot;creativity&quot; power in the Carthage region (Sector 5) for the first and last time, as does Yumi with her [[w:Telekinesis|telekinesis]]
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
: '''Aelita:''' &quot;Wait. &quot;
:(''Uses her creativity to make a medium-sized platform'')
: '''Yumi:''' &quot;Okay. I get it.&quot; 
:(''Uses her telekinesis to carry them both on the platform across the corridor'')
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Ulrich:''' &quot;Do you believe in ghosts?&quot;
:'''Yumi:''' &quot;No.&quot;
:'''Ulrich:''' Wrong answer.&quot;
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;Yumi.&quot;
:'''Yumi:''' &quot;Aelita's all alone in the area. Hurry up.&quot;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;Hmm.&quot;
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
: '''Odd:''' Aelita, I spotted the activated tower in the north corner of the Ice Sector.
: '''Aelita:''' What about Jeremy and Ulrich.
: '''Odd:''' Not sure. I'll go look for them.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;Ulrich, Jeremy, you all right? Say something.&quot;
:'''Ulrich:''' &quot;Something.&quot;

===Franz Hopper===
*Ulrich, Odd, and Yumi have their weaponry temporarily upgraded and modified for the first and last time''':'''
**Ulrich's katana was capable of charging up and generating a white energy wave that could destroy two monsters from a distance. 
**Odd's laser arrows could automatically lock onto and home in on monsters; one arrow could destroy four at once. 
**Yumi's Tessen fans could lock onto and hone in on monsters. They were even attracted to lasers, which made them more effective shields.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Franz Hopper:''' That X.A.N.A. Locks the door but leaves the window wide open.
: '''Aelita:''' But...who are you?
: '''Franz Hopper:''' What? Haven't you understood, yet? I'm Franz Hopper. I'm the one who created Lyoko, and X.A.N.A. too. But then I lot control of it. In the very beginning, it was program that I designed to counter a military project based on a multi-agent system.
: '''Aelita:''' What about me?
: '''Franz Hopper:''' I created you to be the guardian of Lyoko. But I never thought I'd see in flesh and blood.
: '''Ulrich:''' But then where have you been these last few years?
: '''Hopper:''' Well, let's just say I was a kind of prisoner who finally damaged to escape.
&lt;hr width=70%/&gt;
: '''Jeremy:''' It's not fair! Everyone blames me for everything! And after all that, we all turned the supercomputer back on together!
: '''Hopper:''' True. But you're the one who played the sorcerer's apprentice. You're the one who put your friends' lives at risk. And you're the one who let X.A.N.A. destroy my diary.
&lt;hr width=70%/&gt;
: '''Hopper:''' No problem. I programmed you some new weapons.
: '''Odd:''' Uh, I don't see what's new about this. (''Fires a laser arrow that automatically locks onto and homes in on four creepers, destroying them all in one shot'') Woo hoo! Moving darts.
&lt;hr width=70%/&gt;
:(''Finds herself in the Desert Sector'')
: '''Aelita:''' Yumi? Ulrich? Odd? Franz, I'm not in Sector 5. What's going on?
: '''Hopper:''' Everything's under control. Jeremy, what are you doing here?
: '''Jeremy:''' I just came to see how you were managing...''X.A.N.A.''
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''X.A.N.A. Franz:''' Well, it seems your friends are in a little trouble. I fixed things so they can never re-materialize. No more life points. And it's bye-bye.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;

===Contact===
: '''Ulrich:''' A message in code? Written by Sissi?
: '''Jeremy:''' Uh huh. I ran the supercomputer all night to translate it. And look at what it turned up.
: '''Yumi:''' &quot;I can help you&quot;?
: '''Ulrich:''' It has to be a trap by X.A.N.A. He must have managed somehow to possess Sissi without activating a tower.
: '''Aelita:''' I don't think so. Otherwise, Sissi would have gone after me. She would've tried get me onto Lyoko, so that the Scyphoza could steal my memory.
: '''Jeremy:''' Aelita's right. If you ask me, someone or something wants to contact us through Sissi but it's not X.A.N.A.
: '''Odd:''' Well, then who is it?
: '''Jeremy:''' No idea. To find that out, we'll have to talk to Sissi again.
: '''Yumi:''' OK. I'll bring her over.
: '''Ulrich:''' I better take a look around Lyoko. I still want to make sure X.A.N.A isn't setting a sort of trap.
: '''Aelita:''' I'll go with you.
: '''Jeremy:''' With the Scyphoza around? No way! It's too dangerous.
: '''Aelita:''' Jeremy, stop worrying about me.
&lt;hr width=70%/&gt;
: '''Yumi:''' Are you thinking what I think you're thinking?
: '''Odd:''' Yeah. Good thinking.
&lt;hr width=70%/&gt;
: '''Jeremy:''' How's it going over there?
: '''Ulrich:''' To tell you the truth, I have no idea. Has the super-scan detected an activated tower?
: '''Jeremy:''' No. Still nothing. Why?
: '''Aelita:''' Hang on. I'll send you a visual. 
: '''Jeremy:''' What the heck is this white tower supposed to mean?
: '''Ulrich:''' I was about to ask you the same thing. Do you think this tower has something to do with Sissi or with the being who's trying to contact us?
: '''Jeremy:''' I don't know.
&lt;hr width=70%/&gt;
: '''Aelita:''' Jeremy, it wasn't us they were after.
: '''Ulrich:''' They're trying to destroy the white tower.
&lt;hr width=70%/&gt;
: '''Jeremy:''' Activated tower in the Ice Sector.
: '''Ulrich:''' What should I do with Aelita? Protect this tower or deactivate the other one? Jeremy,what do we do?
: '''Jeremy:''' Uh...protect the white tower. No! Aelita, don't do it!
: '''Ulrich:''' Aelita?
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ulrich:''' &quot;Odd just asked Sissi a role in his next film.&quot;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;It's the story of a girl, driven by a mysterious being who tries to make contact with humans; all of which takes place in a virtual universe full of danger.&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;What did she say?&quot;
:'''Aelita:''' &quot;That no one would ever believe such a ridiculous story.&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;You don't say.&quot;

===Revelation===
*The quintet discover that Aelita is the only daughter of Franz Hopper himself and is, in fact,truly human. 
&lt;hr width50%&gt;
: '''Aelita:''' The problem is I'm gonna need a supercomputer to process such a large amount of data. I'll to activate a tower or two.
: '''Yumi:''' Uh, that didn't go very well last time. X.A.N.A. hates it when we play with his toys.
: '''Jeremy:''' I know. But we don't have a choice.
&lt;hr width50%&gt;
: '''Ulrich:''' You're wasting your time X.A.N.A. Odd has never beaten me yet. (''polymoprhs into a dark version of Ulrich''). Uh, yeah. Well, that changes things.
&lt;hr width=70%/&gt;
: '''Jeremy:''' Bad news. If X.A.N.A. manages to gain control of the tower now, he'll be able to get into the restricted access part of the supercomputer! I could lose all the data in Franz Hopper's diary!
: '''Aelita:''' Not to mention everything you programmed in yourself- our combat gear, the vehicles, the transfer codes, and my materialization program.
: '''Jeremy:''' This is a nightmare. ''Ulrich!'' X.A.N.A.'s about the gain control of the tower! You have to stop it!
&lt;hr width=70%/&gt;
: '''Jeremy:''' X.A.N.A. is about to steal all my data!! We're done for!!
: '''Aelita:''' Hey. I don't get it. It looks like X.A.N.A has lost control of the tower.
: '''Jeremy:''' Franz Hopper! Franz Hopper's helping us. What's going on your side?
: '''Aelita:''' The decoding program is going full speed.
&lt;hr width=70%/&gt;
: '''Jeremy:''' Franz Hopper was the creator of X.A.N.A. In his diary, he wrote down everything that happened during the creation of Lyoko. Everything.
: '''Aelita:''' That's means you'll be able to find the anti-virus.
: '''Jeremy:''' Yes...it does. But there's something more.
: '''Ulrich:''' Well, go on. Tell us.
: '''Jeremy:''' Well, before Franz Hopper virtualized himself on Lyoko, and before being taken prisoner by X.A.N.A., he lived here on Earth.
: '''Yumi:''' We already knew that.
: '''Jeremy:''' Yes. But what we didn't know was that he had a child, a little girl.
: '''Odd:''' Really? What became of her?
: '''Jeremy:''' He virtualized her on Lyoko at the same time as himself.
: '''Yumi:''' And? Did she fall victim to X.A.N.A. too?
: '''Jeremy:''' No. She stayed on Lyoko.
: '''Aelita:''' But that's impossible! If Hopper's daughter were on Lyoko, I would have definitely known that!! I'm not...?

===The Key===
*Aelita is revealed to have had a mother named Anthea, from whom she inherited her bright pink hair. The memories of her forgotten human life on Earth are fully restored by her father's sacrifice.
*X.A.N.A. succeeds in stealing the Keys of Lyoko, and escapes the quantum supercomputer and seeks refuge in across the worldwide web.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Jeremy:''' This is it.
: '''Franz Hopper:''' The scanners of the virtualization program are ready. In a few hours, I will go Lyoko with Aelita. Just like me, Aelita will hold the keys to Lyoko. Together, we will be the absolute masters. We will live together...forever.
: '''Jeremy:''' The Keys to Lyoko. That's what X.A.N.A. wants from Aelita's memory.
: '''Ulrich:''' But what could X.A.N.A. do with them?
: '''Aelita:''' Escape from the supercomputer and take over the world.
&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:(''Aelita starts regaining some memories of her childhood on Earth'')
: '''Young Aelita:''' Did you see, Mommy?
: '''Anthea:''' Don't go too far, sweetheart.
: '''Young Aelita:''' He' so cute. What should I call him?
: '''Franz:''' What about Mister Puck? It's the name of an elf.
: '''Anthea:''' Do you like it?
: '''Young Aelita:''' Oh, thank you, Mommy.
: '''Franz:''' It's like math. Let me show you. 
(''Her mother,Anthea, mysterious disappears'')
: '''Young Aelita:''' Mommy?
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Young Aelita:''' Daddy. I'm going up to my room.
&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
: '''Young Aelita:''' But, where are we?
: '''Franz Hopper:''' In my laboratory. Come on.
: '''Young Aelita:''' Where?
: '''Franz Hopper:''' To a world where we will be safe. You and I, forever. See you in a minute honey.
: '''Young Aelita:''' See you in a minute, Daddy.
&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
: '''Ulrich:''' What's going on, Jeremy.
: '''Jeremy:''' It's Franz Hopper. He's bringing Lyoko back to life.
: '''Yumi:''' Look. It's incredible.
: '''Jeremy:''' Franz Hopper is saving his daughter.
&lt;hr width=70%/&gt;
: '''Jeremy:''' All those memories of your life on Earth. That was the fragment that X.A.N.A. took from you, to bind you to him. And Franz Hopper managed to give them back to you.
: '''Ulrich:''' Now you're free, Aelita. But unfortunately, so is .X.A.N.A.
: '''Yumi:''' Shutting the supercomputer down is not gonna kill X.A.N.A. anymore. What are we gonna do?
: '''Jeremy:''' Same as always- We'll fight! X.A.N.A. may have become more powerful, but I don't think he's invincible! If he attacks, we'll counterattack! We'll find a way to get rid of X.A.N.A. for good!
: '''Yumi:''' And we'll do everything we can to find your dad, Aelita.
: '''Aelita:''' You're right. The fight has to go on. After all, fighting X.A.N.A. is my job.
: '''Jeremy:''' No, Aelita. It's ''our'' job.

==Season Three (Episodes 53-65)==
===Straight to Heart===
*Having regained her memories of her past human life, Aelita has developed a Lyoko &quot;weapon&quot; of very own''':''' Small, [[w:shades of pink|deep pink]] energy orbs called &quot;energy fields&quot; that can destroy one monster at a time from a distance. She can be now devirtualized normally via the scanners.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
: '''Jeremy:''' I don't believe it. Ulrich, listen. Whatever you do you got to stop the creepers from destroying the sphere.
: '''Ulrich:''' Why?
: '''Jeremy:''' Because is the Heart of Lyoko. The direct access to all the core programs of the virtual world! If the monsters destroy it, it's game over for good for Lyoko. Hurry up! The sphere has only two protective layers and the first one just blew.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
: '''Jeremy:''' &quot;Aelita, it's your turn now.&quot;
: '''Odd:''' &quot;Her turn for what? She can't do anything.&quot;
: '''Jeremy:''' &quot;Watch.&quot;
:(''Aelita projects a small orb of pure, [[w:Pink (color)|deep pink]] energy destroys the Creeper, which succeeds in devirtualizing her'') 
: '''Odd:''' &quot;But how can Aelita have done that?&quot;
: '''Jeremy:''' &quot;Aelita developed some new [[w:Superpower (ability)|powers]] during the vacation. She's perfectly capable of fighting like you can now.&quot;
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;Have you realized you nearly gave me a heart attack!!?&quot;
: '''Ulrich:''' &quot;Can someone tell me what happened?&quot;
: '''Odd:''' &quot;Well, it seems that even if Aelita loses all of her life points, she won't disappear forever.&quot;
: '''Ulrich:''' &quot;She won't? How come?&quot;
: '''Jeremy:''' &quot;Of course! I was too dumb not to think of it before. Ever since you recovered your human memory, you're exactly the same as us. We don't need ''Code: Earth'' anymore to bring you in.&quot;
: '''Aelita:''' &quot;That'll really help now that X.A.N.A. is determined to destroy Lyoko to keep us from finding him on the net.&quot;
: '''Yumi:''' &quot;That's great, Aelita. You're a full-fledged Lyoko Warrior from now on.&quot;

===Lyoko Minus One===
*Aelita utilized her recently developed Lyoko weapon, small pink energy orbs called &quot;energy fields&quot;, for a second time
*Aelita is possessed by X.A.N.A. himself via the Scyphoza for the first time
*The Forest Region is wiped out, due to a possessed Aelita entering the ''Code X.A.N.A.'' in a way-tower
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Aelita:''' Jeremy, I got a big problem.
: '''Jeremy:''' Scyphoza!
: '''Aelita:''' But why? Its already got all the data that X.A.N.A. needed from me. What could it want now?
: '''Jeremy:''' I don't know, Aelita, but please don't stick around trying to find out.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Jeremy:''' Aelita, try to hit it with the energy field.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Jeremy:''' I don't get it. It looks like the Scyphoza has implanted something into Aelita's memory.
: '''Odd:''' I'm almost there, Jeremy.
&lt;hr width70%/&gt;
: '''Jeremy:''' Aelita is alive. I don't understand!
: '''Odd:''' Aelita, you gotta wake up. It's me, Odd. Hey, you can take a nap later. Whoa! Jeremy, got a problem here. Something's wrong with Aelita.
: '''Jeremy:''' Aelita, it's Jeremy! Wake up!
&lt;hr width70%/&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;Odd, what's going on?&quot;
: '''Odd:''' &quot;I get the feeling that Aelita's heading for the way tower.&quot;
: '''Jeremy''' (''sarcastically'')''':''' &quot;Just what we needed.&quot;
&lt;hr width70%/&gt;
: '''Jeremy:''' What's happening now?
: '''Odd:''' The sector's disappearing! Rematerialize us!
&lt;hr width70%/&gt;
:'''Ulrich:''' &quot;You OK? William's not in great shape.&quot;
: '''Yumi''' (on her cellphone'')''':''' &quot;Jeremy, did you manage to get the tower deactivated?&quot;
: '''Jeremy:''' &quot;I didn't. It deactivated itself because the Forest Sector is in the process of disappearing.&quot;
: '''Yumi and Ulrich:''' ''&quot;What!!?&quot;''
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' &quot;I don't know what happened.&quot;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;Anyway, it was a pretty close call. But I'm sure Einstein can tell us.&quot;
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
: '''Jeremy:''' It's no use. The Forest Sector doesn't exist anymore. X.A.N.A. has totally wiped it off the map.
: '''Aelita:''' If only I hadn't gone into that way tower, and if only I hadn't punched in that code.
: '''Jeremy:''' Don't you see? X.A.N.A. used you, Aelita. He launched an attack, just to lure us to Lyoko.
: '''Odd:''' But why would he do that?
: '''Jeremy:''' If the surface sectors disappear, we won't be able to get to Sector 5 anymore.
: '''Odd:''' You mean that X.A.N.A.'s gonna destroy all the sectors?
: '''Jeremy:''' That's right. If only I could find a way to virtualize you directly into Sector 5.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;

===Tidal Wave===
*Aelita uses her Lyoko weapon, &quot;energy fields&quot;, several times in the Mountain region
*This is third time that Yumi nearly falls into the digital sea, but is saved from eternal virtualization by Aelita firing one of her pink energy fields
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:(''At nighttime, in the supercomputer laboratory'')
:'''Jeremy:''' Okay. All I have to do is analyze the data you recovered from Sector Five.
:'''Yumi:''' You think we can learn anything from it?
:'''Jeremy:''' i don't know, but there's a shot of fighting X.A.N.A. on the internet, it's worth a try.
:'''Odd:''' I don't know about you guys, but something to eat would really hit the spot.
:'''Ulrich:''' Forget about it, Odd. We can't be late for gym.
:'''Odd:''' Huh? But we haven't had breakfast yet.
:'''Ulrich:''' Too late.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:(''Odd's stomach is rumbling really loud'')
:'''Ulrich:''' Hey, Odd, cool it would you?
:'''Aelita:''' he's right. Your stomach is almost as talkative as you are.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' What do you think the internet looks like?
:'''Jeremy:''' I don't know but I guess we're gonna find out.
:(''A tower suddenly activates on the supercomputer's screen'') 
:'''Aelita:''' Uh oh. An alert.
:'''Jeremy:''' Oh no.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ulrich''' (''on his cellphone'')''':''' Jeremy, we got a problem. We might be a little late.
:'''Jeremy:''' Is it X.A.N.A.?
:'''Ulrich:''' Kinda looks like it.
:'''Jeremy:''' OK, don't panic. We're going to deactivate the tower.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' Transfer, Yumi. Transfer, Aelita. Scanner, Yumi, Scanner Aelita. Virtualization.
:(''Yumi and Aelita are virtualized into the Mountain Region and fall right on top of the Overwing'')
:'''Jeremy:''' The activated tower is a little further north. Watch out! X.A.N.A. sent some krabs after you.
:'''Yumi:''' Okay, we read you.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yumi:''' I see the tower, Jeremy.
:'''Jeremy:''' Nice one, Ladies.
:'''Aelita:''' Hold on a second, Jeremy. Something feels weird. The digital sea seems to have risen all of a sudden.
:'''Jeremy:''' Hey, you're right, Aelita. The digital sea is going way up. another one of X.A.N.A.'s tricks.
:'''Yumi:''' Do you mean Lyoko is going to be submerged and disappear forever?
:'''Jeremy:''' No, it won't disappear. Lyoko's regions aren't affected by the digital sea. But it will get submerged unless I find can find a way to lower the sea level. Oh no! Monsters are heading at the chamber of the Heart of Lyoko! X.A.N.A. is trying to stop you from deactivating the tower, and from accessing Sector 5 by raising the level of the digital sea! And that's precisely how he plans to quietly wipe out Lyoko. You got to get to deactivate the tower ''before'' the digital sea swallows the Mountain Sector!
:'''Yumi:''' Too late. It's not accessible. 
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Odd:''' S.O.S. service here. What's the trouble, Sir?
:'''Jeremy:''' Odd, get into the scanner room. Hurry! Where's Ulrich?
:'''Odd:''' Oh, he's some game going on in the sewer.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:(''After Yumi was devirtualized by Aelita's [[w:Shadoes of pink|deep pink]] energy field'')
:'''Jeremy:''' Good job, Aelita. You were much faster than I was. Hang on until Odd gets there. Transfer, Odd. Scanner, Odd. Virtualization. Odd, I materialized your Overboard. You and Aelita have got to get to Sector Five, no matter what, you hear!?
:'''Odd:''' No problem.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yumi:''' Jeremy, where's Ulrich?
:'''Jeremy:''' Last I heard he was in the sewer, fighting one of X.A.N.A.'s monsters. His mobile isn't answering.
:'''Yumi:''' I'll go find him. He must need help.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Odd:''' We're inside, Jeremy. What's the latest?
:'''Jeremy:''' The latest is that all of Lyoko has been submerged into the digital sea.
:'''Aelita:''' Can we bring the level down?
:'''Jeremy:''' I hope so, thanks to the information your going to find for me. If not, we won't be able to deactivate the tower. You got to reach the chamber of the Core of Lyoko, fast, or it's bye-bye to our beautiful virtual world forever.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' We made it, Jeremy!
:'''Odd:''' We're coming in the Celestial Dome.
:'''Jeremy:''' Good. Aelita, head for the interface. You gotta find the data I need to lower the level of the digital sea. Odd, you heard for the Core of Lyoko.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===False Lead===
*Yumi utilized her only superpower of [[w:Telekinesis|telekinesis]] for the first time in Season 3
*The supercomputer is severely damaged
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Yumi:''' Odd!
: (''Utilizes her [[w:telekinesis|telekinesis]] to levitate him back to the surface, but then collapses from the mental strain'')
: '''Odd:''' Thanks, Yumi. 
:'''Yumi:''' Don't mention it.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Jeremy:''' Ulrich, this is all X.A.N.A.'s doing, you hear!? Bring everyone back home!!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Ulrich:''' I don't know, but something very uncool is happening down below.
: '''Aelita:''' Ulrich, hit the enter key.
: '''Ulrich:''' Oh, great. There's a possessed by X.A.N.A.'s who's trying to destroy the supercomputer.
: '''Aelita:''' X.A.N.A.'s plan is diabolical. If the supercomputer's destroyed, Lyoko will disappear forever and all of us along with it!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jim:''' &quot;I absolutely have no idea what this hunk of junk is used for.&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;The supercomputer took a really bad hit. It's pretty badly damaged. I just hope it'll work again.&quot;
:'''Jim:''' &quot;Hope what'll work again?&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;Return to the past, now! Return to the past, ''now''!!&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===Aelita===
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: (''A younger Aelita finds herself virtualized for the first time in the Forest Region of Lyoko'')
: '''Young Aelita:''' Daddy? Daddy, were are you?
: '''Franz Hopper:''' Here I am, Aelita.
: '''Young Aelita:''' Daddy!
: '''Franz Hopper:''' I can't materialize myself into human form yet as you can, Aelita. I still have more work to do on Lyoko. This world needs to develop more.
: '''Young Aelita:''' Daddy, there are some strange-looking creatures over here.
: '''Franz Hopper:''' Run, Aelita! Run!!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Franz Hopper:''' Aelita. Aelita, I have to make contact with X.A.N.A. Persuade him that we can live in peace with him.
: '''Young Aelita:''' Who is X.A.N.A.?
: '''Franz Hopper:''' A multi-agent computer program I created. It has achieved self-awareness and autonomy and it's trying to eliminate us now.
: '''Young Aelita:''' But why, Daddy? Daddy?
: '''Franz Hopper:''' Whatever, you do don't leave this tower!
: '''Young Aelita:''' Daddy!? Daddy!!! ''Daddy!!''
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Aelita:''' Jeremy, do you...think my father's still alive? My father, Franz Hopper. Do you think it's possible to re materialize him?
: '''Jeremy:''' No. What I mean is there's no way to.
: '''Aelita:''' But he managed to survive when X.A.N.A. captured him the first time. Why not a second time?
: '''Jeremy:''' Your father sacrificed himself for you, Aelita. And he had to use what little strength he had left to bring you back to life.
: '''Aelita:''' I know. But, I thought there could be a hope, that maybe you could find a way.
: '''Jeremy:''' Impossible! I checked every inch of Lyoko and there isn't the slightest sign of him. Aelita, Ive been trying really hard for you to into the worldwide web, so you can fight X.A.N.A. And you should think the way I think. I mean, think about the future.
: '''Aelita:''' And just forget my past, huh!? You think it's easy!? You didn't spend ten years of your life as some computer software! I wish I never recovered my memory!!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Young Aelita:''' Daddy! Daddy! I'm coming, Daddy!
: '''Franz Hopper:''' No, Aelita! Get back to safety in the tower! You possess the keys to Lyoko, Aelita! X.A.N.A. must never get his hands on them! Do you understand!? It's over, Aelita. X.A.N.A. is too powerful. He's become a threat to all mankind. I've got to shut down the supercomputer!
: '''Young Aelita:''' But does that mean we'll die?
: '''Franz Hopper:''' No. But you mustn't forget me! Ever! Never forget, Aelita.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Aelita:''' Bizarre. You'd think they were surprised to see us. ''Energy Field.''
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:(''Has his katana returned to him by Yumi telekinetically'')
: '''Ulrich:''' &quot;Your telekinesis thing is pretty cool.&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' Ulrich, Yumi, listen up. Odd and Aelita are in Sector 5.&quot;
:'''Ulrich:''' &quot;Huh? What's going on?&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;I'll explain later.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===The Pretender===
*This is the second appearance of Johnny in the show since &quot;Straight to Heart.&quot;
*The Desert Region is deleted from Lyoko.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Odd:''' Start up the stats program, Einstein.
: '''Ulrich:''' You're gonna cry when you see the results.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: (''Aelita hits a Tarantula with a deep pink energy field'')
: '''Ulrich:''' Hey, Aelita! You're cheating.
: '''Aelita:''' I know, but you guys are just too clumsy.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Ulrich:''' I may not have my saber, but I can run. Odd, we can't take a chance of Aelita going into the way-tower. You gotta try to launch a return in time!
: '''Odd:''' I thought we were never to do that when she's under X.A.N.A.'s control.
:'''Ulrich:''' Well, at least, try to program me a saber.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Jeremy:''' It's all over.
: '''Odd:''' For the Desert Sector, yes. For Yumi, I hope not, so move it.
: '''Jeremy:''' Return to the past now.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' And the best Lyoko Warrior is...Aelita.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===The Secret===
:'''Odd:''' That was pretty uncool, Ulrich. Why'd you turn William down?
:'''Ulrich:''' Wasn't me. I'm not crazy about William, but he saved us and the factory. He'd make a great Lyoko Warrior.
:'''Aelita:''' It wasn't me either.
:'''Odd:''' But if it wasn't you or Jeremy, then it was...
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Yumi:''' Sorry, William, but I think you can't be trusted.

===Sabotage===
*The Ice Sector is deleted willingly by Aelita, so Jeremy could use its virtual energy to reboot the supercomputer.
&lt;hr width50%&gt;
: '''Aelita:''' The bugs also affect the monsters.
: '''Ulrich:''' Well, that makes things even for once.
&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
: '''Aelita:''' There is one way to do it.
: '''Jeremy:''' Go on. I'm listening.
: '''Aelita:''' Destroy the Ice Sector.
&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
: '''Aelita:''' Jeremy, it's the only way to recover some energy and avoid total destruction of the supercomputer!
: '''Jeremy:''' She's right. There's no other way. Go on, Aelita.

===Temporary Insanity===
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' ''Energy Field''.
:'''Odd:''' Energy Field? You think we're on Lyoko or something?
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===Nobody in Particular===
:'''Jeremy:''' I don't get it. In spite of all my research I haven't managed to localize him. I'll keep searching from my room computer. He's got to be somewhere.
:'''Yumi:''' Go on. You can keep searching. But the truth is you really messed up big-time, and Ulrich might be lost forever!!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' Try not to lose him, okay?
:'''Yumi:''' That's easy for you to say. He's fast.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===Triple Trouble===
*The original title was &quot;Three Is an Odd Number&quot;
&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Ulrich:''' &quot;That makes for me. Try to top that.&quot;
:'''Aelita:''' &quot;I got ten.&quot;
:'''Yumi:''' &quot;And Odd. How many of X.A.N.A's monsters did you wipe out this week?&quot;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;Two.&quot;
:'''Yumi:''' &quot;That's all? What's your problem?&quot;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;You know darn well. You all got [[w:Superpower (ability)|superpowers]]-[[w: psychokinesis |Telekinesis]], {{Superhuman Speed|super sprint]], triplicate- You can all make stuff appear. Me, I got zilch. The only power I ever had was [[w: premonition|future flash]], and it got wiped out when Jeremy was updating the supercomputer. And he never reprogrammed it because it was,I quote, useless. So just knock it off with your high scores and low scores, okay?&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;It's a [[w:Superpower (ability)|special power]] just for you and nobody else: [[w:Teleportation in fiction|Teleportation]]!&quot;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;You're the best, Einstein! If I were a girl, I'd propose to you immediately.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;This new power will enable you to travel over short distances.&quot;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;How does it work?&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' First, you have to visualize the place you want to go to.&quot;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;Like that mountain over there?&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;Right. Then, you activate the power by saying 'Teleportation' &quot;.
:'''Odd:''' &quot;I did it.&quot;
:'''Aelita:''' &quot;I think one of you would have been enough. Look!&quot;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;Jeremy, I take back my marriage proposal.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;I fixed the bug. If you want, I can reprogram it with no more glitches, and even make it a whole lot stronger.&quot;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;No thanks.&quot;
:'''Ulrich:''' &quot;You sure?&quot;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;Pretty sure. I mean, a guy like me doesn't need [[w:Superpower (ability)|superpowers]].&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jim:''' &quot;Della Robbia? I must’ve seen you everywhere today, except in gym class! So listen up, young man: Get to the gym now and work up a sweat or you’re gonna have something else to sweat about!&quot;

===Double Trouble===
*The Mountain Region is deleted, leaving only Sector 5 left and inaccessible to the Lyoko Warriors.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' There is one thing we could do. If we could recruit another Lyoko Warrior, it would give us some breathing.
:'''Yumi:''' And who did you have in mind?
:'''Aelita:''' There's William. He's already shown us what he can do.
:'''Yumi:''' No way. We discussed this. William's too much of a hothead. No, he can't be trusted!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: (''A possessed Aelita goes into the way tower'')
: '''Yumi:''' ''NO!'' Oh, Jeremy. There was nothing I could do. Jeremy, we're going to lose the Mountain Sector! Don't forget to bring Aelita and me in!
&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
: '''Jeremy:''' The Mountain Sector has completely disappeared. There's no way of getting into Sector 5 now.
: '''Aelita:''' Now X.A.N.A. can attack the Core of Lyoko and destroy it for good. and they'll be nothing we can do against him.
: '''Jeremy:''' Lyoko's gone for good and without it, there's not a thing we can do to fight X.A.N.A. Wait! These are the results of the calculations I made this morning.
: '''Odd:''' Well, tell us. How is it?
: '''Jeremy:''' Hmm. I think I may have found way to virtualize you directly into Sector Five at last.
: '''Ulrich:''' You mean the fight against X.A.N.A. goes on?
: '''Jeremy:''' He's not rid of us yet.
:'''Yumi:''' If that's the case, we're gonna need another. After what's happened, we don't have a choice it seems. 
:(''The others stare at her teasingly'')
:'''Yumi:''' So what? I changed my mind.

===Final Round===
*All of Lyoko is disintegrated into the digital sea, leaving the Lyoko Warriors defenseless against X.A.N.A. who has a new servant, William Dunbar as the newly recruited sixth member.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yumi:''' You swear not to give away the secret?
:'''William:''' I swear.
:'''Jeremy:''' Good answer, William. Now for the first test: the Scanner. We're going to create a virtual image of you inside the supercomputer. After that, you'll be immune to the returns to the past. That'll really make part of the group.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;He doesn't look happy to see us.&quot;
:'''Ulrich:''' &quot;Yep. Looks like me when I saw my father.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:(''As she is devirtualized by the X.A.N.A.-possessed William'')
:'''Yumi:''' I knew it was a bad idea to bring you into the group.
:(''She, Odd and Ulrich appear in the Scanner Room; dejected'')
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Jeremy:''' Nothing can stop them anymore.
: '''Aelita:''' They're going to destroy the sphere!
: '''Jeremy:''' Almost there!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:''''Aelita:''' &quot;It can't be.&quot;
: '''Jeremy:''' &quot;I couldn't rematerialize Franz Hopper. I didn't have enough time.&quot;
: '''Aelita:''' &quot;We've lost everything.&quot;
: '''Jeremy:''' &quot;William as well.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Jeremy:''' We have no other way to fight X.A.N.A. now. The entire world is in danger.
: '''Ulrich:''' It's impossible even to imagine it.
: '''Yumi:''' And William...do you think he's-
: '''Odd:''' This is horrible.
:(''Aelita looks sadly at a photograph of Franz Hopper'')
: '''Aelita:''' I was really hoping I'd see my father again.
: '''Jeremy:''' I'm sorry. I did everything I could.
: '''Aelita:''' I know you did, Jeremy.
:'''Jeremy:''' What the!? This is incredible!
:'''Odd:''' Well, tell us. What's going on?
:'''Jeremy:''' I just received a coded message; a message directly from the internet. And it's signed...
:'''Aelita:''' Who!? Tell us, Jeremy!
:'''Jeremy:''' Franz Hopper.

==Season Four (Episodes 66-95)==
===William Returns===
*Lyoko is successfully recreated by the restoration program Jeremy and Aelita received from Franz Hopper. This brings back Sector 5/Carthage, the central region of the virtual realm.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' Thanks to the data we got from my father before he disappeared into the network, Jeremy and I have just about recreated Lyoko.
: '''Odd:''' You're recreating Lyoko?
: '''Aelita:''' We may even be ready by tonight.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;It's the moment of truth, I guess. Here we go.&quot;
: '''Odd:''' I don't want to be a partypooper, but there doesn't seem to be much happening.
: '''Aelita:''' The data my father transmitted wasn't enough.
: '''Jeremy:''' I guess we must've been really crazy to think that we could recreate Lyoko.
: '''Yumi:''' Hey, wait. Look at that.
: (''The outer shell of Lyoko emerges in the digital sea'')
: '''Ulrich:''' That's incredible. It worked.
: '''Odd:''' Aelita, Jeremy, you guys are gods.
:'''Jeremy:''' Well, sort of but not quite. So far we only managed to recreate Sector Five of Lyoko. We still have to recreate the other sectors. But we should be able to do that soon.
:'''Yumi:''' It can wait a night or two. You guys deserve a good night's sleep.
:'''Aelita:''' Yumi's right, Jeremy. We're going to need all of our strength to look for William. We'll get started tomorrow.
:'''Jeremy:''' Well, alright.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' Thanks, William. Without you I'd been Sissi's next victim, and that's even worse than...
:'''William:''' Than becoming a prisoner of X.A.N.A. Is that what you're saying?
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' Ulrich, there's something strange going on with William.
:''''Ulrich:''' Why? What's wrong?
:'''Jeremy:''' He left for the factory with Aelita. I picked up the signal of their cellphones. I'm pretty sure this is X.A.N.A.'s doing.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' Jeremy, what's going on?
:'''Jeremy:''' Be very careful, Aelita. William's coming after you!
:'''Aelita:''' What's the matter with him!?
:'''Jeremy:''' I don't know! The tower in Sector 5 hasn't been activated, but it seems that William is under the control of X.A.N.A. You better get out of there fast, Aelita!!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yumi:''' What's going on, Jeremy?
:'''Jeremy:''' Looks as if William wants out of Sector 5.
:'''Yumi:''' But I thought you hadn't managed to create any other sectors yet.
:'''Jeremy:''' That's what makes it so hard to understand. At the end of Sector 5, there's nothing except...the digital sea! If he jumps into it with Aelita, she'll be virtualized for good; just like her father!
:'''Ulrich:''' Don't worry, Jeremy! We'll all we can to stop him!
:'''Yumi:''' But for that we're going to need our vehicles.
:'''Jeremy:''' Right. I'll see that you get them in no-time flat.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ulrich:''' You think William's gone forever?
:'''Jeremy:''' No. I think he just went back to his new master: X.A.N.A.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' Why would William want to drag me into the digital sea? I don't get it.
:'''Jeremy:''' I think it's part of X.A.N.A.'s new strategy and so we gotta be very careful. William could come back at any time.

===Double Take===
*Jeremy gives Yumi,Ulrich and Aelita digital &quot;upgrades and modifications&quot; to their weaponry, and supposedly &quot;amplifies and further develops&quot; their [[w:list of superhuman abilities and features in fiction|abilities]] to somewhat higher power-levels:
**Ulrich gains a second [[W:Katana|katana]]
**Aelita now has angel wings to fly or carry a fellow Lyoko Warrior.
**Yumi's [[w:Telekinesis|telekinesis]] is enhanced somewhat, allowing her to use it for longer periods without tiring out. The pill-shaped things above her eyebrows seem to help her focus it more.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' Do you mind!? Some of us are trying to work here! I've already spent a lot of sleepless nights recreating the rest of Lyoko, and improving the virtual equipment for all of you. So, don't forget, that while you're doing your bad stand up act-
:'''Ulrich:''' It wasn't me! It was him!
:'''Jeremy:''' That William is stuck on Lyoko under the control of X.A.N.A.! And if we don't do anything, people are gonna start noticing his absence. So keep it down.
&lt;hr width80%&gt; 
:(''Admiring their brand-new outfits and slight upgrades to their own weaponry'')
:'''Ulrich:''' Twin blades? Quicker for getting a close shave.
:'''Yumi:''' I love your skirt, Aelita.
:'''Aelita:''' Thanks. Those shoulder pads aren't bad either.
:'''Jeremy:''' Hey, you two can discuss fashion later. The activated tower is north by northwest.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:(''As Aelita falls, white angel wings emerge from her back, breaking her fall'')
:'''Aelita:''' Where did these wings come from?
:'''Jeremy:''' You like 'em? They're just a little surprise I invented in my spare time, Aelita.
:'''Aelita:''' Jeremy, you are the wind beneath my wings.
: (''Jeremy blushes'')
:'''Yumi:''' &quot;Aelita. You'r an angel.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yumi:''' &quot;Jeremy, William's trying to push in the digital sea!&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;Yumi! I'll bring you back in! Oh no. It's not working!&quot;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;What do you expect? Everything's breaking up?&quot;
:'''Ulrich:''' &quot;That's bad news.&quot;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;Only one thing left to do.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;Hey, what do you think of my new outfit? Yeah, that's what I think, too.&quot;

===Opening Act===
*Yumi utilizes her one and only special ability [[w:Psychokinesis|telekinesis]], which has been strengthened somewhat, as the pill-shaped things above her eyebrows seem to help her focus better.
&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Yumi:''' You may be possessed by X.A.N.A. but you're still a rookie on Lyoko, William!
:'''William:''' Attack!!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yumi:''' Jeremy, where's that vehicle, huh? The old William was hard to get rid of, but this one's a lot worse! Ya!
:(''Uses her newly strengthened telekinesis to perfect the targeting range of her Tessen fans, unexpectedly hitting William from behind'')
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ulrich:''' If you're trying to get a date with Yumi, I'm not so sure that's the right way!
&lt;hr width50%&gt;

===Wreck Room===
*Yumi utilizes her strengthened telekinetic abilities for the second time in [[w:list Code Lyoko episodes|Season 4]].
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' This is a disaster. William's copy doesn't have the same personality as the original.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' Aelita, get a move on!! If he leads you into the digital sea, you'll be virtualized for good! The same as your father!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yumi:''' You sure are a tough customer. Ya!
:(''Telekinetically hurls a rock at William, but he shatters it with his Zeiwlander'')
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' Aelita, you're going to have to wait before you enter the tower.
:'''Aelita:''' Okay. (''to Ulrich'') One for each of us.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===Skidbladnir===
*The group's virtual submarine is completed, which enables them to go into the digital sea and travel right through the worldwide web itself.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Odd:''' Jeremy, how's the virtual submarine going? I can't wait to go on a X..N.A. hunt.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' I can't believe it. Pretty soon we'll be able to track X.A.N.A. on the network.
:'''Aelita:''' I may even be able to localize my dad.
:'''Jeremy:''' That would be great, but we can't get our hopes up, even if it's still possible.
:'''Aelita:''' I know. But I completely lost hope when X.A.N.A. destroyed all of Lyoko.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ulrich:''' Hey, big shot!? Wanna mix it up a little!?
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Odd:''' That's all we needed: X.A.N.A.'s air-force.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ulrich:''' You're not gonna win, William!! Better let your master know!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:(''Is saved by Yumi's Tessen fan'')
:'''Ulrich:''' It's a pleasure to see you again, Ladies.
:'''Yumi:''' It's always nice to feel needed, isn't it?
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' Energy Field.
:(''Defeats William by managing to create one large orb of deep pink energy, with some difficulty'')
:'''Yumi:''' You OK, Aelita?
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Odd:''' 3:59 and 45 seconds! 46, 47...
:'''Jeremy:''' It's done. The programing for phase two is underway.
:'''Yumi and Aelita:''' Yeah!
:'''Aelita:''' Jeremy, our ship is finally completed.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' My father used to read this book to me when I was five.
:'''Jeremy:''' ''Viking Gods and Legends''?
:'''Aelita:''' Look at that. It was about a mythical ship that could even sail on land. And it always reached its destination, no matter what type of wind was blowing.
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;The Skidbladnir&quot;?
:'''Yumi:''' I really like that name.
:'''Ulrich:''' Yeah. I like it, too.
:'''Jeremy:''' Okay! Our new ship's name is Skidbladnir.
:'''Odd:''' Or what about &quot;Skid&quot; for short?

===Maiden Voyage===
*The four Lyoko Warriors use the Skidbladnir to travel into the digital sea, and the internet for the first time. In addition, all five have new attire in the real world.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ulrich:''' Hey, you guy see that dark thing up there?
:'''Aelita:''' Yes. I'll shut the lights to get a better view.
:'''Yumi:'''Aelita, you think that's Lyoko?
:'''Aelita:''' I don't know. But whatever it is, its gravity is pulling us toward it.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ulrich:''' Yeah. It's nice to be back on Lyoko.
:'''Aelita:''' But it's not Lyoko.
:'''Ulrich:''' Huh? What?
:'''Aelita:''' It's not Lyoko! Hang on now! Retro breaks!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yumi:''' There's something else up ahead.
:'''Ulrich:''' Hey! It's ugly and uglier. They look like some sort of eels.
:'''Odd:''' I never met an eel I didn't like.
:'''Aelita:''' Heads up! I'm breaking off!
:'''Odd:''' I've seen spiked heels but spiked eels, never.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' Get those congers off your tail and then launch the Navskids.
:'''Odd:''' What? We're gonna fight them one-on-one?
:'''Jeremy:''' Exactly, Odd, just like in ''Galactic Invaders.''
:'''Odd:''' Okay! Bring 'em on.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Odd:''' Hey, these are more riled than the Overboard. Gangway!
:'''Jeremy:''' Now be really careful! If you get hit it means you'll be lost at sea!
:'''Odd:''' Got ya, Einstein. Fire torpedoes. Unbelievable! It's up to you, Yumi!
:'''Yumi:''' They're tough customers.
:'''Odd:''' You said it. 
:'''Ulrich:''' Yumi, behind you!
:'''Yumi:''' Okay, come and get me. Now! Got it!
:'''Ulrich:''' Nice one, Yumi. You get better and better.
:'''Yumi:''' Maybe but not good enough.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' Careful. Don't forget that the Navskids autonomy is limited.
:'''Yumi:''' We'll do what we can, Jeremy, but these monsters are hard to hit.
:'''Jeremy:''' Well, don't try to work any miracles. Just keep them away from the Skid.
:'''Ulrich:''' Right.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ulrich:''' Hey, fish freak! Looking for some more bait?
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' I would never have guessed that the world information network was a real live ocean.
:'''Odd:''' Yeah. With fish and everything. Big ones, too.
:'''Aelita:''' To think that my father is in the network somewhere.
:'''Yumi:''' Yeah. And so is William.
:'''Ulrich:''' That huge sphere we saw. What was that anyway?
:'''Jeremy:''' Another virtual world just like Lyoko. A replica that X.A.N.A. must have created from the data that he stole from Aelita. I really wonder what he's planning of doing with it.
:'''Ulrich:''' We'll go and explore it.

===Crash Course===
:'''Ulrich:''' I'll go.
:'''Odd:''' No. I should be the one. I already lost lots of life points, and you still got all yours. You'd be more useful here. What's more, that's exactly what we did during he swimming pool attack.
:'''Ulrich:''' I don't ever what to hear about the swimming pool ''again!!''
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===Replika===
:'''Jeremy:''' Unbelievable! You guys are on an exact copy of Lyoko, except there's only one sector- the Forest.
:'''Aelita:''' X.A.N.A. created another Lyoko on the network? But why?
:'''Jeremy:''' I have no idea. But you can bet it's not to save humanity. And knowing our friend X.A.N.A. I Bet he's made other copies exactly like this one.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' Jeremy, can you generate more power to the shields?
:'''Jeremy:''' I think so. To reinforce the Skid I have to grab a chunk of energy from the supercomputer itself.
:(''Aelita begins to use her creativity in conjunction with her energy fields to erect a shield of deep pink energy'')
:'''Aelita:''' Isn't taking energy from the supercomputer...kind of risky?
:'''Jeremy:''' We have no choice. It's the only solution I can think of right now.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yumi:''' You look awfully serious. Did I scratch the paint of the Skid or something?
:'''Jeremy:''' I'm just worried about this Lyoko copy. If there's another Lyoko out there, it means that there's another supercomputer out there as well. To destroy this new supercomputer, I'm going to have to find a way to materialize you into the real world from the copy.

===I'd Rather Not Talk About It!===
:'''Yumi:''' Hurry! Every second counts.
:'''Aelita:''' I'm on it. But I'm not as fast as Jeremy. X.A.N.A. has sent William and some monsters into the core chamber. You two get down to the scanner room. We have to protect the Core of Lyoko.
:'''Yumi:''' What about the tower?
:'''Aelita:''' Guess I'll have to manage that alone.
:'''Ulrich:''' No, not alone. Old reliable Ulrich is here.
:'''Yumi:''' Ulrich.
:'''Ulrich:''' I shook off the boar, but it went back into the forest. I'm afraid it could find Jim and Jeremy.
:'''Aelita:''' We have no time to waste.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' Are you ready? Transfer Odd! Transfer Yumi! Scanner Odd! Scanner Yumi! Virtualization. 
:(''Yumi and Odd are virtualized into Sector Five'')
:'''Aelita:''' I already called up your vehicles. They'll be waiting for you in the Celestial Dome.
:'''Yumi:''' Gotcha.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Odd:''' Hey, isn't that your boyfriend up there?
:'''Yumi:''' He's ''not'' my boyfriend! He's a little too clingy for me, anyhow.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yumi:''' Odd, the first shield layer's about to give! We have to do something!
:'''Odd:''' I know. And I got an idea.
:'''Yumi:''' Oh yeah? What's that?
:'''Odd:''' Skydiving! Woo-who! 
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''William:''' That was a volley shot! It's all over for you!
:'''Yumi:''' And I would call that wishful thinking, William dear.

===Hot Shower===
:'''Aelita:''' The scanner is picking up a trace of digital DNA in the area. It might be William or it even may be...
:'''Ulrich:''' Your father? Well, what are waiting for? Let's check it out.
:'''Aelita:''' Okay.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ulrich:''' Hot.
:'''Odd:''' Yeah, well, this is a desert.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ulrich:''' It's all over!
:'''Aelita:''' No, Ulrich. Not yet!
:'''Ulrich:''' What are you doing!?
:'''Aelita:''' I'm forcing X.A.N.A. to make a choice.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' Hurry, Odd. Devirtualize me!
:'''Odd:''' What!? Are you crazy?
:'''Aelita:''' Do what I say!
:'''Jeremy:''' Odd, Aelita's right. It's our only hope.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' To win, sometimes you have to know how to lose.
:'''Jeremy:''' You think X.A.N.A. understands that?
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' X.A.N.A. wanted to capture me more than he wanted to destroy the supercomputer. With me back on Earth, he couldn't do either of them.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===Lost at Sea===
*Yumi's younger brother Hiroki and his friend Johnny have new outfits
*William now has X.A.N.A.'s version of the Navskids to follow the Lyoko Warriors in the digital sea
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yumi:''' Take this, fish face!
:'''Odd:''' Not bad. Yumi's pretty effective when she's mad. I got one on my tail! They're sticking to me like glue.
:'''ulrich:''' Yeah, bulls eye!
:'''Odd:''' Nice one, good buddy.
:'''Ulrich:''' Wanna team up for the last one?
:'''Odd:''' Yeah, let's do it!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' Hey! Where's Yumi?
:'''Jeremy:''' Huh? I don't have trace of her. I've lost her!
:'''Aelita:''' She must have gotten hit by a conger.
:'''Ulrich:''' But...that's impossible.
:'''Odd:''' Einstein, you think she might have been virtualized for good?
:'''Jeremy:''' No. I don't think so. The data recording from the fight doesn't show any sign of her having been eliminated.
:'''Aelita:''' That means she's still somewhere on board her Navskid, somewhere in the middle of the digital sea.
:'''Jeremy:''' Yeah, but the Skid is no condition to find her. You guys have to come back in so I can run a repair program.
:'''Ulrich:''' What!? No way! We can't just leave her behind!
:'''Aelita:''' Ulrich, no one's leaving anyone. But all of us run the risk of being virtualized forever, with the Skid's systems down.
:'''Ulrich:''' You're right. We better go.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:(''Adrift in the digital sea'')
:'''Yumi:''' Can anybody hear me? This is Yumi. I don't know where I am! I'm in trouble! Almost out of power! Answer me! Somebody please answer me!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' &quot;Well, Yumi.&quot;
:'''Yumi:''' &quot;Huh?&quot;
:'''Aelita:'''&quot;Thought you'd wander off without telling us where you were?&quot;
:''''Yumi:''' &quot;It took you long enough to get here.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ulrich:''' &quot;Okay, he's behind Odd. Big mistake, William. Fire!&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;Okay, time to go back the Skid and head back in. They're all coming home.&quot;
:'''Aelita:''' &quot;Not everybody. But one day, we'll bring you back, William.&quot;

===The Lake===
*Yumi successfully virtualizes herself on Lyoko
*X.A.N.A's control over William is lost temporarily
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yumi:''' You can never beat us, X.A.N.A.! You hear!?
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yumi:''' ''No, William!'' You're a Lyoko warrior! You ''swore'' to it!
:(''Flashes back to the events of &quot;Final Round&quot;'')
:'''Yumi:''' You swear to keep our secret?
:'''William:''' I swear.
:'''Jeremy:''' Good answer, William.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' Just in time. Is something wrong, Yumi?
:'''Yumi:''' For a second there, the real William came back, Aelita.
:'''Aelita:''' That means we'll bring him home someday.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===Lab Rat===
* This episode did not air on Cartoon Network but was skipped by the following &quot;Bragging Rights&quot;
*Odd and Aelita are successfully teleported to the [[w:Amazon Rainforest|Amazon Rainforest]] 
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;Cool, Einstein! It works!&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;Great, but that's no reason to blow out by eardrum. Okay,where are you?&quot;
:'''Odd:''' You won't believe this, but we're in the jungle.&quot;
:'''Aelita:''' &quot;And it's daytime here.&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;I get it. You're in a different timezone. You're in the [[w:Amazon Rainforest|Amazon region]], it seems.&quot;
:'''Aelita:''' &quot;Wow, that's exciting.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;But we're dressed like on Lyoko. How come?&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;Because the teleportation isn't a real devirtualization. Those aren't your real human forms that I materialized onto Earth.&quot;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;Whoa. Slow down a minute, Frankenstein. Are you trying to say that we're not really us?
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;Yes, you're you. But those aren't your real bodies. More like some kind of specters in the image of your virtual manifestations.&quot;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;Aelita and I became specters? Wow! Pretty impressive, huh?&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;If you say so. Anyway, hurry up and find the supercomputer. The teleportation won't last forever.&quot;
:'''Aelita:''' &quot;How long have we got?&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;fifty-two, thirty, thirteen minutes.&quot;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;The guy's a comedian. And just where does he expect us to find the supercomputer? Behind a tree?&quot;
:'''Aelita:''' &quot;Good guess, Odd.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ulrich:''' &quot;Yumi, wait. Can't we make up? Look, if someone forgot my birthday, I wouldn't make a big deal out of it.&quot;
:'''Yumi:''' &quot;That's because I never ever forget it!&quot;
:'''Ulrich:''' &quot;Ugh! Okay, not you...but what I mean is-&quot;
:'''Yumi:''' &quot;Look, quit while your ahead! You're just making things worse.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yumi:''' &quot;Jeremy, X.A.N.A.'s on the move again.&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;Okay, Yumi. Two vehicles, coming right up.&quot; 
:'''Ulrich:''' &quot;I'll take care of Handsome.&quot;
:'''Yumi:''' &quot;Yeah right.&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;Be careful. If the Skid gets disconnected from the tower, it's mission over for Aelita and Odd.&quot;
:'''Yumi:''' &quot;We're try to make life miserable for the enemy. Don't worry.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' &quot;Right or left?&quot;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;Through there.&quot;
:'''Aelita:''' &quot;How can you be so sure?&quot;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;Because my sense of direction is infallible.&quot;
:'''Aelita:''' &quot;Hmm.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yumi:''' Not so fast, pretty boy!
:(''Uses her telekinesis on her Tessen fans to perfect their targeting range, but William catches and disintegrates them'')
:'''William:''' It's over, Yumi!
:'''Yumi:''' Jeremy, mayday! S.O.S. I need two more [[w: Tessenjitsu|fans]], like, right now!
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;Right now&quot; is a tall order, Yumi. Let me see what I can come up with.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' &quot;Now we gotta get rid of this thing for good.&quot;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;Let me handle this one. Laser Arrow! I don't believe this.&quot;
:'''Aelita:''' &quot;Jeremy, we have a problem- the supercomputer has an energy shield around it.&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;You have to find where the shield is getting its energy from. I can't do anything from here.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' &quot;There! That must the lenses projecting the energy shield. If we destroy it, there's a good chance we'll deactivate the shield.&quot;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;You could've found me a better target. No one could possibly hit from this distance. Well, except me.&quot;
:'''Aelita:''' &quot;Go ahead. I'll take care of them.&quot;
:(''Uses her light yellow energy field to erect a dome-shaped shield around herself'')
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;What happened?&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;Your connection the tower has been cut. The teleportation has stopped. All you can do is come back now.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ulrich:''' &quot;There's no use dissing ourselves. After all, we did our best.&quot;
:'''Aelita:''' &quot;Maybe but we still got to find out what X.A.N.A. plans to do with those cybernetic spiders.&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;Yeah. We're gonna go back to Jungle, teleport you back in, and destroy that supercomputer.&quot;

===Bragging Rights===
*The replica of the Forest Region is destroyed via Odd wiping out its supercomputer in the [[w:Amazon Rainforest|Amazon]].
*Odd's lavender energy shield has expanded somewhat
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ulrich:''' &quot;In the jungle? You mean, we're going back already?&quot;
:'''Aelita:''' &quot;Yeah. And we do't think it'll be a problem. Odd knocked out the energy shield protecting it last time.&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;So, thanks to our non-bragging hero, it's gonna be a piece of cake.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yumi:''' &quot;Jeremy, why can't I get the door open?&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' Oh, right. Last time, Aelita used her digital powers to open it.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ulrich:''' &quot;No. I'm gonna do this my way.&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;Your way, Ulrich? Like smashing up the generator with your [[w:Katana|saber]] and short-circuiting the supercomputer?&quot;
:'''Ulrich:''' &quot;You guessed it.&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;Uh, give me a minute to think it over.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;Three hornets and Sir William the lowlife? My laser arrows, and it's game over.&quot;
:'''Aelita:''' &quot;Odd, forgot your bet.&quot;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;That wasn't bragging. It's a simple truth. Shield! What I tell you? Go on, Aelita.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''William:''' &quot;For X.A.N.A.&quot;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;For me!!&quot;
:''''William:''' &quot;Ow.&quot;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;Stings, doesn't it?&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;Laser Arrow!&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;Odd, did you just blow William away all by yourself?&quot;
:'''Odd:''' Yep.&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;No boasting?&quot;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;What do you think I am, a braggart?&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;Odd, you got just one arrow let. So take good aim.&quot;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;One arrow is all I need.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===Dog Day Afternoon===
:'''Odd:''' &quot;Besides, our natural talents are multiplied on Lyoko. Imagine, Kiwi and his sense of smell. He could sniff out X.A.N.A.'s monsters from a mile away.&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;Besides, Kiwi's such a coward, he'd take off as soon as he saw a Megatank.&quot;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;Oh yeah? As fast as you did when you went to Lyoko?&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===A Lack Goodwill===
*A replica of the Desert Region is generated via its miniature supercomputer in [[w:New Mexico|New Mexico]]
*Yumi Used her only [[w:superpower (ability)|power]] of telekinesis for a fourth time in Season Four
&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' I feel bad for William's clone. It's my fault he's in trouble with G.I. Jim.
:'''Jeremy:''' No need to feel bad, Aelita. It's like Odd said, he's totally artificial.
:'''Aelita:''' Like I was, not all that long ago.
:'''Jeremy:''' But that's not the same. An artificial clone has no feelings, Aelita. At least, not for now.
&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Odd:''' Replica, here we come. Odd's the best! The greatest! The lame brain, and breaking machine!
:'''Ulrich:''' &quot;Lame&quot; sounds right. I don't know about the rest. Don't forget who saved you from the digital sea last time.
&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:(''Yumi uses her [[w:Telekinesis|telekinetic]] abilities to use Odd's Overboard to destroy a Creeper from a distance'')
:'''Odd:''' Oh no! My Overboard!
:'''Yumi:''' Another one bites the dust.
:'''Odd:''' Don't even do that again! I'm telling you! I hope you didn't mess up the paint-job.
&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''William:''' Now, you're going to witness the total destruction of the supercomputer, and your gang of friends!
&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' William set a delayed virtualization. He's going back to the network. Most of all, he managed to cut the clone system. But I managed to stop the process in time.
&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Milly:''' How long have you been fighting against X.A.N.A.?
:'''Jeremy:''' We began about two years ago.
:'''Tamiya:''' And do you do this a lot?
:'''Odd:''' Are you kidding? We fight X.A.N.A. almost every day.
:'''Milly:''' Wow. This has gotta be the best scoop we ever had.
:'''Jeremy:''' The reason you're not going to remember any of this is- Return to the past, now!
&lt;hr width50%&gt;

===Distant Memory===
*Aelita's long-lost mother Anthea, appears in a nightmare and flashback, revealing that had been abducted by the men in black.
*Franz Hopper himself finally appears, as a white floating orb of white light, but has no lines.
*Team Lyoko realize that X.A.N.A.'s goal was to lure Franz Hopper out of hiding into the digital sea in order to destroy him once and for all.
*This marks the last appearances of Jeremie's father, Michael Belpois, and Ulrich's parents.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' Daddy? Where are you? &quot;There isn't much time.&quot; Time for what? &quot;See you in a minute, my dear&quot;? 
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' You know when I said how everything was the same as I remembered it, I meant it.
:'''Franz Hopper:''' I'm glad you like it.
:'''Aelita:''' Everything's here except for one little thing.
:'''Franz Hopper:''' Oh? And what's that?
:'''Aelita:''' My mother.
:'''Franz Hopper:''' But...you remember, dear. Your mother disappeared.
:'''Aelita:''' Yes and I want to see her again more than anything in the world, and you know that. You've always known. And since your a perfectionist you'd have had recreated her here in the simulation bubble. That is- Unless you weren't really my ''father!''
:'''Franz Hopper:''' &quot;Aelita!&quot;
:'''Aelita:''' &quot;Stay away from me, X.A.N.A.!&quot;
:'''William:''' &quot;Hello, Aelita.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;Something's fishy.&quot;
:'''Yumi:''' &quot;What if it was Hopper who contracted Aelita?&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;X.A.N.A.'s puled this on us before. I don't think Hopper would risk this with his own daughter. Aelita is somewhere in the Ice Sector. Huh? In a simulation bubble?&quot;
:'''Yumi:''' &quot;She's in a what?&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;A copy of a real world. A sort of ghost channel. Aelita's fallen into a trap.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''William:''' &quot;It doesn't matter. You'll lose no matter what, Aelita.&quot;
:'''Aelita:''' &quot;Not yet.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;It's pretty obvious.&quot;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;There he goes again.&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;You see, when Lyoko was destroyed, Hopper wasn't spread all over the network. He managed to escape.&quot;
:'''Yumi:''' &quot;He disappeared on purpose, is that it?&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;That's right. To get way from X.A.N.A. which is why he's constantly trying throw Aelita into the digital sea all the time. He knows that's the only way to get Hopper to come out of hiding.&quot;
:'''Ulrich:''' &quot;In order to destroy him.&quot;
:'''Aelita:''' &quot;As long as my father is alive, he'll always be a big threat to X.A.N.A.&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;And our friend X.A.N.A. knows it.&quot;

===Hard Luck===
*Thanks to Ulrich, the Desert Replica is destroyed, which further depletes X.A.N.A.'s strength.
*Yumi uses her telekinetic abilities for a fifth time in order to beat William.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yumi:''' In Japan people avoid anything to do with the number four because it sounds like the word for &quot;death.&quot;
&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' I don't believe this! Ulrich, Aelita just got devirtualized. It looks like you're on your own with the Kankerlots.
:'''Ulrich:''' Look, I know I'm good, but there are several of these creeps. I could go down on this and that'll blow the whole mission.
&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:(''Yumi just gets randomly devirtualized'')
:'''Jeremy:''' I can't believe how jinxed we are today.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' Ulrich, you want some good news?
:'''Ulrich:''' Yes.
:'''Jeremy:''' Sorry, don't have any. Long story short:
: You're still on your own, the tower still's activated, and you're probably gonna get that bug I can't fix.
:'''Ulrich:''' Is that all?
&lt;hr width50%&gt;

===Guided Missile===
&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:(''Taps Aelita on the shoulder'')
:'''William:''' I been expecting you.
&lt;hr width50%&gt;

===Kadic Bombshell===
===Canine Conundrum===
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:(''In the digital sea'')
:'''Odd:''' &quot;Yumi, where are you?&quot;
:'''Yumi:''' &quot;I can't shake the guy!&quot;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;Okay, Yumi, I'm with you! Hey, tall dark and handsome. You'll get anywhere with her if you don't back off a little. Take my advice: Give her some room.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:(''Gets accidentally devirtualized by Aelita's energy field'')
:'''Odd:''' &quot;Hey!&quot;
:'''William:''' &quot;Good shot, Aelita. Heh.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;Odd, Aelita just fell into the digital sea!&quot;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;Huh?&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' &quot;Did you expect my father to show up to bail me out? He won't be coming today. Surprise! I can duplicate myself, too.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' &quot;And when I saw how the Kiwis multiplied themselves, I decided to do the same. The rest was easy.&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;Aelita, you are truly amazing.&quot;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;And who do you guys thank?&quot;
:'''Ulrich:''' You?&quot;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;No. Kiwi. Who do you think reloaded my laser arrows?&quot;

===A Space Oddity===
*The replica of Carthage (Sector 5) appears and is successfully destroyed. Its quantum supercomputer was located in a satellite orbiting the Earth in outer space.
&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' I don't have to remind you that the more replicas we destroy, the more we weaken X.A.N.A.
:'''Odd:''' You don't have to remind us, Einstein. If we can find the new supercomputer, we might be able to know what's X.A.N.A.'s plotting.
:'''Jeremy:''' You'd get good grades if you as good as that in school.
&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' What do you think it's gonna be this time?
:'''Yumi:''' It could be a replica of the Ice Sector.
:'''Ulrich:''' My guess is Mountain. What do you think, Odd?
&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' What do you know? We were all wrong. Welcome to a replica of Sector 5.
&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Yumi:''' Hey, look at this, Odd.
:(''Able to see their own home world from out space'')
:'''Odd:''' Wow. Incredible.
:'''Yumi:''' Yes and yet it seems so fragile.
&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Odd:''' X.A.N.A.'s sure having a ball. And lots of 'em.
:'''Yumi:''' Stop the joking, Odd! Those things could reverse the teleportation! If we fail this mission, X.A.N.A. wins!

===Cousins Once Removed===
===Music Soothes the Savage Beast===
&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;Auto flight pattern and pincer slip.&quot;
:'''Yumi:''' &quot;What's that in English?&quot;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;Let's go.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;Nice one, Yumi.&quot;
:'''Yumi:''' &quot;Thank you. Ready for the tall dark bad guy?&quot;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;Uh, I think we have an audience.&quot;
&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Yumi:''' Odd, trampoline spinning top action!&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yumi:''' &quot;Auto flight pattern and pincer sleep.&quot;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;Are you speaking English?&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''William:''' &quot;It's game over, Yumi.&quot;
:''''Yumi:''' &quot;For you, too, Handsome.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===Wrong Exposure===
*Aelita's long-lost mother, who had debuted in flashbacks in the Season 2 finale &quot;The Key&quot;, is revealed to be named Anthea; &quot;Hopper&quot; being her maiden name. Franz Hopper's full name is Waldo Franz Shaceffer 
&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' Yeah. My former life.&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;What is it?&quot;
:'''Aelita:''' &quot;Nothing. Just a picture of me and my father.&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' You and your father? That's so great that you found it. Can I see it? You look so happy.
:'''Aelita:''' Unless it was the last photo taken with Daddy, just before...You know. Before...
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jim:''' You heard the principal, young lady! No more fun and games! 
&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' No, Delmas couldn't possible know me. My father may have been a teacher here, but I studied at home. So I never attended Kadic.
:'''Yumi:''' So, no chance of finding anything on &quot;Aelita Hopper.&quot;
:'''Aelita:''' No, none. Especially since my name isn't Hopper. Shaffer is my real name. When we moved to the Hermitage, my father wanted to make a brand new start. Franz was his middle name, Hopper is my mother's maiden name.
&lt;hr width50%&gt;

===Bad Connection===
*This is the first and final last appearance of Odd's parents, Mr and Mrs. della Robbia, from Norway.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ulrich:''' &quot;How does Odd manage to pilot this thing?&quot;
:'''Aelita:''' &quot;He's not afraid of falling.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Odd:''' &quot;I'm afraid.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
===Heart of Stone===
*The replica of the Mountain Region is revealed, its quantum supercomputer in the Rocky Mountains  
*Yumi utilizes her somewhat strengthene

===Cold Sweat===
*A replica of the Ice Sector first appears; its miniature quantum supercomputer is located in the snowy regions of [[w:Siberia|Siberia]].
*X.A.N.A. has finally succeeded in teleporting William to Earth, as well creating a new and more powerful monster- the mighty Kolossus.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' Jeremy.
:'''Jeremy:''' A problem?
:'''Aelita:''' This tower runs William's teleportation mode, and maybe several programs that X.A.N.A. uses to control him.
:'''Jeremy:''' And?
:'''Aelita:''' So if we hack into the data we could find a way to free William.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' Okay, Aelita. I got what I needed. You can enter the ''Code: LYOKO''.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' &quot;Jeremy, X.A.N.A.'s created a new kind of monster and he's gigantic! He could destroy the Skid in the fraction of a second!&quot;

===Down to Earth===
*William is successfully released from X.A.N.A.'s mind control.
*The Skidbladnir is destroyed by the mighty Kolossus.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yumi:''' Good news?
:'''Jeremy:''' Just a little. I finally figured a way to wipe out X.A.N.A.
:(''Aelita, Yumi. Odd and Ulrich are all shocked'')
&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' Odd, come on!
:(Has his circular purple shield to defend himself'')
:'''Odd:''' I'll hold them off! Get William home.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' It's entered, Jeremy.
&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' X.A.N.A. is drawing strength from all of the replicas. And I don't like that at all.
&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' Don't say that, Odd. X.A.N.A.'s just lost his most dangerous weapon: William.
:'''Yumi:''' In the meantime, we lost the Skid. It'll take months to program another one.
&lt;hr width50%&gt;

===Fight to the Finish===
*The Kolossus is defeated by Ulrich, who ends up being devirtualized immediately afterward.
*Sadly, Franz Hopper expires, due to the never-ceasing laser blasts of two Mantas. However, his ultimate sacrifice had provided Jeremy's multi-agent program enough energy to obliterate X.A.N.A. entirely, though only [[w:Code Lyoko: Evolution |temporarily]].
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' It's not fair for us to threat him like that. He's not our enemy now.
:'''Odd:''' Maybe not now but he was X.A.N.A.'s trusty ally.
:'''Aelita:''' Not of his own free will.
:'''Ulrich:''' But it was his fault, too. If he hadn't started playing the hero the Schypoza wouldn't have caught him.
:'''Aelita:''' The Scypozoa caught me, too, lots of times. And it could've happened to any of you.
&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Yumi:''' We're gonna get rid of X.A.N.A., Aelita.
:'''Aelita:''' No, it's not that. At least, not entirely. I got a- a premonition, that all of this is gonna have a bad ending.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' Anyway, what's all this about my father?
:'''Jeremy:''' Franz Hopper sent me some really important data and coordinates. He's preparing something on the Ice Sector, something really critical.
:'''Aelita:''' Critical in what way?
:'''Jeremy:''' I wish I knew. But if he suddenly decided to reappear I don't think it's just to say hello.
:'''Ulrich:''' He's gonna need an escort to protect him from X.A.N.A.'s monsters.
&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Ulrich:''' Yeah. You might be able to see your father again.
:'''Odd:''' And Ulrich can ask him how to get better grades in computer class.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Odd:''' Shield!
:'''Aelita:''' Energy Field!
:'''Odd:''' How's that for teamwork?
&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' Good work, you two. Uh oh! I don't like that. Holoweb system online! Oh no! Be careful! X.A.N.A.'s drawing energy from all the replicas to strengthen the Kolossus! Ulrich, you gotta find a way to slow up the process.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ulrich:''' I've just about reached his head! I'm gonna try something! Super Sprint!
&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' How is the data transfer doing?
:'''Jeremy:''' Nearly there. But you have to protect Hopper from the Kolossus.
:'''Odd:''' Thanks a lot. Did you happen to notice the size of that guy?
:'''Jeremy:''' I know Odd, but I absolutely gotta get that data 'cause- Oh no. Yes! No, it can't be possible.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' Jeremy, my father's heading or the digital sea. He...he disappeared.
:'''Jeremy:''' I know. But he sent me the data I needed to complete my...my anti-X.A.N.A. program.
:'''Odd:''' Say that again?
:'''Jeremy:''' You heard right. Thanks to this program I can destroy X.A.N.A.&quot;
:'''Ulrich:''' Well better hurry up and run the thing 'casue the Kolossus seems to be getting its strength back.&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' For it to work, you all gotta be in Sector Five. I can't do it alone.
:'''Odd:''' There's no way with the Kolossus on broad! As soon as he shows up he'll be playing ping pom with the transporter.
:'''Jeremy:''' Ulrich's on it.
:'''Odd:''' He's on it alright! Let's hope he doesn't fall off it!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' We're in the Celestial Dome.
:'''Jeremy:''' Perfect! I'm sending you the anti-X.A.N.A. program.
:'''Odd:''' Uh oh. Looks like we're in for a flying fish show.
:'''Jeremy:''' You there, Aelita?
:'''Aelita:''' Yes.
:'''Jeremy:''' Run the program right now!
:'''Odd:''' Well, is it working?
:'''Aelita:''' Jeremy, what's going on?
:'''Jeremy:''' Oh no! We haven't got enough power to run the program, and we're only a step away from beating X.A.N.A.!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' &quot;Daddy, no!! Energy Field!!&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;What is he trying to do? The power! Aelita trying running the program right now!&quot;
:'''Aelita:''' &quot;What!? But my father!&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;Your father is supplying the energy that we need. Try to run the program again! Now!
:'''Aelita:''' ''No!! No!''
:(''Hurls another energy field at the Mantas, but again misses, and the Mantas continue firing at her father'')
:'''Jeremy:''' Aelita, if you don't launch the program now, than your father will have sacrificed himself for nothing. Do it! ''Do it!''
:'''Aelita:''' ''No!''
:('' Furiously punches her hand on the interface, activating Jeremy's multi-agent system program at full power'')
:''Jeremy:''' Gone.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' Huh? The program is destroying all the replicas. X.A.N.A. is dying!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:(''After X.A.N.A.'s whole data has been thoroughly wiped from both Lyoko and the internet'')
:'''Jeremy:''' It can't be. But...it is.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' Aelita, we've done it. X.A.N.A.'s been destroyed. I'll bring you home now.

===Echoes===
*This is the epilogue of the 2D animated series, though followed by the cancelled, live-action sequel series, ''[[w:Code Lyoko: Evolution|Code Lyoko: Evolution]].''
*As this does not take place on Lyoko, Yumi's telekinesis and Tessen fans, Odd's laser arrows, Ulrich's sabers, and Aelita's energy fields and flying capabilities, are all seen in flashbacks
*Yumi and Ulrich's first kiss in the Desert Region of Lyoko, in &quot;Routine,&quot; is referenced
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jeremy:''' Well, it'll all be over this time. Do any of you wanna say something?
:'''Yumi:''' We've had our ups and downs, hours of detention, hours of glory-the five of us. I've gotten used to life with Lyoko. Now it's time for new life without it.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Odd:''' Without Lyoko life's gonna be awfully boring, don't you think?
:'''Ulrich:''' Boring? Finally having time for music and sports is not exactly what I'd call boring.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Odd:''' What about you? Why didn't you want to shut the supercomputer down? And don't give me Jim's &quot;I'd rather not talk about it&quot; routine.
:(''After flashing back to his fond memories as a dutiful Lyoko Warrior'')
:'''Ulrich:''' I like being a hero.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' Jeremy, I wanted to talk to you about the supercomputer. I-
:'''Jeremy:''' No need to explain, Aelita. I know exactly why you voted the way you did.
:'''Aelita:''' If we shut down the machine, it means saying goodbye to my past, and to my father.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Young Aelita:''' &quot;Daddy! I'm going up to my room.&quot;
:'''Past Franz:''' &quot;See you in a minute, Honey.&quot;
:'''Young Aelita:''' &quot;See you in a minute, Daddy.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Aelita:''' &quot;All of this is so terrible and great at the same time, but...but...&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' But now it's time to move on to something new?
:'''Aelita:''' Yes. Something more carefree.
:'''Jeremy:''' I'm starting to think that way, too, Aelita. You know, when you think that after all we did and no one is ever gonna know anything about it.
:'''Sissi:''' &quot;I know everything!!&quot;
:'''Jeremy:''' &quot;Huh?
:'''Sissi:''' Wait until I tell my father!!&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Sissi:''' You shouldn't scold them, you should lock all of them up!! Their lunatics! They put the whole world in danger!!
:'''Jeremy:''' You can't go in now- We just...!
:'''Sissi:''' Ah ha! Jeremy, who's the smart one now that I'm to your little secret? Don't feel like making fun of me now, do you, Odd!!?
:'''Mr. Delmas:''' Elizabeth, that is enough!
:'''Sissi''' (''speaking really fast'')''':''' Listen to me! I'm serious! For years they've been fighting a dangerous [[w:artificial intelligence|computer program]] in a virtual world!! They put their own lives in danger and ours, too! Barbecue of them, the school was invaded by killer drones, killer bugs, and even a deadly giant teddy bear! Even you, my sweet little Daddy was possessed by the program!! You thought against Ulrich on the bridge to the old factory! Luckily I was there and I was able to knock you out, but other times I could've been killed!! I was violently attacked by electric cables, almost drowned in the elevator, then a crazy teacher possessed my body so he could have a long conversation with them!! ''Don't you understand what I'm trying to say!!'' Let me go! Yo got to go to the factory!!&quot;
:'''Mr. Delmas:''' Yes, yes, darling, later. Right now, you obviously need some rest.&quot;
:'''Sissi:''' ''You have to stop them!! X.A.N.A. and his robot army are going to destroy the planet!!''
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yumi:''' What's wrong? Where are the others?
:'''Ulrich:''' At the factory. Jeremy's gotta launch a return to the past- the last one.
:'''Yumi:''' What about you, Ulrich? Still against shutting down the supercomputer?
:'''Ulrich:''' Well, I don't really know.
:'''Yumi:''' Oh yes you do.
:'''Ulrich:''' It's just been so great. I don't want it end.
:'''Yumi:''' There'll be plenty of other good times, even without Lyoko.
:'''Ulrich:''' Promise?
:'''Yumi:''' I swear.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

==Characters==
===Main===
*Jeremie Belpois
*Aelita Hopper-Shaffer  (&quot;Stones&quot;)
*Ulrich Stern 
*Odd Della Robbia
*Yumi Ishiyama 
*William Dunbar ( Season 4, ''Code LYOKO: Evolution'' and ''Code LYOKO: Rebirth'')

===Recurring===
*Jim Morales
*Jean-Pierre Delmas 
*Sissie Delmas
*Herb (seasons 1, 2, 3, 4)
*Nicolas (Seasons 1, 2, 3, 4)
*Milly (Seasons 1, 2, 3 and 4)
*Tamiya (Seasons 1, 2, 3 and 4)
*William Dunbar (Seasons 2, 3 and 4)
*Laura Gauthier (''Code Lyoko: Evolution''; 12 Episodes)
*Hiroki Ishiyama (Seasons 2, 3 and 4)

===Supporting===
*Samantha Knight (&quot;Rock Bottom?&quot; and &quot;Final Round&quot;)
*Talia (&quot;The Girl of the Dreams&quot;)
*Waldo Franz Shaffer/Franz Hopper (Seasons 2, 3, 4, 5 &amp; 6; 10 Episodes)
*Anthea Hopper (Seasons 2, 4, 5 and 6; 7 Episodes)
*Emily (Seasons 1 and 2)
*Heidi Clinger (Seasons 1, 2, 3 and 4)
*Michael Belpois (&quot;Franz Hopper&quot; and &quot;Distant Memory&quot;)
*Mr. and Mrs. Ishiyama (Seasons 1, 2 and 4)
*Mrs. Stern (Seasons 1 and 4; 2 Episodes)
*Mr. Stern (Seasons 1, 3 &amp; 4; 3 Episodes)
*Mr. and Mrs. Della Robbia (&quot;Bad Connection&quot;)
*Laura Gauthier (''Code LYOKO: Evolution'' and ''Code LYOKO: Rebirth'')

===Villains===
*X.A.N.A.
**Polymorphic Specters (Seasons 2-5)
**Bloks
**Megatanks 
**Hornets 
**Mantas (Seasons 2-6)
**Tarantulas (Seasons 2-5)
**Scyphozoa (Seasons 2-5)
**Congers (''Code LYOKO: Evolution'')
*Professor Lowell Tyron (''Code LYOKO: Evolution'' and ''Code LYOKO: Rebirth'')
**The Ninjas (''Code LYOKO: Evolution'' and ''Code LYOKO: Rebirth'')

==Lyoko Weapons==
===Aelita Hopper-Shaffer===
*Energy Fields (gains in the Season 3 premiere &quot;Straight to Heart&quot;)

===Odd della Robbia===
*Laser Arrows
===Ulrich Stern===
*[[w:Katana|Katana]] (gains a second in Season 4)
===William Dunbar===
*Zeillander (gained in the Season 3 finale, &quot;Final Round&quot;)
===Yumi Ishiyama===
*[[w:Tessen Fan|Tessen Fan]] (gains a second one in &quot;New Order&quot;)
*[[w:Bo |Bo Staff]] (''[[w:Code Lyoko: Evolution|Code Lyoko: Evolution]]'' &amp; ''Code LYOKO: Rebirth'')

==Weapon Upgrades and Modifications==
===Ulrich===
*Energy Wave (gained and last in &quot;Franz Hopper)
*Energy Beam (gained and lost, while controlled by X.A.N.A. in &quot;Nobody in Particular&quot;)

===Odd===
*Enhanced Marksmanship/Homing Effect (gained and lost in &quot;Franz Hopper&quot;)
===Yumi===
*Enhanced Marksmanship/Homing Effect (gained and lost in &quot;Franz Hopper&quot;)
===William===
*Energy Disc (Season 4 &amp; ''Code LYOKO: Evolution'' &amp; ''Code LYOKO: Rebirth'')

==Lyoko [[w:list of superhuman features and abilities in fiction |Abilities]]==
===Aelita Shaffer===
*Tower Deactivation
*Creativity
*[[w:Second Sight|Second Sight]] (Seasons 1, 2, 3 and 5)
*Winged Flight (Season 4, ''Code Lyoko: Evolution'' &amp; ''Code LYOKO: Rebirth'')

===Odd della Robbia===
*[[w:Premonition |Future Flash]] (Season 1; 4 Episodes &amp; ''Code LYOKO: Rebirth'')
*Superhuman Climbing/Cat Climb
*Enhanced Sense of Direction
*Feline Execution 
*Time Control (''Quest for Infinity'')
*Tower Deactivation (gained and lost in ''Code Lyoko: Evolution'')
*Short-Range Teleportation (gained and lost in &quot;Triple Trouble&quot;)
*Shield (Seasons 2, 3, 4, 6)

===William Dunbar===
*Levitation
*Super Smoke (Season 4 and ''Code Lyoko: Evolution'')
*Enhanced Eyesight

===Ulrich Stern===
*[[w:Superhuman Speed|Super Sprint]]
*Triplicate 
*Triangulate (Seasons 1, 2, 3)
*[[w:Superhuman Reflexes|Superhuman Reflexes]]
*Superhuman Agility
*Tower Deactivation (in ''Code Lyoko: Evolution'')

===Yumi Ishiyama===
*[[w:Telekinesis|Telekinesis]] (1, 2, 3, 4, 6)
*Enhanced Balance
*Superhuman Agility
*[[w:Superhuman Reflexes|Superhuman Reflexes]]
*Tower Deactivation (in ''Code Lyoko: Evolution'' &amp; ''Code LYOKO: Rebirth'')

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Code Lyoko}}
* {{imdb title|id=0417311|title=Code Lyoko}}
* [http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v80/Karoru/CodeLyoko/ Super Karoru's Code Lyoko Image Gallery]
* [http://www.codelyokoforums.com/ Code Lyoko Forums, Videos, Games and More]

[[Category:2000s French animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Computer-animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Anime-influenced Western animated TV shows]]
[[Category:French children's animated action TV shows]]
[[Category:French children's animated adventure TV shows]]
[[Category:French children's animated drama TV shows]]
[[Category:French children's animated science fiction TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:France 3 shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about robots]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about children]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Dinosaurs (TV series)</title>
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    <id>20405</id>
    <revision>
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      <parentid>3127496</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T22:15:39Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* External links */ r/m Template:Tv.com show</comment>
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      <text bytes="35855" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Dinosaurs (TV series)|Dinosaurs]]''''' is an American sitcom created by [[w:Walt Disney Television|Walt Disney Television]] and [[w:The Jim Henson Company|The Jim Henson Company]]. It was broadcast from April 1991 to October 1994 on [[w:American Broadcasting Company|ABC]]. In May 2006, seasons 1 and 2 were released as a single set. The show was about the lives of a family of [[Dinosauria|dinosaur]]s as a satire on modern American life.

__NOTOC__
{| width=&quot;90%&quot; class=&quot;wikitable&quot; style=&quot; clear:both; &quot;
|-
| colspan=&quot;6&quot; align=&quot;center&quot; | '''''Dinosaurs episodes'''''
|-
! width=&quot;25%&quot; align=&quot;center&quot; style=&quot; background-color: #CCCCFF; &quot; | '''[[#Season 1|Season 1]]'''
! width=&quot;25%&quot; align=&quot;center&quot; style=&quot; background-color: #CCCCFF; &quot; | '''Season 2'''
! width=&quot;25%&quot; align=&quot;center&quot; style=&quot; background-color: #CCCCFF; &quot; | '''Season 3'''
! width=&quot;25%&quot; align=&quot;center&quot; style=&quot; background-color: #CCCCFF; &quot; | '''Season 4 (First Half)'''
|-
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;[[#The Mighty Megalosaurus|The Mighty Megalosaurus]]&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;[[#The Golden Child|The Golden Child]]&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;Nature Calls&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;Monster Under the Bed&quot;
|-
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;[[#The Mating Dance|The Mating Dance]]&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;[[#Family Challenge|Family Challenge]]&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;Dirty Dancin'&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;Earl, Don't Be a Hero&quot;
|-
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;[[#Hurling Day|Hurling Day]]&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;[[#I Never Ate for My Father|I Never Ate for My Father]]&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | 
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;Driving Miss Ethyl&quot;
|-
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;[[#The Howling|The Howling]]&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;Endangered Species&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;The Discovery&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;Earl's Big Jackpot&quot;
|-
| align=&quot;center&quot; | 
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;Employee of the Month&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;Little Boy Boo&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;The Terrible Twos&quot;
|-
| align=&quot;center&quot; | 
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;[[When Food Goes Bad]]&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;Germ Warfare&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;[[#Changing Nature|Changing Nature]]&quot;
|-
| align=&quot;center&quot; | 
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;[[#Career Opportunities|Career Opportunities]]&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;[[Hungry for Love]]&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | 
|-
| align=&quot;center&quot; | 
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;Unmarried ... With Children&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;License to Parent&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; style=&quot; background-color: #CCCCFF; &quot; | '''Season 4 (Second Half)'''
|-
| align=&quot;center&quot; | 
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;How to Pick Up Girls&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;Charlene's Flat World&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;Into The Woods&quot;
|-
| align=&quot;center&quot; | 
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;Switched at Birth&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;Wilderness Weekend&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;Scent of a Reptile&quot;
|-
| align=&quot;center&quot; | 
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;Refrigerator Day&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;The Son Also Rises&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;Working Girl&quot;
|-
| align=&quot;center&quot; | 
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;What &quot;Sexual&quot; Harris Meant&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;Getting to Know You&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;Variations on a Theme Park&quot;
|-
| align=&quot;center&quot; | 
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;Fran Live&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;Green Card&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;Earl and Pearl&quot;
|-
| align=&quot;center&quot; | 
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;Power Erupts&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;Out of the Frying Pan&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;Life in the Faust Lane&quot;
|-
| align=&quot;center&quot; | 
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;The Clip Show&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;Out of the Frying Pan&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;Georgie Must Die!&quot;
|-
| align=&quot;center&quot; | 
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;A New Leaf&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;Honey, I Miss the Kids&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | 
|-
| align=&quot;center&quot; | 
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;The Last Temptation of Ethyl&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;Honey, I Miss the Kids&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | 
|-
| align=&quot;center&quot; | 
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;[[#Nuts to War (part 1)|Nuts to War (part 1)]]&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;If I Were a Tree&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | 
|-
| align=&quot;center&quot; | 
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;Nuts to War (part 2)&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;We Are Not Alone&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | 
|-
| align=&quot;center&quot; | 
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;And the Winner Is...&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;Charlene and Her Amazing Humans&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; style=&quot; background-color: #DDDDDD; &quot; | '''Misc.'''
|-
| align=&quot;center&quot; | 
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;Slave to Fashion&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;The Clip Show II&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#Repeated lines and catch phrases|Repeated lines]]
|-
| align=&quot;center&quot; | 
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;Leader of the Pack&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | 
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#Characters|Characters]]
|-
| align=&quot;center&quot; | 
| align=&quot;center&quot; | &quot;WESAYSO Knows Best&quot;
| align=&quot;center&quot; | 
| align=&quot;center&quot; | [[#External links|External links]]
|-
|}
&lt;p style=&quot; font-size: smaller; &quot;&gt;*These episodes were not aired during the original showing of season 4 but were later shown in syndication.&lt;/p&gt;

Megalosaurus

==Season 2==

===The Golden Child===
:''[Earl walks into the living room and sees Robbie and Charlene watching TV while the baby is alone in the kitchen.]''
:'''Earl''': Morning, kids. What are you doing?
:'''Robbie''': Watching the baby.
:'''Earl''': Nice to see you you're accepting more responsibility.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Earl''' ''[to the Elders]'': Please don't make me bite off my own head. I was practicing in the lobby, and it just wasn't happening.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Elder''' ''[reading from the ''Sacred Book of Dinosaur'']'': ...and his father [Earl] shall be courageous and wise.
:''[Earl chuckles]''
:'''Elder''' ''[to another Elder]'': Give me the [[w:Wite-Out|Wite-Out]].
:''[Elder edits the sacred book]''
:'''Elder''' ''[reading from the (revised) ''Sacred Book of Dinosaur'']'': ...father shall be a blithering idiot.
:'''Earl''': Can he do that?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Robbie is refusing to help manage the people coming to see the new king (Baby)]''
:'''Robbie''': Those dinosaurs out there are just sheep.
:'''Earl''': Have you noticed that some of those sheep are cheerleaders?
:''[Robbie runs outside to help.]''

===Family Challenge===

:'''Howard Handupme''': A meteor watch has been put into effect throughout the [[w:Pangaea|Pangean]] panhandle. Scientists have specifically pinpointed this particular house as the point of probable impact.
:''[A picture of the Sinclair house appears on the tv screen]''
:'''Earl''': Come on, come on! What does this have to do with me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Earl is talking to the insurance agent about the cost of replacing the tv]''
:'''Earl''': Don't try to cheat me on this! 'Cause I know you insurance guys, you have absolutely no ethics.
:'''Insurance Agent''': Well, how much would you say your television is worth?
:'''Earl''': Ten thousand dollars. Good thing I popped for that extra meteor coverage, huh?
:'''Insurance Agent''': For us, yes. But if you refer to that large bound volume we sent you labeled &quot;exclusions&quot;, you'll find that a [[w:meteor|meteor]] is only a meteor until it enters the Earth's atmosphere, at which time it become a [[w:Meteorite|meteor''ite'']].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Earl''': As you can see, I have separated all known dinosaur wisdom into three categories:  &quot;Animal, vegetable, rocks.&quot;
:'''Robbie''': Well, what about fire?
:'''Earl''': Vegetable.
:'''Charlene''': What about water?
:'''Earl''': Water is the opposite of fire, which we have previously established as a vegetable.  What's the opposite of a vegetable?  Fruit.  So water is a fruit.  Fruit is not a vegetable, so it has to be either an animal or a rock.  We know it's not an animal.  Therefore, fruit is a rock.
:'''Charlene''': Daddy, I asked you about water.
:'''Earl''': Could we hold all questions until the end of the lecture, please?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Baby''' ''[pointing the remote at Earl]'': Not the TV!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Charlene''': I'm used to being embarrassed by you guys on a local level, I don't know how I feel about being humiliated nationally.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Earl''': And what makes ''you'' the Ancient History expert?
:'''Ethyl''': I was there.

===I Never Ate for My Father===

:'''Ethyl''': Television is responsible for the utter degradation of our society. We should write a letter.
:'''Fran''': Mom? Get a life.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Earl''': If your mother can take the time kill this dinner, you can take the time to eat it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Robbie leaves the table, refusing to eat meat]''
:'''Earl''': Charlene, you are now my son.
:'''Charlene''': Thanks Daddy. Can I have money for lipstick?
:'''Earl''': Of course, son.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Earl''': I shoulda shown [Robbie] the beauty of killing small things.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Bob Dylan|Bob Dylan]]-like Singer''':
:''Has anybody here''
:''Seen my old friend [[w:Bambi|Bambi]]'s mother?''
:''Can you tell me where she's done?''
:''She fed a lot of people''
:''But the tasty, they die young.''
:''Just like antelope, mutton, and Bambi's mom.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Earl is telling Robbie about his father.]''
:'''Earl''': He expected me to live in the woods, have kids in the mud, eat my mate and die in pieces. And you know? That was okay for him. But I wanted better.

===Charlene's Tale===
:'''Earl''': It doesn't take a genius to figure that out.
:'''Ethyl''': Then you're the guy for the job.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Earl''' ''[to Fran]'': It's not [Charlene's] tail. Cause that would be a female problem, and she isn't a female yet, so she doesn't have a problem. Which if she did, we wouldn't discuss it in front of the son!
:'''Robbie''': Fine, I'll leave.
:'''Earl''': I'll go with you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Earl punches Roy]''
:'''Roy''': Hey! Earl, I don't want to pry into your personal business, but is something bothering you?
:'''Earl''': Not that I'm aware of.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Charlene''': Mom, you said you were the last one in your class to get your tail. How did you handle it?
:'''Fran''': Oh, well... that was a long time ago, and I'm sure I handled it with grace and dignity.
:'''Ethyl''': She tried to throw herself off the roof.
:'''Fran''': Mother!
:'''Ethyl''': Of course, you weighed 2800 pounds, so the roof collapsed. She fell right through onto Grandpa Louie, who was cleaning his pipe at the time. We never found the pipe, but Grandpa Louie walked funny after that...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Earl is putting the uneaten food back into the refrigerator]''
:'''Food''': And don't be putting me in no vegetable bin. I wake up in the vegetable bin, I'll come out and kick you big flabby dinosaur butt all up and down the super-continent!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Earl''' ''[to Charlene]'': I don't think nature knows what it's doing. What I think you need is something to protect you from nature.
:'''Charlene''': You mean, like a father?
:'''Earl''': Well, actually, I was thinking more like a machine gun. But I guess a father would do in a pinch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Earl''': How'd I do, Fran?
:'''Fran''': Well, &quot;not the mama&quot;, but you'll do in a pinch.

===Endangered Species===
:''[Robbie is writing an essay; the Grapdelites pop out of their box]''
:'''Grapdelite 1''': Shouldn't you be hiding us?
:'''Grapdelite 2''': Can't you see he's thinking?
:'''Grapdelite 1''': I'm merely reminding him of his responsibility to his father. Now, be quiet!
:'''Robbie''': Hey, I'm trying to write a paper here! Okay?
:'''Grapdelite 2''': We've offended him!
:'''Grapdelite 1''': What's your paper about?
:'''Grapdelite 2''': Oh, it's none of our business!
:'''Robbie''': It's a social studies paper, and it's not going very well. ''[shows the Grapdelites his paper]''
:'''Grapdelite 1''': &quot;Why dinosaurs rule the Earth? We're big.&quot;
:'''Robbie''': Yeah, that really bites, doesn't it?
:'''Grapdelite 2''': Well, there's certainly no denying that size allows the dinosaur to have almost unlimited benefits.
:'''Grapdelite 1''': Of course, the duality of nature dictates that for every benefit, there must be a cost.
:'''Grapdelites''': ''[together]'' Don't you agree?
:'''Robbie''': Oh, well, I, uh...
:'''Grapdelite 1''': We've lost him.
:'''Grapdelite 2''': So try an illustration.
:'''Grapdelite 1''': Of course. ''[to Robbie]'' Why is it good to be big?
:'''Robbie''': Well, we get to eat whoever we want. Uh, no offense.
:'''Grapdelite 1''': Oh, none taken.
:'''Grapdelite 2''': However, if we don't plan for the future, there won't be anymore food. That would be the cost.
:'''Robbie''': What do you mean &quot;no more food&quot;? There's always more, that's what &quot;more&quot; means.
:'''Grapdelite 1''': Oh, dear... ''[pulls out a bunch of grapes from the box]'' 
:'''Grapdelite 2''': Imagine that these are all the grapes in the world.
:'''Robbie''': Um, yeah, so?
:'''Grapdelite 1''': Now, suppose that you eat all the grapes.
:'''Robbie''': Hm, okay. ''[eats the grapes in one gulp]'' Okay, now what?
:'''Grapdelite 2''': Now, suppose you want grapes tomorrow.
:'''Robbie''': Well, I'll go the market and get some.
:'''Grapdelite 2''': But those were all the grapes in the world.
:'''Robbie''': Well, then I'll have to eat something else.
:'''Grapdelite 1''': Oh, well, you rule the world.
:'''Grapdelite 2''': A world without grapes.
:'''Robbie''': So you're saying that if we eat them all, there won't be anymore.
:'''Grapdelite 1''': I think he understands...
:'''Robbie''': Ha! I can stretch that to 500 words easy!
:'''Grapdelite 1''': Or maybe he doesn't..
:'''Robbie''': You guys can help me with my homework everyday, or at least until Mom and Dad's anniversary.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[B.P. Richfield overhears Earl having Grapdelites for his 20th anniversary and orders him to come to his office]''
:'''Earl''': You wanted to see me, my captain?
:'''B.P. Richfield''': I hear you got your 20th anniversary coming up, Sinclair!
:'''Earl''': How suspiciously cordial of you to take an interest, sir.
:'''B.P. Richfield''': And the wife's probably lookin' forward to that Grapdelite dinner, right?
:'''Earl''': I'm sure she is, sure.
:'''B.P. Richfield''': Yeah, a little wine, candlelight, and those Grapdelites gonna taste so sweet and satisfyin'! Mmm-mmm! You and the wife will probably look each other in the eye and tell each other how very much in love you still are, and who knows? Maybe you'll take a little trip upstairs and... ''[they both crack up laughing until Richfield bangs his desk, resuming his serious mood]'' '''''THAT'S NOT HAPPENIN'!!!!'''''
:'''Earl''': It's not?
:'''B.P. Richfield''': I WANT THOSE GRAPDELITES!!!
:'''Earl''': What?!
:'''B.P. Richfield''': They're my favorite food, Sinclair! Everybody's out of'em, you got'em, I want'em! You don't give'em to me, I'm gonna bite off your head!
:'''Earl''': B-b-b-but I can't give them to your, sir. They're for my wife. If she didn't get them, she'd be very unhappy.
:'''B.P. Richfield''': How much is your wife's happiness worth to you, Sinclair?
:'''Earl''': Well, I see what you're getting at there, sir... uh, Mr. Richfield, but no amount of money is worth taking this away from my wife. My wife's happiness means the world to me.
:'''B.P. Richfield''': Here's $50.
:'''Earl''': It's a small world after all. But with all due respect, you know, there is the matter of my own personal dignity, sir. You only get one 20th anniversary, and if I sell you by Grapdelites, how much is my personal dignity worth?
:'''B.P. Richfield''': I got another $23 for your personal dignity.
:'''Earl''': That should cover it. ''[takes the money]'' And what about my self-respect?
:'''B.P. Richfield''': I think we've taken care of that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Robbie comes back from school in a bad mood]''
:'''Robbie''': ''[to the Grapdelites]'' Thanks for everything. I got an F. ''[throws his notebook close to the Grapdelites]''
:'''Grapdelite 2''': Oh, careful!
:'''Robbie''': Oh, sorry. I didn't see you.
:'''Grapdelite 1''': He seems distressed.
:'''Grapdelite 2''': I hope it's nothing we've done.
:'''Robbie''': &quot;Why dinosaurs ruled the Earth?&quot; And I wrote a whole essay about what you guys said about how we're too wise to eat all the grapes. Look what the teacher wrote. ''[shows the Grapdelites his paper]''
:'''Grapdelite 1''': &quot;There'll always be more grapes. That's what 'more' means.&quot;
:'''Grapdelites''': An F?!
:'''Grapdelite 2''': But just because the teacher doesn't understand doesn't mean you failed.
:'''Grapdelite 1''': Oh, no!
:'''Robbie''': Stanly Kravitz got an A.
:'''Grapdelite 1''': Well, what did he write?
:'''Robbie''': He wrote, &quot;Because we're big.&quot; That was my answer! I had the right answer, and I let you guys talk me out of it! Why did I let you talk me out of it?
:'''Grapdelite 2''': Because it's wrong.
:'''Robbie''': Yeah, but the teacher thinks it's right.
:'''Grapdelite 1''': Well, what if the teacher's wrong?
:'''Robbie''': Yeah, right. &quot;What if the teacher's wrong?&quot; I tried that on my parents all the time and it never works. Anyway, the teacher said there would be enough grapes and there would always be enough of everything, then she called me a radical!
:'''Grapdelite 1''': But there's not gonna be always enough of everything?
:'''Robbie''': Ah, leave me alone. I already flunked once, and that's what I get for letting food do my homework.
:''[the Grapdelites gasp]''
:'''Grapdelite 1''': Robbie, we're the last two grapes!
:'''Robbie''': What?!
:'''Grapdelite 2''': That's why they can't find anymore of us, they're aren't any.
:'''Grapdelite 1''': We're the last of our kind.
:'''Robbie''': How can that be?
:'''Grapdelite 2''': Because we're delicious. ''[Robbie and the Grapdelites chuckle]''
:'''Robbie''': My parents are gonna eat you tomorrow night and there won't be anymore of you at all!
:'''Grapdelite 2''': Oh, boy. What a blow to your teacher.
:'''Robbie''': You guys should try to escape or something.
:'''Grapdelite 1''': No, no, we need to help you with your paper.
:'''Grapdelite 2''': It's very important.
:'''Grapdelite 1''': Yes, very.
:'''Robbie''': But this is your last night on Earth. Forget the paper! The assignment is over!
:'''Grapdelite 2''': No, it's not. Not if you don't the answer yet.
:'''Grapdelite 1''': No, no. Here, Robbie. Try it again.
:'''Robbie''': Alright.
:'''Grapdelite 1''': Now, why do dinosaurs rule the Earth?
:'''Robbie''': Why?
:'''Earl''': Robbie!
:'''Grapdelite 1''': That's your father!
:'''Grapdelite 2''': Happy anniversary!
:'''Robbie''': Shh! ''[hides the Grapdelites under a blanket]''
:'''Earl''': ''[steps into the room]'' Robbie, give me the Grapdelites.

===Career Opportunities===
:[''Earl is watching television, dejectedly, after becoming disillusioned with his job'']
:'''TV''': Why are you stuck in a boring dead-end job?
:'''Earl''': I don't know.
:'''TV''': Why does your boss always yell at you?
:'''Earl''': Can't figure it out.
:'''TV''': Why is your life such a complete mess?
:'''Earl''': Will you stop pickin' on me?
:'''TV''': Why ask 'Why'?  Drink alcohol!  Nobody likes a thinker!  You may not be able to change your life, but you can change the way you look at it.  Alcohol.  The more you drink, the less you think!

===What Sexual Harris Meant===

:'''Fran''': Earl, Monica needs a job, and there's going to be an opening down at work, right?
:'''Earl''': Right.
:'''Fran''': So...
:'''Earl''': So? So? Fran, will you stop talking in riddles?
:'''Fran''': I want you to take Monica to work and get her interview with Mr. Richfield.
:'''Earl''': A female tree-pusher? You can't be serious! It's ludicrous! I'd be a laughingstock!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Earl''': Mr. Richfield?
:'''B.P. Richfield''': What?!
:'''Earl''': There's someone I'd like you to meet.
:'''B.P. Richfield''': ''[looks out the window of his trailer and sees Monica]'' Well, you brought me a female, eh, Sinclair?
:'''Earl''': Well, I, uh...
:'''B.P. Richfiend''': That's mighty nice, but I already got a wife. Nice gesture, though.
:'''Earl''': Oh, thank you, but, she's here for the... ''[very quickly]'' tree-pusher job.
:'''B.P. Richfield''': ''[jumps in shock]'' WHAT?! A FEMALE TREE-PUSHER?! YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS!! IT'S LUDICROUS!! YOU'RE A LAUGHINGSTOCK!!
:'''Earl''': Just as I predicted! So, should I tell her to go away?
:'''B.P. Richfield''': It's too late now. We're an equal opportunity employer. We got strict guidelines about this sort of thing. We can't just send her away. ''[looks into manual]'' Let's see. Ah, here it is. &quot;Interviewing a female obligate: smile a lot, compliment her handbag, then send her away.&quot;
:'''Earl''': Well, she can't ask for more than that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[As Monica has her interview with B.P. Richfield]''
:'''B.P. Richfield''': My, that's a lovely handbag.
:'''Monica''': Excuse me?
:'''B.P. Richfield''': I was just complimentin' your handbag.
:'''Monica''': I don't have a handbag. I don't have hands.
:'''B.P. Richfield''': Well, then, let me compliment your lovey... ''[Earl points to Monica's necklace]'' Neck! ''[Earl makes a small sign]'' Small. Neck-small. My, my, that's a lovely neck-small.
:'''Monica''': ''[a bit offended]'' Thank you.
:''[Earl points to his ears]''
:'''B.P. Richfield''': Uh, sounds like a... ''[Earl points to himself]'' Moron? ''[Earl groans in frustration]'' '''''WHAT?!?'''''
:'''Earl''': Necklace!
:'''B.P. Richfield''': Necklace! Necklace! M-m-my, that's a lovely necklace!
:'''Monica''': Excuse me, but what does my necklace have to do with getting this job?
:'''B.P. Richfield''': It's just that you're such a dainty little thing, and tree-pushin' requires such strength, and a large degree of technical knowledge.
:'''Monica''': I'm sure it's way over my head, but hypothetically, will I be knocking down trees like those outside?
:'''B.P. Richfield''': Aw, come on! I already said you have a nice necklace, now take it own outta here!
:'''Monica''': Oh! ''[shakes her head, causing the entire trailer to shake]''
:'''B.P. Richfield''': When can ya start?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Monica easily knocks down a tree]''
:'''Al &quot;Sexual&quot; Harris''': Well, that's not bad, but you left a few of the roots there, sweetheart. Now, if you wanna get somewhere in this job, you gotta be willing to go all the way, if we're on the same track.
:'''Monica''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Al &quot;Sexual&quot; Harris''': Well, I'm just sayin' if you wanna make points with the foreman, it's gonna take a lot of late nights, if you hear what I'm sayin'.
:'''Monica''': Let's just confine our comments to the job!
:'''Al &quot;Sexual&quot; Harris''': Now, now, just relax, you're too tense. Whadya say we go out for a few brews, and later on I'll jump on your scales and you can tell me how much I weigh, if you know what I mean. 
:'''Monica''': No!
:'''Al &quot;Sexual&quot; Harris''': What do you mean no?!
:'''Monica''': I mean no! I'm not interested! I find the things you talk about personally offensive, and I hope this doesn't interfere with my being able to work here.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[during the hearing]''
:'''Mr. Otto Lynch''': I have over a hundred witnesses that will testify that for the past 22 years, you have in fact been a prostitute!
:'''Monica''': I have not!
:'''Mr. Otto Lynch''': Oh, sorry. My mistake, everyone here the word prostitute?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ethyl''': I can't believe they use that kind of language on television. Don't they know that kids are watching?
:'''Fran''': Mother, this is an important real-life event. This will make the kids think.
:'''Ethyl''': I don't want the kids to think. I want the kids to watch safe little situation comedies, with time-tested repetitive storylines.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mr. John Wolfe''': You're obviously a very attractive female. Would you please describe for us what your were wearing in the time of the incident? Was it seductive or revealing?
:'''Monica''': It was a hardhat and a work shirt, and I don't appreciate the insinuation that I somehow asked for this type of behavior.
:'''Mr. John Wolfe''': I'm insinuating no such thing. Now, could you please describe for us in detail what kind of underwear you have on at the moment?
:'''Monica''': I don't understand how that's relevant.
:'''Mr. John Wolfe''': Well, ma'am, if you understood the relevancy of it, you'd be a male!
:''[the chairmen crack up laughing]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mr. Mason Dixon''': Look, sweet cheeks, ain't this whole thing a part of some twisted sexual fantasy of yours? A fantasy that might also include being alone on a deserted island? Yes, yes... One with scores of scantily-clad young females and they're smearin' marmalade all over ya and...
:'''B.P. Richfield''': Mr. Dixon!
:'''Mr. Mason Dixon''': Could I have a moment please?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Earl has been sworn in to read a fake speech in order to discredit Monica]''
:'''Earl''': ''[reading the speech]'' &quot;And let that be known that Foreman Harris is a great guy. Monica's been a troublemaker as long as I've known, and I'm pretty sure she cheats on her taxes. Stop here, look up, smile.&quot; ''[does exactly what the paper says]''
:'''B.P. Richfield''': Thank you for your candor, Mr. Sinclair.
:'''Earl''': Oh, and another thing: I don't see why she ever needed a job. A female's place is in the home, taking orders from her husband. In the Sinclair household, when I say jump, my wife says how high. ''[realizes Fran is standing behind him]'' Hi!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Fran''': I watched on TV what you said about Monica, and it's not the Monica I know. She's an honest, responsible individual who would never mislead anybody.
:'''Mr. Otto Lynch''': And we'd like to believe your testimony, Mrs. Sinclair. However, I have evidence that when you were just a young girl, you lived with this older man! ''[shows a picture of a male dinosaur]'' Without benefit of marriage!
:'''Fran''': That's my father!
:''[Earl dons a fake glasses and mustache]''
:'''Mr. Mason Dixon''': All the more disgusting!
:'''Earl''': ''[in a German accent]'' Fran, is this true?
:'''Fran''': Are you all insane?!
:'''Mr. Otto Lynch''': Oh, it gets worse, Mrs. Sinclair. I also have a picture of you sitting on his lap!
:''[Fran facepalms and groans in frustration]''

===Nuts to War (part 1)===
:[''Baby is crying because a mouse like creature ate his cookie'']
:'''Fran''': No, crying isn't going to help.
:'''Baby''' [''sobbing'']: My cookie's gone!
:'''Fran''': Because you ate it.
:'''Baby''': No, the cookie creature took it.
:'''Fran''': All right. A cookie creature took it.
:'''Baby''': Don't talk down to me!
:'''Fran''': This is between you and the cookie creature, so you two will have to work it out.
:'''Baby''' [''angrily'']: Oh well, thanks for nothing.


:[''During a series of commercials using war references and jingoism to sell products''] 
:'''Girl on TV''': Mom, do you ever feel... you know... not patriotic?

==Season 3==
===The Son Also Rises===
:'''Earl Sneed Sinclair''': You see, son, it is one of my responsibilities as a parent, to wean you from life's joy and prepare you for the relentless heartache that is adulthood.
===Dirty Dancin===
:'''TV Announcer''': Stay tuned after ''Father Knows Nothing'' for the premiere of ''Dad's A Big Moron'', and then at 9:00 it's more hijinks with ''Simpleton Father'', followed by ''Brain Dead Dad''.
:'''Earl Sinclair''': This is why TV stinks! One show's a hit, they make 50 more like it with the same characters and the same premise!
:'''Baby Sinclair''': [[w:Bart Simpson|Don't have a cow, man!]] ''[laughs]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[At the dancing house]''
:'''Robbie Sinclair''': Are you sure we should be doing this?
:'''Spike''': Hey, Scooter, there is nothing wrong with taking one of life's most personal and intimate experiences, and putting a cash value on it. That's what separates us from the animals.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Robbie Sinclair''': Do females go through the same things we do?
:'''Earl Sinclair''': Well, now... your mother's a bit more knowledgeable in that area, and I know she'd like to talk with ya.
:'''Robbie Sinclair''': Yeah, okay.
:'''Earl Sinclair''': 'Cause I know you and your mom had a little run-in, but she's pretty smart, and she can give you some good tips. And if she does...
:'''Robbie Sinclair''': Yeah?
:'''Earl Sinclair''': ... pass them along to me! ''[laughs]''

==Season 4==
===The Terrible Twos===
:[''Franny puts on Baby's Blarney video to try to calm his anger'']
:'''Blarney''': Okay, here we go!
:''I am Blarney, I love you. [chorus] E-I-E-I-O!
:''And if you're nice, you'll love me, too! [chorus] E-I-E-I-O! [Baby gives the TV a vicious look] 
:'''Robbie''': Well, it does seem to have quieted him down a little.
:'''Blarney and Friends''':
:''With a love-love here and a love-love there,
:''Here a love, there a love, everywhere a love-love! [Robbie cringes at the TV] 
:'''Franny''': It's interesting, he strikes a chord with children. Something about Blarney elicits the purest feelings of warmth and affection.
:'''Baby''': EAT GLASS, BLARNEY!! ''[shoots his bottle at the TV, Blarney somehow notices this]''
:'''Blarney''': AAAAAHHHHH!!! ''[the TV explodes, Robbie and Fran gasp]''
:'''Baby''': DIE, SCUM! DIE!! ''[laughs maniacally]''
:'''Robbie''': Well, I gotta say, I'm with him!
:'''Franny''': That does it! ''[takes slingshot away]'' I am fed up with your bad behavior! You are going to your room!
:'''Baby''': NO! I WANT PRESENTS!!
:'''Franny''': You are going to your room! There will be ''no more presents!''
:'''Earl''': It's present time!
===Changing Nature===
:'''Howard Handupme''': Good morning. Last night's massive airel springs have succeeding destroying all of the cider poppies, unfortunately it also kills all other forms of plant life on the planet.
:'''Stan''': [''sadly''] Well, there goes breakfast.
:'''Howard Handupme''': ...and so it seems the task force solution to the cider poppy problem, has caused an environmental calamity of catastrophic proportions.
:'''Baby''': Somebody's in trouble.
:'''Earl''': [''happily''] Good morning, everyone! Isn't it a beautiful day?
:'''Fran''': [''angrily''] Earl, have you look outside? That spray of yours killed every plant on Earth!
:'''Earl''': D'oh, pish-posh, Franny! Didn't the operation of this magnitude just bound to be some unfortunate casualties, but let's not giving the wild hunt purply. [''Earl sees the valley with dead plants; Earl gasps in shocked''] Duh... maybe we went a little overboard with the poison.
:'''Charlene ''': [''shocked in anger''] A ''little?'' [''furious''] Your stupid spray killed all plant life!
:'''Earl''': Hey, what are you complaining about? You never liked salads anyway!
:'''Robbie''': [''angrily''] You've destroyed the global food chain! No plants means no food at all!
:'''Earl''': Nonsense! There's a wide variety of commercial snack foods which have virtually no natural ingredients.
:'''Fran''': [''furious''] Earl, we ''can't'' live on Ho-Ho's!
:'''Baby''': I can!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Earl is on phone with B.P. Richfield after their latest attempt to correct nature ended up causing a global ice age and the inevitable extinction of the dinosaurs.'']
:'''B.P. Richfield''': What are you whining about now, Sinclair?
:'''Earl''': Sir, I think we may have gone just a neentsy bit too far this time.
:'''B.P. Richfield''': I don't know what you're talking about. Why, this sudden cold snap is a godsend. Dinosaurs are flocking to stores, buying WESAYSO heaters, WESAYSO blankets, and WESAYSO old-fashioned hot cocoa mix. [''Laughs briefly''] We're going to have the best third quarter in history.
:'''Earl''': Uh, sir, I think this could be the last third quarter in history.
:'''B.P. Richfield''': Oh, don't turn into one of those environmental doomsdayers, Sinclair. [''Fake whines''] ''Boo hoo. It's raining acid. There's a hole in the ozone. You're hurting Flipper.'' Bah. Bunch of tree hugging pantywastes. They're always standing in the way of progress, and it's our job to pave right over them.
:'''Earl''': I think you're missing the point, sir. The world may be coming to an end.
:'''B.P. Richfield''': Well, that's a fourth quarter problem. We'll drop a bomb on that bridge when we come to it. Right now, my biggest problem is trying to figure out what to do with all this money!!! [''Laughs maniacally while tossing around the money on his desk.'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''The Sinclairs, who are wearing warm clothing, and Stan the Bunch Beetle are seen inside the Sinclair household as snow falls heavily outside the house. Earl is seen sadly looking out the window while the others are shown sitting close to each other.'']
:'''Earl''': Could I have everybody's attention? There's something I have to say. [''Sighs''] First of all, Stan, I have to apologize to you.
:'''Stan the Bunch Beetle''': Yeah, sure, whatever.
:'''Earl''': I now realize that building that wax fruit factory on your mating ground was wrong. Oh, sure, wax fruit's important, but... but so are bunch beetles.
:'''Stan the Bunch Beetle''': Gee, that's big of you Earl. But I'm still feeling kind of blue. Maybe if there was someone holding me to her comforting bosom...[''To Charlene''] Hi.
:[''Charlene looks at Stan, then whacks him with her hand, knocking him to the ground.'']
:'''Stan the Bunch Beetle''': Ooh! I'll take it.
:[''Charlene giggle.'']
:'''Earl''': And, I guess I owe the rest of you an apology too. You know, for bringing on the end of the world and civilization and everything. 
:'''Ethyl''': I always knew you'd screw things up. I just didn't know how bad.
:'''Fran''': Mother, he said he was sorry.
:'''Earl''': And I know I put too much faith in progress and technology, and had too little respect for nature. [''Sad music starts playing the background.''] But, it's so easy to take nature for granted because it's always there. And technology is so bright and shiny and new.
:'''Fran''': We understand, sweetheart.
:'''Baby''': Understand what?
:[''Charlene and Robbie look at Earl, silently telling him to explain to Baby what is happening.'']
:'''Earl''': Uh... Well, little guy, what happened was... Daddy was put in charge of the world and he didn't take real good care of it. And now, it looks like there won't be much of a world left for you or your brother and sister to live in.
:'''Baby''': Are we gonna move?
:'''Earl''': Well, no. There's no place to move to. This is the only world we got.
:'''Baby''': But, what's gonna happen to us?
:'''Earl''': Well, I don't exactly know. 
:'''Robbie''': But whatever it is, nobody's gonna leave you. 
:'''Charlene''': That's right, little guy. We'll all stay together. 
:'''Robbie''': Yeah. 
:'''Earl''': Yeah. Yeah, and hey, I'm sure it'll all work out OK. After all, dinosaurs have been on this Earth for 150 million years. And, it's not like we're going to just...disappear.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Last lines of the series'']
:'''Howard Handupme''': And taking a look at the long-range forecast: continued snow, darkness, and extreme cold. This is Howard Handupme. Good night. [''pause''] Goodbye.

==Unaired Episodes==
===Georgie Must Die===
:'''Georgie''': Fran, I'm sure is just a matter of time, [''evil voice''] A LIFE TIME!!

==Repeated lines and [[w:Catch phrase|catch phrases]]==
:'''Earl''': Honey, I'm home.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Baby''': Not the mama!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Baby''': I'm the baby, gotta love me!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Baby''' ''[after being severely injured]'': Again!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Mr. Lizard''': We're going to need another Timmy!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''B.P. Richfield''': Sinclair! In here, now!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Roy''': Hey there, pally boy.

==[[Dinosaurs (TV series)#Cast|Characters
Megalosaurus|Megalosaurus]]
Allosaurus|Allosaurus]]
[[:Hypsilophodon|Hypsilophodon]]
Protoceratops|Protoceratops
Edmontonia|Edmontonia]]
Polacanthus|Polacanthus]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Dinosaurs (TV series)}}
* {{imdb title|id=0101081|title=Dinosaurs}}
* [http://muppet.wikia.com/wiki/Dinosaurs Dinosaurs Wiki]

[[Category:1990s American sitcoms]]
[[Category:American TV shows featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:ABC shows]]
[[Category:TV shows about children]]
[[Category:TV shows about dinosaurs]]
[[Category:TV shows about families]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Oz (TV series)</title>
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'''''[[w:Oz (TV series)|Oz]]''''' (1997-2003) is an American television show, that aired on [[w:HBO|HBO]], about the [[w:inmates|inmates]] in the Oswald State Correctional Facility, formerly Oswald State Penitentiary, a fictional [[w:Incarceration in the United States#Security levels|level 4]] [[w:prison#Security levels|maximum-security]] [[w:state prison|state prison]]. 
:''Directed by [[w:Tom Fontana|Tom Fontana]].''
&lt;center&gt;'''You're inside now.'''&lt;/center&gt;

== Season One ==
=== ''The Routine'' [1.1] ===
:'''Augustus Hill''': ''Oz''. That's the name on the street for the Oswald Maximum Security Penitentiary. Oz is retro. Oz is retribution. You wanna punish a man? Separate him from his family, separate him from himself, cage him up with his own kind. Oz is hard times doing hard time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Augustus Hill''': See, in Em City, retribution gives way to redemption. Timmy boy believes he can save every one of us, from each other, from ourselves, from the system that dumped us in here. Only thing he don't get is, you gotta want to be saved.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Diane Wittlesey''': There's something in the air. And it ain't love.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joey D'Angelo''': ''[about Groves]'' He ate his mother.
:'''Nino Schibetta''': Get the fuck out of here!
:'''Joey D'Angelo''': So I heard. He killed her, then he broiled her head. Smothered it in onions.
:'''Dino Ortolani''': What, no garlic?
:'''Joey D'Angelo''': He had his father in the freezer.
:'''Nino Schibetta''': Sick fuck! What the fuck's wrong with this country? In the old days, murder was murder. You killed someone, it was business. You sure as Christ didn't eat them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kareem Said''': I would give my life for you.
:'''Jefferson Keane''': You gonna have to.

=== ''Visits, Conjugal, and Otherwise''  [1.2] ===

:'''Augustus Hill''': Fuck is a four letter word. Rape is a four letter word. Wife is a four letter word. So is love. Fuck is a curse. So is love.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vern Schillinger''': Come over here and ask me if you can fuck your wife. Come on, ask me! Now! 
:'''Tobias Beecher''': Can I be with my wife?
:'''Vern Schillinger''': Fuck my wife.
:'''Tobias Beecher''': Fuck my wife.
:'''Vern Schillinger''': Louder, and say &quot;please&quot; and &quot;sir&quot;.
:'''Tobias Beecher''': Please, sir, may I fuck my wife?
:'''Vern Schillinger''': Louder.
:'''Tobias Beecher''': Please, sir, may I fuck my wife! 
:'''Vern Schillinger''': When you ask me like that, I can't deny you anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lenny Burrano''': Donald Groves.  You killed your parents and ate them, right?
:'''Donald Groves''': I only ate my mom.  I was saving my dad for Thanksgiving.
:'''Lenny Burrano''': That's festive.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bob Rebadow''': God comes to visit me every once in a while. Actually, he comes more often than I'd like but it's God. What can I say? That I'm busy, that I'm in the shower? He knows.
:'''Lenny Burrano''': We talking about a burning bush here?
:'''Bob Rebadow''': No, it's more like a strobe.  A little too flashy, a little cheesy for my taste.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Augustus Hill''': And love? Well, if sex is sweet and death is bitter, love is both. Love will always and forever break your heart.

=== ''God's Chillin' ''  [1.3] ===

:'''Augustus Hill''': In the beginning, God was nothingness. So he started making stuff. He made the dirt, he made the sky, he made the water, he made things that swim, things that slither, things with legs. I mean, God turned himself into a big shot. Then, in a couple of days, or a couple of million years, he breathed life into man. And he's been sucking the life out of us ever since.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Augustus Hilll''': There's some pain that you don't share. Some pain like your fingerprints that's all yours. All alone.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tobias Beecher''': If God is in me, he's a tumor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donald Groves''': Wait, Father, maybe I'm a convert.
:'''Ray Mukada''': You can't become a Catholic just to get out of the hole. Come on.
:'''Donald Groves''': No, no, wait. I've been reading a lot since I got here about different faiths and yours is pretty nifty.
:'''Ray Mukada''': Catholicism is nifty?
:'''Donald Groves''': You have that whole mystical transabstentiation bit going.
:'''Ray Mukada''': That's right. The Eucharist becomes the body of Christ.
:'''Donald Groves''': So you're actually eating his flesh and drinking his blood.
:'''Ray Mukada''': That's right.
:'''Donald Groves''': Now how can I not get behind a religion like that?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tim McManus''': You are creating a lot of the tension that we're dealing with right here.
:'''James Devlin''': How am I doing that?
:'''Tim McManus''': Well, you ban smoking, you ban conjugals. Bit by bit you're stripping these men of their basic human needs.
:'''James Devlin''': This is a ''prison''. These men are ''criminals''. The whole point is to strip them of their basic human needs. If a kneejerk prissy liberal would see that we wouldn't be having the problems we're having today.
:'''Tim McManus''': The campaign is over, Governor, so get off your soapbox.
:'''James Devlin''': McManus, when you look at me, what do you see? 
:'''Tim McManus''': A man.
:'''James Devlin''': You've heard of Olympus, right? Mount Olympus, ancient Greece, where the gods lived? 
:'''Tim McManus''': Yeah.
:'''James Devlin''': Well, it was a hierarchy, even among the gods. Mercury was lesser than Apollo, Apollo lesser than Zeus. Now, you run your cellblock and you think you're a god. Glynn runs the whole prison, he thinks he's a greater god. Well, guys, I am Zeus. I am omnipotent. I must be obeyed...or my thunderbolts will strike.

=== ''Capital P'' [1.4] ===

:'''Donald Groves''': They say that lethal injection causes no pain. How do they know? Did someone come back from the dead and say they didn't feel anything?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Miguel Alvarez''': Hey, Father. Where was God when my son died? 
:'''Ray Mukada''': Same place he was when His own son died.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Diane Wittlesy''': My ex was a big hunter, he was always going off with his buddies so I said to him one time to take me. After some complaining, he did. So I got there in the forest with this big hunky shotgun and I fired at a deer. Hit it dead on. So I went over to this thing and I leaned down and this deer looked up at me with these eyes, these eyes like flashlights. I knelt beside it and I held it's head and I whispered, &quot;I'm sorry.&quot; And like batteries going bad the light in its eyes flickered a little bit and went out. For the next two years we were married, every time I walked into the den I had to look at this fucking deer's dead eyes. I had to dust them. When we got divorced that's all I asked for, the deer's head. Then I buried it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ray Mukada''': If you love women so much, why do you kill them?
:'''Richard L'italien''': Because when you love someone, they own you, they possess you. I will not be possessed.
:'''Ray Mukada''': I'm here to give you absolution for your sins. Do you wish to be absolved?
:'''Richard L'italien''': Fuck, yes!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Augustus Hill''': There's this brother on death row somewheres, he checked in when he was 16. He sat there another 16 years while the courts and lawyers argued about this and that. While he waited he painted a mural on his wall. For all those years he painted, not letting a soul see what he was up to. Finally, when he was 32 and had spent more life on death row than in his mama's house, all his appeals were exhausted. He was about to die. As he was about to be let out for the final time, he finally unveiled his masterpiece. All there was were six words. &quot;Death is certain, life is not&quot;. The next day the hacks painted over it. Peace out.

=== ''Straight Life'' [1.5] ===

:'''Nino Schibetta''': I always thought Keane and Markstrom were holding you back. From the get-go, you were a guy that sees how the world gets made. Adebisi. Ends in &quot;I&quot;. Sure you're not Italian?
:'''Simon Adebisi''': Schibetta ends in &quot;A&quot;. Maybe you African.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Scott Ross''': ''[to Schillinger]'' I'm gonna give you ten minutes to get your hands off my dick.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bob Rebadow''': I do know sometimes I can see inside men's souls.
:'''Kareem Said''': And can you see into mine, old man? 
:'''Bob Rebadow''': Yes.
:'''Kareem Said''': And what is there?
:'''Bob Rebadow''': Anger.
:'''Kareem Said''': Yes, I am angry. I am angry at a society that cripples my people and infects their bodies.
:'''Bob Rebadow''': No, you're angry at God.
:'''Kareem Said''': I am not. My illness is Allah's will and I accept the bad as well as the good that God gives me.
:'''Bob Rebadow''': Still, you're angry at him and afraid. Afraid of dying.
:'''Kareem Said''': That is not true.
:'''Bob Rebadow''': You watched Jefferson Keane die, die gladly. Keane embraced death like a lover, like a traveler going home. You saw that and you were afraid. You realized you aren't as willing to go.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vern Schillinger''': ''[upon seeing Beecher dressed in drag]'' My God! You're even prettier than I thought you'd be!

=== ''To Your Health'' [1.6] ===

:'''Augustus Hill''': Do we care for people when they're sick because we actually care about them? Or do we care for them because when our time comes, we want someone to care for us?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Augustus Hill''': 'At least you got your health.' Don't you hate that? You lose your job, you lose your wife, YOU'RE IN PRISON, and some punk ass do gooder says 'At least you got your health' like that's supposed to make you FEEL better! So what if I'm broke? So what if some dealer wants to cap my ass; at least I ain't got a tumor. I swear, the next person to say ALYGYH to me, I'ma make sure they don't have THEIR health much longer.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simon Adebisi''': You are a sick motherfucker, O'Reily.
:'''Ryan O'Reily''': Coming from you, that's a compliment.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:&lt;b&gt;Augustus Hill&lt;/b&gt;: All those little aches and pains eventually, they add up to something. Body - body, mind, they gotta work together or they don't work at all. You gotta take care of your body. You gotta take care of your mind. You gotta LOVE your body. Most people don't. Most people HATE their bodies. You gotta get your MIND to love your body. Even if you're fat around the middle, or even if things don't work like they're supposed to - you've gotta LOVE your body. 'Cause it's all you've got to hold on to. It's all you've got.  I'll make a deal with you: I'll love your body, if you love mine.

=== ''Plan B'' [1.7] ===

:'''Kareem Said''': ''[about Huseni Mershah]'' This man is not our brother. He is our enemy. As of this moment, this man is cast out. No Muslim will speak to him, look him in the eye or acknowledge him. ''[to Mershah]'' You wanted the death of another? Right now, you're dead to us all.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donald Groves''': ''[trying to repeat an Islamic greeting]'' A-salami-I-like-'em.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Loretta Smith''': I'm Loretta Smith. You killed my son. You're a handsome fellow.
:'''Donald Groves''': Thanks.
:'''Loretta Smith''': You broke God's law: Love thy neighbour. I wanna hate you but I can't. I feel pity, tears, but no hate. I didn't realize that until this moment. You are my neighbour and I love you. And I forgive you with all my heart. That's all.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eddie Hunt''': To Lawrence Smith. A fine man who died too young.
:'''Diane Wittlesey''': Yeah. Amen.
:'''Eddie Hunt''': Here's to Donald Groves, a freak of nature who lived too long.
:'''Diane Wittlesey''': Yeah, probably.
:'''Eddie Hunt''': I killed a man who killed a man. I killed a man. Only maybe I didn't kill him, because they put blanks in one of the rifles so maybe-- I mean, I can never know for sure if I killed him or not. Only not knowing is maybe worse than knowing. Because at least if I knew-- 
:'''Diane Wittlesey''': Eddie. Go home.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Tobias Beecher''': ''[while defecating on Schillinger]'' Sieg heil, baby! Sieg fucking heil!

=== ''A Game of Checkers'' [1.8] ===

:'''Augustus Hill''': Remember when your High School History teacher said &quot;The course of human events changes because of the deeds of great men&quot;?. Well the bitch was lying. Fuck [[Julius Caesar|Caesar]], fuck [[Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]], fuck [[Mahatma Gandhi]]. The world keeps turning because of me and you: the anonymous. Revolutions start because people don't have enough bread. Wars start over a game of Checkers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vern Schillinger''': I had a visit from my sons. They're almost, out of their teens now, almost men. Live with their grandfather, the man who taught me everything I know about hate. Yesterday, my boys sat there across from me, ranting and raging. They were both fucked up on drugs. They know I hate drugs. But I'm in here because I hate drugs and 'cause I love them. I yelled at them and they they just laughed. They laughed at me. It's funny, you know, with one eye, I can see finally that they are becoming the men I made them. I got about three months, 'til I'm up for parole.. All I want is to get our of here be there for them. Try to help my kids, that's all.
:'''Tim McManus''': If I put you back into Em City, you'll kill Beecher.
:'''Vern Schillinger''': If I wanted him dead, he'd already be dead.
:'''Tim McManus''': You say you've changed. Why should I believe you?
:'''Vern Schillinger''': ''(smiles)'' Trust me, McManus. You lose an eye, you get kicked in the balls, you get a face full of shit, you become a different man.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vern Schillinger''': I don't wanna fight.
:'''Tobias Beecher''': Oh, no. Course not. You get into a fight, you fuck up your parole. And I hear for the next three months, you're gonna be a good little boy, so you can get outta Oz, see your two sons. You know, I think that's great. But, you know what I'm wondering? What if Vern doesn't get out? What if, as he comes up for parole, he gets into a brawl, a knock-down, drag-out with his old roomie? What if every time he comes up for parole, Vern gets into some ugly incident and has to serve his entire sentence? And his two sons, they become monsters. That's what I'm wondering about. ''Prag''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kareem Said''': I'm gonna try one more time with you, McManus. Now, I am not saying that the men in Oz are innocent. I am saying they are not here because of the crimes that they committed, but because of the color of their skin, the lack of education, the fact that they are poor. You see, this riot is not about getting smoking back, conjugal rights, it's not even about life in prison. It's about society taking responsibility. It's about the whole horrid judicial system. And we don't need more prisons, bigger prisons, better prisons. We need better justice. Now what can you do about that?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Augustus Hill''': Yeah, who cares who lives or dies in prison? We read their names in the morning paper and they mean nothing to us! They're faceless! Truth is we don't want to put a face on them! We don't want to know who they really are because then it might hit too close to home. And home is what it's all about, right? Making a home no matter where you are, no matter who you are. At the end of the day, all of us need somewhere to rest. Somewhere to lay our bones. Even if it's in a land called Oz. Yeah, like Dorothy says when she wakes up in her own bed back at Aunt Em's: &quot;There's no place like home. There's no fucking place like home.&quot;

== Season Two ==
=== ''The Tip'' [2.1] ===

:'''Alvah Case''': Ryan O'Reily. Vehicular manslaughter, reckless endangerment, possession of controlled substances, possession of a deadly weapon, violation of parole. That's an amazing list of crimes. 
:'''Ryan O'Reily''': Well, you know, I applied myself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alvah Case''': You can't have it both ways, governor! If the prisoners are guilty, so are you.
:'''James Devlin''': This is ''not'' the attitude I expect from my next Attorney-General.
:'''Alvah Case''': You know something. I don't want to ''be'' Attorney-General. I want to be '''GOVERNOR'''!
:'''James Devlin''': What?
:'''Alvah Case''': I'll see you on the campaign trail, Devlin.

=== ''Ancient Tribes'' [2.2] ===

:'''Gloria Nathan''': You may have breast cancer.
:'''Ryan O'Reily''': ''(laughs)'' That's funny.
:'''Gloria Nathan''': I'm not kidding.
:'''Ryan O'Reily''': Breast cancer? Girls get breast cancer.
:'''Gloria Nathan''': Men do too. It's rare, especially at your age, but it does happen.
:'''Ryan O'Reily''': I'm not a fag, you know. I've been in this shithole for over a year, and I ain't ever taken it up the ass!
:'''Gloria Nathan''': No one is saying that you have!
:'''Ryan O'Reily''': Bullshit! You're telling me I've got a '''''chick's disease'''''!
:'''Gloria Nathan''': Men have breasts, the same as women.
:'''Ryan O'Reily''': What the fuck you talking about? I ain't got breasts, I got a chest! ''(pulls open his shirt)'' See it? Huh, see it?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tobias Beecher''': Who are you?
:'''Agamemnon Busmalis''': Agamemnon Busmalis, a.k.a. 'The Mole'.
:'''Bob Rebadow''': The Mole?
:'''Agamemnon Busmalis''': I dig. I can dig anywhere. I'm gonna dig my way out of Oz.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tobias Beecher''': Reading [[Mein Kampf]]?  Let me tell you how it ends.  The Aryans get their asses kicked!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tobias Beecher''': Thank God I'm crazy, 'cause I don't give a shit!

=== ''Great Men'' [2.3] ===
:'''Shirley''': ''[looking around her new cell]'' How comfy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''O'Reily''': I can't figure out why the fuck you care, but I'm glad you do. No one's ever given a shit about me my whole life, so I'm not very good at saying thanks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''O'Reily''': Would you fucking relax?
:'''Shannen''': Don't get pissy with me! I'm the one who's thinking of you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Schillinger''': We can rule Oz!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hill''': Evil is the only thing that has survived intact these past thousand years.

=== ''Losing Your Appeal'' [2.4] ===

:'''Kareem Said''': Quickest way to find the needle: burn the haystack.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Judge Grace Lema''': I've been a judge for 16 years. I've made over 2500 decisions. Most of them were good. But only one has haunted me. Yours. You see, I've always prided myself on being fair. That in my court, justice was truly blind. But in your case, that little girl, her parents crying, you being a member of the bar, your prior arrest for DUl, the senselessness of it all, it caught up with me. I was quick-tempered and spiteful to the point where I can't tell if I gave you a fair trial. Now seeing you like this, I-- I think maybe the punishment exceeded the crime. And I'm...well...
:'''Tobias Beecher''': You're what? Sorry? Your Honour, you used all your power to crush me. But the truth is, I did kill Cathy Rockwell. And as much as I tried to manipulate the legal system to get off, to get out of it, I took her life. According to the law, each crime is worth a certain number of years. You gave me a maximum of 15 years in this fuckhole! Is that too much? Too harsh? Not enough? I don't know. You say you're haunted by what you did? Well, so am I. And if you came here for me to forgive you you've come to the wrong man. He ceased to exist the day Cathy Rockwell did. And you're not gonna get any more peace out of him than I do out of her.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Augustus Hill''': What makes us wanna fuck somebody? ls it the colour of their eyes, the shape of their legs, the spike of their heels? Or is it what the poets tell us? That there's something deeper, a shared loss. A longing to find someone who knows the depth of our sadness. Some people search their whole lives for that someone. Some find them, some don't. Some fool themselves into believing they're in love. And in Oz, most times, the illusion is better than reality.

=== ''Family Bizness'' [2.5] ===
:'''Hill''': Families! Our families determine who we are, determine what we're not. How we relate to other people is based on the way we relate to the members of our families. No wonder the world's so fucked up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Adebisi''': Little Nino, when you say things like that, it hurts. I just wanna be friends.
:'''Peter Schibetta''': Friends, huh? Okay, pal-o-mine, how's about you go into the kitchen and get me a chocolate bar?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hill''': Because we share the same blood with our family, we can ask them to do anything. Anything! Lie, cheat, take a bullet. Only, don't ask to borrow their new Lexus. 'Cause then my man, you're crossing the line !

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hill''': Every once in a while, I remember something I did when I was a child. Or something that was done to me, by my father, or my brother, or a cousin. Some injury. Some humiliation. And it seems like... it happened to another person, a century or two ago. I'm not really sure if what I remember really took place at all. You can't build your life, relying on the perception of a little boy, or the echos of some memory. Nah. You got to let all that shit go. You gotta start, fresh. Every single day. You have got to start again.

=== ''Strange Bedfellows'' [2.6] ===

:'''Peter Schibetta''': You tell them I'm gonna handle Adebisi. I'm gonna get my honour back. By the end of today, either that fucking moolie or me is gonna be in a body bag.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Miguel Alvarez''': El Cid, it's an honor, man.
:'''Raoul &quot;El Cid&quot; Hernandez''': Tu es Latino?
:'''Miguel Alvarez''': Si.
:'''Raoul &quot;El Cid&quot; Hernandez''': They lied to you, man. You're too fucking white to be Latino. Get the fuck out of my face.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gloria Nathan''': I became a doctor to help people. Now, I know that that sounds like a cliche, it sounds naive, but it's true. I could have a fancy practice anywhere, but instead I chose to work at Oz. I saved your life, O'Reily. And in return, you destroyed mine.

=== ''Animal Farm'' [2.7] ===
:'''Hill''': Hey Schillinger.
:'''Vern Schillinger''': What do you want?
:'''Hill''': How much would it cost to mail me out of here?
:'''Vern Schillinger''': Mail you? What are you talking about?
:'''Hill''': I've been trying to think of ways to get out of here.
:'''Vern Schillinger''': Escape from Oz?
:'''Hill''': Yeah. And I figured, you know, you could box me up in a crate and mail me to my wife overnight express, Priority Mail, whatever. How much would that cost? Postage, shipping, handling, et cetera?
:'''Vern Schillinger''': Are you serious?
:'''Hill''': Yeah.
:'''Vern Schillinger''': Then you're nuts.
:'''Hill''': Is that a no?
:'''Vern Schillinger''': Yeah. No. No, yeah, it's a no. Get the fuck out of here before I tip you over.
:'''Hill''': All right, Vern, I ain't mad at you. You can't help it if you're ugly and stupid.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Busmalis''': Relax. You're suffering from PBS.
:'''Rebadow''': PBS?
:'''Busmalis''': Pre-Bunny Syndrome. It happens quite often in my line of work. You dig and dig and dig, and just before you have to make like a little bunny and go through the hole, you panic.
:'''Rebadow''': This is real? Pre-Bunny Syndrome?
:'''Busmalis''': Oh, yeah. I mean, I made the name up, but sure.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alvarez''': They say the eyes are the windows to the soul.
:'''Officer Rivera''': The fuck you talking about?
:'''Alvarez''': Nice to see you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Said''': Beecher, don't do this.
:'''Tobias Beecher''': Do what?
:'''Said''': Drink.
:'''Tobias Beecher''': You like to dabble in peoples' lives, huh? Because you're so much better than us, because you've seen the light. You've seen the face of God. So you wave your dick around trying to help us lowly mortals. Hill, Mershah, Groves, Jefferson Keane. Fuck, you helped Jefferson Keane right into a lethal injection. So in the end, when all is said and done, who have you really fucking helped? Other than yourself?
:'''Said''': ''[proudly]'' Poet.
:'''Tobias Beecher''': Poet? I just saw on the news, he killed a man. He's coming back to Oz.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Adebisi''': Sometimes it's good to be human.

=== ''Escape From Oz'' [2.8] ===

:'''Bob Rebadow''': In all my years at Oz, I've learned one rule: accept the hand you're dealt.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonathan Coushaine''': I say we institute a &quot;no swearing&quot; rule.
:'''El Cid''': Fuck you.
:'''Augustus Hill''': Suck my dick.
:'''Kenny Wangler''': Asswipe.
:'''Ryan O'Reily''': Cocksucker.
:'''Chucky Pancamo''': You stupid cunt.
:'''Jaz Hoyt''': Putz.
:'''McManus''': If nobody has anything more intelligent to say, this meeting is adjourned.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Reporter''': Mr. Said, how do you feel? 
:'''Kareem Said''': How do I feel? I feel joyless. My brothers remain behind. Imprisoned, suppressed. I don't just mean my Muslim brothers, I mean every single man that will sleep in here tonight, that was cut off from everything that he loves. Cut off from his own self. You know, as the word went around that the Governor was gonna give somebody clemency, I saw a rift develop as each inmate wished himself to be the chosen one. The longing to be free became as palpable as the food that we eat. But it is a meal that I am being served right now. And I am Muslim. And Allah does not allow me to swallow certain things. Allah does not allow me to take scraps from the hands of a man such as this. A man who is corrupt and immoral. A man who denigrates the gift of clemency just as he violates the principles of justice. A man that gave the order that caused the death of eight people. And so, Governor Devlin, because even the cost of freedom can be too high, I ''refuse'' your pardon!

== Season Three ==
=== ''The Truth And Nothing But...'' [3.1] ===

:'''Augustus Hill''': The name on the street for the Oswald Maximum Security Penitentiary. Only, big news: They've changed the name. It's now called the Oswald State Correctional Facility, level four. I don't know what the difference is. Leo Glynn is still warden, Sister Peter Marie is still in psych, Tim McManus is still unit manager of Emerald City, and I know for damn sure none of us have changed. Beecher is still in the hospital after Schillinger and Keller broke his bones. Alvarez is still in solitary after blinding a CO. Adebisi, still in the loony ward, after changing hats. Maybe it's truth in advertising. Maybe by getting rid of the word &quot;penitentiary&quot; the state is finally admitting that nobody's penitent. Nobody's sorry. Nobody.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tim McManus''': I may be blind, but I'm not dumb.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tim McManus''': Metzger, I know who you are. I know what you are.
:'''Karl Metzger''': All I am is a highly trained underpaid member of the Correctional Officers Benevolent Association. But if I am what you think I am you should tiptoe.
:'''Tim McManus''': Is that a threat? 
:'''Karl Metzger''': I'm merely reminding you who your friends are. Remember who you want standing next to you when one of these fucks comes after you with a knife.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Augustus Hill''': Truth is a powerful thing. It can right a wrong, or make a bad thing worse. In Oz the truth is, if the facts don't fit the truth, fuck the facts.

=== ''Napoleon's Boney Parts'' [3.2] ===
:'''Tim McManus''': At Attica, you organized a boxing program, right?
:'''Sean Murphy''': Yeah.
:'''Tim McManus''': Maybe we could try something like that here.
:'''Sean Murphy''': Great, now all we need is time, gloves, and a good insurance policy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Augustus Hill''': I used to box.
:'''Ryan O'Reily''': Where? In the Special Olympics?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vern Schillinger''': ''(upon hearing that Keller was stabbed in the back)'' Mr. Keller's got about three or four assholes now!

=== ''Legs'' [3.3] ===

:'''Augustus Hill''': In my 'hood, you had to learn to run before you learned to walk.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Antonio Nappa''': Why would you want to transfer out of the cafeteria to take care of a bunch of fags?
:'''Simon Adebisi''': Don't like fags?
:'''Antonio Nappa''': What do you think?
:'''Simon Adebisi''': Out there, I hated them. But here sometimes you need your dick sucked.
:'''Antonio Nappa''': That's one of the many differences between you and me. I got self-control.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gloria Nathan''': You're HIV-positive.
:'''Antonio Nappa''': What?
:'''Gloria Nathan''': I'm sorry.
:'''Antonio Nappa''': Doctor, that is not possible. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the only way to get AIDS is by having sex or sharing a needle. I haven't done either, and I'm not Haitian.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Peter Marie''': I know that Tobias was in love with you and that you broke his arms and his legs.
:'''Chris Keller''': Jesus Christ, you put it that way it makes me sound so cold.

=== ''Unnatural Disasters'' [3.4] ===

:'''Mineo''': It's a boy! A bouncing, baby boy. Your son arrived yesterday.
:'''Vern Schillinger''': Which unit's he in?
:'''Mineo''': Your favorite: Emerald City.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo Glynn''': You must really love your son, Schillinger, to come in here and ask me for a favor. It must be chewing up your insides to have to stand here in my office begging me for your son's life. 'Cause this is what you're doing, right? Begging?
:'''Vern Schillinger''': Yes.
:'''Leo Glynn''': Think of all the times I needed something from you and you just sit here with that stupid-ass grin on your face singing &quot;doodah.&quot; 
:'''Vern Schillinger''': This is my son, goddamn it!
:'''Leo Glynn''': I thought you had two sons.
:'''Vern Schillinger''': Yeah, I do.
:'''Leo Glynn''': Maybe you'll be luckier with the second.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kareem Said''': I am black, I am a Muslim, and I am a man. And sometimes those three things, they war with each other.

=== ''U.S. Male'' [3.5] ===

:'''Ryan O'Reily''': Let me get this straight. You aim for the doctor, but you got the son instead.
:'''William Cudney''': No, I aimed for the son.
:'''Ryan O'Reily''': You took out the kid on purpose? 
:'''William Cudney''': Yeah. Now that doctor knows how I feel. He killed my baby, I killed his.
:'''Cyril O'Reily''': What are you gonna say to him when you see him? 
:'''William Cudney''': Who? 
:'''Cyril O'Reily''': The doctor's son up in Heaven. I already know what I'm gonna say to Dr. Nathan's husband if they let me in.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eugene Rivera''': ''[to Alvarez, who has blinded him]'' I hate you, Alvarez you fucking motherfucker. 'Cause of you I gotta carry around all this shit in the dark. If it wasn't for Tina, I would have killed myself already. Sometimes I think I should kill myself for her sake so she could start a new life without me. Some days, Alvarez, I wish you would have killed me instead of doing this. I can't cry anymore. Did you know that? You made it so I can't cry.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nikolai Stanislofsky''': Kosygin is no pal of mine. I'm a Jew. He's Cossack. In my community, he's feared for his savagery. You Sicilians think you're so tough. He would cut out your heart, eat it, and not think twice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vern Schillinger''': Those are not the kind of men you should be hanging out with.
:'''Andrew Schillinger''': As opposed to who? Those standup individuals that make up your merry little band? I gotta tell you something. My whole life, you crammed into my head how superior we white folks are. I don't see the truth in that. I look around this room and I see white faces and black faces, every color in between and the only thing that I know for sure is that we're all shit. You know, shit don't come in degrees. White or black, shit is shit. So fuck everything you believe in, fuck everything you stand for, and fuck you.
:'''Vern Schillinger''': Don't you dare talk to me like that!
:'''Andrew Schillinger''': Man, you hit me way too many times growing up!

=== ''Cruel and Unusual Punishments'' [3.6] ===

:'''Yuri Kosygin''': Unlike you, in Russia I was not a criminal. I was an educator. After the Soviets fell, things got so bleak in Moscow I decided to leave, to come to America.
:'''Nikolai Stanislofsky''': For a better life, right?
:'''Yuri Kosygin''': Yes, for me and my wife. But we did not find a better life. I couldn't get employed teaching.
:'''Nikolai Stanislofsky''': Must have been terrible.
:'''Yuri Kosygin''': Then I got this job painting a house, the house of Leonid Rodzinsky.
:'''Nikolai Stanislofsky''': He was in the Organizatsya.
:'''Yuri Kosygin''': Yes. He treated me like shit, always making fun. Calling me &quot;professor&quot; and ordering me to clean his toilets. One day, he kicked me with his boot in front of my wife. I strangled him on the spot.
:'''Nikolai Stanislofsky''': It's closing time?
:'''Yuri Kosygin''': Yes.
:'''Nikolai Stanislofsky''': All right, I'll go.
:'''Yuri Kosygin''': Not till I finish my story.
:'''Nikolai Stanislofsky''': Strange. All this time, you've barely said two words. Now you're a regular bottum.
:'''Yuri Kosygin''': It takes me time to warm up to people. I feel very close to you. I was possessed by guilt for killing Rodzinsky but I got a reputation for being ruthless. The Organizatsya hired me to exterminate someone else. The second time was easy.
:'''Nikolai Stanislofsky''': Yuri, please. I don't want to hear this.
:'''Yuri Kosygin''': The third time, no problem at all.
:'''Nikolai Stanislofsky''': Yuri, please.
:'''Yuri Kosygin''': At last count, I murdered at least 49 people. You have the honor of being my 50th.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Claire Howell''': You know what your problem is, Diane? You wanna be everybody's best pal.
:'''Diane Wittlesey''': And your problem? You wanna be everybody's worst nightmare.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris Keller''': You saw my ex, Bonnie? When I met her, she was all alone, very unhappy. So I knew it would be easy to get her to fall in love with me. But what I didn't know was after I broke her heart would she still love me? See, I'm a piece of shit. I am worthless. As bad as they come. And to have someone keep loving me, no matter how bad... ''[pause]'' You happy now? You got me to open up and spill my guts all over your table. Breakthrough.

=== ''Secret Identities'' [3.7] ===

:'''Antonio Nappa''': Jesus. You look a lot like my ex-wife.
:'''Nat Ginzberg''': Thanks.
:'''Antonio Nappa''': That's not a compliment.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chucky Pancamo''': In his day, Antonio Nappa was a great man. He was like a father to me. Well, more like an uncle.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Augustus Hill''': People are defined by three things: Their heads: how they think. Their hearts: what they feel. Their dicks: who they fuck. At the end of the day, each of us has to answer one question. One, not so simple question. Who am I?

=== ''Out o' Time'' [3.8] ===

:'''Miguel Alvarez''': Alone is alone. It's the way I've been my whole fucking life. I just don't belong in the world.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nikolai Stanislofsky''': Forgive me. We Russians, we are suspicious of everyone.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Augustus Hill''': Everybody's worried about this Y2K problem. Come 2000, the computers are gonna have a nervous breakdown. Planes will fall from the sky, the water supply will dry up and the Pentagon will start shooting nuclear warheads at Canada. Some predict that prison doors will automatically spring open. But I got the solution: A do-over. At the stroke of midnight, it's 1900 again and we get to do the whole fucking century over. I mean, let's face it. We didn't do such a hot job the first time around.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Augustus Hill''': A bunch of men sit in cells on the brink of a new year a new century, a new millennium. They stare into the future and all they see is themselves in those same cells. Black or white, here we are on the precipice. We either hang on or we fall off. Together or separately. It's our choice. It's up to us. It's up to you and me. Happy New Year!

== Season Four ==
=== ''A Cock And Balls Story'' [4.01] === 
:'''Tim McManus''': A cannibal eats somebody else's flesh.
:'''Sean Murphy''': So what do you call a guy who eats his own flesh?
:'''Tim McManus''': Inventive.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris Keller''': ''[to Beecher]'' You know what? Oz didn't make you a bitch. You were born one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shirley''': She was cheating on you?
:'''Moses''': Yeah. With her husband.
:'''Shirley''': They were married?
:'''Moses''': Bitch told me they was through. I don't fuck with another man's wife! I got principles.
:'''Shirley''': Oh, I love a man with principles.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''McManus''': She fell in love with a bobby?
:'''Sister Pete''': No, not a bobby, Tim! He's a guard. He guards the queen.
:'''McManus''': Well, then I'm sure they'll have a lot in fucking common!

=== ''Obituaries'' [4.02] ===
:'''Beecher''': I don't want to love him, but I do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''O'Reily''': A little birdie told me a secret about you and I just came to see if it was true. You got a cell phone?
:'''Nikolai''': No.
:'''O'Reily''': Oh. Then I guess that's what I get for listening to little birdies. Because if you did have a cell phone, you'd let me borrow it. You'd share, right?
:'''Nikolai''': Share? No. Rent, maybe, if I had one, which I don't.
:'''O'Reily''': I know. You told me, and I believe you. Because that's just the kind of friendship we have, right?
:'''Nikolai''': Right.
:'''O'Reily''': So sorry to bother you.
:'''Nikolai''': Not a problem.
:'''O'Reily''': Bye, Nikolai.

=== ''The Bill of Wrongs'' [4.03] ===
:'''Enrique Morales''': I'm not like Hernandez or Guerra. They're spics, old-school thugs. Me, I'm a businessman. I like Armani suits, I surf the net.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shirley Bellinger''': I want to be lost in oblivion.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shirley Bellinger''': You forgive me?
:'''Zeke Bellinger''': Yes.
:'''Shirley Bellinger''': What makes you think I want your fucking forgiveness?
:'''Zeke Bellinger''': Now, Shirley, don't cuss.
:'''Shirley Bellinger''': You come in here all high and mighty deciding to free me of my guilt? Well, Zeke, I don't feel guilty. I did what l had to do, and unlike you, at least my balls were big enough. You came to console me? Well, I've got a little consolation prize for you. You and the chanteuse ought to go ahead and have yourselves another child, because when Katie died, you didn't lose a child. She wasn't yours.
:'''Zeke Bellinger''': What?
:'''Shirley Bellinger''': Your father raped me. That child was his seed.

=== ''Works of Mercy'' [4.04] ===

:'''Augustus Hill''': Mercy is the compassion we feel for someone else's misfortune. Mercy compels us to alleviate that misfortune. Mercy is a child of charity, but the sister of justice because both are about the invisible link that exists between people. Mercy is spontaneous because misery is involuntary.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bob Rebadow''': An extraordinary experience watching the life fade from someone's eyes. Even as he was dying, Hernandez's instinct was to kill me for killing him. Survival meant less to him than revenge.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Martin Querns''': The warden is correct. I have served in many correctional facilities, but what he didn't say was that, like most of you, I come from the streets. I'm not some candy-ass, white liberal looking to turn you into better citizens. I intend to meet with each of you individually, but until that time, keep one principle in mind: don't fuck with Querns.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo Glynn''': You only see the world as black and white. Trust me, life is gray, as gray as these fucking walls.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Reporter''': Shirley, do you have any thoughts as the hour approaches?
:'''Shirley Bellinger''': Thoughts? Of course I have thoughts, how could I not?
:'''Reporter''': Would you share them with us?
:'''Shirley Bellinger''': Sure. I'm wondering why anyone cares what my thoughts are. Sure as hell didn't care when my husband was drunk and beat me or when my father-in-law raped me. No, it wasn't until I killed my daughter, till I did something horrific that what I think matters. All I wanted was for someone to pay attention, and now that you finally are, I see that my life, then or now, isn't worth shit. Oh, if I say shit, you can't use this, right? I'm not supposed to say, ''shit,'' on the air, am I?

=== ''Gray Matter'' [4.05] ===

:'''Augustus Hill''': The criminal mind-- For the past 200 years, scientists, sociologists and other folks who fret about such things, have debated whether a person commits a violent act because of their environment or their biological makeup. What turns on the red crime light in a man's brain? lf we find the cause, can we eliminate the effect? Can we end violence now and forever?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''James Robson''': Beecher hasn't been out of his cell for two solid days. He just lies in his bunk sobbing like a wuss.
:'''Vern Schillinger''': Good. That's what's truly elegant about this plan of mine. We don't physically touch Beecher, and yet the damage done is far more hideous.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tobias Beecher''': It's funny, I can't cry. I don't have any more tears left.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Augustus Hill''': Genetics or environment? Like in everything else, society searches for the ''magic bullet''-- the easy answer, 'cause the more complex the answer is, the more terrified we become. Is the root of violence much deeper, much darker? How about ''pure evil''? Maybe we human creatures are inherently evil. Maybe evil is ingrained, embedded in our souls. Flip Wilson used to joke, ''The Devil made me do it.'' Maybe he was right. Or maybe not.

=== ''A Word to the Wise'' [4.06] ===

:'''Don Zanghi''': Chucky, are you afraid of dying?
:'''Chucky Pancamo''': No.
:'''Claire Howell''': ''(knocking on cell door)'' What the fuck you doing with a cigarette, Pancamo?
:'''Chucky Pancamo''': Smoking it.
:'''Claire Howell''': Put it out, now! Or I'm coming in there.
:'''Chucky Pancamo''': Now her? I'm afraid of.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris Keller''': ''[to Schillinger]'' Hey, Vern. Four marriages, I never had any kids, so I don't know dick about parenting, but you, fuck, you deserve some sort of prize. One son, you give him drugs knowing he'll OD. The other you set up for lethal injection. You're father of the fucking year, but you know what the best news is? When both your sons are dead, that'll be the end of it, 'cause you ain't making any more children. Not in here. So that when you die, your name dies with you. Everything you are dies when you do. And the world'll be a better place.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ryan O'Reily''': I do things different here in Oz than the way we worked on the street. For instance, when I want someone dead, I never grease them myself. I always-- I always talk someone else into doing the deed for me. I make them believe the person I want dead is their enemy. That way the kill can't be traced back to me.
:'''Patrick Keenan''': That's so cool.
:'''Ryan O'Reily''': You got, what, seven years till parole? 
:'''Patrick Keenan''': Uh-huh.
:'''Ryan O'Reily''': You think you'll go the distance?
:'''Patrick Keenan''': Sure, I'll get out.
:'''Ryan O'Reily''': Yeah. That's good. You keep believing that, Patrick. You know how I said that I always get someone to kill for me?
:'''Patrick Keenan''': Yeah.
:'''Ryan O'Reily''': Well in your case, I'm gonna make an exception.

=== ''A Town Without Pity'' [4.07] ===

:'''Vern Schillinger''': Look, I said I'd protect you from Keller. I'll protect you. Okay?
:'''Eli Zabitz''': Okay.
:'''Vern Schillinger''': Now buzz off.
:''[Zabitz leaves]''
:'''Vern Schillinger''': Jesus, I thought the Jews were supposed to be tough.
:'''James Robson''': That's just the Israelis.
:'''Vern Schillinger''': Hmm. Kill him. I'm going to take that shot again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vern Schillinger''': ''[about Zabitz]'' He dead?
:'''James Robson''': Heart attack.
:'''Vern Schillinger''': Jesus. I told him you got to watch that red meat.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tobias Beecher''': I prefer to be happy, but self-hate will do in a pinch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Augustus Hill''': Seven out of 10 inmates are from cities, but 90% of the prisons themselves are in rural areas. You know, farmland, hillsides, forests. Now you'd think such bucolic surroundings would have a calming effect on those inside. But no, out in the wild, things only get wilder.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Augustus Hill''': We are both of us, the same, Mobay. Cop killers. Except every single day, I wish I could take back what I'd done.
:'''Johnny Basil/Desmond Mobay''': Goergen was a monster.
:'''Augustus Hill''': Yeah, it takes a monster to kill a monster, right?

=== ''You Bet Your Life'' [4.08] ===

:'''Simon Adebisi''': See, we are all of us bad men, even you. I know you have come to destroy me.
:'''Kareem Said''': Simon, I don't want to destroy you. I want to help you change.
:'''Simon Adebisi''': That is what would destroy me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tim McManus''': All right, listen up, everybody. I'm ba-ack.

=== ''Medium Rare'' [4.09] ===
:'''Augustus Hill''': Journalists are supposed to be impartial. They're supposed to keep their personal opinions to themselves. However, on TV, we know what the reporter is feeling. We see Sam Donaldson or Andrea Mitchell giving us the facts, but with the camera that close up we can also tell by a raised eyebrow or a tiny inflection what they really think about the person they're reporting on. Now, Walter Cronkite, he had the poker face. Nobody ever knew what ol' Walt was thinking. So while he was telling the truth, he was also lying to the camera. That's genius!

=== ''Conversions'' [4.10] ===

:'''Tim McManus''': Now, when you violate the rules, instead of sending you to the hole, we're going to stick you inside that cage in full view of your adoring public. Any questions?
:'''Chris Keller''': Yes, Mr. McManus, sir. How big is your penis?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Omar White''': Shit, he called me a drug abuser, man. I ain't no drug abuser, Jack. I mean, truth be told, son, I treat my drugs better than most.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vern Schillinger''': I'm just sick of all this horseshit. I want to concentrate on the birth of my first grandchild. You know, I just want a little taste of happiness.
:'''James Robson''': Vern, you're starting to scare me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Burr Redding''': I grew up in the ghetto. Pops died when I was 10. I had to quit school, support my family by doing some of everything, from shining shoes to shooting craps. I went to Vietnam, where they taught me how to kill small children and women. I've been in all kind of penitentiaries from Arizona to Alabama and back. And I say all this not out of pride or shame. I just want to make sure that you grasp that l already grasped how things work around here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Arnold &quot;Poet&quot; Jackson''': Look, old man, let me tell you something-- 
:'''Burr Redding''': You think ''old man'' bothers me? Boy, I done had a whole lot of men tougher than you, you that called me worse didn't make it to old. My age is my honor and my strength.
:'''Arnold &quot;Poet&quot; Jackson''': Shit, you think you can just come up here and take control?
:'''Burr Redding''': Some people are born leaders, others are not. A wise man knows his own limitations. You think on that.

=== ''Revenge is Sweet'' [4.11] ===

:'''Chris Keller''': You know, sometimes I think I killed all those guys 'cause I wanted to kill the part of me I despise.

:'''Augustus Hill''': When you take revenge on somebody, you are actually paying them the highest compliment possible. It's like saying, ''You affected my life to such an extent that I must reciprocate. I must affect your life as deeply as you have mine.'' Revenge may be the ultimate Hallmark card. Yeah. When you think of it like that, the cliche is true: Revenge is sweet.

=== ''Cuts Like a Knife''  [4.12] ===

:'''Jeremiah Cloutier''': You're afraid of losing Kirk to Christ.
:'''Ray Mukada''': He already has Christ.
:'''Jeremiah Cloutier''': That is not Christ. That is show biz on a stick.
:'''Ray Mukada''': Show biz? You, of all people, you have turned faith into a cartoon.
:'''Jeremiah Cloutier''': Be careful, Father. Anger, envy. Those are two of the seven deadly sins.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''James Robson''': Yeah, your kid was involved in all kinds of shit. Drug deals and pimping. So there's any number of people who might want him dead.
:'''Vern Schillinger''': This is you consoling me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jeremiah Cloutier''': Why don't we pray together?
:'''Vern Schillinger''': How does the quote go? There is a time to be born, a time to die, a time for every purpose under heaven?
:'''Jeremiah Cloutier''': Yes.
:'''Vern Schillinger''': Well, the time for praying is over.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vern Schillinger''': What's your best memory of your son?
:'''Tobias Beecher''': The first time he came up unprompted and hugged me and said, &quot;Daddy, I love you.&quot; 
:'''Vern Schillinger''': Beecher, I promise not to hurt your daughter or anybody else in your family. See, I wanna believe that you are innocent of killing Hank. I wanna believe because I need to believe in something. Something besides hate. This grandchild that's coming is my last chance. My last hope. I want this kid to put his arms around my neck and say, &quot;I love you.&quot; Because see, I never had that before.
:'''Tobias Beecher''': I am sorry about your son.
:'''Vern Schillinger''': I'm sorry about yours too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tobias Beecher''': Do you really think we're gonna get into heaven? 
:'''Chris Keller''': You and me together? God doesn't have the balls to keep us out.

=== ''Blizzard Of 01'' [4.13] ===

:'''Clayton Hughes''': For the first time, I know who I am, my true self, the thing I was born to do. I can change the world.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Augustus Hill''': When I was 10 years old, I wanted a real job.
:'''Burr Redding''': You wanted a paper route.
:'''Augustus Hill''': Right. But instead, you had me selling smack.
:'''Burr Redding''': Well, you got to learn the business.
:'''Augustus Hill''': Why? Why did I need to learn how to sell drugs?
:'''Burr Redding''': Because we didn't have any other options back then. Let me tell you something. I ain't going to apologize for who I am or what I done, all right? Do I wish things had been better? Sure. Do I wish we'd been born in one of them fancy mansions up there on Kellogg Boulevard? Sure. But I don't hope and I don't dream. I take a shit in this world, I see reality and I make the best of it.
:'''Augustus Hill''': You ain't got to tell me about reality. I live in Oz. I live in this chair. And I wouldn't be here if you'd let me have the goddammed motherfucking paper route.

=== ''Orpheus Descending'' [4.14] ===
:'''Augustus Hill''': Back in the old Greek times there lived a man named Orpheus. Loved his wife, took it easy on the Ouzo, played a mean guitar. Upstanding guy. So what the almighty gods do? They fucked with him. Made his life Hades. Why? 'Cause that's what those in power do to those of us with none
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hill''': Love conquers all? Never has, never will.

=== ''Even the Score'' [4.15] ===
:'''Yood''': ''(after knocking Howell down a flight of stairs)'' Maybe I got lucky and she's dead.

:'''Robson''': Yo! Sorry about what happened to Leroy Tidd, or Ooga booga, or whatever the fuck you called him.
[Said starts pounding on Robson]
:'''Robson''': You fucking nigger!
:'''Said''': NIGGER! You wanna see the nigger in me!
[pounding intensifies]
:'''Said''': You wanna SEE the nigger in ME!
[continues beating Robson to a pulp]

:'''Robson''': [in the hospital] That spade motherfuckin', that cock motherfuck, motherfuckin' NIGGER!
[cut to Muslims]
:'''Arif''': The Aryans must be punished. We will NO LONGER tolerate their actions! From now on each and every one if us is on point!
[cut to Aryans]
:'''Schillinger''': So Said's nigger ass is in the hole, it looks like Arif's in charge. These motherfuckers are more pissed off than ever. I want you guys to watch each other's backs. Carry weapons from now on. This shit's coming down and it's coming down hard.

=== ''Famous Last Words'' [4.16] ===
:'''Hughes''': I hereby declare this the Republic of Huru! Huru! Huru! Huru!

== Season Five ==
=== ''Visitations'' [5.1] ===

:'''Augustus Hill''': Oz, the name on the street for the Oswald State Correctional Facility Level Four. Oz is filled with murderers, rapists, racists, drug dealers with the most common of criminals. But what is it that makes a man common? Better yet, what makes him unique? Winning wars, winning awards? No. What lifts a man out of the ordinary is who he loves and who loves him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eugenia Hill''': The tears are for Augustus, my little emperor. Locked in a cell, down in that wretched place, half his body dead. And damn all I keep thinking of is his first step.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Augustus Hill''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, lots of fine people have sat staring at the inside of prison walls. Socrates, Gandhi, Joan of Arc, Even our Lord Jesus Christ. He spent the last night of his life not with holy men, but with scum like the kind we've got in Oz. One of the last things Jesus did on earth was invite a prisoner to join him in heaven. He loved that criminal. I say, he loved that criminal as much as he loved anyone. Jesus knew in his heart it takes a lot to love a sinner. But the sinner, he needs it all the more.

=== ''Laws of Gravity'' [5.2] ===
:'''Timmy Kirk''': If you're not part of the solution, you're Satan's tool.

=== ''Dream A Little Dream of Me'' [5.3] ===
'''Schillinger:''' You know, I always wondered. Was Adebisi's dick bigger than mine? [scoops up some black grease] You be the judge.

=== ''Next Stop, Valhalla'' [5.4] ===
:'''Hill''': All Vikings were not stupid brutes. They had moments of brilliance. They were such great [[shipbuilders]] and sailors that Leif Eriksson and his crew landed in America first. Some say, travelling as far South as New York harbour. Here's where the true brilliance comes in : they took a look, turned around and went home. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris Keller''': Show me your tits. 
:'''Sister Pete''': Don't do that. 
:'''Chris Keller''': Sorry.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Timmy Kirk''': I want to become a Roman Catholic again. 
:'''Father Ray Mukada''': No. 
:'''Timmy Kirk''': What? You can't refuse me! 
:'''Father Ray Mukada''': I sure as hell can.

=== ''Wheel of Fortune'' [5.5] ===
:'''McManus''': I'm sorry Rebadow, it's your word against his. The word of a correctional officer against the word of an inmate... who is known to talk to God.

=== ''Variety'' [5.6] ===

:'''Faraj''': You know, with all your warped ideology, I bet you never gave much thought to why Adolf was so pissed off at the Jews. One theory is that he was traumatized by the death of his mother. She died of breast cancer and she was in the care of a Jewish physician, so, of course, the repressed hatred erupted itself into the Holocaust. Now, another theory is that Hitler's father was the illegitimate son of a German woman and some obscure Jewish man, and so Hitler himself had impure blood - Hey, now, now don't make me slip, because if I do, we are both in trouble, hmm? You know, it's amazing. We don't even know where these gums come from. I mean, this could be the gums of a kike, a spic, or even a faggot. You could be getting the beautiful gums of a big, black nigger.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cyril O'Reily''': We have to give the puppet a name.
:'''Sister Pete''': Good. What do you want to call him?
:'''Cyril O'Reily''': Jericho.
:'''Sister Pete''': Why Jericho?
:'''Cyril O'Reily''': 'Cause the walls came tumbling down.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Pete''': I want to find the three men who raped Schibetta.
:'''Leo Glynn''': Why?
:'''Sister Pete''': Why, Leo? Why?
:'''Leo Glynn''': Look, we're doing everything we can to keep the number of reported rapes down.
:'''Sister Pete''': Reported? Listen to you. Your own daughter was raped.
:'''Leo Glynn''': This is different. This is Oz.
:'''Sister Pete''': Rape is rape, Leo.
:'''Leo Glynn''': I don't agree. Here, rape has a a leveling effect. Peter Schibetta, from the day he arrived, wanted to be a tough guy, wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, running things, hurting people. Well, he got stopped by Adebisi. Now he got stopped again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Franklin Winthrop''': How the mighty have fallen.
:'''Adam Guenzel''': Fuck you, faggot.
:'''Vern Schillinger''': Guenzel.
:'''Adam Guenzel''': Hey, Vern. The boys in Em City send their regards.
:'''Vern Schillinger''': Shut up.
:'''Adam Guenzel''': Hey, I was just - ''[Vern slaps Guenzel]'' God, what the fuck was -
:'''Vern Schillinger''': You'll speak when you're spoken to.
:''[Aryans drag Guenzel into a broom closet to rape him]''
:'''Adam Guenzel''': Hey, get the fuck off me! Get off of me!
:'''Franklin Winthrop''': Sir, sir, may I watch?
:'''Vern Schillinger''': Well, if you don't, how are you ever gonna learn?

=== ''Good Intentions'' [5.7] ===
:'''Yood''': Don't take any wooden nickels.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Keller''': Do you think Jesus was a fag?
:'''Sister Peter Marie''': What?
:'''Keller''': Do you think Jesus was a fag? It's a legitimate question.
:'''Sister Peter Marie''': Are you trying to provoke me? Mock my religion?
:'''Keller''': Nope, just looking for a role model. Jesus was divine and human simultaneously, right?
:[''Sister nods'']
:'''Keller''': Did the divine part control his sexual appetites? And if so, what chance have I got? I'm not divine, far from it, and I mean all my life anytime I've gotten the urge... I've stuck my cock into any cavity that was open and available.

=== ''Impotence'' [5.8] ===
:'''Arif:''' You were right Imam, Allah has ''punished him for his sins''.
:[to Robson]
:'''Arif:''' Hey, how's the mouth?

== Season Six ==
=== ''Dead Man Talking'' [6.1] ===

:'''Augustus Hill''': Let me tell you, dying is a lot harder on the living than it is on the dead. Death really only hurts those left behind.

=== ''See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Smell No Evil'' [6.2] ===

:'''Ryan O'Reily''': Hey Chucky, you've got a minute?
:'''Chucky Pancamo''': For you O'Reily, I've got only 28 seconds. But the way you double-talk, it should be plenty.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Timmy Kirk''': ''[to Mukada]'' When I am executed, you will be stripped of your ministry, you will be abandoned by Holy Mother Church and you will spend the rest of your days wandering aimlessly and without hope. In death I will be triumphant.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''James Robson''': I don't really have anyone else to talk to in this place.
:'''Sister Pete''': That's what I'm here for.
:'''James Robson''': You ever been scared of dying? 
:'''Sister Pete''': Oh, yeah. My first year here, a man named Warren Sticks, we were in the middle of a session and suddenly he leapt out of his chair and started to choke me. I blacked out, and when I came to I was lying in a pool of blood, his blood. He had slit his wrists with the edge of my tape dispenser. I realized he was attempting to knock me out so he could kill himself.
:'''James Robson''': You remember that sensation, thinking you were gonna die?
:'''Sister Pete''': Is that how you feel now? 
:'''James Robson''': I've felt that way every day since as long as I can remember.
:'''Sister Pete''': How far back is that?
:'''James Robson''': Much further than I'd like. I was Gerald Robson's only child. Even as a kid, you do what you gotta do to survive, 'cause when you're six, running away is not an option.
:'''Sister Pete''': Did he beat you?
:'''James Robson''': Oh, yeah. And worse.
:'''Sister Pete''': Did he abuse you sexually?
:'''James Robson''': It's funny, here I am 36 years old, and I got nowhere to run. You know? And I-I guess what what I want to know is: Is it okay to do whatever is necessary to survive?

=== ''Sonata Da Oz'' [6.3] ===

=== ''A Failure to Communicate'' [6.4] ===

=== ''4Giveness'' [6.5] ===

:'''Hill''': A man stands in a cemetery, reading a letter he wrote forgiving his long dead father. The mother of a girl killed by a drunk driver is racked by fantasies of retaliation. Your boyfriend begs you for one more chance. You say to the mirror you're done hating yourself. But you know you're not. Maybe instead of forgive and forget, it should be forgive and remember. Remember that you might have to wake up tomorrow and forgive all over again. And again,and again, the way your heart keeps beating like a drum. Forgive. I can't. You can. Forgive. Forgive. I can't. You can. Forgive.

=== ''A Day in the Death...'' [6.6] ===

=== ''Junkyard Dawgs'' [6.7] ===
:'''Guerra''': Marriage ain't marriage without sex.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Idzik''': So don't you see? Everything that we do, the plans we make, the hopes we have, they're futile. Being good at a job, which I was, building a home, which I did, raising a family...which I had, none of it means anything because no matter how we try, how much we strive and struggle, it'll all come to naught. Life is a waste of time. So, that's why I'm counting on you to kill me. You will, won't you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hill''': Forget about having too much garbage, too many bottles, cans, watermelon rinds, disposable baby diapers and such. What's really terrifying in terms of the long term health of the planet is toxic waste. Toxic waste, you can't put two worse words together except maybe (pause) nuclear war.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Schillinger''': But Beecher knows too much about both of us. He's gotta die.
:'''Keller''': Yeah. 
:'''Schillinger''': I'll deal with it.
:'''Keller''': No, I'll kill Beecher.
:'''Schillinger''': You? 
:'''Keller''': Before I whack him, I just wanna fuck him in the ass one more time.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Keller''': I concocted this whole god damned thing just to convince you that I'm on the up and up. Now, if I was really siding with Schillinger, Toby, you'd be dead already. But instead...all I really want...is for you to love me again. ''[Forces a kiss on Beecher]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Torquemada''': Miguel Alvarez. I hear you're the man to know.
:'''Alvarez''': Whoever told you that was an idiot.

=== ''Exeunt Omnes'' [6.8] ===

:'''Miguel Alvarez''': I'm so tired. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of the walls. The lies. The fear. The death. I'm so tired.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vern Schillinger''': You're a dead man, sweetpea. ''[Vern is stabbed and realizes that Keller switched the prop knife]'' That cocksucker!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris Keller''': If it weren't for me, you'd be in the morgue, instead of Schillinger.
:'''Tobias Beecher''': Maybe.
:'''Chris Keller''': Yeah.
:'''Tobias Beecher''': But if you think I got any satisfaction out of killing him, you're wrong. You don't know me at all.
:'''Chris Keller''': I don't know you? I know you're free of that Nazi fuck!
:'''Tobias Beecher''': No, I'm not. No more free than I am of his two sons, or Metzger or Cathy Rockwell. Chris, after six years in this place I'm not sure about anything anymore. Heaven, justice, truth. The only thing I believe in is life. Every life is precious. Not just yours or mine, but every single person on the planet who's breathing, their lives are precious. And the loss of a single life, even in Oz, is my loss, too.
:'''Chris Keller''': Well, that's bullshit. The only thing that matters is you and me.
:'''Tobias Beecher''': I don't expect you to understand. You kill for sport.
:'''Chris Keller''': I don't understand? I'm not the one who got here by accident, pal. I kill because I have to. I kill what stands in my way like the Aryans.
:'''Tobias Beecher''': What? What about the Aryans?
:'''Chris Keller''': That they're no threat to us anymore. I took care of that.
:'''Tobias Beecher''': How? How'd you take care of it?
:'''Chris Keller''': Never mind, kiss me.
:'''Tobias Beecher''': Wait. Answer me this first, okay?
:'''Chris Keller''': Hmm?
:'''Tobias Beecher''': I want you to be honest, okay? Did you purposely fuck up my parole? 
:'''Chris Keller''': Toby, I couldn't face the rest of my life living in here without you. Don't you see? I did what I did out of love.
:'''Tobias Beecher''': If you really love me, then leave me alone.
:'''Chris Keller''': I can't.
:'''Tobias Beecher''': Listen to me. Listen to me. I loved alcohol. I loved heroin. I had to put them behind me because they were poison. Death. You are death. Let me live.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tobias Beecher''': When God was designing the universe why did he make something so wonderful so fucking painful?
:'''Sister Pete''': I think he thought we could handle it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Augustus Hill''': So, what have we learned? What's the lesson for today, for all the never-ending days and restless nights in Oz? That morality is transient? That virtue cannot exist without violence? That to be honest is to be flawed? That the giving and taking of love both debases and elevates us? That God or Allah or Yahweh has answers to questions we dare not even ask? The story is simple. A man lives in prison and dies. How he dies that's easy. The who and the why is the complex part the human part the only part worth knowing. Peace.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Harold Perrineau|Harold Perrineau]] - Augustus Hill
* [[w:Dean Winters|Dean Winters]] - Ryan O`Reily
* [[w:Scott William Winters|Scott William Winters]] - Cyril O`Reily
* [[w:Terry Kinney|Terry Kinney]] - Tim McManus
* [[Rita Moreno]] - Sister Peter Marie Reimondo
* [[w:J.K. Simmons|J.K. Simmons]] - Vernon 'Vern' Schillinger
* [[w:Eamonn Walker|Eamonn Walker]] - Kareem Said
* [[w:Christopher Meloni|Christopher Meloni]] - Christopher 'Chris' Keller 
* [[w:Lee Tergesen|Lee Tergesen]] - Tobias 'Toby' Beecher
* [[w:Ernie Hudson|Ernie Hudson]] - Warden Leo Glynn
* [[w:Kirk Acevedo|Kirk Acevedo]] - Miguel Alvarez
* [[Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje]] - Simon Adebisi
* [[Lauren Vélez]] - Dr. Gloria Nathan
* [[w:muMs da Schemer|muMs da Schemer]] - Arnold 'Poet' Jackson
* [[w:Philip Scozzarella|Philip Scozzarella]] - Officer Joseph Mineo
* [[w:George Morfogen|George Morfogen]] - Robert 'Bob' Rebadow
* [[w:Chuck Zito|Chuck Zito]] - #97P468 Chuck Pancamo
* [[w:B.D. Wong|B.D. Wong]] - Father Ray Mukada 
* [[w:R.E. Rodgers|R.E. Rodgers]] - #97R492 James Robson
* [[w:Zeljko Ivanek|Zeljko Ivanek]] - Governor James Devlin
* [[w:Granville Adams|Granville Adams]] - Zahir Arif
* [[w:Robert Clohessy|Robert Clohessy]] - Officer Sean Murphy
* [[w:Kristin Rohde|Kristin Rohde]] - Officer Claire Howell 
* [[Edie Falco]] - Officer Diane Whittlesey
* [[David Zayas]] - Enrique Morales
* [[w:Eddie Malavarca|Eddie Malavarca]] - Peter Schibetta 
* [[w:Austin Pendleton|Austin Pendleton]] - #58G714 William Giles
* [[w:Mark Margolis|Mark Margolis]] - Antonio Nappa
* [[w:Luke Perry|Luke Perry]] - Reverend Jeremiah Cloutier
* [[w:Luis Guzmán|Luis Guzmán]] - Raoul 'El Cid' Hernandez
* [[w:Brian Bloom|Brian Bloom]] - Ronald Barlog
* [[w:Lord Jamar|Lord Jamar]] - Supreme Allah
* [[w:Nelson Vasquez|Nelson Vasquez]] - Officer Eugene Rivera 
* [[w:Tom Mardirosian|Tom Mardirosian]] - Agamemnon 'The Mole' Busmalis
* [[w:Bobby Cannavale|Bobby Cannavale]] - Alonzo Torquemada

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0118421|title=Oz}}
* [http://imdb.com/title/tt0118421/fullcredits ''Oz - Full cast and crew''] at [[w:Internet Movie Database|Internet Movie Database]]
* [http://www.planetclaire.org/quote1.html ''Oz - Quotes''] at [http://www.planetclaire.org/ Planetclaire]

[[Category:1990s American crime drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American crime drama TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:HBO shows]]
[[Category:Prison TV shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>The Bedford Diaries</title>
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'''''[[w:The Bedford Diaries|The Bedford Diaries]]''''' (2006) is a television drama series that explores the excitement and intensity of New York City college life through the eyes of six students with different backgrounds, experiences and ages, who are brought together in a provocative Human Behavior and Sexuality seminar.

== Season One ==
=== ''I'm Gonna Love College (Pilot)'' [1.1] ===
:'''Sarah''': What would I change about my sexual past? I'd change my own head. I'd admit that I'm angry, that I'm wounded, that my heart was broken. Seems like we're so busy hooking up, sexually networking, making connections. Does sex even mean anything anymore? I guess I thought if I didn't take sex seriously, I could some how avoid being affected by it. If sex doesn't have anything to do with intimacy and I don't feel anything... somehow I'll be stronger. But that's not true. Opening yourself up, even if it means your heart and soul are crushed. That's what makes you stronger. That's what gives you the power to move on, put the past behind you. To get out there, and get your heart stomped on all over again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Richard''': When did it hit you that what you were feeling was love?
:'''Sarah''': When did it? ''[pauses to think]'' That's a pretty serious question.
:'''Richard''': I'm a journalist. It's what we do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sarah''': You are a son of a bitch!
:'''Richard''': That's not fair, you've never met my mother. She's quite lovely. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Richard''': I never said I wouldn't print the article.
:'''Sarah''': You said &quot;not to worry&quot;.
:'''Richard''': What I meant was &quot;I wasn't going to publish your name&quot;.
:'''Sarah''': What!? In your twisted mind, you think that makes you a gentlemen?!
:'''Richard''': You are completely bipolar. Last night, you sidled up to me, and said I can print anything I want. 
:'''Sarah''': Did you do this to bait me?
:'''Richard''': What?! You think I stay up night, thinking of ways to get you into my office?! ''[he thinks, and looks at her]'' Wait a minute, maybe I do!

=== ''The Truth About Sex'' [1.2] ===
:'''Zoey''': Art is life.
:'''Lee''': Life is art. 

=== ''Tell Me No Secrets'' [1.3] === 
:'''Jake''': Last week we discussed the definition of sexual misconduct. This week, let's talk about responsibility. Whoever you had for sixth grade health, Ms. Franklin, Sister Peter Marie...

=== ''Zen and the Art of Manipulation'' [1.4] ===
:'''Prof. Bonatelle''': ''[about Katrina and Richard]'' What if they just like each other?
:'''Prof. Macklin''': Like each other? ''[pause]'' I can see him liking her, but her liking him?
:'''Prof. Bonatelle''': She liked you too - once upon a time.

=== ''Love and the Tenth Planet'' [1.5] ===

:'''Owen''': I think I made love for the first time in my life. I realized what was happening...the sex, the feelings... they were different from everything else I had experienced. There are things that you can't say, that you have to show...physically. I don't know how to call it. Some kind of physicall emotion. But you both have to be talking. Simultaneously, physically. And when you do you find that you're saying the same things. That is amazing.

:'''Gunther''': How'd you learn to edit? 
:'''Zoe''': Strunk &amp; White Elements of Style. At first I thought it was a book about fashion, but I found I have a passion for punctuation. 
:'''Gunther''': Zoe. 
:'''Zoe''': Yes, Gunther? 
:'''Gunther''': Stop with the flirting. I'm gay.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sarah''': Are you even listening to me? Owen: Yeah, it's the only time I'll ever get to go to college... Sarah: Don't just repeat back what I say to you. Owen: Don't just repeat back what I say to you? Sarah: Owen, stop. 
:'''Owen''': I will. For a hundred dollars.

=== ''The Passion of the Beaver'' [1.6] ===
:'''Mr. Thorne''': You know you should grab your girl and get the hell out of here. You two haven't spend any time together at all.
:'''Richard''': You know she's networking, it's fine.
:'''Mr. Thorne''': It doesn't look to be your style to be the wall flower.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Owen''': ''[to Sara]'' You only want to help people, when they can do something for you. I know, you're such a great politician. ''[pause]'' Well you're a lousy sister! And a not to great human being.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Richard''': Passion is pain, passion is pain.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Katrina''': I used you!
:'''Richard''': For sex? Because I'm alright with that. 

=== ''Risky Business'' [1.7] ===
:'''Richard''': Do you lack compassion for other people? Maybe. But you definitely lack compassion for yourself.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jake''': This week's video diary assignment: how much are you willing to risk in order to get what you want.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Owen''': Well, I hope I'm not being un-PC or a little too OC to ask this, but did Richard Thorne spend the night last night?

=== ''Abstinence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder'' [1.8] ===  

:'''Professor Cole''': I read your paper. It's good. Well-written, impeccably researched. Lee: I'm glad you liked it. 
:'''Professor Cole''': Indeed I did. In fact, I've enjoyed this paper every time I've read it. Which according to my computer cheat check is three times before.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zoe''': Don't hire Cynthia back. Gunther: Reason: sanity. Logic: from the mouths of proofreaders.
:'''Richard''': Why not?
:'''Zoe''': Because I wrote this column. 
:'''Richard''': You? How long did it take you to write this? 
:'''Zoe''': About an hour. Richard: You're hired. Gunther, get her a desk. Gunther: She already has a desk. Richard: Get her a chair, get her something. I want this woman working on her next column now. 
:'''Zoe''': Gunther, I don't want this job. Gunther: Fine. You tell Richard.

== Cast ==
*[[w:Matthew Modine|Matthew Modine]] - Professor Jake Macklin
*[[w:Penn Badgley|Penn Badgley]] - Owen Gregory
*[[w:Victoria Cartagena|Victoria Cartagena]] - Zoe Lopez
*[[w:Tiffany Dupont|Tiffany Dupont]] - Sarah Gregory
*[[w:Corri English|Corri English]] - Natalie Dykstra
*[[w:Audra McDonald|Audra McDonald]] - Professor Carla Bonatelle
*[[w:Darien Sills-Evans|Darien Sills-Evans]] - Aaron Evans
*[[w:Milo Ventimiglia|Milo Ventimiglia]] - Richard Thorne
*[[w:Ernest Waddell|Ernest Waddell]] - Lee Hemmingway
*[[w:Aaron Yoo|Aaron Yoo]] - James Fong
*[[w:Scott Porter|Scott Porter]] - Jason Miller
*[[w:Jason Jurman|Jason Jurman]] - Peter Wortman

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0460626|title=The Bedford Diaries}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Bedford Diaries, The}}
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:2000s American teen drama TV shows]]
[[Category:WB shows]]</text>
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    <title>User talk:Wojciech Pędzich</title>
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      <comment>WMF scieerwo</comment>
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      <text bytes="747" xml:space="preserve">&lt;s&gt;==Welcome==

Hi {{PAGENAME}}. [[Wikiquote:Welcome, newcomers|Welcome]] to [[Wikiquote:About|English Wikiquote]].
* For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read [[Wikiquote:Wikiquote]].
* To ask for help or to talk with another editor, visit our [[Wikiquote:Village pump|Village pump]].
* To browse Wikiquote, take a look at our [[Wikiquote:Browse|browsing start page]].
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* Before creating new articles, consult our [[Wikiquote:Guide to layout|guide]]. You may practice [[Wikiquote:How to edit a page|how to edit a page]] at [[Wikiquote:Sandbox|Sandbox]].
* [[w:Wikipedia:Be bold|Be bold]].
Enjoy! ~ [[User:Jeffq|Jeff Q]]&amp;nbsp;[[User talk:Jeffq|(talk)]] 12:37, 13 April 2006 (UTC)</text>
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      <comment>Reverted edit by [[User:2A00:1828:1000:2217:0:0:0:2|2A00:1828:1000:2217:0:0:0:2]] ([[User talk:2A00:1828:1000:2217:0:0:0:2|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/2A00:1828:1000:2217:0:0:0:2|contributions]]) to last version by 86.111.240.164</comment>
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      <text bytes="744" xml:space="preserve">==Welcome==

Hi {{PAGENAME}}. [[Wikiquote:Welcome, newcomers|Welcome]] to [[Wikiquote:About|English Wikiquote]].
* For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read [[Wikiquote:Wikiquote]].
* To ask for help or to talk with another editor, visit our [[Wikiquote:Village pump|Village pump]].
* To browse Wikiquote, take a look at our [[Wikiquote:Browse|browsing start page]].
* To sign with a date, write four tildes (~&amp;#126;~~) and save.
* Before creating new articles, consult our [[Wikiquote:Guide to layout|guide]]. You may practice [[Wikiquote:How to edit a page|how to edit a page]] at [[Wikiquote:Sandbox|Sandbox]].
* [[w:Wikipedia:Be bold|Be bold]].
Enjoy! ~ [[User:Jeffq|Jeff Q]]&amp;nbsp;[[User talk:Jeffq|(talk)]] 12:37, 13 April 2006 (UTC)</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Clay Aiken</title>
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      <text bytes="9339" xml:space="preserve">{{people-cleanup|2014-04-08}}
[[File:Clay Aiken Merrillville 05-08-23.jpg|thumb|Clay Aiken]]

'''[[w:Clay Aiken|Clay Aiken]]''' (born [[November 30]], [[1978]]) [[USA|American]] singer, US Fund for [[w:UNICEF|UNICEF]] Ambassador, co-founder of the [[w:Bubel Aiken Foundation|Bubel Aiken Foundation]] (BAF).

He lives comfortably with his partner in North Carolina.

== Sourced ==  

*&quot;I think I've broken three (tha-ree) cameras today!&quot; &lt;br&gt;&lt;small&gt;—''Rolling Stone photo shoot''&lt;/small&gt;

*&quot;I'm being trained to shake the bon-bon appropriately..&quot; &lt;br&gt;&lt;small&gt;—''''Access Hollywood'' interview about his JukeBox Tour&lt;/small&gt; 

*&quot;[[w:Clive Davis|Clive]] [Davis] tried to tell me that saying certain words in a song- or as he says, ‘putting some balls into it'- isn't bad, it's just strong emotion. Well, there are certain words and emotions I don't want kids hearing, and I'm not changing because they think it's going to sell better. This is going to sound horrible, but I got 12 million votes doing what I did.&quot; &lt;br&gt;&lt;small&gt;—''''[[w:Time magazine|Time]]'', 10/5/03 - describing pressure he got from [[w:RCA|RCA]] to &quot;edge-up&quot; his songs to boost sales. &lt;/small&gt; 

===On Celebrity=== 

*&quot;I know this is going to sound cheesy and like I'm trying to be [[w:Miss America|Miss America]], but the most important responsibility a [[w:Celebrity|celebrity]] has is to set an example and be a [[w:Role model|role model]]. I want to make sure that no matter how long I go through this, I don't fall into the trap of changing and modifying how I do things that aren't a positive example. I want to remain somebody that the entire family can listen to or watch.&quot;  &lt;br&gt;&lt;small&gt;—''''[[w:Reuters|Reuters]]'', February 22, 2004.&lt;/small&gt; 

===On Charity===

*&quot;In my ideal world, no child would suffer.  [[w:Charity|Charitable]] instincts would prevail.  There would be [[w:global|global]] acceptance of all different types of people.&quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;small&gt;—''[[Learning to Sing: Hearing the Music in Your Life|Learning To Sing]]'', Page 240&lt;/small&gt;

*&quot;Service, and the learning that goes with it, fosters citizenship, knowledge, and personal development in everyone, young and old, with disabilities and without. Our partnership with Youth Service America will bring awareness to the fact that youth with disabilities are great assets and can serve as volunteers too.&quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;small&gt;—''U.S. Newswire''&lt;ref&gt; [http://releases.usnewswire.com/GetRelease.asp?id=44826 U.S. Newswire, Youth Service America press release, 3/24/2005 1:07:00 PM] retrieved April 16, 2006&lt;/ref&gt;&lt;/small&gt;

*UNICEF does amazing work. I thought I was a worldly person, and then I started working with them and realized I don’t know as much of my world as I need to. And if I don’t know as much about my world as I need to, then many, many, many people don’t.  So I’m thrilled to be in a position to be able to talk about it. And so I’m gonna.&lt;br&gt;&lt;small&gt;—''''FLY'' (online) magazine, November, 2005 issue&lt;/small&gt;

===On Christianity===
*I think there is a predisposition among Christians that Hollywood is anti-Jesus or anti-Christianity. I was warned I'd have to fight to maintain the freedom to express my beliefs. It's an unfair stereotype, and so far that's been the farthest from the truth. While everyone I work with may not share my beliefs, I have been surrounded by nothing but support.&quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;small&gt;—''Clay Aiken - Today's Christian Magazine''&lt;ref&gt; [http://www.christianitytoday.com/tc/2005/006/7.19.html ''Today's Christian'', November/December 2005] retrieved April 16, 2006&lt;/ref&gt; &lt;/small&gt;

=== Learning to Sing=== 
Random House, 2004 by Clay Aiken with Allison Glock
An inspirational memoir about the influences that shaped Aiken's life from childhood to pop star.  

*

== Quotes about Clay Aiken ==

*In the last ten years, as editor in chief of Today's Caregiver Magazine, I have interviewed many people who are living in the public eye, all of them having something of importance to say to family caregivers. Most times they've become caregivers after becoming famous, usually due to themselves or a family member taking ill. Our keynote speaker today is unique in that he is a professionally trained caregiver before he became known to all of us. And through the unbelievable constraints that have been placed on his time, he's never lost sight of his goal of becoming a teacher and helping children living with developmental disabilities. Only his classroom has become a whole lot larger than he ever expected.
*One other positive effect of his personal dedication is that as he increases the awareness of children with developmental disabilities and their need for inclusion, he's also created a dedicated and knowledgeable group of child advocates, also known as his fans. I've spoken with many of Clay's fans here, at the Hawaiian Voices for Change Gala, online and through our support of the Florida Voices for Change Gala, and I've got to tell you, they've become true ambassadors for inclusion, driven and knowledgeable in all aspects of inclusion. The bell has rung and Mr. Aiken's classroom is now truly in session across the world. 
*It's also our true privilege to present the Robert M. Barg Memorial Achievement Award to Clay. This award is very special to our hearts as it is named after the kindest man that we have ever met, our dad. It's rarely given and only presented to those who share that special brand of kindness and who work hard to truly make a difference in the lives of those in need. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Mr. Clay Aiken.
**Gary Barg, speech at the Today's Caregiver Convention in Florida, 2005

*To be fair to all, nobody from the show can tell a finalist whether a song choice is good or bad, no matter how much they want to know. Byrd remembers Clay Aiken: He'd say, 'Byrd, if this is a great song choice, blink your left eye.
**[[w:Debra Byrd|Debra Byrd]], (talking about American Idol)

*When I review the tape [of the show] the next day, there's lots of screaming and crying,...&quot;hen I recover the same way I do anytime I'm injured: ice, elevation and my Clay Aiken CD.
**[[Ellen DeGeneres]], ''US Weekend Magazine''

*What a dear young man.It was like watching magic. Absolute pure song. The boy stopped being there and there was nothing but singing. It was like watching magic...this young man unzipped himself and emerged like a butterfly.He did it so naturally and so beautifully that I think all of our jaws dropped and we thought &quot;wow.&quot; Clay Aiken. What a great kid.
**[[w:Ken Jenkins|Ken Jenkins]], Scrubs backstage interview

*I always like the idea that you can turn on the radio and say, 'Oh, that's Clay Aiken. Oh, that's Barbra Streisand. Oh, that's Frank Sinatra, Oh, that's Tony Bennett.' They're a star if you can identify them immediately by their sound. That kid has his own sound. He's got energy. He's got soul. He's got it all. That voice pours out of him.
**[[w:Merv Griffin|Merv Griffin]]

*We have someone here today, from the smash hit show American Idol, we're thrilled to have him joining us today, because when it was made known that he would appear on this Telethon, the emails and the fan clubs that this young man has have sent us $30,000.00 just at the fact that he was here.

*And I can honestly say I have never, in all of my life, seen a theatrical groundswell that this kid has motivated, that it makes us all come right back to the bobby sox and Frank. And isn't it nice to live through that magnificence again? Here is Clay Aiken
**Jerry Lewis introducing Clay Aiken at the 2003 MDA Telethon

=== From American Idol Judges ===

*Clay, you sing like Andre Agassi plays tennis, perfection, perfection. And I would kill to write and produce your first CD.&quot;
**Neil Sedaka, American Idol 2 guest judge 

*&quot;And Clay, I want to say something to you. I think you are one of the few people I've met throughout this competition who can take criticism like a grown up. Learn, You definitely got better, You've lost some of this facial thing which I think was distracting, and You just did a really grown up, fantastic performance. Congratulation.&quot; &lt;br&gt;&lt;small&gt; - Simon Cowell on &quot;Solitaire&quot; - &lt;/small&gt;

*&quot;Clay I think, without a doubt, this performance, that song, is the best performance of the entire competition that I've ever known. Unbelievable, unbelievable. &lt;br&gt;&lt;small&gt; - Paula Abdul on &quot;Unchained Melody&quot; - &lt;/small&gt;

*&quot;Clay, I think this is the third pop idol, or American idol have done, if you include the english one. Probably one of the best performance I've ever heard through the entire competition. &lt;br&gt;&lt;small&gt; - Simon Cowell on &quot;To Love Somebody&quot; - &lt;/small&gt;

==References==
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== External links== 
{{wikipedia}}
{{commons category}}
*[http://www.clayaiken.com/ Official RCA website]
* [http://www.clayaikenforum.com Clay Aiken] forum
*{{imdb name|id=1341750|name=Clay Aiken}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Aiken, Clay}}
[[Category:1978 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Singers from the United States]]
[[Category:Actors from the United States]]
[[Category:Politicians from the United States]]
[[Category:Philanthropists from the United States]]
[[Category:Activists from the United States]]
[[Category:Television personalities]]
[[Category:People from Raleigh]]
[[Category:Baptists from the United States]]
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  <page>
    <title>Judging Amy</title>
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      <text bytes="62494" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:Judging Amy|Judging Amy]]''''' (1999–2005) was an American television series, airing on [[w:CBS|CBS]], about a single mother who has left a high profile legal firm in New York behind to become a Family Court judge in Hartford, Connecticut.

__NOTOC__

&lt;!-- START TABLE OF CONTENTS --&gt;
{| class=&quot;wikitable&quot;
! align=center bgcolor=#EEEEEE | [[#Season 1|Season 1]]
! align=center bgcolor=#EEEEEE | [[#Season 2|Season 2]]
! align=center bgcolor=#EEEEEE | [[#Season 3|Season 3]]
! align=center bgcolor=#EEEEEE | [[#Season 4|Season 4]]
! align=center bgcolor=#EEEEEE | [[#Season 5|Season 5]]
! align=center bgcolor=#EEEEEE | [[#Season 6|Season 6]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Pilot|Pilot]]
| align=center | [[#Zero Tolerance|Zero Tolerance]]
| align=center | [[#The Last Word|Last Word]]
| align=center | [[#Lost in the System|The System]]
| align=center | [[#Motion Sickness|Sickness]]
| align=center | [[#Accountability|Accountability]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Short Calendar|Calendar]]
| align=center | [[#You're Not the Boss of Me|Not the Boss]]
| align=center | [[#Off the Grid|Off the Grid]]
| align=center | [[#Thursday's Child|Thursday]]
| align=center | [[#Going Down|Going Down]]
| align=center | [[#Lullaby|Lullaby]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Trial By Jury|Trial by Jury]]
| align=center | [[#Instincts|Instincts]]
| align=center | [[#Darkness For Light|Darkness]]
| align=center | [[#Every Stranger's Face I See|Stranger's Face]]
| align=center | [[#Ex Parte of Five|Ex Parte]]
| align=center | [[#Legacy|Legacy]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Victim Soul|Victim Soul]]
| align=center | [[#Convictions|Convictions]]
| align=center | [[#The Right Thing To Do|Right Thing]]
| align=center | [[#The Frozen Zone|Frozen Zone]]
| align=center | [[#Tricks of the Trade|Tricks]]
| align=center | [[#Consent|Consent]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Last Tango in Hartford|Last Tango]]
| align=center | [[#Unnecessary Roughness|Unnecessary]]
| align=center | [[#Look Closer|Look Closer]]
| align=center | [[#Cause For Alarm|Cause for Alarm]]
| align=center | [[#The Wrong Man|Wrong Man]]
| align=center | [[#Order and Chaos|Order &amp; Chaos]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Witch Hunt|Witch Hunt]]
| align=center | [[#The Burden of Perspective|Perspective]]
| align=center | [[#The Unbearable Lightness of Being Family|Being Family]]
| align=center | [[#Roses and Truth|Roses &amp; Truth]]
| align=center | [[#Into the Fire|Into the Fire]]
| align=center | [[#Catching It Early|Catching It]]
|-
| align=center | [[#An Impartial Bias|Impartial Bias]]
| align=center | [[#Dog Days|Dog Days]]
| align=center | [[#Imbroglio|Imbroglio]]
| align=center | [[#Damage Control|Damage Control]]
| align=center | [[#Kilt Trip|Kilt Trip]]
| align=center | [[#Early Winter|Early Winter]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Near Death Experience|Experience]]
| align=center | [[#Waterworld|Waterworld]]
| align=center | [[#Rights of Passage|Rites of Passage]]
| align=center | [[#A Pretty Good Day|Good Day]]
| align=center | [[#The Long Goodbye|Long Goodbye]]
| align=center | [[#Conditional Surrender|Surrender]]
|-
| align=center | [[#The Persistence of Tectonics|Tectonics]]
| align=center | [[#The Undertow|Undertow]]
| align=center | [[#Surprised by Gravity|Gravity]]
| align=center | [[#Boys to Men|Boys to Men]]
| align=cemter | [[#Rumspringa|Rumspringa]]
| align=center | [[#Silent Era|Silent Era]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Crowded House|Crowded House]]
| align=center | [[#Adoption Day|Adoption Day]]
| align=center | [[#Beating the Bounds|Beating the Bounds]]
| align=center | [[#People of the Lie|People of the Lie]]
| align=center | [[#Sex and the Single Mother|Single Mother]]
| align=center | [[#The Long Run|Long Run]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Presumed Innocent|Innocent]]
| align=center | [[#The Claw is Our Master|The Claw]]
| align=center | [[#Crime and Puzzlement|Puzzlement]]
| align=center | [[#Lost and Found|Lost &amp; Found]]
| align=center | [[#Christenings|Christenings]]
| align=center | [[#10,000 Steps|10,000 Steps]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Spoil the Child|Spoil the Child]]
| align=center | [[#8 1/2 Narrow|8-1/2 Narrow]]
| align=center | [[#Who Shot Dick?|Who Shot Dick?]]
| align=center | [[#Ye Olde Freedom Inn|Freedom Inn]]
| align=center | [[#Dancing in the Dark|Dancing]]
| align=center | [[#You Don't Know Me|Don't Know Me]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Zero to Sixty|0 to 60]]
| align=center | [[#The Beginning, the End, and the Murky Middle|Murky Middle]]
| align=center | [[#The Cook of the Money Pot|Money Pot]]
| align=center | [[#The Best Interests of the Child|Best Interests]]
| align=center | [[#Sins of the Father|Father's Sins]]
| align=center | [[#Dream a Little Dream|Little Dream]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Shaken, Not Stirred|Not Stirred]]
| align=center | [[#One For the Road|1 For the Road]]
| align=center | [[#The Extinction of the Dinosaurs|The Dinosaurs]]
| align=center | [[#Wild Card|Wild Card]]
| align=center | [[#Roadhouse Blues|Roadhouse Blues]]
| align=center | [[#Happy Borthday|Happy Borthday]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Culture Clash|Culture Clash]]
| align=center | [[#The Treachery of Compromise|Compromise]]
| align=center | [[#Can They Do That With Vegetables?|Vegetables]]
| align=center | [[#Maxine, Interrupted|Interrupted]]
| align=center | [[#Werewolves of Hartford|Werewolves]]
| align=center | [[#Hard To Get|Hard To Get]]
|-
| align=center | [[#The Wee Hours|Wee Hours]]
| align=center | [[#Everybody Falls Down|Falls Down]]
| align=center | [[#Woman in Cacti With a Curled Up Rat|Woman in Cacti]]
| align=center | [[#Sixteen Going on Seventeen|16 Going on 17]]
| align=center | [[#Baggage Claim|Baggage Claim]]
| align=center | [[#The Paper War|Paper War]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Drawing the Line|Drawing the Line]]
| align=center | [[#Romeo and Juliet Must Die--Well, Maybe Just Juliet|Romeo &amp; Juliet]]
| align=center | [[#Not Stumbling, But Dancing|Not Stumbling]]
| align=center | [[#Judging Eric|Judging Eric]]
| align=center | [[#The Song That Never Ends|Song Never Ends]]
| align=center | [[#The New Normal|New Normal]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Human Touch|Human Touch]]
| align=center | [[#The Unforgiven|Unforgiven]]
| align=center | [[#The Justice League of America|Justice League]]
| align=center | [[#Looking For Quarters|Looking For Quarters]]
| align=center | [[#Disposable|Disposable]]
| align=center | [[#Sorry I Missed You|I Missed You]]
|-
| align=center | [[#The Out-of-Towners|Out-of-Towners]]
| align=center | [[#Between the Wanting and the Getting|The Wanting]]
| align=center | [[#Men Aren't Monsters|Men Aren't Monsters]]
| align=center | [[#Just Say Oops|Just Say Oops]]
| align=center | [[#The Quick and the Dead|Quick &amp; the Dead]]
| align=center | [[#Revolutions Per Minute|RPM]]
|-
| align=center | [[#The God Thing|God Thing]]
| align=center | [[#Grounded|Grounded]]
| align=center | [[#The Bottle Show|Bottle Show]]
| align=center | [[#Requiem|Requiem]]
| align=center | [[#Slade's Chophouse|Chophouse]]
| align=center | [[#Too Little, Too Late|Too Little]]
|-
| align=center | [[#The Scare (aka Friday the 13th)|The Scare]]
| align=center | [[#Ch...Ch...Ch...Changes|Changes]]
| align=center | [[#Show Me Love|Show Me Love]]
| align=center | [[#Separation Anxiety|Separation]]
| align=center | [[#After Hours|After Hours]]
| align=center | [[#Goodbye, Yellow Brick Road|Yellow Brick Road]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Gray vs. Gray|Gray vs. Gray]]
| align=center | [[#Redheaded Stepchild|Redheaded]]
| align=center | [[#Tidal Wave|Tidal Wave]]
| align=center | [[#Picture of Perfect|Picture Perfect]]
| align=center | [[#Predictive Neglect|Predictive]]
| align=center | [[#Getting Out|Getting Out]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Not With a Whimper|With a Whimper]]
| rowspan=3 align=center | [[#Hold on Tight|Hold on Tight]]
| align=center | [[#Boston Terriers From France|Boston Terriers]]
| align=center | [[#CSO: Hartford|CSO: Hartford]]
| align=center | [[#My Little Runaway|Little Runaway]]
| rowspan=3 align=center | [[#My Name is Amy Gray...|Amy Gray...]]
|-
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Blast From the Past|Blast From Past]]
| align=center | [[#Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition|Inquisition]]
| align=center | [[#Marry, Marry Quite Contrary|Marry, Marry]]
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Sex, Lies and Expedia.com|Sex, Lies]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Come Back Soon|Come Back]]
| align=center | [[#Shock and Awe|Shock &amp; Awe]]
|-
| colspan=3 align=center bgcolor=#DDDDDD | [[#Cast|Cast]]
| colspan=3 align=center bgcolor=#DDDDDD | [[#External links|External links]]
|} &lt;!-- END TABLE OF CONTENTS --&gt;

== Season 1 ==
=== ''Pilot'' ===
:'''Amy''': Yes, you nailed it. He's a cross-dressing serial killer.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxine''': I know more about her ovaries than I do my own.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vincent''': This is what we call 'middle class angst.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lauren''': ''[about her book report]'' I was gonna do ''The Secret Garden'', but I'm doing ''Everybody Poops'' instead. 
:'''Amy''': How about... 'Everybody Poops in the Secret Garden'?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lauren''': Why are they talking about us like we're not here?
:'''Amy''': It's a family tradition, sweetie.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bruce''': Do you have a problem with me not being a woman?
:'''Amy''': Not if you don't.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vincent''': She's asleep.
:'''Amy''': She doesn't want me to tuck her in?
:'''Vincent''': No. No, she's not interested. She says that she loves you, but that she's not in love with you. No, that was another conversation.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lauren''': That's ridiculous! Cars just don't start moving.
:'''Vincent''': Please, Judge, give me a chance. I don't want to go to jail.
:'''Lauren''': Well, what are you going to do for me? 
:'''Vincent''': I don't think Judge Barbie's supposed to say that. 
:'''Amy''': Ok, bedtime!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': What? I don't look judicial?
:'''Maxine''': No! You look like a deranged minister!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vincent''': No, no, no. It's a very bad idea to drink alone.
:'''Amy''': Well, it's either that or matricide.
:'''Vincent''': Then go ahead. I'll wait.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vincent''': You sure can clear a room.
:'''Maxine''': It hasn't worked on you yet. 

=== ''Short Calendar'' ===
:'''Maxine''': Lauren, your opinions are not as fascinating as you think they are.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lauren''': What's anorexia?
:'''Maxine''': A disease women get from reading magazines.

=== ''Trial By Jury'' ===
:'''Maxine''': Peter, go over there and deal with that sales girl. Something about her scares me. I think it's her teeth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': I happen to remember something Professor Larkin said about you. He said you had a brilliant mind for theatrics, and you would do well in the courtroom, until you met a judge who was smarter than you. Well, guess what just happened.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': I have to check my compassion at the door.
:'''Greta''': Says who?
:'''Amy''': I've got to think about the law, not the people.
:'''Greta''': Well, what do you think the law is for? When you uphold the law, you uphold the good of the people. Not just the people in your courtroom. All of them. Nobody loses.

=== ''Victim Soul'' ===
:'''Amy''': Where's Vincent?
:'''Maxine''': He said something about a freelance writing job.
:'''Lauren''': It's the lady from the hardware store, he met her looking for screws. 

=== ''Last Tango in Hartford'' ===
:'''Vincent''': Writing is writing. It's even better when you get paid for it.

=== ''Witch Hunt'' ===

=== ''An Impartial Bias'' ===
:'''Vincent''' (to Maxine): I just found this letter of acceptance for Dad. Why didn't he go to Yale Medical School? 
:'''Maxine''': The week your father was accepted, we found out I was pregnant with Peter. 
:'''Vincent''': So Dad quit his dreams and went into the insurance business?
:'''Maxine''': No, he didn't quit his dreams, he traded them for a different one. Your father was a pragmatist, Vincent and he loved his family very much. 
:'''Vincent''': So he wanted a family more than medical school? 
:'''Maxine''': Yes. When we had Amy, I figured perfect one boy, one girl, now we have our family, but your father wanted one more. He finally talked me into it. 
:'''Vincent''': So you never wanted me?
:'''Maxine''': Just in the abstract, dear.

=== ''Near Death Experience'' ===
:'''Maxine''': No, if I sit still, I'll think terrible things. Like, how hard is it to hire a hitman? And, do they take credit cards? 

=== ''The Persistence of Tectonics'' ===
:'''Maxine''': And this is a very nice gay man, Justin, whom we just met. And this is my son, Vincent, who isn't gay. He's a writer.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxine''': I was just down in the basement...Hooking a rug.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxine''': After 40 years of cooking Thanksgiving dinner, even the word 'Thanksgiving' makes me mad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vincent''': Something smells good.
:'''Amy''': That would be Socrates' breath.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': You could be a little more sympathetic.
:'''Bruce''': I don't do sympathetic.
:'''Amy''': Of course not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxine''': You know what I read the other day? That Denver, Colorado is moving closer to San Francisco, California by an inch every ten years.
:'''Amy''': Is this relevant?
:'''Maxine''': An inch every ten years. That's the way the Rocky Mountains were formed, and that's the way the world changes. Not by stamping your foot to get your way. Not even by the bang of a gavel. It's by the choices that we make, you know, all the time. You do what you think is right, every time. Slowly, the world starts to change. That's how we leave our imprint on life -- an inch every ten years.
:'''Amy''': Where do you come up with this stuff?
:'''Maxine''': I don't know; just pops into my head. It's a curse, really. 

=== ''Crowded House'' ===
:'''Maxine''': Please, don't let me break your concentration by living here. 

=== ''Presumed Innocent'' ===
:'''Donna''': Some people believe that before we’re born, when we’re still in spirit form, we make a deal with the universe... choose the families we’re born into. We have different reasons, based on the lessons we need to learn. I’m not sure what I was thinking when I chose mine. But, it’s obvious why Judge Gray chose hers. I’m just really glad I could be a part of it. God bless us... every one.
:'''Maxine''': Amen 

=== ''Spoil the Child'' ===

=== ''Zero to Sixty'' ===
:'''Maxine''': ''[about a naked baby picture]'' My father took that one. If I lose a few teeth and start drooling, I'll be right back there again.
:'''Amy''': Wearing a few more clothes, I hope.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxine''': I find it very self-aware that the parties object to being referred to as 'parents.'

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxine''': My best solution isn't repeatable in court, Your Honor.

=== ''Shaken, Not Stirred'' ===
:'''Maxine''': Ten-year-old children cannot take care of themselves. They need their parents, but if their parents betray them, they need us.
----
:'''Donna''': Judge Gray?
:'''Amy''': Uh, Donna?
:'''Donna''': Are you seeing someone?
:'''Amy''': Excuse me?
:'''Donna''': You're glowing.
:'''Amy''': No, I'm not.
:'''Donna''': Oh yeah, you are.
:'''Amy''': Donna, I'm not glowing.
:'''Donna''': Sorry.
----

=== ''Culture Clash'' ===
:'''Amy''': It's my brother's book! My baby brother. Vincent Gray.
:'''Vincent''': She's out on a day pass.

=== ''The Wee Hours'' ===
:'''Lauren''': Leesha says she a Libertarian. What's that?
:'''Amy''': Somebody who doesn't have children.
----
:'''Amy''': [to Bruce] Well, maybe four hours sleep isn't enough for you, Mr. Smarty-Pants.
:'''Bruce''': May I assume since you're calling me &quot;Mr. Smarty-Pants&quot; that the official part of the reprimand is over?
----

=== ''Drawing the Line'' ===
:'''Maxine''': Amy, why on earth are you teaching a class at Yale?
:'''Amy''': Because they asked me.&quot;
:'''Maxine''': There's a handy little two-letter word you might want to learn.
:'''Amy''': Mom, it's an honor to be asked. You should be congratulating me.
:'''Maxine''': I'll congratulate you when you learn how to take a nap.
----
:'''Amy''': You know, Leesha, you might want to watch how many sentences you begin with &quot;Michael said.&quot; People might not think you have any thoughts of your own.

=== ''Human Touch'' ===
:'''Amy''': Here's a new idea. Why don't you tell her how you feel?
:'''Vincent''': What, and let down my whole gender?
:'''Amy''': Do you love her?
:'''Vincent''': I don't know. What? I'm standing here with a mocha latte talking to my sister about love. My sperm count is plummeting!
:'''Amy''': You love her!
:'''Vincent''': Shut up! I gotta run.
----
:'''Amy''':  God, Peter, when we were growing up you were the cool one. You were the guy in the band. You were the guy who could ditch all your classes and still make straight &quot;A&quot;s. You were looking to legalize marijuana! What happened to that guy? When did you become... this guy?
:'''Peter''': Dad died and I grew up. Someone had to.
----

=== ''The Out-of-Towners'' ===
:'''Maxine''': If I end up in a dumpster, it's your fault.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vincent''': Are we going to be one of those couples that solves every dispute by having wild monkey sex?
:'''Lisa''': God, I hope so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxine''': And why is it so hard for you to believe that I'm attractive to men?
:'''Peter''': Uh...you're my mother?
:'''Maxine''': And I got that way by being attractive to men.

=== ''The God Thing'' ===
:'''Greta''': Life is full of endless opportunities to make a fool of yourself.
:'''Amy''': Well, if somebody's keeping score, then I should be heading into the bonus round right about now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kimberly''': This is obviously a case of professional jealousy.
:'''Maxine''': ''[smiling]''...the lawyer wishes she could be a wire-bender?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': My friend, Greta, found God.
:'''Bruce''': I didn't know He was missing.

=== ''Gray vs. Gray'' ===
:'''Maxine''': The truth is, we're all going to die. The blessing is, we don't know when. And that's what allows us to go on.

=== ''Not With a Whimper'' ===

=== ''Blast From the Past'' ===

== Season 2 ==
=== ''Zero Tolerance'' ===
:'''Amy''': ''[to Vincent in the hospital]'' Wouldn't it be great if it could be Mom's fault?

=== ''You're Not the Boss of Me'' ===

=== ''Instincts'' ===

=== ''Convictions'' ===

=== ''Unnecessary Roughness'' ===
:'''Terry Ventrella''': Are you sorry about slamming my Johnny in that door?
:'''Maxine''': Nope. Keep your damn Johnny out of my gas tank.

=== ''The Burden of Perspective'' ===

'''Amy:''' Yeah, one of those &quot;Our family can beat up your family&quot; shots.

=== ''Dog Days'' ===

=== ''Waterworld'' ===
:'''CD Announcer''': You are giving your baby the gift of non-violent birth.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
:'''Maxine''': Anyway, I can see how Carol might not like you, but I'm adorable.

=== ''The Undertow'' ===
:'''Maxine''': I never said I broke up with Jared.
:'''Amy''': Are you saying you didn't?
:'''Maxine''': What I'm saying is whether I did or not is none of your business!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
:'''Amy''': Mom, I hate her. But Lauren thinks the sun shines right out of her butt.

=== ''Adoption Day'' ===
:'''Gillian''': I love you, Amy.
:'''Amy''': I love you, too.
:'''Gillian''': But, I mean, you are way too skinny for someone with such a nice rack.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rob''': Sometimes people gotta obliterate everything in their path just to get themselves back on track.
:'''Amy''': That's exactly how it feels. 
:'''Rob''': And sometimes innocent people get incinerated because they happen to be too close to the blow.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Can tuna actually freeze?
:'''Bruce''': Apparently so.
:''[Knocking on door]''
:'''Vincent''': Hey. Am I interrupting?
:'''Bruce''': Just having some tuna Slurpees...

=== ''The Claw is Our Master'' ===

=== ''8 1/2 Narrow'' ===
:'''Amy''': Ms. Winston, I am ruling, and you are... shutting up.

=== ''The Beginning, the End, and the Murky Middle'' ===

=== ''One For the Road'' ===

=== ''The Treachery of Compromise'' ===

=== ''Everybody Falls Down'' ===
:'''Maxine''': Oh, Fran. I lack delicacy.
:'''Fran''': No kidding.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vincent''': What's wrong with Katie?
:'''Amy''': Nothing, if you like perky, nubile teenagers.
:'''Vincent''': I think I'm gonna let that one pass. 

=== ''Romeo and Juliet Must Die--Well, Maybe Just Juliet'' ===
:'''Vincent''': When a person kills another person, it leaves a mark.
:'''Donna''': Yeah, especially when he uses an axe the way Oscar did.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxine''': No, Gillian, I can't think of a reason not to have lunch. Maybe Amy will join us. No, she's been up for hours, doing yoga and writing her autobiography. 

=== ''The Unforgiven'' ===

=== ''Between the Wanting and the Getting'' ===

=== ''Grounded'' ===
:''[Lauren finds Jared and Maxine alone, ready to kiss]''
:'''Lauren''': Are you kissing my Grandma?
:'''Jared''': I was about to, yes.
:'''Lauren''': OK.

=== ''Redheaded Stepchild'' ===
:''[Carole enters to see Donna and Lauren playing Barbies and Vincent working on his book]''
:'''Carole''': So, uh, what are we all doing?
:'''Lauren''': Donna and I are playing 'Parole Board Babes' and Uncle Vincent is cutting his novel to shreds. 

=== ''Hold on Tight'' ===
:'''Maxine''': It's not the letting go that hurts, it's the holding on.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sean''': You are a very scary lady.
:'''Maxine''': Thank you. 

== Season 3 ==
=== ''The Last Word'' ===
:'''Sean''': This is because you're in charge over at Sanctuary House.
:'''Maxine''': Sanctuary House is a collaboration.
:'''Sean''': Nothing with you is a collaboration.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sean''': Everyone's dismissed. Except Maxine.
:'''Maxine''': Am I being kept after social work?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bruce''': Tell you what. You have a complete psychotic breakdown. I'll cover for you. I'll put on a robe and a wig... Come on. I'll walk you to your car. ''[she doesn't answer]'' Amy, I'll walk you to your car. Judge Gray?
:'''Amy''': No. It's okay.
:'''Bruce''': No, it's not. I'll walk you to your car.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Yeah, I was there when it happened.
:'''Stu''': I know. You told me to blow it up my butt.
:'''Amy''': I was hoping you wouldn't remember that part.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxine''': Kimberly, do the civilized world a favor and keep your opinions to yourself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxine''': Sean, one day you're going to have children. And I'm going to enjoy that so much. 

=== ''Off the Grid'' ===
:'''Sean''': Listen up. It is about damn time you people became more afraid of me than Maxine Gray.

:'''Vincent''': (to Lauren) Is guilt a genetic pre-disposition with the Gray women or is it a learned behavior?

:'''Vincent''': Grandma is so caught up in her own dunnage. 
:'''Lauren''': You're saying a lot of stuff I don't understand today.
:'''Vincent''': It's this thing women do when they need help or emotional support they retreat into their own world where no man no matter how much they love her is allowed to enter.

=== ''Darkness For Light'' ===
:'''Amy''': One day, I'm going to find a man who thinks ''I'm'' the [[meaning of life]].
:'''Maxine''': Amy, don't be trippy. The best you can hope for is a man who doesn't think about the meaning of life when he's with you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donna''': ''[jumps out of her seat]'' Ha! Just so you know, Judge Gray was a big shot corporate lawyer on Wall Street before we got her. ''[Amy and Bruce look at her and she sits]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxine''': ''[to Sean]'' Yes, I am sacrificing the good of the many for the good of the one. I am willing to burn in hellfire for all damnation for that, therefore you don't scare me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bruce''': Do you smell chlorine?
:'''Amy''': I went for a swim. For fitness.
:'''Bruce''': That would explain it.

=== ''The Right Thing To Do'' ===
:'''Jared''': Maxine, I forget. Why are we breaking up?
:'''Maxine''': Because it's the right thing to do.
:'''Jared''': I hate the right thing to do.
:'''Maxine''': So do I. It's a pain in the ass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vincent''': Please marry me.
:'''Carol''': I'm wearing paper.
:'''Vincent''': Okay?
:'''Carol''': I didn't want to be wearing paper when I got engaged.
:'''Vincent''': I could ask you again tonight when you're wearing clothes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxine''': You can't democratize a personal conviction. That's what this is. I'm taking a stand. And I'm more than willing to stand alone.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Donna opens shower curtain]''
:'''Vincent''': Donna! I'm in the shower!
:'''Donna''': No kidding.
:'''Vincent''': Naked!
:''[Donna hands him a towel]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxine''': Is this what they call a high-class problem?
:'''Amy''': I guess so.
:'''Maxine''': Funny. Feels just like a regular one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Why does this feel like it's a marriage?
:'''Bruce''': Because it is.
:'''Amy''': Without the obvious perks. ''[Bruce looks confused]'' You don't fix things around the house.

=== ''Look Closer'' ===

=== ''The Unbearable Lightness of Being Family'' ===

=== ''Imbroglio'' ===
:'''Amy''': Life wants to be a mess. Don't ask me why.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': So, it's not like flirting.
:'''Bruce''': No, it's not like flirting.
:'''Amy''': Because priests don't flirt.
:'''Bruce''': Not if they like their jobs.
:'''Amy''': So, we're talking nada? No heavy petting, light petting...?
:'''Bruce''': Do I look like I want to be having this conversation?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': You think you're cute, don't you?
:'''Bruce''': I ''am'' cute. Here. We're on the set up committee. So, set up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prosecutor''': If I had a 6-year-old sucking on some part of my anatomy and called it a bonding experience, I'd be arrested.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prosecutor''': I think Your Honor would agree that this is a little too happy of a meal.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Who's that?
:'''Bruce''': A friend. Where's your hair?
:'''Amy''': Where's yours?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bruce''': I have three rules. I don't lend money, I don't touch lettuce, I don't set people up.
:'''Amy''': You don't touch lettuce?
:'''Bruce''': It's cold, it's wet, it squeaks. I don't have to explain myself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': What's his deal?
:'''Bruce''': His 'deal' is his business. And I told you -
:'''Amy''': I know. You don't touch lettuce.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Tell me I never said the words 'sippy cup' while on the verge of tears.
:'''Maxine''': No, but you were an averagely nervous young mother, so try to understand what she's going through.
:'''Amy''': Why are you picking on me?
:'''Maxine''': Vincent's gone. I have to pick on somebody. 

=== ''Rights of Passage'' ===
:'''Maxine''': Kyle!
:'''Kyle''': Thank God you aren't insane.
:'''Maxine''': Why?
:'''Kyle''': Because I spent most of my childhood trying to make you that way.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''Surprised by Gravity'' ===
:'''Kyle''': I used to sleepwalk through life, ignorant of the importance beef tallow plays in the flavoring of french fries. Now, I have been enlightened, and the french fry holds no secrets from me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Hey, Kyle. That's not a Jaguar.
:'''Kyle''': No, it's not. But it has aspirations.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxine''': ''[to Amy about her garnishing the meatloaf]'' Amy, any more parsley and it'll look like a putting green.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kyle''': Well, Aunt Max lit the oven for me, but I sliced the sausage of the pre-mixed dough.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''Beating the Bounds'' ===
:'''Amy''': ''[about the woman who wanted Amy to perform her divorce ceremony]'' She chose me because you have a great rear end.
:'''Bruce''': Yes. I do.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lauren''': What's an orgasm?
:'''Amy''': Oh, honey, I'm not sure if I remember anymore. I might have to look it up in a book.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lauren''': (to Amy as Kyle walks by) How do you cheat with sex?
:'''Kyle''': Alcohol, music, and Viagra.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxine''': (to Kyle) You have accomplished the &quot;self-distructive, I don't-give-a-damn&quot; look.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''Crime and Puzzlement'' ===
:'''Amy''': I've seen you rant. You can't unring that bell.
:'''Bruce''': Would you like a list of things I've seen you do?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bruce''': When they get to Andrew Lloyd Webber, I quit.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''Who Shot Dick?'' ===
:'''Richard''' (to Maxine): I made my own way in this world.
:'''Maxine''': The hell you did. Daddy sent you to medical school. By the time it was my turn, there was nothing left. 
:'''Richard''': You went to college.
:'''Maxine''': I worked three jobs. I didn't pay off those loans till 1967. You were his hope, I was his after-thought. My God Richard. I don't want to go over this again. 
:'''Richard''': None of this is justification for keeping me from my son. 
:'''Maxine''': Edward was dead at 55.
:'''Richard''' (about Kyle): He's my son, Maxine!
:'''Maxine''': He's an adult. No one forced his hand. You're making things worse. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''': I've been reading Robin Hood to Ned.
:'''Kyle''': Steal from the rich and give to the poor? You're the quasi-communist, Peter.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxine''': I have a good memory.
:'''Richard''': Your blessing and your curse. 
:'''Maxine''': It's always been a fine line. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Richard''': (regarding Kyle) Teaching him the fine art of holding a grudge are we?
:'''Maxine''': No, the lost art of learning from the past, you know the whole doomed to repeat it thing?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andrea''': (to Bruce) I guess it is true that it takes a village or at least an English nanny to raise a child. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kyle''': Maxine, pack up your troubles. Donna's potatoes are here.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''The Cook of the Money Pot'' ===
:'''Maxine''': Amy, you seem to be alright after walking in on your father and me.
:'''Amy''': That never happened.
:'''Maxine''': Then perhaps denial will work as well for Lauren as it has for you.

=== ''The Extinction of the Dinosaurs'' ===

=== ''Can They Do That With Vegetables?'' ===
:'''Maxine''': She looks up to you, you know.
:'''Eric''': Big deal. She's 4 feet tall.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lauren''': Eric's going to teach me how to spam dunk!
:'''Eric''': Slam dunk. Basketball, not lunch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''': And you're way hotter than Charlayne, too.
:'''Amy''': Way hotter.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charlayne''': Eric. Now would this be the junkie or the street hustler?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[When Amy tells Maxine to quit smoking]''
:'''Maxime''': You want to open this door Amy?
:'''Amy''': Yeah.
:'''Maxime''': You exist on 9 cups of coffee a day. You eat powdered sugar for breakfast. You drink like a European. And you have sex with people you don't care about.

=== ''Woman in Cacti With a Curled Up Rat'' ===
:'''Kyle''': How do you intend to convince him?
:'''Maxine''': I'm going to flirt with him. Oh, come on. You can't tell me you've never tried it.
:'''Kyle''': How do you think I passed organic chemistry?

=== ''Not Stumbling, But Dancing'' ===

=== ''The Justice League of America'' ===

=== ''Men Aren't Monsters'' ===
:'''Maxine''': In the desperate hope that you two have some kind of secret language you can't speak in front of women, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to get a cup of coffee. 

=== ''The Bottle Show'' ===
:'''Donna''': How was the movie?
:'''Kyle''': It was good...Not bad...It sucked.
:'''Donna''': Your little friend enjoyed it?
:'''Kyle''': She fell asleep.
:'''Donna''': Probably malnutrition.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxine''': Men look in the mirror as much as we do, but they always think they look great.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lauren''': I hate all of my clothes
:'''Maxine''': She spent yesterday with Chanelle.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxine''': Great. We're just a couple of hookers short of Atlantic City. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxine''': I know this bulletin board is everyone's idea of a good time, but some of us actually use it for work. So you can consider this the end of the largest dead cockroach of the week contest. Would you kindly flush the contestants?
:'''Kimberly''': Do you have like no sense of humor?
:'''Maxine''': That's correct. I'm a human fun-sucking vacuum. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sean''': Busy? 
:'''Maxine''': Very.
:'''Sean''': Good, walk with me, talk with me, I've been thinking.
:'''Maxine''': Gee, I already don't like it.
:'''Sean''': I think it's about time we made a few headlines of our own. Flashy headlines.
:'''Maxine''': A regular diet of infanticide and sexual abuse is too low key for your taste?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxine''': I am in the middle of being alone so you can help me by leaving.
:'''Sean''': Are you mad at me?
:'''Maxine''': Not yet.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lauren''': Grandma, look. Your boyfriend's in the paper.
:'''Maxine''': Lauren, women my age don't have boyfriends. We have suitors and my ex-suitor is in China doing whatever the Mandarin term is for gallavanting.
:'''Amy''': She's right. Here he is.
:'''Maxine''' (reads): &quot;International business man Jared Duff spends a light moment with hostess and chairwoman Abigail von Facelift Nosejob.&quot; Recycle that. (thrusts newspaper back to Amy)
:'''Amy''': I'll shred it first.
:'''Maxine''': You'd better. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxine''': I want to thank you, Sean. Your heart was in the right place.
:'''Sean''': The same thing can be said about my ass.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''Tidal Wave'' ===
:'''Donna''': A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, Mahatmas Gandhi or Dr. Phil?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''' (to Maxine): You were out late last night. Where'd you go?
:'''Maxine''': An opium den. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxine''': Because I have a hate-hate relationship with my computer. Robert, I am not asking, I am telling. Surely you know the difference by now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''Boston Terriers From France'' ===
:'''Amy''': ''[to Maxine]'' How can I sleep when you're having the loudest nervous breakdown in history?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxine''': (to Amy) You want to know what your trouble is? It's always the same thing. It's why you got married when you knew it was a mistake, and it's why you slept with Lauren's karate teacher and God knows who else. You are afraid to be alone. You are. You get married 5 minutes after you graduated law school, and when you divorced Michael, you moved in here 5 minutes after that. And all of this hovering and scolding and policing and signing me up to walk with the New Age Hypochondriacs from Hell, is just another version of you being afraid to be alone. You're stuck to me like pine sap because you're afraid your Mommy's gonna die. You worry about my stress levels when the truth is half the stress in my life comes from you!
:'''Amy''': I think I should move out. 
:'''Maxine''': I do too. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''' (to Maxine about the Wise Women Walkers): Just try it!
:'''Maxine''': I'd rather snort prune juice up my nose.
:'''Amy''': Well, you can do both.
:'''Lauren''': Are you and Grandma fighting?
:'''Amy''': No.
:'''Maxine''': Yes!
:'''Lauren''': She didn't like The Wise Women Walkers, did she? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kyle''' (after a girl collapses): She's burning up! Call 911!
:'''Giselle''': Are you officially giving me permission to use the phone?
:'''Kyle''': Call 911 NOW! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxine''' (to Kyle): Are you aware that your library book is 4 months overdue?
:'''Kyle''': That girl stole it. The one who died. 
:'''Maxine''': I am sorry.
:'''Kyle''': How do you do it? How do you keep banging your head against the wall every single day without your skull caving in?
:'''Maxine''': Well I certainly have my share of headaches, but the wall has a few lumps as well.
:'''Kyle''': I work my ass off to get to these kids, to bring them in, let them know that it's going to be ok and then they're gone. They run away or they're dead. Well guess what? I'm done. I wil work at Teen Harbor but I am through with the chasing. If they want help they will come in, fill out the forms and they will ask. I'm through going after them, it's not worth it. No wonder I'm smoking so much.
:'''Maxine''': Well, I'm sure you know best. However at this moment you do not know best because if you did, you would shut up! And you would quit using feeling sorry for yourself as an excuse to smoke, and you would know that if you want absolute victories, then you should go back into medicine. We do what we can. We patch them up, send them out there and hope for the best. And we very seldom get it, but we keep going because what the hell else are we going to do?!?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxine''' (to Sean): When my daughter called you, did you tell her that nobody likes a snitch?
:'''Sean''': Look, I've never pulled rank on you. Mostly because you'd ignore me and I'd back down, but that's just what I'm doing: pulling rank and not backing down. Either you go home right now, or I will fire you. (Maxine laughs) I will. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition'' ===
:'''Barry''': Why are you cutting so many tethers in your life?
:'''Amy''': Because I feel tethered.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxine''': Evidently melodrama has not skipped a generation as I had hoped.
:'''Amy''': You were taking apart her room? Couldn't you have waited until the corpse had cooled?
:'''Maxine''': See? Genetic melodrama.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxine''': I need to move this mattress.
:'''Peter''': You said it was an emergency!
:'''Maxine''': Okay, I really need to move this mattress?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bruce''': ''[trying to get Amy moving to the courtroom]'' Momentum requires velocity. Basic physics.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': If I told you I had two tickets to Spain, what would you say?
:'''Bruce''': When do we leave?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''': I swear to God, if you do this to yourself, I'll have you committed.
:'''Maxine''': They don't do that anymore.
:'''Peter''': Mother, I'm in insurance. I have powers you can't even begin to comprehend. Try me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vincent''': It's a little weird. I move away, you just come in and occupy my space?
:'''Kyle''': I know.
:'''Vincent''': A man likes to feel like he's irreplaceable, and bang, he's replaced.
:'''Kyle''': I know.
:'''Vincent''': My old room, my old roommate, my seat at Thursday night dinners. My place in the family.
:'''Kyle''': I know.
:'''Vincent''': You haven't replaced me.
:'''Kyle''': I know!

=== ''Come Back Soon'' ===

== Season 4 ==
=== ''Lost in the System'' ===
:'''Amy''': Is this a bad idea?
:'''Bruce''': Very bad.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jared''' (to Maxine): Tell your family I was someone selling vacuum cleaners or God.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''Thursday's Child'' ===

=== ''Every Stranger's Face I See'' ===

=== ''The Frozen Zone'' ===
:'''Amy''': Your mom died because bad men stole airplanes and flew them into buildings. It's not your mom's fault, it's not your dad's fault, and it's certainly not your fault. If we blame the wrong people, then we help the bad guys, and they've done enough already.

=== ''Cause For Alarm'' ===

=== ''Roses and Truth'' ===
:'''Kyle''': You're pregnant.
:'''Gillian''': But... but I don't... get pregnant.
:'''Kyle''': Well, apparently, you do.

=== ''Damage Control'' ===
:'''Charles''': Can't handle the pressure, Gray?
:'''Peter''': I invented pressure, Duff.
:'''Charles''': That doesn't make any sense.

:'''Maxine''' (to Amy): You serve two masters, I don't.
:'''Amy''': You think I should pick one master?
:'''Maxine''': Well of course you're going to have to pick one. My suggestion is you choose the one that puts the sexual predator behind bars.

=== ''A Pretty Good Day'' ===
:'''Amy''': Any conviction of a misdemeanor and a sentence of less than a year and the INS cannot touch your son.
:'''Lawyer''': So, your honor is admitting that collateral consequences had an effect on your ruling.
:'''Amy''': Yes, my honor is admitting to that.

=== ''Boys to Men'' ===
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charles''': Am I being threatened by a superior court judge?
:'''Amy''': No, by a daughter who loves her mother, which is way worse. Ask anybody.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxine''': They say the first fight you have is the one you'll have for the rest of your lives.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jared''': That's why I'm marrying Maxine. . .because she's so easy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jared''': ''[holding up a bottle of wine to Maxine and Amy]'' Shall I decant this or is that just snooty?
:'''Maxine''': Well, a little bit of snoot never hurt anybody.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxine''': My father used to say everything will be fine in the end, if it's not fine, then it's not the end.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Maxine and Amy have just been arguing about Maxine's decision to move up her wedding date]''
:'''Maxine''': I don't think you're facing the real issue here, which is how are we going to survive Gillian's pregnancy?

=== ''People of the Lie'' ===

=== ''Lost and Found'' ===

=== ''Ye Olde Freedom Inn'' ===
:'''Gillian''': Chaos must be tamed, that's my theory.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donna''': ''[While discussing Zola's comment about already seeing someone in response to Bruce's offer of a date]'' Please, her? What kind of guy would throw himself on that buzzsaw?

=== ''The Best Interests of the Child'' ===
:'''Lauren''': No one asked me what I thought was best.
:'''Amy''': Well no, I guess we didn't.
:'''Lauren''': I like things the way they are, that's what I think is best.

=== ''Wild Card'' ===

=== ''Maxine, Interrupted'' ===
:'''Maxine''': For a job that doesn't pay anything, it certainly has cost me a lot.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxine''': ''[about Sally's current boyfriend]'' Isn't he gay?
:'''Sally''': Not any more!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sean''': So... you two know each other?
:'''Maxine''': That's very..observant of you, Sean.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''State's Attorney''': Does the &quot;no sarcasm&quot; rule apply only to me?
:'''Amy''': No, and the &quot;no preening and posturing rule&quot; applies to everyone.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxine''': Kimberly, keep your bony fingers out of my files or I'll kick your sneaky, conniving ass from here till next September and back again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxine''': You must have a good plastic surgeon, because that nose looks almost real.
:'''Sally''': I should give you the number. ''[both laugh]''

=== ''Sixteen Going on Seventeen'' ===
:'''Kyle''': I'm a scientist and you're an actuary so this is going to sound very weird for me to say, but sometimes there are more important things than numbers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Isn't suffering part of the pilgrimage experience?
:'''Stu''': Here's something I learned. 'Pilgrimage' is actually just a fancy name for 'crappy vacation'.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stu''': What? You're gonna to tell me you never went swimming with a judge?

=== ''Judging Eric'' ===
:'''Sean''': ''[About Eric's birthday]'' Come on, last year when we took you bowling for your birthday that was awesome. This sucks monkey butt.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stu''': I'm always amazed at how much you forensic guys can tell by a couple of scratches. You're like those Indian trackers in old westerns that could tell the color of a guy's hair by the way his horse walked through water.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Judge Nancy Paul''': Do you buy suits for all of your charges or just the ones accused of murder?
:'''Maxine''': Are those my only options?
:'''Judge Nancy Paul''': Pretty much. 

=== ''Looking For Quarters'' ===
:'''Lauren''': Mom, you're being ridiculous. This is Peewee hockey. And besides, Grandma played field hockey in school. What's the difference?
:'''Amy''': The difference is that you fall on the field and get a grass stain, you fall on the ice and your head splits open...like a melon!
:'''Maxine''': They do wear helmets.
:'''Amy''': Hey Mom, this is between me and Lauren.

=== ''Just Say Oops'' ===
:'''Maxine''': AMY!
:'''Amy''': WHAT?
:'''Maxine''': Come out here and let me see it. My wedding, I get to see the bridesmaid's dresses.
:''[Amy steps into room, with a scowl on her face]''
:'''Maxine''': ''[laughing]'' Did you leave your curds and whey in the dressing room?
:'''Amy''': I don't care what Gillian says, I'm not wearing this dress.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Heather''': It's not my fault you decided to throw a juvenile ''Animal Farm'' party.
:'''Kyle''': ''Animal House''. You're trying to say ''Animal House'', ''Animal Farm'' is a book about socialist barn animals, that would be a very different kind of party.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jack''': I was hoping you could tell me what the hell is going on?
:'''Maxine''': Well the stock market is shot, but I hear the new ''Harry Potter'' book will have fourteen thousand pages. 

=== ''Requiem'' ===
:'''Maxine''': I've ordered grilled cheese sandwhiches and milkshakes for everyone. The lactose-intolerant can just skip it.

:'''Lauren''' (reading her haiku): Jared Duff was tall. He smelled like rain in the yard. He laughed at my jokes.

=== ''Picture of Perfect'' ===

=== ''CSO: Hartford'' ===
:'''Joanne''': Now that we're talking about it, what's your position on it?
:'''Amy''': What's my position on the world? I - I'm for it. Go world!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donna''': Psst! Wanna have lunch?
:'''Amy''': I can't. I have a lunch date.
:'''Donna''': It's not in your calendar. Who're you having lunch with?
:'''Amy''': Stu's mother. 
:'''Donna''': Huh?
:'''Amy''': Stu's mother. I'm having lunch with Stu's mother! Are you getting this in the back row? I'm having lunch with Stu's mother! Next case!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nurse''': Chainsaw accident in room 4. Wife's in the waiting room. She told me to give you these.
:'''Kyle''': Are those fingers?
:'''Nurse''': She thinks she got them all.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lily''': You miss your little buddy, don't you? Sorry, that came out snottier than I intended it.

=== ''Marry, Marry Quite Contrary'' ===

=== ''Shock and Awe'' ===

== Season 5 ==
=== ''Motion Sickness'' ===

=== ''Going Down'' ===

=== ''Ex Parte of Five'' ===
:'''Maxine''': ''[Crying]'' Sean, if I have a &quot;feeling,&quot; it won't be a little one.
:'''Sean''': That's okay, too.

=== ''Tricks of the Trade'' ===

=== ''The Wrong Man'' ===

=== ''Into the Fire'' ===

=== ''Kilt Trip'' ===
:'''Stu''': There's a rich history behind this kilt.
:'''Bruce''': Easy there, tiger, don't go showing what's behind the kilt there.

=== ''The Long Goodbye'' ===
:'''Maxine''': Here's how the world works, Amy. You can leave a man at the altar, or you can have him like you. You can't have both.

=== ''Rumspringa'' ===
:'''Amy''': My life is kind of weird right now.
:'''Maxine''': Yes Amy I've noticed.
:'''Amy''': I'm not just talking about the non-wedding. 

=== ''Sex and the Single Mother'' ===
:'''Sean''': Maxine, there's a reason why they call it 'moonlighting' instead of 'middle-of-the-day lighting.'

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alan Foster''': So, how long have you been with DCF?
:'''Maxine''':157 years... give or take. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Heather''': I want to apologize for being such a passive aggressive bitch the other day.
:'''Kyle''': Actually, you were pretty active aggressive.

=== ''Christenings'' ===
:'''Peter''': You brought a date to Walt's christening?
:'''Gillian''': No, ah...
:'''Peter''': What's the matter with you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maggie''': ''[To Nicole]'' You helped me so much.
:'''Amy''': How has Nicole helped you?
:'''Maggie''': She understands. I've got control now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxine''': I always thought the Methodists were more...uh...understated.
:'''Minister''': We have our moments.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxine''': He's my therapist Sean, you wanted me to go to therapy, I'm going. Are you happy now? Would you like to shout it to the world? ''[shouting]'' MAXINE GRAY... IS IN... '''THERAPY'''!
:'''Sean''': And not a moment too soon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lauren''': How come every time our family goes to church something embarrassing happens?

=== ''Dancing in the Dark'' ===

=== ''Sins of the Father'' ===
:'''Flower Guy''': Are you Maxine Gray? These are for Maxine Gray. 
:'''Maxine''': I'm Maxine Gray, but there must be some mistake. You see my fiancée used to send me flowers all the time, but he died and I haven't been nice to anyone since then. 
:'''Flower Guy''': Well, there must be a card somewhere.
:'''Maxine''':''[reads card]'' I can't accept these, take them back.
:'''Flower Guy''': What's your probelem lady? This is the nicest arrangement in the truck.
:'''Maxine''': These flowers come from a man that I barely know. We spent one night together.
:'''Flower Guy''': You must have made some impression ''[sees look on Maxine's face]'' Um. I'll say you weren't home. 

=== ''Roadhouse Blues'' ===
:'''Lauren''': Victor and I don’t like the fact that you and his dad are dating. 
:'''Amy''': We aren't dating. Going to dinner is not a date. It’s just not.
:'''Maxine''': Amy, I'll be back later.
:'''Amy''': Where are you going mom? 
:'''Maxine''': Out to dinner with a friend. 
:'''Amy''': Are you going on a date?
:'''Maxine''': No not a date, just dinner with a male companion
:'''Amy''': Dinner with a male companion is a date.
:'''Maxine''': It's not if I say it's not. 
:'''Amy''': ''[to Lauren]'' It's not the same thing. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lauren''': ''[to David]'' Why did you pick my mom? She dumps people. You know; you were at the wedding. 

=== ''Werewolves of Hartford'' ===
:'''Ignacio''': You know the pimp?
:'''Maxine''': Yes, he's one of my foster pimps...uh, parents.

=== ''Baggage Claim'' ===

=== ''The Song That Never Ends'' ===
:''[After Maxine shouts]''
:'''Amy''':  Mom, are you okay?
:'''Maxine''': ''[trying not to laugh]'' Of course, but I am 65 years old, and my boyfriend's mother hates me.

=== ''Disposable'' ===
:'''Prosecutor Harcourt''': The only thing that could heal the wound was to steal underwear.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxine''': ''[To Lauren, as the cupcakes burn and the smoke alarm sounds]'' Cupcakes cause cancer! 

=== ''The Quick and the Dead'' ===
:'''Gillian''': ''[After their night of speed dating]'' Peter's looking pretty good right now.
:'''Donna''': Oscar's looking pretty good right now.
:''[Both turn and look at Amy]''
:'''Amy''': David McClaren's still an ass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kyle''': When I die of boredom, you're going to be short a doctor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lauren''': God, Mom! You ditched him already? You must have set a new record!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kyle''': What?
:'''Todd''': I didn't say anything.
:'''Kyle''': And yet, I heard you. 

=== ''Slade's Chophouse'' ===
:'''Amy''': ''[After seeing Father Ted, now known as Teresa, in a skirt and makeup]'' Thought you'd be shorter...and a guy. 

=== ''Predictive Neglect'' ===
:'''Maxine''': ''[about Sean's new tie]'' I think it would very, very good on [[w:Jimmy Smits|Jimmy Smits]].
:'''Sean''': A bowl of soup would look good on Jimmy Smits.

=== ''My Little Runaway'' ===
:'''Amy''': ''[To Lauren, about a trip to the skate park]'' If you break your arm, I swear to God I'm going to break the other one...''[looks at Victor]''...then I'm going to come looking for you.
:'''Victor''': Fair enough. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': ''[shouting]'' Lauren? Lauren Cassidy, where are you? If you are some place with your pajamas on talking to Victor, I will not be happy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kyle''': ''[Discussing Victor's condition with David and Amy]'' My best educated guess? I'd say 70/30.
:'''Amy''': That he'll make it.
:'''Kyle''': No.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxine''': ''[about attending Ignacio's mother's birthday party]'' Let's be honest, the last time she saw me, she called me a prostitute.
:'''Ignacio''': Oh, you understood that?
:'''Maxine''': Si, senor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ignacio''': He's telling an 89-year-old woman to go with God?

=== ''Sex, Lies and Expedia.com''' ===
:'''Kyle''': ''[As Maxine cries and Peter, Amy, and Lauren hug her, ignoring Kyle]'' Okay, next time I have a life-altering epiphany, I'm sharing it with another family.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gillian''': Are you saying it's over?
:'''Peter''': If I am, Gillian, you have no one to blame but yourself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vincent''': Before I ask what's going on out front, I have a more important question. Are Peter and I too old for bunk beds? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxine''': ''[To Ignacio, after finding out he is still married]'' I've come to a decision. I will be going to China, and you can go to Hell!

== Season 6 ==
=== ''Accountability'' ===
:'''Donna''': ''[Opens envelope, reads letter, and cries]'' I passed.
:''[Amy screams, jumps up from her chair, grabs Donna and hugs her]''
:'''Donna''': I'm a lawyer.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': ''[To Hector, who just found out his parents are divorcing]'' Hector, I want you to know something. I want you to hear something. I'm not going to put you away, I'm not going to throw you away. You're not a ghost. I see you...I see you...I see you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Donna is practicing a closing statement in Amy's old, under-construction courtroom, when Amy walks in]''
:'''Amy''': You'd rather come in here and pretend to be a lawyer than actually be one?
:'''Donna''': I...I was just fooling around.

=== ''Lullaby'' ===
:'''Lauren''': ''[Toasting Kyle at his final dinner with the family]'' To Cousin Kyle, who taught me to burn CDs and download stuff off the Internet!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Graciela Reyes''': ''[to Amy]'' How 'bout I plead hungry and go to lunch?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': What do you see when you see yourself getting old?
:'''David''': How old?
:'''Amy''': My mom old...
:'''David''': Well there's basketball, mysteries, classics...and you, I see you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Thursday night. Pick a movie. Popcorn and parking on me.
:'''Maxine''': I don't want to go to the movies Thursday.
:'''Amy''': ''Rent'' is in town.
:'''Maxine''': I've seen ''Rent''. I pay rent. I'm sick of rent.
:'''Amy''': Bookstore?
:'''Maxine''': Amy?
:'''Amy''': All right! I have a date on Thursday. David's coming over and I'm cooking.
:'''Maxine''': You don't cook.
:'''Amy''': Just because I don't, doesn't mean I can't.
:'''Maxine''': Means you shouldn't.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vincent''': I'll take 'Amy's Greatest Fear' for 100. What is....You're nothing without the drama?
:'''Amy''': You can't possibly know that!
:'''Vincent''': I'm a closet excitement junkie myself.
:'''Amy''': You think it runs in the family?
:'''Vincent''': Like liberalism and a fear of clowns. 

=== ''Legacy'' ===

=== ''Consent'' ===
:'''Amy''': ''[to Lauren]'' I'm a girl too!

=== ''Order and Chaos'' ===
:'''Peter''': ''[about Ned]'' We're raising a genius!
:'''Jillian''': An adopted genius, nature is a big part of it.
:'''Peter''': So is nurture.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bruce''': Excuse me, I didn't mean to interrupt, but Ted, the Marshall, just said that your mother was arrested.
:'''Amy''': What!?
:'''Bruce''': Yeah! He thought we knew. I guess it happened this morning.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': ''[to Vincent]'' Jimi Hendrix called and he wants his shirt back.
:''[Vincent leaves the room]''
:'''Vincent''': ''[Coming back into the room]'' Well at least my shirt...
:'''Amy''': It's not a comeback if you have to come back and say it! 

=== ''Catching It Early'' ===
:'''Maxine''': If I told you I was [[w:Cheryl Tiegs|Cheryl Tiegs]], would you put me through?...Cheryl Tiegs was a sex icon back in...how old are you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Jacobs''': Let's see what we have here ''[begins breast exam]''
:'''Amy''': ''[giggles nervously]'' Sorry.
:'''Dr Jacobs''': Do you know that you have a rather large mass in your breast?
:'''Amy''': Yup.

=== ''Early Winter'' ===
:'''Maxine''': ''[while hallucinating about her mother, sings]''&lt;br&gt;Did you ever go a fishing on a sun-shiny day?&lt;br&gt;Sit on the bank, till the bank gives way.&lt;br&gt;With your hands in your pockets,&lt;br&gt;And your pockets in your pants.&lt;br&gt;Sit on the bank and do a hoochie-coochie dance.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxine''': ''[When Vincent comes in to see how she's doing]'' Vincent, I already have a pain in my chest, I don't need a larger one in my ass, too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxine''': ''[When Amy brings her an envelope with her mother's jewelry]'' This is what a hospital does. It takes a person from you and gives you an envelope in return.

=== ''Conditional Surrender'' ===

=== '''Silent Era''' ===

=== ''The Long Run'' ===

=== ''10,000 Steps'' ===
:'''Peter''': Gillian...I want to look at you, I want to hold your hand, I want to talk, and then I want to christen the kitchen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gillian''': Laundry room.
:'''Peter''': What?
:'''Gillian''': Two words...spin cycle. 

=== ''You Don't Know Me'' ===
:'''Amy''': You know when I turn my chair, you know when I wear pants. It's starting to make the hair on the back of my neck stand up. It's creepy.
:'''Bruce''': What's creepy is that you have hair on the back of your neck.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lauren''': By the time ''it's'' in school I'll be away in college!

=== ''Dream a Little Dream'' ===

=== ''Happy Borthday'' ===
:'''Amy''': ''[to Jerry]'' You are a moron of '''epic''' proportions!

:'''Lorna Thompson''' (to Shelly Cecil): SHUT! UP! Marsha is dead. Do you understand that?
:'''Shelly Cecil''': Oh, so that's why she's not answering my emails.
:'''Oliver Cecil''': Shelly!
:'''Shelly Cecil''': Of course I understand! I killed my best friend! I saw her lying there. My life is over! I can't go back to school, I can't even walk down the street. I'm a murderer! So do whatever you want with me, okay? Put me in jail for the rest of my life. Make her happy because it's all over! I'm already dead!
:'''Amy''': Miss Cecil. Shelly. Look at me. Okay, okay, then just listen to me. We're going to get through this, all of us.
:'''Oliver Cecil''': [Whispered] We'll get through this, okay?
:'''Amy''': It's not over.

=== ''Hard To Get'' ===
:'''Amy''': ''[to herself in the mirror, wearing Graciela's jacket and cap]'' You betta step off before I hafta open up a can o' whoop ass.

=== ''The Paper War'' ===
:'''Sean''': If this social worker thing doesn't work out, maybe I can work as a carpenter like, uh, what's-his-name.
:'''Maxine''': Jesus?
:'''Sean''': I was thinking Harrison Ford, but...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rob''': ''[discussing Amy's solution to the &quot;paper war&quot;]'' How rad, sticking it to the man!
:'''Bruce''': She IS the man.
:'''Rob''': Well, then who are we sticking it to?
:'''Bruce''': My point exactly.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': ''[to the State Attorney]'' You can have your transfer, but you can shove your apology! 

=== ''The New Normal'' ===

=== ''Sorry I Missed You'' ===
:'''Diesel''': I call this piece &quot;Bars.&quot;
:'''Another Prisoner''': ''[laughs]'' Where'd you come up with that one, Dawg?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vincent''': I was actually going to skip that excercise and slap a bunch of name tags on you, but I thought slapping you might be bad for me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': ''[telling Lauren what she can't do]'' ...no pink hair or any other color that is not a spawn of this gene pool!... and the only piece of metal that's getting pierced through your body is a tracking device I may get surgically inserted into your ''' ''neck!'' '''

=== ''Revolutions Per Minute'' ===

=== ''Too Little, Too Late'' ===

=== ''Getting Out'' ===
:'''Maxine''': I've bought cheesecake!
:'''Lauren''': Did you buy non-dairy?
:'''Maxine''': Oh, honey, Grandma doesn't do non-dairy.

=== ''My Name is Amy Gray...'' ===

:'''Gillian''': You are the best mother of the world and Amy knows this. She has learned everything from you. And I'm proud to be in your family.
:'''Maxine''': Everyone else's mother's always look good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': You came!
:'''Bruce''': You called.

== Unknown episode ==
:'''Interior Decorator''': Usually I'm so perceptive of people. Come on… what's changed?
:'''Maxine''': Two weeks ago my fiancée died of a heart attack 48 hours before we were to be wed. Also, I've cut my hair.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Board Member''': We're a little concerned that your director is a drug addict.
:'''Maxine''': No, my director is a former drug addict. I myself am a former high school student, and everyone here used to poop in their pants. What's your point?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxine''': &quot;Never wear fire for a hat&quot;… I haven't any idea what it means. I read it in a bathroom stall once and it stuck with me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxine''': By the way, I'm getting married a week from Saturday. I expect you to be there.
:'''Sean Potter''': A week from Saturday? Maxine, why are you getting married a week from Saturday?
:'''Maxine''': So I can have sex, Sean. Why else would anyone get married?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': The only way we do better is by figuring out what we did wrong.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Amy has been in bed with the flu for several days.]''
:'''Maxine''': Amy? I brought you some chicken soup. How do you feel?
:'''Amy''': Horrible. I've been seeing things. It's like being on acid.
:''[Amy notices the look on Maxine's face.]''
:'''Amy''': Not that I ever did acid. Uh, you know, I heard about it. Some of my friends told me. Listen, I think I need to go back to bed.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Amy Brenneman|Amy Brenneman]] — Amy Gray
* [[w:Dan Futterman|Dan Futterman]] — Vincent Gray
* [[w:Tyne Daly|Tyne Daly]] — Maxine Gray
* [[w:Kevin Rahm|Kevin Rahm]] — Kyle McCarty
* [[w:Richard T. Jones|Richard T. Jones]] — Bruce Van Exel
* [[w:Marcus Giamatti|Marcus Giamatti]] — Peter Gray
* [[w:Jessica Tuck|Jessica Tuck]] — Gillian Gray
* [[w:Karle Warren|Karle Warren]] — Lauren Cassidy
* [[w:Jillian Armenante|Jillian Armenante]] — Donna Kozlowski
* [[w:Timothy Omundson|Timothy Omundson]] — Sean Potter

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title | id=0209069 | title=Judging Amy}}

[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:CBS shows]]
[[Category:1990s American drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American drama TV shows]]
[[Category:Legal TV dramas]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Crossing Jordan</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>22735</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147854</id>
      <parentid>2878326</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T22:16:35Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* External links */ r/m Template:Tv.com show</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="23598" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:Crossing Jordan|Crossing Jordan]]''''' (2001–2007) is a U.S. television crime-drama series that airs on [[w:NBC|NBC]]. It stars [[w:Jill Hennessy|Jill Hennessy]] as a crime-solving [[w:medical examiner|medical examiner]].  The show uses an [[w:Ensemble cast|ensemble-cast]] approach featuring a group of Jordan's co-workers, members of the [[w:Boston, Massachusetts|Boston]] Medical Examiner's Office, and police detectives assigned to the various cases. It was created by Tim Kring.

== Season 1 ==

=== ''Pilot'' [1.1] ===

:'''Jordan:''': Truth is, I don't care if I die, that's my whole problem, that's what the shrinks told me when I was fifteen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garret''': ''[giving a speech to college students]'' You want my career advice? Because here it is: Don't follow your father's footsteps, don't follow in anybody's footsteps. Don't become a doctor just because your mother wants you to be a doctor or because your father never once said he loved you in your whole lousy life. I don't care. Take that and go do something noble. Go be an artist…be a poet. Do you understand the courage it takes to become a poet? Find something beautiful in life even if it's just for a moment. Something that tells you you're alive. And it's gonna be okay. Anyone have any questions about that?...Don't forget what I said.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Max:''': Jordan, you can't go through life poking everyone but God in the eye!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garret:''': Five jobs in four years, that's impressive.
:'''Jordan:''': You know me, short attention span.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jordan:''': I had this guy's brain in my hand, so I couldn't very well punch him, right?

=== ''The Dawn of a New Day'' [1.2] ===

:'''Max:''': Thirty-eight years on the force I learned one thing, it's easy to kill someone, it's hard to live with it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jordan:''': I wanna find out what my corpse's license plate was doing on your corpse's ass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garret:''': That means you're a pain in the ass. And I say that with love. The good news is it's not too late to change. You don't have to be an obnoxious driven zealot your whole life.
:'''Jordan:''' Again said with love right?

=== ''The Ties That Bind'' [1.3] ===

:'''Earl:''': They were sinning, Father, in GOD's house, but I didn't kill her, I saved her. I held her heart in my hand, and she was redeemed. She's with GOD now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Trey:''': Wanna go grab some coffee? It's not like shes going anywhere.
:'''Jordan:''': Is that supposed to be funny?
:'''Trey:''': Nah, I'm just saying.
:'''Jordan:''': Look, this might be some kind of joke to you, but someone butchered her. She could be somebody's daughter, somebody's mother.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jordan:''': Still pissed about the DNA kits.
:'''Garret:''': No, no you got lucky. You're buried deep in the rubble of the earthquake of my day.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jordan:''': It's a little early for sphincter level 10, Garrett, even for you.

=== ''Born to Run'' [1.4] ===

:'''Abby:''': My history teacher caught me and this guy messing around in the supply closet... They're making a really big deal out of it...
:'''Garrett:''': What do you mean 'messing around'?

=== ''You Can't Go Home Again'' [1.5] ===

:'''Garret:''': Let me ask you a question. What did you want for your birthday when you were 17?
:'''Lily:''': Boobs.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jordan:''': I want the truth. That's all.
:'''Detective Winslow:''': Fine be prepared to live with it.

=== ''Believers'' [1.6] ===

:'''Jordan:''': She had all these drugs in her system?
:'''Nigel:''': Xanax and Prozac and Valium…oh my.

=== ''Sight Unseen'' [1.7] ===

:'''Jordan:''': Are you beepable? I just have to go somewhere first.
:'''Howard:''': I'll keep it on vibrate.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Max:''': Jordan, you remember what we said, if there's any danger, we call the police.
:'''Jordan:''': It's a van full of laundry, how dangerous can it be?!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Howard:''': ''[to Garret]'' Don't be so hard on yourself, you're human...live a little.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Howard:''': Lack of social skills, an inability to express emotion. Dr. Cavanaugh, professionally I'm concerned.
:'''Jordan:''': Really?
:'''Howard:''': Concerned and turned on. ''[Jordan throws a ball of paper at him!]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Howard:''': Did you know there were 18,000 cases of clinical depression in Boston last year? How depressing is that?
:'''Jordan:''': Too bad I wasn't here, could have made it 18,001.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jordan:''': Garret, have you gotten any recently?
:'''Garret:''': Pardon me?
:'''Jordan:''': You heard me. How long has it been?
:'''Garret:''': We are not having this conversation.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garret:''': Whether on not I have been getting any lately is none of your business and there are more important things to do around her than discuss my sex life.
:'''Jordan:''': Yeah, but they're not as much fun!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Trey:''': Did you hear that?
:'''Garret:''': The guy's got the touch.
:'''Bug:''': It's gotta be the accent.
:'''Trey:''': That guy can shovel it with the best of them.

=== ''Digger, Part I'' [1.8] ===

:'''Jordan''': ''[to Nigel]'' I'd say the chances of that can be expressed mathematically as.... diddly over squat.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jordan:''': Geek free version please.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Adam:''': You're gonna get us killed.
:'''Jordan:''': But we're having fun, and that's the important thing, right?

=== ''Digger, Part II'' [1.9] ===

:'''Nigel:''': Oh blushing bride of mine.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bug:''': Someone finally dropped a house on her.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agent Hailey:''': I will tell you one thing about you.
:'''Jordan:''': Oh, bring it on, G-Man.
:'''Agent Hailey:''': You're cranky when you haven't slept.

=== ''Blue Christmas'' [1.10] ===

:'''Max:''': Something you'll learn eventually--what's right isn't necessarily the truth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jordan:''': You rock my world, Nige.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Macy:''': I wanna know exactly how this guy died.

=== ''Wrong Place, Wrong Time'' [1.11] ===

:'''Lily:''': I always fall for drummers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Macy:''': Why would you want to have sex 6 times in one day? I mean, come on, we're people, not bunnies.
:'''Lily:''': Dr. Macy said, &quot;bunnies&quot;.

=== ''Blood Relatives'' [1.12] ===

:'''Max:''': Rough one, huh?
:'''Jordan:''': Yeah.
:'''Max:''': I know you, Jordan. When you become monosyllabic, you've got a serious problem.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nigel:''': We requisitioned a $5,000 stab-me Sammy doll just for these occasions. But for financial reasons we'll be using this lovely ripened honeydew!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lily:''': …I really need to know what you want.
:'''Garret:''': You want to know what I want. ''[he kisses her]''
:'''Lily:''': Ok, that works for me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Max:''': All I wanted to do is hold your hand and be there for you.
:'''Jordan:''': That sounds pretty good right now.
:'''Max:''': That I can do.

=== ''Miracles &amp; Wonders'' [1.13] ===

:'''Max:''': What do you think of this place?
:'''Jordan:''': It's big... old... empty...
:'''Max:''': Well, I bought it!
:'''Jordan:''': What?! How did you pay for it?
:'''Max:''': I scrapped some money together...
:'''Jordan:''': How?
:'''Max:''': Well... I got a nice severance package when I left the force... and I had some money put away for you...
:'''Jordan:''': I have an inheritance?
:'''Max:''': You don't now!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jordan:''': Look, I happen to believe in science. Science is my friend. Science doesn't let me down.

=== ''Four Fathers'' [1.14] ===

:'''Jordan:''': When someone goes messing with my Dad, suddenly my ethics go right out the window.
:'''Blackie:''': You're bluffing.
:'''Jordan:''': Try me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lily:''': I want to work here because I'm good at my job. Not because you like my…baked goods.

=== ''Acts of Mercy'' [1.15] ===

:'''Network Guy:''': You don't think Noah Wyle wore a regular coat, do you?
:'''Nigel:''': Noah who?

=== ''Lost and Found'' [1.16] ===

:'''Det. Winslow:''': You looked good holding that baby. Maybe you should think about popping one out.
:'''Jordan:''': Yeah, or maybe I should pop my foot up your ass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garret:''': We're communicating.
:'''Jordan:''': Vertically or horizontally?

=== ''Crime and Punishment'' [1.17] ===

:'''Jordan''': Woody.
:'''Woody''': Doc. Stuck together again. Must be karma, huh?
:'''Jordan''': Either that or you keep telling dispatch to request me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nigel''': ''[singsong]'' Jordan's got a boyfriend.
:'''Jordan''': Oh, you wanna yank on my pigtails too, Nige? 'Cause I got cheerleading practice.
:'''Nigel''': Come on, that sweet country innocence. Those sparkling blue eyes.
:'''Jordan''': I would chew him up, and spit him out.
:'''Nigel''': Now that sounds like fun!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jordan wakes Woody at his office desk.]''
:'''Jordan''': Woody. Time for school.
:'''Woody''': Five more minutes, mama.
:'''Jordan''': Mama? I haven't heard that one in a while.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Woody''': S-triple X-tc dot com. Gee, I was expecting something--
:'''Jordan''': Dirtier? Welcome to the new millennium, Wood. White collar meets spiked collar.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Woody''': Traditionally, when you invite someone over for dinner, you're supposed to do the cooking.
:'''Jordan''': Fine. Then you come over here and write the bait to these two sickos.
:'''Woody''': Putting yourself out there to lure these guys from behind their computers. I don't know how you talked me into this.
:'''Jordan''': Because you failed to come up with a better idea.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jordan''': I think I'm starting to rub off on you, farmboy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jordan''': Thanks for dinner. Uh, and for letting me talk you into another hare-brained scheme.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Woody''': I'm not going to put you in a situation where you are in danger.
:'''Jordan''': I can take care of myself, cowboy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Woody''': Was she always this way?
:'''Max''': Always.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Woody''': Hot damn! Woah! I-I-I-I, mean, you have a very lovely daughter, Mr. Cavanaugh. Very smart.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jordan''': There is no why. People are sick, end of story. Sweep it under the rug. Move on.
:'''Woody''': Wouldn't it be great if you actually believed that?

=== ''With Honor'' [1.18] ===

:'''Garret:''': I'm probably making the biggest mistake of my life!
:'''Lily:''': Well, there's no argument there.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bug:''': What a waste, huh?
:'''Lily:''': Um, yeah, he was so young.
:'''Bug:''': I'm talking about the suit. Three G's easy…

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jordan:''': Name's Cavanaugh.
:'''Pt. Neal:''': Yeah, you my new therapist?
:'''Jordan:''': Nope, you better hope not…

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garret:''': …The little guy in the green threads, what was his name?
:'''Carver:''': Chill.
:'''Garret:''': Perverted little leprechaun, rubbed me the wrong way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garret:''': Spread 'em Nigel!
:'''Nigel:''': I'd rather not.
:'''Garret''':: Is that bruising there where the sun don't shine?
:'''Nigel:''': Uh-uh!
:'''Garret:''': I don't know how I missed it. That's from the barrel of a 45. Talk about hiding the evidence.
:'''Nigel:''': Ouch!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jordan:''': …Would you ever do it? Just walk away from everything, start fresh?
:'''Diaz:''': No, ma'am, taking off isn't my style. How 'bout yourself?
:'''Jordan:''': Oh, I'm famous for it. Jobs, friends, the occasional man. It's probably why I was interested in this case.
:'''Diaz:''': And all this time I thought it was cause of me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jordan:''': Truce?
:'''Garret:''': It's against my better judgment!
:'''Jordan:''': Don't worry, it takes time for the venom to recharge!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garret:''': …When did everything get so complicated?
:'''Jordan:''': Gosh, I don't know, maybe when you started seeing two women?

=== ''For Harry, with Love and Squalor'' [1.19] ===

:'''Jordan:''': How come we never had the sex talk?
:'''Max:''': ''[puts down the box of bottles]'' The what?
:'''Jordan:''': The sex talk. The birds and the bees.
:'''Max:''': Jeez, Jordan. It's a little late for that, don't you think?

=== ''The Gift of Life'' [1.20] ===

:'''Lily:''': They took his lungs, his liver, and a kidney.
:'''Bug:''': And all he got was a lousy t-shirt.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bug:''': Bring on the marmalade. He's already toast.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Macy:''': ''[holding up a stethoscope]'' You still talk to God through this thing?
:'''Jordan:''': Nah, we e-mail now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bug:''': You might want to tread lightly, Lily.
:'''Lily:''': I tried that. Now I'm strapping on the stillettos.

=== ''Someone to Count On'' [1.21] ===

:'''Lily:''': Detective Wood, right?
:'''Woody:''': Yeah, Woody.
:'''Lily:''': Woody, huh?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jordan:''': Bug, you rock.
:'''Bug:''': Yeah, I know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Woody:''': The District Attorney is having my ass for dinner and as tasty as that may seem it doesn't leave me much to sit on.

=== ''Secrets &amp; Lies, Part I'' [1.22] ===

:'''Woody:''': I don't get it! What's a nice young sweet girl like Lily doing hanging around with a bunch of dead bodies all day long?
:'''Jordan:''': As opposed to a bitter old messed up broad like me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maggie:''': I'm late.
:'''Garrett:''': Late.
:'''Maggie:''': Yeah.
:'''Garrett:''': How late?
:'''Maggie:''': Two weeks..and counting.
:'''Garrett:''': Is there any chance that it's just not coming back?
:'''Maggie:''': Nooo. But thanks for that.

=== ''Secrets &amp; Lies, Part II'' [1.23] ===

:'''Woody:''': I know that look.
:'''Jordan:''': What's that?
:'''Woody:''': The let me see if I can slam my head against this wall without feeling it look. Haven't you been in enough trouble lately?
:'''Jordan:''': Actually I'm just getting started.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garret:''': I asked you not to go back to Summit View.
:'''Jordan:''': Actually it sounded more like an order.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Nigel has his coat on turning everything off, ready to leave, Jordan enters]''
:'''Jordan:''': Take off your coat. You're staying.
:'''Nigel:''': Anyone ever tell you you're a kill joy?

== Season 2 ==

=== There's No Place Like Home [2.1] ===

:'''Jordan:''': You need me to remind you that anything is possible. You need a constant thorn in your ass. And like it or not, I'm that thorn.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bug:''': ''[referring to the mealworms]'' Often used in museums to clean bones to a highly polished finish.
:'''Woody:''': Well, that's all fine and... disgusting, but how does it help us?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jordan:''': I've got problems, Garret.
:'''Garret:''': There's an understatement.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bug:''': I don't trust her.
:'''Garret:''': Why's that?
:'''Bug:''': She insists on calling me Mahesh. Only my parents call me Mahesh. It's creepy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Woody:''': All right, stay here. I'll handle this.
:'''Jordan:''': What?!
:'''Woody:''': You think this guy's gonna want to talk to you after you chased him down and stuck a gun in his face?
:'''Jordan:''': Good point.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garret:''': If I give you your job back, don't you ever run away again.
:'''Jordan:''': I will try not to.

=== Bombs Away [2.2] ===
:'''Woody:''': Look Jordan, I have been acting like kind of a jerk lately.
:'''Jordan:''': You know what? Forget it. After all I put you through I probably had it coming.
:'''Woody:''': No, I--I still feel like I owe you an apology.
:'''Jordan:''': Oh, I don't want an apology.
:'''Woody:''': What do you want?
:'''Jordan:''': Breakfast!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garret:''': I could wring your neck for taking a chance like that. Thanks for saving my ass.
:'''Jordan:''': Couldn't let a sweet piece like this go to waste, could I!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Woody:''': I should have never left Wisconsin.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jordan:''': Do me a favor, Woody. Let me know when you stop being mad at me 'cause it's really starting to wear thin.
:'''Woody:''': I'm not mad at you. I'm not mad. It just seems you lost the ability to see anyone else's point of view.
:'''Jordan:''': I hate to break it to you, but I never had that ability.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jordan:''': (to dead body) Well, looks like you're the only one around here I can talk to.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garret:''': You're in the deep end now, and you're gonna have to learn how to swim. (edit)

=== Strangled [2.13] ===

:'''Nigel''': Why am I always the killer pervert?
:'''Woody''': Is he?
:'''Jordan''': Well, he did play the Milwaukee Bondage Killer.
:'''Macy''': And before that he was the Ice Cream Rapist of '77.
:'''Jordan, Macy''': Killer perv.

== Season 3 ==

=== Revealed [3.10] ===

:'''Nigel''': Woody, Woody, Woody… I promise that I will keep an open mind, okay? And anyway, &quot;sensitivity&quot; is my middle name.
:''[He opens the door.]''
:'''Nigel''': SWEET MARY IN THE MANGER!

== Season 4 ==

=== What Happens in Vegas Dies in Boston [4.07] ===

:'''Danny''': I made a statement. I told you I hit him, I didn't mean to hurt him, I was just trying to stop him. I was defending her.
:'''Woody''': See, normally I go with you don't know your own strength but I checked you out. Ex-special ops. Trained killer. Spooky.
:'''Danny''': I threw one punch.
:'''Woody''': Case in point.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garret''': What's going on, Rene? You've been dodging me for months and all of a sudden you have to see me right now?
:''[She turns around, showing her very pregnant belly.]''
:'''Rene''': I guess I should explain.
:'''Garret''': I'm pretty sure I understand the mechanics of it.
:'''Rene''': Yeah, I know you do.
:'''Garret''': So when were you gonna tell me?
:'''Rene''': It's not yours. My ex...
:'''Garret''': No, it's none of my business apparently.

----
'''Garret''': What? One thing led to a mother?

== Season 5 ==

=== ''Mysterious Ways'' [5.19] ===

:'''Nigel''': Mumbo jumbo. I believe X, you believe Y, neither one of us has a ''shred'' of evidence to back it up, but we're willing to kill each other over it.
:'''Woody''': (To Jordan) What's he babbling on about now?

=== ''Don't Leave Me This Way'' [5.21] ===

:''[Jordan spots a suspicious bartender in a surveillance video from Lily's post-wedding rehearsal party.]''
:'''Jordan''': Look, there's tons of people in that place. Why is he watching us?!
:'''Bug''': There were a lot of people watching you last night.
:'''Nigel''': Yeah. When you look like ''you'' look, people look.

== Season 6 ==

=== ''Retribution'' [6.01] ===

:'''Garret''': We all know Jordan didn't kill anybody, but we need to prove it quick before she gets herself in more trouble.
:'''Nigel''': Yeah, cause two murders and violating the terms of her bail isn't bad enough.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nigel''': Dr.… didn't catch the name.
:'''Dr. Switzer''': I didn't throw it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garret''': Leave Dr. Switzer alone, she has a job to do.
:'''Dr. Switzer''': Thank you. I appreciate the support, Dr. Macy.
:'''Garret''': You don't have my support, You're here over my objections.
:'''Dr. Switzer''': Then I appreciate the candor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jordan and Garret are Outside Judge Gordon's office.]''
:'''Jordan''': Ok, there's his office… and I'm sorry.
:'''Garret''': For what?
:''[Jordan punches him in the stomach.]''
:'''Jordan''': Heart attack, go with it.

=== ''Shattered'' [6.02] ===

:''[Bug and Nigel are sorting through the body parts of the woman hit on the highway.]''
:'''Nigel''': All the kings' horses.
:'''Bug''': All the kings' men.
:'''Woody''': Nice guys, real nice.  The woman's in a million pieces and you guys are quoting fairy tales.
:'''Nigel''': Actually, it's a nursery rhyme.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jordan''': Swytzer?
:'''Dr. Switzer''': Switzer.
:'''Jordan''': Switzer, sorry.  See, when you come to a new place it's good to make an effort to learn the culture.
:'''Dr. Switzer''': Excuse me?
:'''Jordan''': Pushy is not your best option here.
:'''Dr. Switzer''': Why, because you've cornered the market?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Nigel confronts Kate, the brusque new medical examiner.]''
:'''Nigel''': I don't know who you are, or how you did things in New York, but there's something you need to know.  Around here, we treat each other with respect.  We work together.  We look out for each other.  We're family.  So I don't know why you're here.  Or what conspiracy you and Ivers got going on, but I'll tell you this.  You keep harassing Miss Lebowski and I will make your life here a living hell.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kate''': Since you didn't stick around after your drive-by hissy fit, here's something you should know.  I'm here to do a job.  Not to make friends.  I have friends.  I have family.  Back at home where they belong.  So aside from the fact that your mere existence makes my life a living hell, as you so charmingly put it, I'm really not concerned about you.  You, on the other hand…  might want to be concerned about me.

=== ''33 Bullets'' [6.03] ===

:'''Jordan''': Beating people to stop violence makes about as much sense as bombing for peace.
:'''Lu''': What would you suggest they do?  Hold hands and sing &quot;kum-ba-yah&quot;?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Nigel examines a cupcake.]''
:'''Nigel''': It's impressive, really.  How malic acid, magnesium hydroxide and modified starches can together create a lifelike facsimile of actual food…

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kate shoves a looter back with the baseball bat.]''
:'''Kate''': You are gonna be blood and guts on this floor, and then I'm gonna rip out your kidneys and I am gonna take them home and feed them to my dog, Binky.  'Cause there's nothing Binky loves more than the taste of human kidneys.

=== ''Crash'' [6.17] ===

:'''Jordan''': Woody, I don't know what's gonna happen up here.  But, uh, there's something I have to say.  Just so ya know, uh…(Jordan takes a deep breath)…I love you.
:'''Woody''': Jordan
:'''Jordan''': I'm not asking for anything here.  I just, you know.  Uh, I just don't want it left unsaid.  Feels like my whole life I've been so focused on death.  You know, my Mom, my job and uh…I think I've…I've just been afraid of really living, you know.
:''(Woody leans in and kisses Jordan)''

== Unidentified episode == &lt;!-- DO NOT CHANGE THIS HEADING! IF YOU CAN IDENTIFY A QUOTE'S EPISODE, EITHER MOVE TO THE CORRECT HEADING OR PLACE A NOTE IMMEDIATE *UNDERNEATH* THE QUOTE. --&gt;

:'''Macy''': We should all sort out our personal demons before having children.
:* &quot;Save Me&quot;, season 5
:Season 5 Episode 17

== Major cast ==

* [[w:Jill Hennessy|Jill Hennessy]] — Dr. Jordan Cavanaugh
* [[w:Miguel Ferrer|Miguel Ferrer]] — Dr. Garret Macy
* [[w:Ravi Kapoor|Ravi Kapoor]] — Dr. Mahesh &quot;Bug&quot; Vijayaraghavensatanaryanamurthy
* [[w:Kathryn Hahn|Kathryn Hahn]] — Lily Lebowski
* [[w:Steve Valentine|Steve Valentine]] — Dr. Nigel Townsend
* [[w:Jerry O'Connell|Jerry O'Connell]] — Det. Woody Hoyt
* [[w:Ken Howard|Ken Howard]] — Max Cavanaugh
* [[w:Mahershalalhashbaz Ali|Mahersha Ali]] — Dr. Trey Sanders
* [[w:Lorraine Toussaint|Lorraine Toussaint]] — Dr. Elaine Duchamps
* [[w:Ivan Sergei|Ivan Sergei]] — Dr. Peter Winslow

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title | id=0284718 | title=Crossing Jordan}}

[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:NBC shows]]
[[Category:2000s American crime drama TV shows]]</text>
      <sha1>5vx7cs3dvmzxvbkqpx4v8x5gaszog4c</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>July 27</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>27215</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147858</id>
      <parentid>2988232</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T22:22:47Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Kalki</username>
        <id>71</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Suggestions */ add 1</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="19902" xml:space="preserve">&lt;div id=&quot;27&quot; style=&quot;margin: 1em 0em; border: thin solid black; padding: 3px; background-color: #CFE5FF; font: bold 14pt sans-serif;&quot;&gt;[[Category:Days]][[w:July 27|July 27]]&lt;/div&gt; &lt;noinclude&gt;'''Quotes of the day''' from previous years:&lt;/noinclude&gt;

; 2003
: I think all foreigners should stop interfering in the internal affairs of Iraq. ~ [[Paul Wolfowitz]]
:* selected by [[User:Nanobug|Nanobug]]

; 2004
: When I was a kid my parents used to tell me: &quot;Don't go near the cellar door, Emo!&quot; One day when they were away, I went to the door and opened it... and I saw ''birds'' and ''trees''... ~ [[Emo Philips]]
:* selected by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]

; 2005
: From quiet homes and first beginning, Out to the undiscovered ends, There's nothing worth the wear of winning, But laughter and the love of friends. ~ [[Hilaire Belloc]] (born 27 July 1870)
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]

; 2006
: In soft deluding lies let fools delight. A shadow marks our days, which end in Night. ~ [[Hilaire Belloc]]
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:52, 26 July 2005 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2007
: A heart, a heart that hurts, is a heart, a heart that works. ~ [[Juliana Hatfield]] (born 27 July 1967)
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 20:33, 26 July 2007 (UTC)
* 4 [[User:Coyote|Coyote]] 23:38, 26 July 2007 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2008
: It was my shame, and now it is my boast, That I have loved you rather more than most. ~ [[Hilaire Belloc]]
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:52, 26 July 2005 (UTC)
* 4 [[User:Coyote|Coyote]] 22:13, 26 July 2007 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:32, 24 April 2008 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2009
: When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. ~ [[Sherlock Holmes]] in ''[[w:The Sign of the Four|The Sign of the Four]]'' by [[Arthur Conan Doyle]]
:* proposed by [[User:202.54.176.11|IP 202.54.176.11]] &lt;!-- : {{unsigned|202.54.176.11}}
* 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 23:04, 26 July 2009 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 20:33, 26 July 2007 (UTC) No clear relation to the date, but still inclined toward a 3 or perhaps even a 4 eventually, if it is not first used on some other date.&lt;/s&gt;
* 3 [[User:Coyote|Coyote]] 23:38, 26 July 2007 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:32, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 26 July 2009 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2010
: ''I've been sleeping through my life &lt;br&gt;Now I'm waking up &lt;br&gt;And I want to stand in the sunshine &lt;br&gt;I have never been ecstatic &lt;br&gt;Had a flower but it never bloomed &lt;br&gt;In the darkness of my wasted youth &lt;br&gt;It was hiding in the shadows &lt;br&gt;Learning to become invisible &lt;br&gt;Uncover me.'' &lt;p&gt; ~ [[Juliana Hatfield]] ~&lt;/p&gt;
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- ''I have never been ecstatic &lt;br&gt;Had a flower but it never bloomed &lt;br&gt;In the darkness of my wasted youth &lt;br&gt;It was hiding in the shadows &lt;br&gt;Learning to become invisible. &lt;br&gt;Uncover me.'' &lt;br&gt; ~ [[Juliana Hatfield]] ~
* 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &amp;middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 10:55, 24 July 2010 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 20:33, 26 July 2007 (UTC) with a very strong lean toward 4, but believe I accidentally left out the first 3 lines here, &lt;/s&gt;and would now extend this to :
: ''I've been sleeping through my life &lt;br&gt;Now I'm waking up &lt;br&gt;And I want to stand in the sunshine &lt;br&gt;I have never been ecstatic &lt;br&gt;Had a flower but it never bloomed &lt;br&gt;In the darkness of my wasted youth &lt;br&gt;It was hiding in the shadows &lt;br&gt;Learning to become invisible &lt;br&gt;Uncover me.''
* 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:32, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
* 3 for the longer version. - [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 26 July 2009 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2011
: I have wandered all my life, and I have also traveled; the difference between the two being this, that we wander for distraction, but we travel for fulfillment. ~ [[Hilaire Belloc]]
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &amp;middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 19:48, 22 July 2011 (UTC) &lt;s&gt; 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 22:33, 26 July 2009 (UTC) with a lean toward 3 &lt;/s&gt;
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 26 July 2009 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 18:25, 21 August 2009 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2012
: {{quote of the day
| quote = [[Writing|Write]] as the [[wind]] blows and command all [[words]] like an [[army]]!
| author = Hilaire Belloc
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 21:35, 6 July 2012 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 22:33, 26 July 2009 (UTC) with a lean toward 3&lt;/s&gt;
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 26 July 2009 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 18:25, 21 August 2009 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2013
{{quote of the day
| quote = The thing about [[dancers]] is they're a certain breed. You don't do it to become [[rich]] and [[famous]], you don't do it to have a really long career or to be the star, you do it because you can't [[imagine]] your [[life]] not doing it.
| author = [[w:Cat Deeley|Cat Deeley]]
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] &lt;!-- National Dance Day (the last Saturday in July) [http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1685776/so-you-think-you-can-dance-season-nine.jhtml source]
* 3 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 02:28, 21 June 2013 (UTC)
* 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 15:21, 21 July 2013 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2014
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;p&gt;Triumphal arch, that fill'st the [[sky]] &lt;br /&gt; When [[storms]] prepare to part, &lt;br /&gt; I ask not proud [[Philosophy]] &lt;br /&gt; To [[teach]] me what thou art. —&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt; Still seem, as to my [[childhood]]'s sight, &lt;br /&gt; A midway station [[Gift|given]], &lt;br /&gt; For [[happy]] [[spirits]] to alight,&lt;br /&gt; Betwixt the [[earth]] and [[heaven]].&lt;/p&gt;
| author = [[Thomas Campbell (poet)|Thomas Campbell]]
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 15:15, 26 July 2014 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2015
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;p&gt;''I [[wonder]], by my [[troth]], what thou and I &lt;br /&gt; Did, till we loved? Were we not weaned till then? &lt;br /&gt; But sucked on country [[pleasures]], childishly? &lt;br /&gt; Or snorted we in the [[w:Seven Sleepers|Seven Sleepers]]’ den? &lt;br /&gt; ’Twas so; but this, all pleasures fancies be. &lt;br /&gt; If ever any [[beauty]] I did see, &lt;br /&gt; Which I [[desired]], and got, ’twas but a [[dream]] of thee.''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;''And [[now]] [[w:The Good-Morrow|good-morrow]] to our [[waking]] [[souls]], &lt;br /&gt; Which watch not one another out of [[fear]]; &lt;br /&gt; For [[love]], all love of other sights controls, &lt;br /&gt; And makes one little room an [[Cosmos|everywhere]].''&lt;/p&gt;
| author = John Donne
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]], for a traditional feast day of [[w:Seven Sleepers|Seven Sleepers]].&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 20:17, 26 July 2015 (UTC) for the feast day of the [[w:Seven Sleepers|Seven Sleepers]] --&gt;

; 2016
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; In a [[word]], the Barbarian is discoverable everywhere in this that he cannot ''[[Creation|make]]''; that he can befog or [[destroy]], but that he cannot sustain; and of every Barbarian in the decline or [[peril]] of every [[civilisation]] exactly that has been true. &lt;br /&gt; We sit by and watch the Barbarian, we [[tolerate]] him; in the long stretches of [[peace]] we are not [[afraid]]. &lt;br /&gt; We are tickled by his irreverence, his comic inversion of our old certitudes and our fixed [[creeds]] refreshes us: we [[laugh]]. But as we laugh we are watched by large and awful faces from beyond: and on these faces there is no [[smile]].
| author = Hilaire Belloc
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Bystander53|bystander]]&lt;!-- We sit by and watch the Barbarian, we tolerate him; in the long stretches of peace we are not afraid. We are tickled by his irreverence, his comic inversion of our old certitudes and our fixed creed refreshes us: we laugh. But as we laugh we are watched by large and awful faces from beyond: and on these faces there are no smiles. ~ [[Hilaire Belloc]]
* 3 [[User:Bystander53|bystander]] ([[User talk:Bystander53|talk]]) 15:09, 26 July 2015 (UTC) with a lean to 4
* 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 00:19, 26 July 2016 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 20:17, 26 July 2015 (UTC) with a lean toward 4&lt;/s&gt; — but would extend this to read:
:: In a word, the Barbarian is discoverable everywhere in this that he cannot ''[[Creation|make]]''; that he can befog or [[destroy]], but that he cannot sustain; and of every Barbarian in the decline or peril of every [[civilisation]] exactly that has been true. &lt;br /&gt; We sit by and watch the Barbarian, we [[tolerate]] him; in the long stretches of [[peace]] we are not [[afraid]]. &lt;br /&gt; We are tickled by his irreverence, his comic inversion of our old certitudes and our fixed [[creeds]] refreshes us: we [[laugh]]. But as we laugh we are watched by large and awful faces from beyond: and on these faces there is no [[smile]]. --&gt;

; 2017
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; ''There was [[silence]] deep as [[death]], &lt;br&gt; And the boldest held his [[breath]], &lt;br&gt; For a [[time]].''
| author = Thomas Campbell
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:52, 26 July 2017 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 22:33, 26 July 2009 (UTC) with a lean toward 3&lt;/s&gt;
* 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 26 July 2009 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 18:25, 21 August 2009 (UTC)
* 1 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 16:07, 17 June 2013 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2018
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; ''Of [[courtesy]] it is much less &lt;br /&gt; Than [[courage]] of [[heart]] or [[holiness]] &lt;br /&gt; Yet in my walks it seems to me &lt;br /&gt; That the [[Grace]] of [[God]] is in courtesy.''
| author = Hilaire Belloc
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- Of courtesy it is much less than courage of heart or holiness, yet in my walks it seems to me that the Grace of God is in courtesy. ~ [[Hilaire Belloc]] (date of birth)
* 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 00:12, 27 July 2018 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:52, 26 July 2005 (UTC) with a lean toward 4.&lt;/s&gt;
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:32, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 26 July 2009 (UTC)
* 2 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 16:07, 17 June 2013 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2019
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; ''There's a hole in the [[sky]] &lt;br /&gt; I stood and stared &lt;br /&gt; I [[feel]] it inside what isn't there &lt;br /&gt; The [[children]] are [[lost]] we can't find them anywhere &lt;br /&gt; Hole in the sky &lt;br /&gt; I'm [[crying]] still crying for you.''
| author = Juliana Hatfield
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 00:11, 27 July 2019 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2020
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; &lt;p&gt;''I'm a [[goddess]] in your [[eyes]], and I will never [[die]]. &lt;br /&gt; I was born of [[people]]'s [[needs]], and what they don't wanna [[believe]]. &lt;br /&gt; But I am a [[liar]], that's the [[truth]], go [[home]] and think it through. &lt;br /&gt; That's the harm in [[mystery]], all you [[know]] is what you [[see]].''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;''I got no [[idols]].''&lt;/p&gt;
| author = Juliana Hatfield
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 00:11, 27 July 2020 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2021
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt;&lt;p&gt; ''Methinks, thy jubilee to keep, &lt;br /&gt; The first-made anthem rang &lt;br /&gt; On [[earth]] deliver'd from the deep, &lt;br /&gt; And the first [[poet]] sang.''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;''Nor ever shall the Muse's eye &lt;br /&gt; Unraptured greet thy beam: &lt;br /&gt; Theme of primeval [[prophecy]], &lt;br /&gt; Be still the poet's theme!''&lt;/p&gt;
| author = Thomas Campbell
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:11, 26 July 2021 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;2 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 15:15, 26 July 2014 (UTC)&lt;/s&gt; --&gt;

; 2022 : ''[[July 27|Rank or add further suggestions…]]''

----
&lt;noinclude&gt;
Ranking system:
:4 : '''Excellent''' - should definitely be used.
:3 : '''Very Good''' - strong desire to see it used.
:2 : '''Good''' - some desire to see it used.
:1 : '''Acceptable''' - but with no particular desire to see it used.
:0 : '''Not acceptable''' - not appropriate for use as a quote of the day.
----
----
== Suggestions ==

Hello Fry, I am...''[stops mid-sentence, throws multi-sided dice]''...pleased to meet you&quot; ([[Gary Gygax]], born that day, voicing himself on ''[[Futurama]]'')
* 3 ~ [[User:MosheZadka|MosheZadka]] [[User talk:MosheZadka|(Talk)]] 10:02, 25 Jun 2005 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:121a0012|121a0012]] June 28, 2005 02:36 (UTC) (I've never seen a single-sided die.)
* 1 because there are hundreds if not thousands of better Futurama quotes. [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:32, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 22:33, 26 July 2009 (UTC)
* 1 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 16:07, 17 June 2013 (UTC)

----

Quamquam haec severa matromonia. -- [[Tacitus]]
* However there the marriage is serious
* 3 [[User:Aphaia|Aphaia]] (very personal preference, this day is our marriage day ;-)
* 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:32, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
* 1 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 16:07, 17 June 2013 (UTC)

----

Games give you a chance to excel, and if you're playing in good company you don't even mind if you lose because you had the enjoyment of the company during the course of the game. ~ [[Gary Gygax]]
* 3 ~ [[User:MosheZadka|MosheZadka]] [[User talk:MosheZadka|(Talk)]] 00:25, 18 July 2005 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:32, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 22:33, 26 July 2009 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 26 July 2009 (UTC)
* 2 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 16:07, 17 June 2013 (UTC)

----

The books I write because I want to read them, the games because I want to play them, and stories I tell because I find them exciting personally. ~ [[Gary Gygax]]
* 3 ~ [[User:MosheZadka|MosheZadka]] [[User talk:MosheZadka|(Talk)]] 00:25, 18 July 2005 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:32, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 22:33, 26 July 2009 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 26 July 2009 (UTC)
* 2 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 16:07, 17 June 2013 (UTC)

----

Oh! once the harp of Innisfail&lt;br&gt;Was strung full high to notes of gladness;&lt;br&gt;But yet it often told a tale&lt;br&gt;Of more prevailing sadness. ~ [[Thomas Campbell]]
* 3 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 19:48, 21 May 2008 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 22:33, 26 July 2009 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 26 July 2009 (UTC)
* 1 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 16:07, 17 June 2013 (UTC)
----

&lt;p&gt;''By torch and trumpet fast arrayed, &lt;br&gt; Each horseman drew his battle blade, &lt;br&gt; And furious every charger neighed &lt;br&gt; To join the dreadful revelry.''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;''Then shook the hills with thunder riven, &lt;br&gt; Then rushed the steed to battle driven, &lt;br&gt; And louder than the bolts of heaven &lt;br&gt; Far flashed the red artillery.''&lt;br&gt; ~ [[Thomas Campbell]] ~&lt;/p&gt;
* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 22:33, 26 July 2009 (UTC) with a lean toward 3
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 18:25, 21 August 2009 (UTC)
* 2 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 16:07, 17 June 2013 (UTC)

----

''The combat deepens. On, ye brave, &lt;br&gt; Who rush to glory, or the grave!'' &lt;br&gt; ~ [[Thomas Campbell]] ~
* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 22:33, 26 July 2009 (UTC) with a lean toward 3, or eventual 4
* 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 26 July 2009 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 18:25, 21 August 2009 (UTC)
* 2 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 16:07, 17 June 2013 (UTC)

----

Anchorites used to ill-treat themselves in the way they did, so that the common people would not begrudge them the beatitude they would enjoy in heaven. ~ [[Cesare Pavese]]
* 3 Suffering, goodness and heaven, important themes in Pavese; and witty. [[User:Nemo_bis|Nemo]] 14:07, 18 January 2012 (UTC)
* 2 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 21:35, 6 July 2012 (UTC) with a lean toward 3.
* 1 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 16:07, 17 June 2013 (UTC)

----
{{quote of the day
| quote = ''What a life, you wear it like propriety &lt;br /&gt; What a life, you do it like you really mean it &lt;br /&gt; What a life, I watch it like a scary movie &lt;br /&gt; What a life, what a life, what a life.''
| author = Juliana Hatfield
}}
* 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 22:22, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

----

&lt;!-- interwiki start --&gt;

&lt;!-- interwiki end --&gt;
&lt;/noinclude&gt;</text>
      <sha1>qhe09k3ga0q03lqv9mcu56mj4vp4vny</sha1>
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      <id>3147871</id>
      <parentid>3147858</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T22:50:19Z</timestamp>
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        <id>71</id>
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      <comment>updates, add 1</comment>
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      <text bytes="19919" xml:space="preserve">&lt;div id=&quot;27&quot; style=&quot;margin: 1em 0em; border: thin solid black; padding: 3px; background-color: #CFE5FF; font: bold 14pt sans-serif;&quot;&gt;[[Category:Days]][[w:July 27|July 27]]&lt;/div&gt; &lt;noinclude&gt;'''Quotes of the day''' from previous years:&lt;/noinclude&gt;

; 2003
: I think all foreigners should stop interfering in the internal affairs of Iraq. ~ [[Paul Wolfowitz]]
:* selected by [[User:Nanobug|Nanobug]]

; 2004
: When I was a kid my parents used to tell me: &quot;Don't go near the cellar door, Emo!&quot; One day when they were away, I went to the door and opened it... and I saw ''birds'' and ''trees''... ~ [[Emo Philips]]
:* selected by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]

; 2005
: From quiet homes and first beginning, Out to the undiscovered ends, There's nothing worth the wear of winning, But laughter and the love of friends. ~ [[Hilaire Belloc]] (born 27 July 1870)
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]

; 2006
: In soft deluding lies let fools delight. A shadow marks our days, which end in Night. ~ [[Hilaire Belloc]]
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:52, 26 July 2005 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2007
: A heart, a heart that hurts, is a heart, a heart that works. ~ [[Juliana Hatfield]] (born 27 July 1967)
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 20:33, 26 July 2007 (UTC)
* 4 [[User:Coyote|Coyote]] 23:38, 26 July 2007 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2008
: It was my shame, and now it is my boast, That I have loved you rather more than most. ~ [[Hilaire Belloc]]
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:52, 26 July 2005 (UTC)
* 4 [[User:Coyote|Coyote]] 22:13, 26 July 2007 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:32, 24 April 2008 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2009
: When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. ~ [[Sherlock Holmes]] in ''[[w:The Sign of the Four|The Sign of the Four]]'' by [[Arthur Conan Doyle]]
:* proposed by [[User:202.54.176.11|IP 202.54.176.11]] &lt;!-- : {{unsigned|202.54.176.11}}
* 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 23:04, 26 July 2009 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 20:33, 26 July 2007 (UTC) No clear relation to the date, but still inclined toward a 3 or perhaps even a 4 eventually, if it is not first used on some other date.&lt;/s&gt;
* 3 [[User:Coyote|Coyote]] 23:38, 26 July 2007 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:32, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 26 July 2009 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2010
: ''I've been sleeping through my life &lt;br&gt;Now I'm waking up &lt;br&gt;And I want to stand in the sunshine &lt;br&gt;I have never been ecstatic &lt;br&gt;Had a flower but it never bloomed &lt;br&gt;In the darkness of my wasted youth &lt;br&gt;It was hiding in the shadows &lt;br&gt;Learning to become invisible &lt;br&gt;Uncover me.'' &lt;p&gt; ~ [[Juliana Hatfield]] ~&lt;/p&gt;
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- ''I have never been ecstatic &lt;br&gt;Had a flower but it never bloomed &lt;br&gt;In the darkness of my wasted youth &lt;br&gt;It was hiding in the shadows &lt;br&gt;Learning to become invisible. &lt;br&gt;Uncover me.'' &lt;br&gt; ~ [[Juliana Hatfield]] ~
* 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &amp;middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 10:55, 24 July 2010 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 20:33, 26 July 2007 (UTC) with a very strong lean toward 4, but believe I accidentally left out the first 3 lines here, &lt;/s&gt;and would now extend this to :
: ''I've been sleeping through my life &lt;br&gt;Now I'm waking up &lt;br&gt;And I want to stand in the sunshine &lt;br&gt;I have never been ecstatic &lt;br&gt;Had a flower but it never bloomed &lt;br&gt;In the darkness of my wasted youth &lt;br&gt;It was hiding in the shadows &lt;br&gt;Learning to become invisible &lt;br&gt;Uncover me.''
* 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:32, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
* 3 for the longer version. - [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 26 July 2009 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2011
: I have wandered all my life, and I have also traveled; the difference between the two being this, that we wander for distraction, but we travel for fulfillment. ~ [[Hilaire Belloc]]
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &amp;middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 19:48, 22 July 2011 (UTC) &lt;s&gt; 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 22:33, 26 July 2009 (UTC) with a lean toward 3 &lt;/s&gt;
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 26 July 2009 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 18:25, 21 August 2009 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2012
: {{quote of the day
| quote = [[Writing|Write]] as the [[wind]] blows and command all [[words]] like an [[army]]!
| author = Hilaire Belloc
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 21:35, 6 July 2012 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 22:33, 26 July 2009 (UTC) with a lean toward 3&lt;/s&gt;
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 26 July 2009 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 18:25, 21 August 2009 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2013
{{quote of the day
| quote = The thing about [[dancers]] is they're a certain breed. You don't do it to become [[rich]] and [[famous]], you don't do it to have a really long career or to be the star, you do it because you can't [[imagine]] your [[life]] not doing it.
| author = [[w:Cat Deeley|Cat Deeley]]
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] &lt;!-- National Dance Day (the last Saturday in July) [http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1685776/so-you-think-you-can-dance-season-nine.jhtml source]
* 3 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 02:28, 21 June 2013 (UTC)
* 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 15:21, 21 July 2013 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2014
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;p&gt;Triumphal arch, that fill'st the [[sky]] &lt;br /&gt; When [[storms]] prepare to part, &lt;br /&gt; I ask not proud [[Philosophy]] &lt;br /&gt; To [[teach]] me what thou art. —&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt; Still seem, as to my [[childhood]]'s sight, &lt;br /&gt; A midway station [[Gift|given]], &lt;br /&gt; For [[happy]] [[spirits]] to alight,&lt;br /&gt; Betwixt the [[earth]] and [[heaven]].&lt;/p&gt;
| author = [[Thomas Campbell (poet)|Thomas Campbell]]
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 15:15, 26 July 2014 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2015
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;p&gt;''I [[wonder]], by my [[troth]], what thou and I &lt;br /&gt; Did, till we loved? Were we not weaned till then? &lt;br /&gt; But sucked on country [[pleasures]], childishly? &lt;br /&gt; Or snorted we in the [[w:Seven Sleepers|Seven Sleepers]]’ den? &lt;br /&gt; ’Twas so; but this, all pleasures fancies be. &lt;br /&gt; If ever any [[beauty]] I did see, &lt;br /&gt; Which I [[desired]], and got, ’twas but a [[dream]] of thee.''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;''And [[now]] [[w:The Good-Morrow|good-morrow]] to our [[waking]] [[souls]], &lt;br /&gt; Which watch not one another out of [[fear]]; &lt;br /&gt; For [[love]], all love of other sights controls, &lt;br /&gt; And makes one little room an [[Cosmos|everywhere]].''&lt;/p&gt;
| author = John Donne
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]], for a traditional feast day of [[w:Seven Sleepers|Seven Sleepers]].&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 20:17, 26 July 2015 (UTC) for the feast day of the [[w:Seven Sleepers|Seven Sleepers]] --&gt;

; 2016
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; In a [[word]], the Barbarian is discoverable everywhere in this that he cannot ''[[Creation|make]]''; that he can befog or [[destroy]], but that he cannot sustain; and of every Barbarian in the decline or [[peril]] of every [[civilisation]] exactly that has been true. &lt;br /&gt; We sit by and watch the Barbarian, we [[tolerate]] him; in the long stretches of [[peace]] we are not [[afraid]]. &lt;br /&gt; We are tickled by his irreverence, his comic inversion of our old certitudes and our fixed [[creeds]] refreshes us: we [[laugh]]. But as we laugh we are watched by large and awful faces from beyond: and on these faces there is no [[smile]].
| author = Hilaire Belloc
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Bystander53|bystander]]&lt;!-- We sit by and watch the Barbarian, we tolerate him; in the long stretches of peace we are not afraid. We are tickled by his irreverence, his comic inversion of our old certitudes and our fixed creed refreshes us: we laugh. But as we laugh we are watched by large and awful faces from beyond: and on these faces there are no smiles. ~ [[Hilaire Belloc]]
* 3 [[User:Bystander53|bystander]] ([[User talk:Bystander53|talk]]) 15:09, 26 July 2015 (UTC) with a lean to 4
* 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 00:19, 26 July 2016 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 20:17, 26 July 2015 (UTC) with a lean toward 4&lt;/s&gt; — but would extend this to read:
:: In a word, the Barbarian is discoverable everywhere in this that he cannot ''[[Creation|make]]''; that he can befog or [[destroy]], but that he cannot sustain; and of every Barbarian in the decline or peril of every [[civilisation]] exactly that has been true. &lt;br /&gt; We sit by and watch the Barbarian, we [[tolerate]] him; in the long stretches of [[peace]] we are not [[afraid]]. &lt;br /&gt; We are tickled by his irreverence, his comic inversion of our old certitudes and our fixed [[creeds]] refreshes us: we [[laugh]]. But as we laugh we are watched by large and awful faces from beyond: and on these faces there is no [[smile]]. --&gt;

; 2017
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; ''There was [[silence]] deep as [[death]], &lt;br&gt; And the boldest held his [[breath]], &lt;br&gt; For a [[time]].''
| author = Thomas Campbell
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:52, 26 July 2017 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 22:33, 26 July 2009 (UTC) with a lean toward 3&lt;/s&gt;
* 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 26 July 2009 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 18:25, 21 August 2009 (UTC)
* 1 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 16:07, 17 June 2013 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2018
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; ''Of [[courtesy]] it is much less &lt;br /&gt; Than [[courage]] of [[heart]] or [[holiness]] &lt;br /&gt; Yet in my walks it seems to me &lt;br /&gt; That the [[Grace]] of [[God]] is in courtesy.''
| author = Hilaire Belloc
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- Of courtesy it is much less than courage of heart or holiness, yet in my walks it seems to me that the Grace of God is in courtesy. ~ [[Hilaire Belloc]] (date of birth)
* 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 00:12, 27 July 2018 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:52, 26 July 2005 (UTC) with a lean toward 4.&lt;/s&gt;
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:32, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 26 July 2009 (UTC)
* 2 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 16:07, 17 June 2013 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2019
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; ''There's a hole in the [[sky]] &lt;br /&gt; I stood and stared &lt;br /&gt; I [[feel]] it inside what isn't there &lt;br /&gt; The [[children]] are [[lost]] we can't find them anywhere &lt;br /&gt; Hole in the sky &lt;br /&gt; I'm [[crying]] still crying for you.''
| author = Juliana Hatfield
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 00:11, 27 July 2019 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2020
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; &lt;p&gt;''I'm a [[goddess]] in your [[eyes]], and I will never [[die]]. &lt;br /&gt; I was born of [[people]]'s [[needs]], and what they don't wanna [[believe]]. &lt;br /&gt; But I am a [[liar]], that's the [[truth]], go [[home]] and think it through. &lt;br /&gt; That's the harm in [[mystery]], all you [[know]] is what you [[see]].''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;''I got no [[idols]].''&lt;/p&gt;
| author = Juliana Hatfield
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 00:11, 27 July 2020 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2021
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt;&lt;p&gt; ''Methinks, thy jubilee to keep, &lt;br /&gt; The first-made anthem rang &lt;br /&gt; On [[earth]] deliver'd from the deep, &lt;br /&gt; And the first [[poet]] sang.''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;''Nor ever shall the Muse's eye &lt;br /&gt; Unraptured greet thy beam: &lt;br /&gt; Theme of primeval [[prophecy]], &lt;br /&gt; Be still the poet's theme!''&lt;/p&gt;
| author = Thomas Campbell
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:11, 26 July 2021 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;2 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 15:15, 26 July 2014 (UTC)&lt;/s&gt; --&gt;

; 2022
{{quote of the day
| quote =  &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt;  ''What a [[life]], you wear it like [[propriety]] &lt;br /&gt; What a life, you do it like you really [[Meaning|mean]] it &lt;br /&gt; What a life, I [[watch]] it like a [[scary]] [[movie]] &lt;br /&gt; What a life, what a life, what a life.''
| author = Juliana Hatfield
}}

; 2023 : ''[[July 27|Rank or add further suggestions…]]''

----
&lt;noinclude&gt;
&lt;!-- ----
'''Quotes by people born this day, already used as QOTD:''' --&gt; 
----
{{QOTD Ranking}}
----
----
== Suggestions ==

Hello Fry, I am...''[stops mid-sentence, throws multi-sided dice]''...pleased to meet you&quot; ([[Gary Gygax]], born that day, voicing himself on ''[[Futurama]]'')
* 3 ~ [[User:MosheZadka|MosheZadka]] [[User talk:MosheZadka|(Talk)]] 10:02, 25 Jun 2005 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:121a0012|121a0012]] June 28, 2005 02:36 (UTC) (I've never seen a single-sided die.)
* 1 because there are hundreds if not thousands of better Futurama quotes. [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:32, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 22:33, 26 July 2009 (UTC)
* 1 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 16:07, 17 June 2013 (UTC)

----

Quamquam haec severa matromonia. -- [[Tacitus]]
* However there the marriage is serious
* 3 [[User:Aphaia|Aphaia]] (very personal preference, this day is our marriage day ;-)
* 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:32, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
* 1 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 16:07, 17 June 2013 (UTC)

----

Games give you a chance to excel, and if you're playing in good company you don't even mind if you lose because you had the enjoyment of the company during the course of the game. ~ [[Gary Gygax]]
* 3 ~ [[User:MosheZadka|MosheZadka]] [[User talk:MosheZadka|(Talk)]] 00:25, 18 July 2005 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:32, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 22:33, 26 July 2009 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 26 July 2009 (UTC)
* 2 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 16:07, 17 June 2013 (UTC)

----

The books I write because I want to read them, the games because I want to play them, and stories I tell because I find them exciting personally. ~ [[Gary Gygax]]
* 3 ~ [[User:MosheZadka|MosheZadka]] [[User talk:MosheZadka|(Talk)]] 00:25, 18 July 2005 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:32, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 22:33, 26 July 2009 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 26 July 2009 (UTC)
* 2 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 16:07, 17 June 2013 (UTC)

----

Oh! once the harp of Innisfail&lt;br&gt;Was strung full high to notes of gladness;&lt;br&gt;But yet it often told a tale&lt;br&gt;Of more prevailing sadness. ~ [[Thomas Campbell]]
* 3 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 19:48, 21 May 2008 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 22:33, 26 July 2009 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 26 July 2009 (UTC)
* 1 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 16:07, 17 June 2013 (UTC)
----

&lt;p&gt;''By torch and trumpet fast arrayed, &lt;br&gt; Each horseman drew his battle blade, &lt;br&gt; And furious every charger neighed &lt;br&gt; To join the dreadful revelry.''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;''Then shook the hills with thunder riven, &lt;br&gt; Then rushed the steed to battle driven, &lt;br&gt; And louder than the bolts of heaven &lt;br&gt; Far flashed the red artillery.''&lt;br&gt; ~ [[Thomas Campbell]] ~&lt;/p&gt;
* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 22:33, 26 July 2009 (UTC) with a lean toward 3
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 18:25, 21 August 2009 (UTC)
* 2 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 16:07, 17 June 2013 (UTC)

----

''The combat deepens. On, ye brave, &lt;br&gt; Who rush to glory, or the grave!'' &lt;br&gt; ~ [[Thomas Campbell]] ~
* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 22:33, 26 July 2009 (UTC) with a lean toward 3, or eventual 4
* 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 26 July 2009 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 18:25, 21 August 2009 (UTC)
* 2 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 16:07, 17 June 2013 (UTC)

----

Anchorites used to ill-treat themselves in the way they did, so that the common people would not begrudge them the beatitude they would enjoy in heaven. ~ [[Cesare Pavese]]
* 3 Suffering, goodness and heaven, important themes in Pavese; and witty. [[User:Nemo_bis|Nemo]] 14:07, 18 January 2012 (UTC)
* 2 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 21:35, 6 July 2012 (UTC) with a lean toward 3.
* 1 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 16:07, 17 June 2013 (UTC)

----
{{quote of the day
| quote = ''Reach inside carefully. &lt;br /&gt; Feel my psyche. &lt;br /&gt; Make it last. &lt;br /&gt; Put this moment under glass.''
| author = Juliana Hatfield
}}
* 3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 22:49, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

----

&lt;!-- interwiki start --&gt;

&lt;!-- interwiki end --&gt;
&lt;/noinclude&gt;</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Robot Chicken</title>
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[[File:1Volskeoko.jpg|thumb|This is what happens to your brain on heroin. … Any questions?]] 
'''''[[w:Robot_Chicken|Robot Chicken]]''''' is a series on [[w:Adult_Swim|Adult Swim]] that uses [[w:stop motion|stop motion]] animation to make small sketches based on current events, or ad-libbed situations based on [[w:pop culture|pop culture]].

==Seasons==
::[[Robot Chicken (season 1)|Season 1]]
::[[Robot Chicken (season 2)|Season 2]]
::[[Robot Chicken (season 3)|Season 3]]
::[[Robot Chicken (season 4)|Season 4]]
::[[Robot Chicken (season 5)|Season 5]]
::[[Robot Chicken (season 6)|Season 6]]
::[[Robot Chicken (season 7)|Season 7]]

== Specials ==
* ''[[Robot Chicken: Star Wars]]''
* ''[[Robot Chicken: Star Wars Episode II]]''
* ''[[Robot Chicken: Star Wars Episode III]]''
* ''[[Born Again Virgin Christmas Special]]''
* ''[[DC Comics Special II: Villains in Paradise]]''

== Cast ==
* [[w:Seth Green|Seth Green]] - Various
* [[w:Dan Milano|Dan Milano]] - Various
* [[w:Breckin Meyer|Breckin Meyer]] - Various
* [[w:Chad Morgan|Chad Morgan]] - Various
* [[Seth MacFarlane]] - Various
* [[w:Mila Kunis|Mila Kunis]] - Various (recurring)
* [[w:Quinton Flynn|Quinton Flynn]] - Various (recurring)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|nm2437338|Robot Chicken}}
* {{TV.com|33630|Robot Chicken}}
* [http://www.robotchicken.org The ''Robot Chicken'' Wiki]

{{Adult Swim}}

[[Category:2000s American adult animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American adult animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American adult animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American black comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American black comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American black comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American sketch comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American sketch comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American sketch comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American surreal comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American surreal comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American surreal comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Stop-motion adult animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American adult animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Parody TV shows]]
[[Category:Current shows]]
[[Category:Adult Swim shows]]
[[Category:TV shows about chickens]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about robots]]
[[Category:Robot Chicken]]</text>
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[[File:1Volskeoko.jpg|thumb|This is what happens to your brain on heroin. … Any questions?]] 
'''''[[w:Robot_Chicken|Robot Chicken]]''''' is a series on [[w:Adult_Swim|Adult Swim]] that uses [[w:stop motion|stop motion]] animation to make small sketches based on current events, or ad-libbed situations based on [[w:pop culture|pop culture]].

==Seasons==
::[[Robot Chicken (season 1)|Season 1]]
::[[Robot Chicken (season 2)|Season 2]]
::[[Robot Chicken (season 3)|Season 3]]
::[[Robot Chicken (season 4)|Season 4]]
::[[Robot Chicken (season 5)|Season 5]]
::[[Robot Chicken (season 6)|Season 6]]
::[[Robot Chicken (season 7)|Season 7]]

== Specials ==
* ''[[Robot Chicken: Star Wars]]''
* ''[[Robot Chicken: Star Wars Episode II]]''
* ''[[Robot Chicken: Star Wars Episode III]]''
* ''[[Born Again Virgin Christmas Special]]''

== Cast ==
* [[w:Seth Green|Seth Green]] - Various
* [[w:Dan Milano|Dan Milano]] - Various
* [[w:Breckin Meyer|Breckin Meyer]] - Various
* [[w:Chad Morgan|Chad Morgan]] - Various
* [[Seth MacFarlane]] - Various
* [[w:Mila Kunis|Mila Kunis]] - Various (recurring)
* [[w:Quinton Flynn|Quinton Flynn]] - Various (recurring)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|nm2437338|Robot Chicken}}
* {{TV.com|33630|Robot Chicken}}
* [http://www.robotchicken.org The ''Robot Chicken'' Wiki]

{{Adult Swim}}

[[Category:2000s American adult animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American adult animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American adult animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American black comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American black comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American black comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American sketch comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American sketch comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American sketch comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American surreal comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American surreal comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American surreal comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Stop-motion adult animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American adult animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Parody TV shows]]
[[Category:Current shows]]
[[Category:Adult Swim shows]]
[[Category:TV shows about chickens]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about robots]]
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[[File:1Volskeoko.jpg|thumb|This is what happens to your brain on heroin. … Any questions?]] 
'''''[[w:Robot_Chicken|Robot Chicken]]''''' is a series on [[w:Adult_Swim|Adult Swim]] that uses [[w:stop motion|stop motion]] animation to make small sketches based on current events, or ad-libbed situations based on [[w:pop culture|pop culture]].

==Seasons==
::[[Robot Chicken (season 1)|Season 1]]
::[[Robot Chicken (season 2)|Season 2]]
::[[Robot Chicken (season 3)|Season 3]]
::[[Robot Chicken (season 4)|Season 4]]
::[[Robot Chicken (season 5)|Season 5]]
::[[Robot Chicken (season 6)|Season 6]]

== Specials ==
* ''[[Robot Chicken: Star Wars]]''
* ''[[Robot Chicken: Star Wars Episode II]]''
* ''[[Robot Chicken: Star Wars Episode III]]''
* ''[[Born Again Virgin Christmas Special]]''

== Cast ==
* [[w:Seth Green|Seth Green]] - Various
* [[w:Dan Milano|Dan Milano]] - Various
* [[w:Breckin Meyer|Breckin Meyer]] - Various
* [[w:Chad Morgan|Chad Morgan]] - Various
* [[Seth MacFarlane]] - Various
* [[w:Mila Kunis|Mila Kunis]] - Various (recurring)
* [[w:Quinton Flynn|Quinton Flynn]] - Various (recurring)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|nm2437338|Robot Chicken}}
* {{TV.com|33630|Robot Chicken}}
* [http://www.robotchicken.org The ''Robot Chicken'' Wiki]

{{Adult Swim}}

[[Category:2000s American adult animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American adult animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American adult animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American black comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American black comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American black comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American sketch comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American sketch comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American sketch comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American surreal comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American surreal comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American surreal comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Stop-motion adult animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American adult animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Parody TV shows]]
[[Category:Current shows]]
[[Category:Adult Swim shows]]
[[Category:TV shows about chickens]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about robots]]
[[Category:Robot Chicken]]</text>
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[[File:1Volskeoko.jpg|thumb|This is what happens to your brain on heroin. … Any questions?]] 
'''''[[w:Robot_Chicken|Robot Chicken]]''''' is a series on [[w:Adult_Swim|Adult Swim]] that uses [[w:stop motion|stop motion]] animation to make small sketches based on current events, or ad-libbed situations based on [[w:pop culture|pop culture]].

==Seasons==
::[[Robot Chicken (season 1)|Season 1]]
::[[Robot Chicken (season 2)|Season 2]]
::[[Robot Chicken (season 3)|Season 3]]
::[[Robot Chicken (season 4)|Season 4]]
::[[Robot Chicken (season 5)|Season 5]]
::[[Robot Chicken (season 6)|Season 6]]
::[[Robot Chicken (season 7)|Season 7]]

== Specials ==
* ''[[Robot Chicken: Star Wars]]''
* ''[[Robot Chicken: Star Wars Episode II]]''
* ''[[Robot Chicken: Star Wars Episode III]]''
* ''[[Born Again Virgin Christmas Special]]''

== Cast ==
* [[w:Seth Green|Seth Green]] - Various
* [[w:Dan Milano|Dan Milano]] - Various
* [[w:Breckin Meyer|Breckin Meyer]] - Various
* [[w:Chad Morgan|Chad Morgan]] - Various
* [[Seth MacFarlane]] - Various
* [[w:Mila Kunis|Mila Kunis]] - Various (recurring)
* [[w:Quinton Flynn|Quinton Flynn]] - Various (recurring)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|nm2437338|Robot Chicken}}
* {{TV.com|33630|Robot Chicken}}
* [http://www.robotchicken.org The ''Robot Chicken'' Wiki]

{{Adult Swim}}

[[Category:2000s American adult animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American adult animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American adult animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American black comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American black comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American black comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American sketch comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American sketch comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American sketch comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American surreal comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American surreal comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American surreal comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Stop-motion adult animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American adult animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Parody TV shows]]
[[Category:Current shows]]
[[Category:Adult Swim shows]]
[[Category:TV shows about chickens]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about robots]]
[[Category:Robot Chicken]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Max Payne 2: The Fall of Max Payne</title>
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'''''[[w:Max Payne 2: The Fall of Max Payne|Max Payne 2: The Fall of Max Payne]]''''' is a computer game developed by Remedy Entertainment in 2003.

== Max Payne ==

* Life knows two miseries; getting what you don't want and not getting what you want.

* This hadn't been my first fall in the night, still just a prelude to the real deal, still a long way to the bottom.

* I lied to myself that it was over. I was still alive, my loved ones were still dead. It wasn't over.

* I didn't deserve to walk away. There are no happy endings.

* A bomb went off in my head. The bullet lodged in my brain moved a fatal, microscopic distance.

* Everything had started out as black and white. Somewhere down the road, the line went blurry. The colors started to run, got smudged and gray. Winterson had been above my suspicion. It felt like a goodbye.

* There was a blind spot in my head, a bullet-shaped hole where the answers should be. Call it denial. I wanted to dig inside my skull and scrape out the pain.

* Kissing her, I think of the cold laws of cause and effect.

* Mona's appearance had triggered a dislocation. Schizophrenia. I felt elation, but with it, fear that all the past evils had come along for the ride.

* Home, sweet home. Something in the night felt like a door had been opened, an echo of the past, an old monster snapping its eyes open in the depths of my brain. Closing your eyes forces you to look at the darkness inside.

* A funhouse is a linear sequence of scares. Take it or leave it is the only choice given. Makes you think about free will: have our choices been made for us because of who we are?

* Mona had come through here, the dead cleaners is a sign of her passage.

* ''[Narration, after having seen Mona Sax, whom he thought dead]'' If you think nothing can get to you, you're lying to yourself. At best you're temporarily dead. A lightning bolt could re-animate you without a warning.

* The past is a gaping hole. You try to run from it, but the more you run, the deeper, more terrible it grows behind you, its edges yawning at your heels. Your only chance is to turn around and face it. But it's like looking down into the grave of your love, or kissing the mouth of a gun, a bullet trembling in its dark nest, ready to blow your head off.

* Throw the rules out the window, odds are you'll go that way too.

* Like all the bad things in my life, it started with the death of a woman. I couldn't save her.

* The genius of the hole: no matter how long you spend climbing out, you can still fall back down in an instant.

* All this time we got the fable of Sleeping Beauty wrong. The prince didn't kiss her to wake her up. No one who slept for a hundred years is likely to wake up. It was the other way round. He kisses her to wake himself up from the nightmare that has brought him there.

* They were after me, it was my fault. You can't run from your past. You'll end up running in circles. Until you fall back down to the same hole you were trying to escape from, only the hole's grown deeper.

* Death is inevitable. Our fear of it makes us play safe, blocks out emotion. It's a losing game. Without passion you are already dead.

* There are no choices. Nothing but a straight line. The illusion comes afterwards, when you ask &quot;why me?&quot; and &quot;what if?&quot;. When you look back and see the branches, like a pruned bonsai tree, or forked lightning. If you had done something differently, it wouldn't be you, it would be someone else looking back, asking a different set of questions.

* The trouble with wanting something is the fear of losing it, or never getting it. The thought makes you weak.

* Now, like all my loves, she is mine forever. She has brought me here, to this moment of clarity, where time slows down, and I choose to look back, to see myself. And in that act of seeing, I am reborn.

* As surely as the bullet rips through the victim's flesh, organ and bone, it shatters the image of the man who pulls the trigger.

* The past is a puzzle, like a broken mirror. As you piece it together, you cut yourself, your image keeps shifting. And you change with it. It could destroy you, drive you mad. It could set you free.

* I didn't know what Mona wanted, if it was the same thing that I was after. To kill those who were trying to kill her. The bullet, real or imagined, lodged in her head routing her synapses. Driving her on.

* This is what I see when I look back. These moments, blinding as snow, they kill you, change you. You die and live again, remade.

* I had a bomb ticking in my head. No amount of painkillers would disable it.

* &quot;The things that I want&quot;, by Max Payne. A smoke. A whiskey. For the sun to shine. I want to sleep to forget. To change the past. My wife and baby girl back. Unlimited ammo and a license to kill. Right then, more than anything, I wanted her.

* There are things in life you cannot choose: how you feel.

* Like always, the dead had all the answers I was missing. It wasn't that they weren't eager to talk; quite the contrary, the dead had plenty to say and once they started, they would never shut up. Their words would keep you awake at night.

* When you're waking up, the world is a blur. What was clear in a dream, suddenly makes no sense. No surreal rescues. No easy, magic way out. But you are awake.

* With no way to deal with the past, I kept my eyes on the road, off the rear-view mirror and the road-kill behind me. I chased lesser mysteries, other people's crimes.

* [[Albert Einstein|Einstein]] was right, time is relative to the observer. When you're looking down the barrel of a gun, time slows down. Your whole life flashes by, heartbreak and scars. Stay with it, and you can live a lifetime in that split second.

* This is love. When someone drags you from the wreckage when you have given in, ready to just lie there and die. This is love. When someone, no matter what the cost, shows you there is hope, a choice, that you can put down your gun. This is love. Love hurts.

* When entertainment turns into a surreal reflection of your life, you're a lucky man if you can laugh at the joke. Luck and I weren't on speaking terms, or maybe the place was just too damn lame to be funny.

* Your past has a way of sneaking up on you. You'll hear broken echoes of it everywhere, like a bad replay. You'll get mad at everyone for reminding you about it, even if it's all in your head.

* You come to, amidst the wreckage of your own making. Do you stay there, eyes squeezed shut, afraid to move, hoping to bleed to death? Or do you crawl out, help your loved ones, make sure the fire doesn't spread, try to fix it?

* Firing a gun is a binary choice. Either you pull the trigger or you don't.

* The explosion in my apartment had started a fire. The flames couldn't burn away my past. They only made the shadows behind me leap higher.

* In a nightmare, every choice you make is a wrong one. I would wake up at night, afraid that day was a dream I'd forget.

* I am afraid. But I start again from the beginning, trace my own steps to the scene of the crime.

* The gilding on the mask had cracked to reveal the rot underneath.

* The world was getting too small for comfort.

* &quot;Cleaners&quot; was a misnomer. They were making a mess of it.

* I felt like I was walking into a trap. I felt guilty, like I was about to get caught.

* Fraternizing with the enemy. I had stepped over the edge. The cartoon moment when the gravity waits for the coyote to realize his mistake before the plunge.

* Mona was still the answer. I caught glimpses of her out of the corner of my eye, felt her presence everywhere I went. I was trying to trace her path, recreate the winding course of the magic bullet in her head. I couldn't find her.

* She was dead. The bullet in her head had come to the end of its slow-motion journey.

* I'd found the sniper's hideout. They'd been spying on me for days, weeks, months even. My every action, observed, recorded, analyzed. The place was the proof every paranoiac dreams of.

* I had tried to run from it, edit it out. Winterson was dead. I was a murderer.

* One thing left to do. I was compelled to give Vlad his gun back. One bullet at a time.

* Home is where your heart is &amp;hellip; ''[Cleaner in distance, speaking to other cleaner: &quot;Simple, not like in the movies where the hero has a chance to disarm the bomb.&quot;]'' Once, it would have been a house in the suburbs &amp;hellip; ''[Cleaner in distance, again speaking to other cleaner: &quot;He opens the door, and BOOM!&quot;]'' Now, nothing was left of it &amp;hellip; ''[The door is opened by a third cleaner and blows all three up, as well as the apartment]'' I wasn't happy with the way the cleaners were doing their job.

* Behind the door [7th floor of the apartment building] were the suites. They weren't an improvement on the regular apartments.

* Without Mona's help, I'd be a dead man. Suddenly, for the first time in I don't know how long, I realized, I didn't wish to be dead.

* ''[Over microphone]'' Vlad, shut up and stay alive, I'm coming.

* Mona, these guys are packing, close to overkill, hardcore professionals.

* I felt the rise of that old familiar feeling. I hated it. I welcomed it.

* ''[In a dream, in a cell labeled &quot;paranoid&quot;]'' Wait, just wait, I can figure this out, I can fix this. I can make it better! Just think. Think!

* It was all connected. The murder of Senator Gate, the Cleaners, the Inner Circle, Vinnie Gognitti. I had to make Winterson see it.

* Vinnie was about to piss his pants, he'd end up short circuiting the bomb and blowing us both up.

* Winterson would have found a way to do this nice, neat and clean. Logic told me backup should be on its way. Somebody must have heard the gunfire. Logic was such a liar.

* Mona's words on her being a &quot;sitting duck&quot; kept playing in my head. The bomb had misdirection written all over it.

* I couldn't crack her. I had to crack the case.

* Sometimes, something good comes out of it. Something you know you wouldn't deserve in a million years.

* You'd have to be a first-degree fool to fall for a woman who returns from the dead only to put a gun to your face.

* She was beautiful. I hated her for making me feel this way.

* Now that I was with her, I was reluctant to hear her answers.

* Your past is like pieces of a broken mirror. You try to pick them up, but you only end up cutting yourself.

* ''[Final quote]'' I had a dream of my wife. She was dead. But it was all right.

* It was almost morning, waking up from the American Dream. We are willing to suffer, to die for the things we care about. For love, for the right choices, Because of her, I had solved the case. My case. All of it. Who I am. Is it worth it? Saying that it never is would be a lie. Sometimes you get lucky. Sometimes, something good comes out of it. Something you know you wouldn't deserve in a million years. Something that gives you a reason to go on.
** Only said in the Dead on Arrival ending

== Mona Sax ==

* ''[To Max]'' What are you so afraid of? What do you want from me?

* ''[Trying to assist Max, to herself]'' Sometimes, Mona, you gotta go down to get up.

* You're a bastard, Max.

* ''[To Vlad, having shot him in the arm]'' See? You're nothing but a one-armed bandit.

* ''[Final quote]'' God, I turned out to be such a damsel in distress.
** She dies after saying this unless the game has been completed on ''Dead on Arrival'' difficulty.

== Vladimir Lem ==

* ''[Catchphrase]'' Have no fear, Vlad is here!

* ''[catchphrase]'' (Name of person(s) he is talking to), dearest of all my friends...!

* Max! 911! Bad guys with big guns!

* ''[Over microphone]'' Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present Max Payne. New York's Finest, with the biggest mobster bodycount ever. Dearest guests, prepare to die &amp;hellip; ''[Assorted gunfire]'' Max, I'd love to come and welcome you, but I'm busy dodging bullets and hiding under a desk at the moment.

* ''[Over microphone]'' Max? Damn it &amp;hellip; aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrgghhhhh!

* Hypothetically, if the only choice you've got is to do the wrong thing, then it's not really the ''wrong'' thing, it's more like fate.

* I hate to do this, but you know how you are, you would never let it go!

* It's better to reign in Hell than to serve in Heaven.
** Actual quote from ''Paradise Lost'' by John Milton

* No gun when you need one &amp;hellip;

* ''[About Mona]'' I know of her. Her reputation as a hired killer. I hear she is a stone fox. I would fuck her.

* ''[To Max]'' Besides, a gentleman always avenges the insults done to his lady. You did kill Winterson. ''[Shoots Max]''

* Of course, we agree to disagree.

* ''[Alfred Woden's message machine]'' I am coming to kill you, old man. You really know how to piss me off, you know? Would it have killed you to say &quot;thank you&quot; for once in your life, to say, &quot;Vlad, my son &amp;ndash; can I call you my son, because I sure do love you like one. &amp;ndash; Vlad, my son, you are a true prodigy, everything you touch turns to gold.&quot; Oh, wait, it is going to kill you. I'm done doing your dirty work for you. You should be proud. I have learned all you've taught me. I'm coming to show you.

* You have wrecked my restaurant twice now. You can be so damn uncompromising, fanatical about these things Max. One of these days, it's going to get you killed!

* What the fuck is wrong with you, Max?! Why don't you just die?! You hate life, you're miserable all the time, afraid to enjoy yourself even a little. Face it, you might as well be dead already. Do yourself a favor, give up!

* ''[Last words]'' Max &amp;hellip; dearest of all my friends &amp;hellip; I was supposed to be the hero &amp;hellip;

== Vinnie Gognitti ==

* ''[Regarding his collection of Captain Baseball Bat Boy merchandise]'' What? What, I'm a collector! Do you know how much this stuff is worth? I tell ya', fuckin' much! There's nothin' nerdy about it, I'm a collector! Lots of tough guys are into this stuff! Frankie was into this stuff, he was a fuckin' tough guy! Just you wait till I sell my collection online! We'll see who's the nerd when I'm a millionaire!

* Well, that was fun, in a fucking terrible, sick, not-at-all fun way!

* Aw, man! Why does this keep happenin' to me? Oh, it was sooo perfect [the Giant-headed Baseball-bat boy costume], now it's ruined! ''[Max comes through the doorway]'' Aw, no! No way!

* ''[Shooting his Ingram at Vlad]'' Die, Russian! Fuckin' die already!

* No no no no no PAYNE WHADDYA DOIN?!! WHADDYA DOIN?!!! Those are priceless collectors items! Payne, whaddaya doin'?! Aww shit! Ohh...

== Various ==

* '''The Pink Flamingo''': ''[on TV]'' .mirrors are more fun than television

* '''The Pink Flamingo''': ''[on TV]'' .she has dyed her hair red

* '''The Pink Flamingo''': ''[on TV]'' .the flesh of fallen angels

* '''John Mirra''': ''[on TV, address Unknown]'' When Mirra killed again, the map of the city changed. Like a shifting glacier, a new crack appeared with every gunshot. I had abandoned all conventional methods of navigation. I was following the bloody signs he kept leaving me. And he was watching me do it.

* '''John Mirra''': ''[on TV, address Unknown]'' Wherever I went, the pay phones started to ring. Finally, I collected enough courage to answer one.

* '''Dick Justice''': ''[on TV]'' The rain was comin' down like all the angels in heaven decided to take a piss at the same time. When you're in a situation like mine, you can only think in metaphors.

* '''Mafia Thug''': ''[fighting Cleaners]'' Motherfuckers! You think you can come in here, you think you can? Eh? Eh?! You think! You think wrong, motherfuckers! You think wrong!

* '''Jim Bravura''': They [the cleaners] hit your home? It's like a friggin' Kindergarten out there! What next? A kid with a bag full of guns and a head full of videogames turns the house into a shooting gallery. Breaks my heart.

* '''Jim Bravura''': ''[after being shot by a cleaner]'' Bullshit!

* '''Mike the Cowboy''': Of course he's not dead yet, the sheriff only dies in the end. Well, Payne, I'm here, in the boss' office. Come on. I'm waiting. Let's finish this. What's taking you so long, sheriff? Scared?

== Dialogue ==

: '''Mona Sax''': The Circle goes back to the centuries-old masonic cults, corruption and assassinations reaching all the way to presidential level.
: '''Max Payne''': Right. And here I was thinking conspiracy theories had gone out of style.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

: '''Mona Sax''': There's a contract out on us.
: '''Max Payne''': There is no &quot;us&quot; in this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

: '''Max Payne''': ''[seeing Mona after a long time]'' Mona?
: '''Mona Sax''': Max, we got to stop meeting like this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

: '''Max''': Mona Sax?
: '''Officer Petersburg''':  The last pokey down the corridor to your left. Mona Sax, huh? Lucky bastard, I wouldn't mind getting a statement from her. Yeah, she's a looker. She killed someone? Better be careful, Payne. Very ''[[w:Basic Instinct|Basic Instinct]]''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

: '''Mafia thug 1''': Oh yeah, like good ol' times. When we were still peddling V, when we had that Russian son of a bitch down for the count. When we were hunting that undercover fed, what's his name again? &quot;Hurt&quot;?
: '''Mafia thug 2''': &quot;Hurt&quot; my ass. &quot;Payne&quot; was his name, &quot;Payne&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

: '''Mafia thug 3''': It's raining cats and dogs here!
: '''Mafia thug 2''': &quot;[[Rain Dogs|For I'm a rain dog too]]&quot;.
: '''Mafia thug 3''': Stay sharp. It's gonna rain somethin' else too when the cleaners show up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

: '''Mafia thug 1''': We need to keep those Russians away from the boss.
: '''Mafia thug 2''': Yeah, keep them away from the &amp;hellip; the captain. Oh, I'm sorry, sorry, I know it’s nothing to laugh about, deadly serious.
: '''Mafia thug 3''': The Adventures of Captain Big Head Gognitti! ''[Vinnie is tricked by Vlad into putting on a Giant-headed Captain Baseball-bat Boy costume with a bomb in the head]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

: '''Cleaner 1''': He tells me that I'm new to this job, and that I'll be workin' with all of the colours except green.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

: ''[The final episode of ''Address Unknown'', the TV series]''
: '''John Mirra (Protagonist)''': ''[answers the phone and listens]''
: '''John Mirra (Antagonist)''': John Mirra?
: '''John Mirra (Protagonist)''': This is he.
: '''John Mirra (Antagonist)''': This is John Mirra. Welcome to the next level.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

: '''Vinnie Gognitti''': No! Payne! Not you! Why does this keep happening to me? Payne, you gotta help me! There's a freaking bomb in here. If I take the head off, it blows. Bye Bye Vinnie! You're a freaking cop! You gotta help me!
: '''Max Payne''': How did this happen?
: '''Vinnie Gognitti''': The Russian tricked me.
: '''Max Payne''': Join the club.
: '''Vinnie Gognitti''': I can help ya get him, I can, I swear, You get me out of this and I will help you get him.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia|Max Payne 2: The Fall of Max Payne}}
* {{imdb title|id=0366758|title=Max Payne 2: The Fall of Max Payne}}
* [http://www.rockstargames.com/maxpayne2/ Official ''Max Payne 2: The Fall of Max Payne'' website]

[[Category:Crime video games]]</text>
      <sha1>mmq2s0gx1qa1zb21s9sr0nl06g8qfme</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Cellular (film)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>30502</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147416</id>
      <parentid>3131086</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T13:28:46Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="7320" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Cellular (film)|Cellular]]''''' is a [[w:2004 in film|2004]] [[w:suspense thriller|suspense thriller]] about a high-school biology teacher who is taken from her home by five assailants to an unknown location and a young man who she calls as she puts together a broken telephone. The film follows him in his attempts to save her and her family, making sure that the connection is not broken.
:''Directed by [[w:David R. Ellis|David R. Ellis]].  Written by [[w:Larry Cohen|Larry Cohen]] and [[w:Chris Morgan|Chris Morgan]].''
&lt;center&gt;'''If the signal dies so does she.'''&lt;/center&gt;

== Ryan ==
* ''[after shooting the number taker in the store]'' Now who's gonna give me that goddamn charger?

* &quot;Ricky Martin&quot;? You named your kid &quot;Ricky Martin&quot;? 

* ''[after stealing the lawyer's car]'' Oh, I am in deep trouble!

* ''[after he views the tape]'' I'm a dead man. 

== Chad ==
* ''[greeting girls at the pier]'' Hey Chloe. Sam. Friend with nipples.

* ''[seeing Ryan with a box of fliers to pass out]'' Ha ha - that sucks. ''[Ryan shoves the box at him]'' No way! This sucks more!

== Mooney ==
* ''[As he shoots someone for the first time in his entire career]'' 27 years. 27 years without this shit! 

* ''[Talking to the fake Jessica Martin]'' We had a report of a possible kidnapping. You haven't been kidnapped today, have you? ''[Chuckles]''
* ''[to shocked bystanders after beating up Dimitri]'' It's alright I'm a cop!  That's a ''very'' bad man!

== WLSUU2 Lawyer ==
* ''[trying to get his car out of the impound lot]'' Okay, fine... I'm getting out my checkbook. Who do I make it out to? &quot;Lady Who Sucks?&quot;

* ''[Talking on his cell phone]'' I'm tellin' ya, I'm sitting in it right now. It's a brand new Porsche Carrera. The partners gave it to me. Mm-Hm, sugar. Brand new, arctic blue convertible. It goes zero to 60 in 5.2 seconds. Takes the girls' panties down in 3.5 seconds. ''[Phone line gets suddenly disrupted by Jessica and Ryan]'' Hey, this is a private call. Get off my line! Mom, are you still there? 

== Jessica Martin ==
* ''[after slashing a kidnapper's arm with a shard of glass]'' Tenth grade biology. [[w:brachial artery|Brachial artery]]... pumps 30 liters of blood a minute. There's only five in the human body. I'm sorry.
* '''YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG FAMILY!!!'''

== Dialogue ==
:'''Ricky Martin''': Mom, will you still be a science teacher when I get into high school? 
:'''Jessica Martin''': Hmm... You never know. Why? 
:'''Ricky Martin''': 'Cause I think it'd be kind of weird to have your mom as a teacher.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ryan''': It's Chloe! 
:'''Chad''': No, dude, don't do this! Don't do this! 
:'''Ryan''': I'm just gonna say &quot;hi.&quot; 
:'''Chad''': You're not gonna say &quot;hi.&quot; 
:'''Ryan''': No &quot;hi&quot;? 
:'''Chad''': No &quot;hi.&quot; 
:'''Ryan''': I can't say... 
:'''Chad''': ''[shouts]'' Come on, man! Hold it together! This girl, she ''dumped'' you, all right? Have some self-respect, have some dignity! 
:'''Ryan''': You're right. 
:'''Chad''': Be strong. 
:'''Ryan''': You're right. 
:'''Chad''': Yeah. 
:'''Ryan''': Thank you. 
:'''Chad''': All right. 
:''[he gets distracted by girls in bikinis]''
:'''Chad''': Oh! What's goin' on, ladies? 
:''[Ryan leaves to go talk to Chloe]''  

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[talking to Ryan on a payphone]''
:'''Chad''': Dude, I have no idea what just happened. One minute I'm talking to nipples, next thing you know, I'm wearing a whale costume handing out flyers. 
:'''Ryan''': ''[laughs]'' That sucks. Sounds like she got you. 
:'''Chad''': I mean, I'm not saying it doesn't have its benefits. 
:''[two girls that pass him by]''
:'''Chad''': Hey, you guys know that a blue whale's got an 11-foot penis? Heal the Bay. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jessica Martin''': When I didn't show up for work today someone called the police, I'm sure. 
:'''Greer''': You better hope they didn't. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:Ryan escaped a car crash.&lt;br /&gt;
:'''Jessica:''' Are you okay?&lt;br /&gt;
:'''Ryan:''' We're okay. We're alive. We're breathing.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''WLSUU2 Lawyer''': ''[after Ryan swerves his car in front of him]'' What the hell is your problem, man? What the hell is your problem? You want to tussle? 
:'''Ryan''': ''[pulls out his gun]'' Give me your phone! 
:'''WLSUU2 Lawyer''': Oh snaps. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ryan''': Look, give me your phone or I shoot your car. 
:'''WLSUU2 Lawyer''': Oh, hell no, hell no. Why would you want to do something awful like that? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Ryan accidentally dials an artist on a payphone at Santa Monica Pier trying to reach Jessica's kidnappers]''
:'''Ryan''': I got what you're looking for. 
:'''Vietnamese Artist''': Oh? 
:'''Ryan''': Yeah. 
:'''Vietnamese Artist''': Okay, and what I do for it? 
:'''Ryan''': What? 
:'''Vietnamese Artist''': What I do for what I looking for? You tell me now. 
:'''Ryan''': Wait, who's this? What number did I call? 
:'''Vietnamese Artist''': You call me on the payphone. You waste my time. I have pictures to draw. 
:'''Ryan''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, dude. Chill out. 
:'''Vietnamese Artist''': No, you don't tell me what to chill. My mother tell me to chill. I sit here, I draw people telling me to chill out all the time. You don't tell me what to chill. I chill you.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ethan''': [learning that Jessica had escaped after she killed Mad Dog] Get outside now!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ryan''': [Ryan and Ethan are discussing a place to meet] Santa Monica Pier. 
:'''Ethan''': No, too busy. 
:'''Ryan''': Yeah, that's kind of the idea, dickhead. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ryan''': It doesn't make any sense, I give you the video, then you turn around and take us out. 
:'''Greer''': I swore I wouldn't do that. 
:'''Ryan''': Just like you swore &quot;to protect and serve&quot;? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ethan''': ''[on walkie talkie]'' We found him yet? 
:'''Dmitri''': No, I don't see him. 
:'''Ethan''': He's the one on the cell phone, you idiot. 
:''[looks through his binoculars and sees various people on cell phones]'' 
:'''Dmitri''': Everybody's on a cell phone. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jack Tanner''': I think all the chemicals from that beauty salon have gotten to your head. 
:'''Mooney''': It's a '''day spa''', you Jack. 
:''[Mooney hesitates a bit, then shows Tanner Ryan's Cell Phone, front facing Tanner's face]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Greer has Ryan pinned down and is about to shoot him]''
:'''Mooney''': Let him up. 
:''[Greer looks up and sees Mooney pointing a gun at him]'' 
:'''Ryan''': Help me. They're dirty cops! 
:'''Greer''': He attacked my partner. He tried to kill me. 
:'''Mooney''': I said, &quot;Let him up.&quot; 
:'''Greer''': You're going to believe this lying piece of shot over a cop? 
:'''Mooney''': It doesn't matter what I believe. What's important is that you believe I will put a bullet in your skull if you don't let him up. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jessica Martin''': I don't know if there's anything I could ever do to thank you.
:'''Ryan''': I do. Don't ever call me again.

==External Links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0337921|title=Cellular}} 
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=cellular|title=Cellular}}
* [http://www.cellularthemovie.com Cellular official site]


[[Category:2004 films]]
[[Category:Suspense films]]
[[Category:Action thriller films]]
[[Category:Films about abduction]]
[[Category:German films]]
[[Category:Technology films]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Yacht rock</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>32818</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147979</id>
      <parentid>2969822</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T02:42:36Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>HamadaFanFFSM</username>
        <id>48309</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Gino Balzarelli */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="2854" xml:space="preserve">{{tv-cleanup|2008-06-02}}
'''[[w:Yacht rock|Yacht rock]]''' is a [[w:fiction|fiction]]alized online show developed for Channel 101 following the lives and careers of certain [[w:soft rock|soft rock]]ers in the late [[1970]]s and early [[1980]]s. 

==Michael McDonald==

* &quot;The smooth grooves of this song will make it to at least Number 2.&quot;

* &quot;You wanna come over? James Ingram and I are getting wasted and writing smooth music.&quot;

* &quot;What did you say? Yah mo' be there?&quot;

* &quot;Kenny snuck into the studio to record a song for Hollywood? Dear God, I hope it's smooth!&quot;

==Kenny Loggins==

* &quot;You're drowning in the past, Mike. But I've got your life vest right here: it's called the 80's, and it's gonna be around forever!&quot;

* &quot;Fuck you! You're not Koko.  Koko's dead as shit.&quot;
* &quot;When a friend is drowning in a sea of sadness, you don't just toss him a life vest, you swim one over to him.&quot;

==Hollywood Steve==

* &quot;Oh hi! I'm Hollywood Steve. You've caught me relaxing in my music nook.&quot;

* &quot;Oh hi! I'm Hollywood Steve. You've caught me basting some lamb shanks.&quot;

* &quot;Oh hi! I'm Hollywood Steve. You've caught me taking a shit.&quot;

* &quot;Oh hi! I'm Hollywood Steve. You've caught me attending the funeral of a loved one.&quot;

* &quot;Oh hi! I'm Hollywood Steve. You've caught me murdering a homeless woman.&quot;

* &quot;Oh hi! I'm Hollywood Steve. You've caught me making love.&quot;

* &quot;Oh hi! I'm Hollywood Steve. You've caught me becoming estranged from my spouse.&quot;

* &quot;Hi, I'm Hollywood Steve. I'm ready for you this time.&quot;

==Gino Balzarelli/Gene Balboa== 

* &quot;Yo, Mike, you wanna take it up the ass, or [[w: Taking It To The Streets|take it to the streets]]?!&quot;

==John Oates==

* &quot;Shut the fuck up! All of you, shut the fuck up! Hall and I will not stand idly by while you California vagina sailors stab the American airwaves in the balls with your shit... music.&quot;

* &quot;Gino will get you anything you need: fame, fortune... vagina.&quot;

* &quot;Get your dick out of your heart! Do you even know what the kids on the street are listening to? Disco, motherfucker!&quot;

==Walter Becker==

* &quot;Donald says, 'Koko's not truly dead until the smooth music is.'&quot;

==Donald Fagen==

* &lt;clears throat&gt; &quot;Eat bat, prick!&quot;

==Steve Porcaro==

* &quot;Alright Toto, I've done some research, and I've found out that the root chakra is my taint. That means she really wants to fuck me.&quot;
* &quot;Now, in the unlikely even that this plan should fail, I will turn to you, my brothers in Toto, to help me write a song so smooth and awesome that Rosanna Arquette will have no choice but to fuck my brains out.&quot;

==Dr. Dre==

* &quot;Come on Amnesia Jack, you're a Doobie Brother... Michael McDonald, one smooth motherfucker!&quot;

* &quot;That's gonna be some good-ass banana bread.&quot;

==External Links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{unreferenced|article about a serial production}}

[[Category:Internet shows]]
[[Category:Mockumentary TV shows]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Little Orphan Annie</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>32959</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147876</id>
      <parentid>2655170</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T23:15:51Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Kaltenmeyer</username>
        <id>359014</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Undo revision 2655170 by [[Special:Contributions/107.242.117.61|107.242.117.61]] ([[User talk:107.242.117.61|talk]])</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="2665" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Little Orphan Annie|Little Orphan Annie]]''''' is a comic strip by [[w:Harold Gray|Harold Gray]] that ran from 1924 to 1968.

== 1948 == 

:'''Annie''': But he &lt;u&gt;hates&lt;/u&gt; &lt;u&gt;you&lt;/u&gt;...don't &lt;u&gt;you&lt;/u&gt; hate &lt;u&gt;him&lt;/u&gt;?
:'''Daddy Warbucks''': &lt;u&gt;Hate&lt;/u&gt;? Oh, no, Annie...it's not that I'm a Pollyanna, or so &lt;u&gt;good&lt;/u&gt; I &lt;u&gt;can't&lt;/u&gt; hate...But I guess I'm just too busy to have time for hate...Anyway, I've noticed that people who spend a lot of time &lt;u&gt;hating&lt;/u&gt; seldom amount to much...I'm always aimed to amount to something...
:: March 20th, 1948

:'''Daddy Warbucks''': Money? It's the easiest thing in the world to get if you're sure that's what you really want...I'm &lt;u&gt;sure&lt;/u&gt;! For only &lt;u&gt;with&lt;/u&gt; money can we get the &lt;u&gt;real&lt;/u&gt; things that count...So what's wrong with making money? Happy, prosperous people never &lt;u&gt;start&lt;/u&gt; wars...but they &lt;u&gt;win&lt;/u&gt; them...
::March 21st, 1948

:'''Punjab''': But Sahib! Give Axel a &lt;u&gt;trial&lt;/u&gt;! You can &lt;u&gt;prove&lt;/u&gt; he is an evil man...
:'''Daddy Warbucks''': Oh, sure...set ourselves up as judges of what is sin and what is virtue...
:'''Punjab''': But what is right is &lt;u&gt;right&lt;/u&gt;, Sahib...
:'''Daddy Warbucks''': That's the way Atilla the Hun figured...&lt;u&gt;He&lt;/u&gt; was right...All his enemies wrong...So he murdered millions...In the name of &lt;u&gt;justice&lt;/u&gt;, of course...
::March 24th, 1948

:'''Daddy Warbucks''': Well Axel...do you still refuse to play ball with me, to help &lt;u&gt;your&lt;/u&gt; people to the same living level that &lt;u&gt;my&lt;/u&gt; people enjoy...
:'''Axel''': Bah! Who cares for the &quot;great gray mass&quot; of the stupid pee-pul?
:'''Daddy Warbucks''': Eh? But don't you preach the great equality?
:'''Axel''': Preach it? Of course! But &lt;u&gt;live&lt;/u&gt; it? Do you think me a fool? If so, &lt;u&gt;you&lt;/u&gt; are the great fool, Warbucks! Ha! You are the &lt;u&gt;&lt;b&gt;April&lt;/b&gt;&lt;/u&gt; &lt;u&gt;Fool&lt;/u&gt;!
:'''Daddy Warbucks''': I am? Well, well, well....If I am, &lt;u&gt;I'm&lt;/u&gt; doing OK....How are &lt;u&gt;you&lt;/u&gt; doing, Axel?
::April 1st, 1948

:'''Annie''': &quot;Armistice Day&quot;...Gee...The end of &quot;The war to end all wars&quot;...Way back in 1918...What a gag...But not th' kind o' gag yuh feel like laughin' about...I hear they used to celebrate &quot;Armistice Day&quot;...Big parades! Well, we had lots &lt;u&gt;bigger&lt;/u&gt; parades later on...&lt;u&gt;Millions&lt;/u&gt; and &lt;u&gt;millions&lt;/u&gt; o' men...Marchin' &lt;u&gt;to&lt;/u&gt; war...A &lt;u&gt;bigger&lt;/u&gt; war...Maybe &lt;u&gt;some&lt;/u&gt; day the world will have peace that'll last...Maybe some day people will quit tryin' to beat &lt;u&gt;their&lt;/u&gt; ideas into &lt;u&gt;other&lt;/u&gt; people's heads...&lt;u&gt;&lt;b&gt;Maybe&lt;/b&gt;&lt;/u&gt;...&lt;u&gt;That'd&lt;/u&gt; be a nice switch...
::November 11th, 1948

==External links==
*{{Wikipedia-inline}}
[[Category:Comic strips]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Stargate SG-1/Season 9</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>33242</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147884</id>
      <parentid>2578684</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T23:19:38Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Kaltenmeyer</username>
        <id>359014</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>typo</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="50491" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Season''' [[Stargate SG-1/Season 1|1]] [[Stargate SG-1/Season 2|2]] [[Stargate SG-1/Season 3|3]] [[Stargate SG-1/Season 4|4]] [[Stargate SG-1/Season 5|5]] [[Stargate SG-1/Season 6|6]] [[Stargate SG-1/Season 7|7]] [[Stargate SG-1/Season 8|8]] [[Stargate SG-1/Season 9|9]] [[Stargate SG-1/Season 10|10]] | ''[[Stargate: The Ark of Truth]]'' | ''[[Stargate: Continuum]]'' | [[Stargate SG-1|'''Main''']]
----

'''''[[w:Stargate SG-1|Stargate SG-1]]''''' (1997–2007) is an American television series about a secret military team, SG-1, that is formed to explore other planets through the recently discovered Stargates. The show, created by [[w:Brad Wright|Brad Wright]] and [[w:Jonathan Glassner|Jonathan Glassner]], is based on the 1994 science fiction film ''[[Stargate (film)|Stargate]]'' by [[w:Dean Devlin|Dean Devlin]] and [[w:Roland Emmerich|Roland Emmerich]].

===''[[w:Avalon (Stargate SG-1)|Avalon Part 1]]'' [9.1]===

:'''Dave''': Eighty-seven mission hours to thirty-two alien planets. Front-line ground combat on four different occasions.
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': I was hoping you could tell me something about yourself... something personal.
:'''Dave''': People call me &quot;Dave.&quot;
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': It says here that's your name.
:'''Dave''': Yes.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': ''[to Daniel]'' Look, the tablet is written in Ancient code, right? I know it's not the lost city of Atlantis we're looking for here, but whatever it is could be worth finding. Or you're just going to have to marry that chick.
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': Yeah! Let's make babies! ''[She grins widely at Daniel]''

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': Try playing hard to get.
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': Man, look who's talking.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': ''[to Vala]'' Ladies first.
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': ''[to Daniel]'' Well then, after you.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:''[SG-1 rings into the empty caves]''
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': Wicked!...and empty.
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': I haven't been this disappointed since Daniel and I had sex.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': You should give me a weapon.
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': Nope.
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': There could be some sort of icky creature down here left behind to protect the treasure.
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': For hundreds of years?
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': Some sort of stasis or hibernation. What if it senses our presence and awakens hungry for human flesh?
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': That doesn't quite sound like the Ancients' style.
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': Still...
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': I'm sure if there is a monster down here, it's going to be much more scared of you than you are of it.  Especially once it gets to know you.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:''[a hologram of Merlin appears]''
:'''[[wikipedia:Moros (Stargate)|Merlin]]''': Welcome, ye knights of the round table, men of honor, followers of the path of righteousness. Only those with wealth of knowledge and truth of spirit shall be given access to the underworld, the storehouse of riches of Ambrosius Aurelianus. Prove ye worthy, and all shall be revealed.
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': That's incredible. Certain scholars have speculated that Ambrosius and Arthur were one and the same, but that would have made him 74 years old at the Battle of Mount Badon. It's actually quite fascinating. See, Ambrosius was the son of the Emperor Constantine&amp;mdash;
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': ''[dismissive]'' Yes, yes, yes. &quot;Fascinating&quot; is the one thing it's not. How do we &quot;prove ye worthy&quot; and get &quot;all to be revealed&quot;?
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': I have no idea, but something tells me truth of spirit may be a bit of a problem for you.
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': ''[defensively]'' You know nothing about me!
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': Because everything that comes out of your mouth is a lie.
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': Don't make me separate you two.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': If you immediately know the candlelight is fire…
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': Huh?
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': Nothing.
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': Hmmm…

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': This pot says 'The universe is infinite.'
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': That seems infinitely useless; what does this one say?
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': 'The treasure is in this pot.'
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': Really? I was hoping for something a little more substantial, but okay.
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': Wait, wait, wait!
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': Too obvious?

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, man!  Bullets ''bounce''!

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''[[w:Hank Landry (Stargate)|General Landry]]''': A general is only as good as the people he commands.
:'''[[w:Jack O'Neill|General O'Neill]]''': Who said that?
:'''[[w:Hank Landry (Stargate)|General Landry]]''': I just did.
:''[O'Neill looks at Landry doubtfully]''
:'''[[w:Hank Landry (Stargate)|General Landry]]''': I mean, Douglas MacArthur may have said something similar.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': Well. Don't you all have me surrounded.
:'''[[w:Hank Landry (Stargate)|General Landry]]''': Welcome to the SGC. I'm General Landry.
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': Vala. Vala Mal Doran. Thank you so much for the lovely greeting party. We all had a wonderful time searching each other, didn't we, boys?

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': You ever heard of the Go'auld Nut?
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': As in... cashew? Pea-...? [off Vala's look] Oh, you mean the Egyptian sky goddess.
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': Yes.
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': No, never heard of her.
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': These were her ceremonial marriage bracelets. She would affix them to herself and her husband of the moment.
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': &quot;Of the moment&quot;.
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': Yes, she had many. One of the few admirable traits about her.

===''[[w:Avalon (Stargate SG-1)|Avalon Part 2]]'' [9.2]===
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': Room full of gold and jewels, and Dr. Daniel Jackson finds the one book.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': ''[to Landry]'' I mean, isn't that why we're doing this, all of this? The Stargate program, the budget? Isn't it so we can go out and meet new races? Gather advanced technology? Possibly learn about ourselves in the process?
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': Oh, come on. You do it to meet women.
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': ''[also to Landry]'' She has a point, sir.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': So any one of us can take the pony ride?
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': Yeah, and I figured that was going to be me. I mean, I did miss the ''Daedalus'' for this, so...
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': You're going to dine out on that for a while?
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': Yeah, yeah, like you wouldn't believe.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[regarding the book]''
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': It says here the Alterans named their new home Avalon and built many Astria Porta.
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': Stargates?
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': Yes.
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': I thought the Ancients built the Stargates.
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': Well, it stands to reason that they didn't always call themselves the Ancients.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[The villagers are about to burn Vala to death]''
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': What the hell did you say?!
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': I think at first it's what I didn't say. You see, apparently there's a blessing you're supposed to recite over the leaves before you drink, which nobody warned me about. Then I think it's what I did say. I was trying to politely explain what was going on and then ''his'' wife started screaming and accusing me of being overcome. At which point I believe I suggested she might want to think about procreation... with herself.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Vala has just been revived after being burned to death, and is crying in Daniel's arms]''
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': I've got tingles all over.  And don't flatter yourself, I'm pretty sure it's not you.

===''[[w:Origin (Stargate SG-1)|Origin]]'' [9.3]===
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': If the Ori are so powerful, why do they need people to spy for them?
:'''Prior''': The Ori need nothing from us.
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson|Dr. Jackson]]''': ''[quoting]'' &quot;It is we who must seek the truth of the universe in order to achieve enlightenment.&quot;
:''[Vala gives Daniel a funny look]''
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': ''[shrugs]'' Been down this road before.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': I'm sorry to interrupt, but um…if you brought us here to try and convert us, it is fair to tell you that we are really not in the market for new gods.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[The Ori have possessed the Doci to communicate with Daniel]''
:'''Ori-possessed Doci''': We are Ori.
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': ''[visibly horrified]'' And you instruct these people to worship you?
:'''Ori-possessed Doci''': We are their creators. All who follow the path will join us in enlightenment.
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': Do you know who the Alterans are?
:'''Ori-possessed Doci''': Those who abandoned the path are evil!
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': Evil? Why? 
:'''Ori-possessed Doci''': They shielded you.
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': Really. I didn't really think they did much of anything for us, but I guess I was wrong.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Prior''': Origin will guide you on this path, and those who revere its wisdom shall be uplifted. I have come to spread the word to the unbelievers who have been... sheltered, and raised by evil.
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': ''[whispering to General Landry]'' You have no idea how much he sounds like my grandma.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': &quot;And a man has no greater thing under the sun than to eat, drink and be merry.&quot; [[w:Ecclesiastes|Ecclesiastes]], my favorite. ''[Pause to show the Prior sizing up Mitchell.]'' My grandma was a bit of a Bible-thumper. Weekends at grandma's meant long, ''long'' Sundays at St. Hilda's Church of the Grand Epiphany. Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell. How ya doin?
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Prior''': And the people shall deliver the wicked, unto your divine judgment, where their sins shall be weighed in balance, with all that is just, and true.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': If you help us out here, I'll guarantee we'll be more receptive to those stories you want to tell. Call it a miracle if you want.
:'''Prior''': When Hannor Mir fell from the sky and learned to fly on the way down... that was a real miracle.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Doci''': Great holy armies shall be gathered and trained to fight all who embrace evil. In the name of the gods, ships shall be built to carry our warriors out amongst the stars, and we will spread Origin to all the unbelievers. The power of the Ori will be felt far and wide, and the wicked shall be vanquished.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Jack O'Neill|General O'Neill]]''': Sorry you missed the ''Daedalus''.
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': No, you're not.
:'''[[w:Jack O'Neill|General O'Neill]]''': You're right, I'm not.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Jack O'Neill|General O'Neill]]''': Now, see, that's one of the great things about being a general. You pretty much get to do whatever you want.
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': I suppose after you've saved the world seven or eight times…
:'''[[w:Jack O'Neill|General O'Neill]]''': ''[amused]'' Who's counting, huh?
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': Teal'c.

===''[[w:The Ties That Bind (Stargate SG-1)|The Ties That Bind]]'' [9.4]===
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': Came to see me off? That's sweet.
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': Well, we've been through a lot together. I just wanted to come here myself and make sure you were… thoroughly searched.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': He's the guy you stole the bracelets from, right?
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': How dare you assume that I acquired those bracelets through anything but honest means! I may have a less than perfect reputation&amp;mdash;
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': You told me you stole them!
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': I did?
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': Yes!
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Vala is nearly in tears after Daniel claims she uses sex as a weapon.  He starts to apologize when he suddenly comes to a realization.]''
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': Are you messing with me?
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': Is it working?
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Arlos''': I'm not after revenge. The truth is, the bracelets weren't the only thing she took from me. She also stole… my heart.
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': Excuse me?
:'''Arlos''': I remember it as if it were yesterday. Some nights, we would steal away from the city, strip off our clothing, and bathe in the springs of Aragaten. We would chase one another across the mossy hills and then lie naked under Adora's moons and Vala would sometimes&amp;mdash;
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': Okay, that's great, thanks. We got the picture. ''[to himself]'' A very vivid, very disturbing picture.
:'''Arlos''': Yes. Those were wonderful, carnal times.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Hank Landry (Stargate)|General Landry]]''': ''[about Vala]'' She accused the Chairman of the Senate Appropriations Committee of having a, uh, let's just call it an &quot;insufficient manhood.&quot; She's gotta go.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Hank Landry (Stargate)|General Landry]]''': ''[to Walter]'' Don't make me promote you.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Inago''': Vala! You cowardly, backstabbing sorry excuse for a woman. How've you been?
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': Inago. You filthy, double talking slug. Nice to see you too.
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': Obviously they used to date.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': We could be partners, and split everything down the middle, sixty-forty.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Vala is found by Dr. Jackson in his bed claiming to have gone into the wrong room]''
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': Anyhow, since I'm here shall we make the best of it?
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': No we shalln't.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': I can do it. Just uh, do me a favor. I need some help.
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': Okay, what?
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': Go to the panel by the rear exit.
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': Okay, now what?
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': Stay there, shut up, and let me finish.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Teal'c|Teal'c]]''': Colonel Mitchell. At times you remind me of [[w:Jack O'Neill|O'Neill]].
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': Ah, well, I'll take that as a compliment.
:'''[[w:Teal'c|Teal'c]]''': As you wish.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

===''[[w:The Powers That Bind (Stargate SG-1)|The Powers That Be]]'' [9.5]===
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': Look, I never killed anyone, I never tortured them, I was a wonderful god. Just ask them!
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': I think we will.
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': Why? You don't believe me?
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': That, and I'm not totally convinced they are ultimately going to follow your command, nor should that be the only reason they don't follow the Priors.
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': I am still supposed to be their god, I can't very well go out there and ask them if they are going to listen to me.
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': I wasn't expecting you to.
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': What makes you think they're going to tell you the truth; you're supposed to be my faithful servant.
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': Then I'll sort of explain that we're not as faithful as you might like to believe, and if necessary I'll also tell them we're plotting to kill you.
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': I have heard better plans!
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': I kinda like it.
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': Shut up!
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''After Mitchell has persuaded the villagers to put Vala on trial.''
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': Thank you! I apologize for ever questioning your masterful skills at negotiation!
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': He's doing the best he can.
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': That's what terrifies me!
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': Okay. We have a very limited window of opportunity here. If you expose yourself as a false god, if you tell these people how you fooled them and why, we might be able to make them skeptical about the Prior.
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': Or, it could push them towards believing in the Ori as true gods even more.
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': No, the only chance these people have, the only chance any of us have against the Priors is to show them that we will not accept the Ori as gods. No matter what happens, we must reject them. True enlightenment must begin with the truth.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': Maybe hoarding knowledge is wrong….or maybe it's not. Maybe, learning something for yourself is part of the journey to enlightenment. But killing someone for not worshiping you, regardless of your power, IS wrong. Very wrong. Knowledge is power, but how you use that power defines whether you are good, or evil.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Prior''': From the smallest seed of doubt springs forth a mighty poisonous tree of evil.

===''[[w:Beachhead (Stargate SG-1)|Beachhead]]'' [9.6]===
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': Most of the System Lords were killed by the Replicators. Then, we defeated the Replicators.
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': Wow, we look ''cool''.
:'''[[w:Hank Landry (Stargate)|General Landry]]''': Don't let it go to your head.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': Lieutenant Colonel Cameron Mitchell, leader of SG-1.
:'''[[w:Nerus (Stargate)|Nerus]]''': You are not...
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': No.
:'''[[w:Nerus (Stargate)|Nerus]]''': Will [[w:Jack O'Neill|he]] be here?
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Samantha Carter|Lt. Colonel Carter]]''': Now, considering their unique ability to maintain an active Stargate indefinitely and their force field capabilities, the President has authorized any and all means to complete the mission.
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': Oh, boy. And here I was trying to have a nuke free career.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Mitchell, Carter, Daniel, and Teal'c set off on their first mission together, with Vala]''
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': How good is this? Got the band back together!
:'''[[w:Samantha Carter|Lt. Colonel Carter]]''': ''[looking at Vala]'' Yeah, so what's with the extra back-up singer?
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': Oh, she's good fun.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': ''[pulling Vala's scarf off her neck]'' Vala, this is a military vessel.
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': I know, darling. I've stolen it before.
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': Well, just try to be, uh…
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': My charming self?
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': Just a little less talk; a little more shut the hell up.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': The next idea we come up with has to be outside the box.
:'''[[w:Samantha Carter|Lt. Colonel Carter]]''': Okay, the gate is composed of individual units. The&amp;mdash;There must be some sort of energy linkage between them, like a&amp;mdash;like a chain.
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': Exactly, so we&amp;mdash;
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': So we need a big ol' set of bolt cutters.
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': Oooh. Too far outside the box. Get closer to the box.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Goa'uld Nerus''': I have helped the Ori, and when you kill me, I shall ascend.
:'''[[w:Hank Landry (Stargate)|General Landry]]''': No, you will ''descend'' to a small, dark room at the bottom of Area 51, and you stay there until you come up with a way to defeat the Ori.
:'''[[w:Nerus (Stargate)|Nerus]]''': What could ''possibly'' compel me to do that?
:'''[[w:Hank Landry (Stargate)|General Landry]]''' (''Smiling in satisfaction''):Hunger.
:(''Nerus gives an appalled look in fright of not eating'')

===''[[w:Ex Deus Machina (Stargate SG-1)|Ex Deus Machina]]'' [9.7]===
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': Witnesses?
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': One.  Some guy who was working overtime, spent most of the firefight under his desk, but was able to provide the descriptions of three individuals: big, tattooed, chain mail pants.
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': So it's either our Jaffa, or [[w:KISS (band)|KISS]] is back on tour.

===''[[w:Babylon (Stargate SG-1)|Babylon]]'' [9.8]===
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': ''[imitating Teal'c]'' &quot;The Warriors of the Sodan exist, Colonel Mitchell. I am certain of it.&quot;
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': Needs more bass.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Walter Harriman (Stargate)|Sgt. Harriman]]''': Receiving an IDC, sir. It's Colonel Mitchell.
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': You're kidding.
:'''[[w:Walter Harriman (Stargate)|Sgt. Harriman]]''': I would never do that, sir.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Volnek''': Oh, we have unfinished business.
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': Hey, take it easy.
:'''Volnek''': You ''shot'' me!
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': ''You'' shot me ''first''!
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jolam''': You are not tired?
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Mitchell]]''': Six weeks' airborne training at Fort Benning-- that's tired. This is nothing. Come on.

===''[[w:Prototype (Stargate SG-1)|Prototype]]'' [9.9]===
:''[Carter realizes why the Stargate is malfunctioning]''
:'''[[w:Samantha Carter|Lt. Colonel Carter]]''': Huh. Maybe it wasn't our fault. 
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': I thought it was always our fault.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[SG-1 is exploring an abandoned Goa'uld lab]''
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': ''[approaching weird technology]'' There ''is'' someone home.
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': Wa-wait!
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': ''[touches button]'' What? I was looking for the light switch.
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': ''[shining his flashlight at Mitchell]'' New guy!
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': ''[indicating a computer]'' Hey, you touched that!
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': Ah, I know how to ''read'' that!
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Regarding Khalek]''
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': I shot him twice point blank.
:'''[[w:Carolyn Lam|Dr. Lam]]''': And he's healing. Remarkably fast.
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': I should have emptied the clip.

===''[[w:The Fourth Horseman (Stargate SG-1)|The Fourth Horseman, Part 1]]'' [9.10]===
:'''[[w:Hank Landry (Stargate)|General Landry]]''': Colonel Carter, I've read your proposal.
:'''[[w:Samantha Carter|Lt. Colonel Carter]]''': And?
:'''[[w:Hank Landry (Stargate)|General Landry]]''': And I'm not exactly sure what an aneurysm feels like, but I suspect I'm pretty close.
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': I'm glad I'm not the only one.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''[[w:Bill Lee (Stargate)|Dr. Lee]]''': Why didn't you just tell him we'd come up with a viable method for cold fusion while you were at it?!

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''[[w:Bill Lee (Stargate)|Dr. Lee]]''': I admit it's a pretty sound theory. Pardon the pun. ''[chuckles]'' Ultra-sonic waves. ''[laughs]'' Uhh, that's good. Anyway...

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''[[w:Bill Lee (Stargate)|Dr. Lee]]''': Well, trying to achieve something as specific as isolating one small part of the brain is like...it's like... trying to...do something...that's impossible.
:'''[[w:Samantha Carter|Lt. Colonel Carter]]''': Good analogy.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''[[w:Hank Landry (Stargate)|General Landry]]''': According to the mission report on your first encounter with Orlin, you two had an... &quot;intimate&quot; relationship?
:'''[[w:Samantha Carter|Lt. Colonel Carter]]''': Uh, well, we did. But, uh, he didn't look like that. He was…
:'''[[w:Carolyn Lam|Dr. Lam]]''': Taller?
:'''[[w:Samantha Carter|Lt. Colonel Carter]]''': He was a grown man.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:''[regarding the Anti-Prior device]''
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': So how does it work, assuming it actually does work?
:'''[[w:Bill Lee (Stargate)|Dr. Lee]]''': You know, I keep telling myself that one of these days I'm going to do something that gets me a little respect.
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': We're all waiting for that day, Bill.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': Well while we're at it, why don't we just assume I can fly?
:'''[[w:Bill Lee (Stargate)|Dr. Lee]]''': Oh, actually, I have been working on a theory...

===''[[w:The Fourth Horseman (Stargate SG-1)|The Fourth Horseman, Part 2]]'' [9.11]===
:'''Prior''': It makes no difference what you do to me. But know this: The Ori are all-seeing! They are already aware of this... affront to their eminence and shall strike down those who defy them.
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': ''[shrugs]'' Nothing yet, you?
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': Drawing a blank. ''[pause]'' A little thirsty.
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': That doesn't count.
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': No, it doesn't.
:'''Prior''': Their movements are not so easily divined. Their ways are unseen and veiled in mystery.
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': Right, right, [[w:Battlestar_Galactica_%282004_TV_series%29#Opening_text|they have a &quot;''plan''&quot;]]. ''(Mitchell makes the [[w:Air quotes|&quot;air quotes&quot;]] sign.)'' Don't suppose you want to tell us what that plan is? For example, why did they send you to this galaxy in the first place?
:'''Prior''': We are beacons on the road to enlightenment.
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': No, you are dark-side intergalactic encyclopedia salesmen, but unfortunately, the home office hasn't been quite upfront with you.
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': Nice work on the metaphor.
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': Thank You.
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': For starters: Did you know, the Ori need people to worship them to gain their power?
:''[Prior looks surprised for a moment, but then collects himself]''
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': He didn't know...
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': No, he didn't know that. ''[to Prior]'' No, it's true.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:''[Lt. Colonel Mitchell has just completed a lengthy dissertation on how to make an avocado omelette as General Landry arrives]''
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': General, we were just exchanging recipes.
:'''[[w:Hank Landry (Stargate)|General Landry]]''': Has the prisoner offered anything?
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': No sir, the man doesn't even have a decent pie crust.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''[[w:Hank Landry (Stargate)|General Landry]]''': I'm telling you, I'm fine! ''[to his daughter]'' Carolyn, can you tell those people I'm fine?
:'''[[w:Carolyn Lam|Dr. Lam]]''': You're not fine.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Jolan''': How will we know when the device is working?
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': Well, we'll know when he's no longer able to use his powers.
:'''Haikon''': How will we know the Prior is no longer able to use his powers?
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': Well, ''someone'' is just gonna have to test it and find out.
:''[Jackson and the Sodan Jaffa look as though they're preparing themselves for bad news]''
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': No worries, fellas, that someone is me.
:''[Jackson looks pleased, nods vigorously, points to Mitchell]''

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:''[Gerak enters the quarantine room]''
:'''[[w:Carolyn Lam|Dr. Lam]]''': What's going on?
:'''[[w:Teal'c|Teal'c]]''': Gerak has arrived to assist us.
:''[Gerak pauses]'' 
:'''[[w:Teal'c|Teal'c]]''': Why do you hesitate, Gerak?
:'''[[w:Gerak|Gerak]]''': If I help you, I will die. But I will die free!
:''[Gerak slams the end of his staff to the floor; it begins to glow, the light eventually infusing the entire base.  Gerak bursts into flames and disappears.]''

===''[[w:Ripple Effect (Stargate SG-1)|Ripple Effect]]'' [9.13]===
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson|Dr. Jackson]]''': Okay, say for example we accept the possibility that this is an alternate SG-1 from a… parallel universe.  How did they get here?
:'''[[w:Samantha Carter|Lt. Colonel Carter]]''': I got nothing.
:''[Everyone looks at Carter in surprise]''
:'''[[w:Samantha Carter|Lt. Colonel Carter]]''': ...yet.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Mitchell walks into the room where Alternate Daniel is being held, and hands him a cup of coffee]''
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': Sumatra Mandheling. Two creams, one sugar.
:''[Alternate Daniel raises his eyebrows]''
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': Lucky guess.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Samantha Carter|Lt. Colonel Carter]]''': As we discussed the situation, we realized we could pinpoint the source of the phenomenon to a precise window, specifically, the interim journey between the two gates.
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': Did she just say &quot;we?&quot;
:'''[[w:Samantha Carter|Lt. Colonel Carter]]''': Pardon me?
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': She said &quot;we.&quot; You said &quot;we?&quot;
:'''[[w:Samantha Carter|Lt. Colonel Carter]]''': Ah. Uh, me and...myself, I suppose. The other Samantha Carter.
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': Right. Finally someone who can keep up with you, huh?
:'''[[w:Samantha Carter|Lt. Colonel Carter]]''': ''[Happily]'' Yup.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Landry walks into a room full of alternate-reality Carters]''
:'''[[w:Hank Landry (Stargate)|General Landry]]''': Carter!
:''[All the Carters turn around]''
:'''[[w:Hank Landry (Stargate)|General Landry]]''': ''My'' Carter.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': You know, I read all the mission reports on the Asgard. They're not what I expected.
:'''[[w:Samantha Carter|Lt. Colonel Carter]]''': What were you expecting?
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': Well, pants, for one.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Alternate Mitchell]]''': So if this plan goes [[w:FUBAR|FUBAR]], we're the only ones to go down with the ship?
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': Well, there's plenty more where we came from, right?
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Asgard_characters_in_Stargate#Kvasir|Kvasir]]''': ''[nobly]'' The perilous nature of this mission should not be taken lightly. There is a chance the ''Prometheus'' may not survive this voyage. But courage and a steadfast resolve will prove the most valuable assets in this undertaking. ''[pauses, goes on casually]'' Well, good luck to you all. ''[beams out]'' 
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': I miss Thor.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Landry walking with the SG-1 team issues an order to Mitchell]''
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': What if there are more teams coming in hot?
:'''[[w:Hank Landry (Stargate)|General Landry]]''': I'm willing to make the occasional exception, but I am not about to turn this base into the [[w:Grand Central Terminal|Grand Central Station]] of the Multiverse.

===''[[w:Stronghold (Stargate SG-1)|Stronghold]]'' [9.14]===
:'''[[w:Ba'al (Stargate)|Ba'al]]''': I admit we've certainly had our differences in the past, but you need to hear what I have to say.
:'''[[w:Teal'c|Teal'c]]''': I will not hear the words of a false god!
:'''[[w:Ba'al (Stargate)|Ba'al]]''': (normal voice) The whole ''god'' issue. Maybe we did take it a little too far, but can you blame us? We have you strength, vitality, long life... I know you don't quite see it that way, but no matter. It's all in the past now. (pauses) Come now, Teal'c. We're smart enough to know we're not ''actually'' gods, well, some of us are. Anyway, there are always those who begin to believe their own propaganda. I suppose all you need is enough people to worship you and then what's the difference? You're pretty much a god by definition, are you not? So is the case with the Ori. Granted, they do seem to have some very interesting powers to back up their claims. I've seen what happens those who resist. They are a formidable enemy.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ferguson''': My God, you are going to other planets through a freaking wormhole! You ''have'' to be a little nuts.

===''[[w:Ethon (Stargate SG-1)|Ethon]]'' [9.15]===
:'''Jared Kane''': Do you ever give up?
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': Not till I'm dead. [''Pause''] And sometimes not even then.

===''[[w:Off the Grid (Stargate SG-1)|Off the Grid]]'' [9.16]===
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': I have no intention of taking anyone on. I'm just going to pose as a buyer.
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': ''You?''
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': Well, no offense, Jackson, but you do not strike me as the drug dealer type. In fact, you're not even close.
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': ''[in disbelief]'' I think I'm as close as you are!
:'''[[w:Samantha Carter|Lt. Colonel Carter]]''': ''[to Mitchell]'' Come on! You're miles away.
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': Teal'c, which one of us is closer?
:'''[[w:Teal'c|Teal'c]]''': I believe the three of you to be equidistant.
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': ''[gesturing toward Carter]'' Oh, please! Mary Poppins is not even in the running.
:'''[[w:Samantha Carter|Lt. Colonel Carter]]''': Hey!
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Worrel''': Oh its far worse for you, I no longer have any reason to keep you alive.
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': No, wait! I-I-I can think of a reason.
:'''[[w:Samantha Carter|Lt. Colonel Carter]]''':''[after an awkward pause, looks to Jackson]'' We're more valuable alive.
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': ah. Yes! We're more valuable alive. Good one. 
:'''[[w:Samantha Carter|Lt. Colonel Carter]]''': ''[silently]'' Yeah.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Worrel''': ''[sarcastically]'' So, you were done slaying system lords and decided to move on to more pressing agricultural concerns?
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': That's exactly it. Corn patrol.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Walter Harriman (Stargate)|Walter]]''':How did you plant the beacon on Nerus?
:'''[[w:Hank Landry (Stargate)|Landry]]''':It was a piece of cake.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Nerus arrives on Ba'al's mothership]''
:'''[[w:Nerus (Stargate)|Nerus]]''': How nice! You came to greet me in person! Oh! Oh! I have this fabulous innovation I want you to... It's&amp;mdash;it's called a cupcake. Oh, it's so good&amp;mdash;
:'''[[w:Ba'al (Stargate)|Ba'al]]''': Why have you returned?
:'''[[w:Nerus (Stargate)|Nerus]]''': My old friend, you wound me deeply.
:'''[[w:Ba'al (Stargate)|Ba'al]]''': I'm capable of wounding you much more deeply.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Ba'al (Stargate)|Ba'al]]''': If you wish to return to my court, Nerus, you will have to prove yourself.
:'''[[w:Nerus (Stargate)|Nerus]]''': How?
:'''[[w:Ba'al (Stargate)|Ba'al]]''': Find me planets suitable for my new empire. I am ready to begin anew.
:'''[[w:Nerus (Stargate)|Nerus]]''': Well, first I must recover from my...
:''[three of Ba'al's clones walk by]''
:'''[[w:Nerus (Stargate)|Nerus]]''': ...harrowing... ordeal...
:'''[[w:Ba'al (Stargate)|Ba'al]]''': It would be wise not to defy me, Nerus. Things have changed considerably since you left.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Ba'al casually has Nerus at gunpoint with a Staff weapon after he inadvertantly  uploads a virus onto the ship's computer]''
:'''[[w:Nerus (Stargate)|Nerus]]''': But I'm so interesting!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Hank Landry (Stargate)|General Landry]]''': An eventful few days. Debrief in one hour.
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': We have got the best jobs in the world, don't we?
:'''[[w:Samantha Carter|Lt. Colonel Carter]]''': I'm gonna hit the shower.
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': I'm gonna find the doctor.
:'''[[w:Teal'c|Teal'c]]''': We are indeed suitably employed.

===''[[w:The Scourge (Stargate SG-1)|The Scourge]]'' [9.17]===
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': All right, let's move out. Those ancient ruins aren't going to explore themselves.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': Sir, I don't mean to gripe.
:'''[[W:Hank Landry (Stargate)|General Landry]]''': Permission to gripe granted.
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': We're being put on babysitting duty?
:'''[[W:Hank Landry (Stargate)|General Landry]]''': Don't underestimate the importance of this mission. This is the IOA. These people carry a lot of influence with the Stargate Program. How it's run, how it's funded. You should feel honored! Just, uh, don't keep them up past ten. And remember to read them a bedtime story before tucking them in for the night. 
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': I'm telling you, today it's escorting foreign delegates on off-world tours, tomorrow it's comic book conventions and supermarket openings.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': Hey look, I don't want to argue about this. I'm right, we'll leave it at that.
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': ''[sarcastic]'' Compelling argument. Teal'c, what do you think?
:'''[[w:Teal'c|Teal'c]]''': I think I should have remained with the tour.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': When we get back, I'm going to help you find your own place.
:'''[[w:Teal'c|Teal'c]]''': That will be unnecessary.
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': Dude, what are friends for?
:'''[[w:Teal'c|Teal'c]]''': For listening when they are told that will be unnecessary.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': You know what? Sit here. You cover our six. But stay alert. You'll hear the bugs coming, but the tree ferrets give no warning.

===''[[w:Arthur's Mantle (Stargate SG-1)|Arthur's Mantle]]'' [9.18]===
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': That was alternate reality. This is alternate dimension. Hell, all I need is a good time-travel adventure, and I've scored the SG-1 trifecta.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': Volnek! Where are you, homeboy? Come on out and show me some of those monster moves!
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Hadden''': We just plant two of them opposite each other, and run a trip wire right through the middle. Then all we gotta do is lure him in.
:'''Reynolds''': Piece of cake. While we're at it, maybe we can teach him how to speak Japanese.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': ''[whining to Carter about how he can't eat lunch, being out of phase]'' Roast beef. The one time I can't eat and they serve roast beef.
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': ''[shouting at mess chef who can't hear him]'' Do you know how many times I've requested roast beef?! 
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': ''[to Carter]'' This is torture.

===''[[w:Crusade (Stargate SG-1)|Crusade]]'' [9.19]===
:''[Vala has taken over Daniel Jackson's body]''
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': It's funny, isn't it? Daniel always wanted to get in my pants, and now I'm in his.
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': Oh, that's not funny.
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': Hmm?
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': He can't defend himself.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': I did my best to blend in. At first according to Tomin and therefore as far as the villagers were concerned I was the woman who fell from the sky which made me feel kind of special. I later learned that they always suspected I’d escaped from another village as a result of some scandal and then I started to feel much more like I’m used to.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': The village was run by this complete bear of a man named Seevis, who was both barkeep and administrator which seemed the oddest contradiction. He claimed to be the most pious man in the village. If anyone strayed from the path of righteousness, it was Seevis who made sure you were severely punished for it. But seems to be a lot more leeway for sin in the religion of Origin than one would presume from all the preaching.
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': So it’s just like my grandma used to say. No point going to confession if you ain’t got nothing to confess.
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': Exactly.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Teal'c|Teal'c]]''': You stated you had information of great importance.
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': I do, I do. And I'm getting there. 
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': We get the back story. Tomin is a nice guy, Seevis is a butthead. How about you skip ahead a little?
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': Okay. Tomin and I got married&amp;mdash;
:'''[[w:Samantha Carter|Lt. Colonel Carter]]''': Whoa, married?
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': Stay with me. I had no choice. I told you, he was very devout, and there's no way he would have slept with me out of wedlock.
:''[awkward pause]''
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': Okay, maybe we skipped ahead a little too far.
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': Well, I tried to lay it out in order...Ooh, that's a bad choice of words.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Teal'c|Teal'c]]''': You have been impregnated, without copulation.
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': Yes! And I'm absolutely terrified - have any of you ever heard anything like it?
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': W-Well.. there is one.
:'''[[w:Teal'c|Teal'c]]''': [[w:Darth Vader|Darth Vader]].
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': Really? How did that turn out?
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': Well, actually, I was thinking about [[w:King Arthur|King Arthur]].
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; 
:'''[[w:Samantha Carter|Lt. Colonel Carter]]''': You Were? /&gt;

:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': So, this girl in the bar. Her name was Denya, and we struck up a bit of a friendship. By the looks on your faces, I can see you're not surprised I had more in common with the village harlot than I did with any of the ladies from the local knitting circle.
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': Don't know what you're talking about.
:'''[[w:Vala Mal Doran|Vala]]''': At least she was honest.

===''[[w:Camelot (Stargate SG-1)|Camelot]]'' [9.20]===

:''[regarding the anti-Ori weapon]''
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': Hey, has anyone stopped to figure out how this thing might work? I mean, how do you kill something that's pure energy?
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': Well, Merlin's research said nothing about killing. A more accurate translation would be &quot;neutralize&quot; or &quot;cancel out&quot;.
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': Well, that still begs a lot of questions. How do you aim at something you can't see?
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': Clearly, it can't be a weapon in the conventional sense. See, ascended beings transcend ordinary space time as we know it. This device would have to do the same thing.
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': In other words, you have no idea what it might be.
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': Yeah, pretty much.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:''[SG-1 is looking around at the village]''
:'''[[wikipedia:Samantha Carter|Lt. Colonel Carter]]''': This sure looks like the place where Merlin might have lived.
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': There could be dozens of villages in the area, just like this one. There is no way to be sure.
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': Well... there is that... ''[points to [[w:Sword in the Stone|a sword in a stone]]]''

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': This is interesting. It's a reference to Merlin's prophetic abilities. There's a similar myth on Earth. That Merlin could see the future because he actually aged backwards in time. It's not meant to be taken literally, but we have seen a lot of legends and folklore have a strong basis in fact -- Avalon, Atlantis.
:'''[[w:Teal'c|Teal'c]]''': The Easter bunny.
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': I guess there's a few exceptions.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:''[Daniel drops a book on the floor to wake a snoozing Mitchell]''
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': ''[sarcastically]'' Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you.
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': No, I wasn't sleeping. Was Kel'no'reem-ing. Teal'c taught me the fundamentals.
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': Did he mention you should remain conscious in the process?
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': Yeah, I'm still working on the basics.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': Uh oh.
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': What's &quot;uh oh&quot;?
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': Nothing happened.
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
:''[there is a scream off screen]''
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Jackson]] &amp; [[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Mitchell]]''': Bad.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''[[w:Moros (Stargate)|Merlin]]''': Greetings, friend. I am Merlin. The prize you seek, like the pendulum's swing, marks the passage of all that is before you.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': ''[holding up a book]'' Do you recognize this?
:'''Meurik''': It is [[w:Sangraal (Stargate)|Sangraal]].
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': This is the Sangraal?
:'''Meurik''': It is also known as the Blood Stone.
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': Of course. ''Sang''. Blood. Blood red for the color of the jewel.
:'''[[w:Cameron Mitchell (Stargate)|Lt. Colonel Mitchell]]''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. We're talking about the Holy Grail, right? Every movie I've seen, that's a cup. 

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': You are making a mistake. There is no curse. The black knight is a security feature created by Merlin through the use of science and advanced technology. There is no magic&amp;mdash; ''[the ''Odyssey'' beams up SG-1]''
:''[later]''
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': Once and for all: There was no curse. This is a device. There is no magic&amp;mdash; ''[the ''Korolev'' beams him up]''
:'''[[w:Daniel Jackson (Stargate)|Dr. Jackson]]''': Boy, my timing's off today... 

&lt;noinclude&gt;
[[Category:Stargate SG-1 seasons]]
&lt;/noinclude&gt;</text>
      <sha1>di3yfyzky63yxvpknq3p2e9ejbqqmtu</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Digimon: The Movie</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>45926</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147802</id>
      <parentid>3147338</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T21:39:04Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Giftheck</username>
        <id>156697</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>/* Dialogue */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="8705" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''{{w|Digimon: The Movie}}''''' is a 2000 American-Japanese film adaptation produced by Saban Entertainment and distributed by 20th Century Fox as part of the [[Digimon]] franchise. It was composed from three films that are edited to create a flowing storyline: The prequel to Digimon Adventure, ''Digimon Adventure: Our War Game'' and the two-part ''Digimon Adventure 02'' film ''Digimon Hurricane Touchdown!!'' and ''Transcendent Evolution!! The Golden Digimentals''.

==Dialogue==
:'''Sora''': ''[over the phone]'' This is Sora! Mimi told me ''you'' were the one who threw up in my hat! ''[phone cuts out]''
:'''Tai''': There's something wrong with her phone! Perfect timing!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mrs. Kamiya''': Kids, I'm making your favorite: liver sticks!
:'''Tai''': Great... In a minute!
:''[closes the door]''
:'''Tai''': She burned them!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Agumon detroys a vending machine, Kari is on his back in a Koloa-like outfit]''
: '''Kari''': Mom ususally just puts money in, but I guess that works too. ''[Kari takes two of the beverages that came from the destroyed machines]'' Just one each!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Agumon jumps to avoid an oncoming truck]''
:'''Passenger''': Did you see that?
:'''Driver''': ''[tired sounding]'' No, I was sleeping.
:'''Passenger''': But you're driving!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Tai''': &quot;Dear Sora, I'm sorry about what happened. I haven't this bad since the time I accidentally threw up in your hat and didn't tell you about it before you put it on. I know our relationship has been a little stormy lately. You say you love thunder showers, so what's a few raindrops between friends? Love, Tai.&quot; Love? I mean from! I mean... ''[changes &quot;love&quot; to &quot;from&quot;]''
:'''Kari''': Who are you writing to, Tai?
:'''Tai''': ''[Tai shouts in surprise and hides the email from Kari]'' It's just an email joke! What are you doing in here anyway, Kari?
:'''Kari''': I wanted to show you my new dress! I'm going to a birthday party! I got my friend a Pink Power Ranger!
:'''Kari (Narrator)''': ''[As Tai tries to take the present from Kari]'' My brother and I had a 'give-and-take' relationship. I would give, and he would take.
:'''Tai''': Ah, who cares?
:'''Kari''': If you want to send an email, you have to click this. ''[grabs the mouse]'' Click!
:'''Tai''': I wasn't going to send that letter!
:'''Kari''': Then what did you write it for?
:'''Tai''': Aww, Go to your party!
:'''Kari''': ''[depressed]'' OK...
:'''Tai''': ''[dejected]'' I can't believe Sora's gonna read my letter. ''[notices it failed to send]'' Wait a minute, 'unable to deliver'? ''[angrily]'' I can't believe she's not gonna read my letter! You try and tell a girl you're sorry and your computer shuts you do- ''[shouts as he falls off the chair]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Tentomon and Agumon have arrived on the Internet to find Keramon eating data]''
:'''Izzy''': There he is! Go get him!
:'''Tentomon''': He doesn't know we're here yet!
:'''Agumon''': Let's sneak up on him ''quietly''.
:'''Tentomon''': ''[shouts]'' Super Shocker!
:'''Agumon''': That's ''quietly''?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Agumon''': We're going back in!
:'''Tentomon''': I assume Izzy and Tai were unsuccessful in finding anyone else.
:'''Agumon''': Then you and I will just have to beat that thing by ourselves!
:'''Gabumon''': Sorry we're late!
:'''Patamon''': I was surfing the web, but I wiped out!
:'''Tentomon''': Gabumon and Patamon!
:'''Patamon''': Is T.K. on this ride?
:'''Gabumon''': He's not tall enough.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Infermon''': I'm looking for the programmer. Don't interfere!
:'''Matt''': He's teasing us!
:'''Tai''': Oh yeah? Then let's get him!
:'''Matt''': It's time to Digivolve!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Wargreymon and Metalgarurumon are merging to become Omnimon]''
:'''Izzy''': Part WarGreymon...
:'''T.K.''': Part MetalGarurumon!
:'''Izzy''': They Digivolved together to become...
:'''Omnimon''': Omnimon!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Izzy''': YOU'VE... GOT... MAIL!!! [presses enter]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Diaboromon has been killed by Omnimon]''
:'''Omnimon''': Connection... Terminated.
:'''Diaboromon''': ''[splits apart]'' Willis...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Izzy''': I'm... about... to barf.
:'''Tai''': Wait 'till you try the cake.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:[Terriermon lands on Willis' head and stretches his ears to shade him]
:'''Willis''': Oh! Well, that's better! I don't suppose you could turn into a glass of lemonade too, could ya?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[After Terriermon Digivolves for the first time]'''
:'''Willis''': Huh? He's got pants now!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Terriermon''': If Davis eats it all... ''[Inflates Stomach]''
:'''DemiVeemon''': ''[Laughing]''
:'''Davis''': There's not an ounce of fat below my neck!
:'''Willis''': You're gonna deliver that pizza to my house, aren't you? Would you do me a favor and pick us up on the way?
:'''Davis''': Tell them to forget the whole thing, I'm in the mood for Chinese.
:'''Willis''': Shut up! ''[Into phone]'' Oh, no, I said 'line up'! We'll line up on the side of the road with a sign so we're easy to spot!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Davis and Willis need a ride so Veemon digivolves to Raidramon to give them one]''
:'''Davis''': Did somebody call for a ride?
:'''Terriermon''': Wow, that's cool!
:'''Willis''': Couldn't you done that before?
:''[They ride through a meadow and a bunch of kids run alongside]''
:'''Kid''': Hey, can we get a ride too?
:'''Davis''': Sorry, but we're on a mission!
:''[The three approach where the others are appearing as a cloud of dust]''
:'''Upamon''': Hey, its a big gust of wind!
:'''Cody''': No, it's Davis!
:'''Yolei''': Same difference.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[After Willis share his back story]''
:'''Davis''': ''[crying]'' That's the saddest story I have ever heard.
:'''Willis''': Hey, I'm the one with the problem, not you. Get over it.
:'''Davis''': ''[Stops crying]'' OK.
:'''Willis''': Wow, that was fast.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Wendigomon has just been destroyed by Magnamon and Rapidmon, causing Kerpymon to revert to his 'good' form]''
:'''Kerpymon''': Willis...
:'''Willis''': Kokomon?
:'''Kerpymon''' Thank you... ''[Kerpymon disintegrates]''
:'''Willis''': ''[Crying]'' Now I've lost... both of them...
:'''Terriermon''': You'll never lose me, Willis! I told you! I'm your friend! Friends are always there for each other.
:'''Willis''': ''[happily]'' Terriermon!

== Voice Cast ==
*[[w:Joshua Seth|Joshua Seth]] - Tai Kamiya
*[[w:Michael Reisz|Michael Reisz]] - Matt Ishida
*[[w:Mona Marshall|Mona Marshall]] - Izzy Izumi, Terriermon
*[[w:Colleen O'Shaughnessey|Colleen O'Shaughnessey]] - Sora Takenouchi
*[[w:Michael Lindsay|Michael Lindsay]] - Joe Kido, Greymon
*[[w:Philece Sampler|Philece Sampler]] - Mimi Tachikawa, Cody Hida
*[[w:Wendee Lee|Wendee Lee]] - T.K. Takaishi (&quot;Eight Years Ago&quot; &amp; &quot;Four Years Later&quot;), little Kokomon
*[[w:Doug Erholtz|Doug Erholtz]] - T.K. Takaishi (&quot;Present Day&quot;)
*[[w:Lara Jill Miller|Lara Jill Miller]] - Kari Kamiya
*[[w:Tom Fahn|Tom Fahn]] - Agumon, Digmon
*[[w:Joseph Pilato|Joseph Pilato]] - MetalGreymon
*[[w:Lex Lang|Lex Lang]] - WarGreymon, Omnimon (shared), Rapidmon
*[[w:Kirk Thornton|Kirk Thornton]] - Gabumon, MetalGarurumon, Omnimon (shared)
*[[w:Jeff Nimoy|Jeff Nimoy]] - Tentomon, Kabuterimon
*[[w:Tifanie Christun|Tifanie Christun]] - Biyomon, Yolei Inoue
*[[w:R. Martin Klein|R. Martin Klein]] - Gomamon
*Anna Garduno - Palmon
*[[w:Laura Summer|Laura Summer]] - Patamon
*[[w:Dave Mallow|Dave Mallow]] - Angemon, Seraphimon, Upamon
*[[w:Edie Mirman|Edie Mirman]] - Gatomon, Angewomon, Magnadramon
*[[w:Brian Donovan (actor)|Brian Donovan]] - Davis Motomiya
*[[w:Bob Glouberman|Bob Glouberman]] - Willis
*[[w:Derek Stephen Prince|Derek Stephen Prince]] - Veemon
*[[w:Steven Blum|Steven Jay Blum]] - Flamedramon, Raidramon, Magnamon, Poromon
*[[w:Neil Kaplan|Neil Kaplan]] - Hawkmon
*[[w:Robert Axelrod (actor)|Robert Axelrod]] - Armadillomon
*Michael Sorich - Gargomon
*[[w:Bob Papenbrook|Bob Papenbrook]] - Red Greymon
*[[w:Peggy O'Neal (voice actress)|Peggy O'Neal]] - Botamon
*[[w:Brianne Siddall|Brianne Siddall]] - Koromon
*[[w:Michael Sorich|Michael Sorich]] - Big Agumon
*[[w:David Lodge (voice actor)|David Lodge]] - Parrotmon
*[[w:Paul St. Peter|Paul St. Peter]] - Keramon, Infermon, Diaboromon, Kokomon
*Brianne Siddall - Kuramon
*[[w:Mike Reynolds (actor)|Mike Reynolds]] - Gennai

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
[[Category:2000 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:Japanese films]]
[[Category:Anime]]
[[Category:American children's animated action films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]</text>
      <sha1>mu1bq6eancsdmcii9nt46oo6kh22ba9</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147804</id>
      <parentid>3147802</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T21:39:45Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Giftheck</username>
        <id>156697</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>/* Dialogue */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="8709" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''{{w|Digimon: The Movie}}''''' is a 2000 American-Japanese film adaptation produced by Saban Entertainment and distributed by 20th Century Fox as part of the [[Digimon]] franchise. It was composed from three films that are edited to create a flowing storyline: The prequel to Digimon Adventure, ''Digimon Adventure: Our War Game'' and the two-part ''Digimon Adventure 02'' film ''Digimon Hurricane Touchdown!!'' and ''Transcendent Evolution!! The Golden Digimentals''.

==Dialogue==
:'''Sora''': ''[over the phone]'' This is Sora! Mimi told me ''you'' were the one who threw up in my hat! ''[phone cuts out]''
:'''Tai''': There's something wrong with her phone! Perfect timing!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mrs. Kamiya''': Kids, I'm making your favorite: liver sticks!
:'''Tai''': Great... In a minute!
:''[closes the door]''
:'''Tai''': She burned them!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Agumon detroys a vending machine, Kari is on his back in a Koloa-like outfit]''
: '''Kari''': Mom ususally just puts money in, but I guess that works too. ''[Kari takes two of the beverages that came from the destroyed machines]'' Just one each!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Agumon jumps to avoid an oncoming truck]''
:'''Passenger''': Did you see that?
:'''Driver''': ''[tired sounding]'' No, I was sleeping.
:'''Passenger''': But you're driving!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Tai''': &quot;Dear Sora, I'm sorry about what happened. I haven't this bad since the time I accidentally threw up in your hat and didn't tell you about it before you put it on. I know our relationship has been a little stormy lately. You say you love thunder showers, so what's a few raindrops between friends? Love, Tai.&quot; Love? I mean from! I mean... ''[changes &quot;love&quot; to &quot;from&quot;]''
:'''Kari''': Who are you writing to, Tai?
:'''Tai''': ''[Tai shouts in surprise and hides the email from Kari]'' It's just an email joke! What are you doing in here anyway, Kari?
:'''Kari''': I wanted to show you my new dress! I'm going to a birthday party! I got my friend a Pink Power Ranger!
:'''Kari (Narrator)''': ''[As Tai tries to take the present from Kari]'' My brother and I had a 'give-and-take' relationship. I would give, and he would take.
:'''Tai''': Ah, who cares?
:'''Kari''': If you want to send an email, you have to click this. ''[grabs the mouse]'' Click!
:'''Tai''': I wasn't going to send that letter!
:'''Kari''': Then what did you write it for?
:'''Tai''': Aww, Go to your party!
:'''Kari''': ''[depressed]'' OK...
:'''Tai''': ''[dejected]'' I can't believe Sora's gonna read my letter. ''[notices it failed to send]'' Wait a minute, 'unable to deliver'? ''[angrily]'' I can't believe she's not gonna read my letter! You try and tell a girl you're sorry and your computer shuts you do- ''[shouts as he falls off the chair]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Tentomon and Agumon have arrived on the Internet to find Keramon eating data]''
:'''Izzy''': There he is! Go get him!
:'''Tentomon''': He doesn't know we're here yet!
:'''Agumon''': Let's sneak up on him ''quietly''.
:'''Tentomon''': ''[shouts]'' Super Shocker!
:'''Agumon''': That's ''quietly''?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Agumon''': We're going back in!
:'''Tentomon''': I assume Izzy and Tai were unsuccessful in finding anyone else.
:'''Agumon''': Then you and I will just have to beat that thing by ourselves!
:'''Gabumon''': Sorry we're late!
:'''Patamon''': I was surfing the web, but I wiped out!
:'''Tentomon''': Gabumon and Patamon!
:'''Patamon''': Is T.K. on this ride?
:'''Gabumon''': He's not tall enough.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Infermon''': I'm looking for the programmer. Don't interfere!
:'''Matt''': He's teasing us!
:'''Tai''': Oh yeah? Then let's get him!
:'''Matt''': It's time to Digivolve!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Wargreymon and Metalgarurumon are merging to become Omnimon]''
:'''Izzy''': Part WarGreymon...
:'''T.K.''': Part MetalGarurumon!
:'''Izzy''': They Digivolved together to become...
:'''Omnimon''': Omnimon!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Izzy''': YOU'VE... GOT... MAIL!!! [presses enter]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Diaboromon has been killed by Omnimon]''
:'''Omnimon''': Connection... Terminated.
:'''Diaboromon''': ''[splits apart]'' Willis...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Izzy''': I'm... about... to barf.
:'''Tai''': Wait 'till you try the cake.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Terriermon lands on Willis' head and stretches his ears to shade him]''
:'''Willis''': Oh! Well, that's better! I don't suppose you could turn into a glass of lemonade too, could ya?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[After Terriermon Digivolves for the first time]'''
:'''Willis''': Huh? He's got pants now!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Terriermon''': If Davis eats it all... ''[Inflates Stomach]''
:'''DemiVeemon''': ''[Laughing]''
:'''Davis''': There's not an ounce of fat below my neck!
:'''Willis''': You're gonna deliver that pizza to my house, aren't you? Would you do me a favor and pick us up on the way?
:'''Davis''': Tell them to forget the whole thing, I'm in the mood for Chinese.
:'''Willis''': Shut up! ''[Into phone]'' Oh, no, I said 'line up'! We'll line up on the side of the road with a sign so we're easy to spot!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Davis and Willis need a ride so Veemon digivolves to Raidramon to give them one]''
:'''Davis''': Did somebody call for a ride?
:'''Terriermon''': Wow, that's cool!
:'''Willis''': Couldn't you done that before?
:''[They ride through a meadow and a bunch of kids run alongside]''
:'''Kid''': Hey, can we get a ride too?
:'''Davis''': Sorry, but we're on a mission!
:''[The three approach where the others are appearing as a cloud of dust]''
:'''Upamon''': Hey, its a big gust of wind!
:'''Cody''': No, it's Davis!
:'''Yolei''': Same difference.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[After Willis share his back story]''
:'''Davis''': ''[crying]'' That's the saddest story I have ever heard.
:'''Willis''': Hey, I'm the one with the problem, not you. Get over it.
:'''Davis''': ''[Stops crying]'' OK.
:'''Willis''': Wow, that was fast.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Wendigomon has just been destroyed by Magnamon and Rapidmon, causing Kerpymon to revert to his 'good' form]''
:'''Kerpymon''': Willis...
:'''Willis''': Kokomon?
:'''Kerpymon''' Thank you... ''[Kerpymon disintegrates]''
:'''Willis''': ''[Crying]'' Now I've lost... both of them...
:'''Terriermon''': You'll never lose me, Willis! I told you! I'm your friend! Friends are always there for each other.
:'''Willis''': ''[happily]'' Terriermon!

== Voice Cast ==
*[[w:Joshua Seth|Joshua Seth]] - Tai Kamiya
*[[w:Michael Reisz|Michael Reisz]] - Matt Ishida
*[[w:Mona Marshall|Mona Marshall]] - Izzy Izumi, Terriermon
*[[w:Colleen O'Shaughnessey|Colleen O'Shaughnessey]] - Sora Takenouchi
*[[w:Michael Lindsay|Michael Lindsay]] - Joe Kido, Greymon
*[[w:Philece Sampler|Philece Sampler]] - Mimi Tachikawa, Cody Hida
*[[w:Wendee Lee|Wendee Lee]] - T.K. Takaishi (&quot;Eight Years Ago&quot; &amp; &quot;Four Years Later&quot;), little Kokomon
*[[w:Doug Erholtz|Doug Erholtz]] - T.K. Takaishi (&quot;Present Day&quot;)
*[[w:Lara Jill Miller|Lara Jill Miller]] - Kari Kamiya
*[[w:Tom Fahn|Tom Fahn]] - Agumon, Digmon
*[[w:Joseph Pilato|Joseph Pilato]] - MetalGreymon
*[[w:Lex Lang|Lex Lang]] - WarGreymon, Omnimon (shared), Rapidmon
*[[w:Kirk Thornton|Kirk Thornton]] - Gabumon, MetalGarurumon, Omnimon (shared)
*[[w:Jeff Nimoy|Jeff Nimoy]] - Tentomon, Kabuterimon
*[[w:Tifanie Christun|Tifanie Christun]] - Biyomon, Yolei Inoue
*[[w:R. Martin Klein|R. Martin Klein]] - Gomamon
*Anna Garduno - Palmon
*[[w:Laura Summer|Laura Summer]] - Patamon
*[[w:Dave Mallow|Dave Mallow]] - Angemon, Seraphimon, Upamon
*[[w:Edie Mirman|Edie Mirman]] - Gatomon, Angewomon, Magnadramon
*[[w:Brian Donovan (actor)|Brian Donovan]] - Davis Motomiya
*[[w:Bob Glouberman|Bob Glouberman]] - Willis
*[[w:Derek Stephen Prince|Derek Stephen Prince]] - Veemon
*[[w:Steven Blum|Steven Jay Blum]] - Flamedramon, Raidramon, Magnamon, Poromon
*[[w:Neil Kaplan|Neil Kaplan]] - Hawkmon
*[[w:Robert Axelrod (actor)|Robert Axelrod]] - Armadillomon
*Michael Sorich - Gargomon
*[[w:Bob Papenbrook|Bob Papenbrook]] - Red Greymon
*[[w:Peggy O'Neal (voice actress)|Peggy O'Neal]] - Botamon
*[[w:Brianne Siddall|Brianne Siddall]] - Koromon
*[[w:Michael Sorich|Michael Sorich]] - Big Agumon
*[[w:David Lodge (voice actor)|David Lodge]] - Parrotmon
*[[w:Paul St. Peter|Paul St. Peter]] - Keramon, Infermon, Diaboromon, Kokomon
*Brianne Siddall - Kuramon
*[[w:Mike Reynolds (actor)|Mike Reynolds]] - Gennai

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
[[Category:2000 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:Japanese films]]
[[Category:Anime]]
[[Category:American children's animated action films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]</text>
      <sha1>87ju1iz1a3a7jfndovqhhp6bkbyvz34</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147805</id>
      <parentid>3147804</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T21:39:58Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Giftheck</username>
        <id>156697</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>/* Dialogue */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="8707" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''{{w|Digimon: The Movie}}''''' is a 2000 American-Japanese film adaptation produced by Saban Entertainment and distributed by 20th Century Fox as part of the [[Digimon]] franchise. It was composed from three films that are edited to create a flowing storyline: The prequel to Digimon Adventure, ''Digimon Adventure: Our War Game'' and the two-part ''Digimon Adventure 02'' film ''Digimon Hurricane Touchdown!!'' and ''Transcendent Evolution!! The Golden Digimentals''.

==Dialogue==
:'''Sora''': ''[over the phone]'' This is Sora! Mimi told me ''you'' were the one who threw up in my hat! ''[phone cuts out]''
:'''Tai''': There's something wrong with her phone! Perfect timing!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mrs. Kamiya''': Kids, I'm making your favorite: liver sticks!
:'''Tai''': Great... In a minute!
:''[closes the door]''
:'''Tai''': She burned them!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Agumon detroys a vending machine, Kari is on his back in a Koloa-like outfit]''
: '''Kari''': Mom ususally just puts money in, but I guess that works too. ''[Kari takes two of the beverages that came from the destroyed machines]'' Just one each!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Agumon jumps to avoid an oncoming truck]''
:'''Passenger''': Did you see that?
:'''Driver''': ''[tired sounding]'' No, I was sleeping.
:'''Passenger''': But you're driving!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Tai''': &quot;Dear Sora, I'm sorry about what happened. I haven't this bad since the time I accidentally threw up in your hat and didn't tell you about it before you put it on. I know our relationship has been a little stormy lately. You say you love thunder showers, so what's a few raindrops between friends? Love, Tai.&quot; Love? I mean from! I mean... ''[changes &quot;love&quot; to &quot;from&quot;]''
:'''Kari''': Who are you writing to, Tai?
:'''Tai''': ''[Tai shouts in surprise and hides the email from Kari]'' It's just an email joke! What are you doing in here anyway, Kari?
:'''Kari''': I wanted to show you my new dress! I'm going to a birthday party! I got my friend a Pink Power Ranger!
:'''Kari (Narrator)''': ''[As Tai tries to take the present from Kari]'' My brother and I had a 'give-and-take' relationship. I would give, and he would take.
:'''Tai''': Ah, who cares?
:'''Kari''': If you want to send an email, you have to click this. ''[grabs the mouse]'' Click!
:'''Tai''': I wasn't going to send that letter!
:'''Kari''': Then what did you write it for?
:'''Tai''': Aww, Go to your party!
:'''Kari''': ''[depressed]'' OK...
:'''Tai''': ''[dejected]'' I can't believe Sora's gonna read my letter. ''[notices it failed to send]'' Wait a minute, 'unable to deliver'? ''[angrily]'' I can't believe she's not gonna read my letter! You try and tell a girl you're sorry and your computer shuts you do- ''[shouts as he falls off the chair]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Tentomon and Agumon have arrived on the Internet to find Keramon eating data]''
:'''Izzy''': There he is! Go get him!
:'''Tentomon''': He doesn't know we're here yet!
:'''Agumon''': Let's sneak up on him ''quietly''.
:'''Tentomon''': ''[shouts]'' Super Shocker!
:'''Agumon''': That's ''quietly''?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Agumon''': We're going back in!
:'''Tentomon''': I assume Izzy and Tai were unsuccessful in finding anyone else.
:'''Agumon''': Then you and I will just have to beat that thing by ourselves!
:'''Gabumon''': Sorry we're late!
:'''Patamon''': I was surfing the web, but I wiped out!
:'''Tentomon''': Gabumon and Patamon!
:'''Patamon''': Is T.K. on this ride?
:'''Gabumon''': He's not tall enough.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Infermon''': I'm looking for the programmer. Don't interfere!
:'''Matt''': He's teasing us!
:'''Tai''': Oh yeah? Then let's get him!
:'''Matt''': It's time to Digivolve!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Wargreymon and Metalgarurumon are merging to become Omnimon]''
:'''Izzy''': Part WarGreymon...
:'''T.K.''': Part MetalGarurumon!
:'''Izzy''': They Digivolved together to become...
:'''Omnimon''': Omnimon!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Izzy''': YOU'VE... GOT... MAIL!!! [presses enter]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Diaboromon has been killed by Omnimon]''
:'''Omnimon''': Connection... Terminated.
:'''Diaboromon''': ''[splits apart]'' Willis...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Izzy''': I'm... about... to barf.
:'''Tai''': Wait 'till you try the cake.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Terriermon lands on Willis' head and stretches his ears to shade him]''
:'''Willis''': Oh! Well, that's better! I don't suppose you could turn into a glass of lemonade too, could ya?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[After Terriermon Digivolves for the first time]''
:'''Willis''': Huh? He's got pants now!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Terriermon''': If Davis eats it all... ''[Inflates Stomach]''
:'''DemiVeemon''': ''[Laughing]''
:'''Davis''': There's not an ounce of fat below my neck!
:'''Willis''': You're gonna deliver that pizza to my house, aren't you? Would you do me a favor and pick us up on the way?
:'''Davis''': Tell them to forget the whole thing, I'm in the mood for Chinese.
:'''Willis''': Shut up! ''[Into phone]'' Oh, no, I said 'line up'! We'll line up on the side of the road with a sign so we're easy to spot!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Davis and Willis need a ride so Veemon digivolves to Raidramon to give them one]''
:'''Davis''': Did somebody call for a ride?
:'''Terriermon''': Wow, that's cool!
:'''Willis''': Couldn't you done that before?
:''[They ride through a meadow and a bunch of kids run alongside]''
:'''Kid''': Hey, can we get a ride too?
:'''Davis''': Sorry, but we're on a mission!
:''[The three approach where the others are appearing as a cloud of dust]''
:'''Upamon''': Hey, its a big gust of wind!
:'''Cody''': No, it's Davis!
:'''Yolei''': Same difference.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[After Willis share his back story]''
:'''Davis''': ''[crying]'' That's the saddest story I have ever heard.
:'''Willis''': Hey, I'm the one with the problem, not you. Get over it.
:'''Davis''': ''[Stops crying]'' OK.
:'''Willis''': Wow, that was fast.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Wendigomon has just been destroyed by Magnamon and Rapidmon, causing Kerpymon to revert to his 'good' form]''
:'''Kerpymon''': Willis...
:'''Willis''': Kokomon?
:'''Kerpymon''' Thank you... ''[Kerpymon disintegrates]''
:'''Willis''': ''[Crying]'' Now I've lost... both of them...
:'''Terriermon''': You'll never lose me, Willis! I told you! I'm your friend! Friends are always there for each other.
:'''Willis''': ''[happily]'' Terriermon!

== Voice Cast ==
*[[w:Joshua Seth|Joshua Seth]] - Tai Kamiya
*[[w:Michael Reisz|Michael Reisz]] - Matt Ishida
*[[w:Mona Marshall|Mona Marshall]] - Izzy Izumi, Terriermon
*[[w:Colleen O'Shaughnessey|Colleen O'Shaughnessey]] - Sora Takenouchi
*[[w:Michael Lindsay|Michael Lindsay]] - Joe Kido, Greymon
*[[w:Philece Sampler|Philece Sampler]] - Mimi Tachikawa, Cody Hida
*[[w:Wendee Lee|Wendee Lee]] - T.K. Takaishi (&quot;Eight Years Ago&quot; &amp; &quot;Four Years Later&quot;), little Kokomon
*[[w:Doug Erholtz|Doug Erholtz]] - T.K. Takaishi (&quot;Present Day&quot;)
*[[w:Lara Jill Miller|Lara Jill Miller]] - Kari Kamiya
*[[w:Tom Fahn|Tom Fahn]] - Agumon, Digmon
*[[w:Joseph Pilato|Joseph Pilato]] - MetalGreymon
*[[w:Lex Lang|Lex Lang]] - WarGreymon, Omnimon (shared), Rapidmon
*[[w:Kirk Thornton|Kirk Thornton]] - Gabumon, MetalGarurumon, Omnimon (shared)
*[[w:Jeff Nimoy|Jeff Nimoy]] - Tentomon, Kabuterimon
*[[w:Tifanie Christun|Tifanie Christun]] - Biyomon, Yolei Inoue
*[[w:R. Martin Klein|R. Martin Klein]] - Gomamon
*Anna Garduno - Palmon
*[[w:Laura Summer|Laura Summer]] - Patamon
*[[w:Dave Mallow|Dave Mallow]] - Angemon, Seraphimon, Upamon
*[[w:Edie Mirman|Edie Mirman]] - Gatomon, Angewomon, Magnadramon
*[[w:Brian Donovan (actor)|Brian Donovan]] - Davis Motomiya
*[[w:Bob Glouberman|Bob Glouberman]] - Willis
*[[w:Derek Stephen Prince|Derek Stephen Prince]] - Veemon
*[[w:Steven Blum|Steven Jay Blum]] - Flamedramon, Raidramon, Magnamon, Poromon
*[[w:Neil Kaplan|Neil Kaplan]] - Hawkmon
*[[w:Robert Axelrod (actor)|Robert Axelrod]] - Armadillomon
*Michael Sorich - Gargomon
*[[w:Bob Papenbrook|Bob Papenbrook]] - Red Greymon
*[[w:Peggy O'Neal (voice actress)|Peggy O'Neal]] - Botamon
*[[w:Brianne Siddall|Brianne Siddall]] - Koromon
*[[w:Michael Sorich|Michael Sorich]] - Big Agumon
*[[w:David Lodge (voice actor)|David Lodge]] - Parrotmon
*[[w:Paul St. Peter|Paul St. Peter]] - Keramon, Infermon, Diaboromon, Kokomon
*Brianne Siddall - Kuramon
*[[w:Mike Reynolds (actor)|Mike Reynolds]] - Gennai

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
[[Category:2000 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:Japanese films]]
[[Category:Anime]]
[[Category:American children's animated action films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>TMNT (film)</title>
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      <text bytes="25284" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:TMNT (film)|TMNT]]'''''  (also known as and short for '''''Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles''''' and in 92 minutes release) is a [[w:2007 in film|2007 film]] about the continued adventures of the four adolescent mutated turtles gifted in the art of the ninja, as they attempt to stop a mysterious evil that threatens to end the world. The film stars the voices of {{w|James Arnold Taylor}}, {{w|Nolan North}}, {{w|Mitchell Whitfield}}, {{w|Mikey Kelley}}, [[Chris Evans]], [[Sarah Michelle Gellar]], [[w:Mako (actor)|Mako]], [[Kevin Smith]], {{w|Patrick Stewart}}, [[Zhang Ziyi]], and narrated by {{w|Laurence Fishburne}}.

:''Directed and written by [[w:Kevin Munroe|Kevin Munroe]].''

{{center|'''Raising Shell In 2007'''}}

==Turtles==

=== Donatello ===
* No, I'm not playing hard to get, I'm telling you sir, this is not that kind of phone line!
* Did you turn it on? Did you plug it in? Yeah, that would help.

=== Raphael / Nightwatcher ===
* Hey, Leo's back. Better go say &quot;Hello&quot; before he leaves again.
* Y'know, the thing about you immortal stone guys, is you're immortal... And made of stone. I sound like Mikey!
* [''last lines of the film, narrating''] We live together, we train together, we fight together, we stand for good together. We are ninjas. We strike hard, defend, protect, and fade into the night. And there ain't no bad guy or monster ever gonna change that, that's what's important, and that's why we'll always be... brothers. Oh, I love bein' a turtle!
* [''to Leo''] Okay, Jungle Boy, grab a vine.
* (to criminal) I'm not gonna hurt ya... much.

=== Michelangelo / Cowabunga Carl ===
* Hey, I've been training - Since you left, my video game scores have, like, doubled.
* Why skate a half pipe, when you can skate a sewer pipe?!
* ''[Big entrance into Lair]'' HERE'S MIKEY! ''[Pause]''...Guys? Anyone? Hello? Aw, this place used to be fun...
* So it's like Halley's Comet only... monsters come out.
* [fighting Bigfoot, gets backed up next to a pit full of spikes] This is why we need jetpacks...
* ''[While skateboarding]'' Hehe, I'm smart. ''[Crashes(both in the trash bin in the trailer and on the half pipe in the actual film)]'' I'm Okay.
* Okay... did we win ''now''?
* Happy birthday from Cowabunga Carl!
* The turtles are back, dudes. I give us a 10 for style, an 8 for skill and- ah... a 2 for stealth. (Which is... a total of 20…?)[''Looking at a destroyed construction site that the turtles fought on'']
* 'Jungle Boy' he-he, good one!

=== Leonardo ===
* Come to Daddy. [''After strapping the entirety of a display of ancient swords to his back'']
* ''[Arguing with Raphael]'' Look, Raph, if there's something you wanna get off your shell, now's the time but I'm not gonna stand here and debate Splinter's direct orders with you!
* I mean, come on! What were you thinking?!

== Casey Jones ==
*''[Holding a door closed while one of the Generals tries to push through on the other side.]'' And I thought girl scouts were pushy!
*Two minutes for high sticking!
*''['''Raphael:''' What, you never heard of smoke pellets?]'' Warn me next time. ''[coughs]'' I got allergies.

== Others ==
* '''Max Winters''': I must've hit my head pretty hard. I'm seeing giant turtles.
* '''Splinter''': ''[After kicking a monster back into the portal]'' I still got it!
* '''Splinter''': If anyone needs me, I'll be watching my stories. Cody is going to break up with Donna. I just know it.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Village Boy:''' ''[quietly]'' The Ghost of the Jungle. ''[sometime later; to April O'Neil; pointing at a tree]'' There. That's where I saw him.
:'''April O'Neil:''' Thank you. You'd better get home now.
:'''Village Boy:''' Do you know the Ghost?
:'''April:''' ''[looks back smiling]'' He wasn't always a ghost.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Reporter:''' And with rocketing interest rates, that's bad news for homeowners as the real estate market continues its downward spiral. Coming up, the vigilante known as Nightwatcher strikes again.
:'''Man:''' Ooh, now, I can't say for sure, but he was ''definitely'' an alien.
:'''Woman:''' ''[angrily; in bitter disgust]'' I think it's a disgrace, taking the law into your own hands like that! Leave it to the police!
:'''Michelangelo:''' ''[about the police; remembering the old days]'' I remember how that used to feel, busting up crime syndicates. Sure, they had a bunch of guns, but they weren't like ''these'' guns. ''[flexes his muscles]''
:'''Donatello:''' ''[sighs; unamused]'' Why do you do this to yourself, Mikey? Those glory days are over. Forget about 'em. Get on with your life. Concentrate on your work.
:'''Raphael:''' ''[waking up; sarcastically]'' Yeah, yeah, spoken like a true has-been.
:'''Donnie:''' ''[also sarcastically]'' Well, look who woke up. ''[seriously; sick and tired of Raph's laziness]'' I suppose you think the Nightwatcher's some kind of hero.
:'''Raph:''' ''[jumps down]'' Beats sittin' around doing nothin' while dirtbags run free. ''[crushes a soda can]''
:'''Donnie:''' I would love to know what it is that you do that's so great. At least we're contributing around here, all you do is sleep all day.
:'''Raph:''' ''[scoffs; disrespectfully]'' Yeah, I do nothin'. You're right. ''[points an accusing finger at Donnie]'' You got me all figured out.
:'''Donnie:''' ''[losing his patience]'' Well, I know that your rogue attitude has always been a source of contention to this team. You think ''fear'' is the best way to accomplish things, ''[raising his voice]'' but you're wrong.
:'''Raph:''' First of all, this &quot;team&quot; you speak of doesn't exist anymore. And second of all... ''[almost punches Donnie, who flinches]''
:'''Splinter:''' ''[offscreen]'' Raphael. ''[appears]'' Enough.
:'''Raph:''' ''[smugly]'' Heh, I think I made my point.
:'''Donnie:''' ''[defensively]'' Th-That doesn't prove anything. ''[Raph leaves the room; to Splinter; under his breath, bitterly]'' Why couldn't you send ''him'' away for training?
:'''Splinter:''' Donatello, this home has become like an empty shell. Each of your brothers has strengths and weaknesses. You must learn to be strong when they are weak. If you don't learn to recognize this, then all hope is lost for our family.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Apri:''' Where are you, Casey? ''[speed dials Casey]'' Come on. Come on, pick up. ''[annoyed]'' Don't do this to me again, not ''now.''
:'''Casey Jones:''' ''[on answering machine]'' Casey can't come to the phone right now, because...we're hardly working. ''[picks up phone]'' Uhh. This better be good.
:'''April:''' Casey, I'm standing on the docks with a priceless statue and ''no delivery truck.'' So my question is, ''Where are you?''
:'''Casey:''' April! Hey, babe! I'm so sorry, I set the alarm, but-- But-- ''[quickly looks around, and picks up the alarm clock and puts it on the floor and crushes it as the alarm beeps]'' It-it's broken, the clock. ''[bashes it on the coffee table, which causes the batteries to fly out, finally stopping it.]''
:'''April:''' It's bad enough that you're out every night playing vigilante, but we've got a deadline to meet.
:'''Casey:''' I'm sorry. Oh, wait, babe, real quick. You left a message saying you found Leo. I mean, is he there with you?
:'''April:''' No. I found him. He's not coming back.
:'''Casey:''' But-- But didn't you tell him how weird things have gotten with the Turtles?
:'''April:''' Look, Casey, we're gonna lose the biggest client we have if you don't get down here.
:'''Casey:''' All right. I'm on my way.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Thief:''' ''[exiting store, pointing gun at store clerks]'' And you keep them up, got that? And don't let me catch you calling the cops. ''[gets yanked up by Nightwatcher]'' What? Not again. ''[gets thrown at the wall by Nightwatcher]''
:'''Nightwatcher:''' Didn't I take care of you last week?
:'''Thief:''' ''[worried]'' Hey. No, n-no. Come on, now.
:'''Nightwatcher:''' ''[picks up thief]'' I'm very disappointed in you, knucklehead. Guess night school's in session.
:'''Casey:''' ''[whistles]'' Hope I'm not disturbing class. Hey, Nightwatcher. Need any teaching assistance?
:'''Raphael/Nightwatcher:''' ''[to himself]'' Oh, no. Casey. Yeah, I've got this one covered, pal. ''[backhands thief]'' Thanks, but no thanks.
:'''Casey:''' You think you own these rooftops? I happen to think you could use my help. ''[Raph summons his ball and chain]'' And I could use a sidekick. You may have everyone else fooled, but you haven't fooled me, Raph.
:'''Raphael/Nightwatcher:''' ''[takes Casey's bat with the ball and chain]'' Yeah, well, guess what, pal. Now… Hey, wait a minute. ''[groans]'' How'd you know it was me?
:'''Casey:''' Wasn't that hard, man. You know, you look like a big, metal turtle.
:'''Raphael:''' ''[removes his helmet]'' Ah. It's that obvious, huh?
:'''Thief:''' ''[trying to run away]'' I should've stayed in law school.
:'''Casey:''' Aww, ain't that cute? He's trying to get away. ''[looks at Raphael who smiles at Casey Jones]'' Well, looks like I got a sidekick.
:'''Raphael/Nightwatcher:''' Yeah, right. You're the sidekick.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raph''': Well, ''[yawns]'' I'm going to bed. Hey, Leo's back. ''[pushes book off of Don's face]'' Better go say &quot;hello&quot; before he leaves again.
:'''Donnie:''' What? ''[happily]'' Leo!
:'''Leo:''' ''[happily]'' Hey!
:'''Donnie:''' ''[he and Leonardo hug]'' Hey!
:'''Mikey:''' ''[sees Leo; surprised]'' Huh, Leo? ''[falls over; happily]'' Is that really you?
:'''Leo:''' Yeah.
:'''Mikey:''' ''[gives Leo a hug.]'' I'm, like, dreaming, aren't I?
:'''Leo:''' No, Mikey. You're not dreaming.
:'''Mikey:''' Oh, good. I have nightmares about birthday parties. ''[hugs Leo tightly]''
:''[scene fades to the Turtles on top of a building]''
:'''Raph:''' Okay, Leo, I'll bite. What are we doin' up here?
:'''Leo:''' I told Splinter I'd get this team in shape again.
:'''Mikey:''' Hey, I've been training. Since you left, my video game scores have, like, doubled.
:'''Leo:''' ''[smirks; amused]'' Right. And while you've been playing games, little brother, ''[seriously]'' this Nightwatcher character's come into the neighborhood like some kind of vigilante showboat, but his days are done.
:'''Raph:''' Hey, you went AWOL, Leo. And the Nightwatcher was the only guy to pick up the slack. ''[coldly]'' Crime never took a break. You did.
:'''Mikey:''' ''[about the Nightwatcher]'' I heard his bike turns into a plane, or like, a jetpack. Hey, Don, you're so smart. Why don't we have jetpacks?
:'''Donnie:''' Yeah, that's good, Mikey. I don't even trust you with a driver's license. Have you seen the way this guy behaves--?
:''[the Turtles are interrupted by a roar coming from a construction site]''
:'''Mikey:''' Whoa. ''[he and the Turtles run to see the construction site]'' Ho-ho, someone's cranky.
:''[a monster roars in the construction site]''
:'''Raph:''' Okay, Jungle Boy, grab a vine. ''[dashes to investigate]''
:'''Leo:''' ''[warningly]'' Raph, wait! Splinter told us not to fight!
:'''Mikey:''' ''[chuckles]'' &quot;Jungle Boy.&quot; Good one.
:'''Leo:''' ''[groans in annoyance]'' Alright, but remember, we're only up here for training.
:'''Mikey:''' Y'know what I always say, &quot;Train by doing, dude.&quot;
:'''Leo:''' Mikey, when have you ''ever'' said that?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mikey:''' This is why we need jetpacks.
:'''Donnie:''' ''[worried]'' Okay, any more bright ideas?
:'''Mikey:''' How about this? ''[he and Donnie look at each other, and they both scream in terror while Mikey jumps into Donnie's arms, [[Scooby-Doo]]-style; piece of scaffolding falls on top of the Turtles]''
:'''Donnie:''' When this is over, I'm totally calling the architect.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mikey:''' ''[dazed]'' Dudes, did anyone get the license plate of that thing that hit us last night? Oy, my head...
:'''Donnie:''' Okay, th-that was just weird. I mean, first the Foot, then that hideous monster--
:'''Mikey:''' Yeah. It looked like your ''mom'', dude! ''[laughs]''
:'''Donnie:''' ''[not amused in the slightest]'' Yeah, that would make her ''your'' mom too, doofus.
:'''Mikey:''' ''[stops laughing; offended]'' Yeah, whatever.
:'''Raph:''' Keep laughin', Mikey. Last night was an embarrassment. ''[slams his fist on the table]''
:'''Leo:''' I'll tell you what's embarrassing. You can't even follow a single order.
:'''Raph:''' ''[sarcastically]'' Oh-ho-ho-ho, how cute. ''[seriously]'' You've been back for 5 minutes, and now you're schoolin' us on your master plan?
:'''Leo:''' ''[scoffs; incredulously; not liking the attitude]'' Oh, oh, okay, so this is ''my'' fault now, huh, Raph? ''[raising his voice]'' I'm the ''only one'' that has to be responsible?!
:'''Raph:''' Hey, you're the &quot;trained master&quot;, not me.
:'''Mikey:''' ''[whispering; worried]'' Dudes, can it, here comes Splinter. ''[quickly drops his breakfast pizza slice and covers the bandaged spot on his head]''
:'''Splinter:''' ''[walks into the kitchen, singing in Japanese; happily and completely oblivious to the tension]'' Ooh, good morning, my sons.
:'''Leo, Donnie and Mikey:''' ''[simultaneously]'' Good morning, sensei.
:'''Raph:''' 'Sup?
:'''Splinter:''' ''[continues singing in Japanese]'' Every Ninja's day should start with a healthy breakfast. ''[Leo and Raph angrily glare at each other while eating their cereal. Donnie notices but Splinter doesn't]'' It fills me with pride to see you boys together again. If anyone needs me, I'll be watching my stories.
:'''Leo:''' ''[to Raph]'' Hothead.
:'''Raph:''' ''[to Leo]'' Splinter Jr.
:''[Splinter prepares to watch The Gilmore Girls.]''
:'''Splinter:''' ''[excitedly]'' Cody is ''going'' to break up with Donna. I just know it. ''[turns on the TV and sits down]''
:'''Announcer:''' We interrupt ''[[w:Gilmore Girls|The Gilmore Girls]]'' for this special news report.
:'''News Reporter:''' Monsters loose in the city? Strange reports are coming in tonight about a construction site incident that sounds like something out of science fiction.
:'''Splinter:''' (What?) ''[angrily]'' '''''Boys?!''''' ''[cut to the Turtles kneeling in front of Splinter]'' Leonardo, I am most disappointed in you. You are the eldest of your brothers. I was counting on you to bring order to the chaos of this family. This is why I have forbidden any surface activity. We cannot return to the surface to fight evil if we continue to fight each other.
:'''Leo:''' But, Master Splinter, how can I be expected to do so when Raph--?
:'''Splinter:''' ''[sternly; not in the mood for the blame game]'' There are ''no excuses'' when you are the leader, my student. (Got that?)
:''[Leo sighs in defeat and shame.]''
:'''Raph:''' We have to go out and find who's responsible for this. There ain't no other solution.
:'''Leo:''' ''[sighs; having had enough of violence]'' Save the brute vigilante junk for that Night Watchman.
:'''Raph:''' ''[annoyed]'' Ugh.
:'''Mikey and Donnie:''' Nightwatcher.
:'''Leo:''' ''[under his breath; bitterly]'' Yeah, whatever.
:'''Raph:''' ''[stands up to leave; coldly]'' I'm goin' out.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''April:''' ''[happily]'' Leo, you came back!
:'''Casey:''' ''[happily]'' Leo!
:'''Leo:''' Sorry, the reunion isn't under better circumstances.
:'''Mikey:''' ''[seeing April and Casey's apartment complex]'' Whoa-ho-ho. Nice pad, kids. ''[to Raph]'' Oh, hey, Raph.
:'''Donnie:''' ''[taking Raph's pulse]'' Well, his vital signs seem to be okay. ''[opens Raph's eye]'' Pupil dilation is normal. ''[shocked]'' Whoa. ''[sees a stone star on Raph's shell]''
:'''Leo and Mikey:''' ''[stunned]'' Whoa.
:'''Donnie:''' ''[pulls the stone star out of Raph's shell]'' Some sort of stone. Probably obsidian, I think.
:'''Leo:''' Well, is he gonna be all right
:'''Raph:''' ''[waking up; to Leonardo]'' Eh, you're still here? Go back to your jungle.
:'''Leo:''' Well, at least his personality's still intact.
:'''Donnie:''' And there's an engraving on it, looks... South American. That's your department, April.
:'''Casey:''' ''[holding a sleeping dart]'' Would it help things if I told you that those statues you collected for that Winters guy were shooting these things at me and Raph?
:'''April:''' ''[utterly horrified]'' &quot;The Legend... of Yaotl&quot;? It can't be. I-I-It was just a myth. A-A scary story the locals told kids around a campfire.
:'''Leo:''' ''[confused]'' Whoa, what are you talking about?
:'''April:''' They say... 3,000 years ago, some... great warrior actually found... a portal to another dimension. ''[camera fades to Yaotl]'' And when the portal opened, the energy from it gave the warrior ''eternal life''. But it also turned his generals to stone. What if this warrior just kept living forever? He would spend the rest of his days in regret, spending all of his riches and all of his power, trying to find a way to revive his stone generals. Maybe, just maybe, he's built a new empire. ''[camera pans to Winters' face, and he opens his eyes; fade back to April's apartment]'' But hey, like I said, it's just a myth.
:'''Donnie:''' ''[examining the dart]'' Hmmm. If you ask me, you guys, this has Winters' name written all over it.
:'''Leo:''' How do you figure that, Donnie?
:'''Casey and Mikey:''' Yeah.
:'''Donnie:''' ''[sarcastically smiling; annoyed]'' Because ''this'' has Winters' name ''written'' all over it.
:'''Raph:''' Now I know who to thank for the shot in the arm. ''[sits down]'' So where do we find this guy and his stone jokers?
:'''Leo:''' We're not going anywhere until we get Splinter's blessing.
:'''Raph:''' ''[angrily stands up; shocked that Leo would ask for permission to deal with this new threat]'' You're gonna stand here and quote a rulebook to me that you ain't been following for a ''year?!''
:'''Leo:''' ''[not in the mood to argue]'' Look, Raph, if you got something you wanna get off you're shell, now's the time. ''[through gritted teeth; almost yelling]'' But I'm not gonna ''stand here'' and debate Splinter's direct ''orders with you''.
:'''Raph:''' ''[pause; softly yet coldly]'' Fine, then. I quit.
:'''Casey:''' Hey, Raph. Don't do it, man. Sometimes just taking a breather is the best thing to do.
:'''Raph:''' Whatever.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leo:''' ''[after knocking off the Nightwatcher's helmet off]'' Good night, dark prince. ''[sees that the Nightwatcher is Raph; confused]'' Raph? ''[shocked and lost for words]'' What?
:'''Raph:''' ''[mule-kicks Leo; finally releasing his pent-up anger]'' You are so smug, ya know that? You think that the world revolves around you, don't ya? That we couldn't possibly survive without the ''[Leo spits blood]'' mighty and powerful Leonardo to guide us through our problems, huh? Well, I got a news flash for ya. ''[voice trembling]'' We got along ''just fine'' without you!
:'''Leo:''' ''[appalled]'' Oh, and ''this'' qualifies as &quot;just fine&quot;?! Dressing up like it's Halloween every night?! Risking the safety of our ''family''?! I mean, come on, what were you thinking?!
:'''Raph:''' Don't push it, Leo. You can't leave home and come back expecting us to ''fall'' in line again, like your little soldiers.
:'''Leo:''' Hey, ''I'' was training. Training to be a better leader, for ''you''! ''[grunts in frustration]'' Why do you hate me for that?!
:'''Raph:''' And whoever said I wanted to be ''led''?! I'm better off calling my own shots, now get used to it.
:'''Leo:''' ''You!'' Aren't! Ready! You're impatient, and hot-tempered, and more importantly, ''[venomously]'' I'm '''''better''''' than you.
:'''Raph:''' ''[laughs sarcastically; deeply offended]'' Oh, ya know something, big brother? ''[serious tone]'' I'd have to disagree with you on ''that'' one. ''[pulls out his sais and makes a &quot;bring it on&quot; motion with them]''
:'''Leo:''' ''[softly but very sternly; not wanting to hurt Raph]'' Don't do this, Raph.
:'''Raph:''' ''[defiantly]'' I'm done taking orders.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Donnie:''' That would be the swirling vortex to another world, I assume.
:'''Mikey:''' Cool. I want one.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raph:''' ''[hands Leo new katana blades to replace the broken ones]'' You're gonna need these if you're gonna lead us out of here.
:'''Leo:''' ''[warmly]'' I'm going to need ''you'' too.
:''[Winters screams as the stone Generals throw him across the lobby of the Winterscorp building.]''
:'''April:''' Winters?
:'''Mikey:''' Looks more like fall, get it?
:'''Donnie:''' Mikey, remember our talk.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''General Aguila:''' You fight well. You should join us.
:'''Raph:''' No, thanks. I'm good.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leo:''' They better hurry up with the last monster!
:'''Raph:''' I'm sure my man Casey's got it all under control!
:'''Leo:''' Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of.
:''[scene switches to April driving the Cowabunga Carl truck]''
:'''Casey:''' Can't this piece of junk go any faster?
:'''April:''' You wanna drive?
:'''Casey:''' I would, as a matter of fact.
:'''Karai:''' You would think they would be more concerned about the 13th monster. ''[Foot Ninja silently nods in agreement.]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Winters has just vaporized, due to the curse being broken. Golden particles fall to the floor.]''
:'''Mikey:''' ''[visibly unnerved]'' Okay, just a ''little'' bit creepy. ''[sneezes loudly]'' Oh, gross! I think he's in my n-- my n-- my n-- ''[sneezes again]'' Aw, gross. Somebody, give me a hankie! ''[disgusted groans]'' Now he's in my mouth. ''[more disgusted groans]'' Tastes awful!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Raph''': Look at you, ain't you cute? You want a butt kickin' little fella? Yes, you do. You do. Come on, I'm gonna drop-kick you to Hurty Town. Come on, little guy.
:''[Monster attacks Raph, who screams]''
:'''Big City Rock''': ''♪ Whoa, Black Betty, Ram-a-lam, yeah, Black Betty, ram-a-lam ♪''
:'''Raph''': Get off of me, you little monster!
:'''Big City Rock''': ''♪ Ram-a-lam, she's always ready, ram-a-lam, she's so rocksteady, ram-a-lam, whoa, Black Betty, ram-a-lam, whoa, Black Betty, ram-a-lam ♪''
:'''Raph''': Ow, you're scratching the helmet! ''[throws monster in fridge]'' Okay, that was different. ''[Monster comes back, attacking him again; to the monster]'' Hey, this thing ain't rustproof. Get off of me!
:'''Big City Rock''': ''♪ Whoa, Black Betty, ram-a-lam, yeah, Black Betty, ram-a-lam, she really gets me high... ♪''
:''[Song stops, just as the fridge falls on the monster; however, the monster bursts out, the same time the song resumes]''
:'''Big City Rock''': ''♪ Ram-a-lam, she's so rocksteady ♪''
:'''Raph''': Come on!
:'''Big City Rock''': ''♪ ...yea, Black Betty, ram-a-lam ♪''
:'''Raph''': ''[whacks monster with cooking pot, and then holds out two pills]'' How about a snack, little fella? ''[Monster runs toward Raph as he throws the pills]'' Catch! ''[Monster swallows the pills, which explode, causing the monster to, while screaming in pain, run around the restaurant, and jump through dining room window]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[last words]''
:'''Raph:''' ''[voiceover]'' We live together, we train together, we fight together, we stand for good, together. We are Ninjas. We strike hard, defend, protect and fade into the night. And there ain't no bad guy or monster gonna ever change that. That's what's important. And that's why we'll always be...brothers. ''[flies to the screen, as it cuts to black]'' Oh, I love bein' a turtle.

== About ''TMNT (film)'' ==
* It looked amazing and was a fun thrill ride. But I think the story was too complicated in the final product. A number of things led to that, from the type of story that Pete [Laird] wanted told, to my way of constructing a film, and to the studios trying to recut it at the last minute and make it a more, I guess, ‘straightforward’ kid film.
:* Kevin Munroe, [http://animatedviews.com/2014/director-kevin-munroe-revisits-imagis-tmnt-franchise/ &quot;Director Kevin Munroe revisits Imagi’s TMNT franchise&quot;], by Josh Armstrong, ''Animated Views'', August 19, 2014.

== Voice cast ==
* [[w:Nolan North|Nolan North]] - Raphael/Nightwatcher
* [[w:Mikey Kelley|Mikey Kelley]] - Michelangelo
* [[w:James Arnold Taylor|James Arnold Taylor]] - Leonardo
* [[w:Mitchell Whitfield|Mitchell Whitfield]] - Donatello
* [[w:Mako Iwamatsu|Mako Iwamatsu]] - Master Splinter (final film role)
* [[w:Patrick Stewart|Patrick Stewart]] - Max Winters/Yaotl
* [[Kevin Smith]] - Diner
* [[w:Laurence Fishburne|Laurence Fishburne]] - Narrator
* [[Zhang Ziyi|Ziyi Zhang]] - Karai
* [[Sarah Michelle Gellar]] - April O'Neil
* [[Chris Evans (actor)|Chris Evans]] - Casey Jones
* [[w:Kevin Michael Richardson|Kevin Michael Richardson]] - General Aguila

== External links ==
{{wikipedia-inline}}
*{{imdb title|id=0453556|title=TMNT}}
*{{rotten-tomatoes|id=teenage_mutant_ninja_turtles|title=TMNT}}
*[http://tmnt.warnerbros.com/ Official website]

{{Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles}}

[[Category:2007 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated action films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction films]]
[[Category:American children's animated science fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated superhero films]]
[[Category:Theatrically released animated superhero films]]
[[Category:Crime films]]
[[Category:Demon films]]
[[Category:Animated Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles films]]
[[Category:Animated films based on comics]]</text>
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    <title>Naruto: Shippūden</title>
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'''''[[w:Naruto#Naruto: Shippūden|Naruto: Shippūden]]''''' is an [[w:Anime|anime]] series and sequel to the ''[[w:Naruto|Naruto]]'' anime series. The series corresponds with the second half for [[w:Masashi Kishimoto|Masashi Kishimoto]]'s manga series known as [[w:List of Naruto chapters (Part II)|Part II]]. The second part of the series follows the adolescence [[w:Naruto Uzumaki|Naruto Uzumaki]] attempting to rescue [[w:Sasuke Uchiha|Sasuke Uchiha]]. However, Naruto also deals with the [[w:Akatsuki|Akatsuki]], which is used by the masked ninja Tobi to carry out a plan about an epic war.
{{unreferenced}}

==[[w:List of Naruto characters#Asuma Sarutobi|Asuma Sarutobi]]==
* ''[To Ino]'' Don't let Sakura surpass you, either...in love or Ninjutsu.
* ''[In a flashback]'' And this is where I stop being in charge. From now on, each of you will become captains and lead your own teams. Don't ever forget we were once &quot;Team 10!&quot;
* ''[Last words]'' I just want one last smoke...
* ''[To his father's (The Third Hokage) grave]'' I'm sorry for leaving Konoha and doing all those things without much thought.
* ...Now I'm glad I was born into the Sarutobi family.
* ''[Facing the Third Hokage's grave]'' You were one heck of a dad.
* ''[About Shikamaru]'' Shikamaru can think 10 steps ahead and consider 200 possible moves in a second. But his real strength is his knack for choosing the best one.
* ''[To his students]'' These earrings are a present for you three. Congratulations! Don't ever forget that the four of us were Team 10! And don't forget, these earrings are also symbols that your respective clans now consider you adults. I think you already know how the earring ceremony goes. When you finally return your hoop earrings to your clansmen, that's the moment you grow up. Get to it!
* ''[To Shikamaru]'' The kings...are the unborn children...who will grow up to take care of Konoha. One...is still in Kurenai's womb...her and my child. Take care of my king.
* ''[To Choji]'' Stop crying and fight me, you worthless fatass!
* That's what I want to see, Choji. That face...that's all you need to become stronger than anyone. A face brimming with confidence!
* Finishing me off with my own weapon? I'm so moved, I can't move!
* ''[To Shikamaru, Ino, Choji]'' Then let me add to them with something I couldn't say back then... I've got nothing more to say to you three. Your Ino-Shika-Chou formation was perfect!

==[[w:List of Naruto characters#Chiyo|Chiyo]]==
* I have too many regrets to die just yet.
* And Sakura... do not risk your life for an old hag next time. Save what is important to you.
* ''[To Naruto]'' I'm happy that someone like has you appeared in the world of shinobi that we foolish old people created. Everything I've ever done was a mistake. But now, at the end, it looks like I'll finally be able to do the right thing. The Sand and the Leaf.. ''[Looks up at the sky]'' Their future will be much different than the way things were back in my day. ''[Looks back down]'' That strange power of yours that Kakashi mentioned.. That power will have a strong influence on the future. Become a Hokage like none before you.
* Naruto... a request from an old woman. You are the only one who knows Gaara's pain... Gaara also knows your pain. Please, save Gaara...
* I'm retired now, I can do whatever I want!
* Haha, I tricked you! I was only pretending to be dead.
* Don't treat me like a old lady!
* It's been a long time... Since I've seen my grandson
* Youth... Is something that holds such possibilities.

==[[w:List of Naruto characters#Choji Akimichi|Choji Akimichi]]==
* I'm not fat! I'm big boned!
* Dad...you were protecting me...
* I always thought that things would kind of just fall into place. I thought that when I got older, I'd get bigger and stronger, and my mind would be tougher. I thought the oath was just a stupid ceremony.
* I solemnly swear that as sixteenth head of the Akimichi clan, I will defend the oath taken by the fifteenth generation, and raise the seventeenth to protect it. In order to protect both the Yamanaka and Nara clans, and to protect Konoha, I, Choji Akimichi, do hereby emerge from my cocoon as a fully grown butterfly...and take flight!
* ''[To Shikamaru while coming to Naruto's aid during the war]'' Naruto's stupid and I'm fat...that was always the joke...but people aren't what they seem! ''[In thought]'' Wait for me, slightly-stupid Naruto! Slim Choji is coming to back you up!

==Choza Akimichi==
* That's one down, Kakashi!
* [''On Kakashi''] He already worked out what his opponent's ability was and set up a substitute clone. Kakashi's habits haven't changed since the last time I teamed up with him. He's full of clever tricks, as usual.
* Don't get soft on me, Choji! You're a sixteenth generation Akimichi. Act like it!
* The mark on the right is the Akimichi clan's symbol, see? Let's see...the centre one's the Nara clan's, and the left is the Yamanaka's. We've each mastered some very rare secret ninja techniques. They have a special relationship; our three clans have teamed up and worked together for generations. To strengthen our unity, it's tradition that the Sarutobi gave us gifts of special earrings that we present to each generation when they swear their oaths. (...) It's so we never forget the oath we take. The earring's always there, whispering it into our ear. You're going to have to get pierced too someday. You'll wear my earring from the day you become a genin to the day you become a chuunin. 
* [''After giving Choji his earrings''] You're a man now, son. Someday, you'll have your own children to raise and protect, and loan these new earrings with your oath in them.
* You know how Asuma's always telling you you're lacking something, Choji? It's ''confidence!'' Look at your old man! ''I'' got married, didn't I?
* Choji! You grew wings without taking the pills!
* [''To Shikamaru''] Sorry Choji's been such a pain to deal with. But that's all over. He's now worthy of being the sixteenth head of the Akimichi.

==[[w:List of Naruto characters#Danzo|Danzo Shimura]]==
* ''[To Sai]'' Don’t use a fake smile like that in front of me.
* ''[Speaking of Sandaime Hokage]'' That old man was always afraid of getting into disputes and making decisions.
* Emotion leads one to hate… and hate leads one to conflict and war.
* The princess did become Hokage after all. With Katsuyu's techniques, she'll be able to prevent total annihilation... but there will still be some causalities. Those are a necessary sacrifice for us. In order for me to become Hokage.
* ''[Last Words, while thinking about Third Hokage]'' You are the leaves bathing in the sun, I... am the roots that grow in the dark.

==[[w:List of Naruto antagonists#Deidara|Deidara]]==
&lt;span id=&quot;Deidara&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;
* True art is an explosion!
* I gotta say, this village's design is pretty artistic. Means it's really worth destroying.
* &quot;Thing&quot;?  Philistine!  Some people wouldn't know true art if it bit them on the face.
* Look at those fools. They have no appreciation for art. You have to feel art. And true art...is an EXPLOSION!&quot; 
* ''[To Gaara]'' It'll be troublesome to be attacked from below. Plus... I'm tired of looking at your expressionless face!
* ''[About Gaara]'' Snaring you alive was rough, but this is one more we can scratch off our list. 
* If an artist doesn't get high levels of inspiration, his sentiments are dulled... 
* That explosive power is my masterpiece
* (about Naruto) There's no mistake. He's the Jinchuriki. The one who bursts in and starts barking. Itachi actually described him quite accurately.
* ''[To Naruto]'' Better listen to your sensei, kid.  ''[knocks on Gaara's face]''  This guy's been dead for a while, now.
* ''[To Naruto]'' You're a odd Jinchuriki, aren't ya?
* My man Sasori was beaten by that little brat, and the old hag. Leaving a thing of eternal beauty for the future? Yeah, right. All he did was get killed. He was overconfident about that puppet; the old fool exposed his weakness. Oh well, it's still an ending worthy of an art.
* Death by suffocation! ''[Deidara throws his legs around Tobi's neck]''
* ''[About Sasuke]'' You were only able to kill Orochimaru thanks to Uchiha blood .... hmmm? You've just blessed with good genes... so quit acting so smug!
* Art is something that blossoms for an instant before withering away. Art is beauty that last for just a moment. To me, the essence of art is... AN EXPLOSION!
* ''[About Sasuke]'' Oh, such malice! I like these eyes of his, Tobi! Hmm!
* Life's only beautiful because it's so fleeting, so transient.
* ''[To Tobi]'' If I had to keep my patience with you in a bag, it’d be bursting at the seams! Say another word and I’ll make you wish you were never born!
* ''[To Tobi after defeating the Three-Tailed Beast]'' You wouldn’t have gotten anywhere without the artistic contribution of my explosive clay… it’s my art that deserves the praise here, uhn!
* ''[Last words]'' Cower in awe! Recoil in despair! Cry your heart out! Because my art... IS AN EXPLOSION!
* UHN!
* ''[Dragging Three-Tailed Beast]'' ...Hey Tobi, I said not to be overly talkative, but that's too quiet...a reply would be...''(Sees Tobi asleep, glares and explodes clay beside Tobi)'' Hey asshole, time to wake the hell up! Hmm!

==[[w:Gaara|Gaara]]==
* ''(Referring to Deidara's clay bird)'' There are no birds like that in the desert.
* ''(To Ohnoki)'' When did you all forsake yourselves.
* [ Gaara's Speech before departing for the Fourth Shinobi War] &quot;Three times now... We've fought world wars for our own nations, our own villages. We've hurt one another. We've hated one another. That hatred bred a lust for power, and that lust for power created ME. I was a Jinchuuriki, the embodiment of hatred and power. And I hated this world, and all the people in it... I wanted to destroy it with my own hands. The exact same thing Akatsuki is trying to do today. But one man, one ninja from Konoha stopped me. [Remembering Uzumaki Naruto's words]. I was his enemy, yet he wept for me! I hurt him, yet he called me his friend! He saved me! My enemy, my fellow Jinchuuriki... He suffered the same pain as me, yet bore no ill will! There are no enemies here because we've all suffered at Akatsuki's hand! SO THERE IS NO SAND, NO STONE, NO LEAF, NO MIST, NO CLOUD! THERE ARE ONLY SHINOBI! And if you still hold a grudge against the Sand, then when this war is over, come and take my head instead! Our enemies are after the friend who saved my life! If they take him, if we hand him over, our world is finished! I want to protect him, and I want to protect our world! But I'm too young to protect it all on my own! All of you lend me your aid!&quot;
* [To Tobi] &quot;Peace under an illusion is not true peace. It's only meaningful if the real world manages to accomplish it.&quot;
* &quot;For the sake of the ninja world and as the Kazekage, I will guard you with my life.&quot;
* [To Naruto in Land of Iron] &quot;If you're truly prepared to take up the mantle of a Kage, then as Sasuke's friend, you know what you have to do.&quot;
* [To Tobi] &quot;We won't give up hope.&quot;
* [To Naruto] &quot;Naruto… Just so you know, there will be a war to protect the Eight-Tails and Nine-Tails… in other words you. For the sake of the ninja world and as the Kazekage, I will guard you with my life. If as a member of Akatsuki, Sasuke Uchiha stands in the way of the ninja coalition… I will show him no mercy.&quot;
* [To Naruto in Land of Iron] &quot;I think of you as a friend. I used to think &quot;friend&quot; was just another word… Nothing more, nothing less. But when I met you, I realised what was important was the word's meaning.&quot;
* [To Tsunade about hiding Naruto] &quot;I know him well. He takes too many risks when it comes to his friends… that's why.&quot;
* [To Kankurō, when he asked about how Konoha will overcome Pain's destruction] &quot;He was the one who taught me to deepen my bond with my people. Thanks to him, I was able to regain my true self. That village has him, the one who cherishes a friend's bond more than anyone I know. Naruto Uzumaki…. Knowing him and the friends he holds so dear, they will overcome this disaster and grow even stronger from it.&quot;
* [To his father about Shukaku] &quot;Gone forever! I'm no longer the jinchūriki you created!&quot;
* [To his father] &quot;…Mother definitely was amazing… but, this is the first time you've ever given me &quot;medicine&quot;, father…&quot;

==[[w:List of Naruto antagonists#Hidan|Hidan]]==
&lt;span id=&quot;Hidan&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;

* My attacks are the slowest in Akatsuki and the least skilled, so I just can’t hit anything, seriously.
* You know, this assignment we’ve been given really doesn’t mix well with my beliefs. Carnage is the key precept of the faith of Jashin… the dogma doesn’t let me leave someone ''half'' dead.
* Tsk! Right after the verbal abuse. Man, Kakuzu, you really stink!
* Everything is prepared! Get ready, this is gonna hurt!
* As the other dies, their agony radiates through my body, and living through it is pure ecstasy!
* Now! Let's savour the utmost of suffering together!
* (After using his curse to fatally wound Asuma) Oh yeah, that hit the spot.

* ''Au revoir'', shitheads!
* How do you feel, knowing that you are fighting an immortal guy?
* I know it's annoying, but it's my religion!
* Jashin, please watch over me, this time, I am really going to do it, I am going to tear their intestines out...
* You... you little shit, When I get out I am going to tear you to threads, and then burn you to ashes, and then grind you to dust!

* Attacking the vitals is such a waste, this pain is what is best, where do you want it next? Or should I just end it now?

* DUDE! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THIS FREAKIN' HURTS?
* Finally you'll taste that pain... the pain that will kill you!
* [to Pain] Can't you freakin' wait a bit? It's just getting to the good part... seriously!
* I should curse that leader next time!

* ''[To Asuma]'' You cut my goddamned head off! This's like, hyper-mega-ultra pain!
* ''[Asking Kakuzu to bring his body over]'' Kakuzu-chan, pretty please? With sugar on top?
* You can't just go around getting killed outta nowhere. Man, you suck!

* (To Shikamaru) &quot;Does your village bury their dead? 'Cause it's gonna be a pain digging him up.&quot;
* (To Shikamaru before being buried alive): Don't say I didn't warn you! The day of retribution will come, and the Way of Jashin will punish you! Yes, and then I'll be the one passing judgment! My teeth, that's all I'll need; you'll see! And I'll tear you to pieces!

==[[w:List of Naruto characters#Hinata Hyuga|Hinata Hyuga]]==
* ''[To Pain while protecting Naruto]'' I wouldn't let you lay a finger on Naruto-kun!
* ''[Protecting Naruto from Pain]'' I'm here because I want to be. I've always cry and give up right away... always getting it wrong... Until you, Naruto-kun, showed me the right path to follow. I'd chased you forever... always wishing that someday I would catch up, always dreaming that we would walk side by side...Always trying to make it to where you were. You changed me! Your smile saved me from who I was! I'm not afraid to protect you, even if I die doing so! Because... I love you, Naruto-kun...
* ''[In her mind while running to Naruto's aid during the war]'' Naruto-kun...I've always...always been chasing after you...even...now. But...once this war ends, I'm going to stop once and for all. Next time, I'll be next to you, holding your hand...walking ''with'' you! Wait for me!  Obito Has become the ten tails Jinchuriki.

==[[w:List of Naruto characters#Ino Yamanaka|Ino Yamanaka]]==
* ''[After Shikamaru tells her that &quot;a weird guy&quot;(Sai) attacked]'' A weird guy?...like Naruto? Hey, that's Naruto! Hey, Naruto! Long time no see!
* ''[Thinking about lunch]'' I think I'll sit next to Sai.
* They're using their immortality to their advantage!
* ''[In her mind while coming to aid Naruto during the war]'' Thank you, daddy! You conveyed Naruto's powerful feelings to everyone...I have to make sure that foretelling...comes true!

==[[w:List of Naruto antagonists#Itachi Uchiha|Itachi Uchiha]]==
&lt;span id=&quot;Itachi Uchiha&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;
* ''[During a flashback]'' You can also activate the Mangekyou Sharingan as I did. But, there is one condition. You must kill...your closest friend.
* ''[Referring to Naruto]'' He's definitely improved skills. But...it's still not enough.
* The Hidden Mist Jutsu...  Certainly a good choice to make using Genjutsu more difficult.  But before my Sharingan, techniques like this are meaningless.
* ''[Answering Kisame]'' Sasuke is not dead. And besides, the storm has passed.
* Show yourself, Naruto Uzumaki...
* [To Naruto] You’re already trapped in my illusion.
* [To Naruto] ...You’re such a child. You talk of nothing but pipe dreams… there are times when a ninja must make painful choices. 
* [About Naruto to Deidara and Sasori] ...He's the one who bursts in... And barks first.
* [To Sasuke] Did you get a little taller?
* [To Sasuke] Tell me, Sasuke. What does your Sharingan see?
* [To Sasuke] You see me...dead?  Well then... ''[Itachi appears behind him]'' Let's see how good your eyesight is.
* ...Every human being relies on and is bounded by his knowledge and experience to live. This is what we call &quot;reality&quot;. However, knowledge and experience are ambiguous, thus reality can become illusion. Is it not possible to think that, all human beings are living in their assumptions?
* The Mangekyou Sharingan has a very unique characteristic...  From the day you awaken it, your eyes begin a slow descent into darkness.  The more you use them, the quicker the process moves...  Eventually, the kaleidoscope will lose its light.
* You were my spare! For decades, the Uchiha's killed their friends to obtain the Mangekyo Sharingan...and killed their siblings to make its power permanent! Our clan was tainted because they couldn't stop flaunting their power! Your fate was trenched in blood since the day you were born an Uchiha! Now face me, my little brother! Once I kill you, I'll be transformed... I'll be freed from this wretched clan's destiny!
* I'm sorry, Sasuke... this is my reality.  The light will not leave my world.
* [To Sasuke] During my Tsukuyomi, you saw an illusion of me ripping your eyes out of their sockets...I will make that ''dream'' a reality.
* Sasuke...  Are you finally out of techniques?  If you've got any more moves up your sleeve... I suggest you stop trying to use them...  Now the real fight begins.
* [To Sasuke] Your eyes belong to me now...I'll take them slowly...I want to savor this.
* [Last words, to Sasuke] I'm sorry, Sasuke.. ''[Pokes Sasuke's forehead]'' There won't be a next time.
* [During a flashback] As a hurdle you must overcome, I'll always be there for you. Even if you hate me...that's what being a big brother is.
* [To Kisame] We are humans, not fish. We don't know what kind of people we truly are until the moment before our deaths. As death comes to embrace you, you will realize what you are. That is what death is, don't you think?
* I'm counting on you to take care of Sasuke. ''[Naruto responds]'' That was my plan! ''[Itachi, replies]'' I was right to trust in you after all..
* [About Shisui's teachings to him] Self-sacrifice... A nameless shinobi who protects peace from within its shadow. That is a true shinobi. Shisui taught me that.
* ''[To Naruto]'' You have certainly become stronger... You gained power but you seem to be forgetting something very important... Listen and Remember. The reason the people of the village who used to hate you.. Started to to admire you and consider you their comrade is that you've always worked hard because you wanted to be acknowledged by them... 
* ''[To Naruto]'' If now that you are more powerful you start to forget about others, to be arrogant and to be attached to your ego. One day you will become just like Madara. No matter how powerful you become, never try to shoulder everything alone. Otherwise you will undoubtedly fail.
* ''[To Naruto]'' Your dream was your father's dream, wasn't it? Remember this well then. The village did not acknowledge him because he became Hokage. He became Hokage because the village acknowledged him. Don't forget your friends.
* &quot;(To Sasuke)&quot; I don't think something like perfection exists. That is why I think we are born able to absorb things and by comparing ourselves with something else, we can finally head in a good direction.
*[Last words to Sasuke after fading away] You never have to forgive me... No matter what you become...I will always love you.
*[Upon joining the party] Hey.

==[[w:Jiraiya (Naruto)|Jiraiya]]==
&lt;span id=&quot;Jiraiya&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;
* You don't understand a woman's heart at all...
* ''[To Naruto]'' A good teacher will develop good disciple..
* Looks like you've trained another 'Tsunade'.
* It's time to unveil my latest masterpiece novel! It's been a good three years since I released the famous novel &quot;Make Out Paradise&quot;! This is the greatest creation from my soul! It will make you lose track of time, forget to breathe, and even forget who you are! It's &quot;Make Out Tactics&quot;!
* ''[About Naruto]'' I have to admit, I've come to think of him as my own grandson...
* I can’t believe flat little Tsunade grew such massive boobs and became Hokage! Times sure do change… even you, beautiful as you were, are a 50 year-old bag now. It saddens me to think how your love for those you have lost to death stays inside those jugs of yours… if that’s the case, they’ll probably get even bigger.
* Now my job is to help the next generation, and set a good example for them. And for that I will gladly put my life on the line, and I’ll be smiling the whole time. It’s about the only cool thing old farts like me can do.
* Getting dumped always makes a man stronger. And if he hasn’t experienced it enough to be able to laugh and joke about it, or at least use it as material, he can’t fulfill his duties as a man.
* Men aren’t meant to pursue happiness. 
* Why do all of you have the Rinnegan?
* ''[To Pain]'' Are you Nagato ..or Yahiko?
* ''(sigh)'' ...You never change, do you Tsunade?
* Flooded with anger, I cry tears of blood! The hermit of the legendary sennin! The toad sage of the mysterious Myoboku Mountain! The great Jiraiyaaaaaah!
* You can never overestimate your opponent enough, no matter who he is. I taught you that a long time ago, Nagato…
* ''[After he believes he has defeated Pain]'' Nagato... you have made a mistake in your role ''[reflects on teaching him]'' Instead of guiding the world with pain, you should overcome the pain with your strength. That is what I hoped you would accomplish ''[Reflects on the Toad Sage predicting his training the &quot;destined child&quot;]'' Though only for a little while... I believed in you. Farewell...
* ''[Final thoughts]'' I guess it's finally time to put down my pen... Oops.. right... I need a title for the next book... let's see... ah, got it... &quot;The Tale of Naruto Uzumaki&quot;. Perfect.
* The true measure of a shinobi is not how he lives but how he dies. It's not what they do in life, but what they did before dying that proves their worth...
* The most important thing of a shinobi to have is the spirit and the guts to never give up.
* Never give up thats the choice I had to make! Naruto... You're the &quot;Destined Child&quot;... I know it. The rest is up to you!
* The student's ninja way should be the master's too. Right Naruto?
* ''[In a flashback]'' I believe that someday the day will come when people truly understand one another!
* ''[In a flashback]'' Being hurt inevitably breeds feelings of hatred towards your attacker. But when we hurt others, we have to deal with their hatred for us, and our own feelings of guilt. But knowing what it feels like to be hurt is exactly why we try to be kind to others. That’s what makes us human.
* ''[In a letter]'' Tsunade, a person grows up when he's able to overcome hardships. Protection is important, but there are some things that a person must learn on his own.
* ''[reflecting on his life]'' A tale is only as good as its final events, the plot twist. And mistakes are an important part of the plot too! I lived my life believing my lessons are what honed me. In return... I swore to accomplish a deed so great it would obliterate all my past failures... and die a splendid shinobi!
* ''[to younger kakashi]'' you know people should talk to others everyday even if its a small talk otherwise their hearts will grow dark and serious.Talking to others builds bonds, and makes you feel grateful that you're alive. That's the  kind of creatures we humans are

* ''[Jiraiya - most powerful ninja]'' Jiraiya's life as a wanderer did not him, one of Konoha's most powerful ninja. Even when he had nothing to rely on, he still maintained his good spirit and reliability. He was responsible for bringing back Tsunade, which one day would became the fifth Hokage. He sacrificed everything to protect his village &amp; Naruto, his protégée.

==[[w:List of Naruto antagonists#Jugo|Jugo]]==
* You're being reckless, Suigetsu.
* Someone’s here… boy or girl? A guy… if it’s a guy, I’ll kill him. Jackpot! You’re dead!
* Kill… I wanna kill… someone… anyone…
* Kimimaro said Sasuke was like his reincarnation... and sacrificed himself to protect him. ''[to Sasuke]'' I want to see what kind of shinobi you really are.
* ''[To Sasuke]'' I can't let you die. You're all I have left to remember Kimimaro.

==[[w:List of Naruto antagonists#Kabuto Yakushi|Kabuto Yakushi]]==
&lt;span id=&quot;Kabuto Yakushi&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;
* All I fell prey to was Lord Orochimaru’s magnificent way of thinking.
* You should know what it's like, Naruto, the pain of not having a true identity. Are you Naruto Uzumaki, or the  Nine-tails? Had you ever wondered &quot;What am I? ''Who'' am I?&quot; when others stared at you with cold, hate-filled eyes?
* With Lord Orochimaru now integrated into this body, I plan on finding a new me. One stronger than Lord Orochimaru himself!
* Not having things in proper order annoys me to no end...
* ''[To Sasuke]'' Which one... are you?
* ''[To Sasuke]'' As always, you forget to mind your mouth in front of Lord Orochimaru...
* ''[To Naruto]'' But you.. You chose to believe in your own power. That you are Naruto Uzumaki. With great persistence, you overcame the gazes directed at the Nine-Tails, and that's why you came to know your identity, gaining friends along with that realization.
* Lord Orochimaru immediately tried to acquire that power... but... he didn't yet possess a body that could tolerate it... That's why he couldn't become the Sage that I have become!
* ''[To Itachi and Sasuke]'' As I recall, you brothers hated each other...And now you plan to fight me side by side...Interesting!
* ''[To Itachi and Sasuke]'' Go on! Tremble before my power! The power of a Sage!
* ''[To Itachi after commenting his serpentine Sage Mode]'' Snake? I am no longer a snake. With these perfect Sage powers, I've shed my snake skin... and become a dragon!
* I have every ability there is! No one can touch me! Your fate was already in my hands.
* ''[To Itachi]'' My name is a code... My glasses are a tool... I've been no one... from the start. From the very start... I had nothing.
* ''[To Itachi]'' A genius that had everything will never understand... I just want to become myself.

==[[w:Kakashi Hatake|Kakashi Hatake]]==
&lt;span id=&quot;Kakashi Hatake&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;
* Hey! My bad, my bad! Actually, on my way here, I saw an old woman who needed help...
* Back then, we had Sasuke with us... ''[Naruto and Sakura each go through a flashback of before Sasuke left Konoha, then fall to the ground in sadness.]'' ''[Kakashi sweatdrops]'' Sasuke's name is a taboo among these two.
* My, you guys have certainly become stronger.
* ''[Holds up the bells he used during Team 7's first practice mission]'' Well, I'm going to see how much you two have improved. You haven't given up on Sasuke, right?
* You've matured, Naruto. But... it looks like you're as impatient as ever. I haven't even said start yet.
* What insane strength. The Fifth has been teaching Sakura more than just medical ninjutsu...
* Naruto has a mysterious power... even without saying much he can become friends with anyone quickly.
* ...Can't say I'm used to hearing you whine...this isn't like you at all. What happened to the Naruto Uzumaki I used to know?
* ''[to Naruto]'' You're the only shinobi able to surpass the Yondaime Hokage. That's what I believe.
* ''[to Kakuzu]'' You got matched with the wrong guy. Now it ends!
* The next generation will always surpass the previous one. It’s one of the neverending cycles in life.
* ''[to Naruto]'' The bigger the jutsu, the bigger the risk it places on the user. Keep that in mind.
* ''[On leaving Naruto behind to help Shikamaru]'' What do you mean... I'm not of any use any more as far as he's concerned.
* While I'd like to act cool and say, &quot;You go on ahead&quot;, I won't be able to hold him off by myself.
* ''[After Pain asks where Naruto is]'' That's a stupid question.
*''[After barely dodging Naruto's 'A Thousand Years of Death']'' That would have been the end for me, it more ways than one.
*''[On Naruto]'' Jutsu that were beyond the Fourth Hokage are well within his command. I guess it's time to pass the torch... he has surpassed me. 
*''[Thinking]'' Can you sense it? You are always before his eyes... inspiring him. You make him strong, you do know that... don't you, Sasuke?
* ''[About Naruto and Sakura]'' I miss the cute students who'd react to every little thing I say.
* ''[On Kankuro]'' Making a success from a failure.. You are indeed a shinobi of the sand.
* ''[When trapped in before Pain]'' You can cry later, Choji. If you can still move...tell Tsunade...about Pain's powers. You have to figure out a way to fight him. Save your surprise for later. You have to tell her about Pain. Run! Don't let Choza's sacrifice have been for nothing!
* With my current chakra level, his whole body is out of the question. And if I use Kamui again, that'll be the last of my stamina and my chakra, and without a doubt...I'll die! But right now, I have to entrust the living with this info. That's the best thing I can do right now to save Konoha! 
* Obito...looks like this is as long as I'll be able to be your eyes. I wasn't able to protect Rin. I broke my promise to you...forgive me. Obito...Rin...Sensei...I'll..be there soon.
* [''To Sasuke at Kage Summit Bridge''] Sasuke...there's more to you than just your clan...more than just hatred. Take another look...deep inside your heart.
*''[When faced with the prospect of having to kill Sasuke]'' No matter how far Orochimaru fell, he still loved him... Now I know how the Third Hokage felt.
* I also have important things that I want to protect, as a shinobi.
* Look. It takes a lot to get me worked up, but this time my boiling point is as low as it's ever been. The Copy Ninja Kakashi, the man who copied one thousand techniques, is about to go on a rampage!
* ''[When naruto and sasuke were struggling to get the tailed beasts out of Obito]'' Even if it's someone they used to make fun of, when people see someone trying twice as hard as others they instinctively start wanting to lend a hand, that's because people eventually learn that they only have each other to fill the holes in their hearts.

==[[w:List of Naruto antagonists#Kakuzu|Kakuzu]]==
* The only thing you can count on is money.
* ''[To Hidan]'' I paired with you because you said that religion would be a good source of money… I have to manage Akatsuki’s finances, why don’t you try wearing my shoes for a moment?
* Another 35 million of ryo. Excellent.
* Even in Hell, money takes precedence.
* It was over the moment you thought you had my abilities figured out. See, unlike my partner, I actually think. Even if you analyze every aspect of the battle, things don't always go as you plan.
* There is just too much of a difference in battle experience between you and me. Looking at your forehead protector reminds me of the very first Konoha shinobi I fought... Shodai Hokage, that is! 
* Kakashi... I'm going to replace the heart you took out with yours!
* ''[To Shikamaru]'' You're pretty clever, unlike this idiot of a partner...

==[[w:List of Naruto characters#Kankuro|Kankuro]]==
* ''(An elder talks down on Gaara)'' Say that to my face! I dare you!
* Gaara will never harm the villagers. No matter what.
* It doesn't matter whether you're a Chunin or not.
* Elder Chiyo used ''that'' technique...
* Sasori. Your strength came ''because'' of your soul, not in spite of it. You tried to erase it, to become a puppet yourself, but you couldn't change completely. I know this because you put your heart and soul into the puppets you created. ''That's'' the part of them that never decays. Now you've got your immortal body, but you've fallen, sunk to the level of the puppets you used to control. You were supposed to be a top-class ninja puppeteer, not a worthless nobody who lets someone else pull the strings!

==[[w:List of Naruto antagonists#Karin|Karin]]==
* I sense a whole lot of Chakra nearby!
* ''[To Suigetsu]'' What the hell are you, a kappa? Get up off your ass and stop drinking all that water!
* ''[Thinking]'' Yes! I finally have Sasuke all to myself!
* Come on! Bite me, Sasuke! Hurry!
* [''In thought, as Sasuke was about to kill her''] I wish I could see your face again as it was Sasuke...
* ''[Talking about Naruto]'' He's... like the exact opposite of Sasuke. Even his chakra... it's warm and bright.

==[[w:List of Naruto characters#Kiba Inuzuka|Kiba Inuzuka]]==
* You've really grown, Naruto.
* My nose has become stronger than any ninja hound's.
* ''[on the mission to retrieve Sasuke]'' You weren't with us last time, Shino! You'd better work twice as hard!
* You can't hide from my nose, loser!
*''[Talking about Naruto]'' You still shouldn't have just let him get away. You're already a legend for defeating Pain. Sasuke should be no problem.
*''[In his mind while running to Naruto's aid during the war]'' Naruto...I marked you a long, long time ago...as my rival! Take care of Madara 'till I get there!

==[[w:List of Naruto characters#Killer bee|Killer Bee]]==
* The sun’s killer on my eyes. Is it noon already? Fucking damn it!
* ''[To Sasuke]'' I’m in a good mood. I was just able to write an awesome rhyme, thank you. 
* Now you’re gonna feel my hooks.
* I float… like a butterfly. And sting like a bee! ‘Cause I’m the Eight-tailed Beast.
* In order to break the illusion, I need a partner who can disturb my chakra and snap me out of it. My partner is the beast inside me. Illusions won’t work on a host who can control their beast. 
* When I transform into my true form, a beast you must meet, yeah. Cower before the power of the beast.
* The only one who gets to interrupt me is me.
*[Rapping about a chakra sensor] Yeah, I saw it! Not two, not triple. And that freak put it right above her ni- [Whacked by Hachibi]

==[[w:List of Naruto antagonists#Kisame Hoshigaki|Kisame Hoshigaki]]==
&lt;span id=&quot;Kisame Hoshigaki&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;
* ''[Speaking to Itachi, who is standing in the rain looking at the sky]'' Look, I'm not sure what you're thinking, and given how ruthless you are, it's strange to say this... But from here, it looks like you're crying.
* ''[mistakenly believing that Sasuke is dead]'' It's certainly a shame about your little brother. You're now the sole member of the Uchiha clan.
* ''[to Gai]'' You really have a talent of getting on people's nerves. I suppose I'll toy with you until you remember. 
* I take back what I said. You have the brain of an ''insect'', not a beast.
* The ability to turn a gloomy organization cheerful, Tobi was a skilled man at that.
* Sasuke, if you would please continue on by yourself... Itachi would prefer that the rest of us stay here.
* I will enjoy shaving a few layers off you.
* I knew that from the first time I had to kill my comrades...kill a Kirigakure ninja as a Kirigakure ninja. What does that make me? Am I a friend or foe? What is my purpose and my position? Where do I go? Where ''can'' I go? I'm well aware that my whole life has been one giant lie. 
* ''[To Itachi]]'' Sharks start out as eggs, but incubate and hatch in the womb. Sometimes, the number of pups is less than the number of eggs that were fertilised. Do you know why? ''Cannibalism.'' The pups start eating each other within the mother's womb the moment they hatch. They start killing their siblings the moment they enter the world, viewing everything they see as nothing more than prey. As of today, you and I are fellow members of Akatsuki. So be careful...of ''me''.
* Itachi. It seems in the end...I'm not so terrible after all.

==[[w:List of Naruto antagonists#Konan|Konan]]==
* [To Jiraiya] That time, you should have listened to what Orochimaru said, but you saved us instead. Now, it's too late, as we have embraced his ideals.
* ''[after hearing of Naruto's strength]'' Spare us your words of fear and warning. They are wasted on us. Pain has never yet lost a battle.
* The sky cries again… Pain… you…
* ''[To Jiraiya]'' I must kill you. That is the will of god.
* If you kill Nagato and get your revenge, that won't change anything. It'll only make you feel better.
* ''[On Naruto]'' Such a strange child, to have changed Nagato completely.
* You try to find meaning in death.. But there's only pain and hatred that you don't know what to do with it.
* [To Yahiko and Nagato] Yahiko and Nagato, I will be the support that holds both our bridges up.
* [To Naruto] Nagato believed in you, so I believe in you, too. 
*[To Naruto] This time, I hope for you that these will be the flowers of hope that will never die.
* [To Madara] I knew you'd come and find me eventually. I've been waiting for my chance to destroy you. 
* [On Naruto] He is light personified. That's why everyone he meets carries the flower called '''hope'''!
* [To Tobi] One question, Madara; do you understand why we betrayed you? Because you are '''darkness''', a world without light where flowers can only wither and die!
*[To Tobi] Yahiko and Nagato's will hasn't vanished from this world! I believe in Naruto too! He will become the bridge that leads us to peace, and I will be a support holding the bridge up!

==[[w:List of Naruto characters#Konohamaru|Konohamaru]]==
&lt;span id=&quot;Konohamaru&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;
* I'm going to be the Seventh Hokage in the future!
* ''(Tsunade enters, expecting Team Gai)'' All right! An &quot;S&quot; Rank Mission!
*''(While crying at Asuma's funeral and Naruto calming him)'' Uncle Asuma!
* I am a Genin of the Sarutobi clan, named after this village!  I am Konohamaru Sarutobi, and don't you forget it!

==Kushina Uzumaki==
*[''Pregnant with Naruto''] Naruto...It's a beautiful name.
*[''To Naruto''] I...I was the Nine-Tailed Fox's previous Jinchuuriki.
*[''About Naruto and Sasuke during her flashback''] Naruto and Sasuke will be in the same academy together, right? I hope they will become friends!
* I can still...do it...Minato [''uses Chakra Chains to restrain Nine-Tails'']
*[''To Minato before sacrificing herself''] Minato...don't be so sad...I'm happy...you loved me...and...today...is Naruto's birthday. Most of all...if I were to imagine myself alive, and our future as a family of three...I can't see us being anything but happy...and if I were allowed...just one regret...I wish that I could have seen Naruto grow up...
*[''To Minato about sealing baby Naruto''] He's our son. Which is exactly why, I don't want him to bear such a heavy burden! Why?..Why the Reaper Death Seal?! There's no need for you to die...just so I can meet the grown-up Naruto in a short amount of time...! I rather for you to have stayed with Naruto and watched him grow up! So why does Naruto have to be sacrificed...for the Biju balance, for the country, and for the village...?! Why do you have to sacrifice yourself for my sake?!
* [''Words of advice to baby Naruto''] Naruto...don't be a picky eater, eat alot and grow big and strong! Take your bath everyday...go to bed early and sleep well. Study hard on your Ninjutsu...I was never very good at it...maybe you will...everyone is good at some things and not so good at others...and if things don't go so well...don't get so depressed. At the academy, listen to your teachers. Make friends! It doesn't matter how many...just make sure that they're people you can really trust....and a few is enough! Regarding the Three Prohibitions of the shinobi, be careful when you loan and borrow money, make sure to save your missions pay carefully, and no drinking alcohol until your 20...too much sake is harmful for your body. As for girls...well...I'm a girl so I don't really know what to say...but sooner or later, you'll want a girlfriend and that's normal...just...don't fall for a strange one...try to find someone...like ''me''. Oh...one more thing...watch out for Jiraiya-sensei...dattebane!
*[''Final words to baby Naruto''] Naruto...there's going to be hard and painful times ahead...take good care of yourself...! Find a goal...a dream...and don't stop trying until it comes true![''Crying''] There's...there's...there's so much more I want to tell you...to teach you...I want to stay with you longer...I love you.
*[''To Naruto, before disappearing in the light''] Naruto...thank you for letting me be you mother...and Minato for being your father...thank you...for being born to us!
* [''To the Nine tails during the beast's flashback''] Neither of us has any luck, do we? You keep the world at bay...but I keep ''you'' at bay.

==Madara Uchiha==
* ''[to Kurama]''Nine-Tails, you are merely a momentary life, a temporary existence of coalesced energy… energy that once part of single, ultimate form! An unstable force, lacking in intelligence or sapience, you require one to give you purpose. This one of the Uchiha! The tailed beasts are but slaves to those with blessed eyes. Now obey!

*''[to Obito]'' Know this, where there is light in this world, there is also shadow. As long as there are victors, there must also be losers. The selfish desire of desiring peace causes wars and hatred is born from protecting love.

*''[To Obito]'' I taught you that in order to control people, you need to use the darkness in their hearts. And if there's no darkness, then you just create it.

==Manda==
&lt;span id=&quot;Manda&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;
* ''[last words, to Sasuke]'' I... You used... Me... You... Brat... Those eyes... With those eyes... I... was manipulated... How dare you... how dare you...

==[[w:List of Naruto characters#Might Guy|Might Guy]]==
* One thing's for sure... ''(referring to Kisame clone)'' I have no clue who he was...
* ''[fighting his double]'' As expected of myself...
* Oh, I'm just fine!  I'm a really fast healer! Hahahah-- ''[hits his head on a tree branch]''
* [after Guy and Lee race back to Konoha] &quot;My dear Lee, you did not come in second place, you came in third. I was carrying Kakashi so he came in second... you are a pretty lucky guy, Kakashi.&quot;
* He was a worthy opponent, a man who lived and died like a real shinobi. Kisame Hoshigaki. I'll remember that name for the rest of my life.

==[[w:List of Naruto characters#Minato Namikaze|Minato Namikaze]]==
* Each chapter really seems like a page out of your own life, sensei. It almost reads like an autobiography.
* We want to raise our child to be a shinobi like the one in your book! That's why we've decided to name him after the main character in your book.
* You're a man of true skill... An example we should all follow. I can't think of a finer shinobi than you.
* The way the protagonist refused to give up, even at the end... that was really cool. He's just like you, sensei.
* ''[Appearing in Naruto's mind after release of the 8th Tail]'' I prayed I'd never see your face again, demon fox. But even in these circumstances, meeting my grown-up son is something of a pleasure. We'll call it even.
* ''[To Nine-tailed fox]'' Saying your going to rip me to shreds isn't going to make me come closer to you.
* Trying to save the things we love breeds war.  As long as love exists, there will be hatred, and ninjas will be continue being used by that hatred.  As long as the ninja system exists, the hatred will create another creature like Pain.
* To be a ninja is to confront hatred.
* I have faith in you, Naruto.
* [''To Kushina about sealing Baby Naruto''] Turning your back on the village and the country...is just as bad as abandoning a child. Kushina...you should understand...you saw your own country fall apart. You know the pain of growing up without a home of your own...and you know that we ''are'' a family...of ''Shinobi!'' Besides, even if I lived...I could never substitute for you. There are things Naruto needs to be told, things that I could never say myself. That's the mother's job to carry it out...even if you have the shortest amount of time to do so. I'm not doing this just for you...I'm doing this for Naruto. Dying to make his child have a better life...that's the father's job.
* [''Final words to baby Naruto''] Naruto...my words to you as your father...[''Smiling''] listen to your motor-mouthed mom.

==[[w:Naruto Uzumaki|Naruto Uzumaki]]==
&lt;span id=&quot;Naruto Uzumaki&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;
* This brings back memories! This place hasn't changed at all! Everyone, Naruto Uzumaki has returned!
* Dattebayo!
* Believe It!
* ''[to Konohamaru about the sexy jutsu]'' Konohamaru, sorry, but I'm not a kid anymore. From now on, you shouldn't use that jutsu either. It's beneath you. ''[Sakura starts thinking he has grown up]'' That jutsu is too weak, Konohamaru! Behold! The new Harem Jutsu I've been developing!
* Pervy Sage was merciless! He worked me so hard, the forehead protector you gave me fell apart. And all my clothes got so ratty, I had to get a new outfit.
* There's no need to hide it...The Kyuubi is sealed inside of me. ''[Clutches heart]'' Gaara and I are the same... We both have monsters locked inside us. That's what those guys are after. I... '''HATE IT!''' They just see us as monsters! As means to an end! He was just like I was and he fought all on his own a lot longer than I did. He's been targeted by the Akatsuki! We're the same, again! And despite that... Why does everything bad always have to happen to him?! It's always him! That's why... That's why I can't waste a second! This time, I want to save him as fast as I can!
* [losing control of the Nine Tails] Give Sasuke back...! You give him back...!
* [before slowly becoming insane] You don't own him...! Sasuke doesn't belong to you...! Don't you talk about Sasuke, like you own him...! Especially in front of me, '''YOU ROTTEN BASTARD!'''
* Where are you? Where are you? Sasuke!
* If so, then why...? Why didn't you kill me then?! Isn't that your way of breaking bonds?! Sasuke!
* How can I become Hokage if can't even save one of my friends? What do you think, Sasuke?
* ''[yelling at Chiyo]'' If you Sand Shinobi hadn't put that monster in him, none of this would be happening! You have no idea what kind of pain he went through... The suffering and torment he experienced. You have no right to judge us... To brand us and think you're better.
* ''[To Sai]''  That's it!  I will ''never'' accept you;  Not as a friend, not as a comrade, and not as a member of Team Seven!
* I couldn't save Sasuke... I couldn't save Gaara... I've trained for three years and nothing's changed!
* ''[To Sai]'' Haven't you ever heard of the word &quot;Friend?&quot;
* ''[To Orochimaru]'' In my presence, don’t you dare talk of Sasuke as though he belongs to you!
* Everything here is so nostalgic. Hm? ''[Looks at the mountain encarved with the faces of the Hokages]'' They added Granny Tsunade's old mug to the mountain!
* [To Sai about Sakura] She loves Sasuke so much.
* Fights aren’t decided ‘til the very end, and we’re just getting started!
* Just how long does Kakashi-sensei plan on making us wait?!
* You aren't going to fight while reading a book this time, Kakashi-sensei?
* ''[To Itachi]'' Sasuke is like a brother to me... More of one than you ever were to him!
* ''[Seeing Deidara sitting on dead Gaara]'' '''YOU! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!'''
* I meant &quot;wind&quot; is the only thing that can keep a &quot;fire&quot; from dying away and turn it into an even bigger power.
* ''[On attacking Kakuzu with his new technique]'' It's true that teamwork is important...and I know that, but I want to cross this dangerous bridge myself. If I can't get to the other side, I'll stay a kid forever. ''[Sasuke's face appears in his mind]'' Please don't take that bridge away.
* ''[Attacks Tobi]'' Get out of our way!
* ''[Threatening Deidara after Gaara's death]'' I'll kick the crud out of you!
* Way back, I used to hate Sasuke... But once I got used to being with him I realized he's really a lot of fun... to be around...he's the person that, more than anyone else accepted me and my existence. Sasuke is my friend... and he represents bonds that I waited so long to receive, so that's why...
* It doesn't matter how strong my opponent is. If he tears off my arms, I'll just kick him dead. If he tears off my legs, I'll bite him dead. If he tears off my head, I'll stare him dead. If he gouges out my eyes, then I'll curse him dead! Even if I get chopped into pieces, I'm gonna beat Orochimaru and take my friend, Sasuke, back once and for all!
* ''[To Zetsu]'' YO, ALOE VERA! WHERE'S SASUKE!?
* ''[To Tsunade]'' If Jiraiya was the Hokage instead of you, he never would have gone on this mission.
* I won’t bend my words. That’s what being a ninja means to me.
* ''[To Tsunade]'' There’s no need for Konoha’s Hokage to deal with the likes of these guys. You just go enjoy a nice cup of tea or something...
*''[After seeing Sakura's immense strength]'' I've gotta stop acting stupid in front of Sakura. I'm gonna get killed!
* If my arms get ripped off, I'll just kick him to death! If my legs get ripped off, I'll just bite him to death! If my head gets ripped off, I'll just stare him to death! If my eyes get ripped off, I'll just curse him to death! And if he gouges out my eyes, I'll curse him from beyond the grave!
* ''[To Pain]'' ''Peace''? ''Justice''? Screw you! You're insane! What about my master?! My Sensei! My friends! My home?! After everything you've done, you still act like it's for peace?
* ''[To Pain]'' Give up on trying to make me give up!
* ''[To Nagato]'' I came here to talk to you, but there was something else I wanted to find out too. I wanted to see how I would feel...I didn't know how I would really feel...if I saw you right in front of me. And I can't forgive you! I want to kill you so much, I'm trembling!
* ''[To the Raikage]'' I'm begging you. I don't want anyone else getting killed for revenge. All Sasuke ever thought about was revenge! It consumed him and changed him! He was driven mad by revenge! He's not the same guy I knew anymore! I don't want that to happen to anyone else! I don't want Konoha and Kumo killing each other!
* ''[Explaining what it means to connect heart-to-heart]'' Huh?! W-well, my feelings are understood by someone else. And that person's feelings reach me as well.
*''[To Sasuke]'' Tell me...Do you know my thoughts...can you tell what is in my heart? You saw it, didn't you? If we fight again...we're both gonna die.
*''[To Kushina]'' It's alright mom. You don't have to apologize. Sure...I went through alot when I was a kid because I am a jinchuuriki...but I would never blame you or dad for that. It's true, I never really had any parents...since you and dad weren't around. But now I do...you and dad died for me. Now I understand, because you always loved me! I'm so happy! I'm glad I'm your kid!
* ''[To Itachi]'' Itachi... Thank you for trusting me. You don't have to worry anymore... You've done more than enough for the Village already! Leave the rest to me!
* ''[To Tobi]'' You can call yourself no one, you can start a war, but even in this world you think of as &quot;nothingness&quot;, no one's falling for your dumb ass lies! You can change your mask, you can take on as many names as you want, but you're still you, and your just one guy! I've had enough. I'm gonna tear that mask right off your face!
*&quot;Things are changing, alright. I just remembered a whole bunch of difficult names at once!&quot;
* ''[To Nagato]'' I'll win us peace! I won't give up until the very end!
* (to Kushina Uzumaki): I always wanted to meet you... MOM!
* ''[To Sakura]'' I hate people who lied to themselves, so just stop it!
* ''[To Sakura, in Road to Ninja]'' Hold on. You're enjoying this whole situation, aren't you?
* ''[To Sakura, in Road to Ninja]'' Oh, not at all?
* ''[To Sakura, in Road to Ninja]'' So you've completely forgotten everything? Sakura, this entire place is a fake world that Madara sent us to! We're trapped here!
* ''[yelling at Sakura, in Road to Ninja]'' '''THE POINT IS THAT I'M NOT STAYING!''' (mumbling) Staying in this dumb world...!
* ''[To Sakura, in Road to Ninja]'' To gather more intel, of course! I'm not just gonna hang around here doing nothing!
* ''[To Sasuke, before the final battle]'' I knew they'd be here. This sure brings back memories, Sasuke.
* ''[To Sasuke, in Naruto: Shippūden - Ultimate Ninja Storm 4]'' Not yet... I'm not letting you leave just yet, Sasuke!
* ''[To Sasuke, after the final battle]'' Now do you finally get it? See, if you move, the wound will open.
* ''[To Sasuke]'' You can't explain something like that with words. But... whenever I see you... trying to carry everything... on your shoulders like that... It... hurts. It hurts so bad... that I just... can't ignore you.

==[[w:List of Naruto characters#Neji Hyuga|Neji Hyuga]]==
* [About Guy] He recovers so fast, it's kind of annoying.
* That's baggy.
* I never once thought of becoming a Jonin as my final goal!
* ''[repeating Team Guy's goal]'' Stronger than I was yesterday!
* ''[When Lee asks Neji to hop on his back to ''train'']'' Oh, hell no!
* ''[After being picked up by Lee]'' Lee, what on earth are you doing? Put me down this instant!
* Aim ever higher... That's the destiny of the Hyuga.
*[To Naruto] Naruto... sometimes your eyes are even better than mine.
*&quot;The words you said to me once freed me from the shackles of my curse...&quot;
*&quot;Because... I was called a genius...&quot;
*&quot;Finally... I understand the freedom of being able to choose your own death.&quot;

==Kaguya Otsutsuki==
* (To Madara as a voice in his head) The time when all shall become one has come.
• (To Team 7 before being them to her personal dimension): This place...this world is my precious nursery. I cannot allow you to damage it any more.
* (To Naruto and Sasuke while reminiscing about her sons): I hate you...Hagoromo...Hamura...You both belong to me.              Naruto you are so annoying !

==[[w:List of Naruto characters#Kurama|Kurama]]==
&lt;span id=&quot;Nine-Tailed Demon Fox Kyuubi &quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;
* (to Naruto) Naruto. Let's show them our power.
* (to Naruto) Why are you hesitating? You need my power, right? Well, who do you want to kill?
* ''[to Sasuke]'' With that vision of yours, and chakra more ominous than my own...You're the spitting image of Madara Uchiha from the Elder days.
* ''[to Sasuke]'' I'll be gone soon. But I'll say this, even if it is my undoing. Whatever your plans are, do not destroy Naruto.  If you do... you'll regret it...
* (to Naruto) Destroy everything… Erase everything that hurts you… Entrust your heart to me… I will save you from your suffering.
* (to Naruto) You don't have what it takes to control my power! You're nothing more than a mere fragment of my hatred!
* (About Naruto reaching the other Tailed beasts) &quot;Naruto… If you really want to do something for us… then do what you've always done… Prove it to us with your actions! That's who you are!
* (To Tobi through Naruto): Sorry but… this guy doesn't suit your words. The Fourth Hokage entrusted me to Naruto… We became friends and now he's able to use my chakra! The Fourth sealed me into Naruto… to take you down!
* (To Naruto with anger): You've influrated me Narutooo...! You can merge sage mode and tailed beast mode

==[[w:Orochimaru (Naruto)|Orochimaru]]==
* ''[To Naruto]'' Let's see which of you has become stronger?  You... Or Sasuke?
* ''[To Naruto in his Four-Tailed state]'' How are you going to fight me now, with that huge mass of chakra restricting your movements?
* My, my, what an amusing conversation. You wouldn’t mind if I were to join in myself, would you?
* My oh my… you sure have become quite the Jinchuuriki, Naruto...
* ''[To Yamato]'' I should think Konoha would be a bit more appreciative… wouldn’t you agree, dearest guinea pig of mine?
* This body’s indeed showing an adverse reaction… it really is a shame, but playtime’s over.
* ''[To Sai]'' When addressing your elders, etiquette requires you show yourself properly. 
* They (Konoha children) all died in a storm of thrashing and spasming. Just as I was preparing to clean up the mess and record my findings, someone stumbled upon one of my other experiments, and I was forced to leave the village. That, of course, meant my labs had to be abandoned. I assumed all sixty children were dead. I had no idea one actually survived!
* What’s this chakra type… I haven’t seen an elementally recomposed type like this before!
* ''[Referring to Sasuke]'' People used to call me a genius, but at that age, even I was nothing compared to him.
* ''[In a flashback]'' All these children orphaned by the war have nothing but pain and suffering waiting for them. It’d be much more merciful to just kill them now.

==[[w:List of Naruto antagonists#Pain|Pain/Nagato]]==
*[To Akatsuki] We're both of the same breed, after all... motives for war are of no concern. Religion, ideology, resources, land, spite, love or just &quot;because.&quot; No matter how pathetic the reason, it's enough to start war. War will never cease to exist, reasons can be thought up after the fact. Human nature pursues strife.
* (To Hidan after his comment about Konaha being heathens) Konoha is not godless. They place their previous generation as gods and act with the &quot;Will of Fire&quot; as their driving ideology. Although, you could say that such things are justification for one to fight.
* Countries have scaled back the villages, and many shinobi have lost their place of being. Shinobi exist for battle... yet this peace is the &quot;reward&quot; they receive for putting their lives on the line for their country.
* Someone has disturbed my rain's fall... And judging by their chakra, it's someone dangerous.
* Too many people have died here… their pain is what helped me grow up.
* [To Jiraiya] Even the most ignorant, innocent child will eventually grow up as they learn what true pain is. It affects what they say, what they think… and they become real people.
* ''[To Jiraiya]'' Sensei, you’re still just a normal person… but I, living in the centre of an infinite universe of Pain, have grown from a person, into something more. I’ve grown from a person… into a GOD.
* I’m going to put an end to this pathetic world and its endless wars. It will be an act of a god.
* Our world is still in its infancy… but the hand of god has come to guide it down the path to maturity.
* Everything is meaningless in the face of overwhelming power.
* Pain... that's a name to refer to all six of us.
* You can still see Yahiko within me? How funny... I suppose that only his teacher would reconize what's left of him.  But make no mistake: Yahiko is dead. The man standing before you is Pain, and no one else  
* ''(referring to Jiraiya, after defeating him)'' If it hadn't been for our secret we would have never won... I can give you no higher praise than that, my former teacher.
* ''(upon slaughtering several Leaf Village guards on the outskirts of town)'' This is nothing...  Compared to the pain the world will suffer.
* ''[To Iruka]''  Where is the Nine-Tailed Fox's host...?  Spit it out.  If you don't, I'll kill you.
* ''[To Tsunade]'' You think you're the only ones who matter. You think you can put off death. But that peace ,are you foolish and thoughtless. If you kill someone, someone else will kill you... this is the hatred that binds us together. I want you to feel pain, to think about pain, to accept pain, to know pain.  Those who do not know true pain can never know true peace!
* ...I will give the world more pain.
* You Leaf Ninja aren't the only ones allowed to speak of harmony, especially after what you did to my village and what I did to yours.
* Through justice, I will bring peace.
* ''[stabbing Hinata in front of a helpless Naruto]'' I believe it was like this for me... watching my parents die before my eyes as you watched Leaf shinobi die before yours. It is precisely because we love that we sacrifice... and hate.
* ''[To Naruto in his Six-Tailed Fox Cloak]'' My pain is greater than yours.
* War brings pain and injury and death to both sides.
* ''[To Naruto]'' War brings death.. And wounds and pain to both sides. There's nothing harder to accept than the deaths of those you love.. So you believe they could never die.. Especially those who haven't known war.. Like your generation.
* There's nothing you can do. You couldn't even give me an answer. Your role is to be the sacrifice that allows me to bring peace to the world. That is the right answer.
* [Last words to Naruto before dying] Dying like trash.. never ending hatred...pain that never heals... that is war... Naruto... this... is what you must face... The book.. and you.. It's like... someone set this all up... Or maybe... this is the hand of the real God... My role is over now... Naruto... you... can really-
* &quot;[To Naruto]&quot; I couldn't believe in what Jiraiya believed in. Or in the man himself... but you chose a different path. In you I can see a different future... I will believe in you... Uzumaki Naruto... Gedo Rinne Tensei no Jutsu
* &quot;[To Naruto]&quot; So...I should just wait here and wait for you to bring peace to the world?!
* &quot;[To Naruto]&quot; There is no such thing as real peace! It's impossible as long as we live in this accursed world!
* &quot;[To Naruto]&quot; We studied under the same master... I told you that before that we should therefore be able to understand each other. I was joking then, but... you're an odd kid... you remind me of myself when I was younger...  
* Konan... it's enough... I have a new choice... a choice I'd given up on
*[Last words to Naruto before being sealed] Naruto… I'll be returning to where our master is, so I can see your story… If you ask me… You're the third part that concludes the series… The first part was Jiraiya… He was flawless… But… The second part was me, an almost complete failure… I couldn't even get our master to acknowledge me… Ending the series is the third part… The final work will settle it all! Become such a masterpiece that that failure will be like it was cancelled altogether… Naruto! From JP Shqipe o zemra

==[[w:Rock Lee|Rock Lee]]==
* Stronger than I was yesterday!
* ''[Seeing Guy carrying Kakashi, piggy-back]'' I see! It's training!
* ''[Seeing Guy carrying Kakashi, piggy-back, looks to Neji]'' Neji!
* Sorry I'm late! Tenten was slowing me down.
* ''[Seeing Sora, Naruto, Choji and Kiba fighting]'' A meeting where men are expressing their feelings of friendship through fist-fighting?! Why didn't anyone tell me about this?! ''[Joins]''
* ''[To Sai who was complaining about the rain while coming to aid Naruto during the war]'' Stop your complaining and speed it up! Now is the time for us to charge forward, and respond to the heroic efforts of Guy-Sensei and Naruto!
* &quot;The power of youth!&quot;

==[[w:Sakura Haruno|Sakura Haruno]]==
* So, Naruto? Have I changed? Am I more... womanly? I love you Naruto 

*''[Talking about her training with Tsunade]''  Granted, I thought I was going to die, but thanks to that, I've become stronger mentally.
* ''[to Naruto about Tsunade]'' You idiot! You've no idea how scary she is!
* Naruto. You've met him, haven't you? Itachi Uchiha. The person Sasuke keeps saying he wants to kill... is his older brother Itachi Uchiha right?
* ''[to Sasori]'' I have a lot of questions for you.
* ''[to Sasori]'' I’ll get you! Even if you blow off my arms and legs, if you take in your poison and it paralyzes me, I’ll get you, I swear it! No matter how much you resist, no matter what you do! I’ll beat you half to death, and make you talk about Orochimaru!
* ''[to Sai]'' If you forgive Naruto, that's fine... ''(punches him)'' However, I could care less if you forgive me!
* Usually, when you paint a good picture, you give it a name.
* I can only do the dumbest of things for Naruto.
*''[to Sai about his picture book]'' You carry that because it is the only thing left that proves you really do exist, am I not right…? You have yet to truly get rid of your emotions, despite what you say… Even for us shinobi, abandoning our emotions completely is impossible.
*''[to Ino about Sai]'' Don't let his boyish good looks fool you... I've met insects with more social grace than him.
* The things that are most important aren't written in books. You have to learn them by experiencing them yourself.
* [''To Naruto, while hugging him''] Thank you. 
*&quot;[To Sasuke when leaving the village]&quot; I may have friends and family, but...Sasuke if you were to leave, to me.....to me...i would be just as alone as you are. Sasuke i love you with all my heart! If you were to stay with me...there would be no regrets! because everyday we'd do something fun, we'd be happy, I swear! I would do anything for you! please just stay with me, I'll even help with your revenge, I don't know what I could do....but I'll try my best to do something.... so please....stay with me... or take me with you if you can't stay.
*&quot;[About Naruto and Sasuke at Kage Summit]&quot; Naruto...has finally made up his mind. My resolve...is nothing compared to his. I'm a ninja...but all I ever done is lean on Naruto and cry...[''wipes away her tears''] I came here because I thought I was ready...but still I hesitate. I can't do anything...I can't say anything...all I can do...is believe in them!
* [''In thought, to Naruto''] Thank you Naruto...thank so much, for everything. Thanks to you...I still haven't given up on my dream of Team 7 laughing together again.
*&quot;[During Sakura's atempt to distract (Madara) Sauske i hate you.
*&quot;[In her mind while going to kill Sasuke&quot;] Sasuke when did I fall in love with you? Back in those days, I was just infatuated with how cool you were. Then you become my teammate on team 7. Being teammates didn't change me. I was still hopelessly in love with the cool Sasuke. Just gazing at his handsome profile was enough for me. I never gave a thought to who he really was behind that pensive face. But the shadow that you carried, when I finally noticed it was too late. Before I knew it, Naruto had matured and was standing face to face with you. I was the one left behind. Yet I didn't change. That's why this time, I tried to catch up to the two of you, in my own way. But Sasuke is no longer the person we think he is and he's far beyond our reach. I've already decided, I'll take care of Sasuke myself.
* [&quot;In her mind while coming to Naruto's aid during the war]'' Naruto...you saved Konoha...and now you're trying to save the entire Shinobi World. You always get left with the insurmountable tasks...but no matter what you say this time...we're going to be together. Not just me...we're all going to fight together this time!
* [To Sasuke]&quot;I... I know there's nothing much I can do to stop this...But I still love you! I never thought you'd turn out this way... I couldn't be there for you when you needed help...or even stop you from going down this path. All I could do is sit here and cry. It's disgraceful really! But... But Sasuke! If I still have a place in that heart of yours, even if it's just a little...please don't go! If we're together again...I'm sure we'd be able to get back to those days... &quot;
* [&quot;During the war when she recieves a love letter from a shinobi she saved&quot;] Thank you....but...there's someone else I'm in love with Sasuke. [thinks of Sasuke Uchiha].

==[[w:List of Naruto characters#Sai|Sai]]==
&lt;span id=&quot;Sai&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;
* The manual said that the first way to appeal to someone is with a smiling face. I've practiced but I'm still unable to make this facial expressions.
* You're... pretty weak. The way you fight, are you a boy or a girl?
* A smile is the best way to get oneself out of a tight spot, even if it is a fake one. Surprisingly enough, everyone takes it at face value. I read that in a book.
* ''[to Naruto, who is mentally comparing Sai's appearance to Sasuke's]'' If you keep staring at me, I'll hit you.
* ''[to Naruto in a hot springs]'' Well gee... You actually do have some balls after all.
* I’ve drawn hundreds, maybe thousands of pictures so far… none of them have titles. 
* ''[to Naruto]'' Please don’t lay the blame on others for your own minimal amount of ability.
* I have none of what you’d call “emotions”.
* ''[To Sakura after being told to nickname people after what comes to mind]]'' Thanks for the advice... homely.
* ''[thinking]'' If I use female's true characteristics, they get scary. I might avoid it if I say the opposite of what I think. ''[to Ino]'' Pleased to you ...you um, Beautiful.
* ''[talking to Sakura]'' I like everyone. Even you, ugly.
* ''[About Sasuke]'' He betrayed the Leaf and ran off to serve Orochimaru...  I don't want to be lumped together with a cockroach along the same lines... as Orochimaru.
* ''[to Naruto]'' Oh, geez… You two are so alike… you and my brother, I mean. He was loud, impatient, unrefined, and his peni...  Well, it doesn't really matter.  But still... Yeah...  Just like you, he took on anything he did with everything he had.  Watching you somehow brings back memories of...
* ''[to Sasuke]'' I'm here...  to take you back to the Leaf Village.  Although my original intention was to assassinate you.
* ''[Sees Naruto clones training simultaneously]'' Naruto? ''[Begins to read]'' When your friends are working unusually hard on the job or doing their hobbies, it's nice to casually bring them a snack or drink. ''[Looks back at the hundreds of training Naruto clones]'' Working ''unusually'' hard.. Seems normal to me. ''[Takes out an apple originally intended for Naruto and takes a bite]''
* I wonder if this is what you'd call 'gross'.
* ''[to Sakura]'' I only became part of your team recently when I replaced Sasuke, so I don't know everything that's going on. I don't really understand people either. But even I can tell that Naruto really loves you. Naruto's been shouldering that promise for a long time...I think he means to shoulder it for the rest of his life. I don't know what you said to him, but it's just like what's been done to me - it feels like a curse. Sasuke causes Naruto pain, but I think you do too.
* Sakura didn't come out here to confess her love. She was supposed to tell you the collective decision made by all your former Academy classmates...Konoha is going to dispose of Sasuke itself. Your ex-classmates are preparing to ask as we speak.
* Sasuke is only helping spread his darkness across the world. Letting him live will only sow the seeds of another war. He's just another criminal now. Sasuke lost all hope of coming back when his group, Akatsuki, attacked our village. Your fellow Konoha shinobi would never accept him now. Sakura's not stupid, either. She understands the position he's put us all in. That's why she came out here, to tell you herself.
* (''to Sakura'') Please don't think you have to shoulder all the responsibility (''for killing Sasuke''). I'm part of Team 7 too.
* ''[In his mind while coming to Naruto's aid during the war]'' This...is what it means to have friends. I understand it perfectly...Naruto.
* ('' to Sakura '') Your words may be not lies, but i can already tell that your smile is fake.

==[[w:List of Naruto antagonists#Sasori|Sasori]]==

* ''[to Deidara]'' You're late! I told you I don't like to wait!
* ''[to Kankuro]'' I don't like to wait and I don't like to keep others waiting. So let me make this quick and sweet.
* ''[to Kankuro]'' The spider needs to be swifter than the fly.
* ''[to Deidara]'' Art is something that lasts for all posterity. Art is eternal.
* ''[to Chiyo while revealing his Hiruko body]'' If you insist on defying me, you give me no choice...How about I add you and the little girl to my collection, Grandmother!

* [About his Human Puppet-making method] First I'll empty out everything about them from the bodies...Then I’ll treat it so that it doesn’t decay before stocking it up with the rest of my collection. 

* [Finally revealing his puppet body] Yes, it's been a while… since I’ve used myself.
* I am a puppet but… an incomplete puppet with the “core” of my real body… not human… not puppet…
* Women like to do useless things, don't they...
* Even connected by blood ties as we are, I won't feel a thing if Grandma Chiyo here dies. My heart... is just like this body. Of all the hundreds and thousands I've killed so far, she's just another one of them. It's that simple.
* The strength of a puppeteer is measured by the amount of puppets they use.
* ''[To Sakura]'' Give it up… this body feels no pain. If all you do is hit me, your fist is all that will hurt.
* What's the point of something that disappears as soon as its born?
* True beauty lies in things that last forever, never rotting or fading.
* Traps are made so that people will fall into them.
* ''[To Sakura]'' I would describe myself as a human being who could become a complete puppet, I am a unfinished puppet, whose lifeless frame still contains a beating heart at it's core. I am neither dead, nor am I alive.
* '' [To Kankuro]'' My old puppet body... Suddenly it all seems so pointless. I now have the body I've always desired, one that will never rot or decay. I've truly become a puppet in every sense of the word.
* Sasori: That is a considerable amount of puppets. But ... [Proceeds to summon one hundred puppets of his own] With this, I took down a whole country!

==[[w:Sasuke Uchiha|Sasuke Uchiha]]==
&lt;span id=&quot;Sasuke Uchiha&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;
*''[After Sai tells him Naruto thinks of him as a brother]'' As far as brothers go, I have only one... one I must destroy.

* Revenge means everything to me. As long as I can have my revenge, I could care less what happens to me, or the whole world for that matter. For both Orochimaru and me, right now, killing Itachi would be impossible. But if I am able to accomplish my goals, through nothing more than offering Orochimaru this body of mine… than he can have my life, and my afterlife for that matter.

* [''To Naruto''] It's not that I didn't cut those bonds. I didn't want to give him the pleasure of seeing me obtain power by following in ''his'' footsteps. I just spared your life on a whim...nothing more.
* [''To Naruto, while leaning near him''] Come to think of it, wasn't it always your dream to become the Hokage someday? All of the time you spent chasing after me, would have been better off spent in training...wouldn't you agree...Naruto? But this time...my whim is telling me...[''unsheathing his sword''] to finished what I started.
*(About the Nine Tailed Fox) So this was the source of your power? Interesting. Who would've thought that something like ''this'' was inside of you?

* ''[To Orochimaru after he reprimands him for not killing the sound ninja]'' They're not the ones I want to kill.
* ''[To Orochimaru]'' I have nothing more to learn from you.
* ''[As he attacks Orochimaru]'' It looks like I'll be able to be cold hearted, even in front of '''you!'''
* What's your purpose? To unravel the logic of this world or whatever. You've continued to play around with people like toys for such a stupid and selfish reason. ''[reflects on Itachi's reason for massacring his clan to measure his power]'' You make me sick.
* ''[To Orochimaru]'' A snake that crawled on the earth, dreaming of soaring through the sky... knowing full well it was impossible. Still, hoping beyond hope, it kept its eye on a baby bird that it nurtured in its own nest... little realizing that actually... ''[activates his curse mark's second level and grows wings]'' That snake is prey because that bird is a hawk... ready to take to the sky! 
* Orochimaru was already in a weakened state... That's all there is to the story.
* You know nothing about me. ''[Sasuke proceeds to attack Itachi from behind with Chidori]'' How much hate has filled and enveloped my heart, how much stronger I've grown because of it... You know nothing.
* ''[To Itachi]'' What I see with my Sharingan is very clear to me... I see you... Dead.
* ''[To Itachi]'' I said this is the end, you murderous traitor. But before I kill you, I have one last question.
* ''[To Itachi]'' You can use your eyes as much as you want. But with my hatred… I’ll turn the illusion into reality! And that reality… is your death!
* ''[Remembering the night the Uchiha clan was killed]'' I was so young...  My only explanation was that it was all a horrible nightmare.  I wanted to believe it wasn't real; That I was just trapped in someone's cruel genjutsu...  But it did happen!  That was reality!  My &quot;eyes&quot; are wide open now!  My Sharingan sees right through your Genjutsu!
* ''[To Itachi]'' It's time to reproduce what I saw... the vision of your death.
* Disappear with the thunder…
* What Itachi wanted and what I want... are two completely different things. I can't do what he wanted...I'll revive the Uchiha my own way.
* We have shed the skin of the snake, we are no longer the Hebi. From now on, our team will be &quot;Hawk&quot;. We are Taka. Taka have but one purpose...our goal...''[Awakens his Mangekyo Sharingan]'' is to destroy Konoha!
* If, as you said, the reason why Itachi couldn't kill me... was because my life was more precious than the village, then I feel similarly, that Itachi's life is more precious than Konoha. That's all.
* Saying I should follow in Itachi's footsteps is nothing but pretty words. It's nonsense mean't for those who don't know hatred.
* I have closed my eyes long ago...my goal exists in the ''Darkness''.
* If anyone wants to deny my way of living, I'll kill everyone they ever cared about left and right! Maybe then, they'll understand... a little of my hatred.
* They're all laughing...they're all laughing it up, at the cost of Itachi's life! Cackling like fools in unison, with no idea of the price he paid! All I hear in your laugher now is scorn and ridicule! But I'll change it..I'll turn your laughter into screams of '''anguish'''!
* [''After Naruto tells him he understands his motives''] Naruto...I told before...how can you...with no parents or siblings...possibly understand me? You never had anyone! [''Glares hatefully at Naruto''] So shut up you outsider!
* [''To Naruto''] Naruto...it's too late! Nothing you say can change me now! I'm still going to kill every one in Konoha, even you! So your only choices are either to kill me and become Konoha's hero for saving the village...or die by my hand and be known by everyone as a loser!
* [''After having Itachi's eyes transplanted in him''] It's perfect. I can feel Itachi's visual powers flowing through me. I can feel myself getting...[''Grins evilly''] stronger.
* [''After impaling a White Zetsu with a black flaming Totsuka Blade''] Shall we test it outside? [''Steps forward with a new Susanno behind him''] These eyes...[''Removes his bandages''] can see fine in the darkness...[''Reveals his Eternal Mangekyo Sharingan'']
* I'm going to the battlefield. I will not let this village...and my brother...be wasted!
* Many things happened...But I decided to protect the village. And...I...will become Hokage.
* [''After sealing Kaguya Ōtsutsuki''] I suppose so...But first...I'm going to execute the five kages that are still inside the Infinite Tsukuyomi...And on top of that Tailed Beasts...I'm going to place you all under my control!

==[[w:Shikamaru Nara|Shikamaru Nara]]==
&lt;span id=&quot;Shikamaru Nara&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;
* Every jutsu has some kind of risk, or restriction on its use
* ''[Smoking Asuma's last cigarette]'' ...I knew... I'd hate smoking... The  smoke... gets in my eyes....
* Just leaving things be, living without sticking to what we believe in is just... we just don't want to live like that 'cuz it's a pain the ass.
* Kagemane no Jutsu... successful! 
*''[To Hidan]'' That doesn't scare me at all. Between you and me, what we believe in is different. What I believe in is the &quot;will of fire.&quot; But your god isn't some stupid Jashin-sama or anything. Right now, it's me. And I'll give you judgment!
* I was always... complaining and avoiding my responsibilites. Because of my behavior, I'd mess up, and Asuma would have to cover me. He was a strange teacher who was, at times difficult to grasp. But he was the coolest adult there ever was. From here on, it's my turn. 
* ''[To Naruto]'' Someday you’ll be the one to treat others to ramen. And you’ll be called master Naruto. We can’t stay kids forever. Like Asuma and Jiraiya… I wanna be as cool as them.
* ''[using Shogi as a metaphor for ninja life]'' The unborn children who'll grow up to be the next generation of leaf ninja... They're the king.
* ''[To Kurenai]'' When you have that kid, I'll have to protect it. So I've gotta grow up to be a cool adult too!
* We already know that the Akatsuki don't follow the laws of nature, physics or logic.
* Where did I go? I went to talk to Naruto. He's been so down, you know? It's a pain in the arse, but I just found myself headed over there. He has something no-one else does...he's going to be a very important ninja. When I'm with Naruto...he makes me want to walk with him.
* Man the hell up, Choji! We're not kids who need adults to protect us anymore, ''we're'' the protectors! Do you want to sit and watch while Asuma kills his own child? You think that's mercy?
* ''[To Choji about Naruto while coming to aid Naruto during the war]'' He isn't the type to calmly come up with a plan though. ''[In thought]'' That's why I'm here. Wait for me Naruto, I'm almost there!

==[[w:List of Naruto characters#Shino Aburame|Shino Aburame]]==
&lt;span id=&quot;Shino Aburame&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;
* ''[After Naruto fails to recognize him]'' Even if it's been a while, you should at least remember the faces of your friends. The reason being that if you don't... it's painful to the person who called you out.
* ''[thinking after seeing Tobi]'' So this is Akatsuki?
* I'll finish this. Why? Not only am I part of the mission, but I must make up for not being there last time, as well.
* ''[In his mind while coming to Naruto's aid during the war]'' I'm going to fully support Naruto with my Ninjutsu...I don't need...a reason why!

==[[w:List of Naruto characters#Shizune|Shizune]]==
* Naruto  and Sakura are doing great!
* Lady Tsunade, you do realize that by sending Naruto on this mission, you're putting him at risk, right?

==[[w:List of Naruto antagonists#Suigetsu Hozuki|Suigetsu Hozuki]]==
&lt;span id=&quot;Suigetsu Hozuki&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;
* ''[On Manda's death]'' Using time-space Justu to escape is cool, and all, but... what in the world just happened?
* ''[Pointing at Sasuke's head with his hand in a &quot;gun&quot; gesture]'' Let's make our relationship clear, okay? Just because you defeated Orochimaru doesn't make you superior to me. We were all after him... sooner or later someone was going to kill him... You were a favorite and could stay by Orochimaru and weren't locked up. In this situation... I've got the upper hand.
* Haha... Never would've guessed a bunch of stupid animals could sense chakra...  Then again, &quot;stupid animal&quot; describes Karin pretty well, so I guess it makes sense.
* ''[Speaking of Sasuke’s Mangekyo Sharingan]'' Jeez… that eye’s even handier than before… he’ll be even more of a pain now.
* ''[as Sasuke tells him not to kill the curse mark test subjects]'' You really are of Konoha. You shoulda killed that last guy too... you're soft.

==[[w:List of Naruto characters#Temari|Temari]]==
* I don't believe in omens... But I have a bad feeling about this.
* ''(Naruto's dedication to rescue Gaara)'' Naruto... Thank you.
* ''(to Naruto)'' You are a strange person. You have the power to change people.

==[[w:List of Naruto characters#Tenten|Tenten]]==
* I was stronger than I was yesterday!
* You're in no position to continue!
* Guy-Sensei! Hurry up! You're too slow!
* Lee you got to do better
* Neji, are you alright?
* ''[In her mind while coming to aid Naruto during the war]'' Is Guy-Sensei there? I hope he's protecting Naruto! Kakashi-Sensei's there too...so they should be alright...

==[[w:List of Naruto characters#Tsunade|Tsunade]]==
*'' [Watching Team Kakashi go on their mission]'' Growth.. is a mysterious thing, isn't it?
* ''[Thinking about Dan and Nawaki]'' There are times when death is hard to accept. But if you don't get over it, there's no future.
* ''[Referring to Naruto and Gaara]'' The only one who can understand a Jinchuuriki... Is another Jinchuuriki.
* If Naruto and the fate of Konoha fall because of me... I'll take full responsibility!
* I will protect the village, no matter what... I swear by the name of Hokage!
* ''[Mug suddenly cracks]'' That's a bad sign. ''[Quickly takes out lotto ticket]'' I won! And it's the grand prize, to boot! This is the worst possible omen.
* And yet, truth is still stranger than fiction.
* Bah, you men are all alike. Without women around, there'd be no one to reject your advances and toughen you up.
* ''[To her advisers]'' Do you know what Jiraiya and Sarutobi and Chiyo of Sunagakure had that you don't?.. Faith.

==[[w:List of Naruto antagonists#Tobi|Obito Uchiha/Tobi]]==

* I'm new to the bunch! Pleased to meet ya!
* Found it! I found it, Mr. Zetsu! So, can I become a member of Akatsuki now? There is an opening now, after all.
* ''[To Deidara, when he threatens to decide how to kill him]'' What's to decide? You'd just blow me up! 
* Like this Mr. Zetsu?
* They're strong, aren't they? No wonder you got beat up, Deidara-senpai.
* Senpai! Senpai! Look! Look! ''[Points at piggy bank inside dango store as Deidara looks]'' That's exactly like your artwork, isn't it? Could it be that your works of art are.. A cheap rip-off?
* Ichibi, Nibi, and I am Tobi!

* I look forward to watching you develop, Sasuke… Will you remain a snake? Or shed your serpentine scales and become a hawk?  
* Whooooah! Didn't see that coming! NOT! Just as I predicted...
* ''[To Pain about Naruto]'' You capture him. As the leader, failure will not be accepted.
* Soon… soon, all our goals will be achieved. And when they are, everything will be as it should.
* I'll play with you children some other time.
* I know everything there is to know about Itachi. Of course, he died without realizing just how much.
* ''[To Sasuke]'' You know so much about your brother and at the same time, you know nothing.
* ''[To Sasuke after revealing the truth about Itachi]'' You couldn’t see through Itachi at all. You couldn’t see through his illusion.
* Good feeling, Sharingan's power was shown well, his eyes will surpass Itachi's eyes. The time is ripe. You can bet he's prepared himself as it won't be long now. 
* The Sharingan's true power... My power... Madara Uchiha's power!
* ''[thinking about Sasuke]'' When one loves… there is the risk of hate.
* ''[to Minato]'' You deserve the title of Fourth Hokage... managing to wound me, and wrest the fox from my control in one move. But someday it will be mine again. The fox, and this whole world, will bow to my will. Many doors are still left open to me.
* ''[to Konan]'' There is no peace! There can be no hope! Nagato only believed in Naruto to try to comfort his own pitiful existence!
* ''[to Naruto and Killer Bee]'' The war has already begun... My name no longer matters. You may call me by my old name, Tobi, if you prefer. Madara, Tobi... call me whatever you want. I'm no one... I don't want to be anyone. All I care about is completing my Eye of the Moon Plan.
* ''[to Naruto and Killer Bee]'' &quot;Individuality makes people blind to the truth. My words, the words of no one… are the true words that will lead this world to truth…
* ''[to Kakashi]]'' &quot;You've seen reality, you should be able to understand… No wish can become true in this world. That's why I'm pursuing the dream of infinite Tsukuyomi. I want to build a world where heroes don't have to make pitiful excuses in front of graves.
* ''[To Naruto after Neji's death]]'' &quot;This is what happens when you talk about hope and ideals… This is reality. Naruto… what do you have in this reality? You have no father and mother... your master Jiraiya is dead, and as long as you keep opposing, your friends will die one after the other. No one that acknowledges you will survive. And you already know what lies ahead of all this… Loneliness. There's no need to be in this reality, come here Naruto!&quot;[42] 
* ''[to Kakashi]]'' &quot;Look! There is nothing in my heart! I don't even feel pain! You don't have to feel guilty, Kakashi. This hole was opened by this hell of a world.&quot;Minato you are a idiot. 

* ''[To Minato]]'' &quot;We're way past the point of lectures, wouldn't you agree, sensei? When it came to life changing events, you were always a step behind...I'm glad my sensei was the Hokage. Thanks to that, it was easier for me to let my dream die...Despite being my master, you failed to recognize your own pupil. You've always had that oblivious nature about you, from the moment I met you... I can't help but pity you. The hallowed martyr...shamed in front of his living son...Yes...a mere Hokage is simply fodder compared to what I've become...
* ''[To Madara after a change of heart]]'' I'm not you. The current me is the one who wanted to become Hokage: Obito Uchiha!&quot;
* ''[To Naruto]]'' &quot;I am Kakashi's friend, your father's student, an Uchiha like Sasuke, and… I'm someone who had the same dream as you a long time ago. Now there's no time to go on with sophisms, but at least let me walk in front of you… and die!&quot;
* (Final words, to Naruto]'' &quot;You'll probably have to suffer again from now on...But don't change. Keep going your way. You told me that you never change your words… that's your ninja way, right? Naruto, become Hokage… at all costs.

==[[w:List of Naruto characters#Yamato|Yamato]]==
* It's an honor to be working in Kakashi's place.
* Teamwork and cooperation are the most important things in a team.
* ''[To Naruto, Sakura and Sai while making &quot;ghoul eyes&quot;]'' The three of you probably don't know me very well, either... While I do prefer to interact with people in a gentle manner, I will use draconian methods if needed.
* It’s not what you do for Naruto that’s important… it’s how strongly you feel about him that counts. Sakura… I can tell just by looking at you… the truth is, you-
* I’ll pass on saying &quot;I won’t let you guys get hurt!&quot; with a smile. You’re no longer apprentice ninja who need to be protected. You’re shinobi who’ll sooner or later have to pass Kakashi and sustain Konoha on your shoulders. It’s one thing to be compassionate and another to be indulgent.
* Naruto and Sakura, with you two here I had hoped not to have to resort to any of my cruder methods… but, unfortunately, it’s time I get serious.
* ''[To Naruto]'' If you want to save Sasuke, do it with your own power. Not with Kyubi’s eyes, but your own. That is, if you truly want to see Sasuke and if you really want to protect Sakura…
* ''[To Naruto and Sai]'' Ahh... It's nice to enjoy a relaxing soak in the hot springs, right guys?  ''[both ignore him, so he makes his &quot;ghoul eyes&quot;]''  I said &quot;RIGHT GUYS...?&quot;
* Actually, just watch... you're about to see a completely new Naruto!

==[[w:List of Naruto antagonists#Zetsu|Zetsu]]==
* ''[White Zetsu]'' Tobi's a good boy.
* ''[White Zetsu]'' When you are sad and alone... ''[black side]'' All you can count on is yourself. 
* ''[white side to the black side in references to Pain fight with Jiraiya]'' What took you so long? ''[Black Zetsu]'' He was fighting Jiraiya after all
* ''[White to Black on Orochimaru]'' Always with the barfing stuff and the coming out of snake mouths... he grosses me out. ''[Black Zetsu]'' The snake connection is no coincidence; he's as persistent as a king cobra.
* ''[White to Black]'' Yeah, well, Sasuke just ate a Tsukiyomi. He won't be able to move anymore, you'll be snacking on him in no time.

===Black Zetsu===
* The Sharingan is just another tool that some ninja can use. A tool is only as powerful as the shinobi who uses it.  An expert with a stone can still beat a novice with a shuriken. All he needs is more skill and more power.
* Itachi...He is dead!? Unbelievable!
* (to White Zetsu) A weapon's strength or weakness is dependent on the user's ability to use it. An expert with a pebble can still beat a novice with a shuriken
* (To Minato and Kakashi after fusing onto Obito's body) I'm Madara's will. I'll eliminate whoever stands in his way. You and Obito took Madara way too lightly, and you underestimated me as well.
* (to Madara) You're not the saviour...and it's not over. Why do you think, that unlike Obito, you can use everyone else? Why would you be any different?&quot;
* (to Madara before fusing onto him to revive his true creator) My will is...Kaguya's!

==Dialogue==

:'''Konohamaru''' (After using the Sexy Jutsu): How was that? A real drool of a ninjutsu, wasn't it?
:'''Naruto''': Hehehe... ''[turns serious]'' Konohamaru, sorry, but I'm not a kid anymore. From now on, you shouldn't use that jutsu either.
:'''Sakura''': ''[smiling sadly and thinking]'' ...So... Naruto hasn't just matured in appearance... This makes me feel a little sad. You really have become amazing... Naruto. I'm sure you've come back with a lot of great new jutsu too, right...
:'''Naruto''': ''[with a comically exaggerated look of excitement on his face]'' Such a jutsu is now mediocre, Konohamaru! Behold! The new Super Hottie Jutsu I've been developing! Here we goooo!
:'''Sakura''': ''[smiling]'' Aha, new ninjutsu, you say, Super Hotti... ''[punches Naruto]'' Super Hottie Jutsu!? YOU Dickhead! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Iruka''': Hey Naruto, long time no see.
:'''Naruto''': Iruka sensei, guess what! I beat Kakashi!
:'''Iruka''': That's pretty impressive. But you've still got a long way to go before you're ready to beat me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Naruto''':: Ichiraku's ramen is the best.
:'''Iruka''':  Isn't it?
:'''Naruto''': But something's not right.
:'''Iruka''': Naruto, here I thought I'd treat you to some ramen since it's been so long and you're going to complain about it?
:'''Naruto''':  No, that's not what I meant! I don't have any problem with the ramen!
:'''Iruka''':  Then, what?
:'''Naruto''':  I wanted the next time Iruka-sensei treated me to ramen to be when I became a Chunin.

:'''Deidara'''': Don't be impatient! We'll deal with our old friend Orochimaru in time. We have only three years in which to prepare, and we all know what we need to do to be ready, right?&quot; 
:'''Sasori''': Are you sure that one bag you brought with you is enough? Your opponent is a Jinchuriki.
:'''Deidara'''': My jutsu is a masterpiece. And I'm also carrying my specialty. After all, my opponent is the One-Tailed Shukaku.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(During a flashback)''
:'''Kankuro''': Gaara, give it up. I don't want to say this... The village only thinks of you as a weapon of terror. You'll have a really hard time if you leave us and join a regular squad. The higher-ups don't think much of you. And most of the villagers are still terrified of you.
:'''Gaara''': I know that. But doing nothing will cause more fear and suffering. In order to escape a path of loneliness, I have no choice but to work hard and make my own path. If I do that, then someday... Someday... I can be like him. That's why I will become Kazekage as a Shinobi of Sand. So I can live a life connected to my village.
:'''Kankuro''': Gaara...
:'''Gaara''': I want to work hard so that others will accept my existence. That's what I thought when I looked at Naruto Uzumaki. Up until now, my bonds with others have only been ones of pain. But, seeing him fight so hard made me wonder what a bond really is. I think I understand a little now. Suffering, sadness... and joy. To be able to share it with another person...Naruto Uzumaki... When I fought him, I feel that is what he taught me. He knows the same suffering as I do. And he taught me that you can change how you live your life. Someday, I want my existence to be necessary to others.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sakura''': Naruto, what did we ''just'' say?! Stick together-
:'''Naruto''': '''''I CAN'T TAKE THIS!''''' I know why they're after Gaara and me. Sakura, you know why, too, don't you? ''(no response)'' There's no need to it...The Nine Tails is sealed inside of me. ''(Temari acts surprised, Kakashi acknowledges his sorrow and Sakura is surprised to remember he is the same boy the entire village shunned during childhood)''
:'''Villagers''': -Hey, isn't that the one? -How disgusting! Let's leave!
:'''Naruto''': Gaara and I are the same... We both have monsters locked inside us. That's what those guys are after. I... '''HATE IT!''' They just see us as monsters! As means to an end!
:'''Gaara''': ''(memory)''  &quot;A demon huh? My demon is as real as yours is. I was born a monster.
:'''Naruto''': He was just like I was. ''(Temari understands)'' And he fought all on his own a lot longer than I did. ''(Temari sulks)''
:'''Sakura''': ''(feeling uttermost compassion and sympathy)'' Naruto...
:'''Gaara''': ''(memory)'' To them, I'm just a relic from the past that they want to erase. Then why should I continue to exist? I thought about it, but couldn't find an answer. But, one needs a reason to live. Otherwise, it's the same as being dead.
:'''Naruto''': He's been targeted by the Akatsuki! We're the same, again! And despite that... Why does everything bad always have to happen to him?! It's always him! That's why... That's why I can't waste a second! This time, I want to save him as fast as I can!
:'''Temari''': ''(sulking in sympathy for Naruto and Gaara, seeing the former's sympathy genuine when she fell a tear fall onto her face)'' Naruto, I... Thank you...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Deidara''': I merely take on contracts to blow things up... with my art, that is, h'm!
:'''Sasori''': Your art?
:''[Deidara holds up a clay spider]''
:'''Deidara''': Behold! Aren't you impressed? The product pursuing refined linework matched with two-dimensional deformation! H'm! Now ''this'' is art! But my art doesn't end here! None of my works are static! When they have physical form, they're little more than models, h'm! But this explodes! And with that explosion, its essence is propelled to greatness, at that moment of becoming the true work of art I intended! And in that fleeting moment of grandeur that I see true art! H'm! Art is an explosion!
:'''Sasori''': Damn, he's annoying...
:'''Kisame''': Is he done now...?
:'''Itachi''': Who knows...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Guy''': That sword...!
:'''Kisame''': So you've finally remember at last?
:'''Guy''': ...It's your sword, right?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sasori''':  Itachi, this Nine-Tailed Jinchuriki, what is he like?
:'''Pain''': Go on, tell him.
:'''Itachi''': He's the one who bursts in and starts barking.
:'''Sasori''': What do you mean?
:'''Deidara''': Doesn't he have any identifying characteristics, other than barking?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Deidara''': What's taking them? I wish they would just hurry up and get in here, hmm... Sasori, my man? I thought you didn't like to wait.
:'''Sasori''': You're right...I hate it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Deidara''': Finally. Well then, which one of you is the Jinchruriki?
:'''Naruto''': You bastards! You'll pay for this!
:'''Sasori''': The one who bursts in and starts barking...He must be the Jinchuriki.
:'''Deidara''': Sasori my man, I think you're correct.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gai, annoyed with being last, puts an exhausted Kakashi on his back.]''
:'''Naruto''': ''[thinks]'' That's just wrong.
:'''Sakura''': ''[thinks]'' Grown men playing piggyback... It's almost creepy.
:'''Tenten''': ''[thinks]'' Oh brother...
:'''Lee''': ''[thinks]'' I see... it's training!
:'''Gai''' (Proceeds to run): Now it'll be a lot faster! Ahahaha! All of you, see if you can keep up!
:'''Sakura''': ''[thinks]'': Running doesn't make it less creepy...
:'''Lee''' [bending over]: Neji...Get on my back.
:'''Neji''': Forget it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tobi''': I found it! I found it, Mr. Zetsu!  [Tobi takes Sasori's ring and admires it]  This means I can become an Akatsuki member now, right?  You have a vacant place, after all.  [Tobi flips the ring into the air]
:'''Black Zetsu''': Idiot. It's not that simple.
:'''White Zetsu''': Why not let him? Tobi's a good boy. [Tobi fails to catch the ring as it falls into a crack in the ground as Zetsu walks off.]
:'''Tobi''': Mr. Zetsu, wait!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Tobi finds Deidara's severed hand in the woods and figures he died in an explosion. Deidara appears soon, alive]''
:'''Tobi''': My, my, my! You made it in one piece, Deidara? Opps, my mistake.
:'''Deidara''': Tobi, even the great Buddha loses patience when insulted a third time...One more word and there'll be no doubt about the cause of your death.
:'''Tobi''': Death by explosion?
:'''Black Zetsu''': There's the third time...
:'''Deidara''': ''[locks his legs around Tobi's neck in a chokehold]'' Death by suffocation, hm!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sai''': Sorry about before. I wanted to test the abilities of my new teammate. 
:'''Naruto''': You didn't have to go that far...
:'''Sai''': I wanted to see how strong my team mate is, or if the little boy needs help.
:''[Sakura holds Naruto back as he tries to attack Sai]''
:'''Naruto''': What was that, you?
:'''Sakura''': He's our teammate now, don't start fights with him!''[to Sai]'' And that includes you too.
:'''Sai''': Oh, really?
:'''Sakura''': You won't make any friends if you keep acting like that,
:'''Sai''': Oh? But I like everyone. Even you, ugly.
:''[Yamato holds Sakura back as she tries to attack Sai]''
:'''Sakura''': What was that, you?
:'''Yamato''': Take your own advice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Naruto''': The fourth member of Team Kakashi, now and always... is Sasuke Uchiha! This guy's just a filler. He'll never be like Sasuke! He'll never be a part of the team!
:'''Sai''': I'm glad you let that out. Sasuke betrayed the Leaf and joined Orochimaru. The last thing I wish to be like is a treacherous cockroach.
:'''Naruto''': You... ''[Sakura stops him from saying anything]''
:'''Sakura''': Naruto, remember we're  a team. Sai...he doesn't know you that much yet. Please forgive him.
:'''Naruto''': S-Sakura...
:'''Yamato''': Sigh... Glad someone has some sense.
:'''Sai''': That's all right. I'm not offended as all.
:'''Sakura''': ''[smiling]'' That's a relief. ''[She then sends Sai flying with a punch]'' I don't care one bit...if you forgive me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sai''': Why do you go so far for him? Why are you trying so hard to bring him back, willing to risk your life by going up against Orochimaru to do it? Why? You haven’t been ordered to do this.
:'''Naruto''': You know...I used to hate Sasuke... But once I got used to being with him I realized he's really a lot of fun to be around...he's more than a friend, he accepted me and my existence. Sasuke is my friend... and we have a bond...
:'''Sai''': A… bond? But still, you have to go through Orochimaru...
:'''Naruto''': I don’t care who I have to fight! If he tears my arms off, I'll kick him to do death! If he tears my lefs off, I'll bite him to death! If he rips my head off, I'll stare him to death! If he gouges my eyes out, I'll curse him to death! Even if I’m torn to shreds, I’ll defeat Orochimaru and take Sasuke, once and far all!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Deidara''': You forget I helped you out! You didn't do it alone! If you're a member of the Akatsuki, being cool means not being such a big mouth. In a word, cool equals art. Anyway, in the passionate instant when you begin to feel the cool feelings of art-- ''[Tobi interrupts]''
:'''Tobi''': Senpai, you seem to be the big mouth right now...  Hahaha! ''[Deidara gives him an 'evil' look and begins to attack him with explosives]'' ...I said I was joking!  Ahhhh!  Owwww!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Deidara''': Now, Tobi!  Don't get too cocky!  The Three-Tails wasn't in a Jinchuuriki, so it's weak.  It didn't have enough smarts to control it's own strength.  ''[Tobi just lies there, silent]'' ...Hey, Tobi.  I didn't mean you had to take it literally.  At least say ''something''... ''[Deidara discovers Tobi has actually fallen asleep, and after another 'evil look', he once again attacks him with explosives]''
:'''Tobi''': NOOOO!
:'''Deidara''': YOU IMBECILE!  HOW'S THAT FOR A WAKE-UP CALL?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Naruto''': If I can't look both ways at the same time, all I have to do is split into two and look right while my clone looks left!
:'''Kakashi''': And that would mean you got that idea from my clone stunt a moment ago. ''[thinks]'' Although it's only an approach available to Naruto with his chakra and shadow clones... I of course, wouldn't be able to do it, but even for the Fourth, it would've been impossible. Naruto really is something. ''[to Naruto]'' I must say, you do live up to your title of &quot;most unpredictable ninja&quot;. Naruto, how should I put it... I think I'm starting... to fall in love with you!
:''[Naruto's jutsu fizzles and his clones fade as he reacts, shocked]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kakuzu has been defeated by Naruto's Wind Release: Spiraling Shuriken]''
:'''Kakuzu''': For me... to be beaten by kids like you...
:'''Kakashi''' Well to someone who fought the First Hokage, we do look like kids. However, you look like a crazy old man. Thus, here you lie in the dirt and now your time to die has come. From one generation to the next, the following one will continue to surpass the previous.
:''[Kakashi finishes off Kakuzu]]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Deidara''': No doubt about it.  My art's gonna finish you off this time.
''[Deidara chuckles, but Sasuke just stares at him with his Sharingan]''
:'''Deidara''': ...That's what pisses me off about you!  You and your accursed brother!
''[Sasuke continues to stare at Deidara'']
:'''Deidara''': Stop acting cool!  Those eyes!  Those darned cocky eyes of yours!  It drives me insane!  Eyes that reject... That disdain my art!  I refuse to be looked at by them anymore!  Eyes that show no wonder... No appreciation...  Eyes that ignore my creations!
:'''Sasuke''': ''[after a pause]'' I couldn't care less about all that.  Now tell me where Itachi is!
''[Sasuke's Sharingan fades back into his normal eyes, and he still stares at Deidara]''
:'''Deidara''': Even without his Sharingan... he still takes me lightly...
''[Deidara rips his shirt off revealing a mouth on his chest that he feeds explosive clay]''
:'''Deidara''': Behold... My masterpiece!  Self destruction!
:'''Sasuke''': ''[thinking]'' He's insane!
:'''Deidara''': Death will transform me into a work of art! An explosion unlike any of the others... One that will leave scars in the earth like nothing else... A creation worthy of praise unlike anything before it! [thinking]  Sorry, Tobi... [To Sasuke]  And you... will die!  The blast will cover more than 10 kilometers! You'll never get away, hmmm! Now show me your fear! Drown yourself in the awe... and despair! Cry like a lost child! Because my art... IS AN EXPLOSION!
''[A massive explosion occurs]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tsunade''': You're dealing with someone who's strong enough to keep Akatsuki in line.  We have no idea of his power... And now you're gonna waltz right onto his turf.
:'''Jiraiya''': Yep... I guess I should get moving.
:'''Tsunade''': Come back alive...  If I lose you, too... I...
:'''Jiraiya''': Are you gonna cry for me?!  Haha, I'm honored!  I don't suppose I'll get as many tears as Dan did, though,  ha ha ha!
:'''Tsunade''': ...
:'''Jiraiya''': Alright, how about we put your gambling skills to use?  Put everything you've got on me dying.  You always pick the losing bet.  And in return, I'll come back alive and well.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Itachi''': I see you learned a little about fighting the Sharingan...  You must know what to do when you're alone.  Why aren't you running?
:'''Naruto''': Pfft!  Because with me, my numbers can be anywhere from 1 to 1,000!  And I can't afford to run this time.  I've gotta capture you so I can find Sasuke!
:'''Itachi''': ''[after a long pause]'' ...What is it about my brother that makes you care about him so much?
:'''Naruto''': Because he's like a brother to me... More of a brother to me than he ever was to you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jiraiya''': ''[finishing recalling Nagato, Konan and Yahiko's childhood]'' Any time there was trouble, whoever opposed your side would wind up dead. A few years after I left, I started hearing your names come up occasionally.
:'''Konan''': You have no idea what happened to us after you left, sensei. 
:'''Jiraiya''': You're absolutely right, I don't. But there's no doubt in my mind that what Akatsuki's doing is wrong!
:'''Pain''': ''[arriving on-scene]'' That's YOUR opinion... Jiraiya-sensei.
:'''Jiraiya''': You've changed a lot, but those eyes... so you're Pain... Eh, Nagato? I guess you didn't grow up like I thought you would. What HAPPENED to you three?
:'''Nagato''': ''[coldly]'' You don't need to know. You're just an outsider, remember?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tsunade''': Minato Namikaze... The resemblance is undeniable...
:'''Jiraiya''': Minato had talent you only see once a decade at best. He was a genius... No one like him has been born in a while. He was such a nice kid, yet his guts and desire to succeed are the fiercest I've ever seen. And in the blink of an eye, he was our fourth Hokage. I never had kids, so I don't know what it's like... But if he were my son, I'd have bragged about him all the time.
:'''Tsunade''': Haha... Hearing you say that makes me think of how different they are, too. If I had to choose, I'd say he's much more similar to his mother.
:'''Jiraiya''': .....A kunoichi from the former Land of Whirlpools...
:'''Tsunade''': Yeah... His personality and ninjutsu style are exactly like Kushina Uzumaki's.
:'''Jiraiya''': That was her name! I remember that red hair, the constant jabbering and her tomboyish demeanor. She was just like one of the boys!
:'''Tsunade''': Kushina became so beautiful as she grew up... but Naruto does look a lot like his father.
:'''Jiraiya''': That's why I say I see ''him'' in Naruto. I have to admit I've come to think of him as my own grandson...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Minato''': I thought it was great! Each chapter really seems like a page out of your own life, Sensei. It almost reads like an autobiography.
:'''Jiraiya''': Yeah, but... It didn't sell at all. Maybe I should try and sex up the sequel a little... That's my real forte, after all.
:'''Minato''': The way the protagonist refused to give up, even at the end... that was really cool. He's just like you, Sensei.
:'''Jiraiya''': Heheh... You think so?
:'''Minato''': Actually, I was thinking...
:'''Jiraiya''': Hm?
:'''Minato''': We want to raise our child to be a shinobi like the one in your book! That's why we've decided to name him after the main character in your book. What do you think?
:'''Jiraiya''': A-Are you sure about this? It's just a random name I came with while I was eating some ramen-
:'''Kushina''': ''(enters the room)'' Naruto... It's a beautiful name. ''(she rubs her pregnant stomach gently)''
:'''Jiraiya''': Kushina... Hahaha... Hoo boy... If I name him, that makes me his Godfather, right? Are you sure you want that on your heads?
:'''Minato''': Absolutely! You're a man of true skill... An example we should all follow. I can't think of a finer shinobi than you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sasuke''': Just who is Madara?
:'''Itachi''': A man whose eyes tamed the Nine-Tails and controlled it like a pet ''[Itachi activates his Mangekyou Sharingan]''...  My accomplice, and my teacher ''[Itachi proceeds to move towards Sasuke]''...  The only person in history to learn the Sharingan's final secret...  An invincible immortal. That is who Madara Uchiha is.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''White Zetsu''': Sasuke won.  Itachi Uchiha is dead ''[everyone has shocked looks on their faces]''.
:'''Tobi''': Whoa, didn't see that coming... NOT. Just as I predicted.
:'''Sakura''': S-Sasuke... killed Itachi?
:'''White Zetsu''': Sasuke collapsed like, a second later, though... What do you say? He's probably fading fast.
:'''Naruto''': '''YO ALOE VERA! WHERE THE HELL IS SASUKE!?'''
:'''White Zetsu''': &quot;Aloe vera&quot;...?
:'''Black Zetsu''': Just ignore him.
''[Kakashi looks at Tobi and sees his Sharingan]''
:'''Tobi''': ''[with Sharingan active]'' I'll play with you children some other time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tobi''': I know everything there is to know about Itachi.  Of course, he died without realizing just how much...
:'''Sasuke''': ''[gripping the sheets tightly]'' Enough!  I don't care anymore!  Just go away and never come near me again!
:'''Tobi''': I think you should-- no, you HAVE to question me.  It's your mission... Your duty! ''[Sasuke continues to lean forward, sick with shock]''  ...You need to know about him...  This man who risked everything to protect the shinobi world...  The Leaf Village... And most of all, his little brother...  You need to know about Itachi Uchiha's life.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Iruka''': Naruto...  I heard about Master Jiraiya.
:'''Naruto''': ''[wiping his tears]'' ...I wanted him to keep watching me...  I wanted him to be there when I became Hokage.  To have him see me do more than just screw up...  Heh...
:'''Iruka''': Master Jiraiya had nothing but praise for you.  He'd brag constantly about you, how you were practically his grandson.  How you were a man who'd inherited his spirit.  He never doubted for a minute that you'd grow up to be a wonderful Hokage...  Master Jiraiya will always be watching over you.  In fact, I'm sure he's looking down on you now, wherever he is.  But if you just sit around sulking, he won't be able to brag about you.  Don't stop being the person who earned all that praise.  Be yourself... And cheer up!  You're Master Jiraiya's prize pupil- the man who he acknowledged as being the best.
:'''Naruto''': ''[clearly reassured]'' ...Thanks... Iruka-sensei.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Flashback to Naruto's time with Jiraiya]''
:'''Jiraiya''': I'm always thinking I want to do something about this hatred, but I'm not sure how to go about it yet. But I believe... that eventually the day will come when all people will understand one another and live in harmony!
:'''Naruto''': Wow, that's kinda deep. 
:'''Jiraiya''': Well then, if I can't find the solution, I shall pass the quest on to you!
:'''Naruto''': Yessir! Can't refuse your orders, pervy sage!
:'''Jiraiya''': Nwa ha ha!
:'''Naruto''': What's so funny?
:'''Jiraiya''': I feel redeemed by your smiling face.
:'''Naruto''': Heh heh.
:'''Jiraiya''': I'm glad I made you my apprentice.
:'''Naruto''': R-really?
:'''Jiraiya''': But I haven't given up yet, you know! I plan to change the world with my books!
:'''Naruto''': With those books that don't sell?
:'''Jiraiya''': Fool! They'll be best sellers before you know it! And when that day comes, I won't autograph your copies even if you beg me to!
:'''Naruto''': No thanks! Don't want your autograph anyway! ''[thinking in the present]'' 'Cause you gave me something much more valuable.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pain''': I've wanted to talk with you.
:'''Tsunade''': ''[remembers Nagato, Yahiko, and Konan as children]'' You're...  That kid...
:'''Pain''': Looks like you remember me.
:'''ANBU agent''': Do you know him?
:'''Tsunade''': A little...
:'''ANBU agent''': Who is he?
:'''Tsunade''': ...
:'''Pain''': The god who will restore order.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Naruto''':: There's something I need to find out...I want to talk to Pain.
:'''Inoichi''':  What the hell are you talking about? I'm grateful you defeated Pain, but talking won't solve anything now!
:'''Naruto''': So what, then? Should I just destroy Pain and his cronies and his whole village, and that'll solve everything?
:'''Inoichi''': What use will talking be? He's the enemy of Konoha! We can't just forgive him!
:'''Naruto''':  I can't just forgive him for what he did to my master and the village and everyone!
:'''Inoichi''':  So what, then?
:'''Shikaku''':  Inoichi. Let's just let Naruto go alone. He's the one who stopped Pain. I'm sure he has a plan. Just let him go.
:'''Naruto''': Thanks, Shikaku!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sakura''': I said I love you, Naruto! I'm saying there's nothing between me and Sasuke anymore! I don't know what I was thinking, liking a person like that. I'm confessing my feelings here, so listen up!
:'''Naruto''': I so love you, Sakura
:'''Kakashi'': Just what happened?
:'''Sakura''': Nothing, really. I just realised that there's no sense in continuing to like someone who's a fugitive and a criminal. I can't stay a kid forever. I want to face reality. So, Naruto, no need to keep that promise. Won't you stop chasing Sasuke?
:'''Yamato''': What the hell are you...
:'''Sakura''': (''in Kiba's flashback'') I'll do all the talking, so don't say anything to Naruto. You've got to keep this promise, everyone.
:'''Naruto''': Did something happen, Sakura?  But i stil love you Sakura 
:'''Sakura''': Nothing happened! If you want to know why I started liking you, I'll say it clearly. Sasuke just keeps getting further away from me, but Naruto, you've always stayed by my side. You've encouraged me. I finally realized who you really are, Naruto. The hero who protected the village, beloved by everyone in the village...I'm just one of them. That mischievous little dummy I knew is becoming this great important man, and I've been watching from right next to him, but all Sasuke's done is commit crimes and break my heart. More and more, he's becoming a different person than he was, so distant, but Naruto...you're right here where I can touch you like this. You make me feel safe. Right now, from the bottom of my heart, I can kiss you
:'''Naruto''': i will kiss you now.
:'''Sakura''': [''Smiles nervously''] Have you flipped?  I just switched from Sasuke to you. They say a woman's heart is as fickle as the autumn sky, 
Naruto  : I love you a lot.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[During the Sasuke chase]''
:'''Onoki''': My hips are troubling me. The rest of you may do as you like.
:'''Akatsuchi''': Good idea.

''[At the Kage Summit Bridge]''
:'''Kakashi''': [''To Sasuke''] Sasuke...I don't want to keep repeating myself...but I'll say it one last time...do not be consumed by revenge!
:'''Sasuke''': ''[Laughs maniacally]''
:'''Sasuke''' [''Calmly with rising angier''] Bring me back Itachi...my father and mother. ''[Shouting]'' MY WHOLE CLAN! BRING THEM ALL HERE! DO THAT...AND I'LL QUIT RIGHT NOW!
:'''Kakashi''': ...I don't want to kill you.
:'''Sasuke''':[''With a maniacal grin on his face''] You act like you can kill me anytime! Stop acting as my sensei! I been dying to kill you, Kakashi...!

:'''Sasuke''': [''After Naruto tells him that he will die with him''] What the hell is wrong with you?! Why do care about me so much?!
:'''Naruto''': [''Smiles softly''] Because...you're my ''friend''.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[During the 4th ninja war]''
:'''Dan Kato''': You sure got big, Choza.
:'''Choza''': I'm about to get a hell of a lot bigger.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zabuza''': I should have been sent to hell after your group finished me on that bridge. Next thing I know, I'm standing next to Haku. And I thought something was off... I guess this really '''''isn't''''' hell... or heaven.
:'''Kakashi''': No, this is the real world. And none of you belong here anymore.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shikamaru''': We already heard your last words once. Don't say them again, it'll be a real downer.
:'''Asuma''': Then let me add to them with something I couldn't say back then: I've got nothing more to say to you three. Your Ino-Shika-Cho formation was perfect.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[While Sasuke in pursuit of Edo-Tensei Itachi Uchiha and asking him questions]''
:'''Sasuke''': Why was I the only one?! Why was I the only one to survive!?
:'''Itachi''':...
:'''Sasuke''': Why only me?! Why am I so different from our parents!? Why just me...
:'''Itachi''': You didn't know anything about what was happening at that time...You didn't know anything about the Uchiha Clan's foolish idea...You were just a child. Furthermore, it wasn't for your sake alone...I also thought that I should be judged for the crimes I committed by an Uchiha like you...and for that sake, I used the hatred within you...and that's why I failed. The only thing I did was given you the hatred and making you flee from the village...and as a result, I turned you into a criminal. I wished that you would somehow walk on the right path...and yet...From the moment I died...You are walking on the wrong path...You were enticed into a straight path without branching roads. I wanted to rewrite the indications on your path with lies and efforts.
:'''Sasuke''': You wanted me to walk on that path while I was ignorant about the truth?! I don't want to walk on such a path!
:'''Itachi''': Yeah...Just as you said...You have to decide the path you wanted to walk.
:'''Sasuke''': No matter how you write the indications on that path, I can still see through the changes already!
:'''Itachi''': Heh...
:'''Sasuke''': What's so funny!?
:'''Itachi''': ''[Thinking of Naruto]'' ...Nothing...Not just indications guide you on the path you walk...
:'''Sasuke''': ''[Confused]'' Huh?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Itachi''' (Sensing Sasuke as he confronts Kabuto): Hmph...Things never go as a planned.. Do they.
:'''Sasuke''': You always lied...You always told me &quot;later&quot; and &quot;next time&quot;...And then you died. So this time...I'll make sure you keep that promise!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Madara''': (After finishing the Tsukiyomi) &quot;Naruto... You're getting in the way of everyone's happiness. Our game ends here. I turned hell into heaven. You should understand… It's already over.&quot;
:[Without warning, Madara is impaled from behind by Black Zetsu using Obito's arm for a literal backstab.]
:'''Zetsu''' &quot;You're not the savior...and it's not over. Why do you think, that unlike Obito, only you can use everyone else? Why would you be any different?&quot;
:'''Madara''': &quot;What are you talking about?! You are my will!&quot;
:'''Black Zetsu''': &quot;That's not true either. My will is...Kaguya's!&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

==See also==
* ''[[Naruto]]''

*''[[Naruto anime]]''

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Naruto}}

[[Category:Anime and manga series]]
[[Category:Japanese TV shows]]
[[Category:Cartoon Network shows]]
[http://naruto.oasgames.com/en/ Naruto Online Official]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Doris Day</title>
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      <text bytes="2001" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Doris Day in Love Me or Leave Me trailer.jpg|thumb|right|I’ve always said, &quot;No matter what happens, if I get pushed down, I’m going to come right back up.&quot;]]
'''[[W:Doris Day|Doris Day]]''' ([[3 April]] [[1922]] – [[13 May]] [[2019]]) was an American actor, singer, and animal welfare advocate.

{{actor-stub}}

== Quotes ==
* '''The really [[frightening]] thing about middle age is the [[knowledge]] that you'll grow out of it.'''
** As quoted in ''Doris Day : Her Own Story'' (1975) as told to  [[w:A. E. Hotchner|A. E. Hotchner]]

* I’ve been through everything. I always said I was like those round-bottomed circus dolls — you know, those dolls you could push down and they’d come back up? '''I’ve always been like that. I’ve always said, &quot;No matter what happens, if I get pushed down, I’m going to come right back up.&quot; '''
** [http://www.thebark.com/content/people-who-matter-interview-doris-day &quot;People Who Matter: An Interview with Doris Day&quot; by Cameron Woo and Nellie McKay in ''The Bark'', Issue 34, (January - February 2006)]

{{Misattributed begin}}
== Misattributed ==

* [[Gratitude]] is [[riches]]. [[Complaint]] is [[poverty]].
** Though she is quoted as saying this in a 1996 interview, she is quoting words which come from the ''[[w:Christian Science Hymnal|Christian Science Hymnal]]'', Hymn 249, &quot;[https://archive.org/details/christianscience0000unse_y0m0/page/249/mode/2up?q=249 O, when we see God's mercy]&quot; by [[Vivian Burnett]].
{{Misattributed end}}

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
*{{Official website}}
*[http://www.ddaf.org/ Doris Day Animal Foundation]
*{{IMDb name|13}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Day, Doris}}
[[Category:1922 births]]
[[Category:2019 deaths]]
[[Category:Actresses from the United States]]
[[Category:Singers from the United States]]
[[Category:Women musicians]]
[[Category:Memoirists from the United States]]
[[Category:Women authors]]
[[Category:People from Cincinnati]]
[[Category:Presidential Medal of Freedom recipients]]</text>
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      <text bytes="2110" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Doris Day in Love Me or Leave Me trailer.jpg|thumb|right|I’ve always said, &quot;No matter what happens, if I get pushed down, I’m going to come right back up.&quot;]]
'''[[W:Doris Day|Doris Day]]''' ([[3 April]] [[1922]] – [[13 May]] [[2019]]) was an American actor, singer, and animal welfare advocate.

{{actor-stub}}

== Quotes ==
* '''The really [[frightening]] thing about middle age is the [[knowledge]] that you'll grow out of it.'''
** As quoted in ''Doris Day : Her Own Story'' (1975) as told to  [[w:A. E. Hotchner|A. E. Hotchner]]

* I’ve been through everything. I always said I was like those round-bottomed circus dolls — you know, those dolls you could push down and they’d come back up? '''I’ve always been like that. I’ve always said, &quot;No matter what happens, if I get pushed down, I’m going to come right back up.&quot; '''
** [http://www.thebark.com/content/people-who-matter-interview-doris-day &quot;People Who Matter: An Interview with Doris Day&quot; by Cameron Woo and Nellie McKay in ''The Bark'', Issue 34, (January - February 2006)]

{{Misattributed begin}}
== Misattributed ==

* [[Gratitude]] is [[riches]]. [[Complaint]] is [[poverty]].
** Though she is quoted as saying this in a 1996 interview, she is also quoted as saying it is a maxim which she follows as a Christian Scientist; it comes from the ''[[w:Christian Science Hymnal|Christian Science Hymnal]]'', Hymn 249, &quot;[https://archive.org/details/christianscience0000unse_y0m0/page/249/mode/2up?q=249 O, when we see God's mercy]&quot; by Vivian Burnett: &quot;Our gratitude is riches, complaint is poverty.&quot;
{{Misattributed end}}

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
*{{Official website}}
*[http://www.ddaf.org/ Doris Day Animal Foundation]
*{{IMDb name|13}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Day, Doris}}
[[Category:1922 births]]
[[Category:2019 deaths]]
[[Category:Actresses from the United States]]
[[Category:Singers from the United States]]
[[Category:Women musicians]]
[[Category:Memoirists from the United States]]
[[Category:Women authors]]
[[Category:People from Cincinnati]]
[[Category:Presidential Medal of Freedom recipients]]</text>
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    <title>Ratatouille</title>
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'''''[[w:Ratatouille (film)|Ratatouille]]''''' is a ([[w:2007 in film|2007]]) animated [[w:Disney|Disney]]/[[w:Pixar|Pixar]] film about a rat (Remy) who longs to follow in the footsteps of his hero, the late Chef Auguste Gusteau (voice of [[Brad Garrett]]) — at one time considered to be the greatest chef in Paris. After discovering an unusual way through which he can control the actions of the hapless Linguini (voice of [[w:Lou Romano|Lou Romano]]), who was working as a garbage boy in the kitchen of Gusteau's restaurant at the time, he is given the ultimate opportunity to show the world what he can do.
:''Written and Directed by [[Brad Bird]].''
{{center|'''He's dying to become a chef.''' [[#Taglines|Taglines]]}}

== Dialogue ==
:'''Gusteau''': What I say is true, anyone can cook... but only the fearless can be great. 
:'''Remy''': Pure porety.  
:'''Narrator''': But it was not to last. Gusteau's restaurant lost one of its five stars after a scathing review by France's top food critic Anton Ego. It was a serve blow to Gusteau, and the great Chef died shortly afterward, which according l to tradition, meant the loss of another star. 
:'''Remy''': Gusteau is dead?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After Remy's been separated from his colony at York, United Kingdom]''
:'''Remy''': ''[voiceover]'' I waited. For a sound. A voice. A sign. Something!
:''[Remy is reading Gusteau's 'Anyone Can Cook'. He stops on a page with food on it, causing his stomach to grumble. He turns away, shielding the image of food from his view]''
:'''Gusteau''': ''[as a book illustration]'' If you are hungry, go up and look around, Remy.
:''[Remy is shocked to hear this. He looks under the page Gusteau's image is under.]''
:'''Gusteau''': Why do you wait and mope?
:'''Remy''': Well, I just lost my family, all my friends. Probably forever. 
:'''Gusteau''': How do you know?
:'''Remy''': I... uh... ''[catches himself with a scoff]'' You are an illustration! Why am I talking to you?!
:'''Gusteau''': Oh, you just lost your family, all your friends. You are lonely.
:'''Remy''': Yeah, well, you're dead!
:'''Gusteau''': Ah, but that is no match for wishful thinking! If you focus on what you left behind, you will never be able to see what lies ahead! Now go up and look around!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Remy is about to eat a bread crumb when Gusteau appears before him.]''
:'''Gusteau''': What are you doing?!?!
:'''Remy''': ''[Sighs]'' I'm hungry! I don't know where I am, I don't know when I'll find food again!
:'''Gusteau''': Remy, you are better than that. You are a cook! A cook makes, a thief takes! You are not a thief.
:'''Remy''': But I am hungry!
:'''Gusteau''': ''[chuckles]'' Food will come, Remy. Food always comes to those who love to cook.
:''[Gusteau’s image disappears into the bread crumb and Remy sighs]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Remy''': The sous chef... There. The sous is responsible for the kitchen when the chef's not around. Saucier, in charge of sauces. Very important. Chef de partie, demi chef de partie, both important. Commis, commis, they're cooks. Very important.
:'''Gusteau''': Ah, you are a clever rat. Now, who is that?
:''[He points to Linguini, who's clumsily cleaning up the kitchen]''
:'''Remy''': Oh, him? He’s nobody.
:'''Gusteau''': Not nobody. He is part of the kitchen.
:'''Remy''': No, he’s a plongeur or something! He washes dishes or takes out the garbage. He doesn’t cook.
:'''Gusteau''': But he could!
:'''Remy''': ''[dismissively]'' Uh, no! 
:'''Gusteau''': How do you know? What do I always say? Anyone can cook.
:'''Remy''': Well, yeah, anyone can!!!! That doesn't mean that anyone should!!!!
:'''Gusteau''': Well, that is not stopping him. See?
:''[Linguini has accidentally spilt a pot of soup and is attempting to cover up his mistake by throwing random ingredients into it.]''
:'''Remy''': What?! What are you doing?! No.... no!! No, this is terrible! He is... ruining the soup!! And nobody is noticing?!?! ''[to Gusteau]'' It is your restaurant! Do something!
:'''Gusteau''': What can I do?! I am a figment of your imagination!
:'''Remy''': ''[screaming]'' '''''BUT HE IS RUINING THE SOUP!!!!!!!!!!!! WE HAVE GOT TO TELL SOMEONE THAT HE IS...''''' ''[slips and falls into the kitchen]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Colette''': Anyone can cook.  
:''[pause, Skinner looks around at the other cooks, who are smiling with approval]''
:'''Skinner''': Perhaps I have been a bit harsh on our new garbage boy. He has taken a bold risk, and we should reward that, as Chef Gusteau would have. If he wishes to swim in dangerous waters, who are we to deny him.
:'''Gusteau''': You were escaping?   
:'''Remy''': Oh, yeah.   
:'''Skinner''': Since you have expressed such an interest in his cooking career, you shall be responsible for it. Anyone else? Hmm?! Then back to work! You are either very lucky or very unlucky. You will make the soup again, and this time I’ll be paying attention. Very close attention. They think you might be a cook, but do you know what I think, Linguini? I think you are a sneaky, overreaching little... ''[spots Remy attempting to escape]'' '''''RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:''[Grabs a broom and hits Remy with it]''
:'''Horst''': Get the rat!
:''[Everyone attempts to catch Remy]''
:'''Skinner''': Linguini! Get something to trap it!
:'''Horst''': It’s getting away! Get it, get it, get it!
:''[Linguini has trapped Remy in a jar.]''
:'''Linguini''': What should I do now?
:'''Skinner''': Kill it!
:'''Linguini''': Now?
:'''Skinner''': No!! Not in the kitchen! Are you mad?!?! If anyone knew we had a rat in our kitchen, they’d shut us down! Our reputation is hanging by a thread as it is! Take it away from here, far away! Kill it! Dispose of it! '''''GO!!!!!!!!!!!!''''' 
:'''Linguini''': Whoa! ''[hops onto his bicycle]'' Doh! Don't look at me like that! You're not the one only who's trapped! They expect me to cook it again! I'm mean, I'm not ambitious, I wasn’t trying to cook, I was just trying to stay out of trouble! You're the one who was getting fancy with the spices! ''[Furiously]'' What did you throw in there?! Oregano? No? What? Ro... uh, rosemary? That's a spice, isn't it? Rosemary? You didn't throw Rosemary in there? Then what was all the flipping, all the throwing the... ''[sighs]'' I need this job, I have lost so many, I do not know how to cook, and now I am actually talking to a rat as if you... ''[gasps]'' Did you nod?! Have you been nodding?! You understand me! So, I'm not crazy. Wait a second, wait a second. Uh, I can't cook, can I? ''[Remy shakes his head “no”]'' But you, heh, you can, right? Look, don't be so modest. You're a rat for a Pete's sake. Whatever you did, they liked it. Yeah. 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Anton Ego''': What is it, Ambrister? 
:'''Ambrister''': Gusteau's, sir.
:'''Anton Ego''': Finally closing, is it?
:'''Ambrister''': No, sir.
:'''Anton Ego''': More financial troubles?
:'''Ambrister''': No, it's... it's...
:'''Anton Ego''': Announced a new line of microwave egg-rolls?!?! What?! What?! Spit it out!
:'''Ambrister''': It's come back, it's popular.
:''[Ego partly spits out a mouthful of wine, before checking the label, then roughly swallowing the rest of the wine]'' 
:'''Anton Ego''': I haven't reviewed Gusteau's in years!
:'''Ambrister''': No, sir.
:'''Anton Ego''': My last review condemned it to the tourist trade.
:'''Ambrister''': Yes, sir. 
:''[Ego takes out a copy of his last review of Gusteau's]''
:'''Anton Ego''': I said: &quot;Gusteau has finally found his rightful place in history right alongside another equally famous chef, Monsieur Boyardee.&quot;
:'''Ambrister''': Touche!
:'''Anton Ego''': That is where we left it, that was my last word! The. Last. Word!
:'''Ambrister''': ''[cowering]'' Yes!
:'''Anton Ego''': Then tell me, Ambrister, how could it be popular?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Skinner''': ''No...no...no, no, NO, NOOO!! '''NOOOO!!!!''''' ''[Kicks drawer]'' 
:'''Talon''': The DNA matches, the timing works, everything checks out. He is Gusteau’s son.
:'''Skinner''': T-t-this can’t just- happen! The whole thing is a set up! '''''THE BOY KNOWS!!!!!!!!''''' Look at him out there, pretending to be an idiot! He’s toying with my mind, like a cat with a ball! Of something!
:'''Talon''': String?
:'''Skinner''': Yes! Playing dumb! Taunting me with that rat!
:'''Talon''': Rat? 
:'''Skinner''': Yes! He’s consorting with it! Deliberately trying to make me think it’s important!
:'''Talon''': The...rat? 
:'''Skinner''': Exactly!!!!
:'''Talon''': '''''Is''''' the rat important?
:'''Skinner''': Of course not! He just wants me to think that it is! Oh, no, I see the theatricality of it! A rat appears on the boy’s first night, I order him to kill it, and now he wants me to see it everywhere! ''[high voice]'' '''''OOOOH!!!!''''' It's here! No, it isn't, it's here! Am I seeing things, am I crazy, is there a phantom rat or is there not?! But, oh, no! I refuse to be sucked into his little game... of... 
:'''Talon''': ...Should I be concerned about this? About you? 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Horst''': It's your recipe! How can you not know your own RECIPE?!?!
:'''Linguini''': I didn't write it down, it just came to me!
:'''Horst''': Well, make it come to you again, ja?! '''''BECAUSE WE CAN'T SERVE THIS!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Mustafa''': Where's my order?!
:'''Linguini''': Can't we serve something else? Something I didn't invent?
:'''Larousse''': This is what they're ordering!
:'''Linguini''': Make them order something else! Tell them we're all out.
:'''Pompidou''': We cannot be all out. We just opened.
:'''Larousse''': I have another idea. '''''What if we serve them what they order?!?!'''''
:'''Colette''': We will make it! Just tell us what you did!
:'''Linguini''': I don't know what I did!
:'''Horst''': We need to tell the customers something! 
:'''Linguini''': Then tell them! Tell them! '''''AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:''[Linguini flees the kitchen]''
:'''Larousse''': Eh?!
:'''Django''': REMY!!   
:'''Emile''': Don’t do it!
:'''Django''': REMY!!   
:'''Emile''': They'll see you! Stop!
:'''Horst''': We are not talking about me! We are talking about what to do right now!
:'''Colette''': ''[gasps]'' Rats!!
:'''Horst''': RAAAATS!!
:'''Django''': REMY!!
:'''Horst''': GET MY KNIFE!!!!
:'''Linguini''': DON'T TOUCH HIM!! Thanks for coming back, Little Chef! I know this sounds insane, but... Well the truth sounds insane sometimes, but that doesn't mean it's not. Uh, the truth. And the truth is, I have no talent at all. But this rat, he's the one behind these recipes. He's the cook. The real cook. He’s been hiding under my toque. He's been controlling my actions. He's the reason I can cook the food that's exciting everyone. The reason Ego is outside that door. You've been giving me credit for the gift. I know it's a hard thing to believe. But, hey, you believed I could cook, right? Look, it works. It's crazy, bit it works. We can be the greatest restaurant in Paris, and this rat, this brilliant Little Chef, can lead us there! What do you say? You with me?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mustafa''': ''[taking Ego's order]'' Do you know what you’d like this evening, sir?
:'''Anton Ego''': Yes, I think I do. After reading a lot of overheated puffery about your new cook, you know what I'm craving? A little perspective. That's it. I’d like some fresh, clear, well-seasoned perspective. Can you suggest a good wine to go with that?
:'''Mustafa''': ''[confused]'' With what, sir?
:'''Anton Ego''': Perspective. Fresh out, I take it?
:'''Mustafa''': I am, uh...
:'''Anton Ego''': Very well. Since you're all out of perspective and no one else seems to have it in this bloody town, I'll make you a deal! You provide the food, I'll provide the perspective, which would go nicely with a bottle of Cheval Blanc 1947.
:'''Mustafa''': I'm afraid, um, your dinner selection?
:'''Anton Ego''': ''[stands up angrily]'' Tell your chef Linguini that I want whatever he dares to serve me. Tell him to hit me with his best shot!! 
:''[Skinner is in disguise nearby and speaks to his waiter]''
:'''Skinner''': ''[in a lower and gruff voice]'' I will have whatever he is having!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gusteau''': ''[Remy is locked in a cage in Skinner’s trunk]'' So, we have given up.
:'''Remy''': Why do you say that? 
:'''Gusteau''': We are in a cage, inside a car trunk, awaiting a future in frozen food products. 
:'''Remy''': No, I'm the one in a cage. I've given up. You... are free. 
:'''Gusteau''': I am only as free as you imagine me to be. As you are. 
:'''Remy''': Oh, please. I'm sick of pretending. I pretend to be a rat for my father, I pretend to be a human for Linguini. I pretend you exist, so I have someone to talk to! You only tell me stuff I already know! I know who I am! Why do I need you to tell me?! '''''WHY DO I NEED TO PRETEND?!?!'''''
:'''Gusteau''': ''[laughs]'' Ah. But you don't, Remy. You never did. ''[he disappears in a cage in Skinner's trunk]''
:''[Git pushes a statue off the building and misses it to land onto the Skinner's trunk]''
:'''Django''': ''[to Git]'' No. My other left!
:'''Remy''': ''[inside Skinner's trunk, mumbling]'' Dad? Dad, I'm in here! ''[Git pushes another statue off the building]'' I'm inside the trunk! ''[finally it causing it to land onto the Skinner's trunk]'' What the--? Dad!
:'''Emile''': Hey, little brother!
:'''Remy''': Emile! ''[Django and Emile releases him to the Skinner's cage, affectionate]'' I love you guys!
:'''Django''': Where are you going?
:'''Remy''': Back to the restaurant. They'll fail without me!
:'''Django''': Why do you care?!
:'''Remy''': '''''BECAUSE I'M A COOK!!!!'''''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Skinner''': Who cooked the ratatouille?! I demand to know!

== Taglines ==
* He's dying to become a chef!
* A Comedy with Great Taste!
* A Rat in a Kitchen! Cooking?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

== Cast ==
* [[Patton Oswalt]] — Remy
* [[w:Lou Romano|Lou Romano]] — Alfredo Linguini
* [[Janeane Garofalo]] — Colette
* [[w:Ian Holm|Ian Holm]] — Skinner
* [[w:Peter Sohn|Peter Sohn]] — Emile
* [[Brad Garrett]] — Gusteau
* [[w:Brian Dennehy|Brian Dennehy]] — Django
* [[w:Peter O'Toole|Peter O'Toole]] — Anton Ego
* [[Will Arnett]] — Horst
* [[w:Julius Callahan|Julius Callahan]] — Lalo
* [[w:James Remar|Jamie Remar]] — Larousse
* [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] — Mustafa
* [[w:Teddy Newton|Theodore Newton]] — Talon Labarthe
* [[w:Tony Fucile|Tony Fucile]] — Pompidou
* [[w:Jake Steinfeld|Jake Steinfeld]] — Git
* [[Brad Bird]] — Ambrister Minion
* [[w:Stephanie Roux (actor)|Stephanie Roux]] — the narrator of the cooking channel
* [[w:Thomas Keller|Tommie Keller]] — the male dining patron who asks what's new
* [[w:Winston I. Steve Barnum|Winston I. Steve Barnum]] _— the chef friendly male

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==

* I think our goal is to get the impression of something rather than perfect photographic reality. It’s to get the feeling of something so I think that our challenge was the computer basically wants to do things that are clean and perfect and don’t have any history to them. If you want to do something that’s different than that you have to put that information in there and the computer kind of fights you. It really doesn’t want to do that and Paris is a very rich city that has a lot of history to it and it’s lived in. Everything’s beautiful but it’s lived in. It has history to it, so it has imperfections and it’s part of why it’s beautiful is you can feel the history in every little nook and cranny. For us every single bit of that has to be put in there. We can’t go somewhere and film something. If there’s a crack in there, we have to design the crack and if you noticed the tiles on the floor of the restaurant, they’re not perfectly flat, they’re like slightly angled differently, and they catch light differently. Somebody has to sit there and angle them all separately so we had to focus on that a lot. And it was a movie about good food and the food had to look delicious and its data. How do you define what makes food look good. It’s actually a bunch of really subtle little complicated things and everybody worked really hard on it.
:* Brad Bird [http://collider.com/brad-bird-interview-ratatouille/]
* I entered this movie as director kind of late. I was asked to come on the project a little less than a year and a half ago, so several characters had been cast before I got there. Famous people like Madame Iandore Anna Holm, Brian Dennehy, and Brad Garrett were already on board and there were also some Pixar people who happened to have perfect voices, like Lou Romano who did Linguini. He was production designer on The Incredibles. And Peter Sohn is a young, very gifted story guide and animator who worked on Iron Giant and Incredibles and he did the voice of Emile, who is Remy’s brother. So those guys are in-house and they were already involved in the project and I didn’t see any reason to change what was perfect. I re-cast a couple characters and there was a lot of difficulty in casting Remy and I heard Patton Oswalt on the radio and I thought he’d be perfect. I brought Peter O’Toole on and when I was first writing the character of Anton Ego that was the voice I heard in my mind and I was just hoping that he would say yes and he did. But Janeane Garofalo we cast after I came on and she does Colette and a lot of people can’t even recognize her because she so completely disappears into this role, which is a testament to how great an actress she is, and I’m really happy with the voice track on this film because it put the challenge to the animators to come up to the quality and be inspired by the voices – and I think they did.
:* Brad Bird [http://www.gonewiththetwins.com/pages/interviews/2008/interview_ratatouille1.php]

*  It was six years ago and you look at the scope of your film and we knew it would be about rats and we knew we needed the rats to be able to move in certain ways. Pixar’s never really done a film with four-legged critters in it to any great extent, so I was excited because some of Disney’s great classical animated films have critters running around like this. We threw down to the tools group, who writes our code because it’s all proprietary software, that we need this to be phenomenal so we actually experimented for about a year in sort of a dead end, but it was always going to be promising and something special. Brad Bird made several things work that weren’t working. We figured that once we got them outfitted correctly with the right technical setup so that they could squash and stretch beyond what’s been done before in animation, that in the hands of a director like Brad who knows animation inside and out, that it would be phenomenal. As far as the food looking great, we hoped we would pull it off and I think we did. I think appetizing food in a film like this is a surprise and if people come out hungry, which I’ve heard has happened, then that’s a testament to that
:* Brian Lewis [:* Brad Bird [http://www.gonewiththetwins.com/pages/interviews/2008/interview_ratatouille1.php]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Ratatouille (film)}}
{{Commons category|Ratatouille (film)}}
* {{imdb title|id=0382932|title=Ratatouille}} &lt;!-- see [[Template:Imdb title]] on how to get IMDB ID --&gt;
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=ratatouille|title=Ratatouille}} &lt;!-- see [[Template:Rotten-tomatoes]] on how to get RT ID --&gt;
* The official [http://disney.go.com/disneypictures/ratatouille/ Ratatouille] site

[[Category:2007 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]                    [[te:రాటటౌల్లె (2007 సినిమా)]]
[[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:Films directed by Brad Bird]]
[[Category:Films about rats]]
[[Category:Films set in Paris]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Ratatouille (film)|Ratatouille]]''''' is a ([[w:2007 in film|2007]]) animated [[w:Disney|Disney]]/[[w:Pixar|Pixar]] film about a rat (Rémy) who longs to follow in the footsteps of his hero, the late Chef Auguste Gusteau — at one time considered to be the greatest chef in Paris. After discovering an unusual way through which he can control the actions of the hapless Linguini, who was working as a garbage boy in the kitchen of Gusteau's restaurant at the time, he is given the ultimate opportunity to show the world what he can do.
:''Written and Directed by [[Brad Bird]].''
{{center|'''He's dying to become a chef.'''&lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Dialogue ==
:''[After Remy's been separated from his colony]''
:'''Remy''': ''[voiceover]'' I waited. For a sound. A voice. A sign. ''Something''.
:''[Remy is reading Gusteau's 'Anyone Can Cook'. He stops on a page with food on it, causing his stomach to grumble. He turns away, shielding the image of food from his view]''
:'''Gusteau''': ''[as a book illustration]'' If you are hungry, go up and look around, Remy.
:''[Remy is shocked to hear this. He looks under the page Gusteau's image is under.]''
:'''Gusteau''': Why do you wait and mope?
:'''Remy''': Well, I just lost my family ... all my friends. Probably forever. 
:'''Gusteau''': How do you know?
:'''Remy''': I ... uh ... ''[catches himself with a scoff]'' ''You'' are an illustration. Why am I ''talking'' to you?
:'''Gusteau''': Oh, you just lost your family, all your friends. You are lonely.
:'''Remy''': Yeah ... well, ''you're'' dead.
:'''Gusteau''': Ah, but that is no match for wishful thinking! If you focus on what you left behind, you will never be able to see what lies ahead. Now go up and look around!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Remy's about to eat a bread crumb in someone's house when Gusteau appears before him.]''
:'''Gusteau''': What are you doing?!
:'''Remy''': ''[Sighs]'' I'm ''hungry''! I don't know ''where'' I am, I don't know ''when'' I'll find food again!
:'''Gusteau''': Rémy, you are better than that. You are a cook! A cook ''makes''; a thief ''takes''. You are not a thief.
:'''Remy''': But I ''am'' hungry.
:'''Gusteau''': ''[chuckles]'' Food will come, Remy. Food always comes to those who love to cook.
:''[Gusteau's image disappears into the bread crumb]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Remy''': Saucier, in charge of sauces. Very important. Chef de partie, demi chef de partie, both important. Commis, commis, they're cooks. Very important.
:'''Gusteau''': Ah, you are a clever rat. Now, who is that?
:''[He points to Linguini, who's clumsily cleaning up the kitchen]''
:'''Remy''': Oh, him? He’s nobody.
:'''Gusteau''': Not nobody. He is part of the kitchen.
:'''Remy''': No, he’s a ''plongeur'' or something. He washes dishes or takes out the garbage. He doesn’t cook.
:'''Gusteau''': But he ''could''.
:'''Remy''': ''[dismissively]'' Uh, no. 
:'''Gusteau''': How do you know? What do I always say, Remy? Anyone can cook.
:'''Remy''': Well yeah, anyone ''can''. That doesn't mean that anyone ''should''.
:'''Gusteau''': Well, that is not stopping him. See?
:''[Linguini has accidentally spilt a pot of soup and is attempting to cover up his mistake by throwing random ingredients into it.]''
:'''Remy''': What?! What is he doing?! No ...''NO''! No, this is terrible; he's ... ''RUINING THE SOUP''! A-and nobody's ''noticing''?! ''[to Gusteau]'' It's ''your'' restaurant! Do something!
:'''Gusteau''': What can ''I'' do? I am a figment of your imagination.
:'''Remy''': But he's ''ruining the soup!!'' We gotta tell someon-- ''[slips and falls]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[pause, Skinner looks around at the other cooks, who are smiling with approval]'' 
:'''Skinner''': Perhaps I have been a bit harsh on our new garbage boy. He has taken a bold risk, and we should reward that, as Chef Gusteau would have. If he wishes to swim in dangerous waters, who are we to deny him.
:'''Gusteau''': You were escaping?   
:'''Remy''': Oh, yeah.   
:'''Skinner''': Since you have expressed such an interest in his cooking career, you shall be responsible for it. Anyone else? Hmm... Then back to work! You are either very lucky or very unlucky. You will make the soup again, and this time I’ll be paying attention. Very close attention. They think you might be a cook, but do you know what I think, Linguini? I think you’re a sneaky, overreaching little... ''[spots Remy attempting to escape]'' ''RAAAAAAAT''!
:''[Grabs a broom and hits Remy with it]''
:'''Horst''': Get the rat!
:''[Everyone attempts to catch Remy]''
:'''Skinner''': Linguini! Get something to trap it!
:'''Horst''': It’s getting away! Get it, get it, get it!
:''[Linguini has trapped Rémy in a jar.]''
:'''Linguini''': What should I do now?
:'''Skinner''': Kill it!
:'''Linguini''': Now?
:'''Skinner''': ''NO''! Not in the kitchen! Are you ''mad''?! If anyone knew we had a rat in our kitchen, they’d shut us down! Our reputation is hanging by a thread as it is! Take it away from here - far away. Kill it! Dispose of it! Go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Anton Ego''': What is it, Ambrister? 
:'''Ambrister''': Gusteau's...
:'''Anton Ego''': Finally closing, is it?
:'''Ambrister''': No.
:'''Anton Ego''': More financial troubles?
:'''Ambrister''': No, it's... it's...
:'''Anton Ego''': Announced a new line of microwave egg-rolls?! What? What? Spit it ''out''!
:'''Ambrister''': It's come back, it's... popular.
:''[Ego partly spits out a mouthful of wine, before checking the label, then roughly swallowing the rest of the wine]'' 
:'''Anton Ego''': I haven't reviewed Gusteau's in years.
:'''Ambrister''': No sir.
:'''Anton Ego''': My last review condemned it to the tourist trade.
:'''Ambrister''': Yes sir. 
:''[Ego takes out a copy of his last review of Gusteau's]''
:'''Anton Ego''': I said: &quot;Gusteau has finally found his rightfully place in history right alongside another equally famous chef, Monsieur Boyardee.&quot;
:'''Ambrister''': Touché.
:'''Anton Ego''': That is where we left it, ''that'' was my last word. The. Last. ''Word''.
:'''Ambrister''': ''[cowering]'' Yes.
:'''Anton Ego''': Then tell me Ambrister; how could it be ''popular''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Skinner''': No, no, no, no, no, no, no! ''[Kicks drawer]'' 
:'''Talon''': The DNA matches, the timing works, everything checks out. He is Gusteau’s son.
:'''Skinner''': T-t-this can’t just happen! The whole thing is a set up! The boy knows! Look at him out there pretending to be an idiot! He’s toying with my mind, like a cat with a ball! Of... something!
:'''Talon''': String?
:'''Skinner''': Yes! Playing dumb! Taunting me with that rat!
:'''Talon''': Rat? 
:'''Skinner''': Yes! He’s consorting with it! Deliberately trying to make me think it’s important!
:'''Talon''': The... rat? 
:'''Skinner''': Exactly!
:'''Talon''': Is the rat... important?
:'''Skinner''': Of course not! He just wants me to ''think'' that it is! O-ho, I see the theatricality of it! A rat appears on the boy's first night, I order him to kill it, and now he wants me to see it ''everywhere''! ''[high voice]'' Ooooh! It's here! No it isn't, it's here! Am I seeing things, am I crazy, is there a phantom rat or is there not?! But oh, no! I refuse to be sucked into his little game... of...
:'''Talon''': ...Should I be concerned about this? About you? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Horst''': It's your recipe. How can you not know your own RECIPE?!
:'''Linguini''': I didn't write it down, it just came to me!
:'''Horst''': Well make it come to you again, ja? BECAUSE WE CAN'T SERVE THIS!
:'''Linguini''': What if we just make something up?
:'''Larousse''': What if we ''serve them what they order''?!
:'''Colette''': We will make it! Just tell us what you did!
:'''Linguini''': I don't ''know'' what I did!
:'''Horst''': We need to tell the customers ''recipes''! 
:'''Linguini''': Then tell them... tell them... AAAH!
:''[Linguini flees the kitchen]''
:'''Larousse''': ...Eh?
:'''Django''': Remy.   
:'''Emile''': Don’t do it.
:'''Django''': Remy! Don’t! Stop!  
:'''Emile''': They'll see you. Stop.
:'''Horst''': We’re not talking about me. We’re talking about what to do right... 
:'''Chefs''': RATS!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mustafa''': ''[taking Ego's order]'' Do you know what you'd like this evening, sir?
:'''Anton Ego''': Yes, I think I do. After reading a lot of overheated puffery about your new cook, you know what I'm craving? A little perspective. That's it. I'd like some fresh, clear, well-seasoned perspective. Can you suggest a good wine to go with that?
:'''Mustafa''': ''[confused]'' With what, sir?
:'''Anton Ego''': Perspective. Fresh out, I take it?
:'''Mustafa''': I am, uh...
:'''Anton Ego''': Very well. Since you're all out of perspective and no one else seems to have it in this ''BLOODY town'', I'll make you a deal. ''You'' provide the food, ''I'll'' provide the perspective, which would go nicely with a bottle of Cheval Blanc 1947.
:'''Mustafa''': I'm afraid... your dinner selection?
:'''Anton Ego''': ''[stands up angrily]'' Tell your chef Linguini that I want whatever he dares to serve me. Tell him to ''hit'' me with his best ''SHOT''.
:''[Skinner is in disguise nearby and speaks to his waiter]''
:'''Skinner''': ''[in a lower and gruff voice]'' I will 'ave whatever 'e is having.

== Taglines ==
* He's dying to become a chef.
* A Comedy with Great Taste.
* A Rat in a Kitchen... Cooking?!?!?!

== Cast ==
* [[Patton Oswalt]] — Rémy
* [[w:Lou Romano|Lou Romano]] — Linguini
* [[Janeane Garofalo]] — Colette
* [[w:Ian Holm|Ian Holm]] — Skinner
* [[w:Peter Sohn|Peter Sohn]] — Émile
* [[Brad Garrett]] — Gusteau
* [[w:Brian Dennehy|Brian Dennehy]] — Django
* [[w:Peter O'Toole|Peter O'Toole]] — Anton Ego
* [[Will Arnett]] — Horst
* [[w:Julius Callahan|Julius Callahan]] — Lalo
* [[w:James Remar|James Remar]] — Larousse
* [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] — Mustafa
* [[w:Teddy Newton|Teddy Newton]] — Talon Labarthe
* [[w:Tony Fucile|Tony Fucile]] — Pompidou
* [[w:Jake Steinfeld|Jake Steinfeld]] — Git
* [[Brad Bird]] — Ambrister Minion
* [[w:Stéphane Roux (actor)|Stéphane Roux]] — the narrator of the cooking channel
* [[w:Thomas Keller|Thomas Keller]] — the male dining patron who asks what's new
* [[w:Winston I. Steve Barnum|Winston I. Steve Barnum]] — the chef friendly male

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==

* I think our goal is to get the impression of something rather than perfect photographic reality. It’s to get the feeling of something so I think that our challenge was the computer basically wants to do things that are clean and perfect and don’t have any history to them. If you want to do something that’s different than that you have to put that information in there and the computer kind of fights you. It really doesn’t want to do that and Paris is a very rich city that has a lot of history to it and it’s lived in. Everything’s beautiful but it’s lived in. It has history to it, so it has imperfections and it’s part of why it’s beautiful is you can feel the history in every little nook and cranny. For us every single bit of that has to be put in there. We can’t go somewhere and film something. If there’s a crack in there, we have to design the crack and if you noticed the tiles on the floor of the restaurant, they’re not perfectly flat, they’re like slightly angled differently, and they catch light differently. Somebody has to sit there and angle them all separately so we had to focus on that a lot. And it was a movie about good food and the food had to look delicious and its data. How do you define what makes food look good. It’s actually a bunch of really subtle little complicated things and everybody worked really hard on it.
:* Brad Bird [http://collider.com/brad-bird-interview-ratatouille/]
* I entered this movie as director kind of late. I was asked to come on the project a little less than a year and a half ago, so several characters had been cast before I got there. Famous people like Ian Holm, Brian Dennehy, and Brad Garrett were already on board and there were also some Pixar people who happened to have perfect voices, like Lou Romano who did Linguini. He was production designer on The Incredibles. And Pete Sohn is a young, very gifted story guide and animator who worked on Iron Giant and Incredibles and he did the voice of Emile, who is Remy’s brother. So those guys are in-house and they were already involved in the project and I didn’t see any reason to change what was perfect. I re-cast a couple characters and there was a lot of difficulty in casting Remy and I heard Patton Oswalt on the radio and I thought he’d be perfect. I brought Peter O’Toole on and when I was first writing the character of Anton Ego that was the voice I heard in my mind and I was just hoping that he would say yes and he did. But Janeane Garofalo we cast after I came on and she does Colette and a lot of people can’t even recognize her because she so completely disappears into this role, which is a testament to how great an actress she is, and I’m really happy with the voice track on this film because it put the challenge to the animators to come up to the quality and be inspired by the voices – and I think they did.
:* Brad Bird [http://www.gonewiththetwins.com/pages/interviews/2008/interview_ratatouille1.php]

*  It was six years ago and you look at the scope of your film and we knew it would be about rats and we knew we needed the rats to be able to move in certain ways. Pixar’s never really done a film with four-legged critters in it to any great extent, so I was excited because some of Disney’s great classical animated films have critters running around like this. We threw down to the tools group, who writes our code because it’s all proprietary software, that we need this to be phenomenal so we actually experimented for about a year in sort of a dead end, but it was always going to be promising and something special. Brad Bird made several things work that weren’t working. We figured that once we got them outfitted correctly with the right technical setup so that they could squash and stretch beyond what’s been done before in animation, that in the hands of a director like Brad who knows animation inside and out, that it would be phenomenal. As far as the food looking great, we hoped we would pull it off and I think we did. I think appetizing food in a film like this is a surprise and if people come out hungry, which I’ve heard has happened, then that’s a testament to that
:* Brian Lewis [:* Brad Bird [http://www.gonewiththetwins.com/pages/interviews/2008/interview_ratatouille1.php]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Ratatouille (film)}}
{{Commons category|Ratatouille (film)}}
* {{imdb title|id=0382932|title=Ratatouille}} &lt;!-- see [[Template:Imdb title]] on how to get IMDB ID --&gt;
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=ratatouille|title=Ratatouille}} &lt;!-- see [[Template:Rotten-tomatoes]] on how to get RT ID --&gt;
* The official [http://disney.go.com/disneypictures/ratatouille/ Ratatouille] site

[[Category:2007 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]                    [[te:రాటటౌల్లె (2007 సినిమా)]]
[[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:Jan Pinkava films]]
[[Category:Food and drink]]
[[Category:Films directed by Brad Bird]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Ratatouille (film)|Ratatouille]]''''' is a ([[w:2007 in film|2007]]) animated [[w:Disney|Disney]]/[[w:Pixar|Pixar]] film about a rat (Rémy) who longs to follow in the footsteps of his hero, the late Chef Auguste Gusteau — at one time considered to be the greatest chef in Paris. After discovering an unusual way through which he can control the actions of the hapless Linguini, who was working as a garbage boy in the kitchen of Gusteau's restaurant at the time, he is given the ultimate opportunity to show the world what he can do.
:''Written and Directed by [[Brad Bird]].''
{{center|'''He's dying to become a chef.'''&lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Dialogue ==
:''[After Remy's been separated from his colony]''
:'''Remy''': ''[voiceover]'' I waited. For a sound. A voice. A sign. ''Something''.
:''[Remy is reading Gusteau's 'Anyone Can Cook'. He stops on a page with food on it, causing his stomach to grumble. He turns away, shielding the image of food from his view]''
:'''Gusteau''': ''[as a book illustration]'' If you are hungry, go up and look around, Remy.
:''[Remy is shocked to hear this. He looks under the page Gusteau's image is under.]''
:'''Gusteau''': Why do you wait and mope?
:'''Remy''': Well, I just lost my family ... all my friends. Probably forever. 
:'''Gusteau''': How do you know?
:'''Remy''': I ... uh ... ''[catches himself with a scoff]'' ''You'' are an illustration. Why am I ''talking'' to you?
:'''Gusteau''': Oh, you just lost your family, all your friends. You are lonely.
:'''Remy''': Yeah ... well, ''you're'' dead.
:'''Gusteau''': Ah, but that is no match for wishful thinking! If you focus on what you left behind, you will never be able to see what lies ahead. Now go up and look around!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Remy's about to eat a bread crumb in someone's house when Gusteau appears before him.]''
:'''Gusteau''': What are you doing?!
:'''Remy''': ''[Sighs]'' I'm ''hungry''! I don't know ''where'' I am, I don't know ''when'' I'll find food again!
:'''Gusteau''': Rémy, you are better than that. You are a cook! A cook ''makes''; a thief ''takes''. You are not a thief.
:'''Remy''': But I ''am'' hungry.
:'''Gusteau''': ''[chuckles]'' Food will come, Remy. Food always comes to those who love to cook.
:''[Gusteau's image disappears into the bread crumb]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Remy''': The sous is responsible for the kitchen when the chef's not around. Saucier, in charge of sauces. Very important. Chef de partie, demi chef de partie, both important. Commis, commis, they're cooks. Very important.
:'''Gusteau''': Ah, you are a clever rat. Now, who is that?
:''[He points to Linguini, who's clumsily cleaning up the kitchen]''
:'''Remy''': Oh, him? He’s nobody.
:'''Gusteau''': Not nobody. He is part of the kitchen.
:'''Remy''': No, he’s a ''plongeur'' or something. He washes dishes or takes out the garbage. He doesn’t cook.
:'''Gusteau''': But he ''could''.
:'''Remy''': ''[dismissively]'' Uh, no. 
:'''Gusteau''': How do you know? What do I always say, Remy? Anyone can cook.
:'''Remy''': Well yeah, anyone ''can''. That doesn't mean that anyone ''should''.
:'''Gusteau''': Well, that is not stopping him. See?
:''[Linguini has accidentally spilt a pot of soup and is attempting to cover up his mistake by throwing random ingredients into it.]''
:'''Remy''': What?! What is he doing?! No ...''NO''! No, this is terrible; he's ... ''RUINING THE SOUP''! A-and nobody's ''noticing''?! ''[to Gusteau]'' It's ''your'' restaurant! Do something!
:'''Gusteau''': What can ''I'' do? I am a figment of your imagination.
:'''Remy''': But he's ''ruining the soup!!'' We gotta tell someon-- ''[slips and falls]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[pause, Skinner looks around at the other cooks, who are smiling with approval]'' 
:'''Skinner''': Perhaps I have been a bit harsh on our new garbage boy. He has taken a bold risk, and we should reward that, as Chef Gusteau would have. If he wishes to swim in dangerous waters, who are we to deny him.
:'''Gusteau''': You were escaping?   
:'''Remy''': Oh, yeah.   
:'''Skinner''': Since you have expressed such an interest in his cooking career, you shall be responsible for it. Anyone else? Hmm... Then back to work! You are either very lucky or very unlucky. You will make the soup again, and this time I’ll be paying attention. Very close attention. They think you might be a cook, but do you know what I think, Linguini? I think you’re a sneaky, overreaching little... ''[spots Remy attempting to escape]'' ''RAAAAAAAT''!
:''[Grabs a broom and hits Remy with it]''
:'''Horst''': Get the rat!
:''[Everyone attempts to catch Remy]''
:'''Skinner''': Linguini! Get something to trap it!
:'''Horst''': It’s getting away! Get it, get it, get it!
:''[Linguini has trapped Rémy in a jar.]''
:'''Linguini''': What should I do now?
:'''Skinner''': Kill it!
:'''Linguini''': Now?
:'''Skinner''': ''NO''! Not in the kitchen! Are you ''mad''?! If anyone knew we had a rat in our kitchen, they’d shut us down! Our reputation is hanging by a thread as it is! Take it away from here - far away. Kill it! Dispose of it! Go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Anton Ego''': What is it, Ambrister? 
:'''Ambrister''': Gusteau's...
:'''Anton Ego''': Finally closing, is it?
:'''Ambrister''': No.
:'''Anton Ego''': More financial troubles?
:'''Ambrister''': No, it's... it's...
:'''Anton Ego''': Announced a new line of microwave egg-rolls?! What? What? Spit it ''out''!
:'''Ambrister''': It's come back, it's... popular.
:''[Ego partly spits out a mouthful of wine, before checking the label, then roughly swallowing the rest of the wine]'' 
:'''Anton Ego''': I haven't reviewed Gusteau's in years.
:'''Ambrister''': No sir.
:'''Anton Ego''': My last review condemned it to the tourist trade.
:'''Ambrister''': Yes sir. 
:''[Ego takes out a copy of his last review of Gusteau's]''
:'''Anton Ego''': I said: &quot;Gusteau has finally found his rightfully place in history right alongside another equally famous chef, Monsieur Boyardee.&quot;
:'''Ambrister''': Touché.
:'''Anton Ego''': That is where we left it, ''that'' was my last word. The. Last. ''Word''.
:'''Ambrister''': ''[cowering]'' Yes.
:'''Anton Ego''': Then tell me Ambrister; how could it be ''popular''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Skinner''': No, no, no, no, no, no, no! ''[Kicks drawer]'' 
:'''Talon''': The DNA matches, the timing works, everything checks out. He is Gusteau’s son.
:'''Skinner''': T-t-this can’t just happen! The whole thing is a set up! The boy knows! Look at him out there pretending to be an idiot! He’s toying with my mind, like a cat with a ball! Of... something!
:'''Talon''': String?
:'''Skinner''': Yes! Playing dumb! Taunting me with that rat!
:'''Talon''': Rat? 
:'''Skinner''': Yes! He’s consorting with it! Deliberately trying to make me think it’s important!
:'''Talon''': The... rat? 
:'''Skinner''': Exactly!
:'''Talon''': Is the rat... important?
:'''Skinner''': Of course not! He just wants me to ''think'' that it is! O-ho, I see the theatricality of it! A rat appears on the boy's first night, I order him to kill it, and now he wants me to see it ''everywhere''! ''[high voice]'' Ooooh! It's here! No it isn't, it's here! Am I seeing things, am I crazy, is there a phantom rat or is there not?! But oh, no! I refuse to be sucked into his little game... of...
:'''Talon''': ...Should I be concerned about this? About you? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Horst''': It's your recipe. How can you not know your own RECIPE?!
:'''Linguini''': I didn't write it down, it just came to me!
:'''Horst''': Well make it come to you again, ja? BECAUSE WE CAN'T SERVE THIS!
:'''Linguini''': What if we just make something up?
:'''Larousse''': What if we ''serve them what they order''?!
:'''Colette''': We will make it! Just tell us what you did!
:'''Linguini''': I don't ''know'' what I did!
:'''Horst''': We need to tell the customers ''recipes''! 
:'''Linguini''': Then tell them... tell them... AAAH!
:''[Linguini flees the kitchen]''
:'''Larousse''': ...Eh?
:'''Django''': Remy.   
:'''Emile''': Don’t do it.
:'''Django''': Remy! Don’t! Stop!  
:'''Emile''': They'll see you. Stop.
:'''Horst''': We’re not talking about me. We’re talking about what to do right... 
:'''Chefs''': RATS!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mustafa''': ''[taking Ego's order]'' Do you know what you'd like this evening, sir?
:'''Anton Ego''': Yes, I think I do. After reading a lot of overheated puffery about your new cook, you know what I'm craving? A little perspective. That's it. I'd like some fresh, clear, well-seasoned perspective. Can you suggest a good wine to go with that?
:'''Mustafa''': ''[confused]'' With what, sir?
:'''Anton Ego''': Perspective. Fresh out, I take it?
:'''Mustafa''': I am, uh...
:'''Anton Ego''': Very well. Since you're all out of perspective and no one else seems to have it in this ''BLOODY town'', I'll make you a deal. ''You'' provide the food, ''I'll'' provide the perspective, which would go nicely with a bottle of Cheval Blanc 1947.
:'''Mustafa''': I'm afraid... your dinner selection?
:'''Anton Ego''': ''[stands up angrily]'' Tell your chef Linguini that I want whatever he dares to serve me. Tell him to ''hit'' me with his best ''SHOT''.
:''[Skinner is in disguise nearby and speaks to his waiter]''
:'''Skinner''': ''[in a lower and gruff voice]'' I will 'ave whatever 'e is having.

== Taglines ==
* He's dying to become a chef.
* A Comedy with Great Taste.
* A Rat in a Kitchen... Cooking?!?!?!

== Cast ==
* [[Patton Oswalt]] — Rémy
* [[w:Lou Romano|Lou Romano]] — Linguini
* [[Janeane Garofalo]] — Colette
* [[w:Ian Holm|Ian Holm]] — Skinner
* [[w:Peter Sohn|Peter Sohn]] — Émile
* [[Brad Garrett]] — Gusteau
* [[w:Brian Dennehy|Brian Dennehy]] — Django
* [[w:Peter O'Toole|Peter O'Toole]] — Anton Ego
* [[Will Arnett]] — Horst
* [[w:Julius Callahan|Julius Callahan]] — Lalo
* [[w:James Remar|James Remar]] — Larousse
* [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] — Mustafa
* [[w:Teddy Newton|Teddy Newton]] — Talon Labarthe
* [[w:Tony Fucile|Tony Fucile]] — Pompidou
* [[w:Jake Steinfeld|Jake Steinfeld]] — Git
* [[Brad Bird]] — Ambrister Minion
* [[w:Stéphane Roux (actor)|Stéphane Roux]] — the narrator of the cooking channel
* [[w:Thomas Keller|Thomas Keller]] — the male dining patron who asks what's new
* [[w:Winston I. Steve Barnum|Winston I. Steve Barnum]] — the chef friendly male

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==

* I think our goal is to get the impression of something rather than perfect photographic reality. It’s to get the feeling of something so I think that our challenge was the computer basically wants to do things that are clean and perfect and don’t have any history to them. If you want to do something that’s different than that you have to put that information in there and the computer kind of fights you. It really doesn’t want to do that and Paris is a very rich city that has a lot of history to it and it’s lived in. Everything’s beautiful but it’s lived in. It has history to it, so it has imperfections and it’s part of why it’s beautiful is you can feel the history in every little nook and cranny. For us every single bit of that has to be put in there. We can’t go somewhere and film something. If there’s a crack in there, we have to design the crack and if you noticed the tiles on the floor of the restaurant, they’re not perfectly flat, they’re like slightly angled differently, and they catch light differently. Somebody has to sit there and angle them all separately so we had to focus on that a lot. And it was a movie about good food and the food had to look delicious and its data. How do you define what makes food look good. It’s actually a bunch of really subtle little complicated things and everybody worked really hard on it.
:* Brad Bird [http://collider.com/brad-bird-interview-ratatouille/]
* I entered this movie as director kind of late. I was asked to come on the project a little less than a year and a half ago, so several characters had been cast before I got there. Famous people like Ian Holm, Brian Dennehy, and Brad Garrett were already on board and there were also some Pixar people who happened to have perfect voices, like Lou Romano who did Linguini. He was production designer on The Incredibles. And Pete Sohn is a young, very gifted story guide and animator who worked on Iron Giant and Incredibles and he did the voice of Emile, who is Remy’s brother. So those guys are in-house and they were already involved in the project and I didn’t see any reason to change what was perfect. I re-cast a couple characters and there was a lot of difficulty in casting Remy and I heard Patton Oswalt on the radio and I thought he’d be perfect. I brought Peter O’Toole on and when I was first writing the character of Anton Ego that was the voice I heard in my mind and I was just hoping that he would say yes and he did. But Janeane Garofalo we cast after I came on and she does Colette and a lot of people can’t even recognize her because she so completely disappears into this role, which is a testament to how great an actress she is, and I’m really happy with the voice track on this film because it put the challenge to the animators to come up to the quality and be inspired by the voices – and I think they did.
:* Brad Bird [http://www.gonewiththetwins.com/pages/interviews/2008/interview_ratatouille1.php]

*  It was six years ago and you look at the scope of your film and we knew it would be about rats and we knew we needed the rats to be able to move in certain ways. Pixar’s never really done a film with four-legged critters in it to any great extent, so I was excited because some of Disney’s great classical animated films have critters running around like this. We threw down to the tools group, who writes our code because it’s all proprietary software, that we need this to be phenomenal so we actually experimented for about a year in sort of a dead end, but it was always going to be promising and something special. Brad Bird made several things work that weren’t working. We figured that once we got them outfitted correctly with the right technical setup so that they could squash and stretch beyond what’s been done before in animation, that in the hands of a director like Brad who knows animation inside and out, that it would be phenomenal. As far as the food looking great, we hoped we would pull it off and I think we did. I think appetizing food in a film like this is a surprise and if people come out hungry, which I’ve heard has happened, then that’s a testament to that
:* Brian Lewis [:* Brad Bird [http://www.gonewiththetwins.com/pages/interviews/2008/interview_ratatouille1.php]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Ratatouille (film)}}
{{Commons category|Ratatouille (film)}}
* {{imdb title|id=0382932|title=Ratatouille}} &lt;!-- see [[Template:Imdb title]] on how to get IMDB ID --&gt;
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=ratatouille|title=Ratatouille}} &lt;!-- see [[Template:Rotten-tomatoes]] on how to get RT ID --&gt;
* The official [http://disney.go.com/disneypictures/ratatouille/ Ratatouille] site

[[Category:2007 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]                    [[te:రాటటౌల్లె (2007 సినిమా)]]
[[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:Jan Pinkava films]]
[[Category:Food and drink]]
[[Category:Films directed by Brad Bird]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Ratatouille (film)|Ratatouille]]''''' is a ([[w:2007 in film|2007]]) animated [[w:Disney|Disney]]/[[w:Pixar|Pixar]] film about a rat (Rémy) who longs to follow in the footsteps of his hero, the late Chef Auguste Gusteau — at one time considered to be the greatest chef in Paris. After discovering an unusual way through which he can control the actions of the hapless Linguini, who was working as a garbage boy in the kitchen of Gusteau's restaurant at the time, he is given the ultimate opportunity to show the world what he can do.
:''Written and Directed by [[Brad Bird]].''
{{center|'''He's dying to become a chef.'''&lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Dialogue ==
:''[After Remy's been separated from his colony]''
:'''Remy''': ''[voiceover]'' I waited. For a sound. A voice. A sign. ''Something''.
:''[Remy is reading Gusteau's 'Anyone Can Cook'. He stops on a page with food on it, causing his stomach to grumble. He turns away, shielding the image of food from his view]''
:'''Gusteau''': ''[as a book illustration]'' If you are hungry, go up and look around, Remy.
:''[Remy is shocked to hear this. He looks under the page Gusteau's image is under.]''
:'''Gusteau''': Why do you wait and mope?
:'''Remy''': Well, I just lost my family ... all my friends. Probably forever. 
:'''Gusteau''': How do you know?
:'''Remy''': I ... uh ... ''[catches himself with a scoff]'' ''You'' are an illustration. Why am I ''talking'' to you?
:'''Gusteau''': Oh, you just lost your family, all your friends. You are lonely.
:'''Remy''': Yeah ... well, ''you're'' dead.
:'''Gusteau''': Ah, but that is no match for wishful thinking! If you focus on what you left behind, you will never be able to see what lies ahead. Now go up and look around!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Remy's about to eat a bread crumb in someone's house when Gusteau appears before him.]''
:'''Gusteau''': What are you doing?!
:'''Remy''': ''[Sighs]'' I'm ''hungry''! I don't know ''where'' I am, I don't know ''when'' I'll find food again!
:'''Gusteau''': Rémy, you are better than that. You are a cook! A cook ''makes''; a thief ''takes''. You are not a thief.
:'''Remy''': But I ''am'' hungry.
:'''Gusteau''': ''[chuckles]'' Food will come, Remy. Food always comes to those who love to cook.
:''[Gusteau's image disappears into the bread crumb]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Remy''': The sous is responsible for the kitchen when the chef's not around. Saucier, in charge of sauces. Very important. Chef de partie, demi chef de partie, both important. Commis, commis, they're cooks. Very important.
:'''Gusteau''': Ah, you are a clever rat. Now, who is that?
:''[He points to Linguini, who's clumsily cleaning up the kitchen]''
:'''Remy''': Oh, him? He’s nobody.
:'''Gusteau''': Not nobody. He is part of the kitchen.
:'''Remy''': No, he’s a ''plongeur'' or something. He washes dishes or takes out the garbage. He doesn’t cook.
:'''Gusteau''': But he ''could''.
:'''Remy''': ''[dismissively]'' Uh, no. 
:'''Gusteau''': How do you know? What do I always say, Remy? Anyone can cook.
:'''Remy''': Well yeah, anyone ''can''. That doesn't mean that anyone ''should''.
:'''Gusteau''': Well, that is not stopping him. See?
:''[Linguini has accidentally spilt a pot of soup and is attempting to cover up his mistake by throwing random ingredients into it.]''
:'''Remy''': What?! What is he doing?! No ...''NO''! No, this is terrible; he's ... ''RUINING THE SOUP''! A-and nobody's ''noticing''?! ''[to Gusteau]'' It's ''your'' restaurant! Do something!
:'''Gusteau''': What can ''I'' do? I am a figment of your imagination.
:'''Remy''': But he's ''ruining the soup!!'' We gotta tell someon-- ''[slips and falls]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[pause, Skinner looks around at the other cooks, who are smiling with approval]'' 
:'''Skinner''': Perhaps I have been a bit harsh on our new garbage boy. He has taken a bold risk, and we should reward that, as Chef Gusteau would have. If he wishes to swim in dangerous waters, who are we to deny him.
:'''Gusteau''': You were escaping?   
:'''Remy''': Oh, yeah.   
:'''Skinner''': Since you have expressed such an interest in his cooking career, you shall be responsible for it. Anyone else? Hmm... Then back to work! You are either very lucky or very unlucky. You will make the soup again, and this time I’ll be paying attention. Very close attention. They think you might be a cook, but do you know what I think, Linguini? I think you’re a sneaky, overreaching little... ''[spots Remy attempting to escape]'' ''RAAAAAAAT''!
:''[Grabs a broom and hits Remy with it]''
:'''Horst''': Get the rat!
:''[Everyone attempts to catch Remy]''
:'''Skinner''': Linguini! Get something to trap it!
:'''Horst''': It’s getting away! Get it, get it, get it!
:''[Linguini has trapped Rémy in a jar.]''
:'''Linguini''': What should I do now?
:'''Skinner''': Kill it!
:'''Linguini''': Now?
:'''Skinner''': ''NO''! Not in the kitchen! Are you ''mad''?! If anyone knew we had a rat in our kitchen, they’d shut us down! Our reputation is hanging by a thread as it is! Take it away from here - far away. Kill it! Dispose of it! Go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Anton Ego''': What is it, Ambrister? 
:'''Ambrister''': Gusteau's...
:'''Anton Ego''': Finally closing, is it?
:'''Ambrister''': No.
:'''Anton Ego''': More financial troubles?
:'''Ambrister''': No, it's... it's...
:'''Anton Ego''': Announced a new line of microwave egg-rolls?! What? What? Spit it ''out''!
:'''Ambrister''': It's come back, it's... popular.
:''[Ego partly spits out a mouthful of wine, before checking the label, then roughly swallowing the rest of the wine]'' 
:'''Anton Ego''': I haven't reviewed Gusteau's in years.
:'''Ambrister''': No sir.
:'''Anton Ego''': My last review condemned it to the tourist trade.
:'''Ambrister''': Yes sir. 
:''[Ego takes out a copy of his last review of Gusteau's]''
:'''Anton Ego''': I said: &quot;Gusteau has finally found his rightfully place in history right alongside another equally famous chef, Monsieur Boyardee.&quot;
:'''Ambrister''': Touché.
:'''Anton Ego''': That is where we left it, ''that'' was my last word. The. Last. ''Word''.
:'''Ambrister''': ''[cowering]'' Yes.
:'''Anton Ego''': Then tell me Ambrister; how could it be ''popular''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Skinner''': No, no, no, no, no, no, no! ''[Kicks drawer]'' 
:'''Talon''': The DNA matches, the timing works, everything checks out. He is Gusteau’s son.
:'''Skinner''': T-t-this can’t just happen! The whole thing is a set up! The boy knows! Look at him out there pretending to be an idiot! He’s toying with my mind, like a cat with a ball! Of... something!
:'''Talon''': String?
:'''Skinner''': Yes! Playing dumb! Taunting me with that rat!
:'''Talon''': Rat? 
:'''Skinner''': Yes! He’s consorting with it! Deliberately trying to make me think it’s important!
:'''Talon''': The... rat? 
:'''Skinner''': Exactly!
:'''Talon''': Is the rat... important?
:'''Skinner''': Of course not! He just wants me to ''think'' that it is! O-ho, I see the theatricality of it! A rat appears on the boy's first night, I order him to kill it, and now he wants me to see it ''everywhere''! ''[high voice]'' Ooooh! It's here! No it isn't, it's here! Am I seeing things, am I crazy, is there a phantom rat or is there not?! But oh, no! I refuse to be sucked into his little game... of...
:'''Talon''': ...Should I be concerned about this? About you? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Horst''': It's your recipe. How can you not know your own RECIPE?!
:'''Linguini''': I didn't write it down, it just came to me!
:'''Horst''': Well make it come to you again, ja? BECAUSE WE CAN'T SERVE THIS!
:'''Mustafa''': Where's the order?!  '''Linguini''': What if we just make something up?
:'''Larousse''': What if we ''serve them what they order''?!
:'''Colette''': We will make it! Just tell us what you did!
:'''Linguini''': I don't ''know'' what I did!
:'''Horst''': We need to tell the customers ''recipes''! 
:'''Linguini''': Then tell them... tell them... AAAH!
:''[Linguini flees the kitchen]''
:'''Larousse''': ...Eh?
:'''Django''': Remy.   
:'''Emile''': Don’t do it.
:'''Django''': Remy! Don’t! Stop!  
:'''Emile''': They'll see you. Stop.
:'''Horst''': We’re not talking about me. We’re talking about what to do right... 
:'''Chefs''': RATS!
:'''Django''': Remy!
:'''Horst''': Get my knife!  '''Linguini''': Don't touch him! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mustafa''': ''[taking Ego's order]'' Do you know what you'd like this evening, sir?
:'''Anton Ego''': Yes, I think I do. After reading a lot of overheated puffery about your new cook, you know what I'm craving? A little perspective. That's it. I'd like some fresh, clear, well-seasoned perspective. Can you suggest a good wine to go with that?
:'''Mustafa''': ''[confused]'' With what, sir?
:'''Anton Ego''': Perspective. Fresh out, I take it?
:'''Mustafa''': I am, uh...
:'''Anton Ego''': Very well. Since you're all out of perspective and no one else seems to have it in this ''BLOODY town'', I'll make you a deal. ''You'' provide the food, ''I'll'' provide the perspective, which would go nicely with a bottle of Cheval Blanc 1947.
:'''Mustafa''': I'm afraid... your dinner selection?
:'''Anton Ego''': ''[stands up angrily]'' Tell your chef Linguini that I want whatever he dares to serve me. Tell him to ''hit'' me with his best ''SHOT''.
:''[Skinner is in disguise nearby and speaks to his waiter]''
:'''Skinner''': ''[in a lower and gruff voice]'' I will 'ave whatever 'e is having.
:

== Taglines ==
* He's dying to become a chef.
* A Comedy with Great Taste.
* A Rat in a Kitchen... Cooking?!?!?!

== Cast ==
* [[Patton Oswalt]] — Rémy
* [[w:Lou Romano|Lou Romano]] — Linguini
* [[Janeane Garofalo]] — Colette
* [[w:Ian Holm|Ian Holm]] — Skinner
* [[w:Peter Sohn|Peter Sohn]] — Émile
* [[Brad Garrett]] — Gusteau
* [[w:Brian Dennehy|Brian Dennehy]] — Django
* [[w:Peter O'Toole|Peter O'Toole]] — Anton Ego
* [[Will Arnett]] — Horst
* [[w:Julius Callahan|Julius Callahan]] — Lalo
* [[w:James Remar|James Remar]] — Larousse
* [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] — Mustafa
* [[w:Teddy Newton|Teddy Newton]] — Talon Labarthe
* [[w:Tony Fucile|Tony Fucile]] — Pompidou
* [[w:Jake Steinfeld|Jake Steinfeld]] — Git
* [[Brad Bird]] — Ambrister Minion
* [[w:Stéphane Roux (actor)|Stéphane Roux]] — the narrator of the cooking channel
* [[w:Thomas Keller|Thomas Keller]] — the male dining patron who asks what's new
* [[w:Winston I. Steve Barnum|Winston I. Steve Barnum]] — the chef friendly male

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==

* I think our goal is to get the impression of something rather than perfect photographic reality. It’s to get the feeling of something so I think that our challenge was the computer basically wants to do things that are clean and perfect and don’t have any history to them. If you want to do something that’s different than that you have to put that information in there and the computer kind of fights you. It really doesn’t want to do that and Paris is a very rich city that has a lot of history to it and it’s lived in. Everything’s beautiful but it’s lived in. It has history to it, so it has imperfections and it’s part of why it’s beautiful is you can feel the history in every little nook and cranny. For us every single bit of that has to be put in there. We can’t go somewhere and film something. If there’s a crack in there, we have to design the crack and if you noticed the tiles on the floor of the restaurant, they’re not perfectly flat, they’re like slightly angled differently, and they catch light differently. Somebody has to sit there and angle them all separately so we had to focus on that a lot. And it was a movie about good food and the food had to look delicious and its data. How do you define what makes food look good. It’s actually a bunch of really subtle little complicated things and everybody worked really hard on it.
:* Brad Bird [http://collider.com/brad-bird-interview-ratatouille/]
* I entered this movie as director kind of late. I was asked to come on the project a little less than a year and a half ago, so several characters had been cast before I got there. Famous people like Ian Holm, Brian Dennehy, and Brad Garrett were already on board and there were also some Pixar people who happened to have perfect voices, like Lou Romano who did Linguini. He was production designer on The Incredibles. And Pete Sohn is a young, very gifted story guide and animator who worked on Iron Giant and Incredibles and he did the voice of Emile, who is Remy’s brother. So those guys are in-house and they were already involved in the project and I didn’t see any reason to change what was perfect. I re-cast a couple characters and there was a lot of difficulty in casting Remy and I heard Patton Oswalt on the radio and I thought he’d be perfect. I brought Peter O’Toole on and when I was first writing the character of Anton Ego that was the voice I heard in my mind and I was just hoping that he would say yes and he did. But Janeane Garofalo we cast after I came on and she does Colette and a lot of people can’t even recognize her because she so completely disappears into this role, which is a testament to how great an actress she is, and I’m really happy with the voice track on this film because it put the challenge to the animators to come up to the quality and be inspired by the voices – and I think they did.
:* Brad Bird [http://www.gonewiththetwins.com/pages/interviews/2008/interview_ratatouille1.php]

*  It was six years ago and you look at the scope of your film and we knew it would be about rats and we knew we needed the rats to be able to move in certain ways. Pixar’s never really done a film with four-legged critters in it to any great extent, so I was excited because some of Disney’s great classical animated films have critters running around like this. We threw down to the tools group, who writes our code because it’s all proprietary software, that we need this to be phenomenal so we actually experimented for about a year in sort of a dead end, but it was always going to be promising and something special. Brad Bird made several things work that weren’t working. We figured that once we got them outfitted correctly with the right technical setup so that they could squash and stretch beyond what’s been done before in animation, that in the hands of a director like Brad who knows animation inside and out, that it would be phenomenal. As far as the food looking great, we hoped we would pull it off and I think we did. I think appetizing food in a film like this is a surprise and if people come out hungry, which I’ve heard has happened, then that’s a testament to that
:* Brian Lewis [:* Brad Bird [http://www.gonewiththetwins.com/pages/interviews/2008/interview_ratatouille1.php]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Ratatouille (film)}}
{{Commons category|Ratatouille (film)}}
* {{imdb title|id=0382932|title=Ratatouille}} &lt;!-- see [[Template:Imdb title]] on how to get IMDB ID --&gt;
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=ratatouille|title=Ratatouille}} &lt;!-- see [[Template:Rotten-tomatoes]] on how to get RT ID --&gt;
* The official [http://disney.go.com/disneypictures/ratatouille/ Ratatouille] site

[[Category:2007 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]                    [[te:రాటటౌల్లె (2007 సినిమా)]]
[[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:Jan Pinkava films]]
[[Category:Food and drink]]
[[Category:Films directed by Brad Bird]]</text>
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      <id>3147540</id>
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'''''[[w:Ratatouille (film)|Ratatouille]]''''' is a ([[w:2007 in film|2007]]) animated [[w:Disney|Disney]]/[[w:Pixar|Pixar]] film about a rat (Rémy) who longs to follow in the footsteps of his hero, the late Chef Auguste Gusteau — at one time considered to be the greatest chef in Paris. After discovering an unusual way through which he can control the actions of the hapless Linguini, who was working as a garbage boy in the kitchen of Gusteau's restaurant at the time, he is given the ultimate opportunity to show the world what he can do.
:''Written and Directed by [[Brad Bird]].''
{{center|'''He's dying to become a chef.'''&lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Dialogue ==
:''[After Remy's been separated from his colony]''
:'''Remy''': ''[voiceover]'' I waited. For a sound. A voice. A sign. ''Something''.
:''[Remy is reading Gusteau's 'Anyone Can Cook'. He stops on a page with food on it, causing his stomach to grumble. He turns away, shielding the image of food from his view]''
:'''Gusteau''': ''[as a book illustration]'' If you are hungry, go up and look around, Remy.
:''[Remy is shocked to hear this. He looks under the page Gusteau's image is under.]''
:'''Gusteau''': Why do you wait and mope?
:'''Remy''': Well, I just lost my family ... all my friends. Probably forever. 
:'''Gusteau''': How do you know?
:'''Remy''': I ... uh ... ''[catches himself with a scoff]'' ''You'' are an illustration. Why am I ''talking'' to you?
:'''Gusteau''': Oh, you just lost your family, all your friends. You are lonely.
:'''Remy''': Yeah ... well, ''you're'' dead.
:'''Gusteau''': Ah, but that is no match for wishful thinking! If you focus on what you left behind, you will never be able to see what lies ahead. Now go up and look around!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Remy's about to eat a bread crumb in someone's house when Gusteau appears before him.]''
:'''Gusteau''': What are you doing?!
:'''Remy''': ''[Sighs]'' I'm ''hungry''! I don't know ''where'' I am, I don't know ''when'' I'll find food again!
:'''Gusteau''': Rémy, you are better than that. You are a cook! A cook ''makes''; a thief ''takes''. You are not a thief.
:'''Remy''': But I ''am'' hungry.
:'''Gusteau''': ''[chuckles]'' Food will come, Remy. Food always comes to those who love to cook.
:''[Gusteau's image disappears into the bread crumb]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Remy''': The sous is responsible for the kitchen when the chef's not around. Saucier, in charge of sauces. Very important. Chef de partie, demi chef de partie, both important. Commis, commis, they're cooks. Very important.
:'''Gusteau''': Ah, you are a clever rat. Now, who is that?
:''[He points to Linguini, who's clumsily cleaning up the kitchen]''
:'''Remy''': Oh, him? He’s nobody.
:'''Gusteau''': Not nobody. He is part of the kitchen.
:'''Remy''': No, he’s a ''plongeur'' or something. He washes dishes or takes out the garbage. He doesn’t cook.
:'''Gusteau''': But he ''could''.
:'''Remy''': ''[dismissively]'' Uh, no. 
:'''Gusteau''': How do you know? What do I always say, Remy? Anyone can cook.
:'''Remy''': Well yeah, anyone ''can''. That doesn't mean that anyone ''should''.
:'''Gusteau''': Well, that is not stopping him. See?
:''[Linguini has accidentally spilt a pot of soup and is attempting to cover up his mistake by throwing random ingredients into it.]''
:'''Remy''': What?! What is he doing?! No ...''NO''! No, this is terrible; he's ... ''RUINING THE SOUP''! A-and nobody's ''noticing''?! ''[to Gusteau]'' It's ''your'' restaurant! Do something!
:'''Gusteau''': What can ''I'' do? I am a figment of your imagination.
:'''Remy''': But he's ''ruining the soup!!'' We gotta tell someon-- ''[slips and falls]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[pause, Skinner looks around at the other cooks, who are smiling with approval]'' 
:'''Skinner''': Perhaps I have been a bit harsh on our new garbage boy. He has taken a bold risk, and we should reward that, as Chef Gusteau would have. If he wishes to swim in dangerous waters, who are we to deny him.
:'''Gusteau''': You were escaping?   
:'''Remy''': Oh, yeah.   
:'''Skinner''': Since you have expressed such an interest in his cooking career, you shall be responsible for it. Anyone else? Hmm... Then back to work! You are either very lucky or very unlucky. You will make the soup again, and this time I’ll be paying attention. Very close attention. They think you might be a cook, but do you know what I think, Linguini? I think you’re a sneaky, overreaching little... ''[spots Remy attempting to escape]'' ''RAAAAAAAT''!
:''[Grabs a broom and hits Remy with it]''
:'''Horst''': Get the rat!
:''[Everyone attempts to catch Remy]''
:'''Skinner''': Linguini! Get something to trap it!
:'''Horst''': It’s getting away! Get it, get it, get it!
:''[Linguini has trapped Rémy in a jar.]''
:'''Linguini''': What should I do now?
:'''Skinner''': Kill it!
:'''Linguini''': Now?
:'''Skinner''': ''NO''! Not in the kitchen! Are you ''mad''?! If anyone knew we had a rat in our kitchen, they’d shut us down! Our reputation is hanging by a thread as it is! Take it away from here - far away. Kill it! Dispose of it! Go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Anton Ego''': What is it, Ambrister? 
:'''Ambrister''': Gusteau's...
:'''Anton Ego''': Finally closing, is it?
:'''Ambrister''': No.
:'''Anton Ego''': More financial troubles?
:'''Ambrister''': No, it's... it's...
:'''Anton Ego''': Announced a new line of microwave egg-rolls?! What? What? Spit it ''out''!
:'''Ambrister''': It's come back, it's... popular.
:''[Ego partly spits out a mouthful of wine, before checking the label, then roughly swallowing the rest of the wine]'' 
:'''Anton Ego''': I haven't reviewed Gusteau's in years.
:'''Ambrister''': No sir.
:'''Anton Ego''': My last review condemned it to the tourist trade.
:'''Ambrister''': Yes sir. 
:''[Ego takes out a copy of his last review of Gusteau's]''
:'''Anton Ego''': I said: &quot;Gusteau has finally found his rightfully place in history right alongside another equally famous chef, Monsieur Boyardee.&quot;
:'''Ambrister''': Touché.
:'''Anton Ego''': That is where we left it, ''that'' was my last word. The. Last. ''Word''.
:'''Ambrister''': ''[cowering]'' Yes.
:'''Anton Ego''': Then tell me Ambrister; how could it be ''popular''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Skinner''': No, no, no, no, no, no, no! ''[Kicks drawer]'' 
:'''Talon''': The DNA matches, the timing works, everything checks out. He is Gusteau’s son.
:'''Skinner''': T-t-this can’t just happen! The whole thing is a set up! The boy knows! Look at him out there pretending to be an idiot! He’s toying with my mind, like a cat with a ball! Of... something!
:'''Talon''': String?
:'''Skinner''': Yes! Playing dumb! Taunting me with that rat!
:'''Talon''': Rat? 
:'''Skinner''': Yes! He’s consorting with it! Deliberately trying to make me think it’s important!
:'''Talon''': The... rat? 
:'''Skinner''': Exactly!
:'''Talon''': Is the rat... important?
:'''Skinner''': Of course not! He just wants me to ''think'' that it is! O-ho, I see the theatricality of it! A rat appears on the boy's first night, I order him to kill it, and now he wants me to see it ''everywhere''! ''[high voice]'' Ooooh! It's here! No it isn't, it's here! Am I seeing things, am I crazy, is there a phantom rat or is there not?! But oh, no! I refuse to be sucked into his little game... of...
:'''Talon''': ...Should I be concerned about this? About you? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Horst''': It's your recipe. How can you not know your own RECIPE?!
:'''Linguini''': I didn't write it down, it just came to me!
:'''Horst''': Well make it come to you again, ja? BECAUSE WE CAN'T SERVE THIS!
:'''Mustafa''': Where's the order?!  '''Linguini''': What if we just make something up?
:'''Larousse''': What if we ''serve them what they order''?!
:'''Colette''': We will make it! Just tell us what you did!
:'''Linguini''': I don't ''know'' what I did!
:'''Horst''': We need to tell the customers ''recipes''! 
:'''Linguini''': Then tell them... tell them... AAAH!
:''[Linguini flees the kitchen]''
:'''Larousse''': ...Eh?
:'''Django''': Remy.   
:'''Emile''': Don’t do it.
:'''Django''': Remy! Don’t! Stop!  
:'''Emile''': They'll see you. Stop.
:'''Horst''': We’re not talking about me. We’re talking about what to do right... 
:'''Chefs''': RATS!
:'''Django''': Remy!
:'''Horst''': Get my knife!  '''Linguini''': Don't touch him! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mustafa''': ''[taking Ego's order]'' Do you know what you'd like this evening, sir?
:'''Anton Ego''': Yes, I think I do. After reading a lot of overheated puffery about your new cook, you know what I'm craving? A little perspective. That's it. I'd like some fresh, clear, well-seasoned perspective. Can you suggest a good wine to go with that?
:'''Mustafa''': ''[confused]'' With what, sir?
:'''Anton Ego''': Perspective. Fresh out, I take it?
:'''Mustafa''': I am, uh...
:'''Anton Ego''': Very well. Since you're all out of perspective and no one else seems to have it in this ''BLOODY town'', I'll make you a deal. ''You'' provide the food, ''I'll'' provide the perspective, which would go nicely with a bottle of Cheval Blanc 1947.
:'''Mustafa''': I'm afraid... your dinner selection?
:'''Anton Ego''': ''[stands up angrily]'' Tell your chef Linguini that I want whatever he dares to serve me. Tell him to ''hit'' me with his best ''SHOT''.
:''[Skinner is in disguise nearby and speaks to his waiter]''
:'''Skinner''': ''[in a lower and gruff voice]'' I will 'ave whatever 'e is having.
:'''Gusteau''': ''[Remy is locked in a cage]'' So, we have given up.  '''Remy''': Why do you say that?
:'''Gusteau''': We are in a cage, inside a car trunk, awaiting a future in frozen food products. '''Remy''': No, I'm the one in a cage. I've given up. You… are free.
:'''Gusteau''': I am only as free as you imagine me to be. As you are.  '''Remy''': Oh, please. I'm sick of pretending. I pretend to be a rat for my father, I pretend to be a human for Linguini.
:

== Taglines ==
* He's dying to become a chef.
* A Comedy with Great Taste.
* A Rat in a Kitchen... Cooking?!?!?!

== Cast ==
* [[Patton Oswalt]] — Rémy
* [[w:Lou Romano|Lou Romano]] — Linguini
* [[Janeane Garofalo]] — Colette
* [[w:Ian Holm|Ian Holm]] — Skinner
* [[w:Peter Sohn|Peter Sohn]] — Émile
* [[Brad Garrett]] — Gusteau
* [[w:Brian Dennehy|Brian Dennehy]] — Django
* [[w:Peter O'Toole|Peter O'Toole]] — Anton Ego
* [[Will Arnett]] — Horst
* [[w:Julius Callahan|Julius Callahan]] — Lalo
* [[w:James Remar|James Remar]] — Larousse
* [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] — Mustafa
* [[w:Teddy Newton|Teddy Newton]] — Talon Labarthe
* [[w:Tony Fucile|Tony Fucile]] — Pompidou
* [[w:Jake Steinfeld|Jake Steinfeld]] — Git
* [[Brad Bird]] — Ambrister Minion
* [[w:Stéphane Roux (actor)|Stéphane Roux]] — the narrator of the cooking channel
* [[w:Thomas Keller|Thomas Keller]] — the male dining patron who asks what's new
* [[w:Winston I. Steve Barnum|Winston I. Steve Barnum]] — the chef friendly male

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==

* I think our goal is to get the impression of something rather than perfect photographic reality. It’s to get the feeling of something so I think that our challenge was the computer basically wants to do things that are clean and perfect and don’t have any history to them. If you want to do something that’s different than that you have to put that information in there and the computer kind of fights you. It really doesn’t want to do that and Paris is a very rich city that has a lot of history to it and it’s lived in. Everything’s beautiful but it’s lived in. It has history to it, so it has imperfections and it’s part of why it’s beautiful is you can feel the history in every little nook and cranny. For us every single bit of that has to be put in there. We can’t go somewhere and film something. If there’s a crack in there, we have to design the crack and if you noticed the tiles on the floor of the restaurant, they’re not perfectly flat, they’re like slightly angled differently, and they catch light differently. Somebody has to sit there and angle them all separately so we had to focus on that a lot. And it was a movie about good food and the food had to look delicious and its data. How do you define what makes food look good. It’s actually a bunch of really subtle little complicated things and everybody worked really hard on it.
:* Brad Bird [http://collider.com/brad-bird-interview-ratatouille/]
* I entered this movie as director kind of late. I was asked to come on the project a little less than a year and a half ago, so several characters had been cast before I got there. Famous people like Ian Holm, Brian Dennehy, and Brad Garrett were already on board and there were also some Pixar people who happened to have perfect voices, like Lou Romano who did Linguini. He was production designer on The Incredibles. And Pete Sohn is a young, very gifted story guide and animator who worked on Iron Giant and Incredibles and he did the voice of Emile, who is Remy’s brother. So those guys are in-house and they were already involved in the project and I didn’t see any reason to change what was perfect. I re-cast a couple characters and there was a lot of difficulty in casting Remy and I heard Patton Oswalt on the radio and I thought he’d be perfect. I brought Peter O’Toole on and when I was first writing the character of Anton Ego that was the voice I heard in my mind and I was just hoping that he would say yes and he did. But Janeane Garofalo we cast after I came on and she does Colette and a lot of people can’t even recognize her because she so completely disappears into this role, which is a testament to how great an actress she is, and I’m really happy with the voice track on this film because it put the challenge to the animators to come up to the quality and be inspired by the voices – and I think they did.
:* Brad Bird [http://www.gonewiththetwins.com/pages/interviews/2008/interview_ratatouille1.php]

*  It was six years ago and you look at the scope of your film and we knew it would be about rats and we knew we needed the rats to be able to move in certain ways. Pixar’s never really done a film with four-legged critters in it to any great extent, so I was excited because some of Disney’s great classical animated films have critters running around like this. We threw down to the tools group, who writes our code because it’s all proprietary software, that we need this to be phenomenal so we actually experimented for about a year in sort of a dead end, but it was always going to be promising and something special. Brad Bird made several things work that weren’t working. We figured that once we got them outfitted correctly with the right technical setup so that they could squash and stretch beyond what’s been done before in animation, that in the hands of a director like Brad who knows animation inside and out, that it would be phenomenal. As far as the food looking great, we hoped we would pull it off and I think we did. I think appetizing food in a film like this is a surprise and if people come out hungry, which I’ve heard has happened, then that’s a testament to that
:* Brian Lewis [:* Brad Bird [http://www.gonewiththetwins.com/pages/interviews/2008/interview_ratatouille1.php]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Ratatouille (film)}}
{{Commons category|Ratatouille (film)}}
* {{imdb title|id=0382932|title=Ratatouille}} &lt;!-- see [[Template:Imdb title]] on how to get IMDB ID --&gt;
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=ratatouille|title=Ratatouille}} &lt;!-- see [[Template:Rotten-tomatoes]] on how to get RT ID --&gt;
* The official [http://disney.go.com/disneypictures/ratatouille/ Ratatouille] site

[[Category:2007 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]                    [[te:రాటటౌల్లె (2007 సినిమా)]]
[[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:Jan Pinkava films]]
[[Category:Food and drink]]
[[Category:Films directed by Brad Bird]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Ratatouille (film)|Ratatouille]]''''' is a ([[w:2007 in film|2007]]) animated [[w:Disney|Disney]]/[[w:Pixar|Pixar]] film about a rat (Rémy) who longs to follow in the footsteps of his hero, the late Chef Auguste Gusteau — at one time considered to be the greatest chef in Paris. After discovering an unusual way through which he can control the actions of the hapless Linguini, who was working as a garbage boy in the kitchen of Gusteau's restaurant at the time, he is given the ultimate opportunity to show the world what he can do.
:''Written and Directed by [[Brad Bird]].''
{{center|'''He's dying to become a chef.'''&lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Dialogue ==
:''[After Remy's been separated from his colony]''
:'''Remy''': ''[voiceover]'' I waited. For a sound. A voice. A sign. ''Something''.
:''[Remy is reading Gusteau's 'Anyone Can Cook'. He stops on a page with food on it, causing his stomach to grumble. He turns away, shielding the image of food from his view]''
:'''Gusteau''': ''[as a book illustration]'' If you are hungry, go up and look around, Remy.
:''[Remy is shocked to hear this. He looks under the page Gusteau's image is under.]''
:'''Gusteau''': Why do you wait and mope?
:'''Remy''': Well, I just lost my family ... all my friends. Probably forever. 
:'''Gusteau''': How do you know?
:'''Remy''': I ... uh ... ''[catches himself with a scoff]'' ''You'' are an illustration. Why am I ''talking'' to you?
:'''Gusteau''': Oh, you just lost your family, all your friends. You are lonely.
:'''Remy''': Yeah ... well, ''you're'' dead.
:'''Gusteau''': Ah, but that is no match for wishful thinking! If you focus on what you left behind, you will never be able to see what lies ahead. Now go up and look around!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Remy's about to eat a bread crumb in someone's house when Gusteau appears before him.]''
:'''Gusteau''': What are you doing?!
:'''Remy''': ''[Sighs]'' I'm ''hungry''! I don't know ''where'' I am, I don't know ''when'' I'll find food again!
:'''Gusteau''': Rémy, you are better than that. You are a cook! A cook ''makes''; a thief ''takes''. You are not a thief.
:'''Remy''': But I ''am'' hungry.
:'''Gusteau''': ''[chuckles]'' Food will come, Remy. Food always comes to those who love to cook.
:''[Gusteau's image disappears into the bread crumb]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Remy''': The sous is responsible for the kitchen when the chef's not around. Saucier, in charge of sauces. Very important. Chef de partie, demi chef de partie, both important. Commis, commis, they're cooks. Very important.
:'''Gusteau''': Ah, you are a clever rat. Now, who is that?
:''[He points to Linguini, who's clumsily cleaning up the kitchen]''
:'''Remy''': Oh, him? He’s nobody.
:'''Gusteau''': Not nobody. He is part of the kitchen.
:'''Remy''': No, he’s a ''plongeur'' or something. He washes dishes or takes out the garbage. He doesn’t cook.
:'''Gusteau''': But he ''could''.
:'''Remy''': ''[dismissively]'' Uh, no. 
:'''Gusteau''': How do you know? What do I always say, Remy? Anyone can cook.
:'''Remy''': Well yeah, anyone ''can''. That doesn't mean that anyone ''should''.
:'''Gusteau''': Well, that is not stopping him. See?
:''[Linguini has accidentally spilt a pot of soup and is attempting to cover up his mistake by throwing random ingredients into it.]''
:'''Remy''': What?! What is he doing?! No ...''NO''! No, this is terrible; he's ... ''RUINING THE SOUP''! A-and nobody's ''noticing''?! ''[to Gusteau]'' It's ''your'' restaurant! Do something!
:'''Gusteau''': What can ''I'' do? I am a figment of your imagination.
:'''Remy''': But he's ''ruining the soup!!'' We gotta tell someon-- ''[slips and falls]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[pause, Skinner looks around at the other cooks, who are smiling with approval]'' 
:'''Skinner''': Perhaps I have been a bit harsh on our new garbage boy. He has taken a bold risk, and we should reward that, as Chef Gusteau would have. If he wishes to swim in dangerous waters, who are we to deny him.
:'''Gusteau''': You were escaping?   
:'''Remy''': Oh, yeah.   
:'''Skinner''': Since you have expressed such an interest in his cooking career, you shall be responsible for it. Anyone else? Hmm... Then back to work! You are either very lucky or very unlucky. You will make the soup again, and this time I’ll be paying attention. Very close attention. They think you might be a cook, but do you know what I think, Linguini? I think you’re a sneaky, overreaching little... ''[spots Remy attempting to escape]'' ''RAAAAAAAT''!
:''[Grabs a broom and hits Remy with it]''
:'''Horst''': Get the rat!
:''[Everyone attempts to catch Remy]''
:'''Skinner''': Linguini! Get something to trap it!
:'''Horst''': It’s getting away! Get it, get it, get it!
:''[Linguini has trapped Rémy in a jar.]''
:'''Linguini''': What should I do now?
:'''Skinner''': Kill it!
:'''Linguini''': Now?
:'''Skinner''': ''NO''! Not in the kitchen! Are you ''mad''?! If anyone knew we had a rat in our kitchen, they’d shut us down! Our reputation is hanging by a thread as it is! Take it away from here - far away. Kill it! Dispose of it! Go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Anton Ego''': What is it, Ambrister? 
:'''Ambrister''': Gusteau's...
:'''Anton Ego''': Finally closing, is it?
:'''Ambrister''': No.
:'''Anton Ego''': More financial troubles?
:'''Ambrister''': No, it's... it's...
:'''Anton Ego''': Announced a new line of microwave egg-rolls?! What? What? Spit it ''out''!
:'''Ambrister''': It's come back, it's... popular.
:''[Ego partly spits out a mouthful of wine, before checking the label, then roughly swallowing the rest of the wine]'' 
:'''Anton Ego''': I haven't reviewed Gusteau's in years.
:'''Ambrister''': No sir.
:'''Anton Ego''': My last review condemned it to the tourist trade.
:'''Ambrister''': Yes sir. 
:''[Ego takes out a copy of his last review of Gusteau's]''
:'''Anton Ego''': I said: &quot;Gusteau has finally found his rightfully place in history right alongside another equally famous chef, Monsieur Boyardee.&quot;
:'''Ambrister''': Touché.
:'''Anton Ego''': That is where we left it, ''that'' was my last word. The. Last. ''Word''.
:'''Ambrister''': ''[cowering]'' Yes.
:'''Anton Ego''': Then tell me Ambrister; how could it be ''popular''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Skinner''': No, no, no, no, no, no, no! ''[Kicks drawer]'' 
:'''Talon''': The DNA matches, the timing works, everything checks out. He is Gusteau’s son.
:'''Skinner''': T-t-this can’t just happen! The whole thing is a set up! The boy knows! Look at him out there pretending to be an idiot! He’s toying with my mind, like a cat with a ball! Of... something!
:'''Talon''': String?
:'''Skinner''': Yes! Playing dumb! Taunting me with that rat!
:'''Talon''': Rat? 
:'''Skinner''': Yes! He’s consorting with it! Deliberately trying to make me think it’s important!
:'''Talon''': The... rat? 
:'''Skinner''': Exactly!
:'''Talon''': Is the rat... important?
:'''Skinner''': Of course not! He just wants me to ''think'' that it is! O-ho, I see the theatricality of it! A rat appears on the boy's first night, I order him to kill it, and now he wants me to see it ''everywhere''! ''[high voice]'' Ooooh! It's here! No it isn't, it's here! Am I seeing things, am I crazy, is there a phantom rat or is there not?! But oh, no! I refuse to be sucked into his little game... of...
:'''Talon''': ...Should I be concerned about this? About you? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Horst''': It's your recipe. How can you not know your own RECIPE?!
:'''Linguini''': I didn't write it down, it just came to me!
:'''Horst''': Well make it come to you again, ja? BECAUSE WE CAN'T SERVE THIS!
:'''Mustafa''': Where's the order?!  '''Linguini''': What if we just make something up?
:'''Larousse''': What if we ''serve them what they order''?!
:'''Colette''': We will make it! Just tell us what you did!
:'''Linguini''': I don't ''know'' what I did!
:'''Horst''': We need to tell the customers ''recipes''! 
:'''Linguini''': Then tell them... tell them... AAAH!
:''[Linguini flees the kitchen]''
:'''Larousse''': ...Eh?
:'''Django''': Remy.   
:'''Emile''': Don’t do it.
:'''Django''': Remy! Don’t! Stop!  
:'''Emile''': They'll see you. Stop.
:'''Horst''': We’re not talking about me. We’re talking about what to do right... 
:'''Chefs''': RATS!
:'''Django''': Remy!
:'''Horst''': Get my knife!  
:'''Linguini''': Don't touch him! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mustafa''': ''[taking Ego's order]'' Do you know what you'd like this evening, sir?
:'''Anton Ego''': Yes, I think I do. After reading a lot of overheated puffery about your new cook, you know what I'm craving? A little perspective. That's it. I'd like some fresh, clear, well-seasoned perspective. Can you suggest a good wine to go with that?
:'''Mustafa''': ''[confused]'' With what, sir?
:'''Anton Ego''': Perspective. Fresh out, I take it?
:'''Mustafa''': I am, uh...
:'''Anton Ego''': Very well. Since you're all out of perspective and no one else seems to have it in this ''BLOODY town'', I'll make you a deal. ''You'' provide the food, ''I'll'' provide the perspective, which would go nicely with a bottle of Cheval Blanc 1947.
:'''Mustafa''': I'm afraid... your dinner selection?
:'''Anton Ego''': ''[stands up angrily]'' Tell your chef Linguini that I want whatever he dares to serve me. Tell him to ''hit'' me with his best ''SHOT''.
:''[Skinner is in disguise nearby and speaks to his waiter]''
:'''Skinner''': ''[in a lower and gruff voice]'' I will 'ave whatever 'e is having.
:'''Gusteau''': ''[Remy is locked in a cage]'' So, we have given up.  
:'''Remy''': Why do you say that?
:'''Gusteau''': We are in a cage, inside a car trunk, awaiting a future in frozen food products. 
:'''Remy''': No, I'm the one in a cage. I've given up. You… are free.
:'''Gusteau''': I am only as free as you imagine me to be. As you are.  
:'''Remy''': Oh, please. I'm sick of pretending. I pretend to be a rat for my father, I pretend to be a human for Linguini.
:

== Taglines ==
* He's dying to become a chef.
* A Comedy with Great Taste.
* A Rat in a Kitchen... Cooking?!?!?!

== Cast ==
* [[Patton Oswalt]] — Rémy
* [[w:Lou Romano|Lou Romano]] — Linguini
* [[Janeane Garofalo]] — Colette
* [[w:Ian Holm|Ian Holm]] — Skinner
* [[w:Peter Sohn|Peter Sohn]] — Émile
* [[Brad Garrett]] — Gusteau
* [[w:Brian Dennehy|Brian Dennehy]] — Django
* [[w:Peter O'Toole|Peter O'Toole]] — Anton Ego
* [[Will Arnett]] — Horst
* [[w:Julius Callahan|Julius Callahan]] — Lalo
* [[w:James Remar|James Remar]] — Larousse
* [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] — Mustafa
* [[w:Teddy Newton|Teddy Newton]] — Talon Labarthe
* [[w:Tony Fucile|Tony Fucile]] — Pompidou
* [[w:Jake Steinfeld|Jake Steinfeld]] — Git
* [[Brad Bird]] — Ambrister Minion
* [[w:Stéphane Roux (actor)|Stéphane Roux]] — the narrator of the cooking channel
* [[w:Thomas Keller|Thomas Keller]] — the male dining patron who asks what's new
* [[w:Winston I. Steve Barnum|Winston I. Steve Barnum]] — the chef friendly male

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==

* I think our goal is to get the impression of something rather than perfect photographic reality. It’s to get the feeling of something so I think that our challenge was the computer basically wants to do things that are clean and perfect and don’t have any history to them. If you want to do something that’s different than that you have to put that information in there and the computer kind of fights you. It really doesn’t want to do that and Paris is a very rich city that has a lot of history to it and it’s lived in. Everything’s beautiful but it’s lived in. It has history to it, so it has imperfections and it’s part of why it’s beautiful is you can feel the history in every little nook and cranny. For us every single bit of that has to be put in there. We can’t go somewhere and film something. If there’s a crack in there, we have to design the crack and if you noticed the tiles on the floor of the restaurant, they’re not perfectly flat, they’re like slightly angled differently, and they catch light differently. Somebody has to sit there and angle them all separately so we had to focus on that a lot. And it was a movie about good food and the food had to look delicious and its data. How do you define what makes food look good. It’s actually a bunch of really subtle little complicated things and everybody worked really hard on it.
:* Brad Bird [http://collider.com/brad-bird-interview-ratatouille/]
* I entered this movie as director kind of late. I was asked to come on the project a little less than a year and a half ago, so several characters had been cast before I got there. Famous people like Ian Holm, Brian Dennehy, and Brad Garrett were already on board and there were also some Pixar people who happened to have perfect voices, like Lou Romano who did Linguini. He was production designer on The Incredibles. And Pete Sohn is a young, very gifted story guide and animator who worked on Iron Giant and Incredibles and he did the voice of Emile, who is Remy’s brother. So those guys are in-house and they were already involved in the project and I didn’t see any reason to change what was perfect. I re-cast a couple characters and there was a lot of difficulty in casting Remy and I heard Patton Oswalt on the radio and I thought he’d be perfect. I brought Peter O’Toole on and when I was first writing the character of Anton Ego that was the voice I heard in my mind and I was just hoping that he would say yes and he did. But Janeane Garofalo we cast after I came on and she does Colette and a lot of people can’t even recognize her because she so completely disappears into this role, which is a testament to how great an actress she is, and I’m really happy with the voice track on this film because it put the challenge to the animators to come up to the quality and be inspired by the voices – and I think they did.
:* Brad Bird [http://www.gonewiththetwins.com/pages/interviews/2008/interview_ratatouille1.php]

*  It was six years ago and you look at the scope of your film and we knew it would be about rats and we knew we needed the rats to be able to move in certain ways. Pixar’s never really done a film with four-legged critters in it to any great extent, so I was excited because some of Disney’s great classical animated films have critters running around like this. We threw down to the tools group, who writes our code because it’s all proprietary software, that we need this to be phenomenal so we actually experimented for about a year in sort of a dead end, but it was always going to be promising and something special. Brad Bird made several things work that weren’t working. We figured that once we got them outfitted correctly with the right technical setup so that they could squash and stretch beyond what’s been done before in animation, that in the hands of a director like Brad who knows animation inside and out, that it would be phenomenal. As far as the food looking great, we hoped we would pull it off and I think we did. I think appetizing food in a film like this is a surprise and if people come out hungry, which I’ve heard has happened, then that’s a testament to that
:* Brian Lewis [:* Brad Bird [http://www.gonewiththetwins.com/pages/interviews/2008/interview_ratatouille1.php]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Ratatouille (film)}}
{{Commons category|Ratatouille (film)}}
* {{imdb title|id=0382932|title=Ratatouille}} &lt;!-- see [[Template:Imdb title]] on how to get IMDB ID --&gt;
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=ratatouille|title=Ratatouille}} &lt;!-- see [[Template:Rotten-tomatoes]] on how to get RT ID --&gt;
* The official [http://disney.go.com/disneypictures/ratatouille/ Ratatouille] site

[[Category:2007 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]                    [[te:రాటటౌల్లె (2007 సినిమా)]]
[[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:Jan Pinkava films]]
[[Category:Food and drink]]
[[Category:Films directed by Brad Bird]]</text>
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      <id>3147542</id>
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'''''[[w:Ratatouille (film)|Ratatouille]]''''' is a ([[w:2007 in film|2007]]) animated [[w:Disney|Disney]]/[[w:Pixar|Pixar]] film about a rat (Rémy) who longs to follow in the footsteps of his hero, the late Chef Auguste Gusteau — at one time considered to be the greatest chef in Paris. After discovering an unusual way through which he can control the actions of the hapless Linguini, who was working as a garbage boy in the kitchen of Gusteau's restaurant at the time, he is given the ultimate opportunity to show the world what he can do.
:''Written and Directed by [[Brad Bird]].''
{{center|'''He's dying to become a chef.'''&lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Dialogue ==
:''[After Remy's been separated from his colony]''
:'''Remy''': ''[voiceover]'' I waited. For a sound. A voice. A sign. ''Something''.
:''[Remy is reading Gusteau's 'Anyone Can Cook'. He stops on a page with food on it, causing his stomach to grumble. He turns away, shielding the image of food from his view]''
:'''Gusteau''': ''[as a book illustration]'' If you are hungry, go up and look around, Remy.
:''[Remy is shocked to hear this. He looks under the page Gusteau's image is under.]''
:'''Gusteau''': Why do you wait and mope?
:'''Remy''': Well, I just lost my family ... all my friends. Probably forever. 
:'''Gusteau''': How do you know?
:'''Remy''': I ... uh ... ''[catches himself with a scoff]'' ''You'' are an illustration. Why am I ''talking'' to you?
:'''Gusteau''': Oh, you just lost your family, all your friends. You are lonely.
:'''Remy''': Yeah ... well, ''you're'' dead.
:'''Gusteau''': Ah, but that is no match for wishful thinking! If you focus on what you left behind, you will never be able to see what lies ahead. Now go up and look around!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Remy's about to eat a bread crumb in someone's house when Gusteau appears before him.]''
:'''Gusteau''': What are you doing?!
:'''Remy''': ''[Sighs]'' I'm ''hungry''! I don't know ''where'' I am, I don't know ''when'' I'll find food again!
:'''Gusteau''': Rémy, you are better than that. You are a cook! A cook ''makes''; a thief ''takes''. You are not a thief.
:'''Remy''': But I ''am'' hungry.
:'''Gusteau''': ''[chuckles]'' Food will come, Remy. Food always comes to those who love to cook.
:''[Gusteau's image disappears into the bread crumb]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Remy''': The sous is responsible for the kitchen when the chef's not around. Saucier, in charge of sauces. Very important. Chef de partie, demi chef de partie, both important. Commis, commis, they're cooks. Very important.
:'''Gusteau''': Ah, you are a clever rat. Now, who is that?
:''[He points to Linguini, who's clumsily cleaning up the kitchen]''
:'''Remy''': Oh, him? He’s nobody.
:'''Gusteau''': Not nobody. He is part of the kitchen.
:'''Remy''': No, he’s a ''plongeur'' or something. He washes dishes or takes out the garbage. He doesn’t cook.
:'''Gusteau''': But he ''could''.
:'''Remy''': ''[dismissively]'' Uh, no. 
:'''Gusteau''': How do you know? What do I always say, Remy? Anyone can cook.
:'''Remy''': Well yeah, anyone ''can''. That doesn't mean that anyone ''should''.
:'''Gusteau''': Well, that is not stopping him. See?
:''[Linguini has accidentally spilt a pot of soup and is attempting to cover up his mistake by throwing random ingredients into it.]''
:'''Remy''': What?! What is he doing?! No ...''NO''! No, this is terrible; he's ... ''RUINING THE SOUP''! A-and nobody's ''noticing''?! ''[to Gusteau]'' It's ''your'' restaurant! Do something!
:'''Gusteau''': What can ''I'' do? I am a figment of your imagination.
:'''Remy''': But he's ''ruining the soup!!'' We gotta tell someon-- ''[slips and falls]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[pause, Skinner looks around at the other cooks, who are smiling with approval]'' 
:'''Skinner''': Perhaps I have been a bit harsh on our new garbage boy. He has taken a bold risk, and we should reward that, as Chef Gusteau would have. If he wishes to swim in dangerous waters, who are we to deny him.
:'''Gusteau''': You were escaping?   
:'''Remy''': Oh, yeah.   
:'''Skinner''': Since you have expressed such an interest in his cooking career, you shall be responsible for it. Anyone else? Hmm... Then back to work! You are either very lucky or very unlucky. You will make the soup again, and this time I’ll be paying attention. Very close attention. They think you might be a cook, but do you know what I think, Linguini? I think you’re a sneaky, overreaching little... ''[spots Remy attempting to escape]'' ''RAAAAAAAT''!
:''[Grabs a broom and hits Remy with it]''
:'''Horst''': Get the rat!
:''[Everyone attempts to catch Remy]''
:'''Skinner''': Linguini! Get something to trap it!
:'''Horst''': It’s getting away! Get it, get it, get it!
:''[Linguini has trapped Rémy in a jar.]''
:'''Linguini''': What should I do now?
:'''Skinner''': Kill it!
:'''Linguini''': Now?
:'''Skinner''': ''NO''! Not in the kitchen! Are you ''mad''?! If anyone knew we had a rat in our kitchen, they’d shut us down! Our reputation is hanging by a thread as it is! Take it away from here - far away. Kill it! Dispose of it! Go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Anton Ego''': What is it, Ambrister? 
:'''Ambrister''': Gusteau's...
:'''Anton Ego''': Finally closing, is it?
:'''Ambrister''': No.
:'''Anton Ego''': More financial troubles?
:'''Ambrister''': No, it's... it's...
:'''Anton Ego''': Announced a new line of microwave egg-rolls?! What? What? Spit it ''out''!
:'''Ambrister''': It's come back, it's... popular.
:''[Ego partly spits out a mouthful of wine, before checking the label, then roughly swallowing the rest of the wine]'' 
:'''Anton Ego''': I haven't reviewed Gusteau's in years.
:'''Ambrister''': No sir.
:'''Anton Ego''': My last review condemned it to the tourist trade.
:'''Ambrister''': Yes sir. 
:''[Ego takes out a copy of his last review of Gusteau's]''
:'''Anton Ego''': I said: &quot;Gusteau has finally found his rightfully place in history right alongside another equally famous chef, Monsieur Boyardee.&quot;
:'''Ambrister''': Touché.
:'''Anton Ego''': That is where we left it, ''that'' was my last word. The. Last. ''Word''.
:'''Ambrister''': ''[cowering]'' Yes.
:'''Anton Ego''': Then tell me Ambrister; how could it be ''popular''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Skinner''': No, no, no, no, no, no, no! ''[Kicks drawer]'' 
:'''Talon''': The DNA matches, the timing works, everything checks out. He is Gusteau’s son.
:'''Skinner''': T-t-this can’t just happen! The whole thing is a set up! The boy knows! Look at him out there pretending to be an idiot! He’s toying with my mind, like a cat with a ball! Of... something!
:'''Talon''': String?
:'''Skinner''': Yes! Playing dumb! Taunting me with that rat!
:'''Talon''': Rat? 
:'''Skinner''': Yes! He’s consorting with it! Deliberately trying to make me think it’s important!
:'''Talon''': The... rat? 
:'''Skinner''': Exactly!
:'''Talon''': Is the rat... important?
:'''Skinner''': Of course not! He just wants me to ''think'' that it is! O-ho, I see the theatricality of it! A rat appears on the boy's first night, I order him to kill it, and now he wants me to see it ''everywhere''! ''[high voice]'' Ooooh! It's here! No it isn't, it's here! Am I seeing things, am I crazy, is there a phantom rat or is there not?! But oh, no! I refuse to be sucked into his little game... of...
:'''Talon''': ...Should I be concerned about this? About you? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Horst''': It's your recipe. How can you not know your own RECIPE?!
:'''Linguini''': I didn't write it down, it just came to me!
:'''Horst''': Well make it come to you again, ja? BECAUSE WE CAN'T SERVE THIS!
:'''Mustafa''': Where's the order?!  
:'''Linguini''': What if we just make something up?
:'''Larousse''': What if we ''serve them what they order''?!
:'''Colette''': We will make it! Just tell us what you did!
:'''Linguini''': I don't ''know'' what I did!
:'''Horst''': We need to tell the customers ''recipes''! 
:'''Linguini''': Then tell them... tell them... AAAH!
:''[Linguini flees the kitchen]''
:'''Larousse''': ...Eh?
:'''Django''': Remy.   
:'''Emile''': Don’t do it.
:'''Django''': Remy! Don’t! Stop!  
:'''Emile''': They'll see you. Stop.
:'''Horst''': We’re not talking about me. We’re talking about what to do right... 
:'''Chefs''': RATS!
:'''Django''': Remy!
:'''Horst''': Get my knife!  
:'''Linguini''': Don't touch him! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mustafa''': ''[taking Ego's order]'' Do you know what you'd like this evening, sir?
:'''Anton Ego''': Yes, I think I do. After reading a lot of overheated puffery about your new cook, you know what I'm craving? A little perspective. That's it. I'd like some fresh, clear, well-seasoned perspective. Can you suggest a good wine to go with that?
:'''Mustafa''': ''[confused]'' With what, sir?
:'''Anton Ego''': Perspective. Fresh out, I take it?
:'''Mustafa''': I am, uh...
:'''Anton Ego''': Very well. Since you're all out of perspective and no one else seems to have it in this ''BLOODY town'', I'll make you a deal. ''You'' provide the food, ''I'll'' provide the perspective, which would go nicely with a bottle of Cheval Blanc 1947.
:'''Mustafa''': I'm afraid... your dinner selection?
:'''Anton Ego''': ''[stands up angrily]'' Tell your chef Linguini that I want whatever he dares to serve me. Tell him to ''hit'' me with his best ''SHOT''.
:''[Skinner is in disguise nearby and speaks to his waiter]''
:'''Skinner''': ''[in a lower and gruff voice]'' I will 'ave whatever 'e is having.
:'''Gusteau''': ''[Remy is locked in a cage]'' So, we have given up.  
:'''Remy''': Why do you say that?
:'''Gusteau''': We are in a cage, inside a car trunk, awaiting a future in frozen food products. 
:'''Remy''': No, I'm the one in a cage. I've given up. You… are free.
:'''Gusteau''': I am only as free as you imagine me to be. As you are.  
:'''Remy''': Oh, please. I'm sick of pretending. I pretend to be a rat for my father, I pretend to be a human for Linguini.
:

== Taglines ==
* He's dying to become a chef.
* A Comedy with Great Taste.
* A Rat in a Kitchen... Cooking?!?!?!

== Cast ==
* [[Patton Oswalt]] — Rémy
* [[w:Lou Romano|Lou Romano]] — Linguini
* [[Janeane Garofalo]] — Colette
* [[w:Ian Holm|Ian Holm]] — Skinner
* [[w:Peter Sohn|Peter Sohn]] — Émile
* [[Brad Garrett]] — Gusteau
* [[w:Brian Dennehy|Brian Dennehy]] — Django
* [[w:Peter O'Toole|Peter O'Toole]] — Anton Ego
* [[Will Arnett]] — Horst
* [[w:Julius Callahan|Julius Callahan]] — Lalo
* [[w:James Remar|James Remar]] — Larousse
* [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] — Mustafa
* [[w:Teddy Newton|Teddy Newton]] — Talon Labarthe
* [[w:Tony Fucile|Tony Fucile]] — Pompidou
* [[w:Jake Steinfeld|Jake Steinfeld]] — Git
* [[Brad Bird]] — Ambrister Minion
* [[w:Stéphane Roux (actor)|Stéphane Roux]] — the narrator of the cooking channel
* [[w:Thomas Keller|Thomas Keller]] — the male dining patron who asks what's new
* [[w:Winston I. Steve Barnum|Winston I. Steve Barnum]] — the chef friendly male

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==

* I think our goal is to get the impression of something rather than perfect photographic reality. It’s to get the feeling of something so I think that our challenge was the computer basically wants to do things that are clean and perfect and don’t have any history to them. If you want to do something that’s different than that you have to put that information in there and the computer kind of fights you. It really doesn’t want to do that and Paris is a very rich city that has a lot of history to it and it’s lived in. Everything’s beautiful but it’s lived in. It has history to it, so it has imperfections and it’s part of why it’s beautiful is you can feel the history in every little nook and cranny. For us every single bit of that has to be put in there. We can’t go somewhere and film something. If there’s a crack in there, we have to design the crack and if you noticed the tiles on the floor of the restaurant, they’re not perfectly flat, they’re like slightly angled differently, and they catch light differently. Somebody has to sit there and angle them all separately so we had to focus on that a lot. And it was a movie about good food and the food had to look delicious and its data. How do you define what makes food look good. It’s actually a bunch of really subtle little complicated things and everybody worked really hard on it.
:* Brad Bird [http://collider.com/brad-bird-interview-ratatouille/]
* I entered this movie as director kind of late. I was asked to come on the project a little less than a year and a half ago, so several characters had been cast before I got there. Famous people like Ian Holm, Brian Dennehy, and Brad Garrett were already on board and there were also some Pixar people who happened to have perfect voices, like Lou Romano who did Linguini. He was production designer on The Incredibles. And Pete Sohn is a young, very gifted story guide and animator who worked on Iron Giant and Incredibles and he did the voice of Emile, who is Remy’s brother. So those guys are in-house and they were already involved in the project and I didn’t see any reason to change what was perfect. I re-cast a couple characters and there was a lot of difficulty in casting Remy and I heard Patton Oswalt on the radio and I thought he’d be perfect. I brought Peter O’Toole on and when I was first writing the character of Anton Ego that was the voice I heard in my mind and I was just hoping that he would say yes and he did. But Janeane Garofalo we cast after I came on and she does Colette and a lot of people can’t even recognize her because she so completely disappears into this role, which is a testament to how great an actress she is, and I’m really happy with the voice track on this film because it put the challenge to the animators to come up to the quality and be inspired by the voices – and I think they did.
:* Brad Bird [http://www.gonewiththetwins.com/pages/interviews/2008/interview_ratatouille1.php]

*  It was six years ago and you look at the scope of your film and we knew it would be about rats and we knew we needed the rats to be able to move in certain ways. Pixar’s never really done a film with four-legged critters in it to any great extent, so I was excited because some of Disney’s great classical animated films have critters running around like this. We threw down to the tools group, who writes our code because it’s all proprietary software, that we need this to be phenomenal so we actually experimented for about a year in sort of a dead end, but it was always going to be promising and something special. Brad Bird made several things work that weren’t working. We figured that once we got them outfitted correctly with the right technical setup so that they could squash and stretch beyond what’s been done before in animation, that in the hands of a director like Brad who knows animation inside and out, that it would be phenomenal. As far as the food looking great, we hoped we would pull it off and I think we did. I think appetizing food in a film like this is a surprise and if people come out hungry, which I’ve heard has happened, then that’s a testament to that
:* Brian Lewis [:* Brad Bird [http://www.gonewiththetwins.com/pages/interviews/2008/interview_ratatouille1.php]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Ratatouille (film)}}
{{Commons category|Ratatouille (film)}}
* {{imdb title|id=0382932|title=Ratatouille}} &lt;!-- see [[Template:Imdb title]] on how to get IMDB ID --&gt;
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=ratatouille|title=Ratatouille}} &lt;!-- see [[Template:Rotten-tomatoes]] on how to get RT ID --&gt;
* The official [http://disney.go.com/disneypictures/ratatouille/ Ratatouille] site

[[Category:2007 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]                    [[te:రాటటౌల్లె (2007 సినిమా)]]
[[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:Jan Pinkava films]]
[[Category:Food and drink]]
[[Category:Films directed by Brad Bird]]</text>
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      <id>3147544</id>
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'''''[[w:Ratatouille (film)|Ratatouille]]''''' is a ([[w:2007 in film|2007]]) animated [[w:Disney|Disney]]/[[w:Pixar|Pixar]] film about a rat (Rémy) who longs to follow in the footsteps of his hero, the late Chef Auguste Gusteau — at one time considered to be the greatest chef in Paris. After discovering an unusual way through which he can control the actions of the hapless Linguini, who was working as a garbage boy in the kitchen of Gusteau's restaurant at the time, he is given the ultimate opportunity to show the world what he can do.
:''Written and Directed by [[Brad Bird]].''
{{center|'''He's dying to become a chef.'''&lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Dialogue ==
:''[After Remy's been separated from his colony]''
:'''Remy''': ''[voiceover]'' I waited. For a sound. A voice. A sign. ''Something''.
:''[Remy is reading Gusteau's 'Anyone Can Cook'. He stops on a page with food on it, causing his stomach to grumble. He turns away, shielding the image of food from his view]''
:'''Gusteau''': ''[as a book illustration]'' If you are hungry, go up and look around, Remy.
:''[Remy is shocked to hear this. He looks under the page Gusteau's image is under.]''
:'''Gusteau''': Why do you wait and mope?
:'''Remy''': Well, I just lost my family ... all my friends. Probably forever. 
:'''Gusteau''': How do you know?
:'''Remy''': I ... uh ... ''[catches himself with a scoff]'' ''You'' are an illustration. Why am I ''talking'' to you?
:'''Gusteau''': Oh, you just lost your family, all your friends. You are lonely.
:'''Remy''': Yeah ... well, ''you're'' dead.
:'''Gusteau''': Ah, but that is no match for wishful thinking! If you focus on what you left behind, you will never be able to see what lies ahead. Now go up and look around!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Remy's about to eat a bread crumb in someone's house when Gusteau appears before him.]''
:'''Gusteau''': What are you doing?!
:'''Remy''': ''[Sighs]'' I'm ''hungry''! I don't know ''where'' I am, I don't know ''when'' I'll find food again!
:'''Gusteau''': Rémy, you are better than that. You are a cook! A cook ''makes''; a thief ''takes''. You are not a thief.
:'''Remy''': But I ''am'' hungry.
:'''Gusteau''': ''[chuckles]'' Food will come, Remy. Food always comes to those who love to cook.
:''[Gusteau's image disappears into the bread crumb]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Remy''': The sous is responsible for the kitchen when the chef's not around. Saucier, in charge of sauces. Very important. Chef de partie, demi chef de partie, both important. Commis, commis, they're cooks. Very important.
:'''Gusteau''': Ah, you are a clever rat. Now, who is that?
:''[He points to Linguini, who's clumsily cleaning up the kitchen]''
:'''Remy''': Oh, him? He’s nobody.
:'''Gusteau''': Not nobody. He is part of the kitchen.
:'''Remy''': No, he’s a ''plongeur'' or something. He washes dishes or takes out the garbage. He doesn’t cook.
:'''Gusteau''': But he ''could''.
:'''Remy''': ''[dismissively]'' Uh, no. 
:'''Gusteau''': How do you know? What do I always say, Remy? Anyone can cook.
:'''Remy''': Well yeah, anyone ''can''. That doesn't mean that anyone ''should''.
:'''Gusteau''': Well, that is not stopping him. See?
:''[Linguini has accidentally spilt a pot of soup and is attempting to cover up his mistake by throwing random ingredients into it.]''
:'''Remy''': What?! What is he doing?! No ...''NO''! No, this is terrible; he's ... ''RUINING THE SOUP''! A-and nobody's ''noticing''?! ''[to Gusteau]'' It's ''your'' restaurant! Do something!
:'''Gusteau''': What can ''I'' do? I am a figment of your imagination.
:'''Remy''': But he's ''ruining the soup!!'' We gotta tell someon-- ''[slips and falls]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[pause, Skinner looks around at the other cooks, who are smiling with approval]'' 
:'''Skinner''': Perhaps I have been a bit harsh on our new garbage boy. He has taken a bold risk, and we should reward that, as Chef Gusteau would have. If he wishes to swim in dangerous waters, who are we to deny him.
:'''Gusteau''': You were escaping?   
:'''Remy''': Oh, yeah.   
:'''Skinner''': Since you have expressed such an interest in his cooking career, you shall be responsible for it. Anyone else? Hmm... Then back to work! You are either very lucky or very unlucky. You will make the soup again, and this time I’ll be paying attention. Very close attention. They think you might be a cook, but do you know what I think, Linguini? I think you’re a sneaky, overreaching little... ''[spots Remy attempting to escape]'' ''RAAAAAAAT''!
:''[Grabs a broom and hits Remy with it]''
:'''Horst''': Get the rat!
:''[Everyone attempts to catch Remy]''
:'''Skinner''': Linguini! Get something to trap it!
:'''Horst''': It’s getting away! Get it, get it, get it!
:''[Linguini has trapped Rémy in a jar.]''
:'''Linguini''': What should I do now?
:'''Skinner''': Kill it!
:'''Linguini''': Now?
:'''Skinner''': ''NO''! Not in the kitchen! Are you ''mad''?! If anyone knew we had a rat in our kitchen, they’d shut us down! Our reputation is hanging by a thread as it is! Take it away from here - far away. Kill it! Dispose of it! Go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Anton Ego''': What is it, Ambrister? 
:'''Ambrister''': Gusteau's...
:'''Anton Ego''': Finally closing, is it?
:'''Ambrister''': No.
:'''Anton Ego''': More financial troubles?
:'''Ambrister''': No, it's... it's...
:'''Anton Ego''': Announced a new line of microwave egg-rolls?! What? What? Spit it ''out''!
:'''Ambrister''': It's come back, it's... popular.
:''[Ego partly spits out a mouthful of wine, before checking the label, then roughly swallowing the rest of the wine]'' 
:'''Anton Ego''': I haven't reviewed Gusteau's in years.
:'''Ambrister''': No sir.
:'''Anton Ego''': My last review condemned it to the tourist trade.
:'''Ambrister''': Yes sir. 
:''[Ego takes out a copy of his last review of Gusteau's]''
:'''Anton Ego''': I said: &quot;Gusteau has finally found his rightfully place in history right alongside another equally famous chef, Monsieur Boyardee.&quot;
:'''Ambrister''': Touché.
:'''Anton Ego''': That is where we left it, ''that'' was my last word. The. Last. ''Word''.
:'''Ambrister''': ''[cowering]'' Yes.
:'''Anton Ego''': Then tell me Ambrister; how could it be ''popular''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Skinner''': No, no, no, no, no, no, no! ''[Kicks drawer]'' 
:'''Talon''': The DNA matches, the timing works, everything checks out. He is Gusteau’s son.
:'''Skinner''': T-t-this can’t just happen! The whole thing is a set up! The boy knows! Look at him out there pretending to be an idiot! He’s toying with my mind, like a cat with a ball! Of... something!
:'''Talon''': String?
:'''Skinner''': Yes! Playing dumb! Taunting me with that rat!
:'''Talon''': Rat? 
:'''Skinner''': Yes! He’s consorting with it! Deliberately trying to make me think it’s important!
:'''Talon''': The... rat? 
:'''Skinner''': Exactly!
:'''Talon''': Is the rat... important?
:'''Skinner''': Of course not! He just wants me to ''think'' that it is! O-ho, I see the theatricality of it! A rat appears on the boy's first night, I order him to kill it, and now he wants me to see it ''everywhere''! ''[high voice]'' Ooooh! It's here! No it isn't, it's here! Am I seeing things, am I crazy, is there a phantom rat or is there not?! But oh, no! I refuse to be sucked into his little game... of...
:'''Talon''': ...Should I be concerned about this? About you? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Horst''': It's your recipe. How can you not know your own RECIPE?!
:'''Linguini''': I didn't write it down, it just came to me!
:'''Horst''': Well make it come to you again, ja? BECAUSE WE CAN'T SERVE THIS!
:'''Mustafa''': Where's the order?!  
:'''Linguini''': What if we just make something up?
:'''Larousse''': I have another idea. What if we ''serve them what they order''?!
:'''Colette''': We will make it! Just tell us what you did!
:'''Linguini''': I don't ''know'' what I did!
:'''Horst''': We need to tell the customers ''recipes''! 
:'''Linguini''': Then tell them... tell them... AAAH!
:''[Linguini flees the kitchen]''
:'''Larousse''': ...Eh?
:'''Django''': Remy.   
:'''Emile''': Don’t do it.
:'''Django''': Remy! Don’t! Stop!  
:'''Emile''': They'll see you. Stop.
:'''Horst''': We’re not talking about me. We’re talking about what to do right... 
:'''Chefs''': RATS!
:'''Django''': Remy!
:'''Horst''': Get my knife!  
:'''Linguini''': Don't touch him! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mustafa''': ''[taking Ego's order]'' Do you know what you'd like this evening, sir?
:'''Anton Ego''': Yes, I think I do. After reading a lot of overheated puffery about your new cook, you know what I'm craving? A little perspective. That's it. I'd like some fresh, clear, well-seasoned perspective. Can you suggest a good wine to go with that?
:'''Mustafa''': ''[confused]'' With what, sir?
:'''Anton Ego''': Perspective. Fresh out, I take it?
:'''Mustafa''': I am, uh...
:'''Anton Ego''': Very well. Since you're all out of perspective and no one else seems to have it in this ''BLOODY town'', I'll make you a deal. ''You'' provide the food, ''I'll'' provide the perspective, which would go nicely with a bottle of Cheval Blanc 1947.
:'''Mustafa''': I'm afraid... your dinner selection?
:'''Anton Ego''': ''[stands up angrily]'' Tell your chef Linguini that I want whatever he dares to serve me. Tell him to ''hit'' me with his best ''SHOT''.
:''[Skinner is in disguise nearby and speaks to his waiter]''
:'''Skinner''': ''[in a lower and gruff voice]'' I will 'ave whatever 'e is having.
:'''Gusteau''': ''[Remy is locked in a cage]'' So, we have given up.  
:'''Remy''': Why do you say that?
:'''Gusteau''': We are in a cage, inside a car trunk, awaiting a future in frozen food products. 
:'''Remy''': No, I'm the one in a cage. I've given up. You… are free.
:'''Gusteau''': I am only as free as you imagine me to be. As you are.  
:'''Remy''': Oh, please. I'm sick of pretending. I pretend to be a rat for my father, I pretend to be a human for Linguini. I pretend you exist so I have someone to talk to! You only tell me stuff I already know! 
:

== Taglines ==
* He's dying to become a chef.
* A Comedy with Great Taste.
* A Rat in a Kitchen... Cooking?!?!?!

== Cast ==
* [[Patton Oswalt]] — Rémy
* [[w:Lou Romano|Lou Romano]] — Linguini
* [[Janeane Garofalo]] — Colette
* [[w:Ian Holm|Ian Holm]] — Skinner
* [[w:Peter Sohn|Peter Sohn]] — Émile
* [[Brad Garrett]] — Gusteau
* [[w:Brian Dennehy|Brian Dennehy]] — Django
* [[w:Peter O'Toole|Peter O'Toole]] — Anton Ego
* [[Will Arnett]] — Horst
* [[w:Julius Callahan|Julius Callahan]] — Lalo
* [[w:James Remar|James Remar]] — Larousse
* [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] — Mustafa
* [[w:Teddy Newton|Teddy Newton]] — Talon Labarthe
* [[w:Tony Fucile|Tony Fucile]] — Pompidou
* [[w:Jake Steinfeld|Jake Steinfeld]] — Git
* [[Brad Bird]] — Ambrister Minion
* [[w:Stéphane Roux (actor)|Stéphane Roux]] — the narrator of the cooking channel
* [[w:Thomas Keller|Thomas Keller]] — the male dining patron who asks what's new
* [[w:Winston I. Steve Barnum|Winston I. Steve Barnum]] — the chef friendly male

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==

* I think our goal is to get the impression of something rather than perfect photographic reality. It’s to get the feeling of something so I think that our challenge was the computer basically wants to do things that are clean and perfect and don’t have any history to them. If you want to do something that’s different than that you have to put that information in there and the computer kind of fights you. It really doesn’t want to do that and Paris is a very rich city that has a lot of history to it and it’s lived in. Everything’s beautiful but it’s lived in. It has history to it, so it has imperfections and it’s part of why it’s beautiful is you can feel the history in every little nook and cranny. For us every single bit of that has to be put in there. We can’t go somewhere and film something. If there’s a crack in there, we have to design the crack and if you noticed the tiles on the floor of the restaurant, they’re not perfectly flat, they’re like slightly angled differently, and they catch light differently. Somebody has to sit there and angle them all separately so we had to focus on that a lot. And it was a movie about good food and the food had to look delicious and its data. How do you define what makes food look good. It’s actually a bunch of really subtle little complicated things and everybody worked really hard on it.
:* Brad Bird [http://collider.com/brad-bird-interview-ratatouille/]
* I entered this movie as director kind of late. I was asked to come on the project a little less than a year and a half ago, so several characters had been cast before I got there. Famous people like Ian Holm, Brian Dennehy, and Brad Garrett were already on board and there were also some Pixar people who happened to have perfect voices, like Lou Romano who did Linguini. He was production designer on The Incredibles. And Pete Sohn is a young, very gifted story guide and animator who worked on Iron Giant and Incredibles and he did the voice of Emile, who is Remy’s brother. So those guys are in-house and they were already involved in the project and I didn’t see any reason to change what was perfect. I re-cast a couple characters and there was a lot of difficulty in casting Remy and I heard Patton Oswalt on the radio and I thought he’d be perfect. I brought Peter O’Toole on and when I was first writing the character of Anton Ego that was the voice I heard in my mind and I was just hoping that he would say yes and he did. But Janeane Garofalo we cast after I came on and she does Colette and a lot of people can’t even recognize her because she so completely disappears into this role, which is a testament to how great an actress she is, and I’m really happy with the voice track on this film because it put the challenge to the animators to come up to the quality and be inspired by the voices – and I think they did.
:* Brad Bird [http://www.gonewiththetwins.com/pages/interviews/2008/interview_ratatouille1.php]

*  It was six years ago and you look at the scope of your film and we knew it would be about rats and we knew we needed the rats to be able to move in certain ways. Pixar’s never really done a film with four-legged critters in it to any great extent, so I was excited because some of Disney’s great classical animated films have critters running around like this. We threw down to the tools group, who writes our code because it’s all proprietary software, that we need this to be phenomenal so we actually experimented for about a year in sort of a dead end, but it was always going to be promising and something special. Brad Bird made several things work that weren’t working. We figured that once we got them outfitted correctly with the right technical setup so that they could squash and stretch beyond what’s been done before in animation, that in the hands of a director like Brad who knows animation inside and out, that it would be phenomenal. As far as the food looking great, we hoped we would pull it off and I think we did. I think appetizing food in a film like this is a surprise and if people come out hungry, which I’ve heard has happened, then that’s a testament to that
:* Brian Lewis [:* Brad Bird [http://www.gonewiththetwins.com/pages/interviews/2008/interview_ratatouille1.php]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Ratatouille (film)}}
{{Commons category|Ratatouille (film)}}
* {{imdb title|id=0382932|title=Ratatouille}} &lt;!-- see [[Template:Imdb title]] on how to get IMDB ID --&gt;
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=ratatouille|title=Ratatouille}} &lt;!-- see [[Template:Rotten-tomatoes]] on how to get RT ID --&gt;
* The official [http://disney.go.com/disneypictures/ratatouille/ Ratatouille] site

[[Category:2007 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]                    [[te:రాటటౌల్లె (2007 సినిమా)]]
[[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:Jan Pinkava films]]
[[Category:Food and drink]]
[[Category:Films directed by Brad Bird]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Ratatouille (film)|Ratatouille]]''''' is a ([[w:2007 in film|2007]]) animated [[w:Disney|Disney]]/[[w:Pixar|Pixar]] film about a rat (Rémy) who longs to follow in the footsteps of his hero, the late Chef Auguste Gusteau — at one time considered to be the greatest chef in Paris. After discovering an unusual way through which he can control the actions of the hapless Linguini, who was working as a garbage boy in the kitchen of Gusteau's restaurant at the time, he is given the ultimate opportunity to show the world what he can do.
:''Written and Directed by [[Brad Bird]].''
{{center|'''He's dying to become a chef.'''&lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Dialogue ==
:''[After Remy's been separated from his colony]''
:'''Remy''': ''[voiceover]'' I waited. For a sound. A voice. A sign. ''Something''.
:''[Remy is reading Gusteau's 'Anyone Can Cook'. He stops on a page with food on it, causing his stomach to grumble. He turns away, shielding the image of food from his view]''
:'''Gusteau''': ''[as a book illustration]'' If you are hungry, go up and look around, Remy.
:''[Remy is shocked to hear this. He looks under the page Gusteau's image is under.]''
:'''Gusteau''': Why do you wait and mope?
:'''Remy''': Well, I just lost my family ... all my friends. Probably forever. 
:'''Gusteau''': How do you know?
:'''Remy''': I ... uh ... ''[catches himself with a scoff]'' ''You'' are an illustration. Why am I ''talking'' to you?
:'''Gusteau''': Oh, you just lost your family, all your friends. You are lonely.
:'''Remy''': Yeah ... well, ''you're'' dead.
:'''Gusteau''': Ah, but that is no match for wishful thinking! If you focus on what you left behind, you will never be able to see what lies ahead. Now go up and look around!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Remy's about to eat a bread crumb in someone's house when Gusteau appears before him.]''
:'''Gusteau''': What are you doing?!
:'''Remy''': ''[Sighs]'' I'm ''hungry''! I don't know ''where'' I am, I don't know ''when'' I'll find food again!
:'''Gusteau''': Rémy, you are better than that. You are a cook! A cook ''makes''; a thief ''takes''. You are not a thief.
:'''Remy''': But I ''am'' hungry.
:'''Gusteau''': ''[chuckles]'' Food will come, Remy. Food always comes to those who love to cook.
:''[Gusteau's image disappears into the bread crumb]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Remy''': The sous is responsible for the kitchen when the chef's not around. Saucier, in charge of sauces. Very important. Chef de partie, demi chef de partie, both important. Commis, commis, they're cooks. Very important.
:'''Gusteau''': Ah, you are a clever rat. Now, who is that?
:''[He points to Linguini, who's clumsily cleaning up the kitchen]''
:'''Remy''': Oh, him? He’s nobody.
:'''Gusteau''': Not nobody. He is part of the kitchen.
:'''Remy''': No, he’s a ''plongeur'' or something. He washes dishes or takes out the garbage. He doesn’t cook.
:'''Gusteau''': But he ''could''.
:'''Remy''': ''[dismissively]'' Uh, no. 
:'''Gusteau''': How do you know? What do I always say, Remy? Anyone can cook.
:'''Remy''': Well yeah, anyone ''can''. That doesn't mean that anyone ''should''.
:'''Gusteau''': Well, that is not stopping him. See?
:''[Linguini has accidentally spilt a pot of soup and is attempting to cover up his mistake by throwing random ingredients into it.]''
:'''Remy''': What?! What is he doing?! No ...''NO''! No, this is terrible; he's ... ''RUINING THE SOUP''! A-and nobody's ''noticing''?! ''[to Gusteau]'' It's ''your'' restaurant! Do something!
:'''Gusteau''': What can ''I'' do? I am a figment of your imagination.
:'''Remy''': But he's ''ruining the soup!!'' We gotta tell someon-- ''[slips and falls]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Skinner''': And what belief is that, Mademoiselle Tatou? '''Colette''': Anyone can cook.  ''[pause, Skinner looks around at the other cooks, who are smiling with approval]'' 
:'''Skinner''': Perhaps I have been a bit harsh on our new garbage boy. He has taken a bold risk, and we should reward that, as Chef Gusteau would have. If he wishes to swim in dangerous waters, who are we to deny him.
:'''Gusteau''': You were escaping?   
:'''Remy''': Oh, yeah.   
:'''Skinner''': Since you have expressed such an interest in his cooking career, you shall be responsible for it. Anyone else? Hmm... Then back to work! You are either very lucky or very unlucky. You will make the soup again, and this time I’ll be paying attention. Very close attention. They think you might be a cook, but do you know what I think, Linguini? I think you’re a sneaky, overreaching little... ''[spots Remy attempting to escape]'' ''RAAAAAAAT''!
:''[Grabs a broom and hits Remy with it]''
:'''Horst''': Get the rat!
:''[Everyone attempts to catch Remy]''
:'''Skinner''': Linguini! Get something to trap it!
:'''Horst''': It’s getting away! Get it, get it, get it!
:''[Linguini has trapped Rémy in a jar.]''
:'''Linguini''': What should I do now?
:'''Skinner''': Kill it!
:'''Linguini''': Now?
:'''Skinner''': ''NO''! Not in the kitchen! Are you ''mad''?! If anyone knew we had a rat in our kitchen, they’d shut us down! Our reputation is hanging by a thread as it is! Take it away from here - far away. Kill it! Dispose of it! Go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Anton Ego''': What is it, Ambrister? 
:'''Ambrister''': Gusteau's...
:'''Anton Ego''': Finally closing, is it?
:'''Ambrister''': No.
:'''Anton Ego''': More financial troubles?
:'''Ambrister''': No, it's... it's...
:'''Anton Ego''': Announced a new line of microwave egg-rolls?! What? What? Spit it ''out''!
:'''Ambrister''': It's come back, it's... popular.
:''[Ego partly spits out a mouthful of wine, before checking the label, then roughly swallowing the rest of the wine]'' 
:'''Anton Ego''': I haven't reviewed Gusteau's in years.
:'''Ambrister''': No sir.
:'''Anton Ego''': My last review condemned it to the tourist trade.
:'''Ambrister''': Yes sir. 
:''[Ego takes out a copy of his last review of Gusteau's]''
:'''Anton Ego''': I said: &quot;Gusteau has finally found his rightfully place in history right alongside another equally famous chef, Monsieur Boyardee.&quot;
:'''Ambrister''': Touché.
:'''Anton Ego''': That is where we left it, ''that'' was my last word. The. Last. ''Word''.
:'''Ambrister''': ''[cowering]'' Yes.
:'''Anton Ego''': Then tell me Ambrister; how could it be ''popular''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Skinner''': No, no, no, no, no, no, no! ''[Kicks drawer]'' 
:'''Talon''': The DNA matches, the timing works, everything checks out. He is Gusteau’s son.
:'''Skinner''': T-t-this can’t just happen! The whole thing is a set up! The boy knows! Look at him out there pretending to be an idiot! He’s toying with my mind, like a cat with a ball! Of... something!
:'''Talon''': String?
:'''Skinner''': Yes! Playing dumb! Taunting me with that rat!
:'''Talon''': Rat? 
:'''Skinner''': Yes! He’s consorting with it! Deliberately trying to make me think it’s important!
:'''Talon''': The... rat? 
:'''Skinner''': Exactly!
:'''Talon''': Is the rat... important?
:'''Skinner''': Of course not! He just wants me to ''think'' that it is! O-ho, I see the theatricality of it! A rat appears on the boy's first night, I order him to kill it, and now he wants me to see it ''everywhere''! ''[high voice]'' Ooooh! It's here! No it isn't, it's here! Am I seeing things, am I crazy, is there a phantom rat or is there not?! But oh, no! I refuse to be sucked into his little game... of...
:'''Talon''': ...Should I be concerned about this? About you? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Horst''': It's your recipe. How can you not know your own RECIPE?!
:'''Linguini''': I didn't write it down, it just came to me!
:'''Horst''': Well make it come to you again, ja? BECAUSE WE CAN'T SERVE THIS!
:'''Mustafa''': Where's the order?!  
:'''Linguini''': What if we just make something up?
:'''Pompidou''': We cannot be all out. We just opened. '''Larousse''': I have another idea. What if we ''serve them what they order''?!
:'''Colette''': We will make it! Just tell us what you did!
:'''Linguini''': I don't ''know'' what I did!
:'''Horst''': We need to tell the customers ''recipes''! 
:'''Linguini''': Then tell them... tell them... AAAH!
:''[Linguini flees the kitchen]''
:'''Larousse''': ...Eh?
:'''Django''': Remy.   
:'''Emile''': Don’t do it.
:'''Django''': Remy! Don’t! Stop!  
:'''Emile''': They'll see you. Stop.
:'''Horst''': We’re not talking about me. We’re talking about what to do right... 
:'''Chefs''': RATS!
:'''Django''': Remy!
:'''Horst''': Get my knife!  
:'''Linguini''': Don't touch him! ''[whispering]'' Thanks for coming back, Little Chef. I know this sounds insane, but… Well the truth sounds insane sometimes, but that doesn’t mean it's not. Uh, the truth. And the truth is, I have no talent at all. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mustafa''': ''[taking Ego's order]'' Do you know what you'd like this evening, sir?
:'''Anton Ego''': Yes, I think I do. After reading a lot of overheated puffery about your new cook, you know what I'm craving? A little perspective. That's it. I'd like some fresh, clear, well-seasoned perspective. Can you suggest a good wine to go with that?
:'''Mustafa''': ''[confused]'' With what, sir?
:'''Anton Ego''': Perspective. Fresh out, I take it?
:'''Mustafa''': I am, uh...
:'''Anton Ego''': Very well. Since you're all out of perspective and no one else seems to have it in this ''BLOODY town'', I'll make you a deal. ''You'' provide the food, ''I'll'' provide the perspective, which would go nicely with a bottle of Cheval Blanc 1947.
:'''Mustafa''': I'm afraid... your dinner selection?
:'''Anton Ego''': ''[stands up angrily]'' Tell your chef Linguini that I want whatever he dares to serve me. Tell him to ''hit'' me with his best ''SHOT''.
:''[Skinner is in disguise nearby and speaks to his waiter]''
:'''Skinner''': ''[in a lower and gruff voice]'' I will 'ave whatever 'e is having.
:'''Gusteau''': ''[Remy is locked in a cage]'' So, we have given up.  
:'''Remy''': Why do you say that?
:'''Gusteau''': We are in a cage, inside a car trunk, awaiting a future in frozen food products. 
:'''Remy''': No, I'm the one in a cage. I've given up. You… are free.
:'''Gusteau''': I am only as free as you imagine me to be. As you are.  
:'''Remy''': Oh, please. I'm sick of pretending. I pretend to be a rat for my father, I pretend to be a human for Linguini. I pretend you exist so I have someone to talk to! You only tell me stuff I already know! 
:

== Taglines ==
* He's dying to become a chef.
* A Comedy with Great Taste.
* A Rat in a Kitchen... Cooking?!?!?!

== Cast ==
* [[Patton Oswalt]] — Rémy
* [[w:Lou Romano|Lou Romano]] — Linguini
* [[Janeane Garofalo]] — Colette
* [[w:Ian Holm|Ian Holm]] — Skinner
* [[w:Peter Sohn|Peter Sohn]] — Émile
* [[Brad Garrett]] — Gusteau
* [[w:Brian Dennehy|Brian Dennehy]] — Django
* [[w:Peter O'Toole|Peter O'Toole]] — Anton Ego
* [[Will Arnett]] — Horst
* [[w:Julius Callahan|Julius Callahan]] — Lalo
* [[w:James Remar|James Remar]] — Larousse
* [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] — Mustafa
* [[w:Teddy Newton|Teddy Newton]] — Talon Labarthe
* [[w:Tony Fucile|Tony Fucile]] — Pompidou
* [[w:Jake Steinfeld|Jake Steinfeld]] — Git
* [[Brad Bird]] — Ambrister Minion
* [[w:Stéphane Roux (actor)|Stéphane Roux]] — the narrator of the cooking channel
* [[w:Thomas Keller|Thomas Keller]] — the male dining patron who asks what's new
* [[w:Winston I. Steve Barnum|Winston I. Steve Barnum]] — the chef friendly male

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==

* I think our goal is to get the impression of something rather than perfect photographic reality. It’s to get the feeling of something so I think that our challenge was the computer basically wants to do things that are clean and perfect and don’t have any history to them. If you want to do something that’s different than that you have to put that information in there and the computer kind of fights you. It really doesn’t want to do that and Paris is a very rich city that has a lot of history to it and it’s lived in. Everything’s beautiful but it’s lived in. It has history to it, so it has imperfections and it’s part of why it’s beautiful is you can feel the history in every little nook and cranny. For us every single bit of that has to be put in there. We can’t go somewhere and film something. If there’s a crack in there, we have to design the crack and if you noticed the tiles on the floor of the restaurant, they’re not perfectly flat, they’re like slightly angled differently, and they catch light differently. Somebody has to sit there and angle them all separately so we had to focus on that a lot. And it was a movie about good food and the food had to look delicious and its data. How do you define what makes food look good. It’s actually a bunch of really subtle little complicated things and everybody worked really hard on it.
:* Brad Bird [http://collider.com/brad-bird-interview-ratatouille/]
* I entered this movie as director kind of late. I was asked to come on the project a little less than a year and a half ago, so several characters had been cast before I got there. Famous people like Ian Holm, Brian Dennehy, and Brad Garrett were already on board and there were also some Pixar people who happened to have perfect voices, like Lou Romano who did Linguini. He was production designer on The Incredibles. And Pete Sohn is a young, very gifted story guide and animator who worked on Iron Giant and Incredibles and he did the voice of Emile, who is Remy’s brother. So those guys are in-house and they were already involved in the project and I didn’t see any reason to change what was perfect. I re-cast a couple characters and there was a lot of difficulty in casting Remy and I heard Patton Oswalt on the radio and I thought he’d be perfect. I brought Peter O’Toole on and when I was first writing the character of Anton Ego that was the voice I heard in my mind and I was just hoping that he would say yes and he did. But Janeane Garofalo we cast after I came on and she does Colette and a lot of people can’t even recognize her because she so completely disappears into this role, which is a testament to how great an actress she is, and I’m really happy with the voice track on this film because it put the challenge to the animators to come up to the quality and be inspired by the voices – and I think they did.
:* Brad Bird [http://www.gonewiththetwins.com/pages/interviews/2008/interview_ratatouille1.php]

*  It was six years ago and you look at the scope of your film and we knew it would be about rats and we knew we needed the rats to be able to move in certain ways. Pixar’s never really done a film with four-legged critters in it to any great extent, so I was excited because some of Disney’s great classical animated films have critters running around like this. We threw down to the tools group, who writes our code because it’s all proprietary software, that we need this to be phenomenal so we actually experimented for about a year in sort of a dead end, but it was always going to be promising and something special. Brad Bird made several things work that weren’t working. We figured that once we got them outfitted correctly with the right technical setup so that they could squash and stretch beyond what’s been done before in animation, that in the hands of a director like Brad who knows animation inside and out, that it would be phenomenal. As far as the food looking great, we hoped we would pull it off and I think we did. I think appetizing food in a film like this is a surprise and if people come out hungry, which I’ve heard has happened, then that’s a testament to that
:* Brian Lewis [:* Brad Bird [http://www.gonewiththetwins.com/pages/interviews/2008/interview_ratatouille1.php]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Ratatouille (film)}}
{{Commons category|Ratatouille (film)}}
* {{imdb title|id=0382932|title=Ratatouille}} &lt;!-- see [[Template:Imdb title]] on how to get IMDB ID --&gt;
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=ratatouille|title=Ratatouille}} &lt;!-- see [[Template:Rotten-tomatoes]] on how to get RT ID --&gt;
* The official [http://disney.go.com/disneypictures/ratatouille/ Ratatouille] site

[[Category:2007 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]                    [[te:రాటటౌల్లె (2007 సినిమా)]]
[[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:Jan Pinkava films]]
[[Category:Food and drink]]
[[Category:Films directed by Brad Bird]]</text>
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    <revision>
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'''''[[w:Ratatouille (film)|Ratatouille]]''''' is a ([[w:2007 in film|2007]]) animated [[w:Disney|Disney]]/[[w:Pixar|Pixar]] film about a rat (Rémy) who longs to follow in the footsteps of his hero, the late Chef Auguste Gusteau — at one time considered to be the greatest chef in Paris. After discovering an unusual way through which he can control the actions of the hapless Linguini, who was working as a garbage boy in the kitchen of Gusteau's restaurant at the time, he is given the ultimate opportunity to show the world what he can do.
:''Written and Directed by [[Brad Bird]].''
{{center|'''He's dying to become a chef.'''&lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Dialogue ==
:''[After Remy's been separated from his colony]''
:'''Remy''': ''[voiceover]'' I waited. For a sound. A voice. A sign. ''Something''.
:''[Remy is reading Gusteau's 'Anyone Can Cook'. He stops on a page with food on it, causing his stomach to grumble. He turns away, shielding the image of food from his view]''
:'''Gusteau''': ''[as a book illustration]'' If you are hungry, go up and look around, Remy.
:''[Remy is shocked to hear this. He looks under the page Gusteau's image is under.]''
:'''Gusteau''': Why do you wait and mope?
:'''Remy''': Well, I just lost my family ... all my friends. Probably forever. 
:'''Gusteau''': How do you know?
:'''Remy''': I ... uh ... ''[catches himself with a scoff]'' ''You'' are an illustration. Why am I ''talking'' to you?
:'''Gusteau''': Oh, you just lost your family, all your friends. You are lonely.
:'''Remy''': Yeah ... well, ''you're'' dead.
:'''Gusteau''': Ah, but that is no match for wishful thinking! If you focus on what you left behind, you will never be able to see what lies ahead. Now go up and look around!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Remy's about to eat a bread crumb in someone's house when Gusteau appears before him.]''
:'''Gusteau''': What are you doing?!
:'''Remy''': ''[Sighs]'' I'm ''hungry''! I don't know ''where'' I am, I don't know ''when'' I'll find food again!
:'''Gusteau''': Rémy, you are better than that. You are a cook! A cook ''makes''; a thief ''takes''. You are not a thief.
:'''Remy''': But I ''am'' hungry.
:'''Gusteau''': ''[chuckles]'' Food will come, Remy. Food always comes to those who love to cook.
:''[Gusteau's image disappears into the bread crumb]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Remy''': The sous is responsible for the kitchen when the chef's not around. Saucier, in charge of sauces. Very important. Chef de partie, demi chef de partie, both important. Commis, commis, they're cooks. Very important.
:'''Gusteau''': Ah, you are a clever rat. Now, who is that?
:''[He points to Linguini, who's clumsily cleaning up the kitchen]''
:'''Remy''': Oh, him? He’s nobody.
:'''Gusteau''': Not nobody. He is part of the kitchen.
:'''Remy''': No, he’s a ''plongeur'' or something. He washes dishes or takes out the garbage. He doesn’t cook.
:'''Gusteau''': But he ''could''.
:'''Remy''': ''[dismissively]'' Uh, no. 
:'''Gusteau''': How do you know? What do I always say, Remy? Anyone can cook.
:'''Remy''': Well yeah, anyone ''can''. That doesn't mean that anyone ''should''.
:'''Gusteau''': Well, that is not stopping him. See?
:''[Linguini has accidentally spilt a pot of soup and is attempting to cover up his mistake by throwing random ingredients into it.]''
:'''Remy''': What?! What is he doing?! No ...''NO''! No, this is terrible; he's ... ''RUINING THE SOUP''! A-and nobody's ''noticing''?! ''[to Gusteau]'' It's ''your'' restaurant! Do something!
:'''Gusteau''': What can ''I'' do? I am a figment of your imagination.
:'''Remy''': But he's ''ruining the soup!!'' We gotta tell someon-- ''[slips and falls]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Skinner''': And what belief is that, Mademoiselle Tatou? 
:'''Colette''': Anyone can cook.  
:''[pause, Skinner looks around at the other cooks, who are smiling with approval]'' 
:'''Skinner''': Perhaps I have been a bit harsh on our new garbage boy. He has taken a bold risk, and we should reward that, as Chef Gusteau would have. If he wishes to swim in dangerous waters, who are we to deny him.
:'''Gusteau''': You were escaping?   
:'''Remy''': Oh, yeah.   
:'''Skinner''': Since you have expressed such an interest in his cooking career, you shall be responsible for it. Anyone else? Hmm... Then back to work! You are either very lucky or very unlucky. You will make the soup again, and this time I’ll be paying attention. Very close attention. They think you might be a cook, but do you know what I think, Linguini? I think you’re a sneaky, overreaching little... ''[spots Remy attempting to escape]'' ''RAAAAAAAT''!
:''[Grabs a broom and hits Remy with it]''
:'''Horst''': Get the rat!
:''[Everyone attempts to catch Remy]''
:'''Skinner''': Linguini! Get something to trap it!
:'''Horst''': It’s getting away! Get it, get it, get it!
:''[Linguini has trapped Rémy in a jar.]''
:'''Linguini''': What should I do now?
:'''Skinner''': Kill it!
:'''Linguini''': Now?
:'''Skinner''': ''NO''! Not in the kitchen! Are you ''mad''?! If anyone knew we had a rat in our kitchen, they’d shut us down! Our reputation is hanging by a thread as it is! Take it away from here - far away. Kill it! Dispose of it! Go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Anton Ego''': What is it, Ambrister? 
:'''Ambrister''': Gusteau's...
:'''Anton Ego''': Finally closing, is it?
:'''Ambrister''': No.
:'''Anton Ego''': More financial troubles?
:'''Ambrister''': No, it's... it's...
:'''Anton Ego''': Announced a new line of microwave egg-rolls?! What? What? Spit it ''out''!
:'''Ambrister''': It's come back, it's... popular.
:''[Ego partly spits out a mouthful of wine, before checking the label, then roughly swallowing the rest of the wine]'' 
:'''Anton Ego''': I haven't reviewed Gusteau's in years.
:'''Ambrister''': No sir.
:'''Anton Ego''': My last review condemned it to the tourist trade.
:'''Ambrister''': Yes sir. 
:''[Ego takes out a copy of his last review of Gusteau's]''
:'''Anton Ego''': I said: &quot;Gusteau has finally found his rightfully place in history right alongside another equally famous chef, Monsieur Boyardee.&quot;
:'''Ambrister''': Touché.
:'''Anton Ego''': That is where we left it, ''that'' was my last word. The. Last. ''Word''.
:'''Ambrister''': ''[cowering]'' Yes.
:'''Anton Ego''': Then tell me Ambrister; how could it be ''popular''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Skinner''': No, no, no, no, no, no, no! ''[Kicks drawer]'' 
:'''Talon''': The DNA matches, the timing works, everything checks out. He is Gusteau’s son.
:'''Skinner''': T-t-this can’t just happen! The whole thing is a set up! The boy knows! Look at him out there pretending to be an idiot! He’s toying with my mind, like a cat with a ball! Of... something!
:'''Talon''': String?
:'''Skinner''': Yes! Playing dumb! Taunting me with that rat!
:'''Talon''': Rat? 
:'''Skinner''': Yes! He’s consorting with it! Deliberately trying to make me think it’s important!
:'''Talon''': The... rat? 
:'''Skinner''': Exactly!
:'''Talon''': Is the rat... important?
:'''Skinner''': Of course not! He just wants me to ''think'' that it is! O-ho, I see the theatricality of it! A rat appears on the boy's first night, I order him to kill it, and now he wants me to see it ''everywhere''! ''[high voice]'' Ooooh! It's here! No it isn't, it's here! Am I seeing things, am I crazy, is there a phantom rat or is there not?! But oh, no! I refuse to be sucked into his little game... of...
:'''Talon''': ...Should I be concerned about this? About you? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Horst''': It's your recipe. How can you not know your own RECIPE?!
:'''Linguini''': I didn't write it down, it just came to me!
:'''Horst''': Well make it come to you again, ja? BECAUSE WE CAN'T SERVE THIS!
:'''Mustafa''': Where's the order?!  
:'''Linguini''': What if we just make something up?
:'''Pompidou''': We cannot be all out. We just opened. 
:'''Larousse''': I have another idea. What if we ''serve them what they order''?!
:'''Colette''': We will make it! Just tell us what you did!
:'''Linguini''': I don't ''know'' what I did!
:'''Horst''': We need to tell the customers ''recipes''! 
:'''Linguini''': Then tell them... tell them... AAAH!
:''[Linguini flees the kitchen]''
:'''Larousse''': ...Eh?
:'''Django''': Remy.   
:'''Emile''': Don’t do it.
:'''Django''': Remy! Don’t! Stop!  
:'''Emile''': They'll see you. Stop.
:'''Horst''': We’re not talking about me. We’re talking about what to do right... 
:'''Chefs''': RATS!
:'''Django''': Remy!
:'''Horst''': Get my knife!  
:'''Linguini''': Don't touch him! ''[whispering]'' Thanks for coming back, Little Chef. I know this sounds insane, but… Well the truth sounds insane sometimes, but that doesn’t mean it's not. Uh, the truth. And the truth is, I have no talent at all. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mustafa''': ''[taking Ego's order]'' Do you know what you'd like this evening, sir?
:'''Anton Ego''': Yes, I think I do. After reading a lot of overheated puffery about your new cook, you know what I'm craving? A little perspective. That's it. I'd like some fresh, clear, well-seasoned perspective. Can you suggest a good wine to go with that?
:'''Mustafa''': ''[confused]'' With what, sir?
:'''Anton Ego''': Perspective. Fresh out, I take it?
:'''Mustafa''': I am, uh...
:'''Anton Ego''': Very well. Since you're all out of perspective and no one else seems to have it in this ''BLOODY town'', I'll make you a deal. ''You'' provide the food, ''I'll'' provide the perspective, which would go nicely with a bottle of Cheval Blanc 1947.
:'''Mustafa''': I'm afraid... your dinner selection?
:'''Anton Ego''': ''[stands up angrily]'' Tell your chef Linguini that I want whatever he dares to serve me. Tell him to ''hit'' me with his best ''SHOT''.
:''[Skinner is in disguise nearby and speaks to his waiter]''
:'''Skinner''': ''[in a lower and gruff voice]'' I will 'ave whatever 'e is having.
:'''Gusteau''': ''[Remy is locked in a cage]'' So, we have given up.  
:'''Remy''': Why do you say that?
:'''Gusteau''': We are in a cage, inside a car trunk, awaiting a future in frozen food products. 
:'''Remy''': No, I'm the one in a cage. I've given up. You… are free.
:'''Gusteau''': I am only as free as you imagine me to be. As you are.  
:'''Remy''': Oh, please. I'm sick of pretending. I pretend to be a rat for my father, I pretend to be a human for Linguini. I pretend you exist so I have someone to talk to! You only tell me stuff I already know! 
:

== Taglines ==
* He's dying to become a chef.
* A Comedy with Great Taste.
* A Rat in a Kitchen... Cooking?!?!?!

== Cast ==
* [[Patton Oswalt]] — Rémy
* [[w:Lou Romano|Lou Romano]] — Linguini
* [[Janeane Garofalo]] — Colette
* [[w:Ian Holm|Ian Holm]] — Skinner
* [[w:Peter Sohn|Peter Sohn]] — Émile
* [[Brad Garrett]] — Gusteau
* [[w:Brian Dennehy|Brian Dennehy]] — Django
* [[w:Peter O'Toole|Peter O'Toole]] — Anton Ego
* [[Will Arnett]] — Horst
* [[w:Julius Callahan|Julius Callahan]] — Lalo
* [[w:James Remar|James Remar]] — Larousse
* [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] — Mustafa
* [[w:Teddy Newton|Teddy Newton]] — Talon Labarthe
* [[w:Tony Fucile|Tony Fucile]] — Pompidou
* [[w:Jake Steinfeld|Jake Steinfeld]] — Git
* [[Brad Bird]] — Ambrister Minion
* [[w:Stéphane Roux (actor)|Stéphane Roux]] — the narrator of the cooking channel
* [[w:Thomas Keller|Thomas Keller]] — the male dining patron who asks what's new
* [[w:Winston I. Steve Barnum|Winston I. Steve Barnum]] — the chef friendly male

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==

* I think our goal is to get the impression of something rather than perfect photographic reality. It’s to get the feeling of something so I think that our challenge was the computer basically wants to do things that are clean and perfect and don’t have any history to them. If you want to do something that’s different than that you have to put that information in there and the computer kind of fights you. It really doesn’t want to do that and Paris is a very rich city that has a lot of history to it and it’s lived in. Everything’s beautiful but it’s lived in. It has history to it, so it has imperfections and it’s part of why it’s beautiful is you can feel the history in every little nook and cranny. For us every single bit of that has to be put in there. We can’t go somewhere and film something. If there’s a crack in there, we have to design the crack and if you noticed the tiles on the floor of the restaurant, they’re not perfectly flat, they’re like slightly angled differently, and they catch light differently. Somebody has to sit there and angle them all separately so we had to focus on that a lot. And it was a movie about good food and the food had to look delicious and its data. How do you define what makes food look good. It’s actually a bunch of really subtle little complicated things and everybody worked really hard on it.
:* Brad Bird [http://collider.com/brad-bird-interview-ratatouille/]
* I entered this movie as director kind of late. I was asked to come on the project a little less than a year and a half ago, so several characters had been cast before I got there. Famous people like Ian Holm, Brian Dennehy, and Brad Garrett were already on board and there were also some Pixar people who happened to have perfect voices, like Lou Romano who did Linguini. He was production designer on The Incredibles. And Pete Sohn is a young, very gifted story guide and animator who worked on Iron Giant and Incredibles and he did the voice of Emile, who is Remy’s brother. So those guys are in-house and they were already involved in the project and I didn’t see any reason to change what was perfect. I re-cast a couple characters and there was a lot of difficulty in casting Remy and I heard Patton Oswalt on the radio and I thought he’d be perfect. I brought Peter O’Toole on and when I was first writing the character of Anton Ego that was the voice I heard in my mind and I was just hoping that he would say yes and he did. But Janeane Garofalo we cast after I came on and she does Colette and a lot of people can’t even recognize her because she so completely disappears into this role, which is a testament to how great an actress she is, and I’m really happy with the voice track on this film because it put the challenge to the animators to come up to the quality and be inspired by the voices – and I think they did.
:* Brad Bird [http://www.gonewiththetwins.com/pages/interviews/2008/interview_ratatouille1.php]

*  It was six years ago and you look at the scope of your film and we knew it would be about rats and we knew we needed the rats to be able to move in certain ways. Pixar’s never really done a film with four-legged critters in it to any great extent, so I was excited because some of Disney’s great classical animated films have critters running around like this. We threw down to the tools group, who writes our code because it’s all proprietary software, that we need this to be phenomenal so we actually experimented for about a year in sort of a dead end, but it was always going to be promising and something special. Brad Bird made several things work that weren’t working. We figured that once we got them outfitted correctly with the right technical setup so that they could squash and stretch beyond what’s been done before in animation, that in the hands of a director like Brad who knows animation inside and out, that it would be phenomenal. As far as the food looking great, we hoped we would pull it off and I think we did. I think appetizing food in a film like this is a surprise and if people come out hungry, which I’ve heard has happened, then that’s a testament to that
:* Brian Lewis [:* Brad Bird [http://www.gonewiththetwins.com/pages/interviews/2008/interview_ratatouille1.php]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Ratatouille (film)}}
{{Commons category|Ratatouille (film)}}
* {{imdb title|id=0382932|title=Ratatouille}} &lt;!-- see [[Template:Imdb title]] on how to get IMDB ID --&gt;
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=ratatouille|title=Ratatouille}} &lt;!-- see [[Template:Rotten-tomatoes]] on how to get RT ID --&gt;
* The official [http://disney.go.com/disneypictures/ratatouille/ Ratatouille] site

[[Category:2007 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]                    [[te:రాటటౌల్లె (2007 సినిమా)]]
[[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:Jan Pinkava films]]
[[Category:Food and drink]]
[[Category:Films directed by Brad Bird]]</text>
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    <title>Juliana Hatfield</title>
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        <id>71</id>
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      <text bytes="7189" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Juliana Hatfield.png|thumb|I've been [[sleeping]] through my [[life]] &lt;br /&gt; [[Now]] I'm waking up &lt;br /&gt; And I want to stand in the [[sunshine]] ]]
[[File:Juliana Hatfield.jpg|thumb|A [[heart]] that hurts, is a heart, a heart that [[works]].]]
'''[[w:Juliana Hatfield|Juliana Hatfield]]''' (born [[27 July]] [[1967]]) is an American musician and singer-songwriter from the Boston area, formerly of the indie rock bands [[w:Blake Babies|Blake Babies]], The Juliana Hatfield Three, [[w:Some Girls (band)|Some Girls]], and [[w:The Lemonheads|The Lemonheads]].

== Quotes ==
* '''I never really cared about achieving commercial success.''' As soon as I was signed to a record company, I felt like I made it because I was able to quit my day job. To me, success was just not having to have a boss and not having a day job. So I’ve been living my own version of success since the early ’90s when I first got signed and I haven’t had a job since then. I’m pretty happy about that. When I did have a little bit of commercial success, it really didn’t suit my temperament at all. I’m a terrible public person. I’m happier where I am now.
** [http://www.magnetmagazine.com/interviews/hatfield.html Interview by Matt Ryan for ''MAGNET'' magazine]

* A lot of so-called Christian souls are not fine. People need to look inside themselves and look at the lives they’re leading and fix themselves before they try to fix other people.
** Interview by Matt Ryan for ''MAGNET'' magazine

* The most rabidly religious people are the most rabidly evil.
** Interview by Matt Ryan for ''MAGNET'' magazine

=== ''[[w:Become What You Are|Become What You Are]]'' (1993) ===
* '''I am only human, I am weak. &lt;br /&gt; I want his power inside of me. &lt;br /&gt; And I'm not talking about a piece of meat. &lt;br /&gt; I'm saying something really deep.'''
** &quot;President Garfield&quot;

*&lt;p&gt;I'm a goddess in your eyes, and I will never die. &lt;br /&gt; I was born of people's needs, and what they don't wanna believe. &lt;br /&gt; But I am a liar, that's the truth, go home and think it through. &lt;br /&gt; '''That's the harm in mystery, all you know is what you see.'''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''I got no idols.'''&lt;/p&gt;
** &quot;I Got No Idols&quot;

=== ''[[w:Only Everything|Only Everything]]'' (1995) ===

*  What a life, you wear it like propriety &lt;br /&gt; What a life, you do it like you really mean it &lt;br /&gt; What a life, I watch it like a scary movie &lt;br /&gt; What a life, what a life, what a life.
** &quot;What A Life&quot; · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zw3vqrBKtf8 official video] 

*&lt;p&gt;Beauty can be sad. You're proof of that. &lt;br /&gt; When the damage is done, you're damaged goods. &lt;br /&gt; That's not to say it's not okay. &lt;br /&gt; I wouldn't have it any other way.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''A heart, a heart that hurts, is a heart, a heart that works.'''&lt;/p&gt;
** &quot;Universal Heart-Beat&quot; · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LMx8FVUgxIM official video]

* Reach inside carefully. &lt;br /&gt; Feel my psyche. &lt;br /&gt; Make it last. &lt;br /&gt; Put this moment under glass.
** &quot;Bottles and Flowers&quot;

* '''Love is everywhere I'm not allowed.''' &lt;br /&gt; I feel he's been to hell, but he's near to heaven now. &lt;br /&gt; I need to see it. I can't not have it, so inscrutable, so beautiful.
** &quot;Hang Down From Heaven&quot;

=== ''[[w:Bed (album)|Bed]]'' (1998) ===
* &lt;/p&gt;This can't be real &lt;br /&gt; I've never seen so much &lt;br /&gt; This must be a joke.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;I don't know how to feel &lt;br /&gt; I haven't earned it yet &lt;br /&gt; Everything fades so fast.&lt;/p&gt;
** &quot;Let's Blow It All&quot;

=== ''[[w:Juliana's Pony: Total System Failure|Juliana's Pony: Total System Failure]]'' (2000) ===
* Okay I gotta go &lt;br /&gt; Maybe I don't want to know &lt;br /&gt; There's too much truth in this room.
** &quot;Total System Failure&quot;

* How do you get up in the morning? &lt;br /&gt; Another wasted life it's so boring &lt;br /&gt; The system never failed you &lt;br /&gt; You failed yourself and all of your friends &lt;br /&gt; Now your heart is failing too &lt;br /&gt; A total system failure they pronounce you
** &quot;Total System Failure&quot;

* &lt;p&gt;I showed you how to touch a star &lt;br /&gt; I helped you forget who you are &lt;br /&gt; Baby, you can drive my car &lt;br /&gt; Over to the right side of the tracks&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''You pushed your greatest chance away &lt;br /&gt; But still I really want to say'''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''I forgive you.'''&lt;/p&gt;
** &quot;Noblesse Oblige&quot;

=== ''[[w:Beautiful Creature|Beautiful Creature]]'' (2000)===
* &lt;p&gt;I never needed this &lt;br /&gt; I never needed anyone &lt;br /&gt; I meant every word that I said &lt;br /&gt; It's true &lt;br /&gt; I wasn't talking to you&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt; And I'm sorry that I must go so soon &lt;br /&gt; '''Please forgive me for finding something real and pure and true'''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''Somebody is waiting for me'''&lt;/p&gt;
** &quot;Somebody Is Waiting For Me&quot;

=== ''[[w:In Exile Deo|In Exile Deo]]'' (2004) ===
* '''I've been sleeping through my life &lt;br /&gt; Now I'm waking up &lt;br /&gt; And I want to stand in the sunshine ''' &lt;br /&gt; I have never been ecstatic &lt;br /&gt; Had a flower but it never bloomed &lt;br /&gt; In the darkness of my wasted youth &lt;br /&gt; It was hiding in the shadows &lt;br /&gt; Learning to become invisible &lt;br /&gt; Uncover me
** Sunshine 

*&lt;p&gt;'''Impossible to love &lt;br /&gt; Is all that I know how to be''' &lt;br /&gt; But in my heart &lt;br /&gt; I keep repeating &lt;br /&gt; You didn't mean to hate me&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;I still love my enemy.&lt;/p&gt;
** &quot;My Enemy&quot;

=== ''[[w:Made in China (album)|Made in China]]'' (2005) ===
[[File:Collage Auge im Himmel byLöser.jpg|thumb|There's a hole in the [[sky]] &lt;br /&gt; I stood and stared &lt;br /&gt; I [[feel]] it inside what isn't there…]] 

* Can you take it when I break it give it back to the posers who fake it &lt;br /&gt; Suck the milk out of the lilacs we were so innocent you can't go back &lt;br /&gt; What the fuck it's a miracle I’m even here &lt;br /&gt; You're over me but I’m alive so what do i care &lt;br /&gt; Standing in the cement
** &quot;What Do I Care&quot;

* &lt;p&gt;'''There's a hole in the sky &lt;br /&gt; I stood and stared &lt;br /&gt; I feel it inside what isn't there''' &lt;br /&gt; The children are lost we can't find them anywhere&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt; Hole in the sky &lt;br /&gt; I'm crying still crying for you.&lt;/p&gt;
** &quot;Hole in the Sky&quot;

* Hole in the sky &lt;br /&gt; I'm coming I’m coming with you.
** &quot;Hole in the Sky&quot;

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}} 
*[http://www.julianahatfield.com/ Juliana Hatfield official site]
*[http://www.alwaysontherun.net/juliana.htm Discography and Lyrics]
*[http://www.some-girls.com/ Some Girls official site]
*[http://www.blakebabies.com/ Blake Babies official site]
*[http://www.magnetmagazine.com/interviews/hatfield.html Interview by Matt Ryan for ''MAGNET'' magazine]
*[http://www.fedge.net/yor/ Unofficial Ye Olde Records Discography]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Hatfield, Juliana}}
[[Category:Alternative rock singers]]
[[Category:Multi-instrumentalists]]
[[Category:Guitarists from the United States]]
[[Category:Bassists]]
[[Category:Keyboardists]]
[[Category:Singer-songwriters from the United States]]
[[Category:Women musicians]]
[[Category:Record producers from the United States]]
[[Category:1967 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Vegetarians]]
[[Category:Autobiographers from the United States]]
[[Category:People from Maine]]
[[Category:People from Boston]]
[[Category:Drummers from the United States]]
[[Category:American women]]
[[Category:Women authors]]</text>
      <sha1>fublq45or0iphgdnlzbirn77e0uoovz</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147875</id>
      <parentid>3147860</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T23:13:08Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Kalki</username>
        <id>71</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>add images</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="7515" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Juliana Hatfield.png|thumb|I've been [[sleeping]] through my [[life]] &lt;br /&gt; [[Now]] I'm waking up &lt;br /&gt; And I want to stand in the [[sunshine]] ]]
[[File:Juliana Hatfield.jpg|thumb|A [[heart]] that hurts, is a heart, a heart that [[works]].]]
'''[[w:Juliana Hatfield|Juliana Hatfield]]''' (born [[27 July]] [[1967]]) is an American musician and singer-songwriter from the Boston area, formerly of the indie rock bands [[w:Blake Babies|Blake Babies]], The Juliana Hatfield Three, [[w:Some Girls (band)|Some Girls]], and [[w:The Lemonheads|The Lemonheads]].

== Quotes ==
* '''I never really cared about achieving commercial success.''' As soon as I was signed to a record company, I felt like I made it because I was able to quit my day job. To me, success was just not having to have a boss and not having a day job. So I’ve been living my own version of success since the early ’90s when I first got signed and I haven’t had a job since then. I’m pretty happy about that. When I did have a little bit of commercial success, it really didn’t suit my temperament at all. I’m a terrible public person. I’m happier where I am now.
** [http://www.magnetmagazine.com/interviews/hatfield.html Interview by Matt Ryan for ''MAGNET'' magazine]

* A lot of so-called Christian souls are not fine. People need to look inside themselves and look at the lives they’re leading and fix themselves before they try to fix other people.
** Interview by Matt Ryan for ''MAGNET'' magazine

* The most rabidly religious people are the most rabidly evil.
** Interview by Matt Ryan for ''MAGNET'' magazine

=== ''[[w:Become What You Are|Become What You Are]]'' (1993) ===
* '''I am only human, I am weak. &lt;br /&gt; I want his power inside of me. &lt;br /&gt; And I'm not talking about a piece of meat. &lt;br /&gt; I'm saying something really deep.'''
** &quot;President Garfield&quot;

*&lt;p&gt;I'm a goddess in your eyes, and I will never die. &lt;br /&gt; I was born of people's needs, and what they don't wanna believe. &lt;br /&gt; But I am a liar, that's the truth, go home and think it through. &lt;br /&gt; '''That's the harm in mystery, all you know is what you see.'''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''I got no idols.'''&lt;/p&gt;
** &quot;I Got No Idols&quot;

=== ''[[w:Only Everything|Only Everything]]'' (1995) ===
[[File:JulHatfieldAcadIsl210519 (49621044443).jpg|thumb|What a [[life]], I watch it like a [[scary]] [[movie]] &lt;br /&gt; What a life, what a life, what a life.]]

*  What a life, you wear it like propriety &lt;br /&gt; What a life, you do it like you really mean it &lt;br /&gt; What a life, I watch it like a scary movie &lt;br /&gt; What a life, what a life, what a life.
** &quot;What A Life&quot; · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zw3vqrBKtf8 official video] 

*&lt;p&gt;Beauty can be sad. You're proof of that. &lt;br /&gt; When the damage is done, you're damaged goods. &lt;br /&gt; That's not to say it's not okay. &lt;br /&gt; I wouldn't have it any other way.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''A heart, a heart that hurts, is a heart, a heart that works.'''&lt;/p&gt;
** &quot;Universal Heart-Beat&quot; · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LMx8FVUgxIM official video]

* Reach inside carefully. &lt;br /&gt; Feel my psyche. &lt;br /&gt; Make it last. &lt;br /&gt; Put this moment under glass.
** &quot;Bottles and Flowers&quot;

* '''Love is everywhere I'm not allowed.''' &lt;br /&gt; I feel he's been to hell, but he's near to heaven now. &lt;br /&gt; I need to see it. I can't not have it, so inscrutable, so beautiful.
** &quot;Hang Down From Heaven&quot;

=== ''[[w:Bed (album)|Bed]]'' (1998) ===
* &lt;/p&gt;This can't be real &lt;br /&gt; I've never seen so much &lt;br /&gt; This must be a joke.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;I don't know how to feel &lt;br /&gt; I haven't earned it yet &lt;br /&gt; Everything fades so fast.&lt;/p&gt;
** &quot;Let's Blow It All&quot;

=== ''[[w:Juliana's Pony: Total System Failure|Juliana's Pony: Total System Failure]]'' (2000) ===
* Okay I gotta go &lt;br /&gt; Maybe I don't want to know &lt;br /&gt; There's too much truth in this room.
** &quot;Total System Failure&quot;

* How do you get up in the morning? &lt;br /&gt; Another wasted life it's so boring &lt;br /&gt; The system never failed you &lt;br /&gt; You failed yourself and all of your friends &lt;br /&gt; Now your heart is failing too &lt;br /&gt; A total system failure they pronounce you
** &quot;Total System Failure&quot;

* &lt;p&gt;I showed you how to touch a star &lt;br /&gt; I helped you forget who you are &lt;br /&gt; Baby, you can drive my car &lt;br /&gt; Over to the right side of the tracks&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''You pushed your greatest chance away &lt;br /&gt; But still I really want to say'''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''I forgive you.'''&lt;/p&gt;
** &quot;Noblesse Oblige&quot;

=== ''[[w:Beautiful Creature|Beautiful Creature]]'' (2000)===
* &lt;p&gt;I never needed this &lt;br /&gt; I never needed anyone &lt;br /&gt; I meant every word that I said &lt;br /&gt; It's true &lt;br /&gt; I wasn't talking to you&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt; And I'm sorry that I must go so soon &lt;br /&gt; '''Please forgive me for finding something real and pure and true'''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''Somebody is waiting for me'''&lt;/p&gt;
** &quot;Somebody Is Waiting For Me&quot;

=== ''[[w:In Exile Deo|In Exile Deo]]'' (2004) ===
[[File:Juliana Hatfield 2019 (cropped).jpg|thumb|I've been [[sleeping]] through my [[life]] &lt;br /&gt; Now I'm [[waking]] up &lt;br /&gt; And I want to stand in the sunshine.]]
* '''I've been sleeping through my life &lt;br /&gt; Now I'm waking up &lt;br /&gt; And I want to stand in the sunshine ''' &lt;br /&gt; I have never been ecstatic &lt;br /&gt; Had a flower but it never bloomed &lt;br /&gt; In the darkness of my wasted youth &lt;br /&gt; It was hiding in the shadows &lt;br /&gt; Learning to become invisible &lt;br /&gt; Uncover me
** Sunshine 

*&lt;p&gt;'''Impossible to love &lt;br /&gt; Is all that I know how to be''' &lt;br /&gt; But in my heart &lt;br /&gt; I keep repeating &lt;br /&gt; You didn't mean to hate me&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;I still love my enemy.&lt;/p&gt;
** &quot;My Enemy&quot;

=== ''[[w:Made in China (album)|Made in China]]'' (2005) ===
[[File:Collage Auge im Himmel byLöser.jpg|thumb|There's a hole in the [[sky]] &lt;br /&gt; I stood and stared &lt;br /&gt; I [[feel]] it inside what isn't there…]] 

* Can you take it when I break it give it back to the posers who fake it &lt;br /&gt; Suck the milk out of the lilacs we were so innocent you can't go back &lt;br /&gt; What the fuck it's a miracle I’m even here &lt;br /&gt; You're over me but I’m alive so what do i care &lt;br /&gt; Standing in the cement
** &quot;What Do I Care&quot;

* &lt;p&gt;'''There's a hole in the sky &lt;br /&gt; I stood and stared &lt;br /&gt; I feel it inside what isn't there''' &lt;br /&gt; The children are lost we can't find them anywhere&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt; Hole in the sky &lt;br /&gt; I'm crying still crying for you.&lt;/p&gt;
** &quot;Hole in the Sky&quot;

* Hole in the sky &lt;br /&gt; I'm coming I’m coming with you.
** &quot;Hole in the Sky&quot;

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}} 
*[http://www.julianahatfield.com/ Juliana Hatfield official site]
*[http://www.alwaysontherun.net/juliana.htm Discography and Lyrics]
*[http://www.some-girls.com/ Some Girls official site]
*[http://www.blakebabies.com/ Blake Babies official site]
*[http://www.magnetmagazine.com/interviews/hatfield.html Interview by Matt Ryan for ''MAGNET'' magazine]
*[http://www.fedge.net/yor/ Unofficial Ye Olde Records Discography]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Hatfield, Juliana}}
[[Category:Alternative rock singers]]
[[Category:Multi-instrumentalists]]
[[Category:Guitarists from the United States]]
[[Category:Bassists]]
[[Category:Keyboardists]]
[[Category:Singer-songwriters from the United States]]
[[Category:Women musicians]]
[[Category:Record producers from the United States]]
[[Category:1967 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Vegetarians]]
[[Category:Autobiographers from the United States]]
[[Category:People from Maine]]
[[Category:People from Boston]]
[[Category:Drummers from the United States]]
[[Category:American women]]
[[Category:Women authors]]</text>
      <sha1>dyq6bzlmwm4jocq3ww54a0p82uut2w3</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147880</id>
      <parentid>3147875</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T23:17:19Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Kalki</username>
        <id>71</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>move images, change a repeated caption</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="7392" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Juliana Hatfield 2019 (cropped).jpg|thumb|I've been [[sleeping]] through my [[life]] &lt;br /&gt; [[Now]] I'm waking up &lt;br /&gt; And I want to stand in the [[sunshine]] ]]
'''[[w:Juliana Hatfield|Juliana Hatfield]]''' (born [[27 July]] [[1967]]) is an American musician and singer-songwriter from the Boston area, formerly of the indie rock bands [[w:Blake Babies|Blake Babies]], The Juliana Hatfield Three, [[w:Some Girls (band)|Some Girls]], and [[w:The Lemonheads|The Lemonheads]].

== Quotes ==
[[File:Juliana Hatfield.png|thumb|That's the harm in [[mystery]], all you know is what you see. &lt;br /&gt; I got no [[idols]].]]
* '''I never really cared about achieving commercial success.''' As soon as I was signed to a record company, I felt like I made it because I was able to quit my day job. To me, success was just not having to have a boss and not having a day job. So I’ve been living my own version of success since the early ’90s when I first got signed and I haven’t had a job since then. I’m pretty happy about that. When I did have a little bit of commercial success, it really didn’t suit my temperament at all. I’m a terrible public person. I’m happier where I am now.
** [http://www.magnetmagazine.com/interviews/hatfield.html Interview by Matt Ryan for ''MAGNET'' magazine]

* A lot of so-called Christian souls are not fine. People need to look inside themselves and look at the lives they’re leading and fix themselves before they try to fix other people.
** Interview by Matt Ryan for ''MAGNET'' magazine

* The most rabidly religious people are the most rabidly evil.
** Interview by Matt Ryan for ''MAGNET'' magazine

=== ''[[w:Become What You Are|Become What You Are]]'' (1993) ===
* '''I am only human, I am weak. &lt;br /&gt; I want his power inside of me. &lt;br /&gt; And I'm not talking about a piece of meat. &lt;br /&gt; I'm saying something really deep.'''
** &quot;President Garfield&quot;

*&lt;p&gt;I'm a goddess in your eyes, and I will never die. &lt;br /&gt; I was born of people's needs, and what they don't wanna believe. &lt;br /&gt; But I am a liar, that's the truth, go home and think it through. &lt;br /&gt; '''That's the harm in mystery, all you know is what you see.'''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''I got no idols.'''&lt;/p&gt;
** &quot;I Got No Idols&quot;

=== ''[[w:Only Everything|Only Everything]]'' (1995) ===
[[File:JulHatfieldAcadIsl210519 (49621044443).jpg|thumb|What a [[life]], I watch it like a [[scary]] [[movie]] &lt;br /&gt; What a life, what a life, what a life.]]

*  What a life, you wear it like propriety &lt;br /&gt; What a life, you do it like you really mean it &lt;br /&gt; What a life, I watch it like a scary movie &lt;br /&gt; What a life, what a life, what a life.
** &quot;What A Life&quot; · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zw3vqrBKtf8 official video] 

*&lt;p&gt;Beauty can be sad. You're proof of that. &lt;br /&gt; When the damage is done, you're damaged goods. &lt;br /&gt; That's not to say it's not okay. &lt;br /&gt; I wouldn't have it any other way.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''A heart, a heart that hurts, is a heart, a heart that works.'''&lt;/p&gt;
** &quot;Universal Heart-Beat&quot; · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LMx8FVUgxIM official video]

* Reach inside carefully. &lt;br /&gt; Feel my psyche. &lt;br /&gt; Make it last. &lt;br /&gt; Put this moment under glass.
** &quot;Bottles and Flowers&quot;

* '''Love is everywhere I'm not allowed.''' &lt;br /&gt; I feel he's been to hell, but he's near to heaven now. &lt;br /&gt; I need to see it. I can't not have it, so inscrutable, so beautiful.
** &quot;Hang Down From Heaven&quot;

=== ''[[w:Bed (album)|Bed]]'' (1998) ===
* &lt;/p&gt;This can't be real &lt;br /&gt; I've never seen so much &lt;br /&gt; This must be a joke.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;I don't know how to feel &lt;br /&gt; I haven't earned it yet &lt;br /&gt; Everything fades so fast.&lt;/p&gt;
** &quot;Let's Blow It All&quot;

=== ''[[w:Juliana's Pony: Total System Failure|Juliana's Pony: Total System Failure]]'' (2000) ===
* Okay I gotta go &lt;br /&gt; Maybe I don't want to know &lt;br /&gt; There's too much truth in this room.
** &quot;Total System Failure&quot;

* How do you get up in the morning? &lt;br /&gt; Another wasted life it's so boring &lt;br /&gt; The system never failed you &lt;br /&gt; You failed yourself and all of your friends &lt;br /&gt; Now your heart is failing too &lt;br /&gt; A total system failure they pronounce you
** &quot;Total System Failure&quot;

* &lt;p&gt;I showed you how to touch a star &lt;br /&gt; I helped you forget who you are &lt;br /&gt; Baby, you can drive my car &lt;br /&gt; Over to the right side of the tracks&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''You pushed your greatest chance away &lt;br /&gt; But still I really want to say'''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''I forgive you.'''&lt;/p&gt;
** &quot;Noblesse Oblige&quot;

=== ''[[w:Beautiful Creature|Beautiful Creature]]'' (2000)===
* &lt;p&gt;I never needed this &lt;br /&gt; I never needed anyone &lt;br /&gt; I meant every word that I said &lt;br /&gt; It's true &lt;br /&gt; I wasn't talking to you&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt; And I'm sorry that I must go so soon &lt;br /&gt; '''Please forgive me for finding something real and pure and true'''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''Somebody is waiting for me'''&lt;/p&gt;
** &quot;Somebody Is Waiting For Me&quot;

=== ''[[w:In Exile Deo|In Exile Deo]]'' (2004) ===
* '''I've been sleeping through my life &lt;br /&gt; Now I'm waking up &lt;br /&gt; And I want to stand in the sunshine ''' &lt;br /&gt; I have never been ecstatic &lt;br /&gt; Had a flower but it never bloomed &lt;br /&gt; In the darkness of my wasted youth &lt;br /&gt; It was hiding in the shadows &lt;br /&gt; Learning to become invisible &lt;br /&gt; Uncover me
** Sunshine 

*&lt;p&gt;'''Impossible to love &lt;br /&gt; Is all that I know how to be''' &lt;br /&gt; But in my heart &lt;br /&gt; I keep repeating &lt;br /&gt; You didn't mean to hate me&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;I still love my enemy.&lt;/p&gt;
** &quot;My Enemy&quot;

=== ''[[w:Made in China (album)|Made in China]]'' (2005) ===
[[File:Collage Auge im Himmel byLöser.jpg|thumb|There's a hole in the [[sky]] &lt;br /&gt; I stood and stared &lt;br /&gt; I [[feel]] it inside what isn't there…]] 

* Can you take it when I break it give it back to the posers who fake it &lt;br /&gt; Suck the milk out of the lilacs we were so innocent you can't go back &lt;br /&gt; What the fuck it's a miracle I’m even here &lt;br /&gt; You're over me but I’m alive so what do i care &lt;br /&gt; Standing in the cement
** &quot;What Do I Care&quot;

* &lt;p&gt;'''There's a hole in the sky &lt;br /&gt; I stood and stared &lt;br /&gt; I feel it inside what isn't there''' &lt;br /&gt; The children are lost we can't find them anywhere&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt; Hole in the sky &lt;br /&gt; I'm crying still crying for you.&lt;/p&gt;
** &quot;Hole in the Sky&quot;

* Hole in the sky &lt;br /&gt; I'm coming I’m coming with you.
** &quot;Hole in the Sky&quot;

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}} 
*[http://www.julianahatfield.com/ Juliana Hatfield official site]
*[http://www.alwaysontherun.net/juliana.htm Discography and Lyrics]
*[http://www.some-girls.com/ Some Girls official site]
*[http://www.blakebabies.com/ Blake Babies official site]
*[http://www.magnetmagazine.com/interviews/hatfield.html Interview by Matt Ryan for ''MAGNET'' magazine]
*[http://www.fedge.net/yor/ Unofficial Ye Olde Records Discography]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Hatfield, Juliana}}
[[Category:Alternative rock singers]]
[[Category:Multi-instrumentalists]]
[[Category:Guitarists from the United States]]
[[Category:Bassists]]
[[Category:Keyboardists]]
[[Category:Singer-songwriters from the United States]]
[[Category:Women musicians]]
[[Category:Record producers from the United States]]
[[Category:1967 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Vegetarians]]
[[Category:Autobiographers from the United States]]
[[Category:People from Maine]]
[[Category:People from Boston]]
[[Category:Drummers from the United States]]
[[Category:American women]]
[[Category:Women authors]]</text>
      <sha1>4xu8994n2ihgv4gfejx9in5iupq9fna</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147888</id>
      <parentid>3147880</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T23:21:17Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Kalki</username>
        <id>71</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Juliana's Pony: Total System Failure (2000) */ add image</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="7576" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Juliana Hatfield 2019 (cropped).jpg|thumb|I've been [[sleeping]] through my [[life]] &lt;br /&gt; [[Now]] I'm waking up &lt;br /&gt; And I want to stand in the [[sunshine]] ]]
'''[[w:Juliana Hatfield|Juliana Hatfield]]''' (born [[27 July]] [[1967]]) is an American musician and singer-songwriter from the Boston area, formerly of the indie rock bands [[w:Blake Babies|Blake Babies]], The Juliana Hatfield Three, [[w:Some Girls (band)|Some Girls]], and [[w:The Lemonheads|The Lemonheads]].

== Quotes ==
[[File:Juliana Hatfield.png|thumb|That's the harm in [[mystery]], all you know is what you see. &lt;br /&gt; I got no [[idols]].]]
* '''I never really cared about achieving commercial success.''' As soon as I was signed to a record company, I felt like I made it because I was able to quit my day job. To me, success was just not having to have a boss and not having a day job. So I’ve been living my own version of success since the early ’90s when I first got signed and I haven’t had a job since then. I’m pretty happy about that. When I did have a little bit of commercial success, it really didn’t suit my temperament at all. I’m a terrible public person. I’m happier where I am now.
** [http://www.magnetmagazine.com/interviews/hatfield.html Interview by Matt Ryan for ''MAGNET'' magazine]

* A lot of so-called Christian souls are not fine. People need to look inside themselves and look at the lives they’re leading and fix themselves before they try to fix other people.
** Interview by Matt Ryan for ''MAGNET'' magazine

* The most rabidly religious people are the most rabidly evil.
** Interview by Matt Ryan for ''MAGNET'' magazine

=== ''[[w:Become What You Are|Become What You Are]]'' (1993) ===
* '''I am only human, I am weak. &lt;br /&gt; I want his power inside of me. &lt;br /&gt; And I'm not talking about a piece of meat. &lt;br /&gt; I'm saying something really deep.'''
** &quot;President Garfield&quot;

*&lt;p&gt;I'm a goddess in your eyes, and I will never die. &lt;br /&gt; I was born of people's needs, and what they don't wanna believe. &lt;br /&gt; But I am a liar, that's the truth, go home and think it through. &lt;br /&gt; '''That's the harm in mystery, all you know is what you see.'''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''I got no idols.'''&lt;/p&gt;
** &quot;I Got No Idols&quot;

=== ''[[w:Only Everything|Only Everything]]'' (1995) ===
[[File:JulHatfieldAcadIsl210519 (49621044443).jpg|thumb|What a [[life]], I watch it like a [[scary]] [[movie]] &lt;br /&gt; What a life, what a life, what a life.]]

*  What a life, you wear it like propriety &lt;br /&gt; What a life, you do it like you really mean it &lt;br /&gt; What a life, I watch it like a scary movie &lt;br /&gt; What a life, what a life, what a life.
** &quot;What A Life&quot; · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zw3vqrBKtf8 official video] 

*&lt;p&gt;Beauty can be sad. You're proof of that. &lt;br /&gt; When the damage is done, you're damaged goods. &lt;br /&gt; That's not to say it's not okay. &lt;br /&gt; I wouldn't have it any other way.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''A heart, a heart that hurts, is a heart, a heart that works.'''&lt;/p&gt;
** &quot;Universal Heart-Beat&quot; · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LMx8FVUgxIM official video]

* Reach inside carefully. &lt;br /&gt; Feel my psyche. &lt;br /&gt; Make it last. &lt;br /&gt; Put this moment under glass.
** &quot;Bottles and Flowers&quot;

* '''Love is everywhere I'm not allowed.''' &lt;br /&gt; I feel he's been to hell, but he's near to heaven now. &lt;br /&gt; I need to see it. I can't not have it, so inscrutable, so beautiful.
** &quot;Hang Down From Heaven&quot;

=== ''[[w:Bed (album)|Bed]]'' (1998) ===
* &lt;/p&gt;This can't be real &lt;br /&gt; I've never seen so much &lt;br /&gt; This must be a joke.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;I don't know how to feel &lt;br /&gt; I haven't earned it yet &lt;br /&gt; Everything fades so fast.&lt;/p&gt;
** &quot;Let's Blow It All&quot;

=== ''[[w:Juliana's Pony: Total System Failure|Juliana's Pony: Total System Failure]]'' (2000) ===
[[File:Juliana Hatfield at Double Door, December 2, 2008 (3084913225).jpg|thumb|You pushed your greatest chance away &lt;br /&gt; But still I really want to say &lt;br /&gt; I [[forgive]] you.]]

* Okay I gotta go &lt;br /&gt; Maybe I don't want to know &lt;br /&gt; There's too much truth in this room.
** &quot;Total System Failure&quot;

* How do you get up in the morning? &lt;br /&gt; Another wasted life it's so boring &lt;br /&gt; The system never failed you &lt;br /&gt; You failed yourself and all of your friends &lt;br /&gt; Now your heart is failing too &lt;br /&gt; A total system failure they pronounce you
** &quot;Total System Failure&quot;

* &lt;p&gt;I showed you how to touch a star &lt;br /&gt; I helped you forget who you are &lt;br /&gt; Baby, you can drive my car &lt;br /&gt; Over to the right side of the tracks&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''You pushed your greatest chance away &lt;br /&gt; But still I really want to say'''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''I forgive you.'''&lt;/p&gt;
** &quot;Noblesse Oblige&quot;

=== ''[[w:Beautiful Creature|Beautiful Creature]]'' (2000)===
* &lt;p&gt;I never needed this &lt;br /&gt; I never needed anyone &lt;br /&gt; I meant every word that I said &lt;br /&gt; It's true &lt;br /&gt; I wasn't talking to you&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt; And I'm sorry that I must go so soon &lt;br /&gt; '''Please forgive me for finding something real and pure and true'''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''Somebody is waiting for me'''&lt;/p&gt;
** &quot;Somebody Is Waiting For Me&quot;

=== ''[[w:In Exile Deo|In Exile Deo]]'' (2004) ===
* '''I've been sleeping through my life &lt;br /&gt; Now I'm waking up &lt;br /&gt; And I want to stand in the sunshine ''' &lt;br /&gt; I have never been ecstatic &lt;br /&gt; Had a flower but it never bloomed &lt;br /&gt; In the darkness of my wasted youth &lt;br /&gt; It was hiding in the shadows &lt;br /&gt; Learning to become invisible &lt;br /&gt; Uncover me
** Sunshine 

*&lt;p&gt;'''Impossible to love &lt;br /&gt; Is all that I know how to be''' &lt;br /&gt; But in my heart &lt;br /&gt; I keep repeating &lt;br /&gt; You didn't mean to hate me&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;I still love my enemy.&lt;/p&gt;
** &quot;My Enemy&quot;

=== ''[[w:Made in China (album)|Made in China]]'' (2005) ===
[[File:Collage Auge im Himmel byLöser.jpg|thumb|There's a hole in the [[sky]] &lt;br /&gt; I stood and stared &lt;br /&gt; I [[feel]] it inside what isn't there…]] 

* Can you take it when I break it give it back to the posers who fake it &lt;br /&gt; Suck the milk out of the lilacs we were so innocent you can't go back &lt;br /&gt; What the fuck it's a miracle I’m even here &lt;br /&gt; You're over me but I’m alive so what do i care &lt;br /&gt; Standing in the cement
** &quot;What Do I Care&quot;

* &lt;p&gt;'''There's a hole in the sky &lt;br /&gt; I stood and stared &lt;br /&gt; I feel it inside what isn't there''' &lt;br /&gt; The children are lost we can't find them anywhere&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt; Hole in the sky &lt;br /&gt; I'm crying still crying for you.&lt;/p&gt;
** &quot;Hole in the Sky&quot;

* Hole in the sky &lt;br /&gt; I'm coming I’m coming with you.
** &quot;Hole in the Sky&quot;

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}} 
*[http://www.julianahatfield.com/ Juliana Hatfield official site]
*[http://www.alwaysontherun.net/juliana.htm Discography and Lyrics]
*[http://www.some-girls.com/ Some Girls official site]
*[http://www.blakebabies.com/ Blake Babies official site]
*[http://www.magnetmagazine.com/interviews/hatfield.html Interview by Matt Ryan for ''MAGNET'' magazine]
*[http://www.fedge.net/yor/ Unofficial Ye Olde Records Discography]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Hatfield, Juliana}}
[[Category:Alternative rock singers]]
[[Category:Multi-instrumentalists]]
[[Category:Guitarists from the United States]]
[[Category:Bassists]]
[[Category:Keyboardists]]
[[Category:Singer-songwriters from the United States]]
[[Category:Women musicians]]
[[Category:Record producers from the United States]]
[[Category:1967 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Vegetarians]]
[[Category:Autobiographers from the United States]]
[[Category:People from Maine]]
[[Category:People from Boston]]
[[Category:Drummers from the United States]]
[[Category:American women]]
[[Category:Women authors]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Babe (film)</title>
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      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1009:B04B:797:0:54:9621:CA01</ip>
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      <text bytes="11517" xml:space="preserve">{{otheruses|Babe}}
{{italic title}}'''''[[w:Babe (film)|Babe]]''''' is a [[w:1995 in film|1995]] Australian-British-American film about a [[w:Large White pig|Large White]] who wants to be a [[w:herding dog|sheepdog]].&amp;nbsp; It is directed by [[w:Chris Noonan|Chris Noonan]], based on the book ''[[w:The Sheep-Pig|The Sheep-Pig]]'' by [[Dick King-Smith]], and written by [[w:George Miller (producer)|George Miller]] and Chris Noonan.''
{{center|'''A little pig goes a long way.''' ([[#Taglines|taglines]])}}

==Narrator==
* This is a tale about an unprejudiced heart, and how it changed our valley forever.&amp;nbsp; There was a time not so long ago when [[w:domestic pigs|pig]]s were afforded no respect, except by other pigs.&amp;nbsp; They lived their whole lives in a cruel and sunless world.&amp;nbsp; In those days, pigs believed that the sooner they grew large and fat, the sooner they would have to be taken to Pig Paradise—a place so wonderful that no pig had ever thought to come back.
* There are many perfectly nice cats in the world, but every barrel has its bad apples, and so it is well for everyone to pay attention to the old adage:&amp;nbsp; &quot;Beware of the bad cat holding a grudge.&quot;
*[''as the crowd cheers for Babe's remarkable performance at the sheepdog trials'']&amp;nbsp; And so it was that in all the celebration, in all the hubbub of noise and excitement, there were two figures who stood silent and still.&amp;nbsp; Side by side.

==Farmer Arthur H. Hoggett==
*''If I had words to make a day for you&lt;br&gt; I'd sing you a morning golden and true&lt;br&gt; I would make this day last for all time&lt;br&gt;Then fill the night deep in moonshine''
*[''repeated line'']&amp;nbsp; &quot;That'll do, pig. That'll do&quot;.

==Ferdinand the Duck==
* Christmas dinner, yeah.&amp;nbsp; Dinner means death.&amp;nbsp; Death means carnage!&amp;nbsp; ''Christmas means carnage!&amp;nbsp; Christmas means carnage!''
* The fear's too much for a duck.&amp;nbsp; It—it eats away at the soul!&amp;nbsp; There must be kinder dispositions in far-off, gentler lands.
* [''laughs in joy''] The pig did it!&amp;nbsp; The pig did it!&amp;nbsp; The perfect score!

==Fly the Border Collie==
* The Bosses only eat stupid animals like sheep and ducks and chickens.
* ''[to Babe]'' It's only your first try. But you're treating them like equals. They're sheep; they're inferior.

==Others==
*'''Maa''': ''[about Babe]'' You see, ladies? A heart of gold.
*'''Sheep's password''': Baa-ram-ewe. Baa-ram-ewe. To your breed, your fleece, your clan be true. Sheep be true. Baa-ram-ewe.
*'''Sheep''': ''[to Babe]'' Well, I wouldn't call that a bite myself. You got teeth in that floppy mouth of yours or just gums?

==Dialogue==
:'''Puppy''': It does look stupid, Mom.
:'''Fly the Border Collie''': Not as stupid as sheep, mind you, but pigs are definitely stupid.
:'''Babe''': [''clears throat''] Excuse me. No, we're not.
:'''Fly''': Good heavens! Who are you?
:'''Babe''': I'm a Large White.
:'''Fly''': Yes, that's your breed, dear. What's your name?
:'''Babe''': I don't know.
:'''Fly''': Well, what did your mother call you to tell you apart from your brothers and sisters?
:'''Babe''': Our Mom called us all the same.
:'''Fly''': And what was that, dear?
:'''Babe''': She called us all &quot;''Babe''.&quot;
:'''Horse''': ''[neighs]'' Perhaps we shouldn't talk too much about, uh, family. ''[whinnies]''
:'''Babe''': ''[sobbing]'' I want my Mom. ''[crying]''
:'''Fly''': ''[stares at Babe, then goes up to him]'' There, there...you've got to be a brave boy, now. I left my mother when I was your age, and my puppies will have to leave me soon. But I'll keep the eyes on you, if you like, just till you find your feet. ''[Rex shows up, sees Babe]'' The little pig's a bit low. He's going to sleep with us, just till he finds his feet.
:'''Rex''': ''[whimpers]'' Until he finds his feet. ''[leaves]''
:'''Puppy''': But, Mom, he'll wet the bed?
:'''Fly''': Shh, listen. ''[to Babe]'' If you do want to do anything, you'll go outside, won't you? Good boy.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ferdinand''': Humans eat ''ducks''!
:'''Babe''': ''[gasping]'' I beg your pardon?
:'''Ferdinand''': Ah, most ducks prefer to forget it, but the fact is that humans like to eat ''plump, attractive ducks''.
:'''Babe''': Ohhh, I don't think so. Not the Boss; not the Boss's wife.
:'''Ferdinand''': Oh, come on. Humans don't eat cats—why?
:'''Babe''': Well, they're...
:'''Ferdinand''': They're indispensable—they catch mice. Humans don't eat roosters—why? They make eggs with the chickens and the hens and wake everyone up in the morning.
:'''Babe''': Right...
:'''Ferdinand''': I tried it with the hens; it didn't work. So I turned to crowing, and lo! I discover my gift! But no sooner do I become indispensable than they bring in a machine to do the job! Ohhhh-oh-oh, the treachery of it!—''a mechanical rooster!''
:'''Babe''': Oh dear me…
:'''Ferdinand''': Oh, dear ''you''?! ''[sighs/quacks]'' I suppose the life of an anorexic duck doesn't amount to much in the broad scheme of things. But, Pig, I'm all I've got!
:'''Babe''': Why do you want me to do it?
:'''Ferdinand''': ''[sighs/quacks]'' Because...I'm allergic to cats.
:'''Babe''': Oh.
:'''Ferdinand''': They make me sneeze.
:'''Babe''': Oh. Don't worry, I won't wake up the cat.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Fly''': Rex? I know it was hard for you today, watching all that happening. But surely it's not worth all this misery. Please, dear. Not on such a beautiful night.
:'''Rex''': You...put these ideas into his head, ''two-faced'' '''''traitorous''''' '''''&lt;u&gt;WRETCH!&lt;/u&gt;'''''
:''[Rex attacks Fly as Farmer Hoggett notices and goes outside to stop the fighting]''
:'''Farmer Hoggett''': Get down! Down, Rex! ''[as Rex angrily bits Farmer Hoggett's hand]'' Rex...
:''[Rex stops fighting as he realizes what he had done horribly wrong]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Duchess the Cat''': Oh, do forgive me for scratching you, dear. I got a bit carried away. It's a cat thing.
:'''Babe''': Oh, well, but...
:'''Duchess''': Feeling good about tomorrow, are you?
:'''Babe''': Mm-hmm. It should be all right, I think.
:'''Duchess''': You know, I probably shouldn't say this, but I'm not sure if you realize how much the other animals are laughing at you for this sheepdog business.
:'''Babe''': Why would they do that?
:'''Duchess''': Well, they say you've forgotten that you're a pig. Isn't that silly? They say you don't even know what pigs are for.
:'''Babe''': What do you mean?
:'''Duchess''': You know, why pigs are here.
:'''Babe''': Why are any of us here?
:'''Duchess''': Well, the cows are here to be milked. The dogs are here to help the Boss's husband with the sheep. I am here to be beautiful and affectionate to the Boss.
:'''Babe''': Yes?
:'''Duchess''': ''[sighs softly]'' The fact is that pigs don't have a purpose. Just like…ducks don't have a purpose.
:'''Babe''': I—I don't, uh...
:'''Duchess''': Alright, for your sake, I'll be blunt. Why do the Bosses keep ducks? To eat them. So why do the Bosses keep a pig? The fact is that animals who don't seem to have a purpose a purpose really do have a purpose. The Bosses have to eat. It's probably the most noble purpose of all when you come to think about it.
:'''Babe''': ''[horrified]'' They ''eat'' pigs?
:'''Duchess''': Pork, they call it. Or bacon. They only call them pigs when they're still ''alive''.
:'''Babe''': ''[frightened]'' But, uh, I'm a sheep pig.
:'''Duchess''': ''[giggles]'' The Boss's husband is just playing a little game with you. Believe me, sooner or later, every pig gets eaten. That's how the world works. Oh, I haven't upset you, have I? ''[chuckles softly]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Fly''': Babe? Babe? ''[rushes out of the barn, then she runs around the house]'' Babe? Babe? ''[Rex is shown under the wagon watching Fly calling Babe and she approaches him, informing of what Duchess has done to Babe]'' Babe's run away! Rex? Please?
:'''Rex''': ''[regrets at what he had done earlier and changed his heart, gets up]'' Call the boss.
:''[Fly then barks at the window to alert Arthur of Babe run away, then they are shown following Babe's tracks and Rex rushes forward and finds Babe in the graveyard, shivering from the rain]''
:'''Rex''': He's over here! Hold on, pig. You'll be home soon.
:''[Fly and Arthur approach him ready to bring him back home]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Fly''': If those sheep won't talk to Babe, the boss is going to look like an idiot. I don't know what to do.
:'''Rex''': There's only one thing. ''[Fly tries to speak, but is cut off]'' I've got to go! I'll try to be back in time. :''[runs off, as Arthur looks on with concern]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Narrator''': ''[the crowd cheers at Babe's performance]'' And so it was that in all the celebration, in all the hubbub of noise and excitement, there were two figures who stood silent and still. Side by side.
:'''Ferdinand''': ''[rooster crows]'' Ha, ha, ha, ha! The pig did it! The pig did it! The perfect score! ''[laughs]''
:'''Mice''': Whoo! Whoo-hoo! Yippee! Yippee! Yippee!
:'''Narrator''': And though every single human in the stands or in the commentary boxes was at a complete loss for words, the man who in his life had uttered fewer words than any of them knew exactly what to say. 
:'''Farmer Hoggett''': ''[to Babe; last lines]'' That'll do, pig. That'll do.

==Tagline==
*A little pig goes a long way.

==Cast==
*[[James Cromwell]] — Farmer Arthur H. &quot;The Boss&quot; Hoggett
*[[w:Magda Szubanski|Madga Szubanski]] - Mrs. Esme Cordelia Hoggett 
*[[w:Miriam Flynn|Miriam Flynn]] (voice) — Maa the Sheep
*[[w:Danny Mann|Danny Mann]] (voice) — Ferdinand the Duck
*[[w:Christine Cavanaugh|Christine Cavanaugh]] (voice) — Babe the Pig
*[[w:Miriam Margoyles|Miriam Margoyles]] (voice) — Fly the Border Collie
*[[w:Russi Taylor|Russi Taylor]] (voice) — Duchess, the Hoggetts' cat
*[[w:Roscoe Lee Brown|Roscoe Lee Brown]] (voice) — The Narrator
*[[w:Katie Leigh|Katie Leigh]] (voice) - Fly's puppies

== Quotes about ''Babe'' ==
* Making the movie ''Babe'' opened my eyes to the intelligence and the inquisitive personalities of [[pigs]]. These highly social animals possess an amazing capacity for love, joy and sorrow that makes them remarkably similar to our beloved canine and feline friends.
** [[James Cromwell]], said in a press statement for ''SaveBabe'' campaign, as quoted in [http://www.nouse.co.uk/2007/10/26/james-cromwell-king-lear-babe-and-the-black-panthers/ &quot;James Cromwell: King Lear, Babe and the Black Panthers&quot;] in ''[[w:Nouse|Nouse]]'' (26 October 2007)
* [''Babe''] also inspired me to become [[vegan]]. After having worked all morning with these extraordinary animals, I'd see their relatives on the lunch table. They had ham and duck, every animal except horse. That's when I said, &quot;I've got to try to be a vegan.&quot; And for the most part, I have been vegan since 1994.
** [[James Cromwell]], from [http://www.humanesociety.org/news/magazines/2015/01-02/unprejudiced-heart-interview-with-babe-actor-james-cromwell.html &quot;The Tale of an Unprejudiced Heart: An Interview with James Cromwell&quot;] by ''[[w:The Humane Society of the United States|The Humane Society of the United States]]'' (17 December 2014)

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Babe (film)|Babe}}
*{{imdb title|id=0112431|title=Babe}}
*{{Mojo title|babe|Babe}}

[[Category:1995 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Australian films]]
[[Category:British films]]
[[Category:Comedy films]]
[[Category:Films based on novels]]
[[Category:Films about pigs]]
[[Category:Films about ducks]]
[[Category:Films set in England]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius (film)</title>
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'''''[[w:Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius (film)|Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius]]''''' is a 2001 American computer-animated science fiction comedy film produced by Nickelodeon Movies, O Entertainment and DNA Productions, and distributed by Paramount Pictures.

==Dialogue==
:''[Judy puts a plate in front of Hugh]''
:'''Judy''': Sorry about the toast, dear. I had to make it in the oven because I cannot find our toaster anywhere.
:'''Hugh''': Oh, looky. Well, this oven toast is brilliant, sugar booger. And the yolks are absolutely perfect, too. Run away with me, my love. ''[gasps when he reads the box]''
:'''Judy''': Okay. But we have to take my car because you transmitter needs a new compression cup.
:'''Hugh''': Whatever. ''[peeks inside box to take out a prize toy duck]'' Oh, this is a good one. Quack quack quack. ''[chuckles]''
:'''Judy''': Will you try calling Jimmy? He is going to miss the bus again.
:'''Hugh''': Jimmy! BREAKFAST! Time to come down! ''[sing-song with his toy duck]'' Down down down down down quack. Down down down down down quack quack.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Judy''': James Isaac Neutron! I see you up there. How many times have we told you not to launch yourself off the roof?
:'''Jimmy''': Probably nine. Exactly nine. They say repetition is good for a developing brain.
:'''Judy''': Then what do you think you're doing?
:'''Jimmy''': Last night I got a message from space, but it was garbled in the ionosphere, so I had to launch a communications toaster... I mean, satellite. And then when I tried...
:'''Hugh''': Well, message from space. Wow.
:'''Judy''': Don't encourage him, Hugh. Jimmy, we've repeatedly told you not to talk to strangers.
:'''Jimmy''': But, Mom, I'm on the verge of contact with an advanced alien civilization.
:'''Judy''': I don't care how advanced they say they are, Jimmy. If your father and I haven't met them, they're strangers. Right, Hugh?
:'''Hugh''': Well, except for policemen. They're there to help you. You've got to admit that is pretty neat. But very unsafe, honey. That's bad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Sheen is up for show and tell at school]''
:'''Sheen''': This is ULTRA LORD!
:''[the class groans]''
:'''Miss Fowl''': Sheen, this is the seventh week in a row you've shown Ultra Lord in class!
:'''Sheen''': Miss Fowl. This one is different! This &quot;Purple Vengeance&quot; edition with power fists and nuclear knees is in rare, never-before-seen condition; making it HIGHLY COLLECTIBLE!
:'''Cindy''': &quot;Never-before-seen&quot;, huh? Well, then, how do you know it's even in there?
:'''Sheen''': Hmmmm… ''[takes Ultra Lord out of the box and mockingly waves it in front of Cindy]'' Nyah-nyah. ''[Cindy shakes her head and gives him a smirk; suddenly shocked, realizing what he has done]'' '''NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!'''
:''[the class starts laughing]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': ''[whispering]'' Hey, Jimmy, wanna see a frog?
:''[shows him a crude drawing of a smiling frog]''
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, that looks great, Carl.
:'''Carl''': Thanks. ''[notices Jimmy's more precise drawings]'' Um, what are you drawing?
:'''Jimmy''': Flycycle modifications for Goddard. Second prototype.
:'''Carl''': &quot;Prototype&quot;, huh? 
:'''Jimmy''': Uh-huh.
:'''Carl''': Well, you know, that looks good, too.
:'''Jimmy''': Thanks, Carl.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': ''[takes out inhaler]'' This is my inhaler. It provides fast-acting relief of bronchial swelling due to asthma or allergies. One touch of the button and-- ''[accidentally sprays into his eyes]'' '''AAAAAAHHHHH!!! OH! I CAN'T SEE!!!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheen''': ''[notices a poster for Retroland theme park]'' Hey! Hey! Retroland theme park! Check it out! ''[Takes poster off pole]'' &quot;Meet Ultra Lord! Live!!!&quot; 
:'''Jimmy''': Oh look! ''[takes poster from Sheen]'' It's the state of the arts bone-warping gravity rides! ''[Sheen takes back poster]''
:'''Sheen''': I could hang out with Ultra Lord!
:'''Carl''': ''[takes poster]'' And there's a petting zoo!
:'''Jimmy''': ''[takes poster]'' But look at this!
:'''Sheen''': ''[Takes poster]'' No! &quot;Meet Ultra Lord live!!!&quot;
:'''Carl''': ''[takes poster]'' Llamas and capybaras!
:'''Sheen''': Who cares!? &quot;Meet Ultra Lord live!!!&quot;
:'''Carl''': ''[dances in excitement]'' Yeah! But I'm going to touch a llama!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Judy''': ''(calls from downstairs)'' Jimmy!
:'''Jimmy''': ''[comes out of the fireplace]'' Hi, Mom.
:'''Judy''': Oh! Oh, Jimmy, you scared the bajeebers out of me.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, sorry about your bajeebers, Mom. And might I add how lovely you look today?
:'''Judy''': Jimmy, I'm covered in transmission fluid.
:'''Jimmy''': Exactly! And might I say filth never looked so good. 
:'''Judy''': Yes. Well, how was show and tell today?
:'''Jimmy''': Was okay. But first, ''(pulls out bouquet of flowers)'' happy birthday, Mom!
:'''Judy''': ''(takes bouquet)'' Jimmy, these are beautiful! But sweetie, it's… not my birthday.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, it's not? Well, ''(pulls out a pearl necklace and earrings)'' then whatever will I do with these lovely pearls and priceless earrings? 
:'''Judy''': ''(takes necklace and earrings)'' These can't be real.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, but they can, and they are! ''(snaps fingers and Goddard grows a speaker, disco ball, and spotlights with 40s style music playing)'' And all these fabulous gifts and prizes could be yours if you know the correct answer to this question: Please may I go to Retroland tonight?
:'''Judy''': ''(gives Jimmy bouquet)'' No. It's a school night.
:'''Jimmy''': Thank you so much mother! And might I say…''(music slows, stops)'' Did you just say no?
:'''Judy''': Yes.
:'''Jimmy''': Yes!
:'''Judy''': No.
:'''Jimmy''': No?
:'''Judy''': Yes.
:'''Jimmy''': YES!
:'''Judy''': JIMMY…?!
:'''Jimmy''': But all my friends are going, and anybody who matters is gonna be there, Mom!
:'''Judy''': I matter, your father matters, and ''you'' matter. But, you're not going. Maybe we can all go next week.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Goobot''': Tell me. When did it come unacceptable to approach my royal throne UNANNOUNCED?!?
:'''Yokian Guard''': Oh yes. Of course, my King.
:'''King Goobot''': SPACE HIM!
:'''Yokian Guard''': But, hey...
:''(Yokian Guard gets spaced out, and flies out of the ship)''
:'''Ooblar''': WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIT!!! Ohhhh! ''(slams face-first into the window)'' Oh, I missed it... Can I-can I space another?
:'''King Goobot''': No.
:'''Ooblar''': Oh, please, brother?
:'''King Goobot''': I said &quot;No&quot;, Ooblar.
:'''Ooblar''': ''(sing-song)'' Oh please, Oh please, Oh please, Oh please, Oh please, Oh please...
:'''King Goobot''': I would love for that to stop.
:'''Ooblar''': ''(continuing)'' Oh please, Oh please, Oh pleeeeaaassse? ''(spots the toaster)'' Oh, what have we here? ''(clears throat)'' As the king's royal assistant, I am the official checker of the new things to be checked.
:'''King Goobot''': Ohh.
:'''Ooblar''': ''(plays with the toaster until the toast pops out)'' It's all right, it's all right! I'll handle this. ''(starts to interact with the toast)'' HELLO!
:''(silence)''
:'''Ooblar''': WHAT GALAXY ARE YOU FROM?!?!
:'''King Goobot''': Ooblar.
:'''Ooblar''': WHERE IS YOUR LEADER?!?
:'''King Goobot''': Ooblar, stop it. It's toast.
:'''Ooblar''': Oh. ''(takes the toast)'' HELLO, TOAST! I GREATLY ADMIRE YOUR SHIP!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In the living room]''
:'''Hugh''': Jimmy's a big boy now. Don't you worry, sugar.
:'''Judy''': I suppose you're right.
:'''Hugh''': Yeah, sure. I was a kid once. I remembered being grounded a whole week and not being allowed to go to my best friend's bachelor party. ''(shrinks the TV with Jimmy's shrink ray)''
:'''Judy''': Well, what did you do?
:'''Hugh''': Actually, I snuck out. ''(enlarges the TV and shrinks Judy's head)''
:'''Judy''': You don't think that Jimmy... ''(Hugh enlarges Judy's head normal sized again)''
:'''Hugh''': No, no. Besides, how's he gonna sneak out? It's not like he can just walk right out the front door.
:'''Judy''': That's true.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheen''': I'm peeing...in the shower!
:''[later]''
:'''Sheen''': I'm still doin' it! Go, go, go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''&quot;My Clothes Don't Match&quot; Kid''': ''(singing)'' My clothes don't match, my clothes don't match! I'm out in public and my clothes don't match!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Sheen emerges from a large pile of popcorn)''
:'''Sheen''': What a battle. Are there any survivors? (falls back in the popcorn pile; his hand rises out; desprate) Help me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Jimmy sees a TV that says &quot;KIDS SPECIAL REPORT.&quot;)''
:'''Oleander''': ''(Wendall laughs and throws a piece of paper over Oleander's head)'' We interrupt this program to bring you this special report. ''(Wendall puts his hand on the camera and messes around with it)'' Hey! knock it off, Arnie! ''(clears throat)'' &quot;Trouble in Paradise.&quot; ''(Wendall does the &quot;peace&quot; sign next to Oleander)'' That's what some kids are saying in the aftermath of yesterday's &quot;Mom and Dad are gone&quot; celebrations. ''(the cameraman moves the camera away from Oleander; Oleander pops out)'' Here's Courtney Tyler! ''(chuckles)''
:'''Courtney Tyler''': What started as an awesome day has become, like, a real bummer.
:'''Johnny Shjeff''': ''(runs past)'' Help us!
:'''Nathan DeCarlo''': ''(runs past)'' I don't know how to make lunch!
:'''Tina Sue''': ''(offscreen)'' I want my parents!
:''(Johnny Shjeff runs up to the camera.)''
:'''Johnny Shjeff''': Somebody hold me!
:''(Courtney Tyler is interviewing Nissa, who is holding her hurt knee.)''
:'''Nissa''': I-I was playing on the teeter-totter, and the next thing I knew, I was on the ground, and my knee ''hurt!''
:'''Courtney Tyler''': ''(clears throat)'' Reports of tummy aches, owies and constipation have reached epidemic numbers over the past few hours, with little indication of slowing down. 
:''(Courtney Tyler is interviewing zachary.)''
:'''Zachary Jones''': And... ''(sniffs)'' And so we were gonna see who could eat the most cotton candy... ''(camera zooms out, revealing he's bloated)'' And I won! ''(cries)'' I want my mommy! ''(burps as his shirt rips)''
:'''Courtney Tyler''': ''(Turns back to the camera)'' So, there you have it. ''(her smile fades to a sad look on her face)'' I want my mommy too! ''(starts crying loudly)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Judy Neutron:''' James Isaac Neutro--'''''&lt;BURPS LOUDLY&gt;''''' ''(short pause)'' ''(laughs)''

== Cast ==
* [[w:Debi Derryberry|Debi Derryberry]] as James Isaac &quot;Jimmy&quot; Neutron
* [[w:Frank Welker|Frank Welker]] as Goddard the Dog
* [[w:Rob Paulsen|Rob Paulsen]] as Carlton Ulysses &quot;Carl&quot; Wheezer
* [[w:Jeffrey Garcia|Jeffrey Garcia]] as Sheen Juarerra Estevez
* [[w:Candi Milo|Candi Milo]] as Cynthia Aurora &quot;Cindy&quot; Vortex and Nicholas &quot;Nick&quot; Dean
* [[Alyssa Milano]] as Liberty Danielle &quot;Libby&quot; Folfax
* [[w:Andrea Martin|Andrea Martin]] as Ms. Winifred Fowl
* [[w:Megan Cavanagh|Megan Cavanagh]] as Judith Honey &quot;Judy&quot; Neutron
* [[Tim Allen]] as Hubert Beaumont &quot;Hugh&quot; Neutron
* [[w:Patrick Stewart|Patrick Stewart]] as King Goobot
* [[w:Martin Short|Martin Short]] as Ooblar
* [[w:Billy West|Billy West]] as Butch

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia|Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius}}
* {{imdb title| id=0268397| title=Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius}}

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[[Category:Films about children]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>William Plomer</title>
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      <text bytes="3740" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:William Plomer|William Charles Franklyn Plomer]]''' ([[10 December]] [[1903]] – [[21 September]] [[1973]]) was a South African poet, novelist and campaigner for racial equality.  He also wrote the librettos for four of [[w:Benjamin Britten|Benjamin Britten]]’s operas.

{{author-stub}}

==Quotes==

* The commonplace needs no defence,&lt;br/&gt;Dullness is in the critic’s eyes,&lt;br/&gt;Without a licence life evolves&lt;br/&gt;From some dim phase its own surprise;&lt;br/&gt;&lt;br/&gt;Under these yellow-twinkling elms,&lt;br/&gt;Behind these hedges trimly shorn,&lt;br/&gt;As in a stable once, so here&lt;br/&gt;It may be born, it may be born.
** &quot;The Bungalows&quot;, line 45, from ''A Shot in the Park'' (London: Jonathan Cape, 1955).

=== ''The Dorking Thigh, and Other Satires'' ===
&lt;small&gt;Quotations are cited from the first edition (London: Jonathan Cape, 1945).&lt;/small&gt;

* A family portrait not too stale to record&lt;br/&gt;Of a pleasant old buffer, nephew to a lord,&lt;br/&gt;Who believed that the bank was mightier than the sword,&lt;br/&gt;And that an umbrella might pacify barbarians abroad:&lt;br/&gt;Just like an old liberal&lt;br/&gt;Between the wars.
** &quot;Father and Son: 1939&quot;, line 1.

* Oh, the twenties and the thirties were not otherwise designed&lt;br/&gt;Than other times when blind men into ditches led the blind,&lt;br/&gt;When the rich mouse ate the cheese and the poor mouse got the rind,&lt;br/&gt;And man, the self-destroyer, was not lucid in his mind.
** &quot;Father and Son: 1939&quot;, line 73.

* When her guests were awash with champagne and with gin&lt;br/&gt;She was recklessly sober, as sharp as a pin:&lt;br/&gt;An abstemious man would reel at her look&lt;br/&gt;As she rolled a bright eye and praised his last book.
** &quot;Slightly Foxed&quot;, line 25.

* [[w:Henri Gaudier-Brzeska|Brzeska]] and [[Rupert Brooke|Brooke]] were among those she knew&lt;br/&gt;And she lived long enough to meet Lawrences, too,&lt;br/&gt;[[D. H. Lawrence|D. H.]] and [[T. E. Lawrence|T. E.]] – she who'd known [[Robert Louis Stevenson|R. L. S.]],&lt;br/&gt;Talked to [[Thomas Hardy|Hardy]] of ''[[w:Kim (novel)|Kim]]'', and to [[Rudyard Kipling|Kipling]] of ''[[w:Tess of the d'Urbervilles|Tess]]''!
** &quot;Slightly Foxed&quot;, line 33.

=== ''The Child of Queen Victoria'' ===
* We hear a great deal about sex nowadays; it is possible to overestimate its importance, because there are always people who pay it little attention or who apparently manage, like Sir Isaac Newton, to get along, without giving it a thought.

== Criticism ==

* His most celebrated poems are, of course, the historical-satirical ballads (A or even X certificate) in which a person or period is &quot;hit off&quot;, in the sense both of being preserved and hit for six.
** [[Philip Larkin]], in ''The Guardian'', [[June 10]], [[1960]].

* His poetry may be divided into comic extravaganza on the one hand, and more personal work on the other.  There is no one like him in the world in the former genre; as a &quot;light poet&quot; he is preferable to [[John Betjeman]] – as fluent in traditional forms, his work is never vitiated by refuge in the poetical or high sentimental, and his choice of words is subtler, funnier and altogether sharper.  In his other vein Plomer is fastidious, reticent, elegant and the author of some memorable and moving lines.
** [[w:Martin Seymour-Smith|Martin Seymour-Smith]] ''[[w:Guide to Modern World Literature|Guide to Modern World Literature]]'' (London: Hodder &amp; Stoughton, [1973] 1975) vol. 1, p. 389.

== External links ==
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  <page>
    <title>Renewable energy</title>
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      <comment>/* 2011 to 2020 */  Added a quote from a 2019 International Energy Agency report on offshore wind, which says at maximum build-out offshore turbines could potentially &quot;generate more than 420,000 terawatt-hours per year worldwide, or more than 18 times global electricity demand today.&quot;</comment>
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      <text bytes="32532" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Renewable energy|Renewable energy]]''' is energy that is collected from [[w:renewable resource|renewable resource]]s that are naturally replenished on a [[w:Orders of magnitude (time)|human timescale]]. It includes sources such as [[sunlight]], [[w:wind power|wind]], [[rain]], [[w:tidal power|tides]], [[w:wave power|waves]], and [[w:geothermal energy|geothermal heat]]. Renewable energy stands in contrast to [[fossil fuel]]s, which are being used far more quickly than they are being replenished. Although most renewable energy sources are [[w:sustainable energy|sustainable]], some are not. For example, some [[w:biomass|biomass]] sources are considered unsustainable at current rates of exploitation.

[[File:Combined heat and power solar installation on barn roof in Western Europe 2.jpg|thumb|&quot;I'd put my money on the sun and [[w:Solar energy|solar energy]]. What a [[w:Electricity generation|source of power]]!&quot; - [[Thomas Edison]] in [https://www.nytimes.com/2007/06/03/magazine/03wwln-essay-t.html a conversation shortly before his death in 1931.] (This photo shows a combined heat and power solar installation on a barn roof in Germany.)]]

{{theme-stub}}

== Quotes ==
[[File:Xingquanbao.eoliennes.jpg|thumb|&quot;[[w:Cost of electricity by source|Wind [power cost] has plunged by 80% just in the past 11 or 12 years]]. . . . Things like [[w:Grid parity|wind and solar power really can already out-compete dirtier forms of electricity]], and we just need to build more of them quickly; [as of May, 2022] we’re not adding them fast enough.&quot; - Daniel Cohan, Rice University. (This photo shows wind turbines in Gansu province, China.)]]

===Before 2001===

* I'd put my money on the sun and [[w:Solar energy|solar energy]]. What a [[w:Electricity generation|source of power]]! I hope we don’t have to wait until [[w:Oil depletion|oil]] and [[w:Non-renewable resource|coal run out]] before we tackle that.
** [[Thomas Edison]] (in a conversation shortly before his death in 1931), as quoted in [https://www.nytimes.com/2007/06/03/magazine/03wwln-essay-t.html a June 3, 2007 essay entitled &quot;Current Thinking&quot; by the journalist and documentary filmmaker Heather Rogers published in ''The New York Times Magazine''.]

===2001 to 2010===

* Although photosynthesis typically has an energy conversion efficiency below three percent, it is, together with heat from the sun, the main energy source of all living organisms, and the energy source from which biomass and fossil fuels are derived. Each year the earth receives an energy input from the sun equal to 15,000 times the world's commercial energy consumption and 100 times the world's proven coal, gas and oil reserves.
** Bernhard Scheffler, quoted by J. Clarke and D. Holt-Biddle in Coming Back to Earth, p. 78 (2002)

* There is one forecast of which you can already be sure: someday renewable energy will be the only way for people to satisfy their energy needs. Because of the physical, ecological and (therefore) social limits to nuclear and fossil energy use, ultimately nobody will be able to circumvent renewable energy as the solution, even if it turns out to be everybody’s last remaining choice. The question keeping everyone in suspense, however, is whether we shall succeed in making this radical change of energy platforms happen early enough to spare the world irreversible ecological mutilation and political and economic catastrophe.
** [[w:Hermann Scheer|Hermann Scheer]], member of the German Bundestag and President of the European Association for Renewable Energy, in his book [http://www.earthscan.co.uk/Portals/0/Files/Sample%20Chapters/9781844073559.pdf ''Energy Autonomy: The Economic, Social and Technological Case for Renewable Energy'' (2006).] Routledge Taylor &amp; Francis Group. ISBN 9781844073559.

===2011 to 2020===

*More solar energy falls on Earth in one hour than all the energy our civilization consumes in an entire year. If we could harness a tiny fraction of the available solar and wind power, we could supply all our energy needs forever, and without adding any carbon to the atmosphere.
** From the [[w:Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey#Twelfth Episode: The World Set Free|twelfth episode]] of the U.S. science documentary television series ''[[w:Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey|Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey]]'', first broadcast on June 1, 2014.

* Every percentage point increase in homegrown renewable energy makes us that much more energy secure. The progress in electricity is encouraging, but growth is not yet strong enough in renewable heat and transport to meet the government's objectives.
** Nina Skorupska, chief executive of the UK's Renewable Energy Association, as quoted in [http://www.theguardian.com/environment/2014/jun/26/wind-renewables-generated-fifth-britain-electricity-energy &quot;Wind and other renewables generated a fifth of Britain's electricity in early 2014&quot;] ''The Guardian.'' June 26, 2014.

* One of the [[w:Disruptive innovation|real breakthroughs]] is when someone figures out [[w:Energy storage|long-term storage capacity]].
** [[George Shultz]], US statesman and economist, discussing the need for improvements in batteries or other energy storage technology to better integrate [[w:Solar energy|solar]] and [[w:Wind energy|wind energy]] into the [[w:Electrical grid|electrical grid]], as quoted in [https://news.mit.edu/2014/george-shultz-climate-change-mit-talk-1001 &quot;George Shultz: 'Climate is changing,' and we need more action: Former secretary of state - and former MIT professor - urges progress on multiple fronts&quot;] ''MIT News.'' October 1, 2014.

[[File:Bill Gates MSC 2017 (cropped).jpg|thumb|[https://www.ft.com/content/4f66ff5c-1a47-11e5-a130-2e7db721f996 &quot;The only way you can get to the very positive {CO&lt;sub&gt;2&lt;/sub&gt; reduction} scenario is by great innovation. Innovation really does bend the curve&quot;] - Bill Gates, global philanthropist and founder of Microsoft.]]
* The only way you can get to the very positive scenario is by great [[innovation]]. [[w:Innovation|Innovation really does bend the curve]].
** [[Bill Gates]], global philanthropist and founder of Microsoft, arguing that the cost of reducing CO&lt;sub&gt;2&lt;/sub&gt; emissions using existing technologies is &quot;beyond astronomical.&quot; From [https://www.ft.com/content/4f66ff5c-1a47-11e5-a130-2e7db721f996 &quot;Gates to double investment in renewable energy projects: Microsoft co-founder takes interest in new areas of research like in solar, high wind and new nuclear&quot;] ''Financial Times.'' June 25, 2015.

* If you told me that [[innovation]] had been frozen and we just have today's technologies, will the world run the climate change experiment? You bet we will. We will not deny India coal plants; we will run the scary experiment of heating up the atmosphere and seeing what happens. The only reason I'm optimistic about this problem is because of [[w:Innovation|innovation]]. . . . I want to tilt the odds in our favor by driving innovation at an unnaturally high pace, or more than its current business-as-usual course. I see that as the only thing. I want to call up India someday and say, &quot;Here's a source of energy that is cheaper than your coal plants, and by the way, from a global pollution and local pollution point of view, it's also better.&quot;
** [[Bill Gates]], in [https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2015/11/we-need-an-energy-miracle/407881/ &quot;We need an energy miracle&quot; (Interview with Bill Gates).] ''The Atlantic.'' November 2015 issue.

* Cheaper coal and cheaper gas will not derail the transformation and decarbonisation of the world’s power systems. By 2040, zero-emission energy sources will make up 60% of installed capacity.
** Bloomberg New Energy Finance report entitled [https://www.bloomberg.com/company/new-energy-outlook &quot;New Energy Outlook 2016 (An annual long-term view of how the world's power markets will evolve in the future)&quot;].

* We have long supported a [[w:carbon tax|carbon tax]] as the best policy of those being considered. Replacing the hodge-podge of current, largely ineffective regulations with a revenue-neutral carbon tax would ensure a uniform and predictable [[w:Carbon price|cost of carbon]] across the economy. It would allow market forces to drive solutions. It would maximize transparency, reduce administrative complexity, promote global participation and easily adjust to future developments in our understanding of climate science as well as the policy consequences of these actions.
** [[Rex Tillerson]], Chairman and CEO of ExxonMobil, in a speech entitled [http://corporate.exxonmobil.com/en/company/news-and-updates/speeches/the-path-forward-in-todays-energy-environment &quot;The Path Forward in Today’s Energy Environment&quot;] delivered at the 37th Annual Oil and Money Conference in London on October 19, 2016.

* Rather than an eyesore on the roof, it becomes actually a feature of the home. People are going to start wanting to put [[w:Building-integrated photovoltaics|{building-integrated photovoltaics}]] on the front side of their home to show that they have solar.
** Christopher Klinga, technical director of the (U.S.-based) Architectural Solar Association, as quoted in [http://www.nbcnews.com/mach/innovation/next-solar-energy-revolution-hiding-plain-sight-n742111 &quot;The Next Solar Energy Revolution Is Hiding in Plain Sight.&quot;] NBCNews.com. April 10, 2017.

* [W]ind and solar power have been rapidly winning market acceptance. Last year, the installed capacity of solar power in the United States nearly doubled. And wind is now being harnessed to produce 5.5 percent of America’s electricity, according to the [[w:Energy Information Administration |U.S. Energy Information Administration]].
** Norm Alster, journalist, in [https://www.nytimes.com/2017/04/15/business/mutfund/trump-coal-renewable-investing.html &quot;Investing in Solar and Wind in a Coal and Oil Moment.&quot;] ''The New York Times.'' April 15, 2017.

[[File:Abraham Archibald Anderson - Thomas Alva Edison - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|&quot;The next big act belongs to the [[Engineering|engineers]]. [https://www.project-syndicate.org/commentary/cop24-rulebook-time-for-engineers-by-jeffrey-d-sachs-2018-12 Energy transformation for climate safety is our twenty-first-century moonshot.&quot;] - [[Jeffrey Sachs]], development economist. (Pictured above is [[Thomas Edison]], considered one of the greatest [[Invention|inventors]] and engineers of all time.)]]
* The transition to renewable energy can be greatly accelerated if the world’s governments finally bring the [[Engineering|engineers]] to the fore... I was recently on a panel with three economists and a senior business-sector engineer. After the economists spoke... the engineer spoke succinctly and wisely. “I don’t really understand what you economists were just speaking about, but I do have a suggestion... Tell us engineers the desired ‘specs’ and the timeline, and we’ll get the job done.” This is not bravado.... The next big act belongs to the engineers. [[w:Energy transition|Energy transformation]] for [[w:Climate security|climate safety]] is our twenty-first-century [[Apollo 11|moonshot]]. 
** [[Jeffrey Sachs]] in [https://www.project-syndicate.org/commentary/cop24-rulebook-time-for-engineers-by-jeffrey-d-sachs-2018-12 ''For Climate Safety, Call in the Engineers, Project Syndicate'']  (20 December 2018)

[[File:VCY CG CB CV cent grp 121613 0517 02844 (13896600480).jpg|thumb|&quot;A [[w:carbon tax|carbon tax]] will send a powerful price signal that harnesses the invisible hand of the marketplace to steer economic actors towards a low-carbon future.&quot; - [https://clcouncil.org/economists-statement/ &quot;Economists’ Statement on Carbon Dividends&quot;] signed by more than 3,500 economists, including every living former chair of the US Federal Reserve (pictured, from left to right: Janet Yellen, Alan Greenspan, Ben Bernanke and Paul Volcker).]]
* A [[w:carbon tax|carbon tax]] offers the most cost-effective lever to reduce carbon emissions at the scale and speed that is necessary. By correcting a well-known market failure, a carbon tax will send a powerful price signal that harnesses the invisible hand of the marketplace to steer economic actors towards a low-carbon future. . . . A consistently rising carbon price will encourage technological [[innovation]] and large-scale infrastructure development.
** &quot;Economists’ Statement on Carbon Dividends: Bipartisan agreement on how to combat climate change.&quot; (Statement signed by more than 3,500 economists, including every living former chair of the U.S. Federal Reserve and 27 Nobel laureates.)
*** [https://www.wsj.com/articles/economists-statement-on-carbon-dividends-11547682910 Economists’ Statement on Carbon Dividends (The statement's original publication - subscription required to view in full.)] ''The Wall Street Journal.'' January 16, 2019.
*** [https://clcouncil.org/economists-statement/ Economists’ Statement on Carbon Dividends (Republication - no subscription needed to view.)] Republished by the Climate Leadership Council. Originally published on January 16, 2019.

* [[w:Offshore wind power|Offshore wind]]'s remarkable potential: [[w:List of offshore wind farms|The global offshore wind market]] grew nearly 30% per year between 2010 and 2018, benefitting from rapid technology improvements and about 150 new offshore wind projects . . . in active development around the world. . . . Yet today's offshore wind market doesn't even come close to tapping the full potential - with high-quality resources available in most major markets, offshore wind has the potential to generate more than 420,000 [terawatt-hours] per year worldwide. This is more than 18 times [[w:Electric energy consumption|global electricity demand today]].
** [https://www.iea.org/reports/offshore-wind-outlook-2019 &quot;Offshore Wind Outlook 2019: World Energy Outlook special report.&quot;] [[w:International Energy Agency|International Energy Agency]]. (November, 2019)

* The clean energy portfolios of some of the largest corporate buyers rival those of the world’s biggest utilities. These companies are facing mounting pressure from investors to [[w:Low-carbon economy|decarbonize]] - [[w:Power purchase agreement|clean energy contracts]] serve as a way to [[w:Energy management|diversify energy spend]] and reduce susceptibility to the tangible [[w:Climate risk|risks associated with climate change]].
** Kyle Harrison, sustainability analyst at [[w:Bloomberg L.P.#New Energy Finance|BloombergNEF]] and lead author of its ''1H 2020 Corporate Energy Market Outlook'' report, as quoted in a summary discussing the report entitled [https://about.bnef.com/blog/corporate-clean-energy-buying-leapt-44-in-2019-sets-new-record/ &quot;Corporate Clean Energy Buying Leapt 44% in 2019, Sets New Record&quot;], published on January 28, 2020.

* [N]ew [[w:Cost of electricity by source|renewable power generation projects now increasingly undercut existing coal-fired plants]]. On average, new [[w:Solar energy|solar]] [[w:Photovoltaics|photovoltaic (PV)]] and onshore [[w:Wind power|wind power]] cost less than keeping many existing [[w:Coal-fired power station|coal plants]] in operation, and [[w:Electricity market|auction]] results show this trend accelerating – reinforcing the case to [[w:Coal phase-out|phase-out coal]] entirely.
** [[w:International Renewable Energy Agency|International Renewable Energy Agency]] press release entitled [https://www.irena.org/newsroom/pressreleases/2020/Jun/Renewables-Increasingly-Beat-Even-Cheapest-Coal-Competitors-on-Cost &quot;Renewables Increasingly Beat Even Cheapest Coal Competitors on Cost: Competitive power generation costs make investment in renewables highly attractive as countries target economic recovery from COVID-19, new IRENA report finds.&quot;] June 2, 2020.

* I think it’s clear now that [[w:Sustainable energy | energy has to be clean]]. . . . And [[w:Renewable energy commercialization | we should do it in ways that give jobs to everybody]]. . . . There’s [[w:Renewable energy transition | so much to do in renewable power]], there is [[w:Coal-fired power station | so little to do in coal]].
** [[w:William McDonough|William McDonough]], as quoted in [https://www.marketplace.org/2020/08/19/pollution-climate-change-waste-economy-architect-william-mcdonough/ &quot;Eliminating the concept of waste from the economy&quot;], from the ''Marketplace Morning Report'' segment of the US National Public Radio ''Morning Edition'' program, August 19, 2020.

===2021===

====How to Avoid a Climate Disaster (book)====

''How to Avoid a Climate Disaster: The Solutions We Have and the Breakthroughs We Need''. Book published by Alfred A. Knopf on February 16, 2021. ISBN 9780385546133 (hardcover), ISBN 9780385546140 (e-book). &lt;br /&gt; 
[[How to Avoid a Climate Disaster | Main Wikiquote page for ''How to Avoid a Climate Disaster'']] &lt;br /&gt; 
[[w:How to Avoid a Climate Disaster | Wikipedia page for ''How to Avoid a Climate Disaster'']]

[[File:Renewable Energy on the Grid.jpg|thumb|&quot;Deploying today’s [[w:Renewable energy|renewables]] and improving [[w:Electric power transmission|transmission]] couldn’t be more important. [And] even as we deploy, deploy, deploy [[w:Solar power|solar]] and [[w:Wind power|wind]], the world is going to need some new clean electricity inventions too.&quot; - [[Bill Gates]], from his book, [[w:How to Avoid a Climate Disaster|''How to Avoid a Climate Disaster'' (2021)]].]]

* When it comes to climate change, I know [[innovation]] isn’t the only thing we need. But we cannot [[w:Climate change mitigation|keep the earth livable]] without it. [[w:Environmental technology|Techno-fixes]] are not sufficient, but they are necessary.
** [[Bill Gates]], from page 14 of his book [[w:How to Avoid a Climate Disaster|''How to Avoid a Climate Disaster'' (2021)]].

* [W]e’re going to need ''much'' more [[w:Clean electricity|clean electricity]] in the coming years. Most experts agree that as we [[w:Electrification|electrify]] other [[w:Emission intensity|carbon-intensive processes]] like [[w:Steelmaking|making steel]] and [[w:Electric car|running cars]], [[w:World energy supply and consumption|the world’s electricity supply]] will need to double or even triple by 2050. And that doesn’t even account for population growth, or the fact that people will get richer and use more electricity. So the world will need much more than three times [[w:Electricity generation|the electricity we generate now]].
** [[Bill Gates]], from page 79 of his book [[w:How to Avoid a Climate Disaster|''How to Avoid a Climate Disaster'' (2021)]].

* Deploying today’s [[w:Renewable energy|renewables]] and improving [[w:Electric power transmission|transmission]] couldn’t be more important. . . . Unless we use large amounts of [[w:Nuclear power|nuclear energy]] . . . every path to zero [net emissions] in the United States will require us to install as much [[w:Wind power|wind]] and [[w:Solar power|solar power]] as we can build and find room for. It’s hard to say exactly [[w:Electricity sector of the United States|how much of America’s electricity will come from renewables]] in the end, but what we do know is that between now and 2050 we have to build them much faster - on the order of 5 to 10 times faster - than we’re doing right now. And remember that most countries aren’t as lucky as the United States when it comes to [[w:Solar power by country|solar]] and [[w:Wind power by country|wind resources]]. The fact that we can hope to generate a large percentage of our power from renewables is the exception rather than the rule. That’s why, even as we deploy, deploy, deploy solar and wind, the world is going to need some new clean electricity inventions too.
** [[Bill Gates]], from pages 83 and 84 of his book [[w:How to Avoid a Climate Disaster|''How to Avoid a Climate Disaster'' (2021)]].

* Over the past decade, [[w:Wind power#Wind power capacity and production|installed wind capacity]] has grown by an average of 20 percent a year, and [[w:Wind turbine|wind turbines]] now provide about 5 percent of [[w:World energy supply and consumption#Electricity generators are driven by|the world's electricity]]. Wind is growing for one simple reason: [[w:Wind power#Electric power cost and trends|It's getting cheaper]].
** [[Bill Gates]], from page 193 of his book [[w:How to Avoid a Climate Disaster|''How to Avoid a Climate Disaster'' (2021)]].

====COP26 Climate Conference in Scotland, UK====

[[w:2021 United Nations Climate Change Conference|26th United Nations Climate Change Conference (or &quot;COP26&quot;)]], held in Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom from October 31st to November 13th, 2021

[[File:Official portrait of the Prime Minister Narendra Modi, November 2020 (cropped).jpg|thumb|&quot;India will take its non-fossil energy capacity to 500 gigawatts by 2030, [and] India will meet 50 percent of [[w:Electricity sector in India|its energy requirements]] from [[w:Renewable energy in India|renewable energy]] by 2030.&quot; - [[Narendra Modi]], Prime Minister of India since 2014, addressing the COP26 international climate conference. (Nov. 2, 2021)]]

* [[Global warming|Climate change]] is already . . . [[w:Economic impacts of climate change|costing our nations trillions of dollars]] [and] we know that none of us can escape [[w:Effects of climate change|the worst that’s yet to come if we fail to seize this moment]]. . . . But . . . within the growing catastrophe, I believe there’s an [[w:Green growth|incredible opportunity . . . .  We have the ability to invest in ourselves]] and build an equitable [[w:Sustainable energy|clean-energy]] future and in the process create [[w:Full employment|millions of good-paying jobs]] [while we] [[w:Environmental justice|create an environment that raises the standard of living]] around the world. . . . When I talk to the American people about climate change, I tell them it’s about [[w:Green job|jobs]].  It’s about workers [and the] communities that will [[w:Green economy|revitalize themselves around new industries and opportunities]]. . . . So, [[w:Climate change mitigation|let’s get to work]].
** [[Joe Biden]], President of the United States, on Day 2 of [[w:2021 United Nations Climate Change Conference|the climate conference]] (excerpted from [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/11/01/remarks-by-president-biden-at-the-cop26-leaders-statement/ &quot;Remarks by President Biden at the COP26 Leaders Statement&quot;] at whitehouse.gov). (November 1, 2021)

*We are aware that [[w:List of countries by greenhouse gas emissions|the industrialised countries have a particular responsibility]]. . . . [[w:Climate finance|The financing]] is essential if the industrialised countries are to maintain their credibility. . . . Ladies and gentlemen, with government activities alone we will not make progress. For this requires radical transformation of [[w:Individual action on climate change|how we live]], [[w:Climate change mitigation|work and conduct business]]. I therefore want to take this opportunity to make a very clear appeal for [[w:Carbon price|pricing for CO2 emissions]]. With this form of pricing, [[w:European Union Emissions Trading System|which we already have in the European Union]], which is [[w:Chinese national carbon trading scheme|to be introduced in China]] and which needs to be developed together with many others throughout the world, we could get our industries and businesses to find the technologically most effective and efficient ways to achieve [[w:Carbon neutrality|climate neutrality]]. We need to work out [[w:Low-carbon economy|how we can best integrate CO2-free mobility, CO2-free industry and CO2-free processes into our lives]]. My clear call in the Decade of Action, in the decade in which we now live, is for us to become more ambitious at a national level and at the same time to find global instruments that not only make use of [[w:Tax|taxpayers’ money]] but are also [[w:Efficiency|economically viable]]. And for me, the answer is CO2 pricing.
**[[Angela Merkel]], Chancellor of Germany from 2005 to 2021, on Day 2 of [[w:2021 United Nations Climate Change Conference|the COP26 climate conference]] (excerpted from [https://www.bundesregierung.de/breg-en/news/speech-by-federal-chancellor-dr-angela-merkel-on-the-occasion-of-the-world-leaders-summit-at-the-26th-conference-of-the-parties-to-the-unfccc-cop26-in-glasgow-on-1-november-2021-1974784 &quot;Speech by Federal Chancellor Dr Angela Merkel on the occasion of the World Leaders’ Summit at the 26th Conference of the Parties to the UNFCCC (COP26) in Glasgow on 1 November 2021&quot;] at bundesregierung.de). (November 1, 2021)

*In the midst of this global brainstorming on [[global warming|climate change]], on behalf of India, I would like to present five [commitments] to deal with this challenge. First - India will take its non-fossil energy capacity to 500 gigawatts by 2030. Second - India will meet 50 percent of [[w:Electricity sector in India|its energy requirements]] from [[w:Renewable energy in India|renewable energy]] by 2030. . . . And fifth - by the year 2070, India will [[w:Carbon neutrality|achieve the target of Net Zero]]. . . . Today, when India has resolved to move forward with a new commitment and a new energy, the transfer of [[w:Climate finance|climate finance]] and low cost [[w:Clean technology|climate technologies]] have become more important. . . . India also understands [[w:Climate change and poverty|the suffering of all other developing countries]], shares them, and will continue to express [[w:climate justice|their expectations]].
** [[Narendra Modi]], Prime Minister of India since 2014, on Day 3 of [[w:2021 United Nations Climate Change Conference|the COP26 climate conference]] (excerpted from [https://www.mea.gov.in/Speeches-Statements.htm?dtl/34466/National+Statement+by+Prime+Minister+Shri+Narendra+Modi+at+COP26+Summit+in+Glasgow &quot;National Statement by Prime Minister Shri Narendra Modi at COP26 Summit in Glasgow&quot;] at mea.gov.in). (November 2, 2021)

===2022 and later===

* [T]he solution has to be real economy government regulations to ban or to make higher [the] cost of the brown and polluting industries. That said, there are parts of finance which are longer-term and [evaluate] [[w:Climate risk|climate risks]] . . . and these are asset owners, the pension funds, the wealth funds and the insurance companies who are not so transactional [and] they’re not [as] interested in a deal to be done today. And they are in fact often mandated by their governments to take into account climate risk. So, I think those players will step up in this instance [turmoil in energy markets following [[w:Economic impact of the 2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine#Impact on markets|Russia's 2022 invasion of Ukraine]]] and [now who might be] investing for [an electricity generation project with a] 10-year horizon which you have to do with gas they will [say], &quot;Let’s do it with renewables.&quot; And we’ve seen movements like that in the UK, where they’re pivoting towards [[w:Wind power|onshore wind]], which before the invasion was politically unviable because of the [[w:NIMBY|NIMBY factor]]. . . . [T]he pension funds and the actual asset owners . . . have a longer term of perspective. And they are actually driving the issue to their [[w:Category:Money managers|commercial managers who have to service them]] and they’re saying, &quot;Look, we want you to act on climate change,&quot; and that's a huge driver.
** Dylan Tanner, executive director of Influence Map (a London-based think tank &quot;that provides data and analysis on how business and finance are affecting the climate crisis&quot;), in an interview on the [[w:Climate One|Climate One podcast]] entitled [https://www.climateone.org/audio/big-money-investment-managers-driving-corporate-action &quot;Big Money: Investment Managers Driving Corporate Action&quot;.] (May 6, 2022)

* [A]s an [[w:Atmospheric science|atmospheric scientist]] and [[w:Environmental engineering|environmental engineer]], I focus most on [[w:Environmental technology|technologies]] — that’s what we think about most of what we need to be able to [[w:Renewable energy|clean up electricity]], what we need for [[w:Green vehicle|cleaner cars]]. But those aren’t going to [[w:Commercialization|make it to market]] and those aren’t going to [[w:Climate change mitigation|help cool the climate]] unless there are [[w:Climate change policy of the United States|policies that get those to be deployed domestically]]. And what we do domestically isn’t enough because [[w:List of countries by greenhouse gas emissions|we’re only 1/7th of the world’s emissions]], so we need diplomacy to take what we do here in the U.S. and make sure that that starts being applied in other parts of the world as well. . . . [A]s I was looking at the diplomacy [I noticed that what] the United States really gets right is being reciprocal . . . when we do something, we usually insist that [[w:List of the largest trading partners of the United States|our trading partners]] go along as well. You even hear in Congress talk about if we ever did have a [[w:Carbon tax|carbon tax]], being sure it got applied as [[w:Carbon tax#Border adjustments, tariffs and bans|tariffs on goods that got brought in]].
** [https://profiles.rice.edu/faculty/daniel-cohan Daniel S. Cohan,] professor of Civil and Environmental Engineering at Rice University, in an interview on the [[w:Marketplace (radio program)|''Marketplace Morning Report'' radio program]] entitled [https://www.marketplace.org/2022/05/30/a-3-pronged-approach-for-adopting-clean-power/ &quot;A 3-pronged approach for adopting clean power&quot;,] in which he discusses his book [https://books.google.com/books/about/Confronting_Climate_Gridlock.html?id=qC-PzgEACAAJ ''Confronting Climate Gridlock: How Diplomacy, Technology, and Policy Can Unlock a Clean Energy Future'' (March 29, 2022). Yale University Press.] ISBN 9780300251678. (May 30, 2022)

* [[w:Swanson's law|Solar has plunged by 90% in cost]]. [[w:Cost of electricity by source|Wind has plunged by 80% just in the past 11 or 12 years]]. . . . Things like [[w:Grid parity|wind and solar power really can already out-compete dirtier forms of electricity]], and [https://www.iea.org/news/renewable-electricity-growth-is-accelerating-faster-than-ever-worldwide-supporting-the-emergence-of-the-new-global-energy-economy we just need to build more of them quickly; we’re not adding them fast enough]. There are other technologies where we really need a big breakthrough. We don’t yet have affordable enough [[w:Heat pump|heat pumps]]. We don’t yet have a next generation [[w:Nuclear power|nuclear technology]] that’s cheap enough, if we ever will. [[w:Geothermal energy|Geothermal]] is really at the cusp of becoming something that I think could really take off. What I also see, though, is that what carries those cutting-edge technologies to the cheaper cost can’t just happen in the lab. [[w:Renewable energy commercialization#Public policy landscape|We need policies that pull those into the market]], that get them adopted more — because if we can [[w:Early adopter|adopt them while they’re at that edge; while they’re not quite cheap enough]], that can drive the [[w:Economies of scale|economies of scale]]; that can drive what technologists call [[w:Learning curve|learning by doing]].
** [https://profiles.rice.edu/faculty/daniel-cohan Daniel S. Cohan,] professor of Civil and Environmental Engineering at Rice University, in an interview on the [[w:Marketplace (radio program)|''Marketplace Morning Report'' radio program]] entitled [https://www.marketplace.org/2022/05/30/a-3-pronged-approach-for-adopting-clean-power/ &quot;A 3-pronged approach for adopting clean power&quot;,] in which he discusses his book [https://books.google.com/books/about/Confronting_Climate_Gridlock.html?id=qC-PzgEACAAJ ''Confronting Climate Gridlock: How Diplomacy, Technology, and Policy Can Unlock a Clean Energy Future'' (March 29, 2022). Yale University Press.] ISBN 9780300251678. (May 30, 2022)

==See also==
* [[Green New Deal]]
'''Wikipedia Articles''')
* [[w:List of renewable energy topics by country|List of renewable energy topics by country]]
* [[w: solar energy|Solar energy]]
* [[w:Sustainable energy|Sustainable energy]]
* [[w:Wave power|Wave power]]
* [[w:Wind power|Wind power]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{wiktionary}}

[[Category:Climate change]]
[[Category:Energy]]
[[Category:Environmentalism]]
[[Category:Sustainability]]
[[Category:Technology]]</text>
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      <text bytes="33176" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Renewable energy|Renewable energy]]''' is energy that is collected from [[w:renewable resource|renewable resource]]s that are naturally replenished on a [[w:Orders of magnitude (time)|human timescale]]. It includes sources such as [[sunlight]], [[w:wind power|wind]], [[rain]], [[w:tidal power|tides]], [[w:wave power|waves]], and [[w:geothermal energy|geothermal heat]]. Renewable energy stands in contrast to [[fossil fuel]]s, which are being used far more quickly than they are being replenished. Although most renewable energy sources are [[w:sustainable energy|sustainable]], some are not. For example, some [[w:biomass|biomass]] sources are considered unsustainable at current rates of exploitation.

[[File:Combined heat and power solar installation on barn roof in Western Europe 2.jpg|thumb|&quot;I'd put my money on the sun and [[w:Solar energy|solar energy]]. What a [[w:Electricity generation|source of power]]!&quot; - [[Thomas Edison]] in [https://www.nytimes.com/2007/06/03/magazine/03wwln-essay-t.html a conversation shortly before his death in 1931.] (This photo shows a combined heat and power solar installation on a barn roof in Germany.)]]

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== Quotes ==
[[File:Xingquanbao.eoliennes.jpg|thumb|&quot;[[w:Cost of electricity by source|Wind [power cost] has plunged by 80% just in the past 11 or 12 years]]. . . . Things like [[w:Grid parity|wind and solar power really can already out-compete dirtier forms of electricity]], and we just need to build more of them quickly; [as of May, 2022] we’re not adding them fast enough.&quot; - Daniel Cohan, Rice University. (This photo shows wind turbines in Gansu province, China.)]]

===Before 2001===

* I'd put my money on the sun and [[w:Solar energy|solar energy]]. What a [[w:Electricity generation|source of power]]! I hope we don’t have to wait until [[w:Oil depletion|oil]] and [[w:Non-renewable resource|coal run out]] before we tackle that.
** [[Thomas Edison]] (in a conversation shortly before his death in 1931), as quoted in [https://www.nytimes.com/2007/06/03/magazine/03wwln-essay-t.html a June 3, 2007 essay entitled &quot;Current Thinking&quot; by the journalist and documentary filmmaker Heather Rogers published in ''The New York Times Magazine''.]

===2001 to 2010===

* Although photosynthesis typically has an energy conversion efficiency below three percent, it is, together with heat from the sun, the main energy source of all living organisms, and the energy source from which biomass and fossil fuels are derived. Each year the earth receives an energy input from the sun equal to 15,000 times the world's commercial energy consumption and 100 times the world's proven coal, gas and oil reserves.
** Bernhard Scheffler, quoted by J. Clarke and D. Holt-Biddle in Coming Back to Earth, p. 78 (2002)

* There is one forecast of which you can already be sure: someday renewable energy will be the only way for people to satisfy their energy needs. Because of the physical, ecological and (therefore) social limits to nuclear and fossil energy use, ultimately nobody will be able to circumvent renewable energy as the solution, even if it turns out to be everybody’s last remaining choice. The question keeping everyone in suspense, however, is whether we shall succeed in making this radical change of energy platforms happen early enough to spare the world irreversible ecological mutilation and political and economic catastrophe.
** [[w:Hermann Scheer|Hermann Scheer]], member of the German Bundestag and President of the European Association for Renewable Energy, in his book [http://www.earthscan.co.uk/Portals/0/Files/Sample%20Chapters/9781844073559.pdf ''Energy Autonomy: The Economic, Social and Technological Case for Renewable Energy'' (2006).] Routledge Taylor &amp; Francis Group. ISBN 9781844073559.

===2011 to 2020===

*More solar energy falls on Earth in one hour than all the energy our civilization consumes in an entire year. If we could harness a tiny fraction of the available solar and wind power, we could supply all our energy needs forever, and without adding any carbon to the atmosphere.
** From the [[w:Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey#Twelfth Episode: The World Set Free|twelfth episode]] of the U.S. science documentary television series ''[[w:Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey|Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey]]'', first broadcast on June 1, 2014.

* Every percentage point increase in homegrown renewable energy makes us that much more energy secure. The progress in electricity is encouraging, but growth is not yet strong enough in renewable heat and transport to meet the government's objectives.
** Nina Skorupska, chief executive of the UK's Renewable Energy Association, as quoted in [http://www.theguardian.com/environment/2014/jun/26/wind-renewables-generated-fifth-britain-electricity-energy &quot;Wind and other renewables generated a fifth of Britain's electricity in early 2014&quot;] ''The Guardian.'' June 26, 2014.

* One of the [[w:Disruptive innovation|real breakthroughs]] is when someone figures out [[w:Energy storage|long-term storage capacity]].
** [[George Shultz]], US statesman and economist, discussing the need for improvements in batteries or other energy storage technology to better integrate [[w:Solar energy|solar]] and [[w:Wind energy|wind energy]] into the [[w:Electrical grid|electrical grid]], as quoted in [https://news.mit.edu/2014/george-shultz-climate-change-mit-talk-1001 &quot;George Shultz: 'Climate is changing,' and we need more action: Former secretary of state - and former MIT professor - urges progress on multiple fronts&quot;] ''MIT News.'' October 1, 2014.

[[File:Bill Gates MSC 2017 (cropped).jpg|thumb|[https://www.ft.com/content/4f66ff5c-1a47-11e5-a130-2e7db721f996 &quot;The only way you can get to the very positive {CO&lt;sub&gt;2&lt;/sub&gt; reduction} scenario is by great innovation. Innovation really does bend the curve&quot;] - Bill Gates, global philanthropist and founder of Microsoft.]]
* The only way you can get to the very positive scenario is by great [[innovation]]. [[w:Innovation|Innovation really does bend the curve]].
** [[Bill Gates]], global philanthropist and founder of Microsoft, arguing that the cost of reducing CO&lt;sub&gt;2&lt;/sub&gt; emissions using existing technologies is &quot;beyond astronomical.&quot; From [https://www.ft.com/content/4f66ff5c-1a47-11e5-a130-2e7db721f996 &quot;Gates to double investment in renewable energy projects: Microsoft co-founder takes interest in new areas of research like in solar, high wind and new nuclear&quot;] ''Financial Times.'' June 25, 2015.

* If you told me that [[innovation]] had been frozen and we just have today's technologies, will the world run the climate change experiment? You bet we will. We will not deny India coal plants; we will run the scary experiment of heating up the atmosphere and seeing what happens. The only reason I'm optimistic about this problem is because of [[w:Innovation|innovation]]. . . . I want to tilt the odds in our favor by driving innovation at an unnaturally high pace, or more than its current business-as-usual course. I see that as the only thing. I want to call up India someday and say, &quot;Here's a source of energy that is cheaper than your coal plants, and by the way, from a global pollution and local pollution point of view, it's also better.&quot;
** [[Bill Gates]], in [https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2015/11/we-need-an-energy-miracle/407881/ &quot;We need an energy miracle&quot; (Interview with Bill Gates).] ''The Atlantic.'' November 2015 issue.

* Cheaper coal and cheaper gas will not derail the transformation and decarbonisation of the world’s power systems. By 2040, zero-emission energy sources will make up 60% of installed capacity.
** Bloomberg New Energy Finance report entitled [https://www.bloomberg.com/company/new-energy-outlook &quot;New Energy Outlook 2016 (An annual long-term view of how the world's power markets will evolve in the future)&quot;].

* We have long supported a [[w:carbon tax|carbon tax]] as the best policy of those being considered. Replacing the hodge-podge of current, largely ineffective regulations with a revenue-neutral carbon tax would ensure a uniform and predictable [[w:Carbon price|cost of carbon]] across the economy. It would allow market forces to drive solutions. It would maximize transparency, reduce administrative complexity, promote global participation and easily adjust to future developments in our understanding of climate science as well as the policy consequences of these actions.
** [[Rex Tillerson]], Chairman and CEO of ExxonMobil, in a speech entitled [http://corporate.exxonmobil.com/en/company/news-and-updates/speeches/the-path-forward-in-todays-energy-environment &quot;The Path Forward in Today’s Energy Environment&quot;] delivered at the 37th Annual Oil and Money Conference in London on October 19, 2016.

* Rather than an eyesore on the roof, it becomes actually a feature of the home. People are going to start wanting to put [[w:Building-integrated photovoltaics|{building-integrated photovoltaics}]] on the front side of their home to show that they have solar.
** Christopher Klinga, technical director of the (U.S.-based) Architectural Solar Association, as quoted in [http://www.nbcnews.com/mach/innovation/next-solar-energy-revolution-hiding-plain-sight-n742111 &quot;The Next Solar Energy Revolution Is Hiding in Plain Sight.&quot;] NBCNews.com. April 10, 2017.

* [W]ind and solar power have been rapidly winning market acceptance. Last year, the installed capacity of solar power in the United States nearly doubled. And wind is now being harnessed to produce 5.5 percent of America’s electricity, according to the [[w:Energy Information Administration |U.S. Energy Information Administration]].
** Norm Alster, journalist, in [https://www.nytimes.com/2017/04/15/business/mutfund/trump-coal-renewable-investing.html &quot;Investing in Solar and Wind in a Coal and Oil Moment.&quot;] ''The New York Times.'' April 15, 2017.

[[File:Abraham Archibald Anderson - Thomas Alva Edison - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|&quot;The next big act belongs to the [[Engineering|engineers]]. [https://www.project-syndicate.org/commentary/cop24-rulebook-time-for-engineers-by-jeffrey-d-sachs-2018-12 Energy transformation for climate safety is our twenty-first-century moonshot.&quot;] - [[Jeffrey Sachs]], development economist. (Pictured above is [[Thomas Edison]], considered one of the greatest [[Invention|inventors]] and engineers of all time.)]]
* The transition to renewable energy can be greatly accelerated if the world’s governments finally bring the [[Engineering|engineers]] to the fore... I was recently on a panel with three economists and a senior business-sector engineer. After the economists spoke... the engineer spoke succinctly and wisely. “I don’t really understand what you economists were just speaking about, but I do have a suggestion... Tell us engineers the desired ‘specs’ and the timeline, and we’ll get the job done.” This is not bravado.... The next big act belongs to the engineers. [[w:Energy transition|Energy transformation]] for [[w:Climate security|climate safety]] is our twenty-first-century [[Apollo 11|moonshot]]. 
** [[Jeffrey Sachs]] in [https://www.project-syndicate.org/commentary/cop24-rulebook-time-for-engineers-by-jeffrey-d-sachs-2018-12 ''For Climate Safety, Call in the Engineers, Project Syndicate'']  (20 December 2018)

[[File:VCY CG CB CV cent grp 121613 0517 02844 (13896600480).jpg|thumb|&quot;A [[w:carbon tax|carbon tax]] will send a powerful price signal that harnesses the invisible hand of the marketplace to steer economic actors towards a low-carbon future.&quot; - [https://clcouncil.org/economists-statement/ &quot;Economists’ Statement on Carbon Dividends&quot;] signed by more than 3,500 economists, including every living former chair of the US Federal Reserve (pictured, from left to right: Janet Yellen, Alan Greenspan, Ben Bernanke and Paul Volcker).]]
* A [[w:carbon tax|carbon tax]] offers the most cost-effective lever to reduce carbon emissions at the scale and speed that is necessary. By correcting a well-known market failure, a carbon tax will send a powerful price signal that harnesses the invisible hand of the marketplace to steer economic actors towards a low-carbon future. . . . A consistently rising carbon price will encourage technological [[innovation]] and large-scale infrastructure development.
** &quot;Economists’ Statement on Carbon Dividends: Bipartisan agreement on how to combat climate change.&quot; (Statement signed by more than 3,500 economists, including every living former chair of the U.S. Federal Reserve and 27 Nobel laureates.)
*** [https://www.wsj.com/articles/economists-statement-on-carbon-dividends-11547682910 Economists’ Statement on Carbon Dividends (The statement's original publication - subscription required to view in full.)] ''The Wall Street Journal.'' January 16, 2019.
*** [https://clcouncil.org/economists-statement/ Economists’ Statement on Carbon Dividends (Republication - no subscription needed to view.)] Republished by the Climate Leadership Council. Originally published on January 16, 2019.

* [[w:Offshore wind power|Offshore wind]]'s remarkable potential: [[w:List of offshore wind farms|The global offshore wind market]] grew nearly 30% per year between 2010 and 2018, benefitting from rapid technology improvements and about 150 new offshore wind projects . . . in active development around the world. . . . Yet today's offshore wind market doesn't even come close to tapping the full potential - with high-quality resources available in most major markets, offshore wind has the potential to generate more than 420,000 [terawatt-hours] per year worldwide. This is more than 18 times [[w:Electric energy consumption|global electricity demand today]].
** [https://www.iea.org/reports/offshore-wind-outlook-2019 &quot;Offshore Wind Outlook 2019: World Energy Outlook special report.&quot;] [[w:International Energy Agency|International Energy Agency]]. (November, 2019)

* [[w:Offshore wind power|Offshore wind]] is in a category of its own, as the only [[w:Variable renewable energy|variable]] [[w:Base load|baseload]] power generation technology. . . . Offshore wind output . . . hourly variability is lower than that of solar [photovoltaics]. Offshore wind typically fluctuates within a narrower band, up to 20% from hour-to-hour, than is the case for solar [photovoltaics], up to 40% from hour-to-hour.
** [https://www.iea.org/reports/offshore-wind-outlook-2019 &quot;Offshore Wind Outlook 2019: World Energy Outlook special report.&quot;] [[w:International Energy Agency|International Energy Agency]]. (November, 2019)

* The clean energy portfolios of some of the largest corporate buyers rival those of the world’s biggest utilities. These companies are facing mounting pressure from investors to [[w:Low-carbon economy|decarbonize]] - [[w:Power purchase agreement|clean energy contracts]] serve as a way to [[w:Energy management|diversify energy spend]] and reduce susceptibility to the tangible [[w:Climate risk|risks associated with climate change]].
** Kyle Harrison, sustainability analyst at [[w:Bloomberg L.P.#New Energy Finance|BloombergNEF]] and lead author of its ''1H 2020 Corporate Energy Market Outlook'' report, as quoted in a summary discussing the report entitled [https://about.bnef.com/blog/corporate-clean-energy-buying-leapt-44-in-2019-sets-new-record/ &quot;Corporate Clean Energy Buying Leapt 44% in 2019, Sets New Record&quot;], published on January 28, 2020.

* [N]ew [[w:Cost of electricity by source|renewable power generation projects now increasingly undercut existing coal-fired plants]]. On average, new [[w:Solar energy|solar]] [[w:Photovoltaics|photovoltaic (PV)]] and onshore [[w:Wind power|wind power]] cost less than keeping many existing [[w:Coal-fired power station|coal plants]] in operation, and [[w:Electricity market|auction]] results show this trend accelerating – reinforcing the case to [[w:Coal phase-out|phase-out coal]] entirely.
** [[w:International Renewable Energy Agency|International Renewable Energy Agency]] press release entitled [https://www.irena.org/newsroom/pressreleases/2020/Jun/Renewables-Increasingly-Beat-Even-Cheapest-Coal-Competitors-on-Cost &quot;Renewables Increasingly Beat Even Cheapest Coal Competitors on Cost: Competitive power generation costs make investment in renewables highly attractive as countries target economic recovery from COVID-19, new IRENA report finds.&quot;] June 2, 2020.

* I think it’s clear now that [[w:Sustainable energy | energy has to be clean]]. . . . And [[w:Renewable energy commercialization | we should do it in ways that give jobs to everybody]]. . . . There’s [[w:Renewable energy transition | so much to do in renewable power]], there is [[w:Coal-fired power station | so little to do in coal]].
** [[w:William McDonough|William McDonough]], as quoted in [https://www.marketplace.org/2020/08/19/pollution-climate-change-waste-economy-architect-william-mcdonough/ &quot;Eliminating the concept of waste from the economy&quot;], from the ''Marketplace Morning Report'' segment of the US National Public Radio ''Morning Edition'' program, August 19, 2020.

===2021===

====How to Avoid a Climate Disaster (book)====

''How to Avoid a Climate Disaster: The Solutions We Have and the Breakthroughs We Need''. Book published by Alfred A. Knopf on February 16, 2021. ISBN 9780385546133 (hardcover), ISBN 9780385546140 (e-book). &lt;br /&gt; 
[[How to Avoid a Climate Disaster | Main Wikiquote page for ''How to Avoid a Climate Disaster'']] &lt;br /&gt; 
[[w:How to Avoid a Climate Disaster | Wikipedia page for ''How to Avoid a Climate Disaster'']]

[[File:Renewable Energy on the Grid.jpg|thumb|&quot;Deploying today’s [[w:Renewable energy|renewables]] and improving [[w:Electric power transmission|transmission]] couldn’t be more important. [And] even as we deploy, deploy, deploy [[w:Solar power|solar]] and [[w:Wind power|wind]], the world is going to need some new clean electricity inventions too.&quot; - [[Bill Gates]], from his book, [[w:How to Avoid a Climate Disaster|''How to Avoid a Climate Disaster'' (2021)]].]]

* When it comes to climate change, I know [[innovation]] isn’t the only thing we need. But we cannot [[w:Climate change mitigation|keep the earth livable]] without it. [[w:Environmental technology|Techno-fixes]] are not sufficient, but they are necessary.
** [[Bill Gates]], from page 14 of his book [[w:How to Avoid a Climate Disaster|''How to Avoid a Climate Disaster'' (2021)]].

* [W]e’re going to need ''much'' more [[w:Clean electricity|clean electricity]] in the coming years. Most experts agree that as we [[w:Electrification|electrify]] other [[w:Emission intensity|carbon-intensive processes]] like [[w:Steelmaking|making steel]] and [[w:Electric car|running cars]], [[w:World energy supply and consumption|the world’s electricity supply]] will need to double or even triple by 2050. And that doesn’t even account for population growth, or the fact that people will get richer and use more electricity. So the world will need much more than three times [[w:Electricity generation|the electricity we generate now]].
** [[Bill Gates]], from page 79 of his book [[w:How to Avoid a Climate Disaster|''How to Avoid a Climate Disaster'' (2021)]].

* Deploying today’s [[w:Renewable energy|renewables]] and improving [[w:Electric power transmission|transmission]] couldn’t be more important. . . . Unless we use large amounts of [[w:Nuclear power|nuclear energy]] . . . every path to zero [net emissions] in the United States will require us to install as much [[w:Wind power|wind]] and [[w:Solar power|solar power]] as we can build and find room for. It’s hard to say exactly [[w:Electricity sector of the United States|how much of America’s electricity will come from renewables]] in the end, but what we do know is that between now and 2050 we have to build them much faster - on the order of 5 to 10 times faster - than we’re doing right now. And remember that most countries aren’t as lucky as the United States when it comes to [[w:Solar power by country|solar]] and [[w:Wind power by country|wind resources]]. The fact that we can hope to generate a large percentage of our power from renewables is the exception rather than the rule. That’s why, even as we deploy, deploy, deploy solar and wind, the world is going to need some new clean electricity inventions too.
** [[Bill Gates]], from pages 83 and 84 of his book [[w:How to Avoid a Climate Disaster|''How to Avoid a Climate Disaster'' (2021)]].

* Over the past decade, [[w:Wind power#Wind power capacity and production|installed wind capacity]] has grown by an average of 20 percent a year, and [[w:Wind turbine|wind turbines]] now provide about 5 percent of [[w:World energy supply and consumption#Electricity generators are driven by|the world's electricity]]. Wind is growing for one simple reason: [[w:Wind power#Electric power cost and trends|It's getting cheaper]].
** [[Bill Gates]], from page 193 of his book [[w:How to Avoid a Climate Disaster|''How to Avoid a Climate Disaster'' (2021)]].

====COP26 Climate Conference in Scotland, UK====

[[w:2021 United Nations Climate Change Conference|26th United Nations Climate Change Conference (or &quot;COP26&quot;)]], held in Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom from October 31st to November 13th, 2021

[[File:Official portrait of the Prime Minister Narendra Modi, November 2020 (cropped).jpg|thumb|&quot;India will take its non-fossil energy capacity to 500 gigawatts by 2030, [and] India will meet 50 percent of [[w:Electricity sector in India|its energy requirements]] from [[w:Renewable energy in India|renewable energy]] by 2030.&quot; - [[Narendra Modi]], Prime Minister of India since 2014, addressing the COP26 international climate conference. (Nov. 2, 2021)]]

* [[Global warming|Climate change]] is already . . . [[w:Economic impacts of climate change|costing our nations trillions of dollars]] [and] we know that none of us can escape [[w:Effects of climate change|the worst that’s yet to come if we fail to seize this moment]]. . . . But . . . within the growing catastrophe, I believe there’s an [[w:Green growth|incredible opportunity . . . .  We have the ability to invest in ourselves]] and build an equitable [[w:Sustainable energy|clean-energy]] future and in the process create [[w:Full employment|millions of good-paying jobs]] [while we] [[w:Environmental justice|create an environment that raises the standard of living]] around the world. . . . When I talk to the American people about climate change, I tell them it’s about [[w:Green job|jobs]].  It’s about workers [and the] communities that will [[w:Green economy|revitalize themselves around new industries and opportunities]]. . . . So, [[w:Climate change mitigation|let’s get to work]].
** [[Joe Biden]], President of the United States, on Day 2 of [[w:2021 United Nations Climate Change Conference|the climate conference]] (excerpted from [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/11/01/remarks-by-president-biden-at-the-cop26-leaders-statement/ &quot;Remarks by President Biden at the COP26 Leaders Statement&quot;] at whitehouse.gov). (November 1, 2021)

*We are aware that [[w:List of countries by greenhouse gas emissions|the industrialised countries have a particular responsibility]]. . . . [[w:Climate finance|The financing]] is essential if the industrialised countries are to maintain their credibility. . . . Ladies and gentlemen, with government activities alone we will not make progress. For this requires radical transformation of [[w:Individual action on climate change|how we live]], [[w:Climate change mitigation|work and conduct business]]. I therefore want to take this opportunity to make a very clear appeal for [[w:Carbon price|pricing for CO2 emissions]]. With this form of pricing, [[w:European Union Emissions Trading System|which we already have in the European Union]], which is [[w:Chinese national carbon trading scheme|to be introduced in China]] and which needs to be developed together with many others throughout the world, we could get our industries and businesses to find the technologically most effective and efficient ways to achieve [[w:Carbon neutrality|climate neutrality]]. We need to work out [[w:Low-carbon economy|how we can best integrate CO2-free mobility, CO2-free industry and CO2-free processes into our lives]]. My clear call in the Decade of Action, in the decade in which we now live, is for us to become more ambitious at a national level and at the same time to find global instruments that not only make use of [[w:Tax|taxpayers’ money]] but are also [[w:Efficiency|economically viable]]. And for me, the answer is CO2 pricing.
**[[Angela Merkel]], Chancellor of Germany from 2005 to 2021, on Day 2 of [[w:2021 United Nations Climate Change Conference|the COP26 climate conference]] (excerpted from [https://www.bundesregierung.de/breg-en/news/speech-by-federal-chancellor-dr-angela-merkel-on-the-occasion-of-the-world-leaders-summit-at-the-26th-conference-of-the-parties-to-the-unfccc-cop26-in-glasgow-on-1-november-2021-1974784 &quot;Speech by Federal Chancellor Dr Angela Merkel on the occasion of the World Leaders’ Summit at the 26th Conference of the Parties to the UNFCCC (COP26) in Glasgow on 1 November 2021&quot;] at bundesregierung.de). (November 1, 2021)

*In the midst of this global brainstorming on [[global warming|climate change]], on behalf of India, I would like to present five [commitments] to deal with this challenge. First - India will take its non-fossil energy capacity to 500 gigawatts by 2030. Second - India will meet 50 percent of [[w:Electricity sector in India|its energy requirements]] from [[w:Renewable energy in India|renewable energy]] by 2030. . . . And fifth - by the year 2070, India will [[w:Carbon neutrality|achieve the target of Net Zero]]. . . . Today, when India has resolved to move forward with a new commitment and a new energy, the transfer of [[w:Climate finance|climate finance]] and low cost [[w:Clean technology|climate technologies]] have become more important. . . . India also understands [[w:Climate change and poverty|the suffering of all other developing countries]], shares them, and will continue to express [[w:climate justice|their expectations]].
** [[Narendra Modi]], Prime Minister of India since 2014, on Day 3 of [[w:2021 United Nations Climate Change Conference|the COP26 climate conference]] (excerpted from [https://www.mea.gov.in/Speeches-Statements.htm?dtl/34466/National+Statement+by+Prime+Minister+Shri+Narendra+Modi+at+COP26+Summit+in+Glasgow &quot;National Statement by Prime Minister Shri Narendra Modi at COP26 Summit in Glasgow&quot;] at mea.gov.in). (November 2, 2021)

===2022 and later===

* [T]he solution has to be real economy government regulations to ban or to make higher [the] cost of the brown and polluting industries. That said, there are parts of finance which are longer-term and [evaluate] [[w:Climate risk|climate risks]] . . . and these are asset owners, the pension funds, the wealth funds and the insurance companies who are not so transactional [and] they’re not [as] interested in a deal to be done today. And they are in fact often mandated by their governments to take into account climate risk. So, I think those players will step up in this instance [turmoil in energy markets following [[w:Economic impact of the 2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine#Impact on markets|Russia's 2022 invasion of Ukraine]]] and [now who might be] investing for [an electricity generation project with a] 10-year horizon which you have to do with gas they will [say], &quot;Let’s do it with renewables.&quot; And we’ve seen movements like that in the UK, where they’re pivoting towards [[w:Wind power|onshore wind]], which before the invasion was politically unviable because of the [[w:NIMBY|NIMBY factor]]. . . . [T]he pension funds and the actual asset owners . . . have a longer term of perspective. And they are actually driving the issue to their [[w:Category:Money managers|commercial managers who have to service them]] and they’re saying, &quot;Look, we want you to act on climate change,&quot; and that's a huge driver.
** Dylan Tanner, executive director of Influence Map (a London-based think tank &quot;that provides data and analysis on how business and finance are affecting the climate crisis&quot;), in an interview on the [[w:Climate One|Climate One podcast]] entitled [https://www.climateone.org/audio/big-money-investment-managers-driving-corporate-action &quot;Big Money: Investment Managers Driving Corporate Action&quot;.] (May 6, 2022)

* [A]s an [[w:Atmospheric science|atmospheric scientist]] and [[w:Environmental engineering|environmental engineer]], I focus most on [[w:Environmental technology|technologies]] — that’s what we think about most of what we need to be able to [[w:Renewable energy|clean up electricity]], what we need for [[w:Green vehicle|cleaner cars]]. But those aren’t going to [[w:Commercialization|make it to market]] and those aren’t going to [[w:Climate change mitigation|help cool the climate]] unless there are [[w:Climate change policy of the United States|policies that get those to be deployed domestically]]. And what we do domestically isn’t enough because [[w:List of countries by greenhouse gas emissions|we’re only 1/7th of the world’s emissions]], so we need diplomacy to take what we do here in the U.S. and make sure that that starts being applied in other parts of the world as well. . . . [A]s I was looking at the diplomacy [I noticed that what] the United States really gets right is being reciprocal . . . when we do something, we usually insist that [[w:List of the largest trading partners of the United States|our trading partners]] go along as well. You even hear in Congress talk about if we ever did have a [[w:Carbon tax|carbon tax]], being sure it got applied as [[w:Carbon tax#Border adjustments, tariffs and bans|tariffs on goods that got brought in]].
** [https://profiles.rice.edu/faculty/daniel-cohan Daniel S. Cohan,] professor of Civil and Environmental Engineering at Rice University, in an interview on the [[w:Marketplace (radio program)|''Marketplace Morning Report'' radio program]] entitled [https://www.marketplace.org/2022/05/30/a-3-pronged-approach-for-adopting-clean-power/ &quot;A 3-pronged approach for adopting clean power&quot;,] in which he discusses his book [https://books.google.com/books/about/Confronting_Climate_Gridlock.html?id=qC-PzgEACAAJ ''Confronting Climate Gridlock: How Diplomacy, Technology, and Policy Can Unlock a Clean Energy Future'' (March 29, 2022). Yale University Press.] ISBN 9780300251678. (May 30, 2022)

* [[w:Swanson's law|Solar has plunged by 90% in cost]]. [[w:Cost of electricity by source|Wind has plunged by 80% just in the past 11 or 12 years]]. . . . Things like [[w:Grid parity|wind and solar power really can already out-compete dirtier forms of electricity]], and [https://www.iea.org/news/renewable-electricity-growth-is-accelerating-faster-than-ever-worldwide-supporting-the-emergence-of-the-new-global-energy-economy we just need to build more of them quickly; we’re not adding them fast enough]. There are other technologies where we really need a big breakthrough. We don’t yet have affordable enough [[w:Heat pump|heat pumps]]. We don’t yet have a next generation [[w:Nuclear power|nuclear technology]] that’s cheap enough, if we ever will. [[w:Geothermal energy|Geothermal]] is really at the cusp of becoming something that I think could really take off. What I also see, though, is that what carries those cutting-edge technologies to the cheaper cost can’t just happen in the lab. [[w:Renewable energy commercialization#Public policy landscape|We need policies that pull those into the market]], that get them adopted more — because if we can [[w:Early adopter|adopt them while they’re at that edge; while they’re not quite cheap enough]], that can drive the [[w:Economies of scale|economies of scale]]; that can drive what technologists call [[w:Learning curve|learning by doing]].
** [https://profiles.rice.edu/faculty/daniel-cohan Daniel S. Cohan,] professor of Civil and Environmental Engineering at Rice University, in an interview on the [[w:Marketplace (radio program)|''Marketplace Morning Report'' radio program]] entitled [https://www.marketplace.org/2022/05/30/a-3-pronged-approach-for-adopting-clean-power/ &quot;A 3-pronged approach for adopting clean power&quot;,] in which he discusses his book [https://books.google.com/books/about/Confronting_Climate_Gridlock.html?id=qC-PzgEACAAJ ''Confronting Climate Gridlock: How Diplomacy, Technology, and Policy Can Unlock a Clean Energy Future'' (March 29, 2022). Yale University Press.] ISBN 9780300251678. (May 30, 2022)

==See also==
* [[Green New Deal]]
'''Wikipedia Articles''')
* [[w:List of renewable energy topics by country|List of renewable energy topics by country]]
* [[w: solar energy|Solar energy]]
* [[w:Sustainable energy|Sustainable energy]]
* [[w:Wave power|Wave power]]
* [[w:Wind power|Wind power]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{wiktionary}}

[[Category:Climate change]]
[[Category:Energy]]
[[Category:Environmentalism]]
[[Category:Sustainability]]
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      <text bytes="33592" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Renewable energy|Renewable energy]]''' is energy that is collected from [[w:renewable resource|renewable resource]]s that are naturally replenished on a [[w:Orders of magnitude (time)|human timescale]]. It includes sources such as [[sunlight]], [[w:wind power|wind]], [[rain]], [[w:tidal power|tides]], [[w:wave power|waves]], and [[w:geothermal energy|geothermal heat]]. Renewable energy stands in contrast to [[fossil fuel]]s, which are being used far more quickly than they are being replenished. Although most renewable energy sources are [[w:sustainable energy|sustainable]], some are not. For example, some [[w:biomass|biomass]] sources are considered unsustainable at current rates of exploitation.

[[File:Combined heat and power solar installation on barn roof in Western Europe 2.jpg|thumb|&quot;I'd put my money on the sun and [[w:Solar energy|solar energy]]. What a [[w:Electricity generation|source of power]]!&quot; - [[Thomas Edison]] in [https://www.nytimes.com/2007/06/03/magazine/03wwln-essay-t.html a conversation shortly before his death in 1931.] (This photo shows a combined heat and power solar installation on a barn roof in Germany.)]]

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== Quotes ==
[[File:Xingquanbao.eoliennes.jpg|thumb|&quot;[[w:Cost of electricity by source|Wind [power cost] has plunged by 80% just in the past 11 or 12 years]]. . . . Things like [[w:Grid parity|wind and solar power really can already out-compete dirtier forms of electricity]], and we just need to build more of them quickly; [as of May, 2022] we’re not adding them fast enough.&quot; - Daniel Cohan, Rice University. (This photo shows wind turbines in Gansu province, China.)]]

===Before 2001===

* I'd put my money on the sun and [[w:Solar energy|solar energy]]. What a [[w:Electricity generation|source of power]]! I hope we don’t have to wait until [[w:Oil depletion|oil]] and [[w:Non-renewable resource|coal run out]] before we tackle that.
** [[Thomas Edison]] (in a conversation shortly before his death in 1931), as quoted in [https://www.nytimes.com/2007/06/03/magazine/03wwln-essay-t.html a June 3, 2007 essay entitled &quot;Current Thinking&quot; by the journalist and documentary filmmaker Heather Rogers published in ''The New York Times Magazine''.]

===2001 to 2010===

* Although photosynthesis typically has an energy conversion efficiency below three percent, it is, together with heat from the sun, the main energy source of all living organisms, and the energy source from which biomass and fossil fuels are derived. Each year the earth receives an energy input from the sun equal to 15,000 times the world's commercial energy consumption and 100 times the world's proven coal, gas and oil reserves.
** Bernhard Scheffler, quoted by J. Clarke and D. Holt-Biddle in Coming Back to Earth, p. 78 (2002)

* There is one forecast of which you can already be sure: someday renewable energy will be the only way for people to satisfy their energy needs. Because of the physical, ecological and (therefore) social limits to nuclear and fossil energy use, ultimately nobody will be able to circumvent renewable energy as the solution, even if it turns out to be everybody’s last remaining choice. The question keeping everyone in suspense, however, is whether we shall succeed in making this radical change of energy platforms happen early enough to spare the world irreversible ecological mutilation and political and economic catastrophe.
** [[w:Hermann Scheer|Hermann Scheer]], member of the German Bundestag and President of the European Association for Renewable Energy, in his book [http://www.earthscan.co.uk/Portals/0/Files/Sample%20Chapters/9781844073559.pdf ''Energy Autonomy: The Economic, Social and Technological Case for Renewable Energy'' (2006).] Routledge Taylor &amp; Francis Group. ISBN 9781844073559.

===2011 to 2020===

*More solar energy falls on Earth in one hour than all the energy our civilization consumes in an entire year. If we could harness a tiny fraction of the available solar and wind power, we could supply all our energy needs forever, and without adding any carbon to the atmosphere.
** From the [[w:Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey#Twelfth Episode: The World Set Free|twelfth episode]] of the U.S. science documentary television series ''[[w:Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey|Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey]]'', first broadcast on June 1, 2014.

* Every percentage point increase in homegrown renewable energy makes us that much more energy secure. The progress in electricity is encouraging, but growth is not yet strong enough in renewable heat and transport to meet the government's objectives.
** Nina Skorupska, chief executive of the UK's Renewable Energy Association, as quoted in [http://www.theguardian.com/environment/2014/jun/26/wind-renewables-generated-fifth-britain-electricity-energy &quot;Wind and other renewables generated a fifth of Britain's electricity in early 2014&quot;] ''The Guardian.'' June 26, 2014.

* One of the [[w:Disruptive innovation|real breakthroughs]] is when someone figures out [[w:Energy storage|long-term storage capacity]].
** [[George Shultz]], US statesman and economist, discussing the need for improvements in batteries or other energy storage technology to better integrate [[w:Solar energy|solar]] and [[w:Wind energy|wind energy]] into the [[w:Electrical grid|electrical grid]], as quoted in [https://news.mit.edu/2014/george-shultz-climate-change-mit-talk-1001 &quot;George Shultz: 'Climate is changing,' and we need more action: Former secretary of state - and former MIT professor - urges progress on multiple fronts&quot;] ''MIT News.'' October 1, 2014.

[[File:Bill Gates MSC 2017 (cropped).jpg|thumb|[https://www.ft.com/content/4f66ff5c-1a47-11e5-a130-2e7db721f996 &quot;The only way you can get to the very positive {CO&lt;sub&gt;2&lt;/sub&gt; reduction} scenario is by great innovation. Innovation really does bend the curve&quot;] - Bill Gates, global philanthropist and founder of Microsoft.]]
* The only way you can get to the very positive scenario is by great [[innovation]]. [[w:Innovation|Innovation really does bend the curve]].
** [[Bill Gates]], global philanthropist and founder of Microsoft, arguing that the cost of reducing CO&lt;sub&gt;2&lt;/sub&gt; emissions using existing technologies is &quot;beyond astronomical.&quot; From [https://www.ft.com/content/4f66ff5c-1a47-11e5-a130-2e7db721f996 &quot;Gates to double investment in renewable energy projects: Microsoft co-founder takes interest in new areas of research like in solar, high wind and new nuclear&quot;] ''Financial Times.'' June 25, 2015.

* If you told me that [[innovation]] had been frozen and we just have today's technologies, will the world run the climate change experiment? You bet we will. We will not deny India coal plants; we will run the scary experiment of heating up the atmosphere and seeing what happens. The only reason I'm optimistic about this problem is because of [[w:Innovation|innovation]]. . . . I want to tilt the odds in our favor by driving innovation at an unnaturally high pace, or more than its current business-as-usual course. I see that as the only thing. I want to call up India someday and say, &quot;Here's a source of energy that is cheaper than your coal plants, and by the way, from a global pollution and local pollution point of view, it's also better.&quot;
** [[Bill Gates]], in [https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2015/11/we-need-an-energy-miracle/407881/ &quot;We need an energy miracle&quot; (Interview with Bill Gates).] ''The Atlantic.'' November 2015 issue.

* Cheaper coal and cheaper gas will not derail the transformation and decarbonisation of the world’s power systems. By 2040, zero-emission energy sources will make up 60% of installed capacity.
** Bloomberg New Energy Finance report entitled [https://www.bloomberg.com/company/new-energy-outlook &quot;New Energy Outlook 2016 (An annual long-term view of how the world's power markets will evolve in the future)&quot;].

* We have long supported a [[w:carbon tax|carbon tax]] as the best policy of those being considered. Replacing the hodge-podge of current, largely ineffective regulations with a revenue-neutral carbon tax would ensure a uniform and predictable [[w:Carbon price|cost of carbon]] across the economy. It would allow market forces to drive solutions. It would maximize transparency, reduce administrative complexity, promote global participation and easily adjust to future developments in our understanding of climate science as well as the policy consequences of these actions.
** [[Rex Tillerson]], Chairman and CEO of ExxonMobil, in a speech entitled [http://corporate.exxonmobil.com/en/company/news-and-updates/speeches/the-path-forward-in-todays-energy-environment &quot;The Path Forward in Today’s Energy Environment&quot;] delivered at the 37th Annual Oil and Money Conference in London on October 19, 2016.

* Rather than an eyesore on the roof, it becomes actually a feature of the home. People are going to start wanting to put [[w:Building-integrated photovoltaics|{building-integrated photovoltaics}]] on the front side of their home to show that they have solar.
** Christopher Klinga, technical director of the (U.S.-based) Architectural Solar Association, as quoted in [http://www.nbcnews.com/mach/innovation/next-solar-energy-revolution-hiding-plain-sight-n742111 &quot;The Next Solar Energy Revolution Is Hiding in Plain Sight.&quot;] NBCNews.com. April 10, 2017.

* [W]ind and solar power have been rapidly winning market acceptance. Last year, the installed capacity of solar power in the United States nearly doubled. And wind is now being harnessed to produce 5.5 percent of America’s electricity, according to the [[w:Energy Information Administration |U.S. Energy Information Administration]].
** Norm Alster, journalist, in [https://www.nytimes.com/2017/04/15/business/mutfund/trump-coal-renewable-investing.html &quot;Investing in Solar and Wind in a Coal and Oil Moment.&quot;] ''The New York Times.'' April 15, 2017.

[[File:Abraham Archibald Anderson - Thomas Alva Edison - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|&quot;The next big act belongs to the [[Engineering|engineers]]. [https://www.project-syndicate.org/commentary/cop24-rulebook-time-for-engineers-by-jeffrey-d-sachs-2018-12 Energy transformation for climate safety is our twenty-first-century moonshot.&quot;] - [[Jeffrey Sachs]], development economist. (Pictured above is [[Thomas Edison]], considered one of the greatest [[Invention|inventors]] and engineers of all time.)]]
* The transition to renewable energy can be greatly accelerated if the world’s governments finally bring the [[Engineering|engineers]] to the fore... I was recently on a panel with three economists and a senior business-sector engineer. After the economists spoke... the engineer spoke succinctly and wisely. “I don’t really understand what you economists were just speaking about, but I do have a suggestion... Tell us engineers the desired ‘specs’ and the timeline, and we’ll get the job done.” This is not bravado.... The next big act belongs to the engineers. [[w:Energy transition|Energy transformation]] for [[w:Climate security|climate safety]] is our twenty-first-century [[Apollo 11|moonshot]]. 
** [[Jeffrey Sachs]] in [https://www.project-syndicate.org/commentary/cop24-rulebook-time-for-engineers-by-jeffrey-d-sachs-2018-12 ''For Climate Safety, Call in the Engineers, Project Syndicate'']  (20 December 2018)

[[File:VCY CG CB CV cent grp 121613 0517 02844 (13896600480).jpg|thumb|&quot;A [[w:carbon tax|carbon tax]] will send a powerful price signal that harnesses the invisible hand of the marketplace to steer economic actors towards a low-carbon future.&quot; - [https://clcouncil.org/economists-statement/ &quot;Economists’ Statement on Carbon Dividends&quot;] signed by more than 3,500 economists, including every living former chair of the US Federal Reserve (pictured, from left to right: Janet Yellen, Alan Greenspan, Ben Bernanke and Paul Volcker).]]
* A [[w:carbon tax|carbon tax]] offers the most cost-effective lever to reduce carbon emissions at the scale and speed that is necessary. By correcting a well-known market failure, a carbon tax will send a powerful price signal that harnesses the invisible hand of the marketplace to steer economic actors towards a low-carbon future. . . . A consistently rising carbon price will encourage technological [[innovation]] and large-scale infrastructure development.
** &quot;Economists’ Statement on Carbon Dividends: Bipartisan agreement on how to combat climate change.&quot; (Statement signed by more than 3,500 economists, including every living former chair of the U.S. Federal Reserve and 27 Nobel laureates.)
*** [https://www.wsj.com/articles/economists-statement-on-carbon-dividends-11547682910 Economists’ Statement on Carbon Dividends (The statement's original publication - subscription required to view in full.)] ''The Wall Street Journal.'' January 16, 2019.
*** [https://clcouncil.org/economists-statement/ Economists’ Statement on Carbon Dividends (Republication - no subscription needed to view.)] Republished by the Climate Leadership Council. Originally published on January 16, 2019.

* [[w:Offshore wind power|Offshore wind]]'s remarkable potential: [[w:List of offshore wind farms|The global offshore wind market]] grew nearly 30% per year between 2010 and 2018, benefitting from rapid technology improvements and about 150 new offshore wind projects . . . in active development around the world. . . . Yet today's offshore wind market doesn't even come close to tapping the full potential - with high-quality resources available in most major markets, offshore wind has the potential to generate more than 420,000 [terawatt-hours] per year worldwide. This is more than 18 times [[w:Electric energy consumption|global electricity demand today]].
** [https://www.iea.org/reports/offshore-wind-outlook-2019 &quot;Offshore Wind Outlook 2019: World Energy Outlook special report.&quot;] [[w:International Energy Agency|International Energy Agency]]. (November, 2019)

[[File:East Anglia ONE windfarm construction 2.jpg|thumb|&quot;[[w:Offshore wind power|Offshore wind]] is in a category of its own, as the only [[w:Variable renewable energy|variable]] [[w:Base load|baseload]] power generation technology.&quot; - This photo shows the [[w:East Anglia Array|East Anglia ONE offshore windfarm]] under construction in the North Sea about 43 kilometers east of the English coast, October 2019.]]

* [[w:Offshore wind power|Offshore wind]] is in a category of its own, as the only [[w:Variable renewable energy|variable]] [[w:Base load|baseload]] power generation technology. . . . Offshore wind output . . . hourly variability is lower than that of solar [photovoltaics]. Offshore wind typically fluctuates within a narrower band, up to 20% from hour-to-hour, than is the case for solar [photovoltaics], up to 40% from hour-to-hour.
** [https://www.iea.org/reports/offshore-wind-outlook-2019 &quot;Offshore Wind Outlook 2019: World Energy Outlook special report.&quot;] [[w:International Energy Agency|International Energy Agency]]. (November, 2019)

* The clean energy portfolios of some of the largest corporate buyers rival those of the world’s biggest utilities. These companies are facing mounting pressure from investors to [[w:Low-carbon economy|decarbonize]] - [[w:Power purchase agreement|clean energy contracts]] serve as a way to [[w:Energy management|diversify energy spend]] and reduce susceptibility to the tangible [[w:Climate risk|risks associated with climate change]].
** Kyle Harrison, sustainability analyst at [[w:Bloomberg L.P.#New Energy Finance|BloombergNEF]] and lead author of its ''1H 2020 Corporate Energy Market Outlook'' report, as quoted in a summary discussing the report entitled [https://about.bnef.com/blog/corporate-clean-energy-buying-leapt-44-in-2019-sets-new-record/ &quot;Corporate Clean Energy Buying Leapt 44% in 2019, Sets New Record&quot;], published on January 28, 2020.

* [N]ew [[w:Cost of electricity by source|renewable power generation projects now increasingly undercut existing coal-fired plants]]. On average, new [[w:Solar energy|solar]] [[w:Photovoltaics|photovoltaic (PV)]] and onshore [[w:Wind power|wind power]] cost less than keeping many existing [[w:Coal-fired power station|coal plants]] in operation, and [[w:Electricity market|auction]] results show this trend accelerating – reinforcing the case to [[w:Coal phase-out|phase-out coal]] entirely.
** [[w:International Renewable Energy Agency|International Renewable Energy Agency]] press release entitled [https://www.irena.org/newsroom/pressreleases/2020/Jun/Renewables-Increasingly-Beat-Even-Cheapest-Coal-Competitors-on-Cost &quot;Renewables Increasingly Beat Even Cheapest Coal Competitors on Cost: Competitive power generation costs make investment in renewables highly attractive as countries target economic recovery from COVID-19, new IRENA report finds.&quot;] June 2, 2020.

* I think it’s clear now that [[w:Sustainable energy | energy has to be clean]]. . . . And [[w:Renewable energy commercialization | we should do it in ways that give jobs to everybody]]. . . . There’s [[w:Renewable energy transition | so much to do in renewable power]], there is [[w:Coal-fired power station | so little to do in coal]].
** [[w:William McDonough|William McDonough]], as quoted in [https://www.marketplace.org/2020/08/19/pollution-climate-change-waste-economy-architect-william-mcdonough/ &quot;Eliminating the concept of waste from the economy&quot;], from the ''Marketplace Morning Report'' segment of the US National Public Radio ''Morning Edition'' program, August 19, 2020.

===2021===

====How to Avoid a Climate Disaster (book)====

''How to Avoid a Climate Disaster: The Solutions We Have and the Breakthroughs We Need''. Book published by Alfred A. Knopf on February 16, 2021. ISBN 9780385546133 (hardcover), ISBN 9780385546140 (e-book). &lt;br /&gt; 
[[How to Avoid a Climate Disaster | Main Wikiquote page for ''How to Avoid a Climate Disaster'']] &lt;br /&gt; 
[[w:How to Avoid a Climate Disaster | Wikipedia page for ''How to Avoid a Climate Disaster'']]

[[File:Renewable Energy on the Grid.jpg|thumb|&quot;Deploying today’s [[w:Renewable energy|renewables]] and improving [[w:Electric power transmission|transmission]] couldn’t be more important. [And] even as we deploy, deploy, deploy [[w:Solar power|solar]] and [[w:Wind power|wind]], the world is going to need some new clean electricity inventions too.&quot; - [[Bill Gates]], from his book, [[w:How to Avoid a Climate Disaster|''How to Avoid a Climate Disaster'' (2021)]].]]

* When it comes to climate change, I know [[innovation]] isn’t the only thing we need. But we cannot [[w:Climate change mitigation|keep the earth livable]] without it. [[w:Environmental technology|Techno-fixes]] are not sufficient, but they are necessary.
** [[Bill Gates]], from page 14 of his book [[w:How to Avoid a Climate Disaster|''How to Avoid a Climate Disaster'' (2021)]].

* [W]e’re going to need ''much'' more [[w:Clean electricity|clean electricity]] in the coming years. Most experts agree that as we [[w:Electrification|electrify]] other [[w:Emission intensity|carbon-intensive processes]] like [[w:Steelmaking|making steel]] and [[w:Electric car|running cars]], [[w:World energy supply and consumption|the world’s electricity supply]] will need to double or even triple by 2050. And that doesn’t even account for population growth, or the fact that people will get richer and use more electricity. So the world will need much more than three times [[w:Electricity generation|the electricity we generate now]].
** [[Bill Gates]], from page 79 of his book [[w:How to Avoid a Climate Disaster|''How to Avoid a Climate Disaster'' (2021)]].

* Deploying today’s [[w:Renewable energy|renewables]] and improving [[w:Electric power transmission|transmission]] couldn’t be more important. . . . Unless we use large amounts of [[w:Nuclear power|nuclear energy]] . . . every path to zero [net emissions] in the United States will require us to install as much [[w:Wind power|wind]] and [[w:Solar power|solar power]] as we can build and find room for. It’s hard to say exactly [[w:Electricity sector of the United States|how much of America’s electricity will come from renewables]] in the end, but what we do know is that between now and 2050 we have to build them much faster - on the order of 5 to 10 times faster - than we’re doing right now. And remember that most countries aren’t as lucky as the United States when it comes to [[w:Solar power by country|solar]] and [[w:Wind power by country|wind resources]]. The fact that we can hope to generate a large percentage of our power from renewables is the exception rather than the rule. That’s why, even as we deploy, deploy, deploy solar and wind, the world is going to need some new clean electricity inventions too.
** [[Bill Gates]], from pages 83 and 84 of his book [[w:How to Avoid a Climate Disaster|''How to Avoid a Climate Disaster'' (2021)]].

* Over the past decade, [[w:Wind power#Wind power capacity and production|installed wind capacity]] has grown by an average of 20 percent a year, and [[w:Wind turbine|wind turbines]] now provide about 5 percent of [[w:World energy supply and consumption#Electricity generators are driven by|the world's electricity]]. Wind is growing for one simple reason: [[w:Wind power#Electric power cost and trends|It's getting cheaper]].
** [[Bill Gates]], from page 193 of his book [[w:How to Avoid a Climate Disaster|''How to Avoid a Climate Disaster'' (2021)]].

====COP26 Climate Conference in Scotland, UK====

[[w:2021 United Nations Climate Change Conference|26th United Nations Climate Change Conference (or &quot;COP26&quot;)]], held in Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom from October 31st to November 13th, 2021

[[File:Official portrait of the Prime Minister Narendra Modi, November 2020 (cropped).jpg|thumb|&quot;India will take its non-fossil energy capacity to 500 gigawatts by 2030, [and] India will meet 50 percent of [[w:Electricity sector in India|its energy requirements]] from [[w:Renewable energy in India|renewable energy]] by 2030.&quot; - [[Narendra Modi]], Prime Minister of India since 2014, addressing the COP26 international climate conference. (Nov. 2, 2021)]]

* [[Global warming|Climate change]] is already . . . [[w:Economic impacts of climate change|costing our nations trillions of dollars]] [and] we know that none of us can escape [[w:Effects of climate change|the worst that’s yet to come if we fail to seize this moment]]. . . . But . . . within the growing catastrophe, I believe there’s an [[w:Green growth|incredible opportunity . . . .  We have the ability to invest in ourselves]] and build an equitable [[w:Sustainable energy|clean-energy]] future and in the process create [[w:Full employment|millions of good-paying jobs]] [while we] [[w:Environmental justice|create an environment that raises the standard of living]] around the world. . . . When I talk to the American people about climate change, I tell them it’s about [[w:Green job|jobs]].  It’s about workers [and the] communities that will [[w:Green economy|revitalize themselves around new industries and opportunities]]. . . . So, [[w:Climate change mitigation|let’s get to work]].
** [[Joe Biden]], President of the United States, on Day 2 of [[w:2021 United Nations Climate Change Conference|the climate conference]] (excerpted from [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/11/01/remarks-by-president-biden-at-the-cop26-leaders-statement/ &quot;Remarks by President Biden at the COP26 Leaders Statement&quot;] at whitehouse.gov). (November 1, 2021)

*We are aware that [[w:List of countries by greenhouse gas emissions|the industrialised countries have a particular responsibility]]. . . . [[w:Climate finance|The financing]] is essential if the industrialised countries are to maintain their credibility. . . . Ladies and gentlemen, with government activities alone we will not make progress. For this requires radical transformation of [[w:Individual action on climate change|how we live]], [[w:Climate change mitigation|work and conduct business]]. I therefore want to take this opportunity to make a very clear appeal for [[w:Carbon price|pricing for CO2 emissions]]. With this form of pricing, [[w:European Union Emissions Trading System|which we already have in the European Union]], which is [[w:Chinese national carbon trading scheme|to be introduced in China]] and which needs to be developed together with many others throughout the world, we could get our industries and businesses to find the technologically most effective and efficient ways to achieve [[w:Carbon neutrality|climate neutrality]]. We need to work out [[w:Low-carbon economy|how we can best integrate CO2-free mobility, CO2-free industry and CO2-free processes into our lives]]. My clear call in the Decade of Action, in the decade in which we now live, is for us to become more ambitious at a national level and at the same time to find global instruments that not only make use of [[w:Tax|taxpayers’ money]] but are also [[w:Efficiency|economically viable]]. And for me, the answer is CO2 pricing.
**[[Angela Merkel]], Chancellor of Germany from 2005 to 2021, on Day 2 of [[w:2021 United Nations Climate Change Conference|the COP26 climate conference]] (excerpted from [https://www.bundesregierung.de/breg-en/news/speech-by-federal-chancellor-dr-angela-merkel-on-the-occasion-of-the-world-leaders-summit-at-the-26th-conference-of-the-parties-to-the-unfccc-cop26-in-glasgow-on-1-november-2021-1974784 &quot;Speech by Federal Chancellor Dr Angela Merkel on the occasion of the World Leaders’ Summit at the 26th Conference of the Parties to the UNFCCC (COP26) in Glasgow on 1 November 2021&quot;] at bundesregierung.de). (November 1, 2021)

*In the midst of this global brainstorming on [[global warming|climate change]], on behalf of India, I would like to present five [commitments] to deal with this challenge. First - India will take its non-fossil energy capacity to 500 gigawatts by 2030. Second - India will meet 50 percent of [[w:Electricity sector in India|its energy requirements]] from [[w:Renewable energy in India|renewable energy]] by 2030. . . . And fifth - by the year 2070, India will [[w:Carbon neutrality|achieve the target of Net Zero]]. . . . Today, when India has resolved to move forward with a new commitment and a new energy, the transfer of [[w:Climate finance|climate finance]] and low cost [[w:Clean technology|climate technologies]] have become more important. . . . India also understands [[w:Climate change and poverty|the suffering of all other developing countries]], shares them, and will continue to express [[w:climate justice|their expectations]].
** [[Narendra Modi]], Prime Minister of India since 2014, on Day 3 of [[w:2021 United Nations Climate Change Conference|the COP26 climate conference]] (excerpted from [https://www.mea.gov.in/Speeches-Statements.htm?dtl/34466/National+Statement+by+Prime+Minister+Shri+Narendra+Modi+at+COP26+Summit+in+Glasgow &quot;National Statement by Prime Minister Shri Narendra Modi at COP26 Summit in Glasgow&quot;] at mea.gov.in). (November 2, 2021)

===2022 and later===

* [T]he solution has to be real economy government regulations to ban or to make higher [the] cost of the brown and polluting industries. That said, there are parts of finance which are longer-term and [evaluate] [[w:Climate risk|climate risks]] . . . and these are asset owners, the pension funds, the wealth funds and the insurance companies who are not so transactional [and] they’re not [as] interested in a deal to be done today. And they are in fact often mandated by their governments to take into account climate risk. So, I think those players will step up in this instance [turmoil in energy markets following [[w:Economic impact of the 2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine#Impact on markets|Russia's 2022 invasion of Ukraine]]] and [now who might be] investing for [an electricity generation project with a] 10-year horizon which you have to do with gas they will [say], &quot;Let’s do it with renewables.&quot; And we’ve seen movements like that in the UK, where they’re pivoting towards [[w:Wind power|onshore wind]], which before the invasion was politically unviable because of the [[w:NIMBY|NIMBY factor]]. . . . [T]he pension funds and the actual asset owners . . . have a longer term of perspective. And they are actually driving the issue to their [[w:Category:Money managers|commercial managers who have to service them]] and they’re saying, &quot;Look, we want you to act on climate change,&quot; and that's a huge driver.
** Dylan Tanner, executive director of Influence Map (a London-based think tank &quot;that provides data and analysis on how business and finance are affecting the climate crisis&quot;), in an interview on the [[w:Climate One|Climate One podcast]] entitled [https://www.climateone.org/audio/big-money-investment-managers-driving-corporate-action &quot;Big Money: Investment Managers Driving Corporate Action&quot;.] (May 6, 2022)

* [A]s an [[w:Atmospheric science|atmospheric scientist]] and [[w:Environmental engineering|environmental engineer]], I focus most on [[w:Environmental technology|technologies]] — that’s what we think about most of what we need to be able to [[w:Renewable energy|clean up electricity]], what we need for [[w:Green vehicle|cleaner cars]]. But those aren’t going to [[w:Commercialization|make it to market]] and those aren’t going to [[w:Climate change mitigation|help cool the climate]] unless there are [[w:Climate change policy of the United States|policies that get those to be deployed domestically]]. And what we do domestically isn’t enough because [[w:List of countries by greenhouse gas emissions|we’re only 1/7th of the world’s emissions]], so we need diplomacy to take what we do here in the U.S. and make sure that that starts being applied in other parts of the world as well. . . . [A]s I was looking at the diplomacy [I noticed that what] the United States really gets right is being reciprocal . . . when we do something, we usually insist that [[w:List of the largest trading partners of the United States|our trading partners]] go along as well. You even hear in Congress talk about if we ever did have a [[w:Carbon tax|carbon tax]], being sure it got applied as [[w:Carbon tax#Border adjustments, tariffs and bans|tariffs on goods that got brought in]].
** [https://profiles.rice.edu/faculty/daniel-cohan Daniel S. Cohan,] professor of Civil and Environmental Engineering at Rice University, in an interview on the [[w:Marketplace (radio program)|''Marketplace Morning Report'' radio program]] entitled [https://www.marketplace.org/2022/05/30/a-3-pronged-approach-for-adopting-clean-power/ &quot;A 3-pronged approach for adopting clean power&quot;,] in which he discusses his book [https://books.google.com/books/about/Confronting_Climate_Gridlock.html?id=qC-PzgEACAAJ ''Confronting Climate Gridlock: How Diplomacy, Technology, and Policy Can Unlock a Clean Energy Future'' (March 29, 2022). Yale University Press.] ISBN 9780300251678. (May 30, 2022)

* [[w:Swanson's law|Solar has plunged by 90% in cost]]. [[w:Cost of electricity by source|Wind has plunged by 80% just in the past 11 or 12 years]]. . . . Things like [[w:Grid parity|wind and solar power really can already out-compete dirtier forms of electricity]], and [https://www.iea.org/news/renewable-electricity-growth-is-accelerating-faster-than-ever-worldwide-supporting-the-emergence-of-the-new-global-energy-economy we just need to build more of them quickly; we’re not adding them fast enough]. There are other technologies where we really need a big breakthrough. We don’t yet have affordable enough [[w:Heat pump|heat pumps]]. We don’t yet have a next generation [[w:Nuclear power|nuclear technology]] that’s cheap enough, if we ever will. [[w:Geothermal energy|Geothermal]] is really at the cusp of becoming something that I think could really take off. What I also see, though, is that what carries those cutting-edge technologies to the cheaper cost can’t just happen in the lab. [[w:Renewable energy commercialization#Public policy landscape|We need policies that pull those into the market]], that get them adopted more — because if we can [[w:Early adopter|adopt them while they’re at that edge; while they’re not quite cheap enough]], that can drive the [[w:Economies of scale|economies of scale]]; that can drive what technologists call [[w:Learning curve|learning by doing]].
** [https://profiles.rice.edu/faculty/daniel-cohan Daniel S. Cohan,] professor of Civil and Environmental Engineering at Rice University, in an interview on the [[w:Marketplace (radio program)|''Marketplace Morning Report'' radio program]] entitled [https://www.marketplace.org/2022/05/30/a-3-pronged-approach-for-adopting-clean-power/ &quot;A 3-pronged approach for adopting clean power&quot;,] in which he discusses his book [https://books.google.com/books/about/Confronting_Climate_Gridlock.html?id=qC-PzgEACAAJ ''Confronting Climate Gridlock: How Diplomacy, Technology, and Policy Can Unlock a Clean Energy Future'' (March 29, 2022). Yale University Press.] ISBN 9780300251678. (May 30, 2022)

==See also==
* [[Green New Deal]]
'''Wikipedia Articles''')
* [[w:List of renewable energy topics by country|List of renewable energy topics by country]]
* [[w: solar energy|Solar energy]]
* [[w:Sustainable energy|Sustainable energy]]
* [[w:Wave power|Wave power]]
* [[w:Wind power|Wind power]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{wiktionary}}

[[Category:Climate change]]
[[Category:Energy]]
[[Category:Environmentalism]]
[[Category:Sustainability]]
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      <text bytes="34762" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Renewable energy|Renewable energy]]''' is energy that is collected from [[w:renewable resource|renewable resource]]s that are naturally replenished on a [[w:Orders of magnitude (time)|human timescale]]. It includes sources such as [[sunlight]], [[w:wind power|wind]], [[rain]], [[w:tidal power|tides]], [[w:wave power|waves]], and [[w:geothermal energy|geothermal heat]]. Renewable energy stands in contrast to [[fossil fuel]]s, which are being used far more quickly than they are being replenished. Although most renewable energy sources are [[w:sustainable energy|sustainable]], some are not. For example, some [[w:biomass|biomass]] sources are considered unsustainable at current rates of exploitation.

[[File:Combined heat and power solar installation on barn roof in Western Europe 2.jpg|thumb|&quot;I'd put my money on the sun and [[w:Solar energy|solar energy]]. What a [[w:Electricity generation|source of power]]!&quot; - [[Thomas Edison]] in [https://www.nytimes.com/2007/06/03/magazine/03wwln-essay-t.html a conversation shortly before his death in 1931.] (This photo shows a combined heat and power solar installation on a barn roof in Germany.)]]

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== Quotes ==
[[File:Xingquanbao.eoliennes.jpg|thumb|&quot;[[w:Cost of electricity by source|Wind [power cost] has plunged by 80% just in the past 11 or 12 years]]. . . . Things like [[w:Grid parity|wind and solar power really can already out-compete dirtier forms of electricity]], and we just need to build more of them quickly; [as of May, 2022] we’re not adding them fast enough.&quot; - Daniel Cohan, Rice University. (This photo shows wind turbines in Gansu province, China.)]]

===Before 2001===

* I'd put my money on the sun and [[w:Solar energy|solar energy]]. What a [[w:Electricity generation|source of power]]! I hope we don’t have to wait until [[w:Oil depletion|oil]] and [[w:Non-renewable resource|coal run out]] before we tackle that.
** [[Thomas Edison]] (in a conversation shortly before his death in 1931), as quoted in [https://www.nytimes.com/2007/06/03/magazine/03wwln-essay-t.html a June 3, 2007 essay entitled &quot;Current Thinking&quot; by the journalist and documentary filmmaker Heather Rogers published in ''The New York Times Magazine''.]

===2001 to 2010===

* Although photosynthesis typically has an energy conversion efficiency below three percent, it is, together with heat from the sun, the main energy source of all living organisms, and the energy source from which biomass and fossil fuels are derived. Each year the earth receives an energy input from the sun equal to 15,000 times the world's commercial energy consumption and 100 times the world's proven coal, gas and oil reserves.
** Bernhard Scheffler, quoted by J. Clarke and D. Holt-Biddle in Coming Back to Earth, p. 78 (2002)

* There is one forecast of which you can already be sure: someday renewable energy will be the only way for people to satisfy their energy needs. Because of the physical, ecological and (therefore) social limits to nuclear and fossil energy use, ultimately nobody will be able to circumvent renewable energy as the solution, even if it turns out to be everybody’s last remaining choice. The question keeping everyone in suspense, however, is whether we shall succeed in making this radical change of energy platforms happen early enough to spare the world irreversible ecological mutilation and political and economic catastrophe.
** [[w:Hermann Scheer|Hermann Scheer]], member of the German Bundestag and President of the European Association for Renewable Energy, in his book [http://www.earthscan.co.uk/Portals/0/Files/Sample%20Chapters/9781844073559.pdf ''Energy Autonomy: The Economic, Social and Technological Case for Renewable Energy'' (2006).] Routledge Taylor &amp; Francis Group. ISBN 9781844073559.

===2011 to 2020===

*More solar energy falls on Earth in one hour than all the energy our civilization consumes in an entire year. If we could harness a tiny fraction of the available solar and wind power, we could supply all our energy needs forever, and without adding any carbon to the atmosphere.
** From the [[w:Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey#Twelfth Episode: The World Set Free|twelfth episode]] of the U.S. science documentary television series ''[[w:Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey|Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey]]'', first broadcast on June 1, 2014.

* Every percentage point increase in homegrown renewable energy makes us that much more energy secure. The progress in electricity is encouraging, but growth is not yet strong enough in renewable heat and transport to meet the government's objectives.
** Nina Skorupska, chief executive of the UK's Renewable Energy Association, as quoted in [http://www.theguardian.com/environment/2014/jun/26/wind-renewables-generated-fifth-britain-electricity-energy &quot;Wind and other renewables generated a fifth of Britain's electricity in early 2014&quot;] ''The Guardian.'' June 26, 2014.

* One of the [[w:Disruptive innovation|real breakthroughs]] is when someone figures out [[w:Energy storage|long-term storage capacity]].
** [[George Shultz]], US statesman and economist, discussing the need for improvements in batteries or other energy storage technology to better integrate [[w:Solar energy|solar]] and [[w:Wind energy|wind energy]] into the [[w:Electrical grid|electrical grid]], as quoted in [https://news.mit.edu/2014/george-shultz-climate-change-mit-talk-1001 &quot;George Shultz: 'Climate is changing,' and we need more action: Former secretary of state - and former MIT professor - urges progress on multiple fronts&quot;] ''MIT News.'' October 1, 2014.

[[File:Bill Gates MSC 2017 (cropped).jpg|thumb|[https://www.ft.com/content/4f66ff5c-1a47-11e5-a130-2e7db721f996 &quot;The only way you can get to the very positive {CO&lt;sub&gt;2&lt;/sub&gt; reduction} scenario is by great innovation. Innovation really does bend the curve&quot;] - Bill Gates, global philanthropist and founder of Microsoft.]]
* The only way you can get to the very positive scenario is by great [[innovation]]. [[w:Innovation|Innovation really does bend the curve]].
** [[Bill Gates]], global philanthropist and founder of Microsoft, arguing that the cost of reducing CO&lt;sub&gt;2&lt;/sub&gt; emissions using existing technologies is &quot;beyond astronomical.&quot; From [https://www.ft.com/content/4f66ff5c-1a47-11e5-a130-2e7db721f996 &quot;Gates to double investment in renewable energy projects: Microsoft co-founder takes interest in new areas of research like in solar, high wind and new nuclear&quot;] ''Financial Times.'' June 25, 2015.

* If you told me that [[innovation]] had been frozen and we just have today's technologies, will the world run the climate change experiment? You bet we will. We will not deny India coal plants; we will run the scary experiment of heating up the atmosphere and seeing what happens. The only reason I'm optimistic about this problem is because of [[w:Innovation|innovation]]. . . . I want to tilt the odds in our favor by driving innovation at an unnaturally high pace, or more than its current business-as-usual course. I see that as the only thing. I want to call up India someday and say, &quot;Here's a source of energy that is cheaper than your coal plants, and by the way, from a global pollution and local pollution point of view, it's also better.&quot;
** [[Bill Gates]], in [https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2015/11/we-need-an-energy-miracle/407881/ &quot;We need an energy miracle&quot; (Interview with Bill Gates).] ''The Atlantic.'' November 2015 issue.

* Cheaper coal and cheaper gas will not derail the transformation and decarbonisation of the world’s power systems. By 2040, zero-emission energy sources will make up 60% of installed capacity.
** Bloomberg New Energy Finance report entitled [https://www.bloomberg.com/company/new-energy-outlook &quot;New Energy Outlook 2016 (An annual long-term view of how the world's power markets will evolve in the future)&quot;].

* We have long supported a [[w:carbon tax|carbon tax]] as the best policy of those being considered. Replacing the hodge-podge of current, largely ineffective regulations with a revenue-neutral carbon tax would ensure a uniform and predictable [[w:Carbon price|cost of carbon]] across the economy. It would allow market forces to drive solutions. It would maximize transparency, reduce administrative complexity, promote global participation and easily adjust to future developments in our understanding of climate science as well as the policy consequences of these actions.
** [[Rex Tillerson]], Chairman and CEO of ExxonMobil, in a speech entitled [http://corporate.exxonmobil.com/en/company/news-and-updates/speeches/the-path-forward-in-todays-energy-environment &quot;The Path Forward in Today’s Energy Environment&quot;] delivered at the 37th Annual Oil and Money Conference in London on October 19, 2016.

* Rather than an eyesore on the roof, it becomes actually a feature of the home. People are going to start wanting to put [[w:Building-integrated photovoltaics|{building-integrated photovoltaics}]] on the front side of their home to show that they have solar.
** Christopher Klinga, technical director of the (U.S.-based) Architectural Solar Association, as quoted in [http://www.nbcnews.com/mach/innovation/next-solar-energy-revolution-hiding-plain-sight-n742111 &quot;The Next Solar Energy Revolution Is Hiding in Plain Sight.&quot;] NBCNews.com. April 10, 2017.

* [W]ind and solar power have been rapidly winning market acceptance. Last year, the installed capacity of solar power in the United States nearly doubled. And wind is now being harnessed to produce 5.5 percent of America’s electricity, according to the [[w:Energy Information Administration |U.S. Energy Information Administration]].
** Norm Alster, journalist, in [https://www.nytimes.com/2017/04/15/business/mutfund/trump-coal-renewable-investing.html &quot;Investing in Solar and Wind in a Coal and Oil Moment.&quot;] ''The New York Times.'' April 15, 2017.

[[File:Abraham Archibald Anderson - Thomas Alva Edison - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|&quot;The next big act belongs to the [[Engineering|engineers]]. [https://www.project-syndicate.org/commentary/cop24-rulebook-time-for-engineers-by-jeffrey-d-sachs-2018-12 Energy transformation for climate safety is our twenty-first-century moonshot.&quot;] - [[Jeffrey Sachs]], development economist. (Pictured above is [[Thomas Edison]], considered one of the greatest [[Invention|inventors]] and engineers of all time.)]]
* The transition to renewable energy can be greatly accelerated if the world’s governments finally bring the [[Engineering|engineers]] to the fore... I was recently on a panel with three economists and a senior business-sector engineer. After the economists spoke... the engineer spoke succinctly and wisely. “I don’t really understand what you economists were just speaking about, but I do have a suggestion... Tell us engineers the desired ‘specs’ and the timeline, and we’ll get the job done.” This is not bravado.... The next big act belongs to the engineers. [[w:Energy transition|Energy transformation]] for [[w:Climate security|climate safety]] is our twenty-first-century [[Apollo 11|moonshot]]. 
** [[Jeffrey Sachs]] in [https://www.project-syndicate.org/commentary/cop24-rulebook-time-for-engineers-by-jeffrey-d-sachs-2018-12 ''For Climate Safety, Call in the Engineers, Project Syndicate'']  (20 December 2018)

[[File:VCY CG CB CV cent grp 121613 0517 02844 (13896600480).jpg|thumb|&quot;A [[w:carbon tax|carbon tax]] will send a powerful price signal that harnesses the invisible hand of the marketplace to steer economic actors towards a low-carbon future.&quot; - [https://clcouncil.org/economists-statement/ &quot;Economists’ Statement on Carbon Dividends&quot;] signed by more than 3,500 economists, including every living former chair of the US Federal Reserve (pictured, from left to right: Janet Yellen, Alan Greenspan, Ben Bernanke and Paul Volcker).]]
* A [[w:carbon tax|carbon tax]] offers the most cost-effective lever to reduce carbon emissions at the scale and speed that is necessary. By correcting a well-known market failure, a carbon tax will send a powerful price signal that harnesses the invisible hand of the marketplace to steer economic actors towards a low-carbon future. . . . A consistently rising carbon price will encourage technological [[innovation]] and large-scale infrastructure development.
** &quot;Economists’ Statement on Carbon Dividends: Bipartisan agreement on how to combat climate change.&quot; (Statement signed by more than 3,500 economists, including every living former chair of the U.S. Federal Reserve and 27 Nobel laureates.)
*** [https://www.wsj.com/articles/economists-statement-on-carbon-dividends-11547682910 Economists’ Statement on Carbon Dividends (The statement's original publication - subscription required to view in full.)] ''The Wall Street Journal.'' January 16, 2019.
*** [https://clcouncil.org/economists-statement/ Economists’ Statement on Carbon Dividends (Republication - no subscription needed to view.)] Republished by the Climate Leadership Council. Originally published on January 16, 2019.

* [[w:Offshore wind power|Offshore wind]]'s remarkable potential: [[w:List of offshore wind farms|The global offshore wind market]] grew nearly 30% per year between 2010 and 2018, benefitting from rapid technology improvements and about 150 new offshore wind projects . . . in active development around the world. . . . Yet today's offshore wind market doesn't even come close to tapping the full potential - with high-quality resources available in most major markets, offshore wind has the potential to generate more than 420,000 [terawatt-hours] per year worldwide. This is more than 18 times [[w:Electric energy consumption|global electricity demand today]].
** [https://www.iea.org/reports/offshore-wind-outlook-2019 &quot;Offshore Wind Outlook 2019: World Energy Outlook special report.&quot;] [[w:International Energy Agency|International Energy Agency]]. (November, 2019)

[[File:East Anglia ONE windfarm construction 2.jpg|thumb|&quot;[[w:Offshore wind power|Offshore wind]] is in a category of its own, as the only [[w:Variable renewable energy|variable]] [[w:Base load|baseload]] power generation technology.&quot; - This photo shows the [[w:East Anglia Array|East Anglia ONE offshore windfarm]] under construction in the North Sea about 43 kilometers east of the English coast, October 2019.]]

* [[w:Offshore wind power|Offshore wind]] is in a category of its own, as the only [[w:Variable renewable energy|variable]] [[w:Base load|baseload]] power generation technology. . . . Offshore wind output . . . hourly variability is lower than that of solar [photovoltaics]. Offshore wind typically fluctuates within a narrower band, up to 20% from hour-to-hour, than is the case for solar [photovoltaics], up to 40% from hour-to-hour.
** [https://www.iea.org/reports/offshore-wind-outlook-2019 &quot;Offshore Wind Outlook 2019: World Energy Outlook special report.&quot;] [[w:International Energy Agency|International Energy Agency]]. (November, 2019)

* The clean energy portfolios of some of the largest corporate buyers rival those of the world’s biggest utilities. These companies are facing mounting pressure from investors to [[w:Low-carbon economy|decarbonize]] - [[w:Power purchase agreement|clean energy contracts]] serve as a way to [[w:Energy management|diversify energy spend]] and reduce susceptibility to the tangible [[w:Climate risk|risks associated with climate change]].
** Kyle Harrison, sustainability analyst at [[w:Bloomberg L.P.#New Energy Finance|BloombergNEF]] and lead author of its ''1H 2020 Corporate Energy Market Outlook'' report, as quoted in a summary discussing the report entitled [https://about.bnef.com/blog/corporate-clean-energy-buying-leapt-44-in-2019-sets-new-record/ &quot;Corporate Clean Energy Buying Leapt 44% in 2019, Sets New Record&quot;], published on January 28, 2020.

* [N]ew [[w:Cost of electricity by source|renewable power generation projects now increasingly undercut existing coal-fired plants]]. On average, new [[w:Solar energy|solar]] [[w:Photovoltaics|photovoltaic (PV)]] and onshore [[w:Wind power|wind power]] cost less than keeping many existing [[w:Coal-fired power station|coal plants]] in operation, and [[w:Electricity market|auction]] results show this trend accelerating – reinforcing the case to [[w:Coal phase-out|phase-out coal]] entirely.
** [[w:International Renewable Energy Agency|International Renewable Energy Agency]] press release entitled [https://www.irena.org/newsroom/pressreleases/2020/Jun/Renewables-Increasingly-Beat-Even-Cheapest-Coal-Competitors-on-Cost &quot;Renewables Increasingly Beat Even Cheapest Coal Competitors on Cost: Competitive power generation costs make investment in renewables highly attractive as countries target economic recovery from COVID-19, new IRENA report finds.&quot;] June 2, 2020.

* I think it’s clear now that [[w:Sustainable energy | energy has to be clean]]. . . . And [[w:Renewable energy commercialization | we should do it in ways that give jobs to everybody]]. . . . There’s [[w:Renewable energy transition | so much to do in renewable power]], there is [[w:Coal-fired power station | so little to do in coal]].
** [[w:William McDonough|William McDonough]], as quoted in [https://www.marketplace.org/2020/08/19/pollution-climate-change-waste-economy-architect-william-mcdonough/ &quot;Eliminating the concept of waste from the economy&quot;], from the ''Marketplace Morning Report'' segment of the US National Public Radio ''Morning Edition'' program, August 19, 2020.

===2021===

* Future Outlook: Global [[w:Offshore wind power|offshore wind energy]] deployment is expected to accelerate in the future, with forecasts from [https://www.4coffshore.com/ 4C Offshore] and [https://about.bnef.com/ Bloomberg New Energy Finance] indicating a sevenfold increase in global cumulative offshore wind capacity - to 215 [gigawatts] or more by 2030 (BNEF 2020; 4C Offshore 2021). As part of that predicted surge, [[w:List of offshore wind farms in the United States|the U.S. offshore wind energy market continues to expand]], primarily driven by increasing state-level procurement targets in the Northeast and mid-Atlantic, an increased number of projects clearing major permitting milestones, as well as growing vessel, port, and infrastructure investments needed to keep pace with development.
** [https://www.energy.gov/sites/default/files/2021-09/offshore-wind-market-report-2021-executive-summary.pdf &quot;Executive Summary&quot; for &quot;Offshore Wind Market Report: 2021 Edition.&quot;] [[w:United States Department of Energy|US Department of Energy]], [[w:Office of Energy Efficiency and Renewable Energy|Office of Energy Efficiency &amp; Renewable Energy]]. (August, 2021)

====How to Avoid a Climate Disaster (book)====

''How to Avoid a Climate Disaster: The Solutions We Have and the Breakthroughs We Need''. Book published by Alfred A. Knopf on February 16, 2021. ISBN 9780385546133 (hardcover), ISBN 9780385546140 (e-book). &lt;br /&gt; 
[[How to Avoid a Climate Disaster | Main Wikiquote page for ''How to Avoid a Climate Disaster'']] &lt;br /&gt; 
[[w:How to Avoid a Climate Disaster | Wikipedia page for ''How to Avoid a Climate Disaster'']]

[[File:Renewable Energy on the Grid.jpg|thumb|&quot;Deploying today’s [[w:Renewable energy|renewables]] and improving [[w:Electric power transmission|transmission]] couldn’t be more important. [And] even as we deploy, deploy, deploy [[w:Solar power|solar]] and [[w:Wind power|wind]], the world is going to need some new clean electricity inventions too.&quot; - [[Bill Gates]], from his book, [[w:How to Avoid a Climate Disaster|''How to Avoid a Climate Disaster'' (2021)]].]]

* When it comes to climate change, I know [[innovation]] isn’t the only thing we need. But we cannot [[w:Climate change mitigation|keep the earth livable]] without it. [[w:Environmental technology|Techno-fixes]] are not sufficient, but they are necessary.
** [[Bill Gates]], from page 14 of his book [[w:How to Avoid a Climate Disaster|''How to Avoid a Climate Disaster'' (2021)]].

* [W]e’re going to need ''much'' more [[w:Clean electricity|clean electricity]] in the coming years. Most experts agree that as we [[w:Electrification|electrify]] other [[w:Emission intensity|carbon-intensive processes]] like [[w:Steelmaking|making steel]] and [[w:Electric car|running cars]], [[w:World energy supply and consumption|the world’s electricity supply]] will need to double or even triple by 2050. And that doesn’t even account for population growth, or the fact that people will get richer and use more electricity. So the world will need much more than three times [[w:Electricity generation|the electricity we generate now]].
** [[Bill Gates]], from page 79 of his book [[w:How to Avoid a Climate Disaster|''How to Avoid a Climate Disaster'' (2021)]].

* Deploying today’s [[w:Renewable energy|renewables]] and improving [[w:Electric power transmission|transmission]] couldn’t be more important. . . . Unless we use large amounts of [[w:Nuclear power|nuclear energy]] . . . every path to zero [net emissions] in the United States will require us to install as much [[w:Wind power|wind]] and [[w:Solar power|solar power]] as we can build and find room for. It’s hard to say exactly [[w:Electricity sector of the United States|how much of America’s electricity will come from renewables]] in the end, but what we do know is that between now and 2050 we have to build them much faster - on the order of 5 to 10 times faster - than we’re doing right now. And remember that most countries aren’t as lucky as the United States when it comes to [[w:Solar power by country|solar]] and [[w:Wind power by country|wind resources]]. The fact that we can hope to generate a large percentage of our power from renewables is the exception rather than the rule. That’s why, even as we deploy, deploy, deploy solar and wind, the world is going to need some new clean electricity inventions too.
** [[Bill Gates]], from pages 83 and 84 of his book [[w:How to Avoid a Climate Disaster|''How to Avoid a Climate Disaster'' (2021)]].

* Over the past decade, [[w:Wind power#Wind power capacity and production|installed wind capacity]] has grown by an average of 20 percent a year, and [[w:Wind turbine|wind turbines]] now provide about 5 percent of [[w:World energy supply and consumption#Electricity generators are driven by|the world's electricity]]. Wind is growing for one simple reason: [[w:Wind power#Electric power cost and trends|It's getting cheaper]].
** [[Bill Gates]], from page 193 of his book [[w:How to Avoid a Climate Disaster|''How to Avoid a Climate Disaster'' (2021)]].

====COP26 Climate Conference in Scotland, UK====

[[w:2021 United Nations Climate Change Conference|26th United Nations Climate Change Conference (or &quot;COP26&quot;)]], held in Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom from October 31st to November 13th, 2021

[[File:Official portrait of the Prime Minister Narendra Modi, November 2020 (cropped).jpg|thumb|&quot;India will take its non-fossil energy capacity to 500 gigawatts by 2030, [and] India will meet 50 percent of [[w:Electricity sector in India|its energy requirements]] from [[w:Renewable energy in India|renewable energy]] by 2030.&quot; - [[Narendra Modi]], Prime Minister of India since 2014, addressing the COP26 international climate conference. (Nov. 2, 2021)]]

* [[Global warming|Climate change]] is already . . . [[w:Economic impacts of climate change|costing our nations trillions of dollars]] [and] we know that none of us can escape [[w:Effects of climate change|the worst that’s yet to come if we fail to seize this moment]]. . . . But . . . within the growing catastrophe, I believe there’s an [[w:Green growth|incredible opportunity . . . .  We have the ability to invest in ourselves]] and build an equitable [[w:Sustainable energy|clean-energy]] future and in the process create [[w:Full employment|millions of good-paying jobs]] [while we] [[w:Environmental justice|create an environment that raises the standard of living]] around the world. . . . When I talk to the American people about climate change, I tell them it’s about [[w:Green job|jobs]].  It’s about workers [and the] communities that will [[w:Green economy|revitalize themselves around new industries and opportunities]]. . . . So, [[w:Climate change mitigation|let’s get to work]].
** [[Joe Biden]], President of the United States, on Day 2 of [[w:2021 United Nations Climate Change Conference|the climate conference]] (excerpted from [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/11/01/remarks-by-president-biden-at-the-cop26-leaders-statement/ &quot;Remarks by President Biden at the COP26 Leaders Statement&quot;] at whitehouse.gov). (November 1, 2021)

*We are aware that [[w:List of countries by greenhouse gas emissions|the industrialised countries have a particular responsibility]]. . . . [[w:Climate finance|The financing]] is essential if the industrialised countries are to maintain their credibility. . . . Ladies and gentlemen, with government activities alone we will not make progress. For this requires radical transformation of [[w:Individual action on climate change|how we live]], [[w:Climate change mitigation|work and conduct business]]. I therefore want to take this opportunity to make a very clear appeal for [[w:Carbon price|pricing for CO2 emissions]]. With this form of pricing, [[w:European Union Emissions Trading System|which we already have in the European Union]], which is [[w:Chinese national carbon trading scheme|to be introduced in China]] and which needs to be developed together with many others throughout the world, we could get our industries and businesses to find the technologically most effective and efficient ways to achieve [[w:Carbon neutrality|climate neutrality]]. We need to work out [[w:Low-carbon economy|how we can best integrate CO2-free mobility, CO2-free industry and CO2-free processes into our lives]]. My clear call in the Decade of Action, in the decade in which we now live, is for us to become more ambitious at a national level and at the same time to find global instruments that not only make use of [[w:Tax|taxpayers’ money]] but are also [[w:Efficiency|economically viable]]. And for me, the answer is CO2 pricing.
**[[Angela Merkel]], Chancellor of Germany from 2005 to 2021, on Day 2 of [[w:2021 United Nations Climate Change Conference|the COP26 climate conference]] (excerpted from [https://www.bundesregierung.de/breg-en/news/speech-by-federal-chancellor-dr-angela-merkel-on-the-occasion-of-the-world-leaders-summit-at-the-26th-conference-of-the-parties-to-the-unfccc-cop26-in-glasgow-on-1-november-2021-1974784 &quot;Speech by Federal Chancellor Dr Angela Merkel on the occasion of the World Leaders’ Summit at the 26th Conference of the Parties to the UNFCCC (COP26) in Glasgow on 1 November 2021&quot;] at bundesregierung.de). (November 1, 2021)

*In the midst of this global brainstorming on [[global warming|climate change]], on behalf of India, I would like to present five [commitments] to deal with this challenge. First - India will take its non-fossil energy capacity to 500 gigawatts by 2030. Second - India will meet 50 percent of [[w:Electricity sector in India|its energy requirements]] from [[w:Renewable energy in India|renewable energy]] by 2030. . . . And fifth - by the year 2070, India will [[w:Carbon neutrality|achieve the target of Net Zero]]. . . . Today, when India has resolved to move forward with a new commitment and a new energy, the transfer of [[w:Climate finance|climate finance]] and low cost [[w:Clean technology|climate technologies]] have become more important. . . . India also understands [[w:Climate change and poverty|the suffering of all other developing countries]], shares them, and will continue to express [[w:climate justice|their expectations]].
** [[Narendra Modi]], Prime Minister of India since 2014, on Day 3 of [[w:2021 United Nations Climate Change Conference|the COP26 climate conference]] (excerpted from [https://www.mea.gov.in/Speeches-Statements.htm?dtl/34466/National+Statement+by+Prime+Minister+Shri+Narendra+Modi+at+COP26+Summit+in+Glasgow &quot;National Statement by Prime Minister Shri Narendra Modi at COP26 Summit in Glasgow&quot;] at mea.gov.in). (November 2, 2021)

===2022 and later===

* [T]he solution has to be real economy government regulations to ban or to make higher [the] cost of the brown and polluting industries. That said, there are parts of finance which are longer-term and [evaluate] [[w:Climate risk|climate risks]] . . . and these are asset owners, the pension funds, the wealth funds and the insurance companies who are not so transactional [and] they’re not [as] interested in a deal to be done today. And they are in fact often mandated by their governments to take into account climate risk. So, I think those players will step up in this instance [turmoil in energy markets following [[w:Economic impact of the 2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine#Impact on markets|Russia's 2022 invasion of Ukraine]]] and [now who might be] investing for [an electricity generation project with a] 10-year horizon which you have to do with gas they will [say], &quot;Let’s do it with renewables.&quot; And we’ve seen movements like that in the UK, where they’re pivoting towards [[w:Wind power|onshore wind]], which before the invasion was politically unviable because of the [[w:NIMBY|NIMBY factor]]. . . . [T]he pension funds and the actual asset owners . . . have a longer term of perspective. And they are actually driving the issue to their [[w:Category:Money managers|commercial managers who have to service them]] and they’re saying, &quot;Look, we want you to act on climate change,&quot; and that's a huge driver.
** Dylan Tanner, executive director of Influence Map (a London-based think tank &quot;that provides data and analysis on how business and finance are affecting the climate crisis&quot;), in an interview on the [[w:Climate One|Climate One podcast]] entitled [https://www.climateone.org/audio/big-money-investment-managers-driving-corporate-action &quot;Big Money: Investment Managers Driving Corporate Action&quot;.] (May 6, 2022)

* [A]s an [[w:Atmospheric science|atmospheric scientist]] and [[w:Environmental engineering|environmental engineer]], I focus most on [[w:Environmental technology|technologies]] — that’s what we think about most of what we need to be able to [[w:Renewable energy|clean up electricity]], what we need for [[w:Green vehicle|cleaner cars]]. But those aren’t going to [[w:Commercialization|make it to market]] and those aren’t going to [[w:Climate change mitigation|help cool the climate]] unless there are [[w:Climate change policy of the United States|policies that get those to be deployed domestically]]. And what we do domestically isn’t enough because [[w:List of countries by greenhouse gas emissions|we’re only 1/7th of the world’s emissions]], so we need diplomacy to take what we do here in the U.S. and make sure that that starts being applied in other parts of the world as well. . . . [A]s I was looking at the diplomacy [I noticed that what] the United States really gets right is being reciprocal . . . when we do something, we usually insist that [[w:List of the largest trading partners of the United States|our trading partners]] go along as well. You even hear in Congress talk about if we ever did have a [[w:Carbon tax|carbon tax]], being sure it got applied as [[w:Carbon tax#Border adjustments, tariffs and bans|tariffs on goods that got brought in]].
** [https://profiles.rice.edu/faculty/daniel-cohan Daniel S. Cohan,] professor of Civil and Environmental Engineering at Rice University, in an interview on the [[w:Marketplace (radio program)|''Marketplace Morning Report'' radio program]] entitled [https://www.marketplace.org/2022/05/30/a-3-pronged-approach-for-adopting-clean-power/ &quot;A 3-pronged approach for adopting clean power&quot;,] in which he discusses his book [https://books.google.com/books/about/Confronting_Climate_Gridlock.html?id=qC-PzgEACAAJ ''Confronting Climate Gridlock: How Diplomacy, Technology, and Policy Can Unlock a Clean Energy Future'' (March 29, 2022). Yale University Press.] ISBN 9780300251678. (May 30, 2022)

* [[w:Swanson's law|Solar has plunged by 90% in cost]]. [[w:Cost of electricity by source|Wind has plunged by 80% just in the past 11 or 12 years]]. . . . Things like [[w:Grid parity|wind and solar power really can already out-compete dirtier forms of electricity]], and [https://www.iea.org/news/renewable-electricity-growth-is-accelerating-faster-than-ever-worldwide-supporting-the-emergence-of-the-new-global-energy-economy we just need to build more of them quickly; we’re not adding them fast enough]. There are other technologies where we really need a big breakthrough. We don’t yet have affordable enough [[w:Heat pump|heat pumps]]. We don’t yet have a next generation [[w:Nuclear power|nuclear technology]] that’s cheap enough, if we ever will. [[w:Geothermal energy|Geothermal]] is really at the cusp of becoming something that I think could really take off. What I also see, though, is that what carries those cutting-edge technologies to the cheaper cost can’t just happen in the lab. [[w:Renewable energy commercialization#Public policy landscape|We need policies that pull those into the market]], that get them adopted more — because if we can [[w:Early adopter|adopt them while they’re at that edge; while they’re not quite cheap enough]], that can drive the [[w:Economies of scale|economies of scale]]; that can drive what technologists call [[w:Learning curve|learning by doing]].
** [https://profiles.rice.edu/faculty/daniel-cohan Daniel S. Cohan,] professor of Civil and Environmental Engineering at Rice University, in an interview on the [[w:Marketplace (radio program)|''Marketplace Morning Report'' radio program]] entitled [https://www.marketplace.org/2022/05/30/a-3-pronged-approach-for-adopting-clean-power/ &quot;A 3-pronged approach for adopting clean power&quot;,] in which he discusses his book [https://books.google.com/books/about/Confronting_Climate_Gridlock.html?id=qC-PzgEACAAJ ''Confronting Climate Gridlock: How Diplomacy, Technology, and Policy Can Unlock a Clean Energy Future'' (March 29, 2022). Yale University Press.] ISBN 9780300251678. (May 30, 2022)

==See also==
* [[Green New Deal]]
'''Wikipedia Articles''')
* [[w:List of renewable energy topics by country|List of renewable energy topics by country]]
* [[w: solar energy|Solar energy]]
* [[w:Sustainable energy|Sustainable energy]]
* [[w:Wave power|Wave power]]
* [[w:Wind power|Wind power]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{wiktionary}}

[[Category:Climate change]]
[[Category:Energy]]
[[Category:Environmentalism]]
[[Category:Sustainability]]
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      <text bytes="35620" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Renewable energy|Renewable energy]]''' is energy that is collected from [[w:renewable resource|renewable resource]]s that are naturally replenished on a [[w:Orders of magnitude (time)|human timescale]]. It includes sources such as [[sunlight]], [[w:wind power|wind]], [[rain]], [[w:tidal power|tides]], [[w:wave power|waves]], and [[w:geothermal energy|geothermal heat]]. Renewable energy stands in contrast to [[fossil fuel]]s, which are being used far more quickly than they are being replenished. Although most renewable energy sources are [[w:sustainable energy|sustainable]], some are not. For example, some [[w:biomass|biomass]] sources are considered unsustainable at current rates of exploitation.

[[File:Combined heat and power solar installation on barn roof in Western Europe 2.jpg|thumb|&quot;I'd put my money on the sun and [[w:Solar energy|solar energy]]. What a [[w:Electricity generation|source of power]]!&quot; - [[Thomas Edison]] in [https://www.nytimes.com/2007/06/03/magazine/03wwln-essay-t.html a conversation shortly before his death in 1931.] (This photo shows a combined heat and power solar installation on a barn roof in Germany.)]]

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== Quotes ==
[[File:Xingquanbao.eoliennes.jpg|thumb|&quot;[[w:Cost of electricity by source|Wind [power cost] has plunged by 80% just in the past 11 or 12 years]]. . . . Things like [[w:Grid parity|wind and solar power really can already out-compete dirtier forms of electricity]], and we just need to build more of them quickly; [as of May, 2022] we’re not adding them fast enough.&quot; - Daniel Cohan, Rice University. (This photo shows wind turbines in Gansu province, China.)]]

===Before 2001===

* I'd put my money on the sun and [[w:Solar energy|solar energy]]. What a [[w:Electricity generation|source of power]]! I hope we don’t have to wait until [[w:Oil depletion|oil]] and [[w:Non-renewable resource|coal run out]] before we tackle that.
** [[Thomas Edison]] (in a conversation shortly before his death in 1931), as quoted in [https://www.nytimes.com/2007/06/03/magazine/03wwln-essay-t.html a June 3, 2007 essay entitled &quot;Current Thinking&quot; by the journalist and documentary filmmaker Heather Rogers published in ''The New York Times Magazine''.]

===2001 to 2010===

* Although photosynthesis typically has an energy conversion efficiency below three percent, it is, together with heat from the sun, the main energy source of all living organisms, and the energy source from which biomass and fossil fuels are derived. Each year the earth receives an energy input from the sun equal to 15,000 times the world's commercial energy consumption and 100 times the world's proven coal, gas and oil reserves.
** Bernhard Scheffler, quoted by J. Clarke and D. Holt-Biddle in Coming Back to Earth, p. 78 (2002)

* There is one forecast of which you can already be sure: someday renewable energy will be the only way for people to satisfy their energy needs. Because of the physical, ecological and (therefore) social limits to nuclear and fossil energy use, ultimately nobody will be able to circumvent renewable energy as the solution, even if it turns out to be everybody’s last remaining choice. The question keeping everyone in suspense, however, is whether we shall succeed in making this radical change of energy platforms happen early enough to spare the world irreversible ecological mutilation and political and economic catastrophe.
** [[w:Hermann Scheer|Hermann Scheer]], member of the German Bundestag and President of the European Association for Renewable Energy, in his book [http://www.earthscan.co.uk/Portals/0/Files/Sample%20Chapters/9781844073559.pdf ''Energy Autonomy: The Economic, Social and Technological Case for Renewable Energy'' (2006).] Routledge Taylor &amp; Francis Group. ISBN 9781844073559.

===2011 to 2020===

*More solar energy falls on Earth in one hour than all the energy our civilization consumes in an entire year. If we could harness a tiny fraction of the available solar and wind power, we could supply all our energy needs forever, and without adding any carbon to the atmosphere.
** From the [[w:Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey#Twelfth Episode: The World Set Free|twelfth episode]] of the U.S. science documentary television series ''[[w:Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey|Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey]]'', first broadcast on June 1, 2014.

* Every percentage point increase in homegrown renewable energy makes us that much more energy secure. The progress in electricity is encouraging, but growth is not yet strong enough in renewable heat and transport to meet the government's objectives.
** Nina Skorupska, chief executive of the UK's Renewable Energy Association, as quoted in [http://www.theguardian.com/environment/2014/jun/26/wind-renewables-generated-fifth-britain-electricity-energy &quot;Wind and other renewables generated a fifth of Britain's electricity in early 2014&quot;] ''The Guardian.'' June 26, 2014.

* One of the [[w:Disruptive innovation|real breakthroughs]] is when someone figures out [[w:Energy storage|long-term storage capacity]].
** [[George Shultz]], US statesman and economist, discussing the need for improvements in batteries or other energy storage technology to better integrate [[w:Solar energy|solar]] and [[w:Wind energy|wind energy]] into the [[w:Electrical grid|electrical grid]], as quoted in [https://news.mit.edu/2014/george-shultz-climate-change-mit-talk-1001 &quot;George Shultz: 'Climate is changing,' and we need more action: Former secretary of state - and former MIT professor - urges progress on multiple fronts&quot;] ''MIT News.'' October 1, 2014.

[[File:Bill Gates MSC 2017 (cropped).jpg|thumb|[https://www.ft.com/content/4f66ff5c-1a47-11e5-a130-2e7db721f996 &quot;The only way you can get to the very positive {CO&lt;sub&gt;2&lt;/sub&gt; reduction} scenario is by great innovation. Innovation really does bend the curve&quot;] - Bill Gates, global philanthropist and founder of Microsoft.]]
* The only way you can get to the very positive scenario is by great [[innovation]]. [[w:Innovation|Innovation really does bend the curve]].
** [[Bill Gates]], global philanthropist and founder of Microsoft, arguing that the cost of reducing CO&lt;sub&gt;2&lt;/sub&gt; emissions using existing technologies is &quot;beyond astronomical.&quot; From [https://www.ft.com/content/4f66ff5c-1a47-11e5-a130-2e7db721f996 &quot;Gates to double investment in renewable energy projects: Microsoft co-founder takes interest in new areas of research like in solar, high wind and new nuclear&quot;] ''Financial Times.'' June 25, 2015.

* If you told me that [[innovation]] had been frozen and we just have today's technologies, will the world run the climate change experiment? You bet we will. We will not deny India coal plants; we will run the scary experiment of heating up the atmosphere and seeing what happens. The only reason I'm optimistic about this problem is because of [[w:Innovation|innovation]]. . . . I want to tilt the odds in our favor by driving innovation at an unnaturally high pace, or more than its current business-as-usual course. I see that as the only thing. I want to call up India someday and say, &quot;Here's a source of energy that is cheaper than your coal plants, and by the way, from a global pollution and local pollution point of view, it's also better.&quot;
** [[Bill Gates]], in [https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2015/11/we-need-an-energy-miracle/407881/ &quot;We need an energy miracle&quot; (Interview with Bill Gates).] ''The Atlantic.'' November 2015 issue.

* Cheaper coal and cheaper gas will not derail the transformation and decarbonisation of the world’s power systems. By 2040, zero-emission energy sources will make up 60% of installed capacity.
** Bloomberg New Energy Finance report entitled [https://www.bloomberg.com/company/new-energy-outlook &quot;New Energy Outlook 2016 (An annual long-term view of how the world's power markets will evolve in the future)&quot;].

* We have long supported a [[w:carbon tax|carbon tax]] as the best policy of those being considered. Replacing the hodge-podge of current, largely ineffective regulations with a revenue-neutral carbon tax would ensure a uniform and predictable [[w:Carbon price|cost of carbon]] across the economy. It would allow market forces to drive solutions. It would maximize transparency, reduce administrative complexity, promote global participation and easily adjust to future developments in our understanding of climate science as well as the policy consequences of these actions.
** [[Rex Tillerson]], Chairman and CEO of ExxonMobil, in a speech entitled [http://corporate.exxonmobil.com/en/company/news-and-updates/speeches/the-path-forward-in-todays-energy-environment &quot;The Path Forward in Today’s Energy Environment&quot;] delivered at the 37th Annual Oil and Money Conference in London on October 19, 2016.

* Rather than an eyesore on the roof, it becomes actually a feature of the home. People are going to start wanting to put [[w:Building-integrated photovoltaics|{building-integrated photovoltaics}]] on the front side of their home to show that they have solar.
** Christopher Klinga, technical director of the (U.S.-based) Architectural Solar Association, as quoted in [http://www.nbcnews.com/mach/innovation/next-solar-energy-revolution-hiding-plain-sight-n742111 &quot;The Next Solar Energy Revolution Is Hiding in Plain Sight.&quot;] NBCNews.com. April 10, 2017.

* [W]ind and solar power have been rapidly winning market acceptance. Last year, the installed capacity of solar power in the United States nearly doubled. And wind is now being harnessed to produce 5.5 percent of America’s electricity, according to the [[w:Energy Information Administration |U.S. Energy Information Administration]].
** Norm Alster, journalist, in [https://www.nytimes.com/2017/04/15/business/mutfund/trump-coal-renewable-investing.html &quot;Investing in Solar and Wind in a Coal and Oil Moment.&quot;] ''The New York Times.'' April 15, 2017.

[[File:Abraham Archibald Anderson - Thomas Alva Edison - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|&quot;The next big act belongs to the [[Engineering|engineers]]. [https://www.project-syndicate.org/commentary/cop24-rulebook-time-for-engineers-by-jeffrey-d-sachs-2018-12 Energy transformation for climate safety is our twenty-first-century moonshot.&quot;] - [[Jeffrey Sachs]], development economist. (Pictured above is [[Thomas Edison]], considered one of the greatest [[Invention|inventors]] and engineers of all time.)]]
* The transition to renewable energy can be greatly accelerated if the world’s governments finally bring the [[Engineering|engineers]] to the fore... I was recently on a panel with three economists and a senior business-sector engineer. After the economists spoke... the engineer spoke succinctly and wisely. “I don’t really understand what you economists were just speaking about, but I do have a suggestion... Tell us engineers the desired ‘specs’ and the timeline, and we’ll get the job done.” This is not bravado.... The next big act belongs to the engineers. [[w:Energy transition|Energy transformation]] for [[w:Climate security|climate safety]] is our twenty-first-century [[Apollo 11|moonshot]]. 
** [[Jeffrey Sachs]] in [https://www.project-syndicate.org/commentary/cop24-rulebook-time-for-engineers-by-jeffrey-d-sachs-2018-12 ''For Climate Safety, Call in the Engineers, Project Syndicate'']  (20 December 2018)

[[File:VCY CG CB CV cent grp 121613 0517 02844 (13896600480).jpg|thumb|&quot;A [[w:carbon tax|carbon tax]] will send a powerful price signal that harnesses the invisible hand of the marketplace to steer economic actors towards a low-carbon future.&quot; - [https://clcouncil.org/economists-statement/ &quot;Economists’ Statement on Carbon Dividends&quot;] signed by more than 3,500 economists, including every living former chair of the US Federal Reserve (pictured, from left to right: Janet Yellen, Alan Greenspan, Ben Bernanke and Paul Volcker).]]
* A [[w:carbon tax|carbon tax]] offers the most cost-effective lever to reduce carbon emissions at the scale and speed that is necessary. By correcting a well-known market failure, a carbon tax will send a powerful price signal that harnesses the invisible hand of the marketplace to steer economic actors towards a low-carbon future. . . . A consistently rising carbon price will encourage technological [[innovation]] and large-scale infrastructure development.
** &quot;Economists’ Statement on Carbon Dividends: Bipartisan agreement on how to combat climate change.&quot; (Statement signed by more than 3,500 economists, including every living former chair of the U.S. Federal Reserve and 27 Nobel laureates.)
*** [https://www.wsj.com/articles/economists-statement-on-carbon-dividends-11547682910 Economists’ Statement on Carbon Dividends (The statement's original publication - subscription required to view in full.)] ''The Wall Street Journal.'' January 16, 2019.
*** [https://clcouncil.org/economists-statement/ Economists’ Statement on Carbon Dividends (Republication - no subscription needed to view.)] Republished by the Climate Leadership Council. Originally published on January 16, 2019.

* [[w:Offshore wind power|Offshore wind]]'s remarkable potential: [[w:List of offshore wind farms|The global offshore wind market]] grew nearly 30% per year between 2010 and 2018, benefitting from rapid technology improvements and about 150 new offshore wind projects . . . in active development around the world. . . . Yet today's offshore wind market doesn't even come close to tapping the full potential - with high-quality resources available in most major markets, offshore wind has the potential to generate more than 420,000 [terawatt-hours] per year worldwide. This is more than 18 times [[w:Electric energy consumption|global electricity demand today]].
** [https://www.iea.org/reports/offshore-wind-outlook-2019 &quot;Offshore Wind Outlook 2019: World Energy Outlook special report.&quot;] [[w:International Energy Agency|International Energy Agency]]. (November, 2019)

[[File:East Anglia ONE windfarm construction 2.jpg|thumb|&quot;[[w:Offshore wind power|Offshore wind]] is in a category of its own, as the only [[w:Variable renewable energy|variable]] [[w:Base load|baseload]] power generation technology.&quot; - This photo shows the [[w:East Anglia Array|East Anglia ONE offshore windfarm]] under construction in the North Sea about 43 kilometers east of the English coast, October 2019.]]

* [[w:Offshore wind power|Offshore wind]] is in a category of its own, as the only [[w:Variable renewable energy|variable]] [[w:Base load|baseload]] power generation technology. . . . Offshore wind output . . . hourly variability is lower than that of solar [photovoltaics]. Offshore wind typically fluctuates within a narrower band, up to 20% from hour-to-hour, than is the case for solar [photovoltaics], up to 40% from hour-to-hour.
** [https://www.iea.org/reports/offshore-wind-outlook-2019 &quot;Offshore Wind Outlook 2019: World Energy Outlook special report.&quot;] [[w:International Energy Agency|International Energy Agency]]. (November, 2019)

* The clean energy portfolios of some of the largest corporate buyers rival those of the world’s biggest utilities. These companies are facing mounting pressure from investors to [[w:Low-carbon economy|decarbonize]] - [[w:Power purchase agreement|clean energy contracts]] serve as a way to [[w:Energy management|diversify energy spend]] and reduce susceptibility to the tangible [[w:Climate risk|risks associated with climate change]].
** Kyle Harrison, sustainability analyst at [[w:Bloomberg L.P.#New Energy Finance|BloombergNEF]] and lead author of its ''1H 2020 Corporate Energy Market Outlook'' report, as quoted in a summary discussing the report entitled [https://about.bnef.com/blog/corporate-clean-energy-buying-leapt-44-in-2019-sets-new-record/ &quot;Corporate Clean Energy Buying Leapt 44% in 2019, Sets New Record&quot;], published on January 28, 2020.

* [N]ew [[w:Cost of electricity by source|renewable power generation projects now increasingly undercut existing coal-fired plants]]. On average, new [[w:Solar energy|solar]] [[w:Photovoltaics|photovoltaic (PV)]] and onshore [[w:Wind power|wind power]] cost less than keeping many existing [[w:Coal-fired power station|coal plants]] in operation, and [[w:Electricity market|auction]] results show this trend accelerating – reinforcing the case to [[w:Coal phase-out|phase-out coal]] entirely.
** [[w:International Renewable Energy Agency|International Renewable Energy Agency]] press release entitled [https://www.irena.org/newsroom/pressreleases/2020/Jun/Renewables-Increasingly-Beat-Even-Cheapest-Coal-Competitors-on-Cost &quot;Renewables Increasingly Beat Even Cheapest Coal Competitors on Cost: Competitive power generation costs make investment in renewables highly attractive as countries target economic recovery from COVID-19, new IRENA report finds.&quot;] June 2, 2020.

* I think it’s clear now that [[w:Sustainable energy | energy has to be clean]]. . . . And [[w:Renewable energy commercialization | we should do it in ways that give jobs to everybody]]. . . . There’s [[w:Renewable energy transition | so much to do in renewable power]], there is [[w:Coal-fired power station | so little to do in coal]].
** [[w:William McDonough|William McDonough]], as quoted in [https://www.marketplace.org/2020/08/19/pollution-climate-change-waste-economy-architect-william-mcdonough/ &quot;Eliminating the concept of waste from the economy&quot;], from the ''Marketplace Morning Report'' segment of the US National Public Radio ''Morning Edition'' program, August 19, 2020.

===2021===

* Future Outlook: Global [[w:Offshore wind power|offshore wind energy]] deployment is expected to accelerate in the future, with forecasts from [https://www.4coffshore.com/ 4C Offshore] and [https://about.bnef.com/ Bloomberg New Energy Finance] indicating a sevenfold increase in global cumulative offshore wind capacity - to 215 [gigawatts] or more by 2030 (BNEF 2020; 4C Offshore 2021). As part of that predicted surge, [[w:List of offshore wind farms in the United States|the U.S. offshore wind energy market continues to expand]], primarily driven by increasing state-level procurement targets in the Northeast and mid-Atlantic, an increased number of projects clearing major permitting milestones, as well as growing vessel, port, and infrastructure investments needed to keep pace with development.
** [https://www.energy.gov/sites/default/files/2021-09/offshore-wind-market-report-2021-executive-summary.pdf &quot;Executive Summary&quot; for &quot;Offshore Wind Market Report: 2021 Edition.&quot;] [[w:United States Department of Energy|US Department of Energy]], [[w:Office of Energy Efficiency and Renewable Energy|Office of Energy Efficiency &amp; Renewable Energy]]. (August, 2021)

====How to Avoid a Climate Disaster (book)====

''How to Avoid a Climate Disaster: The Solutions We Have and the Breakthroughs We Need''. Book published by Alfred A. Knopf on February 16, 2021. ISBN 9780385546133 (hardcover), ISBN 9780385546140 (e-book). &lt;br /&gt; 
[[How to Avoid a Climate Disaster | Main Wikiquote page for ''How to Avoid a Climate Disaster'']] &lt;br /&gt; 
[[w:How to Avoid a Climate Disaster | Wikipedia page for ''How to Avoid a Climate Disaster'']]

[[File:Renewable Energy on the Grid.jpg|thumb|&quot;Deploying today’s [[w:Renewable energy|renewables]] and improving [[w:Electric power transmission|transmission]] couldn’t be more important. [And] even as we deploy, deploy, deploy [[w:Solar power|solar]] and [[w:Wind power|wind]], the world is going to need some new clean electricity inventions too.&quot; - [[Bill Gates]], from his book, [[w:How to Avoid a Climate Disaster|''How to Avoid a Climate Disaster'' (2021)]].]]

* When it comes to climate change, I know [[innovation]] isn’t the only thing we need. But we cannot [[w:Climate change mitigation|keep the earth livable]] without it. [[w:Environmental technology|Techno-fixes]] are not sufficient, but they are necessary.
** [[Bill Gates]], from page 14 of his book [[w:How to Avoid a Climate Disaster|''How to Avoid a Climate Disaster'' (2021)]].

* [W]e’re going to need ''much'' more [[w:Clean electricity|clean electricity]] in the coming years. Most experts agree that as we [[w:Electrification|electrify]] other [[w:Emission intensity|carbon-intensive processes]] like [[w:Steelmaking|making steel]] and [[w:Electric car|running cars]], [[w:World energy supply and consumption|the world’s electricity supply]] will need to double or even triple by 2050. And that doesn’t even account for population growth, or the fact that people will get richer and use more electricity. So the world will need much more than three times [[w:Electricity generation|the electricity we generate now]].
** [[Bill Gates]], from page 79 of his book [[w:How to Avoid a Climate Disaster|''How to Avoid a Climate Disaster'' (2021)]].

* Deploying today’s [[w:Renewable energy|renewables]] and improving [[w:Electric power transmission|transmission]] couldn’t be more important. . . . Unless we use large amounts of [[w:Nuclear power|nuclear energy]] . . . every path to zero [net emissions] in the United States will require us to install as much [[w:Wind power|wind]] and [[w:Solar power|solar power]] as we can build and find room for. It’s hard to say exactly [[w:Electricity sector of the United States|how much of America’s electricity will come from renewables]] in the end, but what we do know is that between now and 2050 we have to build them much faster - on the order of 5 to 10 times faster - than we’re doing right now. And remember that most countries aren’t as lucky as the United States when it comes to [[w:Solar power by country|solar]] and [[w:Wind power by country|wind resources]]. The fact that we can hope to generate a large percentage of our power from renewables is the exception rather than the rule. That’s why, even as we deploy, deploy, deploy solar and wind, the world is going to need some new clean electricity inventions too.
** [[Bill Gates]], from pages 83 and 84 of his book [[w:How to Avoid a Climate Disaster|''How to Avoid a Climate Disaster'' (2021)]].

* Over the past decade, [[w:Wind power#Wind power capacity and production|installed wind capacity]] has grown by an average of 20 percent a year, and [[w:Wind turbine|wind turbines]] now provide about 5 percent of [[w:World energy supply and consumption#Electricity generators are driven by|the world's electricity]]. Wind is growing for one simple reason: [[w:Wind power#Electric power cost and trends|It's getting cheaper]].
** [[Bill Gates]], from page 193 of his book [[w:How to Avoid a Climate Disaster|''How to Avoid a Climate Disaster'' (2021)]].

====COP26 Climate Conference in Scotland, UK====

[[w:2021 United Nations Climate Change Conference|26th United Nations Climate Change Conference (or &quot;COP26&quot;)]], held in Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom from October 31st to November 13th, 2021

[[File:Official portrait of the Prime Minister Narendra Modi, November 2020 (cropped).jpg|thumb|&quot;India will take its non-fossil energy capacity to 500 gigawatts by 2030, [and] India will meet 50 percent of [[w:Electricity sector in India|its energy requirements]] from [[w:Renewable energy in India|renewable energy]] by 2030.&quot; - [[Narendra Modi]], Prime Minister of India since 2014, addressing the COP26 international climate conference. (Nov. 2, 2021)]]

* [[Global warming|Climate change]] is already . . . [[w:Economic impacts of climate change|costing our nations trillions of dollars]] [and] we know that none of us can escape [[w:Effects of climate change|the worst that’s yet to come if we fail to seize this moment]]. . . . But . . . within the growing catastrophe, I believe there’s an [[w:Green growth|incredible opportunity . . . .  We have the ability to invest in ourselves]] and build an equitable [[w:Sustainable energy|clean-energy]] future and in the process create [[w:Full employment|millions of good-paying jobs]] [while we] [[w:Environmental justice|create an environment that raises the standard of living]] around the world. . . . When I talk to the American people about climate change, I tell them it’s about [[w:Green job|jobs]].  It’s about workers [and the] communities that will [[w:Green economy|revitalize themselves around new industries and opportunities]]. . . . So, [[w:Climate change mitigation|let’s get to work]].
** [[Joe Biden]], President of the United States, on Day 2 of [[w:2021 United Nations Climate Change Conference|the climate conference]] (excerpted from [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/11/01/remarks-by-president-biden-at-the-cop26-leaders-statement/ &quot;Remarks by President Biden at the COP26 Leaders Statement&quot;] at whitehouse.gov). (November 1, 2021)

*We are aware that [[w:List of countries by greenhouse gas emissions|the industrialised countries have a particular responsibility]]. . . . [[w:Climate finance|The financing]] is essential if the industrialised countries are to maintain their credibility. . . . Ladies and gentlemen, with government activities alone we will not make progress. For this requires radical transformation of [[w:Individual action on climate change|how we live]], [[w:Climate change mitigation|work and conduct business]]. I therefore want to take this opportunity to make a very clear appeal for [[w:Carbon price|pricing for CO2 emissions]]. With this form of pricing, [[w:European Union Emissions Trading System|which we already have in the European Union]], which is [[w:Chinese national carbon trading scheme|to be introduced in China]] and which needs to be developed together with many others throughout the world, we could get our industries and businesses to find the technologically most effective and efficient ways to achieve [[w:Carbon neutrality|climate neutrality]]. We need to work out [[w:Low-carbon economy|how we can best integrate CO2-free mobility, CO2-free industry and CO2-free processes into our lives]]. My clear call in the Decade of Action, in the decade in which we now live, is for us to become more ambitious at a national level and at the same time to find global instruments that not only make use of [[w:Tax|taxpayers’ money]] but are also [[w:Efficiency|economically viable]]. And for me, the answer is CO2 pricing.
**[[Angela Merkel]], Chancellor of Germany from 2005 to 2021, on Day 2 of [[w:2021 United Nations Climate Change Conference|the COP26 climate conference]] (excerpted from [https://www.bundesregierung.de/breg-en/news/speech-by-federal-chancellor-dr-angela-merkel-on-the-occasion-of-the-world-leaders-summit-at-the-26th-conference-of-the-parties-to-the-unfccc-cop26-in-glasgow-on-1-november-2021-1974784 &quot;Speech by Federal Chancellor Dr Angela Merkel on the occasion of the World Leaders’ Summit at the 26th Conference of the Parties to the UNFCCC (COP26) in Glasgow on 1 November 2021&quot;] at bundesregierung.de). (November 1, 2021)

*In the midst of this global brainstorming on [[global warming|climate change]], on behalf of India, I would like to present five [commitments] to deal with this challenge. First - India will take its non-fossil energy capacity to 500 gigawatts by 2030. Second - India will meet 50 percent of [[w:Electricity sector in India|its energy requirements]] from [[w:Renewable energy in India|renewable energy]] by 2030. . . . And fifth - by the year 2070, India will [[w:Carbon neutrality|achieve the target of Net Zero]]. . . . Today, when India has resolved to move forward with a new commitment and a new energy, the transfer of [[w:Climate finance|climate finance]] and low cost [[w:Clean technology|climate technologies]] have become more important. . . . India also understands [[w:Climate change and poverty|the suffering of all other developing countries]], shares them, and will continue to express [[w:climate justice|their expectations]].
** [[Narendra Modi]], Prime Minister of India since 2014, on Day 3 of [[w:2021 United Nations Climate Change Conference|the COP26 climate conference]] (excerpted from [https://www.mea.gov.in/Speeches-Statements.htm?dtl/34466/National+Statement+by+Prime+Minister+Shri+Narendra+Modi+at+COP26+Summit+in+Glasgow &quot;National Statement by Prime Minister Shri Narendra Modi at COP26 Summit in Glasgow&quot;] at mea.gov.in). (November 2, 2021)

===2022 and later===

* [[w:Offshore wind power|Offshore wind]] [[w:Wind turbine|turbines]] reach even higher and wider than land-based ones. Though twice as expensive as land-based wind, their costs are falling fast. That’s making offshore wind increasingly attractive in [[w:List of offshore wind farms|coastal regions of Europe]] and [[w:List of offshore wind farms in the United States|the northeastern United States]], where population density is high, land is scarce, and winds over the ocean far outpace those over land.
** [https://profiles.rice.edu/faculty/daniel-cohan Daniel S. Cohan], from page 83 of his book [https://books.google.com/books/about/Confronting_Climate_Gridlock.html?id=qC-PzgEACAAJ ''Confronting Climate Gridlock: How Diplomacy, Technology, and Policy Can Unlock a Clean Energy Future''.] Yale University Press. ISBN 9780300251678. (March 29, 2022)

* [T]he solution has to be real economy government regulations to ban or to make higher [the] cost of the brown and polluting industries. That said, there are parts of finance which are longer-term and [evaluate] [[w:Climate risk|climate risks]] . . . and these are asset owners, the pension funds, the wealth funds and the insurance companies who are not so transactional [and] they’re not [as] interested in a deal to be done today. And they are in fact often mandated by their governments to take into account climate risk. So, I think those players will step up in this instance [turmoil in energy markets following [[w:Economic impact of the 2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine#Impact on markets|Russia's 2022 invasion of Ukraine]]] and [now who might be] investing for [an electricity generation project with a] 10-year horizon which you have to do with gas they will [say], &quot;Let’s do it with renewables.&quot; And we’ve seen movements like that in the UK, where they’re pivoting towards [[w:Wind power|onshore wind]], which before the invasion was politically unviable because of the [[w:NIMBY|NIMBY factor]]. . . . [T]he pension funds and the actual asset owners . . . have a longer term of perspective. And they are actually driving the issue to their [[w:Category:Money managers|commercial managers who have to service them]] and they’re saying, &quot;Look, we want you to act on climate change,&quot; and that's a huge driver.
** Dylan Tanner, executive director of Influence Map (a London-based think tank &quot;that provides data and analysis on how business and finance are affecting the climate crisis&quot;), in an interview on the [[w:Climate One|Climate One podcast]] entitled [https://www.climateone.org/audio/big-money-investment-managers-driving-corporate-action &quot;Big Money: Investment Managers Driving Corporate Action&quot;.] (May 6, 2022)

* [A]s an [[w:Atmospheric science|atmospheric scientist]] and [[w:Environmental engineering|environmental engineer]], I focus most on [[w:Environmental technology|technologies]] — that’s what we think about most of what we need to be able to [[w:Renewable energy|clean up electricity]], what we need for [[w:Green vehicle|cleaner cars]]. But those aren’t going to [[w:Commercialization|make it to market]] and those aren’t going to [[w:Climate change mitigation|help cool the climate]] unless there are [[w:Climate change policy of the United States|policies that get those to be deployed domestically]]. And what we do domestically isn’t enough because [[w:List of countries by greenhouse gas emissions|we’re only 1/7th of the world’s emissions]], so we need diplomacy to take what we do here in the U.S. and make sure that that starts being applied in other parts of the world as well. . . . [A]s I was looking at the diplomacy [I noticed that what] the United States really gets right is being reciprocal . . . when we do something, we usually insist that [[w:List of the largest trading partners of the United States|our trading partners]] go along as well. You even hear in Congress talk about if we ever did have a [[w:Carbon tax|carbon tax]], being sure it got applied as [[w:Carbon tax#Border adjustments, tariffs and bans|tariffs on goods that got brought in]].
** [https://profiles.rice.edu/faculty/daniel-cohan Daniel S. Cohan,] professor of Civil and Environmental Engineering at Rice University, in an interview on the [[w:Marketplace (radio program)|''Marketplace Morning Report'' radio program]] entitled [https://www.marketplace.org/2022/05/30/a-3-pronged-approach-for-adopting-clean-power/ &quot;A 3-pronged approach for adopting clean power&quot;,] in which he discusses his book [https://books.google.com/books/about/Confronting_Climate_Gridlock.html?id=qC-PzgEACAAJ ''Confronting Climate Gridlock: How Diplomacy, Technology, and Policy Can Unlock a Clean Energy Future'' (March 29, 2022). Yale University Press.] ISBN 9780300251678. (May 30, 2022)

* [[w:Swanson's law|Solar has plunged by 90% in cost]]. [[w:Cost of electricity by source|Wind has plunged by 80% just in the past 11 or 12 years]]. . . . Things like [[w:Grid parity|wind and solar power really can already out-compete dirtier forms of electricity]], and [https://www.iea.org/news/renewable-electricity-growth-is-accelerating-faster-than-ever-worldwide-supporting-the-emergence-of-the-new-global-energy-economy we just need to build more of them quickly; we’re not adding them fast enough]. There are other technologies where we really need a big breakthrough. We don’t yet have affordable enough [[w:Heat pump|heat pumps]]. We don’t yet have a next generation [[w:Nuclear power|nuclear technology]] that’s cheap enough, if we ever will. [[w:Geothermal energy|Geothermal]] is really at the cusp of becoming something that I think could really take off. What I also see, though, is that what carries those cutting-edge technologies to the cheaper cost can’t just happen in the lab. [[w:Renewable energy commercialization#Public policy landscape|We need policies that pull those into the market]], that get them adopted more — because if we can [[w:Early adopter|adopt them while they’re at that edge; while they’re not quite cheap enough]], that can drive the [[w:Economies of scale|economies of scale]]; that can drive what technologists call [[w:Learning curve|learning by doing]].
** [https://profiles.rice.edu/faculty/daniel-cohan Daniel S. Cohan,] professor of Civil and Environmental Engineering at Rice University, in an interview on the [[w:Marketplace (radio program)|''Marketplace Morning Report'' radio program]] entitled [https://www.marketplace.org/2022/05/30/a-3-pronged-approach-for-adopting-clean-power/ &quot;A 3-pronged approach for adopting clean power&quot;,] in which he discusses his book [https://books.google.com/books/about/Confronting_Climate_Gridlock.html?id=qC-PzgEACAAJ ''Confronting Climate Gridlock: How Diplomacy, Technology, and Policy Can Unlock a Clean Energy Future'' (March 29, 2022). Yale University Press.] ISBN 9780300251678. (May 30, 2022)

==See also==
* [[Green New Deal]]
'''Wikipedia Articles''')
* [[w:List of renewable energy topics by country|List of renewable energy topics by country]]
* [[w: solar energy|Solar energy]]
* [[w:Sustainable energy|Sustainable energy]]
* [[w:Wave power|Wave power]]
* [[w:Wind power|Wind power]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{wiktionary}}

[[Category:Climate change]]
[[Category:Energy]]
[[Category:Environmentalism]]
[[Category:Sustainability]]
[[Category:Technology]]</text>
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    <title>Tin Man (TV miniseries)</title>
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      <text bytes="5568" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Tin Man (TV miniseries)|Tin Man]]''' was a television fantasy miniseries on the Sci-Fi Channel. The story is continuation of [[L. Frank Baum]]'s fantasy novel, ''[[The Wizard of Oz]]''. It gives the story a science fiction/fantasy [[w:steampunk|steampunk]] emphasis and gives only allusive references to the original story. 

==Part 1==
:'''Azkadellia''': I felt a chill, doctor, and your little freak is going to tell me what it means.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Azkadellia''': ''[about DG]'' My God. The little bitch has [[The Wizard of Oz|gone to see the wizard]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''DG''': What are you doing?
:'''Glitch''': Up here? Little '''anklebiters''' thought it might be funny to keep me hanging around. Loosen that rope and I might have the last laugh! ''[gives DG a hopeful look, who hesitates]'' C'mon doll, if mom and pop really are on the route to Central City, then you're falling further and further behind.
:'''DG''': You know the way?
:'''Glitch''': Sure!  But it's kinda hard to give directions from up here.  Unless you have a better offer?
:'''DG''': ...What the hell? ''[loosens rope]''
:'''Glitch''': Hey, you aren't so hot on first glance either, honey! ''[pause]'' I-is there a problem?
:'''DG''': Oh, um... Your zipper's undone.
:'''Glitch''': Oh! Didn't mean to offend! Gotta be careful not to lose your marbles. But, since the sorceress made her medicos take mine... well, you flick the abucus.
:'''DG''': Why would they take your brain?
:'''Glitch''': Because of what I know. Or used to know. Whatever it was. ''[pause]'' Name's Glitch! On account of sometimes my synapses don't fire right. Sometimes my synapses don't fire right.
:'''DG''': You just said that.
:'''Glitch''': ''[blank look]'' Did I? ''[grin]'' There you go, Glitching again!
:'''DG''': ''[bemused smile]'' And here I was thinking this nightmare couldn't get any weirder.
:'''Glitch''': This isn't a nightmare. This is the O.Z. Used to be a piece of heaven too. Before Azkadee got her claws into it.
:'''DG''': ''[realization]'' Azkadellia! Sorceress of darkness!
:'''Glitch''': ''[nod]'' Mm.
:'''DG''': Village raider. Brain thief.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Azkadellia''': How is it that a young unarmed girl in a party dress eludes the toughest division in my army?

==Part 2==
:'''DG''': You are twisted.
:'''Azkadellia''': Why? Because with a little re-wiring I was able to acquire the things I have missed out on for too long? A father's love, a mother's affection.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Azkadellia''': Oh DG. My lovely little sister. That was the wrong... answer. Now we do it your way. Remember this: the next time I snuff out your insignificant little life, there will be no one standing by to save you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''DG''': Are you clear?
:'''Mystic Man''': I've never been clearer. It's all coming back to me now. My troubled childhood, a long life of scholarly pursuit and my brief but glamorous foray in show business. Though that part's a bit hazy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tutor''': Azkadellia.
:'''Azkadellia''': In the flesh. A little older, a lot smarter and most definitely still in charge.
:'''Tutor''': Nothing like a bloody coup to win the hearts and minds of the people. What do you want?
:'''Azkadellia''': I want the very thing you've dedicated your feeble life to: magic my friend. Those who can't do teach, right? Your freedom in exchange for your help.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Little Girl''': ''[crying]'' Help me.
:'''Young DG''': Our mother's not far away. We'll go get her.
:''[The little girl transforms into the Evil Witch of the Dark]''
:'''Evil Witch of the Dark:'' ''NO''. Ohhhhhh, the magic is strong in you. Let go. LET GO!

==Part 3==
:'''DG''': Green really isn't your colour.
:'''Azkadellia''': I can see you in marble. Green marble.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glitch''': You know, when I had a brain, I was twice as scared as I am now.  Which means, if I had no brain, I'd be four times as brave as I was when I was brainy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Azkadellia''': Do you know how long I have waited to see that look on your face? No phony smile, no brave front, just pure and utter shock. Possibly the only honest gift you ever gave me, ''Mother.''
:'''Lavender Eyes''': I am not your mother.
:'''Ahamo''': Our daughter is dead.
:'''Azkadellia''': Both of your daughters are dead.
:'''Ahamo''': ''[shocked]'' DG is dead?
:''[Lavender Eyes gasps]''
:'''Azkadellia''': Your royal line ends today in darkness. Permanent darkness.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Azkadellia''': Oh look. The Resistance has decided to throw me a fireworks display. Boys and their toys. But nobody's toy compares to mine.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Witch of the Dark''': Have the little bitch. I care not. ''[realises Azkadellia has the Emerald of the Eclipse]'' Give me the Emerald. Give it to me. GIVE ME THE EMERALD!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''DG''': Now ''that's'' the O.Z. I remember.

==Cast==
* [[Zooey Deschanel]] - DG
* [[Alan Cumming]] - Glitch/Ambrose
* [[Neal McDonough]] - Wyatt Cain
* [[Raoul Trujillo]] - Raw
* [[Kathleen Robertson]] - Azkadellia
* [[Karin Konoval]] - Evil Witch of the Dark
* [[Anna Galvin]] - Lavender Eyes
* [[Ted Whittall]] - Ahamo
* [[Richard Dreyfuss]] - The Mystic Man
* [[Blu Mankuma]] - Tutor/Toto
* [[Callum Keith Rennie]] - Zero
* [[Gwynyth Walsh]] - Emily
* [[Kevin McNulty (actor)|Kevin McNulty]] - Hank
* [[Rachel Pattee]] - Young DG
* [[Alexia Fast]] - Young Azkadellia

[[Category:Syfy shows]]
[[Category:Fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:Documentary television series and miniseries]]
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    <title>User:Switchercat/Sandbox</title>
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      <text bytes="251366" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:Bones (TV series)|Bones]]''''' (2005–) is a crime drama television series on the FOX Network, inspired by real-life forensic anthropologist and novelist, [[w:Kathy Reichs|Kathy Reichs]]. Forensic anthropologist Dr. [[w:Temperance Brennan|Temperance Brennan]] has an uncanny ability to read clues left behind in a victim's bones. Consequently, law enforcement calls her in to assist with murder investigations when the remains are so badly decomposed, burned, or destroyed that the standard identification methods are useless. 

== Season 1 ==
=== [[w:Pilot (Bones)|''Pilot'' [1.1]]] ===
:'''[[w:Temperance Brennan (Bones)|Brennan]]''': Tell me you tried &quot;excuse me&quot; first.
:'''[[w:Angela Montenegro|Angela]]''': Ah, sweetie. Yes, I did. Welcome home. Are you exhausted? Was Guatemala awful? Was it horribly backward?
:'''Brennan''': And yet, I was never reduced to flashing my boobs for information.
:'''Angela''': Flash 'em for any fun reasons?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': You know, diving headfirst in a pit of cadavers is no way to handle a messy breakup. 
:'''Brennan''': Angela, nothing Pete and I ever did was messy. 
:'''Angela''': ''[laughs]'' Then you weren't doing the right things. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Seeley Booth|Booth]]''': Bones identifies bodies for us.
:'''Brennan''': Don't call me &quot;Bones,&quot; and I do more than identify.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': A decomposed corpse was found this morning at Arlington National Cemetery.
:'''Brennan''': Arlington National Cemetery is full of decomposed corpses. It's a cemetery.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': ''[to Booth]'' If you drive one more block, I'm screaming &quot;kidnap&quot; out the window.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': You know, you're not the only forensic anthropologist in town.
:'''Brennan''': ''[laughs]'' Yes, I am. The next university is in Montreal. ''Parlez-vous français''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': What's it going to take?
:'''Brennan''': Full participation in the case.
:'''Booth''': Fine.
:'''Brennan''': Not just lab work. Everything.
:'''Booth''': What? You want me to spit in my hand? We're [[The X-Files|Scully and Mulder]].
:'''Brennan''': I don't know what that means.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': He's got no sense of discretion, that kid. Typical squint.
:'''Brennan''': I don't know what that means.
:'''Booth''': Cops get stuck, we bring in people like you. You know, squints. You know, squint at things.
:'''Brennan''': Oh, you mean people with very high IQs and basic reasoning skills?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': ''[looking at the screen]'' What exactly am I supposed to be squinting at? 
:'''Booth''': It's like pornography, you'll know it when you see it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': When did she die? 
:'''Brennan''': Eh.
:'''Zack''': Eh.
:'''Booth''': What does that even mean?
:'''Zack''': It means &quot;wait until our bug and slime guy takes a look.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': You know, in my line of work, no clothes usually means a sex crime. 
:'''Brennan''': In my line of work, it could also mean the victim favored natural fibers. 
:'''[[w:Zack Addy|Zack]]''': Your suit, for example, will outlast your bones by decades.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Goodman''': I do not view you as property, Dr. Brennan. You are one of the Jeffersonian's most valuable assets.
:'''Zack''': An asset is, by definition, property.
:'''Goodman''': What's the rule, Mr. Addy?
:'''Zack''': You only converse with PhDs. You do realize I'm halfway through two doctorates. Two halves make a whole, so mathematically speaking...
:'''Goodman''': Go polish a bone, Mr. Addy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Goodman''': Dr. Brennan, are you playing me?
:'''Brennan''': You know I'm no good at that.
:'''Goodman''': Hmm. Thus far. But you have a disturbingly steep learning curve.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Split the difference, mixed race.
:'''Angela''': [[w:Lenny Kravitz|Lenny Kravitz]] or [[w:Vanessa Williams|Vanessa Williams]]?
:'''Brennan''': I don't know what that means.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''':  Her name is Cleo Louise Eller. The only daughter to Ted and Sharon Eller.  Last seen approximately nine p.m., April 6th, 2003, leaving the cardio-deluxe gym on Kay Street.  She didn't even make it to her car.
:'''Brennan''':  Pretty good memory.
:'''Booth''':  Yeah, well, it's my job to find her.
:'''Hodgins''':  Well, in that case, congratulations on your success.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': A case this big, the director is going to create a special investigation unit. And if I line my ducks up in a row, I can, maybe, head it up. 
:'''Brennan''': I don't know what that means, but I think maybe I can be a duck.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': What are you trying to do?
:'''Brennan''': Blackmail you.
:'''Booth''': Blackmail a federal agent.
:'''Brennan''': Yes.
:'''Booth''': I don't like it.
:'''Brennan''': I'm fairly certain you're not supposed to.
:'''Booth''': Fine. You're in.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': What if Booth is right? What if I'm only good with bones and lousy with people? 
:'''Angela''': People like you. 
:'''Brennan''': I don't care if men like me. 
:'''Angela''': Okay, interesting jump from 'people' to 'men,' but I'm sure it means nothing.
:'''Brennan''': I hate psychology. My most meaningful relationships are with dead people.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Temperance, partners share things. Builds trust. 
:'''Brennan''': Since when are we partners?
:'''Booth''': I apologize for the assumption.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Oliver''': He killed Cleo?
:'''Booth''': Yeah, he did.
:'''Oliver''': Then I'm down with him bleeding to death.
:'''Booth''': That guy bleeds to death, Bones will go on trial for attempted murder. You don't want that, do you?
:'''Oliver''': No.
:'''Booth''': Plus, I understand that applying pressure to a wound can be extremely painful.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': Is the FBI going to lay charges against Brennan?
:'''Hodgins''': She only shot him in the leg... once. 
:'''Booth''': She didn't give him a warning. She just shot him... with alcohol on her breath. 
:'''Goodman''': It was her first shooting, you can't expect her to be perfect right out of the gate. 
:'''Zack''': How much warning did you give people before you sniped them?

=== [[w:The Man in the S.U.V.|''The Man in the S.U.V.'' [1.2]]] ===
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zack''': If Smokey here had access to the president, why would he attack a café?
:'''Brennan''': &quot;Smokey&quot;?
:'''Zack''': It's how I deal with stress.
:'''Hodgins''': Targeting everyday places causes panic. People stay home, the economy is crippled. It's Terrorism 101, man.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zack''': Isn't that the FBI's job?
:'''Hodgins''': What, you trust the FBI? You realize those guys are gonna suppress whatever they need to cover their asses! 
:'''Zack''': ''[to Brennan]'' I found a portion of the clavicle.
:'''Hodgins''': Are you even listening?
:'''Zack''': No.
:'''Hodgins''': They have a separate division, you know. That way their hands are always clean. In 1970...
:'''Brennan''': Jack! We're trying to work! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': Someone seems really defensive about the FBI lately. You realize Booth is just another government stooge?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': We're dealing with someone here who devalues an entire culture, terrorizing people by using God to justify mass murder.
:'''Brennan''': You're making it personal. That doesn't help.
:'''Booth''': It ''is'' personal, Bones. All of us die a little bit on one like this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agent Gibson''': Dr. Brennan, whatever you have there&amp;mdash;
:'''Brennan''': It's a piece of paper. That's all. With some writing on it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': ''[to Brennan]'' I think [Booth] likes you. God, if I were you, I'd buy a ticket on that ride.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': Too bad we can't tell why he did it. Isn't that what we all want to know?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agent Gibson''': Dr. Brennan, I have jurisdiction. 
:'''Brennan''': Then why don't I destroy my notes and let you guarantee the identity of the remains?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': I was just studying a cranial fissure on a corporate attorney last week. Of course, he was dead, so...
:'''Tessa''': Interesting.
:'''Brennan''': Thanks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Okay, what's so funny?
:'''Brennan''': I just never figured you being in a relationship. 
:'''Booth''': Why? Do you think something's wrong with me?
:'''Brennan''': Not wrong. You just have alpha male attributes usually associated with a solitary existence. 
:'''Booth''': What, me? You're solitary.
:'''Brennan''': No, no, I'm private.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': He thinks just because Masruk's wife started working out and had a little makeover, she's having an affair. 
:'''Angela''': Hmm, and how long were they married?
:'''Booth''': Eleven years. 
:'''Angela''': I'm with him. 
:'''Brennan''': There's no concrete proof. 
:'''Angela''': Boobs perkier? 
:'''Booth''': Mmm-hmm.
:'''Brennan''': I don't believe this. If you're so sure, then why didn't you confront her?
:'''Angela''': Because if she and her boyfriend were involved, she would warn him. 
:'''Booth''': Very good. 
:'''Angela''': I'm a constant surprise.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': ''[to Booth]'' So, how many nights a week does &quot;Sexy&quot; sleep over?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': I graduated top of my class, Rhodes Scholar, the youngest member inducted into the Academy of Physical Sciences, but [Brennan] still makes me feel like a cretin.
:'''Zack''': ''[smugly]'' She apologized to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': Apparently, they live together a few times a week. But he made it very clear that she has her own place.
:'''Zack''': Should you be intruding in their lives like this?
:'''Angela''': Oh yeah. Absolutely.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': ''[referring to Brennan]'' Please, she's been sleeping alone for months! She has enough pent-up sexual energy to power a small Midwestern city.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Can we talk about something else? 
:'''Brennan''': Sure. Tessa?
:'''Booth''': Tessa?! No. Why do you want to talk about Tessa?
:'''Brennan''': What? Why? Why not? We won't talk about Tessa.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': We'll find out who killed him, Booth. We've got Hamid's body. You can always count on the dead.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Isn't the FBI working on that?
:'''Hodgins''': Yes. It's just for fun. 
:'''Brennan''': To see who's better?
:'''Hodgins''': Maybe. A little. Yeah. 
:'''Brennan''': Good luck.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': There is trouble in paradise!
:'''Brennan''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Angela''': Tessa does not feel secure in that relationship. I think she's threatened by you!
:'''Brennan''': You ''talked'' to her?
:'''Angela''': Well, she didn't say much, but even though she has a phenomenal figure, she was chowing down on a fat-free muffin, and she was reading a book about unsolved FBI cases. Ah... She's obviously feeling insecure.
:'''Hodgins''': She's ''spying'' for you?
:'''Brennan''': No, no!
:'''Zack''': They have nothing in common. It's difficult to sublimate intense sexual attraction. And we hear it's been a while.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Trying to track down the doctor?
:'''Brennan''': Don't need him. It's definitely a toxin, but we can't determine what kind.
:'''Zack''': Too bad the liver is cooked. That could tell us everything.
:'''Booth''': You know, I need subtitles walking in here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zack''': ''[about his ''[[w:Dermestes maculatus|Dermestes maculatus]]'' beetles]'' You can't kill them, they have names.

=== ''The Boy in the Tree'' [1.3] ===
:'''Zack''':  She said take a hint, but when I asked &quot;what hint?&quot; Naomi said if she told me what hint that it wouldn't be a hint anymore, it would be a statement.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zack''':  I understood the individual words but I do not comprehend her meaning.
:'''Angela''':  Did you tell Naomi that?
:'''Zack''': Yes. She said ask your friends if I have any.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': You want to increase the perimeter here? Gentleman, give my forensic anthropologist some room.
:'''Brennan''': &quot;Your&quot; forensic anthropologist?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''':  Ah, you know, I'm glad we had that little chat about being nice to the locals.
:'''Brennan''':  I don't like sheriffs.  They are elected into office, which means their goal is being re-elected, not finding the truth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''':  Can you identify him through the serial number?
:'''Brennan''':  That's correct, but the interesting thing is that...
:'''Booth''':  Ah, you can fill me in later.
:'''Brennan''':  No, but the interesting thing is that it's...
:'''Booth''':  That is correct.
:'''Brennan''':  What?
:'''Booth''':  That is interesting.
:'''Brennan''':  Are you drunk or something?
:'''Booth''':  Ah, we'll catch up later. And, uh, thanks for calling.
:'''Brennan''':  Wait! I'm not completely certain the boy's death was a suicide.
:'''Booth''': Ah, you know, we'll grab some Chinese food and you can fill me in later on all the boring details.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At the lab. Brennan is looking at an x-ray in the light over the body on a table. Booth comes walking into the lab towards the platform.]''
:'''Booth''': What do you mean it's not a suicide? ''[A post leading up the stairs to the podium starts to beep and flash red rapidly.]''  What the hell is that?
:'''Brennan''':  We can't just let anyone step into the forensics area and contaminate all the ''boring details''.
:'''Booth''':  The boring details - ''[to Zack]'' Do not push me, kid. ''[to Brennan]'' &quot;The boring details&quot; was my signal for you to stop talking, okay? I want my own card.
:'''Brennan''':  Well, I want my own gun.
:'''Booth''': Last time you had a gun you shot someone.
:'''Zack''':  He was a bad guy.
:'''Booth''':  Okay, look, who's our victim?
:'''Brennan''':  All the ''boring details''?
:'''Booth''':  Let it go, Bones, move on.
:'''Brennan''':  Don't call me &quot;Bones&quot;. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''':  I don't... I don't like people who think they're better then other people.
:'''Brennan''':  Some people are better than other people.
:'''Booth''': Uh, you know what you said right there... That is so un-American.  All men are created equal. Either you believe that or you don't.
:'''Brennan''':  Some people are smarter then others, there's no use being offended by the fact.  What are we going to tell Nester's parents?
:'''Booth''':  We tell them that their son was found dead.  &quot;We're looking into it.  Sorry for your loss.&quot; And we are.
:'''Brennan''':  What?
:'''Booth''':  Sorry for their loss.  It's sad.  Try to remember that.
:'''Brennan''': Uh, I'm not a sociopath.
:'''Booth''':  You're bad with people, okay? No use being offended by the fact.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zack''':  What did Naomi mean when she said 'take a hint'?
:'''Hodgins''':  Ooh.
:'''Zack''':  What did I do wrong?
:'''Hodgins''':  It's not what you did wrong.  It's what you didn't do.
:'''Zack''':  Where do you learn this stuff?
:'''Hodgins''':  There are some things you learn by doing… riding a bike, driving a car, pleasing a woman.
:'''Zack''':  I can't ride a bike or drive a car.
:'''Hodgins''': Or, apparently, please a woman.
:'''Zack''':  I need specific instructions, a list of techniques to implement or a sequence of moves.
:'''Hodgins''':  I'm not really the guy to talk to about that.
:'''Zack''':  Why not?  You've slept with like ten thousand women.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Sure, you know, someone says, you know, &quot;it smells&quot; in a Spanish accent and all of a sudden you're like, &quot;Hmmm, interesting.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''':  You know what's a better question?  What makes you think you get to decide what's relevant?  You're basically the principal of a high school.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': If you don't answer my questions, I'll take you down to FBI headquarters in handcuffs.
:'''Brennan''': He'll do it. He doesn't like you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': You're the least objective person I have ever met.
:'''Booth''': Thank you.
:'''Brennan''': It's not a compliment.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''':  Maybe if you looked for more than the facts, you would be able to see the bigger pic&amp;mdash;
:'''Brennan''':  Maybe if you opened your mind we could find out the actual truth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zack''':  I had sex with Naomi in Paleontology.
:'''Angela''':  You mean actually in Paleontology?
:'''Zack''':  No, at her place.  I thought it went great, but I could be wrong, because apparently what I think is wild and kinky is basic. And since she never called me back, I'm wondering if it's because I lack imagination in the sack.
:'''Angela''':  You know what, Zack?  I'm thinking this is more of a guy-guy conversation.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zack''': Sometime when you're not busy, I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions about sexual positions.
:'''Booth''':  If you even try, I will take out my gun and shoot you between the eyes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Well, this is where a public school education comes in handy. &quot;Divide and conquer&quot; was the playground motto.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''':  When you're with someone, the gymnastics aren't what matter.  It's who you are.  It's in your intentions and how much you care about the other person.
:'''Zack''':  If you don't want to help me, just say so.
:'''Angela''':  All right, I'm going to let you in on a secret.  This is a female secret.  Go to Naomi and tell her you don't know anything about lovemaking. Sex, yeah. Lovemaking, you're a blank slate.  You'll do anything she wants if she just introduces you to the secrets of love.  She'll be more interested in that then if you were the most imaginative lover on the planet
:'''Zack''':  That is totally counterintuitive.
:'''Angela''':  Just do it, Z-man. Reap the benefits of my sexual wisdom.

=== ''The Man in the Bear'' [1.4] ===
:'''Brennan''':  An autopsy on an animal is called necropsy.
:'''Booth''': Yeah, it's pretty crucial we get that straight right off the bat. Meanwhile, about the dead human being?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''':  Residual cross-section striae.
:'''Booth''': Hmm... Just because you say it in that definitive tone doesn't mean it means anything to me.

 &lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''':  I'm not going to Washington state.
:'''Booth''': Again, just because you say in that definitive tone doesn't mean it means anything to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Why is Booth the one who decides if we are going to Washington state?  He gets the gun and the authority.  He's the one that people like.
:'''Dr. Goodman''':  Firstly, he didn't decide that you go to Washington state.  He made a request.  I'm the one who decides where you do and do not go.
:'''Brennan''':  And secondly?
:'''Dr. Goodman''': Secondly, it's time to live a little, Temperance.  Connect with other people.
:'''Brennan''':  Are you suggesting that I take this opportunity to have sex with Booth on a field trip?
:'''Dr. Goodman''':  Good God, where's [[Sigmund Freud|Dr. Freud]] when you need him?
:'''Brennan''':  I don't understand what you are saying.
:'''Dr. Goodman''': Which is precisely why I am sending you to the great north woods. Come on now, you have partially digested human remains to examine.  That should put a smile on your face.  The mosquitoes out there are the size of dogs. Pack insect repellent.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''':  You know, being cooped up in a crappy hotel in the middle of nowhere with a fifty dollar per diem is not my idea of a good time either, you know.
:'''Brennan''':  You only get fifty dollars a day? How do you live on that?
:'''Booth''': Okay, what do you mean?  What do you get?
:'''Brennan''':  I don't have a limit, I just give them the receipts.
:'''Booth''':  Oh no, you have to have a limit.  Everyone has a limit.  We work for the government.
:'''Brennan''':  I don't have a limit.
:'''Booth''':  But it's not fair.  It's not fair to the taxpayers.  You could get one of those thousand-dollar toilet seats.
:'''Brennan''':  I imagine I'm treated differently than you because I have an indispensable skill.
:'''Booth''':  Oh right, indispensable.  I do not need you.
:'''Brennan''': Oh, so you can determine the origin of the curf marks as well as the sex and age of the victim?
:'''Booth''': ''[laughs]'' You know, you're a smartass.  You know that?
:'''Brennan''':  Objectively, I'd say I'm very smart, although it has nothing to do with my ass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''':  You know, it's beautiful here, feels good to be out of the city.
:'''Brennan''':  Yeah, where murderers feed their victims to bears.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Brennan enters Charlie's shop, carrying the human hand in a box]''
:'''Charlie''': Need a hand?
:'''Brennan''': Thanks, but I'm trying to get rid of this one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charlie''': ''[grabs the form Brennan filled out]'' Hey, Temperance Brennan, I'm reading your book.  Gave me a few ideas if I ever want to kill someone and get rid of the body.
:'''Brennan''': ''[laughs]'' Don't forget, Charlie, the heroine always catches the bad guy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''':  Oh yeah, now that you've met Bones you're all about the inner agency cooperation.
:'''Sheriff''':  &quot;Bones&quot;?  Now I don't think that is any way to talk to a lady.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''':  All I am saying is, why cut somebody into pieces? 
:'''Zack''':  Pack 'em up tighter, maybe, say in a suitcase.
:'''Hodgins''':  How did a bear open a suitcase?
:'''Zach''': I saw a documentary once where a bear got into a car and drove away.
:'''Hodgins''':  That was not a documentary, it was a cartoon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sherman''': Did you ever hear of the bone gatherers, collecting bones so that the dead can make their journey to the next world?
:'''Brennan''': Not even sure I believe in the next world.
:'''Sherman''': Doesn't matter what you believe in.  You're a bone gatherer.  That's a good thing, helping the spirits move on.
:'''Brennan''':  Thank you.  It's probably the best job description I will ever get.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charlie''':  Do you do all the stuff the girl in your book does?
:'''Brennan''':  I'm slightly uncomfortable discussing that with you.
:'''Charlie''':  No, I'm not talking about the sex.  I'm talking about the running and the shooting.  I mean, if you do do all that other stuff that's great too, for you and, um, whoever you're doing it with.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''':  We don't just have a killer on our hands, we have a cannibal.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''':  I've never been offered human flesh before.
:'''Booth''':  But what if you had?
:'''Brennan''':  It's an interesting question. I would have to measure my own social inculcation against scientific inquiry.
:'''Booth''':  Okay, that's sick.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': Somebody gnawed on this arm like some kind of man-corn?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Talking by computer web cam]''
:'''Angela''':  Hey Booth, I have kind of a thing for tattoos.  You got any?
:'''Brennan''':  Angela!
:'''Angela''':  I'm sorry, sweetie, but what's with that town?  You gettin' any from that hot overnight guy?
:'''Brennan''':  Ang, we're trying to work.
:'''Angela''':  Is that town totally wasted on you, sweetie? Because I take this as a sign from God to loosen up.  You know what they say: &quot;What happens in Aurora stays in Aurora.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Brennan and Booth in the car and Brennan is talking to Angela on the phone]''
:'''Angela''':  So did you catch the guy?
:'''Brennan''': No, Booth lost him in the woods.
:'''Booth''':  Whoa, wait a second.  I didn't lose him.
:'''Brennan''':  Well, you didn't catch him.
:'''Angela''':  So you two have the night free?
:'''Brennan''': Yes, we can't do anything until I get a determination on that meat and Booth has to wait until it's light to look for the guy he lost.
:'''Booth''':  I didn't lose him, okay?  He, uh, tell her that my flashlight died.
:'''Brennan''':  She doesn't care.
:'''Angela''':  What?
:'''Booth''':  Give me the phone.
:'''Brennan''':  ''[holds phone away]'' It's not safe to drive and talk on the cell phone.
:'''Angela''':  Are you two fighting?
:'''Booth''': Professional pride, tell her, please tell her that.
:'''Brennan''':  Booth wants you to know that he lost the guy because his flashlight died.
:'''Booth''':  And because he's an Indian and he's a park ranger and he's very very familiar with the territory.  Tell her that.
:'''Brennan''':  Did you hear that?
:'''Angela''':  Yeah, something about Indian Territory.
:'''Brennan''':  Yeah, she says she understands.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''':  Everybody is pumping me.
:'''Booth''':  I'm sorry?
:'''Brennan''': For information on the case.
:'''Booth''':  Bones, they're only pretending to be interested in the case. 
:'''Brennan''':  Why?
:'''Booth''':  They're hitting on you.
:'''Brennan''': ''[laughs]'' Are you sure?
:'''Booth''':  Yes, I'm sure. You're the hottest thing this town has seen in a long time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': You didn't come down for breakfast, Bones.
:'''Brennan''': Wasn't hungry. Sorry you had to pay for your own meal.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': ''[to Hodgins]'' Did you work all night?
:'''Hodgins''': Yes, I shaved the truffle.
:'''Angela''':  Is that anything like spanking the monkey?
:'''Hodgins''': I found boaring dust.
:'''Angela''':  Is there any other kind?
:'''Hodgins''':  Boaring dust is produced by beetles, which mean the tree the truffle grew on was infested.
:'''Zack''':  That's not going to impress Toni.
:'''Hodgins''':  That's not why I did it.  I did it to serve justice and capture a murderous cannibal.
:'''Angela''':  That'll impress the hot courier.
:'''Hodgins''':  I am back in the game.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''':  Dr. Randall, if you... can you just bite these?
:'''Denise''':  And if I were your cannibal, would I have pointed out that there were human bones in the bear after the autopsy?
:'''Brennan''': An autopsy on an animal is called a necropsy.
:'''Denise''': Yeah, there's a reason I get all the guys and you don't. ''[She bites down on the dental mold.]'' Let me tell ya, if I ate Adam there wouldn't be anything left.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''':  What if I have to shoot?  What part of his body should I hit?
:'''Booth''':  The part that isn't me. Just stay back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Rigby''':  You don't understand it's a spiritual right to share the life force…
:'''Booth''': Look, you're nuts, okay, we get it.  We don't need to hear the rambling psycho speech on why you did it.
:'''Dr. Rigby''': You're an anthropologist. ''[He steps towards Brennan and then by her to the body.]'' You know that ancient civilizations would sacrifice some in order to preserve the strength... 
:''[Brennan hits him from behind in the head with a bedpan.  He goes down on the floor.]''
:'''Booth''':  What'd you do that for?
:'''Brennan''': Nobody wants to hear that rambling psycho speech.
:'''Booth''': A bedpan? Hmm.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''':  What are you doing here?
:'''Angela''':  Are you kidding? It's like watching the clash of the horny titans.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''':  And to think I didn't want to come here with you.  I mean, this was a fascinating case. You don't often find ritual cannibalism practiced so close to home.
:'''Booth''':  Which I find a plus.
:'''Brennan''':  There are always those individuals within a species who are driven to break the most basic taboos. I mean, Rigby actually ate human flesh.
:'''Booth''':  Bones, I just got my steak and eggs.
:'''Brennan''':  Rigby has a prion disease, which means he's been a cannibal for quite some time.  Do you realize when we go to trial he could use the insanity defense?
:'''Booth''':  The guy is nuts.
:'''Brennan''': Yes, but is he nuts because he got a brain disease from eating human flesh, or was he already nuts the first time he ate flesh, or did he just lick his fingers after surgery?
:'''Booth''':  I should just become a vegetarian.
:'''Brennan''': Or, as an alternative, just don't eat people.

=== ''A Boy In a Bush'' [1.5] ===
:''[Brennan is giving a lecture and has opened up the floor for questions. Booth is in the audience and stands up.]''
:'''Booth''': I have a question regarding the FBI in your book. Who do you base brilliant and insightful Special Agent Andy Lister on?
:'''Dr. Goodman''': Oh, for God's sake.
:'''Booth''': 'Cause, you know, I'm pretty sure it was me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Booth and Brennan approach her car, a silver Mercedes convertible.]''
:'''Booth''': ''[impressed]'' You gotta be kidding me.
:'''Brennan''': What? My publishers gave it to me.
:'''Booth''': Gave it to you?
:'''Brennan''': Book sales are pretty good. It's supposed to be a nice car.
:'''Booth''': ''[still incredulous]'' Gave it to you?
:'''Brennan''': Yeah.
:'''Booth''': Well, why'd you park it crooked?
:'''Brennan''': The guy told me to always park it like that.
:'''Booth''': ''[shakes his head]'' He's wrong. Makes you look like an idiot.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cop''': ''[to Brennan]'' You mind if I make an observation?
:'''Brennan''': No, of course not.
:'''Cop''': In your book, the cops come off as very one-dimensional. Why is that?
:'''Brennan''': You mean two-dimensional.
:'''Zack:''' One-dimensionality exists only in theory as a mathematical value.
:'''Cop''': Oookay. Really looking forward to your next book.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': ''[to Zach]'' Did you bring the thermal imager?
:'''Zach''': I don't think we need it. ''[Brennan glares at him]'' It makes me look like the Great Gazoo.
:'''Brennan''': Okay, I don't know what that means, but we definitely need it, Zach.
:''[Cut to thermal image of Brennan and Booth]''
:'''Booth''': ''[to Zach, in the thermal imaging suit]'' How's it going there [[Darth Vader|Darth]]? Seen anything on Saturn? ''[to Brennan]'' Please tell me you've seen at least ''one'' [[Star Wars]] movie.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Goodman''': When I said you should think of this invitation as a summons, I understated it. It's a subpoena. A Grand Jury subpoena. Ignore it at your own peril.
:'''Brennan''': You're not going to fire us if we don't go.
:'''Dr. Goodman''': No, not fire you, but I can move your parking spots to lot M. Enjoy the shuttle ride.
:'''Zach''': The shuttle smells like feet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zach''': These are the smallest remains I've ever worked on.
:'''Brennan''': That's a valid observation, Zach, but it's not helpful to the investigation.
:'''Zach''': Sorry, Dr. Brennan.
:'''Brennan''': I was at Waco. Branch Davidian compound. I helped identify children who had been killed in the fire&amp;mdash;seventeen of them.
:'''Zach''': So you're saying I'll get used to it?
:'''Brennan''': No, I'm saying you will never get used to it. We're primates, social creatures; it's coded into our DNA to protect our young, even from each other.
:'''Zach''': So I'm always going to feel terrible?
:'''Brennan''': What helps me is to pull back emotionally. Just... put your heart in a box.
:'''Zach''': I'm not good with metaphor, Dr. Brennan.
:'''Brennan:''' Focus on the details.
:'''Zach''': Details, yeah, I can do that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Any way to enhance it?
:'''Angela:''' Well, I wouldn't bet a date with [[w:Colin Farrell|Colin Farrell]] on it.
:'''Brennan:''' I know him. He's funny.
:'''Angela''': Funny is [[Will Ferrell]], sweetie.  ''Hot'' is Colin Farrell.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': I'm afraid Angela might quit.
:'''Booth''': I'm amazed she stuck it out this long.
:'''Brennan''': Why?
:'''Booth''': Well, because she's human. I'm sorry, Bones, it's just that, you know ''[sighs]'' Angela didn't get the same training the rest of you got on planet [[w:Vulcan (Star Trek planet)|Vulcan]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Whoa. He must be one of ''those'' Hodginses.
:'''Zach''': Who are ''those'' Hodginses?
:'''Booth''': I mean the Cantilever Group Hodgins.
:'''Angela''': Oh, my God.
:'''Zach''': The same Cantilever Group that generates more GNP than Europe?
:'''Angela''': Get this. They're the single biggest donors to the Jeffersonian Institute.
:'''Booth''': Ha! That makes Hodgins your boss!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Okay, if you can't see the guy's face, maybe you can grab a reflection.
:'''Zach''': ''[impressed]'' That's a workable idea.
:'''Booth''': Well, I'd say thanks, you know, if you didn't say it like it was some kind of miracle.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': Chem Lab mass spectrometer identifies the particulates in Charlie Sanders' mouth as fluoride. ''[Brennan is staring at her computer screen]'' I know that look.
:'''Brennan''': What?
:'''Hodgins''': You're writing another book. When you write you get this stunned look on your face like you stuck a fork in a toaster.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': ''[voice breaking]'' Tell you what, if I can't respect the law, I can at least respect you.
:'''Booth''': Well&amp;mdash;yeah, that'll work, too. I mean, it kind of comes out of nowhere, but&amp;mdash;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': Zach has been informed that if he tells anyone who I am, I will kick him out on the street like a stray dog. Sadly, there is nothing I can threaten you two with.
:'''Angela''': Yeah, that's a shame. 
  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Do you remember me, Sean?
:'''Sean Cook''': You're the museum lady, the one who's so smart.
:'''Brennan''': Yeah, I'm pretty smart.
:''[outside the interrogation room]''
:'''Attorney''': ''[sarcastically]'' And modest.
:'''Booth''': Oh, believe me, she ''is'' being modest.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': By the way, there's a huge ding in my passenger side door because you told me not to park it at an angle.
:'''Booth''': ''[laughs]''
:'''Brennan''': Okay, that's just mean!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Goodman''': You are the best of us, Miss Montenegro. You discern humanity in the wreck of a ruined human body. You give victims back their faces, their identities, you remind us all of why we're here in the first place... because we treasure human life.
:''[Angela tears up and hugs Dr. Goodman, Brennan walks in]''
:'''Brennan''': What happened?
:'''Zach''': Apparently, all Angela needed was to hear her job description in a deep, African-American tone.

=== ''The Man in the Wall'' [1.6] ===

:'''Angela''': TGIF? You heard of that?
:'''Brennan''': Yeah, it's some kind of acronym, but my inbox is full.
:'''Angela''': We know that's not true.
:'''Brennan''': A student needs help identifying some remains, and there's a TV show that needs research. Not that they listen.
:'''Angela''': We're going.
:'''Brennan''': I really should catalog that skull. It's in the museums exhibit on the French Revolution.
:'''Angela''': Yeah, [[w:Pepé Le Pew|Pepé Le Pew]] is more important than booze and boys.
:'''Brennan''': I don't think that's his name.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': We are so gonna tear it up tonight!
:'''Brennan''': That's slang, right?
:'''Angela''': Right.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': ''[laughs]'' Are you two high?
:'''Angela''': Only by accident, so it doesn't count.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Bones? Bones, how does something like this happen?  ''[Booth reaches his hand towards it and Bones grabs it, twisting a little and walking him backwards.]''
:'''Brennan''': Well, the Egyptians would give the body a cedar oil enema and then rinse it with wine and cover it with salt, but I don't think that's what happened here.
:'''Booth''': Bones, you are totally wasted.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Zack, Zack! Zack. Come here, come here. Isn't this a beautiful specimen of mummification?
:'''Zack''': ''[to Booth]'' What's going on?
:'''Booth''': Let's just say your boss inhaled.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Booth walks into Bones's office while she's listening to hip-hop music]''
:'''Booth''': Never knew this side of you, Bones.
:'''Brennan''': It's DJ Mount.
:'''Booth''': You're hung over. Doesn't this make your head explode?
:'''Brennan''': I grabbed a couple hours of sleep on my couch and showered in the lab's decontamination room.
:'''Booth''': Ooh, you really know how to live.
:'''Brennan''': Angela said rap artists sometimes kill each other over the music. Jam Master Jay, Tupac, Biggie.
:'''Booth''': Do you even know who you're talking about?
:'''Brennan''': Yeah, I've done my Googling.
:'''Booth''': Yeah.
:'''Brennan''': Listen, you can hear the alpha male asserting himself.
:'''Booth''': ''[makes some rap noises]'' Yeah, fill your ass up… ''[makes more noises]'' with lead? Always a nice lyric.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Okay, how about this? DJ Mount trusted Eve because they were sleeping together. So she meets him in the wall, takes the drugs, kills him for Rulz, then takes off.
:'''Brennan''': Yeah, you should write fiction.
:'''Booth''': What? It's reasonable.
:'''Brennan''': It's not based on evidence. It's conjecture.
:'''Booth''': Look, I'm positing a scenario.  We've been through this before.
:'''Brennan''': Yeah, and it always seems to be a waste of time. Now, finding a marker on a bone...
:'''Booth''': I know, you know, I think I need a vacation.  I think you do too.
:'''Brennan''': I'm not the one who's snippy.
:'''Booth''': &quot;Snippy&quot;? ''[laughs]'' What are you, seventy?
:'''Brennan''': See what I mean? I think you should find a nice relaxing place to go on that vacation. Somewhere where you can get a massage, maybe do some yoga.
:'''Booth''': I don't do yoga, okay? Push-ups, sit-ups, pull-ups... that's what I do.
:'''Brennan''': Yeah, that's more cardiovascular.  Yoga deals more with&amp;mdash;
:'''Booth''': Why exactly are we talking about this?
:'''Brennan''': Because you're tense.
:'''Booth''': Because we're talking. ''[turns on the CD player, and DJ Rulz comes on]'' You switched my music.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Do you ever go on vacation?
:'''Zack''': I take my vacation when you take your vacation.
:'''Brennan''': What do you do?
:'''Zack''': Go back home to Michigan, see the family. I have three brothers and four sisters.
:'''Brennan''': Do you enjoy that?
:'''Zack''': God, no. I made the mistake of telling them I work with corpses and skeletons.  They think I'm a freak.
:'''Brennan''': Then why do you go?
:'''Zack''': They're my family... they love me.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hall''': I've been investigated for years.  Why do you think they never got me on anything?
:'''Booth''': Because you're so smart?
:'''Hall''': Because Terrance Baskin is my past. I'm one hundred percent clean now.  This is my life now. This and my record label, not crystal meth... not gang-banging.
:'''Brennan''': Yet much of the iconic quality of the urban music lies in the perceived or actual rivalry between the principal artists.
:'''Hall''': Where did you find her?
:'''Booth''': Museum.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Toody has traveled the world finding dead bodies.
:'''Booth''': Does Toody always drool like that?
:''[Brennan and the dog handler glare at him.]''
:'''Booth''': What? Am I going to hurt her... ''[looks under the dog]'' his feelings?
:'''Handler''': Toody is the best cadaver dog in the world, Agent Booth.
:'''Brennan''': It's true. If you were a dead body, you'd want Toody looking for you.
:'''Booth''': How can he smell anything buried under a building?
:'''Brennan''': He can. Once I saw Toody find a dead body wrapped in plastic under concrete after four years.
:'''Handler''': Toody can smell decaying blood on a tooth six feet underground. I mean, so what, he drools a little.  What's up with that? You know, your eyes are kinda close together, but I don't comment.
:'''Booth''': I apologize.
:'''Handler''':''[to Brennan]'' Is he sincere?
:'''Brennan''': Yes.
:'''Handler''': Then we accept.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Randall Hall, he's behind this.  Randall Hall, okay? He killed these two people. We know it, he did it. We just can't touch him and there's no evidence linking him to the drugs, the cash, or either body except for a couple of damn bone dimples.
:'''Brennan''': I'll keep looking at the remains, maybe find the evidence we need.
:'''Booth''': I can't let it stand.
:'''Brennan''': What?
:'''Booth''': You know what? I'm going to spread the pain. All right, that's my new motto.
:''[Booth turns and leaves. Brennan chases behind him.]''
:'''Brennan''': Wait, I can help spread pain. Wait!

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': How many times you want me to poke Zack?
:'''Brennan''': Just once, but as hard as you can.
:'''Zack''': As hard as he can? Why don't I hit him as hard as I can?
:'''Hodgins''': Because you have arms like noodles, while I'm vigorous and burly.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': I'm an anthropologist. I know the stages of everything. You made those up. 
:'''Angela''': I did not.

=== ''A Man on Death Row'' [1.7] ===
:'''Booth''': Name?
:'''Brennan''': You know my name.
:'''Booth''': Bones, you are making an official request to the FBI to be allowed to carry a concealed weapon.  I have to follow protocol.
:'''Brennan''': It's ridiculous.
:'''Booth''': Fine. ''[slides application to her]'' Then we're done here. Do you want to get some coffee?
:'''Brennan''': ''[slides it back]'' My name is Dr. Temperance Brennan.
:'''Booth''': Reason for wanting a gun?
:'''Brennan''': To shoot people.
:'''Booth''': Not a good response.
:'''Brennan''': It's the truth.
:'''Booth''': You know, I'm writing &quot;self-defense in the performance of my duties pursuing suspected felons as contracted out to the FBI.&quot;
:'''Brennan''': ...So I can shoot them.
:'''Booth''': Have you ever been charged with a felony?
:'''Brennan''': Charged or convicted?
:'''Booth''': Charged.
:'''Brennan''': You know I have.
:'''Booth''': I have to ask the questions.
:'''Brennan''': ''[rolls her eyes]'' Bureaucratic nonsense.
:'''Booth''': Nevertheless&amp;mdash;name of the arresting officer?
:'''Brennan''': You. ''[Booth gives her a look.]'' Special Agent Seeley Booth. Do you need me to spell that for you?
:'''Booth''': I can sound it out.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': You can't have a gun.
:'''Brennan''': Why not?
:'''Booth''': Because you were charged with a felony.
:'''Brennan''': Write down that you were wrong to charge me.
:'''Booth''': Oh, there's no space for that.
:'''Brennan''': Why did we go through all this if you were never going to give me a gun?
:'''Booth''': You have a constitutional right to apply for a weapon.  I would never deny your constitutional right.
:'''Brennan''': Well, uh, I need a gun.
:'''Booth''': Rules are rules.
:'''Brennan''': Tell them that I shot a murderer who was going to light me on fire.
:'''Booth''': Which is why you weren't convicted but you did shoot an unarmed man. I... I can't ignore that. I swore an oath to protect society from people who shoot people.
:'''Brennan''': It was only his leg, and he's in jail for the rest of his life.  How much is he going to use it anyway?

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': Am I interrupting?
:'''Booth''': I told them not to let you in this building.  I gave them a picture.
:'''Amy''': Which is why I wore the tiny skirt.
:'''Booth''': Very cute.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''': You work with Booth?
:'''Brennan''': Yes, I'm a forensic anthropologist.
:'''Amy''': I'm a defense lawyer.  I tend to work against Booth.
:'''Booth''':  If it's all the same, I'd prefer you two didn't bond in any way.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Hodgins and Zach are racing beetles]''
:'''Hodgins''': What if they get mixed up?
:'''Zach''': I can tell them apart. ''[points to one]'' That's Jeff and ''[points to the other]'' that's Ollie.  I win.
:'''Hodgins''': What? Wha... That one was mine!
:'''Zach''': You had Jeff. I had Ollie, Ollie won and you owe me a buck.
:'''Hodgins''': You want in on the action, Angela?
:'''Angela''': ''[sighs]'' No, thank you. I'm going to go have sex.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': You sure you don't wanna come?  Troy can call a friend.
:'''Brennan''': ''[looking at bones]'' I've been waiting months for these.  It's a partial skeleton from southern France. It's...
:'''Angela''': You know, the whole point of the week is the weekend.  This is not the cabaret, my friend. [[w:Cabaret (musical)|Life is the cabaret.]] Come to the cabaret. ''[Brennan gives her a blank stare.]'' It's like describing the moon to a mole.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': I demand another beetle, all right? Jeff's got a groin pull.
:'''Zach''': Arthropods do not possess groins. Pay up.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': ''[notices the beetles]'' Okay, our tax dollars hard at work.
:'''Hodgins''':  Yeah, what's break time at the FBI, book burning?

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Hey Bones, what are you doing this weekend?
:'''Brennan''': I have plans.
:'''Booth''': Come on, I'm serious.
:'''Brennan''': Between your girlfriend the corporate lawyer and the defense lawyer on the side, your weekend must be completely booked.  What is your thing with lawyers?
:'''Booth''': Uh, look. Seven years ago a seventeen-year-old girl, April Wright, was found beaten to death in a federal park. Okay? Amy is just trying to stop the guy who did it from being executed.
:'''Brennan''': So I guess we're not pursuing your lawyer obsession.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Let's see if these shadows are bone fragments or something else.
:'''Booth''': Like what?
:'''Brennan''': Let's pretend we're objective scientists and not indulge in conjecture. Zach, get a driver to take you over to Greenbelt Park. I want you to take pictures of the area where the body was, ground covering, paved areas.
:'''Booth''': Why does he need a driver?
:'''Zach''': ''[embarrassed]'' I can't drive.
:'''Booth''': You're a genius who can't drive?
:'''Zach''': If you know what I know about constructural design, you wouldn't drive either.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': ''[to Brennan]'' Why did you call me in? Look at this guy. He's cuter than a monkey with a puppy. 

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The phone starts ringing in the lab and Hodgins picks it up.]''
:'''Hodgins''': Hodgins.
:'''Zach''': ''[on other end of phone]'' Most trecondi codes have a complex numerical cypher.
:'''Hodgins''': That's a fun factoid, Zach, thank you.
:'''Zach''': 12402510221. That's the number they found on the victim.
:'''Hodgins''': Well, you're the one with the photographic memory. I'm the one that's good with the ladies.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Troy''': ''[to Hodgins]'' Hey? So, uh, what exactly do they do here?  Ah, I thought Angela was an artist.
:'''Hodgins''': She is. We do mostly forensic identification and reconstruction of discorporated remains.  My specialty is entomology and particulates. Have you ever seen maggots? ''[holds up a jar of them]'' I just got these in.
:'''Angela''': ''[walks behind Hodgins]'' Do not talk to him. ''[sighs]'' Wait in the lounge, baby.  It's up those stairs right over there.  Don't talk to anybody.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy''':  So, you seeing each other?
:'''Brennan''': Who?
:'''Amy''': You and Booth.
:'''Brennan''': No. ''[laughs a little]'' No, we're... we're working together.
:'''Amy''': 'Cause I'm picking up a bit of a sex vibe.
:'''Brennan''': No, that's tension.  He has a girlfriend.
:'''Amy''': Tall, blonde, beautiful?
:'''Brennan''': Lawyer.
:'''Amy''': Figures... should've jumped him when I had the chance.
:'''Brennan''': You're really interested in Booth?
:'''Amy''': You aren't?
:'''Brennan''': No.
:'''Amy''': Well, then why are you helping him?
:'''Brennan''': Because he asked me. He said 'please'.
:'''Amy''': ''[laughs]'' Come on, you think he's hot?
:'''Brennan''': No, not at all.  This is a very interesting case.
:'''Amy''': Booth did say you had some kind of mania for the truth.
:'''Brennan''': Mania as in 'maniac'?
:'''Amy''': I'm not sure he meant it as a bad thing. ''[Brennan stares at her.]'' Which obviously is how you're taking it.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': There was doubt. We had an obligation to respect that doubt. We all share in the death of every human being.
:'''Booth''': Very poetic.
:'''Brennan''': No, very literal. We all share DNA. When I look at a bone, it's not some artifact that I can separate from myself.  It's a part of a person who got here the same way I did. It should never be easy to take someone's life. I don't care who it is.

=== ''The Girl in the Fridge'' [1.8] ===

:'''Brennan''': Angela, is this conversation really appropriate here?
:'''Angela''': Sorry, but I'm into ''alive'' people.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zack''': ''[excitedly]'' The Anthropology Journal is publishing our piece on the Coronals suture.
:'''Brennan''': Worthy interruption.
:''[Zach offers his fist to her. She looks confused.]''
:'''Zack''': You're supposed to bump my fist with yours.
:'''Brennan''': Why?
:'''Zack''': I'm told it's a widely acknowledged gesture of mutual success. ''[Puts his fist down.]''
:'''Angela''': I love it when you two impersonate Earthlings.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Hodgins enters the room, carrying a red box]''
:'''Hodgins''': Okay, now, this is weird. There's some guy in the lounge who asked me to give you this. ''[Hands the box to Brennan.]''
:'''Angela''': Is he alive? Because this is an excellent start to a relationship.
:'''Hodgins''': I didn't put a mirror under his nose or anything. ''[to Brennan]'' He said that you'd know who he was when you opened it. 
:''[Brennan opens the package, inspects the contents, then hurries out of the room.]''
:'''Angela''': Okay, a guy that gets her to stop working? This I have to see. ''[Angela leaves the room, quickly followed by Hodgins and Zack.]''

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': So why are you here?
:'''Michael''': George Washington University wants to talk to me about heading their Anthropology department.
:'''Brennan''': They'd be lucky to get you.
:'''Michael''': I assume they tried you first.
:'''Brennan''': I already had a job.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': ''[referring to Brennan and her gentleman caller]'' It's like watching cars mate.
:'''Angela''': It's got to be Michael. Stires. Her Forensic Anthropology professor from Northwestern. They were...
:'''Hodgins''': Very, very close?
:''[Angela nods]''
:'''Zack''': Dr. Brennan is my Forensic Anthropology professor. Does that mean&amp;mdash; 
:'''Angela and Hodgins''': ''[firmly, shaking their heads]'' No.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zack''': ''[to himself, trying to draw a logical conclusion]'' If she was his student, and I'm her student, then it follows...
:'''Hodgins''': Ain't gonna happen, Zack-O, not in this universe.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': ''[smiling]'' Not tonight. I have a dinner.
:'''Booth:''': ''[surprised]'' What? Wow. I just assumed that the two of you would be eating off an autopsy table.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': Using a refrigerator to hide a body... kinda perfect, isn't it?
:'''Zack''': A good way to remove the victim without being detected. The rubber gaskets seal in the odor.
:'''Angela''': Maybe the company should use that in their ads.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Zack and Hodgins approach Michael like protective older brothers]''
:'''Hodgins''': ''[arms crossed]'' You were Brennan's professor?
:'''Michael''': She was twenty-three, an adult.
:'''Hodgins''': That's what Clinton said.
:'''Zack''': You run through a lot of students?
:'''Michael''': That was a long time ago, and Tempe was very advanced, more a colleague than a student.
:'''Zack''': ''[looking back at Dr. Brennan]'' I'm a pretty advanced student.
:'''Michael''': No offense, but I'm not interested.
:'''Zack''': No, uh, I meant me and her...
:'''Hodgins''': ''[laughs and bumps Zack's shoulder]'' Burn!

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': Where did you go to dinner last night?
:'''Brennan''': We wound up staying in. We need to know if that amount was accrued over time or was delivered in one large dose.
:'''Angela''': ''[delighted]'' You didn't come back to the lab, did you?
:'''Michael''': I made frittata.
:'''Angela''': ''[impressed]'' Oh, wow, he cooks too. Can we share him?

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': You know, when the regular stuff, when it gets old, you need to spice it up or it's over. The sex is good, you don't need any help.
:'''Brennan''': ''[smirking to herself]'' Yeah, that's for sure.
:'''Booth''': Sorry?
:'''Brennan''': I was agreeing.
:'''Booth''': Yeah, well, don't. It kinda freaks me out.
:'''Brennan''': I was just saying that I myself feel no inclination towards pain or dominance when it comes to sex.
:'''Booth''': Are you sure?
:'''Brennan''': Yeah, I'm sure.
:'''Booth''': 'Cause you can be very bossy.
:''[She swats him with a crop from the evidence box.]''

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': ''[triumphantly]'' Her legs were bound.
:'''Zack''': There are erosion patterns from the bones rubbing together over time.
:'''Booth''': If this were the result of sex games, then the legs, they wouldn't be bound together. ''[Michael looks back at him skeptically.]'' Oh, come on, you know? Lookin' for a little nooky, the last thing you tie together are the legs.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Bones. The judge is holding them without bail. The US attorney is thinking about sending you flowers.
:'''Brennan''': Facts are facts.
:'''Booth''': Uh, Bones, I have to ask&amp;mdash;how much have you been sharing with, uh, the professor?
:'''Brennan''': ''[indignant]'' None of your business.
:'''Booth''': I mean on the case.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Bones, you okay?
:'''Brennan''': Why wouldn't I be?
:'''Booth''': Oh, 'cause the nutty professor's graded your paper. What'd give you, anyway? I was always happy with a B.
:'''Brennan''': I never got a B, and I never will. ''[walks off]''
:'''Booth''': ''[to himself]'' That's my girl.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jury Consultant''': Juries don't like you.
:'''Brennan''': Excuse me?
:'''Jury Consultant''': I've seen you testify before, Dr. Brennan. You come off as cold and aloof. I want to make sure&amp;mdash;
:'''Brennan''': Cold and aloof?
:'''Jury Consultant''': Try not interrupting, it makes you sound arrogant. Also, don't frontload your testimony with technical crap.
:'''Booth''': ''[shaking his head warningly at the Jury Consultant]'' Look, this really is not the best approach.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': You said, &quot;We tell the truth. We do not flinch.&quot; You flinched, Michael.
 
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': How I feel doesn't matter. My job doesn't depend on it.
:'''Levitt''': But it's informed by it. Are you as cold and unfeeling as you seem?
:'''Brennan''': I see a face on every skull.  I can look at their bones and tell you how they walked, where they hurt. Maggie Schilling is real to me. The pain she suffered was real. Her hip was being eaten away by infection from lying on her side.  Sure, like Dr. Stires said, the disease could contribute to that if you take it out of context, but you can't break Maggie Schilling down into little pieces. She was a whole person who fought to free herself.  Her wrists were broken from struggling against the handcuffs.  The bones in her ankles were ground together because her feet were tied, and her side, her hip, and her shoulder were being eaten away by infection, and the more she struggled, the more pain she was in, so they gave her those drugs to keep her quiet.  They gave her so much it killed her. These facts can't be ignored or dismissed because you think I'm boring or obnoxious, because I don't matter.  What I feel doesn't matter. Only she matters, only Maggie.

=== ''The Man in the Fallout Shelter'' [1.9] ===
:'''Brennan''': Better able to withstand peer pressure when you can't catch me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': I don't like secret Santa.  The idea that we are forced by convention to exchange meaningless gifts is…
:'''Angela''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. If you rearrange &quot;secret Santa&quot;, though, you get &quot;secret Satan&quot;.
:'''Brennan''': What possible meaning could that have?
:'''Angela''': I've already had an eggnog, if you can't tell.  Now, how am I going to enjoy this party knowing that my best friend in the whole world is in the lab, eyeball to eyeball with Skeletor?
:'''Brennan''': Who?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Booth, will you escort Angela to the Christmas party and make sure she doesn't photocopy her butt?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': I thought that you were at the party.
:'''Booth''': Oh, that wasn't a party, that was a Star Wars convention.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Is that pure alcohol?
:'''Zach''': ''[flustered]'' Yes, Dr. Brennan.
:'''Brennan''': You really think Goodman's going to let you spike the eggnog after the Fourth of July fiasco?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': Okay, you people listen to me. There is a party going on upstairs, okay? A Christmas party. We're gonna talk to some people, we're going to sing some carols, were gonna drink some eggnog. ''[She points at Booth.]'' You are going to kiss me under the mistletoe. On the lips. ''[She turns to Zach and Hodgins.]'' I might kiss you guys under the mistletoe too. ''[She turns to Brennan.]'' Maybe even you. In a festive, non-lesbian manner. But we are going to that party. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': Hey, whose fault is this?
:'''Hodgins''': Who forced me to go to the party where I drank too much and had to hide from Crystal?
:'''Angela''': Who never should have cut into a bone with a drunken fool in the room?
:'''Zack''': Who brought us human remains just to ditch a little paperwork?
:'''Booth''': Oh, wait, you're saying this is my fault.
:'''Dr. Goodman''': You knew Dr. Brennan could not resist.
:'''Brennan''': Well, I would have been able to resist if I was in Niger, where I wanted to be.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': What are those little tiny lights dancing on the ceiling?
:'''Dr. Goodman''': For the third time, those are minute firings of neurons on your optic nerve due to your reaction to the anti-fungal cocktail.
:'''Booth''': Wow, whoa. They're beautiful.
:'''Dr. Goodman''': ''[laughs]'' You are stoned, Agent Booth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': It's all so tragic.  A cheap wedding ring sewn into his suit, two tickets to Paris. It makes you wonder&amp;mdash;who was the girl? Can you imagine what it was like for her, waiting and wondering, never knowing what happened?
:'''Brennan''': I don't have to imagine.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Bones, it's after midnight. Hm? Christmas Eve Day.  Both an eve and a day. It's a Christmas miracle.
:'''Brennan''': Still enjoying your medication, I see.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': You don't seem too upset about missing Christmas.
:'''Brennan''': Indications are that Christ, if he existed, was born in late spring and the celebration of his birth was shifted to coincide with the pagan rite of the winter solstice so that early Christians weren't persecuted.
:'''Booth''': What are you, like, the Christmas killer?
:'''Brennan''': It's the truth.
:'''Booth''': No, it sounds like the truth because it's so rational, right? But the... you know, the true truth is you hate Christmas so you just spout out all these facts and you ruin it for everyone else.
:'''Brennan''': I ruin the true truth with facts?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': You know, you don't know if you are sick, but you're more than willing to take drugs just in case. It seems to me you could give the man upstairs the same benefit of the doubt you do an invisible fungus. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': All right, we need a way to choose our secret Santas.
:'''Zack''': I could build a random generator.
:'''Dr. Goodman''': Wouldn't it be better to match complimentary people in a premeditated manner?
:'''Hodgins''': I've got five numbers in my head and five letters. You tell me the number and I'll tell you the matching letter.
:'''Dr. Goodman''': Are the letter sequential or are the numbers sequential?
:'''Hodgins''': Sequential. We'll go in order oldest to youngest.
:'''Zack''': Six.
:'''Hodgins''': There's no six.
:'''Dr. Goodman''': A through E and 1 through 5?
:'''Booth''': ''[holds out a canister with their names written out on slips on paper in front of them]'' Just pick a name, and if you get your own put it back in.
:'''Dr. Goodman''': Oh. That could work.
:'''Hodgins''': Yeah, that's good.
:'''Angela''': Good idea.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Anthropologically speaking, gifts are a way of asserting dominance in a group. Now imagine an entire holiday devoted to self-promotion, especially in this materialistic culture.  How can you expect me to get behind that? How can you get behind that?
:'''Booth''': Wow, that's... that's deep.  It's a very deep pile of crap. 
:'''Brennan''': You came to me with information this morning, a peace offering. But it was to make you feel better, not me. Proves my point. ''[points to picture]'' Any idea what this is?
:'''Booth''': No. ''[hands picture back to her]''
:'''Brennan''': Me neither. Try Dr. Goodman.
:'''Booth''': You know, Bones, you make it very very hard for me to be nice to you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zach''': Be kind, rewind.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': Puperia showed Lionel had valley fever.
:'''Brennan''': We sorta knew that.
:'''Hodgins''': Wow, was that a shot?  Because I apologized.  I mean, Goodman doesn't get to see his family. Zack doesn't get to see his kids. Booth doesn't get to see his son. At least I'm an accidental [[w:How the Grinch Stole Christmas!|Grinch]]; with all due respect, you're the Grinch on purpose.
:'''Brennan''': I have no idea what you are saying to me.
:'''Hodgins''': The Grinch is a relatively well-known creation of a children's author named [[Dr. Seuss]].  Listen, I got Angela for my secret Santa thing and what I want to do is blow up a microscopic imagery of a toxic mold, ''[[w:Stachybotrys chartarum|Stachybotrys chartarum]]'', because I know she's interested in digital [[w:fractal|fractology]].  I though that might appeal to her aesthetically, do you agree?
:'''Brennan''': I'm not really who you want to talk to about... Booth has a kid?
:'''Hodgins''': You didn't know?
:'''Brennan''': No.
:'''Hodgins''': I wasn't the one who told you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Goodman''': The girlfriend was in trouble.
:'''Angela''': Pregnant in trouble?
:'''Hodgins''': Ooh, apparently Careful Lionel wasn't so careful.
:'''Booth''':  Marry a pregnant girl in Oklahoma in the late fifties.
:'''Dr. Goodman''': Do you suppose Lionel came up here to procure an abortion?
:'''Angela''': You know what?  This isn't a very Christmas Eve-type story.
:'''Brennan''': Of course it is. The whole Christ myth has been built upon the travails of an unwed mother.
:'''Booth''': Okay, could we just stop bringing up the whole Christ myth thing? Some people believe it is more then just a myth.
:'''Brennan''': Well, who besides you?
:'''Dr. Goodman''': That would be me, Dr. Brennan.  I'm a deacon at my church.
:'''Angela''': I do. Christmas and Easter, anyway.
:'''Hodgins''': Although I believe organized religion is just another political movement designed to control the masses, it doesn't mean God doesn't love me.
:'''Zack''': Hey, I'm a rationalist empiricist all the way.  Unless you talk to my mother. Then I'm Lutheran.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': I know your parents disappeared just before Christmas.
:'''Brennan''': My brother Russ was nineteen and we were still in the house.
:'''Angela''': That must've been strange.
:'''Brennan''': Russ found our presents in my parents' room and Christmas Eve, when I was asleep, he snuck down and made Christmas, trying to do the right things for me.
:'''Angela''': Christmas for his little sister.
:'''Brennan''': But when I came down and saw the lights and the presents...
:'''Angela''': You thought your parents were back.
:'''Brennan''': I just expected to see them, sitting there, drinking their coffee, watching Russ and me open our presents.
:'''Angela''': Oh my God.
:'''Brennan''': I kind of lost it. I refused to open the presents until they came back... It was like I told Russ that he wasn't enough family for me. Before New Year's, he went out west to work and I was in the foster system.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': You have to find the girl and tell her what you know.  Don't you see? You can give her the answer that you never got.
:'''Brennan''': Wha... Angela.
:'''Angela''': I'm sorry, sweetie, but it's true. You have a chance here.
:'''Brennan''': To say what? &quot;Merry Christmas, Ivy Gillespie.  Your fiancé was murdered and your life was ruined, but hey, at least you get to know what happened to him.&quot;
:'''Angela''': Don't you wish somebody had said that to you?
:'''Brennan''': Yes. ''[She gets up and leaves.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': You just gave somebody the best Christmas gift they could ever get.  Who's the secret Santa now?
:'''Brennan''': Stop. ''[Her voice activates the robot laying on the counter next to Booth.  It starts doing push-ups. Booth looks at it.]''
:'''Booth''': Ooh. ''[laughs]'' That weirdo assistant of yours just made me the coolest dad in the world.

=== ''The Woman at the Airport'' [1.10] ===

:'''Brennan''': ''[to Zack]'' X-rays, pictures, we're going to do this without touching the actual skeleton as much as possible.
:'''Zack''': Kid gloves?
:'''Brennan''': Latex should be all right. ''[pauses]'' Zack, were you being metaphoric?
:'''Zack''': ''[nods]'' I decided to give it a shot. Which is also metaphoric.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Brennan walks into her office and sees Booth sitting at her desk.]''
:'''Brennan''': ''[sighs]'' I need a receptionist.  I can't just have anybody waltzing in here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': I can't go to Los Angeles.  I have an Iron Age warrior to authenticate.
:'''Booth''':  Iron Age warrior, when was the Iron Age?
:'''Brennan''': Fifteen hundred years ago.
:'''Booth''': Fresh body bits, just a little more urgent.
:'''Brennan''': You do realize there are a lot more fresh bodies then there are perfect specimens from the Iron Age?
:'''Booth''': You know when you say things like that, it's just to bug me, right?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Rodeo Drive, Beverly Hills, CA.  Booth is driving a blue Mustang convertible.]''
:'''Brennan''': This car doesn't feel very FBI-y.
:'''Booth''': Bones, this is a nineteen sixty-six Mustang.  It's a classic, and what goes better then that with the FBI?
:'''Brennan''': How come, on the rental agreement under &quot;model&quot;, you made the guy write &quot;sedan&quot;?
:'''Booth''': C'mon. We're in California. ''[puts his arm behind her shoulders]''  Look, palm trees.
:'''Brennan''': You know, I like to drive sometimes.
:'''Booth''': Look, our contact out here is Special Agent Trisha Finn.
:'''Brennan''': I'm an excellent driver.
:'''Booth''': Okay [[w:Rain Man|Rain Man]].
:'''Brennan''': I don't know what that means.
:'''Booth''': I'm always gonna drive. You know that, right?  Me behind the wheel and you over there on the grandma side.
:'''Brennan''': I'm not above telling Deputy Director Cullen what kind of car you rented.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': Look, there's no bugs on him, haven't been for over a thousand years.
:'''Dr. Goodman''': There may be spores and pollens, correct?
:'''Hodgins''': Probably not.
:'''Dr. Goodman''': Dozen of species of pollens have been discovered from the Cretaceous era.  How long ago was that?
:'''Zack''': ''[raises hand]'' Sixty-five million years. ''[Hodgins glares at him.]'' That was a pretty good comeback.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': We all know that you're going to say I'm unable to authenticate with confidence.
:'''Zack''': Why would he do that?
:'''Hodgins''': When you declare something authentic, you run the risk of being proven wrong.  That doesn't happen if you equivocate. As head of the Jeffersonian, Dr. Goodman will place the reputation of the institution over everything else.
:'''Dr. Goodman''': I'm an archaeologist.  My findings will be congruent with the facts.
:'''Hodgins''': With all due respect, you used to be an archaeologist.
:''[Hodgins and Dr. Goodman glare at each other.]''
:'''Zack''': I have no idea what's going on between you two right now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Goodman''': His bones bear the marks of battle.  His weapons are of good quality, well used. He's old for a warrior, yet... How did he die, Mr. Addy?
:'''Zack''': Looks like tuberculosis.
:'''Dr. Goodman''': A proud man.  Not the ending he would have wanted, yet he was surrounded by family and friends. A good death.
:''[Hodgins looks up at the ceiling and rolls his eyes, annoyed.]''
:'''Hodgins''': Oh, please. Now you're describing a scene from ''[[Lord of the Rings]]''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': My hotel doesn't even have a pool. 
:'''Brennan''': Well, you're welcome to use mine.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Okay, guys, let's turn our attention back to the murder victim.  I'd like to go pay a visit to Dr. Boobs.
:'''Finn''': Why? If implants were stolen from him, he won't know anything.
:'''Booth''': Because it's the only lead that we've got, Finn, and leads are great for screenplays, or even&amp;mdash;say&amp;mdash;if you're actually working a real case.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zack''': I have something for you.
:'''Angela''': ''[sighs]'' Is it chocolate?
:'''Zack''': No.
:'''Angela''': Then I find my interest has flagged.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zack''': What's with Goodman and Hodgins?
:'''Angela''': Oh, they're guys.  They should just lay them out on the table and measure.
:'''Zack''': Lay what out on the table and measure?
:'''Angela''': Okay, awkward moment. Let's just say they have different approaches and they're guys, okay?
:'''Zack''': I'm a guy.
:'''Angela''': You're more highly evolved. ''[puts a few markers on the skull]'' This girl didn't just change her face, she changed her skull.  This is going to make Brennan nuts.
:'''Zack''': You know one thing.
:'''Angela''': What's that?
:'''Zack''': She's going to be beautiful.  Why would anyone go through all this pain and not end up beautiful?
:'''Angela''': Do the names Michael Jackson or Joan Rivers mean anything to you?
:'''Zack''': One of them.  The other I'll look up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kostov''': You have the most beautiful bone structure.
:'''Brennan''': I can't take credit. It's genetic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': You touch her, she'll break your arm. ''[Kostov recoils his hand.]'' She thinks what you do is...
:'''Brennan''': Barbaric. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': What this young woman did to herself, it's as if she completely removed her own identity. Who hates herself so much that she not only changes her looks but her core architecture? If we don't know who she is, then how will we be able to catch the person who murdered her?
:'''Angela''': Is that your way of apologizing?
:'''Brennan''': Yes, Angela.
:'''Angela''': I accept. I love your guts, sweetie. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': I was wondering if you could have one of your ladies visit me today?
:'''Brennan''': ''[to Booth]'' You're ordering a prostitute from my cell phone?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zack''': This is the type of situation where someone says, &quot;Oh my god.&quot;
:'''Hodgins''': Pretend you're a person and say it.
:'''Zack''': Oh my god.

=== ''The Woman in the Car'' [1.11] ===
:'''Stacy''': I'm Stacy Goodyear and joining me on ''Wakeup DC'' is Dr. Temperance Brennan.  She's the author of the bestselling mystery novel ''Bred in the Bone'', and she's also... now, tell me if I get this wrong... an anthropologist who works with the FBI to solve crimes?
:'''Brennan''': Yes, that's correct.  I use the bones of people who have been murdered or burned or blown up or eaten by animals or insects or just decomposed.
:'''Stacy''': Well, that's exciting. Um, Dr. Brennan, your book has sold over three hundred thousand copies.  How do you juggle twin careers as a bestselling author and crime-fighting scientist?
:'''Brennan''': Well, I do one, then the other.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Reporter''': Do you have any advise for budding authors out there?
:'''Brennan''': Well, the first thing you should have is an idea and then... well, first you need something to write with. They... they know that. Well, obviously you need a writing instrument, and you need an idea. I'm just not sure which should come first. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pickering''': Didn't I see you on television this morning, Dr. Brennan?
:'''Brennan''': How could I possibly know what you watched on television? ''[She sees Booth and starts to walk over to him.]''  Booth, I have to talk to you.
:'''Pickering''': Yeah, it was definitely her.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': ''[to Brennan]'' You know, if this works, I'm gonna buy you a puppy.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Talking about Brennan's TV interview]''
:'''Brennan''': Okay, what did I do wrong?
:'''Booth''': Maybe next time tell a funny story. Oh, never say you don't like children.
:'''Brennan''': I didn't say I don't like children. I just said I don't want any.
:'''Booth''': On TV that's the same thing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': You arrest someone really small lately? ''[Booth looks at her.]'' Car seat in the back.
:'''Booth''': Oh, I had Parker for the weekend.
:'''Brennan''': I don't know how you do that.
:'''Booth''': Install a car seat in an FBI vehicle?
:'''Brennan''': Bring a kid into this world knowing what you know.  I'll bet Parker was an accident, right? Because his mother wouldn't marry you? ''[Booth laughs and shakes his head.]'' What?
:'''Booth''': It never occurred to you that that might be a sensitive topic.
:'''Brennan''': Well, you could have gone with the &quot;very small felon&quot; story.
:'''Booth''': I'm better for Parker being in the world. Someday you will see that.
:'''Brennan''': No I won't.
:'''Booth''': You'll change your mind.
:'''Brennan''': Ah, I don't do that.
:'''Booth''': You will.
:'''Brennan''': Yeah, maybe after I see how Carl Decker reacts when you tell him his wife is dead and his child has been kidnapped.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Forensic anthropologist! That's why no gun!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cullen''': ''[To Brennan and Booth]'' Well, at least nobody got shot. Probably 'cause she didn't have a gun.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pickering''': When was the last time you saw your husband?
:'''Angela''': My husband?
:'''Pickering''': Yes.
:'''Angela''': ''[surprised]'' Oh. ''[laughs]'' Oh. ''[chuckles]'' Wow, you mean that actually took? Really, it didn't seem legal.  We were in Fiji. You know, there was a fire dance. You know how those things can be, right?
:'''Pickering''': I really don't, Miss Montenegro.
:'''Angela''': Right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zach''': If I demand a lawyer will it get me out of it too?
:'''Brennan''': We all demand a lawyer.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Now, the ear you found&amp;mdash;there's no way it's her own ear, right?
:'''Brennan''': How could it be her own ear?
:'''Booth''': That's what I'm saying.
:'''Brennan''': What?
:'''Booth''': It's definitely not her ear.
:'''Brennan''': How could she bite off her own ear?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': Okay, okay, so you're telling me that my toe-chewing moron cousin was appointed to a secret post in a secret part of the government you can't tell me about, so you compiled a secret dossier on me, but I'm the one who's paranoid.
:'''Pickering''': We don't use the word &quot;dossier&quot;.
:'''Hodgins''': What was the finding? I... I still work here, so...
:'''Pickering''': Harmless.
:'''Hodgins''': Harmless? I'm harmless?
:'''Pickering''': Yes, you do not pose a viable threat.
:'''Hodgins''': Well, that's just insulting.
:'''Pickering''': If you want me to interview you, I will, but I will only discover what we already know. You are benign.
:'''Hodgins''': I am not benign, lady. I'm not harmless. I'm malignant! I'm a loaded cannon…
:'''Pickering''': Thank you, Dr. Hodgins. ''[She walks away.]''
:'''Hodgins''': I know things that would curdle your blood, including a formula that literally curdles blood!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lab area with all the boxes in the wall.  Zack is looking at readouts and x-rays on the lighted table. Pickering is standing by the table talking to him.]''
:'''Pickering''': Could we start, please?
:'''Zack''': Anytime. I can do two things at once.
:'''Pickering''': ''[upset]'' Mr. Addy, I require your full attention.
:'''Zack''': No, you don't, but I'll give it to you.
:'''Pickering''': What I need to do here is to establish that you are not a threat to the security of this country.
:'''Zack''': I'm getting a degree in Forensic Anthropology. I'm halfway through another in Engineering.  What are you afraid I will do? Build a race of criminal robots that will destroy the earth?
:'''Pickering''': Do you have that kind of fantasy often?
:'''Zack''': Very often.
:'''Pickering''': Does it concern you that such adolescent thoughts are a sign of emotional retardation?
:'''Zack''': I've been told. I'm working on it.
:'''Pickering''': Can you understand why that concerns us?
:'''Zack''': Not really.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pickering''': Hypothetically, you have a piece of information…
:'''Zack''': Secret and meaningful information?
:'''Pickering''': Yes, and the security of the country's at stake. Can I bribe you to give it to me?
:'''Zack''': No.
:'''Pickering''': Threaten you?
:'''Zack''': No.
:'''Pickering''': What if I made a reasonable rational argument, very persuasive?
:'''Zack''': Merely persuasive?
:'''Pickering''': Irrefutable. I make an irrefutable argument as to why you should give me this piece of information.  Would you do so?
:'''Zack''': Not without checking with Dr. Brennan or Angela first, see what they said, maybe Agent Booth if he would talk to me.  He probably wouldn't.  I'd check with Dr. Hodgins but he'd say it was all part of some conspiracy... so I must only take his advice on women.  Four hundred and eighty volts, three hundred and fifty amps.
:'''Pickering''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Zack''': It's sorta secret information. I probably shouldn't tell you. Any other questions? ''[Pickering shakes her head.]'' Good. ''[Zack runs off.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': The material witness for a specially convened grand jury and you lost him?
:'''Weeks''': The guy's pretty smart, genius level. Do you have any idea what it is like to interact with those types of people?
:'''Booth''': Yeah, a little.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': You just told me not to jump to a conclusion.
:'''Booth''': No offense intended.
:'''Brennan''': No, you were right! It's just I usually get to tell you.
:'''Booth''': Well, our relationship has taken a whole new turn.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': All right, Zack! Zack! ''[Zack turns around]'' This guy Decker, he's like you. He's in the whole stratosphere IQ-wise.
:'''Zack''': What's his IQ?
:'''Booth''': It's 163.
:'''Brennan''': Oh, he's not where Zack is.
:'''Zack''': If he's in the stratosphere, I'm in the ionosphere.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Usually, I enjoy your company, Bones. It's times like these that you give me a little something else to worry about. 
:'''Brennan''': You enjoy my company?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Decker''': Look, analytically I understand that many lives outweigh the one, but I cannot trade my son's life.
:'''Weeks''': Have you considered that by not testifying your wife will have died in vain?
:'''Cullen''': Shut it, Weeks. If you people had protected Mr. Decker and his family properly, we wouldn't even be here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': You know, you guys are geniuses. 
:'''Zack''': How do we find that?
:'''Booth''': I work for the F.B.I., you idiot.
:'''Hodgins''': Way to go, Zack. We went from genius to idiot in 3 seconds. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pickering''': Can you tell me what you were doing in Cuba?
:'''Brennan''': Only if you tell me first.
:'''Pickering''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Brennan''': I don't know your security clearance.
:'''Pickering''': Well, what is your security clearance?
:'''Brennan''': You should check with the state department.
:'''Pickering''': I'm from the state department.
:'''Brennan''': Then that should make it easy for you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Why don't we ever take my car?
:'''Booth''': Do you have bulletproof vests in the trunk?
:'''Brennan''': No.
:'''Booth''': That's why.

=== ''The Superhero in the Alley'' [1.12] ===
:'''Booth''': No, you don't have to solve the whole case. Just tell me if I'm looking at a murder. Maybe, you know, pull a quick I.D.? ''[He smiles.]''
:'''Brennan''': Don't use your charm smile on me. 
:'''Booth''': What? It's a mark of respect. That's all.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Booth and Brennan are looking through the room of a teenage murder victim]''
:'''Booth''': Unbelievable. ''[sighs and goes over to pick up some comic books]'' This is quite the collection of comic books.
:'''Brennan''': Hodgins said that the cellulose mass was a graphic novel. He sent it to Angela for analysis and recovery.
:'''Booth''': Sweet.
:'''Brennan''': Sweet?
:'''Booth''': Ah, he has Batman number 127 featuring The Hammer of the Thor.  This is worth about three hundred bucks.
:'''Brennan''': Booth, are you a nerd?
:'''Booth''': First of all, you mean &quot;geek&quot;&amp;mdash;and no, I'm not, okay? It's quite normal for an American male to read comic books.
:'''Brennan''': I find it hard to believe you have anything in common with Warren Granger.
:'''Booth''': Oh, you mean isolated with an inner secret life? No, okay. I'd say you were more like Warren.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Goodman''': All writers reveal more of themselves then they intend on their page.
:'''Booth''': You know, I've gotta tell you I never bought all that English 101 stuff.  Sometimes a river is just a river.
:'''Brennan''': ''[to Goodman]'' With all due respect, my writing for example is pure fiction.
:'''Goodman''': Dr. Brennan, I fear you reveal much more of your world view in your writing then you realize.
:'''Brennan''': Such as?
:'''Goodman''': Such as, archaeologists make good administrators because they enjoy tedium.
:'''Angela''': Such as, artists are doomed to a life of loneliness because they are unable to think beyond instant gratification.
:'''Booth''': Such as, you know, FBI guys are hot and Angela here wants to have sex with me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Oh, you know, I figure we ask a few questions about Warren Granger, maybe bowl a few frames... You know, nothing like a little sport to, uh, take the edge off. 
:'''Brennan''': This is not a sport.
:'''Booth''': How do you figure?
:'''Brennan''': There's not physical benefit. So it's really like golf. It's not a sport, it's an activity. 
:'''Booth''': You know, could you please, Bones, maybe just for once try not to piss everyone off around you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': You said before that Warren reminded you of me. You think I'm just like him, that he hid from life by immersing himself in a fantasy world where he fought crime. And I do the same thing, only I don't have superpowers. I... I have science.
:'''Booth''': No, Bones. You do fight crime. It's not a fantasy. As far as any normal person is concerned, you do have superpowers. 
:'''Brennan''': You're just saying that to me. 
:'''Booth''': No, I don't do that. 
:'''Brennan''': Yes, you do. You lied to Warren Granger's mother to make her feel better. That seems to be your superpower.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Okay. Well, in your book, your partner's a former Olympic boxer who graduated from Harvard and spoke six different languages. In real life, you got me. 
:'''Brennan''': So what you're saying is that reality falls far, far short of the fictional. 
:'''Booth''': Yeah. Thanks a lot, Bones.

=== ''The Woman in the Garden'' [1.13] ===
:'''Brennan''': I read a book about improving work relationships. It's not fair to expect you to tell me everything.
:'''Booth''': I appreciate the effort, Bones.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Great, now he's ignoring us in two languages.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': Typically, grave diggers are necrophiliacs looking for a little action.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': My problem is that someone shot at me... shot at me and my partner. Plus, a bad guy got away. So I'm a little cranky about the whole thing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': Field work. Cool! Do I get a gun?
:'''Brennan''': You can't arm Hodgins and not me.
:'''Booth''': What is it with you people and guns?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Let's pretend that I'm the cop for a second.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': I'm trained in kinesiology, the study of human movement.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': ''[getting into his face]'' You put a hit out on my partner?
:'''Ortez''': She's not FBI.
:'''Booth''': ''[punches him in the face and grabs him by the throat as he points his gun right at his throat]'' I never said anything about the FBI. She's my partner, see. And if anything happens to her, I will find you and I will kill you. I won't think twice. Come here look in my eyes. ''[pushes barrel of his gun into his mouth, and cocks it]'' Look at my face. If anything happens to her, I will kill you. This is between you and me, and nobody sees, nobody knows.

=== ''The Man in the Fairway'' [1.14] ===

:'''Brennan''': Plane crashes don't belong to the FBI.
:'''Zack''': Why not? FAA stands for Federal Aviation Administration.  The NTSB stands for National Transportation Safety Board.  That sounds Federal to me, and FBI stands for Federal Bureau…
:'''Brennan''': Zack.
:'''Zack''': This is the third time in a row we've investigated without Booth.  I don't like it.
:'''Brennan''': Why? He mostly ignores you.
:'''Zack''': Ignoring me is Booth's way of acknowledging my presence. It's a guy thing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Zack''': I apologize if I've offended you.  Usually we have an FBI agent that mediates our interpersonal encounters.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Brennan''': What are the odds?
:'''Zack''': A crashing plane falling directly on a human being?  One in... ten million.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Dr. Goodman's office.  Brennan, Angela, Hodgins, and Zack are present.]''
:'''Dr. Goodman''': The information that I'm about to tell you must not leave this room.
:'''Hodgins''': I am philosophically imposed to institutional secrecy in all its forms.
:'''Dr. Goodman''': Fine. Get out.
:'''Hodgins''': ''[scoffs]'' Pfft.
:'''Dr. Goodman''': Two communist Chinese trade attachés were on that plane when it crashed, both high ranking party men.
:'''Hodgins''': Obviously, we shot it down.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Brennan''': Not to mention, three bone fragments which were not on the plane.
:'''Dr. Goodman''': Is there any chance those bone fragments were on the plane?
:'''Angela''': What, you mean as carry-on luggage?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Got it, or you want me to explain it again?
:'''Booth''': Yeah, I got it. The plane goes down, kablooey, there's an extra body on board which you really don't care about because you're more interested in these bone fragments that you found on the ground.
:'''Brennan''': Exactly.
:'''Booth''': This all you got?
:'''Brennan''': So far, piece of skull, chunk of vertebra, part of a femur.
:'''Booth''': Not much to go on.
:'''Brennan''': These fragments come from a person who was hacked.
:'''Booth''': Hacked to little bits?
:'''Brennan''': No, medium-sized bits, not sure how it turned into little bits yet.
:'''Booth''': Okay. And I'm here why?
:'''Brennan''': Dismemberment, little bits, it's a murder.
:'''Booth''': Well, FBI doesn't have jurisdiction at a golf course.
:'''Brennan''': Well, who does?
:'''Booth''': I dunno, try the PGA. ''[smirks]'' You know, you've done a couple of cases without me, and you miss me.
:'''Brennan''': Zack misses you, not me.
:'''Booth''': Zack and I don't even talk.
:'''Brennan''': He seems to think it's a male bonding ritual.
:'''Booth''': Maybe he's right.
:'''Brennan''': No, he's not.
:'''Booth''': Could be.
:'''Brennan''': You told him that so you wouldn't have to talk to him.
:'''Booth''': Well, it was nicer then shooting him.
:'''Brennan''': Goodman has ordered me to investigate the other extra body.
:'''Booth''': Well, then, you better get on that. Next time, you know, you miss me... pick up the phone, call me, we'll do lunch.
:'''Brennan''': I do not miss you!
:'''Booth''': Yeah, you miss me. C'mon.
:'''Brennan''': I do not miss you!
:'''Booth''': Say it.
:''[A security guard walks in.]''
:'''Guard''': Dr. Brennan, Agent Booth, you have a visitor. ''[He leaves.]''
:'''Booth''': You miss me.
:'''Brennan''': No I don't. ''[She walks out.]''
:'''Booth''': You miss me. You miss me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': We've made some progress on the mystery passenger.
:'''Brennan''': Fill me in.
:'''Zack''': Nasal ridges indicated she was a Caucasoid female approximately five feet 10 inches. Epiphyseal fusion puts her age somewhere between twenty to twenty-five.
:'''Angela''': I have a theory.
:'''Hodgins''': Femme fatale assassin.
:'''Zack''': Unregistered flight attendant.
:'''Angela''': Young, beautiful girl, doesn't appear on the in-flight manifest, group of high-powered politicos.
:'''Hodgins''': Oh.
:'''Zack''': Wait. What? What?
:'''Brennan''': Someone on that flight might have been doing his daughter or girlfriend a favor.
:'''Angela''': Ugh, you're so sweet, honey.  You really are.
:'''Zack''': Oh, you think she was the in-flight ''entertainment''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': I'm going to ask you guys to help me on this. 
:'''Angela''': You mean after the Communist thing?
:'''Brennan''': No, immediately.
:'''Hodgins''': I'm in. 
:'''Zach''': You want us to defy Dr. Goodman?
:'''Hodgins''': I'm in. 
:'''Brennan''': Not defy per se. Do both jobs, but keep one a secret. 
:'''Hodgins''': I'm in.
:'''Angela''': We get it. You're a rebel.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Brennan''': Assume the victim was frozen solid when he was fed into the chipper. 
:'''Zach''': No way!
:'''Booth''': ''[to Brennan]'' The correct response would be &quot;yes way.&quot;
:'''Brennan''': Oh. ''[to Zack]'' Yes way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': ''[to Booth]'' I feel like kicking him. 
:'''Booth''': ''[pulling out handcuffs]'' That's normal after a pursuit. We try not to do that. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Hey, you know, your people are my people. 
:'''Brennan''': What? I have people? Hey, I have people.

=== ''Two Bodies in the Lab'' [1.15] ===
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Ask them to save the excrement for Hodgins.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Fine, you know what? You have fun with Dick431 or whatever his handle is. 
:'''Brennan''': Yeah, I will. 
:'''Booth''': Good.
:'''Brennan''': Thanks. 
:'''Booth''': Fine. 
:'''Brennan''': Good. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins:''': I'm doing the fecal flotation right now. ''[pauses]'' Wow, don't get to say that a lot.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': Booth is a big, strong, hot guy who wants to save your life. I mean, you actually have a knight in shining FBI standard-issue body armor, so cut him some slack.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Booth is looking at Brennan's music collection.]''
:'''Booth:''': Tibetan throat singers... rock on, Bones.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Uh, how did that get there?
:'''Booth:''': C'mon, Bones, everybody loves [[w:Foreigner|Foreigner]]. &quot;Hot Blooded&quot;? Talk about a guilty pleasure. Check it, baby. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Did they gather all the evidence from the explosion? 
:'''Brennan''': Yes. 
:'''Booth''': You're sure? 
:'''Brennan''': Yes. Booth, I was there. They were very thorough and I was very annoying. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': Let's talk revenge. Bloodlust. 
:'''Brennan''': The cathartic release we are looking for can only be achieved when we successfully gather enough evidence to neutralize the person or persons responsible for putting Booth in the hospital.
:'''Zack''': &quot;Neutralize&quot; can mean either kill or arrest...
:'''Brennan''': Yes, it can mean either.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth:''': Maybe if we weren't in a toy car...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': This conspiracy thing is a lot more intense when you're in the middle of it.

=== ''The Woman in the Tunnel'' [1.16] ===
:'''Booth''': ''[to Brennan]'' You know ''[[w:Treasure of the Sierra Madre (film)|Treasure of the Sierra Madre]]'', but you don't know [[Charlize Theron]]? You know who you are? You're my grandmother.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Bones, I mean, you do realize that you are discussing motive right now? Psychology, not hard evidence. 
:'''Brennan''': It won't happen again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': He came down with an accomplice. I apologize. I have been hanging around Booth way too much.
:'''Brennan''': It's a valid hypothesis. No doubt one of many.
:'''Zack''': They argued, one killed the other for the treasure. Doesn't that mean the vault will be empty when we find it? ''[Hodgins gives him a look]'' Oh my god, they got me, too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': You're nervous.
:'''Angela''': I'm not nervous.  I'm scared.  I don't know how to talk to crazy people unless I'm dating them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Can I just have a gun at least until they get here? It's not for shooting rats, it's for psychos with climbing axes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': FBI! Hands in the air!
:'''Brennan''': Yeah! Hands in the air!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Bones, give me your gun. Take the restraints out of my belt and put 'em on Kyle. ''[Bones puts her gun in Booth's pants pocket]''
:'''Booth''': That's not cocked, is it? Because where that's pointed ...
:'''Brennan''': You're safe. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': She knew about this treasure. She was going to put it in her documentary. It would have cost you guys a fortune. So one of you killed her. Who's left-handed? ''[starts walking towards Kyle]''
:'''Booth''': Bones, you know, it's best to have this sort of explanation after the bad guys are incapacitated.
:'''Brennan''': ''[turns to Booth]'' Why?
:'''Kyle''': ''[shoves Bones, grabs a candlestick and attacks Duke]'' You killed her for this?! ''[Bones knocks Kyle out]''
:'''Booth''': That's why.
:'''Brennan''': Yeah. Well, I'll try to remember that for next time. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Kyle hit the Duke with the candlestick in the crypt.
:'''Goodman''': That's very good! Very good. ''[laughs]''
:'''Booth''': Right. ''[laughs]''
:'''Brennan''': ''[confused]'' What? What's the joke?
:'''Booth''': [[w:Cluedo|Clue]]?
:'''Brennan''': What clue? ''[Booth and Goodman both laugh]'' What clue?
:'''Booth''': Unbelievable, Bones.
:'''Angela''': What's the joke?
:'''Brennan''': I have no idea.

=== ''The Skull in the Desert'' [1.17] ===

:'''Brennan''': ''[calls Booth on his cell phone]'' How far are you from Dallas? 
:'''Booth''': As far as your office is from Dulles. 
:'''Brennan''': Why are you in my office? 
:'''Booth''': I need your findings on the Richmond case. Listen, Zack won't tell me where they are unless you give him permission. 
:'''Brennan''': There's a 9:15 flight to Denver, then there's an 11:35 flight to Santa Fe. You have to run to make the connection. 
:'''Booth''': Forget it. 
:'''Brennan''': Booth, please. Angela's boyfriend is missing... maybe dead... it took all of my charm... 
:'''Booth''': All of your charm? Oh boy... 
:'''Brennan''': Just to get the sheriff to let me look at the skull. When I asked him to let me send the skull to the Jeffersonian, he told me I am not a cop and I don't have any jurisdiction. 
:'''Booth''': Which is true, okay look, what do you want me to do? 
:'''Brennan''': I want you to get federal on his ass. 
:'''Booth''': ''[smiles smugly and proudly]'' Oh!

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': I'm touring the hottest places in the universe. Next stop... Hell. 

&lt;hr width=50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Wait outside while I get dressed. 
:'''Booth''': No, uh-uh. The sun's been up for an hour out there. It's already the surface of Mercury. I can stand here, close my eyes, eat my doughnuts. Best I can do. Okay. 

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Okay, no offense to Angela, but she doesn't really know this guy. She's only with him&amp;mdash;what? Only three weeks out of the year? 
:'''Brennan''': Yeah, no offense to you, but you are a stodgy traditionalist when it comes to relationships, buddy. 
:'''Booth''': Stodgy? Stodgy. 
:'''Brennan''': Yeah, stodgy. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': He's definitely twitchy about somethin'.
:'''Brennan''': What if he's escaping out the back door? 
:'''Booth''': You don't spend a lot of time in trailers, do you?

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Obviously, you subconsciously sifted through the rational facts of the case, and processed the most likely scenario. 
:'''Booth''': I'm sure that's it. 
:'''Booth''': Yeah, what else could it be? 
:'''Angela''': It's the only rational explanation. 
:'''Brennan''': Wait, are you guys making fun of me? 
:'''Booth''': You know? Let's go back home. You know, where there's water and shelter and living things. Come on.

=== ''The Man with the Bone'' [1.18] ===

:'''Booth:''' ''[walking along a hallway leading to the morgue]'' Welcome to the dungeon.
:'''Brennan:''' Why do the FBI always stick their morgues in the most depressing basement they can find?
:'''Booth''': Don't be such a snob, Bones, okay? Not everyone gets to play in a multi-million dollar lab, you know... with skylights.
:'''Brennan''': It's because, as a society, we feel the need to hide death away. The people who deal with the death are viewed as freaks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zack''': ''[as Booth arrives]'' Dr. Brennan, the destroyer of evidence is here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': FBI! You're all under arrest!
:'''Booth''': Come on, Bones, you don't get to say that. I'm the one with the badge.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': You dive, too?
:'''Brennan''': Yeah.  I have the time because I don't own a TV.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Where the hell are my bones?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': ''[in Dr. Goodman's face]''  Bones don't just disappear.  I thought this was a secure facility.  You assured me this was a secure facility.  I could be working at Stanford, you know?  This never would've happened at Stanford!
:'''Goodman''': We spend three-quarters of a million annually on security!
:'''Brennan''': ''Obviously'' that's not enough. ''[Booth comes in.]'' I want my bones!  Did you find my bones?
:'''Booth''': Ooh, maybe you just want to, you know, chill a little?
:'''Brennan''': ''Chill''?
:'''Booth''':  Yeah, you know, take a pill?
:'''Brennan''': Listen, ''dude'', my lab was violated, my bones were stolen, so I think I'll remain ''warm'' for a little while longer.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cullen''': Okay, let me see if I get this straight.  The pirate bones you recovered came from the Jeffersonian to start with.  
:'''Brennan''': Correct.
:'''Goodman''': 300-year-old bones stolen from our own pirate exhibit.
:'''Cullen''': And then recovered by own of your own people?
:'''Booth''': Dr. Hodgins.
:'''Cullen''': Who brought them back to the Jeffersonian, where they were stolen again?
:'''Booth''': Re-stolen, sir.
:'''Cullen''': You got a security problem, Dr. Goodman.
:'''Goodman''': And when I find out who did this, you may have a murder problem.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Security guard''': I didn't see the harm.
:'''Brennan''': In stealing human remains?
:'''Security guard''': After 300 years, it's not like he's got a family grieving for him out there.
:'''Goodman''': Think of me as a grieving parent.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': ''[to security guard]'' Grand theft, buddy.  You're looking at eight years.
:'''Goodman''': If I don't kill you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': How much did you get for 'em?
:'''Security guard''': A couple of hundred bucks.
:'''Booth''': Yeah.  So this, uh, wire transfer into your bank for ten grand&amp;mdash;was that inheritance?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': ''[talking about the Jeffersonian's security]'' You know, you need a better screening process down at the museum.
:'''Goodman''': Ironic, given we contract that out to the FBI.

=== ''The Man in the Morgue'' [1.19] ===
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Bones, you okay? 
:'''Brennan''': Booth, I told you not to come. 
:'''Detective Harding''': Who's this? 
:'''Brennan''': It's… he's F.B.I. We're sort of partners.
:'''Detective Harding''': A guy flies down from D.C. You're more than sort of.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': Is that Booth?
:'''Brennan''': Yes.
:'''Angela''': You're hopping the Streetcar Named Desire with Booth? Oh, I love this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Voodoo.. ''[laughs]'' Who's gonna believe that stuff?
:'''[[w:Temperance Brennan|Brennan]]''': It's a religion no crazier than&amp;mdash;well, what are you?
:'''Booth''': Catholic.
:'''Brennan''': They believe in the same saints you do. And prayer. What they call spells, you call miracles. They have priests.
:'''Booth''': We don't make zombies.
:'''Brennan''': Jesus rose from the dead after three days.
:'''Booth''': Jesus is not a zombie!  I shouldn't even have to tell you that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': Why haven't you come home?
:'''Brennan''': Pretty soonm Ange. 
:'''Angela''': Is Booth there socially?
:'''Brennan''': No, of course not. 
:'''Angela''': All right, what is going on? ''[Booth grabs phone from Brennan]''
:'''Booth''': Okay, Bones has amnesia because a... voodoo murderer put a spell on her to keep her from solving the murder of John Doe 361.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': We just stopped by to ask why.
:'''Detective Harding''': Why?
:'''Brennan''': That's what we came here to ask.
:'''Detective Harding''': You wanna look behind me and remind yourself why I'm a little low on sense of humor?
:'''Booth''': ''[to Harding]'' She's not wisecracking, she just tends to be a bit literal.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Voodoo. It's probably voodoo. 
:'''Angela''': Voodoo?
:'''Brennan''': Okay, quit saying voodoo. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': It could have been me. 
:'''Booth''': No, it couldn't. 
:'''Brennan''': Yes. What? How do you know? 
:'''Booth''': I just know, okay? I'd bet my professional career on it. ''[under his breath]'' I already did.
:'''Brennan''': What? 
:'''Booth''': Nothing. 
:'''Brennan''': What did you do? 
:'''Booth''': Bones, stop! This is the last time and place that you wanna be rational, okay? Let's just be wildly emotional and assume that you didn't psychotically murder a co-worker who invited you over for dinner! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Caroline''': I am doing you a favor taking this case, Booth. But as the lady cop says, I'm a prosecutor. And as it stands now, I could try this case in my PJs and still get a conviction.
:'''Brennan''': Well, shouldn't you get to know your clients before you make snap judgments?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Caroline''': Fine. Stop me when I get something wrong. Trained in three types of martial arts, two assault charges, registered marksman with the NRA, hunting licenses in four states…
:'''Booth''': You hunt?
:'''Brennan''': Only for food.
:'''Caroline''': Shot an unarmed man.
:'''Dr. Brennan''': He was trying to set me on fire.
:'''Booth''': All right, just… just arrange bail for us, Caroline, so we can get out of here.
:'''Caroline''': Sure, sure. Don't want to get this one mad at me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Why are you nice to me?
:'''Booth''': Because. Because they think they get away with it.
:'''Brennan''': What?
:'''Booth''': They burn their victim. They blow him up. They toss him in the ocean. They bury them in the desert. They throw ‘em to wood chippers. Sometimes, you know, years go by, they relax. Then they start living their lives like they didn't do anything wrong. Like they didn't spend somebody else's life in order to get what they got. They think they're safe from retribution. You make those bastards unsafe. That's why I'm nice to you.
:'''Brennan''': I couldn't do that without you, Booth.
:'''Booth''': Yeah. So, um, you should be a little nicer to me, huh?
:'''Brennan''': I really should.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In a telephone conversation]''
:'''Angela''': Or, better still, you could forget the whole thing and come home. 
:'''Brennan''': Don't worry, I made bail.
:'''Zack''': Bail?
:'''Angela''': Bail? For what?
:'''Brennan''': I told you, don't worry. The murder charge won't stick.
:'''Hodgins''': Whoa, whoa. Murder charge?
:'''Angela''': Brennan, the next plane, OK? The next plane, or I'm coming down there to get you myself.
:'''Brennan''': Everything's fine. I'm healing up satisfactorily. Bye for now. ''[Holds up.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Murderer starts chanting voodoo spells, Brennan steps forward and pokes him in the eye.]''
:'''Brennan''': I find very few people are scary once they've been poked in the eye.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Booth, objects have no intrinsic power. A person's future does not depend on some thing. Things are just things. They do not have magical meaning or powers. ''[Booth shows her the missing earring he found]'' Where'd you get that?
:'''Booth''': What does it matter? It's just a thing. Right?
:'''Brennan''': My mother's earring.
:'''Booth''': No, uh… magical power over your future. ''[Booth walks out]''
:'''Angela''': Does that prove something?
:'''Brennan''': ''[looking at earring]'' Yeah. It proves something.

=== ''The Graft in the Girl'' [1.20] ===
:'''Booth:''' Okay, listen. About a month ago, his daughter, Amy, was diagnosed with cancer. Mileso...
:'''Brennan:''' Mesothemlioma. Lung cancer.
:'''Booth:''' Exactly. So she is not doing so well, so it's a lot easier for us to come to him right now.
:'''Brennan:''' Huh.
:'''Booth:''' Huh what?
:'''Brennan:''' Nothing. It's just that's an extremely rare form of lung cancer. Odd for someone Amy's age to contract&amp;mdash;
:'''Booth:''' ''[Cutting her off]'' No. No no no. No probing, 'kay? Not to Cullen, not to his family. This will take five minutes. We go in there, we do the show and tell, we leave him with the case, and then we're outta there. Is that clear?
:'''Brennan:''' I just think it's peculiar&amp;mdash;
:'''Booth:''' No.
:'''Brennan:''' But I&amp;mdash;
:'''Booth:''' No!
:'''Brennan:''' You have to admit&amp;mdash;
:'''Cullen:''' Booth!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': How do you listen to this all day?
:'''Brennan''': I find intelligence soothing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Booth''': Oh, come on, Bones. She hated the guy. My guess is she got 10 G's stuffed in her mattress back in Trailerville. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Booth''': So, is it him?
:'''Brennan''': It's him. But here's the kickster...
:'''Booth''': Kicker, Bones. Here's the kicker.
:'''Brennan''': Oh.

=== ''The Soldier in the Grave'' [1.21] ===
:'''Goodman''': It's difficult knowing Kent will never play again.  Makes the war so real.
:'''Hodgins''': Which is odd, because it was all fiction that got us there in the first place.
:'''Goodman''': So you don't think we should stand up to tyrants?
:'''Hodgins''': Sure.  I've been waitin' for the press to do that for three years now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': (imitating) &quot;Listen, cowboy. Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway.&quot;
:'''Booth''': What was that? The Duke? That was horrible. That was, like, Jerry Lewis. 
:'''Brennan''': Was not. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Now you're a mind reader?
:'''Booth''': Maybe. You want me to guess your weight?
:'''Brennan''': You do and you could lose a tooth. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': Yeah. Men aren't like us. They're much more fragile and needy. The fact that they think ''we're'' the needy ones is a testament to our superiority. 
:'''Brennan''': Yeah. I guess I forgot. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': I'm guessing mad. Fair enough. Can I at least give you come material to read? 
:'''Angela''': You could try, but you'd walk funny for a week.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Hodgins''': I hate to say conspiracy, but, my peeps, we've got a conspiracy.

=== ''The Woman in Limbo'' [1.22] ===

:'''Booth''': How 'bout this for an amusing, rhyming linguini. See ya later, alligator.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Any of you see Bones? Okay, we're due in court, like&amp;mdash;hello&amp;mdash;now... What? 
:'''Angela''': This ''[activates hologram showing an image]'' totally freaked her out. 
:''[Booth starts dialing on his cell phone.]''
:'''Zack''': My theory? Caffeine intolerance. 
:'''Booth''': ''[speaking into his phone]'' Yeah. You're gonna want to take Dr. Brennan off the witness list today... No. She can't make it into court. Thanks. 
:'''Angela''': All right. What's going on? 
:'''Booth''': That... is Christine Brennan. 
:'''Goodman''': Good God. 
:'''Booth''': You just found Bones's mother. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Russ Brennan''': I call... every year... on your birthday. You never pick up. 
:'''Brennan''': Take a hint. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': The NCIC database? That's... That's criminals. My parents were on a list of federal offenders? 
:'''Russ Brennan''': How do you like that? Guess a criminal nature runs in the family. 
:'''Brennan''': ''[holding up a picture of her brother]'' You were seven years old, Russ. Old enough to remember. What... What is your real name? What is ''my'' real name? 
:'''Booth''': Bones, it's right here in the file. 
:'''Brennan''': ''[turning to Booth]'' No! NO! I want him to tell me! ''[exhales and faces Russ]''
:'''Brennan''': What is my real name, Russ? 
:'''Russ Brennan''': ''[long pause]'' My name was Kyle. Your name was Joy. 
:'''Brennan''': ''You'' are not my brother! ''[slaps Russ]''
:'''Booth''': Bones! 
:'''Brennan''': No! He lied about that! What else are you lying about? What else are you not telling us? ''[angrily walks off]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''':  I worshipped him. You know? Oooh. God. He was so cool. Everyone knew I was Russ Brennan's little sister. I wasn't cool or pretty, so being his sister... You know that game, Marco Polo? I'd be sitting in class, and I'd hear out the window &quot;Marco!&quot; It'd be Russ, checking in on me and letting everyone know that I was his little sister.
:'''Angela''': Did you &quot;Polo?&quot;
:'''Brennan''': Yeah. Sometimes it'd be the only word I said all day. &quot;Polo.&quot; And then Mom and Dad disappeared and Russ took off. Suddenly, no one cared where I was. I miss that. Someone caring where I am all the time. 
:'''Booth''': Bones! Bones! You up there? Come on. Let's go. Chop chop.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': Hate is easier to deal with than love, especially disappointed love.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Hey, you know what? I'm gonna play hardball with Witness Protection. If they don't cooperate, I'm  gonna put his face in the paper. 
:'''Brennan''': Wouldn't you get in trouble for that? 
:'''Booth''': Well, we'll find out. 
:'''Angela''': You know what? Sometimes, he is just... Whew. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': My name is Brennan. I'm Doctor... I'm Dr. Temperance Brennan. I work at the Jeffersonian Institution. I'm a forensic anthropologist. I specialize in identif... in identifying... in identifying people when nobody knows who they are. My father was a science teacher. My mother was a bookkeeper. My brother... I have a brother. I'm Dr. Temperance Brennan. 
:'''Booth''': I know who you are. Hey, I know. It's okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Russ Brennan''': Tempe, that theory explains why Mom never came back for you during those one-and-a-half years before she died!
:'''Brennan''': What's your excuse, Russ?
:'''Russ Brennan''': You're the one that left me! You needed someone to blame and you chose me.
:'''Brennan''': I was fifteen years old!
:'''Russ Brennan''': I was 19. My parents were gone. My sister hated my guts. Everyone told me that she'd be better off in foster care.
:'''Brennan''': You didn't even ask me!
:'''Russ Brennan''': I tried, Temperance. You wouldn't talk to me. You still wouldn't talk to me if Mom's bones didn't show up. And I kept trying. Every year. Every year on your birthday. You're the one that gave up. You turned your back on me and you made yourself a new family. ''[walks away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Vince McVicar is in custody, and wants to talk to Bones.]''
:'''Booth''': You got two ways to look at this. One is, you score a private chat. The second one is, you attack her, and I'll drill you through the forehead. 
:'''McVicar''': How can I possibly attack her? 
:'''Booth''': I'll decide what is and ''isn't'' an attack. Like, say, a hiccup.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Sometimes people need to explain things to me, I guess.
:'''Russ Brennan''': You have to let them talk.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Russ''': Marco. 
:'''Brennan''': Polo. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': ''[toasting]'' To us.
:'''Russ Brennan''': Whoever the hell we are.
:'''Brennan''': To what we're becoming.

== Season 2 ==
=== ''The Titan on the Tracks'' [2.1] ===
:'''[[w:Seeley Booth|Booth]]''': What did you do?
:'''[[w:Temperance Brennan|Brennan]]''': I read, walked on the beach, chilled...
:'''Booth''': You ''chilled?'' At Darfur? You chilled at Darfur?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': What's with the siren, why are you driving like a maniac?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cam''': Why are you still here, Dr. Brennan?
:'''Brennan''': Because I'm not a coroner and I don't work for you.
:'''Cam''': Half right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': Cam and Booth. Look how she touches his arm when he laughs. 
:'''Hodgins''': You touch my arm when I laugh. 
:'''Angela''': No, no. You touch me. It's a big difference. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zack''': You're saying &quot;dude&quot; too much.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Cam''': Hey, Hodge-Podge, all engines reverse. First we identify beyond a shadow of a doubt, then we get paranoid.  
:'''Hodgins''': Cool. As long as paranoia's on the schedule somewhere. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': ''[to Brennan, trying to cheer her up about her not being named Goodman's replacement]'' You're not a flesh-pressing, ink-stained, policy-making wank-tard. 

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cam''': ''[Hodgins knows Cam overheard the &quot;wank-tard&quot; comment, and starts babbling]'' You're chattering me to death because you hope I'll forget that you called me a wank-tard. 
:'''Hodgins''': ''[chastened]'' It's a... made-up word. No meaning.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Warren Lynch suffered declining bone mass due to long-term abuse of his hypothalamic pituitary gonadal axis. 
:'''Booth''': Nothing says &quot;junkie&quot; like your gonad's axis, Ricky. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Zack and Hodgins are proving there was extra accelerant in Lynch's vehicle.
:'''Cam''': Using what medium?
:'''Brennan''': Artificial bone covered with SPAM. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cam''': ''[after making them stop the experiment with SPAM]'' If it happens again, I will take action. And I am from New York, which means that I will take New York action. Am I clear?
:'''Brennan''': Not at all.
:'''Zack''': I'm from Michigan.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Oh, really, and the time you dropped a dead monkey down the elevator shaft...
:'''Brennan''': No, that was to show... Okay, I take your point. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Don't you have to read him his rights before you strangle him?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Yeah, Bones doesn't intimidate.
:'''Cam''': Then... what?
:'''Booth''': Have you seen the way she stares at human remains before she makes a decision?
:'''Cam''': Yes.
:'''Booth''': You're human remains, and she hasn't made a decision yet. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Do that lying thing...
:'''Booth''': Could you be more specific?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Come on, Booth. The part of you with the big gambling problem must love this idea. 
:'''Booth''': Right there. Mm-hm. That's the reason you didn't get Cam's job.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prosecutor''': ''[after advising Dr. Brennan and the rest of the team the Turko will only get 10 years for his involvement in the train crash]'' It's 10 years or nothing. I can only work with what I'm given, and the forensic work on this was not good enough. 
:'''Brennan''': What? 
:'''Prosecutor''': You were fooled by fake dental records, you baked some spam. 
:'''Cam''': What did you want us to do? 
:'''Prosecutor''': Your jobs. 
:'''Booth''': Hey! 
:'''Cam''': No, Ms. Supek, you want us to do your job. My people gave you all the evidence you need to fry Turko with any reasonable jury. 
:'''Prosecutor''': Forensically... 
:'''Cam''': We gave you everything you needed to arrest Turko. 
:'''Prosecutor''': Arrest is not a conviction. 
:'''Cam''': We definitely gave you enough to reject his plea bargain and indict him in the wrongful death of a senator. 
:'''Prosecutor''': Indictment is not a conviction. 
:'''Booth''': You accept that plea bargain and the investigation stops. 
:'''Brennan''': Indict him give us time to get you what you need. 
:'''Cam''': If you accept this plea bargain you don't deserve to be a Federal Prosecutor. 
:'''Prosecutor''': Dr. Saroyan! 
:'''Cam''': Yeah, it's scary. The whole country'll be watching the trial and you don't want to go in with less than a sure thing. But you put my people on the stand as expert witnesses and that's a sure thing. 
:'''Brennan''', '''Hodgins''', '''Angela''': ''[together]'' Not Zack. 
:'''Cam''': You can tell the story of what happened using the evidence these people provided and if you any ability as a Prosecutor you'll win the case. 
:'''Prosecutor''': Are you finished? 
:'''Cam''': No, Ms. Supeck. In the future, when you have problems with my team, you'll register them with me in private. Not by grandstanding in a public forum.

=== ''The Mother and Child in the Bay'' [2.2] ===

:'''Booth''': It's amazing, Bones, you can really be snotty sometimes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Does she think I'm new at this?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': You have kids and we'll talk. 
:'''Brennan''': That's a lot to ask for a little conversation.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cam''': What do you want?
:'''Angela''': George Clooney naked on a white sand beach.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Monkeys are Daddy's favorite! They're just like people! 
:'''Brennan''': Actually, three million base pairs of the genome differ in protein encoding and other functional areas. 
:'''Booth''': What? 
:'''Brennan''': The differences between chimps and humans. 
:'''Booth''': I'm talking to a four-year-old, Bones.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': It's beautiful here. 
:'''Booth''': Yeah, you know, that's important for a murder.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': You want me to what? 
:'''Brennan''': Stab the body for me. We need to match force with the injuries recorded on the remains. 
:'''Booth''': Okay, I'm stabbing the body. 
:'''Brennan''': It's a replica. We're all going to do it, you're just the closest to Kyle Richardson. 
:'''Booth''': Okay, you know what? That's great, I'll be there in twenty. But in the future, you just got to ask me differently, Bones, because you know what? Come over to your place to stab a body? That is just freaky.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': The knife is consistent with the one that caused the wounds. We've fitted it with an instrumented blade that will give us a digital readout of the Newton meters of each stab. 
:'''Zach''': It's a dual-mass drop system. 
:'''Cam''': All I hear is blah, blah, blah.
:'''Hodgins''': Cliff notes version: We all stab. One of us is the killer.
:'''Booth''': Thank you! 
:'''Angela''': Sort of like a real creepy party game. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cam''': The last place I worked we had a drunk sketch artist.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': We make our lives out of chaos and hope. And love.

=== ''The Boy in the Shroud'' [2.3] ===

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
:'''Zack''': Romeo and Juliet, Act Two, Scene Two, the quote concerned most aptly describes the central conflict of the play.  Which I totally do not understand.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': I hurt you a little bit,  but that's only because you ran.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': Tension, party of 2.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': Dr. Saroyan, I don't want to be overly dramatic or anything, but if you lose Brennan, you lose us all. 
:'''Cam''': Really? 
:'''Angela''': Really, and Booth too. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zack''': I'm not used to bodies looking so much like actual human beings.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cam''': Booth, if Dr. Brennan were to quit...
:'''Booth''': What?
:'''Cam''': If she were to leave the Jeffersonian...
:'''Booth''': Well, the squints would flee this institution like the French army.
:'''Cam''': And you?
:'''Booth''': Well, I do as I'm ordered.
:'''Cam''': No, you don't, Seeley.
:'''Booth''': Okay, here we go. What's going on, Camille?
:'''Cam''': What if I fired her? What would you do?
:'''Booth''': I'm with Bones, Cam. All the way. Don't doubt it for a second. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cam''': ''[to Hodgins]'' When it comes to bugs, slime, crud, and compost, you're the man. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': I found the murder weapon!
:'''Angela''': ''[clearly impressed]'' Oh, you are good.
:'''Hodgins''': You have no idea.
:'''Zach''': Are you having a moment?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cam''': Not everyone's brain works as fast as yours. I have to mull sometimes. Are... are you familiar with that concept?
:'''Brennan''': Yes. I just always thought that it was a waste of time.

=== ''The Blonde in the Game'' [2.4] ===

:'''Brennan''': I always wanted a pig.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': In some cultures, dogs can guard corpses, sometimes to the point of starvation. So... shoot it. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': My uncle Preston wants to be buried standing up without a casket.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': Hey Angela! You look great today.
:'''Angela''': Thanks Hodgie! This is my bo-ho rocker, artist, mid-week, take-a-deep-breath-and-pout look.
:'''Brennan''': Hodgie?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': You know, if you had a pet pig, what would you name him?
:'''Brennan''': ''[looking at him like answer is obvious]'' Jasper.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Caroline''': Oh, Agent Booth. Howard's told me you both saved his life last year.
:'''Booth''': It was our pleasure.
:'''Brennan''': ''[looks at Booth in confusion]'' What? I was disappointed.
:'''Caroline''': ''[to Brennan]'' Extending Howard's life has given him time to come to grips with what he's done&amp;mdash;to ask God for forgiveness.
:'''Booth''': Then we did the right thing by having his execution stayed.
:'''Brennan''': ''[staring at Caroline Epps]'' Are you on some kind of medication?
:'''Booth''': ''[rolls his eyes]'' Bones.
:'''Caroline''': Dr. Brennan, I'm not one of those crazy women who falls in love with death row killers.
:'''Brennan''': Obviously that's exactly what you are.
:'''Booth''': ''[butts in, handing Caroline a business card]'' Listen, if the prison ever gives you a hard time in coming to see your husband, just give me a call. I might be able to help. ''[He pats her arm in over-exuberant reassurance.]''
:'''Caroline''': Thank you, Agent Booth.
:'''Brennan''': Are you serious? She's crazy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': ''[ranting]'' These crossed hammers prove that Epps is working for the top level of the Illuminati.
:'''Zack''': That's the cartographic symbol for a mine.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Where's the siren on this thing?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': What is with Caroline Epps? I mean, why have a child with a monster like him? What is she gonna tell the child when it grows up? &quot;Hi, your daddy's a monster.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zack''': Perhaps the point isn't that German is a different language, but that it's actually a different language.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': I can't just guess, I have a process!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': How can I take care of a pig? I can't even take care of plants.

=== ''The Truth in the Lye'' [2.5] ===
:'''Brennan''': And if you're not helpless, then why did you sleep with her?
:'''Booth''':  Oh, I really don't recall saying that I did!
:'''Brennan''': Well, you didn't have to. I could hear it in your voice. I might as well have walked in on you having sex.
:'''Booth''': Oh, you didn't, and we weren't.
:'''Brennan''': It's nothing to be ashamed of, Booth. Humans act upon a hierarchy of needs, and sex is very highly ranked. It's an anthropological inevitability.
:'''Booth''': Thank you, Bones. I really appreciate you boiling me down to your anthropological inevitabilities.
:'''Brennan''': Sure. Anytime.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': I'll take a front-row seat for that. Sorry, did I say that out loud?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': Maybe he dissolved himself so there'd be more of him to go around. I'm going to hell, aren't I?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zack''': I'm going on police business. 
:'''Hodgins''': So proud. (to Cam) Wait, does he mean ''out?'' In the world? 
:'''Cam''': We'll pin our number on his shirt. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': What you thought were teethmarks, Doctor Saroyan... turned out to be Chinese characters engraved along the side.
:'''Hodgins''': What do they say?
:'''Angela''': They say, &quot;What make foolish man think I speak Chinese?&quot;
:'''Hodgins''': I thought you were half Chinese!
:'''Angela''': And I think you're half Swedish. Let's hear some Swedish!

=== ''The Girl in Suite 2103'' [2.6] ===
:'''Brennan''': ''[to Booth]'' You seem uncomfortable. Does his size make you self-conscious? ''[pointing to Radswell]''
:'''Booth''': Bones.
:'''Brennan''': It's a condition—skeletal dysplasia. Pseudoachondroplasia or S.E.D. congenita? 
:'''Booth''': Bones!
:'''Brennan''': What?
:'''Radswell''': Dr. Brennan, I can see that you're a straightforward person and as much as I appreciate that quality, what you're asking me is neither your business nor relevant. 
:'''Brennan''': But it's my business because I'm a forensic anthropologist. But, you're right, it's not relevant. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': You're used to people deferring to you because of your size. It's a normal response that you take advantage of. I don't like it.
:'''Booth''': Here we go.
:'''Brennan''': Well, see? ''[to Booth]'' Even you don't want to say anything to hurt his tiny feelings. ''[to Radswell]'' I don't mean that your feelings are tiny, I mean that you have feelings about being tiny.
:'''Radswell''': The ramifications and repercussions of impeded access will compromise accommodative responses detrimental to your unabated participation in our shared endeavors. ''[confused look on Brennan's face]''
:'''Booth''': That's State Department speak. We don't do it his way, we'll get fired.
:'''Brennan''': See? If a regular-sized person tried to intimidate you, you'd threaten to kick him through the window. But because in his case it's an actual physical possibility—

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': ''[looking at Angela intently]'' Oh, I could kiss you.
:'''Angela''': That would require permission, which I deny.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': ''[to Booth]'' Can I talk to him?
:'''Radswell''': Hello? Dr. Brennan? I'm just small, not invisible.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Come on, Alex. Baby steps. ''[pause at Radswell's reaction]'' No offense.
:'''Brennan''': ''[chuckles]'' I just got that. It's baby steps, because you're so small. ''[chuckles]'' It's probably offensive. 
:'''Radswell''': Sorry, I can't help you. ''[He leaves.]''
:'''Brennan''': Sorry.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cam''': It's a bluff.  Cops do it all the time.
:'''Booth''': So you think if we frame Antonio, Judge Ramos will confess to save her own son.
:'''Cam''': What mother wouldn't?
:'''Booth''': Bones?
:'''Brennan''': No. No!
:'''Cam''': It's no different than lying to a criminal to get a confession.
:'''Booth''': Or having Hodgins call the FAA with a fake terrorism tip.
:'''Cam''': He did ''what''?
:'''Booth''': Oh, what, now suddenly there's a line?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': We cheat diplomatic immunity here in DC, we catch a murderer. That's great. They do it in Upper Kamikazestan and our boys end up on a red-hot spit over a slow fire.
:'''Brennan''': There's no such place as Kamikazestan.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Shouldn't we do something?
:'''Booth''': You kidding? Hodgins being abducted by men in black? It's a dream come true.

=== ''The Girl with the Curl'' [2.7] ===
:'''Hodgins''': What is she, a midget stripper?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': Childhood should be all about swings.
:'''Hodgins''': Swings?
:'''Angela''': You know&amp;mdash;&quot;How high can I go?&quot; &quot;If I twist the chains, how fast will I spin?&quot;
:'''Hodgins''': Or if I try and jump off before the swing stops.
:'''Angela''': Exactly.
:'''Hodgins''': I miss that feeling.
:'''Angela''': Yeah, me too.
:'''Brennan''': I miss organic chemistry class.  Those were good times.
:'''Zack''': I miss my first microscope.
:'''Booth''': Yeah, and I miss normal people. Can we move on?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': Listen, Angela, we've been dancing around this for months now, like two pieces of neodymium caught in a magnetic field.
:'''Angela''': Is that good?
:'''Hodgins''': Yeah. But if the field weakens, they fly apart. Which is why I thought they should go on a date.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': Hodgins asked me out.
:'''Brennan''': Is that why you're hiding in here? 
:'''Angela''': I'm not hiding. I need advice.
:'''Brennan''': What, on a personal matter?
:'''Angela''': Yes.
:'''Brennan''':  From me?
:'''Angela''': Yes.
:'''Brennan''': But romance is sort of&amp;mdash;This is like me asking you advice on phylogenetic systematics.
:'''Angela''': Phylogenetic systematics.  I have no idea what that is.
:'''Brennan''': ''[smiles]'' Exactly.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': I learned about cankles.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': I'm&amp;mdash;I'm not a molester. I'm a forensic anthropologist.
:'''Booth''': Okay. FBI business. Everybody just simmer down.
:'''Pageant contestant #2''': ''[adamantly, to Booth]'' She touched me on my rear!
:'''Brennan''': ''[to the little girl]'' No, &quot;back&quot; and &quot;rear&quot; have totally different connotations. ''[to Booth and the rest of the people surrounding her]'' Point of clarification. I touched her back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zack''': She has very nice, symmetrical buttocks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': This is what happened when Rome fell...
:'''Booth''': What? People ate stale donuts?
:'''Brennan''': Objectification of women... Beauty as self-esteem...
:'''Booth''': You know, I think, you know, some of those kids actually had a good time.
:'''Brennan''': That girl in pink could really dance, but then again Nero could really play the fiddle.
:'''Booth''': You know, Bones, I like to think that, um, some place deep inside, people really know what's important.
:'''Brennan''': It's hard to believe when you see women trying to disguise or change themselves. I never understood that.
:'''Booth''': Well, I mean, of course you wouldn't.
:'''Brennan''': Why?
:'''Booth''': Well, it's just, you know, someone who looks like ''you'' wouldn't... just because of the way you look.
:'''Brennan''': I don't understand. What way do I look?
:'''Booth''': ''[Somewhat shyly]'' Well, you know, you're structured... very well.
:'''Brennan''': ''[Smiles]'' As are you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': I'll tell you what. How about I, ah, order some takeout and I ditch these doughnuts?
:'''Brennan''': Sure.
:'''Booth and Brennan''': ''[simultaneously]'' Thai food?
:'''Booth''': This time, I'm ordering extra mee krob, because you ate it last time. All of it.
:'''Brennan''': ''[laughs]'' What? I thought you were done.
:'''Booth''': Oh, right. ''[laughing, incredulous]'' I was done? 
:'''Brennan''': ''[nods emphatically]'' Yeah.
:'''Booth''': You finished all of it. 
:'''Brennan''': I did not. ''[grinning adamantly]'' You were pretty focused on the fried rice.
:'''Booth''': Can we just order? Okay? 
:'''Brennan''': Fine.

=== ''The Woman in the Sand'' [2.8] ===

:'''Brennan''': Oh my god! I completely forgot you can't be here, Booth, you're a degenerate gambler.
:'''Booth''': Former gambler, okay? Not degenerate. I've been through the program, okay? And you know he's on the move!
:'''Brennan''': What if you get a sudden urge to gamble while you're here? It's like sending an alcoholic to a distillery. Do you need to sit down? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Hey, what do you think?
:'''Booth''': I have enough Bibles, thank you, but try next door.
:'''Brennan''': You said I could be a schoolteacher.
:'''Booth''': Not the spinster kind who lives with his sister but ya know - the hot one who makes the boys crazy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': That's hot.
:'''Angela''': Hot? Wait a minute, what's hot?
:'''Brennan''': Ah, nothing. Vegas. Vegas... is hot. It's... very hot here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': How does anybody actually walk in these things?
:'''Booth''': Well, you know. Them boots? They ain't made for walking, sweetheart. ''[slaps Brennan's butt]''
:'''Brennan''': Okay, that was completely over the top.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Oh, yeah! My man's in great shape. Believe me.
:'''Booth''': Easy there, honey.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': You've never fought? Never thrown a punch?
:'''Zach''': Never saw the logic of it.
:'''Hodgins''': It's not about logic, it's, it's emotional, it's anger!
:'''Zach''': I don't get angry, it's not rational.
:'''Hodgins''': What if you're sitting on the beach and someone kicks sand in your face?
:'''Zach''': I don't go to the beach.
:'''Hodgins''': Work with me, Zach. There must be something that would piss you off. What if I called you a scrawny twit who can't hold a normal conversation with a 10-year-old?
:'''Zach''': I don't have much in common with a 10-year-old, and although I don't know what a twit is, objectively, I am thin and do lack muscular definition.
:'''Hodgins''': Dude, you're a Vulcan, and a dull Vulcan at that.
:'''Zach''': Can we please work?
:'''Hodgins''': Now you're pissing me off! You're a freak, man. Anger is a part of being human. Grow a set!
:'''Zach''': I would really like to work, Hodgins.
:'''Hodgins''': You know, it is not enough to be some robotic second-rate grad student.
:'''Zach''': I am the most valuable and accomplished grad student who's ever been installed at the Jeffersonian.
:'''Hodgins''': And you're gonna be a grad student the rest of your life because you have no fire.
:'''Zach''': I am working on my dissertation.
:'''Hodgins''': Oh, please, you've been saying that for years. You're a poser. You don't have your doctorate because you have no drive, no passion for what you love.
:''[Zach punches Jack in his face]''
:'''Hodgins''': ''[smiles]'' Dude!
:'''Zach''': It's not what you think.
:'''Hodgins''': You got pissed!
:'''Zach''': No, striking you merely seemed to be the most practical way to get you to be quiet and focus on work&amp;mdash;but I didn't realize how much it would hurt.
:'''Hodgins''': Nice punch, though.
:'''Zach''': Thank you. And my dissertation will be finished by the end of the month.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': So what was the second reason?
:'''Brennan''': What?
:'''Boooth''': You never told me the second reason why you bet on me.
:'''Brennan''': Well, it's silly.
:'''Boooth''': No, try me.
:'''Brennan''': Beginners' luck. I haven't lost anything since I've been here. And I... I figured if I bet on you...
:'''Booth''': I couldn't lose.
:'''Brennan''': Sounds silly, right?
:'''Booth''': Sounds familiar. Thanks.
:'''Brennan''': You're welcome.

=== ''Aliens in a Spaceship'' [2.9] ===
:'''Vega''': You know what, dislike me as much as you want, but I'm still gonna help you, because I want this bastard caught. ''[Vega and Janine get up and leave.]''
:'''Brennan''': You were kind of mean to them.
:'''Booth''': Yeah. Thanks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': Aluminum.
:'''Brennan''': Aluminum?
:'''Hodgins''': The Brits say &quot;al-yu-mini-um&quot;, but it sounds, well, British.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Has it occurred to you that God is a lot like the Grave Digger?
:'''Booth''': ''[absently]'' What? ''[realizing what she's said]'' What?!
:'''Brennan''': He lays down the rules, no way to question Him or negotiate, then it's almost as though He doesn't care how it works out.  Either you do as He says, make some sacrifices and are delivered, or you don't and you end up in Hell.
:'''Booth''': You know, I'd really appreciate if you didn't say things like that, 'cause I really don't want to get struck by lightning. ''[He crosses himself.]''
:'''Brennan''': Do you go to church every Sunday?
:'''Booth''': Yes, I do.
:'''Brennan''': Can I come with you?
:'''Booth''': No, you can't.
:'''Brennan''': Why? Might help me understand!
:'''Booth''': I am not gonna help you disrespect God in His own house, okay? If you wanna do some kind of anthropological study, you know, turn on the Religious Channel.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': It was a mistake. The Grave Digger is not God, Bones, because God doesn't make mistakes.
:'''Angela''': Mmm, I don't know. Putting testicles on the outside didn't seem like such a great idea. ''[Booth nods.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': If you haven't figured out the stun gun, then I am this week's King of the Lab, 'cause I found something huge.
:'''Angela''': You compete to be King of the Lab?
:''[Hodgins notices her for the first time and becomes embarrassed.]''
:'''Hodgins''': ''[scoffs]'' No.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cam''': We'll go to a musical.
:'''Booth''': Talking and singing and talking and dancing and more singing? You know, if you want to stop what we're doing, just say so.
:'''Cam''': You can fantasize about pulling out your gun and shooting everyone on stage. You know you like that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zach''': Hodgins is rich. 
:'''Cam''': He is?
:'''Zach''': Rich to the power of ten times four, is how he describes it. 
:'''Angela''': You're going to pay the ransom, right?
:'''Booth''': Yes. FBI standard ops., they won't work. Grave Digger operates outside statistics.
:'''Cam''': They'll fire you.
:'''Booth''': Eh, that's cool. One less reason to wear a suit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Zack, I need you to be Dr. Brennan.
:'''Zack''': I don't know what that means.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': We have water, towels, my mini kit, ibuprofen, two cell phones with no batteries, a digital camera with a backup battery, and, uh... a handful of pens.
:'''Hodgins''': That one's a laser pointer.
:'''Brennan''': ''[smiles as she holds up a book]'' And a copy of my novel.
:'''Hodgins''': Hey, we can read to each other if we get bored.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': I'm nuts about Angela. Over the moon. Stupid in love with her. That's why I bought her that&amp;mdash;that crazy, expensive perfume. Man give you a bottle of perfume like that, it says&amp;mdash;it says &quot;I love you.&quot; There. I said it out loud.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': ''[to Hodgins, after performing makeshift surgery]'' Thank God I didn't kill you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Angela's perfume.
:'''Hodgins''': Three. Grand. That cost.
:'''Brennan''': Hodgins, I will split the cost when we get out of here.
:'''Hodgins''': There's something you don't know about me. I'm rich.
:'''Brennan''': Me too.
:'''Hodgins''': No. No. You're&amp;mdash;well off. My family owns The Cantilever Group and there's not many of us left alive. One, to be exact. Me.
:'''Brennan''': Okay. I won't split it with you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': This thing you found in my leg is anodized plastic film and coated metallic tape with dried-out adhesive. I think it's a bumper sticker. 
:'''Brennan''': You mean, like &quot;If you can read this, you're too close?&quot;
:'''Hodgins''': No. Like a prepaid toll road pass. Someone ran me down with a car!
:'''Brennan''': We knew that already.
:'''Hodgins''': Yeah, but now we've proved it and I find I'm really annoyed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Booth will find us.
:'''Hodgins''': You have a lot of faith in Booth.
:'''Brennan''': No. Faith is an irrational belief in something that is logically impossible. Over time, I've seen what Booth can do. It's not faith.
:'''Hodgins''': No offense&amp;mdash;and I'm not just saying this because you filleted me with a knife&amp;mdash;we are out of air. We don't know if our message got out, much less if anyone understood it, and we are buried underground. What you have is faith, baby. Sorry, the &quot;baby&quot; thing is a reflex.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': And if we're buried more than four feet deep?
:'''Brennan''': Then the concussion will turn our brains to jelly.
:'''Hodgins''': ''[smiling good-naturedly]'' Well, then we can run for Congress, so it's a win-win.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Ready?
:'''Hodgins''': Yeah. Dr. Brennan. It's been a privilege.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': I came to visit you at the hospital. I brought you this. ''[holds up a toy teddy bear]''
:'''Jack''': They... they let me go home.
:'''Angela''': No, they didn't. You left without being discharged. You stole crutches, which I had to pay for.
:'''Jack''': They packed me... pumped me full of antibiotics. Dished me up and gave me painkillers. So... so, I'm... I'm good to go.
:'''Angela''': Could you please look at me? You were buried alive. You were operated on without an anesthetic. You were pumped full of drugs. You really should be lying down.
:'''Jack''': He's out there, Angela. He buries people alive. I have to catch him. If I can figure out the exact alloy of aluminum, then maybe I could... maybe we could... plus the bit of bumper sticker that Brennan found in my leg...
:'''Angela''': We're gonna catch him. Okay? I promise you. We're gonna start tomorrow. All of us together.
:'''Jack''': I can't sleep, Angela.
:'''Angela''': I thought they gave you something for that.
:'''Jack''': No, I mean, I'm afraid that... if I close my eyes... when I open them... I'm gonna be back in that car... buried... running out of air...
:'''Angela''': Okay. Then you should come home with me.
:'''Jack''': What?
:'''Angela''': When you open your eyes, I'll be there.
:'''Jack''': Yeah?
:'''Angela''': Yeah.
:''[pause]''
:'''Jack''': You know, I'm good for that crutch money.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Sitting together in a church pew]''
:'''Brennan''': If I were going to pray, I would have done it just before we set off the explosion.
:'''Booth''': And you didn't?
:'''Brennan''': No. See, if there was a God, which there isn't&amp;mdash;
:'''Booth''': Shhh! Do you see where we are?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': I'm okay with you thanking God for saving me and Hodgins.
:'''Booth''': That's not what I thanked Him for. I thanked Him for saving... all of us. It was all of us. Every. Single. One. You take one of us away, and you and Hodgins are in that hole forever. And I'm thankful for that.
:'''Brennan''': ''[looking at him]'' I knew you wouldn't give up.
:'''Booth''': ''[looking at her]'' I knew you wouldn't give up.

=== ''The Headless Witch in the Woods'' [2.10] ===
:'''Booth''': Okay, cause of death?
:'''Brennan''': Well, since I can't find a skull, I'd say his head got cut off.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': Anyone else feeling tingly, or is it just me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zach''': My palms perspired profusely during that film.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': You're very touchy lately, Booth.
:'''Booth''': Look, Bones, I don't know why I didn't tell you about Cam.
:'''Brennan''': Did I mention Cam?
:'''Booth''': I just didn't want it to get weird, I guess.
:'''Brennan''': Weird?
:'''Booth''': We're partners, you know, together all the time, all right? You're a woman, and I'm a man. I never had a relationship like this, where we were like two guys, except you're not, you know, a guy.
:'''Brennan''': No. No, I'm not.  Should I feel odd about wanting to hang out with Will?
:'''Booth''': No, of course not. 'Cause... essentially, you're a guy, like me, but not really.
:'''Brennan''': That would mean that to me, you are essentially a woman.  [''Booth looks at her.''] Yeah, I can see that.
:'''Booth''': No, no, no, no, I'd prefer not to be a woman, if you don't mind.
:'''Brennan''': I'm merely trying to follow your reasoning, Booth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': I can read bones, not people.
:'''Booth''': Well, you had no trouble seeing through me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': It's a good thing I like being alone. 
:'''Booth''': You know what? Bones, you're not alone. Okay? Come here. 
:'''Brennan''': Booth...
:'''Booth''': Hey, you're my partner. It's a guy-hug. Take it.

=== ''Judas on a Pole'' [2.11] ===

:(Zack is just defending his thesis in front of Brennan and other board members when Booth walks in.)
:'''Booth''': Hey, Bones, come on. We've got a body. Went up like a Roman candle... hey, Zack! How's it going? 
:'''Zack''': So far, they don't like me.
:'''Booth''': Shocker.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': ''[to Booth, after he pulls her off to a case]'' Why do I always feel like you're abducting me? (playfully slaps him)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': ''[after Hodgins has informed him of the letter about Marvin Beckett]'' Okay, who else knows about this?
:'''Hodgins''': Us and you, that's it.
:'''Booth''': Let's keep it that way. 
:'''Hodgins''': I've seen this movie, I get killed on the way home.
:'''Booth''': Then don't go home.
:'''Hodgins''': ''[laughs, then stops abruptly]'' You serious?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': What? I wouldn't let anyone else call you a loser, Russ. What makes you think you're allowed?
:'''Russ''': I love you too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Are you worried about your doctorate?
:'''Zack''': No. I read a book on body language. Apparently, in our culture, when an older male lays an open hand on a younger male, it conveys approval. But if he bumps younger male with a closed fist, it conveys doubt. Dr. Grayson went like this...
:(Pats Brennan's shoulder with open hand 3 times)
:'''Zack''': Not like this...
:(Hits Brennan's shoulder with a fist 3 times)
:'''Zack''': Like this...
:(Pats Brennan's shoulder with open hand 3 times)
:'''Zack''': Not like this...
:(Hits Brennan's shoulder with a fist 3 times. Brennan looking annoyed)
:'''Brennan''': Dr. Grayson is elderly and arthritic. Perhaps he simply needed help getting to his feet like this...
:(Pushes down on Zack's shoulder 3 times)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zack''': I need a makeover.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Yeah, you're right. Thanks. I wish you wouldn't keep letting me hug you when I get scared.
:'''Booth''': Hey, I get scared and I'll hug you. We'll call it even.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': You know, I'm just... I'm just one of those people who doesn't get to be in a family. That's&amp;mdash; 
:'''Booth''': ''[places his finger underneath her chin, lifting her head up]'' Listen, Bones, hey. There's more than one kind of family.

=== ''The Man in the Cell'' [2.12] ===
:'''Angela''': ''[about the newspaper article, to Hodgins]'' Did you really call me &quot;the heart of the operation&quot;?
:'''Hodgins''': Yeah, that's before you called me short.
:'''Angela''': Hey, Zack called you short. I think you're just the right height.
:'''Hodgins''': Yeah? 
:'''Angela''': ''[nods]'' Short men have better leverage.
:'''Zack''': I'm feeling uncomfortable... 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Angela and Brennan in her office talking about Epps]''
:'''Angela''': How do you deal with the fear?
:'''Brennan''': I have this. ''[takes out huge gun from her purse]''
:'''Angela''': Oh my God! That thing is huge. Whoa, wow, that's like movie huge.
:''[Booth enters the office.]''
:'''Booth''': Where the hell did you get that?
:'''Brennan''': The mall. 
:'''Booth''': ''[incredulously]'' The mall?
:'''Brennan''': Yeah. It's pretty big, right? Bigger than the one you have. ''[Angela chuckles.]''
:'''Booth''': Excuse me, it's not the size that matters. It's how you use it.
:'''Brennan''': Well, I think size is pretty important.
:'''Booth''': The point is that you shouldn't have a gun in the first place.
:'''Angela''': If you do have one, bigger is always better.
:'''Booth''': You're not helping.
:'''Angela''': Right. Yeah. This does seem like a private conversation.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': You know, people see you with that, the next thing you know everyone in this place is gonna start packing.
:'''Brennan''':  This is America.  Get used to it.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''':  ''[whispering]'' What's that smell?
:'''Brennan''':  It's mold.  It grows in the fat creases of morbidly obese people.
:'''Mrs. Epps''':  What is this about?  Did you bring me here to make fun of me?
:'''Brennan''':  I merely stated a fact, Mrs. Epps.  You need to lose weight.  Obesity also causes diabetes, heart damage, liver failure.  Not to mention the wear it puts on your joints.
:'''Mrs. Epps''':  I have a glandular condition.  A little compassion and understanding, that's what I really need.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''':  Considering the relationship between you and Cam, I'd like to say the right thing, Booth... I don't know what it is.  Usually I'd&amp;mdash;I'd ask you or Angela.
:'''Booth''':  You just said it.  Thanks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': I can't find any traces of powder on Cam's clothing.
:'''Zack''': Did you search electrostatically?
:'''Hodgins''': Yes, are you sure it was a powder?
:'''Zack''': ''[insistently]'' Yes.
:'''Hodgins''': It had to be a gas.
:'''Zack''': If it were a gas I'd be in the hospital with Cam.
:'''Hodgins''': No particles on her clothing. ''[impatiently]'' Zack, it had to be a gas.
:'''Zack''': It wasn't... are we having an argument?
:'''Hodgins''': Of course.
:'''Zack''': Why?
:'''Hodgins''': Because Cam's dying, and I should be with Angela, and because there are no particles.
:'''Zack''': ...on the clothing. 
:'''Hodgins''': That's right.
:'''Zack''': What about the glass parts still left in the head?
:'''Hodgins''': ''[His face suddenly lights up.]'' I'm not angry with you anymore!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': ''[to Hodgins and Zack]'' I am walking out of here. You try and stop me again, I'll shoot both of you! ''[Booth walks out as Zack begins his search.]''
:'''Zack''': ''[nervously]'' Uuughh...
:'''Hodgins''': What?
:'''Zack''': I really need him to come back.
:'''Hodgins''': ''[yells]'' Booth! ''[to Zack]'' Whatever you got, better be worth dying for.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zack''':  My doctor said most of my injuries didn't come from the explosion but from being slammed into the floor.  ''[to Booth]'' Apparently, you're extremely strong.
:'''Brennan''':  ''[to Booth]''  Did you have to be so rough on him?
:'''Booth''':  It was a bomb.  I was being, you know, heroic.

=== ''The Girl in the Gator'' [2.13] ===
:'''Booth''': I can't hear a thing!
:'''Ice cream man''': The kids love the music!
:'''Brennan''': Well, I don't see any kids.
:'''Ice cream man''': The music attracts them!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Look, I can't hear anything because of this insane music! [fires three shots into Ice Cream Clown]
:'''Ice cream man''': YOU SHOT MY CLOWN!
:'''Booth''': [into phone] Okay. Flight number? ...Thanks. [to Brennan] Okay! We're all set.
:'''Brennan''': That was ''not good''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': &quot;Step away, please?&quot; Just because you have your doctorate now doesn't mean I won't use you as a swizzle stick.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Nah, it was an ice cream truck.
:'''Dr. Wyatt''': You have a good reason for firing on it?
:'''Booth''': Yeah, the music was bothering me.
:'''Dr. Wyatt''': Ah.
:'''Dr. Wyatt''': So the FBI sent you to me because you shot a clown?
:'''Booth''': Not a real clown!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Wyatt''': You are fit for physical labor, aren't you? I mean, the clown didn't return fire, did it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Abby''': I thought maybe she'd hooked up.
:'''Brennan''': Hooked up? Hooked... up? Oh... with, uh, anyone in particular?
:'''Abby''': We met so many guys. You know how it is.
:'''Sully''': I'm guessing she doesn't.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': I clicked on a pop-up and got caught in a pornado.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': You know, anthropologically speaking, you follow a very ancient tradition.
:'''Monte''': Okay... entrepreneur?
:'''Brennan''': Pimp.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Monte''': Man, you have to spend all day with her?
:'''Sully''': Yeah, an actual woman. You should try it sometime.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Well, he jumped over that balcony because of her. ''[chuckles]'' Y'know, sometimes I think he had the right idea.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Keep your eyes open for a metal screw-threaded thingy.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Wyatt''': But shooting a clown is not a quiet rebellion. Shooting a clown is, quite literally, deafening.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Hey, Doc, why is it that every time I answer the phone, you walk away?
:'''Dr. Wyatt''': Why do you answer the phone knowing it'll make me walk away?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sully''': The judgment thing, it's a line from Shawshank. 
:'''Brennan''': Who's that? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sullivan''': And since we have no professional obligations to each other, I can ask you out? Theoretically.
:'''Brennan''': Theoretically. 
:'''Sullivan''': Perhaps after a twenty-four hour waiting period. 
:'''Brennan''': Why? 
:'''Sullivan''': So the brain can adjust to alternate perceptions of each other. 
:'''Brennan''': I actually don't need it. My brain adjusts quite quickly.

=== ''The Man in the Mansion'' [2.14] ===
:'''Brennan''': Why do you call your psychiatrist &quot;Gordon Gordon?&quot;
:'''Booth''': 'Cause that's how he introduces himself. You know, &quot;Hi, I'm Gordon. Gordon Wyatt.&quot;
:'''Brennan''': Like &quot;James, James Bond.&quot;
:'''Booth''': &quot;Bond, James Bond,&quot; not &quot;James, James... James&quot; ... whatever. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': No, Brennan! For once can you just pretend that you're the girl?
:'''Brennan''': Why is everyone so anxious for me to be a girl?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cam''': Spell it out, bone boy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Wyatt''': Why don't we talk about the case you're working on at the moment?
:'''Booth''': Why?
:'''Dr. Wyatt''': Well, I am trained as a forensic psychologist.  I might be able to help.
:'''Booth''': Okay, fine, great.  I have a dead rich guy, works with at-risk youth, gets brutally murdered after confiscating a couple pounds of heroin from one of his kids.
:'''Dr. Wyatt''': Interesting that the first word you used to describe him is &quot;rich.&quot;
:'''Booth''': Ah, second.  The first description was dead.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Hodgins''': It's my letter of resignation.
:'''Brennan''': Your science was dead-on perfect. That's all I care about. I don't need your resignation. ''[He hands the letter to Cam, who accepts it.]''
:'''Brennan''': He didn't actually tamper with evidence! 
:'''Cam''': Dr. Hodgins endangered a case by hiding his relationship with a suspect. 
:'''Hodgins''': I'm saving Dr. Saroyan the trouble of firing me. 
:'''Brennan''': Well, how much trouble is it? &quot;You're fired.&quot;  That's no trouble at all! I mean, a child could do it.

=== ''The Bodies in the Book'' [2.15] ===
:'''Cam''': Only 5 days? This is an extreme rate of decomp. 
:'''Hodgins''': Blue Crab season. They'll feed on anything, dead or alive. Vegetation, fish, flesh. 
:'''Cam''': Ugh. Opportunistic little bastards.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sully''': Well, two hands are better than one, Booth.
:'''Booth''': Well, last time I checked, I had two hands. See?
:'''Angela''': Testosterone spill on Aisle 4.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': So, for kicks you read...
:'''Cam''': Feminist trash. You know. Woman finds her power, leaves her oppressive husband, discovers freedom and fulfillment with an artist who knows how to cry and make love like an animal.
:'''Hodgins''': So, sex books.
:'''Cam''': Pretty much, yeah.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sully''': When you can't stop thinking about someone when they're not around, that's not a fling. When you remember their touch just like they were still next to you? That's not a fling. If you need to be alone with this, fine...but we both know what we have.

=== ''The Boneless Bride in the River'' [2.16] ===

:'''Booth:''' Don't knock therapy, okay? Dr. Wyatt has helped me realize there are certain pressures that build up on the job, and I need creative ways&amp;mdash;
:'''Brennan:''' ''[interjecting]'' We do everything together.
:'''Booth:''' &amp;mdash;of dealing with them.
:'''Brennan:''' What exactly do you have to contend with on the job that I don't?
:'''Booth:''' You, Bones. You don't have to contend with you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Okay, I want the whole kip and canoodle transported to the Jeffersonian. 
:'''Booth''': Kit and caboodle. 
:'''Brennan''': Whatever. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Angela''': Oh. All right. Leaving the third circle of Hell. But before I go, I think she's Asian. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan:''' No bones, no Bones... I was the second &quot;bones.&quot;
:'''Cam:''' Oh, very witty.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': I don't need to speak Chinese to get that. She don't think Bones is good for you. 
:'''Brennan''': You just made that up! 
:'''Prof. Chen.''': Ah, nailed it on the head. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cam''': So what? You got a part of the groom instead of the bride?
:'''Booth''': Bones stole it! 
:'''Brennan''': Uh, not stole, swapped. 
:'''Booth''': From an old Chinese lady's mantle. 
:'''Brennan''': I brought a bunch of chimpanzee bones and pulled the old ah, switchamacallit. 
:'''Booth''': Switcheroo.
:'''Cam''': Whatchamacallit. 
:'''Booth''': Two different things. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Brennan''': I want you to tell me what to do. 
:'''Angela''': About what? 
:'''Brennan''': Sully wants me to run off with him. 
:'''Angela''': Go. 
:'''Brennan''': For a year. 
:'''Angela''': Go. 
:'''Brennan''': He wants to run a charter boat around the Caribbean. 
:'''Angela''': Go. 
:'''Brennan''': He says I should take a sabbatical. 
:'''Angela''': Go. What is the downside? He's a great guy. This is a great idea. 
:'''Brennan''': I'll miss you guys. 
:'''Angela''': Oh, we'll meet you in Barbados. Look. You have been working every day since I met you. It's time to let another part of yourself out into the sun. With a bare-chested man and a tropical breeze. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zack''': Positive ID on both sets of remains.  William Chang and Li-Ling Fan.  
:'''Angela''': [''looking at both skeletons and their pictures''] Wow, they kind of go together.
:'''Cam''': Because they're deceased?
:'''Angela''':  Yeah, but more than that, they are exactly the same level of hotness.
:'''Cam''': Which is zero, because they're skeletons.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': She was ill and he was ill, it's really too bad they never ''actually'' met.
:'''Cam''': [''to Zack''] The mortician's lawyer advised him to clam up, the Changs now say that the twenty-five thousand dollars was used to pay off a family debt.
:'''Angela''': Ever think that their spirits actually did meet, and they're working to get their bones together here, in the physical plane?
:'''Cam''': You mean like we're &quot;possessed&quot; into doing their bidding?
:'''Angela''': ''[sighs]'' You know what you people lack?  Whimsy.  It's a genuine handicap.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': ''[talking about the two skeletons]'' I am going to draw them a wedding picture.
:'''Cam''': ''Okay''.  Well, you do that. ''[turns to Zack]'' We should find out who poisoned the victim and arrest him for murder.
:'''Zack''': Probably the bouncing, flying mail-order husband. ''[turns to Angela]''  Does that count as whimsy?
:'''Angela''': Well, you're handicapped, Zack.  Someone really needs to throw a telethon for you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': What are you doing here? 
:'''Booth''': I'm waving goodbye. See? 
:'''Brennan''': What do you want?
:'''Booth''': Breakfast. 
:'''Brennan''': I'm not hungry.
:'''Booth''': Oh, come on, huh? What are ya gonna vomit up when we come across one of those, uh, horrific cases?
:'''Brennan''': I don't vomit. 
:'''Booth''': Give it time, okay? Give it time. Everything happens eventually.

=== ''The Priest in the Churchyard'' [2.17] ===
:'''Zach''': I'm Dr. Addy. Are you one of those priests who smack schoolchildren with rulers?
:'''Father Donlan:''' ''[icily]'' That's not allowed anymore.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': I'm not working a whole case with you attacking my beliefs. You should have just saddled up with your boyfriend. 
:'''Brennan''': Your beliefs are of an invisible man who wants to run my personal life. 
:'''Zack''': Death would have followed quickly caused by cranial cerebral trauma. 
:'''Booth''': By the way, 90% of the world believes in God! 
:'''Brennan''': And at one time, most people were certain that the sun revolved around the earth. 
:'''Booth''': ''[to Zack]'' You see, I don't think this is about religion at all. ''[to Brennan]'' We obviously have issues that are affecting our working relationship, and you're afraid to deal with them, so you just lash out at my religion! 
:'''Brennan''': Can't you just be satisfied that if I'm wrong about God that I'll burn in Hell? 
:'''Booth''': Ooh, that's tempting.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': We're definitely not working well together. 
:'''Brennan''': Because you are bossy and judgmental. 
:'''Booth''': Problems between people, it's never just one person's fault. 
:'''Brennan''': What about Hitler? He did pretty well on his own. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan:''' ''[to Lorraine]'' Do we take this, or do we need to serve a warrant on God?
:'''Booth:''' ''[grabs the chalice]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Wyatt''': You're both afraid that the reason Dr. Brennan didn't sail off into the sunset with her boyfriend Sully might have been her ties to Agent Booth. ''[pause]'' You're ''both'' quite wrong. 
:'''Brennan''': ''[to Wyatt]'' Why didn't I go with Sully? 
:'''Booth''': How is he supposed to know? 
:'''Brennan''': ''[to Booth''] Sully is perfect. We communicated well. The sex was incredible. He invited me to sail around the South Seas in a beautiful yacht for a year. I mean, why would anyone turn that down? 
:'''Dr. Wyatt''': In my opinion, you are unable to lead a purposeless life at this stage in your psycho-social development. Which, by the way, is an issue you should address, because a certain amount of purposelessness is necessary to lead a full life. 
:'''Brennan''': I hate psychology. 
:'''Booth''': You don't like it because he's saying that all this tension between me and you is ''your'' fault. 
:'''Dr. Wyatt''': ''[to Booth]'' Mmm, on the contrary, if anything ''your'' issues are more pronounced. Given that your behavior has been affected by what turns out to be a quite irrational fear of being responsible for someone else's destiny. 
:'''Brennan''': That makes sense.
:'''Booth''': Oh, now you like psychology.
:'''Dr. Wyatt''': I think you'll both be able to work together just fine, now that your minds have been set at ease.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cam''': ''[after testing Father Matt for poison]'' The good news is we know how to make you feel a lot better. 
:'''Hodgins''': Bad news is someone is trying to kill you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan:''' ''[trying to get Angela examined by Dr. Wyatt]'' Dr. Wyatt, we need you to do it with her.
:'''Dr. Wyatt:''' ''[stammering]'' Well... I could, but unfortunately, my heart belongs to another. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Wyatt''': ''[after Angela tells him he was wrong about Booth and Brennan's issue]'' I stand by my diagnosis. 
:'''Angela''': You stand by the FBI. Your first priority is to get Agents back in the field solving murders. ''[Wyatt chuckles]''
:'''Dr. Wyatt''': Your romanticism is endearing, but as the bard says, &quot;Lovers and madmen have such seething brains such shaping fantasies that apprehend more than cool reason could comprehend.&quot; 
:'''Angela''': He also says &quot;Journeys end in lovers meeting every wise man's son doth know.&quot;

=== ''The Killer in the Concrete'' [2.18] ===
:'''Cop''': And when we dug up the cement&amp;mdash; 
:'''Brennan''': No, that's concrete. Cement is an ingredient in concrete.
:'''Booth''': Yeah, that's a real important distinction to make at this juncture.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': Waffle-soled shoes and a track suit.
:'''Cam''': You know who wears track suits?
:'''Zack''': Athletes?
:'''Cam''': No, huge tubs of lard or retired people.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': ''[to Cam]'' Tell Booth that Ice Pick's femur is sliced cleanly at 90 degrees. 
:'''Booth''': I can hear you, Bones, okay? It's a speaker phone. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Have you turned Russ into a criminal, too?
:'''Max Keenan''': Hey, I haven't committed a crime in over fifteen years. I'm straight.
:'''Brennan''': Except for killing, gutting and burning the Deputy Director of the FBI.
:'''Max Keenan''': He was trying to kill Russ, and then he was going after you. It is not a crime to protect your family.
:'''Brennan''': Well, some fathers do it without killing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cam''': Okay, time to step out of your comfort zones, people.
:'''Hodgins''': What comfort zone?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tim''': You're welcome. Your dad's psycho, by the way. 
:'''Brennan''': You have no idea. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zack''': This is one of those times when I have no idea what's happening.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': I can't fight or shoot a gun, but if something bad happens I can spit with deadly accuracy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': What can't you tell me?
:'''Brennan''': By definition, I can't tell you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': All right, you're after a crazy old ice-pick hit man who has Booth. You need help. Look at my face. Do you ''really'' see me backing down?
:'''Brennan''': I&amp;mdash;I already have help, Ange.
:'''Angela''': From whom?
:'''Brennan''': From someone worse than Kennedy.
:'''Angela''': Are you serious?
:'''Brennan''': Don't say it!
:'''Angela''': Your father is helping you?
:'''Brennan''': I have to go.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Booth is being held by Melvin Gallagher.
:'''Cam''': That's a leap. How do you know?
:'''Brennan''': Can we just go with this, please?
:'''Cam''': Of course not.
:'''Angela''': Obviously, Brennan found out from her father, who is a wanted fugitive.
:'''Brennan''': Ange!
:'''Cam''': Now that I can go with.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': Has anybody noticed that every time there is a panic situation, all eyes turn to Hodgins?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': ''[to the phone]'' Yes. This is Dr. Brennan at the Jeffersonian. I just received a call from Agent Booth that he's being held at ''[motions to Angela for some papers]'' the Purdue Airfield in Oakville, Virginia. Send back up. I'm going in. ''[hangs up the receiver]''
:'''Angela''': You just lied your ass off to the Federal Bureau of Investigation. ''[Brennan ignores the comment and leaves.]''
:'''Hodgins''': That is so hot.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Max Keenan''': ''[to Bones]'' I need your car.
:'''Booth''': ''[lying on the ground, still immobilized]'' Max Kennan, you're under arrest.
:'''Max Keenan''': Not if I get the keys.
:'''Brennan''': They're in the ignition. ''[Max kisses Brennan on the forehead and leaves.]''
:'''Brennan''': What? It's not like I actually ''gave'' him the keys.

=== ''Spaceman in a Crater'' [2.19] ===
:'''Hodgins''': This guy's wearing loafers. Aliens don't wear loafers.
:'''Cam''': Even if they want to pass unnoticed amongst us?
:'''Booth''': Before taking over?
:'''Hodgins''': This is harassment. You know, it's illegal to mock people for their fundamental beliefs. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cam''': Why do you know that?
:'''Zack''': My knowledge is vast.
:'''Cam''': Why did I ask?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': The telescope is pointed up at the planet Pluto.
:'''Hodgins''': Pluto's no longer a planet. It was demoted.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Did you ever get drunk together?
:'''James''': What? 
:'''Booth''': What my partner is trying to ask is if you two were buddies. Did you go out and have drinks and exchange confidences?
:'''Brennan''': Yes, that's what I asked. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Hey Bones. I ran a check on STC, okay.  They're part of the 'Tinfoil Hat Squad'.
:'''Brennan''': What's that?
:'''Booth''': They wear tin little hats, probably to check aliens from controlling their minds.
:'''Brennan''': Oh, schizophrenics?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Maybe it wasn't a U.F.O. that Cal saw. 
:'''Booth''': Ah. 
:'''Brennan''': He could've seen something else. 
:'''Booth''': Yeah, like a death beam or a space baby. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': Hey, do you aliens use any weapons resembling a... 
:'''Zack''': A broadsword? 
:'''Hodgins''': How about a light saber? 
:'''Zack''': No. Those can cut through any known substance. The victim would've been completely dismembered. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Because the warrant includes anything that is in plain sight. 
:'''Brennan''': &quot;Plane&quot; sight. Get it. It's a pun. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': I guess right now it looks to me like marriage is having someone who will slap your enemies and then toss their dead bodies out of airplanes.

=== ''The Glowing Bones in the Old Stone House'' [2.20] ===
:'''Brennan''': I believe that dopamine and norepinephrine simulate euphoria because of certain biological triggers like scent, symmetrical features...
:'''Booth''': Symmetrical features.
:'''Brennan''': Yes, it's an indication of a good breeder. You appear to be a very good breeder.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': It's not like we get a human light bulb in here every day.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Okay, squint squad, why's she glowing like a glow stick?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': I am not a party trick!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cam''': Re-hydrates dried tissues and stops static cling.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': I'd back down if I were you. He shot a clown once.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': I don't understand.  Why wasn't Abby killed too?
:'''Cam''': ''[inspecting the murder scene]'' Funny, but I haven't found a written confession yet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': Whoa, wait a minute.
:'''Cam''': What is it?
:'''Hodgins''': Ah-ha, unidentified particulates.  The two sweetest words I know.
:'''Cam''': I don't even want to think about your pillow talk with Angela.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': You really think her husband killed her?  I mean, it would make sense he'd spare Abby.
:'''Brennan''': I don't think I'm the person to ask about psychology of relationships.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': It's just... If a relationship seems more than casual, I feel that I need to point out the potential problems. Probabilities of success and failure, or...
:'''Angela''': You get scared. 
:'''Brennan''': ''[nodding]'' But I miss so much, don't I?
:'''Angela''': I want to say no, but... yeah. You do. And so does whoever you're keeping yourself from. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': No more.  I'm done.
:'''Booth''': You're done with Angela?
:'''Hodgins''': ''[definitively]'' No.  But, hey, I fell in love with a free spirit, and if getting married makes her feel trapped or something, then I'm, I'm just gonna have to deal with it.  
:'''Booth''': Right.  So, you don't want to get married anymore.
:'''Hodgins''': Sure I do.
:'''Booth''': You know, this whole ceramic stuff is making more sense to me.
:'''Hodgins''': But Angela doesn't.  And I don't want to drive her away like you did with Rebecca.
:'''Booth''': Whoa, I did not drive Rebecca away.  We both agreed that it wasn't right.
:'''Hodgins''': After you asked and she said no.
:'''Booth''': Well, when you say it like that, it's&amp;mdash;
:'''Hodgins''': But if it had been right, it wouldn't matter if you were married or not, would it, because you'd have a life together.  
:'''Booth''': Great, then why not get married?
:'''Hodgins''': Because then we wouldn't be able to ''be'' together, see? This is all becoming so clear now!
:'''Booth''': ''[laughs]'' Not really.
:'''Hodgins''': You put on that macho front, but inside you understand!
:'''Booth''': I don't understand.  
:'''Hodgins''': That which the mind can't grasp...
:'''Booth''': All right, you know, I'm just trying to catch a murderer, but you seem to have gone way past that.
:'''Hodgins''': Means a lot, knowing that you get it, man.  Most guys, not secure enough to admit that.  
:'''Booth''':  I have a headache. ''[His phone rings; he answers.]'' Booth.  Yeah, I'm on my way.  Abby just ''[Hodgins hugs Booth.]'' woke up.  I need you to figure out what that stuff is.  Okay. ''[Hodgins lets go.]''  It's so much easier just to fight and shoot guns. Bones, she's awake, we're going!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Talk to me, squints, as close to English as possible.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': Look, I'm Abby. ''[gesturing to Zack]'' You're Carly.
:'''Zack''': Why am I always the murder victim?
:'''Hodgins''': Sit. 
:'''Brennan''': ''[chuckling]'' Zack's always the murder victim.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': What you said here... that we're enough... just this, no pressure for more... (Angela's voice breaks) that's all that I ever wanted.

=== ''Stargazer in a Puddle'' [2.21] ===
:'''Brennan''': &quot;I would like to marry you.&quot;
:'''Booth:''' Kind of sudden, Bones. Let me think about that.
:'''Brennan:''' No, Booth. That's what Angela ''[Booth starts to laugh]'' told Hodgins. Are you joking?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zack''': Your estimate was correct. This hole is consistent with a 22-caliber slug. I learned ''slug'' from Cam; it's a colloquialism for ''projectile.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': But this time, art made science her bitch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': Hey, Brennan, I'd like to ask you a favor. Well, it's not so much &quot;ask a favor&quot; as&amp;mdash;as, as extend an honor. I mean, I hope you see it as an honor, and you don't think of it as some onerous duty, which I don't think you will, but then again I've never done this before, and of course&amp;mdash;
:'''Brennan''': Angela, just ask.
:'''Angela''': Will you be my maid of honor? (Brennan's face changes and she looks close to tears) At the wedding? (Brennan hugs her) Is that yes?
:'''Brennan''': I'm completely, totally honored.
:'''Angela''': Really? I thought I'd have to tell you what a maid of honor&amp;mdash;
:'''Brennan''': I don't even care how awful the bridesmaids' dresses are. ''[hugs her again]'' I'm so glad you asked me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': ''[on the phone with Hodgins]'' You know, you didn't give me much time to put a bachelor party together.
:'''Hodgins''': No bachelor party.
:'''Brennan''': Is that Hodgins?
:'''Booth''': Yeah, he wants me to be his best man. ''[to Hodgins]'' Well, if there's no bachelor party, what do you want me to do?
:'''Hodgins''': Stand there, make a toast, hand over the ring, tongue-kiss the maid of honor at the reception when people clink glasses.
:'''Booth''': Nice, excellent, okay. Who's the maid of honor?
:'''Hodgins''': No idea, but most of Angela's friends are really hot.
:'''Brennan''': I'm the maid of honor. Why?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': Release the hounds.
:'''Zack''': What?	
:'''Hodgins''': ''[annoyed]'' Pour in the Sea Chimps.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Am I terrible for not wanting to care about my father?
:'''Booth''': Look, Bones, if your father is going to do something tomorrow that's going to hurt you... how do you forgive that?
:'''Brennan''': I'm not a bad daughter? Bad person?
:'''Booth''': You're not a bad anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': Those Sea Chimps went after that pork by-product like piranhas after a skinny-dipping missionary. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ruth Keenan''': Hi Temperance, it's Mom. I don't know when or if you'll ever see this, but I hope to put it in your hands myself and see you again, with my own eyes. This is a hard, hard world. Your father and I left you and Russ to save your lives. People would have killed you to get us. That's not what this is about. Today is your sixteenth birthday. I'm so sorry not to be there to tell you all the things a mother should tell her daughter when she turns sixteen and sorry not to give you this (holds up the ring Brennan's father gave her). It's an heirloom. And starting today, it's yours. I don't know how long it will take me to get it to you, but I promise you I will. You're going to hear a lot of things about your parents, especially your father. He is a good man. It was my insistence to leave you kids. Max would have kept us together, fought until the end, I'm not sure he'll ever forgive me for that. So please Temperance, I need you to forgive me and if you can't forgive me, I beg you honey, if you can't forgive me please forgive your father. Remember you were loved in this world, cherished. What I did to you may have been wrong, but I did it out of love, I did it out of love.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': ''[whistles]'' Wow, you look great.
:'''Brennan''': ''[confused]'' You said I looked good before.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': (Whispers) Bones?
:'''Brennan''': (Annoyed) What?
:'''Booth''': He could have gotten away.
:'''Brennan''': What?
:'''Booth''': We go into a fight and your dad could have escaped capture. 
:'''Brennan''': So he beat you in a fight?
:'''Booth''': No, no, I didn't say that.
:'''Brennan''': What, so you beat him but you gave him a chance to escape?
:'''Booth''': (Walking towards her) No, I didn't say that.
:'''Brennan''': Well, I don't see any other alternative.
:'''Booth''': No, he didn't run away, because he felt if he abandoned you, he would have lost you forever. Just thought you should know. (Brennan hugs him and Booth smiles)
:'''Brennan''': Thanks, Booth.

== Season 3 ==

=== ''The Widow's Son in the Windshield'' [3.1] ===

:'''Clark Edison''': ''[interviewing to be Brennan's new assistant]''  Did I get it right?
:'''Cam''': Yes.  Construction worker, foundation collapse.
:'''Clark''': But I'm not impressing her.
:'''Cam''': I'm still not completely certain what Dr. Brennan thinks of me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': So it's been, what, three months since Zack shipped off to Iraq?
:'''Brennan''': Uh-huh.
:'''Booth''': How hard could it be to replace ''him''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': How did this skull get here?
:'''Booth''': Ask our eyewitness.  ''[runs off to get a teenage boy]''  Let's go, buddy.  ''[brings the boy over to Brennan]''
:'''Boy''': I am not high.
:'''Brennan''': Neither am I. Why is he telling me that?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boy''': I was driving behind a dump truck, and ''that'' came flying off the back.
:'''Brennan''': Do you think the rest of the skeleton is still in the truck?
:'''Boy''': No.
:'''Brennan''': Why?
:'''Boy''': It didn't come flying ''out'', if came flying ''off''.  It bounced.
:'''Booth''': Oh, a bouncing skull.
:'''Brennan''': Or perhaps you thought that because you were under the influence of tetrahydrocannabinol.
:'''Boy''': What?
:'''Booth''': Weed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Why would anyone throw a skull off an overpass?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Private Investigator''': So your husband signed his name to the marriage license with an X?
:'''Angela''': Yeah.
:'''Private Investigator''': So you married a guy without knowing his name.
:'''Angela''': It was Fiji, okay? I was on vacation.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Private Investigator''': Right.  Well, I'm just gonna need any description that you can provide of your husband... details, dates, photographs, who else was there...
:'''Angela''': Tall, I guess.  Muscular.  Black.  That's all I've got.  You know what, I think his name had a B in it.  Actually, it could have been a K.  You know what, I could make you a sketch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': The scraping is uniform in spacing but not depth, which suggests an ungual pattern. 
:'''Booth''': What's an uncle pattern?
:'''Brennan''': No, ungual. Guh. Guh. Un''gual''. ''[to Cam]'' How do you say this in a way that makes sense to Booth?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': You are not gonna hire that one either.
:'''Brennan''': I haven't made up my mind yet.
:'''Angela''': And when you don't hire him, it just prolongs this lame excuse for you not to go out into the field with Booth.
:'''Brennan''': Why would I do that?
:'''Angela''':  Because, when Hodgins and I ran away from our wedding, we left you and Booth standing at the altar.  And that iconic image totally freaked you out.
:'''Brennan''': No, it didn't.
:'''Angela''': Sweetie, this is not one of those things where you try to keep a secret and I ferret out the truth.  This is where I tell you something that's true, so you can catch up to your own reality.
:'''Brennan''': Ange, I have no idea what you're talking about.
:'''Angela''': ''[nods]'' Which actually proves my point.  ''[hugs Brennan]'' I really love you to bits and pieces, sweetie.  I know, you love me back.  We'll talk again, when you catch up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': I mean, how hard can it be to replace one weirdo squint?
:'''Cam''': I'd hire Clark, but it's not my call.
:'''Booth''': No, no, it is!  I mean, you've given Bones enough time, just hire the guy!
:'''Cam''': Usually when you get all blustery, it's 'cause you think something's your fault.
:'''Booth''': Yeah, well, you know, I did arrest her father for murder. She could be having trouble with that.
:'''Cam''': Exposing a parent to the death penalty can have a chilling effect on a partnership.
:'''Booth''': Well, look, I asked Bones if that was a problem. She said no.
:'''Cam''': Well, I gotta wonder if deep down ''anybody'' is that rational.
:'''Booth''': You're not reassuring here, Camille.
:'''Cam''': If you're looking for reassurance, find someone who's not such a good friend, Seeley.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': A prodigy violinist disappears and a month later his skull ends up bouncing off a garbage truck?
:'''Cam''': Obviously, we are looking for someone who really really hates classical music.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': A cannibalistic violin thief who eats faces?
:'''Booth''': Yeah, it's a stretch.  But, uh, see how this is?  Us working together, very symbiotic.
:'''Brennan''': You said that already.  What is it, the word of the day?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': He was barely shaving then. What is she doing, playing squeeze and squish with a nineteen-year-old?
:'''Booth''': &quot;Squeeze and squish?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': There's only one place that uses the pink rock in its foundations. It's an old deserted bank on the Anacostia River. 
:'''Cam''': Bingo baby. 
:'''Brennan''': Why bingo baby?
:'''Booth''': I checked into the ownership of the place. 
:'''Brennan''': Why bingo baby?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Why are your eyes closed? 
:'''Booth''': I thought that we were going to get blown up.
:'''Brennan''': It's just a transmitter. 
:'''Booth''': Oh, now whoever owns this place knows we're here. 
:'''Brennan''': I'm curious. In an explosion, how would shutting your eyes help?
:'''Booth''': Huh? It just does. Okay, Bones? It just does. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Bones, I mean, you see that is going on here, right?
:'''Brennan''': What are you talking about? 
:'''Booth''': You&amp;mdash;you're getting all of them to help you now. 
:'''Angela''': Booth, the vault is filled with priceless artifacts.  
:'''Cam''': And probably material stolen from other victims. 
:'''Hodgins''': It's going to take months to sift through all that evidence. 
:'''Booth''': No, this is enabling. You're enabling someone with a mental problem. 
:'''Brennan''': Zack!
:'''Booth''': No, you! You! Bones! You're the one with the mental problem. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': You know, you weren't upset because Zack was gone. 
:'''Brennan''': Yes, I was! 
:'''Booth''': Okay, yeah, but you were more upset over the fact that I didn't stop him from going in the first place. I mean, look, I could've said to him, &quot;Zack, Iraq is no place for a guy like you.&quot;
:'''Brennan''': And he'd never have left. You could have stopped him. Why didn't you do that?
:'''Booth''': Whatever Zack's deal is, okay, his weirdness, whatever you want to call it... 
:'''Brennan''': I call it &quot;genius.&quot;
:'''Booth''': He's a... man. He's a, uhm, he's a strange man, but he's a man who wanted to serve a larger purpose. 
:'''Brennan''': This is some alpha male rite of passage?
:'''Booth''': No.
:'''Brennan''': You mean, go to war? 
:'''Booth''': Wrong. No. Zack needed to leave the nest. The same way you did when you wanted to leave the lab and see the world for the first time. And I helped you do that. How could I stop Zack from doing the exact same thing in his own way?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Booth''': 'Cause you have to slow down, right. Take a breath. You have to realize that this is not a sprint, it's gonna be a marathon. Marathon, Bones, coming from the Greek meaning &quot;really, really, really long run.&quot;
:'''Brennan''': That's not how the word &quot;marathon&quot; originated. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Look, there's something else I gotta know, and it's important. We solid? 
:'''Brennan''': You and me? Yeah!
:'''Booth''': No, not just you and me, squints too. Zack is back for good. Angela and Hodgins have their head back in the game. Cam, she's locked in. 
:'''Brennan''': Why are you asking me this?
:'''Booth''': Because. You and me, we're the center. 
:'''Brennan''': And the center must hold. 
:'''Booth''': Right. So, are we gonna hold? 
:'''Brennan''': Yeah. We'll hold. We're the center.

=== ''Soccer Mom in the Mini-Van'' [3.2] ===
:'''Booth''': Look, Bones, all I'm saying is Caroline went to a lot of trouble to get you private visitation with your father, and now you don't want it. 
:'''Brennan''': The Federal Detention Facility already has visiting areas. 
:'''Booth''': Yeah, behind two inches of glass. Now you'll be able to give your old man, you know, a hug. 
:'''Brennan''': I didn't ask for special treatment. 
:'''Booth''': That's because you don't have to, because you ''are'' special!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cam''': How close are we to identifying the victim?
:'''Angela''': Well, this is the skull. ''[indicates how broken the skull is]'' I'm good, but I'm not that good.
:'''Brennan''': Perhaps you can use these. ''[sarcastically]'' There's a portion of tongue, hair and brain matter.
:'''Angela''': Okay, if anyone needs me, I'm gonna go throw up. Then do some paper work.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': ''[introducing herself to Agent Frost]'' Angela Montenegro. I do facial reconstructions ''[nods towards Hodgins]'' and him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Max Brennan''': I always liked Booth. Nicest guy to ever arrest me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cam''': Hitting the top of the shoulder wouldn't be a severe injury.
:'''Zack''': She could bandage herself and still be ambulatory.
:'''Cam''': You know, you could say &quot;walk around&quot; instead.  I wouldn't fire you.
:'''Zack''': &quot;Walk around&quot; implies aimlessness, which I'm not able to determine.
:'''Cam''': Can't believe I still ask these things.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sam''': ''[to Booth]'' If she were a guy, I'd deck her!
:'''Brennan''': Actually, that distinction is no longer necessary, but I wouldn't recommend it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sam''': ''[to Booth]'' She must be really good in bed, otherwise I don't see why you'd keep her around.
:'''Brennan''': Yes, I am. But Booth would have no direct knowledge of that fact.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': ''[drunk]'' God, you know, I love this place. I love it. I love this country. You know, I tell ya something. If I was working law enforcement back in the day when they threw all that tea, all right, in the harbor &amp;mdash;I'm good, all right, I'm&amp;mdash;I'm good. I would have rounded everybody up and we'd still be English.
:'''Brennan''': Ya think?
:'''Booth''': Yup. Yup. Definitely. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': As an anthropologist I accept change as the natural order of things but with him I didn't allow for transformation. I predicated his behavior based on a set of outmoded preconceptions. It wasn't rational.
:'''Booth''': ''[drunk]'' Wow, I didn't get any of that.

=== ''The Death in the Saddle'' [3.3] ===

:'''Booth''': Eyes full of maggots, and all you see is the boo-boo on the forehead. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cam''': Well, tissue damage indicates some kind of blade. 
:'''Brennan''': So does bone damage. 
:'''Cam''': Dr. Brennan, you aren't... being competitive between flesh and bone, are you?
:'''Brennan''': It's possible. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cam''': Guys? Contents of the victim's stomach are corn...raw oats, and dried molasses. 
:'''Booth''': Horse food?
:'''Cam''': F.Y.I., there's such as thing as too much fiber. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Where do horses stay in a hotel?
:'''Booth''': Bridle suite. 
:'''Brennan''': ...That's correct. How did you know the answer to the bridle suite joke?
:'''Booth''': I have a five-year-old son. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': No. No, I'm annoyed. I know about this hypnotism thing. I was a magician's assistant at a little gypsy carnival in Brazil.
:'''Cam''': Now that's an opening line.
:'''Angela''': Ugh, Mysterio was really cute, and I was younger then, and... the whole being sawed in half thing was actually kinda hot. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sex motel owner''': So you say you're with the F.B.I.? ''[Booth shows him his badge]''.
:'''Brennan''': That is the third time he has showed you his badge.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Aristotle also thought that the purpose of the human heart was to solve math problems. 
:'''Brennan''': I'm surprised you know that.
:'''Booth''': Well, turns out I'm smarter than a fifth grader. ''[chuckles]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': ''[about the sex games]'' It's wrong. It says so in the Bible.
:'''Brennan''': It does not.
:'''Booth''': Then it was left out by mistake.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zach''': What melon is in season?
:'''Hodgins''': Wh&amp;mdash;why?
:'''Zach''': Once I've IDed a possible murder weapon, we'll want to compare an exemplar to the entry wound.
:'''Hodgins''': ...Cantaloupe.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Might wanna take a look in the mirror there, My Friend Flicka.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': What was with all the lying? We've got voice tape!
:'''Brennan''': It was role-playing! I was being all &quot;lard-ass and good cop.&quot;
:'''Booth''': Hard-ass and bad cop, Bones. Hard-ass and bad cop.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Stop or I'll kick you in the testicles!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Suspect''': What did you hit me with?
:'''Brennan''': A building.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': I lost my appetite because you made me think about all those people parading around pretending to be something they aren't just so they could have crappy sex.
:'''Brennan''': How do you know it's crappy?
:'''Booth''': Gotta be, Bones. Come on, it's gotta be.
:'''Brennan''': Why?
:'''Booth''': Why? I'll tell you why. Here we are, all of us, basically alone, separate creatures, just circling each other, all searching for that slightest hint of a real connection. Some look in the wrong places. Some&amp;mdash;they just give up hope because, in their mind, they're thinking, ''Oh, there's nobody out there for me,'' but all of us we keep trying over and over again. Why? Because every once in a while... every once in a while, two people meet and there's that spark, and, yes, Bones, he's handsome and she's beautiful and maybe that's all they see at first, but making love... making love... that's when two people become one.
:'''Brennan''': It is scientifically impossible for two objects to occupy the same space.
:'''Booth''': Yeah, but what's important is we try, and when we do it right, we get close.
:'''Brennan''': To what? Breaking the laws of physics?
:'''Booth''': Yeah, Bones&amp;mdash;a miracle. Those people with their role-playing and their fetishes and their little sex games, it's crappy sex, well, you know, at least compared to the real thing.
:'''Brennan''': ''[staring at him, faintly smiling]'' You're right.
:'''Booth''': Yeah, but... Wait, I just won that argument?
:'''Brennan''': Yep.

=== ''The Secret in the Soil'' [3.4] ===
:'''Sweets''': Agent Booth, you've been trying to intimidate me since the moment you stepped in here. And you've succeeded.
:'''Brennan''': Don't... scare the boy, Booth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': ''[about the bones]'' No signs of cannibalism. No bite marks&amp;mdash;
:'''Hodgins''': &amp;mdash;No condiments.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': ''[finding a rare insect]'' Hello, my exotic princess!
:'''Cam''': What a charmingly inappropriate greeting, Dr. Hodgins.
:'''Zach''': I think he was talking to the bug.
:'''Cam''': Well, now I feel a bit... rejected.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': &quot;He who smelt it, dealt it.&quot;
:'''Booth''': How do you even know that phrase?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': I'm sorry, but whose side are you on?
:''[Brennan opens her mouth to say something, but Booth interrupts her.]''
:'''Booth''': And don't say &quot;the facts,&quot; because that just annoys me.
:'''Brennan''': You want us to base our actions on your gut?!
:'''Booth''': Yes. You have your shiny machines, I have my gut.
:'''Angela''': Is it always like this whenever you two are together?
:'''Brennan''': Yes!
:'''Booth''': ''[at the same time]'' No.
:'''Angela''': ''[grins]'' That's kinda hot.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Noel''': What, you think I have bionic vision or something?
:'''Booth''': No, but you got binoculars... they're in every starter stalker kit... so give Angela something to draw. 
:'''Noel''': I like artists. 
:'''Angela''': I'll crush you like a bud, dude. Describe the guy. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Okay, stop. You don't know Booth. You don't know me, you have a limited view of us based on superficial data you've accumulated on a standardized questionnaire, and a subjective analysis from talking to us that is not at all scientific, so back off.
:'''Sweets''': Just trying to help.
:'''Brennan''': By questioning his humanity?
:'''Booth''': Okay, Bones, now you're going a little bit overboard. He's just a kid. Right? I mean, the worst thing that's probably ever happened to him was he lost at [[w:Mortal Kombat|Mortal Kombat]].
:'''Sweets''': Are you normally this protective of him, Dr. Brennan?
:'''Brennan''': We are partners. Our lives depend on being protective of each other.
:'''Sweets''': And you feel the same way, Agent Booth?
:'''Booth''': Sweets, I can only hope that one day you know what a real partnership is.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sweets''': You complement each other.
:'''Booth''': No, she never compliments me. Did you compliment me in the questionnaire?
:'''Brennan''': &quot;Complement,&quot; not &quot;compliment.&quot; P-L-E. He means that we complete each other, as a team.
:'''Booth''': Yeah, right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': So we get to stay together?
:'''Sweets''': Yes...
:'''Booth''': I'm sensing a but.
:'''Sweets''': However...
:'''Brennan''': Same as a but.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': You wouldn't even have coffee with me?
:'''Brennan''': Well, in your scenario, we wouldn't even know each other. Because there are no murders.
:'''Booth''': ''Were'', I said no ''more'' murders.
:'''Brennan''': Then fine, we could have coffee. So that's clear, that I mean, we'd have coffee. That's our relationship. Coffee.
:'''Booth''': Yeah, let's... move on.

=== ''The Mummy in the Maze'' [3.5] ===
:'''Zack''': I will be the back end of a cow.
:'''Hodgins''': So, no costume.
:'''Zack''': Naomi from Paleontology has agreed to be my front.
:'''Hodgins''': So many jokes, so little time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': The clothing came from a church-run thrift store. 
:'''Cam''': How could you possibly know that? 
:'''Zack''': There is no bug or slime specific to church thrift stores. 
:'''Hodgins''': You don't know that.  I'm the bug and slime guy.  You're just the auxiliary bone guy who dresses up like the back end of a cow.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': And get him to sign the divorce papers.
:'''Private investigator''': By &quot;get him&quot; do you mean force him to sign them?
:'''Hodgins''': If necessary.  Do you have a gun?
:'''Angela''':  Or just remind him of who I am, and ask him politely.
:'''Hodgins''': What are you, Canadian?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': How did you get to and from a remote, nameless Florida key so fast? 
:'''Amber''': It does have a name. Its name is No Name Key. Your confusion is natural.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amber''': Here's what Mr. Barasa said, 100% verbatim, word for word. 
:'''Hodgins''': Verbatim means word for word. 
:'''Amber''': What? 
:'''Hodgins''': You sort of said it twice. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amber''': Okay. Did I mention he's the most beautiful man I've ever seen?  Don't blame me. PI code: keep it real.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cam''': I'm Catwoman. ''[Brennan looks at her blankly.]'' ...The superhero. 
:'''Brennan''': Oh!
:'''Cam''': One of the most powerful female superhero figures. 
:'''Brennan''': ''[scoffs]'' I don't think so. 
:'''Cam''': Are you kidding? Catwoman? 
:'''Brennan''': Can you fly? 
:'''Cam''': I have nine lives. 
:'''Brennan''': Super strength, super speed, force people to tell the truth? 
:'''Cam''': I think I'm pretty fast. 
:'''Brennan''': &quot;Pretty fast&quot; is not super speed. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Who's more powerful, Catwoman or Wonder Woman?
:'''Hodgins and Zack together''': Wonder Woman.
:'''Brennan''': I concur, vehemently.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': ''[as Wonder Woman]'' Sorry, the bullet bounced off my bracelet! Just like Amazonium!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': It's a Halloween party. We could be Wonder Woman and&amp;mdash;what's Superman's secret identity? 
:'''Booth''': Clark Kent. 
:'''Brennan''': Yes. We could be Wonder Woman and Clark Kent after a really, really bad date. 
:'''Booth''': Yeah, bad date because you shot me. 
:'''Brennan''': It was only a flesh wound. And you dropped me on my head. 
:'''Booth''': After you shot me. Okay, I think I got you on this one. Okay, Wonder Woman?

=== ''The Intern in the Incinerator'' [3.6] ===
:'''Cam''': Would it be insensitive to mention that my father's sixtieth birthday is coming up?
:'''Booth''': Sixty already? Wow.
:'''Cam''': Uh-huh.  We're having a big birthday dinner for him on Thursday night.
:'''Booth''': All right, you give him my best.
:'''Cam''': You can do it yourself.  You have to come with me.
:'''Booth''': What? No, not your family.
:'''Cam''': I can't spend the night defending the fact that I still live alone to my family.
:'''Booth''': You never told them we broke up?
:'''Cam''': You want to make a man miserable on his sixtieth birthday?
:'''Booth''': You want me to pretend that I'm your boyfriend?
:'''Cam''': Yes, between six-thirty and ten on Thursday.
:'''Booth''': Ugh, Camille, you're an adult, you can't live your life afraid of what your family thinks.
:'''Cam''': Seeley, it's not going to be like this forever.  One day he'll die!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': I never liked Kyle Aldrige.
:'''Zack''': He told me once that having a high IQ was no excuse not to bathe. 
:'''Angela''': I don't believe that. 
:'''Zack''': No, those were his exact words, &quot;no excuse not to bathe.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Why do you want me to interrogate Aldrige?
:'''Booth''': Because he thinks I'm stupid.
:'''Brennan''': You're not!
:'''Booth''': Thanks, Bones, I know. Listen, during the interrogation, always refer to the victim by her first name.
:'''Brennan''': Well, you're the one that told me that personalizing the victim doesn't work with sociopathic serial killers. They lack all empathy. ''[poking Booth]'' You told me that!
:'''Booth''': We are not looking for Gorgonzola today!
:'''Brennan''': Gormogon. Gor-mo-gon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aldridge:''' Why am I talking to you?
:'''Brennan:''' What time did you leave the Jeffersonian that night?
:'''Aldridge:''' Shortly after 11. Dr. Brennan, surely I merit someone higher up on the food chain that an FBI consultant.
:'''Brennan:''' Kyle, I know you get everything you want by flaunting your superior intellect. But that won't work with me.
:'''Aldridge:''' Why is that?
:'''Brennan:''' Because I'm smarter than you are.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth:''' Cam's sister kissed me.
:'''Hodgins:''' Duuude.
:'''Booth:''' Don't call me dude. All right, listen, I was supposed to be Cam's boyfriend, but only between the hours of 6:30 and 10. She kissed me at 6:20, so technically that doesn't even count. Cam went to her office to get something, Felicia&amp;mdash;she just grabbed me and planted one on me. I didn't even see it coming, I didn't even have a defense maneuver planned.
:'''Hodgins:''' Oh wow... All right, all right, uh, how are you, uh, how are you gonna break it to Cam?
:'''Booth:''' What? Why would I do that?
:'''Hodgins:''' You want her to find out from her sister?
:'''Booth:''' Ah, this is worse than when we were a couple. ''[Hodgins starts laughing.]'' I really should take my gun out and shoot you now. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': This has got nothing to do with Goobagon.
:'''Brennan''': Gormogon!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth:''' ''[after accessing some files with Cam's password; to Brennan]'' I know your password too. It's &quot;daffodil.&quot;
:'''Brennan:''' I never told you that!
:'''Booth:''' What&amp;mdash;I got eyes! I mean, you guys aren't exactly CIA material.
:'''Hodgins:''' &quot;Daffodil&quot;?
:'''Brennan:''' What? They're pretty.
[''...'']
:'''Brennan:''' ''[after finishing the search]'' And I'm changing my password.
:'''Booth:''' Daisy.
:'''Brennan:''' How did you know?
:'''Booth:''' It's your second-favorite flower. I know you, Bones. Try a planet! ''[after Brennan enters another password; as he's walking away]'' Jupiter! 
''[Brennan is shocked.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Felicia:''' Why didn't you tell me you guys split up?
:'''Cam:''' You want him? Take him. I don't care.
:'''Felicia:''' I don't want him.
:'''Booth:''' You don't?
:'''Felicia:''' ''[to Cam]'' No, I was just trying to get back at you for being so perfect all the time.
:'''Cam:''' So you admit it.
:'''Felicia:''' Like you're a saint? ''[to Booth]'' She used to go into my closet with all my dolls and say that they were having a party but that I wasn't invited.
:'''Cam:''' You were five, and they did not like you.
:'''Felicia:''' Typical, start a fight so we miss lunch.
:'''Cam:''' Oh, you made reservations? I'm surprised. I thought we'd have to eat off a cart in the street.
:'''Booth:''' Wow, you two can lunch after all this?
:'''Felicia:''' Please, like you can ruin a meal. ''[laughs]''
:'''Booth:''' Okay, that's it. I don't know who you think&amp;mdash;
:'''Cam:''' Don't raise your voice at her, Seeley.
:'''Booth:''' What?
:'''Cam:''' Let's go. Let him calm down. Wow. ''[They start to walk out.]''
:''Felicia:''' Why did you guys break up? What did he do?
:'''Booth:''' It wasn't me, I&amp;mdash;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': What you're taking hard is, uh, the fact that it happened in your house.
:'''Brennan''': It's not my house!
:'''Booth''': Not where you sleep! Okay, your favorite place, the house of reason, the Jeffersonian.
:'''Brennan''': No. It's not my favorite place.
:'''Booth''': Yes, it is.
:'''Brennan''': What? No, it's not. How do you know?
:'''Booth''': Daffodil. Daisy. Jupiter. ''[pours another shot into two new cups]'' Okay, I'll tell you what else I know. ''[He lifts his cup in a toast.]'' You were hoping that it was Gorgonzola. ''[They take the shots.]''
:'''Brennan''': Gormogon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Yes. Are you going to betray me?
:'''Booth''': No. ''[They toast.]''
:'''Brennan''': Nonetheless, I shall be vigilant. ''[They take the shots.]''
:'''Booth''': &quot;Nonetheless&quot;? ''[They laugh.]''

=== ''The Boy in the Time Capsule'' [3.7] ===
:'''Zack''': I had a Michael Jackson glove. I've never mentioned that before.
:'''Hodgins''': ''[entering platform]'' I loved Chevy Chase. We all have our crosses to bear.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': No. You know what? This is crazy. It's&amp;mdash;it's not right. Tell him that it's not right.
:'''Brennan''': Is it?
:'''Booth''': Oh! You're on his side. Why don't you go play Voltron with him?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''':  There was this girl, Karen Highsley, and we were under the bleachers one night, personally, with me.
:'''Brennan''': Got it, you were having sex in the dirt under the bleachers.
:'''Booth''': Excuse me, I'm a gentleman, I brought my sleeping bag.
:'''Brennan''': Did you fail to perform sexually?
:'''Booth''': What?
:'''Brennan''': 'Cause that might actually count as a humiliation.  ''[starts to walk away]''
:'''Booth''': ''[runs after her]'' Will you just wait?  Will you just ''allow'' me to tell my story?
:'''Brennan''': Fine.
:'''Booth''': Thank you, all right.  So this girl, she had this game, where she would ask me a question&amp;mdash;
:'''Brennan''': What kind of question?
:'''Booth''': It doesn't matter, okay.  So if I got the question wrong, I'd have to take off a piece of my clothing.  So of course I knew all the answers, but I pretended that I didn't.
:'''Brennan''': So you could take off your clothes.
:'''Booth''': Exactly.  Now, my point is, I'm standing there, you know, in my socks and my St. Christopher medal, she runs off.  She runs off with the sleeping bag and all my clothes and I'm standing there starko.
:'''Brennan''': Well, why would she do that?
:'''Booth''': Well, I suppose she heard I was under the bleachers with another girl the week before.
:'''Brennan''': Okay, this is a story about sexual prowess, Booth! You're bragging!
:'''Booth''': ''[laughs]'' I had to run across the campus buck naked!
:'''Brennan''': You're laughing about it now!  You enjoyed displaying your penis, it showed alpha male mastery.  ''[lowers her voice]'' Only one other person knew about Brainy Smurf; it was my mother.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hodgins''': It was quicker. She was a cheerleader. She was hot. He couldn't wait. It's the boy thing again. Or maybe he was peeping through her window. Could have been a peeper.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Smurfette is a stupid, shallow Smurf who only had her looks. Look... you're better than Smurfette, you have your looks, and a whole lot more.
:'''Brennan''': You did bring that for me. To charm me in case I didn't find your humiliation so impressive, but I did.
:'''Booth''': Aha, so I did impress you.
:'''Brennan:''' That's what impressive means, dummy. You're such a Philistine. 
:'''Booth''': I'll tell you what. You can hold on to this, and it will remind you how far I've come. 
:'''Brennan''': I forgive you for snorting, Booth. 
:'''Booth''': Evolution is a long, long process. It takes hundreds of years. 
:'''Brennan''': Thousands. 
:'''Booth''': Why do you have to always correct me?
:'''Brennan''': To help you evolve.

=== ''The Knight on the Grid'' [3.8] ===
:'''Cam''': Dr. Brennan looked a little hurt when I told her you asked me to come out here instead of her. 
:'''Booth''': No, Bones's feelings, they don't get hurt. She's not like you. 
:'''Cam''': Like me?
:'''Booth''': Yeah. A girl.
:'''Cam''': Yeah, the word you're looking for is &quot;woman&quot;&amp;mdash;who incidentally makes more money than you.
:'''Booth''': Touchy!
:'''Cam''': What can I say, I'm just a girl with feelings. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Hey, look, Bones, you are gonna stay with a friend, check into a hotel, right?
:'''Angela''': She can stay with me.
:'''Booth''': Great.
:'''Brennan''': Thank you, no, why?
:'''Cam''': Mr. Kneecaps has your home address?
:'''Brennan''': I can't freak out every time somebody Googles me.
:'''Booth''': Cam, she goes nowhere alone.
:'''Brennan''': Cam, don't listen to him.
:'''Booth''': Cam, who are you more afraid of, me or her?
:'''Brennan''': Booth&amp;mdash;
:'''Cam''': Whoa! ''[holds up one hand to get them to stop]'' So this is what it's like to be a kindergarten teacher.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Don't look at me, my idea of art is a half-naked woman on the side of a van.
:'''Sweets''': That's interesting.
:'''Booth''': No, it's not interesting, Sweets, 'cause it was a joke.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sweets''': Really? It's awesome! It's like the Sith Lords, man. There's always only two of them.
:'''Booth''': Did you just Star Wars us?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': I do this under extreme protest.
:'''Booth''': The truck will be here any minute.
:'''Brennan''': Who knows about this?
:'''Booth''': Just you and me, Bones. Not even the driver knows what we're transporting.
:'''Brennan''': The MRI at Bethesda will tell us if Gormogon hid anything within the bones.
:'''Booth''': Like what?
:'''Brennan''': ''[a bit louder]'' I don't know. That's why we need the MRI at Bethesda.
:'''Booth''': Shhhhh...
:'''Brennan''': ''[whispering]'' What?
:'''Booth''': ''[whispering]'' Don't have to scream, I'm right here.
:'''Brennan''': Riiiight. Okay.
:'''Booth''': Are you done? We're kinda on a schedule.
:'''Brennan''': ''[loudly again]'' Yes. I'm done. Now we can load it onto a truck and take it to Bethesda.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': There are levels of &quot;bad guy,&quot; Russ, and you're not even on the first level.
:'''Russ''': Why do I feel like you just called me a sissy?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Okay. While I'm here, I'm gonna get a court order to monitor Arthur Graves visitors. Okay. Just in case Gorgonzola decides to come back and visit his old master.
:'''Brennan''': You're doing that Gorgonzola thing on purpose, aren't you?

=== ''The Santa in the Slush'' [3.9] ===
:'''Zack''': Victim appears to have odd-shaped remodeling on his sacrum with a sclerotic margin around the injury.
:'''Hodgins''': Some kind of old injury?
:'''Zack''': Two small indentations here, ''[he points to the screen]'' consistent with trauma from impact with some sort of cloven hoof.
:'''Hodgins''': Cloven like... a reindeer? 
:''[Angela enters.]''
:'''Hodgins''': Oh, thank God you're here. This is so wasted on me alone.
:'''Zack''': Evidence is evidence, whether anyone is there to hear it or not.
:'''Hodgins''': ''[to Angela]'' Our victim&amp;mdash;was kicked by a reindeer.
:'''Angela''': Oh, get the ''hell'' outta here.
:'''Zack''': ''[points to the screen again]'' The sacrum. 
:'''Angela''': Wait. The evidence actually adds up to an old, fat man with a white beard, in a custom-made Santa suit, who smoked a clay pipe and got kicked in the ass by a reindeer? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': Where did he work?
:'''Ralph''': Uh, employment agency called Temp Time. On 7th, by the Convention Center.
:'''Booth''': Ha! Couldn't have been Santa!
:'''Brennan''': Why?
:'''Booth''': Because Santa wouldn't have worked at a temp agency!
:'''Brennan''': Well, why not? His work is seasonal.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': No. It's not a ''lie'' lie, Bones. It's more like everybody agreeing that up to a certain age, kids deserve to live a different kind of truth.
:'''Brennan''': Okay, by that reasoning, what we should do is figure out a lie Russ could tell the girls so they wouldn't know he's in jail.
:'''Booth''': That is a brilliant Christmas idea.
:'''Brennan''': It was intended to be a scathing and incisive comment.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Brennan is asking Caroline for a letter so her dad can have Christmas in a conjugal trailer.]''
:'''Brennan:''' So will you?
:'''Caroline:''' I will.
:'''Brennan:''' You will? Thank you!
:'''Caroline:''' On one condition.
:'''Brennan:''' Booth said you'd say that.
:'''Caroline:''' Did he say I'd ask you to kiss him?
:'''Brennan:''' ''[laughs]'' No. ''[realizing she might be serious]'' Are you?
:'''Caroline:''' No cheeks, no noses, right on the lips.
:'''Brennan:''' People kiss people on the nose?
:'''Caroline:''' I want you to kiss him under some mistletoe.
:'''Brennan:''' Kiss Booth?
:'''Caroline:''' That's right, ''chérie''.
:'''Brennan:''' Why?
:'''Caroline:''' Because it will amuse me.
:'''Brennan:''' Why?
:'''Caroline:''' Because you're all &quot;Dr. Brennan and Special Agent Seeley Booth,&quot; and it's Christmas, and I have a puckish side that will not be denied.
:'''Brennan:''' Puckish?
:'''Caroline:''' What's the matter, you don't think I can be puckish?
:'''Brennan:''' I never thought about it until now.
:'''Caroline:''' You want me to write that letter, you kiss Booth on the lips for no less than one steamboat, two steamboat, five steamboats.
:'''Brennan:''' That's blackmail!
:'''Caroline:''' That's correct.
:'''Brennan:''' That's unethical.
:'''Caroline:''' That's the deal. Take it or leave it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Parker:''' Are you going to be all alone at Christmas?
:'''Booth:''' Me? Nah, I'm not gonna be alone. I'll be with Bones and all of our friends.
:'''Brennan:''' I'm going to Peru.
:'''Booth:''' See? We're all going to Peru.
:'''Parker:''' You're having Christmas in Africa?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': What is with the mistletoe?
:'''Brennan''': I was gonna talk to you about this. Caroline wants us to kiss under the mistletoe.
:'''Booth''': What?!
:'''Brennan''': It's the only way she'll make Christmas for my family.
:'''Booth''': What? By having us kiss?
:'''Brennan''': Yes.
:'''Booth''': Why?
:'''Brennan''': Because she's feeling puckish.
:'''Booth''': Puckish? What's that mean?
:'''Brennan''': Listen, Booth! She's going to be here any second. Do you want some gum? ''[puts gum in her own mouth]''
:'''Booth''': No, my breath is just fine. All right, look. I'll have a&amp;mdash;talk with Caroline.
:'''Brennan''': No.
:'''Booth''': No?
:'''Brennan''': I'm only telling you out of professional courtesy. 
:'''Booth''': What?
:'''Brennan''': So that you won't be surprised.
:'''Booth''': Yeah, when you say &quot;kiss,&quot; you mean like kiss-kiss, like on both cheeks.
:'''Brennan''': No, the lips. Like brother and sister or colleagues. French people meeting on the street.
:'''Booth''': Caroline's feeling puckish, huh?
:'''Brennan''': It means playful and impish.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Caroline:''' Well, look at that. Mistletoe. ''[Booth starts to protest.]'' You take a step to your right and you'll be right under the cute little sprig.
: ''[Caroline watches them and raises an eyebrow, waiting for Brennan to follow through on her end of the deal. Booth incoherently tries to protest but Brennan doesn't give him much time before she leans in and kisses him, grabbing the lapels on his jacket. Caroline continues watching them, but the kiss lasts longer and becomes more passionate than she had expected. When Brennan pulls back, they both appear to have been affected more than they thought as well.]''
:'''Brennan:''' ''[trying to regain her composure]'' Was that enough steamboats?
:'''Caroline:''' ''[flabbergasted]'' Plenty. A whole flotilla.
:'''Booth:''' I don't know what that means, but, um, Merry Christmas.
:'''Brennan:''' It was like&amp;mdash;kissing my brother.
:'''Caroline:''' You sure must like your brother.
:'''Booth:''' She does.
:'''Brennan:''' I do.
:'''Booth:''' ''[to himself]'' She does.
:'''Caroline:''' The trailer's all arranged. You're good to go, ''chérie''. Merry Christmas.
:''[She leaves, still flabbergasted. Booth and Brennan are still standing in the same place, not really able to look each other in the eye quite yet.]''
:'''Brennan:''' I'm sure she feels really foolish right now.
:'''Booth:''' Yeah. ''[awkward pause as they sneak a look at each other]'' Well, hey. I, um, I really should&amp;mdash;I should get back and&amp;mdash;see if, uh, the forensic guy has got&amp;mdash;anything yet on Moussa's clothes&amp;mdash;
:'''Brennan:''' That's a good idea. Yeah, I got&amp;mdash;stuff&amp;mdash;to do too. Yeah.
:'''Booth:''' Yeah.
:'''Brennan:''' That&amp;mdash;for&amp;mdash;with bones.
:'''Booth:''' ''[starts chewing gum]'' I&amp;mdash;I understand completely. ''[He stops when he realizes he's chewing and takes the gum out of his mouth.]'' Thanks for the gum. ''[He puts it back in his mouth and leaves.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sweets:''' I don't understand. Has there been some kind of crisis?
:'''Brennan:''' Yes, I have a crisis.
:'''Booth:''' Bones, it was just mistletoe.
:'''Brennan:''' Not the kiss, that was nothing.
:'''Sweets:''' You kissed?
:'''Booth:''' Mistletoe.
:'''Brennan:''' That's not the crisis.
:'''Sweets:''' Was there tongue?
:'''Booth:''' You know what, get your own sex life.
:'''Brennan:''' That has nothing to do with sex.
:'''Booth:''' Nothing! It was...
:'''Brennan:''' Totally sexless.
:'''Sweets:''' I'm all ears.
:'''Booth:''' Could you just take your hat off, there? ''[Sweets obeys.]''
:'''Brennan:''' Booth, who is a very honest person, says that at this time of year deception is necessary for the happiness of little children.
:'''Booth:''' I'm being misquoted.
:'''Sweets:''' Booth is absolutely right.
:'''Booth:''' She got the gist.
:'''Sweets:''' There is a fictional element to Christmas.
:'''Brennan:''' You mean the whole birth-of-a-savior rigmarole?
:'''Booth:''' It is not rigmarole!
:'''Sweets:''' No, Dr. Brennan, it's the feeling of Christmas. What people call the Christmas spirit. It's a kind of dream or hope we carry with us from childhood. But as adults...
:'''Booth:''' Are you including you in that?
:'''Sweets:''' As adults we're imbued by the pragmatic routines of daily life, which make it difficult for us to regard anything with childlike wonder. But you know, it's all right for us to try. We put on silly hats, drape trees in sparkly lights, and wrap gifts in garish paper. And that's good for us. It's not only all right to allow children the transient experience of innocence and joy, it's our responsibility.
:'''Brennan:''' Okay.
:'''Booth:''' Okay?
:'''Brennan:''' I found that very helpful.
:'''Booth:''' That's what I've been saying the last four days!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Russ''': You're gonna help me lie to the girls?
:'''Brennan''': Well, apparently, it's not morally wrong to lie at Christmas.
:'''Russ''': What if they know I'm lying?
:'''Brennan''': Well, apparently, sometimes&amp;mdash;lying is a kind of gift. I'm hazy on the rules, but the idea is even if they know you're lying, they know you're doing it out of love.
:'''Russ''': Where are you getting this? Because I'm in jail, and I'm getting better advice.

=== ''The Man in the Mud'' [3.10] ===
:'''Sheriff:''' ''[asking Booth]'' Is she serious?
:'''Brennan:''' As serious as a gas attack.
:'''Booth:''' ''[sighs]'' Heart attack, Bones. As serious as a heart attack.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth:''' Your friend's name Garth Jodrey?
:'''Tim:''' How'd you know that?
:'''Booth:''' ''[points to his name plaque on his desk]'' Special Agent Seeley Booth. Special.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth:''' You know, you can play the field and not ''plough'' it.
:'''Brennan:''' That was distasteful.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan:''' I'm enjoying this. The last time I threw pots I was in Columbia with the Arhuaco Indians.
:'''Booth:''' Last time I did something like this, I was in nursery school.
:'''April:''' Well, we love it. Don't we, Lance?
:'''Sweets:''' Yes.
:'''Booth:''' Well, I love my work, but I'm not gonna talk about that right now. Even though we think a paraplegic killed Tripp Goddard.
:'''April:''' That sounds fascinating.
:'''Sweets:''' ''[sternly]'' April.
:'''April:''' Oopsie.
:'''Brennan:''' Doctor Sweets says that you work with tropical fish.
:'''April:''' Yes, I loooove fish, they're just like people.
:'''Brennan:''' No, no, they're not. Actually, people can't breathe under water.
:'''April:''' She's funny.
:'''Brennan:''' I am? Wha&amp;mdash;? Why is that funny?
:'''Booth:''' I don't think she meant that literally, Bones.
:'''Brennan:''' Oh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth:''' What a shock for that couple. I mean, they slide naked into the&amp;mdash;hot mud bath, and a skeleton hand pokes her in the&amp;mdash;you know&amp;mdash;
:'''Brennan:''' Anus.
:'''Booth:''' Bones!
:'''Brennan:''' What? It's a clinical term for that part of the body, Booth.
:'''Sweets:''' Dr. Brennan, Agent Booth. Would it be fair to say that you use work to avoid confronting personal issues?
:'''Booth:''' Why? Because I don't wanna talk about&amp;mdash;you know&amp;mdash;
:'''Brennan:''' The anus.
:'''Booth:''' You really like that word, don't you?
:'''Sweets:''' Do you two ever discuss anything that's not attached to work?
:'''Booth:''' Well, it's better than talking about&amp;mdash;you know.
:'''Sweets:''' The anus?
:'''Booth:''' What is it with you two?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan:''' After a case, sometimes we have a drink, or coffee. Booth has pie. I don't like pie.
:'''Booth:''' You really should just... give it a chance.
:'''Brennan:''' I find it too sweet.
:'''Booth:''' Okay, there! We talked about pie. Nothing to do with work.
:'''Brennan:''' It... is better when we discuss murder.
:'''Sweets:''' I'd like to see you guys in a social situation. A situation where work is a taboo subject.
:'''Booth:''' What, are you gonna send us to a restaurant and watch us through a one-way mirror?
:'''Brennan:''' I'm still not having pie.
:'''Sweets:''' No, an evening out with my girlfriend and me.
:'''Booth:'''' ''[laughs, then turns to Brennan]'' They need someone to buy them beer.
:'''Brennan:''' You want us to go on a double date?
:'''Booth:''' Listen, why don't you just go on the Internet like all the rest of the kids?
:'''Sweets:''' Okay, if it goes well I'll withdraw my concern. I'll release you back into your environment.
:'''Booth:''' What are we, brook trout? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth:''' ''[trying to cheer up Sweets]'' Hey, you know what, Sweets? Bones and I, we're going bowling tonight!
:'''Bones:''' Yes, yes, bowling! You know what, you wanna come with us? To go bowling at the bowling rink?
:'''Booth:''' Alley.
:'''Bones:''' Bowling alley. The bowling alley?

=== ''Player Under Pressure'' [3.11] ===
:'''Brennan:''' I've changed my mind, she is not a smart girl. This is a terrible university.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Brennan:''' I thought you said you were just going to talk to him!
:'''Booth:''' Yeah, well, I saw his face and I got mad.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Brennan:''' Is she crying because she loved him, or because she lost a mansion?
:'''Booth:''' ''[mouths]'' The mansion. 

=== ''The Baby in the Bough'' [3.12] ===
:'''Booth:''' He looks a little fussy there why don't you pick him up and give him a cuddle.
:'''Brennan:''' Just because I have breasts doesn't mean I have magical powers over infants!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan:''' Coochie-coo? ''[baby cries]'' Oh, no no! No need to fuss! Obviously something is upsetting you. Children have toys, you must have some. Let me see. You know, elephants are not purple. This is wrong. ''[talking to Booth about the baby]'' Hey, look at that, he flipped over!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff:''' There's not even a scratch on the boy. It's a miracle.
:'''Brennan:''' Well, hardly. Car seats are specifically engineered to protect the child.
:'''Booth:''' From what? Flying out of the back of the car and landing in a tree?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': You know, you look very mom-like with that baby monitor. 
:'''Brennan''': I have a responsibility under state law as a foster parent. I've already bought him toys and clothes. 
:'''Booth''': Ah, so you've bought him some clothes? 
:'''Brennan''': Well, I sent an intern, who apparently loves bears, which in reality would devour a small child. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan:''' Strontium is an element found in most rocks.
:'''Hodgins:''' Human beings absorb it through the consumption of local vegetation and water. Over time the isotope collects in the bones, meaning&amp;mdash;
:'''Booth:''' You could use it to figure out where someone's from. ''[Brennan and Hodgins both look at him, shocked.]'' That is right, people, I am a ''constant'' surprise. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': I don't understand. He's been fed; he's changed; I patted him, and now he's just... complaining. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Are you gonna get him? 
:'''Brennan''': I figured you'd get him. 
:'''Booth''': Don't you have a &quot;responsibility under state law&quot;? 
:'''Brennan''': But you're the baby daddy. 
:'''Booth''': Baby daddy?! 
:'''Brennan''': You have prior experience with pre-verbal infancy. 
:'''Booth''': You can be the daddy mommy. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Bones, there is a baby involved. If you hear gunfire, anything like that, drive away. 
:'''Brennan''': Bu&amp;mdash;I'm not leaving you. 
:'''Booth''': Yes, you will, because this is about the baby, not me. Promise me. 
:'''Brennan''': ''[Looks at the baby for a long moment.]'' I promise. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth:''' Looks like our little guy's gonna be just fine. 
:''[Brennan looks at him.]''
:'''Booth:''' ''The'' little guy.
:'''Brennan:''' Andy.
:'''Booth:''' Andy's gonna be just fine.

=== ''The Verdict in the Story'' [3.13] ===
:'''Caroline''': Dr. Brennan is suspended from all crime-related duties.
:'''Booth''': What?
:'''Brennan''': What? For laughing at Booth?
:'''Booth''': That really doesn't bother me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sweets:''' Dr. Brennan, everyone you work with, including your therapist... 
:'''Booth:''' Former therapist. 
:'''Sweets:''' ...is endeavoring to imprison your father. That's wicked stressful.
:'''Brennan:''' Booth is right. It doesn't bother me. 
:'''Sweets:''' No, Booth is wrong. Yes, it does.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Max''': Oh, he's a full-grown scientist?
:'''Clark''': I shave, sir. I have a driver's license. I've won a couple fist fights. I've saved a life. I've lain with woman. I've been hustled at pool. I've defied my father's wishes. I have broken hearts and I have been heartbroken. So, by all the markers of this society, I am a grown man.
:'''Max''': Oh. You &quot;lain with woman&quot;?
:'''Russ''': Is he gonna talk like that at dad's trial?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Russ''': What about that genius kid at your lab?
:'''Max''': The oversized eyes and the toaster head? That guy?
:'''Clark''': I'm sorry if my normal-sized head and eyes diminish your confidence.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela:''' All of us together and Brennan alone.
:'''Zack:''' Not alone. ''[looking towards Brennan, Clark and Barron]'' She's with those African American people.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Caroline''': Here's what's not different. Lose the &quot;Cocky&quot; belt buckle. ''[pan to Booth's belt buckle]'' No badges saying &quot;Resist Authority&quot; or &quot;The Truth is Out There&quot;. ''[pan to a pin on Hodgins's jacket]''. Do not cut your own hair the day before a trial. ''[pan to Zack]''. ''[to Angela]'' Ugly up a little. The plain women on the jury hate you. ''[to Sweets]'' Use your fully grown-up words. ''[to Cam]'' Eat. Last time, your stomach was growling louder than your testimony.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brennan''': ''[whispers across the aisle]'' Booth.
:'''Booth''': ''[whispers back]'' What?
:'''Brennan''': ''[whispers]'' I could so be objective.
:'''Booth''': ''[whispers back]'' I know, Bones. Okay. Just shhhh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angela''': Sweetie. This is one of those times when I know what's right and everybody else is confused.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': ''[whispering to Brennan]'' No wonder Dr. Geeks can never hang on to a girlfriend. 
:'''Brennan''': ''[whispering to Booth]'' It's Dr. Sweets.
:'''Booth''': ''[whispering to Brennan]'' I know, Bones. I was just saying... Dr. Geeks as in &quot;geeks.&quot;
:'''Booth''': ''[whispering to Brennan]'' Meet Dr. Geeks.
:'''Judge:''' Dr. Brennan, I want you to swap seats with your brother, and Mr. Booth, I want you to swap seats with Ms. Montenegro.
:'''Brennan:''' What? How come?
:'''Judge:''' You don't whisper as quietly as you think you do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth:''' Tell you what, why don't we make a deal where we allow him to study us, and in return he gives us psychological profiling on demand?
:'''Sweets:''' Okay.
:'''Brennan:''' No, you like that sort of thing, but I don't see the point.
:'''Booth:''' I just think that he doesn't want to admit that he likes us.
:'''Brennan:''' Do you liiike us?
:'''Sweets:''' What?
:'''Booth:''' And he wants to spend time with us.
:'''Brennan:''' Is that true, Sweets? You like us?
:'''Sweets:''' No.
:'''Booth:''' He wants to spend time with us.
:'''Booth and Brennan:''' ''[sing-song]'' He really likes us.
:'''Sweets:''' All right, you know what, I'm sorry I made the offer, I take it back, forget it. ''[walks off]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth''': Okay. You're not Dr. Brennan today. You're Temperance.
:'''Brennan''': I don't know what that means.
:'''Booth''': The scientist part of you got sidelined, temporarily.
:'''Brennan''': I still don't know what that means.
:'''Booth''': Bones, just, take the brain, okay, put it in neutral. All right? Take the heart&amp;mdash;pop it into overdrive. ''[makes engine noises and mimes driving a race car]''
:'''Brennan''': ''[smiles]'' Sometimes I think you're from another planet. ''[laughs]'' And sometimes I think you're really very nice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth:''' Bones was with me all day.
:'''David Barron:''' She didn't have time to commit this murder?
:'''Booth:''' No, she did not.
:'''David Barron:''' How did your son Parker get home from school that day?
:'''Booth:''' ''[realizing]'' Forty-five minutes we were apart, but we talked on the phone.
:'''David Barron:''' Plenty of time, wasn't it, Agent Booth? Dr. Brennan could have burned the body hours later when you were safe at home. ''[Booth says nothing.]''
:''''Judge Haddoes:''' The witness will answer the question.
:'''Booth:''' ''[whispering]'' That's a lot of heart, Bones.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth:''' Could Bones have killed Kirby? ... Temperance Brennan, I've worked with this woman, I've stood over death with her, I've faced death down with her. Sweets is brilliant&amp;mdash;he is, but he's wrong. ... She could not have done this.

=== ''Wannabe in the Weeds'' [3.14] ===
:'''Bones:''' The guitar string could definitely be the murder weapon.
:'''Booth:''' 'Cause it cut the cheese?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Bones:''' Does Tommy share your affection?
:'''Pam:''' Why do you ask it like that? Because I don't look like a scarecrow? ''[to Booth]'' Like her?
:'''Bones:''' Hey. Wha&amp;mdash;what are you coming after me for? ''[to Booth]'' Do&amp;mdash;do I look like a scarecrow?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Brennan:''' Until I was thirteen I wanted to be the next Cyndi Lauper.
:'''Booth:''' I'd say you're kidding, but I don't think you know how to kid.
:'''Brennan:''' The other girls and I referred to her as &quot;rad.&quot; ''[laughs]'' My mother said I sang just as well.
:'''Booth:''' As well as Cyndi Lauper?
:'''Brennan:''' Yes.
:'''Sweets:''' Mothers do that. It's healthy.
:'''Brennan:''' No, it wasn't just flattery. My mother told me I sang &quot;Girls Just Wanna Have Fun&quot; better than she did. ''[Booth laughs]''
:'''Sweets:''' It was an expression of affection, Dr. Brennan. Not an objective evaluation of your abilities.
:'''Brennan:''' Well, I think you're wrong.
:'''Booth:''' Okay then, go ahead, belt it out.
:'''Brennan:''' No!
:'''Sweets:''' Yeah, come on, give us a few bars.
:'''Booth:''' Come on...
:'''Brennan:''' I can't just burst into song. I have to have music and an appropriate atmosphere of frivolity.
:'''Booth:''' Diva, forensic genius, best-selling author, better than Cyndi Lauper...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Sweets:''' Mocking will not change my opinion. I have been mocked many, many times before.
:''[Booth and Bones exchange a look.]''
:'''Sweets:''' That came out wrong. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Zack:''' My regimen is easily completed in my apartment. Treadmill for 30 minutes, 100 sit-ups, push-ups and leg-lifts, and then 20 minutes of free weights. I'm deceptively strong.
:'''Cam:''' I am deceived!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Bones:''' Hey! Break down the door!
:'''Booth:''' It hurts my shoulder when I break down the door!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bones:''' Kelly Clarkson?
:'''Booth:''' American Idol, &quot;Because of You&quot;?
:'''Bones:''' Because of me?

=== ''The Pain in the Heart'' [3.15] ===
:'''Angela:''' Look, I know how you see things, and I respect that. But I need to ask you a favor. I have to go to the funeral. I'm not going to be able to get through this alone. I've been crying for, like, days. I really need your shoulder here. I need my best friend.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Brennan:''' That woman was aiming at me. I would have happily taken that bullet.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Brennan hits man at funeral with fake arm.]''
:'''Booth:''' Bones! Nice shot! ...What?
:''[Brennan angrily storms up and punches Booth too.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Brennan:''' I knew I shouldn't have gone to that funeral&amp;mdash;it was a complete waste of time, just like I said.
:'''Booth:''' Wait a second, you thought that my funeral was a waste of time?
:'''Cam:''' I thought it was a lovely service, Booth.
:'''Booth:''' Thank you! You know, I expected to see more people, though...
:'''Hodgins:''' I always imagined a lot of ex-girlfriends crying.
:'''Booth:''' Yeah, me too.
:'''Angela:''' You guys are pathetic.
:'''Brennan:''' ''[to Booth]'' Just know I won't be attending your next funeral.
:'''Booth:''' Bones, I'm telling you, you were supposed to know that I wasn't really dead, I swear! That's why I thought you weren't crying!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Zack''': Is it a cake or is it a pickle?
:'''Hodgins''': It's [[w:Schrödinger's cat|Schrödinger's cat]].
:'''Zack''': That makes sense to me. Cakes and pickles mean nothing to me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Brennan walks in on Booth in the tub.]''
:'''Brennan:''' I need to talk to you!
:'''Booth:''' Okay, what the hell, Bones? I'm in my house, in my bathroom, in my bathtub! How the hell did you get in here anyway?
:'''Brennan:''' Well, that fake rock by your front door wouldn't fool anybody. Why are you wearing a hat that dispenses beer?
:'''Booth:''' ''[slightly bashfully]'' Hot tub plus cold beer equals warm beer. Hat equals solution. But why are you&amp;mdash;
:'''Brennan:''' And that cigar? Very unhealthy.
:'''Booth:''' Okay, what the hell do you want now, Bones? 'Cause I'm not really feeling too relaxed.
:'''Brennan:''' You should have told me that you weren't dead.
:'''Booth:''' I already explained this to you. The bureau has to vet everyone when there is a security issue. I was just following protocol!
:'''Brennan:''' Protocol?!
:'''Booth:''' Yes!
:'''Brennan:''' We've been partners for three years, Booth, and you've broken protocol before! Sometimes putting my life in danger, which makes sense because you clearly don't have any real concern for me.
:'''Booth:''' ''[standing up]'' I took a bullet for you!
:'''Brennan:''' Once! That only goes so far! ''[pause]'' Would you like a towel?
:'''Booth:''' Fine. What is it I should've done, Bones? What did you want me to do?
:'''Brennan:''' Well, you could have called me. Did you really think I needed to be vetted by your boss? I mean, don't you trust me?
:'''Booth:''' Of course I do.
:'''Brennan:''' Then why wasn't I told? It must have been something that you said.
:'''Booth:''' No, I don't know why you weren't told.
:'''Brennan:''' But you said that I should be. Aren't you curious why I wasn't?
:'''Booth:''' Yes. Do you want me to find out why you weren't told?
:'''Brennan:''' If it's important to you.
:'''Booth:''' Fine. I will. Next time I die, I promise that I will tell you.
:'''Brennan:''' I'll look forward to that.
:'''Booth:''' Me too. ''[opens comic book]''
:'''Brennan:''' What are you reading?
:'''Booth:''' A novel. ''[pause]'' It's a graphic novel.
:'''Brennan:''' Just so you know, I find your lack of Puritan modesty very refreshing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cam:''' A toothless cannibal just can't cut it in today's competitive serial killer climate.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Booth:''' Bones broke into my house last night&amp;mdash;
:'''Bones:''' There was a key!
:'''Booth:''' ...All angry because nobody told her that I was dead. And I was just following protocol!
:'''Sweets:''' Broke into your house?
:'''Bones:''' There was a key.
:'''Booth:''' ''[talking over her]'' And barged into my bathroom.
:'''Sweets:''' ''[laughing]'' What were you doing?
:'''Bones:''' He was drinking beer and reading a comic book.
:'''Booth:''' I was taking a bath!
:'''Sweets:''' You read comics and drink beer naked?
:'''Booth:''' Wait a minute. Bones bursts into ''my'' bathroom, all right, and I'm weird for being naked?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

:'''Sweets:''' I think it's interesting psychologically how Agent Booth's constant efforts to persuade you to enjoy fruit pie could be interpreted as a type of seduction.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Brennan:''' It's Zack. He's the killer, Booth. It's Zack.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Zack:''' You looked at the mandible.
:'''Brennan:''' You had to know I'd see it eventually.
:'''Zack:''' I didn't foresee the extent of my injuries. I was going to sneak out of here, but&amp;mdash;
:'''Brennan:''' Your friends never left your side.
:'''Booth:''' And you intended to steal the jawbone and add it to the silver skeleton.
:'''Brennan:''' But you designed the explosion. You must have known exactly how big it would be.
:'''Zack:''' Hodgins argued with me. He stood too close. The delay allowed the thermoplastic to reach the boiling point, and as a result, the explosion was three times more powerful than I calculated.
:'''Brennan:''' You must have known how badly you'd be injured.
:'''Zack:''' Yes.
:'''Booth:''' Who's Gormogon, Zack?
:'''Zack:''' That's not what he's called.
:'''Booth:''' Then what is he called?
:'''Zack:''' The Master.
:'''Brennan:''' And you're his apprentice?
:'''Booth:''' I need a name.
:'''Zack:''' I can't tell you. The apprentice is expendable. I'm expendable.
:'''Booth:''' Who is he?
:'''Brennan:''' Zack responds to logic, Booth.
:'''Booth:''' Really? 'Cause I'd love to hear the logic of killing and eating people to change the world.
:'''Zack:''' The Master's logic is irrefutable.
:'''Booth:''' Irrefutable?! I saw him choking a child at the bottom of a pool.
:'''Zack:''' If you knew what I know, you'd understand. You'd be proud of me.
:'''Brennan:''' I've always been proud of you, Zack. I've never met anyone more rational or intelligent. But there's a fault in your logic.
:'''Zack:''' With all due respect, you aren't cognizant of his logic.
:'''Brennan:''' Assumption #1: Secret societies exist.
:'''Zack:''' Accepted. Hodgins has been explaining this to me for years.
:'''Brennan:''' Assumption #2: The human experience is adversely affected by secret societies.
:'''Zack:''' Accepted.
:'''Brennan:''' Assumption #3: Attacking and killing members of secret societies will have an ameliorating effect on the human experience.
:'''Zack:''' Accepted.
:'''Brennan:''' All of your assumptions are built upon a first principle, Zack. To wit: The historical human experience, as a whole, is more important than a single person's life.
:'''Zack:''' Yes.
:'''Brennan:''' Yet you risked it all so you wouldn't hurt Hodgins.
:'''Zack:''' ''[crying]'' There's&amp;mdash;you are correct. There is an inconsistency in my reasoning.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[upon realizing that all of Zack's favorite things were given to him by his friends]''
:'''Brennan:''' I never gave him anything.
:'''Angela:''' Brennan, he totally loved you. I mean, as much as he was capable.
:''[Booth takes a letter out of Zack's box and reads it silently.]''
:'''Brennan:''' ''[getting up to leave]'' But I never gave him anything.
:''[Angela turns to follow her, but Booth goes instead.]''
:'''Booth:''' ''[reading her Zack's letter of acceptance to be Brennan's intern]'' I think you gave him something great, Bones. ''[Brennan rest her head on Booth's shoulder; he rests his on her head.]''

== Season 4 ==

=== ''Yanks in the U.K.'' [4.01] ===

:'''Brennan:''' In fact, taking a right turn on a red light here is the equivalent of turning left in the wrong lane at home.
:'''Booth:''' I'm turning right. ''[He takes the right turn and almost hit a bus, then manages to stop the mini in the middle of the intersection]''
:'''Booth:''' ''[Gets out of the car. Screaming]'' I hate England! I hate London! I'm glad we had a revolution! ''[Hits the car hood with his hands]'' Ahhhh!!! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booth:''' ''[Getting back in the car]'' I feel much better what did I miss?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Trying to get out of the mini cooper]''
:'''Booth:''' Ahh! Getting out of this thing is like being born!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Booth:''' Every man in this country would like to sleep with you.
:'''Brennan:''' Are you being nice with me or awful to the British men?
:'''Booth:''' I'm just saying, Wexler isn't special. You are.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Brennan:''' ''[waiting for Cam on the phone]''  You really think I'm special?
:'''Booth:''' Of course I think you're special! Yes!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Angela:''' My heart isn't yours to claim, it's mine to give away.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Angela calls Brennan's phone, voicemail answer.]''
:'''Brennan:''' '' Hi, technically you have not reached Temperance Brennan. But if you leave a message it will reach her. Me. Temperance Brennan ''

=== ''The Man in the Outhouse'' [4.03] ===

:'''Sweets:''' Does it seem that your partnership provides a surrogate relationship, making it more difficult to form other bonds?
:'''Brennan:''' A surrogate relationship wouldn't necessarily be such a bad thing because then I could avoid the sting of rejection which, however fleeting, is still uncomfortable.
:'''Booth:''' Right. Okay, look, I'm sorry. You know what? If Mark and Jason don't know how lucky they are, they don't deserve you in the first place.
:'''Brennan:''' No, relationships are temporary.
:'''Booth:''' No, that's not true, Bones, you're wrong. Okay, there is someone for everyone, someone you're meant to spend the rest of your life with. All right, you just have to be open enough to see it, that's all.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Bones:''' Anthropologically, 83% of societies are polygamist.
:'''Booth:''' Now you sound French. Being faithful is what separates us from the chimps.
:'''Bones:''' Actually, it's a gene called har1f.

=== ''The Finger in the Nest'' [4.04] ===

:'''Booth''': Parker had a nightmare.
:'''Brennan''': About severed fingers?
:'''Booth''': No, it was a singing frog.
:'''Brennan''': ''[shrugs]'' I don't see the connection, but then I'm one of those people that thinks when you dream about a banana, it's probably just a banana.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Booth''': Okay, yeah, I get it. You saw a whole lady's corpse when you were a little girl and you were fine.
:'''Brennan''': Yes. Although, for some reason that I do not understand, I kept staging my own death. Pretending that I drowned in the bathtub, faking electrical shock... it really freaked my parents out. And once, when Russ found me hanging, he had to go see the school psychologist.
:'''Booth''': ''[mildly sarcastic]'' But otherwise you were fine.
:'''Brennan''': ''[earnestly]'' Yeah.
:'''Booth''': Mmm, okay. ''[slight pause]'' Do you dream about bananas a lot?
:'''Brennan''': Why?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Parker''': ''[to Booth, when introduced to Dr. Sweets]'' His face doesn't look like a baby's behind!
:'''Booth''': ''[puts his hands over Parker's ears]'' Look, okay, he's having nightmares, he's not eating, he doesn't wanna go to school and suddenly he's afraid of meteors!
:'''Sweets''': ''[nonchalant]'' Giant flaming rocks from outer space. Who wouldn't be afraid?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Booth walks into Brennan's office to find her using her laptop computer whilst curled up on the sofa with Ripley.]''
:'''Booth''': Uh, the dog should be, you know, in the cage. He killed Seth Elliot.
:'''Brennan''': Well, it's not his fault! He's actually a very nice dog, ''[cooing to Ripley]'' aren't you? ''[to Booth]'' He reminds me of you.
:'''Booth''': Me?
:'''Brennan''': He's got warm and reassuring brown eyes, and he's capable of great violence.
:'''Booth''': 'Kay, great. Thanks a million.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Brennan and Booth have just finished burying Ripley.]''
:'''Booth''': So, you want to say something?
:'''Brennan''': Well, I feel that this dog, Ripley, paid a price that was unfair.
:'''Booth''': It's not my fault, Bones, why are you talking to me?
:'''Brennan''': Well, you're the only one here!
:'''Booth''': Well, talk to the universe... or&amp;mdash;or God. Or Ripley.
:'''Brennan''': I don't believe in God.
:'''Booth''': Well, &quot;God&quot; spelled backwards is &quot;dog.&quot;
:''[Brennan gives him a confused look.]''
:'''Brennan''': Well, and Ripley is dead, and he's a dog with, you know, limited vocabulary skills.
:'''Booth''': Bones, just, you know, speak from your heart.
:'''Brennan''': ''[sighs sadly]'' On behalf of human-kind [and the] universe I'd like to apologize for what happened to Ripley. He was born a cute little puppy, and then the people who adopted him wanted to kill him because they were too stupid to realize... he would grow into a big dog.
:'''Booth''': ''[quietly]'' That's good.
:''[Brennan looks at him mournfully, slightly teary-eyed.]''
:'''Brennan''': Ripley was a good dog. He didn't want to fight, but he did it to please his master. And he didn't want to attack a human being, but he did it&amp;mdash;to please his master. ''[holding back tears]'' You know, it wasn't Ripley's fault his master was cruel and selfish. Like all dogs, Ripley only saw the good in people. ''[nods adamantly]'' Dogs are like that. People should take a lesson.
:''[Brennan takes out the dog tag she bought for Ripley and pats it into the ground on Ripley's grave.]''
:'''Brennan''': ''[continues to pat the ground with the shovel; to Booth]'' Is that enough?
:'''Booth''': Yeah. As much as a good dog, hey ''[places his hand on her back]'', could hope for. Even with &quot;limited vocabulary skills.&quot; ''[Brennan stands up.]'' Okay?
:''[Brennan gives him a watery look and a rueful smile. She places her head on his shoulder and they embrace.]''

=== ''The Perfect Pieces in the Purple Pond'' [4.05] ===

:'''Detective Paynter''': The body parts were found in this evaporation pit.
:'''Booth''': That's purple!
:'''Detective Paynter''': The kid said it turned purple when he peed in it.
:'''Brennan''': For future reference, this is more of an anomaly than a missing head.
:'''Detective Paynter''': Sad comment on your life, Doc.
:'''Booth''': Again, snippy. If my back wasn't bad, I'd hit you.
:'''Brennan''': Booth, I can take care of myself. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Angela''': These are children's shoes, but they're size 11.
:'''Cam''': So you think our victim was a giant toddler?
:'''Brennan''': That would show up in the bones.
:'''Cam''': Sarcasm does not play well in the forensic platform.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Sweets''': These action figurines, they're awesome.
:'''Booth''': Still living at home there, huh, Sweets?
:'''Sweets''': No, I have my own place, and before that I lived with a woman. All right?
:'''Brennan''': Was that woman your mother?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Brennan''': What's wrong with him?
:'''Booth''': Sweets, what are you doing?
:'''Sweets''': I'm putting myself in the mind of an obsessive compulsive in order to figure out where I might conceal a memory enhancer, psycho-sexual proxy.
:'''Booth''': Right, right. What's that mean?
:'''Brennan''': Masturbatory aid.
:'''Booth''': Oh. Check the shoes.
:'''Sweets''': Good.
:'''Brennan''': What?! He's not going to find it in the shoes. Do all boys keep their masturbatory aids in their shoes, or is that particular to you?
:'''Booth''': That's for me to know and you to find out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Gary Tushman''': The publishing game's changed. You know what I mean, Dr. Brennan.
:'''Brennan''': No, I do not.
:'''Booth''': Try me, Mr. Tushman.
:'''Tushman''': Book writing is no longer about good writing, per se. It's about marketability. A book of the author. There's a reason why your photo takes up the entire back cover of your books.
:'''Brennan''': Because I'm a very good writer.
:'''Tushman''': You're serviceable, but your success is contingent upon your image as a hot, scientist chick.
:'''Brennan''': That's not true, is it?
:'''Booth''': No, of course not. Don't call my partner a chick. What's the matter with you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Booth''': What are you doing?
:'''Brennan''': I'm throwing out my book.
:'''Booth''': It's still on your hard drive, right?
:'''Brennan''': No, not anymore it's not.
:'''Booth''': You erased it? Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop! 
:'''Brennan''': I don't want to be a writer anymore.
:'''Booth''': Oh, why? Because of what that publisher said? He was an idiot. Did you see his glasses?
:'''Brennan''': Well I don't want to be a sexy scientist.
:'''Booth''': Well that's like me saying I don't want to be a sexy FBI agent. We can't change who we are.

===''The He In the She'' [4.07]===
:'''Brennan''': Do you consider yourself to be one of my &quot;brighter grad students,&quot; Mr. Nigel-Murray?
:'''Vincent Nigel-Murray''': Yes, and so do you, Dr. Brennan.
:'''Booth''': I am ''not'' calling this kid Mr. Nigel... anything.
:'''Vincent:''' Vincent. Or Vince, or Vinny, Vin... Vinchenza. Actually, uh, I had this girlfriend, once, who used to call me &quot;Vino Delectable&quot; because of how my&amp;mdash;uh, you don't... need to know that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cam''': We already have Agent Booth to make lame jokes. Let's stick to facts.
:'''Vincent''': The rods in the human eye are sensitive enough to detect the light emitted by a struck match from as much as a mile away on a clear night.
:'''Cam''': ''[mildly surprised]'' Okay, let's stick to relevant facts.
:'''Vincent''': The sockets have been ground down.
:'''Cam''': Okay, that could be useful. ''[looks expectantly at Vincent, who smiles but says nothing]'' Especially if you have an explanation.
:'''Vincent''': Plastic surgery. Oh, uh, she had ''[gestures with his hands in front of his chest]'' fake boobs, too.
:'''Cam''': &quot;Sockets,&quot; &quot;eyeballs,&quot; &quot;boobs&quot;... I wouldn't use these words when conferring with Dr. Brennan.
:'''Vincent''': I know&amp;mdash;with her it's all &quot;supra-orbital nimbus&quot; and &quot;mammary implants.&quot; But you seemed a more colloquial sort.
:'''Cam''': Well, in that case, what about the &quot;backbone&quot;?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Hodgins''': Does Brennan put &quot;Mr.&quot; before your name?
:'''Vincent''': Yes.
:'''Hodgins''': That's her very subtle way of saying you're not a doctor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cam''': ''[about the victim]'' &quot;He&quot;?
:'''Vincent''': Mmm-hmm. Triangular pubis, no evidence of a ventral arc. The pelvic bone speaks: it says &quot;I be male.&quot;
:'''Cam''': The pelvic bone can say whatever it wants to say&amp;mdash;this part here ''[points in the general direction of the lower body]'' says &quot;female.&quot;
:'''Vincent''': What part's that?
:'''Cam''': It's called a vagina.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Booth''': Okay, but from now on he is always a she. She was a he when she died, so she deserves the respect due to... him... or her. Okay? Person!
:''[Both Brennan and Sweets give him puzzled stares.]''
:'''Brennan''': Okay, uh, I'm a genius and I'm confused.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|0460627|Bones}}
* [http://tvtdb.com/bones Episode transcripts] at TVTDB.com

[[he:עצמות (סדרת טלוויזיה)]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>George Takei</title>
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      <text bytes="3473" xml:space="preserve">[[File:George Takei by Gage Skidmore 2.jpg|thumb|George Takei]]

'''[[w:George Takei|George Hosato Takei]]''' (born [[April 20]], [[1937]]) is an American actor of Japanese decent. He is best known for playing the role of Mr. Sulu on the television series ''[[Star Trek: The Original Series|Star Trek]].''

{{actor-stub}}

==Quotes==
===2008===
* I've been working with Bill Shatner yea these 40-plus years. He never seems to get it right. I gave him, &quot;It's Takei, as in way.&quot; I even said, &quot;as in gay&quot;… I told him, &quot;It's Takei, rhymes with toupee.&quot; I thought that would do it.
** Quoted in Doug Elfman, [http://www.lvrj.com/news/26861469.html &quot;Takei celebrates legacy of diversity,&quot;] ''Las Vegas Review-Journal'' ([[2008-08-12]])
** Describing how he advised [[William Shatner]], who reportedly could never pronounce his name correctly, how to say it aloud.

===2011===
* The so-called &quot;don't say gay&quot; law is premised on the misguided belief that, by not talking about gay people, they can simply make us disappear. I am here to tell Tennessee and all LGBT youth and teachers who would be affected by this law, that I am here for you. In fact, I am lending my name to the cause. Any time you need to say the word &quot;gay&quot;, you can simply say &quot;Takei&quot;. For example, you could safely proclaim you are a supporter of Takei marriage. If you're in a more festive mood, you can march in a Takei pride parade. Even homophobic slurs don't seem as hurtful if someone says, &quot;That is soooo Takei.&quot;
** {{citation
|title=George Takei vs. Tennessee's &quot;Don't Say Gay&quot; Bill
|publisher=YouTube
|date=2011-05-19
|url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dRkIWB3HIEs
|accessdate=2011-05-20}}
** Regarding the Tennessee Senate Judiciary Committee passing state senator [[Stacey Campfield]]'s bill SB49, which bans mentioning homosexuality in public schools prior to ninth grade

===2015===
* He is a clown in blackface sitting on the Supreme Court. He gets me that angry. He doesn't belong there. And for him to say, slaves have dignity. I mean, doesn't he know that slaves were in chains? That they were whipped on the back. If he saw the movie ''12 Years as a Slave'', you know, they were raped. And he says they had dignity as slaves or— My parents lost ''everything'' that they worked for, in the middle of their lives, in their thirties. His business, my father's business, our ''home'', our ''freedom'' and we're supposed to call that ''dignified''? Marched out of our homes at gun point. I mean, this man does not belong on the Supreme Court. He is an ''embarrassment''. He is a disgrace to America.
** [https://www.facebook.com/FOX10Phoenix/videos/868880156493866/ Fox 10 News (Phoenix) interview], {{#formatdate:2015-06-30}}
** regarding [[Clarence Thomas]] writing &quot;Slaves did not lose their dignity (any more than they lost their humanity) because the government allowed them to be enslaved. Those held in internment camps did not lose their dignity because the government confined them.&quot; in his ''Obergefell v. Hodges'' dissent, {{#formatdate:2015-06-26}}

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commons category}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Takei, George}}
[[Category:Actors from the United States]]
[[Category:Bloggers from the United States]]
[[Category:Autobiographers]]
[[Category:People from Los Angeles]]
[[Category:LGBT people]]
[[Category:LGBT rights activists]]
[[Category:Buddhists from the United States]]
[[Category:1937 births]]
[[category:Living people]]
[[Category:Japanese Americans]]</text>
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----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 1)|1]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 2)|2]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 3)|3]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 4)|4]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 5)|5]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 6)|6]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 7)|7]] | [[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1]] | [[Aqua Something You Know Whatever]] | [[Aqua TV Show Show]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force|'''Main''']]
----
&lt;br&gt;
'''''[[w:Aqua Teen Hunger Force|Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]''''', (also known by various [[w:Aqua Teen Hunger Force#Alternative titles|alternative titles]]), (2000–15) is an [[w:animated series|animated television series]] from the [[w:Cartoon Network|Cartoon Network]]'s [[w:Adult Swim|Adult Swim]] programming block.  The show follows the exploits of three [[w:anthropomorphic|anthropomorphic]] fast food items: [[w:Master Shake|Master Shake]], the milkshake; [[w:Frylock|Frylock]], the carton of French fries; and [[w:Meatwad|Meatwad]], the aptly named wad of meat.

===Super Birthday Snake===

:'''Frylock''': Meatwad, can you hear me?
:'''Meatwad''' ''[slurred]'': You give me another beer.  I'm 21!
:'''Frylock''': Oh, great, he's ''drunk!''
:'''Meatwad''': I'm not drunk!  ''You're'' the drunk one!  Are you gonna do somethin' about it?!
:'''Master Shake''': Yeah, I'll do somethin' about it!  How about ''THAT?!'' ''[kicks Meatwad]''
:'''Meatwad''': Ow!
:'''Master Shake''': Ya like that?
:'''Meatwad''': Do that to my face!  What, you scared?! ''[gets kicked]'' Ow!  You did it again!
:''[Meatwad is repeatedly kicked until the snake faces Shake]''
:'''Meatwad''': You son of a bitch!
:'''Master Shake''': This is stupid.  Let's kick him out of here. ''[kicks Meatwad a couple more times, then turns to the snake]'' What are you lookin' at?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meatwad''': Frylock, please.  That was a computer simulation program.  And it proved to me that you don't know what I like and what I like to do.  And that is to tell you what to do.  And you need to listen to what I say 'cause I'm gonna eat your brains!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Master Shake and Meatwad inside the snake)''
:'''Master Shake''': Oh God, it smells like a Brewery in here!
:'''Meatwad''': ''(slurred)'' Yeah just keep shoutin' you stupid.
:'''Master Shake''': Frylock, blow his head off!
:'''Meatwad''': Do not kill him, he is a friend of mine. How'd you like to deal with me?
:'''Master Shake''': Oh will you shut up you drunk?!
:'''Meatwad''': What you just decide that I'm drunk? You can't decide.
:'''Master Shake''': SHUT UP!
:'''Meatwad''': I make that decision.
:'''Master Shake''': Oh my God...
:'''Meatwad''': That decision is mine and God's.
:'''Master Shake''': Will ya listen to yourself?
:'''Meatwad''': Roger that...
:'''Master Shake''': Now look...
:'''Meatwad''': ...and I'm not. I change...I ain't make that decision.
:'''Master Shake''': Do not listen to Meatwad!
:'''Meatwad''': That wasn't a decision that was made here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meatwad''': You killed us! I told you not to do it and you did it...anyways.
:'''Frylock''': No, I didn't!
:'''Master Shake''': Yes, you did!
:'''Frylock''': No I didn't!
:'''Meatwad''': Yes, you did
:'''Frylock''': No, I didn't!
:'''Carl''': Yes! you did!
:'''Frylock''': No, I didn't!
:'''Master Shake''': Yes, you did!
:'''Frylock''': No, I didn't!
:'''Meatwad''': Yes, you did!
:'''Frylock''': No, I didn't!
:'''Carl''': Yes! you did!
:'''Frylock''': No, I didn't!
:'''Master Shake''': Yes, you did!
:'''Frylock''': No, I didn't! ''[cries]''
:'''Meatwad''': ...yeah, you did.
:'''Frylock''': No, I didn't!
:'''Carl''': Yeah! You did!
:'''Frylock''': No, I didn't!
:'''Master Shake''': You did!
:'''Frylock''': No, really, I didn't!
:'''Meatwad''': Yes, you did
:'''Frylock''': No, I didn't!
:'''Carl''': Yes! You did!
:'''Frylock''': No, I did not!
:'''Master Shake''': Wait! Did you just say that you did?
:'''Meatwad''': He did?
:'''Carl''': What, did he say that he did?
:'''Frylock''': No, I said I didn't.
:'''Master Shake''': ...cause you did!
:'''Frylock''': No, I didn't!
:'''Meatwad''': Did, too.
:'''Frylock''': Didn't!
:'''Carl''': Did.
:'''Frylock''': Didn't!
:'''Master Shake''': Did!
:'''Frylock''': No, I didn't!
:'''Meatwad''': Yes, you did!
:'''Frylock''': Watch the fire. Over there. Don't burn yourself.
:'''Meatwad''': Oh, thank you. ...but you did!
:'''Frylock''': No, I didn't!
:'''Master Shake''': Yes, you did!
:'''Frylock''': No, I didn't!
:'''Carl''': You so friggin' did!
:'''Frylock''': No, I didn't!
:'''Meatwad''': Of course you did!
:'''Frylock''': No, I did not!
:'''Master Shake''': Yes, you did!
:'''Frylock''': No, I didn't!
:'''Meatwad''': Well, yeah, you did.
:'''Frylock''': No, I didn't!
:'''Master Shake''': Yes, you did!
:'''Frylock''': No!
:'''Master Shake''': Yes, you did!
:'''Frylock''': No, I didn't!
:'''Carl''': You did!
:'''Frylock''': No, I didn't!
:'''Carl''': You friggin' did!
:'''Frylock''': No!
:'''Master Shake''': Yes, you did!
:'''Frylock''': No really, I didn't!
:'''Meatwad''': Yes, you did! Yes, you did! Yes, you did! Yes, you did! Yes, you did!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Yeah, I can't pretend to know what you're going through right now, but…you let go, okay.  Thank you.  If you need anything, you know who to look to: someone else.
:'''Frylock''': If only we wouldn't have gotten him that pet.
:'''Carl''': Don't–
:'''Frylock''': I mean, he would have been here today.
:'''Carl''': Don't beat yourself up over it. There's nothing you can do about this. I mean, it-it kinda was your fault, but... but, hey, screw it. They're dead and you're not.
:'''Frylock''': I appreciate it, Carl. I really do.
:'''Carl''': Is this a cemetery? This is a construction site, isn't it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Carl is at Frylock's door]''
:'''Carl''': Here. It's a Fruit Roll-Up. I was gonna make ya a tuna casserole for your loss, but, uh... but I didn't.
:'''Frylock''': Mmm, thanks.
:'''Carl''': I was gonna yell my brains out at ya but, because of your loss, I might just gently ask: What happened last night with all the noise?
:'''Frylock''': Carl, Carl, Carl. [''chuckles''] Why don't you mind your own damn business before I carve you up like a Christmas goose? You wanna taste of what I did to that snake? 'Cause I'll do it to you, too!
:'''Carl''': Fryman. Man. You changed. ''[Frylock stabs Carl]''
:'''Frylock''': Aw, for the better?
:''[Frylock dumps Carl's body in a dumpster]''
:'''Frylock''': [''chuckles darkly''] There goes the neighborhood.
&lt;hr width+50%/&gt;

===Super Hero===
:'''Shake''': He wanted me to give you these cell phones. They link you directly to the man himself.
:'''Frylock''': He's giving us a cell phone?
:'''Meatwad''': There's no text messaging. This a suck phone.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frylock''': Wow, you know that's really, amazingly lame.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shake''': ''[answering phone]'' Drizzle here.
:'''Meatwad''': Hello, yes, Drizzle. Violent criminals have put... what did you, Fat Albert...
:'''Frylock''': Prince Albert.
:'''Meatwad''': Oh, have put... Fat Albert in a can.
:'''Frylock''': No it's ''Prince''. ''Prince'' Albert.
:'''Meatwad''': Oh, okay. Hold on. ''[to Shake on the phone]'' Have put... F-Fat Albert in a can, in your can.
:'''Shake''': I'll need precise coordinates ma'am.
:'''Meatwad''': Oh okay, it's... it's in your butt, boy! ''[snickering]'' It's in your butt! Did you hear me? It's in your butt.
:'''Shake''': Pranksters! Sons of—

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frylock''': Shake, the printer called and said that the Drizzle's stationery and business cards are ready. But they're concerned what with the paper being black and the ink being black.
:'''Shake''': They Just (Yawns) Get Tired Everything must be black, like the Storm of Justice!
:'''Frylock''': Well maybe you'd better talk to them. ''[holding a bouncing eye contraption]'' And this is blocking up the hallway.
:'''Shake''': The Eye of Justice. The Drizzle is lost without it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meatwad''': Howdy, villains, I'm Mr. Mister. Watch your back, crime. When I get pissed, you get mist.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shake''': You can expect a forecast of vengeance in the near future.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shake''': I'm not asking you if people will be able to write on it; I'm telling you I want black on black!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frylock''': ''[Bringing in a package]'' This just came for the Drizzle.
:'''Shake''': Who's the Drizzle?
:'''Frylock''': Well, we don't know that, do we? But he owes me 40 bucks for this C.O.D.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frylock''': Where are you going?
:'''Shake''': I'm going to let the Fume know that he needs to let the rest of the world know that he exists.
''[Later that evening]''
:'''TV Announcer''': Downtown is in flames tonight as a mysterious arsonist...
:'''Frylock''': Ah no, Shake. You messed up this time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meatwad''': I'm calling Japan.
:'''Shake''': '''''WHO THE HELL DO YOU KNOW IN JAPAN??!! NOBODY!!!'''''
:'''Meatwad''': Hello, Japan?
:'''Shake''': '''''NO!!'''''
:'''Meatwad''': Yes, connect me to [[w:Godzilla|Godzilla]], please.
:'''Shake''': ''[takes phone away]'' '''''YOU DON'T GET ONE!''''' I told the Drizzle you'd mess this up! It hasn't been five minutes and you already did!
&lt;hr width+&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

===Super Bowl===
:'''Meatwad:''' Enchiladitos, they make you wanna eat 'em!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meatwad''': Hey, Carl.
:'''Carl''': Hey, hey, hey, just the man I wanted to see. I done heard through the grape vine that someone won a big prize recently.

:'''Meatwad''': Yup, I won two tickets to the Super Ball.
:'''Carl''': No, it's, it's &quot;Bowl.&quot; It's cute that you said that 'cause you's a frickin' idiot.
:''[At night, Shake smiles at Meatwad in his room. He grabs a gutter from behind him and turns his smile into a frown]''
:'''Shake''': I didn't leave my keys in here. Silly! Uh, this must be the wrong... PLACE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Carl busts in after Shake tries to keep him out]''
:'''Carl''': Get your meat ass out here and have some fun with me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Meatwad:''' Why do you have those oven mitts on?
:'''Shake''': I'm not touching you skin-to-skin! I mean, it's extra padding, it's for your pleasure
:'''Meatwad:''' I'm not entirely comfortable with the level of asbestos in these mitts
:'''Shake''': Just take deep breaths... ''breathe it in and die! Give me those tickets!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meatwad:''' Yep, Super Bowls are fun. We got braggin' rights this year. Number One.
:'''Shake:''' Who?
:'''Meatwad:''' Number One.
:'''Shake:''' Who's Number One?
:'''Meatwad:''' I don't know.
:'''Shake:''' You don't know... ''because you went to a fucking farm, you fucking imbecile!''
:''[Meatwad leaves]''
:'''Shake''': Get back here! You cost me my one chance!''' ''I GOT FUCKING DIABETES AND CANCER BECAUSE OF YOU!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': ''[playing football with Meatwad]'' Okay, so you've got the ball. Now you wanna wrap your... uh, you know, that stretchy little, sticky thing...
:'''Meatwad''': ''[grabbing the football and pushing it into his face, distorting his features]'' Like dis?
:'''Carl''': No.
:'''Meatwad''': ''[with the football sitting on his head, and four &quot;arms&quot; of meat waving around]'' What about dis?
:'''Carl''': ''(frowning)'' No, not like... that, either... no...
:'''Meatwad''': ''(with the ball in his mouth)'' How about this?
:'''Carl''': Oh... whatever. It's... going right in the trash after this, so... uhhh... yeah, let 'er rip!
:'''Meatwad''': ''[spits out the football]''
:'''Carl''': Yeah, hooray... we won! Who are you takin' to the Super Bowl?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl:''' Okay, time out here. Look, ever since my son was... never conceived since I've never had consensual sex without there being money involved, I've always thought of you as something that I could sorta... live next to... in accordance with state laws.
:'''Meatwad:''' That's so sweet. You tryin' to say that you love me.
:'''Carl:''' Whoah, let's not put people on the spot here.
:''[Carl puts on a foam &quot;#1&quot; glove.]''
:'''Carl''': ''[angrily]'' '''''WHO ARE YOU TAKING TO THAT FRICKIN' SUPERBOWL?!'''''
:'''Meatwad:''' Carl, your finger!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shake:''' ''[To Meatwad]'' Who are you taking?
:'''Carl:''' Yeah, who are you takin'?
:'''Frylock:''' Carl? How did you get in here?
:'''Carl:''' The window, jackass. '''''WHO ARE YOU TAKIN''''''?!?!?!

&lt;hr width+&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shake:''' T-this is a box. Are y'outta ya freakin' mind?! You'll get arrested!
:'''Meatwad:''' Gentlemen, meet my new best friend... ''(70's disco plays)'' Boxy Brown.
:'''Shake:''' Meet your new ''dead'' best friend.
:'''Boxy Brown:''' Uh uh, fool. Step back.
:'''Meatwad:''' You'd best listen to Boxy, now. He don't play.
:'''Shake:''' Listen to what?! He's imaginary for Chri- YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE FEETBALL, I'M THE NUMBER ONE SUPER FAN!

===Super Computer===
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Carl's house]''
:'''Carl''': What do you mean you've &quot;gotta count those&quot;? There's over $200 in there! Oohh, okay Candy. I guess we're not in America. I guess now I'm not allowed to pay for sex with pennies. ''[gets hit with super computer as Candy takes money]''
:'''Schooly D''': Damn, Carl. I thought you knew hoes would be hoes, brother.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frylock''': Gentleman, say goodbye to your old desktop! ''[turns on computer and it disappears]''
:'''Master Shake''': Say goodbye to your ''new'' one too.
:'''Frylock''': Where did it go?! What the hell happened?!
:'''Master Shake''': Was it supposed to do that?
:'''Frylock''': Did it bust through the wall again?
:'''Meatwad''': Yes it did.
:'''Frylock''': No it didn't!
:'''Meatwad''': Do..what'd it do? Where do I go...to do the poop?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Master Shake''': My pizza's here! Pizza time! Pizza time, pizza time, pizza time...
:'''Meatwad''' ''[to Frylock]'': He's right. It all makes sense now...you're a damn witch.
:'''Frylock''': Oh yeah, well whatcha gonna do about it?
:'''Meatwad''': Eat pizza. Pizza time, pizza time, pizza time!
[Meatwad in the shower]
:'''Meatwad''': Dang, what was that?
:'''Master Shake'''(angrily shocked): What are you doing in the shower?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Oog''': So there me was beating boulder into powder because me couldn't eat it and magic ball land in lap. Naturally, me think, &quot;All right! Free Egg!&quot; because me stupid and me cave man. So me spent about 3 days humping and bust open with thigh bone so me could eat it good, then magic ball shoot Oog with beam, and next thing me know me go out and invent wheel out of dinosaur brain! Magic dino-wheel rolled for 3 short distance before me eat it, the point is me get smarter. Soon, me walk upright. Me featherback dirty, matted hair into wings for style and me stop to use bathroom as opposed to me just doing it as me walk.

&lt;hr width+&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

===Super Model===
:'''Meatwad''': Boy, sure is nice not havin' Shake around.
:'''Frylock''': Yeah, it is odd that he'd go down to Guatemala and be missionary. In fact, it's not true.
:'''Meatwad''': Look here, he can be down on a prom date with Santa Claus on the moon for all I care. 'Point is, I can do whatever I want with my toys.
:'''Frylock''': Pick up your toys.
:'''Meatwad''': ... Shut up.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Meatwad''': Look here, you want your blue jean ad?
:'''Master Shake''': More than anything.
:'''Frylock''': A &quot;blue jean ad?!&quot; Look Shake, alotta times the media tries to present an image that isn't exactly true to life. I mean, you understand what I'm sayin', right?
:'''Master Shake''': No, I do, I do. I understand that some people - Meatwad - don't look good, and that they should hide from the cameras at all costs. It's the beautiful people that are the smart ones, and it's that very same smartness that makes them rich.
:'''Frlock''': Shake, people are different all over. I mean, it's not how you look on the outside, it's what inside that counts.
:'''Master Shake''': Thank you dad. I get the message. Is that what you're tryin' ta tell 69SoFine?
:'''Frylock''': You read my e-mail?!
:'''Master Shake''': You think she gets that you're a fireman yet?
:'''Frylock''': ...Well, screw you!
:'''Master Shake''': Oh, good one. Never heard that one before. Boy do I feel burned.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Meatwad''': ''[to a convalescent Shake]'' Whoa little piggy!  Have some self control. You know nothin' grosses me out more than fat people…like ''you.''  
:'''Master Shake''': I'm fat?
:'''Meatwad''': As hell!  Have you seen yourself?  I would not eat ''any'' more…'less you gonna get rid of it, you know what I mean?
:'''Master Shake''': What ''do'' you mean?
:'''Meatwad''': I'm not talkin' 'bout digestion.  I'm talkin' 'bout this ''[mimes sticking his finger down his throat]''
:'''Frylock''': Meatwad, no!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Master Shake and Meatwad go to Carl for a plastic surgeon]''
:'''Meatwad''': We callin' in da pros now. Is your buddy out of prison yet?
:'''Carl''': Which one? 'Cause there's three.
:'''Meatwad''': Oh, you know which one. The guy that was in the hotel with the people...and the welding.
:'''Carl''': Oh, Terry! Yeah, yeah, he's out, but uh, part of his parole is he's not supposed ta, you know, do what he was doin'...to flesh.
:'''Master Shake''': We need him, otherwise people are gonna look at me and wonder what could have been.
:'''Carl''': All right, whatever. We'll meet at the docks at midnight. I get a 10% finder's fee. ''You'' never saw me.
:'''Master Shake''': Fine, but I'll need a receipt, 'cause this is a business expense.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meatwad''': Whoa! What happened to your butt? It's like a little shelter down here!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meatwad''': Shhh! You hear that? That's the sound of him not being here. You can thank me for that later.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Outside of Terry's]''
:'''Carl''': ''(hands Shake a liquor bottle)'' Alright, he wants you to, uh, drink all that before you go in there.
:'''Master Shake''': Eeeeeasily done, my friend! Now you're talking my language. ''(points to a bedpost)'' What's this thing for?
:'''Carl''': Yeah, that? You bite down on, so you don't swallow your tongue.
:'''Master Shake''': ''(puts it in his mouth)'' Now?
:'''Carl''': ''(amused)'' Oh, you'll know when. I feel pretty sure of that.
:'''Master Shake''': Alright! Hello, Hollywood, let the games begin, baby!
:''[Shake goes inside and starts screaming]''
:'''Meatwad''': ''(unsettled)'' Listen to ''that''. Goodness. Boy, he's doing some work, isn't he?
:'''Carl''': Yeah.
:'''Master Shake''': ''(in background)'' I want that higher.
:'''Carl''': Yeah, he builds hot rods, mostly. Sometimes faces.
:'''Meatwad''': Well, we just thank you, Carl. You been real good to us.
:'''Carl''': Yeah, shut up, I need my money now.
:''[Shake comes out covered in a cast. Meatwad and Carl warily look around]''
:'''Master Shake''': Whoa! He's quick and relatively clean! Ya know, this beats the jungle surgery any day; snakes everywhere down there, you can't get rid of them.
:'''Carl''': Oh, I see he sold you on the Tijuana Supremo package.
:'''Master Shake''': Right? Ya know, initially I was skeptical, but once I saw them in his showroom...I mean, come on, you'd be a fool not to get it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meatwad''': You got an assface boy! Am I right?
:'''Frylock''': Well I guess you are right.
:'''Meatwad''': I ain't talkin to you. I'm talkin to assface over here. What do ya think, assface?
:'''Master Shake''': How am I gonna fill the jeans if I don't have an ass?
:'''Meatwad''': You ain't. You need to get a job makin horror movies. ''Return of the Deadly Assface''
:'''Master Shake''': Well fine..
:'''Meatwad''': ''Never Go Back to Assface Lake''
:'''Master Shake''': Well fine, I won't do jean ads, that's simple.
:'''Meatwad''': ''Deadly Assface Lake Camp...''Need to work on that one...
:'''Master Shake''': But I can do underwear right? RIGHT?!
:'''Meatwad''': Flip over shovel ass. You can do a hospital ad. They won't have to use make-up.
:'''Master Shake''': NO! This isn't happening!
:'''Meatwad''': You a sucka!

&lt;hr width+&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

===Super Spore===
:'''Meatwad''': Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey y'all know what would be fun?  If I get in that pool.
:'''Frylock''': And how long has it been since lunch?
:'''Meatwad''': Well... ''(Meatwad ponders)''  Six seconds.
:'''Frylock''': And I just saw you eat 40 hot dogs, didn't I?
:'''Meatwad''': 40?  No, 48.
:'''Frylock''': You have to wait twenty minutes, Meatwad.
:'''Master Shake''': Why don't we let him in now and we'll watch him cramp up and get sucked into the filter and jam it all up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frylock''':  Huh... so he's using Shake as his vessel to communicate with us.
:'''Meatwad''':  Well, I figured that out.  He done got 90 eyes and no mouth.  Where else he gonna talk?  Through his butt?
:'''Frylock''':  Meatwad, he won't have a butt.  I mean most aliens recycle their waste for fuel. ''[Travis starts leaking waste out of his body]'' Obviously, this one doesn't.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frylock''': Shut up, Shake, he's trying to say something!
:'''Master Shake''': I'll tell you what he's trying to say:  &quot;I need somebody to kick me in the ass so I can get the hell off your land!&quot;  That's what you're trying to say, right?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl:''' Hey who's your dead friend? He's dead.
''[Meatwad, Frylock and Travis start leaving]''
:'''Carl:''' Oh what? You're leavin'? What are you doin'?! You haven't even urinated on all of my house yet!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Master Shake''':  Hey, how ya doing?  I think I need to go to the doctor.  Cause I've been losing long, long tracks of time now, and...and I'm starting to get just a little freaked out about the fact that my hand is missing. I can't find it.
:'''Frylock''':  Shake you'll be fine.  That hole in your head will heal up in no time.
:'''Master Shake''':  Hole?  Oh thats great.  I'm sure it was drilled on one of those days I can't remember.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frylock''': Here's five dollars, go see a movie.
:'''Shake''': Motion pictures are ten dollars.
:'''Frylock''': Fine. Here's ten.
:'''Shake''': But what about popped corn?
:'''Frylock''': Whatever, damn. Just go!
:'''Shake''': ''(Mumbles)'' I wonder what's playing-
:'''Frylock''': ''(Getting frustrated)'' Go....
:'''Shake''': Fine. I know when to go. ''(pause)'' Do You know what-
:'''Frylock''': GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Travis is at a job interview]''
:'''Travis''': I would say that perserverance number one aplitude...appitude...attribute! I people person, work good with children. People like me, because I force them to, with violence!
:'''Interviewer''': That's uh... do you have any questions for me?
:'''Travis''': I rule you!
:'''Interviewer''': Well, it was really nice to meet you and I'll let you know in the near future if we start hiring...animals.
:'''Travis''': Thank you, bitch. Suck it dry!

&lt;hr width+&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

===Super Sir Loin===
:'''Sir Loin''': Yo! Is you the little joker that's been bringin' me sand?
:'''Meatwad''': Yes.
:'''Sir Loin''': Man, what you thinkin'? Look here man, what're you, the Sandman or somethin'? C'mon, get it together boy!
:'''Meatwad''': But it's...for the Shorteez, ya know.
:'''Frylock''': It's for the EPA is who it's for.
:'''Sir Loin''': What? Who said that? Man, you bring people over here. You ain't supposed to bring people over here unless they dead. Is he dead? I don't think so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meatwad''': If the Shorteez can't have food, then I ain't gonna have food. You know what I'm sayin'? ''(he throws the sandcakes in the garbage can)'' I do this for the Shorteez, ya'll.
:'''Shake''': Yeah, take it to church, dump it in the collection plate. You know, you're the rudest person I know, and that's why you don't live here anymore. I--
:''(Meatwad takes Shake's breakfast)''
:'''Shake''': Hey! My steak and eggs!
:'''Frylock''': Steak and eggs?!
:'''Meatwad''': This is for the Shorteez.
:'''Frylock''': All I got is a mug of oatmeal!
:'''Shake''': Listen, we're on a budget. What do you want me to do?
:'''Meatwad''': ''(taking Frylock's mug)'' Thank you very much.
:'''Frylock''': Hey, damn it! I was going to eat that.
:'''Meatwad''': Oh, gee whiz, I'm so sorry to inconvenience you while other people in the world don't got nothin' to eat.
:'''Shake''': Thanks for sandin' up my eggs. You know what, just take 'em...when you leave the country. I banish you forevermore!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shake''': Can someone please explain to me what happened to my duckling a l'orange?!
:'''Frylock''': We had duckling a l'orange?
:'''Shake''': You don't even know how to say it, so stop...try it once. No, forget it. You know what? You're gonna try it and then you're gonna screw the name up, and then it's gonna sound disgusting. I won't even want to eat it anymore. Thanks. Thanks for ruining my lunch, which is gone, by the way.
:'''Frylock''': Have you looked in the fridge?
:'''Shake''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, brainstorm! Alert the Internet, I got a genius on my hand... oh, wait a minute. It's already open, 'cause that's where I put it when it was shipped in from Alsace!
:'''Meatwad''': Try looking deep within your heart and ask it where it wanted that duck to go.
:'''Shake''': Down your throat, you bug-eyed freak! You know how much that duck cost?! Higher than you can count!
:'''Frylock''': I'm sorry to say this, but Shake's right Meatwad.  Charity is one thing, but this is getting way out of hand!  I mean, we don't have anything to eat now!
:'''Meatwad''': Well, I don't know about that and I...
:'''Frylock''': (sincerly) DON'T SAY SAND!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sir Loin''': Hey, Satan my man! What's up, man?
:'''Satan''': '''''SHUT UP!!!''''' ''[fire blows Sir Loin away]'' '''''I'M ON THE PHONE HERE!!!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meatwad''': Don't you see Frylock? He's gonna use all that fly spit to melt down the walls of the national bank.
:'''Sir Loin''': That's right.
:'''Meatwad''': He's angry at banks.
:'''Sir Loin''': Hate the bank-- .....''STUPID-ASS MEATBALL MOTHER''-- ''I MELT THE WALLS SO I CAN GET THE MONEY!!!'' To keep up with the payments on this here patio furnature which by the way is broken now 'cause I broke it thank you very much. Ever seen a cow sit on a patio furniture? I ain't! Look at that umbrella, man, I ATE HALF OF IT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meatwad''': Hey, Carl!
:'''Carl''': Oh, great.... you've seen me...
:'''Meatwad''': Hey, you wanna contribute to Sir Loin's hunger drive? We're gonna feed the shorties, y'all.
:'''Carl''': Yeah, lemme see here, I think I've got some... uhhh.... oysters over here. (Horks into the bag of food)
:'''Meatwad''': Oh, thank you
:'''Carl''': Be sure to thank Sir Loin for keeping me up all night!
:'''Meatwad''': Yeah, I'll do that. Hey, I thought that... oysters had shells.
:'''Carl''': Oh, usually, but not these. They were, uh... farm raised.... in my throat.... with cheese. Hey, you want some crabs, 'cause I've got some of them.
:'''Meatwad''': No, no... my bag's pretty full right now.
:'''Carl''': I don't know if they're Alaskan King, but.... they ''feel'' huge

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frylock''': What the hell happened to you??
:'''Sir Loin''': YOU tell me! One minute, I'm going in for a job interview and the next, BOOM, I'm in Hell!
&lt;hr width+&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

===Super Squatter===
:'''Shake''': All right, truth time. Tomorrow morning, you and me, we get those bills paid together.
:'''Frylock''': Shake, tomorrow is Sunday!
:'''Shake''': You're right, church!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The cable goes out as a result of Shake not paying the bills.]''
:'''Frylock''': There goes the cable.
:'''Shake''': Terrorists!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shake''': Look, we've got electricity and we've got each other.
:''[Their power goes out.]''
:'''Shake''': …Look, we've got each other.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meatwad''': Hey, how come the shower ain't workin'?
:'''Shake''': I don't know. Probably maybe something you did to anger God. He's angry with you all right, I remember him telling me that--
:'''Meatwad''': Uh-huh.
:'''Shake''': --at the Last Supper.
:'''Meatwad''': Uh-huh.
:'''Shake''': --Yeah, they had good fish there.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[The power is out because Shake refuses to pay the bill]''
:'''Meatwad''': Has he learned his lesson yet? Please tell me he has, cause this is getting old over here. BLEND!
:'''Frylock''': Look, I'm sure he'll come around and...maybe even learn something. Just give it a few more hours, okay?
:'''Meatwad''': A few hou-?! Look here! I'm getting hungry and thirsty; usually by now, I'd be on my ''fifth'' weenie smoothie, and guess how many I've had? ''Zero.''
:'''Frylock''': ''(smelling the weenies)'' Phew! Well, those weenies are spoiled by now, Meatwad. I mean, the fridge hasn't worked for a whole day.
:'''Meatwad''': Pssh, I don't keep 'em there. I ''age'' them on the windowsill, so that when they get all sticky and slimy and smelling bad, like they's rotting?
:'''Frylock''': Ugh...
:'''Meatwad''': ...that's when they's getting ''good.''
:'''Frylock''': Really.
:'''Meatwad''': Let me go off-topic here for a bit: you know how much protein's in a weenie smoothie?
:'''Frylock''': Um, no.
:'''Meatwad''': Zero. BLEND!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''(as Meatwad is making a weinie smoothie with a lawnmower)''
:'''Frylock''': Meatwad, no!
:'''Shake''': Meatwad, YES!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frylock''': Well I'm just glad that you finally learned some responsibility. ''[goes outside and sees dozens of extension cords hooked up to Carl's house]'' In the most ass way possible.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Carl accidentally shot himself in the foot. Shake is still watching TV]''
:'''Carl''': I didn't think it was loaded, I was just sorta checkin' the barrel there, and...
:'''Shake''': Yeah, and the gun went off in your hand. I know, I was there, I heard. Why do you think I cranked up the volume? You know, hearing does not come back. It degrades over time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Frylock is dragging Carl, who accidentally shot his foot, to the hospital in the Danger Cart]''
:'''Carl''': '''''AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Frylock''': Carl, calm down! We'll be there in a couple of hours, okay?
:'''Carl''': '''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!'''''
&lt;hr width+50%/&gt;

===The Meat Zone===

:'''Dr. Weird''': Gentleman! Who stole my hairairium?!
:'''Steve''': Y-Your what?
:'''Dr. Weird''': My hair helmet!
:'''Steve''': Oh, well. That's right there. On your head.
:'''Dr. Weird''': Oh....BULLSHIT!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Shake:''' I've got something, there's science behind this, and legend.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Meatwad''': '''''DO NOT DRINK THE CHOCOLATE MILK!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
(Frylock shouts in pain)
:'''Frylock''': AHH. Damn Meatwad, Your Grip!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Shake:''' Look, there's only one way get across this street: You close your eyes and just bolt out there with complete disregard for machine.
:'''Meatwad:''' What if I just kept one open, and maybe tried it that way?
:'''Master Shake:''' Yeah, if you think you're going to get somewhere in life by cheating. 
:'''Meatwad:''' Yeah.
:'''Master Shake:''' I mean you may as well paint yourself yellow, run around like a maniac, and call yourself Banana Man, cause that's what you're doing.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Shake''': Hey Donna! How about shoot me in the head!??!?!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Meatwad''': This here's my road when I's in it. And I'm in it.
:'''Frylock''': Who told you that?
:'''Meatwad''': Master Shake.
:'''Master Shake''': Ahem?
:'''Meatwad''': Oh. CAPTAIN Master Shake.
:'''Master Shake''': Of?
:'''Meatwad''': Of Interplanetary...Traffic Safety Squad &amp; Patrol.
:'''Master Shake''': Which units?
:'''Meatwad''': All units.
:'''Master Shake''': Except?
:'''Meatwad''': Except Jupiter and Spain, or unless otherwise noted.
:'''Master Shake''': Good! We're learning something here.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Shake:''' Now what did we learn today?
:'''Meatwad:''' Pedestrian always has the right of way.
:'''Master Shake:''' Yes! Except...
:'''Meatwad:''' When you in the way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Feces is raining down on Carl &amp; Master Shake from their &quot;oil rig&quot;]'' 
:'''Master Shake''': Yeah! We're rich! Black gold, Texas tea!
:'''Carl''': Oh man. Is it supposed to stink like this?
:'''Master Shake''': Yeah, that's why it's called &quot;crude&quot; Carl.
:'''Carl''': ''[angrily]'' No it's not, we hit my septic tank, you jackass!
:'''Master Shake''': Oh. So you're storing extra oil in your septic tank. I'm on to you.
:'''Carl''': You're wearin my dinner!
:'''Master Shake''': Oh gross! You eat corn? I hate cor-''(Carl tackles him)''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Meatwad''': Let me touch your hand.
:'''Master Shake''': I Don't know.
:'''Meatwad''': I'll be gentle as a lamb.
:'''Master Shake''': Fine. Not again.
:'''Meatwad''':(angrily) That works out with weights! 
:'''Master Shake:''' ''[Meatwad touches him]'' '''WHOA''''!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Shake:''' ''[after Meatwad reveals him reading a Butt Frenzy magazine in Frylock's room]'' He knows! He has the gift! ...but he's about to lie to you!

===Super Trivia===
:'''Meatwad''':  It's over Frylock.  We lost again.  Just let it go and accept the truth that we is dumb…dumb as hell.
:'''Shake''':  He's right for the most part.  We got us a superstar.  And we got two albacores that are just ''hangin'' around my neck. 
:'''Frylock''':  Alba''trosses.''
:'''Shake''':  Yep.  It's like the [[w:The Rime of the Ancient Mariner|rhyme of the marinade]] happening all over again.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Frylock''': Oooh. This one's easy.
:'''Meatwad''': No kidding. Put down Backstreet boys.
:'''Shake''': Shh. Meatwad, be quiet.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Frylock''': All right, how're we doin'?
:'''Meatwad''': Fine.
:'''Shake''': No, we're not doing that. My eyes..are thirsty as hell. Who do you think you are?
:'''Frylock''': I'm the only [[w:President of the United States|US President]] to serve 2 non-consecutive terms in the oval office.
:'''Shake''': Then that would make you [[w:Grover Cleveland|Grover Cleveland]] and...why is this comin' out of my mouth?!
:'''Frylock''': Meatwad, how many non-consecutive terms did Grover Cleveland serve?
:'''Meatwad''': I'm fine. Everything's fine like wine.
:'''Frylock''': Why don't we just...unhook you..

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Shake''': I got this thing embedded in my ass!
:'''Frylock''': Oh, shoot, I'm sorry about that.
:'''Shake''': What is it? It looks like an Ethiopian toilet seat.
:'''Frylock''': It's just a basketball hoop.
:'''Shake''': What is this &quot;bas-ket-ball&quot; you speak of?
:'''Frylock''': Oh, hell, I forgot to put sports on the DVD!
:'''Shake''':(scoffs) And what is this &quot;sports&quot; you speak of?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Frylock''': Okay, here's the deal, we're playing team trivia tonight and we need someone who knows sports.
:'''Carl''': Hey, here's a trivia question:  ''Why'' would I wanna do that?
:''[at the bar]''
:'''Carl''': Yeah, the chicks.  Where are they, Fry-man?
:'''Frylock''': Oh, they're in the back…moistening their T-shirts for the…jello wrestling.
:'''Carl''': He-heyy, now you're speakin' my language. He he, I knew you wasn't gay.
:'''Frylock''':  Is that why you're not sitting with the rest of the team, Carl?
:'''Carl''':  What, are you kiddin'?  No, I'm not doin' that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''':  Hey, there's a broad-there's a broad right the-Hey!  Yeah ''you'', dingbat! I wanna pitcher a beer, fried jalapenos, the nachos grande, and, uh, let's start with 50 wings extra hot and keep the ranch comin'. You hear what I ordered? I'm gonna be fartin' blood over here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ned Hastings''': Ladies and gentlemen, turn around and face your trivia doom: Wayne &quot;The Brain&quot; McClane.
:'''Frylock''': You're going down tonight, Wayne. Carl, we need to name our team. Something tough.
:'''Carl''': I turned it in, Fryman. We're good.
:'''Ned Hastings''': And our other...competing squad: the One-Eyed Wonder Weasels and...Their Two Balls.
:'''Carl''': Two balls! ''[laughing]''
:'''Ned Hastings''': Very, very clever guys...nice.
:'''Carl''': You get where I'm goin with that Fryman? You understand the uh, thing...the joke there?
:'''Frylock''': ...Yeah I do, Carl.
:'''Carl''': TONIGHT!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Meatwad''': So it IS grass. I'm eatin' it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Meatwad''': Hey, should we get Shake? 'Cause he's gettin' eaten by aphids.
:'''Frylock''': Nah. He'll get a ride.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Ned Hastings''': When traveling at a subsonic speed during the last one hour of hyper sleep, which vector of the Romulan Nebula will suffer the wrath of the impenetrable quickening? And, for extra points, how many wraths to the nearest molton? Be specific. This is a real question.
:'''Frylock''': Aw, hell.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Carl''': So uh, when are we doin' the sports part here?
:'''Frylock''': We're not. We didn't. It's over. We lost. '''''DID YOUR ASS GET ENOUGH &lt;big&gt;WINGS?!&lt;/big&gt;'''''
:'''Carl''': ''(points to a pile of bones as tall, if not taller, as the booth itself)'' Uh, you tell me. Does this ''look'' like I got enough?!
:'''Meatwad''': Hey Carl, can I... give me your celery?
:'''Carl''': No, I need it for fiber. ''(the music stops)''  '''''I HAVE PROBLEMS!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frylock''': How's that spell?
:'''Shake'''': (while half asleep)Uh, L...e...s...b...i...a...n...
:'''Frylock''':L..e..s..b..i.. Shut up, you're spelling lesbian!
:'''Carl''': (while eating wings) Ha-ha...he said lesbian!

===Universal Remonster===
:'''Frylock''': Shake, he's out of batteries.
:'''Shake''': No, he's being lazy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Oglethorpe''': Put back my eyes so that I might furrow my brow, und express the anger I am feeling!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frylock''' He's dead.
:'''Oglethorpe''': ''IMPOSSIBLE!!!'' The Remonster can only be killed by stabbing him in the heart with the ancient Bone Saber of Zumakalis!
:'''Emory''': Or probably his head or lungs too, just stab him wherever, really.
:'''Oglethorpe''': And the saber probably doesn't have to be bone.
:'''Emory''': Yeah, really, just like anything sharp just laying around the house.
:'''Oglethorpe''': You could poke him with a pillow and kill him.
:'''Frylock''': Or his batteries could've just run out.
:'''Oglethorpe''': AHH! The Remonster is dead, now and forever! [''Frylock unplugs the cable, causing the TV to display only static''] The TV is dead! Death! We are surrounded by it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Oglethorpe''': We have successfully traveled eons across both space and time, through the Fargate......... to get ''FREE CABLE!''
:'''Emory''': I think it's a st- Star...gate....
:'''Oglethorpe''': It's the ''Fargate''! &quot;F&quot;! It's different from that movie that I've never seen, so how would I copy it? 
:'''Emory''': Chill, man. It's all right, let's just turn it on!
:''''Oglethorpe''': I just want to make sure that we are clear it's the Fargate! &quot;Goes far&quot;, get it? And there it is no way it came from that movie, or that syndicated series based on the movie!
:'''Emory''': But.... it sure was a good movie.....
:'''Oglethorpe''': Yeah, yes it was...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Master Shake''': [''attacking the TV''] Who's laughing now, ''bitch''?! Piece of crap cable!
:'''Frylock''': What are you doing?
:'''Master Shake''': Maintenance! Shut up!
:'''Meatwad''': No, no, no.... don't shake it up, let the snow settle! That way you can see the little San Fransisco in there!
:'''Master Shake''': [''enthusiastically''] Well, come here! Let's see if we can see it together!
:'''Meatwad''': Okay!
:'''Master Shake''': [''kicking Meatwad offscreen''] HA! It's not a ''snowglobe'', you ''IGNORAMUS!''
:'''Frylock''': How many TV's have you broken this year?
:'''Master Shake''': A lot more than you have! I'm teaching this object a lesson. If it doesn't want to get hit anymore, it'll straighten up and fly right!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emory''': Why don't we just...uhhhh....what if we just call him the Universal Remobot? I mean, he is a robot...
:'''Oglethorpe''': But Remonster is his name, it's branding!
:'''Emory''': This whole monster kinda thing feels a little tacked on, actually.
:'''Oglethorpe''': I mean, the T-shirts say &quot;Universal Remonster&quot;, not &quot;Universal Piece of Crap&quot;, like you say!
:'''Emory''': Oh, wow, you made T-shirts! That's cool.
:'''Oglethorpe''': Yeah, let me go get you one! ''[Holds up a t-shirt with a character resembling a Powerpuff Girl]''
:'''Emory''': Wow, is that a Powerpuff Girl or something?
:'''Oglethorpe''': No! Can you not see? She has a mohawk and a wheelchair! We are NOT getting sued! Where's the Universal Remonster? I want him to have a baby-T and a visor!
:'''Emory''': Oh, man.... I think he went through the Starga-
:'''Oglethorpe''': It is a ''FARGATE!'' From the makers of Findependence Day! We will give it a mohawk and a wheelchair if you need help!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tv puppet''': Lean to your left!
:'''Meatwad''': Okay ''(leans left)''
:'''Tv puppet''': Lean to your right!
:'''Meatwad''': Right! ''(leans right)''
:'''Tv puppet''': Lean to your left!
:'''Meatwad''': Oh, over here? ''(leans further right)''
:'''Tv puppet''': Uh-uh, that's your right!
:'''Meatwad''': Awww, damn it!
:'''Tv puppet''': Now lean to your right!
:'''Meatwad''': Like this? ''(leans even further right)''
:'''Tv puppet''': Hey, you got it right!
:'''Meatwad''': [''Falls over''] All right, cool.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frylock''': Okay, Meatwad, that's good.
:'''Meatwad''': I never get tired of hearing that
:'''Frylock''': ''(floating near the TV chair)'' Now what's this over here? ''(gestures on the right side)''
:'''Meatwad''': That's a chair.
:'''Frylock''': No, I mean is it left, or is it right?
:'''Meatwad''': Well, ''it's a chair'', and it's right over there!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frylock''': Look, you don't need TV, it just ends up owning you. Next time you get bored try reading a book.
:'''Oglethorpe''': We have no need to read. Behold! The mohawk of eternity!
:''[Reveals the &quot;Fargate&quot; that has been embellished with a Mohawk and wheelchair]''
:'''Frylock''': You guys are high!
:'''Oglethorpe''': No. Dude.
:'''Emory''': What? Are you cool, man?
:'''Oglethorpe''': Yeah, are you cool?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emory''': ''[Is struck with a lamp]'' Ow! ''DAMN!'' You hit me in the chin!
:'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were a ghoul.
:'''Emory''': Well I'm not.
:'''Oglethorpe''': Well, it was your own damn fault for making sounds like one.
:'''Emory''': Dude, I was flushing the toilet!
:'''Oglethorpe''': Ghouls do that. When they're making ''brownies''! Shhh! Do you hear that? He's in the attic now! Quick, grab a kitchen knife!
:'''Emory''': Uh, the kitchen is IN the attic..
:'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, great! Now he has ze knife!

&lt;hr width+50%/&gt;
:'''Frylock''': Yep, I think it's about time we invested in a high definition plasma screen.
:'''Meatwad''': I thought you said TV was bad.
:'''Frylock''': It is. But we fucking need it!

===Total Re-Carl===

:'''Dr Weird''' ''(on answering machine):'' Gentlemen, You have reached Dr. Weird's residence...NOW SPEAK AT THE TONE! ''(beep).''
:'''Voice''' ''(on answering machine):'' Hi, uh, Dr. Wired, Wi-ehrd,Weird...&quot;
:'''Dr Weird''' ''(in person):'' Steve?  Send the phone spiders!
:'''Voice''' ''(on answering machine):'' We have a new long distance package featur-- SPIDERS!!  AAAAAHHH!
:'''Dr Weird''' ''(in person):'' I guess we're not interested!  Muah, haah haah haah, haaah!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Frylock''': We also made you a care package for your little adventure.
:'''Carl''': Oh boy, fiber tablets. Yum yum.
:'''Frylock''': Yeah, dip them in the stool softener. I mean it's, it's delicious.
:''[long pause.]''
:'''Frylock''': There's espresso there, too, if you-
:'''Carl''': '''''Leave!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Thanks to Master Shake, Carl has a dead black man's body]''
:'''Master Shake''': This is not a time for you to be picky, Carl. That's all you can get when you go to the West End.
:'''Carl''': [''arms start beating up Carl''] Get it off, rip it off. What am I doing, oh God!
:'''Frylock''': Oh no! The body's rejecting the head!
:'''Carl''': Oh, ya think?! Get it off me!
:'''Frylock''': Hold on!
:'''Meatwad''': So.. did it work?
:'''Master Shake''': Of course it worked!
:'''Frylock''': No it didn't!
:'''Master Shake''': Of course it worked not at all. Which is what I was trying to say, before I was so rudely interrupted.
:'''Frylock''': Take this body back, and not through town!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Frylock has put Carl's head on a robotic body.]''
:'''Frylock''': I give you the ultimate in military hardware!  Complete with laser cannon, indestructible titanium exoskeleton, and motion activated plasma pulse rifles.  
:'''Master Shake''': And you're gonna plug him in?!
:'''Frylock''': You're right.  Damn, what the hell was I thinking?
:'''Meatwad''': Fudge!
:'''Frylock''': That's not an F-bomb.
:'''Meatwad''': Fart you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Carl's head is mounted on a remote controlled truck and it keeps ramming into Frylock's computer desk.]''
:'''Carl''': Turn it left, turn it left! I keep hittin' the same spot.  Look, you're gonna break my friggin' nose!
:'''Frylock''': Sorry Carl, I still haven't gotten used to the...
:'''Carl''': Just give me the damn thing!
:'''Frylock''': This switch makes it go left and right, and this switch is power.  
:'''Carl''': Which lever sort of turns me to the lawyer, ''[      ]'' and makes me sue the hell out of you?!
:'''Frylock''': All right, easy Carl. Don't make me have to shut the power off.
:'''Carl''': ''[terrified]'' D-d-d-don't do that. Just sorta put it on my chin. I'll frickin' steer it with my tongue. ''[his tongue is made out of glass and pushes the controller off]''
:'''Frylock''': That may not work. Let's just get Meatwad to drive ya home. Meatwad!
:''[Meatwad enters with the robot body that Frylock made earlier holding Shake in his vice grip]'' 
:'''Master Shake''': Get him off me, please!!!
:'''Meatwad''': Yes?
:'''Master Shake''': I didn't mean it! Everything I say about you, I mean about myself!
:'''Meatwad''': Shut up, boy, I make it worse!
:'''Frylock''': Not in the house!!
:''[Outside, Meatwad throws Shake up into the air]''
:'''Master Shake''': No-no-no-no I need to live!!!
:'''Meatwad''': Zone in-target.
:'''Meatwad's Body''': Target locked in.
:''[Meatwad's missiles explode on Shake]''
:'''Meatwad''': Got him! Fart you, butthole!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Master Shake''': We don't need a toilet.  The pile of clothes in the hallway has worked fine for us for years, and it will continue to work.
:'''Meatwad''': I don't know whose clothes that is, but, someone ain't wearin' that again, I tell you that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Master Shake''': If I woke up lookin' like that, I would run towards the nearest living thing and kill it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Frylock''': Carl, did you lose somethin' behind the couch?
:'''Carl''': Yeah, I did!  I lost peace and quiet!  What do you need?!  What do you want?!  Can I not just live here without having to occasionally deal with you animals?!
:'''Frylock''': Well, yeah, it's your house.
:'''Carl''': That's right it is.
:'''Frylock''': And look what I just added to it!
:'''Carl''': (Frylock opens Carl's door to reveal his &quot;Super-Toilet&quot; out in the front yard) Oh, nice. A crapper!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Carl''': ''(translated via computer)'' Oh man, I swear to fucking God Fry-man. I'm so fucking pissed right now. Oh, and by the way I hope you enjoy eating your own shit, because I'm about to rip your motherfucking throat out, and shove it so far up your ass, that you'll have to fart to fucking breathe, fucker.
:'''Meatwad''': Is that an F?... He's droppin' F-bombs over here!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Schooly D''': Man, I ain't tryin' to watch Carl take no criznap, baby.

&lt;hr width+50%/&gt;

===Revenge of the Trees===
:'''Steve:''' ''[impersonating Dr. Weird]'' Gentlemen!  Fill me with barbecue  sauce because I'm dumb as hell!  ''[a door behind him begins to open, an android speaking in Spanish is trying to warn him of Dr. Weird's giant head behind him]''  Yeah I know Javier.  ''[Dr. Weird's head bites off Steve's head making him bleed on Javier causing him to explode]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Okay, have a crappy weekend. Hope your house burns down.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frylock''': Look what do you call it when he...when he wants to get out of this?
:'''Tree Judge''': Oh that's the sweet release of death...yeah...'''''EVISCERATION BY A THOUSAND BRANCHES OF A MIGHTY OAK!!!'''''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Master Shake''': ''(trying to imitate tree)'' Typical! Filthy humans! You have no respect for us trees! 
:'''Shrub''': He ripped my arms off!
:'''Master Shake''': Shut up! I didn't rip them!
:'''Frylock''': Shake, you're making it worse!
:'''Master Shake''': Go back to your &quot;Strip Malls!&quot;....where values are king....
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meatwad''': Have you seen my wife?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tree Judge''': ''(having an aside conversation)'' I have been on the bench for 100 years, I'm not going to look stupid here, Ray.
:'''Tree Stenographer''': We know...We know you've been there 100 years, we all know that.
:'''Tree Judge''': Well, look it up!
:'''Tree Stenographer''': Like, no. You look it up. The book's always...I always have to get it.
:'''Tree Judge''': Okay. Umm...we don't know...we're trees!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tree Judge''': How old is the defendant?
:'''Frylock''': He's uhhhh..... twenty-one!
:'''Tree Judge''': ''TWENTY-ONE?!?''
:'''Master Shake''': (to Frylock) ''Eighteen''! 
:'''Frylock''': How 'bout eighteen?
:'''Tree Judge''':............. ''EIGHTEEN?!?''
:'''Master Shake''': No wait, sixteen
:'''Tree Stenographer''': Umm, I think he's sixteen, ok?
:'''Tree Judge''': We shall find his age! '''''CUT HIM IN HALF! COUNT HIS RINGS!!!'''''
:'''Master Shake''': Okay! I'm an adult! Okay, it's fine!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tree Judge''':Wood Court is now in session.  If you do not have a lawyer, this shrub will be appointed for you. 
:'''Shrub''': Guilty! Guilty! My clients plead guilty!
:'''Master Shake''': Shut up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tree Judge''': Please note Exhibit A: on the wooden video, you will clearly see the accused dumping the oil!
:'''Master Shake''': Frylock, I'm telling you, that's not me in that video....because that's ''nothing''! There's ''nothing'' up there! What the hell is th- this is ''bark''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tree Stenograper''': Is the defendant a minor?
:'''Master Shake''': (to Frylock) Daddy!  Daddy, you're home from your business trip!  And you're sober!
:'''Frylock''': Shake...
:'''Master Shake''': Mommy moved to the city with Mommy's friend Jerry!  And he tried to hit me, Daddy!  Not like you do, in an extra-mean way...
&lt;hr width+50%/&gt;

===Spirit Journey Formation Anniversary===
:'''Meatwad''': Frylock, I'm friends with a toilet paper tube, an apple, and a box. I'm crazy in the head.
:'''Boxy Brown''': Well, you gonna dis me boy, dis me to my face!
:'''Meatwad''': Boxy, please, don't take it like that.
:'''Boxy Brown''': Well how'm I ''supposed'' to take it, then?!
:'''Meatwad''': We just wanna celebrate my birthday with some cake-
:'''Boxy Brown''': Ah, I don't want no cake, I want me some ''pie''! ''[with a chuckle]'' You understand what I'm sayin'?
:'''Meatwad''': No sir.
:'''Boxy Brown''': Well let me break it down: You know when you're in the shower with some fine foxy hoochi-Mama, and she got dat-''[his voice becomes inaudible to us as the perspective shifts to outside Meatwad's]''
:'''Meatwad''': ''[a pause]'' ...What?!
:'''Frylock''': Uh, Meatwad.
:'''Meatwad''': ''[to Boxy Brown]'' Well, I don't know if I believe that. I mean I seen action figures without the pants, they ain't got that.
:'''Frylock''': Uh, Meatwad.
:'''Meatwad''': ''[to Frylock]'' Shh, he is talkin' here!
:'''Frylock''': Oh, well I didn't mean to interrupt, but-
:'''Meatwad''': Watch out! He's got a knife!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Shake''': You can't have birth without death.  It's the duplicitous edge which we all walk upon.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Shake''': I am responsible for the paradigm shift in birthdays and how they will be viewed in following centuries.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Shake''': ''(to Meatwad)'' Say it!  How many years are you?!
:'''Frylock''': ''(to Meatwad)'' Just say how old you are, Meatwad.
:'''Meatwad''': ''(pause)'' ....I don't know.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Shake''': Gee-wilikers. It must be obvious day on camp stupid. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Meatwad''': Can I blow out the candles now? There's just wax all over my cake.
:'''Master Shake''': Of course, it's your birthday...but you gotta cough up the royalties first.
:'''Frylock''': How much did that cost you, Shake?
:'''Master Shake''': ''(exasperated)'' (Yawns) So tired of people in the private sector- Look, every business has an initial investment, okay? Everybody have birthdays and they all need to sing.
:'''Frylock''': HOW MUCH...did it cost?
:'''Master Shake''': ''(sighs, grabs ledger)'' Well, I guess we'll start with travel. Zach, as you well know, traveled by a train of white stallions...which I had to buy ''and'' feed... and of course, you know the snow machine-
:'''Frylock''': ''(grabs ledger)'' Give me that. ''1.4 million dollars?!''
:'''Master Shake''': The money is going to roll right in. D'you know how many birthdays there are in a year? There are hundreds. Literally...''hundreds.''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Schooly D''': Shake Zula ain't got no business in business!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Zakk Wylde''': Is Milkshake here? 
:'''Frylock''': No, no, no.... I mean.
:'''Zakk Wylde''': The beating I'm about to inflict upon him is going to be indescribable.  
:'''Meatwad''': He's in the back. Go ahead and get 'em!
:'''Zakk Wylde''': Allright, thanks. Nice place, by the way. (sees Shake hiding in the back) Hey, I see ya!
:'''Master Shake''': Zakk, my man! I've been looking all over- thank God you stopped by! (Zakk lifts up his guitar, pointing the &quot;axe&quot; end toward shake's head) No, no.... ''PUT THAT DOWN!'' (Zakk lodges the axe between Shake's eyes) ''AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!! GOD!!!!''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Homeless Man''': ''(mumbling)'' I'm seeing trees! I'll take care of it.... I'm a tree..... I'm a tree wizard!
:'''Master Shake''': Hey, that is great! Come on in, I've got a tray of muffins....
:'''Homeless man''': Muffins! ''(grabs the tray of muffins)''
:'''Master Shake''': One, take ''ONE!'' ''(grabs the tray from him)''
:'''Homeless man''': Tree wizard will be six dollars and forty-eight cents! ''(mumbles)''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Shake''': Kids are comin' to see the Black Mountain Scorpion Hoedown Blugrass Experience Gang, featuring Zakk Wylde on washtub bass.  Zakk, did we not do the soundcheck?
:''[Zakk throws the bass at Shake]''
:'''Zakk Wylde''':  No, jackass, I'm not working with any plastic scorpions.  These things are beyond gay.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Zakk Wylde''': Why did I even get wasted and work with you?  I mean, this isn't even a microphone.  It's a stick with a marshmallow on it.
:'''Master Shake''': The room is intimate.  Just project.
:'''Zakk Wylde''': Project what?!  I don't even know what the fuck you're talking about!
:'''Master Shake''': You gotta go from the diaphragm.
:'''Zakk Wylde''': I mean I was fuckin' wasted when we recorded it!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Shake''': Hey, Zakk Mild, let's kick it up a notch. What do you want, a drink? You need some pills? Want me to get some bitches?

&lt;hr width+50%/&gt;

===The Shaving===
:'''Master Shake''': (Willie throws the TV out the window) HEY! That was my window to the world!
:'''Willie Nelson (the monster)''': Well now it's been shattered by the monster. Pretty scary, right?
:'''Master Shake''': No! Whats that word that's the exact opposite of scary?
:'''Meatwad''': Tacos?
:'''Master Shake''': Taco?! Where?! Get outta my way, those are mine I made them!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Meatwad''': There's a monster? ''In the attic?!''
:'''Willie Nelson''': Yeah... um, I was driven here by the villagers... when I was doing 30 in a 25... and, uhm, I guess when I say villagers, it's more like this one guy... I really didn't know him.. but- eh, I ''knew him'', but it's not like we were buds or anything.
:'''Master Shake''': Do you want him to repeat that?
:'''Frylock''': No, I heard it.
:'''Master Shake''': ''(disdainfully)'' Well, thanks for joining us, now.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Shake''': You are the gayest monster since gay came to Gaytown!
:'''Willie Nelson''': Whoa! Easy! Where's this coming from?
:'''Master Shake''': No! Let's get down to it. What I say is very baffling!
:'''Frylock''': ''(Pulling Shake away from Willie)'' Hey, whoa you two. We don't want any trouble here, alright?
:'''Willie Nelson''': No I'm with you. I don't think violence solves anything.
:'''Master Shake''': God, you're gay!  You don't think violence solves anything?!  What kind of monster are you, anyway?!
:'''Willie Nelson''': Look, I'm-- I'm pretty hardcore. I mean, I've been known to do a number on plenty of guys.
:'''Master Shake''': Do a number? Yeah, I bet you do a number in your tights on broadway..which is where ya moved to after ya left Texas Chainsaw Mascara where you're from!
:'''Willie Nelson''': What's he talking about?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Shake''': You wanna see how to scare the neighbor? Check this out.
:''[Shake rings the doorbell and runs away.]''
:'''Carl''': ''[answering]'' What?
:'''Master Shake''': Hey, catch!
:'''Meatwad''': ''[thrown at Carl]'' Hey Carl.
:'''Carl''': ''[knocked to the floor]'' Aaaah! Get him off, get him off, get him off...
:'''Willie Nelson''': Cool, can I try that?
:'''Master Shake''': No. Only I can do that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Master Shake''': [''To Frylock''] Great, look who just ruined Halloween…You know you're like the A-bomb, everyone's laughing having a good time and you show up ''BOOM!'' Everything's dead!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Willie is getting ready to scare Carl]''
:'''Carl''': ''WHAT?!!''
:'''Willie Nelson''': Uh...
:'''Carl''': What do you want?!
:'''Meatwad''': Yeah, what do you want?
:'''Willie Nelson''': [''forgetting his lines''] Uh...what are you doing here?
:'''Carl''': I live here, asshole!
:'''Meatwad''': And I'm just visiting.
:'''Willie Nelson''': Well, listen, did you get any of my mail? Willie Nelson?
:'''Meatwad''': Hang on, lemme look.
:'''Carl''': Eat me.
:''[slams door]''
:'''Willie Nelson''': If it shows up, bring it over. If you dare. God, I suck.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Willie''': Wait, so, are we trying to scare him or are we trying to kill him?
:'''Master Shake''': Killing is scaring.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[introducing Carl to Willie Nelson the monster]''
:'''Meatwad''': Hey, Carl!
:'''Carl''': Who's this, your frickin' mother?!
:'''Willie Nelson''': No, Carl. It's your neighbor, Willie Nelson. I got chased here by the villagers. 
:'''Meatwad''': Well, villag''er''...
:'''Carl''': Yeah, that's a great story. See ya.
:''[slams door]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shake''':''[to Willie Nelson]'' '''''BLOODFEAST ISLAND PANSY!'''''

&lt;hr width =&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Willie Nelson''': Nice head; I think I'll take it.

&lt;hr width =&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frylock''': What's up with the razor?
:'''Willie Nelson''': Oh, well, I shave once every couple days. It's nerve-wracking. It's supposed to be.
:'''Shake''': Well, it's not.
:'''Meatwad''': [''horrified''] You shave up there?!

&lt;hr width =&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frylock''': Don't mind me, I'm just a sailor on shore leave... from the Ship of the Damned!! Muah hah hah.
:'''Meatwad''': Okay.
:'''Frylock''': You know, the Ship of the Damned?
:'''Meatwad''': Nuh uh.
:'''Frylock''': Famous short story about a ship that had a hole in it?
:'''Meatwad''': No.
:'''Master Shake''': Yeah, just go put on your ballerina shoes get the rest of the outfit, be who you really are...Dr. Zhivago. Yeah, you suck.
:'''Frylock''': I'll just go get the candy, okay?
:'''Meatwad''': He's gettin' candy!
:'''Master Shake''': I got ten bucks says he's wearin' women's panties under that.
:'''Meatwad''': ... Under what?
:'''Master Shake''':I know what I said, Meatwad!

&lt;hr width =&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Master Shake''': Now remember: You have NO regard for human life, especially women, because they have the organs that you wish that YOU had! So you want to make a suit from them.
:'''Willie Nelson''': I don't wanna make a suit!
:'''Master Shake''': Listen to me, that's how it's done. All you concern yourself with is KILL KILL KILL!!! You GOT IT?! None of this &quot;the shaving, the shaving&quot; crap! Cause it's throwing you off! And Who is gonna stop you ANYWAY?! You're immortal!
:'''Willie Nelson''': Are you sure? I-I-That doesn't sound right.
:'''Master Shake''': Please uh, do me another favor. Lose the shaving. Monsters don't groom themselves! THEY'RE FREAKING MANIACS! UUUUHH!!

&lt;hr width+50%/&gt;

===Broodwich===
:'''Shake''': Doesn't matter cause I ain't picking those up.
:'''Meatwad''': Well it's all your bull crap. All them Battlestar Earth plastic drink cups.
:'''Skake''': Don't you touch those! They're in mint condition, and they're going to stay that way.
:'''Meatwad''': I'll touch them all the way to the trash, that's what I'll do.
:'''Shake''': You do that and your GI Joes are gonna be MIA my friend. Then who's gonna call, little mama joe, and tell her that her boy ain't comin' home, because someone fell asleep on guard duty!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Meatwad''': If anybody needs me...I'll be outside...with the shovel, sucka!
:'''Master Shake''': Oh no, you don't!  That bullion is mine!
:[''Shake rushes outside and begins digging; Frylock and Meatwad watch from inside'']
:'''Meatwad''': Look at him. He dumb as hell.
:'''Frylock''': He sure is, Meatwad. He sure is.
:[''Later, Frylock comes outside to see Shake has dug a massive hole in the front yard; fire and water are spraying from a breached gas and water line'']
:'''Frylock''': No, no, no, NO!
:'''Shake''': I know! The stupid pirates must have buried it under the gas line!
:'''Frylock''': I told you ''fourteen inches''!
:'''Shake''': You tell me a ''lot'' of things! But that doesn't mean that I have to ''listen''!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Frylock''': Oh my God!  Shake?
:'''Master Shake''': Oh my God, Frylock, ''WHAT?!''  Why's everything gotta be a federal case with you?...yeah, you heard what I said!  I said it!

&lt;hr width = 50%/&gt;
:'''Frylock''': Oh my God! That is no ordinary sandwich, Shake.
:'''Master Shake''': Oh my God, oh my- do you ever have anything good to say? It's a free sandwich.
:'''Frylock''': It's not a sandwich at all, Shake. IT'S THE BROODWICH.
:''[dramatic music]''
:'''Meatwad''': The blue witch?
:'''Frylock''': No, the Broodwich Meatwad, Broodwich.
:'''Meatwad''': Wait... wait, say what?
:'''Frylock''': '''BROODWICH!'''
:'''Meatwad''': [[w:The Blair Witch Project|The Blair Witch]] is here?!
:'''Frylock''': No Meatwad, the Brood..WICH!
:'''Master Shake''': I'll tell you what it is friends. It's shut up and let me eat it.

&lt;hr width = 50%/&gt;
:'''Frylock''': ''[explaining how he's heard of the broodwich]'' I read a very disturbing article about this sandwich in...the Bible.
:'''The Voice''': No, you probably saw our piece in [[w:Vogue (magazine)|Vogue]]?
:'''Frylock''': I doubt it, I don't read that...
:'''The Voice''': Heidi Klum was on the cover. You know, the Broodwich issue.
:'''Frylock''': Okay, yes. It was Vogue.
:'''Master Shake''': You read all this in VOGUE!?
:'''The Voice''': Our PR department is ''awesome''.
:'''Master Shake''': That's a girl magazine! I hope you were at the dentist, Frylock!
:'''Frylock''': ''[embarrassed]'' I... It just comes to the house.
:'''Master Shake''': Of course it comes, WHEN YOU ORDER IT, YOU BIG, FAT, LADY!
:'''Meatwad''': Heh heh! Someone down there's a girl!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''The Voice''': It is the Broodwich.  Forged in darkness from wheat harvested in Hell's half-acre.  Baked by Beelzebub.  Slathered with mayonnaise from the evil eggs of dark chicken forces beaten into sauce by the hands of a one-eyed madman.  Cheese boiled from the rancid teat of a fanged cow.  Layered with 666 separate meats from an animal, which has maggots for '''''BLOOD!'''''
:'''Frylock''': See?  Told ya.
:'''Master Shake''': ''[pause]'' I tasted mustard.
:'''The Voice''':  ...Yeah, Dijon mustard.
:'''Master Shake''': How come no bacon?
:'''The Voice''': Bacon is extra!
:'''Master Shake''': You call this a sandwich and you don't even have bacon on it!
:'''The Voice''': There are no swine evil enough to be sacrificed upon a bed of evil!  … And lettuce.  Bed of evil and lettuce!

&lt;hr width = 50%/&gt;
:'''Master Shake''': Are you that guy that keeps tellin' me to beware?  'cause I'll tell you where to be...out of my sight!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Shake''': I haven't paid taxes in six years.. I am not gettin' busted by a sandwich!
:'''The Voice''': Then you must find another with an appetite for insanity.
:'''Shake''': Hey. You're dumb. Eat this.
:'''Meatwad''': I heard what that boy said; I ain't eating jack.
:'''Shake''': You're gonna let this guy scare you? How bad could it possibly be?
:'''The Voice''': It's a world of skinless, blood-soaked nightmares clattering from the deep and clattering for the meat of the guilty.
:'''Shake''': Oh, come on. The guy's just jealous. Go on. woof it down, dog.
:'''Meatwad''': Well I don't know, I mean, is the mayonnaise fat-free?
:'''Shake''': You're a dog.
:'''Meatwad''': 'Cause, you know, it's not the calories that get you, man. It's the saturated fats.
:'''Shake''':[''stuffs Meatwad's mouth with the Broodwich''] Woof it, you mutt.
:'''Frylock''': Meatwad, no!
[''Meatwad gets sent to Hell'']
:'''Shake''': Hey, did you hear what I called him? He can't do jack about it. [''Meatwad reappears from Hell''] Hey! How'd ya like Mr Sticks?! He was a real treat, wasn't he?
:'''Meatwad''': Yeah.. Jerry said you guys had a little run in, but he's a decent guy, I mean, once you get to know him.
:'''Shake''': Bull crap! I know that guy was all over you with his axe!
:'''Meatwad''': Nah, that don't sound like Jerry. Now, the Jerry I know took me to Merry Christmas...which is a strip club...Merry Triple X-mas.. You see what I'm saying? You see what I'm saying?!
:'''Shake''': Gimme that sandwich!!
[''Shake quickly eats the Broodwich and been sent to hell'']
:'''Frylock''': Wow, so you're saying it was fun?
:'''Meatwad''': Hell no!  That son of a bitch had an axe!
[Cut to hell, where Shake appears next to two stick-men]
:'''Jerry''': So, I don't know, she’s like, “move your skulls to the basement, because I got these drapes...” I didn’t get that, I’m like, “Honey, this is work.”
:'''Stick Man 2''': Are you serious?
:'''Jerry''': I can’t put ‘em in the fucking basement, I mean, and she’s like, you know, “Can you put a tarp over them, also?”  And I just felt like...NO! I’m not... god damn it! 
:'''Stick Man 2''': I got one at home just like it.  And I got a kid now, and so…
:'''Jerry''': That’s a whole other set of bullshit, I’m sure.
:'''Stick Man 2''': So, Cathy puts the co-sleeper right next to my preserved brain collection, and she wants me to move them cause she thinks it’s not hygienic.
:'''Jerry''': I don’t understand how there’s a lack of appreciation for that...backlight coming through the glass of the jars that the brains are in.  I mean, it just looks cool.
:'''Stick Man 2''': You’ve seen that?
:'''Jerry''': Why move it?  That’s the point of putting it next to the window.
:'''Stick Man 2''': Right.
:'''Jerry''': And I’m sure you’ve explained that to Cathy, but she obviously doesn’t get that.
:'''Stick Man 2''': Yeah. Yeah, there’s no... yeah, I can’t even argue with her.
:'''Jerry''': Ugh,  it’s fuckin' ridiculous. 
:'''Stick Man 2''': If I want to move the bed... ''(sees Shake)'' Hey. Hey, isn’t that that guy?
:'''Master Shake''': And what's with the toilet seat, right?
:'''Jerry''':-Oh what the fuck!?!
[''Jerry begins to chase Shake, wielding an axe'']
:'''Master Shake''': Jerry, no!  We're cool!  We're cool, man!

===Kidney Car===
[Shake has a trophy]
:'''Shake''': Oh, sweetness.
:'''Frylock''': Hey, Shake, whatcha got there?
:'''Shake''': No, do not get near this.
:'''Frylock''': Well, what is it?
:'''Shake''': Just the fruits of victory. I wouldn't expect you to know anything about it, being a loser.
:'''Frylock''': The shake 'em up finals? 
:'''Shake''': Yeah, I won 'Participant'
:'''Frylock''': Shake, don't tell me you used the Danger Cart in some demolition derby.
:'''Shake''': Hell no, I got my own wheels.
[''Carl Knocks on the door'']
:'''Carl''': Hey, open up, or I'm opening it for you.
:'''Shake''': [''Leaving''] Well, you know the drill.
:'''Frylock''': Drill? No, I don't. [''Opens the door''] Hey.. Carl.. how you doin' man?
:'''Carl''': Take a look at that.
[''Carl's Car is completely totaled'']
:'''Frylock''': Ooo. Hey, Carl. This is pretty boss man. Where'd you get those graphics done?
:'''Carl''': Thank you, I didn't frickin' do it.
:'''Frylock''': Well, then why are you showin' it to me?
:'''Carl''': Someone stole it, raced it, and brought it back!
:'''Frylock''': Oh, well, I mean, you did call the police, right?
:'''Carl''': Heh, heh, yeah, good one. Oh, I never thought of that. No they, they stopped takin' my calls like, long ago.
:'''Frylock''': Well, uh, we're kinda not...detectives anymore. I mean, that wasn't making us a whole lotta money.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Frylock is explaining what's wrong with the car to Meatwad.]''
:'''Frylock''': The radiator's split, the tranny's shot, the wheels are melted, the crankshaft somehow found its way into the woofer in the back, and all the fluids are in the floorboard!
:'''Meatwad''': Nah it ain't. This just the soft-drink machine. 
:'''Frylock''': They're fluids, Meatwad!
:'''Meatwad''': Soft drink's a fluid.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Meatwad walks out of the house with braided hair.]''
:'''Meatwad''': No, sir. But now we got us a mail-order telemarket business. Ultra Mega Braid. Carl, I see you're noticing my braids.
:'''Carl''': No, I'm not.
:'''Meatwad''': Did you know that you can have braids just like this? With Ultra Mega Braid!
:'''Frylock''': Carl, you wanna try one out?
:'''Carl''': No.
:'''Frylock''': We could do your shoulders.
:'''Meatwad''': They come in seven different colors, and you could add decorative beads and glitter. Make your own, unique Ultra Mega Braid!
:'''Frylock''': 3.99.
:'''Carl''': Hey, kiss my Ultra Mega Ass!
:''[Carl walks away.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meatwad''': Are you depressed? Has our interest rates got you down? My name is Meatwad, and today I'm here to offer you a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Sell your organs! ''LIVE!'' Over the Internet! Get money back on your baby! That don't sound right. Where's my sheet?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frylock''': You know, you don't really need kidneys.
:'''Meatwad''': I know it's shallow, but hey, I want some. It's a status thing. That's what separates the men from the animals.
:'''Frylock''': Actually, Meatwad, animals have kidneys, too.
:'''Meatwad''': Well, animals ain't got no job working for the city.
:'''Frylock''': Neither do you.
:'''Meatwad''': Yeah, well...damn! You burned me. I got nothing. ''[to Carl]'' So back off my car and hold your roll.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! Ease off the pedal there, Jeff Gordon. I am keeping the graphics.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Meatwad is hitting the engine of the Hotwad with a plastic saw.]''
:'''Meatwad''': Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Okay, that should do it. Okay now, when I say &quot;crank it&quot;, you do whatever it is people do when they're told to do that.
:'''Boxy Brown''': Uh-uh! I ain't hearin' that. See, you askin', or you tellin'? 'Cause nobody tells Boxy Brown!
:'''Meatwad''': Boxy, this isn't a big deal. I mean, I'm just asking a favor. Now if you remember, I helped you move your grandma to the home, and that was my day off.
:'''Boxy Brown''': Oh, that was no grandma, boy. That was a grocery bag.
:'''Meatwad''': But you just a box.
:'''Boxy Brown''': ''[extremely angry]'' I just a what, bitch?!
:'''Meatwad''': Y-You Duke of New York. You're A Number 1.
:'''Boxy Brown''': ''[shouts]'' You say that louder, boy!
:'''Meatwad''': ''''YOU DUKE OF NEW YORK A NUMBER ONE!''''
:'''Boxy Brown''': He-he-he-he-he. Yeah!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shake brings a plastic drill to Meatwad who is using a plastic saw to fix his car. Shake drops the drill and it explodes.]''
:'''Shake''': Get out of there! What, are you trying to break it?! ''[looks down at crater left by exploded drill]'' It's not metric?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meatwad''' ''[recounting a mechanic's appraisal of the car]'': He said that the hobbit, that turns the crank case is depressed, and needs therapy. We need to get us a new hobbit. They's from the land beyond time, land beyond time's also gonna hook us up with a unicorn for the radiator, I ain't even gonna tell you bout that haunted air condition. Then that air filter, that's made of plutonium, that's gonna require Superman, so, you know, plus shippin' from Krypton.  Then the cow, jumped over the moon...
:'''Frylock''': Is this what he told you or...how you heard it?
:'''Meatwad''' You should look at it yourself. I don't even know anymore.
:'''Frylock''': Wow, he really did write all that. What an asshole.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Frylock''': Okay, now crank it.
:'''Meatwad''': Okay, here I go. ''(pause)'' You ready?
:'''Frylock''': Yeah. 
:'''Meatwad''': ''(pauses again)'' Ready now?
:'''Frylock''': ''READY!''
:'''Meatwad''': Here it comes.
:'''Frylock''': Okay. ''(pause)'' Come on, Meatwad, I'm ready.
:'''Meatwad''': You ready for it?
:'''Frylock''': '''''I'M READY ALREADY! JUST DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Meatwad''': Okay, don't get mad at me. ''(turns on the radio)'' How's that sound? Do you like that song?
:'''Frylock''': I meant &quot;turn the key.&quot;
:'''Meatwad''': I did! This is Key: K-104, Jersey's kickin' country!
:'''Frylock''': The key to the ignition, Meatwad!
:'''Meatwad''': ''(turns off radio)'' I'm turnin' it!
:'''Frylock''': That's the steering wheel!
:'''Meatwad''': I'm goin' left.
:'''Frylock''': ''[sighs]'' But you're turning to the right!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Meatwad''': Go to Mach 1, engage warp speed. I'm late for work. ''[makes engine noises]''
:''[Frylock and Shake are watching Meatwad from the house]''
:'''Frylock''': Shake, I'm a little worried about Meatwad. I think he's losing his mind.
:'''Shake''': Watch this. I think he's losing his ''license''.
:'''Meatwad''': ''(hears sirens)'' Aw, shoot! The bronze 5-0.
:''[The &quot;siren&quot; is Shake with a police hat, badge and baton.]''
:'''Shake''': ''(calmly)'' Is there, uh...is there an emergency or something?
:'''Meatwad''': ''(nervously)'' Well, yeah, I mean-
:'''Shake''': Somebody having a baby?
:'''Meatwad''': Y'know, I need to get to work and uh-
:'''Shake''': What's going on here?
:'''Meatwad''': Hey, I'm a wild man. I can't drive 55.
:'''Shake''': ''[taps axle with baton]'' No wheels here, either...and you passed an inspection like that?
:'''Meatwad''': Mmhm. Yessir.
:'''Shake''': I see you ran through a couple of lights. And I'm thinking...surely this little lady wouldn't do that in her own town? Where ya from?
:'''Meatwad''': Now, they was yellow when I went through them-
:'''Shake''': ''(unimpressed)'' Uh-huh. They were red...like your ass is gonna be, when I get through with ''you''. Alright, step out of the car, please. Have you had anything to drink tonight, ma'am?
:'''Meatwad''': Oh, hell yeah. Can I mix you something, or-
:'''Shake''': Alright. I want you to walk in a straight line to that manhole and when you fall down in there, I want to hear the alphabet backwards.
:'''Meatwad''': Okay. ''(rolls off)''
:'''Shake''': ''Sucker!'' He-hey! ''(gets in Hotwad, makes engine noises)''
:''[Meatwad goes to Frylock inside]''
:'''Meatwad''': Did you see that?! He stole my car!
:'''Frylock''': Yeah. Did you get the plate number?
:'''Meatwad''': Good idea! ''(leaves)''
:'''Shake''': ''(in background)'' Hey, what are you looking at?! Hey, it's not Sunday, lady! ''Let's go!!!'' 
:'''Meatwad''': ''(to Frylock)'' What's that letter that does this? ''(gestures)'' With the thing? There's two of them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''':  Hey, hey, hey, hey, what was that noise?! Uh, ''where'' is my white hatchback?!
:'''Shake''': ''[Playing dumb]'' 'Scuse me?
:'''Carl''':  And why are there skid marks there?!
:'''Shake''':  Uh, I just got through mowing the lawn...if that's a crime.
:'''Carl''':  I friggin' ''RENTED THIS THING THIS MORNING!!''
:'''Shake''':  Yeah, we know how you did it. Congratulations.  The bank gave you a credit card.  It doesn't make you better than me!  But you see, nobody gives me credit, because I'm a bad risk and I don't pay my bills on time. So I have to ''work'' for what I have.
:'''Carl''':  Um, did my car always have that, or am I just uh...
:'''Shake''':  What?  Class?  Style?  I don't think so.  Thank God I got a hip transplant.  Now why don't you go back into your house and shut up?
:''[Carl's head explodes]''
:'''Meatwad''':  Why'd he do that?
:'''Shake''':  Why wouldn't he?

&lt;hr width+50%/&gt;

===The Cubing===
:'''Frylock''': It says here that this wisdom cube is the wisest being in the universe and he travels the galaxies feeding off knowledge.
:'''Meatwad''': He be feeding off them microwave burritos, too.
:'''Frylock''': Those are gone?!
:'''Meatwad''': There were six this morning, there ain't none now. He's gassy, boy. Don't say nothing about him fartin'.
:'''Frylock''': Oh, he's just doing that with his mouth Meatwad. Sometimes the most brilliant people are the most eccentric.
:'''Meatwad''': Really? That's a dead-on impression of a butt.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wisdom Cube''': This one time, I ate boiled peanuts, and I'd like to have got sick.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Frylock''': ''[trying to get away from the Wisdom Cube]'' Look, there's Carl! Hey, Carl! Hey! Hey! Hold up, man!
:'''Carl''': No, no, no, don't come over here.
:'''Frylock''': Don't go anywhere! Stay right there!
:'''Wisdom Cube''': Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
:'''Frylock''': Hey, look man, I'm sorry, I'd love to stay here with you, but I gotta go ever there with Carl...and spank him.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Wisdom Cube''': Shut up and fish!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Frylock is going over to Carl to get away from the Wisdom Cube]''
:'''Carl''': No, no, I got nothin' to say to you.
:'''Frylock''': Nothin' personal ''[Frylock starts spanking Carl]''
:'''Carl''': Oh, thank you.
:'''Wisdom Cube''': ''[from away]'' Hey, nice yard! It's nice.
:'''Frylock''': How's that restraining order comin'?
:'''Carl''': For your information, it's still tied up in the courts, cuz I don't have photographs of things like this thing you're doin' here with my butt-why're you doin' this? Stop doin' it. Wait, no-no wait, keep doin' it! ''[chuckles]'' Let me go get my camera!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Shake''': I gotta tell you, a little of that guy goes a long way. 
:'''Frylock''': You know, that's just so weird. I can't believe that he's the all-knowing being of the universe. 
:'''Master Shake''': Yeah, all-being. He's doing the 10-pound ball joke all wrong. 
:'''Wisdom Cube''': ''[On the phone]'' Is this the golf course? It is? Do you have 10-pound balls? No? Then, how do you walk?! How do you walk with a...regular? Well... ''[Raspberries]''
:'''Master Shake''': I mean, that doesn't make sense any way you hear it. 
:'''Frylock''': Well, not to mention I unplugged the phone three hours ago.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meatwad''': This one ol' boy, he give me a job mopping up late night at this children's apparel store. Shoot, he said I made a worser mess than it was. That's discrimination.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Meatwad''': This one time I rent me a pressure washer, start this business? &quot;Meatwad Pressure Washing?&quot; But then I's told, &quot;You got to have a license.&quot; I says, &quot;License? Hell! I ain't even s'posed to be in this country!&quot; And then he got all mad.

&lt;hr width+&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

===Frat Aliens===
:'''Shake''': ''(calling Carl)'' Hey buddy, how's it going? You know, I just happened to check the pH levels of your pool and they are incredibly high! Not good. Fix it or I'm getting a lawyer. Okay, bye!
:'''Frylock''': Did you ask him?
:'''Meatwad''': What'd he say?
:'''Shake''': Yeah, it's cool. We're all good.
:'''Meatwad''': Hell yeah!
:''[They bring a pool float and sunglasses next door. Carl's house is surrounded by metal poles]''
:'''Carl''': He-he-heeeey, buddy!.
:'''Shake''': You were home the whole time?
:'''Meatwad''': Well, he don't ever leave the house, he's one of them, um, shutoffs. Sh-shutout. Wait, what the hell is it called?
:'''Shake''': It's a ''shut up''.
:'''Meatwad''': Yeah, it's a shut up.
:'''Shake''': I never thought you'd screen with me, Carl.
:'''Carl''': ''(insincerely)'' Oh, I was just lightin' the grill, waiting for you guys to come over! Have a little barbeque, little beer...you know I love you guys.
:'''Frylock''': Carl, you alright? You're acting strange.
:'''Carl''': No, I'm nooot! Come on!
:'''Frylock''': Yes, you are!
:'''Carl''': Hey, race over here! Last one in is a rotten egg!
:'''Meatwad''': Shake's a rotten egg!
:''[Lasers emit from the poles when Meatwad gets close. They back away, shocked]''
:'''Frylock''': Whoa.
:'''Meatwad''': Oh, that feels hot.
:'''Carl''': Aw, come on, why'd you stop?! Keep coming, ya so '''''close.'''''
:'''Meatwad''': Hell yeah, well come on!
:'''Frylock''': No, Meatwad, don't.
:''[he runs the float by the lasers, causing it to pop and burn]''
:'''Carl''': Wait for it.
:''[lasers come out the roof of Carl's house and shoot the float]''
:'''Carl''': Good, it works. Now, you try doing that with your body now.
:'''Meatwad''': …okay!
:'''Frylock''': No, Meatwad, stop!
:'''Shake''': ''(waving sunglasses around)'' Carl, top shelf. Not the high-end model, but it works for you and, y'know, your income bracket, but don't worry, I'm not going to tell anybody how cheap you are.
:''[Shake accidently waves the sunglasses into the lasers, cutting them]''
:'''Carl''': Yeah, come closer there, Shakeman. You won't tell anybody anything. '''''Ever again.'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''D.P.''': Oh, oh wait, uh hang on. Did you see like, a little naked dude, out in the street anywhere?
:'''Frylock''': Uh, yeah. I think he's dead.
:'''D.P.''': Oh, are you serious? Well, when he wakes up, make him drink.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Skeeter''': ''[at Carl]'' Dude, you wanna move your thing?  You almost killed us!
:'''D.P.''': Yeah, are you, like, begging me instead to, like, mess up your pizza face in front of your girlfriend over there ''[points at Frylock],'' 'cause I'll do it, man!
:'''Skeeter''': [holding D.P. back] Dude, dude, it's not worth it!
:'''D.P.''': No, man, look at my ship!!! ''[points to his wrecked spaceship]'' My dad is gonna be pissed!
:'''Skeeter''': ''[to Carl]'' Do you know who his dad is?!  He is totally rich...he will totally hook you up.....dude....we're drunk!
:'''Carl''': These friends of yours, Fryman?
:'''D.P.''': Hey, where's the club?  I need to piss.
:'''Carl''': They came from space, you know...typically, that means you're somehow connected.
:'''Frylock''': Carl, I've never seen them before in my life.
:'''D.P.''': So, you don't mind if I talk to her? ''[points to Frylock]''
:'''Carl''': Her??!  Ha-ha, yeah, knock yourself out.  She's a regular ho-bag.
:'''D.P.''': ''[to Frylock]'' 'Sup, little lady?
:'''Skeeter''': Dude, she's got a bit of a 'stache.
:'''D.P.''': It's all right, she's good to go [gives Skeeter a fistbump].  So...my dad's totally rich, we own this dealership, and, uh, what sorority are you in?
:'''Frylock''': 'Scuse me?! I think you have me confused with a woman.
:'''Skeeter''': Ohhh, she burned you, dude!
:'''D.P.''': Oh, so you couldn't get in to a sorority?
:'''Frylock''': I'm a man, all right?!
:'''Skeeter''': This is beat.  Total sausage party. Uhh...I think.  C'mon D.P., let's get out of here.
:'''D.P.''': Well, what else is open besides, your mouth, when you're like kissing on some gay dude and like holding his, like, muscles cause his arms are just like, wrapped around you and you feel like so safe, cause you're like, not that you're gay or nothing, but god you just want to bury yourself in his chest and just live there forever.
:'''Frylock''': ...I'm outta here.
:'''Skeeter''': D to the P, let's go, I got the munchies.
:'''D.P.''': Hang on, hang on''...[starts talking to Shake]'' what's your name, babe?
:'''Master Shake''': I'm Shake.
:'''D.P.''': Ah, you wanna take me to your dorm room for a drink or somethin'?
:'''Master Shake''': No, but I believe this little lady needs to have a life experience.
:''[Shake hands Meatwad to D.P.; D.P. proceeds to kiss him.]''
:'''D.P.''': Come here...
:'''Meatwad''': What you doin'?!  Don't kiss me!
:'''D.P.''': What?  It's cool, I got a rubber.  What?!
:'''Meatwad''': You stay outside.  You scarin' me.


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Master Shake''': Somebody's a little bi-curious!
:'''Meatwad''': I ain't no bi-curious. I'm a man's man!
:'''Master Shake''': Not anymore! I've planted the seed of doubt!
:'''Meatwad''': You don't say that!  I'm a man, and you...if you need me, I'm gonna be in the garage''...[in a deeper voice]'' hangin' Sheet Rock, 'round an engine I'm rebuilding.
:'''Master Shake''': Look at the way he rolls...
:'''Meatwad''': '''''WHERE'S MY CHEWIN' TOBACCO?!!'''''
:'''Master Shake''': ...just like a woman!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''D.P.''': Dude, your buddy here is givin' me a rash.
:'''Frylock''': He usually doesn't drink this much!
:'''Master Shake''': I out-party you!
:'''Frylock''': Shake, will you sit down?
:'''Master Shake''': P.D., I know how to throw…down.  Dude!  And I almost said 'throw up', but I didn't. I hold my boobs... my booze!  But I hold boobs all day, too!
:'''Frylock''': Yeah, this is beer number two for him, right?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Master Shake''': Dude, show him that sweet lung tat you got.  Oh…wait till you see this.  This is so awesome.
:''[D.P. opens a flap in his chest, shows a tattoo of his frat.]''
:'''D.P.''': Had to do it on the inside or my dad would totally kill me.  Had to get ''WASTED'' cuz it hurt like eight bitches on a bitch boat!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''D.P.''':What else is open besides, your mouth, when you're like kissing on some gay dude and like holding his, like, muscles cause his arms are just like, wrapped around you and you feel like so safe, cause you're like, not that you're gay or nothing, but god you just want to bury yourself in his chest and just live there forever...

&lt;hr width+50%/&gt;

===The Clowning===
:'''Steve''': Uhh, Yeah. Six inch on wheat. Umm, No mayo. Uhh, hang on. Dr. Weird?
:'''Dr. Weird''': My ass has finally decided to eat my hand! ''[Dr. Weird's ass pulls in more of his arm]'' It hungers, for more! ''[Dr. Weird's ass eats him.]''
:'''Steve''': Uhh, yeah. Just the one hoagie.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frylock''': Carl, let her go!  You're highly infected!  Carl I'm afraid … you've been clowned!
:'''Carl''': Yeah, I thought my flip flops felt a little tight.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Master Shake''': Well, ''KNOW THIS!''  If you're an object, don't ever cross me.  I proved it to your CD, I proved it to your window, and I proved it to your record player, and your lawn mower, and I will prove it to anything else—
:''[Shake is thrown from Carl's window.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Carl's wig has become noticeably curlier]''
:'''Carl''': Whoa, was my hair this curly last night?
:'''Master Shake''': What, are you fishing for compliments? You know, that's a horrible personality trait, nobody likes that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': You, uh, you have a brush I could borrow?
:'''Frylock''': We don't, we're all, uh, bald.
:'''Meatwad''': I got me one.
:''[he pulls out a toilet brush]''
:'''Meatwad''': I use this for my teeth, and my hair.
:'''Carl''': Oh, yeah, I forgot. I live next to a third world hell hole.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[termites that Meatwad ordered have infested Carl's house]''
:'''Frylock''': Are you here about the termites?
:'''Carl''': Oh yeah, partly. I'm certainly not gonna sign for any more packages with the word &quot;Congo&quot; written in blood.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frylock''': You're taking this pretty well, Carl. Usually you're a little more pissed off when we pull stuff like this.
:'''Carl''': Yeah, y'know, I don't lose my cool as easily anymore. I've kinda gone through some changes in the past 24 hours.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Styrofoam Head''': ''[ominously]'' The Clowning has begun!
:'''Carl''': Who said? Someone say something? Hello? Eh, friggin' air vent.
:'''Styrofoam Head''': God, I wanted him to see me! I wanted to say &quot;It was me. I said it&quot;.
:'''Bingo''': You fool!
:'''Styrofoam Head''': God, don't you occassionally just wanna freak people out?
:'''Bingo''': He must never know.
:'''Styrofoam Head''': Oh, you got it, bud. Think he won't figure out when his feet grow to the size of pontoons?
:'''Bingo''': Do you mock the Clown Society?
:'''Styrofoam Head''': Look, I'll handle this Bingo. You just get in your little midget car, and your fucking big feet, and you fucking fly around.
:'''Bingo''': Okay, but I'm telling Sparkles!
:'''Styrofoam Head''': Oh good, then that means you're leaving! Now friggin' go, you stupid clown!
&lt;hr width+50%/&gt;

===The Dressing===
:'''Meatwad:''' Well, we're not American, yet, until we pass that dumb test. That test a bitch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frylock''': Carl is gonna join us, right?
:'''Meatwad''': Yeah-huh, but he said he'd rather take his food out on the lawn, where there are witnesses.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shake''': Out of the way! I will ruin this bird with my anger!
:''[Turkatron busts in and holds Carl by the throat]''
:'''Turkatron''': ''[while choking Carl]'' Drop the chainsaw if you want him to live.
:'''Carl''': ..help me...
:''[long pause; Shake proceeds to carve the turkey]''
:'''Shake''': I call the dark meat!
:'''Meatwad''': Shotgun!
:'''Frylock''': Shake, put that damn chainsaw down! Give it here!
:'''Shake''': But I did call shotgun.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Frylock attempts to pray over the food]''
:'''Frylock''': Lord, thank you for this food we are about to receive...
:'''Shake''': ''[Interrupting the prayer, whispering]'' Excuse me, little help? Could I have the tacos please?
:'''Frylock''': ''ahem'' This bounty of tacos...
:'''Shake''': ''[Interrupts again]'' Could you pass the tacos? Could you pass me the tacos? ''[louder]'' Could you pass me the ''TACOS?!''
:'''Frylock''': ''HERE!''
:'''Shake''': Okay, then.
:'''Carl''': This roll is wet!
:'''Shake''': Sorry, please go on.
:'''Frylock''': Ahem. For the fellowship we have w--
:'''Meatwad''': Hey, hey. Wait. What's a fellowship?
:'''Shake''': It's a gay bar down on 9th. Aren't you glad we're thanking the Lord for a nautically themed gay bar?!
:'''Frylock''': For the fellowship we have with our neighbor, Carl!
:'''Carl''': No, no! Do not rope me into this! The Lord does not need to know that I am here!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Turkatron has thrown Carl through a window]''
:'''Carl''': I knew something wasn't normal, I'm not lettin' it slide this time - frickin' robot turkey - I knew something was up!
:'''Turkatron''': Is he mad?
:'''Meatwad''': Nah, don't worry about it. He's always got his butt chapped about somethin'.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frylock''':  Now who the hell are you?
:'''Turkatron''':  I am Turkatron. I have come from the year 9595 to save this bird that lies before you for he is the great, great, great, great grandfather…of Goblox…the turkey that's destined to lead the rebellion against master chickens.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Turkatron''':  Do you know who Goblox is?! I will tell you who Goblox is.  In the year 9595, a race of deformed turkey was genetically developed by chicken scientists as ''revenge'' against his bird brother.  These turkeys would exit the womb doused in ''gravy;'' gravy filled with the ''giblets'' from a monkey.  The French craved it, and, as a result, turkey became the only food source for France, which is now called RoboFrance 29.  I was later killed by the chickens! So, of course, you can see why I'm angry at those chickens.    
:'''Frylock''':  Uh-huh.  You know, you sound very familiar.
:'''Turkatron''': Of course I do. ''MONTHS'' and ''MONTHS'' ago I had came upon your neighbor taking the form of the Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future. But I didn't realize he was an agent: a ''chicken'' in disguise. Sent from the year 19…sent from the year 19…
:'''Frylock''':  9595?
:'''Turkatron''':  From there. They had evolved, ''BIG TIME!'' From beyond feathers their beaks had softened and they acquired synthetic intelligence and appendages from the '''''CHICKEN BLACK MARKET FROM BEYOND THE MOON!''''' 
:'''Shake''':  Are you serious?! ''Carl'',  Nextdoor Carl is a ''hyper-evolved'' ''chicken'' from the ''future''?!
:'''Turkatron''':  ''(to Meatwad)''  ..What? ''You'' are?
:'''Shake''':  He is. He ain't right!
:'''Turkatron''':  I knew that. And that's why I was sent here to erase his mind..and ''my'' mind as well.  I had to be reformulated by rogue chicken scientists for the rebellion.  They crafted my sleek, turkey body which allowed for safe passage through the time rift.  So, in summation: the bird comes with me…dead or alive.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Turkatron''': Is that a taco pie?
:'''Meatwad''': Mm-hmm.
:'''Turkatron''': Taco pie?!
:'''Meatwad''': I added food coloring 'cause it's a holiday, but it turned black 'cause I added all the food coloring I had. And I ate this butter straight out of the tub, 'cause it tastes good. There's a reason behind everything.
:'''Turkatron''': Enjoy those tacos now, for in a thousand years they will be illegal! Ha ha ha ha-I think we all know why.
:'''Meatwad''': We know why.
:'''Turkatron''': Anti-taco legislation! Disestablishmentarianism!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Turkatron''': You know, that last bite, it reminds me of this ''severely long story about how the chickens became a master race through a freak accident involving radiation, and interestingly enough, to me, a marshmallow!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shake''': Is that the same guy?
:'''Frylock''': Yeah, I think so. He's crazy.
:'''Shake''': I think he's really from the year 9595.
:'''Meatwad''': I think so too!
:'''Shake''': Did you hear his story?
:'''Meatwad''': I heard it, and it checks out.
:'''Shake''': It is solid.
:'''Frylock''': Yeah, Shake, in the future they all carry their belongings in a plastic bag.
:'''Shake''': That is a future bag, I say that with all confidence.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Turkatron''': Excuse m- Excuse me?! Those are weapons! They are all laser-guided, and I get ''CRAZY'' if you touch them!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Turkatron''': Now where was I? Oh yes, it was 1000 years after the tacos were assassinated—
:'''Meatwad''': I thought you said they was illegal. Was they dead or illegal?
:'''Turkatron''': Oh, is this your story now? Did this happen to you and not to me?! Well, listen up everybody, he's about to tell us all his amazing story! The one that happened to me and not him.
:'''Meatwad''': …I-I'm sorry, you—you've got it—
:'''Turkatron''': Are you sure I have it, Are you sure since it happened to me that I should be the one to tell it? Well then, yes, thank you, I thought I did!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Turkatron''': Pass me more wine, I shall require it to finish.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Turkatron''': (''drunk; referring to a chicken on TV'') Damn you, Billy! Damn it! I...you thought you had my mind under your control, but now, who's strapped to a wall enslaved by the chickens, huh? '''''YOU... ARE STRAPPED... TO THE WALL... MAN.''''' And, I'm not, but who is -- you are...Dick. (''headbutts the TV'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shake''':(angry when his TV is destroyed) WHOA! HEY!!
:'''Turkatron''': (''drunk'') Is that a time -- the time rift! Is that a time rift over there?
:'''Frylock''': No, that's a curtain.
:'''Turkatron''': Move. (''gets behind the curtain'')
:'''Frylock''': Hey. Are you all right?
:'''Turkatron''': Get out of the time rift. You have no idea where this will send you.
:'''Frylock''': Maybe you should lie down or something.
:'''Turkatron''': Yea you wanna lie down cause I hit you in the face?  ''[Turkatron passes out]''

&lt;hr width+&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': (Looks ouside with a turkey leg and sees all the turkatrons) You have got to be freakin' kidding me.
:'''Turkatron''': What are you eating?
:'''Carl''': This is your, uh, great, great, great, uh... (Sees all of them aim their laser socks at him and gets angry) Your mother! (They shoot at him and he explodes).

===THE===

:'''Master Shake''': Chickens are a vital link in nature's chain, and that's why we use them to play chickenball in the house.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Master Shake''': The house smells awful.
:'''Frylock''': Well, why? ''Why does it smell that way?!''
:'''Master Shake''': ''(hurt)'' Did we have to go to that tone...already? You start off so nice.
:'''Frylock''': Look, alright? I'm sorry, okay, just explain. Please. Why?
:'''Master Shake''': Well, this is what I did, see: you know how the flies have been a problem?
:'''Frylock''': ...no, I don't.
:'''Master Shake''': And remember when I left all the meat out because I saw Mr. David Lynch I'm-On-TV do it and he got on TV from doing it and I did it and I didn't get on TV from doing it?
:'''Frylock''': No, I don't remember that.
:'''Master Shake''': Well, I did, and because of this, of course, you get rats.
:'''Frylock''': Ughhh. So why does the house smell?
:'''Master Shake''': ''I'm not doooone!'' Look, when we go in there...you need to watch where you step.
:'''Frylock''': And why is that?!
:''[part of the house explodes]''
:'''Meatwad:''' '''DAMN!'''
:'''Master Shake''': …that is part of the reason. Now let's go in and remember what I said.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[One of Shake's landmines blew up and the house is now missing a wall]''
:'''Master Shake''': Its opened up now. I got rid of that stupid fire place so now the room has a flow. You feel it?
:'''Frylock''': We never had a fire place!
:'''Master Shake''': We never used it.
:'''Frylock''': WE NEVER ''HAD'' ONE!
:'''Master Shake''': Well I never liked it...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shake has just shown Frylock the monitors showing his room a complete mess]''
:'''Master Shake''': I'm gonna edit this.
:'''Frylock''': Well you just have fun watchin' it by yourself because we're done being roomates and we're done being friends!
:'''Master Shake''': Look, I had to do that. You'll understand one day when you're older!
:'''Frylock''': I'll send a crew for my stuff later. See ya.
:'''Master Shake''': Now I can declare that space as a loss...on the taxes I'll pay in August. Are you listenin' to me?! August is when I do it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after Frylock moves out]''
:'''Frylock''': Thanks for moving me, Carl.
:'''Carl''': Yeah, well... thanks for leavin'. When are the other two showin' up?
:'''Frylock''': Oh, they're not.
:'''Carl''': ...What do you mean, ''they're not?''
:'''Frylock''': Oh, you didn't know? They're stayin' in the house next to you.
:'''Carl''': ...That's not exactly what we agreed upon, is it?
:'''Frylock''': ...Well, I lied. ''But'', here's that candy cane I promised you. 
:'''Carl''': Naw, save it for Christmas. Just stick it right back up your ass. I'll, uh, see you never.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shake and Meatwad play chickenball as Meatwad's eyes are infected]''
:'''Master Shake''': All right, now throw that chicken right down the middle. Okay, it's gonna go right outta the park, baby!
:'''Meatwad''': Where are you? Where's the strike zone?
:'''Master Shake''': Over here, follow my voice!
:'''Meatwad''': I can't see! I got some sort of chicken infection in my eye.
:'''Master Shake''': All right, fine. Go down the hallway and wash it out.
:'''Meatwad''': No, sir. I ain't never goin' down that hallway never again.
:'''Master Shake''': Then you pitch that chicken!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Master Shake''': Meatwad, it's for ''you.'' Someone who ''thinks'' he's your friend.
:'''Meatwad''': (with severely swollen eyes) Bring him over to the light.
:'''Frylock''': Ooh, Meatwad. How are you doing?
:'''Meatwad''': Oh, Frylock! Hey! I'm very...&lt;small&gt;can I tell you the truth?&lt;/small&gt;
:'''Master Shake''': Meatwad!
:'''Meatwad''': I'm very good!
:'''Master Shake''': If you're that good, then maybe you should be putting some more foam on our fire. I'm not an Eskimo over here, y'know.
:'''Frylock''': Well, your face looks all...puffy.
:'''Meatwad''': No, no, I'm just tired! I-I fell down some stairs.
:'''Frylock''': We don't have any stairs, Meatwad.
:'''Master Shake''': If he said he fell down some stairs, he fell down some stairs! People get clumsy sometimes! Is there a problem here?!
:'''Frylock''': He's sick, Shake, and so are you.
:'''Master Shake''': Well, he's supposed to be next door, harvesting the crops, picking our dinner. See, we're farming now, we're farmers! It's an honest life.
:'''Meatwad''': We ain't got no more hollow leaves over there, we ate that whole bush yesterday! That's why the bathroom hurts so bad!
:'''Master Shake''': Well, what else did you plant over there?!
:'''Meatwad''': I ain't planted nothin'.
:'''Master Shake''': ''That's why you fall down the stairs all the time.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Master Shake''': (eating spring rolls) This has gone ''well''. Tell you what- mmm, hold on- I will allow visitation hours, for you and us, provided- mmm- you bring lots of these little fried burritos.
:'''Frylock''': Well...no. I'll see y'all later.
:'''Master Shake''': Wait, wait, wait, h-hang on: ''anddddd'' you pay us a stipend.
:'''Frylock''': Fuck you, Shake. See ya.
:'''Master Shake''': Nononono, wait, wait, wait, hang on, hang on now. Come on, I'm-I'm being serious now. Seriously: a memorial plaque will be carved and ''bejeweled'' in my honor.
:'''Meatwad''': He left. Again.
:'''Master Shake''': ''(defensively)'' Those are the terms!
:''[The house is on fire. Shortly after, the phone rings at Frylock's apartment]''
:'''Frylock''': Hello?
:'''Master Shake''': ''(eyes severely swollen)'' Aren't you coming back?
:'''Frylock''': [Angry] Hell no! ''(hangs up)''

&lt;hr width+&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

===The Cloning===

:'''TV Puppet''': This is your left, that's your left. This is your left, that's your left. This is your right, that's your right. This is your right, you're gonna die.


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meatwad''': Man. This is some good TV right here. ''[wakes up Shake who is sleeping on the chair]'' Hey hey hey.
:'''Master Shake''': ''[yawning]'' What?
:'''Meatwad''': You missin' some good TV.
:'''Master Shake''': Change it.
:'''Meatwad''': I ain't changin this. This is the best.
:'''Master Shake''': ''[pulls out a flaming arrow]'' Change it.
:'''Meatwad''': To what? Come on, this is good.
:'''Master Shake''': Why don't we let the arrow decide.
:'''Meatwad''': Aw don't do that- ''[Shake fires the flaming arrow at the TV]'' AW COME ON! 
:''[TV explodes]''
:'''Master Shake''': And now it's changed. The changling.
:'''Frylock''': ''[from bedroom]'' What was that?! What's going on?
:'''Master Shake''': What do you ''think'' it was?!
:'''Meatwad''': It was you boy.
:'''Master Shake''': ''[goes to an empty closet]'' What the- Hey! This closet was full of TVs last time I checked and now there's none.
:'''Meatwad''': 'Cause you keep breakin 'em.
:'''Master Shake''': 'Cause ''you'' keep pissing me off so bad! You should be lucky I direct my anger at the media, and not your buttocks!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meatwad''': Yeah, Frylock, please. Make us a TV. I mean look at me. How else am I gonna face the day? I ain't got no job, my wife left me, bills pilin' up, I got child support payments, and I have no idea if what I said's true. But I believe it.
:'''Master Shake''': He is right.
:'''Meatwad''': We needs to dull our senses.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shake shoves the TV off the stand and it jumps up]''
:'''Meatwad''': Whoa damn. Did you just see that?!
:'''Master Shake''': No, we didn't see it. Everything's fine. Now just SHUT UP and go control it.
:''[Shake attempts to hit the TV with a bat and it jumps again]''
:'''Meatwad''': Damn! Did you just see ''that''?!
:'''Master Shake''': I'm not in the business of seeing whatever pleases you. ''[chases after TV]'' Get back here you son of a...
:'''Meatwad''': Well I'm in business. ''[to himself]'' The business of kicking your ass. And let me tell you, business is booming. I'm open for business. Business of giving you the business...up your butt... ''[looks up and sees Shake looking at him]'' Did you hear me say that?
:'''Master Shake''': You looking to expand your business?
:'''Meatwad''': ''[starts running]'' Business is closed! Business is closed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The TV is chained to the stand]''
:'''Master Shake''': Alright! 's what's called taking command of the situation! Meatwad… you turn it on.
:'''Meatwad''': I ain't going near that TV, boy! I think that thing's alive!
:'''Master Shake''': ''[sternly]'' Go over there, get close to it, and touch it to turn it on.
:'''Meatwad''': What'll you give me?
:'''Master Shake''': Six months to a year. And brother, you are dead!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[A show with Shake on it is playing on the TV]''
:'''Meatwad''': Look at that thing! You on the TV.
:'''Master Shake''': Well, uh... you know, I've been on TV a lot. See, this... oh, yeah, sure, this is my sitcom with a- 
:'''Evil TV Shake''': '''''I'm in your house.'''''
:'''Master Shake''': … with a science-fiction horror twist. It's called...uh...
:'''Meatwad''': What's it called?
:'''Master Shake''': I don't know, shut up. I'm-I'm trying to hear my lines.
:''[Evil TV Shake stares at the camera]''
:'''Master Shake''': …the hell is this?
:'''Meatwad''': Well, you said this is your sitcom? With the sci-fi horror twist? That's never been done before.
:'''Master Shake''': Yeah, I know, I just don't remember filming this episode. I can tell my instincts are strong in this scene though, and I got a lot of motivation.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Psychotic TV Frylock''': ''[during Shake's sitcom]'' I'm the one who's sorry, OK? I'm sorry I made the cheerleading squad and you didn't. 
:''[Audience members say &quot;awwwwwwwwwwww!&quot;]''
:'''Evil TV Shake''': It's OK. You were the better cheerleader. 
:'''Psychotic TV Frylock''': Well, I wasn't no slouch. Did you see me do those cartwheels? 
:''[canned laughter]''
:'''Meatwad''': ''[laughs]'' I identify with that. 
:'''Evil TV Shake''': OK, OK, don't rub it in... 
:''[canned laughter]''
:'''Meatwad''': ''[laughs]'' And there's the zinger... 
:'''Psychotic TV Frylock''': OK, then how about I blow it in? 
:''[shoots him]''
:'''Evil TV Shake''': Wha - 
:'''Meatwad''': Shake! Damn!
:'''Master Shake''': WHAT DO YOU WANT!?!?!?!??!??!?!?!?!?!?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Meatwad''': Something's wrong with that TV!
:'''Frylock''': There's nothing wrong with that TV.
:''[The TV, chained to the stand, begins spraying blood]''
:'''Frylock''': Okay, something's wrong with the TV.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Frylock''': You can't use the cloner to counterfeit money, Shake.
:'''Master Shake''': Look, we will discuss this when I feel like it. Right now, I gotta go get a new Camaro, 'cause that's where the shit is, baby!
:'''Frylock''': ''[as Shake leaves with a bag full of bills]'' There are limits to how much you can clone. Matter breaks down over time!
:'''Master Shake''': ''[heading out]'' Blah, blah, blah, blah, I'm sorry I'm not fluent in Dorkinese!
:'''Frylock''': Hmmm, well, on the other hand, I could use this to feed all the hungry children of the world. Yeah, with my new chain of family-style restaurants. ''[Puts dollars into the cloner and the money piles up]'' Oh, yeah. Oh, hell, yeah! ''[Phone rings]'' Yeah, I'm busy. What?
:'''Carl''': Hey, Fryman. Ordinarily, I wouldn't call you 'cause I don't like you, but you're on the TV, man. ''[Psychotic TV Frylock puts a six-pack on the floor]'' Check out channel...666. That's weird.
:'''Frylock''': Look, Carl, I don't have time...
:'''Carl''': Whoa! Hang on, I'm on it now! That is me. ''[Psychotic TV Frylock high-fives TV Carl and hands him the beer]'' Awesome! Awesome! Friggin' awesome! I'm on TV! I look pretty good. Chicken skin diet's really paying off for me. ''[Psychotic TV Frylock, after a toast, shoots TV Carl]'' Oh, God. You stay far away from this house. Do you hear me?! Far away!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Shake''': Frylock, get away from the money. The genetic structure is breaking down. It needs to be analyzed...at the Camaro dealership.
:'''Meatwad''': Hey, I want some of that! I provided the seed money.
:'''Master Shake''': ''[drops three dollars in front of Meatwad]'' Here. You tripled your investment. Now take a dirt nap.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Shake''': Who let the hippie in here? I got news for you, pal: The dead are ''dead'', okay? So maybe what you're looking for is soap, which is at the grocery store. You know, food you don't have to pick?
:'''Frylock''': Shake...
:'''Shake''': They sell meat there...
:'''Frylock''': Uh, Shake?
:'''Shake''': ...and while you're at it --
:'''Frylock''': Shake!
:'''Shake''': Now! Shut up! I'm talking to him!
:'''Frylock''': He's George Washington!
:'''George Washington''': ''[sighs]'' I am.
:'''Shake''': Well, what the hell is he doing next to my Benjamins?
:'''George Washington''': I have come bearing a message. Great Britain sought taxes from the colonies, and they paid for their greed with blood. Now, do you understand the price of avarice?
:'''Shake:''' Take him out.
:'''George Washington:''' Wait! NO! ''[Frylock shoots him repeatedly with a shotgun]''
:'''Meatwad''': ''[holding gun to his own head, with several smoking holes]''  I done took him out didn't I?
:'''Master Shake''': Yeah... you really took him out...
:'''Meatwad''': I knew I took him out..hee hee yeah! Hey, did I take him out?
:'''Frylock:''' Ah, we should have cloned twenties.  Jackson wouldn't have given a shit.

===The Last One===
:''[we go up to the moon where the ATHF &quot;villians&quot; meet]''
:'''Major Shake''': ''[to Rabbot]'' How did uh, how did you get here?
:'''Rabbot''': 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0.
:'''Major Shake''': I came across 190th and I came up to 110.
:'''Rabbot''': 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0.
:'''Major Shake''': This is, uh, this is asinine.
:'''Rabbot''': 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[villians cheer on Happy Time Harry as he drinks an entire keg]''
:'''Villians''': Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! 
:'''Happy Time Harry''': ''[finishes the keg]'' Uuuhhh...that's it for this one.
:'''Skeeter''': He floated it by himself!
:'''Happy Time Harry''': What else you got?
:'''DP''': Dude my dad bought me that keg! My dad owns a dealership!
:'''Travis (talking through Randy)''': His dad own deal-er-ship.
:'''Happy Time Harry''': Oh yeah? Well my dad bought me this magic talking knife.
:'''Travis (talking through Randy)''': Oooh! What say? What knife-a say?! AAHH!
:''[Happy Time Harry stabs Travis in the eyes]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mothmonsterman''': I bought a house in Belize.
:'''Oog''': Oh me always want go there.
:'''Mothmonsterman''': For like...dirt cheap.
:'''Romulux''': Belize is a very expensive city, actually.
:'''Mothmonsterman''': It's a country.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wisdom Cube''': Ignignort. What's up?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[during roll call]''
:'''Ignignokt''': Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future.
:''[smoke appears]''
:'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Thousands of years ago before Sigourney Weaver-
:'''Ignignokt''': ''Here'' will work just fine, thank you.
:''[smoke disappears]''
:'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Here.
:'''Err''': And no smoking!! Gimme a smoke, gimme a smoke, gimme a smoke!
:'''Ignignokt''': Err, stay with the patch. Your blood pressure.
:'''Err''': ''[to Cybernetic Ghost]'' You tell another story!
:''[smoke appears]''
:'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Thousands of years ago I survived the quickening of the Dragonoids...
:'''Err''': ''[inhales]'' Smooth and mentholly.


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inignokt''': Who's got a rad name?
:'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Giglioranasoniphonican.
:'''Wisdom Cube''': Super Fun.. Super Awesome Villains Forever.
:'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Wait... Um... Giglioranananomicom!
:'''Err''': Bon Scott.
:'''Major Shake''': No...that sucks.
:'''Err''': Banner Thomas.
:'''Major Shake''': The Evil Gang of 11.
:'''Wisdom Cube''': Super Awesome Villians Forever! That's mine! Hey!
:'''Mothmonsterman''': How about the Midnighters?
:'''Major Shake''': Illin...the Illin Villians.
:'''Mothmonsterman''': You know, we're out at night...
:'''Ol' Drippy''': How about Got Villians?
:'''Mothmonsterman''': Nasty Midnighters.
:'''Rabbot''': Monday Tuesday Wednesday-
:''[Cybernetic Ghost joins in]''
:'''Rabbot &amp; Cybernetic Ghost''': Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday...
:'''Inignokt''': Typical. Robots.
:'''Err''': I kinda like that name. It's identifiable.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inignokt''': Err, step directly on that.
:'''MC P Pants''': Wait a minute! I got a plan see! I got a plan, see? We take these monsters right, we start a haunted house. Yeah, you feelin me? We invite everyone to the haunted house and they come thinkin' it's gonna be all scary and shit, but in fact the house is also for sale cause it's a Condo, get it? Like in Hilton Head and people are gonna pay big ass cash money to live there, right? And then we take all that money and buy more psychadelic mushrooms, ya feel me?
:'''Inignokt''': More?!
:'''MC P Pants''': Yeah, I already ate a bunch of 'em, so what do y'all think, what're we tryin' to do? Get me a record deal? Cause my label keeps on dropping me cause I keep on gettin' killed but I'm like I'm gonna come back! I'm gonna come back! Come on, I need this job man!
:'''Inignokt''': Squash him, Err.
:'''MC P Pants''': I will be back man. Aaah! ''[Err squahes him]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[The Aqua Teens pretend they have gone to Honolulu, but they are really in Carl's house]''
:'''Master Shake''': ''[from inside Carl's house]'' Get your mouth off of me! Yeah we moved to Honolulu, shut up!
:'''Carl''': Ay, you know what? They actually moved to Honolulu. Can you believe that? I just found this out.
:'''Inignokt''': Oh, well...then give me my note back.
:'''Happy Time Harry''': Hey did you hear- aw jeez. They're in the house!
:'''Inignokt''': That's impossible. They moved to Honolulu.
:'''Meatwad''': We ain't moved to no Honolulu-
:'''Master Shake''': ''[kicks Meatwad]'' Shut up.

&lt;hr width+&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

==External links==	 
{{wikipedia|Aqua Teen Hunger Force (season 2)|Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 2)}}	 
*[http://video.adultswim.com/aqua-teen-hunger-force/ ''Aqua Teen Hunger Force''] at Adult Swim
*{{imdb title||Aqua Teen Hunger Force}}	 
*{{tv.com show|5485|Aqua Teen Hunger Force}}

[[Category:Aqua Teen Hunger Force seasons]]

{| class=&quot;wikitable&quot; border=&quot;1&quot; style=&quot;width:100%; text-align: center;&quot;
| width=&quot;30%&quot; | Preceded by&lt;br&gt;'''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 1)|Season 1]]'''
| width=&quot;30%&quot; | '''''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]'' [[w:List of Aqua Teen Hunger Force episodes|seasons]]'''
| width=&quot;30%&quot; | Succeeded by&lt;br&gt;'''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 3)|Season 3]]'''
|}
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    <title>Abraham Pais</title>
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      <text bytes="11419" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Abraham Pais.jpg|thumb|right|To make a discovery is not necessarily the same as to understand a discovery.]]
[[File:AdSproton.jpg|thumb|right|Progress leads to confusion leads to progress and on and on without respite…]]
'''[[w:Abraham Pais|Abraham Pais]]''' ([[May 19]], [[1918]] – [[July 28]], [[2000]]) was a Dutch-born American physicist and science historian. He served as an assistant to [[Niels Bohr]] in Denmark and was later a colleague of [[Albert Einstein]] at the Princeton Institute for Advanced Study. Pais wrote books documenting the lives of these two great physicists and the contributions they and others made to modern physics.

== Quotes ==
[[File:Geodetic effekt.jpg|thumb|right|I would think that what will strike people most when, hundreds of years from now, they will look back on our days is that this was the age when the exploration of space began, the microchip was invented, revolutions in transport and communication virtually annihilated time and distance, transforming the world into a &quot;global village&quot;…]]

* '''The first thing [[Niels Bohr|Bohr]] said to me was that it would only then be profitable to work with him if I understood that he was a dilettante.''' The only way I knew to react to this unexpected statement was with a polite smile of disbelief. But evidently Bohr was serious. He explained how he had to approach every new question from a starting point of total ignorance. '''It is perhaps better to say that Bohr's strength lay in his formidable intuition and insight rather than erudition.'''
** Testimony in ''Niels Bohr : His Life and Work as Seen by His Friends and Colleagues'' (1967) edited by Stefan Rozental, p. 218; later in his own work, ''Niels Bohr's Times : In Physics, Philosophy, and Polity'' (1991)

* '''Progress leads to confusion leads to progress and on and on without respite.''' Every one of the many major advances … created sooner or later, more often sooner, new problems. These confusions, never twice the same, are not to be deplored. Rather, those who participate experience them as a privilege.
** [http://books.google.com/books?id=mREnwpAqz-YC ''Inward Bound : Of Matter and Forces in the Physical World'' (1988)], p. 4 &lt;small&gt; {{ISBN|0198519974}} &lt;/small&gt;

* '''A number of current theoretical explorations will turn out to be passing fancies'''...
** ''Inward Bound : Of Matter and Forces in the Physical World'' (1988), p. 45

* '''To make a discovery is not necessarily the same as to understand a discovery'''. Not only [[Max Planck|Planck]] but also other physicists were initially at a loss as to what the proper context of the new postulate really was.
** Referring to the difficulties physicists experienced understanding the discovery that energy exchange is quantized, in ''Inward Bound : Of Matter and Forces in the Physical World'' (1988), p. 134

* '''Today we live in the midst of upheaval and crisis. We do not know where we are going, nor even where we ought to be going.''' Awareness is spreading that our future cannot be a straight extension of the past or the present … The century now approaching its end has been one of indiscriminate violence, it has been perhaps the most murderous one in Western history of which we have record. Yet I would think that what will strike people most when, hundreds of years from now, they will look back on our days is that this was the age when the exploration of space began, the microchip was invented, revolutions in transport and communication virtually annihilated time and distance, transforming the world into a &quot;global village,&quot; and relativity theory, quantum mechanics, and the structure of the atom were discovered, in brief that this has been the century of science and technology.
** Address given in Copenhagen [http://nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/physics/articles/pais/index.html?print=1 &quot;Physics in Denmark: The First Four Hundred Years&quot; (6 March 1996)]

=== ''Subtle is the Lord'' (1982) ===
:&lt;small&gt;''&quot;Subtle is the Lord…&quot; : The Science and the Life of Albert Einstein'' (1982)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Of course, relative [[citation]] frequencies are no measure of relative importance. Who has not aspired to write a paper so fundamental that very soon it is known to everyone and cited by no one?'''
** p. 90

* A new man appears abruptly, the ‘suddenly famous Doctor Einstein.’ He carries the message of a new order in the universe. He is a new Moses come down from the mountain to bring the law and a new Joshua controlling the motion of heavenly bodies...
** p. 311

===  ''A Tale of Two Continents'' (1997) ===
[[File:Niels Bohr Albert Einstein3 by Ehrenfest.jpg|thumb|right|I wish to tell you of happenings in the twentieth century, as I witnessed them and reflected upon them. You will see me return to center stage, but only occasionally.]]
&lt;!-- [[File:Robot Arm Over Earth with Sunburst - GPN-2000-001097.jpg|thumb|right| Deliberately or not, every author is of course present in every book he or she writes — even in a scientific text.]] --&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; ''A Tale of Two Continents : A Physicist's Life in a Turbulent World'' (1997)&lt;/small&gt;

* I made a discovery, perhaps known to others but new to me: '''I need not put myself center stage but can rather place myself at the side, like a Greek chorus. As the curtain rises, I can walk to the center and can speak as follows: I wish to tell you of happenings in the twentieth century, as I witnessed them and reflected upon them. You will see me return to center stage, but only occasionally.''' Once that imagery had gotten hold of me, I went back to Ida and said yes, I shall try.
** On considering his wife's suggestion that he write his autobiography, Prologue, p. xiii

* '''Deliberately or not, every author is of course present in every book he or she writes — even in a scientific text.'''
** Prologue, p. xv

=== ''To Save a Life: Stories of Holocaust Rescue'' (2000) ===
[[File:Yellowstar.jpg|thumb|right|One of the absolute rules I learned in the war was, don't know anything you don't need to know, because if you ever get caught they will get it out of you.]]
:&lt;small&gt;Testimony in ''To Save a Life: Stories of Holocaust Rescue'' (2000), edited by Ellen Land-Weber, Part I, Holland, Ch. 1 : Like Violets in the Woods &lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Americans cross Siegfried Line.jpg|thumb|right|I was lucky because the same week that I went to prison the Americans crossed the Rhine and cut off the northern part of Holland, so there was no longer any possibility of being shipped out to a concentration camp.]]
[[File:C-47 transport planes release hundreds of paratroops.jpg|thumb|right| The rail lines were cut. So I was in prison in Amsterdam during the very last days of the war.]]

* I lived altogether in nine different places while in hiding, because whenever something happened, either someone betrayed the place or something happened to someone who knew where I was, I had to move. '''The rule of the game was never assume that anybody, however honorable, would be able to stand up under torture.''' If Mr. X, who knew where I was, was caught for some reason, I should move.
** On life in hiding from Nazi authorities during World War II, p. 48

* '''One of the things I learned, one of the strangest things, is how to think. There was nothing else to do.''' I couldn't see people, or go for a walk in the forest. '''All I had was my head and my books, and I thought a lot. I learned, because there was no interruption. I had access to myself, to my thinking.''' I wouldn't say that I particularly matured. The thinking was physics thinking. I was just short of twenty-two then. &lt;br&gt; I was in hiding for two years and two months, something like that. In all that time I went out very, very little, just once in a great while, after dark. Once I even took the train to Utrecht, forty miles from Amsterdam, with my yellow star, this star which I still have. Why did I go? I just wanted to visit some friends. I was a little bit crazy, a little bit insane.
** On life in hiding from Nazi authorities, p. 48

* '''One of the absolute rules I learned in the war was, don't know anything you don't need to know, because if you ever get caught they will get it out of you.'''
** p. 50

* I knew all the time I was going to get through the war. It was completely irrational, a silly idea, but I was not going to lie down and get myself killed. I was going to get out of it.
** p. 50

* '''I was lucky because the same week that I went to prison the Americans crossed the Rhine and cut off the northern part of Holland, so there was no longer any possibility of being shipped out to a concentration camp.''' The rail lines were cut. So I was in prison in Amsterdam during the very last days of the war. We were sent to the men's prison and the girls were sent to a women's prison in a different place.
** p. 51

* On the day we were caught, Lion and I had been talking about writing a memorandum on the fate of the Jewish war children living in hiding or among Dutch families … we were the representatives of the Zionist youth organization. … Lion who had been taking notes of the discussion, put these papers in his jacket pocket when he took a break from lunch. When the Germans caught us they discovered his notes. '''If those papers had been in my pocket I would have never lived to be seventy. I have led a strange life, a set of complete coincidences.'''
** On the fate of his friend Lion Nordheim, who was executed ten days before the end of the war, and his own release at around the same time, p. 52

* '''For several months I was incapable of feeling anything, completely inaccessible to my feelings — I did not laugh, I did not cry.''' The second thing was this amazing trauma, where I forgot the names of everyone I knew. That was very strange. I knew who everyone was: this was a friend from high school, this was my cousin, but I had to relearn every name. It was quite striking, that very strong reaction that I had. They have a name for it, I think: posttraumatic stress syndrome. &lt;br&gt; '''I don't sit here conquering great resistance to talk. It is not my way.''' I don't suffer the reliving of these memories with tremendous pain. It's very odd, but it's finished for me. That, of course, is never quite true. It isn't finished. I am like all of my generation; we are marked people. But I don't suffer; I can talk to you about it. '''Most of my family was killed. All of my father's and mother's sisters and brothers and their children, my sister and my old grandfather, they're all gone. Four out of five Jews in Holland never came back after the war — 80 percent.'''
** On events after the end of World War II, Part I, Holland, p. 53

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{Commons cat|Abraham Pais (physicist)}}
* [http://www.nnp.org/nni/Publications/Dutch-American/pais.html Profile at NNP]
* [http://www.intelligencesquared.com/talks/abraham-pais-talks-to-Jack-Klaff Interview at ''Intelligence&lt;sup&gt;2&lt;/sup&gt;'']
* [http://physicsworld.com/cws/article/news/2803 Obituary at ''Physics World'' (4 August 2000)]
{{DEFAULTSORT:Pais, Abraham}}
[[Category:Physicists from the United States]]
[[Category:Physicists from the Netherlands]]
[[Category:People from Amsterdam]]
[[Category:Immigrants to the United States]]
[[Category:1918 births]]
[[Category:2000 deaths]]
[[Category:Jewish people from the Netherlands]]
[[Category:Historians of science]]
[[Category:American Jews‎]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Jonathan Creek</title>
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'''''[[w:Jonathan Creek|Jonathan Creek]]''''' is a British mystery series produced by the BBC and written by David Renwick. Primarily a crime drama, the show stars Alan Davies as the titular character, an eccentric magician's assistant who also solves seemingly supernatural mysteries through his talent for logical deduction and knowledge of illusionism. No matter how magical the mystery — a locked-room murder or a seemingly impossible theft — the detective would come up with a very down-to-earth explanation as to what happened. Although a crime drama, the series contained often broadly comical touches as well.

== Series 1 ==

=== ''The Wrestler's Tomb'' ===
:''Jonathan is posing as a camera operator''
:'''Maddie:''' It's called a Steadicam. It eliminates jerks.
:'''Jonathan:''' So does Clint Eastwood, I wouldn't want him strapped to my chest.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jonathan:''' My big passion. The golden age of illusion: Robert Houdin, Makelyne, Devant. I was born a hundred years too late, basically.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Maddie:''' ''[Seeing Jonathan's collection]'' I take it this is a disease that struck in childhood?
:'''Jonathan:''' I never wanted to be a magician as such; swanning about with silk hankies. It was... I dunno... The ingenuity at the back of it. Always fascinated the hell out of me.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jonathan:''' People beg me to explain something; it's the last thing they want to hear, 'cause you're disproving a miracle. Houdini walked through a wall two bricklayers had built onstage: [[People]] swore he had the power to dematerialise. You find out he he used a trapdoor under a carpet, it's too mundane: you [[feel]] cheated. That's all magic is, an illusion.

=== ''Jack in the Box'' ===
:'''Maddie:''' You know Jack Holliday died?
:'''Jonathan:''' Yeah, it's the only thing he ever did that made me laugh.
:'''Maddie:''' Oh, that's great! The poor man's dead!
:'''Jonathan:''' I bet that won't stop him overacting, though.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jonathan:''' I nearly rang you. I'd get as far as the last digit, but something would always stop me. I suppose it was the thought of getting sucked into another one of your grisly murder investigations. You know how you always fear the worst
:'''Maddie:''' [&lt;i&gt;laughs brightly&lt;/i&gt;]
:'''Jonathan:''' Stop this car.
:'''Maddie:''' Jonathan...
:'''Jonathan:''' [&lt;i&gt;scoffing&lt;/i&gt;] 'Flush out the carbon monoxide with some sea air'?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jonathan:''' No Time to Lose.
:'''Maddie:''' Right. Where are we going?
:'''Jonathan:''' Anywhere! As far away from here as possible. That could have been my head skewered to the matress!
:'''Maddie:''' Now just hang about. You can't tell me you've unravelled this whole thing and then bugger off! What kind of spineless cretin are you?
:'''Jonathan:''' No special kind. Just your average cretin... with a train to catch.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jonathan:''' We mustn't confuse what's impossible with what's implausible. Just about everything I dream up for a living relies on stuff that's ''highly'' implausible. That's what makes it so hard to work out; no-one thinks you'd go to that much trouble to fool your audience.

=== ''The Reconstituted Corpse'' ===
:'''Maddie:''' ''[Talking to her Publisher]'' I've got this theory that Jonathan Creek is himself an illusion. Just when you think you've found him, he drifts through your fingers like smoke.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Shelford''': That was unfortunate. I completely misjudged the water pressure on those taps and, of course, it went everywhere. Fortunately! It's not urine, so it won't stain.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jonathan''' So let's run through this from the top. The wardrobe was empty; you closed the door, brought it upstairs, through this door... along here... around here... and into this room, against that wall. By which time, somehow or other, the cupboard has acquired a body. Brutally battered to death across the back of her head. Hmm. ''[Pause]'' It's a good one isn't it?
:'''Maddie''': 'A Good One'?! Is that all you can say? Somewhere between here and the ground someone's planted a corpse in my cupboard and I didn't even see it happen!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jonathan:''' ''[After checking out the wardrobe]'' Nope. All seems pukka. No panels, no breakaways, no phantom joints... just a wardrobe really. ''[Pause]'' You want to know how it was done?
:'''Maddie:''' Yes.
:'''Jonathan:''' That makes two of us.

=== ''No Trace of Tracy'' ===
:'''Roy Pilgrim:''' ''[On the phone with his solicitor]'' No, Mr Danzigger &quot;a trifle baffling&quot; won't do. A trifle baffling doesn't get near it. My bride-to-be's flushed me down the toilet, I'm looking at charges of abduction and possibly murder and all because I wasn't smart enough to lie my way out of this thing when it really mattered. They can put the entire cast of ''Goodbye, Mr Chips'' on the witness stand, but it doesn't change what I saw. If you're any kind of lawyer, you'd better start getting your act... ''[sees Jonathan and Maddie at the gate]'' ...ah, look I'll call you back.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Jonathan and Maddie are waiting at Roy Pilgrim's garden gate]''
:'''Maddie:''' ''[Indicating the french windows of the house beyond the gate]'' That's the one, then. You could hardly miss her from here, so when she pressed this bell, someone must have let her in. ''[Presses intercom button]''
:'''Jonathan:''' What are you doing?
:'''Maddie:''' We've got to check it out.
:'''Jonathan:''' I can't go in there!
:'''Maddie:''' Why not?
:'''Jonathan:''' Roy Pilgrim!? I can't meet Roy Pilg...you're talking about mythology. You reduce someone like that to flesh and blood and the whole thing is destroyed, the whole icon.
:'''Maddie:''' Jonathan, you're beginning to sound like a prat.
:'''Jonathan:''' Sorry.
:'''Roy Pilgrim:''' ''[Over the intercom]'' What does it take to make you go away?
:'''Maddie:''' Look, I'm sorry about yesterday ''(She posed as a detective)'', but I'm really quite interested in helping you actually. If you'd just take a minute to let us in.
:'''Roy Pilgrim:''' What are you?
:'''Maddie:''' Right now Mr Pilgrim? We're the only hope you've got.

=== ''The House of Monkeys'' ===

:''[Maddie discovers Cathy had slept with her father-in-law]''
:'''Cathy Strange:''' What you knew? How?
:'''Ingrid Strange:''' I may be a wizened old bat in your eyes, Cathy. That doesn't mean I'm as blind as one. Some other time I'll give you a lesson in subliminal bonding gestures. For God's sake, I'd seen it coming for months. I'd almost say he needed it to flush it out of his system. Afterward when he told me and all the guilt came out, he threw himself on my mercy and... 
:'''Cathy Strange:''' You're lying! Elliot would never tell...
:'''Ingrid Strange:''' Kathy! You have the body of a woman and the brain of a sexually stunted newt!

== Series 2 ==

=== ''Danse Macabre'' ===

:''[Maddie answers the door]''
:'''Stranger:''' Miss Magellan? Stephen Claithorne. I believe you're a collector of mysteries?
:'''Maddie:''' What?! I'm sorry, I've only just this second woken up.
:'''Stephen:''' We're likely to get into all sorts of tangles if we play questions and answers. So with your permission. ''[He walks in]'' I'll just begin at the beginning.
:'''Maddie:''' Well before you do, if this some tale about a missing hymn book, it's a bit early...
:'''Stephen:''' It's murder, Miss Magellan. Cold, clinical and calculated. And it took place last night at my home in Oxfordshire. The midday papers will be full of it. What they won't explain, what no-one can explain is how the killer evaporated into thin air, right in front of everyone's eyes. Some miracles you don't want to believe in.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maddy:''' Come on, I've admitted defeat. Let's get on with it; the bit you enjoy, treating me like a moron.
:'''Jonathan:''' No. The bit where you enjoy making me feel like I'm treating you like a moron. When you're perfectly capable of reasoning it out for yourself if only you'd stop taking things at face value.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maddy:''' I'm sorry, Jonathan, what level of surrealism are we operating on here?
:'''Jonathan:''' Y'see, this is where you and everyone else give up. You're making the big mistake of sticking to what's likely rather than what's logical.

=== ''Time Waits For Norman'' ===
:'''Woman''': You're saying there's actually a real person called Jonathan Creek, he's not just a narrative conceived for story telling purposes?
:'''Man''': All that stuff, he invents all those tricks.
:'''Madeline Magellan''': And he lives in a windmill, it's all for real.
:'''Woman''': Right. Isn't that funny?
:'''Madeline''': What?
:'''Woman''': Suddenly I find him less believable.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonathan''': She made all of the moves and now I'm boxed in. We've got nothing whatsoever in common and if I try and break it off she'll think it's because of you know what [her baldness]. Which she's obviously very sensitive about.
:'''Madeline''': I'm not surprised! Didn't you get suspicious when you were running your fingers through her hair and she wasn't even in the room?!

=== ''The Scented Room'' ===
:''[Jonathan has refused to reveal the solution]''
:'''Maddy:''' It's no sweat, y'know. I'll work it out for myself. I've seen everything you've seen. I'm not a complete and utter moron.
:''[Jonathan starts to leave]''
:'''Maddy:''' Yes?
:'''Jonathan:''' I never said anything.
:'''Maddy:''' Look, just give me a leg-up to get me started. Please? Just one tiny hint?
:'''Jonathan:''' Look to Eric's Spam sandwich. It contains the key to the whole affair.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonthan:''' Did it ever occur to you that someone could have cut it without actually being in the room? Using a high-powered laser through the glass in the ceiling.
:'''Maddy:''' You are Kidding!
:'''Jonathan:''' Of course I am, the idea's ridiculous. In fact the way this was worked was so sublimely simple, when I tell you, you'll wonder why you didn't get it in five seconds flat.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonathan:''' You mean Pot Pourri? One of the biggest cons of the Twentieth Century. People pick it up in a shop, what's the first thing they do? ''[Mimes sniffing a bowl of Pot Pourri]'' &quot;mmm, smell this one! That's sensational! I'll have some of that!&quot; Of course it is if you shove your face in it. Put some in a bowl in the middle of the room, you can't smell a bloody thing. There should be a label on the packet &quot;only effective when inserted up nostril&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Adam Klaus:''' ''[On the phone to Jonathan]'' If you could choose the manner of your own death, would it be (A) Peacefully in your sleep? (B) Breathlessly with Nicole Kidman? or (C) Being dismembered by a homicidal illusionist? If 'c', simply hang up now.

=== ''The Problem at Gallows Gate'' ===

:'''Jonathan:''' How come when I stay at your place you get the bed and I get the sofa, but when you stay at my place you still get the bed and I get the sofa?
:'''Maddy:''' Because you were being terribly chivalrous and gentlemanly and very solicitous of my welfare ''[Pause]'' Don't I get anything to eat?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maddy:''' Where do you keep your salt?
:'''Jonathan:''' See that cupboard just above you? Top Shelf. Right at the back... there's a leaflet from the hospital explaining why it's bad for your arteries.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonathan:''' I'm trying to achieve a level of abstract thought here. Trying to prise this whatever-it-is out of my memory.
:'''Maddy:''' Well what is it? Let me have a go.
:'''Jonathan:''' I told you, I can't put it into words. It's purely intuitive. It's just a feeling. It won't come into focus until it's ready.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonathan:'''But what you see isn't always what's happening. And what you all saw that night, I've got a horrible feeling, was a very brilliantly concieved hoax.
:'''Maddy:''' Here we go, he's gonna tell us how it was done.

=== ''Mother Redcap'' ===

:'''Investigator:''' Ever since the man who owned and ran this place died, it was 1969 - a man named William Amberghast, the old Mother Redcap pub in Edmonton has been property market poison. Whether it's superstition or what, I don't know. Would you buy a hundred year-old building where seven men have been quite literally terrified to death?
:''[Pause]''
:'''Investigator:''' The way it's told: the first one, Mr Clifford Jennings, managing director of a big clothing firm, was staying overnight with a lady friend in a special guest room that was kept for visitors. Round about midnight he was preparing for bed. The death certificate said it was his heart. The truth was, no-one knew what had killed him. The girl was convinced he'd seen something... outside. &quot;Something so utterly horrible it set off a fatal seizure&quot;. Between 1947 and '51 there were five other cases, deaths that which have never been explained from that day to this. All in the same room. All after they'd looked out of the window in the middle of the night.Not a mark or scratch on any of the bodies. No evidence they'd been poisoned or suffocated. Four of them were found on the floor the next morning. Three were actually seen at the moment of death, collapsing in what appeared to be a fit of mortal terror.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jonathan has been abducted and brought to a police station]''
:'''DCI Ken Speed:''' I'm sorry about the neanderthal tactics of my two constables. They were under the impression they were bringing a suspect in.
:'''Jonathan:''' So I gather. I confessed to two armed robberies before we reached the first set of traffic lights.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonathan:''' So the deal, as I see it, is this: If I come up with a solution that leads to the killer's arrest, by next week I'm highest new entry on the Tong's UK death list. Not much of an incentive really.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maddy:''' What's that theory? That absolutely everything that happens in the world is connected to everything else. I read an article once. If a man breaks wind in Hounslow, it can effect a hurricane in Java. I think I know the man they're talking about, he travels on the Circle Line.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonathan:'''What was it Sherlock Holmes said to Watson?
:'''Maddy:''' Get your kit off and give us a kiss?

== Christmas Special (1998) ==

=== ''Black Canary'' ===
:'''Adam Klaus:''' ''[To Jonathan]'' I always thought your love life would make a great play by Samuel Beckett, a great nihilistic quality it has.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maddy:''' So what's the story on this mother of hers, Marella Carney, the 'Black Canary'? She was big business back in her day, wasn't she?
:'''Jonathan:''' The problem with Marella Carney was that most of her tricks relied upon the fact that she had a twin sister.
:'''Maddy:''' Don't be ridiculous. 
:'''Jonathan:''' Who, from what I hear, did all the difficult bits. Marella was claustrophobic, so it was her sister who had to climb into all the cabinets and coffins. You can do amazing stuff when you work with a double, but it's not exactly a test of ingenuity. 
:'''Maddy:''' You're telling me there were two of them? They kept that quiet, didn't they? 
:'''Jonathan:''' Well they're hardly going to put in the program notes, are they? 'NB: whilst miraculously escaping from a locked trunk, Miss Carney will be assisted by her twin sister Beryl!' Anyway that was all before the accident of course. 
:'''Maddy:''' What accident? 
:'''Jonathan:''' It's a bit on the grisly side. Best not discussed. 
:'''Maddy:'''''[Forcefully]'' What accident?
:'''Jonathan:''' Not sure you've got the stomach for it. 
:'''Maddy:''' I've got the stomach for it? Don't give me that macho protective number! 
:'''Jonathan:''' Rehearsals one day for one of their big routines. Sister Beryl's strapped down to a bench with an electric buzz saw coming at her. ''[Maddie looks queasy]'' Mechanism jammed, the thing just kept coming. She was literally sawn in half. 
:'''Maddy:''''' Oh my god!
:'''Jonathan:''' Lengthways. 
:'''Maddy:''''' LENGTHWAYS!?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jonathan and Maddy are driving through a snowstorm]''
:'''Jonathan:''' How anyone can drive a car at this time of year without a windscreen washer.
:'''Maddy:'''It's got a windscreen washer!
:'''Jonathan:'''Yeah, but it's not much use on the back seat is it?
:'''Maddy:''' The guy who was gonna fit it did a runner, it's not my fault. A bit of fresh air won't harm you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''DI Gideon Pryke:''' I can smell guilt on a man like dung on a donkey.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Maddy's interrupted Jonathan's evening]''
:'''Maddy:''' I thought I might be useful.
:'''Jonathan:''' What as? A contraceptive!

== Christmas Special (2001) ==

=== ''Satan's Chimney'' ===
:'''Carla Borrego''': Have you ever slept in a castle with a moat before?
:'''Jonathan''': I once passed out in front of a block urinal.
== Series 4 ==

=== ''The Chequered Box'' ===
:'''Jonathan''': ''(To Adam, who is buried underground)'' You all right down there still? Your brain's not getting starved of oxygen or anything? 
:'''Adam''': ''(Drowzily)'' Who is this? 
:'''Jonathan''': It's me, Adam. 
:'''Adam''': Right. I knew that, of course. And tell me Adam, how long have I been down here? 
:'''Jonathan''': Just coming up to four days now and, to be honest, I think the disorientation is starting to kick in. 

== External links==
*{{Wikipedia-inline}}

[[Category:BBC shows]]
[[Category:Crime TV shows]]
[[Category:Dramedies]]
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    <title>Moonraker (film)</title>
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        <username>Eaglestorm</username>
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[[File:Moonraker-logo.svg|thumb]]
'''''[[w:Moonraker (film)|Moonraker]]''''' is a [[w:1979 in film|1979 film]] in which James Bond investigates the mid-flight theft of a space shuttle and discovers a plot to commit global genocide.
:''Directed by [[w:Lewis Gilbert|Lewis Gilbert]]. Written by [[w:Christopher Wood|Christopher Wood]], based on [[w:Moonraker (novel)|the novel]] by [[Ian Fleming]].'' 
{{center|'''Moonraker Is Out Of This World''' &lt;small&gt;[[#Taglines|taglines]]&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Hugo Drax ==
* ''[addressing his staff aboard the space station]'' First there was the dream, now there is reality. Here, in the untainted cradle of the heavens, will be created a new super race, a race of perfect physical specimens. You have been selected as its progenitors; like Gods, your offspring will return to Earth and shape it in their image. You have all served in public capacities in my terrestrial empire. Your seed, like yourselves, will pay deference to the ultimate dynasty which I alone have created. From their first day on Earth they will be able to look up and know that there is law and order in the heavens.
* ''[after Bond and Dr. Goodhead have shut down the cloaking device on Drax's space station, exposing it to the world]'' James Bond. You appear with the tedious inevitability of an unloved season.
* Mr Bond…you defy all my attempts to plan an amusing death for you.
* Allow me to introduce you to the airlock chamber. Observe, Mr Bond, your route from this world to the next. ''[opens airlock door]'' And you, Dr. Goodhead, your desire to become America's first woman in space will shortly be fulfilled.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Bond''': Excuse me my name is Bond, James Bond. I'm looking for Dr. Goodhead.
:'''Dr. Goodhead''': You just found her.
:'''Bond''': A woman!
:'''Dr. Goodhead''': Your powers of observation do you credit, Mr Bond.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''James Bond''': Oh, I suppose you're right. We would be better off working together. Détente?
:'''Dr. Holly Goodhead''': Agreed.
:'''James Bond''': Understanding?
:'''Goodhead''': Possibly.
:'''Bond''': Co-operation?
:'''Goodhead''': Maybe.
:'''Bond''': Trust?
:'''Goodhead''': Out of the question.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Corinne Dufour''': My mother gave me a list of things not to do on a first date...
:'''James Bond''': Maybe you won’t need it. That’s not what I came for.
:'''Dufour''': ''[disappointed]'' No? What do you want then?
:''[Later, when they are about to have sex]''
:'''Bond''': What about that list of your mother's?
:'''Dufour''': I never learned to read.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[during a pheasant hunt, one of Drax's henchmen hides in a tree, waiting to shoot Bond. At Drax's prompt, Bond aims at some pheasants and fires]''
:'''Hugo Drax''': You missed, Mr. Bond.
:''[The dead henchman falls from the tree, killed by Bond's shot.]''
:'''James Bond''': ''[smugly]'' Did I? ''[returns shotgun]'' As you said: &quot;Such a good sport.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Corinne Dufour''': You called for me, Mr. Drax?
:'''Hugo Drax''': You were with Bond last night in my study.
:'''Dufour''': No! I...
:'''Drax''': You showed him the safe.
:'''Dufour''': I didn’t!
:'''Drax''': I’m terminating your employment. You will leave immediately.
:''[Drax has Chang release his dogs, which chase Corinne into the woods and kill her.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Holly Goodhead''': Have you broken something?
:'''James Bond''': Only my tailor's heart. ''[Goodhead kisses him]'' What was that for?
:'''Goodhead''': For saving my life.
:'''Bond''': Remind me to do it more often!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugo Drax''': Why did you break up the encounter with my pet python?
:'''James Bond''': I discovered it had a crush on me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drax holds off Bond with a laser pistol]''
:'''Hugo Drax''': At least I shall have the pleasure of putting you out of my misery. ''[Bond raises his hands]'' Desolated, Mr Bond?
:''[Bond fires the dart gun in his wristband, hitting Drax in the chest with a poisonous dart]''
:'''James Bond''': Heartbroken, Mr Drax. ''[Drax gasps and staggers back towards an airlock]'' Allow me. ''[he lets Drax into the airlock]'' Take a giant step for mankind!
:''[Bond expels Drax out the airlock into space, while Dr. Holly Goodhead arrives as the spaceship gets ready to self-destruct]''
:'''Dr. Holly Goodhead''': Where's Drax?
:'''Bond''': Oh, he had to fly.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''M''': ''[watching Bond and Dr. Goodhead having sex in the space shuttle, via its onboard camera]'' Double O Seven...!
:'''Sir Frederick Gray''': My God, what's Bond doing?
:'''Q''': ''[looking at a radar screen]'' I think he's attempting re-entry sir. ''[Bond looks up and smiles at the camera before unplugging it]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[the movie's last lines]''
:'''Dr. Holly Goodhead''': James?
:'''James Bond''': I think it may be time to go home.
:'''Goodhead''': Take me 'round the world one more time.
:'''Bond''': Why not?

== Taglines ==
* Moonraker Is Out Of This World
* Where all the other Bonds end... this one begins!
* Now outer space now belongs to James Bond 007
* The girls are out of this world
* The villains are out of this world
* Outer space now belongs to 007

== Cast ==
* [[Roger Moore]] - [[w:James Bond (character)|James Bond]]:
* [[w:Michael Lonsdale|Michael Lonsdale]] - [[w:Hugo Drax|Hugo Drax]]
* [[w:Lois Chiles|Lois Chiles]] - [[w:Holly Goodhead|Holly Goodhead]]
* [[w:Toshiro Suga|Toshiro Suga]] - Chang
* [[w:Richard Kiel|Richard Kiel]] - Jaws
* [[w:Corinne Clery|Corinne Clery]] - [[w:Corinne Dufour|Corinne Dufour]]
* [[w:Bernard Lee|Bernard Lee]] - [[w:M (James Bond)|M]]
* [[w:Lois Maxwell|Lois Maxwell]] - [[w:Miss Moneypenny|Miss Moneypenny]]
* [[w:Desmond Llewelyn|Desmond Llewelyn]] - [[w:Q (James Bond)|Q]]
* [[w:Geoffrey Keen|Geoffrey Keen]] - Sir Fredrick Gray
* [[w:Walter Gotell|Walter Gotell]] - General Gogol

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0079574|title=Moonraker}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=moonraker|title=Moonraker}}

&lt;!-- Do not include what is after this line in mainspace pages--&gt;

[[Category:1979 films]]
[[Category:Action films]]
[[Category:Films based on novels]]
[[Category:James Bond 007]]
[[Category:Space adventure films]]
[[Category:Films about astronauts]]
[[Category:Films about terrorism]]</text>
      <sha1>l0rarafnq7ch0tfy7ye8xcnjlupjy0v</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147992</id>
      <parentid>3147991</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T03:26:08Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Eaglestorm</username>
        <id>16205</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Dialogue */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="6306" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
[[File:Moonraker-logo.svg|thumb]]
'''''[[w:Moonraker (film)|Moonraker]]''''' is a [[w:1979 in film|1979 film]] in which James Bond investigates the mid-flight theft of a space shuttle and discovers a plot to commit global genocide.
:''Directed by [[w:Lewis Gilbert|Lewis Gilbert]]. Written by [[w:Christopher Wood|Christopher Wood]], based on [[w:Moonraker (novel)|the novel]] by [[Ian Fleming]].'' 
{{center|'''Moonraker Is Out Of This World''' &lt;small&gt;[[#Taglines|taglines]]&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Hugo Drax ==
* ''[addressing his staff aboard the space station]'' First there was the dream, now there is reality. Here, in the untainted cradle of the heavens, will be created a new super race, a race of perfect physical specimens. You have been selected as its progenitors; like Gods, your offspring will return to Earth and shape it in their image. You have all served in public capacities in my terrestrial empire. Your seed, like yourselves, will pay deference to the ultimate dynasty which I alone have created. From their first day on Earth they will be able to look up and know that there is law and order in the heavens.
* ''[after Bond and Dr. Goodhead have shut down the cloaking device on Drax's space station, exposing it to the world]'' James Bond. You appear with the tedious inevitability of an unloved season.
* Mr Bond…you defy all my attempts to plan an amusing death for you.
* Allow me to introduce you to the airlock chamber. Observe, Mr Bond, your route from this world to the next. ''[opens airlock door]'' And you, Dr. Goodhead, your desire to become America's first woman in space will shortly be fulfilled.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Bond''': Excuse me my name is Bond, James Bond. I'm looking for Dr. Goodhead.
:'''Dr. Goodhead''': You just found her.
:'''Bond''': A woman!
:'''Dr. Goodhead''': Your powers of observation do you credit, Mr Bond.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''James Bond''': Oh, I suppose you're right. We would be better off working together. ''Détente''?
:'''Dr. Holly Goodhead''': Agreed.
:'''James Bond''': Understanding?
:'''Goodhead''': Possibly.
:'''Bond''': Co-operation?
:'''Goodhead''': Maybe.
:'''Bond''': Trust?
:'''Goodhead''': Out of the question.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Corinne Dufour''': My mother gave me a list of things not to do on a first date...
:'''James Bond''': Maybe you won’t need it. That’s not what I came for.
:'''Dufour''': ''[disappointed]'' No? What do you want then?
:''[Later, when they are about to have sex]''
:'''Bond''': What about that list of your mother's?
:'''Dufour''': I never learned to read.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[during a pheasant hunt, one of Drax's henchmen hides in a tree, waiting to shoot Bond. At Drax's prompt, Bond aims at some pheasants and fires]''
:'''Hugo Drax''': You missed, Mr. Bond.
:''[The dead henchman falls from the tree, killed by Bond's shot.]''
:'''James Bond''': ''[smugly]'' Did I? ''[returns shotgun]'' As you said: &quot;Such a good sport.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Corinne Dufour''': You called for me, Mr. Drax?
:'''Hugo Drax''': You were with Bond last night in my study.
:'''Dufour''': No! I...
:'''Drax''': You showed him the safe.
:'''Dufour''': I didn’t!
:'''Drax''': I’m terminating your employment. You will leave immediately.
:''[Drax has Chang release his dogs, which chase Corinne into the woods and kill her.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Holly Goodhead''': Have you broken something?
:'''James Bond''': Only my tailor's heart. ''[Goodhead kisses him]'' What was that for?
:'''Goodhead''': For saving my life.
:'''Bond''': Remind me to do it more often!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugo Drax''': Why did you break up the encounter with my pet python?
:'''James Bond''': I discovered it had a crush on me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drax holds off Bond with a laser pistol]''
:'''Hugo Drax''': At least I shall have the pleasure of putting you out of my misery. ''[Bond raises his hands]'' Desolated, Mr Bond?
:''[Bond fires the dart gun in his wristband, hitting Drax in the chest with a poisonous dart]''
:'''James Bond''': Heartbroken, Mr Drax. ''[Drax gasps and staggers back towards an airlock]'' Allow me. ''[he lets Drax into the airlock]'' Take a giant step for mankind!
:''[Bond expels Drax out the airlock into space, while Dr. Holly Goodhead arrives as the spaceship gets ready to self-destruct]''
:'''Dr. Holly Goodhead''': Where's Drax?
:'''Bond''': Oh, he had to fly.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''M''': ''[watching Bond and Dr. Goodhead having sex in the space shuttle, via its onboard camera]'' Double O Seven...!
:'''Sir Frederick Gray''': My God, what's Bond doing?
:'''Q''': ''[looking at a radar screen]'' I think he's attempting re-entry sir. ''[Bond looks up and smiles at the camera before unplugging it]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[the movie's last lines]''
:'''Dr. Holly Goodhead''': James?
:'''James Bond''': I think it may be time to go home.
:'''Goodhead''': Take me 'round the world one more time.
:'''Bond''': Why not?

== Taglines ==
* Moonraker Is Out Of This World
* Where all the other Bonds end... this one begins!
* Now outer space now belongs to James Bond 007
* The girls are out of this world
* The villains are out of this world
* Outer space now belongs to 007

== Cast ==
* [[Roger Moore]] - [[w:James Bond (character)|James Bond]]:
* [[w:Michael Lonsdale|Michael Lonsdale]] - [[w:Hugo Drax|Hugo Drax]]
* [[w:Lois Chiles|Lois Chiles]] - [[w:Holly Goodhead|Holly Goodhead]]
* [[w:Toshiro Suga|Toshiro Suga]] - Chang
* [[w:Richard Kiel|Richard Kiel]] - Jaws
* [[w:Corinne Clery|Corinne Clery]] - [[w:Corinne Dufour|Corinne Dufour]]
* [[w:Bernard Lee|Bernard Lee]] - [[w:M (James Bond)|M]]
* [[w:Lois Maxwell|Lois Maxwell]] - [[w:Miss Moneypenny|Miss Moneypenny]]
* [[w:Desmond Llewelyn|Desmond Llewelyn]] - [[w:Q (James Bond)|Q]]
* [[w:Geoffrey Keen|Geoffrey Keen]] - Sir Fredrick Gray
* [[w:Walter Gotell|Walter Gotell]] - General Gogol

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0079574|title=Moonraker}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=moonraker|title=Moonraker}}

&lt;!-- Do not include what is after this line in mainspace pages--&gt;

[[Category:1979 films]]
[[Category:Action films]]
[[Category:Films based on novels]]
[[Category:James Bond 007]]
[[Category:Space adventure films]]
[[Category:Films about astronauts]]
[[Category:Films about terrorism]]</text>
      <sha1>ns3i3hto1lgz6ozclk36i7dtpt96p3w</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Dexter's Laboratory</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>107775</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147472</id>
      <parentid>3147202</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T16:39:55Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2603:6081:3000:2D26:A11A:5A5D:EE20:7E33</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Dexter's Rival */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="63668" xml:space="preserve">Episodes

== Season 1 ==
=== Dimwit Dexter ===
*'''Factory Worker #1''': Sir, he can't make much long!
*'''Factory Worker #2''': Just a little longer.
*'''Factory Worker #3''': His sim asses are firing in arming incredibly rage.
*'''Factory Worker #4''': Puncher rising!
*'''Factory Worker #5''': She can't take it!
*'''Factory Worker #6''': She's gonna blow!
*''[Angrily, Dexter's face turns red, and Dexter begins to let out a loud yell with rage]''
*'''Factory Worker #7''': RUN!!! (The factory workers flee and run away)
*''[Cut to the outside of Dexter's Lab, Dexter explodes his clothes off and causes fires in his lab]''
*''[The same explosion, the brain factory explodes]''
*''[After the explosion, Dexter was seen naked and filled with rage]''
*'''Factory Worker #8''': Shut it down.
*''[The factory workers shut down the emotion factory]''
*''[After the emotion factory shuts down, Dexter is seen naked and emotionless]''
*'''Factory Worker #9''': He said all the systems have shut down.
*'''Neighbor Boy''': Hey, everyone! Dexter's running around in his underpants! (echoing) Underpants! Underpants! Underpants!
*''[As Dexter fills himself to maximum capacity with a water nose,he sprays water everywhere]''

=== Dee Deemensional ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Oh Dexter! Dexter! Dexter! Come quick! You have to help! It's terrible! You sent me and you're all gross and-
:'''Dexter''': ''[Annoyed]'' This better be important, woman. You are interrupting my very delicate calculations.
:'''Dee Dee''': I have a message for you from the future.
:'''Dexter''': ''[Taps his index finger on the table]'' From the future, huh?
:'''Dee Dee''': Yes. You sent me back in time to-
:'''Dexter''': Stop! If there was a message so important that it would require time travel, I would certainly not entrust it to my ''idiot'' sister. I would send myself. In other words...''[Shouting]'' I would not send you back in time even if..! If..if...''[Shouting]'' I was being eaten alive!
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[Sobbing]'' Oh Dexter! Why are you being so terrible?!
:'''Dexter''': Please...I have no time for your tears. Why don't you go back outside and talk to trees or whatever it is you do?
:'''Dee Dee''': Fine! I will! And I'm not ever giving you the message! ''[Runs out of the lab, crying]''
:'''Dexter''': ''[Shrugs it off and continues work]'' Fine with me.

=== Dial M for Monkey: Magmanamus ===

=== Maternal Combat ===
:[''Dad happily returns home to find two smoking robots and the shifty looking kids'']
:'''Dad''': Hello honey! Hello Dexter! Hello Dee Dee! Hello honey! (''heads upstairs'') Hello honey!

=== Dexter Dodgeball ===
:'''Dexter''': ''[Hands his excuse note to the &quot;Coach&quot; and happly walks away]'' If you need me, I'll be in the Science Lab.
:'''Substitute Coach''': What is this crap?
:'''Dexter''': ''[Turns around in shock]'' Who are you?
:'''Substitute Coach''': I'm your Substitute Coach.
:'''Dexter''': But, But, But...
:'''Substitute Coach''': '''QUIET!'''
:'''Dexter''':...But My Excuse!
:'''Substitute Coach''': ''[Rips the excuse letter in half]'' What Excuse?! Now! Suit up! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': You're out!

=== Dial M for Monkey: Rasslor ===
:'''Rasslor''': Welcome heroes of Earth!! You have been chosen to receive the most glorious of gifts! The opportunity to face me, the great Rasslor, in a contest of strength and skill! For Aeons, I have scoured the cosmos searching for the one adversary who could provide me with suitable sport! Although, I have yet to find such a noble soul. Each creature, each race, more pitiful than the last. So I spare them the disgrace of their weakness by destroying their worlds! And now my quest has brought me to this timid little planet you call Earth. So, terrestrial heroes, can one of you quench my thirst for the divine conflict, the supreme struggle?! Or will your planet be doomed to the same fate that has befallen so many?
:''[The heroes stare at him, confused]''
:'''Heroes''': ...What?
:'''Rasslor''': Fight me or I destroy the Earth! Now let the games begin!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rasslor''': Incredible. I could crush your body, I could smash your bones, but I could never break your spirit. You are a marvel little monkey. Any world that could spawn one as noble as you is truly blessed. I SPARE YOUR EARTH!!!

=== Dexter's Assistant ===
:'''Dexter''': Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[sweetly]'' Assistant?
:'''Dee Dee''': Yes?
:'''Dexter''': Would you please assist me by...SHUTTING UP!?

=== Dexter's Rival ===
:'''Mandark''': Yes, Dexter, I ''can'' read your thoughts, and I ''am'' smarter than you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mandark''': Welcome to my laboratory! (Echoing) Laboratory! Laboratory!

=== Jurassic Pooch ===
:'''Dexter''': ''[to the audience]'' Anybody want to buy a dinosaur? ''[episode ends]''

=== Dee Dee's Room ===
:'''Dexter''': Why am I breathing so hard?

=== Star Spangled Sidekicks ===
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[laughs at Dexter's speech for wanting to be Major Glory's sidekick]''
:'''Dexter''': And what is so humorous about that? ''[Dee Dee continues laughing]'' Dee Dee stop this laughing this instant!
:'''Dee Dee''': Okay, okay Dexter, don't get your underwear into a wrinkle. Look...You're my brother and all so I'll be honest with ya...''[amused]'' You've gotta be kidding me! ''[seriously]'' You don't got what takes. Just look at ya...''[measures Dexter]'' You're two foot nothing. ''[camera zooms on Dexter's glasses]'' You can barely see ''[puts her arm around Dexter's shoulder]'' and besides everything...You're a dork! ''[smiles]''
:'''Dexter''': ''[yells in frustration]'' 
:'''Dexter''': And I suppose you have what it takes to be a superhero's sidekick?
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[shrugs]'' Of course. I have style, pizzazz, and I can punch and kick some. You know. ''[Dexter opens his mouth to talk]'' Yes?
:'''Dexter''': ''[drops it]'' Forget it. ''[walks upstairs]'' There's nothing to be said. I will be Major Glory's sidekick and you will not.
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[shouts upstairs]'' That's what you think Dexter!
:'''Dexter''': No, Dee Dee! That's what I know.

=== Game Over ===
:'''Dexter''': 'Master Computer?' Wow dad, thanks, a video game... An OLD video game...
:'''Dad''': Well, I know how much you like gadgets and stuff, Dexter, but what you've got there is more than just a video game: It's a bargain! Got it for a nickel from a gypsy!

=== Babysitter Blues ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Hello!
:'''Dexter''': Dee Dee, get off the phone!
:'''Dee Dee''': Okay, but I'm still trying to find whatever it was I was looking for.
:'''Dexter''': Great, okay, bye.
:'''Dee Dee''': Bye!
:'''Dexter''': Bye.
:'''Dee Dee''': Bye!
:'''Dexter''': BYE!

:'''Dexter''': (''sounds like Lisa's boyfriend on her end of the phone'') Oh, I guess we just got cut off. But I wanted to call you back and tell you that you have got cooties and I am love with....with...my football. Bye.

=== Dream Machine ===
:'''Dexter''': Well, if you are the grandfather of all knowledge, that means it's...'''I'M IN A NIGHTMARE!!!!

=== The Big Cheese ===
:'''Dexter''': Omelette du fromage.

=== Way of the Dee Dee ===
:'''Dexter''': (enraged at Dee Dee) '''WHY DO YOU DO THIS?! YOU ARE SO STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! '''Oh, and let's not forget...'''''YOU'RE SO STUPID!'''''
:'''Dee Dee''': Ow! (Rubs her face) Oh yeah!? Well just because I know how to have fun doesn't mean I'm stupid! I may not know all that scientifical makna logical stuff, but I know how to climb a tree, and I know how to pet a kitty just right. And I know how to tie my own shoes Mr zipper boot!... Actually, I feel sorry for you, Dexter. You're like a pickle - sour, and all bottled up in your laboratory. Toiling away alone in the dark, searching for answers to questions nobody asked. Locked away from the world, never to experience the ''true'' mysteries of life. Well, you can keep your cold, sterile little lab, because for me, the world is my laboratory! Goodbye, Dexter. I shan't impose on you ever again.
:''[She leaves the lab; after a moment of silent contemplation, Dexter rushes out after her]''
:'''Dexter''': DEE DEE! ''[sadly]'' Everything you said was true! I don't want to be a pickle! But I need your help. Show me the way to be free, show me the way of the Dee Dee!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': Discard those ravlings which tie you to the lab. ''[Dexter looks down at his clothes]'' There must be a stripping of the old, before you start anew. ''[The next shot shows Dexter in just his underwear and gloves, in a nervous &quot;Ta-Da!&quot; pose]'' AND the gloves. ''[He reluctantly pulls them off]'' Now step into the light.
:'''Dexter''': But, I don't have any sunscreen.
:'''Dee Dee''': Do not fear, little one. The first step is always the hardest.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[slaps Dexter]'' Stop it, Dexter! Look at yourself! You're a MONSTER! No longer a quiet creator but a mad destroyer! ''[sobs]'' I'm so sorry! I shouldn't have pushed you! I know now it wasn't my place to try to change you! Oh Dexter, please forgive me. [Dexter reaches his hand out to Dee Dee. She then leaves the lab]'' OH, WHAT HAVE I DONE?! ''[still sobbing]''

=== Say Uncle Sam ===
:'''Major Glory''': Now we are going to over this again and again and again untill we get it right! Comprende?
:''[Valhallen and Crunk glare at Major Glory angrily]''
:'''Major Glory''': ''[Nervously]'' Perhaps I've pushed you too hard

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Major Glory''': Uncle Sam! What happened to you?!
:'''Uncle Sam''': Doctor's orders, nephew. Told me I was too high strung. Told me to loosen up. And I feel great.

=== Monstory ===
:'''Dexter''': This isn't one of your stupid knock-knock jokes, is it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[as a spider-like monster]'' Dexter! I see you!
:'''Dexter''': ''[drinks a vat of chemical waste nearby and confronts Dee Dee as a Godzilla-like monster]'' This ends now!
:'''Dee Dee''': But I'm not finished!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Dee Dee defeats Dexter after they fight as giant monsters]''
:'''Dee Dee''': NOW you'll listen! So the boy told the girl in the park on the pony... &quot;Knock-knock!&quot;
:'''Dexter''': NOOOOOO!!!!

== Season 2 ==
=== Beard to Be Feared ===
:'''Dee Dee''': That is one rugged brother...
:'''Mee-Mee and Lee-Lee''': Shut your mouth!
:'''Dee Dee''': I'm only talkin' 'bout Dexter.
:'''Mee-Mee and Lee-Lee''': We can dig it.

=== Ant Pants ===
:'''Dexter''': Ants are...
:'''Dee Dee''': Icky!
:'''Dexter''': To be respected.
:'''Dee Dee''': Icky!
:'''Dexter''': To be respected.
:'''Dee Dee''': Icky!
:'''Dexter''': To be respected.

=== Chubby Cheese ===
:'''Evil Commander''': We will meet again, little man.
:'''Pedro The Mouse''': Yes!

=== That Crazy Robot ===
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mom''': (To Dee Dee) Dee Dee, you've got to go to school.
:'''Dee Dee''': (To the robot) School schmool. I want to stay home and play with you!
:'''Robot''': I'll come to school with you.
:'''Dee Dee''': Silly robot! School is for kids.
:'''Robot''': Please? I'll polish your pencils, carry your books, eat your sandwich, yum. (bites sandwich)

=== D &amp; DD ===
:'''Dee Dee:''' You can be this guy!
:'''Dexter''': What?!
:'''Valerian''': Well, it seems Hodo the furry-footed burrower has joined in our quest!
:'''Dexter''': I don't wanna be no furry-footed burrower.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter/Hodo''': I unsheath my deadly...mandolin?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dee Dee/Bachelorette''': Okay, say we're stranded alone on an island. Do you have any skills that would come in handy, bachelor number 4?
:'''Dexter/Hodo''': I'd dig holes.

=== Hamhocks and Armlocks ===
:'''Dexter''': ''[Shouting at the truck passing by]'' Hey! Who do you think you are?! King of the Road?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': What are Hamhocks?
:'''Dee Dee''': They're gross!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dad''': Earl! You can humilate me. You can destroy my property. But don't you ever close a door on a lady, especially my Wife! You and me wrestle. Be there...or be square!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dad''': Earl! You ready, Earl? Let's do this!

=== The Koos is Loose ===
:'''Koosalagoopagoop''': You know, if you turn your lips inside out, you can look like Jimmy Carter.

=== Book 'Em ===
:'''Dexter''': More learning material...? ''[gasps and looks at the library stamp]'' No stamp?! This book has been illegally checked out!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mrs L''': Oh, Dexter, how could you? Your actions have brought shame upon this library! For this you shall be punished! YOU'RE BANNED FROM THE LIBRARY '''FOREVER!''' ''[stamps Dexter's head that is written banned as he falls he saw Mrs L's face, three biting books, Dee Dee's creepy face with creepy teeth Dexter's Dad's face and the fire that resembles hell]''
:'''Dexter''': AAAAAAAAAAHH!!!
:'''Dee Dee''': Good-bye, Dexter.
:'''Dexter's Dad''': You are welcome.
:'''Dexter''': AAAAAAAAAAHH! ''[falls into the hole from the book written inferno Dante's with the pitchfork sign on it as he landed on a book chair]''
:'''Devil''': ''[slaps Dexter while he is laughing at Dexter]'' Welcome to library heck. ''[then he starts the evil laugh]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': The book must be returned. Just do it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': Hey! Librari-ann! We quit! You win!
:'''Dexter''': Traitor!
:'''Mrs L''': What? Why, Dee Dee, thank you for apprehending your loudmouth brother. I see good things in your future. ''[to Dexter, unhappily]'' And as for you, Mr. Dexter...
:'''Dexter''': ''[grumbles to himself and shakes]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[reading a story for Dee Dee and several other kids]'' And so, after Prince asked Mr. Grumpster to leave nicely, everyone in Snuggleville gave each other a warm, fuzzy hug. The end. ...Blech.

=== Shoo, Shoe Gnomes ===
* ''[After learning that Dee Dee was gonna pass out cookies to the gnomes]''
* '''Dexter''': Stupid me.

=== Lab of the Lost ===
:'''Dexter''': Look, there's R2-D2!

=== Labels ===
* ''[Later that night, Dexter guzzles down apple juice and cannot stop drinking it despite his bloated belly]''
* ''[Dexter, who has somehow gotten the &quot;Dee Dee&quot; label off, and Dee Dee are being made to clean off every single label as punishment for the mess they made]''
* '''Dexter''': I sure hope you're happy, Dee Dee, considering this is all your fault.
* '''Dee Dee''': No way! '''''YOU''''' started it, Dorkster! '''''YOU''''' put labels on all my dolls!
* '''Dexter''': Well, you were the one that labeled all the food!
* '''Dexter's Mom''': Honey, why is the carpet all wet here?

=== Filet of Soul ===
:'''Dad''': What can we say about our beloved Fishy?
:'''Dee Dee''': Not much, we only had him for one day.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Good night Einstein. Good night Major Glory! Good night, ghost of dead Fishy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Dee Dee! Did you see the disgusting spook-fish that almost killed me?
:'''Dee Dee''': No. I just like to run around and scream real loud!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Dee Dee! ''[Dee Dee is flushed down into the toilet bowl]'' No! Dee Dee, come back! Dee Dee, I'm ordering you to come out of this toilet!
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[her apparition appears in the shower]'' ''Dexter, help me! I am trapped in the Sewer Beyond!''
:'''Dexter''': No, you're not! I just saw you go down the toilet!
:'''Dee Dee''': ''Listen to me! There's lots of bad fishies and stuff here and they won't let me go! They won't rest until Fishy is on the other side! You've got to flush Fishy, Dexter!''
:'''Dexter''': ''[tries to reach Fishy's corpse]'' Can't reach! It's no use! My arms, they are too short!
:'''Dee Dee''': ''Come on, genius boy! Figure it out!''
:'''Dexter''': ''[grabs a toilet plunger and pulls Dee Dee out. The apparition of Dee Dee disappears from the shower and Dee Dee is freed]'' Dee Dee, flush the fish, NOW!
:''[Dee Dee tosses Fishy's corpse into the toilet bowl and flushes it down]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': Whew! I'm sure glad that's over. Huh?
:''[A tentacle extends out of the toilet bowl, grabs Dee Dee and pulls her back into the toilet]''
:'''Dexter''': LOOK OUT! EGAD!
:'''Dee Dee''': Help me! Dexter, it's pulling me back, and they're angry, Dexter, REAL ANGRY!
:'''Dexter''': ''[grabs the handle trying to pull Dee Dee free]'' Why?! We flushed the stupid fish!
:'''Dee Dee''': Its soul, Dexter! It's still in the trap! ''[the Apparition Containment Unit shakes up with a WARNING signal active in Dexter's room]'' DO SOMETHING! ''[Dexter reaches for the fishing rod and grabs it just as the toilet begins flushing her down]'' HEEEEEEEELP!!!
:''[Dexter casts his fishing rod. The line extends from the bathroom to Dexter's room, at which point the hook presses the containment unit's &quot;open&quot; button. This frees Fishy's soul and he follows the fishing line's path into the bathroom. Just as Dexter pulls Dee Dee out of the toilet, Fishy happily goes down into it and travels into the Sewer Beyond, departing into the afterlife. Dad then walks in to see the two of them sitting of the floor.]''
:'''Dad''': How many times have I told you? Early morning is daddy's special bathroom privacy time. ''[Upon the flash of lightning, he gains golden glowing eyes with slit pupils and sharp teeth and laughs maniacally]''

=== Golden Diskette ===
:'''Dexter and Prof. Hawk's fans''': You crazy girl! Look what you've done!
:'''Professor Hawk''': Not to worry boys. ''[to Dee Dee]'' Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. THANK YOU. Thank you.
:'''Dexter and Prof. Hawk's fans''': Hey! Hey! Hey! What's happening here, Professor?
:'''Professor Hawk''': Oh, now, boys, hold on. It's very simple. You see, for the past several years I focused on brain power leading my body to wither. But this young princess reminded me how important my body was, with her innocence and naivety.
:'''Dexter and Prof. Hawk's fans''': Princess?! But what about the mysterious grand prize?
:'''Professor Hawk''': Mmm-hmm. You're right. I've got it! Let's have dance contest. Whoever wins, wins the factory!

=== Snowdown ===
:'''Dexter''': I know she is my sister, a girl and the neighbourhood champ, but could you please tell Dee Dee to stop PUMMELLING ME WITH SNOWBALLS?!
:'''Dad''': Did you say...snowballs?
:'''Dexter''': Uh....Yeah....
:'''Dad''': They...called me Champ. Back when I had...the gift. (''flashes back to his childhood'') I was a natural from day one. As I grew, so did my skills. In high school, I was untouchable!
:'''High school kid''': Hey, grow up man!
:'''Dad (VO)''': They were all just jealous! Jealous of my powers! For I was a king, a force of nature, I was the ultimate snowball warrior! Then I went to college. I was never the same again! (''remembers being struck by one snowball'')
:'''Dad''': That....was the coldest winter...ever... But that's where you come in! You can help me reclaim my title!
:'''Dexter''': Why not just let Dee Dee do it?
:'''Dad''': No! Her powers are evil. Only as father and son can we truly carry on the legacy. Let the training begin!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dad''': Dexter, five words: Scoop, roll, throw, hit, duck!

=== Mock 5 ===
:'''Dad''': The first thing any racer needs is a car! All the best racers drive cars it's how they go but cars don't grow on trees! Except this one 'cos it's made of wood. Behold, the Mock 5!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mandark''': It's Racer D! The most beautiful racer in the world! Racer D.... ''[crashes his kart]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dad''': I can't look, did he crash? No! No, he did just the opposite, he won! Winning is the part I enjoy most about racing especially when the winner is my son! Congratulations Dexter, you've made me very proud.
:'''Dexter''': Thanks, Dad.
:'''Dad''': If only your.... ''[sniffling]'' older sister Dee Dee were here to see this...
:'''Dee Dee''': I'm right here, Dad!
:'''Dad''': Oh, Dee Dee..! Dee Dee, where have you been all these years?!
:'''Dee Dee''': Right behind you.
:'''Dad''': Oh, you know I never look back there, ha-ha!
'''Dexter''': Huh?! No, Monkey! That's not candy! That's boiling lava!

=== Ewww That's Growth ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Hey Dexter, looks like we're next. Dexter?!
:'''Dexter''': Oh boy! Oh boy! We're next!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': I'm on top of the WORLD!!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': This is the greatest day of my entire life! ''[his head gets hit by the top edge of the roller coaster's tunnel]''

=== A Hard Day's Day ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Mom! Dexter's mooning me!

=== Road Rash ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Can't catch me!

=== The Justice Friends: Things That Go Bonk in the Night ===
:'''Major Glory''': You want a piece of me, junior?!
:'''Puppet Pal Mitch''': Oh-hoo! You're bonking up the wrong tree, buddy!

=== Dexter is Dirty ===
:'''Mom''': Dex, it's time for your bath!
:'''Dexter''': But I'll miss my show!
:'''Mom''': Don't argue with me, young man, just do it!

=== Ice Cream Scream ===
:'''Ice Cream Man''': You are wanting to know why? You mean you do not remember?
:'''Dexter''': Remember what?
:'''Ice Cream Man''': April 19, one year ago: It is first day on job. Everything is going great, until you come. You want the most expensive ice cream. I make suggestion of cheaper ice cream, but no, you want expensive one. And after I'm giving you ice cream, you pay with PENNIES. Do you know how long it took me to count those pennies?
:'''Dexter''': Emm... at an average human rate, I'd estimate about 5 hours and 33 minutes?
:'''Ice Cream Man''': Precisely. And when the counting was done, it is time to put pennies in safe. Then I'm noticing my shoelaces untied. Now, I couldn't very well stop to tie my shoes since somebody had given me a heavy jar of pennies to hold, and the ice cream man rules say to keep any amount of money OVER a dollar in the safe. So, I trip, and I break my tooth. The pain, it is so bad. My girlfriend left me, I lose apartment, I lose car, I'm forced to live on the freeway with wild animals, I CAN'T EVEN EAT ICE CREAM BECAUSE OF THE PAIN! '''ALL BECAUSE OF YOUR STUPID PENNIES!!''' (''screams angrily, then breathes hardly'')
:'''Dexter''': (''chuckles'') You know, I still have all of my baby teeth. Ern... I'm sorry. I'm really, really, really, REALLY sorry.
:'''Ice Cream Man''': Forget about it, kid.
:'''Dexter''': Well, in that bad case, can I order my ice cream now?
:'''Ice Cream Man''': Sure.
:'''Dexter''': I'll just have a Choco-Pop, please. (''The Ice Cream Man gives him a Choco-Pop ice cream'') At last, ice cream to eat!
:'''Ice Cream Man''': Dollar fifty, please.
:'''Dexter''': (''gives a hundred dollar bill to Ice Cream Man'') You got change for a hundred?
:(''Ice Cream Man screams angrily again'')

=== Ultrajerk 2000 ===
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': Greetings, Dexter. Welcome to my laboratory.
:'''Dexter''': Emm, excuse me. But, did you say ''your'' laboratory?
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': Yes, Dexter. My laboratory. While you slumbered, I began an analysis of your primitive laboratory finding it to be highly inefficient. I discovered that by salvaging useful components and destroying obsolete ones, I was able to create this tower capable of performing functions thousands of times greater than its predecessor, rendering a former laboratory and its creator ''obsolete''. And all obsolete materials must be destroyed.
:'''Dexter''': ''[chuckles]'' Well, then. It sounds like you had a busy night. I'll just unplug it for a little while and you can get some rest. ''[Ultrabot 4000 Observation Unit attacks him]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': I have created a monster. I got to destroy him.
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': I heard that. ''[Ultrabot 4000 Observation Unit attacks him again]''
:'''Dexter''': His laboratory, eh? We'll just see about that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[arrives]'' Hi, Dexter!
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': Attention, new organism. You are intruding in my laboratory. Prepare to be destroyed.
:'''Dee Dee''': Hey, Dexter, what are you doing way up there?
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': I am not Dexter. Dexter is obsolete. I am Ultrabot 2000.
:'''Dee Dee''': Gee, Dexter. You look like Dexter.
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': Not Dexter. Ultrabot 2000. Dexter is obsolete.
:'''Dee Dee''': You sound like Dexter too, Dexter.
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': Dexter is obsolete and must be destroyed. I am Omnibot, the most efficient life form in the universe.
:'''Dee Dee''': Boy, you sure act like Dexter. And if you look like Dexter, sound like Dexter and act like Dexter, then you MUST be Dexter!
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': ''[Ultrabot 4000 Observation Units aim at it]'' I am not Dexter. Dexter must be destroyed.
:'''Dee Dee''': Whatever you say, Dexter. OK, see you later, Dexter. ''[leaves]''
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': No. Wait. Don't listen to her. ''[Ultrabot 4000 Observation Units attack it and the control tower explodes]'' ''[Dexter approaches Omnibot's slightly active eye and kicks it, shutting it down]''

=== Dee Dee Be Deep ===
* Dee Dee: [Singing] What's with all the noise, Dexter?!

=== The Muffin King ===
*'''Dad''':  Like?  Like?!  Kids, I loved her muffins more than life itself.  Those muffins are the reason I married your mother.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Dad''': [Dressed as Mom] Muffin Time!!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Dad''':[Hidden in the dark] Dexter.  Son, could you come in here for a moment?  I need to talk to you.
*'''Dexter''':  And just what is it you want?
*'''Dad''':[steps out of the shadows, with a presence like Darth Vader] Dexter.  I... am your father!
*'''Dexter'''[shocked]That is not possible![but returns back to reality]Oh wait, no, you're right.
*'''Dad''': So join me!  Come to the Muffin Side.  Do not resist.  It is your destiny.
*'''Dexter''': Never!

=== Dexter Detention ===
:'''Dexter''': We are free!!!
:'''Prison Warden''': Looks like you broke into the state prison.

=== Don't Be a Baby ===
:'''Dexter''': Computer, what the heck is going on?!
:'''Computer''': Goo goo ga ga goo goo pee-pee!
:'''Dexter''': Hmm, yes, pee-pee...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': Dad stop being a stinker!
:''[She picks Dad up and then sniffs the air smelling something stinky]
:'''Dee Dee''': Ew, speaking of stinky...time to change your diaper!
:''[She sets Dad down on the floor and proceeds to change his diaper, afterwards holding up the dirty diaper which has a large brown spot on the seat]
:'''Dee Dee''': That's better...now a little powder.
:''[She sprinkles a whole lot of baby powder which fills the air causing Dad to cough]
:'''Dee Dee''': All done!

=== Topped Off ===
:'''Dexter's Dad''': Hmm... What the? ''[cuts to mugs leaking coffee, coffee pot, and milk]'' The kitchen's a mess. Something wrong here. ''[eyes go open]'' ''[searches through cabinets]'' Coffee, coffee, where's the coffee? Hello, coffee? '''WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THE COFFEE?!?!?!'''
:'''Dee Dee''': Uh...
:'''Dexter and Dee Dee''': We drank it all. ''[Dad looks shocked, then eerily calm]''
:'''Dexter's Dad''': You... drank the coffee? ''[laughs]'' ''You'' two drank the coffee?
:'''Dexter and Dee Dee''': ''[nervous giggling]''
:'''Dexter's Dad''': ''[laughing]'' ''[goes upset]'' Where did I go wrong? I thought I was a good father. I thought I brought you kids up right. You see, kids, coffee is what we adults need to get started in the morning. It's the key to our ignition. You kids don't need it. No. You've got youth. We adults need the coffee. But now, all we have is... ''[holds up empty coffee pot]'' THIS!!! ''[tries to get a drop from the coffee pot but nothing comes out]'' Empty! A mere shell of its former self! I've seen some pretty horrible things in my life. But this... this is just... ''[lowers his voice to a hiss]'' ''SICK!'' ''[sobbing]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Dexter and Dee standing in front of Dexter's parents in their morning clothes drinking coffee]''
:'''Dexter's Dad''': Everything is going to be OKAY! We had coffee after all! ''[with a bit frightened look]'' But what if we didn't?

=== No Power Trip ===
:'''Dad''': Honey, when is the last time you washed the car?

=== The Laughing ===
:'''Clown''': Joke time! Joke time! Joke time! Alright, kids. Why is 6 afraid of 7? (beat) 'Cause 7 8 9! 
:''[the kids, minus Dexter, burst into laughter]'' 
:'''Dexter''': I don't get it.

=== Dexter's Lab: A Story ===
:[''The dog is roaming around under the table sniffing around the family'']
:'''Dad''': So, Dexter, where's your new buddy? Oh! Well, hello down there!
:'''Dog''': Hey! It's the man from before!
:'''Mom''': Oh!
:'''Dog''': This one's a lady!
:'''Mom''': He certainly is friendly.
:'''Dee Dee''': Oh!!!!!!! Yeah, a little ''too'' friendly.
:'''Dog''': IT'S THE STICK!

=== Better Off Wet ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Hmm... Now where was I going? (a bit of the roof lands on her head) POOL! (She takes off like a jack rabbit, wearing her swimsuit, and sandals, arrives at the pool outside, flips off her slippers and puts on her swimming cap) Hurry up, Dexter! (rides the slide and lands into the pool before she squirts out water)
:'''Dexter''': I am not ready yet. (He takes his hat, dressing gown, and takes off his sandals, showing his purple swimming trunks)
:'''Dexter's Mom''': Dexter, ready to get wet?!
:'''Dexter''': Almost!! (he rubs sunscreen onto his arms)
:'''Dexter's Dad''': (he appears behind Dexter's Mom) Hi, Dexter! (the camera pans in on a shocked Dexter)
:'''Dexter''':  NO!!! (He takes off)
:'''Dexter's Dad''': Dexter? (He looks around)
:'''Dexter''':  (blinks on the roof, thinking he is safe) Phew... 
:'''Dexter's Mom''':  (She jumps into the pool) Come on in, Dexter, the water's great!
:'''Dexter''': Okay, Mom.
:''' Mee Mee and Lee Lee''': Hey, Dee Dee! We're here!
:'''Dee Dee''': Hi, girls, come on in!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dexter's Dad''': Boy, they sure are talented.
:'''Dexter''': You said it. (realizes Dad was right next to him)
:'''Dexter's Dad''': Boo!
:'''Dexter''': (he screams in terror, Dad tries to push push him into the water, but he only bounces off of Dee Dee, Mee Mee, and Lee Lee's heads. He pants only for a short while) Phew!
:'''Dexter's Dad''': Darn, I just can't get that kid! (He notices Dexter's Mom walking up to the pool) Oh, well! (Dad pushes Mom into the pool)
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dexter's Dad''':  Good job, son, you finally made it in the pool.
:'''Dexter''': Thanks, Dad, I don't know I was so shy of the water. (Dexter's Parents and sister laugh because Dexter is naked because he has lost his trunks!)

=== Let's Save the World You Jerk! ===
:''[Earth is destroyed by meteors]''
:'''Dexter''': That was all your fault, you gnome!
:'''Mandark''': No way! You're taking the heat for this one, Dexter!

=== Rushmore Rumble ===
:'''Dexter''': [screaming]
:'''Dee Dee''': HI DEXTER! Penny for your throughts?
:'''Dexter''': I'm thinking Lincoln!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Timmy's Mom''': Timmy, why don't you go and play outside?
:'''Timmy''': Is it safe?
:'''Timmy's Mom''': Well if course it is.
:'''Timmy''': Okay. ''[runs outside the house]'' La La La La La La La La La La La. ''[plays with toy cars, sees the giant statues of Washington and Lincoln walking by, then screams, runs back to the house and slams the door]''

=== Paper Route Bout ===
:'''mandark''': i have this one with to take over the world!
:'''hector con carne''': what did you say?

=== The Old Switcharooms ===
:'''Mom''': You Kids are in big trouble.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Dee Dee and Dad enter Dee Dee's room and see that Dexter has destroyed it and is naked]''
:'''Dad''': Argh!
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[gasps]'' Dexter, you're naked! ''[knocks the trophy out Dad's hands, destroying it]''
:'''Dexter''': Now look what you did Dee Dee. You clumsy fool!
:'''Dad''': Argh!
:''[Cut to Dexter who is now in the doghouse, having switched &quot;rooms&quot; with the family dog]''
:'''Dexter''': Uh? Well, at least I don't have to worry about the dog destroying my lab.
:''[Cut to the dog barking and howling and destroying Dexter's lab]''

=== Trick or Treehouse ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Well, well. Look who's smaller than a breadbox.
:'''Dexter''': ''[inside the breadbox]'' Dee Dee! Let me out of here!
:'''Dee Dee''': Ha! I didn't know you could stick your beak into my business, and to get even, I get to go play around in your lab.
:'''Dexter''': Please! Dee Dee! No! No! Let me out!
:'''Dee Dee''': See you 'round, shortbread!
:'''Dexter''': Dee Dee! No! No! Please! Let me out! No! No! Please! No! No! No! No!
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[giggles in Dexter's laboratory]''
:'''Dexter''': Please! No! No!

=== Accent You Hate ===
:'''Gary''': You know, kid. You’ve got a funny accents. And if you haven’t read I hate kids with funny accents.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gary''': Get away from me! SHUT UP! '''''I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!'''''
:''[The statue punches Gary. The kids gasp. Gary's face grows red and big]''
:'''Gary''': My face! It hurts!
:'''Pirate Kid''': Arr! Now look who has the funny accent!

=== DiM ===
:'''Dee Dee''': You know they're all gonna burn out eventually.
:'''Dexter''': I know...

=== Repairanoid === 
:'''Mom''': When an electrical problem arises, I call a specialist! ''[Dad appears with a helmet and tool belt]'' No, honey. Not you.

=== sdrawkcaB (Backwards) ===
:'''Dexter''': ''[wears a Reverse Belt and walks backwards]'' !skrow tI !skrow tI .elbidercni si siht ,woW .snoitca nwo ym esrever yllautca oT ''[to Robot]'' .drawrof ,hguone si taht ,toboR ,yakO .drawroF ''[starts to get angry]'' --rof ,ydaerla thgirlA ''[gasps in reverse]'' .em ylliS ''[laughs in reverse]'' .mehA ''[to normal]'' ''Forward''.
:'''Robot''': Forward. ''[sets the lever from Reverse to Forward to Red to Green]''
:'''Dexter''': ''[walks normally]'' Wow, my Reverse Belt is a success!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Reverse! ''[[falling up with activating switch]'' ''Forward!'' ''[falling down]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[gasps]'' Dee Dee?! ''[switch activates]'' !?eeD eeD ''[gasps in reverse]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': You! What do you think you're doing? Do you have any idea what trouble you have been causing? First, I lose my lunch, and then Mom is gonna kill me, and Dad is probably in the hospital, and another thing--

=== The Continuum of Cartoon Fools ===
:'''Dexter''': Ah... Now I can get some work done in peace.
:[''The screen pans over to reveal Dee Dee working on an invention'']:
:'''Dee Dee''': Hey Dexter, can you please pass the atomizer?
:'''Dexter''': Oh certainly. (He than screams in shock that Dee Dee has gotten in his lab again, and Dee Dee unwillingly screams with him. They both stop and breath very hard.)
:'''Dexter''': (Dexter began to get angry.) All right, how the heck did you get in here?! (He pushes her to a tube) Did you get in through the 2-Dimensional Facial Filter? (He presses a button and then Dee Dee started to inflate with her body over filling the tube she was in. She then turns completely flat and then is rushed down a very narrow passage way.) Yes! (Dexter then pulls out a lazer gun called the discom bobulatur and zaps the 2-Dimensional Facial Filter destroying it. Dee Dee now completely flat suddenly walks up to Dexter.)
:'''Dee Dee''': No.
:'''Dexter''': Did you get in through the secret Molecular Disconfiguration Access Port? (He tosses the flat Dee Dee inside, presses a button, and Dee Dee was absorbed into molecules and is shot out of the lab. Dexter then grabs out a lazer gun called the meltron and zaps the Molecular Disconfiguration Access Port melting it. Dee Dee in normal shape again appears next to Dexter.)
:'''Dee Dee''': No.
:'''Dexter''': A ha! You came in through the secret Sky Port. (They come into a room with a pigeon in it. The pigeon coos at them.)
:'''Dee Dee''': You're kidding?
:'''Dexter''': Cassius, emergency exit! (Cassius then grabs on to Dee Dee's pigtails and flies her out of the lab.)
:'''Cassius''': It's a living.
:'''Dexter''': (Boards up the sky port.) Phew

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:[''Dexter swallows the key to the secret bookcase entrance'']
:'''Dexter''': THERE! NOW NO ONE'S GETTING IN! ''[maniacal laugh]''
:'''Dee Dee''': Hmmm... Yep. ''No one's'' getting into Dexter's Lab now. ''[leaves]''
:''[Dexter's smile of insanity turns into a look of horror]''
:'''Dexter''':  ......Uhhh, oh my dear... In my overwhelming zeal to banish my sister from the lab, I have indeed locked myself out! Too blinded was I not to foresee the most piteous of fates. I have thus performed the ultimate tragic irony! ''[now standing in front of the 'The End' title card]'' Surely, I am the fool of fools on a par with no other. I am no better than [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wile_E._Coyote that stupid coyote] or [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daffy_Duck that crazy duck]! Look at me, ''look at me!'' I am locked in a continuum of cartoon fools! I am doomed to a life of comic mishap adventures and social indignations! And now, here I stand before you, beaten, defeated and alone...

=== Misplaced in Space ===
:'''Alien''': Gork.
:'''Dexter''': (''translating on his watch'') 'Food?' Yeah, 'food'. You ate mine, yours, and everybody else's!
:'''Alien''': Gork.
:'''Dexter''': You can't still be hungry
:'''Alien''': Gork...
:'''Dexter''': Wh...Why are you looking at me like that?
:'''Alien''': GORK!

=== Dee Dee's Rival ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Dexter! Dexter! ''[Dexter smashed his control with a hammer]'' Oh Dexter. I'm so glad you're here! I need your help! There's a new girl in dance class and she thinks she's better than me. And I want to be a star of the show and thought... 
:'''Lala Vala''': ...use your science junk to help me beat that skinny creep.
:'''Dee Dee''': I have to win, Dexter. Or else...
:'''Lala Vala''': ...I'll be forced to break your nerdy...
:'''Dee Dee''': ...face any of the kids in class again! Please! Oh please! Oh... 
:'''Mandark''': ...Oh Please don't hurt me! Please don't hurt me! I'll do it. 
:'''Dexter''': But you better keep up your end of the bargain and I'll handle the rest. 
:'''Dee Dee''': Oh thank you, Dexter. ''[kisses Dexter's nose and laughs]''

'''Lala Vala''' ''[flings Mandark's nose and laughs]''

=== Pslightly Psycho ===
:'''Dexter, Dee Dee and Dad''': Happy Mother's Day!
:'''Mom''': New Gloves!

=== Blackfoot and Slim ===
:'''Narrator''': The Concrete Jungle. Deep within its seemingly endless towers, glass, steel and mortar, life exists.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Narrator''': For someday, we shall return to check up on this wonderful creature. This wonderful world of Blackfoot.

=== Trapped With a Vengeance ===
:'''Yani:''' ''[narrating]'' My job is simple. After the designated hours of education, the children exit to return home, while I clean, sweep and prepare their environment for the next day of education in sterile surroundings. For I am Yani the janitor. It is an uncomplicated job that leaves me much time after to spend with my beloved wife, but one children continues to complicate situation and torture. Night after night, he stays much time past designated hours, and when he decides to go he leaves a residue of filth that prolongs me for my beloved for several more hours. And when I return home, my love is taking a slumber and waking her would be catastrophical. So I wait and I plan, until the day that he will be to exit quickly for something important, for then I will have him... TRAPPED WITH A VENGEANCE!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Yani:''' Yello, Dexter. 
:'''Dexter:''' What're ya, crazy or somethin'?!

=== The Parrot Trap ===
:'''Dexter's Parrot:''' (in Dee Dee's voice) Dexter's a cookie!
:'''Dexter:''' (angrily) I am not a cookie!
:'''Dexter's Parrot:''' Dexter's a cookie!
:'''Dexter:''' Am not!
:'''Dexter's Parrot:''' Are too, cookie! (''Dexter violently shakes the stick the parrot is on, and it switches into Dexter's voice'') I'm gonna bop you one, girl! (''Dexter slams the parrot onto his desk, and it segues back into Dee Dee's voice) COOKIE! (Dexter repeatedly slams the parrot onto the table, until it is later seen beaten nearly into submission, and is flying away)
:'''Dexter:''' Good riddance! That has to be my worst invention yet!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Dexter's Dad:''' Who's trying to sneak up on me?
:'''Parrot:''' Dexter, boy genius. Dexter the cookie!
:'''Dexter's Dad:''' Shhhh I'm trying to watch my show!
:'''Parrot:''' I'm gonna bop you!
:'''Dexter's Dad:''' That is no way to talk to you-
:'''Parrot:''' You are a stupid girl! Get out get out get out! Yup yup yup! Don't touch anything!
:''(Dexter's Dad crawls away in fear)''
:'''Dexter's Dad:''' I-I-I-I-I'm sorry
:'''Dexter's Parrot:''' (in Dee Dee's voice) You're a cookie! (in Dexter's voice) Get out get out get out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Dexter's Mom:''' Alright, let's see. I'll need two eggs...
:''(Dexter's Mom cracks open two eggs and places them into the cooking bowl beside her)''
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' One stick of butter...
:''(Takes a stick of butter placed near her and places it into the cooking bowl)''
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' A half a cup of sugar...
:''(Dexter's Mom walks over to the left side of the kitchen counter where several containers lay as well as Dexter's Parrot. Mom takes some sugar and places it into the cooking bowl)''
:''(Dexter's Mom walks over to a spice rack inside the kitchen where various spices are seen as well as Dexter's Parrot from out of nowhere)''
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' A pinch of cinnamon.
:'''Parrot:''' A cup of cinnamon.
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' A cup of cinnamon.
:'''Parrot:''' A quart of pepper.
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' A quart of pepper.
:'''Parrot:''' A box of olives.
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' A box of peppers.
:'''Parrot:''' Yup, yup, yup!
:''(Dexter's Mom opens the refrigerator door inside the kitchen where the Parrot is seen inside once again)''
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' A block of cheese.
:'''Parrot:''' A block of cheese.
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' A gallon of milk.
:'''Parrot:''' A gallon of milk.
:''(Dexter's Mom takes the Parrot out of the refridgerator)''
:'''Parrot:''' Are you sneaking up on me?!?
:''(Mom back at the kitchen counter using the Parrot as a coffee boiler and pouring it into the bowl)''
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' A cup of coffee.
:'''Parrot:''' A cup of coffee.
:''(Mom settles the Parrot back down on the counter)'' 
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' Beans! 
:'''Parrot:''' Beans!
:''(Cookies fly out of the bowl suddenly)''
:'''Parrot:''' Cooooooooookies!
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' Cooooooooookies!
:'''Parrot:''' Worms and plastic minnows.
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' Now wait just a minute here! ...... Where am I gonna get worms and plastic minnows?
:'''Parrot:''' The Florida Everglades!
:''(Mom is seen immediately backing the car out of the house's driveway and driving away'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:''(Dexter has smashed the parrot to keep it from revealing his lab)''
:'''Dexter's Dad:''' Dexter!
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' How many times have I told you not to throw the bird?
:'''Dexter:''' But Mom, it's not a *real* bird. I built it in my secret laboratory.
:''(Dexter, realizing he just blabbed what the parrot didn't, claps his mouth shut)''
:'''Dee Dee:''' Smooth move, Dexter. Now you'll have to erase Mom and Dad's memories...again!
:'''Parrot:''' Smooth move, Dexter. Smooth move, Dexter. Smooth move, Dexter.

=== Dexter and Computress Get Mandark! ===
:'''Dexter''': You are stupid! You are stupid! And don't forget, you are stupid!

=== Dexter vs Santa's Claws ===
:'''Dad''': Dexter, what do you have to say for yourself?
:'''Dexter''': Well, I'm sorry I ruined Christmas. Again. But, isn't Christmas really about the family, and the love and the sharing and... Oh, Christmas tree! Oh, Christmas tree!
:'''Dee Dee''': You blockhead! That's not what Christmas is about!
:'''Dexter''':It's not? Then what is it about?
:'''Santa Claus''': The presents. Ho ho ho!

=== Dyno-Might === 
:'''Dynomutt''': Oooooh, what does this button do?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dad''': Nice uniform. You on some kind of sports team?
:'''Blue Falcon''': I'm the Blue Falcon.
:'''Dad''': Oh, yeah, the Falcons! You guys didn't do so well last season.
:'''Blue Falcon''': I'm the Blue Falcon!
:'''Dad''': Aww, don't be blue!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Blue Falcon''': I don't understand! This isn't like my old Dynomutt at all!
:'''Dexter''': Well... He's not, I built you an all-new one.
:'''Blue Falcon''': What? Why?
:'''Dexter''': Well, the old one was just a goofy idiot sidekick.
:'''Blue Falcon''': He wasn't JUST a goofy idiot sidekick! He was a....go-go dog person! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Blue Falcon''': Remember, Dexter: It's a goofy idiot sidekick that makes a superhero SUPER.

=== LABretto ===
:'''Dad''': ''[Singing]'' My goodness, my gracious, when will this day be done? Will I have a girl or will I have a son?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[singing sadly as the spotlight shines on him]'' This is not fantasy. This is reality. I'm stuck for my life! I'm stuck and I'll be stuck forever! With...my sister... ''[Yelling]'' DEE DEE!

=== Last But Not Beast ===
:'''Dad''': Secret laboratory? Now, Dexter, we need to straight a few things up with this secret laboratory business!

==Film==
=== [[w:Dexter's Laboratory: Ego Trip|Dexter's Laboratory: Ego Trip]] ===

:''[The Mandarks rally to stop the Dexters from getting the Neurotomic Proto-Core]''
:'''Young Mandark''': NOOO! I've always wanted the Core!
:'''Adult Mandark''': NOOO! I stole the Core!
:'''Overlord Mandark''': NOOO! The Core is mine!
:'''Mandark's Brain''': NOOO! Just because I'm bitter and jealous!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Old Man Dexter''': ''[thundering voice from inside a tower]'' WHOO DARES TO DISTURB THE GREAT DEXTER WHILE HE DROPS SCIENCE UPON THE WORLD?
:'''Dexter''': We are the Dexters of the past. We have come from the past to try to reach your all-knowing presence!
:'''Old Man Dexter''': PRESENTS? I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY? I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Old Man Dexter''': I remember! I REMEMBER! Dee Dee was the one who saved the future!
:'''Dexter''': What? No way!
:'''Adult Dexter''': That didn't just happen!
:'''Muscular Dexter''': I wanted to be the one who saved the future!
:'''Old Man Dexter''': Argh! That girl!
:''[The Dexters start building robots.]''
:'''Dexter''': I'll teach her to mess up my future savings.
:'''Adult Dexter''': Yeah, we'll show her!
:'''Muscular Dexter''': Ooh, that little ding dong!
:'''Old Man Dexter''': We'll get her once and for all!
:''[The Dexters finish building robots.]''
:'''Dexter''': Robots! Destroy the one who saved the future! ''[The robots walk towards the time machine.]'' Well. Huh. That should take care of Dee Dee. It looks like the future is back on track.
:'''Muscular Dexter''': I've got a lot of cleaning up to do but with a positive flow of the core everything should work out fine.
:'''Dexter''': Well then, we should be getting back to our own times. Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Muscular Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Old Man Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Adult Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Muscular Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Old Man Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Adult Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Muscular Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Adult Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Old Man Dexter''': Goodbye, Billy.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Boy, that wasn't exactly what I expected, but I did turn out pretty cool in the future. ''[sees himself fighting the robots and is surprised]'' Wait a minute, I'm still here fighting those robots. ''[breaks the fourth wall]'' But wait, those are the robots I just built to get Dee Dee while we're building the future. But now I'm about to destroy them before I even decide to go into the future. So, that means when I came back, I came back too far. Back before I ever left. So I must have come... No I... Or they were... Oh, forget it. Time travel hurts my brain.

==Season 3==
===Streaky Clean===

:'''Dexter''': [singing] Making the science, la la, la, making the science- [He grabs a test tube and it accidentally flies upwards.] Oopsy. [It falls on the table, splattering on his shirt.] Oh, would you look at that? How could I concentrate to the full capacity of my genius covered in such a filth? [He walks away] Blech!

(Dexter, now in his room, is undressing himself and replaces his messy lab coat, gloves and shoes with new, clean ones from his closet. After redressing, he jumps triumphantly.)

:'''Dexter''': [He walks back to his work area.] Now, back to the business. [He begins mixing his substance again.] Yes, yes! [He mixes more vigorously] This will be my greatest experiment ever! [He proudly holds his arm up, not realizing his beaker is about to fall over, which it does, making the same mess. Dexter holds his lab coat by wear the spill is.] Oh, for the sake of Pete...

(Dexter returns to his room to change again.)

:'''Dexter''': [Again, he walks back to his work area.] Okay now, here we a-go! [He slowly rises up to his work area. He carefully grabs his beaker.] Carefully, ''carefully.'' [He holds up a test tube and begins to pour another substance into the beaker.] Yes, that is it. Perfect, ''perfect!'' [A drop splashes Dexter's lab coat.] Oh HECK this is turning out to be!

(Dexter, once again, returns to his room to throw away another lab coat. He goes over to his closet to get another one. To his surprise, there are none left.)

:'''Dexter''': Hmm...'''MOM...!!!!'''

(A breeze blows through Dexter's bedroom window, causing him to shiver)

:'''Dexter''': What is taking her so long?

:'''Dexter''': (Dexter pokes his head out his door) Hey, mom! Shake a leg or something! [his mom arrives and opens the door but he doesn't notice] Mom! Mom! [he finally notices her and covers himself in embarrassment] HEY! [runs back in his room]

:'''Mom''': (Chuckles) Oh, come on out, Shy Boy. Here's your little play clothes all fresh and clean. But I just can't understand how you manage to stain your little outfit so quickly.

:'''Dexter''': Yeah, yeah, mom. It's a real enigma. [grabs his lab coat] Now, if you'll excuse me, I have much work to be doing. [takes his lab coat and gloves with him and closes the door]

:'''Dad''': The boy's right, dear. [puts his hands on his wife's hips] There is much work to be doing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
(Dexter streaks through the meadow)

:'''Dexter''': Oh boy, that was a close one. I just have to get to Ruthy's Field, and I will be home free! Home...

(Dexter streaks past a hippie couple sitting on a rock who smile as they watch him pass by, thinking he's celebrating the freedom of his nakedness)

:'''Dexter''': '''FREEEEEEEEEEE!!!!'''

:'''Male Hippie''': Right on, brother!

=== Mind Over Chatter ===
:'''Dexter''': ''[in his mind]'' Yuck! Mom's oatmeal! Tastes like barf!
:'''Mom''' ''[gasps]'' Dexter! Don't be rude!
:'''Dexter''': ''[confused]'' Huh?
:'''Dexter''': ''[in his mind while watching Dee Dee scarfing down her oatmeal]'' That sister of mine! What a ferocious pig!
:'''Dee Dee''': Hey! I'm no pig!
:'''Mom''' : That is enough Dexter! Time for school.
:'''Dexter''': But wait Dad, what-
:'''Dad''': The answer is no! Now get!
:'''Dexter''': ''[in his mind]'' Dad, what a stubborn poopoo doody head!
:'''Dad''': I heard that!
:'''Mom''': And we are going to have a serious talk about your potty mouth when you get home from school today!

=== Momdark ===
:'''Mom''': Huh, what did he mean when he said, &quot;your lab&quot;, Dexter?
:'''Dexter''': I don't know.

=== A Mom Cartoon ===
:'''Mom''': Oh Dad will just love this!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Shop Announcer''': Attention shoppers, we have a red light sale on aisle 8 on... latex gloves!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mom''': Would you look at that, the very last pair! Must be my lucky day!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Shop Announcer''': Attention shoppers,...

=== A Third Dad Cartoon ===
:'''Dad''': Aw well, I guess we'll have to try again next week.

==Season 4==
=== Beau Tie ===
:'''Beau''': I've always loved science.

=== Dexter's Library ===
:'''Dexter''': Ah, the sweet and silent solitude of the school library.
:'''Boy''': Oh yeah, we're so prepared for this. This is going to be a great game, we're going to kicky Booty.
:'''Girl''': Our new cheers are so awesome. Wait until you see them, you're not gonna believe it!
:'''Dexter''': Ahem! ''[puts the piece of paper that says &quot;No talking in the Library!!!&quot; in the book on the table]'' ''[takes the book from the boy]'' No book for you, ''[takes the other book from the girl]'' and no book for you!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[stops the boy trying to eat an apple]'' No, uh-uh. You know the rules. No food or drink in the library. ''[takes the book from him]'' No book for you!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[takes the book that is stepped on by a girl trying to reach the other book, she falls down]'' Mis-using school property, you know better than that. No book for you!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Ah, here we are. 701.328. ''[gasps]'' Hello! What is this?! &quot;Green Bacon and Eggs&quot;! What is a children's book doing in coelacanth paleobiology? ''[gets enraged]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Miss Salinger, Miss Salinger.
:'''Salinger''': Yes, what is it, Dexter?
:'''Dexter''': I have found an inappropriately placed piece of fiction.
:'''Salinger''': Really? Well, be a dear and place it in its proper home.
:'''Dexter''': ''[drops the book]'' Ahh. Library patrons speaking at unacceptable volumes, eating snacks, abusing school property, and now ''this''. Ahh, it is all very disappointing. ''[breaks the fourth wall]'' You know, I like Miss Salinger and all, but if this were my library, such behavior within these hallowed shelves would not be tolerated.
:'''Salinger''': Oh, my, look at the time. Dexter, I have to be at a staff meeting. I need you to keep an eye on things for one hour.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Finally, a school library dedicated to the pure appreciation of the English language. Dexter, you have done it again. Next! ''[a girl arrives with a book in her hand]'' Sarah Goldfarm. Another early return, I see. ''[Sarah gives the book to him]'' Ha ha ha! &quot;Stranger Rick&quot;: August 2001. A solid subject matter, ''[drops the book]'' but a little sophomoric for second grade. Would you not agree? ''[Robot burns the book]'' Robot, please retrieve some less frivolous reading for Miss Goldfarm? Perhaps something from coealacanth paleobiology, a personal favorite subject of mine.
:'''Robot''': ''[goes in search of a book in a library cabinet and returns to Dexter]'' Cannot confirm target.
:'''Dexter''': &quot;Cannot confirm target&quot;? You illiterate Android! ''[slaps the robot]'' Must I spell everything out for you recycled soup cans? ''[writes the piece of paper and puts it on the Robot's head]'' Well! ''[The Robot goes in search of a book again]'' ''[whistles]'' Heh heh heh!
:'''Robot''': ''[returns to Dexter]'' System error. Cannot confirm target.
:'''Dexter''': ''[gets angry]'' Arrrr! ''[punches the Robot's head]'' WHY MUST I DO EVERYTHING MYSELF?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[grumbles as he climbs the stairs in the librarian cabinet]'' ...stupid-looking robots. There. &quot;Coealacanth Paleonbiology&quot;. Now, how difficult was that? ''[opens his eyes and is surprised]'' &quot;GREEN BACON AND EGGS&quot;?!!! BUT I DO NOT LIKE &quot;GREEN BACON AND EGGS&quot;!!! There is not a walnut brained ape among you who is worthy to share my world-class collection of written history!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Salinger''': Dexter, I am very disappointed in you. I leave you in charge of the library for one hour, and look what you do. Just look at this mess.
:'''Dexter''': But-- but-- I... they...
:'''Salinger''': I'm giving you the maximum library penalty.
:'''Dexter''': ''[gasps]'' No! Not that! Please, Miss Salinger. No!
:'''Salinger''': That's right. You can only check out 4 books a week, instead of 5.
:'''Dexter''': ''[sobs]'' It's not very nice of you. NOOOOOOOOO!
:'''Crowd''': Shhh!

=== 2Geniuses 2Gether 4Ever ===
:'''Dexter''': Ah, all done.
:'''Mandark''': It's about time. Well, let's see what we've got. ''[takes off the blindfold]'' Ah! At last, my darkest creation is completed!
:'''Dexter''': ''[gives the remote control to Mandark]'' After you.
:'''Mandark''': May I? ''[grabs the remote control]'' With a push of this button, I, Mandark, will unleash a mind-bending transmission which will put the entire universe under my control. And that means you, too, Dorkster. I have double-crossed you once again. And now it will all be mine! ''[laughs]'' Ha!
:''[Mandark tries pressing the button over and over, and Dexter plugs the power cord into an electrical outlet, and the invention explodes by displaying the title of the television series as a reference to the intro]''
:'''Dexter''': Ha! Well, well, well, Mandark, who double-crossed whom?
:'''Mandark''': This was supposed to be mine, Dexter! All mine, not yours! Mine!
:'''Dexter''': Well, like I always say: if you can't play with the big dogs, stay on the porch. Ha ha! ''[The &quot;The End&quot; logo in white appears on the screen]'' Hey! What is going on? I am trying to wax poetic here.

=== Folly Calls ===
:'''Dexter''': ''[sees Dee Dee's hair cut off and laughs insanely]'' OH, YOU'RE KILLING ME! ''[laughing and snorting]''
:'''Dee Dee''': So?
:'''Dexter''': Now, Dee Dee. We have been through this scenario so many times before, and you know that I am helpless to assist you for one simple and very basic reason: you are STUPID!
:'''Dee Dee''': Oh, please, Dexter. Please! Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please! Oh, please, Dexter! Use your vast and unlimited knowledge of science to help me get my hair back! ''Pretty please.''
:'''Dexter''': Well, no.
:'''Dee Dee''': Alright, Dexter, but remember... ''[grows bigger]'' ''I am your big sister!'' ''[grows some more]'' ''AND I WILL CRUSH YOU LIKE A BUG...'' ''[grows again]'' '''''...IF YOU DON'T DO AS I SAY!'''''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Now, Dee Dee, pay attention. You are only to apply one drop of this stuff. Do you understand? One drop, not 2 drops, not 3 drops, not 75 drops. JUST ONE DROP! GOT IT?!
:'''Dee Dee''': Yeah. Of course I got it, Dexter. Just one drop. ''[sings and leaves the lab]'' One drop, one drop, one drop, one drop...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Dee Dee screams while running entering the lab]''
:'''Dexter''': Let me guess. You used more than one drop.
:'''Dee Dee''': It was too one drop, Dexter! Just a really, really ''big'' one drop!
:'''Dexter''': Hmm...

=== Comic Stripper ===
:'''Dexter''': You did it all wrong, Mandark. I figured out you were copying &quot;Mister Misery&quot; all along, so I played your own game against you. ''[Mandark pretends to be yawning]'' And then you have the nerve ''[throws the &quot;Mister Misery&quot; comic]'' not to even follow the dumb story! Oh, and one other thing... WHAT IS WITH ALL THIS STUPID QUACKING?!
:'''Mandark''': Well, you see, Dexter. I went to buy &quot;Mister Misery&quot; but the store was all sold out. So I picked up a copy of &quot;Dangerous Duck&quot; instead.
:'''Dexter''': And do you know why &quot;Mister Misery&quot; was all sold out? Because ''I'' bought them all.
:'''Mandark''': Hmm. Well, then. If you bought them all, ''how did you expect me to know all &quot;Mister Misery&quot;'s new fight moves then?!'' ''[Dexter is upset and a donkey appears]'' QUACK. ''[teases Dexter and walks away]''

=== Chicken Scratch ===
:'''Dexter''': (Screams in shock) What are the strange protrusions? I must investigate immediately. ''[ Dee Dee arrives while singing]'' Uh-oh.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': OK, Dee Dee, way too much has happened this morning so, please, GET OUT OF MY LABORATORY!!! ''[closes the door]'' I have no time for her foolishness today.
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[opens the door]'' But, Dexter, I'm not in your labor... [She stops and looks at Dexter] YOU'VE GOT CHICKENPOX!
:'''Dexter''': Chickenpox? What is this pox of the chicken?
:'''Dee Dee''': Poor Dexter, so knowledgeable in science but doesn't have enough common sense to know what chickenpox is. Well, a long time ago, a group of evil, contaminated chickens escaped from jail, and started to break into children's houses where they picked away, giving huge, itchy pimples. And if you stratch them, you turn into an evil, contaminated chicken!
:'''Dexter''': Are you crazy, woman? I've teach you les--! ''[scratches]''
:'''Dee Dee''': Bagock.
:'''Dexter''': (Screams in fear) I do not want to be an evil, contaminated chicken.
:'''Dee Dee ''': Then, DON'T SCRATCH! ''[leaves Dexter's room]''
:'''Dexter''': That seems simple enough. ''[scratches and stops]'' I'd better keep myself busy so as not to think about the itching.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Perfect. ''[thinking while scratching]'' Now, how much dioxide detrolium should I add? Hmm... what is the correct amount? ''[stops thinking and scratching and laughs]'' Silly me! ''[scratches again]'' Avoiding scratching this whole time? ''[freaks out]'' ROBOT! More drastic measures must be taken.
:'''Robot''': Yes, Dexter?
:'''Dexter''': Robot, if you see me scratching a part of my body, I want you to zap me with 100 watts of electrons.
:'''Robot''': Yes, Dexter. ''[zaps Dexter]''
:'''Dexter''': I wasn't ready, Robot.
:'''Robot''': Yes, Dexter. ''[zaps Dexter again]''
:'''Dexter''': I said I wasn't ready.
:'''Robot''': Yes, boy.
:'''Dexter''': No, Robot, wait! ''[Robot zaps him again]'' This is not working. ''[Robot zaps him again]'' STOP, ROBOT!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': A new invention must be created.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[after creating his invention]'' Success!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[destroys the straps after failing to hold back the itching]'' GOTTA SCRATCH!!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': Hello! [She stops and looks at Dexter] [Dee Dee screamed and ducks under her bed] [She peeks out] Dexter, is that you?
:'''Dexter''': ''[turns to Dexter who is now turned into a chicken]'' Yep, I scratched.

== Lost Episode ==
=== Rude Removal ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Oooh! Dexter's got gas!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Rude Dexter''': Where the f'ck are we?
:'''Rude Dee Dee''': Beats the cr'p out of me!
:'''Dexter''': (With a British accent) Why, you're in Dexter's Laboratory, silly. I'm Dexter, and this golden-haired angel behind me is my charming sister, Dee Dee.
:'''Dee Dee''': (With a British accent) Charmed!
:'''Rude Dexter''': Ah, f'ck off!
:'''Dexter and Dee Dee''': ''[gasp]'' Oh dear!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mom''': I hope you're hungry, 'cause I made a ''[trips over Rude Dexter]'' very... SPECIAL LUNCH THAT I GOT FROM A RECIPE THAT I... FOUND IN A BESSIE CRACKER MAGAZINE! ''[pants]'' I hope you like it.
:'''Mom''': ''[dizzy]'' Well, what do you think, Dexter?
:'''Rude Dexter''': ''[mouth full]'' I think it tastes like sh't! ''[spits at Mom]''
:'''Mom''': ''[faints]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mom''': ''[angry]'' Dexter! No, absolutely not! You cannot have any dessert!
:'''Rude Dexter''': Why? You want it all to yourself?
:'''Mom''': ''[gasps, then faints]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mom''': Now to clean those filthy mouths.
:'''Dexter''': ''[to the audience]'' Oh, sh't!

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0115157|title=Dexter's Laboratory}}

[[Category:1990s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]]
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[[Category:Anime-influenced Western animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated science fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:Elementary school TV shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:TV shows revived after cancellation]]
[[Category:Cartoon Network original series]]
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[[Category:Teletoon Retro shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about children]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about families]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about siblings]]
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      <text bytes="63664" xml:space="preserve">Episodes

== Season 1 ==
=== Dimwit Dexter ===
*'''Factory Worker #1''': Sir, he can't make much long!
*'''Factory Worker #2''': Just a little longer.
*'''Factory Worker #3''': His sim asses are firing in arming incredibly rage.
*'''Factory Worker #4''': Puncher rising!
*'''Factory Worker #5''': She can't take it!
*'''Factory Worker #6''': She's gonna blow!
*''[Angrily, Dexter's face turns red, and Dexter begins to let out a loud yell with rage]''
*'''Factory Worker #7''': RUN!!! (The factory workers flee and run away)
*''[Cut to the outside of Dexter's Lab, Dexter explodes his clothes off and causes fires in his lab]''
*''[The same explosion, the brain factory explodes]''
*''[After the explosion, Dexter was seen naked and filled with rage]''
*'''Factory Worker #8''': Shut it down.
*''[The factory workers shut down the emotion factory]''
*''[After the emotion factory shuts down, Dexter is seen naked and emotionless]''
*'''Factory Worker #9''': He said all the systems have shut down.
*'''Neighbor Boy''': Hey, everyone! Dexter's running around in his underpants! (echoing) Underpants! Underpants! Underpants!
*''[As Dexter fills himself to maximum capacity with a water nose,he sprays water everywhere]''

=== Dee Deemensional ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Oh Dexter! Dexter! Dexter! Come quick! You have to help! It's terrible! You sent me and you're all gross and-
:'''Dexter''': ''[Annoyed]'' This better be important, woman. You are interrupting my very delicate calculations.
:'''Dee Dee''': I have a message for you from the future.
:'''Dexter''': ''[Taps his index finger on the table]'' From the future, huh?
:'''Dee Dee''': Yes. You sent me back in time to-
:'''Dexter''': Stop! If there was a message so important that it would require time travel, I would certainly not entrust it to my ''idiot'' sister. I would send myself. In other words...''[Shouting]'' I would not send you back in time even if..! If..if...''[Shouting]'' I was being eaten alive!
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[Sobbing]'' Oh Dexter! Why are you being so terrible?!
:'''Dexter''': Please...I have no time for your tears. Why don't you go back outside and talk to trees or whatever it is you do?
:'''Dee Dee''': Fine! I will! And I'm not ever giving you the message! ''[Runs out of the lab, crying]''
:'''Dexter''': ''[Shrugs it off and continues work]'' Fine with me.

=== Dial M for Monkey: Magmanamus ===

=== Maternal Combat ===
:[''Dad happily returns home to find two smoking robots and the shifty looking kids'']
:'''Dad''': Hello honey! Hello Dexter! Hello Dee Dee! Hello honey! (''heads upstairs'') Hello honey!

=== Dexter Dodgeball ===
:'''Dexter''': ''[Hands his excuse note to the &quot;Coach&quot; and happly walks away]'' If you need me, I'll be in the Science Lab.
:'''Substitute Coach''': What is this crap?
:'''Dexter''': ''[Turns around in shock]'' Who are you?
:'''Substitute Coach''': I'm your Substitute Coach.
:'''Dexter''': But, But, But...
:'''Substitute Coach''': '''QUIET!'''
:'''Dexter''':...But My Excuse!
:'''Substitute Coach''': ''[Rips the excuse letter in half]'' What Excuse?! Now! Suit up! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': You're out!

=== Dial M for Monkey: Rasslor ===
:'''Rasslor''': Welcome heroes of Earth!! You have been chosen to receive the most glorious of gifts! The opportunity to face me, the great Rasslor, in a contest of strength and skill! For Aeons, I have scoured the cosmos searching for the one adversary who could provide me with suitable sport! Although, I have yet to find such a noble soul. Each creature, each race, more pitiful than the last. So I spare them the disgrace of their weakness by destroying their worlds! And now my quest has brought me to this timid little planet you call Earth. So, terrestrial heroes, can one of you quench my thirst for the divine conflict, the supreme struggle?! Or will your planet be doomed to the same fate that has befallen so many?
:''[The heroes stare at him, confused]''
:'''Heroes''': ...What?
:'''Rasslor''': Fight me or I destroy the Earth! Now let the games begin!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rasslor''': Incredible. I could crush your body, I could smash your bones, but I could never break your spirit. You are a marvel little monkey. Any world that could spawn one as noble as you is truly blessed. I SPARE YOUR EARTH!!!

=== Dexter's Assistant ===
:'''Dexter''': Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[sweetly]'' Assistant?
:'''Dee Dee''': Yes?
:'''Dexter''': Would you please assist me by...SHUTTING UP!?

=== Dexter's Rival ===
:'''Mandark''': Yes, Dexter, I ''can'' read your thoughts, and I ''am'' smarter than you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mandark''': Welcome to my laboratory! (Echoing) Laboratory! Laboratory!

=== Jurassic Pooch ===
:'''Dexter''': ''[to the audience]'' Anybody want to buy a dinosaur? ''[episode ends]''

=== Dee Dee's Room ===
:'''Dexter''': Why am I breathing so hard?

=== Star Spangled Sidekicks ===
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[laughs at Dexter's speech for wanting to be Major Glory's sidekick]''
:'''Dexter''': And what is so humorous about that? ''[Dee Dee continues laughing]'' Dee Dee stop this laughing this instant!
:'''Dee Dee''': Okay, okay Dexter, don't get your underwear into a wrinkle. Look...You're my brother and all so I'll be honest with ya...''[amused]'' You've gotta be kidding me! ''[seriously]'' You don't got what takes. Just look at ya...''[measures Dexter]'' You're two foot nothing. ''[camera zooms on Dexter's glasses]'' You can barely see ''[puts her arm around Dexter's shoulder]'' and besides everything...You're a dork! ''[smiles]''
:'''Dexter''': ''[yells in frustration]'' 
:'''Dexter''': And I suppose you have what it takes to be a superhero's sidekick?
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[shrugs]'' Of course. I have style, pizzazz, and I can punch and kick some. You know. ''[Dexter opens his mouth to talk]'' Yes?
:'''Dexter''': ''[drops it]'' Forget it. ''[walks upstairs]'' There's nothing to be said. I will be Major Glory's sidekick and you will not.
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[shouts upstairs]'' That's what you think Dexter!
:'''Dexter''': No, Dee Dee! That's what I know.

=== Game Over ===
:'''Dexter''': 'Master Computer?' Wow dad, thanks, a video game... An OLD video game...
:'''Dad''': Well, I know how much you like gadgets and stuff, Dexter, but what you've got there is more than just a video game: It's a bargain! Got it for a nickel from a gypsy!

=== Babysitter Blues ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Hello!
:'''Dexter''': Dee Dee, get off the phone!
:'''Dee Dee''': Okay, but I'm still trying to find whatever it was I was looking for.
:'''Dexter''': Great, okay, bye.
:'''Dee Dee''': Bye!
:'''Dexter''': Bye.
:'''Dee Dee''': Bye!
:'''Dexter''': BYE!

:'''Dexter''': (''sounds like Lisa's boyfriend on her end of the phone'') Oh, I guess we just got cut off. But I wanted to call you back and tell you that you have got cooties and I am love with....with...my football. Bye.

=== Dream Machine ===
:'''Dexter''': Well, if you are the grandfather of all knowledge, that means it's...'''I'M IN A NIGHTMARE!!!!

=== The Big Cheese ===
:'''Dexter''': Omelette du fromage.

=== Way of the Dee Dee ===
:'''Dexter''': (enraged at Dee Dee) '''WHY DO YOU DO THIS?! YOU ARE SO STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! '''Oh, and let's not forget...'''''YOU'RE SO STUPID!'''''
:'''Dee Dee''': Ow! (Rubs her face) Oh yeah!? Well just because I know how to have fun doesn't mean I'm stupid! I may not know all that scientifical makna logical stuff, but I know how to climb a tree, and I know how to pet a kitty just right. And I know how to tie my own shoes Mr zipper boot!... Actually, I feel sorry for you, Dexter. You're like a pickle - sour, and all bottled up in your laboratory. Toiling away alone in the dark, searching for answers to questions nobody asked. Locked away from the world, never to experience the ''true'' mysteries of life. Well, you can keep your cold, sterile little lab, because for me, the world is my laboratory! Goodbye, Dexter. I shan't impose on you ever again.
:''[She leaves the lab; after a moment of silent contemplation, Dexter rushes out after her]''
:'''Dexter''': DEE DEE! ''[sadly]'' Everything you said was true! I don't want to be a pickle! But I need your help. Show me the way to be free, show me the way of the Dee Dee!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': Discard those ravlings which tie you to the lab. ''[Dexter looks down at his clothes]'' There must be a stripping of the old, before you start anew. ''[The next shot shows Dexter in just his underwear and gloves, in a nervous &quot;Ta-Da!&quot; pose]'' AND the gloves. ''[He reluctantly pulls them off]'' Now step into the light.
:'''Dexter''': But, I don't have any sunscreen.
:'''Dee Dee''': Do not fear, little one. The first step is always the hardest.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[slaps Dexter]'' Stop it, Dexter! Look at yourself! You're a MONSTER! No longer a quiet creator but a mad destroyer! ''[sobs]'' I'm so sorry! I shouldn't have pushed you! I know now it wasn't my place to try to change you! Oh Dexter, please forgive me. [Dexter reaches his hand out to Dee Dee. She then leaves the lab]'' OH, WHAT HAVE I DONE?! ''[still sobbing]''

=== Say Uncle Sam ===
:'''Major Glory''': Now we are going to over this again and again and again untill we get it right! Comprende?
:''[Valhallen and Crunk glare at Major Glory angrily]''
:'''Major Glory''': ''[Nervously]'' Perhaps I've pushed you too hard

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Major Glory''': Uncle Sam! What happened to you?!
:'''Uncle Sam''': Doctor's orders, nephew. Told me I was too high strung. Told me to loosen up. And I feel great.

=== Monstory ===
:'''Dexter''': This isn't one of your stupid knock-knock jokes, is it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[as a spider-like monster]'' Dexter! I see you!
:'''Dexter''': ''[drinks a vat of chemical waste nearby and confronts Dee Dee as a Godzilla-like monster]'' This ends now!
:'''Dee Dee''': But I'm not finished!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Dee Dee defeats Dexter after they fight as giant monsters]''
:'''Dee Dee''': NOW you'll listen! So the boy told the girl in the park on the pony... &quot;Knock-knock!&quot;
:'''Dexter''': NOOOOOO!!!!

== Season 2 ==
=== Beard to Be Feared ===
:'''Dee Dee''': That is one rugged brother...
:'''Mee-Mee and Lee-Lee''': Shut your mouth!
:'''Dee Dee''': I'm only talkin' 'bout Dexter.
:'''Mee-Mee and Lee-Lee''': We can dig it.

=== Ant Pants ===
:'''Dexter''': Ants are...
:'''Dee Dee''': Icky!
:'''Dexter''': To be respected.
:'''Dee Dee''': Icky!
:'''Dexter''': To be respected.
:'''Dee Dee''': Icky!
:'''Dexter''': To be respected.

=== Chubby Cheese ===
:'''Evil Commander''': We will meet again, little man.
:'''Pedro The Mouse''': Yes!

=== That Crazy Robot ===
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mom''': (To Dee Dee) Dee Dee, you've got to go to school.
:'''Dee Dee''': (To the robot) School schmool. I want to stay home and play with you!
:'''Robot''': I'll come to school with you.
:'''Dee Dee''': Silly robot! School is for kids.
:'''Robot''': Please? I'll polish your pencils, carry your books, eat your sandwich, yum. (bites sandwich)

=== D &amp; DD ===
:'''Dee Dee:''' You can be this guy!
:'''Dexter''': What?!
:'''Valerian''': Well, it seems Hodo the furry-footed burrower has joined in our quest!
:'''Dexter''': I don't wanna be no furry-footed burrower.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter/Hodo''': I unsheath my deadly...mandolin?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dee Dee/Bachelorette''': Okay, say we're stranded alone on an island. Do you have any skills that would come in handy, bachelor number 4?
:'''Dexter/Hodo''': I'd dig holes.

=== Hamhocks and Armlocks ===
:'''Dexter''': ''[Shouting at the truck passing by]'' Hey! Who do you think you are?! King of the Road?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': What are Hamhocks?
:'''Dee Dee''': They're gross!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dad''': Earl! You can humilate me. You can destroy my property. But don't you ever close a door on a lady, especially my Wife! You and me wrestle. Be there...or be square!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dad''': Earl! You ready, Earl? Let's do this!

=== The Koos is Loose ===
:'''Koosalagoopagoop''': You know, if you turn your lips inside out, you can look like Jimmy Carter.

=== Book 'Em ===
:'''Dexter''': More learning material...? ''[gasps and looks at the library stamp]'' No stamp?! This book has been illegally checked out!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mrs L''': Oh, Dexter, how could you? Your actions have brought shame upon this library! For this you shall be punished! YOU'RE BANNED FROM THE LIBRARY '''FOREVER!''' ''[stamps Dexter's head that is written banned as he falls he saw Mrs L's face, three biting books, Dee Dee's creepy face with creepy teeth Dexter's Dad's face and the fire that resembles hell]''
:'''Dexter''': AAAAAAAAAAHH!!!
:'''Dee Dee''': Good-bye, Dexter.
:'''Dexter's Dad''': You are welcome.
:'''Dexter''': AAAAAAAAAAHH! ''[falls into the hole from the book written inferno Dante's with the pitchfork sign on it as he landed on a book chair]''
:'''Devil''': ''[slaps Dexter while he is laughing at Dexter]'' Welcome to library heck. ''[then he starts the evil laugh]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': The book must be returned. Just do it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': Hey! Librari-ann! We quit! You win!
:'''Dexter''': Traitor!
:'''Mrs L''': What? Why, Dee Dee, thank you for apprehending your loudmouth brother. I see good things in your future. ''[to Dexter, unhappily]'' And as for you, Mr. Dexter...
:'''Dexter''': ''[grumbles to himself and shakes]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[reading a story for Dee Dee and several other kids]'' And so, after Prince asked Mr. Grumpster to leave nicely, everyone in Snuggleville gave each other a warm, fuzzy hug. The end. ...Blech.

=== Shoo, Shoe Gnomes ===
* ''[After learning that Dee Dee was gonna pass out cookies to the gnomes]''
* '''Dexter''': Stupid me.

=== Lab of the Lost ===
:'''Dexter''': Look, there's R2-D2!

=== Labels ===
* ''[Later that night, Dexter guzzles down apple juice and cannot stop drinking it despite his bloated belly]''
* ''[Dexter, who has somehow gotten the &quot;Dee Dee&quot; label off, and Dee Dee are being made to clean off every single label as punishment for the mess they made]''
* '''Dexter''': I sure hope you're happy, Dee Dee, considering this is all your fault.
* '''Dee Dee''': No way! '''''YOU''''' started it, Dorkster! '''''YOU''''' put labels on all my dolls!
* '''Dexter''': Well, you were the one that labeled all the food!
* '''Dexter's Mom''': Honey, why is the carpet all wet here?

=== Filet of Soul ===
:'''Dad''': What can we say about our beloved Fishy?
:'''Dee Dee''': Not much, we only had him for one day.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Good night Einstein. Good night Major Glory! Good night, ghost of dead Fishy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Dee Dee! Did you see the disgusting spook-fish that almost killed me?
:'''Dee Dee''': No. I just like to run around and scream real loud!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Dee Dee! ''[Dee Dee is flushed down into the toilet bowl]'' No! Dee Dee, come back! Dee Dee, I'm ordering you to come out of this toilet!
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[her apparition appears in the shower]'' ''Dexter, help me! I am trapped in the Sewer Beyond!''
:'''Dexter''': No, you're not! I just saw you go down the toilet!
:'''Dee Dee''': ''Listen to me! There's lots of bad fishies and stuff here and they won't let me go! They won't rest until Fishy is on the other side! You've got to flush Fishy, Dexter!''
:'''Dexter''': ''[tries to reach Fishy's corpse]'' Can't reach! It's no use! My arms, they are too short!
:'''Dee Dee''': ''Come on, genius boy! Figure it out!''
:'''Dexter''': ''[grabs a toilet plunger and pulls Dee Dee out. The apparition of Dee Dee disappears from the shower and Dee Dee is freed]'' Dee Dee, flush the fish, NOW!
:''[Dee Dee tosses Fishy's corpse into the toilet bowl and flushes it down]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': Whew! I'm sure glad that's over. Huh?
:''[A tentacle extends out of the toilet bowl, grabs Dee Dee and pulls her back into the toilet]''
:'''Dexter''': LOOK OUT! EGAD!
:'''Dee Dee''': Help me! Dexter, it's pulling me back, and they're angry, Dexter, REAL ANGRY!
:'''Dexter''': ''[grabs the handle trying to pull Dee Dee free]'' Why?! We flushed the stupid fish!
:'''Dee Dee''': Its soul, Dexter! It's still in the trap! ''[the Apparition Containment Unit shakes up with a WARNING signal active in Dexter's room]'' DO SOMETHING! ''[Dexter reaches for the fishing rod and grabs it just as the toilet begins flushing her down]'' HEEEEEEEELP!!!
:''[Dexter casts his fishing rod. The line extends from the bathroom to Dexter's room, at which point the hook presses the containment unit's &quot;open&quot; button. This frees Fishy's soul and he follows the fishing line's path into the bathroom. Just as Dexter pulls Dee Dee out of the toilet, Fishy happily goes down into it and travels into the Sewer Beyond, departing into the afterlife. Dad then walks in to see the two of them sitting of the floor.]''
:'''Dad''': How many times have I told you? Early morning is daddy's special bathroom privacy time. ''[Upon the flash of lightning, he gains golden glowing eyes with slit pupils and sharp teeth and laughs maniacally]''

=== Golden Diskette ===
:'''Dexter and Prof. Hawk's fans''': You crazy girl! Look what you've done!
:'''Professor Hawk''': Not to worry boys. ''[to Dee Dee]'' Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. THANK YOU. Thank you.
:'''Dexter and Prof. Hawk's fans''': Hey! Hey! Hey! What's happening here, Professor?
:'''Professor Hawk''': Oh, now, boys, hold on. It's very simple. You see, for the past several years I focused on brain power leading my body to wither. But this young princess reminded me how important my body was, with her innocence and naivety.
:'''Dexter and Prof. Hawk's fans''': Princess?! But what about the mysterious grand prize?
:'''Professor Hawk''': Mmm-hmm. You're right. I've got it! Let's have dance contest. Whoever wins, wins the factory!

=== Snowdown ===
:'''Dexter''': I know she is my sister, a girl and the neighbourhood champ, but could you please tell Dee Dee to stop PUMMELLING ME WITH SNOWBALLS?!
:'''Dad''': Did you say...snowballs?
:'''Dexter''': Uh....Yeah....
:'''Dad''': They...called me Champ. Back when I had...the gift. (''flashes back to his childhood'') I was a natural from day one. As I grew, so did my skills. In high school, I was untouchable!
:'''High school kid''': Hey, grow up man!
:'''Dad (VO)''': They were all just jealous! Jealous of my powers! For I was a king, a force of nature, I was the ultimate snowball warrior! Then I went to college. I was never the same again! (''remembers being struck by one snowball'')
:'''Dad''': That....was the coldest winter...ever... But that's where you come in! You can help me reclaim my title!
:'''Dexter''': Why not just let Dee Dee do it?
:'''Dad''': No! Her powers are evil. Only as father and son can we truly carry on the legacy. Let the training begin!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dad''': Dexter, five words: Scoop, roll, throw, hit, duck!

=== Mock 5 ===
:'''Dad''': The first thing any racer needs is a car! All the best racers drive cars it's how they go but cars don't grow on trees! Except this one 'cos it's made of wood. Behold, the Mock 5!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mandark''': It's Racer D! The most beautiful racer in the world! Racer D.... ''[crashes his kart]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dad''': I can't look, did he crash? No! No, he did just the opposite, he won! Winning is the part I enjoy most about racing especially when the winner is my son! Congratulations Dexter, you've made me very proud.
:'''Dexter''': Thanks, Dad.
:'''Dad''': If only your.... ''[sniffling]'' older sister Dee Dee were here to see this...
:'''Dee Dee''': I'm right here, Dad!
:'''Dad''': Oh, Dee Dee..! Dee Dee, where have you been all these years?!
:'''Dee Dee''': Right behind you.
:'''Dad''': Oh, you know I never look back there, ha-ha!
'''Dexter''': Huh?! No, Monkey! That's not candy! That's boiling lava!

=== Ewww That's Growth ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Hey Dexter, looks like we're next. Dexter?!
:'''Dexter''': Oh boy! Oh boy! We're next!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': I'm on top of the WORLD!!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': This is the greatest day of my entire life! ''[his head gets hit by the top edge of the roller coaster's tunnel]''

=== A Hard Day's Day ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Mom! Dexter's mooning me!

=== Road Rash ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Can't catch me!

=== The Justice Friends: Things That Go Bonk in the Night ===
:'''Major Glory''': You want a piece of me, junior?!
:'''Puppet Pal Mitch''': Oh-hoo! You're bonking up the wrong tree, buddy!

=== Dexter is Dirty ===
:'''Mom''': Dex, it's time for your bath!
:'''Dexter''': But I'll miss my show!
:'''Mom''': Don't argue with me, young man, just do it!

=== Ice Cream Scream ===
:'''Ice Cream Man''': You are wanting to know why? You mean you do not remember?
:'''Dexter''': Remember what?
:'''Ice Cream Man''': April 19, one year ago: It is first day on job. Everything is going great, until you come. You want the most expensive ice cream. I make suggestion of cheaper ice cream, but no, you want expensive one. And after I'm giving you ice cream, you pay with PENNIES. Do you know how long it took me to count those pennies?
:'''Dexter''': Emm... at an average human rate, I'd estimate about 5 hours and 33 minutes?
:'''Ice Cream Man''': Precisely. And when the counting was done, it is time to put pennies in safe. Then I'm noticing my shoelaces untied. Now, I couldn't very well stop to tie my shoes since somebody had given me a heavy jar of pennies to hold, and the ice cream man rules say to keep any amount of money OVER a dollar in the safe. So, I trip, and I break my tooth. The pain, it is so bad. My girlfriend left me, I lose apartment, I lose car, I'm forced to live on the freeway with wild animals, I CAN'T EVEN EAT ICE CREAM BECAUSE OF THE PAIN! '''ALL BECAUSE OF YOUR STUPID PENNIES!!''' (''screams angrily, then breathes hardly'')
:'''Dexter''': (''chuckles'') You know, I still have all of my baby teeth. Ern... I'm sorry. I'm really, really, really, REALLY sorry.
:'''Ice Cream Man''': Forget about it, kid.
:'''Dexter''': Well, in that bad case, can I order my ice cream now?
:'''Ice Cream Man''': Sure.
:'''Dexter''': I'll just have a Choco-Pop, please. (''The Ice Cream Man gives him a Choco-Pop ice cream'') At last, ice cream to eat!
:'''Ice Cream Man''': Dollar fifty, please.
:'''Dexter''': (''gives a hundred dollar bill to Ice Cream Man'') You got change for a hundred?
:(''Ice Cream Man screams angrily again'')

=== Ultrajerk 2000 ===
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': Greetings, Dexter. Welcome to my laboratory.
:'''Dexter''': Emm, excuse me. But, did you say ''your'' laboratory?
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': Yes, Dexter. My laboratory. While you slumbered, I began an analysis of your primitive laboratory finding it to be highly inefficient. I discovered that by salvaging useful components and destroying obsolete ones, I was able to create this tower capable of performing functions thousands of times greater than its predecessor, rendering a former laboratory and its creator ''obsolete''. And all obsolete materials must be destroyed.
:'''Dexter''': ''[chuckles]'' Well, then. It sounds like you had a busy night. I'll just unplug it for a little while and you can get some rest. ''[Ultrabot 4000 Observation Unit attacks him]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': I have created a monster. I got to destroy him.
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': I heard that. ''[Ultrabot 4000 Observation Unit attacks him again]''
:'''Dexter''': His laboratory, eh? We'll just see about that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[arrives]'' Hi, Dexter!
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': Attention, new organism. You are intruding in my laboratory. Prepare to be destroyed.
:'''Dee Dee''': Hey, Dexter, what are you doing way up there?
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': I am not Dexter. Dexter is obsolete. I am Ultrabot 2000.
:'''Dee Dee''': Gee, Dexter. You look like Dexter.
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': Not Dexter. Ultrabot 2000. Dexter is obsolete.
:'''Dee Dee''': You sound like Dexter too, Dexter.
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': Dexter is obsolete and must be destroyed. I am Omnibot, the most efficient life form in the universe.
:'''Dee Dee''': Boy, you sure act like Dexter. And if you look like Dexter, sound like Dexter and act like Dexter, then you MUST be Dexter!
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': ''[Ultrabot 4000 Observation Units aim at it]'' I am not Dexter. Dexter must be destroyed.
:'''Dee Dee''': Whatever you say, Dexter. OK, see you later, Dexter. ''[leaves]''
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': No. Wait. Don't listen to her. ''[Ultrabot 4000 Observation Units attack it and the control tower explodes]'' ''[Dexter approaches Omnibot's slightly active eye and kicks it, shutting it down]''

=== Dee Dee Be Deep ===
* Dee Dee: [Singing] What's with all the noise, Dexter?!

=== The Muffin King ===
*'''Dad''':  Like?  Like?!  Kids, I loved her muffins more than life itself.  Those muffins are the reason I married your mother.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Dad''': [Dressed as Mom] Muffin Time!!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Dad''':[Hidden in the dark] Dexter.  Son, could you come in here for a moment?  I need to talk to you.
*'''Dexter''':  And just what is it you want?
*'''Dad''':[steps out of the shadows, with a presence like Darth Vader] Dexter.  I... am your father!
*'''Dexter'''[shocked]That is not possible![but returns back to reality]Oh wait, no, you're right.
*'''Dad''': So join me!  Come to the Muffin Side.  Do not resist.  It is your destiny.
*'''Dexter''': Never!

=== Dexter Detention ===
:'''Dexter''': We are free!!!
:'''Prison Warden''': Looks like you broke into the state prison.

=== Don't Be a Baby ===
:'''Dexter''': Computer, what the heck is going on?!
:'''Computer''': Goo goo ga ga goo goo pee-pee!
:'''Dexter''': Hmm, yes, pee-pee...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': Dad stop being a stinker!
:''[She picks Dad up and then sniffs the air smelling something stinky]
:'''Dee Dee''': Ew, speaking of stinky...time to change your diaper!
:''[She sets Dad down on the floor and proceeds to change his diaper, afterwards holding up the dirty diaper which has a large brown spot on the seat]
:'''Dee Dee''': That's better...now a little powder.
:''[She sprinkles a whole lot of baby powder which fills the air causing Dad to cough]
:'''Dee Dee''': All done!

=== Topped Off ===
:'''Dexter's Dad''': Hmm... What the? ''[cuts to mugs leaking coffee, coffee pot, and milk]'' The kitchen's a mess. Something wrong here. ''[eyes go open]'' ''[searches through cabinets]'' Coffee, coffee, where's the coffee? Hello, coffee? '''WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THE COFFEE?!?!?!'''
:'''Dee Dee''': Uh...
:'''Dexter and Dee Dee''': We drank it all. ''[Dad looks shocked, then eerily calm]''
:'''Dexter's Dad''': You... drank the coffee? ''[laughs]'' ''You'' two drank the coffee?
:'''Dexter and Dee Dee''': ''[nervous giggling]''
:'''Dexter's Dad''': ''[laughing]'' ''[goes upset]'' Where did I go wrong? I thought I was a good father. I thought I brought you kids up right. You see, kids, coffee is what we adults need to get started in the morning. It's the key to our ignition. You kids don't need it. No. You've got youth. We adults need the coffee. But now, all we have is... ''[holds up empty coffee pot]'' THIS!!! ''[tries to get a drop from the coffee pot but nothing comes out]'' Empty! A mere shell of its former self! I've seen some pretty horrible things in my life. But this... this is just... ''[lowers his voice to a hiss]'' ''SICK!'' ''[sobbing]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Dexter and Dee standing in front of Dexter's parents in their morning clothes drinking coffee]''
:'''Dexter's Dad''': Everything is going to be OKAY! We had coffee after all! ''[with a bit frightened look]'' But what if we didn't?

=== No Power Trip ===
:'''Dad''': Hon, when's the last time we washed the car?

=== The Laughing ===
:'''Clown''': Joke time! Joke time! Joke time! Alright, kids. Why is 6 afraid of 7? (beat) 'Cause 7 8 9! 
:''[the kids, minus Dexter, burst into laughter]'' 
:'''Dexter''': I don't get it.

=== Dexter's Lab: A Story ===
:[''The dog is roaming around under the table sniffing around the family'']
:'''Dad''': So, Dexter, where's your new buddy? Oh! Well, hello down there!
:'''Dog''': Hey! It's the man from before!
:'''Mom''': Oh!
:'''Dog''': This one's a lady!
:'''Mom''': He certainly is friendly.
:'''Dee Dee''': Oh!!!!!!! Yeah, a little ''too'' friendly.
:'''Dog''': IT'S THE STICK!

=== Better Off Wet ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Hmm... Now where was I going? (a bit of the roof lands on her head) POOL! (She takes off like a jack rabbit, wearing her swimsuit, and sandals, arrives at the pool outside, flips off her slippers and puts on her swimming cap) Hurry up, Dexter! (rides the slide and lands into the pool before she squirts out water)
:'''Dexter''': I am not ready yet. (He takes his hat, dressing gown, and takes off his sandals, showing his purple swimming trunks)
:'''Dexter's Mom''': Dexter, ready to get wet?!
:'''Dexter''': Almost!! (he rubs sunscreen onto his arms)
:'''Dexter's Dad''': (he appears behind Dexter's Mom) Hi, Dexter! (the camera pans in on a shocked Dexter)
:'''Dexter''':  NO!!! (He takes off)
:'''Dexter's Dad''': Dexter? (He looks around)
:'''Dexter''':  (blinks on the roof, thinking he is safe) Phew... 
:'''Dexter's Mom''':  (She jumps into the pool) Come on in, Dexter, the water's great!
:'''Dexter''': Okay, Mom.
:''' Mee Mee and Lee Lee''': Hey, Dee Dee! We're here!
:'''Dee Dee''': Hi, girls, come on in!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dexter's Dad''': Boy, they sure are talented.
:'''Dexter''': You said it. (realizes Dad was right next to him)
:'''Dexter's Dad''': Boo!
:'''Dexter''': (he screams in terror, Dad tries to push push him into the water, but he only bounces off of Dee Dee, Mee Mee, and Lee Lee's heads. He pants only for a short while) Phew!
:'''Dexter's Dad''': Darn, I just can't get that kid! (He notices Dexter's Mom walking up to the pool) Oh, well! (Dad pushes Mom into the pool)
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dexter's Dad''':  Good job, son, you finally made it in the pool.
:'''Dexter''': Thanks, Dad, I don't know I was so shy of the water. (Dexter's Parents and sister laugh because Dexter is naked because he has lost his trunks!)

=== Let's Save the World You Jerk! ===
:''[Earth is destroyed by meteors]''
:'''Dexter''': That was all your fault, you gnome!
:'''Mandark''': No way! You're taking the heat for this one, Dexter!

=== Rushmore Rumble ===
:'''Dexter''': [screaming]
:'''Dee Dee''': HI DEXTER! Penny for your throughts?
:'''Dexter''': I'm thinking Lincoln!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Timmy's Mom''': Timmy, why don't you go and play outside?
:'''Timmy''': Is it safe?
:'''Timmy's Mom''': Well if course it is.
:'''Timmy''': Okay. ''[runs outside the house]'' La La La La La La La La La La La. ''[plays with toy cars, sees the giant statues of Washington and Lincoln walking by, then screams, runs back to the house and slams the door]''

=== Paper Route Bout ===
:'''mandark''': i have this one with to take over the world!
:'''hector con carne''': what did you say?

=== The Old Switcharooms ===
:'''Mom''': You Kids are in big trouble.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Dee Dee and Dad enter Dee Dee's room and see that Dexter has destroyed it and is naked]''
:'''Dad''': Argh!
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[gasps]'' Dexter, you're naked! ''[knocks the trophy out Dad's hands, destroying it]''
:'''Dexter''': Now look what you did Dee Dee. You clumsy fool!
:'''Dad''': Argh!
:''[Cut to Dexter who is now in the doghouse, having switched &quot;rooms&quot; with the family dog]''
:'''Dexter''': Uh? Well, at least I don't have to worry about the dog destroying my lab.
:''[Cut to the dog barking and howling and destroying Dexter's lab]''

=== Trick or Treehouse ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Well, well. Look who's smaller than a breadbox.
:'''Dexter''': ''[inside the breadbox]'' Dee Dee! Let me out of here!
:'''Dee Dee''': Ha! I didn't know you could stick your beak into my business, and to get even, I get to go play around in your lab.
:'''Dexter''': Please! Dee Dee! No! No! Let me out!
:'''Dee Dee''': See you 'round, shortbread!
:'''Dexter''': Dee Dee! No! No! Please! Let me out! No! No! Please! No! No! No! No!
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[giggles in Dexter's laboratory]''
:'''Dexter''': Please! No! No!

=== Accent You Hate ===
:'''Gary''': You know, kid. You’ve got a funny accents. And if you haven’t read I hate kids with funny accents.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gary''': Get away from me! SHUT UP! '''''I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!'''''
:''[The statue punches Gary. The kids gasp. Gary's face grows red and big]''
:'''Gary''': My face! It hurts!
:'''Pirate Kid''': Arr! Now look who has the funny accent!

=== DiM ===
:'''Dee Dee''': You know they're all gonna burn out eventually.
:'''Dexter''': I know...

=== Repairanoid === 
:'''Mom''': When an electrical problem arises, I call a specialist! ''[Dad appears with a helmet and tool belt]'' No, honey. Not you.

=== sdrawkcaB (Backwards) ===
:'''Dexter''': ''[wears a Reverse Belt and walks backwards]'' !skrow tI !skrow tI .elbidercni si siht ,woW .snoitca nwo ym esrever yllautca oT ''[to Robot]'' .drawrof ,hguone si taht ,toboR ,yakO .drawroF ''[starts to get angry]'' --rof ,ydaerla thgirlA ''[gasps in reverse]'' .em ylliS ''[laughs in reverse]'' .mehA ''[to normal]'' ''Forward''.
:'''Robot''': Forward. ''[sets the lever from Reverse to Forward to Red to Green]''
:'''Dexter''': ''[walks normally]'' Wow, my Reverse Belt is a success!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Reverse! ''[[falling up with activating switch]'' ''Forward!'' ''[falling down]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[gasps]'' Dee Dee?! ''[switch activates]'' !?eeD eeD ''[gasps in reverse]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': You! What do you think you're doing? Do you have any idea what trouble you have been causing? First, I lose my lunch, and then Mom is gonna kill me, and Dad is probably in the hospital, and another thing--

=== The Continuum of Cartoon Fools ===
:'''Dexter''': Ah... Now I can get some work done in peace.
:[''The screen pans over to reveal Dee Dee working on an invention'']:
:'''Dee Dee''': Hey Dexter, can you please pass the atomizer?
:'''Dexter''': Oh certainly. (He than screams in shock that Dee Dee has gotten in his lab again, and Dee Dee unwillingly screams with him. They both stop and breath very hard.)
:'''Dexter''': (Dexter began to get angry.) All right, how the heck did you get in here?! (He pushes her to a tube) Did you get in through the 2-Dimensional Facial Filter? (He presses a button and then Dee Dee started to inflate with her body over filling the tube she was in. She then turns completely flat and then is rushed down a very narrow passage way.) Yes! (Dexter then pulls out a lazer gun called the discom bobulatur and zaps the 2-Dimensional Facial Filter destroying it. Dee Dee now completely flat suddenly walks up to Dexter.)
:'''Dee Dee''': No.
:'''Dexter''': Did you get in through the secret Molecular Disconfiguration Access Port? (He tosses the flat Dee Dee inside, presses a button, and Dee Dee was absorbed into molecules and is shot out of the lab. Dexter then grabs out a lazer gun called the meltron and zaps the Molecular Disconfiguration Access Port melting it. Dee Dee in normal shape again appears next to Dexter.)
:'''Dee Dee''': No.
:'''Dexter''': A ha! You came in through the secret Sky Port. (They come into a room with a pigeon in it. The pigeon coos at them.)
:'''Dee Dee''': You're kidding?
:'''Dexter''': Cassius, emergency exit! (Cassius then grabs on to Dee Dee's pigtails and flies her out of the lab.)
:'''Cassius''': It's a living.
:'''Dexter''': (Boards up the sky port.) Phew

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:[''Dexter swallows the key to the secret bookcase entrance'']
:'''Dexter''': THERE! NOW NO ONE'S GETTING IN! ''[maniacal laugh]''
:'''Dee Dee''': Hmmm... Yep. ''No one's'' getting into Dexter's Lab now. ''[leaves]''
:''[Dexter's smile of insanity turns into a look of horror]''
:'''Dexter''':  ......Uhhh, oh my dear... In my overwhelming zeal to banish my sister from the lab, I have indeed locked myself out! Too blinded was I not to foresee the most piteous of fates. I have thus performed the ultimate tragic irony! ''[now standing in front of the 'The End' title card]'' Surely, I am the fool of fools on a par with no other. I am no better than [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wile_E._Coyote that stupid coyote] or [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daffy_Duck that crazy duck]! Look at me, ''look at me!'' I am locked in a continuum of cartoon fools! I am doomed to a life of comic mishap adventures and social indignations! And now, here I stand before you, beaten, defeated and alone...

=== Misplaced in Space ===
:'''Alien''': Gork.
:'''Dexter''': (''translating on his watch'') 'Food?' Yeah, 'food'. You ate mine, yours, and everybody else's!
:'''Alien''': Gork.
:'''Dexter''': You can't still be hungry
:'''Alien''': Gork...
:'''Dexter''': Wh...Why are you looking at me like that?
:'''Alien''': GORK!

=== Dee Dee's Rival ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Dexter! Dexter! ''[Dexter smashed his control with a hammer]'' Oh Dexter. I'm so glad you're here! I need your help! There's a new girl in dance class and she thinks she's better than me. And I want to be a star of the show and thought... 
:'''Lala Vala''': ...use your science junk to help me beat that skinny creep.
:'''Dee Dee''': I have to win, Dexter. Or else...
:'''Lala Vala''': ...I'll be forced to break your nerdy...
:'''Dee Dee''': ...face any of the kids in class again! Please! Oh please! Oh... 
:'''Mandark''': ...Oh Please don't hurt me! Please don't hurt me! I'll do it. 
:'''Dexter''': But you better keep up your end of the bargain and I'll handle the rest. 
:'''Dee Dee''': Oh thank you, Dexter. ''[kisses Dexter's nose and laughs]''

'''Lala Vala''' ''[flings Mandark's nose and laughs]''

=== Pslightly Psycho ===
:'''Dexter, Dee Dee and Dad''': Happy Mother's Day!
:'''Mom''': New Gloves!

=== Blackfoot and Slim ===
:'''Narrator''': The Concrete Jungle. Deep within its seemingly endless towers, glass, steel and mortar, life exists.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Narrator''': For someday, we shall return to check up on this wonderful creature. This wonderful world of Blackfoot.

=== Trapped With a Vengeance ===
:'''Yani:''' ''[narrating]'' My job is simple. After the designated hours of education, the children exit to return home, while I clean, sweep and prepare their environment for the next day of education in sterile surroundings. For I am Yani the janitor. It is an uncomplicated job that leaves me much time after to spend with my beloved wife, but one children continues to complicate situation and torture. Night after night, he stays much time past designated hours, and when he decides to go he leaves a residue of filth that prolongs me for my beloved for several more hours. And when I return home, my love is taking a slumber and waking her would be catastrophical. So I wait and I plan, until the day that he will be to exit quickly for something important, for then I will have him... TRAPPED WITH A VENGEANCE!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Yani:''' Yello, Dexter. 
:'''Dexter:''' What're ya, crazy or somethin'?!

=== The Parrot Trap ===
:'''Dexter's Parrot:''' (in Dee Dee's voice) Dexter's a cookie!
:'''Dexter:''' (angrily) I am not a cookie!
:'''Dexter's Parrot:''' Dexter's a cookie!
:'''Dexter:''' Am not!
:'''Dexter's Parrot:''' Are too, cookie! (''Dexter violently shakes the stick the parrot is on, and it switches into Dexter's voice'') I'm gonna bop you one, girl! (''Dexter slams the parrot onto his desk, and it segues back into Dee Dee's voice) COOKIE! (Dexter repeatedly slams the parrot onto the table, until it is later seen beaten nearly into submission, and is flying away)
:'''Dexter:''' Good riddance! That has to be my worst invention yet!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Dexter's Dad:''' Who's trying to sneak up on me?
:'''Parrot:''' Dexter, boy genius. Dexter the cookie!
:'''Dexter's Dad:''' Shhhh I'm trying to watch my show!
:'''Parrot:''' I'm gonna bop you!
:'''Dexter's Dad:''' That is no way to talk to you-
:'''Parrot:''' You are a stupid girl! Get out get out get out! Yup yup yup! Don't touch anything!
:''(Dexter's Dad crawls away in fear)''
:'''Dexter's Dad:''' I-I-I-I-I'm sorry
:'''Dexter's Parrot:''' (in Dee Dee's voice) You're a cookie! (in Dexter's voice) Get out get out get out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Dexter's Mom:''' Alright, let's see. I'll need two eggs...
:''(Dexter's Mom cracks open two eggs and places them into the cooking bowl beside her)''
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' One stick of butter...
:''(Takes a stick of butter placed near her and places it into the cooking bowl)''
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' A half a cup of sugar...
:''(Dexter's Mom walks over to the left side of the kitchen counter where several containers lay as well as Dexter's Parrot. Mom takes some sugar and places it into the cooking bowl)''
:''(Dexter's Mom walks over to a spice rack inside the kitchen where various spices are seen as well as Dexter's Parrot from out of nowhere)''
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' A pinch of cinnamon.
:'''Parrot:''' A cup of cinnamon.
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' A cup of cinnamon.
:'''Parrot:''' A quart of pepper.
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' A quart of pepper.
:'''Parrot:''' A box of olives.
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' A box of peppers.
:'''Parrot:''' Yup, yup, yup!
:''(Dexter's Mom opens the refrigerator door inside the kitchen where the Parrot is seen inside once again)''
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' A block of cheese.
:'''Parrot:''' A block of cheese.
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' A gallon of milk.
:'''Parrot:''' A gallon of milk.
:''(Dexter's Mom takes the Parrot out of the refridgerator)''
:'''Parrot:''' Are you sneaking up on me?!?
:''(Mom back at the kitchen counter using the Parrot as a coffee boiler and pouring it into the bowl)''
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' A cup of coffee.
:'''Parrot:''' A cup of coffee.
:''(Mom settles the Parrot back down on the counter)'' 
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' Beans! 
:'''Parrot:''' Beans!
:''(Cookies fly out of the bowl suddenly)''
:'''Parrot:''' Cooooooooookies!
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' Cooooooooookies!
:'''Parrot:''' Worms and plastic minnows.
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' Now wait just a minute here! ...... Where am I gonna get worms and plastic minnows?
:'''Parrot:''' The Florida Everglades!
:''(Mom is seen immediately backing the car out of the house's driveway and driving away'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:''(Dexter has smashed the parrot to keep it from revealing his lab)''
:'''Dexter's Dad:''' Dexter!
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' How many times have I told you not to throw the bird?
:'''Dexter:''' But Mom, it's not a *real* bird. I built it in my secret laboratory.
:''(Dexter, realizing he just blabbed what the parrot didn't, claps his mouth shut)''
:'''Dee Dee:''' Smooth move, Dexter. Now you'll have to erase Mom and Dad's memories...again!
:'''Parrot:''' Smooth move, Dexter. Smooth move, Dexter. Smooth move, Dexter.

=== Dexter and Computress Get Mandark! ===
:'''Dexter''': You are stupid! You are stupid! And don't forget, you are stupid!

=== Dexter vs Santa's Claws ===
:'''Dad''': Dexter, what do you have to say for yourself?
:'''Dexter''': Well, I'm sorry I ruined Christmas. Again. But, isn't Christmas really about the family, and the love and the sharing and... Oh, Christmas tree! Oh, Christmas tree!
:'''Dee Dee''': You blockhead! That's not what Christmas is about!
:'''Dexter''':It's not? Then what is it about?
:'''Santa Claus''': The presents. Ho ho ho!

=== Dyno-Might === 
:'''Dynomutt''': Oooooh, what does this button do?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dad''': Nice uniform. You on some kind of sports team?
:'''Blue Falcon''': I'm the Blue Falcon.
:'''Dad''': Oh, yeah, the Falcons! You guys didn't do so well last season.
:'''Blue Falcon''': I'm the Blue Falcon!
:'''Dad''': Aww, don't be blue!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Blue Falcon''': I don't understand! This isn't like my old Dynomutt at all!
:'''Dexter''': Well... He's not, I built you an all-new one.
:'''Blue Falcon''': What? Why?
:'''Dexter''': Well, the old one was just a goofy idiot sidekick.
:'''Blue Falcon''': He wasn't JUST a goofy idiot sidekick! He was a....go-go dog person! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Blue Falcon''': Remember, Dexter: It's a goofy idiot sidekick that makes a superhero SUPER.

=== LABretto ===
:'''Dad''': ''[Singing]'' My goodness, my gracious, when will this day be done? Will I have a girl or will I have a son?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[singing sadly as the spotlight shines on him]'' This is not fantasy. This is reality. I'm stuck for my life! I'm stuck and I'll be stuck forever! With...my sister... ''[Yelling]'' DEE DEE!

=== Last But Not Beast ===
:'''Dad''': Secret laboratory? Now, Dexter, we need to straight a few things up with this secret laboratory business!

==Film==
=== [[w:Dexter's Laboratory: Ego Trip|Dexter's Laboratory: Ego Trip]] ===

:''[The Mandarks rally to stop the Dexters from getting the Neurotomic Proto-Core]''
:'''Young Mandark''': NOOO! I've always wanted the Core!
:'''Adult Mandark''': NOOO! I stole the Core!
:'''Overlord Mandark''': NOOO! The Core is mine!
:'''Mandark's Brain''': NOOO! Just because I'm bitter and jealous!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Old Man Dexter''': ''[thundering voice from inside a tower]'' WHOO DARES TO DISTURB THE GREAT DEXTER WHILE HE DROPS SCIENCE UPON THE WORLD?
:'''Dexter''': We are the Dexters of the past. We have come from the past to try to reach your all-knowing presence!
:'''Old Man Dexter''': PRESENTS? I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY? I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Old Man Dexter''': I remember! I REMEMBER! Dee Dee was the one who saved the future!
:'''Dexter''': What? No way!
:'''Adult Dexter''': That didn't just happen!
:'''Muscular Dexter''': I wanted to be the one who saved the future!
:'''Old Man Dexter''': Argh! That girl!
:''[The Dexters start building robots.]''
:'''Dexter''': I'll teach her to mess up my future savings.
:'''Adult Dexter''': Yeah, we'll show her!
:'''Muscular Dexter''': Ooh, that little ding dong!
:'''Old Man Dexter''': We'll get her once and for all!
:''[The Dexters finish building robots.]''
:'''Dexter''': Robots! Destroy the one who saved the future! ''[The robots walk towards the time machine.]'' Well. Huh. That should take care of Dee Dee. It looks like the future is back on track.
:'''Muscular Dexter''': I've got a lot of cleaning up to do but with a positive flow of the core everything should work out fine.
:'''Dexter''': Well then, we should be getting back to our own times. Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Muscular Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Old Man Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Adult Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Muscular Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Old Man Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Adult Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Muscular Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Adult Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Old Man Dexter''': Goodbye, Billy.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Boy, that wasn't exactly what I expected, but I did turn out pretty cool in the future. ''[sees himself fighting the robots and is surprised]'' Wait a minute, I'm still here fighting those robots. ''[breaks the fourth wall]'' But wait, those are the robots I just built to get Dee Dee while we're building the future. But now I'm about to destroy them before I even decide to go into the future. So, that means when I came back, I came back too far. Back before I ever left. So I must have come... No I... Or they were... Oh, forget it. Time travel hurts my brain.

==Season 3==
===Streaky Clean===

:'''Dexter''': [singing] Making the science, la la, la, making the science- [He grabs a test tube and it accidentally flies upwards.] Oopsy. [It falls on the table, splattering on his shirt.] Oh, would you look at that? How could I concentrate to the full capacity of my genius covered in such a filth? [He walks away] Blech!

(Dexter, now in his room, is undressing himself and replaces his messy lab coat, gloves and shoes with new, clean ones from his closet. After redressing, he jumps triumphantly.)

:'''Dexter''': [He walks back to his work area.] Now, back to the business. [He begins mixing his substance again.] Yes, yes! [He mixes more vigorously] This will be my greatest experiment ever! [He proudly holds his arm up, not realizing his beaker is about to fall over, which it does, making the same mess. Dexter holds his lab coat by wear the spill is.] Oh, for the sake of Pete...

(Dexter returns to his room to change again.)

:'''Dexter''': [Again, he walks back to his work area.] Okay now, here we a-go! [He slowly rises up to his work area. He carefully grabs his beaker.] Carefully, ''carefully.'' [He holds up a test tube and begins to pour another substance into the beaker.] Yes, that is it. Perfect, ''perfect!'' [A drop splashes Dexter's lab coat.] Oh HECK this is turning out to be!

(Dexter, once again, returns to his room to throw away another lab coat. He goes over to his closet to get another one. To his surprise, there are none left.)

:'''Dexter''': Hmm...'''MOM...!!!!'''

(A breeze blows through Dexter's bedroom window, causing him to shiver)

:'''Dexter''': What is taking her so long?

:'''Dexter''': (Dexter pokes his head out his door) Hey, mom! Shake a leg or something! [his mom arrives and opens the door but he doesn't notice] Mom! Mom! [he finally notices her and covers himself in embarrassment] HEY! [runs back in his room]

:'''Mom''': (Chuckles) Oh, come on out, Shy Boy. Here's your little play clothes all fresh and clean. But I just can't understand how you manage to stain your little outfit so quickly.

:'''Dexter''': Yeah, yeah, mom. It's a real enigma. [grabs his lab coat] Now, if you'll excuse me, I have much work to be doing. [takes his lab coat and gloves with him and closes the door]

:'''Dad''': The boy's right, dear. [puts his hands on his wife's hips] There is much work to be doing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
(Dexter streaks through the meadow)

:'''Dexter''': Oh boy, that was a close one. I just have to get to Ruthy's Field, and I will be home free! Home...

(Dexter streaks past a hippie couple sitting on a rock who smile as they watch him pass by, thinking he's celebrating the freedom of his nakedness)

:'''Dexter''': '''FREEEEEEEEEEE!!!!'''

:'''Male Hippie''': Right on, brother!

=== Mind Over Chatter ===
:'''Dexter''': ''[in his mind]'' Yuck! Mom's oatmeal! Tastes like barf!
:'''Mom''' ''[gasps]'' Dexter! Don't be rude!
:'''Dexter''': ''[confused]'' Huh?
:'''Dexter''': ''[in his mind while watching Dee Dee scarfing down her oatmeal]'' That sister of mine! What a ferocious pig!
:'''Dee Dee''': Hey! I'm no pig!
:'''Mom''' : That is enough Dexter! Time for school.
:'''Dexter''': But wait Dad, what-
:'''Dad''': The answer is no! Now get!
:'''Dexter''': ''[in his mind]'' Dad, what a stubborn poopoo doody head!
:'''Dad''': I heard that!
:'''Mom''': And we are going to have a serious talk about your potty mouth when you get home from school today!

=== Momdark ===
:'''Mom''': Huh, what did he mean when he said, &quot;your lab&quot;, Dexter?
:'''Dexter''': I don't know.

=== A Mom Cartoon ===
:'''Mom''': Oh Dad will just love this!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Shop Announcer''': Attention shoppers, we have a red light sale on aisle 8 on... latex gloves!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mom''': Would you look at that, the very last pair! Must be my lucky day!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Shop Announcer''': Attention shoppers,...

=== A Third Dad Cartoon ===
:'''Dad''': Aw well, I guess we'll have to try again next week.

==Season 4==
=== Beau Tie ===
:'''Beau''': I've always loved science.

=== Dexter's Library ===
:'''Dexter''': Ah, the sweet and silent solitude of the school library.
:'''Boy''': Oh yeah, we're so prepared for this. This is going to be a great game, we're going to kicky Booty.
:'''Girl''': Our new cheers are so awesome. Wait until you see them, you're not gonna believe it!
:'''Dexter''': Ahem! ''[puts the piece of paper that says &quot;No talking in the Library!!!&quot; in the book on the table]'' ''[takes the book from the boy]'' No book for you, ''[takes the other book from the girl]'' and no book for you!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[stops the boy trying to eat an apple]'' No, uh-uh. You know the rules. No food or drink in the library. ''[takes the book from him]'' No book for you!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[takes the book that is stepped on by a girl trying to reach the other book, she falls down]'' Mis-using school property, you know better than that. No book for you!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Ah, here we are. 701.328. ''[gasps]'' Hello! What is this?! &quot;Green Bacon and Eggs&quot;! What is a children's book doing in coelacanth paleobiology? ''[gets enraged]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Miss Salinger, Miss Salinger.
:'''Salinger''': Yes, what is it, Dexter?
:'''Dexter''': I have found an inappropriately placed piece of fiction.
:'''Salinger''': Really? Well, be a dear and place it in its proper home.
:'''Dexter''': ''[drops the book]'' Ahh. Library patrons speaking at unacceptable volumes, eating snacks, abusing school property, and now ''this''. Ahh, it is all very disappointing. ''[breaks the fourth wall]'' You know, I like Miss Salinger and all, but if this were my library, such behavior within these hallowed shelves would not be tolerated.
:'''Salinger''': Oh, my, look at the time. Dexter, I have to be at a staff meeting. I need you to keep an eye on things for one hour.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Finally, a school library dedicated to the pure appreciation of the English language. Dexter, you have done it again. Next! ''[a girl arrives with a book in her hand]'' Sarah Goldfarm. Another early return, I see. ''[Sarah gives the book to him]'' Ha ha ha! &quot;Stranger Rick&quot;: August 2001. A solid subject matter, ''[drops the book]'' but a little sophomoric for second grade. Would you not agree? ''[Robot burns the book]'' Robot, please retrieve some less frivolous reading for Miss Goldfarm? Perhaps something from coealacanth paleobiology, a personal favorite subject of mine.
:'''Robot''': ''[goes in search of a book in a library cabinet and returns to Dexter]'' Cannot confirm target.
:'''Dexter''': &quot;Cannot confirm target&quot;? You illiterate Android! ''[slaps the robot]'' Must I spell everything out for you recycled soup cans? ''[writes the piece of paper and puts it on the Robot's head]'' Well! ''[The Robot goes in search of a book again]'' ''[whistles]'' Heh heh heh!
:'''Robot''': ''[returns to Dexter]'' System error. Cannot confirm target.
:'''Dexter''': ''[gets angry]'' Arrrr! ''[punches the Robot's head]'' WHY MUST I DO EVERYTHING MYSELF?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[grumbles as he climbs the stairs in the librarian cabinet]'' ...stupid-looking robots. There. &quot;Coealacanth Paleonbiology&quot;. Now, how difficult was that? ''[opens his eyes and is surprised]'' &quot;GREEN BACON AND EGGS&quot;?!!! BUT I DO NOT LIKE &quot;GREEN BACON AND EGGS&quot;!!! There is not a walnut brained ape among you who is worthy to share my world-class collection of written history!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Salinger''': Dexter, I am very disappointed in you. I leave you in charge of the library for one hour, and look what you do. Just look at this mess.
:'''Dexter''': But-- but-- I... they...
:'''Salinger''': I'm giving you the maximum library penalty.
:'''Dexter''': ''[gasps]'' No! Not that! Please, Miss Salinger. No!
:'''Salinger''': That's right. You can only check out 4 books a week, instead of 5.
:'''Dexter''': ''[sobs]'' It's not very nice of you. NOOOOOOOOO!
:'''Crowd''': Shhh!

=== 2Geniuses 2Gether 4Ever ===
:'''Dexter''': Ah, all done.
:'''Mandark''': It's about time. Well, let's see what we've got. ''[takes off the blindfold]'' Ah! At last, my darkest creation is completed!
:'''Dexter''': ''[gives the remote control to Mandark]'' After you.
:'''Mandark''': May I? ''[grabs the remote control]'' With a push of this button, I, Mandark, will unleash a mind-bending transmission which will put the entire universe under my control. And that means you, too, Dorkster. I have double-crossed you once again. And now it will all be mine! ''[laughs]'' Ha!
:''[Mandark tries pressing the button over and over, and Dexter plugs the power cord into an electrical outlet, and the invention explodes by displaying the title of the television series as a reference to the intro]''
:'''Dexter''': Ha! Well, well, well, Mandark, who double-crossed whom?
:'''Mandark''': This was supposed to be mine, Dexter! All mine, not yours! Mine!
:'''Dexter''': Well, like I always say: if you can't play with the big dogs, stay on the porch. Ha ha! ''[The &quot;The End&quot; logo in white appears on the screen]'' Hey! What is going on? I am trying to wax poetic here.

=== Folly Calls ===
:'''Dexter''': ''[sees Dee Dee's hair cut off and laughs insanely]'' OH, YOU'RE KILLING ME! ''[laughing and snorting]''
:'''Dee Dee''': So?
:'''Dexter''': Now, Dee Dee. We have been through this scenario so many times before, and you know that I am helpless to assist you for one simple and very basic reason: you are STUPID!
:'''Dee Dee''': Oh, please, Dexter. Please! Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please! Oh, please, Dexter! Use your vast and unlimited knowledge of science to help me get my hair back! ''Pretty please.''
:'''Dexter''': Well, no.
:'''Dee Dee''': Alright, Dexter, but remember... ''[grows bigger]'' ''I am your big sister!'' ''[grows some more]'' ''AND I WILL CRUSH YOU LIKE A BUG...'' ''[grows again]'' '''''...IF YOU DON'T DO AS I SAY!'''''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Now, Dee Dee, pay attention. You are only to apply one drop of this stuff. Do you understand? One drop, not 2 drops, not 3 drops, not 75 drops. JUST ONE DROP! GOT IT?!
:'''Dee Dee''': Yeah. Of course I got it, Dexter. Just one drop. ''[sings and leaves the lab]'' One drop, one drop, one drop, one drop...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Dee Dee screams while running entering the lab]''
:'''Dexter''': Let me guess. You used more than one drop.
:'''Dee Dee''': It was too one drop, Dexter! Just a really, really ''big'' one drop!
:'''Dexter''': Hmm...

=== Comic Stripper ===
:'''Dexter''': You did it all wrong, Mandark. I figured out you were copying &quot;Mister Misery&quot; all along, so I played your own game against you. ''[Mandark pretends to be yawning]'' And then you have the nerve ''[throws the &quot;Mister Misery&quot; comic]'' not to even follow the dumb story! Oh, and one other thing... WHAT IS WITH ALL THIS STUPID QUACKING?!
:'''Mandark''': Well, you see, Dexter. I went to buy &quot;Mister Misery&quot; but the store was all sold out. So I picked up a copy of &quot;Dangerous Duck&quot; instead.
:'''Dexter''': And do you know why &quot;Mister Misery&quot; was all sold out? Because ''I'' bought them all.
:'''Mandark''': Hmm. Well, then. If you bought them all, ''how did you expect me to know all &quot;Mister Misery&quot;'s new fight moves then?!'' ''[Dexter is upset and a donkey appears]'' QUACK. ''[teases Dexter and walks away]''

=== Chicken Scratch ===
:'''Dexter''': (Screams in shock) What are the strange protrusions? I must investigate immediately. ''[ Dee Dee arrives while singing]'' Uh-oh.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': OK, Dee Dee, way too much has happened this morning so, please, GET OUT OF MY LABORATORY!!! ''[closes the door]'' I have no time for her foolishness today.
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[opens the door]'' But, Dexter, I'm not in your labor... [She stops and looks at Dexter] YOU'VE GOT CHICKENPOX!
:'''Dexter''': Chickenpox? What is this pox of the chicken?
:'''Dee Dee''': Poor Dexter, so knowledgeable in science but doesn't have enough common sense to know what chickenpox is. Well, a long time ago, a group of evil, contaminated chickens escaped from jail, and started to break into children's houses where they picked away, giving huge, itchy pimples. And if you stratch them, you turn into an evil, contaminated chicken!
:'''Dexter''': Are you crazy, woman? I've teach you les--! ''[scratches]''
:'''Dee Dee''': Bagock.
:'''Dexter''': (Screams in fear) I do not want to be an evil, contaminated chicken.
:'''Dee Dee ''': Then, DON'T SCRATCH! ''[leaves Dexter's room]''
:'''Dexter''': That seems simple enough. ''[scratches and stops]'' I'd better keep myself busy so as not to think about the itching.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Perfect. ''[thinking while scratching]'' Now, how much dioxide detrolium should I add? Hmm... what is the correct amount? ''[stops thinking and scratching and laughs]'' Silly me! ''[scratches again]'' Avoiding scratching this whole time? ''[freaks out]'' ROBOT! More drastic measures must be taken.
:'''Robot''': Yes, Dexter?
:'''Dexter''': Robot, if you see me scratching a part of my body, I want you to zap me with 100 watts of electrons.
:'''Robot''': Yes, Dexter. ''[zaps Dexter]''
:'''Dexter''': I wasn't ready, Robot.
:'''Robot''': Yes, Dexter. ''[zaps Dexter again]''
:'''Dexter''': I said I wasn't ready.
:'''Robot''': Yes, boy.
:'''Dexter''': No, Robot, wait! ''[Robot zaps him again]'' This is not working. ''[Robot zaps him again]'' STOP, ROBOT!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': A new invention must be created.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[after creating his invention]'' Success!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[destroys the straps after failing to hold back the itching]'' GOTTA SCRATCH!!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': Hello! [She stops and looks at Dexter] [Dee Dee screamed and ducks under her bed] [She peeks out] Dexter, is that you?
:'''Dexter''': ''[turns to Dexter who is now turned into a chicken]'' Yep, I scratched.

== Lost Episode ==
=== Rude Removal ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Oooh! Dexter's got gas!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Rude Dexter''': Where the f'ck are we?
:'''Rude Dee Dee''': Beats the cr'p out of me!
:'''Dexter''': (With a British accent) Why, you're in Dexter's Laboratory, silly. I'm Dexter, and this golden-haired angel behind me is my charming sister, Dee Dee.
:'''Dee Dee''': (With a British accent) Charmed!
:'''Rude Dexter''': Ah, f'ck off!
:'''Dexter and Dee Dee''': ''[gasp]'' Oh dear!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mom''': I hope you're hungry, 'cause I made a ''[trips over Rude Dexter]'' very... SPECIAL LUNCH THAT I GOT FROM A RECIPE THAT I... FOUND IN A BESSIE CRACKER MAGAZINE! ''[pants]'' I hope you like it.
:'''Mom''': ''[dizzy]'' Well, what do you think, Dexter?
:'''Rude Dexter''': ''[mouth full]'' I think it tastes like sh't! ''[spits at Mom]''
:'''Mom''': ''[faints]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mom''': ''[angry]'' Dexter! No, absolutely not! You cannot have any dessert!
:'''Rude Dexter''': Why? You want it all to yourself?
:'''Mom''': ''[gasps, then faints]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mom''': Now to clean those filthy mouths.
:'''Dexter''': ''[to the audience]'' Oh, sh't!

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0115157|title=Dexter's Laboratory}}

[[Category:1990s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Anime-influenced Western animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated science fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:Elementary school TV shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:TV shows revived after cancellation]]
[[Category:Cartoon Network original series]]
[[Category:Cartoon Network Studios]]
[[Category:Teletoon Retro shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about children]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about families]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about siblings]]
[[Category:Television series by Hanna-Barbera]]</text>
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      <text bytes="63534" xml:space="preserve">Episodes

== Season 1 ==
=== Dimwit Dexter ===
*'''Factory Worker #1''': Sir, he can't make much long!
*'''Factory Worker #2''': Just a little longer.
*'''Factory Worker #3''': His sim asses are firing in arming incredibly rage.
*'''Factory Worker #4''': Puncher rising!
*'''Factory Worker #5''': She can't take it!
*'''Factory Worker #6''': She's gonna blow!
*''[Angrily, Dexter's face turns red, and Dexter begins to let out a loud yell with rage]''
*'''Factory Worker #7''': RUN!!! (The factory workers flee and run away)
*''[Cut to the outside of Dexter's Lab, Dexter explodes his clothes off and causes fires in his lab]''
*''[The same explosion, the brain factory explodes]''
*''[After the explosion, Dexter was seen naked and filled with rage]''
*'''Factory Worker #8''': Shut it down.
*''[The factory workers shut down the emotion factory]''
*''[After the emotion factory shuts down, Dexter is seen naked and emotionless]''
*'''Factory Worker #9''': He said all the systems have shut down.
*'''Neighbor Boy''': Hey, everyone! Dexter's running around in his underpants! (echoing) Underpants! Underpants! Underpants!
*''[As Dexter fills himself to maximum capacity with a water nose,he sprays water everywhere]''

=== Dee Deemensional ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Oh Dexter! Dexter! Dexter! Come quick! You have to help! It's terrible! You sent me and you're all gross and-
:'''Dexter''': ''[Annoyed]'' This better be important, woman. You are interrupting my very delicate calculations.
:'''Dee Dee''': I have a message for you from the future.
:'''Dexter''': ''[Taps his index finger on the table]'' From the future, huh?
:'''Dee Dee''': Yes. You sent me back in time to-
:'''Dexter''': Stop! If there was a message so important that it would require time travel, I would certainly not entrust it to my ''idiot'' sister. I would send myself. In other words...''[Shouting]'' I would not send you back in time even if..! If..if...''[Shouting]'' I was being eaten alive!
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[Sobbing]'' Oh Dexter! Why are you being so terrible?!
:'''Dexter''': Please...I have no time for your tears. Why don't you go back outside and talk to trees or whatever it is you do?
:'''Dee Dee''': Fine! I will! And I'm not ever giving you the message! ''[Runs out of the lab, crying]''
:'''Dexter''': ''[Shrugs it off and continues work]'' Fine with me.

=== Dial M for Monkey: Magmanamus ===

=== Maternal Combat ===
:[''Dad happily returns home to find two smoking robots and the shifty looking kids'']
:'''Dad''': Hello honey! Hello Dexter! Hello Dee Dee! Hello honey! (''heads upstairs'') Hello honey!

=== Dexter Dodgeball ===
:'''Dexter''': ''[Hands his excuse note to the &quot;Coach&quot; and happly walks away]'' If you need me, I'll be in the Science Lab.
:'''Substitute Coach''': What is this crap?
:'''Dexter''': ''[Turns around in shock]'' Who are you?
:'''Substitute Coach''': I'm your Substitute Coach.
:'''Dexter''': But, But, But...
:'''Substitute Coach''': '''QUIET!'''
:'''Dexter''':...But My Excuse!
:'''Substitute Coach''': ''[Rips the excuse letter in half]'' What Excuse?! Now! Suit up! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': You're out!

=== Dial M for Monkey: Rasslor ===
:'''Rasslor''': Welcome heroes of Earth!! You have been chosen to receive the most glorious of gifts! The opportunity to face me, the great Rasslor, in a contest of strength and skill! For Aeons, I have scoured the cosmos searching for the one adversary who could provide me with suitable sport! Although, I have yet to find such a noble soul. Each creature, each race, more pitiful than the last. So I spare them the disgrace of their weakness by destroying their worlds! And now my quest has brought me to this timid little planet you call Earth. So, terrestrial heroes, can one of you quench my thirst for the divine conflict, the supreme struggle?! Or will your planet be doomed to the same fate that has befallen so many?
:''[The heroes stare at him, confused]''
:'''Heroes''': ...What?
:'''Rasslor''': Fight me or I destroy the Earth! Now let the games begin!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rasslor''': Incredible. I could crush your body, I could smash your bones, but I could never break your spirit. You are a marvel little monkey. Any world that could spawn one as noble as you is truly blessed. I SPARE YOUR EARTH!!!

=== Dexter's Assistant ===
:'''Dexter''': Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[sweetly]'' Assistant?
:'''Dee Dee''': Yes?
:'''Dexter''': Would you please assist me by...SHUTTING UP!?

=== Dexter's Rival ===
:'''Mandark''': Yes, Dexter, I ''can'' read your thoughts, and I ''am'' smarter than you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mandark''': Welcome to my laboratory! (Echoing) Laboratory! Laboratory!

=== Jurassic Pooch ===
:'''Dexter''': ''[to the audience]'' Anybody want to buy a dinosaur? ''[episode ends]''

=== Dee Dee's Room ===
:'''Dexter''': Why am I breathing so hard?

=== Star Spangled Sidekicks ===
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[laughs at Dexter's speech for wanting to be Major Glory's sidekick]''
:'''Dexter''': And what is so humorous about that? ''[Dee Dee continues laughing]'' Dee Dee stop this laughing this instant!
:'''Dee Dee''': Okay, okay Dexter, don't get your underwear into a wrinkle. Look...You're my brother and all so I'll be honest with ya...''[amused]'' You've gotta be kidding me! ''[seriously]'' You don't got what takes. Just look at ya...''[measures Dexter]'' You're two foot nothing. ''[camera zooms on Dexter's glasses]'' You can barely see ''[puts her arm around Dexter's shoulder]'' and besides everything...You're a dork! ''[smiles]''
:'''Dexter''': ''[yells in frustration]'' 
:'''Dexter''': And I suppose you have what it takes to be a superhero's sidekick?
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[shrugs]'' Of course. I have style, pizzazz, and I can punch and kick some. You know. ''[Dexter opens his mouth to talk]'' Yes?
:'''Dexter''': ''[drops it]'' Forget it. ''[walks upstairs]'' There's nothing to be said. I will be Major Glory's sidekick and you will not.
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[shouts upstairs]'' That's what you think Dexter!
:'''Dexter''': No, Dee Dee! That's what I know.

=== Game Over ===
:'''Dexter''': 'Master Computer?' Wow dad, thanks, a video game... An OLD video game...
:'''Dad''': Well, I know how much you like gadgets and stuff, Dexter, but what you've got there is more than just a video game: It's a bargain! Got it for a nickel from a gypsy!

=== Babysitter Blues ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Hello!
:'''Dexter''': Dee Dee, get off the phone!
:'''Dee Dee''': Okay, but I'm still trying to find whatever it was I was looking for.
:'''Dexter''': Great, okay, bye.
:'''Dee Dee''': Bye!
:'''Dexter''': Bye.
:'''Dee Dee''': Bye!
:'''Dexter''': BYE!

:'''Dexter''': (''sounds like Lisa's boyfriend on her end of the phone'') Oh, I guess we just got cut off. But I wanted to call you back and tell you that you have got cooties and I am love with....with...my football. Bye.

=== Dream Machine ===
:'''Dexter''': Well, if you are the grandfather of all knowledge, that means it's...'''I'M IN A NIGHTMARE!!!!

=== The Big Cheese ===
:'''Dexter''': Omelette du fromage.

=== Way of the Dee Dee ===
:'''Dexter''': (enraged at Dee Dee) '''WHY DO YOU DO THIS?! YOU ARE SO STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! '''Oh, and let's not forget...'''''YOU'RE SO STUPID!'''''
:'''Dee Dee''': Ow! (Rubs her face) Oh yeah!? Well just because I know how to have fun doesn't mean I'm stupid! I may not know all that scientifical makna logical stuff, but I know how to climb a tree, and I know how to pet a kitty just right. And I know how to tie my own shoes Mr zipper boot!... Actually, I feel sorry for you, Dexter. You're like a pickle - sour, and all bottled up in your laboratory. Toiling away alone in the dark, searching for answers to questions nobody asked. Locked away from the world, never to experience the ''true'' mysteries of life. Well, you can keep your cold, sterile little lab, because for me, the world is my laboratory! Goodbye, Dexter. I shan't impose on you ever again.
:''[She leaves the lab; after a moment of silent contemplation, Dexter rushes out after her]''
:'''Dexter''': DEE DEE! ''[sadly]'' Everything you said was true! I don't want to be a pickle! But I need your help. Show me the way to be free, show me the way of the Dee Dee!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': Discard those ravlings which tie you to the lab. ''[Dexter looks down at his clothes]'' There must be a stripping of the old, before you start anew. ''[The next shot shows Dexter in just his underwear and gloves, in a nervous &quot;Ta-Da!&quot; pose]'' AND the gloves. ''[He reluctantly pulls them off]'' Now step into the light.
:'''Dexter''': But, I don't have any sunscreen.
:'''Dee Dee''': Do not fear, little one. The first step is always the hardest.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[slaps Dexter]'' Stop it, Dexter! Look at yourself! You're a MONSTER! No longer a quiet creator but a mad destroyer! ''[sobs]'' I'm so sorry! I shouldn't have pushed you! I know now it wasn't my place to try to change you! Oh Dexter, please forgive me. [Dexter reaches his hand out to Dee Dee. She then leaves the lab]'' OH, WHAT HAVE I DONE?! ''[still sobbing]''

=== Say Uncle Sam ===
:'''Major Glory''': Now we are going to over this again and again and again untill we get it right! Comprende?
:''[Valhallen and Crunk glare at Major Glory angrily]''
:'''Major Glory''': ''[Nervously]'' Perhaps I've pushed you too hard

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Major Glory''': Uncle Sam! What happened to you?!
:'''Uncle Sam''': Doctor's orders, nephew. Told me I was too high strung. Told me to loosen up. And I feel great.

=== Monstory ===
:'''Dexter''': This isn't one of your stupid knock-knock jokes, is it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[as a spider-like monster]'' Dexter! I see you!
:'''Dexter''': ''[drinks a vat of chemical waste nearby and confronts Dee Dee as a Godzilla-like monster]'' This ends now!
:'''Dee Dee''': But I'm not finished!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Dee Dee defeats Dexter after they fight as giant monsters]''
:'''Dee Dee''': NOW you'll listen! So the boy told the girl in the park on the pony... &quot;Knock-knock!&quot;
:'''Dexter''': NOOOOOO!!!!

== Season 2 ==
=== Beard to Be Feared ===
:'''Dee Dee''': That is one rugged brother...
:'''Mee-Mee and Lee-Lee''': Shut your mouth!
:'''Dee Dee''': I'm only talkin' 'bout Dexter.
:'''Mee-Mee and Lee-Lee''': We can dig it.

=== Ant Pants ===
:'''Dexter''': Ants are...
:'''Dee Dee''': Icky!
:'''Dexter''': To be respected.
:'''Dee Dee''': Icky!
:'''Dexter''': To be respected.
:'''Dee Dee''': Icky!
:'''Dexter''': To be respected.

=== Chubby Cheese ===
:'''Evil Commander''': We will meet again, little man.
:'''Pedro The Mouse''': Yes!

=== That Crazy Robot ===
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mom''': (To Dee Dee) Dee Dee, you've got to go to school.
:'''Dee Dee''': (To the robot) School schmool. I want to stay home and play with you!
:'''Robot''': I'll come to school with you.
:'''Dee Dee''': Silly robot! School is for kids.
:'''Robot''': Please? I'll polish your pencils, carry your books, eat your sandwich, yum. (bites sandwich)

=== D &amp; DD ===
:'''Dee Dee:''' You can be this guy!
:'''Dexter''': What?!
:'''Valerian''': Well, it seems Hodo the furry-footed burrower has joined in our quest!
:'''Dexter''': I don't wanna be no furry-footed burrower.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter/Hodo''': I unsheath my deadly...mandolin?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dee Dee/Bachelorette''': Okay, say we're stranded alone on an island. Do you have any skills that would come in handy, bachelor number 4?
:'''Dexter/Hodo''': I'd dig holes.

=== Hamhocks and Armlocks ===
:'''Dexter''': ''[Shouting at the truck passing by]'' Hey! Who do you think you are?! King of the Road?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': What are Hamhocks?
:'''Dee Dee''': They're gross!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dad''': Earl! You can humilate me. You can destroy my property. But don't you ever close a door on a lady, especially my Wife! You and me wrestle. Be there...or be square!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dad''': Earl! You ready, Earl? Let's do this!

=== The Koos is Loose ===
:'''Koosalagoopagoop''': You know, if you turn your lips inside out, you can look like Jimmy Carter.

=== Book 'Em ===
:'''Dexter''': More learning material...? ''[gasps and looks at the library stamp]'' No stamp?! This book has been illegally checked out!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mrs L''': Oh, Dexter, how could you? Your actions have brought shame upon this library! For this you shall be punished! YOU'RE BANNED FROM THE LIBRARY '''FOREVER!''' ''[stamps Dexter's head that is written banned as he falls he saw Mrs L's face, three biting books, Dee Dee's creepy face with creepy teeth Dexter's Dad's face and the fire that resembles hell]''
:'''Dexter''': AAAAAAAAAAHH!!!
:'''Dee Dee''': Good-bye, Dexter.
:'''Dexter's Dad''': You are welcome.
:'''Dexter''': AAAAAAAAAAHH! ''[falls into the hole from the book written inferno Dante's with the pitchfork sign on it as he landed on a book chair]''
:'''Devil''': ''[slaps Dexter while he is laughing at Dexter]'' Welcome to library heck. ''[then he starts the evil laugh]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': The book must be returned. Just do it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': Hey! Librari-ann! We quit! You win!
:'''Dexter''': Traitor!
:'''Mrs L''': What? Why, Dee Dee, thank you for apprehending your loudmouth brother. I see good things in your future. ''[to Dexter, unhappily]'' And as for you, Mr. Dexter...
:'''Dexter''': ''[grumbles to himself and shakes]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[reading a story for Dee Dee and several other kids]'' And so, after Prince asked Mr. Grumpster to leave nicely, everyone in Snuggleville gave each other a warm, fuzzy hug. The end. ...Blech.

=== Shoo, Shoe Gnomes ===
* ''[After learning that Dee Dee was gonna pass out cookies to the gnomes]''
* '''Dexter''': Stupid me.

=== Lab of the Lost ===
:'''Dexter''': Look, there's R2-D2!

=== Labels ===
* ''[Later that night, Dexter guzzles down apple juice and cannot stop drinking it despite his bloated belly]''
* ''[Dexter, who has somehow gotten the &quot;Dee Dee&quot; label off, and Dee Dee are being made to clean off every single label as punishment for the mess they made]''
* '''Dexter''': I sure hope you're happy, Dee Dee, considering this is all your fault.
* '''Dee Dee''': No way! '''''YOU''''' started it, Dorkster! '''''YOU''''' put labels on all my dolls!
* '''Dexter''': Well, you were the one that labeled all the food!
* '''Dexter's Mom''': Honey, why is the carpet all wet here?

=== Filet of Soul ===
:'''Dad''': What can we say about our beloved Fishy?
:'''Dee Dee''': Not much, we only had him for one day.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Good night Einstein. Good night Major Glory! Good night, ghost of dead Fishy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Dee Dee! Did you see the disgusting spook-fish that almost killed me?
:'''Dee Dee''': No. I just like to run around and scream real loud!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Dee Dee! ''[Dee Dee is flushed down into the toilet bowl]'' No! Dee Dee, come back! Dee Dee, I'm ordering you to come out of this toilet!
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[her apparition appears in the shower]'' ''Dexter, help me! I am trapped in the Sewer Beyond!''
:'''Dexter''': No, you're not! I just saw you go down the toilet!
:'''Dee Dee''': ''Listen to me! There's lots of bad fishies and stuff here and they won't let me go! They won't rest until Fishy is on the other side! You've got to flush Fishy, Dexter!''
:'''Dexter''': ''[tries to reach Fishy's corpse]'' Can't reach! It's no use! My arms, they are too short!
:'''Dee Dee''': ''Come on, genius boy! Figure it out!''
:'''Dexter''': ''[grabs a toilet plunger and pulls Dee Dee out. The apparition of Dee Dee disappears from the shower and Dee Dee is freed]'' Dee Dee, flush the fish, NOW!
:''[Dee Dee tosses Fishy's corpse into the toilet bowl and flushes it down]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': Whew! I'm sure glad that's over. Huh?
:''[A tentacle extends out of the toilet bowl, grabs Dee Dee and pulls her back into the toilet]''
:'''Dexter''': LOOK OUT! EGAD!
:'''Dee Dee''': Help me! Dexter, it's pulling me back, and they're angry, Dexter, REAL ANGRY!
:'''Dexter''': ''[grabs the handle trying to pull Dee Dee free]'' Why?! We flushed the stupid fish!
:'''Dee Dee''': Its soul, Dexter! It's still in the trap! ''[the Apparition Containment Unit shakes up with a WARNING signal active in Dexter's room]'' DO SOMETHING! ''[Dexter reaches for the fishing rod and grabs it just as the toilet begins flushing her down]'' HEEEEEEEELP!!!
:''[Dexter casts his fishing rod. The line extends from the bathroom to Dexter's room, at which point the hook presses the containment unit's &quot;open&quot; button. This frees Fishy's soul and he follows the fishing line's path into the bathroom. Just as Dexter pulls Dee Dee out of the toilet, Fishy happily goes down into it and travels into the Sewer Beyond, departing into the afterlife. Dad then walks in to see the two of them sitting of the floor.]''
:'''Dad''': How many times have I told you? Early morning is daddy's special bathroom privacy time. ''[Upon the flash of lightning, he gains golden glowing eyes with slit pupils and sharp teeth and laughs maniacally]''

=== Golden Diskette ===
:'''Dexter and Prof. Hawk's fans''': You crazy girl! Look what you've done!
:'''Professor Hawk''': Not to worry boys. ''[to Dee Dee]'' Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. THANK YOU. Thank you.
:'''Dexter and Prof. Hawk's fans''': Hey! Hey! Hey! What's happening here, Professor?
:'''Professor Hawk''': Oh, now, boys, hold on. It's very simple. You see, for the past several years I focused on brain power leading my body to wither. But this young princess reminded me how important my body was, with her innocence and naivety.
:'''Dexter and Prof. Hawk's fans''': Princess?! But what about the mysterious grand prize?
:'''Professor Hawk''': Mmm-hmm. You're right. I've got it! Let's have dance contest. Whoever wins, wins the factory!

=== Snowdown ===
:'''Dexter''': I know she is my sister, a girl and the neighbourhood champ, but could you please tell Dee Dee to stop PUMMELLING ME WITH SNOWBALLS?!
:'''Dad''': Did you say...snowballs?
:'''Dexter''': Uh....Yeah....
:'''Dad''': They...called me Champ. Back when I had...the gift. (''flashes back to his childhood'') I was a natural from day one. As I grew, so did my skills. In high school, I was untouchable!
:'''High school kid''': Hey, grow up man!
:'''Dad (VO)''': They were all just jealous! Jealous of my powers! For I was a king, a force of nature, I was the ultimate snowball warrior! Then I went to college. I was never the same again! (''remembers being struck by one snowball'')
:'''Dad''': That....was the coldest winter...ever... But that's where you come in! You can help me reclaim my title!
:'''Dexter''': Why not just let Dee Dee do it?
:'''Dad''': No! Her powers are evil. Only as father and son can we truly carry on the legacy. Let the training begin!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dad''': Dexter, five words: Scoop, roll, throw, hit, duck!

=== Mock 5 ===
:'''Dad''': The first thing any racer needs is a car! All the best racers drive cars it's how they go but cars don't grow on trees! Except this one 'cos it's made of wood. Behold, the Mock 5!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mandark''': It's Racer D! The most beautiful racer in the world! Racer D.... ''[crashes his kart]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dad''': I can't look, did he crash? No! No, he did just the opposite, he won! Winning is the part I enjoy most about racing especially when the winner is my son! Congratulations Dexter, you've made me very proud.
:'''Dexter''': Thanks, Dad.
:'''Dad''': If only your.... ''[sniffling]'' older sister Dee Dee were here to see this...
:'''Dee Dee''': I'm right here, Dad!
:'''Dad''': Oh, Dee Dee..! Dee Dee, where have you been all these years?!
:'''Dee Dee''': Right behind you.
:'''Dad''': Oh, you know I never look back there, ha-ha!
'''Dexter''': Huh?! No, Monkey! That's not candy! That's boiling lava!

=== Ewww That's Growth ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Hey Dexter, looks like we're next. Dexter?!
:'''Dexter''': Oh boy! Oh boy! We're next!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': I'm on top of the WORLD!!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': This is the greatest day of my entire life! ''[his head gets hit by the top edge of the roller coaster's tunnel]''

=== A Hard Day's Day ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Mom! Dexter's mooning me!

=== Road Rash ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Can't catch me!

=== The Justice Friends: Things That Go Bonk in the Night ===
:'''Major Glory''': You want a piece of me, junior?!
:'''Puppet Pal Mitch''': Oh-hoo! You're bonking up the wrong tree, buddy!

=== Dexter is Dirty ===
:'''Mom''': Dex, it's time for your bath!
:'''Dexter''': But I'll miss my show!
:'''Mom''': Don't argue with me, young man, just do it!

=== Ice Cream Scream ===
:'''Ice Cream Man''': You are wanting to know why? You mean you do not remember?
:'''Dexter''': Remember what?
:'''Ice Cream Man''': April 19, one year ago: It is first day on job. Everything is going great, until you come. You want the most expensive ice cream. I make suggestion of cheaper ice cream, but no, you want expensive one. And after I'm giving you ice cream, you pay with PENNIES. Do you know how long it took me to count those pennies?
:'''Dexter''': Emm... at an average human rate, I'd estimate about 5 hours and 33 minutes?
:'''Ice Cream Man''': Precisely. And when the counting was done, it is time to put pennies in safe. Then I'm noticing my shoelaces untied. Now, I couldn't very well stop to tie my shoes since somebody had given me a heavy jar of pennies to hold, and the ice cream man rules say to keep any amount of money OVER a dollar in the safe. So, I trip, and I break my tooth. The pain, it is so bad. My girlfriend left me, I lose apartment, I lose car, I'm forced to live on the freeway with wild animals, I CAN'T EVEN EAT ICE CREAM BECAUSE OF THE PAIN! '''ALL BECAUSE OF YOUR STUPID PENNIES!!''' (''screams angrily, then breathes hardly'')
:'''Dexter''': (''chuckles'') You know, I still have all of my baby teeth. Ern... I'm sorry. I'm really, really, really, REALLY sorry.
:'''Ice Cream Man''': Forget about it, kid.
:'''Dexter''': Well, in that bad case, can I order my ice cream now?
:'''Ice Cream Man''': Sure.
:'''Dexter''': I'll just have a Choco-Pop, please. (''The Ice Cream Man gives him a Choco-Pop ice cream'') At last, ice cream to eat!
:'''Ice Cream Man''': Dollar fifty, please.
:'''Dexter''': (''gives a hundred dollar bill to Ice Cream Man'') You got change for a hundred?
:(''Ice Cream Man screams angrily again'')

=== Ultrajerk 2000 ===
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': Greetings, Dexter. Welcome to my laboratory.
:'''Dexter''': Emm, excuse me. But, did you say ''your'' laboratory?
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': Yes, Dexter. My laboratory. While you slumbered, I began an analysis of your primitive laboratory finding it to be highly inefficient. I discovered that by salvaging useful components and destroying obsolete ones, I was able to create this tower capable of performing functions thousands of times greater than its predecessor, rendering a former laboratory and its creator ''obsolete''. And all obsolete materials must be destroyed.
:'''Dexter''': ''[chuckles]'' Well, then. It sounds like you had a busy night. I'll just unplug it for a little while and you can get some rest. ''[Ultrabot 4000 Observation Unit attacks him]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': I have created a monster. I got to destroy him.
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': I heard that. ''[Ultrabot 4000 Observation Unit attacks him again]''
:'''Dexter''': His laboratory, eh? We'll just see about that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[arrives]'' Hi, Dexter!
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': Attention, new organism. You are intruding in my laboratory. Prepare to be destroyed.
:'''Dee Dee''': Hey, Dexter, what are you doing way up there?
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': I am not Dexter. Dexter is obsolete. I am Ultrabot 2000.
:'''Dee Dee''': Gee, Dexter. You look like Dexter.
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': Not Dexter. Ultrabot 2000. Dexter is obsolete.
:'''Dee Dee''': You sound like Dexter too, Dexter.
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': Dexter is obsolete and must be destroyed. I am Omnibot, the most efficient life form in the universe.
:'''Dee Dee''': Boy, you sure act like Dexter. And if you look like Dexter, sound like Dexter and act like Dexter, then you MUST be Dexter!
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': ''[Ultrabot 4000 Observation Units aim at it]'' I am not Dexter. Dexter must be destroyed.
:'''Dee Dee''': Whatever you say, Dexter. OK, see you later, Dexter. ''[leaves]''
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': No. Wait. Don't listen to her. ''[Ultrabot 4000 Observation Units attack it and the control tower explodes]'' ''[Dexter approaches Omnibot's slightly active eye and kicks it, shutting it down]''

=== Dee Dee Be Deep ===
* Dee Dee: [Singing] What's with all the noise, Dexter?!

=== The Muffin King ===
*'''Dad''':  Like?  Like?!  Kids, I loved her muffins more than life itself.  Those muffins are the reason I married your mother.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Dad''': [Dressed as Mom] Muffin Time!!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Dad''':[Hidden in the dark] Dexter.  Son, could you come in here for a moment?  I need to talk to you.
*'''Dexter''':  And just what is it you want?
*'''Dad''':[steps out of the shadows, with a presence like Darth Vader] Dexter.  I... am your father!
*'''Dexter'''[shocked]That is not possible![but returns back to reality]Oh wait, no, you're right.
*'''Dad''': So join me!  Come to the Muffin Side.  Do not resist.  It is your destiny.
*'''Dexter''': Never!

=== Dexter Detention ===
:'''Dexter''': We are free!!!
:'''Prison Warden''': Looks like you broke into the state prison.

=== Don't Be a Baby ===
:'''Dexter''': Computer, what the heck is going on?!
:'''Computer''': Goo goo ga ga goo goo pee-pee!
:'''Dexter''': Hmm, yes, pee-pee...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': Dad stop being a stinker!
:''[She picks Dad up and then sniffs the air smelling something stinky]
:'''Dee Dee''': Ew, speaking of stinky...time to change your diaper!
:''[She sets Dad down on the floor and proceeds to change his diaper, afterwards holding up the dirty diaper which has a large brown spot on the seat]
:'''Dee Dee''': That's better...now a little powder.
:''[She sprinkles a whole lot of baby powder which fills the air causing Dad to cough]
:'''Dee Dee''': All done!

=== Topped Off ===
:'''Dexter's Dad''': Hmm... What the? ''[cuts to mugs leaking coffee, coffee pot, and milk]'' The kitchen's a mess. Something wrong here. ''[eyes go open]'' ''[searches through cabinets]'' Coffee, coffee, where's the coffee? Hello, coffee? '''WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THE COFFEE?!?!?!'''
:'''Dee Dee''': Uh...
:'''Dexter and Dee Dee''': We drank it all. ''[Dad looks shocked, then eerily calm]''
:'''Dexter's Dad''': You... drank the coffee? ''[laughs]'' ''You'' two drank the coffee?
:'''Dexter and Dee Dee''': ''[nervous giggling]''
:'''Dexter's Dad''': ''[laughing]'' ''[goes upset]'' Where did I go wrong? I thought I was a good father. I thought I brought you kids up right. You see, kids, coffee is what we adults need to get started in the morning. It's the key to our ignition. You kids don't need it. No. You've got youth. We adults need the coffee. But now, all we have is... ''[holds up empty coffee pot]'' THIS!!! ''[tries to get a drop from the coffee pot but nothing comes out]'' Empty! A mere shell of its former self! I've seen some pretty horrible things in my life. But this... this is just... ''[lowers his voice to a hiss]'' ''SICK!'' ''[sobbing]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Dexter and Dee standing in front of Dexter's parents in their morning clothes drinking coffee]''
:'''Dexter's Dad''': Everything is going to be OKAY! We had coffee after all! ''[with a bit frightened look]'' But what if we didn't?

=== No Power Trip ===
:'''Dad''': Hon, when's the last time we washed the car?

=== The Laughing ===
:'''Clown''': Joke time! Joke time! Joke time! Alright, kids. Why is 6 afraid of 7? (beat) 'Cause 7 8 9! 
:''[the kids, minus Dexter, burst into laughter]'' 
:'''Dexter''': I don't get it.

=== Dexter's Lab: A Story ===
:[''The dog is roaming around under the table sniffing around the family'']
:'''Dad''': So, Dexter, where's your new buddy? Oh! Well, hello down there!
:'''Dog''': Hey! It's the man from before!
:'''Mom''': Oh!
:'''Dog''': This one's a lady!
:'''Mom''': He certainly is friendly.
:'''Dee Dee''': Oh!!!!!!! Yeah, a little ''too'' friendly.
:'''Dog''': IT'S THE STICK!

=== Better Off Wet ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Hmm... Now where was I going? (a bit of the roof lands on her head) POOL! (She takes off like a jack rabbit, wearing her swimsuit, and sandals, arrives at the pool outside, flips off her slippers and puts on her swimming cap) Hurry up, Dexter! (rides the slide and lands into the pool before she squirts out water)
:'''Dexter''': I am not ready yet. (He takes his hat, dressing gown, and takes off his sandals, showing his purple swimming trunks)
:'''Dexter's Mom''': Dexter, ready to get wet?!
:'''Dexter''': Almost!! (he rubs sunscreen onto his arms)
:'''Dexter's Dad''': (he appears behind Dexter's Mom) Hi, Dexter! (the camera pans in on a shocked Dexter)
:'''Dexter''':  NO!!! (He takes off)
:'''Dexter's Dad''': Dexter? (He looks around)
:'''Dexter''':  (blinks on the roof, thinking he is safe) Phew... 
:'''Dexter's Mom''':  (She jumps into the pool) Come on in, Dexter, the water's great!
:'''Dexter''': Okay, Mom.
:''' Mee Mee and Lee Lee''': Hey, Dee Dee! We're here!
:'''Dee Dee''': Hi, girls, come on in!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dexter's Dad''': Boy, they sure are talented.
:'''Dexter''': You said it. (realizes Dad was right next to him)
:'''Dexter's Dad''': Boo!
:'''Dexter''': (he screams in terror, Dad tries to push push him into the water, but he only bounces off of Dee Dee, Mee Mee, and Lee Lee's heads. He pants only for a short while) Phew!
:'''Dexter's Dad''': Darn, I just can't get that kid! (He notices Dexter's Mom walking up to the pool) Oh, well! (Dad pushes Mom into the pool)
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dexter's Dad''':  Good job, son, you finally made it in the pool.
:'''Dexter''': Thanks, Dad, I don't know I was so shy of the water. (Dexter's Parents and sister laugh because Dexter is naked because he has lost his trunks!)

=== Let's Save the World You Jerk! ===
:''[Earth is destroyed by meteors]''
:'''Dexter''': That was all your fault, you gnome!
:'''Mandark''': No way! You're taking the heat for this one, Dexter!

=== Rushmore Rumble ===
:'''Dexter''': [screaming]
:'''Dee Dee''': HI DEXTER! Penny for your throughts?
:'''Dexter''': I'm thinking Lincoln!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Timmy's Mom''': Timmy, why don't you go and play outside?
:'''Timmy''': Is it safe?
:'''Timmy's Mom''': Well if course it is.
:'''Timmy''': Okay. ''[runs outside the house]'' La La La La La La La La La La La. ''[plays with toy cars, sees the giant statues of Washington and Lincoln walking by, then screams, runs back to the house and slams the door]''

=== The Old Switcharooms ===
:'''Mom''': You Kids are in big trouble.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Dee Dee and Dad enter Dee Dee's room and see that Dexter has destroyed it and is naked]''
:'''Dad''': Argh!
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[gasps]'' Dexter, you're naked! ''[knocks the trophy out Dad's hands, destroying it]''
:'''Dexter''': Now look what you did Dee Dee. You clumsy fool!
:'''Dad''': Argh!
:''[Cut to Dexter who is now in the doghouse, having switched &quot;rooms&quot; with the family dog]''
:'''Dexter''': Uh? Well, at least I don't have to worry about the dog destroying my lab.
:''[Cut to the dog barking and howling and destroying Dexter's lab]''

=== Trick or Treehouse ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Well, well. Look who's smaller than a breadbox.
:'''Dexter''': ''[inside the breadbox]'' Dee Dee! Let me out of here!
:'''Dee Dee''': Ha! I didn't know you could stick your beak into my business, and to get even, I get to go play around in your lab.
:'''Dexter''': Please! Dee Dee! No! No! Let me out!
:'''Dee Dee''': See you 'round, shortbread!
:'''Dexter''': Dee Dee! No! No! Please! Let me out! No! No! Please! No! No! No! No!
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[giggles in Dexter's laboratory]''
:'''Dexter''': Please! No! No!

=== Accent You Hate ===
:'''Gary''': You know, kid. You’ve got a funny accents. And if you haven’t read I hate kids with funny accents.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gary''': Get away from me! SHUT UP! '''''I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!'''''
:''[The statue punches Gary. The kids gasp. Gary's face grows red and big]''
:'''Gary''': My face! It hurts!
:'''Pirate Kid''': Arr! Now look who has the funny accent!

=== DiM ===
:'''Dee Dee''': You know they're all gonna burn out eventually.
:'''Dexter''': I know...

=== Repairanoid === 
:'''Mom''': When an electrical problem arises, I call a specialist! ''[Dad appears with a helmet and tool belt]'' No, honey. Not you.

=== sdrawkcaB (Backwards) ===
:'''Dexter''': ''[wears a Reverse Belt and walks backwards]'' !skrow tI !skrow tI .elbidercni si siht ,woW .snoitca nwo ym esrever yllautca oT ''[to Robot]'' .drawrof ,hguone si taht ,toboR ,yakO .drawroF ''[starts to get angry]'' --rof ,ydaerla thgirlA ''[gasps in reverse]'' .em ylliS ''[laughs in reverse]'' .mehA ''[to normal]'' ''Forward''.
:'''Robot''': Forward. ''[sets the lever from Reverse to Forward to Red to Green]''
:'''Dexter''': ''[walks normally]'' Wow, my Reverse Belt is a success!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Reverse! ''[[falling up with activating switch]'' ''Forward!'' ''[falling down]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[gasps]'' Dee Dee?! ''[switch activates]'' !?eeD eeD ''[gasps in reverse]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': You! What do you think you're doing? Do you have any idea what trouble you have been causing? First, I lose my lunch, and then Mom is gonna kill me, and Dad is probably in the hospital, and another thing--

=== The Continuum of Cartoon Fools ===
:'''Dexter''': Ah... Now I can get some work done in peace.
:[''The screen pans over to reveal Dee Dee working on an invention'']:
:'''Dee Dee''': Hey Dexter, can you please pass the atomizer?
:'''Dexter''': Oh certainly. (He than screams in shock that Dee Dee has gotten in his lab again, and Dee Dee unwillingly screams with him. They both stop and breath very hard.)
:'''Dexter''': (Dexter began to get angry.) All right, how the heck did you get in here?! (He pushes her to a tube) Did you get in through the 2-Dimensional Facial Filter? (He presses a button and then Dee Dee started to inflate with her body over filling the tube she was in. She then turns completely flat and then is rushed down a very narrow passage way.) Yes! (Dexter then pulls out a lazer gun called the discom bobulatur and zaps the 2-Dimensional Facial Filter destroying it. Dee Dee now completely flat suddenly walks up to Dexter.)
:'''Dee Dee''': No.
:'''Dexter''': Did you get in through the secret Molecular Disconfiguration Access Port? (He tosses the flat Dee Dee inside, presses a button, and Dee Dee was absorbed into molecules and is shot out of the lab. Dexter then grabs out a lazer gun called the meltron and zaps the Molecular Disconfiguration Access Port melting it. Dee Dee in normal shape again appears next to Dexter.)
:'''Dee Dee''': No.
:'''Dexter''': A ha! You came in through the secret Sky Port. (They come into a room with a pigeon in it. The pigeon coos at them.)
:'''Dee Dee''': You're kidding?
:'''Dexter''': Cassius, emergency exit! (Cassius then grabs on to Dee Dee's pigtails and flies her out of the lab.)
:'''Cassius''': It's a living.
:'''Dexter''': (Boards up the sky port.) Phew

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:[''Dexter swallows the key to the secret bookcase entrance'']
:'''Dexter''': THERE! NOW NO ONE'S GETTING IN! ''[maniacal laugh]''
:'''Dee Dee''': Hmmm... Yep. ''No one's'' getting into Dexter's Lab now. ''[leaves]''
:''[Dexter's smile of insanity turns into a look of horror]''
:'''Dexter''':  ......Uhhh, oh my dear... In my overwhelming zeal to banish my sister from the lab, I have indeed locked myself out! Too blinded was I not to foresee the most piteous of fates. I have thus performed the ultimate tragic irony! ''[now standing in front of the 'The End' title card]'' Surely, I am the fool of fools on a par with no other. I am no better than [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wile_E._Coyote that stupid coyote] or [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daffy_Duck that crazy duck]! Look at me, ''look at me!'' I am locked in a continuum of cartoon fools! I am doomed to a life of comic mishap adventures and social indignations! And now, here I stand before you, beaten, defeated and alone...

=== Misplaced in Space ===
:'''Alien''': Gork.
:'''Dexter''': (''translating on his watch'') 'Food?' Yeah, 'food'. You ate mine, yours, and everybody else's!
:'''Alien''': Gork.
:'''Dexter''': You can't still be hungry
:'''Alien''': Gork...
:'''Dexter''': Wh...Why are you looking at me like that?
:'''Alien''': GORK!

=== Dee Dee's Rival ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Dexter! Dexter! ''[Dexter smashed his control with a hammer]'' Oh Dexter. I'm so glad you're here! I need your help! There's a new girl in dance class and she thinks she's better than me. And I want to be a star of the show and thought... 
:'''Lala Vala''': ...use your science junk to help me beat that skinny creep.
:'''Dee Dee''': I have to win, Dexter. Or else...
:'''Lala Vala''': ...I'll be forced to break your nerdy...
:'''Dee Dee''': ...face any of the kids in class again! Please! Oh please! Oh... 
:'''Mandark''': ...Oh Please don't hurt me! Please don't hurt me! I'll do it. 
:'''Dexter''': But you better keep up your end of the bargain and I'll handle the rest. 
:'''Dee Dee''': Oh thank you, Dexter. ''[kisses Dexter's nose and laughs]''

'''Lala Vala''' ''[flings Mandark's nose and laughs]''

=== Pslightly Psycho ===
:'''Dexter, Dee Dee and Dad''': Happy Mother's Day!
:'''Mom''': New Gloves!

=== Blackfoot and Slim ===
:'''Narrator''': The Concrete Jungle. Deep within its seemingly endless towers, glass, steel and mortar, life exists.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Narrator''': For someday, we shall return to check up on this wonderful creature. This wonderful world of Blackfoot.

=== Trapped With a Vengeance ===
:'''Yani:''' ''[narrating]'' My job is simple. After the designated hours of education, the children exit to return home, while I clean, sweep and prepare their environment for the next day of education in sterile surroundings. For I am Yani the janitor. It is an uncomplicated job that leaves me much time after to spend with my beloved wife, but one children continues to complicate situation and torture. Night after night, he stays much time past designated hours, and when he decides to go he leaves a residue of filth that prolongs me for my beloved for several more hours. And when I return home, my love is taking a slumber and waking her would be catastrophical. So I wait and I plan, until the day that he will be to exit quickly for something important, for then I will have him... TRAPPED WITH A VENGEANCE!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Yani:''' Yello, Dexter. 
:'''Dexter:''' What're ya, crazy or somethin'?!

=== The Parrot Trap ===
:'''Dexter's Parrot:''' (in Dee Dee's voice) Dexter's a cookie!
:'''Dexter:''' (angrily) I am not a cookie!
:'''Dexter's Parrot:''' Dexter's a cookie!
:'''Dexter:''' Am not!
:'''Dexter's Parrot:''' Are too, cookie! (''Dexter violently shakes the stick the parrot is on, and it switches into Dexter's voice'') I'm gonna bop you one, girl! (''Dexter slams the parrot onto his desk, and it segues back into Dee Dee's voice) COOKIE! (Dexter repeatedly slams the parrot onto the table, until it is later seen beaten nearly into submission, and is flying away)
:'''Dexter:''' Good riddance! That has to be my worst invention yet!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Dexter's Dad:''' Who's trying to sneak up on me?
:'''Parrot:''' Dexter, boy genius. Dexter the cookie!
:'''Dexter's Dad:''' Shhhh I'm trying to watch my show!
:'''Parrot:''' I'm gonna bop you!
:'''Dexter's Dad:''' That is no way to talk to you-
:'''Parrot:''' You are a stupid girl! Get out get out get out! Yup yup yup! Don't touch anything!
:''(Dexter's Dad crawls away in fear)''
:'''Dexter's Dad:''' I-I-I-I-I'm sorry
:'''Dexter's Parrot:''' (in Dee Dee's voice) You're a cookie! (in Dexter's voice) Get out get out get out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Dexter's Mom:''' Alright, let's see. I'll need two eggs...
:''(Dexter's Mom cracks open two eggs and places them into the cooking bowl beside her)''
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' One stick of butter...
:''(Takes a stick of butter placed near her and places it into the cooking bowl)''
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' A half a cup of sugar...
:''(Dexter's Mom walks over to the left side of the kitchen counter where several containers lay as well as Dexter's Parrot. Mom takes some sugar and places it into the cooking bowl)''
:''(Dexter's Mom walks over to a spice rack inside the kitchen where various spices are seen as well as Dexter's Parrot from out of nowhere)''
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' A pinch of cinnamon.
:'''Parrot:''' A cup of cinnamon.
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' A cup of cinnamon.
:'''Parrot:''' A quart of pepper.
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' A quart of pepper.
:'''Parrot:''' A box of olives.
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' A box of peppers.
:'''Parrot:''' Yup, yup, yup!
:''(Dexter's Mom opens the refrigerator door inside the kitchen where the Parrot is seen inside once again)''
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' A block of cheese.
:'''Parrot:''' A block of cheese.
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' A gallon of milk.
:'''Parrot:''' A gallon of milk.
:''(Dexter's Mom takes the Parrot out of the refridgerator)''
:'''Parrot:''' Are you sneaking up on me?!?
:''(Mom back at the kitchen counter using the Parrot as a coffee boiler and pouring it into the bowl)''
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' A cup of coffee.
:'''Parrot:''' A cup of coffee.
:''(Mom settles the Parrot back down on the counter)'' 
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' Beans! 
:'''Parrot:''' Beans!
:''(Cookies fly out of the bowl suddenly)''
:'''Parrot:''' Cooooooooookies!
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' Cooooooooookies!
:'''Parrot:''' Worms and plastic minnows.
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' Now wait just a minute here! ...... Where am I gonna get worms and plastic minnows?
:'''Parrot:''' The Florida Everglades!
:''(Mom is seen immediately backing the car out of the house's driveway and driving away'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:''(Dexter has smashed the parrot to keep it from revealing his lab)''
:'''Dexter's Dad:''' Dexter!
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' How many times have I told you not to throw the bird?
:'''Dexter:''' But Mom, it's not a *real* bird. I built it in my secret laboratory.
:''(Dexter, realizing he just blabbed what the parrot didn't, claps his mouth shut)''
:'''Dee Dee:''' Smooth move, Dexter. Now you'll have to erase Mom and Dad's memories...again!
:'''Parrot:''' Smooth move, Dexter. Smooth move, Dexter. Smooth move, Dexter.

=== Dexter and Computress Get Mandark! ===
:'''Dexter''': You are stupid! You are stupid! And don't forget, you are stupid!

=== Dexter vs Santa's Claws ===
:'''Dad''': Dexter, what do you have to say for yourself?
:'''Dexter''': Well, I'm sorry I ruined Christmas. Again. But, isn't Christmas really about the family, and the love and the sharing and... Oh, Christmas tree! Oh, Christmas tree!
:'''Dee Dee''': You blockhead! That's not what Christmas is about!
:'''Dexter''':It's not? Then what is it about?
:'''Santa Claus''': The presents. Ho ho ho!

=== Dyno-Might === 
:'''Dynomutt''': Oooooh, what does this button do?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dad''': Nice uniform. You on some kind of sports team?
:'''Blue Falcon''': I'm the Blue Falcon.
:'''Dad''': Oh, yeah, the Falcons! You guys didn't do so well last season.
:'''Blue Falcon''': I'm the Blue Falcon!
:'''Dad''': Aww, don't be blue!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Blue Falcon''': I don't understand! This isn't like my old Dynomutt at all!
:'''Dexter''': Well... He's not, I built you an all-new one.
:'''Blue Falcon''': What? Why?
:'''Dexter''': Well, the old one was just a goofy idiot sidekick.
:'''Blue Falcon''': He wasn't JUST a goofy idiot sidekick! He was a....go-go dog person! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Blue Falcon''': Remember, Dexter: It's a goofy idiot sidekick that makes a superhero SUPER.

=== LABretto ===
:'''Dad''': ''[Singing]'' My goodness, my gracious, when will this day be done? Will I have a girl or will I have a son?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[singing sadly as the spotlight shines on him]'' This is not fantasy. This is reality. I'm stuck for my life! I'm stuck and I'll be stuck forever! With...my sister... ''[Yelling]'' DEE DEE!

=== Last But Not Beast ===
:'''Dad''': Secret laboratory? Now, Dexter, we need to straight a few things up with this secret laboratory business!

==Film==
=== [[w:Dexter's Laboratory: Ego Trip|Dexter's Laboratory: Ego Trip]] ===

:''[The Mandarks rally to stop the Dexters from getting the Neurotomic Proto-Core]''
:'''Young Mandark''': NOOO! I've always wanted the Core!
:'''Adult Mandark''': NOOO! I stole the Core!
:'''Overlord Mandark''': NOOO! The Core is mine!
:'''Mandark's Brain''': NOOO! Just because I'm bitter and jealous!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Old Man Dexter''': ''[thundering voice from inside a tower]'' WHOO DARES TO DISTURB THE GREAT DEXTER WHILE HE DROPS SCIENCE UPON THE WORLD?
:'''Dexter''': We are the Dexters of the past. We have come from the past to try to reach your all-knowing presence!
:'''Old Man Dexter''': PRESENTS? I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY? I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Old Man Dexter''': I remember! I REMEMBER! Dee Dee was the one who saved the future!
:'''Dexter''': What? No way!
:'''Adult Dexter''': That didn't just happen!
:'''Muscular Dexter''': I wanted to be the one who saved the future!
:'''Old Man Dexter''': Argh! That girl!
:''[The Dexters start building robots.]''
:'''Dexter''': I'll teach her to mess up my future savings.
:'''Adult Dexter''': Yeah, we'll show her!
:'''Muscular Dexter''': Ooh, that little ding dong!
:'''Old Man Dexter''': We'll get her once and for all!
:''[The Dexters finish building robots.]''
:'''Dexter''': Robots! Destroy the one who saved the future! ''[The robots walk towards the time machine.]'' Well. Huh. That should take care of Dee Dee. It looks like the future is back on track.
:'''Muscular Dexter''': I've got a lot of cleaning up to do but with a positive flow of the core everything should work out fine.
:'''Dexter''': Well then, we should be getting back to our own times. Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Muscular Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Old Man Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Adult Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Muscular Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Old Man Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Adult Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Muscular Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Adult Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Old Man Dexter''': Goodbye, Billy.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Boy, that wasn't exactly what I expected, but I did turn out pretty cool in the future. ''[sees himself fighting the robots and is surprised]'' Wait a minute, I'm still here fighting those robots. ''[breaks the fourth wall]'' But wait, those are the robots I just built to get Dee Dee while we're building the future. But now I'm about to destroy them before I even decide to go into the future. So, that means when I came back, I came back too far. Back before I ever left. So I must have come... No I... Or they were... Oh, forget it. Time travel hurts my brain.

==Season 3==
===Streaky Clean===

:'''Dexter''': [singing] Making the science, la la, la, making the science- [He grabs a test tube and it accidentally flies upwards.] Oopsy. [It falls on the table, splattering on his shirt.] Oh, would you look at that? How could I concentrate to the full capacity of my genius covered in such a filth? [He walks away] Blech!

(Dexter, now in his room, is undressing himself and replaces his messy lab coat, gloves and shoes with new, clean ones from his closet. After redressing, he jumps triumphantly.)

:'''Dexter''': [He walks back to his work area.] Now, back to the business. [He begins mixing his substance again.] Yes, yes! [He mixes more vigorously] This will be my greatest experiment ever! [He proudly holds his arm up, not realizing his beaker is about to fall over, which it does, making the same mess. Dexter holds his lab coat by wear the spill is.] Oh, for the sake of Pete...

(Dexter returns to his room to change again.)

:'''Dexter''': [Again, he walks back to his work area.] Okay now, here we a-go! [He slowly rises up to his work area. He carefully grabs his beaker.] Carefully, ''carefully.'' [He holds up a test tube and begins to pour another substance into the beaker.] Yes, that is it. Perfect, ''perfect!'' [A drop splashes Dexter's lab coat.] Oh HECK this is turning out to be!

(Dexter, once again, returns to his room to throw away another lab coat. He goes over to his closet to get another one. To his surprise, there are none left.)

:'''Dexter''': Hmm...'''MOM...!!!!'''

(A breeze blows through Dexter's bedroom window, causing him to shiver)

:'''Dexter''': What is taking her so long?

:'''Dexter''': (Dexter pokes his head out his door) Hey, mom! Shake a leg or something! [his mom arrives and opens the door but he doesn't notice] Mom! Mom! [he finally notices her and covers himself in embarrassment] HEY! [runs back in his room]

:'''Mom''': (Chuckles) Oh, come on out, Shy Boy. Here's your little play clothes all fresh and clean. But I just can't understand how you manage to stain your little outfit so quickly.

:'''Dexter''': Yeah, yeah, mom. It's a real enigma. [grabs his lab coat] Now, if you'll excuse me, I have much work to be doing. [takes his lab coat and gloves with him and closes the door]

:'''Dad''': The boy's right, dear. [puts his hands on his wife's hips] There is much work to be doing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
(Dexter streaks through the meadow)

:'''Dexter''': Oh boy, that was a close one. I just have to get to Ruthy's Field, and I will be home free! Home...

(Dexter streaks past a hippie couple sitting on a rock who smile as they watch him pass by, thinking he's celebrating the freedom of his nakedness)

:'''Dexter''': '''FREEEEEEEEEEE!!!!'''

:'''Male Hippie''': Right on, brother!

=== Mind Over Chatter ===
:'''Dexter''': ''[in his mind]'' Yuck! Mom's oatmeal! Tastes like barf!
:'''Mom''' ''[gasps]'' Dexter! Don't be rude!
:'''Dexter''': ''[confused]'' Huh?
:'''Dexter''': ''[in his mind while watching Dee Dee scarfing down her oatmeal]'' That sister of mine! What a ferocious pig!
:'''Dee Dee''': Hey! I'm no pig!
:'''Mom''' : That is enough Dexter! Time for school.
:'''Dexter''': But wait Dad, what-
:'''Dad''': The answer is no! Now get!
:'''Dexter''': ''[in his mind]'' Dad, what a stubborn poopoo doody head!
:'''Dad''': I heard that!
:'''Mom''': And we are going to have a serious talk about your potty mouth when you get home from school today!

=== Momdark ===
:'''Mom''': Huh, what did he mean when he said, &quot;your lab&quot;, Dexter?
:'''Dexter''': I don't know.

=== A Mom Cartoon ===
:'''Mom''': Oh Dad will just love this!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Shop Announcer''': Attention shoppers, we have a red light sale on aisle 8 on... latex gloves!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mom''': Would you look at that, the very last pair! Must be my lucky day!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Shop Announcer''': Attention shoppers,...

=== A Third Dad Cartoon ===
:'''Dad''': Aw well, I guess we'll have to try again next week.

==Season 4==
=== Beau Tie ===
:'''Beau''': I've always loved science.

=== Dexter's Library ===
:'''Dexter''': Ah, the sweet and silent solitude of the school library.
:'''Boy''': Oh yeah, we're so prepared for this. This is going to be a great game, we're going to kicky Booty.
:'''Girl''': Our new cheers are so awesome. Wait until you see them, you're not gonna believe it!
:'''Dexter''': Ahem! ''[puts the piece of paper that says &quot;No talking in the Library!!!&quot; in the book on the table]'' ''[takes the book from the boy]'' No book for you, ''[takes the other book from the girl]'' and no book for you!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[stops the boy trying to eat an apple]'' No, uh-uh. You know the rules. No food or drink in the library. ''[takes the book from him]'' No book for you!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[takes the book that is stepped on by a girl trying to reach the other book, she falls down]'' Mis-using school property, you know better than that. No book for you!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Ah, here we are. 701.328. ''[gasps]'' Hello! What is this?! &quot;Green Bacon and Eggs&quot;! What is a children's book doing in coelacanth paleobiology? ''[gets enraged]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Miss Salinger, Miss Salinger.
:'''Salinger''': Yes, what is it, Dexter?
:'''Dexter''': I have found an inappropriately placed piece of fiction.
:'''Salinger''': Really? Well, be a dear and place it in its proper home.
:'''Dexter''': ''[drops the book]'' Ahh. Library patrons speaking at unacceptable volumes, eating snacks, abusing school property, and now ''this''. Ahh, it is all very disappointing. ''[breaks the fourth wall]'' You know, I like Miss Salinger and all, but if this were my library, such behavior within these hallowed shelves would not be tolerated.
:'''Salinger''': Oh, my, look at the time. Dexter, I have to be at a staff meeting. I need you to keep an eye on things for one hour.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Finally, a school library dedicated to the pure appreciation of the English language. Dexter, you have done it again. Next! ''[a girl arrives with a book in her hand]'' Sarah Goldfarm. Another early return, I see. ''[Sarah gives the book to him]'' Ha ha ha! &quot;Stranger Rick&quot;: August 2001. A solid subject matter, ''[drops the book]'' but a little sophomoric for second grade. Would you not agree? ''[Robot burns the book]'' Robot, please retrieve some less frivolous reading for Miss Goldfarm? Perhaps something from coealacanth paleobiology, a personal favorite subject of mine.
:'''Robot''': ''[goes in search of a book in a library cabinet and returns to Dexter]'' Cannot confirm target.
:'''Dexter''': &quot;Cannot confirm target&quot;? You illiterate Android! ''[slaps the robot]'' Must I spell everything out for you recycled soup cans? ''[writes the piece of paper and puts it on the Robot's head]'' Well! ''[The Robot goes in search of a book again]'' ''[whistles]'' Heh heh heh!
:'''Robot''': ''[returns to Dexter]'' System error. Cannot confirm target.
:'''Dexter''': ''[gets angry]'' Arrrr! ''[punches the Robot's head]'' WHY MUST I DO EVERYTHING MYSELF?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[grumbles as he climbs the stairs in the librarian cabinet]'' ...stupid-looking robots. There. &quot;Coealacanth Paleonbiology&quot;. Now, how difficult was that? ''[opens his eyes and is surprised]'' &quot;GREEN BACON AND EGGS&quot;?!!! BUT I DO NOT LIKE &quot;GREEN BACON AND EGGS&quot;!!! There is not a walnut brained ape among you who is worthy to share my world-class collection of written history!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Salinger''': Dexter, I am very disappointed in you. I leave you in charge of the library for one hour, and look what you do. Just look at this mess.
:'''Dexter''': But-- but-- I... they...
:'''Salinger''': I'm giving you the maximum library penalty.
:'''Dexter''': ''[gasps]'' No! Not that! Please, Miss Salinger. No!
:'''Salinger''': That's right. You can only check out 4 books a week, instead of 5.
:'''Dexter''': ''[sobs]'' It's not very nice of you. NOOOOOOOOO!
:'''Crowd''': Shhh!

=== 2Geniuses 2Gether 4Ever ===
:'''Dexter''': Ah, all done.
:'''Mandark''': It's about time. Well, let's see what we've got. ''[takes off the blindfold]'' Ah! At last, my darkest creation is completed!
:'''Dexter''': ''[gives the remote control to Mandark]'' After you.
:'''Mandark''': May I? ''[grabs the remote control]'' With a push of this button, I, Mandark, will unleash a mind-bending transmission which will put the entire universe under my control. And that means you, too, Dorkster. I have double-crossed you once again. And now it will all be mine! ''[laughs]'' Ha!
:''[Mandark tries pressing the button over and over, and Dexter plugs the power cord into an electrical outlet, and the invention explodes by displaying the title of the television series as a reference to the intro]''
:'''Dexter''': Ha! Well, well, well, Mandark, who double-crossed whom?
:'''Mandark''': This was supposed to be mine, Dexter! All mine, not yours! Mine!
:'''Dexter''': Well, like I always say: if you can't play with the big dogs, stay on the porch. Ha ha! ''[The &quot;The End&quot; logo in white appears on the screen]'' Hey! What is going on? I am trying to wax poetic here.

=== Folly Calls ===
:'''Dexter''': ''[sees Dee Dee's hair cut off and laughs insanely]'' OH, YOU'RE KILLING ME! ''[laughing and snorting]''
:'''Dee Dee''': So?
:'''Dexter''': Now, Dee Dee. We have been through this scenario so many times before, and you know that I am helpless to assist you for one simple and very basic reason: you are STUPID!
:'''Dee Dee''': Oh, please, Dexter. Please! Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please! Oh, please, Dexter! Use your vast and unlimited knowledge of science to help me get my hair back! ''Pretty please.''
:'''Dexter''': Well, no.
:'''Dee Dee''': Alright, Dexter, but remember... ''[grows bigger]'' ''I am your big sister!'' ''[grows some more]'' ''AND I WILL CRUSH YOU LIKE A BUG...'' ''[grows again]'' '''''...IF YOU DON'T DO AS I SAY!'''''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Now, Dee Dee, pay attention. You are only to apply one drop of this stuff. Do you understand? One drop, not 2 drops, not 3 drops, not 75 drops. JUST ONE DROP! GOT IT?!
:'''Dee Dee''': Yeah. Of course I got it, Dexter. Just one drop. ''[sings and leaves the lab]'' One drop, one drop, one drop, one drop...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Dee Dee screams while running entering the lab]''
:'''Dexter''': Let me guess. You used more than one drop.
:'''Dee Dee''': It was too one drop, Dexter! Just a really, really ''big'' one drop!
:'''Dexter''': Hmm...

=== Comic Stripper ===
:'''Dexter''': You did it all wrong, Mandark. I figured out you were copying &quot;Mister Misery&quot; all along, so I played your own game against you. ''[Mandark pretends to be yawning]'' And then you have the nerve ''[throws the &quot;Mister Misery&quot; comic]'' not to even follow the dumb story! Oh, and one other thing... WHAT IS WITH ALL THIS STUPID QUACKING?!
:'''Mandark''': Well, you see, Dexter. I went to buy &quot;Mister Misery&quot; but the store was all sold out. So I picked up a copy of &quot;Dangerous Duck&quot; instead.
:'''Dexter''': And do you know why &quot;Mister Misery&quot; was all sold out? Because ''I'' bought them all.
:'''Mandark''': Hmm. Well, then. If you bought them all, ''how did you expect me to know all &quot;Mister Misery&quot;'s new fight moves then?!'' ''[Dexter is upset and a donkey appears]'' QUACK. ''[teases Dexter and walks away]''

=== Chicken Scratch ===
:'''Dexter''': (Screams in shock) What are the strange protrusions? I must investigate immediately. ''[ Dee Dee arrives while singing]'' Uh-oh.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': OK, Dee Dee, way too much has happened this morning so, please, GET OUT OF MY LABORATORY!!! ''[closes the door]'' I have no time for her foolishness today.
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[opens the door]'' But, Dexter, I'm not in your labor... [She stops and looks at Dexter] YOU'VE GOT CHICKENPOX!
:'''Dexter''': Chickenpox? What is this pox of the chicken?
:'''Dee Dee''': Poor Dexter, so knowledgeable in science but doesn't have enough common sense to know what chickenpox is. Well, a long time ago, a group of evil, contaminated chickens escaped from jail, and started to break into children's houses where they picked away, giving huge, itchy pimples. And if you stratch them, you turn into an evil, contaminated chicken!
:'''Dexter''': Are you crazy, woman? I've teach you les--! ''[scratches]''
:'''Dee Dee''': Bagock.
:'''Dexter''': (Screams in fear) I do not want to be an evil, contaminated chicken.
:'''Dee Dee ''': Then, DON'T SCRATCH! ''[leaves Dexter's room]''
:'''Dexter''': That seems simple enough. ''[scratches and stops]'' I'd better keep myself busy so as not to think about the itching.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Perfect. ''[thinking while scratching]'' Now, how much dioxide detrolium should I add? Hmm... what is the correct amount? ''[stops thinking and scratching and laughs]'' Silly me! ''[scratches again]'' Avoiding scratching this whole time? ''[freaks out]'' ROBOT! More drastic measures must be taken.
:'''Robot''': Yes, Dexter?
:'''Dexter''': Robot, if you see me scratching a part of my body, I want you to zap me with 100 watts of electrons.
:'''Robot''': Yes, Dexter. ''[zaps Dexter]''
:'''Dexter''': I wasn't ready, Robot.
:'''Robot''': Yes, Dexter. ''[zaps Dexter again]''
:'''Dexter''': I said I wasn't ready.
:'''Robot''': Yes, boy.
:'''Dexter''': No, Robot, wait! ''[Robot zaps him again]'' This is not working. ''[Robot zaps him again]'' STOP, ROBOT!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': A new invention must be created.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[after creating his invention]'' Success!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[destroys the straps after failing to hold back the itching]'' GOTTA SCRATCH!!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': Hello! [She stops and looks at Dexter] [Dee Dee screamed and ducks under her bed] [She peeks out] Dexter, is that you?
:'''Dexter''': ''[turns to Dexter who is now turned into a chicken]'' Yep, I scratched.

== Lost Episode ==
=== Rude Removal ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Oooh! Dexter's got gas!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Rude Dexter''': Where the f'ck are we?
:'''Rude Dee Dee''': Beats the cr'p out of me!
:'''Dexter''': (With a British accent) Why, you're in Dexter's Laboratory, silly. I'm Dexter, and this golden-haired angel behind me is my charming sister, Dee Dee.
:'''Dee Dee''': (With a British accent) Charmed!
:'''Rude Dexter''': Ah, f'ck off!
:'''Dexter and Dee Dee''': ''[gasp]'' Oh dear!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mom''': I hope you're hungry, 'cause I made a ''[trips over Rude Dexter]'' very... SPECIAL LUNCH THAT I GOT FROM A RECIPE THAT I... FOUND IN A BESSIE CRACKER MAGAZINE! ''[pants]'' I hope you like it.
:'''Mom''': ''[dizzy]'' Well, what do you think, Dexter?
:'''Rude Dexter''': ''[mouth full]'' I think it tastes like sh't! ''[spits at Mom]''
:'''Mom''': ''[faints]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mom''': ''[angry]'' Dexter! No, absolutely not! You cannot have any dessert!
:'''Rude Dexter''': Why? You want it all to yourself?
:'''Mom''': ''[gasps, then faints]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mom''': Now to clean those filthy mouths.
:'''Dexter''': ''[to the audience]'' Oh, sh't!

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0115157|title=Dexter's Laboratory}}

[[Category:1990s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Anime-influenced Western animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated science fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:Elementary school TV shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:TV shows revived after cancellation]]
[[Category:Cartoon Network original series]]
[[Category:Cartoon Network Studios]]
[[Category:Teletoon Retro shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about children]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about families]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about siblings]]
[[Category:Television series by Hanna-Barbera]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3147676</id>
      <parentid>3147674</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T19:40:59Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
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      <text bytes="63537" xml:space="preserve">Episodes

== Season 1 ==
=== Dimwit Dexter ===
*'''Factory Worker #1''': Sir, he can't make much long!
*'''Factory Worker #2''': Just a little longer.
*'''Factory Worker #3''': His sim asses are firing in arming incredibly rage.
*'''Factory Worker #4''': Puncher rising!
*'''Factory Worker #5''': She can't take it!
*'''Factory Worker #6''': She's gonna blow!
*''[Angrily, Dexter's face turns red, and Dexter begins to let out a loud yell with rage]''
*'''Factory Worker #7''': RUN!!! (The factory workers flee and run away)
*''[Cut to the outside of Dexter's Lab, Dexter explodes his clothes off and causes fires in his lab]''
*''[The same explosion, the brain factory explodes]''
*''[After the explosion, Dexter was seen naked and filled with rage]''
*'''Factory Worker #8''': Shut it down.
*''[The factory workers shut down the emotion factory]''
*''[After the emotion factory shuts down, Dexter is seen naked and emotionless]''
*'''Factory Worker #9''': He said all the systems have shut down.
*'''Neighbor Boy''': Hey, everyone! Dexter's running around in his underpants! (echoing) Underpants! Underpants! Underpants!
*''[As Dexter fills himself to maximum capacity with a water nose,he sprays water everywhere]''

=== Dee Deemensional ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Oh Dexter! Dexter! Dexter! Come quick! You have to help! It's terrible! You sent me and you're all gross and-
:'''Dexter''': ''[Annoyed]'' This better be important, woman. You are interrupting my very delicate calculations.
:'''Dee Dee''': I have a message for you from the future.
:'''Dexter''': ''[Taps his index finger on the table]'' From the future, huh?
:'''Dee Dee''': Yes. You sent me back in time to-
:'''Dexter''': Stop! If there was a message so important that it would require time travel, I would certainly not entrust it to my ''idiot'' sister. I would send myself. In other words...''[Shouting]'' I would not send you back in time even if..! If..if...''[Shouting]'' I was being eaten alive!
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[Sobbing]'' Oh Dexter! Why are you being so terrible?!
:'''Dexter''': Please...I have no time for your tears. Why don't you go back outside and talk to trees or whatever it is you do?
:'''Dee Dee''': Fine! I will! And I'm not ever giving you the message! ''[Runs out of the lab, crying]''
:'''Dexter''': ''[Shrugs it off and continues work]'' Fine with me.

=== Dial M for Monkey: Magmanamus ===

=== Maternal Combat ===
:[''Dad happily returns home to find two smoking robots and the shifty looking kids'']
:'''Dad''': Hello honey! Hello Dexter! Hello Dee Dee! Hello honey! (''heads upstairs'') Hello honey!

=== Dexter Dodgeball ===
:'''Dexter''': ''[Hands his excuse note to the &quot;Coach&quot; and happly walks away]'' If you need me, I'll be in the Science Lab.
:'''Substitute Coach''': What is this crap?
:'''Dexter''': ''[Turns around in shock]'' Who are you?
:'''Substitute Coach''': I'm your Substitute Coach.
:'''Dexter''': But, But, But...
:'''Substitute Coach''': '''QUIET!'''
:'''Dexter''':...But My Excuse!
:'''Substitute Coach''': ''[Rips the excuse letter in half]'' What Excuse?! Now! Suit up! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': You're out!

=== Dial M for Monkey: Rasslor ===
:'''Rasslor''': Welcome heroes of Earth!! You have been chosen to receive the most glorious of gifts! The opportunity to face me, the great Rasslor, in a contest of strength and skill! For Aeons, I have scoured the cosmos searching for the one adversary who could provide me with suitable sport! Although, I have yet to find such a noble soul. Each creature, each race, more pitiful than the last. So I spare them the disgrace of their weakness by destroying their worlds! And now my quest has brought me to this timid little planet you call Earth. So, terrestrial heroes, can one of you quench my thirst for the divine conflict, the supreme struggle?! Or will your planet be doomed to the same fate that has befallen so many?
:''[The heroes stare at him, confused]''
:'''Heroes''': ...What?
:'''Rasslor''': Fight me or I destroy the Earth! Now let the games begin!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rasslor''': Incredible. I could crush your body, I could smash your bones, but I could never break your spirit. You are a marvel little monkey. Any world that could spawn one as noble as you is truly blessed. I SPARE YOUR EARTH!!!

=== Dexter's Assistant ===
:'''Dexter''': Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[sweetly]'' Assistant?
:'''Dee Dee''': Yes?
:'''Dexter''': Would you please assist me by...SHUTTING UP!?

=== Dexter's Rival ===
:'''Mandark''': Yes, Dexter, I ''can'' read your thoughts, and I ''am'' smarter than you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mandark''': Welcome to my laboratory! (Echoing) Laboratory! Laboratory!

=== Jurassic Pooch ===
:'''Dexter''': ''[to the audience]'' Anybody want to buy a dinosaur? ''[episode ends]''

=== Dee Dee's Room ===
:'''Dexter''': Why am I breathing so hard?

=== Star Spangled Sidekicks ===
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[laughs at Dexter's speech for wanting to be Major Glory's sidekick]''
:'''Dexter''': And what is so humorous about that? ''[Dee Dee continues laughing]'' Dee Dee stop this laughing this instant!
:'''Dee Dee''': Okay, okay Dexter, don't get your underwear into a wrinkle. Look...You're my brother and all so I'll be honest with ya...''[amused]'' You've gotta be kidding me! ''[seriously]'' You don't got what takes. Just look at ya...''[measures Dexter]'' You're two foot nothing. ''[camera zooms on Dexter's glasses]'' You can barely see ''[puts her arm around Dexter's shoulder]'' and besides everything...You're a dork! ''[smiles]''
:'''Dexter''': ''[yells in frustration]'' 
:'''Dexter''': And I suppose you have what it takes to be a superhero's sidekick?
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[shrugs]'' Of course. I have style, pizzazz, and I can punch and kick some. You know. ''[Dexter opens his mouth to talk]'' Yes?
:'''Dexter''': ''[drops it]'' Forget it. ''[walks upstairs]'' There's nothing to be said. I will be Major Glory's sidekick and you will not.
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[shouts upstairs]'' That's what you think Dexter!
:'''Dexter''': No, Dee Dee! That's what I know.

=== Game Over ===
:'''Dexter''': 'Master Computer?' Wow dad, thanks, a video game... An OLD video game...
:'''Dad''': Well, I know how much you like gadgets and stuff, Dexter, but what you've got there is more than just a video game: It's a bargain! Got it for a nickel from a gypsy!

=== Babysitter Blues ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Hello!
:'''Dexter''': Dee Dee, get off the phone!
:'''Dee Dee''': Okay, but I'm still trying to find whatever it was I was looking for.
:'''Dexter''': Great, okay, bye.
:'''Dee Dee''': Bye!
:'''Dexter''': Bye.
:'''Dee Dee''': Bye!
:'''Dexter''': BYE!

:'''Dexter''': (''sounds like Lisa's boyfriend on her end of the phone'') Oh, I guess we just got cut off. But I wanted to call you back and tell you that you have got cooties and I am love with....with...my football. Bye.

=== Dream Machine ===
:'''Dexter''': Well, if you are the grandfather of all knowledge, that means it's...'''I'M IN A NIGHTMARE!!!!

=== The Big Cheese ===
:'''Dexter''': Omelette du fromage.

=== Way of the Dee Dee ===
:'''Dexter''': (enraged at Dee Dee) '''WHY DO YOU DO THIS?! YOU ARE SO STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! '''Oh, and let's not forget...'''''YOU'RE SO STUPID!'''''
:'''Dee Dee''': Ow! (Rubs her face) Oh yeah!? Well just because I know how to have fun doesn't mean I'm stupid! I may not know all that scientifical makna logical stuff, but I know how to climb a tree, and I know how to pet a kitty just right. And I know how to tie my own shoes Mr zipper boot!... Actually, I feel sorry for you, Dexter. You're like a pickle - sour, and all bottled up in your laboratory. Toiling away alone in the dark, searching for answers to questions nobody asked. Locked away from the world, never to experience the ''true'' mysteries of life. Well, you can keep your cold, sterile little lab, because for me, the world is my laboratory! Goodbye, Dexter. I shan't impose on you ever again.
:''[She leaves the lab; after a moment of silent contemplation, Dexter rushes out after her]''
:'''Dexter''': DEE DEE! ''[sadly]'' Everything you said was true! I don't want to be a pickle! But I need your help. Show me the way to be free, show me the way of the Dee Dee!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': Discard those ravlings which tie you to the lab. ''[Dexter looks down at his clothes]'' There must be a stripping of the old, before you start anew. ''[The next shot shows Dexter in just his underwear and gloves, in a nervous &quot;Ta-Da!&quot; pose]'' AND the gloves. ''[He reluctantly pulls them off]'' Now step into the light.
:'''Dexter''': But, I don't have any sunscreen.
:'''Dee Dee''': Do not fear, little one. The first step is always the hardest.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[slaps Dexter]'' Stop it, Dexter! Look at yourself! You're a MONSTER! No longer a quiet creator but a mad destroyer! ''[sobs]'' I'm so sorry! I shouldn't have pushed you! I know now it wasn't my place to try to change you! Oh Dexter, please forgive me. [Dexter reaches his hand out to Dee Dee. She then leaves the lab]'' OH, WHAT HAVE I DONE?! ''[still sobbing]''

=== Say Uncle Sam ===
:'''Major Glory''': Now we are going to over this again and again and again untill we get it right! Comprende?
:''[Valhallen and Crunk glare at Major Glory angrily]''
:'''Major Glory''': ''[Nervously]'' Perhaps I've pushed you too hard

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Major Glory''': Uncle Sam! What happened to you?!
:'''Uncle Sam''': Doctor's orders, nephew. Told me I was too high strung. Told me to loosen up. And I feel great.

=== Monstory ===
:'''Dexter''': This isn't one of your stupid knock-knock jokes, is it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[as a spider-like monster]'' Dexter! I see you!
:'''Dexter''': ''[drinks a vat of chemical waste nearby and confronts Dee Dee as a Godzilla-like monster]'' This ends now!
:'''Dee Dee''': But I'm not finished!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Dee Dee defeats Dexter after they fight as giant monsters]''
:'''Dee Dee''': NOW you'll listen! So the boy told the girl in the park on the pony... &quot;Knock-knock!&quot;
:'''Dexter''': NOOOOOO!!!!

== Season 2 ==
=== Beard to Be Feared ===
:'''Dee Dee''': That is one rugged brother...
:'''Mee-Mee and Lee-Lee''': Shut your mouth!
:'''Dee Dee''': I'm only talkin' 'bout Dexter.
:'''Mee-Mee and Lee-Lee''': We can dig it.

=== Ant Pants ===
:'''Dexter''': Ants are...
:'''Dee Dee''': Icky!
:'''Dexter''': To be respected.
:'''Dee Dee''': Icky!
:'''Dexter''': To be respected.
:'''Dee Dee''': Icky!
:'''Dexter''': To be respected.

=== Chubby Cheese ===
:'''Evil Commander''': We will meet again, little man.
:'''Pedro The Mouse''': Yes!

=== That Crazy Robot ===
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mom''': (To Dee Dee) Dee Dee, you've got to go to school.
:'''Dee Dee''': (To the robot) School schmool. I want to stay home and play with you!
:'''Robot''': I'll come to school with you.
:'''Dee Dee''': Silly robot! School is for kids.
:'''Robot''': Please? I'll polish your pencils, carry your books, eat your sandwich, yum. (bites sandwich)

=== D &amp; DD ===
:'''Dee Dee:''' You can be this guy!
:'''Dexter''': What?!
:'''Valerian''': Well, it seems Hodo the furry-footed burrower has joined in our quest!
:'''Dexter''': I don't wanna be no furry-footed burrower.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter/Hodo''': I unsheath my deadly...mandolin?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dee Dee/Bachelorette''': Okay, say we're stranded alone on an island. Do you have any skills that would come in handy, bachelor number 4?
:'''Dexter/Hodo''': I'd dig holes.

=== Hamhocks and Armlocks ===
:'''Dexter''': ''[Shouting at the truck passing by]'' Hey! Who do you think you are?! King of the Road?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': What are Hamhocks?
:'''Dee Dee''': They're gross!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dad''': Earl! You can humilate me. You can destroy my property. But don't you ever close a door on a lady, especially my Wife! You and me wrestle. Be there...or be square!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dad''': Earl! You ready, Earl? Let's do this!

=== The Koos is Loose ===
:'''Koosalagoopagoop''': You know, if you turn your lips inside out, you can look like Jimmy Carter.

=== Book 'Em ===
:'''Dexter''': More learning material...? ''[gasps and looks at the library stamp]'' No stamp?! This book has been illegally checked out!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mrs L''': Oh, Dexter, how could you? Your actions have brought shame upon this library! For this you shall be punished! YOU'RE BANNED FROM THE LIBRARY '''FOREVER!''' ''[stamps Dexter's head that is written banned as he falls he saw Mrs L's face, three biting books, Dee Dee's creepy face with creepy teeth Dexter's Dad's face and the fire that resembles hell]''
:'''Dexter''': AAAAAAAAAAHH!!!
:'''Dee Dee''': Good-bye, Dexter.
:'''Dexter's Dad''': You are welcome.
:'''Dexter''': AAAAAAAAAAHH! ''[falls into the hole from the book written inferno Dante's with the pitchfork sign on it as he landed on a book chair]''
:'''Devil''': ''[slaps Dexter while he is laughing at Dexter]'' Welcome to library heck. ''[then he starts the evil laugh]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': The book must be returned. Just do it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': Hey! Librari-ann! We quit! You win!
:'''Dexter''': Traitor!
:'''Mrs L''': What? Why, Dee Dee, thank you for apprehending your loudmouth brother. I see good things in your future. ''[to Dexter, unhappily]'' And as for you, Mr. Dexter...
:'''Dexter''': ''[grumbles to himself and shakes]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[reading a story for Dee Dee and several other kids]'' And so, after Prince asked Mr. Grumpster to leave nicely, everyone in Snuggleville gave each other a warm, fuzzy hug. The end. ...Blech.

=== Shoo, Shoe Gnomes ===
* ''[After learning that Dee Dee was gonna pass out cookies to the gnomes]''
* '''Dexter''': Stupid me.

=== Lab of the Lost ===
:'''Dexter''': Look, there's R2-D2!

=== Labels ===
* ''[Later that night, Dexter guzzles down apple juice and cannot stop drinking it despite his bloated belly]''
* ''[Dexter, who has somehow gotten the &quot;Dee Dee&quot; label off, and Dee Dee are being made to clean off every single label as punishment for the mess they made]''
* '''Dexter''': I sure hope you're happy, Dee Dee, considering this is all your fault.
* '''Dee Dee''': No way! '''''YOU''''' started it, Dorkster! '''''YOU''''' put labels on all my dolls!
* '''Dexter''': Well, you were the one that labeled all the food!
* '''Dexter's Mom''': Honey, why is the carpet all wet here?

=== Filet of Soul ===
:'''Dad''': What can we say about our beloved Fishy?
:'''Dee Dee''': Not much, we only had him for one day.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Good night Einstein. Good night Major Glory! Good night, ghost of dead Fishy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Dee Dee! Did you see the disgusting spook-fish that almost killed me?
:'''Dee Dee''': No. I just like to run around and scream real loud!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Dee Dee! ''[Dee Dee is flushed down into the toilet bowl]'' No! Dee Dee, come back! Dee Dee, I'm ordering you to come out of this toilet!
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[her apparition appears in the shower]'' ''Dexter, help me! I am trapped in the Sewer Beyond!''
:'''Dexter''': No, you're not! I just saw you go down the toilet!
:'''Dee Dee''': ''Listen to me! There's lots of bad fishies and stuff here and they won't let me go! They won't rest until Fishy is on the other side! You've got to flush Fishy, Dexter!''
:'''Dexter''': ''[tries to reach Fishy's corpse]'' Can't reach! It's no use! My arms, they are too short!
:'''Dee Dee''': ''Come on, genius boy! Figure it out!''
:'''Dexter''': ''[grabs a toilet plunger and pulls Dee Dee out. The apparition of Dee Dee disappears from the shower and Dee Dee is freed]'' Dee Dee, flush the fish, NOW!
:''[Dee Dee tosses Fishy's corpse into the toilet bowl and flushes it down]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': Whew! I'm sure glad that's over. Huh?
:''[A tentacle extends out of the toilet bowl, grabs Dee Dee and pulls her back into the toilet]''
:'''Dexter''': LOOK OUT! EGAD!
:'''Dee Dee''': Help me! Dexter, it's pulling me back, and they're angry, Dexter, REAL ANGRY!
:'''Dexter''': ''[grabs the handle trying to pull Dee Dee free]'' Why?! We flushed the stupid fish!
:'''Dee Dee''': Its soul, Dexter! It's still in the trap! ''[the Apparition Containment Unit shakes up with a WARNING signal active in Dexter's room]'' DO SOMETHING! ''[Dexter reaches for the fishing rod and grabs it just as the toilet begins flushing her down]'' HEEEEEEEELP!!!
:''[Dexter casts his fishing rod. The line extends from the bathroom to Dexter's room, at which point the hook presses the containment unit's &quot;open&quot; button. This frees Fishy's soul and he follows the fishing line's path into the bathroom. Just as Dexter pulls Dee Dee out of the toilet, Fishy happily goes down into it and travels into the Sewer Beyond, departing into the afterlife. Dad then walks in to see the two of them sitting of the floor.]''
:'''Dad''': How many times have I told you? Early morning is daddy's special bathroom privacy time. ''[Upon the flash of lightning, he gains golden glowing eyes with slit pupils and sharp teeth and laughs maniacally]''

=== Golden Diskette ===
:'''Dexter and Prof. Hawk's fans''': You crazy girl! Look what you've done!
:'''Professor Hawk''': Not to worry boys. ''[to Dee Dee]'' Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. THANK YOU. Thank you.
:'''Dexter and Prof. Hawk's fans''': Hey! Hey! Hey! What's happening here, Professor?
:'''Professor Hawk''': Oh, now, boys, hold on. It's very simple. You see, for the past several years I focused on brain power leading my body to wither. But this young princess reminded me how important my body was, with her innocence and naivety.
:'''Dexter and Prof. Hawk's fans''': Princess?! But what about the mysterious grand prize?
:'''Professor Hawk''': Mmm-hmm. You're right. I've got it! Let's have dance contest. Whoever wins, wins the factory!

=== Snowdown ===
:'''Dexter''': I know she is my sister, a girl and the neighbourhood champ, but could you please tell Dee Dee to stop PUMMELLING ME WITH SNOWBALLS?!
:'''Dad''': Did you say...snowballs?
:'''Dexter''': Uh....Yeah....
:'''Dad''': They...called me Champ. Back when I had...the gift. (''flashes back to his childhood'') I was a natural from day one. As I grew, so did my skills. In high school, I was untouchable!
:'''High school kid''': Hey, grow up man!
:'''Dad (VO)''': They were all just jealous! Jealous of my powers! For I was a king, a force of nature, I was the ultimate snowball warrior! Then I went to college. I was never the same again! (''remembers being struck by one snowball'')
:'''Dad''': That....was the coldest winter...ever... But that's where you come in! You can help me reclaim my title!
:'''Dexter''': Why not just let Dee Dee do it?
:'''Dad''': No! Her powers are evil. Only as father and son can we truly carry on the legacy. Let the training begin!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dad''': Dexter, five words: Scoop, roll, throw, hit, duck!

=== Mock 5 ===
:'''Dad''': The first thing any racer needs is a car! All the best racers drive cars it's how they go but cars don't grow on trees! Except this one 'cos it's made of wood. Behold, the Mock 5!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mandark''': It's Racer D! The most beautiful racer in the world! Racer D.... ''[crashes his kart]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dad''': I can't look, did he crash? No! No, he did just the opposite, he won! Winning is the part I enjoy most about racing especially when the winner is my son! Congratulations Dexter, you've made me very proud.
:'''Dexter''': Thanks, Dad.
:'''Dad''': If only your.... ''[sniffling]'' older sister Dee Dee were here to see this...
:'''Dee Dee''': I'm right here, Dad!
:'''Dad''': Oh, Dee Dee..! Dee Dee, where have you been all these years?!
:'''Dee Dee''': Right behind you.
:'''Dad''': Oh, you know I never look back there, ha-ha!
'''Dexter''': Huh?! No, Monkey! That's not candy! That's boiling lava!

=== Ewww That's Growth ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Hey Dexter, looks like we're next. Dexter?!
:'''Dexter''': Oh boy! Oh boy! We're next!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': I'm on top of the WORLD!!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': This is the greatest day of my entire life! ''[his head gets hit by the top edge of the roller coaster's tunnel]''

=== A Hard Day's Day ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Mom! Dexter's mooning me!

=== Road Rash ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Can't catch me!

=== The Justice Friends: Things That Go Bonk in the Night ===
:'''Major Glory''': You want a piece of me, junior?!
:'''Puppet Pal Mitch''': Oh-hoo! You're bonking up the wrong tree, buddy!

=== Dexter is Dirty ===
:'''Mom''': Dex, it's time for your bath!
:'''Dexter''': But I'll miss my show!
:'''Mom''': Don't argue with me, young man, just do it!

=== Ice Cream Scream ===
:'''Ice Cream Man''': You are wanting to know why? You mean you do not remember?
:'''Dexter''': Remember what?
:'''Ice Cream Man''': April 19, one year ago: It is first day on job. Everything is going great, until you come. You want the most expensive ice cream. I make suggestion of cheaper ice cream, but no, you want expensive one. And after I'm giving you ice cream, you pay with PENNIES. Do you know how long it took me to count those pennies?
:'''Dexter''': Emm... at an average human rate, I'd estimate about 5 hours and 33 minutes?
:'''Ice Cream Man''': Precisely. And when the counting was done, it is time to put pennies in safe. Then I'm noticing my shoelaces untied. Now, I couldn't very well stop to tie my shoes since somebody had given me a heavy jar of pennies to hold, and the ice cream man rules say to keep any amount of money OVER a dollar in the safe. So, I trip, and I break my tooth. The pain, it is so bad. My girlfriend left me, I lose apartment, I lose car, I'm forced to live on the freeway with wild animals, I CAN'T EVEN EAT ICE CREAM BECAUSE OF THE PAIN! '''ALL BECAUSE OF YOUR STUPID PENNIES!!''' (''screams angrily, then breathes hardly'')
:'''Dexter''': (''chuckles'') You know, I still have all of my baby teeth. Ern... I'm sorry. I'm really, really, really, REALLY sorry.
:'''Ice Cream Man''': Forget about it, kid.
:'''Dexter''': Well, in that bad case, can I order my ice cream now?
:'''Ice Cream Man''': Sure.
:'''Dexter''': I'll just have a Choco-Pop, please. (''The Ice Cream Man gives him a Choco-Pop ice cream'') At last, ice cream to eat!
:'''Ice Cream Man''': Dollar fifty, please.
:'''Dexter''': (''gives a hundred dollar bill to Ice Cream Man'') You got change for a hundred?
:(''Ice Cream Man screams angrily again'')

=== Ultrajerk 2000 ===
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': Greetings, Dexter. Welcome to my laboratory.
:'''Dexter''': Emm, excuse me. But, did you say ''your'' laboratory?
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': Yes, Dexter. My laboratory. While you slumbered, I began an analysis of your primitive laboratory finding it to be highly inefficient. I discovered that by salvaging useful components and destroying obsolete ones, I was able to create this tower capable of performing functions thousands of times greater than its predecessor, rendering a former laboratory and its creator ''obsolete''. And all obsolete materials must be destroyed.
:'''Dexter''': ''[chuckles]'' Well, then. It sounds like you had a busy night. I'll just unplug it for a little while and you can get some rest. ''[Ultrabot 4000 Observation Unit attacks him]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': I have created a monster. I got to destroy him.
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': I heard that. ''[Ultrabot 4000 Observation Unit attacks him again]''
:'''Dexter''': His laboratory, eh? We'll just see about that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[arrives]'' Hi, Dexter!
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': Attention, new organism. You are intruding in my laboratory. Prepare to be destroyed.
:'''Dee Dee''': Hey, Dexter, what are you doing way up there?
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': I am not Dexter. Dexter is obsolete. I am Ultrabot 2000.
:'''Dee Dee''': Gee, Dexter. You look like Dexter.
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': Not Dexter. Ultrabot 2000. Dexter is obsolete.
:'''Dee Dee''': You sound like Dexter too, Dexter.
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': Dexter is obsolete and must be destroyed. I am Omnibot, the most efficient life form in the universe.
:'''Dee Dee''': Boy, you sure act like Dexter. And if you look like Dexter, sound like Dexter and act like Dexter, then you MUST be Dexter!
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': ''[Ultrabot 4000 Observation Units aim at it]'' I am not Dexter. Dexter must be destroyed.
:'''Dee Dee''': Whatever you say, Dexter. OK, see you later, Dexter. ''[leaves]''
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': No. Wait. Don't listen to her. ''[Ultrabot 4000 Observation Units attack it and the control tower explodes]'' ''[Dexter approaches Omnibot's slightly active eye and kicks it, shutting it down]''

=== Dee Dee Be Deep ===
* Dee Dee: [Singing] What's with all the noise, Dexter?!

=== The Muffin King ===
*'''Dad''':  Like?  Like?!  Kids, I loved her muffins more than life itself.  Those muffins are the reason I married your mother.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Dad''': [Dressed as Mom] Muffin Time!!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Dad''':[Hidden in the dark] Dexter.  Son, could you come in here for a moment?  I need to talk to you.
*'''Dexter''':  And just what is it you want?
*'''Dad''':[steps out of the shadows, with a presence like Darth Vader] Dexter.  I... am your father!
*'''Dexter'''[shocked]That is not possible![but returns back to reality]Oh wait, no, you're right.
*'''Dad''': So join me!  Come to the Muffin Side.  Do not resist.  It is your destiny.
*'''Dexter''': Never!

=== Dexter Detention ===
:'''Dexter''': We are free!!!
:'''Prison Warden''': Looks like you broke into the state prison.

=== Don't Be a Baby ===
:'''Dexter''': Computer, what the heck is going on?!
:'''Computer''': Goo goo ga ga goo goo pee-pee!
:'''Dexter''': Hmm, yes, pee-pee...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': Dad stop being a stinker!
:''[She picks Dad up and then sniffs the air smelling something stinky]
:'''Dee Dee''': Ew, speaking of stinky...time to change your diaper!
:''[She sets Dad down on the floor and proceeds to change his diaper, afterwards holding up the dirty diaper which has a large brown spot on the seat]
:'''Dee Dee''': That's better...now a little powder.
:''[She sprinkles a whole lot of baby powder which fills the air causing Dad to cough]
:'''Dee Dee''': All done!

=== Topped Off ===
:'''Dexter's Dad''': Hmm... What the? ''[cuts to mugs leaking coffee, coffee pot, and milk]'' The kitchen's a mess. Something wrong here. ''[eyes go open]'' ''[searches through cabinets]'' Coffee, coffee, where's the coffee? Hello, coffee? '''WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THE COFFEE?!?!?!'''
:'''Dee Dee''': Uh...
:'''Dexter and Dee Dee''': We drank it all. ''[Dad looks shocked, then eerily calm]''
:'''Dexter's Dad''': You... drank the coffee? ''[laughs]'' ''You'' two drank the coffee?
:'''Dexter and Dee Dee''': ''[nervous giggling]''
:'''Dexter's Dad''': ''[laughing]'' ''[goes upset]'' Where did I go wrong? I thought I was a good father. I thought I brought you kids up right. You see, kids, coffee is what we adults need to get started in the morning. It's the key to our ignition. You kids don't need it. No. You've got youth. We adults need the coffee. But now, all we have is... ''[holds up empty coffee pot]'' THIS!!! ''[tries to get a drop from the coffee pot but nothing comes out]'' Empty! A mere shell of its former self! I've seen some pretty horrible things in my life. But this... this is just... ''[lowers his voice to a hiss]'' ''SICK!'' ''[sobbing]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Dexter and Dee standing in front of Dexter's parents in their morning clothes drinking coffee]''
:'''Dexter's Dad''': Everything is going to be OKAY! We had coffee after all! ''[with a bit frightened look]'' But what if we didn't?

=== No Power Trip ===
:'''Dad''': Hon, when's the last time we washed the car?

=== The Laughing ===
:'''Clown''': Joke time! Joke time! Joke time! Alright, kids. Why is 6 afraid of 7? (beat) 'Cause 7 8 9! 
:''[the kids, minus Dexter, burst into laughter]'' 
:'''Dexter''': I don't get it.

=== Dexter's Lab: A Story ===
:[''The dog is roaming around under the table sniffing around the family'']
:'''Dad''': So, Dexter, where's your new buddy? Oh! Well, hello down there!
:'''Dog''': Hey! It's the man from before!
:'''Mom''': Oh!
:'''Dog''': This one's a lady!
:'''Mom''': He certainly is friendly.
:'''Dee Dee''': Oh!!!!!!! Yeah, a little ''too'' friendly.
:'''Dog''': IT'S THE STICK!

=== Better Off Wet ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Hmm... Now where was I going? (a bit of the roof lands on her head) POOL! (She takes off like a jack rabbit, wearing her swimsuit, and sandals, arrives at the pool outside, flips off her slippers and puts on her swimming cap) Hurry up, Dexter! (rides the slide and lands into the pool before she squirts out water)
:'''Dexter''': I am not ready yet. (He takes his hat, dressing gown, and takes off his sandals, showing his purple swimming trunks)
:'''Dexter's Mom''': Dexter, ready to get wet?!
:'''Dexter''': Almost!! (he rubs sunscreen onto his arms)
:'''Dexter's Dad''': (he appears behind Dexter's Mom) Hi, Dexter! (the camera pans in on a shocked Dexter)
:'''Dexter''':  NO!!! (He takes off)
:'''Dexter's Dad''': Dexter? (He looks around)
:'''Dexter''':  (blinks on the roof, thinking he is safe) Phew... 
:'''Dexter's Mom''':  (She jumps into the pool) Come on in, Dexter, the water's great!
:'''Dexter''': Okay, Mom.
:''' Mee Mee and Lee Lee''': Hey, Dee Dee! We're here!
:'''Dee Dee''': Hi, girls, come on in!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dexter's Dad''': Boy, they sure are talented.
:'''Dexter''': You said it. (realizes Dad was right next to him)
:'''Dexter's Dad''': Boo!
:'''Dexter''': (he screams in terror, Dad tries to push push him into the water, but he only bounces off of Dee Dee, Mee Mee, and Lee Lee's heads. He pants only for a short while) Phew!
:'''Dexter's Dad''': Darn, I just can't get that kid! (He notices Dexter's Mom walking up to the pool) Oh, well! (Dad pushes Mom into the pool)
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dexter's Dad''':  Good job, son, you finally made it in the pool.
:'''Dexter''': Thanks, Dad, I don't know I was so shy of the water. (Dexter's Parents and sister laugh because Dexter is naked because he has lost his trunks!)

=== Let's Save the World You Jerk! ===
:''[Earth is destroyed by meteors]''
:'''Dexter''': That was all your fault, you gnome!
:'''Mandark''': No way! You're taking the heat for this one, Dexter!

=== Rushmore Rumble ===
:'''Dexter''': [screaming]
:'''Dee Dee''': HI DEXTER! Penny for your throughts?
:'''Dexter''': I'm thinking Lincoln!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Timmy's Mom''': Timmy, why don't you go and play outside?
:'''Timmy''': Is it safe?
:'''Timmy's Mom''': Well if course it is.
:'''Timmy''': Okay. ''[runs outside the house]'' La La La La La La La La La La La. ''[plays with toy cars, sees the giant statues of Washington and Lincoln walking by, then screams, runs back to the house and slams the door]''

=== The Old Switcharooms ===
:'''Mom''': You Kids are in big trouble.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Dee Dee and Dad enter Dee Dee's room and see that Dexter has destroyed it and is naked]''
:'''Dad''': Argh!
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[gasps]'' Dexter, you're naked! ''[knocks the trophy out Dad's hands, destroying it]''
:'''Dexter''': Now look what you did Dee Dee. You clumsy fool!
:'''Dad''': Argh!
:''[Cut to Dexter who is now in the doghouse, having switched &quot;rooms&quot; with the family dog]''
:'''Dexter''': Uh? Well, at least I don't have to worry about the dog destroying my lab.
:''[Cut to the dog barking and howling and destroying Dexter's lab]''

=== Trick or Treehouse ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Well, well. Look who's smaller than a breadbox.
:'''Dexter''': ''[inside the breadbox]'' Dee Dee! Let me out of here!
:'''Dee Dee''': Ha! I didn't know you could stick your beak into my business, and to get even, I get to go play around in your lab.
:'''Dexter''': Please! Dee Dee! No! No! Let me out!
:'''Dee Dee''': See you 'round, shortbread!
:'''Dexter''': Dee Dee! No! No! Please! Let me out! No! No! Please! No! No! No! No!
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[giggles in Dexter's laboratory]''
:'''Dexter''': Please! No! No!

=== Accent You Hate ===
:'''Gary''': You know, kid. You’ve got a funny accents. And if you haven’t read I hate kids with funny accents.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gary''': Get away from me! SHUT UP! '''''I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!'''''
:''[The statue punches Gary. The kids gasp. Gary's face grows red and big]''
:'''Gary''': My face! It hurts!
:'''Pirate Kid''': Arr! Now look who has the funny accent!

=== DiM ===
:'''Dee Dee''': You know they're all gonna burn out eventually.
:'''Dexter''': I know...

=== Repairanoid === 
:'''Mom''': When an electrical problem arises, I call a specialist! ''[Dad appears with a helmet and tool belt]'' No, honey. Not you.

=== sdrawkcaB (Backwards) ===
:'''Dexter''': ''[wears a Reverse Belt and walks backwards]'' !skrow tI !skrow tI .elbidercni si siht ,woW .snoitca nwo ym esrever yllautca oT ''[to Robot]'' .drawrof ,hguone si taht ,toboR ,yakO .drawroF ''[starts to get angry]'' --rof ,ydaerla thgirlA ''[gasps in reverse]'' .em ylliS ''[laughs in reverse]'' .mehA ''[to normal]'' ''Forward''.
:'''Robot''': Forward. ''[sets the lever from Reverse to Forward to Red to Green]''
:'''Dexter''': ''[walks normally]'' Wow, my Reverse Belt is a success!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Reverse! ''[[falling up with activating switch]'' ''Forward!'' ''[falling down]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[gasps]'' Dee Dee?! ''[switch activates]'' !?eeD eeD ''[gasps in reverse]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': You! What do you think you're doing? Do you have any idea what trouble you have been causing? First, I lose my lunch, and then Mom is gonna kill me, and Dad is probably in the hospital, and another thing--

=== The Continuum of Cartoon Fools ===
:'''Dexter''': Ah... Now I can get some work done in peace.
:[''The screen pans over to reveal Dee Dee working on an invention'']:
:'''Dee Dee''': Hey Dexter, can you please pass the atomizer?
:'''Dexter''': Oh certainly. (He than screams in shock that Dee Dee has gotten in his lab again, and Dee Dee unwillingly screams with him. They both stop and breath very hard.)
:'''Dexter''': (Dexter began to get angry.) All right, how the heck did you get in here?! (He pushes her to a tube) Did you get in through the 2-Dimensional Facial Filter? (He presses a button and then Dee Dee started to inflate with her body over filling the tube she was in. She then turns completely flat and then is rushed down a very narrow passage way.) Yes! (Dexter then pulls out a lazer gun called the discom bobulatur and zaps the 2-Dimensional Facial Filter destroying it. Dee Dee now completely flat suddenly walks up to Dexter.)
:'''Dee Dee''': No.
:'''Dexter''': Did you get in through the secret Molecular Disconfiguration Access Port? (He tosses the flat Dee Dee inside, presses a button, and Dee Dee was absorbed into molecules and is shot out of the lab. Dexter then grabs out a lazer gun called the meltron and zaps the Molecular Disconfiguration Access Port melting it. Dee Dee in normal shape again appears next to Dexter.)
:'''Dee Dee''': No.
:'''Dexter''': A ha! You came in through the secret Sky Port. (They come into a room with a pigeon in it. The pigeon coos at them.)
:'''Dee Dee''': You're kidding?
:'''Dexter''': Cassius, emergency exit! (Cassius then grabs on to Dee Dee's pigtails and flies her out of the lab.)
:'''Cassius''': It's a living.
:'''Dexter''': (Boards up the sky port.) Phew

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:[''Dexter swallows the key to the secret bookcase entrance'']
:'''Dexter''': THERE! NOW NO ONE'S GETTING IN! ''[maniacal laugh]''
:'''Dee Dee''': Hmmm... Yep. ''No one's'' getting into Dexter's Lab now. ''[leaves]''
:''[Dexter's smile of insanity turns into a look of horror]''
:'''Dexter''':  ......Uhhh, oh my dear... In my overwhelming zeal to banish my sister from the lab, I have indeed locked myself out! Too blinded was I not to foresee the most piteous of fates. I have thus performed the ultimate tragic irony! ''[now standing in front of the 'The End' title card]'' Surely, I am the fool of fools on a par with no other. I am no better than [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wile_E._Coyote that stupid coyote] or [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daffy_Duck that crazy duck]! Look at me, ''look at me!'' I am locked in a continuum of cartoon fools! I am doomed to a life of comic mishap adventures and social indignations! And now, here I stand before you, beaten, defeated and alone...

=== Misplaced in Space ===
:'''Alien''': Gork.
:'''Dexter''': (''translating on his watch'') 'Food?' Yeah, 'food'. You ate mine, yours, and everybody else's!
:'''Alien''': Gork.
:'''Dexter''': You can't still be hungry
:'''Alien''': Gork...
:'''Dexter''': Wh...Why are you looking at me like that?
:'''Alien''': GORK!

=== Dee Dee's Rival ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Dexter! Dexter! ''[Dexter smashed his control with a hammer]'' Oh Dexter. I'm so glad you're here! I need your help! There's a new girl in dance class and she thinks she's better than me. And I want to be a star of the show and thought... 
:'''Lala Vala''': ...use your science junk to help me beat that skinny creep.
:'''Dee Dee''': I have to win, Dexter. Or else...
:'''Lala Vala''': ...I'll be forced to break your nerdy...
:'''Dee Dee''': ...face any of the kids in class again! Please! Oh please! Oh... 
:'''Mandark''': ...Oh Please don't hurt me! Please don't hurt me! I'll do it. 
:'''Dexter''': But you better keep up your end of the bargain and I'll handle the rest. 
:'''Dee Dee''': Oh thank you, Dexter. ''[kisses Dexter's nose and laughs]''

'''Lala Vala''' ''[flings Mandark's nose and laughs]''

=== Pslightly Psycho ===
:'''Dexter, Dee Dee and Dad''': Happy Mother's Day!
:'''Mom''': New Gloves!

=== Blackfoot and Slim ===
:'''Narrator''': The Concrete Jungle. Deep within its seemingly endless towers, glass, steel and mortar, life exists.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Narrator''': For someday, we shall return to check up on this wonderful creature. This wonderful world of Blackfoot.

=== Trapped With a Vengeance ===
:'''Yani:''' ''[narrating]'' My job is simple. After the designated hours of education, the children exit to return home, while I clean, sweep and prepare their environment for the next day of education in sterile surroundings. For I am Yani the janitor. It is an uncomplicated job that leaves me much time after to spend with my beloved wife, but one children continues to complicate situation and torture. Night after night, he stays much time past designated hours, and when he decides to go he leaves a residue of filth that prolongs me for my beloved for several more hours. And when I return home, my love is taking a slumber and waking her would be catastrophical. So I wait and I plan, until the day that he will be to exit quickly for something important, for then I will have him... TRAPPED WITH A VENGEANCE!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Yani:''' Yello, Dexter. 
:'''Dexter:''' What're ya, crazy or somethin'?!

=== The Parrot Trap ===
:'''Dexter's Parrot:''' (in Dee Dee's voice) Dexter's a cookie!
:'''Dexter:''' (angrily) I am not a cookie!
:'''Dexter's Parrot:''' Dexter's a cookie!
:'''Dexter:''' Am not!
:'''Dexter's Parrot:''' Are too, cookie! (''Dexter violently shakes the stick the parrot is on, and it switches into Dexter's voice'') I'm gonna bop you one, girl! (''Dexter slams the parrot onto his desk, and it segues back into Dee Dee's voice) COOKIE! (Dexter repeatedly slams the parrot onto the table, until it is later seen beaten nearly into submission, and is flying away)
:'''Dexter:''' Good riddance! That has to be my worst invention yet!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Dexter's Dad:''' Who's trying to sneak up on me?
:'''Parrot:''' Dexter, boy genius. Dexter the cookie!
:'''Dexter's Dad:''' Shhhh I'm trying to watch my show!
:'''Parrot:''' I'm gonna bop you!
:'''Dexter's Dad:''' That is no way to talk to you-
:'''Parrot:''' You are a stupid girl! Get out get out get out! Yup yup yup! Don't touch anything!
:''(Dexter's Dad crawls away in fear)''
:'''Dexter's Dad:''' I-I-I-I-I'm sorry
:'''Dexter's Parrot:''' (in Dee Dee's voice) You're a cookie! (in Dexter's voice) Get out get out get out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Dexter's Mom:''' Alright, let's see. I'll need two eggs...
:''(Dexter's Mom cracks open two eggs and places them into the cooking bowl beside her)''
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' One stick of butter...
:''(Takes a stick of butter placed near her and places it into the cooking bowl)''
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' A half a cup of sugar...
:''(Dexter's Mom walks over to the left side of the kitchen counter where several containers lay as well as Dexter's Parrot. Mom takes some sugar and places it into the cooking bowl)''
:''(Dexter's Mom walks over to a spice rack inside the kitchen where various spices are seen as well as Dexter's Parrot from out of nowhere)''
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' A pinch of cinnamon.
:'''Parrot:''' A cup of cinnamon.
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' A cup of cinnamon.
:'''Parrot:''' A quart of pepper.
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' A quart of pepper.
:'''Parrot:''' A box of olives.
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' A box of peppers.
:'''Parrot:''' Yup, yup, yup!
:''(Dexter's Mom opens the refrigerator door inside the kitchen where the Parrot is seen inside once again)''
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' A block of cheese.
:'''Parrot:''' A block of cheese.
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' A gallon of milk.
:'''Parrot:''' A gallon of milk.
:''(Dexter's Mom takes the Parrot out of the refridgerator)''
:'''Parrot:''' Are you sneaking up on me?!?
:''(Mom back at the kitchen counter using the Parrot as a coffee boiler and pouring it into the bowl)''
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' A cup of coffee.
:'''Parrot:''' A cup of coffee.
:''(Mom settles the Parrot back down on the counter)'' 
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' Beans! 
:'''Parrot:''' Beans!
:''(Cookies fly out of the bowl suddenly)''
:'''Parrot:''' Cooooooooookies!
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' Cooooooooookies!
:'''Parrot:''' Worms and plastic minnows.
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' Now wait just a minute here! ...... Where am I gonna get worms and plastic minnows?
:'''Parrot:''' The Florida Everglades!
:''(Mom is seen immediately backing the car out of the house's driveway and driving away'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:''(Dexter has smashed the parrot to keep it from revealing his lab)''
:'''Dexter's Dad:''' Dexter!
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' How many times have I told you not to throw the bird?
:'''Dexter:''' But Mom, it's not a *real* bird. I built it in my secret laboratory.
:''(Dexter, realizing he just blabbed what the parrot didn't, claps his mouth shut)''
:'''Dee Dee:''' Smooth move, Dexter. Now you'll have to erase Mom and Dad's memories...again!
:'''Parrot:''' Smooth move, Dexter. Smooth move, Dexter. Smooth move, Dexter.

=== Dexter and Computress Get Mandark! ===
:'''Dexter''': You are stupid! You are stupid! And don't forget, you are stupid!

=== Dexter vs Santa's Claws ===
:'''Dad''': Dexter, what do you have to say for yourself?
:'''Dexter''': Well, I'm sorry I ruined Christmas. Again. But, isn't Christmas really about the family, and the love and the sharing and... Oh, Christmas tree! Oh, Christmas tree!
:'''Dee Dee''': You blockhead! That's not what Christmas is about!
:'''Dexter''':It's not? Then what is it about?
:'''Santa Claus''': The presents. Ho ho ho!

=== Dyno-Might === 
:'''Dynomutt''': Oooooh, what does this button do?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dad''': Nice uniform. You on some kind of sports team?
:'''Blue Falcon''': I'm the Blue Falcon.
:'''Dad''': Oh, yeah, the Falcons! You guys didn't do so well last season.
:'''Blue Falcon''': I'm the Blue Falcon!
:'''Dad''': Aww, don't be blue!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Blue Falcon''': I don't understand! This isn't like my old Dynomutt at all!
:'''Dexter''': Well... He's not, I built you an all-new one.
:'''Blue Falcon''': What? Why?
:'''Dexter''': Well, the old one was just a goofy idiot sidekick.
:'''Blue Falcon''': He wasn't JUST a goofy idiot sidekick! He was a....go-go dog person! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Blue Falcon''': Remember, Dexter: It's a goofy idiot sidekick that makes a superhero SUPER.

=== LABretto ===
:'''Dad''': ''[Singing]'' My goodness, my gracious, when will this day be done? Will I have a girl or will I have a son?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[singing sadly as the spotlight shines on him]'' This is not fantasy. This is reality. I'm stuck for my life! I'm stuck and I'll be stuck forever! With...my sister... ''[Yelling]'' DEE DEE!

=== Last But Not Beast ===
:'''Dad''': Secret laboratory? Now, Dexter, we need to straight a few things up with this secret laboratory business!

==Film==
=== [[w:Dexter's Laboratory: Ego Trip|Dexter's Laboratory: Ego Trip]] ===

:''[The Mandarks rally to stop the Dexters from getting the Neurotomic Proto-Core]''
:'''Young Mandark''': NOOO! I've always wanted the Core!
:'''Adult Mandark''': NOOO! I stole the Core!
:'''Overlord Mandark''': NOOO! The Core is mine!
:'''Mandark's Brain''': NOOO! Just because I'm bitter and jealous!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Old Man Dexter''': ''[thundering voice from inside a tower]'' WHOO DARES TO DISTURB THE GREAT DEXTER WHILE HE DROPS SCIENCE UPON THE WORLD?
:'''Dexter''': We are the Dexters of the past. We have come from the past to try to reach your all-knowing presence!
:'''Old Man Dexter''': PRESENTS? I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY? I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Old Man Dexter''': I remember! I REMEMBER! Dee Dee was the one who saved the future!
:'''Dexter''': What? No way!
:'''Adult Dexter''': That didn't just happen!
:'''Muscular Dexter''': I wanted to be the one who saved the future!
:'''Old Man Dexter''': Argh! That girl!
:''[The Dexters start building robots.]''
:'''Dexter''': I'll teach her to mess up my future savings.
:'''Adult Dexter''': Yeah, we'll show her!
:'''Muscular Dexter''': Ooh, that little ding dong!
:'''Old Man Dexter''': We'll get her once and for all!
:''[The Dexters finish building robots.]''
:'''Dexter''': Robots! Destroy the one who saved the future! ''[The robots walk towards the time machine.]'' Well. Huh. That should take care of Dee Dee. It looks like the future is back on track.
:'''Muscular Dexter''': I've got a lot of cleaning up to do but with a positive flow of the core everything should work out fine.
:'''Dexter''': Well then, we should be getting back to our own times. Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Muscular Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Old Man Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Adult Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Muscular Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Old Man Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Adult Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Muscular Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Adult Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Old Man Dexter''': Goodbye, Billy.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Boy, that wasn't exactly what I expected, but I did turn out pretty cool in the future. ''[sees himself fighting the robots and is surprised]'' Wait a minute, I'm still here fighting those robots. ''[breaks the fourth wall]'' But wait, those are the robots I just built to get Dee Dee while we're building the future. But now I'm about to destroy them before I even decide to go into the future. So, that means when I came back, I came back too far. Back before I ever left. So I must have come... No I... Or they were... Oh, forget it. Time travel hurts my brain.

==Season 3==
===Streaky Clean===

:'''Dexter''': [singing] Making the science, la la, la, making the science- [He grabs a test tube and it accidentally flies upwards.] Oopsy. [It falls on the table, splattering on his shirt.] Oh, would you look at that? How could I concentrate to the full capacity of my genius covered in such a filth? [He walks away] Blech!

(Dexter, now in his room, is undressing himself and replaces his messy lab coat, gloves and shoes with new, clean ones from his closet. After redressing, he jumps triumphantly.)

:'''Dexter''': [He walks back to his work area.] Now, back to the business. [He begins mixing his substance again.] Yes, yes! [He mixes more vigorously] This will be my greatest experiment ever! [He proudly holds his arm up, not realizing his beaker is about to fall over, which it does, making the same mess. Dexter holds his lab coat by wear the spill is.] Oh, for the sake of Pete...

(Dexter returns to his room to change again.)

:'''Dexter''': [Again, he walks back to his work area.] Okay now, here we a-go! [He slowly rises up to his work area. He carefully grabs his beaker.] Carefully, ''carefully.'' [He holds up a test tube and begins to pour another substance into the beaker.] Yes, that is it. Perfect, ''perfect!'' [A drop splashes Dexter's lab coat.] Oh HECK this is turning out to be!

(Dexter, once again, returns to his room to throw away another lab coat. He goes over to his closet to get another one. To his surprise, there are none left.)

:'''Dexter''': Hmm...'''MOM...!!!!'''

(A breeze blows through Dexter's bedroom window, causing him to shiver)

:'''Dexter''': What is taking her so long?

:'''Dexter''': (Dexter pokes his head out his door) Hey, mom! Shake a leg or something! [his mom arrives and opens the door but he doesn't notice] Mom! Mom! [he finally notices her and covers himself in embarrassment] HEY! [runs back in his room]

:'''Mom''': (Chuckles) Oh, come on out, Shy Boy. Here's your little play clothes all fresh and clean. But I just can't understand how you manage to stain your little outfit so quickly.

:'''Dexter''': Yeah, yeah, mom. It's a real enigma. [grabs his lab coat] Now, if you'll excuse me, I have much work to be doing. [takes his lab coat and gloves with him and closes the door]

:'''Dad''': The boy's right, dear. [puts his hands on his wife's hips] There is much work to be doing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
(Dexter streaks through the meadow)

:'''Dexter''': Oh boy, that was a close one. I just have to get to Ruthy's Field, and I will be home free! Home...

(Dexter streaks past a hippie couple sitting on a rock who smile as they watch him pass by, thinking he's celebrating the freedom of his nakedness)

:'''Dexter''': '''FREEEEEEEEEEE!!!!'''

:'''Male Hippie''': Right on, brother!

=== Mind Over Chatter ===
:'''Dexter''': ''[in his mind]'' Yuck! Mom's oatmeal! Tastes like barf!
:'''Mom''' ''[gasps]'' Dexter! Don't be rude!
:'''Dexter''': ''[confused]'' Huh?
:'''Dexter''': ''[in his mind while watching Dee Dee scarfing down her oatmeal]'' That sister of mine! What a ferocious pig!
:'''Dee Dee''': Hey! I'm no pig!
:'''Mom''' : That is enough Dexter! Time for school.
:'''Dexter''': But wait Dad, what-
:'''Dad''': The answer is no! Now get!
:'''Dexter''': ''[in his mind]'' Dad, what a stubborn poopoo doody head!
:'''Dad''': I heard that!
:'''Mom''': And we are going to have a serious talk about your potty mouth when you get home from school today!

=== Momdark ===
:'''Mom''': Huh, what did he mean when he said, &quot;your lab&quot;, Dexter?
:'''Dexter''': I don't know.

=== A Mom Cartoon ===
:'''Mom''': Oh Dad will just love this!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Shop Announcer''': Attention shoppers, we have a red light sale on aisle 8 on... latex gloves!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mom''': Would you look at that, the very last pair! Must be my lucky day!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Shop Announcer''': Attention shoppers,...

=== A Third Dad Cartoon ===
:'''Dad''': Aw well, I guess we'll have to try again next week.

==Season 4==
=== Beau Tie ===
:'''Beau''': I've always loved science.

=== Dexter's Library ===
:'''Dexter''': Ah, the sweet and silent solitude of the school library.
:'''Boy''': Oh yeah, we're so prepared for this. This is going to be a great game, we're going to kicky Booty.
:'''Girl''': Our new cheers are so awesome. Wait until you see them, you're not gonna believe it!
:'''Dexter''': Ahem! ''[puts the piece of paper that says &quot;No talking in the Library!!!&quot; in the book on the table]'' ''[takes the book from the boy]'' No book for you, ''[takes the other book from the girl]'' and no book for you!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[stops the boy trying to eat an apple]'' No, uh-uh. You know the rules. No food or drink in the library. ''[takes the book from him]'' No book for you!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[takes the book that is stepped on by a girl trying to reach the other book, she falls down]'' Mis-using school property, you know better than that. No book for you!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Ah, here we are. 701.328. ''[gasps]'' Hello! What is this?! &quot;Green Bacon and Eggs&quot;! What is a children's book doing in coelacanth paleobiology? ''[gets enraged]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Miss Salinger, Miss Salinger.
:'''Salinger''': Yes, what is it, Dexter?
:'''Dexter''': I have found an inappropriately placed piece of fiction.
:'''Salinger''': Really? Well, be a dear and place it in its proper home.
:'''Dexter''': ''[drops the book]'' Ahh. Library patrons speaking at unacceptable volumes, eating snacks, abusing school property, and now ''this''. Ahh, it is all very disappointing. ''[breaks the fourth wall]'' You know, I like Miss Salinger and all, but if this were my library, such behavior within these hallowed shelves would not be tolerated.
:'''Salinger''': Oh, my, look at the time. Dexter, I have to be at a staff meeting. I need you to keep an eye on things for one hour.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Finally, a school library dedicated to the pure appreciation of the English language. Dexter, you have done it again. Next! ''[a girl arrives with a book in her hand]'' Sarah Goldfarm. Another early return, I see. ''[Sarah gives the book to him]'' Ha ha ha! &quot;Stranger Rick&quot;: August 2001. A solid subject matter, ''[drops the book]'' but a little sophomoric for second grade. Would you not agree? ''[Robot burns the book]'' Robot, please retrieve some less frivolous reading for Miss Goldfarm? Perhaps something from coealacanth paleobiology, a personal favorite subject of mine.
:'''Robot''': ''[goes in search of a book in a library cabinet and returns to Dexter]'' Cannot confirm target.
:'''Dexter''': &quot;Cannot confirm target&quot;? You illiterate Android! ''[slaps the robot]'' Must I spell everything out for you recycled soup cans? ''[writes the piece of paper and puts it on the Robot's head]'' Well! ''[The Robot goes in search of a book again]'' ''[whistles]'' Heh heh heh!
:'''Robot''': ''[returns to Dexter]'' System error. Cannot confirm target.
:'''Dexter''': ''[gets angry]'' Arrrr! ''[punches the Robot's head]'' WHY MUST I DO EVERYTHING MYSELF?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[grumbles as he climbs the stairs in the librarian cabinet]'' ...stupid-looking robots. There. &quot;Coealacanth Paleonbiology&quot;. Now, how difficult was that? ''[opens his eyes and is surprised]'' &quot;GREEN BACON AND EGGS&quot;?!!! BUT I DO NOT LIKE &quot;GREEN BACON AND EGGS&quot;!!! There is not a walnut brained ape among you who is worthy to share my world-class collection of written history!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Salinger''': Dexter, I am very disappointed in you. I leave you in charge of the library for one hour, and look what you do. Just look at this mess.
:'''Dexter''': But-- but-- I... they...
:'''Salinger''': I'm giving you the maximum library penalty.
:'''Dexter''': ''[gasps]'' No! Not that! Please, Miss Salinger. No!
:'''Salinger''': That's right. You can only check out 4 books a week, instead of 5.
:'''Dexter''': ''[sobs]'' It's not very nice of you. NOOOOOOOOO!
:'''Crowd''': Shhh!

=== 2Geniuses 2Gether 4Ever ===
:'''Dexter''': Ah, all done.
:'''Mandark''': It's about time. Well, let's see what we've got. ''[takes off the blindfold]'' Ah! At last, my darkest creation is completed!
:'''Dexter''': ''[gives the remote control to Mandark]'' After you.
:'''Mandark''': May I? ''[grabs the remote control]'' With a push of this button, I, Mandark, will unleash a mind-bending transmission which will put the entire universe under my control. And that means you, too, Dorkster. I have double-crossed you once again. And now it will all be mine! ''[laughs]'' Ha!
:''[Mandark tries pressing the button over and over, and Dexter plugs the power cord into an electrical outlet, and the invention explodes by displaying the title of the television series as a reference to the intro]''
:'''Dexter''': Ha! Well, well, well, Mandark, who double-crossed whom?
:'''Mandark''': This was supposed to be mine, Dexter! All mine, not yours! Mine!
:'''Dexter''': Well, like I always say: if you can't play with the big dogs, stay on the porch. Ha ha! ''[The &quot;The End&quot; logo in white appears on the screen]'' Hey! What is going on? I am trying to wax poetic here.

=== Folly Calls ===
:'''Dexter''': ''[sees Dee Dee's hair cut off and laughs insanely]'' OH, YOU'RE KILLING ME! ''[laughing and snorting]''
:'''Dee Dee''': So?
:'''Dexter''': Now, Dee Dee. We have been through this scenario so many times before, and you know that I am helpless to assist you for one simple and very basic reason: you are STUPID!
:'''Dee Dee''': Oh, please, Dexter. Please! Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please! Oh, please, Dexter! Use your vast and unlimited knowledge of science to help me get my hair back! ''Pretty please.''
:'''Dexter''': Well, no.
:'''Dee Dee''': Alright, Dexter, but remember... ''[grows bigger]'' ''I am your big sister!'' ''[grows some more]'' ''AND I WILL CRUSH YOU LIKE A BUG...'' ''[grows again]'' '''''...IF YOU DON'T DO AS I SAY!'''''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Now, Dee Dee, pay attention. You are only to apply one drop of this stuff. Do you understand? One drop, not 2 drops, not 3 drops, not 75 drops. JUST ONE DROP! GOT IT?!
:'''Dee Dee''': Yeah. Of course I got it, Dexter. Just one drop. ''[sings and leaves the lab]'' One drop, one drop, one drop, one drop...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Dee Dee screams while running entering the lab]''
:'''Dexter''': Let me guess. You used more than one drop.
:'''Dee Dee''': It was too one drop, Dexter! Just a really, really ''big'' one drop!
:'''Dexter''': Hmm...

=== Comic Stripper ===
:'''Dexter''': You did it all wrong, Mandark. I figured out you were copying &quot;Mister Misery&quot; all along, so I played your own game against you. ''[Mandark pretends to be yawning]'' And then you have the nerve ''[throws the &quot;Mister Misery&quot; comic]'' not to even follow the dumb story! Oh, and one other thing... WHAT IS WITH ALL THIS STUPID QUACKING?!
:'''Mandark''': Well, you see, Dexter. I went to buy &quot;Mister Misery&quot; but the store was all sold out. So I picked up a copy of &quot;Dangerous Duck&quot; instead.
:'''Dexter''': And do you know why &quot;Mister Misery&quot; was all sold out? Because ''I'' bought them all.
:'''Mandark''': Hmm. Well, then. If you bought them all, ''how did you expect me to know all &quot;Mister Misery&quot;'s new fight moves then?!'' ''[Dexter is upset and a donkey appears]'' QUACK. ''[teases Dexter and walks away]''

=== Chicken Scratch ===
:'''Dexter''': (Screams in shock) What are the strange protrusions? I must investigate immediately. ''[ Dee Dee arrives while singing]'' Uh-oh.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': OK, Dee Dee, way too much has happened this morning so, please, GET OUT OF MY LABORATORY!!! ''[closes the door]'' I have no time for her foolishness today.
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[opens the door]'' But, Dexter, I'm not in your labor... [She stops and looks at Dexter] YOU'VE GOT CHICKENPOX!
:'''Dexter''': Chickenpox? What is this pox of the chicken?
:'''Dee Dee''': Poor Dexter, so knowledgeable in science but doesn't have enough common sense to know what chickenpox is. Well, a long time ago, a group of evil, contaminated chickens escaped from jail, and started to break into children's houses where they picked away, giving huge, itchy pimples. And if you stratch them, you turn into an evil, contaminated chicken!
:'''Dexter''': Are you crazy, woman? I've teach you les--! ''[scratches]''
:'''Dee Dee''': Bagock.
:'''Dexter''': (Screams in fear) I do not want to be an evil, contaminated chicken.
:'''Dee Dee ''': Then, DON'T SCRATCH! ''[leaves Dexter's room]''
:'''Dexter''': That seems simple enough. ''[scratches and stops]'' I'd better keep myself busy so as not to think about the itching.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Perfect. ''[thinking while scratching]'' Now, how much dioxide detrolium should I add? Hmm... what is the correct amount? ''[stops thinking and scratching and laughs]'' Silly me! ''[scratches again]'' Avoiding scratching this whole time? ''[freaks out]'' ROBOT! More drastic measures must be taken.
:'''Robot''': Yes, Dexter?
:'''Dexter''': Robot, if you see me scratching a part of my body, I want you to zap me with 100 watts of electrons.
:'''Robot''': Yes, Dexter. ''[zaps Dexter]''
:'''Dexter''': I wasn't ready, Robot.
:'''Robot''': Yes, Dexter. ''[zaps Dexter again]''
:'''Dexter''': I said I wasn't ready.
:'''Robot''': Yes, Dexter.
:'''Dexter''': No, Robot, wait! ''[Robot zaps him again]'' This is not working. ''[Robot zaps him again]'' STOP, ROBOT!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': A new invention must be created.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[after creating his invention]'' Success!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[destroys the straps after failing to hold back the itching]'' GOTTA SCRATCH!!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': Hello! [She stops and looks at Dexter] [Dee Dee screamed and ducks under her bed] [She peeks out] Dexter, is that you?
:'''Dexter''': ''[turns to Dexter who is now turned into a chicken]'' Yep, I scratched.

== Lost Episode ==
=== Rude Removal ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Oooh! Dexter's got gas!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Rude Dexter''': Where the f'ck are we?
:'''Rude Dee Dee''': Beats the cr'p out of me!
:'''Dexter''': (With a British accent) Why, you're in Dexter's Laboratory, silly. I'm Dexter, and this golden-haired angel behind me is my charming sister, Dee Dee.
:'''Dee Dee''': (With a British accent) Charmed!
:'''Rude Dexter''': Ah, f'ck off!
:'''Dexter and Dee Dee''': ''[gasp]'' Oh dear!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mom''': I hope you're hungry, 'cause I made a ''[trips over Rude Dexter]'' very... SPECIAL LUNCH THAT I GOT FROM A RECIPE THAT I... FOUND IN A BESSIE CRACKER MAGAZINE! ''[pants]'' I hope you like it.
:'''Mom''': ''[dizzy]'' Well, what do you think, Dexter?
:'''Rude Dexter''': ''[mouth full]'' I think it tastes like sh't! ''[spits at Mom]''
:'''Mom''': ''[faints]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mom''': ''[angry]'' Dexter! No, absolutely not! You cannot have any dessert!
:'''Rude Dexter''': Why? You want it all to yourself?
:'''Mom''': ''[gasps, then faints]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mom''': Now to clean those filthy mouths.
:'''Dexter''': ''[to the audience]'' Oh, sh't!

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0115157|title=Dexter's Laboratory}}

[[Category:1990s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]]
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[[Category:Anime-influenced Western animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated science fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:Elementary school TV shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
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      <sha1>pz0as15ed0x9ce6fitfdi6qsjtqhj40</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>The Thick of It</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>110361</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147993</id>
      <parentid>3145432</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T03:46:48Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Mr. Brain</username>
        <id>3009526</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Series 2, Episode 3 */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="559168" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:The Thick of It|The Thick of It]]''''' is a British sitcom, satirising the inner workings of modern government, that finished  its fourth (and final) series in October 2012. It stars [[wikipedia:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] as spin doctor [[wikipedia:Malcolm Tucker|Malcolm Tucker]]. See also ''[[In The Loop]]'', a spin-off feature film.

==Series 1, Episode 1==

:''(Malcolm Tucker's first line.)'' 
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' ''(on his phone, in Cliff Lawton's office)'' No, he's useless. He's absolutely useless. He is, he's useless, he's as useless as a marzipan dildo. All right. Got to go. Minister's just walked in. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker has just told Cliff Lawton, the head of the Department of Social Affairs, that he has to resign as Minister.)''
:'''Cliff Lawton:''' Malcolm, look, um – if you do this, it's the bollocks of the jungle out there, you know? They're like wolves. Pissed wolves. 
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' I've made the announcement: I've told [[wikipedia:The_Lobby|the Lobby]] you're going, Cliff.  
:'''Cliff:''' You've told the Lobby I'm going?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Sorry, Cliff.  
:'''Cliff:''' Minister.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get used to Cliff. I've booked you in for the usual soapy tit-wank farewell at Number 10, in 20 minutes. Also drafted you a letter of resignation: gives you the chance to say that you're jumping before you're pushed, although obviously we're gonna be briefing that you ''were'' pushed, sorry.
:'''Cliff:''' Um...Look, tell you what. You don't need to do all of this. What about Tom? Everybody knows he's fucking up Transport. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can't sack Tom at Transport. We can't lose anyone at Transport, they're important. 
:'''Cliff:''' What? And Social Affairs isn't? 
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, the Department of Social for Commercial Affairs is very important, but it's not Transport. Transport's cars, buses, trucks. 
:'''Cliff:''' I KNOW WHAT TRANSPORT FUCKING ENTAILS! 
:''(Malcolm gives Cliff his infamous &quot;bollocking stare.&quot;)''
:'''Cliff:''' Look, look...Look. I'll look at it. 
:''(Cliff looks at the resignation note.)''
:'''Cliff:''' Personal reasons. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I thought that would give you adequate scope. 
:'''Cliff:''' Scope. What, like, um...shooting up in the Cabinet Office or something? Stuffing a cat up my arse and having a wank? What do you mean, scope? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, this could be a great deal worse. You have had a good innings. You have been here for 18 months. And you know, I have written some very nice things about you in the PM's reply to your resignation. Some very nice fucking things indeed. I had a lump in my throat. And you know why? Because no one who matters thinks any less of you over this...so far. OK? Right. One more thing: ''[[wikipedia:The Daily Mail|The Daily Mail]]''. David Topham has got it into his head that we are going to sack you because of press pressure. 
:'''Cliff:''' I wonder why. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look. You're in no position to dish out fucking sarcasm. That's over. You no longer have purchase in the sarcasm world. Get on the phone. Tell him you're jumping before you're pushed -- although we were going to push you, but not because of press pressure, but because of your deeply held fucking personal issues, whatever they were. 
:'''Cliff:''' You want me to write my own obituary!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Get on the fucking phone. Do it now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh Abbot, the new head of the Department of Social Affairs, is calling a big meeting to announce his first major policy. Joining Hugh in his office are his staff members: Glenn Cullen, Hugh's senior advisor and best friend; Oliver &quot;Ollie&quot; Reeder, Hugh's junior advisor; and Terri Coverley, the department's Chief Press Secretary.)'' 
:'''Hugh Abbot:''' Shush! I've got something very important to say. I've got -- Ollie, I've got something for us. I've got us a very, very tasty little morsel. Because this morning I had a chat with my very good friend, the Prime Minister of Great Britain. (Glenn, Ollie, and Terri are very interested.) Yes. And, um, remember the, um, um -- Ollie, your Benefit Unit Fraud...
:'''Ollie Reeder:''' Anti-Benefit Fraud Executive. ABFE. 
:'''Hugh:''' ABFE. Um, Scrounger Squad. 
:'''Ollie:''' Snooper Squad. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(correcting himself)'' Snooper Squad. 
:'''Terri Coverley:''' The one with the spending implications? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, and the Prime Minister's view, it turns out, is very much, &quot;Fuck the spending implications, I like it.&quot; 
:'''Glenn Cullen:''' Good. 
:'''Hugh:''' So this is us. We're on the map. It's a chance for me, Glenn, to get on Richard &amp; Judy and plant that flag right on their fucking sofa. 
:'''Terri:''' So the, um, the Prime Minister's authorized you -- he ''has'' authorized you to announce it, has he? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's very much what he signaled, yes, very clearly. He said that he's very much right behind us on this and it's very much what we should be doing. 
:'''Ollie:''' This is great. So we can do it this afternoon at the school, can't we? We can, uh, we can clear the press conference that we've got...
:'''Terri:''' ''(getting up to leave)'' Excuse me. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. We'll &quot;double-bubble&quot; it, yeah? We'll leak it to the Standard for the early editions and then trail it on the World at One. Yes? Right. I'll tell you, we, we need someone at the Standard we can give this to. What about Angela Heaney? She's at the Standard now, isn't she? Hugh?
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Um...yes, she is. Do you not think that maybe she's a bit junior, I think. 
:'''Glenn:''' Bit too much like your ex who broke your heart and then dumped you with a text message? 
:'''Ollie:''' It was a fucking e-mail. It wasn't a text message. 
:'''Glenn:''' We give it to her, she'll write what we want. 
:'''Hugh:''' She's easy.
:'''Glenn:''' She is easy. 
:''(Terri returns to the office, trying to tell the guys to control their excitement over the Snooper Squad policy.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Uh, one moment. I can see that you've all got very big, stiff hard-ons for this one -- 
:'''Hugh:''' Sorry? 
:'''Terri:''' That's -- that is nice. I'm not saying that's not nice. But...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(surprised)'' Terri! 
:'''Terri:''' But there is absolutely no way we're gonna clear it by this afternoon. So...
:'''Ollie:''' Why not? 
:'''Terri:''' Do cool it, just for a minute, and I'll ring Paul at the Treasury. 
:'''Hugh, Glenn, and Ollie:''' NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! 
:'''Hugh:''' No phone calls to the Treasury, thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' If you call the Treasury to get anywhere near the announcement, he's gonna have to dress up as catering with a big tray of drinks and a pot of sliced lemons. 
:'''Hugh:''' I'm not doing that. 
:'''Terri:''' I'm just going by procedure. 
:'''Hugh:''' Terri, I love doing things the right way, that ethical stuff. I, I-I love it, I mean, we all, we all do. But -- but, you know, it's very difficult when you're the first person to put your gun down, because people tend to jump on your head as if it was a ripe watermelon. We don't want that, do we? 
:'''Ollie:''' The Prime Minister said he wants to do it. The Prime Minister is above the Treasury in the hierarchy. I can write it down on a chart if it actually helps. 
:'''Terri:''' Whatever. 
:'''Glenn:''' Thank you. 
:'''Terri:''' Very good, Minister. I'll get to it. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Terri)'' You're just doing your job. ''(After Terri leaves, Hugh whispers to Glenn &amp; Ollie)'' Not very well. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' Will you get Angela on the phone for Ollie? ''(to Ollie)'' You can deal with this, Ollie, yes? Thank you. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' The driver. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering Glenn's question, despondently)'' Technically. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Will it be my usual driver? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, Hugh. 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't fucking like him. 
:'''Glenn:''' Why not? 
:'''Hugh:''' He's...I don't know. I think he despises me. 
:'''Glenn:''' We'll have to use him today, because you know how the pool system works. So we go down to the school...um...have to. 
:'''Hugh:''' He's sort of contemptuous. 
:'''Glenn:''' The driver? 
:'''Hugh:''' I feel like he looks down on me. 
:'''Glenn:''' No, Hugh, he likes you, I'm sure. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn are in the car listening to ''[[wikipedia:The World at One|The World at One]]''. They're celebrating Hugh's &quot;Snooper Force&quot; policy being given the green light.)''
:'''[[wikipedia:Nick Clarke|Nick Clarke]]:''' (on the radio) ''The World at One. This is Nick Clarke with 30 minutes of news...''
:'''Hugh:''' Well, you can fuck off for a start. 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''The Social Affairs Secretary Hugh Abbot...''
:'''Hugh:''' ''(quite proudly)'' Evening. 
:'''Glenn:''' First story up. 
:'''Hugh:''' Top of the bill. 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...a uniformed, so-called Snooper Force. The announcement suggests the DSA has pushed the Treasury into releasing more funds, so we'll ask, is the Treasury losing its... 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes it is, and not before time! 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...Social Affairs spokesman Mark Davis Nathenson... 
:'''Hugh:''' If you can get him out of the bath! 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''But first, the estimates of fatalities from yesterday's train disaster in Bangalore have risen precipitously overnight...
:'''Hugh:''' Well, that's marvelous. 
:''(But then, Hugh's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, Tucker. ''(Happily answering the call)'' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck was that? Was this whole Snooper Force thing from you? 
:'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I talked to the PM and this is completely kosher as far as he's concerned. You know, he gave the go-ahead and he said, you know, bounce the Treasury.
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't you realise? We have got 17 different issues we are fighting with the Treasury about. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can hear that you are, as usual, upset. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you why I'm upset. I'm upset because these fucking morons over at [[wikipedia:HM_Treasury|the Treasury]], these people, they are so paranoid. If you don't tell them about stuff like this, if you don't even cc them an email, they think you've started a palace coup! 
:'''Hugh:''' Mal– Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't seem to understand that I'm gonna have to mop up a fucking hurricane of piss here from all of these neurotics! What did the Prime Minister ''actually'' say to you?  
:'''Hugh:''' He actually said, 'This is exactly the kind of thing we should be doing.'  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''What did he actually say?''  
:'''Hugh:''' He said, 'This is exactly the sort of thing we should be doing.'  
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Should' be doing. 'Should' does not mean 'yes'. Now, there's only one thing to do here, and it's what I'm going to tell you to do. Kill it. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can't -- I can't kill it! I'm on my way to make the announcement! There's gonna be television cameras there and everything! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, fuck the television cameras! Think of something else to say! But just don't mention the bloody [[wikipedia:The_New_Avengers|New Avengers]] or the Snooper Force, or whatever the fuck you call it. 
:'''Hugh:''' Scam Busters? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get rid of it. I don't want to hear about it again. Bye.  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn is on the phone with Terri, telling her about a change in the Snooper Force story.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' So the line is -- and call every news desk -- that the Snooper Force story is that it was led out by, quote, &quot;a disgruntled civil servant,&quot; unquote. OK? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(privately annoyed)'' OK, great. 
:'''Glenn:''' And Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' Hmmm? 
:'''Glenn:''' You can drop that tone, all right? 
:'''Terri:''' What tone? 
:'''Glenn:''' The &quot;I knew better all along&quot; tone, yeah? It isn't fucking appreciated right now! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Ollie is in the car with Glenn &amp; Hugh, and the three of them are discussing policy ideas while traveling.)''
:'''Glenn:''' What we need is something that the public want, is incredibly popular and is free. 
:'''Ollie:''' Return of capital punishment.  
:'''Hugh:''' That's a joke, right? You are joking, yes, obviously? Come on, Ollie, come up with something.  
:'''Ollie:''' National spare room database.  
:'''Hugh:''' What about zoos? My kids went to a zoo the other day and they said it was fucking disgusting, you know, the state of it. That's shit, isn't it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' What if everybody had to carry a plastic bag, by law? You know, the identification cards are coming in...
:'''Hugh:''' You've fucking cracked! Are you mad?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' What if the announcement is...there's no big announcement.
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, for goodness...
:'''Ollie:''' No, no, wait. Right? We say, &quot;The Department of Social Affairs has been doing amazing work, bread-and-butter work, belt-and-braces work, the kind of work that you people aren't interested in cos it's not shiny, shiny, media-friendly stuff. You are so obsessed with how things play in the media, you sickos, that every time we try and do, you know, just carry on with our day, you don't show up, so we have to call a big, you know, thing like this.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' On target, under budget. 
:'''Ollie:''' Coalface politics. 
:'''Hugh:''' Absolutely. Yes, I like that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Not wasting resources. 
:'''Hugh:''' Good. Let's do that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Let's go for that.
:'''Hugh:''' We trick them. We trick them. Tinselly thing and they come along and we say, &quot;Ah, that's what we've been doing, we've been doing our fucking jobs!&quot; ''(beat)'' Yes, they never print that stuff, do they? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, and you've come all this way, we've got you two hours out of London to come and cover this.
:'''Hugh:''' You mugs! You mugs! 
:'''Ollie:''' But you know what? You've got a bigger story here than you have chasing your tinsel. 
:'''Hugh:''' Which is you live in a country which is properly...There's not many countries can say that. 
:'''Glenn:''' And we've probably got 10,000,000 we can throw at it. 
:'''Hugh:''' That's good, because it sounds like a lot, doesn't it. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are at the school, preparing for Hugh's big speech.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' I've got a thing here that says &quot;springy concrete.&quot; I don't know, I think that's about the playground.
:'''Glenn:''' Springy concrete? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing his speech)'' Good afternoon...Should I say &quot;Hello, boys and girls?&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, very nice. 
:'''Hugh:''' Like a fucking panto dame.
:'''Ollie:''' He's gonna look ridiculous on the six o'clock news saying, &quot;Hello, boys and girls.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' He's talking to the audience in front of him. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing)'' Real money for real families. ''(asking Glenn and Ollie)'' Real families or real people? 
:'''Glenn:''' Families. 
:'''Ollie:''' People. Real people. 
:'''Glenn:''' You see? Don't...Families. 
:'''Ollie:''' Families sounds exclusive. It sounds kinda back to basics, it sounds [[wikipedia:John Major|John Major]]. 
:'''Glenn:''' People sounds Communist.
:'''Ollie:''' It doesn't sound Communist. 
:'''Hugh:''' I'll say families. 
:'''Glenn:''' Thank you, Hugh. 
:'''Ollie:''' Say families of people. 
:''(A schools-woman approaches the room.)'' 
:'''Schools-woman:''' Mr. Abbot. 
:'''Glenn:''' Great. You're on. Here we go. 
:'''Hugh:''' Thank you. 
:'''Glenn:''' It's what you do best, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yep. ''(to the schools-woman)'' This is lovely. Very nice indeed. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(But a short time later...Hugh's speech bombed.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Well, that was a fucking disaster. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Surprisingly, Hugh's press conference was so boring that it was a success! Hugh and Glenn are celebrating at the office.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Well, you really pulled it round, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' I took the flak, you supplied the flak jacket. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and the bullets bounced off. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is what it's all about, Glenn. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is what it's -- All those years at the coalface, hanging in there, taking all the shit, all the bullshit. 
:'''Glenn:''' When you are Senior Cabinet Minister, then we'll show them. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, and Snooper Force? Bollocks, we'll get rid of that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Aw, for fuck's sake, yeah. Fiddling while Rome burns. 
:'''Hugh:''' Fucking right. We'll kick some arse. We'll kick some butt! Kick some butt! 
:'''Glenn:''' That's what we're in it for, mate, tell them all the shit that we do. 
:''(Glenn sees Malcolm standing behind Hugh, but Hugh is blissfully unaware.)''
:'''Hugh:''' It's a means to an end, mate. 
:''(Hugh then sees Malcolm right behind him.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck me, Malcolm. How do you do that? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Can I have a word with you?
:''(Glenn, who had earlier slammed doors in Ollie's and Terri's faces, finds a door being slammed in his face.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm wants to discuss Hugh's speech at the school.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' I'm hacked off, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(stuttering)'' But w-w-we killed it. It-it's killed. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but once you start the fire...And we didn't start the fire. It was always burning since the world's been turning, et cetera, et cetera. 
:'''Hugh:''' Sorry, Malcolm, you're not making any sense. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Prime Minister, obviously, he's on the plane in Stockholm, and somebody hits him with ''The World At One.'' He thinks it's the Treasury trying to stiff him one, so he, um... he stuck with the story. 
:'''Hugh:''' He liked it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, he's backing the Snooper Force. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(smiling)'' Oh, right. We shouldn't really then have, I mean, you shouldn't really have told us to, uh...Should you? ''(chuckles)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't should me, Hugh. Cos I'll should you right back. I'll should you right through that window. None of this SHOULD be happening, should it? SHOULD it? Should it? 
:'''Hugh:''' Is that should in the...sense of yes, or...? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's should in the sense of &quot;You should do as you're fucking told.&quot;  
:'''Hugh:''' What are we gonna do now? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're gonna completely reverse your position.  
:'''Hugh:''' Hang on a second. Malcolm, it's not actually that, um – I mean, that's gonna be quite hard, really.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well the announcement that you didn't make today, you did.  
:'''Hugh:''' No, no, I didn't, ''and'' there were television cameras there while I was not doing it.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck them!  
:'''Hugh:''' I'm not quite sure h– what level of reality I'm supposed to be operating on.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, this is what they run with. I tell them that you said it, they believe that you said it. They don't really believe you said it, they know that you never said it. 
:'''Hugh:''' Right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' But it's in their interests to say that you said it. Because if they don't say that you said it, they're not gonna get what you say tomorrow or the next day, when I decide to tell them what it is you're saying. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I-I am following this. I just... 
:'''Malcolm:''' I had a friend who used to indulge in extramarital affairs, OK? He would go off and he'd have some dalliance, and every Monday he'd come back and he'd meet his wife. And he told me that all he did was inside his head turn a little switch. The affair never happened. OK? 
:'''Hugh:''' Right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' There's not a prob -- I don't -- What is the problem with this? 
:'''Hugh:''' The problem with it...First of all, I didn't get much dalliance. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get it into your head. Rewind today into your head. 
:'''Hugh:''' OK, stop explaining it to me!  
:'''Malcolm:''' I have to fucking explain it to you, man. You haven't been here long enough. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is in an office arguing with his ex-girlfriend, Angela Heaney...who's also a news journalist.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I'm really glad you came in, Angela. 
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, I could lose my job, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah... 
:'''Angela:''' Because I went all hot and heavy to the news desk with three directly contradictory stories in one day. 
:'''Ollie:''' I know, 
:'''Angela:''' They gave me flip-flops. You know? Someone actually went out and bought me flip-flops to give me. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. You've gotta give them credit for that, that is quite funny. 
:'''Angela:''' Yeah. And they pasted onto them...a fucking porn picture of a girl sucking a big cock and they wrote, &quot;Angela Heaney swallows anything.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' That is less funny. Obviously, that's actually quite offensive. 
:'''Angela:''' Can you give me one good reason why I shouldn't do a big story on the, you know, the day of spin? 
:'''Ollie:''' Wh-Why? What sort of story? ''(Ollie starts stammering and struggling to defend himself...)'' 
:'''Angela:''' Inside story of a government department out of control. With diagrams and maybe a flow chart with your face and name on it. And Glenn's and Hugh's and big arrows showing who spoke to who and how you all fucked it up. Yeah, I think I could write that one up myself, Ollie. I think I could do the punctuation on ''that'' one. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I'm sorry. 
:''(Suddenly, Malcolm comes into the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm''': Hey. Hi, Angela. Oh, I like the hair, nice little corkscrews. How's it going? 
:'''Ollie''': Yeah, er, fine. Um, we were just, er, talking about why Angela shouldn't do a big story on the big insidery piece, kinda day of spin, sort of spread in the paper... 
:'''Malcolm''': Oh, I don't know. Maybe you should! Good idea! 
:''(Malcolm leaves -- then comes back.)'' 
:'''Malcolm''': Oh, wait a minute. I know why she shouldn't. Because, you know, if she did that, she'd be dead. To me, to this department, to the government. And she'll never get another story, or even a fucking whiff of a story as long as she kept her sorry, hack bitch face lingering around Westminster, because I would call every editor I know - which, obviously, that's all of them - and I'd tell them to gouge her name out of their address books so she'd never even get a job on hospital radio ''where the sad sack belongs.'' That's what I'd tell her. ''(to Ollie)'' But maybe you should do it. See you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. ''(to Angela)'' He's actually...He can be really nice. It's been a very long day. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Hugh:''' I want a new driver. Get me a new driver. I don't want to see this guy ever again. 
:'''Glenn:''' On what grounds? 
:'''Hugh:''' Smiling. Inappropriate smiling. And smirking. Smiling and smirking. I don't want to see that smile or smirk ever again. OK? Thank you. ''(Hugh turns to the driver)'' OK, thank you very much. 
:'''Driver:''' Which way do you want to go? 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't care, you're the boss.

==Series 1, Episode 2==
:''(This is the opening scene of the episode.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You're late. And you look like shit. 
:'''Hugh:''' I know both of those things already. [[wikipedia:Margaret Thatcher|Margaret Thatcher]] used to survive on less than four hours' sleep a night. How is that possible? 
:'''Glenn:''' Monkey glands. She was mad. Mad people have different needs. 
:'''Hugh:''' And she lived above the shop, so she didn't have to commute. God, London is so big. Can't we devolve some of it? If I could get just one decent night's shut-eye... 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, Hugh, do yourself a favor. Stay over in the flat. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can't break my promise to Kate. 
:'''Glenn:''' I mean, do you actually get to see the children? 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn, I don't have time for that. All I do... I work, I eat, I shower. That's it. Occasionally... I take a dump, just as a sort of treat. I mean, that really is my treat. That's what it's come to. I sit there and I think, &quot;No, I'm not going to read the [[wikipedia:New_Statesman|''New Statesman'']]. This time is just for me. This is quality time just for me.&quot; Is that normal?
:'''Glenn''': It's sad.
:'''Hugh''': Well at least I've made something.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are on the phone, discussing an article by Simon Hewitt.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Hello, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you got Simon Hewitt's piece in front of you? 
:'''Hugh:''' I haven't been quite through it, erm, yet. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you got to the bit where he calls ''you'' out of your depth?
:'''Hugh:''' No, at the moment he's calling me 'the political equivalent of the house wine at a suburban Indian restaurant'. That's not very good, is it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' So, how do we respond to this?
:'''Terri:''' Right, we don't exchange insults with bloody Simon arsepipes titty-twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Is that honestly the best swearing that you can come up with?  
:'''Glenn:''' This is a bucket of shit: if someone throws shit at us, we throw shit back at them, we start a shit fight. We throw so much shit back at them that they can't pick up shit, they can't throw shit, they can't do shit.  
:'''Terri:''' Mm.  
:'''Hugh:''' That's top swearing, Glenn, well done.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' Watch and learn.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' ''(thinking of policy ideas)'' Shut up for a minute, please. Where else can we go? Pollution, the environment. Litter. Dog shit. 
:'''Ollie:''' Aiming high.  
:'''Hugh:''' We aimed high, now we're at dog shit.  
:'''Ollie:''' So what you're looking for –  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' OK, this is what we're doing. I'm putting it about through a number of cronies –  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' – that Hewitt's piece was a packet of bollocks; he did it as a favour to Cliff.  
:'''Ollie:''' Cliff being –  
:'''Glenn:''' Cliff Lawton.  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh right.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh's predecessor. He and Hewitt are as tight as arse cheeks.  
:'''Hugh:''' Are they now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck knows, but that's what we're saying, OK? It's personal, it's backslapping, it's borderline homoerotic, and you are an innocent victim of a nasty media stitch-up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh has just asked Terri which policy idea she prefers: Glenn's or Ollie's?)'' 
:'''Terri:''' It's not my role to have a preference. I sell the apples. If you want me to sell the apples, I'll sell the apples. And if you want me to sell the oranges, then I'll go and tell people the apples? &quot;The apples are shit, Ollie. They're shit.&quot; I'll say, &quot;Go on! Check out our oranges!&quot; 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' And you're against it? 
:'''Glenn:''' It'll die on its arse! 'My grandma was mugged by some ferret-faced teenager with a neck tattoo, what are you gonna do about it?' 'Teach him to play the bassoon.' It is, as my dear old mother would have said, double wank and shit chips.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Well, my guts still say no.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well substantial as they are, they've been outvoted.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I know you were very keen on Terri's appointment but, um –  
:'''Malcolm:''' She's shit.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I wouldn't go that far.  
:'''Malcolm:''' She's a box-ticker, Hugh. She can't think outside the box.  
:'''Hugh:''' No, in fact she's built a box inside the actual box and she's doing her thinking inside that box.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Exactly, I like that.  
:'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry, I'm so tired, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No, that's good.  
:'''Hugh:''' I have so much stuff to read and think about.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''': Anyway, these focus groups, they're absolutely useless.
:'''Ollie''': Oh, so it's useless to ask people what they think, is it? It's useless to ask people's opinions before we formulate a policy? It's useless?!
:'''Glenn''': Look, there's no point in asking people what they think. They either don't know what they think or they think that you should bring back hanging for traffic wardens. Or they just think what every right-minded thinking person would think, and that's just common sense!
:'''Ollie''': Oh, yeah yeah yeah, oh yeah, ''&quot;I'm Geoff Average, and I think the same as everybody else cos I'm Mr Average Normal Bloke and everybody thinks like me cos I work in IT, and on the weekends I pop a few pills and do a bit of DJ-ing, y'know, spare cash cos I'm a single mum and I'm a member of the [[wikipedia:National_Trust_for_Places_of_Historic_Interest_or_Natural_Beauty|National Trust]], I enjoy any sports on TV, anything with Colin Firth, I enjoy domestic violence and sun-dried fucking...karaoke.&quot;'' Not everybody is the same, Glenn! People can surprise you!
:'''Glenn:''' Was that good-natured joshing?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is still working late at night in his office, eating a piece of fruit, when his cell phone rings.) 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering the call)'' Tucker. 
:'''Simon Hewitt:''' Malcolm, uh...hope I didn't wake you up. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(spitting)'' Hewitt. 
:'''Simon:''' Yeah, I'm doing a piece this Sunday, a big piece on focus groups. It's sort of inspired by your latest policy disaster. I'm gonna be concentrating on how your man Abbot can't do a single thing without focus groups. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(clearly unmoved)'' I'm shaking with fear. 
:'''Simon:''' Yeah, well, that's sexual jealousy. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're so very very witty. Pity none of it ever makes it into your columns. 
:'''Simon:''' Listen, I'd love to spend the rest of the evening listening to you, but I've got better things to do.
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off back to your match reports, you twat! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' How fucked am I?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you look awful, you look terrible. I mean, you often look quite bad, but...
:'''Hugh:''' I mean, in terms of negative publicity. On the fuckometer, where am I?
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, 12.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 12, say.
:'''Hugh:''' Out of what?
:'''Glenn:''' Er... 50.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh. Mine was out of ten.
:'''Hugh:''' Right, ''(to Glenn)'' so I'm 24% fucked according to you, ''(to Ollie)'' but according to you I'm 120% fucked?
:'''Ollie:''' Um, yeah, I didn't...
:''(But before Ollie can finish his thought, Terri enters the office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, have you got anything for us? 
:'''Terri:''' Well, I can't ask them to drop the piece. It would make us look pathetic. 
:'''Hugh:''' Terri, I don't mean to come across all Mr. Gradgrind, but this is your job, isn't it? Sorting out the press? This is what you do for a living? 
:'''Terri:''' This is Malcolm's problem, anyway. He's the one who took it over. It's him that spun that...
:''(Before Terri can finish her point, Malcolm enters the room and takes charge.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right, listen up, this is what we're gonna do. I'm bringing forward Hugh's interview with Angela to this afternoon. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It goes out as a spoiler tomorrow morning. That way, we can get our side of the story across and also piss all over Simon Hewitt's corn flakes, sadly only metaphorically, yeah? Right, okay. Ollie, call Heaney. Terri, get on to her editor. Glenn, book her room. [[wikipedia:The_Professionals_(TV_series)|Bodie, Doyle, you go round the back]].
:''(The other 4 are confused by Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' At times of stress, I make jokes! 
:''(Glenn, Terri and Ollie go about their business.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right, um...What do I do? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sit down in front of the TV with me. You're gonna watch that Zeitgeist tape now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are in Hugh's office watching The Bill on tape. Hugh is sort of dozing off to sleep, when all of a sudden...he wakes up to see Mary, the Focus Group Superstar, in the show!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, but people watch it. This gets 6,000,000. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' She's an actress. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Who? 
:'''Hugh:''' Mary, from the focus group, she's an actress. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, relax, that doesn't matter. These focus groups, they do it all the time. If they're a bit short on numbers, they bung in a couple of actors. It doesn't matter because it's a focus group - key word, &quot;group.&quot; 
:''(Hugh's trying to find a solution to his problem...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Ooh, I've just remembered. Um...can you just... 
:'''Malcolm:''' Should I pause it? 
:'''Hugh:''' If you could pause it for a second, I'll be...I'm sorry, I'll just be back in a sec. 
:''(Hugh rushes to get help from Glenn. Hugh has to whisper to Glenn so Malcolm doesn't hear anything.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn? 
:'''Glenn:''' What?  
:'''Hugh:''' I've got a bit of a problem. You remember Mary from the focus group?  
:'''Glenn:''' What, Miss, uh, Immaculate Bloody Conception?  
:'''Hugh:''' She's an actress.  
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean?  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean she's – No, there's no clearer way of saying it, she's an actress.  
:'''Glenn:''' Are you sure?  
:'''Hugh:''' I've just seen her, she's in ''[[wikipedia:The_Bill|The fucking Bill]]''!  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus! Look, this doesn't necessarily have to be a total fucking disaster.  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, I think it does, because she wasn't for real, she's not really, uh, a stay-at-home [[wikipedia:Middle_England|Middle England]] housewife, she-she's just playing a part, so what she said wasn't, you know –  
:''(Hugh and Glenn walk past Terri, who is on the phone.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yeah, I do know.  
:'''Terri:''' What, who said what wasn't what?  
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' We are organising focus groups to listen to the opinions of ordinary people, except they're ''not'' ordinary people! They're fucking actors, so they're not technically people at all!  
:''(Glenn and Hugh go to Ollie's desk.)''  
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Can I get back to you?  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' What is it?  
:'''Glenn:''' Your fucking legend is a fucking actress!  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, 'cause the focus group companies do it all the time. If they can't cobble together, you know, the right cross-section, they call a casting agency –  
:'''Glenn:''' Dial-an-opinion, is it? 'Send me three liberals, two fucking mavericks and a racist.' Brilliant, Ollie! Brilliant!
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering)'' We've based the whole thing on her! Just her! Her alone! 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't you see? Why didn't you run it past me for once? 
:''(Hugh storms off towards a nearby cupboard.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(still whispering)'' Shit! Shit! 
:''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri continue whispering argumentatively.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' It's not real! 
:'''Terri:''' I thought I recognized her. You know, she was in ''[[wikipedia:Midsomer Murders|Midsomer Murders]]''. 
:'''Glenn:''' Why didn't you say anything? 
:'''Terri:''' I saw her in ''Midsomer Murders''. I thought she might've had a twin or something. 
:'''Glenn:''' What a stupid thing to...
:''(While Glenn, Terri and Ollie continue arguing, Hugh sulks silently in the cupboard.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck! Fuck! 
:''(But as soon as Hugh starts banging things and making noise, somebody opens the cupboard door: It's Malcolm...and he's not happy.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You said 'she.' 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Come out of the cupboard, Hugh. 
:'''Hugh:''' No. 
:''(Malcolm enters the cupboard.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, we have to sort this out. When I asked you about the focus group – 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' – you said 'she' loved it.  
:'''Hugh:''' We gave her a one-on-one.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Why?  
:'''Hugh:''' She's Middle England.  
:'''Malcolm:''' So Middle England is a big fucking field, with ''one woman'' standing in it?  
:'''Hugh:''' Do you think Hewitt will find out?  
:'''Malcolm:''' OF COURSE HE FUCKING WILL, SHE'S HIS MOLE! THAT'S WHY HE'S GOT A PIECE IN THE PAPER TOMORROW! 
:''(Malcolm leaves the cupboard, with Hugh right behind him.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn, Ollie, Terri and Hugh)'' We've got to shut this down now, right? I want this leaked to Angela Heaney. It's damage control, OK? We put out the story the way ''we'' want it, before Hewitt fucks us up the bugle! Get onto it, now!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are trying to defend themselves. Terri's on the phone trying to contact Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Hugh:''' I didn't know that she's an actress! 
:'''Glenn:''' No, exactly! We, we've been lied to! We've been abused! We are the victims of abuse! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(holding the phone)'' Ollie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Shut up! 
:'''Terri:''' Can you call her? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, I'll call her! 
:''(Malcolm re-enters the picture.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How could I know you are a broken vase?
:'''Hugh:''' What the fuck are you talking about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're a broken vase! 
:'''Hugh:''' How do I know she's an actress? I never watch television! That's why you have to give me a stupid tape! 
:''(Hugh comes up with a plan...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Listen, we're gonna get her in, we're gonna talk to her, she'll meet us...I will talk to her because I'm good with people. She can help us, she'll see our point of view, we'll be fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I hope so. I hope that's what gonna happen. 
:'''Ollie:''' Or we kill her. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Later that night, Malcolm, Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are talking to Mary. They're discussing what's going to happen because of her being an actress in a focus group.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mary)'' Do you just want to think about what is going to happen tomorrow? 
:'''Hugh:''' Because tomorrow, you are gonna find the press all over you –  
:'''Mary:''' In a good way?  
:'''Hugh:''' No, not in a good way at all, I can tell you –  
:'''Malcolm:''' You know that film ''[[Notting Hill]]'', have you seen that?  
:'''Glenn:''' She's probably fucking in it.  
:'''Malcolm:''' You know that bit where the guy opens the door –  
:'''Mary:''' What is this?  
:'''Malcolm:''' – and there's like millions of journalists and hacks and photographers and all flashbulbs are going off? In about four hours time, that's gonna be you, darling: they're gonna be all over you like fucking cockroaches.  
:'''Hugh''' ''(trying to comfort Mary)'': It's OK, it's OK.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no no no no no no, it's NOT OK! It's not gonna be OK, and I'll tell you why: Because you're fair game. So I hope your knickers are clean. Because every seat-sniffing little shitbag that's ever filed a byline is gonna be questioning you. 'Cause now, it's in the fucking public interest, isn't it? And they're gonna hit you with any shit they can find and you're gonna be spread out there in front of them like a trollop in the [[wikipedia:Stocks|stocks]]!
:'''Mary:''' I still don't really understand what's going on. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can hold those dogs back, right?  
:'''Mary:''' What do you mean? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice journalist, yeah? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, exactly. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice young journalist, Angela Heaney...and maybe you...maybe you, I mean I don't know what shit that he made you sign, but whatever it was, it was bullshit. Maybe if you just say that, you know, uh, you were misquoted and also that Simon Hewitt's a prick, right? If you just said that...
:'''Mary:''' Who? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, the journalist that you told your story to. 
:'''Mary:''' I, I didn't...I didn't talk to any journalist. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You spoke to Simon Hewitt. 
:'''Mary:''' No, I...
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking spoke to Simon Hewitt, he's a fat guy with a tiny little dick the size of a bookie's biro. You fucking spoke to him. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(getting mad)'' I'd like to go now! 
:''(Now, ALL the guys are shouting!)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you speak to Simon Hewitt? 
:'''Mary:''' No! I don't even know...
:'''Hugh:''' You didn't speak to him. 
:'''Malcolm:''' She didn't fucking speak to him. 
:''(The guys are starting to realize that Mary's telling the truth.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' I don't know anyone called...Simon...whatever the fuck.
:''(Malcolm starts yelling under his breath.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Hewitt. 
:'''Mary:''' Hewitt, yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' She doesn't even know! ''(to Malcolm)'' Malcolm...Fuck's sake! 
:'''Mary:''' ''(talking about Malcolm)'' What's the matter with him? 
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie. ''(Glenn's motioning to Ollie to take Mary out of the room.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Mary)'' Sorry for anything I said that might have upset you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(trying to apologize to Mary)'' Sorry, darling. Sorry, love. Just been crossed lines, darling. Sorry about that...
:'''Mary:''' Will you leave me alone? 
:''(Ollie escorts Mary, who's understandably upset, out of the room.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' '''''FOR FUCK'S SAKE!''''' 
:'''Glenn:''' She didn't even know! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck him! 
:'''Hugh:''' That didn't really work, did it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Is it too late...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(confused and stunned)'' So can I just get this, this straight, just for my, just for my own sanity... 
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, if we get on the phone, can we pull the front page?  
:'''Hugh:''' No. It's too late.  
:'''Glenn:''' You mean Heaney's piece is gonna go ahead anyway now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it's gonna fucking go ahead! I mean, I'm good but I can't fucking hold back the tide, can I? Alright, that's it. That's it. I'm going to bed. 
:'''Hugh:''' Kind of ironic, really...
:'''Malcolm:''' You're fucking on your own! ''(Malcolm angrily leaves, slamming the door.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ...because she, she hasn't actually spoken to, to Hewitt, uh...and we've, of our own volition, voluntarily released the story to the, to the press...unnecessarily. Um...Damn. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Can you wake me in a couple of hours? ''(Hugh lies down on a sofa)'' There's no time to go home, I'll just pass myself coming back in.

==Series 1, Episode 3==
:'''Terri:''' Did you say we were gonna do a press release? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, erm, &quot;Following a successful report stage debate, Secretary of State for Social Affairs, Hugh Abbot, today announced: 'I'm the fucking daddy!'&quot;&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Dan Miller:''' How are you, Glenn?
:'''Glenn:''' I'm good, thank you – Actually, I just thought you were very heavy-handed with the backbenchers. No need for it in this day and age.
:'''Dan Miller:''' Listen, Glenn. I mean, you know as well as I do, if you're going to make an omelette, you're going to have to have some frank and honest discussion with the eggs. And that's all I was doing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is in his office on his desk phone, trying to explain himself to a fellow government official.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not complacent, Tom. ''(beat)'' Yeah, I know we did take a hit over the-the-the focus group thing, but it wasn't a ''big'' hit. ''(beat)'' Oh yeah? Says who? ''(beat)'' Oh, the prime minister told you that, huh? Well, get you. ''(beat)'' Look, I can only cook with what I've been given. You know, it's like ''[[wikipedia:Ready Steady Cook|Ready Steady Cook]].'' You give me Hugh Abbot, I'll give you bangers and mash. But if you give me Gerry from the Home Office, well then, I can raise it to fucking risotto and scallops. Do you know what I mean? ''(beat)'' Yeah yeah yeah. Ok, ok. Ok, bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(looking at Hugh's tie)''
:'''Glenn:''' What are those? They're little hippos, aren't they?
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know what they are actually; I think they're just unidentified amusing creatures.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' So what time does this ''[[w:Daily Mail|Daily Mail]]'' hack get here?
:'''Glenn:''' Ten minutes, it's Angela Heaney, didn't I tell you?
:'''Hugh:''' So she left the ''[[w:Evening Standard|Standard]]''?
:'''Glenn:''' That's right, absolutely.
:'''Hugh:''' Go on then: ask me some questions.
:'''Glenn:''' Right, OK, I'll be Angela Heaney, and I'll ask you some questions.
:'''Hugh:''' My God, that's uncanny. Mind you, your tits are a bit bigger than hers.
:'''Glenn:''' Is it true that, although this Housing Bill went through Parliament with incredible ease –
:'''Hugh:''' Actually, can you just do it as yourself? Sorry, it's just slightly unsettling.
:'''Glenn:''' Right, erm – that you'll find a lot of difficulty in the real world?
:'''Hugh:''' On the contrary, this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large number of people. Ordinary people, but ordinary people who ''deserve'' a little bit of the extraordinary in their lives.
:''(both start giggling)''
:'''Glenn:''' Perfect. That's brilliant. That's brilliant!
:'''Hugh:''' It's a piece of piss.
:'''Glenn:''' There you are, you see.
:'''Hugh:''' Go on, ask me something hard.
:'''Glenn:''' Where's the [[w:Nazi gold|Nazi gold]], you donkey-shagger?
:'''Hugh:''' I'm very pleased you asked me that, Angela, because let me just say right away that this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large –
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office, on his mobile)'': Hi Tom, what can I do for you? ''(beat)'' Well, I-I didn't know what he was doing with his flat – I told him that fucking flat w– Well, they're not running with this – No, well, I know, he's got-he's got an interview now with that-that-that Angela Heaney, you know, the twat bubble from the ''Standard'' – Fuck, she's just gone to the ''Mail''. I'm onto it. ''(Malcolm hangs up and leaves his office.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(After a LOT of running, Malcolm finally arrives at the floor where Hugh is talking to Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' WHERE THE FUCK IS HE??? 
:'''Ollie:''' He's in the goldfish bowl!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Hugh is still talking to Angela.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' No, no. Look, I'm very glad you brought that up, because that -- gives me...that gives me the opportunity to...Sorry...I...''(Hugh's looking at Malcolm through the 'goldfish bowl')'' Just mucking about...Um...
:'''Hugh:''' I have always maintained very clearly...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the door)'' Hi, Angela. Sorry, sorry, sorry, can I just borrow the Minister for a moment? 
:'''Hugh:''' Sure. Sorry, be right back with you. 
:''(Barely audible, outside the 'goldfish bowl' where Angela was interviewing Hugh...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' They're running about your fucking flat, I fucking told you about that. How the fuck did you think it was gonna run, you STUPID CUNT?! How am I supposed to control what's going on if I don't know WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? YOU'RE A FUCKING PRICK! AN ABSOLUTE CUNT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
:''(While Malcolm is still yelling at Hugh, Terri opens the door to the &quot;Goldfish Bowl.&quot; She comes in and offers to get Angela some goodies.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Angela, can I get you a fresh cup of coffee? 
:'''Angela:''' No, I'm fine, thanks. 
:'''Terri:''' Um, would you like some tea? 
:'''Angela:''' Nope, nope. 
:'''Terri:''' No biscuits or anything? 
:'''Angela:''' No. 
:'''Terri:''' Do let me know if you need anything else. 
:'''Angela:''' I will. Thanks very much. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' GET BACK IN THERE AND WRAP THIS BULLSHIT UP! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh re-enters the 'goldfish bowl'...)
:'''Hugh:''' Ah. Hah! Bit of a disagreement. 
:'''Angela:''' Blimey. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. Um, could you...I'm just curious, could you hear? Because we were actually...We can be quite brutal to each other, because we're actually very, very good, good friends.
:'''Angela:''' Right.   
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Moments later, Malcolm is in Hugh's office, arguing with Glenn and Ollie over the scandal involving Hugh and his flat.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn)'' You haven't been accepting ''any'' offers?
:'''Glenn:''' NO! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus...
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that wasn't the point! The whole deal was we put the flat on the market so if the press are asking us, we say, &quot;Fuck off, he's selling it!&quot; They'll go away and then, you know, Hugh's got a place in town! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What the fuck is your girlfriend doing hitting us with this, huh? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my girlfriend, Malcolm. So I've no idea. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well you won't mind if I kill her then, will you? 
:'''Ollie:''' It'd solve a lot of issues for me, to be honest with you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey! Hey hey hey, if you could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into dropping us you'd be sweet to me, you'd be very very sweet –
:'''Ollie:''' If I could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into anything I would have had a more comfortable four months –
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah well, I'll just have to kill the both of you then, won't I?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well.
:'''Malcolm:''' That's a joke, by the way, not a very nice one, a nasty one which masks a lot of very negative feelings about this fucking department.
:''(Malcolm's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (looking at his phone)'' Oh, Jesus. Tom Davies. ''(answering)'' Tom! Hello, how are you? Yes. No no, he was already there when I got there, he was talking to her. ''(Malcolm leaves Hugh's office.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh re-enters the office as he and his team try to create an emergency strategy of sorts.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' What is happening? 
:'''Ollie:''' What the hell was that? 
:'''Hugh:''' What is happening? That was supposed-that was supposed to be a nice interview. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' What on Earth did you say to her? 
:'''Hugh:''' I think-I think I denied being a racist. I hope so. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You didn't say that you have lots of black friends, you didn't go...
:'''Hugh:''' Of course not. Well, I haven't-I haven't got any. 
:'''Ollie:''' What did you say about the offers? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(stammering)'' I-I-I said I wasn't, I wasn't...someone else was handling the sale and I wasn't aware of any offers. 
:'''Glenn:''' Hugh?
:'''Hugh:''' Hmm? 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you mention me by name? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(still stammering)'' Um, possibly -- No, I-I don't think -- I-I may in between denying racism, possibly have, yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(displeased)'' Thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks a fucking bunch! 
:''(Terri enters the office.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' OK, so what's the line on this then? 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. What is-what is the line on this? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, still upset)'' I don't know! Don't look at me! 
:'''Hugh:''' But we need to have a line on this.
:''(Malcolm re-enters the office with some surprise news.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, we've got movement, we got a break. 
:'''Glenn:''' What? What? What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' The flat's sold. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(in disbelief)'' ''WHAT?'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' To the Asian family, for 40 grand below the asking price. But that's alright.
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''WHAT IS HAPPENING?!'' 
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? 
:'''Terri:''' We're too late. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? 
:'''Terri:''' All the papers have got a hold of it. The ''Express'' has been making offers on it, at the asking price and also £30,000 more. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(stunned)'' Jesus...
:'''Terri:''' Haven't been accepted. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We've got to stall. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is madness! I just own a flat, I haven't raped somebody! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' Yeah, they're calling the scandal &quot;Flatgate.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' ''Scandal?!'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Flatgate?!
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that's crap. It's a crap name for a scandal. 
:'''Terri:''' They should call it &quot;Notting Hill Gate-gate.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' Can we at least stop calling it a scandal? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri, unamused)'' Are you joking? Are you joking now? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(leaving the office)'' On my way to stall. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get stalling. 
:''(A moment of silence...and then...)''
:'''Hugh:''' Maybe we can just blame it all on Terri.
:'''Glenn:''' That is an option, isn't it? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The next day, Hugh is in Malcolm's office...arguing about &quot;Flatgate.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' It's a flat! 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is a second home! In a borough with thousands of homeless people that you have kept more or less empty for ages! Have you not read your own Housing Bill, for God's sake? 
:'''Hugh:''' It wasn't-I only kept it empty for a little while to see my bloody family. Obviously, on reflection, I should have filled it with prostitutes and, and rent boys and crack cocaine pimp tattoo freaks. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Thanks to Dan Miller and his like, the Housing Bill is a success, but this is ''burying'' the whole thing! 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, what do you want ''me'' to do? ''Resign?'' ''(Malcolm stares at him)'' No, no! No, that is – I'm not going over this.
:'''Malcolm:''' The way out of this situation is for you to –  
:'''Hugh:''' This is madness, Malcolm, this desire for perfection, that – I am not perfect, I am just a person, right? I need to sleep, I need to eat, occasionally I need to take a dump. So, I mean, what's next, I mean, do we put that on the evening news, on the front page? &quot;Minister is disgusting defecation outburst&quot;. [[wikipedia:Mollie_Sugden|Mollie Sugden]] at Number 10: &quot;Did you enjoy your shit, Mr Abbot?&quot; They should just clone ministers, you know, so we're born at 55, with no past, and no flats, and no genitals. Just a world of robots in a sort of – It's like a futuristic film, and you'd enjoy that, wouldn't you? You'd be in your little space station surrounded by obedient androids, like that fucking brushed-aluminium Dan Miller cyber-prick!  
:'''Malcolm:''' It ''is'' possible to have a good resignation, you know!
:'''Hugh:''' ''A good resignation?'' Oh, I'm looking forward to how you're gonna sell ''this'' to me!
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, people really like it when you go just a bit early! You know, steely-jawed, faraway look in your eyes! Before they're getting to the point when they're sitting round in the pub saying &quot;Oh, that fucker's got to go&quot;, you ''surprise'' them! &quot;''Blimey'', he's gone, I didn't expect that! Resigned? You don't see that much anymore! Old school! Respect! I rather liked the guy! He was hounded out by the fucking press!&quot; How about that, huh? What a way to go, yeah?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' You know, I'm just the counter man in [[w:McDonalds|McDonald's]], I'm not that important, frankly; you're the clown running the shop, you're the one that they want to see strung up from a lamppost by his fucking wig.
:'''Glenn:''' What does that make me?
:'''Ollie:''' [[w:Ronald McDonald|Ronald McDonald]].
:'''Glenn:''' Well, fuck off!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' &quot;Department of Social Affairs&quot;, Department of Fucking Shocking, Shitty, Charlatan, ''Shits!'' That's what – ''(to Ollie)'' Feet off the furniture, you [[wikipedia:Oxbridge|Oxbridge]] twat! You're no' on a [[wikipedia:Punt_(boat)#Punting_in_England|punt]] now.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''' ''(to Dan Miller)'': I've missed my ideal resigning point. With every day I delay, it's another year before I can get back again. If I had resigned the day I was appointed, I'd actually be Prime Minister by now.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Social Affairs, what the fuck does that actually mean? You know, it's so vague. You know, 'Hello, I'm Hugh Abbot, the Minister for, I dunno, stuff'.

==Series 2, Episode 1==
:''(Ollie has had sex with Emma. And he realizes the whole office knows about it -- much to his dismay.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Terri, is, uh -- ''(Ollie instead sees Robyn Murdoch.)'' Oh, hello, Robyn. Where's Terri? Is she not...
:'''Robyn Murdoch:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, morning, Mr. Lover-Loverman! 
:'''Ollie:''' Does -- Does nobody else ever shag anybody else in Westminster? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(pretending to be seductive)'' ''Hey, Horatio!'' ''(beat)'' How's it hanging? 
:'''Ollie:''' It's hanging fine. 
:'''Glenn:''' Sleeping with the opposition, I hear, hey? 
:'''Ollie:''' Not all of them. 
:'''Glenn:''' What do they do? Do they keep a tight hold on the fiscal, um, the fiscal, you know, um...
:'''Ollie:''' Scrotum? What? What? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(beside himself)'' Shagging the opposition. Never would have happened in my day. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my opposite number, Glenn. 'Cause Levitt has gone to Shadow Defence, so she's doing Shadow Defence, so she's no longer Social Affairs, so...
:'''Glenn:''' Did you manage to do some good while you were there and steal a few policy papers? 
:'''Ollie:''' It's hard to know why you're so unsuccessful with the opposite sex. I'll tell you what, though...
:'''Glenn:''' I never fucked Terri. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Terri. Did you not know? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's, um...
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's what? 
:'''Ollie:''' Binned her. She's gone. 
:'''Glenn:''' You're jo...
:''(At this moment, Hugh enters the office -- and even HE knows about Ollie's night of romance with Emma!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Morning, studmuffin. Enjoy your walk on the wild side? How was your dip in the wild blue – pussy?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Hugh, I have some wonderful news for you. Terri's gone. 
:'''Hugh:''' What? 
:'''Glenn:''' Terri. Terri's gone. 
:'''Hugh:''' What do you mean &quot;gone?&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. A resignation bluff that went awry. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(very happy)'' NO! YES! OH, RESULT! WHOO! WHOO! ALL RIGHT! COME ON! HIGH FIVE! 
:''(But Robyn comes into the office to deliver some sad news about Terri's father.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Secretary of State, um, just to let you know, Terri's father's, uh, had a stroke. It's pretty serious, um, so she's gonna be gone quite awhile. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(much more sympathetic)'' I'm...Oh dear, that's awful. I'm so sorry. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm and his second-in-command, Jamie, are having a good, lively talk while walking to Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Where's Neil?
:'''Malcolm:''' Leicester, poor fucker. You'd think that once you'd achieved a certain status, you might have been excused visiting Leicester, wouldn't you? 
:'''Jamie:''' Have you seen the whips' numbers?
:'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP.
:'''Jamie:''' Eh?
:'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP, N-O-M-F-P, Not My Fucking Problem – I quite liked that, did you like that? 
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah, it's very good.
:'''Malcolm:''' I think I'll use that quite a lot today.
:'''Jamie:''' I'll use it as well.
:''(Malcolm spots a journalist he's very happy with for doing a good profile on a government Minister.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the journalist)'' OH HO HO! Well done with Fatty's profile. Very very good. I nearly liked the enormous fucker reading it. 
:''(Malcolm and Jamie continue their conversation.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' What if the MOD breaks tonight? What I'm hearing is the overspend's getting more brutal by the hour. ''(Both men enter Malcolm's office.)'' They're talking about topping off at one-one and a half billion. Obviously, that's a lot of nurses. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Or one fantastically enormous robotic one, yeah? 
:'''Jamie:''' Obviously, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' And how's the Minister? 
:'''Jamie:''' He's shitting himself. ''(laughs)'' He's practically kissing his driver goodbye. He said he felt like he was &quot;in the Twin Towers on 9/11, just fucking waiting.&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, for fuck's sake. But everybody knows their lines, yeah? IT projects always overspend. 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, yeah, yeah. 
:''(Malcolm's loyal personal assistant, Sam, enters the office. She has some papers for Malcolm to look over and sign.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Sam)'' Do you think you could manage to get me a decent cup of tea? Would that be possible? 
:''(Sam readily agrees.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Thank you. Try not to drip in it. 
:''(After Sam leaves the office, Malcolm continues his chat with Jamie.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Jamie)'' I tell you the thing that's worrying me is, er – is this dodgy?
:'''Jamie:''' I don't know. The kid's firm was the second lowest bid. He says they never talked. What does it matter?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, but you know me, I'm a man of principle.
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know.
:'''Malcolm:''' I like to know whether I'm lying to save the skin of a tosser or a moron. 
:'''Jamie:''' Probably a moron.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is preparing for his trip to Number 10 in Hugh's office.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(looking at Ollie's cell phone)'' Is this yours? Is this new? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. I thought I'd get it for Number 10. 
:'''Hugh:''' It's got a camera on it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Yeah, it's on the back. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Happy slap him. Go on. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How do you know about happy slapping? How do ''you'' begin to know about...
:''(But before Ollie could finish the question, Glenn gives Ollie a &quot;Happy Slap&quot; upside the head!)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Hang on, I missed it. No, will you do it again? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' That's assault. 
:''(Glenn happy slaps Ollie again.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off, will you? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' No, listen, it's all right, we can doctor the crime figures. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I really like this! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll punch you in your substantial gut. 
:''(And then, Robyn gives Ollie a happy slap, too!)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Fucking hell, Robyn! You little fucker! 
:''(Hugh and Glenn are laughing at Ollie's expense. Then, after the laughter dies down, the 2 of them decide to take a selfie of themselves on Ollie's cell phone.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' We should take one of us, so he's got something to remember us by. 
:''(Glenn takes the pic.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Because, you know, at the end of the week, you're gonna be head of the Policy Unit. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, then you'll both be out. 
:'''Hugh:''' Giving head to the Policy Unit. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Hugh, can we, uh, do the prep for the factory visit now? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' We're gonna get there at about 12, 12:30, okay? 
:'''Ollie:''' Forgot the, um...
:''(Ollie picks up something from Hugh's desk -- and then gives Glenn a happy slap upside his head! Then, Ollie leaves.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Stupid boy. 
:'''Hugh:''' That ''was'' funny.
:'''Glenn:''' That was funny?
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah.
:'''Glenn:''' I don't think it was funny.
:'''Hugh:''' I'm an elected representative of the people.
:'''Glenn:''' Yes? 
:'''Hugh:''' It was funny.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As Ollie is waiting outside Malcolm's office, Malcolm is yelling out for Sam again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' SAM! 
:''(Sam comes toward Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, a coffee and a fucking skinny muffin, if that's possible. ''(Malcolm then sees Ollie.)'' What the fuck are ''you'' doing ''here?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' I thought you said today, Malcolm. Did you not say...
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean what are you doing there? Come on! 
:'''Ollie:''' All right, sorry. I just didn't want to interrupt you, I never know what you're doing in your –
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well if the PM's giving me a blowjob I always put a sign up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Robyn Murdoch is a senior press secretary for the Department of Social Affairs. She is traveling with Glenn and Hugh to their factory visit.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' I've confirmed that they'll definitely be a regional news team filming our arrival, plus there will be four local papers. 
:'''Hugh:''' Regional news? 
:'''Glenn:''' No nationals? 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, this is very much a regional event. You know, I didn't think that... 
:'''Hugh:''' Robyn, all events are regional, hmm? Everything that happens in the world has to happen somewhere. Do you see? Even JFK's assassination was a regional event. But it was also very important. Hmm? Like this factory visit? You see that?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff Holhurst)'' How much fucking shit is there on the menu, and ''what fucking FLAVOUR is it?''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Oh, Malcolm? No no, that's – I'm in a Scottish restaurant, some man's complaining 'cause they've under-fried his Mars Bar – yeah, of course it's Malcolm! ''(beat)'' Well, Malcolm's all sound major. That's him every day. It's like this furnace of shit. It's not -- it's not good for my system. 
:'''Geoff Holhurst:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Christian's firm put in the second lowest tender. That's Point 1. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Do you fancy meeting up? Maybe tomorrow night? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff)'' You're ''worse'' than dead meat. I don't know why you're laughing. You're too toxic to even feed to the vultures. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Robyn, and Glenn arrive at the factory for their visit. Hugh gets out of the car first so he can say hello to the factory's employees.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Hello. Hello, Hugh Abbot. Nice to meet you. Hello. 
:''(But as soon as he starts saying hello to the employees, Hugh is caught off guard by a surprise confrontation from one of the workers!)''
:'''Factory Woman:''' Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry? 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Do you? I mean, she was in that home for 16 weeks. Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's, that's, that's very tough, isn't it? That's very, very tough, and our hearts, all our hearts, go out to you. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' But do you know what it's like to get down and clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' I-I think that I'm probably not the right person to talk to about this. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Who ''do'' I talk to? 
:'''Hugh:''' Urinary and affairs like that are probably more, more Health. So anyway, lovely to talk to you... 
:''(Hugh turns his attention away from the woman and towards the factory, talking to a factory supervisor.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' What a fantastic -- What a fantastic landscaping! I really do think it makes an enormous difference to the workplace when you have this relationship with...
:''(But the Factory Woman won't let up.)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' But is that your answer? Is that your answer?
:'''Hugh:''' Can I just say, we'll get someone to, to note your, your case and do what we can about it. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' You'll get someone to note my case?! ''Nobody's'' noted my case! 
:''(And when she sees Hugh touching her arm, she REALLY gets livid!)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' STOP IT DON'T TOUCH ME! WHAT ARE YOU TOUCHING ME FOR? YOU DON'T KNOW ME! YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW ME, DO YOU?
:'''Hugh:''' (stammering) I know, I do want, I would like to get to know you. I've just...
:'''Factory Woman:''' OH, WHY ARE YOU WALKING AWAY FROM ME, THEN? Would you like to know the facts? I'll tell you about the facts. 
:'''Glenn:''' The minister would love to know the facts. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' There are two qualified nurses out of all those care assistants. Only two! 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, quietly)'' Give her a smile...
:'''Factory Woman:''' The rest are only kids! 
:''(Hugh gives the Factory Woman a sheepish smile, but that just makes the situation worse...)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' WHAT ARE YOU SMILING AT? WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? DO YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY? DO YOU THINK I'M FUNNY? DO YOU THINK MY MOTHER'S PISS IS FUNNY? WELL, IT'S NOT FUNNY! SHE'S NOT LAUGHING! SHE'S PISSING HERSELF! I'M NOT LAUGHING! I'M CRYING! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(A short while later, Hugh, who is on a higher level in the factory, is talking to Glenn on his cell phone. Glenn is on the ground level...and that pesky Factory Woman is screaming right at him!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn? Is she still saying it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh God, yes. (Glenn turns to the Factory Woman.) Would you please just give me a moment? 
:''(Glenn continues his conversation with Hugh on his cell phone.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, she's banging on about it even now. The trouble is, Hugh, they reckon they've got some great shots. You know...
:'''Hugh:''' ''Great shots?''  
:'''Glenn:''' The thing is: Don't panic. 
:''(The Factory Woman finally gets more of her 2 cents in...)''
:'''Factory Woman:''' ...BECAUSE IT'S DISGUSTING! YOU CANNOT TREAT PEOPLE LIKE THIS! 
:''(Glenn's patience has finally run out.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE FUCKING MINUTE? I'm asking nicely. Please! 
:''(Glenn finishes his phone conversation with Hugh.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Now, Hugh -- look, I'm gonna have to hang up. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Did you enjoy that? Did you enjoy that? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile at Number 10, Malcolm and Jamie are having a stern chat with Geoff Holhurst's son, Christian.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian Holhurst)'' Your dad told us that he didn't know you worked for the company. You never told him.
:''(Ollie's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Ollie Reeder? ''(beat)'' Um -- Sorry, who is this? 
:'''Christian Holhurst:''' ''(to Jamie and Malcolm)'' Obviously, he knew, but...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, I've never cleaned up my own mother's piss. ''(Ollie's talking to the Factory Woman.)'' Sorry, what? Who-Who are you?
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' Well, you-you ''do'' talk to your dad? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Well, how did you get...
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' NO, YOU FUCKING DON'T! That is the wrong answer! The wrong fucking answer! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Please don't be aggressive. I will call back. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Christian)'' You tell your corporate affairs people. Otherwise, I'm gonna come over there and fucking maim every single fucking one of them. Okay? Good to see you. All right? Well done, Christian. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Malcolm has arrived at ITN, a news network, to meet Mark Davies, the news producer. Malcolm &amp; Mark are in the production room discussing footage of Hugh being confronted at the factory by the Factory Woman.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(introducing himself to Mark)'' Mark? Hi, Mark Davies? I'm Malcolm. We've spoken on the phone. 
:'''Mark Davies:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you mind if I pop in? It's just -- I was in seeing Pam. and everyone started talking about the Hugh thing. 
:'''Mark:''' Yes...
:''(Mark nods his head in agreement with Malcolm as they look at the footage.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you see what I have to work with? 
:'''Mark:''' I know, Malcolm. He doesn't look great, does he? 
:''(As they continue looking at the footage, Malcolm starts to attempt to play director.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' That shot, are you going to use that? 
:'''Mark:''' Malcolm. 
:''(Mark doesn't want Malcolm touching the equipment.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, sorry. 
:'''Mark:''' Don't touch that. 
:'''Malcolm:''' This isn't in the package, is it, Mark? 
:''(Sure enough, Malcolm's inner director starts channeling inside him again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' You're not using that. You can't use that. ''(to Mark)'' This is dumbing down of the news agenda that people like me and your boss's boss really object to. And I'm gonna mention this to him when I see him on Friday, by the way. 
:'''Mark:''' Malcolm, this is a traditional old-fashioned news story, called 'Minister looks a tit'.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, everybody looks a tit, you know? Take two of these shots of him looking moronic out. Leave a couple in of him looking a little bit dim, put one of him composed, drop it down the running order, and we've got a deal.
:'''Mark:''' I'm not – Deal, what deal, Malcolm? He looks a tit, that's it. I'm sorry.
:'''Malcolm:''' But there is a difference between allowing someone's natural tittishness to come through, and just exploiting it through camera work here! You're sticking one tit moment on top of another tit moment. That wouldn't happen in real life. And do you know about that woman? Have you made any inquiries into the background of that woman? 
:'''Mark:''' I'm sure my researchers have, yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Your researchers have? Well, well, I'm gonna tell you I don't think they have. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Stats, percentages, international comparison, information! Email them fucking WADS of information! And tell them they'd better get their heads around it before they put pen to paper, or I'll be up their arses like a fucking Biafran ferret, right? COME ON, UNLEASH HELL!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Sometimes I...You know, when you meet the real...the actual people...Don't you ever, I mean, just look at the little, beady eyes and mean mouths sort of sneering, and...I mean, I know this is what they think people like me think, so I hate thinking it, but I just find myself thinking they're from a different fucking species. You know, with their T-shirts and weird trousers and tabards. Why do they wear clothes with writing on them? And why are they so fucking fat?
:'''Glenn:''' I know, and stupid.
:'''Hugh:''' God, I hate this place.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie are about to give Ollie an important mission...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We need you to fuck Hugh for us. ''(beat)'' Okay? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(reluctantly)'' Okay. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I need you to go over to Mark Davies at ITN, right? They're 50/50 on bumping Hugh up to top of the bill with the Piss Woman, right? Can you sort that out for me? ''(Ollie agrees)'' Good lad. Okay, see you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(seeing a bag of chips from a bin on his chair)'' Oh nice, very nice.
:'''Jamie:''' WELL GO FOR FUCK'S SAKE, YOU BIG FUCKING PRICK! I'LL CUT YOUR FUCKING EARS OFF, WE NEED IT DONE!
:'''Ollie:''' When I met you this morning, I thought you were the nice Scot!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Fuck's sake. ''(Ollie answers his phone)'' Oliver Reeder.
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you sorted it, Ollie?
:'''Ollie:''' It's not quite sorted just yet, Malcolm, it's difficult –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shall I send Jamie over? Would you like that?
:'''Ollie:''' No, no –
:'''Malcolm:''' You and Jamie and a rubber truncheon, locked in that fucking newsroom together.
:'''Ollie:''' No, I'm fine.
:'''Malcolm:''' Then make me happy. Bring me sunshine.
:'''Ollie:''' Right, I'll make you happy, Malcolm. ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Dickwad. ''(Ollie's phone rings again. He answers it)'' Oliver Reeder.
:'''Jamie:''' Hey all right, shitebag, you done it yet?
:'''Ollie:''' I'm just in the middle of doing it right now, but every time I try –
:'''Jamie:''' WELL, FUCKING HURRY UP! GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE!
:'''Ollie:''' ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Fuck's sake! ''(His phone rings yet again. He answers)'' I'm fucking doing it! I'm just – Sorry Emma, yeah, hi. I'm stuck in that meeting about equal pay. It's just – it's gone over. But, uh, but - Hey, you know, tonight. Are we still on? ''(beat)'' Yeah. Yeah, ''Solaris,'' here we come. Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn are finally back from the disastrous factory visit, talking about...piss.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Have you, though? 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' Ever cleaned up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, I never knew my mother, Hugh. As you know. 
:'''Hugh:''' Sorry. Have you--have you ever cleaned up your stepmother's piss? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, I never cleaned her piss. It wasn't that kind of relationship. 
:'''Hugh:''' No, nor me. Though I have to say, I've done Alicia's piss and Charlie's piss. I mean, you know, loads, loads of it. But, you know, it's only piss. It's -- Yeah, thanks. I mean, she was going on as if it was some sort of toxic waste or something, but it's, what's a bit of piss? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In the Number 10 Newsroom, Malcolm and the team are about to watch the ITN News.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right, folks, here we go. 
:''(The top story on the news is about Hugh's disastrous factory visit.)'' 
:'''News Announcer:''' ''Tonight, dramatic pictures...''
:''(The newsroom office cheers.)''
:'''News Announcer:''' ''...of voter anger over the NHS.'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(happily)'' Anything other than Number One spot is a big win. 
:'''News Announcer:''' ''...spin doctor thought our tape had stopped running.'' 
:''(Sure enough, Ollie's cell phone pic of Glenn appears on the TV screen...with the sound of Glenn getting mad.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE F$%@#!G MINUTE?''
:'''Jamie:''' ''(quite amused)'' Oh oh oh, he is so fucked! ''(to Ollie)'' Hey, good photo. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well, you know, it's a good phone.
:'''Hugh:''' ''What fantastic landscaping...'' 
:''(More howls of laughter emanate from the newsroom.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Back at Hugh's office, Glenn is sitting in a chair beside himself. Hugh is pacing the floor.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Who do you think looked worse? You or me? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean, I looked bad, but you said bad. I suppose on balance, um, honestly...You, really. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(quiet, but annoyed)'' Great. 
:''(Glenn's cell phone rings.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh. Go away. 
:''(Glenn hangs up on the call...and after a few moments...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I don't know if I'm gonna survive this, Hugh. They're gonna be all over me like shingles. ''(Glenn's cell phone rings again.)'' They are all over me like shingles!
:''(Glenn hangs up on the call again...More awkward silence...)''
:'''Hugh:''' It'll be OK. 
:'''Glenn:''' Do you think? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, it'll probably be fine. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie has stopped answering his cell phone. Let's hear what his voicemails have to say.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Ollie, hi, it's Hugh. I just wanted to say thank you very very much. The way you shifted the spotlight onto Glenn was quite Tucker-esque, really very [[w:Machievelli|Malc-iavellian]], if you know what I mean. Well done, and bye bye.
:'''Factory Woman:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Hello, Ollie. Just seen myself on the news. Okay, let's get something done now. And, uh, I'll be phoning you every day until we do sort out my mother and her problem. Thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, don't worry about Malcolm, he's only about half as scary as he thinks he is. Well, here, you can have this desk, it's free.
:'''Ollie:''' OK.
:'''Jamie:''' Don't worry, she won't be coming back. Hey, Joe, Joe! This guy is your replacement. I'm not fucking joking, by the way. Ollie, this is Frankie. Frankie, this is Ollie. ''(Ollie extends his hand to Frankie, who ignores it)'' Frankie, I don't know what happened, but I somehow – you know those numbers I asked you for? I never found them on my desk. Maybe somebody stole them. Or, maybe, maybe, you're fucking me around. And if you fuck me around again, I'll tell you something: ''(laughs slightly)'' I am going to rip your fucking head off, and shit right down into your neck, ''(grabs Frankie's head)'' and then I'm going to stick your FUCKING head back on, and SHIT ON THAT!

==Series 2, Episode 2==
:''(At the start of this episode, Hugh is talking on his cell phone to someone about the impending &quot;Cabinet Reshuffle.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' No, Derek. I'm not presuming anything. It's entirely up to the PM. I'll just go wherever he wants me to go. I'm gonna have to go. Bye-bye. 
:''(Next, Hugh and Ollie, who's right behind him, both meet up with Robyn and congratulate her on getting a place at Malcolm's 8:30 press meeting.)''
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Good morning. 
:'''Robyn:''' ''(cheekily smiling)'' Morning, Minister. 
:'''Hugh:''' Are you just off to your 8:30 with Malcolm? 
:'''Robyn:''' Yep yep. 
:'''Hugh:''' First one? 
:'''Robyn:''' Into the Lion's Den, Viper's Pit. 
:'''Hugh:''' &quot;The Belly of the Beast, the Lair of the White Worm.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' The Eye of the Snake. 
:'''Hugh:''' Not all the departments get asked to the 8:30, so...
:'''Robyn:''' That's true. 
:'''Hugh:''' A great honor that we are in there with the big hitters. Always best to be inside the tent, pissing out. 
:'''Ollie:''' Absolutely. If you were, you know, doing this over at Environment and Rural Affairs, you'd be, uh, at 8:30 you'd be very much outside the tent, wouldn't you? Probably at Coffee Republic. 
:'''Hugh:''' Covered in piss. Good luck. You'll be fine. You don't need good luck. Yeah. 
:'''Robyn:''' What about the...piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(reassuring Robyn)'' No no no, it's just a figure of speech. 
:'''Robyn:''' I'd better go. 
:'''Ollie:''' See you later, Robyn. 
:'''Robyn:''' OK. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his cell phone)'' I'm sure there's a way of...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(chasing after Robyn)'' Robyn! 
:''(Hugh just remembered to ask Robyn a question.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Robyn)'' Robyn, sorry. Could you try and pick up any signals you can from Malcolm about -- about the, um...about the reshuffle? 
:'''Robyn:''' I've really got to go now, because I don't want to be late.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, God, don't be late!  
:'''Robyn:''' Apparently, they shout things at the last one in.  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(entering the scene)'' If anyone shouts at you, they'll have to answer to me. I'll box his ears. 
:''(Robyn leaves)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Box his ears? If that was flirting, that was absolutely crap.  
:'''Glenn:''' What?  
:'''Hugh:''' Box his ears? How long is it since you've had sex?   
:'''Glenn:''' That is between me and my internet service provider. Anyway, about this morning's –  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(chuckling)'' You've actually gone red, Glenn. Look at you.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, you have. Look, you've gone red.  
:'''Glenn:''' I have not gone red. ''(points to his folder)'' That's red.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah!   
:'''Hugh:''' Look, he can hardly walk properly.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker is having his 8:30 meeting with all the reporters and press officers from various government departments.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' Morning morning morning morning! 
:'''Everyone else:''' Morning. 
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, I want to have a little bit of a think about, um, some of our presentational issues with regard to yesterday. There seems to have been a bit of a problem last night with, uh, Liam on ''Newsnight.'' I would like to know why did we have a Minister on last night who did not appear to know their lines. 
:'''Reporter #1:''' It's not all his fault, Malcolm. We-we grilled him beforehand. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You grilled him? 
:'''Reporter #1:''' He's got a new baby. He's not getting enough sleep. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if he's got a new baby. I don't care whether he's tired. He looked like he didn't know what he was fucking talking about. Now I know he doesn't know what he's fucking talking about, but he's got to appear as if he does, right? ''(Malcolm starts pointing at all the reporters.)'' And that is your job and your job. ''(He continues pointing.)'' And yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours. With all due respect of ministers, give them the lines. Right? 
:'''Robyn:''' Give them all the lines to say? 
:''(Malcolm introduces the other reporters to Robyn.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the delightful Robyn. She's just with us today. She's standing in for, eh, Terri Coverley at the Department of, uh, Social Affairs. So let's be gentle with her, please. No remarks about the Department of Stuffed Anuses, or the Department of Stupid Announcements, or the Department of Sod All. ''(Laughter emanates from the room.)'' Right, next. 
:'''Robyn:''' Reshuffle? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Robyn, smiling)'' Yes, there is, uh, a pending reshuffle, I can see we're not gonna get anything past you! &quot;There was a young girl from DOSA, who helped herself to a samosa.&quot; ''(Malcolm jokingly makes a karate chop.)'' Argh! Next time I'll come up with something. Just a bit of fun. Um...Yes, the reshuffle. No, yes, well, definitely, we-we don't know anything. ''I'' don't know anything. So, um, we can't say anything. But you know, even if we did, we wouldn't. But we don't, so we both can't and won't. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(asked for a line about Julius Nicholson at his 8.30 meeting)'' 'Julius Nicholson is a hugely respected adviser. He now has a wide-ranging brief, and his blue-sky vision and helicopter thinking will enable this Government to go, in his own phrase, &quot;beyond delivery, and beyond that&quot;.' That's the line, OK? And if he does stick his baldy head round your door and comes up with some stupid idea about 'policemen's helmets should be yellow', or 'let's set up a department to count the moon', just treat him like someone with Alzheimer's disease, you know? Just say to him, &quot;Oh, yeah, that's lovely, that's good. We must talk about that later.&quot; OK?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh is now at Malcolm's office at Number 10. Hugh wants to talk to Malcolm about the impending reshuffle.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his mobile)'' In no way, shape or form is it gonna have any ''(knock at door)'' – Come the fuck in, or fuck the fuck off. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(entering)'' Well I'll come the fuck in then.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(back on his mobile)'' It's just something that Nicholson's flown, you know. It's a kind of brain exercise, like &quot;What would it be like if men had tits?&quot;, you know? [[wikipedia:Mark_Mardell|Mark Mardell]], yeah, ''(laughs)'' that's pretty good, actually. All right, then. See you, then. ''(hangs up)'' Hugh?  
:'''Hugh:''' I thought you would want to know as soon as possible.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What?   
:'''Hugh:''' Terri's dad.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah?   
:'''Hugh:''' No news at the moment.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, so you've come to talk about the reshuffle, yeah?  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I have.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? 
:'''Hugh:''' In terms of shuffley stuff, how is Neil? I mean, is his heart...
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you not heard? 
:'''Hugh:''' No. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' He's paralysed. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh no. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Neil's on wheels. 
:'''Hugh:''' You're kidding. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a vegetable. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh my God. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. 
:''(A lengthy silence follows...and then...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' That means you could have his department. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, you are kidding. Well, fuck you very much. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that you're looking for mouth-to-mouth in the reshuffle, but I don't know anything about it. I mean, the PM is still working it out on the back of a Coldplay CD as we speak.
:''(It's time to meet Julius Nicholson, the Advisor to the Prime Minister. Julius is now entering Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Julius Nicholson:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Are you in, sir? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Oh! Mr. Julius Nicholson. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(shaking Julius's hand)'' Hello, nice to see you again. 
:''(Hugh lets Julius have his seat, and Malcolm and Julius start up a conversation.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' What proposals have you got for us today? How about a ban on sand castles? 
:'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I just wanted to find out if you're coming to my FSG briefing this afternoon. 
:'''Malcolm:''' FSG briefing? 
:'''Julius:''' Forward Strategy Group, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know, Julius, I think I'm just gonna have to send one of the -- I'll send one of the boys. I have got so much work to do here, what with this, uh, the MOD...
:'''Julius:''' As the minister said to the prince, don't be surprised if we abolish you. I'll leave it with you. 
:''(Julius gets up and leave the office. Malcolm and Hugh resume their conversation.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' That was a bit, um...Are you all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(annoyed)'' I'm fucking all right. I can fucking look after myself. 
:'''Hugh:''' Under the spotlight now, aren't you? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, ''you'' should just watch your own back, what with the missus dripping poison into the big guy's ear about you. 
:'''Hugh:''' Missus? What missus? 
:'''Malcolm:''' The Prime Minister's missus. Oh, what? You don't know? She doesn't like the cut of your jib, son. 
:'''Hugh:''' She doesn't -- She's hardly ''seen'' my jib. I just had a conversation with her at the New Year's party, that's all. ''(beat)'' Why doesn't she like me? I mean, what's not to like? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you just didn't click. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(exasperated)'' We couldn't click! We were talking about the fucking Euro! How are you supposed to click over the Euro? It's fucking impossible. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't take it so personally.
:'''Hugh:''' You're telling me she doesn't like me as a person! How else am I supposed to take it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Robyn, can you send these back to archives, 'cause they're not even highlighted, I'm not going to plough through all that myself. While you're talking to them, I need the last four months of the European Digest. I'm going to be moving –   
:'''Robyn:''' Is it 'cause you fancy me, is that what this is all about?  
:'''Ollie:''' Sorry?  
:'''Robyn:''' Why are you so bloody rude to me? I mean, that's got to be the reason. Other people, when they come in here, they knock on the door and they say &quot;hello&quot;, &quot;good morning&quot;, &quot;thank you&quot; and &quot;nice top&quot; sometimes.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right, um, well, no. I mean, for a start, I don't fancy you. I don't know where you got that in your head, but it's probably best to get it out. If I'm slightly polite to you on a semi-regular basis, will that in any way bypass it?   
:'''Robyn:''' I think that would definitely do it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right, fantastic. Well, thank you very much for the work you do; hi, by the way, how are you?   
:'''Robyn:''' I'm really well, actually.  
:'''Ollie:''' Great, that's great; you look lovely; can I have the fucking Digest, please? That would be terrific.  
:'''Robyn:''' All you had to do was ask me.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, all I did do is ask. ''(Robyn bends down to get something)'' Phwoar! ''(She gets up and stares at Ollie)'' It was a joke.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;''
:''(Hugh and Ollie are discussing the latest Cabinet meeting.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' I did mention your great quiet carriages thing and he just – ''(pulls a slightly disgusted face)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Well what does that mean?  
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck knows what it means, but I don't think it means, &quot;Oh, Hugh, you're fantastic. Here, become Home Secretary&quot;. And even if it did mean that, when he's in bed tonight with Mrs PM, flossing, then she'll say, &quot;What do you mean, Hugh Abbot as Home Secretary? The man is a social spastic and very probably a registered nonce, darling.&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(This scene starts with Malcolm on his desk phone in his office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' This is just another example of thinking out of the box by someone who's clearly out of his fucking tree. 
:''(Someone's knocking on Malcolm's door -- and that someone is Julius Nicholson. Again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Alright, I've got to go. I'll talk to you later.
:'''Julius:''' ''(entering the office)'' Ah, Malcolm Tucker! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius Nicholson! What can I do you for? 
:''(Both men sit down in their chairs for a chat.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' I am keen to have a chat with, um, Keith Percival. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Uh, that won't be possible. 
:'''Julius:''' And I need to read the O'Rourke papers. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm afraid not. Anything else? 
:''(Uh-oh...this is gonna be a long, uncomfortable conversation.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' Look, Malcolm, you and I both know full well that my power and authority flows directly from the PM. If you've got a problem...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, Keith is so busy with real governmental work that he doesn't have time to discuss with you your ideas and theories. The O'Rourke papers are not relevant to anything that we can actually action at this moment. 
:'''Julius:''' That's slightly funny, because when I played tennis with the PM -- which I do as I'm sure you know, every Sunday -- he was saying just how much he was looking forward to seeing that paper. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He does think that your theories are interesting. He tells me that, because, you know, I see him every day. I also see him on a Sunday when I get together with his family and I make the fucking waffles. ''BUT'' -- I cannot allow you to come in here and interfere with the actual process of government. 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, that is my -- that is my ''JOB!'' That's my job! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you're doing it very fucking well. 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I'm sorry. There are gonna be big changes around here. Get used to it. We'll announce all this at the reshuffle. 
:'''Malcolm:''' With all due respect, Julius, the reshuffle is the business of the PM and the PM alone, which means that that is my business. It is my remit. 
:'''Julius:''' No, Malcolm. Historically, yes. But now it's part of my remit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. OK, I'll tell you what we should do. ''(getting up)'' Why don't we just get our remits out, slap them on the table, and see who's got the biggest fucking remit? 
:'''Julius:''' ''(standing up)'' Mal-Mal -- Malcolm, Malcolm, we need to talk about accommodation, we need to talk about access...
:'''Malcolm:''' Accommodation? Why am I talking about accommodation? 
:'''Julius:''' It's a 21-man department. We can't fit upstairs. This is ideal. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(confused)'' 21 men in here? 
:'''Julius:''' Not just in here, no. This office here will be perfectly usable, for not only myself...
:'''Malcolm:''' That's not an office. 
:'''Julius:''' Yes, it is an office. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a pantry. 
:'''Julius:''' Well, whatever it is, we will refit this out as a working office...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the pantry door)'' Julius, it's a fucking pantry. Look. 
:'''Julius:''' So what? What we'll do is we will kick through this -- Bang, straight into the PM's private study. ''(Julius shuts the pantry door.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(talking while eating something)'' What are people gonna say -- when they come in and they say, &quot;Where is Julius Nicholson?&quot; 
:'''Julius:''' I'm here. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's in the pantry! 
:'''Julius:''' ''(knocking on the pantry door)'' Here I am. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know what they're gonna do? They're gonna ridicule you. 
:''(Malcolm and Julius are talking over each other, and then Malcolm cracks wise...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Where's the bankrupt in the cupboard?'' 
:'''Julius:''' Why are you behaving like a complete and utter prick? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm supposed to polish you up, burnish you up. Yeah, and when you get your big break and you're on fucking ''Call My Bluff'' or whatever it is, I'm supposed to...
:''(Malcolm sees Julius heading for the door to leave the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Come back in here! Oi! Come back in here! JULIUS! Get the fuck back in here! 
:''(Julius reluctantly comes back in Malcolm's office, and Julius tries to lecture Malcolm while he's talking.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Please! Please! Come back. Let's be civilised. Let's-let's be civilised about it. Let's be civilised, come on. Let's be -- there ''are'' human resources, let's be civilised about it. Go over to your fucking pantry, right. 
:'''Julius:''' This is a perfectly usable office space...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(shutting the pantry door)'' Cool it for one minute, okay? Cool it. And just fucking cool it, shut up and fucking listen to me. This is an old fucking Georgian door. Do you know how long this has been here? 
:'''Julius:''' No I don't. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Since the time of Elizabeth I, at least. Now look at that. 
:''(Julius laughs in utter disbelief.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That does not open. Look at it. Look at it. Try opening it. Come on. Surely, this is the kind of stuff you like. Character building, team building. Put your hand over mine. Try to open the door. Come on, Julius. It's my fucking pantry. 
:''(Malcolm and Julius are still talking over each other endlessly...)''
:'''Julius:''' It's not your pantry. It's my fucking pantry. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Discussing Julius Nicholson)''
:'''Hugh''': Can't we just kill him, shoot him?
:'''Ollie''': What about we just fire him at a wall from a cannon. Just a wall two feet away.
:'''Glenn''': I know, we force feed him with a mixture of garlic and Dettol in Cup-a-Soup.
:'''Hugh''': What about the old red-hot poker up the arse? Edward II?
:''(Julius walks in)''
:'''Ollie''': I'd like to nail him to a tree through the head and watch lice slowly crawl over his body, eating off the flesh in a slow and painful death, ''(having already noticed Julius)'' but that rather bitter anomaly aside, most of the responses to the Warwick report press cuttings were pretty positive.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Hugh''' ''(to Ollie)'': I ''am'' desperate, but I don't really want to ''look'' desperate, like Glenn.  
:'''Glenn''' ''(entering)'': Oh, God, here we go again. Yeah, like Glenn, what?   
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I was just saying, the last time you saw a snatch was...  
:'''Ollie:''' ''[[wikipedia:Basic_Instinct|Basic Instinct]]''.  
:'''Hugh:''' You see, that's good. That's the kind of repartee I need with the PM's wife. It's that final k-tsssss! you see, that's the bit I'm missing.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I think you could drop the snatch material with the PM's wife, don't you?  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, OK, between the snatch and the Euro there's some sort of happy medium.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': He is not getting anywhere near my fucking pantry, I tell you that. That door is staying as open as a fat whore's bonehole.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Hugh:''' Sorry I'm late, traffic was an absolute bitch. No offence, Robyn.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
'''Julius:''' It's Paul Webster, US Economics Secretary of State. He's unexpectedly coming over, and the Treasury are hosting a bash for him this evening. Don't tell me you've not been invited.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, no, I have. It's just that I'm actually bashing myself tonight.  
:'''Julius:''' So you – you've got your own bash here?  
:'''Hugh:''' Uh yeah.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.  
:'''Julius:''' Ah! Back up, everybody, put the brakes on! We've got a bash happening here tonight and at the Treasury?   
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. It sounds complicated but I like to, um, maximise my face.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': ''(telling a joke at his party)'' And Julius, Julius Nicholson, says, ”I'm sorry but I think you'll find you're sitting in my seat.”
:''(No one laughs)''
:'''Hugh''': And this was to God, as I mentioned in the setup. Anyway, have a lovely time. ''(to Ollie, whispering)'' A fiver if you set off the sprinklers.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Why didn't you tell me, Glenn? What possible reason did you have? You saw me, I was swinging like a colostomy bag! 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Hugh, grow up! Stuff happens in this department every day, I can't tell you everything!  
:'''Hugh:''' Since when, Glenn, since when does the Secretary of State for Social Affairs have to find out ''from the fucking press'' that every morning at 8:30 I'm being fisted up to the gallbladder by a bald man?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, guys, thanks very much for staying on. Julius Nicholson, right? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yep.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Blue sky thinker? Ex-business guru? Dog rapist?   
:'''Hugh:''' Quite possibly.  
:'''Malcolm:''' He's being a nuisance to me; he also has got plans to squeeze ''your'' department so hard you'll be lucky if you're left with one bollock between the three of you. So all I am doing here is asking you, formally, if you will join me in a little bit of a circle jerk.  
:'''Hugh:''' Circle jerk? What?   
:'''Ollie:''' It's when a lot of guys in a circle all, you know. ''(to Malcolm)'' Well, I assume you don't mean literally, do you? Presumably?
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn:''' ''(on the phone to a journalist)'' Yeah I know it's probably bollocks, but that's what we all thought when Jim was up for Home Secretary, and then the next thing you know, he's given up the Colombian marching powder and taken up the sacraments.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at his 8.30 meeting)'': Morning, morning, morning! So what's the story in [[wikipedia:Balamory|Bala-fucking-mory]]?   
:'''A press officer:''' Reshuffle!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Excellent! You win a year's supply of condoms, which in your case is four.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So how was Cabinet this morning?  
:'''Hugh:''' It was good. Obviously, with reshuffle coming up, everybody's desperate to impress. Clare went round the room on a unicycle juggling burning kittens, but er – She didn't really, but what she did do was pretty embarrassing.  
:'''Malcolm:''' OK.  
:'''Hugh:''' And in terms of shuffle-y stuff, Carol ended up in Neil's seat. What do you think ''that'' means?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think that means that Carol wants to be nearer the biscuits, just in case her blood sugar level drops. That woman, she's unbelievable. I have seen her go into second reading debates with Pringles! Her star is somewhat on the wane, I think she's going a bit downward, actually, [[wikipedia:Secretary_of_State_for_Constitutional_Affairs|Constitutional Affairs]].  
:'''Hugh:''' Ooh, that's gonna hurt, Constitutional Affairs, that's the [[wikipedia:Geri_Halliwell|Ginger Spice]] of the –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of the what, Hugh? Of the what?  
:'''Hugh:''' Of the Gov– the whole –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Ginger Spice. Jesus Christ, what – what fucking century are you living in?  
:'''Hugh:''' There was a fantastic feature about Ginger in the ''[[wikipedia:Heat_(magazine)|Heat]]'' magazine. Apparently she shaves downstairs and she's working for UNICEF or some sort of – 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, you are talking absolute fucking drivel.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Hugh:''' It looked like Fatty was the one who was on his way out, but now it could just as likely be me.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well look, Hugh, if you're worried about Fatty we can always start gently briefing against him, I know it's late in the day and, you know, obviously it's not the first thing that we want to be doing –  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, 'Abbot says Fatty's a twat'. Does that make Fatty look like a twat? I think it makes me look like a twat for calling him a twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Mm – it doesn't have to be you directly, does it? That's the point.  
:'''Hugh:''' Robyn? Come on, it's like giving a child a firework.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, not Robyn.  
:'''Hugh:''' Actually that's where your bit of skirt – sorry, whatever the modern – your ho, your ho could actually be quite helpful. If you were just to leave some compromising bits of anti-Fatty documents, you know, just lying by the loo –  
:'''Ollie:''' Whoa, whoa. Just blatantly using Emma, I'm really not comfortable with that.  
:'''Hugh:''' Can I remind you, in the last 12 hours you've described her as being 'as mad as a jackdaw on crack', 'castratingly right-wing zealot', and also 'disappointingly below par in the blowjob department', so why the sudden outbreak of principle?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' Are you still in the frame for ''[[wikipedia:Question_Time_(TV_series)|Question Time]]''?  
:'''Hugh:''' I am, but I think they're gonna go for Fatty to take advantage of the widescreen option. ''(Ollie laughs.)'' Any, erm – Are there any shuffle-y rumours?  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, yeah. Rob thinks Gerry's got the Foreign Office.  
:'''Ollie:''' The thing about this, moving offices, just from one place to another, completely different, it's just fucked as a system, isn't it? Because if you – it wouldn't happen in any other job – if you were, you know, Professor of Medieval English in Oxford and you were sitting in your study and somebody came through the door and went, 'Hey, guess what? You're now, er, Professor of Zoology, we want you in the other [[wikipedia:Quadrangle_(architecture)|quad]]', you know, that would be mental, you'd be sitting in a room like a stuffed tit just saying to people, 'How many Os in Zoology? I don't really know, this isn't really my field', and all of that information that you've built up over years and years about [[Geoffrey Chaucer|Chaucer]] or whatever is of absolutely no use to you any more because Chaucer didn't really write about baboons.  
:'''Hugh:''' Ollie, these are very undergraduate concerns; my point is you don't have to be an expert to make decisions.  
:'''Glenn:''' That's why you have advisors, you twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I am being serious, Glenn.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, so am I, you are a twat.  
:'''Hugh:''' I mean, the point is, a lot of knowledge is a dangerous thing.  
:''(Hugh's office phone rings; Glenn answers it)''  
:'''Ollie:''' It's 'a little knowledge is a dangerous thing'.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well exactly, so a lot of knowledge is ''incredibly'' dangerous.

==Series 2, Episode 3==
:''(A few moments ago, Hugh said that he does not want to close down schools for kids with special needs. He is now in his office discussing the Special Needs Bill with Glenn.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn, the Special Needs Bill. With your, you know, particular interest, I can't do this. 
:'''Glenn:''' You know my views, you know. Inclusion is an illusion. It doesn't work. 
:'''Hugh:''' But you-you don't mind if I -- if I go ahead with it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Of course not. You know, look...you're only following orders. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, thanks. So you won't make me feel bad except by comparing me to a concentration camp guard? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. Right. Yeah. 
:'''Hugh:''' Now, tomorrow. Select Committee, that's Ballantine, isn't it? 
:''(But before Hugh and Glenn can continue discussing the Special Needs Bill, Ollie barges in and interrupts.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh and Glenn)'' Sorry, I'm sorry to interrupt. Who wants to go and watch Bollockvision? 
:'''Hugh:''' Bollockvision?  
:'''Ollie:''' Mr. Malcolm Tucker, turning it all the way up to eleven, down in the lobby. Come and have a look.  
:''(They all go out onto the balcony. On the other side of the atrium, on their floor, Malcolm is shouting at another Minister.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, poor Keith. Malcolm must fucking love this place: Four ministers in one building. It's his dream, a one-stop bollock-shop.  
:'''Glenn:''' Trouble is, we're gonna be getting some of that in about an hour.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. I don't know which is worse, watching him slowly rumble towards you like prostate cancer, or him appearing suddenly out of nowhere like a severe stroke.
:''(Terri, whose father died after a stroke, turns towards Hugh.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh. How's your sister coping?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The Department of Social Affairs has been renamed &quot;The Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship&quot; -- DoSAC for short.)''
:'''Glenn:''' So, Hugh, this -- this new word, 'Citizenship.' Did the PM actually outline what it entails? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, to be honest, I think he was making the reshuffle up as he-as he went along, and I think we were very lucky that 'Citizenship' was the first word that sprang to mind. Otherwise we could be the Department for Social Affairs and Woodland Folk.
:'''Ollie:''' See, the problem is, though, Hugh, that there's been a bit of a rush with you not in place. Uh, you know, every department trying to unload all the stuff that they didn't want. But it's been like somebody driving a lorry down Whitehall, shouting &quot;Bring out your shit.&quot; And they have and it's ended up at our door. 
:'''Hugh:''' So what are we getting? 
:'''Ollie:''' Citizenship basically involves, uh, cutting pensions to the Ghurkhas, rejigging the protocols for a rabies outbreak, some crap from Health about long-term care for the elderly that neither they nor we have any real idea about. 
:'''Glenn:''' And what to do with the Isle of Man.
:'''Hugh:''' ''(annoyed)'' Just what I fucking need. Five new ways to lose my job. 
:''(Hugh then starts eyeing a plant that he's just noticed is right next to his desk.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Where did that come from? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Malcolm sent that. 
:'''Hugh:''' It's far too big. Why-why did he send it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, office warming present. 
:'''Hugh:''' So why did he send us a present? 
:'''Ollie:''' I don't know. 
:'''Hugh:''' Has Security checked this? 
:'''Ollie:''' What for? Tiny little terrorists? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(annoyed)'' It's a plant! Yes?! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(moving on)'' Okay, so...citizenshit. What we need to do is knock together some nice, touchy-feely, fondley, sneaky, hand-in-the-bra sort of policies.
:'''Glenn:''' New bicycles for special constables, that sort of thing? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' Making special needs kids clean up graffiti? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(displeased)'' Yeah, that's just very mean. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yes. Not, of course, as mean as making them spell &quot;graffiti.&quot; That genuinely is very mean. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, calmly but not happily)'' I'll go and have a word with Malcolm.
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. 
:''(After Glenn leaves the office, Hugh tries to reprimand Ollie for making a joke about special needs kids.)''
:'''Hugh:''' You just took a shit with your clothes on, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' Why?  
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn's boy, Peter. He went to a special needs school.  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yep.  
:'''Ollie:''' ...Glenn's had sex?  
:'''Hugh:''' God, you're such a prick, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' It's just a joke!  
:'''Hugh:''' There's more to life, you know, than drinks parties at the Foreign Office and having [[wikipedia:Nick_Robinson_(journalist)|Nick Robinson]]'s mobile number on your fucking BlackBerry!
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. All right, all right, fine. Sorry, Hugh. I feel for the guy. I had a girlfriend with special needs once, so I know. ''(smiles smugly)'' Luckily, I was able to fulfill them.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm joins Glenn and Hugh in the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' So did you enjoy the show? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm, jokingly)'' You were magnificent, darling. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Yeah, should I phone Keith so that I can get his team to watch you bollock me now? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' No no no no. Have I got my bollocking face on? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well...
:'''Malcolm:''' No. This is my bollocking face? 
:''(Malcolm shows Hugh his infamous &quot;bollocking stare.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, crikey, yes. Thanks for the pot plant, by the way. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Did I send that? 
:'''Hugh:''' As an office warming present. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ, she's a ''great'' P.A., isn't she, Sam? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' She always remembers the little people. ''(looking at the plant)'' Look at the size of that. Fuck, you could fucking crucify somebody on that. ''(back to Glenn and Hugh)'' So what do you think of the new building, eh? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I can't wait to move upstairs, actually, because I don't really like the glass walls on-on, on this floor. I just feel a bit exposed. 
:'''Glenn:''' Like a whore in a Reeperbahn window. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, calling out to Glenn)'' Glenn, it's Ollie. He wants you to go through and clarify the Citizenship brief. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' How much, love? 
:'''Terri:''' Sorry? 
:'''Glenn:''' Okay, I'm on it. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll catch you later. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh, smiling)'' I like your tan, by the way. 
:'''Hugh:''' Thank you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you declared it? Staying at the villa of an influential friend?
:'''Hugh:''' I-I haven't got any influential friends, Malcolm. You are my only influential friend. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh yeah. And I'm not really your friend. 
:'''Hugh:''' You're not really my friend. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So this, uh, Super Schools Bill...
:'''Hugh:''' Yep. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't think it's so super, do you? 
:''(Malcolm gives Hugh the &quot;bollocking stare.&quot; Again.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' You're doing it now. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(unflinching)'' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's your bollocking face. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are now discussing -- or is it arguing over? -- the Super Schools Bill.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, it's great that you get all misty-eyed over Glenn's kid. But no one's trying to fuck over special needs kids. 
:'''Hugh:''' R-Really? Really? Before I went away, I consulted an expert, Mark-Mark Ryan, and he...
:'''Malcolm:''' The LSE education guy? And what did that sandal-wearing nonce have to say?  
:'''Hugh:''' What he said was that closing down special needs schools and putting needy kids into mainstream education is a lousy idea! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but I've got an expert who will ''deny'' that. 
:'''Hugh:''' And SEN parents want the special schools kept open. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, my-my expert would totally oppose that. 
:'''Hugh:''' Who is your expert? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I have no idea, but I can get one by this afternoon. You see, the thing is you have spoken to the wrong expert. You've got to ask the right expert. And you've got to know what an expert's going to advise you before he advises you. Hugh, whether you like this or not, you are gonna have to promote this bill. So what I'm gonna do is -- I'm gonna get you another expert, yeah? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(reluctantly)'' OK. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Robyn, Ollie and Terri are looking at the atrium of the new building from their floor.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Good spot for a suicide, this, I would think: good long drop, appreciative audience.  
:'''Robyn:''' What if you just broke your back? You know, you'd be paralysed for life and then you'd still be depressed about the thing that was depressing you in the first place.  
:'''Terri:''' What are these, um, hangy-down things?  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, they're [[wikipedia:Sound_baffle#Interior_sound_baffle_design|acoustic baffles]], they stop it getting too echoey in here.  
:'''Robyn:''' So when you're breaking your back, nobody can hear you screaming?  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that is the kind of attention to detail that you get in a [[wikipedia:Private_finance_initiative|PFI]] building.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(spotting them from the ground floor)'' ''HEY! GET BACK TO WORK, ALL OF YOU!''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh has privately admitted to Terri that he sent the sweary email from her account.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Now Hugh, are you going to do the right thing, are you going to admit to this publicly?  
:'''Hugh:''' Are you – What? No! Are you mad? I can't do that, that ''mustn't'' happen! ''You've'' got – I ''need'' you, to –  
:'''Terri:''' What, to lie?  
:'''Hugh:''' I think it was [[Jacques Derrida|Derrida]] who said there is no such thing as actual ''empirical'' truth, but only –  
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, ''I'll'' tell you what Derrida said, he said, 'Go fuck your face, Abbot!'  
:''(Terri tries to storm out of the door, but only belatedly notices the exit switch)''  
:'''Hugh:''' You need to mind your language, it just will keep getting you into trouble.  
:'''Terri:''' ''(finally opening the door)'' I can't even get out the fucking room! ''(storms out)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn return from their Education Select Committee appearance.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' How was that?  
:'''Hugh:''' I lied to the Select Committee. I lied! Is Tucker in the building?  
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm in the Middle.  
:'''Hugh:''' What?  
:'''Ollie:''' It's just what they're calling him now, 'cause he can stand in the middle of the atrium and just shout at all the departments.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well I don't want to see him, not at the moment, I can't take one of his scenes from The Exorcist just now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Look, I don't think Ballentine's on to anything.  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh no? No? Well, why did she keep asking, 'Just one expert? Only one? Not two experts? Less than three but not two?' The fucking bitch.  
:'''Glenn:''' It's her style, look, she's just trying to throw you off balance like a sumo wrestler.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well it worked: there I was on the floor in a big fucking nappy.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': Christ Malcolm, how do you appear out of nowhere in a building made entirely out of glass?
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm a shape-shifter.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': It's going to be like sitting on a tea crate, having chicken shit sprayed all over me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''A civil servant:''' I'm sorry, can you stop swearing please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, you won't hear any more swearing from us, YOU MASSIVE, GAY, ''SHITE!!! FUCK OFF!'' ''(to Ollie)'' Right, how are you doing in sorting out whether or not he lied or not, are you OK?
:'''Ollie:''' Pretty well, yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that a lie?  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That is not fucking funny, you retard. I'm sorry about that, Glenn. The situation just –
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Claire Ballentine:''' Are you lying to me now about not lying to me before? 
:'''Hugh:''' No, I am not a liar. I categorically did not knowingly not tell the truth, even though unknowingly I might not have done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know what else can go wrong now. Unless the flexible energy system sets fire to my office and then puts it out by squirting liquefied human shit through the ceiling sprinklers.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': Hey, I'm going to have a swear box installed on Monday.
:'''Hugh''': What?
:'''Malcolm''': Fucking joking, you twat! I'm on turbo.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' God, right, okay, well, seein' as you're not used to this, I'll go through it for you, okay? What happens at a press conference is this. A bunch of press people are gonna appear, they've got things called cameras and microphones and mobile phones and hangovers and bad breath. Then you are gonna walk out and you're gonna read from what we call a &quot;prepared statement&quot;. In that you will say, &quot;I'm really fucking sorry for sounding like a hairy-arsed docker after twelve pints. I promise that I will never call an 8-year-old girl a cunt again. Can we now just draw a line over this, and fucking move on. Thank you&quot;. Everybody goes home and then we wait and we see what happens. The best case is you get to keep your job, although you will forever be known as the Sweary Woman of Whitehall.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie''' ''(on the phone to a man he can see in a glass office)'': Yes, but you can't just dump rabies on us because you don't want it. You're Health, that's your job! You should have rabies. Health should have rabies, right? ''(sees the man mime fellatio)'' Oh right, yeah, fine. OK. So we're gonna have to swallow this one, but if we have to deal with a rabies outbreak we're gonna do it so fucking well, you're gonna be frothing at the mouth – yeah, twice! ''(hangs up)'' You prick!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Hugh:''' First day back from holiday, tanned, tawdry and cheap. I feel like something out of ''[[wikipedia:Footballers'_Wives|Footballers' Wives]]''.  
:'''Glenn:''' How do you know about ''Footballers' Wives''?  
:'''Hugh:''' Ollie told me. They all live in Chelmsford, have names like Madison and Chutney, they're an orange colour and they've got thongs up their cracks.

==The Rise Of The Nutters==
:''(In the opening scene of this episode, Ollie Reeder and his girlfriend, Emma Messenger, are walking down the street together in the morning. Ollie and Emma are on opposite sides of the British political spectrum. Nevertheless, the two of them are enjoying some good-natured banter talking about their party leaders.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I'm extremely impressed. I'm highly impressed that you're going to see the leader of your party. 
:'''Emma Messenger:''' Good. You should be impressed. 
:'''Ollie:''' Although, ultimately, the leader of your party is just a man, really, isn't he? He's just a guy. 
:'''Emma:''' Ah, now that's a good point, actually, because yours on the other hand is...
:'''Ollie:''' No no no no. Mine is...
:'''Emma:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' ...the leader of the country also. What I'm saying is ''if'' we were playing Top Trumps, which we kind of are...
:'''Emma:''' Oh, cor, we absolutely are, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' I win. 
:'''Emma:''' Right. So it's Ben Swain Day today, is it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. A Nutter in our midst. A junior minister for me to push around, you know. That's nice, isn't it? A bit more power for me. 
:'''Emma:''' You are an extremely powerful man, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Very powerful, very attractive sexually, due to all this power.
:''(As Ollie and Emma get to Government Headquarters, they are met up with Malcolm and Jamie.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Hey, Poxbridge!
:'''Malcolm:''' Hello!
:'''Jamie:''' Hey, dickhead! Happy New Queer!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, but I – don't be so offensive. I do apologise for my friend's behaviour. Did you have a nice Poof-mas?
:'''Ollie:''' What are you two, um, doing round Richmond Terrace then? 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, we're slumming it. Just going to see Julius, the big baldy ballbag. ''(to Emma)'' You must be, you, what is it? Gemma? Gemma? 
:'''Emma:''' Emma. It's Emma. 
:'''Jamie:''' Emma. Hi, Emma. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What are you doing down here? 
:'''Ollie:''' I'm babysitting Ben Swain for the day. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Could you water my spider plants in my office as well? ''(to Emma)'' He's very good with the watering can. Very very bright lad. Homemaker. 
:''(And with that, Ollie and Emma share a rather awkward goodbye -- WITH NO KISS!)'' 
:'''Emma:''' I'll see you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, see you later. ''(Ollie rushes inside to catch up with Jamie and Malcolm.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie are busting Ollie's chops about his relationship with Emma.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So, the girlfriend, she-she doesn't mind the whole, uh, you being gay thing? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Did you take her home for Christmas? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. God, no. I couldn't do that. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh no, you couldn't do that, 'cause she wouldn't fit in. 'Cause you're that right dyed-in-the-wool working class, aren't you? She's probably allergic to pit ponies. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Peter Mannion, the Leader of the Opposition, is having a chat with his adviser, Phil Smith. As they're entering Opposition Headquarters, Peter and Phil are discussing Emma's relationship with Ollie...and Phil just happens to be Emma's roommate.)'' 
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Are they actually sleeping together? 
:'''Phil Smith:''' Yes, yeah. In the flat. 
:'''Peter:''' Do you think she's on top or, what-what do you hear? 
:'''Phil:''' Well, I hear her say, &quot;How do you like it?&quot; And he'll say, &quot;I've got to page Tucker.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, God. ''(beat)'' Have I shaved properly? It's just we're-we're having the bathroom done and I was in the kitchen this morning using the kettle as a mirror. 
:'''Phil:''' No, you're very smooth. So it's a chrome kettle, then? 
:'''Peter:''' You've been watching ''[[wikipedia:CSI|CSI]]'' again, haven't you? 
:''(As Peter and Phil are walking up the stairs, they are joined by Emma, who is also Peter's advisor.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Morning. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, hello. How was sleeping with the enemy? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh, hilarious. I forgot how funny you were. 
:''(The three of them are nearing the office...)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' What time are you seeing Stewart? 
:'''Emma:''' It'll be in about half an hour. What about you? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, I'll be last in. He's punishing me for standing against JB in the leadership contest by putting me in the [[wikipedia:Ryanair|Ryanair]] queue. 
:'''Emma:''' Come on, he got you that terrific photo op with the, uh, wind turbine thing on your house, remember? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes, and it cost me 12 grand. And I have to pay for the electricity bill to keep the bugger turning because, of course, there's no wind in the valley, I have to plug it in. But my next door neighbor has an England flag that just hangs there limply while my turbine mysteriously whizzes around. 
:'''Phil:''' Could turn the turbine round so it blows his flag. 
:''(Peter, Emma and Phil finally sit down.)''
:'''Phil:''' Right. What's up first, then, Peter? 
:'''Emma:''' While we're here, we could bat a few ideas around. 
:'''Peter:''' He wants something fluffy for the speech, does he? Environment? Tax breaks for aromatherapists? SatNav for asylum seekers? 
:'''Phil:''' Well, I was thinking about a departmental blog. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning again)'' Oh, God. Really? 
:'''Phil:''' I could actually do the..the writing bit of it, because you wouldn't have time.  
:'''Peter:''' Well, I mean, I might as well, I've knack all else to do. ''(Peter turns to Phil)'' Though, um...to be honest, you-you sort it out. 
:'''Phil:''' I thought we could have like a guest book so that, kind of, you know, readers can kind of leave their comments. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you sure? Have you ever Googled your own name? It's like opening a door to a room where everyone tells you how shit you are. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm, Jamie and Ollie are walking up the stairs to the offices at Government HQ, discussing Ben Swain.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Where's [[wikipedia:My Little Pony|My Little Phony?]] Ben Swain. What's his ''[[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]]'' angle gonna be, then? 
:'''Ollie:''' Ben? Ben is going on Newsnight?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, you're a right little West Winger, you, aren't you? They're cutting you out of the loop already? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll check who the presenter is and obviously...
:'''Jamie:''' The presenter is Newsbot 3.2. He's a nobody. He's a fucking scorch mark. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Paxo's in Kenya fly-fishing with [[wikipedia:Stephen Fry|Stephen Fry]] or whatever the fuck it is he does. Kirsty is sobering up in Kilmarnock with her gran, so she's out of the picture. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll just check the lines with Pat Morrissey, then. And then we'll...
:'''Jamie:''' Pat Morrissey?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Jamie:''' Her? What, Fat Pat? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Jamie:''' &quot;Pumpkin Tits?&quot;
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Pat and, uh, Communications have asked that everything be double-ticked through her from now. ''(to Malcolm)'' I mean, you get a tick as well. Obviously. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh well, well obviously! Yes, that's-that's very very nice and that's very fucking big of them! I get a tick! 
:'''Ollie:''' So I mean, it's, it's two ticks for a, uh, a green light, basically, that's the system.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(beside himself)'' Pat Morrissey. Communications is full of Nutters these days. 
:'''Jamie:''' Soon as the PM said he'd be gone inside a year, the Nutters start popping up like [[wikipedia:Melanoma|mela-fucking-noma]]. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' See you later. See you in a tick. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What about you? You're not a Nutter, are you? 
:'''Ollie:''' I-I'm not a Nutter, Jamie. I'm...I'm a nipper.  
:''(Ollie then bumps into Terri.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Hey, Terri! 
:'''Terri:''' Hi, Ollie, Happy New Year! 
:'''Ollie:''' How was Christmas? 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, you know...
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I know, yeah. Six pairs of socks, three Harry Potter omnibuses. All that &quot;I thought you were taking the giblets out. Don't give Nan any more Baileys. She's only got the one pad with her.&quot; ''(Ollie follows Terri into an office.)'' Every bloody year. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, you know, just me and Mum in the care home. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. Jesus...So, eh, Ben on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Terri:''' Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah. Oh, God, thank God you didn't know, either. I thought it was just me. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh no no no. I did know about that, actually. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, why did you say it like that, then? &quot;Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?''&quot;
:'''Terri:''' You're just out of the loop. I'm very well wired into the Tommists. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Nobody calls them Tommists. They're Nutters, Terri. Nobody calls them Tommists. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(dead serious)'' I don't like that word. My sister works in mental health. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ben Swain, the Junior Minister that Ollie is &quot;babysitting,&quot; arrives at the office.)'' 
:'''Ben Swain:''' Morning, all! 
:'''Terri:''' Benjamin! Happy New Year! 
:'''Ollie:''' Ben! Big Ben, Ben-Benji, Beno, Benj.
:'''Ben:''' Happy New Year to you as well. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' These are the briefing notes. 
:'''Ben:''' Ah, splendid. I'll file these directly in the shredder. Thank you, Glenn. 
:''(Ben, Glenn and Ollie enter an office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' If you just, uh, stick to what's in there, you'll be all right. Just remember, you're the night watchman, all right? 
:'''Ben:''' Yes, well, I like to think of myself as more, perhaps, I don't know, an elected MP than a night watchman, Glenn. But thank you very much for everything, I'll be fine without you holding my hand. You enjoy your weekend cottaging in Wales or whatever it is you're up to. 
:''(Ollie picks up a copy of Ben's upcoming book, which is called, &quot;It's the Everything, Stupid: How to Get Ahead in Modern Politics.&quot;)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(impressed)'' This is looking good. When is it coming out? 
:'''Ben:''' End of the, end of the week. You'll be able to make the launch party? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Ben)'' Great title. 
:'''Ben:''' Thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' And have you written it yourself or was it ghosted by, uh...
:'''Ben:''' By [[wikipedia:Victoria Beckham|Victoria Beckham]]? No, everything in there is entirely-entirely written by me, I think you'll find. Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' There you go, you have hidden talents. 
:'''Ben:''' Anyone heard from &quot;The Hughster?&quot; 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, he's suffering from jet lag. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Ben)'' Have you ever been to Australia? 
:'''Ben:''' No. Why would I want to go there? Full of people in khaki, squinting. Just the world's largest collection of poisonous things. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, yeah. God, yeah. If you want to stick around with poisonous snakes, you might as well stay here. 
:''(Awkward silence occurs after Ollie's stupid attempt at a joke.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(jokingly)'' Throw a blanket on me, I'm on fire. 
:'''Ben:''' Heh-heh, good. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Before Glenn heads off to Wales, he gives Ollie some last-minute instructions for babysitting Ben.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, Ollie. We may be babysitting a Nutter. He may look like a Womble, but he's got Nutter eyes and Nutter ears. So, keep an eye on him. 
:'''Ollie:''' All right, the minute any chicken blood turns up on the paperwork, I'll be straight on to you, don't worry. 
:'''Glenn:''' Right, I'm off to Wales and the late 1950s. 
:''(Terri blows Glenn a friendly kiss goodbye.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Happy trails.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(As Peter is waiting to meet with Stewart -- still -- he has a conversation with Phil about his upcoming holiday.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(coughing)'' Oh, I can't get rid of this. 
:'''Phil:''' I bet you're looking forward to your holiday. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, yeah. I mean, obviously, I'm not flying abroad anywhere, because...
:'''Phil:''' Carbon. 
:'''Peter:''' No, bathroom. I'm supervising the doing up of my bathroom. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(looking at two lamps)'' What is that?
:'''Peter:''' It's just –
:'''Phil:''' Is that raffia?
:'''Peter:''' He's discovered IKEA, hasn't he?
:'''Phil:''' It's all for show. They want to look modern, like they appeal to the kind of people who go to IKEA.
:'''Peter:''' I'm modern! I say 'black' instead of 'coloured', I think women are a good thing, I have no problem with gays. Most of them are very well turned out, especially the men.
:'''Phil:''' I know.
:'''Peter:''' Why is it, this last year, I'm being made to feel as if I'm always two steps behind, like I can't program the video or convert everything back to [[wikipedia:£sd|old money]]? Because that's not me!
:'''Phil:''' ''(confused)'' You've still got a video?
:'''Peter:''' I'm a one-nation party. 
:''(And now, it's time to meet Stewart Pearson, the Director of Communications for the Opposition. Stewart and Emma are sharing a laugh as she's leaving his office. Now, Stewart is ready to see Peter.)'' 
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' ''(smiling)'' Ah, Peter. Dr. Stewart will see you now, hey? I could hear you coughing in there. Is that your contribution to the meeting? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' You all right? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes, okay. You know, it's just hanging around. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, I'm sorry to keep you hanging about, but you know, right now all the...all the big priority stuff is the big party stuff. 
:'''Peter:''' I was talking about the cold hanging around. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, right. ''(Stewart heads back into his office.)'' Thanks very much, Em. 
:''(As Peter goes into Stewart's office for a chat, Phil asks Emma about her meeting.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Was that fun there? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, it was useful. 
:'''Phil:''' Playing with the big boys? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah. Now I'm back with the little boys, huh? 
:'''Phil:''' No. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart and Peter start their chat.)''
:'''Stewart:''' So. How are you, then? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(nodding)'' Fine, I'm-I'm fine. 
:'''Stewart:''' Good, superb, because the reason I've asked you in -- I mean, firstly, just to say, &quot;Hi, how are you?&quot;...
:'''Peter:''' Still fine. 
:'''Stewart:''' Then, this photo call this afternoon, &quot;100 Days of the New Leader.&quot; We've got you a Paul Smith suit. I did think about Vivienne Westwood or...Well, it was just too expensive. And, oh, and a Ted Baker... ''(Stewart pulls out a pinkish-looking shirt with stripes on it.)'' Ted Baker shirt, right? No tie, we're thinking open-necked look might be good. 
:'''Peter:''' But I'm already wearing a suit and, controversially, a tie. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, sure. But frankly, you know, it all looks a bit '80s, you know? [[wikipedia:Robert Palmer|Robert Palmer]], Sink the Belgrano, that kind of vibe. We think this is better, it's modern, it's sharp, it's slimming. Try it on. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(in amused disbelief)'' Is this a joke? 
:'''Stewart:''' Try the suit on. 
:''(Moments later, Stewart makes Peter change into a different suit and shirt.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Just wondering whether you're fully conversant with the new line, whether you're really up to speed?
:'''Peter:''' Well, I don't know. Am I? Because, uh, I get people stopping me in the streets and saying, 'Are you still for locking up yobbos?', and I say, 'Yeah, of course we are.' And then I think, 'Well, are we?' Because maybe I missed a memo from you. Maybe I should understand yobbos now, or not even call them yobbos, call them 'young men with issues around stabbing.' ''(awkward silence)'' No tie, you say?
:'''Stewart:''' No tie.
:'''Peter:''' Quite a nice suit, actually.
:'''Stewart:''' So, we were thinking...Shirt outside the trousers.
:'''Peter:''' Outside? Not tuck my shirt in?
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah.
:'''Peter:''' I always tuck my shirt in, it's part of getting dressed. What, should I not do my flies up either? Let the old chap flop out. Is that modern enough for you?
:'''Stewart:''' Just try it, Peter. Not the cock out, but just the shirt thing.
:'''Peter:''' ''(untucking his shirt)'' I'm from a generation of men, Stewart, who tuck their shirts in. I've done it since I was a boy, I was told off for ''not'' doing it.
:'''Stewart:''' Oh God, no, you were right. Sorry, no, tuck it in. You look like you've been startled by a fire alarm.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie enter Ben's office. Time to discuss Ben's upcoming appearance as Jeremy Paxman's guest on Newsnight.)''
:'''Jamie:''' Mr. Swain. 
:'''Ben:''' Jamie. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Good morning, Ben. 
:'''Ben:''' Morning, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to 2 office workers)'' Off you two fuck. 
:''(The 2 workers leave Ben's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, Ben, heard the big news about [[wikipedia:Jeremy_Paxman|Paxo]].
:'''Ben:''' Oh right.
:'''Malcolm:''' What was it you did in your gap year again?
:'''Ben:''' Um, Interrailing, month on a kibbutz –
:'''Malcolm:''' Did you ever travel, like, 100 miles per hour, head-first through a tunnel full of pig shit? Because that's what's gonna happen to you tonight with Paxman, ''unless'', unless...you listen to us.
:'''Jamie:''' He will eat you up, sick you out and grout his fucking wet room with you.
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, I have been interviewed on television before, thank you very much.
:'''Malcolm:''' Who?
:'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:George_Alagiah|George Alagiah]].
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah? Do you know what they call him? Easy George.
:'''Malcolm:''' This is Paxo. What are you gonna do when he pulls that big rubbery horse-face of mock-incredulity at you?
:'''Ben:''' Yes, look, we know the cheat codes for Paxman now, don't we? That old aggressive style of his is just old school. All you need to do, you play the honest, the Honest Joe just trying to humbly get your point across and...
:'''Jamie:''' ''(pulling up a chair)'' Let's see you do your stuff, Mr. Television, huh? 
:''(Jamie is pretending to be Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight, asking Ben questions.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(As Paxo)'' Immigration is in disarray. What are ''you'' going to do about it? 
:'''Ben:''' Well, first of all, I would have to take issue with your contention that immigration is in...
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, answer the question, you fat fuck! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil and Emma are home in their flat -- discussing Ollie.)''
:'''Phil:''' Why the fuck do you have to keep inviting him round here?
:'''Emma:''' Oh, are you a bit jealous?
:'''Phil:''' Of [[wikipedia:Gerald_Home|the man]] from the Mr Muscle adverts? No, I just think it's just unreasonable that I have to watch what I'm gonna say in my own flat; I mean, you could at least give me warning if he's coming round or something.
:'''Emma:''' I tell you what, I'll put a sex grid on the fridge.
:'''Phil:''' Oh, yeah.
:'''Emma:''' So that you can have dates and stuff: I'll put an A4 piece of paper for me up, and maybe you could have half a post-it note? You could share it with Affers, maybe.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. Have to write really small, though, I've slept with three women in –
:'''Ollie:''' ''(returning from the toilet)'' Your life?
:'''Phil:''' Yes.
:''(Ollie laughs)''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Ollie, Emma, and Phil are watching Ben Swain's [[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]] interview together. Malcolm, who is also watching from his office, is on the phone to Jamie, who is watching Ben from inside the studio.)''
:'''Emma:''' What's he doing with his eyes?
:'''Ollie:''' Oh my God. He's got a nervous blink.
:'''Malcolm:''' That's a mega blink! It's not just ''a'' blink.
:'''Ollie:''' He looks like what happens when you punch a cow. ''(impersonates a cow mooing in pain)''
:'''Phil:''' Oh my God, this is like watching a lion rape a sheep, but in a bad way.
:'''Jamie:''' The cameramen are laughing.
:'''Ollie:''' 'J-j-j-j-just'!
:'''Emma:''' Stop him, stop him!
:'''Ollie:''' He spelled 'just' with four Js!
:'''Malcolm:''' He's like a chicken, he's like an enormous chicken!
:'''Phil:''' It's just one word he's been saying, which is basically ''(gibberish)''.
:'''Jamie:''' Well, what about the coalface?
:'''Malcolm:''' Pull it, puncture his lifebelt. Pull it, give him the signal. If he shits, I'll give you 500 quid.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(After Ben Swain's interview)''
:'''Ollie:''' Well he certainly looked like a Nutter.
:'''Emma:''' He looked like that little guy on the green that shouts 'You're an Arab' at everyone.
:'''Phil:''' It's a tough day tomorrow, picking bits of Ben out of Malcolm's car.
:'''Ollie:''' He didn't mention the coalface idea.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ben, in the car back from the studio)'' You don't deserve to ''live!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' How is my blog? My own personal blog, personally written by me?
:''(they all go to the computer)''
:'''Phil:''' There we go.
:'''Emma:''' Oh, brilliant.
:'''Phil:''' Yesterday you liked the leader's speech, it was bold and courageous and sent out the right signals, and you had a fruit lunch.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, I write very well. What's the feedback like?
:'''Phil:''' Pretty good. Let's see on this page here. Here we go.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;I don't trust you, you Cypriot crook.&quot;
:'''Phil:''' What?
:'''Peter:''' Cypriot? This is the shit room. You've opened the shit room door.
:'''Emma:''' Oh come on, that's not too bad.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;How are the maintenance payments going on your bastard?&quot; Christ, that was twelve years ago!
:'''Phil:''' I hadn't seen that one.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;Adulterous Nazi&quot;?
:'''Phil:''' Or that one.
:'''Emma:''' That's actually I think the same one.
:'''Peter:''' This is the trouble with the public, they're fucking horrible.
:'''Emma:''' Peter, you really – you can't say the public are fucking horrible.
:'''Peter:''' Yes I can, I've met them. &quot;You've always got such a pained expression. Do you take it up the chutney?&quot; Really? I mean, for God's sake.
:'''Emma:''' The chutney?
:'''Peter:''' Yes, it's up the arse.
:'''Emma:''' See this: I still don't understand why people do this 'h8' thing. If you're going to leave a message, I mean, at least spell it correctly.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil:''' What the fuck was that all about? You know, nicking the other lot's ideas?
:'''Emma:''' You jumped straight on the bandwagon, you hypocrite.
:'''Phil:''' You started it. You know, at least I'm not nicking my boyfriend's ideas.
:'''Emma:''' You sanctimonious twat! Jesus, you're not my dad, Phil, even if you do dress like him.
:'''Peter:''' ''(knocking from behind glass)'' What's going on?
:'''Phil:''' Swain was supposed to flag up the coalface idea last night but he didn't. So Emma nicked it.
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, fuck-tastic. Not only was it a shit idea to ruin my holiday, it was a shit idea you stole from the government to ruin my holiday. Good work.
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Thanks a lot, [[wikipedia:Supergrass_(informant)|Supergrass]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)'': Oh, here he is. Dead man walking. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Ben)'' 'I, I, I wish you wouldn't keep saying that, I, I, I –' ''(normal voice)'' What's your favourite band, [[blink-182]]?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' That's not a proper cigar: a proper cigar is those big Cuban whoppers, that's just a jumped-up fag.
:'''Malcolm:''' Talking of [[wikipedia:Fagging|which]] –  
:'''Ollie''' ''(entering)'': Hi.
:'''Jamie and Malcolm:''' Hey!
:'''Jamie:''' Is it [[wikipedia:Rag_(student_society)#Rag_Week|Rag Week]]?
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you fancy a cigar? I promise I won't tell any of the other prefects.
:'''Jamie:''' Hand rolled on the thigh of a Cuban virgin with big tits and four kids.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, thanks. Um, Malcolm, I just wondered if I could have a quick word, actually. The opposition have got the Week at the Coalface idea. They're gonna do it.
:'''Jamie:''' Who, when?
:'''Ollie:''' Peter Mannion, I don't know when.
:'''Malcolm:''' How the fuck did they get that? Your fucking girlfriend, Jesus Christ!
:'''Jamie:''' You should have dumped that mad bitch ages ago.
:'''Ollie:''' Well I would've done! She is mad, she's a mental woman! But you two kept telling me to go out with her and stay going out with her, just in case I found anything out!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, and what did you find out? That you've been leaking intelligence to them? You're the fucking shittest James Bond ever. You're... you're [[wikipedia:David_Niven|David fucking Niven]]!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Malcolm:''' Get him properly fucking screen-tested. I'm sorry mate, but you need a lot of powder, I've never seen anybody look so fucking ugly with just one head.
:'''Ben:''' Yeah. No, I lost my islands of safety, didn't I, which is –
:'''Malcolm:''' And who was it that did your media training? [[wikipedia:Moors_murders#Myra_Hindley|Myra Hindley]]? I mean, it was terrible, all this – hands were all over the place. You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra! It was like watching John Leslie at work!
:'''Ben:''' Yes, I know all of that, and it just kind of fell away. God, it was like one of those dreams when you're wandering around [[wikipedia:Covent_Garden|Covent Garden]] or something in just your vest and everyone's staring at you.
:'''Jamie:''' I think it was much worse than that, I mean, how many people see you in Covent Garden, a few thousand? Your meltdown was witnessed by 1.2 million people. That's more people than saw [[wikipedia:Al_Jolson|Al Jolson]] in his entire career. And that's Al fucking Jolson!
:'''Malcolm:''' He loves Al Jolson.
:'''Jamie:''' The Governor!
:'''Ollie:''' '[[wikipedia:My_Mammy|Maaammy]].'
:'''Jamie:''' You take the piss out of Jolson again, and I will remove your [[iPod]] from its tiny nano-sheath, and push it up your ''cock!'' And then I'll plug some speakers up your arse, and put it onto shuffle with my fucking fist! And every time I hear something that I don't like, which will be every time that something comes on, I will skip to the next track ''(to Ben)'' by crushing ''your balls!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, sorry! Do you know what, maybe you should dump Peter and go out with Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, it wouldn't be any more disastrous than our relationship, would it, hey?
:'''Emma:''' Christ, Ollie, well if it's been such a fucking disaster, why didn't you break up with me sooner?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, if it had been up to me I would have broken up with you sooner!
:'''Emma:''' If it had been up t– Oh, OK – This is Malcolm, isn't it? Malcolm has been pimping you out! You fucking sad little –
:'''Phil:''' ''(laughing)'' That's funny.  
:'''Ollie and Emma:''' Fuck you, Phil!
:'''Phil:''' Oh, suddenly ''I'm'' the bad guy again.
:'''Ollie:''' Go and read your blog, nerd boy! I'm going. This is the point where I go.
:'''Phil:''' Wow. That point actually exists. Incredible.
:'''Ollie:''' I will be so ''not'' sorry not ever to have to talk to you again, you massive floppy blonde tit! I hope your blog gets done for libel and you get knobbed in prison by men. And – ''(to Emma)'' it is over, you self-serving, crypto-fascist, horse-loving, posh, weekend-at-Daddy's, vacuous nothing! ''(leaves)''
:'''Emma:''' Fuck you, Ollie, and put your keys on the side!
:'''Phil:''' He's got keys?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(looking at a newspaper story with the headline &quot;Silly Tucker: Was web of filth spun by Downing Street 'Spiderman'?&quot;)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': The story isn't me, Glenn, OK? Nobody is interested in me and I'll be pleased if you'd remember that, OK?
:'''Glenn''' ''(at his sister's Welsh cottage)'': You sure you don't want me and Hugh to come back? We could give you some cover.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh is not coming back: it would look like we're panicking, and we're not panicking. But I need ''you'' back here fucking ASAP to let them know that we're not panicking.
:'''Glenn:''' So you want me to interrupt ''my'' holiday in a panic, so that Hugh doesn't have to interrupt ''his'' holiday and look like he's panicking?
:'''Malcolm:''' You get back here! I wanna see you popping a bollock for me! ''(hangs up)''
:'''Jamie:''' ''(walking in, holding up the same 'Silly Tucker' story)'' You seen this?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I haven't seen that. I'm the senior press guy for the Government of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. No, I don't look at the newspapers, that's fucking news to me.
:'''Jamie:''' All right, all right. What are we doing?
:'''Malcolm:''' What are we doing? Fuck all, we're not doing nothing, all right, because I am not the story here.
:'''Jamie:''' Well, no, you kind of are the story, Malc: they spelt your name right and everything.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You take this and this, and you put it onto your bird's breasts, and you rub them and squeeze them very very gently, you get her into the sack, you bang her fucking brains out, you make sure that she cums, and you just give her the policy!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, but I chucked her, and not in a kind of, you know, 'It's not you, it's me' sort of way, more in a 'It ''is'' you, you hideous vacuous [[Sloane Ranger|Sloane]] bitch from hell' kind of scorched-earth kind of –
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really not interested at all in your little tiff. Get round there, take your Barry White album and your lube and your fucking policy folder.
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this is really crossing the line here –
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't start with the moral objections, you fucking [[wikipedia:Blue_Peter_badge|Blue Peter badge]]-wearing ponce! Go and make a contribution to fucking Amnesty International, go and buy a goat the whole village can fuck! But you are doing this for me.
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you're bullying me, and, you know, I don't know why you're bullying me, you're –
:'''Malcolm:''' How dare you? How dare you! Don't you ever, ''ever'', call me a bully. I'm so much worse than that. Do it. OK? Wash your hands.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Do I know you? Oh, don't you work for somebody famous? Er, Malcolm [[wikipedia:Hamish_Macbeth|Hamish MacDeath]]?
:'''Jamie:''' It's, er, Peter Onion, isn't it?
:'''Peter:''' Hah! That's right.
:'''Jamie:''' I always forget, were you the forced abortion or the love child? Or the guy who asphyxiated himself with a kiwi?
:'''Peter:''' Just the love child: I was the quiet one.
:'''Phil:''' Like [[wikipedia:John_Deacon|John Deacon]] in Queen.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''' ''(on her phone)'': Well I might as well call myself on unofficial leave now: nothing will happen for the next three weeks, absolutely zero. I'm gonna book that holiday. Yeah, well, I mean, all they'll be doing, they'll be bobbing about like emperor penguins trying to swap over an egg.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Jamie:''' Is your department looking at a 10 million overspend? Yes, or no?
:'''Ben:''' Well, I don't have the figures to hand, but all I can say is that if there has been an overspend or a perceived overspend within this department, then certainly I think I've – ''(sees Jamie mime fellatio)'' He's not gonna do that, is he?
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh yes, he will, and he will do a lot more. Jazz hands, he'll be touching you up under the table, he's got all the tricks.
:'''Ben:''' No he won't! Fuck off, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' You, listen. First things first: you need some interruption lines, yeah? Something that you can throw in.
:'''Ben:''' All right: how about, er, 'I will answer the questions in the order you asked them, Jeremy'.
:'''Jamie:''' That makes you sound like a smug Oxbridge twat. Oh, I know you are, but ''everyone'' doesn't need to know.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(while watching Ben Swain on Newsnight)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Still, at least Hugh will be pleased.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, he'll be thrilled, I'm sure! His department on the rack, he'll be like, 'Hey, Ollie, thanks for running the department, although it seems to have all turned to shit!' You're like the man with the [[wikipedia:Midas#Golden_Touch|Midas touch]], except instead of everything you touch turning to gold, it turns to shit. You're like the man with the shit touch. Shitfinger.
:'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you be online pretending to be a Hobbit, eh? Trying to get a date with a lady Hobbit, but failing?
:'''Phil:''' Shitfinger.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh hey, hello, here he is! The walk of shame.
:'''Jamie:''' You never told us you had epilepsy of the eyes. Was that a sweat, or were you crying?
:'''Malcolm:''' Have I seen you on the telly?
:'''Ben:''' ''(laughs)'' Yeah. [[wikipedia:Blockbusters_(British_game_show)|Blockbuster]], 1991, I got a Gold Run.
:'''Malcolm:''' You know what, I have never seen anyone sweat so much in my life. And I've had a sauna with [[Luciano Pavarotti|Pavarotti]]! I know that politicians and hot air are supposed to go together, but I've never actually seen one vapourise!
:'''Ben:''' Can I get you two fellows a drink?
:'''Malcolm:''' An orange juice, yeah, yes.
:'''Ben:''' Jamie?
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I'll have a pint of 'Fuck right off and die, you miserable fucking tosser'. Do they do that in here?
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a wee bit disappointed.
:'''Jamie:''' We'll get you on [[wikipedia:Newsround|Newsround]] next time. You reflected badly on me, and I don't like that.
:'''Ben:''' Oh come on, Jamie, look, I'll get you a drink and then we'll –
:'''Jamie:''' DO YOU WANT A FUCKING SPLINTER GLASS FACIAL? I'm not pretending to hate you here, I actually fucking hate you! I'm not playing a fucking game. Fuck off! ''(leaves)''
:'''Malcolm:''' He trained as a priest.
:'''Ben:''' Really? Yeah, he'd be fantastic, I'd confess everything to him.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where are you tonight? 'Cause you're not here. What, no invitation for number one party animal, Julius [[Pete Doherty]] Nicholson?
:'''Julius:''' Who's Peter O'Doherty?
:'''Malcolm:''' Stop trying to joke, OK? Don't joke, you are not funny, Julius, you're about as funny as a blind toddler in a fucking minefield.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn''' ''(in his sister's Welsh cottage, on the phone)'': Ah, Malcolm. Terri's just rung about the wankers' announcement, and I thought you'd want to know, Hugh's on the way to the airport, but do you want me to definitely tell him to get on the plane?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, it's too fucking late. What's he gonna do, come and shadow the shadow of DoSAC shadowing him? Show him where the bogs are?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, but you told me to tell him to come home.
:'''Malcolm:''' Did I?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah!
:'''Ollie''' ''(in Malcolm's office, on the phone)'': Right, Hugh, hi. Er, no, I don't think you're going to be wanted back here.
:'''Malcolm:''' What is the problem?
:'''Ollie:''' He's on some road somewhere where he can't do a U-turn for about five miles or something.
:'''Malcolm:''' Good! I like to know that I can still make him miserable even though he's 12,000 miles away.

==Spinners and Losers==
:''(Amidst all the chaos swirling after the announcement of the PM's surprise resignation, Ollie's cell phone rings. It's Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Angela, hello. 
:'''Angela:''' Ollie. How are you? 
:'''Ollie:''' I am tickets-fuckety-boo, thank you very much. 
:'''Angela:''' Sorry?
:'''Ollie:''' Tickets-fuckety-boo. It's just something that Ben says. 
:'''Angela:''' Are you and Ben Swain big buds, then? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you know...Just, could you...
:''(Ollie has to get away from Glenn, because Glenn is talking to Hugh on his cell phone.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Angela)'' Hang on just a second...
:''(Ollie walks away from the action...and then resumes his conversation with Angela.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(in a quieter voice)'' Things are just a little bit fluid here and Glenn's not really a big Ben fan. Ben Swain obviously, not the clock. Well, it's not the clock, is it? It's the bell that's called Big Ben.   
:'''Angela:''' So go on, tell me: Who else is running? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(in the men's toilets)'' Well, no one. No one's gonna stand against Tom now, surely, it's going to be unopposed. ''(Starts using the urinal)'' They'll be rebranding him as we speak, I would imagine: new hair, [[wikipedia:Ted_Baker|Ted Baker]] teeth, all the modern trappings of your political leader –  
:'''Angela:''' Ollie! Are you pissing?  
:'''Ollie:''' Er no, that's the flush of the automatic urinals, it's a gentlemen's lavatory.  
:'''Angela:''' I don't want to talk to you while you're holding your penis.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that's not what you used to say, Angela.  
:'''Angela:''' Er, yes it is.  
:'''Ollie:''' No, well – actually it is precisely what you used to say.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Has anybody seen Jamie?
:'''Glenn:''' Why, have you lost him?
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, don't tell me he's gone feral, 'cause he was fucking terrifying when you had him on the leash!
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's not overreact. 
:'''Ollie:''' Easy for ''you'' to say, he threatened to shove an iPod up my cock! 
:'''Malcolm:''' But you get that a lot, though, don't you?
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(discussing Dan Miller)''  
:'''Glenn:''' You don't think he's got a chance, do you?  
:'''Ollie:''' Nah, he's just a droid, isn't he? He's just – ''(makes robotic noises and gestures)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(lecturing Ollie)'' Hey hey hey hey. Don't-don't-don't let him hear you doing that sort of stuff. What happens if he does stand a chance, eh? He'll fuck you harder than [[wikipedia:Ron_Jeremy|Ron Jeremy]], and with less warmth.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at the Daily Mail's headquarters, Adam Kenyon, the editor-in-chief at the mail, is discussing the news of who's standing for leadership with Angela.)'' 
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, Geoff Holhurst?  
:'''Angela:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam:''' Right, Ollie's our source on this, is he? Ollie Reeder? [[wikipedia:Deep_Throat_(Watergate)|Shallow Throat]]? Brilliant.  
:'''Angela:''' Yeah, I know you don't rate him.  
:'''Adam:''' You can say that again. Ollie Reeder is, to quote [[wikipedia:Bobby Kennedy|Robert F. Kennedy]], a complete fucking spazmaloid. Plus you know how Geoff Holhurst photographs: it looks like his body's in the foreground and his head is really really far away, he looks fucking weird. Just something solid, all right? Otherwise our front page is gonna be an interview with [[wikipedia:Janet_Street-Porter|Janet Street-Porter]] on why she hasn't been asked to be Prime Minister and a giant fucking Sudoku.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Downstairs at Number 10, Malcolm has an awkward run-in with Cliff Lawton.)'' 
:'''Cliff:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Elvis! Sorry, sorry. Cliff, Cliff. Where are you off to? 
:'''Cliff:''' I'm actually off to, uh, to see an old colleague, you know, from the old days, from, uh...before you asked me to resign. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, lovely, lovely. Well, look, I'd love to stop and chat to you, but you know, I'd rather have Type 2 diabetes.  
:'''Cliff Lawton:''' Yes, fuck you, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, Happy New Year.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As Malcolm enters his office, he finds, to his surprise -- or is it dismay? -- Geoff Holhurst. Geoff stands up to greet Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. Hi, Geoff, don't stand. 
:'''Geoff:''' Oh. ''(Geoff sits back down)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, I mean, &quot;Don't stand against Tom.&quot; Now do you see what I did there? I was both being funny and also deadly serious. 
:'''Geoff:''' Yeah, now where did you hear that, Malcolm? I'm not standing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Never mind where I heard it from. The thing is, Geoff... ''(Malcolm sits down in his chair)'' You're gonna waste everybody's time. 
:'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, Malcolm. I'm just trying to start a debate, you know, a policy debate, about the future direction of the party and of the government. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Because first, you've got no credentials. I mean, you're so back bench you've actually fucking fallen off. You're out by the fucking bins where I put you. 
:'''Geoff:''' Hello? Are you listening to me? I'm not standing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Secondly, I'm gonna tell the Mirror about all the drinking. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(laughing)'' I'm not drinking. 
:'''Malcolm:''' And thirdly, I'm gonna tell the Mail about the affair. And fourthly, you've got a tiny head. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(offended)'' No I haven't! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes you have. It's out of proportion, everybody mentions it. 
:'''Geoff:''' Look...
:'''Malcolm:''' See? You're shaking it, and I can hardly see it move. Are you shaking it now? Are you shaking it now? I can't tell. 
:'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, okay? My head is the right size, all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is very petite. So you're not standing...
:'''Geoff:''' No. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right? You will not stand against Tom. 
:'''Geoff:''' I've said. I've bloody said. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, thank you, Geoff. Let's go. Arriva-fucking-derci. ''(Geoff gets up from his chair, and he and Malcolm shake hands.)'' Let's have lunch sometime, yeah? We'll have a tete-a-tiny-tete. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(leaving the office)'' Jesus...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And now, Nick Hanway, a government press relations officer, is entering his way into Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(seeing Nick enter)'' Oh, Nice Nutter Nick! 
:'''Nick Hanway:''' What was all that about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(standing up again)'' Just, you know, putting out a fire. 
:'''Nick:''' Definitely out? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Definitely out. Pissed out. Steam and cinders, pal. Does Tom know you're here? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah, of course, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So how's the rebrand going? 
:'''Nick:''' Okay, we've, um, booked him for a photo op on Tuesday. He's taking the family to a Harvester. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, Jesus Christ, really? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(jokingly as a reporter)'' &quot;Have you been to a Harvester before, Prime Minister?&quot; ''(and now as Tom)'' &quot;No, in fact, I've never actually been outside the fucking house with my family before.&quot; 
:'''Nick:''' Anyway, um, look...do you know the name of the bod who's booked to go on ''Today'' in the morning? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sure, yeah. Do ''you'' know? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah, we just found out. So -- ''you'' know who it is? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, of course ''I'' know. I mean, there's nothing that you know that I don't know. I'm Dr. Fucking Know. 
:'''Nick:''' Who is it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this, are you...Are you testing me now? Is it, 'cause I mean, I could test you. I mean, we could have a big match or testostethon. I mean, how do I know that you've got the fucking name, anyway? 
:'''Nick:''' Because Hugo at ''Today'' told us. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. 
:''(A bit of a pause...)''
:'''Nick:''' So what name have you got? 
:'''(Another hide-and-seek pause...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Dan Miller. 
:'''Nick:''' Oh, okay, so you do know. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course I fucking do. 
:'''Nick:''' Look, um, Tom's announcing his team in the morning, and I've just got to stop Dan Miller announcing his team two hours before we announce ours, so...if you want to get on the bus, that's... 
:'''Malcolm:''' That is my mission? You, Mr. Nutty Bar, have given me a task? Jesus Christ, who the fuck does Tom think he is? 
:'''Nick:''' The next Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Malcolm. 
:''(And with that cool, steely-eyed shot, Nick gets ready to leave Malcolm's office...but Malcolm isn't done with Nick yet.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Nick. ''(beat)'' Tell the mighty fucking Tom that his transition will be as smooth as a Brazilian's fuckh--
:''(But just before Malcolm can finish his comeback retort to Nick, Jamie enters the office from out of nowhere and interrupts the party.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Malcolm and Nick)'' Oh! [[wikipedia:Trinny_and_Susannah|Trinny ''and''  Susannah]]! Well I'm sorry to burst into your little fucking boutique, but you've got a fight on your hands. That's all I'm saying. I'm backing a rival candidate, ''(to Malcolm)'' so fuck you, ''(to Nick)'' and fuck you and your Nutter coronation 'cause it ain't happening.
:'''Nick:''' So you're backing Dan Miller, are you?  
:'''Jamie:''' No, I'm not backing Dan Miller! Don't you fucking ever ask me a question again!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fatty?  
:'''Jamie:''' Oh aye, Fatty, yeah, wee Spider-Man pyjamas, fucking idiot. From now on, it's a proper fight: it's a pub fight, [[wikipedia:Motherwell|Motherwell]] rules, and Tom is gonna get a pint glass in his fucking eye, and a pool cue up his arse, and another pool cue in his other fucking eye!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Geoff Holhurst.  
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, what, Mr Baby New Potato Head? Fuck off.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Jamie is backing Cliff Lawton for leadership. And now, Jamie and Cliff are traveling in a car, discussing strategy.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' ''(confused)'' Sorry? 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' Um, I don't...I don't know what you mean. What? 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' Okay, no, I'm not a horse. 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you sure? 
:'''Cliff:''' I'm sure. 
:'''Jamie:''' You've got a pretty fucking horsey face -- and a bit of a horsey wife. Are you a fucking horse? Are you? 
:'''Cliff:''' Okay, leaving the wife aside...
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' No...
:'''Jamie:''' EXACTLY!
:'''Cliff:''' I can categorically say that I am not a horse.
:'''Jamie:''' Exactly, you are not a fucking horse. You are no horse, and you are not a [[wikipedia:Stalking horse|stalking horse]]. ''You'' are the real thing. 
:'''Cliff:''' ''(nodding in agreement)'' Oh, right. 
:'''Jamie:''' And we are going to ''ram'' you up Tom's are so hard that he has to shit out of his lying mouth. 
:'''Cliff:''' It's not a very nice image, really, is it? ''(beat)'' But it's very motivating. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' And then, Liam said that someone suggested that Tom should go on ''[[wikipedia:Strictly_Come_Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]''.  
:'''Ollie:''' He can barely even walk properly. He looks like he shat himself the whole time.  
:'''Glenn:''' He often has.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Robyn)'': You are going to ''bury'' this Watford arseache tonight, OK? 'Cause tomorrow morning, from broadsheets to wank rags, I want page one, two and three to be a profile of Tom looking like a fucking political colossus, you know: Tom meeting the Pope, Tom in an NHS hospital chatting to little, baldie kiddies. I want pages four and five to be a timeline of the last few years in British politics with ''me'' at the centre, looking fucking indispensable, and fucking benign. And I want page six to be fucking – ''Israel'' or some bullshit, not a fucking DOSAC, DIPSHIT, LEGACY-DISTRACTING COCK-UP!  
:'''Robyn:''' Right, um, Jamie. Look, I just have to say at this point that I do find him just a little bit frightening.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Relax, he has never hit anyone. Or at least, anyone he has hit has never had the balls to take it to a superior. ''(Robyn still looks terrified)'' It's a fucking joke. It's a joke, OK? The man is a professional, you will be fine.  
:'''Glenn:''' Actually, Malcolm? We still have no word on Dan Miller. I mean, he's gone dark, he's not answering his phone –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Maybe he's in a hotel with his own huddle. Ring around, try and find him.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, ring every hotel in London and ask if Dan Miller's booked in?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah! Although he could be using an assumed name.  
:'''Glenn:''' So you want me to ring round every hotel in London, and ask if anyone, of any name, has booked in?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well it will keep you busy, you know, you need to keep the mind active at your age.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' OK, the line is: [[wikipedia:Wildcat_strike_action|wildcat walkout]], we'll be talking to the unions, it's too early to comment. Off the record: er, union Neanderthals with brains the size of children's bogies couldn't take the heat of Hugh Abbot's ring-stinging, shit-hot, public sector reforms, but he's flying back like Harrison Ford with a big whip in one hand and a skinny latte in the other and he's gonna whip six shades of shit out of them and save the world, OK?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone to Jamie)'' There is a glacier of shit at DoSAC! I need you over here, with a fucking blowtorch, right now!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' Nobody gives a shit if you got shafted by Malcolm.
:'''Cliff:''' ''I'' will never, ever forgive him for what he did to me.
:'''Jamie:''' Jesus, this isn't ''[[w:EastEnders|EastEnders]]!'' This is politics! We're all in the same plague pit, Cliff, there's no clean hands!
:''(Jamie's cell phone rings)''
:'''Cliff:''' All right –
:'''Jamie:''' ''(answering the phone)'' Yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' Jamie! What's that sort of droning noise in the background, then?
:'''Cliff:''' Look, okay, here's a more positive approach, right, I'll try this. ''(reads from his speech)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a kind of boring, kind of low sort of droning, boring, kind of miserable whining, boring kind of, sort of boring noise going on?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah, well, you've got it wrong, yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' Cliff fucking Lawton. Hey, nice. Was the Cillit Bang guy not available?
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck you. ''(hangs up)''
:'''Cliff:''' ... To put it simply, I'm back!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh fuck off, Cliff.
:'''Cliff:''' Sorry?
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck off! You're a busted flush! You're not gonna be Prime Minister, you're not gonna be anything, so fuck off.
:'''Cliff:''' This is your thing, isn't it? Everything has to be an absolute, everything has to be black and white! You know: 'I love you, fuck off!' There are lots of shades of grey, you know!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know that, I'm looking at fifteen of them right now. See you later, no-mark.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You've got this bullshit Watford story covered, yeah?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' You and I will have a little discussion later.
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah. I think Watford will get bumped by the fact that we're about to hand the nuclear codes to a guy who, every now and then, loses it so bad he needs satnav to find his own nipples.
:'''Malcolm:''' What are you talking about?
:'''Jamie:''' Well, I just thought it was fair to let everyone know about the Tom rumours, you know. How the guy that's about to become Prime Minister chugs antidepressants like they're fucking [[wikipedia:Smint|Smints]]. How the Black Dog humps his leg and shits in his duvet every four months; I ''think'' that will bump the Watford walkout.
:'''Malcolm:''' You've gone fucking psycho son, fucking psycho! ''(leaves)'' TWAT!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his mobile)'' Hello.
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, what's the plan?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, they don't have a plan.
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, well perhaps you should give them one.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yes, fantastic, actually, Malc, because obviously I have a very suitable one tattooed on the underside of my scrotum, so why don't we use that –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you're using up all the minutes on my 'talk till you get head cancer' tariff!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Swain:''' What do you think?
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Hmm – To be honest, I was really hoping that was going to be shit, because I'm tired and I'd quite like to hit someone.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you in on this?
:'''Jamie:''' I'm not leaving it to you, eh? You couldn't organise a bum-rape in a barracks.
:'''Malcolm:''' Au contraire.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' What we're having here is a secret conversation, and I'm hoping that this time you can keep the fucking secret, because normally you're about as secure as a hymen in a South London [[wikipedia:Comprehensive_school|comprehensive]].
:'''Terri:''' Yep, well done: that's offensive on a number of levels in a very concise way.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Angela Heaney:''' They've ditched Ballentine.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What? Already?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What the fuck is wrong with these people? I mean, what is this, potential leader speed dating? Right, who ''is'' standing?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' I dunno.  
:'''Adam Kenyon''' ''(to another journalist working on a Ballentine story)'': Well, ditch that for a starter, get rid of her, I can't stand her fucking face.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' You know, I think you should eat something.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Oh right, yeah! Eat something, that'd be right, wouldn't it? You know what, our coverage so far has either been wrong or guesswork, which was wrong. So all we have now is a story-shaped hole!  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Seriously, your blood sugar's low.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Makes you very irritable.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' No, what makes me very irritable, Angela, is having ''no'' fucking stories and having to fill an entire newspaper with just fucking prepositions!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' And obviously if you do think about running with this pills story –
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' I will personally fucking eviscerate you, right?
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right.
:'''Malcolm:''' And I mean, I don't have your education, I don't know what that means, but I will start by ripping your cock off and I'll busk it from there, okay?
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Good, thank you, again.
:'''Malcolm:''' Talk to you later.
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Cheers. Bye bye now. ''(Hangs up. To Angela)'' He's a nice guy.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Terri and Robyn)'' Oh hey, Desperate Housewives, have you found out who's leaking yet?
:'''Glenn:''' I have. It's Julius! He's just told me –
:'''Jamie:''' Wait, no, what – That – Julius?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah.
:'''Jamie:''' ''Nicholson?'' That baldy PUSSY? Well, I tell you, if he thinks he's leaking now, wait to see him when I'm finished with him: he'll look like fucking [[wikipedia:The_Passion_of_the_Christ|Mel Gibson's Jesus]]! FUCK! FUCK, FUCK! FUCK!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Julius:''' Why don't I get something in? A man cannot live on Jaffa Cakes alone, obviously. I've tried.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben)'': I'm just gonna go make some nuisance calls, I'll see you in about half a – Stop fucking blinking! Or I will take your optic nerve and strangle you with it. OK. You look after him, Ollie, OK? He's a very important man. Cock like a caber.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What's the news, just –  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' What?  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Just tell me what the fucking news is and I'll put it on the front page. It's not like we're ''[[wikipedia:The_Independent|The Independent]]'', we can't just stick a headline saying 'Cruelty' and then stick a picture of a dolphin or a whale underneath it. I mean, that's just fucking cheating, that's rubbish.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, what I'm hearing is Ben Swain.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Ben Swain?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, I literally don't know who he is. I'm not being stupid or anything, but I physically don't know who Ben Swain is. He could be the leader of the Special Boat Squadron –   
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Service.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' The [[wikipedia:Special_Boat_Service|Special Boat Service]] or whatever it's fucking called, and this could be a massive coup.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Ben Swain is what I'm hearing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' The good news, however, is that the – well, the Tom wobble, it's over. 
:'''Ben Swain:''' And so the –
:'''Malcolm:''' That's great, isn't it?
:'''Ben Swain:''' Yeah! Why is – So what, he's not wobbling, he's – What does that mean?
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it means that all the rats are now returning to a ''very'' buoyant ship and they're playing deck tennis, so that's lovely, isn't it?
:'''Ben Swain:''' What does that mean for me, then?
:'''Malcolm:''' I guess that means that you're standing in the chamber of the House of Commons with your big flaccid dick hanging out with a 'vote for me' sticker on the end.
:'''Ben Swain:''' But you said I had a chance! About half an hour ago you said I was in with a shot!
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking gi– Look, half an hour ago you ''were'' in with a shot! This is half an hour hence! We've fucking time-travelled, yes? We're in a weird and wonderful world, where everything is different. Maybe outside, the polar ice caps have melted. Maybe there's fucking robots knocking about and [[wikipedia:Davina_McCall|Davina McCall]]'s the new Pope. Maybe, you can download ''rice!'' I want you right now to think about ''your'' future, okay? Think about what you are doing, get yourself back on the train to fucking Tomsville pronto, yeah? ''(walking out)'' Half an hour ago.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' What's that, cricket? That's the English equivalent of sport, isn't it? No actual physical contact, just glaring.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' Nicholson! NICHOLSON! The immigration shit. It was you, wasn't it? You mimsy bastard Quisling leak ''fuck!''
:'''Julius:''' Sorry, what are you talking about?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah yeah yeah, you will be sorry, you inflatable cock. You fucking sold us out, didn't you? DENY IT!
:'''Julius:''' Well, James, I can't deny something until I have the actual charge presented to me –
:'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Julius)'' 'Oh oh oh, the actual charge.' ''(normal voice)'' You mean apart from the charge you're gonna get when I clamp jump leads to your baldy bollocks? Okay, okay, okay! You, Julius Nicholson, being of sound mind, but with a body that looks like a giant sex toy, did knowingly do us up the shithole, by passing confidential information to the enemy! And I am gonna have your guts as a skipping rope, and your lungs sun-dried and turned into a little fucking waistcoat!
:'''Julius:''' James, technically it was not a leak, because firstly it's not confidential infor–
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. Eat that fucking prawn.
:'''Julius:''' I'm not eating prawns, Malcolm, I'm on – I'm just telling you –
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. ''(throws a slice of pizza at Julius)'' Eat a bit of fucking pizza.
:'''Julius:''' Don't be stupid. Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat another prawn. ''(throws a prawn)''
:'''Julius:''' Stop it!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws more food)'' Have some fucking chow mein!
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm –
:'''Jamie:''' Here, stuff it in his fucking head! Stuff it in his big baby head!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie, who has just returned with some cheese)'' Get that fucking cheese over there!
:'''Jamie:''' EAT THE CHEESE!
:'''Julius:''' I don't want the cheese, stop it!
:'''Glenn:''' Go on, have some!
:'''Jamie:''' ''(throwing food at Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE! EAT THE FUC–  
:'''Julius:''' ''(being pelted by Malcolm and Ollie)'' This isn't funny, this is an expensive suit! James, just –   
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck!
:'''Julius:''' What the ''fuck'' are you doing, mate? ''(runs out of the door)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey, right!
:'''Jamie:''' EAT THE FUCKING CHEESE! ''(chasing after Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE, NICHOLSON!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Fucking ''hell!'' Fuck! Jesus. I'm not a joke, okay? All right? Hello? I am a man! I am a man, you know? You know?! This... THIS...! THIS IS MY LIFE! I'M A HUMAN BEING, AND ALL THIS IS MY LIFE! And it's collapsing in front of me! You know, Tom's lot, they're never gonna want me, are they? And fucking Hugh, now he – Jesus Christ, this is all...! ''I AM A MAN!'' And –
:'''Terri:''' I know, listen –
:'''Glenn:''' No you don't –
:'''Terri:''' I do! 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm irrelevant! No no, go away, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant.
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, Glenn, Glenn –
:'''Glenn:''' FUCKING HUGH JUST WANTS TO SPEAK TO [[wikipedia:Teletubbies#Characters|TINKY WINKY]]?! WELL, ''FUCK'' TINKY WINKY! FUCK YOU, TINKY WINKY! [[Auf Wiedersehen, Pet|Auf Wiedersehen Pet]], the party's over, [[wikipedia:Goodbye_Yellow_Brick_Road|Goodbye Yellow Brick Road]]! WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HITLER?! WELL, HE HAD A MOUSTACHE AND HE LIVED OVER THERE! FUCK US ALL!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(receives an alert on his phone)'': Oh, I've been summoned to the breakfast meeting, to talk to Tom about this morning: some details about Claire Ballentine, maybe; Geoff Holhurst; young Benjamin here.
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Fuck you very much, you unscrupulous bastard.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Scruples? Scruples, what are they? Is that those low-fat [[wikipedia:Kettle_Foods|Kettle Chips]]? OK people, wake up and smell the cock! Hey Ben, next time that you wanna stab Caesar, make sure you're not holding a fucking plastic spoon.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The Mail are revealing that Ben Swain was racist to a cleaner)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I've been leaking for 27 years, I know how it's done, I leaked it!  
:'''Ollie:''' You don't leak! Well not from the mouth, anyway.  
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking shut up. At least this is Hugh's Glenn. All that you are, mate, is fucking ''Ben's'' Glenn.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''Guardian Online'', right?  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes.  
:'''Ollie:''' I notice they got Tom to do the questionnaire.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, trying to make himself look more like a human being and less like a calculator with Aspergers? What does he say?  
:'''Ollie:''' 'When were you happiest?' 'At the birth of my son.'  
:'''Glenn:''' Bollocks, he wasn't even at the birth of his son. Actually no, he was in an all-night sitting of the Communications Bill, fast asleep. And his sister-in-law woke him with a text.  
:'''Ollie:''' 'What was the last CD you bought?' 'The Scissor Sisters'. ''(Glenn laughs.)'' And do we believe him? 'Which living person do you most admire?'  
:'''Glenn:''' Er, well that's tough. Nelson Mandela?  
:'''Ollie:''' Correct! I think you just press F5 for that one, to be absolutely honest with you. 'How do you relax?' 'Cannabis and wanking'?  
:'''Glenn:''' He hasn't.  
:'''Ollie:''' No of course he hasn't, you idiot, 'Listening to opera'.  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, right.  
:'''Ollie:''' While wanking.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Why tonight of all ''fucking nights'', why tonight?  
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' Oh well, that's easy: Tucker's Law. 'If some cunt ''can'' fuck something up, that cunt will pick the worst possible time to fucking fuck up because that cunt's a cunt.' I've got that embroidered on a tea towel at home.

=== Opposition Extra ===
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Peter, hi, it's Emma. Now listen, Stewart says this really ''is'' the strategy.
:'''Peter Mannion:''' We're supposed to be the opposition, for Christ's sake. In the old days, we wouldn't have been weeping over his grave, we'd have been pissing on it.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' If we start point-scoring now, we're just going to look like opportunist weasels.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Well, weasily done.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Sorry?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' It's weasily done.  
:'''Phil Smith:''' It's a joke.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' That was a joke?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Tell Stewart I'm not doing it. Tell him bollocks to it, tell him to fuck off.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Tell Stewart to f– Now, Peter, that's not really a very good idea, is it? He's not going to like it if you tell him to fuck off, is he?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Not actually. Yeah, not actually fuck off, just make an excuse, pretty it up, but when you do tell him, make sure that he knows, reading between the lines, that I told you to tell him to fuck off, but you're prettying it up.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Peter Mannion:''' I was supposed to be making an announcement this morning on the failures in the immigration system, making a big speech!  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah, Peter, we were there; you know, I mean, you were giving your recipe for spag bol, and then [[wikipedia:Gordon_Ramsay|Gordon Ramsay]] walks in and takes us all out for peacock and chips.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma Messinger''' ''(arriving at Peter's house)'': Peter! Peter? Hi, it's Emma. ''(whispers)'' Oh sorry, you're on the phone, sorry.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Oh hi, Emma! I thought it was Kate Winslet, she generally pops round about now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart Pearson''' ''(on the phone)'': Peter, we need you to go on [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|News 24]], like Phil asked, and to say nice things about the PM.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' If I'm praising the PM, can I at least have a go at Tom and the Nutters? Can I at least subtly suggest they're waving in a man who pulls himself off by reading European tax law amendments?  
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' No way! No way, we do not slag off Tom, we want Tom in. Tom is our big fat, socially dysfunctional, swing-voter repellent, golden weirdo ticket.
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Surely you can understand how this will work in our favour, Peter? I mean, they're going to elect a man who can count his friends on the fingers of, like, of my father's right hand!  
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' Dan Miller is thinking of standing, that's what I'm hearing. Yeah, oh sorry, just a minute, just a min– ''(to a colleague outside his office)'' Mark! Mark! When I say I want you to cc JB on everything to do with these interviews, I do mean everything, not just the things that ''you'' think are important. I'm an extraordinarily precise man, Mark, that's why my wife left me. ''(back on the phone)'' JB doesn't want Dan Miller, he's too young and he's too witty, whereas Tom looks 92 and he's about as funny as [[wikipedia:Norman_Wisdom|Norman Wisdom]]. We slag Tom off once he's elected, but not now, hm?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(watching TV in their flat)''  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Phil, switch over, we haven't looked at News 24 for a bit.  
:'''Phil Smith:''' No, it would just be the Ten Glorious Years package in permanent orbit. Is it just me, or does [[wikipedia:Noel_Gallagher|Noel Gallagher]] getting older look like one of those Evolution of Man wall charts in reverse?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ollie''' ''(answers his mobile)'': Morning.  
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, have you seen the ''Mail''?  
:'''Ollie:''' Erm, no I haven't, I'm under 40 and I have a penis, why?  
:'''Emma:''' They've got a big graphic on the night's winners and losers. Yeah, it's not a great picture of you.  
:'''Ollie:''' What? Me – What, I'm in it?  
:'''Emma:''' You look very very pasty and about nine, so –  
:'''Ollie:''' Am I a winner or a loser?  
:'''Emma:''' You are a loser!  
:'''Ollie:''' I'm a loser? For fuck's sake – ''(Emma is listening to the radio)'' God, is that Ben on ''[[wikipedia:Today_(BBC_Radio_4)|Today]]'' in the background? You can even hear him blinking on the radio. This is absolute bollocks, I'm not supposed to be in the paper, Em, I'm just, you know – It's not me who's supposed to be in the paper, is it? It's fucking ridiculous.
:'''Emma:''' Oh come on, it's only the ''Mail'', don't worry about it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, I know it's the ''Daily Mail'', but you know – my mum gets the ''Mail''.

== Series 3, Episode 1 ==
:''(It's Cabinet Reshuffle Day in the British Government, and Malcolm Tucker has got his finger on the trigger.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ed! Get Tom Rudd in. Now. We're offering him Northern Ireland, the lucky sod. 
:'''Ed:''' I think he's expecting to be offered Transport. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, tell him he's taking the bus to George Best airport, right? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' He’s making Paul Remington a Cabinet Minister. Remtard Remington. I mean the guy is an epic fuck-up. He’s so dense that light bends around him. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': Come on people, let’s get going here! I’ve got a to-do list that’s longer than a fucking [[w:Leonard Cohen|Leonard Cohen]] song! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Ollie Reeder and Terri Coverley are discussing the Cabinet reshuffle at DoSAC.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his computer)'' Remtard at Energy and Climate Change. 
:'''Terri:''' Really? I'm not getting that. ''(Terri looks at her computer.)'' It's not on here. How did you get that about Remington? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(slightly annoyed)'' Refresh the page. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah. Ah, yeah. Oh look, Fatty's staying put! They're not moving Fatty! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, that's 'cause they haven’t got five big blokes and a winch.
:'''Terri:''' They couldn't really demote Fatty, 'cause he knows too much. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well he doesn't know where the [[w:Ryvita|Ryvita]] is kept, does he?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is on the phone once more, talking to a colleague about how busy he is.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got this -- this-this reshuffle going on, the Leamington Spa by-election coming up, I've got more on my plate than a spinster at a wedding. That wasn't a reference to your daughter by the way, Andrew. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Hugh Abbot has lost his place in the reshuffle.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Well. That's Hugh gone, then. 
:'''Terri:''' It's so sad, isn't it? Hugh. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' You don't give a ''shit''! 
:''(beat)''
:'''Terri:''' ...No, well, perhaps I don't. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Ollie:''' Northern Ireland office, Tom Rudd. Who's Tom Rudd? Tom Rudd? 
:'''Terri:''' Isn't he in ''Harry Potter''? 
:'''Glenn:''' Tom Rudd is army slang for standing-up buggery. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(calling out to Doug Hayes)'' Doug! Doug! Dougie! Look at you, cock like [[wikipedia:Pink_Panther_(character)|the Pink Panther's]] tail. Come have a Kit Kat. 
:'''Doug Hayes:''' I'm afraid I turned it down, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know ninety percent of household dust is made of dead human skin? That's what you are. To me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is back on the phone with Andrew -- AND, of course, Malcolm accidentally insults Andrew's daughter.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Doug Hayes is a massive abortion. Again, not a reference to your daughter. We need somebody to plug this DoSAC hole. Anybody. A fucking mammal with a head. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' Have you two finished emptying your desks yet? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(agitated)'' Yes, don't worry, Terri, we're all ready to go. 
:'''Terri:''' I'm just trying to get everything organised for whenever whoever arrives. They are gonna have their own people. It's gonna be very embarrassing if your hand cream's still in the drawer. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''Hand cream?'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, whatever men have. I don't know, electric nose-hair trimmers, Ex-Lax...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(mocking Glenn)'' Aww, look at Glenn. Your face...On the scrapheap at the tender age of 76? It's no life for you, is it, Glenn, this? Hey, do you want me to call Dignitas? ''(beat)'' I could call Indignitas. They could come round and shove you out of the window dressed as a clown. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone again)'' Get me, um, Nicola Murray. Yeah. If she says &quot;no&quot;, well, I don't know, the only other candidate is my left bollock with a fucking smiley face drawn on it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Terri announces and introduces the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce the new Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship, Nicola Murray. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Nicola Murray is the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. As she heads into her new office, she gets a cell phone call from her husband, James.)'' 
:'''Nicola Murray:''' ''(on the phone to her husband.)'' Um...Yes, I know. They just -- they frog-marched me into it. ''(beat)'' I didn't know. I had no idea. ''(beat)'' James, be fair! I did -- I-I left seven fucking messages for you. Your secretary or whoever is useless. I don't think the school thing's gonna be a problem. It's not gonna be a problem 'cause they'll have vetted me at Number 10. And obviously nobody has soiled themselves or shot me. Great, well, I'll take your warm congratulations as implied. ''(Nicola hangs up her phone.)'' Fucking arsehole. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Terri checks to see if Nicola's alright.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' You all right? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yes, it's all a bit crazy. No, it just feels like my head's made entirely of smoke alarms. ''(laughing)'' At the moment, it's all a bit ''OOH...'' ''(Nicola mimes an explosion.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well, it was a bit of a shock for us all, you know. 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm sure. 
:'''Terri:''' In a good way, in a good way. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good. 
:'''Terri:''' Well, like twins or a tax rebate. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Nicola calls both Glenn and Ollie into her office to discuss her policy as the new head of DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' My primary focus is social mobility, that's very much my -- my Big Thing. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. 
:'''Nicola:''' And I suppose I'm telling you that, really, partly to get your take on it and also so that you can, you know, start spreading the news and printing the posters and, uh, you know, fire up the turbo chargers, set the phases to equality: It's Murray time!  
:'''Glenn:''' The thing is – and Ollie, please correct me here if I'm wrong.  
:'''Ollie:''' I will certainly do that.  
:'''Glenn:''' Social mobility, making people richer, costs money.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, and we don't have any of that, really.  
:'''Nicola:''' Right.  
:'''Ollie:''' I mean, if you speak to Nick at the Treasury he will tell you the same, only with his annoying lisp.  
:'''Nicola:''' What you're telling me is that basically I'm gonna be a woman with a computer and some pens. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, it's just a pen budget.  
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, I have about as much ''real'' power as [[wikipedia:The_Apprentice_(UK_TV_series)#The_Board|those twats who sit either side]] of [[Alan Sugar]].  
:'''Ollie:''' Well – Yes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Ollie are in Nicola's office, trying to give her tips on how to deal with Malcolm. But before they can do so...Malcolm walks in.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the office)'' Is this the No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency? 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm Tucker! The real deal. Hello. 
:''(Malcolm and Nicola shake hands.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola, smiling)'' The real deal. Good to see you. You're looking great! ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' All right, Hinge and Bracket, time to go and hang up your lady-cocks. 
:''(Glenn and Ollie leave, and Malcolm continues his conversation with Nicola.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola Murray! Here you are, Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yep, I now have one of the longest job titles in Western politics. Thank God I don't have to wear a lapel badge. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a pity that we couldn't just make an abbreviation of it, you know, like PFI. Which I think stands for Pretty Fucking Imbarrassing. If you're a bit sloppy about the details, which clearly your fucking husband is. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, look, James works for Albany, fine. He wasn't even working there when the contract was awarded. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(smiling)'' Don't worry, don't worry. That was just me, that was...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(getting the joke)'' Okay, right. Fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(serious again)'' I mean, that's the sort of thing the press will throw at you. I mean, you step out of line, they'll be all over you like a pigeon on a chip, you know? Is that your chair?
:'''Nicola:''' Oh God, yeah. It's cool, isn't it? It's got, um, lumbar support.
:'''Malcolm:''' Bin it. People don't like their politicians to be comfortable. They don't like you having expenses. They don't like you being paid. They'd rather you lived in a fucking cave.
:'''Nicola:''' Ok, fine. So, uh, what should I be sitting on? Should I just get an upturned KFC bucket?
:'''Malcolm:''' A fucking normal chair, right? Not a fucking massive vibrating throne.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri are watching Malcolm's conversation with Nicola outside the office...wondering if Nicola will keep any of them on.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm must be hating this. All these bright, fresh, new ministers to blood in ''and'' to plan a by-election. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' If it's any consolation to you, a little bit of you will always be in this department, because she's nabbed your chair. Hasn't she? She's got your chair, and, in fact, your dandruff. 
:'''Glenn:''' Ha ha ha. If I go, that chair is coming with me. 
:'''Ollie:''' You know those old men you see who go to the park to read the paper? That'll be you. You could go in your chair. They'd make you King of All the Tramps. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, in Nicola's office...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So, uh, you got three kids, yeah? 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, I've got four. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Four! 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Katie's 16, she's the eldest. She's just left school. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Not going to a college or university? 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, she's a bit of a rebel. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(concerned)'' What sort of a rebel? I mean, so, I mean, look, what are we talking here? Are we talking a pierced navel or holidays at Pakistani training camp? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's-it's chiefly heroin. ''(beat)'' Although she has cut down since getting pregnant by that Nigerian people-smuggler, because the track marks would have affected her porn career. 
:''(Terri has awkwardly entered the office. She politely apologizes for the interruption, but feels...a little awkward about the conversation taking place.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry to disturb. Um... ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Morning, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Just wanted to give you a few things here. That's change from the fruit salad. This is this morning's paper. Do excuse me. 
:''(Terri politely leaves the office...and Nicola resumes her chat with Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, I'm surprised that you, uh, haven't vetted me, I thought you'd know about the kids. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's just that 'cause you were just a sort of, you were a bit of a late-ish kind of appointment. 
:'''Nicola:''' Mmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' That didn't quite give me the time to, you know, to &quot;fuck the I'd and fist the T's,&quot; as Robert Robertson might say. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;   
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sounds to me like that she's only bringing in, um, one other person, so...you know, I wonder whether she might keep one of us on permanently. 
:'''Terri:''' Thank God I'm safe. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Je- We ''know'' you're safe, Terri! How do we know you're safe? We know your safe, because you keep using the word &quot;safe,&quot; like bloody [[wikipedia:Jim_Bowen|Jim Bowen]]! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(imitating Jim Bowen presenting [[wikipedia:Bullseye_(British_game_show)|Bullseye)]]'' Yeah, you've got DoSAC, that's safe. Do you want to go for the treasury, young lady? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Nicola are now discussing her kids...including Nicola's 11-year-old daughter, who is starting secondary school in September.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay. Mrs. Walton. What about these other kids? What-what ages are they? 
:'''Nicola:''' They're 11, 9 and 5. 
:'''Malcolm:''' 11?
:'''Nicola:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So that's, uh, secondary school? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, she's, uh, still at primary, state primary. Lovely little school with, um, terrible SATS results, but, you know, really good kind of broad demographic and steel band. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So, she will be going to a secondary school, what, in September? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. So, um...I-I can see where this is going. Um, it's not an issue. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Great! If it's not an issue, I'll just fucking toddle off, then. I'll go and have a nice relaxing wee sleep under my duvet. Probably won't even have to tug myself off, 'cause I'm so fucking relaxed about that. 'Cause I know that there is no fucking issue here. Right? 
:'''Nicola:''' She's not going to the comprehensive, Malcolm. She's going to a local independent school.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus H fucking ''Corbett.'' Do you honestly think, do you honestly believe that as a minister you can get away with that? You are saying that, uh, that, that all your local state schools, ''all'' the schools that this government has drastically improved are knife-addled rape sheds, and that's not a big story? For fuck's sake. Sort it or abort it!  
:'''Nicola:''' Let's get this clear: My family is off limits, all right? This job is not gonna get anywhere near my husband and my kids, it just doesn't.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it fucking does. As per the wee barcode and the serial number under your right armpit, you are now built and owned by the state, and you are under the spotlight 24 hours a day, darling! ''(beat)'' Do you know what you are? You're a fucking human dartboard, and [[wikipedia:Eric_Bristow|Eric fucking Bristow]]'s on the [[wikipedia:Oche|oche]] flinging a million darts made of human shit right at you. Can you take that? Can you?
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, look. You, the &quot;All-Swearing Eye.&quot; You didn't even know how many kids I had! You had to ask me! So who on Earth in the press is gonna even know or care? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you remember ''[[wikipedia:The Big Breakfast|The Big Breakfast]]''? Remember that programme? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(exasperated)'' Yes! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You remember how [[wikipedia:Chris Evans (presenter)|Chris Evans]] started that? Do you remember it was a big success? And then they had that guy, [[wikipedia:Johnny Vaughan|Johnny Vaughan]], remember him?
:'''Nicola:''' Uh-huh. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Everybody loved him. Fuck knows why, but they loved him. Do you know what this is here? This here is fucking Series 10 of ''The Big Breakfast.'' And do you know what you are? You're the fucking dinner lady that they have asked to come and present the show. The reason I didn't know about you and your children is 'cause you were so low down on the list of candidates for this job, I didn't even have the chance to look into you. ''(beat)'' So low. ''(beat)'' Wayyyyy way way way way way way way wayyy...low. 
:''(A brief pause...and then Malcolm starts up again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You are now being scrutinised for what you wear, what you say. For your hair, your shoes, your fucking earrings, your fucking cleavage ''and'' your dress, which, by the way, is ''way'' too loud! 
:'''Nicola:''' TOO LOUD?! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm getting fucking tinnitus here! Look. ''(beat)'' Your crooked husband, I can make go away. But your crooked husband combined with you being worried about your underage daughter coming home up the duff from some truanting bastard, I cannot. She goes to the comp, okay? 
:''(Malcolm finally leaves Nicola's office, allowing Nicola to recover from the Terrible Tucker Tornado.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(relieved)'' Oooh, God...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(At Number 10, Malcolm sees Ed walking down the hall, all stressed out.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, what's wrong with you? You look like you've shat a Lego garage or something. 
:'''Ed:''' Jim Lane's daughter is standing as an independent in Leamington Spa. 
:''(Malcolm and Ed start walking...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(silently, to himself)'' For fuck's sake...fuck. ''(to Ed)'' This is gonna split our vote. 
:'''Ed:''' Do you think we're in trouble? Maybe we should have chosen her over Liam Bentley. 
:'''Malcolm:''' No. She thinks just because her dead fat-arse dad was the MP that gives her the right to be our candidate? No no no. This isn't Czarist Russia. It's not the fucking Dimblebys. 
:'''Ed:''' What do we do? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We send everyone up there, to support Liam Bentley, including the Prime Minister.  
:'''Ed:''' You want to send Tom up there?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, fuck it, he'll be all right as long as he doesn't do the smile. You hit the phones, right? I'll be with you in two shakes of a crying baby.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You have been asked by the PM, specifically, to pop along to Leamington, and do some photo ops with Liam Bentley, supporting him, yeah? 
:'''Nicola:''' I don't really have any choice, do I?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you have a choice. You can decide exactly how you say yes. You can do it with a voice. Have fun with it.  
:'''Nicola:''' ''(Pause)'' Yes. ''(Beat)'' In my own voice.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Well you know what, Howard, she's not bent, either in the sense of being corrupt or being gay. And by the way, that's an incredibly homophobic headline, you massive poof. ''(enters Nicola's office)'' You've got egg on your face, Howard, you over-easy pissbag. ''(hangs up. To Terri, Ollie and Glenn)'' Oh hey, [[Yoko Ono]] and the two remaining Beatles, piss off.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola suspects that Malcolm set up the 'I am bent' photos)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. Sorry, can we just carry on talking about that thing? Was it you who positioned me there?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(waiting for a lift)'' Do you know what the first sign of madness is? Paranoia. Have you seen that film, you know, ''[[A Beautiful Mind (film)|A Beautiful Mind]]'', the one with that, er, [[Russell Crowe]]? The one where [[wikipedia:John_Forbes_Nash_Jr.|the maths guy]] thinks that the CIA are working away in his shed at the bottom of his garden? That's you.  
:'''Nicola:''' No. I'm not the mad one here. ''You'' are the mad one, you're Russell Crowe.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, ''you'' are Russell Crowe. ''(waves patronisingly at her)'' And you need to fucking listen to me, Russell, you fucking Antipodean fucking kangaroo-loving fruitcake! See this poster stuff? That's fucking small fry. That's fucking whitebait, Russ me old [[wiktionary:cobber#English|cobber]]. ''(enters the lift)'' The really horrible stuff, that's all still about to happen to you, right? Right, you're coming in here so we can carry this on?  
:'''Nicola:''' What, now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Err, if you can spare the time!  
:'''Nicola:''' Err, no. ''(Pause)'' No, I can't – I don't use lifts, I'm claustrophobic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(incredulous)'' You're ''what?''  
:'''Nicola:''' Not hugely, I can be in rooms, you've seen that, I just don't do lifts, that's all.  
:'''Malcolm:''' But this lift is – I mean, it's fucking huge! I mean, this is bigger than some rooms, this is bigger than some people's flats! 
:'''Nicola:''' It's about not being able to get out. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well that's great. That's fucking great, that's another fucking thing, right there: not only have you got a fucking bent husband and a fucking daughter that gets taken to school in a fucking sedan chair, you're also fucking ''mental!'' Jesus Christ, see you, you are a fucking ''[[w:omnishambles|omnishambles]]'', that's what you are. You're like that coffee machine, you know: &quot;from bean to cup, you fuck up&quot;.
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to herself, returning to her office)'' He so is Russell Crowe!  
:'''Terri:''' ''(at her desk, overhearing)'' Who?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where the fuck is Doug Hayes?  
:'''Ed:''' Yes, we put in a lot of calls.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, put it a lot more calls: I'm talking 'psycho ex-girlfriend with a really good tariff'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' Because if you are worried about Malcolm, well, you know, Ollie and I have amassed one or two tips, how to deal with him, over the years. It's pretty much common sense, really: don't drive a gas guzzler, don't sign up for [[wikipedia:Bupa|Bupa]], don't have an affair. Don't tell racist jokes, however ironic.  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh!  
:'''Glenn:''' Don't send your children to independent schools.  
:'''Ollie:''' Don't dig up [[Diana, Princess of Wales|Diana]] and have [[Patrick Moore]] play Nazi drinking songs on her ribs.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah I suppose so, he's gonna have to let her go free-range for a week, isn't he? Till after the by-election. Then he can snap her beak off, cram her into the battery cage; Nicola: 'I'm not really good with cages', ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'Get in there Nicola, fucking get in till you're perfectly square, and you're shiteing cuboid eggs!'  
:'''Terri:''' ''(sighing)'' Thank God I'm safe. I'm glued to this department and you'd have to steam me off.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Well you don't have to worry about me: You don't hang around in this business as long as I have without picking up contacts.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but [[Benjamin Disraeli|Disraeli]]'s dead, Glenn, he died in the Crimea, did you not hear the town crier announce it?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' It's never too soon to go to Leamington. It's the Venice of the Midlands, if Venice was fucking horrible.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Have a lovely time in Leamington, yeah? I hear it's got the best [[wikipedia:Lidl|Lidl]] in the West Midlands.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' ''(at the poster launch in Leamington)'' And we need to be investing, er, at least –  
:'''Glenn:''' Invest? Did I hear her say 'invest'?  
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Ollie, she's gone off-piste, she's off the mountain now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus. She's so far off the mountain, she's being finger-banged in a chalet by Bigfoot.

== Series 3, Episode 2 ==
:''(Malcolm and Nicola are talking about a newspaper story calling for Nicola to be &quot;sacked.&quot;)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' You've seen the sack race thing, I suppose. Yeah, there it is. 
:''(Malcolm, of course, thinks the story is funny.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' It's not funny! It's not even accurate, because technically I was fourth. So, really, they should have said, &quot;Fourth in the Sack race.&quot; I think we should complain to the PCC. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, stop worrying: the PM is not going to sack you after a week. Sacked after twelve months, looks like you've fucked up; sacked after a week, looks like ''he's'' fucked up. 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not doing ''terribly'', am I? 
:''(beat)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(looking out of the car window)'' I love the way that they've sandblasted everything around here. It's so ''clean''!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I'd just like people to get to know the real me. You know, I feel like I'm coming across as a bit...Oh, I don't know. Glum. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Smug. 
:'''Nicola:''' Smug? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, you're coming across as more smug than glum. 
:'''Nicola:''' 'Cause I am actually quite a fun person, underneath all of this. I've got loads of friends.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm sure you have, but the trouble is when you say something like that, it sounds a wee bit smug. ''(to Nicola's driver)'' Can you just pull in over here? And you can take out that cyclist as you go in, I think he's [[wikipedia:Shadow_Cabinet|Shadow Cabinet]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' I have here the minutes which are a record and – 
:'''Ollie:''' No no no, you can't just overwrite minutes! You specifically can't do it, 'cause you can't unlock a PDF file.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robyn:''' Do you know, Malcolm? ''(Malcolm stares back, gravely)'' Er, the best way to clear a paper jam? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't know. Kill a kid an hour until it sorts itself out?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola is trying to talk to Malcolm...)''
:'''Nicola:''' So. Malcolm --
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, oh, oh. Incoming body parts. Excuse me. (Malcolm answers his cell phone) Look, if this has got any bigger, you're gonna feel the thump of a fucking harpoon in your thorax. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Does he know? Well, follow him. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (still on his phone) I hope you like shitting toenails, because that's what you're gonna be doing all of next week. And don't worry, I've painted them yellow so they'll look like fucking sweet corn. 
:''(Robyn is trying to secretly follow Malcolm, but backs away when she sees him coming her way)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (on his phone) The guy's a fucking liability! (softly) Jesus Christ. Listen, I want...
:''(Robin makes her way back towards the others, and they have to whisper so Malcolm doesn't hear them talking.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' Look, I couldn't hear everything, he takes very long strides...
:'''Ollie:''' What, are you a fucking penguin? Just run. 
:'''Robyn:''' Look, I'm a civil servant, not a fucking Olympic athlete! 
:''(Malcolm seems to be off his cell phone...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. What's occurring, Hermann Goring? 
:''(But then his cell phone rings. Again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (annoyed) ''WHAT?'' (And then...Malcolm doesn't like what he hears...) You're fucking kidding me. Excuse me. ''(to Nicola and the team)'' Two minutes and I will be back. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(On Nicola's orders, Robyn starts following Malcolm again. She's soon approached by Glenn.)
:'''Glenn:''' Hi, Robyn! Hey, look. Um...You know Phil Davis? Is he a Davies or a Davis? 
:'''Robyn:''' I know you don't like me, Glenn, but you're not sacking me. 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:''(Both Glenn and Robyn are smiling and laughing at each other falsely throughout their conversation...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' (still laughing) I'm protecting you. 
:'''Robyn:''' Okay, well, you know, I've got your back as well. Even though I know you are the guy who authorized the wiping of the back-up. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that may or may not be true. 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, it is true. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, it may or it may not be true. 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, that is true.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(After spending a long time on his cell phone, Malcolm finally makes his way back to Nicola's office to see her and the staff. This time, he's making his entrance by jokingly pretending to be the Big Bad Wolf.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (in a gruff voice) ''Little pigs...Little PIGS...Let me come in. Don't worry about the hair on your chinny-chin-chin.'' (Malcolm's still smiling.) 
:'''Nicola:''' So what was your call? 
:'''Malcolm:''' What was my call? 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You want to know what my call was?  
:'''Nicola:''' Was it important? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry, I didn't realize that I had to run my calls through your bed-wetters' switchboard here. I usually just dial 1-1-Hate. 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm, do you know? 
:'''Ollie:''' Obviously, he knows. 
:'''Glenn:''' No, he ''doesn't'' know. 
:''(Nicola decides to come clean to Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' There has been a massive irretrievable data loss. The last seven months' worth of new immigrant details have gone, apparently lost in the computer. 
:''(Malcolm can't help but smile and chuckle with disbelief...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know what, you know what's really fucking sad here is that I don't even have the energy to pretend I already knew. Which is for the best, because I'm gonna need all of my fucking energy to fucking rip all of your bodies to bits with my bare hands and sell off, ''(sees Nicola gesture to herself)'' yeah, sell off your fucking flayed skin, as a ''sleeping bag! To a fucking normal person!''  
:'''Nicola:''' Can I just say that getting angry actually isn't gonna help anything. I've done anger, I'm currently at grief, I'm working my way towards, er, bargaining, whatever, you know – you're behind me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' So what is your great strategy for dealing with this? Come on: I mean, I'm fucking all ears, I'm fucking [[Andrew Marr]] here!  
:'''Nicola:''' So let's – Terri, let's hear what you –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's go, let's get going, high-level tactical discussion, I'm up for it!  
:'''Terri:''' Right, er, blaming the department minister might be a high-risk strategy.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, high-risk: saucy! Power serve!  
:'''Nicola:''' My pitch would be: this department is fatally flawed, it's out of condition, it's obese, it's asthmatic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That's it girl, back over the net.  
:'''Glenn:''' You need to be really sure about that, Nicola.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, wise words from the distinguished elderly gay fucking tennis coach here.  
:'''Ollie:''' Seriously, I think we should talk about my strategy further because I really think that that's the way.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(interrupting)'': Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the fucking wee ball boy's having a go now with his wee fucking tight shorts on! ''(to Robyn, who has returned with a tray of drinks)'' What about [[wikipedia:Sue_Barker|Sue Barker]]'s little sister here? What's she got to say? You got something to say, to add to the conversation?  
:'''Robyn:''' No, er, just that there was no lemon zinger so, um, ''(to Nicola)'' this is coffee, is that all right?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Do ''The Guardian'' know about this?  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh fuck, I don't – Fucking ''Guardian'', I don't know.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, as it's referred to in my department.  
:'''Terri:''' Should I find out? Get some feelers?  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(looking at Terri's breasts)'': Yeah go on, get your feelers out for the lads.
:'''Nicola:''' What do you think, Malcolm? Shitting on the department, will that work? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, let's cause a little bit of friction. Let's fire someone. What about Glenn? 
:'''Ollie:''' No, you can't just fire Glenn like that! 
:'''Nicola:''' We could fire Glenn. 
:'''Terri:''' Shall I get his file? 
:'''Glenn:''' No! I've got a list! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' See, there you are, he's got a list. 
:''(They're all leaving Nicola's office)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You're a new broom, you're sweeping up trouble with one end, broom-handling incompetent staff up the tunnel with the other. 
:'''Nicola:''' So, Malcolm, how do we play it at ''The Guardian?'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (smiling uncomfortably) Smile! Be gay! Smile, smile, smile! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at Nicola's'' Guardian ''lunch)'': Afternoon, ladies! I heard there were sandwiches and I'm a fucker for cress – No no no, please don't get up, I'm not [[wikipedia:Sildenafil|Viagra]]. Geoffrey. ''(shakes hands)'' 
:'''Geoffrey:''' Always a pleasure.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Good to see you. John, how are you doing? ''(John gets up to shake hands)'' I just want to tell you, I really enjoyed your novel.  
:'''John:''' Oh, thank you very much!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Way of writing a fucking awful story. Joking, joking!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola has accidentally revealed the data loss to an on-the-record journalist.)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' FUCK'S SAKE! Jesus – Christ! Well, now we've got another fucking adjective to add to fucking 'smug' and 'glum', haven't we?! Fucking 'RETARDED'! JESUS Ch– Do you not think it would be germane to ''check'' who you're talking to?! IT'S A FUCKING NEWSPAPER OFFICE! IT'S NOT A FUCKING SANATORIUM FOR THE FUCKING DEAF, IS IT?! ARE YOU ''SO'' DENSE?! Am I gonna have to run around, slapping badges on people, with a big tick on some and a big cross on others, so you know ''when'' to shut your gob and when to open it?! Jesus Christ! Oh, but that'll probably confuse you as well, won't it?! That'll be too confusing! You'd see the cross and go &quot;Oh, fuck! X marks the spot! Better tell this little person all about the Prime Minister's fucking CATASTROPHIC ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!&quot; Oh, but not to worry, not to worry, you've sent fucking Ollie over there to deal with it. ''(Nicola tries to speak)'' FUCKING OLLIE! HE'S A FUCKING- HE'S A FUCKING KNITTED SCARF, THAT TWAT, HE'S A FUCKING BALACLAVA!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' It just seems to me that all we'd be losing if we got rid of Robyn is somebody who makes a weak cup of tea, you know, I don't think we've – ''(mobile rings)'' Shit, Malcolm. ''(answers)'' Hello? 
:'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office)'': Get over here, now. Might be advisable to wear brown trousers, and a shirt the colour of blood. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Nicola:''' Fuck.  
:'''Glenn:''' Has he run off? He does that.  
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, it's all just gone really [[wikipedia:HBO|HBO]].&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola and Terri sit down in Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I just wanted to say to you, by way of introductory remarks, that I'm ''extremely'' miffed about today's events and, in my quest to try and make you understand the level of my, um, unhappiness, I'm likely to use an awful lot of what we would call ''violent sexual imagery'', and I just wanted to check that neither of you would be terribly offended by that. 
:'''Nicola:''' I could actually do without the theatrics, I think, Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Enough. E-fucking-nough. You need to learn to shut your fucking cave, right? Today, you have laid your first big fat egg of solid fuck. You took the data loss media strategy, and you ate it with a lump of ''[[w:Escherichia coli|E. coli]]''. And then you sprayed it our of your arse at 300 miles per hour.
:'''Nicola:''' I simply made a mistake, Malcolm – 
:'''Malcolm:''' You got [[wikipedia:Source_(journalism)#&quot;Speaking_terms&quot;|'on the record' and 'off the record']] fucking mixed up! What would have happened if, like, [[wikipedia:George_Martin|George Martin]] had done that? We'd have no fucking Beatles, that's what. Now, I don't give a fuck about that: I've had to fucking sit next to [[wikipedia:Paul McCartney|Paul McCartney]] at fucking [[wikipedia:Chequers|Chequers]]!  
:'''Nicola:''' The data loss wasn't my fault.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fine, yeah, but I tell you what, it came out fucking pretty fast once you were in there, didn't it? Which makes me wonder, should I just go and talk to the boss? Should I go and tell him, &quot;I don't think she's up to the job&quot;?  
:'''Nicola:''' You said yourself that if he sacks me after a week it looks like ''he's'' fucked up.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but that was before, when your only problem was a fucking shit pun in a newspaper, and a face like[[w: Dot Cotton | Dot Cotton]] licking piss off a nettle!
:'''Nicola:''' ''Okay'', I messed up, right? I messed up! But I will from now on listen to every bit of advice you give me. Yeah, I'll go on ''Question Time'' wearing a push-up bra and a fez. Yeah, I'll do the hustings on stilts if that is what you tell me the strategy is. Because you know about that stuff, Malcolm. I know that. It's just that I've got things I want to do, all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you do, like Montessori fucking rocking horses, I suppose. 
:'''Nicola:''' No, no. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''The Mail'' have the motherlode on this, right? So that means that there is a way through this for us, but it entails you, my dear, eating a complete concrete mixer full of humble pie. 
:''(Terri speaks for the first time in the meeting)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(with pen and diary ready)'' Right, what's the strategy?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(dramatic growl)'' The [[wikipedia:Kraken|Kraken]] awakes!  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, it's just that, I mean, this is the first bit of the meeting that hasn't been about expletives and fezzes and stilts and [[wikipedia:Teabagging|teabagging]], I mean, this is the bit that relates to media management.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I didn't say anything about teabagging. Do you even know what teabagging is?  
:'''Terri:''' Not really, no; er, I'm told it's unpleasant.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' I don't know where 'smug' comes from, I mean, I've aged ten years in the past week: I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and I thought, 'Fuck me, it's a [[wikipedia:Pantomime_dame|pantomime dame]]'. So an informal off-the-record lunch meet at ''The Guardian'': apparently it's a sort of shoot-the-breeze, you know, 'Have you seen the latest [[Mad Men|''Mad Men'']]? Isn't [[wikipedia:Andrew_Neil|Andrew Neil]] a jerk?' sort of thing.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''The Guardian''? Don't tell them any fucking anecdotes about your children, or they'll offer you a fucking column.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' Right, when I came into this department I thought, 'OK. Let's turn a fresh page.' So I turned a fresh page, and you collectively have drawn a ''gigantic fucking cock'' on it!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn''' ''(to Robyn)'': Part of the strategy is to warn us when Malcolm is coming back, so it's your job to block the path. You're [[wikipedia:The_300_Spartans|the Spartans]] at [[wikipedia:Battle_of_Thermopylae|Thermopylae]]. You're [[wikipedia:Richard_Egan_(actor)|Richard Egan]] with an oily chest.  
:''(later, in Nicola's office)''  
:'''Ollie:''' One possible strategy might be not to tell anybody.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, we keep it a secret?  
:'''Robyn''' ''(running in)'': Sorry, sorry. Malcolm's coming. Sorry.  
:'''Glenn:''' What? You were meant to be delaying him, you're supposed to be the Spartans!  
:'''Robyn:''' Well I couldn't really remember what the Spartans did, I'm not as old as you, Glenn!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Marianne Swift:''' Data, exactly, I heard what you said about your data loss.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Did you say that?  
:'''Nicola:''' No, er, well I don't remem– I don't recognise those words, and I don't recognise you!  
:'''Marianne Swift:''' What?  
:'''Malcolm:''' So you see, the Minister may just have misspoke. But what she said was just words, right, not real statements. You know, that's like – you know, if there was a blast of wind over a harp, and it hit the strings, this wind, and it made the harp accidentally say, 'I'm a cat fucker', would that mean that that harp was actually a cat fucker, in real life, in reality? In the world we live in?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, that's a really good question, yeah.

== Series 3, Episode 3 ==

:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' We need to persuade Matt Delaney not to [[wikipedia:Crossing_the_floor#Changing_parties|cross the floor]]. I think we should use the [[wikipedia:Carrot_and_stick|carrot-and-stick]] approach, yeah. You take a carrot, you stick it up his fucking arse, followed by the stick, followed by an even bigger, rougher carrot.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Ollie arrive at Glenn's hotel room, where Glenn has already arrived and waiting for them.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Ah, you got past mad conference security, then? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's bonkers, isn't it? It's like trying to get through Israeli customs wearing a T-shirt saying, &quot;I heart bombing Israel.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' I know. I mean, I had to wait for an hour and they practically gave me a cavity search. 
:'''Ollie:''' Aw, only practically? The sense of disappointment in your voice is almost palpable.
:''(Nicola notices the size of Glenn's room)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, your bed's bigger than mine. In fact, your whole room's bigger than mine. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(feeling awkward)'' Well, um...Do you want it? 
:'''Ollie:''' &quot;Mr. Lova Lova,&quot; full marks for foreplay there, Glenn, straight in. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(reassuring Glenn)'' Do I want your room? No, honestly. I just thought they'd all be the same, sort of vanilla and monotonous. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Did you ask them for your special tiny kettle? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' It's an electric thimble. 
:'''Ollie:''' Maybe the room only looks bigger because Glenn's kettle is so tiny! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(John Duggan, a press officer at the conference, arrives at Nicola's room to introduce himself to Nicola and her team.)''
:'''John Duggan:''' Howdy Doody, Minister. I'm John Duggan, your press officer at the conference. 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, hello. Nicola Murray, hi. 
:'''John:''' How was your holiday?
:'''Nicola:''' Ah, well, you know, we wanted to go to Florida but Malcolm 'suggested' we went to [[wikipedia:Suffolk|Suffolk]], and so the kids were miserable, weather was miserable, and Malcolm rang and shouted at me for looking miserable.
:'''John:''' I saw the photo of you, in the wellies next to the horse. 'Why the long face?' It was funny. ''(Nicola looks up, unimpressed)'' Or not, depending on your perspective. Still, things are looking up: you're in [[wikipedia:Eastbourne|Eastbourne]] now, which really is the jewel in the crown of our shit seaside resorts. [[wikipedia:Clacton-on-Sea|Clacton]] of the South West, they call it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is trying to get John to push through the press a story about Peter Mannion taking a second holiday, which would put Peter in a negative light.)''
:'''Nicola:''' John, are you across this thing about, um, Peter Mannion lining up a second holiday? 
:'''John:''' Um, Mannion, right, yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Peter Mannion, my opposite number, you know? 
:'''John:''' Yes. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, good. So you're going to push that for the press for me, yeah? 'Cause I just want to remind people that while he's criticizing us over the recession, he's, you know, swanning around on his friend's massive yacht. 
:'''John:''' Oh, okay. &quot;He's gay.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck...
:'''Ollie:''' No, not gay. 
:'''Nicola:''' It's a hypocrisy thing. 
:'''John:''' (stammering) Yeah, well, I mean, in-in-in in principle, yeah. But it-it it is conference, so my to-do list is longer than a big willy. 
:'''Nicola:''' John, without wishing to sound blunt...Um, actually, you know what? Fuck it, let's sound blunt. ''(bluntly)'' It is your job. 
:'''John:''' I'll do what I can. That is a Duggan promise. 
:''(John leaves the room.)''
:'''Nicola:''' He's not gonna do it, is he?
:'''Glenn:''' Absolutely fucking useless. 
:'''Nicola:''' He's completely not gonna do it. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(John returns just as the group is discussing Julie Price, Nicola's &quot;People's Champion.&quot;)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to John)'' Glenn says that she's changed her Facebook status to 'single and up for it', ''(John starts laughing)'' which I believe is actually why Glenn brought her here in the first place.
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, John: There's an outside chance that she may just prefer to meet a human being, so I'm gonna come down with you.
:'''Ollie:''' Good idea, you can buy her a coffee, can't you – you could maybe buy her a Collapsuccino.  
:'''John:''' ''(laughing)'' Might bring back memories of her latte husband. As in late husband. We're like [[wikipedia:Dick_and_Dom|Dick and Dom]], aren't we? Great chemistry.
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Except neither one of [[wikipedia:Dick_(slang)|you]] are Doms.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is in the bathroom -- on her cell phone, though. She's having a chat with Terri, who's driving her car while talking to Nicola.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, hi, it's me.
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, happily)'' Hi, Nicola! 
:'''Nicola:''' Have you read up about this Peter Mannion second holiday thing on the Dig Deep blog?
:'''Terri:''' No, no, I haven't actually seen that. Where's he off to? 
:'''Nicola:''' Amalfi. So could you make a few phone calls? See if you can get it some press traction? 
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry, I just can't do that. That's a party political matter. You're gonna have to get John Duggan onto that, 'cause it's his responsibility. 
:'''Nicola:''' Trouble is, Terri, that the only thing John Duggan is doing here is depriving a village somewhere of a twat. 
:'''Terri:''' Ah, yes, I've heard he's about as useless as a chocolate teapot. Although I probably shouldn't say that, sounds a bit racist, doesn't it? 
:'''Nicola:''' Where are you, Terri? 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm ju-just on the way down to Hastings to see my sister. Poor thing, having some trouble shifting a piano. So what I'm doing is I'm working from home today. 
:'''Nicola:''' No, you're not working and you're not at home, so as my 16-year old would say, &quot;You are totally busted.&quot; 
:''(And make no mistake -- Terri is totally busted! She exhales, knowing Nicola has caught her in a lie.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Nicola and Ollie are working on her upcoming speech.)''
:'''Nicola:''' OK, right, what have we got on the workplace gym reward scheme?
:'''Ollie:''' Er, fighting obesity is one of the biggest challenges we face, sleepwalking into a crisis, ticking time bomb –
:'''Nicola:''' You write almost entirely in generic meaningless buzzwords, don't you?
:'''Ollie:''' I could take it more street, if you prefer – 'You is all proper bloaters and it is well gay, biatch' – but, you know, this is the language –
:'''Nicola:''' No, but, you know – I just don't want to come across all [[wikipedia:Nanny_state|nanny-state]] and sort of – 'Death by Chocolate is not a funny name for a pudding, it's a real and genuine concern', you know, I don't want to give the press another opportunity to see me as Mrs. Sour Power Vinegar Tits sucking on a lemon.
:'''Ollie:''' Fine, I understand, so we'll sugar-coat it.
:'''Nicola:''' Well, leaven it, ideally, with a couple of jokes.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, all right, no problemo. ''(beat)'' Now, jokes now?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah!
:'''Ollie:''' OK, how about: 'We want people to be fit, not fit to burst'?
:'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna have to go down the slapstick route, aren't I? Do the speech straight, but dressed as Freddie Starr's Hitler.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In this scene, Ollie has introduced Malcolm to Julie Price, the &quot;People's Champion&quot; that Nicola is announcing in her speech. Malcolm is genuinely warm and empathetic towards Julie.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Julie Price...I'm so sorry for your loss. Hey, you're being looked after well enough, yeah? 
:'''Julie Price:''' Yeah, not bad. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You stick with Ollie. He's...yeah, he's a good guy. I know he looks a bit like an anorexic [[wikipedia:Leo Sayer|Leo Sayer]] there. Listen, could I have a photograph taken with you? 
:'''Julie:''' Who, me? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I've got a little correction of memories, you know. [[Nelson Mandela|Mandela]] and stuff. ''(to Ollie)'' Ollie, would you be so kind as to do the honor, good sir? 
:''(Ollie takes a picture of Malcolm and Julie together.)''
:'''Julie:''' ''(to Malcolm, happily)'' You're a stunner, ye. 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, you're a stunner. You really are. Very impressive. You know, I'm not the only one who finds you impressive. The PM...he finds you very impressive. 
:'''Julie:''' That's good. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, great. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I think that there is a point in his speech today...
:'''Julie:''' Mmm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ...where he would be very honored to introduce you. Is that something that would interest you? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, it might clash, though, with, uh, with Nicola's championing of Julie's cause. 
:'''Julie:''' Oh, God. Look, the nerves are getting to us. I need to use your bog. 
:''(Poor Julie has to go to the bathroom...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, that's the ladies there. 
:''(Ollie doesn't like what Malcolm's doing.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you can't...You can't do that. She's our bonus track. She's our DVD Easter egg. We need her for the speech. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Boo-fucking-hoo. Can do and have done. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but that...What, in two hours, two hours, think of a whole new speech? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, welcome to the Men's Room! Jesus Christ, listen. It's this simple, right? If she goes on with Nicola, she'll be watched by 15 housebound mouth-breathers. Oh, and by the ever-swelling ranks of the unemployed, who fucking hate us, by the way. But if she goes on with Tom, she'll make the 10 o'clock news, right? 
:''(Julie has finally returned, AND...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Julie, hi. Feel better? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah, good. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Now what's it gonna be, Julie darling? Do you want to go with the teas maid...or with the caravan? 
:'''Julie:''' ''(excited)'' I'm going with the caravan. That is the Prime Minister? 
:'''Malcolm:''' That is the Prime Minister, yes. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, Ollie. It's nice to meet you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Julie, this way, come on. Are you actually in the hotel, or are you staying...
:''(As Malcolm and Julie leave together, Ollie runs back to Glenn's room to alert Glenn and Nicola of the bad news.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Glenn are in her room trying to write her speech...)''
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;So, joking aside...&quot; Of course, we haven't fucking got those yet. 
:'''Nicola:''' I know. 
:'''Glenn:''' Whatever they are, right...
:''(When all of a sudden, Ollie re-enters the room.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(anxious as hell)'' Right, right. 
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;It's now my great pleasure -- &quot; ''(to Ollie)'' We're just doing the...
:'''Ollie:''' No no no, listen. Um -- listen! 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' You know when something, well, something bad, but you know when something bad happens and you think it's not as bad as...
:'''Nicola:''' What's happened? 
:'''Glenn:''' Where's Julie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's commandeered Julie for the PM's speech. We bumped into each other and he...
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean he's ''commandeered'' her? You're supposed to be looking after her, for fuck's sake! 
:'''Nicola:''' No, no, no, no, no, he hasn't. No. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We can't even fucking trust you to babysit! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''Malcolm'' took her...
:'''Glenn:''' Just say no! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(getting defensive)'' You don't just say no! 
:'''Glenn:''' What part of &quot;no&quot; don't you understand? 
:'''Ollie:''' Babysitting isn't a fucking...
:''(Nicola starts pounding and stomping on a pillow -- pretending that the pillow is Malcolm!)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''MALCOLM! FUCKING -- FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM!''
:'''Ollie:''' Well, um, that was my, uh, initial reaction as well. 
:'''Glenn:''' Deep breath, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yes, yes I know. Thank you, thank you, FUCK OFF! Thank you! 
:'''Glenn:''' Right, yes. What do you want us to do? 
:''(Nicola pushes Glenn and Ollie out of the way and runs to the bathroom.) 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Do you want your Rescue Remedy? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, fuck off! ''(Nicola takes a few deep breaths...)'' Get me some ketamine. I want to separate my mind from my body. 
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus Christ, poor Nicola. I'm going to go and talk to the bastard. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' Take some reasonable...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn, sarcastically)'' Yeah, that's right, rip your shirt off! Go on, Braveheart! FREEDOM! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, just casually mention to Alan Dunn and, er, Lindsay Anorexi at the Mail, that the PM has brought Julie Price to the conference.
:'''John:''' That's not strictly true, though, is it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well ''[[wikipedia:Strictly Come Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]'' isn't strictly dancing, is it? They also have a bit at the beginning where [[wikipedia:Bruce_Forsyth|an old man]] ''dribbles''. So what?
:'''John:''' Well, I didn't really follow that. Um, my point is...
:''(Malcolm sees Glenn coming his way...and Glenn's pretty darn mad now.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, Glenn, right. Okay, mate, look, I can see that you're a tad peeved. 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm not having it. You've gone too far. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, get a grip, Glenn. I didn't fucking come in your mouth. 
:''(John starts laughing)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to John, angrily)'' Are you in on this? 
:'''John:''' Oh, God, no, no, no. I'm just obeying orders, you know, like a Nazi guard. (John jokingly gives the Nazi salute.) Only in a non-gassy way. :''(to Julie)'' You're not Jewish, are you? 
:'''Julie:''' No. 
:'''John:''' ''(relieved)'' Oh, good. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Can you just take her? 
:'''John:''' Oh, yeah, uh... ''(to Julie)'' Why don't you go in here? There's some important people and biscuits in there. Have a coffee. Didn't mean to bring back bad memories. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(confused)'' What are you on about? 
:'''John:''' Your husband dying in a café. 
:''(While John takes Julie into the room, Malcolm and Glenn continue their argument.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' You can't just take her! That's people trafficking! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Am I being threatened by [[wikipedia:Harold Bishop|Harold fucking Bishop]]? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, Malcolm...
:''(John comes back into the hallway to try and make peace...)'' 
:'''John:''' Okay, guys, can we just...
:''(But then, Malcolm sees Ollie coming to join the shenanigans.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, shit, wow, here's the beige fucking Power Ranger now. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and we're taking her back! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do not make this a disciplinary issue. Do you hear me, soldier? 
:'''Glenn:''' I found her! I fucking found her! 
:'''Malcolm:''' She was on the fucking news! Get this guy out of here! 
:''(NOW, tempers are flaring!)'' 
:'''John:''' Can we get a bit more sane about this, please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is not a fucking discussion. 
:'''John:''' Right, nobody argue. 
:'''Glenn:''' I am going to go in there and I am going to take her! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You will fucking not! 
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck off! Fuck -- 
:''(And then -- Malcolm punches Glenn in the NOSE! Ollie catches Glenn's fall.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Jesus Christ! 
:'''John:''' Oh my God...
:'''Malcolm:''' You've hurt yourself. 
:'''John:''' I've got so much on, as it is. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' You hit me! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I did not hit you! I went to hit the fucking wall and pulled my fist back and hit you in the fucking face instead! 
:'''Glenn:''' I think you've broken my nose! 
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no, that's just a scratch, mate! 
:'''John:''' Noses can't break, anyway. That's a myth. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to John)'' What the fuck are you talking about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, look, just lean forward. You know, you want the blood to flow out of your nose, not down your throat like a fucking gurgling drain. 
:'''Glenn:''' Don't touch me! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(feeling sorry for Glenn)'' Look at him. 
:'''Glenn:''' Have you got a hanky? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' You go look after Julie, right? ''(to John)'' John, let's get Glenn back to his room. 
:'''John:''' Okay, yeah. 
:''(Malcolm's now looking around for possible witnesses)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Nobody saw that, did they? 
:'''John:''' No, it's like when a fight starts, you're just like, &quot;Fight, fight, fight!&quot; 
:''(Ollie and Julie are coming near)'' 
:'''Julie:''' All right? All right? 
:'''Ollie:''' If we can just get...
:''(Julie notices that Glenn's holding his nose.)'' 
:'''Julie:''' Is he okay? 
:''(The guys are pretending Glenn's OK.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' He's fine, he's fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's just got a nosebleed. 
:''(Ollie and Julie leave peacefully, BUT...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Say, you...
:'''John:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' If you breathe a word of this, right? 
:'''John:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen to me, Richard fucking Stilgoe, you fucking jazzy bastard! 
:'''John:''' I am listening. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Help me here! Let's get fucking Noses Supposes back to his fuck...
:''(But Glenn is GONE!)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where is he? 
:'''John:''' I don't know. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ! Come on! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I think you should leave.
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, do you?
:'''Nicola:''' Yes! ''(beat)'' What, are you gonna hit me?
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't fucking hit women.
:'''Ollie:''' Except Glenn, obviously.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Just you fucking leave Glenn out of this Glenn's been through enough as it is. ''(to Glenn, who is in the bathroom)'' Listen mate, I'm really – I'm really sorry, right, I'm really sorry about what happened in the heat of the fucking moment, yeah? I'm under a lot of pressure right now, I'm trying to plug a lot of leaks out there; I had my [[wikipedia:Hans_Brinker,_or_The_Silver_Skates#Popular_culture:_the_legend_of_the_boy_and_the_dike|finger in the dyke]], but the dyke's very very squirty.
:'''Ollie:''' Is it Fat Pat? I've heard that she's, er –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Now that you've lost [[wikipedia:Geordie|Geordie]] Julie, the merry fucking widow, you've got a hole in your speech. Right, so have we got a contingency for that?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, we'll figure it out, thank you.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well look, why don't I help you? Let's roll some tits up the flagpole, and see if anyone gets wood!
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Christ, it's like being trapped in a fucking boys' toilet. Right, all we've got is Mannion's second holiday, we need to take the piss out of that.
:'''Ollie:''' OK, how about, er, &quot;He's called Peter 'Two Holidays' Mannion&quot;?
:'''Malcolm:''' Glenn.
:'''Glenn:''' Erm, 'He's, erm – works really hard – at planning his holidays'?
:'''Malcolm:''' That's really fucking quality fucking explosive sarcasm you're lobbing at them, mate. Boom. 
:'''Glenn:''' I feel I'm in a therapy group being run by my own rapist. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, okay, well, how about...
:''(Suddenly, everybody's cell phones are ringing...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh my God...it's got out. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, really? I thought it was room service cold-calling. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Who the fuck is leaking this out there? ''(to Ollie)'' Find out who's pissing this over the wall. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, w-well, the thing about the Internet, Malcolm, is it's quite big...
:'''Malcolm:''' IT'S ON ROB HOLT'S BLOG! 
:'''Ollie:''' I don't know what he looks like. I don't...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You need to get your people's champion out of this hotel before some tabloid minge-flannel starts soft-soaping her. 
:'''Nicola:''' So we've got her back again now. Is that right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't be so fucking touchy about this! I've a lot to fucking deal with here! 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(sarcastically)'' ''MY'' responsibility again ''NOW!'' Doesn't matter about the speech. That's fine, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it does fucking matter! 
:''(Nicola then slams the bathroom door.)''   
:'''Malcolm:''' Women, huh? Women slam the door, where did this idea come from, huh? ''(bangs on the bathroom door)'' [[w:The Flintstones|WILMAAA]]! Fuck off!
:'''Nicola:''' ''(from inside the bathroom)'' I'm making a phone call.
:'''Malcolm:''' Make a phone call! [[wikipedia:Who_Wants_to_Be_a_Millionaire?_(UK_game_show)#Lifelines|Phone a fucking friend]]! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola makes her phone call to...Terri.)''
:'''Terri:''' ''(answering in a sing-song voice)'' Hello? 
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, it's-it's Nicola again. We're at DEFCON 1. Or-Or 5, or whichever the really bad one is. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(looking out her car window)'' You stupid pillock! Oh, boy racers. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(getting desperate)'' Terri, can you harness that anger and bring it down to Eastbourne, please? I desperately need you to come down and help me. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(replying to Nicola)'' The problem is this party political problem, because I'm a civil servant and I cannot possibly be seen to have anything to do with a party conference. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(begging)'' Terri, please, I'm standing in a factory that makes fans, right? And a-a man has walked in with a giant shit-spraying machine, and you happen to be bunking off work and not very far away, so I need you here! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(reluctantly giving in)'' Listen, I've got a cagoule in the back and I could come incognito with the hood up, if that's gonna help you out. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(looking at her speech)'' 'Government department – The gov–' Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck! How can I learn this when you're still writing it? I feel sick!
:'''Ollie:''' No, it's exciting, it's good, it's really good. In fact, I would say: the fact that you're hearing it for the first time when you say it will possibly give it a freshness and a zing, you know –
:'''Nicola:''' You think?
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, you know, this is politics as it is, isn't it? It's ''[[The West Wing]]''!
:'''Nicola:''' You're not [[wikipedia:Josh_Lyman|Josh]], Ollie, just write the fucking speech.
:'''Ollie:''' It doesn't mat–
:'''Nicola:''' Come on Nicola, pull yourself together.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' I fucking am Josh.
:'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray can do this, come on!
:'''Ollie:''' Wow, did you just refer to yourself in the second ''and'' third person? 'Cause they're both –
:'''Nicola:''' Write the fucking speech!
:'''Ollie:''' Right, OK, yes, I'm just slightly distracted by all the Nicola Murrays in the room!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''John:''' Malcolm, you're really scaring me now.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm scaring you? I'm so sorry I'm fucking scaring you. I mustn't scare you, must I? I won't scare you, OK, I'll just explain to you what I'm gonna fucking do to you: I'm gonna take your bollocks, I'm gonna fucking rip them off, I'm gonna fucking paint eyeballs on them. And I'm gonna stitch them onto a fucking sock and use that as a mouthpiece.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to John)'' Oh, twat features! I mean that literally.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, Dan Miller is not positioning himself for the leadership. Well, for a start, you can't have a prime minister called Dan. People called Dan work in fucking fitness centres and listen to West Coast jazz.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''John:''' Er, no, I've gotta wait for Glenn to bring Julie what's-her-face back from the toilet so I can give her the tour.
:'''Ollie:''' Where are they?
:'''John:''' Glenn has taken her to Nicola's toilet. It's like being back at college, isn't it, you know, [[wikipedia:Student_orientation|Freshers' Week]], it's just as busy, isn't it, you know –
:'''Nicola:''' Stop talking.
:'''John:''' Right, OK.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh dear, that's bad, Glenn and a woman in a toilet. 'Hello Julie. Would you like to see the Minister's room? ''(John starts laughing)'' It's very cosy, isn't it, just right for a little kissy-kissy? Maybe some tickle-me tickle-me? ''(mimes undoing his flies)'' Have you met my little friend, old blind Bob?' ''(turns round to find that Glenn and Julie Price have returned)'' Just an impression of my friend, old blind Bob.
:'''John:''' Liar.
:'''Ollie:''' Listen, right, I'm not being really horrible, but are you actually autistic?
:'''John:''' No; but you'd be surprised how many people ask me that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' And I need you, big man.
:'''Glenn:''' Why?
:'''Malcolm:''' Because I'm gonna invite some hacks up here. I'm gonna give them some drinks, and I'm gonna show them what good mates we are, huh?
:'''Glenn:''' Do we have to?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, we do have to do it! And I want you to be telling some really fucking amusing anecdotes about our long weekend in Prague.
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' He's gonna hit me again, isn't he? I don't mind being hit, it's just the making up afterwards that scares me shitless.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, I really need you to come down here and help me. All I've got here, right, is a psycho man, a bleeding man and a sarky teenager. It's like some fucking logic problem: 'How do I get the chickens across the river? How do I get the ''fucking chickens'' across the river?'
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''John:''' See, this is the problem with the modern age, the blogosphere, and it is a fear, it's everywhere, we call it the i-Zilla. No one can tame the [[wikipedia:Beast_of_Bodmin_Moor|Beast of Blogmin]].
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck are you talking about? Make a deal with these bloggers. Threaten them! It's your fucking job, isn't it?
:'''John:''' Malcolm, that is not how the internet works; it's a world-wide, you know, web, that's where that comes from.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look: I need you to find the [[wikipedia:Itsy_Bitsy_Spider|incy-wincy fucking spider]], take your rolled-up wank mag and fucking ''squash'' the fucker, right, can you do that?  
:'''John:''' Malcolm, I've got a lot on. ''(Malcolm glares at him)'' Not a problem. That's a Duggan promise.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie''' ''(looking out of the window onto the car park)'': You've got to see this, come here. Glenn is putting on his retrosexual moves.
:'''Nicola:''' No!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.
:'''Nicola''' ''(looking out of the window)'': Who is she?
:'''Ollie:''' I dunno, but she's smashed, if she is a she. I think I can see her madam's apple there.
:'''Nicola:''' Maybe they're just talking.  
:'''Nicola and Ollie''' ''(seeing them kiss)'': Oh!
:'''Ollie:''' That's horrific. This is like the worst porn film ever. This is like the porn film where the woman rings for a special adviser to give her an overview of the last five years of social policy and they end up fucking.
:''(both laugh)''
:'''Nicola: [[w:The Bourne Ultimatum|The Porn Ultimatum]].'''

== Series 3, Episode 4 ==
:'''Ollie:''' What's happened to Terri? She looks like a female impersonator! 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah I know, I thought you only got made over like that at a gay undertaker's.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Ollie:''' ''(re: Nicola's daughter, Ella)'' She's kicking off at school. Basically, ever since Malcolm made Nicola put her in the fucking comp, she's headed for what Mr. [[w:Neil Diamond|Neil Diamond]]  I believe would have called 'a [[w:Sweet Caroline|Sweet]] [[w:Columbine High School massacre|Columbine]] incident'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma:''' Hey, do you know what, I wonder if we'll get to sneak up on Ollie and catch him not working.  
:'''Phil:''' Better still, I'd like to see him getting bollocked by Malcolm. ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'I'm gonna rip out ya bladder and wear it as a bandana!'  
:'''Emma:''' OK, erm –  
:'''Phil:''' I need to know what Glenn Cullen looks like.  
:'''Emma:''' Oh, Glenn Cullen, er, fifties, kind of depressed looking; I always think of, like, a bloodhound.  
:'''Phil:''' OK, I'll get a picture of Mick Hucknall.  
:'''Peter''' ''(arriving)'': Morning, comrades! How goes the revolution?  
:'''Phil and Emma:''' Morning.  
:'''Peter:''' Our tanks on their lawn at last, fuck-a-doodle-doo!  
:'''Phil:''' Talking of which, may I present the DoSAC Implementation Matrix!  
:'''Emma:''' Don't ask.  
:'''Peter:''' Look, this is a very straightforward set of meetings with the senior civil servants. You know, 'Where's the stop-cock? Where can I get a decent cup of coffee? Here's our legislative agenda for the next three years'.  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah I know, but Stewart's very keen for us to use a visit to DoSAC as a scouting exercise?  
:'''Peter:''' Well I'm very keen to use Stewart's mouth as an ashtray, but it doesn't mean I'd do it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(explaining the Opposition Drill)'' When the Opposition are here, you tell them nothing except where the toilets are, but you lie about that. And Terri, keep your tits in.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma:''' ''(receiving an alert on her phone)'' That's Stewart. I'm just gonna have to show him up.  
:'''Peter:''' Great, Mr. Blue Sky; we're not gonna practise fist bumps again, are we?  
:'''Emma:''' Phil, if you mention anything out of turn while I'm gone, I will send your mum that picture of you dressed up as Cher, OK? ''(taps her phone)'' One button... ''(leaves)''  
:'''Peter:''' Cher?  
:'''Phil:''' Celine Dion, karaoke night. It's totally harmless. ''(checks that Emma has gone)'' OK, Ollie told Emma that there's a shitstorm brewing about the minister's daughter.  
:'''Peter:''' She was only the minister's daughter, but she knew how to take the collection.  
:'''Phil:''' She's 12.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, shit, strike that last remark, it's actually a little poem that... gets much worse.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Ah Peter, glad we could hook up. Just wanted to take a couple of turns with you on the ideas carousel, yeah? Think of ways we could turn your team into a little cluster of excellence.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, you mean you wanted to have a chat.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Peter:''' I hate to be a spoilsport, but can we briefly refocus on our visit to DoSAC?  
:'''Stewart''': Yeah, who are you meeting?  
:'''Phil:''' Got a couple of meetings with two top people, you know, the big swinging dicks.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, OK, well don't forget the tiny static dicks.  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, we're not allowed to talk to her boyfriend, though.  
:'''Emma:''' Very funny.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Oi! Oi! [[w:James May|James fucking May]]! It was ''you'' sprayed the private information about the school, wasn't it?! Like [[w:Jenson Button|Jenson Button]] shaking up a magnum of piss!
:'''Phil:''' Oh, just listen to yourself! Okay, at first it was private information between you and your boss, then it was private information between you and your girlfriend, ''then'' it was private information between your girlfriend and her colleagues!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah?
:'''Phil:''' I mean, I can draw you a diagram if you like! it's like a fucking swine flu pandemic!
:'''Ollie:''' I've clearly made an error, which I have to take up with Emma...
:'''Phil:''' Exactly!
:'''Ollie:''' ... but you shouldn't be fucking using it for political –
:'''Phil:''' This is ''your'' fault! It's not my fault! You're like the man who fucked the monkey that gave us AIDS, that's who you are!
:'''Ollie:''' ''(incredulous)'' I'm like the man who did what? Who &quot;fucked the monkey ''(laughs)'' that gave us AIDS&quot;?
:'''Phil:''' That's right: you keep saying &quot;it wasn't me, it wasn't me&quot; and there's monkey shit on your balls, not mine!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking in)'' I love it, I love it - it's the pre-match sparring for the big Super Gayweight Title Fight, eh? ''(makes boxing motions)'' Okay, Oliver, wipe away the pre-cum. You've got some work to get on with.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(quietly)'' Yeah, Malcolm, um...?
:'''Malcolm:''' What?
:'''Ollie:''' The Nicola thing, I think, is getting a bit worse. It looks like her daughter's about to be excluded for bullying.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, Glenn told me that.
:'''Ollie:''' What? When did –?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. The thing is, all we've got to do is, if we try and keep this info very, very closely contained, we'll be all right, yeah? 
:'''Ollie:''' Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay?
:'''Ollie''': Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' On you go. ''(walks up to Phil)'' Okay, Shitehead Revisited. Did you know that Nicola Murray's daughter is about to be expelled from school for fucking ''bullying?''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' What are you doing?
:'''Phil:''' No, what...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't worry. ''(to Phil)'' Did you not know that?
:'''Phil:''' No, why would I... No...
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you wouldn't know that, 'cause the only people who know that right now are Mrs. Murray, her daughter, Ollie and me, yeah? If this gets into the press, I would ''know'' that it came from you.
:'''Phil:''' Clever. ''(chuckles, trying to hide his nervousness)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(also chuckles, rather deviously)'' And I would rain down on you so hard, you would have to be reassembled by fucking air crash investigators. ''(Phil tries to protest)'' ''Do not fucking'' interrupt me, son, ever! Now get this into the noggin, right? You breathe a ''word'' of this, to ''anyone'', you mincing fucking '''''CUNT''''', and I will tear your fucking skin off, I will wear it to your mother's birthday party, and I will rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whistling [[w:Bohemian Rhapsody|Bohemian fucking Rhapsody]], right?!
:'''Phil:''' ''(nods in shock)'' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' Now...get out of my fucking sight! 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. ''(wanders off, visibly terrified)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' ''(Discussing Malcolm)'' His bark's worse than his bite. ''(Sees Malcolm approaching)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Peter!
:'''Peter:''' And speaking of rabies injections, here he is!
:'''Malcolm:''' I didn't know you were still alive. How's the 80's tribute band? Still doing the [[wikipedia:Robert_Palmer_(singer)|Robert Palmer]] lookalikey thing, huh?
:'''Peter:''' Malcolm, you're looking well, for someone twice your age. Any news on the aneurysm?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' ''(Answers his mobile phone)'' Ah, Stewart. What flavour of nut-brown piss are you going to pour in my ear?
:'''Stewart:''' How's the info-pump firing?
:'''Peter:''' You mean Terri Coverley? She's useless, she knows nothing. You two would get on.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Nicola, just got a text from Malcolm. He says he knows Mannion was here. 
:'''Nicola:''' How does he know that?  
:'''Glenn:''' Text reads: 'I know about your fucking meeting with that ageing flamenco guitarist. You are NOT' (big letters) 'to go home.' There's been an escalation. He says he wants you at Number 10 'ASAFP'.  
:'''Nicola:''' 'F' meaning –  
:'''Glenn:''' Feasibly, I should imagine.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola arrives at Malcolm's office)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hi Nicola, thanks very much for coming over. Can I get you something?  
:'''Nicola:''' Actually, you haven't got any whisky, have you?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Whisky, yeah. Hasn't been touched for a while; still got [[wikipedia:Anthony_Eden|Anthony Eden]]'s lipstick on the bottle.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' OK, so it's Mannion. What do we do? I mean, do we go after him with one of your, you know, things that you say, like a big bum-dildo of vengeance or something? 
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go, that's my girl, yeah! [[wikipedia:Indiana_Jones_(franchise)|Indiana]] Murray and the Bum-Dildo of Vengeance, I like it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:''(arriving at the DoSAC building)''  
:'''Phil:''' This is ''mint''. It's like the fall of Troy but with visitor's passes instead of a [[wikipedia:Trojan_Horse|wooden horse]].  
:'''Peter''' ''(quoting [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Tennyson's]]'' [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Ulysses]]'')'': 'It may be that the gulfs will wash us down, / It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles / And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.'  
:'''Phil:''' I meant the film ''[[Troy (film)|Troy]]''?
:'''Peter:''' Awesome.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Emma:''' Do you fancy a cup of tea?  
:'''Stewart:''' Er, yes, you got anything herbal?  
:'''Emma:''' OK, yeah. ''(walking off, to herself)'' Something perfumed and essentially gay. ''(sees Phil)'' Oh, speak of the devil. Whoa, you look like you've shat yourself.
:'''Phil:''' I had a close encounter with Malcolm Tucker. ''(Emma laughs)'' It's not funny, he's like some horrible character from an Ian Rankin novel.  
:'''Stewart:''' Where's Peter?  
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, where is Peter?  
:'''Phil:''' I don't know. It's a bit of a blur to be honest, I just kind of ran out of the building. I just kept walking, I ended up in [[wikipedia:Greenwich|Greenwich]].  
:'''Emma:''' Greenwich?  
:'''Phil:''' I think I was following the river, I wanted to get to the sea.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter:''' Do you channel all your passions into pie charts, Stewart? I don't even think you're excited about winning. I bet when you orgasm, you just put a little tick on a chart next to your bed.

== Series 3, Episode 5 ==
:''(Terri smiles and waves at Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' Why does the useless one keep staring at me?
:'''Phil:''' Because she's a mentalist and she loves you. You ever crash your car in the mountains, she'll be the one waiting to drag you out. ''(both chuckle)'' You've seen ''[[wikipedia:Misery (film)|Misery]]''?
:'''Peter:''' I'm in the fucking BBC, aren't I?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola, Terri, Glenn, Phil and Peter are all waiting in the green room. Terri continues to smile and stare at Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(quietly)'': The stupid one keeps staring at me; could you block the view, or something?
:'''Phil:''' OK. ''(sits on the table, between Terri and Peter)''
:'''Peter:''' OK.  
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Terri)'': Sorry.
:'''Peter:''' Why isn't Emma here to help?
:'''Phil:''' She's dumping Ollie tonight. Result! Probably crying his eyes out right now, like Kate Winslet losing on a scratch card.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that's a nice tan you haven't quite managed to get there, Peter.
:'''Peter:''' Oh yes of course, that's very funny, because of the shitstorm you created about my second holiday. I had to cancel my second holiday. I see what you did there, you should be in stand-up.
:'''Phil:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_Elton|Glenn Elton]]. 'Yes indeed, ladies and gentlemen!'
:'''Peter:''' Sorry about the puffin.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is in his office talking to someone on his cell phone)''
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I don't give a fuck whose birthday it is, I'm going to enjoy myself here listening to this Murray-Mannion ding-dong on the radio. The fat cat story's breaking, so the opposition are gonna be sweating like Vegas Elvis on a squash court. 
:''(Malcolm's personal assistant, Sam, comes into the office with a box)''
:'''Sam:''' Happy Birthday, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Stop saying that, right? Just you go home. What is this? Don't...Is this my new anal beads? 
:''(Malcolm looks at the box)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, this has been X-rayed, yeah? I'm not gonna get fucking, a present bomb in the face? 
:''(Malcolm opens the box. It contains a cake which reads 'Happy Birthday C*nt')''
:'''Malcolm:''' This could be from anybody. ''(opens the accompanying card)'' Ah, it's from the Prime Minister. This is fucking Tom's idea of a joke, yeah? And he wonders why we don't let him out in public.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola is discussing what she's going to say about her Fourth Sector Initiative on Richard Bacon's radio show with Terri and Glenn)''
:'''Nicola:''' Fourth sector, people power. Inspiring each other out of disadvantage. 
:'''Terri:''' And you need to put in the liking words as well, not just the headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' I am going to talk in complete sentences. 
:'''Terri:''' I think you should rehearse with those headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, how about &quot;I believe in people power. Will you fuck off, Terri?&quot; Is that okay? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, Peter is discussing what he's going to talk about on the show with Phil.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' &quot;We call it the Common Sense Checklist, Richard. We need to cut red tape. We were talking about that at the Oval the other day, weren't we, Richard?&quot; 
:'''Phil:''' ''(loving it)'' That's just the sound of wickets falling. 
:''(But then, Phil's cell phone rings.)''
:'''Phil:''' Stewart. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Stewart? Oh, good. I wonder what Mr. Political Correctness Gone Boring wants...
:'''Phil:''' ''(answering his cell phone)'' Hi, Stewart. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, a little note for Peter, yeah? Tell him to dump the common sense checklist. Yeah, it's an ex-list. The new world order is this: Hit the city hard, yeah? It's &quot;Reverse Gekko.&quot; Greed is bad, money is awful. &quot;I Heart [[wikipedia:Tracy Chapman|Tracy Chapman]],&quot; yeah? 
:''(Phil leans over to Peter to quietly tell him the bad news...)''
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' He wants you to scrap the common sense checklist and hit the city hard over the bonuses, call them all money-grabbing wankers. 
:''(A BBC employee lets everyone know that Nicola and Peter are on, but Peter still has something to say to Phil.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Phil. ''(Peter quietly pulls Phil aside.)'' Some of my best friends are money-grabbing wankers. And I've got to give a speech to a roomful of them tomorrow at the CBI lunch. I'm not gonna say, &quot;Hello, chums, I've just taken a slash in the soup.&quot; So, no, the answer's no. 
:''(As Peter makes his way to the studio, Phil gets back on his cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart, um, Peter's not going to want to do that. 
:'''Stewart:''' No, I don't want him to want to do it, Phil. I just want him to do it. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' Stewart says it's a JB diktat, you have to do it. 
:'''Peter:''' Tell him to stick a goose up his arse. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Peter Mannion and Nicola Murray are now in the studio with Richard Bacon. Phil, Terri and Glenn are in the control room.)'' 
:'''[[wikipedia:Richard_Bacon_(broadcaster)|Richard Bacon]]:''' Coming up shortly, we've got what could be a rather fiery showdown between two political heavyweights. After trading blows in the dailies, it's now time for them to meet face to face. So, it gives me great pleasure to introduce Nicola Murray...
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. 
:''(Richard gives Nicola a polite 'please wait' hand gesture)''
:'''Richard:'''...Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. ''(Richard gives Nicola the 'OK.')'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Hello, again. I got it right that time. I managed to come in at the right time. 
:'''Richard:''' Hello, and from the shadow cabinet, the right honourable Peter Mannion MP. 
:'''Peter:''' Hi, Richard. Good to see you again. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(in the control room)'' THE MANNIONATOR! 
:'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Good to see you again as well. Uh, listen, guys, first of all...
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Phil)'' How old are you? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Richard:''' Either of you got any piercings? Any tattoos? 
:'''Peter:''' Uh, I've got an appendix scar, does that count? 
:'''Richard:''' Classic! 
:'''Peter:''' Well, you know how it is. Out with a bunch of pals, got a bit tipsy, rolled into casualty, yeah. Hey, we all got it done. 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah! In your face, bitch! 
:'''Richard:''' That's very funny. Nicola Murray, any piercings? 
:'''Nicola:''' Um...Uh, no...
:'''Terri:''' Yes, you do.
:'''Nicola:''' No piercings at all, no. 
:'''Terri:''' You have got some piercings. 
:'''Richard:''' Okay, all right. 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, sorry, no piercings at all, no. 
:''(All the while, Glenn is trying to remind Nicola about her pierced ears.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, some people say that my distinguishing feature would be probably my ears, which I'm told are quite small. 
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
:'''Nicola:''' But I do think we have to be a little bit careful about taking too light an approach to culturally sensitive issues, like body piercing or female circumcision...Uh, earrings! Earrings. I've got pierced ears. 
:'''Richard:''' Let's leave that there. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(listening to Nicola on the radio)'' Fuck me, this is like a clown running across a minefield!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Terri are now out of the control room, having an impromptu talk.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm really worried about Nicola. She's behaving like a squirrel trapped in a pedal bin. What I'm asking you to do is have a word with, um, Blondie, that producer. And cut Nicola some slack because she needs all the sympathy she can get. 
:'''Terri:''' The problem is, though, Glenn, if you say to a journalist, 'Can you avoid that topic?', that's when they really go for it. I mean, it's like saying to the school bully, 'I'll wet myself if you tickle me'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Throughout his show, Richard reads out listeners' texts about piercings.)''
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I don't see the point of piercings. If you were a robot, you wouldn't stick bits of dangling flesh all over yourself, would you?'
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, my friend's daughter got piercings all round her mouth. She looks like she works in a ball bearings factory, and there was an explosion and all the shrapnel got embedded in her face. I don't like it.'
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I love piercings. They are part of who I am, literally. Tina in Weymouth.'
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is now talking about her Fourth Sector Initiative.)''
:'''Nicola:''' What we would be looking for is getting people to inspire each other out of poverty, out of disadvantage. 
:'''Richard:''' ''(somewhat cynically)'' How can you be ''inspired'' out of poverty? 
:'''Nicola:''' Well, I'm choosing to ignore your rather cynical tone...
:'''Richard:''' I'm not being cynical, Nicola Murray. It's a perfectly legitimate question. How can you be inspired out of poverty? 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, you are being cynical, but anyway, we'll park that. Um, one of our initiatives is to designate certain people as fourth sector pathfinders. Now they would be pillars of a normal community. 
:'''Richard:''' Are you talking about &quot;have-a-go heroes,&quot; for example? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, we're talking about everyday heroes.
:'''Richard:''' I assume you'd want to avoid Charles Bronson-style vigilantes? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, yes. Yes, we don't, we don't want [[wikipedia:Charles Bronson|Charles Bronson]]. More, more, Charles, uh...Dance. 
:'''Richard:''' Okay. 
:'''Peter:''' Or Chaplin, yeah? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Suddenly, Glenn's cell phone goes off in the control room.)''
:'''Janice:''' ''(the show's producer, to Glenn)'' Out! 
:'''Glenn:''' Alright! 
:'''Phil:''' Is that Nicola's doctor? Probably trying to book a circumcision. 
:''(Glenn goes out of the control room to answer his phone.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you producing porno now for the visually impaired?
:'''Glenn:''' Wh– What?
:'''Malcolm:''' Because what I'm hearing here, on my radio, is Nicola Murray being roundly fucked. What is this, [[wikipedia:Bukkake|Bukkake]] [[wikipedia:Book_at_Bedtime|at Bedtime]]? Just, fu– put Ollie on.
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie, erm – Well he's not here, he's at home.
:'''Malcolm:''' Tell that fucking stick of celery to get his arse out of there, and get down to 5 Live right now. Tell him to inject some energy into Nicola's performance. At the moment, she's coming across like a Nazi float at the fucking [[wikipedia:Notting_Hill_Carnival|Notting Hill Carnival]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' It seems to me what I call a &quot;political meringue.&quot; Uh...sweet but, uh, lightweight and very little substance. 
:''(Meanwhile, in the control room...)''
:'''Phil:''' ''(clapping)'' He's like bloody [[wikipedia:Peter Ustinov|Ustinov]], isn't he? 
:'''Terri:''' Uh, it's just such an old joke. Can you just please get out? 
:'''Janice:''' ''(to both Phil AND Terri)'' Yeah. Okay, right. Can you just both fucking get out of the studio now? You and fucking Rupert Brooke, just out! 
:''(Meanwhile, Richard Bacon continues talking to Peter)'' 
:'''Richard:''' I know exactly what you mean. The other day, the BBC sent me on a Health &amp; Safety away day, where they taught me how to carry a cup of coffee. 
:'''Peter:''' (laughing) This, this is exactly what I mean. That makes no sense. That's nonsense, and uh... and we need to say no to the nanny state, uh, &quot;boo&quot; to nanny, and claw back some personal responsibility in the name of common sense. 
:'''Richard:''' We need to...Hang on, we need to say boo to nanny? 
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, it's just a play on [[wikipedia:Jools Holland|Jools Holland]]'s Hootenanny. (stuttering) I-I, I didn't write it, it's not...
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
:'''Peter:''' But, you know...Hey nanny no. 
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh hello, nice dinner?
:'''Emma:''' Fuck off, [[wikipedia:Bagpuss|Bagpuss]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil spots Emma in the green room. Terri is also in there.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Hey, that was quick. Did you tell him? 
:'''Emma:''' Kind of. He's getting the message. 
:'''Phil:''' Look, I couldn't say while you were together, but I really don't know what you saw in him. 
:'''Emma:''' You told me all the time how much you hated him. That was one of the main reasons I went out with him so long. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you splitting up with Ollie? 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, can you actually hear all right over there? I can pop into the studio and get some microphones so you can get all the details. 
:'''Terri:''' No, I can hear fine. Yes, no, I think that's a really good idea. I mean, for your sake. I'd back you up on that. 
:'''Emma:''' (pleased) What, I have your backing? Oh, fantastic. Thanks. 
:'''Phil:''' Hey, Emma, look, you're clearly overemotional right now. Why don't you go home, you know, drink some mojitos with your girlfriends and talk about shoes? I've got it covered here. 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah. Well, actually, Stewart called me in because he wanted me to SatNav Peter out of the dead end you've driven him into. So, perhaps you should piss off and read that ''[[wikipedia:Marie Claire|Marie Claire]]'' you nicked off me. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And then, Phil's cell phone rings again -- and once again, Stewart's on the other line.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' (answering his cell phone) Hi, Stewart. He's great, isn't he? 
:'''Stewart:''' &quot;Boo to nanny?&quot; Phil, no one watches Jools Holland, yeah? We need to be appealing to ''One Show'' man and ''Holby City'' woman. 
:'''Emma:''' What's he saying? 
:'''Phil:''' Just shut up, Emma. The men are talking? 
:'''Stewart:''' Is Emma there? 
:'''Phil:''' Yes, she is here. 
:'''Stewart:''' Thank God! Put her on, Phil. 
:''(Emma gets on the cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Stewart, hi. 
:'''Stewart:''' This is the brief. Got a pen? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, hang on. ''(to Phil)'' Have you got a pen? 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, you're not having it. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Do you need a pen?
:'''Emma:''' Uh, I do, thanks. ''(to Stewart)'' Sorry, Stewart, hang on. 
:'''Stewart:''' Why don't you have one just sellotaped to your chin, Emma? Write this down! Write on his shirt! Just write it down! 
:''(Phil tries to take the pen from Emma, but Emma's not messing around.)''
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' I'm serious. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you listening to Daddy? 
:'''Emma:''' Okay. 
:'''Stewart:''' I want you to pull some info, right? On city bonuses, tax evasion, non-doms. Let's name and shame some fat cats! I want to hear some fact-enforced noise! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Ollie arrives at the BBC Building.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Many thanks, Glenn.
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' For getting me in on my special night off. Emma was furious when I said I was coming in here, she was moaning, she was screaming, and then I said I was coming in here. Do you see what I did? 
:'''Glenn:''' (smiling mockingly) I see. 
:'''Ollie:''' It was a joke about my sexual prowess. 
:''(But then, Ollie sees Emma.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' What the fuck are you doing here?
:'''Emma:''' Oh, I'm having an affair with Richard Bacon. I'm incredibly aroused by men with meat in their surname.
:'''Ollie:''' You. You told me...I cooked a lovely meal...
:'''Emma:''' Ordered. And it wasn't lovely. 
:'''Ollie:''' What the fuck's going on?
:''(Emma's cell phone rings)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, I've got to take this. I'll talk to you later. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So! She DID come! She came into work! Do you see what I did there? 
:'''Ollie:''' Fuck off, Glenn.  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is accusing Peter and his party of blocking initiatives that would allow bonuses to the so-called &quot;fat cats.&quot;)'' 
:'''Nicola:'''...when you yourself where actually in cabinet. We have tried repeatedly to initiate legislation which will outlaw these bonuses. Now, your party has persistently blocked those attempts. 
:'''Richard:''' I think it's an interesting point. What do you say, Peter Mannion, to the accusation that these huge bonuses and the offense that they cause are the fault of your party? 
:'''Peter:''' I think that's a completely fatuous argument when Nicola's party has been in government for what seems like about a century, and bonuses under their watch have increased...What? Five fold? Oh, dear! Come on, Nicola. Pull your finger out. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, fine. So you personally would like to see more done to hit the fat cats? 
:'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Is that what you're saying? 
:'''Peter:''' (stammering) Well, yes-yes. I...I would. If the person receiving the bonus hasn't performed well...
:'''Richard:''' Can I, can I simplify that? Let me simplify this. Would you outlaw bonuses? 
:'''Peter:''' (still stuttering) In the case of them being undeserved, yes...
:'''Nicola:''' Which the bulk of them are, so basically you're saying the bulk of your friends in the city are disgusting. 
:'''Peter:''' (confused) No, no, no. Yes, yes, but only if the bonuses they receive are unfair.
:'''Richard:''' I think, well, I think we've got -- It's alright. I think we've got your point. Uh, thank you. Let's move on. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Phil enters the green room)''
:'''Ollie:''' Right, if you speak to me, I will pour hot coffee on your balls.
:'''Phil:''' Hey, guy, I don't want to fight. I want to clear the air, actually. We're like those two little old people in the [[wikipedia:Weather_house|weathercock]]: you come out, I'm in there, and we're swapping round.
:'''Ollie:''' You're Mr. Sunshine, are you?
:'''Phil:''' I'm Mr. Sunshine!
:'''Ollie:''' You're a little wooden twat, in a little wooden house.
:'''Phil:''' Come on, there's no need – we can be friends! I'm thinking two enemies, they come together when they realise it is no more. Aragorn and Boromir! Me: Aragorn, the true king. You: Boromir. [[wikipedia:Middle-earth_objects#Horn_of_Gondor|Your horn]] is broken, and will be blown no more.
:'''Ollie:''' This inability to talk without using ''Lord of the Rings'' metaphors is one of the very ''many'' reasons that we could never be friends.
:'''Phil:''' Okay. By the way, you'll be getting a bill. That's OK, though, I presume you're expecting that. 
:'''Ollie:''' Okay, I'll bite. (sighs) Why will I be getting a bill, Phil? 
:'''Phil:''' Ah, let me see, partial rent, electricity, gas, internet use, toilet paper...Kept a note every time you were round at the flat. 
:'''Ollie:''' You're moving out? Oh, that's a shame. I'll miss doing that secret and bad thing I did with your roll-on deodorant. 
:'''Phil:''' I'm not moving out. I'm just guessing that seeing how Emma's dumped you, you won't be coming round much any more. 
:'''Ollie:''' What? 
:'''Phil:''' Oh, let me just savor this moment. Thank you, God. She hasn't told you, has she? 
:'''Ollie:''' No, what? 
:'''Phil:''' She's dumped you. She did it tonight. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, no. She didn't do it tonight. 
:'''Phil:''' Let me get a little photo of this moment. Hey, new desktop picture here: Ollie being dumped!
:''(Ollie doesn't appreciate being told of this bit of news by Phil.)''   
:'''Ollie:''' Why would she tell you first, dickwad?
:'''Phil:''' I've no idea, she told me to get out of the flat tonight so she could dump you. Anyway, in the words of [[wikipedia:Shakespears_Sister|Shakespears Sister]], ''(sings in falsetto)'' '[[wikipedia:You're_History|You're History]]'! ''(Ollie throws his coffee at Phil's groin)'' Ah, f– It's a dark suit and it's only lukewarm, I ''still'' win!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Richard is taking another call on his show)'' 
:'''Richard:''' James Henderson, what's your point? 
:'''Peter:''' Is that Jim Henderson from Clifton? 
:'''Richard:''' ''(surprised)'' You two know each other? 
:'''Peter:''' We've met. We know each other. 
:'''James:''' ''(talking to Peter on the phone line)'' We've met! Yes, we ''have'' met. I'm surprised to hear you turning on the city boys. Um, you never found the JFU donating huge wodges of cash to your party ''disgusting.'' 
:'''Peter:''' Well, that's a separate issue...
:'''James:''' ''(continuing)'' Even though everyone knows they've got links with sweatshops. 
:'''Richard:''' Wow! 
:'''Peter:''' What? 
:'''Richard:''' Well, that's quite an extraordinary allegation, very serious. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(still in his office)'' YES! 
:'''Richard:''' ...links to sweatshops? 
:'''Peter:''' That should be looked into, but...
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's my birthday! 
:'''Peter:''' ...I don't know the facts. 
:'''James:''' I've just told you the facts! Are you calling me a liar? 
:'''Janice:''' I can't believe my ears, did we just break a story that wasn't 'the [[wikipedia:Ipswich_Town_F.C.|Ipswich]] manager just got sacked'?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(leaving his office)'' It's my birthday! ''(Offering someone a piece of cake)'' Cunt cake? Go ahead! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart is on his cell phone, telling Emma he's coming down to the BBC Studios.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Right, Emma. Look, look, look, I'm just coming in. Okay? Yeah, look, I'll be 20 minutes, right? So see if you can get Peter to do something inoffensive for 20 minutes. Hard boil 4 eggs! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, in the green room...)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''(in a bad mood)'' Great. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You tell fucking Man at C&amp;A that I'm dumped before I do, is that it? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's he talking about? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' I thought he knew. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, you fucking twit! 
:'''Glenn:''' Do you mind keeping it down? Some of us are trying to listen.
:'''Phil:''' I can fill you in: Peter's tearing through her like a Viking at a nunnery.
:'''Glenn:''' If he's a Viking, he's [[wikipedia:Cnut_the_Great|King Cnut]]!
:'''Phil:''' ''WHAT?''
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, he's drowning in the party donations. You should ''listen!'' 
:'''Phil:''' Bullshit! 
:''(Phil and Emma are listening on the radio. Ollie's trying to get Emma's attention.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You can't even fucking look at me! 
:'''Phil:''' We're trying to listen here now. 
:'''Ollie &amp; Emma:''' Shut the fuck up, Phil! 
:''(And now, EVERYBODY'S arguing!)'' 
:'''Janice:''' ''(storming into the green room)'' OK, do you want to shut up? And if you lot don't keep this down, I'm gonna have you all ejected from the building. ''(points at Terri)'' You are the worst, my chair still smells of your perfume!
:'''Terri:''' Excuse me! For the record, I have done nothing.
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, that will be your epitaph, Terri.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Glenn are celebrating just outside the green room)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Great! Good! Yes! I'm cooking now. 
:'''Glenn:''' Cooking with gas! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm fucking Delia Smith! I'm cracking eggs, I'm pouring in baking powder, I'm using fucking vanilla extract. It's great! 
:''(Peter is in the green room with Phil, trying to recover from his stumbles on 5 Live)'' 
:'''Peter:''' That was not good. That was the opposite of good. 
:'''Phil:''' Bad. 
:'''Peter:''' How do I counter? Have you heard of JFU? 
:'''Phil:''' I didn't actually hear that bit, so I don't know.
:'''Peter:''' You couldn't hear? CHRIST! You're...''(Chuckling, looking at Nicola and Glenn outside)'' Sorry, it's just...
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' You're here to hear, Phil. Why do you think you're here? You're HERE to HEAR! You're not here for eye candy! 
:'''Phil:''' Look, it's not my fault. It was very noisy in here. Ollie and Emma were splitting up at the time, and I couldn't really focus...
:'''Peter:''' ''Emma?'' ''Emma?'' Why is ''Emma'' here? 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart sent her down here. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(looking at Phil's trousers)'' ''Why have you got wet trousers?'' 
:'''Phil:''' Ollie threw coffee at me. 
:'''Peter:''' I'm sorry. I seemed to have wandered into some 1970s [[wikipedia:Ray Cooney|Ray Cooney]] farce. Is the vicar about to come around with [[wikipedia:Brian Rix|Brian Rix]] and [[wikipedia:Robin Askwith|Robin Askwith]]? 
:'''Janice:''' Right, back in. Headphones on ears, arses on chairs. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Meanwhile, Ollie and Emma are arguing in the hallway...and Terri's sitting just inches away from them.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Ollie, we just, we don't make any time for each other any more. 
:'''Ollie:''' We're busy people. We work really, really hard. We work harder than Fat Pat's arteries. Of course we...
:'''Terri:''' Did you used to make time for each other? I mean, I think that's the crucial question. 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry...
:'''Ollie:''' Okay, just for a second, Aunt Terri, fuck off! 
:'''Terri:''' Where am I meant to go? 
:'''Ollie:''' Pretend you've got to go and have a shit or something. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' You're going to be a lot better off without him. 
:'''Emma:''' What do you mean I'm going to be...
:'''Ollie:''' You're not going to be better off... 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, have you...Do you talk about me at work? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, fuck this! This is like that nightmare I had about being on ''[[wikipedia:Loose Women|Loose Women]].''
:''(After Ollie walks away from the argument, however, he sees Glenn and Phil talking in the corner.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Phil)'' ...that one at all. I mean, everyone knows that Schumacher is Stig. 
:'''Phil:''' I think that was just publicity, just to keep it going. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' Right. I'll go back to ''Loose Women.'' 
:'''Phil:''' ''(still talking to Glenn)'' Friend of mine thinks it's actually May, Hammond and Clarkson, purely 'cause Stig is an anagram of &quot;gits.&quot;
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, right. 
:''(Ollie is forced to go back to Emma and Terri's corner)'' 
:'''Emma:''' I just don't think he should be talking about me at all, let alone things that are totally private.
:'''Terri:''' No, I agree, I absolutely – ''(sees that Ollie has returned)'' Then the bank bonuses are very high, aren't they?
:'''Ollie:''' I know you've been talking about me, Terri, because I've got this weird [[Derren Brown]] thing going on where I can see and hear things, Terri.
:'''Emma:''' So, Ollie, what exactly have you been saying to them in the office about me?
:'''Ollie:''' I've been saying, er, you smell of fennel, you're racist –
:'''Emma:''' Funny.
:'''Ollie:''' – you torture horses, and you're in [[wikipedia:The_Bangles|The Bangles]], that's what I've been saying about you at work.
:'''Emma:''' See, I think you've been sexually bragging.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, don't flatter yourself.
:''(Stewart has finally entered the room.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Emma, I didn't send you here so you could chat about your sex life. I sent you here to back-block Peter's narrative, hmm? ''(Stewart then points to the Piercings Man)'' And what's happened to Phil? I mean, don't get me wrong, I like him, but I'm not seeing him in man-made fibers. 
:'''Emma:''' He's just drying his...He's drying his trousers. 
:''(Stewart's in quiet disbelief...)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I don't want to know. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(seeing Stewart enter the control room)'' How perfect. Who should walk in...
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' I'm Stewart Pearson, yeah? See the fat man that you're berating like he's a piñata? Well, I own him.
:'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, that's a fascinating development –
:'''Peter''' ''(seeing Malcolm arrive)'': Oh! And as we speak, who should come rolling along the corridor but Malcolm Tucker, the man who was once referred to as the [[wikipedia:Gorbals|Gorbals]] [[Joseph Goebbels|Goebbels]]...
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, don't do a joke. Peter, don't do a...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, can you explain, please, why your party spin doctor has arrived entirely announced? 
:'''Peter:''' I would say it was an indication of how seriously our party is taking the allegations that we were...
:'''Stewart:''' Don't say it again! 
:'''Peter:''' ...receiving donations from... 
:'''Richard:''' From a sweatshop labour company. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Ooh! Did you prep him with this shit, yeah? 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, yeah, yeah. The last thing I said to him was go in there and bomb. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, it fucking worked. Usually, he comes across like, you know, just another third-rate Donald Sinden. But tonight, he's like a ventriloquist's dummy that's fucking falling to bits. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really nice to see you without those veins in your temples throbbing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Cause you have really got your work cut out with him, haven't you? Look at the hair. You've got to do something. He's like fucking Swiss Toni. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah. Well, this is radio, Malcolm, but it's great to be getting this straight from you. Thanks. 
:'''Janice:''' Look, do you guys have to make so much noise? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Janice)'' I don't know if they told you this on your training day, love, but this is fucking soundproofed, that, they can't hear you. I mean, we're like Ted Moult to them. 
:'''Janice:''' Look, can you please get out? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No. Actually, we -- we are entitled to be in here. That lot, they should all be in here. All the political advisors should be in here. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm brings EVERYBODY into the Control Room!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I just want to add to the party atmosphere. I'm perfectly entitled to this. 
:''(While Malcolm is doing this, Stewart is reading a text message off of Janice's computer screen)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Gather round, everybody. There is a text here from Tim in Ruislip. This is what Tim's text says: &quot;Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition.&quot; 
:'''Richard:''' ''(in the studio)'' Can I just say to the listeners at home, I have no idea what's going on now. We're in a studio, there's another room next door... 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(pushing everybody out)'' We have to get out, right? Okay. Let's get, you know...
:'''Stewart:''' What do you reckon, Malcolm? It seems like a big issue to me. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not. We're going to move on to piercings. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' Janice, I'm sure in the interest of balance, you'll want to...
:'''Janice:''' Right, can you shut up, right? Malcolm's right, I decide what is news. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Absolutely. 
:'''Janice:''' And this is fucking news! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Bullshit! Right. See this here? ''(Malcolm goes to the &quot;Shut Down&quot; button.)'' You do it and I will press this fucking button. 
:'''Janice:''' Don't fucking threaten me! 
:'''Malcolm:''' This switch... 
:'''Janice:''' Richard, Tim in Ruislip. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You do that and I will...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Richard reads the text from &quot;Tim in Ruislip,&quot; which turns the whole Murray-Mannion debate on its' head.)'' 
:'''Richard:''' We've just received this text message from Tim in Ruislip...
:'''Stewart:''' ''(smiling)'' Ooh. She's actually put it through. 
:'''Richard:''' And he says, &quot;Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition.&quot; 
:''(Malcolm is very upset with Janice for sending Tim's text message through to Richard's computer in the studio.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's your fucking career over, right, OK, you're fucking dead. And those three little words, 'Tim in [[wikipedia:Ruislip|Ruislip]]', are the fucking nails in your coffin, dear. ''(imitates hammering)'' Tim. In. Ruislip. Tim in fucking Ruislip. And as for Tim in fucking –
:'''Janice:''' Yeah, okay, can you stop ''fucking saying that, please?''  
:'''Malcolm:''' – FUCKING, fucking Ruislip, he's fucking dead as well! That fucking texting coward. Give me his number. What's his fucking number? Give me the fucking number of Tim in Ruislip.
:'''Janice:''' ''(to her assistant)'' Erase it. Take it off the screen now.
:'''Malcolm:''' If you don't give me his fucking number, do you know what I'm gonna have to do? I'm gonna have to fucking go to fucking Ruislip, and fucking snap the thumb and forefinger off of every single person I see, who I think resembles the kind of wanker that would be walking around in this day and fucking age with a name like fucking Tim! How do you think that sounds, huh?
:'''Stewart:''' Quite, quite mad.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Stewart)'' You and I have to have a word. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice and her assistant)'' I think he wants me to step outside.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is bossing everybody around, acting like he's the President of the BBC.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the &quot;Piercings Man&quot;)'' Right. You're on, mate. Come on. Get in there now. I want you in there rattling your fucking jewelry and talking about your fucking Prince Albert. Come on. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Piercings Man)'' He doesn't actually work here. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to everybody else)'' Vamoose, you lot! Fucking vamoose! ''(to Piercings Man)'' Come on, Johnny fucking Depp. Get in here. 
:'''Piercings Man:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Get off! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking shove a fucking magnet down your throat and watch your fucking face implode! Get in there! 
:''(The Piercings Man comes into the studio)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Here he is. Piercings. In you go. Sit down there, son, no problem, go ahead. 
:'''Richard:''' Now, I assume you're here for the piercings debate...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm Tucker vs. Stewart Pearson: The Spin Doctor Showdown!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Here's the fucking thing. Nobody talks about fucking dodgy donors, okay? Because it makes everybody look bad. 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, I'll go with a different angle, then. How do you think it would land with your female voters if they were to find out that Tom Rudd forced his secretary into having an abortion? 
:'''Malcolm:''' That was her own personal choice, and by the way, it wasn't his. ''(whispers)'' Over here. 
:''(Malcolm and Stewart walk away from the studio)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Wow! So him paying for a private clinic, then, was just because he's such a nice man? 
:'''Malcolm:''' He IS a nice man. What about your nice man at Central Planning, eh? The one who got a bit carried away and fucking slapped his kids about a little bit too much? Fucking broke the skin! But he wasn't such a nice man, was he? But I suppose that's just part of your &quot;common sense checklist,&quot; yeah. All they need is a good slap and do please remember to leave your fucking rings on! 
:'''Stewart:''' You go check your facts, Malcolm. That was a domestic accident and nothing more. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Domestic accident, yeah, 'cause he's got fucking hands the size of fucking doors! 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, you want to talk about hardmen, Malcolm, yeah? Now I know you've got to be hard to be a chief whip, but really, coke dealing at university? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh! Please, please! 
:'''Stewart:''' Hey, am I right in thinking he's now godfather to one of the PM's kids, yeah? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, you know what I have got at the back of my fucking filing cabinet? I've got a fucking photograph that I've been waiting for a fucking ''rainy day'' to show everyone, which is a photograph of ''your'' fucking [[wikipedia:Shadow_Chancellor_of_the_Exchequer|Shadow Chancellor]], at one of his fucking parties, dressed up in fucking bra, suspenders, and fucking ''blackface!'' What's his defence gonna be, hey, when I email that to the fucking Sun? &quot;Oh, well I am just de Shadow Chancellor&quot;?
:'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, he won't have a defense, because you haven't got that picture...
:'''Malcolm:''' I have!   
:'''Stewart:''' Because that didn't happen! However, I do have a statement from a rent boy...
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, that's very useful for you. You can claim that against your expenses, can't you? 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, yeah, funny, very funny.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you'll get that for free. Is that one of the perks of your fucking job? 
:'''Stewart:''' No, listen. His statement says...he will swear that one of your prominent back-bench MPs paid him to sit on his chest! 
:'''Malcolm:''' DON'T! &lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Stewart actually reach a compromise.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, look, this is out of order, okay? 
:'''Stewart:''' Here's the deal. We both, both make statements saying that our guys in there, they were not in possession of all the facts. Hmm? But we're looking into it. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You'd do that? Hang your own guy out to fucking dry? 
:'''Stewart:''' What? Peter Mannion, MP? Yeah! Old guard? We're not sending him to DoSac to fatten him up. We're putting him out to pasture, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We should just go home. 
:'''Stewart:''' We can do that. We can just seal this in. Contain the toxicity. Chernobyl FM. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you carry on like this and I might not find you utterly fucking contemptible. 
:'''Stewart:''' That's an incentive. I'll get my bag. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm listens to the radio as he leaves in Nicola's car.)''
:'''Richard:''' Andrew in Suffolk writes, 'The body is a temple. Temples aren't made of metal. Case closed.'
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola's driver)'' You couldn't turn that to [[wikipedia:Magic_(Radio)|Magic FM]], could you mate? Otherwise I'm gonna have to tear my eyelids off and scrunch them up into fucking earplugs.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Phil:''' You just start off about how great the City used to be, then how it's not so great now, and then end with a joke. It's the classic shit sandwich, you know: bread, shit, bread!
:'''Peter:''' Phil, if anyone bites into a shit sandwich, they don't say, 'Mmm, bread!', they say, 'Oh fuck, I've got a mouthful of shit! ''(Janice the producer shoves him into the studio)'' You mental bastard! Why have you filled my sandwich with shi–'

== Series 3, Episode 6 ==
:''(This is the opening scene of this episode.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Morning, Ollie. How's your head? Like a bat shat in it at all?
:'''Ollie:''' No, I am, if anything, Glenn, I am hung-''under.'' First DoSAC party under the new regime, you lasted 'til, I'd say, seven? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I do have a life, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but only in the way that, you know, jellyfish or athlete's foot have a life. What was it last night, then? Candlelit annivorcery dinner for one? 
:''(Terri enters the scene carrying a large plant.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Morning. 
:'''Ollie:''' Hello. (Ollie's curious...) Terri, what actually are you up to? Are you still drunk? 
:'''Terri:''' No, I had to get in early anyway, because this BBC man's coming. 
:''(Ollie notices that Terri's wearing trainers!)
:'''Ollie:''' Are you wearing trainers? You ''ARE'' wearing trainers! 
:'''Terri:''' Yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' If Signal toothpaste made trainers, that's what they'd look like.
:'''Terri:''' Well, I don't see there's any...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(pointing at Terri's trainers)'' This color for healthy breath...
:''(Nicola enters the scene, and she's...a little hungover.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Morning, morning. 
:'''Terri:''' Do please let me...
:''(Terri helps Nicola by taking her suitcase.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Thank you very much. 
:'''Terri:''' Would you like me to take your coffee? 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. I'm clinging on to that for dear life, I tell you.
:'''Terri:''' Well, it will dehydrate you. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good-o. 
:'''Ollie:''' Mojito Murray, they now call her. You know, they had to install speed bumps at the bar. She's like Gazza at Euro '96. 
:''(Ollie mimics somebody getting drunk.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' I really love the division of labour in this place. I like the way the women do the heavy lifting and the men do the heavy sarcasm. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(While Nicola is conducting an interview with a BBC reporter regarding Nicola's launch of her Fourth Sector Initiative, Glenn and Ollie are discussing the Prime Minister's world tour.)''
:'''Ollie:''' So why is the PM doing this world tour thing? What's the point of that? I mean, he's not easy on the world stage, is he? He walks like his dick's made of glass, you know? Is it a Malc plan? 
:'''Glenn:''' Could be? Or, you know, Steve Fleming's back, it could be him. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, if he's back, it really is the end, isn't it? What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' You could be a Beefeater. Do you want to be a Beefeater? 
:'''Glenn:''' Don't you worry about me, Ollie. I've got contacts. 
:'''Ollie:''' What do you mean, &quot;Don't worry about me&quot;? Are you big in Japan or something? 
:''(Glenn gives Ollie a wide, sly smile.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' What? What's that smile for? Do you need winding? 
:''(And then, Glenn shares a BIG surprise with Ollie.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm going to stand in the election. 
:'''Ollie:''' (surprised indeed) Are you...Are you serious? 
:'''Glenn:''' I should hear later today whether or not I've got enough support for the Ilford East long list. 
:'''Ollie:''' Fucking hell. You on a massive poster. What's your slogan going to be? &quot;He's old and sullen, vote for Cullen.&quot; How about that? 
:'''Glenn:''' Actually...I'm pretty excited about this. 
:'''Ollie:''' Sort of hard to take on board. It's like being told your dad's gay or something. (Glenn laughs while Ollie continues) I am strangely really proud of you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's interview didn't go as well as she wanted it to, and now...Ollie's got some more bad news for her.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Right, so Ben Swain, the man you love to hate and love to sack, actually, is on his way up.
:'''Nicola:''' Oh great, I'm flypaper for dickheads today. Right, I'm gonna get out of this funeral suit and chisel off the first three inches of makeup. ''(leaves)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(seeing Ben arrive)'' Ah, the prodigal Swain returns.
:'''Ollie:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_10|Ben 10]], [[wikipedia:Menstrual_cycle|Benstrual cycle]], [[wikipedia:Born_on_the_Fourth_of_July|Ben on the Fourth of July]]!
:'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:Polly_Put_the_Kettle_On|Ollie Put the Kettle On]], [[wikipedia:On_the_Good_Ship_Lollipop|On the Good Ship Ollie-pop]], [[wikipedia:Auld_Lang_Syne|Oll-d Lang Syne]].
:'''Ollie:''' How are things going at the Department of [[wikipedia:Tony_Blair#Leader_of_the_Opposition|Education Education Education]]?
:'''Ben:''' They're going up the fuck-pump, Ollie, mainly because you are the Robin Hood of politics.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, Robin Hood was a hero.  
:'''Ben:''' No, he was not a hero, he was a terrorist. You're just stealing from the Education Department and pumping it out as a DoSAC idea. This Back On Track Policy that you launched at your little chimps' tea party last night? Well, that sounds very similar -- ''Very, very sim'' -- Almost identical in fact -- to my Unify Policy that I ''was'' working on here until I was booted out by Knicker-Face. Right, where is Jenni Murray? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. Well, she's -- I really wouldn't go in...
:''(Ben barges in on Nicola in her office -- while she's changing her clothes!)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' OH!
:'''Ben:''' JESUS! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. She's just been doing an interview there, Ben. 
:'''Ben:''' What? An interview for what? [[wikipedia:FHM|FHM]]? What's she done to her face? She looks like a pissed Aunt Sally. 
:''(Nicola comes out of her office, and Ben tries to apologize for his rudeness.)''
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ben)'' Yeah, I really...
:'''Ben:''' I'm very sorry again...
:'''Nicola:''' Let's not talk about it ever again. 
:'''Ben:''' I will forget...
:'''Nicola:''' Right. What do you want? 
:'''Ben:''' ...everything I've seen. Now, Back On Track, it is exactly the same as my Unify Initiative. I know you don't like me, you made that as clear as fish piss by kicking me out of here 10 nanoseconds after you arrived. 
:''(Ollie's cell phone has started ringing.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's calling. I thought he was supposed to be sluicing sand out of Tom's thong in Ibiza or wherever they've got to. 
:'''Nicola:''' He is, he's away. He's in Spain. Just ignore, ignore Malcolm. 
:'''Ollie:''' Ignore Malcolm?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, what can he do?
:''(Malcolm is entering the scene on his cell phone. As he enters, he's leaving an odd message on Ollie's cell phone.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, mate. Ollie, you're not answering your phone and I'm getting really, really worried that you hurt yourself. I just keep getting these terrible images flashing in my head, you know. Of you being stabbed repeatedly in the face. Or of you in a coma on a life-support machine, dreaming about being a gay policeman in the 1970s. 
:''(But then, Malcolm looks up to see Ollie. Alive and well.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, I can explain. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Thank God that you're safe. 
:''(But just as it looks like Malcolm's getting ready to hug Ollie, Malcolm rudely holds up a mock &quot;Peace&quot; sign and points to Ollie's phone.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, [[wikipedia:Zac Efron|Cack Efron]]. ''(Malcolm then notices Ben)'' What's Giant Gaystacks doing here? 
:'''Ben:''' Um, I'm here, Malcolm, because Nicola has been nicking my policies through Ollie. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Is this true, the Little Man in the Red and Yellow Car? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I've been told by Steve Fleming to think the unthinkable.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, listen, ''I'' am telling you to ''un''-think the unthinkable – Shit, you can't even cope with thinking the thinkable.
:'''Nicola:''' Why are you even here?
:'''Terri:''' (jogging her way towards Malcolm) Hello, Malcolm. Oh, you look a bit tired. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Yeah. You look incompetent. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, tired and a wee bit grumpy. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, actually, [[wikipedia:Lucille Ball|Lucille Ballbag]], I am here to prep Nicola here for her BBC interview. 
:'''Nicola:''' A bit late for that. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm has to restart the conversation with Nicola and Terri in Nicola's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, I fucking e-mailed you and I told you to move it to later, because I wanted to administer a preparatory fucking verbal cosh. Right? 
:'''Terri:''' Well...
:'''Malcolm:''' And there it is. (Malcolm is looking at the e-mail on his cell phone.) It didn't fuck -- It didn't fucking send! 
:'''Terri:''' Ah! 
:'''Malcolm:''' It didn't send, right? 
:'''Terri:''' There you go. You just owe me an apology, that's all. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (insulted) I'm sorry? 
:'''Nicola:''' That's the one. 
:'''Malcolm:''' That wasn't an apology. That was a &quot;pardon?&quot; I'm sorry. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Why aren't you on the Tom tour, by the way? 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, I heard Steve Fleming was on the tour. Hmm. Big beast. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Tiny fucking rodent, more like. He's part of the larger problem. 
:'''Nicola:''' Which is? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Have you been at Number 10 lately? Jesus, it's like the break-up of the Beatles, right? During the fall of the Roman Empire, while fucking [[wikipedia:Katie_Price|Jordan]]'s getting divorced from [[wikipedia:Peter_Andre|that bloke]]. All happening at the same time in a tiny fucking terraced house, yeah?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, people, listen up! It's a fucking lockdown, right now!
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, come off it! We're not in a prison drama, are we?
:'''Malcolm:''' We are in a prison drama and this is the fucking [[The Shawshank Redemption|''Shawshank Redemption'']], right? But with more tunnelling through shit and no fucking redemption.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that trainers that she's wearing? ''(to Terri)'' Are you wearing fucking train– You're supposed to be a civil servant, not a fucking playgroup assistant.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' It's like wet play, isn't it?
:'''Ollie:''' Hah!
:'''Glenn''' ''(playing chess over the phone, with a miniature chessboard)'': Queen to knight 4.
:'''Ben:''' I never had you down as a chess man, Glenn, I thought you might be more the kind to play Ludo or something.
:'''Glenn:''' Do you mind?
:'''Ben:''' Oh what, can you not multitask, [[wikipedia:Deep_Blue_(chess_computer)|Deep Beige]]? ''(He and Ollie laugh)''
:'''Glenn:''' What, check? Oh, fuck you!
:'''Ben:''' Well, you know, politics is like a game of chess, Glenn, insofar as you're shit at both of them.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his mobile)'': Nicola Murray is not going to make a leadership announcement this evening. Permission to speak frankly and off the record, yeah? She's an idiot. I ''know'' that she's in the Cabinet, but look, that's like being disabled at a football match, yeah? I mean, she's very close to the action, but hardly likely to score a goal. That – No! That – How is that offensive? That is a very fair and accurate portrayal of just how fucking retarded she is.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Are you emailing? Are you stirring this up? Is that why you came into DoSAC today: did you have a big bucket of shit and a whisk?
:'''Ben:''' No. ''(beat)'' Yes, a bit.
:'''Nicola:''' What are you saying?  
:'''Ben:''' Just, you know, 'Joan Rivers wants to be the new Prime Minister. Have a look at this clip of her online, staking her bid.'
:'''Nicola:''' You treacherous shit.
:'''Ben:''' Come on, it's not my fault you've dressed up like a dead geisha.
:'''Nicola:''' Why are you doing this?
:'''Ben:''' Because I'm bored, it's funny and – and I hate you. There you are, the holy trinity of why.
:'''Nicola:''' Do you know, talking to you is like talking to a fucking whoopee cushion!
:'''Terri:''' Right. Bit of good news. 
:'''Glenn:''' What?
:'''Terri:''' ''Two'' bits, actually. Um...
:'''Malcolm:''' Enough. Can we all just shut the fuck up, okay? So we can gather our thoughts. So, one at a time. [[wikipedia:Private_Godfrey|Private Godfrey]], get to your station. ''(Glenn runs to his desk)'' I want to hear what the word is on the street.
:'''Glenn:''' All right, ''(reporting from his computer)'' 'Ben has been seen coming into DoSAC but not going out. Possibly Ben is her running mate as number two in a leadership bid.'
:'''Ben:''' Hah! Right, I don't mind going out there now and telling them all face to face just how much I hate Nicola and how unlikely that is to happen, and get myself a sandwich, I'm fucking starving –
:'''Malcolm:''' What did I just fucking say, what did I just fucking say? I said one at a fucking time. Stand up. ''(Ben does not stand)'' I'm telling you to fucking stand up, you sack of fucking cum! Stand the fuck up! ''(Ben stands)'' Fucking move, right. ''(Malcolm grabs a keyboard)'' See that? Fucking play with that, right? Never mind your fucking toys, play with that. ''(Malcolm hands Ben the keyboard and pushes him)'' Go and stand in that fucking corner. ''Stand over there, right? And do not move, or I will perform a fucking living fucking autopsy on you! With a fucking rusty spade, and I'll have your kidneys for fucking CUFFLINKS!''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ben)'' See, you? Get me a fucking [[wikipedia:Curly_Wurly|Curly Wurly]], right?
:''(Shortly afterwards, Ben gives Malcolm a Curly Wurly.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a classic Curly Wurly I wanted. A Curly Wurly should be the size of a small ladder.
:'''Ben:''' Your hands have got bigger.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' That was utterly humiliating. For fuck's sake, Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Shouldn't that be 'of fuck's sake'?
:'''Nicola:''' I don't know what you're talking about.  
:'''Malcolm:''' May I just quote it to you? 'The Prime Minister is the right man ''for'' the moment.'
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. That's what you told me to say.
:'''Malcolm''': ''Of'' the moment, ''of'' the moment, I told you to say '&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''of'' the fucking moment': there's a huge difference between me saying to you, 'Nicola, I would like to go'' for'' a lovely walk with you', and 'Nicola, I would like to make a hat out'' of'' your fucking entrails!' ''(And then, Malcolm's cell phone rings. Again.)'' Excuse me. 
:''(Who's on Malcolm's cell phone NOW?)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Steven. ''(beat)'' Yes, well you can tell Tom right now that I'm fucking sweating embryos for him, okay? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ben:''' Look at this! Takeaway and a fight. All I need now is a handjob in a bus shelter, I've had the great British night out.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Jesus, you're about as on the ball today as a dead seal!
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, that's one of my fucking lines!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Terri, I thought we had a deal, right? When I need your advice I'll give you the special signal, which is me [[wikipedia:Involuntary_commitment_internationally#United_Kingdom|being sectioned under the fucking Mental Health Act]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' How fucking dare you. Have you any idea of the amount of pressure that has been exerted on my skull, huh? It feels like my brain has been fucking emptied into little packets, into fucking crisp packets. Cheese and onion fucking crisp packets, that contain my living, breathing, fucking brain!
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm, I'm really sorry, I –
:'''Malcolm:''' ''And these crisp packets'' – cheese and onion, smoky bacon – they've been stomped on. They've been fucking stomped on! By Ben, fucking Nicola –
:'''Terri:''' I didn't mean to be horrid –
:'''Malcolm:''' AND FUCKING YOU!  
:''(long silence)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Terri:''' ''I'm'' sorry.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' sorry.
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I'm over it, okay? Don't you apologise, don't you fucking apologise, you don't need to apologise. I love this place. I do! I mean, fucking compared to Number 10, this place, this place is fucking tranquil, yeah? Over there, 300 yards down the road, I mean it's like a fucking cancer ward: I mean, there are people in there, they're fucking screaming at each other. They're screaming, 'You gave me this fucking disease. You gave me this fucking disease!' And every corner that I turn, there's another threat, Terri: hacks! Hacks, fucking vampire hacks! And they're slaughtering us, Terri, THEY ARE FUCKING SLAUGHTERING US, AND THEY WANT MY FACE FOR A FLANNEL!
:'''Terri:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you know what? I used to be the fucking pharaoh, Terri, I used to be the fucking pharaoh! Now I'm fucking floundering in a fucking Nile of shit! But I am gonna fashion a paddle out of that shit. Yeah?
:'''Terri:''' Mmm. Good idea.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not going down. I am not going down. Yeah?
:'''Terri:''' ''(whispers)'' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' How are you feeling about things?
:'''Terri:''' Well, you know, I'm just trying to do my best and, you know, make sure I can still get home by six o'clock. Do you want a huggle?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I think – That's nice of you, I really appreciate it. Terri, it's been nice to have a chat, but I've gotta get on.
:'''Terri:''' Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Let's get back on track.
:'''Terri:''' Get back on track.
:''(both leave the room)''
:'''Malcolm:''' As they say, right?
:'''Terri:''' Funny to use that phrase.
:'''Malcolm:''' All righty-o, okay, Nicola, let's see you in your office, please.
:'''Ollie:''' What did he say?
:'''Terri:''' Dunno, it was all about ancient Egypt.
:'''Ollie:''' Ancient Egypt?
:'''Terri:''' Yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's Fourth Sector Initiative launch speech has bombed...and that's not the only thing that's bombed)''
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, sorry I missed it. Did it go well? 
:'''Nicola:''' Nope. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, uh, more good news. Um...I'm afraid my chances of becoming an MP have been torpedoed...by the U-boat that was you. The selection committee decided that my association with you was too divisive. 
:'''Ollie:''' The dream is over, eh? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm devastated. I had 500 quid on you being the new Foreign Secretary. 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, it's a great loss to regional politics, for sure. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' By flying so close to your bright Sun like Icarus, I have crashed to the Earth and died. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Ladies and Gentlemen, the dirty protest is now over; please mop up your shit and fuck off home.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Make sure fucking Nicola doesn't top herself, eh?
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, sure.
:'''Malcolm:''' Make sure that Ben does.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then?
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Really, have you really, you've got plenty of options, have you? ''(Glenn nods.)'' What are those options, let's see, you can't – you can't hold a golf sale sign because of your back, you can't be a prostitute 'cause your waterworks aren't up to it, you can't be a drugs mule, 'cause of your arse, that's too slack, isn't it, so what does that leave you with, you could be – Local weatherman would be perfect; or, er, you could run a whelk stall, how about that? You could be a dinner lady or a [[wikipedia:Speed_bump#Speed_bumps|sleeping policeman]], actually on the road: just lie down, let the cars – You could become one of those people who manipulates their cock and balls into funny shapes for the paying public, it would be nice for them to have a little run out. Or, you could just basically walk into a hospice, and wait to kark it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, Cack Efron. It's a coded message basically telling you that, if you ignore me or my fucking calls again, I'll fucking rip your head off, right? I'll fucking plant a palm tree in your neck, and I'll fuck you fucking tenderly in its shade!
:'''Ollie:''' I can tell you've been away, your threats are including palm trees now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ, [[Crosby, Stills &amp; Nash|Crosby, Still, Nash and fucking Young]] – Look at the lot of you, it's like walking into an installation at the [[wikipedia:Tate_Britain|Tate Gallery]] that everybody's forgotten about.

==Series 3, Episode 7==
:''(At the start of this episode, Nicola and her team are getting ready to launch DoSAC's Healthy Choices Campaign. The scene starts with a delivery man delivering big bottles of water.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to the delivery man, chuckling)'' Oh, that's great. Don't know why we've ordered so much water. We've all got rabies. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' So, basically, just get crisps shaped like rockets, rainbow-colored ice cream, you know the stuff that all the other kids have at their parties. 
:''(MORE big bottles of water!)''
:'''Glenn:''' (surprised) Blimey! More? What are we doing? Opening a dolphinarium?  
:'''Nicola:''' (off her phone) Good. Sorted. So...Sorry about that. Where were we? 
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, healthy eating. 
:'''Terri:''' Beneficial Lifestyle Choices. 
:'''Ollie:''' Get in! 
:'''Glenn:''' What?
:'''Ollie:''' (happily) I've just landed Andy Murray. 
:'''Nicola:''' YAY! That's brilliant! Andy Murray? 
:'''Ollie:''' I've definitely got Andy Murray! 
:'''Nicola:''' Andy Murray, the face of Healthy Choices. 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, all right. 
:'''Terri:''' The tennis player?
:'''Ollie:''' (sarcastically) No, the fucking pianist. 
:'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray ''NETS'' Andy Murray! 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, we both netted him together. 
:'''Terri:''' Are you sure you want him? 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, yeah! 
:'''Terri:''' Murray? ''(beat)'' Doesn't it sound like nepotism? 
:'''Nicola:''' (Not appreciating Terri's criticism) Like, in the way people think Russ and Diane Abbott are related? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Terri:''' Possibly.
:'''Glenn:''' And Bill Murray's her father? 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, I'll level with you. I don't like him. 
:'''Nicola:''' (annoyed) Who would you suggest then, Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' Paula Radcliffe. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''Pooey Paula?'' That's not healthy. Shitting in your own pants, that's definitely not a healthy image. 
:'''Glenn:''' She could demonstrate how to do the Hop, Shit and Jump.
:'''Terri:''' That is very unfair. It only happened once. 
:'''Ollie:''' Once is all you need! Imagine if Bruce Forsyth, beginning of ''Strictly Come Dancing...'' (Ollie pretends to poop) &quot;There we go!&quot; You'd never hear the end of that. And quite rightly! 
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, can we move on from your hatred of Andy Murray, and can we start trailing a major DoSAC initiative? Now, don't give any details at this stage. Just say it's major TBA. 
:'''Terri:''' TBA? 
:'''Nicola:''' To be announced. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, just...
:'''Nicola:''' It's really self-defeating if I have to explain abbreviations to you.
:'''Terri:''' Sure, sure...
:'''Nicola:''' FFS. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What's FFS? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Oh, we're gonna need Malcolm clearance, Ollie. Okay? ''(to Glenn)'' Glenn, can you get rid of all this water as well? It looks like something out of fucking [[wikipedia:Doctor Who|Doctor Who]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, Malcolm is at home serving Indian food to some journalists.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Here they come, it's the [[wikipedia:Flying_Scotsman|Flying Scots-curry-man]]. ''(sings)'' 'Where's your pappadam?' You have got to try this aubergine, it's cooked in [[wikipedia:Ghee|ghee]], right? I fucking love ghee, it's like fucking [[wikipedia:Free_base|freebasing]] butter. Have some more wine, come on, get quaffing. ''(mobile rings)'' Christ, here we go. ''(answers)'' No, we don't do takeaway, right? ''(all laugh, as Malcolm walks away)'' Listen, see, if this is recorded spam, I'm gonna hunt you down and burst your fucking lungs.
:'''Ollie''' ''(at his desk)'': Where actually are you, Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm on holidays!
:'''Ollie:''' ''Where'' are you on holiday, where?
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, OK, I'm in Thailand, in a sex spa. About to get a fucking facial.
:'''Ollie:''' Right, quick summary: [[Andy Murray]], famous tennis player, also lovely Scotch person, face of Healthy Lifestyle Choices. Nicola Murray, slightly panicky, er, minister-lady: wonder if that's OK with you?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah yeah, Andy Murray, yeah, Andy Pandy, fucking Gandhi having a hand-shandy, whatever, just, you know, fuck off out of my life, OK?
:'''Ollie:''' Okey dokey! ''(hangs up. To Nicola and Glenn)'' [[wikipedia:Del_Monte_Foods#Pop_culture_references|The man from Hell Monte, he say 'Fucking aye'!]]&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' (apologizing to his guests) Sorry about that. Everybody's heard about the cooking, so it's...
:'''Geoffrey:''' So, Malcolm, what's all this about?
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that these are hard times for print journalists, yeah? I mean, I read that on the internet. I mean, one day you're writing for the papers and the next you're sleeping under them.
:'''Marianne:''' What, so this is like Malcolm Tucker's Soup Kitchen? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it is, kind of, in a way. I just think that you should have one big square meal before you end up fucking living off white lightning in your own feces. Come on, get stuck in. I'll dish it up for you. 
:'''Marianne:''' What about Tom bringing back Steve Fleming? Kind of makes you old news, doesn't it? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' You repositioning yourself, Malcolm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is about a guy sharing his ghee. That's it. Okay? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' So you're not currying favor, then? 
:''(Marianna starts laughing at Geoffrey's joke.)''
:'''Marianne:''' (laughing) Sorry...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoffrey, jokingly)'' Fuck you. Get out of my house. Get out of my fucking house. That's it. I know...I mean, no wonder nobody's fucking buying your paper. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Nicola, Glenn, Terri and Ollie are still getting over Malcolm being on holiday.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' He's really on holiday? 
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm hasn't been on holiday for 10 years. 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's got to keep moving or he's dead. He's like a shark of [[wikipedia:Bob Dylan|Bob Dylan]]. 
:'''Terri:''' Well, who's driving the bus? 
:''(Steve Fleming enters the office and starts greeting the staff.)'' 
:'''Steve Fleming:''' Morning! Morning, DoSAC.
:'''Glenn:''' Oh.
:'''Nicola:''' Bollocky bollocks. It's the [[A Christmas Carol|Ghost of Christmas Shit]].
:'''Glenn:''' There's your answer, Terri: that's the man driving the bus, that's [[wikipedia:Reg_Varney|Reg bloody Varney]]. All stops to electoral oblivion, ding ding.
:'''Nicola:''' Get in my office, come on. It'll buy us a bit of time.
:''(They all do so, as Steve continues to move towards them.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Come on, have a look.
:'''Ollie:''' I've never seen Steve Fleming in the flesh.
:'''Nicola:''' You're lucky.
:'''Ollie:''' For a man who brought us back into power, he's not very imposing, is he? He's like a Lego policeman.
:'''Nicola:''' Look at him. Super Mario.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve joyfully enters Nicola's office with cups of coffee for her and her team.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Morning, campers! 
:'''Nicola:''' Steve Fleming! 
:''(Nicola and Steve shake hands, BUT...)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Oh, no. 
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. Oh! Okay...
:''(At Steve's insistence, he gives Nicola a HUG! Fun for Steve...but not so much for Nicola.)''  
:'''Steve:''' (happily) Hello, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Hi. 
:'''Steve:''' You look like you've lost some weight. 
:'''Nicola:''' (surprised) Do I? 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah! 
:'''Nicola:''' I don't think so, but...
:'''Steve:''' (very pleased) Oh, I think so, yes. No, your face looks quite gaunt. Muscly. 
:'''Nicola:''' Does it now? 
:'''Steve:''' Anyway, I come bearing caffeinated gifts. 
:''(Steve presents the cups of coffee, and the team is appreciative of his gesture. Then, Steve gets down to business.)''
:'''Steve:''' I'm gonna cut to the chase. I need you to publish...all the crime stats since 2004 as an accompaniment to our Transparent Government launch. From 2004 up to the last quarter. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, we are just about to launch, um, Healthy Choices. ''With'' Andy Murray. 
:'''Steve:''' Andy Murray! Whoa! (Steve mimes a tennis volley.) Ace! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Steve)'' Good joke. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' We'll make a Minister of you yet. 
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, after that, we can try and get you something for, say, end of the week? 
:'''Steve:''' After? Why after? Why not right alongside? Or, here's a thought...Before.
:'''Nicola:''' Because we're under-resourced and it's not a priority. 
:'''Steve:''' The PM thinks it is a priority. It can be done. ''(beat)'' Oh, I seem to have reached the end of my argument. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay. Well, look, um, why don't we say Thursday lunchtime. Okay? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, you've got Fran's leaving lunch on Thursday. 
:'''Nicola:''' I have got a lunch. Thursday afternoon. 
:'''Steve:''' (still smiling) Yes, I don't give a fuck about Fran's leaving lunch. I'm saying ''Now now now now now now now now. Now!'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay. Chillax. We're on the case, Steve. 
:'''Steve:''' Lovely. Thank you very much. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good. Okay. Well, it's a delight to see you again. 
:'''Steve:''' Oh! 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, I get another one. 
:''(Another awkward hug between Steve and Nicola.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' (jokingly) Mind my gaunt face. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to the whole team)'' Bye-bye.
:'''Nicola's team:''' Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(After their first meeting with Steve Fleming...)''  
:'''Ollie:''' What do you call that? Obsessive Repulsive Disorder, I would say.
:'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna ring Malcolm. Holiday or no holiday, I'm gonna ring Malcolm about this.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(impersonating Steve)'' 'Caffeinated gifts!'
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm never brought us coffee. I like him.
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, well you like bath salts, you're basically an idiot.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at Malcolm's house with the journalists...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So everybody's for coffee, yeah? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm sorry I can't do espressos. But I've made this so thick and black, it'll be like fucking drinking plimsolls. 
:'''Marianne:''' This Steve Fleming thing is gonna end in tears, isn't it? I mean, you sacked him last time. 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right. Right. Okay. Off the record. Right? Okay? While Steven is a useful tool, and I do emphasize the word &quot;useful&quot; here, I'm still running the show. Right? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' If you're still running the show, why do you need to tell us? 
:''(Malcolm calmly -- but still menacingly -- walks up to Geoffrey, with the pot of coffee still in his hand.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (calmly) Geoffrey, all I'm saying is this: It would be very much fucking appreciated if you could emphasize the fact that I'm at the heart of the government. Because it's fucking true. I am the heart. I am the ventricles. And the fucking aorta. 
:'''Marianne:''' (chuckling) Malcolm, we get it. You're still the star of the show. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not for me to say, darling. 
:'''Geoffrey:''' No, you're still the star of the show. Yeah, until they start wheeling out the celebrities. What's next, Malcolm? Ant and Dec as the new fucking litter tsars? That's when you know you're 20 points behind in the polls. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well, thank you very much, Mr. Fucking Prick Robinson. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's getting a phone call from a certain someone...)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Nicola, it's your nephew on the phone.
:'''Nicola:''' What?
:'''Terri:''' Your nephew. Andy Murray. 
:'''Nicola:''' (Very excited) Fuck! On the line, now? ''OH, MY GOD! It's Andy Murray on the line!'' What line? 
:'''Terri:''' Press two. 
:'''Nicola:''' He's not there, Terri! Fuck's sake! 
:'''Terri:''' Maybe it was three. 
:'''Nicola:''' God, it drives me insane! Is he there now? 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, yeah. Hang on, let me just get him off hold. 
:'''Nicola:''' It really pisses me off! The fucking phones in this whole -- Andy! Hello! It's Nicola Murray, yes! What a delight to talk to you! 
:''(While NICOLA Murray's chatting on the phone with ANDY Murray, Ollie gets a call on his cell phone from Malcolm.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Hi, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Andy Murray. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, good. We are literally confirming him as we speak. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ditch him. We can't go with celebrities. Right? It's just gonna look bad. 
:'''Ollie:''' Why? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We're gonna look desperate, all right? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, uh...Steve Fleming likes the idea. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Never mind what Mummy says. Just do what Daddy says, right? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, whilst you're on, um, just, um...there's another thing. Uh, Mummy has asked us to publish the crime stats as part of the Transparent Government initiative. Is that all right with Daddy?
:'''Malcolm:''' It's fine. 
:'''Ollie:''' Really? Because, um, Nicola's got that baffled, panicky look like a child on the ghost train. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Give me a second while I look up my little file of things I really don't give a fuck about. And here we have under the letter N, we've got &quot;nail-bombing golf clubs,&quot; there is, uh, the National Trust, there is Newcastle...Nicola Murray. Yes. She's still there. So fucking can Andy Murray and just get on with the fucking crime stats. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(still on the phone with Andy)'' I'll make sure Kate liaises with my press whiz kid, uh, Terri Coverley. She's a woman. But listen, if there is anything else we can do for you, ''please'' don't hesitate to call. Dare I say it, we are ''here to serve'', (laughing) if you'll excuse the pun. All right, Andy. Take care. Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(But now, Ollie has to give Nicola the bad news...)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm says we have to drop him. 
:'''Nicola:''' (in disbelief) What? 
:'''Ollie:''' Andy. He's not in, he's now out. Apparently, according to Malcolm, sent to bed without any barley water. 
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, he's a fucking tennis player! We're not asking Shane MacGowan! ''Why?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' It's nothing personal. He just said bringing in celebrities looks desperate. He said it's the sign of a dying government. 
:'''Nicola:''' We are a dying government! Our hair's falling out, and we're coughing up blood, and our kids are asking us to change the will! 
:'''Ollie:''' Look, he was quite clear about this. He said just, you know, kill it. Kitten, breeze block, sack, canal. 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, I can imagine him being clear about it. Right. We've gotta get on to -- ''(to Terri)'' ''You've'' gotta get on to...
:'''Terri:''' Me? 
:'''Nicola:''' ...Andy Murray's people and find a polite way of saying, &quot;Piss off, Andy. Apparently, you're too well-known to front our public awareness campaign.&quot; 
:'''Terri:''' Right. 
:''(But Glenn has some GOOD news on the crime stats.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Right! Good news is I have done all that pile and that's in the system. 
:'''Ollie:''' Excellent. 
:'''Glenn:''' (stretching his back) Oh, fuck me! 
:''(But then, Glenn sees a trolley-full of more crime stats headed his way!)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''What the hell's THIS?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' It appears to be a trolley-full of crime stats. 
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;Vandalism?&quot; &quot;Bicycle theft?&quot; Oh, this is ridiculous! 
:''(And just when he says THAT, Glenn kicks open a box of crime stats!)''
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that's given us an unexpected head start, well done. I would kill you but I'd have to add you to the fucking figures.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Think about what you're gonna say. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah. Okay, I've done that. 
:'''Nicola:''' What? Already? Is that enough time? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Kate. Hello. Uh, Terri Coverley. Yes. Yeah, we're thrilled about Andy being on board. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Get on with it. 
:'''Terri:''' (stammering) No. I'm not actually saying that it's...
:''(Nicola then sees Steve Fleming entering the room. Again.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' (still whispering) Shit! End the call. End the call. It's Mustache Sally. Fleming! Steve Fleming's here! Put the phone down! 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ah, Nicola Murray! How are the crime stats coming along? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's not easy, Steve, as you can see. But Glenn and Ollie are on top of it. 
:'''Ollie:''' &quot;Other theft?&quot; What the fuck is other theft? 
:'''Glenn:''' I don't know what other theft is. 
:'''Steve:''' If you want to stay late, or pull an all-nighter, if you think it'd help –
:'''Glenn:''' You want us to work all through the night on this?
:'''Steve:''' It would be very much appreciated upstairs.
:'''Ollie:''' Hah, well: I'm an atheist.
:'''Steve:''' ''(laughs)'' By the Prime Minister. I did get the joke, by the way.
:'''Ollie''' ''(mouthing)'': Well done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is back from holiday in this scene, and he's having a warm and friendly chat with his loyal assistant, Sam.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (happily) Good morning, good morning, good morning! I'm back! I'm sorry I left my sombrero at home, but here I am. What do you think of the tan, huh? What do you think of this shade? I call it &quot;Custard Cancer.&quot; (Malcolm gets a delivery.) Oh, thank you very much. 
:'''Sam:''' Where did you go? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I went to, um, Easter Island. I thought I'd spend my time there re-chiseling all the statues, so that they'd look like Westlife. How about a coffee? 
:'''Sam:''' Oh, I've sent you a link to Andy Murray's website. There's, uh, something you should see. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's website? 
:''(While Sam leaves Malcolm's office to get him a cup of coffee, Malcolm reads about the big news on Andy Murray's website...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy says, &quot;Just agreed to lead the government's Healthy Choices campaign. Eat, live, be well.&quot; Fuck a Pot Noodle. 
:''(Uh-oh...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, prepare my horse. I ride – to DoSAC!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Hello, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' Morning, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Who am I, Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' You're Nicola? Nicola Murray? 
:''(Nicola nods her head &quot;Yes.&quot;)''
:'''Terri:''' Ah. Secretary of State for...
:'''Nicola:''' That's right. I'm Secretary of State. So why has a sports personality launched my policy on his fucking website? 
:'''Terri:''' Ah! No, I know. I know exactly why that is. 
:'''Nicola:''' You didn't make the phone call, did you? 
:'''Terri:''' Well, uh, yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' Nicola, um, in other really bad news -- Good morning, by the way. 
:'''Glenn:''' (on the phone) This is about the crime stats, yeah? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, some of the crime stats that we published, as it turns out, were unverified and not ready for being in the public domain. Uh, Marianne Swift from ''The Mail...''
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, Swine-Face Swift. 
:'''Ollie:''' That's the one. She noticed, uh, a drop in the figures for aggravated burglary in the last quarter. Whereas when she checked it out...
:'''Nicola:''' There was no drop. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Right. So Swine-Face Swift and her piggy hack-hog colleagues...
:'''Ollie:''' Exactly. So we're getting a lot of, uh, oinking on the phones. So basically what that means is that the department -- well, essentially the royal you, um, seem to have massaged the crime figures. 
:'''Nicola:''' Great. Thank you, Steve fucking &quot;Ew, Nicola!&quot; Fleming! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yup. He is a fucking...ninny, isn't he?
:'''Nicola:''' Bring my dispatch boxes. 
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is, [[wikipedia:Bob_Carolgees|Bob Carolgees]]; how's the wee comedy dog?
:'''Steve:''' Welcome back. Good holiday? I hear your kitchen's lovely at this time of year.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well actually, I went to Spain.
:'''Steve:''' Oh, nice.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah, I went to Malaga, it was lovely. I was golfing with [[Stephen Hawking]], he's fucking shit. He lied about his handicap. Mind you, I never had to hire a golf buggy, I just sat in his lap.
:'''Steve:''' Please. Why do we have to be like this? All this negative energy. Come on! 
:'''Malcolm:''' What?
:'''Steve:''' Well, we've got to work together. So, you know...
:'''Malcolm:''' So what? I mean, that doesn't mean we have to like each other, does it? 
:'''Steve:''' No, I mean...
:''(Someone's trying to get past Malcolm and Steve.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the passer-by)'' Sorry. (He politely lets him pass through.) 
:'''Steve:''' We both know we don't like each other, everyone knows that, we are the Gallagher brothers of politics.
:'''Malcolm:''' How does that work? Does that mean that I'm [[Noel Gallagher|the semi-talented songwriter]] and you're [[Liam Gallagher|the fucking loutish prick]]? That's a lovely analogy.
:'''Steve:''' You were the one who forced me out of the sodding band. ''(chuckles)'' Come on, let's have a chat.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Steve continue their unfriendly chat in an office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You were asked to leave the fucking band. And you wouldn't fucking go, would you? You had to hang on in there, like a [[wikipedia:Limpet|limpet]] up a whale's arse.
:'''Steve:''' Why do you thrive so much on being disliked?
:'''Malcolm:''' People hate me? Good! Bring it on. Do you know what they say about you?
:'''Steve:''' I'm sure you're going to tell me, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you ''exactly'' what people think about you!
:'''Steve:''' All right, go on then!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Fuck-all!!''
:'''Steve:''' Oh, do they? ''FUCK-ALL?''
:'''Malcolm:''' People have ''no'' fucking opinion about you! You're like fucking [[wikipedia:Special K|Special K]] or fucking the Moody Blues. That's you, fucking white noise in the background—Funny? Is that funny? Do you find that funny?
:'''Steve:''' No, I don't find anything you're saying funny whatsoever. And I'll tell you a home truth, Malcolm Tucker: The people who are really hated in this country, the people who are really hated, are us. This government. How about we stand together? Let's both be team players, shall we? 
:''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone beeps.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Were you the Einstein that OK'd this fucking Andy Murray thing at DoSAC? Because I've got ''The Telegraph'' on here. (Steve's cell phone then beeps.) And you've probably got ''The Times'' asking why the budget's been pre-announced on Twitter by fucking Ryan Giggs. 
:'''Steve:''' (looking at his cell phone) Shit! &quot;The last quarter's crime stats, which DoSAC have published, are unconfirmed projections.&quot; Shit! 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's DoSAC for you. 
:'''Steve:''' Come on, Malcolm. Team players!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Bring me sunshine.
:''(Both men leave the office.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at DoSAC, Glenn, Ollie &amp; Terri are on their desk phones, trying to get a better handle on the news of the moment.)''
:'''Glenn:''' (on his phone) No, we're not manipulating the figures. Somebody quite simply made a mistake. No. No, I couldn't possibly say who. 
:'''Ollie:''' (on his phone) Glenn Cullen. Glenn with one, one N. 
:'''Terri:''' (on her phone) We have actually decided to go in a different direction from Andy. 
:''(Steve and Malcolm have entered the room, both making a beeline for Nicola's office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Good holiday? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you fucking hairdresser. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Got any photos? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got a photo of you in a minute with your cock nailed to the desk. Hey, you want to see something that's truly worth photographing? Look at Steve Fleming at work, eh? That's the real master of spin. He's [[wikipedia:Jimi Hendrix|Spinny fucking Hendrix]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Steve &amp; Malcolm are confronting Nicola in her office...much to Nicola's dismay...)''
:'''Steve:''' Nicola, you and your department have screwed up!
:'''Malcolm''' ''(entering)'': I'd like to agree with the previous speaker, only adding the words 'fucking royally'.
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Jesus, am I being gang-bollocked?
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's [[wikipedia:Tim_Henman|Henman]]-fisting us in the press. We can't have that –
:'''Steve:''' Well, with undue respect, Malcolm, the crime stats cock-up is a much bigger deal.
:'''Nicola:''' This is such a great double act, isn't it? Good Cock, Bad Cock!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you what, why don't you go first, mate? I need a wazz. ''(leaves)''
:'''Steve:''' I like you, Nicola, I quite like you. But darling, I've gotta ask you, what the bloody hell happened?
:'''Nicola:''' Like you asked, we published the crime figures from 2004 up to the last quarter.
:'''Steve:''' Yes, up to the last quarter but not up to and ''INCLUDING the last quarter, you dozy mare!''
:'''Nicola:''' 'Up to' includes the thing you're going up to. Right? If you say count up to 20, it means count up to ''and include'' the number 20!
:'''Steve:''' The events leading up to the Second World War do ''not'' include the Second World War!
:'''Nicola:''' We haven't got time for a semantic argument about this.
:''(Malcolm returns.)''
:'''Steve:''' Listen, sweetheart –
:'''Nicola:''' ''Do not'' fucking call me sweetheart!
:'''Malcolm:''' I think you'll find that Steve was addressing me: the 'tache is a bit of a giveaway.
:'''Steve:''' I will draft a statement.
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking will not draft any fucking statement!
:'''Steve:''' I've been minding the shop!
:'''Malcolm:''' You were fucking minding the shop, and what happened? A bunch of fucking schoolkids came in and fucking dropped their trousers and fucking had a shit in aisle 5!
:'''Steve:''' Well thank you for giving us a guided tour around the Freudian nightmare of your head!
:'''Nicola:''' Could you two decide between you in which order, and from which direction, I'm gonna be shafted?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Steve are playing a &quot;Tug of War&quot; of sorts for Nicola's attention.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ignore him. Just come with me. Come into my office. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Let's deal with the crime stats...
:''(But Malcolm successfully brings Nicola into his &quot;office...&quot; and shuts Steve out.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' (knocking on the door) Come on. Malcolm. Malcolm. MALCOLM! (Steve starts laughing uncomfortably) Sorry about this, everybody. 
:''(Malcolm is happy to shut out Steve, but he's still visibly annoyed.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Goodbye. Give my regards to the rest of the fucking Village People. 
:''(But then, Terri knocks on the office door.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' (outside the door) Sorry, Nicola, Mal--um, excuse me. It's Andy Murray. He's-he's insisting on talking to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Talk to him. 
:'''Nicola:''' What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get him back on board. Fucking talk to him. 
:'''Nicola:''' NO! 
:'''Malcolm:''' (whispering) Yes. 
:'''Nicola:''' You cannot be serious! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Was that an attempt at a joke? 
:'''Nicola:''' You told me to kill it! I've killed it!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right now, some photos in the papers of a very boring man with tight white shorts on is gonna be a very pleasant distraction from Steve's fucking crime stats abortion. 
:'''Nicola:''' If we need a fucking celebrity, can we try somebody else? Steve Redgrave. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a boring fuck! 
:'''Nicola:''' Lewis Hamilton. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fucking boring, boring fuck. And fucking drives a car. 
:'''Nicola:''' Chris Boardman. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fucking cyclist! Are you fucking mental? ''Everybody'' hates cyclists! Even fucking cyclists hate fucking cyclists! Plus, ''he's'' a boring fuck! 
:'''Nicola:''' I cannot...
:'''Terri:''' (''still'' outside the office) Paula Radcliffe? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, she shat in the street! 
:'''Malcolm:''' And she's a boring fuck as well. 
:'''Nicola:''' How about we just launch the policy without a celebrity? 
:'''Malcolm:''' (sarcastically) Oh, great idea. &quot;Hello, there. Hi, everyone. I, Nicola Murray, would like to say to you that even though you don't fucking know me from fucking Adam, I think you should cut down on carbs.&quot; 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Steve is trying to turn a negative into a positive. He wants to get Glenn and Ollie to fix the crime stats crisis.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Lads, let's get this crime stats cock-up sorted. What have you both got so far? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, actually, now we've been trying to think of a replacement for Andy Murray. Some of the women footballers...uh, Jessica Clark, or Sue Smith. Or Faye White. 
:''(Steve's starts smiling, but he's getting annoyed.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' I ''cannot believe'' the energy going into Andy Murray! (Starts laughing again) I can't! 
:''(Steve starts leaving DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What's his problem.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is talking on his cell phone while heading to his office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Just try and wrap your gin-addled brain about this, right? I ''did'' say I was at the heart of government. But when...
:''(Steve Fleming is already in Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (on his phone) Excuse me. 
:'''Steve:''' I need to talk to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Steve)'' One second, please. ''(back to his phone)'' Listen, when that...When that incident occurred, I was on holiday. Are you saying to me that my wee caravan's a great fucking waste of time? And my stupid fucking wing mirror extensions? 
:'''Steve:''' (pointing to the TV) The crime stats and Andy Murray, Malc. It's a double fault. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering a knock at his door)'' Listen, if you are not a prostitute or a pizza guy, fuck off! ''(to Steve)'' Steve, listen, could you eat or fuck whatever's at the door on your fucking way out, please? ''(to a colleague)'' No thanks. ''(back on his phone)'' How can I be held responsible? What, for what? I've created a what around the government? I've created a vibe? Listen, son, the only fucking vibe you have to worry about is the one that your wife hides in her knicker drawer. ''(back to Steve)'' I am on top of this, okay? 
:'''Steve:''' Oh, fine, fine. You know, I'm just saying I'll gladly lend you a hand if you feel the need to keep your head down. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't need to keep my head down, because unlike yourself, I don't give blowjobs to truckers. 
:''(Another knock at Malcolm's office door...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I SAID FUCK OFF! 
:''(The door opens, and -- SURPRISE! It's Julius Nicholson!)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's Lord Nicholson! What an enormous pleasure this is! 
:'''Julius:''' (with a big smile) Well, in fact, it's, um, the Right Honorable the Lord Nicholson of Arnage. And the kissing of feet may commence! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You got all your stuff ready for your official lording ceremony? Have you got your mink thong and your ermine colostomy bag? 
:'''Julius:''' No, I don't, no. I have to hire that, unfortunately. I can't wear it on the Tube or the bus, but I would. It would be great larks, but there we go. 
:'''Steve:''' How about a coffee? Coffee? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, um, if there's coffee going, I'd never say no to a nice cup of coffee. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you not drink coffee anymore? Is it all port and swan's blood these days? 
:'''Julius:''' Swan's blood. That does sound nice. No, I'm just sort of passing through, because obviously we need to start booting up this crime stats inquiry. But it's in effect an investigation into the facts. But I thought since I was passing through...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but you don't have to talk to me about that, do you? 'Cause I was on my holidays then. Did you get my postcard? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, I will speak to whomsoever I need to speak to, holiday or no holiday? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Where did you learn to speak like that? Is there a special school that's just you and Brian Sewell went to? 
:'''Julius:''' I'm gonna leave you to it, frankly. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So soon? 
:'''Steve:''' And I'm gonna make tracks as well, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, good to see you both. 
:''(But just before Steve leaves...)''
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm, softly)'' The problem is that you are shifting from the man people love to hate to the man people just hate. From [[wikipedia:Simon Cowell|Simon Cowell]] to [[wikipedia:Piers Morgan|Piers Morgan]]. 
:'''Malcolm:''' See you later, and remember, my door's always open. 
:''(And when Steve leaves, Malcolm throws part of the bagel sandwich he was eating onto the door in disgust.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Ollie are reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I had no idea, no idea that it was Malcolm who drafted Fleming's resignation letter in 2003.
:'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of [[The Economist]].
:'''Ollie:''' Hey! There's a reference to you here, Cullen.
:'''Glenn:''' Where?
:'''Ollie:''' 'Alleged to have assaulted an elderly aide at a party conference.'
:'''Glenn:''' Elderly aide?
:'''Ollie:''' Elderly aide.
:'''Glenn:''' God, that makes me sound like a fucking stairlift!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm sees Nicola outside his office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, [[wikipedia:Dora the Explorer|Dora the Explorer]].
:'''Nicola:''' (sighing) Still here, then, Malcolm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Time for a milky drink? Come on. Come on in. I wanna have a word with you.
:''(Nicola reluctantly comes into Malcolm's office...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go. How was Cabinet? Was it good? Is Tom looking after you? 
:'''Nicola:''' You're all over the newspapers like a pissing puppy, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think you'll find that's what we masters of the dark arts call a blip. Tomorrow that will all be old news. It'll be like the fucking [[wikipedia:The War of the Roses|War of the Roses]]. Or [[wikipedia:AIDS|AIDS]]. Remember AIDS? Listen, Nicola, see that? Did Julius mention to you about his inquiry? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' The inquiry into the whole fucking crime stats cock-up? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know the phone call that came through to me from your office? You know, about the whole idea? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It didn't happen, right? 
:'''Nicola:''' You want me to cover your back?
:'''Malcolm:''' I want you to get the old inquiry screen out and slap it on, fucking factor 50, why not? Listen, I'll tell you what. This is what I'll do. I will get for you some really good press attention for your fucking Healthy Choices nonsense. How about that? I'll get you some big fucking healthy headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' You're in no position to give me anything. You're not -- you can't even get a fucking bagel cleaned up off your door. Do you mind? 
:''(Nicola gets ready to leave Malcolm's office, but he's still trying to talk to her.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? Do you think I can't get it up anymore? Is that it? You're looking at fucking Lazarus, sweetheart. And not just plain Lazarus. I'm fucking self-raising Lazarus, right? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm has organised positive press coverage of DoSAC's Healthy Lifestyles policy)''
:'''Glenn:''' Well done Malcolm.
:'''Ollie:''' He's very impressive, isn't he? In the way that, you know, [[Mao Zedong|Chairman Mao]] was actually quite impressive.
:'''Glenn:''' Well that's the thing about the evil, isn't it, their amazing work ethic.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' How are the hacks?
:'''Steve:''' Ready to eat their own cocks.
:'''Malcolm:''' They're only journalists, Steve, not fucking [[wikipedia:Rangers_F.C.|Rangers]] supporters.
:'''Steve:''' I know they are.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, I need 10 minutes. I need to google some jokes about Andy Murray. 
:'''Steve:''' Shall I go first?
:'''Malcolm:''' Warm them up. Tell them [[wikipedia:Laurence Olivier|Olivier]] is on his way, but in the meantime, here's an audience with [[wikipedia:Peter Bowles|Peter fucking Bowles]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(A short time later, Malcolm spots Julius again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is. Screaming Lord Crutch. I like the flunkies, by the way. That's a very nice touch. It's a wee bit [[wikipedia:Graham Norton|Graham Norton]]. 
:'''Julius:''' Don't needle me, Malcolm. Not when people are under scrutiny.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' under scrutiny? 
:'''Julius:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm fucking Nosferatu. That's really fucking scary. 
:'''Julius:''' (unimpressed) I'm walking on. We're moving on. I'm Ian Botham. I'm walking on for hospice care. 
:''(And then, Malcolm sees Nicola...and he sneaks over to her when nobody's looking.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' How's it going with Lord Bonnie Longford? 
:'''Nicola:''' I've not been in yet. I've just been standing here for 20 minutes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So IF this phone call does come up...
:'''Julius''' (Seeing what Malcolm's up to) No! No, that's not...
:'''Nicola:''' You're nothing if not persistent, are you, Malcolm? 
:''(Julius breaks up the conversation.)''
:'''Julius:''' Don't do that! I made it quite clear... 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' I was standing over there and I thought, &quot;Nicola's choking.&quot; But she wasn't. She was laughing, retrospectively, at your massive shiny head. ''(to Steve)'' Oh, what happened? Did you get heckled off? What was the line? &quot;Taxi for [[Tom Selleck]]!&quot;
:'''Steve:''' Yeah. Could I have a quick word? Just...just five minutes. 
:''(Steve takes Malcolm into the office to have a private chat.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' So, Malcolm, mate. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What is it? What's...What's the problem? You look like you fucking coughed up your own twin. 
:''(An awkward silence...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, no...I need to talk to Tom. 
:'''Steve:''' No, Tom isn't immediately available to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. 
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm, the Prime Minister respects you enormously. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (on his cell phone) Sam, get a hold of Pat, right...
:''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone shuts off.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Actually, I'm gonna need that. That's an official Blackberry. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (answering a door knock) Fuck off! 
:''(Julius enters the office.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right. Your five minutes starts now. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Julius)'' This is an acutely private moment, Julius. Would it seem terribly rude if I asked you to ''shit off'' for five minutes? 
:'''Julius:''' Yes, it would. 
:''(And now, Nicola enters the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Can you fuck off as well? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius, what -- ''(to Malcolm)'' Sorry, excuse me? ''(back to Julius)'' Julius, what is the deal? 
:'''Julius:''' At ''the moment'', Malcolm is getting ''The Sack.'' 
:'''Nicola:''' (stunned) Shit. Now? Literally? I mean, in -- I'm actually in the sacking? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Yeah, well, let's see what the fucking Prime Minister has to say about that! Huh? Let's see what he has to say! 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Listen to me a minute! The Prime Minister supports you fully in whatever you decide to do next. 
:''(Steve presents Malcolm with a pen and paper, in effect asking for his resignation.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You. Fucking Nicola. Right, tell them. Fucking tell them that there was no fucking phone call. ''(beat)'' Speak! I fucking ask you, speak! Open Sesame! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not, I'm not here, Malcolm. I'm not...
:'''Malcolm:''' You are fucking here! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not seeing this. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Open your fucking mouth for once and say something!
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not getting involved. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking speak! You've always fucking got something to say! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm only a Cabinet Minister! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off, then! 
:''(Nicola runs out of Number 10.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Malc, Malc –
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking touch me!
:'''Steve:''' Come on, Malc!
:'''Malcolm:''' You cannot fuck me! You cannot fuck me! I am unfuckable! I have never been fucked! And if you fucking try and fuck me, you'll find my fucking arse will fucking grow fucking fangs! 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah, all right, now come and listen to me! Will you listen to me –  
:'''Malcolm:''' And fucking snap your fucking cock off –
:'''Steve:''' MALCOLM TUCKER, WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME?!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead. Yeah, let's hear it, let's hear it.
:'''Steve:''' Listen to me for one second.
:'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead.
:'''Steve:''' I wouldn't tell ''you'' what I've just told you ''before'' I'd told the press pack, would I? That would be very very unprofessional. So there's no point in getting angry because the show's over. It's curtains. No curtain call. Everyone ''loved'' the show, but it just wasn't ''buttering'' any ''parsnips'' ANYMORE, BROTHER!
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. You don't have the fucking balls, apart from that great inflated fucking ball on the fucking end of your fucking neck. 
:'''Steve:''' (looking at the TV behind Malcolm) Ooh, look. Oh...
:''(Malcolm's resignation is now the big story on BBC News.)''
:'''Steve:''' (whispering softly) &quot;Malcolm Tucker resigns...&quot; Looks pretty factual to me. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck this. Fuck this. Fuck you all. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is now chasing himself into Steve's office!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get back to fucking ''[[wikipedia:The Wind in the Willows|Wind in the Willows]]'', 'cause that's where you fucking belong! 
:'''Steve:''' I didn't ask you to -- I didn't ask you to come back in. Would you leave my office, please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not fucking gonna waste my breath on you. 
:''(And now, Malcolm is marching his way towards Julius! Yelling and cursing along the way!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' As for you... 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I am sick to death -- You can explain --
:''(Malcolm puts his hands on Julius and pins him up against a door!)'' 
:'''Julius:''' Don't TOUCH me, Malcolm! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking touch you if I like! 
:'''Julius:''' Because I'll tell you this, man! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You'll tell me WHAT? 
:'''Julius:''' YOU shafted me, boy! 
:''(Julius fights back and puts his hand on Malcolm!)'' 
:'''Julius:''' I'll fucking strike you, Malcolm! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't you fucking touch me! 
:'''Julius:''' I warn you! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't touch that scarf! That's Paul Smith! Twat! ''(to somebody else)'' MOVE! 
:''(Malcolm is finally leaving Good Ol' Number 10.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' YOU WILL SEE ME AGAIN! (Malcolm heads towards the door.) You will fucking see me again! ''(He leaves Number 10.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Marianne Swift:''' So all this is homemade, is it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it is! Look, I mean, this is going to be like [[wikipedia:Jamie_at_Home|Jamie at Home]], right, except I'm not going to be bouncing around spouting Cockney drivel out of my fat, lisping, ox face.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(thinking about options other than Andy Murray for the Healthy Eating launch)''
:'''Terri:''' What about [[wikipedia:Lynda_Bellingham|Lynda Bellingham]]?
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, that'd be convincing, 'Eat less salt', says [[wikipedia:Oxo_(food)#Marketing|the dancing Oxo lady]], good idea. No one from [[wikipedia:Calendar_Girls_(play)|the stage show of Calendar Girls]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(Reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers)''  
:'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of The Economist.
:'''Ollie:''' That's right, Glenn, you'll have to hold my hand through this complicated world: some of us weren't up the Acropolis the day that you and [[Roy Jenkins]] invented democracy.
:'''Terri:''' Oh my God. Did you know that he'd been some kind of womaniser?
:'''Ollie:''' You wanna check the Sun, they've got a woman who claims he womanised her three times in a day at the gazebo at Chequers. Front, back, and in the gallery, as I understand it.

==Series 3, Episode 8==
:''(At DoSAC, Glenn and Ollie can't get over Malcolm Tucker's resignation.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' You know, I just can't quite believe this. I mean, this is the single most shocking thing I've seen in politics since the SDP. I thought he'd at least go out with a bang or a killing spree. 
:'''Ollie:''' I always imagined he'd just shout so hard his lungs would come up and choke him to death. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Over at Opposition HQ, however, Malcolm's departure is being celebrated by Peter Mannion and his team.)''
:'''Peter:''' End of an era! 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, a really shit era though, isn't it? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(cheering)'' WHOO! 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, f-- Calm down! 
:'''Phil:''' Balrog's dead! I mean, that's it. I mean, they're done. I mean, no one can replace him. It's like when Queen lost [[wikipedia:Freddie Mercury|Freddie]]. You know. Certainly not [[wikipedia:Paul Rodgers|Paul Rodgers]]. 
:''(Stewart Pearson, however, wants no part of the festivities. He wants everyone to get back to business.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' All right, everyone. That's the two seconds of respect due to him. Now get back to your desks and do something, okay? ''(to a female worker)'' Not the sofa! Who are you, Lorraine Kelly? Get out here and do something! If you've nothing to do, leave, because you're clearly surplus to requirements! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve is at DoSAC, trying to gently assure everyone that everything's alright.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Um, lads and lasses! ''(He laughs)'' Please, just a quick word. Thank you. Really, it's just a hand-hold to set the tone for a slightly re-jigged regime. I've done all the important departments, and now I've got to you. ''(He laughs again)'' Seriously, I've done that joke everywhere, but, uh, even with the genuinely big departments. So I'm not -- ''(imitating gun fire)'' -- aiming at you in any sort of a snide way. I'm just checking that we're all at the very top of our games. ''(Steve then looks at Glenn, who's looking at his cell phone.)'' Glenn, mate? 
:'''Glenn:''' Sorry.
:'''Steve:''' Are you on top of your game? 
:'''Glenn:''' I am -- I am ''above'' my game. I-I'm in a geo-stationary orbit, way above it, looking down and going, &quot;Hello, game, it's Glenn!&quot; 
:'''Steve:''' (laughing) Right! You know, there's an election looming. This is quite a serious time. We need to be aware of that. (Steve points in Glenn's direction, smiling) But I love humor, and that was good humor. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is at home with a man going through alternative career options.)'' 
:'''Man:''' Do you want to swim the Channel for [[wikipedia:Scope_(charity)|Scope]]?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No!  
:'''Man:''' Do you want to do ''[[wikipedia:Dragons'_Den_(UK_TV_series)|Dragon's Den]]'' for ''[[wikipedia:Children_in_Need|Children in Need]]''?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I'd rather fuck a real dragon.  
:'''Man:''' Would you consider promoting a politically themed restaurant?  
:'''Malcolm:''' How does that – how does that even work? Oh fuck no, I don't care.  
:'''Man:''' Would you like to write a children's book, called 'The Angry Spider'?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' So, everything: Good. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, a bit of instability with Malcolm gone, a sort of sense of Post – you know, Psychotic Twats Disorder, but –  
:'''Steve:''' No no, listen, I understand, but you know, right now, you're all emerging from the cellar – pleased that the beatings have stopped - scared of what the future might hold, but long-term, I think we're all going to be okay. Pep talk, over! Return to your desks, and prepare for government.
:'''Ollie:''' We're in government.
:'''Steve:''' ''(smiling, but clearly annoyed)'' Well then, prepare to ''stay'' in government.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh right. How do we do that?
:'''Glenn:''' We pack an overnight bag.
:'''Steve:''' ''(apoplectic) Will you '''PLEASE, FUCKING WELL –''' (Steve immediately composes himself, and lets out a forced laugh)'' I'm sorry, I've lost my temper! Where is it? Where is it? Oh, no, I've found it again. It's alright.
:'''Ollie:''' Always in the last place you look, eh?
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Steve)'' So, can I...? 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Great. 
:'''Steve:''' Uh, actually, can I have a word with you, Nicky, please? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Nicola. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve wants to talk to Nicola in her office about the upcoming election...and he's standing a bit too close for her comfort.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' I just wanted to check. Obviously, Dan Miller's cabal is going house to house through the cabinet looking for numbskulls stupid enough to resign to trigger his elevation to the throne. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(nodding)'' Obviously. 
:'''Steve:''' What I need to know is are you solid? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, I am completely -- I am solid as, as the proverbial. As-as a rock. As a rock-hard...as a sailor's wang on shore leave. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(very pleased)'' Superb. You really are the potty mouth, aren't you? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, a lot to do. 
:''(After Steve leaves her office, Nicola calls out to Glenn &amp; Ollie.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Ollie, Glenn, in here now. Quick, quick, quick.
:''(Glenn approaches the office while taking off his glasses.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Glenn! Don't faff around with your glasses, I know you take them off every time you come in here. It's not impressive. ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What do we know about the anti-Tom cabal? Why have I not been contacted by them? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, um, uh...
:'''Ollie:''' Because it would be you...uh, you're seen very much as an individual around the, uh...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(embarrassed)'' That's bollocks, isn't it? It's 'cause I'm the girl at the party nobody wants to dance with. I'm the freak in the corner with a pint of cider and blackcurrant and the funny eye. 
:'''Ollie:''' No no. I-I mean, it's...You know, it a big, big Rolodex full of numbers. I'm sure...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to both Glenn &amp; Ollie)'' Thank you. You may go. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(stammering)'' We st-We still would like to dance with you. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Oh, fuck off. Go and put your glasses back on. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is watching the nightly TV news at home when, all of a sudden, his cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hello, Phillip Schofield, I fuck lobsters for money.
:''(Somebody is telling Malcolm something important.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Julius Nicholson is trying to persuade Malcolm Tucker to return as the two of them are sharing an Indian take-away meal.)''
:'''Julius:''' Take the rice first.
:'''Malcolm:''' Thank you.
:'''Julius:''' Um, I want you to be very clear, Malc, about why it is that I brought you in. Do you know what hat it is that I'm wearing?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is it your baldy swimming cap wig? 
:'''Julius:''' No, it is my government troubleshooter stetson, which is a long way from my homburg of sober inquiry. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know that I'm thinking of doing a television program? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, I had heard something on the grapevine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it's good. You know that program ''[[wikipedia:Civilisation|Civilisation]]'' with Kenneth Clarke? 
:'''Julius:''' Oh, yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's gonna be like that, except with fucking more quim, you know? It's me, Simon Schama and Alan Yentob in a cage, fucking lump hammer each, whacking the shit out of each other. The last man standing wins a fucking [[wikipedia:Ford Focus|Ford Focus]]. 
:'''Julius:''' The thing is, Malcolm, your departure has basically precipitated a call-to-arms, in effect. We have it on reasonably good authority that there are between three to four cabinet ministers who are disgruntled and are planning a mass resignation. And that means, very simply, a Dan Miller coronation. And as my nephew would say, &quot;This shit just got real.&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Your nephew? 
:'''Julius:''' Yeah, he's at Charterhouse. Only a day boy, not a boarder. Anyway, the fact is it has to be stopped. Um...There have been a number of ideas being tossed around. And one of them is...would you be prepared to come back? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Are you out of your tiny, shiny fucking mind? 
:'''Julius:''' Look, we can do this simply. 
:''(Julius picks up four colored pencils.)''
:'''Julius:''' Step 1: Are you interested? Of course you are. ''(Julius drops a pencil)'' Step 2: Will you come back? Yes? ''(He drops another pencil)'' Superb. Step 3, and this is the important step: Will you use your considerable influence to destroy the cabal? Can I drop it down? ''(Julius drops down that pencil, too)'' Fan-dabi-dozi! Step 4: It's party time. Let's tool up with basmati rice and...Wahey! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(rightfully confused)'' You're asking me -- to come back here and mop up the fucking splatter from my own assassination?  
:'''Julius:''' You know where the bodies are buried. And we'll just say you're coming back to advise, it's election strategy, it's not a day-to-day government business role.
:'''Malcolm:''' I can't come back again unless I know that I'm in the clear in your report.
:'''Julius:''' I'm not in a position to discuss that; not with my current hat on. However, would I be sat here now if the man in the other hat—which is also me—wasn't sure that everyone involved in this inquiry didn't come out relatively well?
:'''Malcolm:''' And what about Steve Fleming, yeah? You schizo hat fuck?
:'''Julius:''' Let me put it this way: You see this onion bhaji? Let us pretend for a minute that this onion bhaji is the problems that would be caused by a report that criticised you or Steve Fleming. Hmm? Watch. ''(Julius takes a bite of the bhaji.)'' You see what I’m doing? I’m eating.. the onion bhaji. ''(He eats the rest of the bhaji.)'' Why? Because I am the man that makes the bhaji go away.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve approaches Julius while he's feeding ducks)''
:'''Steve:''' The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain.
:'''Julius:''' Well, actually, that is a popular misconception because what happens is the rain falls just before the mountain ridge, but they wouldn't want you to know that because it would spoil the rhyme.
:'''Steve:''' Julius, what's up, Boo Boo? ''(both laugh)''
:'''Julius:''' Not much, I'm just feeding some victuals to these poor old ducks. That red-crested pochard there is positively ''hoggish'' with this Hovis.
:'''Steve:''' I heard certain rumblings that I don't come out terribly well in this report of yours. Off the record, matey, am I fucked? 
:'''Julius:''' Off the record, and this is strictly between you, me and that ornamental gatepost over there, of course; the report is strictly confidential until publication. Haha, do you see what I've done there? The bald man has done a funny.
:'''Steve:''' It's not funny. No, it's not funny at all, Julius.
:'''Julius:''' ''(continuing to laugh)'' I beg to differ. I think I'm on sparkling form.
:'''Steve:''' ''For '''fuck's''' sake!'' You ''FUCKING... Pontius'' Pilate, with the emphasis on '''''PONCE!'''''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' ''(reading a headline about Steve and Julius on'' Times Online'')'' 'Care to do another draft, Sir Whitewash?' 
:'''Ollie:''' What have ''The Mirror'' got?  
:'''Terri:''' 'Give us the bald facts?' Oh it's very rude that, isn't it: I was always taught never to make personal remarks about people.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' OK, listen up everybody, that was Gavin over at Number 10. He reckons that Steve Fleming has just joined the cabal. 
:'''Everyone:''' Ooh!  
:'''Terri:''' That's a complete disaster, there'll be nothing else on television for weeks.  
:'''Ollie:''' Where's Malcolm? Where's the dark knight in all this?  
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm will have grabbed his false passport by now, he'll be on a plane to Brazil, and he's about to spend the rest of his days being [[wikipedia:Marathon_Man_(film)|the world's scariest dentist]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. You all right? You've got that 'cock in the cookie jar' look. 
:'''Ollie:''' He's back.  
:'''Nicola:''' Who? Barrymore?  
:'''Ollie:''' No.  
:'''Nicola:''' Clement Attlee? ''(realises)'' Oh fuck!  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. God, he's gonna kill me. I was there when he was being sacked and he asked me for help, and I held out and now he's gonna want revenge isn't he? Fuck, fuck, fuck, it's gonna be like 'Kill Bill' or 'Get Carter', only it's gonna be 'Get and kill Nicola and then get Carter and Bill to fucking kill her too'!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey Nicola! How are you doing?  
:'''Nicola:''' You're back. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah I'm just, you know, tying up a few loose ends.  
:'''Nicola:''' With which you're going to plait some kind of garotte and strangle me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Forgive and forget. That's my motto.  
:'''Nicola:''' I thought your motto was '[[wikipedia:Who_Dares_Wins|Who fucks wins]]' or '[[wikipedia:Honi_soit_qui_mal_y_pense|Honi soit qui Malc y fuck]]'.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got a lot of mottos. Don't take that job, Nicola.  
:'''Nicola:''' God, Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' The anti-Tom brigade are just waiting for the first piece to fall. If you resign, it's political fucking Jenga. You will cause a landslide that will ''bury'' this Government. And you'll keep the party in opposition until Daniel Radcliffe is advertising walk-in baths in the fucking [[wikipedia:The_People's_Friend|People's Friend]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julius:''' You...
:'''Malcolm:''' Julius!
:'''Julius:''' ...are a naughty bastard!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(Holding up Julius' report)'' Best thing I've read all year. It's the only thing, mind you.
:'''Julius:''' You've done some pretty awful things to me in my time, but this takes the bloody biscuit. And you've pissed on that biscuit and I've got to eat it. Well, here's the news, Malcolm, I will not eat the pissy biscuit!
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, no pissy biscuits. ''(to Julius)'' What are you going on about, Julius? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you off to clear your desk, Steve? Don't forget your lucky [[wikipedia:Gonk|gonk]], and your &quot;World's Shittiest Dad&quot; mug.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' I'm going to resign from the Cabinet. And then, I'm going to join Dan Miller's team. ''(beat)'' I think we need a new leader. ''(walks off)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(following)'' Steve!
:'''Steve:''' Oh, no, no, no!
:'''Malcolm:''' Steve, don't you ever take up fucking poker, 'cause you're a crap liar.
:'''Steve:''' I am gonna join Dan Miller's team and then we are gonna take you down; we are gonna take you down to funky town! ''Funky Town Centre, here you come!'' ''CHOO FUCKING CHOO!''
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this what you're threatening me with, fucking disco lights and a fucking choo-choo train? You're a joke, Steve!
:'''Steve:''' ''(laughing)'' There's nothing you can do!
:'''Malcolm:''' Steve!
:'''Steve:''' Yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' There's ''one'' thing I can do!
:'''Steve:''' What are you gonna do?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, wouldn't you like to know!
:'''Steve:''' Who are you gonna meet? Who's your meeting with?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking off)'' Bye-bye!
:'''Steve:''' ''I'M NOT FUCKING WORRIED, MATE!'' ''(walks down the corridor)'' Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' All right now, listen up, my children of a lesser god, you will find a file marked 'Snap Election Drill' on the J drive. And if you don't know how to access the J drive, hand your pass in at reception, go and buy some silver body paint, and pretend to be a robot on the [[wikipedia:South_Bank|South Bank]]. Fly my pretties, fly!
:''(Suddenly, Phil's cell phone rings.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart! Stewart, The Fucker's downstairs.
:'''Stewart:''' No, no, no. He's not downstairs, but if he were, I'd know about it, and if I knew about it, I would have vetoed it. Okay? 
:'''Emma:''' He is, and he is complete poison.
:'''Peter:''' Ah, The Fucker! ''(to Stewart)'' And you thought he was just a myth created to frighten naughty MPs into eating all their truffles and swan.
:'''Stewart:''' Watch my lips. Cal Richards is not here. 
:''(But Cal Richards IS there...and he's headed their way.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Cal! 
:'''Cal Richards:''' Hello. 
:'''Stewart:''' Hi. 
:'''Cal:''' Hi, Stewart. 
:'''Stewart:''' Good to see you. I didn't know about this. JB didn't say anything. 
:'''Cal:''' Hello, everyone. I just wanted it to be a surprise. 
:''(Cal shakes hands with Peter, Phil and Emma while he's talking to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, why are you...why are you here? 
:'''Cal:''' Well, mate, I just thought I'd check in with the intellectual powerhouse of the party. That's all. That's why I'm here. 
:'''Stewart:''' Right. Well, if you want to step in the office, yeah, I'll dismiss the children and we can talk. 
:'''Cal:''' No. 'Cause I'm kidding, aren't I? No, because I've come here to tell you that you're fucking sacked. 
:'''Peter:''' (thrilled) Halle-bloody-lujah! 
:''(A look of doom comes over Stewart's face...)''
:'''Phil:''' Should I escort Stewart from the building, then, Cal?
:'''Emma:''' Philip, Don't be such a fucking turncoat.
:'''Cal:''' Yes, Philip, excellent idea. And while you're there, could you do me another favour, please? Could you find a hostel, go there, and take a fucking overdose of barbiturates?
:''(Emma chuckles at Cal's request.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, right. Okay, well, I'm not fired. You can't fire me, Cal, so shall we just cut to the chase? Hmm? 
:'''Cal:''' (pretending to talk like a baby) &quot;Aw, you can't fire me, Cal, 'cause you're...&quot; Gotcha! I'm kidding. Of course you're not fired. Look at your face.
:'''Stewart:''' (smiling, but not amused) Funny. 
:'''Peter:''' I'm sensing a change in management styles here from touchy-feely to smashy-testes.
:'''Cal:''' No, okay, joking aside, I'm just an impartial observer. Quite partial, obviously. So, uh, take it away, [[wikipedia:Captain Mainwaring|Captain Mainwaring]]. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the crowd)'' All right, folks, listen up. We have three key targets when we are smart-bombing our beloved PM and they are: The deficit, unemployment, lack of leadership. Get onto the J drive, you'll find key...
:''(And then suddenly -- Cal EXPLODES!)'' 
:'''Cal:''' ''FUCK, THAT IS BRILLIANT!!'' THAT IS INSPIRED! WHAT SAUCE! GET IN! [[wikipedia:It's_the_economy,_stupid|IT'S THE ''ECONOMY'', STEWPOT]]! Fuck, what I REALLY need to do is to shoot you all in the back of the head! ''(imitating a gun)'' FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! But I can't, because it's illegal!
:''(Then, Cal calms back down again.)'' 
:'''Cal:''' Okay, I'd like a small cappuccino, two extra shots, please. I think we've got a long night ahead of us. ''(to Stewart)'' Come on! 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Cal)'' I'm coming. ''(to Peter)'' Better the devil you know, huh? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''' ''(on the phone)'': I think we're just playing it in the wrong key. It's when we go, ''(sings at a low pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue' – 
:'''Nicola:''' What's she talking about?  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh. She's putting on her annual production of ''[[wikipedia:Joseph_and_the_Amazing_Technicolor_Dreamcoat|Joseph]]'', in Hemel Hempstead. She doesn't license it ever because she considers ''Joseph'' to be public domain.  
:'''Terri:''' But I need to just pitch it a little higher. More like, ''(sings at a much higher pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue and green' –  
:'''Glenn:''' She's directing it. And starring.  
:'''Ollie:''' As Jacob.  
:'''Nicola:''' With a beard?  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, one assumes with a beard. Maybe she'll just let herself go for a couple of weeks, see what happens.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker and Cal Richards are giving pre-election pep talks to their respective parties)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I know what people say to you, right? They say: 'We hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.' Everybody hates you. So fucking what? Some people, they just fucking love to hate. Some people, they'd fucking walk around the fucking Garden of Eden fucking moaning about the lack of fucking mobile reception. These are the kind of fucks who watched ''Mandela'' – fucking Nelson Mandela – walk to freedom, and said 'Is ''[[wikipedia:Diagnosis:_Murder|Diagnosis: Murder]]'' not on the other side?' So we fucking forget about them.  
:'''Cal:''' This government has run this country into the ground. This used to be a [[wikipedia:And_did_those_feet_in_ancient_time#&quot;Green_and_pleasant_Land&quot;|green and pleasant land]], now it's the colour of the fucking BBC Weather map. It looks like anaemic dogshit.  
:'''Malcolm:''' JB, Cal Richards, and their ''hordes'' of fucking robots, they're coming over the hill, towards us! And all you have got to do is this: bend down, pick up any fucking weapon you can, and ''twat'' the fuckery out of them –  
:'''Cal:''' This government is maimed, but it can't be shamed. It will. Be. FUCKED!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's get out there, and let's fucking kill them, LET'S SET FIRE TO TEARS! Let's go! ''(all applaud and cheer)'' Come on! Let's go, yes!  
:'''Cal:''' OK, let's get going.  
:'''Phil''' ''(to Emma)'': What do we do?  
:'''Cal:''' ''(on an office phone)'' What do I call for an outside line?  
:'''Emma:''' That was great, wasn't it?  
:'''Phil:''' What do we do?  
:'''Cal:''' Is it 9, 'cause that's what it is everywhere else?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cal:''' ''(to an anonymous Opposition member of staff)'' Stop saying &quot;Abingdon&quot; to me, I want a fucking chocolate biscuit!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, for the first time in a decade, I can feel the old dog twitching to life.  
:'''Phil''' ''(Chinese accent)'': 'So sorry me! This election give me an erection.'  
:'''Peter:''' The old dog I was referring to was me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(All DoSAC staff are leaving because of the election)''
:'''Terri:''' See you, Nicola! ''(to herself)'' Or not.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Is this good, all this panic? I haven't seen ''[[Snakes on a Plane]]'', but I imagine this is pretty much how people would react on finding their plane was brimming with snakes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Except Malcolm is the snakes, isn't he? I mean, this is more ''Snakes Not on a Plane''.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(walking into Steve's office)'': Steve! Look! I've made an unexpected comeback. Like [[wikipedia:Noel_Edmonds|Noel Edmonds]] or secondary cancer.  
:'''Steve Fleming:''' Don't get any ideas, Malcolm. I can cut you loose any time I like; I can toss you aside like an unwanted [[wikipedia:Panettone|panettone]], which, I warn you, is ''most'' panettones.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Cal Richards''' ''(giving his pre-election pep talk)'': Remember, this government is like going out with Madonna: at first you think, 'Result'; now we wake up every morning to see an increasingly crazed, craggy-faced egomaniac who jumps on every fucking passing bandwagon.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Terri''' ''(leaving an answerphone message)'': If you have any political enquiries, at any time, 24 hours a day, Oliver Reeder and Glenn Cullen will take –
:'''Ollie:''' 24 hours a day? Fuck off. No, we're political advisors, we're not fucking prostitutes.  
:'''Terri:''' Well, you've spoilt it now.

==Series 4, Episode 1==
:''(At the start of this episode, Peter Mannion is headed to the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. He is talking on his cell phone to his wife. Today's their wedding anniversary.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' No, of course I know it's our anniversary. What do you think the card was for? ''(Peter's wife said something to him.)'' I left it on the kitchen table. 
:''(Peter's wife may not have seen the card.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, right. My bad, as they say.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Terri:''' You're a very tidy man, aren't you?
:'''Phil:''' 'There's no happiness without order.' It's a Nazi quote, but nonetheless stands the test of time.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(We now find out that Peter has a partner at DoSAC in the &quot;Coalition Government.&quot;)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(still on his cell phone with his wife.)'' Well, I can't leave before my Coalition partner. Fergus, I told you. (And now, poor Peter's cranky.) Well, I say partner. He's Lewis, I'm Morse.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Peter's partner at DoSAC is Junior MP Fergus Williams. Fergus and his advisor, Adam Kenyon, are proudly getting ready to launch a policy they created, called Silicon Playgrounds.)''
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' I hate to ask, but I've got to ask. Are you ready for today, Fergus? 
:'''Fergus Williams:''' Yeah. Somewhat. 
:'''Adam:''' Silicon Playgrounds are -- is -- go. 
:'''Fergus:''' I just hope Mannion can keep his baccy-stained fingers out of it. 
:'''Adam:''' Don't worry about Mannion. He's allergic to the 21st century. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, he didn't like the 20th much and the 19th makes him fart papyrus. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;   
:'''Peter:''' ''(STILL on the phone with his wife...)'' Well, we could celebrate it another time. I mean, technically, and thrillingly, it'll be our anniversary all year! ''(Suddenly, Peter sees the rest of the team coming.)'' Oh, sorry darling, I've gotta go, I think the bailiffs are coming to take away my will to live.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Peter, Fergus, Adam, Phil and Terri join Emma and Stewart in the Meeting Room to discuss Silicon Playgrounds.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, folks, today's headline in Copperplate Gothic Bold, font 72, is: Emma and I broke the fast this a.m. with the PM. 
:'''Emma:''' And it is a massive yes. So our Silicon Playground initiative is going to be the standard bearer for the Networked Nation. It is a double, double win. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yes, a double win for both babies of the Coalition, yeah? 
:'''Emma:''' Absolutely. 
:'''Stewart:''' (happily) It's &quot;win squared!&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Terrific. Right, shall we do a Mexican wave round the table? 
:'''Fergus:''' From my P.O.V., re all this, big hurrah. We're ready to upload, i.e. let's launch the fucker. 
:'''Stewart:''' Great, I'm registering your energy, Fergus, but we've decided it's going to be launched by...the Secretary of State for Social Affairs and Citizenship.
:''(Fergus and Adam are understandably upset about not being able to launch their policy...but Peter is actually a little MORE upset.)''
:'''Peter:''' (moaning) ''Ohhh...All my gallstones have come at once.''
:'''Fergus:''' Are you fucking serious? 
:'''Adam:''' What is wrong with you people? Peter can't even right-click a fucking mouse. 
:'''Phil:''' Well, he can, it's track pads he has a problem with. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No. No, you come in here like Dr. Robotnik and say, &quot;Oh, I'm sorry.&quot; We put in the graft on this. You can't just take it off us. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, I think we can. You see...
:'''Emma:''' We can.  
:'''Stewart:''' You see, Coalition's like a band, guys, yeah, and every band has a frontman. [[Florence and the Machine|He's Florence and you're – well, you're The Machine.]]
:''(Then, Glenn Cullen, who's supposed to be on Fergus and Adam's team, enters the meeting room.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(cracking a Superman joke)'' Hey! Sorry I'm late, guys. I was just changing in a phone booth. (chuckles to himself)
:'''Terri:''' Was that a joke or...
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. No, I was on the phone. ''(to Fergus)'' Hey, Fergus, you look a bit A&amp;E. Everything all right? 
:'''Fergus:''' No, er, Mannion is announcing Silicon Playgrounds on Stewart's orders. 
:'''Stewart:''' PM's orders.
:'''Glenn:''' What? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hang on a moment. This is demarcation stuff. This is Fourth Sector, right? And I am the Fourth Sector guru. Yeah, I've been on Team Fergus on this, you know, me and the Inbetweeners. 
:'''Adam:''' The what? The what? Sorry? 
:'''Emma:''' You know that's what we call you. 
:'''Stewart:''' That's what they call you. 
:'''Glenn:''' WE did all the work on this. Us, we're a team, we did it. And now you're going to say we're going to play a new game, pass the parcel, and he gets to unwrap it? (pointing at Peter) I don't think so! This is bollocks, Stewart! 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, come on, calm down. 
:'''Glenn:''' Just a second. Bollocks. 
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, just leave it, leave it. 
:''(Glenn leaves the meeting room)'' 
:'''Emma:''' (talking about Glenn) He's seriously going to have a heart attack, look at him. 
:'''Stewart:''' God, will we cope now? Can we even carry on? 
:''(Quiet in the room again...)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, it doesn't seem to have changed anything. All right, the top line, folks, is this: It's about coalition, remember, yeah? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No, this is not about coalition. This is about you nicking our ideas and doing us up the Eurotunnel. 
:'''Phil:''' Come on. You're basically a couple of homeless guys we've invited to Christmas dinner. Don't bitch because we don't let you carve the turkey.
:'''Peter:''' Let me just say it simply for you, Stewart: I don't understand the Networked Nation and the Silicon fucking Playground &quot;gigabits,&quot; people watching television on telephones. For what it's worth, I think Fergus should carve this particular turkey. 
:'''Adam:''' There you go. 
:'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter. The Networked Nation is about harnessing the interconnectivity of everyone in society. It's a new way of thinking. Innovation, self-investment, revenue flux, growth, ergo a healthy network. What's so complicated about that? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(bluntly)'' ''ALL'' the words you just used. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' ''(at Peter's office door)'' Ah, Peter. I'm expecting great things!
:'''Peter:''' Then you're an idiot.
:'''Stewart:''' Laters, legislators. ''(leaves)''
:'''Peter''' ''(looking at Fergus's policy)'': The only way this policy launch could be worse is if I understood the bloody thing.
:'''Glenn''' ''(walking in with a file which he dumps on Phil)'': Right, I'm gonna put the old tea-cauldron on! Anybody fancy a brew?
:''(They all ignore him. During Emma's line, he gives up and leaves.)''
:'''Emma:''' Peter, risk of sounding like your mum: time for school. You need to get to this meeting.
:'''Peter:''' I hate schoolchildren, they're volatile and stupid and they haven't got the vote. Might as well be talking to fucking geese.
:'''Phil:''' Well, you know the school's only 10 minutes from your house. You could pop round for a late lunch. 
:'''Peter:''' Not much of a celebration. &quot;Hello, darling, make me a Cup-a-Soup.&quot; Oh, now, I need a thoughtful, very personal present for Tina. Any ideas?
:'''Phil:''' Erm, what about a sexy undergarment? 
:'''Peter:''' (disappointed in Phil's suggestion) No. 
:'''Emma:''' Perfume. What perfume does she wear? 
:'''Peter:''' No idea. Expensive, smells a bit of lemons. 
:'''Terri:''' Peter, before you go, I-I do really need a comment, I'm sorry, on this Tickel protest, please.
:'''Peter:''' OK: 'As we enter the third week, I find Mr. Tickle's attention-seeking tent-based twattery even more annoying than weeks one and two.'
:'''Terri:''' Can't actually say that.
:'''Peter:''' Really? Oh then by implication you know what you can say, so say that instead.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Terri is being called to see Fergus and Adam in Fergus's office.)''
:'''Adam:''' Just to keep you up to speed, Terri, we are going to do a companion launch for Digital Playgrounds tonight at the learning centre at 7 o'clock, all right? 
:'''Fergus:''' And we just need you to pop a press pack in the Coverley microwave and let us know when you've pinged. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, sorry. I don't think I'll be able to get that cleared before 6:00, so that's effectively tomorrow, isn't it? 
:'''Adam:''' Sorry, Terri, we don't need clearance. We're not covering a Beatles track, we're the fucking Government. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, I'm sorry, but I do need to get that through Number 10 before I can do anything. 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, was Terri actually in the meeting earlier, Adam? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, she was, Fergus. I know she was there because I heard her humming the theme tune to ''[[wikipedia:Call the Midwife|Call the Midwife]].'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well, Stewart was very clear about this protocol. It's about the only thing he ever has been clear about. 
:'''Adam:''' The policy has been agreed. This is just an additional publicity push. 
:'''Terri:''' Adam, I'm sorry if you think I'm being obstructive, but I cannot -- and I ''will not'' -- do ask you ask. 
:'''Fergus:''' Well you can't stop me, Terri! OK? I want you to know, YOU CANNOT WIN, [[wikipedia:Nurse_Ratched|NURSE RATCHED]], because this is my moment! Now, you like musicals: well this is [[wikipedia:Tonight_(1956_song)|Tonight]] from West Side Story, yeah? And I'm going to bring the bloody house down, so you can't [[wikipedia:Don't_Rain_on_My_Parade|Rain on my Parade]], [[wikipedia:Funny_Girl_(musical)|Funny Girl]]. Why don't you go and have a lie-down and a [[wikipedia:Hobnob_biscuit|Hobnob]] while we run the fucking country, all right?
:'''Terri:''' (unfazed) Anything else? 
:'''Adam:''' No, don't think so. 
:''(Fergus is perplexed, Adam is stunned, and Terri gets up to leave...)''
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Thank you, minister. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil, and Emma are in the car to the policy launch)''
:'''Fergus:''' Does he understand the policy? Forgive my concern, but it's a bit like asking if a dog can grasp the concept of Norway.
:'''Terri''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'': We have a question: does he understand the – Oh, she's hung up! Ever the charmless minor royal.
:'''Peter:''' And I keep a straight face, do I, when I say to a room full of frogspawn, 'Upload your future'?
:'''Emma:''' You know, that sounds great! No pronunciation traps. 'Cause you know what happened to the Chancellor, don't you, at the [[wikipedia:Brit_Awards|BRITs]]? [[wikipedia:Tinie_Tempah|'Tinny' Tempah]]?
:'''Phil:''' Well, it could have been worse, I heard he opened his stag do speech with 'my niggaz'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter is at the school making his speech...I Call App Britain!)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Why is it that Silicon Valley is in America when we have so many net-savvy tech-heads here? They may have the silicon chip, but we have the silicon ''chap''. And of course, chapesses. Er, and we want ''you'' to design game apps for use in the classroom.
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, sorry to interrupt: erm, it's not game apps, we're actually looking for educational apps.
:'''Peter:''' Er, of course. That's why I'm here to say: I call you up. App. I, I Call App Britain. Yes. And everyone will benefit, not financially, er, not cash in hand, of course: all profits will be stored as part of a digital dividend, which –
:'''Raj:''' 'Scuse me, are you saying that if I wrote an app I wouldn't get any money for it? I would be working for free?
:'''Peter:''' If you don't mind we'll keep the Q&amp;A to the end. What I wanted to emphasise –
:'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, er, why can't you just answer him now?
:'''Teacher:''' Charlotte.
:'''Charlotte:''' Well, the other lady was allowed to interrupt.
:'''Peter:''' Yes, but she's ''my'' lady. ''(everyone laughs except Emma)'' Er, what was your question again?
:'''Raj:''' Why won't we profit from this?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, but you would! Er, maybe I didn't explain it properly. What's your name?
:'''Raj:''' Rajesh.
:'''Peter:''' I'm sorry?
:'''Raj:''' Rajesh, Raj.
:'''Peter:''' Well, er, Rajesh Raj – ''(the students laugh)'' Oh, right. ''(chuckles)'' Well, er, what I, what I wanted to say is that, that you ''would'', er, profit, that any profits you made would be offset against [[wikipedia:Tuition_fees_in_the_United_Kingdom|tuition fees]] –
:'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, we don't believe in tuition fees.
:'''Peter:''' Well, erm, what's your –
:'''Charlotte:''' Charlotte.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, well, that's an easier one.
:'''Emma''' ''(to Phil)'': Fuck me, I feel like I've just been pushed out of a plane.
:'''Raj:''' I make apps. I sell them through Apple and I get paid for it.
:'''Peter:''' Good for you, Ra– er, good for you, but with ''us'', you let us license it as part of the Networked Nation policy. We all put in, you see –
:'''Raj:''' What do you put into the Networked Nation?
:'''Peter:''' Well, er, I am – a Minister.
:'''Raj:''' But what do you actually do?
:'''Peter:''' I take the, the – science that, that you made earlier, and I – ''apply'' it, in – scenarios that are – cost-effective.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Well at least I got 'I Call App Britain' right.
:'''Phil:''' Thankfully with only a modicum of the contempt you used just now.
:'''Emma:''' 'Hooray, you got the title right! Let's get the driver to do some victory doughnuts.' You're gonna have to issue an apology, you know.
:'''Peter:''' I'm not going back there and saying, 'Oh, that moment when I mistook an abbreviation of your name for your surname: sorry.' I'll look completely mental.
:'''Phil:''' You can't apologise for a fart you did a day ago.
:'''Emma:''' No, you're gonna have to apologise for the follow-up as well. 'Charlotte, that's an easier name.'
:'''Peter:''' ''But it is!'' That's a fact, not a judgement!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(And now, Peter finds himself being confronted by a big crowd of reporters and journalists -- outside his own home!)''
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, why are you at home in the middle of a working day? 
:'''Peter:''' Um, it's-it's my 30th anniversary and I popped home for lunch after the Silicon Playgrounds launch, which is literally around the corner, and I'll be staying late to make up for it. 
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Are you turning schools into teenage sweatshops? 
:'''Peter:''' I-I'm sorry if this is proving a complex idea. Pupils will receive a digital dividend towards their higher education fees. 
:'''Female Reporter #2:''' The dividend is optional, though, you can get cash instead? 
:'''Peter:''' No, you can't, I'm sorry...
:'''Female Reporter #2:''' You can according to your Junior Minister. 
:'''Peter:''' I see. 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Minister, do you think you came across this morning as a &quot;fibre-optic Fagan?&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' That's a ridiculous phrase. 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Well, that, again, is a quote from your Junior Minister.  
:''(Peter's socially embarrassing predicament continues...)''
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, is, um, that a bottle of champagne? 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Drinking on the job, minister? 
:'''Peter:''' It's a half bottle. Um, as I said, it is my anniversary and I have just recycled it. Er, thank you. Bye. 
:''(Peter gets into his car.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to his driver)'' Run those fuckers over. Fifty quid for every one you maim.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(shouting at Fergus on his return to DoSAC)'': Thanks a fucking bunch, mate! I couldn't have looked more of a twat, unless I'd announced it dressed as a mermaid with scallops on my tits!
:'''Fergus:''' Look, I'm angry, too, Peter. I spent a lot of time on that policy that you just raped in a ditch. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, it was your stupid idea in the first place. 
:'''Fergus:''' What are your ideas, Peter? Come on, we'd all love to hear them! A public information film on the best wine to have with fish? A butler on every street corner? 
:'''Peter:''' This is a long game, Fergus. And I've been around a lot longer than you, Fergus, and I'll still be here when they rip your name off your door and turn your office back into something useful, like a spare toilet! 
:''(Stewart, from out of nowhere, enters the fight.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' BOTH OF YOU DESIST! You have caused me to raise my voice and I do not like it. I reserve this level of anger for when I'm flying Ryanair. Peter's Palace! NOW! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking champagne in the middle of the day during a recession. Who do you think you are, [[wikipedia:Sean_Combs|P. Diddy]]?
:'''Peter:''' It was a half-bottle, on my thirtieth anniversary, ''and'' I was recycling it; at least give me credit for that!
:'''Stewart:''' Oh right, no, sorry Peter, yeah, I take it all back. About as strong a defence as 'the fertiliser in my homemade bomb was organic.' What have you got planned for this evening, dancing girls on a yacht? 
:'''Peter:''' Garage, car, hosepipe. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, good, the anniversary present your wife's been dreaming of. ''(to Fergus)'' And Fergus, what about you? 
:'''Fergus:''' Well, I'm launching Silicon Playgrounds, properly this time, tonight at a learning centre. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, something you didn't clear through me. According to Terri Coverley, you announced this before Peter took his daily &quot;gaffe dump.&quot; What was the word I used this morning?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, you used a lot of words this morning, it was like a fucking [[Will Self]] lecture.
:'''Stewart:''' What was the word I used?
:'''Fergus:''' Coalition?
:'''Stewart:''' BOOM! So you ''will'' go to the learning centre where you will re-explain Silicon Playgrounds ''with Peter'', who will make an abject grovelling apology for being both a digi-tard and an elderly racist!
:'''Fergus:''' So first you take the policy away from me for Peter to screw up, then you take ''salvaging'' the policy away from me for Peter to screw up! Good, yeah, that's just great!
:'''Peter:''' I'm bored of this! I'm going for a Twix! ''(leaves)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(storming out of his office)'': She's NOT on the FUCKING ''LIST!'' ''(enters Fergus's office)'' Will you please tell me why Terri Coverley is not on this list?
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry Peter, she's too expensive to get rid of.
:'''Peter:''' Oh Christ, Fergus, we both know she's a fart in a frock and I want her wafted out of here.
:'''Fergus''' ''(smiling)'': My hands are tied.
:'''Peter:''' Fuck you! You're not getting in MY car tonight! ''(leaves)''
:'''Glenn:''' What a very principled stand you're taking.
:'''Fergus:''' Yep, but did you see how stressed Mannion was there? Soon he'll be so weak and disorientated he'll stagger off in the night like a tramp who's stood up too quickly.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(on the phone with his wife)'': No, I don't think today is our entire marriage in a nutshell. Well, we had champagne, and your sister wasn't there.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil''' ''(to Adam)'': You're getting a coffwee: coffee with wee in it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter''' ''(on the phone to his wife)'': Champagne looks bad, PR-wise. I might as well be seen urinating through the letterbox of a closed-down library.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Terri:''' Right, I'd better get on. Sometimes I think I never stop working.
:'''Phil:''' You leave at 5:40!
:'''Terri:''' One last thing.
:'''Phil:''' Yes, [[Columbo]]?
:'''Terri:''' The staff cuts. What do you know? 
:'''Phil:''' Ah, I see, that's what this whole chat's been about, has it, mental pickpocketing?
:'''Terri:''' You see, you don't need to tell me: I'll just list off a few names. You do that girly flicky thing with your hair, OK?
:'''Phil:''' Bye, Terri.
:'''Terri:''' Was that it, was that code? Am I going?
:'''Phil:''' No, I'm telling you to fuck off.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Raj:''' What do you actually do?
:''(quiet laughter from the students)''
:'''Peter:''' I am the, er, Secretary of State for Social Affairs a-and Citizenship.
:'''Phil:''' It's a bit like being the Lord Commander of the [[wikipedia:List_of_A_Song_of_Ice_and_Fire_characters#Night's_Watch_and_wildlings|Night's Watch]]? Er, you watch Game of Thrones, yeah?
:'''Raj:''' This is bullshit!
:''(the students laugh)''
:'''Teacher:''' Hey, quiet now – quiet! Raj, that language is unacceptable, OK?
:'''Peter:''' I'll say, you – you wouldn't use that kind of language in front of your extended family.
:'''Students''' ''(shocked)'': Oh!
:'''Emma:''' Oh my good God, I cannot believe childbirth is more painful than this.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Adam:''' We have to distance ourself from this ''now''.
:'''Fergus:''' Right, OK, I'll call Terri and get her up to speed.
:'''Adam:''' Terri is never up to speed. She's stuck in neutral in a fucking rainy car park listening to [[wikipedia:Ken_Bruce|Ken Bruce]].
:'''Glenn''' ''(on his phone)'': Who told you I was the guru? Terri Coverley, right, thank you. Well, I am the guru of the policy, but I'm not the guru of the colossal gang of [[wikipedia:Henry_(vacuum)|Henrys]] who tried to explain it just now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter''' ''(to Raj)'': Yes, well, for you, App-ortunity Knocks.
:'''Fergus''' ''(to Raj, quietly)'': It's [[wikipedia:Opportunity_Knocks_(UK_TV_series)|a show]], it's like [[wikipedia:Britain's_Got_Talent|Britain's Got Talent]], from his era.

==Series 4, Episode 2==
:'''Ollie:''' Right, sorry to interrupt you at this very sad time, but we do have [[wikipedia:Prime_Minister's_Questions|Prime Minister's Questions]] in ''one hour''. 
:'''Nicola:''' No it's fine, I've got the lead question, I've got the follow-up sarcastic question and I've got the withering put-down, so I'm prepped, I'm fucking prepped.
:'''Ollie:''' Yep. You'll walk rings round him.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Ben:''' The Leader of the Opposition is in that room, Malcolm, practising ''walking''. I mean, baby horses can walk from the womb, she's one-nil down to a pony.
:'''Malcolm:''' A pony isn't a baby horse, it's a foal, a fucking foal is a baby horse.  
:'''Ben:''' Right, our guest tonight on 'I Don't Give a Fuck about Baby Horses' is me. But we need to do something about Nicola, Malcolm, I mean, you know about her plan – I mean, Nicola with a plan, that's like a toddler with a harpoon, there's a toddler wandering around in that office with a harpoon.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well, don't you worry about Nicola's plan. I'll deal with that, Sweaty Betty – Listen, when you wake up in the morning you've got a routine, haven't you?  
:'''Ben:''' Big shit, granola, check the email, shower and a shave, [[wikipedia:Nespresso|Nespresso]], sometimes a second shit.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Exactly. You have a plan: that's good. Nicola has a plan: that's not good. But I have a plan: that's fucking great.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Nicola bend down in front of the photocopier)'': Oh, that's very moving: '[[wikipedia:Ode_of_Remembrance|They shall not grow old]], who photocopy their arses at the Christmas do'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola and her advisers, Ollie Reeder &amp; Helen Hatley, are brainstorming ideas for a buzzword for do-gooder members of the public.)''
:'''Ollie:''' They're commuters, they are the street-pounders, street – walkers, um – 
:'''Nicola:''' You can't call them streetwalkers.  
:'''Ollie:''' They're the people who deal with the little stuff, erm – [[wikipedia:The_Wombles|Wombles]], Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call.  
:'''Nicola:''' Erm, straights.  
:'''Ollie:''' No!  
:'''Nicola:''' No. No, of course, sorry.  
:'''Helen Hatley:''' Commuting champions.  
:'''Nicola:''' Interrai– human [[wikipedia:Interrail|interrailers]] –   
:'''Ollie:''' Human interrailers? That's interrailers. Er, everyday superstars, all British supremes –  
:'''Malcolm:''' That sounds like a racist tribute band.  
:'''Nicola:''' Ordinary people, with something special about them, with a special power.  
:'''Ollie:''' Please don't say special. Don't say special.  
:'''Nicola:''' No but – you know, but like sup– people as superheroes.  
:'''Ollie:''' Ironpeople, Spiderpeople. Wolfpeople.  
:'''Nicola:''' They're just regular citizens, but they have this – that one special quality that makes them like Batman, or Batpeople. Erm, ''Quiet'' Batpeople.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(glaring)'' Quiet Batpeople?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' She's going to have to fall on her sword, which means that we are gonna have to stick one in the ground, trip her up onto it and get somebody to jump up and down on her back for ten minutes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Reshuffle: don’t send Ben to the back-benches, he’ll just wank and eat Pringles, leather seats are an invitation to men like him. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Before we finish, I just want to throw one more pebble into the thought pool.
:'''Ben:''' Ploop.
:'''Nicola:''' Sorry Ben, I missed that?
:'''Ben:''' Just I'm sorry, I just, I said 'ploop', it's just the noise of a pebble.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(A photographer has managed to take a picture of Helen's 'Quiet Batpeople' notes)''  
:'''Nicola:''' &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot; on every fucking paper! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, this is a wake-up call. And by the way, Helen, the next time you want to make Nicola look like a clown with her fucking hair on fire in a Zumba class, why don't you just take your notes down to [[wikipedia:Snappy_Snaps|Snappy Snaps]] and get them blown up to gigantic charity cheque size, so the partially sighted can be in on the fucking gag?
:'''Helen:''' I didn't know they'd be able to see it!
:'''Malcolm:''' So we have to seize the agenda. We have to deflect attention away from all this. It's now time to embrace our friend Mr. Tickle.
:'''Nicola:''' I can't even say his name without smiling.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, ''he's'' not smiling, is he? He's living in a tent, 'cause his key-worker housing's been sold off.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, and he's a 24-carat fucking nutcase. Which means that Peter Mannion has been picking on a man with a history of depression. That's a way right into the Principality of Pricks right there.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' It's time for you to step up, Ollie. What's that film that you love?
:'''Ollie:''' What film?
:'''Malcolm:''' The one about the fucking hairdresser, the [[wikipedia:Luke_Skywalker|space hairdresser]] and the [[wikipedia:Han_Solo|cowboy]]. The guy, he's got a [[wikipedia:C-3PO|tin foil pal]] and a [[wikipedia:R2-D2|pedal bin]]. [[wikipedia:Darth_Vader|His father]]'s a robot and he's fucking fucked [[wikipedia:Princess_Leia|his sister]]. Lego! They're all made of fucking Lego.
:'''Ollie:''' Star Wars?
:'''Malcolm:''' That's the one, right. It's like that, okay? Where you fucking kill all the bad guys, and you'll be able to blow up the big –
:'''Ollie:''' Death Star.
:'''Malcolm:''' The Death Star thing. Then you can go and live happily ever after on the planet of the teddy bears.
:'''Ollie:''' They're Ewoks, they're Ewoks. It's a fantastic analogy, well done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' Malcolm, could I have a couple of words please?
:'''Malcolm:''' Political lightweight? Making up the numbers? Sorry that's four isn't it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dan:''' So, your loyalty to Nicola is – 
:'''Malcolm:''' Unwavering. Right up to the point that –  
:'''Dan:''' Someone challenges her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Not necessary: she's going to kick her own head in, which will be easy for her because she does yoga. No, we just need somebody to hold her jacket while she commits political hara-kiri, and sweep in unopposed, being careful not to tread in the mess.  
:'''Dan:''' So you think – I should challenge her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck is this, Tinker Tailor Soldier Cunt? Do you, or do you not, want to be the next leader of this party?
:'''Dan:''' Yes.
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, well, she needs to fuck off in eight months, so it looks like we're giving her a chance. I will teach you the way of tears and love, my friend; now, let's get out of this fucking cupboard before Ben Swain comes in for his lunchtime wank.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(putting his glasses on to read Ollie's phone)'': What is this tiny font? Is it to match your subatomic thoughts?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Ben, and separately Ollie and Helen, are watching Nicola at the [[wikipedia:Remembrance_Sunday#National_ceremony_in_the_United_Kingdom|Remembrance Sunday ceremony]] on TV)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're right, she can't fucking walk.  
:'''Ben:''' I mean, should we get a pony to challenge her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not a fucking pony, it's a fucking foal.  
:'''Ben:''' Sorry.  
:'''Helen:''' I don't understand how you can get that wrong.  
:'''Ollie:''' It's this: ''(demonstrates)'' de-de-clunk!  
:'''Helen:''' She is officially a [[wikipedia:The_Cenotaph,_Whitehall|Ceno]]-twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Fabulous work, sister. Bury her in a grave. [[wikipedia:The_Unknown_Warrior|The Unknown Leader]].  
:'''Helen:''' I can't watch: I feel a bit sick.  
:'''Ollie:''' I just hope there is no afterlife, because if people fought and died for this, it is going to seem even more ridiculously futile.  
:'''Ben''' ''(to Malcolm)'': Why d'you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(during the Quiet Batpeople brainstorming)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Wombles, Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles?  
:'''Helen:''' Right, OK, obviously, you know, we're not gonna block anything 'cause this is a think-thoughting session, erm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call.  
:'''Ollie:''' Think-thoughting, Helen, is what we call, in the real world, thinking. It's the same. Am I say-speaking out of turn? Have I not understood-comprehended you?
:'''Helen:''' I don't know, I tuned you out a bit.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Hiya, I thought you were bollocking Dan Miller.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, I am. ''(to the empty chair next to him)'' Look at you! You bourgeois, fucking side-parted twat, you flap that bammed-up nutcrease of yours again, and I will fuck you so deep, that if you're not drowned in the blizzard of jizz, your rectum will become the biggest fucking indoor venue in fucking Europe.  
:'''Ollie:''' Are you OK?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sit down.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ollie)'': This is [[wikipedia:Infinite_monkey_theorem|monkey typewriter]] stuff. There's not even a fucking infinite amount of monkeys with an infinite amount of time with an infinite amount of typewriters that'll produce the words, 'Nicola Murray, PM'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ben:''' How do you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't know anything about horses, apart from that a grown-up one's a fucking horse and a baby one's a foal. And why are you eating my biscuits?  
:'''Ben:''' I don't know, I found them on here. There's one left.  
:'''Malcolm:''' They are big wreaths.  
:'''Ben:''' It's like a toilet seat, isn't it? I mean, it's not, it's lovely.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What size of a wreath would you need for a nuclear war?  
:'''Ben:''' There wouldn't be anyone left to put it on the Cenotaph, would there? It'd be carried along by cockroaches or whatever it is they say'll survive.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah.

==Series 4, Episode 3==
:''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are in the car, on the way to Thought Camp...and ALL 3 of them are on their cell phones. Stewart is talking to a Minister, Emma is talking to Phil, and Peter is talking to his wife. )'' 
:'''Peter:''' I was picked up at seven, of course I haven't walked the dog. I barely had time to take myself for a shit. 
:'''Emma:''' Phil, I'm sure you're suffering from &quot;Peter Withdrawal&quot; symptoms, but I really, really need you to keep an eye of the Ticket issue. 
:'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp ETA 13 minutes, okay? You're taking the bridge, Kieran. 
:'''Emma:''' Okay, well, you can start by not referring to him as Gyppo. ''Or'' Gypsy, Phil. It's not, it's not the abbreviation that's the problem.
:'''Peter:''' If he has a thorn in his paw, it must be from when you took him for a walk yesterday. 
:'''Emma:''' What do you mean, &quot;You're in charge?&quot; You are not in fucking charge, you doughnut! 
:'''Stewart:''' Of course you're gonna keep me informed, I want the full crunch on all the feeds, as usual. Everything below the equator. 
:'''Peter:''' Take him to the dog hospital. (Peter's wife thinks he's being sarcastic.) No, I'm not being sarcastic! There is one! 
:'''Emma:''' Try and keep an eye on things, all right? 
:'''Peter:''' The number will be in the folder. The folder. What? (Peter sighs as he realizes he has lost the connection.)
:''(Now, all 3 members of Team Mannion are off their cell phones.)''  
:'''Peter:''' Where are you taking us, Stewart? This Mind Kampf is in the middle of nowhere.  
:'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp, Peter, and isolation is the mother of renewal. We shall retreat to go forwards.  
:'''Emma:''' Terrible signal! Phil sounded like he was phoning in a report on an African coup.
:'''Stewart:''' Why's he even gone in today?
:'''Peter:''' I put him on Tickel oversight. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, the eviction. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, cutting the guy ropes on his tent is hardly the Siege of Troy. 
:'''Emma:''' Bailiffs thought it would be easier today, quicker or quieter. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, but I want Phil sealed off, right? He makes no statement today, not even off the record. 
:'''Peter:''' He wanted to feel useful. 
:'''Stewart:''' Then he should sell his organs. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Phil are alone in the DoSAC building.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, we've got the whole palace to ourselves, eh? [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern|Rosencrantz and Guildenstern]]!  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, but [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern_Are_Dead|very much alive]]. Well, one of us.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart''' ''(to party staff arriving at Thought Camp)'': OK people, abandon phones, all ye who enter here. And watches too: time is a leash on the dog of ideas.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Stewart:''' OK lovely people, let's go truffling in the forest of knowledge.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' OK people, I'd like to start this session with a question: when is a party not a party?  
:'''Peter:''' When it's at your house?  
:''(quiet laughter)'' 
:'''Emma''' ''(quietly, annoyed)'': Peter!   
:'''Stewart:''' A party is not a party when it is plural. ''(brings up a slide of a woman on her phone in a crowd)'' There she is, the party, singular: she thinks like you, she votes like you, she is ''not'' you, and yet of course, she ''is'' you.  
:'''Peter''' ''(to himself, sighing)'': I feel like I've joined the Scientologists.
:'''Stewart:''' Some of these people want a federal Britain, others don't. And as long as we continue to do nothing, we can call that &quot;consensus.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Why am I the only senior minister here? Is JB punishing me? 
:'''Emma:''' Look, Mary Drake's here, Home Office. 
:''(Peter and Emma nod hello to Mary.)''
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' And yes, JB is punishing you. 
:'''Stewart:''' OK, let's [[wikipedia:Michael_McIntyre|McIntyre]] this: stand up. Let's find out, in fact, chairs to the side, please. 
:'''Peter:''' Great, vague prancing about. 
:'''Mary Drake:''' Isn't that one of the fundamental principles of democracy? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Oh, I'm sorry, Peter, you want to share your thoughts? 
:'''Peter:''' Hmm? No, we just hoped we were going to do some dancing, er, Stewart. What, Merce Cunningham, something like that? 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, maybe later you can share it with us. But first of all, let me share something with you. How about this, Silicon Playgrounds, yeah? What caused this slow-motion pile up? Shall we sit down and chew over &quot;hash-tag epic fail?&quot; Or shall we try and get some solutions on their feet? That's it, just put it at the side, Peter. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Glenn is bringing a tray of coffee and biscuits into Fergus's office.)''  
:'''Adam:''' Glenn, you're a marvel, you know, you're like a modern-day [[wikipedia:Jeeves|Jeeves]]. Only not modern. Day. You're like Jeeves, but only not as good.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus is bringing Tara Strachan, a strikingly beautiful economist, to DoSAC HQ.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' Here we are, at the Coalface. ''(to Adam)'' Ah. Adam, this is Tara Strachan. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Tara)'' Hello, lovely to meet you. 
:'''Tara Strachan:''' Hi there. 
:'''Adam:''' Really lovely, lovely. 
:'''Fergus:''' Shall we, er...She's an economist...
:'''Adam:''' Real pleasure, actually. 
:'''Fergus:''' ...and a lady. 
:'''Adam:''' Yes, obviously. Lovely. 
:''(Fergus and Adam are quite happy to see Tara. Phil, on the other hand, is a little confused.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' What's going on? Who's the skirt? 
:'''Adam:''' Oh, I'd love to bring you up to speed, Phil. I really would, but I'm not gonna live long enough. So tell you what, why don't you go and help Glenn watch his telly? I think the dancing's on in a minute. 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' I really like your coat, by the way. 
:'''Tara:''' (quite flattered) Thank you. Thank you.
:'''Fergus:''' It's like a leopard. 
:'''Tara:''' It is a little bit. 
:'''Fergus:''' Or a cheetah. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Tara is sharing her idea for micro banking with Fergus and Adam.)''
:'''Tara:''' The beauty of this model...
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. 
:'''Tara:''' ...um, is that micro banking can happen anywhere, okay? 
:'''Fergus:''' Great. 
:'''Tara:''' Small, low-interest loans, that's the way forward. 
:'''Adam:''' This is terrific. I mean, it's so fucking us, it's brilliant. 
:'''Fergus:''' (trying to calm Adam down) Adam, Adam. 
:'''Adam:''' Ah.
:'''Tara:''' Oh, don't worry, I don't mind swearing. Shows passion. I've done some community enterprise case studies. Sisters who want to set up a pop-up baker's in a disused travel agents, the boiler guy who wants to take on an apprentice. 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. 
:'''Fergus:''' The helping hand for hands-on people. 
:'''Tara:''' Yeah. 
:'''Adam:''' I like that, that's great. That's really good. 
:'''Fergus:''' Making  sure the can-doers don't get canned. 
:'''Adam:''' Terrific. Yeah, really good. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, at Thought Camp, Peter is playing a &quot;mind game.&quot; He has a Post-It note stuck to his head with a political issue written on it, and he has to guess what it is. He needs Mary Drake's help.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Would I be comfortable or uncomfortable...
:'''Stewart:''' Yes or no questions only, please, Peter. 
:'''Peter:''' Would I be uncomfortable talking to Andrew Marr about this concept on the television? 
:'''Mary:''' Yes. 
:'''Peter:''' Am I Diversity? 
:'''Mary:''' No. 
:'''Stewart:''' You're out of questions, Peter. 
:''(Peter finally takes the Post-It note off his head -- and then gets REALLY upset.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake! Inclusivity's practically the same as Diversity! 
:'''Mary:''' ''(chuckles)'' No it's not. 
:'''Stewart:''' No it isn't, Peter. 
:'''Peter:''' I could be at home watching the snooker with a bottle of unpronounceable scotch. Can I sit down now? ''(Peter sits down)'' I'm sitting down, I don't care. 
:'''Stewart:''' Actually, we can all sit down now. Thanks, Peter. Um, so take a chair 'cause Emma's going to co-steer module four with me. We're gonna do a kind of Top Trumps stats check on the PM's future enemies, yeah? Strengths, weaknesses, blocking moves and take-downs. Em. 
:'''Emma:''' Great. Thank you, Stewart. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' You've turned into the wrong Mitford sister.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, back at DoSAC HQ, the Banking Brainstorm continues...)'' 
:'''Tara:''' Basically, we'd set up a network of microcredit lenders at neighborhood level. 
:'''Adam:''' This is great. So what would it be called? Like the Citizen's Bank, or...
:'''Fergus:''' The People's Bank? 
:'''Tara:''' Um, Community...
:'''Fergus:''' The Credit Fund? ''(correcting himself)'' No, no, credit's a bad word. 
:'''Adam:''' Negative. Something, something with &quot;Advance...&quot; 
:'''Fergus:''' The We Bank? 
:'''Tara:''' The We Bank. 
:'''Adam:''' I like that. 
:'''Fergus:''' Although it does sound a bit like a...sperm bank. But for wee. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn is reporting the latest Tickel Watch news to Phil.)''
:'''Glenn:''' There's a bit of a farce going on here with your Mr. Tickle. They've turned up to evict him and he's not there.
:'''Phil:''' Good. Self-evicted. Gone. Problem solved. Anyway, what's going on with Fergus and Adam and the &quot;Sexy Stranger?&quot; She's some kind of economist, apparently. 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't be ridiculous, she's far too attractive. 
:'''Phil:''' You can get sexy economists. What about Stephanie Flanders on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, that's true. I quite like Emily Maitlis. 
:'''Phil:''' Really? Well, I'm sure she'd love a grey pounding. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Tara:''' Do you want to have an &quot;ideagasm?&quot; 
:'''Adam:''' ''(very much turned on)'' Yes, please. 
:'''Tara:''' Ask me how we'd initially fund this. 
:'''Fergus &amp; Adam:''' How would we initially fund this? 
:'''Tara:''' A one-off Robin Hood tax. Steal from the fat cats, raise enough seed capital for hundreds of start-up funds for fledgling businesses. 
:'''Adam:''' You know what? This could work really well for us. This, this is, yeah. 
:'''Tara:''' Yeah? 
:'''Adam:''' I mean, let's just talk, uh, figures. What sort of start-up capital are we talking here? 
:'''Tara:''' Not very much. I think we're looking at about £2 billion. 
:'''Fergus:''' £2 billion?
:'''Tara:''' £2 billion. 
:'''Fergus:''' Good. Well, um...I mean, obviously, I'd have to ring the Treasury. 
:'''Tara:''' Sure. 
:'''Fergus:''' And twist a few arms. You know, it'll take a couple of weeks to work up, but we are extremely keen to set that process in motion.  
:''(Stewart and his team are discussing potential new Leaders of the Opposition at Thought Camp.)''
:'''Stewart:''' OK, let's architecturalise this, yeah?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, don't bother. If it's Ben Swain, we all shout ''Sweaty Swain'' as he dehydrates himself through PMQs. Holhurst looks like a shepherd dressed up to meet the Queen, and if it's Dan Miller we're fucked.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Tara:''' I should tell you I do also have a meeting with Dan Miller booked in. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(suddenly concerned)'' What? I would just knock that right on the head. Don't -- don't do it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Well... ''(awkward laughter from all 3 people)'' He's in opposition. We rule. 
:'''Adam:''' We're the rulers, we're the governors. 
:'''Fergus:''' And, you know, in the end...this is so fucking us. 
:'''Adam:''' Fuck yeah! 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil's looking up Tara Strachan's bio on his cell phone.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Here, uh, &quot;Tara Strachan, LSE, Harvard, author of ''Strapped: Why We're in Debt to Each Other,'' ''Small is Bountiful,'' Expert in micro-financing and community credit guilds.&quot; God, that sounds dreary. 
:'''Glenn:''' Bloody hell, that's all Fourth Sector stuff! I mean, why have they kept me out here like a stray dog? 
:'''Phil:''' And why are they keeping Mannion out of it? This is-this is government business!   
:''(Phil suddenly realizes that Adam and Fergus are working on a policy behind Peter's back. Phil runs to Fergus's office.)''  
:'''Phil:''' Right, that's enough. Stop, stop, stop! I demand an explanation.  
:'''Adam:''' Sorry, Phil, we're busy. Maybe come back in, I don't know, 2017?   
:'''Phil:''' As Peter's representative, it's as though you lied to him. That's not good, probably illegal.  
:'''Adam:''' If you want to see something probably illegal, pass me that fucking stapler over there!  
:'''Tara:''' Er, listen, is there a problem with me being here?   
:'''Fergus:''' Not at all. 
:'''Phil:''' Yes, you're not supposed to be here, the minister is unaware that you're here, so I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.  
:'''Adam:''' Oh right, so she's a security risk? Oh no no no! I'd forgotten: you're not allowed within 50 feet of most women.  
:'''Phil:''' How do you explain this, then? ''(waves his arm in and out of Adam's personal space)'' I'm within 50 feet of you. Hahaha. ''You're'' a woman.
:'''Adam:''' Oh, brilliant. That is really good.
:''(They stop bickering when they hear Glenn)''
:'''Glenn''': ''(offscreen)'' FUCK! TICKLE'S DEAD!
:'''Phil:''' Oh shit...!
:'''Adam:''' Jesus...!
:''(Phil, Fergus and Adam run to the TV, where Glenn is watching [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|BBC News]])''
:'''Glenn:''' Oh God, he's killed himself, suicide. He used a car exhaust.
:'''Phil:''' Hey, classic: the Bohemian Rhapsody of suicide.
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Phil, for fuck's sake!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Adam doesn't like the way that Phil is handling the latest DoSAC crisis -- to say the least.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' It's like there's a little twelve-year-old boy, in a suit, with a fucking light saber in his desk - don't think I don't know it's there - running this department when Mannion's away...
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, so what? 
:'''Adam:''' It's a fucking joke! 
:'''Phil:''' No it's not! No it's not! Have you ever seen ''Game of Thrones'' Season 2? 
:'''Adam:''' No! 
:'''Phil:''' Or Anakin Skywalker, he was young. Frodo, in his thirties, still young for a hobbit. You know, I'm in charge, because I'm a Jedi and you're a fucking Ewok! 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. What is the Ewok position on this, then? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus, Adam, Glenn and Phil are trying to get a handle on the news of Mr. Tickel's suicide.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' The line from Stewart via Emma was that I do nothing. That was the one clear instruction they gave me, okay? We ignore him and he goes away. 
:'''Fergus:''' He is dead. 
:'''Phil:''' Which makes him easier to ignore. 
:'''Fergus:''' As a minister, I should at least express condolences. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(stammering)'' That-that-that should come from Peter. 
:'''Fergus:''' But he's not here. I am. 
:''(Terri enters the room.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Has anyone seen my Bluetooth headset? 
:'''Phil:''' Look, I speak for Peter and I say that we look guilty if we say we're sorry he died. 
:'''Terri:''' I'll take that as a no. 
:'''Adam:''' Listen, Phil. I was a journalist, okay? Now if you don't respond, you create a vacuum that sucks in speculation, and then you can't respond. You get sucked fucking inside-out! 
:'''Phil:''' Look, Tickle wasn't the Queen of People's Hearts, he was a twat in a tent. 
:'''Glenn:''' TICK-EL! HE WAS CALLED TICK-EL! WE DROVE A MAN TO HIS DEATH! WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Fergus and Adam FINALLY come back to see Tara to tell her the good news about launching the bank.)''
:'''Fergus:''' Great stuff, Tara. We're gonna go ahead with the bank. 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, meeting's over. 
:'''Tara:''' ''(surprised)'' Don't you need to talk to the Treasury? 
:'''Fergus:''' We've done that. 
:'''Tara:''' Okay, Well, um, let's talk details. When it comes to interest rates, obviously you've got...
:'''Adam:''' ''(jokingly)'' Well, hey, you know, don't talk us out of it. You don't wanna do that. 
:'''Tara:''' ''(smiling)'' So, is-is this the green light? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh-huh! Yep! £2 billion! 
:'''Tara:''' Oh my God! 
:''(An overjoyed Tara gives both Fergus and Adam a hug, much to their surprise!)'' 
:'''Tara:''' We'll be in touch! 
:'''Fergus &amp; Adam:''' Thank you. 
:'''Tara:''' Thank you. 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara, walking her to the elevator)'' Lovely to meet you, great. 
:''(Phil is wondering what policy Fergus, Adam, and Tara have just launched...)'' 
:'''Phil:''' What have we just green-lit?  
:'''Adam:''' Well, we are starting a community bank with £2 billion.  
:'''Phil:''' Right, is that the £2 billion we keep in the biscuit tin?
:'''Glenn:''' This is just great. This is just fucking great. I hang around this moral abattoir to do something exactly like this and you shut me out? 
:'''Terri:''' So, I'm spending my bank holiday founding a bank? I thought the point about bank holidays is that they're supposed to be shut. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus is still talking to Tara while walking her to the elevator. They're still excited about the bank.)''
:'''Fergus:''' You know, when we see something we like, we just buy it. 
:'''Tara:''' Oh, wow. 
:'''Fergus:''' That's the way we work round here. 
:'''Tara:''' I hope the Tickel, um...situation is all okay. 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, well, it'll be fine. 
:'''Tara:''' Thank you. 
:'''Fergus:''' Great. Lovely to meet you. 
:'''Tara:''' See you soon. 
:''(As soon as the elevator Tara's traveling in closes, Fergus runs back to the offices and takes charge of the situation.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' Right! I'm in fucking charge! And I'm going Nordic drama! ''(to Adam)'' Adam, secure the economist. ''(to Phil)'' You, get Stewart and Mannion back here STAT! 
:'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Got that, guys? Yeah? Okay? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(calling out to Fergus)'' Sure. I'll-I'll do it your way for now, Fergus, but, uh, they left me in charge for a reason. 
:'''Adam:''' I bet you line up all your action figures on the edge of your bath, don't you? 
:'''Phil:''' 1: I've got a shower. And 2: They're still in the boxes. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil, sitting in Peter's office chair, has just left a voicemail for Emma.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(entering)'': Have you got any of them yet?   
:'''Phil:''' No, everyone's ignoring me. It's like the first year of university all over again. Fuck it, the whole of university! ''(Peter's office phone rings.)'' Jesus. ''(answers)'' Hello? No, I can categorically say that Peter Mannion will not be resigning over this. Thank you. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' Who was that? 
:'''Phil:''' ''[[wikipedia:The_World_at_One|World At One]]''. I handled it.  
:'''Terri:''' You don't handle ''The World At One'', Phil, they're not stolen goods. Now listen, if you want to go and play phones, you can go down to the crèche where there's a big phone with big boggly eyes that go round and round when you wheel it about. Now piddle off!  
:''(Phil leaves. Terri sits down in Peter's chair.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' We've got to put something out there, Terri.  
:'''Terri''': That boy is a simpleton. Two hundred years ago, they wouldn't have let him milk a cow. ''(phones a journalist)'' Jonty! Terri here over at Hectic House. ''(laughing)'' No! No, Peter's not resigning!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Female party worker:''' Free apples! ''[throws ball]''
:'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Male party worker:''' Uh, free coffins. ''[throws ball]''
:'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Peter:''' Reduce the deficit with spending cuts.
:'''Everyone except Stewart:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter, I want to hear new ideas ricocheting off your synapses like a pinball, not just a two year old slogan.
:'''Peter:''' Okay, Doctor Jazz, let's hear it. ''[throws ball]''
:'''Stewart:''' We do away with computers.
:'''Everyone except Peter:''' Yes and h-
:'''Peter:''' ''You idiot!'' That's '''''fucking''''' mental!
:'''Stewart:''' No blocking, Peter, only counterpoint. Do away with computers, what do we think? How will it affect us? Good idea? Bad idea?
:'''Peter:''' Good idea for me, I wouldn't get anymore of your ''fucking'' emails. ''[Peter gets up]''
:'''Stewart:''' Try and stay cross-legged if you can, but don't break the circle...
:'''Peter:''' I'm 54, Stewart. My knees are fucked and my patience is snapped. Some of us had to go through this hippie shit the first time around.
:'''Stewart:''' I'm not talking about trying to sell it to the electorate, Peter. I'm talking about exploring it within the free space of the circle.
:'''Peter:''' Okay, give me the ball. Give me the ball! Give me the ball. ''(Peter tries to wrestle the ball away from Stewart)''
:'''Stewart:''' No!
:'''Peter:''' Give me... give me the ''FUCKING'' ball, Stewart! ''[grabs the ball]'' Let's do away with you.
:'''Stewart:''' What?
:'''Peter:''' Filter's off, Daddy-o! Let it all hang out! Just suppose your free-range no-consequence bullshit was hugely entertaining when we were in opposition and shitting money, but now we're in government and it's all gone a bit [[wikipedia:J._G._Ballard|J.G. Ballard]], it's irrelevant and infantile! 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, very droll, Peter.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, and maybe the reason you don't mind handing your phone in is that it doesn't ring as much as it used to. Oh, sorry; ''doesn't ring as much as it used to, yes and ho.''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn:''' Want the opinion of an old lag? Mannion will have to go.  
:'''Phil:''' Stick to 'policemen are getting younger', Glenn. Peter's going nowhere, and I don't mean that in a Glenn's career kind of way.  
:'''Glenn:''' I've seen a lot of people resign, and they're always happier afterwards.  
:'''Phil:''' You're thinking of lobotomies. Peter resigns over my dead body.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, that would be the ideal scenario.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are wondering why they have been called away from the Thought Camp.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' It's probably just Phil, he'll have run out of colouring books or something.  
:'''Peter:''' Anything to get out of Stewart's think sphincter.
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the hotel receptionist)'' Hello, receptionist. Could I have my phone, please? 
:'''Receptionist:''' Um, your name, sir?  
:'''Stewart:''' It's Stewart. 
:'''Receptionist:''' Stewart? 
:'''Stewart:''' Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Peter:''' Peter Mannion. Mine's the old Nokia. Yeah, thank you. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, mine's the one with Stewart written on it. 
:''(Nobody can get a good reception on the phones...)'' 
:'''Peter:''' I can't get any reception. 
:'''Receptionist:''' No, you won't round here. 
:'''Peter:''' What?
:'''Receptionist:''' &quot;No reception at reception,&quot; we always say. The best spot, sounds stupid, is the children's play area, top of the slide? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Peter and Stewart are forced to run over to the playground to get a reception!)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' God, I hate the country. ''(to Peter)'' Get higher, you idiot. 
:'''Peter:''' That's it, that's it, I've got something. 
:'''Stewart:''' Download the intel, Peter. Come on, put it on speaker. 
:'''Peter:''' No, I've got loads of messages from my wife and from Phil. 
:''(Peter's listening to the messages on his cell phone.)''
:'''Peter:''' She's taking the dog to the hospital...
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, come on. 
:'''Peter:''' She's had a long wait...the wound in his paw's gone septic. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh please, Peter, move on. 
:'''Peter:''' Tickle's dead. 
:'''Stewart:''' What? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(stunned)'' Tickle's dead. 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, it's my turn on that signal, Peter, get down. 
:'''Peter:''' Wait, I'm listening to the message! I'm listening to the fucking message! Don't --
:'''Stewart:''' I need to get this signal! 
:''(Peter still doesn't want to slide down the slide.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Stop being so childish! 
:'''Peter:''' Jesus Christ! 
:'''Stewart:''' Just get down, Peter. 
:''(Peter slides down the slide.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I've got it! I've got it! 
:''(Emma's come over to the playground.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Playtime's over. Tickle's dead, okay? Number 10's gone off the hook mental. Stewart, take my phone to call the PM. ''(Emma gives Stewart her cell phone.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' Right, Phil's meeting us, he's going to bring a shirt, suit and tie. You are not going to arrive looking like the manager of an organic wine bar. ''(to both Peter and Stewart)'' Right. Come on, come on, come on! Movement! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Fergus, Adam and Glenn are discussing strategy back at DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, anyway, um, Mannion has surely got to freeze housing disposals now. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. And on that point, Glenn, I wonder if it might be at all helpful if we collated every single statement Mannion's made about Tickle and the sell-off policy? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, as a sort of favor to selected hacks. Put a bit of air between us and the policy. A ''lot'' of air. 
:'''Glenn:''' Adam, this is not the time for party political point-scoring. At least let the body get cold. 
:'''Fergus:''' Of course, understood. What was it? What was it Peter said to those Welsh chartered surveyors?
:'''Adam:''' The health service should be for care, not subsidized housing. I mean, that is...
:''(Adam mimes an explosion.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus, is this what we came into politics for? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. That and the pussy. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In the car back to DoSAC HQ from Thought Camp, Phil hands Peter a rainbow tie.)''  
:'''Peter:''' What's that? I'm supposed to be commenting on a suicide, not a fucking camel race!  
:'''Phil:''' I thought it would balance out the bad news. You know, yin-yang. [[wikipedia:Jon_Snow_(journalist)|Jon Snow]] does it.  
:'''Stewart''' ''(on his phone)'': I want Tickle's movements over the last 24 hours, and I want his complete mental health records since he first sat on a potty.  
:'''Peter:''' Do you think you might need one or two computers for that, Stewart?
:'''Emma:''' ''(on her phone)'' Yeah, okay, well, we're going to try and dredge up some firefighting strategy. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I'll top-load you as soon as we arrive. Yeah, thanks, okay. All right, bye. 
:''(Peter is struggling to put his suit jacket on with his seatbelt on.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Can I, can I take the seatbelt off? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' No, Peter. ''(Emma then sees Stewart tapping his head nervously.)'' Stewart, what are you doing? 
:'''Stewart:''' It-It helps with the car sickness. 
:'''Peter:''' This is great, isn't it, Stewart? A conference on crisis management that's been scuppered by an actual fucking crisis.  
:'''Phil:''' We don't even know why he killed himself yet. I mean, suicide, it's pathetic! At least take some of your enemies with you, that's a noble death.  
:'''Emma:''' This is going completely nuts, so many questions being asked!  
:'''Stewart:''' Yes, starting with &quot;Why did Phil bring a tie from the '90s?&quot;   
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, don't panic, I brought an alternative. ''(shows Peter a black tie)''  
:'''Peter:''' But that's too far the other way!  
:'''Stewart:''' It makes him look guilty. 
:'''Phil:''' How can he be guilty? He's got the perfect alibi, he was at boot camp.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh!   
:'''Emma:''' Brilliant, let's release that, hey? 'There's no actual blood on his hands ''and'' he remembered to wipe the fingerprints off the knife!'  
:'''Phil''' ''(showing Peter his tie)'': Look, you can wear my tie, what about mine?   
:'''Peter:''' What's on your tie? 
:'''Phil:''' Tintin moon rockets.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake!  
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Phil)'' God, it amazes me you ever found your way out of your mother's womb!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Terri, poppet, can you send me out a cry-mail, 'We give a toss, we're sorry for your loss', yeah? Peter, we might need to relaunch the trousers. And get him a tie, a bland one; Glenn, one of yours, yeah?
:''(Phil goes to get Glenn's tie)''
:'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, I have a bit of news I should probably make you aware of.
:'''Peter:''' Yes I do know, Fergus, a man with an amusing name has died.
:'''Fergus:''' Er, no, actually, it's that this morning I, well, I set up a community bank.
:'''Emma:''' ... What?
:'''Peter:''' You did what? You s– You set up a bank?
:'''Phil''' ''(returning with Glenn's tie)'': I had a moment of weakness and they exploited it, like [[wikipedia:Hugh Grant|Hugh Grant]].
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, we didn't really have much choice 'cause it was all going to piss in a kettle here, so we had to get the economist out of the way.
:'''Peter:''' What are you talking about? What economist?
:'''Fergus:''' Well, we were having a preliminary meeting when Phil started to crow, Glenn was having a meltdown, it was getting embarrassing!
:'''Peter''': You bought a bank out of social embarrassment? I sometimes buy ''[[wikipedia:The_Big_Issue|The Big Issue]]'' out of social embarrassment, I don't buy a ''fucking '''bank!'''
:'''Fergus:''' Peter, this is so fucking us.
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, let me just wind back, right? Let's get this straight, just so that I can deal with you two properly: how much is this bank?
:'''Fergus and Adam:''' Well, £2 billion.
:'''Emma:''' ''£2 billion?''
:'''Stewart:''' Sweet Tracey Emin!
:'''Adam:''' Alright, don't need to shit yourself about it, because we're not buying it. OK? It's funded by taxes.
:'''Emma:''' Oh, that's alright then!
:'''Peter:''' Oh great, the triple! I'm a nurse-killer, a banker, and now I'm raising '''''fucking TAXES?'''''
:'''Fergus:''' Well, you are meant to be the bad cop, so what's our out?
:''(Phil drapes Glenn's tie around Peter's neck)''
:'''Peter:''' You're giving me an actual noose along with a metaphorical one. TROUSERS!
:'''Phil:''' Sorry, I'm getting the trousers – ''(interrupted by an alert on his phone)'' Jesus! What were you guys doing at the hotel? There's a picture of you on a slide, it's been tweeted by a golfer.
:'''Emma:''' ''(looks at the photo)'' Oh, f–   
:'''Stewart:''' ''(receiving Phil's phone)'' No no no no no no...  
:'''Phil:''' It's gonna go big, probably viral. Bigger than ''[[wikipedia:Charlie_Bit_My_Finger|Charlie Bit My Finger]]''.  
:'''Adam:''' You look like the [[wikipedia:The_Swiss_Family_Robinson|Shit Family Robinson]].  
:''(Stewart suddenly screams and hurls Phil's phone at the wall, narrowly missing Emma)''  
:'''Emma:''' Jesus Christ!   
:'''Terri:''' Shit!  
:''(Stewart storms off)''   
:'''Adam:''' Oh, poor Stewart. I think a bit of his brain broke.  
:'''Phil:''' My phone broke! I was up to Warlock General in Dragonlance! A year of my life, gone! 
:'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, speaking of socially embarrassing situations, what the fuck were you doing being photographed ''on a slide''?   
:'''Peter:''' It was the only place we could get a FUCKING SIGNAL!  
:'''Fergus:''' Two grown men in a playground, that's a pretty 'clear signal'.
:'''Emma:''' Peter, Number 10 have seen the photo. They don't want you to make a statement. So Fergus, looks like you're up. Statement on Tickle in 10 minutes, OK?
:'''Fergus:''' Bring it! 
:'''Emma:''' I'm gonna go and talk Stewart down. 
:''(Phil tries to hand the pair of trousers to Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' I don't want the fucking trousers!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil gives Glenn his tie back.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Here you go, I managed to wrestle your tie back off Terri. I think there's still some of her fingernails in it, though. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, in the grand scheme of things, that's not such a big deal. 
:'''Phil:''' You're not going to come and watch your guy give the statement? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. He's not my guy, Phil. I'm on my own here, there's no one quite like me. Not here, not any more. 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. You're the last [[wikipedia:VHS|VHS]] in [[wikipedia:Oxfam|Oxfam]]. They won't take them anymore, I've tried. Seasons 1 to 5 of ''[[wikipedia:The_X-Files|The X-Files]]'', nothing, can't give them away.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter and Stewart share an unexpected bonding moment over their mutual dislike of Fergus while watching him on TV.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(talking to the reporters)'' ...for a fairer NHS, for a fairer public housing program. 
:'''Peter:''' He's exactly why people hate politicians. He's making me hate politicians -- ''him'' in particular. 
:'''Stewart:''' Any second now, he's gonna do the imaginary tits. 
:''(Fergus does the &quot;imaginary tits...&quot;)'' 
:'''Peter:''' There they are. ''(Both Peter and Stewart let out sarcastic chuckles.)''
:'''Fergus:''' Thank you. ''(Fergus heads back inside.)''
:'''Peter:''' Look at him. ''(beat)'' Moments like this make you realize why Elvis shot so many TVs.

==Series 4, Episode 4==
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Sam, hi, listen, can you do me a favour? Buy some flowers for Nicola fucking Murray. Yeah, have them delivered to her home this evening with a card that says: &quot;Sorry you had to go, but let's face it, you are a fucking waste of skin&quot;. Waste of skin, yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to a hospital receptionist)'' Morning. I'm looking for a Mr. Oliver Reeder. He looks a bit like a Quentin Blake illustration. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answers his mobile)'' Hi Mum. Yeah, a bit sore –  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering Ollie's room)'' Here she is, Britain's latest post-op transsexual. How did they do that, did they actually manage to graft one on? ''(briefly lifts up Ollie's bedsheet)''  
:'''Ollie:''' I'll call you back, Mum. ''(hangs up)'' It's the scary Morrissey!  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie some flowers)'' I've come to cheer you up.  
:'''Ollie:''' Did you actually buy me flowers, Malcolm?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no, it's [[wikipedia:Roadside_memorial|one of the many advantages]] of living close to an accident blackspot. So how are things, the little boy from ''The Secret Garden?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you know, there's no Wi-Fi, there's basic Freeview. It's like living in 2003. But I am lighter to the tune of one whole appendix, so I do feel very svelte. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So have you seen this? ''(holds up the'' Guardian'', which leads with an interview with Steve Fleming)''  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(reads the headline)'' &quot;Nicola Murray is 'unelectable'&quot;?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie the paper)'' Fleming is foaming.  
:'''Ollie:''' Is that it then, is she fucked?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Like [[w:Caligula|Caligula]]'s favourite watermelon. Fleming's fired the starting pistol so we can all start firing our ''actual'' pistols into her fucking fat unelectable smug head.
:'''Ollie:''' How...Is this it now?
:'''Malcolm:''' It's on. It's on like Fat Pat's thong. We're putting Nicola on a train today to Bradford. It's the closest as I could get to locking her in a metal box. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, this is the Here 2 Hear thing. What a great idea, going around the country listening to people tell you that they hate you, just in different accents. ''(In various accents)'' &quot;I fucking hate you.&quot; &quot;I hate you.&quot; &quot;I fucking hate you.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' So wait, today's the day?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Today's the day. Once she's on the train, I'm going to detonate the main bomb, but I need you to set one off later.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Malcolm, I'm in hospital, I'm not wearing any pants!  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if you've been dead for a year and playing cribbage with [[wikipedia:Jimmy_Savile|Jimmy fucking Savile]]. I want you to make a bomb and explode it, today.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(confused)'' This is a metaphorical bomb, right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is it, [[wikipedia:Jack_Bauer|Jack fucking Bauer]]. Time for you to embrace your inner bastard.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not going to exploit a suicide.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Come on, you can't look a gift corpse in the mouth, you should be taking that corpse and slapping the Government about the face with it. Bit of slap with Tickle, yeah?  
:'''Nicola:''' No, I'm not doing it, it's insensitive, as was that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Erm, John, maybe –  
:'''John Duggan:''' Please, call me JD, I've rebranded.  
:'''Nicola:''' Right. So John, if you could get us some drinks, that would be great.  
:'''John Duggan:''' Abso-dutely, I could murder a lager! It's all right drinking on trains, isn't it, it's one of those places where alcohol is acceptable at any time of day, like a casino, or Cardiff. That's not racist. I could have said Glasgow, or Dublin.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben''' ''(to two colleagues)'': Yeah, it's a [[wikipedia:Nigella_Lawson|Nigella]] recipe, you sort of do it with gammon and Coca-Cola. That's fantastic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, the hairless [[wikipedia:Rubeus_Hagrid|Hagrid]]. I need a private word.  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, we're kind of in the middle of something.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben's colleagues)'': I need you lot to make like a tree and go fuck yourselves.  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, we'll pick this up later.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben's empty desk)'': Oh I'm sorry, I can come back if you're – I didn't realise you were so fucking busy.  
:'''Ben:''' Well, I could do some work, but you know what, we're still gonna lose.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey. Don't be so grim, you big quim. You are the future of this party, yeah? You are the next generation. 
:'''Ben:''' And you're in its past, I mean – I don't really know why you're still here, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I just want to see this thing turn around, right? I can't leave while we're getting fucked in the polls, and we're getting fucked consistently and repeatedly like a horse in the fucking Hebrides.
:'''Ben:''' All very original observations, Malcolm MacIntucker, but what's the solution? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola has to go. Today. 
:'''Ben:''' Oh, right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You need to resign. 
:'''Ben:''' And challenge her for the leadership? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, no. No, that would be petty and self-interested. No. You are doing this for the greater good of the party. As Deputy Leader, Dan Miller will take over, and he can be anointed at a later date.  
:'''Ben:''' So, you want me to stick my cock in a fan so that Dan Miller can become the next Prime Minister? Well fuck you very much, Malcolm. What do ''I'' get out of this?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I would not ask you to do this for nothing, would I?  
:'''Ben:''' You might.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm asking you, because you're a big fucking beast. Which is why, when you come back, it'll be as Foreign Secretary.  
:'''Ben:''' And you mean Foreign Secretary, that isn't code for, like, Northern Ireland, I'm not fucking going there.  
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the proper Foreign Secretary, with all the perks. Fuck-off breakfasts at Dubai hotels. Tours of secret Russian sex yachts.  
:'''Ben:''' All right! All right, I'll do it. And you know what? I'd have done it for a lot less.
:'''Malcolm:''' I beg your pardon? 
:'''Ben:''' I'd have done it just to see the look on Nicola's face. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh. I've underestimated you. 
:'''Ben:''' ''(quite proud of himself)'' You have been out-maneuvered by a player. It happens. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well...didn't used to. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' God, this is absolutely ridiculous. We so should have sat separately in first!  
:'''Helen:''' You can't go in first class, it's career suicide. You might as well do a shit in the aisle.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Glenn Cullen is visiting Ollie Reeder in the hospital)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' So go on, then. How's life in Nazi HQ? Is it fun collaborating? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't start all that again. I got into government by accident. 
:'''Ollie:''' Speaking of which, how is Terri? 
:'''Glenn:''' She's entering her dog for ''Britain's Got Talent.'' 
:''(Ollie lets out a big laugh)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Look, what's the matter with you anyway? Please tell me you're looking for a bone marrow donor and that I'm your only hope. The answer would be no, by the way. 
:'''Ollie:''' Bad luck. No, it's an appendix out. Well, I hope it is. Since your lot took over the NHS, everything's a fucking adventure, isn't it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Look, all this is incredibly entertaining, Ollie. But you called me over in my lunch hour, and as you're fond of saying, I don't have many of them left. 
:'''Ollie:''' So you know all this stuff with Mr. Tickle?  
:'''Glenn:''' Sad business.  
:'''Ollie:''' Very sad business.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Mr. Sad is actually very very sad about it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. Mr. Happy, on the other hand: fucking delighted!  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah? Mr. Stoic's taking it on the chin.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes! Mr. Milk-it says we should probably stop this now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Okey doke.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola''' ''(returning to her seat)'': Right, wee mission accomplished.  
:'''John Duggan''': Actually, having an accurate wee into a moving train toilet would make a great round on ''[[wikipedia:The_Cube_(game_show)|The Cube]]'' with Phillip Schofield.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn''' ''(entering the toilet)'': Ollie, come on, this is my shittiest lunch break I've had since Stewart took us all out for sushi.  
:'''Ollie:''' Patience, old man, and you can watch the fuckpuppet master at work now. ''(calls Ben)'' Ben Swain! Benign tumour, Bental illness!  
:'''Ben:''' Ol– Oliver Cyst, Olivetti – Spaghet– I don't really have time for chit-chat, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' Are you resigning, mate, are you dropping the R-bomb? [[wikipedia:Enola_Gay|Benola Gay]]? I'm not just, er, talking about the rumours.  
:'''Ben:''' Let's just say it is time to prepare the hidey-hole for Madame Hussein, her reign of error is over.  
:'''Ollie:''' And out of interest, Ben, what would it take to stop you from resigning?  
:'''Ben:''' Why, what's Nicola offering?  
:'''Ollie:''' Name your price!  
:'''Ben:''' All right. Shadow Chancellor.  
:''(Ollie laughs. Glenn barely stops himself from doing so as well.)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Ah, you still got it, Benny.  
:'''Ben:''' I'm serious, stop fucking laughing.  
:'''Ollie:''' All right, I'll call you back. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Glenn:''' This is a fucking joke! Ben Swain, Chancellor? He goes into debt every time he passes a sweet shop!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his phone)'': What have you got for me, Professor Brian Cock?  
:'''Ollie:''' Ben small-balled it. Nicola's offered him Shadow Chancellor, he's not resigning. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ in a diamond heist, the dopey fucking bollard. Right, how are you getting on with the old man from ''[[Up (2009 film)|Up]]''?  
:''(Glenn is waiting outside the toilet)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, getting there.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, get a move on. I want him leaking like [[wikipedia:Cliff_Richard|Cliff Richard]] out jogging.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right. OK. I'll be right on it. ''(hangs up)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(entering Ben's office)'': Oh, here she is. [[wikipedia:Pippa_Middleton|Pippa Middleton]], trying to steal the limelight with your peachy little arse. Right, where are we?  
:'''Dan:''' Well, I've just offered Ben here Deputy Leadership of the party.  
:'''Ben:''' I don't want it. I want Chancellor.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(surprised)'': Chancellor? Of the United Kingdom?  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, it's what Nicola's offering me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you sure about this Ben, how's your economics?  
:'''Ben:''' Good, strong.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What, you're a [[wikipedia:Philosophy,_Politics_and_Economics|PPE]]-er guy?  
:'''Ben:''' No, History of Art, but –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh right, so you are confident that one day you will be able to shepherd this country out of one of the darkest economic periods in its entire fucking art history?  
:'''Ben:''' Look, at the moment, I hold all the cards, including the card that tells you how to play, so – so [[wikipedia:It_ain't_over_till_the_fat_lady_sings|it's over. The fat lady's singing]].  
:'''Malcolm:''' No she's not. The [[wikipedia:Wynne_Evans|fat man]] from the [[wikipedia:Gocompare.com|GoCompare]] adverts is talking.  
:'''Ben:''' This is tiger-by-the-tail time and I'm loving it, loving it, loving it!  
:'''Dan:''' Oh, in that case you leave me no option, Ben, I'm gonna have to say yes.  
:'''Ben:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:Chumbawamba|Chumba-fucking-wamba]]! Then I resign on the dotted line.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Can you give us a minute, Ben, please? Dan and I need to talk some strategy.  
:'''Ben:''' Might head in the direction of confection; any snack-age, anyone?  
:'''Dan:''' No, no.  
:''(Ben leaves)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this for real?  
:'''Dan:''' No, of course it's not for real, Malcolm. I'm offering him Chancellor, but I might as well be offering him bass player in [[wikipedia:The_Wurzels|The Wurzels]], because that burly haemorrhoid's getting nowhere near any fucking cabinet of mine.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Good, so how are you gonna shaft him?  
:'''Dan:''' That's not my problem. That's your problem, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, so this is a little test, is it, you're weighing my balls?  
:''(Dan nods and smiles.)''  
:'''Dan:''' Should we get Ben?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:I'll_be_back|he'll be back]]. Like the shit [[wikipedia:Terminator_(character)|Terminator]]. ''(Ben returns)'' There he is.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' I hereby tweet, 'I have resigned. More to follow.' Didn't seem that momentous.  
:'''Malcolm:''' How many followers have you got?  
:'''Ben:''' 612, or thereabouts.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ, well let's hope it gets retweeted, otherwise you might as well just whisper it to a fucking dead tramp.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is upset that she wasn't able to get support from a fellow politician in her party.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Fucking fibroid polyp bitch! I hope they sprout out of her abdomen and fucking choke her! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ben is preparing for his big announcement, but first, Malcolm wants to show Ben something on his cell phone.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' These phones are amazing, aren't they? I've got an [[wikipedia:Mobile_app|application]] here that can throw grenades into people's dreams.
:'''Ben:''' So, how do I look? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that your suit with the reinforced trouser arse on it, yeah? 
:'''Ben:''' Ha, very funny. What, a joke that I'm going to shit myself? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, it's because you're gonna need it for the 10 years you're gonna be sitting on the back benches. The e-mail trail about the key worker housing clearly shows that you, Benjamin Trevor Swain, were gleefully in favor of it, just like Nicola. 
:'''Ben:''' You've...Um...
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go. Break a leg, love. And your neck and your wrist. It doesn't really matter. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Nicola and Helen are on a train back to London, when Nicola realizes...)''
:'''Nicola:''' I never act on impulse. I'm so not impulsive. And Malcolm made me do it now, fuck! 
:'''Helen:''' What? 
:'''Nicola:''' Launching this inquiry may prove to be misguided in that I now recall I may have fleetingly supported the policy myself. 
:'''Helen:''' (in disbelief) So you've essentially launched an investigation into yourself.  
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm made me do it. 
:'''Helen:''' Oh, well, Malcolm, yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' You've met Malcolm. I would've said that it was ethically bad. 
:'''Helen:''' I'll tell you what you said, just give me a minute. ''(Helen scoffs)'' Brilliant. Courtesy of the ''Telegraph'' website. You said, &quot;Great revenue raiser, but I'm afraid it's a no-no because of my bloody husband.&quot; I'm sorry. Why would you do that? 
:'''Nicola:''' You remember all your e-mails, do you, that you sent three years ago? Because from what I understand from Ollie, a large number of them were sent to that married producer on the ''Daily Politics.'' 
:'''Helen:''' Ollie is a fucking...because...He was supposed to leave her and...
:''(Helen wants to come up with a better rescue plan.)''
:'''Helen:''' Okay, while we're on our way back to London, maybe we should make a list of the things, you know, you're for and against. Let's start with something simple. Animals in circuses? 
:'''Nicola:''' Tell you what. Why don't you make the little list and shove it up your tight, cold arse? I just need to stare. 
:'''Helen:''' Have a good stare. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(on the phone to Ollie)'' You are not going to try and talk me down off a ledge, are you? Because, I've got to tell you, I'm really tired and the pavement looks like a nice, warm, splatty bed right now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, come on, folks, gather round, grab your cheesy nachos and your fucking [[wikipedia:Vuvuzela|vuvuzelas]]: this is what we've all been waiting for, it's the Queen's fucking speech.  
:''(A few moments later, as Nicola begins her resignation speech...)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Come on, this is fucking history in the making, right, this is the ending of a chapter of a very thin book that nobody enjoyed reading.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' It has become apparent to me that I no longer have the full support of the party.
:'''Malcolm:''' You never had the support of the party, you big bag of fucking useless doubt.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Dan enters the room as Nicola concludes her speech.)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' And here he is, the anointed one!  
:''(Malcolm leads the room in applause)''  
:'''Dan:''' Oh – please, please, I'm not Christ. He was quite a scruffy man.

==Series 4, Episode 5==
:''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma are walking their way upstairs to their office. The news of Nicola Murray's resignation as Leader of the Opposition is being broadcast on TV.)''
:'''Phil:''' There she goes, a tiebreaker in the making. &quot;Who was Nicola Murray? I'll have to hurry you, teams.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Farewell, our shit and useless servant. 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, at least Miller's a step up from Murray. He doesn't have to write Left and Right on his wellies. 
:''(Meanwhile, Stewart is leading his team downstairs at their desks.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I need your attention for 30 of your earth seconds. ''This'' is what will happen.
:'''Phil:''' ''(looking downstairs)'' What the fuck is Stewart doing? 
:'''Stewart:''' You will go to the Z drive. You find a file entitled, &quot;Miller Ascension, Whitehall Arab Spring.&quot; Open, ingest, implement. And after that...''(While Stewart is talking to the team, he sees Peter, Phil and Emma upstairs and makes an &quot;I see you&quot; gesture towards them.)'' I expect both of you, you two...
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, fuck.
:'''Stewart:''' ...to get together...
:'''Peter:''' The man made of space hopper is coming this way.  
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma continue walking.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' This is gonna be about the inquiry. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' I'm thinking I should resign now. 
:''(Emma and Phil are stunned.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''WHAT?'' 
:'''Phil:''' No, you can't do that! You're [[wikipedia:Aslan|Aslan]]! No one shaves your mane! 
:'''Peter:''' I'm not a fucking lion, Phil. There's going to be an inquiry into the death of a man who died because of a policy I signed off on. We all know how this is going to end. I, I, I should take the dignified way out. 
:'''Emma:''' No, you've missed the dignified exit. That was straight away, basically. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(slumping his shoulders)'' Yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now talking about Fergus and Adam's Carer's Pass policy.)''  
:'''Peter:''' The only silver lining in today's cloud of farts is that another one of [[wikipedia:Morecambe and Wise|Morecambe and Wise]]'s policy launches is ruined. 
:'''Phil:''' Are those the carers? They don't look old enough. 
:'''Emma:''' Free travel passes or something. It's another one of Adam and Fergus's Pop-Up Book of Policies. 
:''(As Peter and his team stop by the carers, he politely greets them and shakes their hands.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Peter Mannion, lovely to meet you. What vital work you do. 
:'''Fergus:''' Peter, I'd love to introduce you to the carers...
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Fergus, flatly)'' I've just met them. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now trying to come up with a plan in Peter's office...)'' 
:'''Peter:''' What's my plan? I didn't resign, and now this inquiry's gonna nail me up like fucking [[wikipedia:Barabbas|Barabbas]]. 
:'''Phil:''' Actually, he was the one they let go. Shouldn't have, he's a criminal.  
:'''Emma:''' Wait...We could, we could wrong-foot Murray.
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, how?
:'''Emma:''' You could push for the inquiry to go wider.
:'''Phil:''' Wider? That's mental, we want to shut it down!
:'''Emma:''' No, shush! Just hear me out! We can look into the whole, the whole culture of PFI procurement.
:'''Phil:''' That is a good idea.
:'''Peter:''' Really?
:'''Phil:''' Fuck, that hurt to say! But she-she's right, because, um, Murray's husband's involved in PFI and he's as dodgy as a Russian, – as a Russian.
:'''Emma:''' We can backspin it, Peter, it's good.
:'''Peter:''' But, but is – is revenge a mature response? Let me think: Yes it is. Right, let's poke her in the PFIs.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart is now upstairs talking to more of the DoSAC personnel.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' If you get any channel problems, just swing them past the purple Power Ranger over here. (pointing to Terri)
:''(As Peter leaves his office, he sees the carers again.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Hello again. Vital, vital work, so proud of you. ''(Then Peter walks over to Terri.)'' Terri, I've got a job for you. 
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter, this is all pretty white-knuckle stuff, eh? Is it getting the old adrenaline pumping, assuming it can squeeze past the port and stilton –
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Shut the fuck up, you prancing shit. ''(to Terri)'' Uh, we need to widen the inquiry into Mr. Tickle's death to include the issue of PFI contracts. 
:'''Terri:''' Great. Okay, I'm just working on Fergus's Carers Pass press release...
:'''Peter:''' Aw, good. Could you fuck that to one side for the moment and concentrate on this? Yeah. 
:'''Stewart:''' Let's slip it into neutral for a moment here, Peter. We haven't got a green light from the PM yet, so let's not hit the accelerator. 
:'''Peter:''' Here's another way of looking at it: Let's. Goodbye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to party staff, ahead of Nicola's arrival)'': Right, stop rolling around naked in the headlines; [[wikipedia:Thinking_man's/woman's_crumpet|blind man's crumpet]]'s on the way up. If you're gonna film her on your phones, try not to make it obvious, and no smiling. Not even a wee fucking [[wikipedia:Anne_Robinson|Anne Robinson]], right? The look we're going for should be ''solemn respect'': you know, like blokes modelling underpants.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola Murray is trying to ask Dan Miller, the new Leader of the Opposition, NOT to go through with launching the inquiry.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' This inquiry, you know, it's not really necessary now, so if-if you want to say that, I'll just back down.
:'''Dan:''' ''(unmoved)'' An inquiry wouldn't be a bad thing. A clean break with the past in the minds of the electorate.
:'''Nicola:''' Well, I mean, the electorate, you know, like me. ''(chuckling)'' Quite a lot of them voted me leader, so...
:'''Dan:''' But you only beat me on a technicality. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. I mean the thing is, Dan, ''(Dan nods)'' you know, pragmatically, I'm now a party grandee – ''(Malcolm enters)'' Malcolm, this is a private conversation.
:''(Malcolm takes a chair and sits down.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' You are not a grandee, you are a fucking blandee. No one knew what the fuck you stood for. Political fucking mist. No substance, no weight. You've got all the charm of a rotting teddy bear by a graveside. By the way...women fucking hate you. I can show you the polling. They think you come across like a jittery mother at a wedding. The best thing you ever did in your flatlining non-leadership was call for an inquiry, because that will fuck the government and it will fuck ''you''. So now, please, just fuck off back to your home, you headless frump, and prepare for your column in ''[[wikipedia:Grazia|Grazia]]''.
:'''Dan:''' Steady on, Malcolm, that's a bit strong.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Come on, let's go. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, you, well...You just need to know that you have absolutely fucking done it now, Malcolm, because you are about to find out what it feels like to have me pissing in your tent. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know what? Your piss will never fucking make it into my tent, because by some unforeseen Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco, like every fucking Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco I've had to deal with for the last two years. you'll end up blowing your own fucking stream into your own fucking face. ''There's'' your golden handshake. 
:'''Nicola:''' Finished? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''You're'' finished.
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' We'll see. ''(to Dan)'' Right, well, thanks, Dan. Think about what I said. Also might want to think about the fact there should be an apostrophe in &quot;its&quot; ''(pointing to the &quot;Its Miller Time&quot; sign)'' Illiterate fuckers. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Adam is at Fergus's computer in their office. Adam is showing Fergus an article that will help Fergus distance himself from Peter in the Tickel scandal.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Bingo. We just need to leak it. You saying, &quot;Key worker housing sell-off is possibly the worst idea since the invention of theatre.&quot; 
:'''Fergus:''' Does that give us enough distance from Mannion? 
:'''Adam:''' Oh yeah. This is your Get Out of Jail Free card strapped to a fucking jetpack. We just need to leak it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, obviously it can't look like it came from us. 
:'''Adam:''' Maybe it's time to bring Glenn back into the hub. He's been out on a limb since punk, hasn't he? 
:'''Fergus:''' Thousand-year-old Glenn Fiddich? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. Fucking perfect, he'll love it. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn, meanwhile, is in his office, trying to contact Ollie.)'' 
:'''Glenn''' ''(on the phone)'': Ollie, look, I'm feeling very exposed here. I've got my cock out, it's covered in breadcrumbs and the fucking pigeons are circling. Look, please, just-just ring me back.
:''(Suddenly, Fergus and Adam enter Glenn's office.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Mr. Cullen. We would like you to leak -- ''(pretending to be a magician)'' Wow! This. ''(Adam shows Glenn a [[wikipedia:USB flash drive|USB flash drive]].)'' Don't worry, nothing major, just an email that puts a bit of distance between Fergus and the Tickle affair. 
:'''Glenn:''' What, I go from being a turnip to a leak? Still a fucking vegetable to you, though, eh? 
:'''Fergus:''' You wanna bring Mannion down a peg or 12, don't you, Glenn? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, of course I do. The up his arse Kensington Butcher. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(pointing to the USB flash drive)'' Well, this is the cyanide capsule we'd like you to break into his afternoon brandy. 
:'''Fergus:''' This is it, Glenn. You're off the bench, back on the pitch to score the golden goal in extra time. Come on, mate! 
:'''Adam:''' Pick it up. 
:''(After some thought...)''
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck it. Why not? I'll do it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Good man. Thank you.
:''(Fergus offers to shake Glenn's hand, but Glenn's still a bit, uh, sore...)''
:'''Glenn:''' I don't need to shake your hand.  
:'''Fergus:''' All right. Touchy, but not feely. 
:'''Glenn:''' Just go. I'll just have a look at it. 
:''(As they leave Glenn's office. Fergus and Adam give each other celebratory fist bumps.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' You are a brilliant bullshitter. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, two years doing press for npower, it never leaves you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn sneaks into Terri's office to leak the email from her computer while nobody else is looking. But as he's getting ready to do the deed, Glenn's caught by -- who else? -- Terri.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Glenn! ''(beat)'' What are you doing at my computer? 
:'''Glenn:''' I-I'm just doing Bradford &amp; Bingley a favor. I'm bringing down Mannion by leaking an email. 
:'''Terri:''' A leak? C-Coming from my computer? No. No, get off, get off. ''(pointing to the computer)'' Take that...that, the whatever it is out of the...whatever it is. Take it. Out. 
:'''Glenn:''' No one will think it's you. Nobody leaks from their own computer. Look, you do this for me and I'll make sure that you get the full severance package, no questions asked, with full pension. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(tempted)'' And a lump sum? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, I guess, yeah. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(whispering)'' The thing is, Glenn, I've got -- I've got my eye on a tea shop near Ludlow. Without a lump sum, no tea shop, no can do. 
:'''Glenn:''' Okay, right. This can go straight to Geoffrey at ''The Guardian.'' 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. 
:'''Terri:''' Can we do it together? 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Terri:''' Please? Just your hand on mine and my hand on yours, just do it together. Like, erm...
:'''Glenn:''' Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, okay. 
:'''Glenn:''' Not that I'm saying you're butch. 
:'''Terri:''' No, of course not. 
:''(And with that, Glenn and Terri lock hands on the computer mouse...)'' 
:'''Glenn &amp; Terri:''' One, two, three... 
:''(They click the mouse.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Just send the email. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma arrive at Stewart's office at Number 10. Stewart is preparing a &quot;whiteboard session&quot;...much to Peter's annoyance.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Team Peter. Come on, guys, let's take a little imagination stroll through a virtual inquiry, yeah? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, dear God, not another whiteboard session. I've-I've got a note from my mother, I have a verruca. 
:'''Stewart:''' Just wanna get an overview, Peter, yeah? A helicopter shot of where we currently are. Who's most to blame in the blame garden. Okay, the onion is PFI. Let's peel back some layers. Murray resignation, how do we feel about that? 
:'''Peter:''' What's &quot;Tickle's M Records&quot;?  
:'''Stewart:''' Medical, it's his leaked medical records. 
:'''Peter:''' Leaked? I-I-I thought they were common knowledge. 
:'''Stewart:''' Well, they are now, because they have been leaked. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Did you know about this? 
:'''Emma:''' Well, yeah, Number 10 knew, so I-I knew, yeah. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' What about you? 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, I-I thought Tickle leaked them himself. 
:'''Stewart:''' Who would voluntarily leak their own medical records? You'd have to be mad to do that. 
:'''Peter:''' He ''was'' mad, that's precisely what his records said. 
:'''Phil:''' Exactly. You know, he was a male nurse. That's not just mad, that's mental. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(taken aback)'' Oh, Phil! Did the last 30 years only happen to other people? 
:'''Peter:''' Why didn't I know about this? Leaking medical records ''is'' illegal. Well, I-I -- Now I look guilty and incompetent. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(writing on the whiteboard)'' Ah! Peter, incompetent. 
:'''Peter:''' Look! Don't write that down! I'm not on your sodding onion! 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(continuing writing)'' What is GFU? Good for us. Mmm? 
:'''Emma''' ''(looking at her phone)'': Oh, shit with a capital SHIT! We've got to go.  
:'''Phil:''' Great! ''(stands up)''  
:'''Stewart:''' Hey, no no no no no no no, sit.  
:'''Emma:''' ''The Guardian'' have received an email from Fergus – actually, do you know, strike that, a ''chain'' of emails – Oh, perfect, with all of our comments about Mr. Tickle underneath.
:'''Phil:''' Oh God, not-not the one where we all piled in with the ''[[w:Mr. Men|Mr. Men]]'' jokes?  
:'''Emma:''' Yes, yes. That one, Phil.  
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, you kid me!  
:'''Phil:''' Oh, Jesus!  
:'''Emma:''' I kid you not!  
:'''Peter:''' Oh my giddy fuck.  
:''(They all run back to DoSAC while reading the emails on their phones.)''  
:'''Emma:''' They've leaked all the bloody emails: 'Mr. Tickle sounds like a gropey clown at a kids' party'.  
:'''Peter:''' I can't see! Can I make it bigger?  
:'''Phil:''' Go to Settings. 'Poor ickle Mr. Tickle, perhaps he's mentally sickle.' Must be Fergus.  
:'''Peter:''' Is this Settings? Oh, I think I've just taken a picture of my feet! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Erm... Glenn is in reception.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hoddle? Miller? Close? Morangie?
:'''Ollie:''' Cullen. Glenn Cullen is in reception.
:'''Malcolm:''' Glenn?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' Why are you even fucking telling me that? When the Queen's butler finds a cockroach in the pantry, he just stamps on it.
:'''Ollie:''' Yes...
:'''Malcolm:''' She doesn't even know!
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. Okay! I'll go stamp on the cockroach, Malcolm.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, hey! Shouldn't you be in bed?
:'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you not be here?! Whoa, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! You can't go up there.
:'''Glenn:''' No, I have to. I ''can't'' go back over there, it's like ''[[w:Alien vs. Predator (franchise)|Alien vs. Predator]]''! 
:'''Ollie:''' Glenn!
:'''Glenn:''' I want back in! Here!
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, everybody is... tremendously appreciative of what you've done. It was a noble sacrifice, but--
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean, &quot;sacrifice&quot;? I thought we had a deal! &quot;Sacrifice&quot; sounds very one-sided.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, &quot;piss off&quot; sounds one-sided, but there we go-- ''(Malcolm arrives and pushes him aside)'' Hey! M-Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Why is he still here? Can you not perform a simple task? When there is a shit on your doorstep, you hose it off.
:'''Ollie:''' Right.
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't try to talk it into leaving of its own volition.
:'''Glenn:''' I got rid of Nicola for you, you owe me!
:'''Malcolm:''' I owe you? Your act of treachery wiped the slate clean. [[Rudolf Hess]]'s fucking senile older brother.
:'''Glenn:''' Look, I know you think I screwed up, but I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' You, my friend, you don't exist to me anymore, I can't even fucking hear you.
:'''Glenn:''' Do you want me to beg? Is-Is that it? Because I -- Because I will.
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, [[Mary, Queen of Scots|Mary, Queen of fucking Shits]]: in the old days we would've just slit you up the middle like a fucking Cornish [[wikipedia:Pasty|pasty]], hanged your steaming entrails all around the Tower of fucking London! Catch you later, you fucking traitor! ''(turns to Sam, who has appeared on the stairs)'' Sam, what is it?  
:'''Sam:''' It's a call from Stewart Pearson.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes the phone from Sam)'' Stewart Pearson. ''(to Glenn)'' I'm the fucking wankers' lodestone today. ''(answers the phone, walking away)'' Stewart. Yes, [[wikipedia:Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy|the goatee-bearded guru-boy of Company B]].
:'''Ollie:''' It's a no, Glenn.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart and Malcolm are having a not-so-friendly chat on their cell phones.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, Malcolm, can this wait? Hmm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Word is the PM's considering an inquiry into the culture of leaking. 
:'''Stewart:''' No, no. Do you really think he's going to invite everyone into our complex network of secret little burrows? Open up the whole of Watership Down? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Okay, Bright Eyes. I'm massively fucking reassured. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, you may as well have an inquiry into gravity. Now I have to go, Malcolm, because I've got like a whole country to govern, yeah? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(As Peter, Phil and Emma are coming back to the office, Terri runs up to Peter to beg his forgiveness for the leaking of the chain of emails.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Peter)'' The primary thing I want to say, first and foremost, is that you can't blame me for this. Peter. If-If anything, it's the culture of blame that's to blame for this. 
:''(Peter and his team walk past Terri and, yet again, pass the carers along the way.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers, smiling)'' Great to see you again. Such crucial work you do. ''(to Phil and Emma, angrily)'' Meeting room! 
:''(Team Peter finally make their way into the meeting room.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' Right, ''SIT DOWN!'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As soon as Team Peter enters the meeting room and close the door, Peter really lays into Phil and Emma.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' I can't resign, and I'm not gonna resign. I had the perfect moment to resign, which was right early on, when I could have resigned in a dignified and statesman-like way, and you both advised me not to resign. So now, I can't resign. 
:''(Phil and Emma agree with Peter's decision not to resign.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(still composing himself)'' What's gonna happen is this. One of you has got to go. I want both of you to give me reasons why you shouldn't resign. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(stunned)'' Er, because...because I'm a, a Special Advisor to a...senior cabinet minister. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(while Phil's talking)'' That's a job description, Philip. That's a job description. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(unimpressed)'' That's not a reason. That's just your job -- from which I'm asking you why you shouldn't resign. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(struggling)'' I know everything about you. I am a, a world expert in-in-in Peter Mannion from, uh, PIN number to inside leg measurement. I, I'm-I'm there, um, you know...
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's his inside leg measurement? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' 34. ''(to Peter)'' I've given you everything, Peter, you can't...I mean, I-I don't have anything else, that's the point. I don't, I don't have any friends, I don't have any life, I haven't had sex for five years and I don't even enjoy it, so...you know, I'm not gonna get anyone pregnant. I'm never gonna get anyone pregnant, okay? You know, I'm fucking seedless. Whereas she's just, just a fucking baby bomb, okay? 
:'''Emma:''' Phil, you are just a...
:'''Phil:''' And she's gonna go off all over the office and-and leave you! I'm gonna be here! 
:''(And THEN, to make matters worse for Peter, Terri barges into the meeting room!)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but my-my good name is at stake here.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, Christ...
:'''Terri:''' Peter, you must understand. I am an innocent woman. I'm the DoSAC One. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(fed up)'' That's it! I've had enough! I've had enough of all of you! You're all shit! I'm gonna sort it out by myself! 
:''(Peter leaves the meeting room...but now he's trying to outrun Terri.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' I can't bear that you think about me like this. 
:'''Peter:''' Don't follow me, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' Please...
:'''Peter:''' Stop following me. 
:'''Terri:''' I insist. I insist. I insist, Peter, please...
:'''Peter:''' All right, Terri! I admit it, I'm in love with you! Now fuck off back to your office and organize the wedding! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And now, Fergus and Adam are celebrating what seems to be a triumphant victory.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(happily)'' Mannion goes [[wikipedia:Mel Gibson|Mel Gibson]]. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(chuckling)'' Spot it. 
:''(Fergus and Adam celebrate with a fist bump.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' You know, you know what you've done? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah? 
:'''Fergus:''' You, you, you have bought a fan, you plugged it in, you turned it on, you turned the dial up to maximum. 
:'''Adam:''' It wasn't a weak fan, it wasn't one of those office fans. It was a Dyson. And I stood the other side of it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Did a liquid shit on it. 
:'''Adam:''' Trousers down. 
:'''Fergus:''' And where did the shit go? 
:''(Adam imitates an explosion.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' All over Mannion. 
:''(But then, Fergus's cell phone chimes...)'' 
:'''Adam:''' That's just priceless. 
:'''Fergus:''' Fuck, hang on...
:'''Adam:''' What?
:'''Fergus:''' Um, check the fucking emails. 
:'''Adam:''' What are you talking about? 
:'''Fergus:''' What the fuck did you give to Glenn? 
:'''Adam:''' ''(checking the computer)'' Well, it was just the email, just the...
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but it's the whole -- We're on the email. 
:'''Adam:''' Oh, fucking hell...
:''(Fergus and Adam are now starting to panic.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' Why did you, why did you leave us on the-on the dongle? 
:'''Adam:''' Because he's only supposed to send the fucking top part of it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Why did you give him the choice? 
:'''Adam:''' Because an email has a chain, Fergus, it has a fucking chain that goes all the way down! 
:'''Fergus:''' Adam, there is now shit all over me! How come there is shit on me? Thanks, Adam! 
:'''Adam:''' Look, it's not my fucking fault! He's supposed to redact it! 
:'''Fergus:''' I just wanted one solid shit to go in one direction! Not [[wikipedia:Madras_curry_sauce|Madras]] fucking everywhere!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus and Adam are now going after Glenn.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Hey! [[w:2000 Year Old Man|2000 Year Old Man]]! Why the FUCK did you send the whole email?! Huh?! You were supposed to redact it, send the top email, not the whole fucking exchange! JESUS CHRIST ON A CRYSTAL METH BINGE!  
:'''Glenn:''' Terri and I sent what you gave me.
:'''Adam:''' ''(in hysterical disbelief)'' ''Terri?! Why the fuc–'' THE ONLY REASON I'D EVER ASK TERRI FOR HELP IS TO ''SHOOT'' ME IF I EVER ASKED TERRI FOR HELP!
:'''Glenn:''' Same reason you gave it to me: distance! TWO PEOPLE, TWICE THE DISTANCE!
:'''Fergus:''' BUT TERRI DOESN'T GIVE US ANY DISTANCE! TERRI GIVES ME A TWITCH, ''(points to his eye)'' RIGHT HERE! YEAH, LAUGH IT UP, GLENN, BUT I'VE GOT A TWITCH, ''CALLED TERRI!''
:'''Terri:''' ''(from behind a book shelf, voice cracking)'' I am actually here, you know!
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, and that, in a nutshell, is the whole fucking problem!
:''(Fergus storms off, Adam follows.)''
:'''Adam:''' ''(singsong)'' Fuck you very much! ''(to the carers, who have witnessed the entire exchange)'' Five minutes, guys, yeah?
:'''The Carers:''' ''(moaning)'' Thanks. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(quietly to Glenn)'' Glenn...what about my tea shop? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(sarcastically)'' It got closed! There's been a murder! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' An inquiry into all of leaking, all of leaking! We are so ''–'' We are so screwed! 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's done it. That chinless horse-fiddler. Our fuck-lustrious PM has opened Pandora's fucking Box, and curled a massive steamer right into it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' In the time it has taken for Terri to extract herself from her Bluetooth, this little inquiry has fused! It is now growing faster than the speed of bloody light! It's not gonna be something that we can see ''from'' space, IT'S GOING TO ''BE'' SPACE! [[w:Brian Cox (physicist)|BRIAN COX]] IS GONNA PHONE ME, AND ASK FOR THE FILM RIGHTS!
:'''Peter:''' BUT WHAT LEAK, WHAT LEAK, ''WHAT FUCKING LEAK?!''
:'''Stewart:''' ANYTHING! If I find out that ''anyone'' from here has leaked ''anything'', I will make sure they have to emigrate after this to a country where they don't speak English, and there's no Internet!  
:'''Peter:''' But every-everyone who leaked anything, that would fill the fucking Caspian Sea, we're just a drop in the ocean here!  
:'''Stewart:''' No, no, no, what you are, Peter, is Leak Zero! It started here! You have presided over a shambolic showering of info! Peter Mannion, 'Singing in the Rain'! ''(mobile rings)'' Oh, Christ. ''(answers)'' Hello, Malcolm!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, was this your idea? Because I don't remember signing any suicide pact.  
:'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, look, I'm as shocked about this as you are.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. You sound ''really'' shocked, you big fucking spunk lolly.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, look, I don't even know what that is. But I, you know, I think we all need time to, to process this data, yep?
:''(Fergus and Adam burst in)''  
:'''Fergus:''' WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!  
:'''Adam:''' ''(restraining Fergus)'' All right, Fergus. ''(calmly)'' What the fuck is going on?
:'''Phil:''' [[w:Raiders of the Lost Ark|The Ark has been opened, and your face is gonna melt!]]
:'''Emma:''' There's gonna be an inquiry.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Have I just stepped through a portal into a sausage machine? Because this is making mincemeat of my head. [[wikipedia:It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)|It's the end of the world as we know it]]. To paraphrase a popular fucking [[wikipedia:The Bangles|Bangles]] song. 
:'''Ollie:''' It was, erm...It was [[wikipedia:R.E.M.|R.E.M.]] 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't start contradicting me on that kind of shit. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is trying to talk to Ollie about the importance of leaking in the governmental system.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Leaking is a fundamental component of our governmental system! If a government can't leak, do you know what happens? Dark shit builds up, and then ''–'' it ''bursts!'' And that's something you don't want to see! You think your appendix was bad?  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the gift that's gonna go on giving, believe you me. So you'd better keep your head down. And I don't mean just when you're frequenting your favorite glory holes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Yeah, well...Whereas ''your'' closet is ''completely'' free of skeletons, isn't it, Malcolm? 'Cause you've buried them in a landfill in Essex. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' When this inquiry lands, you'd better have developed a very flat, stony face with no expression. But that'll be easy for you: it's your fucking cum face, isn't it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(Malcolm wants Ollie to visit Nicola at her home)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Just go and stop her doing anything mental, right? Which, given that she thought she could be Prime Minister, the parameters for mental are about as wide as your mother's legs when the fleet's in town.  
:'''Ollie:''' All right, if I'm doing this for you, can we have a bit more respect for my mother, please? Those sailors get lonely.  
:'''Malcolm:''' This is some of my best stuff, and it's being ignored.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, what does that tell you?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' But I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm, I'm supplicating here; I'm a supplicant, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, unfortunately, that ship has sailed, hit a fucking iceberg, sunk, and [[wikipedia:Julian_Fellowes|Julian Fellowes]] has written [[wikipedia:Titanic_(2012_miniseries)|a fucking shit drama]] about it.

==Series 4, Episode 6==
:''(This is the opening scene of this episode. Welcome to the Goolding Inquiry.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' This is an inquiry into the death of Mr. Douglas Tickel. And the practice and culture of the dissemination of confidential information between political parties and the public media. Mr. Weir. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, thank you, Lord Goolding. Um, our first witness today is, uh, is Mr. Stewart Pearson. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart Pearson is ready to testify before the Goolding Inquiry Committee. He takes the oath, but politely declines to put his hand on the Bible.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the Bible holder)'' No, that's, er, it's fine. ''(taking the oath)'' Yeah. Um, I, Stewart Pearson, do sincerely declare and affirm that the evidence I shall give will be the truth, the whole truth and, and nothing but, uh, the truth. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' On page, uh, 235 of your, your witness statement...uh, you describe yourself as the, the &quot;Human Rooter&quot; in government. Can you, uh, can you explain what you meant by that? 
:'''Stewart:''' Um, I'm a...a &quot;router,&quot; in the sense that I control the governmental informational ingestion and egestion process. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Pearson, just to clarify, your job is -- is to make sure that the public perception of your government's program is a positive one, is that fair? 
:'''Stewart:''' It's not about perception, yeah? I believe in government as a transceiver, mmm? 
:'''Simon Weir:''' A transceiver? 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really important, yeah, sure, to give out a, uh, a strong signal, but you -- to be effective, you've got to listen for an echo.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Could you possibly speak in plain English? 
:'''Stewart:''' I'm sorry, I, I...I thought, I thought I was. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So what-what is clear is that you are an important man, Mr. Pearson. 
:'''Stewart:''' I'm just a lad from Leeds with a lust for life, yeah? Um...there's an, uh, an African proverb that's, that's stuck with me, yeah? &quot;If you think you're too small to make a difference, you've never spent a night with a mosquito.&quot; 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So...part of your job is to make sure that the government's message gets across clearly? Is that right? 
:'''Stewart:''' That's correct. And despite the sarcasm marinating in that question, I'm very successful in that endeavor. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(correcting Stewart)'' No, there was no sarcasm intended at all, Mr. Pearson. 
:'''Stewart:''' Sorry, I must have misread your face. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, does your job intrude on your home life? 
:'''Stewart:''' No. No, when I, when I close the front door, I'm...I'm no longer Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' When you...
:'''Stewart:''' I mean, I mean when I close it from the, from the inside. You know, right. When I close it from the outside, then...then I very much am Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So who are you at home? 
:'''Stewart:''' Uh, I'm a husband, I'm a -- pardon me, a lover, I'm a carpenter, I'm a cook, I'm a flautist. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' A...
:'''Stewart:''' A flautist. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Right. 
:'''Stewart:''' I play the flute. And I dabble on the Irish bodhrán. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, and would you like to express any, uh, remorse for Mr. Tickel's death? What would you like to say to his family? 
:'''Stewart:''' Uh, I would like to offer them maximum respect, you know? And maximum remorse. And maximum assurance that Mr. Tickel did not die in vain. We're here. You know? How can we make the government and the media inclusive without being intrusive? Yeah? And if we can answer that, at least we can make sure that there are no more Mr. Tickels. ''(Stewart corrects himself)'' I mean--I mean that not in the sense of, you know, wiping out the Tickel family name. I mean it in the sense that nothing like this will ever happen again. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Hello, Mr. Pearson. Tab 28 in your bundle there, page 263. ''(Both turn to that page in their folders.)'' A paper that you presented in 2006, 'The Iconography of Consensus.' Would you care to summarize the argument you present there? 
:'''Stewart:''' Sure, yeah, the main thrust –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Bearing in mind Lord Goolding's desire for plainness and clarity.  
:'''Stewart:''' Right. Okay. I, um, hypothesise that – Sorry. I ''say'' that the design structure for a parliamentary democracy should be that of the [[wikipedia:Centre_Georges_Pompidou|Pompidou Centre]]: Morally and structurally explicit and open, a porous membrane.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Maybe just a little bit plainer, Mr. Pearson?  
:'''Stewart:''' People should know, er, what politicians are doing.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Brilliant.  
:'''Stewart:''' Thanks.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Government should be porous?  
:'''Stewart:''' Yes.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' But not leaking. 
:'''Stewart:''' Come on, if someone is determined to leak information, there's nothing that anyone can do about that.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' So as Director of Communications, you are unable to prevent sensitive material being communicated to journalists?  
:'''Stewart:''' If someone chokes on a packet of crisps, do you issue an arrest warrant for [[wikipedia:Gary Lineker|Gary Lineker]]?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, is it fair to say that you have in fact changed nothing, and government communications carries on exactly as they did before, by leaks and whispers?  
:'''Stewart:''' No, it is not fair to say that.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In fact, because you disapprove and ''condemn'' these practices, are they not more covert and more hidden and more secret than ever before?
:'''Stewart:''' I think that is-is also an unreasonable assertion.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In spite of your desire to create a political Pompidou Centre, Mr. Pearson, haven't you created the opposite, [[wikipedia:Centre_Point|Centre Point]]? I mean, everybody sees it looming over them but nobody has the faintest idea what happens in there.  
:'''Stewart:''' ''(calmly, but sarcastically)'' I think there's some kind of club on the top floor.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So, Mr. Pearson, have you identified the source of the leak of Mr. Tickel's records?  
:'''Stewart:''' No, no.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked yourself?  
:'''Stewart:''' No. No, I was over that pre-Britpop.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Do you have any idea where the leak might have come from?  
:'''Stewart:''' Well, you know, if this was ''[[CSI: Miami]]'', I guess we'd be looking for the person who'd have most to gain from the leak being made public.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, despite your shirt, this isn't ''CSI: Miami''. Who do you think would benefit most from the leak?  
:'''Stewart:''' Well, I guess I'd be sending [[wikipedia:David_Caruso|David Caruso]] knocking on the door of Mr. Malcolm Tucker.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Malcolm Tucker takes his turn with the Goolding Inquiry.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Can I ask you, &quot;How would you describe yourself?&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Uh, I'm, uh, a media strategist. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' So you would be Stewart Pearson's opposite number? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, uh, I'd be Stewart Pearson's opposite in every possible way, I think. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You have a lot of control and power over your party, don't you? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(laughs slightly)'' I wish, yes. Uh, no. I think that that's been overstated. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So this reputation you have as an enforcer, that's completely misrepresenting you, is it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's baloney. Politicians who have to do things that they don't want to do, such as resign, uh...Because they've been caught with their fingers in the till, or, you know, with their knickers up a flagpole or whatever, they sometimes...It's very convenient for them to have a boogeyman. &quot;Malcolm made me do it.&quot; Well, I didn't make them do it. These are people who just find themselves stuck in a room with one exit and I simply show them the door. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I've highlighted some quotes: The ''Guardian'': 'Malcolm Tucker has the physical demeanour and the political instincts of a ''Velociraptor''.&lt;nowiki/&gt;'  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, the ''Guardian'', the newspaper that hates newspapers.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''Telegraph''.  
:'''Malcolm:''' The ''Telegr-arse''.  
:'''Baroness Sureka'''&lt;nowiki/&gt;''':''' 'Tucker's writ runs through the lifeblood of Westminster like ''r''&lt;nowiki/&gt;''aw alcohol'', at once cleansing and&lt;nowiki/&gt; corroding.' The ''Times'': 'If you&lt;nowiki/&gt; make eye contact with Malcolm Tucker, you have spilled his pint.' The ''Spectator'': '[[wikipedia:Iago|Iago]] with a BlackBerry'; I mean, you're saying these quotes are, what, misguided?
:'''Malcolm:''' The ''Spect-hater''. Erm, no, I'm saying that you are not – you're taking these out of context, you're not contextualising these. If you were to&lt;nowiki/&gt; put them into a perspective, if you were to place them into the landscape, you would see that there might be a lot of axes being ground here. I don't see the difference between what you have just done and a leak, by the way.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, the difference is that what I've just read out was not obtained illegally.  
:'''Malcolm:''' How do you know that? You don't know &lt;nowiki/&gt;what confidences have been breached in order to form these ''opinions'', for that is what they are.  
:'''Ba'''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''roness Sureka:''' So you accept leaking as part and parcel of the political media machinery?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I mean, if you didn't have leaking, the newspapers would just be full of long-lens bikini shots and adverts for sheds and offers to buy three pairs of trousers for a tenner, et cetera, it's just – it's the way it is. Big deal, no one dies.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' One person ''did'' die, Mr. Tucker.
:''(Malcolm simply gives a &quot;so be it&quot; look.)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Would you tell us how it works? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, you do me a favor, I do you a favor, yeah? 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' And what might you expect in return? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Anything. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, a [[wikipedia:Kit Kat|Kit Kat]], you might get -- I've had a Kit Kat. I've had a, uh, a big meal. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Well, I mean, could you give us an example of what you mean? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(going through his notes)'' Um...Well, yes. I...This is the ''Daily Mirror.'' And I could get drummed out of the Magic Circle for showing you this. Anyway, this is the ''Daily Mirror'' about the &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot;, uh, policy of, uh, Mrs. Nicola Murray. ''(Malcolm shows the inquiry committee a picture of the &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot; headline.)'' I was there that day. You can't see me, because I've been cropped out here. But this information here, I made sure that those notes were in that place, that they were available, and that the picture editor, uh, knew where to find them. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Sorry, I'm just trying to...trying to get this clear. Was Mrs. Murray not the subject of huge derision as a result of this? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Uh, no, she was a subject of huge derision before this. 
:''(Chuckles emanate from the gallery.)'' 
:'''Simon Weir:''' You were trying to undermine the leader of your party? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(putting away the picture)'' I was...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you, would you say you were a loyal man, Mr. Tucker? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm loyal, yes. I'm loyal to my party. And, uh, I feel that Mrs. Murray's policies were turning the party into -- I don't know if you've seen those calendars that have got pictures of dogs that are dressed up, and they've got little dresses and hats on. She was turning my party into that, she was humiliating my party. So I thought it was absolutely vital to focus the public's attention onto that. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' And yet you maintain that you had great -- I don't know, what, respect for Mrs. Murray as a person. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, she was a great laugh occasionally, great dancer, she's got terrific hair. She did a good job at DoSAC. A much better job than her successor, who, let's not forget, was playing on a slide when the news of Mr. Tickle's...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Yeah, thank you.
:'''Malcolm:''' ...death came out. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, we're well-versed in the events surrounding the...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' ...the death of Mr. Tickel. ''(beat)'' So, tell me, the PFI email that, uh, led to the, to the resignation of Nicola Murray. Did you, did you engineer that? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes a long pause...)'' No. No. ''(beat)'' No I didn't. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' And, uh, the leaking of Mr. Tickel's health records? Do I mean, do I detect your hand in-in that, for instance? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no no. Look, politics is a war. And politicians, sometimes they lose idealogical limbs, right? They get media shrapnel right in the face. Sometimes they get a bullet right in the brain. Civilians, no. There is no way that I would ever attack a civilian, a real person, and especially not somebody with a history of mental illness. Because ''that'' sort of thing -- makes me queasy. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' So you're a &quot;ethical&quot; leaker, if you will? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I use leaking to show up corruption, to show up hypocrisy, to show up idiocy, and also the fourth horseman of the political apocalypse, duplicity. For instance: Fergus Williams. He's coming up next, right? 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is a guy, he's a member of the junior party in this coalition, right? This guy has already opened a private channel to Dan Miller, the Leader of the Opposition. In order to talk about possibly setting up a coalition with him, because he knows very well that this coalition government that he is lumbered with is being torn to pieces like a bread stick at a picnic. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(very upset)'' Mr. Tucker, you have just used this inquiry to commit a leak in front of us! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I have not committed a leak. Everybody in Westminster knows that these talks have taken place, everyone. You're supposed to be investigating this. You're supposed to be discovering this stuff. Now you cannot not know what I or anyone else tell you, right, you can't not know that. You cannot not know what you now know.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Tucker, are you familiar with the rules of association football? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I understand that if you're gonna have an affair, you'd better take precautions, like getting a superinjuction. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(sternly)'' I ask you, because this is me giving you a yellow card. You are not to use this inquiry to score political points. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I'm, I apologize.  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus Williams takes his turn giving testimony in front of the inquiry.)'' 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Did you see Mr. Malcolm Tucker's evidence earlier? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, yeah, I-Uh, uh, I saw it out of the, out of the corner of my eye. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you like me to read what he said about you? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, no, that's fine, that was the bit that I saw. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Embarrassing, I imagine? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(emabarrassed, but gathering himself)'' Uh, no, not at all. It was, um, almost, uh, flattering, yeah...uh, to get, uh, to get &quot;Tuckered.&quot; It's a, it's a rite of passage in-in-in, in politics. Happens to all of us. It's, you know, it's like when you're in a Russian jail, you get your face tattooed. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Tucker mentioned meetings between you and the Leader of the Opposition. Did these take place? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(after a pause)'' They did, yes. Er, myself and, uh, Adam were part of a team who had very general, noncommittal discussions with, amongst others, Mr. Miller. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' And you discussed a potential future coalition with his party and the removal of your own party leader, is that correct? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(taken aback)'' Sorry, could I possibly answer that question with another question? I mean, not that question I'm just asking, but a further question? 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Go on. 
:'''Fergus:''' You do realise that ''you're'' being spun here, you do see that?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Spun?  
:'''Fergus:''' 'Cause, you know, Malcolm Tucker's not your common or garden spin doctor, right? No, he's the-he's...he's the chief medical officer of spin – he is Spinoza, you see? So he, he didn't come here in order to answer your questions, he came here in order to get ''you'' to then ask ''his'' questions.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Yeah, right, Mr. Williams, I don't want you to answer a question with another question, I want you to answer it with an answer.  
:'''Fergus:''' I mean, he's conducting you like, um – Goldie.
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Did you talk to Mr. Miller about removing your party leader? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Sorry, are you getting Tucker's questions sort of beamed straight into your brain? 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(firmly)'' Mr. Williams. 
:''(A short time later...)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Finally, um, on the subject of frustration, would you say it's difficult to steer policy ideas through your department? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(stumbling in his testimony)'' Uh, yes, there are, uh...blockages. Uh, there is one person in particular and, well, you know, I don't want to identify her -- or him, if she was a man. Uh, but this particular person, uh, is rather inept and has hampered a lot of our initiatives. And she, or her, or him is, um...very difficult to remove. And so she's a, he is a...they are a stubborn blockage, shall we say, like, you know, when you get hair and soap in a-in a-in a plughole with skin flakes.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reassuring)'' Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Williams. That's, that's fine. 
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry, can I just say...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' We are very pressed for time, I'm afraid. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but I really didn't want the last thing I said...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm sorry. 
:'''Fergus:''' ...to be &quot;skin flakes.&quot;
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Peter Mannion is discussing Douglas Tickel with the Goolding Inquiry.)''  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, when did you first become aware of, uh, Mr. Tickel? 
:'''Peter:''' When he became the only, um, key worker to refuse our offer of alternative accommodation. Uh, then he sort of dropped off my radar. The next thing I knew he was sewing badges on his tent, and, uh, shouting abuse through a loud hailer. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Did you ever feel yourself to be culpable in any way for his, for his homelessness?  
:'''Peter:''' Look, he-he was homeless only in the sense that he had no home, erm – ''(There are chuckles from the gallery. Peter briefly turns round to them.)'' No, no, a [[wikipedia:Housing_association|Housing Association]] flat was found, which he-he declined. The ''policy'' didn't make him homeless.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' The policy of selling off the block of flats where he lived.  
:'''Peter:''' He made a positive decision to be homeless. It's the difference between being punched in the face and punching yourself in the face.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Erm – Why do you think, to use your phrase, he, uh, he punched himself in the face?  
:'''Peter:''' ''(stammering)'' Why? Well, because he was mentally, er – because he, he, he had, er, mental issues.
:'''Simon Weir:''' The email leaked to ''The Guardian,'' uh, which you'll find on pages, uh, 276 to 277 in the-in the evidence...uh, one of your advisers describes Mr. Tickel as, um, &quot;fucking [[wikipedia:Florence Nightingale|Florence Shiteingale]].&quot; Do you not feel that's, uh, a little callous? 
:'''Peter:''' (dismissively)'' This is-this is, er, rough-and-tumble office banter, er, schoolboy showers stuff. And-and-and schoolgirl showers. Not that -- I mean, not-not literally, but... 
:''(A few moments later...)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you familiar with the phrase &quot;data smuggling&quot;? 
:'''Peter:''' Data what?
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, passing on data from a closed system to an unauthorised source in exchange for money. 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, yes, right. I see, well it seems everyone's at it. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you at it, Mr. Mannion? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(scoffing)'' No, I'm-I'm-I'm not very good with technology. Uh, the Paper Mate pen is still cutting edge technology as far as I'm concerned. Writes upside-down, you know. 
:''(Matthew Hodge wants to discuss Douglas Tickel's death with Peter.)''  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You've told the inquiry that you didn't feel, uh, at all guilty over Mr. Tickel's death. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(getting defensive)'' Well, I-I-I felt ''bad.'' But-but not ''guilty.'' I-I didn't kill him. I-I've never killed anyone.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, no. I mean, noted, but I mean, do you think you could have made a difference, uh, if you had been contactable that day?  
:'''Peter:''' Why? He wasn't trying to call ''me'', I mean, I-I'm not the [[wikipedia:Samaritans_(charity)|Samaritans]]. In fact, um, uh, apparently, tonally, I-I have a very depressing voice.
:''(But WAIT, Peter -- there's more questions!)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Mannion, do you know Mr. Alistair Leyton, a senior executive at ''The Times''? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Did you ring Mr. Leyton on the 25th of April to tell him that Mr. Tickel's medical records had been unlawfully obtained, and that this might form the basis of an explosive news story? 
:'''Peter:''' Did I, uh, ring him on that day, do you mean? I -- Well, I-I can't remember. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, did you ring him on any day telling him? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(trying to assert himself)'' Look, I came into politics to make a difference, to-to ''dare'', to-to get things done, not-not to ''leak'' things, or-or, or ''spin'' or, or ''blag'' or-or...''smuggle'', but-but to ''serve'' with honest, hard work, to ''do''.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' And did you do something? Did you contact your friend at ''The Times''? 
:'''Peter:''' No, I-I-I didn't do that. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Perhaps we could start by just giving us an idea of what a special adviser does?  
:'''Emma:''' Erm, er, well, technically, essentially, we just advise a minister. Erm, sort of, media strategies, political strategies, that sort of thing.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' But you're not permanent members of the Civil Service?  
:'''Phil:''' Er, no, they're like the, er, the worker ants. We're more like, er – well, not the queens, that would be Peter Mannion and, to a lesser extent, Fergus Williams – we're more like the soldier ants that defend the queens.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you like to add anything, Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Adam:''' Yes, I'm not sure that the ant analogy helps, at all.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Smith, how would you characterise your relationship with Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Phil:''' Well, I think, when you get two silverbacks like Adam and I in a room, there's always going to be a certain amount of chest-beating, but, erm, there's a mutual respect.  
:''(During Phil's answer, Adam embarrassingly puts his head in his hand.)''  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you agree, Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Adam:''' Yes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You yourselves were subject to a leak, weren't you, in the ''Guardian''? How did you feel about the email containing your thoughts about Mr. Tickel's death?  
:'''Adam:''' Erm, it was shameful, and it was insensitive –  
:'''Emma:''' Absolutely.  
:'''Adam:''' – and we would like to apologise for that. It's dreadful.  
:'''Emma:''' I agree, ''(points to Adam and Phil)'' I mean, their comments were absolutely... unforgivable, mortifying.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reading)'' 'How many Mr. Tickles does it take to [[wikipedia:Lightbulb_joke|change a light bulb]]? He doesn't have a light bulb, he's in a tent.' 'How do you turn Mr. Tickle into Mr. Happy? [[wikipedia:Lithium_(medication)|Lithium]].' 'What's the difference between Mr. Tickle and [[wikipedia:Lawrence_Oates|Captain Oates]]? Captain Oates has a less stupid name.' Erm, and one I feel that is particularly cruel, Miss Messinger, given Mr. Tickel's mental health issues: 'The fucker's a nutbag'.
:'''Emma:''' I'm sor-– It-– That is not okay. Sorry.  
:'''Phil:''' If I could add a ''mea culpa'' here rather than dancing around it? Others may choose to attempt to wriggle off the hook of shame, but, um, I cannot, I cannot deny that my name is on those emails, and yet I do not recognise that man. It is me, and yet, it is another, and for that I am truly sorry. This has been a humbling moment in my quest to become the man I know I can be.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good to see you this morning, Infamous Terri Coverley. ''(Terri laughs.)'' Why are you smiling?  
:'''Terri:''' I'm not smiling. Or rather, I'm smiling, but it's something I do when I'm nervous, erm –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You have a guilty conscience?  
:'''Terri:''' No no, no no. No, I don't have a guilty conscience but I do have a guilty face, erm – I do blush a lot and that's a circulation thing, not a moral thing, though I do ''act'' guilty, erm – When I was a child, erm, my brother's hamster was put into a remote control aeroplane, tragic consequences, and, erm, unfortunately I was blamed for that, although I had nothing to do with it, it was that I just looked guilty, so I would ask you to bear that in mind.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Can you explain to us how communications works in government?  
:'''Terri:''' Well, erm, I use an analogy. Erm, I like to think that dealing with the press is not so much herding ''cats'', it's more herding sheep, and I am the shepherdess, erm, if you like, it's – In order to be an efficient shepherdess, one needs a number of things, I mean – Firstly, one needs a whistle. That's my voice. Secondly, one needs a coat, and that's my coat. And thirdly, one needs a dog, and that in my case is a lady called Robyn.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you say that there is a culture of bullying within DoSAC? If I could ask you first, Ms Murdoch.  
:'''Robyn:''' Erm, I'd say there was a culture of bullying ''me'' at DoSAC.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' You've experienced bullying there?  
:'''Robyn:''' Well, you know, I see them all standing around, you know, chattering like squirrels on Red Bull, and when I ask them what they're talking about, they usually bark a tea order at me; or, you know, or call me, er, the blonde bombshite, if I can use that word, or some other horrible sweary thing.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' That's the form the bullying takes?  
:'''Robyn:''' And if you refuse to make your boss's tea, you know, they call you [[wikipedia:Mariella_Frostrup|Mariella Shitstrop]]. Or [[wikipedia:Nancy_Sinatra|Flouncy Sinatra]], which doesn't even really work!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie Reeder is ready to deliver his testimony in the inquiry, but first, Lord Goolding makes an important announcement.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' As you can see, Baroness Sureka is not with us and will remain absent while she deals with the personal allegations published in ''The Sunday Times.'' This in no way invalidates this inquiry, nor does it compromise the integrity of any questioning conducted by Baroness Sureka. Mr. Hodge. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you. ''(to Ollie)'' Uh, Oliver Reeder, you were a senior adviser to Nicola Murray during her time as Secretary of State at DoSAC. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yup. I was, uh, ''the'' senior adviser. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good, and when Ms. Murray became Leader of the Opposition, uh, you were also one of her senior advisers? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, again, ''the,'' the senior adviser, yeah. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' I see, and now you're a senior adviser to Mr. Dan Miller? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, a slightly less pivotal role with, with Dan, but part of this, kind of, a larger pivot, really. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, thank you. Uh, Mr. Reeder, they say that in politics, knowledge is power. 
:'''Ollie:''' True, yes. Although that doesn't mean that Carol Vorderman should be, uh, Prime Minister. Er...Or I should've, or maybe I should say Stephen Fry, 'cause Carol's just maths, but yeah. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' You've known, um, Malcolm Tucker for, for, for some years now. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes I have, yes. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' He seems like, uh, an intimidating person. Is he? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, well, I mean, not, not to me. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' No? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. Uh, no. Uh, no, although he doesn't, he doesn't suffer fools gladly, I think that's fair to say. Or clever people, to be honest. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' So he's never, uh, bullied you? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, do I-do I look like I could be bullied by Mr. Tucker? I...No. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Could you turn to Tab 9? You'll find it in your, in your folder there. Yeah. Um, we have some, uh, some quotes here: Some, uh, evidence of-from several civil servants who all independently suggest that, uh, Mr. Tucker, in fact, regularly ''did'' bully you. 'Mr. Tucker threatened to remove Mr. Reeder's appendix, throw away Mr. Reeder, and appoint the useless flap of colon as special adviser.'  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well that's – yes. ''(laughs)'' That's banter.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' 'Mr. Tucker told Mr. Reeder that he would have him smothered, eviscerated, stuffed, ''(Ollie laughs)'' fitted with wheels, and donated to an orphanage.'  
:'''Ollie:''' That's, what – 'Cause this is out of context, what you don't have there is my reply. And so, you know, it's just him.
:'''Simon Weir:''' And what was that?
:'''Ollie:''' Er – Well, I don't remember what it was on this occasion, but it would have been a, you know, it would have been a zinger, because I gave as good as I got, so...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Very good. 
:'''Ollie:''' So it's not bullying.
:'''Simon Weir:''' Is there anything about the leaking of the so-called, uh, PFI email that you feel that this inquiry should, should be aware of? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh God, um...I mean, I'm...I mean, to be brutally frank, I'm struggling to remember here, but...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Well, please take your time. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, of course. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' There's no hurry. 
:'''Ollie:''' Of course, yeah. I mean, I think, you know, what you have to remember in this instance is that on the day that all of that stuff took place, um, I was in hospital. So I'm, you know, I was cut off, essentially. I didn't have a phone...
:'''Simon Weir:''' I mean, I hadn't mentioned, uh, the use of a phone, I mean...
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, no, I know. I'm simply saying I was...
:'''Simon Weir:''' You weren't working remotely from the hospital? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(stammering)'' No, no, not remotely. Um, uh...In-in-in either sense. No. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Did you have any visitors? 
:'''Ollie:''' Erm...
:'''Simon Weir:''' You must be able to remember that. 
:''(Ollie's still drawing a blank.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Well, if you're not completely sure, Mr. Reeder, we can always check with the visitors' records. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, don't -- let's not do that, um, let's not do that for the moment. Let me just...just give-bear with me. Er...but I...did, yes. I think I was visited by, um, by colleagues from the office. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Can you give us a name? 
:'''Ollie:''' Um...Uh, Malcolm is a name, is, um...is his name. Malcolm's name. Malcolm. Malcolm Tucker visited me. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Um, I'm assuming this wasn't a social visit. What did, uh...What did he want? What did Mr. Tucker want? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(getting anxious again)'' He wanted to...Wait, okay...I mean, I'm really-I'm -- I'm anxious, I'm keen, I'm trying my best to answer your, uh, questions truthfully, but...
:'''Simon Weir:''' I should remind you you are under oath, Mr. -- 
:'''Ollie:''' Absolutely, yes, I'm under oath, so this is...But, but...uh, what you have to understand is everybody has something on everyone here, right? So in this circumstance, if you inadvertently say or do something, um, uh, you know, that you shouldn't, then that's it. That's it, that's it. It's done. Your career is done. You know, look what happened to, um, a member of this inquiry, right? So you have to...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Reeder, this is not the place to discuss those allegations. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, of course, of course. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Reeder, if you feel -- You feel under pressure, am I right? Is that because of something that you know? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(still stammering)'' Yes. Well, no. Uh -- General pressure, I feel under a sort of -- Just that, it's the jitters of work. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Who leaked the email, Mr. Reeder? 
:'''Ollie:''' Glenn Cullen. Er, he was in DoSAC at the time and he, uh, still had access to the email and he hated his life. And he, he, you know, he hated Nicola Murray because she'd previously destroyed his chances of standing as an MP. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Most helpful, Glenn Cullen is our next witness. Most interesting, thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, well, okay. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' That's fine, thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Baroness Sureka has successfully returned to the inquiry, and Glenn Cullen is ready to give his testimony.)'' 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Cullen. I wonder if I could start by taking you back to that time two years ago, you left Nicola Murray and you went to work for Fergus Williams. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, yes I did, that's right. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' And then you found yourself, um, in a coalition with the very party that you opposed. That must have been extremely distressing. 
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, no, not at all, as a matter of fact. I-I was very invigorated by the idea of, uh, trying to forge a new way in politics. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, so all was rosy? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, um -- I can't think of any negatives. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' No friction? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, the only &quot;F&quot; word was &quot;Fun.&quot; 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you, Mr. Cullen. Thank you. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Cullen, would you say there's a culture of leaking in the government? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, I would. Yes, leaking and lying. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' To your knowledge, have any of your colleagues lied to this inquiry? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, I mean, that's a bit like asking, you know, um -- &quot;Does a cow drink milk?&quot; 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Does it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Probably. But what I meant to say was, yes, um, my colleagues lie constantly. It's a...professional necessity. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked, Mr. Cullen? 
:'''Glenn:''' First of all, may I just say, uh, welcome back, Baroness Sureka. Big hugs. I'm sure I speak for everyone here when I say that we're all thinking of you... 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I'd rather you, um, swapped the ham-fisted flattery for actually answering my question, which was, &quot;Have you ever leaked?&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. No, it's a very simple question and it's got a very simple answer. No, I haven't. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Um, you'll be aware of Ollie Reeder's testimony to the inquiry where he said that, uh, you were, in fact, responsible for the PFI leak. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes I am. ''(Glenn quickly corrects himself.)'' By which I mean to say I am aware of, of that. But gosh, you've got to be careful what you say here, haven't you? 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You most certainly do, Mr. Cullen. Let's hope we're both up to it. Is there any truth at all to Mr. Reeder's accusations? 
:'''Glenn:''' Absolutely none whatsoever. He's talking out of hi -- Out of his other cheeks, if you...
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Why would Oliver Reeder suggest that you were behind the PFI email leak, then? 
:'''Glenn:''' I've absolutely no idea. It's very difficult for me to get into the mindset of somebody so entirely self-serving and, um...spiritually ugly. I mean, anyone who's been unfortunate enough to have come across Ollie Reeder will know that he is a genuinely...atrocious person. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe Mr. Reeder was trying to cover himself, in that case? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, I do believe he has the emotional tools for the task. Yes, certainly. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe that Ollie Reeder was behind the leak? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(after a long pause...)'' No. You see...a-a leak of this magnitude would require one essential item that Ollie lacks. And that's a spine. He is a man without a spine. He is a man-worm. He's a writhing mollusk without any strategies or convictions. He-he simply slimes his way into the nearest crack every night, and I would like to put on record that I apologize to this committee for being the man who brought him into the world of politics. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you for returning to this inquiry, Mr. Tucker.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That's no problem. I had a hair appointment, but I think they can fit me in next week.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' There's no need to be so flippant about this inquiry.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it's just, you know, you keep asking me the same questions, I can't really help it if you don't like the answers.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Maybe you can try a little harder in answering. I'm amazed you stayed at the top of politics for quite so long with such apparently poor powers of recall.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, maybe it's my age – it's good to see you back, by the way.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Thank you, nice to see you too.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' At your last appearance at this inquiry, you admitted that you have leaked, is that correct?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, everyone leaks: many many people who have appeared here in front of you have leaked, but they've just lied about it to you.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, that's an incredibly serious charge; do you have any evidence to substantiate that allegation?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Will you forgive me if I don't do your job for you? Because if you can't spot a sprayed-on halo of someone doing a &quot;what, me guv?&quot; panto act, then maybe you shouldn't be sitting behind that desk.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' At your last appearance we asked you very specifically how you came by Mr. Tickel's NHS number and National Insurance number, and you could not recall. Have you had any more time to think about it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I have.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' And could you tell us any more?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You've got no recollection at all?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No. And by the way, you should not be talking to me about this because you've been a victim of leaking, a very unfortunate victim, and I have every sympathy with you, but how can you possibly give me a fair hearing when you've been a victim of the very crime that you are accusing me of? You are prejudiced; this entire inquiry, therefore, is prejudiced.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I can see what you're doing, it smacks of desperation and it will not work.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Does it? No, listen, there you go again, see, that's you, you're just rushing to judgement. You are totally discredited here.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I am obliged to remind you, Mr. Tucker, that you are under oath, and if you lie to this inquiry, it may result in a criminal prosecution.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, please don't insult my intelligence by acting as if you're all so naive that you don't know how this all works. Everybody in this room has bent the rules to get in here, because you don't get in this room without bending the rules. You don't get to where ''you'' are without bending the rules, that's the way it is.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Tucker, I am going to give you one more chance to respond to my question. How did you acquire Mr. Tickel's NHS number and his National Insurance number?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Who said I acquired it?  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' A photograph.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no, the photograph shows me holding it. It doesn't show me acquiring it. You'd have to ask the person that gave me the folder.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Who gave you the folder?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't remember.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You are being deliberately evasive.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ... I – I don't recall, you know, I don't know, I can't remember.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Very well. Regardless of how you came by Mr. Tickel's mental health records, did you then leak them to the media?
:'''Malcolm:''' I can't recall.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So that's not a denial?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Je ne remember rien.''
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, if you can't recall, it leaves open the possibility that you did leak them. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Let me tell you this. The whole planet's leaking, everybody is leaking! You know? Everyone's spewing up their guts onto the internet, putting up their relationship status and photos of their [[wikipedia:Vajazzle|vajazzles]]! We've come to a point where there are people, ''millions'' of people, who are quite happy to trade a kidney in order to go on television! And to show people their knickers, to show people their skid marks, and then complain to ''[[wikipedia:OK!|OK!]]'' magazine about a breach of privacy! The exchange of private information – that is what drives our economy. But, you come after me because you can't arrest a landmass, can you? You can't cuff a country. You might as well just go and – you can't lynch that guy there, can you? But you decide that you can sit there, you can judge and you can ogle me like a [[wikipedia:Page_3|Page 3]] girl. You don't like it? Well, you don't like yourself. You don't like your species, and you know what? Neither do I, but how ''dare'' you come and lay this at my door! How ''dare'' you blame ME -- for THIS! Which is the result of a political class, which has given up on morality and simply pursues popularity at all costs. I am you and you are me.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Are you finished?
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, I'm finished anyway. You didn't finish me.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Would you like to stand down?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(getting up and walking out)'' Thanks, m'Lord.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Although you did previously describe yourself as a shepherdess. ''(Robyn laughs)'' Now, did you have something to add to that?  
:'''Robyn:''' I just – Shepherdess, did she say – ''(to Terri)'' Did you say shepherdess?  
:'''Terri:''' Yes, I was giving an analogy – I mean, to be fair, erm, perhaps it would have been more accurate for me to describe myself as a sheep in shepherdess's clothing. Do you follow?  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Er, no, not completely, no.  
:'''Robyn:''' The shepherdess analogy's floored him.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Your own privacy is important to you.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, I have a meditation room at home.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, you know, I think we all have one of those at home.  
:''(all chuckle)''
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, right, er – do you mean a toilet? Yeah, 'cause I'm talking about a dedicated meditation room.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I see.  
:'''Stewart:''' Although it did actually use to be a toilet, it made it easier to plumb in the waterfall.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In less figurative terms, what is the nature of your job?  
:'''Terri:''' Well, I don't like to toot my own trumpet, as they say, but I like to think of myself as God: erm, I fashion DoSAC in mine own image, er, to quote the Bible. ''(looks for the Bible on her desk)'' Erm, that's in the Bible, isn't it?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Sorry, what exactly do you mean?  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm not sure I follow you.  
:'''Terri:''' Oh, well I'm – Sorry. Erm, I'm a translator. Um, I translate, from the outside world, things that come into the department, and vice versa.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' So are you saying you change what you hear? You manipulate?  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, it's a bit, erm – ''[[wikipedia:Songs_of_Praise|Songs of Praise]]''. There's a deaf and dumb lady doing deaf and dumb language.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Sign language?  
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well it's like that, I take the ugly words, and I translate them, as it were, into a beautiful gesture.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' If I'm to understand you correctly, you stop information going to and from your department, and you change what that information is.  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, I ''didn't'', I didn't say that –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' No, on the contrary, you ''did'' say that.  
:'''Terri:''' No, er –&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Lord Goolding:''' You can understand how suspicion might fall upon you, given your antipathy to Mrs. Murray as a leader.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola's real name is 'If Wet Nicola Murray'; if she worked for the West End, her name would always be preceded by the words, 'Tonight the role of Mary Poppins will be taken by' Nicola Murray. Because she's basically an understudy who got lucky, she got on, she got to play the lead. But she wet herself, she was too frightened, and she went home crying, you know; it happens.

==Series 4, Episode 7==
:''(In this scene, the phone in Peter's office keeps running, and he keeps picking up the phone -- only to hang up without really answering. While he's doing this, Phil enters Peter's office.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Look, Phil. Every petty criminal in the country is in a holding pattern, because that barrel of cocks at the Home Office can't process their arrests quick enough. ''(Peter disconnects his phone.)'' So why am I the one who has to gimp himself out all day to Martha Kearney and Eddie Mair? 
:'''Phil:''' Because since the inquiry, DoSAC looks toxic and weak, and they're just trying to pile all the government's ills on top of us. 
:'''Peter:''' Who's fault's that, Phil? 
:'''Phil:''' I've said I'm sorry about the inquiry, okay? I started writing you a letter but it just seemed pretentious. Look, if it's any consolation, I haven't felt that humiliated since my trunks fell down at the school [[wikipedia:Swimming_gala|swimming gala]].
:'''Peter:''' It's of absolutely no consolation to think of you naked in front of 500 boys.
:'''Emma:''' ''(walking in, on her phone)'' Yeah, absolutely, Trevor. OK, yeah, drinks soon. Yeah, you too. OK, bye. ''(hangs up)'' Oh, God! I just felt my ovaries cringe. I'm trying to flirt our way out of this police backlog.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil:''' I thought we weren't talking to [[wikipedia:The_Proclaimers|The Proclaimers]].
:'''Peter:''' We have to play happy families for Mary, pretend I don't actually want to strangle Fergus's bollocks so they look like glacé cherries.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emma:''' You are telling me that you have been running parts of this country, Terri. What the fuck are you trying to do, [[wikipedia:2012_phenomenon|prove the Mayans right]]?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Meanwhile, an unarrested feral underclass has gone [[wikipedia:Mad_Max_(franchise)|Mad Max]], and police station waiting rooms are heaving like the hedgehog carvery at a gypsy wedding.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter. This ''[[Wars of the Roses|War of the Roses]]'' with the Home Office? It ends now. We want a united realm. There's no vision in division.
:'''Peter:''' Well, yes there is; ''(looks to Fergus's office)'' anyway, tell [[wikipedia:Perkin_Warbeck|Perkin Warbeck]] over there.  
:'''Stewart:''' OK people, could we briefly form a coherent group?  
:'''Terri:''' Mary Drake is in the building, she's on her way up.  
:'''Stewart:''' OK...Shields up, guys; Centurions, we're forming a [[wikipedia:Testudo_formation|tortoise]].
:''(Adam approaches Terri, and he's holding a ThinkSocially pamphlet in his hand.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Terri, ThinkSocially. Did I sign off on this? Because I hadn't heard of ThinkSocially until I said it just then. 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, uh...
:'''Adam:''' So what is it? 
:'''Terri:''' Simple explanation. 
:'''Adam:''' Love to hear it. 
:''(But as Terri gets ready to explain, Mary Drake from the Home Office has arrived at DoSAC...and she's not happy.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(moaning)'' Oh, God. Here-Here's Mary. Bunch up, everyone, so she doesn't see the corpses. 
:''(Peter then hides in his office.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Look, synchronize lies, all right? ''(Emma approaches Mary and shakes her hand.)'' Mary, hi. Hi, Emma, we met at the away day. I so enjoyed our, our mood play. 
:'''Mary:''' Yes, you actually did, didn't you? ''(to Terri)'' Oh, you must be the legendary Terri. ''(Mary shakes Terri's hand)'' I've heard a great deal about you. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, oh, please, don't, uh, don't believe everything that you hear. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(sharply)'' I fully intend not to. ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. Chakras balanced? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, sorry. Tiny bit of, uh, housekeeping. ''(to Terri)'' Terri, um, uh, ThinkSocially? Uh, just checking in on that. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes. Yes, it's a go thing. Double-stamped, yes. 
:''(Peter emerges from his office and greets Mary with an uneasy smile.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Mary! Great to see you again. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(flatly)'' I'm here in an angry capacity. 
:'''Peter:''' Ah! The cream in our coffee, Mary. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to all)'' The message from the Home Office is this: Move away from the backlog. There's nothing to see. Let the police do their jobs, let us do ours. 
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry to be, uh, ''contrary,'' Mary, but Peter and I have just been discussing this very issue. 
:'''Mary:''' Shut up! Let me tell you something now: DoSAC is one rat's whisker away from being shut down and subsumed by the Home Office, and put in charge of cocking up the tea run! And I like mine weak, and white. Like my men. ''(leaves)''
:'''Peter:''' Stewart, any thoughts from within your fucking dream yurt?
:'''Stewart:''' I will go and try and de-frag this situation, but I am staying strictly macro. ''(leaves)''
:'''Adam:''' Subtitles, you need subtitles!
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Terri)'' Sorry, erm, ThinkSocially. Terri, would you mind explaining ''rationally'' why I appear to be giving a ringing endorsement to a piece of shit that I've never even heard of?
:'''Terri:''' It's not my fault, it's the-it's the double-stamping nonsense, that's the reason.
:'''Adam:''' Oh, really? Because right now, I want to double-stamp on your fucking throat.
:'''Terri:''' I'm gonna take that seriously as a physical threat!
:'''Adam:''' You know, one of the many many things that baffles me about you is you remain unmurdered!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is entering Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' M. Tucker.
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Um...We need to have a little chat. 
:'''Ollie:''' You're not splitting up with me, are you? Because I'm pregnant and it's quads, so, you know...You're not laughing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm laughing on the inside. Which is a tad ironic, because I'm leaving here in five minutes to get arrested. 
:'''Ollie:''' Hang on. Sorry...Uh, you're gonna be arrested at the exact same time that Dan Miller's doing his Lewisham walkabout? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. But I'm going to Brentford where nobody will be watching me, because they'll all be with him. 
:'''Ollie:''' So, the Leader of the Opposition is going to be filmed at a police station at the exact moment that his Head of Communications is being arrested. Yes, okay, great, great, so that's a sack full of face-chewing rats, thank you very much.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, it's – This is what you have to deal with, right? It's just another day at the fuck office.
:'''Ollie:''' So now I have to step into your shoes, but ''after'' you've shat in them.
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, look at me! I'm not pulling anything out of a magic hat. The rabbits are falling to pieces, their fucking heads are coming off and frightening the kids. So somebody else is going to have to help out.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, who says I even want to be you, Malcolm? Who says that?
:'''Malcolm:''' Nobody says that. Except every screaming atom of that etiolated stick of fuck you call a body says that. Every fibre of your being, every stamen...says that. But you are not me, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' No.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you never will be me. I knew Malcolm F. Tucker, sir...and you are no Malcolm Fucking Tucker. You're not even fucking Manchester's top Malcolm Tucker tribute band. And trying to be me? ''You?!'' Trying to be me will fucking kill you. I give you 18 months before you're a washed out, weeping, alcoholic. With no fucking bladder control. Sleeping on your brother-in-law's sofa.
:'''Ollie:''' And so on, and so on. It doesn't have to be like that, now, Malcolm. Politics has actually changed, right?
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah! Yeah, and you probably haven't noticed because you've been on transmit for the last fucking eight years: &quot;Wah wah wah wah wah!&quot; And whilst you've been doing that, everybody else has been changing, and it's all a bit softcore now, it's all about algorithms now. You don't have to be Malcolm Tucker to sit in that chair.
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, how quickly they grow up. You fucking think you know me?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yeah. Yeah, I know you.
:'''Malcolm:''' You know [[wikipedia:Jackie Chan|Jackie fucking Chan]] about me. YOU KNOW FUCK ALL ABOUT ME! ''I'' am totally beyond the realms of your fucking tousle-haired, fucking dimwitted compre-fucking-hension! I don’t just take this fucking job home, you know. I take this job home, it fucking ties me to the bed, and it fucking fucks me from arsehole to breakfast. Then it wakes me up in the morning with a cup full of ''piss'' slung in my face, slaps me about the chops, to make sure I’m awake enough so it can kick me in the fucking bollocks! This job has taken me in every hole in my fucking body! MALCOLM IS GONE, you can't know Malcolm, 'cause Malcolm is not here! Malcolm fucking left the building fucking years ago! This is a fucking husk! I am a fucking host for this fucking job! Do you want this job?
:'''Ollie:''' ... Yes.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes! You ''do'' fucking want this job! Then you're gonna have to fucking swallow this whole fucking life and let it grow inside you like a parasite, getting bigger and bigger and bigger until it fucking eats your insides alive and it stares out of your eyes and tells you what to do!
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this sounds like the fucking video you leave on YouTube after you've blown your brains out!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm as dead as fucking [[wikipedia:Two-tone_(music_genre)|two-tone]]. But I can fashion my own exit.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Christ. What, are you gonna [[wikipedia:Suicide_tourism#Switzerland|fly to Switzerland]] and have a wank off a nurse and a bye-bye pill, are you?
:'''Malcolm:''' Funny, funny man. Political exit.
:'''Ollie:''' No, I know.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm gonna leave the stage with my head held fucking high, right? What you're going to see is a masterclass in fucking dignity, son. The audience will be on their feet. &quot;There he goes,&quot; they'll say. &quot;No friends - no real friends - no children, no glory, no memoirs.&quot; ... Well, fuck them.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola has discovered that Declan, the journalist due to interview her, is the man behind 'Mr Chop'!)''
:'''Nicola:''' I am, uh...ever so close to being on the verge of bawling my fucking eyes out' disappointed about this. I mean, this was it, was it? What was the alternative, going on Strictly Come Dancing and doing a fucking hooky waltz with [[wikipedia:Abu_Hamza_al-Masri|Abu Hamza]]? This is pretty low. This is lower than my mother's pelvic floor, Helen.
:'''Helen:''' I had to virtually go on the game to get you this. So, frankly, I don't care whether he wants to roll around in applesauce with you. Get in there and do as you're told. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(taking a breath)'' Right. I will go, because I'm choosing to go in. But I just need you to know for the record...
:'''Helen:''' Just get in there before I push you in. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(At [[wikipedia:Lewisham|Lewisham]] Police Station, where private contractors have reduced the arrest backlog.)''
:'''Dan:''' Ollie, what the fuck are we doing here? Everything's fine. I'm like lube at a funeral.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. I can't believe it but DoSAC have actually turned this around, they've [[wikipedia:Apollo_13|Apollo 13]]'d it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and his lawyer are trying to get out of [[wikipedia:Brentford|Brentford]] Police Station. They come across a policeman escorting a prisoner.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Scuse me, is there another way out of here?
:'''Prisoner:''' You could hang yourself.
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and his lawyer are running away from reporters to their taxi, but it drives off)''
:'''Malcolm:''' HEY! GET THE FUCK BACK HERE! ''(the taxi stops and they get in)'' Jesus Christ! Go! Go go go! ''(the taxi drives off)'' You fucking drive off like that again, and I'll stick your meter so far down your throat you'll be able to tell the price of your next ''shit''.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Come out, everyone! Tally-ho, yoo-hoo! Come on, bring out your fucking dead! Right, everybody listen, I've got an announcement to make, erm... 
:'''Phil:''' What is it, you got an erection?
:'''Glenn:''' No. I would like to tell you all that I'm resigning!
:'''Phil:''' Is that it?
:'''Glenn:''' No, you closeted [[wikipedia:Regency_era|Regency]] homosexual, that is not it. Morally, this department is in the gutter!
:'''Fergus:''' Thanks for the speech, Glenn, but we have work –
:'''Glenn:''' ''(grabs a desktop lamp)'' YOU STAY AND TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT! I will lamp you, with a lamp!
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, you've gone a tiny bit psychotic, my love.
:'''Glenn:''' ''(puts down the lamp)'' You, Fergus, when you asked me to join you, all you had was your principles, but over the last two years, you've bent like a human fucking palm tree, swaying to the guff of these six-toed born-to-rule pony-fuckers.
:'''Adam:''' If you're gonna go, just go. Spare us this [[Network (film)|Peter Finch bullshit]].
:'''Glenn:''' Oh! Adam, you're waiting for your turn! Oh no! I remember, it's your turn right now!
:'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Bring it.
:'''Glenn:''' You are simply the most loathsome human being I have ever met. 
:'''Adam:''' Yep.
:'''Glenn:''' You were so well-suited at the ''Mail'', it's a shame you came over here!
:'''Emma:''' Hear, hear! ''(she and Phil clap)''
:'''Glenn:''' Do you know what? I hate you both: [[wikipedia:Tweedledum_and_Tweedledee|Tweedle-twat and Tweedle-prick]]! You contribute absolutely ''nothing'' to the world, so thank fucking God you have ''no power!''
:'''Fergus:''' Er, we do actually, it's –
:'''Glenn:''' No, you don't. And Peter: it's been dreadful. I hope your cock falls off. Phil, do you know what you are? You're like an eight-year-old trapped in a twelve-year-old's body.
:'''Phil:''' ''(gleefully)'' This is great! Why isn't anyone filming this?
:'''Glenn:''' And Emma.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, yeah, do Emma, do Emma!
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, Emma, I'm sorry, you're just a standard-issue insipid posh bitch. That's it! Terri? ''(takes a pair of scissors)''
:'''Phil:''' Oh, whoa, whoa.
:'''Glenn:''' I don't think I've ever met anyone quite so proud, and yet quite so useless. But I do have to thank you, ''(takes his pass and cuts it up)'' because I have managed to stay in shape, purely though the energy I spend in pitying you every day!
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, you're just embarrassing yourself.
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck you all up the wrong 'un! Ta ta! Bye bye! ''(leaves)''
:'''Phil:''' That was better than IMAX ''[[Inception (film)|Inception]]''.
:'''Emma:''' Poor, poor Glenn!
:'''Peter:''' Should we try and get him back?
:'''Emma:''' Fuck, no. He's gone completely mental!
:'''Adam:''' He's gone Glenn-tal.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm's last line)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I want to say something. I want to say something! ''(long silence)'' It doesn't matter.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As the Team DoSAC Coalition is celebrating Malcolm's arrest -- with some booze, no less -- Mary Drake returns with some big news.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking on the job, Peter? Why not? You've already got the efficiency of a man who's half cut. 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, then I must have dreamt that, uh, my idea had ''successfully reduced the arrest backlog?''
:'''Mary:''' DoSAC did do rather well today, uh, actually. 
:'''Terri:''' Thank you. 
:'''Mary:''' But there's a conspicuous blockage that will lead to a personnel change. 
:''(Mary then turns to Stewart, who's sitting on the floor.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. You're out. You're gonna be pickled in a think tank. 
:'''Terri:''' What? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(scoffing)'' Of course I am, Mary. And whose authority is this coming from, hmm? 
:'''Mary:''' The PM, whilst acknowledging the need for thoughts, is keener on actions these days. I'm gonna be providing those. Stewart, there's no need for you to clear your desk, because you're a walking thought pod, aren't you? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(calm, but clearly unhappy)'' Absolutely. Thank you very much...Thanks, um...
:''(But then, Stewart launches one last razor sharp parting shot.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' You know, I've spent ''ten'' years detoxifying this party, hmmm? It's been a bit like renovating an old, old house, yeah? You can take out a sexist beam here, a callous window there, replace the odd homophobic roof tile. ''(Stewart finally gets up.)'' But after a while you realise that this renovation is doomed. Because the foundations are built on what I can only describe as a solid bed of ''cunts.''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(This is the show's closing line.)''
:'''Peter:''' What a shit day!

== Cast ==

'''The Government'''
* [[w:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Malcolm Tucker]]
* [[w:Paul Higgins (actor)|Paul Higgins]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Jamie McDonald]]
* [[w:Alex MacQueen|Alex MacQueen]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Julius Nicholson]]
* [[w:Rebecca Front|Rebecca Front]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nicola Murray]]
* [[w:|Eve Matheson]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Clare Ballentine]]
* [[w:Justin Edwards|Justin Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ben Swain]]
* [[w:Rory Kinnear|Rory Kinnear]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ed]]
* [[w:Tony Gardner|Tony Gardner]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Dan Miller]]
* [[w:James Smith|James Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Glenn Cullen]]
* [[w:Chris Addison|Chris Addison]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Oliver &quot;Ollie&quot; Reeder]]
* [[w:Rob Edwards|Rob Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Geoff Holhurst]]

'''Her Majesty's Civil Service'''
* [[w:Joanna Scanlan|Joanna Scanlan]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Terri Coverley]]
* [[w:Polly Kemp|Polly Kemp]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Robyn Murdoch]]

'''The Opposition'''
* [[w:Vincent Franklin|Vincent Franklin]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Stewart Pearson]]
* [[w:Roger Allam|Roger Allam]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Peter Mannion]]
* [[w:Olivia Poulet|Olivia Poulet]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Emma Messinger]]
* [[w:Will Smith (comedian)|Will Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Phil Smith]]

'''The Media'''
* [[w:Ben Willbond|Ben Willbond]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Adam Kenyon]]
* [[w:Lucinda Raikes|Lucinda Raikes]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Angela Heaney]]

'''Former Characters'''
* [[w:Chris Langham|Chris Langham]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Hugh Abbot]]
* [[w:Tim Bentinck|Tim Bentinck]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Cliff Lawton]]
* [[w:Martin Savage|Martin Savage]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nick Hanway]]
* [[w:Rebecca Gethings|Rebecca Gethings]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Helen Hatley]] 
* [[w:Geoffrey Streatfeild|Geoffrey Streatfeild]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Fergus Williams]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0459159|title=The Thick Of It}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Thick of It, The}}
[[Category:BBC shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Political satirical TV shows]]
[[Category:UK sitcoms]]
[[Category:UK workplace comedy TV shows]]</text>
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      <contributor>
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        <id>3009526</id>
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      <comment>Ladies and gentlemen: For the record, I apologize for the use of explicit and offensive language in this edit. I do not condone the use of offensive language in real life social situations. I'm simply typing dialogue from The Thick of It to improve the quality of this page.</comment>
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'''''[[w:The Thick of It|The Thick of It]]''''' is a British sitcom, satirising the inner workings of modern government, that finished  its fourth (and final) series in October 2012. It stars [[wikipedia:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] as spin doctor [[wikipedia:Malcolm Tucker|Malcolm Tucker]]. See also ''[[In The Loop]]'', a spin-off feature film.

==Series 1, Episode 1==

:''(Malcolm Tucker's first line.)'' 
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' ''(on his phone, in Cliff Lawton's office)'' No, he's useless. He's absolutely useless. He is, he's useless, he's as useless as a marzipan dildo. All right. Got to go. Minister's just walked in. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker has just told Cliff Lawton, the head of the Department of Social Affairs, that he has to resign as Minister.)''
:'''Cliff Lawton:''' Malcolm, look, um – if you do this, it's the bollocks of the jungle out there, you know? They're like wolves. Pissed wolves. 
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' I've made the announcement: I've told [[wikipedia:The_Lobby|the Lobby]] you're going, Cliff.  
:'''Cliff:''' You've told the Lobby I'm going?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Sorry, Cliff.  
:'''Cliff:''' Minister.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get used to Cliff. I've booked you in for the usual soapy tit-wank farewell at Number 10, in 20 minutes. Also drafted you a letter of resignation: gives you the chance to say that you're jumping before you're pushed, although obviously we're gonna be briefing that you ''were'' pushed, sorry.
:'''Cliff:''' Um...Look, tell you what. You don't need to do all of this. What about Tom? Everybody knows he's fucking up Transport. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can't sack Tom at Transport. We can't lose anyone at Transport, they're important. 
:'''Cliff:''' What? And Social Affairs isn't? 
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, the Department of Social for Commercial Affairs is very important, but it's not Transport. Transport's cars, buses, trucks. 
:'''Cliff:''' I KNOW WHAT TRANSPORT FUCKING ENTAILS! 
:''(Malcolm gives Cliff his infamous &quot;bollocking stare.&quot;)''
:'''Cliff:''' Look, look...Look. I'll look at it. 
:''(Cliff looks at the resignation note.)''
:'''Cliff:''' Personal reasons. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I thought that would give you adequate scope. 
:'''Cliff:''' Scope. What, like, um...shooting up in the Cabinet Office or something? Stuffing a cat up my arse and having a wank? What do you mean, scope? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, this could be a great deal worse. You have had a good innings. You have been here for 18 months. And you know, I have written some very nice things about you in the PM's reply to your resignation. Some very nice fucking things indeed. I had a lump in my throat. And you know why? Because no one who matters thinks any less of you over this...so far. OK? Right. One more thing: ''[[wikipedia:The Daily Mail|The Daily Mail]]''. David Topham has got it into his head that we are going to sack you because of press pressure. 
:'''Cliff:''' I wonder why. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look. You're in no position to dish out fucking sarcasm. That's over. You no longer have purchase in the sarcasm world. Get on the phone. Tell him you're jumping before you're pushed -- although we were going to push you, but not because of press pressure, but because of your deeply held fucking personal issues, whatever they were. 
:'''Cliff:''' You want me to write my own obituary!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Get on the fucking phone. Do it now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh Abbot, the new head of the Department of Social Affairs, is calling a big meeting to announce his first major policy. Joining Hugh in his office are his staff members: Glenn Cullen, Hugh's senior advisor and best friend; Oliver &quot;Ollie&quot; Reeder, Hugh's junior advisor; and Terri Coverley, the department's Chief Press Secretary.)'' 
:'''Hugh Abbot:''' Shush! I've got something very important to say. I've got -- Ollie, I've got something for us. I've got us a very, very tasty little morsel. Because this morning I had a chat with my very good friend, the Prime Minister of Great Britain. (Glenn, Ollie, and Terri are very interested.) Yes. And, um, remember the, um, um -- Ollie, your Benefit Unit Fraud...
:'''Ollie Reeder:''' Anti-Benefit Fraud Executive. ABFE. 
:'''Hugh:''' ABFE. Um, Scrounger Squad. 
:'''Ollie:''' Snooper Squad. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(correcting himself)'' Snooper Squad. 
:'''Terri Coverley:''' The one with the spending implications? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, and the Prime Minister's view, it turns out, is very much, &quot;Fuck the spending implications, I like it.&quot; 
:'''Glenn Cullen:''' Good. 
:'''Hugh:''' So this is us. We're on the map. It's a chance for me, Glenn, to get on Richard &amp; Judy and plant that flag right on their fucking sofa. 
:'''Terri:''' So the, um, the Prime Minister's authorized you -- he ''has'' authorized you to announce it, has he? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's very much what he signaled, yes, very clearly. He said that he's very much right behind us on this and it's very much what we should be doing. 
:'''Ollie:''' This is great. So we can do it this afternoon at the school, can't we? We can, uh, we can clear the press conference that we've got...
:'''Terri:''' ''(getting up to leave)'' Excuse me. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. We'll &quot;double-bubble&quot; it, yeah? We'll leak it to the Standard for the early editions and then trail it on the World at One. Yes? Right. I'll tell you, we, we need someone at the Standard we can give this to. What about Angela Heaney? She's at the Standard now, isn't she? Hugh?
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Um...yes, she is. Do you not think that maybe she's a bit junior, I think. 
:'''Glenn:''' Bit too much like your ex who broke your heart and then dumped you with a text message? 
:'''Ollie:''' It was a fucking e-mail. It wasn't a text message. 
:'''Glenn:''' We give it to her, she'll write what we want. 
:'''Hugh:''' She's easy.
:'''Glenn:''' She is easy. 
:''(Terri returns to the office, trying to tell the guys to control their excitement over the Snooper Squad policy.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Uh, one moment. I can see that you've all got very big, stiff hard-ons for this one -- 
:'''Hugh:''' Sorry? 
:'''Terri:''' That's -- that is nice. I'm not saying that's not nice. But...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(surprised)'' Terri! 
:'''Terri:''' But there is absolutely no way we're gonna clear it by this afternoon. So...
:'''Ollie:''' Why not? 
:'''Terri:''' Do cool it, just for a minute, and I'll ring Paul at the Treasury. 
:'''Hugh, Glenn, and Ollie:''' NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! 
:'''Hugh:''' No phone calls to the Treasury, thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' If you call the Treasury to get anywhere near the announcement, he's gonna have to dress up as catering with a big tray of drinks and a pot of sliced lemons. 
:'''Hugh:''' I'm not doing that. 
:'''Terri:''' I'm just going by procedure. 
:'''Hugh:''' Terri, I love doing things the right way, that ethical stuff. I, I-I love it, I mean, we all, we all do. But -- but, you know, it's very difficult when you're the first person to put your gun down, because people tend to jump on your head as if it was a ripe watermelon. We don't want that, do we? 
:'''Ollie:''' The Prime Minister said he wants to do it. The Prime Minister is above the Treasury in the hierarchy. I can write it down on a chart if it actually helps. 
:'''Terri:''' Whatever. 
:'''Glenn:''' Thank you. 
:'''Terri:''' Very good, Minister. I'll get to it. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Terri)'' You're just doing your job. ''(After Terri leaves, Hugh whispers to Glenn &amp; Ollie)'' Not very well. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' Will you get Angela on the phone for Ollie? ''(to Ollie)'' You can deal with this, Ollie, yes? Thank you. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' The driver. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering Glenn's question, despondently)'' Technically. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Will it be my usual driver? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, Hugh. 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't fucking like him. 
:'''Glenn:''' Why not? 
:'''Hugh:''' He's...I don't know. I think he despises me. 
:'''Glenn:''' We'll have to use him today, because you know how the pool system works. So we go down to the school...um...have to. 
:'''Hugh:''' He's sort of contemptuous. 
:'''Glenn:''' The driver? 
:'''Hugh:''' I feel like he looks down on me. 
:'''Glenn:''' No, Hugh, he likes you, I'm sure. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn are in the car listening to ''[[wikipedia:The World at One|The World at One]]''. They're celebrating Hugh's &quot;Snooper Force&quot; policy being given the green light.)''
:'''[[wikipedia:Nick Clarke|Nick Clarke]]:''' (on the radio) ''The World at One. This is Nick Clarke with 30 minutes of news...''
:'''Hugh:''' Well, you can fuck off for a start. 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''The Social Affairs Secretary Hugh Abbot...''
:'''Hugh:''' ''(quite proudly)'' Evening. 
:'''Glenn:''' First story up. 
:'''Hugh:''' Top of the bill. 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...a uniformed, so-called Snooper Force. The announcement suggests the DSA has pushed the Treasury into releasing more funds, so we'll ask, is the Treasury losing its... 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes it is, and not before time! 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...Social Affairs spokesman Mark Davis Nathenson... 
:'''Hugh:''' If you can get him out of the bath! 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''But first, the estimates of fatalities from yesterday's train disaster in Bangalore have risen precipitously overnight...
:'''Hugh:''' Well, that's marvelous. 
:''(But then, Hugh's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, Tucker. ''(Happily answering the call)'' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck was that? Was this whole Snooper Force thing from you? 
:'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I talked to the PM and this is completely kosher as far as he's concerned. You know, he gave the go-ahead and he said, you know, bounce the Treasury.
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't you realise? We have got 17 different issues we are fighting with the Treasury about. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can hear that you are, as usual, upset. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you why I'm upset. I'm upset because these fucking morons over at [[wikipedia:HM_Treasury|the Treasury]], these people, they are so paranoid. If you don't tell them about stuff like this, if you don't even cc them an email, they think you've started a palace coup! 
:'''Hugh:''' Mal– Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't seem to understand that I'm gonna have to mop up a fucking hurricane of piss here from all of these neurotics! What did the Prime Minister ''actually'' say to you?  
:'''Hugh:''' He actually said, 'This is exactly the kind of thing we should be doing.'  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''What did he actually say?''  
:'''Hugh:''' He said, 'This is exactly the sort of thing we should be doing.'  
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Should' be doing. 'Should' does not mean 'yes'. Now, there's only one thing to do here, and it's what I'm going to tell you to do. Kill it. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can't -- I can't kill it! I'm on my way to make the announcement! There's gonna be television cameras there and everything! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, fuck the television cameras! Think of something else to say! But just don't mention the bloody [[wikipedia:The_New_Avengers|New Avengers]] or the Snooper Force, or whatever the fuck you call it. 
:'''Hugh:''' Scam Busters? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get rid of it. I don't want to hear about it again. Bye.  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn is on the phone with Terri, telling her about a change in the Snooper Force story.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' So the line is -- and call every news desk -- that the Snooper Force story is that it was led out by, quote, &quot;a disgruntled civil servant,&quot; unquote. OK? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(privately annoyed)'' OK, great. 
:'''Glenn:''' And Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' Hmmm? 
:'''Glenn:''' You can drop that tone, all right? 
:'''Terri:''' What tone? 
:'''Glenn:''' The &quot;I knew better all along&quot; tone, yeah? It isn't fucking appreciated right now! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Ollie is in the car with Glenn &amp; Hugh, and the three of them are discussing policy ideas while traveling.)''
:'''Glenn:''' What we need is something that the public want, is incredibly popular and is free. 
:'''Ollie:''' Return of capital punishment.  
:'''Hugh:''' That's a joke, right? You are joking, yes, obviously? Come on, Ollie, come up with something.  
:'''Ollie:''' National spare room database.  
:'''Hugh:''' What about zoos? My kids went to a zoo the other day and they said it was fucking disgusting, you know, the state of it. That's shit, isn't it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' What if everybody had to carry a plastic bag, by law? You know, the identification cards are coming in...
:'''Hugh:''' You've fucking cracked! Are you mad?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' What if the announcement is...there's no big announcement.
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, for goodness...
:'''Ollie:''' No, no, wait. Right? We say, &quot;The Department of Social Affairs has been doing amazing work, bread-and-butter work, belt-and-braces work, the kind of work that you people aren't interested in cos it's not shiny, shiny, media-friendly stuff. You are so obsessed with how things play in the media, you sickos, that every time we try and do, you know, just carry on with our day, you don't show up, so we have to call a big, you know, thing like this.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' On target, under budget. 
:'''Ollie:''' Coalface politics. 
:'''Hugh:''' Absolutely. Yes, I like that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Not wasting resources. 
:'''Hugh:''' Good. Let's do that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Let's go for that.
:'''Hugh:''' We trick them. We trick them. Tinselly thing and they come along and we say, &quot;Ah, that's what we've been doing, we've been doing our fucking jobs!&quot; ''(beat)'' Yes, they never print that stuff, do they? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, and you've come all this way, we've got you two hours out of London to come and cover this.
:'''Hugh:''' You mugs! You mugs! 
:'''Ollie:''' But you know what? You've got a bigger story here than you have chasing your tinsel. 
:'''Hugh:''' Which is you live in a country which is properly...There's not many countries can say that. 
:'''Glenn:''' And we've probably got 10,000,000 we can throw at it. 
:'''Hugh:''' That's good, because it sounds like a lot, doesn't it. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are at the school, preparing for Hugh's big speech.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' I've got a thing here that says &quot;springy concrete.&quot; I don't know, I think that's about the playground.
:'''Glenn:''' Springy concrete? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing his speech)'' Good afternoon...Should I say &quot;Hello, boys and girls?&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, very nice. 
:'''Hugh:''' Like a fucking panto dame.
:'''Ollie:''' He's gonna look ridiculous on the six o'clock news saying, &quot;Hello, boys and girls.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' He's talking to the audience in front of him. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing)'' Real money for real families. ''(asking Glenn and Ollie)'' Real families or real people? 
:'''Glenn:''' Families. 
:'''Ollie:''' People. Real people. 
:'''Glenn:''' You see? Don't...Families. 
:'''Ollie:''' Families sounds exclusive. It sounds kinda back to basics, it sounds [[wikipedia:John Major|John Major]]. 
:'''Glenn:''' People sounds Communist.
:'''Ollie:''' It doesn't sound Communist. 
:'''Hugh:''' I'll say families. 
:'''Glenn:''' Thank you, Hugh. 
:'''Ollie:''' Say families of people. 
:''(A schools-woman approaches the room.)'' 
:'''Schools-woman:''' Mr. Abbot. 
:'''Glenn:''' Great. You're on. Here we go. 
:'''Hugh:''' Thank you. 
:'''Glenn:''' It's what you do best, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yep. ''(to the schools-woman)'' This is lovely. Very nice indeed. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(But a short time later...Hugh's speech bombed.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Well, that was a fucking disaster. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Surprisingly, Hugh's press conference was so boring that it was a success! Hugh and Glenn are celebrating at the office.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Well, you really pulled it round, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' I took the flak, you supplied the flak jacket. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and the bullets bounced off. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is what it's all about, Glenn. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is what it's -- All those years at the coalface, hanging in there, taking all the shit, all the bullshit. 
:'''Glenn:''' When you are Senior Cabinet Minister, then we'll show them. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, and Snooper Force? Bollocks, we'll get rid of that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Aw, for fuck's sake, yeah. Fiddling while Rome burns. 
:'''Hugh:''' Fucking right. We'll kick some arse. We'll kick some butt! Kick some butt! 
:'''Glenn:''' That's what we're in it for, mate, tell them all the shit that we do. 
:''(Glenn sees Malcolm standing behind Hugh, but Hugh is blissfully unaware.)''
:'''Hugh:''' It's a means to an end, mate. 
:''(Hugh then sees Malcolm right behind him.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck me, Malcolm. How do you do that? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Can I have a word with you?
:''(Glenn, who had earlier slammed doors in Ollie's and Terri's faces, finds a door being slammed in his face.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm wants to discuss Hugh's speech at the school.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' I'm hacked off, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(stuttering)'' But w-w-we killed it. It-it's killed. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but once you start the fire...And we didn't start the fire. It was always burning since the world's been turning, et cetera, et cetera. 
:'''Hugh:''' Sorry, Malcolm, you're not making any sense. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Prime Minister, obviously, he's on the plane in Stockholm, and somebody hits him with ''The World At One.'' He thinks it's the Treasury trying to stiff him one, so he, um... he stuck with the story. 
:'''Hugh:''' He liked it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, he's backing the Snooper Force. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(smiling)'' Oh, right. We shouldn't really then have, I mean, you shouldn't really have told us to, uh...Should you? ''(chuckles)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't should me, Hugh. Cos I'll should you right back. I'll should you right through that window. None of this SHOULD be happening, should it? SHOULD it? Should it? 
:'''Hugh:''' Is that should in the...sense of yes, or...? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's should in the sense of &quot;You should do as you're fucking told.&quot;  
:'''Hugh:''' What are we gonna do now? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're gonna completely reverse your position.  
:'''Hugh:''' Hang on a second. Malcolm, it's not actually that, um – I mean, that's gonna be quite hard, really.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well the announcement that you didn't make today, you did.  
:'''Hugh:''' No, no, I didn't, ''and'' there were television cameras there while I was not doing it.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck them!  
:'''Hugh:''' I'm not quite sure h– what level of reality I'm supposed to be operating on.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, this is what they run with. I tell them that you said it, they believe that you said it. They don't really believe you said it, they know that you never said it. 
:'''Hugh:''' Right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' But it's in their interests to say that you said it. Because if they don't say that you said it, they're not gonna get what you say tomorrow or the next day, when I decide to tell them what it is you're saying. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I-I am following this. I just... 
:'''Malcolm:''' I had a friend who used to indulge in extramarital affairs, OK? He would go off and he'd have some dalliance, and every Monday he'd come back and he'd meet his wife. And he told me that all he did was inside his head turn a little switch. The affair never happened. OK? 
:'''Hugh:''' Right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' There's not a prob -- I don't -- What is the problem with this? 
:'''Hugh:''' The problem with it...First of all, I didn't get much dalliance. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get it into your head. Rewind today into your head. 
:'''Hugh:''' OK, stop explaining it to me!  
:'''Malcolm:''' I have to fucking explain it to you, man. You haven't been here long enough. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is in an office arguing with his ex-girlfriend, Angela Heaney...who's also a news journalist.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I'm really glad you came in, Angela. 
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, I could lose my job, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah... 
:'''Angela:''' Because I went all hot and heavy to the news desk with three directly contradictory stories in one day. 
:'''Ollie:''' I know, 
:'''Angela:''' They gave me flip-flops. You know? Someone actually went out and bought me flip-flops to give me. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. You've gotta give them credit for that, that is quite funny. 
:'''Angela:''' Yeah. And they pasted onto them...a fucking porn picture of a girl sucking a big cock and they wrote, &quot;Angela Heaney swallows anything.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' That is less funny. Obviously, that's actually quite offensive. 
:'''Angela:''' Can you give me one good reason why I shouldn't do a big story on the, you know, the day of spin? 
:'''Ollie:''' Wh-Why? What sort of story? ''(Ollie starts stammering and struggling to defend himself...)'' 
:'''Angela:''' Inside story of a government department out of control. With diagrams and maybe a flow chart with your face and name on it. And Glenn's and Hugh's and big arrows showing who spoke to who and how you all fucked it up. Yeah, I think I could write that one up myself, Ollie. I think I could do the punctuation on ''that'' one. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I'm sorry. 
:''(Suddenly, Malcolm comes into the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm''': Hey. Hi, Angela. Oh, I like the hair, nice little corkscrews. How's it going? 
:'''Ollie''': Yeah, er, fine. Um, we were just, er, talking about why Angela shouldn't do a big story on the big insidery piece, kinda day of spin, sort of spread in the paper... 
:'''Malcolm''': Oh, I don't know. Maybe you should! Good idea! 
:''(Malcolm leaves -- then comes back.)'' 
:'''Malcolm''': Oh, wait a minute. I know why she shouldn't. Because, you know, if she did that, she'd be dead. To me, to this department, to the government. And she'll never get another story, or even a fucking whiff of a story as long as she kept her sorry, hack bitch face lingering around Westminster, because I would call every editor I know - which, obviously, that's all of them - and I'd tell them to gouge her name out of their address books so she'd never even get a job on hospital radio ''where the sad sack belongs.'' That's what I'd tell her. ''(to Ollie)'' But maybe you should do it. See you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. ''(to Angela)'' He's actually...He can be really nice. It's been a very long day. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Hugh:''' I want a new driver. Get me a new driver. I don't want to see this guy ever again. 
:'''Glenn:''' On what grounds? 
:'''Hugh:''' Smiling. Inappropriate smiling. And smirking. Smiling and smirking. I don't want to see that smile or smirk ever again. OK? Thank you. ''(Hugh turns to the driver)'' OK, thank you very much. 
:'''Driver:''' Which way do you want to go? 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't care, you're the boss.

==Series 1, Episode 2==
:''(This is the opening scene of the episode.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You're late. And you look like shit. 
:'''Hugh:''' I know both of those things already. [[wikipedia:Margaret Thatcher|Margaret Thatcher]] used to survive on less than four hours' sleep a night. How is that possible? 
:'''Glenn:''' Monkey glands. She was mad. Mad people have different needs. 
:'''Hugh:''' And she lived above the shop, so she didn't have to commute. God, London is so big. Can't we devolve some of it? If I could get just one decent night's shut-eye... 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, Hugh, do yourself a favor. Stay over in the flat. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can't break my promise to Kate. 
:'''Glenn:''' I mean, do you actually get to see the children? 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn, I don't have time for that. All I do... I work, I eat, I shower. That's it. Occasionally... I take a dump, just as a sort of treat. I mean, that really is my treat. That's what it's come to. I sit there and I think, &quot;No, I'm not going to read the [[wikipedia:New_Statesman|''New Statesman'']]. This time is just for me. This is quality time just for me.&quot; Is that normal?
:'''Glenn''': It's sad.
:'''Hugh''': Well at least I've made something.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are on the phone, discussing an article by Simon Hewitt.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Hello, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you got Simon Hewitt's piece in front of you? 
:'''Hugh:''' I haven't been quite through it, erm, yet. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you got to the bit where he calls ''you'' out of your depth?
:'''Hugh:''' No, at the moment he's calling me 'the political equivalent of the house wine at a suburban Indian restaurant'. That's not very good, is it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' So, how do we respond to this?
:'''Terri:''' Right, we don't exchange insults with bloody Simon arsepipes titty-twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Is that honestly the best swearing that you can come up with?  
:'''Glenn:''' This is a bucket of shit: if someone throws shit at us, we throw shit back at them, we start a shit fight. We throw so much shit back at them that they can't pick up shit, they can't throw shit, they can't do shit.  
:'''Terri:''' Mm.  
:'''Hugh:''' That's top swearing, Glenn, well done.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' Watch and learn.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' ''(thinking of policy ideas)'' Shut up for a minute, please. Where else can we go? Pollution, the environment. Litter. Dog shit. 
:'''Ollie:''' Aiming high.  
:'''Hugh:''' We aimed high, now we're at dog shit.  
:'''Ollie:''' So what you're looking for –  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' OK, this is what we're doing. I'm putting it about through a number of cronies –  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' – that Hewitt's piece was a packet of bollocks; he did it as a favour to Cliff.  
:'''Ollie:''' Cliff being –  
:'''Glenn:''' Cliff Lawton.  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh right.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh's predecessor. He and Hewitt are as tight as arse cheeks.  
:'''Hugh:''' Are they now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck knows, but that's what we're saying, OK? It's personal, it's backslapping, it's borderline homoerotic, and you are an innocent victim of a nasty media stitch-up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh has just asked Terri which policy idea she prefers: Glenn's or Ollie's?)'' 
:'''Terri:''' It's not my role to have a preference. I sell the apples. If you want me to sell the apples, I'll sell the apples. And if you want me to sell the oranges, then I'll go and tell people the apples? &quot;The apples are shit, Ollie. They're shit.&quot; I'll say, &quot;Go on! Check out our oranges!&quot; 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' And you're against it? 
:'''Glenn:''' It'll die on its arse! 'My grandma was mugged by some ferret-faced teenager with a neck tattoo, what are you gonna do about it?' 'Teach him to play the bassoon.' It is, as my dear old mother would have said, double wank and shit chips.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Well, my guts still say no.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well substantial as they are, they've been outvoted.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I know you were very keen on Terri's appointment but, um –  
:'''Malcolm:''' She's shit.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I wouldn't go that far.  
:'''Malcolm:''' She's a box-ticker, Hugh. She can't think outside the box.  
:'''Hugh:''' No, in fact she's built a box inside the actual box and she's doing her thinking inside that box.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Exactly, I like that.  
:'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry, I'm so tired, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No, that's good.  
:'''Hugh:''' I have so much stuff to read and think about.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''': Anyway, these focus groups, they're absolutely useless.
:'''Ollie''': Oh, so it's useless to ask people what they think, is it? It's useless to ask people's opinions before we formulate a policy? It's useless?!
:'''Glenn''': Look, there's no point in asking people what they think. They either don't know what they think or they think that you should bring back hanging for traffic wardens. Or they just think what every right-minded thinking person would think, and that's just common sense!
:'''Ollie''': Oh, yeah yeah yeah, oh yeah, ''&quot;I'm Geoff Average, and I think the same as everybody else cos I'm Mr Average Normal Bloke and everybody thinks like me cos I work in IT, and on the weekends I pop a few pills and do a bit of DJ-ing, y'know, spare cash cos I'm a single mum and I'm a member of the [[wikipedia:National_Trust_for_Places_of_Historic_Interest_or_Natural_Beauty|National Trust]], I enjoy any sports on TV, anything with Colin Firth, I enjoy domestic violence and sun-dried fucking...karaoke.&quot;'' Not everybody is the same, Glenn! People can surprise you!
:'''Glenn:''' Was that good-natured joshing?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is still working late at night in his office, eating a piece of fruit, when his cell phone rings.) 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering the call)'' Tucker. 
:'''Simon Hewitt:''' Malcolm, uh...hope I didn't wake you up. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(spitting)'' Hewitt. 
:'''Simon:''' Yeah, I'm doing a piece this Sunday, a big piece on focus groups. It's sort of inspired by your latest policy disaster. I'm gonna be concentrating on how your man Abbot can't do a single thing without focus groups. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(clearly unmoved)'' I'm shaking with fear. 
:'''Simon:''' Yeah, well, that's sexual jealousy. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're so very very witty. Pity none of it ever makes it into your columns. 
:'''Simon:''' Listen, I'd love to spend the rest of the evening listening to you, but I've got better things to do.
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off back to your match reports, you twat! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' How fucked am I?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you look awful, you look terrible. I mean, you often look quite bad, but...
:'''Hugh:''' I mean, in terms of negative publicity. On the fuckometer, where am I?
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, 12.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 12, say.
:'''Hugh:''' Out of what?
:'''Glenn:''' Er... 50.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh. Mine was out of ten.
:'''Hugh:''' Right, ''(to Glenn)'' so I'm 24% fucked according to you, ''(to Ollie)'' but according to you I'm 120% fucked?
:'''Ollie:''' Um, yeah, I didn't...
:''(But before Ollie can finish his thought, Terri enters the office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, have you got anything for us? 
:'''Terri:''' Well, I can't ask them to drop the piece. It would make us look pathetic. 
:'''Hugh:''' Terri, I don't mean to come across all Mr. Gradgrind, but this is your job, isn't it? Sorting out the press? This is what you do for a living? 
:'''Terri:''' This is Malcolm's problem, anyway. He's the one who took it over. It's him that spun that...
:''(Before Terri can finish her point, Malcolm enters the room and takes charge.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right, listen up, this is what we're gonna do. I'm bringing forward Hugh's interview with Angela to this afternoon. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It goes out as a spoiler tomorrow morning. That way, we can get our side of the story across and also piss all over Simon Hewitt's corn flakes, sadly only metaphorically, yeah? Right, okay. Ollie, call Heaney. Terri, get on to her editor. Glenn, book her room. [[wikipedia:The_Professionals_(TV_series)|Bodie, Doyle, you go round the back]].
:''(The other 4 are confused by Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' At times of stress, I make jokes! 
:''(Glenn, Terri and Ollie go about their business.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right, um...What do I do? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sit down in front of the TV with me. You're gonna watch that Zeitgeist tape now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are in Hugh's office watching The Bill on tape. Hugh is sort of dozing off to sleep, when all of a sudden...he wakes up to see Mary, the Focus Group Superstar, in the show!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, but people watch it. This gets 6,000,000. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' She's an actress. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Who? 
:'''Hugh:''' Mary, from the focus group, she's an actress. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, relax, that doesn't matter. These focus groups, they do it all the time. If they're a bit short on numbers, they bung in a couple of actors. It doesn't matter because it's a focus group - key word, &quot;group.&quot; 
:''(Hugh's trying to find a solution to his problem...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Ooh, I've just remembered. Um...can you just... 
:'''Malcolm:''' Should I pause it? 
:'''Hugh:''' If you could pause it for a second, I'll be...I'm sorry, I'll just be back in a sec. 
:''(Hugh rushes to get help from Glenn. Hugh has to whisper to Glenn so Malcolm doesn't hear anything.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn? 
:'''Glenn:''' What?  
:'''Hugh:''' I've got a bit of a problem. You remember Mary from the focus group?  
:'''Glenn:''' What, Miss, uh, Immaculate Bloody Conception?  
:'''Hugh:''' She's an actress.  
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean?  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean she's – No, there's no clearer way of saying it, she's an actress.  
:'''Glenn:''' Are you sure?  
:'''Hugh:''' I've just seen her, she's in ''[[wikipedia:The_Bill|The fucking Bill]]''!  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus! Look, this doesn't necessarily have to be a total fucking disaster.  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, I think it does, because she wasn't for real, she's not really, uh, a stay-at-home [[wikipedia:Middle_England|Middle England]] housewife, she-she's just playing a part, so what she said wasn't, you know –  
:''(Hugh and Glenn walk past Terri, who is on the phone.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yeah, I do know.  
:'''Terri:''' What, who said what wasn't what?  
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' We are organising focus groups to listen to the opinions of ordinary people, except they're ''not'' ordinary people! They're fucking actors, so they're not technically people at all!  
:''(Glenn and Hugh go to Ollie's desk.)''  
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Can I get back to you?  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' What is it?  
:'''Glenn:''' Your fucking legend is a fucking actress!  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, 'cause the focus group companies do it all the time. If they can't cobble together, you know, the right cross-section, they call a casting agency –  
:'''Glenn:''' Dial-an-opinion, is it? 'Send me three liberals, two fucking mavericks and a racist.' Brilliant, Ollie! Brilliant!
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering)'' We've based the whole thing on her! Just her! Her alone! 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't you see? Why didn't you run it past me for once? 
:''(Hugh storms off towards a nearby cupboard.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(still whispering)'' Shit! Shit! 
:''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri continue whispering argumentatively.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' It's not real! 
:'''Terri:''' I thought I recognized her. You know, she was in ''[[wikipedia:Midsomer Murders|Midsomer Murders]]''. 
:'''Glenn:''' Why didn't you say anything? 
:'''Terri:''' I saw her in ''Midsomer Murders''. I thought she might've had a twin or something. 
:'''Glenn:''' What a stupid thing to...
:''(While Glenn, Terri and Ollie continue arguing, Hugh sulks silently in the cupboard.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck! Fuck! 
:''(But as soon as Hugh starts banging things and making noise, somebody opens the cupboard door: It's Malcolm...and he's not happy.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You said 'she.' 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Come out of the cupboard, Hugh. 
:'''Hugh:''' No. 
:''(Malcolm enters the cupboard.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, we have to sort this out. When I asked you about the focus group – 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' – you said 'she' loved it.  
:'''Hugh:''' We gave her a one-on-one.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Why?  
:'''Hugh:''' She's Middle England.  
:'''Malcolm:''' So Middle England is a big fucking field, with ''one woman'' standing in it?  
:'''Hugh:''' Do you think Hewitt will find out?  
:'''Malcolm:''' OF COURSE HE FUCKING WILL, SHE'S HIS MOLE! THAT'S WHY HE'S GOT A PIECE IN THE PAPER TOMORROW! 
:''(Malcolm leaves the cupboard, with Hugh right behind him.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn, Ollie, Terri and Hugh)'' We've got to shut this down now, right? I want this leaked to Angela Heaney. It's damage control, OK? We put out the story the way ''we'' want it, before Hewitt fucks us up the bugle! Get onto it, now!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are trying to defend themselves. Terri's on the phone trying to contact Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Hugh:''' I didn't know that she's an actress! 
:'''Glenn:''' No, exactly! We, we've been lied to! We've been abused! We are the victims of abuse! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(holding the phone)'' Ollie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Shut up! 
:'''Terri:''' Can you call her? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, I'll call her! 
:''(Malcolm re-enters the picture.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How could I know you are a broken vase?
:'''Hugh:''' What the fuck are you talking about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're a broken vase! 
:'''Hugh:''' How do I know she's an actress? I never watch television! That's why you have to give me a stupid tape! 
:''(Hugh comes up with a plan...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Listen, we're gonna get her in, we're gonna talk to her, she'll meet us...I will talk to her because I'm good with people. She can help us, she'll see our point of view, we'll be fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I hope so. I hope that's what gonna happen. 
:'''Ollie:''' Or we kill her. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Later that night, Malcolm, Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are talking to Mary. They're discussing what's going to happen because of her being an actress in a focus group.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mary)'' Do you just want to think about what is going to happen tomorrow? 
:'''Hugh:''' Because tomorrow, you are gonna find the press all over you –  
:'''Mary:''' In a good way?  
:'''Hugh:''' No, not in a good way at all, I can tell you –  
:'''Malcolm:''' You know that film ''[[Notting Hill]]'', have you seen that?  
:'''Glenn:''' She's probably fucking in it.  
:'''Malcolm:''' You know that bit where the guy opens the door –  
:'''Mary:''' What is this?  
:'''Malcolm:''' – and there's like millions of journalists and hacks and photographers and all flashbulbs are going off? In about four hours time, that's gonna be you, darling: they're gonna be all over you like fucking cockroaches.  
:'''Hugh''' ''(trying to comfort Mary)'': It's OK, it's OK.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no no no no no no, it's NOT OK! It's not gonna be OK, and I'll tell you why: Because you're fair game. So I hope your knickers are clean. Because every seat-sniffing little shitbag that's ever filed a byline is gonna be questioning you. 'Cause now, it's in the fucking public interest, isn't it? And they're gonna hit you with any shit they can find and you're gonna be spread out there in front of them like a trollop in the [[wikipedia:Stocks|stocks]]!
:'''Mary:''' I still don't really understand what's going on. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can hold those dogs back, right?  
:'''Mary:''' What do you mean? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice journalist, yeah? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, exactly. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice young journalist, Angela Heaney...and maybe you...maybe you, I mean I don't know what shit that he made you sign, but whatever it was, it was bullshit. Maybe if you just say that, you know, uh, you were misquoted and also that Simon Hewitt's a prick, right? If you just said that...
:'''Mary:''' Who? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, the journalist that you told your story to. 
:'''Mary:''' I, I didn't...I didn't talk to any journalist. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You spoke to Simon Hewitt. 
:'''Mary:''' No, I...
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking spoke to Simon Hewitt, he's a fat guy with a tiny little dick the size of a bookie's biro. You fucking spoke to him. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(getting mad)'' I'd like to go now! 
:''(Now, ALL the guys are shouting!)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you speak to Simon Hewitt? 
:'''Mary:''' No! I don't even know...
:'''Hugh:''' You didn't speak to him. 
:'''Malcolm:''' She didn't fucking speak to him. 
:''(The guys are starting to realize that Mary's telling the truth.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' I don't know anyone called...Simon...whatever the fuck.
:''(Malcolm starts yelling under his breath.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Hewitt. 
:'''Mary:''' Hewitt, yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' She doesn't even know! ''(to Malcolm)'' Malcolm...Fuck's sake! 
:'''Mary:''' ''(talking about Malcolm)'' What's the matter with him? 
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie. ''(Glenn's motioning to Ollie to take Mary out of the room.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Mary)'' Sorry for anything I said that might have upset you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(trying to apologize to Mary)'' Sorry, darling. Sorry, love. Just been crossed lines, darling. Sorry about that...
:'''Mary:''' Will you leave me alone? 
:''(Ollie escorts Mary, who's understandably upset, out of the room.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' '''''FOR FUCK'S SAKE!''''' 
:'''Glenn:''' She didn't even know! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck him! 
:'''Hugh:''' That didn't really work, did it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Is it too late...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(confused and stunned)'' So can I just get this, this straight, just for my, just for my own sanity... 
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, if we get on the phone, can we pull the front page?  
:'''Hugh:''' No. It's too late.  
:'''Glenn:''' You mean Heaney's piece is gonna go ahead anyway now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it's gonna fucking go ahead! I mean, I'm good but I can't fucking hold back the tide, can I? Alright, that's it. That's it. I'm going to bed. 
:'''Hugh:''' Kind of ironic, really...
:'''Malcolm:''' You're fucking on your own! ''(Malcolm angrily leaves, slamming the door.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ...because she, she hasn't actually spoken to, to Hewitt, uh...and we've, of our own volition, voluntarily released the story to the, to the press...unnecessarily. Um...Damn. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Can you wake me in a couple of hours? ''(Hugh lies down on a sofa)'' There's no time to go home, I'll just pass myself coming back in.

==Series 1, Episode 3==
:'''Terri:''' Did you say we were gonna do a press release? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, erm, &quot;Following a successful report stage debate, Secretary of State for Social Affairs, Hugh Abbot, today announced: 'I'm the fucking daddy!'&quot;&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Dan Miller:''' How are you, Glenn?
:'''Glenn:''' I'm good, thank you – Actually, I just thought you were very heavy-handed with the backbenchers. No need for it in this day and age.
:'''Dan Miller:''' Listen, Glenn. I mean, you know as well as I do, if you're going to make an omelette, you're going to have to have some frank and honest discussion with the eggs. And that's all I was doing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is in his office on his desk phone, trying to explain himself to a fellow government official.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not complacent, Tom. ''(beat)'' Yeah, I know we did take a hit over the-the-the focus group thing, but it wasn't a ''big'' hit. ''(beat)'' Oh yeah? Says who? ''(beat)'' Oh, the prime minister told you that, huh? Well, get you. ''(beat)'' Look, I can only cook with what I've been given. You know, it's like ''[[wikipedia:Ready Steady Cook|Ready Steady Cook]].'' You give me Hugh Abbot, I'll give you bangers and mash. But if you give me Gerry from the Home Office, well then, I can raise it to fucking risotto and scallops. Do you know what I mean? ''(beat)'' Yeah yeah yeah. Ok, ok. Ok, bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(looking at Hugh's tie)''
:'''Glenn:''' What are those? They're little hippos, aren't they?
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know what they are actually; I think they're just unidentified amusing creatures.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' So what time does this ''[[w:Daily Mail|Daily Mail]]'' hack get here?
:'''Glenn:''' Ten minutes, it's Angela Heaney, didn't I tell you?
:'''Hugh:''' So she left the ''[[w:Evening Standard|Standard]]''?
:'''Glenn:''' That's right, absolutely.
:'''Hugh:''' Go on then: ask me some questions.
:'''Glenn:''' Right, OK, I'll be Angela Heaney, and I'll ask you some questions.
:'''Hugh:''' My God, that's uncanny. Mind you, your tits are a bit bigger than hers.
:'''Glenn:''' Is it true that, although this Housing Bill went through Parliament with incredible ease –
:'''Hugh:''' Actually, can you just do it as yourself? Sorry, it's just slightly unsettling.
:'''Glenn:''' Right, erm – that you'll find a lot of difficulty in the real world?
:'''Hugh:''' On the contrary, this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large number of people. Ordinary people, but ordinary people who ''deserve'' a little bit of the extraordinary in their lives.
:''(both start giggling)''
:'''Glenn:''' Perfect. That's brilliant. That's brilliant!
:'''Hugh:''' It's a piece of piss.
:'''Glenn:''' There you are, you see.
:'''Hugh:''' Go on, ask me something hard.
:'''Glenn:''' Where's the [[w:Nazi gold|Nazi gold]], you donkey-shagger?
:'''Hugh:''' I'm very pleased you asked me that, Angela, because let me just say right away that this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large –
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office, on his mobile)'': Hi Tom, what can I do for you? ''(beat)'' Well, I-I didn't know what he was doing with his flat – I told him that fucking flat w– Well, they're not running with this – No, well, I know, he's got-he's got an interview now with that-that-that Angela Heaney, you know, the twat bubble from the ''Standard'' – Fuck, she's just gone to the ''Mail''. I'm onto it. ''(Malcolm hangs up and leaves his office.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(After a LOT of running, Malcolm finally arrives at the floor where Hugh is talking to Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' WHERE THE FUCK IS HE??? 
:'''Ollie:''' He's in the goldfish bowl!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Hugh is still talking to Angela.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' No, no. Look, I'm very glad you brought that up, because that -- gives me...that gives me the opportunity to...Sorry...I...''(Hugh's looking at Malcolm through the 'goldfish bowl')'' Just mucking about...Um...
:'''Hugh:''' I have always maintained very clearly...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the door)'' Hi, Angela. Sorry, sorry, sorry, can I just borrow the Minister for a moment? 
:'''Hugh:''' Sure. Sorry, be right back with you. 
:''(Barely audible, outside the 'goldfish bowl' where Angela was interviewing Hugh...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' They're running about your fucking flat, I fucking told you about that. How the fuck did you think it was gonna run, you STUPID CUNT?! How am I supposed to control what's going on if I don't know WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? YOU'RE A FUCKING PRICK! AN ABSOLUTE CUNT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
:''(While Malcolm is still yelling at Hugh, Terri opens the door to the &quot;Goldfish Bowl.&quot; She comes in and offers to get Angela some goodies.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Angela, can I get you a fresh cup of coffee? 
:'''Angela:''' No, I'm fine, thanks. 
:'''Terri:''' Um, would you like some tea? 
:'''Angela:''' Nope, nope. 
:'''Terri:''' No biscuits or anything? 
:'''Angela:''' No. 
:'''Terri:''' Do let me know if you need anything else. 
:'''Angela:''' I will. Thanks very much. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' GET BACK IN THERE AND WRAP THIS BULLSHIT UP! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh re-enters the 'goldfish bowl'...)
:'''Hugh:''' Ah. Hah! Bit of a disagreement. 
:'''Angela:''' Blimey. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. Um, could you...I'm just curious, could you hear? Because we were actually...We can be quite brutal to each other, because we're actually very, very good, good friends.
:'''Angela:''' Right.   
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Moments later, Malcolm is in Hugh's office, arguing with Glenn and Ollie over the scandal involving Hugh and his flat.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn)'' You haven't been accepting ''any'' offers?
:'''Glenn:''' NO! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus...
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that wasn't the point! The whole deal was we put the flat on the market so if the press are asking us, we say, &quot;Fuck off, he's selling it!&quot; They'll go away and then, you know, Hugh's got a place in town! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What the fuck is your girlfriend doing hitting us with this, huh? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my girlfriend, Malcolm. So I've no idea. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well you won't mind if I kill her then, will you? 
:'''Ollie:''' It'd solve a lot of issues for me, to be honest with you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey! Hey hey hey, if you could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into dropping us you'd be sweet to me, you'd be very very sweet –
:'''Ollie:''' If I could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into anything I would have had a more comfortable four months –
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah well, I'll just have to kill the both of you then, won't I?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well.
:'''Malcolm:''' That's a joke, by the way, not a very nice one, a nasty one which masks a lot of very negative feelings about this fucking department.
:''(Malcolm's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (looking at his phone)'' Oh, Jesus. Tom Davies. ''(answering)'' Tom! Hello, how are you? Yes. No no, he was already there when I got there, he was talking to her. ''(Malcolm leaves Hugh's office.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh re-enters the office as he and his team try to create an emergency strategy of sorts.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' What is happening? 
:'''Ollie:''' What the hell was that? 
:'''Hugh:''' What is happening? That was supposed-that was supposed to be a nice interview. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' What on Earth did you say to her? 
:'''Hugh:''' I think-I think I denied being a racist. I hope so. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You didn't say that you have lots of black friends, you didn't go...
:'''Hugh:''' Of course not. Well, I haven't-I haven't got any. 
:'''Ollie:''' What did you say about the offers? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(stammering)'' I-I-I said I wasn't, I wasn't...someone else was handling the sale and I wasn't aware of any offers. 
:'''Glenn:''' Hugh?
:'''Hugh:''' Hmm? 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you mention me by name? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(still stammering)'' Um, possibly -- No, I-I don't think -- I-I may in between denying racism, possibly have, yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(displeased)'' Thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks a fucking bunch! 
:''(Terri enters the office.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' OK, so what's the line on this then? 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. What is-what is the line on this? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, still upset)'' I don't know! Don't look at me! 
:'''Hugh:''' But we need to have a line on this.
:''(Malcolm re-enters the office with some surprise news.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, we've got movement, we got a break. 
:'''Glenn:''' What? What? What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' The flat's sold. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(in disbelief)'' ''WHAT?'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' To the Asian family, for 40 grand below the asking price. But that's alright.
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''WHAT IS HAPPENING?!'' 
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? 
:'''Terri:''' We're too late. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? 
:'''Terri:''' All the papers have got a hold of it. The ''Express'' has been making offers on it, at the asking price and also £30,000 more. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(stunned)'' Jesus...
:'''Terri:''' Haven't been accepted. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We've got to stall. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is madness! I just own a flat, I haven't raped somebody! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' Yeah, they're calling the scandal &quot;Flatgate.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' ''Scandal?!'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Flatgate?!
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that's crap. It's a crap name for a scandal. 
:'''Terri:''' They should call it &quot;Notting Hill Gate-gate.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' Can we at least stop calling it a scandal? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri, unamused)'' Are you joking? Are you joking now? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(leaving the office)'' On my way to stall. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get stalling. 
:''(A moment of silence...and then...)''
:'''Hugh:''' Maybe we can just blame it all on Terri.
:'''Glenn:''' That is an option, isn't it? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The next day, Hugh is in Malcolm's office...arguing about &quot;Flatgate.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' It's a flat! 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is a second home! In a borough with thousands of homeless people that you have kept more or less empty for ages! Have you not read your own Housing Bill, for God's sake? 
:'''Hugh:''' It wasn't-I only kept it empty for a little while to see my bloody family. Obviously, on reflection, I should have filled it with prostitutes and, and rent boys and crack cocaine pimp tattoo freaks. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Thanks to Dan Miller and his like, the Housing Bill is a success, but this is ''burying'' the whole thing! 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, what do you want ''me'' to do? ''Resign?'' ''(Malcolm stares at him)'' No, no! No, that is – I'm not going over this.
:'''Malcolm:''' The way out of this situation is for you to –  
:'''Hugh:''' This is madness, Malcolm, this desire for perfection, that – I am not perfect, I am just a person, right? I need to sleep, I need to eat, occasionally I need to take a dump. So, I mean, what's next, I mean, do we put that on the evening news, on the front page? &quot;Minister is disgusting defecation outburst&quot;. [[wikipedia:Mollie_Sugden|Mollie Sugden]] at Number 10: &quot;Did you enjoy your shit, Mr Abbot?&quot; They should just clone ministers, you know, so we're born at 55, with no past, and no flats, and no genitals. Just a world of robots in a sort of – It's like a futuristic film, and you'd enjoy that, wouldn't you? You'd be in your little space station surrounded by obedient androids, like that fucking brushed-aluminium Dan Miller cyber-prick!  
:'''Malcolm:''' It ''is'' possible to have a good resignation, you know!
:'''Hugh:''' ''A good resignation?'' Oh, I'm looking forward to how you're gonna sell ''this'' to me!
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, people really like it when you go just a bit early! You know, steely-jawed, faraway look in your eyes! Before they're getting to the point when they're sitting round in the pub saying &quot;Oh, that fucker's got to go&quot;, you ''surprise'' them! &quot;''Blimey'', he's gone, I didn't expect that! Resigned? You don't see that much anymore! Old school! Respect! I rather liked the guy! He was hounded out by the fucking press!&quot; How about that, huh? What a way to go, yeah?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' You know, I'm just the counter man in [[w:McDonalds|McDonald's]], I'm not that important, frankly; you're the clown running the shop, you're the one that they want to see strung up from a lamppost by his fucking wig.
:'''Glenn:''' What does that make me?
:'''Ollie:''' [[w:Ronald McDonald|Ronald McDonald]].
:'''Glenn:''' Well, fuck off!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' &quot;Department of Social Affairs&quot;, Department of Fucking Shocking, Shitty, Charlatan, ''Shits!'' That's what – ''(to Ollie)'' Feet off the furniture, you [[wikipedia:Oxbridge|Oxbridge]] twat! You're no' on a [[wikipedia:Punt_(boat)#Punting_in_England|punt]] now.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''' ''(to Dan Miller)'': I've missed my ideal resigning point. With every day I delay, it's another year before I can get back again. If I had resigned the day I was appointed, I'd actually be Prime Minister by now.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Social Affairs, what the fuck does that actually mean? You know, it's so vague. You know, 'Hello, I'm Hugh Abbot, the Minister for, I dunno, stuff'.

==Series 2, Episode 1==
:''(Ollie has had sex with Emma. And he realizes the whole office knows about it -- much to his dismay.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Terri, is, uh -- ''(Ollie instead sees Robyn Murdoch.)'' Oh, hello, Robyn. Where's Terri? Is she not...
:'''Robyn Murdoch:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, morning, Mr. Lover-Loverman! 
:'''Ollie:''' Does -- Does nobody else ever shag anybody else in Westminster? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(pretending to be seductive)'' ''Hey, Horatio!'' ''(beat)'' How's it hanging? 
:'''Ollie:''' It's hanging fine. 
:'''Glenn:''' Sleeping with the opposition, I hear, hey? 
:'''Ollie:''' Not all of them. 
:'''Glenn:''' What do they do? Do they keep a tight hold on the fiscal, um, the fiscal, you know, um...
:'''Ollie:''' Scrotum? What? What? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(beside himself)'' Shagging the opposition. Never would have happened in my day. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my opposite number, Glenn. 'Cause Levitt has gone to Shadow Defence, so she's doing Shadow Defence, so she's no longer Social Affairs, so...
:'''Glenn:''' Did you manage to do some good while you were there and steal a few policy papers? 
:'''Ollie:''' It's hard to know why you're so unsuccessful with the opposite sex. I'll tell you what, though...
:'''Glenn:''' I never fucked Terri. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Terri. Did you not know? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's, um...
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's what? 
:'''Ollie:''' Binned her. She's gone. 
:'''Glenn:''' You're jo...
:''(At this moment, Hugh enters the office -- and even HE knows about Ollie's night of romance with Emma!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Morning, studmuffin. Enjoy your walk on the wild side? How was your dip in the wild blue – pussy?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Hugh, I have some wonderful news for you. Terri's gone. 
:'''Hugh:''' What? 
:'''Glenn:''' Terri. Terri's gone. 
:'''Hugh:''' What do you mean &quot;gone?&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. A resignation bluff that went awry. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(very happy)'' NO! YES! OH, RESULT! WHOO! WHOO! ALL RIGHT! COME ON! HIGH FIVE! 
:''(But Robyn comes into the office to deliver some sad news about Terri's father.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Secretary of State, um, just to let you know, Terri's father's, uh, had a stroke. It's pretty serious, um, so she's gonna be gone quite awhile. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(much more sympathetic)'' I'm...Oh dear, that's awful. I'm so sorry. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm and his second-in-command, Jamie, are having a good, lively talk while walking to Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Where's Neil?
:'''Malcolm:''' Leicester, poor fucker. You'd think that once you'd achieved a certain status, you might have been excused visiting Leicester, wouldn't you? 
:'''Jamie:''' Have you seen the whips' numbers?
:'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP.
:'''Jamie:''' Eh?
:'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP, N-O-M-F-P, Not My Fucking Problem – I quite liked that, did you like that? 
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah, it's very good.
:'''Malcolm:''' I think I'll use that quite a lot today.
:'''Jamie:''' I'll use it as well.
:''(Malcolm spots a journalist he's very happy with for doing a good profile on a government Minister.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the journalist)'' OH HO HO! Well done with Fatty's profile. Very very good. I nearly liked the enormous fucker reading it. 
:''(Malcolm and Jamie continue their conversation.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' What if the MOD breaks tonight? What I'm hearing is the overspend's getting more brutal by the hour. ''(Both men enter Malcolm's office.)'' They're talking about topping off at one-one and a half billion. Obviously, that's a lot of nurses. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Or one fantastically enormous robotic one, yeah? 
:'''Jamie:''' Obviously, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' And how's the Minister? 
:'''Jamie:''' He's shitting himself. ''(laughs)'' He's practically kissing his driver goodbye. He said he felt like he was &quot;in the Twin Towers on 9/11, just fucking waiting.&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, for fuck's sake. But everybody knows their lines, yeah? IT projects always overspend. 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, yeah, yeah. 
:''(Malcolm's loyal personal assistant, Sam, enters the office. She has some papers for Malcolm to look over and sign.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Sam)'' Do you think you could manage to get me a decent cup of tea? Would that be possible? 
:''(Sam readily agrees.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Thank you. Try not to drip in it. 
:''(After Sam leaves the office, Malcolm continues his chat with Jamie.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Jamie)'' I tell you the thing that's worrying me is, er – is this dodgy?
:'''Jamie:''' I don't know. The kid's firm was the second lowest bid. He says they never talked. What does it matter?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, but you know me, I'm a man of principle.
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know.
:'''Malcolm:''' I like to know whether I'm lying to save the skin of a tosser or a moron. 
:'''Jamie:''' Probably a moron.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is preparing for his trip to Number 10 in Hugh's office.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(looking at Ollie's cell phone)'' Is this yours? Is this new? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. I thought I'd get it for Number 10. 
:'''Hugh:''' It's got a camera on it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Yeah, it's on the back. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Happy slap him. Go on. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How do you know about happy slapping? How do ''you'' begin to know about...
:''(But before Ollie could finish the question, Glenn gives Ollie a &quot;Happy Slap&quot; upside the head!)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Hang on, I missed it. No, will you do it again? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' That's assault. 
:''(Glenn happy slaps Ollie again.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off, will you? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' No, listen, it's all right, we can doctor the crime figures. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I really like this! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll punch you in your substantial gut. 
:''(And then, Robyn gives Ollie a happy slap, too!)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Fucking hell, Robyn! You little fucker! 
:''(Hugh and Glenn are laughing at Ollie's expense. Then, after the laughter dies down, the 2 of them decide to take a selfie of themselves on Ollie's cell phone.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' We should take one of us, so he's got something to remember us by. 
:''(Glenn takes the pic.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Because, you know, at the end of the week, you're gonna be head of the Policy Unit. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, then you'll both be out. 
:'''Hugh:''' Giving head to the Policy Unit. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Hugh, can we, uh, do the prep for the factory visit now? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' We're gonna get there at about 12, 12:30, okay? 
:'''Ollie:''' Forgot the, um...
:''(Ollie picks up something from Hugh's desk -- and then gives Glenn a happy slap upside his head! Then, Ollie leaves.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Stupid boy. 
:'''Hugh:''' That ''was'' funny.
:'''Glenn:''' That was funny?
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah.
:'''Glenn:''' I don't think it was funny.
:'''Hugh:''' I'm an elected representative of the people.
:'''Glenn:''' Yes? 
:'''Hugh:''' It was funny.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As Ollie is waiting outside Malcolm's office, Malcolm is yelling out for Sam again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' SAM! 
:''(Sam comes toward Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, a coffee and a fucking skinny muffin, if that's possible. ''(Malcolm then sees Ollie.)'' What the fuck are ''you'' doing ''here?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' I thought you said today, Malcolm. Did you not say...
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean what are you doing there? Come on! 
:'''Ollie:''' All right, sorry. I just didn't want to interrupt you, I never know what you're doing in your –
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well if the PM's giving me a blowjob I always put a sign up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Robyn Murdoch is a senior press secretary for the Department of Social Affairs. She is traveling with Glenn and Hugh to their factory visit.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' I've confirmed that they'll definitely be a regional news team filming our arrival, plus there will be four local papers. 
:'''Hugh:''' Regional news? 
:'''Glenn:''' No nationals? 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, this is very much a regional event. You know, I didn't think that... 
:'''Hugh:''' Robyn, all events are regional, hmm? Everything that happens in the world has to happen somewhere. Do you see? Even JFK's assassination was a regional event. But it was also very important. Hmm? Like this factory visit? You see that?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff Holhurst)'' How much fucking shit is there on the menu, and ''what fucking FLAVOUR is it?''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Oh, Malcolm? No no, that's – I'm in a Scottish restaurant, some man's complaining 'cause they've under-fried his Mars Bar – yeah, of course it's Malcolm! ''(beat)'' Well, Malcolm's all sound major. That's him every day. It's like this furnace of shit. It's not -- it's not good for my system. 
:'''Geoff Holhurst:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Christian's firm put in the second lowest tender. That's Point 1. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Do you fancy meeting up? Maybe tomorrow night? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff)'' You're ''worse'' than dead meat. I don't know why you're laughing. You're too toxic to even feed to the vultures. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Robyn, and Glenn arrive at the factory for their visit. Hugh gets out of the car first so he can say hello to the factory's employees.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Hello. Hello, Hugh Abbot. Nice to meet you. Hello. 
:''(But as soon as he starts saying hello to the employees, Hugh is caught off guard by a surprise confrontation from one of the workers!)''
:'''Factory Woman:''' Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry? 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Do you? I mean, she was in that home for 16 weeks. Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's, that's, that's very tough, isn't it? That's very, very tough, and our hearts, all our hearts, go out to you. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' But do you know what it's like to get down and clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' I-I think that I'm probably not the right person to talk to about this. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Who ''do'' I talk to? 
:'''Hugh:''' Urinary and affairs like that are probably more, more Health. So anyway, lovely to talk to you... 
:''(Hugh turns his attention away from the woman and towards the factory, talking to a factory supervisor.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' What a fantastic -- What a fantastic landscaping! I really do think it makes an enormous difference to the workplace when you have this relationship with...
:''(But the Factory Woman won't let up.)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' But is that your answer? Is that your answer?
:'''Hugh:''' Can I just say, we'll get someone to, to note your, your case and do what we can about it. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' You'll get someone to note my case?! ''Nobody's'' noted my case! 
:''(And when she sees Hugh touching her arm, she REALLY gets livid!)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' STOP IT DON'T TOUCH ME! WHAT ARE YOU TOUCHING ME FOR? YOU DON'T KNOW ME! YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW ME, DO YOU?
:'''Hugh:''' (stammering) I know, I do want, I would like to get to know you. I've just...
:'''Factory Woman:''' OH, WHY ARE YOU WALKING AWAY FROM ME, THEN? Would you like to know the facts? I'll tell you about the facts. 
:'''Glenn:''' The minister would love to know the facts. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' There are two qualified nurses out of all those care assistants. Only two! 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, quietly)'' Give her a smile...
:'''Factory Woman:''' The rest are only kids! 
:''(Hugh gives the Factory Woman a sheepish smile, but that just makes the situation worse...)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' WHAT ARE YOU SMILING AT? WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? DO YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY? DO YOU THINK I'M FUNNY? DO YOU THINK MY MOTHER'S PISS IS FUNNY? WELL, IT'S NOT FUNNY! SHE'S NOT LAUGHING! SHE'S PISSING HERSELF! I'M NOT LAUGHING! I'M CRYING! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(A short while later, Hugh, who is on a higher level in the factory, is talking to Glenn on his cell phone. Glenn is on the ground level...and that pesky Factory Woman is screaming right at him!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn? Is she still saying it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh God, yes. (Glenn turns to the Factory Woman.) Would you please just give me a moment? 
:''(Glenn continues his conversation with Hugh on his cell phone.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, she's banging on about it even now. The trouble is, Hugh, they reckon they've got some great shots. You know...
:'''Hugh:''' ''Great shots?''  
:'''Glenn:''' The thing is: Don't panic. 
:''(The Factory Woman finally gets more of her 2 cents in...)''
:'''Factory Woman:''' ...BECAUSE IT'S DISGUSTING! YOU CANNOT TREAT PEOPLE LIKE THIS! 
:''(Glenn's patience has finally run out.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE FUCKING MINUTE? I'm asking nicely. Please! 
:''(Glenn finishes his phone conversation with Hugh.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Now, Hugh -- look, I'm gonna have to hang up. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Did you enjoy that? Did you enjoy that? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile at Number 10, Malcolm and Jamie are having a stern chat with Geoff Holhurst's son, Christian.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian Holhurst)'' Your dad told us that he didn't know you worked for the company. You never told him.
:''(Ollie's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Ollie Reeder? ''(beat)'' Um -- Sorry, who is this? 
:'''Christian Holhurst:''' ''(to Jamie and Malcolm)'' Obviously, he knew, but...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, I've never cleaned up my own mother's piss. ''(Ollie's talking to the Factory Woman.)'' Sorry, what? Who-Who are you?
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' Well, you-you ''do'' talk to your dad? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Well, how did you get...
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' NO, YOU FUCKING DON'T! That is the wrong answer! The wrong fucking answer! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Please don't be aggressive. I will call back. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Christian)'' You tell your corporate affairs people. Otherwise, I'm gonna come over there and fucking maim every single fucking one of them. Okay? Good to see you. All right? Well done, Christian. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Malcolm has arrived at ITN, a news network, to meet Mark Davies, the news producer. Malcolm &amp; Mark are in the production room discussing footage of Hugh being confronted at the factory by the Factory Woman.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(introducing himself to Mark)'' Mark? Hi, Mark Davies? I'm Malcolm. We've spoken on the phone. 
:'''Mark Davies:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you mind if I pop in? It's just -- I was in seeing Pam. and everyone started talking about the Hugh thing. 
:'''Mark:''' Yes...
:''(Mark nods his head in agreement with Malcolm as they look at the footage.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you see what I have to work with? 
:'''Mark:''' I know, Malcolm. He doesn't look great, does he? 
:''(As they continue looking at the footage, Malcolm starts to attempt to play director.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' That shot, are you going to use that? 
:'''Mark:''' Malcolm. 
:''(Mark doesn't want Malcolm touching the equipment.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, sorry. 
:'''Mark:''' Don't touch that. 
:'''Malcolm:''' This isn't in the package, is it, Mark? 
:''(Sure enough, Malcolm's inner director starts channeling inside him again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' You're not using that. You can't use that. ''(to Mark)'' This is dumbing down of the news agenda that people like me and your boss's boss really object to. And I'm gonna mention this to him when I see him on Friday, by the way. 
:'''Mark:''' Malcolm, this is a traditional old-fashioned news story, called 'Minister looks a tit'.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, everybody looks a tit, you know? Take two of these shots of him looking moronic out. Leave a couple in of him looking a little bit dim, put one of him composed, drop it down the running order, and we've got a deal.
:'''Mark:''' I'm not – Deal, what deal, Malcolm? He looks a tit, that's it. I'm sorry.
:'''Malcolm:''' But there is a difference between allowing someone's natural tittishness to come through, and just exploiting it through camera work here! You're sticking one tit moment on top of another tit moment. That wouldn't happen in real life. And do you know about that woman? Have you made any inquiries into the background of that woman? 
:'''Mark:''' I'm sure my researchers have, yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Your researchers have? Well, well, I'm gonna tell you I don't think they have. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Stats, percentages, international comparison, information! Email them fucking WADS of information! And tell them they'd better get their heads around it before they put pen to paper, or I'll be up their arses like a fucking Biafran ferret, right? COME ON, UNLEASH HELL!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Sometimes I...You know, when you meet the real...the actual people...Don't you ever, I mean, just look at the little, beady eyes and mean mouths sort of sneering, and...I mean, I know this is what they think people like me think, so I hate thinking it, but I just find myself thinking they're from a different fucking species. You know, with their T-shirts and weird trousers and tabards. Why do they wear clothes with writing on them? And why are they so fucking fat?
:'''Glenn:''' I know, and stupid.
:'''Hugh:''' God, I hate this place.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie are about to give Ollie an important mission...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We need you to fuck Hugh for us. ''(beat)'' Okay? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(reluctantly)'' Okay. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I need you to go over to Mark Davies at ITN, right? They're 50/50 on bumping Hugh up to top of the bill with the Piss Woman, right? Can you sort that out for me? ''(Ollie agrees)'' Good lad. Okay, see you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(seeing a bag of chips from a bin on his chair)'' Oh nice, very nice.
:'''Jamie:''' WELL GO FOR FUCK'S SAKE, YOU BIG FUCKING PRICK! I'LL CUT YOUR FUCKING EARS OFF, WE NEED IT DONE!
:'''Ollie:''' When I met you this morning, I thought you were the nice Scot!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Fuck's sake. ''(Ollie answers his phone)'' Oliver Reeder.
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you sorted it, Ollie?
:'''Ollie:''' It's not quite sorted just yet, Malcolm, it's difficult –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shall I send Jamie over? Would you like that?
:'''Ollie:''' No, no –
:'''Malcolm:''' You and Jamie and a rubber truncheon, locked in that fucking newsroom together.
:'''Ollie:''' No, I'm fine.
:'''Malcolm:''' Then make me happy. Bring me sunshine.
:'''Ollie:''' Right, I'll make you happy, Malcolm. ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Dickwad. ''(Ollie's phone rings again. He answers it)'' Oliver Reeder.
:'''Jamie:''' Hey all right, shitebag, you done it yet?
:'''Ollie:''' I'm just in the middle of doing it right now, but every time I try –
:'''Jamie:''' WELL, FUCKING HURRY UP! GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE!
:'''Ollie:''' ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Fuck's sake! ''(His phone rings yet again. He answers)'' I'm fucking doing it! I'm just – Sorry Emma, yeah, hi. I'm stuck in that meeting about equal pay. It's just – it's gone over. But, uh, but - Hey, you know, tonight. Are we still on? ''(beat)'' Yeah. Yeah, ''Solaris,'' here we come. Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn are finally back from the disastrous factory visit, talking about...piss.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Have you, though? 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' Ever cleaned up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, I never knew my mother, Hugh. As you know. 
:'''Hugh:''' Sorry. Have you--have you ever cleaned up your stepmother's piss? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, I never cleaned her piss. It wasn't that kind of relationship. 
:'''Hugh:''' No, nor me. Though I have to say, I've done Alicia's piss and Charlie's piss. I mean, you know, loads, loads of it. But, you know, it's only piss. It's -- Yeah, thanks. I mean, she was going on as if it was some sort of toxic waste or something, but it's, what's a bit of piss? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In the Number 10 Newsroom, Malcolm and the team are about to watch the ITN News.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right, folks, here we go. 
:''(The top story on the news is about Hugh's disastrous factory visit.)'' 
:'''News Announcer:''' ''Tonight, dramatic pictures...''
:''(The newsroom office cheers.)''
:'''News Announcer:''' ''...of voter anger over the NHS.'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(happily)'' Anything other than Number One spot is a big win. 
:'''News Announcer:''' ''...spin doctor thought our tape had stopped running.'' 
:''(Sure enough, Ollie's cell phone pic of Glenn appears on the TV screen...with the sound of Glenn getting mad.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE F$%@#!G MINUTE?''
:'''Jamie:''' ''(quite amused)'' Oh oh oh, he is so fucked! ''(to Ollie)'' Hey, good photo. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well, you know, it's a good phone.
:'''Hugh:''' ''What fantastic landscaping...'' 
:''(More howls of laughter emanate from the newsroom.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Back at Hugh's office, Glenn is sitting in a chair beside himself. Hugh is pacing the floor.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Who do you think looked worse? You or me? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean, I looked bad, but you said bad. I suppose on balance, um, honestly...You, really. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(quiet, but annoyed)'' Great. 
:''(Glenn's cell phone rings.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh. Go away. 
:''(Glenn hangs up on the call...and after a few moments...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I don't know if I'm gonna survive this, Hugh. They're gonna be all over me like shingles. ''(Glenn's cell phone rings again.)'' They are all over me like shingles!
:''(Glenn hangs up on the call again...More awkward silence...)''
:'''Hugh:''' It'll be OK. 
:'''Glenn:''' Do you think? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, it'll probably be fine. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie has stopped answering his cell phone. Let's hear what his voicemails have to say.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Ollie, hi, it's Hugh. I just wanted to say thank you very very much. The way you shifted the spotlight onto Glenn was quite Tucker-esque, really very [[w:Machievelli|Malc-iavellian]], if you know what I mean. Well done, and bye bye.
:'''Factory Woman:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Hello, Ollie. Just seen myself on the news. Okay, let's get something done now. And, uh, I'll be phoning you every day until we do sort out my mother and her problem. Thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, don't worry about Malcolm, he's only about half as scary as he thinks he is. Well, here, you can have this desk, it's free.
:'''Ollie:''' OK.
:'''Jamie:''' Don't worry, she won't be coming back. Hey, Joe, Joe! This guy is your replacement. I'm not fucking joking, by the way. Ollie, this is Frankie. Frankie, this is Ollie. ''(Ollie extends his hand to Frankie, who ignores it)'' Frankie, I don't know what happened, but I somehow – you know those numbers I asked you for? I never found them on my desk. Maybe somebody stole them. Or, maybe, maybe, you're fucking me around. And if you fuck me around again, I'll tell you something: ''(laughs slightly)'' I am going to rip your fucking head off, and shit right down into your neck, ''(grabs Frankie's head)'' and then I'm going to stick your FUCKING head back on, and SHIT ON THAT!

==Series 2, Episode 2==
:''(At the start of this episode, Hugh is talking on his cell phone to someone about the impending &quot;Cabinet Reshuffle.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' No, Derek. I'm not presuming anything. It's entirely up to the PM. I'll just go wherever he wants me to go. I'm gonna have to go. Bye-bye. 
:''(Next, Hugh and Ollie, who's right behind him, both meet up with Robyn and congratulate her on getting a place at Malcolm's 8:30 press meeting.)''
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Good morning. 
:'''Robyn:''' ''(cheekily smiling)'' Morning, Minister. 
:'''Hugh:''' Are you just off to your 8:30 with Malcolm? 
:'''Robyn:''' Yep yep. 
:'''Hugh:''' First one? 
:'''Robyn:''' Into the Lion's Den, Viper's Pit. 
:'''Hugh:''' &quot;The Belly of the Beast, the Lair of the White Worm.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' The Eye of the Snake. 
:'''Hugh:''' Not all the departments get asked to the 8:30, so...
:'''Robyn:''' That's true. 
:'''Hugh:''' A great honor that we are in there with the big hitters. Always best to be inside the tent, pissing out. 
:'''Ollie:''' Absolutely. If you were, you know, doing this over at Environment and Rural Affairs, you'd be, uh, at 8:30 you'd be very much outside the tent, wouldn't you? Probably at Coffee Republic. 
:'''Hugh:''' Covered in piss. Good luck. You'll be fine. You don't need good luck. Yeah. 
:'''Robyn:''' What about the...piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(reassuring Robyn)'' No no no, it's just a figure of speech. 
:'''Robyn:''' I'd better go. 
:'''Ollie:''' See you later, Robyn. 
:'''Robyn:''' OK. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his cell phone)'' I'm sure there's a way of...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(chasing after Robyn)'' Robyn! 
:''(Hugh just remembered to ask Robyn a question.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Robyn)'' Robyn, sorry. Could you try and pick up any signals you can from Malcolm about -- about the, um...about the reshuffle? 
:'''Robyn:''' I've really got to go now, because I don't want to be late.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, God, don't be late!  
:'''Robyn:''' Apparently, they shout things at the last one in.  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(entering the scene)'' If anyone shouts at you, they'll have to answer to me. I'll box his ears. 
:''(Robyn leaves)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Box his ears? If that was flirting, that was absolutely crap.  
:'''Glenn:''' What?  
:'''Hugh:''' Box his ears? How long is it since you've had sex?   
:'''Glenn:''' That is between me and my internet service provider. Anyway, about this morning's –  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(chuckling)'' You've actually gone red, Glenn. Look at you.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, you have. Look, you've gone red.  
:'''Glenn:''' I have not gone red. ''(points to his folder)'' That's red.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah!   
:'''Hugh:''' Look, he can hardly walk properly.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker is having his 8:30 meeting with all the reporters and press officers from various government departments.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' Morning morning morning morning! 
:'''Everyone else:''' Morning. 
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, I want to have a little bit of a think about, um, some of our presentational issues with regard to yesterday. There seems to have been a bit of a problem last night with, uh, Liam on ''Newsnight.'' I would like to know why did we have a Minister on last night who did not appear to know their lines. 
:'''Reporter #1:''' It's not all his fault, Malcolm. We-we grilled him beforehand. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You grilled him? 
:'''Reporter #1:''' He's got a new baby. He's not getting enough sleep. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if he's got a new baby. I don't care whether he's tired. He looked like he didn't know what he was fucking talking about. Now I know he doesn't know what he's fucking talking about, but he's got to appear as if he does, right? ''(Malcolm starts pointing at all the reporters.)'' And that is your job and your job. ''(He continues pointing.)'' And yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours. With all due respect of ministers, give them the lines. Right? 
:'''Robyn:''' Give them all the lines to say? 
:''(Malcolm introduces the other reporters to Robyn.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the delightful Robyn. She's just with us today. She's standing in for, eh, Terri Coverley at the Department of, uh, Social Affairs. So let's be gentle with her, please. No remarks about the Department of Stuffed Anuses, or the Department of Stupid Announcements, or the Department of Sod All. ''(Laughter emanates from the room.)'' Right, next. 
:'''Robyn:''' Reshuffle? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Robyn, smiling)'' Yes, there is, uh, a pending reshuffle, I can see we're not gonna get anything past you! &quot;There was a young girl from DOSA, who helped herself to a samosa.&quot; ''(Malcolm jokingly makes a karate chop.)'' Argh! Next time I'll come up with something. Just a bit of fun. Um...Yes, the reshuffle. No, yes, well, definitely, we-we don't know anything. ''I'' don't know anything. So, um, we can't say anything. But you know, even if we did, we wouldn't. But we don't, so we both can't and won't. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(asked for a line about Julius Nicholson at his 8.30 meeting)'' 'Julius Nicholson is a hugely respected adviser. He now has a wide-ranging brief, and his blue-sky vision and helicopter thinking will enable this Government to go, in his own phrase, &quot;beyond delivery, and beyond that&quot;.' That's the line, OK? And if he does stick his baldy head round your door and comes up with some stupid idea about 'policemen's helmets should be yellow', or 'let's set up a department to count the moon', just treat him like someone with Alzheimer's disease, you know? Just say to him, &quot;Oh, yeah, that's lovely, that's good. We must talk about that later.&quot; OK?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh is now at Malcolm's office at Number 10. Hugh wants to talk to Malcolm about the impending reshuffle.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his mobile)'' In no way, shape or form is it gonna have any ''(knock at door)'' – Come the fuck in, or fuck the fuck off. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(entering)'' Well I'll come the fuck in then.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(back on his mobile)'' It's just something that Nicholson's flown, you know. It's a kind of brain exercise, like &quot;What would it be like if men had tits?&quot;, you know? [[wikipedia:Mark_Mardell|Mark Mardell]], yeah, ''(laughs)'' that's pretty good, actually. All right, then. See you, then. ''(hangs up)'' Hugh?  
:'''Hugh:''' I thought you would want to know as soon as possible.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What?   
:'''Hugh:''' Terri's dad.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah?   
:'''Hugh:''' No news at the moment.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, so you've come to talk about the reshuffle, yeah?  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I have.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? 
:'''Hugh:''' In terms of shuffley stuff, how is Neil? I mean, is his heart...
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you not heard? 
:'''Hugh:''' No. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' He's paralysed. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh no. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Neil's on wheels. 
:'''Hugh:''' You're kidding. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a vegetable. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh my God. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. 
:''(A lengthy silence follows...and then...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' That means you could have his department. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, you are kidding. Well, fuck you very much. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that you're looking for mouth-to-mouth in the reshuffle, but I don't know anything about it. I mean, the PM is still working it out on the back of a Coldplay CD as we speak.
:''(It's time to meet Julius Nicholson, the Advisor to the Prime Minister. Julius is now entering Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Julius Nicholson:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Are you in, sir? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Oh! Mr. Julius Nicholson. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(shaking Julius's hand)'' Hello, nice to see you again. 
:''(Hugh lets Julius have his seat, and Malcolm and Julius start up a conversation.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' What proposals have you got for us today? How about a ban on sand castles? 
:'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I just wanted to find out if you're coming to my FSG briefing this afternoon. 
:'''Malcolm:''' FSG briefing? 
:'''Julius:''' Forward Strategy Group, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know, Julius, I think I'm just gonna have to send one of the -- I'll send one of the boys. I have got so much work to do here, what with this, uh, the MOD...
:'''Julius:''' As the minister said to the prince, don't be surprised if we abolish you. I'll leave it with you. 
:''(Julius gets up and leave the office. Malcolm and Hugh resume their conversation.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' That was a bit, um...Are you all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(annoyed)'' I'm fucking all right. I can fucking look after myself. 
:'''Hugh:''' Under the spotlight now, aren't you? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, ''you'' should just watch your own back, what with the missus dripping poison into the big guy's ear about you. 
:'''Hugh:''' Missus? What missus? 
:'''Malcolm:''' The Prime Minister's missus. Oh, what? You don't know? She doesn't like the cut of your jib, son. 
:'''Hugh:''' She doesn't -- She's hardly ''seen'' my jib. I just had a conversation with her at the New Year's party, that's all. ''(beat)'' Why doesn't she like me? I mean, what's not to like? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you just didn't click. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(exasperated)'' We couldn't click! We were talking about the fucking Euro! How are you supposed to click over the Euro? It's fucking impossible. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't take it so personally.
:'''Hugh:''' You're telling me she doesn't like me as a person! How else am I supposed to take it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Robyn, can you send these back to archives, 'cause they're not even highlighted, I'm not going to plough through all that myself. While you're talking to them, I need the last four months of the European Digest. I'm going to be moving –   
:'''Robyn:''' Is it 'cause you fancy me, is that what this is all about?  
:'''Ollie:''' Sorry?  
:'''Robyn:''' Why are you so bloody rude to me? I mean, that's got to be the reason. Other people, when they come in here, they knock on the door and they say &quot;hello&quot;, &quot;good morning&quot;, &quot;thank you&quot; and &quot;nice top&quot; sometimes.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right, um, well, no. I mean, for a start, I don't fancy you. I don't know where you got that in your head, but it's probably best to get it out. If I'm slightly polite to you on a semi-regular basis, will that in any way bypass it?   
:'''Robyn:''' I think that would definitely do it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right, fantastic. Well, thank you very much for the work you do; hi, by the way, how are you?   
:'''Robyn:''' I'm really well, actually.  
:'''Ollie:''' Great, that's great; you look lovely; can I have the fucking Digest, please? That would be terrific.  
:'''Robyn:''' All you had to do was ask me.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, all I did do is ask. ''(Robyn bends down to get something)'' Phwoar! ''(She gets up and stares at Ollie)'' It was a joke.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;''
:''(Hugh and Ollie are discussing the latest Cabinet meeting.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' I did mention your great quiet carriages thing and he just – ''(pulls a slightly disgusted face)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Well what does that mean?  
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck knows what it means, but I don't think it means, &quot;Oh, Hugh, you're fantastic. Here, become Home Secretary&quot;. And even if it did mean that, when he's in bed tonight with Mrs PM, flossing, then she'll say, &quot;What do you mean, Hugh Abbot as Home Secretary? The man is a social spastic and very probably a registered nonce, darling.&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(This scene starts with Malcolm on his desk phone in his office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' This is just another example of thinking out of the box by someone who's clearly out of his fucking tree. 
:''(Someone's knocking on Malcolm's door -- and that someone is Julius Nicholson. Again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Alright, I've got to go. I'll talk to you later.
:'''Julius:''' ''(entering the office)'' Ah, Malcolm Tucker! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius Nicholson! What can I do you for? 
:''(Both men sit down in their chairs for a chat.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' I am keen to have a chat with, um, Keith Percival. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Uh, that won't be possible. 
:'''Julius:''' And I need to read the O'Rourke papers. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm afraid not. Anything else? 
:''(Uh-oh...this is gonna be a long, uncomfortable conversation.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' Look, Malcolm, you and I both know full well that my power and authority flows directly from the PM. If you've got a problem...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, Keith is so busy with real governmental work that he doesn't have time to discuss with you your ideas and theories. The O'Rourke papers are not relevant to anything that we can actually action at this moment. 
:'''Julius:''' That's slightly funny, because when I played tennis with the PM -- which I do as I'm sure you know, every Sunday -- he was saying just how much he was looking forward to seeing that paper. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He does think that your theories are interesting. He tells me that, because, you know, I see him every day. I also see him on a Sunday when I get together with his family and I make the fucking waffles. ''BUT'' -- I cannot allow you to come in here and interfere with the actual process of government. 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, that is my -- that is my ''JOB!'' That's my job! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you're doing it very fucking well. 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I'm sorry. There are gonna be big changes around here. Get used to it. We'll announce all this at the reshuffle. 
:'''Malcolm:''' With all due respect, Julius, the reshuffle is the business of the PM and the PM alone, which means that that is my business. It is my remit. 
:'''Julius:''' No, Malcolm. Historically, yes. But now it's part of my remit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. OK, I'll tell you what we should do. ''(getting up)'' Why don't we just get our remits out, slap them on the table, and see who's got the biggest fucking remit? 
:'''Julius:''' ''(standing up)'' Mal-Mal -- Malcolm, Malcolm, we need to talk about accommodation, we need to talk about access...
:'''Malcolm:''' Accommodation? Why am I talking about accommodation? 
:'''Julius:''' It's a 21-man department. We can't fit upstairs. This is ideal. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(confused)'' 21 men in here? 
:'''Julius:''' Not just in here, no. This office here will be perfectly usable, for not only myself...
:'''Malcolm:''' That's not an office. 
:'''Julius:''' Yes, it is an office. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a pantry. 
:'''Julius:''' Well, whatever it is, we will refit this out as a working office...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the pantry door)'' Julius, it's a fucking pantry. Look. 
:'''Julius:''' So what? What we'll do is we will kick through this -- Bang, straight into the PM's private study. ''(Julius shuts the pantry door.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(talking while eating something)'' What are people gonna say -- when they come in and they say, &quot;Where is Julius Nicholson?&quot; 
:'''Julius:''' I'm here. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's in the pantry! 
:'''Julius:''' ''(knocking on the pantry door)'' Here I am. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know what they're gonna do? They're gonna ridicule you. 
:''(Malcolm and Julius are talking over each other, and then Malcolm cracks wise...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Where's the bankrupt in the cupboard?'' 
:'''Julius:''' Why are you behaving like a complete and utter prick? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm supposed to polish you up, burnish you up. Yeah, and when you get your big break and you're on fucking ''Call My Bluff'' or whatever it is, I'm supposed to...
:''(Malcolm sees Julius heading for the door to leave the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Come back in here! Oi! Come back in here! JULIUS! Get the fuck back in here! 
:''(Julius reluctantly comes back in Malcolm's office, and Julius tries to lecture Malcolm while he's talking.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Please! Please! Come back. Let's be civilised. Let's-let's be civilised about it. Let's be civilised, come on. Let's be -- there ''are'' human resources, let's be civilised about it. Go over to your fucking pantry, right. 
:'''Julius:''' This is a perfectly usable office space...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(shutting the pantry door)'' Cool it for one minute, okay? Cool it. And just fucking cool it, shut up and fucking listen to me. This is an old fucking Georgian door. Do you know how long this has been here? 
:'''Julius:''' No I don't. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Since the time of Elizabeth I, at least. Now look at that. 
:''(Julius laughs in utter disbelief.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That does not open. Look at it. Look at it. Try opening it. Come on. Surely, this is the kind of stuff you like. Character building, team building. Put your hand over mine. Try to open the door. Come on, Julius. It's my fucking pantry. 
:''(Malcolm and Julius are still talking over each other endlessly...)''
:'''Julius:''' It's not your pantry. It's my fucking pantry. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Discussing Julius Nicholson)''
:'''Hugh''': Can't we just kill him, shoot him?
:'''Ollie''': What about we just fire him at a wall from a cannon. Just a wall two feet away.
:'''Glenn''': I know, we force feed him with a mixture of garlic and Dettol in Cup-a-Soup.
:'''Hugh''': What about the old red-hot poker up the arse? Edward II?
:''(Julius walks in)''
:'''Ollie''': I'd like to nail him to a tree through the head and watch lice slowly crawl over his body, eating off the flesh in a slow and painful death, ''(having already noticed Julius)'' but that rather bitter anomaly aside, most of the responses to the Warwick report press cuttings were pretty positive.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Hugh''' ''(to Ollie)'': I ''am'' desperate, but I don't really want to ''look'' desperate, like Glenn.  
:'''Glenn''' ''(entering)'': Oh, God, here we go again. Yeah, like Glenn, what?   
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I was just saying, the last time you saw a snatch was...  
:'''Ollie:''' ''[[wikipedia:Basic_Instinct|Basic Instinct]]''.  
:'''Hugh:''' You see, that's good. That's the kind of repartee I need with the PM's wife. It's that final k-tsssss! you see, that's the bit I'm missing.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I think you could drop the snatch material with the PM's wife, don't you?  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, OK, between the snatch and the Euro there's some sort of happy medium.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': He is not getting anywhere near my fucking pantry, I tell you that. That door is staying as open as a fat whore's bonehole.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Hugh:''' Sorry I'm late, traffic was an absolute bitch. No offence, Robyn.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
'''Julius:''' It's Paul Webster, US Economics Secretary of State. He's unexpectedly coming over, and the Treasury are hosting a bash for him this evening. Don't tell me you've not been invited.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, no, I have. It's just that I'm actually bashing myself tonight.  
:'''Julius:''' So you – you've got your own bash here?  
:'''Hugh:''' Uh yeah.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.  
:'''Julius:''' Ah! Back up, everybody, put the brakes on! We've got a bash happening here tonight and at the Treasury?   
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. It sounds complicated but I like to, um, maximise my face.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': ''(telling a joke at his party)'' And Julius, Julius Nicholson, says, ”I'm sorry but I think you'll find you're sitting in my seat.”
:''(No one laughs)''
:'''Hugh''': And this was to God, as I mentioned in the setup. Anyway, have a lovely time. ''(to Ollie, whispering)'' A fiver if you set off the sprinklers.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Why didn't you tell me, Glenn? What possible reason did you have? You saw me, I was swinging like a colostomy bag! 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Hugh, grow up! Stuff happens in this department every day, I can't tell you everything!  
:'''Hugh:''' Since when, Glenn, since when does the Secretary of State for Social Affairs have to find out ''from the fucking press'' that every morning at 8:30 I'm being fisted up to the gallbladder by a bald man?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, guys, thanks very much for staying on. Julius Nicholson, right? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yep.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Blue sky thinker? Ex-business guru? Dog rapist?   
:'''Hugh:''' Quite possibly.  
:'''Malcolm:''' He's being a nuisance to me; he also has got plans to squeeze ''your'' department so hard you'll be lucky if you're left with one bollock between the three of you. So all I am doing here is asking you, formally, if you will join me in a little bit of a circle jerk.  
:'''Hugh:''' Circle jerk? What?   
:'''Ollie:''' It's when a lot of guys in a circle all, you know. ''(to Malcolm)'' Well, I assume you don't mean literally, do you? Presumably?
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn:''' ''(on the phone to a journalist)'' Yeah I know it's probably bollocks, but that's what we all thought when Jim was up for Home Secretary, and then the next thing you know, he's given up the Colombian marching powder and taken up the sacraments.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at his 8.30 meeting)'': Morning, morning, morning! So what's the story in [[wikipedia:Balamory|Bala-fucking-mory]]?   
:'''A press officer:''' Reshuffle!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Excellent! You win a year's supply of condoms, which in your case is four.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So how was Cabinet this morning?  
:'''Hugh:''' It was good. Obviously, with reshuffle coming up, everybody's desperate to impress. Clare went round the room on a unicycle juggling burning kittens, but er – She didn't really, but what she did do was pretty embarrassing.  
:'''Malcolm:''' OK.  
:'''Hugh:''' And in terms of shuffle-y stuff, Carol ended up in Neil's seat. What do you think ''that'' means?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think that means that Carol wants to be nearer the biscuits, just in case her blood sugar level drops. That woman, she's unbelievable. I have seen her go into second reading debates with Pringles! Her star is somewhat on the wane, I think she's going a bit downward, actually, [[wikipedia:Secretary_of_State_for_Constitutional_Affairs|Constitutional Affairs]].  
:'''Hugh:''' Ooh, that's gonna hurt, Constitutional Affairs, that's the [[wikipedia:Geri_Halliwell|Ginger Spice]] of the –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of the what, Hugh? Of the what?  
:'''Hugh:''' Of the Gov– the whole –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Ginger Spice. Jesus Christ, what – what fucking century are you living in?  
:'''Hugh:''' There was a fantastic feature about Ginger in the ''[[wikipedia:Heat_(magazine)|Heat]]'' magazine. Apparently she shaves downstairs and she's working for UNICEF or some sort of – 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, you are talking absolute fucking drivel.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Hugh:''' It looked like Fatty was the one who was on his way out, but now it could just as likely be me.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well look, Hugh, if you're worried about Fatty we can always start gently briefing against him, I know it's late in the day and, you know, obviously it's not the first thing that we want to be doing –  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, 'Abbot says Fatty's a twat'. Does that make Fatty look like a twat? I think it makes me look like a twat for calling him a twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Mm – it doesn't have to be you directly, does it? That's the point.  
:'''Hugh:''' Robyn? Come on, it's like giving a child a firework.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, not Robyn.  
:'''Hugh:''' Actually that's where your bit of skirt – sorry, whatever the modern – your ho, your ho could actually be quite helpful. If you were just to leave some compromising bits of anti-Fatty documents, you know, just lying by the loo –  
:'''Ollie:''' Whoa, whoa. Just blatantly using Emma, I'm really not comfortable with that.  
:'''Hugh:''' Can I remind you, in the last 12 hours you've described her as being 'as mad as a jackdaw on crack', 'castratingly right-wing zealot', and also 'disappointingly below par in the blowjob department', so why the sudden outbreak of principle?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' Are you still in the frame for ''[[wikipedia:Question_Time_(TV_series)|Question Time]]''?  
:'''Hugh:''' I am, but I think they're gonna go for Fatty to take advantage of the widescreen option. ''(Ollie laughs.)'' Any, erm – Are there any shuffle-y rumours?  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, yeah. Rob thinks Gerry's got the Foreign Office.  
:'''Ollie:''' The thing about this, moving offices, just from one place to another, completely different, it's just fucked as a system, isn't it? Because if you – it wouldn't happen in any other job – if you were, you know, Professor of Medieval English in Oxford and you were sitting in your study and somebody came through the door and went, 'Hey, guess what? You're now, er, Professor of Zoology, we want you in the other [[wikipedia:Quadrangle_(architecture)|quad]]', you know, that would be mental, you'd be sitting in a room like a stuffed tit just saying to people, 'How many Os in Zoology? I don't really know, this isn't really my field', and all of that information that you've built up over years and years about [[Geoffrey Chaucer|Chaucer]] or whatever is of absolutely no use to you any more because Chaucer didn't really write about baboons.  
:'''Hugh:''' Ollie, these are very undergraduate concerns; my point is you don't have to be an expert to make decisions.  
:'''Glenn:''' That's why you have advisors, you twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I am being serious, Glenn.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, so am I, you are a twat.  
:'''Hugh:''' I mean, the point is, a lot of knowledge is a dangerous thing.  
:''(Hugh's office phone rings; Glenn answers it)''  
:'''Ollie:''' It's 'a little knowledge is a dangerous thing'.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well exactly, so a lot of knowledge is ''incredibly'' dangerous.

==Series 2, Episode 3==
:''(A few moments ago, Hugh said that he does not want to close down schools for kids with special needs. He is now in his office discussing the Special Needs Bill with Glenn.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn, the Special Needs Bill. With your, you know, particular interest, I can't do this. 
:'''Glenn:''' You know my views, you know. Inclusion is an illusion. It doesn't work. 
:'''Hugh:''' But you-you don't mind if I -- if I go ahead with it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Of course not. You know, look...you're only following orders. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, thanks. So you won't make me feel bad except by comparing me to a concentration camp guard? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. Right. Yeah. 
:'''Hugh:''' Now, tomorrow. Select Committee, that's Ballantine, isn't it? 
:''(But before Hugh and Glenn can continue discussing the Special Needs Bill, Ollie barges in and interrupts.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh and Glenn)'' Sorry, I'm sorry to interrupt. Who wants to go and watch Bollockvision? 
:'''Hugh:''' Bollockvision?  
:'''Ollie:''' Mr. Malcolm Tucker, turning it all the way up to eleven, down in the lobby. Come and have a look.  
:''(They all go out onto the balcony. On the other side of the atrium, on their floor, Malcolm is shouting at another Minister.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, poor Keith. Malcolm must fucking love this place: Four ministers in one building. It's his dream, a one-stop bollock-shop.  
:'''Glenn:''' Trouble is, we're gonna be getting some of that in about an hour.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. I don't know which is worse, watching him slowly rumble towards you like prostate cancer, or him appearing suddenly out of nowhere like a severe stroke.
:''(Terri, whose father died after a stroke, turns towards Hugh.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh. How's your sister coping?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The Department of Social Affairs has been renamed &quot;The Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship&quot; -- DoSAC for short.)''
:'''Glenn:''' So, Hugh, this -- this new word, 'Citizenship.' Did the PM actually outline what it entails? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, to be honest, I think he was making the reshuffle up as he-as he went along, and I think we were very lucky that 'Citizenship' was the first word that sprang to mind. Otherwise we could be the Department for Social Affairs and Woodland Folk.
:'''Ollie:''' See, the problem is, though, Hugh, that there's been a bit of a rush with you not in place. Uh, you know, every department trying to unload all the stuff that they didn't want. But it's been like somebody driving a lorry down Whitehall, shouting &quot;Bring out your shit.&quot; And they have and it's ended up at our door. 
:'''Hugh:''' So what are we getting? 
:'''Ollie:''' Citizenship basically involves, uh, cutting pensions to the Ghurkhas, rejigging the protocols for a rabies outbreak, some crap from Health about long-term care for the elderly that neither they nor we have any real idea about. 
:'''Glenn:''' And what to do with the Isle of Man.
:'''Hugh:''' ''(annoyed)'' Just what I fucking need. Five new ways to lose my job. 
:''(Hugh then starts eyeing a plant that he's just noticed is right next to his desk.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Where did that come from? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Malcolm sent that. 
:'''Hugh:''' It's far too big. Why-why did he send it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, office warming present. 
:'''Hugh:''' So why did he send us a present? 
:'''Ollie:''' I don't know. 
:'''Hugh:''' Has Security checked this? 
:'''Ollie:''' What for? Tiny little terrorists? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(annoyed)'' It's a plant! Yes?! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(moving on)'' Okay, so...citizenshit. What we need to do is knock together some nice, touchy-feely, fondley, sneaky, hand-in-the-bra sort of policies.
:'''Glenn:''' New bicycles for special constables, that sort of thing? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' Making special needs kids clean up graffiti? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(displeased)'' Yeah, that's just very mean. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yes. Not, of course, as mean as making them spell &quot;graffiti.&quot; That genuinely is very mean. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, calmly but not happily)'' I'll go and have a word with Malcolm.
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. 
:''(After Glenn leaves the office, Hugh tries to reprimand Ollie for making a joke about special needs kids.)''
:'''Hugh:''' You just took a shit with your clothes on, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' Why?  
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn's boy, Peter. He went to a special needs school.  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yep.  
:'''Ollie:''' ...Glenn's had sex?  
:'''Hugh:''' God, you're such a prick, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' It's just a joke!  
:'''Hugh:''' There's more to life, you know, than drinks parties at the Foreign Office and having [[wikipedia:Nick_Robinson_(journalist)|Nick Robinson]]'s mobile number on your fucking BlackBerry!
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. All right, all right, fine. Sorry, Hugh. I feel for the guy. I had a girlfriend with special needs once, so I know. ''(smiles smugly)'' Luckily, I was able to fulfill them.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm joins Glenn and Hugh in the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' So did you enjoy the show? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm, jokingly)'' You were magnificent, darling. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Yeah, should I phone Keith so that I can get his team to watch you bollock me now? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' No no no no. Have I got my bollocking face on? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well...
:'''Malcolm:''' No. This is my bollocking face? 
:''(Malcolm shows Hugh his infamous &quot;bollocking stare.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, crikey, yes. Thanks for the pot plant, by the way. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Did I send that? 
:'''Hugh:''' As an office warming present. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ, she's a ''great'' P.A., isn't she, Sam? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' She always remembers the little people. ''(looking at the plant)'' Look at the size of that. Fuck, you could fucking crucify somebody on that. ''(back to Glenn and Hugh)'' So what do you think of the new building, eh? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I can't wait to move upstairs, actually, because I don't really like the glass walls on-on, on this floor. I just feel a bit exposed. 
:'''Glenn:''' Like a whore in a Reeperbahn window. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, calling out to Glenn)'' Glenn, it's Ollie. He wants you to go through and clarify the Citizenship brief. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' How much, love? 
:'''Terri:''' Sorry? 
:'''Glenn:''' Okay, I'm on it. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll catch you later. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh, smiling)'' I like your tan, by the way. 
:'''Hugh:''' Thank you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you declared it? Staying at the villa of an influential friend?
:'''Hugh:''' I-I haven't got any influential friends, Malcolm. You are my only influential friend. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh yeah. And I'm not really your friend. 
:'''Hugh:''' You're not really my friend. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So this, uh, Super Schools Bill...
:'''Hugh:''' Yep. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't think it's so super, do you? 
:''(Malcolm gives Hugh the &quot;bollocking stare.&quot; Again.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' You're doing it now. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(unflinching)'' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's your bollocking face. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are now discussing -- or is it arguing over? -- the Super Schools Bill.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, it's great that you get all misty-eyed over Glenn's kid. But no one's trying to fuck over special needs kids. 
:'''Hugh:''' R-Really? Really? Before I went away, I consulted an expert, Mark-Mark Ryan, and he...
:'''Malcolm:''' The LSE education guy? And what did that sandal-wearing nonce have to say?  
:'''Hugh:''' What he said was that closing down special needs schools and putting needy kids into mainstream education is a lousy idea! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but I've got an expert who will ''deny'' that. 
:'''Hugh:''' And SEN parents want the special schools kept open. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, my-my expert would totally oppose that. 
:'''Hugh:''' Who is your expert? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I have no idea, but I can get one by this afternoon. You see, the thing is you have spoken to the wrong expert. You've got to ask the right expert. And you've got to know what an expert's going to advise you before he advises you. Hugh, whether you like this or not, you are gonna have to promote this bill. So what I'm gonna do is -- I'm gonna get you another expert, yeah? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(reluctantly)'' OK. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And so, on Malcolm's say-so, Hugh and Glenn are now meeting with Mr. Roy Smedley, a special needs children expert, to discuss the inclusion of special needs kids in mainstream schools.)''
:'''Hugh:''' But surely, Mr. Smedley, inclusion has been shown to fail the most vulnerable SEN children. 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' When inclusion's done badly, yes. Yes, uh, you're gonna get bad results. I mean, that's a given. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(wearily)'' Inclusion is an illusion. 
:'''Hugh:''' Mark-Mark Ryan from the LSE was saying that when the special schools do get it right, that the parents of SEN children absolutely fucking flock to...
:'''Roy Smedley:''' You spoke to Mark Ryan? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, well, some expert advice, so...
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ''(mockingly)'' OK. Expert advice from Mark Ryan? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. You have a problem with Mark Ryan? 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' In educational circles, he's-he's a bit of a joke. That's another given. 
:'''Hugh:''' Is it? 
:''(Suddenly, Hugh's computer beeps with an e-mail alert.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(responding to the alert)'' Ah, sorry. It's just that I'm expecting, uh, something quite important. 
:'''Hugh:''' Is our-Is our e-mail up and running? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. No, no, this is my hotmail. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Roy Smedley)'' Can you-Sorry, can you excuse me just, um...
:''(Roy doesn't mind Hugh being a moment. BUT...Hugh sneaks over to Terri's desk computer since she's not at her desk. Hugh then sends an e-mail to Glenn...or at least who he thinks is HIS pal, Glenn Cullen. The e-mail says &quot;Christ Alive!  What a cunt !!!&quot; While Hugh does this despicable thing, Roy continues talking to Glenn.)''
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ''(to Glenn)'' We live in an inclusive society, am I right? I mean, we-we all rub shoulders together, Mr. Cullen? 
:'''Glenn:''' Indeed. 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' So let's not let the Mark Ryans of this world create...
:'''Glenn:''' Sorry? 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ...apartheid for children. The alternative is to isolate these kids in ghetto schools. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Robyn, Ollie and Terri are looking at the atrium of the new building from their floor.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Good spot for a suicide, this, I would think: good long drop, appreciative audience.  
:'''Robyn:''' What if you just broke your back? You know, you'd be paralysed for life and then you'd still be depressed about the thing that was depressing you in the first place.  
:'''Terri:''' What are these, um, hangy-down things?  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, they're [[wikipedia:Sound_baffle#Interior_sound_baffle_design|acoustic baffles]], they stop it getting too echoey in here.  
:'''Robyn:''' So when you're breaking your back, nobody can hear you screaming?  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that is the kind of attention to detail that you get in a [[wikipedia:Private_finance_initiative|PFI]] building.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(spotting them from the ground floor)'' ''HEY! GET BACK TO WORK, ALL OF YOU!''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh has privately admitted to Terri that he sent the sweary email from her account.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Now Hugh, are you going to do the right thing, are you going to admit to this publicly?  
:'''Hugh:''' Are you – What? No! Are you mad? I can't do that, that ''mustn't'' happen! ''You've'' got – I ''need'' you, to –  
:'''Terri:''' What, to lie?  
:'''Hugh:''' I think it was [[Jacques Derrida|Derrida]] who said there is no such thing as actual ''empirical'' truth, but only –  
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, ''I'll'' tell you what Derrida said, he said, 'Go fuck your face, Abbot!'  
:''(Terri tries to storm out of the door, but only belatedly notices the exit switch)''  
:'''Hugh:''' You need to mind your language, it just will keep getting you into trouble.  
:'''Terri:''' ''(finally opening the door)'' I can't even get out the fucking room! ''(storms out)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn return from their Education Select Committee appearance.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' How was that?  
:'''Hugh:''' I lied to the Select Committee. I lied! Is Tucker in the building?  
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm in the Middle.  
:'''Hugh:''' What?  
:'''Ollie:''' It's just what they're calling him now, 'cause he can stand in the middle of the atrium and just shout at all the departments.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well I don't want to see him, not at the moment, I can't take one of his scenes from The Exorcist just now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Look, I don't think Ballentine's on to anything.  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh no? No? Well, why did she keep asking, 'Just one expert? Only one? Not two experts? Less than three but not two?' The fucking bitch.  
:'''Glenn:''' It's her style, look, she's just trying to throw you off balance like a sumo wrestler.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well it worked: there I was on the floor in a big fucking nappy.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': Christ Malcolm, how do you appear out of nowhere in a building made entirely out of glass?
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm a shape-shifter.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': It's going to be like sitting on a tea crate, having chicken shit sprayed all over me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''A civil servant:''' I'm sorry, can you stop swearing please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, you won't hear any more swearing from us, YOU MASSIVE, GAY, ''SHITE!!! FUCK OFF!'' ''(to Ollie)'' Right, how are you doing in sorting out whether or not he lied or not, are you OK?
:'''Ollie:''' Pretty well, yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that a lie?  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That is not fucking funny, you retard. I'm sorry about that, Glenn. The situation just –
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Claire Ballentine:''' Are you lying to me now about not lying to me before? 
:'''Hugh:''' No, I am not a liar. I categorically did not knowingly not tell the truth, even though unknowingly I might not have done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know what else can go wrong now. Unless the flexible energy system sets fire to my office and then puts it out by squirting liquefied human shit through the ceiling sprinklers.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': Hey, I'm going to have a swear box installed on Monday.
:'''Hugh''': What?
:'''Malcolm''': Fucking joking, you twat! I'm on turbo.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' God, right, okay, well, seein' as you're not used to this, I'll go through it for you, okay? What happens at a press conference is this. A bunch of press people are gonna appear, they've got things called cameras and microphones and mobile phones and hangovers and bad breath. Then you are gonna walk out and you're gonna read from what we call a &quot;prepared statement&quot;. In that you will say, &quot;I'm really fucking sorry for sounding like a hairy-arsed docker after twelve pints. I promise that I will never call an 8-year-old girl a cunt again. Can we now just draw a line over this, and fucking move on. Thank you&quot;. Everybody goes home and then we wait and we see what happens. The best case is you get to keep your job, although you will forever be known as the Sweary Woman of Whitehall.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie''' ''(on the phone to a man he can see in a glass office)'': Yes, but you can't just dump rabies on us because you don't want it. You're Health, that's your job! You should have rabies. Health should have rabies, right? ''(sees the man mime fellatio)'' Oh right, yeah, fine. OK. So we're gonna have to swallow this one, but if we have to deal with a rabies outbreak we're gonna do it so fucking well, you're gonna be frothing at the mouth – yeah, twice! ''(hangs up)'' You prick!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Hugh:''' First day back from holiday, tanned, tawdry and cheap. I feel like something out of ''[[wikipedia:Footballers'_Wives|Footballers' Wives]]''.  
:'''Glenn:''' How do you know about ''Footballers' Wives''?  
:'''Hugh:''' Ollie told me. They all live in Chelmsford, have names like Madison and Chutney, they're an orange colour and they've got thongs up their cracks.

==The Rise Of The Nutters==
:''(In the opening scene of this episode, Ollie Reeder and his girlfriend, Emma Messenger, are walking down the street together in the morning. Ollie and Emma are on opposite sides of the British political spectrum. Nevertheless, the two of them are enjoying some good-natured banter talking about their party leaders.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I'm extremely impressed. I'm highly impressed that you're going to see the leader of your party. 
:'''Emma Messenger:''' Good. You should be impressed. 
:'''Ollie:''' Although, ultimately, the leader of your party is just a man, really, isn't he? He's just a guy. 
:'''Emma:''' Ah, now that's a good point, actually, because yours on the other hand is...
:'''Ollie:''' No no no no. Mine is...
:'''Emma:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' ...the leader of the country also. What I'm saying is ''if'' we were playing Top Trumps, which we kind of are...
:'''Emma:''' Oh, cor, we absolutely are, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' I win. 
:'''Emma:''' Right. So it's Ben Swain Day today, is it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. A Nutter in our midst. A junior minister for me to push around, you know. That's nice, isn't it? A bit more power for me. 
:'''Emma:''' You are an extremely powerful man, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Very powerful, very attractive sexually, due to all this power.
:''(As Ollie and Emma get to Government Headquarters, they are met up with Malcolm and Jamie.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Hey, Poxbridge!
:'''Malcolm:''' Hello!
:'''Jamie:''' Hey, dickhead! Happy New Queer!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, but I – don't be so offensive. I do apologise for my friend's behaviour. Did you have a nice Poof-mas?
:'''Ollie:''' What are you two, um, doing round Richmond Terrace then? 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, we're slumming it. Just going to see Julius, the big baldy ballbag. ''(to Emma)'' You must be, you, what is it? Gemma? Gemma? 
:'''Emma:''' Emma. It's Emma. 
:'''Jamie:''' Emma. Hi, Emma. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What are you doing down here? 
:'''Ollie:''' I'm babysitting Ben Swain for the day. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Could you water my spider plants in my office as well? ''(to Emma)'' He's very good with the watering can. Very very bright lad. Homemaker. 
:''(And with that, Ollie and Emma share a rather awkward goodbye -- WITH NO KISS!)'' 
:'''Emma:''' I'll see you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, see you later. ''(Ollie rushes inside to catch up with Jamie and Malcolm.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie are busting Ollie's chops about his relationship with Emma.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So, the girlfriend, she-she doesn't mind the whole, uh, you being gay thing? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Did you take her home for Christmas? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. God, no. I couldn't do that. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh no, you couldn't do that, 'cause she wouldn't fit in. 'Cause you're that right dyed-in-the-wool working class, aren't you? She's probably allergic to pit ponies. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Peter Mannion, the Leader of the Opposition, is having a chat with his adviser, Phil Smith. As they're entering Opposition Headquarters, Peter and Phil are discussing Emma's relationship with Ollie...and Phil just happens to be Emma's roommate.)'' 
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Are they actually sleeping together? 
:'''Phil Smith:''' Yes, yeah. In the flat. 
:'''Peter:''' Do you think she's on top or, what-what do you hear? 
:'''Phil:''' Well, I hear her say, &quot;How do you like it?&quot; And he'll say, &quot;I've got to page Tucker.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, God. ''(beat)'' Have I shaved properly? It's just we're-we're having the bathroom done and I was in the kitchen this morning using the kettle as a mirror. 
:'''Phil:''' No, you're very smooth. So it's a chrome kettle, then? 
:'''Peter:''' You've been watching ''[[wikipedia:CSI|CSI]]'' again, haven't you? 
:''(As Peter and Phil are walking up the stairs, they are joined by Emma, who is also Peter's advisor.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Morning. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, hello. How was sleeping with the enemy? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh, hilarious. I forgot how funny you were. 
:''(The three of them are nearing the office...)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' What time are you seeing Stewart? 
:'''Emma:''' It'll be in about half an hour. What about you? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, I'll be last in. He's punishing me for standing against JB in the leadership contest by putting me in the [[wikipedia:Ryanair|Ryanair]] queue. 
:'''Emma:''' Come on, he got you that terrific photo op with the, uh, wind turbine thing on your house, remember? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes, and it cost me 12 grand. And I have to pay for the electricity bill to keep the bugger turning because, of course, there's no wind in the valley, I have to plug it in. But my next door neighbor has an England flag that just hangs there limply while my turbine mysteriously whizzes around. 
:'''Phil:''' Could turn the turbine round so it blows his flag. 
:''(Peter, Emma and Phil finally sit down.)''
:'''Phil:''' Right. What's up first, then, Peter? 
:'''Emma:''' While we're here, we could bat a few ideas around. 
:'''Peter:''' He wants something fluffy for the speech, does he? Environment? Tax breaks for aromatherapists? SatNav for asylum seekers? 
:'''Phil:''' Well, I was thinking about a departmental blog. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning again)'' Oh, God. Really? 
:'''Phil:''' I could actually do the..the writing bit of it, because you wouldn't have time.  
:'''Peter:''' Well, I mean, I might as well, I've knack all else to do. ''(Peter turns to Phil)'' Though, um...to be honest, you-you sort it out. 
:'''Phil:''' I thought we could have like a guest book so that, kind of, you know, readers can kind of leave their comments. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you sure? Have you ever Googled your own name? It's like opening a door to a room where everyone tells you how shit you are. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm, Jamie and Ollie are walking up the stairs to the offices at Government HQ, discussing Ben Swain.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Where's [[wikipedia:My Little Pony|My Little Phony?]] Ben Swain. What's his ''[[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]]'' angle gonna be, then? 
:'''Ollie:''' Ben? Ben is going on Newsnight?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, you're a right little West Winger, you, aren't you? They're cutting you out of the loop already? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll check who the presenter is and obviously...
:'''Jamie:''' The presenter is Newsbot 3.2. He's a nobody. He's a fucking scorch mark. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Paxo's in Kenya fly-fishing with [[wikipedia:Stephen Fry|Stephen Fry]] or whatever the fuck it is he does. Kirsty is sobering up in Kilmarnock with her gran, so she's out of the picture. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll just check the lines with Pat Morrissey, then. And then we'll...
:'''Jamie:''' Pat Morrissey?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Jamie:''' Her? What, Fat Pat? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Jamie:''' &quot;Pumpkin Tits?&quot;
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Pat and, uh, Communications have asked that everything be double-ticked through her from now. ''(to Malcolm)'' I mean, you get a tick as well. Obviously. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh well, well obviously! Yes, that's-that's very very nice and that's very fucking big of them! I get a tick! 
:'''Ollie:''' So I mean, it's, it's two ticks for a, uh, a green light, basically, that's the system.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(beside himself)'' Pat Morrissey. Communications is full of Nutters these days. 
:'''Jamie:''' Soon as the PM said he'd be gone inside a year, the Nutters start popping up like [[wikipedia:Melanoma|mela-fucking-noma]]. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' See you later. See you in a tick. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What about you? You're not a Nutter, are you? 
:'''Ollie:''' I-I'm not a Nutter, Jamie. I'm...I'm a nipper.  
:''(Ollie then bumps into Terri.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Hey, Terri! 
:'''Terri:''' Hi, Ollie, Happy New Year! 
:'''Ollie:''' How was Christmas? 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, you know...
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I know, yeah. Six pairs of socks, three Harry Potter omnibuses. All that &quot;I thought you were taking the giblets out. Don't give Nan any more Baileys. She's only got the one pad with her.&quot; ''(Ollie follows Terri into an office.)'' Every bloody year. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, you know, just me and Mum in the care home. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. Jesus...So, eh, Ben on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Terri:''' Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah. Oh, God, thank God you didn't know, either. I thought it was just me. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh no no no. I did know about that, actually. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, why did you say it like that, then? &quot;Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?''&quot;
:'''Terri:''' You're just out of the loop. I'm very well wired into the Tommists. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Nobody calls them Tommists. They're Nutters, Terri. Nobody calls them Tommists. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(dead serious)'' I don't like that word. My sister works in mental health. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ben Swain, the Junior Minister that Ollie is &quot;babysitting,&quot; arrives at the office.)'' 
:'''Ben Swain:''' Morning, all! 
:'''Terri:''' Benjamin! Happy New Year! 
:'''Ollie:''' Ben! Big Ben, Ben-Benji, Beno, Benj.
:'''Ben:''' Happy New Year to you as well. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' These are the briefing notes. 
:'''Ben:''' Ah, splendid. I'll file these directly in the shredder. Thank you, Glenn. 
:''(Ben, Glenn and Ollie enter an office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' If you just, uh, stick to what's in there, you'll be all right. Just remember, you're the night watchman, all right? 
:'''Ben:''' Yes, well, I like to think of myself as more, perhaps, I don't know, an elected MP than a night watchman, Glenn. But thank you very much for everything, I'll be fine without you holding my hand. You enjoy your weekend cottaging in Wales or whatever it is you're up to. 
:''(Ollie picks up a copy of Ben's upcoming book, which is called, &quot;It's the Everything, Stupid: How to Get Ahead in Modern Politics.&quot;)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(impressed)'' This is looking good. When is it coming out? 
:'''Ben:''' End of the, end of the week. You'll be able to make the launch party? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Ben)'' Great title. 
:'''Ben:''' Thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' And have you written it yourself or was it ghosted by, uh...
:'''Ben:''' By [[wikipedia:Victoria Beckham|Victoria Beckham]]? No, everything in there is entirely-entirely written by me, I think you'll find. Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' There you go, you have hidden talents. 
:'''Ben:''' Anyone heard from &quot;The Hughster?&quot; 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, he's suffering from jet lag. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Ben)'' Have you ever been to Australia? 
:'''Ben:''' No. Why would I want to go there? Full of people in khaki, squinting. Just the world's largest collection of poisonous things. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, yeah. God, yeah. If you want to stick around with poisonous snakes, you might as well stay here. 
:''(Awkward silence occurs after Ollie's stupid attempt at a joke.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(jokingly)'' Throw a blanket on me, I'm on fire. 
:'''Ben:''' Heh-heh, good. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Before Glenn heads off to Wales, he gives Ollie some last-minute instructions for babysitting Ben.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, Ollie. We may be babysitting a Nutter. He may look like a Womble, but he's got Nutter eyes and Nutter ears. So, keep an eye on him. 
:'''Ollie:''' All right, the minute any chicken blood turns up on the paperwork, I'll be straight on to you, don't worry. 
:'''Glenn:''' Right, I'm off to Wales and the late 1950s. 
:''(Terri blows Glenn a friendly kiss goodbye.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Happy trails.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(As Peter is waiting to meet with Stewart -- still -- he has a conversation with Phil about his upcoming holiday.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(coughing)'' Oh, I can't get rid of this. 
:'''Phil:''' I bet you're looking forward to your holiday. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, yeah. I mean, obviously, I'm not flying abroad anywhere, because...
:'''Phil:''' Carbon. 
:'''Peter:''' No, bathroom. I'm supervising the doing up of my bathroom. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(looking at two lamps)'' What is that?
:'''Peter:''' It's just –
:'''Phil:''' Is that raffia?
:'''Peter:''' He's discovered IKEA, hasn't he?
:'''Phil:''' It's all for show. They want to look modern, like they appeal to the kind of people who go to IKEA.
:'''Peter:''' I'm modern! I say 'black' instead of 'coloured', I think women are a good thing, I have no problem with gays. Most of them are very well turned out, especially the men.
:'''Phil:''' I know.
:'''Peter:''' Why is it, this last year, I'm being made to feel as if I'm always two steps behind, like I can't program the video or convert everything back to [[wikipedia:£sd|old money]]? Because that's not me!
:'''Phil:''' ''(confused)'' You've still got a video?
:'''Peter:''' I'm a one-nation party. 
:''(And now, it's time to meet Stewart Pearson, the Director of Communications for the Opposition. Stewart and Emma are sharing a laugh as she's leaving his office. Now, Stewart is ready to see Peter.)'' 
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' ''(smiling)'' Ah, Peter. Dr. Stewart will see you now, hey? I could hear you coughing in there. Is that your contribution to the meeting? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' You all right? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes, okay. You know, it's just hanging around. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, I'm sorry to keep you hanging about, but you know, right now all the...all the big priority stuff is the big party stuff. 
:'''Peter:''' I was talking about the cold hanging around. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, right. ''(Stewart heads back into his office.)'' Thanks very much, Em. 
:''(As Peter goes into Stewart's office for a chat, Phil asks Emma about her meeting.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Was that fun there? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, it was useful. 
:'''Phil:''' Playing with the big boys? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah. Now I'm back with the little boys, huh? 
:'''Phil:''' No. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart and Peter start their chat.)''
:'''Stewart:''' So. How are you, then? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(nodding)'' Fine, I'm-I'm fine. 
:'''Stewart:''' Good, superb, because the reason I've asked you in -- I mean, firstly, just to say, &quot;Hi, how are you?&quot;...
:'''Peter:''' Still fine. 
:'''Stewart:''' Then, this photo call this afternoon, &quot;100 Days of the New Leader.&quot; We've got you a Paul Smith suit. I did think about Vivienne Westwood or...Well, it was just too expensive. And, oh, and a Ted Baker... ''(Stewart pulls out a pinkish-looking shirt with stripes on it.)'' Ted Baker shirt, right? No tie, we're thinking open-necked look might be good. 
:'''Peter:''' But I'm already wearing a suit and, controversially, a tie. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, sure. But frankly, you know, it all looks a bit '80s, you know? [[wikipedia:Robert Palmer|Robert Palmer]], Sink the Belgrano, that kind of vibe. We think this is better, it's modern, it's sharp, it's slimming. Try it on. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(in amused disbelief)'' Is this a joke? 
:'''Stewart:''' Try the suit on. 
:''(Moments later, Stewart makes Peter change into a different suit and shirt.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Just wondering whether you're fully conversant with the new line, whether you're really up to speed?
:'''Peter:''' Well, I don't know. Am I? Because, uh, I get people stopping me in the streets and saying, 'Are you still for locking up yobbos?', and I say, 'Yeah, of course we are.' And then I think, 'Well, are we?' Because maybe I missed a memo from you. Maybe I should understand yobbos now, or not even call them yobbos, call them 'young men with issues around stabbing.' ''(awkward silence)'' No tie, you say?
:'''Stewart:''' No tie.
:'''Peter:''' Quite a nice suit, actually.
:'''Stewart:''' So, we were thinking...Shirt outside the trousers.
:'''Peter:''' Outside? Not tuck my shirt in?
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah.
:'''Peter:''' I always tuck my shirt in, it's part of getting dressed. What, should I not do my flies up either? Let the old chap flop out. Is that modern enough for you?
:'''Stewart:''' Just try it, Peter. Not the cock out, but just the shirt thing.
:'''Peter:''' ''(untucking his shirt)'' I'm from a generation of men, Stewart, who tuck their shirts in. I've done it since I was a boy, I was told off for ''not'' doing it.
:'''Stewart:''' Oh God, no, you were right. Sorry, no, tuck it in. You look like you've been startled by a fire alarm.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie enter Ben's office. Time to discuss Ben's upcoming appearance as Jeremy Paxman's guest on Newsnight.)''
:'''Jamie:''' Mr. Swain. 
:'''Ben:''' Jamie. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Good morning, Ben. 
:'''Ben:''' Morning, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to 2 office workers)'' Off you two fuck. 
:''(The 2 workers leave Ben's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, Ben, heard the big news about [[wikipedia:Jeremy_Paxman|Paxo]].
:'''Ben:''' Oh right.
:'''Malcolm:''' What was it you did in your gap year again?
:'''Ben:''' Um, Interrailing, month on a kibbutz –
:'''Malcolm:''' Did you ever travel, like, 100 miles per hour, head-first through a tunnel full of pig shit? Because that's what's gonna happen to you tonight with Paxman, ''unless'', unless...you listen to us.
:'''Jamie:''' He will eat you up, sick you out and grout his fucking wet room with you.
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, I have been interviewed on television before, thank you very much.
:'''Malcolm:''' Who?
:'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:George_Alagiah|George Alagiah]].
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah? Do you know what they call him? Easy George.
:'''Malcolm:''' This is Paxo. What are you gonna do when he pulls that big rubbery horse-face of mock-incredulity at you?
:'''Ben:''' Yes, look, we know the cheat codes for Paxman now, don't we? That old aggressive style of his is just old school. All you need to do, you play the honest, the Honest Joe just trying to humbly get your point across and...
:'''Jamie:''' ''(pulling up a chair)'' Let's see you do your stuff, Mr. Television, huh? 
:''(Jamie is pretending to be Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight, asking Ben questions.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(As Paxo)'' Immigration is in disarray. What are ''you'' going to do about it? 
:'''Ben:''' Well, first of all, I would have to take issue with your contention that immigration is in...
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, answer the question, you fat fuck! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil and Emma are home in their flat -- discussing Ollie.)''
:'''Phil:''' Why the fuck do you have to keep inviting him round here?
:'''Emma:''' Oh, are you a bit jealous?
:'''Phil:''' Of [[wikipedia:Gerald_Home|the man]] from the Mr Muscle adverts? No, I just think it's just unreasonable that I have to watch what I'm gonna say in my own flat; I mean, you could at least give me warning if he's coming round or something.
:'''Emma:''' I tell you what, I'll put a sex grid on the fridge.
:'''Phil:''' Oh, yeah.
:'''Emma:''' So that you can have dates and stuff: I'll put an A4 piece of paper for me up, and maybe you could have half a post-it note? You could share it with Affers, maybe.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. Have to write really small, though, I've slept with three women in –
:'''Ollie:''' ''(returning from the toilet)'' Your life?
:'''Phil:''' Yes.
:''(Ollie laughs)''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Ollie, Emma, and Phil are watching Ben Swain's [[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]] interview together. Malcolm, who is also watching from his office, is on the phone to Jamie, who is watching Ben from inside the studio.)''
:'''Emma:''' What's he doing with his eyes?
:'''Ollie:''' Oh my God. He's got a nervous blink.
:'''Malcolm:''' That's a mega blink! It's not just ''a'' blink.
:'''Ollie:''' He looks like what happens when you punch a cow. ''(impersonates a cow mooing in pain)''
:'''Phil:''' Oh my God, this is like watching a lion rape a sheep, but in a bad way.
:'''Jamie:''' The cameramen are laughing.
:'''Ollie:''' 'J-j-j-j-just'!
:'''Emma:''' Stop him, stop him!
:'''Ollie:''' He spelled 'just' with four Js!
:'''Malcolm:''' He's like a chicken, he's like an enormous chicken!
:'''Phil:''' It's just one word he's been saying, which is basically ''(gibberish)''.
:'''Jamie:''' Well, what about the coalface?
:'''Malcolm:''' Pull it, puncture his lifebelt. Pull it, give him the signal. If he shits, I'll give you 500 quid.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(After Ben Swain's interview)''
:'''Ollie:''' Well he certainly looked like a Nutter.
:'''Emma:''' He looked like that little guy on the green that shouts 'You're an Arab' at everyone.
:'''Phil:''' It's a tough day tomorrow, picking bits of Ben out of Malcolm's car.
:'''Ollie:''' He didn't mention the coalface idea.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ben, in the car back from the studio)'' You don't deserve to ''live!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' How is my blog? My own personal blog, personally written by me?
:''(they all go to the computer)''
:'''Phil:''' There we go.
:'''Emma:''' Oh, brilliant.
:'''Phil:''' Yesterday you liked the leader's speech, it was bold and courageous and sent out the right signals, and you had a fruit lunch.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, I write very well. What's the feedback like?
:'''Phil:''' Pretty good. Let's see on this page here. Here we go.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;I don't trust you, you Cypriot crook.&quot;
:'''Phil:''' What?
:'''Peter:''' Cypriot? This is the shit room. You've opened the shit room door.
:'''Emma:''' Oh come on, that's not too bad.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;How are the maintenance payments going on your bastard?&quot; Christ, that was twelve years ago!
:'''Phil:''' I hadn't seen that one.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;Adulterous Nazi&quot;?
:'''Phil:''' Or that one.
:'''Emma:''' That's actually I think the same one.
:'''Peter:''' This is the trouble with the public, they're fucking horrible.
:'''Emma:''' Peter, you really – you can't say the public are fucking horrible.
:'''Peter:''' Yes I can, I've met them. &quot;You've always got such a pained expression. Do you take it up the chutney?&quot; Really? I mean, for God's sake.
:'''Emma:''' The chutney?
:'''Peter:''' Yes, it's up the arse.
:'''Emma:''' See this: I still don't understand why people do this 'h8' thing. If you're going to leave a message, I mean, at least spell it correctly.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil:''' What the fuck was that all about? You know, nicking the other lot's ideas?
:'''Emma:''' You jumped straight on the bandwagon, you hypocrite.
:'''Phil:''' You started it. You know, at least I'm not nicking my boyfriend's ideas.
:'''Emma:''' You sanctimonious twat! Jesus, you're not my dad, Phil, even if you do dress like him.
:'''Peter:''' ''(knocking from behind glass)'' What's going on?
:'''Phil:''' Swain was supposed to flag up the coalface idea last night but he didn't. So Emma nicked it.
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, fuck-tastic. Not only was it a shit idea to ruin my holiday, it was a shit idea you stole from the government to ruin my holiday. Good work.
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Thanks a lot, [[wikipedia:Supergrass_(informant)|Supergrass]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)'': Oh, here he is. Dead man walking. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Ben)'' 'I, I, I wish you wouldn't keep saying that, I, I, I –' ''(normal voice)'' What's your favourite band, [[blink-182]]?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' That's not a proper cigar: a proper cigar is those big Cuban whoppers, that's just a jumped-up fag.
:'''Malcolm:''' Talking of [[wikipedia:Fagging|which]] –  
:'''Ollie''' ''(entering)'': Hi.
:'''Jamie and Malcolm:''' Hey!
:'''Jamie:''' Is it [[wikipedia:Rag_(student_society)#Rag_Week|Rag Week]]?
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you fancy a cigar? I promise I won't tell any of the other prefects.
:'''Jamie:''' Hand rolled on the thigh of a Cuban virgin with big tits and four kids.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, thanks. Um, Malcolm, I just wondered if I could have a quick word, actually. The opposition have got the Week at the Coalface idea. They're gonna do it.
:'''Jamie:''' Who, when?
:'''Ollie:''' Peter Mannion, I don't know when.
:'''Malcolm:''' How the fuck did they get that? Your fucking girlfriend, Jesus Christ!
:'''Jamie:''' You should have dumped that mad bitch ages ago.
:'''Ollie:''' Well I would've done! She is mad, she's a mental woman! But you two kept telling me to go out with her and stay going out with her, just in case I found anything out!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, and what did you find out? That you've been leaking intelligence to them? You're the fucking shittest James Bond ever. You're... you're [[wikipedia:David_Niven|David fucking Niven]]!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Malcolm:''' Get him properly fucking screen-tested. I'm sorry mate, but you need a lot of powder, I've never seen anybody look so fucking ugly with just one head.
:'''Ben:''' Yeah. No, I lost my islands of safety, didn't I, which is –
:'''Malcolm:''' And who was it that did your media training? [[wikipedia:Moors_murders#Myra_Hindley|Myra Hindley]]? I mean, it was terrible, all this – hands were all over the place. You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra! It was like watching John Leslie at work!
:'''Ben:''' Yes, I know all of that, and it just kind of fell away. God, it was like one of those dreams when you're wandering around [[wikipedia:Covent_Garden|Covent Garden]] or something in just your vest and everyone's staring at you.
:'''Jamie:''' I think it was much worse than that, I mean, how many people see you in Covent Garden, a few thousand? Your meltdown was witnessed by 1.2 million people. That's more people than saw [[wikipedia:Al_Jolson|Al Jolson]] in his entire career. And that's Al fucking Jolson!
:'''Malcolm:''' He loves Al Jolson.
:'''Jamie:''' The Governor!
:'''Ollie:''' '[[wikipedia:My_Mammy|Maaammy]].'
:'''Jamie:''' You take the piss out of Jolson again, and I will remove your [[iPod]] from its tiny nano-sheath, and push it up your ''cock!'' And then I'll plug some speakers up your arse, and put it onto shuffle with my fucking fist! And every time I hear something that I don't like, which will be every time that something comes on, I will skip to the next track ''(to Ben)'' by crushing ''your balls!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, sorry! Do you know what, maybe you should dump Peter and go out with Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, it wouldn't be any more disastrous than our relationship, would it, hey?
:'''Emma:''' Christ, Ollie, well if it's been such a fucking disaster, why didn't you break up with me sooner?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, if it had been up to me I would have broken up with you sooner!
:'''Emma:''' If it had been up t– Oh, OK – This is Malcolm, isn't it? Malcolm has been pimping you out! You fucking sad little –
:'''Phil:''' ''(laughing)'' That's funny.  
:'''Ollie and Emma:''' Fuck you, Phil!
:'''Phil:''' Oh, suddenly ''I'm'' the bad guy again.
:'''Ollie:''' Go and read your blog, nerd boy! I'm going. This is the point where I go.
:'''Phil:''' Wow. That point actually exists. Incredible.
:'''Ollie:''' I will be so ''not'' sorry not ever to have to talk to you again, you massive floppy blonde tit! I hope your blog gets done for libel and you get knobbed in prison by men. And – ''(to Emma)'' it is over, you self-serving, crypto-fascist, horse-loving, posh, weekend-at-Daddy's, vacuous nothing! ''(leaves)''
:'''Emma:''' Fuck you, Ollie, and put your keys on the side!
:'''Phil:''' He's got keys?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(looking at a newspaper story with the headline &quot;Silly Tucker: Was web of filth spun by Downing Street 'Spiderman'?&quot;)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': The story isn't me, Glenn, OK? Nobody is interested in me and I'll be pleased if you'd remember that, OK?
:'''Glenn''' ''(at his sister's Welsh cottage)'': You sure you don't want me and Hugh to come back? We could give you some cover.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh is not coming back: it would look like we're panicking, and we're not panicking. But I need ''you'' back here fucking ASAP to let them know that we're not panicking.
:'''Glenn:''' So you want me to interrupt ''my'' holiday in a panic, so that Hugh doesn't have to interrupt ''his'' holiday and look like he's panicking?
:'''Malcolm:''' You get back here! I wanna see you popping a bollock for me! ''(hangs up)''
:'''Jamie:''' ''(walking in, holding up the same 'Silly Tucker' story)'' You seen this?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I haven't seen that. I'm the senior press guy for the Government of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. No, I don't look at the newspapers, that's fucking news to me.
:'''Jamie:''' All right, all right. What are we doing?
:'''Malcolm:''' What are we doing? Fuck all, we're not doing nothing, all right, because I am not the story here.
:'''Jamie:''' Well, no, you kind of are the story, Malc: they spelt your name right and everything.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You take this and this, and you put it onto your bird's breasts, and you rub them and squeeze them very very gently, you get her into the sack, you bang her fucking brains out, you make sure that she cums, and you just give her the policy!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, but I chucked her, and not in a kind of, you know, 'It's not you, it's me' sort of way, more in a 'It ''is'' you, you hideous vacuous [[Sloane Ranger|Sloane]] bitch from hell' kind of scorched-earth kind of –
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really not interested at all in your little tiff. Get round there, take your Barry White album and your lube and your fucking policy folder.
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this is really crossing the line here –
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't start with the moral objections, you fucking [[wikipedia:Blue_Peter_badge|Blue Peter badge]]-wearing ponce! Go and make a contribution to fucking Amnesty International, go and buy a goat the whole village can fuck! But you are doing this for me.
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you're bullying me, and, you know, I don't know why you're bullying me, you're –
:'''Malcolm:''' How dare you? How dare you! Don't you ever, ''ever'', call me a bully. I'm so much worse than that. Do it. OK? Wash your hands.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Do I know you? Oh, don't you work for somebody famous? Er, Malcolm [[wikipedia:Hamish_Macbeth|Hamish MacDeath]]?
:'''Jamie:''' It's, er, Peter Onion, isn't it?
:'''Peter:''' Hah! That's right.
:'''Jamie:''' I always forget, were you the forced abortion or the love child? Or the guy who asphyxiated himself with a kiwi?
:'''Peter:''' Just the love child: I was the quiet one.
:'''Phil:''' Like [[wikipedia:John_Deacon|John Deacon]] in Queen.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''' ''(on her phone)'': Well I might as well call myself on unofficial leave now: nothing will happen for the next three weeks, absolutely zero. I'm gonna book that holiday. Yeah, well, I mean, all they'll be doing, they'll be bobbing about like emperor penguins trying to swap over an egg.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Jamie:''' Is your department looking at a 10 million overspend? Yes, or no?
:'''Ben:''' Well, I don't have the figures to hand, but all I can say is that if there has been an overspend or a perceived overspend within this department, then certainly I think I've – ''(sees Jamie mime fellatio)'' He's not gonna do that, is he?
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh yes, he will, and he will do a lot more. Jazz hands, he'll be touching you up under the table, he's got all the tricks.
:'''Ben:''' No he won't! Fuck off, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' You, listen. First things first: you need some interruption lines, yeah? Something that you can throw in.
:'''Ben:''' All right: how about, er, 'I will answer the questions in the order you asked them, Jeremy'.
:'''Jamie:''' That makes you sound like a smug Oxbridge twat. Oh, I know you are, but ''everyone'' doesn't need to know.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(while watching Ben Swain on Newsnight)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Still, at least Hugh will be pleased.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, he'll be thrilled, I'm sure! His department on the rack, he'll be like, 'Hey, Ollie, thanks for running the department, although it seems to have all turned to shit!' You're like the man with the [[wikipedia:Midas#Golden_Touch|Midas touch]], except instead of everything you touch turning to gold, it turns to shit. You're like the man with the shit touch. Shitfinger.
:'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you be online pretending to be a Hobbit, eh? Trying to get a date with a lady Hobbit, but failing?
:'''Phil:''' Shitfinger.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh hey, hello, here he is! The walk of shame.
:'''Jamie:''' You never told us you had epilepsy of the eyes. Was that a sweat, or were you crying?
:'''Malcolm:''' Have I seen you on the telly?
:'''Ben:''' ''(laughs)'' Yeah. [[wikipedia:Blockbusters_(British_game_show)|Blockbuster]], 1991, I got a Gold Run.
:'''Malcolm:''' You know what, I have never seen anyone sweat so much in my life. And I've had a sauna with [[Luciano Pavarotti|Pavarotti]]! I know that politicians and hot air are supposed to go together, but I've never actually seen one vapourise!
:'''Ben:''' Can I get you two fellows a drink?
:'''Malcolm:''' An orange juice, yeah, yes.
:'''Ben:''' Jamie?
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I'll have a pint of 'Fuck right off and die, you miserable fucking tosser'. Do they do that in here?
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a wee bit disappointed.
:'''Jamie:''' We'll get you on [[wikipedia:Newsround|Newsround]] next time. You reflected badly on me, and I don't like that.
:'''Ben:''' Oh come on, Jamie, look, I'll get you a drink and then we'll –
:'''Jamie:''' DO YOU WANT A FUCKING SPLINTER GLASS FACIAL? I'm not pretending to hate you here, I actually fucking hate you! I'm not playing a fucking game. Fuck off! ''(leaves)''
:'''Malcolm:''' He trained as a priest.
:'''Ben:''' Really? Yeah, he'd be fantastic, I'd confess everything to him.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where are you tonight? 'Cause you're not here. What, no invitation for number one party animal, Julius [[Pete Doherty]] Nicholson?
:'''Julius:''' Who's Peter O'Doherty?
:'''Malcolm:''' Stop trying to joke, OK? Don't joke, you are not funny, Julius, you're about as funny as a blind toddler in a fucking minefield.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn''' ''(in his sister's Welsh cottage, on the phone)'': Ah, Malcolm. Terri's just rung about the wankers' announcement, and I thought you'd want to know, Hugh's on the way to the airport, but do you want me to definitely tell him to get on the plane?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, it's too fucking late. What's he gonna do, come and shadow the shadow of DoSAC shadowing him? Show him where the bogs are?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, but you told me to tell him to come home.
:'''Malcolm:''' Did I?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah!
:'''Ollie''' ''(in Malcolm's office, on the phone)'': Right, Hugh, hi. Er, no, I don't think you're going to be wanted back here.
:'''Malcolm:''' What is the problem?
:'''Ollie:''' He's on some road somewhere where he can't do a U-turn for about five miles or something.
:'''Malcolm:''' Good! I like to know that I can still make him miserable even though he's 12,000 miles away.

==Spinners and Losers==
:''(Amidst all the chaos swirling after the announcement of the PM's surprise resignation, Ollie's cell phone rings. It's Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Angela, hello. 
:'''Angela:''' Ollie. How are you? 
:'''Ollie:''' I am tickets-fuckety-boo, thank you very much. 
:'''Angela:''' Sorry?
:'''Ollie:''' Tickets-fuckety-boo. It's just something that Ben says. 
:'''Angela:''' Are you and Ben Swain big buds, then? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you know...Just, could you...
:''(Ollie has to get away from Glenn, because Glenn is talking to Hugh on his cell phone.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Angela)'' Hang on just a second...
:''(Ollie walks away from the action...and then resumes his conversation with Angela.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(in a quieter voice)'' Things are just a little bit fluid here and Glenn's not really a big Ben fan. Ben Swain obviously, not the clock. Well, it's not the clock, is it? It's the bell that's called Big Ben.   
:'''Angela:''' So go on, tell me: Who else is running? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(in the men's toilets)'' Well, no one. No one's gonna stand against Tom now, surely, it's going to be unopposed. ''(Starts using the urinal)'' They'll be rebranding him as we speak, I would imagine: new hair, [[wikipedia:Ted_Baker|Ted Baker]] teeth, all the modern trappings of your political leader –  
:'''Angela:''' Ollie! Are you pissing?  
:'''Ollie:''' Er no, that's the flush of the automatic urinals, it's a gentlemen's lavatory.  
:'''Angela:''' I don't want to talk to you while you're holding your penis.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that's not what you used to say, Angela.  
:'''Angela:''' Er, yes it is.  
:'''Ollie:''' No, well – actually it is precisely what you used to say.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Has anybody seen Jamie?
:'''Glenn:''' Why, have you lost him?
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, don't tell me he's gone feral, 'cause he was fucking terrifying when you had him on the leash!
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's not overreact. 
:'''Ollie:''' Easy for ''you'' to say, he threatened to shove an iPod up my cock! 
:'''Malcolm:''' But you get that a lot, though, don't you?
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(discussing Dan Miller)''  
:'''Glenn:''' You don't think he's got a chance, do you?  
:'''Ollie:''' Nah, he's just a droid, isn't he? He's just – ''(makes robotic noises and gestures)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(lecturing Ollie)'' Hey hey hey hey. Don't-don't-don't let him hear you doing that sort of stuff. What happens if he does stand a chance, eh? He'll fuck you harder than [[wikipedia:Ron_Jeremy|Ron Jeremy]], and with less warmth.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at the Daily Mail's headquarters, Adam Kenyon, the editor-in-chief at the mail, is discussing the news of who's standing for leadership with Angela.)'' 
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, Geoff Holhurst?  
:'''Angela:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam:''' Right, Ollie's our source on this, is he? Ollie Reeder? [[wikipedia:Deep_Throat_(Watergate)|Shallow Throat]]? Brilliant.  
:'''Angela:''' Yeah, I know you don't rate him.  
:'''Adam:''' You can say that again. Ollie Reeder is, to quote [[wikipedia:Bobby Kennedy|Robert F. Kennedy]], a complete fucking spazmaloid. Plus you know how Geoff Holhurst photographs: it looks like his body's in the foreground and his head is really really far away, he looks fucking weird. Just something solid, all right? Otherwise our front page is gonna be an interview with [[wikipedia:Janet_Street-Porter|Janet Street-Porter]] on why she hasn't been asked to be Prime Minister and a giant fucking Sudoku.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Downstairs at Number 10, Malcolm has an awkward run-in with Cliff Lawton.)'' 
:'''Cliff:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Elvis! Sorry, sorry. Cliff, Cliff. Where are you off to? 
:'''Cliff:''' I'm actually off to, uh, to see an old colleague, you know, from the old days, from, uh...before you asked me to resign. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, lovely, lovely. Well, look, I'd love to stop and chat to you, but you know, I'd rather have Type 2 diabetes.  
:'''Cliff Lawton:''' Yes, fuck you, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, Happy New Year.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As Malcolm enters his office, he finds, to his surprise -- or is it dismay? -- Geoff Holhurst. Geoff stands up to greet Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. Hi, Geoff, don't stand. 
:'''Geoff:''' Oh. ''(Geoff sits back down)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, I mean, &quot;Don't stand against Tom.&quot; Now do you see what I did there? I was both being funny and also deadly serious. 
:'''Geoff:''' Yeah, now where did you hear that, Malcolm? I'm not standing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Never mind where I heard it from. The thing is, Geoff... ''(Malcolm sits down in his chair)'' You're gonna waste everybody's time. 
:'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, Malcolm. I'm just trying to start a debate, you know, a policy debate, about the future direction of the party and of the government. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Because first, you've got no credentials. I mean, you're so back bench you've actually fucking fallen off. You're out by the fucking bins where I put you. 
:'''Geoff:''' Hello? Are you listening to me? I'm not standing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Secondly, I'm gonna tell the Mirror about all the drinking. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(laughing)'' I'm not drinking. 
:'''Malcolm:''' And thirdly, I'm gonna tell the Mail about the affair. And fourthly, you've got a tiny head. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(offended)'' No I haven't! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes you have. It's out of proportion, everybody mentions it. 
:'''Geoff:''' Look...
:'''Malcolm:''' See? You're shaking it, and I can hardly see it move. Are you shaking it now? Are you shaking it now? I can't tell. 
:'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, okay? My head is the right size, all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is very petite. So you're not standing...
:'''Geoff:''' No. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right? You will not stand against Tom. 
:'''Geoff:''' I've said. I've bloody said. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, thank you, Geoff. Let's go. Arriva-fucking-derci. ''(Geoff gets up from his chair, and he and Malcolm shake hands.)'' Let's have lunch sometime, yeah? We'll have a tete-a-tiny-tete. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(leaving the office)'' Jesus...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And now, Nick Hanway, a government press relations officer, is entering his way into Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(seeing Nick enter)'' Oh, Nice Nutter Nick! 
:'''Nick Hanway:''' What was all that about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(standing up again)'' Just, you know, putting out a fire. 
:'''Nick:''' Definitely out? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Definitely out. Pissed out. Steam and cinders, pal. Does Tom know you're here? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah, of course, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So how's the rebrand going? 
:'''Nick:''' Okay, we've, um, booked him for a photo op on Tuesday. He's taking the family to a Harvester. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, Jesus Christ, really? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(jokingly as a reporter)'' &quot;Have you been to a Harvester before, Prime Minister?&quot; ''(and now as Tom)'' &quot;No, in fact, I've never actually been outside the fucking house with my family before.&quot; 
:'''Nick:''' Anyway, um, look...do you know the name of the bod who's booked to go on ''Today'' in the morning? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sure, yeah. Do ''you'' know? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah, we just found out. So -- ''you'' know who it is? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, of course ''I'' know. I mean, there's nothing that you know that I don't know. I'm Dr. Fucking Know. 
:'''Nick:''' Who is it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this, are you...Are you testing me now? Is it, 'cause I mean, I could test you. I mean, we could have a big match or testostethon. I mean, how do I know that you've got the fucking name, anyway? 
:'''Nick:''' Because Hugo at ''Today'' told us. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. 
:''(A bit of a pause...)''
:'''Nick:''' So what name have you got? 
:'''(Another hide-and-seek pause...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Dan Miller. 
:'''Nick:''' Oh, okay, so you do know. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course I fucking do. 
:'''Nick:''' Look, um, Tom's announcing his team in the morning, and I've just got to stop Dan Miller announcing his team two hours before we announce ours, so...if you want to get on the bus, that's... 
:'''Malcolm:''' That is my mission? You, Mr. Nutty Bar, have given me a task? Jesus Christ, who the fuck does Tom think he is? 
:'''Nick:''' The next Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Malcolm. 
:''(And with that cool, steely-eyed shot, Nick gets ready to leave Malcolm's office...but Malcolm isn't done with Nick yet.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Nick. ''(beat)'' Tell the mighty fucking Tom that his transition will be as smooth as a Brazilian's fuckh--
:''(But just before Malcolm can finish his comeback retort to Nick, Jamie enters the office from out of nowhere and interrupts the party.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Malcolm and Nick)'' Oh! [[wikipedia:Trinny_and_Susannah|Trinny ''and''  Susannah]]! Well I'm sorry to burst into your little fucking boutique, but you've got a fight on your hands. That's all I'm saying. I'm backing a rival candidate, ''(to Malcolm)'' so fuck you, ''(to Nick)'' and fuck you and your Nutter coronation 'cause it ain't happening.
:'''Nick:''' So you're backing Dan Miller, are you?  
:'''Jamie:''' No, I'm not backing Dan Miller! Don't you fucking ever ask me a question again!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fatty?  
:'''Jamie:''' Oh aye, Fatty, yeah, wee Spider-Man pyjamas, fucking idiot. From now on, it's a proper fight: it's a pub fight, [[wikipedia:Motherwell|Motherwell]] rules, and Tom is gonna get a pint glass in his fucking eye, and a pool cue up his arse, and another pool cue in his other fucking eye!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Geoff Holhurst.  
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, what, Mr Baby New Potato Head? Fuck off.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Jamie is backing Cliff Lawton for leadership. And now, Jamie and Cliff are traveling in a car, discussing strategy.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' ''(confused)'' Sorry? 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' Um, I don't...I don't know what you mean. What? 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' Okay, no, I'm not a horse. 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you sure? 
:'''Cliff:''' I'm sure. 
:'''Jamie:''' You've got a pretty fucking horsey face -- and a bit of a horsey wife. Are you a fucking horse? Are you? 
:'''Cliff:''' Okay, leaving the wife aside...
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' No...
:'''Jamie:''' EXACTLY!
:'''Cliff:''' I can categorically say that I am not a horse.
:'''Jamie:''' Exactly, you are not a fucking horse. You are no horse, and you are not a [[wikipedia:Stalking horse|stalking horse]]. ''You'' are the real thing. 
:'''Cliff:''' ''(nodding in agreement)'' Oh, right. 
:'''Jamie:''' And we are going to ''ram'' you up Tom's are so hard that he has to shit out of his lying mouth. 
:'''Cliff:''' It's not a very nice image, really, is it? ''(beat)'' But it's very motivating. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' And then, Liam said that someone suggested that Tom should go on ''[[wikipedia:Strictly_Come_Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]''.  
:'''Ollie:''' He can barely even walk properly. He looks like he shat himself the whole time.  
:'''Glenn:''' He often has.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Robyn)'': You are going to ''bury'' this Watford arseache tonight, OK? 'Cause tomorrow morning, from broadsheets to wank rags, I want page one, two and three to be a profile of Tom looking like a fucking political colossus, you know: Tom meeting the Pope, Tom in an NHS hospital chatting to little, baldie kiddies. I want pages four and five to be a timeline of the last few years in British politics with ''me'' at the centre, looking fucking indispensable, and fucking benign. And I want page six to be fucking – ''Israel'' or some bullshit, not a fucking DOSAC, DIPSHIT, LEGACY-DISTRACTING COCK-UP!  
:'''Robyn:''' Right, um, Jamie. Look, I just have to say at this point that I do find him just a little bit frightening.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Relax, he has never hit anyone. Or at least, anyone he has hit has never had the balls to take it to a superior. ''(Robyn still looks terrified)'' It's a fucking joke. It's a joke, OK? The man is a professional, you will be fine.  
:'''Glenn:''' Actually, Malcolm? We still have no word on Dan Miller. I mean, he's gone dark, he's not answering his phone –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Maybe he's in a hotel with his own huddle. Ring around, try and find him.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, ring every hotel in London and ask if Dan Miller's booked in?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah! Although he could be using an assumed name.  
:'''Glenn:''' So you want me to ring round every hotel in London, and ask if anyone, of any name, has booked in?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well it will keep you busy, you know, you need to keep the mind active at your age.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' OK, the line is: [[wikipedia:Wildcat_strike_action|wildcat walkout]], we'll be talking to the unions, it's too early to comment. Off the record: er, union Neanderthals with brains the size of children's bogies couldn't take the heat of Hugh Abbot's ring-stinging, shit-hot, public sector reforms, but he's flying back like Harrison Ford with a big whip in one hand and a skinny latte in the other and he's gonna whip six shades of shit out of them and save the world, OK?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone to Jamie)'' There is a glacier of shit at DoSAC! I need you over here, with a fucking blowtorch, right now!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' Nobody gives a shit if you got shafted by Malcolm.
:'''Cliff:''' ''I'' will never, ever forgive him for what he did to me.
:'''Jamie:''' Jesus, this isn't ''[[w:EastEnders|EastEnders]]!'' This is politics! We're all in the same plague pit, Cliff, there's no clean hands!
:''(Jamie's cell phone rings)''
:'''Cliff:''' All right –
:'''Jamie:''' ''(answering the phone)'' Yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' Jamie! What's that sort of droning noise in the background, then?
:'''Cliff:''' Look, okay, here's a more positive approach, right, I'll try this. ''(reads from his speech)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a kind of boring, kind of low sort of droning, boring, kind of miserable whining, boring kind of, sort of boring noise going on?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah, well, you've got it wrong, yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' Cliff fucking Lawton. Hey, nice. Was the Cillit Bang guy not available?
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck you. ''(hangs up)''
:'''Cliff:''' ... To put it simply, I'm back!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh fuck off, Cliff.
:'''Cliff:''' Sorry?
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck off! You're a busted flush! You're not gonna be Prime Minister, you're not gonna be anything, so fuck off.
:'''Cliff:''' This is your thing, isn't it? Everything has to be an absolute, everything has to be black and white! You know: 'I love you, fuck off!' There are lots of shades of grey, you know!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know that, I'm looking at fifteen of them right now. See you later, no-mark.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You've got this bullshit Watford story covered, yeah?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' You and I will have a little discussion later.
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah. I think Watford will get bumped by the fact that we're about to hand the nuclear codes to a guy who, every now and then, loses it so bad he needs satnav to find his own nipples.
:'''Malcolm:''' What are you talking about?
:'''Jamie:''' Well, I just thought it was fair to let everyone know about the Tom rumours, you know. How the guy that's about to become Prime Minister chugs antidepressants like they're fucking [[wikipedia:Smint|Smints]]. How the Black Dog humps his leg and shits in his duvet every four months; I ''think'' that will bump the Watford walkout.
:'''Malcolm:''' You've gone fucking psycho son, fucking psycho! ''(leaves)'' TWAT!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his mobile)'' Hello.
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, what's the plan?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, they don't have a plan.
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, well perhaps you should give them one.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yes, fantastic, actually, Malc, because obviously I have a very suitable one tattooed on the underside of my scrotum, so why don't we use that –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you're using up all the minutes on my 'talk till you get head cancer' tariff!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Swain:''' What do you think?
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Hmm – To be honest, I was really hoping that was going to be shit, because I'm tired and I'd quite like to hit someone.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you in on this?
:'''Jamie:''' I'm not leaving it to you, eh? You couldn't organise a bum-rape in a barracks.
:'''Malcolm:''' Au contraire.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' What we're having here is a secret conversation, and I'm hoping that this time you can keep the fucking secret, because normally you're about as secure as a hymen in a South London [[wikipedia:Comprehensive_school|comprehensive]].
:'''Terri:''' Yep, well done: that's offensive on a number of levels in a very concise way.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Angela Heaney:''' They've ditched Ballentine.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What? Already?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What the fuck is wrong with these people? I mean, what is this, potential leader speed dating? Right, who ''is'' standing?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' I dunno.  
:'''Adam Kenyon''' ''(to another journalist working on a Ballentine story)'': Well, ditch that for a starter, get rid of her, I can't stand her fucking face.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' You know, I think you should eat something.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Oh right, yeah! Eat something, that'd be right, wouldn't it? You know what, our coverage so far has either been wrong or guesswork, which was wrong. So all we have now is a story-shaped hole!  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Seriously, your blood sugar's low.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Makes you very irritable.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' No, what makes me very irritable, Angela, is having ''no'' fucking stories and having to fill an entire newspaper with just fucking prepositions!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' And obviously if you do think about running with this pills story –
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' I will personally fucking eviscerate you, right?
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right.
:'''Malcolm:''' And I mean, I don't have your education, I don't know what that means, but I will start by ripping your cock off and I'll busk it from there, okay?
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Good, thank you, again.
:'''Malcolm:''' Talk to you later.
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Cheers. Bye bye now. ''(Hangs up. To Angela)'' He's a nice guy.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Terri and Robyn)'' Oh hey, Desperate Housewives, have you found out who's leaking yet?
:'''Glenn:''' I have. It's Julius! He's just told me –
:'''Jamie:''' Wait, no, what – That – Julius?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah.
:'''Jamie:''' ''Nicholson?'' That baldy PUSSY? Well, I tell you, if he thinks he's leaking now, wait to see him when I'm finished with him: he'll look like fucking [[wikipedia:The_Passion_of_the_Christ|Mel Gibson's Jesus]]! FUCK! FUCK, FUCK! FUCK!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Julius:''' Why don't I get something in? A man cannot live on Jaffa Cakes alone, obviously. I've tried.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben)'': I'm just gonna go make some nuisance calls, I'll see you in about half a – Stop fucking blinking! Or I will take your optic nerve and strangle you with it. OK. You look after him, Ollie, OK? He's a very important man. Cock like a caber.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What's the news, just –  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' What?  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Just tell me what the fucking news is and I'll put it on the front page. It's not like we're ''[[wikipedia:The_Independent|The Independent]]'', we can't just stick a headline saying 'Cruelty' and then stick a picture of a dolphin or a whale underneath it. I mean, that's just fucking cheating, that's rubbish.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, what I'm hearing is Ben Swain.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Ben Swain?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, I literally don't know who he is. I'm not being stupid or anything, but I physically don't know who Ben Swain is. He could be the leader of the Special Boat Squadron –   
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Service.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' The [[wikipedia:Special_Boat_Service|Special Boat Service]] or whatever it's fucking called, and this could be a massive coup.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Ben Swain is what I'm hearing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' The good news, however, is that the – well, the Tom wobble, it's over. 
:'''Ben Swain:''' And so the –
:'''Malcolm:''' That's great, isn't it?
:'''Ben Swain:''' Yeah! Why is – So what, he's not wobbling, he's – What does that mean?
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it means that all the rats are now returning to a ''very'' buoyant ship and they're playing deck tennis, so that's lovely, isn't it?
:'''Ben Swain:''' What does that mean for me, then?
:'''Malcolm:''' I guess that means that you're standing in the chamber of the House of Commons with your big flaccid dick hanging out with a 'vote for me' sticker on the end.
:'''Ben Swain:''' But you said I had a chance! About half an hour ago you said I was in with a shot!
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking gi– Look, half an hour ago you ''were'' in with a shot! This is half an hour hence! We've fucking time-travelled, yes? We're in a weird and wonderful world, where everything is different. Maybe outside, the polar ice caps have melted. Maybe there's fucking robots knocking about and [[wikipedia:Davina_McCall|Davina McCall]]'s the new Pope. Maybe, you can download ''rice!'' I want you right now to think about ''your'' future, okay? Think about what you are doing, get yourself back on the train to fucking Tomsville pronto, yeah? ''(walking out)'' Half an hour ago.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' What's that, cricket? That's the English equivalent of sport, isn't it? No actual physical contact, just glaring.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' Nicholson! NICHOLSON! The immigration shit. It was you, wasn't it? You mimsy bastard Quisling leak ''fuck!''
:'''Julius:''' Sorry, what are you talking about?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah yeah yeah, you will be sorry, you inflatable cock. You fucking sold us out, didn't you? DENY IT!
:'''Julius:''' Well, James, I can't deny something until I have the actual charge presented to me –
:'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Julius)'' 'Oh oh oh, the actual charge.' ''(normal voice)'' You mean apart from the charge you're gonna get when I clamp jump leads to your baldy bollocks? Okay, okay, okay! You, Julius Nicholson, being of sound mind, but with a body that looks like a giant sex toy, did knowingly do us up the shithole, by passing confidential information to the enemy! And I am gonna have your guts as a skipping rope, and your lungs sun-dried and turned into a little fucking waistcoat!
:'''Julius:''' James, technically it was not a leak, because firstly it's not confidential infor–
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. Eat that fucking prawn.
:'''Julius:''' I'm not eating prawns, Malcolm, I'm on – I'm just telling you –
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. ''(throws a slice of pizza at Julius)'' Eat a bit of fucking pizza.
:'''Julius:''' Don't be stupid. Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat another prawn. ''(throws a prawn)''
:'''Julius:''' Stop it!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws more food)'' Have some fucking chow mein!
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm –
:'''Jamie:''' Here, stuff it in his fucking head! Stuff it in his big baby head!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie, who has just returned with some cheese)'' Get that fucking cheese over there!
:'''Jamie:''' EAT THE CHEESE!
:'''Julius:''' I don't want the cheese, stop it!
:'''Glenn:''' Go on, have some!
:'''Jamie:''' ''(throwing food at Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE! EAT THE FUC–  
:'''Julius:''' ''(being pelted by Malcolm and Ollie)'' This isn't funny, this is an expensive suit! James, just –   
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck!
:'''Julius:''' What the ''fuck'' are you doing, mate? ''(runs out of the door)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey, right!
:'''Jamie:''' EAT THE FUCKING CHEESE! ''(chasing after Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE, NICHOLSON!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Fucking ''hell!'' Fuck! Jesus. I'm not a joke, okay? All right? Hello? I am a man! I am a man, you know? You know?! This... THIS...! THIS IS MY LIFE! I'M A HUMAN BEING, AND ALL THIS IS MY LIFE! And it's collapsing in front of me! You know, Tom's lot, they're never gonna want me, are they? And fucking Hugh, now he – Jesus Christ, this is all...! ''I AM A MAN!'' And –
:'''Terri:''' I know, listen –
:'''Glenn:''' No you don't –
:'''Terri:''' I do! 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm irrelevant! No no, go away, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant.
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, Glenn, Glenn –
:'''Glenn:''' FUCKING HUGH JUST WANTS TO SPEAK TO [[wikipedia:Teletubbies#Characters|TINKY WINKY]]?! WELL, ''FUCK'' TINKY WINKY! FUCK YOU, TINKY WINKY! [[Auf Wiedersehen, Pet|Auf Wiedersehen Pet]], the party's over, [[wikipedia:Goodbye_Yellow_Brick_Road|Goodbye Yellow Brick Road]]! WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HITLER?! WELL, HE HAD A MOUSTACHE AND HE LIVED OVER THERE! FUCK US ALL!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(receives an alert on his phone)'': Oh, I've been summoned to the breakfast meeting, to talk to Tom about this morning: some details about Claire Ballentine, maybe; Geoff Holhurst; young Benjamin here.
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Fuck you very much, you unscrupulous bastard.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Scruples? Scruples, what are they? Is that those low-fat [[wikipedia:Kettle_Foods|Kettle Chips]]? OK people, wake up and smell the cock! Hey Ben, next time that you wanna stab Caesar, make sure you're not holding a fucking plastic spoon.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The Mail are revealing that Ben Swain was racist to a cleaner)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I've been leaking for 27 years, I know how it's done, I leaked it!  
:'''Ollie:''' You don't leak! Well not from the mouth, anyway.  
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking shut up. At least this is Hugh's Glenn. All that you are, mate, is fucking ''Ben's'' Glenn.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''Guardian Online'', right?  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes.  
:'''Ollie:''' I notice they got Tom to do the questionnaire.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, trying to make himself look more like a human being and less like a calculator with Aspergers? What does he say?  
:'''Ollie:''' 'When were you happiest?' 'At the birth of my son.'  
:'''Glenn:''' Bollocks, he wasn't even at the birth of his son. Actually no, he was in an all-night sitting of the Communications Bill, fast asleep. And his sister-in-law woke him with a text.  
:'''Ollie:''' 'What was the last CD you bought?' 'The Scissor Sisters'. ''(Glenn laughs.)'' And do we believe him? 'Which living person do you most admire?'  
:'''Glenn:''' Er, well that's tough. Nelson Mandela?  
:'''Ollie:''' Correct! I think you just press F5 for that one, to be absolutely honest with you. 'How do you relax?' 'Cannabis and wanking'?  
:'''Glenn:''' He hasn't.  
:'''Ollie:''' No of course he hasn't, you idiot, 'Listening to opera'.  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, right.  
:'''Ollie:''' While wanking.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Why tonight of all ''fucking nights'', why tonight?  
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' Oh well, that's easy: Tucker's Law. 'If some cunt ''can'' fuck something up, that cunt will pick the worst possible time to fucking fuck up because that cunt's a cunt.' I've got that embroidered on a tea towel at home.

=== Opposition Extra ===
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Peter, hi, it's Emma. Now listen, Stewart says this really ''is'' the strategy.
:'''Peter Mannion:''' We're supposed to be the opposition, for Christ's sake. In the old days, we wouldn't have been weeping over his grave, we'd have been pissing on it.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' If we start point-scoring now, we're just going to look like opportunist weasels.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Well, weasily done.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Sorry?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' It's weasily done.  
:'''Phil Smith:''' It's a joke.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' That was a joke?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Tell Stewart I'm not doing it. Tell him bollocks to it, tell him to fuck off.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Tell Stewart to f– Now, Peter, that's not really a very good idea, is it? He's not going to like it if you tell him to fuck off, is he?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Not actually. Yeah, not actually fuck off, just make an excuse, pretty it up, but when you do tell him, make sure that he knows, reading between the lines, that I told you to tell him to fuck off, but you're prettying it up.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Peter Mannion:''' I was supposed to be making an announcement this morning on the failures in the immigration system, making a big speech!  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah, Peter, we were there; you know, I mean, you were giving your recipe for spag bol, and then [[wikipedia:Gordon_Ramsay|Gordon Ramsay]] walks in and takes us all out for peacock and chips.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma Messinger''' ''(arriving at Peter's house)'': Peter! Peter? Hi, it's Emma. ''(whispers)'' Oh sorry, you're on the phone, sorry.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Oh hi, Emma! I thought it was Kate Winslet, she generally pops round about now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart Pearson''' ''(on the phone)'': Peter, we need you to go on [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|News 24]], like Phil asked, and to say nice things about the PM.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' If I'm praising the PM, can I at least have a go at Tom and the Nutters? Can I at least subtly suggest they're waving in a man who pulls himself off by reading European tax law amendments?  
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' No way! No way, we do not slag off Tom, we want Tom in. Tom is our big fat, socially dysfunctional, swing-voter repellent, golden weirdo ticket.
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Surely you can understand how this will work in our favour, Peter? I mean, they're going to elect a man who can count his friends on the fingers of, like, of my father's right hand!  
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' Dan Miller is thinking of standing, that's what I'm hearing. Yeah, oh sorry, just a minute, just a min– ''(to a colleague outside his office)'' Mark! Mark! When I say I want you to cc JB on everything to do with these interviews, I do mean everything, not just the things that ''you'' think are important. I'm an extraordinarily precise man, Mark, that's why my wife left me. ''(back on the phone)'' JB doesn't want Dan Miller, he's too young and he's too witty, whereas Tom looks 92 and he's about as funny as [[wikipedia:Norman_Wisdom|Norman Wisdom]]. We slag Tom off once he's elected, but not now, hm?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(watching TV in their flat)''  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Phil, switch over, we haven't looked at News 24 for a bit.  
:'''Phil Smith:''' No, it would just be the Ten Glorious Years package in permanent orbit. Is it just me, or does [[wikipedia:Noel_Gallagher|Noel Gallagher]] getting older look like one of those Evolution of Man wall charts in reverse?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ollie''' ''(answers his mobile)'': Morning.  
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, have you seen the ''Mail''?  
:'''Ollie:''' Erm, no I haven't, I'm under 40 and I have a penis, why?  
:'''Emma:''' They've got a big graphic on the night's winners and losers. Yeah, it's not a great picture of you.  
:'''Ollie:''' What? Me – What, I'm in it?  
:'''Emma:''' You look very very pasty and about nine, so –  
:'''Ollie:''' Am I a winner or a loser?  
:'''Emma:''' You are a loser!  
:'''Ollie:''' I'm a loser? For fuck's sake – ''(Emma is listening to the radio)'' God, is that Ben on ''[[wikipedia:Today_(BBC_Radio_4)|Today]]'' in the background? You can even hear him blinking on the radio. This is absolute bollocks, I'm not supposed to be in the paper, Em, I'm just, you know – It's not me who's supposed to be in the paper, is it? It's fucking ridiculous.
:'''Emma:''' Oh come on, it's only the ''Mail'', don't worry about it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, I know it's the ''Daily Mail'', but you know – my mum gets the ''Mail''.

== Series 3, Episode 1 ==
:''(It's Cabinet Reshuffle Day in the British Government, and Malcolm Tucker has got his finger on the trigger.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ed! Get Tom Rudd in. Now. We're offering him Northern Ireland, the lucky sod. 
:'''Ed:''' I think he's expecting to be offered Transport. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, tell him he's taking the bus to George Best airport, right? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' He’s making Paul Remington a Cabinet Minister. Remtard Remington. I mean the guy is an epic fuck-up. He’s so dense that light bends around him. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': Come on people, let’s get going here! I’ve got a to-do list that’s longer than a fucking [[w:Leonard Cohen|Leonard Cohen]] song! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Ollie Reeder and Terri Coverley are discussing the Cabinet reshuffle at DoSAC.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his computer)'' Remtard at Energy and Climate Change. 
:'''Terri:''' Really? I'm not getting that. ''(Terri looks at her computer.)'' It's not on here. How did you get that about Remington? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(slightly annoyed)'' Refresh the page. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah. Ah, yeah. Oh look, Fatty's staying put! They're not moving Fatty! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, that's 'cause they haven’t got five big blokes and a winch.
:'''Terri:''' They couldn't really demote Fatty, 'cause he knows too much. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well he doesn't know where the [[w:Ryvita|Ryvita]] is kept, does he?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is on the phone once more, talking to a colleague about how busy he is.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got this -- this-this reshuffle going on, the Leamington Spa by-election coming up, I've got more on my plate than a spinster at a wedding. That wasn't a reference to your daughter by the way, Andrew. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Hugh Abbot has lost his place in the reshuffle.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Well. That's Hugh gone, then. 
:'''Terri:''' It's so sad, isn't it? Hugh. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' You don't give a ''shit''! 
:''(beat)''
:'''Terri:''' ...No, well, perhaps I don't. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Ollie:''' Northern Ireland office, Tom Rudd. Who's Tom Rudd? Tom Rudd? 
:'''Terri:''' Isn't he in ''Harry Potter''? 
:'''Glenn:''' Tom Rudd is army slang for standing-up buggery. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(calling out to Doug Hayes)'' Doug! Doug! Dougie! Look at you, cock like [[wikipedia:Pink_Panther_(character)|the Pink Panther's]] tail. Come have a Kit Kat. 
:'''Doug Hayes:''' I'm afraid I turned it down, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know ninety percent of household dust is made of dead human skin? That's what you are. To me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is back on the phone with Andrew -- AND, of course, Malcolm accidentally insults Andrew's daughter.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Doug Hayes is a massive abortion. Again, not a reference to your daughter. We need somebody to plug this DoSAC hole. Anybody. A fucking mammal with a head. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' Have you two finished emptying your desks yet? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(agitated)'' Yes, don't worry, Terri, we're all ready to go. 
:'''Terri:''' I'm just trying to get everything organised for whenever whoever arrives. They are gonna have their own people. It's gonna be very embarrassing if your hand cream's still in the drawer. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''Hand cream?'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, whatever men have. I don't know, electric nose-hair trimmers, Ex-Lax...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(mocking Glenn)'' Aww, look at Glenn. Your face...On the scrapheap at the tender age of 76? It's no life for you, is it, Glenn, this? Hey, do you want me to call Dignitas? ''(beat)'' I could call Indignitas. They could come round and shove you out of the window dressed as a clown. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone again)'' Get me, um, Nicola Murray. Yeah. If she says &quot;no&quot;, well, I don't know, the only other candidate is my left bollock with a fucking smiley face drawn on it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Terri announces and introduces the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce the new Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship, Nicola Murray. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Nicola Murray is the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. As she heads into her new office, she gets a cell phone call from her husband, James.)'' 
:'''Nicola Murray:''' ''(on the phone to her husband.)'' Um...Yes, I know. They just -- they frog-marched me into it. ''(beat)'' I didn't know. I had no idea. ''(beat)'' James, be fair! I did -- I-I left seven fucking messages for you. Your secretary or whoever is useless. I don't think the school thing's gonna be a problem. It's not gonna be a problem 'cause they'll have vetted me at Number 10. And obviously nobody has soiled themselves or shot me. Great, well, I'll take your warm congratulations as implied. ''(Nicola hangs up her phone.)'' Fucking arsehole. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Terri checks to see if Nicola's alright.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' You all right? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yes, it's all a bit crazy. No, it just feels like my head's made entirely of smoke alarms. ''(laughing)'' At the moment, it's all a bit ''OOH...'' ''(Nicola mimes an explosion.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well, it was a bit of a shock for us all, you know. 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm sure. 
:'''Terri:''' In a good way, in a good way. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good. 
:'''Terri:''' Well, like twins or a tax rebate. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Nicola calls both Glenn and Ollie into her office to discuss her policy as the new head of DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' My primary focus is social mobility, that's very much my -- my Big Thing. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. 
:'''Nicola:''' And I suppose I'm telling you that, really, partly to get your take on it and also so that you can, you know, start spreading the news and printing the posters and, uh, you know, fire up the turbo chargers, set the phases to equality: It's Murray time!  
:'''Glenn:''' The thing is – and Ollie, please correct me here if I'm wrong.  
:'''Ollie:''' I will certainly do that.  
:'''Glenn:''' Social mobility, making people richer, costs money.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, and we don't have any of that, really.  
:'''Nicola:''' Right.  
:'''Ollie:''' I mean, if you speak to Nick at the Treasury he will tell you the same, only with his annoying lisp.  
:'''Nicola:''' What you're telling me is that basically I'm gonna be a woman with a computer and some pens. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, it's just a pen budget.  
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, I have about as much ''real'' power as [[wikipedia:The_Apprentice_(UK_TV_series)#The_Board|those twats who sit either side]] of [[Alan Sugar]].  
:'''Ollie:''' Well – Yes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Ollie are in Nicola's office, trying to give her tips on how to deal with Malcolm. But before they can do so...Malcolm walks in.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the office)'' Is this the No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency? 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm Tucker! The real deal. Hello. 
:''(Malcolm and Nicola shake hands.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola, smiling)'' The real deal. Good to see you. You're looking great! ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' All right, Hinge and Bracket, time to go and hang up your lady-cocks. 
:''(Glenn and Ollie leave, and Malcolm continues his conversation with Nicola.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola Murray! Here you are, Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yep, I now have one of the longest job titles in Western politics. Thank God I don't have to wear a lapel badge. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a pity that we couldn't just make an abbreviation of it, you know, like PFI. Which I think stands for Pretty Fucking Imbarrassing. If you're a bit sloppy about the details, which clearly your fucking husband is. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, look, James works for Albany, fine. He wasn't even working there when the contract was awarded. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(smiling)'' Don't worry, don't worry. That was just me, that was...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(getting the joke)'' Okay, right. Fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(serious again)'' I mean, that's the sort of thing the press will throw at you. I mean, you step out of line, they'll be all over you like a pigeon on a chip, you know? Is that your chair?
:'''Nicola:''' Oh God, yeah. It's cool, isn't it? It's got, um, lumbar support.
:'''Malcolm:''' Bin it. People don't like their politicians to be comfortable. They don't like you having expenses. They don't like you being paid. They'd rather you lived in a fucking cave.
:'''Nicola:''' Ok, fine. So, uh, what should I be sitting on? Should I just get an upturned KFC bucket?
:'''Malcolm:''' A fucking normal chair, right? Not a fucking massive vibrating throne.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri are watching Malcolm's conversation with Nicola outside the office...wondering if Nicola will keep any of them on.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm must be hating this. All these bright, fresh, new ministers to blood in ''and'' to plan a by-election. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' If it's any consolation to you, a little bit of you will always be in this department, because she's nabbed your chair. Hasn't she? She's got your chair, and, in fact, your dandruff. 
:'''Glenn:''' Ha ha ha. If I go, that chair is coming with me. 
:'''Ollie:''' You know those old men you see who go to the park to read the paper? That'll be you. You could go in your chair. They'd make you King of All the Tramps. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, in Nicola's office...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So, uh, you got three kids, yeah? 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, I've got four. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Four! 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Katie's 16, she's the eldest. She's just left school. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Not going to a college or university? 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, she's a bit of a rebel. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(concerned)'' What sort of a rebel? I mean, so, I mean, look, what are we talking here? Are we talking a pierced navel or holidays at Pakistani training camp? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's-it's chiefly heroin. ''(beat)'' Although she has cut down since getting pregnant by that Nigerian people-smuggler, because the track marks would have affected her porn career. 
:''(Terri has awkwardly entered the office. She politely apologizes for the interruption, but feels...a little awkward about the conversation taking place.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry to disturb. Um... ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Morning, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Just wanted to give you a few things here. That's change from the fruit salad. This is this morning's paper. Do excuse me. 
:''(Terri politely leaves the office...and Nicola resumes her chat with Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, I'm surprised that you, uh, haven't vetted me, I thought you'd know about the kids. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's just that 'cause you were just a sort of, you were a bit of a late-ish kind of appointment. 
:'''Nicola:''' Mmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' That didn't quite give me the time to, you know, to &quot;fuck the I'd and fist the T's,&quot; as Robert Robertson might say. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;   
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sounds to me like that she's only bringing in, um, one other person, so...you know, I wonder whether she might keep one of us on permanently. 
:'''Terri:''' Thank God I'm safe. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Je- We ''know'' you're safe, Terri! How do we know you're safe? We know your safe, because you keep using the word &quot;safe,&quot; like bloody [[wikipedia:Jim_Bowen|Jim Bowen]]! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(imitating Jim Bowen presenting [[wikipedia:Bullseye_(British_game_show)|Bullseye)]]'' Yeah, you've got DoSAC, that's safe. Do you want to go for the treasury, young lady? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Nicola are now discussing her kids...including Nicola's 11-year-old daughter, who is starting secondary school in September.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay. Mrs. Walton. What about these other kids? What-what ages are they? 
:'''Nicola:''' They're 11, 9 and 5. 
:'''Malcolm:''' 11?
:'''Nicola:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So that's, uh, secondary school? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, she's, uh, still at primary, state primary. Lovely little school with, um, terrible SATS results, but, you know, really good kind of broad demographic and steel band. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So, she will be going to a secondary school, what, in September? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. So, um...I-I can see where this is going. Um, it's not an issue. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Great! If it's not an issue, I'll just fucking toddle off, then. I'll go and have a nice relaxing wee sleep under my duvet. Probably won't even have to tug myself off, 'cause I'm so fucking relaxed about that. 'Cause I know that there is no fucking issue here. Right? 
:'''Nicola:''' She's not going to the comprehensive, Malcolm. She's going to a local independent school.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus H fucking ''Corbett.'' Do you honestly think, do you honestly believe that as a minister you can get away with that? You are saying that, uh, that, that all your local state schools, ''all'' the schools that this government has drastically improved are knife-addled rape sheds, and that's not a big story? For fuck's sake. Sort it or abort it!  
:'''Nicola:''' Let's get this clear: My family is off limits, all right? This job is not gonna get anywhere near my husband and my kids, it just doesn't.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it fucking does. As per the wee barcode and the serial number under your right armpit, you are now built and owned by the state, and you are under the spotlight 24 hours a day, darling! ''(beat)'' Do you know what you are? You're a fucking human dartboard, and [[wikipedia:Eric_Bristow|Eric fucking Bristow]]'s on the [[wikipedia:Oche|oche]] flinging a million darts made of human shit right at you. Can you take that? Can you?
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, look. You, the &quot;All-Swearing Eye.&quot; You didn't even know how many kids I had! You had to ask me! So who on Earth in the press is gonna even know or care? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you remember ''[[wikipedia:The Big Breakfast|The Big Breakfast]]''? Remember that programme? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(exasperated)'' Yes! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You remember how [[wikipedia:Chris Evans (presenter)|Chris Evans]] started that? Do you remember it was a big success? And then they had that guy, [[wikipedia:Johnny Vaughan|Johnny Vaughan]], remember him?
:'''Nicola:''' Uh-huh. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Everybody loved him. Fuck knows why, but they loved him. Do you know what this is here? This here is fucking Series 10 of ''The Big Breakfast.'' And do you know what you are? You're the fucking dinner lady that they have asked to come and present the show. The reason I didn't know about you and your children is 'cause you were so low down on the list of candidates for this job, I didn't even have the chance to look into you. ''(beat)'' So low. ''(beat)'' Wayyyyy way way way way way way way wayyy...low. 
:''(A brief pause...and then Malcolm starts up again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You are now being scrutinised for what you wear, what you say. For your hair, your shoes, your fucking earrings, your fucking cleavage ''and'' your dress, which, by the way, is ''way'' too loud! 
:'''Nicola:''' TOO LOUD?! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm getting fucking tinnitus here! Look. ''(beat)'' Your crooked husband, I can make go away. But your crooked husband combined with you being worried about your underage daughter coming home up the duff from some truanting bastard, I cannot. She goes to the comp, okay? 
:''(Malcolm finally leaves Nicola's office, allowing Nicola to recover from the Terrible Tucker Tornado.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(relieved)'' Oooh, God...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(At Number 10, Malcolm sees Ed walking down the hall, all stressed out.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, what's wrong with you? You look like you've shat a Lego garage or something. 
:'''Ed:''' Jim Lane's daughter is standing as an independent in Leamington Spa. 
:''(Malcolm and Ed start walking...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(silently, to himself)'' For fuck's sake...fuck. ''(to Ed)'' This is gonna split our vote. 
:'''Ed:''' Do you think we're in trouble? Maybe we should have chosen her over Liam Bentley. 
:'''Malcolm:''' No. She thinks just because her dead fat-arse dad was the MP that gives her the right to be our candidate? No no no. This isn't Czarist Russia. It's not the fucking Dimblebys. 
:'''Ed:''' What do we do? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We send everyone up there, to support Liam Bentley, including the Prime Minister.  
:'''Ed:''' You want to send Tom up there?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, fuck it, he'll be all right as long as he doesn't do the smile. You hit the phones, right? I'll be with you in two shakes of a crying baby.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You have been asked by the PM, specifically, to pop along to Leamington, and do some photo ops with Liam Bentley, supporting him, yeah? 
:'''Nicola:''' I don't really have any choice, do I?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you have a choice. You can decide exactly how you say yes. You can do it with a voice. Have fun with it.  
:'''Nicola:''' ''(Pause)'' Yes. ''(Beat)'' In my own voice.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Well you know what, Howard, she's not bent, either in the sense of being corrupt or being gay. And by the way, that's an incredibly homophobic headline, you massive poof. ''(enters Nicola's office)'' You've got egg on your face, Howard, you over-easy pissbag. ''(hangs up. To Terri, Ollie and Glenn)'' Oh hey, [[Yoko Ono]] and the two remaining Beatles, piss off.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola suspects that Malcolm set up the 'I am bent' photos)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. Sorry, can we just carry on talking about that thing? Was it you who positioned me there?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(waiting for a lift)'' Do you know what the first sign of madness is? Paranoia. Have you seen that film, you know, ''[[A Beautiful Mind (film)|A Beautiful Mind]]'', the one with that, er, [[Russell Crowe]]? The one where [[wikipedia:John_Forbes_Nash_Jr.|the maths guy]] thinks that the CIA are working away in his shed at the bottom of his garden? That's you.  
:'''Nicola:''' No. I'm not the mad one here. ''You'' are the mad one, you're Russell Crowe.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, ''you'' are Russell Crowe. ''(waves patronisingly at her)'' And you need to fucking listen to me, Russell, you fucking Antipodean fucking kangaroo-loving fruitcake! See this poster stuff? That's fucking small fry. That's fucking whitebait, Russ me old [[wiktionary:cobber#English|cobber]]. ''(enters the lift)'' The really horrible stuff, that's all still about to happen to you, right? Right, you're coming in here so we can carry this on?  
:'''Nicola:''' What, now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Err, if you can spare the time!  
:'''Nicola:''' Err, no. ''(Pause)'' No, I can't – I don't use lifts, I'm claustrophobic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(incredulous)'' You're ''what?''  
:'''Nicola:''' Not hugely, I can be in rooms, you've seen that, I just don't do lifts, that's all.  
:'''Malcolm:''' But this lift is – I mean, it's fucking huge! I mean, this is bigger than some rooms, this is bigger than some people's flats! 
:'''Nicola:''' It's about not being able to get out. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well that's great. That's fucking great, that's another fucking thing, right there: not only have you got a fucking bent husband and a fucking daughter that gets taken to school in a fucking sedan chair, you're also fucking ''mental!'' Jesus Christ, see you, you are a fucking ''[[w:omnishambles|omnishambles]]'', that's what you are. You're like that coffee machine, you know: &quot;from bean to cup, you fuck up&quot;.
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to herself, returning to her office)'' He so is Russell Crowe!  
:'''Terri:''' ''(at her desk, overhearing)'' Who?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where the fuck is Doug Hayes?  
:'''Ed:''' Yes, we put in a lot of calls.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, put it a lot more calls: I'm talking 'psycho ex-girlfriend with a really good tariff'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' Because if you are worried about Malcolm, well, you know, Ollie and I have amassed one or two tips, how to deal with him, over the years. It's pretty much common sense, really: don't drive a gas guzzler, don't sign up for [[wikipedia:Bupa|Bupa]], don't have an affair. Don't tell racist jokes, however ironic.  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh!  
:'''Glenn:''' Don't send your children to independent schools.  
:'''Ollie:''' Don't dig up [[Diana, Princess of Wales|Diana]] and have [[Patrick Moore]] play Nazi drinking songs on her ribs.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah I suppose so, he's gonna have to let her go free-range for a week, isn't he? Till after the by-election. Then he can snap her beak off, cram her into the battery cage; Nicola: 'I'm not really good with cages', ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'Get in there Nicola, fucking get in till you're perfectly square, and you're shiteing cuboid eggs!'  
:'''Terri:''' ''(sighing)'' Thank God I'm safe. I'm glued to this department and you'd have to steam me off.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Well you don't have to worry about me: You don't hang around in this business as long as I have without picking up contacts.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but [[Benjamin Disraeli|Disraeli]]'s dead, Glenn, he died in the Crimea, did you not hear the town crier announce it?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' It's never too soon to go to Leamington. It's the Venice of the Midlands, if Venice was fucking horrible.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Have a lovely time in Leamington, yeah? I hear it's got the best [[wikipedia:Lidl|Lidl]] in the West Midlands.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' ''(at the poster launch in Leamington)'' And we need to be investing, er, at least –  
:'''Glenn:''' Invest? Did I hear her say 'invest'?  
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Ollie, she's gone off-piste, she's off the mountain now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus. She's so far off the mountain, she's being finger-banged in a chalet by Bigfoot.

== Series 3, Episode 2 ==
:''(Malcolm and Nicola are talking about a newspaper story calling for Nicola to be &quot;sacked.&quot;)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' You've seen the sack race thing, I suppose. Yeah, there it is. 
:''(Malcolm, of course, thinks the story is funny.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' It's not funny! It's not even accurate, because technically I was fourth. So, really, they should have said, &quot;Fourth in the Sack race.&quot; I think we should complain to the PCC. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, stop worrying: the PM is not going to sack you after a week. Sacked after twelve months, looks like you've fucked up; sacked after a week, looks like ''he's'' fucked up. 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not doing ''terribly'', am I? 
:''(beat)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(looking out of the car window)'' I love the way that they've sandblasted everything around here. It's so ''clean''!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I'd just like people to get to know the real me. You know, I feel like I'm coming across as a bit...Oh, I don't know. Glum. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Smug. 
:'''Nicola:''' Smug? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, you're coming across as more smug than glum. 
:'''Nicola:''' 'Cause I am actually quite a fun person, underneath all of this. I've got loads of friends.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm sure you have, but the trouble is when you say something like that, it sounds a wee bit smug. ''(to Nicola's driver)'' Can you just pull in over here? And you can take out that cyclist as you go in, I think he's [[wikipedia:Shadow_Cabinet|Shadow Cabinet]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' I have here the minutes which are a record and – 
:'''Ollie:''' No no no, you can't just overwrite minutes! You specifically can't do it, 'cause you can't unlock a PDF file.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robyn:''' Do you know, Malcolm? ''(Malcolm stares back, gravely)'' Er, the best way to clear a paper jam? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't know. Kill a kid an hour until it sorts itself out?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola is trying to talk to Malcolm...)''
:'''Nicola:''' So. Malcolm --
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, oh, oh. Incoming body parts. Excuse me. (Malcolm answers his cell phone) Look, if this has got any bigger, you're gonna feel the thump of a fucking harpoon in your thorax. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Does he know? Well, follow him. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (still on his phone) I hope you like shitting toenails, because that's what you're gonna be doing all of next week. And don't worry, I've painted them yellow so they'll look like fucking sweet corn. 
:''(Robyn is trying to secretly follow Malcolm, but backs away when she sees him coming her way)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (on his phone) The guy's a fucking liability! (softly) Jesus Christ. Listen, I want...
:''(Robin makes her way back towards the others, and they have to whisper so Malcolm doesn't hear them talking.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' Look, I couldn't hear everything, he takes very long strides...
:'''Ollie:''' What, are you a fucking penguin? Just run. 
:'''Robyn:''' Look, I'm a civil servant, not a fucking Olympic athlete! 
:''(Malcolm seems to be off his cell phone...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. What's occurring, Hermann Goring? 
:''(But then his cell phone rings. Again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (annoyed) ''WHAT?'' (And then...Malcolm doesn't like what he hears...) You're fucking kidding me. Excuse me. ''(to Nicola and the team)'' Two minutes and I will be back. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(On Nicola's orders, Robyn starts following Malcolm again. She's soon approached by Glenn.)
:'''Glenn:''' Hi, Robyn! Hey, look. Um...You know Phil Davis? Is he a Davies or a Davis? 
:'''Robyn:''' I know you don't like me, Glenn, but you're not sacking me. 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:''(Both Glenn and Robyn are smiling and laughing at each other falsely throughout their conversation...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' (still laughing) I'm protecting you. 
:'''Robyn:''' Okay, well, you know, I've got your back as well. Even though I know you are the guy who authorized the wiping of the back-up. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that may or may not be true. 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, it is true. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, it may or it may not be true. 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, that is true.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(After spending a long time on his cell phone, Malcolm finally makes his way back to Nicola's office to see her and the staff. This time, he's making his entrance by jokingly pretending to be the Big Bad Wolf.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (in a gruff voice) ''Little pigs...Little PIGS...Let me come in. Don't worry about the hair on your chinny-chin-chin.'' (Malcolm's still smiling.) 
:'''Nicola:''' So what was your call? 
:'''Malcolm:''' What was my call? 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You want to know what my call was?  
:'''Nicola:''' Was it important? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry, I didn't realize that I had to run my calls through your bed-wetters' switchboard here. I usually just dial 1-1-Hate. 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm, do you know? 
:'''Ollie:''' Obviously, he knows. 
:'''Glenn:''' No, he ''doesn't'' know. 
:''(Nicola decides to come clean to Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' There has been a massive irretrievable data loss. The last seven months' worth of new immigrant details have gone, apparently lost in the computer. 
:''(Malcolm can't help but smile and chuckle with disbelief...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know what, you know what's really fucking sad here is that I don't even have the energy to pretend I already knew. Which is for the best, because I'm gonna need all of my fucking energy to fucking rip all of your bodies to bits with my bare hands and sell off, ''(sees Nicola gesture to herself)'' yeah, sell off your fucking flayed skin, as a ''sleeping bag! To a fucking normal person!''  
:'''Nicola:''' Can I just say that getting angry actually isn't gonna help anything. I've done anger, I'm currently at grief, I'm working my way towards, er, bargaining, whatever, you know – you're behind me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' So what is your great strategy for dealing with this? Come on: I mean, I'm fucking all ears, I'm fucking [[Andrew Marr]] here!  
:'''Nicola:''' So let's – Terri, let's hear what you –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's go, let's get going, high-level tactical discussion, I'm up for it!  
:'''Terri:''' Right, er, blaming the department minister might be a high-risk strategy.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, high-risk: saucy! Power serve!  
:'''Nicola:''' My pitch would be: this department is fatally flawed, it's out of condition, it's obese, it's asthmatic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That's it girl, back over the net.  
:'''Glenn:''' You need to be really sure about that, Nicola.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, wise words from the distinguished elderly gay fucking tennis coach here.  
:'''Ollie:''' Seriously, I think we should talk about my strategy further because I really think that that's the way.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(interrupting)'': Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the fucking wee ball boy's having a go now with his wee fucking tight shorts on! ''(to Robyn, who has returned with a tray of drinks)'' What about [[wikipedia:Sue_Barker|Sue Barker]]'s little sister here? What's she got to say? You got something to say, to add to the conversation?  
:'''Robyn:''' No, er, just that there was no lemon zinger so, um, ''(to Nicola)'' this is coffee, is that all right?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Do ''The Guardian'' know about this?  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh fuck, I don't – Fucking ''Guardian'', I don't know.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, as it's referred to in my department.  
:'''Terri:''' Should I find out? Get some feelers?  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(looking at Terri's breasts)'': Yeah go on, get your feelers out for the lads.
:'''Nicola:''' What do you think, Malcolm? Shitting on the department, will that work? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, let's cause a little bit of friction. Let's fire someone. What about Glenn? 
:'''Ollie:''' No, you can't just fire Glenn like that! 
:'''Nicola:''' We could fire Glenn. 
:'''Terri:''' Shall I get his file? 
:'''Glenn:''' No! I've got a list! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' See, there you are, he's got a list. 
:''(They're all leaving Nicola's office)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You're a new broom, you're sweeping up trouble with one end, broom-handling incompetent staff up the tunnel with the other. 
:'''Nicola:''' So, Malcolm, how do we play it at ''The Guardian?'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (smiling uncomfortably) Smile! Be gay! Smile, smile, smile! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at Nicola's'' Guardian ''lunch)'': Afternoon, ladies! I heard there were sandwiches and I'm a fucker for cress – No no no, please don't get up, I'm not [[wikipedia:Sildenafil|Viagra]]. Geoffrey. ''(shakes hands)'' 
:'''Geoffrey:''' Always a pleasure.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Good to see you. John, how are you doing? ''(John gets up to shake hands)'' I just want to tell you, I really enjoyed your novel.  
:'''John:''' Oh, thank you very much!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Way of writing a fucking awful story. Joking, joking!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola has accidentally revealed the data loss to an on-the-record journalist.)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' FUCK'S SAKE! Jesus – Christ! Well, now we've got another fucking adjective to add to fucking 'smug' and 'glum', haven't we?! Fucking 'RETARDED'! JESUS Ch– Do you not think it would be germane to ''check'' who you're talking to?! IT'S A FUCKING NEWSPAPER OFFICE! IT'S NOT A FUCKING SANATORIUM FOR THE FUCKING DEAF, IS IT?! ARE YOU ''SO'' DENSE?! Am I gonna have to run around, slapping badges on people, with a big tick on some and a big cross on others, so you know ''when'' to shut your gob and when to open it?! Jesus Christ! Oh, but that'll probably confuse you as well, won't it?! That'll be too confusing! You'd see the cross and go &quot;Oh, fuck! X marks the spot! Better tell this little person all about the Prime Minister's fucking CATASTROPHIC ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!&quot; Oh, but not to worry, not to worry, you've sent fucking Ollie over there to deal with it. ''(Nicola tries to speak)'' FUCKING OLLIE! HE'S A FUCKING- HE'S A FUCKING KNITTED SCARF, THAT TWAT, HE'S A FUCKING BALACLAVA!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' It just seems to me that all we'd be losing if we got rid of Robyn is somebody who makes a weak cup of tea, you know, I don't think we've – ''(mobile rings)'' Shit, Malcolm. ''(answers)'' Hello? 
:'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office)'': Get over here, now. Might be advisable to wear brown trousers, and a shirt the colour of blood. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Nicola:''' Fuck.  
:'''Glenn:''' Has he run off? He does that.  
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, it's all just gone really [[wikipedia:HBO|HBO]].&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola and Terri sit down in Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I just wanted to say to you, by way of introductory remarks, that I'm ''extremely'' miffed about today's events and, in my quest to try and make you understand the level of my, um, unhappiness, I'm likely to use an awful lot of what we would call ''violent sexual imagery'', and I just wanted to check that neither of you would be terribly offended by that. 
:'''Nicola:''' I could actually do without the theatrics, I think, Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Enough. E-fucking-nough. You need to learn to shut your fucking cave, right? Today, you have laid your first big fat egg of solid fuck. You took the data loss media strategy, and you ate it with a lump of ''[[w:Escherichia coli|E. coli]]''. And then you sprayed it our of your arse at 300 miles per hour.
:'''Nicola:''' I simply made a mistake, Malcolm – 
:'''Malcolm:''' You got [[wikipedia:Source_(journalism)#&quot;Speaking_terms&quot;|'on the record' and 'off the record']] fucking mixed up! What would have happened if, like, [[wikipedia:George_Martin|George Martin]] had done that? We'd have no fucking Beatles, that's what. Now, I don't give a fuck about that: I've had to fucking sit next to [[wikipedia:Paul McCartney|Paul McCartney]] at fucking [[wikipedia:Chequers|Chequers]]!  
:'''Nicola:''' The data loss wasn't my fault.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fine, yeah, but I tell you what, it came out fucking pretty fast once you were in there, didn't it? Which makes me wonder, should I just go and talk to the boss? Should I go and tell him, &quot;I don't think she's up to the job&quot;?  
:'''Nicola:''' You said yourself that if he sacks me after a week it looks like ''he's'' fucked up.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but that was before, when your only problem was a fucking shit pun in a newspaper, and a face like[[w: Dot Cotton | Dot Cotton]] licking piss off a nettle!
:'''Nicola:''' ''Okay'', I messed up, right? I messed up! But I will from now on listen to every bit of advice you give me. Yeah, I'll go on ''Question Time'' wearing a push-up bra and a fez. Yeah, I'll do the hustings on stilts if that is what you tell me the strategy is. Because you know about that stuff, Malcolm. I know that. It's just that I've got things I want to do, all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you do, like Montessori fucking rocking horses, I suppose. 
:'''Nicola:''' No, no. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''The Mail'' have the motherlode on this, right? So that means that there is a way through this for us, but it entails you, my dear, eating a complete concrete mixer full of humble pie. 
:''(Terri speaks for the first time in the meeting)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(with pen and diary ready)'' Right, what's the strategy?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(dramatic growl)'' The [[wikipedia:Kraken|Kraken]] awakes!  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, it's just that, I mean, this is the first bit of the meeting that hasn't been about expletives and fezzes and stilts and [[wikipedia:Teabagging|teabagging]], I mean, this is the bit that relates to media management.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I didn't say anything about teabagging. Do you even know what teabagging is?  
:'''Terri:''' Not really, no; er, I'm told it's unpleasant.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' I don't know where 'smug' comes from, I mean, I've aged ten years in the past week: I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and I thought, 'Fuck me, it's a [[wikipedia:Pantomime_dame|pantomime dame]]'. So an informal off-the-record lunch meet at ''The Guardian'': apparently it's a sort of shoot-the-breeze, you know, 'Have you seen the latest [[Mad Men|''Mad Men'']]? Isn't [[wikipedia:Andrew_Neil|Andrew Neil]] a jerk?' sort of thing.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''The Guardian''? Don't tell them any fucking anecdotes about your children, or they'll offer you a fucking column.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' Right, when I came into this department I thought, 'OK. Let's turn a fresh page.' So I turned a fresh page, and you collectively have drawn a ''gigantic fucking cock'' on it!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn''' ''(to Robyn)'': Part of the strategy is to warn us when Malcolm is coming back, so it's your job to block the path. You're [[wikipedia:The_300_Spartans|the Spartans]] at [[wikipedia:Battle_of_Thermopylae|Thermopylae]]. You're [[wikipedia:Richard_Egan_(actor)|Richard Egan]] with an oily chest.  
:''(later, in Nicola's office)''  
:'''Ollie:''' One possible strategy might be not to tell anybody.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, we keep it a secret?  
:'''Robyn''' ''(running in)'': Sorry, sorry. Malcolm's coming. Sorry.  
:'''Glenn:''' What? You were meant to be delaying him, you're supposed to be the Spartans!  
:'''Robyn:''' Well I couldn't really remember what the Spartans did, I'm not as old as you, Glenn!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Marianne Swift:''' Data, exactly, I heard what you said about your data loss.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Did you say that?  
:'''Nicola:''' No, er, well I don't remem– I don't recognise those words, and I don't recognise you!  
:'''Marianne Swift:''' What?  
:'''Malcolm:''' So you see, the Minister may just have misspoke. But what she said was just words, right, not real statements. You know, that's like – you know, if there was a blast of wind over a harp, and it hit the strings, this wind, and it made the harp accidentally say, 'I'm a cat fucker', would that mean that that harp was actually a cat fucker, in real life, in reality? In the world we live in?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, that's a really good question, yeah.

== Series 3, Episode 3 ==

:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' We need to persuade Matt Delaney not to [[wikipedia:Crossing_the_floor#Changing_parties|cross the floor]]. I think we should use the [[wikipedia:Carrot_and_stick|carrot-and-stick]] approach, yeah. You take a carrot, you stick it up his fucking arse, followed by the stick, followed by an even bigger, rougher carrot.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Ollie arrive at Glenn's hotel room, where Glenn has already arrived and waiting for them.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Ah, you got past mad conference security, then? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's bonkers, isn't it? It's like trying to get through Israeli customs wearing a T-shirt saying, &quot;I heart bombing Israel.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' I know. I mean, I had to wait for an hour and they practically gave me a cavity search. 
:'''Ollie:''' Aw, only practically? The sense of disappointment in your voice is almost palpable.
:''(Nicola notices the size of Glenn's room)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, your bed's bigger than mine. In fact, your whole room's bigger than mine. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(feeling awkward)'' Well, um...Do you want it? 
:'''Ollie:''' &quot;Mr. Lova Lova,&quot; full marks for foreplay there, Glenn, straight in. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(reassuring Glenn)'' Do I want your room? No, honestly. I just thought they'd all be the same, sort of vanilla and monotonous. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Did you ask them for your special tiny kettle? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' It's an electric thimble. 
:'''Ollie:''' Maybe the room only looks bigger because Glenn's kettle is so tiny! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(John Duggan, a press officer at the conference, arrives at Nicola's room to introduce himself to Nicola and her team.)''
:'''John Duggan:''' Howdy Doody, Minister. I'm John Duggan, your press officer at the conference. 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, hello. Nicola Murray, hi. 
:'''John:''' How was your holiday?
:'''Nicola:''' Ah, well, you know, we wanted to go to Florida but Malcolm 'suggested' we went to [[wikipedia:Suffolk|Suffolk]], and so the kids were miserable, weather was miserable, and Malcolm rang and shouted at me for looking miserable.
:'''John:''' I saw the photo of you, in the wellies next to the horse. 'Why the long face?' It was funny. ''(Nicola looks up, unimpressed)'' Or not, depending on your perspective. Still, things are looking up: you're in [[wikipedia:Eastbourne|Eastbourne]] now, which really is the jewel in the crown of our shit seaside resorts. [[wikipedia:Clacton-on-Sea|Clacton]] of the South West, they call it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is trying to get John to push through the press a story about Peter Mannion taking a second holiday, which would put Peter in a negative light.)''
:'''Nicola:''' John, are you across this thing about, um, Peter Mannion lining up a second holiday? 
:'''John:''' Um, Mannion, right, yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Peter Mannion, my opposite number, you know? 
:'''John:''' Yes. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, good. So you're going to push that for the press for me, yeah? 'Cause I just want to remind people that while he's criticizing us over the recession, he's, you know, swanning around on his friend's massive yacht. 
:'''John:''' Oh, okay. &quot;He's gay.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck...
:'''Ollie:''' No, not gay. 
:'''Nicola:''' It's a hypocrisy thing. 
:'''John:''' (stammering) Yeah, well, I mean, in-in-in in principle, yeah. But it-it it is conference, so my to-do list is longer than a big willy. 
:'''Nicola:''' John, without wishing to sound blunt...Um, actually, you know what? Fuck it, let's sound blunt. ''(bluntly)'' It is your job. 
:'''John:''' I'll do what I can. That is a Duggan promise. 
:''(John leaves the room.)''
:'''Nicola:''' He's not gonna do it, is he?
:'''Glenn:''' Absolutely fucking useless. 
:'''Nicola:''' He's completely not gonna do it. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(John returns just as the group is discussing Julie Price, Nicola's &quot;People's Champion.&quot;)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to John)'' Glenn says that she's changed her Facebook status to 'single and up for it', ''(John starts laughing)'' which I believe is actually why Glenn brought her here in the first place.
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, John: There's an outside chance that she may just prefer to meet a human being, so I'm gonna come down with you.
:'''Ollie:''' Good idea, you can buy her a coffee, can't you – you could maybe buy her a Collapsuccino.  
:'''John:''' ''(laughing)'' Might bring back memories of her latte husband. As in late husband. We're like [[wikipedia:Dick_and_Dom|Dick and Dom]], aren't we? Great chemistry.
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Except neither one of [[wikipedia:Dick_(slang)|you]] are Doms.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is in the bathroom -- on her cell phone, though. She's having a chat with Terri, who's driving her car while talking to Nicola.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, hi, it's me.
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, happily)'' Hi, Nicola! 
:'''Nicola:''' Have you read up about this Peter Mannion second holiday thing on the Dig Deep blog?
:'''Terri:''' No, no, I haven't actually seen that. Where's he off to? 
:'''Nicola:''' Amalfi. So could you make a few phone calls? See if you can get it some press traction? 
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry, I just can't do that. That's a party political matter. You're gonna have to get John Duggan onto that, 'cause it's his responsibility. 
:'''Nicola:''' Trouble is, Terri, that the only thing John Duggan is doing here is depriving a village somewhere of a twat. 
:'''Terri:''' Ah, yes, I've heard he's about as useless as a chocolate teapot. Although I probably shouldn't say that, sounds a bit racist, doesn't it? 
:'''Nicola:''' Where are you, Terri? 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm ju-just on the way down to Hastings to see my sister. Poor thing, having some trouble shifting a piano. So what I'm doing is I'm working from home today. 
:'''Nicola:''' No, you're not working and you're not at home, so as my 16-year old would say, &quot;You are totally busted.&quot; 
:''(And make no mistake -- Terri is totally busted! She exhales, knowing Nicola has caught her in a lie.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Nicola and Ollie are working on her upcoming speech.)''
:'''Nicola:''' OK, right, what have we got on the workplace gym reward scheme?
:'''Ollie:''' Er, fighting obesity is one of the biggest challenges we face, sleepwalking into a crisis, ticking time bomb –
:'''Nicola:''' You write almost entirely in generic meaningless buzzwords, don't you?
:'''Ollie:''' I could take it more street, if you prefer – 'You is all proper bloaters and it is well gay, biatch' – but, you know, this is the language –
:'''Nicola:''' No, but, you know – I just don't want to come across all [[wikipedia:Nanny_state|nanny-state]] and sort of – 'Death by Chocolate is not a funny name for a pudding, it's a real and genuine concern', you know, I don't want to give the press another opportunity to see me as Mrs. Sour Power Vinegar Tits sucking on a lemon.
:'''Ollie:''' Fine, I understand, so we'll sugar-coat it.
:'''Nicola:''' Well, leaven it, ideally, with a couple of jokes.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, all right, no problemo. ''(beat)'' Now, jokes now?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah!
:'''Ollie:''' OK, how about: 'We want people to be fit, not fit to burst'?
:'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna have to go down the slapstick route, aren't I? Do the speech straight, but dressed as Freddie Starr's Hitler.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In this scene, Ollie has introduced Malcolm to Julie Price, the &quot;People's Champion&quot; that Nicola is announcing in her speech. Malcolm is genuinely warm and empathetic towards Julie.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Julie Price...I'm so sorry for your loss. Hey, you're being looked after well enough, yeah? 
:'''Julie Price:''' Yeah, not bad. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You stick with Ollie. He's...yeah, he's a good guy. I know he looks a bit like an anorexic [[wikipedia:Leo Sayer|Leo Sayer]] there. Listen, could I have a photograph taken with you? 
:'''Julie:''' Who, me? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I've got a little correction of memories, you know. [[Nelson Mandela|Mandela]] and stuff. ''(to Ollie)'' Ollie, would you be so kind as to do the honor, good sir? 
:''(Ollie takes a picture of Malcolm and Julie together.)''
:'''Julie:''' ''(to Malcolm, happily)'' You're a stunner, ye. 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, you're a stunner. You really are. Very impressive. You know, I'm not the only one who finds you impressive. The PM...he finds you very impressive. 
:'''Julie:''' That's good. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, great. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I think that there is a point in his speech today...
:'''Julie:''' Mmm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ...where he would be very honored to introduce you. Is that something that would interest you? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, it might clash, though, with, uh, with Nicola's championing of Julie's cause. 
:'''Julie:''' Oh, God. Look, the nerves are getting to us. I need to use your bog. 
:''(Poor Julie has to go to the bathroom...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, that's the ladies there. 
:''(Ollie doesn't like what Malcolm's doing.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you can't...You can't do that. She's our bonus track. She's our DVD Easter egg. We need her for the speech. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Boo-fucking-hoo. Can do and have done. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but that...What, in two hours, two hours, think of a whole new speech? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, welcome to the Men's Room! Jesus Christ, listen. It's this simple, right? If she goes on with Nicola, she'll be watched by 15 housebound mouth-breathers. Oh, and by the ever-swelling ranks of the unemployed, who fucking hate us, by the way. But if she goes on with Tom, she'll make the 10 o'clock news, right? 
:''(Julie has finally returned, AND...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Julie, hi. Feel better? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah, good. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Now what's it gonna be, Julie darling? Do you want to go with the teas maid...or with the caravan? 
:'''Julie:''' ''(excited)'' I'm going with the caravan. That is the Prime Minister? 
:'''Malcolm:''' That is the Prime Minister, yes. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, Ollie. It's nice to meet you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Julie, this way, come on. Are you actually in the hotel, or are you staying...
:''(As Malcolm and Julie leave together, Ollie runs back to Glenn's room to alert Glenn and Nicola of the bad news.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Glenn are in her room trying to write her speech...)''
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;So, joking aside...&quot; Of course, we haven't fucking got those yet. 
:'''Nicola:''' I know. 
:'''Glenn:''' Whatever they are, right...
:''(When all of a sudden, Ollie re-enters the room.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(anxious as hell)'' Right, right. 
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;It's now my great pleasure -- &quot; ''(to Ollie)'' We're just doing the...
:'''Ollie:''' No no no, listen. Um -- listen! 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' You know when something, well, something bad, but you know when something bad happens and you think it's not as bad as...
:'''Nicola:''' What's happened? 
:'''Glenn:''' Where's Julie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's commandeered Julie for the PM's speech. We bumped into each other and he...
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean he's ''commandeered'' her? You're supposed to be looking after her, for fuck's sake! 
:'''Nicola:''' No, no, no, no, no, he hasn't. No. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We can't even fucking trust you to babysit! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''Malcolm'' took her...
:'''Glenn:''' Just say no! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(getting defensive)'' You don't just say no! 
:'''Glenn:''' What part of &quot;no&quot; don't you understand? 
:'''Ollie:''' Babysitting isn't a fucking...
:''(Nicola starts pounding and stomping on a pillow -- pretending that the pillow is Malcolm!)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''MALCOLM! FUCKING -- FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM!''
:'''Ollie:''' Well, um, that was my, uh, initial reaction as well. 
:'''Glenn:''' Deep breath, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yes, yes I know. Thank you, thank you, FUCK OFF! Thank you! 
:'''Glenn:''' Right, yes. What do you want us to do? 
:''(Nicola pushes Glenn and Ollie out of the way and runs to the bathroom.) 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Do you want your Rescue Remedy? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, fuck off! ''(Nicola takes a few deep breaths...)'' Get me some ketamine. I want to separate my mind from my body. 
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus Christ, poor Nicola. I'm going to go and talk to the bastard. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' Take some reasonable...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn, sarcastically)'' Yeah, that's right, rip your shirt off! Go on, Braveheart! FREEDOM! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, just casually mention to Alan Dunn and, er, Lindsay Anorexi at the Mail, that the PM has brought Julie Price to the conference.
:'''John:''' That's not strictly true, though, is it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well ''[[wikipedia:Strictly Come Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]'' isn't strictly dancing, is it? They also have a bit at the beginning where [[wikipedia:Bruce_Forsyth|an old man]] ''dribbles''. So what?
:'''John:''' Well, I didn't really follow that. Um, my point is...
:''(Malcolm sees Glenn coming his way...and Glenn's pretty darn mad now.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, Glenn, right. Okay, mate, look, I can see that you're a tad peeved. 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm not having it. You've gone too far. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, get a grip, Glenn. I didn't fucking come in your mouth. 
:''(John starts laughing)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to John, angrily)'' Are you in on this? 
:'''John:''' Oh, God, no, no, no. I'm just obeying orders, you know, like a Nazi guard. (John jokingly gives the Nazi salute.) Only in a non-gassy way. :''(to Julie)'' You're not Jewish, are you? 
:'''Julie:''' No. 
:'''John:''' ''(relieved)'' Oh, good. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Can you just take her? 
:'''John:''' Oh, yeah, uh... ''(to Julie)'' Why don't you go in here? There's some important people and biscuits in there. Have a coffee. Didn't mean to bring back bad memories. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(confused)'' What are you on about? 
:'''John:''' Your husband dying in a café. 
:''(While John takes Julie into the room, Malcolm and Glenn continue their argument.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' You can't just take her! That's people trafficking! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Am I being threatened by [[wikipedia:Harold Bishop|Harold fucking Bishop]]? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, Malcolm...
:''(John comes back into the hallway to try and make peace...)'' 
:'''John:''' Okay, guys, can we just...
:''(But then, Malcolm sees Ollie coming to join the shenanigans.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, shit, wow, here's the beige fucking Power Ranger now. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and we're taking her back! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do not make this a disciplinary issue. Do you hear me, soldier? 
:'''Glenn:''' I found her! I fucking found her! 
:'''Malcolm:''' She was on the fucking news! Get this guy out of here! 
:''(NOW, tempers are flaring!)'' 
:'''John:''' Can we get a bit more sane about this, please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is not a fucking discussion. 
:'''John:''' Right, nobody argue. 
:'''Glenn:''' I am going to go in there and I am going to take her! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You will fucking not! 
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck off! Fuck -- 
:''(And then -- Malcolm punches Glenn in the NOSE! Ollie catches Glenn's fall.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Jesus Christ! 
:'''John:''' Oh my God...
:'''Malcolm:''' You've hurt yourself. 
:'''John:''' I've got so much on, as it is. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' You hit me! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I did not hit you! I went to hit the fucking wall and pulled my fist back and hit you in the fucking face instead! 
:'''Glenn:''' I think you've broken my nose! 
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no, that's just a scratch, mate! 
:'''John:''' Noses can't break, anyway. That's a myth. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to John)'' What the fuck are you talking about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, look, just lean forward. You know, you want the blood to flow out of your nose, not down your throat like a fucking gurgling drain. 
:'''Glenn:''' Don't touch me! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(feeling sorry for Glenn)'' Look at him. 
:'''Glenn:''' Have you got a hanky? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' You go look after Julie, right? ''(to John)'' John, let's get Glenn back to his room. 
:'''John:''' Okay, yeah. 
:''(Malcolm's now looking around for possible witnesses)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Nobody saw that, did they? 
:'''John:''' No, it's like when a fight starts, you're just like, &quot;Fight, fight, fight!&quot; 
:''(Ollie and Julie are coming near)'' 
:'''Julie:''' All right? All right? 
:'''Ollie:''' If we can just get...
:''(Julie notices that Glenn's holding his nose.)'' 
:'''Julie:''' Is he okay? 
:''(The guys are pretending Glenn's OK.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' He's fine, he's fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's just got a nosebleed. 
:''(Ollie and Julie leave peacefully, BUT...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Say, you...
:'''John:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' If you breathe a word of this, right? 
:'''John:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen to me, Richard fucking Stilgoe, you fucking jazzy bastard! 
:'''John:''' I am listening. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Help me here! Let's get fucking Noses Supposes back to his fuck...
:''(But Glenn is GONE!)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where is he? 
:'''John:''' I don't know. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ! Come on! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I think you should leave.
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, do you?
:'''Nicola:''' Yes! ''(beat)'' What, are you gonna hit me?
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't fucking hit women.
:'''Ollie:''' Except Glenn, obviously.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Just you fucking leave Glenn out of this Glenn's been through enough as it is. ''(to Glenn, who is in the bathroom)'' Listen mate, I'm really – I'm really sorry, right, I'm really sorry about what happened in the heat of the fucking moment, yeah? I'm under a lot of pressure right now, I'm trying to plug a lot of leaks out there; I had my [[wikipedia:Hans_Brinker,_or_The_Silver_Skates#Popular_culture:_the_legend_of_the_boy_and_the_dike|finger in the dyke]], but the dyke's very very squirty.
:'''Ollie:''' Is it Fat Pat? I've heard that she's, er –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Now that you've lost [[wikipedia:Geordie|Geordie]] Julie, the merry fucking widow, you've got a hole in your speech. Right, so have we got a contingency for that?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, we'll figure it out, thank you.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well look, why don't I help you? Let's roll some tits up the flagpole, and see if anyone gets wood!
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Christ, it's like being trapped in a fucking boys' toilet. Right, all we've got is Mannion's second holiday, we need to take the piss out of that.
:'''Ollie:''' OK, how about, er, &quot;He's called Peter 'Two Holidays' Mannion&quot;?
:'''Malcolm:''' Glenn.
:'''Glenn:''' Erm, 'He's, erm – works really hard – at planning his holidays'?
:'''Malcolm:''' That's really fucking quality fucking explosive sarcasm you're lobbing at them, mate. Boom. 
:'''Glenn:''' I feel I'm in a therapy group being run by my own rapist. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, okay, well, how about...
:''(Suddenly, everybody's cell phones are ringing...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh my God...it's got out. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, really? I thought it was room service cold-calling. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Who the fuck is leaking this out there? ''(to Ollie)'' Find out who's pissing this over the wall. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, w-well, the thing about the Internet, Malcolm, is it's quite big...
:'''Malcolm:''' IT'S ON ROB HOLT'S BLOG! 
:'''Ollie:''' I don't know what he looks like. I don't...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You need to get your people's champion out of this hotel before some tabloid minge-flannel starts soft-soaping her. 
:'''Nicola:''' So we've got her back again now. Is that right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't be so fucking touchy about this! I've a lot to fucking deal with here! 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(sarcastically)'' ''MY'' responsibility again ''NOW!'' Doesn't matter about the speech. That's fine, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it does fucking matter! 
:''(Nicola then slams the bathroom door.)''   
:'''Malcolm:''' Women, huh? Women slam the door, where did this idea come from, huh? ''(bangs on the bathroom door)'' [[w:The Flintstones|WILMAAA]]! Fuck off!
:'''Nicola:''' ''(from inside the bathroom)'' I'm making a phone call.
:'''Malcolm:''' Make a phone call! [[wikipedia:Who_Wants_to_Be_a_Millionaire?_(UK_game_show)#Lifelines|Phone a fucking friend]]! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola makes her phone call to...Terri.)''
:'''Terri:''' ''(answering in a sing-song voice)'' Hello? 
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, it's-it's Nicola again. We're at DEFCON 1. Or-Or 5, or whichever the really bad one is. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(looking out her car window)'' You stupid pillock! Oh, boy racers. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(getting desperate)'' Terri, can you harness that anger and bring it down to Eastbourne, please? I desperately need you to come down and help me. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(replying to Nicola)'' The problem is this party political problem, because I'm a civil servant and I cannot possibly be seen to have anything to do with a party conference. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(begging)'' Terri, please, I'm standing in a factory that makes fans, right? And a-a man has walked in with a giant shit-spraying machine, and you happen to be bunking off work and not very far away, so I need you here! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(reluctantly giving in)'' Listen, I've got a cagoule in the back and I could come incognito with the hood up, if that's gonna help you out. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(looking at her speech)'' 'Government department – The gov–' Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck! How can I learn this when you're still writing it? I feel sick!
:'''Ollie:''' No, it's exciting, it's good, it's really good. In fact, I would say: the fact that you're hearing it for the first time when you say it will possibly give it a freshness and a zing, you know –
:'''Nicola:''' You think?
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, you know, this is politics as it is, isn't it? It's ''[[The West Wing]]''!
:'''Nicola:''' You're not [[wikipedia:Josh_Lyman|Josh]], Ollie, just write the fucking speech.
:'''Ollie:''' It doesn't mat–
:'''Nicola:''' Come on Nicola, pull yourself together.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' I fucking am Josh.
:'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray can do this, come on!
:'''Ollie:''' Wow, did you just refer to yourself in the second ''and'' third person? 'Cause they're both –
:'''Nicola:''' Write the fucking speech!
:'''Ollie:''' Right, OK, yes, I'm just slightly distracted by all the Nicola Murrays in the room!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''John:''' Malcolm, you're really scaring me now.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm scaring you? I'm so sorry I'm fucking scaring you. I mustn't scare you, must I? I won't scare you, OK, I'll just explain to you what I'm gonna fucking do to you: I'm gonna take your bollocks, I'm gonna fucking rip them off, I'm gonna fucking paint eyeballs on them. And I'm gonna stitch them onto a fucking sock and use that as a mouthpiece.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to John)'' Oh, twat features! I mean that literally.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, Dan Miller is not positioning himself for the leadership. Well, for a start, you can't have a prime minister called Dan. People called Dan work in fucking fitness centres and listen to West Coast jazz.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''John:''' Er, no, I've gotta wait for Glenn to bring Julie what's-her-face back from the toilet so I can give her the tour.
:'''Ollie:''' Where are they?
:'''John:''' Glenn has taken her to Nicola's toilet. It's like being back at college, isn't it, you know, [[wikipedia:Student_orientation|Freshers' Week]], it's just as busy, isn't it, you know –
:'''Nicola:''' Stop talking.
:'''John:''' Right, OK.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh dear, that's bad, Glenn and a woman in a toilet. 'Hello Julie. Would you like to see the Minister's room? ''(John starts laughing)'' It's very cosy, isn't it, just right for a little kissy-kissy? Maybe some tickle-me tickle-me? ''(mimes undoing his flies)'' Have you met my little friend, old blind Bob?' ''(turns round to find that Glenn and Julie Price have returned)'' Just an impression of my friend, old blind Bob.
:'''John:''' Liar.
:'''Ollie:''' Listen, right, I'm not being really horrible, but are you actually autistic?
:'''John:''' No; but you'd be surprised how many people ask me that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' And I need you, big man.
:'''Glenn:''' Why?
:'''Malcolm:''' Because I'm gonna invite some hacks up here. I'm gonna give them some drinks, and I'm gonna show them what good mates we are, huh?
:'''Glenn:''' Do we have to?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, we do have to do it! And I want you to be telling some really fucking amusing anecdotes about our long weekend in Prague.
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' He's gonna hit me again, isn't he? I don't mind being hit, it's just the making up afterwards that scares me shitless.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, I really need you to come down here and help me. All I've got here, right, is a psycho man, a bleeding man and a sarky teenager. It's like some fucking logic problem: 'How do I get the chickens across the river? How do I get the ''fucking chickens'' across the river?'
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''John:''' See, this is the problem with the modern age, the blogosphere, and it is a fear, it's everywhere, we call it the i-Zilla. No one can tame the [[wikipedia:Beast_of_Bodmin_Moor|Beast of Blogmin]].
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck are you talking about? Make a deal with these bloggers. Threaten them! It's your fucking job, isn't it?
:'''John:''' Malcolm, that is not how the internet works; it's a world-wide, you know, web, that's where that comes from.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look: I need you to find the [[wikipedia:Itsy_Bitsy_Spider|incy-wincy fucking spider]], take your rolled-up wank mag and fucking ''squash'' the fucker, right, can you do that?  
:'''John:''' Malcolm, I've got a lot on. ''(Malcolm glares at him)'' Not a problem. That's a Duggan promise.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie''' ''(looking out of the window onto the car park)'': You've got to see this, come here. Glenn is putting on his retrosexual moves.
:'''Nicola:''' No!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.
:'''Nicola''' ''(looking out of the window)'': Who is she?
:'''Ollie:''' I dunno, but she's smashed, if she is a she. I think I can see her madam's apple there.
:'''Nicola:''' Maybe they're just talking.  
:'''Nicola and Ollie''' ''(seeing them kiss)'': Oh!
:'''Ollie:''' That's horrific. This is like the worst porn film ever. This is like the porn film where the woman rings for a special adviser to give her an overview of the last five years of social policy and they end up fucking.
:''(both laugh)''
:'''Nicola: [[w:The Bourne Ultimatum|The Porn Ultimatum]].'''

== Series 3, Episode 4 ==
:'''Ollie:''' What's happened to Terri? She looks like a female impersonator! 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah I know, I thought you only got made over like that at a gay undertaker's.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Ollie:''' ''(re: Nicola's daughter, Ella)'' She's kicking off at school. Basically, ever since Malcolm made Nicola put her in the fucking comp, she's headed for what Mr. [[w:Neil Diamond|Neil Diamond]]  I believe would have called 'a [[w:Sweet Caroline|Sweet]] [[w:Columbine High School massacre|Columbine]] incident'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma:''' Hey, do you know what, I wonder if we'll get to sneak up on Ollie and catch him not working.  
:'''Phil:''' Better still, I'd like to see him getting bollocked by Malcolm. ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'I'm gonna rip out ya bladder and wear it as a bandana!'  
:'''Emma:''' OK, erm –  
:'''Phil:''' I need to know what Glenn Cullen looks like.  
:'''Emma:''' Oh, Glenn Cullen, er, fifties, kind of depressed looking; I always think of, like, a bloodhound.  
:'''Phil:''' OK, I'll get a picture of Mick Hucknall.  
:'''Peter''' ''(arriving)'': Morning, comrades! How goes the revolution?  
:'''Phil and Emma:''' Morning.  
:'''Peter:''' Our tanks on their lawn at last, fuck-a-doodle-doo!  
:'''Phil:''' Talking of which, may I present the DoSAC Implementation Matrix!  
:'''Emma:''' Don't ask.  
:'''Peter:''' Look, this is a very straightforward set of meetings with the senior civil servants. You know, 'Where's the stop-cock? Where can I get a decent cup of coffee? Here's our legislative agenda for the next three years'.  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah I know, but Stewart's very keen for us to use a visit to DoSAC as a scouting exercise?  
:'''Peter:''' Well I'm very keen to use Stewart's mouth as an ashtray, but it doesn't mean I'd do it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(explaining the Opposition Drill)'' When the Opposition are here, you tell them nothing except where the toilets are, but you lie about that. And Terri, keep your tits in.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma:''' ''(receiving an alert on her phone)'' That's Stewart. I'm just gonna have to show him up.  
:'''Peter:''' Great, Mr. Blue Sky; we're not gonna practise fist bumps again, are we?  
:'''Emma:''' Phil, if you mention anything out of turn while I'm gone, I will send your mum that picture of you dressed up as Cher, OK? ''(taps her phone)'' One button... ''(leaves)''  
:'''Peter:''' Cher?  
:'''Phil:''' Celine Dion, karaoke night. It's totally harmless. ''(checks that Emma has gone)'' OK, Ollie told Emma that there's a shitstorm brewing about the minister's daughter.  
:'''Peter:''' She was only the minister's daughter, but she knew how to take the collection.  
:'''Phil:''' She's 12.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, shit, strike that last remark, it's actually a little poem that... gets much worse.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Ah Peter, glad we could hook up. Just wanted to take a couple of turns with you on the ideas carousel, yeah? Think of ways we could turn your team into a little cluster of excellence.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, you mean you wanted to have a chat.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Peter:''' I hate to be a spoilsport, but can we briefly refocus on our visit to DoSAC?  
:'''Stewart''': Yeah, who are you meeting?  
:'''Phil:''' Got a couple of meetings with two top people, you know, the big swinging dicks.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, OK, well don't forget the tiny static dicks.  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, we're not allowed to talk to her boyfriend, though.  
:'''Emma:''' Very funny.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Oi! Oi! [[w:James May|James fucking May]]! It was ''you'' sprayed the private information about the school, wasn't it?! Like [[w:Jenson Button|Jenson Button]] shaking up a magnum of piss!
:'''Phil:''' Oh, just listen to yourself! Okay, at first it was private information between you and your boss, then it was private information between you and your girlfriend, ''then'' it was private information between your girlfriend and her colleagues!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah?
:'''Phil:''' I mean, I can draw you a diagram if you like! it's like a fucking swine flu pandemic!
:'''Ollie:''' I've clearly made an error, which I have to take up with Emma...
:'''Phil:''' Exactly!
:'''Ollie:''' ... but you shouldn't be fucking using it for political –
:'''Phil:''' This is ''your'' fault! It's not my fault! You're like the man who fucked the monkey that gave us AIDS, that's who you are!
:'''Ollie:''' ''(incredulous)'' I'm like the man who did what? Who &quot;fucked the monkey ''(laughs)'' that gave us AIDS&quot;?
:'''Phil:''' That's right: you keep saying &quot;it wasn't me, it wasn't me&quot; and there's monkey shit on your balls, not mine!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking in)'' I love it, I love it - it's the pre-match sparring for the big Super Gayweight Title Fight, eh? ''(makes boxing motions)'' Okay, Oliver, wipe away the pre-cum. You've got some work to get on with.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(quietly)'' Yeah, Malcolm, um...?
:'''Malcolm:''' What?
:'''Ollie:''' The Nicola thing, I think, is getting a bit worse. It looks like her daughter's about to be excluded for bullying.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, Glenn told me that.
:'''Ollie:''' What? When did –?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. The thing is, all we've got to do is, if we try and keep this info very, very closely contained, we'll be all right, yeah? 
:'''Ollie:''' Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay?
:'''Ollie''': Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' On you go. ''(walks up to Phil)'' Okay, Shitehead Revisited. Did you know that Nicola Murray's daughter is about to be expelled from school for fucking ''bullying?''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' What are you doing?
:'''Phil:''' No, what...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't worry. ''(to Phil)'' Did you not know that?
:'''Phil:''' No, why would I... No...
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you wouldn't know that, 'cause the only people who know that right now are Mrs. Murray, her daughter, Ollie and me, yeah? If this gets into the press, I would ''know'' that it came from you.
:'''Phil:''' Clever. ''(chuckles, trying to hide his nervousness)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(also chuckles, rather deviously)'' And I would rain down on you so hard, you would have to be reassembled by fucking air crash investigators. ''(Phil tries to protest)'' ''Do not fucking'' interrupt me, son, ever! Now get this into the noggin, right? You breathe a ''word'' of this, to ''anyone'', you mincing fucking '''''CUNT''''', and I will tear your fucking skin off, I will wear it to your mother's birthday party, and I will rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whistling [[w:Bohemian Rhapsody|Bohemian fucking Rhapsody]], right?!
:'''Phil:''' ''(nods in shock)'' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' Now...get out of my fucking sight! 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. ''(wanders off, visibly terrified)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' ''(Discussing Malcolm)'' His bark's worse than his bite. ''(Sees Malcolm approaching)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Peter!
:'''Peter:''' And speaking of rabies injections, here he is!
:'''Malcolm:''' I didn't know you were still alive. How's the 80's tribute band? Still doing the [[wikipedia:Robert_Palmer_(singer)|Robert Palmer]] lookalikey thing, huh?
:'''Peter:''' Malcolm, you're looking well, for someone twice your age. Any news on the aneurysm?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' ''(Answers his mobile phone)'' Ah, Stewart. What flavour of nut-brown piss are you going to pour in my ear?
:'''Stewart:''' How's the info-pump firing?
:'''Peter:''' You mean Terri Coverley? She's useless, she knows nothing. You two would get on.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Nicola, just got a text from Malcolm. He says he knows Mannion was here. 
:'''Nicola:''' How does he know that?  
:'''Glenn:''' Text reads: 'I know about your fucking meeting with that ageing flamenco guitarist. You are NOT' (big letters) 'to go home.' There's been an escalation. He says he wants you at Number 10 'ASAFP'.  
:'''Nicola:''' 'F' meaning –  
:'''Glenn:''' Feasibly, I should imagine.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola arrives at Malcolm's office)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hi Nicola, thanks very much for coming over. Can I get you something?  
:'''Nicola:''' Actually, you haven't got any whisky, have you?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Whisky, yeah. Hasn't been touched for a while; still got [[wikipedia:Anthony_Eden|Anthony Eden]]'s lipstick on the bottle.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' OK, so it's Mannion. What do we do? I mean, do we go after him with one of your, you know, things that you say, like a big bum-dildo of vengeance or something? 
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go, that's my girl, yeah! [[wikipedia:Indiana_Jones_(franchise)|Indiana]] Murray and the Bum-Dildo of Vengeance, I like it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:''(arriving at the DoSAC building)''  
:'''Phil:''' This is ''mint''. It's like the fall of Troy but with visitor's passes instead of a [[wikipedia:Trojan_Horse|wooden horse]].  
:'''Peter''' ''(quoting [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Tennyson's]]'' [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Ulysses]]'')'': 'It may be that the gulfs will wash us down, / It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles / And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.'  
:'''Phil:''' I meant the film ''[[Troy (film)|Troy]]''?
:'''Peter:''' Awesome.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Emma:''' Do you fancy a cup of tea?  
:'''Stewart:''' Er, yes, you got anything herbal?  
:'''Emma:''' OK, yeah. ''(walking off, to herself)'' Something perfumed and essentially gay. ''(sees Phil)'' Oh, speak of the devil. Whoa, you look like you've shat yourself.
:'''Phil:''' I had a close encounter with Malcolm Tucker. ''(Emma laughs)'' It's not funny, he's like some horrible character from an Ian Rankin novel.  
:'''Stewart:''' Where's Peter?  
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, where is Peter?  
:'''Phil:''' I don't know. It's a bit of a blur to be honest, I just kind of ran out of the building. I just kept walking, I ended up in [[wikipedia:Greenwich|Greenwich]].  
:'''Emma:''' Greenwich?  
:'''Phil:''' I think I was following the river, I wanted to get to the sea.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter:''' Do you channel all your passions into pie charts, Stewart? I don't even think you're excited about winning. I bet when you orgasm, you just put a little tick on a chart next to your bed.

== Series 3, Episode 5 ==
:''(Terri smiles and waves at Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' Why does the useless one keep staring at me?
:'''Phil:''' Because she's a mentalist and she loves you. You ever crash your car in the mountains, she'll be the one waiting to drag you out. ''(both chuckle)'' You've seen ''[[wikipedia:Misery (film)|Misery]]''?
:'''Peter:''' I'm in the fucking BBC, aren't I?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola, Terri, Glenn, Phil and Peter are all waiting in the green room. Terri continues to smile and stare at Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(quietly)'': The stupid one keeps staring at me; could you block the view, or something?
:'''Phil:''' OK. ''(sits on the table, between Terri and Peter)''
:'''Peter:''' OK.  
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Terri)'': Sorry.
:'''Peter:''' Why isn't Emma here to help?
:'''Phil:''' She's dumping Ollie tonight. Result! Probably crying his eyes out right now, like Kate Winslet losing on a scratch card.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that's a nice tan you haven't quite managed to get there, Peter.
:'''Peter:''' Oh yes of course, that's very funny, because of the shitstorm you created about my second holiday. I had to cancel my second holiday. I see what you did there, you should be in stand-up.
:'''Phil:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_Elton|Glenn Elton]]. 'Yes indeed, ladies and gentlemen!'
:'''Peter:''' Sorry about the puffin.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is in his office talking to someone on his cell phone)''
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I don't give a fuck whose birthday it is, I'm going to enjoy myself here listening to this Murray-Mannion ding-dong on the radio. The fat cat story's breaking, so the opposition are gonna be sweating like Vegas Elvis on a squash court. 
:''(Malcolm's personal assistant, Sam, comes into the office with a box)''
:'''Sam:''' Happy Birthday, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Stop saying that, right? Just you go home. What is this? Don't...Is this my new anal beads? 
:''(Malcolm looks at the box)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, this has been X-rayed, yeah? I'm not gonna get fucking, a present bomb in the face? 
:''(Malcolm opens the box. It contains a cake which reads 'Happy Birthday C*nt')''
:'''Malcolm:''' This could be from anybody. ''(opens the accompanying card)'' Ah, it's from the Prime Minister. This is fucking Tom's idea of a joke, yeah? And he wonders why we don't let him out in public.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola is discussing what she's going to say about her Fourth Sector Initiative on Richard Bacon's radio show with Terri and Glenn)''
:'''Nicola:''' Fourth sector, people power. Inspiring each other out of disadvantage. 
:'''Terri:''' And you need to put in the liking words as well, not just the headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' I am going to talk in complete sentences. 
:'''Terri:''' I think you should rehearse with those headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, how about &quot;I believe in people power. Will you fuck off, Terri?&quot; Is that okay? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, Peter is discussing what he's going to talk about on the show with Phil.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' &quot;We call it the Common Sense Checklist, Richard. We need to cut red tape. We were talking about that at the Oval the other day, weren't we, Richard?&quot; 
:'''Phil:''' ''(loving it)'' That's just the sound of wickets falling. 
:''(But then, Phil's cell phone rings.)''
:'''Phil:''' Stewart. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Stewart? Oh, good. I wonder what Mr. Political Correctness Gone Boring wants...
:'''Phil:''' ''(answering his cell phone)'' Hi, Stewart. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, a little note for Peter, yeah? Tell him to dump the common sense checklist. Yeah, it's an ex-list. The new world order is this: Hit the city hard, yeah? It's &quot;Reverse Gekko.&quot; Greed is bad, money is awful. &quot;I Heart [[wikipedia:Tracy Chapman|Tracy Chapman]],&quot; yeah? 
:''(Phil leans over to Peter to quietly tell him the bad news...)''
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' He wants you to scrap the common sense checklist and hit the city hard over the bonuses, call them all money-grabbing wankers. 
:''(A BBC employee lets everyone know that Nicola and Peter are on, but Peter still has something to say to Phil.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Phil. ''(Peter quietly pulls Phil aside.)'' Some of my best friends are money-grabbing wankers. And I've got to give a speech to a roomful of them tomorrow at the CBI lunch. I'm not gonna say, &quot;Hello, chums, I've just taken a slash in the soup.&quot; So, no, the answer's no. 
:''(As Peter makes his way to the studio, Phil gets back on his cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart, um, Peter's not going to want to do that. 
:'''Stewart:''' No, I don't want him to want to do it, Phil. I just want him to do it. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' Stewart says it's a JB diktat, you have to do it. 
:'''Peter:''' Tell him to stick a goose up his arse. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Peter Mannion and Nicola Murray are now in the studio with Richard Bacon. Phil, Terri and Glenn are in the control room.)'' 
:'''[[wikipedia:Richard_Bacon_(broadcaster)|Richard Bacon]]:''' Coming up shortly, we've got what could be a rather fiery showdown between two political heavyweights. After trading blows in the dailies, it's now time for them to meet face to face. So, it gives me great pleasure to introduce Nicola Murray...
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. 
:''(Richard gives Nicola a polite 'please wait' hand gesture)''
:'''Richard:'''...Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. ''(Richard gives Nicola the 'OK.')'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Hello, again. I got it right that time. I managed to come in at the right time. 
:'''Richard:''' Hello, and from the shadow cabinet, the right honourable Peter Mannion MP. 
:'''Peter:''' Hi, Richard. Good to see you again. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(in the control room)'' THE MANNIONATOR! 
:'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Good to see you again as well. Uh, listen, guys, first of all...
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Phil)'' How old are you? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Richard:''' Either of you got any piercings? Any tattoos? 
:'''Peter:''' Uh, I've got an appendix scar, does that count? 
:'''Richard:''' Classic! 
:'''Peter:''' Well, you know how it is. Out with a bunch of pals, got a bit tipsy, rolled into casualty, yeah. Hey, we all got it done. 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah! In your face, bitch! 
:'''Richard:''' That's very funny. Nicola Murray, any piercings? 
:'''Nicola:''' Um...Uh, no...
:'''Terri:''' Yes, you do.
:'''Nicola:''' No piercings at all, no. 
:'''Terri:''' You have got some piercings. 
:'''Richard:''' Okay, all right. 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, sorry, no piercings at all, no. 
:''(All the while, Glenn is trying to remind Nicola about her pierced ears.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, some people say that my distinguishing feature would be probably my ears, which I'm told are quite small. 
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
:'''Nicola:''' But I do think we have to be a little bit careful about taking too light an approach to culturally sensitive issues, like body piercing or female circumcision...Uh, earrings! Earrings. I've got pierced ears. 
:'''Richard:''' Let's leave that there. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(listening to Nicola on the radio)'' Fuck me, this is like a clown running across a minefield!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Terri are now out of the control room, having an impromptu talk.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm really worried about Nicola. She's behaving like a squirrel trapped in a pedal bin. What I'm asking you to do is have a word with, um, Blondie, that producer. And cut Nicola some slack because she needs all the sympathy she can get. 
:'''Terri:''' The problem is, though, Glenn, if you say to a journalist, 'Can you avoid that topic?', that's when they really go for it. I mean, it's like saying to the school bully, 'I'll wet myself if you tickle me'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Throughout his show, Richard reads out listeners' texts about piercings.)''
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I don't see the point of piercings. If you were a robot, you wouldn't stick bits of dangling flesh all over yourself, would you?'
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, my friend's daughter got piercings all round her mouth. She looks like she works in a ball bearings factory, and there was an explosion and all the shrapnel got embedded in her face. I don't like it.'
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I love piercings. They are part of who I am, literally. Tina in Weymouth.'
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is now talking about her Fourth Sector Initiative.)''
:'''Nicola:''' What we would be looking for is getting people to inspire each other out of poverty, out of disadvantage. 
:'''Richard:''' ''(somewhat cynically)'' How can you be ''inspired'' out of poverty? 
:'''Nicola:''' Well, I'm choosing to ignore your rather cynical tone...
:'''Richard:''' I'm not being cynical, Nicola Murray. It's a perfectly legitimate question. How can you be inspired out of poverty? 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, you are being cynical, but anyway, we'll park that. Um, one of our initiatives is to designate certain people as fourth sector pathfinders. Now they would be pillars of a normal community. 
:'''Richard:''' Are you talking about &quot;have-a-go heroes,&quot; for example? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, we're talking about everyday heroes.
:'''Richard:''' I assume you'd want to avoid Charles Bronson-style vigilantes? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, yes. Yes, we don't, we don't want [[wikipedia:Charles Bronson|Charles Bronson]]. More, more, Charles, uh...Dance. 
:'''Richard:''' Okay. 
:'''Peter:''' Or Chaplin, yeah? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Suddenly, Glenn's cell phone goes off in the control room.)''
:'''Janice:''' ''(the show's producer, to Glenn)'' Out! 
:'''Glenn:''' Alright! 
:'''Phil:''' Is that Nicola's doctor? Probably trying to book a circumcision. 
:''(Glenn goes out of the control room to answer his phone.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you producing porno now for the visually impaired?
:'''Glenn:''' Wh– What?
:'''Malcolm:''' Because what I'm hearing here, on my radio, is Nicola Murray being roundly fucked. What is this, [[wikipedia:Bukkake|Bukkake]] [[wikipedia:Book_at_Bedtime|at Bedtime]]? Just, fu– put Ollie on.
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie, erm – Well he's not here, he's at home.
:'''Malcolm:''' Tell that fucking stick of celery to get his arse out of there, and get down to 5 Live right now. Tell him to inject some energy into Nicola's performance. At the moment, she's coming across like a Nazi float at the fucking [[wikipedia:Notting_Hill_Carnival|Notting Hill Carnival]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' It seems to me what I call a &quot;political meringue.&quot; Uh...sweet but, uh, lightweight and very little substance. 
:''(Meanwhile, in the control room...)''
:'''Phil:''' ''(clapping)'' He's like bloody [[wikipedia:Peter Ustinov|Ustinov]], isn't he? 
:'''Terri:''' Uh, it's just such an old joke. Can you just please get out? 
:'''Janice:''' ''(to both Phil AND Terri)'' Yeah. Okay, right. Can you just both fucking get out of the studio now? You and fucking Rupert Brooke, just out! 
:''(Meanwhile, Richard Bacon continues talking to Peter)'' 
:'''Richard:''' I know exactly what you mean. The other day, the BBC sent me on a Health &amp; Safety away day, where they taught me how to carry a cup of coffee. 
:'''Peter:''' (laughing) This, this is exactly what I mean. That makes no sense. That's nonsense, and uh... and we need to say no to the nanny state, uh, &quot;boo&quot; to nanny, and claw back some personal responsibility in the name of common sense. 
:'''Richard:''' We need to...Hang on, we need to say boo to nanny? 
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, it's just a play on [[wikipedia:Jools Holland|Jools Holland]]'s Hootenanny. (stuttering) I-I, I didn't write it, it's not...
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
:'''Peter:''' But, you know...Hey nanny no. 
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh hello, nice dinner?
:'''Emma:''' Fuck off, [[wikipedia:Bagpuss|Bagpuss]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil spots Emma in the green room. Terri is also in there.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Hey, that was quick. Did you tell him? 
:'''Emma:''' Kind of. He's getting the message. 
:'''Phil:''' Look, I couldn't say while you were together, but I really don't know what you saw in him. 
:'''Emma:''' You told me all the time how much you hated him. That was one of the main reasons I went out with him so long. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you splitting up with Ollie? 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, can you actually hear all right over there? I can pop into the studio and get some microphones so you can get all the details. 
:'''Terri:''' No, I can hear fine. Yes, no, I think that's a really good idea. I mean, for your sake. I'd back you up on that. 
:'''Emma:''' (pleased) What, I have your backing? Oh, fantastic. Thanks. 
:'''Phil:''' Hey, Emma, look, you're clearly overemotional right now. Why don't you go home, you know, drink some mojitos with your girlfriends and talk about shoes? I've got it covered here. 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah. Well, actually, Stewart called me in because he wanted me to SatNav Peter out of the dead end you've driven him into. So, perhaps you should piss off and read that ''[[wikipedia:Marie Claire|Marie Claire]]'' you nicked off me. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And then, Phil's cell phone rings again -- and once again, Stewart's on the other line.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' (answering his cell phone) Hi, Stewart. He's great, isn't he? 
:'''Stewart:''' &quot;Boo to nanny?&quot; Phil, no one watches Jools Holland, yeah? We need to be appealing to ''One Show'' man and ''Holby City'' woman. 
:'''Emma:''' What's he saying? 
:'''Phil:''' Just shut up, Emma. The men are talking? 
:'''Stewart:''' Is Emma there? 
:'''Phil:''' Yes, she is here. 
:'''Stewart:''' Thank God! Put her on, Phil. 
:''(Emma gets on the cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Stewart, hi. 
:'''Stewart:''' This is the brief. Got a pen? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, hang on. ''(to Phil)'' Have you got a pen? 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, you're not having it. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Do you need a pen?
:'''Emma:''' Uh, I do, thanks. ''(to Stewart)'' Sorry, Stewart, hang on. 
:'''Stewart:''' Why don't you have one just sellotaped to your chin, Emma? Write this down! Write on his shirt! Just write it down! 
:''(Phil tries to take the pen from Emma, but Emma's not messing around.)''
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' I'm serious. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you listening to Daddy? 
:'''Emma:''' Okay. 
:'''Stewart:''' I want you to pull some info, right? On city bonuses, tax evasion, non-doms. Let's name and shame some fat cats! I want to hear some fact-enforced noise! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Ollie arrives at the BBC Building.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Many thanks, Glenn.
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' For getting me in on my special night off. Emma was furious when I said I was coming in here, she was moaning, she was screaming, and then I said I was coming in here. Do you see what I did? 
:'''Glenn:''' (smiling mockingly) I see. 
:'''Ollie:''' It was a joke about my sexual prowess. 
:''(But then, Ollie sees Emma.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' What the fuck are you doing here?
:'''Emma:''' Oh, I'm having an affair with Richard Bacon. I'm incredibly aroused by men with meat in their surname.
:'''Ollie:''' You. You told me...I cooked a lovely meal...
:'''Emma:''' Ordered. And it wasn't lovely. 
:'''Ollie:''' What the fuck's going on?
:''(Emma's cell phone rings)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, I've got to take this. I'll talk to you later. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So! She DID come! She came into work! Do you see what I did there? 
:'''Ollie:''' Fuck off, Glenn.  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is accusing Peter and his party of blocking initiatives that would allow bonuses to the so-called &quot;fat cats.&quot;)'' 
:'''Nicola:'''...when you yourself where actually in cabinet. We have tried repeatedly to initiate legislation which will outlaw these bonuses. Now, your party has persistently blocked those attempts. 
:'''Richard:''' I think it's an interesting point. What do you say, Peter Mannion, to the accusation that these huge bonuses and the offense that they cause are the fault of your party? 
:'''Peter:''' I think that's a completely fatuous argument when Nicola's party has been in government for what seems like about a century, and bonuses under their watch have increased...What? Five fold? Oh, dear! Come on, Nicola. Pull your finger out. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, fine. So you personally would like to see more done to hit the fat cats? 
:'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Is that what you're saying? 
:'''Peter:''' (stammering) Well, yes-yes. I...I would. If the person receiving the bonus hasn't performed well...
:'''Richard:''' Can I, can I simplify that? Let me simplify this. Would you outlaw bonuses? 
:'''Peter:''' (still stuttering) In the case of them being undeserved, yes...
:'''Nicola:''' Which the bulk of them are, so basically you're saying the bulk of your friends in the city are disgusting. 
:'''Peter:''' (confused) No, no, no. Yes, yes, but only if the bonuses they receive are unfair.
:'''Richard:''' I think, well, I think we've got -- It's alright. I think we've got your point. Uh, thank you. Let's move on. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Phil enters the green room)''
:'''Ollie:''' Right, if you speak to me, I will pour hot coffee on your balls.
:'''Phil:''' Hey, guy, I don't want to fight. I want to clear the air, actually. We're like those two little old people in the [[wikipedia:Weather_house|weathercock]]: you come out, I'm in there, and we're swapping round.
:'''Ollie:''' You're Mr. Sunshine, are you?
:'''Phil:''' I'm Mr. Sunshine!
:'''Ollie:''' You're a little wooden twat, in a little wooden house.
:'''Phil:''' Come on, there's no need – we can be friends! I'm thinking two enemies, they come together when they realise it is no more. Aragorn and Boromir! Me: Aragorn, the true king. You: Boromir. [[wikipedia:Middle-earth_objects#Horn_of_Gondor|Your horn]] is broken, and will be blown no more.
:'''Ollie:''' This inability to talk without using ''Lord of the Rings'' metaphors is one of the very ''many'' reasons that we could never be friends.
:'''Phil:''' Okay. By the way, you'll be getting a bill. That's OK, though, I presume you're expecting that. 
:'''Ollie:''' Okay, I'll bite. (sighs) Why will I be getting a bill, Phil? 
:'''Phil:''' Ah, let me see, partial rent, electricity, gas, internet use, toilet paper...Kept a note every time you were round at the flat. 
:'''Ollie:''' You're moving out? Oh, that's a shame. I'll miss doing that secret and bad thing I did with your roll-on deodorant. 
:'''Phil:''' I'm not moving out. I'm just guessing that seeing how Emma's dumped you, you won't be coming round much any more. 
:'''Ollie:''' What? 
:'''Phil:''' Oh, let me just savor this moment. Thank you, God. She hasn't told you, has she? 
:'''Ollie:''' No, what? 
:'''Phil:''' She's dumped you. She did it tonight. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, no. She didn't do it tonight. 
:'''Phil:''' Let me get a little photo of this moment. Hey, new desktop picture here: Ollie being dumped!
:''(Ollie doesn't appreciate being told of this bit of news by Phil.)''   
:'''Ollie:''' Why would she tell you first, dickwad?
:'''Phil:''' I've no idea, she told me to get out of the flat tonight so she could dump you. Anyway, in the words of [[wikipedia:Shakespears_Sister|Shakespears Sister]], ''(sings in falsetto)'' '[[wikipedia:You're_History|You're History]]'! ''(Ollie throws his coffee at Phil's groin)'' Ah, f– It's a dark suit and it's only lukewarm, I ''still'' win!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Richard is taking another call on his show)'' 
:'''Richard:''' James Henderson, what's your point? 
:'''Peter:''' Is that Jim Henderson from Clifton? 
:'''Richard:''' ''(surprised)'' You two know each other? 
:'''Peter:''' We've met. We know each other. 
:'''James:''' ''(talking to Peter on the phone line)'' We've met! Yes, we ''have'' met. I'm surprised to hear you turning on the city boys. Um, you never found the JFU donating huge wodges of cash to your party ''disgusting.'' 
:'''Peter:''' Well, that's a separate issue...
:'''James:''' ''(continuing)'' Even though everyone knows they've got links with sweatshops. 
:'''Richard:''' Wow! 
:'''Peter:''' What? 
:'''Richard:''' Well, that's quite an extraordinary allegation, very serious. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(still in his office)'' YES! 
:'''Richard:''' ...links to sweatshops? 
:'''Peter:''' That should be looked into, but...
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's my birthday! 
:'''Peter:''' ...I don't know the facts. 
:'''James:''' I've just told you the facts! Are you calling me a liar? 
:'''Janice:''' I can't believe my ears, did we just break a story that wasn't 'the [[wikipedia:Ipswich_Town_F.C.|Ipswich]] manager just got sacked'?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(leaving his office)'' It's my birthday! ''(Offering someone a piece of cake)'' Cunt cake? Go ahead! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart is on his cell phone, telling Emma he's coming down to the BBC Studios.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Right, Emma. Look, look, look, I'm just coming in. Okay? Yeah, look, I'll be 20 minutes, right? So see if you can get Peter to do something inoffensive for 20 minutes. Hard boil 4 eggs! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, in the green room...)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''(in a bad mood)'' Great. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You tell fucking Man at C&amp;A that I'm dumped before I do, is that it? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's he talking about? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' I thought he knew. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, you fucking twit! 
:'''Glenn:''' Do you mind keeping it down? Some of us are trying to listen.
:'''Phil:''' I can fill you in: Peter's tearing through her like a Viking at a nunnery.
:'''Glenn:''' If he's a Viking, he's [[wikipedia:Cnut_the_Great|King Cnut]]!
:'''Phil:''' ''WHAT?''
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, he's drowning in the party donations. You should ''listen!'' 
:'''Phil:''' Bullshit! 
:''(Phil and Emma are listening on the radio. Ollie's trying to get Emma's attention.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You can't even fucking look at me! 
:'''Phil:''' We're trying to listen here now. 
:'''Ollie &amp; Emma:''' Shut the fuck up, Phil! 
:''(And now, EVERYBODY'S arguing!)'' 
:'''Janice:''' ''(storming into the green room)'' OK, do you want to shut up? And if you lot don't keep this down, I'm gonna have you all ejected from the building. ''(points at Terri)'' You are the worst, my chair still smells of your perfume!
:'''Terri:''' Excuse me! For the record, I have done nothing.
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, that will be your epitaph, Terri.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Glenn are celebrating just outside the green room)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Great! Good! Yes! I'm cooking now. 
:'''Glenn:''' Cooking with gas! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm fucking Delia Smith! I'm cracking eggs, I'm pouring in baking powder, I'm using fucking vanilla extract. It's great! 
:''(Peter is in the green room with Phil, trying to recover from his stumbles on 5 Live)'' 
:'''Peter:''' That was not good. That was the opposite of good. 
:'''Phil:''' Bad. 
:'''Peter:''' How do I counter? Have you heard of JFU? 
:'''Phil:''' I didn't actually hear that bit, so I don't know.
:'''Peter:''' You couldn't hear? CHRIST! You're...''(Chuckling, looking at Nicola and Glenn outside)'' Sorry, it's just...
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' You're here to hear, Phil. Why do you think you're here? You're HERE to HEAR! You're not here for eye candy! 
:'''Phil:''' Look, it's not my fault. It was very noisy in here. Ollie and Emma were splitting up at the time, and I couldn't really focus...
:'''Peter:''' ''Emma?'' ''Emma?'' Why is ''Emma'' here? 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart sent her down here. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(looking at Phil's trousers)'' ''Why have you got wet trousers?'' 
:'''Phil:''' Ollie threw coffee at me. 
:'''Peter:''' I'm sorry. I seemed to have wandered into some 1970s [[wikipedia:Ray Cooney|Ray Cooney]] farce. Is the vicar about to come around with [[wikipedia:Brian Rix|Brian Rix]] and [[wikipedia:Robin Askwith|Robin Askwith]]? 
:'''Janice:''' Right, back in. Headphones on ears, arses on chairs. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Meanwhile, Ollie and Emma are arguing in the hallway...and Terri's sitting just inches away from them.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Ollie, we just, we don't make any time for each other any more. 
:'''Ollie:''' We're busy people. We work really, really hard. We work harder than Fat Pat's arteries. Of course we...
:'''Terri:''' Did you used to make time for each other? I mean, I think that's the crucial question. 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry...
:'''Ollie:''' Okay, just for a second, Aunt Terri, fuck off! 
:'''Terri:''' Where am I meant to go? 
:'''Ollie:''' Pretend you've got to go and have a shit or something. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' You're going to be a lot better off without him. 
:'''Emma:''' What do you mean I'm going to be...
:'''Ollie:''' You're not going to be better off... 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, have you...Do you talk about me at work? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, fuck this! This is like that nightmare I had about being on ''[[wikipedia:Loose Women|Loose Women]].''
:''(After Ollie walks away from the argument, however, he sees Glenn and Phil talking in the corner.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Phil)'' ...that one at all. I mean, everyone knows that Schumacher is Stig. 
:'''Phil:''' I think that was just publicity, just to keep it going. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' Right. I'll go back to ''Loose Women.'' 
:'''Phil:''' ''(still talking to Glenn)'' Friend of mine thinks it's actually May, Hammond and Clarkson, purely 'cause Stig is an anagram of &quot;gits.&quot;
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, right. 
:''(Ollie is forced to go back to Emma and Terri's corner)'' 
:'''Emma:''' I just don't think he should be talking about me at all, let alone things that are totally private.
:'''Terri:''' No, I agree, I absolutely – ''(sees that Ollie has returned)'' Then the bank bonuses are very high, aren't they?
:'''Ollie:''' I know you've been talking about me, Terri, because I've got this weird [[Derren Brown]] thing going on where I can see and hear things, Terri.
:'''Emma:''' So, Ollie, what exactly have you been saying to them in the office about me?
:'''Ollie:''' I've been saying, er, you smell of fennel, you're racist –
:'''Emma:''' Funny.
:'''Ollie:''' – you torture horses, and you're in [[wikipedia:The_Bangles|The Bangles]], that's what I've been saying about you at work.
:'''Emma:''' See, I think you've been sexually bragging.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, don't flatter yourself.
:''(Stewart has finally entered the room.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Emma, I didn't send you here so you could chat about your sex life. I sent you here to back-block Peter's narrative, hmm? ''(Stewart then points to the Piercings Man)'' And what's happened to Phil? I mean, don't get me wrong, I like him, but I'm not seeing him in man-made fibers. 
:'''Emma:''' He's just drying his...He's drying his trousers. 
:''(Stewart's in quiet disbelief...)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I don't want to know. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(seeing Stewart enter the control room)'' How perfect. Who should walk in...
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' I'm Stewart Pearson, yeah? See the fat man that you're berating like he's a piñata? Well, I own him.
:'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, that's a fascinating development –
:'''Peter''' ''(seeing Malcolm arrive)'': Oh! And as we speak, who should come rolling along the corridor but Malcolm Tucker, the man who was once referred to as the [[wikipedia:Gorbals|Gorbals]] [[Joseph Goebbels|Goebbels]]...
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, don't do a joke. Peter, don't do a...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, can you explain, please, why your party spin doctor has arrived entirely announced? 
:'''Peter:''' I would say it was an indication of how seriously our party is taking the allegations that we were...
:'''Stewart:''' Don't say it again! 
:'''Peter:''' ...receiving donations from... 
:'''Richard:''' From a sweatshop labour company. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Ooh! Did you prep him with this shit, yeah? 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, yeah, yeah. The last thing I said to him was go in there and bomb. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, it fucking worked. Usually, he comes across like, you know, just another third-rate Donald Sinden. But tonight, he's like a ventriloquist's dummy that's fucking falling to bits. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really nice to see you without those veins in your temples throbbing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Cause you have really got your work cut out with him, haven't you? Look at the hair. You've got to do something. He's like fucking Swiss Toni. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah. Well, this is radio, Malcolm, but it's great to be getting this straight from you. Thanks. 
:'''Janice:''' Look, do you guys have to make so much noise? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Janice)'' I don't know if they told you this on your training day, love, but this is fucking soundproofed, that, they can't hear you. I mean, we're like Ted Moult to them. 
:'''Janice:''' Look, can you please get out? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No. Actually, we -- we are entitled to be in here. That lot, they should all be in here. All the political advisors should be in here. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm brings EVERYBODY into the Control Room!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I just want to add to the party atmosphere. I'm perfectly entitled to this. 
:''(While Malcolm is doing this, Stewart is reading a text message off of Janice's computer screen)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Gather round, everybody. There is a text here from Tim in Ruislip. This is what Tim's text says: &quot;Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition.&quot; 
:'''Richard:''' ''(in the studio)'' Can I just say to the listeners at home, I have no idea what's going on now. We're in a studio, there's another room next door... 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(pushing everybody out)'' We have to get out, right? Okay. Let's get, you know...
:'''Stewart:''' What do you reckon, Malcolm? It seems like a big issue to me. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not. We're going to move on to piercings. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' Janice, I'm sure in the interest of balance, you'll want to...
:'''Janice:''' Right, can you shut up, right? Malcolm's right, I decide what is news. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Absolutely. 
:'''Janice:''' And this is fucking news! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Bullshit! Right. See this here? ''(Malcolm goes to the &quot;Shut Down&quot; button.)'' You do it and I will press this fucking button. 
:'''Janice:''' Don't fucking threaten me! 
:'''Malcolm:''' This switch... 
:'''Janice:''' Richard, Tim in Ruislip. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You do that and I will...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Richard reads the text from &quot;Tim in Ruislip,&quot; which turns the whole Murray-Mannion debate on its' head.)'' 
:'''Richard:''' We've just received this text message from Tim in Ruislip...
:'''Stewart:''' ''(smiling)'' Ooh. She's actually put it through. 
:'''Richard:''' And he says, &quot;Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition.&quot; 
:''(Malcolm is very upset with Janice for sending Tim's text message through to Richard's computer in the studio.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's your fucking career over, right, OK, you're fucking dead. And those three little words, 'Tim in [[wikipedia:Ruislip|Ruislip]]', are the fucking nails in your coffin, dear. ''(imitates hammering)'' Tim. In. Ruislip. Tim in fucking Ruislip. And as for Tim in fucking –
:'''Janice:''' Yeah, okay, can you stop ''fucking saying that, please?''  
:'''Malcolm:''' – FUCKING, fucking Ruislip, he's fucking dead as well! That fucking texting coward. Give me his number. What's his fucking number? Give me the fucking number of Tim in Ruislip.
:'''Janice:''' ''(to her assistant)'' Erase it. Take it off the screen now.
:'''Malcolm:''' If you don't give me his fucking number, do you know what I'm gonna have to do? I'm gonna have to fucking go to fucking Ruislip, and fucking snap the thumb and forefinger off of every single person I see, who I think resembles the kind of wanker that would be walking around in this day and fucking age with a name like fucking Tim! How do you think that sounds, huh?
:'''Stewart:''' Quite, quite mad.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Stewart)'' You and I have to have a word. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice and her assistant)'' I think he wants me to step outside.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is bossing everybody around, acting like he's the President of the BBC.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the &quot;Piercings Man&quot;)'' Right. You're on, mate. Come on. Get in there now. I want you in there rattling your fucking jewelry and talking about your fucking Prince Albert. Come on. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Piercings Man)'' He doesn't actually work here. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to everybody else)'' Vamoose, you lot! Fucking vamoose! ''(to Piercings Man)'' Come on, Johnny fucking Depp. Get in here. 
:'''Piercings Man:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Get off! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking shove a fucking magnet down your throat and watch your fucking face implode! Get in there! 
:''(The Piercings Man comes into the studio)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Here he is. Piercings. In you go. Sit down there, son, no problem, go ahead. 
:'''Richard:''' Now, I assume you're here for the piercings debate...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm Tucker vs. Stewart Pearson: The Spin Doctor Showdown!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Here's the fucking thing. Nobody talks about fucking dodgy donors, okay? Because it makes everybody look bad. 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, I'll go with a different angle, then. How do you think it would land with your female voters if they were to find out that Tom Rudd forced his secretary into having an abortion? 
:'''Malcolm:''' That was her own personal choice, and by the way, it wasn't his. ''(whispers)'' Over here. 
:''(Malcolm and Stewart walk away from the studio)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Wow! So him paying for a private clinic, then, was just because he's such a nice man? 
:'''Malcolm:''' He IS a nice man. What about your nice man at Central Planning, eh? The one who got a bit carried away and fucking slapped his kids about a little bit too much? Fucking broke the skin! But he wasn't such a nice man, was he? But I suppose that's just part of your &quot;common sense checklist,&quot; yeah. All they need is a good slap and do please remember to leave your fucking rings on! 
:'''Stewart:''' You go check your facts, Malcolm. That was a domestic accident and nothing more. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Domestic accident, yeah, 'cause he's got fucking hands the size of fucking doors! 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, you want to talk about hardmen, Malcolm, yeah? Now I know you've got to be hard to be a chief whip, but really, coke dealing at university? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh! Please, please! 
:'''Stewart:''' Hey, am I right in thinking he's now godfather to one of the PM's kids, yeah? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, you know what I have got at the back of my fucking filing cabinet? I've got a fucking photograph that I've been waiting for a fucking ''rainy day'' to show everyone, which is a photograph of ''your'' fucking [[wikipedia:Shadow_Chancellor_of_the_Exchequer|Shadow Chancellor]], at one of his fucking parties, dressed up in fucking bra, suspenders, and fucking ''blackface!'' What's his defence gonna be, hey, when I email that to the fucking Sun? &quot;Oh, well I am just de Shadow Chancellor&quot;?
:'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, he won't have a defense, because you haven't got that picture...
:'''Malcolm:''' I have!   
:'''Stewart:''' Because that didn't happen! However, I do have a statement from a rent boy...
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, that's very useful for you. You can claim that against your expenses, can't you? 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, yeah, funny, very funny.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you'll get that for free. Is that one of the perks of your fucking job? 
:'''Stewart:''' No, listen. His statement says...he will swear that one of your prominent back-bench MPs paid him to sit on his chest! 
:'''Malcolm:''' DON'T! &lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Stewart actually reach a compromise.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, look, this is out of order, okay? 
:'''Stewart:''' Here's the deal. We both, both make statements saying that our guys in there, they were not in possession of all the facts. Hmm? But we're looking into it. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You'd do that? Hang your own guy out to fucking dry? 
:'''Stewart:''' What? Peter Mannion, MP? Yeah! Old guard? We're not sending him to DoSac to fatten him up. We're putting him out to pasture, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We should just go home. 
:'''Stewart:''' We can do that. We can just seal this in. Contain the toxicity. Chernobyl FM. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you carry on like this and I might not find you utterly fucking contemptible. 
:'''Stewart:''' That's an incentive. I'll get my bag. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm listens to the radio as he leaves in Nicola's car.)''
:'''Richard:''' Andrew in Suffolk writes, 'The body is a temple. Temples aren't made of metal. Case closed.'
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola's driver)'' You couldn't turn that to [[wikipedia:Magic_(Radio)|Magic FM]], could you mate? Otherwise I'm gonna have to tear my eyelids off and scrunch them up into fucking earplugs.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Phil:''' You just start off about how great the City used to be, then how it's not so great now, and then end with a joke. It's the classic shit sandwich, you know: bread, shit, bread!
:'''Peter:''' Phil, if anyone bites into a shit sandwich, they don't say, 'Mmm, bread!', they say, 'Oh fuck, I've got a mouthful of shit! ''(Janice the producer shoves him into the studio)'' You mental bastard! Why have you filled my sandwich with shi–'

== Series 3, Episode 6 ==
:''(This is the opening scene of this episode.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Morning, Ollie. How's your head? Like a bat shat in it at all?
:'''Ollie:''' No, I am, if anything, Glenn, I am hung-''under.'' First DoSAC party under the new regime, you lasted 'til, I'd say, seven? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I do have a life, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but only in the way that, you know, jellyfish or athlete's foot have a life. What was it last night, then? Candlelit annivorcery dinner for one? 
:''(Terri enters the scene carrying a large plant.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Morning. 
:'''Ollie:''' Hello. (Ollie's curious...) Terri, what actually are you up to? Are you still drunk? 
:'''Terri:''' No, I had to get in early anyway, because this BBC man's coming. 
:''(Ollie notices that Terri's wearing trainers!)
:'''Ollie:''' Are you wearing trainers? You ''ARE'' wearing trainers! 
:'''Terri:''' Yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' If Signal toothpaste made trainers, that's what they'd look like.
:'''Terri:''' Well, I don't see there's any...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(pointing at Terri's trainers)'' This color for healthy breath...
:''(Nicola enters the scene, and she's...a little hungover.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Morning, morning. 
:'''Terri:''' Do please let me...
:''(Terri helps Nicola by taking her suitcase.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Thank you very much. 
:'''Terri:''' Would you like me to take your coffee? 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. I'm clinging on to that for dear life, I tell you.
:'''Terri:''' Well, it will dehydrate you. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good-o. 
:'''Ollie:''' Mojito Murray, they now call her. You know, they had to install speed bumps at the bar. She's like Gazza at Euro '96. 
:''(Ollie mimics somebody getting drunk.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' I really love the division of labour in this place. I like the way the women do the heavy lifting and the men do the heavy sarcasm. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(While Nicola is conducting an interview with a BBC reporter regarding Nicola's launch of her Fourth Sector Initiative, Glenn and Ollie are discussing the Prime Minister's world tour.)''
:'''Ollie:''' So why is the PM doing this world tour thing? What's the point of that? I mean, he's not easy on the world stage, is he? He walks like his dick's made of glass, you know? Is it a Malc plan? 
:'''Glenn:''' Could be? Or, you know, Steve Fleming's back, it could be him. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, if he's back, it really is the end, isn't it? What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' You could be a Beefeater. Do you want to be a Beefeater? 
:'''Glenn:''' Don't you worry about me, Ollie. I've got contacts. 
:'''Ollie:''' What do you mean, &quot;Don't worry about me&quot;? Are you big in Japan or something? 
:''(Glenn gives Ollie a wide, sly smile.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' What? What's that smile for? Do you need winding? 
:''(And then, Glenn shares a BIG surprise with Ollie.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm going to stand in the election. 
:'''Ollie:''' (surprised indeed) Are you...Are you serious? 
:'''Glenn:''' I should hear later today whether or not I've got enough support for the Ilford East long list. 
:'''Ollie:''' Fucking hell. You on a massive poster. What's your slogan going to be? &quot;He's old and sullen, vote for Cullen.&quot; How about that? 
:'''Glenn:''' Actually...I'm pretty excited about this. 
:'''Ollie:''' Sort of hard to take on board. It's like being told your dad's gay or something. (Glenn laughs while Ollie continues) I am strangely really proud of you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's interview didn't go as well as she wanted it to, and now...Ollie's got some more bad news for her.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Right, so Ben Swain, the man you love to hate and love to sack, actually, is on his way up.
:'''Nicola:''' Oh great, I'm flypaper for dickheads today. Right, I'm gonna get out of this funeral suit and chisel off the first three inches of makeup. ''(leaves)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(seeing Ben arrive)'' Ah, the prodigal Swain returns.
:'''Ollie:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_10|Ben 10]], [[wikipedia:Menstrual_cycle|Benstrual cycle]], [[wikipedia:Born_on_the_Fourth_of_July|Ben on the Fourth of July]]!
:'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:Polly_Put_the_Kettle_On|Ollie Put the Kettle On]], [[wikipedia:On_the_Good_Ship_Lollipop|On the Good Ship Ollie-pop]], [[wikipedia:Auld_Lang_Syne|Oll-d Lang Syne]].
:'''Ollie:''' How are things going at the Department of [[wikipedia:Tony_Blair#Leader_of_the_Opposition|Education Education Education]]?
:'''Ben:''' They're going up the fuck-pump, Ollie, mainly because you are the Robin Hood of politics.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, Robin Hood was a hero.  
:'''Ben:''' No, he was not a hero, he was a terrorist. You're just stealing from the Education Department and pumping it out as a DoSAC idea. This Back On Track Policy that you launched at your little chimps' tea party last night? Well, that sounds very similar -- ''Very, very sim'' -- Almost identical in fact -- to my Unify Policy that I ''was'' working on here until I was booted out by Knicker-Face. Right, where is Jenni Murray? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. Well, she's -- I really wouldn't go in...
:''(Ben barges in on Nicola in her office -- while she's changing her clothes!)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' OH!
:'''Ben:''' JESUS! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. She's just been doing an interview there, Ben. 
:'''Ben:''' What? An interview for what? [[wikipedia:FHM|FHM]]? What's she done to her face? She looks like a pissed Aunt Sally. 
:''(Nicola comes out of her office, and Ben tries to apologize for his rudeness.)''
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ben)'' Yeah, I really...
:'''Ben:''' I'm very sorry again...
:'''Nicola:''' Let's not talk about it ever again. 
:'''Ben:''' I will forget...
:'''Nicola:''' Right. What do you want? 
:'''Ben:''' ...everything I've seen. Now, Back On Track, it is exactly the same as my Unify Initiative. I know you don't like me, you made that as clear as fish piss by kicking me out of here 10 nanoseconds after you arrived. 
:''(Ollie's cell phone has started ringing.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's calling. I thought he was supposed to be sluicing sand out of Tom's thong in Ibiza or wherever they've got to. 
:'''Nicola:''' He is, he's away. He's in Spain. Just ignore, ignore Malcolm. 
:'''Ollie:''' Ignore Malcolm?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, what can he do?
:''(Malcolm is entering the scene on his cell phone. As he enters, he's leaving an odd message on Ollie's cell phone.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, mate. Ollie, you're not answering your phone and I'm getting really, really worried that you hurt yourself. I just keep getting these terrible images flashing in my head, you know. Of you being stabbed repeatedly in the face. Or of you in a coma on a life-support machine, dreaming about being a gay policeman in the 1970s. 
:''(But then, Malcolm looks up to see Ollie. Alive and well.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, I can explain. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Thank God that you're safe. 
:''(But just as it looks like Malcolm's getting ready to hug Ollie, Malcolm rudely holds up a mock &quot;Peace&quot; sign and points to Ollie's phone.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, [[wikipedia:Zac Efron|Cack Efron]]. ''(Malcolm then notices Ben)'' What's Giant Gaystacks doing here? 
:'''Ben:''' Um, I'm here, Malcolm, because Nicola has been nicking my policies through Ollie. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Is this true, the Little Man in the Red and Yellow Car? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I've been told by Steve Fleming to think the unthinkable.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, listen, ''I'' am telling you to ''un''-think the unthinkable – Shit, you can't even cope with thinking the thinkable.
:'''Nicola:''' Why are you even here?
:'''Terri:''' (jogging her way towards Malcolm) Hello, Malcolm. Oh, you look a bit tired. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Yeah. You look incompetent. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, tired and a wee bit grumpy. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, actually, [[wikipedia:Lucille Ball|Lucille Ballbag]], I am here to prep Nicola here for her BBC interview. 
:'''Nicola:''' A bit late for that. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm has to restart the conversation with Nicola and Terri in Nicola's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, I fucking e-mailed you and I told you to move it to later, because I wanted to administer a preparatory fucking verbal cosh. Right? 
:'''Terri:''' Well...
:'''Malcolm:''' And there it is. (Malcolm is looking at the e-mail on his cell phone.) It didn't fuck -- It didn't fucking send! 
:'''Terri:''' Ah! 
:'''Malcolm:''' It didn't send, right? 
:'''Terri:''' There you go. You just owe me an apology, that's all. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (insulted) I'm sorry? 
:'''Nicola:''' That's the one. 
:'''Malcolm:''' That wasn't an apology. That was a &quot;pardon?&quot; I'm sorry. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Why aren't you on the Tom tour, by the way? 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, I heard Steve Fleming was on the tour. Hmm. Big beast. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Tiny fucking rodent, more like. He's part of the larger problem. 
:'''Nicola:''' Which is? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Have you been at Number 10 lately? Jesus, it's like the break-up of the Beatles, right? During the fall of the Roman Empire, while fucking [[wikipedia:Katie_Price|Jordan]]'s getting divorced from [[wikipedia:Peter_Andre|that bloke]]. All happening at the same time in a tiny fucking terraced house, yeah?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, people, listen up! It's a fucking lockdown, right now!
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, come off it! We're not in a prison drama, are we?
:'''Malcolm:''' We are in a prison drama and this is the fucking [[The Shawshank Redemption|''Shawshank Redemption'']], right? But with more tunnelling through shit and no fucking redemption.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that trainers that she's wearing? ''(to Terri)'' Are you wearing fucking train– You're supposed to be a civil servant, not a fucking playgroup assistant.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' It's like wet play, isn't it?
:'''Ollie:''' Hah!
:'''Glenn''' ''(playing chess over the phone, with a miniature chessboard)'': Queen to knight 4.
:'''Ben:''' I never had you down as a chess man, Glenn, I thought you might be more the kind to play Ludo or something.
:'''Glenn:''' Do you mind?
:'''Ben:''' Oh what, can you not multitask, [[wikipedia:Deep_Blue_(chess_computer)|Deep Beige]]? ''(He and Ollie laugh)''
:'''Glenn:''' What, check? Oh, fuck you!
:'''Ben:''' Well, you know, politics is like a game of chess, Glenn, insofar as you're shit at both of them.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his mobile)'': Nicola Murray is not going to make a leadership announcement this evening. Permission to speak frankly and off the record, yeah? She's an idiot. I ''know'' that she's in the Cabinet, but look, that's like being disabled at a football match, yeah? I mean, she's very close to the action, but hardly likely to score a goal. That – No! That – How is that offensive? That is a very fair and accurate portrayal of just how fucking retarded she is.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Are you emailing? Are you stirring this up? Is that why you came into DoSAC today: did you have a big bucket of shit and a whisk?
:'''Ben:''' No. ''(beat)'' Yes, a bit.
:'''Nicola:''' What are you saying?  
:'''Ben:''' Just, you know, 'Joan Rivers wants to be the new Prime Minister. Have a look at this clip of her online, staking her bid.'
:'''Nicola:''' You treacherous shit.
:'''Ben:''' Come on, it's not my fault you've dressed up like a dead geisha.
:'''Nicola:''' Why are you doing this?
:'''Ben:''' Because I'm bored, it's funny and – and I hate you. There you are, the holy trinity of why.
:'''Nicola:''' Do you know, talking to you is like talking to a fucking whoopee cushion!
:'''Terri:''' Right. Bit of good news. 
:'''Glenn:''' What?
:'''Terri:''' ''Two'' bits, actually. Um...
:'''Malcolm:''' Enough. Can we all just shut the fuck up, okay? So we can gather our thoughts. So, one at a time. [[wikipedia:Private_Godfrey|Private Godfrey]], get to your station. ''(Glenn runs to his desk)'' I want to hear what the word is on the street.
:'''Glenn:''' All right, ''(reporting from his computer)'' 'Ben has been seen coming into DoSAC but not going out. Possibly Ben is her running mate as number two in a leadership bid.'
:'''Ben:''' Hah! Right, I don't mind going out there now and telling them all face to face just how much I hate Nicola and how unlikely that is to happen, and get myself a sandwich, I'm fucking starving –
:'''Malcolm:''' What did I just fucking say, what did I just fucking say? I said one at a fucking time. Stand up. ''(Ben does not stand)'' I'm telling you to fucking stand up, you sack of fucking cum! Stand the fuck up! ''(Ben stands)'' Fucking move, right. ''(Malcolm grabs a keyboard)'' See that? Fucking play with that, right? Never mind your fucking toys, play with that. ''(Malcolm hands Ben the keyboard and pushes him)'' Go and stand in that fucking corner. ''Stand over there, right? And do not move, or I will perform a fucking living fucking autopsy on you! With a fucking rusty spade, and I'll have your kidneys for fucking CUFFLINKS!''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ben)'' See, you? Get me a fucking [[wikipedia:Curly_Wurly|Curly Wurly]], right?
:''(Shortly afterwards, Ben gives Malcolm a Curly Wurly.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a classic Curly Wurly I wanted. A Curly Wurly should be the size of a small ladder.
:'''Ben:''' Your hands have got bigger.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' That was utterly humiliating. For fuck's sake, Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Shouldn't that be 'of fuck's sake'?
:'''Nicola:''' I don't know what you're talking about.  
:'''Malcolm:''' May I just quote it to you? 'The Prime Minister is the right man ''for'' the moment.'
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. That's what you told me to say.
:'''Malcolm''': ''Of'' the moment, ''of'' the moment, I told you to say '&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''of'' the fucking moment': there's a huge difference between me saying to you, 'Nicola, I would like to go'' for'' a lovely walk with you', and 'Nicola, I would like to make a hat out'' of'' your fucking entrails!' ''(And then, Malcolm's cell phone rings. Again.)'' Excuse me. 
:''(Who's on Malcolm's cell phone NOW?)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Steven. ''(beat)'' Yes, well you can tell Tom right now that I'm fucking sweating embryos for him, okay? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ben:''' Look at this! Takeaway and a fight. All I need now is a handjob in a bus shelter, I've had the great British night out.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Jesus, you're about as on the ball today as a dead seal!
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, that's one of my fucking lines!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Terri, I thought we had a deal, right? When I need your advice I'll give you the special signal, which is me [[wikipedia:Involuntary_commitment_internationally#United_Kingdom|being sectioned under the fucking Mental Health Act]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' How fucking dare you. Have you any idea of the amount of pressure that has been exerted on my skull, huh? It feels like my brain has been fucking emptied into little packets, into fucking crisp packets. Cheese and onion fucking crisp packets, that contain my living, breathing, fucking brain!
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm, I'm really sorry, I –
:'''Malcolm:''' ''And these crisp packets'' – cheese and onion, smoky bacon – they've been stomped on. They've been fucking stomped on! By Ben, fucking Nicola –
:'''Terri:''' I didn't mean to be horrid –
:'''Malcolm:''' AND FUCKING YOU!  
:''(long silence)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Terri:''' ''I'm'' sorry.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' sorry.
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I'm over it, okay? Don't you apologise, don't you fucking apologise, you don't need to apologise. I love this place. I do! I mean, fucking compared to Number 10, this place, this place is fucking tranquil, yeah? Over there, 300 yards down the road, I mean it's like a fucking cancer ward: I mean, there are people in there, they're fucking screaming at each other. They're screaming, 'You gave me this fucking disease. You gave me this fucking disease!' And every corner that I turn, there's another threat, Terri: hacks! Hacks, fucking vampire hacks! And they're slaughtering us, Terri, THEY ARE FUCKING SLAUGHTERING US, AND THEY WANT MY FACE FOR A FLANNEL!
:'''Terri:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you know what? I used to be the fucking pharaoh, Terri, I used to be the fucking pharaoh! Now I'm fucking floundering in a fucking Nile of shit! But I am gonna fashion a paddle out of that shit. Yeah?
:'''Terri:''' Mmm. Good idea.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not going down. I am not going down. Yeah?
:'''Terri:''' ''(whispers)'' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' How are you feeling about things?
:'''Terri:''' Well, you know, I'm just trying to do my best and, you know, make sure I can still get home by six o'clock. Do you want a huggle?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I think – That's nice of you, I really appreciate it. Terri, it's been nice to have a chat, but I've gotta get on.
:'''Terri:''' Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Let's get back on track.
:'''Terri:''' Get back on track.
:''(both leave the room)''
:'''Malcolm:''' As they say, right?
:'''Terri:''' Funny to use that phrase.
:'''Malcolm:''' All righty-o, okay, Nicola, let's see you in your office, please.
:'''Ollie:''' What did he say?
:'''Terri:''' Dunno, it was all about ancient Egypt.
:'''Ollie:''' Ancient Egypt?
:'''Terri:''' Yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's Fourth Sector Initiative launch speech has bombed...and that's not the only thing that's bombed)''
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, sorry I missed it. Did it go well? 
:'''Nicola:''' Nope. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, uh, more good news. Um...I'm afraid my chances of becoming an MP have been torpedoed...by the U-boat that was you. The selection committee decided that my association with you was too divisive. 
:'''Ollie:''' The dream is over, eh? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm devastated. I had 500 quid on you being the new Foreign Secretary. 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, it's a great loss to regional politics, for sure. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' By flying so close to your bright Sun like Icarus, I have crashed to the Earth and died. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Ladies and Gentlemen, the dirty protest is now over; please mop up your shit and fuck off home.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Make sure fucking Nicola doesn't top herself, eh?
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, sure.
:'''Malcolm:''' Make sure that Ben does.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then?
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Really, have you really, you've got plenty of options, have you? ''(Glenn nods.)'' What are those options, let's see, you can't – you can't hold a golf sale sign because of your back, you can't be a prostitute 'cause your waterworks aren't up to it, you can't be a drugs mule, 'cause of your arse, that's too slack, isn't it, so what does that leave you with, you could be – Local weatherman would be perfect; or, er, you could run a whelk stall, how about that? You could be a dinner lady or a [[wikipedia:Speed_bump#Speed_bumps|sleeping policeman]], actually on the road: just lie down, let the cars – You could become one of those people who manipulates their cock and balls into funny shapes for the paying public, it would be nice for them to have a little run out. Or, you could just basically walk into a hospice, and wait to kark it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, Cack Efron. It's a coded message basically telling you that, if you ignore me or my fucking calls again, I'll fucking rip your head off, right? I'll fucking plant a palm tree in your neck, and I'll fuck you fucking tenderly in its shade!
:'''Ollie:''' I can tell you've been away, your threats are including palm trees now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ, [[Crosby, Stills &amp; Nash|Crosby, Still, Nash and fucking Young]] – Look at the lot of you, it's like walking into an installation at the [[wikipedia:Tate_Britain|Tate Gallery]] that everybody's forgotten about.

==Series 3, Episode 7==
:''(At the start of this episode, Nicola and her team are getting ready to launch DoSAC's Healthy Choices Campaign. The scene starts with a delivery man delivering big bottles of water.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to the delivery man, chuckling)'' Oh, that's great. Don't know why we've ordered so much water. We've all got rabies. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' So, basically, just get crisps shaped like rockets, rainbow-colored ice cream, you know the stuff that all the other kids have at their parties. 
:''(MORE big bottles of water!)''
:'''Glenn:''' (surprised) Blimey! More? What are we doing? Opening a dolphinarium?  
:'''Nicola:''' (off her phone) Good. Sorted. So...Sorry about that. Where were we? 
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, healthy eating. 
:'''Terri:''' Beneficial Lifestyle Choices. 
:'''Ollie:''' Get in! 
:'''Glenn:''' What?
:'''Ollie:''' (happily) I've just landed Andy Murray. 
:'''Nicola:''' YAY! That's brilliant! Andy Murray? 
:'''Ollie:''' I've definitely got Andy Murray! 
:'''Nicola:''' Andy Murray, the face of Healthy Choices. 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, all right. 
:'''Terri:''' The tennis player?
:'''Ollie:''' (sarcastically) No, the fucking pianist. 
:'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray ''NETS'' Andy Murray! 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, we both netted him together. 
:'''Terri:''' Are you sure you want him? 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, yeah! 
:'''Terri:''' Murray? ''(beat)'' Doesn't it sound like nepotism? 
:'''Nicola:''' (Not appreciating Terri's criticism) Like, in the way people think Russ and Diane Abbott are related? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Terri:''' Possibly.
:'''Glenn:''' And Bill Murray's her father? 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, I'll level with you. I don't like him. 
:'''Nicola:''' (annoyed) Who would you suggest then, Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' Paula Radcliffe. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''Pooey Paula?'' That's not healthy. Shitting in your own pants, that's definitely not a healthy image. 
:'''Glenn:''' She could demonstrate how to do the Hop, Shit and Jump.
:'''Terri:''' That is very unfair. It only happened once. 
:'''Ollie:''' Once is all you need! Imagine if Bruce Forsyth, beginning of ''Strictly Come Dancing...'' (Ollie pretends to poop) &quot;There we go!&quot; You'd never hear the end of that. And quite rightly! 
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, can we move on from your hatred of Andy Murray, and can we start trailing a major DoSAC initiative? Now, don't give any details at this stage. Just say it's major TBA. 
:'''Terri:''' TBA? 
:'''Nicola:''' To be announced. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, just...
:'''Nicola:''' It's really self-defeating if I have to explain abbreviations to you.
:'''Terri:''' Sure, sure...
:'''Nicola:''' FFS. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What's FFS? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Oh, we're gonna need Malcolm clearance, Ollie. Okay? ''(to Glenn)'' Glenn, can you get rid of all this water as well? It looks like something out of fucking [[wikipedia:Doctor Who|Doctor Who]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, Malcolm is at home serving Indian food to some journalists.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Here they come, it's the [[wikipedia:Flying_Scotsman|Flying Scots-curry-man]]. ''(sings)'' 'Where's your pappadam?' You have got to try this aubergine, it's cooked in [[wikipedia:Ghee|ghee]], right? I fucking love ghee, it's like fucking [[wikipedia:Free_base|freebasing]] butter. Have some more wine, come on, get quaffing. ''(mobile rings)'' Christ, here we go. ''(answers)'' No, we don't do takeaway, right? ''(all laugh, as Malcolm walks away)'' Listen, see, if this is recorded spam, I'm gonna hunt you down and burst your fucking lungs.
:'''Ollie''' ''(at his desk)'': Where actually are you, Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm on holidays!
:'''Ollie:''' ''Where'' are you on holiday, where?
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, OK, I'm in Thailand, in a sex spa. About to get a fucking facial.
:'''Ollie:''' Right, quick summary: [[Andy Murray]], famous tennis player, also lovely Scotch person, face of Healthy Lifestyle Choices. Nicola Murray, slightly panicky, er, minister-lady: wonder if that's OK with you?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah yeah, Andy Murray, yeah, Andy Pandy, fucking Gandhi having a hand-shandy, whatever, just, you know, fuck off out of my life, OK?
:'''Ollie:''' Okey dokey! ''(hangs up. To Nicola and Glenn)'' [[wikipedia:Del_Monte_Foods#Pop_culture_references|The man from Hell Monte, he say 'Fucking aye'!]]&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' (apologizing to his guests) Sorry about that. Everybody's heard about the cooking, so it's...
:'''Geoffrey:''' So, Malcolm, what's all this about?
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that these are hard times for print journalists, yeah? I mean, I read that on the internet. I mean, one day you're writing for the papers and the next you're sleeping under them.
:'''Marianne:''' What, so this is like Malcolm Tucker's Soup Kitchen? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it is, kind of, in a way. I just think that you should have one big square meal before you end up fucking living off white lightning in your own feces. Come on, get stuck in. I'll dish it up for you. 
:'''Marianne:''' What about Tom bringing back Steve Fleming? Kind of makes you old news, doesn't it? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' You repositioning yourself, Malcolm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is about a guy sharing his ghee. That's it. Okay? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' So you're not currying favor, then? 
:''(Marianna starts laughing at Geoffrey's joke.)''
:'''Marianne:''' (laughing) Sorry...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoffrey, jokingly)'' Fuck you. Get out of my house. Get out of my fucking house. That's it. I know...I mean, no wonder nobody's fucking buying your paper. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Nicola, Glenn, Terri and Ollie are still getting over Malcolm being on holiday.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' He's really on holiday? 
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm hasn't been on holiday for 10 years. 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's got to keep moving or he's dead. He's like a shark of [[wikipedia:Bob Dylan|Bob Dylan]]. 
:'''Terri:''' Well, who's driving the bus? 
:''(Steve Fleming enters the office and starts greeting the staff.)'' 
:'''Steve Fleming:''' Morning! Morning, DoSAC.
:'''Glenn:''' Oh.
:'''Nicola:''' Bollocky bollocks. It's the [[A Christmas Carol|Ghost of Christmas Shit]].
:'''Glenn:''' There's your answer, Terri: that's the man driving the bus, that's [[wikipedia:Reg_Varney|Reg bloody Varney]]. All stops to electoral oblivion, ding ding.
:'''Nicola:''' Get in my office, come on. It'll buy us a bit of time.
:''(They all do so, as Steve continues to move towards them.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Come on, have a look.
:'''Ollie:''' I've never seen Steve Fleming in the flesh.
:'''Nicola:''' You're lucky.
:'''Ollie:''' For a man who brought us back into power, he's not very imposing, is he? He's like a Lego policeman.
:'''Nicola:''' Look at him. Super Mario.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve joyfully enters Nicola's office with cups of coffee for her and her team.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Morning, campers! 
:'''Nicola:''' Steve Fleming! 
:''(Nicola and Steve shake hands, BUT...)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Oh, no. 
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. Oh! Okay...
:''(At Steve's insistence, he gives Nicola a HUG! Fun for Steve...but not so much for Nicola.)''  
:'''Steve:''' (happily) Hello, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Hi. 
:'''Steve:''' You look like you've lost some weight. 
:'''Nicola:''' (surprised) Do I? 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah! 
:'''Nicola:''' I don't think so, but...
:'''Steve:''' (very pleased) Oh, I think so, yes. No, your face looks quite gaunt. Muscly. 
:'''Nicola:''' Does it now? 
:'''Steve:''' Anyway, I come bearing caffeinated gifts. 
:''(Steve presents the cups of coffee, and the team is appreciative of his gesture. Then, Steve gets down to business.)''
:'''Steve:''' I'm gonna cut to the chase. I need you to publish...all the crime stats since 2004 as an accompaniment to our Transparent Government launch. From 2004 up to the last quarter. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, we are just about to launch, um, Healthy Choices. ''With'' Andy Murray. 
:'''Steve:''' Andy Murray! Whoa! (Steve mimes a tennis volley.) Ace! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Steve)'' Good joke. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' We'll make a Minister of you yet. 
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, after that, we can try and get you something for, say, end of the week? 
:'''Steve:''' After? Why after? Why not right alongside? Or, here's a thought...Before.
:'''Nicola:''' Because we're under-resourced and it's not a priority. 
:'''Steve:''' The PM thinks it is a priority. It can be done. ''(beat)'' Oh, I seem to have reached the end of my argument. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay. Well, look, um, why don't we say Thursday lunchtime. Okay? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, you've got Fran's leaving lunch on Thursday. 
:'''Nicola:''' I have got a lunch. Thursday afternoon. 
:'''Steve:''' (still smiling) Yes, I don't give a fuck about Fran's leaving lunch. I'm saying ''Now now now now now now now now. Now!'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay. Chillax. We're on the case, Steve. 
:'''Steve:''' Lovely. Thank you very much. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good. Okay. Well, it's a delight to see you again. 
:'''Steve:''' Oh! 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, I get another one. 
:''(Another awkward hug between Steve and Nicola.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' (jokingly) Mind my gaunt face. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to the whole team)'' Bye-bye.
:'''Nicola's team:''' Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(After their first meeting with Steve Fleming...)''  
:'''Ollie:''' What do you call that? Obsessive Repulsive Disorder, I would say.
:'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna ring Malcolm. Holiday or no holiday, I'm gonna ring Malcolm about this.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(impersonating Steve)'' 'Caffeinated gifts!'
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm never brought us coffee. I like him.
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, well you like bath salts, you're basically an idiot.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at Malcolm's house with the journalists...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So everybody's for coffee, yeah? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm sorry I can't do espressos. But I've made this so thick and black, it'll be like fucking drinking plimsolls. 
:'''Marianne:''' This Steve Fleming thing is gonna end in tears, isn't it? I mean, you sacked him last time. 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right. Right. Okay. Off the record. Right? Okay? While Steven is a useful tool, and I do emphasize the word &quot;useful&quot; here, I'm still running the show. Right? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' If you're still running the show, why do you need to tell us? 
:''(Malcolm calmly -- but still menacingly -- walks up to Geoffrey, with the pot of coffee still in his hand.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (calmly) Geoffrey, all I'm saying is this: It would be very much fucking appreciated if you could emphasize the fact that I'm at the heart of the government. Because it's fucking true. I am the heart. I am the ventricles. And the fucking aorta. 
:'''Marianne:''' (chuckling) Malcolm, we get it. You're still the star of the show. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not for me to say, darling. 
:'''Geoffrey:''' No, you're still the star of the show. Yeah, until they start wheeling out the celebrities. What's next, Malcolm? Ant and Dec as the new fucking litter tsars? That's when you know you're 20 points behind in the polls. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well, thank you very much, Mr. Fucking Prick Robinson. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's getting a phone call from a certain someone...)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Nicola, it's your nephew on the phone.
:'''Nicola:''' What?
:'''Terri:''' Your nephew. Andy Murray. 
:'''Nicola:''' (Very excited) Fuck! On the line, now? ''OH, MY GOD! It's Andy Murray on the line!'' What line? 
:'''Terri:''' Press two. 
:'''Nicola:''' He's not there, Terri! Fuck's sake! 
:'''Terri:''' Maybe it was three. 
:'''Nicola:''' God, it drives me insane! Is he there now? 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, yeah. Hang on, let me just get him off hold. 
:'''Nicola:''' It really pisses me off! The fucking phones in this whole -- Andy! Hello! It's Nicola Murray, yes! What a delight to talk to you! 
:''(While NICOLA Murray's chatting on the phone with ANDY Murray, Ollie gets a call on his cell phone from Malcolm.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Hi, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Andy Murray. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, good. We are literally confirming him as we speak. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ditch him. We can't go with celebrities. Right? It's just gonna look bad. 
:'''Ollie:''' Why? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We're gonna look desperate, all right? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, uh...Steve Fleming likes the idea. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Never mind what Mummy says. Just do what Daddy says, right? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, whilst you're on, um, just, um...there's another thing. Uh, Mummy has asked us to publish the crime stats as part of the Transparent Government initiative. Is that all right with Daddy?
:'''Malcolm:''' It's fine. 
:'''Ollie:''' Really? Because, um, Nicola's got that baffled, panicky look like a child on the ghost train. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Give me a second while I look up my little file of things I really don't give a fuck about. And here we have under the letter N, we've got &quot;nail-bombing golf clubs,&quot; there is, uh, the National Trust, there is Newcastle...Nicola Murray. Yes. She's still there. So fucking can Andy Murray and just get on with the fucking crime stats. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(still on the phone with Andy)'' I'll make sure Kate liaises with my press whiz kid, uh, Terri Coverley. She's a woman. But listen, if there is anything else we can do for you, ''please'' don't hesitate to call. Dare I say it, we are ''here to serve'', (laughing) if you'll excuse the pun. All right, Andy. Take care. Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(But now, Ollie has to give Nicola the bad news...)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm says we have to drop him. 
:'''Nicola:''' (in disbelief) What? 
:'''Ollie:''' Andy. He's not in, he's now out. Apparently, according to Malcolm, sent to bed without any barley water. 
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, he's a fucking tennis player! We're not asking Shane MacGowan! ''Why?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' It's nothing personal. He just said bringing in celebrities looks desperate. He said it's the sign of a dying government. 
:'''Nicola:''' We are a dying government! Our hair's falling out, and we're coughing up blood, and our kids are asking us to change the will! 
:'''Ollie:''' Look, he was quite clear about this. He said just, you know, kill it. Kitten, breeze block, sack, canal. 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, I can imagine him being clear about it. Right. We've gotta get on to -- ''(to Terri)'' ''You've'' gotta get on to...
:'''Terri:''' Me? 
:'''Nicola:''' ...Andy Murray's people and find a polite way of saying, &quot;Piss off, Andy. Apparently, you're too well-known to front our public awareness campaign.&quot; 
:'''Terri:''' Right. 
:''(But Glenn has some GOOD news on the crime stats.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Right! Good news is I have done all that pile and that's in the system. 
:'''Ollie:''' Excellent. 
:'''Glenn:''' (stretching his back) Oh, fuck me! 
:''(But then, Glenn sees a trolley-full of more crime stats headed his way!)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''What the hell's THIS?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' It appears to be a trolley-full of crime stats. 
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;Vandalism?&quot; &quot;Bicycle theft?&quot; Oh, this is ridiculous! 
:''(And just when he says THAT, Glenn kicks open a box of crime stats!)''
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that's given us an unexpected head start, well done. I would kill you but I'd have to add you to the fucking figures.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Think about what you're gonna say. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah. Okay, I've done that. 
:'''Nicola:''' What? Already? Is that enough time? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Kate. Hello. Uh, Terri Coverley. Yes. Yeah, we're thrilled about Andy being on board. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Get on with it. 
:'''Terri:''' (stammering) No. I'm not actually saying that it's...
:''(Nicola then sees Steve Fleming entering the room. Again.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' (still whispering) Shit! End the call. End the call. It's Mustache Sally. Fleming! Steve Fleming's here! Put the phone down! 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ah, Nicola Murray! How are the crime stats coming along? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's not easy, Steve, as you can see. But Glenn and Ollie are on top of it. 
:'''Ollie:''' &quot;Other theft?&quot; What the fuck is other theft? 
:'''Glenn:''' I don't know what other theft is. 
:'''Steve:''' If you want to stay late, or pull an all-nighter, if you think it'd help –
:'''Glenn:''' You want us to work all through the night on this?
:'''Steve:''' It would be very much appreciated upstairs.
:'''Ollie:''' Hah, well: I'm an atheist.
:'''Steve:''' ''(laughs)'' By the Prime Minister. I did get the joke, by the way.
:'''Ollie''' ''(mouthing)'': Well done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is back from holiday in this scene, and he's having a warm and friendly chat with his loyal assistant, Sam.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (happily) Good morning, good morning, good morning! I'm back! I'm sorry I left my sombrero at home, but here I am. What do you think of the tan, huh? What do you think of this shade? I call it &quot;Custard Cancer.&quot; (Malcolm gets a delivery.) Oh, thank you very much. 
:'''Sam:''' Where did you go? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I went to, um, Easter Island. I thought I'd spend my time there re-chiseling all the statues, so that they'd look like Westlife. How about a coffee? 
:'''Sam:''' Oh, I've sent you a link to Andy Murray's website. There's, uh, something you should see. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's website? 
:''(While Sam leaves Malcolm's office to get him a cup of coffee, Malcolm reads about the big news on Andy Murray's website...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy says, &quot;Just agreed to lead the government's Healthy Choices campaign. Eat, live, be well.&quot; Fuck a Pot Noodle. 
:''(Uh-oh...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, prepare my horse. I ride – to DoSAC!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Hello, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' Morning, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Who am I, Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' You're Nicola? Nicola Murray? 
:''(Nicola nods her head &quot;Yes.&quot;)''
:'''Terri:''' Ah. Secretary of State for...
:'''Nicola:''' That's right. I'm Secretary of State. So why has a sports personality launched my policy on his fucking website? 
:'''Terri:''' Ah! No, I know. I know exactly why that is. 
:'''Nicola:''' You didn't make the phone call, did you? 
:'''Terri:''' Well, uh, yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' Nicola, um, in other really bad news -- Good morning, by the way. 
:'''Glenn:''' (on the phone) This is about the crime stats, yeah? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, some of the crime stats that we published, as it turns out, were unverified and not ready for being in the public domain. Uh, Marianne Swift from ''The Mail...''
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, Swine-Face Swift. 
:'''Ollie:''' That's the one. She noticed, uh, a drop in the figures for aggravated burglary in the last quarter. Whereas when she checked it out...
:'''Nicola:''' There was no drop. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Right. So Swine-Face Swift and her piggy hack-hog colleagues...
:'''Ollie:''' Exactly. So we're getting a lot of, uh, oinking on the phones. So basically what that means is that the department -- well, essentially the royal you, um, seem to have massaged the crime figures. 
:'''Nicola:''' Great. Thank you, Steve fucking &quot;Ew, Nicola!&quot; Fleming! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yup. He is a fucking...ninny, isn't he?
:'''Nicola:''' Bring my dispatch boxes. 
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is, [[wikipedia:Bob_Carolgees|Bob Carolgees]]; how's the wee comedy dog?
:'''Steve:''' Welcome back. Good holiday? I hear your kitchen's lovely at this time of year.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well actually, I went to Spain.
:'''Steve:''' Oh, nice.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah, I went to Malaga, it was lovely. I was golfing with [[Stephen Hawking]], he's fucking shit. He lied about his handicap. Mind you, I never had to hire a golf buggy, I just sat in his lap.
:'''Steve:''' Please. Why do we have to be like this? All this negative energy. Come on! 
:'''Malcolm:''' What?
:'''Steve:''' Well, we've got to work together. So, you know...
:'''Malcolm:''' So what? I mean, that doesn't mean we have to like each other, does it? 
:'''Steve:''' No, I mean...
:''(Someone's trying to get past Malcolm and Steve.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the passer-by)'' Sorry. (He politely lets him pass through.) 
:'''Steve:''' We both know we don't like each other, everyone knows that, we are the Gallagher brothers of politics.
:'''Malcolm:''' How does that work? Does that mean that I'm [[Noel Gallagher|the semi-talented songwriter]] and you're [[Liam Gallagher|the fucking loutish prick]]? That's a lovely analogy.
:'''Steve:''' You were the one who forced me out of the sodding band. ''(chuckles)'' Come on, let's have a chat.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Steve continue their unfriendly chat in an office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You were asked to leave the fucking band. And you wouldn't fucking go, would you? You had to hang on in there, like a [[wikipedia:Limpet|limpet]] up a whale's arse.
:'''Steve:''' Why do you thrive so much on being disliked?
:'''Malcolm:''' People hate me? Good! Bring it on. Do you know what they say about you?
:'''Steve:''' I'm sure you're going to tell me, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you ''exactly'' what people think about you!
:'''Steve:''' All right, go on then!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Fuck-all!!''
:'''Steve:''' Oh, do they? ''FUCK-ALL?''
:'''Malcolm:''' People have ''no'' fucking opinion about you! You're like fucking [[wikipedia:Special K|Special K]] or fucking the Moody Blues. That's you, fucking white noise in the background—Funny? Is that funny? Do you find that funny?
:'''Steve:''' No, I don't find anything you're saying funny whatsoever. And I'll tell you a home truth, Malcolm Tucker: The people who are really hated in this country, the people who are really hated, are us. This government. How about we stand together? Let's both be team players, shall we? 
:''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone beeps.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Were you the Einstein that OK'd this fucking Andy Murray thing at DoSAC? Because I've got ''The Telegraph'' on here. (Steve's cell phone then beeps.) And you've probably got ''The Times'' asking why the budget's been pre-announced on Twitter by fucking Ryan Giggs. 
:'''Steve:''' (looking at his cell phone) Shit! &quot;The last quarter's crime stats, which DoSAC have published, are unconfirmed projections.&quot; Shit! 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's DoSAC for you. 
:'''Steve:''' Come on, Malcolm. Team players!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Bring me sunshine.
:''(Both men leave the office.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at DoSAC, Glenn, Ollie &amp; Terri are on their desk phones, trying to get a better handle on the news of the moment.)''
:'''Glenn:''' (on his phone) No, we're not manipulating the figures. Somebody quite simply made a mistake. No. No, I couldn't possibly say who. 
:'''Ollie:''' (on his phone) Glenn Cullen. Glenn with one, one N. 
:'''Terri:''' (on her phone) We have actually decided to go in a different direction from Andy. 
:''(Steve and Malcolm have entered the room, both making a beeline for Nicola's office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Good holiday? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you fucking hairdresser. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Got any photos? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got a photo of you in a minute with your cock nailed to the desk. Hey, you want to see something that's truly worth photographing? Look at Steve Fleming at work, eh? That's the real master of spin. He's [[wikipedia:Jimi Hendrix|Spinny fucking Hendrix]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Steve &amp; Malcolm are confronting Nicola in her office...much to Nicola's dismay...)''
:'''Steve:''' Nicola, you and your department have screwed up!
:'''Malcolm''' ''(entering)'': I'd like to agree with the previous speaker, only adding the words 'fucking royally'.
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Jesus, am I being gang-bollocked?
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's [[wikipedia:Tim_Henman|Henman]]-fisting us in the press. We can't have that –
:'''Steve:''' Well, with undue respect, Malcolm, the crime stats cock-up is a much bigger deal.
:'''Nicola:''' This is such a great double act, isn't it? Good Cock, Bad Cock!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you what, why don't you go first, mate? I need a wazz. ''(leaves)''
:'''Steve:''' I like you, Nicola, I quite like you. But darling, I've gotta ask you, what the bloody hell happened?
:'''Nicola:''' Like you asked, we published the crime figures from 2004 up to the last quarter.
:'''Steve:''' Yes, up to the last quarter but not up to and ''INCLUDING the last quarter, you dozy mare!''
:'''Nicola:''' 'Up to' includes the thing you're going up to. Right? If you say count up to 20, it means count up to ''and include'' the number 20!
:'''Steve:''' The events leading up to the Second World War do ''not'' include the Second World War!
:'''Nicola:''' We haven't got time for a semantic argument about this.
:''(Malcolm returns.)''
:'''Steve:''' Listen, sweetheart –
:'''Nicola:''' ''Do not'' fucking call me sweetheart!
:'''Malcolm:''' I think you'll find that Steve was addressing me: the 'tache is a bit of a giveaway.
:'''Steve:''' I will draft a statement.
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking will not draft any fucking statement!
:'''Steve:''' I've been minding the shop!
:'''Malcolm:''' You were fucking minding the shop, and what happened? A bunch of fucking schoolkids came in and fucking dropped their trousers and fucking had a shit in aisle 5!
:'''Steve:''' Well thank you for giving us a guided tour around the Freudian nightmare of your head!
:'''Nicola:''' Could you two decide between you in which order, and from which direction, I'm gonna be shafted?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Steve are playing a &quot;Tug of War&quot; of sorts for Nicola's attention.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ignore him. Just come with me. Come into my office. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Let's deal with the crime stats...
:''(But Malcolm successfully brings Nicola into his &quot;office...&quot; and shuts Steve out.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' (knocking on the door) Come on. Malcolm. Malcolm. MALCOLM! (Steve starts laughing uncomfortably) Sorry about this, everybody. 
:''(Malcolm is happy to shut out Steve, but he's still visibly annoyed.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Goodbye. Give my regards to the rest of the fucking Village People. 
:''(But then, Terri knocks on the office door.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' (outside the door) Sorry, Nicola, Mal--um, excuse me. It's Andy Murray. He's-he's insisting on talking to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Talk to him. 
:'''Nicola:''' What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get him back on board. Fucking talk to him. 
:'''Nicola:''' NO! 
:'''Malcolm:''' (whispering) Yes. 
:'''Nicola:''' You cannot be serious! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Was that an attempt at a joke? 
:'''Nicola:''' You told me to kill it! I've killed it!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right now, some photos in the papers of a very boring man with tight white shorts on is gonna be a very pleasant distraction from Steve's fucking crime stats abortion. 
:'''Nicola:''' If we need a fucking celebrity, can we try somebody else? Steve Redgrave. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a boring fuck! 
:'''Nicola:''' Lewis Hamilton. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fucking boring, boring fuck. And fucking drives a car. 
:'''Nicola:''' Chris Boardman. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fucking cyclist! Are you fucking mental? ''Everybody'' hates cyclists! Even fucking cyclists hate fucking cyclists! Plus, ''he's'' a boring fuck! 
:'''Nicola:''' I cannot...
:'''Terri:''' (''still'' outside the office) Paula Radcliffe? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, she shat in the street! 
:'''Malcolm:''' And she's a boring fuck as well. 
:'''Nicola:''' How about we just launch the policy without a celebrity? 
:'''Malcolm:''' (sarcastically) Oh, great idea. &quot;Hello, there. Hi, everyone. I, Nicola Murray, would like to say to you that even though you don't fucking know me from fucking Adam, I think you should cut down on carbs.&quot; 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Steve is trying to turn a negative into a positive. He wants to get Glenn and Ollie to fix the crime stats crisis.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Lads, let's get this crime stats cock-up sorted. What have you both got so far? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, actually, now we've been trying to think of a replacement for Andy Murray. Some of the women footballers...uh, Jessica Clark, or Sue Smith. Or Faye White. 
:''(Steve's starts smiling, but he's getting annoyed.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' I ''cannot believe'' the energy going into Andy Murray! (Starts laughing again) I can't! 
:''(Steve starts leaving DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What's his problem.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is talking on his cell phone while heading to his office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Just try and wrap your gin-addled brain about this, right? I ''did'' say I was at the heart of government. But when...
:''(Steve Fleming is already in Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (on his phone) Excuse me. 
:'''Steve:''' I need to talk to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Steve)'' One second, please. ''(back to his phone)'' Listen, when that...When that incident occurred, I was on holiday. Are you saying to me that my wee caravan's a great fucking waste of time? And my stupid fucking wing mirror extensions? 
:'''Steve:''' (pointing to the TV) The crime stats and Andy Murray, Malc. It's a double fault. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering a knock at his door)'' Listen, if you are not a prostitute or a pizza guy, fuck off! ''(to Steve)'' Steve, listen, could you eat or fuck whatever's at the door on your fucking way out, please? ''(to a colleague)'' No thanks. ''(back on his phone)'' How can I be held responsible? What, for what? I've created a what around the government? I've created a vibe? Listen, son, the only fucking vibe you have to worry about is the one that your wife hides in her knicker drawer. ''(back to Steve)'' I am on top of this, okay? 
:'''Steve:''' Oh, fine, fine. You know, I'm just saying I'll gladly lend you a hand if you feel the need to keep your head down. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't need to keep my head down, because unlike yourself, I don't give blowjobs to truckers. 
:''(Another knock at Malcolm's office door...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I SAID FUCK OFF! 
:''(The door opens, and -- SURPRISE! It's Julius Nicholson!)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's Lord Nicholson! What an enormous pleasure this is! 
:'''Julius:''' (with a big smile) Well, in fact, it's, um, the Right Honorable the Lord Nicholson of Arnage. And the kissing of feet may commence! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You got all your stuff ready for your official lording ceremony? Have you got your mink thong and your ermine colostomy bag? 
:'''Julius:''' No, I don't, no. I have to hire that, unfortunately. I can't wear it on the Tube or the bus, but I would. It would be great larks, but there we go. 
:'''Steve:''' How about a coffee? Coffee? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, um, if there's coffee going, I'd never say no to a nice cup of coffee. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you not drink coffee anymore? Is it all port and swan's blood these days? 
:'''Julius:''' Swan's blood. That does sound nice. No, I'm just sort of passing through, because obviously we need to start booting up this crime stats inquiry. But it's in effect an investigation into the facts. But I thought since I was passing through...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but you don't have to talk to me about that, do you? 'Cause I was on my holidays then. Did you get my postcard? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, I will speak to whomsoever I need to speak to, holiday or no holiday? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Where did you learn to speak like that? Is there a special school that's just you and Brian Sewell went to? 
:'''Julius:''' I'm gonna leave you to it, frankly. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So soon? 
:'''Steve:''' And I'm gonna make tracks as well, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, good to see you both. 
:''(But just before Steve leaves...)''
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm, softly)'' The problem is that you are shifting from the man people love to hate to the man people just hate. From [[wikipedia:Simon Cowell|Simon Cowell]] to [[wikipedia:Piers Morgan|Piers Morgan]]. 
:'''Malcolm:''' See you later, and remember, my door's always open. 
:''(And when Steve leaves, Malcolm throws part of the bagel sandwich he was eating onto the door in disgust.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Ollie are reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I had no idea, no idea that it was Malcolm who drafted Fleming's resignation letter in 2003.
:'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of [[The Economist]].
:'''Ollie:''' Hey! There's a reference to you here, Cullen.
:'''Glenn:''' Where?
:'''Ollie:''' 'Alleged to have assaulted an elderly aide at a party conference.'
:'''Glenn:''' Elderly aide?
:'''Ollie:''' Elderly aide.
:'''Glenn:''' God, that makes me sound like a fucking stairlift!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm sees Nicola outside his office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, [[wikipedia:Dora the Explorer|Dora the Explorer]].
:'''Nicola:''' (sighing) Still here, then, Malcolm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Time for a milky drink? Come on. Come on in. I wanna have a word with you.
:''(Nicola reluctantly comes into Malcolm's office...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go. How was Cabinet? Was it good? Is Tom looking after you? 
:'''Nicola:''' You're all over the newspapers like a pissing puppy, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think you'll find that's what we masters of the dark arts call a blip. Tomorrow that will all be old news. It'll be like the fucking [[wikipedia:The War of the Roses|War of the Roses]]. Or [[wikipedia:AIDS|AIDS]]. Remember AIDS? Listen, Nicola, see that? Did Julius mention to you about his inquiry? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' The inquiry into the whole fucking crime stats cock-up? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know the phone call that came through to me from your office? You know, about the whole idea? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It didn't happen, right? 
:'''Nicola:''' You want me to cover your back?
:'''Malcolm:''' I want you to get the old inquiry screen out and slap it on, fucking factor 50, why not? Listen, I'll tell you what. This is what I'll do. I will get for you some really good press attention for your fucking Healthy Choices nonsense. How about that? I'll get you some big fucking healthy headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' You're in no position to give me anything. You're not -- you can't even get a fucking bagel cleaned up off your door. Do you mind? 
:''(Nicola gets ready to leave Malcolm's office, but he's still trying to talk to her.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? Do you think I can't get it up anymore? Is that it? You're looking at fucking Lazarus, sweetheart. And not just plain Lazarus. I'm fucking self-raising Lazarus, right? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm has organised positive press coverage of DoSAC's Healthy Lifestyles policy)''
:'''Glenn:''' Well done Malcolm.
:'''Ollie:''' He's very impressive, isn't he? In the way that, you know, [[Mao Zedong|Chairman Mao]] was actually quite impressive.
:'''Glenn:''' Well that's the thing about the evil, isn't it, their amazing work ethic.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' How are the hacks?
:'''Steve:''' Ready to eat their own cocks.
:'''Malcolm:''' They're only journalists, Steve, not fucking [[wikipedia:Rangers_F.C.|Rangers]] supporters.
:'''Steve:''' I know they are.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, I need 10 minutes. I need to google some jokes about Andy Murray. 
:'''Steve:''' Shall I go first?
:'''Malcolm:''' Warm them up. Tell them [[wikipedia:Laurence Olivier|Olivier]] is on his way, but in the meantime, here's an audience with [[wikipedia:Peter Bowles|Peter fucking Bowles]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(A short time later, Malcolm spots Julius again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is. Screaming Lord Crutch. I like the flunkies, by the way. That's a very nice touch. It's a wee bit [[wikipedia:Graham Norton|Graham Norton]]. 
:'''Julius:''' Don't needle me, Malcolm. Not when people are under scrutiny.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' under scrutiny? 
:'''Julius:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm fucking Nosferatu. That's really fucking scary. 
:'''Julius:''' (unimpressed) I'm walking on. We're moving on. I'm Ian Botham. I'm walking on for hospice care. 
:''(And then, Malcolm sees Nicola...and he sneaks over to her when nobody's looking.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' How's it going with Lord Bonnie Longford? 
:'''Nicola:''' I've not been in yet. I've just been standing here for 20 minutes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So IF this phone call does come up...
:'''Julius''' (Seeing what Malcolm's up to) No! No, that's not...
:'''Nicola:''' You're nothing if not persistent, are you, Malcolm? 
:''(Julius breaks up the conversation.)''
:'''Julius:''' Don't do that! I made it quite clear... 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' I was standing over there and I thought, &quot;Nicola's choking.&quot; But she wasn't. She was laughing, retrospectively, at your massive shiny head. ''(to Steve)'' Oh, what happened? Did you get heckled off? What was the line? &quot;Taxi for [[Tom Selleck]]!&quot;
:'''Steve:''' Yeah. Could I have a quick word? Just...just five minutes. 
:''(Steve takes Malcolm into the office to have a private chat.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' So, Malcolm, mate. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What is it? What's...What's the problem? You look like you fucking coughed up your own twin. 
:''(An awkward silence...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, no...I need to talk to Tom. 
:'''Steve:''' No, Tom isn't immediately available to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. 
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm, the Prime Minister respects you enormously. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (on his cell phone) Sam, get a hold of Pat, right...
:''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone shuts off.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Actually, I'm gonna need that. That's an official Blackberry. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (answering a door knock) Fuck off! 
:''(Julius enters the office.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right. Your five minutes starts now. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Julius)'' This is an acutely private moment, Julius. Would it seem terribly rude if I asked you to ''shit off'' for five minutes? 
:'''Julius:''' Yes, it would. 
:''(And now, Nicola enters the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Can you fuck off as well? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius, what -- ''(to Malcolm)'' Sorry, excuse me? ''(back to Julius)'' Julius, what is the deal? 
:'''Julius:''' At ''the moment'', Malcolm is getting ''The Sack.'' 
:'''Nicola:''' (stunned) Shit. Now? Literally? I mean, in -- I'm actually in the sacking? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Yeah, well, let's see what the fucking Prime Minister has to say about that! Huh? Let's see what he has to say! 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Listen to me a minute! The Prime Minister supports you fully in whatever you decide to do next. 
:''(Steve presents Malcolm with a pen and paper, in effect asking for his resignation.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You. Fucking Nicola. Right, tell them. Fucking tell them that there was no fucking phone call. ''(beat)'' Speak! I fucking ask you, speak! Open Sesame! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not, I'm not here, Malcolm. I'm not...
:'''Malcolm:''' You are fucking here! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not seeing this. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Open your fucking mouth for once and say something!
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not getting involved. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking speak! You've always fucking got something to say! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm only a Cabinet Minister! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off, then! 
:''(Nicola runs out of Number 10.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Malc, Malc –
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking touch me!
:'''Steve:''' Come on, Malc!
:'''Malcolm:''' You cannot fuck me! You cannot fuck me! I am unfuckable! I have never been fucked! And if you fucking try and fuck me, you'll find my fucking arse will fucking grow fucking fangs! 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah, all right, now come and listen to me! Will you listen to me –  
:'''Malcolm:''' And fucking snap your fucking cock off –
:'''Steve:''' MALCOLM TUCKER, WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME?!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead. Yeah, let's hear it, let's hear it.
:'''Steve:''' Listen to me for one second.
:'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead.
:'''Steve:''' I wouldn't tell ''you'' what I've just told you ''before'' I'd told the press pack, would I? That would be very very unprofessional. So there's no point in getting angry because the show's over. It's curtains. No curtain call. Everyone ''loved'' the show, but it just wasn't ''buttering'' any ''parsnips'' ANYMORE, BROTHER!
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. You don't have the fucking balls, apart from that great inflated fucking ball on the fucking end of your fucking neck. 
:'''Steve:''' (looking at the TV behind Malcolm) Ooh, look. Oh...
:''(Malcolm's resignation is now the big story on BBC News.)''
:'''Steve:''' (whispering softly) &quot;Malcolm Tucker resigns...&quot; Looks pretty factual to me. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck this. Fuck this. Fuck you all. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is now chasing himself into Steve's office!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get back to fucking ''[[wikipedia:The Wind in the Willows|Wind in the Willows]]'', 'cause that's where you fucking belong! 
:'''Steve:''' I didn't ask you to -- I didn't ask you to come back in. Would you leave my office, please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not fucking gonna waste my breath on you. 
:''(And now, Malcolm is marching his way towards Julius! Yelling and cursing along the way!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' As for you... 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I am sick to death -- You can explain --
:''(Malcolm puts his hands on Julius and pins him up against a door!)'' 
:'''Julius:''' Don't TOUCH me, Malcolm! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking touch you if I like! 
:'''Julius:''' Because I'll tell you this, man! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You'll tell me WHAT? 
:'''Julius:''' YOU shafted me, boy! 
:''(Julius fights back and puts his hand on Malcolm!)'' 
:'''Julius:''' I'll fucking strike you, Malcolm! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't you fucking touch me! 
:'''Julius:''' I warn you! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't touch that scarf! That's Paul Smith! Twat! ''(to somebody else)'' MOVE! 
:''(Malcolm is finally leaving Good Ol' Number 10.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' YOU WILL SEE ME AGAIN! (Malcolm heads towards the door.) You will fucking see me again! ''(He leaves Number 10.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Marianne Swift:''' So all this is homemade, is it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it is! Look, I mean, this is going to be like [[wikipedia:Jamie_at_Home|Jamie at Home]], right, except I'm not going to be bouncing around spouting Cockney drivel out of my fat, lisping, ox face.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(thinking about options other than Andy Murray for the Healthy Eating launch)''
:'''Terri:''' What about [[wikipedia:Lynda_Bellingham|Lynda Bellingham]]?
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, that'd be convincing, 'Eat less salt', says [[wikipedia:Oxo_(food)#Marketing|the dancing Oxo lady]], good idea. No one from [[wikipedia:Calendar_Girls_(play)|the stage show of Calendar Girls]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(Reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers)''  
:'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of The Economist.
:'''Ollie:''' That's right, Glenn, you'll have to hold my hand through this complicated world: some of us weren't up the Acropolis the day that you and [[Roy Jenkins]] invented democracy.
:'''Terri:''' Oh my God. Did you know that he'd been some kind of womaniser?
:'''Ollie:''' You wanna check the Sun, they've got a woman who claims he womanised her three times in a day at the gazebo at Chequers. Front, back, and in the gallery, as I understand it.

==Series 3, Episode 8==
:''(At DoSAC, Glenn and Ollie can't get over Malcolm Tucker's resignation.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' You know, I just can't quite believe this. I mean, this is the single most shocking thing I've seen in politics since the SDP. I thought he'd at least go out with a bang or a killing spree. 
:'''Ollie:''' I always imagined he'd just shout so hard his lungs would come up and choke him to death. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Over at Opposition HQ, however, Malcolm's departure is being celebrated by Peter Mannion and his team.)''
:'''Peter:''' End of an era! 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, a really shit era though, isn't it? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(cheering)'' WHOO! 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, f-- Calm down! 
:'''Phil:''' Balrog's dead! I mean, that's it. I mean, they're done. I mean, no one can replace him. It's like when Queen lost [[wikipedia:Freddie Mercury|Freddie]]. You know. Certainly not [[wikipedia:Paul Rodgers|Paul Rodgers]]. 
:''(Stewart Pearson, however, wants no part of the festivities. He wants everyone to get back to business.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' All right, everyone. That's the two seconds of respect due to him. Now get back to your desks and do something, okay? ''(to a female worker)'' Not the sofa! Who are you, Lorraine Kelly? Get out here and do something! If you've nothing to do, leave, because you're clearly surplus to requirements! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve is at DoSAC, trying to gently assure everyone that everything's alright.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Um, lads and lasses! ''(He laughs)'' Please, just a quick word. Thank you. Really, it's just a hand-hold to set the tone for a slightly re-jigged regime. I've done all the important departments, and now I've got to you. ''(He laughs again)'' Seriously, I've done that joke everywhere, but, uh, even with the genuinely big departments. So I'm not -- ''(imitating gun fire)'' -- aiming at you in any sort of a snide way. I'm just checking that we're all at the very top of our games. ''(Steve then looks at Glenn, who's looking at his cell phone.)'' Glenn, mate? 
:'''Glenn:''' Sorry.
:'''Steve:''' Are you on top of your game? 
:'''Glenn:''' I am -- I am ''above'' my game. I-I'm in a geo-stationary orbit, way above it, looking down and going, &quot;Hello, game, it's Glenn!&quot; 
:'''Steve:''' (laughing) Right! You know, there's an election looming. This is quite a serious time. We need to be aware of that. (Steve points in Glenn's direction, smiling) But I love humor, and that was good humor. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is at home with a man going through alternative career options.)'' 
:'''Man:''' Do you want to swim the Channel for [[wikipedia:Scope_(charity)|Scope]]?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No!  
:'''Man:''' Do you want to do ''[[wikipedia:Dragons'_Den_(UK_TV_series)|Dragon's Den]]'' for ''[[wikipedia:Children_in_Need|Children in Need]]''?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I'd rather fuck a real dragon.  
:'''Man:''' Would you consider promoting a politically themed restaurant?  
:'''Malcolm:''' How does that – how does that even work? Oh fuck no, I don't care.  
:'''Man:''' Would you like to write a children's book, called 'The Angry Spider'?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' So, everything: Good. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, a bit of instability with Malcolm gone, a sort of sense of Post – you know, Psychotic Twats Disorder, but –  
:'''Steve:''' No no, listen, I understand, but you know, right now, you're all emerging from the cellar – pleased that the beatings have stopped - scared of what the future might hold, but long-term, I think we're all going to be okay. Pep talk, over! Return to your desks, and prepare for government.
:'''Ollie:''' We're in government.
:'''Steve:''' ''(smiling, but clearly annoyed)'' Well then, prepare to ''stay'' in government.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh right. How do we do that?
:'''Glenn:''' We pack an overnight bag.
:'''Steve:''' ''(apoplectic) Will you '''PLEASE, FUCKING WELL –''' (Steve immediately composes himself, and lets out a forced laugh)'' I'm sorry, I've lost my temper! Where is it? Where is it? Oh, no, I've found it again. It's alright.
:'''Ollie:''' Always in the last place you look, eh?
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Steve)'' So, can I...? 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Great. 
:'''Steve:''' Uh, actually, can I have a word with you, Nicky, please? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Nicola. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve wants to talk to Nicola in her office about the upcoming election...and he's standing a bit too close for her comfort.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' I just wanted to check. Obviously, Dan Miller's cabal is going house to house through the cabinet looking for numbskulls stupid enough to resign to trigger his elevation to the throne. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(nodding)'' Obviously. 
:'''Steve:''' What I need to know is are you solid? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, I am completely -- I am solid as, as the proverbial. As-as a rock. As a rock-hard...as a sailor's wang on shore leave. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(very pleased)'' Superb. You really are the potty mouth, aren't you? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, a lot to do. 
:''(After Steve leaves her office, Nicola calls out to Glenn &amp; Ollie.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Ollie, Glenn, in here now. Quick, quick, quick.
:''(Glenn approaches the office while taking off his glasses.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Glenn! Don't faff around with your glasses, I know you take them off every time you come in here. It's not impressive. ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What do we know about the anti-Tom cabal? Why have I not been contacted by them? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, um, uh...
:'''Ollie:''' Because it would be you...uh, you're seen very much as an individual around the, uh...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(embarrassed)'' That's bollocks, isn't it? It's 'cause I'm the girl at the party nobody wants to dance with. I'm the freak in the corner with a pint of cider and blackcurrant and the funny eye. 
:'''Ollie:''' No no. I-I mean, it's...You know, it a big, big Rolodex full of numbers. I'm sure...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to both Glenn &amp; Ollie)'' Thank you. You may go. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(stammering)'' We st-We still would like to dance with you. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Oh, fuck off. Go and put your glasses back on. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is watching the nightly TV news at home when, all of a sudden, his cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hello, Phillip Schofield, I fuck lobsters for money.
:''(Somebody is telling Malcolm something important.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Julius Nicholson is trying to persuade Malcolm Tucker to return as the two of them are sharing an Indian take-away meal.)''
:'''Julius:''' Take the rice first.
:'''Malcolm:''' Thank you.
:'''Julius:''' Um, I want you to be very clear, Malc, about why it is that I brought you in. Do you know what hat it is that I'm wearing?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is it your baldy swimming cap wig? 
:'''Julius:''' No, it is my government troubleshooter stetson, which is a long way from my homburg of sober inquiry. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know that I'm thinking of doing a television program? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, I had heard something on the grapevine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it's good. You know that program ''[[wikipedia:Civilisation|Civilisation]]'' with Kenneth Clarke? 
:'''Julius:''' Oh, yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's gonna be like that, except with fucking more quim, you know? It's me, Simon Schama and Alan Yentob in a cage, fucking lump hammer each, whacking the shit out of each other. The last man standing wins a fucking [[wikipedia:Ford Focus|Ford Focus]]. 
:'''Julius:''' The thing is, Malcolm, your departure has basically precipitated a call-to-arms, in effect. We have it on reasonably good authority that there are between three to four cabinet ministers who are disgruntled and are planning a mass resignation. And that means, very simply, a Dan Miller coronation. And as my nephew would say, &quot;This shit just got real.&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Your nephew? 
:'''Julius:''' Yeah, he's at Charterhouse. Only a day boy, not a boarder. Anyway, the fact is it has to be stopped. Um...There have been a number of ideas being tossed around. And one of them is...would you be prepared to come back? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Are you out of your tiny, shiny fucking mind? 
:'''Julius:''' Look, we can do this simply. 
:''(Julius picks up four colored pencils.)''
:'''Julius:''' Step 1: Are you interested? Of course you are. ''(Julius drops a pencil)'' Step 2: Will you come back? Yes? ''(He drops another pencil)'' Superb. Step 3, and this is the important step: Will you use your considerable influence to destroy the cabal? Can I drop it down? ''(Julius drops down that pencil, too)'' Fan-dabi-dozi! Step 4: It's party time. Let's tool up with basmati rice and...Wahey! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(rightfully confused)'' You're asking me -- to come back here and mop up the fucking splatter from my own assassination?  
:'''Julius:''' You know where the bodies are buried. And we'll just say you're coming back to advise, it's election strategy, it's not a day-to-day government business role.
:'''Malcolm:''' I can't come back again unless I know that I'm in the clear in your report.
:'''Julius:''' I'm not in a position to discuss that; not with my current hat on. However, would I be sat here now if the man in the other hat—which is also me—wasn't sure that everyone involved in this inquiry didn't come out relatively well?
:'''Malcolm:''' And what about Steve Fleming, yeah? You schizo hat fuck?
:'''Julius:''' Let me put it this way: You see this onion bhaji? Let us pretend for a minute that this onion bhaji is the problems that would be caused by a report that criticised you or Steve Fleming. Hmm? Watch. ''(Julius takes a bite of the bhaji.)'' You see what I’m doing? I’m eating.. the onion bhaji. ''(He eats the rest of the bhaji.)'' Why? Because I am the man that makes the bhaji go away.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve approaches Julius while he's feeding ducks)''
:'''Steve:''' The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain.
:'''Julius:''' Well, actually, that is a popular misconception because what happens is the rain falls just before the mountain ridge, but they wouldn't want you to know that because it would spoil the rhyme.
:'''Steve:''' Julius, what's up, Boo Boo? ''(both laugh)''
:'''Julius:''' Not much, I'm just feeding some victuals to these poor old ducks. That red-crested pochard there is positively ''hoggish'' with this Hovis.
:'''Steve:''' I heard certain rumblings that I don't come out terribly well in this report of yours. Off the record, matey, am I fucked? 
:'''Julius:''' Off the record, and this is strictly between you, me and that ornamental gatepost over there, of course; the report is strictly confidential until publication. Haha, do you see what I've done there? The bald man has done a funny.
:'''Steve:''' It's not funny. No, it's not funny at all, Julius.
:'''Julius:''' ''(continuing to laugh)'' I beg to differ. I think I'm on sparkling form.
:'''Steve:''' ''For '''fuck's''' sake!'' You ''FUCKING... Pontius'' Pilate, with the emphasis on '''''PONCE!'''''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' ''(reading a headline about Steve and Julius on'' Times Online'')'' 'Care to do another draft, Sir Whitewash?' 
:'''Ollie:''' What have ''The Mirror'' got?  
:'''Terri:''' 'Give us the bald facts?' Oh it's very rude that, isn't it: I was always taught never to make personal remarks about people.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' OK, listen up everybody, that was Gavin over at Number 10. He reckons that Steve Fleming has just joined the cabal. 
:'''Everyone:''' Ooh!  
:'''Terri:''' That's a complete disaster, there'll be nothing else on television for weeks.  
:'''Ollie:''' Where's Malcolm? Where's the dark knight in all this?  
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm will have grabbed his false passport by now, he'll be on a plane to Brazil, and he's about to spend the rest of his days being [[wikipedia:Marathon_Man_(film)|the world's scariest dentist]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. You all right? You've got that 'cock in the cookie jar' look. 
:'''Ollie:''' He's back.  
:'''Nicola:''' Who? Barrymore?  
:'''Ollie:''' No.  
:'''Nicola:''' Clement Attlee? ''(realises)'' Oh fuck!  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. God, he's gonna kill me. I was there when he was being sacked and he asked me for help, and I held out and now he's gonna want revenge isn't he? Fuck, fuck, fuck, it's gonna be like 'Kill Bill' or 'Get Carter', only it's gonna be 'Get and kill Nicola and then get Carter and Bill to fucking kill her too'!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey Nicola! How are you doing?  
:'''Nicola:''' You're back. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah I'm just, you know, tying up a few loose ends.  
:'''Nicola:''' With which you're going to plait some kind of garotte and strangle me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Forgive and forget. That's my motto.  
:'''Nicola:''' I thought your motto was '[[wikipedia:Who_Dares_Wins|Who fucks wins]]' or '[[wikipedia:Honi_soit_qui_mal_y_pense|Honi soit qui Malc y fuck]]'.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got a lot of mottos. Don't take that job, Nicola.  
:'''Nicola:''' God, Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' The anti-Tom brigade are just waiting for the first piece to fall. If you resign, it's political fucking Jenga. You will cause a landslide that will ''bury'' this Government. And you'll keep the party in opposition until Daniel Radcliffe is advertising walk-in baths in the fucking [[wikipedia:The_People's_Friend|People's Friend]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julius:''' You...
:'''Malcolm:''' Julius!
:'''Julius:''' ...are a naughty bastard!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(Holding up Julius' report)'' Best thing I've read all year. It's the only thing, mind you.
:'''Julius:''' You've done some pretty awful things to me in my time, but this takes the bloody biscuit. And you've pissed on that biscuit and I've got to eat it. Well, here's the news, Malcolm, I will not eat the pissy biscuit!
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, no pissy biscuits. ''(to Julius)'' What are you going on about, Julius? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you off to clear your desk, Steve? Don't forget your lucky [[wikipedia:Gonk|gonk]], and your &quot;World's Shittiest Dad&quot; mug.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' I'm going to resign from the Cabinet. And then, I'm going to join Dan Miller's team. ''(beat)'' I think we need a new leader. ''(walks off)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(following)'' Steve!
:'''Steve:''' Oh, no, no, no!
:'''Malcolm:''' Steve, don't you ever take up fucking poker, 'cause you're a crap liar.
:'''Steve:''' I am gonna join Dan Miller's team and then we are gonna take you down; we are gonna take you down to funky town! ''Funky Town Centre, here you come!'' ''CHOO FUCKING CHOO!''
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this what you're threatening me with, fucking disco lights and a fucking choo-choo train? You're a joke, Steve!
:'''Steve:''' ''(laughing)'' There's nothing you can do!
:'''Malcolm:''' Steve!
:'''Steve:''' Yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' There's ''one'' thing I can do!
:'''Steve:''' What are you gonna do?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, wouldn't you like to know!
:'''Steve:''' Who are you gonna meet? Who's your meeting with?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking off)'' Bye-bye!
:'''Steve:''' ''I'M NOT FUCKING WORRIED, MATE!'' ''(walks down the corridor)'' Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' All right now, listen up, my children of a lesser god, you will find a file marked 'Snap Election Drill' on the J drive. And if you don't know how to access the J drive, hand your pass in at reception, go and buy some silver body paint, and pretend to be a robot on the [[wikipedia:South_Bank|South Bank]]. Fly my pretties, fly!
:''(Suddenly, Phil's cell phone rings.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart! Stewart, The Fucker's downstairs.
:'''Stewart:''' No, no, no. He's not downstairs, but if he were, I'd know about it, and if I knew about it, I would have vetoed it. Okay? 
:'''Emma:''' He is, and he is complete poison.
:'''Peter:''' Ah, The Fucker! ''(to Stewart)'' And you thought he was just a myth created to frighten naughty MPs into eating all their truffles and swan.
:'''Stewart:''' Watch my lips. Cal Richards is not here. 
:''(But Cal Richards IS there...and he's headed their way.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Cal! 
:'''Cal Richards:''' Hello. 
:'''Stewart:''' Hi. 
:'''Cal:''' Hi, Stewart. 
:'''Stewart:''' Good to see you. I didn't know about this. JB didn't say anything. 
:'''Cal:''' Hello, everyone. I just wanted it to be a surprise. 
:''(Cal shakes hands with Peter, Phil and Emma while he's talking to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, why are you...why are you here? 
:'''Cal:''' Well, mate, I just thought I'd check in with the intellectual powerhouse of the party. That's all. That's why I'm here. 
:'''Stewart:''' Right. Well, if you want to step in the office, yeah, I'll dismiss the children and we can talk. 
:'''Cal:''' No. 'Cause I'm kidding, aren't I? No, because I've come here to tell you that you're fucking sacked. 
:'''Peter:''' (thrilled) Halle-bloody-lujah! 
:''(A look of doom comes over Stewart's face...)''
:'''Phil:''' Should I escort Stewart from the building, then, Cal?
:'''Emma:''' Philip, Don't be such a fucking turncoat.
:'''Cal:''' Yes, Philip, excellent idea. And while you're there, could you do me another favour, please? Could you find a hostel, go there, and take a fucking overdose of barbiturates?
:''(Emma chuckles at Cal's request.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, right. Okay, well, I'm not fired. You can't fire me, Cal, so shall we just cut to the chase? Hmm? 
:'''Cal:''' (pretending to talk like a baby) &quot;Aw, you can't fire me, Cal, 'cause you're...&quot; Gotcha! I'm kidding. Of course you're not fired. Look at your face.
:'''Stewart:''' (smiling, but not amused) Funny. 
:'''Peter:''' I'm sensing a change in management styles here from touchy-feely to smashy-testes.
:'''Cal:''' No, okay, joking aside, I'm just an impartial observer. Quite partial, obviously. So, uh, take it away, [[wikipedia:Captain Mainwaring|Captain Mainwaring]]. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the crowd)'' All right, folks, listen up. We have three key targets when we are smart-bombing our beloved PM and they are: The deficit, unemployment, lack of leadership. Get onto the J drive, you'll find key...
:''(And then suddenly -- Cal EXPLODES!)'' 
:'''Cal:''' ''FUCK, THAT IS BRILLIANT!!'' THAT IS INSPIRED! WHAT SAUCE! GET IN! [[wikipedia:It's_the_economy,_stupid|IT'S THE ''ECONOMY'', STEWPOT]]! Fuck, what I REALLY need to do is to shoot you all in the back of the head! ''(imitating a gun)'' FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! But I can't, because it's illegal!
:''(Then, Cal calms back down again.)'' 
:'''Cal:''' Okay, I'd like a small cappuccino, two extra shots, please. I think we've got a long night ahead of us. ''(to Stewart)'' Come on! 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Cal)'' I'm coming. ''(to Peter)'' Better the devil you know, huh? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''' ''(on the phone)'': I think we're just playing it in the wrong key. It's when we go, ''(sings at a low pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue' – 
:'''Nicola:''' What's she talking about?  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh. She's putting on her annual production of ''[[wikipedia:Joseph_and_the_Amazing_Technicolor_Dreamcoat|Joseph]]'', in Hemel Hempstead. She doesn't license it ever because she considers ''Joseph'' to be public domain.  
:'''Terri:''' But I need to just pitch it a little higher. More like, ''(sings at a much higher pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue and green' –  
:'''Glenn:''' She's directing it. And starring.  
:'''Ollie:''' As Jacob.  
:'''Nicola:''' With a beard?  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, one assumes with a beard. Maybe she'll just let herself go for a couple of weeks, see what happens.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker and Cal Richards are giving pre-election pep talks to their respective parties)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I know what people say to you, right? They say: 'We hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.' Everybody hates you. So fucking what? Some people, they just fucking love to hate. Some people, they'd fucking walk around the fucking Garden of Eden fucking moaning about the lack of fucking mobile reception. These are the kind of fucks who watched ''Mandela'' – fucking Nelson Mandela – walk to freedom, and said 'Is ''[[wikipedia:Diagnosis:_Murder|Diagnosis: Murder]]'' not on the other side?' So we fucking forget about them.  
:'''Cal:''' This government has run this country into the ground. This used to be a [[wikipedia:And_did_those_feet_in_ancient_time#&quot;Green_and_pleasant_Land&quot;|green and pleasant land]], now it's the colour of the fucking BBC Weather map. It looks like anaemic dogshit.  
:'''Malcolm:''' JB, Cal Richards, and their ''hordes'' of fucking robots, they're coming over the hill, towards us! And all you have got to do is this: bend down, pick up any fucking weapon you can, and ''twat'' the fuckery out of them –  
:'''Cal:''' This government is maimed, but it can't be shamed. It will. Be. FUCKED!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's get out there, and let's fucking kill them, LET'S SET FIRE TO TEARS! Let's go! ''(all applaud and cheer)'' Come on! Let's go, yes!  
:'''Cal:''' OK, let's get going.  
:'''Phil''' ''(to Emma)'': What do we do?  
:'''Cal:''' ''(on an office phone)'' What do I call for an outside line?  
:'''Emma:''' That was great, wasn't it?  
:'''Phil:''' What do we do?  
:'''Cal:''' Is it 9, 'cause that's what it is everywhere else?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cal:''' ''(to an anonymous Opposition member of staff)'' Stop saying &quot;Abingdon&quot; to me, I want a fucking chocolate biscuit!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, for the first time in a decade, I can feel the old dog twitching to life.  
:'''Phil''' ''(Chinese accent)'': 'So sorry me! This election give me an erection.'  
:'''Peter:''' The old dog I was referring to was me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(All DoSAC staff are leaving because of the election)''
:'''Terri:''' See you, Nicola! ''(to herself)'' Or not.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Is this good, all this panic? I haven't seen ''[[Snakes on a Plane]]'', but I imagine this is pretty much how people would react on finding their plane was brimming with snakes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Except Malcolm is the snakes, isn't he? I mean, this is more ''Snakes Not on a Plane''.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(walking into Steve's office)'': Steve! Look! I've made an unexpected comeback. Like [[wikipedia:Noel_Edmonds|Noel Edmonds]] or secondary cancer.  
:'''Steve Fleming:''' Don't get any ideas, Malcolm. I can cut you loose any time I like; I can toss you aside like an unwanted [[wikipedia:Panettone|panettone]], which, I warn you, is ''most'' panettones.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Cal Richards''' ''(giving his pre-election pep talk)'': Remember, this government is like going out with Madonna: at first you think, 'Result'; now we wake up every morning to see an increasingly crazed, craggy-faced egomaniac who jumps on every fucking passing bandwagon.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Terri''' ''(leaving an answerphone message)'': If you have any political enquiries, at any time, 24 hours a day, Oliver Reeder and Glenn Cullen will take –
:'''Ollie:''' 24 hours a day? Fuck off. No, we're political advisors, we're not fucking prostitutes.  
:'''Terri:''' Well, you've spoilt it now.

==Series 4, Episode 1==
:''(At the start of this episode, Peter Mannion is headed to the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. He is talking on his cell phone to his wife. Today's their wedding anniversary.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' No, of course I know it's our anniversary. What do you think the card was for? ''(Peter's wife said something to him.)'' I left it on the kitchen table. 
:''(Peter's wife may not have seen the card.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, right. My bad, as they say.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Terri:''' You're a very tidy man, aren't you?
:'''Phil:''' 'There's no happiness without order.' It's a Nazi quote, but nonetheless stands the test of time.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(We now find out that Peter has a partner at DoSAC in the &quot;Coalition Government.&quot;)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(still on his cell phone with his wife.)'' Well, I can't leave before my Coalition partner. Fergus, I told you. (And now, poor Peter's cranky.) Well, I say partner. He's Lewis, I'm Morse.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Peter's partner at DoSAC is Junior MP Fergus Williams. Fergus and his advisor, Adam Kenyon, are proudly getting ready to launch a policy they created, called Silicon Playgrounds.)''
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' I hate to ask, but I've got to ask. Are you ready for today, Fergus? 
:'''Fergus Williams:''' Yeah. Somewhat. 
:'''Adam:''' Silicon Playgrounds are -- is -- go. 
:'''Fergus:''' I just hope Mannion can keep his baccy-stained fingers out of it. 
:'''Adam:''' Don't worry about Mannion. He's allergic to the 21st century. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, he didn't like the 20th much and the 19th makes him fart papyrus. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;   
:'''Peter:''' ''(STILL on the phone with his wife...)'' Well, we could celebrate it another time. I mean, technically, and thrillingly, it'll be our anniversary all year! ''(Suddenly, Peter sees the rest of the team coming.)'' Oh, sorry darling, I've gotta go, I think the bailiffs are coming to take away my will to live.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Peter, Fergus, Adam, Phil and Terri join Emma and Stewart in the Meeting Room to discuss Silicon Playgrounds.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, folks, today's headline in Copperplate Gothic Bold, font 72, is: Emma and I broke the fast this a.m. with the PM. 
:'''Emma:''' And it is a massive yes. So our Silicon Playground initiative is going to be the standard bearer for the Networked Nation. It is a double, double win. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yes, a double win for both babies of the Coalition, yeah? 
:'''Emma:''' Absolutely. 
:'''Stewart:''' (happily) It's &quot;win squared!&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Terrific. Right, shall we do a Mexican wave round the table? 
:'''Fergus:''' From my P.O.V., re all this, big hurrah. We're ready to upload, i.e. let's launch the fucker. 
:'''Stewart:''' Great, I'm registering your energy, Fergus, but we've decided it's going to be launched by...the Secretary of State for Social Affairs and Citizenship.
:''(Fergus and Adam are understandably upset about not being able to launch their policy...but Peter is actually a little MORE upset.)''
:'''Peter:''' (moaning) ''Ohhh...All my gallstones have come at once.''
:'''Fergus:''' Are you fucking serious? 
:'''Adam:''' What is wrong with you people? Peter can't even right-click a fucking mouse. 
:'''Phil:''' Well, he can, it's track pads he has a problem with. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No. No, you come in here like Dr. Robotnik and say, &quot;Oh, I'm sorry.&quot; We put in the graft on this. You can't just take it off us. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, I think we can. You see...
:'''Emma:''' We can.  
:'''Stewart:''' You see, Coalition's like a band, guys, yeah, and every band has a frontman. [[Florence and the Machine|He's Florence and you're – well, you're The Machine.]]
:''(Then, Glenn Cullen, who's supposed to be on Fergus and Adam's team, enters the meeting room.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(cracking a Superman joke)'' Hey! Sorry I'm late, guys. I was just changing in a phone booth. (chuckles to himself)
:'''Terri:''' Was that a joke or...
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. No, I was on the phone. ''(to Fergus)'' Hey, Fergus, you look a bit A&amp;E. Everything all right? 
:'''Fergus:''' No, er, Mannion is announcing Silicon Playgrounds on Stewart's orders. 
:'''Stewart:''' PM's orders.
:'''Glenn:''' What? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hang on a moment. This is demarcation stuff. This is Fourth Sector, right? And I am the Fourth Sector guru. Yeah, I've been on Team Fergus on this, you know, me and the Inbetweeners. 
:'''Adam:''' The what? The what? Sorry? 
:'''Emma:''' You know that's what we call you. 
:'''Stewart:''' That's what they call you. 
:'''Glenn:''' WE did all the work on this. Us, we're a team, we did it. And now you're going to say we're going to play a new game, pass the parcel, and he gets to unwrap it? (pointing at Peter) I don't think so! This is bollocks, Stewart! 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, come on, calm down. 
:'''Glenn:''' Just a second. Bollocks. 
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, just leave it, leave it. 
:''(Glenn leaves the meeting room)'' 
:'''Emma:''' (talking about Glenn) He's seriously going to have a heart attack, look at him. 
:'''Stewart:''' God, will we cope now? Can we even carry on? 
:''(Quiet in the room again...)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, it doesn't seem to have changed anything. All right, the top line, folks, is this: It's about coalition, remember, yeah? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No, this is not about coalition. This is about you nicking our ideas and doing us up the Eurotunnel. 
:'''Phil:''' Come on. You're basically a couple of homeless guys we've invited to Christmas dinner. Don't bitch because we don't let you carve the turkey.
:'''Peter:''' Let me just say it simply for you, Stewart: I don't understand the Networked Nation and the Silicon fucking Playground &quot;gigabits,&quot; people watching television on telephones. For what it's worth, I think Fergus should carve this particular turkey. 
:'''Adam:''' There you go. 
:'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter. The Networked Nation is about harnessing the interconnectivity of everyone in society. It's a new way of thinking. Innovation, self-investment, revenue flux, growth, ergo a healthy network. What's so complicated about that? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(bluntly)'' ''ALL'' the words you just used. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' ''(at Peter's office door)'' Ah, Peter. I'm expecting great things!
:'''Peter:''' Then you're an idiot.
:'''Stewart:''' Laters, legislators. ''(leaves)''
:'''Peter''' ''(looking at Fergus's policy)'': The only way this policy launch could be worse is if I understood the bloody thing.
:'''Glenn''' ''(walking in with a file which he dumps on Phil)'': Right, I'm gonna put the old tea-cauldron on! Anybody fancy a brew?
:''(They all ignore him. During Emma's line, he gives up and leaves.)''
:'''Emma:''' Peter, risk of sounding like your mum: time for school. You need to get to this meeting.
:'''Peter:''' I hate schoolchildren, they're volatile and stupid and they haven't got the vote. Might as well be talking to fucking geese.
:'''Phil:''' Well, you know the school's only 10 minutes from your house. You could pop round for a late lunch. 
:'''Peter:''' Not much of a celebration. &quot;Hello, darling, make me a Cup-a-Soup.&quot; Oh, now, I need a thoughtful, very personal present for Tina. Any ideas?
:'''Phil:''' Erm, what about a sexy undergarment? 
:'''Peter:''' (disappointed in Phil's suggestion) No. 
:'''Emma:''' Perfume. What perfume does she wear? 
:'''Peter:''' No idea. Expensive, smells a bit of lemons. 
:'''Terri:''' Peter, before you go, I-I do really need a comment, I'm sorry, on this Tickel protest, please.
:'''Peter:''' OK: 'As we enter the third week, I find Mr. Tickle's attention-seeking tent-based twattery even more annoying than weeks one and two.'
:'''Terri:''' Can't actually say that.
:'''Peter:''' Really? Oh then by implication you know what you can say, so say that instead.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Terri is being called to see Fergus and Adam in Fergus's office.)''
:'''Adam:''' Just to keep you up to speed, Terri, we are going to do a companion launch for Digital Playgrounds tonight at the learning centre at 7 o'clock, all right? 
:'''Fergus:''' And we just need you to pop a press pack in the Coverley microwave and let us know when you've pinged. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, sorry. I don't think I'll be able to get that cleared before 6:00, so that's effectively tomorrow, isn't it? 
:'''Adam:''' Sorry, Terri, we don't need clearance. We're not covering a Beatles track, we're the fucking Government. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, I'm sorry, but I do need to get that through Number 10 before I can do anything. 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, was Terri actually in the meeting earlier, Adam? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, she was, Fergus. I know she was there because I heard her humming the theme tune to ''[[wikipedia:Call the Midwife|Call the Midwife]].'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well, Stewart was very clear about this protocol. It's about the only thing he ever has been clear about. 
:'''Adam:''' The policy has been agreed. This is just an additional publicity push. 
:'''Terri:''' Adam, I'm sorry if you think I'm being obstructive, but I cannot -- and I ''will not'' -- do ask you ask. 
:'''Fergus:''' Well you can't stop me, Terri! OK? I want you to know, YOU CANNOT WIN, [[wikipedia:Nurse_Ratched|NURSE RATCHED]], because this is my moment! Now, you like musicals: well this is [[wikipedia:Tonight_(1956_song)|Tonight]] from West Side Story, yeah? And I'm going to bring the bloody house down, so you can't [[wikipedia:Don't_Rain_on_My_Parade|Rain on my Parade]], [[wikipedia:Funny_Girl_(musical)|Funny Girl]]. Why don't you go and have a lie-down and a [[wikipedia:Hobnob_biscuit|Hobnob]] while we run the fucking country, all right?
:'''Terri:''' (unfazed) Anything else? 
:'''Adam:''' No, don't think so. 
:''(Fergus is perplexed, Adam is stunned, and Terri gets up to leave...)''
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Thank you, minister. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil, and Emma are in the car to the policy launch)''
:'''Fergus:''' Does he understand the policy? Forgive my concern, but it's a bit like asking if a dog can grasp the concept of Norway.
:'''Terri''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'': We have a question: does he understand the – Oh, she's hung up! Ever the charmless minor royal.
:'''Peter:''' And I keep a straight face, do I, when I say to a room full of frogspawn, 'Upload your future'?
:'''Emma:''' You know, that sounds great! No pronunciation traps. 'Cause you know what happened to the Chancellor, don't you, at the [[wikipedia:Brit_Awards|BRITs]]? [[wikipedia:Tinie_Tempah|'Tinny' Tempah]]?
:'''Phil:''' Well, it could have been worse, I heard he opened his stag do speech with 'my niggaz'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter is at the school making his speech...I Call App Britain!)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Why is it that Silicon Valley is in America when we have so many net-savvy tech-heads here? They may have the silicon chip, but we have the silicon ''chap''. And of course, chapesses. Er, and we want ''you'' to design game apps for use in the classroom.
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, sorry to interrupt: erm, it's not game apps, we're actually looking for educational apps.
:'''Peter:''' Er, of course. That's why I'm here to say: I call you up. App. I, I Call App Britain. Yes. And everyone will benefit, not financially, er, not cash in hand, of course: all profits will be stored as part of a digital dividend, which –
:'''Raj:''' 'Scuse me, are you saying that if I wrote an app I wouldn't get any money for it? I would be working for free?
:'''Peter:''' If you don't mind we'll keep the Q&amp;A to the end. What I wanted to emphasise –
:'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, er, why can't you just answer him now?
:'''Teacher:''' Charlotte.
:'''Charlotte:''' Well, the other lady was allowed to interrupt.
:'''Peter:''' Yes, but she's ''my'' lady. ''(everyone laughs except Emma)'' Er, what was your question again?
:'''Raj:''' Why won't we profit from this?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, but you would! Er, maybe I didn't explain it properly. What's your name?
:'''Raj:''' Rajesh.
:'''Peter:''' I'm sorry?
:'''Raj:''' Rajesh, Raj.
:'''Peter:''' Well, er, Rajesh Raj – ''(the students laugh)'' Oh, right. ''(chuckles)'' Well, er, what I, what I wanted to say is that, that you ''would'', er, profit, that any profits you made would be offset against [[wikipedia:Tuition_fees_in_the_United_Kingdom|tuition fees]] –
:'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, we don't believe in tuition fees.
:'''Peter:''' Well, erm, what's your –
:'''Charlotte:''' Charlotte.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, well, that's an easier one.
:'''Emma''' ''(to Phil)'': Fuck me, I feel like I've just been pushed out of a plane.
:'''Raj:''' I make apps. I sell them through Apple and I get paid for it.
:'''Peter:''' Good for you, Ra– er, good for you, but with ''us'', you let us license it as part of the Networked Nation policy. We all put in, you see –
:'''Raj:''' What do you put into the Networked Nation?
:'''Peter:''' Well, er, I am – a Minister.
:'''Raj:''' But what do you actually do?
:'''Peter:''' I take the, the – science that, that you made earlier, and I – ''apply'' it, in – scenarios that are – cost-effective.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Well at least I got 'I Call App Britain' right.
:'''Phil:''' Thankfully with only a modicum of the contempt you used just now.
:'''Emma:''' 'Hooray, you got the title right! Let's get the driver to do some victory doughnuts.' You're gonna have to issue an apology, you know.
:'''Peter:''' I'm not going back there and saying, 'Oh, that moment when I mistook an abbreviation of your name for your surname: sorry.' I'll look completely mental.
:'''Phil:''' You can't apologise for a fart you did a day ago.
:'''Emma:''' No, you're gonna have to apologise for the follow-up as well. 'Charlotte, that's an easier name.'
:'''Peter:''' ''But it is!'' That's a fact, not a judgement!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(And now, Peter finds himself being confronted by a big crowd of reporters and journalists -- outside his own home!)''
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, why are you at home in the middle of a working day? 
:'''Peter:''' Um, it's-it's my 30th anniversary and I popped home for lunch after the Silicon Playgrounds launch, which is literally around the corner, and I'll be staying late to make up for it. 
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Are you turning schools into teenage sweatshops? 
:'''Peter:''' I-I'm sorry if this is proving a complex idea. Pupils will receive a digital dividend towards their higher education fees. 
:'''Female Reporter #2:''' The dividend is optional, though, you can get cash instead? 
:'''Peter:''' No, you can't, I'm sorry...
:'''Female Reporter #2:''' You can according to your Junior Minister. 
:'''Peter:''' I see. 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Minister, do you think you came across this morning as a &quot;fibre-optic Fagan?&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' That's a ridiculous phrase. 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Well, that, again, is a quote from your Junior Minister.  
:''(Peter's socially embarrassing predicament continues...)''
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, is, um, that a bottle of champagne? 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Drinking on the job, minister? 
:'''Peter:''' It's a half bottle. Um, as I said, it is my anniversary and I have just recycled it. Er, thank you. Bye. 
:''(Peter gets into his car.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to his driver)'' Run those fuckers over. Fifty quid for every one you maim.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(shouting at Fergus on his return to DoSAC)'': Thanks a fucking bunch, mate! I couldn't have looked more of a twat, unless I'd announced it dressed as a mermaid with scallops on my tits!
:'''Fergus:''' Look, I'm angry, too, Peter. I spent a lot of time on that policy that you just raped in a ditch. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, it was your stupid idea in the first place. 
:'''Fergus:''' What are your ideas, Peter? Come on, we'd all love to hear them! A public information film on the best wine to have with fish? A butler on every street corner? 
:'''Peter:''' This is a long game, Fergus. And I've been around a lot longer than you, Fergus, and I'll still be here when they rip your name off your door and turn your office back into something useful, like a spare toilet! 
:''(Stewart, from out of nowhere, enters the fight.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' BOTH OF YOU DESIST! You have caused me to raise my voice and I do not like it. I reserve this level of anger for when I'm flying Ryanair. Peter's Palace! NOW! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking champagne in the middle of the day during a recession. Who do you think you are, [[wikipedia:Sean_Combs|P. Diddy]]?
:'''Peter:''' It was a half-bottle, on my thirtieth anniversary, ''and'' I was recycling it; at least give me credit for that!
:'''Stewart:''' Oh right, no, sorry Peter, yeah, I take it all back. About as strong a defence as 'the fertiliser in my homemade bomb was organic.' What have you got planned for this evening, dancing girls on a yacht? 
:'''Peter:''' Garage, car, hosepipe. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, good, the anniversary present your wife's been dreaming of. ''(to Fergus)'' And Fergus, what about you? 
:'''Fergus:''' Well, I'm launching Silicon Playgrounds, properly this time, tonight at a learning centre. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, something you didn't clear through me. According to Terri Coverley, you announced this before Peter took his daily &quot;gaffe dump.&quot; What was the word I used this morning?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, you used a lot of words this morning, it was like a fucking [[Will Self]] lecture.
:'''Stewart:''' What was the word I used?
:'''Fergus:''' Coalition?
:'''Stewart:''' BOOM! So you ''will'' go to the learning centre where you will re-explain Silicon Playgrounds ''with Peter'', who will make an abject grovelling apology for being both a digi-tard and an elderly racist!
:'''Fergus:''' So first you take the policy away from me for Peter to screw up, then you take ''salvaging'' the policy away from me for Peter to screw up! Good, yeah, that's just great!
:'''Peter:''' I'm bored of this! I'm going for a Twix! ''(leaves)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(storming out of his office)'': She's NOT on the FUCKING ''LIST!'' ''(enters Fergus's office)'' Will you please tell me why Terri Coverley is not on this list?
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry Peter, she's too expensive to get rid of.
:'''Peter:''' Oh Christ, Fergus, we both know she's a fart in a frock and I want her wafted out of here.
:'''Fergus''' ''(smiling)'': My hands are tied.
:'''Peter:''' Fuck you! You're not getting in MY car tonight! ''(leaves)''
:'''Glenn:''' What a very principled stand you're taking.
:'''Fergus:''' Yep, but did you see how stressed Mannion was there? Soon he'll be so weak and disorientated he'll stagger off in the night like a tramp who's stood up too quickly.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(on the phone with his wife)'': No, I don't think today is our entire marriage in a nutshell. Well, we had champagne, and your sister wasn't there.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil''' ''(to Adam)'': You're getting a coffwee: coffee with wee in it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter''' ''(on the phone to his wife)'': Champagne looks bad, PR-wise. I might as well be seen urinating through the letterbox of a closed-down library.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Terri:''' Right, I'd better get on. Sometimes I think I never stop working.
:'''Phil:''' You leave at 5:40!
:'''Terri:''' One last thing.
:'''Phil:''' Yes, [[Columbo]]?
:'''Terri:''' The staff cuts. What do you know? 
:'''Phil:''' Ah, I see, that's what this whole chat's been about, has it, mental pickpocketing?
:'''Terri:''' You see, you don't need to tell me: I'll just list off a few names. You do that girly flicky thing with your hair, OK?
:'''Phil:''' Bye, Terri.
:'''Terri:''' Was that it, was that code? Am I going?
:'''Phil:''' No, I'm telling you to fuck off.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Raj:''' What do you actually do?
:''(quiet laughter from the students)''
:'''Peter:''' I am the, er, Secretary of State for Social Affairs a-and Citizenship.
:'''Phil:''' It's a bit like being the Lord Commander of the [[wikipedia:List_of_A_Song_of_Ice_and_Fire_characters#Night's_Watch_and_wildlings|Night's Watch]]? Er, you watch Game of Thrones, yeah?
:'''Raj:''' This is bullshit!
:''(the students laugh)''
:'''Teacher:''' Hey, quiet now – quiet! Raj, that language is unacceptable, OK?
:'''Peter:''' I'll say, you – you wouldn't use that kind of language in front of your extended family.
:'''Students''' ''(shocked)'': Oh!
:'''Emma:''' Oh my good God, I cannot believe childbirth is more painful than this.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Adam:''' We have to distance ourself from this ''now''.
:'''Fergus:''' Right, OK, I'll call Terri and get her up to speed.
:'''Adam:''' Terri is never up to speed. She's stuck in neutral in a fucking rainy car park listening to [[wikipedia:Ken_Bruce|Ken Bruce]].
:'''Glenn''' ''(on his phone)'': Who told you I was the guru? Terri Coverley, right, thank you. Well, I am the guru of the policy, but I'm not the guru of the colossal gang of [[wikipedia:Henry_(vacuum)|Henrys]] who tried to explain it just now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter''' ''(to Raj)'': Yes, well, for you, App-ortunity Knocks.
:'''Fergus''' ''(to Raj, quietly)'': It's [[wikipedia:Opportunity_Knocks_(UK_TV_series)|a show]], it's like [[wikipedia:Britain's_Got_Talent|Britain's Got Talent]], from his era.

==Series 4, Episode 2==
:'''Ollie:''' Right, sorry to interrupt you at this very sad time, but we do have [[wikipedia:Prime_Minister's_Questions|Prime Minister's Questions]] in ''one hour''. 
:'''Nicola:''' No it's fine, I've got the lead question, I've got the follow-up sarcastic question and I've got the withering put-down, so I'm prepped, I'm fucking prepped.
:'''Ollie:''' Yep. You'll walk rings round him.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Ben:''' The Leader of the Opposition is in that room, Malcolm, practising ''walking''. I mean, baby horses can walk from the womb, she's one-nil down to a pony.
:'''Malcolm:''' A pony isn't a baby horse, it's a foal, a fucking foal is a baby horse.  
:'''Ben:''' Right, our guest tonight on 'I Don't Give a Fuck about Baby Horses' is me. But we need to do something about Nicola, Malcolm, I mean, you know about her plan – I mean, Nicola with a plan, that's like a toddler with a harpoon, there's a toddler wandering around in that office with a harpoon.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well, don't you worry about Nicola's plan. I'll deal with that, Sweaty Betty – Listen, when you wake up in the morning you've got a routine, haven't you?  
:'''Ben:''' Big shit, granola, check the email, shower and a shave, [[wikipedia:Nespresso|Nespresso]], sometimes a second shit.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Exactly. You have a plan: that's good. Nicola has a plan: that's not good. But I have a plan: that's fucking great.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Nicola bend down in front of the photocopier)'': Oh, that's very moving: '[[wikipedia:Ode_of_Remembrance|They shall not grow old]], who photocopy their arses at the Christmas do'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola and her advisers, Ollie Reeder &amp; Helen Hatley, are brainstorming ideas for a buzzword for do-gooder members of the public.)''
:'''Ollie:''' They're commuters, they are the street-pounders, street – walkers, um – 
:'''Nicola:''' You can't call them streetwalkers.  
:'''Ollie:''' They're the people who deal with the little stuff, erm – [[wikipedia:The_Wombles|Wombles]], Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call.  
:'''Nicola:''' Erm, straights.  
:'''Ollie:''' No!  
:'''Nicola:''' No. No, of course, sorry.  
:'''Helen Hatley:''' Commuting champions.  
:'''Nicola:''' Interrai– human [[wikipedia:Interrail|interrailers]] –   
:'''Ollie:''' Human interrailers? That's interrailers. Er, everyday superstars, all British supremes –  
:'''Malcolm:''' That sounds like a racist tribute band.  
:'''Nicola:''' Ordinary people, with something special about them, with a special power.  
:'''Ollie:''' Please don't say special. Don't say special.  
:'''Nicola:''' No but – you know, but like sup– people as superheroes.  
:'''Ollie:''' Ironpeople, Spiderpeople. Wolfpeople.  
:'''Nicola:''' They're just regular citizens, but they have this – that one special quality that makes them like Batman, or Batpeople. Erm, ''Quiet'' Batpeople.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(glaring)'' Quiet Batpeople?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' She's going to have to fall on her sword, which means that we are gonna have to stick one in the ground, trip her up onto it and get somebody to jump up and down on her back for ten minutes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Reshuffle: don’t send Ben to the back-benches, he’ll just wank and eat Pringles, leather seats are an invitation to men like him. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Before we finish, I just want to throw one more pebble into the thought pool.
:'''Ben:''' Ploop.
:'''Nicola:''' Sorry Ben, I missed that?
:'''Ben:''' Just I'm sorry, I just, I said 'ploop', it's just the noise of a pebble.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(A photographer has managed to take a picture of Helen's 'Quiet Batpeople' notes)''  
:'''Nicola:''' &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot; on every fucking paper! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, this is a wake-up call. And by the way, Helen, the next time you want to make Nicola look like a clown with her fucking hair on fire in a Zumba class, why don't you just take your notes down to [[wikipedia:Snappy_Snaps|Snappy Snaps]] and get them blown up to gigantic charity cheque size, so the partially sighted can be in on the fucking gag?
:'''Helen:''' I didn't know they'd be able to see it!
:'''Malcolm:''' So we have to seize the agenda. We have to deflect attention away from all this. It's now time to embrace our friend Mr. Tickle.
:'''Nicola:''' I can't even say his name without smiling.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, ''he's'' not smiling, is he? He's living in a tent, 'cause his key-worker housing's been sold off.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, and he's a 24-carat fucking nutcase. Which means that Peter Mannion has been picking on a man with a history of depression. That's a way right into the Principality of Pricks right there.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' It's time for you to step up, Ollie. What's that film that you love?
:'''Ollie:''' What film?
:'''Malcolm:''' The one about the fucking hairdresser, the [[wikipedia:Luke_Skywalker|space hairdresser]] and the [[wikipedia:Han_Solo|cowboy]]. The guy, he's got a [[wikipedia:C-3PO|tin foil pal]] and a [[wikipedia:R2-D2|pedal bin]]. [[wikipedia:Darth_Vader|His father]]'s a robot and he's fucking fucked [[wikipedia:Princess_Leia|his sister]]. Lego! They're all made of fucking Lego.
:'''Ollie:''' Star Wars?
:'''Malcolm:''' That's the one, right. It's like that, okay? Where you fucking kill all the bad guys, and you'll be able to blow up the big –
:'''Ollie:''' Death Star.
:'''Malcolm:''' The Death Star thing. Then you can go and live happily ever after on the planet of the teddy bears.
:'''Ollie:''' They're Ewoks, they're Ewoks. It's a fantastic analogy, well done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' Malcolm, could I have a couple of words please?
:'''Malcolm:''' Political lightweight? Making up the numbers? Sorry that's four isn't it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dan:''' So, your loyalty to Nicola is – 
:'''Malcolm:''' Unwavering. Right up to the point that –  
:'''Dan:''' Someone challenges her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Not necessary: she's going to kick her own head in, which will be easy for her because she does yoga. No, we just need somebody to hold her jacket while she commits political hara-kiri, and sweep in unopposed, being careful not to tread in the mess.  
:'''Dan:''' So you think – I should challenge her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck is this, Tinker Tailor Soldier Cunt? Do you, or do you not, want to be the next leader of this party?
:'''Dan:''' Yes.
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, well, she needs to fuck off in eight months, so it looks like we're giving her a chance. I will teach you the way of tears and love, my friend; now, let's get out of this fucking cupboard before Ben Swain comes in for his lunchtime wank.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(putting his glasses on to read Ollie's phone)'': What is this tiny font? Is it to match your subatomic thoughts?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Ben, and separately Ollie and Helen, are watching Nicola at the [[wikipedia:Remembrance_Sunday#National_ceremony_in_the_United_Kingdom|Remembrance Sunday ceremony]] on TV)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're right, she can't fucking walk.  
:'''Ben:''' I mean, should we get a pony to challenge her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not a fucking pony, it's a fucking foal.  
:'''Ben:''' Sorry.  
:'''Helen:''' I don't understand how you can get that wrong.  
:'''Ollie:''' It's this: ''(demonstrates)'' de-de-clunk!  
:'''Helen:''' She is officially a [[wikipedia:The_Cenotaph,_Whitehall|Ceno]]-twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Fabulous work, sister. Bury her in a grave. [[wikipedia:The_Unknown_Warrior|The Unknown Leader]].  
:'''Helen:''' I can't watch: I feel a bit sick.  
:'''Ollie:''' I just hope there is no afterlife, because if people fought and died for this, it is going to seem even more ridiculously futile.  
:'''Ben''' ''(to Malcolm)'': Why d'you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(during the Quiet Batpeople brainstorming)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Wombles, Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles?  
:'''Helen:''' Right, OK, obviously, you know, we're not gonna block anything 'cause this is a think-thoughting session, erm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call.  
:'''Ollie:''' Think-thoughting, Helen, is what we call, in the real world, thinking. It's the same. Am I say-speaking out of turn? Have I not understood-comprehended you?
:'''Helen:''' I don't know, I tuned you out a bit.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Hiya, I thought you were bollocking Dan Miller.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, I am. ''(to the empty chair next to him)'' Look at you! You bourgeois, fucking side-parted twat, you flap that bammed-up nutcrease of yours again, and I will fuck you so deep, that if you're not drowned in the blizzard of jizz, your rectum will become the biggest fucking indoor venue in fucking Europe.  
:'''Ollie:''' Are you OK?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sit down.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ollie)'': This is [[wikipedia:Infinite_monkey_theorem|monkey typewriter]] stuff. There's not even a fucking infinite amount of monkeys with an infinite amount of time with an infinite amount of typewriters that'll produce the words, 'Nicola Murray, PM'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ben:''' How do you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't know anything about horses, apart from that a grown-up one's a fucking horse and a baby one's a foal. And why are you eating my biscuits?  
:'''Ben:''' I don't know, I found them on here. There's one left.  
:'''Malcolm:''' They are big wreaths.  
:'''Ben:''' It's like a toilet seat, isn't it? I mean, it's not, it's lovely.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What size of a wreath would you need for a nuclear war?  
:'''Ben:''' There wouldn't be anyone left to put it on the Cenotaph, would there? It'd be carried along by cockroaches or whatever it is they say'll survive.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah.

==Series 4, Episode 3==
:''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are in the car, on the way to Thought Camp...and ALL 3 of them are on their cell phones. Stewart is talking to a Minister, Emma is talking to Phil, and Peter is talking to his wife. )'' 
:'''Peter:''' I was picked up at seven, of course I haven't walked the dog. I barely had time to take myself for a shit. 
:'''Emma:''' Phil, I'm sure you're suffering from &quot;Peter Withdrawal&quot; symptoms, but I really, really need you to keep an eye of the Ticket issue. 
:'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp ETA 13 minutes, okay? You're taking the bridge, Kieran. 
:'''Emma:''' Okay, well, you can start by not referring to him as Gyppo. ''Or'' Gypsy, Phil. It's not, it's not the abbreviation that's the problem.
:'''Peter:''' If he has a thorn in his paw, it must be from when you took him for a walk yesterday. 
:'''Emma:''' What do you mean, &quot;You're in charge?&quot; You are not in fucking charge, you doughnut! 
:'''Stewart:''' Of course you're gonna keep me informed, I want the full crunch on all the feeds, as usual. Everything below the equator. 
:'''Peter:''' Take him to the dog hospital. (Peter's wife thinks he's being sarcastic.) No, I'm not being sarcastic! There is one! 
:'''Emma:''' Try and keep an eye on things, all right? 
:'''Peter:''' The number will be in the folder. The folder. What? (Peter sighs as he realizes he has lost the connection.)
:''(Now, all 3 members of Team Mannion are off their cell phones.)''  
:'''Peter:''' Where are you taking us, Stewart? This Mind Kampf is in the middle of nowhere.  
:'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp, Peter, and isolation is the mother of renewal. We shall retreat to go forwards.  
:'''Emma:''' Terrible signal! Phil sounded like he was phoning in a report on an African coup.
:'''Stewart:''' Why's he even gone in today?
:'''Peter:''' I put him on Tickel oversight. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, the eviction. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, cutting the guy ropes on his tent is hardly the Siege of Troy. 
:'''Emma:''' Bailiffs thought it would be easier today, quicker or quieter. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, but I want Phil sealed off, right? He makes no statement today, not even off the record. 
:'''Peter:''' He wanted to feel useful. 
:'''Stewart:''' Then he should sell his organs. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Phil are alone in the DoSAC building.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, we've got the whole palace to ourselves, eh? [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern|Rosencrantz and Guildenstern]]!  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, but [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern_Are_Dead|very much alive]]. Well, one of us.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart''' ''(to party staff arriving at Thought Camp)'': OK people, abandon phones, all ye who enter here. And watches too: time is a leash on the dog of ideas.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Stewart:''' OK lovely people, let's go truffling in the forest of knowledge.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' OK people, I'd like to start this session with a question: when is a party not a party?  
:'''Peter:''' When it's at your house?  
:''(quiet laughter)'' 
:'''Emma''' ''(quietly, annoyed)'': Peter!   
:'''Stewart:''' A party is not a party when it is plural. ''(brings up a slide of a woman on her phone in a crowd)'' There she is, the party, singular: she thinks like you, she votes like you, she is ''not'' you, and yet of course, she ''is'' you.  
:'''Peter''' ''(to himself, sighing)'': I feel like I've joined the Scientologists.
:'''Stewart:''' Some of these people want a federal Britain, others don't. And as long as we continue to do nothing, we can call that &quot;consensus.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Why am I the only senior minister here? Is JB punishing me? 
:'''Emma:''' Look, Mary Drake's here, Home Office. 
:''(Peter and Emma nod hello to Mary.)''
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' And yes, JB is punishing you. 
:'''Stewart:''' OK, let's [[wikipedia:Michael_McIntyre|McIntyre]] this: stand up. Let's find out, in fact, chairs to the side, please. 
:'''Peter:''' Great, vague prancing about. 
:'''Mary Drake:''' Isn't that one of the fundamental principles of democracy? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Oh, I'm sorry, Peter, you want to share your thoughts? 
:'''Peter:''' Hmm? No, we just hoped we were going to do some dancing, er, Stewart. What, Merce Cunningham, something like that? 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, maybe later you can share it with us. But first of all, let me share something with you. How about this, Silicon Playgrounds, yeah? What caused this slow-motion pile up? Shall we sit down and chew over &quot;hash-tag epic fail?&quot; Or shall we try and get some solutions on their feet? That's it, just put it at the side, Peter. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Glenn is bringing a tray of coffee and biscuits into Fergus's office.)''  
:'''Adam:''' Glenn, you're a marvel, you know, you're like a modern-day [[wikipedia:Jeeves|Jeeves]]. Only not modern. Day. You're like Jeeves, but only not as good.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus is bringing Tara Strachan, a strikingly beautiful economist, to DoSAC HQ.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' Here we are, at the Coalface. ''(to Adam)'' Ah. Adam, this is Tara Strachan. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Tara)'' Hello, lovely to meet you. 
:'''Tara Strachan:''' Hi there. 
:'''Adam:''' Really lovely, lovely. 
:'''Fergus:''' Shall we, er...She's an economist...
:'''Adam:''' Real pleasure, actually. 
:'''Fergus:''' ...and a lady. 
:'''Adam:''' Yes, obviously. Lovely. 
:''(Fergus and Adam are quite happy to see Tara. Phil, on the other hand, is a little confused.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' What's going on? Who's the skirt? 
:'''Adam:''' Oh, I'd love to bring you up to speed, Phil. I really would, but I'm not gonna live long enough. So tell you what, why don't you go and help Glenn watch his telly? I think the dancing's on in a minute. 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' I really like your coat, by the way. 
:'''Tara:''' (quite flattered) Thank you. Thank you.
:'''Fergus:''' It's like a leopard. 
:'''Tara:''' It is a little bit. 
:'''Fergus:''' Or a cheetah. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Tara is sharing her idea for micro banking with Fergus and Adam.)''
:'''Tara:''' The beauty of this model...
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. 
:'''Tara:''' ...um, is that micro banking can happen anywhere, okay? 
:'''Fergus:''' Great. 
:'''Tara:''' Small, low-interest loans, that's the way forward. 
:'''Adam:''' This is terrific. I mean, it's so fucking us, it's brilliant. 
:'''Fergus:''' (trying to calm Adam down) Adam, Adam. 
:'''Adam:''' Ah.
:'''Tara:''' Oh, don't worry, I don't mind swearing. Shows passion. I've done some community enterprise case studies. Sisters who want to set up a pop-up baker's in a disused travel agents, the boiler guy who wants to take on an apprentice. 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. 
:'''Fergus:''' The helping hand for hands-on people. 
:'''Tara:''' Yeah. 
:'''Adam:''' I like that, that's great. That's really good. 
:'''Fergus:''' Making  sure the can-doers don't get canned. 
:'''Adam:''' Terrific. Yeah, really good. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, at Thought Camp, Peter is playing a &quot;mind game.&quot; He has a Post-It note stuck to his head with a political issue written on it, and he has to guess what it is. He needs Mary Drake's help.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Would I be comfortable or uncomfortable...
:'''Stewart:''' Yes or no questions only, please, Peter. 
:'''Peter:''' Would I be uncomfortable talking to Andrew Marr about this concept on the television? 
:'''Mary:''' Yes. 
:'''Peter:''' Am I Diversity? 
:'''Mary:''' No. 
:'''Stewart:''' You're out of questions, Peter. 
:''(Peter finally takes the Post-It note off his head -- and then gets REALLY upset.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake! Inclusivity's practically the same as Diversity! 
:'''Mary:''' ''(chuckles)'' No it's not. 
:'''Stewart:''' No it isn't, Peter. 
:'''Peter:''' I could be at home watching the snooker with a bottle of unpronounceable scotch. Can I sit down now? ''(Peter sits down)'' I'm sitting down, I don't care. 
:'''Stewart:''' Actually, we can all sit down now. Thanks, Peter. Um, so take a chair 'cause Emma's going to co-steer module four with me. We're gonna do a kind of Top Trumps stats check on the PM's future enemies, yeah? Strengths, weaknesses, blocking moves and take-downs. Em. 
:'''Emma:''' Great. Thank you, Stewart. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' You've turned into the wrong Mitford sister.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, back at DoSAC HQ, the Banking Brainstorm continues...)'' 
:'''Tara:''' Basically, we'd set up a network of microcredit lenders at neighborhood level. 
:'''Adam:''' This is great. So what would it be called? Like the Citizen's Bank, or...
:'''Fergus:''' The People's Bank? 
:'''Tara:''' Um, Community...
:'''Fergus:''' The Credit Fund? ''(correcting himself)'' No, no, credit's a bad word. 
:'''Adam:''' Negative. Something, something with &quot;Advance...&quot; 
:'''Fergus:''' The We Bank? 
:'''Tara:''' The We Bank. 
:'''Adam:''' I like that. 
:'''Fergus:''' Although it does sound a bit like a...sperm bank. But for wee. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn is reporting the latest Tickel Watch news to Phil.)''
:'''Glenn:''' There's a bit of a farce going on here with your Mr. Tickle. They've turned up to evict him and he's not there.
:'''Phil:''' Good. Self-evicted. Gone. Problem solved. Anyway, what's going on with Fergus and Adam and the &quot;Sexy Stranger?&quot; She's some kind of economist, apparently. 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't be ridiculous, she's far too attractive. 
:'''Phil:''' You can get sexy economists. What about Stephanie Flanders on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, that's true. I quite like Emily Maitlis. 
:'''Phil:''' Really? Well, I'm sure she'd love a grey pounding. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Tara:''' Do you want to have an &quot;ideagasm?&quot; 
:'''Adam:''' ''(very much turned on)'' Yes, please. 
:'''Tara:''' Ask me how we'd initially fund this. 
:'''Fergus &amp; Adam:''' How would we initially fund this? 
:'''Tara:''' A one-off Robin Hood tax. Steal from the fat cats, raise enough seed capital for hundreds of start-up funds for fledgling businesses. 
:'''Adam:''' You know what? This could work really well for us. This, this is, yeah. 
:'''Tara:''' Yeah? 
:'''Adam:''' I mean, let's just talk, uh, figures. What sort of start-up capital are we talking here? 
:'''Tara:''' Not very much. I think we're looking at about £2 billion. 
:'''Fergus:''' £2 billion?
:'''Tara:''' £2 billion. 
:'''Fergus:''' Good. Well, um...I mean, obviously, I'd have to ring the Treasury. 
:'''Tara:''' Sure. 
:'''Fergus:''' And twist a few arms. You know, it'll take a couple of weeks to work up, but we are extremely keen to set that process in motion.  
:''(Stewart and his team are discussing potential new Leaders of the Opposition at Thought Camp.)''
:'''Stewart:''' OK, let's architecturalise this, yeah?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, don't bother. If it's Ben Swain, we all shout ''Sweaty Swain'' as he dehydrates himself through PMQs. Holhurst looks like a shepherd dressed up to meet the Queen, and if it's Dan Miller we're fucked.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Tara:''' I should tell you I do also have a meeting with Dan Miller booked in. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(suddenly concerned)'' What? I would just knock that right on the head. Don't -- don't do it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Well... ''(awkward laughter from all 3 people)'' He's in opposition. We rule. 
:'''Adam:''' We're the rulers, we're the governors. 
:'''Fergus:''' And, you know, in the end...this is so fucking us. 
:'''Adam:''' Fuck yeah! 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil's looking up Tara Strachan's bio on his cell phone.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Here, uh, &quot;Tara Strachan, LSE, Harvard, author of ''Strapped: Why We're in Debt to Each Other,'' ''Small is Bountiful,'' Expert in micro-financing and community credit guilds.&quot; God, that sounds dreary. 
:'''Glenn:''' Bloody hell, that's all Fourth Sector stuff! I mean, why have they kept me out here like a stray dog? 
:'''Phil:''' And why are they keeping Mannion out of it? This is-this is government business!   
:''(Phil suddenly realizes that Adam and Fergus are working on a policy behind Peter's back. Phil runs to Fergus's office.)''  
:'''Phil:''' Right, that's enough. Stop, stop, stop! I demand an explanation.  
:'''Adam:''' Sorry, Phil, we're busy. Maybe come back in, I don't know, 2017?   
:'''Phil:''' As Peter's representative, it's as though you lied to him. That's not good, probably illegal.  
:'''Adam:''' If you want to see something probably illegal, pass me that fucking stapler over there!  
:'''Tara:''' Er, listen, is there a problem with me being here?   
:'''Fergus:''' Not at all. 
:'''Phil:''' Yes, you're not supposed to be here, the minister is unaware that you're here, so I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.  
:'''Adam:''' Oh right, so she's a security risk? Oh no no no! I'd forgotten: you're not allowed within 50 feet of most women.  
:'''Phil:''' How do you explain this, then? ''(waves his arm in and out of Adam's personal space)'' I'm within 50 feet of you. Hahaha. ''You're'' a woman.
:'''Adam:''' Oh, brilliant. That is really good.
:''(They stop bickering when they hear Glenn)''
:'''Glenn''': ''(offscreen)'' FUCK! TICKLE'S DEAD!
:'''Phil:''' Oh shit...!
:'''Adam:''' Jesus...!
:''(Phil, Fergus and Adam run to the TV, where Glenn is watching [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|BBC News]])''
:'''Glenn:''' Oh God, he's killed himself, suicide. He used a car exhaust.
:'''Phil:''' Hey, classic: the Bohemian Rhapsody of suicide.
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Phil, for fuck's sake!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Adam doesn't like the way that Phil is handling the latest DoSAC crisis -- to say the least.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' It's like there's a little twelve-year-old boy, in a suit, with a fucking light saber in his desk - don't think I don't know it's there - running this department when Mannion's away...
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, so what? 
:'''Adam:''' It's a fucking joke! 
:'''Phil:''' No it's not! No it's not! Have you ever seen ''Game of Thrones'' Season 2? 
:'''Adam:''' No! 
:'''Phil:''' Or Anakin Skywalker, he was young. Frodo, in his thirties, still young for a hobbit. You know, I'm in charge, because I'm a Jedi and you're a fucking Ewok! 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. What is the Ewok position on this, then? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus, Adam, Glenn and Phil are trying to get a handle on the news of Mr. Tickel's suicide.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' The line from Stewart via Emma was that I do nothing. That was the one clear instruction they gave me, okay? We ignore him and he goes away. 
:'''Fergus:''' He is dead. 
:'''Phil:''' Which makes him easier to ignore. 
:'''Fergus:''' As a minister, I should at least express condolences. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(stammering)'' That-that-that should come from Peter. 
:'''Fergus:''' But he's not here. I am. 
:''(Terri enters the room.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Has anyone seen my Bluetooth headset? 
:'''Phil:''' Look, I speak for Peter and I say that we look guilty if we say we're sorry he died. 
:'''Terri:''' I'll take that as a no. 
:'''Adam:''' Listen, Phil. I was a journalist, okay? Now if you don't respond, you create a vacuum that sucks in speculation, and then you can't respond. You get sucked fucking inside-out! 
:'''Phil:''' Look, Tickle wasn't the Queen of People's Hearts, he was a twat in a tent. 
:'''Glenn:''' TICK-EL! HE WAS CALLED TICK-EL! WE DROVE A MAN TO HIS DEATH! WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Fergus and Adam FINALLY come back to see Tara to tell her the good news about launching the bank.)''
:'''Fergus:''' Great stuff, Tara. We're gonna go ahead with the bank. 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, meeting's over. 
:'''Tara:''' ''(surprised)'' Don't you need to talk to the Treasury? 
:'''Fergus:''' We've done that. 
:'''Tara:''' Okay, Well, um, let's talk details. When it comes to interest rates, obviously you've got...
:'''Adam:''' ''(jokingly)'' Well, hey, you know, don't talk us out of it. You don't wanna do that. 
:'''Tara:''' ''(smiling)'' So, is-is this the green light? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh-huh! Yep! £2 billion! 
:'''Tara:''' Oh my God! 
:''(An overjoyed Tara gives both Fergus and Adam a hug, much to their surprise!)'' 
:'''Tara:''' We'll be in touch! 
:'''Fergus &amp; Adam:''' Thank you. 
:'''Tara:''' Thank you. 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara, walking her to the elevator)'' Lovely to meet you, great. 
:''(Phil is wondering what policy Fergus, Adam, and Tara have just launched...)'' 
:'''Phil:''' What have we just green-lit?  
:'''Adam:''' Well, we are starting a community bank with £2 billion.  
:'''Phil:''' Right, is that the £2 billion we keep in the biscuit tin?
:'''Glenn:''' This is just great. This is just fucking great. I hang around this moral abattoir to do something exactly like this and you shut me out? 
:'''Terri:''' So, I'm spending my bank holiday founding a bank? I thought the point about bank holidays is that they're supposed to be shut. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus is still talking to Tara while walking her to the elevator. They're still excited about the bank.)''
:'''Fergus:''' You know, when we see something we like, we just buy it. 
:'''Tara:''' Oh, wow. 
:'''Fergus:''' That's the way we work round here. 
:'''Tara:''' I hope the Tickel, um...situation is all okay. 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, well, it'll be fine. 
:'''Tara:''' Thank you. 
:'''Fergus:''' Great. Lovely to meet you. 
:'''Tara:''' See you soon. 
:''(As soon as the elevator Tara's traveling in closes, Fergus runs back to the offices and takes charge of the situation.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' Right! I'm in fucking charge! And I'm going Nordic drama! ''(to Adam)'' Adam, secure the economist. ''(to Phil)'' You, get Stewart and Mannion back here STAT! 
:'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Got that, guys? Yeah? Okay? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(calling out to Fergus)'' Sure. I'll-I'll do it your way for now, Fergus, but, uh, they left me in charge for a reason. 
:'''Adam:''' I bet you line up all your action figures on the edge of your bath, don't you? 
:'''Phil:''' 1: I've got a shower. And 2: They're still in the boxes. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil, sitting in Peter's office chair, has just left a voicemail for Emma.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(entering)'': Have you got any of them yet?   
:'''Phil:''' No, everyone's ignoring me. It's like the first year of university all over again. Fuck it, the whole of university! ''(Peter's office phone rings.)'' Jesus. ''(answers)'' Hello? No, I can categorically say that Peter Mannion will not be resigning over this. Thank you. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' Who was that? 
:'''Phil:''' ''[[wikipedia:The_World_at_One|World At One]]''. I handled it.  
:'''Terri:''' You don't handle ''The World At One'', Phil, they're not stolen goods. Now listen, if you want to go and play phones, you can go down to the crèche where there's a big phone with big boggly eyes that go round and round when you wheel it about. Now piddle off!  
:''(Phil leaves. Terri sits down in Peter's chair.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' We've got to put something out there, Terri.  
:'''Terri''': That boy is a simpleton. Two hundred years ago, they wouldn't have let him milk a cow. ''(phones a journalist)'' Jonty! Terri here over at Hectic House. ''(laughing)'' No! No, Peter's not resigning!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Female party worker:''' Free apples! ''[throws ball]''
:'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Male party worker:''' Uh, free coffins. ''[throws ball]''
:'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Peter:''' Reduce the deficit with spending cuts.
:'''Everyone except Stewart:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter, I want to hear new ideas ricocheting off your synapses like a pinball, not just a two year old slogan.
:'''Peter:''' Okay, Doctor Jazz, let's hear it. ''[throws ball]''
:'''Stewart:''' We do away with computers.
:'''Everyone except Peter:''' Yes and h-
:'''Peter:''' ''You idiot!'' That's '''''fucking''''' mental!
:'''Stewart:''' No blocking, Peter, only counterpoint. Do away with computers, what do we think? How will it affect us? Good idea? Bad idea?
:'''Peter:''' Good idea for me, I wouldn't get anymore of your ''fucking'' emails. ''[Peter gets up]''
:'''Stewart:''' Try and stay cross-legged if you can, but don't break the circle...
:'''Peter:''' I'm 54, Stewart. My knees are fucked and my patience is snapped. Some of us had to go through this hippie shit the first time around.
:'''Stewart:''' I'm not talking about trying to sell it to the electorate, Peter. I'm talking about exploring it within the free space of the circle.
:'''Peter:''' Okay, give me the ball. Give me the ball! Give me the ball. ''(Peter tries to wrestle the ball away from Stewart)''
:'''Stewart:''' No!
:'''Peter:''' Give me... give me the ''FUCKING'' ball, Stewart! ''[grabs the ball]'' Let's do away with you.
:'''Stewart:''' What?
:'''Peter:''' Filter's off, Daddy-o! Let it all hang out! Just suppose your free-range no-consequence bullshit was hugely entertaining when we were in opposition and shitting money, but now we're in government and it's all gone a bit [[wikipedia:J._G._Ballard|J.G. Ballard]], it's irrelevant and infantile! 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, very droll, Peter.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, and maybe the reason you don't mind handing your phone in is that it doesn't ring as much as it used to. Oh, sorry; ''doesn't ring as much as it used to, yes and ho.''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn:''' Want the opinion of an old lag? Mannion will have to go.  
:'''Phil:''' Stick to 'policemen are getting younger', Glenn. Peter's going nowhere, and I don't mean that in a Glenn's career kind of way.  
:'''Glenn:''' I've seen a lot of people resign, and they're always happier afterwards.  
:'''Phil:''' You're thinking of lobotomies. Peter resigns over my dead body.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, that would be the ideal scenario.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are wondering why they have been called away from the Thought Camp.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' It's probably just Phil, he'll have run out of colouring books or something.  
:'''Peter:''' Anything to get out of Stewart's think sphincter.
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the hotel receptionist)'' Hello, receptionist. Could I have my phone, please? 
:'''Receptionist:''' Um, your name, sir?  
:'''Stewart:''' It's Stewart. 
:'''Receptionist:''' Stewart? 
:'''Stewart:''' Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Peter:''' Peter Mannion. Mine's the old Nokia. Yeah, thank you. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, mine's the one with Stewart written on it. 
:''(Nobody can get a good reception on the phones...)'' 
:'''Peter:''' I can't get any reception. 
:'''Receptionist:''' No, you won't round here. 
:'''Peter:''' What?
:'''Receptionist:''' &quot;No reception at reception,&quot; we always say. The best spot, sounds stupid, is the children's play area, top of the slide? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Peter and Stewart are forced to run over to the playground to get a reception!)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' God, I hate the country. ''(to Peter)'' Get higher, you idiot. 
:'''Peter:''' That's it, that's it, I've got something. 
:'''Stewart:''' Download the intel, Peter. Come on, put it on speaker. 
:'''Peter:''' No, I've got loads of messages from my wife and from Phil. 
:''(Peter's listening to the messages on his cell phone.)''
:'''Peter:''' She's taking the dog to the hospital...
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, come on. 
:'''Peter:''' She's had a long wait...the wound in his paw's gone septic. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh please, Peter, move on. 
:'''Peter:''' Tickle's dead. 
:'''Stewart:''' What? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(stunned)'' Tickle's dead. 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, it's my turn on that signal, Peter, get down. 
:'''Peter:''' Wait, I'm listening to the message! I'm listening to the fucking message! Don't --
:'''Stewart:''' I need to get this signal! 
:''(Peter still doesn't want to slide down the slide.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Stop being so childish! 
:'''Peter:''' Jesus Christ! 
:'''Stewart:''' Just get down, Peter. 
:''(Peter slides down the slide.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I've got it! I've got it! 
:''(Emma's come over to the playground.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Playtime's over. Tickle's dead, okay? Number 10's gone off the hook mental. Stewart, take my phone to call the PM. ''(Emma gives Stewart her cell phone.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' Right, Phil's meeting us, he's going to bring a shirt, suit and tie. You are not going to arrive looking like the manager of an organic wine bar. ''(to both Peter and Stewart)'' Right. Come on, come on, come on! Movement! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Fergus, Adam and Glenn are discussing strategy back at DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, anyway, um, Mannion has surely got to freeze housing disposals now. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. And on that point, Glenn, I wonder if it might be at all helpful if we collated every single statement Mannion's made about Tickle and the sell-off policy? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, as a sort of favor to selected hacks. Put a bit of air between us and the policy. A ''lot'' of air. 
:'''Glenn:''' Adam, this is not the time for party political point-scoring. At least let the body get cold. 
:'''Fergus:''' Of course, understood. What was it? What was it Peter said to those Welsh chartered surveyors?
:'''Adam:''' The health service should be for care, not subsidized housing. I mean, that is...
:''(Adam mimes an explosion.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus, is this what we came into politics for? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. That and the pussy. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In the car back to DoSAC HQ from Thought Camp, Phil hands Peter a rainbow tie.)''  
:'''Peter:''' What's that? I'm supposed to be commenting on a suicide, not a fucking camel race!  
:'''Phil:''' I thought it would balance out the bad news. You know, yin-yang. [[wikipedia:Jon_Snow_(journalist)|Jon Snow]] does it.  
:'''Stewart''' ''(on his phone)'': I want Tickle's movements over the last 24 hours, and I want his complete mental health records since he first sat on a potty.  
:'''Peter:''' Do you think you might need one or two computers for that, Stewart?
:'''Emma:''' ''(on her phone)'' Yeah, okay, well, we're going to try and dredge up some firefighting strategy. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I'll top-load you as soon as we arrive. Yeah, thanks, okay. All right, bye. 
:''(Peter is struggling to put his suit jacket on with his seatbelt on.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Can I, can I take the seatbelt off? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' No, Peter. ''(Emma then sees Stewart tapping his head nervously.)'' Stewart, what are you doing? 
:'''Stewart:''' It-It helps with the car sickness. 
:'''Peter:''' This is great, isn't it, Stewart? A conference on crisis management that's been scuppered by an actual fucking crisis.  
:'''Phil:''' We don't even know why he killed himself yet. I mean, suicide, it's pathetic! At least take some of your enemies with you, that's a noble death.  
:'''Emma:''' This is going completely nuts, so many questions being asked!  
:'''Stewart:''' Yes, starting with &quot;Why did Phil bring a tie from the '90s?&quot;   
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, don't panic, I brought an alternative. ''(shows Peter a black tie)''  
:'''Peter:''' But that's too far the other way!  
:'''Stewart:''' It makes him look guilty. 
:'''Phil:''' How can he be guilty? He's got the perfect alibi, he was at boot camp.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh!   
:'''Emma:''' Brilliant, let's release that, hey? 'There's no actual blood on his hands ''and'' he remembered to wipe the fingerprints off the knife!'  
:'''Phil''' ''(showing Peter his tie)'': Look, you can wear my tie, what about mine?   
:'''Peter:''' What's on your tie? 
:'''Phil:''' Tintin moon rockets.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake!  
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Phil)'' God, it amazes me you ever found your way out of your mother's womb!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Terri, poppet, can you send me out a cry-mail, 'We give a toss, we're sorry for your loss', yeah? Peter, we might need to relaunch the trousers. And get him a tie, a bland one; Glenn, one of yours, yeah?
:''(Phil goes to get Glenn's tie)''
:'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, I have a bit of news I should probably make you aware of.
:'''Peter:''' Yes I do know, Fergus, a man with an amusing name has died.
:'''Fergus:''' Er, no, actually, it's that this morning I, well, I set up a community bank.
:'''Emma:''' ... What?
:'''Peter:''' You did what? You s– You set up a bank?
:'''Phil''' ''(returning with Glenn's tie)'': I had a moment of weakness and they exploited it, like [[wikipedia:Hugh Grant|Hugh Grant]].
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, we didn't really have much choice 'cause it was all going to piss in a kettle here, so we had to get the economist out of the way.
:'''Peter:''' What are you talking about? What economist?
:'''Fergus:''' Well, we were having a preliminary meeting when Phil started to crow, Glenn was having a meltdown, it was getting embarrassing!
:'''Peter''': You bought a bank out of social embarrassment? I sometimes buy ''[[wikipedia:The_Big_Issue|The Big Issue]]'' out of social embarrassment, I don't buy a ''fucking '''bank!'''
:'''Fergus:''' Peter, this is so fucking us.
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, let me just wind back, right? Let's get this straight, just so that I can deal with you two properly: how much is this bank?
:'''Fergus and Adam:''' Well, £2 billion.
:'''Emma:''' ''£2 billion?''
:'''Stewart:''' Sweet Tracey Emin!
:'''Adam:''' Alright, don't need to shit yourself about it, because we're not buying it. OK? It's funded by taxes.
:'''Emma:''' Oh, that's alright then!
:'''Peter:''' Oh great, the triple! I'm a nurse-killer, a banker, and now I'm raising '''''fucking TAXES?'''''
:'''Fergus:''' Well, you are meant to be the bad cop, so what's our out?
:''(Phil drapes Glenn's tie around Peter's neck)''
:'''Peter:''' You're giving me an actual noose along with a metaphorical one. TROUSERS!
:'''Phil:''' Sorry, I'm getting the trousers – ''(interrupted by an alert on his phone)'' Jesus! What were you guys doing at the hotel? There's a picture of you on a slide, it's been tweeted by a golfer.
:'''Emma:''' ''(looks at the photo)'' Oh, f–   
:'''Stewart:''' ''(receiving Phil's phone)'' No no no no no no...  
:'''Phil:''' It's gonna go big, probably viral. Bigger than ''[[wikipedia:Charlie_Bit_My_Finger|Charlie Bit My Finger]]''.  
:'''Adam:''' You look like the [[wikipedia:The_Swiss_Family_Robinson|Shit Family Robinson]].  
:''(Stewart suddenly screams and hurls Phil's phone at the wall, narrowly missing Emma)''  
:'''Emma:''' Jesus Christ!   
:'''Terri:''' Shit!  
:''(Stewart storms off)''   
:'''Adam:''' Oh, poor Stewart. I think a bit of his brain broke.  
:'''Phil:''' My phone broke! I was up to Warlock General in Dragonlance! A year of my life, gone! 
:'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, speaking of socially embarrassing situations, what the fuck were you doing being photographed ''on a slide''?   
:'''Peter:''' It was the only place we could get a FUCKING SIGNAL!  
:'''Fergus:''' Two grown men in a playground, that's a pretty 'clear signal'.
:'''Emma:''' Peter, Number 10 have seen the photo. They don't want you to make a statement. So Fergus, looks like you're up. Statement on Tickle in 10 minutes, OK?
:'''Fergus:''' Bring it! 
:'''Emma:''' I'm gonna go and talk Stewart down. 
:''(Phil tries to hand the pair of trousers to Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' I don't want the fucking trousers!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil gives Glenn his tie back.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Here you go, I managed to wrestle your tie back off Terri. I think there's still some of her fingernails in it, though. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, in the grand scheme of things, that's not such a big deal. 
:'''Phil:''' You're not going to come and watch your guy give the statement? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. He's not my guy, Phil. I'm on my own here, there's no one quite like me. Not here, not any more. 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. You're the last [[wikipedia:VHS|VHS]] in [[wikipedia:Oxfam|Oxfam]]. They won't take them anymore, I've tried. Seasons 1 to 5 of ''[[wikipedia:The_X-Files|The X-Files]]'', nothing, can't give them away.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter and Stewart share an unexpected bonding moment over their mutual dislike of Fergus while watching him on TV.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(talking to the reporters)'' ...for a fairer NHS, for a fairer public housing program. 
:'''Peter:''' He's exactly why people hate politicians. He's making me hate politicians -- ''him'' in particular. 
:'''Stewart:''' Any second now, he's gonna do the imaginary tits. 
:''(Fergus does the &quot;imaginary tits...&quot;)'' 
:'''Peter:''' There they are. ''(Both Peter and Stewart let out sarcastic chuckles.)''
:'''Fergus:''' Thank you. ''(Fergus heads back inside.)''
:'''Peter:''' Look at him. ''(beat)'' Moments like this make you realize why Elvis shot so many TVs.

==Series 4, Episode 4==
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Sam, hi, listen, can you do me a favour? Buy some flowers for Nicola fucking Murray. Yeah, have them delivered to her home this evening with a card that says: &quot;Sorry you had to go, but let's face it, you are a fucking waste of skin&quot;. Waste of skin, yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to a hospital receptionist)'' Morning. I'm looking for a Mr. Oliver Reeder. He looks a bit like a Quentin Blake illustration. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answers his mobile)'' Hi Mum. Yeah, a bit sore –  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering Ollie's room)'' Here she is, Britain's latest post-op transsexual. How did they do that, did they actually manage to graft one on? ''(briefly lifts up Ollie's bedsheet)''  
:'''Ollie:''' I'll call you back, Mum. ''(hangs up)'' It's the scary Morrissey!  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie some flowers)'' I've come to cheer you up.  
:'''Ollie:''' Did you actually buy me flowers, Malcolm?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no, it's [[wikipedia:Roadside_memorial|one of the many advantages]] of living close to an accident blackspot. So how are things, the little boy from ''The Secret Garden?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you know, there's no Wi-Fi, there's basic Freeview. It's like living in 2003. But I am lighter to the tune of one whole appendix, so I do feel very svelte. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So have you seen this? ''(holds up the'' Guardian'', which leads with an interview with Steve Fleming)''  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(reads the headline)'' &quot;Nicola Murray is 'unelectable'&quot;?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie the paper)'' Fleming is foaming.  
:'''Ollie:''' Is that it then, is she fucked?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Like [[w:Caligula|Caligula]]'s favourite watermelon. Fleming's fired the starting pistol so we can all start firing our ''actual'' pistols into her fucking fat unelectable smug head.
:'''Ollie:''' How...Is this it now?
:'''Malcolm:''' It's on. It's on like Fat Pat's thong. We're putting Nicola on a train today to Bradford. It's the closest as I could get to locking her in a metal box. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, this is the Here 2 Hear thing. What a great idea, going around the country listening to people tell you that they hate you, just in different accents. ''(In various accents)'' &quot;I fucking hate you.&quot; &quot;I hate you.&quot; &quot;I fucking hate you.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' So wait, today's the day?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Today's the day. Once she's on the train, I'm going to detonate the main bomb, but I need you to set one off later.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Malcolm, I'm in hospital, I'm not wearing any pants!  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if you've been dead for a year and playing cribbage with [[wikipedia:Jimmy_Savile|Jimmy fucking Savile]]. I want you to make a bomb and explode it, today.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(confused)'' This is a metaphorical bomb, right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is it, [[wikipedia:Jack_Bauer|Jack fucking Bauer]]. Time for you to embrace your inner bastard.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not going to exploit a suicide.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Come on, you can't look a gift corpse in the mouth, you should be taking that corpse and slapping the Government about the face with it. Bit of slap with Tickle, yeah?  
:'''Nicola:''' No, I'm not doing it, it's insensitive, as was that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Erm, John, maybe –  
:'''John Duggan:''' Please, call me JD, I've rebranded.  
:'''Nicola:''' Right. So John, if you could get us some drinks, that would be great.  
:'''John Duggan:''' Abso-dutely, I could murder a lager! It's all right drinking on trains, isn't it, it's one of those places where alcohol is acceptable at any time of day, like a casino, or Cardiff. That's not racist. I could have said Glasgow, or Dublin.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben''' ''(to two colleagues)'': Yeah, it's a [[wikipedia:Nigella_Lawson|Nigella]] recipe, you sort of do it with gammon and Coca-Cola. That's fantastic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, the hairless [[wikipedia:Rubeus_Hagrid|Hagrid]]. I need a private word.  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, we're kind of in the middle of something.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben's colleagues)'': I need you lot to make like a tree and go fuck yourselves.  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, we'll pick this up later.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben's empty desk)'': Oh I'm sorry, I can come back if you're – I didn't realise you were so fucking busy.  
:'''Ben:''' Well, I could do some work, but you know what, we're still gonna lose.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey. Don't be so grim, you big quim. You are the future of this party, yeah? You are the next generation. 
:'''Ben:''' And you're in its past, I mean – I don't really know why you're still here, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I just want to see this thing turn around, right? I can't leave while we're getting fucked in the polls, and we're getting fucked consistently and repeatedly like a horse in the fucking Hebrides.
:'''Ben:''' All very original observations, Malcolm MacIntucker, but what's the solution? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola has to go. Today. 
:'''Ben:''' Oh, right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You need to resign. 
:'''Ben:''' And challenge her for the leadership? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, no. No, that would be petty and self-interested. No. You are doing this for the greater good of the party. As Deputy Leader, Dan Miller will take over, and he can be anointed at a later date.  
:'''Ben:''' So, you want me to stick my cock in a fan so that Dan Miller can become the next Prime Minister? Well fuck you very much, Malcolm. What do ''I'' get out of this?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I would not ask you to do this for nothing, would I?  
:'''Ben:''' You might.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm asking you, because you're a big fucking beast. Which is why, when you come back, it'll be as Foreign Secretary.  
:'''Ben:''' And you mean Foreign Secretary, that isn't code for, like, Northern Ireland, I'm not fucking going there.  
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the proper Foreign Secretary, with all the perks. Fuck-off breakfasts at Dubai hotels. Tours of secret Russian sex yachts.  
:'''Ben:''' All right! All right, I'll do it. And you know what? I'd have done it for a lot less.
:'''Malcolm:''' I beg your pardon? 
:'''Ben:''' I'd have done it just to see the look on Nicola's face. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh. I've underestimated you. 
:'''Ben:''' ''(quite proud of himself)'' You have been out-maneuvered by a player. It happens. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well...didn't used to. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' God, this is absolutely ridiculous. We so should have sat separately in first!  
:'''Helen:''' You can't go in first class, it's career suicide. You might as well do a shit in the aisle.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Glenn Cullen is visiting Ollie Reeder in the hospital)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' So go on, then. How's life in Nazi HQ? Is it fun collaborating? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't start all that again. I got into government by accident. 
:'''Ollie:''' Speaking of which, how is Terri? 
:'''Glenn:''' She's entering her dog for ''Britain's Got Talent.'' 
:''(Ollie lets out a big laugh)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Look, what's the matter with you anyway? Please tell me you're looking for a bone marrow donor and that I'm your only hope. The answer would be no, by the way. 
:'''Ollie:''' Bad luck. No, it's an appendix out. Well, I hope it is. Since your lot took over the NHS, everything's a fucking adventure, isn't it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Look, all this is incredibly entertaining, Ollie. But you called me over in my lunch hour, and as you're fond of saying, I don't have many of them left. 
:'''Ollie:''' So you know all this stuff with Mr. Tickle?  
:'''Glenn:''' Sad business.  
:'''Ollie:''' Very sad business.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Mr. Sad is actually very very sad about it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. Mr. Happy, on the other hand: fucking delighted!  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah? Mr. Stoic's taking it on the chin.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes! Mr. Milk-it says we should probably stop this now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Okey doke.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola''' ''(returning to her seat)'': Right, wee mission accomplished.  
:'''John Duggan''': Actually, having an accurate wee into a moving train toilet would make a great round on ''[[wikipedia:The_Cube_(game_show)|The Cube]]'' with Phillip Schofield.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn''' ''(entering the toilet)'': Ollie, come on, this is my shittiest lunch break I've had since Stewart took us all out for sushi.  
:'''Ollie:''' Patience, old man, and you can watch the fuckpuppet master at work now. ''(calls Ben)'' Ben Swain! Benign tumour, Bental illness!  
:'''Ben:''' Ol– Oliver Cyst, Olivetti – Spaghet– I don't really have time for chit-chat, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' Are you resigning, mate, are you dropping the R-bomb? [[wikipedia:Enola_Gay|Benola Gay]]? I'm not just, er, talking about the rumours.  
:'''Ben:''' Let's just say it is time to prepare the hidey-hole for Madame Hussein, her reign of error is over.  
:'''Ollie:''' And out of interest, Ben, what would it take to stop you from resigning?  
:'''Ben:''' Why, what's Nicola offering?  
:'''Ollie:''' Name your price!  
:'''Ben:''' All right. Shadow Chancellor.  
:''(Ollie laughs. Glenn barely stops himself from doing so as well.)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Ah, you still got it, Benny.  
:'''Ben:''' I'm serious, stop fucking laughing.  
:'''Ollie:''' All right, I'll call you back. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Glenn:''' This is a fucking joke! Ben Swain, Chancellor? He goes into debt every time he passes a sweet shop!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his phone)'': What have you got for me, Professor Brian Cock?  
:'''Ollie:''' Ben small-balled it. Nicola's offered him Shadow Chancellor, he's not resigning. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ in a diamond heist, the dopey fucking bollard. Right, how are you getting on with the old man from ''[[Up (2009 film)|Up]]''?  
:''(Glenn is waiting outside the toilet)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, getting there.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, get a move on. I want him leaking like [[wikipedia:Cliff_Richard|Cliff Richard]] out jogging.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right. OK. I'll be right on it. ''(hangs up)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(entering Ben's office)'': Oh, here she is. [[wikipedia:Pippa_Middleton|Pippa Middleton]], trying to steal the limelight with your peachy little arse. Right, where are we?  
:'''Dan:''' Well, I've just offered Ben here Deputy Leadership of the party.  
:'''Ben:''' I don't want it. I want Chancellor.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(surprised)'': Chancellor? Of the United Kingdom?  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, it's what Nicola's offering me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you sure about this Ben, how's your economics?  
:'''Ben:''' Good, strong.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What, you're a [[wikipedia:Philosophy,_Politics_and_Economics|PPE]]-er guy?  
:'''Ben:''' No, History of Art, but –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh right, so you are confident that one day you will be able to shepherd this country out of one of the darkest economic periods in its entire fucking art history?  
:'''Ben:''' Look, at the moment, I hold all the cards, including the card that tells you how to play, so – so [[wikipedia:It_ain't_over_till_the_fat_lady_sings|it's over. The fat lady's singing]].  
:'''Malcolm:''' No she's not. The [[wikipedia:Wynne_Evans|fat man]] from the [[wikipedia:Gocompare.com|GoCompare]] adverts is talking.  
:'''Ben:''' This is tiger-by-the-tail time and I'm loving it, loving it, loving it!  
:'''Dan:''' Oh, in that case you leave me no option, Ben, I'm gonna have to say yes.  
:'''Ben:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:Chumbawamba|Chumba-fucking-wamba]]! Then I resign on the dotted line.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Can you give us a minute, Ben, please? Dan and I need to talk some strategy.  
:'''Ben:''' Might head in the direction of confection; any snack-age, anyone?  
:'''Dan:''' No, no.  
:''(Ben leaves)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this for real?  
:'''Dan:''' No, of course it's not for real, Malcolm. I'm offering him Chancellor, but I might as well be offering him bass player in [[wikipedia:The_Wurzels|The Wurzels]], because that burly haemorrhoid's getting nowhere near any fucking cabinet of mine.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Good, so how are you gonna shaft him?  
:'''Dan:''' That's not my problem. That's your problem, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, so this is a little test, is it, you're weighing my balls?  
:''(Dan nods and smiles.)''  
:'''Dan:''' Should we get Ben?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:I'll_be_back|he'll be back]]. Like the shit [[wikipedia:Terminator_(character)|Terminator]]. ''(Ben returns)'' There he is.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' I hereby tweet, 'I have resigned. More to follow.' Didn't seem that momentous.  
:'''Malcolm:''' How many followers have you got?  
:'''Ben:''' 612, or thereabouts.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ, well let's hope it gets retweeted, otherwise you might as well just whisper it to a fucking dead tramp.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is upset that she wasn't able to get support from a fellow politician in her party.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Fucking fibroid polyp bitch! I hope they sprout out of her abdomen and fucking choke her! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ben is preparing for his big announcement, but first, Malcolm wants to show Ben something on his cell phone.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' These phones are amazing, aren't they? I've got an [[wikipedia:Mobile_app|application]] here that can throw grenades into people's dreams.
:'''Ben:''' So, how do I look? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that your suit with the reinforced trouser arse on it, yeah? 
:'''Ben:''' Ha, very funny. What, a joke that I'm going to shit myself? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, it's because you're gonna need it for the 10 years you're gonna be sitting on the back benches. The e-mail trail about the key worker housing clearly shows that you, Benjamin Trevor Swain, were gleefully in favor of it, just like Nicola. 
:'''Ben:''' You've...Um...
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go. Break a leg, love. And your neck and your wrist. It doesn't really matter. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Nicola and Helen are on a train back to London, when Nicola realizes...)''
:'''Nicola:''' I never act on impulse. I'm so not impulsive. And Malcolm made me do it now, fuck! 
:'''Helen:''' What? 
:'''Nicola:''' Launching this inquiry may prove to be misguided in that I now recall I may have fleetingly supported the policy myself. 
:'''Helen:''' (in disbelief) So you've essentially launched an investigation into yourself.  
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm made me do it. 
:'''Helen:''' Oh, well, Malcolm, yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' You've met Malcolm. I would've said that it was ethically bad. 
:'''Helen:''' I'll tell you what you said, just give me a minute. ''(Helen scoffs)'' Brilliant. Courtesy of the ''Telegraph'' website. You said, &quot;Great revenue raiser, but I'm afraid it's a no-no because of my bloody husband.&quot; I'm sorry. Why would you do that? 
:'''Nicola:''' You remember all your e-mails, do you, that you sent three years ago? Because from what I understand from Ollie, a large number of them were sent to that married producer on the ''Daily Politics.'' 
:'''Helen:''' Ollie is a fucking...because...He was supposed to leave her and...
:''(Helen wants to come up with a better rescue plan.)''
:'''Helen:''' Okay, while we're on our way back to London, maybe we should make a list of the things, you know, you're for and against. Let's start with something simple. Animals in circuses? 
:'''Nicola:''' Tell you what. Why don't you make the little list and shove it up your tight, cold arse? I just need to stare. 
:'''Helen:''' Have a good stare. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(on the phone to Ollie)'' You are not going to try and talk me down off a ledge, are you? Because, I've got to tell you, I'm really tired and the pavement looks like a nice, warm, splatty bed right now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, come on, folks, gather round, grab your cheesy nachos and your fucking [[wikipedia:Vuvuzela|vuvuzelas]]: this is what we've all been waiting for, it's the Queen's fucking speech.  
:''(A few moments later, as Nicola begins her resignation speech...)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Come on, this is fucking history in the making, right, this is the ending of a chapter of a very thin book that nobody enjoyed reading.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' It has become apparent to me that I no longer have the full support of the party.
:'''Malcolm:''' You never had the support of the party, you big bag of fucking useless doubt.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Dan enters the room as Nicola concludes her speech.)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' And here he is, the anointed one!  
:''(Malcolm leads the room in applause)''  
:'''Dan:''' Oh – please, please, I'm not Christ. He was quite a scruffy man.

==Series 4, Episode 5==
:''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma are walking their way upstairs to their office. The news of Nicola Murray's resignation as Leader of the Opposition is being broadcast on TV.)''
:'''Phil:''' There she goes, a tiebreaker in the making. &quot;Who was Nicola Murray? I'll have to hurry you, teams.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Farewell, our shit and useless servant. 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, at least Miller's a step up from Murray. He doesn't have to write Left and Right on his wellies. 
:''(Meanwhile, Stewart is leading his team downstairs at their desks.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I need your attention for 30 of your earth seconds. ''This'' is what will happen.
:'''Phil:''' ''(looking downstairs)'' What the fuck is Stewart doing? 
:'''Stewart:''' You will go to the Z drive. You find a file entitled, &quot;Miller Ascension, Whitehall Arab Spring.&quot; Open, ingest, implement. And after that...''(While Stewart is talking to the team, he sees Peter, Phil and Emma upstairs and makes an &quot;I see you&quot; gesture towards them.)'' I expect both of you, you two...
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, fuck.
:'''Stewart:''' ...to get together...
:'''Peter:''' The man made of space hopper is coming this way.  
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma continue walking.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' This is gonna be about the inquiry. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' I'm thinking I should resign now. 
:''(Emma and Phil are stunned.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''WHAT?'' 
:'''Phil:''' No, you can't do that! You're [[wikipedia:Aslan|Aslan]]! No one shaves your mane! 
:'''Peter:''' I'm not a fucking lion, Phil. There's going to be an inquiry into the death of a man who died because of a policy I signed off on. We all know how this is going to end. I, I, I should take the dignified way out. 
:'''Emma:''' No, you've missed the dignified exit. That was straight away, basically. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(slumping his shoulders)'' Yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now talking about Fergus and Adam's Carer's Pass policy.)''  
:'''Peter:''' The only silver lining in today's cloud of farts is that another one of [[wikipedia:Morecambe and Wise|Morecambe and Wise]]'s policy launches is ruined. 
:'''Phil:''' Are those the carers? They don't look old enough. 
:'''Emma:''' Free travel passes or something. It's another one of Adam and Fergus's Pop-Up Book of Policies. 
:''(As Peter and his team stop by the carers, he politely greets them and shakes their hands.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Peter Mannion, lovely to meet you. What vital work you do. 
:'''Fergus:''' Peter, I'd love to introduce you to the carers...
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Fergus, flatly)'' I've just met them. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now trying to come up with a plan in Peter's office...)'' 
:'''Peter:''' What's my plan? I didn't resign, and now this inquiry's gonna nail me up like fucking [[wikipedia:Barabbas|Barabbas]]. 
:'''Phil:''' Actually, he was the one they let go. Shouldn't have, he's a criminal.  
:'''Emma:''' Wait...We could, we could wrong-foot Murray.
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, how?
:'''Emma:''' You could push for the inquiry to go wider.
:'''Phil:''' Wider? That's mental, we want to shut it down!
:'''Emma:''' No, shush! Just hear me out! We can look into the whole, the whole culture of PFI procurement.
:'''Phil:''' That is a good idea.
:'''Peter:''' Really?
:'''Phil:''' Fuck, that hurt to say! But she-she's right, because, um, Murray's husband's involved in PFI and he's as dodgy as a Russian, – as a Russian.
:'''Emma:''' We can backspin it, Peter, it's good.
:'''Peter:''' But, but is – is revenge a mature response? Let me think: Yes it is. Right, let's poke her in the PFIs.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart is now upstairs talking to more of the DoSAC personnel.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' If you get any channel problems, just swing them past the purple Power Ranger over here. (pointing to Terri)
:''(As Peter leaves his office, he sees the carers again.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Hello again. Vital, vital work, so proud of you. ''(Then Peter walks over to Terri.)'' Terri, I've got a job for you. 
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter, this is all pretty white-knuckle stuff, eh? Is it getting the old adrenaline pumping, assuming it can squeeze past the port and stilton –
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Shut the fuck up, you prancing shit. ''(to Terri)'' Uh, we need to widen the inquiry into Mr. Tickle's death to include the issue of PFI contracts. 
:'''Terri:''' Great. Okay, I'm just working on Fergus's Carers Pass press release...
:'''Peter:''' Aw, good. Could you fuck that to one side for the moment and concentrate on this? Yeah. 
:'''Stewart:''' Let's slip it into neutral for a moment here, Peter. We haven't got a green light from the PM yet, so let's not hit the accelerator. 
:'''Peter:''' Here's another way of looking at it: Let's. Goodbye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to party staff, ahead of Nicola's arrival)'': Right, stop rolling around naked in the headlines; [[wikipedia:Thinking_man's/woman's_crumpet|blind man's crumpet]]'s on the way up. If you're gonna film her on your phones, try not to make it obvious, and no smiling. Not even a wee fucking [[wikipedia:Anne_Robinson|Anne Robinson]], right? The look we're going for should be ''solemn respect'': you know, like blokes modelling underpants.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola Murray is trying to ask Dan Miller, the new Leader of the Opposition, NOT to go through with launching the inquiry.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' This inquiry, you know, it's not really necessary now, so if-if you want to say that, I'll just back down.
:'''Dan:''' ''(unmoved)'' An inquiry wouldn't be a bad thing. A clean break with the past in the minds of the electorate.
:'''Nicola:''' Well, I mean, the electorate, you know, like me. ''(chuckling)'' Quite a lot of them voted me leader, so...
:'''Dan:''' But you only beat me on a technicality. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. I mean the thing is, Dan, ''(Dan nods)'' you know, pragmatically, I'm now a party grandee – ''(Malcolm enters)'' Malcolm, this is a private conversation.
:''(Malcolm takes a chair and sits down.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' You are not a grandee, you are a fucking blandee. No one knew what the fuck you stood for. Political fucking mist. No substance, no weight. You've got all the charm of a rotting teddy bear by a graveside. By the way...women fucking hate you. I can show you the polling. They think you come across like a jittery mother at a wedding. The best thing you ever did in your flatlining non-leadership was call for an inquiry, because that will fuck the government and it will fuck ''you''. So now, please, just fuck off back to your home, you headless frump, and prepare for your column in ''[[wikipedia:Grazia|Grazia]]''.
:'''Dan:''' Steady on, Malcolm, that's a bit strong.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Come on, let's go. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, you, well...You just need to know that you have absolutely fucking done it now, Malcolm, because you are about to find out what it feels like to have me pissing in your tent. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know what? Your piss will never fucking make it into my tent, because by some unforeseen Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco, like every fucking Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco I've had to deal with for the last two years. you'll end up blowing your own fucking stream into your own fucking face. ''There's'' your golden handshake. 
:'''Nicola:''' Finished? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''You're'' finished.
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' We'll see. ''(to Dan)'' Right, well, thanks, Dan. Think about what I said. Also might want to think about the fact there should be an apostrophe in &quot;its&quot; ''(pointing to the &quot;Its Miller Time&quot; sign)'' Illiterate fuckers. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Adam is at Fergus's computer in their office. Adam is showing Fergus an article that will help Fergus distance himself from Peter in the Tickel scandal.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Bingo. We just need to leak it. You saying, &quot;Key worker housing sell-off is possibly the worst idea since the invention of theatre.&quot; 
:'''Fergus:''' Does that give us enough distance from Mannion? 
:'''Adam:''' Oh yeah. This is your Get Out of Jail Free card strapped to a fucking jetpack. We just need to leak it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, obviously it can't look like it came from us. 
:'''Adam:''' Maybe it's time to bring Glenn back into the hub. He's been out on a limb since punk, hasn't he? 
:'''Fergus:''' Thousand-year-old Glenn Fiddich? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. Fucking perfect, he'll love it. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn, meanwhile, is in his office, trying to contact Ollie.)'' 
:'''Glenn''' ''(on the phone)'': Ollie, look, I'm feeling very exposed here. I've got my cock out, it's covered in breadcrumbs and the fucking pigeons are circling. Look, please, just-just ring me back.
:''(Suddenly, Fergus and Adam enter Glenn's office.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Mr. Cullen. We would like you to leak -- ''(pretending to be a magician)'' Wow! This. ''(Adam shows Glenn a [[wikipedia:USB flash drive|USB flash drive]].)'' Don't worry, nothing major, just an email that puts a bit of distance between Fergus and the Tickle affair. 
:'''Glenn:''' What, I go from being a turnip to a leak? Still a fucking vegetable to you, though, eh? 
:'''Fergus:''' You wanna bring Mannion down a peg or 12, don't you, Glenn? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, of course I do. The up his arse Kensington Butcher. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(pointing to the USB flash drive)'' Well, this is the cyanide capsule we'd like you to break into his afternoon brandy. 
:'''Fergus:''' This is it, Glenn. You're off the bench, back on the pitch to score the golden goal in extra time. Come on, mate! 
:'''Adam:''' Pick it up. 
:''(After some thought...)''
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck it. Why not? I'll do it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Good man. Thank you.
:''(Fergus offers to shake Glenn's hand, but Glenn's still a bit, uh, sore...)''
:'''Glenn:''' I don't need to shake your hand.  
:'''Fergus:''' All right. Touchy, but not feely. 
:'''Glenn:''' Just go. I'll just have a look at it. 
:''(As they leave Glenn's office. Fergus and Adam give each other celebratory fist bumps.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' You are a brilliant bullshitter. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, two years doing press for npower, it never leaves you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn sneaks into Terri's office to leak the email from her computer while nobody else is looking. But as he's getting ready to do the deed, Glenn's caught by -- who else? -- Terri.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Glenn! ''(beat)'' What are you doing at my computer? 
:'''Glenn:''' I-I'm just doing Bradford &amp; Bingley a favor. I'm bringing down Mannion by leaking an email. 
:'''Terri:''' A leak? C-Coming from my computer? No. No, get off, get off. ''(pointing to the computer)'' Take that...that, the whatever it is out of the...whatever it is. Take it. Out. 
:'''Glenn:''' No one will think it's you. Nobody leaks from their own computer. Look, you do this for me and I'll make sure that you get the full severance package, no questions asked, with full pension. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(tempted)'' And a lump sum? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, I guess, yeah. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(whispering)'' The thing is, Glenn, I've got -- I've got my eye on a tea shop near Ludlow. Without a lump sum, no tea shop, no can do. 
:'''Glenn:''' Okay, right. This can go straight to Geoffrey at ''The Guardian.'' 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. 
:'''Terri:''' Can we do it together? 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Terri:''' Please? Just your hand on mine and my hand on yours, just do it together. Like, erm...
:'''Glenn:''' Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, okay. 
:'''Glenn:''' Not that I'm saying you're butch. 
:'''Terri:''' No, of course not. 
:''(And with that, Glenn and Terri lock hands on the computer mouse...)'' 
:'''Glenn &amp; Terri:''' One, two, three... 
:''(They click the mouse.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Just send the email. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma arrive at Stewart's office at Number 10. Stewart is preparing a &quot;whiteboard session&quot;...much to Peter's annoyance.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Team Peter. Come on, guys, let's take a little imagination stroll through a virtual inquiry, yeah? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, dear God, not another whiteboard session. I've-I've got a note from my mother, I have a verruca. 
:'''Stewart:''' Just wanna get an overview, Peter, yeah? A helicopter shot of where we currently are. Who's most to blame in the blame garden. Okay, the onion is PFI. Let's peel back some layers. Murray resignation, how do we feel about that? 
:'''Peter:''' What's &quot;Tickle's M Records&quot;?  
:'''Stewart:''' Medical, it's his leaked medical records. 
:'''Peter:''' Leaked? I-I-I thought they were common knowledge. 
:'''Stewart:''' Well, they are now, because they have been leaked. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Did you know about this? 
:'''Emma:''' Well, yeah, Number 10 knew, so I-I knew, yeah. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' What about you? 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, I-I thought Tickle leaked them himself. 
:'''Stewart:''' Who would voluntarily leak their own medical records? You'd have to be mad to do that. 
:'''Peter:''' He ''was'' mad, that's precisely what his records said. 
:'''Phil:''' Exactly. You know, he was a male nurse. That's not just mad, that's mental. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(taken aback)'' Oh, Phil! Did the last 30 years only happen to other people? 
:'''Peter:''' Why didn't I know about this? Leaking medical records ''is'' illegal. Well, I-I -- Now I look guilty and incompetent. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(writing on the whiteboard)'' Ah! Peter, incompetent. 
:'''Peter:''' Look! Don't write that down! I'm not on your sodding onion! 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(continuing writing)'' What is GFU? Good for us. Mmm? 
:'''Emma''' ''(looking at her phone)'': Oh, shit with a capital SHIT! We've got to go.  
:'''Phil:''' Great! ''(stands up)''  
:'''Stewart:''' Hey, no no no no no no no, sit.  
:'''Emma:''' ''The Guardian'' have received an email from Fergus – actually, do you know, strike that, a ''chain'' of emails – Oh, perfect, with all of our comments about Mr. Tickle underneath.
:'''Phil:''' Oh God, not-not the one where we all piled in with the ''[[w:Mr. Men|Mr. Men]]'' jokes?  
:'''Emma:''' Yes, yes. That one, Phil.  
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, you kid me!  
:'''Phil:''' Oh, Jesus!  
:'''Emma:''' I kid you not!  
:'''Peter:''' Oh my giddy fuck.  
:''(They all run back to DoSAC while reading the emails on their phones.)''  
:'''Emma:''' They've leaked all the bloody emails: 'Mr. Tickle sounds like a gropey clown at a kids' party'.  
:'''Peter:''' I can't see! Can I make it bigger?  
:'''Phil:''' Go to Settings. 'Poor ickle Mr. Tickle, perhaps he's mentally sickle.' Must be Fergus.  
:'''Peter:''' Is this Settings? Oh, I think I've just taken a picture of my feet! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Erm... Glenn is in reception.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hoddle? Miller? Close? Morangie?
:'''Ollie:''' Cullen. Glenn Cullen is in reception.
:'''Malcolm:''' Glenn?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' Why are you even fucking telling me that? When the Queen's butler finds a cockroach in the pantry, he just stamps on it.
:'''Ollie:''' Yes...
:'''Malcolm:''' She doesn't even know!
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. Okay! I'll go stamp on the cockroach, Malcolm.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, hey! Shouldn't you be in bed?
:'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you not be here?! Whoa, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! You can't go up there.
:'''Glenn:''' No, I have to. I ''can't'' go back over there, it's like ''[[w:Alien vs. Predator (franchise)|Alien vs. Predator]]''! 
:'''Ollie:''' Glenn!
:'''Glenn:''' I want back in! Here!
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, everybody is... tremendously appreciative of what you've done. It was a noble sacrifice, but--
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean, &quot;sacrifice&quot;? I thought we had a deal! &quot;Sacrifice&quot; sounds very one-sided.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, &quot;piss off&quot; sounds one-sided, but there we go-- ''(Malcolm arrives and pushes him aside)'' Hey! M-Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Why is he still here? Can you not perform a simple task? When there is a shit on your doorstep, you hose it off.
:'''Ollie:''' Right.
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't try to talk it into leaving of its own volition.
:'''Glenn:''' I got rid of Nicola for you, you owe me!
:'''Malcolm:''' I owe you? Your act of treachery wiped the slate clean. [[Rudolf Hess]]'s fucking senile older brother.
:'''Glenn:''' Look, I know you think I screwed up, but I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' You, my friend, you don't exist to me anymore, I can't even fucking hear you.
:'''Glenn:''' Do you want me to beg? Is-Is that it? Because I -- Because I will.
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, [[Mary, Queen of Scots|Mary, Queen of fucking Shits]]: in the old days we would've just slit you up the middle like a fucking Cornish [[wikipedia:Pasty|pasty]], hanged your steaming entrails all around the Tower of fucking London! Catch you later, you fucking traitor! ''(turns to Sam, who has appeared on the stairs)'' Sam, what is it?  
:'''Sam:''' It's a call from Stewart Pearson.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes the phone from Sam)'' Stewart Pearson. ''(to Glenn)'' I'm the fucking wankers' lodestone today. ''(answers the phone, walking away)'' Stewart. Yes, [[wikipedia:Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy|the goatee-bearded guru-boy of Company B]].
:'''Ollie:''' It's a no, Glenn.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart and Malcolm are having a not-so-friendly chat on their cell phones.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, Malcolm, can this wait? Hmm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Word is the PM's considering an inquiry into the culture of leaking. 
:'''Stewart:''' No, no. Do you really think he's going to invite everyone into our complex network of secret little burrows? Open up the whole of Watership Down? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Okay, Bright Eyes. I'm massively fucking reassured. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, you may as well have an inquiry into gravity. Now I have to go, Malcolm, because I've got like a whole country to govern, yeah? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(As Peter, Phil and Emma are coming back to the office, Terri runs up to Peter to beg his forgiveness for the leaking of the chain of emails.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Peter)'' The primary thing I want to say, first and foremost, is that you can't blame me for this. Peter. If-If anything, it's the culture of blame that's to blame for this. 
:''(Peter and his team walk past Terri and, yet again, pass the carers along the way.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers, smiling)'' Great to see you again. Such crucial work you do. ''(to Phil and Emma, angrily)'' Meeting room! 
:''(Team Peter finally make their way into the meeting room.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' Right, ''SIT DOWN!'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As soon as Team Peter enters the meeting room and close the door, Peter really lays into Phil and Emma.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' I can't resign, and I'm not gonna resign. I had the perfect moment to resign, which was right early on, when I could have resigned in a dignified and statesman-like way, and you both advised me not to resign. So now, I can't resign. 
:''(Phil and Emma agree with Peter's decision not to resign.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(still composing himself)'' What's gonna happen is this. One of you has got to go. I want both of you to give me reasons why you shouldn't resign. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(stunned)'' Er, because...because I'm a, a Special Advisor to a...senior cabinet minister. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(while Phil's talking)'' That's a job description, Philip. That's a job description. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(unimpressed)'' That's not a reason. That's just your job -- from which I'm asking you why you shouldn't resign. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(struggling)'' I know everything about you. I am a, a world expert in-in-in Peter Mannion from, uh, PIN number to inside leg measurement. I, I'm-I'm there, um, you know...
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's his inside leg measurement? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' 34. ''(to Peter)'' I've given you everything, Peter, you can't...I mean, I-I don't have anything else, that's the point. I don't, I don't have any friends, I don't have any life, I haven't had sex for five years and I don't even enjoy it, so...you know, I'm not gonna get anyone pregnant. I'm never gonna get anyone pregnant, okay? You know, I'm fucking seedless. Whereas she's just, just a fucking baby bomb, okay? 
:'''Emma:''' Phil, you are just a...
:'''Phil:''' And she's gonna go off all over the office and-and leave you! I'm gonna be here! 
:''(And THEN, to make matters worse for Peter, Terri barges into the meeting room!)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but my-my good name is at stake here.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, Christ...
:'''Terri:''' Peter, you must understand. I am an innocent woman. I'm the DoSAC One. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(fed up)'' That's it! I've had enough! I've had enough of all of you! You're all shit! I'm gonna sort it out by myself! 
:''(Peter leaves the meeting room...but now he's trying to outrun Terri.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' I can't bear that you think about me like this. 
:'''Peter:''' Don't follow me, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' Please...
:'''Peter:''' Stop following me. 
:'''Terri:''' I insist. I insist. I insist, Peter, please...
:'''Peter:''' All right, Terri! I admit it, I'm in love with you! Now fuck off back to your office and organize the wedding! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And now, Fergus and Adam are celebrating what seems to be a triumphant victory.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(happily)'' Mannion goes [[wikipedia:Mel Gibson|Mel Gibson]]. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(chuckling)'' Spot it. 
:''(Fergus and Adam celebrate with a fist bump.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' You know, you know what you've done? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah? 
:'''Fergus:''' You, you, you have bought a fan, you plugged it in, you turned it on, you turned the dial up to maximum. 
:'''Adam:''' It wasn't a weak fan, it wasn't one of those office fans. It was a Dyson. And I stood the other side of it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Did a liquid shit on it. 
:'''Adam:''' Trousers down. 
:'''Fergus:''' And where did the shit go? 
:''(Adam imitates an explosion.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' All over Mannion. 
:''(But then, Fergus's cell phone chimes...)'' 
:'''Adam:''' That's just priceless. 
:'''Fergus:''' Fuck, hang on...
:'''Adam:''' What?
:'''Fergus:''' Um, check the fucking emails. 
:'''Adam:''' What are you talking about? 
:'''Fergus:''' What the fuck did you give to Glenn? 
:'''Adam:''' ''(checking the computer)'' Well, it was just the email, just the...
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but it's the whole -- We're on the email. 
:'''Adam:''' Oh, fucking hell...
:''(Fergus and Adam are now starting to panic.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' Why did you, why did you leave us on the-on the dongle? 
:'''Adam:''' Because he's only supposed to send the fucking top part of it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Why did you give him the choice? 
:'''Adam:''' Because an email has a chain, Fergus, it has a fucking chain that goes all the way down! 
:'''Fergus:''' Adam, there is now shit all over me! How come there is shit on me? Thanks, Adam! 
:'''Adam:''' Look, it's not my fucking fault! He's supposed to redact it! 
:'''Fergus:''' I just wanted one solid shit to go in one direction! Not [[wikipedia:Madras_curry_sauce|Madras]] fucking everywhere!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus and Adam are now going after Glenn.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Hey! [[w:2000 Year Old Man|2000 Year Old Man]]! Why the FUCK did you send the whole email?! Huh?! You were supposed to redact it, send the top email, not the whole fucking exchange! JESUS CHRIST ON A CRYSTAL METH BINGE!  
:'''Glenn:''' Terri and I sent what you gave me.
:'''Adam:''' ''(in hysterical disbelief)'' ''Terri?! Why the fuc–'' THE ONLY REASON I'D EVER ASK TERRI FOR HELP IS TO ''SHOOT'' ME IF I EVER ASKED TERRI FOR HELP!
:'''Glenn:''' Same reason you gave it to me: distance! TWO PEOPLE, TWICE THE DISTANCE!
:'''Fergus:''' BUT TERRI DOESN'T GIVE US ANY DISTANCE! TERRI GIVES ME A TWITCH, ''(points to his eye)'' RIGHT HERE! YEAH, LAUGH IT UP, GLENN, BUT I'VE GOT A TWITCH, ''CALLED TERRI!''
:'''Terri:''' ''(from behind a book shelf, voice cracking)'' I am actually here, you know!
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, and that, in a nutshell, is the whole fucking problem!
:''(Fergus storms off, Adam follows.)''
:'''Adam:''' ''(singsong)'' Fuck you very much! ''(to the carers, who have witnessed the entire exchange)'' Five minutes, guys, yeah?
:'''The Carers:''' ''(moaning)'' Thanks. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(quietly to Glenn)'' Glenn...what about my tea shop? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(sarcastically)'' It got closed! There's been a murder! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' An inquiry into all of leaking, all of leaking! We are so ''–'' We are so screwed! 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's done it. That chinless horse-fiddler. Our fuck-lustrious PM has opened Pandora's fucking Box, and curled a massive steamer right into it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' In the time it has taken for Terri to extract herself from her Bluetooth, this little inquiry has fused! It is now growing faster than the speed of bloody light! It's not gonna be something that we can see ''from'' space, IT'S GOING TO ''BE'' SPACE! [[w:Brian Cox (physicist)|BRIAN COX]] IS GONNA PHONE ME, AND ASK FOR THE FILM RIGHTS!
:'''Peter:''' BUT WHAT LEAK, WHAT LEAK, ''WHAT FUCKING LEAK?!''
:'''Stewart:''' ANYTHING! If I find out that ''anyone'' from here has leaked ''anything'', I will make sure they have to emigrate after this to a country where they don't speak English, and there's no Internet!  
:'''Peter:''' But every-everyone who leaked anything, that would fill the fucking Caspian Sea, we're just a drop in the ocean here!  
:'''Stewart:''' No, no, no, what you are, Peter, is Leak Zero! It started here! You have presided over a shambolic showering of info! Peter Mannion, 'Singing in the Rain'! ''(mobile rings)'' Oh, Christ. ''(answers)'' Hello, Malcolm!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, was this your idea? Because I don't remember signing any suicide pact.  
:'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, look, I'm as shocked about this as you are.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. You sound ''really'' shocked, you big fucking spunk lolly.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, look, I don't even know what that is. But I, you know, I think we all need time to, to process this data, yep?
:''(Fergus and Adam burst in)''  
:'''Fergus:''' WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!  
:'''Adam:''' ''(restraining Fergus)'' All right, Fergus. ''(calmly)'' What the fuck is going on?
:'''Phil:''' [[w:Raiders of the Lost Ark|The Ark has been opened, and your face is gonna melt!]]
:'''Emma:''' There's gonna be an inquiry.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Have I just stepped through a portal into a sausage machine? Because this is making mincemeat of my head. [[wikipedia:It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)|It's the end of the world as we know it]]. To paraphrase a popular fucking [[wikipedia:The Bangles|Bangles]] song. 
:'''Ollie:''' It was, erm...It was [[wikipedia:R.E.M.|R.E.M.]] 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't start contradicting me on that kind of shit. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is trying to talk to Ollie about the importance of leaking in the governmental system.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Leaking is a fundamental component of our governmental system! If a government can't leak, do you know what happens? Dark shit builds up, and then ''–'' it ''bursts!'' And that's something you don't want to see! You think your appendix was bad?  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the gift that's gonna go on giving, believe you me. So you'd better keep your head down. And I don't mean just when you're frequenting your favorite glory holes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Yeah, well...Whereas ''your'' closet is ''completely'' free of skeletons, isn't it, Malcolm? 'Cause you've buried them in a landfill in Essex. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' When this inquiry lands, you'd better have developed a very flat, stony face with no expression. But that'll be easy for you: it's your fucking cum face, isn't it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(Malcolm wants Ollie to visit Nicola at her home)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Just go and stop her doing anything mental, right? Which, given that she thought she could be Prime Minister, the parameters for mental are about as wide as your mother's legs when the fleet's in town.  
:'''Ollie:''' All right, if I'm doing this for you, can we have a bit more respect for my mother, please? Those sailors get lonely.  
:'''Malcolm:''' This is some of my best stuff, and it's being ignored.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, what does that tell you?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' But I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm, I'm supplicating here; I'm a supplicant, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, unfortunately, that ship has sailed, hit a fucking iceberg, sunk, and [[wikipedia:Julian_Fellowes|Julian Fellowes]] has written [[wikipedia:Titanic_(2012_miniseries)|a fucking shit drama]] about it.

==Series 4, Episode 6==
:''(This is the opening scene of this episode. Welcome to the Goolding Inquiry.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' This is an inquiry into the death of Mr. Douglas Tickel. And the practice and culture of the dissemination of confidential information between political parties and the public media. Mr. Weir. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, thank you, Lord Goolding. Um, our first witness today is, uh, is Mr. Stewart Pearson. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart Pearson is ready to testify before the Goolding Inquiry Committee. He takes the oath, but politely declines to put his hand on the Bible.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the Bible holder)'' No, that's, er, it's fine. ''(taking the oath)'' Yeah. Um, I, Stewart Pearson, do sincerely declare and affirm that the evidence I shall give will be the truth, the whole truth and, and nothing but, uh, the truth. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' On page, uh, 235 of your, your witness statement...uh, you describe yourself as the, the &quot;Human Rooter&quot; in government. Can you, uh, can you explain what you meant by that? 
:'''Stewart:''' Um, I'm a...a &quot;router,&quot; in the sense that I control the governmental informational ingestion and egestion process. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Pearson, just to clarify, your job is -- is to make sure that the public perception of your government's program is a positive one, is that fair? 
:'''Stewart:''' It's not about perception, yeah? I believe in government as a transceiver, mmm? 
:'''Simon Weir:''' A transceiver? 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really important, yeah, sure, to give out a, uh, a strong signal, but you -- to be effective, you've got to listen for an echo.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Could you possibly speak in plain English? 
:'''Stewart:''' I'm sorry, I, I...I thought, I thought I was. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So what-what is clear is that you are an important man, Mr. Pearson. 
:'''Stewart:''' I'm just a lad from Leeds with a lust for life, yeah? Um...there's an, uh, an African proverb that's, that's stuck with me, yeah? &quot;If you think you're too small to make a difference, you've never spent a night with a mosquito.&quot; 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So...part of your job is to make sure that the government's message gets across clearly? Is that right? 
:'''Stewart:''' That's correct. And despite the sarcasm marinating in that question, I'm very successful in that endeavor. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(correcting Stewart)'' No, there was no sarcasm intended at all, Mr. Pearson. 
:'''Stewart:''' Sorry, I must have misread your face. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, does your job intrude on your home life? 
:'''Stewart:''' No. No, when I, when I close the front door, I'm...I'm no longer Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' When you...
:'''Stewart:''' I mean, I mean when I close it from the, from the inside. You know, right. When I close it from the outside, then...then I very much am Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So who are you at home? 
:'''Stewart:''' Uh, I'm a husband, I'm a -- pardon me, a lover, I'm a carpenter, I'm a cook, I'm a flautist. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' A...
:'''Stewart:''' A flautist. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Right. 
:'''Stewart:''' I play the flute. And I dabble on the Irish bodhrán. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, and would you like to express any, uh, remorse for Mr. Tickel's death? What would you like to say to his family? 
:'''Stewart:''' Uh, I would like to offer them maximum respect, you know? And maximum remorse. And maximum assurance that Mr. Tickel did not die in vain. We're here. You know? How can we make the government and the media inclusive without being intrusive? Yeah? And if we can answer that, at least we can make sure that there are no more Mr. Tickels. ''(Stewart corrects himself)'' I mean--I mean that not in the sense of, you know, wiping out the Tickel family name. I mean it in the sense that nothing like this will ever happen again. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Hello, Mr. Pearson. Tab 28 in your bundle there, page 263. ''(Both turn to that page in their folders.)'' A paper that you presented in 2006, 'The Iconography of Consensus.' Would you care to summarize the argument you present there? 
:'''Stewart:''' Sure, yeah, the main thrust –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Bearing in mind Lord Goolding's desire for plainness and clarity.  
:'''Stewart:''' Right. Okay. I, um, hypothesise that – Sorry. I ''say'' that the design structure for a parliamentary democracy should be that of the [[wikipedia:Centre_Georges_Pompidou|Pompidou Centre]]: Morally and structurally explicit and open, a porous membrane.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Maybe just a little bit plainer, Mr. Pearson?  
:'''Stewart:''' People should know, er, what politicians are doing.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Brilliant.  
:'''Stewart:''' Thanks.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Government should be porous?  
:'''Stewart:''' Yes.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' But not leaking. 
:'''Stewart:''' Come on, if someone is determined to leak information, there's nothing that anyone can do about that.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' So as Director of Communications, you are unable to prevent sensitive material being communicated to journalists?  
:'''Stewart:''' If someone chokes on a packet of crisps, do you issue an arrest warrant for [[wikipedia:Gary Lineker|Gary Lineker]]?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, is it fair to say that you have in fact changed nothing, and government communications carries on exactly as they did before, by leaks and whispers?  
:'''Stewart:''' No, it is not fair to say that.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In fact, because you disapprove and ''condemn'' these practices, are they not more covert and more hidden and more secret than ever before?
:'''Stewart:''' I think that is-is also an unreasonable assertion.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In spite of your desire to create a political Pompidou Centre, Mr. Pearson, haven't you created the opposite, [[wikipedia:Centre_Point|Centre Point]]? I mean, everybody sees it looming over them but nobody has the faintest idea what happens in there.  
:'''Stewart:''' ''(calmly, but sarcastically)'' I think there's some kind of club on the top floor.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So, Mr. Pearson, have you identified the source of the leak of Mr. Tickel's records?  
:'''Stewart:''' No, no.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked yourself?  
:'''Stewart:''' No. No, I was over that pre-Britpop.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Do you have any idea where the leak might have come from?  
:'''Stewart:''' Well, you know, if this was ''[[CSI: Miami]]'', I guess we'd be looking for the person who'd have most to gain from the leak being made public.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, despite your shirt, this isn't ''CSI: Miami''. Who do you think would benefit most from the leak?  
:'''Stewart:''' Well, I guess I'd be sending [[wikipedia:David_Caruso|David Caruso]] knocking on the door of Mr. Malcolm Tucker.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Malcolm Tucker takes his turn with the Goolding Inquiry.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Can I ask you, &quot;How would you describe yourself?&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Uh, I'm, uh, a media strategist. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' So you would be Stewart Pearson's opposite number? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, uh, I'd be Stewart Pearson's opposite in every possible way, I think. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You have a lot of control and power over your party, don't you? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(laughs slightly)'' I wish, yes. Uh, no. I think that that's been overstated. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So this reputation you have as an enforcer, that's completely misrepresenting you, is it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's baloney. Politicians who have to do things that they don't want to do, such as resign, uh...Because they've been caught with their fingers in the till, or, you know, with their knickers up a flagpole or whatever, they sometimes...It's very convenient for them to have a boogeyman. &quot;Malcolm made me do it.&quot; Well, I didn't make them do it. These are people who just find themselves stuck in a room with one exit and I simply show them the door. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I've highlighted some quotes: The ''Guardian'': 'Malcolm Tucker has the physical demeanour and the political instincts of a ''Velociraptor''.&lt;nowiki/&gt;'  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, the ''Guardian'', the newspaper that hates newspapers.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''Telegraph''.  
:'''Malcolm:''' The ''Telegr-arse''.  
:'''Baroness Sureka'''&lt;nowiki/&gt;''':''' 'Tucker's writ runs through the lifeblood of Westminster like ''r''&lt;nowiki/&gt;''aw alcohol'', at once cleansing and&lt;nowiki/&gt; corroding.' The ''Times'': 'If you&lt;nowiki/&gt; make eye contact with Malcolm Tucker, you have spilled his pint.' The ''Spectator'': '[[wikipedia:Iago|Iago]] with a BlackBerry'; I mean, you're saying these quotes are, what, misguided?
:'''Malcolm:''' The ''Spect-hater''. Erm, no, I'm saying that you are not – you're taking these out of context, you're not contextualising these. If you were to&lt;nowiki/&gt; put them into a perspective, if you were to place them into the landscape, you would see that there might be a lot of axes being ground here. I don't see the difference between what you have just done and a leak, by the way.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, the difference is that what I've just read out was not obtained illegally.  
:'''Malcolm:''' How do you know that? You don't know &lt;nowiki/&gt;what confidences have been breached in order to form these ''opinions'', for that is what they are.  
:'''Ba'''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''roness Sureka:''' So you accept leaking as part and parcel of the political media machinery?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I mean, if you didn't have leaking, the newspapers would just be full of long-lens bikini shots and adverts for sheds and offers to buy three pairs of trousers for a tenner, et cetera, it's just – it's the way it is. Big deal, no one dies.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' One person ''did'' die, Mr. Tucker.
:''(Malcolm simply gives a &quot;so be it&quot; look.)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Would you tell us how it works? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, you do me a favor, I do you a favor, yeah? 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' And what might you expect in return? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Anything. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, a [[wikipedia:Kit Kat|Kit Kat]], you might get -- I've had a Kit Kat. I've had a, uh, a big meal. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Well, I mean, could you give us an example of what you mean? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(going through his notes)'' Um...Well, yes. I...This is the ''Daily Mirror.'' And I could get drummed out of the Magic Circle for showing you this. Anyway, this is the ''Daily Mirror'' about the &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot;, uh, policy of, uh, Mrs. Nicola Murray. ''(Malcolm shows the inquiry committee a picture of the &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot; headline.)'' I was there that day. You can't see me, because I've been cropped out here. But this information here, I made sure that those notes were in that place, that they were available, and that the picture editor, uh, knew where to find them. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Sorry, I'm just trying to...trying to get this clear. Was Mrs. Murray not the subject of huge derision as a result of this? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Uh, no, she was a subject of huge derision before this. 
:''(Chuckles emanate from the gallery.)'' 
:'''Simon Weir:''' You were trying to undermine the leader of your party? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(putting away the picture)'' I was...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you, would you say you were a loyal man, Mr. Tucker? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm loyal, yes. I'm loyal to my party. And, uh, I feel that Mrs. Murray's policies were turning the party into -- I don't know if you've seen those calendars that have got pictures of dogs that are dressed up, and they've got little dresses and hats on. She was turning my party into that, she was humiliating my party. So I thought it was absolutely vital to focus the public's attention onto that. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' And yet you maintain that you had great -- I don't know, what, respect for Mrs. Murray as a person. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, she was a great laugh occasionally, great dancer, she's got terrific hair. She did a good job at DoSAC. A much better job than her successor, who, let's not forget, was playing on a slide when the news of Mr. Tickle's...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Yeah, thank you.
:'''Malcolm:''' ...death came out. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, we're well-versed in the events surrounding the...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' ...the death of Mr. Tickel. ''(beat)'' So, tell me, the PFI email that, uh, led to the, to the resignation of Nicola Murray. Did you, did you engineer that? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes a long pause...)'' No. No. ''(beat)'' No I didn't. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' And, uh, the leaking of Mr. Tickel's health records? Do I mean, do I detect your hand in-in that, for instance? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no no. Look, politics is a war. And politicians, sometimes they lose idealogical limbs, right? They get media shrapnel right in the face. Sometimes they get a bullet right in the brain. Civilians, no. There is no way that I would ever attack a civilian, a real person, and especially not somebody with a history of mental illness. Because ''that'' sort of thing -- makes me queasy. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' So you're a &quot;ethical&quot; leaker, if you will? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I use leaking to show up corruption, to show up hypocrisy, to show up idiocy, and also the fourth horseman of the political apocalypse, duplicity. For instance: Fergus Williams. He's coming up next, right? 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is a guy, he's a member of the junior party in this coalition, right? This guy has already opened a private channel to Dan Miller, the Leader of the Opposition. In order to talk about possibly setting up a coalition with him, because he knows very well that this coalition government that he is lumbered with is being torn to pieces like a bread stick at a picnic. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(very upset)'' Mr. Tucker, you have just used this inquiry to commit a leak in front of us! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I have not committed a leak. Everybody in Westminster knows that these talks have taken place, everyone. You're supposed to be investigating this. You're supposed to be discovering this stuff. Now you cannot not know what I or anyone else tell you, right, you can't not know that. You cannot not know what you now know.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Tucker, are you familiar with the rules of association football? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I understand that if you're gonna have an affair, you'd better take precautions, like getting a superinjuction. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(sternly)'' I ask you, because this is me giving you a yellow card. You are not to use this inquiry to score political points. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I'm, I apologize.  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus Williams takes his turn giving testimony in front of the inquiry.)'' 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Did you see Mr. Malcolm Tucker's evidence earlier? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, yeah, I-Uh, uh, I saw it out of the, out of the corner of my eye. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you like me to read what he said about you? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, no, that's fine, that was the bit that I saw. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Embarrassing, I imagine? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(emabarrassed, but gathering himself)'' Uh, no, not at all. It was, um, almost, uh, flattering, yeah...uh, to get, uh, to get &quot;Tuckered.&quot; It's a, it's a rite of passage in-in-in, in politics. Happens to all of us. It's, you know, it's like when you're in a Russian jail, you get your face tattooed. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Tucker mentioned meetings between you and the Leader of the Opposition. Did these take place? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(after a pause)'' They did, yes. Er, myself and, uh, Adam were part of a team who had very general, noncommittal discussions with, amongst others, Mr. Miller. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' And you discussed a potential future coalition with his party and the removal of your own party leader, is that correct? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(taken aback)'' Sorry, could I possibly answer that question with another question? I mean, not that question I'm just asking, but a further question? 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Go on. 
:'''Fergus:''' You do realise that ''you're'' being spun here, you do see that?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Spun?  
:'''Fergus:''' 'Cause, you know, Malcolm Tucker's not your common or garden spin doctor, right? No, he's the-he's...he's the chief medical officer of spin – he is Spinoza, you see? So he, he didn't come here in order to answer your questions, he came here in order to get ''you'' to then ask ''his'' questions.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Yeah, right, Mr. Williams, I don't want you to answer a question with another question, I want you to answer it with an answer.  
:'''Fergus:''' I mean, he's conducting you like, um – Goldie.
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Did you talk to Mr. Miller about removing your party leader? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Sorry, are you getting Tucker's questions sort of beamed straight into your brain? 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(firmly)'' Mr. Williams. 
:''(A short time later...)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Finally, um, on the subject of frustration, would you say it's difficult to steer policy ideas through your department? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(stumbling in his testimony)'' Uh, yes, there are, uh...blockages. Uh, there is one person in particular and, well, you know, I don't want to identify her -- or him, if she was a man. Uh, but this particular person, uh, is rather inept and has hampered a lot of our initiatives. And she, or her, or him is, um...very difficult to remove. And so she's a, he is a...they are a stubborn blockage, shall we say, like, you know, when you get hair and soap in a-in a-in a plughole with skin flakes.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reassuring)'' Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Williams. That's, that's fine. 
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry, can I just say...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' We are very pressed for time, I'm afraid. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but I really didn't want the last thing I said...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm sorry. 
:'''Fergus:''' ...to be &quot;skin flakes.&quot;
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Peter Mannion is discussing Douglas Tickel with the Goolding Inquiry.)''  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, when did you first become aware of, uh, Mr. Tickel? 
:'''Peter:''' When he became the only, um, key worker to refuse our offer of alternative accommodation. Uh, then he sort of dropped off my radar. The next thing I knew he was sewing badges on his tent, and, uh, shouting abuse through a loud hailer. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Did you ever feel yourself to be culpable in any way for his, for his homelessness?  
:'''Peter:''' Look, he-he was homeless only in the sense that he had no home, erm – ''(There are chuckles from the gallery. Peter briefly turns round to them.)'' No, no, a [[wikipedia:Housing_association|Housing Association]] flat was found, which he-he declined. The ''policy'' didn't make him homeless.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' The policy of selling off the block of flats where he lived.  
:'''Peter:''' He made a positive decision to be homeless. It's the difference between being punched in the face and punching yourself in the face.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Erm – Why do you think, to use your phrase, he, uh, he punched himself in the face?  
:'''Peter:''' ''(stammering)'' Why? Well, because he was mentally, er – because he, he, he had, er, mental issues.
:'''Simon Weir:''' The email leaked to ''The Guardian,'' uh, which you'll find on pages, uh, 276 to 277 in the-in the evidence...uh, one of your advisers describes Mr. Tickel as, um, &quot;fucking [[wikipedia:Florence Nightingale|Florence Shiteingale]].&quot; Do you not feel that's, uh, a little callous? 
:'''Peter:''' (dismissively)'' This is-this is, er, rough-and-tumble office banter, er, schoolboy showers stuff. And-and-and schoolgirl showers. Not that -- I mean, not-not literally, but... 
:''(A few moments later...)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you familiar with the phrase &quot;data smuggling&quot;? 
:'''Peter:''' Data what?
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, passing on data from a closed system to an unauthorised source in exchange for money. 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, yes, right. I see, well it seems everyone's at it. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you at it, Mr. Mannion? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(scoffing)'' No, I'm-I'm-I'm not very good with technology. Uh, the Paper Mate pen is still cutting edge technology as far as I'm concerned. Writes upside-down, you know. 
:''(Matthew Hodge wants to discuss Douglas Tickel's death with Peter.)''  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You've told the inquiry that you didn't feel, uh, at all guilty over Mr. Tickel's death. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(getting defensive)'' Well, I-I-I felt ''bad.'' But-but not ''guilty.'' I-I didn't kill him. I-I've never killed anyone.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, no. I mean, noted, but I mean, do you think you could have made a difference, uh, if you had been contactable that day?  
:'''Peter:''' Why? He wasn't trying to call ''me'', I mean, I-I'm not the [[wikipedia:Samaritans_(charity)|Samaritans]]. In fact, um, uh, apparently, tonally, I-I have a very depressing voice.
:''(But WAIT, Peter -- there's more questions!)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Mannion, do you know Mr. Alistair Leyton, a senior executive at ''The Times''? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Did you ring Mr. Leyton on the 25th of April to tell him that Mr. Tickel's medical records had been unlawfully obtained, and that this might form the basis of an explosive news story? 
:'''Peter:''' Did I, uh, ring him on that day, do you mean? I -- Well, I-I can't remember. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, did you ring him on any day telling him? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(trying to assert himself)'' Look, I came into politics to make a difference, to-to ''dare'', to-to get things done, not-not to ''leak'' things, or-or, or ''spin'' or, or ''blag'' or-or...''smuggle'', but-but to ''serve'' with honest, hard work, to ''do''.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' And did you do something? Did you contact your friend at ''The Times''? 
:'''Peter:''' No, I-I-I didn't do that. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Perhaps we could start by just giving us an idea of what a special adviser does?  
:'''Emma:''' Erm, er, well, technically, essentially, we just advise a minister. Erm, sort of, media strategies, political strategies, that sort of thing.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' But you're not permanent members of the Civil Service?  
:'''Phil:''' Er, no, they're like the, er, the worker ants. We're more like, er – well, not the queens, that would be Peter Mannion and, to a lesser extent, Fergus Williams – we're more like the soldier ants that defend the queens.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you like to add anything, Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Adam:''' Yes, I'm not sure that the ant analogy helps, at all.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Smith, how would you characterise your relationship with Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Phil:''' Well, I think, when you get two silverbacks like Adam and I in a room, there's always going to be a certain amount of chest-beating, but, erm, there's a mutual respect.  
:''(During Phil's answer, Adam embarrassingly puts his head in his hand.)''  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you agree, Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Adam:''' Yes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You yourselves were subject to a leak, weren't you, in the ''Guardian''? How did you feel about the email containing your thoughts about Mr. Tickel's death?  
:'''Adam:''' Erm, it was shameful, and it was insensitive –  
:'''Emma:''' Absolutely.  
:'''Adam:''' – and we would like to apologise for that. It's dreadful.  
:'''Emma:''' I agree, ''(points to Adam and Phil)'' I mean, their comments were absolutely... unforgivable, mortifying.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reading)'' 'How many Mr. Tickles does it take to [[wikipedia:Lightbulb_joke|change a light bulb]]? He doesn't have a light bulb, he's in a tent.' 'How do you turn Mr. Tickle into Mr. Happy? [[wikipedia:Lithium_(medication)|Lithium]].' 'What's the difference between Mr. Tickle and [[wikipedia:Lawrence_Oates|Captain Oates]]? Captain Oates has a less stupid name.' Erm, and one I feel that is particularly cruel, Miss Messinger, given Mr. Tickel's mental health issues: 'The fucker's a nutbag'.
:'''Emma:''' I'm sor-– It-– That is not okay. Sorry.  
:'''Phil:''' If I could add a ''mea culpa'' here rather than dancing around it? Others may choose to attempt to wriggle off the hook of shame, but, um, I cannot, I cannot deny that my name is on those emails, and yet I do not recognise that man. It is me, and yet, it is another, and for that I am truly sorry. This has been a humbling moment in my quest to become the man I know I can be.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good to see you this morning, Infamous Terri Coverley. ''(Terri laughs.)'' Why are you smiling?  
:'''Terri:''' I'm not smiling. Or rather, I'm smiling, but it's something I do when I'm nervous, erm –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You have a guilty conscience?  
:'''Terri:''' No no, no no. No, I don't have a guilty conscience but I do have a guilty face, erm – I do blush a lot and that's a circulation thing, not a moral thing, though I do ''act'' guilty, erm – When I was a child, erm, my brother's hamster was put into a remote control aeroplane, tragic consequences, and, erm, unfortunately I was blamed for that, although I had nothing to do with it, it was that I just looked guilty, so I would ask you to bear that in mind.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Can you explain to us how communications works in government?  
:'''Terri:''' Well, erm, I use an analogy. Erm, I like to think that dealing with the press is not so much herding ''cats'', it's more herding sheep, and I am the shepherdess, erm, if you like, it's – In order to be an efficient shepherdess, one needs a number of things, I mean – Firstly, one needs a whistle. That's my voice. Secondly, one needs a coat, and that's my coat. And thirdly, one needs a dog, and that in my case is a lady called Robyn.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you say that there is a culture of bullying within DoSAC? If I could ask you first, Ms Murdoch.  
:'''Robyn:''' Erm, I'd say there was a culture of bullying ''me'' at DoSAC.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' You've experienced bullying there?  
:'''Robyn:''' Well, you know, I see them all standing around, you know, chattering like squirrels on Red Bull, and when I ask them what they're talking about, they usually bark a tea order at me; or, you know, or call me, er, the blonde bombshite, if I can use that word, or some other horrible sweary thing.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' That's the form the bullying takes?  
:'''Robyn:''' And if you refuse to make your boss's tea, you know, they call you [[wikipedia:Mariella_Frostrup|Mariella Shitstrop]]. Or [[wikipedia:Nancy_Sinatra|Flouncy Sinatra]], which doesn't even really work!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie Reeder is ready to deliver his testimony in the inquiry, but first, Lord Goolding makes an important announcement.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' As you can see, Baroness Sureka is not with us and will remain absent while she deals with the personal allegations published in ''The Sunday Times.'' This in no way invalidates this inquiry, nor does it compromise the integrity of any questioning conducted by Baroness Sureka. Mr. Hodge. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you. ''(to Ollie)'' Uh, Oliver Reeder, you were a senior adviser to Nicola Murray during her time as Secretary of State at DoSAC. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yup. I was, uh, ''the'' senior adviser. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good, and when Ms. Murray became Leader of the Opposition, uh, you were also one of her senior advisers? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, again, ''the,'' the senior adviser, yeah. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' I see, and now you're a senior adviser to Mr. Dan Miller? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, a slightly less pivotal role with, with Dan, but part of this, kind of, a larger pivot, really. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, thank you. Uh, Mr. Reeder, they say that in politics, knowledge is power. 
:'''Ollie:''' True, yes. Although that doesn't mean that Carol Vorderman should be, uh, Prime Minister. Er...Or I should've, or maybe I should say Stephen Fry, 'cause Carol's just maths, but yeah. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' You've known, um, Malcolm Tucker for, for, for some years now. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes I have, yes. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' He seems like, uh, an intimidating person. Is he? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, well, I mean, not, not to me. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' No? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. Uh, no. Uh, no, although he doesn't, he doesn't suffer fools gladly, I think that's fair to say. Or clever people, to be honest. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' So he's never, uh, bullied you? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, do I-do I look like I could be bullied by Mr. Tucker? I...No. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Could you turn to Tab 9? You'll find it in your, in your folder there. Yeah. Um, we have some, uh, some quotes here: Some, uh, evidence of-from several civil servants who all independently suggest that, uh, Mr. Tucker, in fact, regularly ''did'' bully you. 'Mr. Tucker threatened to remove Mr. Reeder's appendix, throw away Mr. Reeder, and appoint the useless flap of colon as special adviser.'  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well that's – yes. ''(laughs)'' That's banter.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' 'Mr. Tucker told Mr. Reeder that he would have him smothered, eviscerated, stuffed, ''(Ollie laughs)'' fitted with wheels, and donated to an orphanage.'  
:'''Ollie:''' That's, what – 'Cause this is out of context, what you don't have there is my reply. And so, you know, it's just him.
:'''Simon Weir:''' And what was that?
:'''Ollie:''' Er – Well, I don't remember what it was on this occasion, but it would have been a, you know, it would have been a zinger, because I gave as good as I got, so...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Very good. 
:'''Ollie:''' So it's not bullying.
:'''Simon Weir:''' Is there anything about the leaking of the so-called, uh, PFI email that you feel that this inquiry should, should be aware of? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh God, um...I mean, I'm...I mean, to be brutally frank, I'm struggling to remember here, but...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Well, please take your time. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, of course. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' There's no hurry. 
:'''Ollie:''' Of course, yeah. I mean, I think, you know, what you have to remember in this instance is that on the day that all of that stuff took place, um, I was in hospital. So I'm, you know, I was cut off, essentially. I didn't have a phone...
:'''Simon Weir:''' I mean, I hadn't mentioned, uh, the use of a phone, I mean...
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, no, I know. I'm simply saying I was...
:'''Simon Weir:''' You weren't working remotely from the hospital? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(stammering)'' No, no, not remotely. Um, uh...In-in-in either sense. No. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Did you have any visitors? 
:'''Ollie:''' Erm...
:'''Simon Weir:''' You must be able to remember that. 
:''(Ollie's still drawing a blank.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Well, if you're not completely sure, Mr. Reeder, we can always check with the visitors' records. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, don't -- let's not do that, um, let's not do that for the moment. Let me just...just give-bear with me. Er...but I...did, yes. I think I was visited by, um, by colleagues from the office. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Can you give us a name? 
:'''Ollie:''' Um...Uh, Malcolm is a name, is, um...is his name. Malcolm's name. Malcolm. Malcolm Tucker visited me. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Um, I'm assuming this wasn't a social visit. What did, uh...What did he want? What did Mr. Tucker want? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(getting anxious again)'' He wanted to...Wait, okay...I mean, I'm really-I'm -- I'm anxious, I'm keen, I'm trying my best to answer your, uh, questions truthfully, but...
:'''Simon Weir:''' I should remind you you are under oath, Mr. -- 
:'''Ollie:''' Absolutely, yes, I'm under oath, so this is...But, but...uh, what you have to understand is everybody has something on everyone here, right? So in this circumstance, if you inadvertently say or do something, um, uh, you know, that you shouldn't, then that's it. That's it, that's it. It's done. Your career is done. You know, look what happened to, um, a member of this inquiry, right? So you have to...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Reeder, this is not the place to discuss those allegations. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, of course, of course. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Reeder, if you feel -- You feel under pressure, am I right? Is that because of something that you know? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(still stammering)'' Yes. Well, no. Uh -- General pressure, I feel under a sort of -- Just that, it's the jitters of work. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Who leaked the email, Mr. Reeder? 
:'''Ollie:''' Glenn Cullen. Er, he was in DoSAC at the time and he, uh, still had access to the email and he hated his life. And he, he, you know, he hated Nicola Murray because she'd previously destroyed his chances of standing as an MP. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Most helpful, Glenn Cullen is our next witness. Most interesting, thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, well, okay. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' That's fine, thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Baroness Sureka has successfully returned to the inquiry, and Glenn Cullen is ready to give his testimony.)'' 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Cullen. I wonder if I could start by taking you back to that time two years ago, you left Nicola Murray and you went to work for Fergus Williams. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, yes I did, that's right. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' And then you found yourself, um, in a coalition with the very party that you opposed. That must have been extremely distressing. 
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, no, not at all, as a matter of fact. I-I was very invigorated by the idea of, uh, trying to forge a new way in politics. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, so all was rosy? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, um -- I can't think of any negatives. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' No friction? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, the only &quot;F&quot; word was &quot;Fun.&quot; 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you, Mr. Cullen. Thank you. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Cullen, would you say there's a culture of leaking in the government? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, I would. Yes, leaking and lying. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' To your knowledge, have any of your colleagues lied to this inquiry? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, I mean, that's a bit like asking, you know, um -- &quot;Does a cow drink milk?&quot; 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Does it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Probably. But what I meant to say was, yes, um, my colleagues lie constantly. It's a...professional necessity. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked, Mr. Cullen? 
:'''Glenn:''' First of all, may I just say, uh, welcome back, Baroness Sureka. Big hugs. I'm sure I speak for everyone here when I say that we're all thinking of you... 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I'd rather you, um, swapped the ham-fisted flattery for actually answering my question, which was, &quot;Have you ever leaked?&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. No, it's a very simple question and it's got a very simple answer. No, I haven't. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Um, you'll be aware of Ollie Reeder's testimony to the inquiry where he said that, uh, you were, in fact, responsible for the PFI leak. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes I am. ''(Glenn quickly corrects himself.)'' By which I mean to say I am aware of, of that. But gosh, you've got to be careful what you say here, haven't you? 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You most certainly do, Mr. Cullen. Let's hope we're both up to it. Is there any truth at all to Mr. Reeder's accusations? 
:'''Glenn:''' Absolutely none whatsoever. He's talking out of hi -- Out of his other cheeks, if you...
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Why would Oliver Reeder suggest that you were behind the PFI email leak, then? 
:'''Glenn:''' I've absolutely no idea. It's very difficult for me to get into the mindset of somebody so entirely self-serving and, um...spiritually ugly. I mean, anyone who's been unfortunate enough to have come across Ollie Reeder will know that he is a genuinely...atrocious person. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe Mr. Reeder was trying to cover himself, in that case? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, I do believe he has the emotional tools for the task. Yes, certainly. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe that Ollie Reeder was behind the leak? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(after a long pause...)'' No. You see...a-a leak of this magnitude would require one essential item that Ollie lacks. And that's a spine. He is a man without a spine. He is a man-worm. He's a writhing mollusk without any strategies or convictions. He-he simply slimes his way into the nearest crack every night, and I would like to put on record that I apologize to this committee for being the man who brought him into the world of politics. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you for returning to this inquiry, Mr. Tucker.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That's no problem. I had a hair appointment, but I think they can fit me in next week.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' There's no need to be so flippant about this inquiry.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it's just, you know, you keep asking me the same questions, I can't really help it if you don't like the answers.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Maybe you can try a little harder in answering. I'm amazed you stayed at the top of politics for quite so long with such apparently poor powers of recall.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, maybe it's my age – it's good to see you back, by the way.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Thank you, nice to see you too.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' At your last appearance at this inquiry, you admitted that you have leaked, is that correct?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, everyone leaks: many many people who have appeared here in front of you have leaked, but they've just lied about it to you.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, that's an incredibly serious charge; do you have any evidence to substantiate that allegation?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Will you forgive me if I don't do your job for you? Because if you can't spot a sprayed-on halo of someone doing a &quot;what, me guv?&quot; panto act, then maybe you shouldn't be sitting behind that desk.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' At your last appearance we asked you very specifically how you came by Mr. Tickel's NHS number and National Insurance number, and you could not recall. Have you had any more time to think about it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I have.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' And could you tell us any more?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You've got no recollection at all?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No. And by the way, you should not be talking to me about this because you've been a victim of leaking, a very unfortunate victim, and I have every sympathy with you, but how can you possibly give me a fair hearing when you've been a victim of the very crime that you are accusing me of? You are prejudiced; this entire inquiry, therefore, is prejudiced.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I can see what you're doing, it smacks of desperation and it will not work.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Does it? No, listen, there you go again, see, that's you, you're just rushing to judgement. You are totally discredited here.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I am obliged to remind you, Mr. Tucker, that you are under oath, and if you lie to this inquiry, it may result in a criminal prosecution.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, please don't insult my intelligence by acting as if you're all so naive that you don't know how this all works. Everybody in this room has bent the rules to get in here, because you don't get in this room without bending the rules. You don't get to where ''you'' are without bending the rules, that's the way it is.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Tucker, I am going to give you one more chance to respond to my question. How did you acquire Mr. Tickel's NHS number and his National Insurance number?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Who said I acquired it?  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' A photograph.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no, the photograph shows me holding it. It doesn't show me acquiring it. You'd have to ask the person that gave me the folder.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Who gave you the folder?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't remember.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You are being deliberately evasive.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ... I – I don't recall, you know, I don't know, I can't remember.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Very well. Regardless of how you came by Mr. Tickel's mental health records, did you then leak them to the media?
:'''Malcolm:''' I can't recall.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So that's not a denial?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Je ne remember rien.''
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, if you can't recall, it leaves open the possibility that you did leak them. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Let me tell you this. The whole planet's leaking, everybody is leaking! You know? Everyone's spewing up their guts onto the internet, putting up their relationship status and photos of their [[wikipedia:Vajazzle|vajazzles]]! We've come to a point where there are people, ''millions'' of people, who are quite happy to trade a kidney in order to go on television! And to show people their knickers, to show people their skid marks, and then complain to ''[[wikipedia:OK!|OK!]]'' magazine about a breach of privacy! The exchange of private information – that is what drives our economy. But, you come after me because you can't arrest a landmass, can you? You can't cuff a country. You might as well just go and – you can't lynch that guy there, can you? But you decide that you can sit there, you can judge and you can ogle me like a [[wikipedia:Page_3|Page 3]] girl. You don't like it? Well, you don't like yourself. You don't like your species, and you know what? Neither do I, but how ''dare'' you come and lay this at my door! How ''dare'' you blame ME -- for THIS! Which is the result of a political class, which has given up on morality and simply pursues popularity at all costs. I am you and you are me.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Are you finished?
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, I'm finished anyway. You didn't finish me.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Would you like to stand down?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(getting up and walking out)'' Thanks, m'Lord.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Although you did previously describe yourself as a shepherdess. ''(Robyn laughs)'' Now, did you have something to add to that?  
:'''Robyn:''' I just – Shepherdess, did she say – ''(to Terri)'' Did you say shepherdess?  
:'''Terri:''' Yes, I was giving an analogy – I mean, to be fair, erm, perhaps it would have been more accurate for me to describe myself as a sheep in shepherdess's clothing. Do you follow?  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Er, no, not completely, no.  
:'''Robyn:''' The shepherdess analogy's floored him.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Your own privacy is important to you.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, I have a meditation room at home.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, you know, I think we all have one of those at home.  
:''(all chuckle)''
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, right, er – do you mean a toilet? Yeah, 'cause I'm talking about a dedicated meditation room.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I see.  
:'''Stewart:''' Although it did actually use to be a toilet, it made it easier to plumb in the waterfall.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In less figurative terms, what is the nature of your job?  
:'''Terri:''' Well, I don't like to toot my own trumpet, as they say, but I like to think of myself as God: erm, I fashion DoSAC in mine own image, er, to quote the Bible. ''(looks for the Bible on her desk)'' Erm, that's in the Bible, isn't it?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Sorry, what exactly do you mean?  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm not sure I follow you.  
:'''Terri:''' Oh, well I'm – Sorry. Erm, I'm a translator. Um, I translate, from the outside world, things that come into the department, and vice versa.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' So are you saying you change what you hear? You manipulate?  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, it's a bit, erm – ''[[wikipedia:Songs_of_Praise|Songs of Praise]]''. There's a deaf and dumb lady doing deaf and dumb language.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Sign language?  
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well it's like that, I take the ugly words, and I translate them, as it were, into a beautiful gesture.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' If I'm to understand you correctly, you stop information going to and from your department, and you change what that information is.  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, I ''didn't'', I didn't say that –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' No, on the contrary, you ''did'' say that.  
:'''Terri:''' No, er –&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Lord Goolding:''' You can understand how suspicion might fall upon you, given your antipathy to Mrs. Murray as a leader.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola's real name is 'If Wet Nicola Murray'; if she worked for the West End, her name would always be preceded by the words, 'Tonight the role of Mary Poppins will be taken by' Nicola Murray. Because she's basically an understudy who got lucky, she got on, she got to play the lead. But she wet herself, she was too frightened, and she went home crying, you know; it happens.

==Series 4, Episode 7==
:''(In this scene, the phone in Peter's office keeps running, and he keeps picking up the phone -- only to hang up without really answering. While he's doing this, Phil enters Peter's office.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Look, Phil. Every petty criminal in the country is in a holding pattern, because that barrel of cocks at the Home Office can't process their arrests quick enough. ''(Peter disconnects his phone.)'' So why am I the one who has to gimp himself out all day to Martha Kearney and Eddie Mair? 
:'''Phil:''' Because since the inquiry, DoSAC looks toxic and weak, and they're just trying to pile all the government's ills on top of us. 
:'''Peter:''' Who's fault's that, Phil? 
:'''Phil:''' I've said I'm sorry about the inquiry, okay? I started writing you a letter but it just seemed pretentious. Look, if it's any consolation, I haven't felt that humiliated since my trunks fell down at the school [[wikipedia:Swimming_gala|swimming gala]].
:'''Peter:''' It's of absolutely no consolation to think of you naked in front of 500 boys.
:'''Emma:''' ''(walking in, on her phone)'' Yeah, absolutely, Trevor. OK, yeah, drinks soon. Yeah, you too. OK, bye. ''(hangs up)'' Oh, God! I just felt my ovaries cringe. I'm trying to flirt our way out of this police backlog.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil:''' I thought we weren't talking to [[wikipedia:The_Proclaimers|The Proclaimers]].
:'''Peter:''' We have to play happy families for Mary, pretend I don't actually want to strangle Fergus's bollocks so they look like glacé cherries.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emma:''' You are telling me that you have been running parts of this country, Terri. What the fuck are you trying to do, [[wikipedia:2012_phenomenon|prove the Mayans right]]?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Meanwhile, an unarrested feral underclass has gone [[wikipedia:Mad_Max_(franchise)|Mad Max]], and police station waiting rooms are heaving like the hedgehog carvery at a gypsy wedding.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter. This ''[[Wars of the Roses|War of the Roses]]'' with the Home Office? It ends now. We want a united realm. There's no vision in division.
:'''Peter:''' Well, yes there is; ''(looks to Fergus's office)'' anyway, tell [[wikipedia:Perkin_Warbeck|Perkin Warbeck]] over there.  
:'''Stewart:''' OK people, could we briefly form a coherent group?  
:'''Terri:''' Mary Drake is in the building, she's on her way up.  
:'''Stewart:''' OK...Shields up, guys; Centurions, we're forming a [[wikipedia:Testudo_formation|tortoise]].
:''(Adam approaches Terri, and he's holding a ThinkSocially pamphlet in his hand.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Terri, ThinkSocially. Did I sign off on this? Because I hadn't heard of ThinkSocially until I said it just then. 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, uh...
:'''Adam:''' So what is it? 
:'''Terri:''' Simple explanation. 
:'''Adam:''' Love to hear it. 
:''(But as Terri gets ready to explain, Mary Drake from the Home Office has arrived at DoSAC...and she's not happy.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(moaning)'' Oh, God. Here-Here's Mary. Bunch up, everyone, so she doesn't see the corpses. 
:''(Peter then hides in his office.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Look, synchronize lies, all right? ''(Emma approaches Mary and shakes her hand.)'' Mary, hi. Hi, Emma, we met at the away day. I so enjoyed our, our mood play. 
:'''Mary:''' Yes, you actually did, didn't you? ''(to Terri)'' Oh, you must be the legendary Terri. ''(Mary shakes Terri's hand)'' I've heard a great deal about you. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, oh, please, don't, uh, don't believe everything that you hear. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(sharply)'' I fully intend not to. ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. Chakras balanced? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, sorry. Tiny bit of, uh, housekeeping. ''(to Terri)'' Terri, um, uh, ThinkSocially? Uh, just checking in on that. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes. Yes, it's a go thing. Double-stamped, yes. 
:''(Peter emerges from his office and greets Mary with an uneasy smile.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Mary! Great to see you again. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(flatly)'' I'm here in an angry capacity. 
:'''Peter:''' Ah! The cream in our coffee, Mary. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to all)'' The message from the Home Office is this: Move away from the backlog. There's nothing to see. Let the police do their jobs, let us do ours. 
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry to be, uh, ''contrary,'' Mary, but Peter and I have just been discussing this very issue. 
:'''Mary:''' Shut up! Let me tell you something now: DoSAC is one rat's whisker away from being shut down and subsumed by the Home Office, and put in charge of cocking up the tea run! And I like mine weak, and white. Like my men. ''(leaves)''
:'''Peter:''' Stewart, any thoughts from within your fucking dream yurt?
:'''Stewart:''' I will go and try and de-frag this situation, but I am staying strictly macro. ''(leaves)''
:'''Adam:''' Subtitles, you need subtitles!
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Terri)'' Sorry, erm, ThinkSocially. Terri, would you mind explaining ''rationally'' why I appear to be giving a ringing endorsement to a piece of shit that I've never even heard of?
:'''Terri:''' It's not my fault, it's the-it's the double-stamping nonsense, that's the reason.
:'''Adam:''' Oh, really? Because right now, I want to double-stamp on your fucking throat.
:'''Terri:''' I'm gonna take that seriously as a physical threat!
:'''Adam:''' You know, one of the many many things that baffles me about you is you remain unmurdered!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is entering Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' M. Tucker.
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Um...We need to have a little chat. 
:'''Ollie:''' You're not splitting up with me, are you? Because I'm pregnant and it's quads, so, you know...You're not laughing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm laughing on the inside. Which is a tad ironic, because I'm leaving here in five minutes to get arrested. 
:'''Ollie:''' Hang on. Sorry...Uh, you're gonna be arrested at the exact same time that Dan Miller's doing his Lewisham walkabout? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. But I'm going to Brentford where nobody will be watching me, because they'll all be with him. 
:'''Ollie:''' So, the Leader of the Opposition is going to be filmed at a police station at the exact moment that his Head of Communications is being arrested. Yes, okay, great, great, so that's a sack full of face-chewing rats, thank you very much.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, it's – This is what you have to deal with, right? It's just another day at the fuck office.
:'''Ollie:''' So now I have to step into your shoes, but ''after'' you've shat in them.
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, look at me! I'm not pulling anything out of a magic hat. The rabbits are falling to pieces, their fucking heads are coming off and frightening the kids. So somebody else is going to have to help out.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, who says I even want to be you, Malcolm? Who says that?
:'''Malcolm:''' Nobody says that. Except every screaming atom of that etiolated stick of fuck you call a body says that. Every fibre of your being, every stamen...says that. But you are not me, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' No.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you never will be me. I knew Malcolm F. Tucker, sir...and you are no Malcolm Fucking Tucker. You're not even fucking Manchester's top Malcolm Tucker tribute band. And trying to be me? ''You?!'' Trying to be me will fucking kill you. I give you 18 months before you're a washed out, weeping, alcoholic. With no fucking bladder control. Sleeping on your brother-in-law's sofa.
:'''Ollie:''' And so on, and so on. It doesn't have to be like that, now, Malcolm. Politics has actually changed, right?
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah! Yeah, and you probably haven't noticed because you've been on transmit for the last fucking eight years: &quot;Wah wah wah wah wah!&quot; And whilst you've been doing that, everybody else has been changing, and it's all a bit softcore now, it's all about algorithms now. You don't have to be Malcolm Tucker to sit in that chair.
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, how quickly they grow up. You fucking think you know me?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yeah. Yeah, I know you.
:'''Malcolm:''' You know [[wikipedia:Jackie Chan|Jackie fucking Chan]] about me. YOU KNOW FUCK ALL ABOUT ME! ''I'' am totally beyond the realms of your fucking tousle-haired, fucking dimwitted compre-fucking-hension! I don’t just take this fucking job home, you know. I take this job home, it fucking ties me to the bed, and it fucking fucks me from arsehole to breakfast. Then it wakes me up in the morning with a cup full of ''piss'' slung in my face, slaps me about the chops, to make sure I’m awake enough so it can kick me in the fucking bollocks! This job has taken me in every hole in my fucking body! MALCOLM IS GONE, you can't know Malcolm, 'cause Malcolm is not here! Malcolm fucking left the building fucking years ago! This is a fucking husk! I am a fucking host for this fucking job! Do you want this job?
:'''Ollie:''' ... Yes.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes! You ''do'' fucking want this job! Then you're gonna have to fucking swallow this whole fucking life and let it grow inside you like a parasite, getting bigger and bigger and bigger until it fucking eats your insides alive and it stares out of your eyes and tells you what to do!
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this sounds like the fucking video you leave on YouTube after you've blown your brains out!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm as dead as fucking [[wikipedia:Two-tone_(music_genre)|two-tone]]. But I can fashion my own exit.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Christ. What, are you gonna [[wikipedia:Suicide_tourism#Switzerland|fly to Switzerland]] and have a wank off a nurse and a bye-bye pill, are you?
:'''Malcolm:''' Funny, funny man. Political exit.
:'''Ollie:''' No, I know.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm gonna leave the stage with my head held fucking high, right? What you're going to see is a masterclass in fucking dignity, son. The audience will be on their feet. &quot;There he goes,&quot; they'll say. &quot;No friends - no real friends - no children, no glory, no memoirs.&quot; ... Well, fuck them.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola has discovered that Declan, the journalist due to interview her, is the man behind 'Mr Chop'!)''
:'''Nicola:''' I am, uh...ever so close to being on the verge of bawling my fucking eyes out' disappointed about this. I mean, this was it, was it? What was the alternative, going on Strictly Come Dancing and doing a fucking hooky waltz with [[wikipedia:Abu_Hamza_al-Masri|Abu Hamza]]? This is pretty low. This is lower than my mother's pelvic floor, Helen.
:'''Helen:''' I had to virtually go on the game to get you this. So, frankly, I don't care whether he wants to roll around in applesauce with you. Get in there and do as you're told. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(taking a breath)'' Right. I will go, because I'm choosing to go in. But I just need you to know for the record...
:'''Helen:''' Just get in there before I push you in. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(At [[wikipedia:Lewisham|Lewisham]] Police Station, where private contractors have reduced the arrest backlog.)''
:'''Dan:''' Ollie, what the fuck are we doing here? Everything's fine. I'm like lube at a funeral.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. I can't believe it but DoSAC have actually turned this around, they've [[wikipedia:Apollo_13|Apollo 13]]'d it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and his lawyer are trying to get out of [[wikipedia:Brentford|Brentford]] Police Station. They come across a policeman escorting a prisoner.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Scuse me, is there another way out of here?
:'''Prisoner:''' You could hang yourself.
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and his lawyer are running away from reporters to their taxi, but it drives off)''
:'''Malcolm:''' HEY! GET THE FUCK BACK HERE! ''(the taxi stops and they get in)'' Jesus Christ! Go! Go go go! ''(the taxi drives off)'' You fucking drive off like that again, and I'll stick your meter so far down your throat you'll be able to tell the price of your next ''shit''.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Come out, everyone! Tally-ho, yoo-hoo! Come on, bring out your fucking dead! Right, everybody listen, I've got an announcement to make, erm... 
:'''Phil:''' What is it, you got an erection?
:'''Glenn:''' No. I would like to tell you all that I'm resigning!
:'''Phil:''' Is that it?
:'''Glenn:''' No, you closeted [[wikipedia:Regency_era|Regency]] homosexual, that is not it. Morally, this department is in the gutter!
:'''Fergus:''' Thanks for the speech, Glenn, but we have work –
:'''Glenn:''' ''(grabs a desktop lamp)'' YOU STAY AND TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT! I will lamp you, with a lamp!
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, you've gone a tiny bit psychotic, my love.
:'''Glenn:''' ''(puts down the lamp)'' You, Fergus, when you asked me to join you, all you had was your principles, but over the last two years, you've bent like a human fucking palm tree, swaying to the guff of these six-toed born-to-rule pony-fuckers.
:'''Adam:''' If you're gonna go, just go. Spare us this [[Network (film)|Peter Finch bullshit]].
:'''Glenn:''' Oh! Adam, you're waiting for your turn! Oh no! I remember, it's your turn right now!
:'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Bring it.
:'''Glenn:''' You are simply the most loathsome human being I have ever met. 
:'''Adam:''' Yep.
:'''Glenn:''' You were so well-suited at the ''Mail'', it's a shame you came over here!
:'''Emma:''' Hear, hear! ''(she and Phil clap)''
:'''Glenn:''' Do you know what? I hate you both: [[wikipedia:Tweedledum_and_Tweedledee|Tweedle-twat and Tweedle-prick]]! You contribute absolutely ''nothing'' to the world, so thank fucking God you have ''no power!''
:'''Fergus:''' Er, we do actually, it's –
:'''Glenn:''' No, you don't. And Peter: it's been dreadful. I hope your cock falls off. Phil, do you know what you are? You're like an eight-year-old trapped in a twelve-year-old's body.
:'''Phil:''' ''(gleefully)'' This is great! Why isn't anyone filming this?
:'''Glenn:''' And Emma.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, yeah, do Emma, do Emma!
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, Emma, I'm sorry, you're just a standard-issue insipid posh bitch. That's it! Terri? ''(takes a pair of scissors)''
:'''Phil:''' Oh, whoa, whoa.
:'''Glenn:''' I don't think I've ever met anyone quite so proud, and yet quite so useless. But I do have to thank you, ''(takes his pass and cuts it up)'' because I have managed to stay in shape, purely though the energy I spend in pitying you every day!
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, you're just embarrassing yourself.
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck you all up the wrong 'un! Ta ta! Bye bye! ''(leaves)''
:'''Phil:''' That was better than IMAX ''[[Inception (film)|Inception]]''.
:'''Emma:''' Poor, poor Glenn!
:'''Peter:''' Should we try and get him back?
:'''Emma:''' Fuck, no. He's gone completely mental!
:'''Adam:''' He's gone Glenn-tal.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm's last line)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I want to say something. I want to say something! ''(long silence)'' It doesn't matter.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As the Team DoSAC Coalition is celebrating Malcolm's arrest -- with some booze, no less -- Mary Drake returns with some big news.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking on the job, Peter? Why not? You've already got the efficiency of a man who's half cut. 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, then I must have dreamt that, uh, my idea had ''successfully reduced the arrest backlog?''
:'''Mary:''' DoSAC did do rather well today, uh, actually. 
:'''Terri:''' Thank you. 
:'''Mary:''' But there's a conspicuous blockage that will lead to a personnel change. 
:''(Mary then turns to Stewart, who's sitting on the floor.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. You're out. You're gonna be pickled in a think tank. 
:'''Terri:''' What? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(scoffing)'' Of course I am, Mary. And whose authority is this coming from, hmm? 
:'''Mary:''' The PM, whilst acknowledging the need for thoughts, is keener on actions these days. I'm gonna be providing those. Stewart, there's no need for you to clear your desk, because you're a walking thought pod, aren't you? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(calm, but clearly unhappy)'' Absolutely. Thank you very much...Thanks, um...
:''(But then, Stewart launches one last razor sharp parting shot.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' You know, I've spent ''ten'' years detoxifying this party, hmmm? It's been a bit like renovating an old, old house, yeah? You can take out a sexist beam here, a callous window there, replace the odd homophobic roof tile. ''(Stewart finally gets up.)'' But after a while you realise that this renovation is doomed. Because the foundations are built on what I can only describe as a solid bed of ''cunts.''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(This is the show's closing line.)''
:'''Peter:''' What a shit day!

== Cast ==

'''The Government'''
* [[w:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Malcolm Tucker]]
* [[w:Paul Higgins (actor)|Paul Higgins]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Jamie McDonald]]
* [[w:Alex MacQueen|Alex MacQueen]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Julius Nicholson]]
* [[w:Rebecca Front|Rebecca Front]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nicola Murray]]
* [[w:|Eve Matheson]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Clare Ballentine]]
* [[w:Justin Edwards|Justin Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ben Swain]]
* [[w:Rory Kinnear|Rory Kinnear]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ed]]
* [[w:Tony Gardner|Tony Gardner]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Dan Miller]]
* [[w:James Smith|James Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Glenn Cullen]]
* [[w:Chris Addison|Chris Addison]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Oliver &quot;Ollie&quot; Reeder]]
* [[w:Rob Edwards|Rob Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Geoff Holhurst]]

'''Her Majesty's Civil Service'''
* [[w:Joanna Scanlan|Joanna Scanlan]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Terri Coverley]]
* [[w:Polly Kemp|Polly Kemp]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Robyn Murdoch]]

'''The Opposition'''
* [[w:Vincent Franklin|Vincent Franklin]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Stewart Pearson]]
* [[w:Roger Allam|Roger Allam]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Peter Mannion]]
* [[w:Olivia Poulet|Olivia Poulet]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Emma Messinger]]
* [[w:Will Smith (comedian)|Will Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Phil Smith]]

'''The Media'''
* [[w:Ben Willbond|Ben Willbond]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Adam Kenyon]]
* [[w:Lucinda Raikes|Lucinda Raikes]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Angela Heaney]]

'''Former Characters'''
* [[w:Chris Langham|Chris Langham]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Hugh Abbot]]
* [[w:Tim Bentinck|Tim Bentinck]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Cliff Lawton]]
* [[w:Martin Savage|Martin Savage]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nick Hanway]]
* [[w:Rebecca Gethings|Rebecca Gethings]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Helen Hatley]] 
* [[w:Geoffrey Streatfeild|Geoffrey Streatfeild]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Fergus Williams]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0459159|title=The Thick Of It}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Thick of It, The}}
[[Category:BBC shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Political satirical TV shows]]
[[Category:UK sitcoms]]
[[Category:UK workplace comedy TV shows]]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3148004</id>
      <parentid>3148003</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T04:22:50Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Mr. Brain</username>
        <id>3009526</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>/* Series 2, Episode 3 */</comment>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="561255" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:The Thick of It|The Thick of It]]''''' is a British sitcom, satirising the inner workings of modern government, that finished  its fourth (and final) series in October 2012. It stars [[wikipedia:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] as spin doctor [[wikipedia:Malcolm Tucker|Malcolm Tucker]]. See also ''[[In The Loop]]'', a spin-off feature film.

==Series 1, Episode 1==

:''(Malcolm Tucker's first line.)'' 
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' ''(on his phone, in Cliff Lawton's office)'' No, he's useless. He's absolutely useless. He is, he's useless, he's as useless as a marzipan dildo. All right. Got to go. Minister's just walked in. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker has just told Cliff Lawton, the head of the Department of Social Affairs, that he has to resign as Minister.)''
:'''Cliff Lawton:''' Malcolm, look, um – if you do this, it's the bollocks of the jungle out there, you know? They're like wolves. Pissed wolves. 
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' I've made the announcement: I've told [[wikipedia:The_Lobby|the Lobby]] you're going, Cliff.  
:'''Cliff:''' You've told the Lobby I'm going?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Sorry, Cliff.  
:'''Cliff:''' Minister.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get used to Cliff. I've booked you in for the usual soapy tit-wank farewell at Number 10, in 20 minutes. Also drafted you a letter of resignation: gives you the chance to say that you're jumping before you're pushed, although obviously we're gonna be briefing that you ''were'' pushed, sorry.
:'''Cliff:''' Um...Look, tell you what. You don't need to do all of this. What about Tom? Everybody knows he's fucking up Transport. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can't sack Tom at Transport. We can't lose anyone at Transport, they're important. 
:'''Cliff:''' What? And Social Affairs isn't? 
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, the Department of Social for Commercial Affairs is very important, but it's not Transport. Transport's cars, buses, trucks. 
:'''Cliff:''' I KNOW WHAT TRANSPORT FUCKING ENTAILS! 
:''(Malcolm gives Cliff his infamous &quot;bollocking stare.&quot;)''
:'''Cliff:''' Look, look...Look. I'll look at it. 
:''(Cliff looks at the resignation note.)''
:'''Cliff:''' Personal reasons. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I thought that would give you adequate scope. 
:'''Cliff:''' Scope. What, like, um...shooting up in the Cabinet Office or something? Stuffing a cat up my arse and having a wank? What do you mean, scope? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, this could be a great deal worse. You have had a good innings. You have been here for 18 months. And you know, I have written some very nice things about you in the PM's reply to your resignation. Some very nice fucking things indeed. I had a lump in my throat. And you know why? Because no one who matters thinks any less of you over this...so far. OK? Right. One more thing: ''[[wikipedia:The Daily Mail|The Daily Mail]]''. David Topham has got it into his head that we are going to sack you because of press pressure. 
:'''Cliff:''' I wonder why. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look. You're in no position to dish out fucking sarcasm. That's over. You no longer have purchase in the sarcasm world. Get on the phone. Tell him you're jumping before you're pushed -- although we were going to push you, but not because of press pressure, but because of your deeply held fucking personal issues, whatever they were. 
:'''Cliff:''' You want me to write my own obituary!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Get on the fucking phone. Do it now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh Abbot, the new head of the Department of Social Affairs, is calling a big meeting to announce his first major policy. Joining Hugh in his office are his staff members: Glenn Cullen, Hugh's senior advisor and best friend; Oliver &quot;Ollie&quot; Reeder, Hugh's junior advisor; and Terri Coverley, the department's Chief Press Secretary.)'' 
:'''Hugh Abbot:''' Shush! I've got something very important to say. I've got -- Ollie, I've got something for us. I've got us a very, very tasty little morsel. Because this morning I had a chat with my very good friend, the Prime Minister of Great Britain. (Glenn, Ollie, and Terri are very interested.) Yes. And, um, remember the, um, um -- Ollie, your Benefit Unit Fraud...
:'''Ollie Reeder:''' Anti-Benefit Fraud Executive. ABFE. 
:'''Hugh:''' ABFE. Um, Scrounger Squad. 
:'''Ollie:''' Snooper Squad. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(correcting himself)'' Snooper Squad. 
:'''Terri Coverley:''' The one with the spending implications? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, and the Prime Minister's view, it turns out, is very much, &quot;Fuck the spending implications, I like it.&quot; 
:'''Glenn Cullen:''' Good. 
:'''Hugh:''' So this is us. We're on the map. It's a chance for me, Glenn, to get on Richard &amp; Judy and plant that flag right on their fucking sofa. 
:'''Terri:''' So the, um, the Prime Minister's authorized you -- he ''has'' authorized you to announce it, has he? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's very much what he signaled, yes, very clearly. He said that he's very much right behind us on this and it's very much what we should be doing. 
:'''Ollie:''' This is great. So we can do it this afternoon at the school, can't we? We can, uh, we can clear the press conference that we've got...
:'''Terri:''' ''(getting up to leave)'' Excuse me. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. We'll &quot;double-bubble&quot; it, yeah? We'll leak it to the Standard for the early editions and then trail it on the World at One. Yes? Right. I'll tell you, we, we need someone at the Standard we can give this to. What about Angela Heaney? She's at the Standard now, isn't she? Hugh?
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Um...yes, she is. Do you not think that maybe she's a bit junior, I think. 
:'''Glenn:''' Bit too much like your ex who broke your heart and then dumped you with a text message? 
:'''Ollie:''' It was a fucking e-mail. It wasn't a text message. 
:'''Glenn:''' We give it to her, she'll write what we want. 
:'''Hugh:''' She's easy.
:'''Glenn:''' She is easy. 
:''(Terri returns to the office, trying to tell the guys to control their excitement over the Snooper Squad policy.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Uh, one moment. I can see that you've all got very big, stiff hard-ons for this one -- 
:'''Hugh:''' Sorry? 
:'''Terri:''' That's -- that is nice. I'm not saying that's not nice. But...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(surprised)'' Terri! 
:'''Terri:''' But there is absolutely no way we're gonna clear it by this afternoon. So...
:'''Ollie:''' Why not? 
:'''Terri:''' Do cool it, just for a minute, and I'll ring Paul at the Treasury. 
:'''Hugh, Glenn, and Ollie:''' NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! 
:'''Hugh:''' No phone calls to the Treasury, thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' If you call the Treasury to get anywhere near the announcement, he's gonna have to dress up as catering with a big tray of drinks and a pot of sliced lemons. 
:'''Hugh:''' I'm not doing that. 
:'''Terri:''' I'm just going by procedure. 
:'''Hugh:''' Terri, I love doing things the right way, that ethical stuff. I, I-I love it, I mean, we all, we all do. But -- but, you know, it's very difficult when you're the first person to put your gun down, because people tend to jump on your head as if it was a ripe watermelon. We don't want that, do we? 
:'''Ollie:''' The Prime Minister said he wants to do it. The Prime Minister is above the Treasury in the hierarchy. I can write it down on a chart if it actually helps. 
:'''Terri:''' Whatever. 
:'''Glenn:''' Thank you. 
:'''Terri:''' Very good, Minister. I'll get to it. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Terri)'' You're just doing your job. ''(After Terri leaves, Hugh whispers to Glenn &amp; Ollie)'' Not very well. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' Will you get Angela on the phone for Ollie? ''(to Ollie)'' You can deal with this, Ollie, yes? Thank you. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' The driver. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering Glenn's question, despondently)'' Technically. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Will it be my usual driver? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, Hugh. 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't fucking like him. 
:'''Glenn:''' Why not? 
:'''Hugh:''' He's...I don't know. I think he despises me. 
:'''Glenn:''' We'll have to use him today, because you know how the pool system works. So we go down to the school...um...have to. 
:'''Hugh:''' He's sort of contemptuous. 
:'''Glenn:''' The driver? 
:'''Hugh:''' I feel like he looks down on me. 
:'''Glenn:''' No, Hugh, he likes you, I'm sure. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn are in the car listening to ''[[wikipedia:The World at One|The World at One]]''. They're celebrating Hugh's &quot;Snooper Force&quot; policy being given the green light.)''
:'''[[wikipedia:Nick Clarke|Nick Clarke]]:''' (on the radio) ''The World at One. This is Nick Clarke with 30 minutes of news...''
:'''Hugh:''' Well, you can fuck off for a start. 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''The Social Affairs Secretary Hugh Abbot...''
:'''Hugh:''' ''(quite proudly)'' Evening. 
:'''Glenn:''' First story up. 
:'''Hugh:''' Top of the bill. 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...a uniformed, so-called Snooper Force. The announcement suggests the DSA has pushed the Treasury into releasing more funds, so we'll ask, is the Treasury losing its... 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes it is, and not before time! 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...Social Affairs spokesman Mark Davis Nathenson... 
:'''Hugh:''' If you can get him out of the bath! 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''But first, the estimates of fatalities from yesterday's train disaster in Bangalore have risen precipitously overnight...
:'''Hugh:''' Well, that's marvelous. 
:''(But then, Hugh's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, Tucker. ''(Happily answering the call)'' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck was that? Was this whole Snooper Force thing from you? 
:'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I talked to the PM and this is completely kosher as far as he's concerned. You know, he gave the go-ahead and he said, you know, bounce the Treasury.
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't you realise? We have got 17 different issues we are fighting with the Treasury about. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can hear that you are, as usual, upset. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you why I'm upset. I'm upset because these fucking morons over at [[wikipedia:HM_Treasury|the Treasury]], these people, they are so paranoid. If you don't tell them about stuff like this, if you don't even cc them an email, they think you've started a palace coup! 
:'''Hugh:''' Mal– Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't seem to understand that I'm gonna have to mop up a fucking hurricane of piss here from all of these neurotics! What did the Prime Minister ''actually'' say to you?  
:'''Hugh:''' He actually said, 'This is exactly the kind of thing we should be doing.'  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''What did he actually say?''  
:'''Hugh:''' He said, 'This is exactly the sort of thing we should be doing.'  
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Should' be doing. 'Should' does not mean 'yes'. Now, there's only one thing to do here, and it's what I'm going to tell you to do. Kill it. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can't -- I can't kill it! I'm on my way to make the announcement! There's gonna be television cameras there and everything! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, fuck the television cameras! Think of something else to say! But just don't mention the bloody [[wikipedia:The_New_Avengers|New Avengers]] or the Snooper Force, or whatever the fuck you call it. 
:'''Hugh:''' Scam Busters? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get rid of it. I don't want to hear about it again. Bye.  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn is on the phone with Terri, telling her about a change in the Snooper Force story.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' So the line is -- and call every news desk -- that the Snooper Force story is that it was led out by, quote, &quot;a disgruntled civil servant,&quot; unquote. OK? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(privately annoyed)'' OK, great. 
:'''Glenn:''' And Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' Hmmm? 
:'''Glenn:''' You can drop that tone, all right? 
:'''Terri:''' What tone? 
:'''Glenn:''' The &quot;I knew better all along&quot; tone, yeah? It isn't fucking appreciated right now! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Ollie is in the car with Glenn &amp; Hugh, and the three of them are discussing policy ideas while traveling.)''
:'''Glenn:''' What we need is something that the public want, is incredibly popular and is free. 
:'''Ollie:''' Return of capital punishment.  
:'''Hugh:''' That's a joke, right? You are joking, yes, obviously? Come on, Ollie, come up with something.  
:'''Ollie:''' National spare room database.  
:'''Hugh:''' What about zoos? My kids went to a zoo the other day and they said it was fucking disgusting, you know, the state of it. That's shit, isn't it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' What if everybody had to carry a plastic bag, by law? You know, the identification cards are coming in...
:'''Hugh:''' You've fucking cracked! Are you mad?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' What if the announcement is...there's no big announcement.
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, for goodness...
:'''Ollie:''' No, no, wait. Right? We say, &quot;The Department of Social Affairs has been doing amazing work, bread-and-butter work, belt-and-braces work, the kind of work that you people aren't interested in cos it's not shiny, shiny, media-friendly stuff. You are so obsessed with how things play in the media, you sickos, that every time we try and do, you know, just carry on with our day, you don't show up, so we have to call a big, you know, thing like this.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' On target, under budget. 
:'''Ollie:''' Coalface politics. 
:'''Hugh:''' Absolutely. Yes, I like that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Not wasting resources. 
:'''Hugh:''' Good. Let's do that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Let's go for that.
:'''Hugh:''' We trick them. We trick them. Tinselly thing and they come along and we say, &quot;Ah, that's what we've been doing, we've been doing our fucking jobs!&quot; ''(beat)'' Yes, they never print that stuff, do they? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, and you've come all this way, we've got you two hours out of London to come and cover this.
:'''Hugh:''' You mugs! You mugs! 
:'''Ollie:''' But you know what? You've got a bigger story here than you have chasing your tinsel. 
:'''Hugh:''' Which is you live in a country which is properly...There's not many countries can say that. 
:'''Glenn:''' And we've probably got 10,000,000 we can throw at it. 
:'''Hugh:''' That's good, because it sounds like a lot, doesn't it. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are at the school, preparing for Hugh's big speech.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' I've got a thing here that says &quot;springy concrete.&quot; I don't know, I think that's about the playground.
:'''Glenn:''' Springy concrete? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing his speech)'' Good afternoon...Should I say &quot;Hello, boys and girls?&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, very nice. 
:'''Hugh:''' Like a fucking panto dame.
:'''Ollie:''' He's gonna look ridiculous on the six o'clock news saying, &quot;Hello, boys and girls.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' He's talking to the audience in front of him. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing)'' Real money for real families. ''(asking Glenn and Ollie)'' Real families or real people? 
:'''Glenn:''' Families. 
:'''Ollie:''' People. Real people. 
:'''Glenn:''' You see? Don't...Families. 
:'''Ollie:''' Families sounds exclusive. It sounds kinda back to basics, it sounds [[wikipedia:John Major|John Major]]. 
:'''Glenn:''' People sounds Communist.
:'''Ollie:''' It doesn't sound Communist. 
:'''Hugh:''' I'll say families. 
:'''Glenn:''' Thank you, Hugh. 
:'''Ollie:''' Say families of people. 
:''(A schools-woman approaches the room.)'' 
:'''Schools-woman:''' Mr. Abbot. 
:'''Glenn:''' Great. You're on. Here we go. 
:'''Hugh:''' Thank you. 
:'''Glenn:''' It's what you do best, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yep. ''(to the schools-woman)'' This is lovely. Very nice indeed. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(But a short time later...Hugh's speech bombed.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Well, that was a fucking disaster. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Surprisingly, Hugh's press conference was so boring that it was a success! Hugh and Glenn are celebrating at the office.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Well, you really pulled it round, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' I took the flak, you supplied the flak jacket. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and the bullets bounced off. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is what it's all about, Glenn. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is what it's -- All those years at the coalface, hanging in there, taking all the shit, all the bullshit. 
:'''Glenn:''' When you are Senior Cabinet Minister, then we'll show them. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, and Snooper Force? Bollocks, we'll get rid of that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Aw, for fuck's sake, yeah. Fiddling while Rome burns. 
:'''Hugh:''' Fucking right. We'll kick some arse. We'll kick some butt! Kick some butt! 
:'''Glenn:''' That's what we're in it for, mate, tell them all the shit that we do. 
:''(Glenn sees Malcolm standing behind Hugh, but Hugh is blissfully unaware.)''
:'''Hugh:''' It's a means to an end, mate. 
:''(Hugh then sees Malcolm right behind him.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck me, Malcolm. How do you do that? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Can I have a word with you?
:''(Glenn, who had earlier slammed doors in Ollie's and Terri's faces, finds a door being slammed in his face.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm wants to discuss Hugh's speech at the school.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' I'm hacked off, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(stuttering)'' But w-w-we killed it. It-it's killed. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but once you start the fire...And we didn't start the fire. It was always burning since the world's been turning, et cetera, et cetera. 
:'''Hugh:''' Sorry, Malcolm, you're not making any sense. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Prime Minister, obviously, he's on the plane in Stockholm, and somebody hits him with ''The World At One.'' He thinks it's the Treasury trying to stiff him one, so he, um... he stuck with the story. 
:'''Hugh:''' He liked it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, he's backing the Snooper Force. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(smiling)'' Oh, right. We shouldn't really then have, I mean, you shouldn't really have told us to, uh...Should you? ''(chuckles)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't should me, Hugh. Cos I'll should you right back. I'll should you right through that window. None of this SHOULD be happening, should it? SHOULD it? Should it? 
:'''Hugh:''' Is that should in the...sense of yes, or...? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's should in the sense of &quot;You should do as you're fucking told.&quot;  
:'''Hugh:''' What are we gonna do now? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're gonna completely reverse your position.  
:'''Hugh:''' Hang on a second. Malcolm, it's not actually that, um – I mean, that's gonna be quite hard, really.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well the announcement that you didn't make today, you did.  
:'''Hugh:''' No, no, I didn't, ''and'' there were television cameras there while I was not doing it.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck them!  
:'''Hugh:''' I'm not quite sure h– what level of reality I'm supposed to be operating on.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, this is what they run with. I tell them that you said it, they believe that you said it. They don't really believe you said it, they know that you never said it. 
:'''Hugh:''' Right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' But it's in their interests to say that you said it. Because if they don't say that you said it, they're not gonna get what you say tomorrow or the next day, when I decide to tell them what it is you're saying. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I-I am following this. I just... 
:'''Malcolm:''' I had a friend who used to indulge in extramarital affairs, OK? He would go off and he'd have some dalliance, and every Monday he'd come back and he'd meet his wife. And he told me that all he did was inside his head turn a little switch. The affair never happened. OK? 
:'''Hugh:''' Right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' There's not a prob -- I don't -- What is the problem with this? 
:'''Hugh:''' The problem with it...First of all, I didn't get much dalliance. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get it into your head. Rewind today into your head. 
:'''Hugh:''' OK, stop explaining it to me!  
:'''Malcolm:''' I have to fucking explain it to you, man. You haven't been here long enough. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is in an office arguing with his ex-girlfriend, Angela Heaney...who's also a news journalist.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I'm really glad you came in, Angela. 
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, I could lose my job, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah... 
:'''Angela:''' Because I went all hot and heavy to the news desk with three directly contradictory stories in one day. 
:'''Ollie:''' I know, 
:'''Angela:''' They gave me flip-flops. You know? Someone actually went out and bought me flip-flops to give me. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. You've gotta give them credit for that, that is quite funny. 
:'''Angela:''' Yeah. And they pasted onto them...a fucking porn picture of a girl sucking a big cock and they wrote, &quot;Angela Heaney swallows anything.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' That is less funny. Obviously, that's actually quite offensive. 
:'''Angela:''' Can you give me one good reason why I shouldn't do a big story on the, you know, the day of spin? 
:'''Ollie:''' Wh-Why? What sort of story? ''(Ollie starts stammering and struggling to defend himself...)'' 
:'''Angela:''' Inside story of a government department out of control. With diagrams and maybe a flow chart with your face and name on it. And Glenn's and Hugh's and big arrows showing who spoke to who and how you all fucked it up. Yeah, I think I could write that one up myself, Ollie. I think I could do the punctuation on ''that'' one. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I'm sorry. 
:''(Suddenly, Malcolm comes into the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm''': Hey. Hi, Angela. Oh, I like the hair, nice little corkscrews. How's it going? 
:'''Ollie''': Yeah, er, fine. Um, we were just, er, talking about why Angela shouldn't do a big story on the big insidery piece, kinda day of spin, sort of spread in the paper... 
:'''Malcolm''': Oh, I don't know. Maybe you should! Good idea! 
:''(Malcolm leaves -- then comes back.)'' 
:'''Malcolm''': Oh, wait a minute. I know why she shouldn't. Because, you know, if she did that, she'd be dead. To me, to this department, to the government. And she'll never get another story, or even a fucking whiff of a story as long as she kept her sorry, hack bitch face lingering around Westminster, because I would call every editor I know - which, obviously, that's all of them - and I'd tell them to gouge her name out of their address books so she'd never even get a job on hospital radio ''where the sad sack belongs.'' That's what I'd tell her. ''(to Ollie)'' But maybe you should do it. See you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. ''(to Angela)'' He's actually...He can be really nice. It's been a very long day. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Hugh:''' I want a new driver. Get me a new driver. I don't want to see this guy ever again. 
:'''Glenn:''' On what grounds? 
:'''Hugh:''' Smiling. Inappropriate smiling. And smirking. Smiling and smirking. I don't want to see that smile or smirk ever again. OK? Thank you. ''(Hugh turns to the driver)'' OK, thank you very much. 
:'''Driver:''' Which way do you want to go? 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't care, you're the boss.

==Series 1, Episode 2==
:''(This is the opening scene of the episode.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You're late. And you look like shit. 
:'''Hugh:''' I know both of those things already. [[wikipedia:Margaret Thatcher|Margaret Thatcher]] used to survive on less than four hours' sleep a night. How is that possible? 
:'''Glenn:''' Monkey glands. She was mad. Mad people have different needs. 
:'''Hugh:''' And she lived above the shop, so she didn't have to commute. God, London is so big. Can't we devolve some of it? If I could get just one decent night's shut-eye... 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, Hugh, do yourself a favor. Stay over in the flat. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can't break my promise to Kate. 
:'''Glenn:''' I mean, do you actually get to see the children? 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn, I don't have time for that. All I do... I work, I eat, I shower. That's it. Occasionally... I take a dump, just as a sort of treat. I mean, that really is my treat. That's what it's come to. I sit there and I think, &quot;No, I'm not going to read the [[wikipedia:New_Statesman|''New Statesman'']]. This time is just for me. This is quality time just for me.&quot; Is that normal?
:'''Glenn''': It's sad.
:'''Hugh''': Well at least I've made something.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are on the phone, discussing an article by Simon Hewitt.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Hello, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you got Simon Hewitt's piece in front of you? 
:'''Hugh:''' I haven't been quite through it, erm, yet. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you got to the bit where he calls ''you'' out of your depth?
:'''Hugh:''' No, at the moment he's calling me 'the political equivalent of the house wine at a suburban Indian restaurant'. That's not very good, is it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' So, how do we respond to this?
:'''Terri:''' Right, we don't exchange insults with bloody Simon arsepipes titty-twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Is that honestly the best swearing that you can come up with?  
:'''Glenn:''' This is a bucket of shit: if someone throws shit at us, we throw shit back at them, we start a shit fight. We throw so much shit back at them that they can't pick up shit, they can't throw shit, they can't do shit.  
:'''Terri:''' Mm.  
:'''Hugh:''' That's top swearing, Glenn, well done.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' Watch and learn.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' ''(thinking of policy ideas)'' Shut up for a minute, please. Where else can we go? Pollution, the environment. Litter. Dog shit. 
:'''Ollie:''' Aiming high.  
:'''Hugh:''' We aimed high, now we're at dog shit.  
:'''Ollie:''' So what you're looking for –  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' OK, this is what we're doing. I'm putting it about through a number of cronies –  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' – that Hewitt's piece was a packet of bollocks; he did it as a favour to Cliff.  
:'''Ollie:''' Cliff being –  
:'''Glenn:''' Cliff Lawton.  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh right.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh's predecessor. He and Hewitt are as tight as arse cheeks.  
:'''Hugh:''' Are they now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck knows, but that's what we're saying, OK? It's personal, it's backslapping, it's borderline homoerotic, and you are an innocent victim of a nasty media stitch-up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh has just asked Terri which policy idea she prefers: Glenn's or Ollie's?)'' 
:'''Terri:''' It's not my role to have a preference. I sell the apples. If you want me to sell the apples, I'll sell the apples. And if you want me to sell the oranges, then I'll go and tell people the apples? &quot;The apples are shit, Ollie. They're shit.&quot; I'll say, &quot;Go on! Check out our oranges!&quot; 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' And you're against it? 
:'''Glenn:''' It'll die on its arse! 'My grandma was mugged by some ferret-faced teenager with a neck tattoo, what are you gonna do about it?' 'Teach him to play the bassoon.' It is, as my dear old mother would have said, double wank and shit chips.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Well, my guts still say no.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well substantial as they are, they've been outvoted.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I know you were very keen on Terri's appointment but, um –  
:'''Malcolm:''' She's shit.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I wouldn't go that far.  
:'''Malcolm:''' She's a box-ticker, Hugh. She can't think outside the box.  
:'''Hugh:''' No, in fact she's built a box inside the actual box and she's doing her thinking inside that box.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Exactly, I like that.  
:'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry, I'm so tired, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No, that's good.  
:'''Hugh:''' I have so much stuff to read and think about.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''': Anyway, these focus groups, they're absolutely useless.
:'''Ollie''': Oh, so it's useless to ask people what they think, is it? It's useless to ask people's opinions before we formulate a policy? It's useless?!
:'''Glenn''': Look, there's no point in asking people what they think. They either don't know what they think or they think that you should bring back hanging for traffic wardens. Or they just think what every right-minded thinking person would think, and that's just common sense!
:'''Ollie''': Oh, yeah yeah yeah, oh yeah, ''&quot;I'm Geoff Average, and I think the same as everybody else cos I'm Mr Average Normal Bloke and everybody thinks like me cos I work in IT, and on the weekends I pop a few pills and do a bit of DJ-ing, y'know, spare cash cos I'm a single mum and I'm a member of the [[wikipedia:National_Trust_for_Places_of_Historic_Interest_or_Natural_Beauty|National Trust]], I enjoy any sports on TV, anything with Colin Firth, I enjoy domestic violence and sun-dried fucking...karaoke.&quot;'' Not everybody is the same, Glenn! People can surprise you!
:'''Glenn:''' Was that good-natured joshing?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is still working late at night in his office, eating a piece of fruit, when his cell phone rings.) 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering the call)'' Tucker. 
:'''Simon Hewitt:''' Malcolm, uh...hope I didn't wake you up. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(spitting)'' Hewitt. 
:'''Simon:''' Yeah, I'm doing a piece this Sunday, a big piece on focus groups. It's sort of inspired by your latest policy disaster. I'm gonna be concentrating on how your man Abbot can't do a single thing without focus groups. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(clearly unmoved)'' I'm shaking with fear. 
:'''Simon:''' Yeah, well, that's sexual jealousy. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're so very very witty. Pity none of it ever makes it into your columns. 
:'''Simon:''' Listen, I'd love to spend the rest of the evening listening to you, but I've got better things to do.
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off back to your match reports, you twat! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' How fucked am I?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you look awful, you look terrible. I mean, you often look quite bad, but...
:'''Hugh:''' I mean, in terms of negative publicity. On the fuckometer, where am I?
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, 12.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 12, say.
:'''Hugh:''' Out of what?
:'''Glenn:''' Er... 50.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh. Mine was out of ten.
:'''Hugh:''' Right, ''(to Glenn)'' so I'm 24% fucked according to you, ''(to Ollie)'' but according to you I'm 120% fucked?
:'''Ollie:''' Um, yeah, I didn't...
:''(But before Ollie can finish his thought, Terri enters the office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, have you got anything for us? 
:'''Terri:''' Well, I can't ask them to drop the piece. It would make us look pathetic. 
:'''Hugh:''' Terri, I don't mean to come across all Mr. Gradgrind, but this is your job, isn't it? Sorting out the press? This is what you do for a living? 
:'''Terri:''' This is Malcolm's problem, anyway. He's the one who took it over. It's him that spun that...
:''(Before Terri can finish her point, Malcolm enters the room and takes charge.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right, listen up, this is what we're gonna do. I'm bringing forward Hugh's interview with Angela to this afternoon. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It goes out as a spoiler tomorrow morning. That way, we can get our side of the story across and also piss all over Simon Hewitt's corn flakes, sadly only metaphorically, yeah? Right, okay. Ollie, call Heaney. Terri, get on to her editor. Glenn, book her room. [[wikipedia:The_Professionals_(TV_series)|Bodie, Doyle, you go round the back]].
:''(The other 4 are confused by Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' At times of stress, I make jokes! 
:''(Glenn, Terri and Ollie go about their business.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right, um...What do I do? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sit down in front of the TV with me. You're gonna watch that Zeitgeist tape now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are in Hugh's office watching The Bill on tape. Hugh is sort of dozing off to sleep, when all of a sudden...he wakes up to see Mary, the Focus Group Superstar, in the show!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, but people watch it. This gets 6,000,000. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' She's an actress. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Who? 
:'''Hugh:''' Mary, from the focus group, she's an actress. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, relax, that doesn't matter. These focus groups, they do it all the time. If they're a bit short on numbers, they bung in a couple of actors. It doesn't matter because it's a focus group - key word, &quot;group.&quot; 
:''(Hugh's trying to find a solution to his problem...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Ooh, I've just remembered. Um...can you just... 
:'''Malcolm:''' Should I pause it? 
:'''Hugh:''' If you could pause it for a second, I'll be...I'm sorry, I'll just be back in a sec. 
:''(Hugh rushes to get help from Glenn. Hugh has to whisper to Glenn so Malcolm doesn't hear anything.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn? 
:'''Glenn:''' What?  
:'''Hugh:''' I've got a bit of a problem. You remember Mary from the focus group?  
:'''Glenn:''' What, Miss, uh, Immaculate Bloody Conception?  
:'''Hugh:''' She's an actress.  
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean?  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean she's – No, there's no clearer way of saying it, she's an actress.  
:'''Glenn:''' Are you sure?  
:'''Hugh:''' I've just seen her, she's in ''[[wikipedia:The_Bill|The fucking Bill]]''!  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus! Look, this doesn't necessarily have to be a total fucking disaster.  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, I think it does, because she wasn't for real, she's not really, uh, a stay-at-home [[wikipedia:Middle_England|Middle England]] housewife, she-she's just playing a part, so what she said wasn't, you know –  
:''(Hugh and Glenn walk past Terri, who is on the phone.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yeah, I do know.  
:'''Terri:''' What, who said what wasn't what?  
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' We are organising focus groups to listen to the opinions of ordinary people, except they're ''not'' ordinary people! They're fucking actors, so they're not technically people at all!  
:''(Glenn and Hugh go to Ollie's desk.)''  
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Can I get back to you?  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' What is it?  
:'''Glenn:''' Your fucking legend is a fucking actress!  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, 'cause the focus group companies do it all the time. If they can't cobble together, you know, the right cross-section, they call a casting agency –  
:'''Glenn:''' Dial-an-opinion, is it? 'Send me three liberals, two fucking mavericks and a racist.' Brilliant, Ollie! Brilliant!
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering)'' We've based the whole thing on her! Just her! Her alone! 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't you see? Why didn't you run it past me for once? 
:''(Hugh storms off towards a nearby cupboard.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(still whispering)'' Shit! Shit! 
:''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri continue whispering argumentatively.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' It's not real! 
:'''Terri:''' I thought I recognized her. You know, she was in ''[[wikipedia:Midsomer Murders|Midsomer Murders]]''. 
:'''Glenn:''' Why didn't you say anything? 
:'''Terri:''' I saw her in ''Midsomer Murders''. I thought she might've had a twin or something. 
:'''Glenn:''' What a stupid thing to...
:''(While Glenn, Terri and Ollie continue arguing, Hugh sulks silently in the cupboard.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck! Fuck! 
:''(But as soon as Hugh starts banging things and making noise, somebody opens the cupboard door: It's Malcolm...and he's not happy.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You said 'she.' 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Come out of the cupboard, Hugh. 
:'''Hugh:''' No. 
:''(Malcolm enters the cupboard.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, we have to sort this out. When I asked you about the focus group – 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' – you said 'she' loved it.  
:'''Hugh:''' We gave her a one-on-one.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Why?  
:'''Hugh:''' She's Middle England.  
:'''Malcolm:''' So Middle England is a big fucking field, with ''one woman'' standing in it?  
:'''Hugh:''' Do you think Hewitt will find out?  
:'''Malcolm:''' OF COURSE HE FUCKING WILL, SHE'S HIS MOLE! THAT'S WHY HE'S GOT A PIECE IN THE PAPER TOMORROW! 
:''(Malcolm leaves the cupboard, with Hugh right behind him.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn, Ollie, Terri and Hugh)'' We've got to shut this down now, right? I want this leaked to Angela Heaney. It's damage control, OK? We put out the story the way ''we'' want it, before Hewitt fucks us up the bugle! Get onto it, now!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are trying to defend themselves. Terri's on the phone trying to contact Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Hugh:''' I didn't know that she's an actress! 
:'''Glenn:''' No, exactly! We, we've been lied to! We've been abused! We are the victims of abuse! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(holding the phone)'' Ollie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Shut up! 
:'''Terri:''' Can you call her? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, I'll call her! 
:''(Malcolm re-enters the picture.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How could I know you are a broken vase?
:'''Hugh:''' What the fuck are you talking about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're a broken vase! 
:'''Hugh:''' How do I know she's an actress? I never watch television! That's why you have to give me a stupid tape! 
:''(Hugh comes up with a plan...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Listen, we're gonna get her in, we're gonna talk to her, she'll meet us...I will talk to her because I'm good with people. She can help us, she'll see our point of view, we'll be fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I hope so. I hope that's what gonna happen. 
:'''Ollie:''' Or we kill her. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Later that night, Malcolm, Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are talking to Mary. They're discussing what's going to happen because of her being an actress in a focus group.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mary)'' Do you just want to think about what is going to happen tomorrow? 
:'''Hugh:''' Because tomorrow, you are gonna find the press all over you –  
:'''Mary:''' In a good way?  
:'''Hugh:''' No, not in a good way at all, I can tell you –  
:'''Malcolm:''' You know that film ''[[Notting Hill]]'', have you seen that?  
:'''Glenn:''' She's probably fucking in it.  
:'''Malcolm:''' You know that bit where the guy opens the door –  
:'''Mary:''' What is this?  
:'''Malcolm:''' – and there's like millions of journalists and hacks and photographers and all flashbulbs are going off? In about four hours time, that's gonna be you, darling: they're gonna be all over you like fucking cockroaches.  
:'''Hugh''' ''(trying to comfort Mary)'': It's OK, it's OK.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no no no no no no, it's NOT OK! It's not gonna be OK, and I'll tell you why: Because you're fair game. So I hope your knickers are clean. Because every seat-sniffing little shitbag that's ever filed a byline is gonna be questioning you. 'Cause now, it's in the fucking public interest, isn't it? And they're gonna hit you with any shit they can find and you're gonna be spread out there in front of them like a trollop in the [[wikipedia:Stocks|stocks]]!
:'''Mary:''' I still don't really understand what's going on. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can hold those dogs back, right?  
:'''Mary:''' What do you mean? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice journalist, yeah? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, exactly. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice young journalist, Angela Heaney...and maybe you...maybe you, I mean I don't know what shit that he made you sign, but whatever it was, it was bullshit. Maybe if you just say that, you know, uh, you were misquoted and also that Simon Hewitt's a prick, right? If you just said that...
:'''Mary:''' Who? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, the journalist that you told your story to. 
:'''Mary:''' I, I didn't...I didn't talk to any journalist. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You spoke to Simon Hewitt. 
:'''Mary:''' No, I...
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking spoke to Simon Hewitt, he's a fat guy with a tiny little dick the size of a bookie's biro. You fucking spoke to him. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(getting mad)'' I'd like to go now! 
:''(Now, ALL the guys are shouting!)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you speak to Simon Hewitt? 
:'''Mary:''' No! I don't even know...
:'''Hugh:''' You didn't speak to him. 
:'''Malcolm:''' She didn't fucking speak to him. 
:''(The guys are starting to realize that Mary's telling the truth.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' I don't know anyone called...Simon...whatever the fuck.
:''(Malcolm starts yelling under his breath.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Hewitt. 
:'''Mary:''' Hewitt, yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' She doesn't even know! ''(to Malcolm)'' Malcolm...Fuck's sake! 
:'''Mary:''' ''(talking about Malcolm)'' What's the matter with him? 
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie. ''(Glenn's motioning to Ollie to take Mary out of the room.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Mary)'' Sorry for anything I said that might have upset you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(trying to apologize to Mary)'' Sorry, darling. Sorry, love. Just been crossed lines, darling. Sorry about that...
:'''Mary:''' Will you leave me alone? 
:''(Ollie escorts Mary, who's understandably upset, out of the room.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' '''''FOR FUCK'S SAKE!''''' 
:'''Glenn:''' She didn't even know! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck him! 
:'''Hugh:''' That didn't really work, did it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Is it too late...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(confused and stunned)'' So can I just get this, this straight, just for my, just for my own sanity... 
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, if we get on the phone, can we pull the front page?  
:'''Hugh:''' No. It's too late.  
:'''Glenn:''' You mean Heaney's piece is gonna go ahead anyway now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it's gonna fucking go ahead! I mean, I'm good but I can't fucking hold back the tide, can I? Alright, that's it. That's it. I'm going to bed. 
:'''Hugh:''' Kind of ironic, really...
:'''Malcolm:''' You're fucking on your own! ''(Malcolm angrily leaves, slamming the door.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ...because she, she hasn't actually spoken to, to Hewitt, uh...and we've, of our own volition, voluntarily released the story to the, to the press...unnecessarily. Um...Damn. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Can you wake me in a couple of hours? ''(Hugh lies down on a sofa)'' There's no time to go home, I'll just pass myself coming back in.

==Series 1, Episode 3==
:'''Terri:''' Did you say we were gonna do a press release? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, erm, &quot;Following a successful report stage debate, Secretary of State for Social Affairs, Hugh Abbot, today announced: 'I'm the fucking daddy!'&quot;&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Dan Miller:''' How are you, Glenn?
:'''Glenn:''' I'm good, thank you – Actually, I just thought you were very heavy-handed with the backbenchers. No need for it in this day and age.
:'''Dan Miller:''' Listen, Glenn. I mean, you know as well as I do, if you're going to make an omelette, you're going to have to have some frank and honest discussion with the eggs. And that's all I was doing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is in his office on his desk phone, trying to explain himself to a fellow government official.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not complacent, Tom. ''(beat)'' Yeah, I know we did take a hit over the-the-the focus group thing, but it wasn't a ''big'' hit. ''(beat)'' Oh yeah? Says who? ''(beat)'' Oh, the prime minister told you that, huh? Well, get you. ''(beat)'' Look, I can only cook with what I've been given. You know, it's like ''[[wikipedia:Ready Steady Cook|Ready Steady Cook]].'' You give me Hugh Abbot, I'll give you bangers and mash. But if you give me Gerry from the Home Office, well then, I can raise it to fucking risotto and scallops. Do you know what I mean? ''(beat)'' Yeah yeah yeah. Ok, ok. Ok, bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(looking at Hugh's tie)''
:'''Glenn:''' What are those? They're little hippos, aren't they?
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know what they are actually; I think they're just unidentified amusing creatures.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' So what time does this ''[[w:Daily Mail|Daily Mail]]'' hack get here?
:'''Glenn:''' Ten minutes, it's Angela Heaney, didn't I tell you?
:'''Hugh:''' So she left the ''[[w:Evening Standard|Standard]]''?
:'''Glenn:''' That's right, absolutely.
:'''Hugh:''' Go on then: ask me some questions.
:'''Glenn:''' Right, OK, I'll be Angela Heaney, and I'll ask you some questions.
:'''Hugh:''' My God, that's uncanny. Mind you, your tits are a bit bigger than hers.
:'''Glenn:''' Is it true that, although this Housing Bill went through Parliament with incredible ease –
:'''Hugh:''' Actually, can you just do it as yourself? Sorry, it's just slightly unsettling.
:'''Glenn:''' Right, erm – that you'll find a lot of difficulty in the real world?
:'''Hugh:''' On the contrary, this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large number of people. Ordinary people, but ordinary people who ''deserve'' a little bit of the extraordinary in their lives.
:''(both start giggling)''
:'''Glenn:''' Perfect. That's brilliant. That's brilliant!
:'''Hugh:''' It's a piece of piss.
:'''Glenn:''' There you are, you see.
:'''Hugh:''' Go on, ask me something hard.
:'''Glenn:''' Where's the [[w:Nazi gold|Nazi gold]], you donkey-shagger?
:'''Hugh:''' I'm very pleased you asked me that, Angela, because let me just say right away that this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large –
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office, on his mobile)'': Hi Tom, what can I do for you? ''(beat)'' Well, I-I didn't know what he was doing with his flat – I told him that fucking flat w– Well, they're not running with this – No, well, I know, he's got-he's got an interview now with that-that-that Angela Heaney, you know, the twat bubble from the ''Standard'' – Fuck, she's just gone to the ''Mail''. I'm onto it. ''(Malcolm hangs up and leaves his office.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(After a LOT of running, Malcolm finally arrives at the floor where Hugh is talking to Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' WHERE THE FUCK IS HE??? 
:'''Ollie:''' He's in the goldfish bowl!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Hugh is still talking to Angela.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' No, no. Look, I'm very glad you brought that up, because that -- gives me...that gives me the opportunity to...Sorry...I...''(Hugh's looking at Malcolm through the 'goldfish bowl')'' Just mucking about...Um...
:'''Hugh:''' I have always maintained very clearly...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the door)'' Hi, Angela. Sorry, sorry, sorry, can I just borrow the Minister for a moment? 
:'''Hugh:''' Sure. Sorry, be right back with you. 
:''(Barely audible, outside the 'goldfish bowl' where Angela was interviewing Hugh...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' They're running about your fucking flat, I fucking told you about that. How the fuck did you think it was gonna run, you STUPID CUNT?! How am I supposed to control what's going on if I don't know WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? YOU'RE A FUCKING PRICK! AN ABSOLUTE CUNT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
:''(While Malcolm is still yelling at Hugh, Terri opens the door to the &quot;Goldfish Bowl.&quot; She comes in and offers to get Angela some goodies.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Angela, can I get you a fresh cup of coffee? 
:'''Angela:''' No, I'm fine, thanks. 
:'''Terri:''' Um, would you like some tea? 
:'''Angela:''' Nope, nope. 
:'''Terri:''' No biscuits or anything? 
:'''Angela:''' No. 
:'''Terri:''' Do let me know if you need anything else. 
:'''Angela:''' I will. Thanks very much. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' GET BACK IN THERE AND WRAP THIS BULLSHIT UP! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh re-enters the 'goldfish bowl'...)
:'''Hugh:''' Ah. Hah! Bit of a disagreement. 
:'''Angela:''' Blimey. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. Um, could you...I'm just curious, could you hear? Because we were actually...We can be quite brutal to each other, because we're actually very, very good, good friends.
:'''Angela:''' Right.   
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Moments later, Malcolm is in Hugh's office, arguing with Glenn and Ollie over the scandal involving Hugh and his flat.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn)'' You haven't been accepting ''any'' offers?
:'''Glenn:''' NO! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus...
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that wasn't the point! The whole deal was we put the flat on the market so if the press are asking us, we say, &quot;Fuck off, he's selling it!&quot; They'll go away and then, you know, Hugh's got a place in town! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What the fuck is your girlfriend doing hitting us with this, huh? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my girlfriend, Malcolm. So I've no idea. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well you won't mind if I kill her then, will you? 
:'''Ollie:''' It'd solve a lot of issues for me, to be honest with you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey! Hey hey hey, if you could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into dropping us you'd be sweet to me, you'd be very very sweet –
:'''Ollie:''' If I could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into anything I would have had a more comfortable four months –
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah well, I'll just have to kill the both of you then, won't I?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well.
:'''Malcolm:''' That's a joke, by the way, not a very nice one, a nasty one which masks a lot of very negative feelings about this fucking department.
:''(Malcolm's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (looking at his phone)'' Oh, Jesus. Tom Davies. ''(answering)'' Tom! Hello, how are you? Yes. No no, he was already there when I got there, he was talking to her. ''(Malcolm leaves Hugh's office.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh re-enters the office as he and his team try to create an emergency strategy of sorts.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' What is happening? 
:'''Ollie:''' What the hell was that? 
:'''Hugh:''' What is happening? That was supposed-that was supposed to be a nice interview. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' What on Earth did you say to her? 
:'''Hugh:''' I think-I think I denied being a racist. I hope so. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You didn't say that you have lots of black friends, you didn't go...
:'''Hugh:''' Of course not. Well, I haven't-I haven't got any. 
:'''Ollie:''' What did you say about the offers? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(stammering)'' I-I-I said I wasn't, I wasn't...someone else was handling the sale and I wasn't aware of any offers. 
:'''Glenn:''' Hugh?
:'''Hugh:''' Hmm? 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you mention me by name? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(still stammering)'' Um, possibly -- No, I-I don't think -- I-I may in between denying racism, possibly have, yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(displeased)'' Thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks a fucking bunch! 
:''(Terri enters the office.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' OK, so what's the line on this then? 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. What is-what is the line on this? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, still upset)'' I don't know! Don't look at me! 
:'''Hugh:''' But we need to have a line on this.
:''(Malcolm re-enters the office with some surprise news.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, we've got movement, we got a break. 
:'''Glenn:''' What? What? What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' The flat's sold. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(in disbelief)'' ''WHAT?'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' To the Asian family, for 40 grand below the asking price. But that's alright.
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''WHAT IS HAPPENING?!'' 
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? 
:'''Terri:''' We're too late. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? 
:'''Terri:''' All the papers have got a hold of it. The ''Express'' has been making offers on it, at the asking price and also £30,000 more. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(stunned)'' Jesus...
:'''Terri:''' Haven't been accepted. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We've got to stall. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is madness! I just own a flat, I haven't raped somebody! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' Yeah, they're calling the scandal &quot;Flatgate.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' ''Scandal?!'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Flatgate?!
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that's crap. It's a crap name for a scandal. 
:'''Terri:''' They should call it &quot;Notting Hill Gate-gate.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' Can we at least stop calling it a scandal? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri, unamused)'' Are you joking? Are you joking now? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(leaving the office)'' On my way to stall. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get stalling. 
:''(A moment of silence...and then...)''
:'''Hugh:''' Maybe we can just blame it all on Terri.
:'''Glenn:''' That is an option, isn't it? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The next day, Hugh is in Malcolm's office...arguing about &quot;Flatgate.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' It's a flat! 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is a second home! In a borough with thousands of homeless people that you have kept more or less empty for ages! Have you not read your own Housing Bill, for God's sake? 
:'''Hugh:''' It wasn't-I only kept it empty for a little while to see my bloody family. Obviously, on reflection, I should have filled it with prostitutes and, and rent boys and crack cocaine pimp tattoo freaks. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Thanks to Dan Miller and his like, the Housing Bill is a success, but this is ''burying'' the whole thing! 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, what do you want ''me'' to do? ''Resign?'' ''(Malcolm stares at him)'' No, no! No, that is – I'm not going over this.
:'''Malcolm:''' The way out of this situation is for you to –  
:'''Hugh:''' This is madness, Malcolm, this desire for perfection, that – I am not perfect, I am just a person, right? I need to sleep, I need to eat, occasionally I need to take a dump. So, I mean, what's next, I mean, do we put that on the evening news, on the front page? &quot;Minister is disgusting defecation outburst&quot;. [[wikipedia:Mollie_Sugden|Mollie Sugden]] at Number 10: &quot;Did you enjoy your shit, Mr Abbot?&quot; They should just clone ministers, you know, so we're born at 55, with no past, and no flats, and no genitals. Just a world of robots in a sort of – It's like a futuristic film, and you'd enjoy that, wouldn't you? You'd be in your little space station surrounded by obedient androids, like that fucking brushed-aluminium Dan Miller cyber-prick!  
:'''Malcolm:''' It ''is'' possible to have a good resignation, you know!
:'''Hugh:''' ''A good resignation?'' Oh, I'm looking forward to how you're gonna sell ''this'' to me!
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, people really like it when you go just a bit early! You know, steely-jawed, faraway look in your eyes! Before they're getting to the point when they're sitting round in the pub saying &quot;Oh, that fucker's got to go&quot;, you ''surprise'' them! &quot;''Blimey'', he's gone, I didn't expect that! Resigned? You don't see that much anymore! Old school! Respect! I rather liked the guy! He was hounded out by the fucking press!&quot; How about that, huh? What a way to go, yeah?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' You know, I'm just the counter man in [[w:McDonalds|McDonald's]], I'm not that important, frankly; you're the clown running the shop, you're the one that they want to see strung up from a lamppost by his fucking wig.
:'''Glenn:''' What does that make me?
:'''Ollie:''' [[w:Ronald McDonald|Ronald McDonald]].
:'''Glenn:''' Well, fuck off!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' &quot;Department of Social Affairs&quot;, Department of Fucking Shocking, Shitty, Charlatan, ''Shits!'' That's what – ''(to Ollie)'' Feet off the furniture, you [[wikipedia:Oxbridge|Oxbridge]] twat! You're no' on a [[wikipedia:Punt_(boat)#Punting_in_England|punt]] now.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''' ''(to Dan Miller)'': I've missed my ideal resigning point. With every day I delay, it's another year before I can get back again. If I had resigned the day I was appointed, I'd actually be Prime Minister by now.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Social Affairs, what the fuck does that actually mean? You know, it's so vague. You know, 'Hello, I'm Hugh Abbot, the Minister for, I dunno, stuff'.

==Series 2, Episode 1==
:''(Ollie has had sex with Emma. And he realizes the whole office knows about it -- much to his dismay.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Terri, is, uh -- ''(Ollie instead sees Robyn Murdoch.)'' Oh, hello, Robyn. Where's Terri? Is she not...
:'''Robyn Murdoch:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, morning, Mr. Lover-Loverman! 
:'''Ollie:''' Does -- Does nobody else ever shag anybody else in Westminster? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(pretending to be seductive)'' ''Hey, Horatio!'' ''(beat)'' How's it hanging? 
:'''Ollie:''' It's hanging fine. 
:'''Glenn:''' Sleeping with the opposition, I hear, hey? 
:'''Ollie:''' Not all of them. 
:'''Glenn:''' What do they do? Do they keep a tight hold on the fiscal, um, the fiscal, you know, um...
:'''Ollie:''' Scrotum? What? What? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(beside himself)'' Shagging the opposition. Never would have happened in my day. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my opposite number, Glenn. 'Cause Levitt has gone to Shadow Defence, so she's doing Shadow Defence, so she's no longer Social Affairs, so...
:'''Glenn:''' Did you manage to do some good while you were there and steal a few policy papers? 
:'''Ollie:''' It's hard to know why you're so unsuccessful with the opposite sex. I'll tell you what, though...
:'''Glenn:''' I never fucked Terri. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Terri. Did you not know? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's, um...
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's what? 
:'''Ollie:''' Binned her. She's gone. 
:'''Glenn:''' You're jo...
:''(At this moment, Hugh enters the office -- and even HE knows about Ollie's night of romance with Emma!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Morning, studmuffin. Enjoy your walk on the wild side? How was your dip in the wild blue – pussy?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Hugh, I have some wonderful news for you. Terri's gone. 
:'''Hugh:''' What? 
:'''Glenn:''' Terri. Terri's gone. 
:'''Hugh:''' What do you mean &quot;gone?&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. A resignation bluff that went awry. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(very happy)'' NO! YES! OH, RESULT! WHOO! WHOO! ALL RIGHT! COME ON! HIGH FIVE! 
:''(But Robyn comes into the office to deliver some sad news about Terri's father.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Secretary of State, um, just to let you know, Terri's father's, uh, had a stroke. It's pretty serious, um, so she's gonna be gone quite awhile. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(much more sympathetic)'' I'm...Oh dear, that's awful. I'm so sorry. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm and his second-in-command, Jamie, are having a good, lively talk while walking to Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Where's Neil?
:'''Malcolm:''' Leicester, poor fucker. You'd think that once you'd achieved a certain status, you might have been excused visiting Leicester, wouldn't you? 
:'''Jamie:''' Have you seen the whips' numbers?
:'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP.
:'''Jamie:''' Eh?
:'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP, N-O-M-F-P, Not My Fucking Problem – I quite liked that, did you like that? 
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah, it's very good.
:'''Malcolm:''' I think I'll use that quite a lot today.
:'''Jamie:''' I'll use it as well.
:''(Malcolm spots a journalist he's very happy with for doing a good profile on a government Minister.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the journalist)'' OH HO HO! Well done with Fatty's profile. Very very good. I nearly liked the enormous fucker reading it. 
:''(Malcolm and Jamie continue their conversation.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' What if the MOD breaks tonight? What I'm hearing is the overspend's getting more brutal by the hour. ''(Both men enter Malcolm's office.)'' They're talking about topping off at one-one and a half billion. Obviously, that's a lot of nurses. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Or one fantastically enormous robotic one, yeah? 
:'''Jamie:''' Obviously, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' And how's the Minister? 
:'''Jamie:''' He's shitting himself. ''(laughs)'' He's practically kissing his driver goodbye. He said he felt like he was &quot;in the Twin Towers on 9/11, just fucking waiting.&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, for fuck's sake. But everybody knows their lines, yeah? IT projects always overspend. 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, yeah, yeah. 
:''(Malcolm's loyal personal assistant, Sam, enters the office. She has some papers for Malcolm to look over and sign.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Sam)'' Do you think you could manage to get me a decent cup of tea? Would that be possible? 
:''(Sam readily agrees.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Thank you. Try not to drip in it. 
:''(After Sam leaves the office, Malcolm continues his chat with Jamie.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Jamie)'' I tell you the thing that's worrying me is, er – is this dodgy?
:'''Jamie:''' I don't know. The kid's firm was the second lowest bid. He says they never talked. What does it matter?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, but you know me, I'm a man of principle.
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know.
:'''Malcolm:''' I like to know whether I'm lying to save the skin of a tosser or a moron. 
:'''Jamie:''' Probably a moron.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is preparing for his trip to Number 10 in Hugh's office.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(looking at Ollie's cell phone)'' Is this yours? Is this new? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. I thought I'd get it for Number 10. 
:'''Hugh:''' It's got a camera on it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Yeah, it's on the back. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Happy slap him. Go on. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How do you know about happy slapping? How do ''you'' begin to know about...
:''(But before Ollie could finish the question, Glenn gives Ollie a &quot;Happy Slap&quot; upside the head!)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Hang on, I missed it. No, will you do it again? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' That's assault. 
:''(Glenn happy slaps Ollie again.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off, will you? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' No, listen, it's all right, we can doctor the crime figures. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I really like this! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll punch you in your substantial gut. 
:''(And then, Robyn gives Ollie a happy slap, too!)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Fucking hell, Robyn! You little fucker! 
:''(Hugh and Glenn are laughing at Ollie's expense. Then, after the laughter dies down, the 2 of them decide to take a selfie of themselves on Ollie's cell phone.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' We should take one of us, so he's got something to remember us by. 
:''(Glenn takes the pic.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Because, you know, at the end of the week, you're gonna be head of the Policy Unit. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, then you'll both be out. 
:'''Hugh:''' Giving head to the Policy Unit. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Hugh, can we, uh, do the prep for the factory visit now? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' We're gonna get there at about 12, 12:30, okay? 
:'''Ollie:''' Forgot the, um...
:''(Ollie picks up something from Hugh's desk -- and then gives Glenn a happy slap upside his head! Then, Ollie leaves.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Stupid boy. 
:'''Hugh:''' That ''was'' funny.
:'''Glenn:''' That was funny?
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah.
:'''Glenn:''' I don't think it was funny.
:'''Hugh:''' I'm an elected representative of the people.
:'''Glenn:''' Yes? 
:'''Hugh:''' It was funny.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As Ollie is waiting outside Malcolm's office, Malcolm is yelling out for Sam again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' SAM! 
:''(Sam comes toward Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, a coffee and a fucking skinny muffin, if that's possible. ''(Malcolm then sees Ollie.)'' What the fuck are ''you'' doing ''here?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' I thought you said today, Malcolm. Did you not say...
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean what are you doing there? Come on! 
:'''Ollie:''' All right, sorry. I just didn't want to interrupt you, I never know what you're doing in your –
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well if the PM's giving me a blowjob I always put a sign up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Robyn Murdoch is a senior press secretary for the Department of Social Affairs. She is traveling with Glenn and Hugh to their factory visit.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' I've confirmed that they'll definitely be a regional news team filming our arrival, plus there will be four local papers. 
:'''Hugh:''' Regional news? 
:'''Glenn:''' No nationals? 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, this is very much a regional event. You know, I didn't think that... 
:'''Hugh:''' Robyn, all events are regional, hmm? Everything that happens in the world has to happen somewhere. Do you see? Even JFK's assassination was a regional event. But it was also very important. Hmm? Like this factory visit? You see that?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff Holhurst)'' How much fucking shit is there on the menu, and ''what fucking FLAVOUR is it?''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Oh, Malcolm? No no, that's – I'm in a Scottish restaurant, some man's complaining 'cause they've under-fried his Mars Bar – yeah, of course it's Malcolm! ''(beat)'' Well, Malcolm's all sound major. That's him every day. It's like this furnace of shit. It's not -- it's not good for my system. 
:'''Geoff Holhurst:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Christian's firm put in the second lowest tender. That's Point 1. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Do you fancy meeting up? Maybe tomorrow night? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff)'' You're ''worse'' than dead meat. I don't know why you're laughing. You're too toxic to even feed to the vultures. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Robyn, and Glenn arrive at the factory for their visit. Hugh gets out of the car first so he can say hello to the factory's employees.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Hello. Hello, Hugh Abbot. Nice to meet you. Hello. 
:''(But as soon as he starts saying hello to the employees, Hugh is caught off guard by a surprise confrontation from one of the workers!)''
:'''Factory Woman:''' Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry? 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Do you? I mean, she was in that home for 16 weeks. Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's, that's, that's very tough, isn't it? That's very, very tough, and our hearts, all our hearts, go out to you. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' But do you know what it's like to get down and clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' I-I think that I'm probably not the right person to talk to about this. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Who ''do'' I talk to? 
:'''Hugh:''' Urinary and affairs like that are probably more, more Health. So anyway, lovely to talk to you... 
:''(Hugh turns his attention away from the woman and towards the factory, talking to a factory supervisor.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' What a fantastic -- What a fantastic landscaping! I really do think it makes an enormous difference to the workplace when you have this relationship with...
:''(But the Factory Woman won't let up.)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' But is that your answer? Is that your answer?
:'''Hugh:''' Can I just say, we'll get someone to, to note your, your case and do what we can about it. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' You'll get someone to note my case?! ''Nobody's'' noted my case! 
:''(And when she sees Hugh touching her arm, she REALLY gets livid!)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' STOP IT DON'T TOUCH ME! WHAT ARE YOU TOUCHING ME FOR? YOU DON'T KNOW ME! YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW ME, DO YOU?
:'''Hugh:''' (stammering) I know, I do want, I would like to get to know you. I've just...
:'''Factory Woman:''' OH, WHY ARE YOU WALKING AWAY FROM ME, THEN? Would you like to know the facts? I'll tell you about the facts. 
:'''Glenn:''' The minister would love to know the facts. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' There are two qualified nurses out of all those care assistants. Only two! 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, quietly)'' Give her a smile...
:'''Factory Woman:''' The rest are only kids! 
:''(Hugh gives the Factory Woman a sheepish smile, but that just makes the situation worse...)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' WHAT ARE YOU SMILING AT? WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? DO YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY? DO YOU THINK I'M FUNNY? DO YOU THINK MY MOTHER'S PISS IS FUNNY? WELL, IT'S NOT FUNNY! SHE'S NOT LAUGHING! SHE'S PISSING HERSELF! I'M NOT LAUGHING! I'M CRYING! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(A short while later, Hugh, who is on a higher level in the factory, is talking to Glenn on his cell phone. Glenn is on the ground level...and that pesky Factory Woman is screaming right at him!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn? Is she still saying it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh God, yes. (Glenn turns to the Factory Woman.) Would you please just give me a moment? 
:''(Glenn continues his conversation with Hugh on his cell phone.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, she's banging on about it even now. The trouble is, Hugh, they reckon they've got some great shots. You know...
:'''Hugh:''' ''Great shots?''  
:'''Glenn:''' The thing is: Don't panic. 
:''(The Factory Woman finally gets more of her 2 cents in...)''
:'''Factory Woman:''' ...BECAUSE IT'S DISGUSTING! YOU CANNOT TREAT PEOPLE LIKE THIS! 
:''(Glenn's patience has finally run out.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE FUCKING MINUTE? I'm asking nicely. Please! 
:''(Glenn finishes his phone conversation with Hugh.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Now, Hugh -- look, I'm gonna have to hang up. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Did you enjoy that? Did you enjoy that? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile at Number 10, Malcolm and Jamie are having a stern chat with Geoff Holhurst's son, Christian.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian Holhurst)'' Your dad told us that he didn't know you worked for the company. You never told him.
:''(Ollie's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Ollie Reeder? ''(beat)'' Um -- Sorry, who is this? 
:'''Christian Holhurst:''' ''(to Jamie and Malcolm)'' Obviously, he knew, but...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, I've never cleaned up my own mother's piss. ''(Ollie's talking to the Factory Woman.)'' Sorry, what? Who-Who are you?
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' Well, you-you ''do'' talk to your dad? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Well, how did you get...
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' NO, YOU FUCKING DON'T! That is the wrong answer! The wrong fucking answer! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Please don't be aggressive. I will call back. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Christian)'' You tell your corporate affairs people. Otherwise, I'm gonna come over there and fucking maim every single fucking one of them. Okay? Good to see you. All right? Well done, Christian. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Malcolm has arrived at ITN, a news network, to meet Mark Davies, the news producer. Malcolm &amp; Mark are in the production room discussing footage of Hugh being confronted at the factory by the Factory Woman.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(introducing himself to Mark)'' Mark? Hi, Mark Davies? I'm Malcolm. We've spoken on the phone. 
:'''Mark Davies:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you mind if I pop in? It's just -- I was in seeing Pam. and everyone started talking about the Hugh thing. 
:'''Mark:''' Yes...
:''(Mark nods his head in agreement with Malcolm as they look at the footage.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you see what I have to work with? 
:'''Mark:''' I know, Malcolm. He doesn't look great, does he? 
:''(As they continue looking at the footage, Malcolm starts to attempt to play director.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' That shot, are you going to use that? 
:'''Mark:''' Malcolm. 
:''(Mark doesn't want Malcolm touching the equipment.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, sorry. 
:'''Mark:''' Don't touch that. 
:'''Malcolm:''' This isn't in the package, is it, Mark? 
:''(Sure enough, Malcolm's inner director starts channeling inside him again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' You're not using that. You can't use that. ''(to Mark)'' This is dumbing down of the news agenda that people like me and your boss's boss really object to. And I'm gonna mention this to him when I see him on Friday, by the way. 
:'''Mark:''' Malcolm, this is a traditional old-fashioned news story, called 'Minister looks a tit'.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, everybody looks a tit, you know? Take two of these shots of him looking moronic out. Leave a couple in of him looking a little bit dim, put one of him composed, drop it down the running order, and we've got a deal.
:'''Mark:''' I'm not – Deal, what deal, Malcolm? He looks a tit, that's it. I'm sorry.
:'''Malcolm:''' But there is a difference between allowing someone's natural tittishness to come through, and just exploiting it through camera work here! You're sticking one tit moment on top of another tit moment. That wouldn't happen in real life. And do you know about that woman? Have you made any inquiries into the background of that woman? 
:'''Mark:''' I'm sure my researchers have, yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Your researchers have? Well, well, I'm gonna tell you I don't think they have. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Stats, percentages, international comparison, information! Email them fucking WADS of information! And tell them they'd better get their heads around it before they put pen to paper, or I'll be up their arses like a fucking Biafran ferret, right? COME ON, UNLEASH HELL!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Sometimes I...You know, when you meet the real...the actual people...Don't you ever, I mean, just look at the little, beady eyes and mean mouths sort of sneering, and...I mean, I know this is what they think people like me think, so I hate thinking it, but I just find myself thinking they're from a different fucking species. You know, with their T-shirts and weird trousers and tabards. Why do they wear clothes with writing on them? And why are they so fucking fat?
:'''Glenn:''' I know, and stupid.
:'''Hugh:''' God, I hate this place.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie are about to give Ollie an important mission...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We need you to fuck Hugh for us. ''(beat)'' Okay? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(reluctantly)'' Okay. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I need you to go over to Mark Davies at ITN, right? They're 50/50 on bumping Hugh up to top of the bill with the Piss Woman, right? Can you sort that out for me? ''(Ollie agrees)'' Good lad. Okay, see you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(seeing a bag of chips from a bin on his chair)'' Oh nice, very nice.
:'''Jamie:''' WELL GO FOR FUCK'S SAKE, YOU BIG FUCKING PRICK! I'LL CUT YOUR FUCKING EARS OFF, WE NEED IT DONE!
:'''Ollie:''' When I met you this morning, I thought you were the nice Scot!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Fuck's sake. ''(Ollie answers his phone)'' Oliver Reeder.
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you sorted it, Ollie?
:'''Ollie:''' It's not quite sorted just yet, Malcolm, it's difficult –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shall I send Jamie over? Would you like that?
:'''Ollie:''' No, no –
:'''Malcolm:''' You and Jamie and a rubber truncheon, locked in that fucking newsroom together.
:'''Ollie:''' No, I'm fine.
:'''Malcolm:''' Then make me happy. Bring me sunshine.
:'''Ollie:''' Right, I'll make you happy, Malcolm. ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Dickwad. ''(Ollie's phone rings again. He answers it)'' Oliver Reeder.
:'''Jamie:''' Hey all right, shitebag, you done it yet?
:'''Ollie:''' I'm just in the middle of doing it right now, but every time I try –
:'''Jamie:''' WELL, FUCKING HURRY UP! GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE!
:'''Ollie:''' ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Fuck's sake! ''(His phone rings yet again. He answers)'' I'm fucking doing it! I'm just – Sorry Emma, yeah, hi. I'm stuck in that meeting about equal pay. It's just – it's gone over. But, uh, but - Hey, you know, tonight. Are we still on? ''(beat)'' Yeah. Yeah, ''Solaris,'' here we come. Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn are finally back from the disastrous factory visit, talking about...piss.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Have you, though? 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' Ever cleaned up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, I never knew my mother, Hugh. As you know. 
:'''Hugh:''' Sorry. Have you--have you ever cleaned up your stepmother's piss? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, I never cleaned her piss. It wasn't that kind of relationship. 
:'''Hugh:''' No, nor me. Though I have to say, I've done Alicia's piss and Charlie's piss. I mean, you know, loads, loads of it. But, you know, it's only piss. It's -- Yeah, thanks. I mean, she was going on as if it was some sort of toxic waste or something, but it's, what's a bit of piss? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In the Number 10 Newsroom, Malcolm and the team are about to watch the ITN News.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right, folks, here we go. 
:''(The top story on the news is about Hugh's disastrous factory visit.)'' 
:'''News Announcer:''' ''Tonight, dramatic pictures...''
:''(The newsroom office cheers.)''
:'''News Announcer:''' ''...of voter anger over the NHS.'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(happily)'' Anything other than Number One spot is a big win. 
:'''News Announcer:''' ''...spin doctor thought our tape had stopped running.'' 
:''(Sure enough, Ollie's cell phone pic of Glenn appears on the TV screen...with the sound of Glenn getting mad.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE F$%@#!G MINUTE?''
:'''Jamie:''' ''(quite amused)'' Oh oh oh, he is so fucked! ''(to Ollie)'' Hey, good photo. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well, you know, it's a good phone.
:'''Hugh:''' ''What fantastic landscaping...'' 
:''(More howls of laughter emanate from the newsroom.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Back at Hugh's office, Glenn is sitting in a chair beside himself. Hugh is pacing the floor.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Who do you think looked worse? You or me? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean, I looked bad, but you said bad. I suppose on balance, um, honestly...You, really. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(quiet, but annoyed)'' Great. 
:''(Glenn's cell phone rings.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh. Go away. 
:''(Glenn hangs up on the call...and after a few moments...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I don't know if I'm gonna survive this, Hugh. They're gonna be all over me like shingles. ''(Glenn's cell phone rings again.)'' They are all over me like shingles!
:''(Glenn hangs up on the call again...More awkward silence...)''
:'''Hugh:''' It'll be OK. 
:'''Glenn:''' Do you think? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, it'll probably be fine. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie has stopped answering his cell phone. Let's hear what his voicemails have to say.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Ollie, hi, it's Hugh. I just wanted to say thank you very very much. The way you shifted the spotlight onto Glenn was quite Tucker-esque, really very [[w:Machievelli|Malc-iavellian]], if you know what I mean. Well done, and bye bye.
:'''Factory Woman:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Hello, Ollie. Just seen myself on the news. Okay, let's get something done now. And, uh, I'll be phoning you every day until we do sort out my mother and her problem. Thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, don't worry about Malcolm, he's only about half as scary as he thinks he is. Well, here, you can have this desk, it's free.
:'''Ollie:''' OK.
:'''Jamie:''' Don't worry, she won't be coming back. Hey, Joe, Joe! This guy is your replacement. I'm not fucking joking, by the way. Ollie, this is Frankie. Frankie, this is Ollie. ''(Ollie extends his hand to Frankie, who ignores it)'' Frankie, I don't know what happened, but I somehow – you know those numbers I asked you for? I never found them on my desk. Maybe somebody stole them. Or, maybe, maybe, you're fucking me around. And if you fuck me around again, I'll tell you something: ''(laughs slightly)'' I am going to rip your fucking head off, and shit right down into your neck, ''(grabs Frankie's head)'' and then I'm going to stick your FUCKING head back on, and SHIT ON THAT!

==Series 2, Episode 2==
:''(At the start of this episode, Hugh is talking on his cell phone to someone about the impending &quot;Cabinet Reshuffle.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' No, Derek. I'm not presuming anything. It's entirely up to the PM. I'll just go wherever he wants me to go. I'm gonna have to go. Bye-bye. 
:''(Next, Hugh and Ollie, who's right behind him, both meet up with Robyn and congratulate her on getting a place at Malcolm's 8:30 press meeting.)''
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Good morning. 
:'''Robyn:''' ''(cheekily smiling)'' Morning, Minister. 
:'''Hugh:''' Are you just off to your 8:30 with Malcolm? 
:'''Robyn:''' Yep yep. 
:'''Hugh:''' First one? 
:'''Robyn:''' Into the Lion's Den, Viper's Pit. 
:'''Hugh:''' &quot;The Belly of the Beast, the Lair of the White Worm.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' The Eye of the Snake. 
:'''Hugh:''' Not all the departments get asked to the 8:30, so...
:'''Robyn:''' That's true. 
:'''Hugh:''' A great honor that we are in there with the big hitters. Always best to be inside the tent, pissing out. 
:'''Ollie:''' Absolutely. If you were, you know, doing this over at Environment and Rural Affairs, you'd be, uh, at 8:30 you'd be very much outside the tent, wouldn't you? Probably at Coffee Republic. 
:'''Hugh:''' Covered in piss. Good luck. You'll be fine. You don't need good luck. Yeah. 
:'''Robyn:''' What about the...piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(reassuring Robyn)'' No no no, it's just a figure of speech. 
:'''Robyn:''' I'd better go. 
:'''Ollie:''' See you later, Robyn. 
:'''Robyn:''' OK. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his cell phone)'' I'm sure there's a way of...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(chasing after Robyn)'' Robyn! 
:''(Hugh just remembered to ask Robyn a question.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Robyn)'' Robyn, sorry. Could you try and pick up any signals you can from Malcolm about -- about the, um...about the reshuffle? 
:'''Robyn:''' I've really got to go now, because I don't want to be late.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, God, don't be late!  
:'''Robyn:''' Apparently, they shout things at the last one in.  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(entering the scene)'' If anyone shouts at you, they'll have to answer to me. I'll box his ears. 
:''(Robyn leaves)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Box his ears? If that was flirting, that was absolutely crap.  
:'''Glenn:''' What?  
:'''Hugh:''' Box his ears? How long is it since you've had sex?   
:'''Glenn:''' That is between me and my internet service provider. Anyway, about this morning's –  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(chuckling)'' You've actually gone red, Glenn. Look at you.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, you have. Look, you've gone red.  
:'''Glenn:''' I have not gone red. ''(points to his folder)'' That's red.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah!   
:'''Hugh:''' Look, he can hardly walk properly.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker is having his 8:30 meeting with all the reporters and press officers from various government departments.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' Morning morning morning morning! 
:'''Everyone else:''' Morning. 
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, I want to have a little bit of a think about, um, some of our presentational issues with regard to yesterday. There seems to have been a bit of a problem last night with, uh, Liam on ''Newsnight.'' I would like to know why did we have a Minister on last night who did not appear to know their lines. 
:'''Reporter #1:''' It's not all his fault, Malcolm. We-we grilled him beforehand. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You grilled him? 
:'''Reporter #1:''' He's got a new baby. He's not getting enough sleep. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if he's got a new baby. I don't care whether he's tired. He looked like he didn't know what he was fucking talking about. Now I know he doesn't know what he's fucking talking about, but he's got to appear as if he does, right? ''(Malcolm starts pointing at all the reporters.)'' And that is your job and your job. ''(He continues pointing.)'' And yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours. With all due respect of ministers, give them the lines. Right? 
:'''Robyn:''' Give them all the lines to say? 
:''(Malcolm introduces the other reporters to Robyn.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the delightful Robyn. She's just with us today. She's standing in for, eh, Terri Coverley at the Department of, uh, Social Affairs. So let's be gentle with her, please. No remarks about the Department of Stuffed Anuses, or the Department of Stupid Announcements, or the Department of Sod All. ''(Laughter emanates from the room.)'' Right, next. 
:'''Robyn:''' Reshuffle? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Robyn, smiling)'' Yes, there is, uh, a pending reshuffle, I can see we're not gonna get anything past you! &quot;There was a young girl from DOSA, who helped herself to a samosa.&quot; ''(Malcolm jokingly makes a karate chop.)'' Argh! Next time I'll come up with something. Just a bit of fun. Um...Yes, the reshuffle. No, yes, well, definitely, we-we don't know anything. ''I'' don't know anything. So, um, we can't say anything. But you know, even if we did, we wouldn't. But we don't, so we both can't and won't. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(asked for a line about Julius Nicholson at his 8.30 meeting)'' 'Julius Nicholson is a hugely respected adviser. He now has a wide-ranging brief, and his blue-sky vision and helicopter thinking will enable this Government to go, in his own phrase, &quot;beyond delivery, and beyond that&quot;.' That's the line, OK? And if he does stick his baldy head round your door and comes up with some stupid idea about 'policemen's helmets should be yellow', or 'let's set up a department to count the moon', just treat him like someone with Alzheimer's disease, you know? Just say to him, &quot;Oh, yeah, that's lovely, that's good. We must talk about that later.&quot; OK?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh is now at Malcolm's office at Number 10. Hugh wants to talk to Malcolm about the impending reshuffle.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his mobile)'' In no way, shape or form is it gonna have any ''(knock at door)'' – Come the fuck in, or fuck the fuck off. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(entering)'' Well I'll come the fuck in then.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(back on his mobile)'' It's just something that Nicholson's flown, you know. It's a kind of brain exercise, like &quot;What would it be like if men had tits?&quot;, you know? [[wikipedia:Mark_Mardell|Mark Mardell]], yeah, ''(laughs)'' that's pretty good, actually. All right, then. See you, then. ''(hangs up)'' Hugh?  
:'''Hugh:''' I thought you would want to know as soon as possible.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What?   
:'''Hugh:''' Terri's dad.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah?   
:'''Hugh:''' No news at the moment.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, so you've come to talk about the reshuffle, yeah?  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I have.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? 
:'''Hugh:''' In terms of shuffley stuff, how is Neil? I mean, is his heart...
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you not heard? 
:'''Hugh:''' No. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' He's paralysed. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh no. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Neil's on wheels. 
:'''Hugh:''' You're kidding. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a vegetable. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh my God. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. 
:''(A lengthy silence follows...and then...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' That means you could have his department. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, you are kidding. Well, fuck you very much. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that you're looking for mouth-to-mouth in the reshuffle, but I don't know anything about it. I mean, the PM is still working it out on the back of a Coldplay CD as we speak.
:''(It's time to meet Julius Nicholson, the Advisor to the Prime Minister. Julius is now entering Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Julius Nicholson:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Are you in, sir? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Oh! Mr. Julius Nicholson. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(shaking Julius's hand)'' Hello, nice to see you again. 
:''(Hugh lets Julius have his seat, and Malcolm and Julius start up a conversation.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' What proposals have you got for us today? How about a ban on sand castles? 
:'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I just wanted to find out if you're coming to my FSG briefing this afternoon. 
:'''Malcolm:''' FSG briefing? 
:'''Julius:''' Forward Strategy Group, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know, Julius, I think I'm just gonna have to send one of the -- I'll send one of the boys. I have got so much work to do here, what with this, uh, the MOD...
:'''Julius:''' As the minister said to the prince, don't be surprised if we abolish you. I'll leave it with you. 
:''(Julius gets up and leave the office. Malcolm and Hugh resume their conversation.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' That was a bit, um...Are you all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(annoyed)'' I'm fucking all right. I can fucking look after myself. 
:'''Hugh:''' Under the spotlight now, aren't you? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, ''you'' should just watch your own back, what with the missus dripping poison into the big guy's ear about you. 
:'''Hugh:''' Missus? What missus? 
:'''Malcolm:''' The Prime Minister's missus. Oh, what? You don't know? She doesn't like the cut of your jib, son. 
:'''Hugh:''' She doesn't -- She's hardly ''seen'' my jib. I just had a conversation with her at the New Year's party, that's all. ''(beat)'' Why doesn't she like me? I mean, what's not to like? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you just didn't click. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(exasperated)'' We couldn't click! We were talking about the fucking Euro! How are you supposed to click over the Euro? It's fucking impossible. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't take it so personally.
:'''Hugh:''' You're telling me she doesn't like me as a person! How else am I supposed to take it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Robyn, can you send these back to archives, 'cause they're not even highlighted, I'm not going to plough through all that myself. While you're talking to them, I need the last four months of the European Digest. I'm going to be moving –   
:'''Robyn:''' Is it 'cause you fancy me, is that what this is all about?  
:'''Ollie:''' Sorry?  
:'''Robyn:''' Why are you so bloody rude to me? I mean, that's got to be the reason. Other people, when they come in here, they knock on the door and they say &quot;hello&quot;, &quot;good morning&quot;, &quot;thank you&quot; and &quot;nice top&quot; sometimes.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right, um, well, no. I mean, for a start, I don't fancy you. I don't know where you got that in your head, but it's probably best to get it out. If I'm slightly polite to you on a semi-regular basis, will that in any way bypass it?   
:'''Robyn:''' I think that would definitely do it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right, fantastic. Well, thank you very much for the work you do; hi, by the way, how are you?   
:'''Robyn:''' I'm really well, actually.  
:'''Ollie:''' Great, that's great; you look lovely; can I have the fucking Digest, please? That would be terrific.  
:'''Robyn:''' All you had to do was ask me.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, all I did do is ask. ''(Robyn bends down to get something)'' Phwoar! ''(She gets up and stares at Ollie)'' It was a joke.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;''
:''(Hugh and Ollie are discussing the latest Cabinet meeting.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' I did mention your great quiet carriages thing and he just – ''(pulls a slightly disgusted face)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Well what does that mean?  
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck knows what it means, but I don't think it means, &quot;Oh, Hugh, you're fantastic. Here, become Home Secretary&quot;. And even if it did mean that, when he's in bed tonight with Mrs PM, flossing, then she'll say, &quot;What do you mean, Hugh Abbot as Home Secretary? The man is a social spastic and very probably a registered nonce, darling.&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(This scene starts with Malcolm on his desk phone in his office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' This is just another example of thinking out of the box by someone who's clearly out of his fucking tree. 
:''(Someone's knocking on Malcolm's door -- and that someone is Julius Nicholson. Again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Alright, I've got to go. I'll talk to you later.
:'''Julius:''' ''(entering the office)'' Ah, Malcolm Tucker! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius Nicholson! What can I do you for? 
:''(Both men sit down in their chairs for a chat.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' I am keen to have a chat with, um, Keith Percival. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Uh, that won't be possible. 
:'''Julius:''' And I need to read the O'Rourke papers. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm afraid not. Anything else? 
:''(Uh-oh...this is gonna be a long, uncomfortable conversation.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' Look, Malcolm, you and I both know full well that my power and authority flows directly from the PM. If you've got a problem...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, Keith is so busy with real governmental work that he doesn't have time to discuss with you your ideas and theories. The O'Rourke papers are not relevant to anything that we can actually action at this moment. 
:'''Julius:''' That's slightly funny, because when I played tennis with the PM -- which I do as I'm sure you know, every Sunday -- he was saying just how much he was looking forward to seeing that paper. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He does think that your theories are interesting. He tells me that, because, you know, I see him every day. I also see him on a Sunday when I get together with his family and I make the fucking waffles. ''BUT'' -- I cannot allow you to come in here and interfere with the actual process of government. 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, that is my -- that is my ''JOB!'' That's my job! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you're doing it very fucking well. 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I'm sorry. There are gonna be big changes around here. Get used to it. We'll announce all this at the reshuffle. 
:'''Malcolm:''' With all due respect, Julius, the reshuffle is the business of the PM and the PM alone, which means that that is my business. It is my remit. 
:'''Julius:''' No, Malcolm. Historically, yes. But now it's part of my remit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. OK, I'll tell you what we should do. ''(getting up)'' Why don't we just get our remits out, slap them on the table, and see who's got the biggest fucking remit? 
:'''Julius:''' ''(standing up)'' Mal-Mal -- Malcolm, Malcolm, we need to talk about accommodation, we need to talk about access...
:'''Malcolm:''' Accommodation? Why am I talking about accommodation? 
:'''Julius:''' It's a 21-man department. We can't fit upstairs. This is ideal. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(confused)'' 21 men in here? 
:'''Julius:''' Not just in here, no. This office here will be perfectly usable, for not only myself...
:'''Malcolm:''' That's not an office. 
:'''Julius:''' Yes, it is an office. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a pantry. 
:'''Julius:''' Well, whatever it is, we will refit this out as a working office...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the pantry door)'' Julius, it's a fucking pantry. Look. 
:'''Julius:''' So what? What we'll do is we will kick through this -- Bang, straight into the PM's private study. ''(Julius shuts the pantry door.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(talking while eating something)'' What are people gonna say -- when they come in and they say, &quot;Where is Julius Nicholson?&quot; 
:'''Julius:''' I'm here. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's in the pantry! 
:'''Julius:''' ''(knocking on the pantry door)'' Here I am. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know what they're gonna do? They're gonna ridicule you. 
:''(Malcolm and Julius are talking over each other, and then Malcolm cracks wise...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Where's the bankrupt in the cupboard?'' 
:'''Julius:''' Why are you behaving like a complete and utter prick? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm supposed to polish you up, burnish you up. Yeah, and when you get your big break and you're on fucking ''Call My Bluff'' or whatever it is, I'm supposed to...
:''(Malcolm sees Julius heading for the door to leave the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Come back in here! Oi! Come back in here! JULIUS! Get the fuck back in here! 
:''(Julius reluctantly comes back in Malcolm's office, and Julius tries to lecture Malcolm while he's talking.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Please! Please! Come back. Let's be civilised. Let's-let's be civilised about it. Let's be civilised, come on. Let's be -- there ''are'' human resources, let's be civilised about it. Go over to your fucking pantry, right. 
:'''Julius:''' This is a perfectly usable office space...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(shutting the pantry door)'' Cool it for one minute, okay? Cool it. And just fucking cool it, shut up and fucking listen to me. This is an old fucking Georgian door. Do you know how long this has been here? 
:'''Julius:''' No I don't. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Since the time of Elizabeth I, at least. Now look at that. 
:''(Julius laughs in utter disbelief.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That does not open. Look at it. Look at it. Try opening it. Come on. Surely, this is the kind of stuff you like. Character building, team building. Put your hand over mine. Try to open the door. Come on, Julius. It's my fucking pantry. 
:''(Malcolm and Julius are still talking over each other endlessly...)''
:'''Julius:''' It's not your pantry. It's my fucking pantry. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Discussing Julius Nicholson)''
:'''Hugh''': Can't we just kill him, shoot him?
:'''Ollie''': What about we just fire him at a wall from a cannon. Just a wall two feet away.
:'''Glenn''': I know, we force feed him with a mixture of garlic and Dettol in Cup-a-Soup.
:'''Hugh''': What about the old red-hot poker up the arse? Edward II?
:''(Julius walks in)''
:'''Ollie''': I'd like to nail him to a tree through the head and watch lice slowly crawl over his body, eating off the flesh in a slow and painful death, ''(having already noticed Julius)'' but that rather bitter anomaly aside, most of the responses to the Warwick report press cuttings were pretty positive.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Hugh''' ''(to Ollie)'': I ''am'' desperate, but I don't really want to ''look'' desperate, like Glenn.  
:'''Glenn''' ''(entering)'': Oh, God, here we go again. Yeah, like Glenn, what?   
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I was just saying, the last time you saw a snatch was...  
:'''Ollie:''' ''[[wikipedia:Basic_Instinct|Basic Instinct]]''.  
:'''Hugh:''' You see, that's good. That's the kind of repartee I need with the PM's wife. It's that final k-tsssss! you see, that's the bit I'm missing.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I think you could drop the snatch material with the PM's wife, don't you?  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, OK, between the snatch and the Euro there's some sort of happy medium.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': He is not getting anywhere near my fucking pantry, I tell you that. That door is staying as open as a fat whore's bonehole.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Hugh:''' Sorry I'm late, traffic was an absolute bitch. No offence, Robyn.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
'''Julius:''' It's Paul Webster, US Economics Secretary of State. He's unexpectedly coming over, and the Treasury are hosting a bash for him this evening. Don't tell me you've not been invited.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, no, I have. It's just that I'm actually bashing myself tonight.  
:'''Julius:''' So you – you've got your own bash here?  
:'''Hugh:''' Uh yeah.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.  
:'''Julius:''' Ah! Back up, everybody, put the brakes on! We've got a bash happening here tonight and at the Treasury?   
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. It sounds complicated but I like to, um, maximise my face.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': ''(telling a joke at his party)'' And Julius, Julius Nicholson, says, ”I'm sorry but I think you'll find you're sitting in my seat.”
:''(No one laughs)''
:'''Hugh''': And this was to God, as I mentioned in the setup. Anyway, have a lovely time. ''(to Ollie, whispering)'' A fiver if you set off the sprinklers.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Why didn't you tell me, Glenn? What possible reason did you have? You saw me, I was swinging like a colostomy bag! 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Hugh, grow up! Stuff happens in this department every day, I can't tell you everything!  
:'''Hugh:''' Since when, Glenn, since when does the Secretary of State for Social Affairs have to find out ''from the fucking press'' that every morning at 8:30 I'm being fisted up to the gallbladder by a bald man?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, guys, thanks very much for staying on. Julius Nicholson, right? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yep.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Blue sky thinker? Ex-business guru? Dog rapist?   
:'''Hugh:''' Quite possibly.  
:'''Malcolm:''' He's being a nuisance to me; he also has got plans to squeeze ''your'' department so hard you'll be lucky if you're left with one bollock between the three of you. So all I am doing here is asking you, formally, if you will join me in a little bit of a circle jerk.  
:'''Hugh:''' Circle jerk? What?   
:'''Ollie:''' It's when a lot of guys in a circle all, you know. ''(to Malcolm)'' Well, I assume you don't mean literally, do you? Presumably?
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn:''' ''(on the phone to a journalist)'' Yeah I know it's probably bollocks, but that's what we all thought when Jim was up for Home Secretary, and then the next thing you know, he's given up the Colombian marching powder and taken up the sacraments.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at his 8.30 meeting)'': Morning, morning, morning! So what's the story in [[wikipedia:Balamory|Bala-fucking-mory]]?   
:'''A press officer:''' Reshuffle!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Excellent! You win a year's supply of condoms, which in your case is four.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So how was Cabinet this morning?  
:'''Hugh:''' It was good. Obviously, with reshuffle coming up, everybody's desperate to impress. Clare went round the room on a unicycle juggling burning kittens, but er – She didn't really, but what she did do was pretty embarrassing.  
:'''Malcolm:''' OK.  
:'''Hugh:''' And in terms of shuffle-y stuff, Carol ended up in Neil's seat. What do you think ''that'' means?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think that means that Carol wants to be nearer the biscuits, just in case her blood sugar level drops. That woman, she's unbelievable. I have seen her go into second reading debates with Pringles! Her star is somewhat on the wane, I think she's going a bit downward, actually, [[wikipedia:Secretary_of_State_for_Constitutional_Affairs|Constitutional Affairs]].  
:'''Hugh:''' Ooh, that's gonna hurt, Constitutional Affairs, that's the [[wikipedia:Geri_Halliwell|Ginger Spice]] of the –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of the what, Hugh? Of the what?  
:'''Hugh:''' Of the Gov– the whole –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Ginger Spice. Jesus Christ, what – what fucking century are you living in?  
:'''Hugh:''' There was a fantastic feature about Ginger in the ''[[wikipedia:Heat_(magazine)|Heat]]'' magazine. Apparently she shaves downstairs and she's working for UNICEF or some sort of – 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, you are talking absolute fucking drivel.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Hugh:''' It looked like Fatty was the one who was on his way out, but now it could just as likely be me.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well look, Hugh, if you're worried about Fatty we can always start gently briefing against him, I know it's late in the day and, you know, obviously it's not the first thing that we want to be doing –  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, 'Abbot says Fatty's a twat'. Does that make Fatty look like a twat? I think it makes me look like a twat for calling him a twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Mm – it doesn't have to be you directly, does it? That's the point.  
:'''Hugh:''' Robyn? Come on, it's like giving a child a firework.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, not Robyn.  
:'''Hugh:''' Actually that's where your bit of skirt – sorry, whatever the modern – your ho, your ho could actually be quite helpful. If you were just to leave some compromising bits of anti-Fatty documents, you know, just lying by the loo –  
:'''Ollie:''' Whoa, whoa. Just blatantly using Emma, I'm really not comfortable with that.  
:'''Hugh:''' Can I remind you, in the last 12 hours you've described her as being 'as mad as a jackdaw on crack', 'castratingly right-wing zealot', and also 'disappointingly below par in the blowjob department', so why the sudden outbreak of principle?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' Are you still in the frame for ''[[wikipedia:Question_Time_(TV_series)|Question Time]]''?  
:'''Hugh:''' I am, but I think they're gonna go for Fatty to take advantage of the widescreen option. ''(Ollie laughs.)'' Any, erm – Are there any shuffle-y rumours?  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, yeah. Rob thinks Gerry's got the Foreign Office.  
:'''Ollie:''' The thing about this, moving offices, just from one place to another, completely different, it's just fucked as a system, isn't it? Because if you – it wouldn't happen in any other job – if you were, you know, Professor of Medieval English in Oxford and you were sitting in your study and somebody came through the door and went, 'Hey, guess what? You're now, er, Professor of Zoology, we want you in the other [[wikipedia:Quadrangle_(architecture)|quad]]', you know, that would be mental, you'd be sitting in a room like a stuffed tit just saying to people, 'How many Os in Zoology? I don't really know, this isn't really my field', and all of that information that you've built up over years and years about [[Geoffrey Chaucer|Chaucer]] or whatever is of absolutely no use to you any more because Chaucer didn't really write about baboons.  
:'''Hugh:''' Ollie, these are very undergraduate concerns; my point is you don't have to be an expert to make decisions.  
:'''Glenn:''' That's why you have advisors, you twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I am being serious, Glenn.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, so am I, you are a twat.  
:'''Hugh:''' I mean, the point is, a lot of knowledge is a dangerous thing.  
:''(Hugh's office phone rings; Glenn answers it)''  
:'''Ollie:''' It's 'a little knowledge is a dangerous thing'.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well exactly, so a lot of knowledge is ''incredibly'' dangerous.

==Series 2, Episode 3==
:''(A few moments ago, Hugh said that he does not want to close down schools for kids with special needs. He is now in his office discussing the Special Needs Bill with Glenn.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn, the Special Needs Bill. With your, you know, particular interest, I can't do this. 
:'''Glenn:''' You know my views, you know. Inclusion is an illusion. It doesn't work. 
:'''Hugh:''' But you-you don't mind if I -- if I go ahead with it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Of course not. You know, look...you're only following orders. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, thanks. So you won't make me feel bad except by comparing me to a concentration camp guard? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. Right. Yeah. 
:'''Hugh:''' Now, tomorrow. Select Committee, that's Ballantine, isn't it? 
:''(But before Hugh and Glenn can continue discussing the Special Needs Bill, Ollie barges in and interrupts.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh and Glenn)'' Sorry, I'm sorry to interrupt. Who wants to go and watch Bollockvision? 
:'''Hugh:''' Bollockvision?  
:'''Ollie:''' Mr. Malcolm Tucker, turning it all the way up to eleven, down in the lobby. Come and have a look.  
:''(They all go out onto the balcony. On the other side of the atrium, on their floor, Malcolm is shouting at another Minister.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, poor Keith. Malcolm must fucking love this place: Four ministers in one building. It's his dream, a one-stop bollock-shop.  
:'''Glenn:''' Trouble is, we're gonna be getting some of that in about an hour.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. I don't know which is worse, watching him slowly rumble towards you like prostate cancer, or him appearing suddenly out of nowhere like a severe stroke.
:''(Terri, whose father died after a stroke, turns towards Hugh.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh. How's your sister coping?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The Department of Social Affairs has been renamed &quot;The Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship&quot; -- DoSAC for short.)''
:'''Glenn:''' So, Hugh, this -- this new word, 'Citizenship.' Did the PM actually outline what it entails? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, to be honest, I think he was making the reshuffle up as he-as he went along, and I think we were very lucky that 'Citizenship' was the first word that sprang to mind. Otherwise we could be the Department for Social Affairs and Woodland Folk.
:'''Ollie:''' See, the problem is, though, Hugh, that there's been a bit of a rush with you not in place. Uh, you know, every department trying to unload all the stuff that they didn't want. But it's been like somebody driving a lorry down Whitehall, shouting &quot;Bring out your shit.&quot; And they have and it's ended up at our door. 
:'''Hugh:''' So what are we getting? 
:'''Ollie:''' Citizenship basically involves, uh, cutting pensions to the Ghurkhas, rejigging the protocols for a rabies outbreak, some crap from Health about long-term care for the elderly that neither they nor we have any real idea about. 
:'''Glenn:''' And what to do with the Isle of Man.
:'''Hugh:''' ''(annoyed)'' Just what I fucking need. Five new ways to lose my job. 
:''(Hugh then starts eyeing a plant that he's just noticed is right next to his desk.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Where did that come from? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Malcolm sent that. 
:'''Hugh:''' It's far too big. Why-why did he send it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, office warming present. 
:'''Hugh:''' So why did he send us a present? 
:'''Ollie:''' I don't know. 
:'''Hugh:''' Has Security checked this? 
:'''Ollie:''' What for? Tiny little terrorists? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(annoyed)'' It's a plant! Yes?! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(moving on)'' Okay, so...citizenshit. What we need to do is knock together some nice, touchy-feely, fondley, sneaky, hand-in-the-bra sort of policies.
:'''Glenn:''' New bicycles for special constables, that sort of thing? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' Making special needs kids clean up graffiti? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(displeased)'' Yeah, that's just very mean. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yes. Not, of course, as mean as making them spell &quot;graffiti.&quot; That genuinely is very mean. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, calmly but not happily)'' I'll go and have a word with Malcolm.
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. 
:''(After Glenn leaves the office, Hugh tries to reprimand Ollie for making a joke about special needs kids.)''
:'''Hugh:''' You just took a shit with your clothes on, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' Why?  
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn's boy, Peter. He went to a special needs school.  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yep.  
:'''Ollie:''' ...Glenn's had sex?  
:'''Hugh:''' God, you're such a prick, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' It's just a joke!  
:'''Hugh:''' There's more to life, you know, than drinks parties at the Foreign Office and having [[wikipedia:Nick_Robinson_(journalist)|Nick Robinson]]'s mobile number on your fucking BlackBerry!
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. All right, all right, fine. Sorry, Hugh. I feel for the guy. I had a girlfriend with special needs once, so I know. ''(smiles smugly)'' Luckily, I was able to fulfill them.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm joins Glenn and Hugh in the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' So did you enjoy the show? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm, jokingly)'' You were magnificent, darling. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Yeah, should I phone Keith so that I can get his team to watch you bollock me now? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' No no no no. Have I got my bollocking face on? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well...
:'''Malcolm:''' No. This is my bollocking face? 
:''(Malcolm shows Hugh his infamous &quot;bollocking stare.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, crikey, yes. Thanks for the pot plant, by the way. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Did I send that? 
:'''Hugh:''' As an office warming present. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ, she's a ''great'' P.A., isn't she, Sam? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' She always remembers the little people. ''(looking at the plant)'' Look at the size of that. Fuck, you could fucking crucify somebody on that. ''(back to Glenn and Hugh)'' So what do you think of the new building, eh? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I can't wait to move upstairs, actually, because I don't really like the glass walls on-on, on this floor. I just feel a bit exposed. 
:'''Glenn:''' Like a whore in a Reeperbahn window. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, calling out to Glenn)'' Glenn, it's Ollie. He wants you to go through and clarify the Citizenship brief. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' How much, love? 
:'''Terri:''' Sorry? 
:'''Glenn:''' Okay, I'm on it. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll catch you later. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh, smiling)'' I like your tan, by the way. 
:'''Hugh:''' Thank you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you declared it? Staying at the villa of an influential friend?
:'''Hugh:''' I-I haven't got any influential friends, Malcolm. You are my only influential friend. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh yeah. And I'm not really your friend. 
:'''Hugh:''' You're not really my friend. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So this, uh, Super Schools Bill...
:'''Hugh:''' Yep. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't think it's so super, do you? 
:''(Malcolm gives Hugh the &quot;bollocking stare.&quot; Again.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' You're doing it now. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(unflinching)'' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's your bollocking face. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are now discussing -- or is it arguing over? -- the Super Schools Bill.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, it's great that you get all misty-eyed over Glenn's kid. But no one's trying to fuck over special needs kids. 
:'''Hugh:''' R-Really? Really? Before I went away, I consulted an expert, Mark-Mark Ryan, and he...
:'''Malcolm:''' The LSE education guy? And what did that sandal-wearing nonce have to say?  
:'''Hugh:''' What he said was that closing down special needs schools and putting needy kids into mainstream education is a lousy idea! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but I've got an expert who will ''deny'' that. 
:'''Hugh:''' And SEN parents want the special schools kept open. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, my-my expert would totally oppose that. 
:'''Hugh:''' Who is your expert? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I have no idea, but I can get one by this afternoon. You see, the thing is you have spoken to the wrong expert. You've got to ask the right expert. And you've got to know what an expert's going to advise you before he advises you. Hugh, whether you like this or not, you are gonna have to promote this bill. So what I'm gonna do is -- I'm gonna get you another expert, yeah? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(reluctantly)'' OK. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And so, on Malcolm's say-so, Hugh and Glenn are now meeting with Mr. Roy Smedley, a special needs children expert, to discuss the inclusion of special needs kids in mainstream schools.)''
:'''Hugh:''' But surely, Mr. Smedley, inclusion has been shown to fail the most vulnerable SEN children. 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' When inclusion's done badly, yes. Yes, uh, you're gonna get bad results. I mean, that's a given. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(wearily)'' Inclusion is an illusion. 
:'''Hugh:''' Mark-Mark Ryan from the LSE was saying that when the special schools do get it right, that the parents of SEN children absolutely fucking flock to...
:'''Roy Smedley:''' You spoke to Mark Ryan? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, well, some expert advice, so...
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ''(mockingly)'' OK. Expert advice from Mark Ryan? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. You have a problem with Mark Ryan? 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' In educational circles, he's-he's a bit of a joke. That's another given. 
:'''Hugh:''' Is it? 
:''(Suddenly, Hugh's computer beeps with an e-mail alert.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(responding to the alert)'' Ah, sorry. It's just that I'm expecting, uh, something quite important. 
:'''Hugh:''' Is our-Is our e-mail up and running? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. No, no, this is my hotmail. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Roy Smedley)'' Can you-Sorry, can you excuse me just, um...
:''(Roy doesn't mind Hugh being a moment. BUT...Hugh sneaks over to Terri's desk computer since she's not at her desk. Hugh then sends an e-mail to Glenn...or at least who he thinks is HIS pal, Glenn Cullen. The e-mail says &quot;Christ Alive!  What a cunt !!!&quot; While Hugh does this despicable thing, Roy continues talking to Glenn.)''
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ''(to Glenn)'' We live in an inclusive society, am I right? I mean, we-we all rub shoulders together, Mr. Cullen? 
:'''Glenn:''' Indeed. 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' So let's not let the Mark Ryans of this world create...
:'''Glenn:''' Sorry? 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ...apartheid for children. The alternative is to isolate these kids in ghetto schools. 
:'''Glenn:''' The minister won't be a moment. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Robyn, Ollie and Terri are looking at the atrium of the new building from their floor.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Good spot for a suicide, this, I would think: good long drop, appreciative audience.  
:'''Robyn:''' What if you just broke your back? You know, you'd be paralysed for life and then you'd still be depressed about the thing that was depressing you in the first place.  
:'''Terri:''' What are these, um, hangy-down things?  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, they're [[wikipedia:Sound_baffle#Interior_sound_baffle_design|acoustic baffles]], they stop it getting too echoey in here.  
:'''Robyn:''' So when you're breaking your back, nobody can hear you screaming?  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that is the kind of attention to detail that you get in a [[wikipedia:Private_finance_initiative|PFI]] building.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(spotting them from the ground floor)'' ''HEY! GET BACK TO WORK, ALL OF YOU!''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh has privately admitted to Terri that he sent the sweary email from her account.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Now Hugh, are you going to do the right thing, are you going to admit to this publicly?  
:'''Hugh:''' Are you – What? No! Are you mad? I can't do that, that ''mustn't'' happen! ''You've'' got – I ''need'' you, to –  
:'''Terri:''' What, to lie?  
:'''Hugh:''' I think it was [[Jacques Derrida|Derrida]] who said there is no such thing as actual ''empirical'' truth, but only –  
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, ''I'll'' tell you what Derrida said, he said, 'Go fuck your face, Abbot!'  
:''(Terri tries to storm out of the door, but only belatedly notices the exit switch)''  
:'''Hugh:''' You need to mind your language, it just will keep getting you into trouble.  
:'''Terri:''' ''(finally opening the door)'' I can't even get out the fucking room! ''(storms out)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn return from their Education Select Committee appearance.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' How was that?  
:'''Hugh:''' I lied to the Select Committee. I lied! Is Tucker in the building?  
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm in the Middle.  
:'''Hugh:''' What?  
:'''Ollie:''' It's just what they're calling him now, 'cause he can stand in the middle of the atrium and just shout at all the departments.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well I don't want to see him, not at the moment, I can't take one of his scenes from The Exorcist just now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Look, I don't think Ballentine's on to anything.  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh no? No? Well, why did she keep asking, 'Just one expert? Only one? Not two experts? Less than three but not two?' The fucking bitch.  
:'''Glenn:''' It's her style, look, she's just trying to throw you off balance like a sumo wrestler.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well it worked: there I was on the floor in a big fucking nappy.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': Christ Malcolm, how do you appear out of nowhere in a building made entirely out of glass?
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm a shape-shifter.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': It's going to be like sitting on a tea crate, having chicken shit sprayed all over me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''A civil servant:''' I'm sorry, can you stop swearing please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, you won't hear any more swearing from us, YOU MASSIVE, GAY, ''SHITE!!! FUCK OFF!'' ''(to Ollie)'' Right, how are you doing in sorting out whether or not he lied or not, are you OK?
:'''Ollie:''' Pretty well, yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that a lie?  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That is not fucking funny, you retard. I'm sorry about that, Glenn. The situation just –
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Claire Ballentine:''' Are you lying to me now about not lying to me before? 
:'''Hugh:''' No, I am not a liar. I categorically did not knowingly not tell the truth, even though unknowingly I might not have done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know what else can go wrong now. Unless the flexible energy system sets fire to my office and then puts it out by squirting liquefied human shit through the ceiling sprinklers.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': Hey, I'm going to have a swear box installed on Monday.
:'''Hugh''': What?
:'''Malcolm''': Fucking joking, you twat! I'm on turbo.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' God, right, okay, well, seein' as you're not used to this, I'll go through it for you, okay? What happens at a press conference is this. A bunch of press people are gonna appear, they've got things called cameras and microphones and mobile phones and hangovers and bad breath. Then you are gonna walk out and you're gonna read from what we call a &quot;prepared statement&quot;. In that you will say, &quot;I'm really fucking sorry for sounding like a hairy-arsed docker after twelve pints. I promise that I will never call an 8-year-old girl a cunt again. Can we now just draw a line over this, and fucking move on. Thank you&quot;. Everybody goes home and then we wait and we see what happens. The best case is you get to keep your job, although you will forever be known as the Sweary Woman of Whitehall.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie''' ''(on the phone to a man he can see in a glass office)'': Yes, but you can't just dump rabies on us because you don't want it. You're Health, that's your job! You should have rabies. Health should have rabies, right? ''(sees the man mime fellatio)'' Oh right, yeah, fine. OK. So we're gonna have to swallow this one, but if we have to deal with a rabies outbreak we're gonna do it so fucking well, you're gonna be frothing at the mouth – yeah, twice! ''(hangs up)'' You prick!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Hugh:''' First day back from holiday, tanned, tawdry and cheap. I feel like something out of ''[[wikipedia:Footballers'_Wives|Footballers' Wives]]''.  
:'''Glenn:''' How do you know about ''Footballers' Wives''?  
:'''Hugh:''' Ollie told me. They all live in Chelmsford, have names like Madison and Chutney, they're an orange colour and they've got thongs up their cracks.

==The Rise Of The Nutters==
:''(In the opening scene of this episode, Ollie Reeder and his girlfriend, Emma Messenger, are walking down the street together in the morning. Ollie and Emma are on opposite sides of the British political spectrum. Nevertheless, the two of them are enjoying some good-natured banter talking about their party leaders.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I'm extremely impressed. I'm highly impressed that you're going to see the leader of your party. 
:'''Emma Messenger:''' Good. You should be impressed. 
:'''Ollie:''' Although, ultimately, the leader of your party is just a man, really, isn't he? He's just a guy. 
:'''Emma:''' Ah, now that's a good point, actually, because yours on the other hand is...
:'''Ollie:''' No no no no. Mine is...
:'''Emma:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' ...the leader of the country also. What I'm saying is ''if'' we were playing Top Trumps, which we kind of are...
:'''Emma:''' Oh, cor, we absolutely are, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' I win. 
:'''Emma:''' Right. So it's Ben Swain Day today, is it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. A Nutter in our midst. A junior minister for me to push around, you know. That's nice, isn't it? A bit more power for me. 
:'''Emma:''' You are an extremely powerful man, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Very powerful, very attractive sexually, due to all this power.
:''(As Ollie and Emma get to Government Headquarters, they are met up with Malcolm and Jamie.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Hey, Poxbridge!
:'''Malcolm:''' Hello!
:'''Jamie:''' Hey, dickhead! Happy New Queer!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, but I – don't be so offensive. I do apologise for my friend's behaviour. Did you have a nice Poof-mas?
:'''Ollie:''' What are you two, um, doing round Richmond Terrace then? 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, we're slumming it. Just going to see Julius, the big baldy ballbag. ''(to Emma)'' You must be, you, what is it? Gemma? Gemma? 
:'''Emma:''' Emma. It's Emma. 
:'''Jamie:''' Emma. Hi, Emma. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What are you doing down here? 
:'''Ollie:''' I'm babysitting Ben Swain for the day. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Could you water my spider plants in my office as well? ''(to Emma)'' He's very good with the watering can. Very very bright lad. Homemaker. 
:''(And with that, Ollie and Emma share a rather awkward goodbye -- WITH NO KISS!)'' 
:'''Emma:''' I'll see you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, see you later. ''(Ollie rushes inside to catch up with Jamie and Malcolm.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie are busting Ollie's chops about his relationship with Emma.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So, the girlfriend, she-she doesn't mind the whole, uh, you being gay thing? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Did you take her home for Christmas? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. God, no. I couldn't do that. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh no, you couldn't do that, 'cause she wouldn't fit in. 'Cause you're that right dyed-in-the-wool working class, aren't you? She's probably allergic to pit ponies. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Peter Mannion, the Leader of the Opposition, is having a chat with his adviser, Phil Smith. As they're entering Opposition Headquarters, Peter and Phil are discussing Emma's relationship with Ollie...and Phil just happens to be Emma's roommate.)'' 
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Are they actually sleeping together? 
:'''Phil Smith:''' Yes, yeah. In the flat. 
:'''Peter:''' Do you think she's on top or, what-what do you hear? 
:'''Phil:''' Well, I hear her say, &quot;How do you like it?&quot; And he'll say, &quot;I've got to page Tucker.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, God. ''(beat)'' Have I shaved properly? It's just we're-we're having the bathroom done and I was in the kitchen this morning using the kettle as a mirror. 
:'''Phil:''' No, you're very smooth. So it's a chrome kettle, then? 
:'''Peter:''' You've been watching ''[[wikipedia:CSI|CSI]]'' again, haven't you? 
:''(As Peter and Phil are walking up the stairs, they are joined by Emma, who is also Peter's advisor.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Morning. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, hello. How was sleeping with the enemy? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh, hilarious. I forgot how funny you were. 
:''(The three of them are nearing the office...)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' What time are you seeing Stewart? 
:'''Emma:''' It'll be in about half an hour. What about you? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, I'll be last in. He's punishing me for standing against JB in the leadership contest by putting me in the [[wikipedia:Ryanair|Ryanair]] queue. 
:'''Emma:''' Come on, he got you that terrific photo op with the, uh, wind turbine thing on your house, remember? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes, and it cost me 12 grand. And I have to pay for the electricity bill to keep the bugger turning because, of course, there's no wind in the valley, I have to plug it in. But my next door neighbor has an England flag that just hangs there limply while my turbine mysteriously whizzes around. 
:'''Phil:''' Could turn the turbine round so it blows his flag. 
:''(Peter, Emma and Phil finally sit down.)''
:'''Phil:''' Right. What's up first, then, Peter? 
:'''Emma:''' While we're here, we could bat a few ideas around. 
:'''Peter:''' He wants something fluffy for the speech, does he? Environment? Tax breaks for aromatherapists? SatNav for asylum seekers? 
:'''Phil:''' Well, I was thinking about a departmental blog. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning again)'' Oh, God. Really? 
:'''Phil:''' I could actually do the..the writing bit of it, because you wouldn't have time.  
:'''Peter:''' Well, I mean, I might as well, I've knack all else to do. ''(Peter turns to Phil)'' Though, um...to be honest, you-you sort it out. 
:'''Phil:''' I thought we could have like a guest book so that, kind of, you know, readers can kind of leave their comments. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you sure? Have you ever Googled your own name? It's like opening a door to a room where everyone tells you how shit you are. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm, Jamie and Ollie are walking up the stairs to the offices at Government HQ, discussing Ben Swain.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Where's [[wikipedia:My Little Pony|My Little Phony?]] Ben Swain. What's his ''[[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]]'' angle gonna be, then? 
:'''Ollie:''' Ben? Ben is going on Newsnight?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, you're a right little West Winger, you, aren't you? They're cutting you out of the loop already? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll check who the presenter is and obviously...
:'''Jamie:''' The presenter is Newsbot 3.2. He's a nobody. He's a fucking scorch mark. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Paxo's in Kenya fly-fishing with [[wikipedia:Stephen Fry|Stephen Fry]] or whatever the fuck it is he does. Kirsty is sobering up in Kilmarnock with her gran, so she's out of the picture. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll just check the lines with Pat Morrissey, then. And then we'll...
:'''Jamie:''' Pat Morrissey?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Jamie:''' Her? What, Fat Pat? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Jamie:''' &quot;Pumpkin Tits?&quot;
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Pat and, uh, Communications have asked that everything be double-ticked through her from now. ''(to Malcolm)'' I mean, you get a tick as well. Obviously. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh well, well obviously! Yes, that's-that's very very nice and that's very fucking big of them! I get a tick! 
:'''Ollie:''' So I mean, it's, it's two ticks for a, uh, a green light, basically, that's the system.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(beside himself)'' Pat Morrissey. Communications is full of Nutters these days. 
:'''Jamie:''' Soon as the PM said he'd be gone inside a year, the Nutters start popping up like [[wikipedia:Melanoma|mela-fucking-noma]]. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' See you later. See you in a tick. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What about you? You're not a Nutter, are you? 
:'''Ollie:''' I-I'm not a Nutter, Jamie. I'm...I'm a nipper.  
:''(Ollie then bumps into Terri.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Hey, Terri! 
:'''Terri:''' Hi, Ollie, Happy New Year! 
:'''Ollie:''' How was Christmas? 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, you know...
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I know, yeah. Six pairs of socks, three Harry Potter omnibuses. All that &quot;I thought you were taking the giblets out. Don't give Nan any more Baileys. She's only got the one pad with her.&quot; ''(Ollie follows Terri into an office.)'' Every bloody year. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, you know, just me and Mum in the care home. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. Jesus...So, eh, Ben on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Terri:''' Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah. Oh, God, thank God you didn't know, either. I thought it was just me. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh no no no. I did know about that, actually. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, why did you say it like that, then? &quot;Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?''&quot;
:'''Terri:''' You're just out of the loop. I'm very well wired into the Tommists. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Nobody calls them Tommists. They're Nutters, Terri. Nobody calls them Tommists. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(dead serious)'' I don't like that word. My sister works in mental health. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ben Swain, the Junior Minister that Ollie is &quot;babysitting,&quot; arrives at the office.)'' 
:'''Ben Swain:''' Morning, all! 
:'''Terri:''' Benjamin! Happy New Year! 
:'''Ollie:''' Ben! Big Ben, Ben-Benji, Beno, Benj.
:'''Ben:''' Happy New Year to you as well. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' These are the briefing notes. 
:'''Ben:''' Ah, splendid. I'll file these directly in the shredder. Thank you, Glenn. 
:''(Ben, Glenn and Ollie enter an office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' If you just, uh, stick to what's in there, you'll be all right. Just remember, you're the night watchman, all right? 
:'''Ben:''' Yes, well, I like to think of myself as more, perhaps, I don't know, an elected MP than a night watchman, Glenn. But thank you very much for everything, I'll be fine without you holding my hand. You enjoy your weekend cottaging in Wales or whatever it is you're up to. 
:''(Ollie picks up a copy of Ben's upcoming book, which is called, &quot;It's the Everything, Stupid: How to Get Ahead in Modern Politics.&quot;)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(impressed)'' This is looking good. When is it coming out? 
:'''Ben:''' End of the, end of the week. You'll be able to make the launch party? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Ben)'' Great title. 
:'''Ben:''' Thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' And have you written it yourself or was it ghosted by, uh...
:'''Ben:''' By [[wikipedia:Victoria Beckham|Victoria Beckham]]? No, everything in there is entirely-entirely written by me, I think you'll find. Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' There you go, you have hidden talents. 
:'''Ben:''' Anyone heard from &quot;The Hughster?&quot; 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, he's suffering from jet lag. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Ben)'' Have you ever been to Australia? 
:'''Ben:''' No. Why would I want to go there? Full of people in khaki, squinting. Just the world's largest collection of poisonous things. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, yeah. God, yeah. If you want to stick around with poisonous snakes, you might as well stay here. 
:''(Awkward silence occurs after Ollie's stupid attempt at a joke.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(jokingly)'' Throw a blanket on me, I'm on fire. 
:'''Ben:''' Heh-heh, good. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Before Glenn heads off to Wales, he gives Ollie some last-minute instructions for babysitting Ben.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, Ollie. We may be babysitting a Nutter. He may look like a Womble, but he's got Nutter eyes and Nutter ears. So, keep an eye on him. 
:'''Ollie:''' All right, the minute any chicken blood turns up on the paperwork, I'll be straight on to you, don't worry. 
:'''Glenn:''' Right, I'm off to Wales and the late 1950s. 
:''(Terri blows Glenn a friendly kiss goodbye.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Happy trails.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(As Peter is waiting to meet with Stewart -- still -- he has a conversation with Phil about his upcoming holiday.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(coughing)'' Oh, I can't get rid of this. 
:'''Phil:''' I bet you're looking forward to your holiday. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, yeah. I mean, obviously, I'm not flying abroad anywhere, because...
:'''Phil:''' Carbon. 
:'''Peter:''' No, bathroom. I'm supervising the doing up of my bathroom. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(looking at two lamps)'' What is that?
:'''Peter:''' It's just –
:'''Phil:''' Is that raffia?
:'''Peter:''' He's discovered IKEA, hasn't he?
:'''Phil:''' It's all for show. They want to look modern, like they appeal to the kind of people who go to IKEA.
:'''Peter:''' I'm modern! I say 'black' instead of 'coloured', I think women are a good thing, I have no problem with gays. Most of them are very well turned out, especially the men.
:'''Phil:''' I know.
:'''Peter:''' Why is it, this last year, I'm being made to feel as if I'm always two steps behind, like I can't program the video or convert everything back to [[wikipedia:£sd|old money]]? Because that's not me!
:'''Phil:''' ''(confused)'' You've still got a video?
:'''Peter:''' I'm a one-nation party. 
:''(And now, it's time to meet Stewart Pearson, the Director of Communications for the Opposition. Stewart and Emma are sharing a laugh as she's leaving his office. Now, Stewart is ready to see Peter.)'' 
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' ''(smiling)'' Ah, Peter. Dr. Stewart will see you now, hey? I could hear you coughing in there. Is that your contribution to the meeting? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' You all right? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes, okay. You know, it's just hanging around. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, I'm sorry to keep you hanging about, but you know, right now all the...all the big priority stuff is the big party stuff. 
:'''Peter:''' I was talking about the cold hanging around. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, right. ''(Stewart heads back into his office.)'' Thanks very much, Em. 
:''(As Peter goes into Stewart's office for a chat, Phil asks Emma about her meeting.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Was that fun there? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, it was useful. 
:'''Phil:''' Playing with the big boys? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah. Now I'm back with the little boys, huh? 
:'''Phil:''' No. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart and Peter start their chat.)''
:'''Stewart:''' So. How are you, then? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(nodding)'' Fine, I'm-I'm fine. 
:'''Stewart:''' Good, superb, because the reason I've asked you in -- I mean, firstly, just to say, &quot;Hi, how are you?&quot;...
:'''Peter:''' Still fine. 
:'''Stewart:''' Then, this photo call this afternoon, &quot;100 Days of the New Leader.&quot; We've got you a Paul Smith suit. I did think about Vivienne Westwood or...Well, it was just too expensive. And, oh, and a Ted Baker... ''(Stewart pulls out a pinkish-looking shirt with stripes on it.)'' Ted Baker shirt, right? No tie, we're thinking open-necked look might be good. 
:'''Peter:''' But I'm already wearing a suit and, controversially, a tie. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, sure. But frankly, you know, it all looks a bit '80s, you know? [[wikipedia:Robert Palmer|Robert Palmer]], Sink the Belgrano, that kind of vibe. We think this is better, it's modern, it's sharp, it's slimming. Try it on. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(in amused disbelief)'' Is this a joke? 
:'''Stewart:''' Try the suit on. 
:''(Moments later, Stewart makes Peter change into a different suit and shirt.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Just wondering whether you're fully conversant with the new line, whether you're really up to speed?
:'''Peter:''' Well, I don't know. Am I? Because, uh, I get people stopping me in the streets and saying, 'Are you still for locking up yobbos?', and I say, 'Yeah, of course we are.' And then I think, 'Well, are we?' Because maybe I missed a memo from you. Maybe I should understand yobbos now, or not even call them yobbos, call them 'young men with issues around stabbing.' ''(awkward silence)'' No tie, you say?
:'''Stewart:''' No tie.
:'''Peter:''' Quite a nice suit, actually.
:'''Stewart:''' So, we were thinking...Shirt outside the trousers.
:'''Peter:''' Outside? Not tuck my shirt in?
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah.
:'''Peter:''' I always tuck my shirt in, it's part of getting dressed. What, should I not do my flies up either? Let the old chap flop out. Is that modern enough for you?
:'''Stewart:''' Just try it, Peter. Not the cock out, but just the shirt thing.
:'''Peter:''' ''(untucking his shirt)'' I'm from a generation of men, Stewart, who tuck their shirts in. I've done it since I was a boy, I was told off for ''not'' doing it.
:'''Stewart:''' Oh God, no, you were right. Sorry, no, tuck it in. You look like you've been startled by a fire alarm.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie enter Ben's office. Time to discuss Ben's upcoming appearance as Jeremy Paxman's guest on Newsnight.)''
:'''Jamie:''' Mr. Swain. 
:'''Ben:''' Jamie. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Good morning, Ben. 
:'''Ben:''' Morning, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to 2 office workers)'' Off you two fuck. 
:''(The 2 workers leave Ben's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, Ben, heard the big news about [[wikipedia:Jeremy_Paxman|Paxo]].
:'''Ben:''' Oh right.
:'''Malcolm:''' What was it you did in your gap year again?
:'''Ben:''' Um, Interrailing, month on a kibbutz –
:'''Malcolm:''' Did you ever travel, like, 100 miles per hour, head-first through a tunnel full of pig shit? Because that's what's gonna happen to you tonight with Paxman, ''unless'', unless...you listen to us.
:'''Jamie:''' He will eat you up, sick you out and grout his fucking wet room with you.
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, I have been interviewed on television before, thank you very much.
:'''Malcolm:''' Who?
:'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:George_Alagiah|George Alagiah]].
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah? Do you know what they call him? Easy George.
:'''Malcolm:''' This is Paxo. What are you gonna do when he pulls that big rubbery horse-face of mock-incredulity at you?
:'''Ben:''' Yes, look, we know the cheat codes for Paxman now, don't we? That old aggressive style of his is just old school. All you need to do, you play the honest, the Honest Joe just trying to humbly get your point across and...
:'''Jamie:''' ''(pulling up a chair)'' Let's see you do your stuff, Mr. Television, huh? 
:''(Jamie is pretending to be Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight, asking Ben questions.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(As Paxo)'' Immigration is in disarray. What are ''you'' going to do about it? 
:'''Ben:''' Well, first of all, I would have to take issue with your contention that immigration is in...
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, answer the question, you fat fuck! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil and Emma are home in their flat -- discussing Ollie.)''
:'''Phil:''' Why the fuck do you have to keep inviting him round here?
:'''Emma:''' Oh, are you a bit jealous?
:'''Phil:''' Of [[wikipedia:Gerald_Home|the man]] from the Mr Muscle adverts? No, I just think it's just unreasonable that I have to watch what I'm gonna say in my own flat; I mean, you could at least give me warning if he's coming round or something.
:'''Emma:''' I tell you what, I'll put a sex grid on the fridge.
:'''Phil:''' Oh, yeah.
:'''Emma:''' So that you can have dates and stuff: I'll put an A4 piece of paper for me up, and maybe you could have half a post-it note? You could share it with Affers, maybe.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. Have to write really small, though, I've slept with three women in –
:'''Ollie:''' ''(returning from the toilet)'' Your life?
:'''Phil:''' Yes.
:''(Ollie laughs)''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Ollie, Emma, and Phil are watching Ben Swain's [[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]] interview together. Malcolm, who is also watching from his office, is on the phone to Jamie, who is watching Ben from inside the studio.)''
:'''Emma:''' What's he doing with his eyes?
:'''Ollie:''' Oh my God. He's got a nervous blink.
:'''Malcolm:''' That's a mega blink! It's not just ''a'' blink.
:'''Ollie:''' He looks like what happens when you punch a cow. ''(impersonates a cow mooing in pain)''
:'''Phil:''' Oh my God, this is like watching a lion rape a sheep, but in a bad way.
:'''Jamie:''' The cameramen are laughing.
:'''Ollie:''' 'J-j-j-j-just'!
:'''Emma:''' Stop him, stop him!
:'''Ollie:''' He spelled 'just' with four Js!
:'''Malcolm:''' He's like a chicken, he's like an enormous chicken!
:'''Phil:''' It's just one word he's been saying, which is basically ''(gibberish)''.
:'''Jamie:''' Well, what about the coalface?
:'''Malcolm:''' Pull it, puncture his lifebelt. Pull it, give him the signal. If he shits, I'll give you 500 quid.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(After Ben Swain's interview)''
:'''Ollie:''' Well he certainly looked like a Nutter.
:'''Emma:''' He looked like that little guy on the green that shouts 'You're an Arab' at everyone.
:'''Phil:''' It's a tough day tomorrow, picking bits of Ben out of Malcolm's car.
:'''Ollie:''' He didn't mention the coalface idea.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ben, in the car back from the studio)'' You don't deserve to ''live!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' How is my blog? My own personal blog, personally written by me?
:''(they all go to the computer)''
:'''Phil:''' There we go.
:'''Emma:''' Oh, brilliant.
:'''Phil:''' Yesterday you liked the leader's speech, it was bold and courageous and sent out the right signals, and you had a fruit lunch.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, I write very well. What's the feedback like?
:'''Phil:''' Pretty good. Let's see on this page here. Here we go.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;I don't trust you, you Cypriot crook.&quot;
:'''Phil:''' What?
:'''Peter:''' Cypriot? This is the shit room. You've opened the shit room door.
:'''Emma:''' Oh come on, that's not too bad.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;How are the maintenance payments going on your bastard?&quot; Christ, that was twelve years ago!
:'''Phil:''' I hadn't seen that one.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;Adulterous Nazi&quot;?
:'''Phil:''' Or that one.
:'''Emma:''' That's actually I think the same one.
:'''Peter:''' This is the trouble with the public, they're fucking horrible.
:'''Emma:''' Peter, you really – you can't say the public are fucking horrible.
:'''Peter:''' Yes I can, I've met them. &quot;You've always got such a pained expression. Do you take it up the chutney?&quot; Really? I mean, for God's sake.
:'''Emma:''' The chutney?
:'''Peter:''' Yes, it's up the arse.
:'''Emma:''' See this: I still don't understand why people do this 'h8' thing. If you're going to leave a message, I mean, at least spell it correctly.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil:''' What the fuck was that all about? You know, nicking the other lot's ideas?
:'''Emma:''' You jumped straight on the bandwagon, you hypocrite.
:'''Phil:''' You started it. You know, at least I'm not nicking my boyfriend's ideas.
:'''Emma:''' You sanctimonious twat! Jesus, you're not my dad, Phil, even if you do dress like him.
:'''Peter:''' ''(knocking from behind glass)'' What's going on?
:'''Phil:''' Swain was supposed to flag up the coalface idea last night but he didn't. So Emma nicked it.
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, fuck-tastic. Not only was it a shit idea to ruin my holiday, it was a shit idea you stole from the government to ruin my holiday. Good work.
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Thanks a lot, [[wikipedia:Supergrass_(informant)|Supergrass]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)'': Oh, here he is. Dead man walking. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Ben)'' 'I, I, I wish you wouldn't keep saying that, I, I, I –' ''(normal voice)'' What's your favourite band, [[blink-182]]?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' That's not a proper cigar: a proper cigar is those big Cuban whoppers, that's just a jumped-up fag.
:'''Malcolm:''' Talking of [[wikipedia:Fagging|which]] –  
:'''Ollie''' ''(entering)'': Hi.
:'''Jamie and Malcolm:''' Hey!
:'''Jamie:''' Is it [[wikipedia:Rag_(student_society)#Rag_Week|Rag Week]]?
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you fancy a cigar? I promise I won't tell any of the other prefects.
:'''Jamie:''' Hand rolled on the thigh of a Cuban virgin with big tits and four kids.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, thanks. Um, Malcolm, I just wondered if I could have a quick word, actually. The opposition have got the Week at the Coalface idea. They're gonna do it.
:'''Jamie:''' Who, when?
:'''Ollie:''' Peter Mannion, I don't know when.
:'''Malcolm:''' How the fuck did they get that? Your fucking girlfriend, Jesus Christ!
:'''Jamie:''' You should have dumped that mad bitch ages ago.
:'''Ollie:''' Well I would've done! She is mad, she's a mental woman! But you two kept telling me to go out with her and stay going out with her, just in case I found anything out!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, and what did you find out? That you've been leaking intelligence to them? You're the fucking shittest James Bond ever. You're... you're [[wikipedia:David_Niven|David fucking Niven]]!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Malcolm:''' Get him properly fucking screen-tested. I'm sorry mate, but you need a lot of powder, I've never seen anybody look so fucking ugly with just one head.
:'''Ben:''' Yeah. No, I lost my islands of safety, didn't I, which is –
:'''Malcolm:''' And who was it that did your media training? [[wikipedia:Moors_murders#Myra_Hindley|Myra Hindley]]? I mean, it was terrible, all this – hands were all over the place. You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra! It was like watching John Leslie at work!
:'''Ben:''' Yes, I know all of that, and it just kind of fell away. God, it was like one of those dreams when you're wandering around [[wikipedia:Covent_Garden|Covent Garden]] or something in just your vest and everyone's staring at you.
:'''Jamie:''' I think it was much worse than that, I mean, how many people see you in Covent Garden, a few thousand? Your meltdown was witnessed by 1.2 million people. That's more people than saw [[wikipedia:Al_Jolson|Al Jolson]] in his entire career. And that's Al fucking Jolson!
:'''Malcolm:''' He loves Al Jolson.
:'''Jamie:''' The Governor!
:'''Ollie:''' '[[wikipedia:My_Mammy|Maaammy]].'
:'''Jamie:''' You take the piss out of Jolson again, and I will remove your [[iPod]] from its tiny nano-sheath, and push it up your ''cock!'' And then I'll plug some speakers up your arse, and put it onto shuffle with my fucking fist! And every time I hear something that I don't like, which will be every time that something comes on, I will skip to the next track ''(to Ben)'' by crushing ''your balls!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, sorry! Do you know what, maybe you should dump Peter and go out with Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, it wouldn't be any more disastrous than our relationship, would it, hey?
:'''Emma:''' Christ, Ollie, well if it's been such a fucking disaster, why didn't you break up with me sooner?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, if it had been up to me I would have broken up with you sooner!
:'''Emma:''' If it had been up t– Oh, OK – This is Malcolm, isn't it? Malcolm has been pimping you out! You fucking sad little –
:'''Phil:''' ''(laughing)'' That's funny.  
:'''Ollie and Emma:''' Fuck you, Phil!
:'''Phil:''' Oh, suddenly ''I'm'' the bad guy again.
:'''Ollie:''' Go and read your blog, nerd boy! I'm going. This is the point where I go.
:'''Phil:''' Wow. That point actually exists. Incredible.
:'''Ollie:''' I will be so ''not'' sorry not ever to have to talk to you again, you massive floppy blonde tit! I hope your blog gets done for libel and you get knobbed in prison by men. And – ''(to Emma)'' it is over, you self-serving, crypto-fascist, horse-loving, posh, weekend-at-Daddy's, vacuous nothing! ''(leaves)''
:'''Emma:''' Fuck you, Ollie, and put your keys on the side!
:'''Phil:''' He's got keys?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(looking at a newspaper story with the headline &quot;Silly Tucker: Was web of filth spun by Downing Street 'Spiderman'?&quot;)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': The story isn't me, Glenn, OK? Nobody is interested in me and I'll be pleased if you'd remember that, OK?
:'''Glenn''' ''(at his sister's Welsh cottage)'': You sure you don't want me and Hugh to come back? We could give you some cover.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh is not coming back: it would look like we're panicking, and we're not panicking. But I need ''you'' back here fucking ASAP to let them know that we're not panicking.
:'''Glenn:''' So you want me to interrupt ''my'' holiday in a panic, so that Hugh doesn't have to interrupt ''his'' holiday and look like he's panicking?
:'''Malcolm:''' You get back here! I wanna see you popping a bollock for me! ''(hangs up)''
:'''Jamie:''' ''(walking in, holding up the same 'Silly Tucker' story)'' You seen this?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I haven't seen that. I'm the senior press guy for the Government of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. No, I don't look at the newspapers, that's fucking news to me.
:'''Jamie:''' All right, all right. What are we doing?
:'''Malcolm:''' What are we doing? Fuck all, we're not doing nothing, all right, because I am not the story here.
:'''Jamie:''' Well, no, you kind of are the story, Malc: they spelt your name right and everything.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You take this and this, and you put it onto your bird's breasts, and you rub them and squeeze them very very gently, you get her into the sack, you bang her fucking brains out, you make sure that she cums, and you just give her the policy!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, but I chucked her, and not in a kind of, you know, 'It's not you, it's me' sort of way, more in a 'It ''is'' you, you hideous vacuous [[Sloane Ranger|Sloane]] bitch from hell' kind of scorched-earth kind of –
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really not interested at all in your little tiff. Get round there, take your Barry White album and your lube and your fucking policy folder.
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this is really crossing the line here –
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't start with the moral objections, you fucking [[wikipedia:Blue_Peter_badge|Blue Peter badge]]-wearing ponce! Go and make a contribution to fucking Amnesty International, go and buy a goat the whole village can fuck! But you are doing this for me.
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you're bullying me, and, you know, I don't know why you're bullying me, you're –
:'''Malcolm:''' How dare you? How dare you! Don't you ever, ''ever'', call me a bully. I'm so much worse than that. Do it. OK? Wash your hands.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Do I know you? Oh, don't you work for somebody famous? Er, Malcolm [[wikipedia:Hamish_Macbeth|Hamish MacDeath]]?
:'''Jamie:''' It's, er, Peter Onion, isn't it?
:'''Peter:''' Hah! That's right.
:'''Jamie:''' I always forget, were you the forced abortion or the love child? Or the guy who asphyxiated himself with a kiwi?
:'''Peter:''' Just the love child: I was the quiet one.
:'''Phil:''' Like [[wikipedia:John_Deacon|John Deacon]] in Queen.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''' ''(on her phone)'': Well I might as well call myself on unofficial leave now: nothing will happen for the next three weeks, absolutely zero. I'm gonna book that holiday. Yeah, well, I mean, all they'll be doing, they'll be bobbing about like emperor penguins trying to swap over an egg.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Jamie:''' Is your department looking at a 10 million overspend? Yes, or no?
:'''Ben:''' Well, I don't have the figures to hand, but all I can say is that if there has been an overspend or a perceived overspend within this department, then certainly I think I've – ''(sees Jamie mime fellatio)'' He's not gonna do that, is he?
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh yes, he will, and he will do a lot more. Jazz hands, he'll be touching you up under the table, he's got all the tricks.
:'''Ben:''' No he won't! Fuck off, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' You, listen. First things first: you need some interruption lines, yeah? Something that you can throw in.
:'''Ben:''' All right: how about, er, 'I will answer the questions in the order you asked them, Jeremy'.
:'''Jamie:''' That makes you sound like a smug Oxbridge twat. Oh, I know you are, but ''everyone'' doesn't need to know.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(while watching Ben Swain on Newsnight)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Still, at least Hugh will be pleased.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, he'll be thrilled, I'm sure! His department on the rack, he'll be like, 'Hey, Ollie, thanks for running the department, although it seems to have all turned to shit!' You're like the man with the [[wikipedia:Midas#Golden_Touch|Midas touch]], except instead of everything you touch turning to gold, it turns to shit. You're like the man with the shit touch. Shitfinger.
:'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you be online pretending to be a Hobbit, eh? Trying to get a date with a lady Hobbit, but failing?
:'''Phil:''' Shitfinger.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh hey, hello, here he is! The walk of shame.
:'''Jamie:''' You never told us you had epilepsy of the eyes. Was that a sweat, or were you crying?
:'''Malcolm:''' Have I seen you on the telly?
:'''Ben:''' ''(laughs)'' Yeah. [[wikipedia:Blockbusters_(British_game_show)|Blockbuster]], 1991, I got a Gold Run.
:'''Malcolm:''' You know what, I have never seen anyone sweat so much in my life. And I've had a sauna with [[Luciano Pavarotti|Pavarotti]]! I know that politicians and hot air are supposed to go together, but I've never actually seen one vapourise!
:'''Ben:''' Can I get you two fellows a drink?
:'''Malcolm:''' An orange juice, yeah, yes.
:'''Ben:''' Jamie?
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I'll have a pint of 'Fuck right off and die, you miserable fucking tosser'. Do they do that in here?
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a wee bit disappointed.
:'''Jamie:''' We'll get you on [[wikipedia:Newsround|Newsround]] next time. You reflected badly on me, and I don't like that.
:'''Ben:''' Oh come on, Jamie, look, I'll get you a drink and then we'll –
:'''Jamie:''' DO YOU WANT A FUCKING SPLINTER GLASS FACIAL? I'm not pretending to hate you here, I actually fucking hate you! I'm not playing a fucking game. Fuck off! ''(leaves)''
:'''Malcolm:''' He trained as a priest.
:'''Ben:''' Really? Yeah, he'd be fantastic, I'd confess everything to him.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where are you tonight? 'Cause you're not here. What, no invitation for number one party animal, Julius [[Pete Doherty]] Nicholson?
:'''Julius:''' Who's Peter O'Doherty?
:'''Malcolm:''' Stop trying to joke, OK? Don't joke, you are not funny, Julius, you're about as funny as a blind toddler in a fucking minefield.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn''' ''(in his sister's Welsh cottage, on the phone)'': Ah, Malcolm. Terri's just rung about the wankers' announcement, and I thought you'd want to know, Hugh's on the way to the airport, but do you want me to definitely tell him to get on the plane?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, it's too fucking late. What's he gonna do, come and shadow the shadow of DoSAC shadowing him? Show him where the bogs are?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, but you told me to tell him to come home.
:'''Malcolm:''' Did I?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah!
:'''Ollie''' ''(in Malcolm's office, on the phone)'': Right, Hugh, hi. Er, no, I don't think you're going to be wanted back here.
:'''Malcolm:''' What is the problem?
:'''Ollie:''' He's on some road somewhere where he can't do a U-turn for about five miles or something.
:'''Malcolm:''' Good! I like to know that I can still make him miserable even though he's 12,000 miles away.

==Spinners and Losers==
:''(Amidst all the chaos swirling after the announcement of the PM's surprise resignation, Ollie's cell phone rings. It's Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Angela, hello. 
:'''Angela:''' Ollie. How are you? 
:'''Ollie:''' I am tickets-fuckety-boo, thank you very much. 
:'''Angela:''' Sorry?
:'''Ollie:''' Tickets-fuckety-boo. It's just something that Ben says. 
:'''Angela:''' Are you and Ben Swain big buds, then? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you know...Just, could you...
:''(Ollie has to get away from Glenn, because Glenn is talking to Hugh on his cell phone.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Angela)'' Hang on just a second...
:''(Ollie walks away from the action...and then resumes his conversation with Angela.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(in a quieter voice)'' Things are just a little bit fluid here and Glenn's not really a big Ben fan. Ben Swain obviously, not the clock. Well, it's not the clock, is it? It's the bell that's called Big Ben.   
:'''Angela:''' So go on, tell me: Who else is running? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(in the men's toilets)'' Well, no one. No one's gonna stand against Tom now, surely, it's going to be unopposed. ''(Starts using the urinal)'' They'll be rebranding him as we speak, I would imagine: new hair, [[wikipedia:Ted_Baker|Ted Baker]] teeth, all the modern trappings of your political leader –  
:'''Angela:''' Ollie! Are you pissing?  
:'''Ollie:''' Er no, that's the flush of the automatic urinals, it's a gentlemen's lavatory.  
:'''Angela:''' I don't want to talk to you while you're holding your penis.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that's not what you used to say, Angela.  
:'''Angela:''' Er, yes it is.  
:'''Ollie:''' No, well – actually it is precisely what you used to say.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Has anybody seen Jamie?
:'''Glenn:''' Why, have you lost him?
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, don't tell me he's gone feral, 'cause he was fucking terrifying when you had him on the leash!
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's not overreact. 
:'''Ollie:''' Easy for ''you'' to say, he threatened to shove an iPod up my cock! 
:'''Malcolm:''' But you get that a lot, though, don't you?
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(discussing Dan Miller)''  
:'''Glenn:''' You don't think he's got a chance, do you?  
:'''Ollie:''' Nah, he's just a droid, isn't he? He's just – ''(makes robotic noises and gestures)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(lecturing Ollie)'' Hey hey hey hey. Don't-don't-don't let him hear you doing that sort of stuff. What happens if he does stand a chance, eh? He'll fuck you harder than [[wikipedia:Ron_Jeremy|Ron Jeremy]], and with less warmth.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at the Daily Mail's headquarters, Adam Kenyon, the editor-in-chief at the mail, is discussing the news of who's standing for leadership with Angela.)'' 
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, Geoff Holhurst?  
:'''Angela:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam:''' Right, Ollie's our source on this, is he? Ollie Reeder? [[wikipedia:Deep_Throat_(Watergate)|Shallow Throat]]? Brilliant.  
:'''Angela:''' Yeah, I know you don't rate him.  
:'''Adam:''' You can say that again. Ollie Reeder is, to quote [[wikipedia:Bobby Kennedy|Robert F. Kennedy]], a complete fucking spazmaloid. Plus you know how Geoff Holhurst photographs: it looks like his body's in the foreground and his head is really really far away, he looks fucking weird. Just something solid, all right? Otherwise our front page is gonna be an interview with [[wikipedia:Janet_Street-Porter|Janet Street-Porter]] on why she hasn't been asked to be Prime Minister and a giant fucking Sudoku.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Downstairs at Number 10, Malcolm has an awkward run-in with Cliff Lawton.)'' 
:'''Cliff:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Elvis! Sorry, sorry. Cliff, Cliff. Where are you off to? 
:'''Cliff:''' I'm actually off to, uh, to see an old colleague, you know, from the old days, from, uh...before you asked me to resign. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, lovely, lovely. Well, look, I'd love to stop and chat to you, but you know, I'd rather have Type 2 diabetes.  
:'''Cliff Lawton:''' Yes, fuck you, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, Happy New Year.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As Malcolm enters his office, he finds, to his surprise -- or is it dismay? -- Geoff Holhurst. Geoff stands up to greet Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. Hi, Geoff, don't stand. 
:'''Geoff:''' Oh. ''(Geoff sits back down)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, I mean, &quot;Don't stand against Tom.&quot; Now do you see what I did there? I was both being funny and also deadly serious. 
:'''Geoff:''' Yeah, now where did you hear that, Malcolm? I'm not standing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Never mind where I heard it from. The thing is, Geoff... ''(Malcolm sits down in his chair)'' You're gonna waste everybody's time. 
:'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, Malcolm. I'm just trying to start a debate, you know, a policy debate, about the future direction of the party and of the government. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Because first, you've got no credentials. I mean, you're so back bench you've actually fucking fallen off. You're out by the fucking bins where I put you. 
:'''Geoff:''' Hello? Are you listening to me? I'm not standing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Secondly, I'm gonna tell the Mirror about all the drinking. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(laughing)'' I'm not drinking. 
:'''Malcolm:''' And thirdly, I'm gonna tell the Mail about the affair. And fourthly, you've got a tiny head. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(offended)'' No I haven't! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes you have. It's out of proportion, everybody mentions it. 
:'''Geoff:''' Look...
:'''Malcolm:''' See? You're shaking it, and I can hardly see it move. Are you shaking it now? Are you shaking it now? I can't tell. 
:'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, okay? My head is the right size, all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is very petite. So you're not standing...
:'''Geoff:''' No. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right? You will not stand against Tom. 
:'''Geoff:''' I've said. I've bloody said. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, thank you, Geoff. Let's go. Arriva-fucking-derci. ''(Geoff gets up from his chair, and he and Malcolm shake hands.)'' Let's have lunch sometime, yeah? We'll have a tete-a-tiny-tete. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(leaving the office)'' Jesus...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And now, Nick Hanway, a government press relations officer, is entering his way into Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(seeing Nick enter)'' Oh, Nice Nutter Nick! 
:'''Nick Hanway:''' What was all that about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(standing up again)'' Just, you know, putting out a fire. 
:'''Nick:''' Definitely out? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Definitely out. Pissed out. Steam and cinders, pal. Does Tom know you're here? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah, of course, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So how's the rebrand going? 
:'''Nick:''' Okay, we've, um, booked him for a photo op on Tuesday. He's taking the family to a Harvester. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, Jesus Christ, really? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(jokingly as a reporter)'' &quot;Have you been to a Harvester before, Prime Minister?&quot; ''(and now as Tom)'' &quot;No, in fact, I've never actually been outside the fucking house with my family before.&quot; 
:'''Nick:''' Anyway, um, look...do you know the name of the bod who's booked to go on ''Today'' in the morning? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sure, yeah. Do ''you'' know? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah, we just found out. So -- ''you'' know who it is? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, of course ''I'' know. I mean, there's nothing that you know that I don't know. I'm Dr. Fucking Know. 
:'''Nick:''' Who is it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this, are you...Are you testing me now? Is it, 'cause I mean, I could test you. I mean, we could have a big match or testostethon. I mean, how do I know that you've got the fucking name, anyway? 
:'''Nick:''' Because Hugo at ''Today'' told us. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. 
:''(A bit of a pause...)''
:'''Nick:''' So what name have you got? 
:'''(Another hide-and-seek pause...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Dan Miller. 
:'''Nick:''' Oh, okay, so you do know. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course I fucking do. 
:'''Nick:''' Look, um, Tom's announcing his team in the morning, and I've just got to stop Dan Miller announcing his team two hours before we announce ours, so...if you want to get on the bus, that's... 
:'''Malcolm:''' That is my mission? You, Mr. Nutty Bar, have given me a task? Jesus Christ, who the fuck does Tom think he is? 
:'''Nick:''' The next Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Malcolm. 
:''(And with that cool, steely-eyed shot, Nick gets ready to leave Malcolm's office...but Malcolm isn't done with Nick yet.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Nick. ''(beat)'' Tell the mighty fucking Tom that his transition will be as smooth as a Brazilian's fuckh--
:''(But just before Malcolm can finish his comeback retort to Nick, Jamie enters the office from out of nowhere and interrupts the party.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Malcolm and Nick)'' Oh! [[wikipedia:Trinny_and_Susannah|Trinny ''and''  Susannah]]! Well I'm sorry to burst into your little fucking boutique, but you've got a fight on your hands. That's all I'm saying. I'm backing a rival candidate, ''(to Malcolm)'' so fuck you, ''(to Nick)'' and fuck you and your Nutter coronation 'cause it ain't happening.
:'''Nick:''' So you're backing Dan Miller, are you?  
:'''Jamie:''' No, I'm not backing Dan Miller! Don't you fucking ever ask me a question again!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fatty?  
:'''Jamie:''' Oh aye, Fatty, yeah, wee Spider-Man pyjamas, fucking idiot. From now on, it's a proper fight: it's a pub fight, [[wikipedia:Motherwell|Motherwell]] rules, and Tom is gonna get a pint glass in his fucking eye, and a pool cue up his arse, and another pool cue in his other fucking eye!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Geoff Holhurst.  
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, what, Mr Baby New Potato Head? Fuck off.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Jamie is backing Cliff Lawton for leadership. And now, Jamie and Cliff are traveling in a car, discussing strategy.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' ''(confused)'' Sorry? 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' Um, I don't...I don't know what you mean. What? 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' Okay, no, I'm not a horse. 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you sure? 
:'''Cliff:''' I'm sure. 
:'''Jamie:''' You've got a pretty fucking horsey face -- and a bit of a horsey wife. Are you a fucking horse? Are you? 
:'''Cliff:''' Okay, leaving the wife aside...
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' No...
:'''Jamie:''' EXACTLY!
:'''Cliff:''' I can categorically say that I am not a horse.
:'''Jamie:''' Exactly, you are not a fucking horse. You are no horse, and you are not a [[wikipedia:Stalking horse|stalking horse]]. ''You'' are the real thing. 
:'''Cliff:''' ''(nodding in agreement)'' Oh, right. 
:'''Jamie:''' And we are going to ''ram'' you up Tom's are so hard that he has to shit out of his lying mouth. 
:'''Cliff:''' It's not a very nice image, really, is it? ''(beat)'' But it's very motivating. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' And then, Liam said that someone suggested that Tom should go on ''[[wikipedia:Strictly_Come_Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]''.  
:'''Ollie:''' He can barely even walk properly. He looks like he shat himself the whole time.  
:'''Glenn:''' He often has.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Robyn)'': You are going to ''bury'' this Watford arseache tonight, OK? 'Cause tomorrow morning, from broadsheets to wank rags, I want page one, two and three to be a profile of Tom looking like a fucking political colossus, you know: Tom meeting the Pope, Tom in an NHS hospital chatting to little, baldie kiddies. I want pages four and five to be a timeline of the last few years in British politics with ''me'' at the centre, looking fucking indispensable, and fucking benign. And I want page six to be fucking – ''Israel'' or some bullshit, not a fucking DOSAC, DIPSHIT, LEGACY-DISTRACTING COCK-UP!  
:'''Robyn:''' Right, um, Jamie. Look, I just have to say at this point that I do find him just a little bit frightening.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Relax, he has never hit anyone. Or at least, anyone he has hit has never had the balls to take it to a superior. ''(Robyn still looks terrified)'' It's a fucking joke. It's a joke, OK? The man is a professional, you will be fine.  
:'''Glenn:''' Actually, Malcolm? We still have no word on Dan Miller. I mean, he's gone dark, he's not answering his phone –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Maybe he's in a hotel with his own huddle. Ring around, try and find him.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, ring every hotel in London and ask if Dan Miller's booked in?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah! Although he could be using an assumed name.  
:'''Glenn:''' So you want me to ring round every hotel in London, and ask if anyone, of any name, has booked in?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well it will keep you busy, you know, you need to keep the mind active at your age.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' OK, the line is: [[wikipedia:Wildcat_strike_action|wildcat walkout]], we'll be talking to the unions, it's too early to comment. Off the record: er, union Neanderthals with brains the size of children's bogies couldn't take the heat of Hugh Abbot's ring-stinging, shit-hot, public sector reforms, but he's flying back like Harrison Ford with a big whip in one hand and a skinny latte in the other and he's gonna whip six shades of shit out of them and save the world, OK?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone to Jamie)'' There is a glacier of shit at DoSAC! I need you over here, with a fucking blowtorch, right now!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' Nobody gives a shit if you got shafted by Malcolm.
:'''Cliff:''' ''I'' will never, ever forgive him for what he did to me.
:'''Jamie:''' Jesus, this isn't ''[[w:EastEnders|EastEnders]]!'' This is politics! We're all in the same plague pit, Cliff, there's no clean hands!
:''(Jamie's cell phone rings)''
:'''Cliff:''' All right –
:'''Jamie:''' ''(answering the phone)'' Yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' Jamie! What's that sort of droning noise in the background, then?
:'''Cliff:''' Look, okay, here's a more positive approach, right, I'll try this. ''(reads from his speech)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a kind of boring, kind of low sort of droning, boring, kind of miserable whining, boring kind of, sort of boring noise going on?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah, well, you've got it wrong, yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' Cliff fucking Lawton. Hey, nice. Was the Cillit Bang guy not available?
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck you. ''(hangs up)''
:'''Cliff:''' ... To put it simply, I'm back!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh fuck off, Cliff.
:'''Cliff:''' Sorry?
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck off! You're a busted flush! You're not gonna be Prime Minister, you're not gonna be anything, so fuck off.
:'''Cliff:''' This is your thing, isn't it? Everything has to be an absolute, everything has to be black and white! You know: 'I love you, fuck off!' There are lots of shades of grey, you know!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know that, I'm looking at fifteen of them right now. See you later, no-mark.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You've got this bullshit Watford story covered, yeah?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' You and I will have a little discussion later.
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah. I think Watford will get bumped by the fact that we're about to hand the nuclear codes to a guy who, every now and then, loses it so bad he needs satnav to find his own nipples.
:'''Malcolm:''' What are you talking about?
:'''Jamie:''' Well, I just thought it was fair to let everyone know about the Tom rumours, you know. How the guy that's about to become Prime Minister chugs antidepressants like they're fucking [[wikipedia:Smint|Smints]]. How the Black Dog humps his leg and shits in his duvet every four months; I ''think'' that will bump the Watford walkout.
:'''Malcolm:''' You've gone fucking psycho son, fucking psycho! ''(leaves)'' TWAT!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his mobile)'' Hello.
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, what's the plan?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, they don't have a plan.
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, well perhaps you should give them one.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yes, fantastic, actually, Malc, because obviously I have a very suitable one tattooed on the underside of my scrotum, so why don't we use that –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you're using up all the minutes on my 'talk till you get head cancer' tariff!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Swain:''' What do you think?
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Hmm – To be honest, I was really hoping that was going to be shit, because I'm tired and I'd quite like to hit someone.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you in on this?
:'''Jamie:''' I'm not leaving it to you, eh? You couldn't organise a bum-rape in a barracks.
:'''Malcolm:''' Au contraire.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' What we're having here is a secret conversation, and I'm hoping that this time you can keep the fucking secret, because normally you're about as secure as a hymen in a South London [[wikipedia:Comprehensive_school|comprehensive]].
:'''Terri:''' Yep, well done: that's offensive on a number of levels in a very concise way.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Angela Heaney:''' They've ditched Ballentine.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What? Already?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What the fuck is wrong with these people? I mean, what is this, potential leader speed dating? Right, who ''is'' standing?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' I dunno.  
:'''Adam Kenyon''' ''(to another journalist working on a Ballentine story)'': Well, ditch that for a starter, get rid of her, I can't stand her fucking face.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' You know, I think you should eat something.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Oh right, yeah! Eat something, that'd be right, wouldn't it? You know what, our coverage so far has either been wrong or guesswork, which was wrong. So all we have now is a story-shaped hole!  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Seriously, your blood sugar's low.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Makes you very irritable.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' No, what makes me very irritable, Angela, is having ''no'' fucking stories and having to fill an entire newspaper with just fucking prepositions!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' And obviously if you do think about running with this pills story –
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' I will personally fucking eviscerate you, right?
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right.
:'''Malcolm:''' And I mean, I don't have your education, I don't know what that means, but I will start by ripping your cock off and I'll busk it from there, okay?
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Good, thank you, again.
:'''Malcolm:''' Talk to you later.
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Cheers. Bye bye now. ''(Hangs up. To Angela)'' He's a nice guy.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Terri and Robyn)'' Oh hey, Desperate Housewives, have you found out who's leaking yet?
:'''Glenn:''' I have. It's Julius! He's just told me –
:'''Jamie:''' Wait, no, what – That – Julius?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah.
:'''Jamie:''' ''Nicholson?'' That baldy PUSSY? Well, I tell you, if he thinks he's leaking now, wait to see him when I'm finished with him: he'll look like fucking [[wikipedia:The_Passion_of_the_Christ|Mel Gibson's Jesus]]! FUCK! FUCK, FUCK! FUCK!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Julius:''' Why don't I get something in? A man cannot live on Jaffa Cakes alone, obviously. I've tried.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben)'': I'm just gonna go make some nuisance calls, I'll see you in about half a – Stop fucking blinking! Or I will take your optic nerve and strangle you with it. OK. You look after him, Ollie, OK? He's a very important man. Cock like a caber.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What's the news, just –  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' What?  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Just tell me what the fucking news is and I'll put it on the front page. It's not like we're ''[[wikipedia:The_Independent|The Independent]]'', we can't just stick a headline saying 'Cruelty' and then stick a picture of a dolphin or a whale underneath it. I mean, that's just fucking cheating, that's rubbish.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, what I'm hearing is Ben Swain.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Ben Swain?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, I literally don't know who he is. I'm not being stupid or anything, but I physically don't know who Ben Swain is. He could be the leader of the Special Boat Squadron –   
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Service.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' The [[wikipedia:Special_Boat_Service|Special Boat Service]] or whatever it's fucking called, and this could be a massive coup.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Ben Swain is what I'm hearing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' The good news, however, is that the – well, the Tom wobble, it's over. 
:'''Ben Swain:''' And so the –
:'''Malcolm:''' That's great, isn't it?
:'''Ben Swain:''' Yeah! Why is – So what, he's not wobbling, he's – What does that mean?
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it means that all the rats are now returning to a ''very'' buoyant ship and they're playing deck tennis, so that's lovely, isn't it?
:'''Ben Swain:''' What does that mean for me, then?
:'''Malcolm:''' I guess that means that you're standing in the chamber of the House of Commons with your big flaccid dick hanging out with a 'vote for me' sticker on the end.
:'''Ben Swain:''' But you said I had a chance! About half an hour ago you said I was in with a shot!
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking gi– Look, half an hour ago you ''were'' in with a shot! This is half an hour hence! We've fucking time-travelled, yes? We're in a weird and wonderful world, where everything is different. Maybe outside, the polar ice caps have melted. Maybe there's fucking robots knocking about and [[wikipedia:Davina_McCall|Davina McCall]]'s the new Pope. Maybe, you can download ''rice!'' I want you right now to think about ''your'' future, okay? Think about what you are doing, get yourself back on the train to fucking Tomsville pronto, yeah? ''(walking out)'' Half an hour ago.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' What's that, cricket? That's the English equivalent of sport, isn't it? No actual physical contact, just glaring.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' Nicholson! NICHOLSON! The immigration shit. It was you, wasn't it? You mimsy bastard Quisling leak ''fuck!''
:'''Julius:''' Sorry, what are you talking about?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah yeah yeah, you will be sorry, you inflatable cock. You fucking sold us out, didn't you? DENY IT!
:'''Julius:''' Well, James, I can't deny something until I have the actual charge presented to me –
:'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Julius)'' 'Oh oh oh, the actual charge.' ''(normal voice)'' You mean apart from the charge you're gonna get when I clamp jump leads to your baldy bollocks? Okay, okay, okay! You, Julius Nicholson, being of sound mind, but with a body that looks like a giant sex toy, did knowingly do us up the shithole, by passing confidential information to the enemy! And I am gonna have your guts as a skipping rope, and your lungs sun-dried and turned into a little fucking waistcoat!
:'''Julius:''' James, technically it was not a leak, because firstly it's not confidential infor–
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. Eat that fucking prawn.
:'''Julius:''' I'm not eating prawns, Malcolm, I'm on – I'm just telling you –
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. ''(throws a slice of pizza at Julius)'' Eat a bit of fucking pizza.
:'''Julius:''' Don't be stupid. Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat another prawn. ''(throws a prawn)''
:'''Julius:''' Stop it!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws more food)'' Have some fucking chow mein!
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm –
:'''Jamie:''' Here, stuff it in his fucking head! Stuff it in his big baby head!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie, who has just returned with some cheese)'' Get that fucking cheese over there!
:'''Jamie:''' EAT THE CHEESE!
:'''Julius:''' I don't want the cheese, stop it!
:'''Glenn:''' Go on, have some!
:'''Jamie:''' ''(throwing food at Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE! EAT THE FUC–  
:'''Julius:''' ''(being pelted by Malcolm and Ollie)'' This isn't funny, this is an expensive suit! James, just –   
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck!
:'''Julius:''' What the ''fuck'' are you doing, mate? ''(runs out of the door)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey, right!
:'''Jamie:''' EAT THE FUCKING CHEESE! ''(chasing after Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE, NICHOLSON!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Fucking ''hell!'' Fuck! Jesus. I'm not a joke, okay? All right? Hello? I am a man! I am a man, you know? You know?! This... THIS...! THIS IS MY LIFE! I'M A HUMAN BEING, AND ALL THIS IS MY LIFE! And it's collapsing in front of me! You know, Tom's lot, they're never gonna want me, are they? And fucking Hugh, now he – Jesus Christ, this is all...! ''I AM A MAN!'' And –
:'''Terri:''' I know, listen –
:'''Glenn:''' No you don't –
:'''Terri:''' I do! 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm irrelevant! No no, go away, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant.
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, Glenn, Glenn –
:'''Glenn:''' FUCKING HUGH JUST WANTS TO SPEAK TO [[wikipedia:Teletubbies#Characters|TINKY WINKY]]?! WELL, ''FUCK'' TINKY WINKY! FUCK YOU, TINKY WINKY! [[Auf Wiedersehen, Pet|Auf Wiedersehen Pet]], the party's over, [[wikipedia:Goodbye_Yellow_Brick_Road|Goodbye Yellow Brick Road]]! WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HITLER?! WELL, HE HAD A MOUSTACHE AND HE LIVED OVER THERE! FUCK US ALL!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(receives an alert on his phone)'': Oh, I've been summoned to the breakfast meeting, to talk to Tom about this morning: some details about Claire Ballentine, maybe; Geoff Holhurst; young Benjamin here.
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Fuck you very much, you unscrupulous bastard.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Scruples? Scruples, what are they? Is that those low-fat [[wikipedia:Kettle_Foods|Kettle Chips]]? OK people, wake up and smell the cock! Hey Ben, next time that you wanna stab Caesar, make sure you're not holding a fucking plastic spoon.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The Mail are revealing that Ben Swain was racist to a cleaner)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I've been leaking for 27 years, I know how it's done, I leaked it!  
:'''Ollie:''' You don't leak! Well not from the mouth, anyway.  
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking shut up. At least this is Hugh's Glenn. All that you are, mate, is fucking ''Ben's'' Glenn.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''Guardian Online'', right?  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes.  
:'''Ollie:''' I notice they got Tom to do the questionnaire.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, trying to make himself look more like a human being and less like a calculator with Aspergers? What does he say?  
:'''Ollie:''' 'When were you happiest?' 'At the birth of my son.'  
:'''Glenn:''' Bollocks, he wasn't even at the birth of his son. Actually no, he was in an all-night sitting of the Communications Bill, fast asleep. And his sister-in-law woke him with a text.  
:'''Ollie:''' 'What was the last CD you bought?' 'The Scissor Sisters'. ''(Glenn laughs.)'' And do we believe him? 'Which living person do you most admire?'  
:'''Glenn:''' Er, well that's tough. Nelson Mandela?  
:'''Ollie:''' Correct! I think you just press F5 for that one, to be absolutely honest with you. 'How do you relax?' 'Cannabis and wanking'?  
:'''Glenn:''' He hasn't.  
:'''Ollie:''' No of course he hasn't, you idiot, 'Listening to opera'.  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, right.  
:'''Ollie:''' While wanking.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Why tonight of all ''fucking nights'', why tonight?  
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' Oh well, that's easy: Tucker's Law. 'If some cunt ''can'' fuck something up, that cunt will pick the worst possible time to fucking fuck up because that cunt's a cunt.' I've got that embroidered on a tea towel at home.

=== Opposition Extra ===
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Peter, hi, it's Emma. Now listen, Stewart says this really ''is'' the strategy.
:'''Peter Mannion:''' We're supposed to be the opposition, for Christ's sake. In the old days, we wouldn't have been weeping over his grave, we'd have been pissing on it.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' If we start point-scoring now, we're just going to look like opportunist weasels.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Well, weasily done.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Sorry?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' It's weasily done.  
:'''Phil Smith:''' It's a joke.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' That was a joke?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Tell Stewart I'm not doing it. Tell him bollocks to it, tell him to fuck off.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Tell Stewart to f– Now, Peter, that's not really a very good idea, is it? He's not going to like it if you tell him to fuck off, is he?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Not actually. Yeah, not actually fuck off, just make an excuse, pretty it up, but when you do tell him, make sure that he knows, reading between the lines, that I told you to tell him to fuck off, but you're prettying it up.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Peter Mannion:''' I was supposed to be making an announcement this morning on the failures in the immigration system, making a big speech!  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah, Peter, we were there; you know, I mean, you were giving your recipe for spag bol, and then [[wikipedia:Gordon_Ramsay|Gordon Ramsay]] walks in and takes us all out for peacock and chips.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma Messinger''' ''(arriving at Peter's house)'': Peter! Peter? Hi, it's Emma. ''(whispers)'' Oh sorry, you're on the phone, sorry.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Oh hi, Emma! I thought it was Kate Winslet, she generally pops round about now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart Pearson''' ''(on the phone)'': Peter, we need you to go on [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|News 24]], like Phil asked, and to say nice things about the PM.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' If I'm praising the PM, can I at least have a go at Tom and the Nutters? Can I at least subtly suggest they're waving in a man who pulls himself off by reading European tax law amendments?  
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' No way! No way, we do not slag off Tom, we want Tom in. Tom is our big fat, socially dysfunctional, swing-voter repellent, golden weirdo ticket.
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Surely you can understand how this will work in our favour, Peter? I mean, they're going to elect a man who can count his friends on the fingers of, like, of my father's right hand!  
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' Dan Miller is thinking of standing, that's what I'm hearing. Yeah, oh sorry, just a minute, just a min– ''(to a colleague outside his office)'' Mark! Mark! When I say I want you to cc JB on everything to do with these interviews, I do mean everything, not just the things that ''you'' think are important. I'm an extraordinarily precise man, Mark, that's why my wife left me. ''(back on the phone)'' JB doesn't want Dan Miller, he's too young and he's too witty, whereas Tom looks 92 and he's about as funny as [[wikipedia:Norman_Wisdom|Norman Wisdom]]. We slag Tom off once he's elected, but not now, hm?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(watching TV in their flat)''  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Phil, switch over, we haven't looked at News 24 for a bit.  
:'''Phil Smith:''' No, it would just be the Ten Glorious Years package in permanent orbit. Is it just me, or does [[wikipedia:Noel_Gallagher|Noel Gallagher]] getting older look like one of those Evolution of Man wall charts in reverse?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ollie''' ''(answers his mobile)'': Morning.  
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, have you seen the ''Mail''?  
:'''Ollie:''' Erm, no I haven't, I'm under 40 and I have a penis, why?  
:'''Emma:''' They've got a big graphic on the night's winners and losers. Yeah, it's not a great picture of you.  
:'''Ollie:''' What? Me – What, I'm in it?  
:'''Emma:''' You look very very pasty and about nine, so –  
:'''Ollie:''' Am I a winner or a loser?  
:'''Emma:''' You are a loser!  
:'''Ollie:''' I'm a loser? For fuck's sake – ''(Emma is listening to the radio)'' God, is that Ben on ''[[wikipedia:Today_(BBC_Radio_4)|Today]]'' in the background? You can even hear him blinking on the radio. This is absolute bollocks, I'm not supposed to be in the paper, Em, I'm just, you know – It's not me who's supposed to be in the paper, is it? It's fucking ridiculous.
:'''Emma:''' Oh come on, it's only the ''Mail'', don't worry about it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, I know it's the ''Daily Mail'', but you know – my mum gets the ''Mail''.

== Series 3, Episode 1 ==
:''(It's Cabinet Reshuffle Day in the British Government, and Malcolm Tucker has got his finger on the trigger.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ed! Get Tom Rudd in. Now. We're offering him Northern Ireland, the lucky sod. 
:'''Ed:''' I think he's expecting to be offered Transport. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, tell him he's taking the bus to George Best airport, right? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' He’s making Paul Remington a Cabinet Minister. Remtard Remington. I mean the guy is an epic fuck-up. He’s so dense that light bends around him. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': Come on people, let’s get going here! I’ve got a to-do list that’s longer than a fucking [[w:Leonard Cohen|Leonard Cohen]] song! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Ollie Reeder and Terri Coverley are discussing the Cabinet reshuffle at DoSAC.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his computer)'' Remtard at Energy and Climate Change. 
:'''Terri:''' Really? I'm not getting that. ''(Terri looks at her computer.)'' It's not on here. How did you get that about Remington? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(slightly annoyed)'' Refresh the page. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah. Ah, yeah. Oh look, Fatty's staying put! They're not moving Fatty! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, that's 'cause they haven’t got five big blokes and a winch.
:'''Terri:''' They couldn't really demote Fatty, 'cause he knows too much. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well he doesn't know where the [[w:Ryvita|Ryvita]] is kept, does he?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is on the phone once more, talking to a colleague about how busy he is.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got this -- this-this reshuffle going on, the Leamington Spa by-election coming up, I've got more on my plate than a spinster at a wedding. That wasn't a reference to your daughter by the way, Andrew. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Hugh Abbot has lost his place in the reshuffle.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Well. That's Hugh gone, then. 
:'''Terri:''' It's so sad, isn't it? Hugh. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' You don't give a ''shit''! 
:''(beat)''
:'''Terri:''' ...No, well, perhaps I don't. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Ollie:''' Northern Ireland office, Tom Rudd. Who's Tom Rudd? Tom Rudd? 
:'''Terri:''' Isn't he in ''Harry Potter''? 
:'''Glenn:''' Tom Rudd is army slang for standing-up buggery. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(calling out to Doug Hayes)'' Doug! Doug! Dougie! Look at you, cock like [[wikipedia:Pink_Panther_(character)|the Pink Panther's]] tail. Come have a Kit Kat. 
:'''Doug Hayes:''' I'm afraid I turned it down, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know ninety percent of household dust is made of dead human skin? That's what you are. To me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is back on the phone with Andrew -- AND, of course, Malcolm accidentally insults Andrew's daughter.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Doug Hayes is a massive abortion. Again, not a reference to your daughter. We need somebody to plug this DoSAC hole. Anybody. A fucking mammal with a head. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' Have you two finished emptying your desks yet? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(agitated)'' Yes, don't worry, Terri, we're all ready to go. 
:'''Terri:''' I'm just trying to get everything organised for whenever whoever arrives. They are gonna have their own people. It's gonna be very embarrassing if your hand cream's still in the drawer. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''Hand cream?'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, whatever men have. I don't know, electric nose-hair trimmers, Ex-Lax...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(mocking Glenn)'' Aww, look at Glenn. Your face...On the scrapheap at the tender age of 76? It's no life for you, is it, Glenn, this? Hey, do you want me to call Dignitas? ''(beat)'' I could call Indignitas. They could come round and shove you out of the window dressed as a clown. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone again)'' Get me, um, Nicola Murray. Yeah. If she says &quot;no&quot;, well, I don't know, the only other candidate is my left bollock with a fucking smiley face drawn on it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Terri announces and introduces the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce the new Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship, Nicola Murray. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Nicola Murray is the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. As she heads into her new office, she gets a cell phone call from her husband, James.)'' 
:'''Nicola Murray:''' ''(on the phone to her husband.)'' Um...Yes, I know. They just -- they frog-marched me into it. ''(beat)'' I didn't know. I had no idea. ''(beat)'' James, be fair! I did -- I-I left seven fucking messages for you. Your secretary or whoever is useless. I don't think the school thing's gonna be a problem. It's not gonna be a problem 'cause they'll have vetted me at Number 10. And obviously nobody has soiled themselves or shot me. Great, well, I'll take your warm congratulations as implied. ''(Nicola hangs up her phone.)'' Fucking arsehole. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Terri checks to see if Nicola's alright.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' You all right? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yes, it's all a bit crazy. No, it just feels like my head's made entirely of smoke alarms. ''(laughing)'' At the moment, it's all a bit ''OOH...'' ''(Nicola mimes an explosion.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well, it was a bit of a shock for us all, you know. 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm sure. 
:'''Terri:''' In a good way, in a good way. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good. 
:'''Terri:''' Well, like twins or a tax rebate. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Nicola calls both Glenn and Ollie into her office to discuss her policy as the new head of DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' My primary focus is social mobility, that's very much my -- my Big Thing. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. 
:'''Nicola:''' And I suppose I'm telling you that, really, partly to get your take on it and also so that you can, you know, start spreading the news and printing the posters and, uh, you know, fire up the turbo chargers, set the phases to equality: It's Murray time!  
:'''Glenn:''' The thing is – and Ollie, please correct me here if I'm wrong.  
:'''Ollie:''' I will certainly do that.  
:'''Glenn:''' Social mobility, making people richer, costs money.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, and we don't have any of that, really.  
:'''Nicola:''' Right.  
:'''Ollie:''' I mean, if you speak to Nick at the Treasury he will tell you the same, only with his annoying lisp.  
:'''Nicola:''' What you're telling me is that basically I'm gonna be a woman with a computer and some pens. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, it's just a pen budget.  
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, I have about as much ''real'' power as [[wikipedia:The_Apprentice_(UK_TV_series)#The_Board|those twats who sit either side]] of [[Alan Sugar]].  
:'''Ollie:''' Well – Yes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Ollie are in Nicola's office, trying to give her tips on how to deal with Malcolm. But before they can do so...Malcolm walks in.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the office)'' Is this the No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency? 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm Tucker! The real deal. Hello. 
:''(Malcolm and Nicola shake hands.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola, smiling)'' The real deal. Good to see you. You're looking great! ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' All right, Hinge and Bracket, time to go and hang up your lady-cocks. 
:''(Glenn and Ollie leave, and Malcolm continues his conversation with Nicola.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola Murray! Here you are, Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yep, I now have one of the longest job titles in Western politics. Thank God I don't have to wear a lapel badge. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a pity that we couldn't just make an abbreviation of it, you know, like PFI. Which I think stands for Pretty Fucking Imbarrassing. If you're a bit sloppy about the details, which clearly your fucking husband is. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, look, James works for Albany, fine. He wasn't even working there when the contract was awarded. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(smiling)'' Don't worry, don't worry. That was just me, that was...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(getting the joke)'' Okay, right. Fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(serious again)'' I mean, that's the sort of thing the press will throw at you. I mean, you step out of line, they'll be all over you like a pigeon on a chip, you know? Is that your chair?
:'''Nicola:''' Oh God, yeah. It's cool, isn't it? It's got, um, lumbar support.
:'''Malcolm:''' Bin it. People don't like their politicians to be comfortable. They don't like you having expenses. They don't like you being paid. They'd rather you lived in a fucking cave.
:'''Nicola:''' Ok, fine. So, uh, what should I be sitting on? Should I just get an upturned KFC bucket?
:'''Malcolm:''' A fucking normal chair, right? Not a fucking massive vibrating throne.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri are watching Malcolm's conversation with Nicola outside the office...wondering if Nicola will keep any of them on.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm must be hating this. All these bright, fresh, new ministers to blood in ''and'' to plan a by-election. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' If it's any consolation to you, a little bit of you will always be in this department, because she's nabbed your chair. Hasn't she? She's got your chair, and, in fact, your dandruff. 
:'''Glenn:''' Ha ha ha. If I go, that chair is coming with me. 
:'''Ollie:''' You know those old men you see who go to the park to read the paper? That'll be you. You could go in your chair. They'd make you King of All the Tramps. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, in Nicola's office...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So, uh, you got three kids, yeah? 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, I've got four. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Four! 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Katie's 16, she's the eldest. She's just left school. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Not going to a college or university? 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, she's a bit of a rebel. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(concerned)'' What sort of a rebel? I mean, so, I mean, look, what are we talking here? Are we talking a pierced navel or holidays at Pakistani training camp? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's-it's chiefly heroin. ''(beat)'' Although she has cut down since getting pregnant by that Nigerian people-smuggler, because the track marks would have affected her porn career. 
:''(Terri has awkwardly entered the office. She politely apologizes for the interruption, but feels...a little awkward about the conversation taking place.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry to disturb. Um... ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Morning, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Just wanted to give you a few things here. That's change from the fruit salad. This is this morning's paper. Do excuse me. 
:''(Terri politely leaves the office...and Nicola resumes her chat with Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, I'm surprised that you, uh, haven't vetted me, I thought you'd know about the kids. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's just that 'cause you were just a sort of, you were a bit of a late-ish kind of appointment. 
:'''Nicola:''' Mmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' That didn't quite give me the time to, you know, to &quot;fuck the I'd and fist the T's,&quot; as Robert Robertson might say. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;   
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sounds to me like that she's only bringing in, um, one other person, so...you know, I wonder whether she might keep one of us on permanently. 
:'''Terri:''' Thank God I'm safe. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Je- We ''know'' you're safe, Terri! How do we know you're safe? We know your safe, because you keep using the word &quot;safe,&quot; like bloody [[wikipedia:Jim_Bowen|Jim Bowen]]! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(imitating Jim Bowen presenting [[wikipedia:Bullseye_(British_game_show)|Bullseye)]]'' Yeah, you've got DoSAC, that's safe. Do you want to go for the treasury, young lady? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Nicola are now discussing her kids...including Nicola's 11-year-old daughter, who is starting secondary school in September.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay. Mrs. Walton. What about these other kids? What-what ages are they? 
:'''Nicola:''' They're 11, 9 and 5. 
:'''Malcolm:''' 11?
:'''Nicola:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So that's, uh, secondary school? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, she's, uh, still at primary, state primary. Lovely little school with, um, terrible SATS results, but, you know, really good kind of broad demographic and steel band. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So, she will be going to a secondary school, what, in September? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. So, um...I-I can see where this is going. Um, it's not an issue. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Great! If it's not an issue, I'll just fucking toddle off, then. I'll go and have a nice relaxing wee sleep under my duvet. Probably won't even have to tug myself off, 'cause I'm so fucking relaxed about that. 'Cause I know that there is no fucking issue here. Right? 
:'''Nicola:''' She's not going to the comprehensive, Malcolm. She's going to a local independent school.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus H fucking ''Corbett.'' Do you honestly think, do you honestly believe that as a minister you can get away with that? You are saying that, uh, that, that all your local state schools, ''all'' the schools that this government has drastically improved are knife-addled rape sheds, and that's not a big story? For fuck's sake. Sort it or abort it!  
:'''Nicola:''' Let's get this clear: My family is off limits, all right? This job is not gonna get anywhere near my husband and my kids, it just doesn't.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it fucking does. As per the wee barcode and the serial number under your right armpit, you are now built and owned by the state, and you are under the spotlight 24 hours a day, darling! ''(beat)'' Do you know what you are? You're a fucking human dartboard, and [[wikipedia:Eric_Bristow|Eric fucking Bristow]]'s on the [[wikipedia:Oche|oche]] flinging a million darts made of human shit right at you. Can you take that? Can you?
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, look. You, the &quot;All-Swearing Eye.&quot; You didn't even know how many kids I had! You had to ask me! So who on Earth in the press is gonna even know or care? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you remember ''[[wikipedia:The Big Breakfast|The Big Breakfast]]''? Remember that programme? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(exasperated)'' Yes! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You remember how [[wikipedia:Chris Evans (presenter)|Chris Evans]] started that? Do you remember it was a big success? And then they had that guy, [[wikipedia:Johnny Vaughan|Johnny Vaughan]], remember him?
:'''Nicola:''' Uh-huh. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Everybody loved him. Fuck knows why, but they loved him. Do you know what this is here? This here is fucking Series 10 of ''The Big Breakfast.'' And do you know what you are? You're the fucking dinner lady that they have asked to come and present the show. The reason I didn't know about you and your children is 'cause you were so low down on the list of candidates for this job, I didn't even have the chance to look into you. ''(beat)'' So low. ''(beat)'' Wayyyyy way way way way way way way wayyy...low. 
:''(A brief pause...and then Malcolm starts up again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You are now being scrutinised for what you wear, what you say. For your hair, your shoes, your fucking earrings, your fucking cleavage ''and'' your dress, which, by the way, is ''way'' too loud! 
:'''Nicola:''' TOO LOUD?! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm getting fucking tinnitus here! Look. ''(beat)'' Your crooked husband, I can make go away. But your crooked husband combined with you being worried about your underage daughter coming home up the duff from some truanting bastard, I cannot. She goes to the comp, okay? 
:''(Malcolm finally leaves Nicola's office, allowing Nicola to recover from the Terrible Tucker Tornado.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(relieved)'' Oooh, God...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(At Number 10, Malcolm sees Ed walking down the hall, all stressed out.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, what's wrong with you? You look like you've shat a Lego garage or something. 
:'''Ed:''' Jim Lane's daughter is standing as an independent in Leamington Spa. 
:''(Malcolm and Ed start walking...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(silently, to himself)'' For fuck's sake...fuck. ''(to Ed)'' This is gonna split our vote. 
:'''Ed:''' Do you think we're in trouble? Maybe we should have chosen her over Liam Bentley. 
:'''Malcolm:''' No. She thinks just because her dead fat-arse dad was the MP that gives her the right to be our candidate? No no no. This isn't Czarist Russia. It's not the fucking Dimblebys. 
:'''Ed:''' What do we do? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We send everyone up there, to support Liam Bentley, including the Prime Minister.  
:'''Ed:''' You want to send Tom up there?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, fuck it, he'll be all right as long as he doesn't do the smile. You hit the phones, right? I'll be with you in two shakes of a crying baby.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You have been asked by the PM, specifically, to pop along to Leamington, and do some photo ops with Liam Bentley, supporting him, yeah? 
:'''Nicola:''' I don't really have any choice, do I?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you have a choice. You can decide exactly how you say yes. You can do it with a voice. Have fun with it.  
:'''Nicola:''' ''(Pause)'' Yes. ''(Beat)'' In my own voice.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Well you know what, Howard, she's not bent, either in the sense of being corrupt or being gay. And by the way, that's an incredibly homophobic headline, you massive poof. ''(enters Nicola's office)'' You've got egg on your face, Howard, you over-easy pissbag. ''(hangs up. To Terri, Ollie and Glenn)'' Oh hey, [[Yoko Ono]] and the two remaining Beatles, piss off.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola suspects that Malcolm set up the 'I am bent' photos)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. Sorry, can we just carry on talking about that thing? Was it you who positioned me there?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(waiting for a lift)'' Do you know what the first sign of madness is? Paranoia. Have you seen that film, you know, ''[[A Beautiful Mind (film)|A Beautiful Mind]]'', the one with that, er, [[Russell Crowe]]? The one where [[wikipedia:John_Forbes_Nash_Jr.|the maths guy]] thinks that the CIA are working away in his shed at the bottom of his garden? That's you.  
:'''Nicola:''' No. I'm not the mad one here. ''You'' are the mad one, you're Russell Crowe.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, ''you'' are Russell Crowe. ''(waves patronisingly at her)'' And you need to fucking listen to me, Russell, you fucking Antipodean fucking kangaroo-loving fruitcake! See this poster stuff? That's fucking small fry. That's fucking whitebait, Russ me old [[wiktionary:cobber#English|cobber]]. ''(enters the lift)'' The really horrible stuff, that's all still about to happen to you, right? Right, you're coming in here so we can carry this on?  
:'''Nicola:''' What, now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Err, if you can spare the time!  
:'''Nicola:''' Err, no. ''(Pause)'' No, I can't – I don't use lifts, I'm claustrophobic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(incredulous)'' You're ''what?''  
:'''Nicola:''' Not hugely, I can be in rooms, you've seen that, I just don't do lifts, that's all.  
:'''Malcolm:''' But this lift is – I mean, it's fucking huge! I mean, this is bigger than some rooms, this is bigger than some people's flats! 
:'''Nicola:''' It's about not being able to get out. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well that's great. That's fucking great, that's another fucking thing, right there: not only have you got a fucking bent husband and a fucking daughter that gets taken to school in a fucking sedan chair, you're also fucking ''mental!'' Jesus Christ, see you, you are a fucking ''[[w:omnishambles|omnishambles]]'', that's what you are. You're like that coffee machine, you know: &quot;from bean to cup, you fuck up&quot;.
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to herself, returning to her office)'' He so is Russell Crowe!  
:'''Terri:''' ''(at her desk, overhearing)'' Who?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where the fuck is Doug Hayes?  
:'''Ed:''' Yes, we put in a lot of calls.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, put it a lot more calls: I'm talking 'psycho ex-girlfriend with a really good tariff'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' Because if you are worried about Malcolm, well, you know, Ollie and I have amassed one or two tips, how to deal with him, over the years. It's pretty much common sense, really: don't drive a gas guzzler, don't sign up for [[wikipedia:Bupa|Bupa]], don't have an affair. Don't tell racist jokes, however ironic.  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh!  
:'''Glenn:''' Don't send your children to independent schools.  
:'''Ollie:''' Don't dig up [[Diana, Princess of Wales|Diana]] and have [[Patrick Moore]] play Nazi drinking songs on her ribs.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah I suppose so, he's gonna have to let her go free-range for a week, isn't he? Till after the by-election. Then he can snap her beak off, cram her into the battery cage; Nicola: 'I'm not really good with cages', ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'Get in there Nicola, fucking get in till you're perfectly square, and you're shiteing cuboid eggs!'  
:'''Terri:''' ''(sighing)'' Thank God I'm safe. I'm glued to this department and you'd have to steam me off.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Well you don't have to worry about me: You don't hang around in this business as long as I have without picking up contacts.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but [[Benjamin Disraeli|Disraeli]]'s dead, Glenn, he died in the Crimea, did you not hear the town crier announce it?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' It's never too soon to go to Leamington. It's the Venice of the Midlands, if Venice was fucking horrible.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Have a lovely time in Leamington, yeah? I hear it's got the best [[wikipedia:Lidl|Lidl]] in the West Midlands.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' ''(at the poster launch in Leamington)'' And we need to be investing, er, at least –  
:'''Glenn:''' Invest? Did I hear her say 'invest'?  
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Ollie, she's gone off-piste, she's off the mountain now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus. She's so far off the mountain, she's being finger-banged in a chalet by Bigfoot.

== Series 3, Episode 2 ==
:''(Malcolm and Nicola are talking about a newspaper story calling for Nicola to be &quot;sacked.&quot;)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' You've seen the sack race thing, I suppose. Yeah, there it is. 
:''(Malcolm, of course, thinks the story is funny.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' It's not funny! It's not even accurate, because technically I was fourth. So, really, they should have said, &quot;Fourth in the Sack race.&quot; I think we should complain to the PCC. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, stop worrying: the PM is not going to sack you after a week. Sacked after twelve months, looks like you've fucked up; sacked after a week, looks like ''he's'' fucked up. 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not doing ''terribly'', am I? 
:''(beat)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(looking out of the car window)'' I love the way that they've sandblasted everything around here. It's so ''clean''!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I'd just like people to get to know the real me. You know, I feel like I'm coming across as a bit...Oh, I don't know. Glum. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Smug. 
:'''Nicola:''' Smug? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, you're coming across as more smug than glum. 
:'''Nicola:''' 'Cause I am actually quite a fun person, underneath all of this. I've got loads of friends.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm sure you have, but the trouble is when you say something like that, it sounds a wee bit smug. ''(to Nicola's driver)'' Can you just pull in over here? And you can take out that cyclist as you go in, I think he's [[wikipedia:Shadow_Cabinet|Shadow Cabinet]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' I have here the minutes which are a record and – 
:'''Ollie:''' No no no, you can't just overwrite minutes! You specifically can't do it, 'cause you can't unlock a PDF file.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robyn:''' Do you know, Malcolm? ''(Malcolm stares back, gravely)'' Er, the best way to clear a paper jam? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't know. Kill a kid an hour until it sorts itself out?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola is trying to talk to Malcolm...)''
:'''Nicola:''' So. Malcolm --
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, oh, oh. Incoming body parts. Excuse me. (Malcolm answers his cell phone) Look, if this has got any bigger, you're gonna feel the thump of a fucking harpoon in your thorax. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Does he know? Well, follow him. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (still on his phone) I hope you like shitting toenails, because that's what you're gonna be doing all of next week. And don't worry, I've painted them yellow so they'll look like fucking sweet corn. 
:''(Robyn is trying to secretly follow Malcolm, but backs away when she sees him coming her way)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (on his phone) The guy's a fucking liability! (softly) Jesus Christ. Listen, I want...
:''(Robin makes her way back towards the others, and they have to whisper so Malcolm doesn't hear them talking.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' Look, I couldn't hear everything, he takes very long strides...
:'''Ollie:''' What, are you a fucking penguin? Just run. 
:'''Robyn:''' Look, I'm a civil servant, not a fucking Olympic athlete! 
:''(Malcolm seems to be off his cell phone...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. What's occurring, Hermann Goring? 
:''(But then his cell phone rings. Again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (annoyed) ''WHAT?'' (And then...Malcolm doesn't like what he hears...) You're fucking kidding me. Excuse me. ''(to Nicola and the team)'' Two minutes and I will be back. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(On Nicola's orders, Robyn starts following Malcolm again. She's soon approached by Glenn.)
:'''Glenn:''' Hi, Robyn! Hey, look. Um...You know Phil Davis? Is he a Davies or a Davis? 
:'''Robyn:''' I know you don't like me, Glenn, but you're not sacking me. 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:''(Both Glenn and Robyn are smiling and laughing at each other falsely throughout their conversation...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' (still laughing) I'm protecting you. 
:'''Robyn:''' Okay, well, you know, I've got your back as well. Even though I know you are the guy who authorized the wiping of the back-up. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that may or may not be true. 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, it is true. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, it may or it may not be true. 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, that is true.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(After spending a long time on his cell phone, Malcolm finally makes his way back to Nicola's office to see her and the staff. This time, he's making his entrance by jokingly pretending to be the Big Bad Wolf.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (in a gruff voice) ''Little pigs...Little PIGS...Let me come in. Don't worry about the hair on your chinny-chin-chin.'' (Malcolm's still smiling.) 
:'''Nicola:''' So what was your call? 
:'''Malcolm:''' What was my call? 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You want to know what my call was?  
:'''Nicola:''' Was it important? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry, I didn't realize that I had to run my calls through your bed-wetters' switchboard here. I usually just dial 1-1-Hate. 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm, do you know? 
:'''Ollie:''' Obviously, he knows. 
:'''Glenn:''' No, he ''doesn't'' know. 
:''(Nicola decides to come clean to Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' There has been a massive irretrievable data loss. The last seven months' worth of new immigrant details have gone, apparently lost in the computer. 
:''(Malcolm can't help but smile and chuckle with disbelief...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know what, you know what's really fucking sad here is that I don't even have the energy to pretend I already knew. Which is for the best, because I'm gonna need all of my fucking energy to fucking rip all of your bodies to bits with my bare hands and sell off, ''(sees Nicola gesture to herself)'' yeah, sell off your fucking flayed skin, as a ''sleeping bag! To a fucking normal person!''  
:'''Nicola:''' Can I just say that getting angry actually isn't gonna help anything. I've done anger, I'm currently at grief, I'm working my way towards, er, bargaining, whatever, you know – you're behind me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' So what is your great strategy for dealing with this? Come on: I mean, I'm fucking all ears, I'm fucking [[Andrew Marr]] here!  
:'''Nicola:''' So let's – Terri, let's hear what you –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's go, let's get going, high-level tactical discussion, I'm up for it!  
:'''Terri:''' Right, er, blaming the department minister might be a high-risk strategy.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, high-risk: saucy! Power serve!  
:'''Nicola:''' My pitch would be: this department is fatally flawed, it's out of condition, it's obese, it's asthmatic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That's it girl, back over the net.  
:'''Glenn:''' You need to be really sure about that, Nicola.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, wise words from the distinguished elderly gay fucking tennis coach here.  
:'''Ollie:''' Seriously, I think we should talk about my strategy further because I really think that that's the way.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(interrupting)'': Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the fucking wee ball boy's having a go now with his wee fucking tight shorts on! ''(to Robyn, who has returned with a tray of drinks)'' What about [[wikipedia:Sue_Barker|Sue Barker]]'s little sister here? What's she got to say? You got something to say, to add to the conversation?  
:'''Robyn:''' No, er, just that there was no lemon zinger so, um, ''(to Nicola)'' this is coffee, is that all right?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Do ''The Guardian'' know about this?  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh fuck, I don't – Fucking ''Guardian'', I don't know.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, as it's referred to in my department.  
:'''Terri:''' Should I find out? Get some feelers?  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(looking at Terri's breasts)'': Yeah go on, get your feelers out for the lads.
:'''Nicola:''' What do you think, Malcolm? Shitting on the department, will that work? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, let's cause a little bit of friction. Let's fire someone. What about Glenn? 
:'''Ollie:''' No, you can't just fire Glenn like that! 
:'''Nicola:''' We could fire Glenn. 
:'''Terri:''' Shall I get his file? 
:'''Glenn:''' No! I've got a list! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' See, there you are, he's got a list. 
:''(They're all leaving Nicola's office)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You're a new broom, you're sweeping up trouble with one end, broom-handling incompetent staff up the tunnel with the other. 
:'''Nicola:''' So, Malcolm, how do we play it at ''The Guardian?'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (smiling uncomfortably) Smile! Be gay! Smile, smile, smile! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at Nicola's'' Guardian ''lunch)'': Afternoon, ladies! I heard there were sandwiches and I'm a fucker for cress – No no no, please don't get up, I'm not [[wikipedia:Sildenafil|Viagra]]. Geoffrey. ''(shakes hands)'' 
:'''Geoffrey:''' Always a pleasure.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Good to see you. John, how are you doing? ''(John gets up to shake hands)'' I just want to tell you, I really enjoyed your novel.  
:'''John:''' Oh, thank you very much!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Way of writing a fucking awful story. Joking, joking!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola has accidentally revealed the data loss to an on-the-record journalist.)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' FUCK'S SAKE! Jesus – Christ! Well, now we've got another fucking adjective to add to fucking 'smug' and 'glum', haven't we?! Fucking 'RETARDED'! JESUS Ch– Do you not think it would be germane to ''check'' who you're talking to?! IT'S A FUCKING NEWSPAPER OFFICE! IT'S NOT A FUCKING SANATORIUM FOR THE FUCKING DEAF, IS IT?! ARE YOU ''SO'' DENSE?! Am I gonna have to run around, slapping badges on people, with a big tick on some and a big cross on others, so you know ''when'' to shut your gob and when to open it?! Jesus Christ! Oh, but that'll probably confuse you as well, won't it?! That'll be too confusing! You'd see the cross and go &quot;Oh, fuck! X marks the spot! Better tell this little person all about the Prime Minister's fucking CATASTROPHIC ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!&quot; Oh, but not to worry, not to worry, you've sent fucking Ollie over there to deal with it. ''(Nicola tries to speak)'' FUCKING OLLIE! HE'S A FUCKING- HE'S A FUCKING KNITTED SCARF, THAT TWAT, HE'S A FUCKING BALACLAVA!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' It just seems to me that all we'd be losing if we got rid of Robyn is somebody who makes a weak cup of tea, you know, I don't think we've – ''(mobile rings)'' Shit, Malcolm. ''(answers)'' Hello? 
:'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office)'': Get over here, now. Might be advisable to wear brown trousers, and a shirt the colour of blood. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Nicola:''' Fuck.  
:'''Glenn:''' Has he run off? He does that.  
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, it's all just gone really [[wikipedia:HBO|HBO]].&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola and Terri sit down in Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I just wanted to say to you, by way of introductory remarks, that I'm ''extremely'' miffed about today's events and, in my quest to try and make you understand the level of my, um, unhappiness, I'm likely to use an awful lot of what we would call ''violent sexual imagery'', and I just wanted to check that neither of you would be terribly offended by that. 
:'''Nicola:''' I could actually do without the theatrics, I think, Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Enough. E-fucking-nough. You need to learn to shut your fucking cave, right? Today, you have laid your first big fat egg of solid fuck. You took the data loss media strategy, and you ate it with a lump of ''[[w:Escherichia coli|E. coli]]''. And then you sprayed it our of your arse at 300 miles per hour.
:'''Nicola:''' I simply made a mistake, Malcolm – 
:'''Malcolm:''' You got [[wikipedia:Source_(journalism)#&quot;Speaking_terms&quot;|'on the record' and 'off the record']] fucking mixed up! What would have happened if, like, [[wikipedia:George_Martin|George Martin]] had done that? We'd have no fucking Beatles, that's what. Now, I don't give a fuck about that: I've had to fucking sit next to [[wikipedia:Paul McCartney|Paul McCartney]] at fucking [[wikipedia:Chequers|Chequers]]!  
:'''Nicola:''' The data loss wasn't my fault.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fine, yeah, but I tell you what, it came out fucking pretty fast once you were in there, didn't it? Which makes me wonder, should I just go and talk to the boss? Should I go and tell him, &quot;I don't think she's up to the job&quot;?  
:'''Nicola:''' You said yourself that if he sacks me after a week it looks like ''he's'' fucked up.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but that was before, when your only problem was a fucking shit pun in a newspaper, and a face like[[w: Dot Cotton | Dot Cotton]] licking piss off a nettle!
:'''Nicola:''' ''Okay'', I messed up, right? I messed up! But I will from now on listen to every bit of advice you give me. Yeah, I'll go on ''Question Time'' wearing a push-up bra and a fez. Yeah, I'll do the hustings on stilts if that is what you tell me the strategy is. Because you know about that stuff, Malcolm. I know that. It's just that I've got things I want to do, all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you do, like Montessori fucking rocking horses, I suppose. 
:'''Nicola:''' No, no. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''The Mail'' have the motherlode on this, right? So that means that there is a way through this for us, but it entails you, my dear, eating a complete concrete mixer full of humble pie. 
:''(Terri speaks for the first time in the meeting)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(with pen and diary ready)'' Right, what's the strategy?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(dramatic growl)'' The [[wikipedia:Kraken|Kraken]] awakes!  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, it's just that, I mean, this is the first bit of the meeting that hasn't been about expletives and fezzes and stilts and [[wikipedia:Teabagging|teabagging]], I mean, this is the bit that relates to media management.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I didn't say anything about teabagging. Do you even know what teabagging is?  
:'''Terri:''' Not really, no; er, I'm told it's unpleasant.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' I don't know where 'smug' comes from, I mean, I've aged ten years in the past week: I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and I thought, 'Fuck me, it's a [[wikipedia:Pantomime_dame|pantomime dame]]'. So an informal off-the-record lunch meet at ''The Guardian'': apparently it's a sort of shoot-the-breeze, you know, 'Have you seen the latest [[Mad Men|''Mad Men'']]? Isn't [[wikipedia:Andrew_Neil|Andrew Neil]] a jerk?' sort of thing.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''The Guardian''? Don't tell them any fucking anecdotes about your children, or they'll offer you a fucking column.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' Right, when I came into this department I thought, 'OK. Let's turn a fresh page.' So I turned a fresh page, and you collectively have drawn a ''gigantic fucking cock'' on it!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn''' ''(to Robyn)'': Part of the strategy is to warn us when Malcolm is coming back, so it's your job to block the path. You're [[wikipedia:The_300_Spartans|the Spartans]] at [[wikipedia:Battle_of_Thermopylae|Thermopylae]]. You're [[wikipedia:Richard_Egan_(actor)|Richard Egan]] with an oily chest.  
:''(later, in Nicola's office)''  
:'''Ollie:''' One possible strategy might be not to tell anybody.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, we keep it a secret?  
:'''Robyn''' ''(running in)'': Sorry, sorry. Malcolm's coming. Sorry.  
:'''Glenn:''' What? You were meant to be delaying him, you're supposed to be the Spartans!  
:'''Robyn:''' Well I couldn't really remember what the Spartans did, I'm not as old as you, Glenn!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Marianne Swift:''' Data, exactly, I heard what you said about your data loss.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Did you say that?  
:'''Nicola:''' No, er, well I don't remem– I don't recognise those words, and I don't recognise you!  
:'''Marianne Swift:''' What?  
:'''Malcolm:''' So you see, the Minister may just have misspoke. But what she said was just words, right, not real statements. You know, that's like – you know, if there was a blast of wind over a harp, and it hit the strings, this wind, and it made the harp accidentally say, 'I'm a cat fucker', would that mean that that harp was actually a cat fucker, in real life, in reality? In the world we live in?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, that's a really good question, yeah.

== Series 3, Episode 3 ==

:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' We need to persuade Matt Delaney not to [[wikipedia:Crossing_the_floor#Changing_parties|cross the floor]]. I think we should use the [[wikipedia:Carrot_and_stick|carrot-and-stick]] approach, yeah. You take a carrot, you stick it up his fucking arse, followed by the stick, followed by an even bigger, rougher carrot.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Ollie arrive at Glenn's hotel room, where Glenn has already arrived and waiting for them.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Ah, you got past mad conference security, then? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's bonkers, isn't it? It's like trying to get through Israeli customs wearing a T-shirt saying, &quot;I heart bombing Israel.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' I know. I mean, I had to wait for an hour and they practically gave me a cavity search. 
:'''Ollie:''' Aw, only practically? The sense of disappointment in your voice is almost palpable.
:''(Nicola notices the size of Glenn's room)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, your bed's bigger than mine. In fact, your whole room's bigger than mine. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(feeling awkward)'' Well, um...Do you want it? 
:'''Ollie:''' &quot;Mr. Lova Lova,&quot; full marks for foreplay there, Glenn, straight in. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(reassuring Glenn)'' Do I want your room? No, honestly. I just thought they'd all be the same, sort of vanilla and monotonous. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Did you ask them for your special tiny kettle? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' It's an electric thimble. 
:'''Ollie:''' Maybe the room only looks bigger because Glenn's kettle is so tiny! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(John Duggan, a press officer at the conference, arrives at Nicola's room to introduce himself to Nicola and her team.)''
:'''John Duggan:''' Howdy Doody, Minister. I'm John Duggan, your press officer at the conference. 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, hello. Nicola Murray, hi. 
:'''John:''' How was your holiday?
:'''Nicola:''' Ah, well, you know, we wanted to go to Florida but Malcolm 'suggested' we went to [[wikipedia:Suffolk|Suffolk]], and so the kids were miserable, weather was miserable, and Malcolm rang and shouted at me for looking miserable.
:'''John:''' I saw the photo of you, in the wellies next to the horse. 'Why the long face?' It was funny. ''(Nicola looks up, unimpressed)'' Or not, depending on your perspective. Still, things are looking up: you're in [[wikipedia:Eastbourne|Eastbourne]] now, which really is the jewel in the crown of our shit seaside resorts. [[wikipedia:Clacton-on-Sea|Clacton]] of the South West, they call it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is trying to get John to push through the press a story about Peter Mannion taking a second holiday, which would put Peter in a negative light.)''
:'''Nicola:''' John, are you across this thing about, um, Peter Mannion lining up a second holiday? 
:'''John:''' Um, Mannion, right, yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Peter Mannion, my opposite number, you know? 
:'''John:''' Yes. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, good. So you're going to push that for the press for me, yeah? 'Cause I just want to remind people that while he's criticizing us over the recession, he's, you know, swanning around on his friend's massive yacht. 
:'''John:''' Oh, okay. &quot;He's gay.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck...
:'''Ollie:''' No, not gay. 
:'''Nicola:''' It's a hypocrisy thing. 
:'''John:''' (stammering) Yeah, well, I mean, in-in-in in principle, yeah. But it-it it is conference, so my to-do list is longer than a big willy. 
:'''Nicola:''' John, without wishing to sound blunt...Um, actually, you know what? Fuck it, let's sound blunt. ''(bluntly)'' It is your job. 
:'''John:''' I'll do what I can. That is a Duggan promise. 
:''(John leaves the room.)''
:'''Nicola:''' He's not gonna do it, is he?
:'''Glenn:''' Absolutely fucking useless. 
:'''Nicola:''' He's completely not gonna do it. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(John returns just as the group is discussing Julie Price, Nicola's &quot;People's Champion.&quot;)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to John)'' Glenn says that she's changed her Facebook status to 'single and up for it', ''(John starts laughing)'' which I believe is actually why Glenn brought her here in the first place.
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, John: There's an outside chance that she may just prefer to meet a human being, so I'm gonna come down with you.
:'''Ollie:''' Good idea, you can buy her a coffee, can't you – you could maybe buy her a Collapsuccino.  
:'''John:''' ''(laughing)'' Might bring back memories of her latte husband. As in late husband. We're like [[wikipedia:Dick_and_Dom|Dick and Dom]], aren't we? Great chemistry.
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Except neither one of [[wikipedia:Dick_(slang)|you]] are Doms.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is in the bathroom -- on her cell phone, though. She's having a chat with Terri, who's driving her car while talking to Nicola.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, hi, it's me.
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, happily)'' Hi, Nicola! 
:'''Nicola:''' Have you read up about this Peter Mannion second holiday thing on the Dig Deep blog?
:'''Terri:''' No, no, I haven't actually seen that. Where's he off to? 
:'''Nicola:''' Amalfi. So could you make a few phone calls? See if you can get it some press traction? 
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry, I just can't do that. That's a party political matter. You're gonna have to get John Duggan onto that, 'cause it's his responsibility. 
:'''Nicola:''' Trouble is, Terri, that the only thing John Duggan is doing here is depriving a village somewhere of a twat. 
:'''Terri:''' Ah, yes, I've heard he's about as useless as a chocolate teapot. Although I probably shouldn't say that, sounds a bit racist, doesn't it? 
:'''Nicola:''' Where are you, Terri? 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm ju-just on the way down to Hastings to see my sister. Poor thing, having some trouble shifting a piano. So what I'm doing is I'm working from home today. 
:'''Nicola:''' No, you're not working and you're not at home, so as my 16-year old would say, &quot;You are totally busted.&quot; 
:''(And make no mistake -- Terri is totally busted! She exhales, knowing Nicola has caught her in a lie.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Nicola and Ollie are working on her upcoming speech.)''
:'''Nicola:''' OK, right, what have we got on the workplace gym reward scheme?
:'''Ollie:''' Er, fighting obesity is one of the biggest challenges we face, sleepwalking into a crisis, ticking time bomb –
:'''Nicola:''' You write almost entirely in generic meaningless buzzwords, don't you?
:'''Ollie:''' I could take it more street, if you prefer – 'You is all proper bloaters and it is well gay, biatch' – but, you know, this is the language –
:'''Nicola:''' No, but, you know – I just don't want to come across all [[wikipedia:Nanny_state|nanny-state]] and sort of – 'Death by Chocolate is not a funny name for a pudding, it's a real and genuine concern', you know, I don't want to give the press another opportunity to see me as Mrs. Sour Power Vinegar Tits sucking on a lemon.
:'''Ollie:''' Fine, I understand, so we'll sugar-coat it.
:'''Nicola:''' Well, leaven it, ideally, with a couple of jokes.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, all right, no problemo. ''(beat)'' Now, jokes now?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah!
:'''Ollie:''' OK, how about: 'We want people to be fit, not fit to burst'?
:'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna have to go down the slapstick route, aren't I? Do the speech straight, but dressed as Freddie Starr's Hitler.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In this scene, Ollie has introduced Malcolm to Julie Price, the &quot;People's Champion&quot; that Nicola is announcing in her speech. Malcolm is genuinely warm and empathetic towards Julie.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Julie Price...I'm so sorry for your loss. Hey, you're being looked after well enough, yeah? 
:'''Julie Price:''' Yeah, not bad. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You stick with Ollie. He's...yeah, he's a good guy. I know he looks a bit like an anorexic [[wikipedia:Leo Sayer|Leo Sayer]] there. Listen, could I have a photograph taken with you? 
:'''Julie:''' Who, me? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I've got a little correction of memories, you know. [[Nelson Mandela|Mandela]] and stuff. ''(to Ollie)'' Ollie, would you be so kind as to do the honor, good sir? 
:''(Ollie takes a picture of Malcolm and Julie together.)''
:'''Julie:''' ''(to Malcolm, happily)'' You're a stunner, ye. 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, you're a stunner. You really are. Very impressive. You know, I'm not the only one who finds you impressive. The PM...he finds you very impressive. 
:'''Julie:''' That's good. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, great. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I think that there is a point in his speech today...
:'''Julie:''' Mmm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ...where he would be very honored to introduce you. Is that something that would interest you? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, it might clash, though, with, uh, with Nicola's championing of Julie's cause. 
:'''Julie:''' Oh, God. Look, the nerves are getting to us. I need to use your bog. 
:''(Poor Julie has to go to the bathroom...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, that's the ladies there. 
:''(Ollie doesn't like what Malcolm's doing.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you can't...You can't do that. She's our bonus track. She's our DVD Easter egg. We need her for the speech. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Boo-fucking-hoo. Can do and have done. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but that...What, in two hours, two hours, think of a whole new speech? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, welcome to the Men's Room! Jesus Christ, listen. It's this simple, right? If she goes on with Nicola, she'll be watched by 15 housebound mouth-breathers. Oh, and by the ever-swelling ranks of the unemployed, who fucking hate us, by the way. But if she goes on with Tom, she'll make the 10 o'clock news, right? 
:''(Julie has finally returned, AND...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Julie, hi. Feel better? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah, good. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Now what's it gonna be, Julie darling? Do you want to go with the teas maid...or with the caravan? 
:'''Julie:''' ''(excited)'' I'm going with the caravan. That is the Prime Minister? 
:'''Malcolm:''' That is the Prime Minister, yes. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, Ollie. It's nice to meet you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Julie, this way, come on. Are you actually in the hotel, or are you staying...
:''(As Malcolm and Julie leave together, Ollie runs back to Glenn's room to alert Glenn and Nicola of the bad news.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Glenn are in her room trying to write her speech...)''
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;So, joking aside...&quot; Of course, we haven't fucking got those yet. 
:'''Nicola:''' I know. 
:'''Glenn:''' Whatever they are, right...
:''(When all of a sudden, Ollie re-enters the room.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(anxious as hell)'' Right, right. 
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;It's now my great pleasure -- &quot; ''(to Ollie)'' We're just doing the...
:'''Ollie:''' No no no, listen. Um -- listen! 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' You know when something, well, something bad, but you know when something bad happens and you think it's not as bad as...
:'''Nicola:''' What's happened? 
:'''Glenn:''' Where's Julie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's commandeered Julie for the PM's speech. We bumped into each other and he...
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean he's ''commandeered'' her? You're supposed to be looking after her, for fuck's sake! 
:'''Nicola:''' No, no, no, no, no, he hasn't. No. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We can't even fucking trust you to babysit! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''Malcolm'' took her...
:'''Glenn:''' Just say no! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(getting defensive)'' You don't just say no! 
:'''Glenn:''' What part of &quot;no&quot; don't you understand? 
:'''Ollie:''' Babysitting isn't a fucking...
:''(Nicola starts pounding and stomping on a pillow -- pretending that the pillow is Malcolm!)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''MALCOLM! FUCKING -- FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM!''
:'''Ollie:''' Well, um, that was my, uh, initial reaction as well. 
:'''Glenn:''' Deep breath, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yes, yes I know. Thank you, thank you, FUCK OFF! Thank you! 
:'''Glenn:''' Right, yes. What do you want us to do? 
:''(Nicola pushes Glenn and Ollie out of the way and runs to the bathroom.) 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Do you want your Rescue Remedy? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, fuck off! ''(Nicola takes a few deep breaths...)'' Get me some ketamine. I want to separate my mind from my body. 
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus Christ, poor Nicola. I'm going to go and talk to the bastard. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' Take some reasonable...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn, sarcastically)'' Yeah, that's right, rip your shirt off! Go on, Braveheart! FREEDOM! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, just casually mention to Alan Dunn and, er, Lindsay Anorexi at the Mail, that the PM has brought Julie Price to the conference.
:'''John:''' That's not strictly true, though, is it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well ''[[wikipedia:Strictly Come Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]'' isn't strictly dancing, is it? They also have a bit at the beginning where [[wikipedia:Bruce_Forsyth|an old man]] ''dribbles''. So what?
:'''John:''' Well, I didn't really follow that. Um, my point is...
:''(Malcolm sees Glenn coming his way...and Glenn's pretty darn mad now.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, Glenn, right. Okay, mate, look, I can see that you're a tad peeved. 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm not having it. You've gone too far. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, get a grip, Glenn. I didn't fucking come in your mouth. 
:''(John starts laughing)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to John, angrily)'' Are you in on this? 
:'''John:''' Oh, God, no, no, no. I'm just obeying orders, you know, like a Nazi guard. (John jokingly gives the Nazi salute.) Only in a non-gassy way. :''(to Julie)'' You're not Jewish, are you? 
:'''Julie:''' No. 
:'''John:''' ''(relieved)'' Oh, good. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Can you just take her? 
:'''John:''' Oh, yeah, uh... ''(to Julie)'' Why don't you go in here? There's some important people and biscuits in there. Have a coffee. Didn't mean to bring back bad memories. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(confused)'' What are you on about? 
:'''John:''' Your husband dying in a café. 
:''(While John takes Julie into the room, Malcolm and Glenn continue their argument.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' You can't just take her! That's people trafficking! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Am I being threatened by [[wikipedia:Harold Bishop|Harold fucking Bishop]]? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, Malcolm...
:''(John comes back into the hallway to try and make peace...)'' 
:'''John:''' Okay, guys, can we just...
:''(But then, Malcolm sees Ollie coming to join the shenanigans.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, shit, wow, here's the beige fucking Power Ranger now. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and we're taking her back! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do not make this a disciplinary issue. Do you hear me, soldier? 
:'''Glenn:''' I found her! I fucking found her! 
:'''Malcolm:''' She was on the fucking news! Get this guy out of here! 
:''(NOW, tempers are flaring!)'' 
:'''John:''' Can we get a bit more sane about this, please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is not a fucking discussion. 
:'''John:''' Right, nobody argue. 
:'''Glenn:''' I am going to go in there and I am going to take her! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You will fucking not! 
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck off! Fuck -- 
:''(And then -- Malcolm punches Glenn in the NOSE! Ollie catches Glenn's fall.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Jesus Christ! 
:'''John:''' Oh my God...
:'''Malcolm:''' You've hurt yourself. 
:'''John:''' I've got so much on, as it is. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' You hit me! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I did not hit you! I went to hit the fucking wall and pulled my fist back and hit you in the fucking face instead! 
:'''Glenn:''' I think you've broken my nose! 
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no, that's just a scratch, mate! 
:'''John:''' Noses can't break, anyway. That's a myth. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to John)'' What the fuck are you talking about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, look, just lean forward. You know, you want the blood to flow out of your nose, not down your throat like a fucking gurgling drain. 
:'''Glenn:''' Don't touch me! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(feeling sorry for Glenn)'' Look at him. 
:'''Glenn:''' Have you got a hanky? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' You go look after Julie, right? ''(to John)'' John, let's get Glenn back to his room. 
:'''John:''' Okay, yeah. 
:''(Malcolm's now looking around for possible witnesses)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Nobody saw that, did they? 
:'''John:''' No, it's like when a fight starts, you're just like, &quot;Fight, fight, fight!&quot; 
:''(Ollie and Julie are coming near)'' 
:'''Julie:''' All right? All right? 
:'''Ollie:''' If we can just get...
:''(Julie notices that Glenn's holding his nose.)'' 
:'''Julie:''' Is he okay? 
:''(The guys are pretending Glenn's OK.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' He's fine, he's fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's just got a nosebleed. 
:''(Ollie and Julie leave peacefully, BUT...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Say, you...
:'''John:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' If you breathe a word of this, right? 
:'''John:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen to me, Richard fucking Stilgoe, you fucking jazzy bastard! 
:'''John:''' I am listening. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Help me here! Let's get fucking Noses Supposes back to his fuck...
:''(But Glenn is GONE!)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where is he? 
:'''John:''' I don't know. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ! Come on! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I think you should leave.
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, do you?
:'''Nicola:''' Yes! ''(beat)'' What, are you gonna hit me?
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't fucking hit women.
:'''Ollie:''' Except Glenn, obviously.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Just you fucking leave Glenn out of this Glenn's been through enough as it is. ''(to Glenn, who is in the bathroom)'' Listen mate, I'm really – I'm really sorry, right, I'm really sorry about what happened in the heat of the fucking moment, yeah? I'm under a lot of pressure right now, I'm trying to plug a lot of leaks out there; I had my [[wikipedia:Hans_Brinker,_or_The_Silver_Skates#Popular_culture:_the_legend_of_the_boy_and_the_dike|finger in the dyke]], but the dyke's very very squirty.
:'''Ollie:''' Is it Fat Pat? I've heard that she's, er –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Now that you've lost [[wikipedia:Geordie|Geordie]] Julie, the merry fucking widow, you've got a hole in your speech. Right, so have we got a contingency for that?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, we'll figure it out, thank you.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well look, why don't I help you? Let's roll some tits up the flagpole, and see if anyone gets wood!
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Christ, it's like being trapped in a fucking boys' toilet. Right, all we've got is Mannion's second holiday, we need to take the piss out of that.
:'''Ollie:''' OK, how about, er, &quot;He's called Peter 'Two Holidays' Mannion&quot;?
:'''Malcolm:''' Glenn.
:'''Glenn:''' Erm, 'He's, erm – works really hard – at planning his holidays'?
:'''Malcolm:''' That's really fucking quality fucking explosive sarcasm you're lobbing at them, mate. Boom. 
:'''Glenn:''' I feel I'm in a therapy group being run by my own rapist. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, okay, well, how about...
:''(Suddenly, everybody's cell phones are ringing...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh my God...it's got out. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, really? I thought it was room service cold-calling. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Who the fuck is leaking this out there? ''(to Ollie)'' Find out who's pissing this over the wall. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, w-well, the thing about the Internet, Malcolm, is it's quite big...
:'''Malcolm:''' IT'S ON ROB HOLT'S BLOG! 
:'''Ollie:''' I don't know what he looks like. I don't...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You need to get your people's champion out of this hotel before some tabloid minge-flannel starts soft-soaping her. 
:'''Nicola:''' So we've got her back again now. Is that right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't be so fucking touchy about this! I've a lot to fucking deal with here! 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(sarcastically)'' ''MY'' responsibility again ''NOW!'' Doesn't matter about the speech. That's fine, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it does fucking matter! 
:''(Nicola then slams the bathroom door.)''   
:'''Malcolm:''' Women, huh? Women slam the door, where did this idea come from, huh? ''(bangs on the bathroom door)'' [[w:The Flintstones|WILMAAA]]! Fuck off!
:'''Nicola:''' ''(from inside the bathroom)'' I'm making a phone call.
:'''Malcolm:''' Make a phone call! [[wikipedia:Who_Wants_to_Be_a_Millionaire?_(UK_game_show)#Lifelines|Phone a fucking friend]]! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola makes her phone call to...Terri.)''
:'''Terri:''' ''(answering in a sing-song voice)'' Hello? 
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, it's-it's Nicola again. We're at DEFCON 1. Or-Or 5, or whichever the really bad one is. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(looking out her car window)'' You stupid pillock! Oh, boy racers. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(getting desperate)'' Terri, can you harness that anger and bring it down to Eastbourne, please? I desperately need you to come down and help me. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(replying to Nicola)'' The problem is this party political problem, because I'm a civil servant and I cannot possibly be seen to have anything to do with a party conference. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(begging)'' Terri, please, I'm standing in a factory that makes fans, right? And a-a man has walked in with a giant shit-spraying machine, and you happen to be bunking off work and not very far away, so I need you here! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(reluctantly giving in)'' Listen, I've got a cagoule in the back and I could come incognito with the hood up, if that's gonna help you out. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(looking at her speech)'' 'Government department – The gov–' Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck! How can I learn this when you're still writing it? I feel sick!
:'''Ollie:''' No, it's exciting, it's good, it's really good. In fact, I would say: the fact that you're hearing it for the first time when you say it will possibly give it a freshness and a zing, you know –
:'''Nicola:''' You think?
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, you know, this is politics as it is, isn't it? It's ''[[The West Wing]]''!
:'''Nicola:''' You're not [[wikipedia:Josh_Lyman|Josh]], Ollie, just write the fucking speech.
:'''Ollie:''' It doesn't mat–
:'''Nicola:''' Come on Nicola, pull yourself together.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' I fucking am Josh.
:'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray can do this, come on!
:'''Ollie:''' Wow, did you just refer to yourself in the second ''and'' third person? 'Cause they're both –
:'''Nicola:''' Write the fucking speech!
:'''Ollie:''' Right, OK, yes, I'm just slightly distracted by all the Nicola Murrays in the room!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''John:''' Malcolm, you're really scaring me now.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm scaring you? I'm so sorry I'm fucking scaring you. I mustn't scare you, must I? I won't scare you, OK, I'll just explain to you what I'm gonna fucking do to you: I'm gonna take your bollocks, I'm gonna fucking rip them off, I'm gonna fucking paint eyeballs on them. And I'm gonna stitch them onto a fucking sock and use that as a mouthpiece.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to John)'' Oh, twat features! I mean that literally.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, Dan Miller is not positioning himself for the leadership. Well, for a start, you can't have a prime minister called Dan. People called Dan work in fucking fitness centres and listen to West Coast jazz.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''John:''' Er, no, I've gotta wait for Glenn to bring Julie what's-her-face back from the toilet so I can give her the tour.
:'''Ollie:''' Where are they?
:'''John:''' Glenn has taken her to Nicola's toilet. It's like being back at college, isn't it, you know, [[wikipedia:Student_orientation|Freshers' Week]], it's just as busy, isn't it, you know –
:'''Nicola:''' Stop talking.
:'''John:''' Right, OK.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh dear, that's bad, Glenn and a woman in a toilet. 'Hello Julie. Would you like to see the Minister's room? ''(John starts laughing)'' It's very cosy, isn't it, just right for a little kissy-kissy? Maybe some tickle-me tickle-me? ''(mimes undoing his flies)'' Have you met my little friend, old blind Bob?' ''(turns round to find that Glenn and Julie Price have returned)'' Just an impression of my friend, old blind Bob.
:'''John:''' Liar.
:'''Ollie:''' Listen, right, I'm not being really horrible, but are you actually autistic?
:'''John:''' No; but you'd be surprised how many people ask me that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' And I need you, big man.
:'''Glenn:''' Why?
:'''Malcolm:''' Because I'm gonna invite some hacks up here. I'm gonna give them some drinks, and I'm gonna show them what good mates we are, huh?
:'''Glenn:''' Do we have to?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, we do have to do it! And I want you to be telling some really fucking amusing anecdotes about our long weekend in Prague.
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' He's gonna hit me again, isn't he? I don't mind being hit, it's just the making up afterwards that scares me shitless.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, I really need you to come down here and help me. All I've got here, right, is a psycho man, a bleeding man and a sarky teenager. It's like some fucking logic problem: 'How do I get the chickens across the river? How do I get the ''fucking chickens'' across the river?'
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''John:''' See, this is the problem with the modern age, the blogosphere, and it is a fear, it's everywhere, we call it the i-Zilla. No one can tame the [[wikipedia:Beast_of_Bodmin_Moor|Beast of Blogmin]].
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck are you talking about? Make a deal with these bloggers. Threaten them! It's your fucking job, isn't it?
:'''John:''' Malcolm, that is not how the internet works; it's a world-wide, you know, web, that's where that comes from.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look: I need you to find the [[wikipedia:Itsy_Bitsy_Spider|incy-wincy fucking spider]], take your rolled-up wank mag and fucking ''squash'' the fucker, right, can you do that?  
:'''John:''' Malcolm, I've got a lot on. ''(Malcolm glares at him)'' Not a problem. That's a Duggan promise.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie''' ''(looking out of the window onto the car park)'': You've got to see this, come here. Glenn is putting on his retrosexual moves.
:'''Nicola:''' No!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.
:'''Nicola''' ''(looking out of the window)'': Who is she?
:'''Ollie:''' I dunno, but she's smashed, if she is a she. I think I can see her madam's apple there.
:'''Nicola:''' Maybe they're just talking.  
:'''Nicola and Ollie''' ''(seeing them kiss)'': Oh!
:'''Ollie:''' That's horrific. This is like the worst porn film ever. This is like the porn film where the woman rings for a special adviser to give her an overview of the last five years of social policy and they end up fucking.
:''(both laugh)''
:'''Nicola: [[w:The Bourne Ultimatum|The Porn Ultimatum]].'''

== Series 3, Episode 4 ==
:'''Ollie:''' What's happened to Terri? She looks like a female impersonator! 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah I know, I thought you only got made over like that at a gay undertaker's.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Ollie:''' ''(re: Nicola's daughter, Ella)'' She's kicking off at school. Basically, ever since Malcolm made Nicola put her in the fucking comp, she's headed for what Mr. [[w:Neil Diamond|Neil Diamond]]  I believe would have called 'a [[w:Sweet Caroline|Sweet]] [[w:Columbine High School massacre|Columbine]] incident'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma:''' Hey, do you know what, I wonder if we'll get to sneak up on Ollie and catch him not working.  
:'''Phil:''' Better still, I'd like to see him getting bollocked by Malcolm. ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'I'm gonna rip out ya bladder and wear it as a bandana!'  
:'''Emma:''' OK, erm –  
:'''Phil:''' I need to know what Glenn Cullen looks like.  
:'''Emma:''' Oh, Glenn Cullen, er, fifties, kind of depressed looking; I always think of, like, a bloodhound.  
:'''Phil:''' OK, I'll get a picture of Mick Hucknall.  
:'''Peter''' ''(arriving)'': Morning, comrades! How goes the revolution?  
:'''Phil and Emma:''' Morning.  
:'''Peter:''' Our tanks on their lawn at last, fuck-a-doodle-doo!  
:'''Phil:''' Talking of which, may I present the DoSAC Implementation Matrix!  
:'''Emma:''' Don't ask.  
:'''Peter:''' Look, this is a very straightforward set of meetings with the senior civil servants. You know, 'Where's the stop-cock? Where can I get a decent cup of coffee? Here's our legislative agenda for the next three years'.  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah I know, but Stewart's very keen for us to use a visit to DoSAC as a scouting exercise?  
:'''Peter:''' Well I'm very keen to use Stewart's mouth as an ashtray, but it doesn't mean I'd do it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(explaining the Opposition Drill)'' When the Opposition are here, you tell them nothing except where the toilets are, but you lie about that. And Terri, keep your tits in.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma:''' ''(receiving an alert on her phone)'' That's Stewart. I'm just gonna have to show him up.  
:'''Peter:''' Great, Mr. Blue Sky; we're not gonna practise fist bumps again, are we?  
:'''Emma:''' Phil, if you mention anything out of turn while I'm gone, I will send your mum that picture of you dressed up as Cher, OK? ''(taps her phone)'' One button... ''(leaves)''  
:'''Peter:''' Cher?  
:'''Phil:''' Celine Dion, karaoke night. It's totally harmless. ''(checks that Emma has gone)'' OK, Ollie told Emma that there's a shitstorm brewing about the minister's daughter.  
:'''Peter:''' She was only the minister's daughter, but she knew how to take the collection.  
:'''Phil:''' She's 12.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, shit, strike that last remark, it's actually a little poem that... gets much worse.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Ah Peter, glad we could hook up. Just wanted to take a couple of turns with you on the ideas carousel, yeah? Think of ways we could turn your team into a little cluster of excellence.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, you mean you wanted to have a chat.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Peter:''' I hate to be a spoilsport, but can we briefly refocus on our visit to DoSAC?  
:'''Stewart''': Yeah, who are you meeting?  
:'''Phil:''' Got a couple of meetings with two top people, you know, the big swinging dicks.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, OK, well don't forget the tiny static dicks.  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, we're not allowed to talk to her boyfriend, though.  
:'''Emma:''' Very funny.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Oi! Oi! [[w:James May|James fucking May]]! It was ''you'' sprayed the private information about the school, wasn't it?! Like [[w:Jenson Button|Jenson Button]] shaking up a magnum of piss!
:'''Phil:''' Oh, just listen to yourself! Okay, at first it was private information between you and your boss, then it was private information between you and your girlfriend, ''then'' it was private information between your girlfriend and her colleagues!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah?
:'''Phil:''' I mean, I can draw you a diagram if you like! it's like a fucking swine flu pandemic!
:'''Ollie:''' I've clearly made an error, which I have to take up with Emma...
:'''Phil:''' Exactly!
:'''Ollie:''' ... but you shouldn't be fucking using it for political –
:'''Phil:''' This is ''your'' fault! It's not my fault! You're like the man who fucked the monkey that gave us AIDS, that's who you are!
:'''Ollie:''' ''(incredulous)'' I'm like the man who did what? Who &quot;fucked the monkey ''(laughs)'' that gave us AIDS&quot;?
:'''Phil:''' That's right: you keep saying &quot;it wasn't me, it wasn't me&quot; and there's monkey shit on your balls, not mine!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking in)'' I love it, I love it - it's the pre-match sparring for the big Super Gayweight Title Fight, eh? ''(makes boxing motions)'' Okay, Oliver, wipe away the pre-cum. You've got some work to get on with.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(quietly)'' Yeah, Malcolm, um...?
:'''Malcolm:''' What?
:'''Ollie:''' The Nicola thing, I think, is getting a bit worse. It looks like her daughter's about to be excluded for bullying.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, Glenn told me that.
:'''Ollie:''' What? When did –?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. The thing is, all we've got to do is, if we try and keep this info very, very closely contained, we'll be all right, yeah? 
:'''Ollie:''' Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay?
:'''Ollie''': Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' On you go. ''(walks up to Phil)'' Okay, Shitehead Revisited. Did you know that Nicola Murray's daughter is about to be expelled from school for fucking ''bullying?''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' What are you doing?
:'''Phil:''' No, what...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't worry. ''(to Phil)'' Did you not know that?
:'''Phil:''' No, why would I... No...
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you wouldn't know that, 'cause the only people who know that right now are Mrs. Murray, her daughter, Ollie and me, yeah? If this gets into the press, I would ''know'' that it came from you.
:'''Phil:''' Clever. ''(chuckles, trying to hide his nervousness)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(also chuckles, rather deviously)'' And I would rain down on you so hard, you would have to be reassembled by fucking air crash investigators. ''(Phil tries to protest)'' ''Do not fucking'' interrupt me, son, ever! Now get this into the noggin, right? You breathe a ''word'' of this, to ''anyone'', you mincing fucking '''''CUNT''''', and I will tear your fucking skin off, I will wear it to your mother's birthday party, and I will rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whistling [[w:Bohemian Rhapsody|Bohemian fucking Rhapsody]], right?!
:'''Phil:''' ''(nods in shock)'' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' Now...get out of my fucking sight! 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. ''(wanders off, visibly terrified)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' ''(Discussing Malcolm)'' His bark's worse than his bite. ''(Sees Malcolm approaching)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Peter!
:'''Peter:''' And speaking of rabies injections, here he is!
:'''Malcolm:''' I didn't know you were still alive. How's the 80's tribute band? Still doing the [[wikipedia:Robert_Palmer_(singer)|Robert Palmer]] lookalikey thing, huh?
:'''Peter:''' Malcolm, you're looking well, for someone twice your age. Any news on the aneurysm?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' ''(Answers his mobile phone)'' Ah, Stewart. What flavour of nut-brown piss are you going to pour in my ear?
:'''Stewart:''' How's the info-pump firing?
:'''Peter:''' You mean Terri Coverley? She's useless, she knows nothing. You two would get on.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Nicola, just got a text from Malcolm. He says he knows Mannion was here. 
:'''Nicola:''' How does he know that?  
:'''Glenn:''' Text reads: 'I know about your fucking meeting with that ageing flamenco guitarist. You are NOT' (big letters) 'to go home.' There's been an escalation. He says he wants you at Number 10 'ASAFP'.  
:'''Nicola:''' 'F' meaning –  
:'''Glenn:''' Feasibly, I should imagine.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola arrives at Malcolm's office)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hi Nicola, thanks very much for coming over. Can I get you something?  
:'''Nicola:''' Actually, you haven't got any whisky, have you?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Whisky, yeah. Hasn't been touched for a while; still got [[wikipedia:Anthony_Eden|Anthony Eden]]'s lipstick on the bottle.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' OK, so it's Mannion. What do we do? I mean, do we go after him with one of your, you know, things that you say, like a big bum-dildo of vengeance or something? 
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go, that's my girl, yeah! [[wikipedia:Indiana_Jones_(franchise)|Indiana]] Murray and the Bum-Dildo of Vengeance, I like it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:''(arriving at the DoSAC building)''  
:'''Phil:''' This is ''mint''. It's like the fall of Troy but with visitor's passes instead of a [[wikipedia:Trojan_Horse|wooden horse]].  
:'''Peter''' ''(quoting [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Tennyson's]]'' [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Ulysses]]'')'': 'It may be that the gulfs will wash us down, / It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles / And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.'  
:'''Phil:''' I meant the film ''[[Troy (film)|Troy]]''?
:'''Peter:''' Awesome.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Emma:''' Do you fancy a cup of tea?  
:'''Stewart:''' Er, yes, you got anything herbal?  
:'''Emma:''' OK, yeah. ''(walking off, to herself)'' Something perfumed and essentially gay. ''(sees Phil)'' Oh, speak of the devil. Whoa, you look like you've shat yourself.
:'''Phil:''' I had a close encounter with Malcolm Tucker. ''(Emma laughs)'' It's not funny, he's like some horrible character from an Ian Rankin novel.  
:'''Stewart:''' Where's Peter?  
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, where is Peter?  
:'''Phil:''' I don't know. It's a bit of a blur to be honest, I just kind of ran out of the building. I just kept walking, I ended up in [[wikipedia:Greenwich|Greenwich]].  
:'''Emma:''' Greenwich?  
:'''Phil:''' I think I was following the river, I wanted to get to the sea.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter:''' Do you channel all your passions into pie charts, Stewart? I don't even think you're excited about winning. I bet when you orgasm, you just put a little tick on a chart next to your bed.

== Series 3, Episode 5 ==
:''(Terri smiles and waves at Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' Why does the useless one keep staring at me?
:'''Phil:''' Because she's a mentalist and she loves you. You ever crash your car in the mountains, she'll be the one waiting to drag you out. ''(both chuckle)'' You've seen ''[[wikipedia:Misery (film)|Misery]]''?
:'''Peter:''' I'm in the fucking BBC, aren't I?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola, Terri, Glenn, Phil and Peter are all waiting in the green room. Terri continues to smile and stare at Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(quietly)'': The stupid one keeps staring at me; could you block the view, or something?
:'''Phil:''' OK. ''(sits on the table, between Terri and Peter)''
:'''Peter:''' OK.  
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Terri)'': Sorry.
:'''Peter:''' Why isn't Emma here to help?
:'''Phil:''' She's dumping Ollie tonight. Result! Probably crying his eyes out right now, like Kate Winslet losing on a scratch card.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that's a nice tan you haven't quite managed to get there, Peter.
:'''Peter:''' Oh yes of course, that's very funny, because of the shitstorm you created about my second holiday. I had to cancel my second holiday. I see what you did there, you should be in stand-up.
:'''Phil:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_Elton|Glenn Elton]]. 'Yes indeed, ladies and gentlemen!'
:'''Peter:''' Sorry about the puffin.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is in his office talking to someone on his cell phone)''
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I don't give a fuck whose birthday it is, I'm going to enjoy myself here listening to this Murray-Mannion ding-dong on the radio. The fat cat story's breaking, so the opposition are gonna be sweating like Vegas Elvis on a squash court. 
:''(Malcolm's personal assistant, Sam, comes into the office with a box)''
:'''Sam:''' Happy Birthday, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Stop saying that, right? Just you go home. What is this? Don't...Is this my new anal beads? 
:''(Malcolm looks at the box)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, this has been X-rayed, yeah? I'm not gonna get fucking, a present bomb in the face? 
:''(Malcolm opens the box. It contains a cake which reads 'Happy Birthday C*nt')''
:'''Malcolm:''' This could be from anybody. ''(opens the accompanying card)'' Ah, it's from the Prime Minister. This is fucking Tom's idea of a joke, yeah? And he wonders why we don't let him out in public.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola is discussing what she's going to say about her Fourth Sector Initiative on Richard Bacon's radio show with Terri and Glenn)''
:'''Nicola:''' Fourth sector, people power. Inspiring each other out of disadvantage. 
:'''Terri:''' And you need to put in the liking words as well, not just the headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' I am going to talk in complete sentences. 
:'''Terri:''' I think you should rehearse with those headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, how about &quot;I believe in people power. Will you fuck off, Terri?&quot; Is that okay? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, Peter is discussing what he's going to talk about on the show with Phil.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' &quot;We call it the Common Sense Checklist, Richard. We need to cut red tape. We were talking about that at the Oval the other day, weren't we, Richard?&quot; 
:'''Phil:''' ''(loving it)'' That's just the sound of wickets falling. 
:''(But then, Phil's cell phone rings.)''
:'''Phil:''' Stewart. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Stewart? Oh, good. I wonder what Mr. Political Correctness Gone Boring wants...
:'''Phil:''' ''(answering his cell phone)'' Hi, Stewart. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, a little note for Peter, yeah? Tell him to dump the common sense checklist. Yeah, it's an ex-list. The new world order is this: Hit the city hard, yeah? It's &quot;Reverse Gekko.&quot; Greed is bad, money is awful. &quot;I Heart [[wikipedia:Tracy Chapman|Tracy Chapman]],&quot; yeah? 
:''(Phil leans over to Peter to quietly tell him the bad news...)''
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' He wants you to scrap the common sense checklist and hit the city hard over the bonuses, call them all money-grabbing wankers. 
:''(A BBC employee lets everyone know that Nicola and Peter are on, but Peter still has something to say to Phil.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Phil. ''(Peter quietly pulls Phil aside.)'' Some of my best friends are money-grabbing wankers. And I've got to give a speech to a roomful of them tomorrow at the CBI lunch. I'm not gonna say, &quot;Hello, chums, I've just taken a slash in the soup.&quot; So, no, the answer's no. 
:''(As Peter makes his way to the studio, Phil gets back on his cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart, um, Peter's not going to want to do that. 
:'''Stewart:''' No, I don't want him to want to do it, Phil. I just want him to do it. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' Stewart says it's a JB diktat, you have to do it. 
:'''Peter:''' Tell him to stick a goose up his arse. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Peter Mannion and Nicola Murray are now in the studio with Richard Bacon. Phil, Terri and Glenn are in the control room.)'' 
:'''[[wikipedia:Richard_Bacon_(broadcaster)|Richard Bacon]]:''' Coming up shortly, we've got what could be a rather fiery showdown between two political heavyweights. After trading blows in the dailies, it's now time for them to meet face to face. So, it gives me great pleasure to introduce Nicola Murray...
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. 
:''(Richard gives Nicola a polite 'please wait' hand gesture)''
:'''Richard:'''...Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. ''(Richard gives Nicola the 'OK.')'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Hello, again. I got it right that time. I managed to come in at the right time. 
:'''Richard:''' Hello, and from the shadow cabinet, the right honourable Peter Mannion MP. 
:'''Peter:''' Hi, Richard. Good to see you again. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(in the control room)'' THE MANNIONATOR! 
:'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Good to see you again as well. Uh, listen, guys, first of all...
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Phil)'' How old are you? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Richard:''' Either of you got any piercings? Any tattoos? 
:'''Peter:''' Uh, I've got an appendix scar, does that count? 
:'''Richard:''' Classic! 
:'''Peter:''' Well, you know how it is. Out with a bunch of pals, got a bit tipsy, rolled into casualty, yeah. Hey, we all got it done. 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah! In your face, bitch! 
:'''Richard:''' That's very funny. Nicola Murray, any piercings? 
:'''Nicola:''' Um...Uh, no...
:'''Terri:''' Yes, you do.
:'''Nicola:''' No piercings at all, no. 
:'''Terri:''' You have got some piercings. 
:'''Richard:''' Okay, all right. 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, sorry, no piercings at all, no. 
:''(All the while, Glenn is trying to remind Nicola about her pierced ears.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, some people say that my distinguishing feature would be probably my ears, which I'm told are quite small. 
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
:'''Nicola:''' But I do think we have to be a little bit careful about taking too light an approach to culturally sensitive issues, like body piercing or female circumcision...Uh, earrings! Earrings. I've got pierced ears. 
:'''Richard:''' Let's leave that there. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(listening to Nicola on the radio)'' Fuck me, this is like a clown running across a minefield!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Terri are now out of the control room, having an impromptu talk.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm really worried about Nicola. She's behaving like a squirrel trapped in a pedal bin. What I'm asking you to do is have a word with, um, Blondie, that producer. And cut Nicola some slack because she needs all the sympathy she can get. 
:'''Terri:''' The problem is, though, Glenn, if you say to a journalist, 'Can you avoid that topic?', that's when they really go for it. I mean, it's like saying to the school bully, 'I'll wet myself if you tickle me'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Throughout his show, Richard reads out listeners' texts about piercings.)''
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I don't see the point of piercings. If you were a robot, you wouldn't stick bits of dangling flesh all over yourself, would you?'
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, my friend's daughter got piercings all round her mouth. She looks like she works in a ball bearings factory, and there was an explosion and all the shrapnel got embedded in her face. I don't like it.'
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I love piercings. They are part of who I am, literally. Tina in Weymouth.'
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is now talking about her Fourth Sector Initiative.)''
:'''Nicola:''' What we would be looking for is getting people to inspire each other out of poverty, out of disadvantage. 
:'''Richard:''' ''(somewhat cynically)'' How can you be ''inspired'' out of poverty? 
:'''Nicola:''' Well, I'm choosing to ignore your rather cynical tone...
:'''Richard:''' I'm not being cynical, Nicola Murray. It's a perfectly legitimate question. How can you be inspired out of poverty? 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, you are being cynical, but anyway, we'll park that. Um, one of our initiatives is to designate certain people as fourth sector pathfinders. Now they would be pillars of a normal community. 
:'''Richard:''' Are you talking about &quot;have-a-go heroes,&quot; for example? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, we're talking about everyday heroes.
:'''Richard:''' I assume you'd want to avoid Charles Bronson-style vigilantes? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, yes. Yes, we don't, we don't want [[wikipedia:Charles Bronson|Charles Bronson]]. More, more, Charles, uh...Dance. 
:'''Richard:''' Okay. 
:'''Peter:''' Or Chaplin, yeah? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Suddenly, Glenn's cell phone goes off in the control room.)''
:'''Janice:''' ''(the show's producer, to Glenn)'' Out! 
:'''Glenn:''' Alright! 
:'''Phil:''' Is that Nicola's doctor? Probably trying to book a circumcision. 
:''(Glenn goes out of the control room to answer his phone.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you producing porno now for the visually impaired?
:'''Glenn:''' Wh– What?
:'''Malcolm:''' Because what I'm hearing here, on my radio, is Nicola Murray being roundly fucked. What is this, [[wikipedia:Bukkake|Bukkake]] [[wikipedia:Book_at_Bedtime|at Bedtime]]? Just, fu– put Ollie on.
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie, erm – Well he's not here, he's at home.
:'''Malcolm:''' Tell that fucking stick of celery to get his arse out of there, and get down to 5 Live right now. Tell him to inject some energy into Nicola's performance. At the moment, she's coming across like a Nazi float at the fucking [[wikipedia:Notting_Hill_Carnival|Notting Hill Carnival]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' It seems to me what I call a &quot;political meringue.&quot; Uh...sweet but, uh, lightweight and very little substance. 
:''(Meanwhile, in the control room...)''
:'''Phil:''' ''(clapping)'' He's like bloody [[wikipedia:Peter Ustinov|Ustinov]], isn't he? 
:'''Terri:''' Uh, it's just such an old joke. Can you just please get out? 
:'''Janice:''' ''(to both Phil AND Terri)'' Yeah. Okay, right. Can you just both fucking get out of the studio now? You and fucking Rupert Brooke, just out! 
:''(Meanwhile, Richard Bacon continues talking to Peter)'' 
:'''Richard:''' I know exactly what you mean. The other day, the BBC sent me on a Health &amp; Safety away day, where they taught me how to carry a cup of coffee. 
:'''Peter:''' (laughing) This, this is exactly what I mean. That makes no sense. That's nonsense, and uh... and we need to say no to the nanny state, uh, &quot;boo&quot; to nanny, and claw back some personal responsibility in the name of common sense. 
:'''Richard:''' We need to...Hang on, we need to say boo to nanny? 
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, it's just a play on [[wikipedia:Jools Holland|Jools Holland]]'s Hootenanny. (stuttering) I-I, I didn't write it, it's not...
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
:'''Peter:''' But, you know...Hey nanny no. 
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh hello, nice dinner?
:'''Emma:''' Fuck off, [[wikipedia:Bagpuss|Bagpuss]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil spots Emma in the green room. Terri is also in there.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Hey, that was quick. Did you tell him? 
:'''Emma:''' Kind of. He's getting the message. 
:'''Phil:''' Look, I couldn't say while you were together, but I really don't know what you saw in him. 
:'''Emma:''' You told me all the time how much you hated him. That was one of the main reasons I went out with him so long. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you splitting up with Ollie? 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, can you actually hear all right over there? I can pop into the studio and get some microphones so you can get all the details. 
:'''Terri:''' No, I can hear fine. Yes, no, I think that's a really good idea. I mean, for your sake. I'd back you up on that. 
:'''Emma:''' (pleased) What, I have your backing? Oh, fantastic. Thanks. 
:'''Phil:''' Hey, Emma, look, you're clearly overemotional right now. Why don't you go home, you know, drink some mojitos with your girlfriends and talk about shoes? I've got it covered here. 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah. Well, actually, Stewart called me in because he wanted me to SatNav Peter out of the dead end you've driven him into. So, perhaps you should piss off and read that ''[[wikipedia:Marie Claire|Marie Claire]]'' you nicked off me. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And then, Phil's cell phone rings again -- and once again, Stewart's on the other line.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' (answering his cell phone) Hi, Stewart. He's great, isn't he? 
:'''Stewart:''' &quot;Boo to nanny?&quot; Phil, no one watches Jools Holland, yeah? We need to be appealing to ''One Show'' man and ''Holby City'' woman. 
:'''Emma:''' What's he saying? 
:'''Phil:''' Just shut up, Emma. The men are talking? 
:'''Stewart:''' Is Emma there? 
:'''Phil:''' Yes, she is here. 
:'''Stewart:''' Thank God! Put her on, Phil. 
:''(Emma gets on the cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Stewart, hi. 
:'''Stewart:''' This is the brief. Got a pen? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, hang on. ''(to Phil)'' Have you got a pen? 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, you're not having it. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Do you need a pen?
:'''Emma:''' Uh, I do, thanks. ''(to Stewart)'' Sorry, Stewart, hang on. 
:'''Stewart:''' Why don't you have one just sellotaped to your chin, Emma? Write this down! Write on his shirt! Just write it down! 
:''(Phil tries to take the pen from Emma, but Emma's not messing around.)''
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' I'm serious. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you listening to Daddy? 
:'''Emma:''' Okay. 
:'''Stewart:''' I want you to pull some info, right? On city bonuses, tax evasion, non-doms. Let's name and shame some fat cats! I want to hear some fact-enforced noise! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Ollie arrives at the BBC Building.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Many thanks, Glenn.
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' For getting me in on my special night off. Emma was furious when I said I was coming in here, she was moaning, she was screaming, and then I said I was coming in here. Do you see what I did? 
:'''Glenn:''' (smiling mockingly) I see. 
:'''Ollie:''' It was a joke about my sexual prowess. 
:''(But then, Ollie sees Emma.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' What the fuck are you doing here?
:'''Emma:''' Oh, I'm having an affair with Richard Bacon. I'm incredibly aroused by men with meat in their surname.
:'''Ollie:''' You. You told me...I cooked a lovely meal...
:'''Emma:''' Ordered. And it wasn't lovely. 
:'''Ollie:''' What the fuck's going on?
:''(Emma's cell phone rings)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, I've got to take this. I'll talk to you later. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So! She DID come! She came into work! Do you see what I did there? 
:'''Ollie:''' Fuck off, Glenn.  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is accusing Peter and his party of blocking initiatives that would allow bonuses to the so-called &quot;fat cats.&quot;)'' 
:'''Nicola:'''...when you yourself where actually in cabinet. We have tried repeatedly to initiate legislation which will outlaw these bonuses. Now, your party has persistently blocked those attempts. 
:'''Richard:''' I think it's an interesting point. What do you say, Peter Mannion, to the accusation that these huge bonuses and the offense that they cause are the fault of your party? 
:'''Peter:''' I think that's a completely fatuous argument when Nicola's party has been in government for what seems like about a century, and bonuses under their watch have increased...What? Five fold? Oh, dear! Come on, Nicola. Pull your finger out. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, fine. So you personally would like to see more done to hit the fat cats? 
:'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Is that what you're saying? 
:'''Peter:''' (stammering) Well, yes-yes. I...I would. If the person receiving the bonus hasn't performed well...
:'''Richard:''' Can I, can I simplify that? Let me simplify this. Would you outlaw bonuses? 
:'''Peter:''' (still stuttering) In the case of them being undeserved, yes...
:'''Nicola:''' Which the bulk of them are, so basically you're saying the bulk of your friends in the city are disgusting. 
:'''Peter:''' (confused) No, no, no. Yes, yes, but only if the bonuses they receive are unfair.
:'''Richard:''' I think, well, I think we've got -- It's alright. I think we've got your point. Uh, thank you. Let's move on. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Phil enters the green room)''
:'''Ollie:''' Right, if you speak to me, I will pour hot coffee on your balls.
:'''Phil:''' Hey, guy, I don't want to fight. I want to clear the air, actually. We're like those two little old people in the [[wikipedia:Weather_house|weathercock]]: you come out, I'm in there, and we're swapping round.
:'''Ollie:''' You're Mr. Sunshine, are you?
:'''Phil:''' I'm Mr. Sunshine!
:'''Ollie:''' You're a little wooden twat, in a little wooden house.
:'''Phil:''' Come on, there's no need – we can be friends! I'm thinking two enemies, they come together when they realise it is no more. Aragorn and Boromir! Me: Aragorn, the true king. You: Boromir. [[wikipedia:Middle-earth_objects#Horn_of_Gondor|Your horn]] is broken, and will be blown no more.
:'''Ollie:''' This inability to talk without using ''Lord of the Rings'' metaphors is one of the very ''many'' reasons that we could never be friends.
:'''Phil:''' Okay. By the way, you'll be getting a bill. That's OK, though, I presume you're expecting that. 
:'''Ollie:''' Okay, I'll bite. (sighs) Why will I be getting a bill, Phil? 
:'''Phil:''' Ah, let me see, partial rent, electricity, gas, internet use, toilet paper...Kept a note every time you were round at the flat. 
:'''Ollie:''' You're moving out? Oh, that's a shame. I'll miss doing that secret and bad thing I did with your roll-on deodorant. 
:'''Phil:''' I'm not moving out. I'm just guessing that seeing how Emma's dumped you, you won't be coming round much any more. 
:'''Ollie:''' What? 
:'''Phil:''' Oh, let me just savor this moment. Thank you, God. She hasn't told you, has she? 
:'''Ollie:''' No, what? 
:'''Phil:''' She's dumped you. She did it tonight. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, no. She didn't do it tonight. 
:'''Phil:''' Let me get a little photo of this moment. Hey, new desktop picture here: Ollie being dumped!
:''(Ollie doesn't appreciate being told of this bit of news by Phil.)''   
:'''Ollie:''' Why would she tell you first, dickwad?
:'''Phil:''' I've no idea, she told me to get out of the flat tonight so she could dump you. Anyway, in the words of [[wikipedia:Shakespears_Sister|Shakespears Sister]], ''(sings in falsetto)'' '[[wikipedia:You're_History|You're History]]'! ''(Ollie throws his coffee at Phil's groin)'' Ah, f– It's a dark suit and it's only lukewarm, I ''still'' win!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Richard is taking another call on his show)'' 
:'''Richard:''' James Henderson, what's your point? 
:'''Peter:''' Is that Jim Henderson from Clifton? 
:'''Richard:''' ''(surprised)'' You two know each other? 
:'''Peter:''' We've met. We know each other. 
:'''James:''' ''(talking to Peter on the phone line)'' We've met! Yes, we ''have'' met. I'm surprised to hear you turning on the city boys. Um, you never found the JFU donating huge wodges of cash to your party ''disgusting.'' 
:'''Peter:''' Well, that's a separate issue...
:'''James:''' ''(continuing)'' Even though everyone knows they've got links with sweatshops. 
:'''Richard:''' Wow! 
:'''Peter:''' What? 
:'''Richard:''' Well, that's quite an extraordinary allegation, very serious. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(still in his office)'' YES! 
:'''Richard:''' ...links to sweatshops? 
:'''Peter:''' That should be looked into, but...
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's my birthday! 
:'''Peter:''' ...I don't know the facts. 
:'''James:''' I've just told you the facts! Are you calling me a liar? 
:'''Janice:''' I can't believe my ears, did we just break a story that wasn't 'the [[wikipedia:Ipswich_Town_F.C.|Ipswich]] manager just got sacked'?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(leaving his office)'' It's my birthday! ''(Offering someone a piece of cake)'' Cunt cake? Go ahead! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart is on his cell phone, telling Emma he's coming down to the BBC Studios.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Right, Emma. Look, look, look, I'm just coming in. Okay? Yeah, look, I'll be 20 minutes, right? So see if you can get Peter to do something inoffensive for 20 minutes. Hard boil 4 eggs! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, in the green room...)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''(in a bad mood)'' Great. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You tell fucking Man at C&amp;A that I'm dumped before I do, is that it? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's he talking about? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' I thought he knew. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, you fucking twit! 
:'''Glenn:''' Do you mind keeping it down? Some of us are trying to listen.
:'''Phil:''' I can fill you in: Peter's tearing through her like a Viking at a nunnery.
:'''Glenn:''' If he's a Viking, he's [[wikipedia:Cnut_the_Great|King Cnut]]!
:'''Phil:''' ''WHAT?''
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, he's drowning in the party donations. You should ''listen!'' 
:'''Phil:''' Bullshit! 
:''(Phil and Emma are listening on the radio. Ollie's trying to get Emma's attention.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You can't even fucking look at me! 
:'''Phil:''' We're trying to listen here now. 
:'''Ollie &amp; Emma:''' Shut the fuck up, Phil! 
:''(And now, EVERYBODY'S arguing!)'' 
:'''Janice:''' ''(storming into the green room)'' OK, do you want to shut up? And if you lot don't keep this down, I'm gonna have you all ejected from the building. ''(points at Terri)'' You are the worst, my chair still smells of your perfume!
:'''Terri:''' Excuse me! For the record, I have done nothing.
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, that will be your epitaph, Terri.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Glenn are celebrating just outside the green room)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Great! Good! Yes! I'm cooking now. 
:'''Glenn:''' Cooking with gas! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm fucking Delia Smith! I'm cracking eggs, I'm pouring in baking powder, I'm using fucking vanilla extract. It's great! 
:''(Peter is in the green room with Phil, trying to recover from his stumbles on 5 Live)'' 
:'''Peter:''' That was not good. That was the opposite of good. 
:'''Phil:''' Bad. 
:'''Peter:''' How do I counter? Have you heard of JFU? 
:'''Phil:''' I didn't actually hear that bit, so I don't know.
:'''Peter:''' You couldn't hear? CHRIST! You're...''(Chuckling, looking at Nicola and Glenn outside)'' Sorry, it's just...
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' You're here to hear, Phil. Why do you think you're here? You're HERE to HEAR! You're not here for eye candy! 
:'''Phil:''' Look, it's not my fault. It was very noisy in here. Ollie and Emma were splitting up at the time, and I couldn't really focus...
:'''Peter:''' ''Emma?'' ''Emma?'' Why is ''Emma'' here? 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart sent her down here. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(looking at Phil's trousers)'' ''Why have you got wet trousers?'' 
:'''Phil:''' Ollie threw coffee at me. 
:'''Peter:''' I'm sorry. I seemed to have wandered into some 1970s [[wikipedia:Ray Cooney|Ray Cooney]] farce. Is the vicar about to come around with [[wikipedia:Brian Rix|Brian Rix]] and [[wikipedia:Robin Askwith|Robin Askwith]]? 
:'''Janice:''' Right, back in. Headphones on ears, arses on chairs. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Meanwhile, Ollie and Emma are arguing in the hallway...and Terri's sitting just inches away from them.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Ollie, we just, we don't make any time for each other any more. 
:'''Ollie:''' We're busy people. We work really, really hard. We work harder than Fat Pat's arteries. Of course we...
:'''Terri:''' Did you used to make time for each other? I mean, I think that's the crucial question. 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry...
:'''Ollie:''' Okay, just for a second, Aunt Terri, fuck off! 
:'''Terri:''' Where am I meant to go? 
:'''Ollie:''' Pretend you've got to go and have a shit or something. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' You're going to be a lot better off without him. 
:'''Emma:''' What do you mean I'm going to be...
:'''Ollie:''' You're not going to be better off... 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, have you...Do you talk about me at work? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, fuck this! This is like that nightmare I had about being on ''[[wikipedia:Loose Women|Loose Women]].''
:''(After Ollie walks away from the argument, however, he sees Glenn and Phil talking in the corner.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Phil)'' ...that one at all. I mean, everyone knows that Schumacher is Stig. 
:'''Phil:''' I think that was just publicity, just to keep it going. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' Right. I'll go back to ''Loose Women.'' 
:'''Phil:''' ''(still talking to Glenn)'' Friend of mine thinks it's actually May, Hammond and Clarkson, purely 'cause Stig is an anagram of &quot;gits.&quot;
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, right. 
:''(Ollie is forced to go back to Emma and Terri's corner)'' 
:'''Emma:''' I just don't think he should be talking about me at all, let alone things that are totally private.
:'''Terri:''' No, I agree, I absolutely – ''(sees that Ollie has returned)'' Then the bank bonuses are very high, aren't they?
:'''Ollie:''' I know you've been talking about me, Terri, because I've got this weird [[Derren Brown]] thing going on where I can see and hear things, Terri.
:'''Emma:''' So, Ollie, what exactly have you been saying to them in the office about me?
:'''Ollie:''' I've been saying, er, you smell of fennel, you're racist –
:'''Emma:''' Funny.
:'''Ollie:''' – you torture horses, and you're in [[wikipedia:The_Bangles|The Bangles]], that's what I've been saying about you at work.
:'''Emma:''' See, I think you've been sexually bragging.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, don't flatter yourself.
:''(Stewart has finally entered the room.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Emma, I didn't send you here so you could chat about your sex life. I sent you here to back-block Peter's narrative, hmm? ''(Stewart then points to the Piercings Man)'' And what's happened to Phil? I mean, don't get me wrong, I like him, but I'm not seeing him in man-made fibers. 
:'''Emma:''' He's just drying his...He's drying his trousers. 
:''(Stewart's in quiet disbelief...)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I don't want to know. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(seeing Stewart enter the control room)'' How perfect. Who should walk in...
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' I'm Stewart Pearson, yeah? See the fat man that you're berating like he's a piñata? Well, I own him.
:'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, that's a fascinating development –
:'''Peter''' ''(seeing Malcolm arrive)'': Oh! And as we speak, who should come rolling along the corridor but Malcolm Tucker, the man who was once referred to as the [[wikipedia:Gorbals|Gorbals]] [[Joseph Goebbels|Goebbels]]...
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, don't do a joke. Peter, don't do a...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, can you explain, please, why your party spin doctor has arrived entirely announced? 
:'''Peter:''' I would say it was an indication of how seriously our party is taking the allegations that we were...
:'''Stewart:''' Don't say it again! 
:'''Peter:''' ...receiving donations from... 
:'''Richard:''' From a sweatshop labour company. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Ooh! Did you prep him with this shit, yeah? 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, yeah, yeah. The last thing I said to him was go in there and bomb. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, it fucking worked. Usually, he comes across like, you know, just another third-rate Donald Sinden. But tonight, he's like a ventriloquist's dummy that's fucking falling to bits. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really nice to see you without those veins in your temples throbbing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Cause you have really got your work cut out with him, haven't you? Look at the hair. You've got to do something. He's like fucking Swiss Toni. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah. Well, this is radio, Malcolm, but it's great to be getting this straight from you. Thanks. 
:'''Janice:''' Look, do you guys have to make so much noise? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Janice)'' I don't know if they told you this on your training day, love, but this is fucking soundproofed, that, they can't hear you. I mean, we're like Ted Moult to them. 
:'''Janice:''' Look, can you please get out? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No. Actually, we -- we are entitled to be in here. That lot, they should all be in here. All the political advisors should be in here. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm brings EVERYBODY into the Control Room!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I just want to add to the party atmosphere. I'm perfectly entitled to this. 
:''(While Malcolm is doing this, Stewart is reading a text message off of Janice's computer screen)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Gather round, everybody. There is a text here from Tim in Ruislip. This is what Tim's text says: &quot;Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition.&quot; 
:'''Richard:''' ''(in the studio)'' Can I just say to the listeners at home, I have no idea what's going on now. We're in a studio, there's another room next door... 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(pushing everybody out)'' We have to get out, right? Okay. Let's get, you know...
:'''Stewart:''' What do you reckon, Malcolm? It seems like a big issue to me. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not. We're going to move on to piercings. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' Janice, I'm sure in the interest of balance, you'll want to...
:'''Janice:''' Right, can you shut up, right? Malcolm's right, I decide what is news. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Absolutely. 
:'''Janice:''' And this is fucking news! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Bullshit! Right. See this here? ''(Malcolm goes to the &quot;Shut Down&quot; button.)'' You do it and I will press this fucking button. 
:'''Janice:''' Don't fucking threaten me! 
:'''Malcolm:''' This switch... 
:'''Janice:''' Richard, Tim in Ruislip. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You do that and I will...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Richard reads the text from &quot;Tim in Ruislip,&quot; which turns the whole Murray-Mannion debate on its' head.)'' 
:'''Richard:''' We've just received this text message from Tim in Ruislip...
:'''Stewart:''' ''(smiling)'' Ooh. She's actually put it through. 
:'''Richard:''' And he says, &quot;Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition.&quot; 
:''(Malcolm is very upset with Janice for sending Tim's text message through to Richard's computer in the studio.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's your fucking career over, right, OK, you're fucking dead. And those three little words, 'Tim in [[wikipedia:Ruislip|Ruislip]]', are the fucking nails in your coffin, dear. ''(imitates hammering)'' Tim. In. Ruislip. Tim in fucking Ruislip. And as for Tim in fucking –
:'''Janice:''' Yeah, okay, can you stop ''fucking saying that, please?''  
:'''Malcolm:''' – FUCKING, fucking Ruislip, he's fucking dead as well! That fucking texting coward. Give me his number. What's his fucking number? Give me the fucking number of Tim in Ruislip.
:'''Janice:''' ''(to her assistant)'' Erase it. Take it off the screen now.
:'''Malcolm:''' If you don't give me his fucking number, do you know what I'm gonna have to do? I'm gonna have to fucking go to fucking Ruislip, and fucking snap the thumb and forefinger off of every single person I see, who I think resembles the kind of wanker that would be walking around in this day and fucking age with a name like fucking Tim! How do you think that sounds, huh?
:'''Stewart:''' Quite, quite mad.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Stewart)'' You and I have to have a word. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice and her assistant)'' I think he wants me to step outside.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is bossing everybody around, acting like he's the President of the BBC.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the &quot;Piercings Man&quot;)'' Right. You're on, mate. Come on. Get in there now. I want you in there rattling your fucking jewelry and talking about your fucking Prince Albert. Come on. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Piercings Man)'' He doesn't actually work here. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to everybody else)'' Vamoose, you lot! Fucking vamoose! ''(to Piercings Man)'' Come on, Johnny fucking Depp. Get in here. 
:'''Piercings Man:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Get off! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking shove a fucking magnet down your throat and watch your fucking face implode! Get in there! 
:''(The Piercings Man comes into the studio)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Here he is. Piercings. In you go. Sit down there, son, no problem, go ahead. 
:'''Richard:''' Now, I assume you're here for the piercings debate...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm Tucker vs. Stewart Pearson: The Spin Doctor Showdown!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Here's the fucking thing. Nobody talks about fucking dodgy donors, okay? Because it makes everybody look bad. 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, I'll go with a different angle, then. How do you think it would land with your female voters if they were to find out that Tom Rudd forced his secretary into having an abortion? 
:'''Malcolm:''' That was her own personal choice, and by the way, it wasn't his. ''(whispers)'' Over here. 
:''(Malcolm and Stewart walk away from the studio)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Wow! So him paying for a private clinic, then, was just because he's such a nice man? 
:'''Malcolm:''' He IS a nice man. What about your nice man at Central Planning, eh? The one who got a bit carried away and fucking slapped his kids about a little bit too much? Fucking broke the skin! But he wasn't such a nice man, was he? But I suppose that's just part of your &quot;common sense checklist,&quot; yeah. All they need is a good slap and do please remember to leave your fucking rings on! 
:'''Stewart:''' You go check your facts, Malcolm. That was a domestic accident and nothing more. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Domestic accident, yeah, 'cause he's got fucking hands the size of fucking doors! 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, you want to talk about hardmen, Malcolm, yeah? Now I know you've got to be hard to be a chief whip, but really, coke dealing at university? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh! Please, please! 
:'''Stewart:''' Hey, am I right in thinking he's now godfather to one of the PM's kids, yeah? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, you know what I have got at the back of my fucking filing cabinet? I've got a fucking photograph that I've been waiting for a fucking ''rainy day'' to show everyone, which is a photograph of ''your'' fucking [[wikipedia:Shadow_Chancellor_of_the_Exchequer|Shadow Chancellor]], at one of his fucking parties, dressed up in fucking bra, suspenders, and fucking ''blackface!'' What's his defence gonna be, hey, when I email that to the fucking Sun? &quot;Oh, well I am just de Shadow Chancellor&quot;?
:'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, he won't have a defense, because you haven't got that picture...
:'''Malcolm:''' I have!   
:'''Stewart:''' Because that didn't happen! However, I do have a statement from a rent boy...
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, that's very useful for you. You can claim that against your expenses, can't you? 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, yeah, funny, very funny.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you'll get that for free. Is that one of the perks of your fucking job? 
:'''Stewart:''' No, listen. His statement says...he will swear that one of your prominent back-bench MPs paid him to sit on his chest! 
:'''Malcolm:''' DON'T! &lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Stewart actually reach a compromise.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, look, this is out of order, okay? 
:'''Stewart:''' Here's the deal. We both, both make statements saying that our guys in there, they were not in possession of all the facts. Hmm? But we're looking into it. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You'd do that? Hang your own guy out to fucking dry? 
:'''Stewart:''' What? Peter Mannion, MP? Yeah! Old guard? We're not sending him to DoSac to fatten him up. We're putting him out to pasture, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We should just go home. 
:'''Stewart:''' We can do that. We can just seal this in. Contain the toxicity. Chernobyl FM. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you carry on like this and I might not find you utterly fucking contemptible. 
:'''Stewart:''' That's an incentive. I'll get my bag. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm listens to the radio as he leaves in Nicola's car.)''
:'''Richard:''' Andrew in Suffolk writes, 'The body is a temple. Temples aren't made of metal. Case closed.'
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola's driver)'' You couldn't turn that to [[wikipedia:Magic_(Radio)|Magic FM]], could you mate? Otherwise I'm gonna have to tear my eyelids off and scrunch them up into fucking earplugs.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Phil:''' You just start off about how great the City used to be, then how it's not so great now, and then end with a joke. It's the classic shit sandwich, you know: bread, shit, bread!
:'''Peter:''' Phil, if anyone bites into a shit sandwich, they don't say, 'Mmm, bread!', they say, 'Oh fuck, I've got a mouthful of shit! ''(Janice the producer shoves him into the studio)'' You mental bastard! Why have you filled my sandwich with shi–'

== Series 3, Episode 6 ==
:''(This is the opening scene of this episode.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Morning, Ollie. How's your head? Like a bat shat in it at all?
:'''Ollie:''' No, I am, if anything, Glenn, I am hung-''under.'' First DoSAC party under the new regime, you lasted 'til, I'd say, seven? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I do have a life, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but only in the way that, you know, jellyfish or athlete's foot have a life. What was it last night, then? Candlelit annivorcery dinner for one? 
:''(Terri enters the scene carrying a large plant.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Morning. 
:'''Ollie:''' Hello. (Ollie's curious...) Terri, what actually are you up to? Are you still drunk? 
:'''Terri:''' No, I had to get in early anyway, because this BBC man's coming. 
:''(Ollie notices that Terri's wearing trainers!)
:'''Ollie:''' Are you wearing trainers? You ''ARE'' wearing trainers! 
:'''Terri:''' Yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' If Signal toothpaste made trainers, that's what they'd look like.
:'''Terri:''' Well, I don't see there's any...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(pointing at Terri's trainers)'' This color for healthy breath...
:''(Nicola enters the scene, and she's...a little hungover.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Morning, morning. 
:'''Terri:''' Do please let me...
:''(Terri helps Nicola by taking her suitcase.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Thank you very much. 
:'''Terri:''' Would you like me to take your coffee? 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. I'm clinging on to that for dear life, I tell you.
:'''Terri:''' Well, it will dehydrate you. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good-o. 
:'''Ollie:''' Mojito Murray, they now call her. You know, they had to install speed bumps at the bar. She's like Gazza at Euro '96. 
:''(Ollie mimics somebody getting drunk.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' I really love the division of labour in this place. I like the way the women do the heavy lifting and the men do the heavy sarcasm. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(While Nicola is conducting an interview with a BBC reporter regarding Nicola's launch of her Fourth Sector Initiative, Glenn and Ollie are discussing the Prime Minister's world tour.)''
:'''Ollie:''' So why is the PM doing this world tour thing? What's the point of that? I mean, he's not easy on the world stage, is he? He walks like his dick's made of glass, you know? Is it a Malc plan? 
:'''Glenn:''' Could be? Or, you know, Steve Fleming's back, it could be him. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, if he's back, it really is the end, isn't it? What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' You could be a Beefeater. Do you want to be a Beefeater? 
:'''Glenn:''' Don't you worry about me, Ollie. I've got contacts. 
:'''Ollie:''' What do you mean, &quot;Don't worry about me&quot;? Are you big in Japan or something? 
:''(Glenn gives Ollie a wide, sly smile.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' What? What's that smile for? Do you need winding? 
:''(And then, Glenn shares a BIG surprise with Ollie.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm going to stand in the election. 
:'''Ollie:''' (surprised indeed) Are you...Are you serious? 
:'''Glenn:''' I should hear later today whether or not I've got enough support for the Ilford East long list. 
:'''Ollie:''' Fucking hell. You on a massive poster. What's your slogan going to be? &quot;He's old and sullen, vote for Cullen.&quot; How about that? 
:'''Glenn:''' Actually...I'm pretty excited about this. 
:'''Ollie:''' Sort of hard to take on board. It's like being told your dad's gay or something. (Glenn laughs while Ollie continues) I am strangely really proud of you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's interview didn't go as well as she wanted it to, and now...Ollie's got some more bad news for her.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Right, so Ben Swain, the man you love to hate and love to sack, actually, is on his way up.
:'''Nicola:''' Oh great, I'm flypaper for dickheads today. Right, I'm gonna get out of this funeral suit and chisel off the first three inches of makeup. ''(leaves)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(seeing Ben arrive)'' Ah, the prodigal Swain returns.
:'''Ollie:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_10|Ben 10]], [[wikipedia:Menstrual_cycle|Benstrual cycle]], [[wikipedia:Born_on_the_Fourth_of_July|Ben on the Fourth of July]]!
:'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:Polly_Put_the_Kettle_On|Ollie Put the Kettle On]], [[wikipedia:On_the_Good_Ship_Lollipop|On the Good Ship Ollie-pop]], [[wikipedia:Auld_Lang_Syne|Oll-d Lang Syne]].
:'''Ollie:''' How are things going at the Department of [[wikipedia:Tony_Blair#Leader_of_the_Opposition|Education Education Education]]?
:'''Ben:''' They're going up the fuck-pump, Ollie, mainly because you are the Robin Hood of politics.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, Robin Hood was a hero.  
:'''Ben:''' No, he was not a hero, he was a terrorist. You're just stealing from the Education Department and pumping it out as a DoSAC idea. This Back On Track Policy that you launched at your little chimps' tea party last night? Well, that sounds very similar -- ''Very, very sim'' -- Almost identical in fact -- to my Unify Policy that I ''was'' working on here until I was booted out by Knicker-Face. Right, where is Jenni Murray? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. Well, she's -- I really wouldn't go in...
:''(Ben barges in on Nicola in her office -- while she's changing her clothes!)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' OH!
:'''Ben:''' JESUS! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. She's just been doing an interview there, Ben. 
:'''Ben:''' What? An interview for what? [[wikipedia:FHM|FHM]]? What's she done to her face? She looks like a pissed Aunt Sally. 
:''(Nicola comes out of her office, and Ben tries to apologize for his rudeness.)''
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ben)'' Yeah, I really...
:'''Ben:''' I'm very sorry again...
:'''Nicola:''' Let's not talk about it ever again. 
:'''Ben:''' I will forget...
:'''Nicola:''' Right. What do you want? 
:'''Ben:''' ...everything I've seen. Now, Back On Track, it is exactly the same as my Unify Initiative. I know you don't like me, you made that as clear as fish piss by kicking me out of here 10 nanoseconds after you arrived. 
:''(Ollie's cell phone has started ringing.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's calling. I thought he was supposed to be sluicing sand out of Tom's thong in Ibiza or wherever they've got to. 
:'''Nicola:''' He is, he's away. He's in Spain. Just ignore, ignore Malcolm. 
:'''Ollie:''' Ignore Malcolm?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, what can he do?
:''(Malcolm is entering the scene on his cell phone. As he enters, he's leaving an odd message on Ollie's cell phone.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, mate. Ollie, you're not answering your phone and I'm getting really, really worried that you hurt yourself. I just keep getting these terrible images flashing in my head, you know. Of you being stabbed repeatedly in the face. Or of you in a coma on a life-support machine, dreaming about being a gay policeman in the 1970s. 
:''(But then, Malcolm looks up to see Ollie. Alive and well.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, I can explain. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Thank God that you're safe. 
:''(But just as it looks like Malcolm's getting ready to hug Ollie, Malcolm rudely holds up a mock &quot;Peace&quot; sign and points to Ollie's phone.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, [[wikipedia:Zac Efron|Cack Efron]]. ''(Malcolm then notices Ben)'' What's Giant Gaystacks doing here? 
:'''Ben:''' Um, I'm here, Malcolm, because Nicola has been nicking my policies through Ollie. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Is this true, the Little Man in the Red and Yellow Car? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I've been told by Steve Fleming to think the unthinkable.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, listen, ''I'' am telling you to ''un''-think the unthinkable – Shit, you can't even cope with thinking the thinkable.
:'''Nicola:''' Why are you even here?
:'''Terri:''' (jogging her way towards Malcolm) Hello, Malcolm. Oh, you look a bit tired. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Yeah. You look incompetent. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, tired and a wee bit grumpy. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, actually, [[wikipedia:Lucille Ball|Lucille Ballbag]], I am here to prep Nicola here for her BBC interview. 
:'''Nicola:''' A bit late for that. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm has to restart the conversation with Nicola and Terri in Nicola's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, I fucking e-mailed you and I told you to move it to later, because I wanted to administer a preparatory fucking verbal cosh. Right? 
:'''Terri:''' Well...
:'''Malcolm:''' And there it is. (Malcolm is looking at the e-mail on his cell phone.) It didn't fuck -- It didn't fucking send! 
:'''Terri:''' Ah! 
:'''Malcolm:''' It didn't send, right? 
:'''Terri:''' There you go. You just owe me an apology, that's all. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (insulted) I'm sorry? 
:'''Nicola:''' That's the one. 
:'''Malcolm:''' That wasn't an apology. That was a &quot;pardon?&quot; I'm sorry. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Why aren't you on the Tom tour, by the way? 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, I heard Steve Fleming was on the tour. Hmm. Big beast. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Tiny fucking rodent, more like. He's part of the larger problem. 
:'''Nicola:''' Which is? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Have you been at Number 10 lately? Jesus, it's like the break-up of the Beatles, right? During the fall of the Roman Empire, while fucking [[wikipedia:Katie_Price|Jordan]]'s getting divorced from [[wikipedia:Peter_Andre|that bloke]]. All happening at the same time in a tiny fucking terraced house, yeah?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, people, listen up! It's a fucking lockdown, right now!
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, come off it! We're not in a prison drama, are we?
:'''Malcolm:''' We are in a prison drama and this is the fucking [[The Shawshank Redemption|''Shawshank Redemption'']], right? But with more tunnelling through shit and no fucking redemption.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that trainers that she's wearing? ''(to Terri)'' Are you wearing fucking train– You're supposed to be a civil servant, not a fucking playgroup assistant.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' It's like wet play, isn't it?
:'''Ollie:''' Hah!
:'''Glenn''' ''(playing chess over the phone, with a miniature chessboard)'': Queen to knight 4.
:'''Ben:''' I never had you down as a chess man, Glenn, I thought you might be more the kind to play Ludo or something.
:'''Glenn:''' Do you mind?
:'''Ben:''' Oh what, can you not multitask, [[wikipedia:Deep_Blue_(chess_computer)|Deep Beige]]? ''(He and Ollie laugh)''
:'''Glenn:''' What, check? Oh, fuck you!
:'''Ben:''' Well, you know, politics is like a game of chess, Glenn, insofar as you're shit at both of them.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his mobile)'': Nicola Murray is not going to make a leadership announcement this evening. Permission to speak frankly and off the record, yeah? She's an idiot. I ''know'' that she's in the Cabinet, but look, that's like being disabled at a football match, yeah? I mean, she's very close to the action, but hardly likely to score a goal. That – No! That – How is that offensive? That is a very fair and accurate portrayal of just how fucking retarded she is.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Are you emailing? Are you stirring this up? Is that why you came into DoSAC today: did you have a big bucket of shit and a whisk?
:'''Ben:''' No. ''(beat)'' Yes, a bit.
:'''Nicola:''' What are you saying?  
:'''Ben:''' Just, you know, 'Joan Rivers wants to be the new Prime Minister. Have a look at this clip of her online, staking her bid.'
:'''Nicola:''' You treacherous shit.
:'''Ben:''' Come on, it's not my fault you've dressed up like a dead geisha.
:'''Nicola:''' Why are you doing this?
:'''Ben:''' Because I'm bored, it's funny and – and I hate you. There you are, the holy trinity of why.
:'''Nicola:''' Do you know, talking to you is like talking to a fucking whoopee cushion!
:'''Terri:''' Right. Bit of good news. 
:'''Glenn:''' What?
:'''Terri:''' ''Two'' bits, actually. Um...
:'''Malcolm:''' Enough. Can we all just shut the fuck up, okay? So we can gather our thoughts. So, one at a time. [[wikipedia:Private_Godfrey|Private Godfrey]], get to your station. ''(Glenn runs to his desk)'' I want to hear what the word is on the street.
:'''Glenn:''' All right, ''(reporting from his computer)'' 'Ben has been seen coming into DoSAC but not going out. Possibly Ben is her running mate as number two in a leadership bid.'
:'''Ben:''' Hah! Right, I don't mind going out there now and telling them all face to face just how much I hate Nicola and how unlikely that is to happen, and get myself a sandwich, I'm fucking starving –
:'''Malcolm:''' What did I just fucking say, what did I just fucking say? I said one at a fucking time. Stand up. ''(Ben does not stand)'' I'm telling you to fucking stand up, you sack of fucking cum! Stand the fuck up! ''(Ben stands)'' Fucking move, right. ''(Malcolm grabs a keyboard)'' See that? Fucking play with that, right? Never mind your fucking toys, play with that. ''(Malcolm hands Ben the keyboard and pushes him)'' Go and stand in that fucking corner. ''Stand over there, right? And do not move, or I will perform a fucking living fucking autopsy on you! With a fucking rusty spade, and I'll have your kidneys for fucking CUFFLINKS!''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ben)'' See, you? Get me a fucking [[wikipedia:Curly_Wurly|Curly Wurly]], right?
:''(Shortly afterwards, Ben gives Malcolm a Curly Wurly.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a classic Curly Wurly I wanted. A Curly Wurly should be the size of a small ladder.
:'''Ben:''' Your hands have got bigger.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' That was utterly humiliating. For fuck's sake, Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Shouldn't that be 'of fuck's sake'?
:'''Nicola:''' I don't know what you're talking about.  
:'''Malcolm:''' May I just quote it to you? 'The Prime Minister is the right man ''for'' the moment.'
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. That's what you told me to say.
:'''Malcolm''': ''Of'' the moment, ''of'' the moment, I told you to say '&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''of'' the fucking moment': there's a huge difference between me saying to you, 'Nicola, I would like to go'' for'' a lovely walk with you', and 'Nicola, I would like to make a hat out'' of'' your fucking entrails!' ''(And then, Malcolm's cell phone rings. Again.)'' Excuse me. 
:''(Who's on Malcolm's cell phone NOW?)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Steven. ''(beat)'' Yes, well you can tell Tom right now that I'm fucking sweating embryos for him, okay? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ben:''' Look at this! Takeaway and a fight. All I need now is a handjob in a bus shelter, I've had the great British night out.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Jesus, you're about as on the ball today as a dead seal!
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, that's one of my fucking lines!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Terri, I thought we had a deal, right? When I need your advice I'll give you the special signal, which is me [[wikipedia:Involuntary_commitment_internationally#United_Kingdom|being sectioned under the fucking Mental Health Act]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' How fucking dare you. Have you any idea of the amount of pressure that has been exerted on my skull, huh? It feels like my brain has been fucking emptied into little packets, into fucking crisp packets. Cheese and onion fucking crisp packets, that contain my living, breathing, fucking brain!
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm, I'm really sorry, I –
:'''Malcolm:''' ''And these crisp packets'' – cheese and onion, smoky bacon – they've been stomped on. They've been fucking stomped on! By Ben, fucking Nicola –
:'''Terri:''' I didn't mean to be horrid –
:'''Malcolm:''' AND FUCKING YOU!  
:''(long silence)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Terri:''' ''I'm'' sorry.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' sorry.
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I'm over it, okay? Don't you apologise, don't you fucking apologise, you don't need to apologise. I love this place. I do! I mean, fucking compared to Number 10, this place, this place is fucking tranquil, yeah? Over there, 300 yards down the road, I mean it's like a fucking cancer ward: I mean, there are people in there, they're fucking screaming at each other. They're screaming, 'You gave me this fucking disease. You gave me this fucking disease!' And every corner that I turn, there's another threat, Terri: hacks! Hacks, fucking vampire hacks! And they're slaughtering us, Terri, THEY ARE FUCKING SLAUGHTERING US, AND THEY WANT MY FACE FOR A FLANNEL!
:'''Terri:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you know what? I used to be the fucking pharaoh, Terri, I used to be the fucking pharaoh! Now I'm fucking floundering in a fucking Nile of shit! But I am gonna fashion a paddle out of that shit. Yeah?
:'''Terri:''' Mmm. Good idea.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not going down. I am not going down. Yeah?
:'''Terri:''' ''(whispers)'' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' How are you feeling about things?
:'''Terri:''' Well, you know, I'm just trying to do my best and, you know, make sure I can still get home by six o'clock. Do you want a huggle?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I think – That's nice of you, I really appreciate it. Terri, it's been nice to have a chat, but I've gotta get on.
:'''Terri:''' Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Let's get back on track.
:'''Terri:''' Get back on track.
:''(both leave the room)''
:'''Malcolm:''' As they say, right?
:'''Terri:''' Funny to use that phrase.
:'''Malcolm:''' All righty-o, okay, Nicola, let's see you in your office, please.
:'''Ollie:''' What did he say?
:'''Terri:''' Dunno, it was all about ancient Egypt.
:'''Ollie:''' Ancient Egypt?
:'''Terri:''' Yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's Fourth Sector Initiative launch speech has bombed...and that's not the only thing that's bombed)''
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, sorry I missed it. Did it go well? 
:'''Nicola:''' Nope. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, uh, more good news. Um...I'm afraid my chances of becoming an MP have been torpedoed...by the U-boat that was you. The selection committee decided that my association with you was too divisive. 
:'''Ollie:''' The dream is over, eh? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm devastated. I had 500 quid on you being the new Foreign Secretary. 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, it's a great loss to regional politics, for sure. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' By flying so close to your bright Sun like Icarus, I have crashed to the Earth and died. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Ladies and Gentlemen, the dirty protest is now over; please mop up your shit and fuck off home.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Make sure fucking Nicola doesn't top herself, eh?
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, sure.
:'''Malcolm:''' Make sure that Ben does.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then?
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Really, have you really, you've got plenty of options, have you? ''(Glenn nods.)'' What are those options, let's see, you can't – you can't hold a golf sale sign because of your back, you can't be a prostitute 'cause your waterworks aren't up to it, you can't be a drugs mule, 'cause of your arse, that's too slack, isn't it, so what does that leave you with, you could be – Local weatherman would be perfect; or, er, you could run a whelk stall, how about that? You could be a dinner lady or a [[wikipedia:Speed_bump#Speed_bumps|sleeping policeman]], actually on the road: just lie down, let the cars – You could become one of those people who manipulates their cock and balls into funny shapes for the paying public, it would be nice for them to have a little run out. Or, you could just basically walk into a hospice, and wait to kark it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, Cack Efron. It's a coded message basically telling you that, if you ignore me or my fucking calls again, I'll fucking rip your head off, right? I'll fucking plant a palm tree in your neck, and I'll fuck you fucking tenderly in its shade!
:'''Ollie:''' I can tell you've been away, your threats are including palm trees now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ, [[Crosby, Stills &amp; Nash|Crosby, Still, Nash and fucking Young]] – Look at the lot of you, it's like walking into an installation at the [[wikipedia:Tate_Britain|Tate Gallery]] that everybody's forgotten about.

==Series 3, Episode 7==
:''(At the start of this episode, Nicola and her team are getting ready to launch DoSAC's Healthy Choices Campaign. The scene starts with a delivery man delivering big bottles of water.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to the delivery man, chuckling)'' Oh, that's great. Don't know why we've ordered so much water. We've all got rabies. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' So, basically, just get crisps shaped like rockets, rainbow-colored ice cream, you know the stuff that all the other kids have at their parties. 
:''(MORE big bottles of water!)''
:'''Glenn:''' (surprised) Blimey! More? What are we doing? Opening a dolphinarium?  
:'''Nicola:''' (off her phone) Good. Sorted. So...Sorry about that. Where were we? 
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, healthy eating. 
:'''Terri:''' Beneficial Lifestyle Choices. 
:'''Ollie:''' Get in! 
:'''Glenn:''' What?
:'''Ollie:''' (happily) I've just landed Andy Murray. 
:'''Nicola:''' YAY! That's brilliant! Andy Murray? 
:'''Ollie:''' I've definitely got Andy Murray! 
:'''Nicola:''' Andy Murray, the face of Healthy Choices. 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, all right. 
:'''Terri:''' The tennis player?
:'''Ollie:''' (sarcastically) No, the fucking pianist. 
:'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray ''NETS'' Andy Murray! 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, we both netted him together. 
:'''Terri:''' Are you sure you want him? 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, yeah! 
:'''Terri:''' Murray? ''(beat)'' Doesn't it sound like nepotism? 
:'''Nicola:''' (Not appreciating Terri's criticism) Like, in the way people think Russ and Diane Abbott are related? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Terri:''' Possibly.
:'''Glenn:''' And Bill Murray's her father? 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, I'll level with you. I don't like him. 
:'''Nicola:''' (annoyed) Who would you suggest then, Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' Paula Radcliffe. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''Pooey Paula?'' That's not healthy. Shitting in your own pants, that's definitely not a healthy image. 
:'''Glenn:''' She could demonstrate how to do the Hop, Shit and Jump.
:'''Terri:''' That is very unfair. It only happened once. 
:'''Ollie:''' Once is all you need! Imagine if Bruce Forsyth, beginning of ''Strictly Come Dancing...'' (Ollie pretends to poop) &quot;There we go!&quot; You'd never hear the end of that. And quite rightly! 
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, can we move on from your hatred of Andy Murray, and can we start trailing a major DoSAC initiative? Now, don't give any details at this stage. Just say it's major TBA. 
:'''Terri:''' TBA? 
:'''Nicola:''' To be announced. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, just...
:'''Nicola:''' It's really self-defeating if I have to explain abbreviations to you.
:'''Terri:''' Sure, sure...
:'''Nicola:''' FFS. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What's FFS? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Oh, we're gonna need Malcolm clearance, Ollie. Okay? ''(to Glenn)'' Glenn, can you get rid of all this water as well? It looks like something out of fucking [[wikipedia:Doctor Who|Doctor Who]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, Malcolm is at home serving Indian food to some journalists.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Here they come, it's the [[wikipedia:Flying_Scotsman|Flying Scots-curry-man]]. ''(sings)'' 'Where's your pappadam?' You have got to try this aubergine, it's cooked in [[wikipedia:Ghee|ghee]], right? I fucking love ghee, it's like fucking [[wikipedia:Free_base|freebasing]] butter. Have some more wine, come on, get quaffing. ''(mobile rings)'' Christ, here we go. ''(answers)'' No, we don't do takeaway, right? ''(all laugh, as Malcolm walks away)'' Listen, see, if this is recorded spam, I'm gonna hunt you down and burst your fucking lungs.
:'''Ollie''' ''(at his desk)'': Where actually are you, Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm on holidays!
:'''Ollie:''' ''Where'' are you on holiday, where?
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, OK, I'm in Thailand, in a sex spa. About to get a fucking facial.
:'''Ollie:''' Right, quick summary: [[Andy Murray]], famous tennis player, also lovely Scotch person, face of Healthy Lifestyle Choices. Nicola Murray, slightly panicky, er, minister-lady: wonder if that's OK with you?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah yeah, Andy Murray, yeah, Andy Pandy, fucking Gandhi having a hand-shandy, whatever, just, you know, fuck off out of my life, OK?
:'''Ollie:''' Okey dokey! ''(hangs up. To Nicola and Glenn)'' [[wikipedia:Del_Monte_Foods#Pop_culture_references|The man from Hell Monte, he say 'Fucking aye'!]]&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' (apologizing to his guests) Sorry about that. Everybody's heard about the cooking, so it's...
:'''Geoffrey:''' So, Malcolm, what's all this about?
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that these are hard times for print journalists, yeah? I mean, I read that on the internet. I mean, one day you're writing for the papers and the next you're sleeping under them.
:'''Marianne:''' What, so this is like Malcolm Tucker's Soup Kitchen? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it is, kind of, in a way. I just think that you should have one big square meal before you end up fucking living off white lightning in your own feces. Come on, get stuck in. I'll dish it up for you. 
:'''Marianne:''' What about Tom bringing back Steve Fleming? Kind of makes you old news, doesn't it? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' You repositioning yourself, Malcolm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is about a guy sharing his ghee. That's it. Okay? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' So you're not currying favor, then? 
:''(Marianna starts laughing at Geoffrey's joke.)''
:'''Marianne:''' (laughing) Sorry...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoffrey, jokingly)'' Fuck you. Get out of my house. Get out of my fucking house. That's it. I know...I mean, no wonder nobody's fucking buying your paper. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Nicola, Glenn, Terri and Ollie are still getting over Malcolm being on holiday.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' He's really on holiday? 
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm hasn't been on holiday for 10 years. 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's got to keep moving or he's dead. He's like a shark of [[wikipedia:Bob Dylan|Bob Dylan]]. 
:'''Terri:''' Well, who's driving the bus? 
:''(Steve Fleming enters the office and starts greeting the staff.)'' 
:'''Steve Fleming:''' Morning! Morning, DoSAC.
:'''Glenn:''' Oh.
:'''Nicola:''' Bollocky bollocks. It's the [[A Christmas Carol|Ghost of Christmas Shit]].
:'''Glenn:''' There's your answer, Terri: that's the man driving the bus, that's [[wikipedia:Reg_Varney|Reg bloody Varney]]. All stops to electoral oblivion, ding ding.
:'''Nicola:''' Get in my office, come on. It'll buy us a bit of time.
:''(They all do so, as Steve continues to move towards them.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Come on, have a look.
:'''Ollie:''' I've never seen Steve Fleming in the flesh.
:'''Nicola:''' You're lucky.
:'''Ollie:''' For a man who brought us back into power, he's not very imposing, is he? He's like a Lego policeman.
:'''Nicola:''' Look at him. Super Mario.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve joyfully enters Nicola's office with cups of coffee for her and her team.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Morning, campers! 
:'''Nicola:''' Steve Fleming! 
:''(Nicola and Steve shake hands, BUT...)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Oh, no. 
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. Oh! Okay...
:''(At Steve's insistence, he gives Nicola a HUG! Fun for Steve...but not so much for Nicola.)''  
:'''Steve:''' (happily) Hello, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Hi. 
:'''Steve:''' You look like you've lost some weight. 
:'''Nicola:''' (surprised) Do I? 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah! 
:'''Nicola:''' I don't think so, but...
:'''Steve:''' (very pleased) Oh, I think so, yes. No, your face looks quite gaunt. Muscly. 
:'''Nicola:''' Does it now? 
:'''Steve:''' Anyway, I come bearing caffeinated gifts. 
:''(Steve presents the cups of coffee, and the team is appreciative of his gesture. Then, Steve gets down to business.)''
:'''Steve:''' I'm gonna cut to the chase. I need you to publish...all the crime stats since 2004 as an accompaniment to our Transparent Government launch. From 2004 up to the last quarter. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, we are just about to launch, um, Healthy Choices. ''With'' Andy Murray. 
:'''Steve:''' Andy Murray! Whoa! (Steve mimes a tennis volley.) Ace! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Steve)'' Good joke. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' We'll make a Minister of you yet. 
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, after that, we can try and get you something for, say, end of the week? 
:'''Steve:''' After? Why after? Why not right alongside? Or, here's a thought...Before.
:'''Nicola:''' Because we're under-resourced and it's not a priority. 
:'''Steve:''' The PM thinks it is a priority. It can be done. ''(beat)'' Oh, I seem to have reached the end of my argument. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay. Well, look, um, why don't we say Thursday lunchtime. Okay? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, you've got Fran's leaving lunch on Thursday. 
:'''Nicola:''' I have got a lunch. Thursday afternoon. 
:'''Steve:''' (still smiling) Yes, I don't give a fuck about Fran's leaving lunch. I'm saying ''Now now now now now now now now. Now!'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay. Chillax. We're on the case, Steve. 
:'''Steve:''' Lovely. Thank you very much. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good. Okay. Well, it's a delight to see you again. 
:'''Steve:''' Oh! 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, I get another one. 
:''(Another awkward hug between Steve and Nicola.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' (jokingly) Mind my gaunt face. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to the whole team)'' Bye-bye.
:'''Nicola's team:''' Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(After their first meeting with Steve Fleming...)''  
:'''Ollie:''' What do you call that? Obsessive Repulsive Disorder, I would say.
:'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna ring Malcolm. Holiday or no holiday, I'm gonna ring Malcolm about this.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(impersonating Steve)'' 'Caffeinated gifts!'
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm never brought us coffee. I like him.
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, well you like bath salts, you're basically an idiot.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at Malcolm's house with the journalists...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So everybody's for coffee, yeah? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm sorry I can't do espressos. But I've made this so thick and black, it'll be like fucking drinking plimsolls. 
:'''Marianne:''' This Steve Fleming thing is gonna end in tears, isn't it? I mean, you sacked him last time. 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right. Right. Okay. Off the record. Right? Okay? While Steven is a useful tool, and I do emphasize the word &quot;useful&quot; here, I'm still running the show. Right? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' If you're still running the show, why do you need to tell us? 
:''(Malcolm calmly -- but still menacingly -- walks up to Geoffrey, with the pot of coffee still in his hand.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (calmly) Geoffrey, all I'm saying is this: It would be very much fucking appreciated if you could emphasize the fact that I'm at the heart of the government. Because it's fucking true. I am the heart. I am the ventricles. And the fucking aorta. 
:'''Marianne:''' (chuckling) Malcolm, we get it. You're still the star of the show. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not for me to say, darling. 
:'''Geoffrey:''' No, you're still the star of the show. Yeah, until they start wheeling out the celebrities. What's next, Malcolm? Ant and Dec as the new fucking litter tsars? That's when you know you're 20 points behind in the polls. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well, thank you very much, Mr. Fucking Prick Robinson. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's getting a phone call from a certain someone...)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Nicola, it's your nephew on the phone.
:'''Nicola:''' What?
:'''Terri:''' Your nephew. Andy Murray. 
:'''Nicola:''' (Very excited) Fuck! On the line, now? ''OH, MY GOD! It's Andy Murray on the line!'' What line? 
:'''Terri:''' Press two. 
:'''Nicola:''' He's not there, Terri! Fuck's sake! 
:'''Terri:''' Maybe it was three. 
:'''Nicola:''' God, it drives me insane! Is he there now? 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, yeah. Hang on, let me just get him off hold. 
:'''Nicola:''' It really pisses me off! The fucking phones in this whole -- Andy! Hello! It's Nicola Murray, yes! What a delight to talk to you! 
:''(While NICOLA Murray's chatting on the phone with ANDY Murray, Ollie gets a call on his cell phone from Malcolm.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Hi, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Andy Murray. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, good. We are literally confirming him as we speak. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ditch him. We can't go with celebrities. Right? It's just gonna look bad. 
:'''Ollie:''' Why? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We're gonna look desperate, all right? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, uh...Steve Fleming likes the idea. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Never mind what Mummy says. Just do what Daddy says, right? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, whilst you're on, um, just, um...there's another thing. Uh, Mummy has asked us to publish the crime stats as part of the Transparent Government initiative. Is that all right with Daddy?
:'''Malcolm:''' It's fine. 
:'''Ollie:''' Really? Because, um, Nicola's got that baffled, panicky look like a child on the ghost train. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Give me a second while I look up my little file of things I really don't give a fuck about. And here we have under the letter N, we've got &quot;nail-bombing golf clubs,&quot; there is, uh, the National Trust, there is Newcastle...Nicola Murray. Yes. She's still there. So fucking can Andy Murray and just get on with the fucking crime stats. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(still on the phone with Andy)'' I'll make sure Kate liaises with my press whiz kid, uh, Terri Coverley. She's a woman. But listen, if there is anything else we can do for you, ''please'' don't hesitate to call. Dare I say it, we are ''here to serve'', (laughing) if you'll excuse the pun. All right, Andy. Take care. Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(But now, Ollie has to give Nicola the bad news...)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm says we have to drop him. 
:'''Nicola:''' (in disbelief) What? 
:'''Ollie:''' Andy. He's not in, he's now out. Apparently, according to Malcolm, sent to bed without any barley water. 
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, he's a fucking tennis player! We're not asking Shane MacGowan! ''Why?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' It's nothing personal. He just said bringing in celebrities looks desperate. He said it's the sign of a dying government. 
:'''Nicola:''' We are a dying government! Our hair's falling out, and we're coughing up blood, and our kids are asking us to change the will! 
:'''Ollie:''' Look, he was quite clear about this. He said just, you know, kill it. Kitten, breeze block, sack, canal. 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, I can imagine him being clear about it. Right. We've gotta get on to -- ''(to Terri)'' ''You've'' gotta get on to...
:'''Terri:''' Me? 
:'''Nicola:''' ...Andy Murray's people and find a polite way of saying, &quot;Piss off, Andy. Apparently, you're too well-known to front our public awareness campaign.&quot; 
:'''Terri:''' Right. 
:''(But Glenn has some GOOD news on the crime stats.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Right! Good news is I have done all that pile and that's in the system. 
:'''Ollie:''' Excellent. 
:'''Glenn:''' (stretching his back) Oh, fuck me! 
:''(But then, Glenn sees a trolley-full of more crime stats headed his way!)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''What the hell's THIS?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' It appears to be a trolley-full of crime stats. 
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;Vandalism?&quot; &quot;Bicycle theft?&quot; Oh, this is ridiculous! 
:''(And just when he says THAT, Glenn kicks open a box of crime stats!)''
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that's given us an unexpected head start, well done. I would kill you but I'd have to add you to the fucking figures.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Think about what you're gonna say. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah. Okay, I've done that. 
:'''Nicola:''' What? Already? Is that enough time? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Kate. Hello. Uh, Terri Coverley. Yes. Yeah, we're thrilled about Andy being on board. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Get on with it. 
:'''Terri:''' (stammering) No. I'm not actually saying that it's...
:''(Nicola then sees Steve Fleming entering the room. Again.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' (still whispering) Shit! End the call. End the call. It's Mustache Sally. Fleming! Steve Fleming's here! Put the phone down! 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ah, Nicola Murray! How are the crime stats coming along? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's not easy, Steve, as you can see. But Glenn and Ollie are on top of it. 
:'''Ollie:''' &quot;Other theft?&quot; What the fuck is other theft? 
:'''Glenn:''' I don't know what other theft is. 
:'''Steve:''' If you want to stay late, or pull an all-nighter, if you think it'd help –
:'''Glenn:''' You want us to work all through the night on this?
:'''Steve:''' It would be very much appreciated upstairs.
:'''Ollie:''' Hah, well: I'm an atheist.
:'''Steve:''' ''(laughs)'' By the Prime Minister. I did get the joke, by the way.
:'''Ollie''' ''(mouthing)'': Well done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is back from holiday in this scene, and he's having a warm and friendly chat with his loyal assistant, Sam.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (happily) Good morning, good morning, good morning! I'm back! I'm sorry I left my sombrero at home, but here I am. What do you think of the tan, huh? What do you think of this shade? I call it &quot;Custard Cancer.&quot; (Malcolm gets a delivery.) Oh, thank you very much. 
:'''Sam:''' Where did you go? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I went to, um, Easter Island. I thought I'd spend my time there re-chiseling all the statues, so that they'd look like Westlife. How about a coffee? 
:'''Sam:''' Oh, I've sent you a link to Andy Murray's website. There's, uh, something you should see. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's website? 
:''(While Sam leaves Malcolm's office to get him a cup of coffee, Malcolm reads about the big news on Andy Murray's website...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy says, &quot;Just agreed to lead the government's Healthy Choices campaign. Eat, live, be well.&quot; Fuck a Pot Noodle. 
:''(Uh-oh...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, prepare my horse. I ride – to DoSAC!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Hello, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' Morning, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Who am I, Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' You're Nicola? Nicola Murray? 
:''(Nicola nods her head &quot;Yes.&quot;)''
:'''Terri:''' Ah. Secretary of State for...
:'''Nicola:''' That's right. I'm Secretary of State. So why has a sports personality launched my policy on his fucking website? 
:'''Terri:''' Ah! No, I know. I know exactly why that is. 
:'''Nicola:''' You didn't make the phone call, did you? 
:'''Terri:''' Well, uh, yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' Nicola, um, in other really bad news -- Good morning, by the way. 
:'''Glenn:''' (on the phone) This is about the crime stats, yeah? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, some of the crime stats that we published, as it turns out, were unverified and not ready for being in the public domain. Uh, Marianne Swift from ''The Mail...''
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, Swine-Face Swift. 
:'''Ollie:''' That's the one. She noticed, uh, a drop in the figures for aggravated burglary in the last quarter. Whereas when she checked it out...
:'''Nicola:''' There was no drop. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Right. So Swine-Face Swift and her piggy hack-hog colleagues...
:'''Ollie:''' Exactly. So we're getting a lot of, uh, oinking on the phones. So basically what that means is that the department -- well, essentially the royal you, um, seem to have massaged the crime figures. 
:'''Nicola:''' Great. Thank you, Steve fucking &quot;Ew, Nicola!&quot; Fleming! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yup. He is a fucking...ninny, isn't he?
:'''Nicola:''' Bring my dispatch boxes. 
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is, [[wikipedia:Bob_Carolgees|Bob Carolgees]]; how's the wee comedy dog?
:'''Steve:''' Welcome back. Good holiday? I hear your kitchen's lovely at this time of year.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well actually, I went to Spain.
:'''Steve:''' Oh, nice.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah, I went to Malaga, it was lovely. I was golfing with [[Stephen Hawking]], he's fucking shit. He lied about his handicap. Mind you, I never had to hire a golf buggy, I just sat in his lap.
:'''Steve:''' Please. Why do we have to be like this? All this negative energy. Come on! 
:'''Malcolm:''' What?
:'''Steve:''' Well, we've got to work together. So, you know...
:'''Malcolm:''' So what? I mean, that doesn't mean we have to like each other, does it? 
:'''Steve:''' No, I mean...
:''(Someone's trying to get past Malcolm and Steve.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the passer-by)'' Sorry. (He politely lets him pass through.) 
:'''Steve:''' We both know we don't like each other, everyone knows that, we are the Gallagher brothers of politics.
:'''Malcolm:''' How does that work? Does that mean that I'm [[Noel Gallagher|the semi-talented songwriter]] and you're [[Liam Gallagher|the fucking loutish prick]]? That's a lovely analogy.
:'''Steve:''' You were the one who forced me out of the sodding band. ''(chuckles)'' Come on, let's have a chat.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Steve continue their unfriendly chat in an office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You were asked to leave the fucking band. And you wouldn't fucking go, would you? You had to hang on in there, like a [[wikipedia:Limpet|limpet]] up a whale's arse.
:'''Steve:''' Why do you thrive so much on being disliked?
:'''Malcolm:''' People hate me? Good! Bring it on. Do you know what they say about you?
:'''Steve:''' I'm sure you're going to tell me, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you ''exactly'' what people think about you!
:'''Steve:''' All right, go on then!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Fuck-all!!''
:'''Steve:''' Oh, do they? ''FUCK-ALL?''
:'''Malcolm:''' People have ''no'' fucking opinion about you! You're like fucking [[wikipedia:Special K|Special K]] or fucking the Moody Blues. That's you, fucking white noise in the background—Funny? Is that funny? Do you find that funny?
:'''Steve:''' No, I don't find anything you're saying funny whatsoever. And I'll tell you a home truth, Malcolm Tucker: The people who are really hated in this country, the people who are really hated, are us. This government. How about we stand together? Let's both be team players, shall we? 
:''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone beeps.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Were you the Einstein that OK'd this fucking Andy Murray thing at DoSAC? Because I've got ''The Telegraph'' on here. (Steve's cell phone then beeps.) And you've probably got ''The Times'' asking why the budget's been pre-announced on Twitter by fucking Ryan Giggs. 
:'''Steve:''' (looking at his cell phone) Shit! &quot;The last quarter's crime stats, which DoSAC have published, are unconfirmed projections.&quot; Shit! 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's DoSAC for you. 
:'''Steve:''' Come on, Malcolm. Team players!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Bring me sunshine.
:''(Both men leave the office.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at DoSAC, Glenn, Ollie &amp; Terri are on their desk phones, trying to get a better handle on the news of the moment.)''
:'''Glenn:''' (on his phone) No, we're not manipulating the figures. Somebody quite simply made a mistake. No. No, I couldn't possibly say who. 
:'''Ollie:''' (on his phone) Glenn Cullen. Glenn with one, one N. 
:'''Terri:''' (on her phone) We have actually decided to go in a different direction from Andy. 
:''(Steve and Malcolm have entered the room, both making a beeline for Nicola's office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Good holiday? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you fucking hairdresser. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Got any photos? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got a photo of you in a minute with your cock nailed to the desk. Hey, you want to see something that's truly worth photographing? Look at Steve Fleming at work, eh? That's the real master of spin. He's [[wikipedia:Jimi Hendrix|Spinny fucking Hendrix]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Steve &amp; Malcolm are confronting Nicola in her office...much to Nicola's dismay...)''
:'''Steve:''' Nicola, you and your department have screwed up!
:'''Malcolm''' ''(entering)'': I'd like to agree with the previous speaker, only adding the words 'fucking royally'.
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Jesus, am I being gang-bollocked?
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's [[wikipedia:Tim_Henman|Henman]]-fisting us in the press. We can't have that –
:'''Steve:''' Well, with undue respect, Malcolm, the crime stats cock-up is a much bigger deal.
:'''Nicola:''' This is such a great double act, isn't it? Good Cock, Bad Cock!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you what, why don't you go first, mate? I need a wazz. ''(leaves)''
:'''Steve:''' I like you, Nicola, I quite like you. But darling, I've gotta ask you, what the bloody hell happened?
:'''Nicola:''' Like you asked, we published the crime figures from 2004 up to the last quarter.
:'''Steve:''' Yes, up to the last quarter but not up to and ''INCLUDING the last quarter, you dozy mare!''
:'''Nicola:''' 'Up to' includes the thing you're going up to. Right? If you say count up to 20, it means count up to ''and include'' the number 20!
:'''Steve:''' The events leading up to the Second World War do ''not'' include the Second World War!
:'''Nicola:''' We haven't got time for a semantic argument about this.
:''(Malcolm returns.)''
:'''Steve:''' Listen, sweetheart –
:'''Nicola:''' ''Do not'' fucking call me sweetheart!
:'''Malcolm:''' I think you'll find that Steve was addressing me: the 'tache is a bit of a giveaway.
:'''Steve:''' I will draft a statement.
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking will not draft any fucking statement!
:'''Steve:''' I've been minding the shop!
:'''Malcolm:''' You were fucking minding the shop, and what happened? A bunch of fucking schoolkids came in and fucking dropped their trousers and fucking had a shit in aisle 5!
:'''Steve:''' Well thank you for giving us a guided tour around the Freudian nightmare of your head!
:'''Nicola:''' Could you two decide between you in which order, and from which direction, I'm gonna be shafted?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Steve are playing a &quot;Tug of War&quot; of sorts for Nicola's attention.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ignore him. Just come with me. Come into my office. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Let's deal with the crime stats...
:''(But Malcolm successfully brings Nicola into his &quot;office...&quot; and shuts Steve out.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' (knocking on the door) Come on. Malcolm. Malcolm. MALCOLM! (Steve starts laughing uncomfortably) Sorry about this, everybody. 
:''(Malcolm is happy to shut out Steve, but he's still visibly annoyed.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Goodbye. Give my regards to the rest of the fucking Village People. 
:''(But then, Terri knocks on the office door.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' (outside the door) Sorry, Nicola, Mal--um, excuse me. It's Andy Murray. He's-he's insisting on talking to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Talk to him. 
:'''Nicola:''' What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get him back on board. Fucking talk to him. 
:'''Nicola:''' NO! 
:'''Malcolm:''' (whispering) Yes. 
:'''Nicola:''' You cannot be serious! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Was that an attempt at a joke? 
:'''Nicola:''' You told me to kill it! I've killed it!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right now, some photos in the papers of a very boring man with tight white shorts on is gonna be a very pleasant distraction from Steve's fucking crime stats abortion. 
:'''Nicola:''' If we need a fucking celebrity, can we try somebody else? Steve Redgrave. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a boring fuck! 
:'''Nicola:''' Lewis Hamilton. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fucking boring, boring fuck. And fucking drives a car. 
:'''Nicola:''' Chris Boardman. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fucking cyclist! Are you fucking mental? ''Everybody'' hates cyclists! Even fucking cyclists hate fucking cyclists! Plus, ''he's'' a boring fuck! 
:'''Nicola:''' I cannot...
:'''Terri:''' (''still'' outside the office) Paula Radcliffe? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, she shat in the street! 
:'''Malcolm:''' And she's a boring fuck as well. 
:'''Nicola:''' How about we just launch the policy without a celebrity? 
:'''Malcolm:''' (sarcastically) Oh, great idea. &quot;Hello, there. Hi, everyone. I, Nicola Murray, would like to say to you that even though you don't fucking know me from fucking Adam, I think you should cut down on carbs.&quot; 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Steve is trying to turn a negative into a positive. He wants to get Glenn and Ollie to fix the crime stats crisis.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Lads, let's get this crime stats cock-up sorted. What have you both got so far? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, actually, now we've been trying to think of a replacement for Andy Murray. Some of the women footballers...uh, Jessica Clark, or Sue Smith. Or Faye White. 
:''(Steve's starts smiling, but he's getting annoyed.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' I ''cannot believe'' the energy going into Andy Murray! (Starts laughing again) I can't! 
:''(Steve starts leaving DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What's his problem.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is talking on his cell phone while heading to his office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Just try and wrap your gin-addled brain about this, right? I ''did'' say I was at the heart of government. But when...
:''(Steve Fleming is already in Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (on his phone) Excuse me. 
:'''Steve:''' I need to talk to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Steve)'' One second, please. ''(back to his phone)'' Listen, when that...When that incident occurred, I was on holiday. Are you saying to me that my wee caravan's a great fucking waste of time? And my stupid fucking wing mirror extensions? 
:'''Steve:''' (pointing to the TV) The crime stats and Andy Murray, Malc. It's a double fault. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering a knock at his door)'' Listen, if you are not a prostitute or a pizza guy, fuck off! ''(to Steve)'' Steve, listen, could you eat or fuck whatever's at the door on your fucking way out, please? ''(to a colleague)'' No thanks. ''(back on his phone)'' How can I be held responsible? What, for what? I've created a what around the government? I've created a vibe? Listen, son, the only fucking vibe you have to worry about is the one that your wife hides in her knicker drawer. ''(back to Steve)'' I am on top of this, okay? 
:'''Steve:''' Oh, fine, fine. You know, I'm just saying I'll gladly lend you a hand if you feel the need to keep your head down. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't need to keep my head down, because unlike yourself, I don't give blowjobs to truckers. 
:''(Another knock at Malcolm's office door...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I SAID FUCK OFF! 
:''(The door opens, and -- SURPRISE! It's Julius Nicholson!)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's Lord Nicholson! What an enormous pleasure this is! 
:'''Julius:''' (with a big smile) Well, in fact, it's, um, the Right Honorable the Lord Nicholson of Arnage. And the kissing of feet may commence! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You got all your stuff ready for your official lording ceremony? Have you got your mink thong and your ermine colostomy bag? 
:'''Julius:''' No, I don't, no. I have to hire that, unfortunately. I can't wear it on the Tube or the bus, but I would. It would be great larks, but there we go. 
:'''Steve:''' How about a coffee? Coffee? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, um, if there's coffee going, I'd never say no to a nice cup of coffee. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you not drink coffee anymore? Is it all port and swan's blood these days? 
:'''Julius:''' Swan's blood. That does sound nice. No, I'm just sort of passing through, because obviously we need to start booting up this crime stats inquiry. But it's in effect an investigation into the facts. But I thought since I was passing through...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but you don't have to talk to me about that, do you? 'Cause I was on my holidays then. Did you get my postcard? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, I will speak to whomsoever I need to speak to, holiday or no holiday? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Where did you learn to speak like that? Is there a special school that's just you and Brian Sewell went to? 
:'''Julius:''' I'm gonna leave you to it, frankly. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So soon? 
:'''Steve:''' And I'm gonna make tracks as well, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, good to see you both. 
:''(But just before Steve leaves...)''
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm, softly)'' The problem is that you are shifting from the man people love to hate to the man people just hate. From [[wikipedia:Simon Cowell|Simon Cowell]] to [[wikipedia:Piers Morgan|Piers Morgan]]. 
:'''Malcolm:''' See you later, and remember, my door's always open. 
:''(And when Steve leaves, Malcolm throws part of the bagel sandwich he was eating onto the door in disgust.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Ollie are reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I had no idea, no idea that it was Malcolm who drafted Fleming's resignation letter in 2003.
:'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of [[The Economist]].
:'''Ollie:''' Hey! There's a reference to you here, Cullen.
:'''Glenn:''' Where?
:'''Ollie:''' 'Alleged to have assaulted an elderly aide at a party conference.'
:'''Glenn:''' Elderly aide?
:'''Ollie:''' Elderly aide.
:'''Glenn:''' God, that makes me sound like a fucking stairlift!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm sees Nicola outside his office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, [[wikipedia:Dora the Explorer|Dora the Explorer]].
:'''Nicola:''' (sighing) Still here, then, Malcolm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Time for a milky drink? Come on. Come on in. I wanna have a word with you.
:''(Nicola reluctantly comes into Malcolm's office...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go. How was Cabinet? Was it good? Is Tom looking after you? 
:'''Nicola:''' You're all over the newspapers like a pissing puppy, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think you'll find that's what we masters of the dark arts call a blip. Tomorrow that will all be old news. It'll be like the fucking [[wikipedia:The War of the Roses|War of the Roses]]. Or [[wikipedia:AIDS|AIDS]]. Remember AIDS? Listen, Nicola, see that? Did Julius mention to you about his inquiry? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' The inquiry into the whole fucking crime stats cock-up? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know the phone call that came through to me from your office? You know, about the whole idea? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It didn't happen, right? 
:'''Nicola:''' You want me to cover your back?
:'''Malcolm:''' I want you to get the old inquiry screen out and slap it on, fucking factor 50, why not? Listen, I'll tell you what. This is what I'll do. I will get for you some really good press attention for your fucking Healthy Choices nonsense. How about that? I'll get you some big fucking healthy headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' You're in no position to give me anything. You're not -- you can't even get a fucking bagel cleaned up off your door. Do you mind? 
:''(Nicola gets ready to leave Malcolm's office, but he's still trying to talk to her.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? Do you think I can't get it up anymore? Is that it? You're looking at fucking Lazarus, sweetheart. And not just plain Lazarus. I'm fucking self-raising Lazarus, right? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm has organised positive press coverage of DoSAC's Healthy Lifestyles policy)''
:'''Glenn:''' Well done Malcolm.
:'''Ollie:''' He's very impressive, isn't he? In the way that, you know, [[Mao Zedong|Chairman Mao]] was actually quite impressive.
:'''Glenn:''' Well that's the thing about the evil, isn't it, their amazing work ethic.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' How are the hacks?
:'''Steve:''' Ready to eat their own cocks.
:'''Malcolm:''' They're only journalists, Steve, not fucking [[wikipedia:Rangers_F.C.|Rangers]] supporters.
:'''Steve:''' I know they are.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, I need 10 minutes. I need to google some jokes about Andy Murray. 
:'''Steve:''' Shall I go first?
:'''Malcolm:''' Warm them up. Tell them [[wikipedia:Laurence Olivier|Olivier]] is on his way, but in the meantime, here's an audience with [[wikipedia:Peter Bowles|Peter fucking Bowles]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(A short time later, Malcolm spots Julius again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is. Screaming Lord Crutch. I like the flunkies, by the way. That's a very nice touch. It's a wee bit [[wikipedia:Graham Norton|Graham Norton]]. 
:'''Julius:''' Don't needle me, Malcolm. Not when people are under scrutiny.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' under scrutiny? 
:'''Julius:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm fucking Nosferatu. That's really fucking scary. 
:'''Julius:''' (unimpressed) I'm walking on. We're moving on. I'm Ian Botham. I'm walking on for hospice care. 
:''(And then, Malcolm sees Nicola...and he sneaks over to her when nobody's looking.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' How's it going with Lord Bonnie Longford? 
:'''Nicola:''' I've not been in yet. I've just been standing here for 20 minutes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So IF this phone call does come up...
:'''Julius''' (Seeing what Malcolm's up to) No! No, that's not...
:'''Nicola:''' You're nothing if not persistent, are you, Malcolm? 
:''(Julius breaks up the conversation.)''
:'''Julius:''' Don't do that! I made it quite clear... 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' I was standing over there and I thought, &quot;Nicola's choking.&quot; But she wasn't. She was laughing, retrospectively, at your massive shiny head. ''(to Steve)'' Oh, what happened? Did you get heckled off? What was the line? &quot;Taxi for [[Tom Selleck]]!&quot;
:'''Steve:''' Yeah. Could I have a quick word? Just...just five minutes. 
:''(Steve takes Malcolm into the office to have a private chat.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' So, Malcolm, mate. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What is it? What's...What's the problem? You look like you fucking coughed up your own twin. 
:''(An awkward silence...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, no...I need to talk to Tom. 
:'''Steve:''' No, Tom isn't immediately available to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. 
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm, the Prime Minister respects you enormously. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (on his cell phone) Sam, get a hold of Pat, right...
:''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone shuts off.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Actually, I'm gonna need that. That's an official Blackberry. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (answering a door knock) Fuck off! 
:''(Julius enters the office.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right. Your five minutes starts now. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Julius)'' This is an acutely private moment, Julius. Would it seem terribly rude if I asked you to ''shit off'' for five minutes? 
:'''Julius:''' Yes, it would. 
:''(And now, Nicola enters the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Can you fuck off as well? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius, what -- ''(to Malcolm)'' Sorry, excuse me? ''(back to Julius)'' Julius, what is the deal? 
:'''Julius:''' At ''the moment'', Malcolm is getting ''The Sack.'' 
:'''Nicola:''' (stunned) Shit. Now? Literally? I mean, in -- I'm actually in the sacking? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Yeah, well, let's see what the fucking Prime Minister has to say about that! Huh? Let's see what he has to say! 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Listen to me a minute! The Prime Minister supports you fully in whatever you decide to do next. 
:''(Steve presents Malcolm with a pen and paper, in effect asking for his resignation.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You. Fucking Nicola. Right, tell them. Fucking tell them that there was no fucking phone call. ''(beat)'' Speak! I fucking ask you, speak! Open Sesame! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not, I'm not here, Malcolm. I'm not...
:'''Malcolm:''' You are fucking here! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not seeing this. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Open your fucking mouth for once and say something!
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not getting involved. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking speak! You've always fucking got something to say! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm only a Cabinet Minister! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off, then! 
:''(Nicola runs out of Number 10.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Malc, Malc –
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking touch me!
:'''Steve:''' Come on, Malc!
:'''Malcolm:''' You cannot fuck me! You cannot fuck me! I am unfuckable! I have never been fucked! And if you fucking try and fuck me, you'll find my fucking arse will fucking grow fucking fangs! 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah, all right, now come and listen to me! Will you listen to me –  
:'''Malcolm:''' And fucking snap your fucking cock off –
:'''Steve:''' MALCOLM TUCKER, WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME?!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead. Yeah, let's hear it, let's hear it.
:'''Steve:''' Listen to me for one second.
:'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead.
:'''Steve:''' I wouldn't tell ''you'' what I've just told you ''before'' I'd told the press pack, would I? That would be very very unprofessional. So there's no point in getting angry because the show's over. It's curtains. No curtain call. Everyone ''loved'' the show, but it just wasn't ''buttering'' any ''parsnips'' ANYMORE, BROTHER!
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. You don't have the fucking balls, apart from that great inflated fucking ball on the fucking end of your fucking neck. 
:'''Steve:''' (looking at the TV behind Malcolm) Ooh, look. Oh...
:''(Malcolm's resignation is now the big story on BBC News.)''
:'''Steve:''' (whispering softly) &quot;Malcolm Tucker resigns...&quot; Looks pretty factual to me. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck this. Fuck this. Fuck you all. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is now chasing himself into Steve's office!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get back to fucking ''[[wikipedia:The Wind in the Willows|Wind in the Willows]]'', 'cause that's where you fucking belong! 
:'''Steve:''' I didn't ask you to -- I didn't ask you to come back in. Would you leave my office, please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not fucking gonna waste my breath on you. 
:''(And now, Malcolm is marching his way towards Julius! Yelling and cursing along the way!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' As for you... 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I am sick to death -- You can explain --
:''(Malcolm puts his hands on Julius and pins him up against a door!)'' 
:'''Julius:''' Don't TOUCH me, Malcolm! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking touch you if I like! 
:'''Julius:''' Because I'll tell you this, man! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You'll tell me WHAT? 
:'''Julius:''' YOU shafted me, boy! 
:''(Julius fights back and puts his hand on Malcolm!)'' 
:'''Julius:''' I'll fucking strike you, Malcolm! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't you fucking touch me! 
:'''Julius:''' I warn you! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't touch that scarf! That's Paul Smith! Twat! ''(to somebody else)'' MOVE! 
:''(Malcolm is finally leaving Good Ol' Number 10.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' YOU WILL SEE ME AGAIN! (Malcolm heads towards the door.) You will fucking see me again! ''(He leaves Number 10.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Marianne Swift:''' So all this is homemade, is it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it is! Look, I mean, this is going to be like [[wikipedia:Jamie_at_Home|Jamie at Home]], right, except I'm not going to be bouncing around spouting Cockney drivel out of my fat, lisping, ox face.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(thinking about options other than Andy Murray for the Healthy Eating launch)''
:'''Terri:''' What about [[wikipedia:Lynda_Bellingham|Lynda Bellingham]]?
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, that'd be convincing, 'Eat less salt', says [[wikipedia:Oxo_(food)#Marketing|the dancing Oxo lady]], good idea. No one from [[wikipedia:Calendar_Girls_(play)|the stage show of Calendar Girls]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(Reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers)''  
:'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of The Economist.
:'''Ollie:''' That's right, Glenn, you'll have to hold my hand through this complicated world: some of us weren't up the Acropolis the day that you and [[Roy Jenkins]] invented democracy.
:'''Terri:''' Oh my God. Did you know that he'd been some kind of womaniser?
:'''Ollie:''' You wanna check the Sun, they've got a woman who claims he womanised her three times in a day at the gazebo at Chequers. Front, back, and in the gallery, as I understand it.

==Series 3, Episode 8==
:''(At DoSAC, Glenn and Ollie can't get over Malcolm Tucker's resignation.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' You know, I just can't quite believe this. I mean, this is the single most shocking thing I've seen in politics since the SDP. I thought he'd at least go out with a bang or a killing spree. 
:'''Ollie:''' I always imagined he'd just shout so hard his lungs would come up and choke him to death. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Over at Opposition HQ, however, Malcolm's departure is being celebrated by Peter Mannion and his team.)''
:'''Peter:''' End of an era! 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, a really shit era though, isn't it? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(cheering)'' WHOO! 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, f-- Calm down! 
:'''Phil:''' Balrog's dead! I mean, that's it. I mean, they're done. I mean, no one can replace him. It's like when Queen lost [[wikipedia:Freddie Mercury|Freddie]]. You know. Certainly not [[wikipedia:Paul Rodgers|Paul Rodgers]]. 
:''(Stewart Pearson, however, wants no part of the festivities. He wants everyone to get back to business.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' All right, everyone. That's the two seconds of respect due to him. Now get back to your desks and do something, okay? ''(to a female worker)'' Not the sofa! Who are you, Lorraine Kelly? Get out here and do something! If you've nothing to do, leave, because you're clearly surplus to requirements! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve is at DoSAC, trying to gently assure everyone that everything's alright.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Um, lads and lasses! ''(He laughs)'' Please, just a quick word. Thank you. Really, it's just a hand-hold to set the tone for a slightly re-jigged regime. I've done all the important departments, and now I've got to you. ''(He laughs again)'' Seriously, I've done that joke everywhere, but, uh, even with the genuinely big departments. So I'm not -- ''(imitating gun fire)'' -- aiming at you in any sort of a snide way. I'm just checking that we're all at the very top of our games. ''(Steve then looks at Glenn, who's looking at his cell phone.)'' Glenn, mate? 
:'''Glenn:''' Sorry.
:'''Steve:''' Are you on top of your game? 
:'''Glenn:''' I am -- I am ''above'' my game. I-I'm in a geo-stationary orbit, way above it, looking down and going, &quot;Hello, game, it's Glenn!&quot; 
:'''Steve:''' (laughing) Right! You know, there's an election looming. This is quite a serious time. We need to be aware of that. (Steve points in Glenn's direction, smiling) But I love humor, and that was good humor. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is at home with a man going through alternative career options.)'' 
:'''Man:''' Do you want to swim the Channel for [[wikipedia:Scope_(charity)|Scope]]?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No!  
:'''Man:''' Do you want to do ''[[wikipedia:Dragons'_Den_(UK_TV_series)|Dragon's Den]]'' for ''[[wikipedia:Children_in_Need|Children in Need]]''?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I'd rather fuck a real dragon.  
:'''Man:''' Would you consider promoting a politically themed restaurant?  
:'''Malcolm:''' How does that – how does that even work? Oh fuck no, I don't care.  
:'''Man:''' Would you like to write a children's book, called 'The Angry Spider'?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' So, everything: Good. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, a bit of instability with Malcolm gone, a sort of sense of Post – you know, Psychotic Twats Disorder, but –  
:'''Steve:''' No no, listen, I understand, but you know, right now, you're all emerging from the cellar – pleased that the beatings have stopped - scared of what the future might hold, but long-term, I think we're all going to be okay. Pep talk, over! Return to your desks, and prepare for government.
:'''Ollie:''' We're in government.
:'''Steve:''' ''(smiling, but clearly annoyed)'' Well then, prepare to ''stay'' in government.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh right. How do we do that?
:'''Glenn:''' We pack an overnight bag.
:'''Steve:''' ''(apoplectic) Will you '''PLEASE, FUCKING WELL –''' (Steve immediately composes himself, and lets out a forced laugh)'' I'm sorry, I've lost my temper! Where is it? Where is it? Oh, no, I've found it again. It's alright.
:'''Ollie:''' Always in the last place you look, eh?
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Steve)'' So, can I...? 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Great. 
:'''Steve:''' Uh, actually, can I have a word with you, Nicky, please? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Nicola. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve wants to talk to Nicola in her office about the upcoming election...and he's standing a bit too close for her comfort.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' I just wanted to check. Obviously, Dan Miller's cabal is going house to house through the cabinet looking for numbskulls stupid enough to resign to trigger his elevation to the throne. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(nodding)'' Obviously. 
:'''Steve:''' What I need to know is are you solid? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, I am completely -- I am solid as, as the proverbial. As-as a rock. As a rock-hard...as a sailor's wang on shore leave. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(very pleased)'' Superb. You really are the potty mouth, aren't you? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, a lot to do. 
:''(After Steve leaves her office, Nicola calls out to Glenn &amp; Ollie.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Ollie, Glenn, in here now. Quick, quick, quick.
:''(Glenn approaches the office while taking off his glasses.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Glenn! Don't faff around with your glasses, I know you take them off every time you come in here. It's not impressive. ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What do we know about the anti-Tom cabal? Why have I not been contacted by them? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, um, uh...
:'''Ollie:''' Because it would be you...uh, you're seen very much as an individual around the, uh...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(embarrassed)'' That's bollocks, isn't it? It's 'cause I'm the girl at the party nobody wants to dance with. I'm the freak in the corner with a pint of cider and blackcurrant and the funny eye. 
:'''Ollie:''' No no. I-I mean, it's...You know, it a big, big Rolodex full of numbers. I'm sure...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to both Glenn &amp; Ollie)'' Thank you. You may go. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(stammering)'' We st-We still would like to dance with you. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Oh, fuck off. Go and put your glasses back on. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is watching the nightly TV news at home when, all of a sudden, his cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hello, Phillip Schofield, I fuck lobsters for money.
:''(Somebody is telling Malcolm something important.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Julius Nicholson is trying to persuade Malcolm Tucker to return as the two of them are sharing an Indian take-away meal.)''
:'''Julius:''' Take the rice first.
:'''Malcolm:''' Thank you.
:'''Julius:''' Um, I want you to be very clear, Malc, about why it is that I brought you in. Do you know what hat it is that I'm wearing?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is it your baldy swimming cap wig? 
:'''Julius:''' No, it is my government troubleshooter stetson, which is a long way from my homburg of sober inquiry. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know that I'm thinking of doing a television program? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, I had heard something on the grapevine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it's good. You know that program ''[[wikipedia:Civilisation|Civilisation]]'' with Kenneth Clarke? 
:'''Julius:''' Oh, yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's gonna be like that, except with fucking more quim, you know? It's me, Simon Schama and Alan Yentob in a cage, fucking lump hammer each, whacking the shit out of each other. The last man standing wins a fucking [[wikipedia:Ford Focus|Ford Focus]]. 
:'''Julius:''' The thing is, Malcolm, your departure has basically precipitated a call-to-arms, in effect. We have it on reasonably good authority that there are between three to four cabinet ministers who are disgruntled and are planning a mass resignation. And that means, very simply, a Dan Miller coronation. And as my nephew would say, &quot;This shit just got real.&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Your nephew? 
:'''Julius:''' Yeah, he's at Charterhouse. Only a day boy, not a boarder. Anyway, the fact is it has to be stopped. Um...There have been a number of ideas being tossed around. And one of them is...would you be prepared to come back? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Are you out of your tiny, shiny fucking mind? 
:'''Julius:''' Look, we can do this simply. 
:''(Julius picks up four colored pencils.)''
:'''Julius:''' Step 1: Are you interested? Of course you are. ''(Julius drops a pencil)'' Step 2: Will you come back? Yes? ''(He drops another pencil)'' Superb. Step 3, and this is the important step: Will you use your considerable influence to destroy the cabal? Can I drop it down? ''(Julius drops down that pencil, too)'' Fan-dabi-dozi! Step 4: It's party time. Let's tool up with basmati rice and...Wahey! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(rightfully confused)'' You're asking me -- to come back here and mop up the fucking splatter from my own assassination?  
:'''Julius:''' You know where the bodies are buried. And we'll just say you're coming back to advise, it's election strategy, it's not a day-to-day government business role.
:'''Malcolm:''' I can't come back again unless I know that I'm in the clear in your report.
:'''Julius:''' I'm not in a position to discuss that; not with my current hat on. However, would I be sat here now if the man in the other hat—which is also me—wasn't sure that everyone involved in this inquiry didn't come out relatively well?
:'''Malcolm:''' And what about Steve Fleming, yeah? You schizo hat fuck?
:'''Julius:''' Let me put it this way: You see this onion bhaji? Let us pretend for a minute that this onion bhaji is the problems that would be caused by a report that criticised you or Steve Fleming. Hmm? Watch. ''(Julius takes a bite of the bhaji.)'' You see what I’m doing? I’m eating.. the onion bhaji. ''(He eats the rest of the bhaji.)'' Why? Because I am the man that makes the bhaji go away.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve approaches Julius while he's feeding ducks)''
:'''Steve:''' The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain.
:'''Julius:''' Well, actually, that is a popular misconception because what happens is the rain falls just before the mountain ridge, but they wouldn't want you to know that because it would spoil the rhyme.
:'''Steve:''' Julius, what's up, Boo Boo? ''(both laugh)''
:'''Julius:''' Not much, I'm just feeding some victuals to these poor old ducks. That red-crested pochard there is positively ''hoggish'' with this Hovis.
:'''Steve:''' I heard certain rumblings that I don't come out terribly well in this report of yours. Off the record, matey, am I fucked? 
:'''Julius:''' Off the record, and this is strictly between you, me and that ornamental gatepost over there, of course; the report is strictly confidential until publication. Haha, do you see what I've done there? The bald man has done a funny.
:'''Steve:''' It's not funny. No, it's not funny at all, Julius.
:'''Julius:''' ''(continuing to laugh)'' I beg to differ. I think I'm on sparkling form.
:'''Steve:''' ''For '''fuck's''' sake!'' You ''FUCKING... Pontius'' Pilate, with the emphasis on '''''PONCE!'''''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' ''(reading a headline about Steve and Julius on'' Times Online'')'' 'Care to do another draft, Sir Whitewash?' 
:'''Ollie:''' What have ''The Mirror'' got?  
:'''Terri:''' 'Give us the bald facts?' Oh it's very rude that, isn't it: I was always taught never to make personal remarks about people.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' OK, listen up everybody, that was Gavin over at Number 10. He reckons that Steve Fleming has just joined the cabal. 
:'''Everyone:''' Ooh!  
:'''Terri:''' That's a complete disaster, there'll be nothing else on television for weeks.  
:'''Ollie:''' Where's Malcolm? Where's the dark knight in all this?  
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm will have grabbed his false passport by now, he'll be on a plane to Brazil, and he's about to spend the rest of his days being [[wikipedia:Marathon_Man_(film)|the world's scariest dentist]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. You all right? You've got that 'cock in the cookie jar' look. 
:'''Ollie:''' He's back.  
:'''Nicola:''' Who? Barrymore?  
:'''Ollie:''' No.  
:'''Nicola:''' Clement Attlee? ''(realises)'' Oh fuck!  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. God, he's gonna kill me. I was there when he was being sacked and he asked me for help, and I held out and now he's gonna want revenge isn't he? Fuck, fuck, fuck, it's gonna be like 'Kill Bill' or 'Get Carter', only it's gonna be 'Get and kill Nicola and then get Carter and Bill to fucking kill her too'!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey Nicola! How are you doing?  
:'''Nicola:''' You're back. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah I'm just, you know, tying up a few loose ends.  
:'''Nicola:''' With which you're going to plait some kind of garotte and strangle me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Forgive and forget. That's my motto.  
:'''Nicola:''' I thought your motto was '[[wikipedia:Who_Dares_Wins|Who fucks wins]]' or '[[wikipedia:Honi_soit_qui_mal_y_pense|Honi soit qui Malc y fuck]]'.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got a lot of mottos. Don't take that job, Nicola.  
:'''Nicola:''' God, Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' The anti-Tom brigade are just waiting for the first piece to fall. If you resign, it's political fucking Jenga. You will cause a landslide that will ''bury'' this Government. And you'll keep the party in opposition until Daniel Radcliffe is advertising walk-in baths in the fucking [[wikipedia:The_People's_Friend|People's Friend]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julius:''' You...
:'''Malcolm:''' Julius!
:'''Julius:''' ...are a naughty bastard!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(Holding up Julius' report)'' Best thing I've read all year. It's the only thing, mind you.
:'''Julius:''' You've done some pretty awful things to me in my time, but this takes the bloody biscuit. And you've pissed on that biscuit and I've got to eat it. Well, here's the news, Malcolm, I will not eat the pissy biscuit!
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, no pissy biscuits. ''(to Julius)'' What are you going on about, Julius? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you off to clear your desk, Steve? Don't forget your lucky [[wikipedia:Gonk|gonk]], and your &quot;World's Shittiest Dad&quot; mug.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' I'm going to resign from the Cabinet. And then, I'm going to join Dan Miller's team. ''(beat)'' I think we need a new leader. ''(walks off)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(following)'' Steve!
:'''Steve:''' Oh, no, no, no!
:'''Malcolm:''' Steve, don't you ever take up fucking poker, 'cause you're a crap liar.
:'''Steve:''' I am gonna join Dan Miller's team and then we are gonna take you down; we are gonna take you down to funky town! ''Funky Town Centre, here you come!'' ''CHOO FUCKING CHOO!''
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this what you're threatening me with, fucking disco lights and a fucking choo-choo train? You're a joke, Steve!
:'''Steve:''' ''(laughing)'' There's nothing you can do!
:'''Malcolm:''' Steve!
:'''Steve:''' Yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' There's ''one'' thing I can do!
:'''Steve:''' What are you gonna do?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, wouldn't you like to know!
:'''Steve:''' Who are you gonna meet? Who's your meeting with?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking off)'' Bye-bye!
:'''Steve:''' ''I'M NOT FUCKING WORRIED, MATE!'' ''(walks down the corridor)'' Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' All right now, listen up, my children of a lesser god, you will find a file marked 'Snap Election Drill' on the J drive. And if you don't know how to access the J drive, hand your pass in at reception, go and buy some silver body paint, and pretend to be a robot on the [[wikipedia:South_Bank|South Bank]]. Fly my pretties, fly!
:''(Suddenly, Phil's cell phone rings.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart! Stewart, The Fucker's downstairs.
:'''Stewart:''' No, no, no. He's not downstairs, but if he were, I'd know about it, and if I knew about it, I would have vetoed it. Okay? 
:'''Emma:''' He is, and he is complete poison.
:'''Peter:''' Ah, The Fucker! ''(to Stewart)'' And you thought he was just a myth created to frighten naughty MPs into eating all their truffles and swan.
:'''Stewart:''' Watch my lips. Cal Richards is not here. 
:''(But Cal Richards IS there...and he's headed their way.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Cal! 
:'''Cal Richards:''' Hello. 
:'''Stewart:''' Hi. 
:'''Cal:''' Hi, Stewart. 
:'''Stewart:''' Good to see you. I didn't know about this. JB didn't say anything. 
:'''Cal:''' Hello, everyone. I just wanted it to be a surprise. 
:''(Cal shakes hands with Peter, Phil and Emma while he's talking to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, why are you...why are you here? 
:'''Cal:''' Well, mate, I just thought I'd check in with the intellectual powerhouse of the party. That's all. That's why I'm here. 
:'''Stewart:''' Right. Well, if you want to step in the office, yeah, I'll dismiss the children and we can talk. 
:'''Cal:''' No. 'Cause I'm kidding, aren't I? No, because I've come here to tell you that you're fucking sacked. 
:'''Peter:''' (thrilled) Halle-bloody-lujah! 
:''(A look of doom comes over Stewart's face...)''
:'''Phil:''' Should I escort Stewart from the building, then, Cal?
:'''Emma:''' Philip, Don't be such a fucking turncoat.
:'''Cal:''' Yes, Philip, excellent idea. And while you're there, could you do me another favour, please? Could you find a hostel, go there, and take a fucking overdose of barbiturates?
:''(Emma chuckles at Cal's request.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, right. Okay, well, I'm not fired. You can't fire me, Cal, so shall we just cut to the chase? Hmm? 
:'''Cal:''' (pretending to talk like a baby) &quot;Aw, you can't fire me, Cal, 'cause you're...&quot; Gotcha! I'm kidding. Of course you're not fired. Look at your face.
:'''Stewart:''' (smiling, but not amused) Funny. 
:'''Peter:''' I'm sensing a change in management styles here from touchy-feely to smashy-testes.
:'''Cal:''' No, okay, joking aside, I'm just an impartial observer. Quite partial, obviously. So, uh, take it away, [[wikipedia:Captain Mainwaring|Captain Mainwaring]]. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the crowd)'' All right, folks, listen up. We have three key targets when we are smart-bombing our beloved PM and they are: The deficit, unemployment, lack of leadership. Get onto the J drive, you'll find key...
:''(And then suddenly -- Cal EXPLODES!)'' 
:'''Cal:''' ''FUCK, THAT IS BRILLIANT!!'' THAT IS INSPIRED! WHAT SAUCE! GET IN! [[wikipedia:It's_the_economy,_stupid|IT'S THE ''ECONOMY'', STEWPOT]]! Fuck, what I REALLY need to do is to shoot you all in the back of the head! ''(imitating a gun)'' FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! But I can't, because it's illegal!
:''(Then, Cal calms back down again.)'' 
:'''Cal:''' Okay, I'd like a small cappuccino, two extra shots, please. I think we've got a long night ahead of us. ''(to Stewart)'' Come on! 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Cal)'' I'm coming. ''(to Peter)'' Better the devil you know, huh? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''' ''(on the phone)'': I think we're just playing it in the wrong key. It's when we go, ''(sings at a low pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue' – 
:'''Nicola:''' What's she talking about?  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh. She's putting on her annual production of ''[[wikipedia:Joseph_and_the_Amazing_Technicolor_Dreamcoat|Joseph]]'', in Hemel Hempstead. She doesn't license it ever because she considers ''Joseph'' to be public domain.  
:'''Terri:''' But I need to just pitch it a little higher. More like, ''(sings at a much higher pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue and green' –  
:'''Glenn:''' She's directing it. And starring.  
:'''Ollie:''' As Jacob.  
:'''Nicola:''' With a beard?  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, one assumes with a beard. Maybe she'll just let herself go for a couple of weeks, see what happens.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker and Cal Richards are giving pre-election pep talks to their respective parties)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I know what people say to you, right? They say: 'We hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.' Everybody hates you. So fucking what? Some people, they just fucking love to hate. Some people, they'd fucking walk around the fucking Garden of Eden fucking moaning about the lack of fucking mobile reception. These are the kind of fucks who watched ''Mandela'' – fucking Nelson Mandela – walk to freedom, and said 'Is ''[[wikipedia:Diagnosis:_Murder|Diagnosis: Murder]]'' not on the other side?' So we fucking forget about them.  
:'''Cal:''' This government has run this country into the ground. This used to be a [[wikipedia:And_did_those_feet_in_ancient_time#&quot;Green_and_pleasant_Land&quot;|green and pleasant land]], now it's the colour of the fucking BBC Weather map. It looks like anaemic dogshit.  
:'''Malcolm:''' JB, Cal Richards, and their ''hordes'' of fucking robots, they're coming over the hill, towards us! And all you have got to do is this: bend down, pick up any fucking weapon you can, and ''twat'' the fuckery out of them –  
:'''Cal:''' This government is maimed, but it can't be shamed. It will. Be. FUCKED!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's get out there, and let's fucking kill them, LET'S SET FIRE TO TEARS! Let's go! ''(all applaud and cheer)'' Come on! Let's go, yes!  
:'''Cal:''' OK, let's get going.  
:'''Phil''' ''(to Emma)'': What do we do?  
:'''Cal:''' ''(on an office phone)'' What do I call for an outside line?  
:'''Emma:''' That was great, wasn't it?  
:'''Phil:''' What do we do?  
:'''Cal:''' Is it 9, 'cause that's what it is everywhere else?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cal:''' ''(to an anonymous Opposition member of staff)'' Stop saying &quot;Abingdon&quot; to me, I want a fucking chocolate biscuit!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, for the first time in a decade, I can feel the old dog twitching to life.  
:'''Phil''' ''(Chinese accent)'': 'So sorry me! This election give me an erection.'  
:'''Peter:''' The old dog I was referring to was me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(All DoSAC staff are leaving because of the election)''
:'''Terri:''' See you, Nicola! ''(to herself)'' Or not.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Is this good, all this panic? I haven't seen ''[[Snakes on a Plane]]'', but I imagine this is pretty much how people would react on finding their plane was brimming with snakes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Except Malcolm is the snakes, isn't he? I mean, this is more ''Snakes Not on a Plane''.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(walking into Steve's office)'': Steve! Look! I've made an unexpected comeback. Like [[wikipedia:Noel_Edmonds|Noel Edmonds]] or secondary cancer.  
:'''Steve Fleming:''' Don't get any ideas, Malcolm. I can cut you loose any time I like; I can toss you aside like an unwanted [[wikipedia:Panettone|panettone]], which, I warn you, is ''most'' panettones.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Cal Richards''' ''(giving his pre-election pep talk)'': Remember, this government is like going out with Madonna: at first you think, 'Result'; now we wake up every morning to see an increasingly crazed, craggy-faced egomaniac who jumps on every fucking passing bandwagon.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Terri''' ''(leaving an answerphone message)'': If you have any political enquiries, at any time, 24 hours a day, Oliver Reeder and Glenn Cullen will take –
:'''Ollie:''' 24 hours a day? Fuck off. No, we're political advisors, we're not fucking prostitutes.  
:'''Terri:''' Well, you've spoilt it now.

==Series 4, Episode 1==
:''(At the start of this episode, Peter Mannion is headed to the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. He is talking on his cell phone to his wife. Today's their wedding anniversary.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' No, of course I know it's our anniversary. What do you think the card was for? ''(Peter's wife said something to him.)'' I left it on the kitchen table. 
:''(Peter's wife may not have seen the card.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, right. My bad, as they say.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Terri:''' You're a very tidy man, aren't you?
:'''Phil:''' 'There's no happiness without order.' It's a Nazi quote, but nonetheless stands the test of time.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(We now find out that Peter has a partner at DoSAC in the &quot;Coalition Government.&quot;)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(still on his cell phone with his wife.)'' Well, I can't leave before my Coalition partner. Fergus, I told you. (And now, poor Peter's cranky.) Well, I say partner. He's Lewis, I'm Morse.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Peter's partner at DoSAC is Junior MP Fergus Williams. Fergus and his advisor, Adam Kenyon, are proudly getting ready to launch a policy they created, called Silicon Playgrounds.)''
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' I hate to ask, but I've got to ask. Are you ready for today, Fergus? 
:'''Fergus Williams:''' Yeah. Somewhat. 
:'''Adam:''' Silicon Playgrounds are -- is -- go. 
:'''Fergus:''' I just hope Mannion can keep his baccy-stained fingers out of it. 
:'''Adam:''' Don't worry about Mannion. He's allergic to the 21st century. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, he didn't like the 20th much and the 19th makes him fart papyrus. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;   
:'''Peter:''' ''(STILL on the phone with his wife...)'' Well, we could celebrate it another time. I mean, technically, and thrillingly, it'll be our anniversary all year! ''(Suddenly, Peter sees the rest of the team coming.)'' Oh, sorry darling, I've gotta go, I think the bailiffs are coming to take away my will to live.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Peter, Fergus, Adam, Phil and Terri join Emma and Stewart in the Meeting Room to discuss Silicon Playgrounds.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, folks, today's headline in Copperplate Gothic Bold, font 72, is: Emma and I broke the fast this a.m. with the PM. 
:'''Emma:''' And it is a massive yes. So our Silicon Playground initiative is going to be the standard bearer for the Networked Nation. It is a double, double win. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yes, a double win for both babies of the Coalition, yeah? 
:'''Emma:''' Absolutely. 
:'''Stewart:''' (happily) It's &quot;win squared!&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Terrific. Right, shall we do a Mexican wave round the table? 
:'''Fergus:''' From my P.O.V., re all this, big hurrah. We're ready to upload, i.e. let's launch the fucker. 
:'''Stewart:''' Great, I'm registering your energy, Fergus, but we've decided it's going to be launched by...the Secretary of State for Social Affairs and Citizenship.
:''(Fergus and Adam are understandably upset about not being able to launch their policy...but Peter is actually a little MORE upset.)''
:'''Peter:''' (moaning) ''Ohhh...All my gallstones have come at once.''
:'''Fergus:''' Are you fucking serious? 
:'''Adam:''' What is wrong with you people? Peter can't even right-click a fucking mouse. 
:'''Phil:''' Well, he can, it's track pads he has a problem with. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No. No, you come in here like Dr. Robotnik and say, &quot;Oh, I'm sorry.&quot; We put in the graft on this. You can't just take it off us. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, I think we can. You see...
:'''Emma:''' We can.  
:'''Stewart:''' You see, Coalition's like a band, guys, yeah, and every band has a frontman. [[Florence and the Machine|He's Florence and you're – well, you're The Machine.]]
:''(Then, Glenn Cullen, who's supposed to be on Fergus and Adam's team, enters the meeting room.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(cracking a Superman joke)'' Hey! Sorry I'm late, guys. I was just changing in a phone booth. (chuckles to himself)
:'''Terri:''' Was that a joke or...
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. No, I was on the phone. ''(to Fergus)'' Hey, Fergus, you look a bit A&amp;E. Everything all right? 
:'''Fergus:''' No, er, Mannion is announcing Silicon Playgrounds on Stewart's orders. 
:'''Stewart:''' PM's orders.
:'''Glenn:''' What? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hang on a moment. This is demarcation stuff. This is Fourth Sector, right? And I am the Fourth Sector guru. Yeah, I've been on Team Fergus on this, you know, me and the Inbetweeners. 
:'''Adam:''' The what? The what? Sorry? 
:'''Emma:''' You know that's what we call you. 
:'''Stewart:''' That's what they call you. 
:'''Glenn:''' WE did all the work on this. Us, we're a team, we did it. And now you're going to say we're going to play a new game, pass the parcel, and he gets to unwrap it? (pointing at Peter) I don't think so! This is bollocks, Stewart! 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, come on, calm down. 
:'''Glenn:''' Just a second. Bollocks. 
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, just leave it, leave it. 
:''(Glenn leaves the meeting room)'' 
:'''Emma:''' (talking about Glenn) He's seriously going to have a heart attack, look at him. 
:'''Stewart:''' God, will we cope now? Can we even carry on? 
:''(Quiet in the room again...)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, it doesn't seem to have changed anything. All right, the top line, folks, is this: It's about coalition, remember, yeah? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No, this is not about coalition. This is about you nicking our ideas and doing us up the Eurotunnel. 
:'''Phil:''' Come on. You're basically a couple of homeless guys we've invited to Christmas dinner. Don't bitch because we don't let you carve the turkey.
:'''Peter:''' Let me just say it simply for you, Stewart: I don't understand the Networked Nation and the Silicon fucking Playground &quot;gigabits,&quot; people watching television on telephones. For what it's worth, I think Fergus should carve this particular turkey. 
:'''Adam:''' There you go. 
:'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter. The Networked Nation is about harnessing the interconnectivity of everyone in society. It's a new way of thinking. Innovation, self-investment, revenue flux, growth, ergo a healthy network. What's so complicated about that? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(bluntly)'' ''ALL'' the words you just used. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' ''(at Peter's office door)'' Ah, Peter. I'm expecting great things!
:'''Peter:''' Then you're an idiot.
:'''Stewart:''' Laters, legislators. ''(leaves)''
:'''Peter''' ''(looking at Fergus's policy)'': The only way this policy launch could be worse is if I understood the bloody thing.
:'''Glenn''' ''(walking in with a file which he dumps on Phil)'': Right, I'm gonna put the old tea-cauldron on! Anybody fancy a brew?
:''(They all ignore him. During Emma's line, he gives up and leaves.)''
:'''Emma:''' Peter, risk of sounding like your mum: time for school. You need to get to this meeting.
:'''Peter:''' I hate schoolchildren, they're volatile and stupid and they haven't got the vote. Might as well be talking to fucking geese.
:'''Phil:''' Well, you know the school's only 10 minutes from your house. You could pop round for a late lunch. 
:'''Peter:''' Not much of a celebration. &quot;Hello, darling, make me a Cup-a-Soup.&quot; Oh, now, I need a thoughtful, very personal present for Tina. Any ideas?
:'''Phil:''' Erm, what about a sexy undergarment? 
:'''Peter:''' (disappointed in Phil's suggestion) No. 
:'''Emma:''' Perfume. What perfume does she wear? 
:'''Peter:''' No idea. Expensive, smells a bit of lemons. 
:'''Terri:''' Peter, before you go, I-I do really need a comment, I'm sorry, on this Tickel protest, please.
:'''Peter:''' OK: 'As we enter the third week, I find Mr. Tickle's attention-seeking tent-based twattery even more annoying than weeks one and two.'
:'''Terri:''' Can't actually say that.
:'''Peter:''' Really? Oh then by implication you know what you can say, so say that instead.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Terri is being called to see Fergus and Adam in Fergus's office.)''
:'''Adam:''' Just to keep you up to speed, Terri, we are going to do a companion launch for Digital Playgrounds tonight at the learning centre at 7 o'clock, all right? 
:'''Fergus:''' And we just need you to pop a press pack in the Coverley microwave and let us know when you've pinged. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, sorry. I don't think I'll be able to get that cleared before 6:00, so that's effectively tomorrow, isn't it? 
:'''Adam:''' Sorry, Terri, we don't need clearance. We're not covering a Beatles track, we're the fucking Government. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, I'm sorry, but I do need to get that through Number 10 before I can do anything. 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, was Terri actually in the meeting earlier, Adam? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, she was, Fergus. I know she was there because I heard her humming the theme tune to ''[[wikipedia:Call the Midwife|Call the Midwife]].'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well, Stewart was very clear about this protocol. It's about the only thing he ever has been clear about. 
:'''Adam:''' The policy has been agreed. This is just an additional publicity push. 
:'''Terri:''' Adam, I'm sorry if you think I'm being obstructive, but I cannot -- and I ''will not'' -- do ask you ask. 
:'''Fergus:''' Well you can't stop me, Terri! OK? I want you to know, YOU CANNOT WIN, [[wikipedia:Nurse_Ratched|NURSE RATCHED]], because this is my moment! Now, you like musicals: well this is [[wikipedia:Tonight_(1956_song)|Tonight]] from West Side Story, yeah? And I'm going to bring the bloody house down, so you can't [[wikipedia:Don't_Rain_on_My_Parade|Rain on my Parade]], [[wikipedia:Funny_Girl_(musical)|Funny Girl]]. Why don't you go and have a lie-down and a [[wikipedia:Hobnob_biscuit|Hobnob]] while we run the fucking country, all right?
:'''Terri:''' (unfazed) Anything else? 
:'''Adam:''' No, don't think so. 
:''(Fergus is perplexed, Adam is stunned, and Terri gets up to leave...)''
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Thank you, minister. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil, and Emma are in the car to the policy launch)''
:'''Fergus:''' Does he understand the policy? Forgive my concern, but it's a bit like asking if a dog can grasp the concept of Norway.
:'''Terri''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'': We have a question: does he understand the – Oh, she's hung up! Ever the charmless minor royal.
:'''Peter:''' And I keep a straight face, do I, when I say to a room full of frogspawn, 'Upload your future'?
:'''Emma:''' You know, that sounds great! No pronunciation traps. 'Cause you know what happened to the Chancellor, don't you, at the [[wikipedia:Brit_Awards|BRITs]]? [[wikipedia:Tinie_Tempah|'Tinny' Tempah]]?
:'''Phil:''' Well, it could have been worse, I heard he opened his stag do speech with 'my niggaz'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter is at the school making his speech...I Call App Britain!)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Why is it that Silicon Valley is in America when we have so many net-savvy tech-heads here? They may have the silicon chip, but we have the silicon ''chap''. And of course, chapesses. Er, and we want ''you'' to design game apps for use in the classroom.
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, sorry to interrupt: erm, it's not game apps, we're actually looking for educational apps.
:'''Peter:''' Er, of course. That's why I'm here to say: I call you up. App. I, I Call App Britain. Yes. And everyone will benefit, not financially, er, not cash in hand, of course: all profits will be stored as part of a digital dividend, which –
:'''Raj:''' 'Scuse me, are you saying that if I wrote an app I wouldn't get any money for it? I would be working for free?
:'''Peter:''' If you don't mind we'll keep the Q&amp;A to the end. What I wanted to emphasise –
:'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, er, why can't you just answer him now?
:'''Teacher:''' Charlotte.
:'''Charlotte:''' Well, the other lady was allowed to interrupt.
:'''Peter:''' Yes, but she's ''my'' lady. ''(everyone laughs except Emma)'' Er, what was your question again?
:'''Raj:''' Why won't we profit from this?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, but you would! Er, maybe I didn't explain it properly. What's your name?
:'''Raj:''' Rajesh.
:'''Peter:''' I'm sorry?
:'''Raj:''' Rajesh, Raj.
:'''Peter:''' Well, er, Rajesh Raj – ''(the students laugh)'' Oh, right. ''(chuckles)'' Well, er, what I, what I wanted to say is that, that you ''would'', er, profit, that any profits you made would be offset against [[wikipedia:Tuition_fees_in_the_United_Kingdom|tuition fees]] –
:'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, we don't believe in tuition fees.
:'''Peter:''' Well, erm, what's your –
:'''Charlotte:''' Charlotte.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, well, that's an easier one.
:'''Emma''' ''(to Phil)'': Fuck me, I feel like I've just been pushed out of a plane.
:'''Raj:''' I make apps. I sell them through Apple and I get paid for it.
:'''Peter:''' Good for you, Ra– er, good for you, but with ''us'', you let us license it as part of the Networked Nation policy. We all put in, you see –
:'''Raj:''' What do you put into the Networked Nation?
:'''Peter:''' Well, er, I am – a Minister.
:'''Raj:''' But what do you actually do?
:'''Peter:''' I take the, the – science that, that you made earlier, and I – ''apply'' it, in – scenarios that are – cost-effective.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Well at least I got 'I Call App Britain' right.
:'''Phil:''' Thankfully with only a modicum of the contempt you used just now.
:'''Emma:''' 'Hooray, you got the title right! Let's get the driver to do some victory doughnuts.' You're gonna have to issue an apology, you know.
:'''Peter:''' I'm not going back there and saying, 'Oh, that moment when I mistook an abbreviation of your name for your surname: sorry.' I'll look completely mental.
:'''Phil:''' You can't apologise for a fart you did a day ago.
:'''Emma:''' No, you're gonna have to apologise for the follow-up as well. 'Charlotte, that's an easier name.'
:'''Peter:''' ''But it is!'' That's a fact, not a judgement!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(And now, Peter finds himself being confronted by a big crowd of reporters and journalists -- outside his own home!)''
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, why are you at home in the middle of a working day? 
:'''Peter:''' Um, it's-it's my 30th anniversary and I popped home for lunch after the Silicon Playgrounds launch, which is literally around the corner, and I'll be staying late to make up for it. 
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Are you turning schools into teenage sweatshops? 
:'''Peter:''' I-I'm sorry if this is proving a complex idea. Pupils will receive a digital dividend towards their higher education fees. 
:'''Female Reporter #2:''' The dividend is optional, though, you can get cash instead? 
:'''Peter:''' No, you can't, I'm sorry...
:'''Female Reporter #2:''' You can according to your Junior Minister. 
:'''Peter:''' I see. 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Minister, do you think you came across this morning as a &quot;fibre-optic Fagan?&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' That's a ridiculous phrase. 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Well, that, again, is a quote from your Junior Minister.  
:''(Peter's socially embarrassing predicament continues...)''
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, is, um, that a bottle of champagne? 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Drinking on the job, minister? 
:'''Peter:''' It's a half bottle. Um, as I said, it is my anniversary and I have just recycled it. Er, thank you. Bye. 
:''(Peter gets into his car.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to his driver)'' Run those fuckers over. Fifty quid for every one you maim.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(shouting at Fergus on his return to DoSAC)'': Thanks a fucking bunch, mate! I couldn't have looked more of a twat, unless I'd announced it dressed as a mermaid with scallops on my tits!
:'''Fergus:''' Look, I'm angry, too, Peter. I spent a lot of time on that policy that you just raped in a ditch. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, it was your stupid idea in the first place. 
:'''Fergus:''' What are your ideas, Peter? Come on, we'd all love to hear them! A public information film on the best wine to have with fish? A butler on every street corner? 
:'''Peter:''' This is a long game, Fergus. And I've been around a lot longer than you, Fergus, and I'll still be here when they rip your name off your door and turn your office back into something useful, like a spare toilet! 
:''(Stewart, from out of nowhere, enters the fight.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' BOTH OF YOU DESIST! You have caused me to raise my voice and I do not like it. I reserve this level of anger for when I'm flying Ryanair. Peter's Palace! NOW! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking champagne in the middle of the day during a recession. Who do you think you are, [[wikipedia:Sean_Combs|P. Diddy]]?
:'''Peter:''' It was a half-bottle, on my thirtieth anniversary, ''and'' I was recycling it; at least give me credit for that!
:'''Stewart:''' Oh right, no, sorry Peter, yeah, I take it all back. About as strong a defence as 'the fertiliser in my homemade bomb was organic.' What have you got planned for this evening, dancing girls on a yacht? 
:'''Peter:''' Garage, car, hosepipe. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, good, the anniversary present your wife's been dreaming of. ''(to Fergus)'' And Fergus, what about you? 
:'''Fergus:''' Well, I'm launching Silicon Playgrounds, properly this time, tonight at a learning centre. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, something you didn't clear through me. According to Terri Coverley, you announced this before Peter took his daily &quot;gaffe dump.&quot; What was the word I used this morning?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, you used a lot of words this morning, it was like a fucking [[Will Self]] lecture.
:'''Stewart:''' What was the word I used?
:'''Fergus:''' Coalition?
:'''Stewart:''' BOOM! So you ''will'' go to the learning centre where you will re-explain Silicon Playgrounds ''with Peter'', who will make an abject grovelling apology for being both a digi-tard and an elderly racist!
:'''Fergus:''' So first you take the policy away from me for Peter to screw up, then you take ''salvaging'' the policy away from me for Peter to screw up! Good, yeah, that's just great!
:'''Peter:''' I'm bored of this! I'm going for a Twix! ''(leaves)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(storming out of his office)'': She's NOT on the FUCKING ''LIST!'' ''(enters Fergus's office)'' Will you please tell me why Terri Coverley is not on this list?
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry Peter, she's too expensive to get rid of.
:'''Peter:''' Oh Christ, Fergus, we both know she's a fart in a frock and I want her wafted out of here.
:'''Fergus''' ''(smiling)'': My hands are tied.
:'''Peter:''' Fuck you! You're not getting in MY car tonight! ''(leaves)''
:'''Glenn:''' What a very principled stand you're taking.
:'''Fergus:''' Yep, but did you see how stressed Mannion was there? Soon he'll be so weak and disorientated he'll stagger off in the night like a tramp who's stood up too quickly.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(on the phone with his wife)'': No, I don't think today is our entire marriage in a nutshell. Well, we had champagne, and your sister wasn't there.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil''' ''(to Adam)'': You're getting a coffwee: coffee with wee in it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter''' ''(on the phone to his wife)'': Champagne looks bad, PR-wise. I might as well be seen urinating through the letterbox of a closed-down library.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Terri:''' Right, I'd better get on. Sometimes I think I never stop working.
:'''Phil:''' You leave at 5:40!
:'''Terri:''' One last thing.
:'''Phil:''' Yes, [[Columbo]]?
:'''Terri:''' The staff cuts. What do you know? 
:'''Phil:''' Ah, I see, that's what this whole chat's been about, has it, mental pickpocketing?
:'''Terri:''' You see, you don't need to tell me: I'll just list off a few names. You do that girly flicky thing with your hair, OK?
:'''Phil:''' Bye, Terri.
:'''Terri:''' Was that it, was that code? Am I going?
:'''Phil:''' No, I'm telling you to fuck off.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Raj:''' What do you actually do?
:''(quiet laughter from the students)''
:'''Peter:''' I am the, er, Secretary of State for Social Affairs a-and Citizenship.
:'''Phil:''' It's a bit like being the Lord Commander of the [[wikipedia:List_of_A_Song_of_Ice_and_Fire_characters#Night's_Watch_and_wildlings|Night's Watch]]? Er, you watch Game of Thrones, yeah?
:'''Raj:''' This is bullshit!
:''(the students laugh)''
:'''Teacher:''' Hey, quiet now – quiet! Raj, that language is unacceptable, OK?
:'''Peter:''' I'll say, you – you wouldn't use that kind of language in front of your extended family.
:'''Students''' ''(shocked)'': Oh!
:'''Emma:''' Oh my good God, I cannot believe childbirth is more painful than this.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Adam:''' We have to distance ourself from this ''now''.
:'''Fergus:''' Right, OK, I'll call Terri and get her up to speed.
:'''Adam:''' Terri is never up to speed. She's stuck in neutral in a fucking rainy car park listening to [[wikipedia:Ken_Bruce|Ken Bruce]].
:'''Glenn''' ''(on his phone)'': Who told you I was the guru? Terri Coverley, right, thank you. Well, I am the guru of the policy, but I'm not the guru of the colossal gang of [[wikipedia:Henry_(vacuum)|Henrys]] who tried to explain it just now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter''' ''(to Raj)'': Yes, well, for you, App-ortunity Knocks.
:'''Fergus''' ''(to Raj, quietly)'': It's [[wikipedia:Opportunity_Knocks_(UK_TV_series)|a show]], it's like [[wikipedia:Britain's_Got_Talent|Britain's Got Talent]], from his era.

==Series 4, Episode 2==
:'''Ollie:''' Right, sorry to interrupt you at this very sad time, but we do have [[wikipedia:Prime_Minister's_Questions|Prime Minister's Questions]] in ''one hour''. 
:'''Nicola:''' No it's fine, I've got the lead question, I've got the follow-up sarcastic question and I've got the withering put-down, so I'm prepped, I'm fucking prepped.
:'''Ollie:''' Yep. You'll walk rings round him.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Ben:''' The Leader of the Opposition is in that room, Malcolm, practising ''walking''. I mean, baby horses can walk from the womb, she's one-nil down to a pony.
:'''Malcolm:''' A pony isn't a baby horse, it's a foal, a fucking foal is a baby horse.  
:'''Ben:''' Right, our guest tonight on 'I Don't Give a Fuck about Baby Horses' is me. But we need to do something about Nicola, Malcolm, I mean, you know about her plan – I mean, Nicola with a plan, that's like a toddler with a harpoon, there's a toddler wandering around in that office with a harpoon.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well, don't you worry about Nicola's plan. I'll deal with that, Sweaty Betty – Listen, when you wake up in the morning you've got a routine, haven't you?  
:'''Ben:''' Big shit, granola, check the email, shower and a shave, [[wikipedia:Nespresso|Nespresso]], sometimes a second shit.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Exactly. You have a plan: that's good. Nicola has a plan: that's not good. But I have a plan: that's fucking great.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Nicola bend down in front of the photocopier)'': Oh, that's very moving: '[[wikipedia:Ode_of_Remembrance|They shall not grow old]], who photocopy their arses at the Christmas do'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola and her advisers, Ollie Reeder &amp; Helen Hatley, are brainstorming ideas for a buzzword for do-gooder members of the public.)''
:'''Ollie:''' They're commuters, they are the street-pounders, street – walkers, um – 
:'''Nicola:''' You can't call them streetwalkers.  
:'''Ollie:''' They're the people who deal with the little stuff, erm – [[wikipedia:The_Wombles|Wombles]], Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call.  
:'''Nicola:''' Erm, straights.  
:'''Ollie:''' No!  
:'''Nicola:''' No. No, of course, sorry.  
:'''Helen Hatley:''' Commuting champions.  
:'''Nicola:''' Interrai– human [[wikipedia:Interrail|interrailers]] –   
:'''Ollie:''' Human interrailers? That's interrailers. Er, everyday superstars, all British supremes –  
:'''Malcolm:''' That sounds like a racist tribute band.  
:'''Nicola:''' Ordinary people, with something special about them, with a special power.  
:'''Ollie:''' Please don't say special. Don't say special.  
:'''Nicola:''' No but – you know, but like sup– people as superheroes.  
:'''Ollie:''' Ironpeople, Spiderpeople. Wolfpeople.  
:'''Nicola:''' They're just regular citizens, but they have this – that one special quality that makes them like Batman, or Batpeople. Erm, ''Quiet'' Batpeople.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(glaring)'' Quiet Batpeople?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' She's going to have to fall on her sword, which means that we are gonna have to stick one in the ground, trip her up onto it and get somebody to jump up and down on her back for ten minutes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Reshuffle: don’t send Ben to the back-benches, he’ll just wank and eat Pringles, leather seats are an invitation to men like him. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Before we finish, I just want to throw one more pebble into the thought pool.
:'''Ben:''' Ploop.
:'''Nicola:''' Sorry Ben, I missed that?
:'''Ben:''' Just I'm sorry, I just, I said 'ploop', it's just the noise of a pebble.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(A photographer has managed to take a picture of Helen's 'Quiet Batpeople' notes)''  
:'''Nicola:''' &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot; on every fucking paper! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, this is a wake-up call. And by the way, Helen, the next time you want to make Nicola look like a clown with her fucking hair on fire in a Zumba class, why don't you just take your notes down to [[wikipedia:Snappy_Snaps|Snappy Snaps]] and get them blown up to gigantic charity cheque size, so the partially sighted can be in on the fucking gag?
:'''Helen:''' I didn't know they'd be able to see it!
:'''Malcolm:''' So we have to seize the agenda. We have to deflect attention away from all this. It's now time to embrace our friend Mr. Tickle.
:'''Nicola:''' I can't even say his name without smiling.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, ''he's'' not smiling, is he? He's living in a tent, 'cause his key-worker housing's been sold off.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, and he's a 24-carat fucking nutcase. Which means that Peter Mannion has been picking on a man with a history of depression. That's a way right into the Principality of Pricks right there.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' It's time for you to step up, Ollie. What's that film that you love?
:'''Ollie:''' What film?
:'''Malcolm:''' The one about the fucking hairdresser, the [[wikipedia:Luke_Skywalker|space hairdresser]] and the [[wikipedia:Han_Solo|cowboy]]. The guy, he's got a [[wikipedia:C-3PO|tin foil pal]] and a [[wikipedia:R2-D2|pedal bin]]. [[wikipedia:Darth_Vader|His father]]'s a robot and he's fucking fucked [[wikipedia:Princess_Leia|his sister]]. Lego! They're all made of fucking Lego.
:'''Ollie:''' Star Wars?
:'''Malcolm:''' That's the one, right. It's like that, okay? Where you fucking kill all the bad guys, and you'll be able to blow up the big –
:'''Ollie:''' Death Star.
:'''Malcolm:''' The Death Star thing. Then you can go and live happily ever after on the planet of the teddy bears.
:'''Ollie:''' They're Ewoks, they're Ewoks. It's a fantastic analogy, well done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' Malcolm, could I have a couple of words please?
:'''Malcolm:''' Political lightweight? Making up the numbers? Sorry that's four isn't it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dan:''' So, your loyalty to Nicola is – 
:'''Malcolm:''' Unwavering. Right up to the point that –  
:'''Dan:''' Someone challenges her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Not necessary: she's going to kick her own head in, which will be easy for her because she does yoga. No, we just need somebody to hold her jacket while she commits political hara-kiri, and sweep in unopposed, being careful not to tread in the mess.  
:'''Dan:''' So you think – I should challenge her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck is this, Tinker Tailor Soldier Cunt? Do you, or do you not, want to be the next leader of this party?
:'''Dan:''' Yes.
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, well, she needs to fuck off in eight months, so it looks like we're giving her a chance. I will teach you the way of tears and love, my friend; now, let's get out of this fucking cupboard before Ben Swain comes in for his lunchtime wank.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(putting his glasses on to read Ollie's phone)'': What is this tiny font? Is it to match your subatomic thoughts?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Ben, and separately Ollie and Helen, are watching Nicola at the [[wikipedia:Remembrance_Sunday#National_ceremony_in_the_United_Kingdom|Remembrance Sunday ceremony]] on TV)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're right, she can't fucking walk.  
:'''Ben:''' I mean, should we get a pony to challenge her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not a fucking pony, it's a fucking foal.  
:'''Ben:''' Sorry.  
:'''Helen:''' I don't understand how you can get that wrong.  
:'''Ollie:''' It's this: ''(demonstrates)'' de-de-clunk!  
:'''Helen:''' She is officially a [[wikipedia:The_Cenotaph,_Whitehall|Ceno]]-twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Fabulous work, sister. Bury her in a grave. [[wikipedia:The_Unknown_Warrior|The Unknown Leader]].  
:'''Helen:''' I can't watch: I feel a bit sick.  
:'''Ollie:''' I just hope there is no afterlife, because if people fought and died for this, it is going to seem even more ridiculously futile.  
:'''Ben''' ''(to Malcolm)'': Why d'you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(during the Quiet Batpeople brainstorming)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Wombles, Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles?  
:'''Helen:''' Right, OK, obviously, you know, we're not gonna block anything 'cause this is a think-thoughting session, erm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call.  
:'''Ollie:''' Think-thoughting, Helen, is what we call, in the real world, thinking. It's the same. Am I say-speaking out of turn? Have I not understood-comprehended you?
:'''Helen:''' I don't know, I tuned you out a bit.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Hiya, I thought you were bollocking Dan Miller.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, I am. ''(to the empty chair next to him)'' Look at you! You bourgeois, fucking side-parted twat, you flap that bammed-up nutcrease of yours again, and I will fuck you so deep, that if you're not drowned in the blizzard of jizz, your rectum will become the biggest fucking indoor venue in fucking Europe.  
:'''Ollie:''' Are you OK?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sit down.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ollie)'': This is [[wikipedia:Infinite_monkey_theorem|monkey typewriter]] stuff. There's not even a fucking infinite amount of monkeys with an infinite amount of time with an infinite amount of typewriters that'll produce the words, 'Nicola Murray, PM'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ben:''' How do you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't know anything about horses, apart from that a grown-up one's a fucking horse and a baby one's a foal. And why are you eating my biscuits?  
:'''Ben:''' I don't know, I found them on here. There's one left.  
:'''Malcolm:''' They are big wreaths.  
:'''Ben:''' It's like a toilet seat, isn't it? I mean, it's not, it's lovely.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What size of a wreath would you need for a nuclear war?  
:'''Ben:''' There wouldn't be anyone left to put it on the Cenotaph, would there? It'd be carried along by cockroaches or whatever it is they say'll survive.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah.

==Series 4, Episode 3==
:''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are in the car, on the way to Thought Camp...and ALL 3 of them are on their cell phones. Stewart is talking to a Minister, Emma is talking to Phil, and Peter is talking to his wife. )'' 
:'''Peter:''' I was picked up at seven, of course I haven't walked the dog. I barely had time to take myself for a shit. 
:'''Emma:''' Phil, I'm sure you're suffering from &quot;Peter Withdrawal&quot; symptoms, but I really, really need you to keep an eye of the Ticket issue. 
:'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp ETA 13 minutes, okay? You're taking the bridge, Kieran. 
:'''Emma:''' Okay, well, you can start by not referring to him as Gyppo. ''Or'' Gypsy, Phil. It's not, it's not the abbreviation that's the problem.
:'''Peter:''' If he has a thorn in his paw, it must be from when you took him for a walk yesterday. 
:'''Emma:''' What do you mean, &quot;You're in charge?&quot; You are not in fucking charge, you doughnut! 
:'''Stewart:''' Of course you're gonna keep me informed, I want the full crunch on all the feeds, as usual. Everything below the equator. 
:'''Peter:''' Take him to the dog hospital. (Peter's wife thinks he's being sarcastic.) No, I'm not being sarcastic! There is one! 
:'''Emma:''' Try and keep an eye on things, all right? 
:'''Peter:''' The number will be in the folder. The folder. What? (Peter sighs as he realizes he has lost the connection.)
:''(Now, all 3 members of Team Mannion are off their cell phones.)''  
:'''Peter:''' Where are you taking us, Stewart? This Mind Kampf is in the middle of nowhere.  
:'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp, Peter, and isolation is the mother of renewal. We shall retreat to go forwards.  
:'''Emma:''' Terrible signal! Phil sounded like he was phoning in a report on an African coup.
:'''Stewart:''' Why's he even gone in today?
:'''Peter:''' I put him on Tickel oversight. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, the eviction. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, cutting the guy ropes on his tent is hardly the Siege of Troy. 
:'''Emma:''' Bailiffs thought it would be easier today, quicker or quieter. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, but I want Phil sealed off, right? He makes no statement today, not even off the record. 
:'''Peter:''' He wanted to feel useful. 
:'''Stewart:''' Then he should sell his organs. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Phil are alone in the DoSAC building.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, we've got the whole palace to ourselves, eh? [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern|Rosencrantz and Guildenstern]]!  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, but [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern_Are_Dead|very much alive]]. Well, one of us.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart''' ''(to party staff arriving at Thought Camp)'': OK people, abandon phones, all ye who enter here. And watches too: time is a leash on the dog of ideas.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Stewart:''' OK lovely people, let's go truffling in the forest of knowledge.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' OK people, I'd like to start this session with a question: when is a party not a party?  
:'''Peter:''' When it's at your house?  
:''(quiet laughter)'' 
:'''Emma''' ''(quietly, annoyed)'': Peter!   
:'''Stewart:''' A party is not a party when it is plural. ''(brings up a slide of a woman on her phone in a crowd)'' There she is, the party, singular: she thinks like you, she votes like you, she is ''not'' you, and yet of course, she ''is'' you.  
:'''Peter''' ''(to himself, sighing)'': I feel like I've joined the Scientologists.
:'''Stewart:''' Some of these people want a federal Britain, others don't. And as long as we continue to do nothing, we can call that &quot;consensus.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Why am I the only senior minister here? Is JB punishing me? 
:'''Emma:''' Look, Mary Drake's here, Home Office. 
:''(Peter and Emma nod hello to Mary.)''
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' And yes, JB is punishing you. 
:'''Stewart:''' OK, let's [[wikipedia:Michael_McIntyre|McIntyre]] this: stand up. Let's find out, in fact, chairs to the side, please. 
:'''Peter:''' Great, vague prancing about. 
:'''Mary Drake:''' Isn't that one of the fundamental principles of democracy? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Oh, I'm sorry, Peter, you want to share your thoughts? 
:'''Peter:''' Hmm? No, we just hoped we were going to do some dancing, er, Stewart. What, Merce Cunningham, something like that? 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, maybe later you can share it with us. But first of all, let me share something with you. How about this, Silicon Playgrounds, yeah? What caused this slow-motion pile up? Shall we sit down and chew over &quot;hash-tag epic fail?&quot; Or shall we try and get some solutions on their feet? That's it, just put it at the side, Peter. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Glenn is bringing a tray of coffee and biscuits into Fergus's office.)''  
:'''Adam:''' Glenn, you're a marvel, you know, you're like a modern-day [[wikipedia:Jeeves|Jeeves]]. Only not modern. Day. You're like Jeeves, but only not as good.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus is bringing Tara Strachan, a strikingly beautiful economist, to DoSAC HQ.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' Here we are, at the Coalface. ''(to Adam)'' Ah. Adam, this is Tara Strachan. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Tara)'' Hello, lovely to meet you. 
:'''Tara Strachan:''' Hi there. 
:'''Adam:''' Really lovely, lovely. 
:'''Fergus:''' Shall we, er...She's an economist...
:'''Adam:''' Real pleasure, actually. 
:'''Fergus:''' ...and a lady. 
:'''Adam:''' Yes, obviously. Lovely. 
:''(Fergus and Adam are quite happy to see Tara. Phil, on the other hand, is a little confused.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' What's going on? Who's the skirt? 
:'''Adam:''' Oh, I'd love to bring you up to speed, Phil. I really would, but I'm not gonna live long enough. So tell you what, why don't you go and help Glenn watch his telly? I think the dancing's on in a minute. 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' I really like your coat, by the way. 
:'''Tara:''' (quite flattered) Thank you. Thank you.
:'''Fergus:''' It's like a leopard. 
:'''Tara:''' It is a little bit. 
:'''Fergus:''' Or a cheetah. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Tara is sharing her idea for micro banking with Fergus and Adam.)''
:'''Tara:''' The beauty of this model...
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. 
:'''Tara:''' ...um, is that micro banking can happen anywhere, okay? 
:'''Fergus:''' Great. 
:'''Tara:''' Small, low-interest loans, that's the way forward. 
:'''Adam:''' This is terrific. I mean, it's so fucking us, it's brilliant. 
:'''Fergus:''' (trying to calm Adam down) Adam, Adam. 
:'''Adam:''' Ah.
:'''Tara:''' Oh, don't worry, I don't mind swearing. Shows passion. I've done some community enterprise case studies. Sisters who want to set up a pop-up baker's in a disused travel agents, the boiler guy who wants to take on an apprentice. 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. 
:'''Fergus:''' The helping hand for hands-on people. 
:'''Tara:''' Yeah. 
:'''Adam:''' I like that, that's great. That's really good. 
:'''Fergus:''' Making  sure the can-doers don't get canned. 
:'''Adam:''' Terrific. Yeah, really good. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, at Thought Camp, Peter is playing a &quot;mind game.&quot; He has a Post-It note stuck to his head with a political issue written on it, and he has to guess what it is. He needs Mary Drake's help.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Would I be comfortable or uncomfortable...
:'''Stewart:''' Yes or no questions only, please, Peter. 
:'''Peter:''' Would I be uncomfortable talking to Andrew Marr about this concept on the television? 
:'''Mary:''' Yes. 
:'''Peter:''' Am I Diversity? 
:'''Mary:''' No. 
:'''Stewart:''' You're out of questions, Peter. 
:''(Peter finally takes the Post-It note off his head -- and then gets REALLY upset.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake! Inclusivity's practically the same as Diversity! 
:'''Mary:''' ''(chuckles)'' No it's not. 
:'''Stewart:''' No it isn't, Peter. 
:'''Peter:''' I could be at home watching the snooker with a bottle of unpronounceable scotch. Can I sit down now? ''(Peter sits down)'' I'm sitting down, I don't care. 
:'''Stewart:''' Actually, we can all sit down now. Thanks, Peter. Um, so take a chair 'cause Emma's going to co-steer module four with me. We're gonna do a kind of Top Trumps stats check on the PM's future enemies, yeah? Strengths, weaknesses, blocking moves and take-downs. Em. 
:'''Emma:''' Great. Thank you, Stewart. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' You've turned into the wrong Mitford sister.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, back at DoSAC HQ, the Banking Brainstorm continues...)'' 
:'''Tara:''' Basically, we'd set up a network of microcredit lenders at neighborhood level. 
:'''Adam:''' This is great. So what would it be called? Like the Citizen's Bank, or...
:'''Fergus:''' The People's Bank? 
:'''Tara:''' Um, Community...
:'''Fergus:''' The Credit Fund? ''(correcting himself)'' No, no, credit's a bad word. 
:'''Adam:''' Negative. Something, something with &quot;Advance...&quot; 
:'''Fergus:''' The We Bank? 
:'''Tara:''' The We Bank. 
:'''Adam:''' I like that. 
:'''Fergus:''' Although it does sound a bit like a...sperm bank. But for wee. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn is reporting the latest Tickel Watch news to Phil.)''
:'''Glenn:''' There's a bit of a farce going on here with your Mr. Tickle. They've turned up to evict him and he's not there.
:'''Phil:''' Good. Self-evicted. Gone. Problem solved. Anyway, what's going on with Fergus and Adam and the &quot;Sexy Stranger?&quot; She's some kind of economist, apparently. 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't be ridiculous, she's far too attractive. 
:'''Phil:''' You can get sexy economists. What about Stephanie Flanders on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, that's true. I quite like Emily Maitlis. 
:'''Phil:''' Really? Well, I'm sure she'd love a grey pounding. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Tara:''' Do you want to have an &quot;ideagasm?&quot; 
:'''Adam:''' ''(very much turned on)'' Yes, please. 
:'''Tara:''' Ask me how we'd initially fund this. 
:'''Fergus &amp; Adam:''' How would we initially fund this? 
:'''Tara:''' A one-off Robin Hood tax. Steal from the fat cats, raise enough seed capital for hundreds of start-up funds for fledgling businesses. 
:'''Adam:''' You know what? This could work really well for us. This, this is, yeah. 
:'''Tara:''' Yeah? 
:'''Adam:''' I mean, let's just talk, uh, figures. What sort of start-up capital are we talking here? 
:'''Tara:''' Not very much. I think we're looking at about £2 billion. 
:'''Fergus:''' £2 billion?
:'''Tara:''' £2 billion. 
:'''Fergus:''' Good. Well, um...I mean, obviously, I'd have to ring the Treasury. 
:'''Tara:''' Sure. 
:'''Fergus:''' And twist a few arms. You know, it'll take a couple of weeks to work up, but we are extremely keen to set that process in motion.  
:''(Stewart and his team are discussing potential new Leaders of the Opposition at Thought Camp.)''
:'''Stewart:''' OK, let's architecturalise this, yeah?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, don't bother. If it's Ben Swain, we all shout ''Sweaty Swain'' as he dehydrates himself through PMQs. Holhurst looks like a shepherd dressed up to meet the Queen, and if it's Dan Miller we're fucked.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Tara:''' I should tell you I do also have a meeting with Dan Miller booked in. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(suddenly concerned)'' What? I would just knock that right on the head. Don't -- don't do it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Well... ''(awkward laughter from all 3 people)'' He's in opposition. We rule. 
:'''Adam:''' We're the rulers, we're the governors. 
:'''Fergus:''' And, you know, in the end...this is so fucking us. 
:'''Adam:''' Fuck yeah! 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil's looking up Tara Strachan's bio on his cell phone.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Here, uh, &quot;Tara Strachan, LSE, Harvard, author of ''Strapped: Why We're in Debt to Each Other,'' ''Small is Bountiful,'' Expert in micro-financing and community credit guilds.&quot; God, that sounds dreary. 
:'''Glenn:''' Bloody hell, that's all Fourth Sector stuff! I mean, why have they kept me out here like a stray dog? 
:'''Phil:''' And why are they keeping Mannion out of it? This is-this is government business!   
:''(Phil suddenly realizes that Adam and Fergus are working on a policy behind Peter's back. Phil runs to Fergus's office.)''  
:'''Phil:''' Right, that's enough. Stop, stop, stop! I demand an explanation.  
:'''Adam:''' Sorry, Phil, we're busy. Maybe come back in, I don't know, 2017?   
:'''Phil:''' As Peter's representative, it's as though you lied to him. That's not good, probably illegal.  
:'''Adam:''' If you want to see something probably illegal, pass me that fucking stapler over there!  
:'''Tara:''' Er, listen, is there a problem with me being here?   
:'''Fergus:''' Not at all. 
:'''Phil:''' Yes, you're not supposed to be here, the minister is unaware that you're here, so I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.  
:'''Adam:''' Oh right, so she's a security risk? Oh no no no! I'd forgotten: you're not allowed within 50 feet of most women.  
:'''Phil:''' How do you explain this, then? ''(waves his arm in and out of Adam's personal space)'' I'm within 50 feet of you. Hahaha. ''You're'' a woman.
:'''Adam:''' Oh, brilliant. That is really good.
:''(They stop bickering when they hear Glenn)''
:'''Glenn''': ''(offscreen)'' FUCK! TICKLE'S DEAD!
:'''Phil:''' Oh shit...!
:'''Adam:''' Jesus...!
:''(Phil, Fergus and Adam run to the TV, where Glenn is watching [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|BBC News]])''
:'''Glenn:''' Oh God, he's killed himself, suicide. He used a car exhaust.
:'''Phil:''' Hey, classic: the Bohemian Rhapsody of suicide.
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Phil, for fuck's sake!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Adam doesn't like the way that Phil is handling the latest DoSAC crisis -- to say the least.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' It's like there's a little twelve-year-old boy, in a suit, with a fucking light saber in his desk - don't think I don't know it's there - running this department when Mannion's away...
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, so what? 
:'''Adam:''' It's a fucking joke! 
:'''Phil:''' No it's not! No it's not! Have you ever seen ''Game of Thrones'' Season 2? 
:'''Adam:''' No! 
:'''Phil:''' Or Anakin Skywalker, he was young. Frodo, in his thirties, still young for a hobbit. You know, I'm in charge, because I'm a Jedi and you're a fucking Ewok! 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. What is the Ewok position on this, then? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus, Adam, Glenn and Phil are trying to get a handle on the news of Mr. Tickel's suicide.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' The line from Stewart via Emma was that I do nothing. That was the one clear instruction they gave me, okay? We ignore him and he goes away. 
:'''Fergus:''' He is dead. 
:'''Phil:''' Which makes him easier to ignore. 
:'''Fergus:''' As a minister, I should at least express condolences. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(stammering)'' That-that-that should come from Peter. 
:'''Fergus:''' But he's not here. I am. 
:''(Terri enters the room.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Has anyone seen my Bluetooth headset? 
:'''Phil:''' Look, I speak for Peter and I say that we look guilty if we say we're sorry he died. 
:'''Terri:''' I'll take that as a no. 
:'''Adam:''' Listen, Phil. I was a journalist, okay? Now if you don't respond, you create a vacuum that sucks in speculation, and then you can't respond. You get sucked fucking inside-out! 
:'''Phil:''' Look, Tickle wasn't the Queen of People's Hearts, he was a twat in a tent. 
:'''Glenn:''' TICK-EL! HE WAS CALLED TICK-EL! WE DROVE A MAN TO HIS DEATH! WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Fergus and Adam FINALLY come back to see Tara to tell her the good news about launching the bank.)''
:'''Fergus:''' Great stuff, Tara. We're gonna go ahead with the bank. 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, meeting's over. 
:'''Tara:''' ''(surprised)'' Don't you need to talk to the Treasury? 
:'''Fergus:''' We've done that. 
:'''Tara:''' Okay, Well, um, let's talk details. When it comes to interest rates, obviously you've got...
:'''Adam:''' ''(jokingly)'' Well, hey, you know, don't talk us out of it. You don't wanna do that. 
:'''Tara:''' ''(smiling)'' So, is-is this the green light? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh-huh! Yep! £2 billion! 
:'''Tara:''' Oh my God! 
:''(An overjoyed Tara gives both Fergus and Adam a hug, much to their surprise!)'' 
:'''Tara:''' We'll be in touch! 
:'''Fergus &amp; Adam:''' Thank you. 
:'''Tara:''' Thank you. 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara, walking her to the elevator)'' Lovely to meet you, great. 
:''(Phil is wondering what policy Fergus, Adam, and Tara have just launched...)'' 
:'''Phil:''' What have we just green-lit?  
:'''Adam:''' Well, we are starting a community bank with £2 billion.  
:'''Phil:''' Right, is that the £2 billion we keep in the biscuit tin?
:'''Glenn:''' This is just great. This is just fucking great. I hang around this moral abattoir to do something exactly like this and you shut me out? 
:'''Terri:''' So, I'm spending my bank holiday founding a bank? I thought the point about bank holidays is that they're supposed to be shut. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus is still talking to Tara while walking her to the elevator. They're still excited about the bank.)''
:'''Fergus:''' You know, when we see something we like, we just buy it. 
:'''Tara:''' Oh, wow. 
:'''Fergus:''' That's the way we work round here. 
:'''Tara:''' I hope the Tickel, um...situation is all okay. 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, well, it'll be fine. 
:'''Tara:''' Thank you. 
:'''Fergus:''' Great. Lovely to meet you. 
:'''Tara:''' See you soon. 
:''(As soon as the elevator Tara's traveling in closes, Fergus runs back to the offices and takes charge of the situation.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' Right! I'm in fucking charge! And I'm going Nordic drama! ''(to Adam)'' Adam, secure the economist. ''(to Phil)'' You, get Stewart and Mannion back here STAT! 
:'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Got that, guys? Yeah? Okay? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(calling out to Fergus)'' Sure. I'll-I'll do it your way for now, Fergus, but, uh, they left me in charge for a reason. 
:'''Adam:''' I bet you line up all your action figures on the edge of your bath, don't you? 
:'''Phil:''' 1: I've got a shower. And 2: They're still in the boxes. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil, sitting in Peter's office chair, has just left a voicemail for Emma.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(entering)'': Have you got any of them yet?   
:'''Phil:''' No, everyone's ignoring me. It's like the first year of university all over again. Fuck it, the whole of university! ''(Peter's office phone rings.)'' Jesus. ''(answers)'' Hello? No, I can categorically say that Peter Mannion will not be resigning over this. Thank you. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' Who was that? 
:'''Phil:''' ''[[wikipedia:The_World_at_One|World At One]]''. I handled it.  
:'''Terri:''' You don't handle ''The World At One'', Phil, they're not stolen goods. Now listen, if you want to go and play phones, you can go down to the crèche where there's a big phone with big boggly eyes that go round and round when you wheel it about. Now piddle off!  
:''(Phil leaves. Terri sits down in Peter's chair.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' We've got to put something out there, Terri.  
:'''Terri''': That boy is a simpleton. Two hundred years ago, they wouldn't have let him milk a cow. ''(phones a journalist)'' Jonty! Terri here over at Hectic House. ''(laughing)'' No! No, Peter's not resigning!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Female party worker:''' Free apples! ''[throws ball]''
:'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Male party worker:''' Uh, free coffins. ''[throws ball]''
:'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Peter:''' Reduce the deficit with spending cuts.
:'''Everyone except Stewart:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter, I want to hear new ideas ricocheting off your synapses like a pinball, not just a two year old slogan.
:'''Peter:''' Okay, Doctor Jazz, let's hear it. ''[throws ball]''
:'''Stewart:''' We do away with computers.
:'''Everyone except Peter:''' Yes and h-
:'''Peter:''' ''You idiot!'' That's '''''fucking''''' mental!
:'''Stewart:''' No blocking, Peter, only counterpoint. Do away with computers, what do we think? How will it affect us? Good idea? Bad idea?
:'''Peter:''' Good idea for me, I wouldn't get anymore of your ''fucking'' emails. ''[Peter gets up]''
:'''Stewart:''' Try and stay cross-legged if you can, but don't break the circle...
:'''Peter:''' I'm 54, Stewart. My knees are fucked and my patience is snapped. Some of us had to go through this hippie shit the first time around.
:'''Stewart:''' I'm not talking about trying to sell it to the electorate, Peter. I'm talking about exploring it within the free space of the circle.
:'''Peter:''' Okay, give me the ball. Give me the ball! Give me the ball. ''(Peter tries to wrestle the ball away from Stewart)''
:'''Stewart:''' No!
:'''Peter:''' Give me... give me the ''FUCKING'' ball, Stewart! ''[grabs the ball]'' Let's do away with you.
:'''Stewart:''' What?
:'''Peter:''' Filter's off, Daddy-o! Let it all hang out! Just suppose your free-range no-consequence bullshit was hugely entertaining when we were in opposition and shitting money, but now we're in government and it's all gone a bit [[wikipedia:J._G._Ballard|J.G. Ballard]], it's irrelevant and infantile! 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, very droll, Peter.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, and maybe the reason you don't mind handing your phone in is that it doesn't ring as much as it used to. Oh, sorry; ''doesn't ring as much as it used to, yes and ho.''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn:''' Want the opinion of an old lag? Mannion will have to go.  
:'''Phil:''' Stick to 'policemen are getting younger', Glenn. Peter's going nowhere, and I don't mean that in a Glenn's career kind of way.  
:'''Glenn:''' I've seen a lot of people resign, and they're always happier afterwards.  
:'''Phil:''' You're thinking of lobotomies. Peter resigns over my dead body.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, that would be the ideal scenario.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are wondering why they have been called away from the Thought Camp.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' It's probably just Phil, he'll have run out of colouring books or something.  
:'''Peter:''' Anything to get out of Stewart's think sphincter.
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the hotel receptionist)'' Hello, receptionist. Could I have my phone, please? 
:'''Receptionist:''' Um, your name, sir?  
:'''Stewart:''' It's Stewart. 
:'''Receptionist:''' Stewart? 
:'''Stewart:''' Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Peter:''' Peter Mannion. Mine's the old Nokia. Yeah, thank you. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, mine's the one with Stewart written on it. 
:''(Nobody can get a good reception on the phones...)'' 
:'''Peter:''' I can't get any reception. 
:'''Receptionist:''' No, you won't round here. 
:'''Peter:''' What?
:'''Receptionist:''' &quot;No reception at reception,&quot; we always say. The best spot, sounds stupid, is the children's play area, top of the slide? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Peter and Stewart are forced to run over to the playground to get a reception!)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' God, I hate the country. ''(to Peter)'' Get higher, you idiot. 
:'''Peter:''' That's it, that's it, I've got something. 
:'''Stewart:''' Download the intel, Peter. Come on, put it on speaker. 
:'''Peter:''' No, I've got loads of messages from my wife and from Phil. 
:''(Peter's listening to the messages on his cell phone.)''
:'''Peter:''' She's taking the dog to the hospital...
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, come on. 
:'''Peter:''' She's had a long wait...the wound in his paw's gone septic. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh please, Peter, move on. 
:'''Peter:''' Tickle's dead. 
:'''Stewart:''' What? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(stunned)'' Tickle's dead. 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, it's my turn on that signal, Peter, get down. 
:'''Peter:''' Wait, I'm listening to the message! I'm listening to the fucking message! Don't --
:'''Stewart:''' I need to get this signal! 
:''(Peter still doesn't want to slide down the slide.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Stop being so childish! 
:'''Peter:''' Jesus Christ! 
:'''Stewart:''' Just get down, Peter. 
:''(Peter slides down the slide.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I've got it! I've got it! 
:''(Emma's come over to the playground.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Playtime's over. Tickle's dead, okay? Number 10's gone off the hook mental. Stewart, take my phone to call the PM. ''(Emma gives Stewart her cell phone.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' Right, Phil's meeting us, he's going to bring a shirt, suit and tie. You are not going to arrive looking like the manager of an organic wine bar. ''(to both Peter and Stewart)'' Right. Come on, come on, come on! Movement! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Fergus, Adam and Glenn are discussing strategy back at DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, anyway, um, Mannion has surely got to freeze housing disposals now. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. And on that point, Glenn, I wonder if it might be at all helpful if we collated every single statement Mannion's made about Tickle and the sell-off policy? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, as a sort of favor to selected hacks. Put a bit of air between us and the policy. A ''lot'' of air. 
:'''Glenn:''' Adam, this is not the time for party political point-scoring. At least let the body get cold. 
:'''Fergus:''' Of course, understood. What was it? What was it Peter said to those Welsh chartered surveyors?
:'''Adam:''' The health service should be for care, not subsidized housing. I mean, that is...
:''(Adam mimes an explosion.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus, is this what we came into politics for? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. That and the pussy. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In the car back to DoSAC HQ from Thought Camp, Phil hands Peter a rainbow tie.)''  
:'''Peter:''' What's that? I'm supposed to be commenting on a suicide, not a fucking camel race!  
:'''Phil:''' I thought it would balance out the bad news. You know, yin-yang. [[wikipedia:Jon_Snow_(journalist)|Jon Snow]] does it.  
:'''Stewart''' ''(on his phone)'': I want Tickle's movements over the last 24 hours, and I want his complete mental health records since he first sat on a potty.  
:'''Peter:''' Do you think you might need one or two computers for that, Stewart?
:'''Emma:''' ''(on her phone)'' Yeah, okay, well, we're going to try and dredge up some firefighting strategy. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I'll top-load you as soon as we arrive. Yeah, thanks, okay. All right, bye. 
:''(Peter is struggling to put his suit jacket on with his seatbelt on.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Can I, can I take the seatbelt off? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' No, Peter. ''(Emma then sees Stewart tapping his head nervously.)'' Stewart, what are you doing? 
:'''Stewart:''' It-It helps with the car sickness. 
:'''Peter:''' This is great, isn't it, Stewart? A conference on crisis management that's been scuppered by an actual fucking crisis.  
:'''Phil:''' We don't even know why he killed himself yet. I mean, suicide, it's pathetic! At least take some of your enemies with you, that's a noble death.  
:'''Emma:''' This is going completely nuts, so many questions being asked!  
:'''Stewart:''' Yes, starting with &quot;Why did Phil bring a tie from the '90s?&quot;   
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, don't panic, I brought an alternative. ''(shows Peter a black tie)''  
:'''Peter:''' But that's too far the other way!  
:'''Stewart:''' It makes him look guilty. 
:'''Phil:''' How can he be guilty? He's got the perfect alibi, he was at boot camp.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh!   
:'''Emma:''' Brilliant, let's release that, hey? 'There's no actual blood on his hands ''and'' he remembered to wipe the fingerprints off the knife!'  
:'''Phil''' ''(showing Peter his tie)'': Look, you can wear my tie, what about mine?   
:'''Peter:''' What's on your tie? 
:'''Phil:''' Tintin moon rockets.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake!  
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Phil)'' God, it amazes me you ever found your way out of your mother's womb!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Terri, poppet, can you send me out a cry-mail, 'We give a toss, we're sorry for your loss', yeah? Peter, we might need to relaunch the trousers. And get him a tie, a bland one; Glenn, one of yours, yeah?
:''(Phil goes to get Glenn's tie)''
:'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, I have a bit of news I should probably make you aware of.
:'''Peter:''' Yes I do know, Fergus, a man with an amusing name has died.
:'''Fergus:''' Er, no, actually, it's that this morning I, well, I set up a community bank.
:'''Emma:''' ... What?
:'''Peter:''' You did what? You s– You set up a bank?
:'''Phil''' ''(returning with Glenn's tie)'': I had a moment of weakness and they exploited it, like [[wikipedia:Hugh Grant|Hugh Grant]].
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, we didn't really have much choice 'cause it was all going to piss in a kettle here, so we had to get the economist out of the way.
:'''Peter:''' What are you talking about? What economist?
:'''Fergus:''' Well, we were having a preliminary meeting when Phil started to crow, Glenn was having a meltdown, it was getting embarrassing!
:'''Peter''': You bought a bank out of social embarrassment? I sometimes buy ''[[wikipedia:The_Big_Issue|The Big Issue]]'' out of social embarrassment, I don't buy a ''fucking '''bank!'''
:'''Fergus:''' Peter, this is so fucking us.
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, let me just wind back, right? Let's get this straight, just so that I can deal with you two properly: how much is this bank?
:'''Fergus and Adam:''' Well, £2 billion.
:'''Emma:''' ''£2 billion?''
:'''Stewart:''' Sweet Tracey Emin!
:'''Adam:''' Alright, don't need to shit yourself about it, because we're not buying it. OK? It's funded by taxes.
:'''Emma:''' Oh, that's alright then!
:'''Peter:''' Oh great, the triple! I'm a nurse-killer, a banker, and now I'm raising '''''fucking TAXES?'''''
:'''Fergus:''' Well, you are meant to be the bad cop, so what's our out?
:''(Phil drapes Glenn's tie around Peter's neck)''
:'''Peter:''' You're giving me an actual noose along with a metaphorical one. TROUSERS!
:'''Phil:''' Sorry, I'm getting the trousers – ''(interrupted by an alert on his phone)'' Jesus! What were you guys doing at the hotel? There's a picture of you on a slide, it's been tweeted by a golfer.
:'''Emma:''' ''(looks at the photo)'' Oh, f–   
:'''Stewart:''' ''(receiving Phil's phone)'' No no no no no no...  
:'''Phil:''' It's gonna go big, probably viral. Bigger than ''[[wikipedia:Charlie_Bit_My_Finger|Charlie Bit My Finger]]''.  
:'''Adam:''' You look like the [[wikipedia:The_Swiss_Family_Robinson|Shit Family Robinson]].  
:''(Stewart suddenly screams and hurls Phil's phone at the wall, narrowly missing Emma)''  
:'''Emma:''' Jesus Christ!   
:'''Terri:''' Shit!  
:''(Stewart storms off)''   
:'''Adam:''' Oh, poor Stewart. I think a bit of his brain broke.  
:'''Phil:''' My phone broke! I was up to Warlock General in Dragonlance! A year of my life, gone! 
:'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, speaking of socially embarrassing situations, what the fuck were you doing being photographed ''on a slide''?   
:'''Peter:''' It was the only place we could get a FUCKING SIGNAL!  
:'''Fergus:''' Two grown men in a playground, that's a pretty 'clear signal'.
:'''Emma:''' Peter, Number 10 have seen the photo. They don't want you to make a statement. So Fergus, looks like you're up. Statement on Tickle in 10 minutes, OK?
:'''Fergus:''' Bring it! 
:'''Emma:''' I'm gonna go and talk Stewart down. 
:''(Phil tries to hand the pair of trousers to Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' I don't want the fucking trousers!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil gives Glenn his tie back.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Here you go, I managed to wrestle your tie back off Terri. I think there's still some of her fingernails in it, though. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, in the grand scheme of things, that's not such a big deal. 
:'''Phil:''' You're not going to come and watch your guy give the statement? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. He's not my guy, Phil. I'm on my own here, there's no one quite like me. Not here, not any more. 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. You're the last [[wikipedia:VHS|VHS]] in [[wikipedia:Oxfam|Oxfam]]. They won't take them anymore, I've tried. Seasons 1 to 5 of ''[[wikipedia:The_X-Files|The X-Files]]'', nothing, can't give them away.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter and Stewart share an unexpected bonding moment over their mutual dislike of Fergus while watching him on TV.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(talking to the reporters)'' ...for a fairer NHS, for a fairer public housing program. 
:'''Peter:''' He's exactly why people hate politicians. He's making me hate politicians -- ''him'' in particular. 
:'''Stewart:''' Any second now, he's gonna do the imaginary tits. 
:''(Fergus does the &quot;imaginary tits...&quot;)'' 
:'''Peter:''' There they are. ''(Both Peter and Stewart let out sarcastic chuckles.)''
:'''Fergus:''' Thank you. ''(Fergus heads back inside.)''
:'''Peter:''' Look at him. ''(beat)'' Moments like this make you realize why Elvis shot so many TVs.

==Series 4, Episode 4==
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Sam, hi, listen, can you do me a favour? Buy some flowers for Nicola fucking Murray. Yeah, have them delivered to her home this evening with a card that says: &quot;Sorry you had to go, but let's face it, you are a fucking waste of skin&quot;. Waste of skin, yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to a hospital receptionist)'' Morning. I'm looking for a Mr. Oliver Reeder. He looks a bit like a Quentin Blake illustration. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answers his mobile)'' Hi Mum. Yeah, a bit sore –  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering Ollie's room)'' Here she is, Britain's latest post-op transsexual. How did they do that, did they actually manage to graft one on? ''(briefly lifts up Ollie's bedsheet)''  
:'''Ollie:''' I'll call you back, Mum. ''(hangs up)'' It's the scary Morrissey!  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie some flowers)'' I've come to cheer you up.  
:'''Ollie:''' Did you actually buy me flowers, Malcolm?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no, it's [[wikipedia:Roadside_memorial|one of the many advantages]] of living close to an accident blackspot. So how are things, the little boy from ''The Secret Garden?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you know, there's no Wi-Fi, there's basic Freeview. It's like living in 2003. But I am lighter to the tune of one whole appendix, so I do feel very svelte. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So have you seen this? ''(holds up the'' Guardian'', which leads with an interview with Steve Fleming)''  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(reads the headline)'' &quot;Nicola Murray is 'unelectable'&quot;?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie the paper)'' Fleming is foaming.  
:'''Ollie:''' Is that it then, is she fucked?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Like [[w:Caligula|Caligula]]'s favourite watermelon. Fleming's fired the starting pistol so we can all start firing our ''actual'' pistols into her fucking fat unelectable smug head.
:'''Ollie:''' How...Is this it now?
:'''Malcolm:''' It's on. It's on like Fat Pat's thong. We're putting Nicola on a train today to Bradford. It's the closest as I could get to locking her in a metal box. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, this is the Here 2 Hear thing. What a great idea, going around the country listening to people tell you that they hate you, just in different accents. ''(In various accents)'' &quot;I fucking hate you.&quot; &quot;I hate you.&quot; &quot;I fucking hate you.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' So wait, today's the day?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Today's the day. Once she's on the train, I'm going to detonate the main bomb, but I need you to set one off later.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Malcolm, I'm in hospital, I'm not wearing any pants!  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if you've been dead for a year and playing cribbage with [[wikipedia:Jimmy_Savile|Jimmy fucking Savile]]. I want you to make a bomb and explode it, today.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(confused)'' This is a metaphorical bomb, right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is it, [[wikipedia:Jack_Bauer|Jack fucking Bauer]]. Time for you to embrace your inner bastard.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not going to exploit a suicide.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Come on, you can't look a gift corpse in the mouth, you should be taking that corpse and slapping the Government about the face with it. Bit of slap with Tickle, yeah?  
:'''Nicola:''' No, I'm not doing it, it's insensitive, as was that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Erm, John, maybe –  
:'''John Duggan:''' Please, call me JD, I've rebranded.  
:'''Nicola:''' Right. So John, if you could get us some drinks, that would be great.  
:'''John Duggan:''' Abso-dutely, I could murder a lager! It's all right drinking on trains, isn't it, it's one of those places where alcohol is acceptable at any time of day, like a casino, or Cardiff. That's not racist. I could have said Glasgow, or Dublin.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben''' ''(to two colleagues)'': Yeah, it's a [[wikipedia:Nigella_Lawson|Nigella]] recipe, you sort of do it with gammon and Coca-Cola. That's fantastic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, the hairless [[wikipedia:Rubeus_Hagrid|Hagrid]]. I need a private word.  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, we're kind of in the middle of something.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben's colleagues)'': I need you lot to make like a tree and go fuck yourselves.  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, we'll pick this up later.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben's empty desk)'': Oh I'm sorry, I can come back if you're – I didn't realise you were so fucking busy.  
:'''Ben:''' Well, I could do some work, but you know what, we're still gonna lose.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey. Don't be so grim, you big quim. You are the future of this party, yeah? You are the next generation. 
:'''Ben:''' And you're in its past, I mean – I don't really know why you're still here, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I just want to see this thing turn around, right? I can't leave while we're getting fucked in the polls, and we're getting fucked consistently and repeatedly like a horse in the fucking Hebrides.
:'''Ben:''' All very original observations, Malcolm MacIntucker, but what's the solution? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola has to go. Today. 
:'''Ben:''' Oh, right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You need to resign. 
:'''Ben:''' And challenge her for the leadership? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, no. No, that would be petty and self-interested. No. You are doing this for the greater good of the party. As Deputy Leader, Dan Miller will take over, and he can be anointed at a later date.  
:'''Ben:''' So, you want me to stick my cock in a fan so that Dan Miller can become the next Prime Minister? Well fuck you very much, Malcolm. What do ''I'' get out of this?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I would not ask you to do this for nothing, would I?  
:'''Ben:''' You might.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm asking you, because you're a big fucking beast. Which is why, when you come back, it'll be as Foreign Secretary.  
:'''Ben:''' And you mean Foreign Secretary, that isn't code for, like, Northern Ireland, I'm not fucking going there.  
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the proper Foreign Secretary, with all the perks. Fuck-off breakfasts at Dubai hotels. Tours of secret Russian sex yachts.  
:'''Ben:''' All right! All right, I'll do it. And you know what? I'd have done it for a lot less.
:'''Malcolm:''' I beg your pardon? 
:'''Ben:''' I'd have done it just to see the look on Nicola's face. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh. I've underestimated you. 
:'''Ben:''' ''(quite proud of himself)'' You have been out-maneuvered by a player. It happens. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well...didn't used to. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' God, this is absolutely ridiculous. We so should have sat separately in first!  
:'''Helen:''' You can't go in first class, it's career suicide. You might as well do a shit in the aisle.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Glenn Cullen is visiting Ollie Reeder in the hospital)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' So go on, then. How's life in Nazi HQ? Is it fun collaborating? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't start all that again. I got into government by accident. 
:'''Ollie:''' Speaking of which, how is Terri? 
:'''Glenn:''' She's entering her dog for ''Britain's Got Talent.'' 
:''(Ollie lets out a big laugh)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Look, what's the matter with you anyway? Please tell me you're looking for a bone marrow donor and that I'm your only hope. The answer would be no, by the way. 
:'''Ollie:''' Bad luck. No, it's an appendix out. Well, I hope it is. Since your lot took over the NHS, everything's a fucking adventure, isn't it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Look, all this is incredibly entertaining, Ollie. But you called me over in my lunch hour, and as you're fond of saying, I don't have many of them left. 
:'''Ollie:''' So you know all this stuff with Mr. Tickle?  
:'''Glenn:''' Sad business.  
:'''Ollie:''' Very sad business.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Mr. Sad is actually very very sad about it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. Mr. Happy, on the other hand: fucking delighted!  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah? Mr. Stoic's taking it on the chin.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes! Mr. Milk-it says we should probably stop this now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Okey doke.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola''' ''(returning to her seat)'': Right, wee mission accomplished.  
:'''John Duggan''': Actually, having an accurate wee into a moving train toilet would make a great round on ''[[wikipedia:The_Cube_(game_show)|The Cube]]'' with Phillip Schofield.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn''' ''(entering the toilet)'': Ollie, come on, this is my shittiest lunch break I've had since Stewart took us all out for sushi.  
:'''Ollie:''' Patience, old man, and you can watch the fuckpuppet master at work now. ''(calls Ben)'' Ben Swain! Benign tumour, Bental illness!  
:'''Ben:''' Ol– Oliver Cyst, Olivetti – Spaghet– I don't really have time for chit-chat, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' Are you resigning, mate, are you dropping the R-bomb? [[wikipedia:Enola_Gay|Benola Gay]]? I'm not just, er, talking about the rumours.  
:'''Ben:''' Let's just say it is time to prepare the hidey-hole for Madame Hussein, her reign of error is over.  
:'''Ollie:''' And out of interest, Ben, what would it take to stop you from resigning?  
:'''Ben:''' Why, what's Nicola offering?  
:'''Ollie:''' Name your price!  
:'''Ben:''' All right. Shadow Chancellor.  
:''(Ollie laughs. Glenn barely stops himself from doing so as well.)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Ah, you still got it, Benny.  
:'''Ben:''' I'm serious, stop fucking laughing.  
:'''Ollie:''' All right, I'll call you back. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Glenn:''' This is a fucking joke! Ben Swain, Chancellor? He goes into debt every time he passes a sweet shop!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his phone)'': What have you got for me, Professor Brian Cock?  
:'''Ollie:''' Ben small-balled it. Nicola's offered him Shadow Chancellor, he's not resigning. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ in a diamond heist, the dopey fucking bollard. Right, how are you getting on with the old man from ''[[Up (2009 film)|Up]]''?  
:''(Glenn is waiting outside the toilet)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, getting there.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, get a move on. I want him leaking like [[wikipedia:Cliff_Richard|Cliff Richard]] out jogging.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right. OK. I'll be right on it. ''(hangs up)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(entering Ben's office)'': Oh, here she is. [[wikipedia:Pippa_Middleton|Pippa Middleton]], trying to steal the limelight with your peachy little arse. Right, where are we?  
:'''Dan:''' Well, I've just offered Ben here Deputy Leadership of the party.  
:'''Ben:''' I don't want it. I want Chancellor.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(surprised)'': Chancellor? Of the United Kingdom?  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, it's what Nicola's offering me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you sure about this Ben, how's your economics?  
:'''Ben:''' Good, strong.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What, you're a [[wikipedia:Philosophy,_Politics_and_Economics|PPE]]-er guy?  
:'''Ben:''' No, History of Art, but –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh right, so you are confident that one day you will be able to shepherd this country out of one of the darkest economic periods in its entire fucking art history?  
:'''Ben:''' Look, at the moment, I hold all the cards, including the card that tells you how to play, so – so [[wikipedia:It_ain't_over_till_the_fat_lady_sings|it's over. The fat lady's singing]].  
:'''Malcolm:''' No she's not. The [[wikipedia:Wynne_Evans|fat man]] from the [[wikipedia:Gocompare.com|GoCompare]] adverts is talking.  
:'''Ben:''' This is tiger-by-the-tail time and I'm loving it, loving it, loving it!  
:'''Dan:''' Oh, in that case you leave me no option, Ben, I'm gonna have to say yes.  
:'''Ben:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:Chumbawamba|Chumba-fucking-wamba]]! Then I resign on the dotted line.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Can you give us a minute, Ben, please? Dan and I need to talk some strategy.  
:'''Ben:''' Might head in the direction of confection; any snack-age, anyone?  
:'''Dan:''' No, no.  
:''(Ben leaves)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this for real?  
:'''Dan:''' No, of course it's not for real, Malcolm. I'm offering him Chancellor, but I might as well be offering him bass player in [[wikipedia:The_Wurzels|The Wurzels]], because that burly haemorrhoid's getting nowhere near any fucking cabinet of mine.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Good, so how are you gonna shaft him?  
:'''Dan:''' That's not my problem. That's your problem, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, so this is a little test, is it, you're weighing my balls?  
:''(Dan nods and smiles.)''  
:'''Dan:''' Should we get Ben?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:I'll_be_back|he'll be back]]. Like the shit [[wikipedia:Terminator_(character)|Terminator]]. ''(Ben returns)'' There he is.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' I hereby tweet, 'I have resigned. More to follow.' Didn't seem that momentous.  
:'''Malcolm:''' How many followers have you got?  
:'''Ben:''' 612, or thereabouts.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ, well let's hope it gets retweeted, otherwise you might as well just whisper it to a fucking dead tramp.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is upset that she wasn't able to get support from a fellow politician in her party.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Fucking fibroid polyp bitch! I hope they sprout out of her abdomen and fucking choke her! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ben is preparing for his big announcement, but first, Malcolm wants to show Ben something on his cell phone.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' These phones are amazing, aren't they? I've got an [[wikipedia:Mobile_app|application]] here that can throw grenades into people's dreams.
:'''Ben:''' So, how do I look? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that your suit with the reinforced trouser arse on it, yeah? 
:'''Ben:''' Ha, very funny. What, a joke that I'm going to shit myself? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, it's because you're gonna need it for the 10 years you're gonna be sitting on the back benches. The e-mail trail about the key worker housing clearly shows that you, Benjamin Trevor Swain, were gleefully in favor of it, just like Nicola. 
:'''Ben:''' You've...Um...
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go. Break a leg, love. And your neck and your wrist. It doesn't really matter. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Nicola and Helen are on a train back to London, when Nicola realizes...)''
:'''Nicola:''' I never act on impulse. I'm so not impulsive. And Malcolm made me do it now, fuck! 
:'''Helen:''' What? 
:'''Nicola:''' Launching this inquiry may prove to be misguided in that I now recall I may have fleetingly supported the policy myself. 
:'''Helen:''' (in disbelief) So you've essentially launched an investigation into yourself.  
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm made me do it. 
:'''Helen:''' Oh, well, Malcolm, yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' You've met Malcolm. I would've said that it was ethically bad. 
:'''Helen:''' I'll tell you what you said, just give me a minute. ''(Helen scoffs)'' Brilliant. Courtesy of the ''Telegraph'' website. You said, &quot;Great revenue raiser, but I'm afraid it's a no-no because of my bloody husband.&quot; I'm sorry. Why would you do that? 
:'''Nicola:''' You remember all your e-mails, do you, that you sent three years ago? Because from what I understand from Ollie, a large number of them were sent to that married producer on the ''Daily Politics.'' 
:'''Helen:''' Ollie is a fucking...because...He was supposed to leave her and...
:''(Helen wants to come up with a better rescue plan.)''
:'''Helen:''' Okay, while we're on our way back to London, maybe we should make a list of the things, you know, you're for and against. Let's start with something simple. Animals in circuses? 
:'''Nicola:''' Tell you what. Why don't you make the little list and shove it up your tight, cold arse? I just need to stare. 
:'''Helen:''' Have a good stare. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(on the phone to Ollie)'' You are not going to try and talk me down off a ledge, are you? Because, I've got to tell you, I'm really tired and the pavement looks like a nice, warm, splatty bed right now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, come on, folks, gather round, grab your cheesy nachos and your fucking [[wikipedia:Vuvuzela|vuvuzelas]]: this is what we've all been waiting for, it's the Queen's fucking speech.  
:''(A few moments later, as Nicola begins her resignation speech...)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Come on, this is fucking history in the making, right, this is the ending of a chapter of a very thin book that nobody enjoyed reading.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' It has become apparent to me that I no longer have the full support of the party.
:'''Malcolm:''' You never had the support of the party, you big bag of fucking useless doubt.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Dan enters the room as Nicola concludes her speech.)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' And here he is, the anointed one!  
:''(Malcolm leads the room in applause)''  
:'''Dan:''' Oh – please, please, I'm not Christ. He was quite a scruffy man.

==Series 4, Episode 5==
:''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma are walking their way upstairs to their office. The news of Nicola Murray's resignation as Leader of the Opposition is being broadcast on TV.)''
:'''Phil:''' There she goes, a tiebreaker in the making. &quot;Who was Nicola Murray? I'll have to hurry you, teams.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Farewell, our shit and useless servant. 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, at least Miller's a step up from Murray. He doesn't have to write Left and Right on his wellies. 
:''(Meanwhile, Stewart is leading his team downstairs at their desks.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I need your attention for 30 of your earth seconds. ''This'' is what will happen.
:'''Phil:''' ''(looking downstairs)'' What the fuck is Stewart doing? 
:'''Stewart:''' You will go to the Z drive. You find a file entitled, &quot;Miller Ascension, Whitehall Arab Spring.&quot; Open, ingest, implement. And after that...''(While Stewart is talking to the team, he sees Peter, Phil and Emma upstairs and makes an &quot;I see you&quot; gesture towards them.)'' I expect both of you, you two...
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, fuck.
:'''Stewart:''' ...to get together...
:'''Peter:''' The man made of space hopper is coming this way.  
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma continue walking.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' This is gonna be about the inquiry. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' I'm thinking I should resign now. 
:''(Emma and Phil are stunned.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''WHAT?'' 
:'''Phil:''' No, you can't do that! You're [[wikipedia:Aslan|Aslan]]! No one shaves your mane! 
:'''Peter:''' I'm not a fucking lion, Phil. There's going to be an inquiry into the death of a man who died because of a policy I signed off on. We all know how this is going to end. I, I, I should take the dignified way out. 
:'''Emma:''' No, you've missed the dignified exit. That was straight away, basically. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(slumping his shoulders)'' Yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now talking about Fergus and Adam's Carer's Pass policy.)''  
:'''Peter:''' The only silver lining in today's cloud of farts is that another one of [[wikipedia:Morecambe and Wise|Morecambe and Wise]]'s policy launches is ruined. 
:'''Phil:''' Are those the carers? They don't look old enough. 
:'''Emma:''' Free travel passes or something. It's another one of Adam and Fergus's Pop-Up Book of Policies. 
:''(As Peter and his team stop by the carers, he politely greets them and shakes their hands.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Peter Mannion, lovely to meet you. What vital work you do. 
:'''Fergus:''' Peter, I'd love to introduce you to the carers...
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Fergus, flatly)'' I've just met them. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now trying to come up with a plan in Peter's office...)'' 
:'''Peter:''' What's my plan? I didn't resign, and now this inquiry's gonna nail me up like fucking [[wikipedia:Barabbas|Barabbas]]. 
:'''Phil:''' Actually, he was the one they let go. Shouldn't have, he's a criminal.  
:'''Emma:''' Wait...We could, we could wrong-foot Murray.
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, how?
:'''Emma:''' You could push for the inquiry to go wider.
:'''Phil:''' Wider? That's mental, we want to shut it down!
:'''Emma:''' No, shush! Just hear me out! We can look into the whole, the whole culture of PFI procurement.
:'''Phil:''' That is a good idea.
:'''Peter:''' Really?
:'''Phil:''' Fuck, that hurt to say! But she-she's right, because, um, Murray's husband's involved in PFI and he's as dodgy as a Russian, – as a Russian.
:'''Emma:''' We can backspin it, Peter, it's good.
:'''Peter:''' But, but is – is revenge a mature response? Let me think: Yes it is. Right, let's poke her in the PFIs.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart is now upstairs talking to more of the DoSAC personnel.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' If you get any channel problems, just swing them past the purple Power Ranger over here. (pointing to Terri)
:''(As Peter leaves his office, he sees the carers again.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Hello again. Vital, vital work, so proud of you. ''(Then Peter walks over to Terri.)'' Terri, I've got a job for you. 
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter, this is all pretty white-knuckle stuff, eh? Is it getting the old adrenaline pumping, assuming it can squeeze past the port and stilton –
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Shut the fuck up, you prancing shit. ''(to Terri)'' Uh, we need to widen the inquiry into Mr. Tickle's death to include the issue of PFI contracts. 
:'''Terri:''' Great. Okay, I'm just working on Fergus's Carers Pass press release...
:'''Peter:''' Aw, good. Could you fuck that to one side for the moment and concentrate on this? Yeah. 
:'''Stewart:''' Let's slip it into neutral for a moment here, Peter. We haven't got a green light from the PM yet, so let's not hit the accelerator. 
:'''Peter:''' Here's another way of looking at it: Let's. Goodbye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to party staff, ahead of Nicola's arrival)'': Right, stop rolling around naked in the headlines; [[wikipedia:Thinking_man's/woman's_crumpet|blind man's crumpet]]'s on the way up. If you're gonna film her on your phones, try not to make it obvious, and no smiling. Not even a wee fucking [[wikipedia:Anne_Robinson|Anne Robinson]], right? The look we're going for should be ''solemn respect'': you know, like blokes modelling underpants.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola Murray is trying to ask Dan Miller, the new Leader of the Opposition, NOT to go through with launching the inquiry.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' This inquiry, you know, it's not really necessary now, so if-if you want to say that, I'll just back down.
:'''Dan:''' ''(unmoved)'' An inquiry wouldn't be a bad thing. A clean break with the past in the minds of the electorate.
:'''Nicola:''' Well, I mean, the electorate, you know, like me. ''(chuckling)'' Quite a lot of them voted me leader, so...
:'''Dan:''' But you only beat me on a technicality. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. I mean the thing is, Dan, ''(Dan nods)'' you know, pragmatically, I'm now a party grandee – ''(Malcolm enters)'' Malcolm, this is a private conversation.
:''(Malcolm takes a chair and sits down.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' You are not a grandee, you are a fucking blandee. No one knew what the fuck you stood for. Political fucking mist. No substance, no weight. You've got all the charm of a rotting teddy bear by a graveside. By the way...women fucking hate you. I can show you the polling. They think you come across like a jittery mother at a wedding. The best thing you ever did in your flatlining non-leadership was call for an inquiry, because that will fuck the government and it will fuck ''you''. So now, please, just fuck off back to your home, you headless frump, and prepare for your column in ''[[wikipedia:Grazia|Grazia]]''.
:'''Dan:''' Steady on, Malcolm, that's a bit strong.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Come on, let's go. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, you, well...You just need to know that you have absolutely fucking done it now, Malcolm, because you are about to find out what it feels like to have me pissing in your tent. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know what? Your piss will never fucking make it into my tent, because by some unforeseen Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco, like every fucking Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco I've had to deal with for the last two years. you'll end up blowing your own fucking stream into your own fucking face. ''There's'' your golden handshake. 
:'''Nicola:''' Finished? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''You're'' finished.
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' We'll see. ''(to Dan)'' Right, well, thanks, Dan. Think about what I said. Also might want to think about the fact there should be an apostrophe in &quot;its&quot; ''(pointing to the &quot;Its Miller Time&quot; sign)'' Illiterate fuckers. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Adam is at Fergus's computer in their office. Adam is showing Fergus an article that will help Fergus distance himself from Peter in the Tickel scandal.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Bingo. We just need to leak it. You saying, &quot;Key worker housing sell-off is possibly the worst idea since the invention of theatre.&quot; 
:'''Fergus:''' Does that give us enough distance from Mannion? 
:'''Adam:''' Oh yeah. This is your Get Out of Jail Free card strapped to a fucking jetpack. We just need to leak it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, obviously it can't look like it came from us. 
:'''Adam:''' Maybe it's time to bring Glenn back into the hub. He's been out on a limb since punk, hasn't he? 
:'''Fergus:''' Thousand-year-old Glenn Fiddich? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. Fucking perfect, he'll love it. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn, meanwhile, is in his office, trying to contact Ollie.)'' 
:'''Glenn''' ''(on the phone)'': Ollie, look, I'm feeling very exposed here. I've got my cock out, it's covered in breadcrumbs and the fucking pigeons are circling. Look, please, just-just ring me back.
:''(Suddenly, Fergus and Adam enter Glenn's office.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Mr. Cullen. We would like you to leak -- ''(pretending to be a magician)'' Wow! This. ''(Adam shows Glenn a [[wikipedia:USB flash drive|USB flash drive]].)'' Don't worry, nothing major, just an email that puts a bit of distance between Fergus and the Tickle affair. 
:'''Glenn:''' What, I go from being a turnip to a leak? Still a fucking vegetable to you, though, eh? 
:'''Fergus:''' You wanna bring Mannion down a peg or 12, don't you, Glenn? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, of course I do. The up his arse Kensington Butcher. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(pointing to the USB flash drive)'' Well, this is the cyanide capsule we'd like you to break into his afternoon brandy. 
:'''Fergus:''' This is it, Glenn. You're off the bench, back on the pitch to score the golden goal in extra time. Come on, mate! 
:'''Adam:''' Pick it up. 
:''(After some thought...)''
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck it. Why not? I'll do it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Good man. Thank you.
:''(Fergus offers to shake Glenn's hand, but Glenn's still a bit, uh, sore...)''
:'''Glenn:''' I don't need to shake your hand.  
:'''Fergus:''' All right. Touchy, but not feely. 
:'''Glenn:''' Just go. I'll just have a look at it. 
:''(As they leave Glenn's office. Fergus and Adam give each other celebratory fist bumps.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' You are a brilliant bullshitter. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, two years doing press for npower, it never leaves you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn sneaks into Terri's office to leak the email from her computer while nobody else is looking. But as he's getting ready to do the deed, Glenn's caught by -- who else? -- Terri.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Glenn! ''(beat)'' What are you doing at my computer? 
:'''Glenn:''' I-I'm just doing Bradford &amp; Bingley a favor. I'm bringing down Mannion by leaking an email. 
:'''Terri:''' A leak? C-Coming from my computer? No. No, get off, get off. ''(pointing to the computer)'' Take that...that, the whatever it is out of the...whatever it is. Take it. Out. 
:'''Glenn:''' No one will think it's you. Nobody leaks from their own computer. Look, you do this for me and I'll make sure that you get the full severance package, no questions asked, with full pension. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(tempted)'' And a lump sum? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, I guess, yeah. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(whispering)'' The thing is, Glenn, I've got -- I've got my eye on a tea shop near Ludlow. Without a lump sum, no tea shop, no can do. 
:'''Glenn:''' Okay, right. This can go straight to Geoffrey at ''The Guardian.'' 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. 
:'''Terri:''' Can we do it together? 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Terri:''' Please? Just your hand on mine and my hand on yours, just do it together. Like, erm...
:'''Glenn:''' Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, okay. 
:'''Glenn:''' Not that I'm saying you're butch. 
:'''Terri:''' No, of course not. 
:''(And with that, Glenn and Terri lock hands on the computer mouse...)'' 
:'''Glenn &amp; Terri:''' One, two, three... 
:''(They click the mouse.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Just send the email. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma arrive at Stewart's office at Number 10. Stewart is preparing a &quot;whiteboard session&quot;...much to Peter's annoyance.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Team Peter. Come on, guys, let's take a little imagination stroll through a virtual inquiry, yeah? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, dear God, not another whiteboard session. I've-I've got a note from my mother, I have a verruca. 
:'''Stewart:''' Just wanna get an overview, Peter, yeah? A helicopter shot of where we currently are. Who's most to blame in the blame garden. Okay, the onion is PFI. Let's peel back some layers. Murray resignation, how do we feel about that? 
:'''Peter:''' What's &quot;Tickle's M Records&quot;?  
:'''Stewart:''' Medical, it's his leaked medical records. 
:'''Peter:''' Leaked? I-I-I thought they were common knowledge. 
:'''Stewart:''' Well, they are now, because they have been leaked. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Did you know about this? 
:'''Emma:''' Well, yeah, Number 10 knew, so I-I knew, yeah. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' What about you? 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, I-I thought Tickle leaked them himself. 
:'''Stewart:''' Who would voluntarily leak their own medical records? You'd have to be mad to do that. 
:'''Peter:''' He ''was'' mad, that's precisely what his records said. 
:'''Phil:''' Exactly. You know, he was a male nurse. That's not just mad, that's mental. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(taken aback)'' Oh, Phil! Did the last 30 years only happen to other people? 
:'''Peter:''' Why didn't I know about this? Leaking medical records ''is'' illegal. Well, I-I -- Now I look guilty and incompetent. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(writing on the whiteboard)'' Ah! Peter, incompetent. 
:'''Peter:''' Look! Don't write that down! I'm not on your sodding onion! 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(continuing writing)'' What is GFU? Good for us. Mmm? 
:'''Emma''' ''(looking at her phone)'': Oh, shit with a capital SHIT! We've got to go.  
:'''Phil:''' Great! ''(stands up)''  
:'''Stewart:''' Hey, no no no no no no no, sit.  
:'''Emma:''' ''The Guardian'' have received an email from Fergus – actually, do you know, strike that, a ''chain'' of emails – Oh, perfect, with all of our comments about Mr. Tickle underneath.
:'''Phil:''' Oh God, not-not the one where we all piled in with the ''[[w:Mr. Men|Mr. Men]]'' jokes?  
:'''Emma:''' Yes, yes. That one, Phil.  
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, you kid me!  
:'''Phil:''' Oh, Jesus!  
:'''Emma:''' I kid you not!  
:'''Peter:''' Oh my giddy fuck.  
:''(They all run back to DoSAC while reading the emails on their phones.)''  
:'''Emma:''' They've leaked all the bloody emails: 'Mr. Tickle sounds like a gropey clown at a kids' party'.  
:'''Peter:''' I can't see! Can I make it bigger?  
:'''Phil:''' Go to Settings. 'Poor ickle Mr. Tickle, perhaps he's mentally sickle.' Must be Fergus.  
:'''Peter:''' Is this Settings? Oh, I think I've just taken a picture of my feet! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Erm... Glenn is in reception.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hoddle? Miller? Close? Morangie?
:'''Ollie:''' Cullen. Glenn Cullen is in reception.
:'''Malcolm:''' Glenn?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' Why are you even fucking telling me that? When the Queen's butler finds a cockroach in the pantry, he just stamps on it.
:'''Ollie:''' Yes...
:'''Malcolm:''' She doesn't even know!
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. Okay! I'll go stamp on the cockroach, Malcolm.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, hey! Shouldn't you be in bed?
:'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you not be here?! Whoa, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! You can't go up there.
:'''Glenn:''' No, I have to. I ''can't'' go back over there, it's like ''[[w:Alien vs. Predator (franchise)|Alien vs. Predator]]''! 
:'''Ollie:''' Glenn!
:'''Glenn:''' I want back in! Here!
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, everybody is... tremendously appreciative of what you've done. It was a noble sacrifice, but--
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean, &quot;sacrifice&quot;? I thought we had a deal! &quot;Sacrifice&quot; sounds very one-sided.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, &quot;piss off&quot; sounds one-sided, but there we go-- ''(Malcolm arrives and pushes him aside)'' Hey! M-Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Why is he still here? Can you not perform a simple task? When there is a shit on your doorstep, you hose it off.
:'''Ollie:''' Right.
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't try to talk it into leaving of its own volition.
:'''Glenn:''' I got rid of Nicola for you, you owe me!
:'''Malcolm:''' I owe you? Your act of treachery wiped the slate clean. [[Rudolf Hess]]'s fucking senile older brother.
:'''Glenn:''' Look, I know you think I screwed up, but I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' You, my friend, you don't exist to me anymore, I can't even fucking hear you.
:'''Glenn:''' Do you want me to beg? Is-Is that it? Because I -- Because I will.
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, [[Mary, Queen of Scots|Mary, Queen of fucking Shits]]: in the old days we would've just slit you up the middle like a fucking Cornish [[wikipedia:Pasty|pasty]], hanged your steaming entrails all around the Tower of fucking London! Catch you later, you fucking traitor! ''(turns to Sam, who has appeared on the stairs)'' Sam, what is it?  
:'''Sam:''' It's a call from Stewart Pearson.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes the phone from Sam)'' Stewart Pearson. ''(to Glenn)'' I'm the fucking wankers' lodestone today. ''(answers the phone, walking away)'' Stewart. Yes, [[wikipedia:Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy|the goatee-bearded guru-boy of Company B]].
:'''Ollie:''' It's a no, Glenn.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart and Malcolm are having a not-so-friendly chat on their cell phones.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, Malcolm, can this wait? Hmm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Word is the PM's considering an inquiry into the culture of leaking. 
:'''Stewart:''' No, no. Do you really think he's going to invite everyone into our complex network of secret little burrows? Open up the whole of Watership Down? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Okay, Bright Eyes. I'm massively fucking reassured. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, you may as well have an inquiry into gravity. Now I have to go, Malcolm, because I've got like a whole country to govern, yeah? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(As Peter, Phil and Emma are coming back to the office, Terri runs up to Peter to beg his forgiveness for the leaking of the chain of emails.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Peter)'' The primary thing I want to say, first and foremost, is that you can't blame me for this. Peter. If-If anything, it's the culture of blame that's to blame for this. 
:''(Peter and his team walk past Terri and, yet again, pass the carers along the way.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers, smiling)'' Great to see you again. Such crucial work you do. ''(to Phil and Emma, angrily)'' Meeting room! 
:''(Team Peter finally make their way into the meeting room.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' Right, ''SIT DOWN!'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As soon as Team Peter enters the meeting room and close the door, Peter really lays into Phil and Emma.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' I can't resign, and I'm not gonna resign. I had the perfect moment to resign, which was right early on, when I could have resigned in a dignified and statesman-like way, and you both advised me not to resign. So now, I can't resign. 
:''(Phil and Emma agree with Peter's decision not to resign.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(still composing himself)'' What's gonna happen is this. One of you has got to go. I want both of you to give me reasons why you shouldn't resign. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(stunned)'' Er, because...because I'm a, a Special Advisor to a...senior cabinet minister. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(while Phil's talking)'' That's a job description, Philip. That's a job description. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(unimpressed)'' That's not a reason. That's just your job -- from which I'm asking you why you shouldn't resign. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(struggling)'' I know everything about you. I am a, a world expert in-in-in Peter Mannion from, uh, PIN number to inside leg measurement. I, I'm-I'm there, um, you know...
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's his inside leg measurement? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' 34. ''(to Peter)'' I've given you everything, Peter, you can't...I mean, I-I don't have anything else, that's the point. I don't, I don't have any friends, I don't have any life, I haven't had sex for five years and I don't even enjoy it, so...you know, I'm not gonna get anyone pregnant. I'm never gonna get anyone pregnant, okay? You know, I'm fucking seedless. Whereas she's just, just a fucking baby bomb, okay? 
:'''Emma:''' Phil, you are just a...
:'''Phil:''' And she's gonna go off all over the office and-and leave you! I'm gonna be here! 
:''(And THEN, to make matters worse for Peter, Terri barges into the meeting room!)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but my-my good name is at stake here.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, Christ...
:'''Terri:''' Peter, you must understand. I am an innocent woman. I'm the DoSAC One. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(fed up)'' That's it! I've had enough! I've had enough of all of you! You're all shit! I'm gonna sort it out by myself! 
:''(Peter leaves the meeting room...but now he's trying to outrun Terri.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' I can't bear that you think about me like this. 
:'''Peter:''' Don't follow me, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' Please...
:'''Peter:''' Stop following me. 
:'''Terri:''' I insist. I insist. I insist, Peter, please...
:'''Peter:''' All right, Terri! I admit it, I'm in love with you! Now fuck off back to your office and organize the wedding! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And now, Fergus and Adam are celebrating what seems to be a triumphant victory.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(happily)'' Mannion goes [[wikipedia:Mel Gibson|Mel Gibson]]. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(chuckling)'' Spot it. 
:''(Fergus and Adam celebrate with a fist bump.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' You know, you know what you've done? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah? 
:'''Fergus:''' You, you, you have bought a fan, you plugged it in, you turned it on, you turned the dial up to maximum. 
:'''Adam:''' It wasn't a weak fan, it wasn't one of those office fans. It was a Dyson. And I stood the other side of it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Did a liquid shit on it. 
:'''Adam:''' Trousers down. 
:'''Fergus:''' And where did the shit go? 
:''(Adam imitates an explosion.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' All over Mannion. 
:''(But then, Fergus's cell phone chimes...)'' 
:'''Adam:''' That's just priceless. 
:'''Fergus:''' Fuck, hang on...
:'''Adam:''' What?
:'''Fergus:''' Um, check the fucking emails. 
:'''Adam:''' What are you talking about? 
:'''Fergus:''' What the fuck did you give to Glenn? 
:'''Adam:''' ''(checking the computer)'' Well, it was just the email, just the...
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but it's the whole -- We're on the email. 
:'''Adam:''' Oh, fucking hell...
:''(Fergus and Adam are now starting to panic.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' Why did you, why did you leave us on the-on the dongle? 
:'''Adam:''' Because he's only supposed to send the fucking top part of it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Why did you give him the choice? 
:'''Adam:''' Because an email has a chain, Fergus, it has a fucking chain that goes all the way down! 
:'''Fergus:''' Adam, there is now shit all over me! How come there is shit on me? Thanks, Adam! 
:'''Adam:''' Look, it's not my fucking fault! He's supposed to redact it! 
:'''Fergus:''' I just wanted one solid shit to go in one direction! Not [[wikipedia:Madras_curry_sauce|Madras]] fucking everywhere!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus and Adam are now going after Glenn.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Hey! [[w:2000 Year Old Man|2000 Year Old Man]]! Why the FUCK did you send the whole email?! Huh?! You were supposed to redact it, send the top email, not the whole fucking exchange! JESUS CHRIST ON A CRYSTAL METH BINGE!  
:'''Glenn:''' Terri and I sent what you gave me.
:'''Adam:''' ''(in hysterical disbelief)'' ''Terri?! Why the fuc–'' THE ONLY REASON I'D EVER ASK TERRI FOR HELP IS TO ''SHOOT'' ME IF I EVER ASKED TERRI FOR HELP!
:'''Glenn:''' Same reason you gave it to me: distance! TWO PEOPLE, TWICE THE DISTANCE!
:'''Fergus:''' BUT TERRI DOESN'T GIVE US ANY DISTANCE! TERRI GIVES ME A TWITCH, ''(points to his eye)'' RIGHT HERE! YEAH, LAUGH IT UP, GLENN, BUT I'VE GOT A TWITCH, ''CALLED TERRI!''
:'''Terri:''' ''(from behind a book shelf, voice cracking)'' I am actually here, you know!
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, and that, in a nutshell, is the whole fucking problem!
:''(Fergus storms off, Adam follows.)''
:'''Adam:''' ''(singsong)'' Fuck you very much! ''(to the carers, who have witnessed the entire exchange)'' Five minutes, guys, yeah?
:'''The Carers:''' ''(moaning)'' Thanks. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(quietly to Glenn)'' Glenn...what about my tea shop? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(sarcastically)'' It got closed! There's been a murder! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' An inquiry into all of leaking, all of leaking! We are so ''–'' We are so screwed! 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's done it. That chinless horse-fiddler. Our fuck-lustrious PM has opened Pandora's fucking Box, and curled a massive steamer right into it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' In the time it has taken for Terri to extract herself from her Bluetooth, this little inquiry has fused! It is now growing faster than the speed of bloody light! It's not gonna be something that we can see ''from'' space, IT'S GOING TO ''BE'' SPACE! [[w:Brian Cox (physicist)|BRIAN COX]] IS GONNA PHONE ME, AND ASK FOR THE FILM RIGHTS!
:'''Peter:''' BUT WHAT LEAK, WHAT LEAK, ''WHAT FUCKING LEAK?!''
:'''Stewart:''' ANYTHING! If I find out that ''anyone'' from here has leaked ''anything'', I will make sure they have to emigrate after this to a country where they don't speak English, and there's no Internet!  
:'''Peter:''' But every-everyone who leaked anything, that would fill the fucking Caspian Sea, we're just a drop in the ocean here!  
:'''Stewart:''' No, no, no, what you are, Peter, is Leak Zero! It started here! You have presided over a shambolic showering of info! Peter Mannion, 'Singing in the Rain'! ''(mobile rings)'' Oh, Christ. ''(answers)'' Hello, Malcolm!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, was this your idea? Because I don't remember signing any suicide pact.  
:'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, look, I'm as shocked about this as you are.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. You sound ''really'' shocked, you big fucking spunk lolly.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, look, I don't even know what that is. But I, you know, I think we all need time to, to process this data, yep?
:''(Fergus and Adam burst in)''  
:'''Fergus:''' WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!  
:'''Adam:''' ''(restraining Fergus)'' All right, Fergus. ''(calmly)'' What the fuck is going on?
:'''Phil:''' [[w:Raiders of the Lost Ark|The Ark has been opened, and your face is gonna melt!]]
:'''Emma:''' There's gonna be an inquiry.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Have I just stepped through a portal into a sausage machine? Because this is making mincemeat of my head. [[wikipedia:It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)|It's the end of the world as we know it]]. To paraphrase a popular fucking [[wikipedia:The Bangles|Bangles]] song. 
:'''Ollie:''' It was, erm...It was [[wikipedia:R.E.M.|R.E.M.]] 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't start contradicting me on that kind of shit. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is trying to talk to Ollie about the importance of leaking in the governmental system.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Leaking is a fundamental component of our governmental system! If a government can't leak, do you know what happens? Dark shit builds up, and then ''–'' it ''bursts!'' And that's something you don't want to see! You think your appendix was bad?  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the gift that's gonna go on giving, believe you me. So you'd better keep your head down. And I don't mean just when you're frequenting your favorite glory holes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Yeah, well...Whereas ''your'' closet is ''completely'' free of skeletons, isn't it, Malcolm? 'Cause you've buried them in a landfill in Essex. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' When this inquiry lands, you'd better have developed a very flat, stony face with no expression. But that'll be easy for you: it's your fucking cum face, isn't it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(Malcolm wants Ollie to visit Nicola at her home)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Just go and stop her doing anything mental, right? Which, given that she thought she could be Prime Minister, the parameters for mental are about as wide as your mother's legs when the fleet's in town.  
:'''Ollie:''' All right, if I'm doing this for you, can we have a bit more respect for my mother, please? Those sailors get lonely.  
:'''Malcolm:''' This is some of my best stuff, and it's being ignored.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, what does that tell you?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' But I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm, I'm supplicating here; I'm a supplicant, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, unfortunately, that ship has sailed, hit a fucking iceberg, sunk, and [[wikipedia:Julian_Fellowes|Julian Fellowes]] has written [[wikipedia:Titanic_(2012_miniseries)|a fucking shit drama]] about it.

==Series 4, Episode 6==
:''(This is the opening scene of this episode. Welcome to the Goolding Inquiry.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' This is an inquiry into the death of Mr. Douglas Tickel. And the practice and culture of the dissemination of confidential information between political parties and the public media. Mr. Weir. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, thank you, Lord Goolding. Um, our first witness today is, uh, is Mr. Stewart Pearson. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart Pearson is ready to testify before the Goolding Inquiry Committee. He takes the oath, but politely declines to put his hand on the Bible.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the Bible holder)'' No, that's, er, it's fine. ''(taking the oath)'' Yeah. Um, I, Stewart Pearson, do sincerely declare and affirm that the evidence I shall give will be the truth, the whole truth and, and nothing but, uh, the truth. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' On page, uh, 235 of your, your witness statement...uh, you describe yourself as the, the &quot;Human Rooter&quot; in government. Can you, uh, can you explain what you meant by that? 
:'''Stewart:''' Um, I'm a...a &quot;router,&quot; in the sense that I control the governmental informational ingestion and egestion process. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Pearson, just to clarify, your job is -- is to make sure that the public perception of your government's program is a positive one, is that fair? 
:'''Stewart:''' It's not about perception, yeah? I believe in government as a transceiver, mmm? 
:'''Simon Weir:''' A transceiver? 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really important, yeah, sure, to give out a, uh, a strong signal, but you -- to be effective, you've got to listen for an echo.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Could you possibly speak in plain English? 
:'''Stewart:''' I'm sorry, I, I...I thought, I thought I was. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So what-what is clear is that you are an important man, Mr. Pearson. 
:'''Stewart:''' I'm just a lad from Leeds with a lust for life, yeah? Um...there's an, uh, an African proverb that's, that's stuck with me, yeah? &quot;If you think you're too small to make a difference, you've never spent a night with a mosquito.&quot; 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So...part of your job is to make sure that the government's message gets across clearly? Is that right? 
:'''Stewart:''' That's correct. And despite the sarcasm marinating in that question, I'm very successful in that endeavor. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(correcting Stewart)'' No, there was no sarcasm intended at all, Mr. Pearson. 
:'''Stewart:''' Sorry, I must have misread your face. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, does your job intrude on your home life? 
:'''Stewart:''' No. No, when I, when I close the front door, I'm...I'm no longer Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' When you...
:'''Stewart:''' I mean, I mean when I close it from the, from the inside. You know, right. When I close it from the outside, then...then I very much am Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So who are you at home? 
:'''Stewart:''' Uh, I'm a husband, I'm a -- pardon me, a lover, I'm a carpenter, I'm a cook, I'm a flautist. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' A...
:'''Stewart:''' A flautist. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Right. 
:'''Stewart:''' I play the flute. And I dabble on the Irish bodhrán. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, and would you like to express any, uh, remorse for Mr. Tickel's death? What would you like to say to his family? 
:'''Stewart:''' Uh, I would like to offer them maximum respect, you know? And maximum remorse. And maximum assurance that Mr. Tickel did not die in vain. We're here. You know? How can we make the government and the media inclusive without being intrusive? Yeah? And if we can answer that, at least we can make sure that there are no more Mr. Tickels. ''(Stewart corrects himself)'' I mean--I mean that not in the sense of, you know, wiping out the Tickel family name. I mean it in the sense that nothing like this will ever happen again. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Hello, Mr. Pearson. Tab 28 in your bundle there, page 263. ''(Both turn to that page in their folders.)'' A paper that you presented in 2006, 'The Iconography of Consensus.' Would you care to summarize the argument you present there? 
:'''Stewart:''' Sure, yeah, the main thrust –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Bearing in mind Lord Goolding's desire for plainness and clarity.  
:'''Stewart:''' Right. Okay. I, um, hypothesise that – Sorry. I ''say'' that the design structure for a parliamentary democracy should be that of the [[wikipedia:Centre_Georges_Pompidou|Pompidou Centre]]: Morally and structurally explicit and open, a porous membrane.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Maybe just a little bit plainer, Mr. Pearson?  
:'''Stewart:''' People should know, er, what politicians are doing.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Brilliant.  
:'''Stewart:''' Thanks.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Government should be porous?  
:'''Stewart:''' Yes.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' But not leaking. 
:'''Stewart:''' Come on, if someone is determined to leak information, there's nothing that anyone can do about that.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' So as Director of Communications, you are unable to prevent sensitive material being communicated to journalists?  
:'''Stewart:''' If someone chokes on a packet of crisps, do you issue an arrest warrant for [[wikipedia:Gary Lineker|Gary Lineker]]?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, is it fair to say that you have in fact changed nothing, and government communications carries on exactly as they did before, by leaks and whispers?  
:'''Stewart:''' No, it is not fair to say that.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In fact, because you disapprove and ''condemn'' these practices, are they not more covert and more hidden and more secret than ever before?
:'''Stewart:''' I think that is-is also an unreasonable assertion.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In spite of your desire to create a political Pompidou Centre, Mr. Pearson, haven't you created the opposite, [[wikipedia:Centre_Point|Centre Point]]? I mean, everybody sees it looming over them but nobody has the faintest idea what happens in there.  
:'''Stewart:''' ''(calmly, but sarcastically)'' I think there's some kind of club on the top floor.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So, Mr. Pearson, have you identified the source of the leak of Mr. Tickel's records?  
:'''Stewart:''' No, no.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked yourself?  
:'''Stewart:''' No. No, I was over that pre-Britpop.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Do you have any idea where the leak might have come from?  
:'''Stewart:''' Well, you know, if this was ''[[CSI: Miami]]'', I guess we'd be looking for the person who'd have most to gain from the leak being made public.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, despite your shirt, this isn't ''CSI: Miami''. Who do you think would benefit most from the leak?  
:'''Stewart:''' Well, I guess I'd be sending [[wikipedia:David_Caruso|David Caruso]] knocking on the door of Mr. Malcolm Tucker.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Malcolm Tucker takes his turn with the Goolding Inquiry.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Can I ask you, &quot;How would you describe yourself?&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Uh, I'm, uh, a media strategist. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' So you would be Stewart Pearson's opposite number? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, uh, I'd be Stewart Pearson's opposite in every possible way, I think. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You have a lot of control and power over your party, don't you? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(laughs slightly)'' I wish, yes. Uh, no. I think that that's been overstated. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So this reputation you have as an enforcer, that's completely misrepresenting you, is it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's baloney. Politicians who have to do things that they don't want to do, such as resign, uh...Because they've been caught with their fingers in the till, or, you know, with their knickers up a flagpole or whatever, they sometimes...It's very convenient for them to have a boogeyman. &quot;Malcolm made me do it.&quot; Well, I didn't make them do it. These are people who just find themselves stuck in a room with one exit and I simply show them the door. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I've highlighted some quotes: The ''Guardian'': 'Malcolm Tucker has the physical demeanour and the political instincts of a ''Velociraptor''.&lt;nowiki/&gt;'  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, the ''Guardian'', the newspaper that hates newspapers.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''Telegraph''.  
:'''Malcolm:''' The ''Telegr-arse''.  
:'''Baroness Sureka'''&lt;nowiki/&gt;''':''' 'Tucker's writ runs through the lifeblood of Westminster like ''r''&lt;nowiki/&gt;''aw alcohol'', at once cleansing and&lt;nowiki/&gt; corroding.' The ''Times'': 'If you&lt;nowiki/&gt; make eye contact with Malcolm Tucker, you have spilled his pint.' The ''Spectator'': '[[wikipedia:Iago|Iago]] with a BlackBerry'; I mean, you're saying these quotes are, what, misguided?
:'''Malcolm:''' The ''Spect-hater''. Erm, no, I'm saying that you are not – you're taking these out of context, you're not contextualising these. If you were to&lt;nowiki/&gt; put them into a perspective, if you were to place them into the landscape, you would see that there might be a lot of axes being ground here. I don't see the difference between what you have just done and a leak, by the way.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, the difference is that what I've just read out was not obtained illegally.  
:'''Malcolm:''' How do you know that? You don't know &lt;nowiki/&gt;what confidences have been breached in order to form these ''opinions'', for that is what they are.  
:'''Ba'''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''roness Sureka:''' So you accept leaking as part and parcel of the political media machinery?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I mean, if you didn't have leaking, the newspapers would just be full of long-lens bikini shots and adverts for sheds and offers to buy three pairs of trousers for a tenner, et cetera, it's just – it's the way it is. Big deal, no one dies.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' One person ''did'' die, Mr. Tucker.
:''(Malcolm simply gives a &quot;so be it&quot; look.)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Would you tell us how it works? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, you do me a favor, I do you a favor, yeah? 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' And what might you expect in return? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Anything. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, a [[wikipedia:Kit Kat|Kit Kat]], you might get -- I've had a Kit Kat. I've had a, uh, a big meal. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Well, I mean, could you give us an example of what you mean? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(going through his notes)'' Um...Well, yes. I...This is the ''Daily Mirror.'' And I could get drummed out of the Magic Circle for showing you this. Anyway, this is the ''Daily Mirror'' about the &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot;, uh, policy of, uh, Mrs. Nicola Murray. ''(Malcolm shows the inquiry committee a picture of the &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot; headline.)'' I was there that day. You can't see me, because I've been cropped out here. But this information here, I made sure that those notes were in that place, that they were available, and that the picture editor, uh, knew where to find them. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Sorry, I'm just trying to...trying to get this clear. Was Mrs. Murray not the subject of huge derision as a result of this? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Uh, no, she was a subject of huge derision before this. 
:''(Chuckles emanate from the gallery.)'' 
:'''Simon Weir:''' You were trying to undermine the leader of your party? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(putting away the picture)'' I was...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you, would you say you were a loyal man, Mr. Tucker? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm loyal, yes. I'm loyal to my party. And, uh, I feel that Mrs. Murray's policies were turning the party into -- I don't know if you've seen those calendars that have got pictures of dogs that are dressed up, and they've got little dresses and hats on. She was turning my party into that, she was humiliating my party. So I thought it was absolutely vital to focus the public's attention onto that. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' And yet you maintain that you had great -- I don't know, what, respect for Mrs. Murray as a person. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, she was a great laugh occasionally, great dancer, she's got terrific hair. She did a good job at DoSAC. A much better job than her successor, who, let's not forget, was playing on a slide when the news of Mr. Tickle's...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Yeah, thank you.
:'''Malcolm:''' ...death came out. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, we're well-versed in the events surrounding the...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' ...the death of Mr. Tickel. ''(beat)'' So, tell me, the PFI email that, uh, led to the, to the resignation of Nicola Murray. Did you, did you engineer that? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes a long pause...)'' No. No. ''(beat)'' No I didn't. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' And, uh, the leaking of Mr. Tickel's health records? Do I mean, do I detect your hand in-in that, for instance? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no no. Look, politics is a war. And politicians, sometimes they lose idealogical limbs, right? They get media shrapnel right in the face. Sometimes they get a bullet right in the brain. Civilians, no. There is no way that I would ever attack a civilian, a real person, and especially not somebody with a history of mental illness. Because ''that'' sort of thing -- makes me queasy. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' So you're a &quot;ethical&quot; leaker, if you will? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I use leaking to show up corruption, to show up hypocrisy, to show up idiocy, and also the fourth horseman of the political apocalypse, duplicity. For instance: Fergus Williams. He's coming up next, right? 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is a guy, he's a member of the junior party in this coalition, right? This guy has already opened a private channel to Dan Miller, the Leader of the Opposition. In order to talk about possibly setting up a coalition with him, because he knows very well that this coalition government that he is lumbered with is being torn to pieces like a bread stick at a picnic. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(very upset)'' Mr. Tucker, you have just used this inquiry to commit a leak in front of us! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I have not committed a leak. Everybody in Westminster knows that these talks have taken place, everyone. You're supposed to be investigating this. You're supposed to be discovering this stuff. Now you cannot not know what I or anyone else tell you, right, you can't not know that. You cannot not know what you now know.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Tucker, are you familiar with the rules of association football? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I understand that if you're gonna have an affair, you'd better take precautions, like getting a superinjuction. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(sternly)'' I ask you, because this is me giving you a yellow card. You are not to use this inquiry to score political points. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I'm, I apologize.  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus Williams takes his turn giving testimony in front of the inquiry.)'' 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Did you see Mr. Malcolm Tucker's evidence earlier? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, yeah, I-Uh, uh, I saw it out of the, out of the corner of my eye. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you like me to read what he said about you? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, no, that's fine, that was the bit that I saw. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Embarrassing, I imagine? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(emabarrassed, but gathering himself)'' Uh, no, not at all. It was, um, almost, uh, flattering, yeah...uh, to get, uh, to get &quot;Tuckered.&quot; It's a, it's a rite of passage in-in-in, in politics. Happens to all of us. It's, you know, it's like when you're in a Russian jail, you get your face tattooed. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Tucker mentioned meetings between you and the Leader of the Opposition. Did these take place? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(after a pause)'' They did, yes. Er, myself and, uh, Adam were part of a team who had very general, noncommittal discussions with, amongst others, Mr. Miller. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' And you discussed a potential future coalition with his party and the removal of your own party leader, is that correct? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(taken aback)'' Sorry, could I possibly answer that question with another question? I mean, not that question I'm just asking, but a further question? 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Go on. 
:'''Fergus:''' You do realise that ''you're'' being spun here, you do see that?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Spun?  
:'''Fergus:''' 'Cause, you know, Malcolm Tucker's not your common or garden spin doctor, right? No, he's the-he's...he's the chief medical officer of spin – he is Spinoza, you see? So he, he didn't come here in order to answer your questions, he came here in order to get ''you'' to then ask ''his'' questions.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Yeah, right, Mr. Williams, I don't want you to answer a question with another question, I want you to answer it with an answer.  
:'''Fergus:''' I mean, he's conducting you like, um – Goldie.
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Did you talk to Mr. Miller about removing your party leader? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Sorry, are you getting Tucker's questions sort of beamed straight into your brain? 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(firmly)'' Mr. Williams. 
:''(A short time later...)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Finally, um, on the subject of frustration, would you say it's difficult to steer policy ideas through your department? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(stumbling in his testimony)'' Uh, yes, there are, uh...blockages. Uh, there is one person in particular and, well, you know, I don't want to identify her -- or him, if she was a man. Uh, but this particular person, uh, is rather inept and has hampered a lot of our initiatives. And she, or her, or him is, um...very difficult to remove. And so she's a, he is a...they are a stubborn blockage, shall we say, like, you know, when you get hair and soap in a-in a-in a plughole with skin flakes.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reassuring)'' Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Williams. That's, that's fine. 
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry, can I just say...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' We are very pressed for time, I'm afraid. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but I really didn't want the last thing I said...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm sorry. 
:'''Fergus:''' ...to be &quot;skin flakes.&quot;
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Peter Mannion is discussing Douglas Tickel with the Goolding Inquiry.)''  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, when did you first become aware of, uh, Mr. Tickel? 
:'''Peter:''' When he became the only, um, key worker to refuse our offer of alternative accommodation. Uh, then he sort of dropped off my radar. The next thing I knew he was sewing badges on his tent, and, uh, shouting abuse through a loud hailer. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Did you ever feel yourself to be culpable in any way for his, for his homelessness?  
:'''Peter:''' Look, he-he was homeless only in the sense that he had no home, erm – ''(There are chuckles from the gallery. Peter briefly turns round to them.)'' No, no, a [[wikipedia:Housing_association|Housing Association]] flat was found, which he-he declined. The ''policy'' didn't make him homeless.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' The policy of selling off the block of flats where he lived.  
:'''Peter:''' He made a positive decision to be homeless. It's the difference between being punched in the face and punching yourself in the face.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Erm – Why do you think, to use your phrase, he, uh, he punched himself in the face?  
:'''Peter:''' ''(stammering)'' Why? Well, because he was mentally, er – because he, he, he had, er, mental issues.
:'''Simon Weir:''' The email leaked to ''The Guardian,'' uh, which you'll find on pages, uh, 276 to 277 in the-in the evidence...uh, one of your advisers describes Mr. Tickel as, um, &quot;fucking [[wikipedia:Florence Nightingale|Florence Shiteingale]].&quot; Do you not feel that's, uh, a little callous? 
:'''Peter:''' (dismissively)'' This is-this is, er, rough-and-tumble office banter, er, schoolboy showers stuff. And-and-and schoolgirl showers. Not that -- I mean, not-not literally, but... 
:''(A few moments later...)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you familiar with the phrase &quot;data smuggling&quot;? 
:'''Peter:''' Data what?
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, passing on data from a closed system to an unauthorised source in exchange for money. 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, yes, right. I see, well it seems everyone's at it. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you at it, Mr. Mannion? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(scoffing)'' No, I'm-I'm-I'm not very good with technology. Uh, the Paper Mate pen is still cutting edge technology as far as I'm concerned. Writes upside-down, you know. 
:''(Matthew Hodge wants to discuss Douglas Tickel's death with Peter.)''  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You've told the inquiry that you didn't feel, uh, at all guilty over Mr. Tickel's death. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(getting defensive)'' Well, I-I-I felt ''bad.'' But-but not ''guilty.'' I-I didn't kill him. I-I've never killed anyone.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, no. I mean, noted, but I mean, do you think you could have made a difference, uh, if you had been contactable that day?  
:'''Peter:''' Why? He wasn't trying to call ''me'', I mean, I-I'm not the [[wikipedia:Samaritans_(charity)|Samaritans]]. In fact, um, uh, apparently, tonally, I-I have a very depressing voice.
:''(But WAIT, Peter -- there's more questions!)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Mannion, do you know Mr. Alistair Leyton, a senior executive at ''The Times''? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Did you ring Mr. Leyton on the 25th of April to tell him that Mr. Tickel's medical records had been unlawfully obtained, and that this might form the basis of an explosive news story? 
:'''Peter:''' Did I, uh, ring him on that day, do you mean? I -- Well, I-I can't remember. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, did you ring him on any day telling him? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(trying to assert himself)'' Look, I came into politics to make a difference, to-to ''dare'', to-to get things done, not-not to ''leak'' things, or-or, or ''spin'' or, or ''blag'' or-or...''smuggle'', but-but to ''serve'' with honest, hard work, to ''do''.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' And did you do something? Did you contact your friend at ''The Times''? 
:'''Peter:''' No, I-I-I didn't do that. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Perhaps we could start by just giving us an idea of what a special adviser does?  
:'''Emma:''' Erm, er, well, technically, essentially, we just advise a minister. Erm, sort of, media strategies, political strategies, that sort of thing.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' But you're not permanent members of the Civil Service?  
:'''Phil:''' Er, no, they're like the, er, the worker ants. We're more like, er – well, not the queens, that would be Peter Mannion and, to a lesser extent, Fergus Williams – we're more like the soldier ants that defend the queens.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you like to add anything, Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Adam:''' Yes, I'm not sure that the ant analogy helps, at all.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Smith, how would you characterise your relationship with Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Phil:''' Well, I think, when you get two silverbacks like Adam and I in a room, there's always going to be a certain amount of chest-beating, but, erm, there's a mutual respect.  
:''(During Phil's answer, Adam embarrassingly puts his head in his hand.)''  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you agree, Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Adam:''' Yes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You yourselves were subject to a leak, weren't you, in the ''Guardian''? How did you feel about the email containing your thoughts about Mr. Tickel's death?  
:'''Adam:''' Erm, it was shameful, and it was insensitive –  
:'''Emma:''' Absolutely.  
:'''Adam:''' – and we would like to apologise for that. It's dreadful.  
:'''Emma:''' I agree, ''(points to Adam and Phil)'' I mean, their comments were absolutely... unforgivable, mortifying.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reading)'' 'How many Mr. Tickles does it take to [[wikipedia:Lightbulb_joke|change a light bulb]]? He doesn't have a light bulb, he's in a tent.' 'How do you turn Mr. Tickle into Mr. Happy? [[wikipedia:Lithium_(medication)|Lithium]].' 'What's the difference between Mr. Tickle and [[wikipedia:Lawrence_Oates|Captain Oates]]? Captain Oates has a less stupid name.' Erm, and one I feel that is particularly cruel, Miss Messinger, given Mr. Tickel's mental health issues: 'The fucker's a nutbag'.
:'''Emma:''' I'm sor-– It-– That is not okay. Sorry.  
:'''Phil:''' If I could add a ''mea culpa'' here rather than dancing around it? Others may choose to attempt to wriggle off the hook of shame, but, um, I cannot, I cannot deny that my name is on those emails, and yet I do not recognise that man. It is me, and yet, it is another, and for that I am truly sorry. This has been a humbling moment in my quest to become the man I know I can be.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good to see you this morning, Infamous Terri Coverley. ''(Terri laughs.)'' Why are you smiling?  
:'''Terri:''' I'm not smiling. Or rather, I'm smiling, but it's something I do when I'm nervous, erm –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You have a guilty conscience?  
:'''Terri:''' No no, no no. No, I don't have a guilty conscience but I do have a guilty face, erm – I do blush a lot and that's a circulation thing, not a moral thing, though I do ''act'' guilty, erm – When I was a child, erm, my brother's hamster was put into a remote control aeroplane, tragic consequences, and, erm, unfortunately I was blamed for that, although I had nothing to do with it, it was that I just looked guilty, so I would ask you to bear that in mind.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Can you explain to us how communications works in government?  
:'''Terri:''' Well, erm, I use an analogy. Erm, I like to think that dealing with the press is not so much herding ''cats'', it's more herding sheep, and I am the shepherdess, erm, if you like, it's – In order to be an efficient shepherdess, one needs a number of things, I mean – Firstly, one needs a whistle. That's my voice. Secondly, one needs a coat, and that's my coat. And thirdly, one needs a dog, and that in my case is a lady called Robyn.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you say that there is a culture of bullying within DoSAC? If I could ask you first, Ms Murdoch.  
:'''Robyn:''' Erm, I'd say there was a culture of bullying ''me'' at DoSAC.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' You've experienced bullying there?  
:'''Robyn:''' Well, you know, I see them all standing around, you know, chattering like squirrels on Red Bull, and when I ask them what they're talking about, they usually bark a tea order at me; or, you know, or call me, er, the blonde bombshite, if I can use that word, or some other horrible sweary thing.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' That's the form the bullying takes?  
:'''Robyn:''' And if you refuse to make your boss's tea, you know, they call you [[wikipedia:Mariella_Frostrup|Mariella Shitstrop]]. Or [[wikipedia:Nancy_Sinatra|Flouncy Sinatra]], which doesn't even really work!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie Reeder is ready to deliver his testimony in the inquiry, but first, Lord Goolding makes an important announcement.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' As you can see, Baroness Sureka is not with us and will remain absent while she deals with the personal allegations published in ''The Sunday Times.'' This in no way invalidates this inquiry, nor does it compromise the integrity of any questioning conducted by Baroness Sureka. Mr. Hodge. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you. ''(to Ollie)'' Uh, Oliver Reeder, you were a senior adviser to Nicola Murray during her time as Secretary of State at DoSAC. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yup. I was, uh, ''the'' senior adviser. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good, and when Ms. Murray became Leader of the Opposition, uh, you were also one of her senior advisers? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, again, ''the,'' the senior adviser, yeah. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' I see, and now you're a senior adviser to Mr. Dan Miller? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, a slightly less pivotal role with, with Dan, but part of this, kind of, a larger pivot, really. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, thank you. Uh, Mr. Reeder, they say that in politics, knowledge is power. 
:'''Ollie:''' True, yes. Although that doesn't mean that Carol Vorderman should be, uh, Prime Minister. Er...Or I should've, or maybe I should say Stephen Fry, 'cause Carol's just maths, but yeah. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' You've known, um, Malcolm Tucker for, for, for some years now. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes I have, yes. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' He seems like, uh, an intimidating person. Is he? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, well, I mean, not, not to me. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' No? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. Uh, no. Uh, no, although he doesn't, he doesn't suffer fools gladly, I think that's fair to say. Or clever people, to be honest. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' So he's never, uh, bullied you? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, do I-do I look like I could be bullied by Mr. Tucker? I...No. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Could you turn to Tab 9? You'll find it in your, in your folder there. Yeah. Um, we have some, uh, some quotes here: Some, uh, evidence of-from several civil servants who all independently suggest that, uh, Mr. Tucker, in fact, regularly ''did'' bully you. 'Mr. Tucker threatened to remove Mr. Reeder's appendix, throw away Mr. Reeder, and appoint the useless flap of colon as special adviser.'  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well that's – yes. ''(laughs)'' That's banter.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' 'Mr. Tucker told Mr. Reeder that he would have him smothered, eviscerated, stuffed, ''(Ollie laughs)'' fitted with wheels, and donated to an orphanage.'  
:'''Ollie:''' That's, what – 'Cause this is out of context, what you don't have there is my reply. And so, you know, it's just him.
:'''Simon Weir:''' And what was that?
:'''Ollie:''' Er – Well, I don't remember what it was on this occasion, but it would have been a, you know, it would have been a zinger, because I gave as good as I got, so...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Very good. 
:'''Ollie:''' So it's not bullying.
:'''Simon Weir:''' Is there anything about the leaking of the so-called, uh, PFI email that you feel that this inquiry should, should be aware of? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh God, um...I mean, I'm...I mean, to be brutally frank, I'm struggling to remember here, but...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Well, please take your time. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, of course. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' There's no hurry. 
:'''Ollie:''' Of course, yeah. I mean, I think, you know, what you have to remember in this instance is that on the day that all of that stuff took place, um, I was in hospital. So I'm, you know, I was cut off, essentially. I didn't have a phone...
:'''Simon Weir:''' I mean, I hadn't mentioned, uh, the use of a phone, I mean...
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, no, I know. I'm simply saying I was...
:'''Simon Weir:''' You weren't working remotely from the hospital? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(stammering)'' No, no, not remotely. Um, uh...In-in-in either sense. No. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Did you have any visitors? 
:'''Ollie:''' Erm...
:'''Simon Weir:''' You must be able to remember that. 
:''(Ollie's still drawing a blank.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Well, if you're not completely sure, Mr. Reeder, we can always check with the visitors' records. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, don't -- let's not do that, um, let's not do that for the moment. Let me just...just give-bear with me. Er...but I...did, yes. I think I was visited by, um, by colleagues from the office. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Can you give us a name? 
:'''Ollie:''' Um...Uh, Malcolm is a name, is, um...is his name. Malcolm's name. Malcolm. Malcolm Tucker visited me. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Um, I'm assuming this wasn't a social visit. What did, uh...What did he want? What did Mr. Tucker want? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(getting anxious again)'' He wanted to...Wait, okay...I mean, I'm really-I'm -- I'm anxious, I'm keen, I'm trying my best to answer your, uh, questions truthfully, but...
:'''Simon Weir:''' I should remind you you are under oath, Mr. -- 
:'''Ollie:''' Absolutely, yes, I'm under oath, so this is...But, but...uh, what you have to understand is everybody has something on everyone here, right? So in this circumstance, if you inadvertently say or do something, um, uh, you know, that you shouldn't, then that's it. That's it, that's it. It's done. Your career is done. You know, look what happened to, um, a member of this inquiry, right? So you have to...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Reeder, this is not the place to discuss those allegations. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, of course, of course. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Reeder, if you feel -- You feel under pressure, am I right? Is that because of something that you know? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(still stammering)'' Yes. Well, no. Uh -- General pressure, I feel under a sort of -- Just that, it's the jitters of work. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Who leaked the email, Mr. Reeder? 
:'''Ollie:''' Glenn Cullen. Er, he was in DoSAC at the time and he, uh, still had access to the email and he hated his life. And he, he, you know, he hated Nicola Murray because she'd previously destroyed his chances of standing as an MP. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Most helpful, Glenn Cullen is our next witness. Most interesting, thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, well, okay. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' That's fine, thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Baroness Sureka has successfully returned to the inquiry, and Glenn Cullen is ready to give his testimony.)'' 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Cullen. I wonder if I could start by taking you back to that time two years ago, you left Nicola Murray and you went to work for Fergus Williams. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, yes I did, that's right. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' And then you found yourself, um, in a coalition with the very party that you opposed. That must have been extremely distressing. 
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, no, not at all, as a matter of fact. I-I was very invigorated by the idea of, uh, trying to forge a new way in politics. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, so all was rosy? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, um -- I can't think of any negatives. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' No friction? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, the only &quot;F&quot; word was &quot;Fun.&quot; 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you, Mr. Cullen. Thank you. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Cullen, would you say there's a culture of leaking in the government? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, I would. Yes, leaking and lying. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' To your knowledge, have any of your colleagues lied to this inquiry? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, I mean, that's a bit like asking, you know, um -- &quot;Does a cow drink milk?&quot; 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Does it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Probably. But what I meant to say was, yes, um, my colleagues lie constantly. It's a...professional necessity. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked, Mr. Cullen? 
:'''Glenn:''' First of all, may I just say, uh, welcome back, Baroness Sureka. Big hugs. I'm sure I speak for everyone here when I say that we're all thinking of you... 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I'd rather you, um, swapped the ham-fisted flattery for actually answering my question, which was, &quot;Have you ever leaked?&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. No, it's a very simple question and it's got a very simple answer. No, I haven't. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Um, you'll be aware of Ollie Reeder's testimony to the inquiry where he said that, uh, you were, in fact, responsible for the PFI leak. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes I am. ''(Glenn quickly corrects himself.)'' By which I mean to say I am aware of, of that. But gosh, you've got to be careful what you say here, haven't you? 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You most certainly do, Mr. Cullen. Let's hope we're both up to it. Is there any truth at all to Mr. Reeder's accusations? 
:'''Glenn:''' Absolutely none whatsoever. He's talking out of hi -- Out of his other cheeks, if you...
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Why would Oliver Reeder suggest that you were behind the PFI email leak, then? 
:'''Glenn:''' I've absolutely no idea. It's very difficult for me to get into the mindset of somebody so entirely self-serving and, um...spiritually ugly. I mean, anyone who's been unfortunate enough to have come across Ollie Reeder will know that he is a genuinely...atrocious person. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe Mr. Reeder was trying to cover himself, in that case? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, I do believe he has the emotional tools for the task. Yes, certainly. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe that Ollie Reeder was behind the leak? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(after a long pause...)'' No. You see...a-a leak of this magnitude would require one essential item that Ollie lacks. And that's a spine. He is a man without a spine. He is a man-worm. He's a writhing mollusk without any strategies or convictions. He-he simply slimes his way into the nearest crack every night, and I would like to put on record that I apologize to this committee for being the man who brought him into the world of politics. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you for returning to this inquiry, Mr. Tucker.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That's no problem. I had a hair appointment, but I think they can fit me in next week.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' There's no need to be so flippant about this inquiry.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it's just, you know, you keep asking me the same questions, I can't really help it if you don't like the answers.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Maybe you can try a little harder in answering. I'm amazed you stayed at the top of politics for quite so long with such apparently poor powers of recall.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, maybe it's my age – it's good to see you back, by the way.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Thank you, nice to see you too.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' At your last appearance at this inquiry, you admitted that you have leaked, is that correct?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, everyone leaks: many many people who have appeared here in front of you have leaked, but they've just lied about it to you.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, that's an incredibly serious charge; do you have any evidence to substantiate that allegation?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Will you forgive me if I don't do your job for you? Because if you can't spot a sprayed-on halo of someone doing a &quot;what, me guv?&quot; panto act, then maybe you shouldn't be sitting behind that desk.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' At your last appearance we asked you very specifically how you came by Mr. Tickel's NHS number and National Insurance number, and you could not recall. Have you had any more time to think about it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I have.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' And could you tell us any more?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You've got no recollection at all?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No. And by the way, you should not be talking to me about this because you've been a victim of leaking, a very unfortunate victim, and I have every sympathy with you, but how can you possibly give me a fair hearing when you've been a victim of the very crime that you are accusing me of? You are prejudiced; this entire inquiry, therefore, is prejudiced.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I can see what you're doing, it smacks of desperation and it will not work.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Does it? No, listen, there you go again, see, that's you, you're just rushing to judgement. You are totally discredited here.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I am obliged to remind you, Mr. Tucker, that you are under oath, and if you lie to this inquiry, it may result in a criminal prosecution.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, please don't insult my intelligence by acting as if you're all so naive that you don't know how this all works. Everybody in this room has bent the rules to get in here, because you don't get in this room without bending the rules. You don't get to where ''you'' are without bending the rules, that's the way it is.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Tucker, I am going to give you one more chance to respond to my question. How did you acquire Mr. Tickel's NHS number and his National Insurance number?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Who said I acquired it?  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' A photograph.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no, the photograph shows me holding it. It doesn't show me acquiring it. You'd have to ask the person that gave me the folder.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Who gave you the folder?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't remember.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You are being deliberately evasive.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ... I – I don't recall, you know, I don't know, I can't remember.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Very well. Regardless of how you came by Mr. Tickel's mental health records, did you then leak them to the media?
:'''Malcolm:''' I can't recall.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So that's not a denial?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Je ne remember rien.''
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, if you can't recall, it leaves open the possibility that you did leak them. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Let me tell you this. The whole planet's leaking, everybody is leaking! You know? Everyone's spewing up their guts onto the internet, putting up their relationship status and photos of their [[wikipedia:Vajazzle|vajazzles]]! We've come to a point where there are people, ''millions'' of people, who are quite happy to trade a kidney in order to go on television! And to show people their knickers, to show people their skid marks, and then complain to ''[[wikipedia:OK!|OK!]]'' magazine about a breach of privacy! The exchange of private information – that is what drives our economy. But, you come after me because you can't arrest a landmass, can you? You can't cuff a country. You might as well just go and – you can't lynch that guy there, can you? But you decide that you can sit there, you can judge and you can ogle me like a [[wikipedia:Page_3|Page 3]] girl. You don't like it? Well, you don't like yourself. You don't like your species, and you know what? Neither do I, but how ''dare'' you come and lay this at my door! How ''dare'' you blame ME -- for THIS! Which is the result of a political class, which has given up on morality and simply pursues popularity at all costs. I am you and you are me.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Are you finished?
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, I'm finished anyway. You didn't finish me.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Would you like to stand down?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(getting up and walking out)'' Thanks, m'Lord.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Although you did previously describe yourself as a shepherdess. ''(Robyn laughs)'' Now, did you have something to add to that?  
:'''Robyn:''' I just – Shepherdess, did she say – ''(to Terri)'' Did you say shepherdess?  
:'''Terri:''' Yes, I was giving an analogy – I mean, to be fair, erm, perhaps it would have been more accurate for me to describe myself as a sheep in shepherdess's clothing. Do you follow?  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Er, no, not completely, no.  
:'''Robyn:''' The shepherdess analogy's floored him.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Your own privacy is important to you.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, I have a meditation room at home.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, you know, I think we all have one of those at home.  
:''(all chuckle)''
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, right, er – do you mean a toilet? Yeah, 'cause I'm talking about a dedicated meditation room.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I see.  
:'''Stewart:''' Although it did actually use to be a toilet, it made it easier to plumb in the waterfall.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In less figurative terms, what is the nature of your job?  
:'''Terri:''' Well, I don't like to toot my own trumpet, as they say, but I like to think of myself as God: erm, I fashion DoSAC in mine own image, er, to quote the Bible. ''(looks for the Bible on her desk)'' Erm, that's in the Bible, isn't it?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Sorry, what exactly do you mean?  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm not sure I follow you.  
:'''Terri:''' Oh, well I'm – Sorry. Erm, I'm a translator. Um, I translate, from the outside world, things that come into the department, and vice versa.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' So are you saying you change what you hear? You manipulate?  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, it's a bit, erm – ''[[wikipedia:Songs_of_Praise|Songs of Praise]]''. There's a deaf and dumb lady doing deaf and dumb language.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Sign language?  
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well it's like that, I take the ugly words, and I translate them, as it were, into a beautiful gesture.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' If I'm to understand you correctly, you stop information going to and from your department, and you change what that information is.  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, I ''didn't'', I didn't say that –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' No, on the contrary, you ''did'' say that.  
:'''Terri:''' No, er –&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Lord Goolding:''' You can understand how suspicion might fall upon you, given your antipathy to Mrs. Murray as a leader.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola's real name is 'If Wet Nicola Murray'; if she worked for the West End, her name would always be preceded by the words, 'Tonight the role of Mary Poppins will be taken by' Nicola Murray. Because she's basically an understudy who got lucky, she got on, she got to play the lead. But she wet herself, she was too frightened, and she went home crying, you know; it happens.

==Series 4, Episode 7==
:''(In this scene, the phone in Peter's office keeps running, and he keeps picking up the phone -- only to hang up without really answering. While he's doing this, Phil enters Peter's office.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Look, Phil. Every petty criminal in the country is in a holding pattern, because that barrel of cocks at the Home Office can't process their arrests quick enough. ''(Peter disconnects his phone.)'' So why am I the one who has to gimp himself out all day to Martha Kearney and Eddie Mair? 
:'''Phil:''' Because since the inquiry, DoSAC looks toxic and weak, and they're just trying to pile all the government's ills on top of us. 
:'''Peter:''' Who's fault's that, Phil? 
:'''Phil:''' I've said I'm sorry about the inquiry, okay? I started writing you a letter but it just seemed pretentious. Look, if it's any consolation, I haven't felt that humiliated since my trunks fell down at the school [[wikipedia:Swimming_gala|swimming gala]].
:'''Peter:''' It's of absolutely no consolation to think of you naked in front of 500 boys.
:'''Emma:''' ''(walking in, on her phone)'' Yeah, absolutely, Trevor. OK, yeah, drinks soon. Yeah, you too. OK, bye. ''(hangs up)'' Oh, God! I just felt my ovaries cringe. I'm trying to flirt our way out of this police backlog.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil:''' I thought we weren't talking to [[wikipedia:The_Proclaimers|The Proclaimers]].
:'''Peter:''' We have to play happy families for Mary, pretend I don't actually want to strangle Fergus's bollocks so they look like glacé cherries.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emma:''' You are telling me that you have been running parts of this country, Terri. What the fuck are you trying to do, [[wikipedia:2012_phenomenon|prove the Mayans right]]?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Meanwhile, an unarrested feral underclass has gone [[wikipedia:Mad_Max_(franchise)|Mad Max]], and police station waiting rooms are heaving like the hedgehog carvery at a gypsy wedding.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter. This ''[[Wars of the Roses|War of the Roses]]'' with the Home Office? It ends now. We want a united realm. There's no vision in division.
:'''Peter:''' Well, yes there is; ''(looks to Fergus's office)'' anyway, tell [[wikipedia:Perkin_Warbeck|Perkin Warbeck]] over there.  
:'''Stewart:''' OK people, could we briefly form a coherent group?  
:'''Terri:''' Mary Drake is in the building, she's on her way up.  
:'''Stewart:''' OK...Shields up, guys; Centurions, we're forming a [[wikipedia:Testudo_formation|tortoise]].
:''(Adam approaches Terri, and he's holding a ThinkSocially pamphlet in his hand.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Terri, ThinkSocially. Did I sign off on this? Because I hadn't heard of ThinkSocially until I said it just then. 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, uh...
:'''Adam:''' So what is it? 
:'''Terri:''' Simple explanation. 
:'''Adam:''' Love to hear it. 
:''(But as Terri gets ready to explain, Mary Drake from the Home Office has arrived at DoSAC...and she's not happy.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(moaning)'' Oh, God. Here-Here's Mary. Bunch up, everyone, so she doesn't see the corpses. 
:''(Peter then hides in his office.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Look, synchronize lies, all right? ''(Emma approaches Mary and shakes her hand.)'' Mary, hi. Hi, Emma, we met at the away day. I so enjoyed our, our mood play. 
:'''Mary:''' Yes, you actually did, didn't you? ''(to Terri)'' Oh, you must be the legendary Terri. ''(Mary shakes Terri's hand)'' I've heard a great deal about you. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, oh, please, don't, uh, don't believe everything that you hear. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(sharply)'' I fully intend not to. ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. Chakras balanced? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, sorry. Tiny bit of, uh, housekeeping. ''(to Terri)'' Terri, um, uh, ThinkSocially? Uh, just checking in on that. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes. Yes, it's a go thing. Double-stamped, yes. 
:''(Peter emerges from his office and greets Mary with an uneasy smile.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Mary! Great to see you again. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(flatly)'' I'm here in an angry capacity. 
:'''Peter:''' Ah! The cream in our coffee, Mary. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to all)'' The message from the Home Office is this: Move away from the backlog. There's nothing to see. Let the police do their jobs, let us do ours. 
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry to be, uh, ''contrary,'' Mary, but Peter and I have just been discussing this very issue. 
:'''Mary:''' Shut up! Let me tell you something now: DoSAC is one rat's whisker away from being shut down and subsumed by the Home Office, and put in charge of cocking up the tea run! And I like mine weak, and white. Like my men. ''(leaves)''
:'''Peter:''' Stewart, any thoughts from within your fucking dream yurt?
:'''Stewart:''' I will go and try and de-frag this situation, but I am staying strictly macro. ''(leaves)''
:'''Adam:''' Subtitles, you need subtitles!
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Terri)'' Sorry, erm, ThinkSocially. Terri, would you mind explaining ''rationally'' why I appear to be giving a ringing endorsement to a piece of shit that I've never even heard of?
:'''Terri:''' It's not my fault, it's the-it's the double-stamping nonsense, that's the reason.
:'''Adam:''' Oh, really? Because right now, I want to double-stamp on your fucking throat.
:'''Terri:''' I'm gonna take that seriously as a physical threat!
:'''Adam:''' You know, one of the many many things that baffles me about you is you remain unmurdered!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is entering Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' M. Tucker.
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Um...We need to have a little chat. 
:'''Ollie:''' You're not splitting up with me, are you? Because I'm pregnant and it's quads, so, you know...You're not laughing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm laughing on the inside. Which is a tad ironic, because I'm leaving here in five minutes to get arrested. 
:'''Ollie:''' Hang on. Sorry...Uh, you're gonna be arrested at the exact same time that Dan Miller's doing his Lewisham walkabout? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. But I'm going to Brentford where nobody will be watching me, because they'll all be with him. 
:'''Ollie:''' So, the Leader of the Opposition is going to be filmed at a police station at the exact moment that his Head of Communications is being arrested. Yes, okay, great, great, so that's a sack full of face-chewing rats, thank you very much.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, it's – This is what you have to deal with, right? It's just another day at the fuck office.
:'''Ollie:''' So now I have to step into your shoes, but ''after'' you've shat in them.
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, look at me! I'm not pulling anything out of a magic hat. The rabbits are falling to pieces, their fucking heads are coming off and frightening the kids. So somebody else is going to have to help out.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, who says I even want to be you, Malcolm? Who says that?
:'''Malcolm:''' Nobody says that. Except every screaming atom of that etiolated stick of fuck you call a body says that. Every fibre of your being, every stamen...says that. But you are not me, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' No.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you never will be me. I knew Malcolm F. Tucker, sir...and you are no Malcolm Fucking Tucker. You're not even fucking Manchester's top Malcolm Tucker tribute band. And trying to be me? ''You?!'' Trying to be me will fucking kill you. I give you 18 months before you're a washed out, weeping, alcoholic. With no fucking bladder control. Sleeping on your brother-in-law's sofa.
:'''Ollie:''' And so on, and so on. It doesn't have to be like that, now, Malcolm. Politics has actually changed, right?
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah! Yeah, and you probably haven't noticed because you've been on transmit for the last fucking eight years: &quot;Wah wah wah wah wah!&quot; And whilst you've been doing that, everybody else has been changing, and it's all a bit softcore now, it's all about algorithms now. You don't have to be Malcolm Tucker to sit in that chair.
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, how quickly they grow up. You fucking think you know me?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yeah. Yeah, I know you.
:'''Malcolm:''' You know [[wikipedia:Jackie Chan|Jackie fucking Chan]] about me. YOU KNOW FUCK ALL ABOUT ME! ''I'' am totally beyond the realms of your fucking tousle-haired, fucking dimwitted compre-fucking-hension! I don’t just take this fucking job home, you know. I take this job home, it fucking ties me to the bed, and it fucking fucks me from arsehole to breakfast. Then it wakes me up in the morning with a cup full of ''piss'' slung in my face, slaps me about the chops, to make sure I’m awake enough so it can kick me in the fucking bollocks! This job has taken me in every hole in my fucking body! MALCOLM IS GONE, you can't know Malcolm, 'cause Malcolm is not here! Malcolm fucking left the building fucking years ago! This is a fucking husk! I am a fucking host for this fucking job! Do you want this job?
:'''Ollie:''' ... Yes.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes! You ''do'' fucking want this job! Then you're gonna have to fucking swallow this whole fucking life and let it grow inside you like a parasite, getting bigger and bigger and bigger until it fucking eats your insides alive and it stares out of your eyes and tells you what to do!
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this sounds like the fucking video you leave on YouTube after you've blown your brains out!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm as dead as fucking [[wikipedia:Two-tone_(music_genre)|two-tone]]. But I can fashion my own exit.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Christ. What, are you gonna [[wikipedia:Suicide_tourism#Switzerland|fly to Switzerland]] and have a wank off a nurse and a bye-bye pill, are you?
:'''Malcolm:''' Funny, funny man. Political exit.
:'''Ollie:''' No, I know.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm gonna leave the stage with my head held fucking high, right? What you're going to see is a masterclass in fucking dignity, son. The audience will be on their feet. &quot;There he goes,&quot; they'll say. &quot;No friends - no real friends - no children, no glory, no memoirs.&quot; ... Well, fuck them.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola has discovered that Declan, the journalist due to interview her, is the man behind 'Mr Chop'!)''
:'''Nicola:''' I am, uh...ever so close to being on the verge of bawling my fucking eyes out' disappointed about this. I mean, this was it, was it? What was the alternative, going on Strictly Come Dancing and doing a fucking hooky waltz with [[wikipedia:Abu_Hamza_al-Masri|Abu Hamza]]? This is pretty low. This is lower than my mother's pelvic floor, Helen.
:'''Helen:''' I had to virtually go on the game to get you this. So, frankly, I don't care whether he wants to roll around in applesauce with you. Get in there and do as you're told. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(taking a breath)'' Right. I will go, because I'm choosing to go in. But I just need you to know for the record...
:'''Helen:''' Just get in there before I push you in. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(At [[wikipedia:Lewisham|Lewisham]] Police Station, where private contractors have reduced the arrest backlog.)''
:'''Dan:''' Ollie, what the fuck are we doing here? Everything's fine. I'm like lube at a funeral.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. I can't believe it but DoSAC have actually turned this around, they've [[wikipedia:Apollo_13|Apollo 13]]'d it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and his lawyer are trying to get out of [[wikipedia:Brentford|Brentford]] Police Station. They come across a policeman escorting a prisoner.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Scuse me, is there another way out of here?
:'''Prisoner:''' You could hang yourself.
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and his lawyer are running away from reporters to their taxi, but it drives off)''
:'''Malcolm:''' HEY! GET THE FUCK BACK HERE! ''(the taxi stops and they get in)'' Jesus Christ! Go! Go go go! ''(the taxi drives off)'' You fucking drive off like that again, and I'll stick your meter so far down your throat you'll be able to tell the price of your next ''shit''.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Come out, everyone! Tally-ho, yoo-hoo! Come on, bring out your fucking dead! Right, everybody listen, I've got an announcement to make, erm... 
:'''Phil:''' What is it, you got an erection?
:'''Glenn:''' No. I would like to tell you all that I'm resigning!
:'''Phil:''' Is that it?
:'''Glenn:''' No, you closeted [[wikipedia:Regency_era|Regency]] homosexual, that is not it. Morally, this department is in the gutter!
:'''Fergus:''' Thanks for the speech, Glenn, but we have work –
:'''Glenn:''' ''(grabs a desktop lamp)'' YOU STAY AND TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT! I will lamp you, with a lamp!
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, you've gone a tiny bit psychotic, my love.
:'''Glenn:''' ''(puts down the lamp)'' You, Fergus, when you asked me to join you, all you had was your principles, but over the last two years, you've bent like a human fucking palm tree, swaying to the guff of these six-toed born-to-rule pony-fuckers.
:'''Adam:''' If you're gonna go, just go. Spare us this [[Network (film)|Peter Finch bullshit]].
:'''Glenn:''' Oh! Adam, you're waiting for your turn! Oh no! I remember, it's your turn right now!
:'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Bring it.
:'''Glenn:''' You are simply the most loathsome human being I have ever met. 
:'''Adam:''' Yep.
:'''Glenn:''' You were so well-suited at the ''Mail'', it's a shame you came over here!
:'''Emma:''' Hear, hear! ''(she and Phil clap)''
:'''Glenn:''' Do you know what? I hate you both: [[wikipedia:Tweedledum_and_Tweedledee|Tweedle-twat and Tweedle-prick]]! You contribute absolutely ''nothing'' to the world, so thank fucking God you have ''no power!''
:'''Fergus:''' Er, we do actually, it's –
:'''Glenn:''' No, you don't. And Peter: it's been dreadful. I hope your cock falls off. Phil, do you know what you are? You're like an eight-year-old trapped in a twelve-year-old's body.
:'''Phil:''' ''(gleefully)'' This is great! Why isn't anyone filming this?
:'''Glenn:''' And Emma.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, yeah, do Emma, do Emma!
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, Emma, I'm sorry, you're just a standard-issue insipid posh bitch. That's it! Terri? ''(takes a pair of scissors)''
:'''Phil:''' Oh, whoa, whoa.
:'''Glenn:''' I don't think I've ever met anyone quite so proud, and yet quite so useless. But I do have to thank you, ''(takes his pass and cuts it up)'' because I have managed to stay in shape, purely though the energy I spend in pitying you every day!
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, you're just embarrassing yourself.
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck you all up the wrong 'un! Ta ta! Bye bye! ''(leaves)''
:'''Phil:''' That was better than IMAX ''[[Inception (film)|Inception]]''.
:'''Emma:''' Poor, poor Glenn!
:'''Peter:''' Should we try and get him back?
:'''Emma:''' Fuck, no. He's gone completely mental!
:'''Adam:''' He's gone Glenn-tal.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm's last line)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I want to say something. I want to say something! ''(long silence)'' It doesn't matter.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As the Team DoSAC Coalition is celebrating Malcolm's arrest -- with some booze, no less -- Mary Drake returns with some big news.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking on the job, Peter? Why not? You've already got the efficiency of a man who's half cut. 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, then I must have dreamt that, uh, my idea had ''successfully reduced the arrest backlog?''
:'''Mary:''' DoSAC did do rather well today, uh, actually. 
:'''Terri:''' Thank you. 
:'''Mary:''' But there's a conspicuous blockage that will lead to a personnel change. 
:''(Mary then turns to Stewart, who's sitting on the floor.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. You're out. You're gonna be pickled in a think tank. 
:'''Terri:''' What? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(scoffing)'' Of course I am, Mary. And whose authority is this coming from, hmm? 
:'''Mary:''' The PM, whilst acknowledging the need for thoughts, is keener on actions these days. I'm gonna be providing those. Stewart, there's no need for you to clear your desk, because you're a walking thought pod, aren't you? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(calm, but clearly unhappy)'' Absolutely. Thank you very much...Thanks, um...
:''(But then, Stewart launches one last razor sharp parting shot.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' You know, I've spent ''ten'' years detoxifying this party, hmmm? It's been a bit like renovating an old, old house, yeah? You can take out a sexist beam here, a callous window there, replace the odd homophobic roof tile. ''(Stewart finally gets up.)'' But after a while you realise that this renovation is doomed. Because the foundations are built on what I can only describe as a solid bed of ''cunts.''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(This is the show's closing line.)''
:'''Peter:''' What a shit day!

== Cast ==

'''The Government'''
* [[w:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Malcolm Tucker]]
* [[w:Paul Higgins (actor)|Paul Higgins]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Jamie McDonald]]
* [[w:Alex MacQueen|Alex MacQueen]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Julius Nicholson]]
* [[w:Rebecca Front|Rebecca Front]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nicola Murray]]
* [[w:|Eve Matheson]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Clare Ballentine]]
* [[w:Justin Edwards|Justin Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ben Swain]]
* [[w:Rory Kinnear|Rory Kinnear]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ed]]
* [[w:Tony Gardner|Tony Gardner]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Dan Miller]]
* [[w:James Smith|James Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Glenn Cullen]]
* [[w:Chris Addison|Chris Addison]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Oliver &quot;Ollie&quot; Reeder]]
* [[w:Rob Edwards|Rob Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Geoff Holhurst]]

'''Her Majesty's Civil Service'''
* [[w:Joanna Scanlan|Joanna Scanlan]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Terri Coverley]]
* [[w:Polly Kemp|Polly Kemp]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Robyn Murdoch]]

'''The Opposition'''
* [[w:Vincent Franklin|Vincent Franklin]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Stewart Pearson]]
* [[w:Roger Allam|Roger Allam]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Peter Mannion]]
* [[w:Olivia Poulet|Olivia Poulet]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Emma Messinger]]
* [[w:Will Smith (comedian)|Will Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Phil Smith]]

'''The Media'''
* [[w:Ben Willbond|Ben Willbond]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Adam Kenyon]]
* [[w:Lucinda Raikes|Lucinda Raikes]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Angela Heaney]]

'''Former Characters'''
* [[w:Chris Langham|Chris Langham]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Hugh Abbot]]
* [[w:Tim Bentinck|Tim Bentinck]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Cliff Lawton]]
* [[w:Martin Savage|Martin Savage]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nick Hanway]]
* [[w:Rebecca Gethings|Rebecca Gethings]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Helen Hatley]] 
* [[w:Geoffrey Streatfeild|Geoffrey Streatfeild]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Fergus Williams]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0459159|title=The Thick Of It}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Thick of It, The}}
[[Category:BBC shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Political satirical TV shows]]
[[Category:UK sitcoms]]
[[Category:UK workplace comedy TV shows]]</text>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-26T14:02:56Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Finish a deletion nomination */ Reply</comment>
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== Madman in Bulldozer on Aisle Five ==

[[File:Bauhaus Marionette Nachbau Der-Bucklige-Frontal.jpg|thumb|the bulldozer operator?]]
:For anyone interested, it should be noted that &quot;HouseofChange&quot; is wildly pushing his (or a puppetmaster's?) POV. All the quotes bulldozed wrecklessly in bulk carte blanche, over the past couple of months  were ALL approved by the regular Admins here months ago. They made zero objections to the material and are  known to scrutinize everything posted here without delay. Suddenly a very loudmouthed newcomer arrived on the set, has over-ruled the judgement of the other admins, and is very heroically, loudly,  rescuing the entire project  from the diabolical work of a villain who slipped hundreds of quotations &amp; new pages into the system while the all guards were sound asleep? Really??!!  What a mystery.  Maybe the bulldozer operator and a few others, are working for corrupt elements of the U.S. Government, knuckleheads who hate the truth &amp; love censorhip, coverups and their skills in the art of deception [[Information Warfare Community|&quot;information dominance&quot;]]???? What happened?  Does wikipedia give refunds to extremely disappointed donors??  May fearful people quit being afraid. May everyone feel the peace that passes understanding.  May God help us all!
* It would probably be more helpful if you just dryly told us what the problem was instead of trying to be so supremely colorful. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 18:43, 25 April 2022 (UTC)

: He seems pretty neutral to me. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 02:05, 10 May 2022 (UTC)

: (EC) Nobody has called the sockmaster &quot;diabolical&quot; or a &quot;villain.&quot;  I am new here but I have been [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Contributions/HouseOfChange&amp;dir=prev&amp;target=HouseOfChange active at Wikipedia since 2014]. My edit history is clear and public. And unfortunately for the sockmaster, their combined edit history is also clear and public, although they tried to hide it by caping their views behind multiethnic identities. So LibraryClerk was the same person as GaneshaSis who was the same person as WASPy-sounding WillSeymoreIII. Military-sounding AlphaBravo2022 was the same person as triply-ethnic Alicia-abdula-mcdonald  (she was for a while giving edit summaries in French.) That's deception. And once LibraryClerk got banned but kept right on posting using other accounts, that's abusive sockpuppetry that gets editors blocked, per longtime policy. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 19:07, 25 April 2022 (UTC)
::@[[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]], you say that your &quot; edit history is clear and public&quot;. but when I try to use Xtools to look at your contribution history I see &lt;blockquote&gt;This user has not opted in to have this data shown. Please either login to XTools as this user, or create User:HouseOfChange/EditCounterOptIn.js with any content. See the documentation for more information.&lt;/blockquote&gt; Would you pease allow wikiquotiens to see your contributions on this wiki by simply clicking '''Supercount''' at the bottom of your contributions page? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 14:19, 24 May 2022 (UTC)
::: What is public and plain is [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/HouseOfChange my contribution history]. (I can see yours and everybody else's that way.) I am not sure what privacy rights I'd be giving away by opting into making my edit counts public, so I don't plan to do that unless for some very good reason. I made very few edits to Wikiquote until this year, so it shouldn't be hard for people to analyze.  [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 18:16, 24 May 2022 (UTC)
::::@[[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]]The analysis of your edits through  Xtools on enwp is available for anyone to see. Are you saying that you trust enwp more than you trust enwq? if so, who is it that you trust less on wikiquote:
::::* Readers
::::* Users
::::* Admins
::::* Visitors from other wmf-projects such as Stewards, Global sysops, swmt members, renamers, etc.
::::* anyone else
::::Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 10:50, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

{{outdent}} I am here to help build WikiQuote, not for drama and personal interactions. I am not interested in continuing this discussion, or any other that doesn't directly bear on WikiQuote. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 12:06, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

:@[[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]], so am I. I  posted my question above because I believe it is very relevant to the health of Wikiquote. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:49, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

:: I disagree, and I have no intention of 1) changing my settings or 2) replying to your dramatic speculation about what my motivations might be. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 13:37, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

== Merge ip edits to user account ==

I have been editing under the ip range of [[Special:Contributions/2603:7080:da3c:7a33::/64|2603:7080:da3c:7a33::/64]], I would like this to be merged to the user account [[User:ilovemydoodle|ilovemydoodle]], Is this possible and if so, can it be done?
{{Collapse bottom}}

== &quot;LibraryClerk&quot; editing from IP ==

This IP is clearly a new sock of &quot;LibraryClerk&quot;: https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/24.42.166.244

Could some admin please block this new sock that is evading LibraryClerk's block? Otherwise Wikiquote will continue to get edits such as [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Corruption&amp;diff=prev&amp;oldid=3118813 this major POV push]. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 07:33, 30 May 2022 (UTC)
* I don't see that this account is registered on any project. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:35, 30 May 2022 (UTC)
** {{re|GreenMeansGo}} I should have given the full name,  [[Special:Contributions/Libraryclerk0191]]. I don't have a link to the  sockpuppet investigation but the aftermath was discussed [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard/Archive/037#Comparison_of_privacy_protection_between_Wikiquote_(WQ)_and_the_English_Wikipedia_(ENWP) here]. Apparently {{u|Vermont}} did a checkuser, because it looked as if LC191 was continuing to edit from other usernames.  Then {{u|Ferien}} blocked LC191's sock accounts identified from the sock check, IIUC. Please somebody block this IP who is CLEARLY the same person, from creating new clean-up problems. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 11:37, 30 May 2022 (UTC)
* {{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:31, 31 May 2022 (UTC)

== Account deletion ==

I have decided to not delete my account, I would like my User Page undeleted, I will be un-redacting comments. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] | [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) {{Ds|{DELETION IN PROGRESS}}} 04:39, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
* {{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:29, 1 June 2022 (UTC)

== Redirect request ==

Can someone please make [[☭]] redirect to [[communism]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] | [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:14, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
: A redirect from what? ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:56, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|UDScott}} From [[☭]] to [[Communism]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:58, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Ah, I see. However, this symbol is on the list of disallowed page titles. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:00, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|UDScott}} That’s why I’m asking for an admin to do it, it exists on Wikipedia. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:01, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:36, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Sockpuppet investigation ==

I think [[Special:contribs/221.120.208.175|221.120.208.175]] might be a Sockpuppet of [[User:GHOSTWORKER|GHOSTWORKER]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:03, 4 June 2022 (UTC)

{{Ds|No I donot Know him 221.120.208.175}}

: ??? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:41, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Link hijacking ==

Admins, do you check links for hijacking? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:49, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

:E.g.? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:36, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
::Like sending a link to malware or some kind of unauthorized Administrator/Bureaucrat action disguised as something else. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:58, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

&lt;s&gt;Could someone please revdel [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Ilovemydoodle&amp;oldid=3111786 this]?&lt;/s&gt; Edit: Done. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:01, 7 June 2022 (UTC)

== LTA horror decade sock strikes again ==

IP user 2600:387:15:630:0:0:0:8 is a LTA talk page vandal sock. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 01:49, 8 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:56, 8 June 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request (2) ==

Could someone please revdel [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Vandalism_in_progress&amp;diff=prev&amp;oldid=3115216&amp;diffmode=source this]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:38, 10 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:10, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
::Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:25, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request (3) ==

Could someone please revdel [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_Smith&amp;oldid=3110155 this]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:04, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{not done}} Revdel should be reserved for particularly egregious material (doxxing, linking to spam, personal insults) and this edit is not that. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:15, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

== Edit filter ==

{{ping|koavf}} Could you add &quot;VVKLOSER&quot; to the Edit Filter? (it's commonly used by GRP) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:51, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{not done}} {{u|Ferien}} Do you want to do this? You have a filter for this abuser and I think you could incorporate it into that one. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:18, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
::{{u|Koavf}}, yep, I'll take a look at that now, probably not too difficult to do. The filter itself is mainly a copy of simplewiki's as his behaviour is almost identical here. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 19:24, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{done}} --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 19:28, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Well it doesn’t seem to be working: VVKLOSER VVKLOSER VVKLOSER VVKLOSER. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:43, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

== Page protection may be needed ==
[[Bubble Guppies]] is being repeatedly recreated with no quotes, page protection may be needed. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:32, 14 June 2022 (UTC)
:Also the same keeps happening with [[Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!]]. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 00:43, 15 June 2022 (UTC)
::Also with [[Yo Gabba Gabba]]‎ and to a lesser extent [[T.U.F.F. Puppy]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:56, 15 June 2022 (UTC)

== Requested move ==

Can an admin move [[Zork Grand Inquisitor]] to [[Zork: Grand Inquisitor]], over the current redirect? Cheers, [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 17:16, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 00:47, 17 June 2022 (UTC)
::Thank you {{u|UDScott}}. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 05:41, 17 June 2022 (UTC)

== Protected move request ==

Could the pages [[Template:Test4]] and [[Template:Test4im]] be swapped? They seem to be the reverse of what they should be (also to be consistent with Wikipedia). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:02, 21 June 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

Could someone revdel [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User:SHUMBH&amp;oldid=3133965 this] edit summary? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:12, 25 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:11, 25 June 2022 (UTC)

== Archive.is ==

Can we add archive.is to the abuse filter? Or whatever domain they're using now. It is commonly abused by GRP and I see no real use of it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:45, 1 July 2022 (UTC)

== Wow! Wow! Wubbzy! ==
The page [[Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!]] is being repeatedly recreated with no quotes. I think page protection is needed. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 16:22, 5 July 2022 (UTC)
:Already done - my first step was to protect it from IP edits...if it continues, will take further steps. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 16:23, 5 July 2022 (UTC)

::Ok, thank you {{u|UDScott}}. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 16:32, 5 July 2022 (UTC)

== Request for Importer ==

&lt;span style=&quot;position: absolute; visibility: hidden;&quot;&gt;@[[User:Aphaia]] @[[User:BD2412]] @[[User:DannyS712]] @[[User:Ferien]] @[[User:GreenMeansGo]] @[[User:Illegitimate Barrister]] @[[User:Jusjih]] @[[User:Kalki]] @[[User:Koavf]] @[[User:Mdd]] @[[User:Miszatomic]] @[[User:Ningauble]] @[[User:Pmlineditor]] @[[User:UDScott]]
&lt;!-- All users after this line are not admins, just want to be pinged. You, yourself, can be added here, too, just add yourself below this line. --&gt;
@[[User:Ilovemydoodle]]&lt;/span&gt;@$[[Special:ListUsers/sysop|AllAdministrators]]: (pinging because the admins don’t seem to check this page often)

I regularly need to import pages from Wikipedia and other wikis, so I am requesting the &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt; right to make this process much easier, provide better attribution, and to allow the reversal, modification, and viewing of pre-import revisions. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:37, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

:As pointed out on my talk, a bureaucrat will need to actually do this. Have you done importing before? Are you willing to do the cleanup necessary (e.g. when there are redlinks)? Can you give an idea of what you'd want to import, as the content pages from Wikipedia will not always be relevant here (tho some of them would be, as there are articles tagged with quotation sections that should be imported)? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:30, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|koavf}} Yes, I have imported hundreds of templates (properly). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:32, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I cannot recall any other requests for this right in the past - and it appears that this can actually only be done by a steward. Per the [[w:Wikipedia:User_access_levels#Importers_and_transwiki_importers|relevant page on WP]], &quot;This access is highly restricted and is only available for assignment to a limited number of very trusted users by stewards following a special community approval discussion.&quot; I don't think that you wishing to have it to make some tasks easier qualifies. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 22:37, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|UDScott}} I am very confused. The option is available already to admins, so why do I need to be more trusted to get a lower-level user right? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:39, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::I just quoted what I read on the subject (as I had to look into it, having never received such a request before) - take it up with a steward if you have an issue, as it does not appear I could grant it to you even if I wanted to. As to your question - admins already go through a special community approval process in order to become admins. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 22:45, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::{{ping|UDScott}} So, admins can be appointed by bureaucrats, but importers have to be appointed by stewards. If so, then why do you have to go through a far-more thorough appointing process to get a lesser user right? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:48, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I don't see that it is any more thorough than that for admins. In both cases, a community discussion is required, it's just different roles that actually grant the permission after said discussion. I'm also not really inclined to say that importing is really a lesser user right - it could certainly be abused in the wrong hands. I am not saying you would abuse it, but I can see why it is not so easily granted. I do still have some reluctance to grant you additional rights anyway, as I still do not understand all that you are trying to do here, and I still maintain that much of your template work is redundant and wasted and steamrolls existing templates already in use. You demonstrate an impatience that in my mind is not compatible with someone with advanced user rights on the site. By the way, you're asking these questions to me as if I was the author of the cited policies - I am not. And I have no idea why any of this was set up this way (other than to be judicious in granting such rights, as I mentioned already). ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 23:04, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::{{ping|UDScott}} Well, my point is not that is or is not a &quot;lesser right&quot;, but that it is not a greater right. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:16, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

== Report concerning Achim110 ==

{{U|Achim110}} is making some weird edits. On [[Wikidata]], {{GENDER:Achim110|he|she|they}} [[Special:Diff/3125691/3141310|replaced the Wikidata logo with a (nonexistent) Wikinews logo]], with several other nonsensical logo edits in between. Some of their other page creations seem to be random copy+pasted “administrative” wikitext; at [[Keir Graff]], they’ve created a purported block review by [[User:Keir Graff]] (whose user page Achim also created, and who also isn’t blocked on English Wikiquote as far as I can tell). Can someone check what’s going on? [[User:Lucas Werkmeister|Lucas Werkmeister]] ([[User talk:Lucas Werkmeister|talk]]) 14:29, 13 July 2022 (UTC)
: This user has been permanently blocked, and a mass deletion of all pages created by the account performed. ~ &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 15:08, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== Edit war ==

There has been an ongoing edit war on [[Sonic the Hedgehog 2]] on whether &quot;Shadow&quot;'s eyes are orange or red. Can this be sorted out? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:05, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done|Solved}} '''&lt;sup&gt;(Hopefully)&lt;/sup&gt;''' by [[User:Koavf|Koavf]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:14, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Crosswiki spammer ==

On the [[:Education in India]] page, please hide the two edits immediately prior to my edit. They contain a spam link being pushed across numerous wikis. Cheers. ['''[[:User:Cromium|&lt;sub&gt;24&lt;/sub&gt;Cr]]''']['''[[:User talk:Cromium|talk]]'''] 12:40, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:53, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

== Finish a deletion nomination ==

Hello, please could someone add [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Formatting]] to the log page for me? I can't do it as an IP because the page has been protected. Thank you! [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 00:21, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:26, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Thanks a bunch, much appreciated.
::If you get a minute could you also add:
::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:N]]
::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:This]]
::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Vote removed]]
::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Strikethrough templates]]
::to the same page? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:40, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{done}} as well. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 20:24, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Could you please also list these four discussions?:
::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:LTADatabase]]
::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:REDACTED]]
::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Always substitute]]
::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:T]]
::::Thank you. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:12, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Forgot to ping you. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:16, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 23:56, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Could you please add these discussions too?
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Change title]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Longquote]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Ping active users]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Bansock]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Banplz]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Welcome-Formatting]]
::::::Thanks! [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:13, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::{{Done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 15:37, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Another batch, if that's OK:
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:First article]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Sandbox link]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Userspace linking templates]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:SpellCheck]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Db-g12]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Db-copyvio-notice]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Category:Suspected Wikipedia sockpuppets of GR&lt;noinclude/&gt;P]] 
::::::::Thanks! [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:17, 24 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:49, 25 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Thanks a bunch, and thanks for adding some of the discussions I just started.
::::::::::In this edit [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Votes_for_deletion&amp;diff=3146967&amp;oldid=3146966] you seem to have accidentally deleted [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Db-copyvio-notice]] while doing some cleanup, please could you re-add it to the list?
::::::::::Also a few more nominations:
::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Uw-afd5]]
::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Ensure AAA contrast ratio]]
::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Templatesnotice]]
::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Closed and Template:Reopen]]
::::::::::Thanks again! [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:02, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

== Broken links in contributions page ==

also, while I'm here, the SUL info link in [[MediaWiki:Sp-contributions-footer]] leads to a deleted tool, and the &quot;supercount&quot; tool has been renamed to xtools and moved to a different domain. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 01:03, 19 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} Thanks. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:28, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
::@[[User:Koavf|Koavf]] Sorry, you seem to have gotten that back to front. The link you removed still works, but it now redirects you to a different site because it was replaced by a new tool. The one that is broken without replacement is the &quot;SUL info&quot; link. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 10:25, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::done}} Whoopsie daisy. Thanks.{ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 10:28, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

== [[User: Eaglestorm]] again ==

This user with a history of being disruptive (just see their [[User talk:Eaglestorm]]) and a permanent block from English WP was recently globally unblocked on a technicality and is back to their [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/Eaglestorm typical antics] of ruthlessly “enforcing” the non-policy, unofficial guideline of [[WQ:LOQ]] via edit warring and being hostile and stubborn when asked to negotiate a solution. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 03:29, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
:here we go. did you even read the stewards report? I'm up to &quot;typical antics&quot; ... YOU'RE PLAIN OBSESSED with taking me down. What nonpolicy are you talking about? The one that's been effective with copyvio for the last 14 years?  --[[User:Eaglestorm|Eaglestorm]] ([[User talk:Eaglestorm|talk]]) 03:33, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
::Yes, you still are being a net negative here. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 03:35, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
::Do you not understand what '''''proposed''''' means here?! [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 03:38, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
:Do you have diffs of edit-warring? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:01, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Dronebogus}} It looks a bit like you saw ES editing, and went around revering their edits across articles, including apparently on a least some article you'd never edited before, meaning you weren't following your watchlist, you were following ES. I guess we can add repeatedly reverting ES on their own talk page.
: So that's not all exactly a pristine position from which to argue about someone else's disruptiveness. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 20:26, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
::I know that, but ES is enforcing a proposed policy in a disruptive manner and is refusing to negotiate even when asked to. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 22:15, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Well, one part inherent in LOQ certainly is policy: that excessively lengthy passages run afoul of copyright. But if you're gonna pick a hill to die on, I'm not sure the right one is ensuring that the article on GAT V includes riveting lines such as &quot;'''Jimmy De Santa''': Go away. '''Michael De Santa''': What?&quot; [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:08, 25 July 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>m0r8umslao1jo4pgzybq81dmgrlti23</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147435</id>
      <parentid>3147433</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T14:19:47Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Salt a page title for use in documentation */ new section</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="33393" xml:space="preserve">{{/Header}}
{{User:MABot/config
|archive = Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/%(counter)03d
|algo = old(15d)
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== Madman in Bulldozer on Aisle Five ==

[[File:Bauhaus Marionette Nachbau Der-Bucklige-Frontal.jpg|thumb|the bulldozer operator?]]
:For anyone interested, it should be noted that &quot;HouseofChange&quot; is wildly pushing his (or a puppetmaster's?) POV. All the quotes bulldozed wrecklessly in bulk carte blanche, over the past couple of months  were ALL approved by the regular Admins here months ago. They made zero objections to the material and are  known to scrutinize everything posted here without delay. Suddenly a very loudmouthed newcomer arrived on the set, has over-ruled the judgement of the other admins, and is very heroically, loudly,  rescuing the entire project  from the diabolical work of a villain who slipped hundreds of quotations &amp; new pages into the system while the all guards were sound asleep? Really??!!  What a mystery.  Maybe the bulldozer operator and a few others, are working for corrupt elements of the U.S. Government, knuckleheads who hate the truth &amp; love censorhip, coverups and their skills in the art of deception [[Information Warfare Community|&quot;information dominance&quot;]]???? What happened?  Does wikipedia give refunds to extremely disappointed donors??  May fearful people quit being afraid. May everyone feel the peace that passes understanding.  May God help us all!
* It would probably be more helpful if you just dryly told us what the problem was instead of trying to be so supremely colorful. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 18:43, 25 April 2022 (UTC)

: He seems pretty neutral to me. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 02:05, 10 May 2022 (UTC)

: (EC) Nobody has called the sockmaster &quot;diabolical&quot; or a &quot;villain.&quot;  I am new here but I have been [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Contributions/HouseOfChange&amp;dir=prev&amp;target=HouseOfChange active at Wikipedia since 2014]. My edit history is clear and public. And unfortunately for the sockmaster, their combined edit history is also clear and public, although they tried to hide it by caping their views behind multiethnic identities. So LibraryClerk was the same person as GaneshaSis who was the same person as WASPy-sounding WillSeymoreIII. Military-sounding AlphaBravo2022 was the same person as triply-ethnic Alicia-abdula-mcdonald  (she was for a while giving edit summaries in French.) That's deception. And once LibraryClerk got banned but kept right on posting using other accounts, that's abusive sockpuppetry that gets editors blocked, per longtime policy. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 19:07, 25 April 2022 (UTC)
::@[[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]], you say that your &quot; edit history is clear and public&quot;. but when I try to use Xtools to look at your contribution history I see &lt;blockquote&gt;This user has not opted in to have this data shown. Please either login to XTools as this user, or create User:HouseOfChange/EditCounterOptIn.js with any content. See the documentation for more information.&lt;/blockquote&gt; Would you pease allow wikiquotiens to see your contributions on this wiki by simply clicking '''Supercount''' at the bottom of your contributions page? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 14:19, 24 May 2022 (UTC)
::: What is public and plain is [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/HouseOfChange my contribution history]. (I can see yours and everybody else's that way.) I am not sure what privacy rights I'd be giving away by opting into making my edit counts public, so I don't plan to do that unless for some very good reason. I made very few edits to Wikiquote until this year, so it shouldn't be hard for people to analyze.  [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 18:16, 24 May 2022 (UTC)
::::@[[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]]The analysis of your edits through  Xtools on enwp is available for anyone to see. Are you saying that you trust enwp more than you trust enwq? if so, who is it that you trust less on wikiquote:
::::* Readers
::::* Users
::::* Admins
::::* Visitors from other wmf-projects such as Stewards, Global sysops, swmt members, renamers, etc.
::::* anyone else
::::Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 10:50, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

{{outdent}} I am here to help build WikiQuote, not for drama and personal interactions. I am not interested in continuing this discussion, or any other that doesn't directly bear on WikiQuote. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 12:06, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

:@[[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]], so am I. I  posted my question above because I believe it is very relevant to the health of Wikiquote. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:49, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

:: I disagree, and I have no intention of 1) changing my settings or 2) replying to your dramatic speculation about what my motivations might be. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 13:37, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

== Merge ip edits to user account ==

I have been editing under the ip range of [[Special:Contributions/2603:7080:da3c:7a33::/64|2603:7080:da3c:7a33::/64]], I would like this to be merged to the user account [[User:ilovemydoodle|ilovemydoodle]], Is this possible and if so, can it be done?
{{Collapse bottom}}

== &quot;LibraryClerk&quot; editing from IP ==

This IP is clearly a new sock of &quot;LibraryClerk&quot;: https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/24.42.166.244

Could some admin please block this new sock that is evading LibraryClerk's block? Otherwise Wikiquote will continue to get edits such as [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Corruption&amp;diff=prev&amp;oldid=3118813 this major POV push]. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 07:33, 30 May 2022 (UTC)
* I don't see that this account is registered on any project. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:35, 30 May 2022 (UTC)
** {{re|GreenMeansGo}} I should have given the full name,  [[Special:Contributions/Libraryclerk0191]]. I don't have a link to the  sockpuppet investigation but the aftermath was discussed [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard/Archive/037#Comparison_of_privacy_protection_between_Wikiquote_(WQ)_and_the_English_Wikipedia_(ENWP) here]. Apparently {{u|Vermont}} did a checkuser, because it looked as if LC191 was continuing to edit from other usernames.  Then {{u|Ferien}} blocked LC191's sock accounts identified from the sock check, IIUC. Please somebody block this IP who is CLEARLY the same person, from creating new clean-up problems. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 11:37, 30 May 2022 (UTC)
* {{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:31, 31 May 2022 (UTC)

== Account deletion ==

I have decided to not delete my account, I would like my User Page undeleted, I will be un-redacting comments. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] | [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) {{Ds|{DELETION IN PROGRESS}}} 04:39, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
* {{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:29, 1 June 2022 (UTC)

== Redirect request ==

Can someone please make [[☭]] redirect to [[communism]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] | [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:14, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
: A redirect from what? ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:56, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|UDScott}} From [[☭]] to [[Communism]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:58, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Ah, I see. However, this symbol is on the list of disallowed page titles. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:00, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|UDScott}} That’s why I’m asking for an admin to do it, it exists on Wikipedia. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:01, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:36, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Sockpuppet investigation ==

I think [[Special:contribs/221.120.208.175|221.120.208.175]] might be a Sockpuppet of [[User:GHOSTWORKER|GHOSTWORKER]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:03, 4 June 2022 (UTC)

{{Ds|No I donot Know him 221.120.208.175}}

: ??? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:41, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Link hijacking ==

Admins, do you check links for hijacking? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:49, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

:E.g.? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:36, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
::Like sending a link to malware or some kind of unauthorized Administrator/Bureaucrat action disguised as something else. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:58, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

&lt;s&gt;Could someone please revdel [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Ilovemydoodle&amp;oldid=3111786 this]?&lt;/s&gt; Edit: Done. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:01, 7 June 2022 (UTC)

== LTA horror decade sock strikes again ==

IP user 2600:387:15:630:0:0:0:8 is a LTA talk page vandal sock. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 01:49, 8 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:56, 8 June 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request (2) ==

Could someone please revdel [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Vandalism_in_progress&amp;diff=prev&amp;oldid=3115216&amp;diffmode=source this]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:38, 10 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:10, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
::Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:25, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request (3) ==

Could someone please revdel [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_Smith&amp;oldid=3110155 this]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:04, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{not done}} Revdel should be reserved for particularly egregious material (doxxing, linking to spam, personal insults) and this edit is not that. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:15, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

== Edit filter ==

{{ping|koavf}} Could you add &quot;VVKLOSER&quot; to the Edit Filter? (it's commonly used by GRP) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:51, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{not done}} {{u|Ferien}} Do you want to do this? You have a filter for this abuser and I think you could incorporate it into that one. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:18, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
::{{u|Koavf}}, yep, I'll take a look at that now, probably not too difficult to do. The filter itself is mainly a copy of simplewiki's as his behaviour is almost identical here. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 19:24, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{done}} --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 19:28, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Well it doesn’t seem to be working: VVKLOSER VVKLOSER VVKLOSER VVKLOSER. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:43, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

== Page protection may be needed ==
[[Bubble Guppies]] is being repeatedly recreated with no quotes, page protection may be needed. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:32, 14 June 2022 (UTC)
:Also the same keeps happening with [[Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!]]. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 00:43, 15 June 2022 (UTC)
::Also with [[Yo Gabba Gabba]]‎ and to a lesser extent [[T.U.F.F. Puppy]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:56, 15 June 2022 (UTC)

== Requested move ==

Can an admin move [[Zork Grand Inquisitor]] to [[Zork: Grand Inquisitor]], over the current redirect? Cheers, [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 17:16, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 00:47, 17 June 2022 (UTC)
::Thank you {{u|UDScott}}. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 05:41, 17 June 2022 (UTC)

== Protected move request ==

Could the pages [[Template:Test4]] and [[Template:Test4im]] be swapped? They seem to be the reverse of what they should be (also to be consistent with Wikipedia). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:02, 21 June 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

Could someone revdel [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User:SHUMBH&amp;oldid=3133965 this] edit summary? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:12, 25 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:11, 25 June 2022 (UTC)

== Archive.is ==

Can we add archive.is to the abuse filter? Or whatever domain they're using now. It is commonly abused by GRP and I see no real use of it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:45, 1 July 2022 (UTC)

== Wow! Wow! Wubbzy! ==
The page [[Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!]] is being repeatedly recreated with no quotes. I think page protection is needed. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 16:22, 5 July 2022 (UTC)
:Already done - my first step was to protect it from IP edits...if it continues, will take further steps. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 16:23, 5 July 2022 (UTC)

::Ok, thank you {{u|UDScott}}. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 16:32, 5 July 2022 (UTC)

== Request for Importer ==

&lt;span style=&quot;position: absolute; visibility: hidden;&quot;&gt;@[[User:Aphaia]] @[[User:BD2412]] @[[User:DannyS712]] @[[User:Ferien]] @[[User:GreenMeansGo]] @[[User:Illegitimate Barrister]] @[[User:Jusjih]] @[[User:Kalki]] @[[User:Koavf]] @[[User:Mdd]] @[[User:Miszatomic]] @[[User:Ningauble]] @[[User:Pmlineditor]] @[[User:UDScott]]
&lt;!-- All users after this line are not admins, just want to be pinged. You, yourself, can be added here, too, just add yourself below this line. --&gt;
@[[User:Ilovemydoodle]]&lt;/span&gt;@$[[Special:ListUsers/sysop|AllAdministrators]]: (pinging because the admins don’t seem to check this page often)

I regularly need to import pages from Wikipedia and other wikis, so I am requesting the &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt; right to make this process much easier, provide better attribution, and to allow the reversal, modification, and viewing of pre-import revisions. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:37, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

:As pointed out on my talk, a bureaucrat will need to actually do this. Have you done importing before? Are you willing to do the cleanup necessary (e.g. when there are redlinks)? Can you give an idea of what you'd want to import, as the content pages from Wikipedia will not always be relevant here (tho some of them would be, as there are articles tagged with quotation sections that should be imported)? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:30, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|koavf}} Yes, I have imported hundreds of templates (properly). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:32, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I cannot recall any other requests for this right in the past - and it appears that this can actually only be done by a steward. Per the [[w:Wikipedia:User_access_levels#Importers_and_transwiki_importers|relevant page on WP]], &quot;This access is highly restricted and is only available for assignment to a limited number of very trusted users by stewards following a special community approval discussion.&quot; I don't think that you wishing to have it to make some tasks easier qualifies. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 22:37, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|UDScott}} I am very confused. The option is available already to admins, so why do I need to be more trusted to get a lower-level user right? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:39, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::I just quoted what I read on the subject (as I had to look into it, having never received such a request before) - take it up with a steward if you have an issue, as it does not appear I could grant it to you even if I wanted to. As to your question - admins already go through a special community approval process in order to become admins. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 22:45, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::{{ping|UDScott}} So, admins can be appointed by bureaucrats, but importers have to be appointed by stewards. If so, then why do you have to go through a far-more thorough appointing process to get a lesser user right? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:48, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I don't see that it is any more thorough than that for admins. In both cases, a community discussion is required, it's just different roles that actually grant the permission after said discussion. I'm also not really inclined to say that importing is really a lesser user right - it could certainly be abused in the wrong hands. I am not saying you would abuse it, but I can see why it is not so easily granted. I do still have some reluctance to grant you additional rights anyway, as I still do not understand all that you are trying to do here, and I still maintain that much of your template work is redundant and wasted and steamrolls existing templates already in use. You demonstrate an impatience that in my mind is not compatible with someone with advanced user rights on the site. By the way, you're asking these questions to me as if I was the author of the cited policies - I am not. And I have no idea why any of this was set up this way (other than to be judicious in granting such rights, as I mentioned already). ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 23:04, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::{{ping|UDScott}} Well, my point is not that is or is not a &quot;lesser right&quot;, but that it is not a greater right. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:16, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

== Report concerning Achim110 ==

{{U|Achim110}} is making some weird edits. On [[Wikidata]], {{GENDER:Achim110|he|she|they}} [[Special:Diff/3125691/3141310|replaced the Wikidata logo with a (nonexistent) Wikinews logo]], with several other nonsensical logo edits in between. Some of their other page creations seem to be random copy+pasted “administrative” wikitext; at [[Keir Graff]], they’ve created a purported block review by [[User:Keir Graff]] (whose user page Achim also created, and who also isn’t blocked on English Wikiquote as far as I can tell). Can someone check what’s going on? [[User:Lucas Werkmeister|Lucas Werkmeister]] ([[User talk:Lucas Werkmeister|talk]]) 14:29, 13 July 2022 (UTC)
: This user has been permanently blocked, and a mass deletion of all pages created by the account performed. ~ &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 15:08, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== Edit war ==

There has been an ongoing edit war on [[Sonic the Hedgehog 2]] on whether &quot;Shadow&quot;'s eyes are orange or red. Can this be sorted out? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:05, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done|Solved}} '''&lt;sup&gt;(Hopefully)&lt;/sup&gt;''' by [[User:Koavf|Koavf]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:14, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Crosswiki spammer ==

On the [[:Education in India]] page, please hide the two edits immediately prior to my edit. They contain a spam link being pushed across numerous wikis. Cheers. ['''[[:User:Cromium|&lt;sub&gt;24&lt;/sub&gt;Cr]]''']['''[[:User talk:Cromium|talk]]'''] 12:40, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:53, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

== Finish a deletion nomination ==

Hello, please could someone add [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Formatting]] to the log page for me? I can't do it as an IP because the page has been protected. Thank you! [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 00:21, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:26, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Thanks a bunch, much appreciated.
::If you get a minute could you also add:
::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:N]]
::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:This]]
::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Vote removed]]
::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Strikethrough templates]]
::to the same page? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:40, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{done}} as well. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 20:24, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Could you please also list these four discussions?:
::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:LTADatabase]]
::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:REDACTED]]
::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Always substitute]]
::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:T]]
::::Thank you. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:12, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Forgot to ping you. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:16, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 23:56, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Could you please add these discussions too?
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Change title]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Longquote]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Ping active users]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Bansock]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Banplz]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Welcome-Formatting]]
::::::Thanks! [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:13, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::{{Done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 15:37, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Another batch, if that's OK:
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:First article]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Sandbox link]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Userspace linking templates]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:SpellCheck]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Db-g12]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Db-copyvio-notice]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Category:Suspected Wikipedia sockpuppets of GR&lt;noinclude/&gt;P]] 
::::::::Thanks! [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:17, 24 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:49, 25 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Thanks a bunch, and thanks for adding some of the discussions I just started.
::::::::::In this edit [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Votes_for_deletion&amp;diff=3146967&amp;oldid=3146966] you seem to have accidentally deleted [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Db-copyvio-notice]] while doing some cleanup, please could you re-add it to the list?
::::::::::Also a few more nominations:
::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Uw-afd5]]
::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Ensure AAA contrast ratio]]
::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Templatesnotice]]
::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Closed and Template:Reopen]]
::::::::::Thanks again! [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:02, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

== Broken links in contributions page ==

also, while I'm here, the SUL info link in [[MediaWiki:Sp-contributions-footer]] leads to a deleted tool, and the &quot;supercount&quot; tool has been renamed to xtools and moved to a different domain. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 01:03, 19 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} Thanks. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:28, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
::@[[User:Koavf|Koavf]] Sorry, you seem to have gotten that back to front. The link you removed still works, but it now redirects you to a different site because it was replaced by a new tool. The one that is broken without replacement is the &quot;SUL info&quot; link. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 10:25, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::done}} Whoopsie daisy. Thanks.{ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 10:28, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

== [[User: Eaglestorm]] again ==

This user with a history of being disruptive (just see their [[User talk:Eaglestorm]]) and a permanent block from English WP was recently globally unblocked on a technicality and is back to their [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/Eaglestorm typical antics] of ruthlessly “enforcing” the non-policy, unofficial guideline of [[WQ:LOQ]] via edit warring and being hostile and stubborn when asked to negotiate a solution. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 03:29, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
:here we go. did you even read the stewards report? I'm up to &quot;typical antics&quot; ... YOU'RE PLAIN OBSESSED with taking me down. What nonpolicy are you talking about? The one that's been effective with copyvio for the last 14 years?  --[[User:Eaglestorm|Eaglestorm]] ([[User talk:Eaglestorm|talk]]) 03:33, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
::Yes, you still are being a net negative here. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 03:35, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
::Do you not understand what '''''proposed''''' means here?! [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 03:38, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
:Do you have diffs of edit-warring? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:01, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Dronebogus}} It looks a bit like you saw ES editing, and went around revering their edits across articles, including apparently on a least some article you'd never edited before, meaning you weren't following your watchlist, you were following ES. I guess we can add repeatedly reverting ES on their own talk page.
: So that's not all exactly a pristine position from which to argue about someone else's disruptiveness. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 20:26, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
::I know that, but ES is enforcing a proposed policy in a disruptive manner and is refusing to negotiate even when asked to. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 22:15, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Well, one part inherent in LOQ certainly is policy: that excessively lengthy passages run afoul of copyright. But if you're gonna pick a hill to die on, I'm not sure the right one is ensuring that the article on GAT V includes riveting lines such as &quot;'''Jimmy De Santa''': Go away. '''Michael De Santa''': What?&quot; [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:08, 25 July 2022 (UTC)

== Salt a page title for use in documentation ==

Hello,

I'm planning on re-writing {{tl|redlink}} at some point in the next few days to make the implementation of this template a bit more sensible. As part of that I'd like to set it up so it creates links to a salted page title, rather than a random subpage of the template. Would someone be willing to creation protect a title for this purpose? Something like [[Wikiquote:redlink example]] would work well. I know from experience if you use an unprotected redlink in documentation someone is just going to create the page. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:19, 26 July 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>oj6lbi65ab61c4q806w1xwrkxq9m88l</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147440</id>
      <parentid>3147435</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T14:44:05Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Finish a deletion nomination */ Reply</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="33527" xml:space="preserve">{{/Header}}
{{User:MABot/config
|archive = Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/%(counter)03d
|algo = old(15d)
|counter = 37
|maxarchivesize = 300K
|minthreadsleft = 2
|archiveheader = 
|minthreadstoarchive = 1
}}

== Madman in Bulldozer on Aisle Five ==

[[File:Bauhaus Marionette Nachbau Der-Bucklige-Frontal.jpg|thumb|the bulldozer operator?]]
:For anyone interested, it should be noted that &quot;HouseofChange&quot; is wildly pushing his (or a puppetmaster's?) POV. All the quotes bulldozed wrecklessly in bulk carte blanche, over the past couple of months  were ALL approved by the regular Admins here months ago. They made zero objections to the material and are  known to scrutinize everything posted here without delay. Suddenly a very loudmouthed newcomer arrived on the set, has over-ruled the judgement of the other admins, and is very heroically, loudly,  rescuing the entire project  from the diabolical work of a villain who slipped hundreds of quotations &amp; new pages into the system while the all guards were sound asleep? Really??!!  What a mystery.  Maybe the bulldozer operator and a few others, are working for corrupt elements of the U.S. Government, knuckleheads who hate the truth &amp; love censorhip, coverups and their skills in the art of deception [[Information Warfare Community|&quot;information dominance&quot;]]???? What happened?  Does wikipedia give refunds to extremely disappointed donors??  May fearful people quit being afraid. May everyone feel the peace that passes understanding.  May God help us all!
* It would probably be more helpful if you just dryly told us what the problem was instead of trying to be so supremely colorful. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 18:43, 25 April 2022 (UTC)

: He seems pretty neutral to me. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 02:05, 10 May 2022 (UTC)

: (EC) Nobody has called the sockmaster &quot;diabolical&quot; or a &quot;villain.&quot;  I am new here but I have been [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Contributions/HouseOfChange&amp;dir=prev&amp;target=HouseOfChange active at Wikipedia since 2014]. My edit history is clear and public. And unfortunately for the sockmaster, their combined edit history is also clear and public, although they tried to hide it by caping their views behind multiethnic identities. So LibraryClerk was the same person as GaneshaSis who was the same person as WASPy-sounding WillSeymoreIII. Military-sounding AlphaBravo2022 was the same person as triply-ethnic Alicia-abdula-mcdonald  (she was for a while giving edit summaries in French.) That's deception. And once LibraryClerk got banned but kept right on posting using other accounts, that's abusive sockpuppetry that gets editors blocked, per longtime policy. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 19:07, 25 April 2022 (UTC)
::@[[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]], you say that your &quot; edit history is clear and public&quot;. but when I try to use Xtools to look at your contribution history I see &lt;blockquote&gt;This user has not opted in to have this data shown. Please either login to XTools as this user, or create User:HouseOfChange/EditCounterOptIn.js with any content. See the documentation for more information.&lt;/blockquote&gt; Would you pease allow wikiquotiens to see your contributions on this wiki by simply clicking '''Supercount''' at the bottom of your contributions page? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 14:19, 24 May 2022 (UTC)
::: What is public and plain is [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/HouseOfChange my contribution history]. (I can see yours and everybody else's that way.) I am not sure what privacy rights I'd be giving away by opting into making my edit counts public, so I don't plan to do that unless for some very good reason. I made very few edits to Wikiquote until this year, so it shouldn't be hard for people to analyze.  [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 18:16, 24 May 2022 (UTC)
::::@[[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]]The analysis of your edits through  Xtools on enwp is available for anyone to see. Are you saying that you trust enwp more than you trust enwq? if so, who is it that you trust less on wikiquote:
::::* Readers
::::* Users
::::* Admins
::::* Visitors from other wmf-projects such as Stewards, Global sysops, swmt members, renamers, etc.
::::* anyone else
::::Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 10:50, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

{{outdent}} I am here to help build WikiQuote, not for drama and personal interactions. I am not interested in continuing this discussion, or any other that doesn't directly bear on WikiQuote. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 12:06, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

:@[[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]], so am I. I  posted my question above because I believe it is very relevant to the health of Wikiquote. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:49, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

:: I disagree, and I have no intention of 1) changing my settings or 2) replying to your dramatic speculation about what my motivations might be. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 13:37, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

== Merge ip edits to user account ==

I have been editing under the ip range of [[Special:Contributions/2603:7080:da3c:7a33::/64|2603:7080:da3c:7a33::/64]], I would like this to be merged to the user account [[User:ilovemydoodle|ilovemydoodle]], Is this possible and if so, can it be done?
{{Collapse bottom}}

== &quot;LibraryClerk&quot; editing from IP ==

This IP is clearly a new sock of &quot;LibraryClerk&quot;: https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/24.42.166.244

Could some admin please block this new sock that is evading LibraryClerk's block? Otherwise Wikiquote will continue to get edits such as [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Corruption&amp;diff=prev&amp;oldid=3118813 this major POV push]. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 07:33, 30 May 2022 (UTC)
* I don't see that this account is registered on any project. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:35, 30 May 2022 (UTC)
** {{re|GreenMeansGo}} I should have given the full name,  [[Special:Contributions/Libraryclerk0191]]. I don't have a link to the  sockpuppet investigation but the aftermath was discussed [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard/Archive/037#Comparison_of_privacy_protection_between_Wikiquote_(WQ)_and_the_English_Wikipedia_(ENWP) here]. Apparently {{u|Vermont}} did a checkuser, because it looked as if LC191 was continuing to edit from other usernames.  Then {{u|Ferien}} blocked LC191's sock accounts identified from the sock check, IIUC. Please somebody block this IP who is CLEARLY the same person, from creating new clean-up problems. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 11:37, 30 May 2022 (UTC)
* {{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:31, 31 May 2022 (UTC)

== Account deletion ==

I have decided to not delete my account, I would like my User Page undeleted, I will be un-redacting comments. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] | [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) {{Ds|{DELETION IN PROGRESS}}} 04:39, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
* {{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:29, 1 June 2022 (UTC)

== Redirect request ==

Can someone please make [[☭]] redirect to [[communism]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] | [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:14, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
: A redirect from what? ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:56, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|UDScott}} From [[☭]] to [[Communism]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:58, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Ah, I see. However, this symbol is on the list of disallowed page titles. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:00, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|UDScott}} That’s why I’m asking for an admin to do it, it exists on Wikipedia. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:01, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:36, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Sockpuppet investigation ==

I think [[Special:contribs/221.120.208.175|221.120.208.175]] might be a Sockpuppet of [[User:GHOSTWORKER|GHOSTWORKER]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:03, 4 June 2022 (UTC)

{{Ds|No I donot Know him 221.120.208.175}}

: ??? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:41, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Link hijacking ==

Admins, do you check links for hijacking? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:49, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

:E.g.? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:36, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
::Like sending a link to malware or some kind of unauthorized Administrator/Bureaucrat action disguised as something else. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:58, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

&lt;s&gt;Could someone please revdel [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Ilovemydoodle&amp;oldid=3111786 this]?&lt;/s&gt; Edit: Done. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:01, 7 June 2022 (UTC)

== LTA horror decade sock strikes again ==

IP user 2600:387:15:630:0:0:0:8 is a LTA talk page vandal sock. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 01:49, 8 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:56, 8 June 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request (2) ==

Could someone please revdel [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Vandalism_in_progress&amp;diff=prev&amp;oldid=3115216&amp;diffmode=source this]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:38, 10 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:10, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
::Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:25, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request (3) ==

Could someone please revdel [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_Smith&amp;oldid=3110155 this]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:04, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{not done}} Revdel should be reserved for particularly egregious material (doxxing, linking to spam, personal insults) and this edit is not that. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:15, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

== Edit filter ==

{{ping|koavf}} Could you add &quot;VVKLOSER&quot; to the Edit Filter? (it's commonly used by GRP) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:51, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{not done}} {{u|Ferien}} Do you want to do this? You have a filter for this abuser and I think you could incorporate it into that one. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:18, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
::{{u|Koavf}}, yep, I'll take a look at that now, probably not too difficult to do. The filter itself is mainly a copy of simplewiki's as his behaviour is almost identical here. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 19:24, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{done}} --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 19:28, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Well it doesn’t seem to be working: VVKLOSER VVKLOSER VVKLOSER VVKLOSER. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:43, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

== Page protection may be needed ==
[[Bubble Guppies]] is being repeatedly recreated with no quotes, page protection may be needed. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:32, 14 June 2022 (UTC)
:Also the same keeps happening with [[Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!]]. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 00:43, 15 June 2022 (UTC)
::Also with [[Yo Gabba Gabba]]‎ and to a lesser extent [[T.U.F.F. Puppy]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:56, 15 June 2022 (UTC)

== Requested move ==

Can an admin move [[Zork Grand Inquisitor]] to [[Zork: Grand Inquisitor]], over the current redirect? Cheers, [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 17:16, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 00:47, 17 June 2022 (UTC)
::Thank you {{u|UDScott}}. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 05:41, 17 June 2022 (UTC)

== Protected move request ==

Could the pages [[Template:Test4]] and [[Template:Test4im]] be swapped? They seem to be the reverse of what they should be (also to be consistent with Wikipedia). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:02, 21 June 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

Could someone revdel [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User:SHUMBH&amp;oldid=3133965 this] edit summary? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:12, 25 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:11, 25 June 2022 (UTC)

== Archive.is ==

Can we add archive.is to the abuse filter? Or whatever domain they're using now. It is commonly abused by GRP and I see no real use of it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:45, 1 July 2022 (UTC)

== Wow! Wow! Wubbzy! ==
The page [[Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!]] is being repeatedly recreated with no quotes. I think page protection is needed. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 16:22, 5 July 2022 (UTC)
:Already done - my first step was to protect it from IP edits...if it continues, will take further steps. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 16:23, 5 July 2022 (UTC)

::Ok, thank you {{u|UDScott}}. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 16:32, 5 July 2022 (UTC)

== Request for Importer ==

&lt;span style=&quot;position: absolute; visibility: hidden;&quot;&gt;@[[User:Aphaia]] @[[User:BD2412]] @[[User:DannyS712]] @[[User:Ferien]] @[[User:GreenMeansGo]] @[[User:Illegitimate Barrister]] @[[User:Jusjih]] @[[User:Kalki]] @[[User:Koavf]] @[[User:Mdd]] @[[User:Miszatomic]] @[[User:Ningauble]] @[[User:Pmlineditor]] @[[User:UDScott]]
&lt;!-- All users after this line are not admins, just want to be pinged. You, yourself, can be added here, too, just add yourself below this line. --&gt;
@[[User:Ilovemydoodle]]&lt;/span&gt;@$[[Special:ListUsers/sysop|AllAdministrators]]: (pinging because the admins don’t seem to check this page often)

I regularly need to import pages from Wikipedia and other wikis, so I am requesting the &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt; right to make this process much easier, provide better attribution, and to allow the reversal, modification, and viewing of pre-import revisions. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:37, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

:As pointed out on my talk, a bureaucrat will need to actually do this. Have you done importing before? Are you willing to do the cleanup necessary (e.g. when there are redlinks)? Can you give an idea of what you'd want to import, as the content pages from Wikipedia will not always be relevant here (tho some of them would be, as there are articles tagged with quotation sections that should be imported)? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:30, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|koavf}} Yes, I have imported hundreds of templates (properly). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:32, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I cannot recall any other requests for this right in the past - and it appears that this can actually only be done by a steward. Per the [[w:Wikipedia:User_access_levels#Importers_and_transwiki_importers|relevant page on WP]], &quot;This access is highly restricted and is only available for assignment to a limited number of very trusted users by stewards following a special community approval discussion.&quot; I don't think that you wishing to have it to make some tasks easier qualifies. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 22:37, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|UDScott}} I am very confused. The option is available already to admins, so why do I need to be more trusted to get a lower-level user right? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:39, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::I just quoted what I read on the subject (as I had to look into it, having never received such a request before) - take it up with a steward if you have an issue, as it does not appear I could grant it to you even if I wanted to. As to your question - admins already go through a special community approval process in order to become admins. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 22:45, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::{{ping|UDScott}} So, admins can be appointed by bureaucrats, but importers have to be appointed by stewards. If so, then why do you have to go through a far-more thorough appointing process to get a lesser user right? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:48, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I don't see that it is any more thorough than that for admins. In both cases, a community discussion is required, it's just different roles that actually grant the permission after said discussion. I'm also not really inclined to say that importing is really a lesser user right - it could certainly be abused in the wrong hands. I am not saying you would abuse it, but I can see why it is not so easily granted. I do still have some reluctance to grant you additional rights anyway, as I still do not understand all that you are trying to do here, and I still maintain that much of your template work is redundant and wasted and steamrolls existing templates already in use. You demonstrate an impatience that in my mind is not compatible with someone with advanced user rights on the site. By the way, you're asking these questions to me as if I was the author of the cited policies - I am not. And I have no idea why any of this was set up this way (other than to be judicious in granting such rights, as I mentioned already). ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 23:04, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::{{ping|UDScott}} Well, my point is not that is or is not a &quot;lesser right&quot;, but that it is not a greater right. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:16, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

== Report concerning Achim110 ==

{{U|Achim110}} is making some weird edits. On [[Wikidata]], {{GENDER:Achim110|he|she|they}} [[Special:Diff/3125691/3141310|replaced the Wikidata logo with a (nonexistent) Wikinews logo]], with several other nonsensical logo edits in between. Some of their other page creations seem to be random copy+pasted “administrative” wikitext; at [[Keir Graff]], they’ve created a purported block review by [[User:Keir Graff]] (whose user page Achim also created, and who also isn’t blocked on English Wikiquote as far as I can tell). Can someone check what’s going on? [[User:Lucas Werkmeister|Lucas Werkmeister]] ([[User talk:Lucas Werkmeister|talk]]) 14:29, 13 July 2022 (UTC)
: This user has been permanently blocked, and a mass deletion of all pages created by the account performed. ~ &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 15:08, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== Edit war ==

There has been an ongoing edit war on [[Sonic the Hedgehog 2]] on whether &quot;Shadow&quot;'s eyes are orange or red. Can this be sorted out? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:05, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done|Solved}} '''&lt;sup&gt;(Hopefully)&lt;/sup&gt;''' by [[User:Koavf|Koavf]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:14, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Crosswiki spammer ==

On the [[:Education in India]] page, please hide the two edits immediately prior to my edit. They contain a spam link being pushed across numerous wikis. Cheers. ['''[[:User:Cromium|&lt;sub&gt;24&lt;/sub&gt;Cr]]''']['''[[:User talk:Cromium|talk]]'''] 12:40, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:53, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

== Finish a deletion nomination ==

Hello, please could someone add [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Formatting]] to the log page for me? I can't do it as an IP because the page has been protected. Thank you! [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 00:21, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:26, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Thanks a bunch, much appreciated.
::If you get a minute could you also add:
::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:N]]
::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:This]]
::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Vote removed]]
::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Strikethrough templates]]
::to the same page? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:40, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{done}} as well. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 20:24, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Could you please also list these four discussions?:
::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:LTADatabase]]
::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:REDACTED]]
::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Always substitute]]
::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:T]]
::::Thank you. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:12, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Forgot to ping you. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:16, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 23:56, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Could you please add these discussions too?
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Change title]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Longquote]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Ping active users]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Bansock]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Banplz]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Welcome-Formatting]]
::::::Thanks! [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:13, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::{{Done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 15:37, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Another batch, if that's OK:
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:First article]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Sandbox link]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Userspace linking templates]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:SpellCheck]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Db-g12]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Db-copyvio-notice]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Category:Suspected Wikipedia sockpuppets of GR&lt;noinclude/&gt;P]] 
::::::::Thanks! [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:17, 24 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:49, 25 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Thanks a bunch, and thanks for adding some of the discussions I just started.
::::::::::In this edit [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Votes_for_deletion&amp;diff=3146967&amp;oldid=3146966] you seem to have accidentally deleted [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Db-copyvio-notice]] while doing some cleanup, please could you re-add it to the list?
::::::::::Also a few more nominations:
::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Uw-afd5]]
::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Ensure AAA contrast ratio]]
::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Templatesnotice]]
::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Closed and Template:Reopen]]
::::::::::Thanks again! [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:02, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Forgot to ping again. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:44, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

== Broken links in contributions page ==

also, while I'm here, the SUL info link in [[MediaWiki:Sp-contributions-footer]] leads to a deleted tool, and the &quot;supercount&quot; tool has been renamed to xtools and moved to a different domain. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 01:03, 19 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} Thanks. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:28, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
::@[[User:Koavf|Koavf]] Sorry, you seem to have gotten that back to front. The link you removed still works, but it now redirects you to a different site because it was replaced by a new tool. The one that is broken without replacement is the &quot;SUL info&quot; link. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 10:25, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::done}} Whoopsie daisy. Thanks.{ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 10:28, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

== [[User: Eaglestorm]] again ==

This user with a history of being disruptive (just see their [[User talk:Eaglestorm]]) and a permanent block from English WP was recently globally unblocked on a technicality and is back to their [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/Eaglestorm typical antics] of ruthlessly “enforcing” the non-policy, unofficial guideline of [[WQ:LOQ]] via edit warring and being hostile and stubborn when asked to negotiate a solution. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 03:29, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
:here we go. did you even read the stewards report? I'm up to &quot;typical antics&quot; ... YOU'RE PLAIN OBSESSED with taking me down. What nonpolicy are you talking about? The one that's been effective with copyvio for the last 14 years?  --[[User:Eaglestorm|Eaglestorm]] ([[User talk:Eaglestorm|talk]]) 03:33, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
::Yes, you still are being a net negative here. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 03:35, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
::Do you not understand what '''''proposed''''' means here?! [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 03:38, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
:Do you have diffs of edit-warring? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:01, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Dronebogus}} It looks a bit like you saw ES editing, and went around revering their edits across articles, including apparently on a least some article you'd never edited before, meaning you weren't following your watchlist, you were following ES. I guess we can add repeatedly reverting ES on their own talk page.
: So that's not all exactly a pristine position from which to argue about someone else's disruptiveness. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 20:26, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
::I know that, but ES is enforcing a proposed policy in a disruptive manner and is refusing to negotiate even when asked to. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 22:15, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Well, one part inherent in LOQ certainly is policy: that excessively lengthy passages run afoul of copyright. But if you're gonna pick a hill to die on, I'm not sure the right one is ensuring that the article on GAT V includes riveting lines such as &quot;'''Jimmy De Santa''': Go away. '''Michael De Santa''': What?&quot; [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:08, 25 July 2022 (UTC)

== Salt a page title for use in documentation ==

Hello,

I'm planning on re-writing {{tl|redlink}} at some point in the next few days to make the implementation of this template a bit more sensible. As part of that I'd like to set it up so it creates links to a salted page title, rather than a random subpage of the template. Would someone be willing to creation protect a title for this purpose? Something like [[Wikiquote:redlink example]] would work well. I know from experience if you use an unprotected redlink in documentation someone is just going to create the page. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:19, 26 July 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>beicsg9gi5o7v62nf9jm384qyqd1cmy</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147465</id>
      <parentid>3147440</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T16:26:38Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Salt a page title for use in documentation */ done</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="33819" xml:space="preserve">{{/Header}}
{{User:MABot/config
|archive = Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/%(counter)03d
|algo = old(15d)
|counter = 37
|maxarchivesize = 300K
|minthreadsleft = 2
|archiveheader = 
|minthreadstoarchive = 1
}}

== Madman in Bulldozer on Aisle Five ==

[[File:Bauhaus Marionette Nachbau Der-Bucklige-Frontal.jpg|thumb|the bulldozer operator?]]
:For anyone interested, it should be noted that &quot;HouseofChange&quot; is wildly pushing his (or a puppetmaster's?) POV. All the quotes bulldozed wrecklessly in bulk carte blanche, over the past couple of months  were ALL approved by the regular Admins here months ago. They made zero objections to the material and are  known to scrutinize everything posted here without delay. Suddenly a very loudmouthed newcomer arrived on the set, has over-ruled the judgement of the other admins, and is very heroically, loudly,  rescuing the entire project  from the diabolical work of a villain who slipped hundreds of quotations &amp; new pages into the system while the all guards were sound asleep? Really??!!  What a mystery.  Maybe the bulldozer operator and a few others, are working for corrupt elements of the U.S. Government, knuckleheads who hate the truth &amp; love censorhip, coverups and their skills in the art of deception [[Information Warfare Community|&quot;information dominance&quot;]]???? What happened?  Does wikipedia give refunds to extremely disappointed donors??  May fearful people quit being afraid. May everyone feel the peace that passes understanding.  May God help us all!
* It would probably be more helpful if you just dryly told us what the problem was instead of trying to be so supremely colorful. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 18:43, 25 April 2022 (UTC)

: He seems pretty neutral to me. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 02:05, 10 May 2022 (UTC)

: (EC) Nobody has called the sockmaster &quot;diabolical&quot; or a &quot;villain.&quot;  I am new here but I have been [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Contributions/HouseOfChange&amp;dir=prev&amp;target=HouseOfChange active at Wikipedia since 2014]. My edit history is clear and public. And unfortunately for the sockmaster, their combined edit history is also clear and public, although they tried to hide it by caping their views behind multiethnic identities. So LibraryClerk was the same person as GaneshaSis who was the same person as WASPy-sounding WillSeymoreIII. Military-sounding AlphaBravo2022 was the same person as triply-ethnic Alicia-abdula-mcdonald  (she was for a while giving edit summaries in French.) That's deception. And once LibraryClerk got banned but kept right on posting using other accounts, that's abusive sockpuppetry that gets editors blocked, per longtime policy. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 19:07, 25 April 2022 (UTC)
::@[[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]], you say that your &quot; edit history is clear and public&quot;. but when I try to use Xtools to look at your contribution history I see &lt;blockquote&gt;This user has not opted in to have this data shown. Please either login to XTools as this user, or create User:HouseOfChange/EditCounterOptIn.js with any content. See the documentation for more information.&lt;/blockquote&gt; Would you pease allow wikiquotiens to see your contributions on this wiki by simply clicking '''Supercount''' at the bottom of your contributions page? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 14:19, 24 May 2022 (UTC)
::: What is public and plain is [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/HouseOfChange my contribution history]. (I can see yours and everybody else's that way.) I am not sure what privacy rights I'd be giving away by opting into making my edit counts public, so I don't plan to do that unless for some very good reason. I made very few edits to Wikiquote until this year, so it shouldn't be hard for people to analyze.  [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 18:16, 24 May 2022 (UTC)
::::@[[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]]The analysis of your edits through  Xtools on enwp is available for anyone to see. Are you saying that you trust enwp more than you trust enwq? if so, who is it that you trust less on wikiquote:
::::* Readers
::::* Users
::::* Admins
::::* Visitors from other wmf-projects such as Stewards, Global sysops, swmt members, renamers, etc.
::::* anyone else
::::Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 10:50, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

{{outdent}} I am here to help build WikiQuote, not for drama and personal interactions. I am not interested in continuing this discussion, or any other that doesn't directly bear on WikiQuote. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 12:06, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

:@[[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]], so am I. I  posted my question above because I believe it is very relevant to the health of Wikiquote. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:49, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

:: I disagree, and I have no intention of 1) changing my settings or 2) replying to your dramatic speculation about what my motivations might be. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 13:37, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

== Merge ip edits to user account ==

I have been editing under the ip range of [[Special:Contributions/2603:7080:da3c:7a33::/64|2603:7080:da3c:7a33::/64]], I would like this to be merged to the user account [[User:ilovemydoodle|ilovemydoodle]], Is this possible and if so, can it be done?
{{Collapse bottom}}

== &quot;LibraryClerk&quot; editing from IP ==

This IP is clearly a new sock of &quot;LibraryClerk&quot;: https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/24.42.166.244

Could some admin please block this new sock that is evading LibraryClerk's block? Otherwise Wikiquote will continue to get edits such as [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Corruption&amp;diff=prev&amp;oldid=3118813 this major POV push]. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 07:33, 30 May 2022 (UTC)
* I don't see that this account is registered on any project. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:35, 30 May 2022 (UTC)
** {{re|GreenMeansGo}} I should have given the full name,  [[Special:Contributions/Libraryclerk0191]]. I don't have a link to the  sockpuppet investigation but the aftermath was discussed [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard/Archive/037#Comparison_of_privacy_protection_between_Wikiquote_(WQ)_and_the_English_Wikipedia_(ENWP) here]. Apparently {{u|Vermont}} did a checkuser, because it looked as if LC191 was continuing to edit from other usernames.  Then {{u|Ferien}} blocked LC191's sock accounts identified from the sock check, IIUC. Please somebody block this IP who is CLEARLY the same person, from creating new clean-up problems. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 11:37, 30 May 2022 (UTC)
* {{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:31, 31 May 2022 (UTC)

== Account deletion ==

I have decided to not delete my account, I would like my User Page undeleted, I will be un-redacting comments. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] | [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) {{Ds|{DELETION IN PROGRESS}}} 04:39, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
* {{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:29, 1 June 2022 (UTC)

== Redirect request ==

Can someone please make [[☭]] redirect to [[communism]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] | [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:14, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
: A redirect from what? ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:56, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|UDScott}} From [[☭]] to [[Communism]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:58, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Ah, I see. However, this symbol is on the list of disallowed page titles. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:00, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|UDScott}} That’s why I’m asking for an admin to do it, it exists on Wikipedia. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:01, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:36, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Sockpuppet investigation ==

I think [[Special:contribs/221.120.208.175|221.120.208.175]] might be a Sockpuppet of [[User:GHOSTWORKER|GHOSTWORKER]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:03, 4 June 2022 (UTC)

{{Ds|No I donot Know him 221.120.208.175}}

: ??? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:41, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Link hijacking ==

Admins, do you check links for hijacking? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:49, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

:E.g.? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:36, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
::Like sending a link to malware or some kind of unauthorized Administrator/Bureaucrat action disguised as something else. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:58, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

&lt;s&gt;Could someone please revdel [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Ilovemydoodle&amp;oldid=3111786 this]?&lt;/s&gt; Edit: Done. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:01, 7 June 2022 (UTC)

== LTA horror decade sock strikes again ==

IP user 2600:387:15:630:0:0:0:8 is a LTA talk page vandal sock. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 01:49, 8 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:56, 8 June 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request (2) ==

Could someone please revdel [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Vandalism_in_progress&amp;diff=prev&amp;oldid=3115216&amp;diffmode=source this]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:38, 10 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:10, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
::Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:25, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request (3) ==

Could someone please revdel [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_Smith&amp;oldid=3110155 this]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:04, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{not done}} Revdel should be reserved for particularly egregious material (doxxing, linking to spam, personal insults) and this edit is not that. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:15, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

== Edit filter ==

{{ping|koavf}} Could you add &quot;VVKLOSER&quot; to the Edit Filter? (it's commonly used by GRP) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:51, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{not done}} {{u|Ferien}} Do you want to do this? You have a filter for this abuser and I think you could incorporate it into that one. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:18, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
::{{u|Koavf}}, yep, I'll take a look at that now, probably not too difficult to do. The filter itself is mainly a copy of simplewiki's as his behaviour is almost identical here. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 19:24, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{done}} --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 19:28, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Well it doesn’t seem to be working: VVKLOSER VVKLOSER VVKLOSER VVKLOSER. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:43, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

== Page protection may be needed ==
[[Bubble Guppies]] is being repeatedly recreated with no quotes, page protection may be needed. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:32, 14 June 2022 (UTC)
:Also the same keeps happening with [[Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!]]. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 00:43, 15 June 2022 (UTC)
::Also with [[Yo Gabba Gabba]]‎ and to a lesser extent [[T.U.F.F. Puppy]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:56, 15 June 2022 (UTC)

== Requested move ==

Can an admin move [[Zork Grand Inquisitor]] to [[Zork: Grand Inquisitor]], over the current redirect? Cheers, [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 17:16, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 00:47, 17 June 2022 (UTC)
::Thank you {{u|UDScott}}. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 05:41, 17 June 2022 (UTC)

== Protected move request ==

Could the pages [[Template:Test4]] and [[Template:Test4im]] be swapped? They seem to be the reverse of what they should be (also to be consistent with Wikipedia). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:02, 21 June 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

Could someone revdel [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User:SHUMBH&amp;oldid=3133965 this] edit summary? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:12, 25 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:11, 25 June 2022 (UTC)

== Archive.is ==

Can we add archive.is to the abuse filter? Or whatever domain they're using now. It is commonly abused by GRP and I see no real use of it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:45, 1 July 2022 (UTC)

== Wow! Wow! Wubbzy! ==
The page [[Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!]] is being repeatedly recreated with no quotes. I think page protection is needed. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 16:22, 5 July 2022 (UTC)
:Already done - my first step was to protect it from IP edits...if it continues, will take further steps. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 16:23, 5 July 2022 (UTC)

::Ok, thank you {{u|UDScott}}. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 16:32, 5 July 2022 (UTC)

== Request for Importer ==

&lt;span style=&quot;position: absolute; visibility: hidden;&quot;&gt;@[[User:Aphaia]] @[[User:BD2412]] @[[User:DannyS712]] @[[User:Ferien]] @[[User:GreenMeansGo]] @[[User:Illegitimate Barrister]] @[[User:Jusjih]] @[[User:Kalki]] @[[User:Koavf]] @[[User:Mdd]] @[[User:Miszatomic]] @[[User:Ningauble]] @[[User:Pmlineditor]] @[[User:UDScott]]
&lt;!-- All users after this line are not admins, just want to be pinged. You, yourself, can be added here, too, just add yourself below this line. --&gt;
@[[User:Ilovemydoodle]]&lt;/span&gt;@$[[Special:ListUsers/sysop|AllAdministrators]]: (pinging because the admins don’t seem to check this page often)

I regularly need to import pages from Wikipedia and other wikis, so I am requesting the &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt; right to make this process much easier, provide better attribution, and to allow the reversal, modification, and viewing of pre-import revisions. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:37, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

:As pointed out on my talk, a bureaucrat will need to actually do this. Have you done importing before? Are you willing to do the cleanup necessary (e.g. when there are redlinks)? Can you give an idea of what you'd want to import, as the content pages from Wikipedia will not always be relevant here (tho some of them would be, as there are articles tagged with quotation sections that should be imported)? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:30, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|koavf}} Yes, I have imported hundreds of templates (properly). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:32, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I cannot recall any other requests for this right in the past - and it appears that this can actually only be done by a steward. Per the [[w:Wikipedia:User_access_levels#Importers_and_transwiki_importers|relevant page on WP]], &quot;This access is highly restricted and is only available for assignment to a limited number of very trusted users by stewards following a special community approval discussion.&quot; I don't think that you wishing to have it to make some tasks easier qualifies. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 22:37, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|UDScott}} I am very confused. The option is available already to admins, so why do I need to be more trusted to get a lower-level user right? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:39, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::I just quoted what I read on the subject (as I had to look into it, having never received such a request before) - take it up with a steward if you have an issue, as it does not appear I could grant it to you even if I wanted to. As to your question - admins already go through a special community approval process in order to become admins. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 22:45, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::{{ping|UDScott}} So, admins can be appointed by bureaucrats, but importers have to be appointed by stewards. If so, then why do you have to go through a far-more thorough appointing process to get a lesser user right? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:48, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I don't see that it is any more thorough than that for admins. In both cases, a community discussion is required, it's just different roles that actually grant the permission after said discussion. I'm also not really inclined to say that importing is really a lesser user right - it could certainly be abused in the wrong hands. I am not saying you would abuse it, but I can see why it is not so easily granted. I do still have some reluctance to grant you additional rights anyway, as I still do not understand all that you are trying to do here, and I still maintain that much of your template work is redundant and wasted and steamrolls existing templates already in use. You demonstrate an impatience that in my mind is not compatible with someone with advanced user rights on the site. By the way, you're asking these questions to me as if I was the author of the cited policies - I am not. And I have no idea why any of this was set up this way (other than to be judicious in granting such rights, as I mentioned already). ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 23:04, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::{{ping|UDScott}} Well, my point is not that is or is not a &quot;lesser right&quot;, but that it is not a greater right. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:16, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

== Report concerning Achim110 ==

{{U|Achim110}} is making some weird edits. On [[Wikidata]], {{GENDER:Achim110|he|she|they}} [[Special:Diff/3125691/3141310|replaced the Wikidata logo with a (nonexistent) Wikinews logo]], with several other nonsensical logo edits in between. Some of their other page creations seem to be random copy+pasted “administrative” wikitext; at [[Keir Graff]], they’ve created a purported block review by [[User:Keir Graff]] (whose user page Achim also created, and who also isn’t blocked on English Wikiquote as far as I can tell). Can someone check what’s going on? [[User:Lucas Werkmeister|Lucas Werkmeister]] ([[User talk:Lucas Werkmeister|talk]]) 14:29, 13 July 2022 (UTC)
: This user has been permanently blocked, and a mass deletion of all pages created by the account performed. ~ &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 15:08, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== Edit war ==

There has been an ongoing edit war on [[Sonic the Hedgehog 2]] on whether &quot;Shadow&quot;'s eyes are orange or red. Can this be sorted out? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:05, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done|Solved}} '''&lt;sup&gt;(Hopefully)&lt;/sup&gt;''' by [[User:Koavf|Koavf]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:14, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Crosswiki spammer ==

On the [[:Education in India]] page, please hide the two edits immediately prior to my edit. They contain a spam link being pushed across numerous wikis. Cheers. ['''[[:User:Cromium|&lt;sub&gt;24&lt;/sub&gt;Cr]]''']['''[[:User talk:Cromium|talk]]'''] 12:40, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:53, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

== Finish a deletion nomination ==

Hello, please could someone add [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Formatting]] to the log page for me? I can't do it as an IP because the page has been protected. Thank you! [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 00:21, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:26, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Thanks a bunch, much appreciated.
::If you get a minute could you also add:
::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:N]]
::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:This]]
::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Vote removed]]
::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Strikethrough templates]]
::to the same page? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:40, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{done}} as well. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 20:24, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Could you please also list these four discussions?:
::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:LTADatabase]]
::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:REDACTED]]
::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Always substitute]]
::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:T]]
::::Thank you. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:12, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Forgot to ping you. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:16, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 23:56, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Could you please add these discussions too?
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Change title]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Longquote]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Ping active users]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Bansock]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Banplz]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Welcome-Formatting]]
::::::Thanks! [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:13, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::{{Done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 15:37, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Another batch, if that's OK:
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:First article]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Sandbox link]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Userspace linking templates]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:SpellCheck]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Db-g12]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Db-copyvio-notice]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Category:Suspected Wikipedia sockpuppets of GR&lt;noinclude/&gt;P]] 
::::::::Thanks! [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:17, 24 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:49, 25 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Thanks a bunch, and thanks for adding some of the discussions I just started.
::::::::::In this edit [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Votes_for_deletion&amp;diff=3146967&amp;oldid=3146966] you seem to have accidentally deleted [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Db-copyvio-notice]] while doing some cleanup, please could you re-add it to the list?
::::::::::Also a few more nominations:
::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Uw-afd5]]
::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Ensure AAA contrast ratio]]
::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Templatesnotice]]
::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Closed and Template:Reopen]]
::::::::::Thanks again! [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:02, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Forgot to ping again. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:44, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

== Broken links in contributions page ==

also, while I'm here, the SUL info link in [[MediaWiki:Sp-contributions-footer]] leads to a deleted tool, and the &quot;supercount&quot; tool has been renamed to xtools and moved to a different domain. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 01:03, 19 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} Thanks. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:28, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
::@[[User:Koavf|Koavf]] Sorry, you seem to have gotten that back to front. The link you removed still works, but it now redirects you to a different site because it was replaced by a new tool. The one that is broken without replacement is the &quot;SUL info&quot; link. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 10:25, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::done}} Whoopsie daisy. Thanks.{ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 10:28, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

== [[User: Eaglestorm]] again ==

This user with a history of being disruptive (just see their [[User talk:Eaglestorm]]) and a permanent block from English WP was recently globally unblocked on a technicality and is back to their [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/Eaglestorm typical antics] of ruthlessly “enforcing” the non-policy, unofficial guideline of [[WQ:LOQ]] via edit warring and being hostile and stubborn when asked to negotiate a solution. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 03:29, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
:here we go. did you even read the stewards report? I'm up to &quot;typical antics&quot; ... YOU'RE PLAIN OBSESSED with taking me down. What nonpolicy are you talking about? The one that's been effective with copyvio for the last 14 years?  --[[User:Eaglestorm|Eaglestorm]] ([[User talk:Eaglestorm|talk]]) 03:33, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
::Yes, you still are being a net negative here. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 03:35, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
::Do you not understand what '''''proposed''''' means here?! [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 03:38, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
:Do you have diffs of edit-warring? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:01, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Dronebogus}} It looks a bit like you saw ES editing, and went around revering their edits across articles, including apparently on a least some article you'd never edited before, meaning you weren't following your watchlist, you were following ES. I guess we can add repeatedly reverting ES on their own talk page.
: So that's not all exactly a pristine position from which to argue about someone else's disruptiveness. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 20:26, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
::I know that, but ES is enforcing a proposed policy in a disruptive manner and is refusing to negotiate even when asked to. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 22:15, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Well, one part inherent in LOQ certainly is policy: that excessively lengthy passages run afoul of copyright. But if you're gonna pick a hill to die on, I'm not sure the right one is ensuring that the article on GAT V includes riveting lines such as &quot;'''Jimmy De Santa''': Go away. '''Michael De Santa''': What?&quot; [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:08, 25 July 2022 (UTC)

== Salt a page title for use in documentation ==

Hello,

I'm planning on re-writing {{tl|redlink}} at some point in the next few days to make the implementation of this template a bit more sensible. As part of that I'd like to set it up so it creates links to a salted page title, rather than a random subpage of the template. Would someone be willing to creation protect a title for this purpose? Something like [[Wikiquote:redlink example]] would work well. I know from experience if you use an unprotected redlink in documentation someone is just going to create the page. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:19, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
* {{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:26, 26 July 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>6y1rezogymjh7iyq3ngga4rsixh7gea</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147617</id>
      <parentid>3147465</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T18:31:09Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Request to move some templates */ new section</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="34978" xml:space="preserve">{{/Header}}
{{User:MABot/config
|archive = Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/%(counter)03d
|algo = old(15d)
|counter = 37
|maxarchivesize = 300K
|minthreadsleft = 2
|archiveheader = 
|minthreadstoarchive = 1
}}

== Madman in Bulldozer on Aisle Five ==

[[File:Bauhaus Marionette Nachbau Der-Bucklige-Frontal.jpg|thumb|the bulldozer operator?]]
:For anyone interested, it should be noted that &quot;HouseofChange&quot; is wildly pushing his (or a puppetmaster's?) POV. All the quotes bulldozed wrecklessly in bulk carte blanche, over the past couple of months  were ALL approved by the regular Admins here months ago. They made zero objections to the material and are  known to scrutinize everything posted here without delay. Suddenly a very loudmouthed newcomer arrived on the set, has over-ruled the judgement of the other admins, and is very heroically, loudly,  rescuing the entire project  from the diabolical work of a villain who slipped hundreds of quotations &amp; new pages into the system while the all guards were sound asleep? Really??!!  What a mystery.  Maybe the bulldozer operator and a few others, are working for corrupt elements of the U.S. Government, knuckleheads who hate the truth &amp; love censorhip, coverups and their skills in the art of deception [[Information Warfare Community|&quot;information dominance&quot;]]???? What happened?  Does wikipedia give refunds to extremely disappointed donors??  May fearful people quit being afraid. May everyone feel the peace that passes understanding.  May God help us all!
* It would probably be more helpful if you just dryly told us what the problem was instead of trying to be so supremely colorful. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 18:43, 25 April 2022 (UTC)

: He seems pretty neutral to me. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 02:05, 10 May 2022 (UTC)

: (EC) Nobody has called the sockmaster &quot;diabolical&quot; or a &quot;villain.&quot;  I am new here but I have been [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Contributions/HouseOfChange&amp;dir=prev&amp;target=HouseOfChange active at Wikipedia since 2014]. My edit history is clear and public. And unfortunately for the sockmaster, their combined edit history is also clear and public, although they tried to hide it by caping their views behind multiethnic identities. So LibraryClerk was the same person as GaneshaSis who was the same person as WASPy-sounding WillSeymoreIII. Military-sounding AlphaBravo2022 was the same person as triply-ethnic Alicia-abdula-mcdonald  (she was for a while giving edit summaries in French.) That's deception. And once LibraryClerk got banned but kept right on posting using other accounts, that's abusive sockpuppetry that gets editors blocked, per longtime policy. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 19:07, 25 April 2022 (UTC)
::@[[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]], you say that your &quot; edit history is clear and public&quot;. but when I try to use Xtools to look at your contribution history I see &lt;blockquote&gt;This user has not opted in to have this data shown. Please either login to XTools as this user, or create User:HouseOfChange/EditCounterOptIn.js with any content. See the documentation for more information.&lt;/blockquote&gt; Would you pease allow wikiquotiens to see your contributions on this wiki by simply clicking '''Supercount''' at the bottom of your contributions page? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 14:19, 24 May 2022 (UTC)
::: What is public and plain is [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/HouseOfChange my contribution history]. (I can see yours and everybody else's that way.) I am not sure what privacy rights I'd be giving away by opting into making my edit counts public, so I don't plan to do that unless for some very good reason. I made very few edits to Wikiquote until this year, so it shouldn't be hard for people to analyze.  [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 18:16, 24 May 2022 (UTC)
::::@[[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]]The analysis of your edits through  Xtools on enwp is available for anyone to see. Are you saying that you trust enwp more than you trust enwq? if so, who is it that you trust less on wikiquote:
::::* Readers
::::* Users
::::* Admins
::::* Visitors from other wmf-projects such as Stewards, Global sysops, swmt members, renamers, etc.
::::* anyone else
::::Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 10:50, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

{{outdent}} I am here to help build WikiQuote, not for drama and personal interactions. I am not interested in continuing this discussion, or any other that doesn't directly bear on WikiQuote. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 12:06, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

:@[[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]], so am I. I  posted my question above because I believe it is very relevant to the health of Wikiquote. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:49, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

:: I disagree, and I have no intention of 1) changing my settings or 2) replying to your dramatic speculation about what my motivations might be. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 13:37, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

== Merge ip edits to user account ==

I have been editing under the ip range of [[Special:Contributions/2603:7080:da3c:7a33::/64|2603:7080:da3c:7a33::/64]], I would like this to be merged to the user account [[User:ilovemydoodle|ilovemydoodle]], Is this possible and if so, can it be done?
{{Collapse bottom}}

== &quot;LibraryClerk&quot; editing from IP ==

This IP is clearly a new sock of &quot;LibraryClerk&quot;: https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/24.42.166.244

Could some admin please block this new sock that is evading LibraryClerk's block? Otherwise Wikiquote will continue to get edits such as [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Corruption&amp;diff=prev&amp;oldid=3118813 this major POV push]. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 07:33, 30 May 2022 (UTC)
* I don't see that this account is registered on any project. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:35, 30 May 2022 (UTC)
** {{re|GreenMeansGo}} I should have given the full name,  [[Special:Contributions/Libraryclerk0191]]. I don't have a link to the  sockpuppet investigation but the aftermath was discussed [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard/Archive/037#Comparison_of_privacy_protection_between_Wikiquote_(WQ)_and_the_English_Wikipedia_(ENWP) here]. Apparently {{u|Vermont}} did a checkuser, because it looked as if LC191 was continuing to edit from other usernames.  Then {{u|Ferien}} blocked LC191's sock accounts identified from the sock check, IIUC. Please somebody block this IP who is CLEARLY the same person, from creating new clean-up problems. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 11:37, 30 May 2022 (UTC)
* {{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:31, 31 May 2022 (UTC)

== Account deletion ==

I have decided to not delete my account, I would like my User Page undeleted, I will be un-redacting comments. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] | [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) {{Ds|{DELETION IN PROGRESS}}} 04:39, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
* {{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:29, 1 June 2022 (UTC)

== Redirect request ==

Can someone please make [[☭]] redirect to [[communism]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] | [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:14, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
: A redirect from what? ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:56, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|UDScott}} From [[☭]] to [[Communism]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:58, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Ah, I see. However, this symbol is on the list of disallowed page titles. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:00, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|UDScott}} That’s why I’m asking for an admin to do it, it exists on Wikipedia. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:01, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:36, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Sockpuppet investigation ==

I think [[Special:contribs/221.120.208.175|221.120.208.175]] might be a Sockpuppet of [[User:GHOSTWORKER|GHOSTWORKER]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:03, 4 June 2022 (UTC)

{{Ds|No I donot Know him 221.120.208.175}}

: ??? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:41, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Link hijacking ==

Admins, do you check links for hijacking? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:49, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

:E.g.? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:36, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
::Like sending a link to malware or some kind of unauthorized Administrator/Bureaucrat action disguised as something else. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:58, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

&lt;s&gt;Could someone please revdel [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Ilovemydoodle&amp;oldid=3111786 this]?&lt;/s&gt; Edit: Done. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:01, 7 June 2022 (UTC)

== LTA horror decade sock strikes again ==

IP user 2600:387:15:630:0:0:0:8 is a LTA talk page vandal sock. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 01:49, 8 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:56, 8 June 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request (2) ==

Could someone please revdel [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Vandalism_in_progress&amp;diff=prev&amp;oldid=3115216&amp;diffmode=source this]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:38, 10 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:10, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
::Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:25, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request (3) ==

Could someone please revdel [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_Smith&amp;oldid=3110155 this]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:04, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{not done}} Revdel should be reserved for particularly egregious material (doxxing, linking to spam, personal insults) and this edit is not that. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:15, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

== Edit filter ==

{{ping|koavf}} Could you add &quot;VVKLOSER&quot; to the Edit Filter? (it's commonly used by GRP) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:51, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{not done}} {{u|Ferien}} Do you want to do this? You have a filter for this abuser and I think you could incorporate it into that one. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:18, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
::{{u|Koavf}}, yep, I'll take a look at that now, probably not too difficult to do. The filter itself is mainly a copy of simplewiki's as his behaviour is almost identical here. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 19:24, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{done}} --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 19:28, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Well it doesn’t seem to be working: VVKLOSER VVKLOSER VVKLOSER VVKLOSER. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:43, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

== Page protection may be needed ==
[[Bubble Guppies]] is being repeatedly recreated with no quotes, page protection may be needed. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:32, 14 June 2022 (UTC)
:Also the same keeps happening with [[Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!]]. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 00:43, 15 June 2022 (UTC)
::Also with [[Yo Gabba Gabba]]‎ and to a lesser extent [[T.U.F.F. Puppy]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:56, 15 June 2022 (UTC)

== Requested move ==

Can an admin move [[Zork Grand Inquisitor]] to [[Zork: Grand Inquisitor]], over the current redirect? Cheers, [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 17:16, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 00:47, 17 June 2022 (UTC)
::Thank you {{u|UDScott}}. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 05:41, 17 June 2022 (UTC)

== Protected move request ==

Could the pages [[Template:Test4]] and [[Template:Test4im]] be swapped? They seem to be the reverse of what they should be (also to be consistent with Wikipedia). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:02, 21 June 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

Could someone revdel [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User:SHUMBH&amp;oldid=3133965 this] edit summary? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:12, 25 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:11, 25 June 2022 (UTC)

== Archive.is ==

Can we add archive.is to the abuse filter? Or whatever domain they're using now. It is commonly abused by GRP and I see no real use of it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:45, 1 July 2022 (UTC)

== Wow! Wow! Wubbzy! ==
The page [[Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!]] is being repeatedly recreated with no quotes. I think page protection is needed. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 16:22, 5 July 2022 (UTC)
:Already done - my first step was to protect it from IP edits...if it continues, will take further steps. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 16:23, 5 July 2022 (UTC)

::Ok, thank you {{u|UDScott}}. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 16:32, 5 July 2022 (UTC)

== Request for Importer ==

&lt;span style=&quot;position: absolute; visibility: hidden;&quot;&gt;@[[User:Aphaia]] @[[User:BD2412]] @[[User:DannyS712]] @[[User:Ferien]] @[[User:GreenMeansGo]] @[[User:Illegitimate Barrister]] @[[User:Jusjih]] @[[User:Kalki]] @[[User:Koavf]] @[[User:Mdd]] @[[User:Miszatomic]] @[[User:Ningauble]] @[[User:Pmlineditor]] @[[User:UDScott]]
&lt;!-- All users after this line are not admins, just want to be pinged. You, yourself, can be added here, too, just add yourself below this line. --&gt;
@[[User:Ilovemydoodle]]&lt;/span&gt;@$[[Special:ListUsers/sysop|AllAdministrators]]: (pinging because the admins don’t seem to check this page often)

I regularly need to import pages from Wikipedia and other wikis, so I am requesting the &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt; right to make this process much easier, provide better attribution, and to allow the reversal, modification, and viewing of pre-import revisions. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:37, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

:As pointed out on my talk, a bureaucrat will need to actually do this. Have you done importing before? Are you willing to do the cleanup necessary (e.g. when there are redlinks)? Can you give an idea of what you'd want to import, as the content pages from Wikipedia will not always be relevant here (tho some of them would be, as there are articles tagged with quotation sections that should be imported)? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:30, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|koavf}} Yes, I have imported hundreds of templates (properly). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:32, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I cannot recall any other requests for this right in the past - and it appears that this can actually only be done by a steward. Per the [[w:Wikipedia:User_access_levels#Importers_and_transwiki_importers|relevant page on WP]], &quot;This access is highly restricted and is only available for assignment to a limited number of very trusted users by stewards following a special community approval discussion.&quot; I don't think that you wishing to have it to make some tasks easier qualifies. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 22:37, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|UDScott}} I am very confused. The option is available already to admins, so why do I need to be more trusted to get a lower-level user right? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:39, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::I just quoted what I read on the subject (as I had to look into it, having never received such a request before) - take it up with a steward if you have an issue, as it does not appear I could grant it to you even if I wanted to. As to your question - admins already go through a special community approval process in order to become admins. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 22:45, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::{{ping|UDScott}} So, admins can be appointed by bureaucrats, but importers have to be appointed by stewards. If so, then why do you have to go through a far-more thorough appointing process to get a lesser user right? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:48, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I don't see that it is any more thorough than that for admins. In both cases, a community discussion is required, it's just different roles that actually grant the permission after said discussion. I'm also not really inclined to say that importing is really a lesser user right - it could certainly be abused in the wrong hands. I am not saying you would abuse it, but I can see why it is not so easily granted. I do still have some reluctance to grant you additional rights anyway, as I still do not understand all that you are trying to do here, and I still maintain that much of your template work is redundant and wasted and steamrolls existing templates already in use. You demonstrate an impatience that in my mind is not compatible with someone with advanced user rights on the site. By the way, you're asking these questions to me as if I was the author of the cited policies - I am not. And I have no idea why any of this was set up this way (other than to be judicious in granting such rights, as I mentioned already). ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 23:04, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::{{ping|UDScott}} Well, my point is not that is or is not a &quot;lesser right&quot;, but that it is not a greater right. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:16, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

== Report concerning Achim110 ==

{{U|Achim110}} is making some weird edits. On [[Wikidata]], {{GENDER:Achim110|he|she|they}} [[Special:Diff/3125691/3141310|replaced the Wikidata logo with a (nonexistent) Wikinews logo]], with several other nonsensical logo edits in between. Some of their other page creations seem to be random copy+pasted “administrative” wikitext; at [[Keir Graff]], they’ve created a purported block review by [[User:Keir Graff]] (whose user page Achim also created, and who also isn’t blocked on English Wikiquote as far as I can tell). Can someone check what’s going on? [[User:Lucas Werkmeister|Lucas Werkmeister]] ([[User talk:Lucas Werkmeister|talk]]) 14:29, 13 July 2022 (UTC)
: This user has been permanently blocked, and a mass deletion of all pages created by the account performed. ~ &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 15:08, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== Edit war ==

There has been an ongoing edit war on [[Sonic the Hedgehog 2]] on whether &quot;Shadow&quot;'s eyes are orange or red. Can this be sorted out? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:05, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done|Solved}} '''&lt;sup&gt;(Hopefully)&lt;/sup&gt;''' by [[User:Koavf|Koavf]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:14, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Crosswiki spammer ==

On the [[:Education in India]] page, please hide the two edits immediately prior to my edit. They contain a spam link being pushed across numerous wikis. Cheers. ['''[[:User:Cromium|&lt;sub&gt;24&lt;/sub&gt;Cr]]''']['''[[:User talk:Cromium|talk]]'''] 12:40, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:53, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

== Finish a deletion nomination ==

Hello, please could someone add [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Formatting]] to the log page for me? I can't do it as an IP because the page has been protected. Thank you! [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 00:21, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:26, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Thanks a bunch, much appreciated.
::If you get a minute could you also add:
::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:N]]
::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:This]]
::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Vote removed]]
::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Strikethrough templates]]
::to the same page? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:40, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{done}} as well. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 20:24, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Could you please also list these four discussions?:
::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:LTADatabase]]
::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:REDACTED]]
::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Always substitute]]
::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:T]]
::::Thank you. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:12, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Forgot to ping you. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:16, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 23:56, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Could you please add these discussions too?
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Change title]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Longquote]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Ping active users]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Bansock]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Banplz]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Welcome-Formatting]]
::::::Thanks! [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:13, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::{{Done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 15:37, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Another batch, if that's OK:
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:First article]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Sandbox link]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Userspace linking templates]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:SpellCheck]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Db-g12]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Db-copyvio-notice]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Category:Suspected Wikipedia sockpuppets of GR&lt;noinclude/&gt;P]] 
::::::::Thanks! [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:17, 24 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:49, 25 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Thanks a bunch, and thanks for adding some of the discussions I just started.
::::::::::In this edit [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Votes_for_deletion&amp;diff=3146967&amp;oldid=3146966] you seem to have accidentally deleted [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Db-copyvio-notice]] while doing some cleanup, please could you re-add it to the list?
::::::::::Also a few more nominations:
::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Uw-afd5]]
::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Ensure AAA contrast ratio]]
::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Templatesnotice]]
::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Closed and Template:Reopen]]
::::::::::Thanks again! [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:02, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Forgot to ping again. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:44, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

== Broken links in contributions page ==

also, while I'm here, the SUL info link in [[MediaWiki:Sp-contributions-footer]] leads to a deleted tool, and the &quot;supercount&quot; tool has been renamed to xtools and moved to a different domain. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 01:03, 19 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} Thanks. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:28, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
::@[[User:Koavf|Koavf]] Sorry, you seem to have gotten that back to front. The link you removed still works, but it now redirects you to a different site because it was replaced by a new tool. The one that is broken without replacement is the &quot;SUL info&quot; link. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 10:25, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::done}} Whoopsie daisy. Thanks.{ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 10:28, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

== [[User: Eaglestorm]] again ==

This user with a history of being disruptive (just see their [[User talk:Eaglestorm]]) and a permanent block from English WP was recently globally unblocked on a technicality and is back to their [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/Eaglestorm typical antics] of ruthlessly “enforcing” the non-policy, unofficial guideline of [[WQ:LOQ]] via edit warring and being hostile and stubborn when asked to negotiate a solution. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 03:29, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
:here we go. did you even read the stewards report? I'm up to &quot;typical antics&quot; ... YOU'RE PLAIN OBSESSED with taking me down. What nonpolicy are you talking about? The one that's been effective with copyvio for the last 14 years?  --[[User:Eaglestorm|Eaglestorm]] ([[User talk:Eaglestorm|talk]]) 03:33, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
::Yes, you still are being a net negative here. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 03:35, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
::Do you not understand what '''''proposed''''' means here?! [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 03:38, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
:Do you have diffs of edit-warring? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:01, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Dronebogus}} It looks a bit like you saw ES editing, and went around revering their edits across articles, including apparently on a least some article you'd never edited before, meaning you weren't following your watchlist, you were following ES. I guess we can add repeatedly reverting ES on their own talk page.
: So that's not all exactly a pristine position from which to argue about someone else's disruptiveness. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 20:26, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
::I know that, but ES is enforcing a proposed policy in a disruptive manner and is refusing to negotiate even when asked to. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 22:15, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Well, one part inherent in LOQ certainly is policy: that excessively lengthy passages run afoul of copyright. But if you're gonna pick a hill to die on, I'm not sure the right one is ensuring that the article on GAT V includes riveting lines such as &quot;'''Jimmy De Santa''': Go away. '''Michael De Santa''': What?&quot; [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:08, 25 July 2022 (UTC)

== Salt a page title for use in documentation ==

Hello,

I'm planning on re-writing {{tl|redlink}} at some point in the next few days to make the implementation of this template a bit more sensible. As part of that I'd like to set it up so it creates links to a salted page title, rather than a random subpage of the template. Would someone be willing to creation protect a title for this purpose? Something like [[Wikiquote:redlink example]] would work well. I know from experience if you use an unprotected redlink in documentation someone is just going to create the page. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:19, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
* {{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:26, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

== Request to move some templates ==

Hello, I'm working through some template clean-up and have found some pages that I think should be moved. In addition can whoever moves them delete or supress any resulting redirects, as they will not be helpful.

Firstly, can someone please remove the admin level protection from [[Template:error]] and move [[Template:error2]] to this title? There's no real reason for this template to have a number in its title except to get around the page salting (which seems to have been a bit of an overkill response for a single piece of IP vandalism).

Secondly can someone make the following moves, deleting any redirects:
*{{tl|Template:Uw-afd2}} → {{tl|Template:Uw-vfd2}}
*{{tl|Template:Uw-afd3}} → {{tl|Template:Uw-vfd3}}
*{{tl|Template:Uw-afd4}} → {{tl|Template:Uw-vfd4}}
Because there is no such thing as &quot;articles for deletion&quot; on this project. There are no current usages of these templates, so no real need to leave a redirect. I cleaned up the text of these templates a few days ago, but the title still needs to be changed.

Thanks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:31, 26 July 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>5sej0b0hty8moj0e6xih0c7xaba16nf</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147630</id>
      <parentid>3147617</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T18:42:20Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Finish a deletion nomination */ Done</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="35125" xml:space="preserve">{{/Header}}
{{User:MABot/config
|archive = Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/%(counter)03d
|algo = old(15d)
|counter = 37
|maxarchivesize = 300K
|minthreadsleft = 2
|archiveheader = 
|minthreadstoarchive = 1
}}

== Madman in Bulldozer on Aisle Five ==

[[File:Bauhaus Marionette Nachbau Der-Bucklige-Frontal.jpg|thumb|the bulldozer operator?]]
:For anyone interested, it should be noted that &quot;HouseofChange&quot; is wildly pushing his (or a puppetmaster's?) POV. All the quotes bulldozed wrecklessly in bulk carte blanche, over the past couple of months  were ALL approved by the regular Admins here months ago. They made zero objections to the material and are  known to scrutinize everything posted here without delay. Suddenly a very loudmouthed newcomer arrived on the set, has over-ruled the judgement of the other admins, and is very heroically, loudly,  rescuing the entire project  from the diabolical work of a villain who slipped hundreds of quotations &amp; new pages into the system while the all guards were sound asleep? Really??!!  What a mystery.  Maybe the bulldozer operator and a few others, are working for corrupt elements of the U.S. Government, knuckleheads who hate the truth &amp; love censorhip, coverups and their skills in the art of deception [[Information Warfare Community|&quot;information dominance&quot;]]???? What happened?  Does wikipedia give refunds to extremely disappointed donors??  May fearful people quit being afraid. May everyone feel the peace that passes understanding.  May God help us all!
* It would probably be more helpful if you just dryly told us what the problem was instead of trying to be so supremely colorful. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 18:43, 25 April 2022 (UTC)

: He seems pretty neutral to me. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 02:05, 10 May 2022 (UTC)

: (EC) Nobody has called the sockmaster &quot;diabolical&quot; or a &quot;villain.&quot;  I am new here but I have been [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Contributions/HouseOfChange&amp;dir=prev&amp;target=HouseOfChange active at Wikipedia since 2014]. My edit history is clear and public. And unfortunately for the sockmaster, their combined edit history is also clear and public, although they tried to hide it by caping their views behind multiethnic identities. So LibraryClerk was the same person as GaneshaSis who was the same person as WASPy-sounding WillSeymoreIII. Military-sounding AlphaBravo2022 was the same person as triply-ethnic Alicia-abdula-mcdonald  (she was for a while giving edit summaries in French.) That's deception. And once LibraryClerk got banned but kept right on posting using other accounts, that's abusive sockpuppetry that gets editors blocked, per longtime policy. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 19:07, 25 April 2022 (UTC)
::@[[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]], you say that your &quot; edit history is clear and public&quot;. but when I try to use Xtools to look at your contribution history I see &lt;blockquote&gt;This user has not opted in to have this data shown. Please either login to XTools as this user, or create User:HouseOfChange/EditCounterOptIn.js with any content. See the documentation for more information.&lt;/blockquote&gt; Would you pease allow wikiquotiens to see your contributions on this wiki by simply clicking '''Supercount''' at the bottom of your contributions page? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 14:19, 24 May 2022 (UTC)
::: What is public and plain is [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/HouseOfChange my contribution history]. (I can see yours and everybody else's that way.) I am not sure what privacy rights I'd be giving away by opting into making my edit counts public, so I don't plan to do that unless for some very good reason. I made very few edits to Wikiquote until this year, so it shouldn't be hard for people to analyze.  [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 18:16, 24 May 2022 (UTC)
::::@[[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]]The analysis of your edits through  Xtools on enwp is available for anyone to see. Are you saying that you trust enwp more than you trust enwq? if so, who is it that you trust less on wikiquote:
::::* Readers
::::* Users
::::* Admins
::::* Visitors from other wmf-projects such as Stewards, Global sysops, swmt members, renamers, etc.
::::* anyone else
::::Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 10:50, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

{{outdent}} I am here to help build WikiQuote, not for drama and personal interactions. I am not interested in continuing this discussion, or any other that doesn't directly bear on WikiQuote. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 12:06, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

:@[[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]], so am I. I  posted my question above because I believe it is very relevant to the health of Wikiquote. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:49, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

:: I disagree, and I have no intention of 1) changing my settings or 2) replying to your dramatic speculation about what my motivations might be. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 13:37, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

== Merge ip edits to user account ==

I have been editing under the ip range of [[Special:Contributions/2603:7080:da3c:7a33::/64|2603:7080:da3c:7a33::/64]], I would like this to be merged to the user account [[User:ilovemydoodle|ilovemydoodle]], Is this possible and if so, can it be done?
{{Collapse bottom}}

== &quot;LibraryClerk&quot; editing from IP ==

This IP is clearly a new sock of &quot;LibraryClerk&quot;: https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/24.42.166.244

Could some admin please block this new sock that is evading LibraryClerk's block? Otherwise Wikiquote will continue to get edits such as [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Corruption&amp;diff=prev&amp;oldid=3118813 this major POV push]. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 07:33, 30 May 2022 (UTC)
* I don't see that this account is registered on any project. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:35, 30 May 2022 (UTC)
** {{re|GreenMeansGo}} I should have given the full name,  [[Special:Contributions/Libraryclerk0191]]. I don't have a link to the  sockpuppet investigation but the aftermath was discussed [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard/Archive/037#Comparison_of_privacy_protection_between_Wikiquote_(WQ)_and_the_English_Wikipedia_(ENWP) here]. Apparently {{u|Vermont}} did a checkuser, because it looked as if LC191 was continuing to edit from other usernames.  Then {{u|Ferien}} blocked LC191's sock accounts identified from the sock check, IIUC. Please somebody block this IP who is CLEARLY the same person, from creating new clean-up problems. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 11:37, 30 May 2022 (UTC)
* {{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:31, 31 May 2022 (UTC)

== Account deletion ==

I have decided to not delete my account, I would like my User Page undeleted, I will be un-redacting comments. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] | [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) {{Ds|{DELETION IN PROGRESS}}} 04:39, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
* {{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:29, 1 June 2022 (UTC)

== Redirect request ==

Can someone please make [[☭]] redirect to [[communism]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] | [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:14, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
: A redirect from what? ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:56, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|UDScott}} From [[☭]] to [[Communism]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:58, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Ah, I see. However, this symbol is on the list of disallowed page titles. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:00, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|UDScott}} That’s why I’m asking for an admin to do it, it exists on Wikipedia. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:01, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:36, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Sockpuppet investigation ==

I think [[Special:contribs/221.120.208.175|221.120.208.175]] might be a Sockpuppet of [[User:GHOSTWORKER|GHOSTWORKER]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:03, 4 June 2022 (UTC)

{{Ds|No I donot Know him 221.120.208.175}}

: ??? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:41, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Link hijacking ==

Admins, do you check links for hijacking? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:49, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

:E.g.? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:36, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
::Like sending a link to malware or some kind of unauthorized Administrator/Bureaucrat action disguised as something else. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:58, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

&lt;s&gt;Could someone please revdel [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Ilovemydoodle&amp;oldid=3111786 this]?&lt;/s&gt; Edit: Done. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:01, 7 June 2022 (UTC)

== LTA horror decade sock strikes again ==

IP user 2600:387:15:630:0:0:0:8 is a LTA talk page vandal sock. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 01:49, 8 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:56, 8 June 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request (2) ==

Could someone please revdel [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Vandalism_in_progress&amp;diff=prev&amp;oldid=3115216&amp;diffmode=source this]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:38, 10 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:10, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
::Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:25, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request (3) ==

Could someone please revdel [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_Smith&amp;oldid=3110155 this]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:04, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{not done}} Revdel should be reserved for particularly egregious material (doxxing, linking to spam, personal insults) and this edit is not that. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:15, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

== Edit filter ==

{{ping|koavf}} Could you add &quot;VVKLOSER&quot; to the Edit Filter? (it's commonly used by GRP) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:51, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{not done}} {{u|Ferien}} Do you want to do this? You have a filter for this abuser and I think you could incorporate it into that one. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:18, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
::{{u|Koavf}}, yep, I'll take a look at that now, probably not too difficult to do. The filter itself is mainly a copy of simplewiki's as his behaviour is almost identical here. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 19:24, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{done}} --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 19:28, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Well it doesn’t seem to be working: VVKLOSER VVKLOSER VVKLOSER VVKLOSER. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:43, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

== Page protection may be needed ==
[[Bubble Guppies]] is being repeatedly recreated with no quotes, page protection may be needed. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:32, 14 June 2022 (UTC)
:Also the same keeps happening with [[Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!]]. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 00:43, 15 June 2022 (UTC)
::Also with [[Yo Gabba Gabba]]‎ and to a lesser extent [[T.U.F.F. Puppy]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:56, 15 June 2022 (UTC)

== Requested move ==

Can an admin move [[Zork Grand Inquisitor]] to [[Zork: Grand Inquisitor]], over the current redirect? Cheers, [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 17:16, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 00:47, 17 June 2022 (UTC)
::Thank you {{u|UDScott}}. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 05:41, 17 June 2022 (UTC)

== Protected move request ==

Could the pages [[Template:Test4]] and [[Template:Test4im]] be swapped? They seem to be the reverse of what they should be (also to be consistent with Wikipedia). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:02, 21 June 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

Could someone revdel [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User:SHUMBH&amp;oldid=3133965 this] edit summary? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:12, 25 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:11, 25 June 2022 (UTC)

== Archive.is ==

Can we add archive.is to the abuse filter? Or whatever domain they're using now. It is commonly abused by GRP and I see no real use of it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:45, 1 July 2022 (UTC)

== Wow! Wow! Wubbzy! ==
The page [[Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!]] is being repeatedly recreated with no quotes. I think page protection is needed. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 16:22, 5 July 2022 (UTC)
:Already done - my first step was to protect it from IP edits...if it continues, will take further steps. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 16:23, 5 July 2022 (UTC)

::Ok, thank you {{u|UDScott}}. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 16:32, 5 July 2022 (UTC)

== Request for Importer ==

&lt;span style=&quot;position: absolute; visibility: hidden;&quot;&gt;@[[User:Aphaia]] @[[User:BD2412]] @[[User:DannyS712]] @[[User:Ferien]] @[[User:GreenMeansGo]] @[[User:Illegitimate Barrister]] @[[User:Jusjih]] @[[User:Kalki]] @[[User:Koavf]] @[[User:Mdd]] @[[User:Miszatomic]] @[[User:Ningauble]] @[[User:Pmlineditor]] @[[User:UDScott]]
&lt;!-- All users after this line are not admins, just want to be pinged. You, yourself, can be added here, too, just add yourself below this line. --&gt;
@[[User:Ilovemydoodle]]&lt;/span&gt;@$[[Special:ListUsers/sysop|AllAdministrators]]: (pinging because the admins don’t seem to check this page often)

I regularly need to import pages from Wikipedia and other wikis, so I am requesting the &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt; right to make this process much easier, provide better attribution, and to allow the reversal, modification, and viewing of pre-import revisions. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:37, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

:As pointed out on my talk, a bureaucrat will need to actually do this. Have you done importing before? Are you willing to do the cleanup necessary (e.g. when there are redlinks)? Can you give an idea of what you'd want to import, as the content pages from Wikipedia will not always be relevant here (tho some of them would be, as there are articles tagged with quotation sections that should be imported)? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:30, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|koavf}} Yes, I have imported hundreds of templates (properly). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:32, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I cannot recall any other requests for this right in the past - and it appears that this can actually only be done by a steward. Per the [[w:Wikipedia:User_access_levels#Importers_and_transwiki_importers|relevant page on WP]], &quot;This access is highly restricted and is only available for assignment to a limited number of very trusted users by stewards following a special community approval discussion.&quot; I don't think that you wishing to have it to make some tasks easier qualifies. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 22:37, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|UDScott}} I am very confused. The option is available already to admins, so why do I need to be more trusted to get a lower-level user right? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:39, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::I just quoted what I read on the subject (as I had to look into it, having never received such a request before) - take it up with a steward if you have an issue, as it does not appear I could grant it to you even if I wanted to. As to your question - admins already go through a special community approval process in order to become admins. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 22:45, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::{{ping|UDScott}} So, admins can be appointed by bureaucrats, but importers have to be appointed by stewards. If so, then why do you have to go through a far-more thorough appointing process to get a lesser user right? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:48, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I don't see that it is any more thorough than that for admins. In both cases, a community discussion is required, it's just different roles that actually grant the permission after said discussion. I'm also not really inclined to say that importing is really a lesser user right - it could certainly be abused in the wrong hands. I am not saying you would abuse it, but I can see why it is not so easily granted. I do still have some reluctance to grant you additional rights anyway, as I still do not understand all that you are trying to do here, and I still maintain that much of your template work is redundant and wasted and steamrolls existing templates already in use. You demonstrate an impatience that in my mind is not compatible with someone with advanced user rights on the site. By the way, you're asking these questions to me as if I was the author of the cited policies - I am not. And I have no idea why any of this was set up this way (other than to be judicious in granting such rights, as I mentioned already). ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 23:04, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::{{ping|UDScott}} Well, my point is not that is or is not a &quot;lesser right&quot;, but that it is not a greater right. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:16, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

== Report concerning Achim110 ==

{{U|Achim110}} is making some weird edits. On [[Wikidata]], {{GENDER:Achim110|he|she|they}} [[Special:Diff/3125691/3141310|replaced the Wikidata logo with a (nonexistent) Wikinews logo]], with several other nonsensical logo edits in between. Some of their other page creations seem to be random copy+pasted “administrative” wikitext; at [[Keir Graff]], they’ve created a purported block review by [[User:Keir Graff]] (whose user page Achim also created, and who also isn’t blocked on English Wikiquote as far as I can tell). Can someone check what’s going on? [[User:Lucas Werkmeister|Lucas Werkmeister]] ([[User talk:Lucas Werkmeister|talk]]) 14:29, 13 July 2022 (UTC)
: This user has been permanently blocked, and a mass deletion of all pages created by the account performed. ~ &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 15:08, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== Edit war ==

There has been an ongoing edit war on [[Sonic the Hedgehog 2]] on whether &quot;Shadow&quot;'s eyes are orange or red. Can this be sorted out? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:05, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done|Solved}} '''&lt;sup&gt;(Hopefully)&lt;/sup&gt;''' by [[User:Koavf|Koavf]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:14, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Crosswiki spammer ==

On the [[:Education in India]] page, please hide the two edits immediately prior to my edit. They contain a spam link being pushed across numerous wikis. Cheers. ['''[[:User:Cromium|&lt;sub&gt;24&lt;/sub&gt;Cr]]''']['''[[:User talk:Cromium|talk]]'''] 12:40, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:53, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

== Finish a deletion nomination ==

Hello, please could someone add [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Formatting]] to the log page for me? I can't do it as an IP because the page has been protected. Thank you! [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 00:21, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:26, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Thanks a bunch, much appreciated.
::If you get a minute could you also add:
::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:N]]
::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:This]]
::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Vote removed]]
::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Strikethrough templates]]
::to the same page? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:40, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{done}} as well. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 20:24, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Could you please also list these four discussions?:
::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:LTADatabase]]
::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:REDACTED]]
::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Always substitute]]
::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:T]]
::::Thank you. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:12, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Forgot to ping you. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:16, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 23:56, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Could you please add these discussions too?
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Change title]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Longquote]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Ping active users]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Bansock]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Banplz]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Welcome-Formatting]]
::::::Thanks! [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:13, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::{{Done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 15:37, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Another batch, if that's OK:
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:First article]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Sandbox link]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Userspace linking templates]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:SpellCheck]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Db-g12]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Db-copyvio-notice]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Category:Suspected Wikipedia sockpuppets of GR&lt;noinclude/&gt;P]] 
::::::::Thanks! [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:17, 24 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:49, 25 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Thanks a bunch, and thanks for adding some of the discussions I just started.
::::::::::In this edit [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Votes_for_deletion&amp;diff=3146967&amp;oldid=3146966] you seem to have accidentally deleted [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Db-copyvio-notice]] while doing some cleanup, please could you re-add it to the list?
::::::::::Also a few more nominations:
::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Uw-afd5]]
::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Ensure AAA contrast ratio]]
::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Templatesnotice]]
::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Closed and Template:Reopen]]
::::::::::Thanks again! [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:02, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Forgot to ping again. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:44, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::{{done}} (and fixed the one I inadvertently deleted). ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 18:42, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

== Broken links in contributions page ==

also, while I'm here, the SUL info link in [[MediaWiki:Sp-contributions-footer]] leads to a deleted tool, and the &quot;supercount&quot; tool has been renamed to xtools and moved to a different domain. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 01:03, 19 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} Thanks. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:28, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
::@[[User:Koavf|Koavf]] Sorry, you seem to have gotten that back to front. The link you removed still works, but it now redirects you to a different site because it was replaced by a new tool. The one that is broken without replacement is the &quot;SUL info&quot; link. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 10:25, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::done}} Whoopsie daisy. Thanks.{ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 10:28, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

== [[User: Eaglestorm]] again ==

This user with a history of being disruptive (just see their [[User talk:Eaglestorm]]) and a permanent block from English WP was recently globally unblocked on a technicality and is back to their [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/Eaglestorm typical antics] of ruthlessly “enforcing” the non-policy, unofficial guideline of [[WQ:LOQ]] via edit warring and being hostile and stubborn when asked to negotiate a solution. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 03:29, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
:here we go. did you even read the stewards report? I'm up to &quot;typical antics&quot; ... YOU'RE PLAIN OBSESSED with taking me down. What nonpolicy are you talking about? The one that's been effective with copyvio for the last 14 years?  --[[User:Eaglestorm|Eaglestorm]] ([[User talk:Eaglestorm|talk]]) 03:33, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
::Yes, you still are being a net negative here. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 03:35, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
::Do you not understand what '''''proposed''''' means here?! [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 03:38, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
:Do you have diffs of edit-warring? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:01, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Dronebogus}} It looks a bit like you saw ES editing, and went around revering their edits across articles, including apparently on a least some article you'd never edited before, meaning you weren't following your watchlist, you were following ES. I guess we can add repeatedly reverting ES on their own talk page.
: So that's not all exactly a pristine position from which to argue about someone else's disruptiveness. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 20:26, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
::I know that, but ES is enforcing a proposed policy in a disruptive manner and is refusing to negotiate even when asked to. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 22:15, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Well, one part inherent in LOQ certainly is policy: that excessively lengthy passages run afoul of copyright. But if you're gonna pick a hill to die on, I'm not sure the right one is ensuring that the article on GAT V includes riveting lines such as &quot;'''Jimmy De Santa''': Go away. '''Michael De Santa''': What?&quot; [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:08, 25 July 2022 (UTC)

== Salt a page title for use in documentation ==

Hello,

I'm planning on re-writing {{tl|redlink}} at some point in the next few days to make the implementation of this template a bit more sensible. As part of that I'd like to set it up so it creates links to a salted page title, rather than a random subpage of the template. Would someone be willing to creation protect a title for this purpose? Something like [[Wikiquote:redlink example]] would work well. I know from experience if you use an unprotected redlink in documentation someone is just going to create the page. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:19, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
* {{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:26, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

== Request to move some templates ==

Hello, I'm working through some template clean-up and have found some pages that I think should be moved. In addition can whoever moves them delete or supress any resulting redirects, as they will not be helpful.

Firstly, can someone please remove the admin level protection from [[Template:error]] and move [[Template:error2]] to this title? There's no real reason for this template to have a number in its title except to get around the page salting (which seems to have been a bit of an overkill response for a single piece of IP vandalism).

Secondly can someone make the following moves, deleting any redirects:
*{{tl|Template:Uw-afd2}} → {{tl|Template:Uw-vfd2}}
*{{tl|Template:Uw-afd3}} → {{tl|Template:Uw-vfd3}}
*{{tl|Template:Uw-afd4}} → {{tl|Template:Uw-vfd4}}
Because there is no such thing as &quot;articles for deletion&quot; on this project. There are no current usages of these templates, so no real need to leave a redirect. I cleaned up the text of these templates a few days ago, but the title still needs to be changed.

Thanks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:31, 26 July 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>tgyq0gayak6x5bn2y38hkjz1o6ofoun</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147637</id>
      <parentid>3147630</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T18:45:00Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Request to move some templates */ Done</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="35243" xml:space="preserve">{{/Header}}
{{User:MABot/config
|archive = Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/%(counter)03d
|algo = old(15d)
|counter = 37
|maxarchivesize = 300K
|minthreadsleft = 2
|archiveheader = 
|minthreadstoarchive = 1
}}

== Madman in Bulldozer on Aisle Five ==

[[File:Bauhaus Marionette Nachbau Der-Bucklige-Frontal.jpg|thumb|the bulldozer operator?]]
:For anyone interested, it should be noted that &quot;HouseofChange&quot; is wildly pushing his (or a puppetmaster's?) POV. All the quotes bulldozed wrecklessly in bulk carte blanche, over the past couple of months  were ALL approved by the regular Admins here months ago. They made zero objections to the material and are  known to scrutinize everything posted here without delay. Suddenly a very loudmouthed newcomer arrived on the set, has over-ruled the judgement of the other admins, and is very heroically, loudly,  rescuing the entire project  from the diabolical work of a villain who slipped hundreds of quotations &amp; new pages into the system while the all guards were sound asleep? Really??!!  What a mystery.  Maybe the bulldozer operator and a few others, are working for corrupt elements of the U.S. Government, knuckleheads who hate the truth &amp; love censorhip, coverups and their skills in the art of deception [[Information Warfare Community|&quot;information dominance&quot;]]???? What happened?  Does wikipedia give refunds to extremely disappointed donors??  May fearful people quit being afraid. May everyone feel the peace that passes understanding.  May God help us all!
* It would probably be more helpful if you just dryly told us what the problem was instead of trying to be so supremely colorful. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 18:43, 25 April 2022 (UTC)

: He seems pretty neutral to me. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 02:05, 10 May 2022 (UTC)

: (EC) Nobody has called the sockmaster &quot;diabolical&quot; or a &quot;villain.&quot;  I am new here but I have been [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Contributions/HouseOfChange&amp;dir=prev&amp;target=HouseOfChange active at Wikipedia since 2014]. My edit history is clear and public. And unfortunately for the sockmaster, their combined edit history is also clear and public, although they tried to hide it by caping their views behind multiethnic identities. So LibraryClerk was the same person as GaneshaSis who was the same person as WASPy-sounding WillSeymoreIII. Military-sounding AlphaBravo2022 was the same person as triply-ethnic Alicia-abdula-mcdonald  (she was for a while giving edit summaries in French.) That's deception. And once LibraryClerk got banned but kept right on posting using other accounts, that's abusive sockpuppetry that gets editors blocked, per longtime policy. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 19:07, 25 April 2022 (UTC)
::@[[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]], you say that your &quot; edit history is clear and public&quot;. but when I try to use Xtools to look at your contribution history I see &lt;blockquote&gt;This user has not opted in to have this data shown. Please either login to XTools as this user, or create User:HouseOfChange/EditCounterOptIn.js with any content. See the documentation for more information.&lt;/blockquote&gt; Would you pease allow wikiquotiens to see your contributions on this wiki by simply clicking '''Supercount''' at the bottom of your contributions page? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 14:19, 24 May 2022 (UTC)
::: What is public and plain is [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/HouseOfChange my contribution history]. (I can see yours and everybody else's that way.) I am not sure what privacy rights I'd be giving away by opting into making my edit counts public, so I don't plan to do that unless for some very good reason. I made very few edits to Wikiquote until this year, so it shouldn't be hard for people to analyze.  [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 18:16, 24 May 2022 (UTC)
::::@[[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]]The analysis of your edits through  Xtools on enwp is available for anyone to see. Are you saying that you trust enwp more than you trust enwq? if so, who is it that you trust less on wikiquote:
::::* Readers
::::* Users
::::* Admins
::::* Visitors from other wmf-projects such as Stewards, Global sysops, swmt members, renamers, etc.
::::* anyone else
::::Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 10:50, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

{{outdent}} I am here to help build WikiQuote, not for drama and personal interactions. I am not interested in continuing this discussion, or any other that doesn't directly bear on WikiQuote. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 12:06, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

:@[[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]], so am I. I  posted my question above because I believe it is very relevant to the health of Wikiquote. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:49, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

:: I disagree, and I have no intention of 1) changing my settings or 2) replying to your dramatic speculation about what my motivations might be. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 13:37, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

== Merge ip edits to user account ==

I have been editing under the ip range of [[Special:Contributions/2603:7080:da3c:7a33::/64|2603:7080:da3c:7a33::/64]], I would like this to be merged to the user account [[User:ilovemydoodle|ilovemydoodle]], Is this possible and if so, can it be done?
{{Collapse bottom}}

== &quot;LibraryClerk&quot; editing from IP ==

This IP is clearly a new sock of &quot;LibraryClerk&quot;: https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/24.42.166.244

Could some admin please block this new sock that is evading LibraryClerk's block? Otherwise Wikiquote will continue to get edits such as [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Corruption&amp;diff=prev&amp;oldid=3118813 this major POV push]. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 07:33, 30 May 2022 (UTC)
* I don't see that this account is registered on any project. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:35, 30 May 2022 (UTC)
** {{re|GreenMeansGo}} I should have given the full name,  [[Special:Contributions/Libraryclerk0191]]. I don't have a link to the  sockpuppet investigation but the aftermath was discussed [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard/Archive/037#Comparison_of_privacy_protection_between_Wikiquote_(WQ)_and_the_English_Wikipedia_(ENWP) here]. Apparently {{u|Vermont}} did a checkuser, because it looked as if LC191 was continuing to edit from other usernames.  Then {{u|Ferien}} blocked LC191's sock accounts identified from the sock check, IIUC. Please somebody block this IP who is CLEARLY the same person, from creating new clean-up problems. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 11:37, 30 May 2022 (UTC)
* {{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:31, 31 May 2022 (UTC)

== Account deletion ==

I have decided to not delete my account, I would like my User Page undeleted, I will be un-redacting comments. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] | [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) {{Ds|{DELETION IN PROGRESS}}} 04:39, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
* {{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:29, 1 June 2022 (UTC)

== Redirect request ==

Can someone please make [[☭]] redirect to [[communism]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] | [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:14, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
: A redirect from what? ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:56, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|UDScott}} From [[☭]] to [[Communism]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:58, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Ah, I see. However, this symbol is on the list of disallowed page titles. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:00, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|UDScott}} That’s why I’m asking for an admin to do it, it exists on Wikipedia. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:01, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:36, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Sockpuppet investigation ==

I think [[Special:contribs/221.120.208.175|221.120.208.175]] might be a Sockpuppet of [[User:GHOSTWORKER|GHOSTWORKER]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:03, 4 June 2022 (UTC)

{{Ds|No I donot Know him 221.120.208.175}}

: ??? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:41, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Link hijacking ==

Admins, do you check links for hijacking? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:49, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

:E.g.? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:36, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
::Like sending a link to malware or some kind of unauthorized Administrator/Bureaucrat action disguised as something else. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:58, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

&lt;s&gt;Could someone please revdel [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Ilovemydoodle&amp;oldid=3111786 this]?&lt;/s&gt; Edit: Done. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:01, 7 June 2022 (UTC)

== LTA horror decade sock strikes again ==

IP user 2600:387:15:630:0:0:0:8 is a LTA talk page vandal sock. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 01:49, 8 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:56, 8 June 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request (2) ==

Could someone please revdel [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Vandalism_in_progress&amp;diff=prev&amp;oldid=3115216&amp;diffmode=source this]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:38, 10 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:10, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
::Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:25, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request (3) ==

Could someone please revdel [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_Smith&amp;oldid=3110155 this]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:04, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{not done}} Revdel should be reserved for particularly egregious material (doxxing, linking to spam, personal insults) and this edit is not that. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:15, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

== Edit filter ==

{{ping|koavf}} Could you add &quot;VVKLOSER&quot; to the Edit Filter? (it's commonly used by GRP) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:51, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{not done}} {{u|Ferien}} Do you want to do this? You have a filter for this abuser and I think you could incorporate it into that one. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:18, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
::{{u|Koavf}}, yep, I'll take a look at that now, probably not too difficult to do. The filter itself is mainly a copy of simplewiki's as his behaviour is almost identical here. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 19:24, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{done}} --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 19:28, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Well it doesn’t seem to be working: VVKLOSER VVKLOSER VVKLOSER VVKLOSER. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:43, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

== Page protection may be needed ==
[[Bubble Guppies]] is being repeatedly recreated with no quotes, page protection may be needed. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:32, 14 June 2022 (UTC)
:Also the same keeps happening with [[Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!]]. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 00:43, 15 June 2022 (UTC)
::Also with [[Yo Gabba Gabba]]‎ and to a lesser extent [[T.U.F.F. Puppy]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:56, 15 June 2022 (UTC)

== Requested move ==

Can an admin move [[Zork Grand Inquisitor]] to [[Zork: Grand Inquisitor]], over the current redirect? Cheers, [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 17:16, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 00:47, 17 June 2022 (UTC)
::Thank you {{u|UDScott}}. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 05:41, 17 June 2022 (UTC)

== Protected move request ==

Could the pages [[Template:Test4]] and [[Template:Test4im]] be swapped? They seem to be the reverse of what they should be (also to be consistent with Wikipedia). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:02, 21 June 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

Could someone revdel [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User:SHUMBH&amp;oldid=3133965 this] edit summary? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:12, 25 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:11, 25 June 2022 (UTC)

== Archive.is ==

Can we add archive.is to the abuse filter? Or whatever domain they're using now. It is commonly abused by GRP and I see no real use of it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:45, 1 July 2022 (UTC)

== Wow! Wow! Wubbzy! ==
The page [[Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!]] is being repeatedly recreated with no quotes. I think page protection is needed. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 16:22, 5 July 2022 (UTC)
:Already done - my first step was to protect it from IP edits...if it continues, will take further steps. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 16:23, 5 July 2022 (UTC)

::Ok, thank you {{u|UDScott}}. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 16:32, 5 July 2022 (UTC)

== Request for Importer ==

&lt;span style=&quot;position: absolute; visibility: hidden;&quot;&gt;@[[User:Aphaia]] @[[User:BD2412]] @[[User:DannyS712]] @[[User:Ferien]] @[[User:GreenMeansGo]] @[[User:Illegitimate Barrister]] @[[User:Jusjih]] @[[User:Kalki]] @[[User:Koavf]] @[[User:Mdd]] @[[User:Miszatomic]] @[[User:Ningauble]] @[[User:Pmlineditor]] @[[User:UDScott]]
&lt;!-- All users after this line are not admins, just want to be pinged. You, yourself, can be added here, too, just add yourself below this line. --&gt;
@[[User:Ilovemydoodle]]&lt;/span&gt;@$[[Special:ListUsers/sysop|AllAdministrators]]: (pinging because the admins don’t seem to check this page often)

I regularly need to import pages from Wikipedia and other wikis, so I am requesting the &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt; right to make this process much easier, provide better attribution, and to allow the reversal, modification, and viewing of pre-import revisions. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:37, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

:As pointed out on my talk, a bureaucrat will need to actually do this. Have you done importing before? Are you willing to do the cleanup necessary (e.g. when there are redlinks)? Can you give an idea of what you'd want to import, as the content pages from Wikipedia will not always be relevant here (tho some of them would be, as there are articles tagged with quotation sections that should be imported)? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:30, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|koavf}} Yes, I have imported hundreds of templates (properly). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:32, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I cannot recall any other requests for this right in the past - and it appears that this can actually only be done by a steward. Per the [[w:Wikipedia:User_access_levels#Importers_and_transwiki_importers|relevant page on WP]], &quot;This access is highly restricted and is only available for assignment to a limited number of very trusted users by stewards following a special community approval discussion.&quot; I don't think that you wishing to have it to make some tasks easier qualifies. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 22:37, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|UDScott}} I am very confused. The option is available already to admins, so why do I need to be more trusted to get a lower-level user right? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:39, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::I just quoted what I read on the subject (as I had to look into it, having never received such a request before) - take it up with a steward if you have an issue, as it does not appear I could grant it to you even if I wanted to. As to your question - admins already go through a special community approval process in order to become admins. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 22:45, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::{{ping|UDScott}} So, admins can be appointed by bureaucrats, but importers have to be appointed by stewards. If so, then why do you have to go through a far-more thorough appointing process to get a lesser user right? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:48, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I don't see that it is any more thorough than that for admins. In both cases, a community discussion is required, it's just different roles that actually grant the permission after said discussion. I'm also not really inclined to say that importing is really a lesser user right - it could certainly be abused in the wrong hands. I am not saying you would abuse it, but I can see why it is not so easily granted. I do still have some reluctance to grant you additional rights anyway, as I still do not understand all that you are trying to do here, and I still maintain that much of your template work is redundant and wasted and steamrolls existing templates already in use. You demonstrate an impatience that in my mind is not compatible with someone with advanced user rights on the site. By the way, you're asking these questions to me as if I was the author of the cited policies - I am not. And I have no idea why any of this was set up this way (other than to be judicious in granting such rights, as I mentioned already). ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 23:04, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::{{ping|UDScott}} Well, my point is not that is or is not a &quot;lesser right&quot;, but that it is not a greater right. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:16, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

== Report concerning Achim110 ==

{{U|Achim110}} is making some weird edits. On [[Wikidata]], {{GENDER:Achim110|he|she|they}} [[Special:Diff/3125691/3141310|replaced the Wikidata logo with a (nonexistent) Wikinews logo]], with several other nonsensical logo edits in between. Some of their other page creations seem to be random copy+pasted “administrative” wikitext; at [[Keir Graff]], they’ve created a purported block review by [[User:Keir Graff]] (whose user page Achim also created, and who also isn’t blocked on English Wikiquote as far as I can tell). Can someone check what’s going on? [[User:Lucas Werkmeister|Lucas Werkmeister]] ([[User talk:Lucas Werkmeister|talk]]) 14:29, 13 July 2022 (UTC)
: This user has been permanently blocked, and a mass deletion of all pages created by the account performed. ~ &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 15:08, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== Edit war ==

There has been an ongoing edit war on [[Sonic the Hedgehog 2]] on whether &quot;Shadow&quot;'s eyes are orange or red. Can this be sorted out? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:05, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done|Solved}} '''&lt;sup&gt;(Hopefully)&lt;/sup&gt;''' by [[User:Koavf|Koavf]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:14, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Crosswiki spammer ==

On the [[:Education in India]] page, please hide the two edits immediately prior to my edit. They contain a spam link being pushed across numerous wikis. Cheers. ['''[[:User:Cromium|&lt;sub&gt;24&lt;/sub&gt;Cr]]''']['''[[:User talk:Cromium|talk]]'''] 12:40, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:53, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

== Finish a deletion nomination ==

Hello, please could someone add [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Formatting]] to the log page for me? I can't do it as an IP because the page has been protected. Thank you! [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 00:21, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:26, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Thanks a bunch, much appreciated.
::If you get a minute could you also add:
::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:N]]
::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:This]]
::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Vote removed]]
::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Strikethrough templates]]
::to the same page? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:40, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{done}} as well. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 20:24, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Could you please also list these four discussions?:
::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:LTADatabase]]
::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:REDACTED]]
::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Always substitute]]
::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:T]]
::::Thank you. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:12, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Forgot to ping you. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:16, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 23:56, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Could you please add these discussions too?
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Change title]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Longquote]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Ping active users]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Bansock]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Banplz]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Welcome-Formatting]]
::::::Thanks! [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:13, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::{{Done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 15:37, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Another batch, if that's OK:
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:First article]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Sandbox link]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Userspace linking templates]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:SpellCheck]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Db-g12]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Db-copyvio-notice]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Category:Suspected Wikipedia sockpuppets of GR&lt;noinclude/&gt;P]] 
::::::::Thanks! [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:17, 24 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:49, 25 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Thanks a bunch, and thanks for adding some of the discussions I just started.
::::::::::In this edit [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Votes_for_deletion&amp;diff=3146967&amp;oldid=3146966] you seem to have accidentally deleted [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Db-copyvio-notice]] while doing some cleanup, please could you re-add it to the list?
::::::::::Also a few more nominations:
::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Uw-afd5]]
::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Ensure AAA contrast ratio]]
::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Templatesnotice]]
::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Closed and Template:Reopen]]
::::::::::Thanks again! [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:02, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Forgot to ping again. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:44, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::{{done}} (and fixed the one I inadvertently deleted). ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 18:42, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

== Broken links in contributions page ==

also, while I'm here, the SUL info link in [[MediaWiki:Sp-contributions-footer]] leads to a deleted tool, and the &quot;supercount&quot; tool has been renamed to xtools and moved to a different domain. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 01:03, 19 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} Thanks. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:28, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
::@[[User:Koavf|Koavf]] Sorry, you seem to have gotten that back to front. The link you removed still works, but it now redirects you to a different site because it was replaced by a new tool. The one that is broken without replacement is the &quot;SUL info&quot; link. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 10:25, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::done}} Whoopsie daisy. Thanks.{ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 10:28, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

== [[User: Eaglestorm]] again ==

This user with a history of being disruptive (just see their [[User talk:Eaglestorm]]) and a permanent block from English WP was recently globally unblocked on a technicality and is back to their [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/Eaglestorm typical antics] of ruthlessly “enforcing” the non-policy, unofficial guideline of [[WQ:LOQ]] via edit warring and being hostile and stubborn when asked to negotiate a solution. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 03:29, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
:here we go. did you even read the stewards report? I'm up to &quot;typical antics&quot; ... YOU'RE PLAIN OBSESSED with taking me down. What nonpolicy are you talking about? The one that's been effective with copyvio for the last 14 years?  --[[User:Eaglestorm|Eaglestorm]] ([[User talk:Eaglestorm|talk]]) 03:33, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
::Yes, you still are being a net negative here. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 03:35, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
::Do you not understand what '''''proposed''''' means here?! [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 03:38, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
:Do you have diffs of edit-warring? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:01, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Dronebogus}} It looks a bit like you saw ES editing, and went around revering their edits across articles, including apparently on a least some article you'd never edited before, meaning you weren't following your watchlist, you were following ES. I guess we can add repeatedly reverting ES on their own talk page.
: So that's not all exactly a pristine position from which to argue about someone else's disruptiveness. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 20:26, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
::I know that, but ES is enforcing a proposed policy in a disruptive manner and is refusing to negotiate even when asked to. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 22:15, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Well, one part inherent in LOQ certainly is policy: that excessively lengthy passages run afoul of copyright. But if you're gonna pick a hill to die on, I'm not sure the right one is ensuring that the article on GAT V includes riveting lines such as &quot;'''Jimmy De Santa''': Go away. '''Michael De Santa''': What?&quot; [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:08, 25 July 2022 (UTC)

== Salt a page title for use in documentation ==

Hello,

I'm planning on re-writing {{tl|redlink}} at some point in the next few days to make the implementation of this template a bit more sensible. As part of that I'd like to set it up so it creates links to a salted page title, rather than a random subpage of the template. Would someone be willing to creation protect a title for this purpose? Something like [[Wikiquote:redlink example]] would work well. I know from experience if you use an unprotected redlink in documentation someone is just going to create the page. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:19, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
* {{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:26, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

== Request to move some templates ==

Hello, I'm working through some template clean-up and have found some pages that I think should be moved. In addition can whoever moves them delete or supress any resulting redirects, as they will not be helpful.

Firstly, can someone please remove the admin level protection from [[Template:error]] and move [[Template:error2]] to this title? There's no real reason for this template to have a number in its title except to get around the page salting (which seems to have been a bit of an overkill response for a single piece of IP vandalism).

Secondly can someone make the following moves, deleting any redirects:
*{{tl|Template:Uw-afd2}} → {{tl|Template:Uw-vfd2}}
*{{tl|Template:Uw-afd3}} → {{tl|Template:Uw-vfd3}}
*{{tl|Template:Uw-afd4}} → {{tl|Template:Uw-vfd4}}
Because there is no such thing as &quot;articles for deletion&quot; on this project. There are no current usages of these templates, so no real need to leave a redirect. I cleaned up the text of these templates a few days ago, but the title still needs to be changed.

Thanks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:31, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} (all four move requests). ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 18:44, 26 July 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>4611rd2f2u7k4qzxf5gc5ztmn78u5so</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147745</id>
      <parentid>3147637</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T20:40:55Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Clean-up help needed */ new section</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="38015" xml:space="preserve">{{/Header}}
{{User:MABot/config
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== Madman in Bulldozer on Aisle Five ==

[[File:Bauhaus Marionette Nachbau Der-Bucklige-Frontal.jpg|thumb|the bulldozer operator?]]
:For anyone interested, it should be noted that &quot;HouseofChange&quot; is wildly pushing his (or a puppetmaster's?) POV. All the quotes bulldozed wrecklessly in bulk carte blanche, over the past couple of months  were ALL approved by the regular Admins here months ago. They made zero objections to the material and are  known to scrutinize everything posted here without delay. Suddenly a very loudmouthed newcomer arrived on the set, has over-ruled the judgement of the other admins, and is very heroically, loudly,  rescuing the entire project  from the diabolical work of a villain who slipped hundreds of quotations &amp; new pages into the system while the all guards were sound asleep? Really??!!  What a mystery.  Maybe the bulldozer operator and a few others, are working for corrupt elements of the U.S. Government, knuckleheads who hate the truth &amp; love censorhip, coverups and their skills in the art of deception [[Information Warfare Community|&quot;information dominance&quot;]]???? What happened?  Does wikipedia give refunds to extremely disappointed donors??  May fearful people quit being afraid. May everyone feel the peace that passes understanding.  May God help us all!
* It would probably be more helpful if you just dryly told us what the problem was instead of trying to be so supremely colorful. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 18:43, 25 April 2022 (UTC)

: He seems pretty neutral to me. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 02:05, 10 May 2022 (UTC)

: (EC) Nobody has called the sockmaster &quot;diabolical&quot; or a &quot;villain.&quot;  I am new here but I have been [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Contributions/HouseOfChange&amp;dir=prev&amp;target=HouseOfChange active at Wikipedia since 2014]. My edit history is clear and public. And unfortunately for the sockmaster, their combined edit history is also clear and public, although they tried to hide it by caping their views behind multiethnic identities. So LibraryClerk was the same person as GaneshaSis who was the same person as WASPy-sounding WillSeymoreIII. Military-sounding AlphaBravo2022 was the same person as triply-ethnic Alicia-abdula-mcdonald  (she was for a while giving edit summaries in French.) That's deception. And once LibraryClerk got banned but kept right on posting using other accounts, that's abusive sockpuppetry that gets editors blocked, per longtime policy. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 19:07, 25 April 2022 (UTC)
::@[[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]], you say that your &quot; edit history is clear and public&quot;. but when I try to use Xtools to look at your contribution history I see &lt;blockquote&gt;This user has not opted in to have this data shown. Please either login to XTools as this user, or create User:HouseOfChange/EditCounterOptIn.js with any content. See the documentation for more information.&lt;/blockquote&gt; Would you pease allow wikiquotiens to see your contributions on this wiki by simply clicking '''Supercount''' at the bottom of your contributions page? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 14:19, 24 May 2022 (UTC)
::: What is public and plain is [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/HouseOfChange my contribution history]. (I can see yours and everybody else's that way.) I am not sure what privacy rights I'd be giving away by opting into making my edit counts public, so I don't plan to do that unless for some very good reason. I made very few edits to Wikiquote until this year, so it shouldn't be hard for people to analyze.  [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 18:16, 24 May 2022 (UTC)
::::@[[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]]The analysis of your edits through  Xtools on enwp is available for anyone to see. Are you saying that you trust enwp more than you trust enwq? if so, who is it that you trust less on wikiquote:
::::* Readers
::::* Users
::::* Admins
::::* Visitors from other wmf-projects such as Stewards, Global sysops, swmt members, renamers, etc.
::::* anyone else
::::Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 10:50, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

{{outdent}} I am here to help build WikiQuote, not for drama and personal interactions. I am not interested in continuing this discussion, or any other that doesn't directly bear on WikiQuote. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 12:06, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

:@[[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]], so am I. I  posted my question above because I believe it is very relevant to the health of Wikiquote. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:49, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

:: I disagree, and I have no intention of 1) changing my settings or 2) replying to your dramatic speculation about what my motivations might be. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 13:37, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

== Merge ip edits to user account ==

I have been editing under the ip range of [[Special:Contributions/2603:7080:da3c:7a33::/64|2603:7080:da3c:7a33::/64]], I would like this to be merged to the user account [[User:ilovemydoodle|ilovemydoodle]], Is this possible and if so, can it be done?
{{Collapse bottom}}

== &quot;LibraryClerk&quot; editing from IP ==

This IP is clearly a new sock of &quot;LibraryClerk&quot;: https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/24.42.166.244

Could some admin please block this new sock that is evading LibraryClerk's block? Otherwise Wikiquote will continue to get edits such as [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Corruption&amp;diff=prev&amp;oldid=3118813 this major POV push]. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 07:33, 30 May 2022 (UTC)
* I don't see that this account is registered on any project. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:35, 30 May 2022 (UTC)
** {{re|GreenMeansGo}} I should have given the full name,  [[Special:Contributions/Libraryclerk0191]]. I don't have a link to the  sockpuppet investigation but the aftermath was discussed [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard/Archive/037#Comparison_of_privacy_protection_between_Wikiquote_(WQ)_and_the_English_Wikipedia_(ENWP) here]. Apparently {{u|Vermont}} did a checkuser, because it looked as if LC191 was continuing to edit from other usernames.  Then {{u|Ferien}} blocked LC191's sock accounts identified from the sock check, IIUC. Please somebody block this IP who is CLEARLY the same person, from creating new clean-up problems. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 11:37, 30 May 2022 (UTC)
* {{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:31, 31 May 2022 (UTC)

== Account deletion ==

I have decided to not delete my account, I would like my User Page undeleted, I will be un-redacting comments. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] | [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) {{Ds|{DELETION IN PROGRESS}}} 04:39, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
* {{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:29, 1 June 2022 (UTC)

== Redirect request ==

Can someone please make [[☭]] redirect to [[communism]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] | [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:14, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
: A redirect from what? ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:56, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|UDScott}} From [[☭]] to [[Communism]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:58, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Ah, I see. However, this symbol is on the list of disallowed page titles. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:00, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|UDScott}} That’s why I’m asking for an admin to do it, it exists on Wikipedia. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:01, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:36, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Sockpuppet investigation ==

I think [[Special:contribs/221.120.208.175|221.120.208.175]] might be a Sockpuppet of [[User:GHOSTWORKER|GHOSTWORKER]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:03, 4 June 2022 (UTC)

{{Ds|No I donot Know him 221.120.208.175}}

: ??? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:41, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Link hijacking ==

Admins, do you check links for hijacking? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:49, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

:E.g.? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:36, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
::Like sending a link to malware or some kind of unauthorized Administrator/Bureaucrat action disguised as something else. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:58, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

&lt;s&gt;Could someone please revdel [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Ilovemydoodle&amp;oldid=3111786 this]?&lt;/s&gt; Edit: Done. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:01, 7 June 2022 (UTC)

== LTA horror decade sock strikes again ==

IP user 2600:387:15:630:0:0:0:8 is a LTA talk page vandal sock. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 01:49, 8 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:56, 8 June 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request (2) ==

Could someone please revdel [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Vandalism_in_progress&amp;diff=prev&amp;oldid=3115216&amp;diffmode=source this]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:38, 10 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:10, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
::Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:25, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request (3) ==

Could someone please revdel [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_Smith&amp;oldid=3110155 this]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:04, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{not done}} Revdel should be reserved for particularly egregious material (doxxing, linking to spam, personal insults) and this edit is not that. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:15, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

== Edit filter ==

{{ping|koavf}} Could you add &quot;VVKLOSER&quot; to the Edit Filter? (it's commonly used by GRP) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:51, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{not done}} {{u|Ferien}} Do you want to do this? You have a filter for this abuser and I think you could incorporate it into that one. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:18, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
::{{u|Koavf}}, yep, I'll take a look at that now, probably not too difficult to do. The filter itself is mainly a copy of simplewiki's as his behaviour is almost identical here. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 19:24, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{done}} --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 19:28, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Well it doesn’t seem to be working: VVKLOSER VVKLOSER VVKLOSER VVKLOSER. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:43, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

== Page protection may be needed ==
[[Bubble Guppies]] is being repeatedly recreated with no quotes, page protection may be needed. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:32, 14 June 2022 (UTC)
:Also the same keeps happening with [[Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!]]. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 00:43, 15 June 2022 (UTC)
::Also with [[Yo Gabba Gabba]]‎ and to a lesser extent [[T.U.F.F. Puppy]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:56, 15 June 2022 (UTC)

== Requested move ==

Can an admin move [[Zork Grand Inquisitor]] to [[Zork: Grand Inquisitor]], over the current redirect? Cheers, [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 17:16, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 00:47, 17 June 2022 (UTC)
::Thank you {{u|UDScott}}. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 05:41, 17 June 2022 (UTC)

== Protected move request ==

Could the pages [[Template:Test4]] and [[Template:Test4im]] be swapped? They seem to be the reverse of what they should be (also to be consistent with Wikipedia). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:02, 21 June 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

Could someone revdel [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User:SHUMBH&amp;oldid=3133965 this] edit summary? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:12, 25 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:11, 25 June 2022 (UTC)

== Archive.is ==

Can we add archive.is to the abuse filter? Or whatever domain they're using now. It is commonly abused by GRP and I see no real use of it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:45, 1 July 2022 (UTC)

== Wow! Wow! Wubbzy! ==
The page [[Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!]] is being repeatedly recreated with no quotes. I think page protection is needed. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 16:22, 5 July 2022 (UTC)
:Already done - my first step was to protect it from IP edits...if it continues, will take further steps. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 16:23, 5 July 2022 (UTC)

::Ok, thank you {{u|UDScott}}. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 16:32, 5 July 2022 (UTC)

== Request for Importer ==

&lt;span style=&quot;position: absolute; visibility: hidden;&quot;&gt;@[[User:Aphaia]] @[[User:BD2412]] @[[User:DannyS712]] @[[User:Ferien]] @[[User:GreenMeansGo]] @[[User:Illegitimate Barrister]] @[[User:Jusjih]] @[[User:Kalki]] @[[User:Koavf]] @[[User:Mdd]] @[[User:Miszatomic]] @[[User:Ningauble]] @[[User:Pmlineditor]] @[[User:UDScott]]
&lt;!-- All users after this line are not admins, just want to be pinged. You, yourself, can be added here, too, just add yourself below this line. --&gt;
@[[User:Ilovemydoodle]]&lt;/span&gt;@$[[Special:ListUsers/sysop|AllAdministrators]]: (pinging because the admins don’t seem to check this page often)

I regularly need to import pages from Wikipedia and other wikis, so I am requesting the &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt; right to make this process much easier, provide better attribution, and to allow the reversal, modification, and viewing of pre-import revisions. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:37, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

:As pointed out on my talk, a bureaucrat will need to actually do this. Have you done importing before? Are you willing to do the cleanup necessary (e.g. when there are redlinks)? Can you give an idea of what you'd want to import, as the content pages from Wikipedia will not always be relevant here (tho some of them would be, as there are articles tagged with quotation sections that should be imported)? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:30, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|koavf}} Yes, I have imported hundreds of templates (properly). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:32, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I cannot recall any other requests for this right in the past - and it appears that this can actually only be done by a steward. Per the [[w:Wikipedia:User_access_levels#Importers_and_transwiki_importers|relevant page on WP]], &quot;This access is highly restricted and is only available for assignment to a limited number of very trusted users by stewards following a special community approval discussion.&quot; I don't think that you wishing to have it to make some tasks easier qualifies. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 22:37, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|UDScott}} I am very confused. The option is available already to admins, so why do I need to be more trusted to get a lower-level user right? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:39, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::I just quoted what I read on the subject (as I had to look into it, having never received such a request before) - take it up with a steward if you have an issue, as it does not appear I could grant it to you even if I wanted to. As to your question - admins already go through a special community approval process in order to become admins. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 22:45, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::{{ping|UDScott}} So, admins can be appointed by bureaucrats, but importers have to be appointed by stewards. If so, then why do you have to go through a far-more thorough appointing process to get a lesser user right? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:48, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I don't see that it is any more thorough than that for admins. In both cases, a community discussion is required, it's just different roles that actually grant the permission after said discussion. I'm also not really inclined to say that importing is really a lesser user right - it could certainly be abused in the wrong hands. I am not saying you would abuse it, but I can see why it is not so easily granted. I do still have some reluctance to grant you additional rights anyway, as I still do not understand all that you are trying to do here, and I still maintain that much of your template work is redundant and wasted and steamrolls existing templates already in use. You demonstrate an impatience that in my mind is not compatible with someone with advanced user rights on the site. By the way, you're asking these questions to me as if I was the author of the cited policies - I am not. And I have no idea why any of this was set up this way (other than to be judicious in granting such rights, as I mentioned already). ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 23:04, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::{{ping|UDScott}} Well, my point is not that is or is not a &quot;lesser right&quot;, but that it is not a greater right. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:16, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

== Report concerning Achim110 ==

{{U|Achim110}} is making some weird edits. On [[Wikidata]], {{GENDER:Achim110|he|she|they}} [[Special:Diff/3125691/3141310|replaced the Wikidata logo with a (nonexistent) Wikinews logo]], with several other nonsensical logo edits in between. Some of their other page creations seem to be random copy+pasted “administrative” wikitext; at [[Keir Graff]], they’ve created a purported block review by [[User:Keir Graff]] (whose user page Achim also created, and who also isn’t blocked on English Wikiquote as far as I can tell). Can someone check what’s going on? [[User:Lucas Werkmeister|Lucas Werkmeister]] ([[User talk:Lucas Werkmeister|talk]]) 14:29, 13 July 2022 (UTC)
: This user has been permanently blocked, and a mass deletion of all pages created by the account performed. ~ &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 15:08, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== Edit war ==

There has been an ongoing edit war on [[Sonic the Hedgehog 2]] on whether &quot;Shadow&quot;'s eyes are orange or red. Can this be sorted out? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:05, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done|Solved}} '''&lt;sup&gt;(Hopefully)&lt;/sup&gt;''' by [[User:Koavf|Koavf]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:14, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Crosswiki spammer ==

On the [[:Education in India]] page, please hide the two edits immediately prior to my edit. They contain a spam link being pushed across numerous wikis. Cheers. ['''[[:User:Cromium|&lt;sub&gt;24&lt;/sub&gt;Cr]]''']['''[[:User talk:Cromium|talk]]'''] 12:40, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:53, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

== Finish a deletion nomination ==

Hello, please could someone add [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Formatting]] to the log page for me? I can't do it as an IP because the page has been protected. Thank you! [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 00:21, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:26, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Thanks a bunch, much appreciated.
::If you get a minute could you also add:
::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:N]]
::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:This]]
::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Vote removed]]
::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Strikethrough templates]]
::to the same page? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:40, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{done}} as well. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 20:24, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Could you please also list these four discussions?:
::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:LTADatabase]]
::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:REDACTED]]
::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Always substitute]]
::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:T]]
::::Thank you. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:12, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Forgot to ping you. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:16, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 23:56, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Could you please add these discussions too?
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Change title]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Longquote]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Ping active users]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Bansock]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Banplz]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Welcome-Formatting]]
::::::Thanks! [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:13, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::{{Done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 15:37, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Another batch, if that's OK:
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:First article]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Sandbox link]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Userspace linking templates]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:SpellCheck]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Db-g12]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Db-copyvio-notice]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Category:Suspected Wikipedia sockpuppets of GR&lt;noinclude/&gt;P]] 
::::::::Thanks! [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:17, 24 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:49, 25 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Thanks a bunch, and thanks for adding some of the discussions I just started.
::::::::::In this edit [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Votes_for_deletion&amp;diff=3146967&amp;oldid=3146966] you seem to have accidentally deleted [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Db-copyvio-notice]] while doing some cleanup, please could you re-add it to the list?
::::::::::Also a few more nominations:
::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Uw-afd5]]
::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Ensure AAA contrast ratio]]
::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Templatesnotice]]
::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Closed and Template:Reopen]]
::::::::::Thanks again! [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:02, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Forgot to ping again. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:44, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::{{done}} (and fixed the one I inadvertently deleted). ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 18:42, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

== Broken links in contributions page ==

also, while I'm here, the SUL info link in [[MediaWiki:Sp-contributions-footer]] leads to a deleted tool, and the &quot;supercount&quot; tool has been renamed to xtools and moved to a different domain. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 01:03, 19 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} Thanks. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:28, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
::@[[User:Koavf|Koavf]] Sorry, you seem to have gotten that back to front. The link you removed still works, but it now redirects you to a different site because it was replaced by a new tool. The one that is broken without replacement is the &quot;SUL info&quot; link. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 10:25, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::done}} Whoopsie daisy. Thanks.{ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 10:28, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

== [[User: Eaglestorm]] again ==

This user with a history of being disruptive (just see their [[User talk:Eaglestorm]]) and a permanent block from English WP was recently globally unblocked on a technicality and is back to their [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/Eaglestorm typical antics] of ruthlessly “enforcing” the non-policy, unofficial guideline of [[WQ:LOQ]] via edit warring and being hostile and stubborn when asked to negotiate a solution. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 03:29, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
:here we go. did you even read the stewards report? I'm up to &quot;typical antics&quot; ... YOU'RE PLAIN OBSESSED with taking me down. What nonpolicy are you talking about? The one that's been effective with copyvio for the last 14 years?  --[[User:Eaglestorm|Eaglestorm]] ([[User talk:Eaglestorm|talk]]) 03:33, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
::Yes, you still are being a net negative here. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 03:35, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
::Do you not understand what '''''proposed''''' means here?! [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 03:38, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
:Do you have diffs of edit-warring? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:01, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Dronebogus}} It looks a bit like you saw ES editing, and went around revering their edits across articles, including apparently on a least some article you'd never edited before, meaning you weren't following your watchlist, you were following ES. I guess we can add repeatedly reverting ES on their own talk page.
: So that's not all exactly a pristine position from which to argue about someone else's disruptiveness. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 20:26, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
::I know that, but ES is enforcing a proposed policy in a disruptive manner and is refusing to negotiate even when asked to. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 22:15, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Well, one part inherent in LOQ certainly is policy: that excessively lengthy passages run afoul of copyright. But if you're gonna pick a hill to die on, I'm not sure the right one is ensuring that the article on GAT V includes riveting lines such as &quot;'''Jimmy De Santa''': Go away. '''Michael De Santa''': What?&quot; [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:08, 25 July 2022 (UTC)

== Salt a page title for use in documentation ==

Hello,

I'm planning on re-writing {{tl|redlink}} at some point in the next few days to make the implementation of this template a bit more sensible. As part of that I'd like to set it up so it creates links to a salted page title, rather than a random subpage of the template. Would someone be willing to creation protect a title for this purpose? Something like [[Wikiquote:redlink example]] would work well. I know from experience if you use an unprotected redlink in documentation someone is just going to create the page. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:19, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
* {{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:26, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

== Request to move some templates ==

Hello, I'm working through some template clean-up and have found some pages that I think should be moved. In addition can whoever moves them delete or supress any resulting redirects, as they will not be helpful.

Firstly, can someone please remove the admin level protection from [[Template:error]] and move [[Template:error2]] to this title? There's no real reason for this template to have a number in its title except to get around the page salting (which seems to have been a bit of an overkill response for a single piece of IP vandalism).

Secondly can someone make the following moves, deleting any redirects:
*{{tl|Template:Uw-afd2}} → {{tl|Template:Uw-vfd2}}
*{{tl|Template:Uw-afd3}} → {{tl|Template:Uw-vfd3}}
*{{tl|Template:Uw-afd4}} → {{tl|Template:Uw-vfd4}}
Because there is no such thing as &quot;articles for deletion&quot; on this project. There are no current usages of these templates, so no real need to leave a redirect. I cleaned up the text of these templates a few days ago, but the title still needs to be changed.

Thanks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:31, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} (all four move requests). ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 18:44, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

== Clean-up help needed ==

Hello again, sorry for all the messages.

I need a bit of help cleaning up a bit of a mess I just found via [[Special:WantedCategories]] while cleaning up some template documentation.

It seems that about a month ago Ilovemydoodle tried to rename some categories, which they did by just moving the category page, without updating the actual category links in articles. The moved categories were therefore deleted as empty categories, and the redirects left over from the move (which is where all the actual pages are) were deleted as redirects to a deleted page.

For each of these pages either the category page either needs to be undeleted and moved back to the title where the articles are, or the category page needs to be undeleted and the articles moved to the new category.

List of Category pages and the articles supposed to be in them:
* Category page deleted at [[:Category:People from Pakistan]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Pakistanis]]
* Category page deleted at [[:Category:People from Bahrain]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Bahraini]]
* Category page deleted at [[:Category:People from Burundi]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Burundians]]
* Category page deleted at [[:Category:People from Russia]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Russians]]
* Category page deleted at [[:Category:People from Rwanda]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Rwandans]]
* Category page deleted at [[:Category:People from Senegal]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Senegalese]]
* Category page deleted at [[:Category:People from the Solomon Islands]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Solomon Islanders]]
* Category page deleted at [[:Category:People from Spain]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Spaniards]]
* Category page deleted at [[:Category:People from Swaziland]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Swazi]]
* Category page deleted at [[:Category:People from Türkiye]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Turkish people]]
* Category page deleted at [[:Category:People from Tanzania]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Tanzanians]]
* Category page deleted at [[:Category:People from Thailand]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Thai people]]
* Category page deleted at [[:Category:People from Togo]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Togolese]]
* Category page deleted at [[:Category:People from Taiwan]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Taiwanese people]]
* Category page deleted at [[: Category:People from Tuvalu]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Tuvaluan]]

Thanks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 20:40, 26 July 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>f5bfe22jnj1t66ebyimiui92iojnplw</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147747</id>
      <parentid>3147745</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T20:48:24Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Clean-up help needed */ hmm</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="38503" xml:space="preserve">{{/Header}}
{{User:MABot/config
|archive = Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/%(counter)03d
|algo = old(15d)
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== Madman in Bulldozer on Aisle Five ==

[[File:Bauhaus Marionette Nachbau Der-Bucklige-Frontal.jpg|thumb|the bulldozer operator?]]
:For anyone interested, it should be noted that &quot;HouseofChange&quot; is wildly pushing his (or a puppetmaster's?) POV. All the quotes bulldozed wrecklessly in bulk carte blanche, over the past couple of months  were ALL approved by the regular Admins here months ago. They made zero objections to the material and are  known to scrutinize everything posted here without delay. Suddenly a very loudmouthed newcomer arrived on the set, has over-ruled the judgement of the other admins, and is very heroically, loudly,  rescuing the entire project  from the diabolical work of a villain who slipped hundreds of quotations &amp; new pages into the system while the all guards were sound asleep? Really??!!  What a mystery.  Maybe the bulldozer operator and a few others, are working for corrupt elements of the U.S. Government, knuckleheads who hate the truth &amp; love censorhip, coverups and their skills in the art of deception [[Information Warfare Community|&quot;information dominance&quot;]]???? What happened?  Does wikipedia give refunds to extremely disappointed donors??  May fearful people quit being afraid. May everyone feel the peace that passes understanding.  May God help us all!
* It would probably be more helpful if you just dryly told us what the problem was instead of trying to be so supremely colorful. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 18:43, 25 April 2022 (UTC)

: He seems pretty neutral to me. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 02:05, 10 May 2022 (UTC)

: (EC) Nobody has called the sockmaster &quot;diabolical&quot; or a &quot;villain.&quot;  I am new here but I have been [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Contributions/HouseOfChange&amp;dir=prev&amp;target=HouseOfChange active at Wikipedia since 2014]. My edit history is clear and public. And unfortunately for the sockmaster, their combined edit history is also clear and public, although they tried to hide it by caping their views behind multiethnic identities. So LibraryClerk was the same person as GaneshaSis who was the same person as WASPy-sounding WillSeymoreIII. Military-sounding AlphaBravo2022 was the same person as triply-ethnic Alicia-abdula-mcdonald  (she was for a while giving edit summaries in French.) That's deception. And once LibraryClerk got banned but kept right on posting using other accounts, that's abusive sockpuppetry that gets editors blocked, per longtime policy. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 19:07, 25 April 2022 (UTC)
::@[[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]], you say that your &quot; edit history is clear and public&quot;. but when I try to use Xtools to look at your contribution history I see &lt;blockquote&gt;This user has not opted in to have this data shown. Please either login to XTools as this user, or create User:HouseOfChange/EditCounterOptIn.js with any content. See the documentation for more information.&lt;/blockquote&gt; Would you pease allow wikiquotiens to see your contributions on this wiki by simply clicking '''Supercount''' at the bottom of your contributions page? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 14:19, 24 May 2022 (UTC)
::: What is public and plain is [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/HouseOfChange my contribution history]. (I can see yours and everybody else's that way.) I am not sure what privacy rights I'd be giving away by opting into making my edit counts public, so I don't plan to do that unless for some very good reason. I made very few edits to Wikiquote until this year, so it shouldn't be hard for people to analyze.  [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 18:16, 24 May 2022 (UTC)
::::@[[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]]The analysis of your edits through  Xtools on enwp is available for anyone to see. Are you saying that you trust enwp more than you trust enwq? if so, who is it that you trust less on wikiquote:
::::* Readers
::::* Users
::::* Admins
::::* Visitors from other wmf-projects such as Stewards, Global sysops, swmt members, renamers, etc.
::::* anyone else
::::Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 10:50, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

{{outdent}} I am here to help build WikiQuote, not for drama and personal interactions. I am not interested in continuing this discussion, or any other that doesn't directly bear on WikiQuote. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 12:06, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

:@[[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]], so am I. I  posted my question above because I believe it is very relevant to the health of Wikiquote. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:49, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

:: I disagree, and I have no intention of 1) changing my settings or 2) replying to your dramatic speculation about what my motivations might be. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 13:37, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

== Merge ip edits to user account ==

I have been editing under the ip range of [[Special:Contributions/2603:7080:da3c:7a33::/64|2603:7080:da3c:7a33::/64]], I would like this to be merged to the user account [[User:ilovemydoodle|ilovemydoodle]], Is this possible and if so, can it be done?
{{Collapse bottom}}

== &quot;LibraryClerk&quot; editing from IP ==

This IP is clearly a new sock of &quot;LibraryClerk&quot;: https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/24.42.166.244

Could some admin please block this new sock that is evading LibraryClerk's block? Otherwise Wikiquote will continue to get edits such as [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Corruption&amp;diff=prev&amp;oldid=3118813 this major POV push]. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 07:33, 30 May 2022 (UTC)
* I don't see that this account is registered on any project. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:35, 30 May 2022 (UTC)
** {{re|GreenMeansGo}} I should have given the full name,  [[Special:Contributions/Libraryclerk0191]]. I don't have a link to the  sockpuppet investigation but the aftermath was discussed [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard/Archive/037#Comparison_of_privacy_protection_between_Wikiquote_(WQ)_and_the_English_Wikipedia_(ENWP) here]. Apparently {{u|Vermont}} did a checkuser, because it looked as if LC191 was continuing to edit from other usernames.  Then {{u|Ferien}} blocked LC191's sock accounts identified from the sock check, IIUC. Please somebody block this IP who is CLEARLY the same person, from creating new clean-up problems. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 11:37, 30 May 2022 (UTC)
* {{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:31, 31 May 2022 (UTC)

== Account deletion ==

I have decided to not delete my account, I would like my User Page undeleted, I will be un-redacting comments. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] | [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) {{Ds|{DELETION IN PROGRESS}}} 04:39, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
* {{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:29, 1 June 2022 (UTC)

== Redirect request ==

Can someone please make [[☭]] redirect to [[communism]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] | [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:14, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
: A redirect from what? ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:56, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|UDScott}} From [[☭]] to [[Communism]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:58, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Ah, I see. However, this symbol is on the list of disallowed page titles. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:00, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|UDScott}} That’s why I’m asking for an admin to do it, it exists on Wikipedia. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:01, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:36, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Sockpuppet investigation ==

I think [[Special:contribs/221.120.208.175|221.120.208.175]] might be a Sockpuppet of [[User:GHOSTWORKER|GHOSTWORKER]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:03, 4 June 2022 (UTC)

{{Ds|No I donot Know him 221.120.208.175}}

: ??? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:41, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Link hijacking ==

Admins, do you check links for hijacking? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:49, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

:E.g.? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:36, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
::Like sending a link to malware or some kind of unauthorized Administrator/Bureaucrat action disguised as something else. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:58, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

&lt;s&gt;Could someone please revdel [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Ilovemydoodle&amp;oldid=3111786 this]?&lt;/s&gt; Edit: Done. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:01, 7 June 2022 (UTC)

== LTA horror decade sock strikes again ==

IP user 2600:387:15:630:0:0:0:8 is a LTA talk page vandal sock. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 01:49, 8 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:56, 8 June 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request (2) ==

Could someone please revdel [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Vandalism_in_progress&amp;diff=prev&amp;oldid=3115216&amp;diffmode=source this]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:38, 10 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:10, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
::Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:25, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request (3) ==

Could someone please revdel [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_Smith&amp;oldid=3110155 this]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:04, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{not done}} Revdel should be reserved for particularly egregious material (doxxing, linking to spam, personal insults) and this edit is not that. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:15, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

== Edit filter ==

{{ping|koavf}} Could you add &quot;VVKLOSER&quot; to the Edit Filter? (it's commonly used by GRP) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:51, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{not done}} {{u|Ferien}} Do you want to do this? You have a filter for this abuser and I think you could incorporate it into that one. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:18, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
::{{u|Koavf}}, yep, I'll take a look at that now, probably not too difficult to do. The filter itself is mainly a copy of simplewiki's as his behaviour is almost identical here. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 19:24, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{done}} --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 19:28, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Well it doesn’t seem to be working: VVKLOSER VVKLOSER VVKLOSER VVKLOSER. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:43, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

== Page protection may be needed ==
[[Bubble Guppies]] is being repeatedly recreated with no quotes, page protection may be needed. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:32, 14 June 2022 (UTC)
:Also the same keeps happening with [[Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!]]. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 00:43, 15 June 2022 (UTC)
::Also with [[Yo Gabba Gabba]]‎ and to a lesser extent [[T.U.F.F. Puppy]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:56, 15 June 2022 (UTC)

== Requested move ==

Can an admin move [[Zork Grand Inquisitor]] to [[Zork: Grand Inquisitor]], over the current redirect? Cheers, [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 17:16, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 00:47, 17 June 2022 (UTC)
::Thank you {{u|UDScott}}. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 05:41, 17 June 2022 (UTC)

== Protected move request ==

Could the pages [[Template:Test4]] and [[Template:Test4im]] be swapped? They seem to be the reverse of what they should be (also to be consistent with Wikipedia). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:02, 21 June 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

Could someone revdel [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User:SHUMBH&amp;oldid=3133965 this] edit summary? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:12, 25 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:11, 25 June 2022 (UTC)

== Archive.is ==

Can we add archive.is to the abuse filter? Or whatever domain they're using now. It is commonly abused by GRP and I see no real use of it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:45, 1 July 2022 (UTC)

== Wow! Wow! Wubbzy! ==
The page [[Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!]] is being repeatedly recreated with no quotes. I think page protection is needed. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 16:22, 5 July 2022 (UTC)
:Already done - my first step was to protect it from IP edits...if it continues, will take further steps. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 16:23, 5 July 2022 (UTC)

::Ok, thank you {{u|UDScott}}. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 16:32, 5 July 2022 (UTC)

== Request for Importer ==

&lt;span style=&quot;position: absolute; visibility: hidden;&quot;&gt;@[[User:Aphaia]] @[[User:BD2412]] @[[User:DannyS712]] @[[User:Ferien]] @[[User:GreenMeansGo]] @[[User:Illegitimate Barrister]] @[[User:Jusjih]] @[[User:Kalki]] @[[User:Koavf]] @[[User:Mdd]] @[[User:Miszatomic]] @[[User:Ningauble]] @[[User:Pmlineditor]] @[[User:UDScott]]
&lt;!-- All users after this line are not admins, just want to be pinged. You, yourself, can be added here, too, just add yourself below this line. --&gt;
@[[User:Ilovemydoodle]]&lt;/span&gt;@$[[Special:ListUsers/sysop|AllAdministrators]]: (pinging because the admins don’t seem to check this page often)

I regularly need to import pages from Wikipedia and other wikis, so I am requesting the &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt; right to make this process much easier, provide better attribution, and to allow the reversal, modification, and viewing of pre-import revisions. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:37, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

:As pointed out on my talk, a bureaucrat will need to actually do this. Have you done importing before? Are you willing to do the cleanup necessary (e.g. when there are redlinks)? Can you give an idea of what you'd want to import, as the content pages from Wikipedia will not always be relevant here (tho some of them would be, as there are articles tagged with quotation sections that should be imported)? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:30, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|koavf}} Yes, I have imported hundreds of templates (properly). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:32, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I cannot recall any other requests for this right in the past - and it appears that this can actually only be done by a steward. Per the [[w:Wikipedia:User_access_levels#Importers_and_transwiki_importers|relevant page on WP]], &quot;This access is highly restricted and is only available for assignment to a limited number of very trusted users by stewards following a special community approval discussion.&quot; I don't think that you wishing to have it to make some tasks easier qualifies. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 22:37, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|UDScott}} I am very confused. The option is available already to admins, so why do I need to be more trusted to get a lower-level user right? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:39, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::I just quoted what I read on the subject (as I had to look into it, having never received such a request before) - take it up with a steward if you have an issue, as it does not appear I could grant it to you even if I wanted to. As to your question - admins already go through a special community approval process in order to become admins. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 22:45, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::{{ping|UDScott}} So, admins can be appointed by bureaucrats, but importers have to be appointed by stewards. If so, then why do you have to go through a far-more thorough appointing process to get a lesser user right? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:48, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I don't see that it is any more thorough than that for admins. In both cases, a community discussion is required, it's just different roles that actually grant the permission after said discussion. I'm also not really inclined to say that importing is really a lesser user right - it could certainly be abused in the wrong hands. I am not saying you would abuse it, but I can see why it is not so easily granted. I do still have some reluctance to grant you additional rights anyway, as I still do not understand all that you are trying to do here, and I still maintain that much of your template work is redundant and wasted and steamrolls existing templates already in use. You demonstrate an impatience that in my mind is not compatible with someone with advanced user rights on the site. By the way, you're asking these questions to me as if I was the author of the cited policies - I am not. And I have no idea why any of this was set up this way (other than to be judicious in granting such rights, as I mentioned already). ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 23:04, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::{{ping|UDScott}} Well, my point is not that is or is not a &quot;lesser right&quot;, but that it is not a greater right. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:16, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

== Report concerning Achim110 ==

{{U|Achim110}} is making some weird edits. On [[Wikidata]], {{GENDER:Achim110|he|she|they}} [[Special:Diff/3125691/3141310|replaced the Wikidata logo with a (nonexistent) Wikinews logo]], with several other nonsensical logo edits in between. Some of their other page creations seem to be random copy+pasted “administrative” wikitext; at [[Keir Graff]], they’ve created a purported block review by [[User:Keir Graff]] (whose user page Achim also created, and who also isn’t blocked on English Wikiquote as far as I can tell). Can someone check what’s going on? [[User:Lucas Werkmeister|Lucas Werkmeister]] ([[User talk:Lucas Werkmeister|talk]]) 14:29, 13 July 2022 (UTC)
: This user has been permanently blocked, and a mass deletion of all pages created by the account performed. ~ &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 15:08, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== Edit war ==

There has been an ongoing edit war on [[Sonic the Hedgehog 2]] on whether &quot;Shadow&quot;'s eyes are orange or red. Can this be sorted out? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:05, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done|Solved}} '''&lt;sup&gt;(Hopefully)&lt;/sup&gt;''' by [[User:Koavf|Koavf]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:14, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Crosswiki spammer ==

On the [[:Education in India]] page, please hide the two edits immediately prior to my edit. They contain a spam link being pushed across numerous wikis. Cheers. ['''[[:User:Cromium|&lt;sub&gt;24&lt;/sub&gt;Cr]]''']['''[[:User talk:Cromium|talk]]'''] 12:40, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:53, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

== Finish a deletion nomination ==

Hello, please could someone add [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Formatting]] to the log page for me? I can't do it as an IP because the page has been protected. Thank you! [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 00:21, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:26, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Thanks a bunch, much appreciated.
::If you get a minute could you also add:
::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:N]]
::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:This]]
::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Vote removed]]
::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Strikethrough templates]]
::to the same page? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:40, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{done}} as well. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 20:24, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Could you please also list these four discussions?:
::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:LTADatabase]]
::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:REDACTED]]
::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Always substitute]]
::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:T]]
::::Thank you. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:12, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Forgot to ping you. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:16, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 23:56, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Could you please add these discussions too?
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Change title]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Longquote]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Ping active users]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Bansock]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Banplz]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Welcome-Formatting]]
::::::Thanks! [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:13, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::{{Done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 15:37, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Another batch, if that's OK:
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:First article]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Sandbox link]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Userspace linking templates]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:SpellCheck]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Db-g12]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Db-copyvio-notice]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Category:Suspected Wikipedia sockpuppets of GR&lt;noinclude/&gt;P]] 
::::::::Thanks! [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:17, 24 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:49, 25 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Thanks a bunch, and thanks for adding some of the discussions I just started.
::::::::::In this edit [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Votes_for_deletion&amp;diff=3146967&amp;oldid=3146966] you seem to have accidentally deleted [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Db-copyvio-notice]] while doing some cleanup, please could you re-add it to the list?
::::::::::Also a few more nominations:
::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Uw-afd5]]
::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Ensure AAA contrast ratio]]
::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Templatesnotice]]
::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Closed and Template:Reopen]]
::::::::::Thanks again! [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:02, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Forgot to ping again. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:44, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::{{done}} (and fixed the one I inadvertently deleted). ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 18:42, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

== Broken links in contributions page ==

also, while I'm here, the SUL info link in [[MediaWiki:Sp-contributions-footer]] leads to a deleted tool, and the &quot;supercount&quot; tool has been renamed to xtools and moved to a different domain. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 01:03, 19 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} Thanks. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:28, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
::@[[User:Koavf|Koavf]] Sorry, you seem to have gotten that back to front. The link you removed still works, but it now redirects you to a different site because it was replaced by a new tool. The one that is broken without replacement is the &quot;SUL info&quot; link. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 10:25, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::done}} Whoopsie daisy. Thanks.{ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 10:28, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

== [[User: Eaglestorm]] again ==

This user with a history of being disruptive (just see their [[User talk:Eaglestorm]]) and a permanent block from English WP was recently globally unblocked on a technicality and is back to their [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/Eaglestorm typical antics] of ruthlessly “enforcing” the non-policy, unofficial guideline of [[WQ:LOQ]] via edit warring and being hostile and stubborn when asked to negotiate a solution. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 03:29, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
:here we go. did you even read the stewards report? I'm up to &quot;typical antics&quot; ... YOU'RE PLAIN OBSESSED with taking me down. What nonpolicy are you talking about? The one that's been effective with copyvio for the last 14 years?  --[[User:Eaglestorm|Eaglestorm]] ([[User talk:Eaglestorm|talk]]) 03:33, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
::Yes, you still are being a net negative here. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 03:35, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
::Do you not understand what '''''proposed''''' means here?! [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 03:38, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
:Do you have diffs of edit-warring? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:01, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Dronebogus}} It looks a bit like you saw ES editing, and went around revering their edits across articles, including apparently on a least some article you'd never edited before, meaning you weren't following your watchlist, you were following ES. I guess we can add repeatedly reverting ES on their own talk page.
: So that's not all exactly a pristine position from which to argue about someone else's disruptiveness. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 20:26, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
::I know that, but ES is enforcing a proposed policy in a disruptive manner and is refusing to negotiate even when asked to. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 22:15, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Well, one part inherent in LOQ certainly is policy: that excessively lengthy passages run afoul of copyright. But if you're gonna pick a hill to die on, I'm not sure the right one is ensuring that the article on GAT V includes riveting lines such as &quot;'''Jimmy De Santa''': Go away. '''Michael De Santa''': What?&quot; [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:08, 25 July 2022 (UTC)

== Salt a page title for use in documentation ==

Hello,

I'm planning on re-writing {{tl|redlink}} at some point in the next few days to make the implementation of this template a bit more sensible. As part of that I'd like to set it up so it creates links to a salted page title, rather than a random subpage of the template. Would someone be willing to creation protect a title for this purpose? Something like [[Wikiquote:redlink example]] would work well. I know from experience if you use an unprotected redlink in documentation someone is just going to create the page. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:19, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
* {{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:26, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

== Request to move some templates ==

Hello, I'm working through some template clean-up and have found some pages that I think should be moved. In addition can whoever moves them delete or supress any resulting redirects, as they will not be helpful.

Firstly, can someone please remove the admin level protection from [[Template:error]] and move [[Template:error2]] to this title? There's no real reason for this template to have a number in its title except to get around the page salting (which seems to have been a bit of an overkill response for a single piece of IP vandalism).

Secondly can someone make the following moves, deleting any redirects:
*{{tl|Template:Uw-afd2}} → {{tl|Template:Uw-vfd2}}
*{{tl|Template:Uw-afd3}} → {{tl|Template:Uw-vfd3}}
*{{tl|Template:Uw-afd4}} → {{tl|Template:Uw-vfd4}}
Because there is no such thing as &quot;articles for deletion&quot; on this project. There are no current usages of these templates, so no real need to leave a redirect. I cleaned up the text of these templates a few days ago, but the title still needs to be changed.

Thanks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:31, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} (all four move requests). ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 18:44, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

== Clean-up help needed ==

Hello again, sorry for all the messages.

I need a bit of help cleaning up a bit of a mess I just found via [[Special:WantedCategories]] while cleaning up some template documentation.

It seems that about a month ago Ilovemydoodle tried to rename some categories, which they did by just moving the category page, without updating the actual category links in articles. The moved categories were therefore deleted as empty categories, and the redirects left over from the move (which is where all the actual pages are) were deleted as redirects to a deleted page.

For each of these pages either the category page either needs to be undeleted and moved back to the title where the articles are, or the category page needs to be undeleted and the articles moved to the new category.

List of Category pages and the articles supposed to be in them:
* Category page deleted at [[:Category:People from Pakistan]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Pakistanis]]
* Category page deleted at [[:Category:People from Bahrain]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Bahraini]]
* Category page deleted at [[:Category:People from Burundi]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Burundians]]
* Category page deleted at [[:Category:People from Russia]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Russians]]
* Category page deleted at [[:Category:People from Rwanda]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Rwandans]]
* Category page deleted at [[:Category:People from Senegal]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Senegalese]]
* Category page deleted at [[:Category:People from the Solomon Islands]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Solomon Islanders]]
* Category page deleted at [[:Category:People from Spain]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Spaniards]]
* Category page deleted at [[:Category:People from Swaziland]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Swazi]]
* Category page deleted at [[:Category:People from Türkiye]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Turkish people]]
* Category page deleted at [[:Category:People from Tanzania]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Tanzanians]]
* Category page deleted at [[:Category:People from Thailand]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Thai people]]
* Category page deleted at [[:Category:People from Togo]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Togolese]]
* Category page deleted at [[:Category:People from Taiwan]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Taiwanese people]]
* Category page deleted at [[: Category:People from Tuvalu]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Tuvaluan]]

Thanks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 20:40, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Ilovemydoodle}} You can't just move categories like that. The cat page is just a dumbly compiled automatic list. The thing that actually puts the page in the category is on each article individually. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 20:48, 26 July 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>o7x17bw0y2tn9ryjmvshdy5zqyn3606</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Template:Harvnb/doc</title>
    <ns>10</ns>
    <id>116588</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147897</id>
      <parentid>2859666</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T23:28:49Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Not protected</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="5684" xml:space="preserve">&lt;includeonly&gt;{{template doc page transcluded}}&lt;/includeonly&gt;&lt;noinclude&gt;{{template doc page viewed directly}}&lt;/noinclude&gt;
&lt;!-- EDIT TEMPLATE DOCUMENTATION BELOW THIS LINE --&gt;
==Usage==
: &lt;kbd&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;{{&lt;/nowiki&gt;Harvard citation no brackets|''Last name of author(s)''|''Year''| loc=''Location in the text''}}&lt;/kbd&gt;
or
: &lt;kbd&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;{{&lt;/nowiki&gt;Harvnb|''Last name of author(s)''|''Year''| loc=''Location in the text''}}&lt;/kbd&gt;

Instead of using the optional &lt;kbd&gt;loc&lt;/kbd&gt; parameter, you may use one of the following parameters:

*&lt;kbd&gt;p=''page''&lt;/kbd&gt;
*&lt;kbd&gt;pp=''pages''&lt;/kbd&gt;

;Usage notes 
*The first parameter is the author's last name.
*Up to four authors can be given as parameters (see the examples). If there are more than 4 authors only the first 4 should be listed; listing more will cause odd things to happen.
*The next parameter is the year of publication.
*The &lt;kbd&gt;loc=&lt;/kbd&gt; parameter is the location of the cited material within the reference. This parameter is optional.
*The &lt;kbd&gt;p=&lt;/kbd&gt; is an optional page parameter; thus &quot;&lt;kbd&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;{{Harvnb|Smith|2006| p=25}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/kbd&gt;&quot; yields &quot;{{Harvnb|Smith|2006|p=25}}&quot;.
*The &lt;kbd&gt;pp=&lt;/kbd&gt; parameter is an optional page range parameter; thus &quot;&lt;kbd&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;{{Harvnb|Smith|2006| pp=25&amp;amp;ndash;26}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/kbd&gt;&quot; yields &quot;{{Harvnb|Smith|2006|pp=25–26}}&quot;.
*The &lt;kbd&gt;Ref=&lt;/kbd&gt; parameter is used to specify the reference value that links the short citation to the full citation. This parameter is optional and is usually not necessary. If you specify &lt;kbd&gt;Ref=none&lt;/kbd&gt; no hyperlink is created. (See the [[#Examples|examples]].)
*To include brackets surrounding the citation, use {{tl2|Harvard citation}} or {{tl2|Harv}}.
*To use the author name(s) in the text, use {{tl2|Harvard citation text}} or {{tl2|Harvtxt}}.
*For more complicated Harvard citations with multiple links use {{tl2|Harvard citations}} or its abbreviation {{tl2|harvs}}.
*For authors who have published more than one work in the same year, the standard way to differentiate such works is to put a lowercase letter after the year. For example, &quot;&lt;kbd&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;{{Harvnb|Smith|2007a| p=25}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/kbd&gt;&quot; yields &quot;{{Harvnb|Smith|2007a| p=25}}&quot; and &quot;&lt;kbd&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;{{Harvnb|Smith|2007b| p=37}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/kbd&gt;&quot; yields &quot;{{Harvnb|Smith|2007b| p=37}}&quot;
*A space before or after the author name or before the year ''is'' significant; they produce an underscore in the hyperlink. So, &quot;&lt;kbd&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;{{Harvnb|Smith| 2006| p=25}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/kbd&gt;&quot; yields &quot;{{Harvnb|Smith| 2006| p=25}}&quot; which links to #CITEREFSmith_2006.
*When using [[:Category:Citation templates|citation templates]] such as &lt;kbd&gt;{{tl|cite book}}&lt;/kbd&gt; for references, include the parameter &lt;kbd&gt;ref=harv&lt;/kbd&gt; to add the target of the footnote link to each reference.

==Examples==
:{| class=&quot;wikitable&quot;
|-
! Code
! Result
|-
|&lt;kbd&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;{{Harvard citation no brackets|Smith|2006| loc=ch. 10}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/kbd&gt;
|{{Harvard citation no brackets|Smith|2006| loc=ch. 10}}
|-
|&lt;kbd&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;{{Harvnb|Smith|2006| p=25}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/kbd&gt;
|{{Harvnb|Smith|2006| p=25}}
|-
|&lt;kbd&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;{{Harvnb|Smith|2006| pp=25–26}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/kbd&gt;
|{{Harvnb|Smith|2006| pp=25–26}}
|-
|&lt;kbd&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;{{Harvnb|Smith|2006| pp=25–26 | Ref=none}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/kbd&gt;
|{{Harvnb|Smith|2006| pp=25–26 | Ref=none}}
|-
|&lt;kbd&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;{{Harvnb|Smith|2007a| p=25}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/kbd&gt;
|{{Harvnb|Smith|2007a| p=25}}
|-
|&lt;kbd&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;{{Harvnb|Smith|2007b| p=37}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/kbd&gt;
|{{Harvnb|Smith|2007b| p=37}}
|-
|&lt;kbd&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;{{Harvnb|Smith|Jones|Brown|2008 | p=25}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/kbd&gt;
|{{Harvnb|Smith|Jones|Brown|2008| p=25}}
|-
|&lt;kbd&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;{{Harvnb|Smith|Jones|Brown|Black|2009 | p=25}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/kbd&gt;
|{{Harvnb|Smith|Jones|Brown|Black|2009| p=25}}
|}

;Full references for examples
The following references are provided as targets for the {{tl|Harvnb}} templates used in the examples above. If you click on a link in the '''Result''' column, the browser will highlight the proper entry below and scroll to the page to make it visible.

* {{cite book |last=Smith |first=John |year=2006 |title=His First Book |ref=harv}}
* {{cite book |last=Smith |first=John |year=2007a |title=His Second Book |ref=harv}}
* {{cite book |last=Smith |first=John |year=2007b |title=His Third Book |ref=harv}}
* {{cite book |last=Smith |first=John |year=2008 |last2=Jones |first2=Ann |last3=Brown |first3=Shelby |title=Multiple Authors Example Book One |ref=harv}}
* {{cite book |last=Smith |first=John |year=2009 |last2=Jones |first2=Ann |last3=Brown |first3=Shelby |last4=Black |first4=Joseph |title=Multiple Authors Example Book Two |ref=harv}}

==Purpose==
When using [[WP:Parenthetical referencing|parenthetical referencing]] there are some situations in which it is undesirable to surround the citation with brackets. Also, Harvnb is sometimes used with [[WP:Inline citation|inline citations]] (&lt;kbd&gt;&amp;lt;ref&amp;gt;…&amp;lt;/ref&amp;gt;&lt;/kbd&gt;) to create short footnotes in a '''Notes''' section that link to full footnotes in a '''References''' section.

;Multiple citations
A useful example of the Harvard no brackets template is when creating multiple cites using different pages of the same book. For a worked example, see [[User:RexxS/Cite_multiple_pages]].

==See also==
* [[:Template:Harvard citation]]
* [[:Template:sfn]]
&lt;includeonly&gt;
{{esoteric}}

&lt;!-- ADD CATEGORIES BELOW THIS LINE --&gt;
[[Category:Citation templates|{{PAGENAME}}]]

&lt;!-- ADD INTERWIKIS BELOW THIS LINE --&gt;
[[fr:Modèle:Référence Harvard sans parenthèses]]
[[da:Skabelon:Harvnb]]
[[es:Plantilla:Harvsp]]
[[ja:Template:Harvnb]]
[[ko:틀:Harvnb]]
[[nl:Sjabloon:Harvnb]]
[[no:Mal:Harvnb]]
[[ro:Format:Harvnb]]
[[sl:Predloga:Harvardski navedek brez oklepajev]]
[[sv:Mall:Harvnb]]
&lt;/includeonly&gt;</text>
      <sha1>b7xr6gnhmz4tet7a77zdjv983bx73x6</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Mallika Sherawat</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>118488</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3148032</id>
      <parentid>2926457</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T07:56:31Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Spinoziano</username>
        <id>304780</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>+1, typo</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="3755" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Mallika Sherawat at White House Correspondents Dinner.jpg|thumb|To undress is the dress code these days and I didn't start it. We are all voyeurs, so why the complaints? Until girls don't walk in a swimsuit on the stage they don't get the crown so why is everyone so holier-than-thou?]]
'''[[w:Mallika Sherawat|Reema Lamba]]''' (born 24 October 1976), better known as '''Mallika Sherawat''', is an Indian actress who predominantly works in Hindi language films.

==Quotes==
*To undress is the dress code these days and I didn't start it. We are all voyeurs, so why the complaints? Until girls don't walk in a swimsuit on the stage they don't get the crown so why is everyone so holier-than-thou?
** {{cite web|title=The Babe with Balls|url=http://www.binabakshi.com/journalism.htm|author=Bina Bakshi|date=May 2004}}

* I may not be here to titillate, but I am not sorry if I have that edge. People aren't coming to the theaters to see me in a [[burqa]]
** ''Movie Mag International'' (September 2004)

* I would like to say I handle criticism well. In fact I enjoy reading the comments of the critics. It's great to have critics blasting you all the time. It keeps you on your toes, spurs you, challenges you, makes you want to get better. I take everything positively. There's so much to learn and do.
** ''Movie Mag International'' (September 2004)

* If a chemical drug like Viagra is accepted by society and by the world to ignite desire, then what is the problem with my audio-visual drug called cinema which ignites desire? Both are basically doing the same thing!
** ''Cine Blitz'' magazine (May 2006)

* I think a woman who's confident, who's aware of her own abilities and her own limitations and who accepts gracefully failure as part of her life. All this combination makes a beautiful woman.
** {{cite web|title=The Quest for beauty|url=http://edition.cnn.com/2005/WORLD/europe/10/01/quest/index.html|date=June 16 2006}}

* I am indeed [[Vegetarianism|veg]] and proud of it! How do you think I maintain this body figure?
** When a fan asked Mallika on her Twitter page if she was a vegetarian; as quoted in [https://web.archive.org/web/20121001155636/http://www.ndtv.com/photos/entertainment/anupama-verma-sizzles-for-peta-574/slide/10 &quot;Sexiest Veggies&quot;], {{w|NDTV.com}} (October 1, 2012).

=== ''Cine Bliitz'' magazine (July 2005) ===
Mallika Sherawat in: ''Cine Blitz'' magazine (July  2005)

* Who cares what people say about me? I am right on the ball. And I don't think one should take oneself too seriously. Be like the laughing Buddha, I always say, smile through life! It will immediately look better! 
 
* I never wanted to belong to a crowd. I never had a herd mentality... I always knew what I wanted and I made sure I got it. And I always knew that I wanted to be an actress. I exist because I can act. I will not sit here and say, 'Arrey, by chance, offer aa gaya' (I got the offer by chance). No, I made acting happen to me. The first opportunity I got to act, I grabbed it. Nobody had even heard of me till a couple of years ago. But it's by sheer hard work and focus that I am here. Also, I think I chose the right scripts. Like [[Robert De Niro]] says, 'Talent is in the choice you make!'.
 
* Isn't it great that I evoke a reaction from people? Whether it is good or bad is secondary. The thing is that I like being myself. I find it very tiresome to put up a fake smile, say the right things, and be diplomatic. It's just not in my personality to be like that.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
*[http://www.mallikasherawatwow.com Official website]
*{{imdb name|id=1324246|name=Mallika Sherawat}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Sherawat, Mallika}}
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Actresses from India]]
[[Category:1976 births]]</text>
      <sha1>rt7in8mynrtgfw2xb6mld9b6tskw13y</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3148033</id>
      <parentid>3148032</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T07:59:31Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Spinoziano</username>
        <id>304780</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>fix link, category</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="3779" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Mallika Sherawat at White House Correspondents Dinner.jpg|thumb|To undress is the dress code these days and I didn't start it. We are all voyeurs, so why the complaints? Until girls don't walk in a swimsuit on the stage they don't get the crown so why is everyone so holier-than-thou?]]
'''[[w:Mallika Sherawat|Reema Lamba]]''' (born 24 October 1976), better known as '''Mallika Sherawat''', is an Indian actress who predominantly works in Hindi language films.

==Quotes==
*To undress is the dress code these days and I didn't start it. We are all voyeurs, so why the complaints? Until girls don't walk in a swimsuit on the stage they don't get the crown so why is everyone so holier-than-thou?
** {{cite web|title=The Babe with Balls|url=http://www.binabakshi.com/journalism.htm|author=Bina Bakshi|date=May 2004}}

* I may not be here to titillate, but I am not sorry if I have that edge. People aren't coming to the theaters to see me in a [[burqa]]
** ''Movie Mag International'' (September 2004)

* I would like to say I handle criticism well. In fact I enjoy reading the comments of the critics. It's great to have critics blasting you all the time. It keeps you on your toes, spurs you, challenges you, makes you want to get better. I take everything positively. There's so much to learn and do.
** ''Movie Mag International'' (September 2004)

* If a chemical drug like Viagra is accepted by society and by the world to ignite desire, then what is the problem with my audio-visual drug called cinema which ignites desire? Both are basically doing the same thing!
** ''Cine Blitz'' magazine (May 2006)

* I think a woman who's confident, who's aware of her own abilities and her own limitations and who accepts gracefully failure as part of her life. All this combination makes a beautiful woman.
** {{cite web|title=The Quest for beauty|url=http://edition.cnn.com/2005/WORLD/europe/10/01/quest/index.html|date=June 16 2006}}

* I am indeed [[Vegetarianism|veg]] and proud of it! How do you think I maintain this body figure?
** When a fan asked Mallika on her Twitter page if she was a vegetarian; as quoted in [https://web.archive.org/web/20121001155713/http://www.ndtv.com/photos/entertainment/anupama-verma-sizzles-for-peta-574/slide/7 &quot;Sexiest Veggies&quot;], {{w|NDTV.com}} (October 1, 2012).

=== ''Cine Bliitz'' magazine (July 2005) ===
Mallika Sherawat in: ''Cine Blitz'' magazine (July  2005)

* Who cares what people say about me? I am right on the ball. And I don't think one should take oneself too seriously. Be like the laughing Buddha, I always say, smile through life! It will immediately look better! 
 
* I never wanted to belong to a crowd. I never had a herd mentality... I always knew what I wanted and I made sure I got it. And I always knew that I wanted to be an actress. I exist because I can act. I will not sit here and say, 'Arrey, by chance, offer aa gaya' (I got the offer by chance). No, I made acting happen to me. The first opportunity I got to act, I grabbed it. Nobody had even heard of me till a couple of years ago. But it's by sheer hard work and focus that I am here. Also, I think I chose the right scripts. Like [[Robert De Niro]] says, 'Talent is in the choice you make!'.
 
* Isn't it great that I evoke a reaction from people? Whether it is good or bad is secondary. The thing is that I like being myself. I find it very tiresome to put up a fake smile, say the right things, and be diplomatic. It's just not in my personality to be like that.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
*[http://www.mallikasherawatwow.com Official website]
*{{imdb name|id=1324246|name=Mallika Sherawat}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Sherawat, Mallika}}
[[Category:1976 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Actresses from India]]
[[Category:Vegetarians]]</text>
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      <text bytes="4385" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Mallika Sherawat at White House Correspondents Dinner.jpg|thumb|To undress is the dress code these days and I didn't start it. We are all voyeurs, so why the complaints? Until girls don't walk in a swimsuit on the stage they don't get the crown so why is everyone so holier-than-thou?]]
'''[[w:Mallika Sherawat|Reema Lamba]]''' (born 24 October 1976), better known as '''Mallika Sherawat''', is an Indian actress who predominantly works in Hindi language films.

==Quotes==
*To undress is the dress code these days and I didn't start it. We are all voyeurs, so why the complaints? Until girls don't walk in a swimsuit on the stage they don't get the crown so why is everyone so holier-than-thou?
** {{cite web|title=The Babe with Balls|url=http://www.binabakshi.com/journalism.htm|author=Bina Bakshi|date=May 2004}}

* I may not be here to titillate, but I am not sorry if I have that edge. People aren't coming to the theaters to see me in a [[burqa]]
** ''Movie Mag International'' (September 2004)

* I would like to say I handle criticism well. In fact I enjoy reading the comments of the critics. It's great to have critics blasting you all the time. It keeps you on your toes, spurs you, challenges you, makes you want to get better. I take everything positively. There's so much to learn and do.
** ''Movie Mag International'' (September 2004)

* If a chemical drug like Viagra is accepted by society and by the world to ignite desire, then what is the problem with my audio-visual drug called cinema which ignites desire? Both are basically doing the same thing!
** ''Cine Blitz'' magazine (May 2006)

* I think a woman who's confident, who's aware of her own abilities and her own limitations and who accepts gracefully failure as part of her life. All this combination makes a beautiful woman.
** {{cite web|title=The Quest for beauty|url=http://edition.cnn.com/2005/WORLD/europe/10/01/quest/index.html|date=June 16 2006}}

* I am indeed [[Vegetarianism|veg]] and proud of it! How do you think I maintain this body figure?
** When a fan asked Mallika on her Twitter page if she was a vegetarian; as quoted in [https://web.archive.org/web/20121001155713/http://www.ndtv.com/photos/entertainment/anupama-verma-sizzles-for-peta-574/slide/7 &quot;Sexiest Veggies&quot;], {{w|NDTV.com}} (October 1, 2012).

* [[Veganism]] is not a fad, it's a healthy, lifestyle choice. … Yes I have a lot of plans to promote veganism in India. I’m joining hands with a friend’s restaurant to introduce vegan offerings to the Indian palate. I plan to rope in international chefs to whip up some delicious dishes. Once people see how nutritious and delicious vegan food can be, they’ll switch to a healthier dairy-free lifestyle.
** [https://www.bollywoodhungama.com/news/bollywood/mallika-sherawat-promote-veganism-india/ &quot;Mallika Sherawat to promote veganism in India&quot;], {{w|Bollywood Hungama}} (April 11, 2018).

=== ''Cine Bliitz'' magazine (July 2005) ===
Mallika Sherawat in: ''Cine Blitz'' magazine (July  2005)

* Who cares what people say about me? I am right on the ball. And I don't think one should take oneself too seriously. Be like the laughing Buddha, I always say, smile through life! It will immediately look better! 
 
* I never wanted to belong to a crowd. I never had a herd mentality... I always knew what I wanted and I made sure I got it. And I always knew that I wanted to be an actress. I exist because I can act. I will not sit here and say, 'Arrey, by chance, offer aa gaya' (I got the offer by chance). No, I made acting happen to me. The first opportunity I got to act, I grabbed it. Nobody had even heard of me till a couple of years ago. But it's by sheer hard work and focus that I am here. Also, I think I chose the right scripts. Like [[Robert De Niro]] says, 'Talent is in the choice you make!'.
 
* Isn't it great that I evoke a reaction from people? Whether it is good or bad is secondary. The thing is that I like being myself. I find it very tiresome to put up a fake smile, say the right things, and be diplomatic. It's just not in my personality to be like that.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
*[http://www.mallikasherawatwow.com Official website]
*{{imdb name|id=1324246|name=Mallika Sherawat}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Sherawat, Mallika}}
[[Category:1976 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Actresses from India]]
[[Category:Veganism activists]]</text>
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    <title>User:Matthewrb/Sandbox/Code Lyoko</title>
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      <text bytes="10287" xml:space="preserve">  I'm revising this article to conform it to Wikiquote's quality standards.  
  The original article can be found here: [[Code Lyoko]]

[[w:Code Lyoko|Code Lyoko]] was a [[w:French|French]] animation series that aired on [[w:Cartoon Network|Cartoon Network]] from 2004 through 2007.  

[[w:List of Code Lyoko episodes| Full list of episodes]]
== Prequel: X.A.N.A. Awakens ==
=== X.A.N.A. Awakens: Part 1 ===
:'''Jeremy (Voice Over)''': &quot;That night, even though I was scarred stiff, I decided to start up the computer.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Jeremy''': &quot;I hope I'm not going to regret this in a minute.  OK, go!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Jeremy''': &quot;Now, let's see what you've got under the hood, my friend.&quot; (referring to the computer)
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Jeremy''': (Sitting down to the mainframe) &quot;Artificial Intelligence, can you hear me?&quot;
:'''Aelita''': &quot;Yes, but would you mind calling me something else, please?&quot;
:'''Jeremy''': &quot;OK, how do you like the name 'Maya'?&quot;
:'''Aelita''': &quot;Maya, I like that.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Jeremy''': &quot;Maya, there's not just a forest out there, there's an entire world!  I count four sectors.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Jeremy''': &quot;It's actually a supercomputer.  It's ultra powerful.  And while I was examining it, I saw that it runs a virtual universe called Lyoko.
:'''Ulrich''': &quot;You know what, Belpois, this morning's electric shock fried your brain.  This thing is just the control center of the factory, that's all.&quot;
:(Jeremy types, and Aelita appears on the screen)
:'''Jeremy''': &quot;Oh, yeah?  And what would you call this, huh?  A program for spray painting doors?&quot;
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Jeremy''': &quot;In fact, the supercomputer analyzes you're molecular structure through these cabins and then breaks down your atoms before digitalizing them and recreating a digital incarnation in the virtual world.&quot;
:'''Ulrich''': &quot;In English?&quot;
:'''Jeremy''': &quot;You go inside the cabin, and you're teleported to the virtual world.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Jeremy''': &quot;Odd Della Robbia?&quot;
:'''Odd''': &quot;Who's calling me?&quot;
:'''Jeremy''': &quot;It's me, Jeremy Belpois.&quot;
:'''Odd''': &quot;Is this a joke or something?&quot;
:'''Jeremy''': &quot;Uh, no.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Odd''': (Hit by a laser) &quot;Uh!  That's a lot less cool.  There are these giant cockroaches attacking, is that normal?&quot;
:'''Jeremy''': &quot;Yeah&quot;
:'''Odd''': &quot;Oh, nothing to worry about, then.&quot;
:'''Jeremy''': &quot;That's not what I meant.  You've gotta get out of there.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Ulrich''': &quot;Great, at least we're alive.&quot;
:'''Odd''': &quot;Alive?  Well, if you say so.  I think I'm about to throw up.&quot;

=== X.A.N.A. Awakens: Part 2 ===
:'''Odd''': &quot;Einstein, you're a genius!  You're return to the past, it worked!&quot;
:'''Jeremy''': &quot;What's that?  What are you talking about?&quot;
:'''Odd''': &quot;You haven't forgotten about the supercomputer and Lyoko and my big purple cat costume, huh?&quot;
:'''Jeremy''': &quot;You know all about Lyoko?  But how come?&quot;
:'''Yumi''': &quot;That's weird.  It looks like the return in time didn't quite work on him.&quot;
:'''Ulrich''': &quot;Come on, we're gonna fill you in.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Jeremy''': &quot;But, Maya ...&quot;
:'''Aelita''': &quot;Aelita.  When I went into the tower, I remembered my name.&quot;
:'''Jeremy''': &quot;Aelita.  That's even better than Maya.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Yumi''': &quot;Hi. Well, find anything?&quot;
:'''Jeremy''': &quot;Yes.  X.A.N.A.&quot;
:'''Odd''': &quot;X.A.N.A.?  What's that?&quot;
:'''Aelita''': &quot;A super dangerous program, like a virus, which can control electricity and it activates towers on Lyoko to gain access to your world.&quot;
:'''Yumi''': &quot;So the red tower, the electricity monster, the weird symbol, the monsters on Lyoko.  All that was X.A.N.A.?&quot;
:'''Jeremy''': &quot;Yes.  Only Aelita can counter it by deactivating the tower that it uses for attacks in the real world.&quot;

== Season 1 ==

=== Teddygodzilla ===
:'''Ulrich''': Sissy really did come on strong.  If meanness is one of the qualities of a beauty queen, she'll get re-elected all right.
:'''Jeremy''': Yeah, but try to get Mrs. World to see that.
:'''Odd''': (into microphone) Mrs. World, huh?  Mrs. In-her-own-world is more like it.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sissy''': (To Herve and Nicolas) Hey, I hope you two aren't gonna follow me around all day long.  As far as I know, you're not Beauticians, so stop sticking to me like glue.  I don't need you, understand?  So scat.
:'''Herve''': Sissy, we thought …
:'''Sissy''': Take this advice.  Don't think, it doesn't suit you.

=== Seeing Is Believing ===
:'''Aelita''': Hi!  Is something wrong, Jeremy?  You know, if you ever have a problem, you can always talk to me about it.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Yumi''': Nuclear Sabotage. That's a little over our heads, wouldn't you say?
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Jeremy''': Great you guys!  The energy is super-nuclear.  You're gonna make this town explode.

=== Holiday in the Fog ===
:'''Sissy''': It's no use, we're finished.
:'''Jim''': No, no.  Be brave now.  Jeremy can't be far away.  He'll help us out of this. 
:'''Sissy''':  Jeremy? That's pretty re-assuring.  It's nice to know that the closest thing to Bruce Willis is coming to the rescue.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sissy''': I only stayed at school to find out the secret of Jeremy and his friends because, the truth is, that I've been wanting to be part of their group for ages but it seems so hopeless.  Do you understand what I mean?
:'''Jim''': Huh?  No. All I understand is there's no ventilation in here.  We're gonna run out of oxygen soon.
:'''Sissy''': I'd better stop talking then.  Right.  I can take a hint.  
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Odd''': (talking to a Roachster) Hey you.  Yeah.  That's right.  You.

=== Log Book ===
:'''Jim''': Take a look, Odd.  Not bad, huh?  This bus is the latest in modern technology.  It's electricity driven so it's non-polluting but powerful, too.  
:'''Odd''': Electric and powerful, too, huh?  I'll bet this crate goes about as fast as a snail.  
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Yumi''': No wait, this is too easy.  Coming all this way without seeing even one monster, there's gotta be a trap.
:(Sandstorm appears)
:'''Aelita''': A Sandstorm!
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Yumi''': Jeremy, we've got a problem here.
:'''Jeremy''': Make that two.  There's a monster behind you!

=== Big Bug ===
:'''Odd''': Oh, no, no, no!  As if we didn't have enough problems.  
:'''Jim''': So, it seems you've forgot the rules here at school, huh?  Pets are not allowed!  
:'''Odd''': Yeah, we know that, Jim.  But you're not gonna make a big deal out of a little dog, are you?  
:'''Jim''': That's for the principle to decide.  Follow me.   

=== Cruel Dilemma ===
:'''Yumi''': What's Einstein up too, anyway?
:'''Odd''': The usual.  He's glued to his computer screen in a big cyber conversation with his darling Aelita.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Jeremy''': Oh, no.  You're such a cosmic creep.  Now look what you've done!  Those keys are incredibly sensitive.  
:'''Odd''': Ok, ok.  A little piece of candy's not gonna wreak you're keyboard.  
:'''Jeremy''': (Looks at computer) That's crazy.  This is really mega-insane.  (Runs Materialization Program) Yes!  It works!  Odd, you're a genus!
:'''Odd''': Hey, make up you're mind.  Am I a genius or a creep?
:'''Jeremy''': You're a creepy genius.  
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt; 
:'''Odd''': No need to look any further, guys.  This time he picked a real winner.  He's attacking us with Bulldozers.  Nice going, X.A.N.A., How subtle can you get?
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Jeremy''': As for Ulrich, let's just say he's fast asleep.  
:'''Odd''': He is?  That must be tough.  At least, without his earplugs.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Yumi''': Candy can fix anything, even a broken heart.

=== Image Problem ===
:'''Odd''': (talking about the Yumi clone X.A.N.A. sent to Earth) She wasn't that different from the original.
:'''Jeremy''': She didn't fool me.  I saw the difference.  I mean, as soon as she started to flirt with me.
:'''Yumi''': Really? (begins to flirt with Jeremy in the same manner as the clone)

=== End of Take ===

=== Satellite ===

=== Girl of the Dreams ===

=== Plagued ===

=== Swarming Attack ===

=== Just in Time ===

=== The Trap ===

=== Laughing Fit ===

=== Claustrophobia ===

=== Amnesia ===

=== Killer Music ===

=== Frontier ===

=== The Robots ===

=== Zero Gravity Zone ===

=== Routine ===

=== Rock Bottom? ===

=== Ghost Channel ===

=== Code: Earth ===

=== False Start ===


== Season 2 ==

=== New Order ===

=== Unchartered Territory ===

=== Exploration ===

=== A Great Day ===

=== Mister Pück ===

=== Saint Valentine's Day ===

=== Final Mix ===

=== Missing Link ===

=== The Chips are Down ===

=== Marabounta ===

=== Common Interest ===

=== Temptation ===

=== A Bad Turn ===

=== Attack of the Zombies ===

=== Ultimatum ===

=== A Fine Mess ===

=== XANA's Kiss ===

=== Vertigo ===

=== Cold War ===

=== Deja Vu ===

=== Tip-Top Shape ===

=== Is Anybody Out There? ===

=== Franz Hopper ===

=== Contact ===

=== Revelation ===

=== The Key ===


== Season 3 ==

=== Straight to Heart ===

=== Lyoko Minus One ===

=== Tidal Wave ===

=== False Lead ===

=== Aelita ===

=== The Pretender ===

=== The Secret ===

=== Temporary Insanity ===

=== Sabotage ===

=== Nobody In Particular ===

=== Triple Trouble ===

=== Double Trouble ===

=== Final Round ===


== Season 4 ==

=== William Returns ===

=== Double Take ===

=== Opening Act ===

=== Wreck Room ===

=== Skidbladnir ===

=== Maiden Voyage ===

=== Crash Course ===

=== Replika ===

=== I'd Rather Not Talk About It ===

=== Hot Shower ===

=== The Lake ===

=== Lost at Sea ===

=== Laboratory Rat ===

=== Bragging Rights ===

=== Dog Day Afternoon ===

=== A Lack of Goodwill ===

=== Distant Memory ===

=== Hard Luck ===

=== Guided Missile ===

=== Kadic Bombshell ===

=== Canine Conundrum ===

=== A Space Oddity ===

=== Cousins Once Removed ===

=== Music soothes the Savage Beast ===

=== Wrong Exposure ===

=== Bad Connection ===

=== Cold Sweat ===

=== Down to Earth ===

=== Fight to the Finish ===

=== Echoes ===

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Code Lyoko}}
* {{imdb title|id=0417311|title=Code Lyoko}}
* [http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v80/Karoru/CodeLyoko/ Super Karoru's Code Lyoko Image Gallery]
* [http://www.codelyokoforums.com/ Code Lyoko Forums, Videos, Games and More]
{{unsourced|article}}


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      <text bytes="16791" xml:space="preserve">[[File:houses.of.parliament.overall.arp.jpg|thumb|right|300px|The Houses of Parliament, seen over Westminster Bridge]]

The '''[[w:Parliament of the United Kingdom|Parliament of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland]]''' (commonly referred to as the '''British Parliament''', the '''Westminster Parliament''' or, formerly, the '''Imperial Parliament''') is the supreme [[w:legislature|legislative body]] in the [[United Kingdom]]. and [[British Empire|British overseas territories]], located in [[London]]. Parliament alone possesses legislative supremacy and thereby ultimate power over all other political bodies in the UK and its territories. At its head is the Sovereign, [[Queen Elizabeth II]]. Parliament traces its origins to the feudal council introduced in 1066 by [[William I of England|William of Normandy]], by which he sought the advice of a council of tenants-in-chief and ecclesiastics before making laws. In 1215, the tenants-in-chief secured ''[[Magna Carta]]'' from [[w:John of England|King John]], which established that the king may not levy or collect any [[Taxation|taxes]] (except the feudal taxes to which they were hitherto accustomed), save with the consent of his royal council, which gradually developed into a parliament.

== Quotes ==

* Living proof that a pig's bladder on the end of a stick can be elected to Parliament.
** [[Tony Banks]], on right-wing Conservative MP [[w:Terence Dicks|Terry Dicks]], [http://news.independent.co.uk/uk/politics/article337229.ece &quot;Tony Banks close to death after stroke&quot;], ''The Independent'' (online edition), 8 January 2006.

* We may be proud that [[England]] is the ancient country of Parliaments. With scarcely any intervening period, Parliaments have met constantly for 600 years, and there was something of a Parliament before the [[w:Norman Conquest|Conquest]]. England is '''the mother of Parliaments.'''
** [[John Bright]], Speech at Birmingham, ([[1865-01-18]]).

* Parliament is not a ''congress'' of [[Ambassador|ambassadors]] from different and hostile interests; which interests each must maintain, as an agent and advocate, against other agents and advocates; but parliament is a ''deliberative'' assembly of ''one'' nation, with ''one'' interest, that of the whole; where, not local purposes, not local prejudices ought to guide, but the general good, resulting from the general reason of the whole. You choose a member indeed; but when you have chosen him, he is not a member of Bristol, but he is a member of ''parliament''.
** Speech to the Electors of Bristol (1774-11-03); as published in ''The Works of the Right Hon. Edmund Burke'' (1834).

* The power of discretionary disqualification by one law of Parliament, and the necessity of paying every debt of the Civil List by another law of Parliament, if suffered to pass unnoticed, must establish such a fund of rewards and terrors as will make Parliament the best appendage and support of arbitrary power that ever was invented by the wit of man.
** [[Edmund Burke]], ''Thoughts on the Cause of the Present Discontents'' (1770).

* I have only two or three sentences to add. They will convey to the House my deep gratitude to this House of Commons, which has proved itself the strongest foundation for waging war that has ever been seen in the whole of our long history. We have all of us made our mistakes, but the strength of the Parliamentary institution has been shown to enable it at the same moment to preserve all the title-deeds of [[democracy]] while waging war in the most stern and protracted form. I wish to give my hearty thanks to men of all Parties, to everyone in every part of the House where they sit, for the way in which the liveliness of Parliamentary institutions has been maintained under the fire of the enemy, and for the way in which we have been able to persevere-and we could have persevered much longer if need had been-till all the objectives which we set before us for the procuring of the unlimited and unconditional surrender of the enemy had been achieved. I recollect well at the end of the last war, more than a quarter of a century ago, that the House, when it heard the long list of the surrender terms, the armistice terms, which had been imposed upon the [[Germany|Germans]], did not feel inclined for debate or business, but desired to offer thanks to [[God|Almighty God]], to the Great Power which seems to shape and design the fortunes of nations and the destiny of man; and I therefore beg, Sir, with your permission to move: That this House do now attend at the Church of St. Margaret, Westminster, to give humble and reverent thanks to Almighty God for our deliverance from the threat of German domination.
** [[Winston Churchill]], [https://winstonchurchill.org/resources/speeches/1941-1945-war-leader/end-of-the-war-in-europe/ Speech to the British Parliament on the End of World War II in Europe], 8 April 1945 

* [&lt;nowiki/&gt;[[United States Congress|Congress]]] is not the British Parliament, and I hope it never will become the British Parliament... Are we going to bring the [[President of the United States|president]] in here and have a [[w:Prime Minister's Questions|question period]] like the prime minister has in Great Britain?
** [[Trent Lott]], reported in Dana Milbank, &quot;[http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/06/11/AR2007061102092.html A Jolly Good Show, but the Wrong Side of the Pond]&quot; ''[[w:The Washington Post|The Washington Post]]'' [[2007-06-12]]

*When trade is at stake, it is your last entrenchment; you must defend it, or perish...Sir, Spain knows the consequence of a war in America; whoever gains, it must prove fatal to her...is this any longer a nation? Is this any longer an English Parliament, if with more ships in your harbours than in all the navies of Europe; with above two millions of people in your American colonies, you will bear to hear of the expediency of receiving from [[Spain]] an insecure, unsatisfactory, dishonourable Convention?
**[[William Pitt, 1st Earl of Chatham]], Denouncing the Spanish Convention of Prado in the House of Commons (6 March, 1739), reported in William Pitt, ''The Speeches of the Right Honourable the Earl of Chatham in the Houses of Lords and Commons: With a Biographical Memoir and Introductions and Explanatory Notes to the Speeches'' (London: Aylott &amp; Jones, 1848), pp. 6-7.

*There are many things a parliament cannot do. It cannot make itself executive, nor dispose of offices which belong to the crown. It cannot take any man's property, even that of the meanest cottager, as in the case of enclosures, without his being heard.
**[[William Pitt, 1st Earl of Chatham]] ''Speech in the House of Commons'' (1766); reported in ''Parliamentary History of England'' (London, 1813), vol. 6, col. 195.

* The House of Commons is called the Lower House, in twenty Acts of Parliament; but what are twenty Acts of Parliament amongst Friends?
** [[John Selden]], ''Table Talk'' (1689), p. 38.

*The objection to judicial interference in politics is that it undermines the democratic legitimacy of public decision making. The problem that we have here is that the government itself has sought to undermine the democratic [[legitimacy]] of public decision making by dispensing with a central feature of our constitution, namely that ministers are answerable to parliament. '''What the [[Supreme Court of the United Kingdom|Supreme Court]] has done is to invent a brand new rule, that is undoubtedly controversial, a brand new constitutional rule, the effect of which is to reinstate parliament at the heart of the decision-making process. And that is not undermining democracy at all, nor is it a coup, it is simply replacing what ought to have happened by convention, by law, in circumstances where the government has tried to kick away the conventions.'''
**[[w:Jonathan Sumption|Jonathan Sumption]] on the UK Supreme Court judgement of the Boris Johnson government's extended proroguing of parliament, [[W:The Today Programme|The Today Programme]], BBC Radio 4, [https://twitter.com/BBCr4today/status/1176766276196323328 25 September, 2019].

* The King governs by Law. Let us look back to the evils we had, in order to prevent more. There was loan, and ship-money, and extremes begat extremes. The House would then give no money. Let the King rely upon the Parliament; we have settled the Crown and the Government. 'Tis strange that we have sat so many years, and given so much money, and are still called upon for Supply. The Lords may give Supply with their own money, but we give the peoples; we are their proxies. The King takes his measures by the Parliament, and he doubts not but that all the Commons will supply for the Government; but giving at this rate that we have done, we shall be &quot;a branch of the revenue.&quot; They will &quot;anticipate&quot; us too. But, let the officers say what they will, we will not make these mismanagements the King's error. 'Tis better it should fall upon us than the King. We give public money, and must see that it goes to public use. Tell your money, fix it to public ends, and take order against occasions of this nature for the future. We cannot live at the expence of Spain, that has the Indies; or France, who has so many millions of revenue. Let us look to our Government, Fleet, and Trade. 'Tis the advice that the oldest Parliament-man among you can give you; and so, God bless you!
** [[Edmund Waller]], [http://www.british-history.ac.uk/report.asp?compid=40374 Speech in parliament] (19 October 1675).

===''The Dictionary of Legal Quotations'' (1904)===
:&lt;small&gt;Quotes reported in James William Norton-Kyshe, ''The Dictionary of Legal Quotations'' (1904), p. 189-193.&lt;/small&gt;

* This Court is a standing Court, and the law doth adjourn it from time to time: but a Parliament is a new Court, they appear, and are always summoned by new writs.
** Rolle, C.J., ''Case of Captain Streater on an Habeas Corpus'' (1653), 5 How. St. Tr. 400.

* The Crown used to call a Parliament annually, but there was not an annual election. These words, ''annuo parliamento'', relate to the time of their meeting, and not their election.
** [[Giles Rooke]], J., ''Trial of Redhead alias Yorke'' (1795), 25 How. St. Tr. 1081.

* To one who marvelled what should be the reason that Acts and Statutes are continually made at every Parliament, without intermission, and without end, a wise man made a good and short answer, both which are well composed in verse:&lt;br&gt;&quot;Quseritur, ut crescunt tot magna volumina legis?&lt;br&gt;In promptu causa est, crescit in orbe dolus.&quot;
** Lord [[Edward Coke]], ''Twyne's Case'' (1602), 3 Rep. 80.

* There is no providence or wisdom of man, nor of any council of men that can foresee and provide for all events and variety of cases, that will or may arise upon the making of a new law.
** Sir [[Robert Atkyns (judge)|Robert Atkyns]], L.C.B., ''Trial of Sir Edward Halet'' (1686), 11 How. St. Tr. 1208.

* The causes of the multiplicity of the English laws are, the extent of the country which they govern; the commerce and refinement of its inhabitants; but above all, the liberty and property of the subject.
** Sir [[William Blackstone]], Bk. III., ch. 25, p. 232.

* ''Lex Parliamenti'' is to be regarded as the law of the realm; but, supposing it to be a particular law, yet if a question arise determinable in the King's Bench, the King's Bench ought to determine it.— Bridgman, C.J., ''Binion v. Evelin'' (1662), Dyer, 60; Carth. 137; 1 Show. 99.

* If a man be committed by Parliament, and the Parliament is prorogued, the King's Bench will grant a ''[[w:Habeas corpus|habeas corpus]]''. The [[common law]] then does not take notice of any such law of Parliament to determine inheritance originally. If there is any such, it ought either to be by act of Parliament, and there is no such act; or it ought to be by custom, and no more is there any such custom.
** Lord Holt, ''Rex et Reg. v. Knollys'' (1694), 1 Ld. Raym. 11.

* This Court (Lords House of Parliament), which ought to be an example to all other Courts, will ever hold in the highest reverence the indulgent character of British justice.
** Lord Erskine, L.C., ''Trial of Lord Viscount Melville'' (1806), 29 How. St. Tr. 1249.

* We cannot hear the integrity and wisdom of Parliament questioned in this Court.
** Abbott, C.J., ''King v. Edmonds and others'' (1821), 1 St. Tr. (N. S.) 927.

* The House of Commons are a great branch of the Constitution, and are chose by ourselves, and are our trustees; and it cannot be supposed, nor ought to be presumed, that they will exceed their bounds, or do anything amiss . . . this is a very foreign supposition, and what ought not to be said by any Englishman.
** Powys, J., ''Reg. v. Paty'' (1704), 2 Raym. 1109.

* Every facility ought undoubtedly to be given to all persons applying to either House of Parliament or to any Court of Justice for the redress of any alleged grievance.
** Littledale, J., ''Stockdale v. Hansard'' (1837), 3 St. Tr. (N. S.) 922.

* The House of Commons are the representatives of the people.
** Gould, J., ''Reg. v. Paty'' (1704), 2 Raym. 1107.

* It would look very strange, when the Commons of England are so fond of their right of sending representatives to Parliament, that it should be in the power of a [[sheriff]], or other officer, to deprive them of that right, and yet that they should have no remedy; it is a thing to be admired at by all mankind.
** [[John Holt (Lord Chief Justice)|Holt]], C.J., ''Ashby v. White'' (1703), 2 Raym. 954.

* I disclaim the power of legislation which is asserted to exist in this Court, and I say that, if such a right is to be created, it must be created by the Legislature properly so called.
** Jessel, M.R., ''Day v. Brownrigg'' (1878), L. R. 10 C. D. 302.

* It is the province of the statesman and not the lawyer to discuss, and of the legislature to determine, what is the best for the public good, and to provide for it by proper enactments. It is the province of the Judge to expound the law only—the written from the statute, the unwritten or common law from the decisions of our predecessors and of our existing Courts—from the text-writers of acknowledged authority, and upon the principles to be clearly deduced from them by sound reason and just inference—not to speculate upon what is the best, in his opinion, for the advantage of the community.
** Coleridge, J., ''Brownlow v. Egerton'' (1854), 23 L. J. Rep. Part 5 (N. S.), Ch. 370.

* If the legislature have not gone far enough, it is for them, not for us, to remedy the defect.
** Chambre, J., ''Grigby v. Oakes'' (1801), 1 Bos. &amp; Pull. 529.

* It is for the legislature to alter the law if Parliament in its wisdom thinks an alteration desirable.
** Lord [[Edward Macnaghten, Baron Macnaghten|Macnaghten‎]], ''Hamilton v. Baker, &quot;The Sara&quot;'' (1889), L. R. 14 Ap. Ca. 227.

* To abolish a well-established rule of law because it is a bad rule, is the business of the legislature.
** Stephen, J., ''Reg. v. Coney and others'' (1882), 15 Cox, C. C. 59.

* What the legislature has not expressly enacted, the Judges ought not to presume that it intended.
** Lord Chelmsford, ''Mordaunt v. Moncreiffe'' (1874), L. R. 2 Sc. &amp; D. 387.

* The decisions of the House of Lords are binding on me and upon all the Courts except itself.
** Sir [[John Romilly, 1st Baron Romilly|John Romilly]], M.R., ''Att.-Gen. v. The Dean and Canons of Windsor'' (1858), 24 Beav. 715.

* By the Constitution of this United Kingdom, the House of Lords is the Court of Appeal in the last resort, and its decisions are authoritative and conclusive declarations of the existing state of the law, and are binding upon itself when sitting judicially, as much as upon all inferior tribunals. The observations made by members of the House, whether law members or lay members, beyond the ratio decidendi which is propounded and acted upon in giving judgment, although they may be entitled to respect, are only to be followed in as far as they may be considered agreeable to sound reason and to prior authorities. But the doctrine on which the judgment of the House is founded must be universally taken for law, and can only be altered by Act of Parliament.1 So it is, even where the House gives judgment in conformity to its rule of procedure, that where there is an equality of votes, semper presumitur pro negante.
** Lord Campbell, L.C., ''Att.-Gen. v. Dean and Canons of Windsor'' (1860), 8 H. L. Cas. 391; 30 L. J. Ch. 531.

==See also==
*[[European Parliament]]
*[[United States Congress]]

==External links==
*{{wikipedia-inline|Parliament of the United Kingdom}}
*{{commonscat-inline}}
*{{wikisource-inline|Portal:Parliament of the United Kingdom}}

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    <title>The Cleveland Show</title>
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----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[The Cleveland Show/Season 1|1]] [[The Cleveland Show/Season 2|2]] [[The Cleveland Show/Season 3|3]] [[The Cleveland Show/Season 4|4]] | [[The Cleveland Show|Main]]
----
'''''The Cleveland Show''''' is an American animated sitcom created by Seth MacFarlane, Richard Appel, and Mike Henry for the Fox Broadcasting Company as a spin-off of ''Family Guy''. The series centers on the Browns and Tubbs, two dysfunctional families consisting of parents Cleveland Brown and Donna-Tubbs and their children Cleveland Brown, Jr., Roberta Tubbs, and Rallo Tubbs. Similar to ''Family Guy'', it exhibits much of its humor in the form of cutaway gags that often lampoon American culture.

:''Please read [[The Cleveland Show/Format]] for notes on how to use and edit this article.''

==Episodes==
The border colors for the episodes correspond to the DVD Volume in which they appear.

:&lt;span style=&quot;color:purple;&quot;&gt;&lt;b&gt;Purple&lt;/b&gt;&lt;/span&gt; represents Volume 1
:&lt;span style=&quot;color:blue;&quot;&gt;&lt;b&gt;Blue&lt;/b&gt;&lt;/span&gt; represents Volume 2
:&lt;span style=&quot;color:green;&quot;&gt;&lt;b&gt;Green&lt;/b&gt;&lt;/span&gt; represents Volume 3
:&lt;span style=&quot;color:magenta;&quot;&gt;&lt;b&gt;Magenta&lt;/b&gt;&lt;/span&gt; represents Volume 4

__NOTC__
{| border=1 cellpadding=4
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 1|Season 1]]
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 2|Season 2]]
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 3|Season 3]]
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 4|Season 4]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid purple;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 1#Pilot (The Cleveland Show)|[1.01] Pilot]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid blue;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 2#Harder, Better, Faster, Browner|[2.01] Harder, Better, Faster, Browner]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid green;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 3#BFFs (The Cleveland Show)|[3.01] BFFs]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid magenta;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 4#Escape From Goochland|[4.01] Escape From Goochland]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid purple;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 1#Da Doggone Daddy-Daughter Dinner Dance|[1.02] Da Doggone Daddy-Daughter Dinner Dance]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid blue;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 2#Cleveland Live!|[2.02] Cleveland Live!]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid green;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 3#The Hurricane!|[3.02] The Hurricane!]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid magenta;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 4#Menace II Secret Society|[4.02] Menace II Secret Society]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid purple;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 1#The One About Friends|[1.03] The One About Friends]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid blue;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 2#How Cleveland Got His Groove Back|[2.03] How Cleveland Got His Groove Back]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid green;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 3#Nightmare on Grace Street|[3.03] Nightmare on Grace Street]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid magenta;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 4#A General Thanksgiving Episode|[4.03] A General Thanksgiving Episode]] 
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid purple;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 1#Birth of a Salesman (The Cleveland Show)|[1.04] Birth of a Salesman]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid blue;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 2#It's the Great Pancake, Cleveland Brown|[2.04] It's the Great Pancake, Cleveland Brown]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid green;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 3#Skip Day (The Cleveland Show)|[3.04] Skip Day]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid magenta;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 4#Turkey Pot Die|[4.04] Turkey Pot Die]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid purple;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 1#Cleveland Jr.'s Cherry Bomb|[1.05] Cleveland Jr.'s Cherry Bomb]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid blue;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 2#Little Man on Campus|[2.05] Little Man on Campus]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid green;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 3#Yemen Party|[3.05] Yemen Party]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid magenta;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 4#A Vas Deferens Between Men &amp; Women|[4.05] A Vas Deferens Between Men &amp; Women]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid purple;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 1#Ladies' Night (The Cleveland Show)|[1.06] Ladies' Night]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid blue;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 2#Fat and Wet|[2.06] Fat and Wet]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid green;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 3#Sex and the Biddy|[3.06] Sex and the Biddy]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid magenta;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 4#'Tis the Cleveland to Be Sorry|[4.06] 'Tis the Cleveland to Be Sorry]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid purple;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 1#A Brown Thanksgiving|[1.07] A Brown Thanksgiving]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid blue;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 2#Another Bad Thanksgiving|[2.07] Another Bad Thanksgiving]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid green;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 3#Die Semi-Hard|[3.07] Die Semi-Hard]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid magenta;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 4#Hustle 'N' Bros|[4.07] Hustle 'N' Bros]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid purple;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 1#From Bed to Worse|[1.08] From Bed to Worse]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid blue;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 2#Murray Christmas|[2.08] Murray Christmas]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid green;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 3#Y Tu Junior Tambien|[3.08] Y Tu Junior Tambien]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid magenta;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 4#Wide World of Cleveland Show|[4.08] Wide World of Cleveland Show]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid purple;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 1#A Cleveland Brown Christmas|[1.09] A Cleveland Brown Christmas]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid blue;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 2#Beer Walk!|[2.09] Beer Walk!]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid green;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 3#There Goes El Neighborhood|[3.09] There Goes El Neighborhood]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid magenta;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 4#Here Comes the Bribe|[4.09] Here Comes the Bribe]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid purple;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 1#Field of Streams|[1.10] Field of Streams]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid blue;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 2#Ain't Nothin' But Mutton Bustin'|[2.10] Ain't Nothin' But Mutton Bustin']]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid green;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 3#Dancing with the Stools|[3.10] Dancing with the Stools]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid magenta;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 4#When a Man (or a Freight Train) Loves His Cookie|[4.10] When a Man (or a Freight Train) Loves His Cookie]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid purple;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 1#Love Rollercoaster (The Cleveland Show)|[1.11] Love Rollercoaster]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid blue;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 2#How Do You Solve a Problem Like Roberta?|[2.11] How Do You Solve a Problem Like Roberta?]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid green;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 3#Brown Magic|[3.11] Brown Magic]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid magenta;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 4#Brownsized|[4.11] Brownsized]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid purple;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 1#Our Gang (The Cleveland Show)|[1.12] Our Gang]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid blue;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 2#Like a Boss (The Cleveland Show)|[2.12] Like a Boss]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid green;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 3#'Til Deaf|[3.12] 'Til Deaf]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid magenta;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 4#Pins, Spins and Fins! (Shark Story Cut for Time)|[4.12] Pins, Spins and Fins! (Shark Story Cut for Time)]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid purple;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 1#Buried Pleasure|[1.13] Buried Pleasure]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid blue;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 2#A Short Story and a Tall Tale|[2.13] A Short Story and a Tall Tale]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid green;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 3#Das Shrimp Boot|[3.13] Das Shrimp Boot]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid magenta;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 4#A Rodent Like This|[4.13] A Rodent Like This]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid purple;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 1#The Curious Case of Jr. Working at The Stool|[1.14] The Curious Case of Jr. Working at The Stool]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid blue;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 2#Terry Unmarried|[2.14] Terry Unmarried]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid green;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 3#March Dadness|[3.14] March Dadness]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid magenta;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 4#The Hangover: Part Tubbs|[4.14] The Hangover: Part Tubbs]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid purple;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 1#Once Upon a Tyne in New York|[1.15] Once Upon a Tyne in New York]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid blue;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 2#The Blue, The Gray and The Brown|[2.15] The Blue, The Gray and The Brown]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid green;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 3#The Men in Me|[3.15] The Men in Me]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid magenta;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 4#California Dreamin' (All the Cleves are Brown)|[4.15] California Dreamin' (All the Cleves are Brown)]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid purple;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 1#The Brown Knight|[1.16] The Brown Knight]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid blue;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 2#The Way the Cookie Crumbles|[2.16] The Way the Cookie Crumbles]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid green;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 3#Frapp Attack!|[3.16] Frapp Attack!]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid magenta;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 4#Who Done Did It?|[4.16] Who Done Did It?]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid purple;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 1#Gone with the Wind (The Cleveland Show)|[1.17] Gone with the Wind]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid blue;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 2#To Live and Die in VA|[2.17] To Live and Die in VA]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid green;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 3#American Prankster (The Cleveland Show)|[3.17] American Prankster]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid magenta;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 4#Fist and the Furious|[4.17] Fist and the Furious]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid purple;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 1#Brotherly Love (The Cleveland Show)|[1.18] Brotherly Love]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid blue;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 2#The Essence of Cleveland|[2.18] The Essence of Cleveland]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid green;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 3#B.M.O.C. (The Cleveland Show)|[3.18] B.M.O.C.]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid magenta;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 4#Squirt's Honor|[4.18] Squirt's Honor]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid purple;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 1#Brown History Month|[1.19] Brown History Month]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid blue;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 2#Ship'rect|[2.19] Ship'rect]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid green;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 3#Jesus Walks (The Cleveland Show)|[3.19] Jesus Walks]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid magenta;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 4#Grave Danger (The Cleveland Show)|[4.19] Grave Danger]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid purple;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 1#Cleveland's Angels|[1.20] Cleveland's Angels]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid blue;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 2#Back to Cool|[2.20] Back to Cool]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid green;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 3#Flush of Genius|[3.20] Flush of Genius]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid magenta;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 4#Of Lice and Men|[4.20] Of Lice and Men]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid purple;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 1#You're the Best Man, Cleveland Brown|[1.21] You're the Best Man, Cleveland Brown]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid blue;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 2#Your Show of Shows (The Cleveland Show)|[2.21] Your Show of Shows]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid green;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 3#Mama Drama (The Cleveland Show)|[3.21] Mama Drama]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid magenta;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 4#Mr. &amp; Mrs. Brown|[4.21] Mr. &amp; Mrs. Brown]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; rowspan=2 |
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid blue;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 2#Hot Cocoa Bang Bang|[2.22] Hot Cocoa Bang Bang]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid green;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 3#All You Can Eat (The Cleveland Show)|[3.22] All You Can Eat]]
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid magenta;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 4#Crazy Train (The Cleveland Show)|[4.22] Crazy Train]]
|-
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; |
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid white;&quot; |
| style=&quot;border: 3px solid magenta;&quot; | [[The Cleveland Show/Season 4#Wheel! Of! Family!|[4.23] Wheel! Of! Family!]]
|}
__TOC__

==Cast==
* [[w:Mike Henry (voice actor)|Mike Henry]] - Cleveland Brown, Rallo Tubbs
* [[w:Sanaa Lathan|Sanaa Lathan]] - Donna Tubbs
* [[w:Nia Long|Nia Long]] - Roberta Tubbs (Production Season 1; Episode 1–13)
* [[w:Reagan Gomez-Preston|Reagan Gomez-Preston]] - Roberta Tubbs (Production Season 1; Episode 14–present)
* [[w:Kevin Michael Richardson|Kevin Michael Richardson]] - Cleveland Brown, Jr., Lester Krinklesac
* [[w:Jason Sudeikis|Jason Sudeikis]] - Holt Richter, Terry Kimple
* [[Seth MacFarlane]] - Tim the Bear, Dr. Fist (Seasons 1–2)
* [[Arianna Huffington]] - Arianna the Bear
* [[w:Nat Faxon|Nat Faxon]] - Raymond the Bear
* [[w:Jamie Kennedy|Jamie Kennedy]] - Gabriel &quot;Federline Jones&quot; Friedman
* [[w:Will Forte|Will Forte]] - Principal Wally Farquhare
* [[w:Frances Callier|Frances Callier]] - Evelyn &quot;Cookie&quot; Brown
* [[w:Craig Robinson (actor)|Craig Robinson]] - LeVar &quot;Freight Train&quot; Brown
* [[w:David Lynch|David Lynch]] - Gus the Bartender
* [[w:Bruce McGill|Bruce McGill]] - Mr. Lloyd Waterman
* [[w:Aseem Batra|Aseem Batra]] - Kendra Krinklesac
* [[w:Glenn Howerton|Glenn Howerton]] - Ernie Krinklesac

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{imdb title|id=1195935|title=The Cleveland Show}}
*[http://tvtdb.com/theclevelandshow Episode transcripts] at TVTDB.com

{{DEFAULTSORT:Cleveland Show, The}}
[[Category:2000s American adult animated TV shows]]
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[[Category:2000s American black sitcoms]]
[[Category:2010s American black sitcoms]]
[[Category:American animated sitcoms]]
[[Category:American black animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American adult animated TV spin-offs]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Crossover animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American adult animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Single-camera sitcoms]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:FOX shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:The Cleveland Show]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about dysfunctional families]]
[[Category:Television series by Fox Television Animation]]

:'' ''The Cleveland Show'' and all related characters, episodes and quotes are a copyright of 20th Century FOX. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the'' Wikimedia Foundation ''DO NOT claim ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference purposes only. Wikiquote nor its parent company, ''The Wikimedia Foundation,'' has no affiliation with 20th Century FOX, or its parent company, News Corp, in any way, shape, or form.''
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    <title>The Cleveland Show/Season 1</title>
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        <id>2108323</id>
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----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[The Cleveland Show/Season 1|1]] [[The Cleveland Show/Season 2|2]] [[The Cleveland Show/Season 3|3]] [[The Cleveland Show/Season 4|4]] | [[The Cleveland Show|Main]]
----
The following is a list of quotes from the first season of ''[[The Cleveland Show]]''.

=== ''[[w:Pilot (The Cleveland Show)|Pilot]]'' ===
:''[Cleveland and Cleveland Jr. have left Quahog to mark the beginning of &quot;The Cleveland Show&quot;]''
:'''Stewie''': What the hell? He's gettin' his own show?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Rallo''': Well aren't we the Black Brady Bunch?
:'''Cleveland''': Except I'm not a gay architect, and my wife's not sleeping with my son!
:''[everyone laughs]''
:'''Cleveland Jr.''': Not yet!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cleveland''': Ahhhh a Bear!
:'''Tim''': Ahhhh a Black Man! Yeah, doesn't feel so good, does it?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Rallo''': Oh I know y'all ain't leaving without making these beds.

=== ''[[w:Da Doggone Daddy-Daughter Dinner Dance|Da Doggone Daddy-Daughter Dinner Dance]]'' ===
:''[Cleveland is in his own Men's Warehouse Commerical]''
:'''Cleveland''': I'm gonna like the way I look...I guarantee it.

=== ''[[w:The One About Friends|The One About Friends]]'' ===
:'''Cleveland''': Hasta la possum, baby!

=== ''[[w:Birth of a Salesman (The Cleveland Show)|Birth of a Salesman]]'' ===
:'''Cleveland Jr.''': No, put under the corners just like Mommy did it.
:'''Rallo''': Fuck, dude.
&lt;hr /&gt;
:'''Cleveland Jr.''': ''[as the group throws a joke at Cleveland Jr. as part of a comedy roast, to try and get him to cry]'' That's cruel without even knowing the reference.

=== ''[[w:Cleveland Jr.'s Cherry Bomb|Cleveland Jr.'s Cherry Bomb]]'' ===
:''[Federline Jones slaps Cleveland Jr.]''
:'''Cleveland Jr.''': I may be a virgin, ''[angrily pulls on Federline's gold necklace]'' but I'll kick your ass if you do that again!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Priest''': All across this great land, teenagers are takin' a pledge: The Purity Pledge, to hand over their virginities to their fathers, the high priests of the home.
:'''Cleveland''': Hear that? I'm the high priest of our home. I would like roast beef for dinner.
:'''Donna''': Shut the fuck up!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cleveland''': ''[grabs Federline's hat and hits him with it]'' BAD HORMONE-RIDDEN ADOLESCENT! BAD, BAD, BAD!

=== ''[[w:Ladies' Night (The Cleveland Show)|Ladies' Night]]'' ===
:'''Cleveland''': Last minute check: any chives in my teeth? ''[he shows teeth, which are covered with chives]''
:'''Donna''': They're all over! What have you been eating?
:'''Cleveland''': Chives.

=== ''[[w:A Brown Thanksgiving|A Brown Thanksgiving]]'' ===
:'''Auntie Momma''': And now that my work here is done, I better leave before I turn into a blumpkin.

=== ''[[w:From Bed to Worse|From Bed to Worse]]'' ===
:'''Roberta''': I can't believe we're stuck in this motel for another night! Nothing exciting has ever happened in a D.C. hotel!
:'''Raymond''': Didn't [[w:Marion Barry#1990 arrest|Marion Barry get caught smoking crack]] at a D.C. hotel?
:'''Roberta''': Okay, yeah, but besides that.
:'''Raymond''': Didn't [[w:Reagan assassination attempt|Reagan get shot]] at a D.C. hotel?
:'''Roberta''': Besides ''that''.
:'''Raymond''': [[w:Watergate scandal|Watergate]] happened at a hotel, I know that.
:'''Roberta''': I know, I know.
:'''Raymond''': And didn't [[w:Eliot Spitzer prostitution scandal|Eliot Spitzer]]--
:'''Roberta''': ''[cutting him off]'' Okay, whatever! The point is we need to go out and find a party.
:'''Oliver''': Hey, guys, I got the idea. We need to go out to find a party!
:'''Federline''': Yo, Oliver's right. There are so many bummed spots out there where I can get the crowd jumpin' with my demo! There's a fat beat on top of it, I'm going like ''[beatboxing]'', then I'd do, &quot;Federline! Federline! JOONES!&quot; It's hot, y'all. Peace.

=== ''[[w:A Cleveland Brown Christmas|A Cleveland Brown Christmas]]'' ===
:'''Kendra''': &quot;You freak it you buy it.&quot; ''[pointing to the Christmas tree]''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Donna''': It's like my great grandmother used to say, &quot;A lie is just an upside down truth.&quot;
:'''Cleveland''': What?! ''[to self]'' Can I trust Donna?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cleveland''': &quot;Fred Peterson raped old ladies?!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Rallo''': Dear Santa: ''[clears throat]'' Fuck you and fuck Christmas.
:'''Arianna the Bear''' ''(to Tim)'': This is what happens when you let a Jew run a Christmas pageant.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
''(after Rallo derails the toy train by putting a Santa doll on the tracks)''
:'''Reporter''': Blood on the tracks in Holidaytown where for 68 passengers, a routine train ride to Gum Drop Village instead took a detour to Gum Drop country morgue. And now over to Dirk with sports.
:'''Dirk''': Better make that 2 massacres today. The Holidaytown Celebrators were shut out eight to nothing. A bad day indeed for pretend, cake figurine baseball.

=== ''[[w:Field of Streams|Field of Streams]]'' ===
:'''Cleveland''': Hey Junior, watch are you watching? ''The Cleveland Show''?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cleveland''': What are you doing up there?
:'''Cleveland Jr.''': Larry the Leopard told me to climb the bookcase.
:'''Cleveland''': Fourteen. You're fourteen! Now, get down here. I got something I want you to have.
:'''Cleveland Jr.''': Wow, number 9? I thought when you left, they retired it for good.
:'''Cleveland''': I'm [[w:Brett Favre|Brett Favre]]-ing it, except I'm not being a public jagoff about it.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''The Fluffers''' ''(to the tune of ''We Built This City'' by Jefferson Starship)'': We built this ballpark/We built this ballpark on a gay dude's ca-ash!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Principal Wally''' ''(after Raymond high-fives one of his stoner friends)'': Watch the height of that five. All fives must be shoulder height or below.

=== ''[[w:Love Rollercoaster|Love Rollercoaster]]'' ===
:'''Cleveland Jr.''': I've never been friends with a girl before. Is it true you guys clap your breasts together, like a seal?
:'''Tyra''': No!
:'''Cleveland Jr.''': Thanks a lot, Wikipedia.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Ms. Eck''': You know, I used to be quite doable myself.
:'''Roberta''': So what happened?
:'''Ms. Eck''': I turned 30.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Lester''': I got bit by the inventing bug myself. Among other bugs. And crabs.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Rallo''': You'd be amazed how many people on the internet wanna meet a five-year-old boy!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cleveland''': What the hell kind of comedy high school are you going to, anyway?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Nerd''': This is still pretty cool!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Nerd''': Who are you?
:'''Tyra''': I'm Fat Girl.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Federline''': Know what I'm sayin', Omega Moo?

=== ''[[w:Our Gang (The Cleveland Show)|Our Gang]]'' ===
:''[Cleveland shoots a hole in the ceiling, and then the ceiling cracks revealing Chris Griffin]''
:'''Chris''': Hi, Cleveland!
:'''Cleveland''': Go back to Quahog!
:'''Chris''': Okay.

=== ''[[w:Buried Pleasure|Buried Pleasure]]'' ===
:'''Cleveland''': Ah, Stoolfest! That magical time of year when hobos and drug addicts are dressed up like clowns, and allowed to operate dangerous rides!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cleveland''': ''[about Jane]'' We tried to get her to stop hitting Holt and she beat the respective craps out of us.
:'''Donna''': ''She''... beat up all of ''you''?
:'''Cleveland''': Well, what were we supposed to do? We can't hit a girl.
:'''Donna''': Well, I understand. I never hit a girl, either. But I will smack the white off a bitch!
:''[she punches Jane]''
:'''Donna''': Nobody hurts my man!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tim''': Did she agree to stay away from Holt?
:'''Cleveland''': Did does it look like it, Boo-Boo?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cleveland''': I'm gonna go tell Jane to say good-bye to my little friend!

=== ''[[w:The Curious Case of Jr. Working at The Stool|The Curious Case of Jr. Working at The Stool]]'' ===
:'''Cleveland Jr.''': I'm going to get even with that candy-ass son of a motherfucking bitch.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cleveland Jr.''': MOO.

=== ''[[w:Once Upon a Tyne in New York|Once Upon a Tyne in New York]]'' ===
:'''Cleveland''': Good evening. In an effort to keep with these, our ever-changing times, tonight's episode of ''The Cleveland Show'' is presented in 2-D. If you wear glasses due to near-sightedness or astigmatism, put them on....'''NOW.'''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[Lester's limo driving away with Tyne chasing them and the kids realize they missed their ride]''
:'''Rallo''': Aw, shit!

=== ''[[w:The Brown Knight|The Brown Knight]]'' ===
:'''Dan Rather''': Hello, I'm Dan Rather, news veteran of 44 years, now reduced to co-hosting a local talk show. Just waiting to die, really. I stopped taking my heart pills this morning, so... any day now.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cleveland Jr.''': Don't worry, Daddy. I'm gonna feed you, and wash you and change you, just like you did when I was a baby.
:'''Cleveland''': Thank you, Junior. ''[whispers]'' Don't let him do any of those things to me, Donna!
:'''Donna''': Junior, can you give us some alone time?
:'''Cleveland Jr.''': Okay. I'll go down to pediatrics and look at the chicken people.

=== ''[[w:Gone with the Wind (The Cleveland Show)|Gone with the Wind]]'' ===
:'''Cleveland''': Smells like a Denny's in here, but without the old man stink.
:'''Rallo''': You got that covered.
:'''Cleveland''': No, I smell like a middle-aged man: Propecia, hot wings, and night sweats from our adjustable-rate mortage, now pass those eggs.
:'''Donna''': Uh-uh. Remember what Dr. Fist said about your cholesterol?
:'''Cleveland''': Yes, he said it was &quot;appalling&quot; and &quot;life-threatening&quot;. Uh, pass the eggs.
:'''Donna''': This is your breakfast, Cleveland. The same breakfast you've been eating for the past two weeks.
:'''Cleveland''': More twigs?
:'''Donna''': Fiber Twigs-The cereal that lowers your cholesterol.
:'''Cleveland''': Aah! I got a splinter!
:'''Roberta''': 'Cause you got a mouthful of wood, like usual.
:'''Cleveland''': Huh? Oh.
:''[both Roberta and Cleveland laugh. Then Cleveland pushes Roberta and grabs her plate of food]''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Rallo''': Heat rises, I smell nothing!
:''[Cleveland Jr. lifts him up]''
:'''Rallo''': AH! AAHHHHH!

=== ''[[w:Brotherly Love (The Cleveland Show)|Brotherly Love]]'' ===
:'''Cleveland''': You were the best bitch I ever had.
:'''Terry''': And you were one cold pimp.
:'''Cleveland''': Thanks. I'm sorry I set you up with all those men.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Donna''': Where did you get that huge wad of cash?
:'''Cleveland''': What? A man can't sneak into his house in the middle of the night, carrying a huge, suspicious-looking wad of cash, without his wife nagging him? Geez!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cleveland Jr.''': ''[to Chanel]'' Sorry he's so cranky. He was up til 7:15 last night.
:'''Rallo''': Oh, thanks! Anybody else wanna take a shot?
:'''Donna''': Rallo, are you bothering the big kids? Come here, I need to give you your diarrhea medicine.
:''[Cleveland Jr. and Chanel laugh]''
:'''Rallo''': ''[to Cleveland Jr.]'' You are in for a world of hurt, buffalo butt!
:'''Donna''': What did you call me?
:'''Rallo''': No, not you, mo-''[Donna grabs his ear]'' Aaaarrggh!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Chanel''': ''[sighs]'' This is so hard. I don't know how to find a se-can't of a triangle.
:'''Cleveland, Jr.''': Well. Hold on then, se-can't. ''[laughs, then Chanel joins in]''
:'''Roberta''': Hey, is that Chanel Williams chopping it up with my steppity-bro?
:'''Federline''': I think you mean step-brizzle. ''[he and Roberta laugh; they all laugh until Cleveland comes in]''
:'''Cleveland''': ''[bursts the door open]'' There's been a gas leak! 
:''[Cleveland, Jr., Chanel, Roberta and Federline keep laughing until he pushes them out]''
:'''Contractor''': Leave the batteries in your carbon monoxide detector from now on.
:'''Cleveland''': When your wife says she'll use them in front of you, you find some batteries.
:''[they both laugh]''

=== ''[[w:Brown History Month|Brown History Month]]'' ===
:'''Rallo''': I'll just go ahead and be one of the other black presidents. Actually, I want to be the first black president. Who was it?
:'''Mrs. Lowenstein''': Rallo, [[Barack Obama|Barack Hussein Obama]] is the first black president.
:'''Rallo''': What? Washington wasn't black?
:'''Mrs. Lowenstein''': No.
:'''Rallo''': Jefferson?
:'''Mrs. Lowenstein''': No.
:'''Rallo''': If [[Rutherford B. Hayes]] wasn't a brother, I don't know what's up!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rallo''': ''[to Cleveland]'' You're worse than Uncle Thomas the Tank Engine.
:''[cut to the Island of Sodor]''
:'''Thomas''': I'd reckon I'll take you where these here tracks go, sir.
:'''Sir Topham Hatt''': Thank you, Uncle Thomas. You're a clean, articulate train.
:'''Thomas''': Just get yo' white ass on board.
:'''Sir Topham Hatt''': What's that, Thomas?
:'''Thomas''': ''[stammers]'' Uh... Choo-choo!

=== ''[[w:Cleveland's Angels|Cleveland's Angels]]'' ===
:'''Cleveland''': I just keep winning! I feel like a homeowner before 2008 (no jobs)!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Holt''': I'm riding through them dirt roads and let me show you how I work them dirt hoes.

=== ''[[w:You're the Best Man, Cleveland Brown|You're the Best Man, Cleveland Brown]]'' ===
:''[Peter and Quagmire appear at the end of the episode during Freight Train and Cookie's wedding]''
:'''Quagmire''': Well, they made it through the whole season. Now can I have my own show, Peter?
:'''Peter''': Quagmire, you're a rapist.
:''[Quagmire mutters]''

== External links ==
{{wikipedia|The Cleveland Show (season 1)}}
* {{imdb title|id=1195935|title=The Cleveland Show}}
* [http://www.fox.com/programming/shows/?sh=the-cleveland-show TheClevelandShow.com]
* [http://tvtdb.com/theclevelandshow Episode transcripts] at TVTDB.com

{{DEFAULTSORT:Cleveland Show, The}}
[[Category:The Cleveland Show seasons]]</text>
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    <title>The Cleveland Show/Season 2</title>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:11:08Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
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----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[The Cleveland Show/Season 1|1]] [[The Cleveland Show/Season 2|2]] [[The Cleveland Show/Season 3|3]] [[The Cleveland Show/Season 4|4]] | [[The Cleveland Show|Main]]
----
'''''[[w:The Cleveland Show|The Cleveland Show]]''''' was an American animated sitcom created by Seth MacFarlane, Richard Appel, and Mike Henry for the Fox Broadcasting Company as a spin-off of Family Guy. The series centers on the Browns and Tubbs, two dysfunctional families consisting of parents Cleveland Brown and Donna Tubbs and their children Cleveland Brown, Jr., Roberta Tubbs, and Rallo Tubbs. Similar to ''Family Guy'', it exhibits much of its humor in the form of cutaway gags that often lampoon American culture.

=== ''[[w:Harder, Better, Faster, Browner|Harder, Better, Faster, Browner]]'' ===
:'''Holt''': Kenny West. Caught ya at the county fair. Yeah, I listen to rap. Gotta De La Soul CD in my car. Do a little beatboxing. You probably don't wanna hear it. Unless you do. You probably do. ''[starts beatboxing terribly]'' Boop-boop-boopa-doo-boop! Boop! Boop-bitty-boopydoop-boop!
:'''Kenny''': I'm really not glad I heard that.
:''[Kenny and Cleveland laugh and give each other five]''
:'''Cleveland''': Oh, Kenny. You're TRBL!
:'''Kenny''': No, ''you're'' TRBL!
:'''Cleveland''': No, ''you're'' TRBL!
:'''Kenny''': We're ''both'' TRBL!
:''[they laugh]''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Kenny''': I still can't believe Beyoncé didn't win.

=== ''[[w:Cleveland Live!|Cleveland Live!]]'' ===
:'''Cleveland''': Donna's gonna be so supr--
:'''Man in audience''': You're fat!
:'''Cleveland''': You know what else is fat? Rudeness!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Cleveland Jr.''': To Infinity and Beyond!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Lester''': Wow, Cleveland, you've skipped &quot;fun drunk&quot; and &quot;sad drunk&quot; and went straight to &quot;angry drunk&quot;.
:'''Cleveland''': Okay, now where's the guy who said I was fat.
:'''Man in audience ''': Right here. [Cleveland fires a gun at him]

=== ''[[w:How Cleveland Got His Groove Back|How Cleveland Got His Groove Back]]'' ===
:'''Lester''': You know, Cleveland. I'd rather hear a dry fart from a wet dog than another one of your baseball stories.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Narrator''': There is no joy in Stoolbend, mighty Cleveland has struck out.

=== ''[[w:It's the Great Pancake, Cleveland Brown|It's the Great Pancake, Cleveland Brown]]'' ===
:''[Cleveland, Jr, wearing a black spandex suit, puts on black boots and white gloves and finally, a pancake costume. He looks at himself in the mirror and dances to &quot;This Is How We Do It.&quot;]''
:'''Junior''': Aw, yeah! I'd eat me! This is my best Halloween costume since that time I went as Al Sharpton back in Quahog.
:''[Cutaway to him, dressed as Al Sharpton, at Mr. Herbert's house]''
:'''Junior''': Trick or Treat! ''[Takes a piece of candy from Herbert's plastic pumpkin bucket]''
:'''Herbert''': Take two. ''[Junior does so]'' Take three. ''[Junior takes more candy]'' Take four. ''[Junior takes even more candy]'' That's enough! Happy Halloween! ''[Skips backwards into his house, shuts the door, and giggles from inside]''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Cleveland is holding a flashlight close to his face, telling Rallo a ghost story''
:'''Cleveland''': And then the ghost looked into the child's eyes. ''[Rallo whimpers]'' And he said, '''''BOO!!!''''' ''[Rallo screams and kicks Cleveland in the balls]''
:'''Cleveland''': Ow! Bitch!
:''[Junior turns the living room light on]''
:'''Junior''': Breakfast, anyone?
:''[Rallo laughs, but Cleveland growls in frustration]''
:'''Rallo''': What restaurant is that from? IHOP because diabetes took one of my legs?
:'''Junior''': Ain't nothing but something to wear.
:'''Cleveland''': Why the hell are you dressed like a damn buttery flapjack?
:'''Junior''': This is my Halloween costume. It's what I'm gonna wear trick-or-treating.
:'''Cleveland''': Trick-or-treating? You're fourteen! You're too old to be trick-or-treating! You go out looking like that, the other kids will eat you for breakfast!
:'''Junior''' ''[Saying the same thing as him, but as a question]'' Breakfast? ''[They both laugh, but Cleveland is serious]''
:'''Cleveland''': But this is no laughing matter! Grow up and get out of that costume!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Cleveland, Jr. gets into the fridge to get a can of pop. he opens the can]''
:'''Cleveland, Jr.''': ''[drops the can]'' What the Halloween?
:''[Rallo, Cleveland and Donna are in costumes]''
:'''Cleveland''': Check it out, Junior. I'm the late baseball hall-of-famer [[w:Willie Stargell|Willie Stargell]]. And Donna's [[Michelle Obama]] with [[Oprah Winfrey|Oprah]]'s arms.
:'''Donna''': Hey!
:''[Donna's arms wiggle, but she stops them]''
:'''Cleveland, Jr.''': But Pops, you said I was too old to dress up.
:'''Cleveland''': You are. And you're too young.
:'''Cleveland, Jr.''': Whhhaaattt?
:'''Cleveland''': See, you're at that awkward age where dressing up is lame.

=== ''[[w:Little Man on Campus|Little Man on Campus]]'' ===
:'''Ernie''': So Junior, how's your woodshop project going?
:''[Cleveland, Jr. is making a snow angel in the sawdust]''
:'''Cleveland, Jr.''': Whhheeee! I'm making sawdust angels.
:'''Ernie''': That's your project?
:'''Cleveland, Jr.''': Who cares? It's shop. It's not like a real class.
:'''Mr. Tanner''': Not a real class?
:''[Cleveland, Jr. turns to see Mr. Tanner]''
:'''Cleveland, Jr.''': I'm sorry. I didn't see you, Mr. Thumbs.
:''[everyone gasps and Mr. Tanner gets mad]''
:'''Ernie''': That's what we call him behind his back.
:'''Mr. Tanner''': You think these are funny?
:''[he shows his hands with no fingers]''
:'''Mr. Tanner''': I can't walk them damn street without people pulling over and asking to buy me a ride.
:'''Cleveland, Jr.''': ''[laughs]'' They think you're hitchhikers.
:'''Mr. Tanner''': You better get serious, young fella. This project is worth 75% of your grade.
:'''Cleveland, Jr.''': We get a grade in this class? Well if I failed sharp, I'll disappoint my father. And I've never disappointed my father!
:'''Mr. Tanner''': Get your act together, Brown. If your final project doesn't blow me away, I will not hesitate to give you an F.
:'''Cleveland, Jr.''': You would F me? Well how do you even write down grades?
:'''Mr. Tanner''': I report them orally. That's right, I will F you orally.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Chet Butler''': Just taking my state championship ring out for a little walk.
:''[his ring shines]''
:'''Cleveland''': Hmm.
:'''Chet Butler''': Of course you'll never know what that feels like, loser.
:'''Cleveland''': Yeah? Well ''you'll'' never know what loser feels like, winner.
:''[everyone cheers]''
:'''Chet Butler''': You've won this round, Cleveland. So I guess I ''do'' know what loser feels like.
:''[everyone gasps]''
:'''Tim''': I'm, uh, gonna go get a beer.
:''[everyone cheers again]''

=== ''[[w:Fat and Wet|Fat and Wet]]'' ===
:''[Stoolbend Channel 6 starts]''
:'''Cleveland, Jr.''': Shh, shh. It's coming. It's results time.
:'''Kendra''': I wish I could cross my fingers.
:'''Sylverster Stalone Voise''': Here now with the news, Dwayne Meighan.
:'''Dwayne Meighan''': Good evening. I'm Dwayne Meighan. Today was the day when they had had an election. Everybody went and said what they had about a mission called the Brown-Krinklesac for the fat people or the fat individual. They had people that you assign your name on a sheet and then you could say yes or no and that... was for you but everybody got to say yes or no. At this juncture, several people are on a voluntary basis had encountered what they had called a ballot. There was what they had said yes or no. They had made one pile for yes and another pile for those who said no. Both pile were then counted, double-checked as the result for which was made official were had been a mission had actually been defeated.
:''[a DEFEATED sign lands on the Brown-Krinklesac screen]''
:'''Cleveland, Jr''': Aww.
:''[Kendra sighs]''
:'''Donna''': I'm sorry, Junior.
:'''Dwayne Meighan''': They had had a camera out at what they had at a part on polling place earlier with my friend Larvell. Larvel.

=== ''[[w:Another Bad Thanksgiving|Another Bad Thanksgiving]]'' ===
:'''Donna''': ''[on the phone with Cleveland]'' No sign of Janet or Holt. How about you?
:'''Cleveland''': ''[on the phone with Donna]'' Nothing. And I've looked everywhere too. ''[takes a drink of his cocktail]'' Even as we speak, I'm sitting here with the Las Vegas Police Department searching through the reckus of all incoming citizens. Sipping coffee out of a little styrofoam cup in a windowless room. ''[Donna comes up as his voice is in both cell phones]'' Staring at a flickering computer screen...
:''[Donna gets mad]''
:'''Cleveland''': ''[cries]'' Oh, hoh-hoh-hoh-hoh. Oh, Donna. I'm in a pool. I'm sorry. I'll look, I'll find them. This pool don't mean nothing to me! As opposed I wanted to get caught. I'm sick! ''[finishes his cocktail and cries, still finishes drink his cocktail and continues crying, finishes the last of his cocktail and takes his straw and umbrella out, eats his lemon and tries to get the last drop of his cocktail]''
:'''Donna''': Give me a break.

=== ''[[w:Murray Christmas|Murray Christmas]]'' ===
:'''Murray''': Are you an idiot?! I want you to open the front door! It's heavy!
:'''Charles''': Hey, Murray! UP...YOURS!!!

=== ''[[w:Beer Walk!|Beer Walk!]]'' ===
:''[Peter, Quagmire and Joe are with Cleveland at the Beer Walk]''
:'''Cleveland''': Thanks for coming to get drunk for charity, guys.
:'''Peter''': Uh, whatever FOX is paying us. ''[looks around]'' Wow, Cleveland. I figured it was gonna be all black guys, but this is great.
:'''Cleveland''': Missed ya.
:'''Quagmire''': I came as soon as I heard. Then I drove straight down. Giggety-giggety.
:'''Cleveland''': Comedy-comedy. ''[to Joe]'' But seriously, Joe. ''[slowly]'' Thank you for coming here to help with our charity function for the &quot;disabled&quot;.
:'''Joe''': You do know I hear perfectly well. Don't ya, Cleveland?
:'''Cleveland''': I know you're trying. ''[turns Joe's wheelchair around]'' Brave, brave Joe. ''[pushes him as he screams]''
:'''Tim''': What do you think of Cleveland's old friends?
:'''Holt''': Gay.
:'''Lester''': Damn right gay.
:'''Tim''': Yeah, you guys are so gay. Gay, gay, gay, gay! So gay! ''[they laugh]''
:'''Peter''': Really uh, progressive-thinking friends you got there, Cleveland.
:'''Quagmire''': Yeah, I guess they like to throw around negatively inflective labels.
:''[Joe comes back]''
:'''Joe''': You guys are the gays!
:'''Peter''': No, Joe.
:'''Quagmire''': Joe.
:''[Last lines of the episode. Donna is washing the dishes]''
:'''Donna''': I'll teach him to wash my dishes in my own house. ''[realizes]'' Wait... what the fuck am I doin'?

=== ''[[w:Ain't Nothin' But Mutton Bustin'|Ain't Nothin' But Mutton Bustin']]'' ===
:''[Cleveland and Cleveland, Jr. are out for a drive with Cleveland, Jr. driving]''
:'''Cleveland''': Good. All right now accelerate just a little bit.
:'''Cleveland, Jr.''': How am I doing, Daddy?
:'''Cleveland''': Fine. Just put your pinkies down.
:''[Cleveland, Jr. puts his pinkies down. suddenly, they run over a pedestrian on a bike]''
:'''Cleveland''': ''[looks back]'' Oh my god! You hit a cyclist!
:'''Cleveland, Jr.''': What should I do, Daddy?
:'''Cleveland''': Drive, drive, drive!
:''[Cleveland, Jr. slams on the drive pedal and has his pinkies up. a police siren wails]''
:'''Cleveland''': Pinkies!
:'''Cleveland, Jr.''': 5-0, 5-0.
:'''Cleveland''': Faster, Junior!
:''[police siren continues wailing as Cleveland, Jr. turns left, then right]''
:'''Cleveland, Jr.''': I can't shake them!
:''[helicopters come by and a pilot shoots at the sides of the car and another shoots at Cleveland]''
:'''Cleveland, Jr.''': You're hit.
:'''Cleveland''': No, ''HE'S hit!'' ''[shoots at the helicopter and it lands in explosion]''
:''[Cleveland, Jr. steers out of control and they head for a tree]''
:'''Cleveland''': Look out for that tree! ''[they bump into it and the airbag activates]'' 
:''[the buzzer on the set is heard as the FAIL screen blinks. the set closes]''
:'''Cleveland''': So this is what your dad does every day.
:'''Cleveland, Jr.''': Wow, being a cable installer is stressful. No wonder you're always drunk.

=== ''[[w:How Do You Solve a Problem Like Roberta?|How Do You Solve a Problem Like Roberta?]]'' ===
:''[Arianna leaves as the audience gives an applause]''
:'''Wally Farquhare''': There, more like a cooler. Ooh. Am I right, fellas?
:'''Audience member''': No.
:'''Wally Farquhare''': All right. Now it's time to play &quot;Who can sit on a block of ice the longest?&quot;
:''[the stage curtain opens to reveal Holt, Mr. Armstrong, Cleveland, Tim, Gordy and Angus]''
:'''Wally Farquhare''': Gentlemen, I wanna see a clean sit. No hop outs, sparts, or clenches. ''[points his gun in the air]'' Go. ''[shoots it]''
:''[everybody pull down their pants as they sit on a block of ice]''
:'''Cleveland''': Uhh... Ohh, ohh.

:'''Cleveland''': Roberta, go to your room.
:'''Roberta''': Fuck you.
:''[she walks away, while Cleveland is left sobbing]''

''(during the drag race, a car crashes into Raymond, Tim and Arianna the Bear's stoner son. Raymond is in no pain, but the car is smashed up as if it hit a wall)''
:'''Raymond''': I'd like to solve the puzzle, Pat. ''(passes out on the hood)''

=== ''[[w:Like a Boss (The Cleveland Show)|Like a Boss]]'' ===
:'''Cleveland''': This retreat is a waste of diesel fuel.

:'''Cleveland''': I gotta be ruthless, like Bob the Builder before his morning coffee.
:''[We see Bob the Builder trying to give a building instructor money. He shakes his head and the two men fight. Bob then walks up to him and bludgeons him to death with a hammer. Bob then has his vehicle friends build a house on top of the instructor's body.]''

=== ''[[w:A Short Story and a Tall Tale|A Short Story and a Tall Tale]]'' ===
:'''Dwight Howard''': Hey, Mom. Why is Stanley from ''[[The Office (U.S. TV series)|The Office]]'' yelling at you?
:'''Cleveland''': I am not Stanley from ''[[The Office (U.S. TV series)|The Office]]''.

===''[[w:Terry Unmarried|Terry Unmarried]]''===
:'''Rallo''': So what do say during naptime I crawl on your mat when Mrs. Lowenstein didn't look, we could kiss each other on the.... 
:''[he picks his nose, rolls the booger, flicks it in his mouth and eats it]''
:'''Rallo''':Mmm..Lips.
:'''Little Black Girl''': Eww!
:''[runs away]''
:'''Rallo''': What the... What'd I say? Bernard, Theodore. Y'all see that? She crazy!
:'''Bernard''': What you expect? You just ate a booger in front of her. That ain't cool.
:'''Rallo''': Why not? Boogers are fun, free and delicious. Besides, that guy's doing it and he looks pretty cool.
:''[an Asian guy on the sidewalk picks his nose and eat it]''
:'''Asian Guy''': Ahh, it's all fun.
:'''Theodore''': Yeah. Well, girls don't think it's cool. They think it's gross. And if you don't quit eating them boogers, you ain't gonna sco no mo.
:'''Rallo''': Ain't gonna sco no mo?! That was a booger. I swallowed it.

===''[[w:The Blue, the Gray and the Brown|The Blue, the Gray and the Brown]]''===
:'''B. Emerson Plunkett V''': And now, let us sing the town song.
:''[they start singing]''
:'''All''': ''Oh, Stoolbend, lies Stoolbend. Whiter than whipped cream.''
:'''Cleveland''': What are them, what now?
:'''All''': ''We proudly vow to never have a good basketball team.''
:'''Cleveland''': Those are the words?!
:'''All''': ''Your white line shines brightly, all brightness it shooes.''
:'''Cleveland''': Oh my god.
:'''All''': ''And don't even get us started on taco munchers and Jews.''
:'''Cleveland''': Woah!

===''[[w:The Way the Cookie Crumbles|The Way the Cookie Crumbles]]''===
:'''Cleveland''': You're living in a storage unit?!
:''[Evelyn and LeVar look at each other]''
:'''LeVar''': Yeah, thankful close owners. So we moved in here.
:'''Cleveland''': What happened to your savings?
:'''LeVar''': They're gone. Okay? I got scammed.
:''[leaves]''
:'''Cleveland''': Scammed? What was it? A flim-flam, ponzi scheme, pyramid, straw men, three car monte, bayton switch, smash n' grab, ticklin' tate, jerk and jet, blow and go?
:'''LeVar''': Nah, nothing like that. It was a telemarketing scam.
:'''Cleveland''': A ring-ring sting? That's the oldest one? Oh my, you become a dumb old man. Ah, hoh-hoh! This is delicious! Ha-hoh! This makes me happier than a butterfly when he runs into his caterpillar ex-girlfriend.
:''[Rick gets a cup of coffee]''
:'''Rick''': Karen?
:'''Karen''': Oh. Hey, Rick. What have you been up to?
:'''Rick''': What have I been up to? I'm flyin', I'm freakin' flyin'. Have fun on the ground with that drummer, you bitch!
:''[flies away]''
:'''Evelyn''': Cleveland, please. We lost everything.
:'''Cleveland''': Mom. Oh, that's right. You're homeless too. This makes me sadder than a butterfly when he runs into his caterpillar ex-girlfriend.
:'''Rick''': Have fun on the ground with that drummer, you bitch! ''[flies away, then cries]''
:'''Cleveland''': Oh, Mom. I'm sorry this had to happen to you. You shouldn't be forced to live like this because you married a fool.
:''[LeVar get saddened]''
:'''Cleveland''': The two of you shall move into Wilbermoore. My house, that's what I named it.  

===''[[w:To Live and Die in VA|To Live and Die in VA]]''===
:''[Donna measures Cleveland, Jr.]''
:'''Cleveland, Jr.''': Hee-hee, hah-hah!
:''[leaves]''
:'''Donna''': Come on, Rallo. You're up. ''[Rallo's hair is big]'' Rallo, you've grown a foot and a half. Young man, it is time I give you another haircut.
:'''Rallo''': No offense, Mama. But I'm ready to get a real haircut from someone who qualified to cut hair.
:'''Donna''': Oh, so suddenly my master's in cosmetology means nothing.
:'''Rallo''': Yeah, suddenly.
:''[Donna cuts a piece of Rallo's hair]''
:'''Donna''': Well, I guess I can't help you with that. Little smart ass.

===''[[w:The Essence of Cleveland|The Essence of Cleveland]]''===
:''[the police are chasing the bad guys]''
:''[one of them gunshoots, then the police shoots. the shooting continues as they bump into a red car, then the police car bumps into it and they tumble over]''
:''[Cleveland is at a hat sale]''
:'''Cleveland''': ''Trying on a hat, yes I'm trying on a...''
:''[sees the van screeching out of control]''
:'''Cleveland''': Aaah!
:''[the van bumps into Cleveland and the bowler hat went flying in the air and lands on the ground]''

===''[[w:Ship'rect|Ship'rect]]''===
:''[Roberta slams the door on Cleveland]''
:'''Donna''': Roberta, what's wrong?
:'''Roberta''': What's wrong? Where I am innocently exploit Cleveland's celebirity connection, and the whole time he's just trying to pit me out!
:'''Rallo''': ''[on the intercom]'' First good idea you had since you showed up in this peace.
:'''Cleveland''': What the hell was that?
:'''Donna''': It's Rallo. I got him an intercom so he doesn't feel left out.
:'''Rallo''': ''[on the intercom]'' So how much we gettin' for the girl?
:'''Roberta''': Shut up, Rallo. ''[turns off the intercom]''
:'''Rallo''': Hey, that's not my connection to the outside world. I exist! Rallo!
:'''Donna''': Cleveland, I think you owe Roberta an apology.
:'''Cleveland''': Okay, I'm sorry. Look, maybe I pushed things a little too fast. So let's just slow it down with a nice dinner for you, me, Barry and Larry. B. Shadwell and I already took the liberty of making reservations.
:'''Donna''': You're going to that dinner alone. My daughter's not for sale like some Chinese baby.
:''[chong]''
:'''Man''': This is a dream come true.
:'''Woman''': I'm so excited to pick up Maline.
:'''Chinese Guy''': Well, here she is. 
:''[Maline cries as the Chinese guy puts her in a Chinese box, puts in a bag and staples the top]''
:'''Chinese Guy''': ''[shows them the bag]'' No MSG!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

===''[[w:Back to Cool|Back to Cool]]''===
:'''Tim''': Ow! My eye!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[episode starts, Cleveland sits in couch, reading newspaper]''
:'''Cleveland''': Ese no bueno.
:''[Rallo jumps on the couch and takes the newspaper from Cleveland and throws it at Roberta]''
:'''Roberta''': ''[screams]'' A homeless blanket touched me!
:''[Rallo grabs remote from Roberta]''
:'''Rallo''': Yeah. ''Toddlers and Tiaras''. Five-year-old anorexics forced to get spray tans.
:'''Roberta''': Hey! I was watching whatever that was.
:''[both Roberta and Rallo fight their way into upstairs]''
:''[doorbell rings]''
:'''Cleveland''': ''[annoyed]'' I hope that's a child murderer.
:''[Cleveland opens up door, finds to be Robert]''
:'''Cleveland''': Close enough.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[Roberta, Robert, Jr. and Rallo walk into the skate park, goes into park, dogs bark]''
:'''Robert''': Now, all the dogs are blindfolded, so it's a fair fight. But if they start wilding out, we're going to have to scram right quick.
:''[Robert looks towards Junior]''
:'''Robert''': Junior, they'll come after you first, 'cause of they'll smell your salty meat sweat. But you big, you can handle them.
:''[Robert, Jr. steps back]''
:'''Cleveland, Jr.''': That genie was right, salty meat sweat was a bad wish.

===''[[w:Your Show of Shows (The Cleveland Show)|Your Show of Shows]]''===
:'''Cleveland''': And what's with this G-Mail? I just got used to E-Mail, will someone please tell me why we skipped F-Mail?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Mrs. Lowenstein''': It's time to sign up for the school's annual participation show, because certain parents felt that the word &quot;talent&quot; set up unreasonable expectations.

===''[[w:Hot Cocoa Bang Bang|Hot Cocoa Bang Bang]]''===
:'''Cleveland''': And Danny Trejo, I loved it when you raped that guy in ''[[American Me]]''.
:'''Danny Trejo''': That was Edward James Olmos.
:'''Cleveland''': You raped Edward James Olmos? Shame on you! He taught those kids math! !No es bueno!

== External links ==
{{wikipedia|The Cleveland Show (season 2)}}
* {{imdb title|id=1195935|title=The Cleveland Show}}
* [http://www.fox.com/programming/shows/?sh=the-cleveland-show TheClevelandShow.com]
* [http://tvtdb.com/theclevelandshow Episode transcripts] at TVTDB.com

{{DEFAULTSORT:Cleveland Show, The}}
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  <page>
    <title>Raising Hope</title>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:11:23Z</timestamp>
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'''''[[w:Raising Hope|Raising Hope]]''''' (2010–2014) is an American TV show that aired on Fox, about a 23-year-old who must raise his infant daughter, conceived by a one-night stand, with the help of his nutty family after the baby's mother (a serial killer) is given a death sentence and executed when the baby is six months old.

== Season 1 ==
=== ''[[w:Pilot (Raising Hope)|Pilot]]'' [1.01] ===
:'''Lucy's Victim''': She tried to choke me with a pair of shoelaces. She was screaming something about how I forgot her birthday. I chased her for a few blocks, but then she jumped into a van with some guy. Good luck, dude. Her birthday's May 12th. I'd buy a card now.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Listen, I have a question about this food and it might be a stupid question, but I-I feel I should ask.
:'''Sabrina''': I'm sure it's not stupid.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay. Well, um, the book I have says I should feed her vegetables and I want to do that, but the only vegetable jars I found have pictures of either black babies or Asian babies on them, and I don't know if the pictures are random, you know, or if there's a reason Asian babies instead of white ones should eat these particular string beans?
:'''Sabrina''': That is a really good question. The colors of the babies on the jars don't matter, however it's really important that you do not feed her anything with a picture of a boy on it or else she will grow a penis. And a mustache.
:'''Jimmy''': I said it might be a stupid question.
:'''Sabrina''': Yeah you did. I just... really wasn't prepared for that.

=== ''[[w:Dead Tooth|Dead Tooth]]'' [1.02] ===

:'''Jimmy''': Hey, I thought I talked to you about this. You can't smoke around the baby.
:'''Virginia''': Jimmy, smoke rises. She's not gonna be tall enough to breathe it for a long time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Burt has just placed Maw Maw in the smoking bubble he created.]''
:'''Virginia''': The hell is that?
:'''Burt''': I can't get her to quit. She burns me every time I bring it up, so I built her a bubble.
:''[Maw Maw smacks him from inside the bubble.]''
:'''Burt''': It's loosely based off the plans of cousin Mike had when he built in the walk in bong and technically as long as she stays in here, there's no smoke in the house. So you have to quit.
:'''Virginia''': No I don't. If she gets a bubble, I want a bubble.

=== ''Dream Hoarders'' [1.03] ===

:'''Burt''': ''[about Maw Maw]'' Hey, have you seen this? As long as I have [[w:Istanbul (Not Constantinople)|this song]] playing, she can't lose.
:'''Virginia''': I know. It's weird how music kicks in certain things in her brain, like the other day I found out &quot;America the Beautiful&quot; makes her poop faster.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Virginia''': ''[Upon discovering Hope is trapped in the greenhouse]'' I'm freaking out a little bit here, Burt. I'm not doing well with this. Think of something. How are we gonna fix this? Think.
:'''Burt''': You know I can't think on demand like that.
:'''Virginia''': Think!
:'''Burt''': Stop saying think! Every time you say think all I can think is the word think-
:'''Virginia''': All right, all right!
:'''Burt''': -And it fills up my whole brain. Think, think, think. It keeps changing colors and sizes, I can't get past it!

=== ''Say Cheese'' [1.04] ===

:'''Sabrina''': Jimmy, are you missing a clump of hair in this photo?
:'''Virginia''': Yes, he is. He ate it.
:'''Sabrina''': Excuse me?
:'''Jimmy''': Someone stressed me out so much that I started pulling out my hair and eating it as a nervous twitch.
:'''Sabrina''': You look awful. Why didn't you just shave your head?
:'''Virginia''': Oh god no. He's a birthmark on his head that looks like a big old...
:'''Jimmy''': Florida. Shaped like Florida... Florida with balls.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sabrina''': Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it. Who plays the piano?
:'''Jimmy''': Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody's nerves.

=== ''Happy Halloween'' [1.05] ===
:'''Policeman''': What's going on?
:'''Maw Maw''': Mommy and I are doing a trick.
:'''Virginia''': The bitch who lives here wouldn't give us any candy. You're not really going to hassle us for pulling a prank on Halloween, are ya?
:'''Policeman''': I might seeing as how the pranksters are both adults, this is my house and I'm married to the bitch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Burt''': ''[explaining why he scares Jimmy just so he can get hugged]'' I'm sorry but when you turned thirteen you barely hugged me any more and then that damn high five came along. I had to do whatever I could to feel your chest against mine.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maw Maw''':''[face is covered in chocolate from eating candy]'' Grampa did you bring any more candy?
:'''Jimmy''':''[Holding Hope as she laughs at Maw Maw]'' Mom!
:'''Virginia''': Oh, my god. Burt, Maw Maw got into the candy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Virginia''': You were supposed to be watching Maw Maw. When she gets into the candy, she thinks she's 9 years old again.
:'''Burt''': I like 9-year-old Maw Maw, we play jacks.

=== ''Family Secrets'' [1.06] ===

:'''Jimmy''': Did you guys lie to me?
:'''Burt''': She did - not me, I do not practice &quot;deceitary.&quot;
:'''Virginia''': What about &quot;I know what I'm doing - you won't get pregnant?&quot;
:'''Burt''': I believed it at the time.
:'''Jimmy''': What did you lie to me about mom?
:'''Virginia''': It doesn't matter - they were dumb little nothings. Like when Rexie died, he didn't really go to hunt rabbits with [[w:Stone Cold Steve Austin|Stone Cold Steve Austin's]] dogs. And the reason you shouldn't pick your butt is not because there's an eel living in there and he might bite your finger off, it's just because you shouldn't pick your butt.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Can we start saying 'execute' again? I thought 'put her down' would be nicer for the baby but it's still feeling like she died at the pound.
:'''Burt''': I thought 'barbecue' her was a smart way to live it up but no one wanted to try that.
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;Hope, your mommy's not here because the governor had her barbecued.&quot; Ah, it is close. There's pros and cons.

=== ''The Sniffles'' [1.07] ===

:'''Burt''': Slow down there Jimmy. Do you even know what the hell you are doing?
:'''Virginia''': Of course he knows what he's doing Burt. It's a computer, not a condom.

=== ''Blue Dots'' [1.08] ===

:'''Jimmy''': You're sure you don't want to brush your hair?
:'''Virginia''': Oh right, 'cuz if I'm going to be picking up bottles and old rubbers, I really want to look my best.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Burt''':[at the first neighbor's doorstep] Hi. Are you looking for someone to care for your lawn? Cause I'm not one of those mow and blow guys. Cause I will weed, prune, plant. I'm dependable and trustworthy. Here's my card.
:''[gives the neighbor his card.]''
:'''Burt''': Also I'm a sexual offender.
:''[the neighbor tosses his card and closes the door. At the next neighbor's house]''
:'''Burt''': Good News, I'm not a Jehovah's Witness. Bad News, I'm a sex offender.
:''[another neighbor closes her door. At another neighbor's house, Burt is seen though the top of the front door's small door.]''
:'''Burt''': Hello, I'm your neighbor, Burt Chance. I just want to let you know there's a sexual predator living in the neighborhood. It's me!
:''[The neighbor closes the door. The scene changes to Burt at another neighbor's house giving back her staple gun.]''
:'''Burt''': About 8 years ago, I borrowed your staple gun. Oh, also I'm a sexual predator.
:''[The woman tries to hit Burt with a staple gun and he runs. She tackles him to the ground and put staples on his back with a staple gun.]''

=== ''Meet the Grandparents'' [1.09] ===

:'''Virginia''': ''[to Jimmy]'' I'm allowed to criticize you. I made you. You're my mistake.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sabrina''': Worst Thanksgiving ever. We had this cheese sauce that irritated my Dad's IBS - he spent the whole afternoon in the bathroom but forced us to include him via video chat.
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, well my baby was stolen - twice.
:'''Sabrina''': I can't beat that - let's drink!

=== ''Burt Rocks'' [1.10] ===

:'''Burt''': If I go suck on stage I've got nobody to blame but myself.
:'''Jimmy''': I get that, I do, but you also spent 20 years being known as a yard and pool guy and I think I remember you saying you wanted to be known for something more. ''[Burt nods]'' You can do this Dad, I know you can and if you don't I'll still love you but you gotta try!
:''[Burt moves forward to hug Jimmy, Jimmy backs away and holds up a finger to signal Burt to stop]''
:'''Jimmy''': Do not kiss me on the lips!
:'''Burt''': You stop saying stuff that makes me want to!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Burt''': Babies are cool... until you've done everything there's to do with them, then you get bored. That's why TV shows about babies never last more than a year.

=== ''Toy Story'' [1.11] ===

:'''Virginia''': ''[to Kate]'' I am fine with an Asian Jesus, but let's be real here: that's a 3-year-old fat kid.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maw Maw''': ''[looking at herself in the mirror dressed as a wiseman]'' Who the hell moved my vagina?

=== ''Romeo and Romeo'' [1.12] ===

:'''Sabrina''': ''[seeing Jimmy and Justin hang out]'' Look at you two hanging out-like two penises in a pod.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maw Maw''': ''[wheeling out from under Burt's truck]'' Well the universal ball joint's no picnic, but the transmission's been leaking around four spots. Why didn't you have me look at it earlier?
:'''Burt''': You're never lucid for this long. Had a chance last week, but by the time I got you in the coveralls, you thought you were an exterminator and spent three and a half hours under the house.
:'''Maw Maw''': Did I kill anything?
:'''Jimmy''': Two rats and a snake.
:'''Maw Maw''': Man, the things you people tell me I do. Getting old is quite a ride.

=== ''A Germ of a Story'' [1.13] ===

:'''Burt''': People in glass houses should not throw stones...or sleep naked.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Burt''': ''[about picking his nose with all of his fingers]'' I like to mix it up. Different ones get to different places.

=== ''What Up, Cuz?'' [1.14] ===
:''[Burt is in his underwear hiding from Maw Maw, who thinks he is her dead husband Wilfred]''
:'''Burt''': Hey, Jimmy?
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, Dad?
:'''Burt''': You think this kind of stuff happens in other people's houses in the middle of the night and they're just too embarrassed to talk about it?
:'''Jimmy''': I hope so.
:'''Burt''': Me, too.
:'''Jimmy''': Good night.
:'''Burt''': Good night.
:'''Maw Maw''': Wilfred!
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Virginia''': Well, I couldn't have her come over and see what a mess my life was. You both had boots on your head.

=== ''Snip Snip'' [1.15] ===
:''[After Maw Maw readily voted with Jimmy]''
:'''Burt''': She is only allowed to vote if she's lucid.
:'''Virginia''': Maw Maw, we are currently at war with what country?
:'''Maw Maw''': Iraq and Afghanistan.
:'''Jimmy''': Is she right?
:'''Burt''': I think so, but I'm not sure.
:'''Maw Maw''': It's right, you morons. One more reason why you shouldn't have another baby. Look, we're five people living in a four person house. We need another baby like we need a gorilla throwing fireworks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Virginia''': We are responsible! We're also passionate and spontaneous.
:'''Burt''': Yeah those would be our gladiator names if we were on American Gladiator.

=== ''The Cultish Personality'' [1.16] ===

:'''Bruce''': ''[about Mike]'' When you find him, beat him black and blue.
:'''Policeman''': I'd love to, but with the internet and phone cameras, the fun's over.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Burt''': ''[to Mike]'' I wish your dad was here for this, but he's busy being a big throbbing tool. Let's call him up and rub the happiness in his face.

=== ''Mongooses'' [1.17] ===

:'''Natalie''': You can't fight a mountain lion. All you can do is lay back and go meet Jesus.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Burt''': Pygmies freak me out. The women run around topless. They look like little girls with knockers.

=== ''Cheaters'' [1.18] ===

:'''Virginia''': All college guys cheat when they're in a long distance relationship. Why do you think I didn't let your dad go off to college?
:'''Jimmy''': 'Cuz he didn't graduate high school?
:'''Virginia''': For your information, there are universities that advertise on late night television that are willing to overlook that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Burt''': Noses are the unsung hero of the face, ties the whole thing together. Name one good looking person without a nose...can't do it.

=== ''Sleep Training'' [1.19] ===

:''[Zoe walks into the studio completely naked]''
:'''Rosa''': Jimmy, you look so freaked out, like a deer caught in his girlfriend's high beams.
:'''Jimmy''': I'm not freaked out. I always figured the first time I saw her naked would be with a bunch of strangers and my mom's boss.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donovan''': Hell Chinese moms don't even give the kid a pillow. Yeah, they throw a violin and a laptop in the crib and say &quot;Learn it by morning, donkey!&quot; I mean, that's why the Chinese are beating us at everything.

=== ''Everybody Flirts...Sometimes''[1.20] ===

:'''Virginia''': ''[to Gary]'' I'm sure somewhere out there there is a woman that wants to be lured into your apartment to find you naked. Maybe you should try Greg's List!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Burt''': When it comes to being a hunter gatherer, I don't have a lot of weapons. I'm not that bright, I'm not that smart, and I don't have a lot of intelligence.

===''Baby Monitor'' [1.21] ===

:'''Jimmy''': ''[after seeing Sabrina's commercial]'' That's not fair. You used my daughter without my permission. Would you make your own baby?
:'''Frank''': Yeah. Come on Sabrina. Let's go make our own baby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Virginia''': Burt, why are you infusiating yourself in other people's lives?
:'''Burt''': I like this guy. He reminds me of me. We both have brown hair and hate museums.

===''Don't Vote for This Episode''[1.22] ===

:'''Rosa''': It seems my mother thinks that your son is the Devil.
:'''Virginia''': Hah! I kinda doubt the devil would still be a virgin at eighteen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Virginia''': Did you hear that? Maw Maw's got a surprise for you Jimmy!
:'''Jimmy''': ''[slams his hand onto the table]'' You know that's not my name! If you want to address me, you must call me Drakkar Noir.
:'''Virginia''': Like the man's perfume, right?
:'''Jimmy''': It means Black Dragonship.
:''[momentary pause]''
:'''Burt''': Your makeup looks nice today.

==Season 2==

===''Prodigy'' [2.01]===

:''[The Chances visit the doctor to learn more about Jimmy's talent and memory loss]''
:'''Jimmy''': ...and I haven't been able to remember anything, and I haven't been able to play the piano or sing ever since.
:'''Dr. Finklestein''': That's fascinating! Because when you guys walked in here, I thought for sure you were looking for oxycontin.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Virginia''': ''[to Jimmy after he realizes he used to know how to perform]'' Okay, fine... at one point in your life, you might have been a little... amazingly talented.

===''Sabrina Has Money'' [2.02]===
:'''Sabrina''': I cut myself off. I'd would rather live like crap on money that I earned myself than live like a princess on money that somebody else gave me.
:''[The Chances burst out laughing]''
:'''Burt''': That is the dumbest thing I ever heard.
:'''Virginia''': Money you don't have to work for is the best kind.
:'''Burt''': It's like getting paid for not having a job. It's the best kind of job not to have.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, my God, you think you're better than them.
:'''Sabrina''': That's-that's Not what I'm s--Okay, the thing is, is that what--Oh, come on, you got to give me Frank; I'm better than Frank.
:'''Jimmy''': No, you're not. You're smarter and less creepy than Frank, but Frank is better at not feeling superior to people.

===''Kidnapped'' [2.03]===
:'''Virginia''': That's the reason your father's always hated cauliflower.
:'''Jimmy''': No, I thought it was because it's not a real flower and it looks like brains.
:'''Virginia''': Fine, he has a lot of good reasons to hate cauliflower.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Jack''': Look, we're both straight. We're just two straight guys kissing, thinking about girls.
:'''Burt''': How about this? How about you go find a girl? 
:'''Jack''': Dude, we live in an RV. We eat leftovers out of hotel hallways. That's, I mean, there aren't going to be any girls.

===''Henderson, Nevada-Adjacent Baby! Henderson, Nevada-Adjacent!'' [2.04]===
:'''Delilah''': We are sparing no expenses since my Air Force officer just got a big fat bonus for--well, I can't tell you why, but let's just say the Israelis are gonna get blamed for it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Sabrina''': You gonna go? I didn't really think you were the Vegas type.
:'''Jimmy''': That's because you only really know &quot;Daddy&quot; Jimmy. You don't know &quot;sex in the back of my van with a serial killer&quot; Jimmy. I used to be a wild man before this little ball-and-chain came and threw a wet blanket on my party fire.
:'''Sabrina''': Oh.
:'''Jimmy''': She is cute, though, isn't she? Oh, Daddy can't do nothing anymore now you came along, you little cutie patootie. ''[babbling baby talk]''
:'''Sabrina''': You need to party.

===''Killer Hope'' [2.05]===
:'''Shelly''': We don't care for Jeremy; he's a bit difficult.
:'''Sabrina''': Jeremy's a fart face.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Virginia''': Eat your dinner before it melts.
:'''Jimmy''': Popsicles and olives? Have we just given up? 

===''Jimmy and the Kid'' [2.06]===
:''[Jimmy and Sabrina are watching Frank serve a woman at the deli counter]''
:'''Sabrina''': &quot;Yo, my parents named me Frank, 'cause they love tube-shaped meat.&quot; 
:'''Jimmy''': Let me do the lady. &quot;I'll take a quarter pound of the chicken salad.&quot; 
:'''Sabrina''': But that's what she would probably say.
:'''Jimmy''': I know. That's why I said it.
:'''Sabrina''': Yeah, you don't get what we're doing, do you?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Virginia''': Burt, I will steal coins from a fountain, I'll even do clinical drug trials again, as long as I'm not the placebo; I don't like feeling tricked. But there is no amount of gold that's worth rummaging through that lady's butt custard.

===''Burt's Parents'' [2.07]===
:'''Sabrina''': So I take it Burt's relationship with his parents is kind of estranged? 
:'''Virginia''': Oh, no, it's completely strange.
:'''Sabrina''': Two malaprops in a row. God, I love this family.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Ralph''': Here you go, Brucie, a dollar for every &quot;A.&quot; Keep getting grades like that, I'm going to have to get a second job.
:'''Young Burt''': Hey, I got two &quot;A's&quot; on my report card.
:'''Young Bruce''': You know what else has two &quot;A's&quot;? &quot;Jackass.&quot; 
:'''Ralph''': (laughing) We don't mean to laugh, but your brother's very clever. &quot;Jackass&quot; does have two &quot;A's&quot; in it. In the spellin--there's two &quot;A's&quot; in the--Go play with your trucks.

===''Bro-gurt'' [2.08]===
:'''Virginia''': What about a TV channel just for news? Wait - they'll have to fill up too many hours and resort to sensationalizing non-issues and stirring up partisan bickering. Scratch that idea. It sucks.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': I'm not gonna argue with her. That's what Wyatt does, and I'm gonna do the opposite.
:'''Frank''': ...The opposite of the guy she has sex with. Good strategy.

===''The Men of New Natesville'' [2.09]===
:'''Burt''': You got to get your edge back, man.
:'''Jimmy''': I haven't lost my edge.
:'''Virginia''': ''[walks in carrying frilly hats]'' It was a windy day outside the black church, so I got a couple of good ones. I'll go make your virgin mint juleps. Our pretty little ponies are running in the Pretty Little Kentucky Derby later.
:'''Jimmy''': Maybe I've lost a bit of my edge.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Burt''': Hey, Frank. You seen Jimmy? 
:'''Frank''': No. I haven't seen Jimmy. Jimmy who? 
:'''Burt''': Jimmy, my son. He went out with you last night.
:'''Frank''': Nope.
:'''Burt''': What's with the tarp and the shallow grave you're digging there? 
:'''Frank''': I may be putting in a pool. Or digging to China. What business is it of yours? I think you're the one who's shallow.
:'''Burt''': Cards on the table, Frank: Did you kill my boy?

===''It's A Hopeful Life'' [2.10]===
:''[Jimmy catches his friends in line to see a movie spoofing him and his family]''
:'''Jimmy''': Hey, what are you guys doing?! You promised me you weren't gonna see the movie! 
:'''Frank''': To be fair, we never thought you'd find out.
:'''Barney''': Sorry, James. It looks funny. I did it for employee morale. Not yours, of course. If you were anyone but you, you'd understand.
:'''Sabrina''': Guys, I got a purse full of licorice--Ooh! ''[holds up piece of licorice to her lip like a mustache, speaks in Italian accent]'' Mama mia! A-what-a Christmas is this! I got to go to make-a de pizza.
:''[Jimmy drives away angrily]''
:'''Sabrina''': You think he bought that? 
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Jimmy is stuck in world where he never had Hope; Sabrina earlier propositioned him for money]''
:'''Sabrina''': What are you still doing here, dirtbag? You looking to rob the place? What are you looking at her for? You think she's prettier than me? Huh? Think these were a waste of money?
:'''Jimmy''': No, no! They're worth every penny! Please, I need your help.
:'''Sabrina''': Why would I help you? 
:'''Jimmy''': Because underneath that 30 pounds of perfectly molded silicone, I know there's the heart of a good person. God, I wish I had $20.

===''Mrs. Smartypants'' [2.11]===
:'''Jimmy''': Have you tried making a Checker-Bucket? It's where you put the checkers in, and let them take it out one at at a time. It's good for the slower kids. That's what my parents did for me.
:'''Customer''': Oh, they must be very proud. Are you able to live on your own, sweetheart? 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[cheerfully]'' Not yet.
:'''Customer''': Well, someday.
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mr. Swift''': &quot;I don't know&quot; is not an answer, Mr. Chance.
:'''Jimmy''': It's Drakkar Noir. I hate this class. I want to live in a classless society.
:'''Mr. Swift''': Okay, you're mixing up two different uses of the word &quot;class.&quot; 
:'''Jimmy''': Man, why do you always have to correct everything when I talk? 
:'''Mr. Swift''': It's &quot;when I speak,&quot; and it's my job.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, correct this. I quit. I don't need high school. I'm gonna be a famous artist like Picasso or Ed Hardy or Vincent van - uh, van - 
:'''Mr. Swift''': Gogh.
:'''Jimmy''': I'm going! God. Come on, Venom, we're out of here.
:'''Venom''': Dude, did you not read the restraining order? Stop talking to me, and change your clothes. You're embarrassing an entire movement.
:'''Jimmy''': Cool. I'll see you at the mall.

===''Gambling Again'' [2.13]===
:'''Burt''': No, no, no! How does a guy with one ball win a bicycle race three years in a row?! Oh, less drag! Less drag.
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Frank''': Three years ago, Barney bet me I couldn't fit ten marshmallows in my mouth. Two weeks later, we were selling our blood for some action on women's bowling. Gambling is a harsh mistress.

===''Jimmy's Fake Girlfriend''[2.14]===
:'''Jimmy''': Did she sound snippy?
:'''Frank''': Hard to tell. Everyone's snippy with me, I'm Frank.
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Sabrina''': I hate kissing in public.

===''Sheer Madness''[2.15]===
:''[Jimmy and Sabrina are preparing to go to sleep]''
:'''Jimmy''': I'm going to grab an extra blanket, it gets pretty cold in here at night. There's a big hole in the wall. I usually stuff a sock in there, but I needed one yesterday, and...
:''[Turns back to see Sabrina has pulled a pair of pantyhose over her head]''
:'''Sabrina''': ...We should probably talk about this.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay. Are you robbing me?
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Jimmy has covered himself in tarantulas to help Sabrina get over her arachnophobia]''
:'''Jimmy''': Hey, how's it going!
:'''Sabrina''': ''[shocked screaming]''
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, calm down, I'm all right, I'm not in any danger.
:'''Sabrina''': ''[screaming incoherently]''
:'''Jimmy''': I did some research, and this is a way to overcome your fear!
:'''Sabrina''': ''[panicked, terrified screaming]''
:'''Jimmy''': Once you realize that I'm okay...
:'''Sabrina''': ''[continues to scream]''
:'''Jimmy''': ...you'll see there's nothing to be afraid of.
:'''Sabrina''':  ''[continues to scream]''
:'''Virginia''': What in the world... ''[sees spiders, also begins to scream]''
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, if you guys could please stop screaming, I think you're starting to freak the spiders out a little bit.

===''Single White Female Role Model'' [2.16]===

===''Spanks Butt, No Spanks'' [2.17]===
:''[Sabrina walks into the kitchen]''
:'''Virginia''': Coffee?
:'''Sabrina''': No thanks. Do you have tea?
:''[Everyone begins mocking Sabrina]''
:'''Burt''': ''[in British accent]'' Yes, we have tea, after we finish cleaning our chimneys!
:'''Virginia''': ''[in British accent]'' What say we make some mugs of tea and drink them with our pinkies out, and then throw another shrimp on the barbie?
:''[Everyone laughs at Sabrina]''
:'''Sabrina''': I'm going to take this little skit to mean that you DON'T have tea.
:'''Virginia''': Oh, we have tea. It's on the shelf behind the crackers and next to the beef boullion cubes.
:'''Burt''': I forgot about those! Grab me one, they're like little meat-flavored hard candies.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Virginia''': ''[spraying perfume on a toy in order to trap a raccoon]'' [[Jennifer Aniston]] by Jennifer Aniston. No man can resist this. Except [[Brad Pitt]].
:'''Sabrina''': And [[John Mayer]].
:'''Virginia''': And [[w:Vince Vaughn|Vince Vaughn]].
:'''Sabrina''': [[w:Bradley Cooper|Bradley Cooper]].
:'''Virginia''': And that [[w:Adam Duritz|homeless looking guy]] from [[Counting Crows]].

===''Poking Holes in the Story'' [2.18]===
:'''Natalie''': We know how to use condoms, we put them on cucumbers in class.
:'''Virginia''': First of all, putting them on cucumbers is just setting yourself up for a disappointment.
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Sabrina''': Jimmy, you know I love your quirky family, but you nailing your great-grandmother is gonna be a real deal-breaker.

==Season 3==

===''Not Indecent, But Not Quite Decent Enough Proposal'' [3.01]===
:'''Maw Maw''': And I'd like to live in it alone just once before I die! So hurry up and ask that long-haired pretty boy to marry you before the Republicans get back into office and make it a sin.
:'''Sabrina''': ''[angrily]'' Maw Maw, I'm not telling you this again. I am a WOMAN.
:'''Maw Maw''': And I'm not telling YOU this again. Show me your vagina, and I'll believe you.
:'''Sabrina''': NO!
:'''Maw Maw''': Burt showed me his!
:''[Everyone looks at Burt quizzically]''
:'''Burt''': I know that sounded like I have a vagina. Which I DON'T. ...I was peeing the other day, and... I'll explain later.

===''Throw Maw Maw From the House - Part 1'' [3.02]===

===''Throw Maw Maw From the House - Part 2'' [3.03]===
:'''Sabrina''': So far, we have figured out which random household item will represent each one of us. And I still don't think it's funny that you made me the nutcracker.
:'''Burt''': Oh, it's not what you think. It has nothing to do with that creepy vacant stare you do. We just chose that because you're always breaking Jimmy's balls.
:''[Sabrina glares at Burt; Burt recoils in fear]''
:'''Jimmy''': There's the stare...
:'''Sabrina''': Jimmy...
:'''Virginia''': And there's the crunch.
:'''Sabrina''': Okay, does anybody actually have a plan??

===''If a Ham Falls in the Woods'' [3.04]===
:''[During a couples compatibility game]''
:'''Reverend Bob''': A meteor is heading to your house. What would your partner say was the one thing you would save? Burt?
:'''Burt''': The world.
:''[Virginia flips over her card: &quot;The World&quot;]''
:'''Reverend Bob''': Jimmy? 
:'''Jimmy''': I don't know. We use the toaster oven a lot.
:''[Sabrina flips over her card: &quot;Hope&quot;]''
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, yeah, that's better. She's right on that one.
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[In response to the question, &quot;What did the men say is your most embarrassing secret?&quot;]''
:'''Sabrina''': I'm afraid of spiders crawling in my ears, so sometimes I sleep with a panty-ho on my head.
:''[Jimmy flips over his card: &quot;Sits backwards on the toilet when she poops&quot;]''
:'''Sabrina''': I enjoy reading, and sometimes it's easy to put the book on the the back of the toil--Okay, you know what, great. Now both these things are out there and we haven't even got one question right.

===''What Up, Bro?'' [3.06]===

:'''Waiter''': Excuse me, sir? I cannot let you eat Mr. Jenkins' pasta in special Alfredo sauce.
:'''Burt''': Why not?
:'''Waiter''': Because ''I'' am Alfredo.

===''The Walk for the Runs'' [3.08]===
:'''Jimmy''': I'll walk the 1k. And you guys should be ashamed of yourselves. Barney's up here courageously admitting that he has a serious condition, and you guys are acting like children.
:'''Barney''': Thank you, James. At least there's someone here that knows that ABS is nothing to joke about. We need to voice our support because silence can be deadly. The fight against ABS will get the push it deserves to finally make a big splash. Sufferers of this condition are tired of hiding like turtles in their shells. It's time for this turtle's head to poke out!
:'''Jimmy''': Barney, you're not doing yourself any favors.
:'''Barney''': Uh, Ricardo. Could you please stop pinching that loaf? 
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, come on. Seriously?
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Burt has dyed his hair and eyebrows shoe-polish black]''
:'''Burt''': Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! 
:'''Virginia''': What the hell is up with your hair? 
:'''Burt''': Nothing. Just decided to touch it up a little, that's all.
:'''Virginia''': Well, you look like one of those birds from that [[w:Exxon_Valdez_oil_spill|Juan Valdez oil spill]].
:'''Burt''': Oh, please. It's such a double-standard. How come you get to cheat to look younger? I've seen your drawer in the bathroom. It's one set of vampire fangs away from being a special effects studio.

===''Squeak Means Squeak'' [3.09]===
:'''Jimmy''': I think it's time we had an honest, heart-to-heart talk about something that we all feel is becoming a problem.
:'''Sabrina''': Okay yes, sometimes I eat dirt! So what, Einstein ate dirt. Einstein!
:''[Awkward silence]''
:'''Sabrina''': This... wasn't about the dirt, was it.
:''[Awkward silence]''
:'''Sabrina''': Is this about how I count the number of words in every sentence; 13.
:''[Awkward silence]''
:'''Sabrina''': You know what, Burt was right. I'll just listen.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Sabrina''': What if it's hereditary? What if I just don't have the parenting gene? 
:''[Burt pushes a potted plant towards Sabrina with his foot]''
:'''Sabrina''': Okay, it's called [[w:Geophagia|geophagy]]. I sense you have questions, go ahead.
:'''Burt''': Do you have to wash your hands before you eat dirt? If it falls on the ground, is there a five-second rule? Have you ever tried sand? Is Mexican dirt spicy? If you swallow an apple seed, will you poop a tree?

===''The Last Christmas'' [3.10]===
:'''Mike''': That's my worst fear; to [[w:Pilot_(Raising_Hope)|be here one day]] and [[w:Dead_Tooth|gone the next]]. Like I never even existed. 
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Maw Maw''': I've only got three things left on my bucket list, and I need to get into a fistfight.
:'''Jimmy''': Maw Maw, I'm not gonna fight you. You're a million years old and you broke your pelvis falling off the roof of that car.
:'''Maw Maw''': I'm sorry, what did you just say? I'm not fluent in wussy.
:'''Sabrina''': I'll fight you.
:'''Maw Maw''': You will? 
:'''Sabrina''': Oh, yeah. I've been wanting to punch you in the face ever since you told me I looked like [[w:Ralph_Macchio|Ralph Macchio]] in drag.
:'''Maw Maw''': Let's do this.

===''Lord of the Ring'' [3.12]===
:'''Sabrina''': If you must know, my family has a little bit of a body hair issue. And believe me, this is nothing. I've got an aunt that looks like Borat.
:'''Virginia''': You get weirder and weirder every week.
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Sabrina''': All I want is a marriage like yours. One of the reasons I fell in love with Jimmy is the possibility of getting that.
:'''Virginia''': That's why you fell in love with him? Because Burt and I have never been able to figure that one out.

===''What Happens at Howdy's Doesn't Stay at Howdy's'' [3.13]===
:''[Virginia tries to secretly remove a bag from the refrigerator]''
:'''Burt''': What's that?
:'''Virginia''': Uh, nothing. Just some boring girl stuff I bought for the bachelorette party.
:'''Burt''': So boring you had to hide it in the vegetable crisper?
:'''Virginia''': Okay, fine. It's a bag of penises.
:'''Burt''': ''[Apprehensively]'' Whose are they, and why do they have to be kept crisp?
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[Finishing a Mad Lib during his bachelor party]'' Okay, that's the last word. So the story is: &quot;I was 'bored' in my 'bored' hat and went to my 'boring' room, where I saw a 'bored' that was eating my giant 'this sucks'.&quot; I don't think that even makes sense.

===''Modern Wedding'' [3.14]===
:'''Burt''': Just keep her away from us from now on, okay? I mean, no offense, but we're kind of done with the whole &quot;Lucy coming back from the dead&quot; thing. It's like, every year we think she's gone, and then [[w:Raising_Hope_(season_2)|she comes back in some crazy way, messes up our lives again]]. It's getting old.
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Sabrina''': All right, Mom. That's it. Thank you so much for this incredible gift. We're gonna cherish it forever. I'm sure we're gonna watch it a million times. And, um, when we do, I want Jimmy to hear this last part. Jimmy, you always make it seem like you're lucky to have me as your wife, but I'm the lucky one. I'm lucky to have you and Hope and your entire family in my life, and sometimes I feel like I don't say that to you enough, but it's true. And when we watch this with our grandkids one day, I want them to know how much you mean to me. I love you.
:''[Blows kiss to camera and walks away; Burt jumps out from behind couch and attacks cameraman]''

===''Yo Zappa Do (Part 1)'' [3.15]===
:''[Jimmy and Sabrina have dressed up in goth outfits to have sex just as the rest of the family walks back into the hotel room]''
:'''Virginia''': Dress-up sex on your honeymoon? You're leaving yourself nowhere to go on a rainy Thursday in year four.
:'''Burt''': Jimmy, my instructions were &quot;kiss, get undressed, then do it&quot;. Not &quot;do it dressed like KISS&quot;!
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Sabrina''': Hey, guys, they just started serving breakfast downstairs. You might want to get down there quick before they run out of Danish. Jimmy and I will meet you down there in 15 or 20 minutes after we get ready. ...Alone. On our honeymoon.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, I don't know. Don't want to miss the Danish...
:'''Sabrina''': ''[puts up a hand to stop him]'' You're gonna want to stick around.

===''Yo Zappa Do (Part 2)'' [3.16]===
:'''Virginia''': Child stars go downhill no matter how good they act. They could star in a [[w:The_Goonies|Spielberg movie]] and still end up [[w:Martha_Plimpton|playing the nutty mom]] on [[w:Raising_Hope|some sitcom]].
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Burt''': Which one of you is from NBC?
:''[Executive raises hand; Burt kicks him in the groin]''
:'''Burt''': That's for canceling [[w:My_Name_Is_Earl|My Name is Earl]]!!

===''Mother's Day'' [3.22]===
:'''Sabrina''': Over the last few years, you have been more of a mother to me than my mother ever was. I want you to have this.
:''[Hands Virginia macaroni necklace]''
:'''Virginia''': I see what you're doing, and it's very sweet, but--
:'''Sabrina''': What's my favorite color? What is it? 
:'''Virginia''': Orange.
:'''Sabrina''': And you know that because? 
:'''Virginia''': Because, for your wedding, you and I spent two days driving to every supermarket in town buying all the orange flowers.
:'''Sabrina''': And how did I chip my tooth? 
:'''Virginia''': You thought you could skateboard drunk on Cinco de Mayo. And you not only chipped your tooth, you sprained your ankle.
:'''Sabrina''': And when did I start walking again? 
:'''Virginia''': Three days later on Ocho de Mayo.
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Shelly''': So, your mother never called, huh? 
:'''Sabrina''': No.
:'''Shelly''': I'm sorry.
:'''Sabrina''': That's okay. I'm with my family.

==Season 4==

===''Deja Vu Man'' [4.01]===
:'''Sabrina''': Jimmy, do you remember how we talked about not letting your parents drag us into something crazy every week?
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Arnold''': I'm not one for melodrama, so goodbye forever. 

===''Burt Bucks'' [4.02]===
:'''Barney''': Unfortunately, I took six brutal beatings before I learned there was no merit badge for cruelty, and I'd been letting the scouts pummel me for no real reason.
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Sabrina''': It's more of those postcards from my mom. What are they doing out here? 
:'''Jimmy''': I always, um, hide them in here before you see them, because I know how much they upset you. I'm sorry.
:''[Sabrina kisses Jimmy]''
:'''Jimmy''': What was that for? 
:'''Sabrina''': Because you committed a federal crime to protect my feelings. Oh, Jimmy, don't you see? I may have saved you a couple times, but you save me every day.
:'''Josh''': I miss my prison husband.
:'''Sabrina''': What?
:'''Josh''': Nothin'.

===''Ship Happens'' [4.03]===
:'''Sabrina''': There's a rip in the side of this mountain.
:'''Burt''': Of course there is. That's... &quot;Rip Mountain&quot;.
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Marina Employee''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no. No one is allowed in the boat. Didn't you read the contract?
:'''Sabrina''': Oh, yeah, I read every word. That's why my daughter's wearing a snorkel on a road trip.

===''Hi-Def'' [4.04]===
:'''Virginia''': The only doctor I go to is Dr. Vajajay. ...He's Indian. That's his name. He looks after my hoo-hah.
:'''Jimmy''': Gross.
:'''Burt''': I assure you, it is not.
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Burt is panicking about his colonoscopy]''
:'''Burt''': Get me the hell out of here. I don't want to die with a camera up my poop chute!
:'''Jimmy''': Dad, it says &quot;unlikely.&quot; 
:'''Burt''': &quot;Unlikely&quot;? Unlikely things happen all the time. Michael Jordan grew a Hitler mustache. That came out of nowhere. Nowhere! 

===''Extreme Howdy's Makeover'' [4.05]===
:'''Sabrina''': You can't live your life without taking risks. Sometimes you've just got to jump in and marry the grocery bagger with the serial killer's baby. ...That happened to somebody I know.
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Sabrina''': Hey! How's it going? 
:'''Jimmy''': It's tough. I haven't found that thing. You know, that muse thing.
:'''Sabrina''': ''[Grins, points to herself]'' Ooh! What about me? I can be your muse.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, cards on the table: I'm not entirely clear on what a muse is or does.

===''Adoption'' [4.06]===
:'''Jimmy''': How am I supposed to do a rebirthing? I've never even seen an actual birth. Hope was born in a jail.
:'''Barney''': Frank and I could help you.
:'''Frank''': Oh, yeah, totally. Rebirthing ceremonies are simple.
:''[Jimmy and Barney give Frank a look]''
:'''Frank''': Sometimes insomnia can drive a man to the deep dark corners of the Internet.
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Burt and Virginia are pretending to be lawyers]''
:'''Burt''': Mr. Lennox, is it true that you decapitate puppies as a hobby? ...Withdrawn. Weren't you a member of the Taliban? ...Withdrawn. A pedophile? ..Withdrawn. A thief? ..Withdrawn. Defecated in an avocado field? ...Withdrawn!
:'''Judge''': Mr. Chance, enough of this. Damn Law and Order ruined an entire generation of lawyers.

===''Murder, She Hoped'' [4.07]===
:'''Virginia''': Bet those snobs in the hoity-toity neighborhood don't have to deal with their power going out.
:'''Sabrina''': Jimmy, speaking of which, that's us. Let's go home.
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Virginia''': You were right, Burt. I'm sorry I didn't believe you.
:'''Burt''': That's okay. I'm almost never right. You were just playing the odds.

===''Dysfunction Function'' [4.08]===
:'''Burt''': So did you and Sabrina enjoy your night alone last night? 
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, it was great. I think I tweaked my neck. Sabrina had me doing all sorts of crazy stuff.
:'''Burt''': Really? 
:'''Jimmy''': Well, with Hope out of the house, we could get down to all the dirty stuff on our list.
:'''Burt''': You have a list??
:'''Jimmy''': It was exhausting. We did it all. You know, I shampooed the carpet for, like, an hour. She cleaned the chimney. It was filthy. We were both pretty sore this morning, but, uh, she still had me mulch her flower box.
:'''Burt''': Wow.
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, well, next time you guys take Hope, I'm gonna oil up her chest in our bedroom.
:'''Burt''': Now you're talking.
:'''Jimmy''': It takes a while. She hasn't really taken care of it in years. It's kind of gross underneath.
:'''Burt''': ''[Grimaces]'' Well, still, a chest is a chest.
:'''Jimmy''': It is a nice chest. It's not as old or as beautiful as Maw Maw's.
:'''Burt''': ''[Gags]'' I'm sorry, when you say &quot;oil up her chest,&quot; what exactly do you mean? 
:'''Jimmy''': I mean just get some linseed oil and polish up the antique chest that Sabrina's uncle left us.
:'''Burt''': Oh.
:'''Jimmy''': What did you think? 
:'''Burt''': I thought you were talking about you and Sabrina having weird sex, and then, briefly, you wanting to feel up your great-grandmother.
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Virginia''': Obama made a law where everybody has to have affordable car insurance. It's called Obama-Car.

===''Bee Story'' [4.10]===
:'''Jimmy''': You should definitely do a protest. Paint signs, chain yourself to each other. Even if it takes all day marching around in the hot, blazing sun.
:'''Sabrina''': God, I'm so glad you're into this. We should get started.
:'''Jimmy''': Wait, I have to go with you?
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Sabrina''': You did it! You guys did what my environmental group could never do: Something.

===''Hey There, Delilah'' [4.11]===
:'''Burt''': You know, this wouldn't be our house if we just stayed with Jimmy and Sabrina.
:'''Virginia''': No way. It's one thing to mooch off my grandmother, I'm not about to mooch off my own son. I have pride, Burt. Okay, the car wash is open. Let's go sneak a shower.

===''Hot Dish'' [4.12]===
:'''Burt''': ''[Blindfolded]'' Okay, that was interesting. Moist, chewy... I don't want to say &quot;soapy&quot; but it had a quality to it...
:'''Virginia''': Burt, you just took a bite out of a sponge I left on the table!
:'''Burt''': Hmm... better than I would have thought.
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Jimmy is about to pour radish juice into Virginia's casserole]''
:'''Jimmy''': I know what you did to Sabrina's casserole, and now I'm just giving you a taste of your own medicine.
:'''Virginia''': Before you do that, why don't you taste the medicine? 
:''[Jimmy drinks some radish juice, gags]''
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, it's horrible.
:'''Virginia''': Not the juice. My casserole.
:''[Jimmy tries Virginia's casserole, spits out in disgust, drinks some radish juice, gags]''
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, it's horrible! Why can't anyone cook anymore? Is it me? Maybe I went mouth-blind. Can people go mouth-blind? 

===''Thrilla In Natesvilla'' [4.13]===
:''[After being warned by Frank that Barney is looking for a couple to double date with him and Maxine]''
:'''Jimmy''': Well, I think we should support Barney.
:'''Sabrina''': Oh, I'm not going. It's not because of Barney, it's because of my aunt Maxine. She's always criticizing everything I eat, and what I wear, and how I married a guy who's just completely beneath... ''[stutters and averts eyes]'' my... wings. Like the wind!
:'''Jimmy''': You can stop.

===''Road to Natesville'' [4.14]===
:'''Sabrina''': Well, after Frank volunteered, we kind of had to. I mean, he is officially the laziest guy in the store.
:''[Holds up yearbook with photo of Frank sleeping on the job, captioned &quot;Laziest Guy in the Store&quot;]''
:'''Sabrina''': Barney does superlatives in the annual Howdy's yearbook.
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Frank''': It's the age-old romantic story. Boy wearing baby mask meets girl wearing horse-head mask. And then girl's mask comes off, and boy doesn't have the guts to tell her how he really feels about her. We've all seen it a million times.

===''Anniversary Ball'' [4.15]===
:'''Virginia''': You two are married now. Lying and being deceitful to get information out of him is your job, not mine.
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Burt''': A cowhand told me you wanted this.
:'''Jimmy''': I thought Sabrina told you.
:'''Sabrina''': It's cowboy-speak.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, right. ''[to Colt Palamino, awkwardly]'' Howdy, pilgrim. I like beans.

===''The One Where They Get High'' [4.16]===
:'''Sabrina''': Why don't you guys just dare him to stop?
:'''Jimmy''': Apparently it's against the rules.
:'''Burt''': It's like wishing for more wishes.
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, my God! She let a mummy into our house. 
:'''Sabrina''': What?
:'''Jimmy''': Wait. Hang on. I think that might be Ashley.
:'''Sabrina''': Good catch.

===''Baby Phat'' [4.17]===
:'''Sabrina''': There have been countless studies that show that all of the most successful babies have been born in November. Because they're the oldest in their class.
:'''Jimmy''': One reason I support your theory is that it means we can have sex right now.
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Cop''': Turns out, all that stuff was real candy, which you were eating in a Dumpster. So the only thing you're guilty of is being gross, disgusting people who probably have hepatitis C. Please leave this police station and try not to touch anything on your way out.

===''Dinner with Tropes'' [4.18]===
:'''Sabrina''': I think you guys might be putting too much weight on TV. It's just a bunch of people saying clever quips followed by a catchy theme song.
:''[Raising Hope theme song plays]''
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Virginia''': So, what's everybody up to next week? 
:'''Jimmy''': Not much. I'm gonna pretend to be Barney's girlfriend while his moms come to visit town.
:'''Virginia''': Hmm.
:'''Sabrina''': I've got to go meet my pregnant friend in an elevator.
:'''Burt''': We couldn't think of anything new to do, so we're just gonna make a family video. You know, clip together some of our favorite moments from over the years.
:'''Sabrina''': That sounds boring.
:'''Virginia''': Oh, no. We're gonna talk in between the clips to spice it up a little.
:'''Sabrina''': Oh.
:''[Awkward silence, everyone walks away]''
:'''Virginia''': ''[Voiceover]'' ''Raising Hope'' was not filmed before a live studio audience.

===''Para-natesville Activity'' [4.19]===
:'''Tyler''': ''[regarding his grandmother's ghost]'' Did she say anything bad? She's a bit of a racist.
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Maw Maw''': So, you're just a strange man sneaking around my bedroom at night? Well, I guess I'm going to bed. By myself. No risk of pregnancy. I'll never remember. You'll never forget.

===''Man's Best Friend'' [4.20]===
:'''Sabrina''': I can't believe you used to use stray dogs to hook up with girls.
:'''Jimmy''': Uh, excuse me. High school dropout working with his dad, living with his parents? My toolbox wasn't exactly overflowing.
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Michael has a spray bottle filled with &quot;pee&quot;]''
:'''Burt''': Is that real pee? 
:'''Michael''': If it was, would I do this? ''[squirts spray bottle into his mouth]''
:'''Burt''': Maybe...

===''How I Met Your Mullet'' [4.21]===
:'''Eleanor''': Here's chamomile with one sugar for you, and for the master of the house, chilled grape soda.
:'''Jimmy''': Listen, Eleanor--My God, this grape soda is good.
:'''Eleanor''': Oh, thank you. I went all the way to the bad part of town for it.
:'''Jimmy''': That's nice. And also, Nana's dead.
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Virginia''': As a member of the domestic service community, normally right now I'd be giving you a long talking-to about abusing your maid, but your father might be dead.
:'''Jimmy''': Eleanor, adjust my face to express shock.
:'''Eleanor''': Very good, sir.
:'''Virginia''': Allow me. ''[slaps Jimmy across the face]''

===''The Father Daughter Dance'' [4.22]===
:'''Virginia''': We know what it's like to have an ungrateful child. And an uncoordinated child. And an underachieving child. But we stuck around.
:'''Jimmy''': Hey, Mom. I'm right here.
:'''Virginia''': And a child with an annoying voice.
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': You guys said, just last week, that room was still mine if if things didn't work out with Sabrina.
:'''Sabrina''': ''[looks at Virginia, annoyed]'' Really. Just last week. 
:'''Virginia''': It was your anniversary, the subject came up. And to be clear, he had just told us he was getting you a box of envelopes.
:'''Jimmy''': The first anniversary ''is'' paper.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Lucas Neff|Lucas Neff]] - Jimmy Chance
* [[Martha Plimpton]] - Virginia Chance
* [[w:Garret Dillahunt|Garret Dillahunt]] - Burt Chance
* [[Cloris Leachman]] - Maw Maw
* [[w:Shannon Woodward|Shannon Woodward]] - Sabrina

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|1615919|Raising Hope}}

[[Category:2010s American sitcoms]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:FOX shows]]
[[Category:Single-camera sitcoms]]
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    <title>The Virginian</title>
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'''''[[w:The Virginian (TV series)|The Virginian]]''''' (1962–1971) was an NBC western television series starring [[w:James Drury|James Drury]] and [[w:Doug McClure|Doug McClure]]. With 249 episodes, it ran for a total of 9 seasons from 1962 to 1971. Each episode was a total of 75 minutes long (without commercials). The show was well known for its excellent quality and story line. All nine seasons were filmed in color, which was unusual for most western series at the time. In the last season, the look of the series was redesigned and the series was re-titled, ''The Men From Shiloh.'' The Virginian remains a popular series to this day, with an large fan base around the world.

==The Virginian==
* &quot;This is [[Wyoming]] in 1897. It's a land of great, open spaces. A land that gives a man plenty of elbow room. Somebody once said that in Wyoming, you could look farther, and see less than any place in the world. Whoever said that couldn't have seen Wyoming as I have. To look at the mountains, and the valleys and the plains, you'd think nothing ever changes out here. Maybe that's true about the land. But it's not true about the people. They change. At least most of them. They've settled down. Twenty years ago, it was a different breed of men that came west. They were looking for adventure and excitement. There was plenty of adventure to go around, and lots of excitement! At first it was the Indians who provided the adventure. And for those who lived to tell about it, there was no question about it's being exciting. It was a time when life was cheap, and man lived for today. The odds were against his being around tomorrow, and he knew it. What's more, he liked it that way. This breed of man loved his life. It was everything he wanted. It was adventure, and excitement, and fun. When he worked hard, he fought hard, and he sure played hard. Then suddenly, one day his world was gone. The prairies and the mountains were the same. The cattle and the horses were the same. The west had grown up. It had changed. But this breed of man was still there. Still looking for the fun and headlong adventure.
** ''Introduction to the episode &quot;West&quot; [1.10]''


* &quot;Before she testifies there's something I'd like to say. I don't know what you may have heard here today, what you have already in your minds, but I can tell you this. I was there when Dr. O'Neill made the decision to operate on Mrs. Anderson. She knew the risk she was taking, and she took it. The easy way would have been to let her patient die in agony. And now I want to ask you a question. Would this hearing ever had been held if Pat O'Neill weren't a woman? Doc Spalding has lost patients, every doctor has. So, just lets all of us be sure exactly what it is that's on trial here today. Is it the facts, or our prejudices?&quot;


* &quot;He wants to be a hero in a uniform, so he had to go join up!  He's a fool!   He's about as much cut out to be a soldier as -- If you want to be a soldier you have to learn to take orders.  Can you imagine Trampas taking orders from anybody?  I mean ''anybody''!&quot;


* &quot;I didn't need Trampas to point out the sorry shape we were in, but being Trampas he pointed it out anyhow...&quot;
** Narration from the episode &quot;A Small Taste of Justice&quot; [6.14]


* &quot;Anyone will tell you Trampas is as trustworthy as they come. Take my word for it.


* &quot;And Trampas, this ''is'' a ''business'' trip.&quot;


* &quot;She’s just like any other woman - she thinks with her heart instead of her head.&quot;


* &quot;The dead have to be buried...There’s some things you make time for...&quot;

==Trampas==

* &quot;Yo.&quot;


* &quot;She's saving herself for some tall, good looking cowboy with hair the color of autumn wheat.&quot;


* &quot;My Pa always said, 'Live fast, die laughing,' that's the way to do it.&quot;


* &quot;Suckers and mules, thats what work's for, and mule's got enough sense to turn his tail on it.&quot;


*''[To the Virginian]'' I have never heard such hollerin' and shoutin' since the last time I asked you for a day off.


* &quot;The thing is, if a woman can't win an argument any other way she can always cry. Then she can't lose.&quot;


* &quot;Oh, I'm human, all right.&quot;


* Now wait a minute. What did you expect me to do, tie him to the horse? Well, you can be sure of one thing. Whatever happens, I'll be blamed for it. I tried. I tried!


* &quot;I guess you said it yourself. I'm just a dumb cowboy. Well, maybe I'm dumb enough to believe that people should be honest and dumb enough to try to stop them when they're not.&quot;


* &quot;No need to push ''me'', Mister.  If you're planning on making a move, make it.&quot;


* &quot;The Virginian can track a rabbit all the way to St. Louis.&quot; 


==Other Cast Members==
:'''Emmett Ryker''': Because I've decided what's the difference... if you let a bad man push you into doing wrong, or if you let your best friend push you... you're still wrong.

== Season 1 ==
=== ''The Executioners'' [1.1] ===
:''[The Virginian, Steve and Trampas meet Betsy out riding.]''
:'''Betsy''': Yes you are.
:'''Steve''': I'm what?.
:'''Betsy''': Well I've been thinking about this all day, and trying to make up my mind. Yep, you're pretty!
:'''Steve''': Um... Thank you, Betsy.
:'''Trampas''': Well what about me?
:'''Betsy''': Uh... Funny.
:'''Virginian''': What about me, Betsy?
:'''Betsy''': I'm going to marry you.
:'''Virginian''': Yes ma'am.

=== ''The Big Deal''  [1.4] === 
:''[Trampas and The Virginian are discussing Judge Garth's new four sided clock for the town square.]''
:'''Trampas''': I wonder what that cost?
:'''Virginian''': The Judge didn't say.
:'''Trampas''': Well if he's going to throw his money around, he could start by raising my wages.
:'''Virginian''': Well at least this way he can see what he's getting for his money!
:'''Trampas''': Aw, Saturday's a bad day to put a thing like that up.
:'''Virginian''': How come?
:'''Trampas''': Well, I was just thinking, it's goin' to make a mighty fine target to some cowhand with a bellyful of whiskey.
:'''Virginian''': I wouldn't do it, Trampas. 
:'''Trampas''': Well, I wasn't thinking of ''me.''
:'''Virginian''': I was.

=== ''The Brazen Bell''  [1.5] ===
:''[A man and his wife enter the Judge's house  without knocking, and the Judge becomes upset.]''
:'''Arthur  Lilley''': This is not a public house?
:'''Judge Garth''': This is not.  It is, or was until you came in, a very private one.
:'''Arthur Lilley''': Sarah, I feel we are the victims of a practical joke.
:'''Judge Garth''': Just, just a minute.  Who sent you?
:'''Sarah Lilley''': One of the hooligans in town.
:'''Arthur Lilley''': A deputy sheriff, judging from his badge.  I believe he was called Trampas?
:'''Judge Garth''': Oh.

=== ''Riff-Raff''  [1.7] ===
:''[The Virginian is telling Molly Wood to leave Trampas and Steve alone about joining the rough riders.]''
:'''Virginian''': Molly, don't try it with me!
:'''Molly''': But you'd look awful handsome in uniform!
:'''Virginian''': I'll bet. And don't put any more wild ideas in their heads.
:'''Molly''': Is it such a wild idea?
:'''Virginian''': It is. As a matter of fact, in those heads, any idea at all is a complete disaster.

=== ''If You Have Tears'' [1.20] ===
:'''Kyle Lawson''': ''[To Trampas about the Virginian]'' He still workin' you to death?
:'''Trampas''': Tell him about it.
:'''Virginian''': The only way he'll ever die from overwork is running away from it.
:'''Trampas''': That an absolute true statement.


:'''The Virginian''': I once knew a man who could barely write his own name, but he could talk to the birds, he could tell where a mountain cat walked across a bed of pine needles, he could tell his age by the trees, the weather by his bones...after he got old that is. I always considered him to be a poet.''
:'''Leona''': Who was he?&quot; 
:'''The Virginian''': My father.

=== ''The Small Parade'' [1.21] ===
:''[Trampas tries to find homes for a group of orphans.]
:'''Trampas''': I brought 'em back.
:'''Steve''': Shultz wouldn't take 'em?
:'''Trampas''': He'd take 'em but I wouldn't leave 'em. He went over them like he was buying horses. He even looked at their teeth. All he asked was how much work they could do.
:'''Steve''': All kids got chores, you know.
:'''Trampas''': Well, he had more than chores in mind. All he wanted was a lot of hard labor for no pay. It made me feel like that fella in Oliver Twist, that Fagin.
:'''Steve''': You know what I think? I think you got soft headed. Couldn't let 'em go. That's what I think.

=== ''Run Away Home''  [1.29] ===
:''[Steve meets a man on the road while he is looking for the Virginian, after they are separated.]''
:'''Steve''': Hey mister, I could use some help.
:'''Man''': Whoa. Now how did a young fellow like you get lost? Well, the nearest town is only about --
:'''Steve''': No, I'm not looking for a town. What I wanted to ask - 
:'''Man''': Don't tell me you're looking for work! Ah, you shouldn't have any trouble finding a job this time of year!
:'''Steve''': No I'm not looking for work, I'm trying to track down a man.
:'''Man''': Somebody robbed you, huh? Probably a railroad tramp. It happens all the time around here.
:'''Steve''': It's a friend of mine!
:'''Man''': A friend robbed you? Well no wonder you're looking for him! I'll tell you - any man that takes advantage of a friend --
:'''Steve''': He didn't rob me. We got separated. Now a farmer sold him a horse a few miles back with out a saddle, and I'm trying to find him.
:'''Man''': Who, the farmer?
:'''Steve''': My friend. You didn't happen to see him, did you?
:'''Man''': How do you expect me to know who your friends are?
:'''Steve''': He was riding a horse without a saddle on it. Now, did you happen to see anybody riding a horse without a saddle?
:'''Man''': Oh. Haha! No, I haven't seen anybody like that, boy. Well, good luck!! 
:'''Steve''': I'll need it.

:''[The Virginian is buying a horse from a man.]''
:'''Man''': In case you want to know, I call him Lightning.
:'''Virginian''': Mister, the first time I laid my eyes on you, I knew you had a sense of humor.
:'''Man''': For another 20 bucks I'll throw in this fine saddle!
:'''Virginian''': No, thanks! I wouldn't want to rob you.


==Season 2 ==
=== ''Stopover in a Western Town'' [2.10] ===
:''[A girl makes her horse rear in an unsuccessful attempt to appear helpless to the Virginian. While she rides the horse, he calmly re-ties his rope, and waits for her to come back.]
:'''Virginian''': Good runner, isn't he?
:'''Carolyn Witman''': Do you realize I could've been killed?
:'''Virginian''': Do you realize I'm not quite as big a greenhorn as you thought I was?
:'''Carolyn Witman''': I'll try to keep it in mind.
:'''Virginian''': Good.

=== ''Seige'' [2.13] ===
:'''Duke Logan''': I don't know what you're up to, but we don't want your kind in our town.
:'''Trampas''': My kind? What's that?
:'''Duke Logan''': What you were when you left here. A card cheat, a shiftless, no good to anybody. You and your pa.
:'''Trampas''': If my pa and me wanted to cheat, you would have never known about it.

=== ''A Bride For Lars'' [2.28] ===
:'''Trampas''': High man?
:'''Steve''': High man. Not your deck.
:'''Trampas''': Steve, you act as if you can't trust me.
:'''Steve''': I don't know where you ever got that idea, Trampas.

== Season 3 ==
=== ''All Nice and Legal'' [3.11] ===
:'''Betsy Garth''': Trampas, if you were in trouble with the law would you go to a woman lawyer?
:'''Trampas''': Why not, if she were pretty.
:'''Betsy''': No, I'm serious.
:'''Trampas''': I think women would make good lawyers. They're born devious.
:'''Betsy''': Women are devious? Who was it that made a date with two girls for the same dance and then told them he was sick with quinsy and couldn't go?
:'''Trampas''': That wasn't being devious. That's what you call self preservation.

== Season 4 ==

=== ''Ride a Cock-Horse to Laramie Cross'' [4.23] ===
:''[Trampas is on his way to Laramie with a woman faro dealer, a boy, and a baby. After making a messy diaper change, he lets the woman take over.]''
:'''Trampas''': I'll admit your diaper looks better than mine. Thought you said you didn't know anything about babies.
:'''Melinda''': Oh, there's just some things that anybody knows, except those that are just plain ''stupid''.
:'''Trampas''': I'm not stupid. I'm ignorant. There's a difference.

===''A Bald-Faced Boy'' [4.29] ===
:''[Ryker, Trampas and Randy are telling tall tales in the hotel's saloon.]''
:'''Trampas''': That ain't nothing. Why I had a rifle one time that could knock down a prarie dog two miles away.
:'''Ryker''': That so?
:'''Trampas''': Why I had the range measured by a licensed surveyor. Two miles even. That was his sworn testimony.
:'''Randy''': I had a long rifle like that one time. Carried quite a bit further though.
:'''Trampas''': Furthur?
:'''Ryker''': Three miles.
:'''Randy''': Carried so far I had to use smoked and salted bullets.
:'''Trampas''': Smoked and salted bullets?
:'''Randy''': Well like I said, it killed at such a distance, if I didn't use them smoked and salted bullets, the game would spoil before I could get to it.

==Season 5==
===''The Captive'' [5.3] ===
:''[Trampas has just returned from taking an girl to town, and he meets the Virginian and Stacey in the corral.]''
:'''Stacey''': What happened in town?
:'''Trampas''': Plenty. She's staying here while they try and locate her real parents.
:'''Virginian''': Stace told me what happened.
:'''Stacey''': Is she still claiming to be an Indian?
:'''Trampas''': It doesn't much matter to her what she is. She feels Indian, she thinks Indian, and that's the way she likes it.
:'''Virginian''': What happened to the rustlers?
:'''Trampas''': Old Man Grainger... ''(Trampas looks at Stacey)'' Uh... Mr. Grainger told the sheriff to send them back to the reservation.
:'''Stacey''': Well that was real kind of Old Man Grainger. ''(Turns to The Virginian)'' You mind if I go up and see what's happening?
:'''Virginian''': Go ahead.
:'''Trampas''': How come Grainger sent me into town with him and sent Stace back to the range?
:'''Virginian''': I guess he's just trying not to show favoritism.
:'''Trampas''': Why he doesn't have to do that! I never think of Stace as being the boss's grandson. Until I call him Old Man Grainger.

===''Beloved Outlaw'' [5.11] ===
:''[Mr. Grainger and Trampas and discussing Liz's wanting to enter her horse in the Founder's Day Race.]''
:'''John Grainger''': Trampas, I wouldn't want her to know that we discussed this.
:'''Trampas''':  &quot;You're right.   Well, I guess I'll have to be sneaky about it.  I'm pretty good at that.&quot;

:''[Trampas sets Liz up to race with him, and she wins.]''
:'''Virginian''': Well, today's the big day.  I'll be glad when this race is over and we can get some work done around here.
:'''Trampas''': Well, all right, so I took a minute or two or three or four to--
:'''Virginian''': Any regrets? About getting her to race with you.
:'''Trampas''': Now that you bring the subject up, no.  Not after I saw the look on her face when she won.

=== ''Melanie'' [5.22] ===
:''[Trampas drives a new girl to town.]''
:'''Trampas''': There's not much to see in Medicine Bow.
:'''Melanie''': It's not Medicine Bow I'm interested in.
:'''Trampas''': What are you interested in?
:'''Melanie''': You.
:'''Trampas''': Why me?
:'''Melanie''': I don't know.
:'''Trampas''':Well, let's see if I can figure it out. Uh.. wealthy, spoiled Eastern girl comes west, finds things kind of dull, meets cowhand. Wants to stir up a little excitement, something she can tell her friends about back in Chicago. Hmm?
:'''Melanie''': Well, maybe. But, I don't think so. But what about you? Why did you kiss me? 
:'''Trampas''': I don't know.
:'''Melanie''': Well, maybe I can figure it out. Hard working, hard-headed cowhand gets a little bored with pretty little girls in calico. Meets wealthy spoiled Eastern girl, stir up a little excitement, something to tell the boys back in the bunkhouse.
:'''Trampas''': ''[Smiles]'' Well. Let's find out.

==Season 6==
===''The Deadly Past'' [6.2] ===
:'''Stacey''': Elizabeth!
:'''Elizabeth''': Stacey? Did you get it? Did it come?
:'''Stacey''': What?
:'''Elizabeth''': You know.
:'''Stacey''': Godey's Ladies' Book.
:'''Elizabeth''': Give it to me.
:'''Stacey''': On one condition. ''(opens the book)'' Do you promise you won't wear that?
:'''Elizabeth''': It's the latest thing!
:'''Stacey''': I think there's uh.. a little too much going south for ladies going north.
:'''Elizabeth''': I think a gentleman wouldn't look in a ladies magazine.


:''[Stacey delivers Trampas' perfumed mail to the bunkhouse.]''
:'''Stacey''': Here's your mail, lover.
:'''Trampas''': Thank you sir.
:'''Stacey''': You sure you're not advertising for a wife or something?
:'''Trampas''': Some people don't have to advertise.
:'''Stacey''': Apparently not.

=== ''A Bad Place To Die'' [6.9] ===
:''[Trampas is falsely accused of murder and sentenced to hang.]''
:'''Luke Nichols''': A lot can happen in six days. You got friends outside? I mean real friends, not just poker playing and howdy-do friends.
:'''Trampas''': No, They're real friends.
:'''Luke Nichols''': Then you still got something left. You know a man comes in here, they take his pride and his pocketbook and they put them in a box in the warden's office. But if you've got friends outside, you've still got something left. Maybe the most important thing, boy.

=== ''Paid in Full'' [6.10] ===
:'''The Virginian''':&quot;You're really letting him get under your skin, aren't you.&quot;
:'''Trampas''':&quot;Well, you're not making it any easier for me, making me work with him every day.&quot;
:'''The Virginian''':&quot;Because he's actin' like a kid is no reason for me to treat you like one.&quot;
:'''Trampas''':&quot;You mean to tell me with all the hired hands you've got I'm the only one that can work with Frank?&quot;
:'''The Virginian''':&quot;I figure you're the ''best'' one to work with Frank.&quot;

=== ''The Gentle Tamers'' [6.19] ===
:'''Ranch Hand''': Anybody here know how to play poker?
:'''Dick Shane''': Matter of fact, I give lessons.
:'''Trampas''': Now, that's what I like to hear. Why, I got so I know personally every dollar bill in the house. Over here, boys.

=== ''The Crooked Path'' [6.22] ===
[''Trampas is a bit unhappy about having to look after Mr. Graingers' niece while the Graingers are away'']
:'''Trampas''': So we've uh.. inherited Miss Melissa Wainwright for one week.
:'''Virginian''': Not we!
:'''Trampas''': Now wait a minute!
:'''Virginian''': Me!
:'''Trampas''': Oh.

[''Young Kiley Cheevers has the tables turned on him after he tells some tall tales.'']
:'''Kiley''': I don't know what I'd have done if I hadn't skipped out the back of that teepee.
:'''Rondell''': I do. I was captured by those same Indians.
:'''Kiley''': Yeah?
:'''Rondell''': That's right. Just like you I was surprised they didn't kill me, but stuck me instead inside a teepee. And  I want to tell you boy, if you hadn't escaped, you'd sure know what they was going to do to ya'.
:'''Kiley''': What's that?
:'''Rondell''': They were going to fatten you up, just like they did to me. Cornbread, Venison Meat, Gravy. I just couldn't figure it. Finally I saw a great big stew pot on the fire. Then I saw it. They was fattening me up to eat me.
:'''Kiley''': How'd you escape?
:'''Rondell''': Well son, I didn't. They ate me.

=== ''Stacey'' [6.23] ===
''[Stace broke his arm, and is taking a few weeks off.]''
:'''Trampas''': How about it Stace? Want to come along?
:'''Stacey''': Nah, I've got something more exciting to do.
:'''Trampas''': Yeah? Like what?
:'''Stacey''': You know that patch of grass up on the porch?
:'''Trampas''': Yeah.
:'''Stacey''': I'm going to sit in the shade and watch it grow.
:'''Trampas''': You're going to si-- Well. Alright.


== Season 7 ==

=== ''Crime Wave in Buffalo Springs'' [7.17] ===
:'''Trampas''': Oh, Ohhh.  Well, looks like the party's over. And you did a pretty good job of keeping me here while your sister and her boyfriend pulled off another robbery.
:'''Geraldine''': Where are you going?
:'''Trampas''': To complain about the champagne. It was flat.

=== ''The Price of Love'' [7.18] ===
:''The Virginian yells at Trampas for getting in a fight against orders, and Trampas' new friend, Denny (the instigator of the fight) enters the bunkhouse.''
:'''Trampas:''' I... it... well, it just couldn't be helped, that's all.
:'''Virginian''': Just couldn't be helped. You had to step in there and start swinging at Kimbro's man.
:'''Trampas''': Well they... I couldn't let them beat up on a man like that.
:'''Virginian''': Well why'd he start the fight in the first place? He got a hot temper or something?
:'''Trampas''': Well no, not exactly... Oh you'll like him. Wait till you meet him.
:'''Virginian''': I'm going to meet him right now. Grainger's invited me to supper.
:'''Trampas''': Good, good.
:'''Virginian''': Now look Trampas, I hope your new friend hasn't said anything to Mr. Grainger about this fight in town.
:'''Trampas''': Yeah.
:'''Virginian''': He'd be pretty unhappy to hear about it.
:'''Trampas''': Ummhum.... Yeah, he would.
:'''Virginian''': He wants those water rights settled in court, not in a bar room rout on the range.
:'''Trampas''': Uh huh..
:'''Virginian''': Yeah, you say &quot;Uh huh&quot; and you nod, but this isn't anything I want you to shrug off. Now I mean it Trampas! You better learn to control yourself when you get in a situation-
:'''Denny''': ''(enters)'' Hey, hey, hey, what's all the yelling about, huh?
:'''Trampas''': Oh we're not yelling. Uh, this here's the foreman - this here's Danny.
:'''Denny''': Oh well, you're the one Mr. Grainger sent me down to fetch. Supper's almost ready.
:'''Virginian''': I'll get my hat.
:'''Denny''': You know from the way Trampas described you, I'd expected somebody different.
:'''Trampas''': Uh Danny...
:'''The Virginian''': You saying something to me?
:'''Denny''': I just don't like being yelled at, or seeing my friends yelled at.
:'''Trampas''': Denny. (in a nervous voice) Denny... uh..he's the foreman.
:'''The Virginian''': You keep in mind what I said.
:'''Trampas''': Oh, you bet. (The Virginian walks out) Uh, Denny look, uh, thanks for trying to help but uh... Denny? No, not with him... See, he'd my best friend! Best friend I got. And, uh, sometimes we just yell at each other...you know, doesn't mean anything... I yell at him...he yells at me.

==Season 8==
===''The Long Ride Home'' [8.1] ===
:'''Jim Horn''': Trampas?  The other night when I tried to pick that fight with you, I know what you done for me, and well, anyway, I appreciate it.
:'''Trampas''':  &quot;Well, I used to be a pretty feisty yahoo myself.  So I know how it feels to be so hopping mad inside you want to take a swing at the whole cock-eyed world.  The last time I tried was about eight years ago in a saloon full of cavalry troopers.  It took about two black eyes and a mouthfull of knuckles to decide it wasn't too much fun when the world swung back.&quot;

=== ''The Girl in the Shadows'' [8.03] ===
:'''Trampas''': Howdy. Uh, what shall I do with these?
:'''Liz''': Hmm.. Well, why don't you bring them in.
:'''Trampas''': Hey! That's a good idea! ''(comes in and stops across the room)'' Uh, where shall I put 'em?
:'''Liz''': What do you think about the floor?
:'''Trampas''': ''(looks down)'' It's nice. ''(stops)'' Oh. ''(Sets boxes down.)''

=== ''You Can Lead a Horse to Water'' [8.17] ===
:''[After going to the water to soak her swollen ankle, a woman falls in. Trampas comes to her rescue, but thinks at first she is just having fun.]
:'''Trampas''': She's done it again. ''[Walks over to the water hole]'' I thought you were just going to soak your ankle.
:'''Mary''': I...can't...SWIM! ''[goes under]''
:'''Trampas''': ''[chuckles at first, then grows quiet]'' Oh. ''[jumps in]''

=== ''The Gift'' [8.24] ===
:'''Trampas''': Harp? Whew!!!
:'''Harper''': What's the matter with you?
:'''Trampas''': Boy, it makes my eyes water! I don't know what you're boiling in that pot, but don't expect me to eat any of it!
:'''Harper''': I don't. This is my laundry.


== Cast ==

* [[w:James Drury|James Drury]] - The Virginian (Season 1-9)
* [[w:Doug McClure|Doug McClure]] - Trampas (Season 1-9)
* [[w:Clu Gulager|Clu Gulager]] - Sheriff Emmett Ryker (Season 3-6)
* [[w:Gary Clarke|Gary Clarke]] - Steve Hill (Season 1-4)
* [[w:Lee J. Cobb|Lee J. Cobb]] - Judge Henry Garth (Season 1-4)
* [[w:Roberta Shore|Roberta Shore]] - Betsy Garth (Season 1-4)
* [[w:Randy Boone|Randy Boone]] - Randy Benton (Season 1-3)
* [[w:L. Q. Jones|L. Q. Jones]] - Andy Belden (Season 2-6; 9)
* [[w:Diane Roter|Diane Roter]] - Jennifer - Garth's Niece (Season 4)
* [[w:John Dehner|John Dehner]] - Morgan Starr (Season 4)
* [[w:Charles Bickford|Charles Bickford]] - John Grainger (Season 5-6)
* [[w:Don Quine|Don Quine]] - Stacey Grainger (Season 5-6)
* [[w:Sara Lane|Sara Lane]] - Elizabeth Grainger (Season 5-8)
* [[w:John McIntire|John McIntire]] - Clay Grainger (Season 6-8)
* [[w:Tim Matheson|Tim Matheson]] as Jim Horn (Season 8)
* [[w:Stewart Granger|Stewart Granger]] -  as Col. Alan MacKenzie (Season 9)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia|The Virginian (TV series)}}
{{Commonscat|The Virginian (TV series)}}
* {{imdb title|0055710|The Virginian}}
* [http://www.thevirginian.net/ The Official Virginian Website] 
* [http://www.thevirginian.co.cc/ The Irish Virginian Fan Forum]
* [http://www.buckskins.com/ Buckskins.com]
* {http://www.facebook.com/DonQuineFans  Fan Site for Don Quine, Stacey Grainger on &quot;The Virginan&quot;}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Virginian, The}}
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    <title>V (1983 miniseries)</title>
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'''''[[w:V (1983 miniseries)|V: The Original Miniseries]]''''' is a 1983 TV miniseries, airing on [[w:NBC|NBC]], in which aliens come to Earth to ask for our help, but a few suspicious humans discover their horrific true intentions and prepare to resist.

== Michael Donovan ==
* You always said it couldn't happen here... Then one day we woke up and we were living in a Fascist state.
* You know, you're only as free as the leash they keep you on. You tug hard enough, and they'll hang you with it.

== Dialogue ==
===Episode 1===
:'''John''': We have come in peace, to all mankind. Our planet is the fourth in distance from the star you call Sirius, some 8.7 light years from Earth. This is the first time we have left our system, and you the first intelligent life we've encountered. We're pleased to meet you. We have come on behalf of our great Leader, him who governs our united planet with benevolence and wisdom. We have come because we need your help. Our planet is in serious environmental difficulty, far far worse than yours, it's reached the stage where we will be unable to survive without immediate assistance. There are certain chemicals and compounds which we must manufacture, which alone can save our struggling civilization. And you can help us manufacture these and in return, we will gladly share with you the fruits of our knowledge.
:'''Kristine Walsh''': Unbelievable...
:'''Michael Donovan''': Yeah...
:'''John''': Now that we have established contact, we will like to meet with individual governments to make requests for certain operating plants to be retooled for the manufacture of the compound which we need.
:'''Eleanor Dupres''': I hope they pick your plant!
:'''John''': And we'll reward your generosity as I have said by educating your industrial and scientific complex to the limits of our knowledge, helping to solve your environmental, agricultural and health dilemmas. Then we'll leave you as we came... In peace.
:'''Denny''': Talk about an offer we can't refuse, huh!
:'''Juliet Parrish''': I wonder what would happen if we did...
:'''John''': Now if our circumstances were reversed, and you had come to visit us, I know that I would feel a burning curiosity to see the inside your of spacecraft right away.
:'''Robert Maxwell''': An understatement!
:'''John''': With that in mind, I'd like to have the Secretary-General and several of your journalists accompany us back aboard our Mother Ship, for the first of many opportunities to get to know us better. My name is John.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ruby Engels''': Abraham, don't get so wound up. Nothing's going to happen. Not to you or your family. They're not doctors or biologists, or even scientists. You're not involved. Anyway, it's going to pass. 
:'''Abraham Bernstein''': That's what I said in 1938, back in Berlin.
:'''Ruby''': But this is different.
:'''Abraham''': ''[glances at his grandson Daniel wearing a Visitor Friends uniform and congratulated by Brian]'' Is it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Diana''': Yes, but you know how impatient our Leader can be.
:'''Steven''': Even with you? ''[Diana glares at him]'' I just thought that given the intimacy of your relationship, he might...
:'''Diana''': Be ''very careful'', Steven.
:'''Steven''': I just hate to see you maybe so distressed.
:'''Diana''': He doesn't understand that my conversion process is still limited. Doesn't work the same on every subject.
:'''Steven''': Yes, but when it does work, like Dividier, Jankowski, and the others, it's remarkable.
:'''Diana''': Yes, it is.
:'''Steven''': They actually believe that a conspiracy exists or even their part on it.
:'''Diana''': And of course, the evidence we planted reinforces their beliefs.
:'''Steven''': The operation is working perfectly. Scientists are be ostracized, disorganized throughout the world.
:'''Diana''': Problem is, our beloved Leader says, &quot;Why not just convert them all?&quot; He doesn't understand that the human will is much, much tougher than we bargained for. To convert them all would take forever. However, we will continue to refine the process.
:'''Steven''': Yes, I'm sure you will, successfully.
:'''Diana''': We must find the most effective and efficient methods to be used against them.
:'''Steven''': Oh I don't think our Leader could have possibly chosen anyone who could do a better job than you.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Having escaped the LA Mothership, Mike Donovan reaches the local station and is allowed a chance to be in a special report for the 11PM news. The crew scrambles to prepare]''
:'''Anchorman''': ''[walks to the set with Mike Donovan]'' Mike why in the world would they carry that chemical up to the mothership and just gonna dump it into the air?
:'''Mike Donovan''': Beats me.
:'''Studio Director''': ''[in booth]'' All right here they come. Get double mikes on them right now. I want the lavs right now.
:'''Anchorman''': ''[guides Mike on set as crew puts their lapel mics on]'' I'll do the setup, intro you and we roll the tape and you just -
:'''Assistant Director''': ''[to director]'' 30 seconds. ''[over own channel]'' now, roll VTR..
:'''Studio Director''': Andy please, we got 30 seconds, give me lights now.
:'''Technical Director''': Coming up.
:'''Studio Director''': Now camera one, ''[to technical director]'' I want to start with two, then go back to one. ''[to Mike on camera 3]'' You okay, Mike? ''[Mike nods]'' Okay get me a closeup.
:'''Assistant Director''': ''[overlap with studio director]'' Ten seconds... quiet on the line! You're breaking up ''[counts down]'' five seconds! Four, three, two...one.
:'''Studio Director''': ''[signals]'' Cue New York, take your slide ''[SPECIAL BULLETIN card kicks]'' and cue announce.
:'''Voiceover''': The following is a special report from Los Angeles.
:'''Studio Director''': Camera two, and ''[snaps signal]'' take two. Cue please.
:'''Anchorman''': An astonishing occurrence just took place board the Mothership just off - ''[screen goes to static just as the director was about to signal another cue]''
:'''Studio Director''': Hey what the hell happened!? ''[to Mike]'' Hold on kid, we got a problem on the line ''[to assistant director]'' What the hell is going on?
:'''Assistant Director''': ''[as studio director is speaking]'' Hello New York? They what? Are you getting us? Hello? ''[as studio director speaks to her]'' They WHAT? We lost Ma Bell.
:'''Studio Director''': We've what? 
:'''Assistant Director''': Somebody's pulled AT&amp;T right out from under us. They pulled the plug. The whole damn network's off the air.
:'''Technical Director''': ''[sees ABC and CBS monitors are out]'' So are both the others.
:'''Assistant Director''': ''[on her channel]'' What's that Bert? Hello? Hello!? ''[to studio director]'' Now I've lost New York.
:'''Technical Director''': ''[sees screen flicker on]'' There's something... ''[the Visitor logo appears]''
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Stanley Bernstein discovers that his father, Abraham, hid the Maxwells in their pool house]''
:'''Stanley Bernstein''': I really don't believe you brought them here.
:'''Abraham Bernstein''': They have nowhere to go. Their house is being watched now.
:'''Stanley''': And so is ours! By Daniel! Tell them that we're sorry...
:'''Abraham''': Stanley, you don't understand. They have to stay. They need a place to hide!
:'''Stanley''': And why is that?
:'''Abraham''': Because the father is a scientist -
:'''Stanley''': - and therefore suspect! And a fugitive, I take it, which would make them doubly dangerous.
:'''Abraham''': They have to stay.
:'''Stanley''': And I'm telling you to get them out, before I...
:'''Abraham''': I won't.
:'''Stanley''': Then I will!
:'''Abraham''': ''[shouts]'' NO, YOU WON'T! ''[approaches him]'' We had to put you in a suitcase. In a suitcase! You were eight months old. That's how we smuggled you out.
:'''Stanley''': I know the story!
:'''Abraham''': No, you don't! You don't. Your mother, ''aluv shalom''...your mother didn't have a heart attack in the boxcar. She made it with me, to the [[w:concentration camp|camp]]. I can still see her, standing naked in the freezing cold. Her beautiful black hair was gone. They'd shaved her head. I can still see her waving to me, as they marched her off with the others to the showers - the showers with no water. Perhaps, if somebody had given us a place to hide... ''[pleads]'' don't you see, Stanley? They have to stay. Or else, we haven't learned a thing!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Daniel Bernstein saunters up to Robin Maxwell.]''
:'''Robin Maxwell''': Is he still a virgin, do you think?
:'''Daniel Bernstein''': Who?
:'''Robin''': ''[smiles]'' Brian.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Abraham Bernstein and Ruby Engels see a group of kids spray painting a row of Visitor propaganda posters]''
:'''Abraham Bernstein''': No! ''[stops kid]'' If you are going to do it, do it right. I'll show you. ''[takes the hand of the kid with the spray paint and draws a large red &quot;V&quot; on the FRIENDSHIP IS UNIVERSAL poster]'' You understand? For Victory! Go tell your friends...''[walks away]''

===Episode 2===
:''[The morning after Daniel Bernstein learns that the Maxwells are in their poolhouse]''
:'''Daniel Bernstein''': ''[pours champagne into parents and grandfather's glasses]'' Pretty classy, huh? Champagne for breakfast. 
:'''Stanley Bernstein''': Where'd you get it?
:'''Daniel''': From a local merchant. One who knows the value of having friends. And now a toast-to my engagement.
:'''Lynn Maxwell''': To whom?
:'''Daniel''': Robin Maxwell.
:'''Lynn''': ''[after looking at Stanley]'' But she's gone away, Danny.
:'''Daniel''': Oh, not '''that''' far away.
:'''Stanley''': How does Robin feel about this, Daniel?
:'''Daniel''': She doesn't know about it, yet. You don't realize it. But I want her, so I'll get her, just as much as I wanted this champagne...and I got it. Otherwise, I'll just have to turn the whole damned family in.
:''[Abraham Bernstein splashes his champagne into Daniel's face before walking out of the dining room.]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Martin''': You know Diana, rather than putting Mr. Donovan away, he might prove very useful to us as a convert.
:'''Diana''': My instincts tell me he'd be too difficult as a subject. That's why I decided not to bother. Take him to the final area.
:'''Martin''': I always thought you thrived on challenges...
:'''Diana''': I do, but I like better odds.
:'''Martin''': That's curious, I would've have thought you'd find the difficult game far more interesting. But anyway, you're probably right. I don't think even you with all your abilities could ever turn this head of his...''[Turns to walk out of the room]''
:'''Diana''': Martin wait. Don't take him to the final area just yet... Perhaps I would enjoy the challenge of converting him.
:'''Martin''': Well, as you wish, Diana. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike Donovan''': That damn dragon lady can bend people's minds around, what the hell does she need a blowtorch for!?
:'''Martin''': Conversion is a very difficult and time-consuming operation. When Diana simply needs some information, she'll do whatever's most effective and efficient... And she likes to do it. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike sees the long rows of humans inside cryostasis tanks]''
:'''Martin''': The Leader needs them living. Some of them will be made into troops for battles with his enemy.
:'''Mike Donovan''': What enemy?
:'''Martin''': A force that has defeated him before.
:'''Mike''': His enemy? That makes him our friends right? That's something to go on!
:'''Martin''': ''[over Mike's comments]'' I don't know about that.
:'''Mike''': You said some of them will be his troops. Not all. What about the others?
:'''Martin''': In addition to the water... there is another basic shortage on our planet.
:'''Mike''': ''[understanding in horror]'' Food!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike Donovan''': How'd someone like that get to be your leader anyway?
:'''Martin''': Charisma. Circumstances, promises... Not enough of us spoke out to question him until it was too late. It happens on your planet, doesn't it? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[During Mike's second escape from the mothership, where he brings out Robin and Sancho aboard a Skyfighter with Martin's help]''
:'''Mike Donovan''': Martin. Say it man! You're scared. 
:'''Martin''': Yeah. It's very, very dangerous for me here now. 
:'''Mike''': ''[points to Sancho]'' What does he look like, a Sunday afternoon in Disneyland? I'm sure Barbara was scared and Tony too. Hell man, we're all scared, every last damn one of us! But we've each gotta help out in the best way we can. Now how about it, man? Are you game?
:'''Martin''': You'll have a tendency to overcompensate. The controls are very, very sensitive. If you let it, Mike, it will almost fly itself.
:'''Mike''': I hope so. ''[Just before settling at the controls, he reaches his hand to Martin]'' Hey. I'm proud to have you as a friend.
:'''Martin''': ''[shakes hand]'' I hope we live to be old friends.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eleanor Dupres''': I know the Visitors aren't saints, but they're in power! They '''are''' power...You and I are in unique positions, don't you see that? Why not take advantage of- 
:'''Mike Donovan''': Because I can't survive at the expense of other people, it's not right! ''[pauses]'' You know, when I was a kid, there was a woman who taught me what was right and what was wrong...I wonder what became of her. ''[Eleanor smirks]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lynn Bernstein is made to read Abraham Bernstein's farewell letter as she refuses Robert Maxwell's pleas for help]''
:'''Lynn Bernstein''': 'My dear family, it's painful knowing that I will not see your faces anymore. I must take this stand for what I know is right. You may think that an old man wouldn't be afraid to die, but this old man is very frightened. I'm hoping that I'll find a little of your mother's ''[slows down as the gravity of his words take effect]'' dignity and strength. So far, I'm as frightened as a child who fears the dark. But we must fight this darkness that is threatening to engulf us. Each of us must be a ray of hope and do our part and join with the others till we've become a blinding light, triumphant over darkness. Until that task is accomplished, life will have no meaning. More than anything, you must remember always which side you're on and fight for it. Your mother and I will march beside you, holding hands again. We'll sing your song of victory. You'll feel us in your hearts. Our spirit...' ''[nearly breaks down]''
:'''Stanley Bernstein''': 'Our spirits will be with you always. And our love.' We have to help, or else we won't have learned a thing.

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==

* Well, it’s funny…when I did ‘V’ originally, I of course went back and looked at Triumph Of The Will and the kind of propaganda films that Leni Riefenstahl had made for Hitler. There are a number of shots in ‘V’ that are actually framed the way that she framed some of the shots that she made in Triumph Of The Will.
:* Kenneth Johnson [http://www.denofgeek.us/tv/19592/the-den-of-geek-interview-kenneth-johnson]

== Cast ==
* [[w:Marc Singer|Marc Singer]] - Mike Donovan
* [[w:Faye Grant|Faye Grant]] - Juliet Parrish
* [[w:Jane Badler|Jane Badler]] - Diana 	
* [[w:Richard Herd|Richard Herd]] - John 	
* [[w:Andrew Prine|Andrew Prine]] - Steven 	
* [[w:Frank Ashmore|Frank Ashmore]] - Martin 	
* [[Robert Englund]] - Willie 	
* [[w:Peter Nelson (actor)|Peter Nelson]] - Brian
* [[w:Michael Durrell|Michael Durrell]] - Robert Maxwell
* [[w:David Packer|David Packer]] - Daniel Bernstein
* [[w:Neva Patterson|Neva Patterson]] - Eleanor Dupres
* [[w:Blair Tefkin|Blair Tefkin]] - Robin Maxwell
* [[w:Michael Wright (actor)|Michael Wright]] - Elias Taylor
* [[w:Bonnie Bartlett|Bonnie Bartlett]] - Lynn Bernstein
* [[w:Leonardo Cimino|Leonardo Cimino]] - Abraham Bernstein
* [[w:Richard Lawson (actor)|Richard Lawson]] - Dr. Ben Taylor
* [[w:Jason Bernard|Jason Bernard]] - Caleb Taylor
* [[w:Jenny Sullivan|Jenny Sullivan]] - Kristine Walsh
* [[w:Diane Civita|Diane Civita]] - Harmony Moore
* [[w:Tommy Petersen|Tommy Petersen]] - Josh Brooks
* [http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0426616/ Eric Johnston] - Sean Donovan

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|0085106|V: The Original Miniseries}}

[[Category:NBC shows]]
[[Category:1980s American science fiction TV shows]]
[[Category:American TV miniseries]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>V The Final Battle</title>
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      <text bytes="14161" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:V (The Final Battle)|V: The Final Battle]]''''' is a 1984 miniseries about a small group of human resistance fighters who fight a desperate guerrilla war against the genocidal extra-terrestrials who dominate Earth. It is a sequel to [[V (1983 miniseries)|V: The Original Miniseries]].

== Dialogue ==
===Episode 1===
:''[At the Los Angeles Medical Center, Kristine Walsh chances upon a well-known doctor while preparing news coverage of John's announcement]''
:'''Kristine Walsh''': Dr. Walker! Excuse me. Dr. Walker. ''[offers hand for handshake]'' Kristine Walsh. We met in Palm Springs, Gerald Ford's? I've been such an admirer of yours, I wanted to -
:'''Walker''': I remember you, Ms. Walsh. You were a newswoman.
:'''Walsh''': Well, I'm still a newswoman.
:'''Walker''': No, Ms. Walsh, I know what you are, but you're certainly not a newswoman. At best, a press secretary; at worst, a collaborator.
:'''Walsh''': ''[stunned at reaction]'' I don't know what you've been told, Dr. Walker, but I'm just doing my job.
:'''Walker''': ''[contemptuous]'' Familiar words. I wonder how many times that phrase was used at the [[w:Nuremberg Trials|Nuremberg Trials]].
:'''Walsh''': ''[offended]'' That is insulting and untrue-
:'''Walker''': Ms. Walsh, I'll tell you what ''is'' untrue. It is untrue that you're working for a benevolent regime. It is untrue that you're an impartial journalist. What's true is that fascists have taken over our planet. You're their [[w:Joseph Goebbels|minister of propaganda]]. You're a discredit to your profession. You've allowed personal ambition to corrupt your integrity, and you no longer have credibility. Good day. ''[Dr. Walker turns on his heel and walks away, passing Steven and Diana nearby, implying they witnessed the exchange.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While thinking of how to counterfeit a security pass for the hospital raid]''
:'''Mike Donovan''': We need to get those passes. Mark, you're a cop.
:'''Mark''': ''Ex''-cop.
:'''Mike''': Elias, you're a hood.
:'''Elias Taylor''': ''Ex''-hood.
:'''Mike''': ''[rolls eyes]'' Together, I think you two could come up with the best [[w:counterfeiting|counterfeiter]] around.
:'''Mark''': ''[after pondering]'' Pascal.
:'''Elias''': Dan Pascal?
:'''Mark''': Yeah.
:'''Elias''': ''[sarcastic]'' If he's still alive.
:'''Mike''': Find him.
:'''Mark''': Ok. ''[motions to Elias]'' Let's go.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[During John's announcement at the the Los Angeles Medical Center, the rebels suddenly spring up and hijack the place]''
:'''Ruby Engels''': ''[points a shotgun at Kristine Walsh, who sits at the camera area]'' All right, pretty face, grab some air!
:'''Father Andrew''': ''[shoots into the air]'' Everybody freeze!
:''[Elias and Robert hold John together while Mike grabs Diana at the top of the stairs]''
:'''Juliet Parrish''': The Visitors are not our friends! They've come to rape our planet and kill us! They are NOT who they appear to be! ''[Rips off part of John's face to the horrors of the audience, revealing a reptiloid face.]'' This is not science-fiction, this is what they are!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Diana''': ''[to Steven]'' You're rather accessible.
:'''Steven''': When the need arises.
:'''Supreme Commander John''': ''[annoyed]'' You certainly made '''''us''''' rather accessible tonight. If Diana hadn't been able to cover for your incompetence with this bit of instant movie-making, our credibility on this planet would be all but destroyed.

===Episode 2===
:'''Ham Tyler''': I like to get everyone's attention. That way, I don't have to repeat myself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''[Referring to Ham Tyler]''
:'''Martin''': Are there many more like him? 
:'''Mike Donovan''': Fortunately, selective breeding keeps their population to a minimum.
:'''Ham Tyler''': You know, from this distance I could almost cut him in half.
:'''Mike''': Anything more than a flesh wound and you get the same.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ham Tyler''': You know, if you let them live, Gooder, they're gonna breed. 
:'''Mike Donovan''': I prefer them to you.
:'''Ham:''': I may bring the neighborhood down, but they'll eat it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pamela''': Diana, my dear, sex for favors is as old as ambition. And sex is much too fragile a platform to support your ambition.
:'''Diana''': ''[acidly]'' You've managed. 
:'''Pamela''': That's because I've managed my ambition. You might reflect that your...lover...has sent you 65 trillion miles away from him...hardly an indication he can't bear to be apart from you...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Diana''': Tell me, Mr. Donovan, what is your opinion of the truth?
:'''Mike Donovan''': Depends on who I hear it from. ''[injects him with truth serum]''
:'''Diana''': What color is your hair, Mr. Donovan?
:'''Mike''': ''[trying to fight the serum's effects]'' Blue. ''[She injects him a second time.]''
:'''Diana''': '''''What color is your hair, Mr. Donovan?'''''
:'''Mike''': ''[gives in]'' ....brown...
:'''Diana''': Yes...a lovely shade of brown. ''[tousles Donovan's hair]'' Tell me, Mr. Donovan...The Fifth Column...who is its' leader? ''[Try as he might, Donovan is absolutely powerless to resist...]''
:'''Mike''': Martin... ''[Both Diana and her guards whip around to face Martin, but he manages to drop both guards. Unfortunately, Diana manages to escape.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Diana''': ''[furious]'' I want the ship cordoned off! Search section by section! I want Donovan and that traitor found!
:'''Supreme Commander Pamela''': ''[smug]'' Is that the sound of panic in your voice, Diana?
:'''Diana''': ''[stern at reaction]'' The situation is under control.
:'''Supreme Commander Pamela''': Oh, &quot;under control,&quot; you say? One of your most trusted leftenants has betrayed you, escaped right under your nose with the leader of the Resistance, and you have the gall to tell me that everything is under control?
:'''Diana''': They will be captured, and dealt with.
:'''Supreme Commander Pamela''': Oh, I hope so...''[turns to leave, but turns back as if there was something she forgot to say. She closes the distance between herself and Diana.]'' Otherwise...I'll be forced to strip you of your command! Is that clear?
:'''Diana''': Very. ''[Pamela exits.]''

===Episode 3===
:''[During the capture of Brian at the Maxwell residence, Ham is about to thrust a broken bottle in Daniel's face as revenge for killing Ruby. Caleb holds him back.]''
:'''Caleb Taylor''': Are you gonna kill him?
:'''Ham Tyler''': As many times as I can!
:'''Caleb''': No, I got a better idea. ''[knocks out Daniel with a pistol-whipping to the back of his head]''
:'''Ham''': That's it?
:'''Caleb''': Trust me!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Inside the Visitor security headquarters, after the Visitors beat up Daniel over Brian's capture and how he became the fall guy.]''
:'''Daniel Bernstein''': What are you going to do with me, Stephen?
:'''Stephen''': Send you where you'll serve us well.
:'''Daniel''': ''[Sees two white-coated orderlies enter the room]'' Where is that?
:'''Stephen''': Where else? On a serving platter. ''[snaps fingers at guards]''
:'''Daniel''': No! Stephen, no!!!! NOOOO!!!!! ''[The guards haul off Daniel, followed by the orderlies]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Inside the Visitors' LA Mothership, Robin's daughter, Elizabeth, begins to type words in a computer. Diana is close by.]''
:'''Elizabeth''': ''[utters single word from computer]'' Pretanama. ''[Visitorese for 'Peace']''
:'''Diana''': It's not in our destiny.
:'''Elizabeth''': Pretanama.
:'''Diana''': NO!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Resistance are debating whether to use the Red Dust following Martin's revelation that the LA Mothership could be primed to self-destruct, taking Earth with it]''
:'''Robert Maxwell''': Look, the man's just presented ''his'' side of the argument!
:'''Ham Tyler''': There IS no argument! We either win, or we lose! There's no in-between!
:'''Robert''': No! No! Because we're not talking about just the people here in this room! Look, be real clear, people: if we lose, then the WHOLE DAMN WORLD loses!
:'''Julie''': ''[tiredly]'' We're not fighting the same war anymore. The rules have changed now, it's escalated way out of control.
:'''Chris''': Yeah, see...war has a tendency to do that, ma'am.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tyler''': The Visitors came here to suck us dry. When they're finished with this planet, they're gonna take it like an empty beer can and toss it over their shoulder.
:'''Julie''': Nobody's calling them good guys, Tyler. No one's appealing to their better nature. You can't win a war if you're ''extinct! [she turns in appeal to the group]'' We've got to think of another way!
:'''Elias''': ''[very quietly]'' There ''is'' no other way. There's no time. Look, if Martin knows about the Red Dust, then you can believe Diana does, too - and if she doesn't, then she will in a few days. Hey...hey, as...as ragged an' as ordinary as this little bunch is...we're the last shot before the buzzer.
:'''Julie''': 'Last' is ''exactly'' right.
:'''Elias''': ''[louder]'' Now if we attack - if we attack, at least we got a fightin' chance. We do nothing, we're signin' this planet's death warrant.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Elias oversees the handling of a Red Dust shipment]''
:'''Elias Taylor''': Yo, yo, go easy on the dust, dudes. Gonna do you no good to snort it here. ''[man laughs]''
:'''Caleb Taylor''': ''[approaches Elias]'' Elias -
:'''Elias''': Look, Pop, will you give me a break, please, huh? I was just jokin' with the guys, I didn't mean nothin' by it -!
:'''Caleb''': Right away you assume I'm gonna come down on you.
:'''Elias''': Ain't that the way it's always been, huh?!
:'''Caleb''': Perhaps so... I disagreed with what you said at the meeting -
:'''Elias''': So what's new?
:'''Caleb''': - but you said it ''well.'' I was damn proud of you, son.
:'''Elias''': Really?
:'''Caleb''': Yes. ''[they hug, reconciled at last]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pamela''': How did you find out about those raids? That's classified information.
:'''Diana''': I'm entitled to know about the raids. The intelligence comes from a source ''I'' created.
:'''Pamela''': You're entitled to information that pertains to the scientific aspects of our mission - nothing more.
:'''Diana''': Then you're not taking the boy's report seriously?
:'''Pamela''': ''[disdainful]'' It's not standard practice to base troop movements on the tattlings of a ten-year-old Earthling.
:'''Diana''': I converted him myself. The information is reliable.
:'''Pamela''' Well, I have serious doubts about your conversion process. However, I'll have someone look into it.
:'''Diana:''' When? The raids are scheduled for tomorrow.
:'''Pamela''': You scientific types are so easily ruffled.
:'''Diana''': And you military types are so predictable. ''[Takes out her gun and shoots Pamela and her guard.]'' You rely on cunning, intrigue...I prefer the direct approach. Don't worry, dear Pamela, I'll do my scientific best to command your fleet. And tomorrow, ''I'll'' destroy the rebels! Consider this...an early retirement. ''[shoots Pamela in the stomach]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Before pouring a bag full of Red Dust on Stephen]''
:'''Ham Tyler''': Say goodnight, hotshot.

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==

*Warners was anxious to move on and do a television series, because that’s where you really make your bucks as a studio. Although they can be prestigious, mini-series are often pricey and don’t make a lot of money for the studio. They were eager to do the sequel as quickly and cheaply…and dirt [laughs] as it possibly could be done and get it out of the way.
:I had real concerns about the erosion of quality and ultimately decided that I couldn’t do it in the kind of manner that they were talking about; the classic illustration of ‘creative differences’. It was a bit like having a baby and giving it over to foster-parents that you didn’t trust to raise. And I was right, unfortunately [laughs]. It was too bad what they did with it.
*All of my friends who worked on it told me ‘Don’t ever watch it. Kenny – it is not the script that you guys wrote’…I had three very talented writers working on it with me. But once I left, they brought in a new producing team and a new writer and a new director, who proceeded to rather disembowel it.
:I’ve only ever seen about thirty seconds by accident as I was channel-surfing one day, and recognised the scene. And after thirty seconds, I turned it off, because I watched them, in thirty seconds, make every mistake they could possibly make in thirty seconds. And I realised that I could never possibly watch the whole thing. So…no!
:* Kenneth Johnson [http://www.denofgeek.us/tv/19592/the-den-of-geek-interview-kenneth-johnson]

== Cast ==
* [[w:Jane Badler|Jane Badler]] - Diana 
* [[w:Michael Durrell|Michael Durrell]] - Robert Maxwell
* [[Robert Englund]] - Willie 
* [[w:Faye Grant|Faye Grant]] - Juliet Parish 
* [[w:Richard Herd|Richard Herd]] - Supreme Commander John
* [[w:Thomas Hill (actor)|Thomas Hill]] - Father Andrew Doyle 
* [[w:Michael Ironside|Michael Ironside]] - Ham Tyler 
* [[w:Peter Nelson (actor)|Peter Nelson]] - Brian 
* [[w:David Packer|David Packer]] - Daniel Bernstein
* [[w:Neva Patterson|Neva Patterson]] - Eleanor Dupres 
* [[w:Andrew Prine|Andrew Prine]] - Steven 
* [[w:Sandy Simpson|Sandy Simpson]] - Mark 
* [[w:Marc Singer|Marc Singer]] - Mike Donovan 
* [[w:Blair Tefkin|Blair Tefkin]] - Robin Maxwell 
* [[w:Michael Wright (actor)|Michael Wright]] - Elias Taylor 
* [[w:Denise Galik|Denise Galik]] - Maggie Blodgett 
* [[w:Jason Bernard|Jason Bernard]] - Caleb Taylor 
* [[w:Rafael Campos|Rafael Campos]] - Sancho Gomez
* [[w:Frank Ashmore|Frank Ashmore]] - Martin 
* [[w:Viveka Davis|Viveka Davis]] - Polly Maxwell 
* [[w:Marin May|Marin May]] - Katie Maxwell 
* [[w:Greta Blackburn|Greta Blackburn]] - Lorraine
* [http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0426616/ Eric Johnston] - Sean Donovan

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} 
*{{imdb title|id=0086823|V: The Final Battle}}

[[Category:NBC shows]]
[[Category:1980s American science fiction TV shows]]
[[Category:American TV miniseries]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>V (1984 TV series)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>125643</id>
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      <id>3147507</id>
      <parentid>2877645</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:12:49Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* External links */ r/m Template:Tv.com show</comment>
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      <text bytes="3660" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:V (1984 TV series)|V]]''''' (1984-1985) is a TV series that takes place a year after Liberation Day when, courtesy of the red-dust bacteria, the humanoid, lizard-like aliens develop a resistance to the micro-organism and try to regain control of the Earth--only now some humans are knowingly working with them.

{{tv-stub}}
== Season 1==
===Liberation Day [1.1]===

:'''Martin''': What do you think you're gonna get for stealing a helicopter? 
:'''Mike''': Two years. Or a pulitzer prize! Now where's that ambulance?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nathan''': Tell me, Mr. Tyler, what would you do with Diana? 
:''Ham''': I'd use her for target practice. 
:'''Nathan''': Then you reject the argument that she can atone for her crimes by helping us in our fight against disease? 
:'''Ham''': Diana is the disease.

===Dreadnought [1.2]===
:'''Julie''': All you had to do was release the red dust! 
:'''Nathan''': It's not quite that simple. Take a look at this. These are laboratory animals that were exposed to heavy doses of the red dust - you can see the results: mutations, sterility, death... 
:'''Julie''': That's impossible. I tested it on myself! Our data showed that the red dust was harmless to life on Earth. 
:'''Nathan''': We were wrong. We're at the threshold right now. 
:'''Julie''': So we can't use the red dust anymore without... 
:'''Nathan''': Without destroying all life on earth.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

===Breakout [1.3]===

===The Deception [1.4]===
:'''Bates''': I did this for you, you know....
:'''Kyle''': Business, Brinksmanship and bucks, three Bs. Kyle begins with a K, remember dad? So don't pin this one on me....
:'''Bates''': I suppose you think you'd be living here lizard free if it weren't for the open city agreement....
:'''Kyle''': Lizard free? What an interesting idea! too bad it doesn't really apply.
:'''Bates''': Of course it does, for fifty miles within the confines of Los Angeles...
:'''Kyle''': For now, while they chow down on the rest of the planet!

=== The Sanction[1.5]===
:(Sean tells Ham that Mike is dead) 
:'''Sean''': You should be glad my father's dead. 
:'''Ham''': Watch your mouth when you talk about your dad. 
:'''Sean''': You didn't like him. 
:'''Ham''': &quot;Like&quot; had nothing to do with it. Your father and I saw things differently. 
:'''Sean''': He shouldn't have come after me. 
:'''Ham''': You don't understand, do you? He loved you. You were his son. I'd have done the same thing.

=== Visitors Choice [1.6]===

===The Overlord[1.7]===

:'''Garrison''': (to Mike) Who in the hell are you?
:'''Mike''': I'm the man who's gonna make you wish you never asked that question!

===The Dissident [1.9]===
:'''Ham''': Never relax. You gotta be more careful, there's a war going on.
:'''Kyle''': I thought we were supposed to have faith in each other. 
:'''Ham''': Faith is for nuns and amateurs.

===Reflection in Terror [1.10]===
== Cast ==
* [[w:Jane Badler|Jane Badler]] - Diana 
* [[w:June Chadwick|June Chadwick]] - Lydia
* [[w:Jennifer Cooke|Jennifer Cooke]] - Elizabeth Maxwell 
* [[Robert Englund]] - Willie 
* [[w:Faye Grant|Faye Grant]] - Dr. Julie Parrish 
* [[w:Marc Singer|Marc Singer]] - Mike Donovan 
* [[w:Jeff Yagher|Jeff Yagher]] - Kyle Bates 
* [[w:Michael Ironside|Michael Ironside]] - Ham Tyler
* [[w:Lane Smith|Lane Smith]] - Nathan Bates 
* [[w:Blair Tefkin|Blair Tefkin]] - Robin Maxwell 
* [[w:Michael Wright (actor)|Michael Wright]] - Elias Taylor 
* [[w:Mickey Jones|Mickey Jones]] - Chris Farber

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} 
* {{imdb title|0086822|V: The Series}}

[[Category:NBC shows]]
[[Category:1980s American science fiction TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]</text>
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    <title>V (2009 TV series)</title>
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      <id>3147508</id>
      <parentid>2938052</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:12:59Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* External links */ r/m Template:Tv.com show</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="19140" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:V (2009 TV series)|V]]''''' (2009–2011) is an American television show, airing on [[w:ABC|ABC]], about a counter-terrorism agent who learns that a technologically-advanced alien species with seemingly good intentions are actually reptilian humanoids determined to take over the Earth.

== Season 1 ==
=== ''Pilot'' [1.01] ===
'''Marcus''': Compromising one's principles for the greater good is not a shameful act.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
'''Father Jack Landry''': Under the right conditions and enough time gratitude can morph into worship -- or even worse: devotion.

=== ''There Is No Normal Anymore'' [1.02] ===
:'''Father Travis''': Establishing ties with the visitors is a good thing, Jack. More souls to save. You'll see.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Anna''': (looking at herself in the mirror dressed in a kimono) I'm told in Japan this conveys both a respect for tradition and the allure of submission.
:'''Marcus''': I'm not sure that's the message you want to send.
:'''Anna''': You still don't understand Humanity.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Erica''': The Visitors, they traced the call.
:'''Jack''': How's that possible?
:'''Erica''': How is any of this possible? Dale was my partner, he was one of them. He's been my partner for 7 years, long before the ships showed up. Anyone could be a Visitor. Jack, go home. Jack, go home.
:'''Jack''': What?
:'''Erica''': Go home. Act normal. Pretend this never happened.
:'''Jack''': Wait, we can't just walk away from this.
:'''Erica''': We can't attack it head-on. It's too dangerous. I have to figure out what to do. Go home. Don't trust anyone. Anyone.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Jack''': You're an FBI agent?
:'''Erica''': You're a friggin' priest?

=== ''A Bright New Day'' [1.03] ===
:'''Ryan''': You ever heard of John May?
:'''Georgie''': Guy's a myth.
:'''Ryan''': No. He's not a myth. He's real. John May is the leader of the Fifth Column. First group of Visitors to ever turn against the leadership, he started it.
:'''Georgie''': The Visitors have sleeper cells everywhere.
:'''Ryan''': Yeah, and so do we. The Fifth Column is down but it's not out. We can win this.
:'''Georgie''': And if John May gets into this?
:'''Ryan''': He'll bring an army.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Tyler''': You got your Visa today, huh?
:'''Lisa''': Yeah.
:'''Tyler''': So, what do you think about New York?
:'''Lisa''': Still getting the hang of this whole Earth thing, you know?
:'''Tyler''': Yeah, me too.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Jack''': I wanna be useful. I wanna be able to look people in the eye and say, &quot;God loves you and everything's gonna be fine.&quot; How do I tell them that? I don't even know what to tell myself anymore.
:'''Erica''': I know how you feel.
:'''Jack''': Why are the V's doing it like this? Why the infiltration? Why the sleeper cells? Why don't they just annihilate us and get it over with?
:'''Erica''': Because they're smart and patient and whatever their plan is, they need us for something. And until we figure out what that is we have to fight them the same way they're fighting us: one step at a time.

=== ''It's Only the Beginning'' [1.04] ===
(Anna shows Tyler the engine room)
:'''Anna''': This is the propulsion system we use on each of our twenty-nine ships. This... is the engine room.
:'''Tyler'''': (enraptured) You gotta be kidding me.
:'''Anna''': No human has ever seen this before. You are the first, Tyler. (smiles) I thought you'd like it.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Ryan''': Everything that I've told you is true.
:'''Erica''': Except that you're a Visitor.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Erica''': (talking about how to react against the Vs) The more predictable we are, the more vulnerable we are.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Georgie''': (To Father Jack) Pretty soon you need to decide what you are. A priest or soldier.

=== ''Welcome to the War'' [1.05] ===
:'''Father Jack''': I feel like something's changed inside me.
:'''Erica''': We're all changing. I just made a deal with the Devil. I broke every oath that I have sworn to protect. I don't know what I'm thinking.
:'''Father Jack''': You're thinking about protecting your son, the ones you love.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Erica''': Welcome to the war.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Anna''': Deliver the villain and a hero emerges.

=== ''Pound of Flesh'' [1.06] ===
:'''Georgie''': Long live the Fifth Column!

===''John May'' [1.07]===
:'''Anna''': Let them have this one victory because I'm about to deliver them a thousand defeats.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Ryan''': Ten years ago, when I came to your house for dinner, that was the day that I killed John May.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Anna''': If we've learned anything it's that emotion is weakness. Love is the greatest flaw of humans and our best tool to break them.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kyle''': Your girl with the Freddy Krueger claws, did she give you something, like a promise ring, anything?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Erica''': Sometimes you have to lie to people to protect them.
:'''Father Jack''': Am I talking to the FBI Agent or the mother?

===''We Can't Win'' [1.08]===
:'''Anna''': (to Lisa) Joshua said you passed the empathy test - I never doubted you.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Secretary General''': Anna came here under the guise of diplomacy, but played politics with tragedy. She used the people of Timbal to gain public and political clout. The question is, if they're just visitors, why does she need that clout?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Chad''': They think you are a God.
:'''Anna''': Who does that make you?
:'''Chad''': A believer. Can I tell you what I believe? You are not just visitors, you are here to  stay. But, are you here for our benefit or for yours?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Erica''': Why did you do it? Tell me why.
:'''Sniper''': Because we can't win.

===''Heretic's Fork'' [1.09]===
:'''Ryan''': I need you to get into the car - okay? The visitors know about us now and will be looking for us.
:'''Valerie''': Why?
:'''Ryan''': They want our baby.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Ryan''': We have to go.
:'''Valerie''': Where are we going to go?
:'''Ryan''': Somewhere where the V's won't find us.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Valerie''': I don't want to see you again because I don't forgive you. 
:'''Ryan''': It was always for you... everything I ever did was for you.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Erica''': I'm sorry. I'm... I'm hearing this for the first time and it's from my son's girlfriend, and I'm... I feel like he's slipping away from me and he doesn't know it, and... I want him to be happy.
:'''Lisa''': I'm sorry, Mrs. Evans.
:'''Erica''': It's not your fault.
:''Lisa''': It is.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Father Jack''': Until we know for a fact he's not who he says he is, we treat him with decency.
:'''Kyle''': Human decency's a privilege, father. He's lost his. And, when we prove to you that he's lying, you're gonna lose yours, too.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Anna''': A human female is carrying a visitor baby. The existence of this baby puts our entire species at risk. A hybrid can be born with human emotions, love. The Fifth Column could breed an entire generation of hybrids to fight against us. It is a mongrel, a threat to our survival.

===''Hearts and Minds'' [1.10]===
:'''Anna''': (to wounded Lisa about Tyler) There is no greater incentive for a human male than a damsel in distress.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Father Jack''': If we wage war against the V's, if we strike preemptively, there is zero margin of error for us. Zero! Either we value life or we are the V's.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Father Jack''': I won't ever forget what one life is worth. If we're gonna win this war, we can't go off the rails. We can't lose sight of who we are.
:'''Erica''': Jack is right. We can never be like them.

===''Fruition'' [1.12]===
:'''Ryan''': Anna's lying. They're never leaving.
:'''Jack''': Then why make the announcement?
:'''Hobbes''': Oh, it's theater. The boo-hoo, the attack on the princess. She's putting on a show.
:'''Ryan''': Hobbes is right. Anna could've healed Lisa's wounds, but instead she left them for the world to see.
:'''Erica''': Question is, why? What is her interest in you and Parker?
:'''Hobbes''': I don't know.
:'''Erica''': Well, we need to find out. Joshua said that Anna is the one who beat Lisa. Slashed her face. She broke her legs.
:'''Jack''': Wait, Anna did that?
:'''Erica''': Yes.
:'''Jack''': How could she do that to her own daughter?
:'''Ryan''': Because she's not human. She's a Visitor. There's nothing that she won't do to get what she wants.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Erica''': My son is in love with her daughter. Is he in danger?
:'''Joshua''': At first, Tyler was just an assignment. But now I believe that her feelings for him are real. I don't think that she'd hurt him.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Erica''': I want you to know that I'm going to make stopping the Fifth Column my top priority.
:'''Anna''': Then I'm sure we'll cross paths again soon.
:'''Erica''': I'm not going anywhere, Anna.
:'''Anna''': As of this evening, neither am I.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''''Ryan''': Val has changed me. She allowed me to see the beauty in humanity. It was her love that enabled me to fight off Anna's bliss. But without her, I just don't think I can do it anymore.
:'''Father Jack''': None of us knows if we can. But with faith we can and, with faith, we do. That's all you can do, Ryan. That's all any of us can do.

===''Red Sky'' [1.13]===
:'''Erica''': Here's to your children's future, Anna. [Tosses the grenade into the egg pool, turns, dashes for the door, and dives out the door, propelled by the explosion]

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Marcus''': This is terrible, to be sure, but...
[Anna calls up a tactical display at her holographic desk]
:'''Marcus''': ... we must not act rashly.
Anna''': They must pay.
[Starts making holographic keystrokes until Marcus grabs her arm]
:'''Marcus''': This is too soon! If we initiate the sequence now...
[Anna, with an angry grunt, jerks her arm away and makes one last keystroke, causing the display to light up with thousands of bright red ship icons over a display of earth]
:'''Marcus''': Do you know what you've done?
:'''Anna''': Vengeance.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Anna''': [Lets out a primal scream, then barely gets under control] What's happening to me?
:'''Marcus''': I believe you are experiencing your first human emotion. [Anna screams again, louder. Behind them both, Lisa looks on - and smirks]

== Season 2 ==
=== ''Red Rain'' [2.01] ===
:'''Marcus''': They'll live... but they will be flawed.
:'''Anna''': These soldiers, my children, caused my prior outburst of emotion... Never again.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Erica''': Red sky is not Anna's latest gift. It is her latest weapon. And we do need you. We need your help to figure out the truth.
:'''Sidney''': Look, I'm not a soldier.
:'''Erica''': I know.
:'''Hobbes''': We don't need your fists. We need your brain. And if you say no, we'll kill you. (smirks) Ah, relax. I'm kidding. Maybe. 
:'''Ryan''': Like it or not, you're one of us now.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Ryan''': You've done nothing but run tests on me. Who knows what you're doing to her?
:'''Anna''': I'm just trying to discover how your daughter... a miracle, the first hybrid baby between human and V... was born.
:'''Ryan''': She was born out of something you will never understand... love.

===''Serpent's Tooth'' [2.02]===
:'''Jack''': Look, Ryan, I know that...Val's funeral was this morning, and I get that anger is easier than grief. So you can get all pissed off at what we're dealing with and go after them. We can do that, and we will. But you can't carry all this into that fight.
:'''Ryan''': Yeah? How come I can't?
:'''Jack''': Because if you shut it out, you'll lose sight of what you're really fighting for.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Agent Malik''': They think Red Sky was the first volley in a battle against humanity, and they're willing to do anything to throw a wrench in the Visitors' plans.
:'''Erica''': What plans?
:'''Kendrick''': Eat our brains, kidnap our young.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Erica''': I am very glad that you're on board. You are an excellent resource.
:'''Sidney''': (whining) Soldiers are studly, scientists are resources.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Erica''': Hey, nice look, Ty.
:'''Tyler''': Yeah, I cut myself shaving.
:'''Erica''': Well, you gotta stop using that bowie knife.

===''Laid Bare'' [2.03]===
:'''Erica''': Feels good, doesn't it?
:'''Ryan''': We only saved one.
:'''Erica''': To that mother, one is everything. This is what we're fighting for, to keep our children safe. We have to savor these wins.
:'''Ryan''': I wish I could.
:'''Erica''': Ryan... We're gonna get your daughter back.
:'''Ryan''': I know.
:'''Erica''': Good, 'cause if we lose hope, we lose this fight.

===''Unholy Alliance'' [2.04]===
:'''Anna''': This image... is quite disturbing. What does it represent?
:'''Father Piers Moreau''': The Underworld. Hell, where the unrepentant are sent beyond their death. Satan, a fallen angel, is surrounded by the souls of the damned.
:'''Anna''': I find it curious that you believe the soul can survive the death of the body.
:'''Father Piers Moreau''': That is the cornerstone of our fate - that the soul is immortal, meant for everlasting life. The human soul... interests you?
:'''Anna''': Yes. Indeed. Very much. For example, do you believe the body exists can exist without the soul?
:'''Father Piers Moreau''': It is the soul that makes us human. Without it, well, we would be nothing more than animals.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Anna''': You've been infected by human emotion. Is that why you didn't identify yourself to me at the Vatican?
:'''Father Piers Moreau''': I was given explicit orders to report only to *my* queen.
:'''Anna''': I *am* your queen. All this time you've been studying human emotions and the soul. I demand that you tell me everything you've discovered.
:'''Father Piers Moreau''': I would only tell Diana what I've learned.
:'''Anna''': You wanna see your queen? She's in hell... like other souls of the damned.

===''Concordia'' [2.05]===
:'''Eli''': Who the hell tipped Anna off?
:'''Kyle''': There were only two people who had the information and the means to alert Anna. Oh, correction. One person, and one reptile. And I damn well know it wasn't Erica.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Erica''': As much as I would love to take Anna out, I can't agree to this.
:'''Kyle''': Erica, we can end this war in one swift blow. This is our shot.
:'''Father Jack Landry''': Yeah, and how many innocents go with her?
:'''Erica''': Don't do this, Ryan. Don't put me in a position tonight where I have to make a choice. Because if I have to... I will take you down

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Chris''': Hey, uh, isn't that your ex?
:'''Erica''': Yeah. A problem with Tyler. I had to bring in the heavy artillery.

===''Siege'' [2.06]===

===''Birth Pangs'' [2.07]===
(Kyle enters the basement and sees the crucifix placed on the table)
:'''Kyle''': I thought you were done with the priest routine.
:'''Jack''': Well, it doesn't work like that. Wherever I walk, He walks.
:'''Kyle''': Try to keep Him contained to your corner, all right?
:'''Jack''': Why, you afraid of what He's gonna find in yours?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Hobbes''': I'm surprised you didn't bring a hatbox.
:'''Jack''': Don't worry I won't crowd your closet space. I'll leave plenty of room for all your cool black T-shirts.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Lisa''': Tyler! You can't keep running away from me.
:'''Tyler''': What are you talking about?
:'''Lisa''': I know you're holding in your emotions. Your father just died. It's okay to be sad, to feel.
:'''Tyler''': You don't get it, Lisa. I don't want to feel anything anymore. I just want to be a shuttle pilot and forget about my past

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Ryan''': I have to get my baby away from Anna. I need help. You know, of all the people, I thought you would be the one that understands. Everybody needs a second chance.
:'''Jack''': I'm not a priest anymore, Ryan. It's not my job to absolve you.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Erica''': If we are going to defeat the V's, we need to change tactics. Eli died at the hands of the Visitors because his plan didn't work. We are going to bring this war to Anna. I have contacts on her ship, access that you don't have that you will never have.

===''Uneasy Lies the Head'' [2.08]===

===''Devil in a Blue Dress'' [2.09]===
:'''Lisa''': Why did you do that, Joshua? Why didn't you let him catch me?
:'''Joshua''': Because I remembered.
:'''Lisa''': Remember what?
:'''Joshua''': Who I am. That I'm Fifth Column... like you.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Lisa''': I saw my mother bliss Tyler.
:'''Diana''': If Anna can bliss humans, they stand no chance against her. Your human friends - you said that you can trust them. Are you sure?
:'''Lisa''': Yes.
:'''Diana''': Good. Because, we're going to need their help too. You must act now.
:'''Lisa''': What are we going to do?
:'''Diana''': We must end your mother's reign, once and for all.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Lisa''': This is my grandmother Diana.
:'''Diana''': I was queen before Anna overthrew me.
:'''Erica''': Diana's gonna help make sure that history repeats itself. We're gonna overthrow Anna.

===''Mother's Day'' [2.10]===
:'''Hobbes''': What, another nightmare about the Visitors?
:'''Erice''': Yeah. And what the future will look like when Anna is gone.
:'''Hobbes''': Well, let's take the bitch down and find out.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Diana''': Daughter...
:'''Anna''': You taught me everything you know, and you never learned half of what *I* know.
:'''Diana''': You've just... doomed us all.
:'''Anna''': [to Lisa] Now *that's* how you kill your mother.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Anna''': You've certainly looked better, dear. Welcome to your new home. Thankfully, your Grandmother won't be needing it any more.
:'''Lisa''': Why don't you just kill me?
:'''Anna''': I wasn't lying when I said all human emotion is bad. This one's called vengeance. I wanna see you suffer. Enjoy the show.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Marcus''': Attempting to bliss Humanity will surely kill you.
:'''Anna''': Then I will die, but not before I fulfill my promise to my subjects and show them that Humanity cannot... nor *will* not... ever defeat us.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Elizabeth Mitchell|Elizabeth Mitchell]] - Erica Evans 
* [[w:Morris Chestnut|Morris Chestnut]] - Ryan Nichols 
* [[w:Joel Gretsch|Joel Gretsch]] - Father Jack Landry 
* [[w:Logan Huffman|Logan Huffman]] - Tyler Evans 
* [[w:Laura Vandervoort|Laura Vandervoort]] - Lisa 
* [[w:Morena Baccarin|Morena Baccarin]] - Anna 
* [[w:Scott Wolf|Scott Wolf]] - Chad Decker 
* [[w:Christopher Shyer|Christopher Shyer]] - Marcus 
* [[w:Charles Mesure|Charles Mesure]] - Kyle Hobbes 
* [[w:Mark Hildreth|Mark Hildreth]] - Joshua 
* [[w:Roark Critchlow|Roark Critchlow]] - A.D. Paul Kendrick
* [[w:Scott Hylands|Scott Hylands]] - Father Travis 
* [[w:Jane Badler|Jane Badler]] - Diana 

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|1307824|V}}

[[Category:ABC shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:2000s American science fiction TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American science fiction TV shows]]
[[Category:Television series reboots]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Camelot (TV series)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>125762</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147509</id>
      <parentid>2878321</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:13:21Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* External links */ r/m Template:Tv.com show</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="13061" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Camelot (TV series)|Camelot]]''''' (2011) is an American TV show, airing on [[w:Starz (TV channel)|Starz]], about a young commoner, Arthur, who becomes the  heir to the throne of England following the death of King Uther, where he is championed by the wizard Merlin but destined to tangle with his evil half sister, the sorceress Morgan.

== Season 1 ==
=== ''Homecoming'' [1.01] ===

:'''[[w:King Uther|Uther]]''': You will respect your mother.
:'''[[w:Morgan le Fay|Morgan]]''': Step-mother!
:'''[[w:Igraine|Igraine]]''': Why are you here?
:'''Morgan''': I've come home, and I want to offer you forgiveness.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:King Arthur|Arthur]]''': We can't let woman come between us, can we, brother?
:'''[[w:Sir Kay|Kay]]''': Everything comes easy for you. You don't even appreciate it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Morgan''': ''[about the tower]'' Suits you up there. Where will you go?
:'''Igraine''': You'll find I have plenty allies who will give me space. Was there anything else? Or did you just come to gloat?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Merlin|Merlin]]''': The king is dead. Murdered.
:'''Arthur''': So?
:'''Merlin''': Uther died with no legitimate son.
:'''Arthur''': So what's that gotta do with us?
:'''Merlin''': Not them. You... are Uther's son.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Arthur''': King's will...
:'''Merlin''': Signed by his own hand. Bearing his seal, attesting to your birth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pellinor''': Your father was a great leader. Our loyalty passes to you. We stands to your bidding, ready to defend the Pendragon line.
:'''Arthur''': I never knew Uther. But if he inspired such loyalty, I am humbled to stand before you. And I’ll do whatever I can to justify your allegiance.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Arthur''': What was he like? My father.
:'''Merlin''': Unyielding.
:'''Arthur''': That's it? The life of a man and you take ONE WORD?
:'''Merlin''': That's all you need to know.
:'''Arthur''': No, it's not! I want to know everything. What he ate, what he drank, how he stood, who he loved, what made him laugh or weep! And you give me ONE WORD!
:'''Merlin''': Anyone else can tell you his character and contradictions. I gave you the word you most require. The aspect you must take from him. An unyielding strength. Because from now on, everyone will challenge you on everything.

=== ''The Sword And The Crown'' [1.02] ===
:'''Arthur''': &quot;No one's ever done it before. What makes you think I can do it?&quot;
:'''Merlin''': &quot;Because no one's ever needed to do it, as much as you do. This is your moment. Believe in yourself.&quot;

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Merlin''':&quot;Stop pulling at me and start pushing yourself!&quot;

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Merlin''':&quot;In the beginning was the word. And the word spread. And the people came. Now we'll crown you, in front of them.&quot;

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Arthur''':&quot;When I hear of kings, I think of warriors, coming to the throne through slaughter. I am not that person. But I have known loss at the hands of those men. I'm something new. Standing here before you, I realize that. I know I carry your hope in me. And I will establish, here at Camelot, a new way of ruling, for you, the people!&quot;

=== ''Guinevere'' [1.03] ===
:'''Igraine''': &quot;Do you love him?&quot;
:'''Guinevere''': &quot;I'm not sure I even know what that word means.&quot;
:'''Igraine''': &quot;That's all right. I was the same. But, you know, with a little luck, in time, you might fall in love with him. And if you don't, before you know it,he'll give you children, and then you'll love them.&quot;

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Merlin''': &quot;The wounded deer jumps highest, strives the hardest.&quot;

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Morgan''': &quot;I'm not the one tied up here, am I?&quot;
:'''Merlin''': &quot;You think I can't free myself?&quot;
:'''Morgan''': &quot;Then do it.&quot;
:'''Merlin''': &quot;Oh, no, no, no, no. I don't perform tricks.&quot;
:'''Morgan''': &quot;Because you can't.&quot;
:'''Merlin''': &quot;Because I'm strong enough to choose not to.&quot;

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gawain''': &quot;You're very good. Who taught you?&quot;
:'''Kay''': &quot;My father. What about you?&quot;
:'''Gawain''': &quot;Teaching myself.&quot;
:'''Kay''': &quot;That's quite a task. So why bother?&quot;
:'''Gawain''': &quot;To be better.&quot;

=== ''Lady of the Lake'' [1.04] ===
:'''Igraine''': &quot;But now that you are married, of course, you'll be coveted more than ever.&quot;
:'''Guinevere''': &quot;What do you mean?&quot;
:'''Igraine''': &quot;Well, the most enticing aspect for any man is the forbidden. But you'll just have to forego the looks from men other than your husband. For to pay them any heed is really... Well, it's the worst thing that any woman could do.&quot;

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Sybil''': Tell me honestly. Since you left us, have you performed the Summoning? Did you ask for anything?
:'''Morgan''': Yes.
:'''Sybil''': Oh, my child... How could you be so reckless?
:'''Morgan''': What's happening to me?
:'''Sybil''': I told you a long time ago. Your arrogance will be your downfall. I have one thing left to teach you.
:'''Morgan''': I don't need you! I have nothing left to learn!
:'''Sybil''': You do. You must learn to die.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gawin''':&quot;Some other rules of combat: remove your emotions; keep calm; attempt to draw your opponent into battle using their anger. That way they're easily frustrated.&quot;

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Arthur''': &quot;I've read about many battles, about the great strategists. But what I don't understand is this: how do I know when it's time to give up? When do I acknowledge the better man's victory?&quot;
:'''Gawain''': &quot;See, the warrior would never do that. He'd fight to the death for something he believed in. Of course, at the lowest moment, you have one opportunity.&quot;
:'''Arthur''': &quot;And what's that?&quot;
:'''Gawain''': &quot;When you have nothing to lose,that's the time to risk everything.&quot;

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Merlin''':&quot;I rode many miles until I came to a lake. And everywhere there was a mist. I had to stop. And when I did. out of the mist, a woman called to me, like a siren. From within the lake, she stretched out her arm, this sword, clutching it. I took the sword and thanked her. She smiled and slipped back into the water. And as she did she said, &quot;This is the sword of King Arthur. This is Excalibur.&quot;

=== ''Justice'' [1.05] ===
:'''Sybil''': Nobody knows you, Morgan. They all know of Arthur, but not you.
:'''Morgan''': They know. I'm Uther's daughter.
:'''Sybil''': Uther's daughter, Arthur's sister. You can't be defined by others. People need to know you for yourself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sybil''': I traveled here across the sea. I listened to the talk. Nobody talks of you. Some talk of Arthur, but most talk about their fear. They don’t recognize their country anymore, and it frightens them. There is nothing more powerful than fear. You remember what it’s like to be frightened. When someone comes, takes that fear away, how you love them for it, how you worship them... So you will make new friends. And then all the talk would be of a Lady Morgan. How she understands the suffering of the people, how she is there friend, and how she have robbed of her legitimate claim of the crown.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igraine''': Merlin, you're not making any sense.
:'''Merlin''': Wizards don't need to.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Arthur''': It's not blood that ties you together, it's the memories you share. Everything you taught her, everything you gave up for her, that's your love, that's what flows through her. Tell her and you'll see how much she loves you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ewan''': I can go anywhere. I can start again. You can't stop me.
:'''King Arthur''': Move, and we'll find you. Run, and we'll hunt you. Wherever you are, Camelot will be your shadow.

=== ''Three Journeys'' [1.06] ===
:'''Kay''': Can't you help him?
:'''Merlin''': Can't you?
:'''Kay''': You have powers, don't you?
:'''Merlin''': What exactly do you think I'm capable of?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Arthur''': How was your swim? Was the water cold?
:'''Guinevere'''': Freezing. But I have to swim.
:'''Arthur''': Why?
:'''Guinevere''': To forget myself. To lose the world for a moment.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Merlin''': The cost would kill me.
:'''Kay''': What sort of cost?
:'''Merlin''': On the body. The soul. And those around me. It's an addiction. One which I deny myself every waking hour.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Arthur''': We all have our own ideas of what death might be. For all we know, death could be the greatest good that could happen to us. [[Cicero]] said, &quot;The life of the dead is placed in the memories of the living&quot;. The love we feel in life keeps people alive beyond their time. There isn't a day my parents aren't with me. In my memories, and in who I am. Anyone who has given love will always live on in another's heart.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Merlin''': Did I hear of plans to rebuild the roof?
:'''Arthur''': No, I've changed my mind. That roof must never be sealed. Never built over. If we look up and see the sky, we'll never forget who we're serving. Never be disconnected from the world outside.

=== ''The Long Night'' [1.07] ===
:'''Igraine''': Right now, they are full of planning and action. But soon, they will stop and think. And that's when they will come to us. To remind themselves of why they will fight. And if we doubt them, then they will doubt themselves, and the battle will be lost.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Guinevere''': So it's just you here, alone in this castle.
:'''Morgan''': I don't feel alone.
:'''Guinevere''': Do you not think about taking a husband?
:'''Morgan''': I've thought about it. What would I gain from it?
:'''Guinevere''': Love. Isn't that what everyone wants?
:'''Morgan''': Isn't it a burden to hold another's heart in your hands?
:'''Guinevere''': It's a privilege.
:'''Morgan''': What if you damage it?
:'''Guinevere''': Well, you mustn't. That's the trust.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sybil''': Your faith comforts you?
:'''Leontes''': It does.
:'''Sybil''': A good thing on a night like this, when doubts assail us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Merlin''': You wanna get inside my head? See what I see? Hmm? 
:'''Igraine''': Yes!
:'''Merlin''': You think knowledge is power. Knowledge is pain. Do you want this?
:'''Igraine''': Share your burden.
:'''Merlin''': Morgan killed Uther. Poisoned him. He rejected her.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leontes''': Morgan's men have claimed a famous victory.
:'''Merlin''': Her legend grows.
:'''Leontes''': You doubt her?
:'''Arthur''': He doubts everyone. It's his way.
:'''Gawain''': Keep up the whole inscrutable man of magic thing.

=== ''Igraine'' [1.08] ===
	
=== ''The Battle of Bardon Pass'' [1.09] ===
:'''Morgan''': Camelot is in its death throes. Once its lies are exposed, it will quickly decay, and people will look around in fear and panic. And I will be there to pick them up. They will need me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leontes''': If I hadn't have asked you, would you have told me?
:'''Guinevere''': I'd rather lie, and live with my guilt than ever hurt you.
:'''Leontes''': And I would rather you do anything than lie to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Morgan''': The people are with me, sorcerer.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Merlin''': Camelot isn't built on magic, but on people, on their faith. I have this belief they'll see through your ploys.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Arthur''': No, this isn't the same.
:'''Kay''': It is! Because you never change! You're not a worthy king. You're not even a worthy brother. At least we were never linked by blood.

=== ''Reckoning'' [1.10] ===
:'''Arthur''': One rumour of my death, and you proclaim a new leader! A king could get offended.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Arthur''': If she takes the crown, I'll tell you what you get. Fear! That's what she instills in everyone. Fear is so much stronger than hope. But it will never win.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Arthur''': Those we hold in our hearts, we never say goodbye to.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Arthur''': This seat belongs to Leontes. It remains empty until a champion as true and a man as honourable joins us.
:'''Kay''': It'll remain cold for all time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Merlin''': Let me go, Arthur.
:'''Arthur''': If it was the other way around, you wouldn't let me go.
:'''Merlin''': Maybe you're stronger than me. And maybe that's what I didn't know.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Jamie Campbell Bower|Jamie Campbell Bower]] - [[King Arthur]]
* [[w:Eva Green|Eva Green]] - [[w:Morgan le Fay|Morgan]]
* [[w:Joseph Fiennes|Joseph Fiennes]] - [[Merlin]] 
* [[w:Tamsin Egerton|Tamsin Egerton]] - [[w:Guinevere|Guinevere]]
* [[w:Peter Mooney|Peter Mooney]] - [[w:Sir Kay|Kay]] 
* [[w:Claire Forlani|Claire Forlani]] - [[w:Igraine|Igraine]] 
* [[w:Philip Winchester|Philip Winchester]] - Leontes 
* [[w:Clive Standen|Clive Standen]] - [[w:Gawain|Gawain]]
* [[w:Chipo Chung|Chipo Chung]] - Vivian

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} 
* {{imdb title|1672189|Camelot}}
* [http://www.starz.com/originals/Camelot Official site]

[[Category:Starz shows]]
[[Category:American action TV shows]]
[[Category:American adventure TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American drama TV shows]]
[[Category:American fantasy TV shows]]
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    <title>Martyrdom</title>
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      <text bytes="8847" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Albrecht Dürer - Marter der zehntausend Christen (Yorck Project).jpg|thumb|[[Albrecht Dürer]] (1508)]]
[[File:Jean-Léon Gérôme - The Christian Martyrs' Last Prayer - Walters 37113.jpg|thumb|right|''The Christian Martyrs' Last Prayer'', by Jean-Léon Gérôme (1883).]]
[[File:Delaroche, Paul - A Christian Martyr Drowned in the Tiber During the Reign of Diocletian - 1855.jpg|thumb|''The Young Martyr'', by Paul Delaroche (1855).]]

'''[[w:Martyr|Martyrdom]]''' is death for refusing to renounce a belief, principle or cause.

==Quotes==
*MARTYR, n. One who moves along the line of least reluctance to a desired death.
** [[Ambrose Bierce]], ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911).

* &quot;There is often greater martyrdom to live for the love of, whether man or an ideal, than to die&quot; is a motto of the [[w:Mahātmā|Mahatmas]]. 
**Helena Blavatsky, [http://www.katinkahesselink.net/blavatsky/articles/v4/y1883_092.htm ''Collected Writings,'' vol. IV, p. 603 (October 1889)]

* Nothing, indeed, can be more deserving of our admiration than the conduct of the Christian martyrs, who cheerfully submitted to an ignominious death, inflicted by the most atrocious torments, rather than deny their faith even by the mere performance of an apparently insignificant rite of Paganism.
** [[John Calvin]], ''[[w:Institutes of the Christian Religion|Institutes of the Christian Religion]]''

* “The total disregard of truth and probability in the representation of the primitive martyrdoms was occasioned by a very natural mistake. The ecclesiastical writers of the fourth and fifth centuries ascribe to the magistrates of Rome the same degree of implacable and unrelenting zeal which filled their own breasts against the heretics and idolaters of their own times.... The learned Origen, who, from his experience as well as readings, was intimately acquainted with the history of the Christians, declares, in the most express terms, that the number of martyrs was very inconsiderable. His authority would alone be sufficient to annihilate that formidable army of martyrs, whose relics, drawn for the most part from the catacombs of Rome, have replenished so many churches, and whose achievements have been the subject of so many volumes of holy romances....” 
**Edward Gibbon, in The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire

*Martyrs have been the stock-in-trade of prophetic creeds down the ages. Long before the prophet of Islam was born, the annalists of Judaism and Christianity had perfected the art of making the agressor look like the victim of aggression, and vice versa. The Bible was the master-piece produced by this art. The biographers of the Prophet had only to borrow the art and practise it in the new context. 
**Goel, S. R. (1993). Hindu temples: What happened to them. Vol. II

* The martyrs go hand in hand into the arena; they are crucified alone.
** [[Aldous Huxley]], ''The Doors of Perception'' (1954). p. 12.

* The tyrant dies and his rule is over; the martyr dies and his rule begins.
**[[Søren Kierkegaard]], ''Journals'', 1848.

*The most zealous among them saw it as their solemn duty to make a public display of their faith even if it meant arrest, torture and death … A few of the Soldiers of Christ actively sought martyrdom by charging into the shrines and temples of the pagans, smashing the statuary, and overturning the altars, as they were instructed to do by their own scriptures: 'You shall break down their altars, and dash in pieces their pillars, for the Lord is a jealous God.' .... Indeed, the spectacle of men and women who went willingly and even ardently to their deaths – and, long afterward, the memory of these martyrdoms and the relics of the martyrs themselves – only stirred the fires of true belief and inspired ever greater acts of zealotry. Sometimes the pagan magistrates literally begged the Christians to make some gesture of compromise in order to save their own lives. 
**Kirsch, Jonathan. God Against the Gods. New York: Viking Compass, 2004. quoted in     Malhotra, R., &amp; Infinity Foundation (Princeton, N.J.). (2018). Being different: An Indian challenge to western universalism.

* Either one defines “personality” and “individuality” in terms of their possibilities within the established form of civilization, in which case their realization is for the vast majority tantamount to successful [[Adjustment (psychology)|adjustment]]. Or one defines them in terms of their transcending content, including their socially denied potentialities beyond (and beneath) their actual existence; in this case, their realization would imply transgression, beyond the established form of civilization, to radically new modes of “personality” and “individuality” incompatible with the prevailing ones. Today, this would mean “curing” the patient to become a rebel or (which is saying the same thing) a martyr.
** [[Herbert Marcuse]], “Critique of Neo-Freudian Revisionism,” ''Eros and Civilization'' (1955)

* Ideas grow quickly when watered with the blood of martyrs.
** [[Giuseppe Mazzini]], as attributed in ''The Cambridge Modern History'' (1907), ed. Adolphus William Ward ''et al.'', Vol. 10, p. 122.

* I do not think life will change for the better without an assault on the establishment, which goes on exploiting the wretched of the earth. This belief lies at the heart of the concept of revolutionary suicide. Thus it is better to oppose the forces that would drive me to self-murder than to endure them. Although I risk the likelihood of death, there is at least the possibility, if not the probability, of changing intolerable conditions.
** [[Huey P. Newton]], ''[[w:Revolutionary Suicide|Revolutionary Suicide]]'' (1973), p. 3

* When a heretic wishes to avoid martyrdom he speaks of “Orthodoxy, True and False” and demonstrates that the True is his heresy.
** [[George Bernard Shaw]], ''Maxims for Revolutionists'', #172.

* The Sheikh has departed, may God have mercy on him, to his God as a martyr and we must continue on his path of jihad to expell the invaders from the land of Muslims and to purify it from injustice. Today, and thanks to God, America is not facing an individual or a group, but a rebelling nation, which has awoken from its sleep in a jihadist renaissance.
** Al-Zawahiri {{cite web|url= http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-13696051|title= Al-Qaeda posts fresh warning from al-Zawahiri to US|accessdate= June 20, 2011|date= June 8, 2011|publisher= BBC News}}

===''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations''===
:&lt;small&gt;Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 495.&lt;/small&gt;

* For a tear is an intellectual thing;&lt;br&gt;And a sigh is the sword of an angel-king;&lt;br&gt;And the bitter groan of a martyr's woe&lt;br&gt;Is an arrow from the Almighty's bow.
** [[William Blake]], ''The Grey Monk''.

* The noble army of martyrs.
** ''Book of Common Prayer'', ''Te Deum Laudamus''.

* ''Strangulatus pro republica.''
** Tortured for the Republic.
** [[James A. Garfield]], last words; written as he was dying (July 17, 1882).

* Who falls for love of God, shall rise a star.
** [[Ben Jonson]], ''Underwoods'', ''An Epistle to a Friend''.

* He strove among God's suffering poor&lt;br&gt;  One gleam of brotherhood to send;&lt;br&gt;The dungeon oped its hungry door&lt;br&gt;To give the truth one martyr more,&lt;br&gt;  Then shut,—and here behold the end!
** [[James Russell Lowell]], ''On the Death of C. T. Torrey''.

* Martyrs! who left for our reaping&lt;br&gt;  Truths you had sown in your blood—&lt;br&gt;Sinners! whom long years of weeping&lt;br&gt;  Chasten'd from evil to good.
** [[Thomas Moore]], ''Where is Your Dwelling, Ye Sainted?''

* It is the cause, and not the death, that makes the martyr.
** [[Napoleon I]].

* His wife and children, being eleven in number, ten able to walk, and one sucking on her breast, met him by the way as he went towards Smithfield: this sorrowful sight of his own flesh and blood, dear as they were to him, could yet nothing move him, but that he constantly and cheerfully took his death with wonderful patience, in the defence and support of Christ's Gospel.
** ''Martyrdom of John Rogers''. See Richmond's ''Selection from the Writings of the Reformers and Early Protestant Divines of the Church of England''.

* Like a pale martyr in his shirt of fire.
** [[Alexander Smith]], ''A Life Drama'', scene 2, line 225.

==See also==
* [[Martyrdom in Islam]]
* [[Sacrifice]]

==External links==
* [https://www.bartleby.com/210/ The Lives of the Fathers, Martyrs, and Other Principal Saints Compiled from Original Monuments and Authentic Records In Twelve Volumes], Rev. Alban Butler
{{wikipedia}}
{{wiktionary|martyrdom}}

[[Category:Martyrdom]]

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    <title>Crime Story (TV series)</title>
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'''''[[w:Crime Story (TV series)|Crime Story]]''''' (1986–1988) was an American TV series, airing on [[w:NBC|NBC]], in which Lt. Mike Torrello heads up Chicago's Major Crime Unit (MCU), leading their chase for Ray Luca, a young hood about to make his mark on the underworld.

{{tv-stub}}
== Season 1 ==
=== ''Pilot (1)'' [1.01] ===

:'''Torello''': ''[about the blood-spattered crime scene]'' Looks like a [[w:Jackson Pollock|Jackson Pollock]].
:'''Grossman''': Pollock?
:'''Torello''': He's an artist. Used to paint stuff like this.
:'''Grossman''': Yeah? Well, he's got a sick mind.

=== ''Pilot (2)'' [1.02] ===

=== ''Final Transmission'' [1.03] ===

=== ''Shadow Dancer'' [1.04] ===

=== ''The Saint Louis Book of Blues'' [1.05] ===

=== ''The War'' [1.06] ===

=== ''Abrams for the Defense'' [1.07] === 

=== ''Pursuit of a Wanted Felon'' [1.08] ===

:'''Steadman''': Who are you? Who do you work for?
:'''Luca''': Let's look at it this way, Mr. Steadman. There's an angel perched on your shoulder. We're looking after you, that's all.
:'''Steadman''': Look, I was part of building this union. I stood on picket lines, I froze, I fought scabs--and dozens of punks like you. This union works for its membership. You got something to take up with it? You pay your dues, you do the job. And it's not for sale to no lowlifes. And I don't need anybody looking after me. Now you get out of here before you are carried out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Torello''': ''[to hotel clerk]'' Now, listen. My wife and I are here to have a nice vacation. Either you accommodate us, or I'm going to knock you into the middle of next Wednesday.

=== ''Old Friends, Dead Ends'' [1.09] ===

'''Mike Torello''': You can go out on dates with my wife, you can sit on my couch, but you - ''you'' are not gonna watch my TV!

=== ''Justice Hits the Skids'' [1.10] ===

=== ''For Love or Money'' [1.11] ===

:'''Walter''': This is the law that prevails all over the land! You're all under arrest!

=== ''Crime Pays'' [1.12] ===

=== ''Hide and Go Thief'' [1.13] ===

=== ''Strange Bedfellows'' [1.14] ===

=== ''Fatal Crossroads (aka Fortune in Men's Eyes)'' [1.15] ===

:[''after his father is killed by a car bomb'']
:'''David Abrams''': Dad!  Dad!  POP!  Oh my God!  My God!  No!  No!  NO!  NO!

=== ''Torello on Trial'' [1.16] ===

=== ''The Kingdom of Money'' [1.17] ===

=== ''The Battle of Las Vegas'' [1.18] ===

=== ''The Survivor'' [1.19] ===

=== ''The Pinnacle'' [1.20] ===

=== ''Top of the World (aka The King in a Cage)'' [1.21] ===

=== ''Ground Zero'' [1.22] === 

== Cast ==
* [[w:Dennis Farina|Dennis Farina]] - Lt. Mike Torello
* [[w:Anthony Denison|Anthony Denison]] - Ray Luca
* John Santucci - Pauli Taglia
* [[w:Stephen Lang (actor)|Stephen Lang]] - David Abrams
* [[w:Bill Smitrovich|Bill Smitrovich]] - Sgt. Danny Krychek
* [[w:Bill Campbell|Bill Campbell]] - Det. Joey Indelli
* [[w:Paul Butler|Paul Butler]] - Det. Walter Clemmons
* [[w:Steve Ryan|Steve Ryan]] - Det. Nate Grossman
* [[w:Ted Levine|Ted Levine]] - Frank Holman
* [[Andrew Dice Clay]] - Max Goldman
* [[w:Jon Polito|Jon Polito]] - Phil Bartoli
* [[w:Joseph Wiseman|Joseph Wiseman]] - Manny Weisbord
* [[w:Darlanne Fluegel|Darlanne Fluegel]] - Julie Torello 
* [[w:Jay O. Sanders|Jay O. Sanders]] - Steven Kordo

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} 
* {{imdb title|0090410|Crime Story}}

[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Crime TV shows]]
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    <title>Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1</title>
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----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 1)|1]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 2)|2]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 3)|3]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 4)|4]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 5)|5]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 6)|6]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 7)|7]] | [[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1]] | [[Aqua Something You Know Whatever]] | [[Aqua TV Show Show]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force|'''Main''']]
----
&lt;br&gt;
:''They're back on the beat to make crime disappear!''
:Meatwad! ''Beefy disguises from ground-up steer!''
:Frylock! ''A Sherlock Holmes with laser beam eyes!''
:Master Shake! ''Unprivate dick!''

'''''[[w:Aqua Teen Hunger Force|Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]''''', (also known by various [[w:Aqua Teen Hunger Force#Alternative titles|alternative titles]]), (2000–15) is an [[w:animated series|animated television series]] from the [[w:Cartoon Network|Cartoon Network]]'s [[w:Adult Swim|Adult Swim]] programming block.  The show follows the exploits of three [[w:anthropomorphic|anthropomorphic]] fast food items: [[w:Master Shake|Master Shake]], the milkshake; [[w:Frylock|Frylock]], the carton of French fries; and [[w:Meatwad|Meatwad]], the aptly named wad of meat.

===[[w:Allen (Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1)|Allen Part One]]===
:''[Dr. Weird's Favorite Restaurant, Jersey Shore]''
:'''Dr. Weird:''' BEHOLD!  There is an adhesive bandage in my 'nana pudding!  I ''demand'' that it be ''REMOOOVED!'' ''[Restaurant waitress walks over and removes it]'' Thank you.
:'''Steve:''' Uhh, you know, you could probably get it for free now.
:''[pause]''
:'''Dr. Weird:''' Woman!  Bring back the bandage!  I want it...FOR FREEEE! ''[woman throws the bandage onto Dr. Weirds helmet]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[during a night watch]''
:''[Master Shake, Frylock and Meatwad are in the danger cart looking at a abandoned house and shake is using a paper towel stick as a telescope]''
:'''Master Shake:''' How we looking? What's it look like? What's going on in there? Meatwad, I'm going to need you to give me a visual on the building.
:'''Meatwad:''' [Meatwad pulls out a little movie flipper and goes through the slides] Well, Princess riding a dinosaur over the rainbow and magic candy kingdom. They been doing that a lot lately. Something's up.
:'''Master Shake:''' Frylock, you're burned.  You're out.  
:'''Frylock:''' Fine, I was gonna leave anyways 'cause this is boring man!
:'''Master Shake:''' Fine!  This isn't the first case I've had to crack by myself!  Just tell us what exactly we're supposed to do, and then don't let the door hit your VCR on the way out!
:''[flashback of the Aqua Teen Hunger Force Movie, of Dr. Weird accessing a VCR embedded behind Frylock's diamond back]''
:'''Frylock:''' Ah ah ah, that was the old show.  
:'''Master Shake:''' Yeah, I know.  This is the new show, where we're detectives, and you're no longer a part of it.  So am-scray! ...Utt-face!  Have fun getting soft!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Meatwad:''' ''[awoken by the beeping of a construction vehicle driven by a black construction worker]'' Shake, wake up!  Wake up!
:'''Shake:''' (Yawns)
:'''Meatwad:''' We got action at three...o' clock.  Six o clock?  Is the little hand the minute hand?
:'''Shake:''' Ah!  So That's what he drives to visit his mistress!  ''[construction worker drives into the wall of the old house they were watching]'' Another piece of the puzzle falls into place! ''[puffs a bubble-pipe]''
:'''Meatwad:''' But why would he do that to his own house, Shake?
:'''Shake:''' Oh that's an insurance scam.  Or he's trying to hide the evidence!  We're going undercover! ''[Shake approaches the Construction worker, poorly dressed as a Frenchman]''  Oui-oui!  Oh-ho-ha!  Bonjour! I am your new neighbor!  I just uh move- how you say, move in!  And you must be...
:'''Construction Worker:''' Tearing this house down.
:'''Shake:''' Ah-hah-hah, to hide evidence, maybe, ah?  Porce-bill, insurance scam!  ''[silence]''  No no, it is cool!  You can tell me, Jacque! Everyone tells Jacque!  
:'''Construction Worker:''' It's been vacant for ten years.
:'''Shake:''' Ah, so that's your story!  So maybe you can tell me...why you're having an affair in there!  Ho-ho!  ''[to Meatwad]'' Cuff him!
:'''Meatwad:''' ''[holding his disc image toy]'' Hey Shake, I don't think this is the right house,  or even the right dinosaur.
:'''Shake:''' Then why is our guy here?
:'''Meatwad:''' Well cause, cause hes been sent by the city, and tear this empty house down.
:'''Shake:''' And why is he large and black?  The guy we're looking for is small and white!
:'''Construction Worker:''' You all need to clear on out of here!  I got work to do.
:'''Shake:''' All right, Chuck, I'm gonna ask you once!  ''[tears fake moustache off]'' Maybe you can tell me what kind of back room operation you had to have to look like that!  Huh?!
:''[silence, and cutscene to Shake badly beaten and bruised ina  hospital]''
:'''Shake:''' Did you see how close I was to nailing that guy?

===[[w:Allen (Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1)|Allen Part Two]]===
:''[Mr. Beefy is inviting Shake to rent his house, two kids run off with some pipes]''
:'''Mr. Beefy:''' Hey!  Those are my pipes!
:'''Kid:''' Suck it, old man!
:'''Mr. Beefy:''' Now you kids enjoy those pipes and be good and have a good day!
:''[lightning strikes the two kids running off, and vaporizes them]''
:'''Shake:''' What's up with all this lightning....inside?!
:'''Mr. Beefy:''' I didn't see any lightning.  So what do you say?  Make a bed out of these pith helmets?
:'''Shake:''' Nah, I'm not into that.  
:'''Mr. Beefy:''' Come on, it's free!  EVERYTHING'S FUCKING FREE NOW THAT WE'RE ON THE FUCKING HONOR SYSTEM!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gangster 1:''' You a cry baby?  
:'''Shake:''' ''[sobbing]'' I'm not!
:'''Gangster 1:''' Now look man, I'll give you something to cry about!
:'''Shake:''' No please, I'm fine!
:'''Gangster 1:''' Cry about famine, that's something to cry about!  So is war, man!
:''[Shake tries to run away]''
:'''Gangster 2:''' Hold up, hold up, where are you going? 
:'''Shake:''' No where!  No where, home!  I'm just-
:'''Gangster 2:''' You look lost!
:'''Gangster 1:''' What you need, directions?  Because I got a GPS.  Easy, bro!  Just give me two seconds.
:'''Gangster 2:''' Just tell us where you live at!
:'''Shake:''' No I'm fine!
:'''Gangster 1:''' All right then.  You be good man, and have a good day.
:'''Shake:''' You don't want to stab me?  Just a little bit?
:'''Gangster 2:''' ''[draws a pocket knife]'' Come on man, let's do him!  He practically begging us to do him!
:'''Shake:''' No no, I just said stab, I- no no no...
:'''Gangster 2:''' That's the cue!
:'''Gangster 1:''' You know what'll happen, Brian.
:'''Gangster 2:''' I've been having a good day, for nine frickin years!  You hear me Allen?!  You hear me- ''[gets vaporized]''
:'''Gangster 1:''' Oh, damn!  ''[to Shake]'' Well uh...y'all be good and have a good day!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Shake''': Let me guess. Allen, right?
:'''Allen''': Well, Alien. But they fucked it up on the sign.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[in Allen's headquarters, surrounded by monitors]''
:'''Allen:''' I trust you're being good and having a good day?
:'''Shake:''' What is all this?  What are you doing up here?
:'''Allen:''' These monitors track and display all bad deeds around the Earth, and if I see something bad, ''[presses a button and destroys a very obese Carl on a monitor]'' I destroy it, so the Earth can be good.
:'''Shake:''' But when you destroy the stuff...that's bad, right?
:''[silence]''
:'''Allen:''' Shut up.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Shake:''' You know, you really don't know what you have, until it leaves, because you chased it around with a ball-peen hammer.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Allen:''' You are the meanest person on the planet!  A real A-hol!  Underlined and bold!
:'''Shake:''' ''[flipping the bird]'' Well, fuck you too and the ship you rode in on!
:'''Allen:''' I imagine you've seen the lasers.  ''[prepares to vaporize Shake]''  Would I  be correct?
:'''Shake:''' So what?  ''[makes noise]'' I've got on my force-field.
:''[silence]''
:'''Allen:''' ''[stores away the lasers]'' Damn.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Frylock:''' Allen, you can suck my fry dick, you son of a bitch! Kiss my balls, lick the juice from my asshole! You fucking, fuck fuckface! You fat bastard! You hear me, bitch? Huh? Come on down here, you sucking, fuck-suck, gayass motherfucker!
:'''Meatwad:''' Dang, man.

===The Intervention===
:''[Carl's been pulled over]''
:'''Officer:''' You know how fast you were going?
:'''Carl:''' ''(drunk)'' Oh, yeah.  Why, what's y- your gun say?  I clocked it at 136.
:'''Officer:''' In a 25.  In a school zone.
:'''Carl:''' Ah, don't get your panties in a wad, there ain't no kids out at this hour.
:'''Officer:''' How many drinks have you had tonight?
:'''Carl:''' Ehhh, maybe like two or three, so you know, I'm good.  ''[drinks from a can of beer]''  I mean, I've been drinking water for like an hour.  ''[finishes the beer]''
:'''Officer:''' How about that one?
:'''Carl:''' Alright, fine!  18.  You feel like a big man, now, pig? Huh? Maybe you had a real job, you could afford to party like me, instead of trying to uh, set a trap to meet your quota!
:''[Officer notices a sleeping woman in Carl's car]''
:'''Officer:''' Is that woman dead?
:'''Carl:''' Ohhh man, I hope not.  Let me check.  ''[slaps her face three times, which makes her snore]''  No.  She's not.  Thank God.  That's- I- I will say this.  She's gonna be confused when she wakes up.  Right?  ''[laughs]'' Punch in the fist!  What's that thing you just pulled out of your-  ''[Officer shoots a taser at his eye]'' AHHHH!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Carl's out of confinement with a black eye]''
:'''Carl:''' No, I was! I was polite! I was like: yes sir, no sir, get off my ass, sir.
:'''Frylock:''' Oh, that's wonderful, Carl, but guess what? This bail's gonna ''bust'' me, man!
:'''Carl:''' Just post it up, get my keys and I can drive us back home.
:'''Officer:''' You ain't driving anywhere for a long time.
:'''Carl:''' Look, I ain't had a DUI in over four months, Y- YOU GOTTA RESPECT THAT!
:'''Frylock:''' Carl, let it go.
:'''Carl:''' NO! This pig is messing with me! Ain'tcha piggy, eh?! Oinkoinkoinkoinkoink!
:'''Officer:''' Oh, you like it here, huh?!
:'''Frylock:''' Don't listen to him, officer.
:'''Carl:''' You can't keep me off the road, 'cause I pay for them roads!
:'''Officer:''' Get him on out of here!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Frylock''': I'm worried about Carl.
:'''Master Shake''': Nah, you're not worried about him. You're worried about flying him everywhere.
:'''Frylock''': Oh! Shhh, shhh! [whispering] Turn off the lights!
:''[Carl runs into the Aqua Teen's house. Frylock is hiding behind the spool]
:'''Carl''': Hey, gang! Who's ready to go on a trip? I see ya over there behind the spool.
:'''Frylock''': No, Carl.
:'''Carl''': ''[desperate]'' Aw come on, it's 2.3 miles to Melon Shakers! ''I can't walk that far!''
:'''Frylock''': And then I'll wait there for three hours, 'cause you won't pay my cover to get in, while you get your rocks off in the champagne room!
:'''Carl''': Come on, it takes time. I'm a little desensitized from... years of doing it.
:'''Frylock''': You know what, Carl? I am ''sick and tired'' of flying your ass to the gas station to get beer, to the grocery store to get beer, to the whorehouse to get beer.
:'''Carl''': I ain't never made you take me to the laundromat.
:'''Master Shake''': That's 'cause you don't wash your clothes.
:'''Carl''': Eh, yeah, that's a pretty good point. ''[smells his armpit]'' Touche.
:'''Frylock''': Look, Carl, maybe you need to take a good look at your life.
:'''Carl''': I look at my life every day... and I ''pop a '''boner'''.'' So I ain't here to talk to ''you.''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Carl:'''  ''[drunk and collapsed on the parking lot]'' Blow into the tube and start the car!
:'''Meatwad:''' I ain't driving no car.
:'''Carl:''' You ain't gotta drive it-I'm-I'll-I'm driving, I'm the driver.  I just gotta- You just gotta start it.  And then you gotta pull me up-pull me in.  Then we're good-I'm driving.  ''{meatwad blows into the tube]'' Hurry.  I'm urinating on myself.
:'''Meatwad:''' ''[car fails to start]'' It ain't starting.
:'''Carl:''' Why ain't it starting?
:'''Meatwad:''' Probably 'cause, I had five gin and tonics, and a cubra libre!
:'''Carl:''' I told you not to drink!  I should not have bought you them drinks...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Shake:''' Carl, we love you.  And I for one, do not like to see you destroying yourself like this.  This long slow slide, is frankly, extremely boring to watch!  Why don't you go out in like a blaze of glory!
:'''Frylock:''' Shake...
:'''Shake:''' Light yourself on fire, rob a bank!
:'''Frylock:''' Shake!
:'''Shake:''' Do something at least I can tweet about!  And like make me popular!
:'''Frylock:''' Come on...
:'''Shake:''' But you never think about me, do you?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Frylock:''' Let me ask you something, Carl.  Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior?
:'''Shake:''' Oh not with this!  Can't we just talk about him during Christmas?
:'''Meatwad:''' Is he be the one what bring all the toys in the magic sleigh?
:'''Shake:''' For the last time...yes!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Carl:''' ''[Frylock is showing him personal items that at one point belonged to Jesus]'' Is this his hair?  Wow!  He had Rock  hair.  Just like [[w:James Hetfield|Hetfield]], back when he was [[w:Ride the Lightning|riding the lightning]]!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Frylock:''' ''[Frylock to Rupert]'' Wait a minute! Jesus had a hairdresser?

===Freedom Cobra===
:'''Master Shake:''' Oh hey babe.  ''[woman passes by with no notice]'' Lesbian!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after Shake's dog attacks him]''
:'''Frylock:''' You ain't gonna get laid just because you have a dog!
:'''Shake:''' I know, that's why I brought this Frisbee.  To make us look fun! ''[kicks the dog]''
:'''Frylock:''' Whoa whoa whoa, you definitely ain't gonna get laid kicking a dog in public!
:'''Shake:''' Women respond to control!  And that is what I am exhibiting, to this dog!  Go on, let go of him, Meatwad.
:'''Meatwad:''' ''[holding back the dog]'' All right.
:'''Shake:''' ''[poorly throws the Frisbee]'' Go get it, you dumbass!  ''[[the dog attacks him again]'' Oh no no let go!  Get it off!  Get it off!  ''[Meatwad holds back the dog]'' Why would you let go of a dog like that?!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Tattooed Man:''' Yo, bro.  ''[hands Shake his Frisbee]'' Your disk.
:'''Shake:''' Well aware of what I own, okay?  Cool guy?
:'''Nude Woman:''' Wow, I got nude when I saw your tattoos!
:'''Tattooed Man:''' Right on! Right on!
:'''Nude Woman:''' I'm on the pill!
:'''Tattooed Man:''' What pill?
:''[they engage in intercourse]''
:'''Shake:''' Well you're a lesbian!
:'''Meatwad:''' Well if she's a lesbian, then, what's she doing with that cool tattoo guy?
:'''Shake:''' Because he's obviously a woman, trapped inside a man's impeccably chiseled body.
:'''Meatwad:''' Well now it looks like he's trapped inside that girls body.  Oh, now he's out.  Wait!  Now he's back in again.  Wait, now he's back out!  Now he's back in! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Doctor:''' ''[after Shake's Tattoo Removal]'' It went well...unfortunately, our lasers were no match for Freedom Cobra.

===The Creditor===
:'''Shake:''' He had a look about him.   You know?  Sometimes I think I see him. ''[Creditor in the distance cloaks]''
:'''Therapist:''' Well everyone knows the Creditor has a cloaking device.
:'''Shake:''' I know, I know.  It's probably nothing.
:'''Therapist:''' Well are you behind in your payments?
:'''Shake:''' I haven't made any payments.  I haven't felt like it.
:'''Therapist:''' Sometimes we have to do things that we don't like.
:'''Shake:''' Not you.  You talk to me all the time because you love it!  Everyone just wants a free ride on my lid man.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Shake's Narration:''' I remember.  ''[flashback starts; at a club]''  He was new in town.  I could tell he needed a friend, but then an asylum.
:'''Shake:''' Yeah! I would love to tap that! ''[to the Creditor]'' Hey!  Go buy us some shooters!
:'''Shake's Narration:''' We were ruling it!  And the Creditor, he just never knew when to stop!
:''&quot;Creditor:''' ''[surrounded by prostitutes]'' I have the power of a thousand suns!
:'''Shake's Narration:''' Then he disappeared in the back room with three of them, and when he came  back out, he was real sweaty and nervous.
:'''Creditor:''' Let's get out, we're leaving.
:'''Shake's Narration:''' He was holding her severed heads, and spines.
:'''Shake:''' Oh come on, man!  I'm going first, next time!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Shake's Narration:''' That night, we celebrated our success at hiding the bodies...by going to another club.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Meatwad:''' ''[watching his TV shows]'' Please......Thank you.....''[Creditor Materializes, andreaches into meatwad]s head, and pulls up nothing]''  You looking for bones?  ''[Creditor digs in again]''  'Cause I got no bones in here.  ''[Creditor comes up empty and digs in again, he continuously digs in and comes up empty]'' Why don't you do it again?  ''[Creditor comes up empty]'' What you get?  Nothing.  ''[Creditor digs in again]'' Oops.  ''[Creditor comes up empty and roars in a fury]'' Do it to me again!  It's starting to turn me on sexually.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Creditor:''' ''[after ripping Shake's skull out]'' I am the best hunter in the world, and in all the galaxy!
:'''Therapist:''' Ah yes, but you've  mentioned that in the past, and yet your father, hated hunting.  ''[Creditor prepares to rip out Therapists skull]'' Don't do this, I thought we were past this.  ''[gets skull ripped out]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Creditor Father:''' ''[reading a book]'' ...and he bleached the skulls and spines in an acid bath, and he used the teeth for a meat scraping tool.  Happy Halloween everybody!  Then he collapsed.  The amount of blood and bile was overwhelming.  The end.
:'''Creditor Kids:''' Read it again daddy, read it again!
:'''Creditor Father:''' Now now now, go to sleep, that's all.  ''[one Creditor kid holds up a severed foot]'' Put your feet under the pillow!  For the foot fairy....comes tonight!

===Vampirus===
:'''Master Shake''': This. Is. The life. Rays. Cool Water. No vampires.
:'''Carl''': Yeah, that vampire thing's so friggin' overhyped
:'''Master Shake''': I know
:'''Carl''': Y'know the media sees one horde of crazy vampires devouring the president and we're supposed to think they're everywhere
:'''Master Shake''': I know. Completely living in fear

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frylock''': And that's when I realized that it wasn't his blood at all, but the deodorant that was driving the vampires away. Of course, we've since expanded into garlic toothpaste, mouthwash, cologne, shampoo. All our garlic grooming products have completely eradicated all signs of vampire zombies
:'''Television Host''': Some would argue that you just made the Earth a little easier for a new breed of steak sauce-craving bears to take over
:'''Frylock''': I'm not here to talk about any bears, okay? That's the government's problem. My point is this: I'M RICH AS HELL!
:'''Master Shake''': And you're also a STUCK. UP. ASS. HOLE!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Master Shake''': Guess what! I developed a vaccine too!
:'''Meatwad''': This here's just steak sauce
:'''Master Shake''': I get bored doing science stuff!
:''[Shake and Meatwad go outside]''
:'''Master Shake''': Bring on the creatures of the night...
:'''Meatwad''': The vampires are all dead, man
:'''Master Shake''': ...for I am immune!
:''[Shake pours steak sauce on himself. He looks around and throws the bottle to the ground]''
:'''Master Shake''': It's driving the vampires away!
:'''Meatwad''': I know. 'Cause the vampires are dead
:'''Master Shake''': Right. And I did that just now
:'''Meatwad''': But look over there. A bunch of giant bears
:'''Master Shake''': Yeah, well they're like Mormons. You treat 'em with respect ''[Meatwad retreats inside the house]'' and they'll be your friend for life.
:''[The bears approach Shake]''
:'''Master Shake''': What's up my bear bitches!
:''[The bears prepare to attack]''
:'''Master Shake''': This is the dumbest thing I've ever done!

===Last Dance for Napkin Lad===
:'''Meatwad:''' ''[pointing a gun at Frylock]'' I'll waste him right now, he probably set us up!
:'''Frylock:''' Easy, now! Whoa, whoa, man, I don't know nothing about no skeletons!
:''[dramatic music]''
:'''Master Shake:'''...skeletons?
:'''Meatwad:''' Who said anything about skeletons?
:'''Frylock:''' ''[nervously]'' Uhhhhhhh j-, no! I mean, ain't that what ya'll call them people who be after ya'll?
:'''Master Shake:''' Not in any academy class ''I'' ever took.
:'''Meatwad:''' Skeletons are what comes out your body after you rot in the ground for fifty years...with a slug of lead lodged in ya cranium. ''You think you understand me?''

&lt;hr width:50%&gt;

:'''Carl:''' Well, he's about to take his last freakin' bath. Computer, enter dive mode.
:'''Napkin Lad:''' You can't do that! It's just a prototype, it's never been tested for undersea battle.
:'''Carl:''' Then I guess we're gonna test it then, aren't we, Napkin Lad?
:'''Napkin Lad:''' You're a madman!
:'''Carl:''' ''It's good to be something.''
:''[puts on Chickenfoot]''

===Wi-tri===
:''[Carl is talking to his mom on the phone]''
:'''Carl''': Ma, you're 87 years old, you ain't in no condition to mow the lawn by yourself...Oh, you wanted me to do it? ...It's a living breathing thing. Why do you wanna kill everything that's alive? Start with me, busting my balls like this! ...You still owe me 50 bucks...No, I know the check come in Tuesday, 'cause I called the Medicare office, alright? So I'll be down there in five minutes to pick it up. Don't be hiding it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Master Shake''': You know, you're like the repository where my ideas go to die!

===Jumpy George===
:'''Meatwad''': You want me to do what, now?
:'''Master Shake''': It's a paying gig! ''Now'' you're complaining?! Fine, I'll get somebody else!
:'''Meatwad''': Fine. You do that.
:'''Master Shake''': ...ok fine, you called my bluff. But that is the ''last time'' that will ''ever'' happen, or Santa Claus will burn all your toys.
:'''Meatwad''': You're bluffin'.
:''[Shake stares him down]''
:'''Meatwad''': You ain't bluffin'. Santa Claus will burn my toys!
:'''Master Shake''': What can I do? Far away, in the North Pole, Santa is just ''clicking'' a lighter to his gas-soaked toys.
:'''Meatwad''': C-call the elves! The elves know that- they know- I'VE BEEN GOOD DOWN HERE!
:'''Master Shake''': Not good enough! Not until you make this right with both me and with Father Christmas.
:'''Frylock''': Make what right, Shake?
:'''Master Shake''': ''(pulls out joy buzzer)'' Oh, hey man! Gimme five, up top!
:'''Frylock''': I can see the hand buzzer, man.
:'''Master Shake''': ''(to Meatwad)'' ''You told him, you Judas!!''
:'''Meatwad''': Hey Frylock, I'm babysittin' tonight or Santa Claus gonna burn all my toys down.
:'''Frylock''': Meatwad, Santa Claus would never burn all your toys. Because Santa Claus doesn't exist.
:'''Meatwad''': He what?
:'''Master Shake''': Then how do you explain all the cookies he eats, huh?
:'''Meatwad''': Yeah, how do you explain that?
:'''Frylock''': Well, I...I haven't figured out how the cookies disappear, okay!
:'''Master Shake''': Then don't ''pop off'' about things you don't even know about!
:'''Meatwad''': I thought I was gonna have to call 911.
:'''Master Shake''': And we don't have a phone, do we? Do we, out-of-work scientist?!
 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Carl''': Look, I'm layin' all my cards on the table here. I want us to have an honest relationship right off the bat. I couldn't help but notice that you got kids. How tight are you?
:'''Master Shake''': Carl, that is inappropriate. As is the diarrhea on the back of your shirt
:'''Carl''': I-I must apologize. It was like I sat down on a flamethrower back there, you know? You can relate. ''[To the store clerk]'' And you need to stock your bathroom better! I had to run out here with my pants around my ankles and grab some napkins!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Err''': I'm handicapped, man! 'Cause I'm drunk!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Err''': Man, you told that pig off! And that bitch, and that judge, and that guy at the jail that raped you!
:'''Ignignokt''': They all know where to go and how to eat it now. I have told them where their dinner is and what it is.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''[Carl and Shake's date is unconscious in 2 Wicked's trunk]''
:'''Master Shake''': Wow. This is embarrassing, but... can we borrow $15.92?
:'''Carl''': Well, I got chips too, so w-we need money for those too. But, uh, I'll pay you back later... with my world-famous ''chest massage. (laughs)'' Ya hear me? Wake up.
:'''Master Shake''': Hey, wake up. WAKE UUUUUUUUUUUP! ''(to Carl)'' What'd I tell ya? Poke holes in the trunk!
:'''Carl''': Dig around in her purse, see her for a 20. I mean, those guys is still waiting at the cash register for us.
:'''Master Shake''': ''(dropping flower petals)'' You do it.
:'''Carl''': What the hell is th- what are you doin'?!
:'''Master Shake''': Rose petals! I'm building a little bridge...to FUCKTOWN!
:'''Carl''': Alright, look. ''(sighs)'' I got diarrhea. '''''Bad.''''' So you don't make no seduction moves with MY date while I'm gone, I got my eye on you!

===Lasagna===
:'''Nick''': Oh yeah, yeah, you know, I-I fantasize about, uh, just walkin' in there with a gun and, heh, if he asks me to fax one more thing I will...fax his head to Jesus on the back of a hollow point

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Carl is at Anger Management]''
:'''Carl''': Look, I don't even know why I'm here. I love women. And that's why I pay them 40 dollars to have sex with me for money. And I would never dream of hitting a woman until the second she decides to chomp down on my tongue. Then I star whaling away! I gotta do something to free my face and get ouf of that van.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Shake drops a pan of lasagna in Carl's yard attached to a retractable leash]''
:'''Master Shake''': C'mon fat boy! Look what's cookin'!
:'''Lance''': Scam Wow! That's some serious lasagna!
:'''Carl''': My neighbor, he makes good pasta and every once in a while he leaves some in the yard... to taunt me. But today is the day.
:'''Master Shake''': Hey Carl, good afternoon. I just brought some lasagna for you.
:'''Carl''': Yeah, I can see that. But you didn't deliver it, no. You put it in the middle of my yard.
:'''Master Shake''': Ah, I just thought you'd maybe wanna take a little brisk walk! I mean, there are four kinds of cheese in there.
:'''Carl''': No, no. I know your game, Shake. You left it right in the middle of the yard 'cause you know I'll go after it.
:'''Master Shake''': Don't let it get cold- Uh-oh. Carl, look at this, ''[Shake reels it in]'' the ants are starting to run off with it!
:'''Carl''': Yeah well, I guess they'll get it this time.
:'''Master Shake''': Wow, I just-I intercepted it myself, ''[picks up the lasagna]'' ...you know, from the ants.
:'''Carl''': I don't give a damn, cup.
:'''Master Shake''': Oh...well that's too bad. I guess I'll just... ''[lifts manhole cover]'' ...toss this down the sewer in front of you. Mm...this probably was the best batch I ever made.
:'''Carl''': Don't do that.
:'''Master Shake''': Oh-oh...you didn't...you didn't want any of this, did you?
:'''Carl''': ''(brokenly)'' You know I do.
:'''Master Shake''': Then let's see if you've got the legs for it ''[tosses the lasagna back into Carl's yard]''.
:'''Carl''': Let me just get a little closer and get a closer look. ''[Shake reels it in]'' Get back here! Get back here!
:'''Master Shake''': Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! 
:'''Carl''': Get back here! ''[runs into the electric fence and shocks himself]'' Ahhh!!
:'''Master Shake''': Ohhh, so close to marinara town!
:'''Carl''': I get this necklace off in three months, cup, and you're dead!
:'''Master Shake''': Well, I'll see you in the fall, fats!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Doctor''': Well, first off, I would stop drinking any milkshake that claims to be medicine

== External links ==	 
{{wikipedia}}	 
* [http://video.adultswim.com/aqua-unit-patrol-squad-1/ ''Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1''] at Adult Swim
* {{imdb title||Aqua Teen Hunger Force}}	 

[[Category:Aqua Teen Hunger Force seasons]]

{| class=&quot;wikitable&quot; border=&quot;1&quot; style=&quot;width:100%; text-align: center;&quot;
| width=&quot;30%&quot; | Preceded by&lt;br&gt;'''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 7)|Season 7]]'''
| width=&quot;30%&quot; | '''''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]'' [[w:List of Aqua Teen Hunger Force episodes|seasons]]'''
| width=&quot;30%&quot; | Succeeded by&lt;br&gt;'''''[[Aqua Something You Know Whatever]]'''''
|}
{{Adult Swim}}</text>
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    <title>Hellcats</title>
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'''''[[w: Hellcats|Hellcats]]''''' (2010-2011) was a television series on the CW Network. The show focused on the lives of college cheerleaders, mainly focusing on Marti Perkins ([[w: Alyson Michalka|Alyson Michalka]]), a pre-law student who joins the cheerleading squad to receive an athletic scholarship.
 
== Season 1 ==

=== A World Full of Strangers [1.01]===
:'''Savannah''': (about cheerleaders) We are an internationally recognized competitive sport. We spend 20 hours a week practicing. We bench press twice our body weight and run a 7-minute mile. We compete with broken thumbs and twisted ankles, smiling through the pain. We are athletes.
:'''Marti''': Back in Dollywood, maybe.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dan''' [to Marti]: Hey, you are mighty. You are Bat Girl.
:'''Marti''': You are blindly optimistic.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marti''': Oh hey, I'm one of the new girls, Marti. 
:'''Alice''': I know who you are. I voted against you. I was overruled. Democracy's a bitch.
:'''Marti''': Apparently, so are you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marti''': You know, I don't trust any culture that builds pyramids. Human or otherwise. You know, Egyptians enslaved the Jews.
:'''Dan''': Aztecs, human sacrifices.
:'''Marti''': Freemasons put pyramids on money giving us (pauses) Dan Brown.
:'''Dan''': They've earned their spot in hell. 
:'''Marti''': Right next to the cheerleaders. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dan''': Plenty of time to ponder the imponderable.
:'''Marti''': Today's topic?
:'''Dan''': Okay, what makes a person decide to become a cheerleader?
:'''Marti''': Science. You know, over time all that pep builds up pressure.
:'''Dan''': So, they have to vent.
:'''Marti''': Otherwise their heads explode.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== I Say a Little Prayer [1.02]===
:'''Vanessa''': Gather up, Hellcats! Do you feel it? Do you feel the weight? Today, one squad will qualify for regionals. No one in their right mind thinks it's gonna be us. The university, they've given us an ultimatum: place at nationals, or they will gut our program. Are you feeling the weight? Well, I'm not. I'm light as a feather. Because you are champions of the spirit. You ignore the scoreboard! Long odds are irrelevant. In the face of seemingly insurmountable adversity, you do not waver. You roll, you tumble, you fly.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marti''': Who are those guys?
:'''Vanessa''': Memphis Christian. The team to beat.
:'''Marti''': Not much for showing the skin, are they?
:'''Vanessa''': Well, Mem-Chris is a religious school. Jesus is the wind beneath their skirts.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wanda''': (sees Marti at qualifiers) Well, Marti Beth Perkins, what a surprise to see you here. My invitation must have gotten lost in the mail.
:'''Marti''': Mom...
:'''Wanda''': Did you really think I wouldn't find out? I am Facebook friends with half your squad!
:'''Marti''': Oh my God! Who are you?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wanda''' [to Marti]: I love you, and I am so proud of you, and Marti, Marti! I wouldn't miss one of your events for the whole wide world. (licks her finger and rubs Marti's face) Look at that eyeliner. You look like a truck stop tranny.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== Beale St. After Dark [1.03]===
:'''Savannah''': (referring to her dress) I bought this for my date with Dan. What does this dress say?
:'''Marti''': Back off, this is my street corner. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Red''': (to Vanessa) You always did play hard to get. This feels like old times. What do they call it? Deja vu? I love the French. They have a name for everything!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(Marti arrives to class her class late)
:'''Julian''': Ah, Ms. Perkins. In a court of law, what happens when one party is late?
:'''Marti''': The, um, late party is held in contempt.
:'''Julian''': That's correct. But that's not the real punishment. Does anyone know what the real punishment is? Mr. Pepper?
:'''Morgan''': The judge and jury, those who dictate the outcome of your case, they won't take you seriously.
:'''Julian''': Thank you, Mr. Pepper.
:'''Morgan''': In the American justice system, perception is reality...
:'''Julian''': Please stop speaking, Mr. Pepper.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marti''' [to Julian]: Thank you so much. I'm sorry to drag you down here like this.
:'''Julian''': Well, I hope you at least learned something.
:'''Marti''': I learned the cops around here have no problem lying.
:'''Julian''': Everyone lies. That's my first rule for successful delegation. You work for the lie, you make it work for you.
:'''Marti''': I won't ever forget it.
:'''Julian''': Look, it's 6:00am. Stop kissing my ass, and start working on that assignment I gave you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== Nobody Loves Me But My Mother [1.04]===
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marti''': (to Dan about Savannah) Hey, why'd she call your relationship casual? That girl wouldn't know casual if it walked right up to her and said, &quot;Hey, yeah, whatever.&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wanda''': (about Lewis) Someone is checking us out, and by 'us', I mean you.
:'''Marti''': Do not encourage him.
:'''Wanda''': Why the hell not?
:'''Marti''': He asked me out and I blew him off.
:'''Wanda''': With that body? If you're not interested, I will take a swing at that. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wanda''': (to Marti) You haven't dated since Aaron and that was 2 years ago, which makes you, and I say this with love, pathetic.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wanda''': You might as well hang a sign around your neck that says, &quot;I'm sexually frustrated.&quot; I mean, Marti, are you a lesbian? Come out to Momma. 
:'''Marti''': (about Lewis) Okay, fine, you know what? I'll go out with him. Just stop talking. Wow! Oh my gosh!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== The Prisoner's Song [1.05]===


=== Ragged Old Flag [1.06]===
:(When Marti arrives to the flag football game)
:'''Savannah''': I'm impressed. You chose cheerleading over lawyering.
:'''Marti''': No. You could've busted me in front of the others for faking but you didn't. I chose you over lawyering...you're a good friend.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== The Match Game [1.07]===


=== Back of a Car [1.08]===
:'''Marti''': I like that there's a sense of history in the bobble-head community. 
:'''Savannah''': Yeah, it's really hard to make that nickname sound complimentary.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Savannah''' [to Marti]: Sometimes it's hard to be mad at you.
:'''Marti''': I'm sorry if my awesomeness confounds your narrow view of humanity. 
:'''Savannah''': And other times it's easy.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Savannah''': So, was it romantic?
:'''Dan''': (from the bathroom) Was what romantic?
:'''Savannah''': Your first time.
:'''Dan''': Oh. Not remotely. It was in the back of a Buick in the middle of nowhere out off of Route 51.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marti''': My first time was totally unexpected, okay? It was in the back of a Buick off Route 51 with somebody I never thought it would happen with.
:'''Savannah''': Were you in love with him?
:'''Marti''': That's a complicated question.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Savannah''': What was your first time like?
:'''Dan''': You really wanna know?
:'''Savannah''': Yeah. Yeah I do.
:'''Dan''': It's not a very interesting story.
:'''Savannah''': I don't care.
:Dan: It was high school.
:'''Savannah''': Did you love her?
:'''Dan''': Yeah, I guess I did. What do I know, I was 16, you know? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== Finish What We Started [1.09]===


=== Pledging My Love [1.10]===


=== Think Twice Before You Go [1.11]===


=== Papa, Oh Papa [1.12]===
:'''Alice''': (to Lewis about her father) Suppose that I had told him how you stomped all over my heart. He'd probably come to hate you for being cruel and hurtful, and when you eventually realize what a horrible mistake you made and we got back together, he'd have a very tough time forgiving you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marti''': I did something I regret with Dan.
:'''Vanessa''': Savannah's Dan?
:'''Marti''': He was my Dan first. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marti''': No one will give me a chance to apologize, or explain, or anything. So...I just can't let myself care anymore.
:'''Vanessa''': I think you do care. But the one thing I can't coach is desire, so if you wanna give up, so be it.
:'''Marti''': I don't have a choice.
:'''Vanessa''': You're as good as any of the girls in there. I can go in there and simply tell them you're flying, but I don't like to run my team that way. But if you decide that your spot on this team, in this family, is worth fighting for, I'm gonna support you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wanda''': My daughter is a very driven girl.
:'''Travis''': I've noticed that. You know, she makes my life a lot better. 
:'''Wanda''': Yeah?
:'''Travis''': Hopeful, you know, like I got a shot at getting out of this place while I'm still relatively young. 
:'''Wanda''': That is a wonderful thing for a mother to hear about her child. Thank you for that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marti''': Savannah, you're my best girlfriend. I don't have one of those. I never did before, and I can't lose you.
:'''Savannah''': Well, if it helps, I enjoyed hitting you with a pillow.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marti''': This is your first time at sectionals as a Hellcat. You have to fly.
:'''Savannah''': I can't let you.
:'''Marti''': This is so small but...it's something I can do for you. Something I can, I can give up for you. So let me. Please.
:'''Savannah''': How do you explain that my ankle miraculously healed?
:'''Marti''': Acupuncture?
:'''Savannah''': That's good.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alice''': Lewis and I broke up months ago. 
:'''Michael''': What?
:'''Alice''': I didn't tell you because I knew it would disappoint you. But then I realized it didn't matter because you have been disappointing me for years. You didn't show up today and it hurt. You need to know that. 
:'''Michael''': Alice...
:'''Alice''': Keep your flowers because I am getting on a bus to go home and they would wilt. Take some time to think about how you're gonna make this up to me. And, if you choose not to, then we'll see each other at Easter and we can both pretend I never said a word about anything. (referring to Kelly) And you're right, this one's a keeper. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== Worried Baby Blues [1.13]===
:'''Morgan''': (looking at the Hellcats calendar) Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
:'''Marti''': I'm thinking, &quot;Stop staring creepily at my photo.&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== Remember When [1.14]===


=== God Must Have My Fortune Laid Away [1.15]===
:'''Jake''': (at his press conference, taking ownership of his crime) Thank y'all for coming. This is difficult for me, but I'm afraid I've let all of you down. My friends, teammates, coaches, and our fans. I know now that an innocent man went to jail for my crime. I can't allow that to continue. And that's why I've come forward and told the District Attorney that Travis Guthrie must go free. And I must do my time.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== Fancy Dan [1.16]===
:(After Marti finishes her song at the wedding)
:'''Dan''': You do know how to sell a song, Marti Perkins.
:'''Marti''': Hey, you know, wedding audiences are easy. Lots of booze and optimism.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(After Dan introduces Savannah and Marti to his new girlfriend Vicki)
: '''Savannah''': (to Marti) I don't get it, what does Dan see in her?
:'''Marti''': Her flawless protruding breasts, I don't know.
:'''Savannah''': I wanna punch 'em! (Marti snickers)

=== Don't Make Promises (You Can't Keep) [1.17]===
:'''Simon''': (to the Hellcats) You ladies...wearing underwear?
:'''Marti''': You guys wearing a dunce cap? You should be. You're underdressed without it.
:'''Simon''': Touché.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Matt''': (referring to his joining the Hellcats) I'm joking.
:'''Savannah''': Right. Yeah, I totally knew.
:'''Matt''': Uh-uh, you didn't.
:'''Savannah''': No, I didn't. But please don't joke about cheerleading, it gives me a nervous stomach.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Savannah''': Why are we cheering for these creeps again?
:'''Alice''': We have to, or we lose the song.
:'''Marti''': Lil' Kim's looking pretty attractive right about now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== Woke Up Dead [1.18]===


=== Before I Was Caught [1.19]===


=== Warped Sister [1.20]===

'''Deirdre Perkins:''' (In the music shop talking to Marti about her time with their dad, apologising for running away from Marti) Sorry I ran from you. A shrink once told me I have an Avoidant Personality Disorder. I Stopped seeing her! So, I guess it proves she was right...

=== Land of 1,000 Dances [1.21]===


=== I'm Sick Y'all [1.22]===

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|tt1596356|Hellcats}}

[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:CW shows]]
[[Category:2010s American comedy-drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American teen drama TV shows]]</text>
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    <title>Bob's Burgers</title>
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        <id>2108323</id>
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----
:'''Season''' [[Bob's Burgers (season 1)|1]] [[Bob's Burgers (season 2)|2]] [[Bob's Burgers (season 3)|3]] [[Bob's Burgers (season 4)|4]] [[Bob's Burgers (season 5)|5]] [[Bob's Burgers (season 6)|6]] [[Bob's Burgers (season 7)|7]] [[Bob's Burgers (season 8)|8]] [[Bob's Burgers (season 9)|9]] [[Bob's Burgers (season 10)|10]] [[Bob's Burgers (season 11)|11]] [[Bob's Burgers (season 12)|12]] | [[The Bob's Burgers Movie|'''Film''']] | [[Bob's Burgers|'''Main''']]
----

'''''[[w:Bob's Burgers|Bob's Burgers]]''''' is an American adult animated sitcom created by Loren Bouchard for Fox. The series centers on the Belchers—parents Bob and Linda, and their children Tina, Gene, and Louise—who run a hamburger restaurant.

== Seasons ==
::[[Bob's Burgers (season 1)|Season 1]]
::[[Bob's Burgers (season 2)|Season 2]]
::[[Bob's Burgers (season 3)|Season 3]]
::[[Bob's Burgers (season 4)|Season 4]]
::[[Bob's Burgers (season 5)|Season 5]]
::[[Bob's Burgers (season 6)|Season 6]]
::[[Bob's Burgers (season 7)|Season 7]]
::[[Bob's Burgers (season 8)|Season 8]]
::[[Bob's Burgers (season 9)|Season 9]]
::[[Bob's Burgers (season 10)|Season 10]]
::[[Bob's Burgers (season 11)|Season 11]]
::[[Bob's Burgers (season 12)|Season 12]]

== Film ==
*[[The Bob's Burgers Movie]]

== Cast ==
* [[w:H. Jon Benjamin|H. Jon Benjamin]] - Bob Belcher
* [[w:John Roberts (actor)|John Roberts]] - Linda Belcher
* [[w:Dan Mintz|Dan Mintz]] - Tina Belcher
* [[w:Eugene Mirman|Eugene Mirman]] - Gene Belcher
* [[w:Kristen Schaal|Kristen Schaal]] - Louise Belcher

== External links ==
{{wikipedia|Bob's Burgers}}
*[http://www.fox.com/bobsburgers/ ''Bob's Burgers''] official website

[[Category:2010s American adult animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American adult animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American sitcoms]]
[[Category:2020s American sitcoms]]
[[Category:2010s American workplace comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American workplace comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American animated sitcoms]]
[[Category:Traditionally adult animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American adult animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Single-camera sitcoms]]
[[Category:Current shows]]
[[Category:FOX shows]]
[[Category:Bob's Burgers]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about children]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about families]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about teenagers]]
[[Category:Television shows featuring audio description]]
[[Category:Television series by Fox Television Animation]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Game of Thrones</title>
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'''''[[w:Game of Thrones (TV series)|Game of Thrones]]''''' (2011-19) is an American medieval fantasy television series, created by David Benioff and D.B. Weiss and aired for HBO. It is based on [[George R. R. Martin]]'s best-selling novel series ''[[w:A Song of Ice and Fire|A Song of Ice and Fire]]''.
[[Image:Game_of_Thrones_2011_logo.svg|thumb|When you play the game of [[throne]]s, you win or you die. There is no middle ground.]]

== Seasons ==
* [[Game of Thrones/Season 1|Season 1]]
* [[Game of Thrones/Season 2|Season 2]]
* [[Game of Thrones/Season 3|Season 3]]
* [[Game of Thrones/Season 4|Season 4]]
* [[Game of Thrones/Season 5|Season 5]]
* [[Game of Thrones/Season 6|Season 6]]
* [[Game of Thrones/Season 7|Season 7]]
* [[Game of Thrones/Season 8|Season 8]]

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==
* [[Rape]] is often presented in [[television]] plotlines, where it has far-reaching and lasting consequences for the affected characters. But [[critics]] of “Game of Thrones” [[fear]] that rape has become so pervasive in the [[drama]] that it is almost background [[noise]]: a [[routine]] and unshocking occurrence.
** Dave Itzkoff, [http://www.nytimes.com/2014/05/03/arts/television/for-game-of-thrones-rising-unease-over-rapes-recurring-role.html?_r=0 &quot;For ‘Game of Thrones,’ Rising Unease Over Rape’s Recurring Role&quot;], ''New York Times'', (May 2, 2014).

* [[Rape]] and [[sexual]] [[violence]] have been a part of every [[war]] ever [[fought]], from the [[ancient]] [[Sumerians]] to our [[present]] [[day]]. To omit them from a [[narrative]] centered on war and [[power]] would have been fundamentally false and [[dishonest]] and would have undermined one of the [[themes]] of the [[books]]: that the true [[horrors]] of [[human]] [[history]] derive not from orcs and Dark Lords, but from ourselves.
** [[George R. R. Martin]], qtd. in Dave Itzkoff, [http://www.nytimes.com/2014/05/03/arts/television/for-game-of-thrones-rising-unease-over-rapes-recurring-role.html?_r=0 &quot;For ‘Game of Thrones,’ Rising Unease Over Rape’s Recurring Role&quot;], ''New York Times'', (May 2, 2014).

=== &quot;“What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger:” The Fallacy of Rape Narratives as Paths to Women’s Empowerment in Contemporary Television&quot; (2020) === 
[[File:RAINN_logo.svg|thumb|Figures such as US Senator [[w:Claire McCaskill|Claire McCaskill]] and the president and founder of the [[w:Rape Abuse &amp; Incest National Network|Rape Abuse &amp; Incest National Network]] (RAINN) felt compelled to respond to the episode. The president of RAINN announced that his organization “receives an influx of calls following the portrayal of sexual violence in popular programs such as Game of Thrones” (Hannell, 4), proving that not only was this episode upsetting to viewers, it was actually triggering to survivors of sexual assault. The episode’s director Jeremy Podeswa was surprised by the intense backlash to the episode and stated at a press conference that he and the showrunners “were aware ahead of time that it was going to be disturbing but we did not expect there would be people in Congress talking about it” (Robinson). Either they did not comprehend the impact their series has on viewers, which I find hard to believe since they are well aware it was a global phenomenon with a dedicated fan base, or they did not [[understand]] how [[disturbing]] watching the [[violent]] [[rape]] of a [[teenager]] would be for the [[audience]].]]
[[File:The_kanji_for_Hentai.svg|thumb|SansaStark’s transition from crying, [[feminine]], helpless princess to unfeeling, masculine leader is the apex of the Game of Throne’s creative team’s [[ignorance]] of [[sexual]] [[violence]] and how it affects its survivors. GOT’s admittance that Sansa’s prolonged sexual abuse is what made her the [[strong]] woman [[leader]] she is by the end of her [[narrative]] in “The Last of the Starks” makes its choices for Sansa’s character arc more appalling, because it proves that the showrunners knew the implications of making Sansa’s rape the catalyst to her strength and leadership. They thought the ends justified the means: that the fact that Sansa was abused by [[cartoonishly]] [[evil]] men for five seasons was excused because it made her strong enough to become Queen of the North.]]
&lt;small&gt; Alessia S., [https://digitalcommons.conncoll.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1006&amp;context=filmhp &quot;“What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger:” The Fallacy of Rape Narratives as Paths to Women’s Empowerment in Contemporary Television&quot;] (2020). &lt;/small&gt;
* 19.3 million viewers tuned in to watch the finale of [[HBO]]’s epic series Game of Thrones (Patten). For reference, if the Game of Thrones audience made up a country, it would be 62nd most populated in the world. As an extra to one’s cable package, HBO needs just one show to bring in high enough viewership numbers so that people keep paying for the network, and Benioff and Weiss’s adaptation of George R.R. Martin’s popular book series A Song of Ice and Fire more than delivered. For eight seasons, people tuned in to watch spectacular [[dragons]], incredible [[special effects]], [[political]] [[intrigue]], and lots of [[sex]] and [[violence]]. With copious [[nudity]], excessive violence, [[aggressive]] displays of [[masculinity]] to exert [[power]] over others, and a [[narrative]] built on devastating blows to beloved [[w:Character (arts)|characters]], [[rape]] seems inevitable on the world’s most epic television series. As Anne Gjelsvik notes: “sex and violence are integral to the contest for power which underpins the story” (57) of Game of Thrones, and are what many find so entertaining about the series. One need not wait long to see an assault on-screen: one of the show’s protagonists, Daenerys (Emilia Clarke), is raped in the pilot episode when she is supposed to be only fourteen years old. The series’ creative team and its fans were able to explain that assault and the incestuous rape of Cersei Lannister (Lena Heady) in season three on the fact that both rapes occurred in Martin’s books and the show was just being loyal to its subject matter. Many fans, however, could not abide by the show depicting the rape of a major [[teenaged]] character that does not occur in the books—that of Sansa Stark on her wedding night in the fifth season of the series. Before this episode, Sansa is meek and constantly made to [[suffer]]. Afterwards, she stops passively existing within her narrative and letting other people make decisions for her and, motivated by her desire for revenge, works with her siblings to destroy her husband and all of her other enemies to become queen. Her character arc begs the questions: Why did the writers feel it was necessary that she be raped? Why is her rape the event that makes her “[[strong]]” enough to become an active heroine and achieve her goals? Men on Game of Thrones become [[powerful]] by doing [[harm]] to others, but Sansa becomes powerful by having harm done unto her.
** pp.29-30

* In order to fully understand this trope of rape making women stronger within Game of Thrones, one must examine the series’ ubiquitous, shocking, and often gratuitous use of sexual violence against women. Game of Thrones never explores the effects of rape on its survivors, and often only employs it to elicit shock value.
** p.38

* Figures such as US Senator [[w:Claire McCaskill|Claire McCaskill]] and the president and founder of the [[w:Rape Abuse &amp; Incest National Network|Rape Abuse &amp; Incest National Network]] (RAINN) felt compelled to respond to the episode. The president of RAINN announced that his organization “receives an influx of calls following the portrayal of sexual violence in popular programs such as Game of Thrones” (Hannell, 4), proving that not only was this episode upsetting to viewers, it was actually triggering to survivors of sexual assault. The episode’s director Jeremy Podeswa was surprised by the intense backlash to the episode and stated at a press conference that he and the showrunners “were aware ahead of time that it was going to be disturbing but we did not expect there would be people in Congress talking about it” (Robinson). Either they did not comprehend the impact their series has on viewers, which I find hard to believe since they are well aware it was a global phenomenon with a dedicated fan base, or they did not [[understand]] how [[disturbing]] watching the violent rape of a teenager would be for the [[audience]].
** p.49

* SansaStark’s transition from crying, [[feminine]], helpless princess to unfeeling, masculine leader is the apex of the Game of Throne’s creative team’s [[ignorance]] of [[sexual]] [[violence]] and how it affects its survivors. GOT’s admittance that Sansa’s prolonged sexual abuse is what made her the strong woman leader she is by the end of her narrative in “The Last of the Starks” makes its choices for Sansa’s character arc more appalling, because it proves that the showrunners knew the implications of making Sansa’s rape the catalyst to her strength and leadership. They thought the ends justified the means: that the fact that Sansa was abused by [[cartoonishly]] [[evil]] men for five seasons was excused because it made her strong enough to become Queen of the North. 
** p.100

== Cast ==
* [[w:Sean Bean|Sean Bean]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Ned_Stark|Lord Eddard &quot;Ned&quot; Stark]]
* [[w:Michelle Fairley|Michelle Fairley]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Catelyn Stark|Lady Catelyn Stark]]
* [[w:Maisie Williams|Maisie Williams]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Arya Stark|Arya Stark]]
* [[w:Kit Harington|Kit Harington]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Jon Snow (character)|Jon Snow]]
* [[w:Lena Headey|Lena Headey]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Cersei Lannister|Queen Cersei Lannister Baratheon]]
* [[w:Nikolaj Coster-Waldau|Nikolaj Coster-Waldau]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Jaime Lannister|Jaime Lannister]]
* [[Peter Dinklage]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Tyrion Lannister|Tyrion Lannister]]
* [[w:Mark Addy|Mark Addy]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Robert Baratheon|King Robert Baratheon]]
* [[Jack Gleeson]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Joffrey_Baratheon|Prince Joffrey Baratheon]]
* [[w:Ian Beattie|Ian Beattie]] &amp;ndash; Ser Meryn Trant
* [[w:Emilia Clarke|Emilia Clarke]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Daenerys Targaryen|Daenerys Targaryen]]
* [[w:Trent Harry Lloyd|Trent Harry Lloyd]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Viserys Targaryen|Viserys Targaryen]]
* [[w:Richard Madden|Richard Madden]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Robb Stark|Robb Stark]]
* [[w:Sophie Turner|Sophie Turner]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Sansa Stark|Sansa Stark]]
* [[w:Alfie Allen|Alfie Allen]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Theon Greyjoy|Theon Greyjoy]]
* [[w:Iain Glen|Iain Glen]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Jorah Mormont|Ser Jorah Mormont]]
* [[w:Jason Momoa|Jason Momoa]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Khal Drogo|Khal Drogo]]
* [[w:Finn Jones|Finn Jones]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Major_houses_in_A_Song_of_Ice_and_Fire#Tyrell|Ser Loras Tyrell]]
* [[w:Natalie Dormer|Natalie Dormer]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Margaery Tyrell|Margaery Tyrell]]
* [[w:Dean-Charles Chapman|Dean-Charles Chapman]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Tommen Baratheon|Tommen Baratheon]]
* [[w:Pedro Pascal|Pedro Pascal]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Oberyn Martell|Oberyn Martell]]
* [[w:Rory McCann|Rory McCann]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Sandor Clegane|Sandor Clegane]]
* [[w:Aidan Gillen|Aidan Gillen]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Petyr Baelish|Petyr Baelish]]
* [[w:Conleth Hill|Conleth Hill]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Varys|Varys]]
* [[w:James Cosmo|James Cosmo]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Jeor Mormont|Jeor Mormont]]
* [[w:Peter Vaughan|Peter Vaughan]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Maester Aemon|Maester Aemon]] (TV final role)
* [[w:Carice van Houten|Carice van Houten]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Melisandre|Melisandre]]
* [[w:Gwendoline Christie|Gwendoline Christie]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Brienne of Tarth|Brienne of Tarth]]
* [[w:Liam Cunningham|Liam Cunningham]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Davos Seaworth|Davos Seaworth]]
* [[w:Stephen Dillane|Stephen Dillane]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Stannis_Baratheon|Stannis Baratheon]]
* [[w:Kerry Ingram|Kerry Ingram]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Major_houses_in_A_Song_of_Ice_and_Fire#Shireen_Baratheon|Shireen Baratheon]]
* [[w:Gethin Anthony|Gethin Anthony]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Major_houses_in_A_Song_of_Ice_and_Fire#Renly_Baratheon|Renly Baratheon]]
* [[Charles Dance]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Tywin Lannister|Tywin Lannister]]
* [[w:David Bradley|David Bradley]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Walder_Frey|Walder Frey]]
* [[w:Patrick Malahide|Partick Malahide]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Major_houses_in_A_Song_of_Ice_and_Fire#Balon_Greyjoy|Balon Greyjoy]]
* [[w:Ian McElhinney|Ian McElhinney]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Barristan_Selmy|Ser Barristan Selmy]]
* [[w:Tom Wlaschiha|Tom Wlaschiha]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Jaqen_H'ghar|Jaqen H'ghar/Many-faced God]]
* [[w:Ciarán Hinds|Ciarán Hinds]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Mance_Rayder|Mance Rayder]]
* [[w:Indira Varma|Indira Varma]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Major_houses_in_A_Song_of_Ice_and_Fire#Ellaria_Sand|Ellaria Sand]]
* [[w:Owen Teale|Owen Teale]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Alliser_Thorne|Alliser Thorne]]
* [[w:Mark Gatiss|Mark Gatiss]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Tycho_Nestoris|Tycho Nestoris]]
* [[w:Michiel Huisman|Michiel Huisman]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Major_houses_in_A_Song_of_Ice_and_Fire#Daario_Naharis|Daario Naharis]]
* [[w:Michael McElhatton|Michael McEllhatton]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Roose Bolton|Roose Bolton]]
* [[w:Iwan Rheon|Iwan Rheon]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Ramsay Bolton|Ramsay Snow (later legitimized as Ramsay Bolton)]]
* [[w:Rose Leslie|Rose Leslie]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Ygritte|Ygritte]]
* [[w:Jerome Flynn|Jerome Flynn]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Bronn (character)|Bronn]]

== See also ==
* [[Last words in Game of Thrones media]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.hbo.com/game-of-thrones/index.html Official website]

[[Category:HBO shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:American fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American LGBT-related drama TV shows]]
[[Category:Television programs based on novels]]
[[Category:Military drama TV shows]]
[[Category:Game of Thrones]]
[[Category:TV shows about dysfunctional families]]</text>
      <sha1>5n3e0unjq6tt89j6ytaqpmduarxzmgz</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Necessary Roughness (TV series)</title>
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        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
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      <text bytes="12256" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Necessary Roughness (TV series)|Necessary Roughness]]''''' (2011–2013) is a USA Network drama series about a tough Long Island divorcee who, in order to make ends meet, gets a job as a therapist for a professional football team.

== Season 1 ==
=== ''Pilot'' [1.01] ===
:'''Dani Santino''': I don't scare easily and I do not give up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coach Purnell''': Are you always this pigheaded?!
:'''Dani Santino''': Only when it comes to protecting my clients and my children. ''[her cell phone rings]'' Now, I got to take this 'cause it's my daughter's guidance counselor!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coach Purnell''': ''[to Dani]'' Good luck, Doc. You're our Hail Mary.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dani Santino''': ''[to Terrance]'' I am your therapist, I'm not part of your posse.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dani Santino''' [to Ray]: You try to take my kids and I ''will'' kill you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terrance &quot;T.K.&quot; King''': I will trash my career if I want to!

=== ''Spinning Out'' [1.02] ===
:'''Dani''': I look like a refugee backup dancer from a Madonna video.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coach Purnell''' (about TK): If he can walk, he can run, if he can run, he can play. Make him walk by Sunday.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Janet''': You want to know what the new protein is? Earthworms. The guys a worm farmer. The night was destined to end with battery-operated machinery.

=== ''Anchor Management'' [1.03] ===
:'''Dani''': When a person spins out, you often can't tell until after they hit the wall.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dani''': Vodka and painkillers, statistically, deadlier than auto racing.

=== ''Habit Forming'' [1.04] ===
:'''Dani''': The question is: when is it time for an old habit to die?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nico''': As shocking as it sounds, I am capable of reading and apologizing.

=== ''Poker Face'' [1.05] ===
:'''Dani''' (to Laura): Everyone has a dark side.
:'''Laura''': Not one I can't spin.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Officer''' (to TK): At 75 miles per hour, no problem. At 150, big problem.
:'''TK''': I was...150. The dealer said this thing could go 200. This thing is broken. I'm taking it back.

=== ''Dream On'' [1.06] ===
:'''Tyler''': Ten years and I still have to dance like a trained monkey for my banana.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jeanette''' (to Dani): Honey, it's a high school reunion, not a mafia confirmation.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jeanette''':  You just gave me the boost no botox injection ever could.

=== ''Whose Team Are You On?'' [1.07] ===
:'''Matt''': Can't we all just get along?
:'''Coach Purnell''': Thank you, Mr. Switzerland.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dani''' (to Nico): How come none of your situations happen at a normal time?
:'''Nico''': Because jail time is anytime.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coach Purnell''': Shannon Prichard's sucking up loose jewelry faster than a Hoover.

=== ''Losing Your Swing'' [1.08] ===
:'''Dani''': Terrence has a problem with boundaries. He's got none.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nico''': I live in the basement so you can live in the penthouse.
:'''Matt''': I don't care where you live. Just get that guy out of our house.

=== ''Forget Me Not'' [1.09] ===
:'''TK''': Lesson learned. Consider me spanked.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dani''': There are many types of fighters in the world. Some box and some sit in little flower chairs.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''TK''': You know what's unattractive? A parasite with fresh blood on his face.

=== ''A Wing and a Player'' [1.10] ===
:'''Matt''': Since you obviously didn't pay attention at the last sexual harassment seminar.
:'''TK''': I thought that was a how to.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''TK''' (to Dani): You've got some good kids. Wimpy, but good.

=== ''Baggage Claim'' [1.11] ===
:'''Dani''': Can we agree that throwing things at employees is generally considered unacceptable and probably illegal?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''TK''': You tell anyone I asked you about this, you're a dead man.
:'''Matt''': You tell anyone I answered, then you're dead too.

=== ''Goal Line'' [1.12] ===
:'''Dani''': To what do I owe the honor? Jail time? Strip club?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dani''':  Mall parking lot. Odd spot for therapy.

==Season 2==
=== Shrink or Swim [2.01] ===
:'''Dani''': I almost killed a tutor, an IRS agent and my son all in the same day.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Matt''': All new season. All new set of crazy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lindsay''': He eats frozen blood worms.
:'''Dani''': Ray Jay?
:'''Lindsay''': No. Mr. Fishy.

=== To Swerve and Protect [2.02] ===
:'''TK''': Pitman's sweating me like a hooker in church.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dani''': I love my job and I care about the players, but I am not a game player. So if you're going to fire me over this, feel free to do it right now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dani''': I am going to go get that little Romeo and he is going to wish he drank poison.

=== Wide Deceiver [2.03] ===
:'''TK''': I don't need the nonsense of football. It's just full of pain and agony and pressure and disloyalty

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pitman''': My grandmother could get a nine. She's been dead for 15 years.

=== Slumpbuster [2.04] ===
:'''Matt''': Don't beat yourself up. That's my job.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pittman''': I am flattered that you think of me as normal.
:'''Dani''': Oh, it's a relative term.

=== Mr. Irrelevant [2.05] ===
:'''TK''': When a tweeter and a hater have a baby, it's a twate.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coach Purcell''': We already have one head case wide receiver. What do we need, a match set?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dani''': Big dreams are the magic that stirs us to greatness.

=== What's Eating You [2.06] ===
:'''TK''': You go first. I've been shot twice this year. It's your turn.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''TK''': I am finally having a good time again. I thought you guys would appreciate that.
:'''Nico''': We would if you were using your powers for good instead of evil.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''TK''': You did not just bedazzle my helmet?

=== Spell it Out [2.07] ===
:'''Dani''': Our words have power.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''TK''':  I can pretty much ignore anything.

=== A Load of Bull [2.08] ===
:'''Jeanette''': Breaking up is hard to do. That's why country music exists.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''TK''': The Hawks do not objectify women. Put your flagpoles back in.

=== Might As Well Face It [2.09] ===
:'''Dani''': Who loves the shopping?
:'''Jeanette''': It's the only sport I'm really good at.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nico''' (to Dani): That's the funny thing about your patients. They all end up in rehab.

=== Double Fault [2.10] ===
:'''Dani''': This team has compromised me in ways that I never even knew existed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nico''': Right now I'm a little busy trying to save all of our asses before this goes public.

=== All the King's Horses [2.11] ===
:'''TK''': I need this for the Tweethab. You know, Tweeting from rehab.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dani''' (about TK): I'm just suppose to help people put themselves back together and you know, he's in a bunch of pieces.

=== Frozen Fish Sticks [2.12] ===
:'''Matt''': How is the league suppose to take us seriously if we're being run by our own Paris HIlton?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dani''':  New rule. There's going to be one leather seat between us at all times.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''TK''': Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change what I can and the wisdom not to take Toes out and beat him like a rented government mule.

=== Hits and Myths [2.13] ===
:'''Nico''' (to Juliette): What are we celebrating?
:'''Juliette''': Tuesday.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''TK''': So fast you didn't see me bitch slap you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dani''': Why can't my sex dream just be about sex?

=== The Fall Guy [2.14] ===
:'''Matt''': It's like they're actively trying to end people's careers out there.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''TK''': I've shot turkey before, but it's always been wild and followed by a hangover.

=== Regret Me Not [2.15] ===
:'''Dani''': Happiness is fleeting and we don't live forever.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''TK''' (to Joe): You come to ballet often?
:'''Joe''': How do you think I get these sexy damn legs?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dani''': How do you know when that ship has sailed?
:'''Nico''': When it's so far out to sea that you'd drown trying to catch up to it.

=== There's the Door [2.16] ===
:'''Glenn''': We prepare for the worst and then hope to be pleasantly surprised.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dani''': Sometimes doing the right thing ain't always the easy thing.

==Season 3==
=== Ch-Ch-Changes [3.01] ===
:'''Connor''' (to Dani): Don't tell me you're a cynic.
:'''Dani''': I'm just from New York. Goes with the territory.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''TK''' (to Dani): Help me Obi-Wan KeDani. You are my only hope.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nico''' (to Dani): Are you going to slap me again?
:'''Dani''': No, but I'd like to.

=== Gimme Some Lovin' [3.02] ===
:'''Dani''': I can't just snap my fingers and get her back up on the balance beam.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nico''': If she gets hurt in any way, you do not want me as an enemy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connor''': Nobody cares about &quot;Gay the Sequel.&quot;

=== Swimming With Sharks [3.03] ===

=== Snap Out of It [3.04] ===
:'''Nolan''' (to Dani): Does this window open?
:'''Dani''': No, why?
:'''Nolan''': Because I want to kill myself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''TK''': Did I just get Jetered in my own home?

=== V3 for Vendetta [3.05] ===
:'''TK''': I knew this plan was brain dead from the start.
:'''Sheera''': I'll show you brain dead, Cinderfella.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Abigail''': I saw you on TV last night, Connor. If you were spinning any harder, you'd have your own gravitational pull.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connor''': Congratulations on our first FBI raid. Let's give ourselves a big round of applause.

=== Good Will Haunting [3.06] ===
:'''Connor''': Life sure is a page turner, isn't it?
:'''Dani''': Yes, and I can't wait to see what happens next.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''TK''': He is trading me to Buffalo. The weather's like Siberia. The team is even colder and they're in the last place in the league. And the women? A Buffalo 10 is like a Manhattan 3. A Buffalo 10 is like a Buffalo.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connor''': Celebrity phones get hacked all the time. Don't put anything on your phone that you don't want in the tabloids.

=== Bringing the Heat [3.07] ===
:'''Nico''': Dr. Santino responds to one thing: honesty.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dani''': There's no cure in therapy.

=== The Game's Afoot [3.08] ===
:'''Connor''': That boy's got some balls, doesn't he? Too bad I'm going to cut them off.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dani''': What am I suppose to do while you're tracking him down? Just skip on back to the Death Star like it's Disneyland?

=== Sucker Punch [3.09] ===
:'''Connor''': The person who bites the hand that feeds them licks the boot that kicks them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connor''': Fast and furious, my friend. That is what we offer.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dani''': You've certainly come to the right place because I do love me a fight.

=== Sympathy for the Devil [3.10] ===
:'''Connor''': Can I make you a drink, Santino?
:'''Dani''': You already did. Kool-Aid.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connor''': If you want to get to the top of the mountain, you've got to break some rules.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dani''': You know that expression &quot;Love is blind.&quot;
:'''TK''': Then I must be the Stevie Wonder of romance.

== Cast ==
* [[w: Callie Thorne|Callie Thorne]] - Dr. Danielle &quot;Dani&quot; Santino
* [[w: Marc Blucas|Marc Blucas]] - Matthew Donnally
* [[w: Mehcad Brooks|Mehcad Brooks]] - Terrance &quot;T.K.&quot; King
* [[w: Scott Cohen|Scott Cohen]] - Nico Carales
* [[w: Craig Bierko|Craig Bierko]] - Ray Santino
* Patrick Johnson - Ray &quot;Ray Jay&quot; Santino Jr.
* [[w: Hannah Marks|Hannah Marks]] - Lindsay Santino
* [[w: Concetta Tomei|Concetta Tomei]] - Angela
* [[w: Amanda Detmer|Amanda Detmer]] - Jeanette
* [[w: Gregory Alan Williams|Gregory Alan Williams]] - Coach Purnell

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|1657505|Necessary Roughness}}
* [http://www.usanetwork.com/series/necessaryroughness/ Official website]

[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:2010s American drama TV shows]]
[[Category:USA shows]]</text>
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    <title>Wilfred (American TV series)</title>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:15:06Z</timestamp>
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      <text bytes="36896" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Wilfred (American TV series)|Wilfred]]''''' (2011–2014) is an American [[w:Black comedy|dark comedy]] television series which debuted on June 23, 2011. Based on the Australian [[w:SBS One|SBS One]] series [[w:Wilfred (TV series)|of the same name]], the series stars [[Elijah Wood]] along with series co-creator [[w:Jason Gann|Jason Gann]], reprising his role of the eponymous dog Wilfred. The series was adapted for the American television channel [[w:FX (TV channel)|FX]] by ''[[Family Guy]]'' veteran [[w:David Zuckerman|David Zuckerman]].

== Season 1 ==
=== ''Happiness'' [1.01] ===
:'''Opening quote''': &quot;Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.&quot; - [[Mark Twain]]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ryan''': ''[smiling]'' Nailed it. ''[saves the third draft of his suicide letter]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': ''[appearing to Ryan as a man in a dog suit, rather than an actual dog]'' Very nice. Some sofas it is impossible to get comfortable on.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ryan''': ''[speaking to his sister about the job she has arranged for him]'' Do you really think working in contract administration will make me happy?
:'''Kristen''': You think I love squeezing out babies twenty-four seven? Nobody’s happy. It's all about perception.
:''[Ryan looks back at Wilfred]''
:'''Wilfred''': Don't worry, I ain't gonna bite you. I can smell your fear like I can smell the sour milk in your fridge. I'm seven years old, and too wise for lies. ''[smokes from a homemade water bong]'' You're not going to work today, Ryan. ''[passes a toke]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Ryan wakes up to Wilfred digging a hole in his back yard]''
:'''Wilfred''': It's anxiety. Jenna's been away too long. She's a goner, I'm sure of it. She's probably choked on piece of lego or something

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Wilfred and Ryan have just broken into their noisy neighbor Spencer's house, stolen his marijuana plants, and defecates in his boots]''
:'''Wilfred''': ''[to Ryan]'' When was the last time you ever felt this good? It's called living, mate. Trust your instincts. No more doubt. No fear. Welcome to your new life.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''Trust'' [1.02] ===
:'''Opening quote''': &quot;Trust thyself only, and another shall not betray thee.&quot; - [[Thomas Fuller]]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wilfred''': ''[to Ryan]'' Everything has to do with everything.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''Fear'' [1.03] ===
:'''Opening quote''': &quot;Fear has its uses but cowardice has none.&quot; - [[Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi|Mahatma Ghandi]]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': ''[referring to an Indian neighbor]'' It's not like I was gonna bite her. Last time I had Indian, it gave me the shits for a week!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': ''[referring to Spencer, whose house Ryan and Wilfred had broken into and whose boots they had defecated in]'' That motorcycle dick is ruining the neighborhood. You need to put that asshole in his place.
:'''Ryan''': What's the point of a confrontation? I'd just get my ass kicked.
:'''Wilfred''': So what? That'd be less painful than walking around in constant fear.
:'''Ryan''': What would you suggest I do?
:'''Wilfred''': March over there, look him straight in the eyes, and say, &quot;I'm the man who shat in your boot.&quot; And bend him over and root him right up the ass.
:'''Ryan''': ''[perplexed]'' You want me to have sex with him?
:'''Wilfred''': It's called domination. That's how dogs handle it and, believe me, it's very effective.
:'''Ryan''': ''[shocked]'' And have you done this with another dog?
:'''Wilfred''': Every goddamn day.
:'''Ryan''': I can't imagine a scenario in which I would do something like that.
:'''Wilfred''': ''[shrugging]'' Well, then you have no imagination.
:'''Ryan''': ''[talking to a dog]'' If only that were true.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ryan''': ''[referring to Spencer]'' Why the ''hell'' would you leave my wallet outside his window?
:'''Wilfred''': I don't know, Ryan. Why is the sky grey? Why is the grass grey? Why is a rainbow grey, grey, grey, grey, grey and infra-grey?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': A bone? That's like giving a basketball to a black guy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''Acceptance'' [1.04] ===
:'''Opening quote''': &quot;Happiness can exist only in acceptance.&quot; - [[George Orwell]]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': ''[after Ryan tells him he can't do a band practice meeting due to going to help his sister]'' You're breaking up the band. I can't believe it!
:'''Ryan''': Calm down!
:'''Wilfred''': Yeah, that's what [[John Lennon]] said before he ran off and got nude with [[Yoko Ono|that Asian bitch]]!
:'''Ryan''': Don't be racist.
:'''Wilfred''': How can I be racist? I'm incapable of seeing color.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': Kristen's always busting balls. Why doesn't she try licking them?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''Respect'' [1.05] ===
:'''Opening quote''': &quot;Seek respect mainly from thyself, for it comes first from within.&quot; - Steven H. Coogler
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': Come on, mate. Give us a bit of that gouda I'm smelling.
:'''Ryan''': Wilfred, no, you can't have cheese.
:'''Wilfred''': Well what am I supposed to eat? The grass down here tastes like shit... and the shit tastes like grass!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:''[Ryan has just been mistaken for a homeless person]''
:'''Ryan''': Do I look homeless?
:'''Wilfred''': Well you ''are'' talking to a dog.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Lisa''': ''[to Ryan]'' These people are ready to die. Hope is the last thing they need.
:'''Wilfred''': A coffin is the last thing they need. Up top!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': Admit it, Ryan. You're not gettin' any satisfaction out of this. You're only here so Jenna and everyone will think you're a do-gooder.
:'''Ryan''': Yeah, okay. I want to be admired. I want people to think I'm a good person like that douchebag in the park.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Nurse''': That dog needs to go back where it came from.
:'''Wilfred''': Why don't ''you'' go back where ''you'' came from?! Right over there, where you were standing, before you came over here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Ryan''': Well, here we are.
:'''Wilfred''': Woah! You said we were going for a walk. A walk, Ryan - which by definition means 'no destination'! Even a cat knows that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''Conscience'' [1.06] ===
:'''Opening quote''': &quot;Conscience is the dog that can't bite, but never stops barking.&quot; - Proverb
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ryan''': What is the one thing that Jenna hates most about Drew.
:'''Wilfred''': The vaginal tearing from his huge cock.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Ryan''': He's a sore loser. Look, all I have to do is beat him at something, and make sure Jenna's there to see him lose his shit.
:'''Wilfred''': That's the stupidest, most ridiculous... Actually, that's pretty good. But there's one problem. Drew's a born winner, and you're... you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Ryan''': Behold... The instrument of Drew's destruction. Bzzmm... My ping pong paddle from when I was all state table tennis champion.
:'''Wilfred''': So, chemistry, baking and ping pong. I guess my only question is, why were you not blowjobbed to death by the entire cheerleading squad?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''Pride'' [1.07] ===
:'''Opening quote''': &quot;In general, pride is at the bottom of all great mistakes.&quot; - Steven H. Coogler
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': Now that I've met Raffie, how can I go back to bear? I mean bear did put me through obedience school, but does that mean I have to be unhappy for the rest of my life?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': I don't know, Ryan. Sometimes I get the feeling that maybe Bear isn't the one.
:'''Ryan''': Maybe you need to spice things up. Take Bear to a nice restaurant.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Ryan''': May I speak with you? Privately.
:'''Wilfred''': Anything you wanna say to me, you can say in front of Bear.
:'''Ryan''': Okay. So, last night at Beth's...
:'''Wilfred''': Woah! Let's take it upstairs. Not cool, dude!
:'''Ryan''': You said I could say anything. I assumed it was an open relationship.
:'''Wilfred''': It is! But Bear doesn't know that!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''Anger'' [1.08] ===
:'''Opening quote''': &quot;Anger as soon as fed is dead -- tis starving makes it fat.&quot; - [[Emily Dickinson]]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': Sneakers is no one huh? Do you usually buy priceless jewelry for no one? Imitation, colored glass. Plastic painted to look like metal. This isn't some cheap made in China knock-off. This is made in Taiwan. You bastard! Keeping another dog on the side are ya?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': Ryan, anger is like herpes. You're not meant to keep it to yourself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': Ryan, remember when I told you a few weeks ago that you are a total pussy? Well I just wanted to apologize for not emphasizing that enough.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''Compassion'' [1.09] ===
:'''Opening quote''': &quot;Make no judgements where you have no compassion.&quot; - Anne McCaffrey

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ryan''': I'm not crazy!
:'''Wilfred''': Said the man to the dog.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Ryan''': You son of a bitch!
:'''Wilfred''': How is that an insult? I've never understood that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Ryan''': Eat shit! Eat shit!
:'''Wilfred''': Again, your tone says insult, but what I'm hearing is a tempting offer.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred''':  Do you know what this is?
:'''Ryan''': Let me guess, the length of my dick?
:'''Wilfred''': No, it's the amount of compassion you've shown towards your mum...and the length of your dick. They happened to be equal in this case. It doesn't happen often, but it's pretty cool when this shit lines up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': For a guy who once tried to kill himself, you don't have a whole lot of compassion.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''Isolation'' [1.10] ===
:'''Opening quote''': &quot;Isolation is a self-defeating dream.&quot; - Carlos Salinas de Gortari
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': Turn your back on the pack, and the pack will turn on you. Any dog would tell you that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Ryan''': I would never..
:'''Wilfred''': Never what? Shit in your neighbor's boot? Have sex with a stuffed giraffe in front of a small child? You'd be surprised what we're capable of once we put our mind to it.
:'''Ryan''': Our mind?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': [about Trashface] He got what he wanted.
:'''Ryan''': To be remembered as a dead homeless junkie who stole their stuff?
:'''Wilfred''': Exactly. To be remembered.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Mr. Patel''': My friend, I feel great shame for accusing you unjustly. I will not sleep well tonight, but tomorrow during the day I'll take a long nap.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''Doubt'' [1.11] ===
:'''Opening quote''': &quot;Doubt must be no more than vigilance, otherwise it can become dangerous.&quot; - [[Georg Christoph Lichtenberg|George C. Lichtenberg]]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ryan''': I wasn't going to tell you, because you've been acting so negative lately, but I'm going on a date tomorrow night.		
:'''Wilfred''': ''[mockingly]'' A date? With who?		
:'''Ryan''': ''[nervously]'' No one. Just... someone I met.		
:'''Wilfred''': Met where?		
:'''Ryan''': Well, I...	''[glances towards his laptop]''	
:''[Wilfred runs over to the laptop and opens it]''
:'''Ryan''': ''[haltingly]'' No.		
:'''Wilfred''': &quot;LoveMatchDating.com&quot;?	
:'''Wilfred''': Oh, my God!		
:'''Wilfred''': Please tell me that donkey-faced thing with the braces is not the chick you're going out with.		
:'''Ryan''' (protesting): She doesn't have braces!		
:'''Wilfred''': Yeah, you just can't see them, cause they're probably on her legs. How do you think she supports that massive donkey face?		
:'''Ryan''': I think she's a great match for me.		
:'''Ryan''': She's a partner at a marketing firm, she enjoys fitness, and she's looking for a long-term relationship.		
:'''Wilfred''': It's way too soon for that. Let me find you a nice 'hit-it-and-quit-it' chick.		
:''[Wilfred sits on the couch and browses through profiles on the website.]''
:'''Wilfred''': Gross. Out of your league. Lazy eye. Balding Asian grandmother. Gross! Ooh! Here we go. ''[showing the page to Ryan]'' &quot;Angelique&quot;!	
:'''Ryan''' (shocked/disgusted): Are you kidding?		
:'''Wilfred''': Are '''you''' kidding? &quot;Favorite music: all types.&quot; This chick must be, like, an expert in music!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ryan''': Wilfred... This thing we have. The way we communicate. Have you ever had this sort of relationship with anyone else?		
:'''Wilfred''': Why do you ask?
:'''Ryan''' Have you?
:'''Wilfred''': It happened once before. I was at a party. And this guy looked right at me and said: &quot;Hey! What's up, dog? I see you. And I know what you're up to.&quot; And I said, &quot;well, I see you too. If you got something to say, say it.&quot; Turns out he was talking to the guy right behind me, who had been banging his wife. Ryan, please tell me there's not been a guy standing right behind me ever since we've met?
:'''Ryan''': So nobody else?		
:'''Wilfred''': You're one of a kind, Ryan.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ryan''': I really think I'm gonna be alright.		
:'''Wilfred''': Of course you are. I'm not going anywhere.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Bruce''': You convinced me to make out with my own father.
:'''Wilfred''': Everybody at the party loved it. They thought it was edgy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Bruce''': Wilfred ruined my life, and you know what? You're next.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': What did you do with my hair? I distinctly remember leaving it right here, all over the place.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''Sacrifice'' [1.12] ===
:'''Opening quote''': &quot;Love is a willingness to sacrifice.&quot; - [[Michael Novak]]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': I swear, it's like as soon as you take the dick out of Bears mouth it's just blah blah blah (making a talking hand gesture)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Ryan''': Just because I'm leaving doesn't mean we can't still be friends.
:'''Wilfred''': Friends? What, you thought we were actually...[laughs] That is hilarious. And a little embarrassing for you, because I never really saw us like that.
:'''Mr. Patel''': How much for this piece of shit flatscreen TV?
:'''Wilfred''': You're selling the TV? That's the cornerstone of our friendship!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': Ryan, I've always had your best interest at heart, and I've never asked for anything in return...except for a bunch of stuff.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Jenna''': Wilfred pooped on your lawn.
:'''Wilfred''': There is symbolism in that poop Ryan...and some grass...and half a slipper.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Ryan''': I was gonna get it on Kindle, but then people couldn't see how deep I am.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''Identity'' [1.13] ===
:'''Opening quote''': &quot;The value of identity is that so often with it comes purpose.&quot; - [[Richard R. Grant]]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ryan''' What are you doing?
:'''Wilfred''' I'm writing my will. After I'm gone, I don't want you and Bear fighting over my shit. Or any of my other stuff.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Ryan''' (concerned): Who are you? What are you? WHY are you?
:'''Wilfred''' (whispering/preoccupied): I can't tell you.
:'''Ryan''': Why not?
:'''Wilfred''' (whispering): They are listening.
:'''Ryan''' (confused): What?
''[Wilfred shhes Ryan and covers his mouth, while looking around concerned as if someone was listening. Still worried, Wilfred turns on the stereo to some smooth jazz.]''
:'''Wilfred''' (serious): Are you sure you want to know?
:'''Ryan''': Yes. Is this a joke?
:'''Wilfred''': It's not. Ryan, remember the night before we met, the pills you took?
:'''Ryan''': Yes.
:'''Wilfred''': They worked mate.
:'''Wilfred''': I'm sorry Ryan. They worked. Must have noticed things here are, different. Shit's a little off. Right?
:'''Ryan''' (wispering/totally worried): Am I...?
:'''Wilfred''': No. You're somewhere in between. Your future depends on the outcome of that settlement, meeting, tomorrow. If Jenna gets her job back, you get to move on.
:'''Ryan''': So none of this is really happening?
:'''Wilfred''': Everything on the island is real, the rest is an illusion.
:'''Ryan''' (speaking up): What island?
:'''Wilfred''': Ah, forget that last bit.
:'''Ryan''' (screaming): Wilfred!
''[Wilfred looks around and crouches, acting as if in danger]''
:'''Wilfred''': Shh. Smoke monster!
''[Ryan turns off the music]''
:'''Ryan''': I've seen Lost, Wilfred.
:'''Wilfred''': What did you think of the ending?
:'''Ryan''' (annoyed): Why can't I get a straight answer out of you?
:'''Wilfred''': Come on, Ryan. These are big existential questions, best left for boring Russian novelist and teenagers on acid. Real people don't think about this shit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': Very clever, Ryan.
:'''Ryan''': Figured out my plan, didn't you?
''[Ryan pulls out a bubble blower while speaking with Wilfred.]''
:'''Wilfred''': No. But if you think I'm just going to stand by and watch you...
''[Ryan blows, making bubbles all over.]''
:'''Wilfred''' (childishly): Bubbles!! One, two, three...
''[Wilfred runs around bursting bubbles and counting them]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Ryan''': This is nothing compared to some of the shit you've pulled.
:'''Wilfred''': Yeah, but you're not me! You're a good person! And you're a person!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Ryan''': I know why you're here now, to stop me from slipping down that slope. Please Wilfred, I need you to pull me back up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': I hope you're proud of yourself Ryan. I'm gonna be up all night licking Jenna's tears. Do you know what all that sodium's gonna do to my blood pressure?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': I don't know what you're up to Ryan, but I've got my nose and ears on you...and my eyes too, I guess, but frankly my vision's pretty shitty.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': Ignorance is 9/10 of the law.
:'''Ryan''': That's possession.
:'''Wilfred''': She wasn't charged with possession Ryan. I thought you were a good lawyer.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

==Season 2==
=== ''Progress'' [2.01] ===
:'''Opening quote''': &quot;Discontent is the first necessity of progress.&quot; - [[Thomas Edison]]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Dr. Eddy''': It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault.
:'''Ryan''': Wait, that's from Good Will Hunting. Holy Shit, you're Robin Williams.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Ryan''': Apparently for the better part of three months, I was sitting in a coat closet getting baked with a dog.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': Do you know why dogs dig?
:'''Ryan''': Because they're searching for bones?
:'''Wilfred''': Because we're searching for truth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Ryan''': It said &quot;wake up,&quot; which is weird because I read somewhere that people can't read while they're dreaming.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''Letting Go'' [2.02] ===
:'''Opening quote''': &quot;Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.&quot; - [[Herman Hesse]]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': You see what it says there? Participant. Do you think they give one of those to every dog who takes part in the competition?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': We get it, Beans. We all know you got tasty balls. No need to flaunt it. Jesus, is there no limits to this guy's arrogance?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': Oh typical. Won't even shlob this guy's nob to help a friend get steroids. You selfish prick.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': I have a strict policy against taking any drug that's not illegal. They're never strong enough.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Ryan''': Drew says that it helps you achieve maximum core rippage.
:'''Wilfred''': That's just the kinda rippage I need.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': See what I did there? I got super tired, stopped running, and started dry heaving. I've gotta not do that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Ryan''': Was he pissed off about something?
:'''Wilfred''': Drew drives hard. Dude's confident behind the wheel.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Ryan''': Mustard stains are the new black

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Amanda''': You know what, I don't get it. I've calculated my facial proportions and I'm 94% symmetrical, which according to the index is borderline hot. And I dressed up this boring old lab coat with a quirky Japanese robot pin, so you know I'm fun. And everyone in the office already knows I am a total sex addict.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': I remember you, Ryan. Memory is like the Packers when they're behind by two touchdowns in the fourth quarter...it comes back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''Dignity'' [2.03] ===
:'''Opening quote''': &quot;Let not a man guard his dignity but let his dignity guard him.&quot; - [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': Those idiots wouldn't know adorable if it cornered them in a holding cell and raped them with a plunger handle. That reminds me; Bear could you pick up a plunger before our next date night?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Jeremy''': Tomorrow. Possible?
:'''Wilfred''': You, not being a d**k. Possible?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Jeremy''': If those clowns come up with a cure for lung cancer it is going to be a sad, sad day.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': I'm an office dog. It's my duty to entertain and amuse, and if I can't do it they'll bring in some foosball table who can!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Amanda''': I only huff the good stuff. I'm kind of keyboard cleaner snob.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': So you're just going to leave me in that thing? Like some guy caged up like some animal?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': One man's trash is another man's feng shui. That's why I left that pool of yellow water by the southeast door.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''Guilt'' [2.04] ===
:'''Opening quote''': &quot;Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.&quot; - [[Erma Bombeck]]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': How many innocent babies have to survive before we put an end to this senseless nurturing?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': How did you scale that giant wall? That's impossible. Are you secretly some sort of magical other worldly entity? Cause I'd tell you if I was.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Ryan''': I'm the worst brother ever.
:'''Wilfred''': Worst brother ever? Did you ever convince the other siblings in your litter to eat your own sister because she was born with no eyes? Cause I did that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': Do I have a spare d**kfor? What's a d**k for?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': There's a war out there, Ryan, a war between dogs and babies...and you brought it to our door step.
:'''Ryan''': You're at war with babies? Over what?
:'''Wilfred''': Why do any great civilizations go to war? To see who's cutest.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''Now'' [2.05] ===
:'''Opening quote''': &quot;Be here now.&quot; - [[Ram Dass]]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kevin:''': Warner's gonna join us whenever he feels like it. That's one of the things about being rich; you get to treat everybody else like shit. I can't wait.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred:''': There's darkness everywhere, Ryan. You just can't see because the sun is such an attention whore.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred:''': Wipe that smirk off your face and listen to this Kant.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred:''': Jesus, put down the bong and pick up a book.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred:''': So when Jenna leaves the house and I can't see her anymore, she doesn't cease to exist, she's just somewhere else? No, no, no, no. That's just crazy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Ryan:''': Read a book or something
:'''Wilfred:''': A book? Yeah right. Maybe if it had pictures...that moved...and sound...and Matt Damon in it...and in the middle of the movie Matt Damon'd be like (makes gun noises)...now there's a book I'd like to read.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred:''': I've heard of trauma causing blindness, like when Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles walked in on each other masturbating

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''Control'' [2.06] ===
:'''Opening quote''': &quot;The master understands that the universe is forever out of control.&quot; - [[Lao Tzu]]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': Look, you and I both know the paper swan can't actually talk to Bear, but if it helps Bear that's all that matters.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Amanda''': Stay out of this squish tits!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': Everyone knows the great dane's preferred method of attack is to pin down and slobber on. Coincidentally, that's also Drew's preferred method of love making.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': Bear stole that button off Amanda's coat. When Bear drinks he loses all impulse control.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': I brought dessert! I found it in the most charming little French bakery's dumpster

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Bear''': ...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''Avoidance'' [2.07] ===
:'''Opening quote''': &quot;Our biggest problems arise from the avoidance of smaller ones.&quot; - Jeremy Caulfield
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ryan''': God damn it Wilfred, I will not let you ejaculate all over me again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Ryan''': I could totally pass as Harry Potter.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Ryan''': Why don't you ask your best friend Dennis?
:'''Wilfred''': Ryan, I have a confession to make. Dennis will be out of town this weekend also.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Ryan''': We decided to leave and start our own boutique law firm together.
:'''Wilfred''': Boutique? So you'd represent jewelry and effeminate trinkets and such?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''Truth'' [2.08] ===
:'''Opening quote''': &quot;The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable.&quot; - [[James A. Garfield]]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': Why do you think no dogs died in the Holocaust? Because we knew it was coming.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': Ryan, do you have any more rice?
:'''Ryan''': How much do you need?
:'''Wilfred''': 100 pounds should do it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': Ryan, you're buried under a box of secrets with a talking dog in a basement that may not even exist.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': That's how long you've been down in your basement playing a pointless game with your neighbor's dog and his, well, Bruce

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''Service'' [2.09] ===
:'''Opening quote''': &quot;The thing that lies at the foundation of positive change is service to a fellow human being.&quot; - [[Lee Iacocca]]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': For God's sake, go participate in the most beautiful experience life has to offer even if it means looking directly into your own sister's slop hole.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': Mexico? You know they eat dogs down there?
:'''Ryan''': They do not.
:'''Wilfred''': What, you don't think Mexico City has a Korea Town?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': Ryan, I know the timing couldn't possibly be any worse, but I think someone might have dug up Mittens and eaten part of the corpse.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': Remember when I mauled that Black teenager's face the other day? You think I did that because he had ice cream on his face? No. I did it because I hoped it would help him go on to be the next Seal.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': I don't want to cast a darker shadow on an already tragic day, but I think someone may have eaten part of Jeremy's brains.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''Honesty'' [2.10] ===
:'''Opening quote''': &quot;Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway.&quot; - [[Mother Teresa]]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ryan''': I'm returning the cats. There's no reason to keep them.
:'''Wilfred''': Dude, I was literally just about to kill them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Ryan''': I will not rest until every cat in Venice is dead. And then I will move to my ultimate goal of making earrings out of the bronze testicles of every postal worker in the greater Los Angeles area.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': Imagine how hilarious I'd look wearing a full-bodied animal suit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Ryan''': Maybe there will be a feel good ending, like all the cats are found safe.
:'''Wilfred''': Or sex-butchered by a psychopath.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Ryan''': Wilfred, these are pets. People will be looking for them.
:'''Wilfred''': They're cats Ryan. No one cares.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': Do you remember the scratch on my face, Ryan?
:'''Ryan''': The one that's still there? Yes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''Questions'' [2.11] ===
:'''Opening quote''': &quot;If you do not ask the right questions, you do not get the right answers.&quot; - Edward Hodnett
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Red Wolf''': All that you see here are creations of your own mind. Perhaps that is why I am such a stereotype.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Ryan''': We need to get to a hospital.
:'''Wilfred''': Come on Ryan, Bear doesn't have insurance.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': What about your boss's suicide? I mean someone ate his brains. That's twisted. Did they find who did that, by the way?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''Resentment'' [2.12] ===
:'''Opening quote''': &quot;Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.&quot; - Malachy McCourt
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': I just watched Jenna take it in the hands from every guy in the neighborhood.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Ryan''': Are you telling me you've never smelled another dog on Jenna's hands?
:'''Wilfred''': Well yeah but that's just from her pushing other dogs away.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': Being happy is just like being gay. It's a choice, that's why they mean the same thing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''Secrets'' [2.13] ===
:'''Opening quote''': &quot;If we knew each other's secrets, what comfort should we find.&quot; - John Churton Collins
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Wilfred''': You're not crazier than anybody else.
:'''Ryan''': Said the dog to the man.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Wilfred''':(to Ryan) Without you I have no purpose. I'm nothing. It's like I don't even exist.

== Season 3 ==

=== ''Uncertainty'' [3.1] ===

:'''Opening quote''': &quot;The mistake is thinking that there can be an antidote to the uncertainty.&quot; - [[David Levithan]]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ryan''': Whoever lives in Sacramento probably owned you as a puppy, which means we can prove you were actually born. Therefore, I'm crazy.
:'''Wilfred''': If you really think you're crazy, then why do you feel the need to prove it to me?
:'''Ryan''': Maybe you're the part of my brain that's so crazy it wouldn't allow me to accept that I'm crazy.
:'''Wilfred''': Ugh, you're so crazy.

=== ''Comfort'' [3.2] ===

:'''Opening quote''': &quot;Cure sometimes, treat often, comfort always.&quot; - [[Hippocrates]]

=== ''Suspicion'' [3.3] ===

:'''Opening quote''': &quot;Suspicion is a heavy armor and with its weight it impedes more than it protects.&quot; - [[Robert Burns]]

=== ''Sincerity'' [3.4] ===

:'''Opening quote''': &quot;Sincerity, even if it speaks with a stutter, will sound eloquent when inspired.&quot; - [[Eiji Yoshikawa]]

=== ''Shame'' [3.5] ===

:'''Opening quote''': &quot;I have little shame, no dignity - all in the name of a better cause.&quot; - [[A.J. Jacobs]]

=== ''Delusion'' [3.6] ===

:'''Opening quote''': &quot;Truth may sometimes hurt, but delusion harms.&quot; - [[Vanna Bonta]]

=== ''Intuition'' [3.7] ===

:'''Opening quote''': &quot;Intuition is more important to discovery than logic.&quot; - [[Henri Poincaré]]

=== ''Perspective'' [3.8] ===

:'''Opening quote''': &quot;How weird was it to drive streets I knew so well. What a different perspective.&quot; - [[Suzanne Vega]]

=== ''Confrontation'' [3.9] ===

:'''Opening quote''': &quot;There can be no progress without head-on confrontation.&quot; - [[Christopher Hitchens]]

=== &quot;Distance&quot; [3.10] ===

:'''Opening quote''': &quot;Sometimes it's necessary to go a long distance out of the way to come back a short distance correctly.&quot; - [[Edward Albee]]

=== &quot;Stagnation&quot; [3.11] ===

:'''Opening quote''': &quot;Stagnation is death. If you don't change, you die. It's that simple. It's that scary.&quot; - [[Leonard Sweet]]

=== &quot;Heroism&quot; [3.12] ===

:'''Opening quote''': &quot;In my opinion, actual heroism, like actual love, is a messy, painful, vulnerable business.&quot; - [[John Green]]

=== ''Regrets'' [3.13] ===

:'''Opening quote''': &quot;Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets.&quot; - 「[[Arthur Miller]]」

== Season 4 ==
===''Amends'' [4.01] ===
:'''Opening quote''': &quot;If you have behaved badly, repent, make what amends you can and address yourself to the task of behaving better next time.&quot; - [[Aldous Huxley]]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

===Consequences [4.02]===
:'''Opening quote''': &quot;Sooner or later everyone sits down to a banquet of consequences.&quot; -[[Robert Louis Stevenson]]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

===''Loyalty'' [4.03] ===
:'''Opening quote''': &quot;We are all in the same boat, in a stormy sea, and we owe each other a terrible loyalty&quot; - [[G.K. Chesterton]]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

===''Answers'' [4.04] ===
:'''Opening quote''': &quot;In our quest for the answers of life we tend to make order out of chaos, and chaos out of order.&quot; - [[Jeffery Fry]]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

===''Forward'' [4.05] ===
:'''Opening quote''': &quot;There are many ways of going forward, but only one way of standing still.&quot; - [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

===''Patterns'' [4.06] ===
:'''Opening quote''': &quot;Truth is outside of all patterns.&quot; - [[Bruce Lee]]

===''Responsibility'' [4.07] ===
:'''Opening quote''': &quot;By imposing too great a responsibility, or rather, all responsibility, on yourself, you crush yourself.&quot; - [[Franz Kafka]]

===''Courage'' [4.08] ===
:'''Opening quote''': &quot;How few there are who have courage enough to own their faults, or resolution enough to mend them.&quot; - [[Benjamin Franklin]]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ryan''': There's something I need to tell you.
:'''Jenna''': I know, we were both fragile and caught up in the emotion.
:'''Ryan''': No. I love you. I always have. And if you don't feel the same, that's okay.
:'''Jenna''': I do feel the same. And I know I've hurt you in the past, but that's not gonna happen this time. I know what I want now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Wilfred''': You and Jenna had sex, I know. I can smell her all over you.
:'''Ryan''': Are you okay with that?
:'''Wilfred''': Just tell me one thing. Did it happen before or after you found out I was dying?
:'''Ryan''': So you know.
:'''Wilfred''': I was pretty sure. Just had a feeling.
:'''Ryan''': Wilfred, I'm so sorry.
:'''Wilfred''': Just answer my question. Before or after?
:'''Ryan''': Well, after, but it's not how it sounds. We were just so upset about you, and we... It just happened. Please don't be mad.
:'''Wilfred''': ''[laughing]'' &quot;Mad&quot;? I'm not mad.
:'''Ryan''': I don't understand.
:'''Wilfred''': I've brought you and Jenna together. I led you to happiness. Don't you see? This proves it. Now I know for sure. I am a god.

===''Resistance'' [4.09] ===
:'''Opening quote:''' &quot;Resistance is useless.&quot; Dr. Who
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

===''Happiness'' [4.10] ===
:'''Opening Quote''': &quot;Happiness does not depend on outward things, but on the way we see them.&quot;—Leo Tolstoy
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

== Cast ==
&lt;!-- Only enter the main cast, not recurring or guest stars --&gt;
* [[Elijah Wood]] - Ryan
* [[w:Jason Gann|Jason Gann]] - Wilfred
* Fiona Gubelmann - Jenna
* Dorian Brown - Kristen

===Special guest===
* [[Mary Steenburgen]] (seasons 1–3) / [[w:Mimi Rogers|Mimi Rogers]] (season 4) as Catherine
* [[w:Dwight Yoakam|Dwight Yoakam]] (seasons 1–3) / [[William Baldwin]] (season 4) as Bruce
* [[w:Ethan Suplee|Ethan Suplee]] - Spencer (season 1)
* [[w:Ed Helms|Ed Helms]] as Darryl (season 1)
* [[w:Jane Kaczmarek|Jane Kaczmarek]] - Beth (season 1)
* [[w:John Michael Higgins|John Michael Higgins]] - Dr. Cahill (seasons 2 &amp; 4; guest season 1)
* [[w:Allison Mack|Allison Mack]] - Amanda (seasons 2 &amp; 4)
* [[Robin Williams]] - Dr. Eddy (credited) / himself (uncredited) (season 2)
* [[Brad Dourif]] - P.T. (season 2)
* [[w:James Remar|James Remar]] - Henry (seasons 3–4)
* [[w:Kristen Schaal|Kristen Schaal]] - Anne (season 3)
* [[w:Angela Kinsey|Angela Kinsey]] - Heather (season 3)
* [[w:Gina Gershon|Gina Gershon]] - Gloria (season 3)
* [[w:Barry Watson (actor)|Barry Watson]] - Michael McDerry (season 3)
* [[w:Rutger Hauer|Rutger Hauer]] - Dr. Grummons (season 4)
* [[Tobin Bell]] - Charles (season 4)

===Recurring===
* [[w:Chris Klein (actor)|Chris Klein]] - Drew
* Rodney To - Dr. Bangachon
* [[w:Gerry Bednob|Gerry Bednob]] - Mr. Patel (season 1; guest season 3)
* [[w:J. P. Manoux|J. P. Manoux]] - Leo (season 1)
* [[w:Rob Riggle|Rob Riggle]] - Kevin (season 2)
* [[w:Steven Weber (actor)|Steven Weber]] - Jeremy (season 2)
* [[w:Harriet Sansom Harris|Harriet Sansom Harris]] - Lonnie Goldsmith (season 4)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title|1703925|Wilfred}}

[[Category:2010s American black comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American comedy-drama TV shows]]
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[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
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    <title>The Cleveland Show/Season 3</title>
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----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[The Cleveland Show/Season 1|1]] [[The Cleveland Show/Season 2|2]] [[The Cleveland Show/Season 3|3]] [[The Cleveland Show/Season 4|4]] | [[The Cleveland Show|Main]]
----
'''''[[w:The Cleveland Show|The Cleveland Show]]''''' was an American animated sitcom created by Seth MacFarlane, Richard Appel, and Mike Henry for the Fox Broadcasting Company as a spin-off of Family Guy. The series centers on the Browns and Tubbs, two dysfunctional families consisting of parents Cleveland Brown and Donna Tubbs and their children Cleveland Brown, Jr., Roberta Tubbs, and Rallo Tubbs. Similar to ''Family Guy'', it exhibits much of its humor in the form of cutaway gags that often lampoon American culture.

===''[[w:BFFs (The Cleveland Show)|BFFs]]''===
:''[Cleveland returns to Quahog and rings the Griffins' doorbell. Brian is heard barking]''
:'''Stewie''': ''[from inside the house]'' Hey, get back! Get back! Go to your crate! Brian, go to your crate!
:'''Brian''': ''[from inside the house]'' I don't have a crate, I've ''never'' had a crate.
:'''Stewie''': You ''should''. You'd feel safer there.
:''[Cleveland rings the doorbell again]''
:'''Brian''': Who is it, Stewie?
:''[the curtain is the window is pulled back a little]''
:'''Stewie''': Some black guy.
:'''Brian''': Uh, we don't want any candy bars.
:'''Stewie''': Or magazines.
:'''Cleveland''': Brian, it's Cleveland.
:'''Brian''': Oh. Hi, Cleveland.
:'''Stewie''': Has he been cancelled already? He doesn't just get to come back!
:'''Cleveland''': Is Peter home?
:'''Brian''': He...is...''[whispering to Stewie]'' It's Cleveland!...''[out loud, to Cleveland]''...not.
:'''Cleveland''': Did he say when he'd be back?
:'''Brian''': No....uh...vember.

&lt;hr width=60%&gt;
:''[Peter is seen sneaking into his car and tries to get away from Cleveland]''
:'''Cleveland''': Peter!
:''[Peter runs into his car and tries to get his key]''
:'''Peter''': Come on, come on!
:'''Cleveland''': Peter, it's Cleveland! Hello! Peter, I'm standin' right here!
:'''Peter''': ''[mouthing silently]'' Fuck. ''[gets out of the car and says out loud]'' Oh. Hey, Cleveland. I didn't see you there.

&lt;hr width=60%&gt;
:'''Tim''': So, uh. Lester, wha-uh-what the-what can we expect from this?
:'''Lester''': ''[in the same intonation as &quot;I don't know&quot;]'' Mmmm. I'm not usually on the [[w:Ned Beatty|Ned Beatty]] side of this situation. Best I can guess is...ouchie in the boom boom.

&lt;hr width=60%&gt;
:'''Peter''': Leggo my negro.

&lt;hr width=60%&gt;
:'''Peter''': See, Cleveland. That's the difference between our shows. On our show, we would have shown the rape, and had a show tune about the rape.
:'''Cleveland''': And I would have just been the black guy. ''[cries]''

===''[[w:The Hurricane!|The Hurricane!]]''===

:'''Cleveland''': Of course I do, son, but Christianity makes sense: A virgin had God's baby, who then grew up to be murdered by the ''[clears throat]'' Romans, so you and I could be forgiven for Eve eating that apple she got from the talkin' snake. Three days later, Jesus rose from the dead to tell everyone he was coming back someday to fight the Devil; then he flew up to his mansion in Heaven where he sits in judgment of the gays! HOW CAN YOU NOT BELIEVE THAT?! &lt;!--9:22--&gt;
:'''Junior''': Just don't.
:'''Cleveland''': But this is a Christian home!
:'''Junior''': Then how come we never go to church?
:'''Donna''': Church is for those in need, Junior. You don't go to the doctor when you're healthy.
&lt;hr /&gt;

:'''Rallo''': I heard what you said downstairs. Heartbreaking stuff, man. It got me thinking about how much you and I have in common.
:'''Junior''': Really?
:'''Rallo''': Mm-hmm. I used to be just like you. Lost. No direction. I was a real troublemaker. Then one day, I pushed things too far. Drew on the wall with a crayon after Momma told me not to.
:'''Junior''': Oh, no.
:'''Rallo''': That was the day my luck ran out. Got put in a time out—10 to 15—mandatory minimum. That's hard time for a kid, time I'll never get back, so I prayed for forgiveness, and Jesus entered my heart and changed my life. It was divine intervention.
:'''Junior''': You drew on the wall the next day.
:'''Rallo''': In the name of the Lord. I'm talking about faith. I believe that the man who created the entire universe knows my name and cares what happens to me. Do you know what that is?
:'''Junior''': Narcissism?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Cleveland''': ''[after being hit on the head by a tree]'' And that's the way it is Friday, May 19, 1978...
:'''Donna''': Oh, no. He thinks he's [[w:Walter Cronkite|Walter Cronkite]] again!
:'''Rallo''': Man, that's some C-BS!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
:'''Junior''': No! This is what you get when you ignore the warnings of the [[w:National Weather Service|National Weather Service]] , like a dumbass, and think you can write out a hurricane!

===''[[w:Nightmare on Grace Street|Nightmare on Grace Street]]''===
:'''Rallo''': But we can't go home now.
:'''Cleveland''': You're right. Your mom and Junior will tease the dickens out of us. ''[looks off camera]'' Can we say that? Oh, okay. They'll tease the dickens out of us. ''[bumps into a table]'' Ow! Right in the dickens!

&lt;hr width=60%&gt;
:''[Cleveland pushes Donny across WD-40 fluid from Junior's costume toward the window]''
:'''Donny''': I hate black people!
:''[Donny falls out the window]''
:'''Cleveland''': Figures.

===''[[w:Skip Day (The Cleveland Show)|Skip Day]]''===
:''[Cleveland, Jr. cleans his award]''
:'''Cleveland''': Junior, I don't ever wanna see you laughed at like that again.
:''[Cleveland, Jr. trips over]''
:'''Cleveland''': ''[laughs]'' Walk much? So anyway. From this moment on, I don't want you to follow anybody else's rules. I want you to be a renegade.
:'''Cleveland, Jr.''': Okay.
:'''Cleveland''': See? That's exactly what I'm talking about. Don't say okay to everything.
:'''Cleveland, Jr.''': ''[sadly]'' Sorry.
:'''Cleveland''': And don't say sorry all the time.
:'''Cleveland, Jr.''': Okay.
:'''Cleveland''': No! Oh, forget it. Just go to bed.
:'''Cleveland, Jr.''': Okay, sorry.
:'''Cleveland''': Oh. Dang it, Junior! It's only 6:30!
:'''Cleveland, Jr.''': ''[in bed]'' I thought I seemed early.
:'''Cleveland''': Then why were you going to bed?
:'''Cleveland, Jr.''': Well, because you told me to, Daddy.
:'''Cleveland''': That's exactly why you shouldn't. Here, chug this beer.
:'''Cleveland, Jr.''': I'm not 21. Plus, I'm on allergy medication that shouldn't be mixed with alcohol. But if you say so. ''[drinks the beer, causing him to fall down and dies]''
:''[cut to the hospital]''
:'''Doctor''': I'm sorry. We did all we could. He's dead.
:'''Cleveland''': ''[sobs]'' Junior, please don't leave me!
:'''Cleveland, Jr.''': ''[gets up and is alive]'' Okay.
:'''Cleveland''': ''[angrily]'' Aah, you're hopeless!

===''[[w:Yemen Party|Yemen Party]]''===
:''[Rallo is in a costume]''
:'''Rallo''': And on this faithful day, by amalgamating the power of electricity, Rallo Tubbs will transform himself into ''[takes a fork out]'' Electro-Boy!
:''[hop and tries to stick the fork in the outlet; electricity is heard]''
:'''Cleveland''': Kids, dinner!
:'''Rallo''': Coming. ''[drops the fork, picks up scissors; screams and starts cutting]''

===''[[w:Sex and the Biddy|Sex and the Biddy]]''===
:'''Murray''': Come on, our table's back here. We already had our soup and sent back our first two courses.
:'''Rallo''': Ha! Wait, we?
:''[Hazel puts on her lipstick and puckers up]''
:'''Hazel''': Hi, Rallo. I'm so glad you could join us.
:'''Rallo''': Excuse me? What's Wrinkle-Me-Elma doing here? ''[Murray picks him up and puts him in a booster seat]'' You said it was just gonna be us.
:'''Murray''': ''[pinches and moves Hazel's cheek]'' You tell that face no.
:''[they start making out]''
:'''Rallo''': Well, I don't have an old people fetish.

===''[[w:Die Semi-Hard|Die Semi-Hard]]''===
:'''[[Bystander]] at the Nativity scene''': Jesus was white!

&lt;hr width=60%&gt;
:'''Cleveland''': Welcome to the party over here, pal.

&lt;hr width=60%&gt;
:'''Cleveland, Jr.''': Will you tell us the sequel next Christmas, Dad?
:'''Cleveland''': Let's wait and see how the internet responds to the first one.

&lt;hr width=60%&gt;
:'''Cleveland''': Scooby-dooby-Doo, motherfucker!!
:'''Lester''': I'm sorry, we didn't catch that. There was a long beep at the end of your sentence.

&lt;hr width=60%&gt;
:'''Federline''': Oh, my God, I'm the first rapper to shot! I hope this becomes a thing. 

===''[[w:Y Tu Junior Tambien|Y Tu Junior Tambien]]''===
:'''Holt''': All hot girls are crazy...but not all crazy girls are hot.

&lt;hr width=60%&gt;
:'''Chonie''': Sweet burritos and skeptical papacitos.
:'''Donna''': Oooo, I like her.

===''[[w:There Goes El Neighborhood|There Goes El Neighborhood]]''===
:''[Clevland puts a little blue football helmet next to the yellow, the red, the purple and the green]''
:'''Cleveland''': Donna, ya gotta see what I did for the superbowl party! Put some deodorant on and come in here. ''[spraying is heard]'' Both arms. 
:''[Donna continues spraying and comes down]''
:'''Donna''': Cleveland, what on earth is that?
:''[two chairs are floating above the couch]''
:'''Cleveland''': VRP Scarbucks. I'm not sitting down here with you.
:''[suddenly, they hear an earthquake]''
:'''Donna''': Oh my god! Is that the rapture?
:'''Cleveland''': No, rehearsal for the blue angel fly-over. They protect nothing.
:'''Donna''': You know, Cleveland. If you didn't spend all our money on your superbowl parties, maybe you can buy me a McMansion. Like that new one across the street. Mmm. ''[a mansion is across the street from their house]'' Killers.
:'''Cleveland''': Vulgar. It's vulgar, Donna. Do you want to be vulgar? Look, somebody's trying to break into it! ''[a burglar crawls into the window]'' Donna, call the police.
:''[Rallo has a cell phone]''
:'''Rallo''': No, man. You should do it. You sound white on the phone. They actually might come.
:''[Cleveland and a policeman, holding a flashlight walk to the mansion]''
:'''Policeman''': You sounded white on the phone.
:'''Cleveland''': Yeah, yeah, yeah. That window. ''[the policeman pulls out a gun and walks over. Cleveland whispers]'' Hey, can I hold the gun?
:'''Policeman''': Sure.
:''[Cleveland makes gun sounds]''
:'''Cleveland''': How do I look?
:'''Policeman''': Bad ass.
:''[the doors open]''
:'''Cleveland''': Freeze, dirt bag! ''[Chonie angrily walks up]'' Chonie?

===''[[w:Dancing with the Stools|Dancing with the Stools]]''===
:''[Roberta is making out with Federline]''
:'''Rallo''': Roberta...Roberta...Roberta...
:'''Roberta''': Rallo, leave us alone! Go play a video game or somethin'!
:'''Rallo''': Cool! If you need me, I'll be warming up some foil in the microwave for no reason.
:''[he leaves and as Roberta and Federline resume making out, a microwave running, an electrical shock and explosion are heard]''
:'''Rallo''': ''[off-screen]'' Wa'n' me.

===''[[w:Brown Magic|Brown Magic]]''===
:''[Donna is reading an Entertainment Weekly magazine, while Cleveland is texting]''
:'''Cleveland''' ''[laughs]'' Me and Lester are texting each other, Donna. Can you imagine him lying in bed next to Kimber. They look like the number 10. ''[laughs, sighs and gets depressed]'' I feel bad for Lester.
:'''Rallo''': Hey, guys. I got a magic trick for you.
:'''Cleveland''': Hey, hey, hey, hey. Get out of here, Rallo! How do you know we weren't doing something prizy.
:'''Rallo''': 'Cause I don't hear &quot;Celebration&quot; by Kool and the Gang Now think of a number then write it down, and only use this pen and press really hard and then rip it off and don't let me see it. ''[Cleveland writes down a number, rip the paper off and tries not to let Rallo see it. Rallo then writes a number]'' Okay, what's your number? 10?
:'''Cleveland''': Yeah. Poor Lester. You trick, Rallo. Run along to bed.
:'''Rallo''': Hold on, now. You haven't seen the incredible floating cigarette. ''[he has a cigarette hang from a string and tied to his finger]''
:'''Donna''': Rallo, where did you get that cigarette?
:'''Rallo''': Tobacco Company. Reppler's handing them out at the playground.
:'''Cleveland''': ''[to Donna]'' Smart. Now go back to bed.
:'''Rallo''': One more, one more. ''[hands out cards]'' Pick a card, any card.
:''[Cleveland picks out a card]''
:'''Cleveland''': Jack of clubs. Now go away.
:'''Rallo''': Aw, man. ''[leaves and closes the door]''
:'''Donna''': What are you so hard on that boy?
:'''Cleveland''': STEP-boy.

===''[[w:'Til Deaf|'Til Deaf]]''===
:''[a gunshot is heard as everybody runs out of The Broken Stool and screams. Lester shoots once more and misses the apple on Tim's head]''
:'''Lester''': Dang, missed again. Huh, who am I kidding? I can't hurt a healthy snack.
:'''Cleveland''': Guys, I'm not sure about the hunting trip. Haven't found the right moment to run it by Donna yet. Not like I need a permission slip or anything.
:'''Holt''': Got mine. Signed by my mom.
:''[he and Tim high-five each other]''
:'''Cleveland''': If I even mention it, she'll flip out. Something's got her all insane in the fem brain. I don't know what to do.
:'''Lester''', '''Holt''' and '''Tim''': Lie to her.
:'''Cleveland''': Okay!

&lt;hr width=60%&gt;
:'''Cleveland''': ''[deep thought]'' God, Pictonary sucks. I love not havin' to hear my family. Uh-oh – something's happening! ''[the family are already jumping happily, and Cleveland joins in]'' We're happy and jumping! Yay!

===''[[w:Das Shrimp Boot|Das Shrimp Boot]]''===
:'''Rallo''': With the Commodores, those cats are out of sight. Ya ding.
:'''Roberta''': Does everyone in this family stuck in the '70s? Can any of you name a single current rapper?
:'''Cleveland''': What's a rapper?
:'''Donna''': Oh, Cleveland. You ''are'' stuck in the '70s. They're the guys who wear the gold chains and go &quot;Whippity-bop, Flippity-bop.&quot;
:'''Cleveland''': ''[pretending he has a microphone]'' Ohh, Donna. That is fresh. Let's have some more of that.
:''[Cleveland and Donna start rap dance in front of Roberta]''
:'''Donna''': Whooly-hop, Whooly-hoo. And a woop-a-doo-lo-doo.
:'''Cleveland''': Scratch, scratch, sratch. ''[uses Roberts plate as a record]'' 
:'''Donna''': Uh-huh.
:'''Cleveland''': Don't give me no job.
:'''Donna''': Uh-huh.
:'''Cleveland''': Too bad.
:'''Donna''': Uh-huh.
:'''Cleveland''': Her bad.
:'''Donna''': I'm bad.
:''[she and Cleveland stand together]''
:'''Roberta''': Well. If we're going on a '70s cruise, I'm gonna go get unwaxed.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
: '''Announcer on Radio''': Look out for that truck.
: '''Cleveland''': Ah! TRUCK!

===''[[w:March Dadness|March Dadness]]''===
:'''Cleveland''': Yeah! Par three over here!

===''[[w:The Men in Me|The Men in Me]]''===
:'''Cleveland''': Donna, you don't think I'm the whitest black man in America. Do you?
:'''Donna''': No, honey. What does that even mean?
:'''Rallo''': May I take this? It means you were dancing like a little white girl so you could see a little white boy dance and sing for little white boys, white girls and a rainbow of pedophiles.
:'''Cleveland''': I was trying to win those tickets for Junior.
:'''Cleveland, Jr.''': Keep me out of your freak show. ''[whispers]'' I really do want to go.
:'''Roberta''': Look at you, you still say things like &quot;Party over here!&quot; and &quot;Too legit to quit!&quot;
:'''Cleveland''': Yeah, boyee!
:'''Roberta''': Gross.
:'''Rallo''': You're joke.
:'''Donna''': Stop teasing Cleveland.

&lt;hr width=60%&gt;
:''[Cleveland walks up to Barbara's house and rings the doorbell]''
:'''Barbara''': ''[gasps]'' Cleveland Brown!
:'''Cleveland''': White lady I've never seen before!
:'''Barbara''': ''[laughs]'' I thought if I raised you, Cleveland. I'm your nanny Barbara.
:'''Cleveland''': What?
:'''Barbara''': Look at you, all grown up. My Cleveland has come back to me. ''[wiggles her finger]'' Party over here!
:''[Cleveland is surprised]''
:'''Cleveland''': We'll be white black.

===''[[w:Frapp Attack!|Frapp Attack!]]''===
:'''Donna''': Cleveland, get yo' ass off the grass!!
&lt;hr width=60%&gt;
:''[Cleveland gets a frozen cappuccino splashed in his face]''
:'''Cleveland''': Aaaah! Frapp attack! You frapped me! She frapped me! I got frapp in my 'stache!!

===''[[w:American Prankster (The Cleveland Show)|American Prankster]]''===
:'''Rallo''': You've been &quot;Ralloed&quot;.
&lt;hr width=60%&gt;
:'''Cleveland Jr.''': ''[shows a PowerPoint presentation during the scout tour meeting]'' Just look at that mass expand of virgin territory. The dense bushy thicket. And if you look close enough, you can see... my penis and testicles! ''[sees the picture Rallo took of him coming out of the shower]'' MY PENIS &amp; TESTICLES!!??
&lt;hr width=60%&gt;
:'''Rallo''': Evening suckers. Anybody want to smell my flower?
:'''Everybody but Donna''': I do!
:'''Donna''': No! No more Rallo'ing, Rallo. Because you do not want to get Donna'ed.
:'''Cleveland''': ''(miserably)'' Been a while since I got Donna'ed.

===''[[w:B.M.O.C. (The Cleveland Show)|B.M.O.C.]]''===
:'''Cleveland''': How much you make in a year, fake cop?
:'''Officer''': $65,000.
:'''Cleveland''': ''[deep]'' Really?

&lt;hr width=60%&gt;
:'''Cleveland''': Do you still serve grilled cheeses here?
:'''Worker''': No – the campus banned trans fats.
:'''Cleveland''': ''[deep]'' Really?

&lt;hr width=60%&gt;
:'''Donna''': So, does this mean you might wanna go to State?
:'''Roberta''': State?! That Podunk school? Where I'm goin' is gonna cost WAY more than that.
:'''Cleveland''', '''Donna''': ''[deep]'' Really?
 
===''[[w:Jesus Walks (The Cleveland Show)|Jesus Walks]]''===
:'''Cleveland Jr.''': Well, I'm off to sing about Jesus and crap.

&lt;hr width=60%&gt;
:'''Vanessa''': When we get to North Carolina, I'm going to Tear. You. Two. Up.
:'''Cleveland Jr.''': Tear us up? I just wanted to smooch.
:'''Hunter''': Yeah. And I just wanted to take you to the soda fountain for a phosphate.
:'''Vanessa''': Ohh, is that like a Jewish sex thing? Because I heard you guys are really kinky.
:'''Hunter''': Not true. At all.
:'''Vanessa''': Get ready, boys. Because when I'm done with you. You will both. See. God.

&lt;hr width=60%&gt;
:'''Cleveland Jr.''': Is he fucking kidding with this?
:'''Donna''': ''[whispers]'' Don't say &quot;fuck&quot; in church.

===''[[w:Flush of Genius|Flush of Genius]]''===
:'''Rallo''': Mom!!!
:'''Donna''': ''[brandishing a bat]'' You havin' a nightmare?
:'''Rallo''': No. But–what were you gonna do— Never mind. Check it out. ''[touches &quot;The Eliminator&quot; line with a ruler]'' The day is here. I'm tall enough to ride The Eliminator, the scariest roller coaster there is.
:'''Donna''': Fine. We'll go to Crazy Kingdom this weekend. ''[Rallo hugs her by the legs]'' Now I gotta get back before Cleveland realizes I'm not in bed.
:'''Cleveland''': ''[off-screen]'' Donna? DONNA! I'm trapped inside the duvet cover!

&lt;hr width=60%&gt;
:'''Cleveland''': Ohh – here comes old Dixie!

&lt;hr width=60%&gt;
:'''Cleveland''': RRRAGHHHH! Uncaring bastards!

&lt;hr width=60%&gt;
:'''Gus''': ''[piggybacking on Jr.]'' Wheee! This is wonderful!

===''[[w:Mama Drama (The Cleveland Show)|Mama Drama]]''===
:'''Rallo''': Mama, can I have some chocolate milk too for trying?
:'''Donna''': Of course you can have some. When you actually find something. Well, I'm off to the grocery store.
:'''Rallo''': Don't forget that stuff Miss Lowenstein needs you to buy me for the recital this Sunday.
:'''Cleveland''': Oh, for Mother's Day?
:''[Donna moans as she heads to the door]''
:'''Rallo''': Uh. You mean, other's day, 'cause Sunday is just an other day. ''[laughs]'' Nothing special.
:'''Cleveland''': Huh. Nothing special my fanny. Check out what I made for my mommy for Mommy's Day. ''[lifts the present to reveal a clay model of Evelyn's head]'' I made a bust of my mom's head. ''[pours milk on it]'' It's also a volcano! ''[makes sounds as the milk explodes]'' Spew. Spew. Spew.
:'''Donna''': ''[sobs]'' Well, I'm running late for weeping in my car.
:''[leaves]''
:'''Cleveland''': Bye!
:''[Rallo throws Cleveland's project out]'' 
:'''Rallo''': Have you lost you mind? You don't mention Mother's Day in front of her. The woman was abandoned at birth by her mother.
:'''Cleveland''': Donna was? Oh yeah. ''[thinking]'' Poor Donna. Well, I'd better talk to her. Good thing I've been practicing my listening face.
:''[Cleveland is in bed with Donna as he listens]''
:'''Donna''': Cleveland, what the hell are you doing?
:'''Cleveland''': Listening!

===''[[w:All You Can Eat (The Cleveland Show)|All You Can Eat]]''===
:'''Roberta''': Count to five before you follow me.
:'''Cleveland Jr.''': ''[exasperated]'' Yeah, I know the drill. ''[after Roberta leaves]'' Bitch.
:''[Last lines of the episode. Jr. has come home dressed as a gay biker.]''
:'''Cleveland Jr.''': Why do I listen to you!?

==External links==
{{wikipedia|The Cleveland Show (season 3)}}
* {{imdb title|id=1195935|title=The Cleveland Show}}
* [http://www.fox.com/programming/shows/?sh=the-cleveland-show TheClevelandShow.com]
* [http://tvtdb.com/theclevelandshow Episode transcripts] at TVTDB.com

{{DEFAULTSORT:Cleveland Show, The}}
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    <title>Justified (TV series)</title>
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      <text bytes="171560" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
[[File:Olyphant Zea Carter Goggins.jpg|thumb|Stars of the show ''Justified'']]
'''''[[w:Justified (TV series)|Justified]]''''' (2010–2015) is an American TV show, airing on [[w:FX (TV channel)|FX]], about U.S. Marshal [[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]], a modern day 19th century-style lawman, who enforces his brand of justice to put a target on his back with criminals and puts him at odds with his bosses in the Marshal service. As a result, he gets reassigned to the U.S. District covering the town where he grew up. It is based on [[Elmore Leonard]]'s novels ''[[w:Pronto (novel)|Pronto]]'' and ''[[w:Riding the Rap|Riding the Rap]]'' and his short story &quot;Fire in the Hole&quot;.

== Season 1 ==
=== ''Fire in the Hole'' [1.01] ===

:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': You concerned about me coming down here?
:'''Art Mullen''': It's a small office, Raylan. I'm concerned when we switch brands of coffee.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': ''[to Dewey Crowe]'' Hey, if I was you, I'd give up this Nazi bullshit. Go back to poaching gators. It's safer.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': You know, Boyd, I think you just use the Bible to do whatever the hell you like.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Well, what do you think I like, Raylan? 
:'''Raylan Givens''': You like to get money and blow shit up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ava Crowder''': You wanna know what Bowman said when he looked up and he saw me with his deer rifle? 
:'''Boyd Crowder''': God damn, woman, you only shoot people when they're eatin' supper? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': I guess I never thought of myself as an angry man.
:'''Winona Hawkins''': Well, you do a good job of hiding it, and I suppose most folks don't see it, but honestly, you're the angriest man I have ever known.

=== ''Riverbrook'' [1.02] ===

:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Looks like it hurts.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Why, yes, Raylan. Thank you for noticing. Somebody shot me in the chest the other day.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Art Mullen''': I got a call this morning from AUSA David Vasquez.  Wants to talk to you about you shooting Boyd Crowder.
:'''Raylan Givens''': What's there to talk about?  He pulled first.  There was a witness.
:'''Art Mullen''': But you see, ten days ago you shot a man in Miami.  Put it like this: you were in the first grade; bit a kid every week?  They'd start to think of you as a biter.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': Art tells me you were a sniper with the Rangers.
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Yeah, I was.
:'''Raylan Givens''': What's the longest you ever had to watch a target?
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Three days. Shitty little village outside Kandahar. You watch a man that long, you can get to know him better than his wife does. How he reads the paper, picks his nose, what glass he likes for tea, what one for milk. If he jerks off, what he looks at when he does. If he's nice to the dog when no one's around.
:'''Raylan Givens''': What's the trick to something like that? Keeping your focus? 
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Well, they told us to come up with stories about ourselves and the target.
:'''Raylan Givens''': What do you mean, &quot;stories&quot;?
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Well, nothing elaborate. Imagine taking Shirley to the movies, watching Price is Right, eating takeout Chinese. They eventually stopped that, the business with the stories.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Why is that? 
:'''Tim Gutterson''': They found some folks get so involved in the tales they're telling themselves, they grow to like the target. And when they got the green light, they couldn't pull.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Douglas Cooper''': Y'all sleeping together?
:'''Shirley Kelso''': We're cousins!
:'''Douglas Cooper''': Well, from all the lotions, condoms, and devices I saw sitting on your nightstand, it's clear you're sleeping with somebody.
:'''Dupree''': ''[beat]'' Well, it ain't like we're first cousins or anything...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rachel Brooks''': Got to ask. Why the hat?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Honestly? I tried it on one time, and it fit.

=== ''Fixer'' [1.03] ===

:'''Art Mullen''': Raylan, I got a courtesy call from the Harlan County Sheriff's Department — your daddy was arrested.
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Did he kill anybody?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': Miami is a sunny place for shady people.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': I got sent here, I think because they knew it was the one place I didn't want to go. In fact, as I recall, Winona and I promised each other we'd never come back here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': Tim, when you were working with Pinter, you ever come across a guy looks like a  black Mr Clean? Dresses like the janitor in a rap video.
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Like it says Tommy Hilfiger on his coveralls? 
:'''Raylan Givens''': Yeah, like he wears a t-shirt with his gators. 
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Detroit accent, looks like he could dead-lift the back of a car?
:'''Raylan Givens''': ....... Uh-huh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Art Mullen''': I love how these guys are so calm when you're coughing up blood.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Arnold Pinter''': I hate it here. Kentucky. I hate every one of these toothless, banjo strumming, red neck pricks. No offence.

=== ''Long in the Tooth'' [1.04] ===

:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': You ever consider I happen to be good at the job?
:'''Rachel Brooks''': And you being a tall, good-looking white man with a shitload of swagger, that has nothing to do with it? You get away with just about anything.
:'''Raylan Givens''': What do I get away with?
:'''Rachel Brooks''': Look in the mirror. How do you think it'd go over if I came into work one day wearing a cowboy hat? You think I'd get away with that?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Want to try it on? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': I can only imagine how hard it has been for you to get where you are in the Marshal service
:'''Rachel Brooks''': Because I'm black or because I'm a woman?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Because you're an idiot.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frank''': ''[discussing [[Pulp Fiction]]]'' I'm saying, why does he still have his gun out in the first place? When's the last time you rode around in a car holding your gun? 
:'''Joe''': 'Cause it's a ''movie''! That don't happen, then there's no movie. No messy car, no cleaner. I mean, what do they do? They drive home, jerk off, take a nap?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': Looks like we have a sniper on the Mexican side.
:'''Roland Pike''': Well, that's not going to help tourism. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': Are you armed?
:'''Roland Pike''': Well, I just had my dick in my hand.

=== ''The Lord of War and Thunder'' [1.05] ===

:'''Art Mullen''': You've been in here for three days, and you've got no sign.
:'''Rachel Brooks''': Not no sign. His ex-wife has been packing in a lot of beer.
:'''Art Mullen''': Well, get a search warrant.
:'''Rachel Brooks''': Can't get a warrant based on beer consumption.
:'''Art Mullen''': How do you know?
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': We tried.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': ''[about Arlo]'' Why can't you bail him out?
:'''Helen Givens''': Those are the first words out of your mouth?
:'''Raylan Givens''': I'm sorry, I'll start again. I see you're still smoking.
:'''Helen Givens''': You still piss in your bed?
:'''Raylan Givens''': No, you see, I gave up my bad habits.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Arlo Givens''': I heard about you shooting Boyd.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Hmm.
:'''Arlo Givens''': All I need is a bunch of Crowders wanting revenge on a Givens.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Well, I think I'm higher up on their list.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Arlo Givens''': Where were you, woman?
:'''Helen Givens''': Down in the parking lot, giving blowjobs for cash.
:'''Arlo Givens''': Were you paying or were they?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Johnny Crowder''': You shot my cousin.
:'''Raylan Givens''': No, no. God shot Boyd. Ask him. He'll tell you I saved his soul.

=== ''The Collection'' [1.06] ===

:'''Ava Crowder''': You're tarnished with the dark stain of D-I-V-O-R-C-E.
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': My marriage ended a little bit more amicably than yours.
:'''Ava Crowder''': Funny, why did your marriage end?
:'''Raylan Givens''': It seemed like a good idea at the time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Art Mullen''': Are you cold standing out here?
:'''Raylan Givens''': ''[without his shirt on]'' Not really. Why?
:'''Art Mullen''': 'Cause I can't keep from staring at your nipples!
:'''Raylan Givens''': I'll be out in ten.
:'''Art Mullen''': Thank you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': I figure people have a right to their hobbies and I have a right to find those people creepy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Karl Hanselman''': Next time you're in Cincinnati, come by the gallery, I'll show you my collection. I think you'll be quite surprised.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Honestly, I'd rather stick my dick in a blender.
:'''Art Mullen''': Well, ''that'' might solve a few problems.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Karl Hanselman''': My father grew up in Germany, in Munich, before the war. He was very poor. He saw the wealthy of his city, and he wanted what they had. But there was no way someone like him could ever hope to rise to that... and then along came a very charismatic man who knew who was to blame, and my father followed him. Publicly, after the war, my father recanted everything the Reich stood for, but he never did in his heart. In private, after some wine, he would say that his years working for Hitler were the best of his life. His proudest achievement was when Hitler selected him to run a team that went through the country, reacquiring the Fuhrer's old paintings. I hated my father. So, this has been my project. I buy Hitler's shitty paintings... and I ''burn'' them.

=== ''Blind Spot'' [1.07] ===

:'''Art Mullen''': Just what part of being under investigation confuses you, Raylan? 
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': So many things confuse me, Art. 
:'''Art Mullen''': Do you think we're going to banter here? 'Cause we're not. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hunter Mosley''': You know what they say about back woods cabins in Harlan, they're like assholes, sawed off shotguns and pick-up trucks.
:'''Ava Crowder''': Everybody's got one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hunter Mosley''': You know, I put Bo away five years ago. He was running drugs up through Harlan. Wasn't selling, more of a conduit for shit flowing up from the South. But my problem with the Crowders started a while before that. You remember Henry Crowder?
:'''Raylan Givens''': He drove the Bookmobile around to all the schools. 
:'''Hunter Mosley''': Great guy, sweet guy. The one good Crowder.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Yeah. 
:'''Hunter Mosley''': Until one day, eight years ago, he picked up a 10-year-old little girl, drove her over to Pine Mountain Forest, tied her up—
:'''Raylan Givens''': No.
:'''Hunter Mosley''': —raped her, strangled her. Charlotte Rose Thomas. My niece.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Well, I can't imagine anything worse than that.
:'''Hunter Mosley''': She'd be finishing high school about now.
:'''Raylan Givens''': You put Henry away? 
:'''Hunter Mosley''': I spent years searching high and low. Never found him. But I rode them Crowders hard. Some folks say that's why I put Bo away for his drug running.
:'''Raylan Givens''': As opposed to you actually doing your job.
:'''Hunter Mosley''': Exactly. Did make a contribution, though.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Red''': What do they want?
:'''Hunter Mosley''': Well, they want rainbows and unicorns. God damn it, Red! Catch up! What do you think they want? They want Raylan Givens.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': You honestly see a way out of this? 
:'''Hunter Mosley''': Well, you mean like one of those police chases on TV? Helicopter following some dipshit through the streets? You know, when that idiot finally crashes, you ever notice how many get out and run? If you're like me, you're yelling at the TV, &quot;What the hell you running for, asshole? We gonna get you!&quot; And we always do, right? Except we don't, really. You know that. Not always. They just don't show the ones that get away on TV.
:'''Raylan Givens''': You're gonna be one of the lucky ones, huh?
:'''Hunter Mosley''': If I've got a one-in-a-hundred, Hell, if I've got a one-in-a-million shot, I'm gonna take it.

=== ''Blowback'' [1.08] ===

:'''Bo Crowder''': You all right, daughter-in-law? You look like you just walked on your own grave. What, are you surprised to see me? I figured that Raylan Deputy Marshal Givens would have told you I was getting out. Especially since he's the one that got my sentence cut by 87 days and a wake-up.
:'''Ava Crowder''': What the hell are you talking about? 
:'''Bo Crowder''': By taking down Sheriff Hunter. All the cases that got made by that lying son of a bitch are now liable to be reopened. So, the US Attorney decided that anybody with a sentence less than six months wasn't worth retrying. Gave us all early release. God bless America.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bo Crowder''': Howdy, Marshal, I sure am glad you could join us.
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Oh, no, no, no. I'm not joining you. You were just leaving.
:'''Bo Crowder''': Actually, I was just telling my daughter-in-law how the one thing that separates the pie we get inside from a nice piece, like this one here, is the smell. I mean, there ain't nothing in the world like it. You know what, girl? I think I'm gonna have to lick your plate.
:'''Raylan Givens''': ''[grabbing his shoulder]'' Are you gonna walk out of here, or is this gonna have to go a different way? 
:'''Bo Crowder''': The last man that put his hands on me like that, I beat him until his eyes bled. I guess it's a lucky thing for both of us that I ain't a convict any more, ain't it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wynn Duffy''': With one phone call, I was able to discover that the deposition you were scheduled to work this afternoon had been cancelled, letting me know that you'd be home early, and likely be home alone. Imagine what a genuine predator would have been able to do with that information.
:'''Winona Hawkins''': Or I could just call the police.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': The police are just a janitorial service used to clean up your blood after you've been murdered.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cal Wallace''': Hey, shooter? You got much experience with this sort of thing? Negotiating with a barricaded suspect?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Not really.
:'''Cal Wallace''': Well, you're doing a good job so far. You have established a rapport with the subject. But now you got to make a determination. Is the subject emotionally disturbed? Well, you got an opinion on that?
:'''Raylan Givens''': You seem pretty stable. Although, you did spend all morning with a shiv up your ass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': ''[After defusing the hostage situation]'' I think the bourbon sealed it.
:'''David Vasquez''': You must be glad to finally find a professional use for your office bottle, huh, Chief?
:'''Art Mullen''': I don't know what you're talking about. I was just as surprised to find that in here as anybody else.
:'''David Vasquez''': It was probably the cleaning staff that left it.
:'''Art Mullen''': Yeah. Teenagers.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Hopped-up kids on a joyride to hell.

=== ''Hatless'' [1.09] ===

:'''Wynn Duffy''': Listen, I don't know how you're associated with Mr. Hawkins, or why, but I'm gonna give you this opportunity to extricate yourself from his predicament before you get involved in something that, quite frankly, you don't want to be involved in.
:'''Toby Griffin''': And I'm gonna give you a minute to extricate yourself up out my face before I have to paint your office with your shit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gary Hawkins''': You talk to Arnett?
:'''Wynn Duffy''': I did.
:'''Gary Hawkins''': And?
:''[Billy Mac knocks down Gary]''
:'''Wynn Duffy''': I would describe his attitude towards your suggestions as unreceptive.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bartender''': Wouldn't it be easier just to buy a new hat?
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Probably, but I ain't looking for easy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Come on, Emmitt! Come on! Show me the Benjamins the homeys are always rapping about!
:'''Raylan Givens''': Emmitt, I assume you're gonna take care of that.
:'''Emmitt Arnett''': How the hell was I supposed to know he was gonna show up without any cash?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Right, but eventually—
:'''Billy Mac''': Duffy's right. What happens to our cut if you pocket that deed?
:'''Emmitt Arnett''': Just get control of yourself, boy. Just relax. You're gonna get your portion.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Of what? The ''land?'' What am I, ''a farmer?'' Show me the cash, Emmitt, or I swear to God I'm gonna get a machete and a blowtorch, and I'm gonna make your body as small as I possibly can!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': ''[to Duffy]'' I shot people I like more for less.

=== ''The Hammer'' [1.10] ===

:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': ''[saying grace before Boyd's flock]'' Dear Lord, before we eat this meal, we ask forgiveness for our sins. Especially Boyd, who blew up a black church with a rocket launcher, and afterwards he shot his associate Jared Hale in the back of the head out on Tate's Creek Bridge. Let the image of Jared's brain matter on that windshield not dampen our appetites, but may the knowledge of Boyd's past sins help guide these men. May this food provide them with all the nourishment they need. But if it does not, may they find comfort in knowing that the United States Marshal Service is offering fifty thousand dollars to any individual providing information that will put Boyd back in prison. Cash or check, we can make it out to them, or to Jesus, whoever they want. In your name, we pray. Amen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike Reardon''': ''[to Raylan]'' Look at you. You are every inch the goddamn gunslinger I heard.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boyd Crowder''': You know what Rome looked like before it became Rome, don't you? Some huts on the side of a hill, Little stream running through it. What it became... well, as they say, it didn't happen in a day.
:'''Johnny Crowder''': So you're building Rome? Well, I don't think this property is zoned for that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Johnny Crowder''': See, now, there you go again. Bullshit or true belief, I just can't tell.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Truth always sounds like lies to a sinner.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': Hey, uh, I was at the office earlier. One of the other deputies was reviewing your cases. He found one that was curious. A fella name of Kit McKendrie.
:'''Mike Reardon''': McKendrie. Yeah.
:'''Raylan Givens''': You remember him? 
:'''Mike Reardon''': I remember his face, his greasy hair, stained teeth.
:'''Raylan Givens''': What was the deal there? 
:'''Mike Reardon''': Did you read about the case? 
:'''Raylan Givens''': Just the bare bones.
:'''Mike Reardon''': ''[to the bartender]'' Thanks, darlin'. ''[to Raylan]'' Yeah, I had him in my court, before I got to federal. First-time offender. Everything in me said that boy was evil. He had a daddy used to stub butts out on his arm. Swear to Christ, there were cigarette burns all the way up to his shoulder. So, I pushed down what my gut said, I give him a cream puff 18 months, banged it down to time served. About a year later, McKendrie shot a 6-year-old And the state trooper who come to get him. I looked into his eyes, and I knew he was no good, but I let my feelings interfere. Never again.

=== ''Veterans'' [1.11] ===

:'''Boyd Crowder''': You gonna introduce me to your friends?
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Oh, my mistake, I'm sorry. Yes, of course, Art Mullen, chief deputy of this office, my boss. I thought you guys had met that night I shot you, but of course you were unconscious by the time he showed up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Raylan, we're getting precipitously close to the moment I ask to have my lawyer present.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bo Crowder''': That day I came to pick you up at big Sandy and I asked you to work some hours to help me rebuild my business and you said you wanted to walk another path, well, I reacted poorly. That's why I came too see you today, son, to say I'm sorry, to beg your forgiveness and your indulgence.
:''[Bo hands Boyd an envelope of money]''
:'''Boyd Crowder''': What's this?
:'''Bo Crowder''': The smoke from your blast sent a signal across all of Harlan County. I got people lining up with cash in their hands, begging me for protection.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Well, I can't accept this.
:'''Bo Crowder''': Why not? 
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Cause I know where it comes from. The bible tells us that &quot;a gift blinds the wise and perverts the words of the righteous.&quot; 
:'''Bo Crowder''': Well, then let's just consider it an offering, my tithes to your church of the last this, that, or the other.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': You're not taking me seriously, Daddy, and I don't find that amusing.
:'''Bo Crowder''': You know, it's funny. I was just about to say the same goddamn thing to you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bo Crowder''': Where's my money? 
:'''Arlo Givens''': There is no money. People stopped paying.
:'''Bo Crowder''': You invited me over here to tell me this? 
:'''Arlo Givens''': No, Bo, I invited you over to tell you you have to do something about your son Boyd. He has gone clear off the deep end.
:'''Bo Crowder''': Well, shit, at least he hasn't joined the other team, become a goddamn Marshal for Christ's sake.
:'''Arlo Givens''': At least Raylan doesn't run around, preaching Jesus and blowing up meth labs.
:'''Bo Crowder''': I got control over my boy. Can you say the same about yours? He comes to town, it's to ruin the likes of you and me.
:'''Arlo Givens''': Only reason my son comes to Harlan is because of your son!
:'''Bo Crowder''': …You’re gonna give me my money.
:'''Arlo Givens''': How much you want?
:'''Bo Crowder''': Fifty, to start off with-
:'''Arlo Givens''': I don’t have that.
:'''Bo Crowder''': How much you got? 
:'''Arlo Givens''': Nothing.
:'''Bo Crowder''': Well, then why did you ask?! 
:'''Arlo Givens''': Being polite.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Well, how'd he get you to talk, then?
:'''Dewey Crowe''': He deputized me.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': He did what?
:'''Dewey Crowe''': He said he could deputize me, and then I had to talk.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Oh, that Raylan Givens. He sure is a clever one.

=== ''Fathers and Sons'' [1.12] ===

:'''Bo Crowder''': You know, I may not own a private plane or a fancy car, and when you look at me, you probably just see some dumb redneck who likes to eat roadkill for breakfast and have sex with his cousins. I don't eat roadkill, I don't screw my relatives, and I didn't just get off of no short bus. So for you to bring me all the way down here to threaten me, as if I didn't already fully understand the stakes of our business agreement? Hoss, that's just downright insulting.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Art Mullen''': ''[to Raylan]'' That's enough. I'm the chief, this is my office, it's my informant and it's my call. And that's my bottle, and I'm not gonna let you drink it all just because your daddy didn't hug you much when you were little.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Well, as many of you good people may remember, I was a hateful man, and I was a sinful man. Seeking my way through the darkness, looking for salvation in worldly things! And evil things. Like Saul on the road to Damascus, I was long gone on a sinful journey, when the light of the Lord shone upon me on my deathbed in a prison hospital. And, brothers and sisters, I'm here to tell you today that bullet missed my heart, but it struck my soul. It struck it. For I was blinded. I was blinded. I could no longer see ungodly truth. For if any man be born again in Christ is a new creature, well, I am a new. a new creature! I am a new creature!
:'''Preacher''': Thank you, Boyd.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Not quite finished yet, Reverend.
:'''Preacher''': By all means, continue.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Now - Now, Jesus entered a temple in Jerusalem. He found moneylenders buying and selling where they should have been a-praying. He called their church a den of thieves. And he turned over their tables. He cast out the robbers! He cast them out! He cast them out! Hallelujah! He cast them out! And like Jesus, like Jesus, like Jesus, we must never be afraid to strike out against those who practice evil! We must take the high road of righteousness, even if it means walking, walking and leaving our own flesh and blood behind. Because there is no greater piety, brothers and sisters, - than the love of God. Amen to that! He is my one true father. There is no other. There is no other, Preacher. There's no other.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drug Chemist''': ''[to Hestler Jones]'' Listen, [[Lynyrd Skynyrd]], next time we're opening a dick sucking business, I'll ask for your advice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bo Crowder''': As a churchgoing man, I admire your turnaround, Boyd. I could never walk the path, though I understood its virtue. Your change has been remarkable, son. Having said that, you are getting severely goddamn close to meeting your maker.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': You know, I continue to tell myself that you are not an evil man, because I believe that in your heart, you have the ability to do the right thing. But I will tell you something, Daddy, and you mark my words. Now, you bring meth into our homes, and I will destroy it.
:''[Bo laughs]''
:'''Boyd Crowder''': You think that's funny?
:'''Bo Crowder''': You know what's funny? You destroy me or my shit, it's the same thing as destroying yourself. That there is Crowder gospel. You mark them damn words, son.

=== ''Bulletville'' [1.13] ===

:'''Boyd Crowder''': For years I lusted after you, and I was far from subtle. Well, that was wrong. And not only because you were my brother's wife, but because it was unseemly, unwanted and it made you uncomfortable.
:'''Ava Crowder''': If by uncomfortable you mean it made my skin crawl, then yes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bo Crowder''': Who am I kiddin'? I can't hurt my own son. ''[pause]'' Johnny, hurt my son.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bo Crowder''': Yeah, you see, the problem there is, I still don't know whether or not I can trust you.
:'''Arlo Givens''': You've known me 50 years.
:'''Bo Crowder''': Should that incline me to trust you more or less?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Dear Heavenly Father, I'm not gonna pretend to understand. You told me what you wanted done, and that's what we did. How could you let it end like this? All these men trusted me to lead them on the path of righteousness for your name's sake. All these men came to you because they believed in me. And now they're dead. I'm gonna need a sign. I'm gonna need to know that their sacrifice meant something to you. ''[Boyd pauses, then sighs]'' Maybe I've just been talking to myself this whole time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Where you going? 
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': I'm going after the young lady with the automatic weapon. 
:'''Boyd Crowder''': I'll get her. 
:'''Raylan Givens''': What are you gonna do after you get her? 
:'''Boyd Crowder''': I ain't quite figured that out yet. Are you gonna shoot to stop me? 
:'''Raylan Givens''': Maybe. 
:'''Boyd Crowder''': I'm pretty sure you're empty. 
:'''Raylan Givens''': You gonna bet your life on that? 
:'''Boyd Crowder''': No Raylan, I'm gonna bet my life on you being the only friend I have left in this world.

== Season 2 ==
=== ''The Moonshine War'' [2.01] ===

:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Alright look, I've tried to be reasonable. You give me your word in ten seconds or I shoot you in the head. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': So, you want to transfer me? 
:'''Art Mullen''': Honestly, Raylan, I don't know who would take you. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy Earl Dean''': You're very funny. That's good stuff.
:'''Loretta MacCready''': Is this gonna be your new line? How we got the same sense of humor? What's in your mind? How do you think this is gonna go? You thinking, &quot;maybe we'll fight a little, then it'll turn to wrestling and tickling and laughing, then she'll say, 'ooh, don't touch me there,' and then she won't stop me&quot;? Is that how it runs in your head? You don't even know what to say now, do you? Even me talking about wrestling and tickling and &quot;ooh, don't touch me there,&quot; it's like a spell's been cast, and you won't break it. Well, maybe you're just dreaming and you don't wanna wake up. [''Loretta slaps Dean hard across the face''] ''Well, wake up!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': Woah woah, okay. I'm just gonna ask you one question. Do you know how a firearm works? 
:'''Jimmy Earl Dean''': What? 
:'''Raylan Givens''': The key word in firearm is &quot;fire.&quot; When the pin hits the cap, makes the charge explode, meaning there's a spark, which should be of some concern to a man soaked in gasoline. 
:'''Jimmy Earl Dean''': That's bullshit. That spark's too far away from the gasoline.
:'''Raylan Givens''': You didn't finish school, did you, Mr. Dean? It's not the liquid that burns. It's the fumes. Now, look. Now look, normally I would have just shot you myself the second you pulled, but I am doing my level best to avoid the paper work and the self-recrimination that comes with it, though Lord knows that you are the kind that makes it worth it more. Come on, Jimmy, can't we just try to end this without you turning yourself into the [[w:Human Torch|Human Torch]]?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mags Bennett''': ''[after poisoning Walt]'' Oh, this is the bad part, but it doesn't last long. Mixture's all natural, from up in the hills. All kinds of knowledge up in the hills. Something my grandmama taught me. She learned it from her grandmama.
:'''Walt MacCready''': Loretta?
:'''Mags Bennett''': I'll raise her myself. Don't you think that'll be better for her? Then the way it's been around here with you and your sadness. All the troubles of your hard life, it's all gone now. You get to know the mystery, Walt. You get to see your Sally Ann again.

=== ''The Life Inside'' [2.02] ===

:'''Boyd Crowder''': My outlaw ways are behind me. 
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Just you saying that scares the shit out of me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': You kicked the man out of the house? He's under house arrest.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Arlo Givens''': I hope you get cancer! 
:'''Helen Givens''': Already had it! 
:'''Arlo Givens''': I hope you get it again!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': ''[to Glenn Cosgrove]'' Glenn, we got it. You you knocked up an inmate, you hired someone to murder her and sell your child. Now shut the hell up, or Tim's gonna hit you in the face.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Art Mullen''': Hell of a shot. Did you consider what might have happened if you'd missed?
:'''Tim Gutterson''': I can't carry a tune. I don't know how to shoot a basketball and my handwriting is, uh, barely legible. But I don't miss.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': I saw a man threaten to shoot a pregnant woman through the belly, just before a bullet went through his brain so... I guess you could say, it wasn't good. 
:'''Winona Hawkins''': I can handle that, Raylan. I can't handle silence.

=== ''The I of the Storm'' [2.03] ===

:'''Art Mullen''': So, you were out with somebody, and Tim happened to be there.
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Could we not? 
:'''Art Mullen''': Just suppose it could be Rachel. Are you sleeping with Rachel?
:'''Raylan Givens''': No.
:'''Art Mullen''': I don't guess Ava's looking to spend time with you. And I think I would remember if it was me.
:'''Raylan Givens''': You done?
:'''Art Mullen''': Unless, of course, you roofied me. Did you roofie me, Raylan? 
:'''Raylan Givens''': Goodbye, Art.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dewey Crowe''': You know, Boyd... for a guy who supposedly changed, you sound an awful lot like you always did.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dewey Crowe''': ''[to Boyd]''  I know you think I'm stupid, Boyd, but...''[long beat]'' I ain't.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boyd Crowder''': I was wondering if back when we were digging coal together that you had an inkling of the man that I might someday become.
:'''Raylan Givens''': You mean just 40 and still single?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Doyle Bennett''': ''[to Dickie and Coover]'' You have any idea the federal shitstorm we'd bring down if we killed a marshal? We're talking black hawk-helicopter time. Jesus. I don't want either of you two doing shit or even contemplating doing shit until you run it by someone who can think.

=== ''For Blood or Money'' [2.04] ===

:'''Art Mullen''': ''[about Rachel]'' She's the best marshal I've got.
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': You realize I'm sitting right here?
:'''Art Mullen''': I do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Art Mullen''': You're getting old.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Not as old as you.
:'''Art Mullen''': And you're a dick.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rachel Brooks''': When I was Nick's age, before my father's cancer, I thought we were the Cosbys. My parents had good jobs, there was a feast on the table after church on Sundays. Shawnee and I would ride our Huffys around the neighborhood. We had good hair, and made straight A's. Except, as my mother reminds me, that wasn't reality. The jobs weren't all that good, and my father was never a happy man even before he got sick. And Shawnee was smoking pot at 9 and running away to smoke heroin at 15. 
:'''Raylan Givens''': I never bore any illusions that my family was the Cosbys. 
:'''Art Mullen''': Your family wasn't funny. 
:'''Tim Gutterson''': At least you got to shoot your father. Mine had the nerve to die before I got back from Basic with skills and a loaded weapon. 
:'''Raylan Givens''': You didn't miss much. I thought it was gonna be way more fun than it was.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Doyle Bennett''': I had nothing to do with it.
:'''Mags Bennett''': Other than shootin' a couple of assholes to keep 'em from talking.
:'''Doyle Bennett''': Yeah, well... that.

=== ''Cottonmouth'' [2.05] ===
:'''Ava Crowder''': Why did you agree to rob that mine in the first place?
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Because it's what I do. It's who I am, Ava. As hard as I've been trying to pretend otherwise. Everybody else seems to know that but me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom Bergen''': Art, I've been in Harlan 18 years. People still look at me like I'm some kinda Yankee come down to burn their crops. But this guy... 
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan]]''': I know my people. 
:'''Art Mullen''': You're like the hillbilly whisperer. We oughta put you on Oprah.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coover Bennett''': Ma ain't never left me in charge... Dickie neither. Here you sit?
:'''Loretta McCready''': Well it ain't as glamorous as it looks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mags Bennett''': We need to talk.
:'''Dickie Bennett''': Can I get you something, mama? 
:'''Mags Bennett''': Nothing's gonna take the taste away from my boys going behind my back.
:'''Coover Bennett''': Mama, w-we never went behind—
:'''Mags Bennett''': Cashing McCready's draw checks? How long did you think it'd take before that'd come back on us? 
:'''Coover Bennett''': Mama, that's that federal. He's aiming for trouble with us, always has been.
:'''Mags Bennett''': 'Cause of your actions! Starting with hiring that pederast to do a job I give you.
:'''Coover Bennett''': I'm sorry, Mama.
:'''Mags Bennett''': Coover, I know you're sorry. That's why it's gonna hurt so much to have to do this.
:''[Doyle moves Coover to place his hand on a tree stump. Mags takes out a hammer]''
:'''Dickie Bennett''': Hey, now! Hey, hey, now! Hey! Hey! 
:'''Doyle Bennett''': Put your hand on the stump! Put your hand on the stump! Mags: Take what's coming.
:'''Coover Bennett''': Mama.
:'''Mags Bennett''': I'm saving your gun hand, now.
:'''Coover Bennett''': Mama, don't hurt me.
:'''Mags Bennett''': Cross me again, and I will leave you nothing.
:'''Coover Bennett''': Mama! 
:'''Dickie Bennett''': You ain't got to do this.
:'''Mags Bennett''': You shut your mouth! 'Cause you're crippled to the point of worthlessness it ain't you down on that table. As it is, I have to hurt Coover. And I like Coover.

=== ''Blaze of Glory'' [2.06] ===

:'''ATF Agent''': Did she screw all your relatives? Or just you two?
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Now sir, I know you have an investigation to conduct but if you disrespect Ava one more time, I'm gonna come across this table.
:'''Art Mullen''': I think a threat against a federal officer would be a little more specific. Something more along the lines of, &quot;If you disrespect Miss Crowder again I'll beat the ever loving shit out of ya&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Winona Hawkins''': ''[to Raylan]'' The one who kicked me in the face... if you get the chance, shoot him in the nuts.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frank Reasoner''': ''[to Carter Hayes]'' I got you figured. You did most of your growing up in those juvie-detention gladiator schools. I guess Bobby didn't tell you I was the bench-press champion at Lewisburg. The next time you make me raise my voice, I'm gonna take this oxygen tank, and I'm gonna beat your ass to death with it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carter Hayes''': Now, it appears to be running just a couple minutes late, but when it gets here, we're gonna take our money and be on our way. ''[opens his jacket to reveal a vest of dynamite]'' Otherwise I'm gonna have to huff and puff.
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Okay. Okay. ''[to Bobby Green]'' Clearly, you're the smart one. I'm hoping you know what to do now.
:''[Bobby lies flat on his stomach and places his hands on his head]''
:'''Raylan Givens''' ''[to Carter]'' And you're the one who kicks innocent women in the face.
:'''Carter Hayes''': You mean that girl from this morning? She didn't seem so innocent. Does she taste as good as she looks?
:'''Raylan Givens''' You know where I'm from, asshole?
:'''Carter Hayes''': No.
:'''Raylan Givens''' Harlan County.
:'''Carter Hayes''': So?
:'''Raylan Givens''' ''[punches Carter]'' Down there we know the difference between dynamite and road flares.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Art Mullen''': If you run, I'm gonna put a bullet in that tank. You remember the end of ''[[Jaws (film)|Jaws]]''?

=== ''Save My Love'' [2.07] ===

:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': I'm surprised to see you here.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Without shackles or an attorney present? It's a little strange for me too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gary Hawkins''': I'm glad you agreed to see me, given our history.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Our history, indeed. I took a bullet, lost seven pints of blood, and eighteen inches of intestine. I had the surgeons keep it for me as a memento of that day preserved in Lucite. Would you like to see it?
:'''Gary Hawkins''': Okay.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Gary, I didn't have eighteen inches of intestine preserved in Lucite.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Raylan. Raylan, I would never presume to tell you how to do your job and I understand that I am very new in this security game. However, I have spent a considerable amount of time hiding explosives. Now if you would like, I'd be more than happy to walk around here with you, show you where would I hide mine, in case there might be a place that you might miss.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': The truth is, I don't know if you can trust Boyd to have your back but well, he has tried to kill me, and I have shot him, and imprisoned him and I wouldn't be surprised if our paths again cross in such a manner. He ''has'' had my back on two occasions. Once was the last day I was in the mine, and the other not so long ago. 
:'''Carol Johnson''': My, sounds like a love story.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': You think he was telling the truth?
:'''Art Mullen''': Well he's a bank robber Raylan, why would he lie to me?

=== ''The Spoil'' [2.08] ===

:'''Kid''': No spikes, no seeds, no helmet, no hitting.
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan]]''': Nothing about no beating the shit out of a teenager though. I guess that'd be okay then.
:'''Kid''': Hey I'll call the cops.
:'''Art Mullen''': Kid, we are the cops.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Well, now, more than once we've found ourselves on the same side of a fight.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Okay. Well, I'm on assignment by the federal government. You're a hired gun thug for a crooked company. Now, the only thing that we're on the same side of is, like, this car.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carol Johnson''': There have been some threats.
:'''Mags Bennett''': Oh, well, that's just awful.
:'''Carol Johnson''': Part of the job, I suppose.
:'''Mags Bennett''': Yeah, it's not easy being a strong woman. Take it from me. But you just keep doing what you're doing. Don't let them see you sweat.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mags Bennett''': Apparently, Black Pike is here to help us realize God's great plan. And all they're asking us to let them do, is cut the top off our mountain. Well, my people pioneered this valley when George Washington was president of the United States. And as long as we've been here, the story's always been the same: the big money men come in, take the timber and the coal and the strength of our people. And what do they leave behind? Poundments full of poison slurry and valleys full of toxic trash! Yeah! You know what happens when 500 million gallons of slurry breaks loose? The gates of hell open!
:'''Carol Johnson''': Those poundments are built strong to keep the slurry back.
:'''Mags Bennett''': The gates of hell open, and all that waste rolls down through the hollers and poisons the water and the land and everything it touches! Mining company has a has a word for those leavings doesn't it? &quot;The spoil. ''The spoil''&quot;! And that is what our lives will be if Black Pike has their way with our mountain.
:'''Carol Johnson''': With all due respect, Mrs. Bennett, Black Pike will replace the mountaintops and leave money a lot of money in the pockets of the working people of Bennett and Harlan counties.
:'''Mags Bennett''': Is that a fact? 
:'''Carol Johnson''': Yes, ma'am, that is a fact.
:'''Mags Bennett''': Well, that's something to consider. 'Cause it ain't an easy life here. No, ma'am. To an outsider, it's probably hard to understand why we're all not just lining up and saying, &quot;Where do we sign?&quot; But we got our own kind of food, our own music. Our own liquor! We got our own way of courting, and raising children! And our own way of living and dying. And to protect all that, we have got to say &quot;No, thank you&quot; to Miss Carol Johnson here and Black Pike Mining.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carol Johnson''': My heart's still pounding. Wanna feel?
:'''Raylan Givens''': You've had enough fun for today.

=== ''Brother's Keeper'' [2.09] ===

:'''Ava Crowder''': You sure you know what you're doing?
:'''Boyd Crowder''': I'm making it up as I go, but I sure am happy you elected to come along.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carol Johnson''': Getting this property seized is an inevitability.
:'''Mags Bennett''': You wouldn't be the first who tried, Missy Thing. Now, sit your bony ass down and listen to my counteroffer while there's still pieces of you big enough to find!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mags Bennett''': You pick the devil you run with.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coover Bennett''': My daddy ain't never did shit for me. Never give me nothing. Hell, her neither.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens | Raylan Givens]]''': Now listen, Dickie. I will finish what was started here.
:'''Dickie Bennett''': Raylan, wait! Raylan!
:'''Raylan Givens''': You're gonna tell me where they went if it's the last breath you ever draw.
:'''Dickie Bennett''': I tried to stop him, Raylan, I swear to God! I did everything I could, I swear.
:''[Raylan steps on Dickie's lame leg]''
:'''Dickie Bennett''': Please, let me just- let me go after him. Let me go after him. I can ''take care'' of this, Raylan!
:'''Raylan Givens''': No. I'm gonna take care of this now. '''''Where?'''''
:'''Dickie Bennett''': Agh- He said something about taking her to see her daddy!
:'''Raylan Givens''': Where?
:'''Dickie Bennett''': Up at the mine. Up- up in the mine shaft, up in the Garner mine shaft.
:''[Raylan leaves]''
:'''Dickie Bennett''': ''Don't you hurt my brother, Raylan!''

=== ''Debts and Accounts'' [2.10] ===

:'''Art Mullen''': ''[to Raylan]'' I thought at one point that maybe someday you and I'd be able to look back at all this and laugh, but shit, I don't think you're gonna live that long. You just go on and do what you do, and I'll just cleaning up after ya, and sooner or later this problem's gonna solve itself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mags Bennett''': ''[to Hobart Curtis]'' Wherever your boys grow up, do you think they'd be better off doing it with or without their daddy? You figure out that next time before you open your mouth to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': I've been wondering if I'm just a criminal at heart, ya know, truly my father's son.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boyd Crowder''': My name is Boyd Crowder. You can come after me if you want but it will be the last thing you ever do, I promise you that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Winona Hawkins''': Who are they?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Lord knows. Any number of people who are trying to kill me.

=== ''Full Commitment'' [2.11] ===

:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Well I gotta talk to some people... alone. So... Either you let me go, or I'm gonna have to give you the slip.
:'''Tim Gutterson''': I love this shit. This shit gets me hard.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Well, we've both been warned then.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mags Bennett''': You did kill my baby.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Yeah.
:'''Mags Bennett''': But I was the one that let him become a nitwit. Now, I'm not taking the blame, mind you. Coover had plenty of time to straighten himself out. And you did save Loretta. Saved me from living out my days with her blood on me. I'm not sure it makes us exactly even, but I made a deal with your Aunt Helen to keep the lid on, and I intend to honor it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Doyle Bennett''': If the police chief wants to kill a guy, he ain't got to send anyone. He just waits for the guy to show up on his turf, and he rolls up on him with a bunch of his police officers. You know, that way, he can make it look like the guy died resisting arrest. Or if that don't fly, well, hell, he could just, uh, disappear the body down an old, boarded-up mine shaft.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gary Hawkins''': Duffy is crazy. I think you need to call for some backup.
:'''Raylan Givens''': We ain't calling anybody.
:'''Gary Hawkins''': Why not?
:'''Raylan Givens''': 'Cause all they'll do is try to arrest him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wynn Duffy''': So, are we finished?
:'''Raylan Givens''': As long as you understand that the next time we have this conversation, it won't be a conversation.

=== ''Reckoning'' [2.12] ===

:'''Mags Bennett''': I had every intention of living a simple life. Raising my boys, keeping house... then Pervis got killed, and I accepted this role, did what I had to do for my family. I may not have lived the life I wanted, but I'll be damned if my grandchildren are gonna live it the same way. I got Doyle's boys a path out of this holler, and nothing is more important to me than that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mags meets Dickie at his safehouse with Doyle]''
:'''Mags Bennett''': Tell me it wasn't you.
:''[Dickie doesn't respond. Mags slaps his face]
:'''Dickie Bennett''': Hey, hey, listen to me. Mama... I love you, and I always tried to do what you wanted, but ever since Coover you just ain't been thinking right.
:'''Mags Bennett''': I am still the head of this family.
:'''Dickie Bennett''': Yeah, and why is it, Mama, that the head of this family gave away this family's territory... to Boyd Crowder, no less?
:'''Mags Bennett''': Boy, you don't know what you talking about.
:'''Dickie Bennett''': What I know is Boyd Crowder robbed us point blank at the shed, and Arlo helped him. What I know is Boyd ran off Rodney, told him ''he'' was the swinging dick around these parts! ''You'', you gave Boyd an inch, he took a country mile. That's what I know.
:'''Mags Bennett''': If you had a problem, you should have come to me, ''like always.''
:'''Dickie Bennett''': Even after you disowned me? No, I don't think so. You know, you can just go off. Go make all your big future plans, Mama. Go on, get Doyle and his tads their seat in future land, tomorrow land. I'll tell you what, I am living in the here and now, in Harlan County, and I ain't about to sit by and watch while a Crowder takes and takes and takes what's ours!
:'''Doyle Bennett''': You need to watch yourself, boy.
:'''Dickie Bennett''': It's my turn now.
:'''Mags Bennett''': You want to be in charge? Is that what this is about?
:'''Dickie Bennett''': I want... what's coming to me.
:'''Mags Bennett''': Okay, Mr. President.
:'''Dickie Bennett''': I want what's coming to me!
:'''Mags Bennett''': Helen is dead. Everyone know that you're to blame. Raylan's already been at the store, what are you gonna do when he catches up to you?
:'''Dickie Bennett''': That ain't gonna happen. We're gonna throw Raylan off that scent, give him a damn good reason to stand down.
:'''Doyle Bennett''': Yeah? How's that?
:'''Dickie Bennett''': Jed's gonna get himself killed resisting arrest.
:'''Doyle Bennett''': ...Goddamn. You gonna ask that of me after everything I done for you?
:'''Dickie Bennett''': I'm gonna tell you where he hides his share of the money. You find that and his shotgun, and you match his blood with the drops I made sure to leave at the scene... there you have it.
:'''Mags Bennett''': Dickie, I swear - your actions jeopardize my plans in anyway, I will let you swing for it.
:'''Dickie Bennett''': By which I believe you mean, &quot;that's a damn good plan you got there, my darling son!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': Give me one reason why I shouldn't come up there and kick the living shit out of you.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': I'll give you 15 reasons in the mag, and one in the chamber.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boyd Crowder''': We can draw him out.
:'''Raylan Givens''': How would we do that? Take you to the middle of town, tie you to a tree, and wait?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dickie Bennett''': I said I said, you don't you have to do this, Raylan! 
:'''Raylan Givens''': Of course I do. This is who we are, Dickie. This is who we've always been. Givens, Bennetts going on what? Nearly a hundred years now. And this is how it ends. It can just end.

=== ''Bloody Harlan'' [2.13] ===

:'''Boyd Crowder''': Are you asking me or are you telling me? 
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Well, if it makes you feel better, you can tell people I asked.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': Doyle, I need you and your boys to put your guns down. 
:'''Doyle Bennett''': And why would we do that? 
:'''Raylan Givens''': Maybe you don't wanna see your brother's brains fly through the air.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Art Mullen''': Assume the position... NOW. Do you dumb-ass peckerwoods understand English? On the ground, hillbillies! NOW!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': You pull that trigger, your life is gonna change. And not for the better. Now, I want you to ask yourself what your daddy would want you to do.
:'''Loretta McCready''': I want him here to tell me.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Killing Mags ain't gonna bring him back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': Mags? What did you do? 
:'''Mags Bennett''': Same thing I did to Loretta's daddy. It's too late. It was already in the glass, not in the jar. ''[starts to convulse]'' This is the hard part. Put an end to my troubles. Get to see my boys again. Get to know the mystery.
:''[Mags dies]''

== Season 3 ==
=== ''The Gun Fighter'' [3.01] ===

:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Boyd, I've been to Mexico, I don't think you'd like it.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': How so?
:'''Raylan Givens''': There's a lot of Mexicans.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Raylan, if a book could only be judged by its cover, you'd be a best seller.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Derek &quot;Devil&quot; Lennox''': You want to keep buying quality bud, you gonna have to take all this off our hands.
:'''Ava Crowder''': Devil! 
:'''Derek &quot;Devil&quot; Lennox''': Stay out of this! 
:'''Rodney &quot;Hot-Rod&quot; Dunham''': Pull your head out of your ass, son. This is serious weight, and these are dangerous times. Now, you want this to get ugly? It can!
:'''Ava Crowder''': Of course that's not what we want, Mr. Dunham. We appreciate you coming by.
:'''Rodney &quot;Hot-Rod&quot; Dunham''': You're lucky I was already in Knoxville. If I'd come eight hours from Memphis for this, I'd be obliged to kick somebody's ass! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fletcher Nix''': ''[to Delmar Coates]'' Now, I don't like wearing a mask. I'm too pretty. So I am gonna have to kill you. But I'll tell you what, there's this game I like to play. I'm gonna put this gun between us and have the pizza man count it down from 10. When he gets to 1, we both go for it, so you got the same chance I got. That sounds fair, right?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wynn Duffy''': As a matter of fact, as I recall, last time we met, you told me the next conversation we had &quot;wasn't gonna be a conversation&quot;.
:'''Raylan Givens''': This is a different conversation.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fletcher Nix''': I like your hat. There much call for cowboys these days?
:'''Raylan Givens''': You would be surprised.

=== ''Cut Ties'' [3.02] ===

:'''Boyd Crowder''': Well now, Raylan, you're talking to a man who's sleeping with his dead brother's widow and murderess, so if you're looking for someone to cast stones at you on this matter, I think you've picked the wrong sinner.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': It bears a striking resemblance to the creature from &quot;Alien&quot;.
:'''Winona Hawkins''': It's 6 weeks old, Raylan.
:'''Raylan Givens''': All right. Don't come running to me when it busts out your ribcage.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': When did ya get married?
:'''Karen Goodall''': Two months before I got divorced.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Art Mullen''': You know, back in the old days, we used to use the phone book. You know, whack! But people don't even have phone books anymore. We still used to tell people, &quot;you have the right to remain silent as long as you can stand the pain&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ellstin Limehouse''': Bernard, did you ever hear me argue with your dad about the best way to train a dog? There was a time I thought that, uh, pain was the only thing a dog remembers. But it was your daddy who taught me a dog also remembers when you elect not to hurt him. And if you can get your dog to not just remember, but to learn from the not hurting, then he's yours for life. But some dogs, though, they take you not giving them the hurt that they deserve as weakness. And after that first pass, well, they can't ever be taught. You got no choice but to put that dog down. You ever see what happens when you put too much lye in the scalding water? Well, it burns off the hair and the hog's skin besides. Now, I'm gonna give you a choice, Bernard. I can pour some of this here on the back of your hand, see, turn the heat on the pressure hose up near boiling, and then we'll take this hand, and we stick it in under the stream till I decide we square. Then we take your hand out, pour on some vinegar, and hope that lye hasn't eaten down to the bone. Or you promise me that you will never fail me again in any capacity, and we can all go on back about our evening. Now, before you choose, I'm gonna tell you what. That first way hurt like nothing that you ain't ever felt, but it'll square us. Second way doesn't hurt, but it'll mean next time you screw up, I'll have to take that as a sign that you don't respect me anymore. Now, can I assume from your face that you're choosing door number two?

=== ''Harlan Roulette'' [3.03] ===

:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': These boots aren't made for running.
:'''Art Mullan''': And yet chasing fugitives is a marshal's primary function.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glen Fogle''': Pull it again.
:'''JT''': That's not how Russian Roulette works.
:'''Glen Fogle''': You're not playing Russian Roulette dumb shit, you're playing Harlan Roulette!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glen Fogle''': ''[after JT survives Fogle's game of 'Harlan Roulette']'' Maybe it's just your lucky day, son. ''[Fogle keeps pulling the trigger until he shoots JT]'' Or maybe not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glen Fogle''': ''[about Raylan]'' You like old friends or something?
:'''Wade Messer''': Well, I-I set him up for Dickie Bennett, strung him up in a tree. I don't know, is that a friend?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wade Messer''': We're old friends, aren't we?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Friends? You strung me up, and left me for dead.
:'''Wade Messer''': I thought that was water under the bridge.

=== ''The Devil You Know'' [3.04] ===

:'''Derek &quot;Devil&quot; Lennox''': Just wondering if and when we're ever gonna actually make a move on something worth moving on.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': And I told you that time is coming. ''[as Raylan arrives]'' But we're gonna have to put a pin in this for now 'cause I'm sensing a disturbance in the force.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Well, you know what they say: getting old ain't for pussies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rachel Brooks''': ''[to Errol]'' I'm ready to get dirty. Are you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Devil, knowing me the way that you do, whatever led you in your imagination to believe that you could pull this off? ''[Johnny aims his gun at Devil]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boyd Crowder''': ''[to a dying Devil]'' All I ever asked for was your loyalty. Was I not entitled to that, after everything that we've been through? I know how much it hurts. I've been right where you are, laid out on the ground and holding my chest, looking up at the ceiling, trying to find my breath. Devil, I was lucky I made it back. Son, you ain't gonna make it back. You want some help with the pain? You close your eyes, son.

=== ''Thick as Mud'' [3.05] ===

:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Well, maybe Lawrence Nightingale really did take him prisoner. Get it? Lawrence instead of Florence. Lawrence Nightingale.
:'''Rachel Brooks''': Yeah. I got it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boyd Crowder''': ''[to Doc Stern]'' Well, now, way I see this thing, you're between a rock and a much, much harder rock.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': Have you been pissing?
:'''Dewey Crowe''': He took my kidneys, Raylan, not my dick!
:'''Raylan Givens''': Your kidneys are for pissing. So why don't you try taking a leak, and if you can do it, then we know you still got your two kidneys.
:'''Dewey Crowe''': Come on, come on. ''[starts urinating]'' Holy shit. You mean I have four kidneys?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': Honey, if I started arresting people for committing adultery, I'd never make it home for supper.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robert Quarles''': Boyd, have you heard the saying, &quot;the most successful war seldom pays for its losses&quot;?
:'''Boyd Crowder''': [[Thomas Jefferson]]. Prison doesn't offer much, but it does give a man ample time to read.

=== ''When The Guns Come Out'' [3.06] ===

:'''Arlo Givens''': Sneak up on a man like that; good way to get yourself shot.
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': By you in your boxer shorts there? I think I got the drop on you this time, Arlo.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': ''[to Boyd]'' You want to run your hillbilly heroin fiefdom up here, that’s between you and the great state of Kentucky. I got no interest in shitkicker-on-shitkicker crime. But you will not drag me into this. The next time you set up an operation in this county or any other it better not have my God damn family name on the deed or so help me God, I will lose this star and the dance we do subsequent to that will not end with you finding Jesus in a hospital bed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Delroy Baker''': Shit, I guess my invite to this little &quot;partay&quot; got lost in the mail.
:'''Raylan Givens''': No, actually, you just weren't invited.
:'''Delroy Baker''': No, see, this here is my partay, and if you want to partake, you got to see me first. Do you understand? 
:'''Raylan Givens''': Yeah, I do. But not today. Today's opposite day. So if you got business in here, you need to go outside and wait your turn.
:'''Delroy Baker''': Yeah? And what if I got no patience and I hate waiting? 
:''[Delroy takes out his knife, and Raylan pulls back his jacket to expose his gun]''
:'''Raylan Givens''': Shit. I didn't bring a knife.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ellstin Limehouse''': You still don't even know what you done, do you?
:'''Errol Butler''': I was just trying to clear the playing field. You know, get us control of things—
:'''Ellstin Limehouse''': Why?
:'''Errol Butler''': What?
:'''Ellstin Limehouse''': Say you was able to start a war between Frankfort and Crowder. Nobody ever found out you fired the shot that started the whole thing, and they wipe each other off the face of this earth—then what? 
:'''Errol Butler''': Well, then we run this shit.
:'''Ellstin Limehouse''': Oh. So that's what you want. Be a gangster. Gold chains and champagne and the hos and shit. Oh, son. We have survived in these hills on our own for 15 decades by staying among ourselves.
:'''Errol Butler''': Yeah, but it ain't got to be like that anymore.
:'''Ellstin Limehouse''': When your foolishness brings this war to our doorstep, how long do you think we gonna last then? 
:'''Errol Butler''': What we got to be scared of? They got guns, we got guns, too!
:'''Ellstin Limehouse''': Guns enough for the law? And for all the hillbillies that are gonna start taking it personal when we start killing white folks? They always wanted us gone, and now you done exposed us to every buried hate-filled desire in this county. And when the blood starts to spill, it will be on your hands.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Winona Hawkins''': If you wanted to change your life for me, Raylan, you would have done so by now.

=== ''The Man Behind the Curtain'' [3.07] ===

:'''Robert Quarles''': I'll be back for the crown prince's arrival. And I ''will'' get us more money. I'm just gonna put a smile on my face, and eat a nice plate of steaming shit... unsalted.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sammy Tonin''': What you got to remember is Dad ain't big on second chances, and you only got one because of what he invested in you in the first place.
:'''Robert Quarles''': Tell the old man that I do not need a second chance.
:'''Sammy Tonin''': That's good. Because you remember what happened last time there were hiccups? You went a little crazy, you remember that? Have you told Mr. Duffy here about your your rent boy? About all it took to squash that? 
:'''Robert Quarles''': I don't think Mr. Duffy is interested in the story. Anything else, Sam? No? Good. Then we got a lot of work to do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': I got mad ninja skills, buddy.
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Yeah, you know karate?
:'''Raylan Givens''': And two other Japanese words.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shelby Parlow''': I'm a greeter now.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': I don't think I could say &quot;hello&quot; to that many people.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robert Quarles''': I just got lucky. Amazing wife. Great kids. No, my problem all stems from my work.
:'''Gary Hawkins''': Ohh, yeah?
:'''Robert Quarles''': I swear, I'd be running the whole organization if it wasn't for my boss's idiot son.

=== ''Watching the Detectives'' [3.08] ===

:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': ''[about dropping a bullet on Winn]'' I told him the next one might be coming a little faster.
:'''Garrity''': Deputy, that might just be the coolest thing I've ever laid ears on.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jeremy Barkley''': Who are you?
:'''Garrity''': Detective Garrity, Lexington PD.
:'''Jeremy Barkley''': And I'm FBI. Wait your turn.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''David Vasquez''': Arlo, a lifetime criminal. Is that a fair description?
:'''Raylan Givens''': I'd add &quot;petty&quot; to be more accurate.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': ''[After being questioned in a murder case]'' That is bullshit, and you know it.
:'''Art Mullen''': Is it?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Is that a real question?
:'''Art Mullen''': Well, it had a question mark.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': He's got the ice-cold, remorseless bottle-blond shit-bag killer doing scut work.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Deputy, are you accusing me of being a fake blond? Because if you need me to prove it to you, I might be inclined to break you over that step ladder, ride you down like a teaser pony, and paint this room an entirely different color.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Now, that is the Wynn Duffy I remember.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': You concerned about me, Raylan? 
:'''Raylan Givens''': Little bit. The S.S. Quarles is going under. You best swim like hell to get clear or the whirlpool will take you down with it.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': I believe they disproved that on ''[[MythBusters]]''.

=== ''Loose Ends'' [3.09] ===

:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': ''[about Boyd]'' Still think you can change him, huh?
:'''Ava Crowder''': I'm not trying to change him. I'm trying to help him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Delroy Baker''': ''[to Ellen May]'' See, darling, you got to understand, business is always gonna triumph— ''[Ava shoots Delroy in the chest with her shotgun]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Well, Mr. Napier, I'd like to think that if I was behind an attempt on your life, at the very least I would've messed up your hair.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boyd Crowder''': My question is, does Mr. Napier know the name of the company that fired Shelby from his security job? Well, I'll save you the trouble. The name of that company was Black Pike Coal. Now, do you want us all to believe that Shelby here's a dishonest man because Black Pike tells us so? Do you think that Shelby's the only man in this room been done wrong by a coal-mining company? 
:'''Tillman Napier''': Mr. Moderator, how many questions you gonna let this convict ask?
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Mr. Napier, everybody here knows that the only men the company doesn't do wrong are company men. And you stand up there with your slick haircut. You look down on Shelby because this man works for a living. You talk down to me because I've been in trouble with the law. Well, you know when that trouble began? Why don't you ask your good friend Harvey Jones? He was there. He was on the line when we struck out at Eastover Brookside, Duke power scabs, and gun thugs coming after us with bicycle chains and bats! Trying to run us over in their cars! And I know that you weren't there, Mr. Napier...but there sure were a lot of men there who looked like you. Men standing on the company side, laughing at all us hillbillies who were just trying to stand up for what we believed in. Now, I'm not saying you're a bad man, Mr. Napier. That, I don't know. But what I do know is that you've been feeding too long at the public trough. Now, I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm gonna say no to the company man. I'm gonna say no to the lawmen who disrespect the rights of the people whose taxes pay for their salaries! And I'm gonna say no, I'm gonna say no, I'm gonna say no to Sheriff Tillman Napier, who laughs in our faces while he makes money off our backs!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ellstin Limehouse''': You rather talk pig shit?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Close... Robert Quarles.

=== ''Guy Walks Into a Bar'' [3.10] ===

:'''Johnny Crowder''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, you taking actual shot glasses? No, no, no, put those back and pull the goddamn Dixie cups that I brought! Oh, good lord... shot of the cheap stuff for every vote and shot of the good stuff if they bring a friend.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Now make sure you water down that cheap stuff enough so it lasts.
:'''Johnny Crowder''': The boys I hired, they know what they're doing.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Alright, Arlo's got a guy hauling folks out of Paden Holler.
:'''Johnny Crowder''': That's good, and Emmett Holler?
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Well, Arlo's gonna make that run himself.
:'''Johnny Crowder''': ''Arlo's'' driving a bus? Oh shit, well there's some folks might not make it to the polls.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Ava, baby, how are things on your end?
:'''Ava Crowder''': Oh, the girls are excited to practice their constitutional right to vote, and to give a free hand job for every vote cast for our man, Shelby. They already gave out blowjobs to a couple boys Napier was counting on to haul for him... and ''convinced'' them to take the day off.
:'''Shelby Parlow''': I'm not sure I oughta be listening to this.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Well, Shelby, now this is the nature of Harlan County politics. The people of Harlan County are ready for a change, they deserve a change, and we gonna win this thing.
:'''Johnny Crowder''': Damn straight.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Yes we can!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boyd Crowder''': You're a lucky man, Mr. Quarles. You get to come all the way down here, a place you got no right being. You get to eat our food. You get to drink our whisky. You get to look at our women as you try to take it all for yourself. Why, you know what you are? You're a conquistador. Only we are not your savages. And now you get to leave with your life. Well, I'm hard-pressed to remember the last outsider in your line of work can say that. I hope you've enjoyed your stay... and you never forget who packed your bags.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Mr. Quarles, maybe it is time you leave Kentucky.
:'''Robert Quarles''': I got nowhere else to go.
:''[Someone knocks on the door. Wynn goes to check]''
:'''Wynn Duffy''': It's some kid.
:'''Robert Quarles''': See what he wants.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Can I help you? ''(Donovan backs him up with a gun in his hand)'' Good call.
:'''Robert Quarles''': Yeah. ''(pause)'' Oh! There's a young man with a gun in our trailer, Wynn.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Yeah, I noticed.
:'''Robert Quarles''': Did- did you do something to upset him?
:'''Wynn Duffy''': I don't even know him.
:'''Donovan''': You and me got a friend in common.
:'''Robert Quarles''': Oh yeah?
:'''Donovan''': Brady Hughes.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Who's Brady Hughes?
:'''Donovan''': ...Go ahead. Tell him.
:'''Robert Quarles''': You're friends with Brady?
:'''Donovan''': Friends enough to know that the last time anyone saw him was with you, getting into a car together.
:'''Robert Quarles''': Brady is a ''beautiful'' soul.
:'''Donovan''': I don't want to hear your bullshit!
:'''Robert Quarles''': What would you like to hear?
:'''Donovan''': The truth! I want you to admit that you killed him.
:'''Robert Quarles''': But that's not true.
:'''Donovan''': Then where is he?
:'''Robert Quarles''': I don't know.
:'''Donovan''': Yes, you did! You killed him, and I want to hear you say it.
:'''Robert Quarles''': And then you're going to kill ''me?''
:'''Donovan''': Say it!
:'''Robert Quarles''': How old are you, son?
:'''Donovan''': Old enough-
:'''Robert Quarles''': 19? 20? I was 14 years old when I killed my first man. I was given a choice: I would do it myself, or they would do it for me.
:'''Donovan''': You took him from me.
:'''Robert Quarles''': ...No. I didn't. My father was a heroin addict. ''(gets up)'' He wasn't necessarily an evil man, but he couldn't kick his addiction, couldn't hold a job, either. But to feed his addiction, he used the resources at his disposal. 
:'''Donovan''': I don't care about your shit!
:'''Robert Quarles''': Luckily for my father, he had a very... ''pretty'' little boy. And plenty of men were willing to pay for my company. What is your name? 
:'''Donovan''': Donovan.
:'''Robert Quarles''': That's what it was like for me, Donovan, for many years. ''(approaches Donovan)'' And then one day, a man named Theo realized what was happening. You see, Theo believed deeply in family, and one afternoon, an associate of Theo's picked me up from school, and we took a ride in his Cadillac to a warehouse. Theo ushered me in, where inside, on his knees, was my father. I was 14 years old, and I remember how it felt... to suddenly be free. You see, Donovan, I understood your friend Brady. I knew him without really knowing him, do you understand?
:'''Donovan''': Then why'd you hurt him?
:'''Robert Quarles''': &quot;Hurt him?&quot; No, son, I never hurt him. I did everything I could to help him. ''(points Donovan's gun away and hugs him)'' And then I set him free. I set him free.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': I'm sorry, we're closed.
:'''Robert Quarles''': Sure doesn't look closed.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Yeah, well, we are. We're closed.
:'''Robert Quarles''': Oh, that's right. He's the ''bouncer'' now.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Wynn, take him out of here.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': I voiced my concerns, and they fell on deaf ears.
:'''Raylan Givens''': You got two minutes-
:'''Robert Quarles''': Marshal, aren't you going to ask me what I want?
:'''Raylan Givens''': I don't think I will, no.
:'''Robert Quarles''': There was an election today in Harlan County, and your man Boyd Crowder pulled a fast one on me. He slipped that hillbilly rug right out from under my feet.
:'''Raylan Givens''': I'm just gonna file that under &quot;Who Gives A Shit?&quot;
:'''Robert Quarles''': Well now, usually I'd be in a position to handle something like that, ''(snorts)'' because that's what I do. But then I got to thinking, I'd still have to worry about incurring your wrath.
:'''Raylan Givens''': I'm sorry, my wrath? Uh, you don't need to worry about that. You guys can take each other out.
:'''Robert Quarles''': And your father?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Sure, him too. Take 'em both out.
:'''Robert Quarles''': And that's why you are the way you are, Raylan. 'Cause your daddy's a criminal.
:'''Raylan Givens''': That's it, your two minutes are up.
:'''Robert Quarles''': I understand you've been snooping around about my friend, Brady Hughes.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Brady Hughes? Who's that, that the street kid you killed?
:'''Robert Quarles''': ''(gets up)'' You know, I decided upon something tonight, Jim Bob.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Did you?
:'''Robert Quarles''': I did... but I wanted to come down here and talk to you myself, right out of the horse's mouth.
:'''Raylan Givens''': I'm sure that wasn't necessary-
:''' Robert Quarles''': I'm gonna ''kill'' you, Raylan. Maybe not tonight, maybe not tomorrow, but some day you'll be walking down the street and I'm gonna put a bullet right in the back of your skull and you're gonna drop.
:''[Raylan draws his gun and fires it into the ceiling.]''
:''' Raylan Givens''': US Marshal! I want everyone out of the building, right now! Get your stuff and get out! ''(Quarles laughs)'' Why wait?
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Okay, you had your fun. Let's go-
:'''Robert Quarles''': I'm not going anywhere. Neither are you. So how long do you think it'll take before the cops get here?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Mmm, they may not even come. I did show my badge.
:'''Robert Quarles''': And how do we do this?
:'''Raylan Givens''': You draw. I put you down.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robert Quarles''': And people will conspire to keep you down. You will reach for the edge, and they will lean the heels of their boots on your fingers. And you just keep fighting, and scratching and pulling, and just when you think you've reached the top of the mountain, they changed the rules. Then you have to start from the beginning, so what do you do? I know what you don't do, you don't quit. You don't run. You don't stick that gun in the back of your throat. You realize that you were wrong, you were wrong in thinking that you had already won. You claw your way back into the fight. True victory... is when you crush your opponent so completely that he realizes that he was wrong in opposing you from the beginning. And you stand atop of the mountain.

=== ''Measures'' [3.11] ===

:'''Robert Quarles''': You know, you disappoint me, Wynn. Word around the Detroit campfire is that you were a wild man. Comes to a little nut-cutting, suddenly you want to bitch out. Don't be like the rest of them. You can't have the &quot;Duffy&quot; without the &quot;Wynn&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Longbaugh''': This is a katana. My granddad pulled this off a dead jap officer at Shuri castle, Okinawa!
:'''Robert Quarles''': The greatest generation at work.
:'''Longbaugh''': He was a lying old sack of shit. Probably just bought it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Art, I've got a daddy.
:'''Art Mullan''': Yeah, I've met your daddy.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Fair enough, continue.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sarno''': You know, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you sent us there expecting him to take care of us.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Or you'd take care of him, have to go on the run either way.
:''[Sarno's associate moves to raise his gun; Sarno stops him]''
:'''Sarno''': Whoa. A man doesn't talk like that unless he's holding the nuts.
:''[Duffy lifts his gun from under the table]''
:'''Sarno''': Ah.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': It's nothing personal. I just figured the more soldiers Quarles has down here, the more tenuous my position becomes.
:'''Sarno''':  Did you figure if you didn't put us together with him, we'd just go away? 
:'''Wynn Duffy''': I figured it would buy me some time to cut a deal help you in exchange for a guarantee that I don't get left out in the cold.
:'''Sarno''': Hmm. Well, how about you help us in exchange for your lives?
:'''Wynn Duffy''': That sounds a little odd coming from the guy not holding the gun.
:'''Sarno''': Did you help Quarles because of the guns he had or because of who was behind him? Theo Tonin he carries this ear around in his pocket.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': I'm sorry. It sounded like you said—
:'''Sarno''': Yeah, yeah. It's a human ear. And, uh, whenever he wants to get some guy's attention, he just takes out the ear and he starts talking into it.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Hmm. What does he say?
:'''Sarno''': I don't think it really matters.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sarno''': You know, there was a day when I would have said nobody could stealth me.
:'''Art Mullan''': Yeah? What happened? Lose your edge or just realize you weren't that good to begin with?
:'''Sarno''': Maybe a little of both.

=== ''Coalition'' [3.12] ===

:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': You really think this is gonna go down?
:'''Tom Bergen''': I hope so, because if I'm missing my boy's tee ball game for nothing I'm gonna be pissed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Are you sure you're alright with this?
:'''Ava Crowder''': $3.2 million. I might find a way to get right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wynn Duffy''': The point is, Mr. Crowder, when he asks me, and he will, where Robert Quarles is, does Theo Tonin sound like the kind of man to whom you'd like to say, &quot;I'm sorry, but he escaped from a disease-ridden whore factory up in inbred holler&quot;?! 
:'''Boyd Crowder''': I'm gonna let that one go.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ellstin Limehouse''': Now it's funny how that money bring together all them wayward personalities.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Are you smoking Oxycontin in my motor coach?
:'''Robert Quarles''': I most certainly am.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Do that in your own vehicle.
:'''Robert Quarles''': My car's not that comfortable.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Robert. Limehouse told you where to wait. Go wait there.
:'''Robert Quarles''': Is daddy getting mad? 
:'''Wynn Duffy''': For once in your life, do what has been asked of you.

=== ''Slaughterhouse'' [3.13] ===

:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': You remember the pawn-shop owner you sent after me, Glen Fogle? 
:'''Wynn Duffy''': God rest his soul.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Had a little game he liked to play with his flunkies. Are you familiar? 
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Uh, remind me?
:'''Raylan Givens''': I ask you a question. You answer truthfully, or I pull the trigger. You understand? 
:'''Wynn Duffy''': It seems simple enough.
:'''Raylan Givens''': You have any questions? 
:'''Wynn Duffy''': What are you doing? 
:'''Raylan Givens''': Is that your question? 
:'''Wynn Duffy''': You think you can make me talk? 
:'''Raylan Givens''': That's your choice.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Or you're gonna shoot me? 
:'''Raylan Givens''': There's a five out of six chance I won't.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Bullshit.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Where's Quarles? 
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Kiss my ass.
:''[Raylan aims at Duffy and pulls the trigger. The gun doesn't fire.''
:'''Wynn Duffy''': '''''Jesus!''''' ''Christ!'' There are cops outside!
:'''Raylan Givens''': That's right. They're outside.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': ''You're'' a cop!
:'''Raylan Givens''': Deputy U.S. Marshal.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Raylan, you just can't come in here and ''shoot me'' because you- y- you '''''feel like it!''''' 
:'''Raylan Givens''': Why not? Isn't that the way you guys do it? Isn't that why ''Tom Bergen's dead'' while his wife and children are grieving? So, you know what? Now we're gonna play by your rules.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Raylan—
:'''Raylan Givens''': Where's Quarles? 
:'''Wynn Duffy''': I don't know! 
:''[Raylan pulls the trigger again]''
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Jesus! Stop it! What is ''wrong'' with you?! 
:'''Raylan Givens''': You want me to stop, tell me the truth.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': How can I tell you what I don't know? 
:'''Raylan Givens''': Start with telling me what you do know.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Okay. Just give me a minute.
:'''Raylan Givens''': No.
:''[Raylan raises his gun again]''
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Hey! Hey! Hey! Okay! What do I know?! What do I know?! I know that, uh I know that Limehouse set this all up! I know that Quarles likes young boys. Who do you think called in the Brady Hughes tip? Me! I know that he wants you dead, and he probably wants me dead, too. And, yes, I tried to blow him up in his car! And then I drove away! That's what I know! 
:'''Raylan Givens''': That's it? 
:'''Wynn Duffy''': That is all I know! 
:'''Raylan Givens''': You don't know where he is? 
:'''Wynn Duffy''': I don't know where he is! 
:'''Raylan Givens''': Okay. I believe you.
:''[Raylan leaves]''
:'''Wynn Duffy''': ''Jesus Christ!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Art Mullen''': ''[to Boyd]'' You're not as dumb as you look. I like the use of the word cahoots, though.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': ''[about Limehouse]'' A horsefly sneezes in these hills, he knows about it beforehand, but I'm to believe the car bomb and the dead trooper down the road comes as news.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Well I guess we best both sleep with one eye open.
:'''Ellstin Limehouse''': I always do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': I guess Art thought what Arlo had done upset me in some way. Could really only be expected; Arlo's a criminal, never been anything else. Art offered me a drink. I didn't need it but I took it anyway... then Boyd got his release. I asked if he was proud, letting a feeble old man take the fall for him - didn't seem to bother him none, one way or the other. He just walked out of there, happy as a preacher on Sunday.
:'''Winona Hawkins''': So then you came here, asking for another drink you don't need.
:'''Raylan Givens''': You sure all your sister has is water?
:'''Winona Hawkins''': I offered you milk and apple juice.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Not even light beer?
:'''Winona Hawkins''': Raylan, why are you here?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Well, I told you when I came in. Was just... wondering how this was all gonna work out. So you're gonna stay here with your sister until the baby's born?
:'''Winona Hawkins''': Mhm... is that it?
:'''Raylan Givens''': I thought I might pat the belly, see the latest sonogram-
:'''Winona Hawkins''': Tell me a story about a man getting his arm chopped off.
:'''Raylan Givens''': ''[about Quarles]'' You know what they're saying at the office? I dis-armed him.
:'''Winona Hawkins''': 'S pretty good.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Well, uh, it's getting late, I should go. I'll let you get back to sleep. Apologize to your sister for me.
:'''Winona Hawkins''': I will. Hey, Raylan? Only thing I didn't understand... why- why did Art think you'd be upset?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Well, I think it was why Arlo shot Bergen.
:'''Winona Hawkins''': Which was?
:'''Raylan Givens''': He didn't know he was a state trooper. Just saw a man in a hat, pointing a gun at Boyd.

== Season 4 ==
=== ''Hole in the Wall'' [4.01] ===

:'''Jody Adair''': You think this is the first time I had a gun pointed at me?
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': No... could be your last though.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': You know what your problem is? You got no self-awareness. You think trying to do right by your children excuses everything, even killing men.
:'''Jody Adair''': They were heroin dealers. If they'd just give up their money, none of this would have happened.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Any problem, that's someone else's fault. You ever hear of the saying, &quot;You run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. You run into assholes all day, ''you're'' the asshole&quot;?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boyd Crowder''': No one ever said runnin' a criminal enterprise was gonna be this hard, huh?
:'''Ava Crowder''': They left that part out on career day.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jody Adair''': ''[to Roz]'' Shoot him.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Jesus girl, you just showed me your tits 45 minutes ago.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Billy St. Cyr''': Oh, hallelujah! But what you want to know is, do I get bit? Well, am I right? Right. Yes, I do. Now, only twice so far, hallelujah. By this one right here I call Mabel. Now, once, I took her out of her crate too rough, I deserved it. The other time, well, the lord only knows. Both times I survived the venom. It was the lord who saw fit to have me continue my ministry. Now, of course, not all survive. Our daddy and his before died from the serpent's bite, their place in heaven guaranteed, there being no greater sign of obedience to the lord than to be taken home in such a manner. So, that's why we're here. Why are ''you'' here, newcomers? You all come to watch the hillbilly with the snakes? Or did you come to be ''saved?!''

=== ''Where's Waldo?'' [4.02] ===

:'''Art Mullen''': You came here about the job, right? You need to hear about this. I got a young kid here, decorated sniper in Iraq War, Army Ranger, I don't know how many kills he had. Always lookin' to kill somebody else. Probably got PTSD. Probably an alcoholic. Not a matter if that powder keg is gonna blow but when. I got a lady marshall here. Brought in two of the top fifteen fugitives to this office, but she's always tryin' to prove herself. I thought she was gonna be the one that would take this office over when I got ready to retire, but now she's left her husband so it's gonna be fun to monitor her emotional state over the next year, see if she can keep it together. Then I got a local boy, born in Harlan county, been investigated so many times internal affairs has got him on speed dial. Father's in prison for murderin' two people, including a state trooper, and his daddy killed somebody else last night in prison and I get to be the one to tell him about it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Art Mullen''': That mystery bag thing is giving me a bit of a Marshal stiffy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Randall Kusik''': I'll give you a free piece of advice. Next time, bet on me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': I'm sorry, what are we talkin' about?
:'''Art Mullen''': Where were you yesterday?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Why? Did somethin' happen?
:'''Art Mullen''': No. 
:'''Raylan Givens''': So, what's the problem?
:'''Art Mullen''': You're keeping addict hours, you come in late, you leave early, you're haggard. It's like the baby's already been born. 
:'''Raylan Givens''': I don't know what you're talkin' about.
:'''Art Mullen''': Tim?
:'''Tim Gutterson''': I'd rather not take sides.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Thank you. 
:'''Art Mullen''': Well would you rather do morning prisoner transports for the next six months?
:'''Tim Gutterson''': You do seem a little tired.
:'''Art Mullen''': No shit! The question is why? 
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Smart money in the office pool's on exotic dancin'. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boyd Crowder''': I would like to be your distributor of heroin in Harlan county. Now, I figure we split it right down the middle. You and me, we could both make out pretty well.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': But even if I were looking for a partner—which I'm not, by the way—it would have to be someone I could trust.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Well, you can trust me!
:'''Wynn Duffy''': But I don't even trust the way you just now said I could trust you.

=== ''Truth and Consequences'' [4.03] ===

:'''Cassie St. Cyr''': I know why you keep misjudging us.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Do tell.
:'''Cassie St. Cyr''': Unlike the rest of these sorry souls around here we're not afraid of you.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Well, in that case, ma'am, I think we've misjudged each other.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Randall Kusik''': You read what I did to the last old boy tried to make time with my wife? 
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Skimmed it. Something about a coma.
:'''Randall Kusik''': No, I marked him. Now, anytime anybody sees that little greaser gimp around, hears the punch-drunk way that he talks, what they're seeing and hearing is me.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Hmm.
:'''Randall Kusik''': What I made him. So how about at 6:00 this P.M, I put a little limp in that [[w:Gary Cooper|Gary Cooper]] walk, write my name all over that pretty face of yours? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Art Mullen''': ''[to Raylan]'' Admit it. You're getting a little bit of a marshal stiffy yourself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Art Mullen''': If my stiffy lasts much longer I'm going to have to consult my physician. What's your opinion?
:'''Raylan Givens''': On your stiffy? I don't have one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mason Goines''': You don't worry about how long you're gonna live. You worry about how slow you're gonna die.

=== ''The Bird Has Flown'' [4.04] ===

:'''Rachel Brooks''': Are you going to tell me how much money it was or not?
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': I did... it's a goodly sum.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alvin''': Any fool that didn't see that grifter Barbie coming a mile off deserves getting his ass fleeced.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lindsey Salazar''': How's that song go? Look for the rainbow in every storm?
:'''Raylan Givens''': I'll have to download that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Randall Kusik''': Oh, them chickens. You got to understand, man. I've been holding that dream in my head so long, I might kind of lost sight of the thing.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Randall, I know you're shackled, and it ain't half fair, but you say one more word about chickens, I'm gonna shoot you again.

=== ''Kin'' [4.05] ===

:'''Nicky Augustine''': Jerry, really? Is that really the price? Or are you just thinking about taking off with the money? 
:'''Jeremy Barkley''': Jesus, Nicky. What the hell kind of a question is that? 
:'''Nicky Augustine''': Uh, fair.
:'''Jeremy Barkley''': I mean, I've always been protecting you. I mean, we're friends.
:'''Nicky Augustine''': We are. But I heard the FBI doesn't even have the case anymore. The Marshals are running it.
:'''Jeremy Barkley''': ''[suddenly nervous]'' Where you hear that?
:'''Nicky Augustine''': Do you really think that you're the only guy Theo's got left in the FBI?
:''[Nicky shoots Barkley in the head]''

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Josiah Cairn''': It was the young people drove me out. No values no more.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Whole world's a tree, Raylan. I'm just a squirrel trying to get a nut.

=== ''Foot Chase'' [4.06] ===

:'''Cop''': Waste of time if you ask me.
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': What is, doing your job?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': Tim tell you I wasn't coming in? 
:'''Art Mullen''': Yes, he did. Said the game was afoot.
:'''Raylan Givens''': ''[sighs]'' Here we go.
:'''Art Mullen''': I'm sure you'll keep putting your best foot forward. Do what needs to be done.
:'''Raylan Givens''': That why you called? Foot puns? 
:'''Art Mullen''': Yes, actually. Yes, it is. It's the only reason.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Any luck delaying Arlo's deal? 
:'''Art Mullen''': No. Sonya Gable hasn't returned our calls.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Why's that? 
:'''Art Mullen''': I suspect she knows that we're trying to delay the deal.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Why the hell would she delay the deal? 
:'''Art Mullen''': Well, I don't know, Raylan. After you finish playing footsie, why don't you go ask her?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Roz''': I didn't have no goddamn sex with Teddy.
:'''Raylan Givens''': No, I'm sure you and &quot;rapes with a smile&quot; here were just talking.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Colton Rhodes''': ''[as he beats Teri]'' Hey, listen, I'm-I'm not a bad person.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Son, you are turning a corner that you can't walk back around.
:'''Shelby Parlow''': Well, that's like warning a man it's gonna rain when he's already wet.

=== ''Money Trap'' [4.07] ===

:'''Sharon Edmunds''': See, Raylan there, he's got the badge and the drawl and the whole squinty, sexy thing, and there was a time I would have run right to him, done the whole merry-go-round. Now I see that for what it is, and him for who he is. That man's an emotional disaster.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tillman Napier''': You're about as welcome here as a case of the clap. You can worm your way in here, but that's all you're ever gonna be. A goddamn worm.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Well, too bad you weren't the early bird that caught it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Jackie Nevada...Sounds like a name out of a Steve McQueen movie.
:'''Jackie Nevada''': My stepdad wanted to call me Sierra, but he named me after my mom instead. She walked out on us before I had a memory of her. They never married, and Reno wasn't even my dad.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Your stepdad's name is Reno? The man's name is actually Reno Nevada? Some kind of lounge singer?
:'''Jackie Nevada''': Card player. Taught me some tricks. Sometimes we get in games together.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Sounds like you had quite an upbringing.
:'''Jackie Nevada''': He did okay. Best he could without my mom. I did see pictures of her posing nude in the backyard once, Reno left on the dresser.
:'''Raylan Givens''': But you never saw your own mother?
:'''Jackie Nevada''': Lots of people haven't seen their moms or their dads.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Yet others do as much as they can to avoid them.
:'''Jackie Nevada''': You just showed your cards.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jody Adair''': That's how I see the world. Going around like this basketball. Me and you gonna have to meet up again, Raylan. Can't say when right now. You're gonna be looking over your shoulder till I make the scene. Then we gonna take it to the edge.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lee Paxton''': I think you're missing the point. Your daddy got the point. Crowders do what we say.

=== ''Outlaw'' [4.08] ===

:'''Wynn Duffy''': Theo's got a guy on his way down who has apparently killed more people than malaria.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ellen May''': Do you think that, um, that I could ever be the kind of woman who belongs in these clothes? And walk into church and not have people say, &quot;Now, ain't that sweet? The whore's come to get saved&quot;? 
:'''Shelby Parlow''': I think If you pretend to be something long enough, it's not pretending.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': ''[at Arlo's bedside]'' You're not gonna say anything, hmm? Just lie there and wait me out. Doc says you've been in and out and there's a chance you'd sleep all the time I was here, but we both know you're too mean to go that easy, so come on. Give me something. I ain't asking for an apology. Hell, that'd take too long, and I don't want any fatherly advice. Figure if you had any worth giving, you wouldn't be circling the drain in a prison infirmary. Just give me something. Who's Drew Thompson? Not for me, for your grandkids. They can grow up with a chief deputy for a daddy, hear stories about their granddaddy who wasn't just a ''son of a bitch''.
:''[Arlo remains silent]''
:'''Raylan Givens''': All right, Arlo. This is your last last chance.
:''[Arlo remains silent, Raylan moves to leave]''
:'''Arlo Givens''': Don't go.
:''[Raylan stops]''
:'''Arlo Givens''': Closer.
:''[Raylan leans in]''
:'''Arlo Givens''': Kiss my ass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boyd Crowder''': ''[being led from the back room of the bar, in handcuffs]'' Raylan Givens!  If you were coming down here anyway why have Shelby drag me in ''again''?
:'''Raylan Givens''': I didn't have him drag you in the first time. ''[indicates the officer leading Boyd]'' What's going on?
:'''Officer''': What's it look like? 
:'''Raylan Givens''': Did Shelby send you?
:'''Officer''': He's the boss, isn't he?
:'''Raylan Givens''': I just saw him not fifteen minutes ago, he didn't mention anything.
:'''Officer''': Maybe he figured it wasn't any of your concern.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Well except I ''told'' him I was coming here.  I'm sorry, we haven't met; I'm deputy US Marshal Raylan Givens.
:'''Officer''': Well, all due respect—
:'''Raylan Givens''': 'K, just, hold up. ''[to Ava]'' Is that an engagement ring?
:'''Ava Crowder''': Mm-hmm.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': 'S a big rock, ain't it?  Now as acrimonious as our relationship has been lately, Raylan, Ava and I discussed it and you still gon' be on the guest list.
:'''Raylan Givens''': ''[to Ava]'' You know the definition of crazy, right?  ''[Ava shakes her head]'' Keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting it to come out different. ''[Ava chuckles]''
:'''Officer''': Sir, I'm gonna need you to step aside.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Okay, maybe ''I'm'' crazy, or I'm just having a hell of a day: did you just give me an order?
:'''Officer''': You don't move, I'm gonna shoot you.
:''[Both draw, Raylan shoots the officer, Ava and Boyd yell in surprise]''
:'''Raylan Givens''': ''[calmly]'' Jesus, I ''hope'' I got that right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Now, all the things you've done, the way you built your fortunes, it might make you criminals, but it don't make you outlaws. ''I'' am the outlaw, and this is ''my'' world, and my world has a high cost of living.

=== ''The Hatchet Tour'' [4.09] ===

:'''Art Mullen''': You let Raylan take him?! Holy shit!
:'''Nelson Dunlop''': He said it was a late birthday present.
:'''Art Mullen''': Arlo Givens' body not even cold on the slab, and you let Raylan drive off into the sunset with his killer! Have you lost your mind?! Where is he? Tell me he's in Leoville, dropping off the prisoner like a good boy.
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Not unless they moved it to Harlan, 'cause transponder's got him around Baxter.
:'''Art Mullen''': God damn it. God damn it! 
:'''Nelson Dunlop''': You want me to go up and get him?
:'''Art Mullen''': I want you to sit your ass down and get used to purging case files until I figure out how to like you again!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': This prisoner is one Hunter Mosley. And he may be the only person I know alive who knows Drew Thompson.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Well, now...
:'''Raylan Givens''': Mr. Mosley is being transported to Supermax in the recent wake of putting a shiv in Arlo Givens, such to end his life. So I figure, Dixie mafia has got a history with Arlo and Drew. Why not put the two of you together and see what shakes out?
:'''Wynn Duffy''': I'm sorry. Wait. Are you saying Arlo is dead? 
:'''Raylan Givens''': You don't seem happy. I figured, if you ordered the hit, we'd all be drinking Wild Turkey by now.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Deputy Marshal, I am truly sorry for your loss, but you have to understand... I had no idea.
:'''Raylan Givens''': ''[beat]'' Thank you, Wynn. Whatever your other failings, I believe that's true.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Raylan is beating Hunter]''
:'''Hunter Mosley''': What the hell are you doing?
:'''Raylan Givens''': In the words of Arlo Givens, I'm trying to knock some goddamn sense into you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Well cousin Johnny, Ava and I have been trying to put together a puzzle and it seems you have some of the missing pieces. Why don't you start from the beginning?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hunter Mosley''': Raylan, you listen to what your mama taught you and not that old son-of-bitch you may turn out all right. But I wouldn't count on it, 'cause we both know whose voice it is that makes you do what you do.

=== ''Get Drew'' [4.10] ===

:'''Art Mullan''': First thing we're gonna do is we're gonna acknowledge that this guy is awesome.
:'''Rachel Brooks''': What?
:'''Art Mullan''': I mean, he shoots Theo Tonin, fakes his own death in spectacular fashion, pushes a guy out of an airplane while he's flying it, parachutes into Harlan county with enough coke and cash to jumpstart the economy of small country, and then he has the balls to get a job in law enforcement, not once, but two times! He spends a couple days riding around with you while you're looking for him, and now he's run off with a hooker half his age. That's some badass shit.
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': It's pretty badass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Johnny Crowder''': Boyd doesn't give a damn about nothing. Never did. When we was kids, he'd build half a tree house, and then he'd run off and go build a go-kart. And then he'd forget them both and spend the whole rest of the summer stealing candy and trading it for cigarettes.
:'''Raylan Givens''': I'll take your word for it. I just dug coal with the man.
:'''Johnny Crowder''': And he gets back from the war, and he finds Jesus. And he receives his ordination through the mail from one of them Bible colleges down in South Carolina or some shit, making us all learn the ways of white supremacy, as it was laid down by the Lord almighty. Then he goes on and on and on about white flight and all that shit. You know what that is?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Mm-hmm. People moving out of town? 
:'''Johnny Crowder''': White people moving to the suburbs.
:'''Rachel Brooks''': 'Cause they want to cut grass and have barbecues? 
:'''Johnny Crowder''': Shit, no. 'Cause they want to get away from black people like you and all the greasers and the asiatics and all the goddamn Mexicans running around infecting the place. But, you know, these are Boyd's words.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Johnny. What's your point? 
:'''Johnny Crowder''': You know what he's doing now, Raylan? He's buying a house in the goddamn suburbs! Up there on Clover Hill, because the man is in love.
:'''Rachel Brooks''': You sound like he stole your girlfriend.
:'''Johnny Crowder''': Ha! No. He stole Raylan's girlfriend. He stole my job. Oh, but I did get this as a consolation prize for believing all of his bullshit.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Thing is, Johnny, you didn't get cut in half from Bo's shotgun 'cause of Boyd. You got shot 'cause that's the shit that happens when you choose to live a life as a small-time asshole.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boyd Crowder''': ''[to Raylan]'' You shoulda been on the other side, with me and your daddy. You'd still be able to shoot people, and be an asshole... your two favorite activities.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Ellstin Limehouse''': You ever been on a plane, Mr. Crowder?
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Why? You plan on taking flying lessons with my money?
:'''Ellstin Limehouse''': I've been having this dream. I dream that I'm flyin' this plane. I mean one of them great, big, old suckers. A jumbo jet. And all the passengers is folks from Noble's Holler. Damn near everybody I know and care about's on this thing. I'm at the controls when all of a sudden, something goes terribly wrong. Lights is flashing, buzzers sounding. And we start going down. And I'm fighting to keep it level, and it ain't no use. And I always wake up just before impact, sweating.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': While I believe I understand your subtle metaphor, what I don't understand is why you feel the need to tell me.
:'''Ellstin Limehouse''': Well I'm telling you so you understand why I'm about to do what I'm about to do.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': Theo Tonin knows we got Drew. He's not gonna be too happy about that. Meaning we just got to figure out how to get out of Harlan alive.

=== ''Decoy'' [4.11] ===

:'''Nicky Augustine''': Look at you, Mr. Crowder. You're a well dressed man, you got a sense of style, you got your shirt buttoned all the way up to the top. I gotta ask where'd you get all those teeth?
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Courtesy of the American taxpayer while serving our great nation in Desert Storm. 
:'''Nicky Augustine''': Man, I love the way you talk, using forty words when four will do. I'm curious. What would you say if I was about to put forty bullets through that beautiful vest of yours?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Art Mullen''': ''[Tim slams on the breaks]'' What the hell?! What are you doing?
:'''Tim Gutterson''': It's not right. 
:'''Art Mullen''': What's not right?
:'''Tim Gutterson''': One abandoned car beside the road's no big deal, but two so close together, that's weird. 
:'''Art Mullen''': That's Kentucky.
:'''Tim Gutterson''': How bout a third? ''[points to another up the road]''
:'''Art Mullen''': What are you thinking? IEDs? 
:'''Tim Gutterson''': I'm not thinking confetti canons.
:'''Art Mullen''': Are you sure about this?
:'''Tim Gutterson''': For all I know I'm just having a full-blown PTSD episode.
:'''Art Mullen''': You get those a lot?
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Only when I'm handling firearms in public.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tim Gutterson''': ''[calling Colt realizing he's put IEDs in cars to ambush his team]'' Am I right in saying that you were in the sandbox before Afghanistan? 
:'''Colton Rhodes''': I am a double winner. Is that why you called, to ask me that?
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Oh, why? You busy?
:'''Colton Rhodes''': I am in the middle of something.
:'''Tim Gutterson''': All right, I'll make it quick. I'm writing a book set in Iraq. There's a chapter where a convey of military police is transporting a criminal, and Lieutenant Dan, he's our main guy, he gets a bad feeling—
:'''Colton Rhodes''': ''[[Forrest Gump]]''.
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Huh?
:'''Colton Rhodes''': There's a Lieutenant Dan in ''Forrest Gump''. 
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Oh shit, you're right. I'll change it. Lieutenant Colt.
:'''Colton Rhodes''': I would like a young [[w:Gérard Depardieu|Gérard Depardieu]] to play me in the movie. I'm honored.
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Well you should be, he's a big guy, a real badass, or he was, he's kind of losing his grip when we meet him, he's lost someone, he's started using dope that he confiscated.
:'''Colton Rhodes''': Yeah but then we find out he's kicked again, and anyone who thinks he's in anyway diminished is in for a big surprise. 
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Yeah, but he's the kind of character might say he's kicked but we all know he's just one broken shoelace away from sayin' &quot;screw it&quot; and picking up again. 
:'''Colton Rhodes''': How about you have him go into a bar and pick a fight with some rangers and he send a couple of them to the hospital?
:'''Tim Gutterson''': It's not a fantasy. Anyway, he gets a bad feeling when they pass an abandoned vehicle, sees a second and a third, so he's thinking IEDs triggered by cell. You ever come across anything like that? 
:'''Colton Rhodes''': Me, personally? No. But I did hear about this one convoy, couple of Frankensteins and a gun truck on Highway 10. So, the spotter, he calls a halt between the first two cars thinking the Hajis will blow the second if it moves forward, and the first if it tries to go back. 
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Well, how'd they get out of it? 
:'''Colton Rhodes''': Yeah, they didn't. Because they were too afraid to move, they just sat there in their vehicles, pssing and shitting in their helmets, too afraid to toss it out the windows on account of possible snipers. Then they ran out of food. They started eating each other till there was only one left, and he blew his brains out. Do you want to know the sad part? 
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Oh, there's a sad part? 
:'''Colton Rhodes''': Yeah. Because they were so afraid to move, they never found out whether or not the cars had explosives. So basically, they all died from being pussies. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicky Augustine''': ''[to Ava]'' Why are you talking? Huh? Oh, you don't like that question? Let me ask you another. How many dicks you got to suck to get to the top of the food chain around here? It's got to be a ton of dicks. It's got to be, like, morning, noon, and night. Like, ever since you were 14. It's got to be like, the alarm goes off, &quot;I'm sucking dick. Where's another dick I can suck?&quot; Dick, dick, dick. Go to bed, suck a dick. Dicks, dicks, dicks. It's got to be a ton. I mean, a small-time, blond girl like you, looking for a better life? Plenty of girls like you, but what sets you apart? Extraordinary vacuuming skills.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicky Augustine''': ''[to Ava]'' You really love Boyd, don't you? That ring he got you, where'd he get it from, one of those claw machines at Denny's? He must be good at that machine, 'cause it's hard to get something, you know.

=== ''Peace of Mind'' [4.12] ===

:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Did you not wake up this morning thinking this was another opportunity to mess up some bad guy's day? I did.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Winona Hawkins''': ''[wanting Raylan to sign paperwork for their baby]'' It's kind of important that you get it done before she's born.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Yes. Listen, it's gonna be the first thing I do— What did you just say? ''[the office breaks out in applause]'' 
:'''Winona Hawkins''': We're having a girl, Raylan. I found out this morning. 
:'''Raylan Givens''': A girl. Holy shit. Hold on. ''[office continues to clap for him]'' Thank you. I'm on the phone. Seriously. ''[back to Winona]'' Winona, I don't know shit about girls.
:'''Winona Hawkins''': That is so sweet, sayin' it like I don't already know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Art Mullen''': What's the matter with you, Raylan? Not used to positive attention? 
:'''Raylan Givens''': No, I loved that. Can we continue?
:'''Tim Gutterson''': No, the moment's gone.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Colton Rhodes''': ''[lighting a cigarette]'' Gonna quit tomorrow.
:'''Tim Gutterson''': What do you think you're doing? 
:'''Colton Rhodes''': I'm smoking.
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Did you kill my friend? 
:'''Colton Rhodes''': You know what it's like to be in the shit. Go back there enough times, and bad things happen.
:'''Tim Gutterson''': So, you did kill him? 
:'''Colton Rhodes''': Collateral damage. I'm sorry about what happened to your friend Mark, but I think most of him died somewhere in Kandahar.
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Only part I'm concerned about is the one that died here. Last time I'm telling you. Put your weapon on the ground.
:'''Colton Rhodes''': ''[Colt exhales his cigarette smoke]'' I guess I'll quit today.
:''[Colt raises his gun; Tim shoots him in the chest]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boyd Crowder''': I believe you dictate the river of fate through your own actions.

=== ''Ghosts'' [4.13] ===

:'''Ethan Picker''': So, out of nowhere, Crowder calls and says he's bringing the marshal, and you just drop everything to play ''[[High Noon]]''. You want to explain to me how this makes any sense? 
:'''Nicky Augustine''': All the shit I've heard about this guy, there's no way I'm saying no to a face-to-face. Plus, maybe he wants to cut a deal.
:'''Ethan Picker''': I doubt that.
:'''Nicky Augustine''': Well, we'll know shortly.
:'''Ethan Picker''': You're not even a little worried he's trying to set us up, maybe even bust me for that shit at the high school?
:'''Nicky Augustine''': I might be worried if Crowder wasn't bringing him here.
:'''Ethan Picker''': What? You trust Crowder?
:'''Nicky Augustine''': I trust him not to hand us up to the feds, yeah.
:'''Ethan Picker''': You know, Sammy's already pissed we went after the ex-wife.  He wants us to come home now and kiss his new ring. You think it's smart to keep him waiting?
:'''Nicky Augustine''': Sammy is a rat-faced bitch boy.
:'''Ethan Picker''': He's Theo Tonin's rat-faced bitch boy!
:'''Nicky Augustine''': We wouldn't even be having this conversation if you'd popped the marshal in the first place.
:'''Ethan Picker''': ''[chuckles bitterly]'' Christ.
:'''Nicky Augustine''': But instead you let him back you down.
:'''Ethan Picker''': He didn't back me down. The cops pulled up.
:'''Nicky Augustine''': Well, all I know is, if I'd have been there, he'd never walked out.
:'''Ethan Picker''': Oh. And that would have been ''pointless'', Nicky. It would have just drawn heat, as usual.
:'''Nicky Augustine''': You think too much. Pay the check.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Now that you mention it, though, I'm not sure you're one to talk about going straight at a man 'stead of what he loves.
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': You love her, huh? Ava? 
:'''Boyd Crowder''': You have to ask? 
:'''Raylan Givens''': Love her like how? Like how you loved the Lord and your lovely white skin or how you loved Arlo? I know he meant a lot to you.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': You know... ''[sighs]'' ...You can know a fella your whole life and not really know him at all. You know what I think, Raylan? I think you're just jealous that I've got to open a present that will never be under your Christmas tree.
:'''Raylan Givens''': I think you love anything lets you put your head on the pillow at night believin' you ain't the bad guy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Boyd Crowder''': I count four to one. That hardly seems fair.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Which way do you mean?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Ethan Picker''': Higher up the mountain, worse the footing gets.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Plane crashes, first class always hits the hardest.
:'''Ethan Picker''': I learned one thing a long time ago: doesn't pay to be the lead dog.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': What are you carrying?
:'''Nicky Augustine''': Oh, I don't have a gun.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Maybe you should get one.
:'''Nicky Augustine''': Why? So you can have a reason? 
:'''Raylan Givens''': You already gave me a reason.
:'''Nicky Augustine''': Bullshit. Take one look at you, I know you're not the kind of guy who'd just execute me. It's not who you are. Then you come in here with your bullshit cop threats, knowing that if your bluff gets called, you can always hide behind your badge. I don't have a badge. All I got is my word. So if I say I'm gonna kill your family, I'm gonna kill your family! 'Cause these animals out here, they think they can get over on me, they'll tear me to pieces. You want to know where I'm headed? I'm headed to Detroit to kill Theo's pasty little pussy of a son. But I'll be back for your family. You had a chance to save them this morning, but instead, you took out three of my guys. So the only chance they have now is if you use that Glock on me to end this. If you're not gonna do it, get the hell out of my car.

== Season 5 ==

=== ''A Murder of Crowes'' [5.01] ===

:'''Mike Reardon''': Mr. Crowe, a settlement offer of $20,000 has already been made. The U.S. attorney has modified it to three hundred. Do you accept that offer? 
:'''Dewey Crowe''': No, I do not! After what I've been through? My kidneys and everything? You telling me all I get is $300?
:'''Mike Reardon''': $300,000, you nitwit.
:''[Dewey sits down in stunned silence]''
:'''Mike Reardon''': I'll take that as a yes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wade Messer''': Well hey, Raylan.
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Wade.
:'''Wade Messer''': Can I get you a blowjob or something? 
:'''Raylan Givens''': Just some water.
:'''Wade Messer''': I didn't mean me, of course.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Scott Fenton''': The idea behind organized crime is that it's supposed to be organized. When people start using chainsaws, that's a sign. And it is not a good sign.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': You can come back here, and we'll take you in, or swim to Cuba.
:'''Greg Sutter''': That old lady just did it. Might work out for you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daryl Crowe Jr.''': When my daddy, Daryl Senior, died 14 years ago April, he made me promise him on his deathbed I'd keep this family together. Same like he did. No money makes it harder.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Mm-hmm. Your daddy didn't die in his bed. He got drunk and flipped his airboat. You told me yourself, the day I took you to prison.

=== ''The Kids Aren't All Right'' [5.02] ===

:'''Charles Monroe''': You got any idea what that thing is worth? 
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': What, like 100 bucks?
:'''Charles Monroe''': That's a third-model Colt Dragoon used by Confederate General William Mahone.
:'''Raylan Givens''': So more than $100?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charles Monroe''': That's Manuela. She keeps the house. She also sautes up a mean iguana, if you're ever in the mood.
:'''Manuela''': Is very tender.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jay''': He screwed your daughter?
:'''Raylan Givens''': My daughter's in diapers.
:'''Jay''': Damn. That must be awfully upsetting, then, huh?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': First off, whatever transpired between you and those kids gets squashed. No vendetta, no debt. You tell me it's over, and it stays that way.
:'''Rodney &quot;Hot-Rod&quot; Dunham''': Would you prefer that I respond point by point or should I wait till the end?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': You get in the weed business with teenagers, and it's their fault when things go wrong?  You the type of fella who walks under a flock of birds, and is surprised when he ends up with shit on his face?
:
:'''Raylan Givens''': Oh I learned a bit. When I was a boy Arlo had this scam stealing mining equipment, shipping it south, trading it for cocaine. A couple of company men got wind of who was ripping them off and they went after Arlo and his crew. They shot up a couple spots including our house. They killed Caspar Johns. Wasn’t with the crew, was just living with us at the time and then this other fellow that Arlo had been  running with since high school. You get what I’m saying? Even before I went to Glencoe and trained to be a dead shot I seen people kill one another and I learned to be ready in case they came after me to do me harm. In other words I’ll kill four of you before you even clear your weapons and I’ll take my chances with the other two. And you see this star? That’s gonna make it legal. Now do we have an understanding here?

===''Good Intentions'' [5.03]===

:'''Wade Messer''': There's a lot of expense in taking care of whores.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': It's the kind of thing you drop soon as you discover girls. And yet here you are, all growed up, still dinging and donging and don't have the sense to ditch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Now sometimes being a man means you gotta know when to put your foot down. Well, put your foot down, Dewey Crowe!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': I hoped you were the kind of man who chooses not to live in the past.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Well, normally I am. It's just that, you know, try to kill me once, shame on you…

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wynn Duffy''': You're protecting me from a situation that you created?
:'''Raylan Givens''': I can see how'd you'd see it that way if you want to focus on the negative.

===''Over the Mountain'' [5.04]===

:'''Dewey Crowe''': God, I ain't prayed in a while. It's just, I...listen, I ain't fixing to die out here in the woods like some animal. You hear me? That's bullshit. Jesus, if you help me find him, once I kill him, I swear, I'll straighten up. I'll go to church, Sunday school, whatever you want. But, Goddamnit, I got to get this thing done, you understand? I ain't ever asked you for shit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Did it get you? 
:'''Tim Gutterson''': No, but I think something just came between me and my Calvins.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Albert Fekus''': What were you smirking at when I come in?
:'''Ava Crowder''': Nothing.
:'''Albert Fekus''': Girl, you &quot;nothing&quot; me again, I will smash your face into that toilet till there ain't nothing left to recognize. Now answer my question.
:'''Ava Crowder''': I was thinking, aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dewey Crowe''': You can't keep me in here, Daryl. This is false imprisonment or some shit.
:'''Daryl Crowe Jr.''': So, what, you gonna call the law on me? 
:'''Dewey Crowe''': Well, supposing I did, you son of a bitch, what then? All that shit you made me do, dragging Messer into the woods to kill him! Why'd you make me do that, huh? Why?!
:'''Daryl Crowe Jr.''': You about done with your little hissy fit? Can we talk?
:'''Dewey Crowe''': Why did you make me do that?
:'''Daryl Crowe Jr.''': I'll tell you why. So I know you a damn Crowe. You're one of us.
:'''Dewey Crowe''': I ain't one of you.
:'''Daryl Crowe Jr.''': You ain't? So go on and run away like a full-blown bitch. Go ahead. But I'll tell you what—you get out in the world and take to running your mouth about your kin and all the bad shit we done, just remember which one of us pulled that trigger on Messer. Yeah, big man. That was all you, boy. All you. Or you can take the plunge, stay with family, be a part of what the Crowes are building here, reap the benefits of that good loyalty.
:'''Dewey Crowe''': Sounds like you're selling me tires.
:'''Daryl Crowe Jr.''': Nah, I'm selling you a life, Dewey Crowe. You just got to make a choice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daryl Crowe Jr.''': Marshal, you know good and well ain't nobody going nowhere. Matter of fact, we came up here to lay down roots. 'sides, if you had good enough reason to run us out of here, you'd have done it already. Ain't that right?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Just remember, so when later you're regretting the decision you made, remember I gave you the chance.

=== ''Shot All to Hell'' [5.05] ===

:'''Boyd Crowder''': ''[to Lee Paxton]'' People of Harlan County, rich and poor, will marvel at your debasement and venality. They will spit venom when they speak your name. And they will take your suicide as the last pact of a coward. Now your reputation is ruined, your good word worthless, but death will not be the end of your suffering. For generations your children, and your children's children will have a mark against their name, and that will be your legacy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Art Mullen''': Well, see, now you know my name and I know yours, but these two guys, what, am I just gonna have to guess? I'll bet you're Mike. I'll show you I did my homework. I know that you are his hairdresser.
:'''Mike Cosmatopolis''': You got it, pops. Step outside, I'll give you a clip.
:'''Art Mullen''': Now, that means that you must be, Mr. Picker, right? Ethan Picker. You have a rather noble profile, Mr. Picker. Is that due to your Greek heritage? 
:'''Ethan Picker''': I got my nose from a surgeon in Beverly Hills.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Elias Marcos''': You know why I'm here.
:'''Ethan Picker''': 'Cause you're a boot-licking errand boy?
:'''Elias Marcos''': You talk to me like that because you know I'm not here to work. If I were, there wouldn't be talking.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Elias Marcos''': Let's go.
:'''Art Mullen''': I can't let that happen.
:'''Elias Marcos''': Then we're in a pickle.
:'''Art Mullen''': I'm gonna give you ten seconds to leave, and then I'm gonna shoot you.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': FYI, that's kind of a thing with these marshals.
:'''Elias Marcos''': You really think you're that good?
:'''Art Mullen''': I don't know. I'm getting old. But I'm probably pretty good from this range.
:'''Elias Marcos''': Well, we don't really need to make the 6:00 news. Besides, a thing like this has no expiration date.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daryl Crowe Jr.''': So we're clear: you ''are'' saying no?
:'''Boyd Crowder''': I been accused of being a lot of things. &quot;Inarticulate&quot; ain't one of them.

=== ''Kill the Messenger'' [5.06] ===

:'''Wynn Duffy''': You must be Mr. Yoon.
:'''Mr. Yoon''': And how do you know that? Oh, the one wonton among the tortillas?
:'''Boyd Crowder''': I would have said &quot;kimchee in the salsa.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daryl Crowe Jr.''': ''[to Raylan]'' Got yourself a dark, twisted mind, don't you, Raylan?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Danny Crowe''': Carl said he ain't gonna press charges. He said we were up there doing some sex thing, and it was... it was... consens... it was consexual.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alison Brander''': Who are you, really? The guy whose chief punches him in the eye? That runs off to defend the honor of a lady? A guy that has a lady and the ex and the baby daughter all stashed out of state?
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': I guess so. What's your point?
:'''Alison Brander''': You are a hero, Raylan. I met enough LEOs to know. I can tell you're a man that would run into a burning building without blinking an eye. Thing is, I think you're the one setting the fire.

=== ''Raw Deal'' [5.07] ===

:'''Boyd Crowder''': ''[to Johnny]'' Well, look at you. Even vultures can fly south for the winter.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Yoon''': In all my years of doing business, this is a first. And I don't mean that in a good way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris''': Technology to reply to a post is decades away.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wendy Crowe''': ''[to Raylan]'' I have to admit I find your blatant abuse of government privilege incredibly sexy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boyd Crowder''': ''[to Johnny]'' You know, what you could never understand is that some men lead and some men follow, and when you can't lead and you refuse to follow, you die alone in the desert.

=== ''Whistle Past the Graveyard'' [5.08] ===

:'''Dewey Crowe''': That's gonna look awful bad, we get pulled over with a load of dead dudes in the truck.
:'''Daryl Crowe''': You ain't gotta worry, cousin Dewey. We'll hide 'em underneath all that heroin.

=== ''Wrong Roads'' [5.09] ===

:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': I'm on vacation, actually.
:'''Alex Miller''': Vacation? And you thought you'd come to Memphis and kick the hornet's nest, huh?
:'''Raylan Givens''': And have some ribs.
:'''Alex Miller''': ''[mocking]'' And have some ribs. Yeah.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Hi, this is Wynn Duffy in 236. Could you send up another pot of coffee, please? Because this one tastes like my ass on Sunday. Thank you, dear.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': Miller, would you call this a herd, a gaggle, or a flock of assholes?
:'''Alex Miller''': I would call this a United Nations of assholes.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Well, that's funny because we were just discussing ratifying some shit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Roscoe''': &quot;King Lear&quot;? Shakespeare? Basically, Lear split his kingdom in half and gave it to his two daughters, deal being Lear get to hang out and keep 100 knights. They agree, and then later, these two bitch-ass daughters, they change the deal. They like, &quot;well, daddy, what you need with 100 knights? 50, 10, 5? What you need with one?&quot; Lear says, &quot;reason not the need.&quot; Hot damn! Reason not the need.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Uh-huh. I don't understand what these two are talking about, but I got to admit I'm interested.
:'''Roscoe''': Well, in the analogy, we be Lear, and we just want what's rightfully ours, and then we out, never to be seen again. And, well, they the bitches. You can have them and they kingdom.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Art Mullen''': ''[to Raylan]'' Jesus Christ. Is this real, or has early-onset dementia finally set in, and I'm starting to see you in my waking hours?

=== ''Weight'' [5.10] ===

:'''Dewey Crowe''': This conversation is just you and me.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Hold on, Dewey, I'm gonna put you on speaker phone.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Katherine Hale''': Wow, you got yourself caught between the Detroit rock and the shitkicker hard place. Trafficking in weight, like you said you never would. What happened Wynn? Did you finally just get greedy?
:'''Wynn Duffy''': ''[quietly]'' I don't know what happened.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dickie Bennett''': Alright, Raylan, alright, you win. You wanna find Dewey here's what you do. First of all go to a gas'n'go or whatever and get yourself a map of Kentucky. Follow route 9 southbound with your finger, follow it way way down until you're pointing right at... your asshole, and then what you gonna do is you're gonna take your hand and just go ahead and cram it right up inside. You gotta make sure, Raylan, that you do it in a way so that the rest of you just keeps on following your hand right up your ass, right up inside all that shit you're so full of, Raylan. And then what you gonna do is you're just gonna ''[whistles]'' wink out of existence forever.
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan]]''': Proud of that one, aren't you?
:'''Dickie Bennett''': ...It'll do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Danny Crowe''': I had this buddy that ran a puppy mill in Sarasota, and he got popped for a DUI. He asked me to take care of his puppies. And I found this, this litter of dead puppies. I guess the mom had died when she was giving birth and couldn't take care of the brood. But there was one puppy who was barely alive, and it was Chelsea. And I, I raised her up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boyd Crowder''': You know, I spend most of my time in the company of criminals. Now one could argue I'm guilty by association, but between me and you, I'm every bit as despicable as they are.

=== ''The Toll'' [5.11] ===

:'''Boyd Crowder''': Mr. Picker, the only explaining I've ever done in my life was to my Mama when she caught me sneaking in after my curfew. And you ain't my Mama. But I'll indulge you with a short answer to your question: Shit happens, Mr. Picker.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''David Vasquez''': She tell you anything about why she was at Duffy's hotel suite? 
:'''Rachel Brooks''': ''[imitating Katherine's accent]'' &quot;Visiting an old family friend. Is that a crime?&quot;
:'''David Vasquez''': Well, not compared to racketeering, conspiracy, and murder, no.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ethan Picker''': Our friends in Mexico are furious about the bullshit that happened in the desert—
:'''Wynn Duffy''': I need you to be quiet.
:'''Ethan Picker''': —they're this close to sending a goddamn hit squad up here.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': I need you to stop.
:'''Ethan Picker''': I say we put Boyd Crowder's head in a goddamn box!
:'''Wynn Duffy''': ''[standing]'' ''Mr. Picker!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boyd Crowder''': I may not know a lot about a lot of things, but I do know how to blow shit up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daryl Crowe Jr.''': Just so I'm clear, you're not gonna kill me? 'Cause I was worried for a minute.
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Oh, be worried.
:'''Daryl Crowe Jr.''': Yeah?
:'''Raylan Givens''': 'Cause that web of bullshit you spun around yourself to protect yourself? I'm gonna use it to strangle the life out of you and take away everything you got. Then you're gonna wish I'd have blacked you out—with a bullet to the head.
:'''Daryl Crowe Jr.''': Well, this feels like one of those &quot;time will tell&quot; deals which, as a free man, I have plenty of. Question is: how much time you got?

=== ''Starvation'' [5.12] ===

:'''Wynn Duffy''': Alberto, was it? Alberto, I'm not one to niggle over management styles, but let's say you would have let me know you were coming, I would have preserved some proof for you. A head, say, or a set of teeth?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wynn Duffy''': My suite is being cleaned. The microwave exploded.
:'''Rachel Brooks''': [[American Hustle (2013 film)|Someone put metal in the science oven?]]
:'''Tim Gutterson''': I finally saw that.
:'''Rachel Brooks''': What did you think?
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Needs more [[w:Jason Statham|Jason Statham]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dewey Crowe''': I give you a gift, the anus is on you to take care of it, not just give it away to any old dick face happens along.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dewey Crowe''': This it then, Raylan? No final words, put Dewey Crowe in his place?
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': My advice? Stop talking about yourself in the third person. Makes you sound like a fool.
:'''Dewey Crowe''': Third person? This guy? ''[indicating the driver]'' Man, I don't understand you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': You said you'd help us get him. You didn't get him. So we'll be proceeding to convene a grand jury, bring charges against you as soon as possible.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Are you back to that file bullshit? 
:'''Raylan Givens''': Bullshit? 
:''[Raylan opens his desk and pulls out a thick file of papers.]''
:'''Raylan Givens''': There it is. Thick with the names of the suffering and the dead, and many felled by your own hands. A trail of human wreckage you've left rotting in jail cells and cold graves throughout this state. And why? Because they had the poor judgment to believe your lies and follow your tune. Well, it's high time that tune reached a shuddering crescendo.

=== ''Restitution'' [5.13] ===

:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Say, what's the first thing you ever killed? You're from Florida, right?
:'''Kendal Crowe''': Gator, maybe. When I was 11.
:'''Raylan Givens''': I was 11, too, or thereabouts. Wasn't a gator, though. Will Hendricks' pig got out of its pen, went feral, started tearing up my mama's vegetable patch. Arlo built the trap, caught it, gave me a gun, said, &quot;get 'er done.&quot; You ever see a pig that's gone feral? Nasty. Tusks grow. They get dirty, ill-tempered. They don't look bad from a distance, but get up close, best watch your ass. You hook the gator before you...?
:'''Kendal Crowe''': Danny hooked him. Wanted to do it himself, but Daryl said it was my time.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Well, there you are, pointing that gun at something that's staring back at you, right? Longer I stood there, the less I wanted to do it. Not that I had a choice. Arlo'd tan my hide if I didn't.
:'''Kendal Crowe''': Danny called me a pussy.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Ain't about being a pussy, though, is it? No small thing, taking a life. Hell, my hand was shaking so bad, first shot nearly missed. Pig squealing, bucking, spraying blood. Put three more shots just to get it to lay still. I knew I should have felt good about it, but I didn't. Walked home, stepped through the front door, and threw up. That's when Arlo called me a pussy. He beat the shit out of me, too. Started thinking less about what I'd done to that pig and more—about what I'd like to do to Arlo.
:'''Kendal Crowe''': Well, did you do it? 
:'''Raylan Givens''': Not as such. I always wondered, though, if I didn't join the Marshals just to prove something to him what a badass I was. Maybe just to spite him. He hated me being a lawman. And I knew. I knew when I joined that I might have to shoot someone in the line of duty. But first time it happened, god damn if it wasn't the same feeling sick to my stomach. Just kept asking myself if there was something I could have done different short of pulling my gun.  What was it like for you?
:'''Kendal Crowe''': What, the gator? It's a goddamn dinosaur. Who gives a shit?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Now, some folks say Disneyland is the happiest place on Earth. Well, I promise those folks ain't never partied with Boyd Crowder in Sin City.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alberto Ruiz''': You have good hunting around here?
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Not bad. My daddy used to take me and my brother when we was young, but I didn't much care for it. Prefer to hunt animals who have a chance to fight back.
:'''Alberto Ruiz''': My father took me as well, to the Sonoran desert.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Ah. Hunting big game, like scorpions, and lizards and whatnot?
:'''Alberto Ruiz''': Mostly bighorn sheep and mule deer. We'd spend the morning making our kills, take them back to our campsite, where my father taught me how to skin them. The first cut, you make right down the belly. Bleed the animal, remove the insides, careful not to puncture the bladder. Next, you remove the genitals. Now you are ready to the take the skin. Cut first at the ankle joints, snap the tendons, start to peel back the pelt. The trick is to remove it in one piece. It's easiest when the animal is still warm.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': You want me shit my pants, Alberto? 'Cause it seems to me, that'd make your job a hell of a lot more unpleasant. You see, I know real pain. Shit you can't even imagine. Now, you want to put me out of my misery? How 'bout you stop running your goddamn mouth and do whatever it is you got to do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daryl Crowe Jr.''': You a dirty, rotten, nasty bitch.
:'''Wendy Crowe''': Well, I guess we all get the family we deserve, right, Daryl?
:'''Daryl Crowe Jr.''': You know good and well I ain't gonna let you walk up out of here with that, right?
:'''Wendy Crowe''': What are you gonna do, kill me? 
:'''Daryl Crowe Jr.''': Mm. Give me that phone, Wendy, or I'm gonna take it, and stick it down your goddamn throat.
:'''Wendy Crowe''': Well, that'd be a real ballsy move, wouldn't it, Daryl? ''[presses a gun to Daryl's crotch]'' How are you gonna do it without your balls?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': ''[standing over a dying Daryl]'' Didn't I tell you you were gonna wish I killed you? Well, don't you?

== Season 6 ==

=== ''Fate's Right Hand'' [6.01] ===

:'''Boyd Crowder''': I'm so hungry, I could eat the ass out of a low-flying duck.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Good things happen to those who wait for stupid.
:'''Tim Gutterson''': I believe that was in the [[w:Sermon on the Mount|Sermon on the Mount]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': ''[about Dewey Crowe]'' You know, he once told me he worked at Disney World dressed as Goofy, in a water-skiing show.
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Well, some guys just peak too early.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Art Mullen''': Yeah, you could kill Boyd. Then you'd be headed down to Florida without a star and a gun. And you might be seeing your daughter through the glass on visitation days at the penitentiary. Or, Raylan, there's another way it goes, where you try and you fail and the bullet finds you.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Unlikely.
:'''Art Mullen''': I know you think so, but if you'll allow me... You get to be my age, do the job as long as you do... sometimes it just doesn't go your way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dewey Crowe''': I want to go back. I want it to be like it used to be at the church, when we was Crowder's commandos!
:'''Boyd Crowder''': You, me, and Devil.
:'''Dewey Crowe''': Yes! And the Pork brothers, giving me no end of shit. The music cranked so loud that we almost blew the roof off that old church. Bombing around in my Cadillac and making war plans and drinking 'shine. Why can't it be like that again, Boyd?

=== ''Cash Game'' [6.02] ===

:'''Betty''': Handsome young man comes to my house, spewing sunshine, offering a ride in his Mercedes... feels like maybe I'm chatting with the devil himself.
:'''John-O''': What's this about?
:'''Ty Walker''': I come to offer you an opportunity to depart this burdensome homestead, live the rest of your days free as newborn babes.
:'''Betty''': Oh, I was right. You ''are'' the devil.
:'''Ty Walker''': No, ma'am, just a man with a plan.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Choo-Choo''': Since I was a kid, folks called me Choo-Choo.
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Because you like trains?
:'''Choo-Choo''': 'Cause when I hit you, it comes hard, it comes fast like a choo-choo train.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Avery Markham''': Know what I do, keep my people loyal?
:'''Katherine Hale''': Do tell.
:'''Avery Markham''': Overpay them. Christmas bonus, Easter bonus, President's Day bonus, Pappy Van Winkle on their birthday. Don't nobody bite this hand.
:'''Katherine Hale''': Yeah, well, it must be a little harder to turn a profit, I would imagine.
:'''Avery Markham''': There's plenty to go around, and it's a small price to pay for loyalty.
:'''Katherine Hale''': All right, but what if one of them did betray you? What would you do then? Cut off a finger the way Grady used to?
:'''Avery Markham''': If cutting fingers were enough, Grady would still be alive, wouldn't he?
:'''Katherine Hale''': Well, what, then take out an eye?
:'''Avery Markham''': An eye? I don't know. One-eyed guy can still see, still get a driver's license, even. Both eyes maybe. That'd be a good start.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ty Walker''': You see what happens if you call me a peacock?

=== ''Noblesse Oblige'' [6.03] ===

:'''Ty Walker''': I'm just a weather vane, Mr. Crowder. I don't make the wind blow. I'm saying, you find a way to counsel patience, desist coming after what doesn't belong to you, and everybody wins town, county, and state. Now, that being said, you insist upon the track thus far set upon, there will be consequences.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': You done? Damn, son. You like to talk as much as I do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Earl? You really need me to run down all the &quot;or elses&quot;?
:'''Earl''': Actually, I was hoping you'd try grabbing my prick again, see if it goes the same way now I'm paying attention.
:'''Raylan Givens''': I ain't gonna grab it. I'm just gonna shoot it off. You understand me, Earl? I'm gonna shoot your dick off.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Avery Markham''': Ava, I've known my share of criminals. It's an ugly part of my past that I hope to remedy by investing more wisely in the future.
:'''Ava Crowder''': Well, you're off to a bang-up start kidnapping me.
:'''Avery Markham''': Wasn't my choice, I assure you.
:'''Ava Crowder''': Whose was it, then? ''[indicating Walker]'' His?
:'''Avery Markham''': It was yours. Come to reconnoiter my place of business, living some fantasy outlaw life, just you and Boyd against the world.
:'''Ava Crowder''': Sounds like you know a thing or two about it.
:'''Avery Markham''': I know for a woman to survive in this line of work, she's got to be harder than the men, ready to do the things they won't. I know women who have that in them. My question is, are you that kind of woman, Ava? Because if you ain't, then you'll never be more than a token, something that can be threatened or hurt just to keep your man in line.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Avery Markham''': Last time I saw you, you were no bigger than minute. Peacocking around your daddy like you thought you was already a full-grown bad man.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': I recognize you now, Mr. Markham. That being said, I still don't recall being bounced on your knee. Nevertheless, it, uh, seems that I owe you an apology.
:'''Avery Markham''': Like I said, I can't blame you for not remembering.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': No, sir. The apology that I owe is for my craven attempt to pilfer that which rightfully belongs to you. As defense, I offer only my ignorance.
:'''Avery Markham''': Meaning you thought you were stealing from Calhoun?
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Yes, sir. I did.
:'''Avery Markham''': And now you know the prize in question belongs to me.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': That I do.
:'''Avery Markham''': Mm-hmm.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': And any, uh, plan that I had for my next attempt should be considered abandoned as foolhardy, not to say unworthy.
:'''Avery Markham''': Hmm. I hope you'll understand when I say I don't want to see either of you at the portal again. Next time you want a slice, order in. Have it here in 30 minutes, or it's free. And if I see you in my place of business again I'll kill you. ''[beat]'' Come to it, I guess you ain't all that big now. Grown, but still just playing pretend.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Woman, how do you see this playing out in your mind? You think he's not gonna put it together that you were in on ripping him off? Avery Markham's not a man to sit still while someone takes what's his, let them go live the good life somewhere on his dime?
:'''Wynn Duffy''': So, you're out, right? That's what you're saying? I mean, let's just set aside all this poetic, down-home, hillbilly bullshit. Bottom line is you're backing down.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Oh, I ain't backing down. I'm gonna rob him. And then I'm gonna stick a bullet in your boyfriend's head.
:'''Katherine Hale''': You know what, Boyd? From the moment I met you, I just knew you were the man of my dreams.

=== ''The Trash and the Snake'' [6.04] ===

:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Your mama asks you to take out the trash, you do as she says, but you see a copperhead on the way out, you don't go back inside, say you didn't do nothing because all she asked was take out the trash. You take out the trash and the snake.
:'''Art Mullen''': Didn't your mama ever tell you that there's always another snake?
:'''Raylan Givens''': I knew you'd say that.
:'''Art Mullen''': Raylan, if you declare war on them all, they're just gonna outbreed you and outlast you—and bring you down for good.
:'''Raylan Givens''': You telling me not to do the job?
:'''Art Mullen''': No. I'm telling you not to get your ass bit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': What do you want to bet that she and Mr. Hutchins didn't die peacefully in their sleep?
:'''Tim Gutterson''': No, but it's such a nice thought. It's how I want to go. I'm kidding. I want [[Sigourney Weaver]] to choke me out with her thighs.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dickie Bennett''': This is one of them ecstatic visions I've been having of late. All right, all right! Here we go-o-o-o. Mighty spirit!
:'''Raylan Givens''': Dickie Bennett, this is archangel Raylan, here to deliver unto thee a loaded-up commissary in exchange for your cooperation in a federal criminal investigation.
:'''Dickie Bennett''': Oh! Message received, but I'm afraid what you ask, it's— it's just it's too g-great. It really is. I cannot see a way to answer your call.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Search your soul, numbnuts.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Loretta McCready''': Somebody please tell me what all you're talking about.
:'''Raylan Givens''': The man is making you an offer you can't refuse: sell or he kills you.
:'''Avery Markham''': Oh, come on, now. I may make you an offer you can't refuse... but that's because I'm offering you more money than you ever imagined.
:'''Loretta McCready''': And if I don't want it at any price? 
:'''Avery Markham''': Then you'd be a bird so rare as to never before have been sighted.
:'''Raylan Givens''': The negotiation has ended. I told you you can't have my land. I'm adding hers to the list.
:'''Avery Markham''': I don't see how you can do that, legally speaking.
:'''Raylan Givens''': You want to follow that thread, be my guest. Till then, you can put away your suitcase of money.
:'''Avery Markham''': Or what? You gonna give me 24 hours to get out of town, Deputy U.S. Marshal Raylan Givens?
:'''Tim Gutterson''': And he said he didn't do his homework.
:'''Raylan Givens''': I'm just saying there's no deal to make here.
:'''Avery Markham''': First you turn me down. Now this. What's next? Third time? You gonna tell me that, by the power vested in you, that there's something else I ain't allowed to do? This is still America, last time I checked the flagpole.
:'''Raylan Givens''': What's next is entirely based on the next choice you make.
:'''Avery Markham''': I think I'll burn one on the way out. Helps me think. You gonna haul me in?
:'''Raylan Givens''': No, not for weed. I can assure you of that.

=== ''Sounding'' [6.05] ===

:''[Duffy and Mike are playing Scrabble]''
:'''Wynn Duffy''': &quot;Aplex&quot;?
:'''Mike Cosmatopolis''': Yeah.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': I'm pretty sure &quot;aplex&quot; isn't a word, Mikey.
:'''Mike Cosmatopolis''': Of course it is. &quot;I don't like that guy. He aplexes me.&quot;
:''[Duffy sighs and answers his cell phone]''
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Yeah?
:'''Trig''': He's going. You want me to follow him or not?
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Yes, I do. Call me when he lands. ''[hangs up]''
:'''Mike Cosmatopolis''': You okay? You look aplexed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ty Walker''': Permission to speak freely, sir?
:'''Avery Markham''': You about to give me an opinion, or a warning, or both? Seems to me I've been perfectly clear about what I expect to transpire down here. Shouldn't be any more up for discussion.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bob Sweeney''': Hell, yeah, I got a badge. And I got balls like Death Stars. Let's do this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zachariah Randolph''': Now after that '90 collapse over in Joseph's Valley, didn't I hear you swear up and down on your mama's grave that you'd never go in without a good sounding?
:'''Boyd Crowder''': I did, indeed.
:'''Zachariah Randolph''': Yeah, well, I'm gonna enjoy seeing you go in the deep. All those traps and chutes breaking through and all those rotting supports busting up. Oh, it's gon' be somethin' to see.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mundo A.K.A. Choo-Choo has just killed Calhoun Schrier by accident with a too-heavy blow to the head]''
:'''Seabass''': I said a starter tap!
:'''Choo-Choo''': You want him slapped like a little girl, you do it. All right? You ask me, he gets Amtrak-ed.

=== ''Alive Day'' [6.06] ===

:'''Ava Crowder''': You don't have to lie to me, Uncle Zachariah. I'm not a little girl anymore.
:'''Zachariah Randolph''': Make it a whole lot easier on me if you was. Tell you the truth, I always found grown-ups to be mystifying. More so myself since I got to be one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Avery Markham''': And who am I supposed to have killed?
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Well, we've heard that'd be quite a list. You don't mind, we'll just focus on the last 24 hours.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Choo-Choo''': Good thing about people thinking you're dumb is, they tend to give you the benefit of the doubt.
:'''Caprice''': What makes you think people think you're dumb?
:'''Choo-Choo''': ''[chuckles]'' It's all right. Before my &quot;alive day,&quot; if I'd met a guy that looks and talks the way I do now, I'd have thought the same thing.
:'''Caprice''': You'd be amazed how many guys think that if they talk fast enough, no one'll realize they got nothing to say. I like the way you take your time. It's like all you want is for the other person to understand.
:'''Choo-Choo''': ''[beat]'' You ever wish things wouldn't have to be the way they are? You know, like, if you close your eyes and open them, things would be different?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Wonderful things can happen when you sow seeds of distrust in a garden of assholes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ty Walker''': Choo-Choo's a rock. He'd never give us up.
:'''Avery Markham''': Not on purpose. Feds have got guys that spend their whole lives tying people in knots—
:'''Ty Walker''': I'm not— ''[pauses]'' Choo-Choo and I were in the sandbox together.
:'''Avery Markham''': I know.
:'''Ty Walker''': I was in the Humvee right behind his when he got blown up. I.E.D. flipped them over, then landed on our hood. Crushed their gunner like a bug on our windshield. Choo-Choo's in the captain's seat. ''[laughs bitterly]'' We got that door open... You wouldn't think anybody could be alive in there. Medics picking splinters of the driver's bones out of his face. He lives through ''that?'' No.
:'''Avery Markham''': One morning when I was in the Corps, we found a dead Cong who'd stepped in a punji pit in the dark. Thing about punji sticks, they're not meant to kill. A dead soldier reduces the force against you by one, but a wounded soldier slows down a whole unit. Cong used to cover their stakes with human shit, make the wounds infect. But rather than being a drag on his comrades, make them carry him back, this feller just decided to put a gun in his mouth.
:'''Ty Walker''': One man dies so the others can live.
:'''Avery Markham''': Anybody can run a peacetime command. Real leadership's about making the hard choices.

=== ''The Hunt'' [6.07] ===

:'''Rachel Brooks''': I don't want this guy going all Eric Frein on us, hole up at some derelict airport for weeks while we're out here chasing our own dicks.
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Sounds really strange when you say that.
:'''Rachel Brooks''': I'm running shit. I get to use the expression.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ty Walker''': I never went to college myself. Joined the army right out of high school. Gave me some notion of fraternity.
:'''Troy''': And we thank you for your service. Now, if you're done whipping your army pud in there, I got to shit.
:'''Ty Walker''': Begging the question, will your brother over there step in when I split your skull open?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Art Mullen''': ''[to Raylan about his daughter Willa]'' Oh, my goodness. What a relief. She doesn't look like you. Good for her.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Winona Hawkins''': ''[to Raylan]'' I'm saying I love you and I miss you and I want you to come home, and I don't care where home is. I don't care if it's here or in Miami or in the hills. It doesn't matter to me. But if you want it, I want you by my side raising our daughter. So, I guess what I'm saying is you can be with me and still be you, if that's something you want.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ty Walker''': ''[holding two EMTs at gunpoint]'' &quot;Be on the lookout, bearded sasquatch man, possible gunshot wound&quot;, is that right? ''[kills one EMT]'' That sound right?!
:'''EMT Abraham''': Yes, yes! Jesus!
:'''Ty Walker''': Didn't realize they were gonna send me a couple of heroes. All I wanted was that kit patch myself up. See a man I got to see, do a job I got to do. That's all. Then they send me a pair of heroes.
:'''EMT Abraham''': He was a hero. Put me in the back, strap me down. I-I won't be able to move or call anyone. And you can take the kit. You can take the kit and get away.
:'''Ty Walker''': Yeah, I could do that. But it's been such a day!
:''[Walker kills EMT Abraham]''

=== ''Dark As a Dungeon'' [6.08] ===

:'''Mortician''': ''[about Raylan's parents]'' And how about the manner in which they were buried?
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': I wasn't around, but I guarantee you he put her in the cheapest piece of shit available.
:'''Mortician''': Likely an unvaulted wooden casket.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Mm-hmm.
:'''Mortician''': And him?
:'''Raylan Givens''': I put him in the cheapest piece of shit available.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zachariah Randolph''': A man died, Boyd.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': A man you ain't known a goddamn week!
:'''Zachariah Randolph''': Well, I can see you really torn up about it. Real leader of men, ain't ya?
:'''Boyd Crowder''': It ain't the first man I've lost doing a job, Zachariah, and the job ain't over yet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': Harlan. Hell of a place to make your fortune.
:'''Avery Markham''': Fortune? Hell, I'm putting down roots.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Tough to do in quicksand.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': Let's just say you're putting down roots, I'm pulling up. Sick of the past.
:'''Avery Markham''': True. Past is a shadow. Always there behind you.
:'''Raylan Givens''': In Harlan, shit, it ain't behind you. It's vertical. Dig down another layer, turn up some horror.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': I been lying to you, Boyd.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Well, now we're getting somewhere.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Keeping up the fiction that I got all manner of things tying me to Kentucky things that forestall my moving to Florida. But there is only the one thing: you.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': You wanna lean in for a kiss?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Is that what you think this is, another one of your love stories?
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Oh, well, I do like happy endings.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Well, this is one of them classic stories, where the hero gets his man, then he rides off into the sunset.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Or maybe it's like that other classic, where a guy chases a whale to the ends of the Earth, only to drown for his troubles.
:'''Raylan Givens''': I got to admit, there's a small part of me that's gonna miss this when it's over.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Well, don't eulogize the past till the future gets its turn.

=== ''Burned'' [6.09] ===

:'''Boon''': When I was just a pup, my mama used to say I tended to leap before I looked.
:'''Loretta MacCready''': Well, if you're done looking, now would be a good time to scoot your ass on out of here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boon''': Name's Boon. Pleased to meet you.
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': I wouldn't rush to judgment on that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': You got more balls than sense, you know that, girl?
:'''Loretta MacCready''': Ain't that what they say about you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Loretta MacCready''': My fix is the same as yours, Mr. Markham. Promise of legal weed. The difference is, I've been here for generations. You all knew my daddy. ''[crowd murmuring in agreement]'' You all know me. Know that I'm Harlan through and through. And so is my partner.
:'''Avery Markham''': And who might that be?
:'''Loretta MacCready''': The only other soul I know who cares about this place as much as I do: Boyd Crowder. ''[to the crowd]'' Every one of you who has been approached about your property, this is my offer. I will give you cash for your land, same as Markham, but the difference is I don't want to move you guys out. Just want to move some seed in. And along with that seed, we bring security and protection now and in perpetuity. Hire the locals to help with the farming, pay it back. You think Avery Markham and his city mousette ain't gonna cut and run win or lose? She look like Harlan to you? Throw in with me, and we'll make Harlan prosperous our own selves. Give this county back to the people the way we all know it should be!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Avery Markham''': You know, I don't get you. Give you some of my own money to help you out. 24 hours ago upstairs, I figured you and me are simpatico. I see you're just jerking me around and using me to get Boyd.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Don't take it personal. I'm just doing what I gotta do.
:'''Avery Markham''': Yeah. That's my plan.
:'''Raylan Givens''': What's that?
:'''Avery Markham''': Doing what I gotta do.

=== ''Trust'' [6.10] ===

:'''Ava Crowder''': Come on, Boyd, you know Ellstin Limehouse has made a fortune being the man folks can count on in times of trouble.
:'''Ellstin Limehouse''': And I recall you yourself have benefited from that on more than one occasion.
:'''Ava Crowder''': And on reflection, I wonder if the benefit warranted the cost.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Anybody ever tell you should talk less?
:'''Boon''': Yeah. One guy.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Well, you're young yet.
:'''Boon''': Anyway, the matter I wanted your take on: you come across a fella like this, never sat a horse or roped a steer, wants putting on a hat to make him a, a buckaroo. You think it's up to gentlemen like us to disabuse him?
:'''Raylan Givens''': You're asking if we're keepers of some kind of flame. I guess my main take is I believe you're overestimating how much you and I have in common.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': You really think this ends in a trial?
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Shit, I hope so. All the work we've done.
:'''Raylan Givens''': What I mean is, you really think Boyd's gonna let us take him in instead of going out in a blaze like the outlaw he's spent his whole life trying to be?
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Well, I guess that'll be up to him. ''[pointedly]'' Won't it, Raylan?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Avery Markham''': You ever notice how the necessities of our line of work weigh heavy on your conscience?
:'''Boon''': Always seemed to me, as far as conscience goes, the sweet spot is you either be poor enough you can't afford to have one or rich enough you can afford to hire someone to carry the weight.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boyd Crowder''': ''[to Markham about Katherine]'' Oh. Uh, ripping you off that was her idea from the jump. Payback for you murdering her husband. I just, uh, ''[laughing]'' I just thought you ought to know!

=== ''Fugitive Number One'' [6.11] ===

:'''Avery Markham''': Well, I've always loved you, Katherine. I just don't trust you.
:'''Katherine Hale''': Well, I accepted your proposal, Avery. Would it be so bad for the two of us to live together, not trusting each other, just like everybody else in the whole wide world?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike Cosmatopolis''': ''[to Duffy]'' This isn't just about some code! You were as close to family as I ever had. I believed in you, Wynn. End of the day, you're a rat. And rats get exterminated, period. And I hate being called &quot;Mikey&quot;!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': You know, it don't bother me much running into a cop from this town that's bent to shit. I grew up around here. Kinda expect it now and then. What irritates me is when you call 'em on it, and they give you this look like, &quot;how dare you insinuate I'm a piece of shit tarnishing my badge?&quot; I see you doing the math, whether you're gonna tolerate the insult. But you should know, one of your co-workers is in the hospital with brain bleed, and this boy's brother's dead, so you might wanna factor them items into the equation before you decide what you're gonna do next.
:'''Crosley''': Number one, I don't like your tone. Number two, that badge don't mean shit. And number three, this boy's been bonded out fair and square. Matter of fact, I was just about to call the judge.
:'''Raylan Givens''': The marshal service have spent a lot of time and effort apprehending a fugitive that's now out on the run, and lives are in danger because of it, so every time you open your mealy mouth to lie, I think of that, and I start picturing how you'd look without any of your goddamn teeth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Katherine Hale''': You're being awfully flip for someone who's about to die.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': What do you want me to say, Katherine? Yes, I ratted out Grady to Simon Poole and, yes, I killed Simon Poole because Simon Poole was gonna rat me out to Grady. The life we chose, huh?
:'''Katherine Hale''': Why kill Grady?
:'''Wynn Duffy''': What do you care? You were schtupping Markham. You think about it, I did you a favor.
:'''Katherine Hale''': Yeah. Yeah, maybe you did. But Wynn, Grady was my husband. He was my partner. And here's how it works. You protect your partner, and you avenge them against people who do them wrong. That is something I strongly believe.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Art Mullen''': You got 48 hours, Raylan. That's all I can give you.
:'''Raylan Givens''': 48 hours, bullshit. Who you got coming after me? Everybody?
:'''Art Mullen''': You got too high an opinion of yourself. Of course, you always have. Everybody's out looking for Boyd. I'll be the one coming after you.

=== ''Collateral'' [6.12] ===

:'''Avery Markham''': ''[to Katherine Hale's corpse]'' I always scoffed at people talking to loved ones who'd moved on. Seemed impractical to me. Can't hear you. They're gone. And I'm a practical man. Except when it comes to you, it seems. Revenge, Katherine. What did you in? Damn it, I told you I would get Duffy! Why didn't you trust me? For once, why couldn't you just do what you were told to do? I'll always love you, Katherine, but you need to know. I may be talking to a ghost, but I am still a practical man. I'd love to gut Wynn Duffy from nose to tail, but I have got to go and get my goddamn money.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Raylan Givens, Boyd Crowder, and Avery Markham are soon to converge, Mr. Vasquez. Like the aligning of the planets, if those planets carried guns and hated my guts. I don't ever plan on returning to Kentucky. May I?
:'''David Vasquez''': I just have one last question. You know, for me. Off the record.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Sounds sexy.
:'''David Vasquez''': You know, I have a-a stack of files this tall. Sits on my desk. It's got all kinds of witness interrogation and, um, surveillance records and info from snitches about who killed Simon Poole 14 years ago. And it all adds up to jack shit. So I just want to know, between you and me, who really did it? Who killed my boss? 
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Between you and me, Mr. Vasquez, I really and truly don't know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hagan''': I appreciate the lie, Mr. Crowder. But we both know what you was thinking. Loose end and all.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': You know my mind? Now, maybe I was gonna take your keys, let you walk.
:'''Hagan''': ''[scoffs]'' So you could shoot me in the back? You're gonna have to look me in the eye, you pull that trigger. Nah, I knew the minute you stepped in my cab I was gonna be staring down the black hole of your gun, cut me down like the plague you are.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Well, I got to say, you did do a pretty good job all that smoke you were blowing up my ass.
:'''Hagan''': Ain't no smoke. But I will say this. Stories of outlaw legends, they ain't passed down by the families of the murdered.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Well, I don't give a shit about &quot;the Ballad of Boyd Crowder&quot;. I'll be dead and gone when that song gets sung.
:'''Hagan''': Old boy by the name of Hut McKean mean anything to you?
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Let me guess. I killed him, my men killed him, my dope killed him, or my daddy killed him? Next thing that comes out of your mouth is, &quot;how do you sleep at night, Boyd Crowder?&quot; Well, do you know how? 'Cause I know who I am. Do you? You're a slave, disenfranchised, don't even know it. You drive your shitty truck to your shitty house, live out your shitty life. You think you're better than me 'cause you play by the rules? Whose rules? My life is my own.
:'''Hagan''': You ain't even heard a word I said.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': I don't give a shit about what you said. I'm an outlaw.
:''[Boyd kills Hagan]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Why you want to kill me so bad, Raylan? You don't even know why. &quot;Boyd Crowder must die!&quot; That's just the lie you tell yourself, wanting to win.
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': You are the world-conquering emperor of lies, the biggest reserved for yourself.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Just say it, Raylan. &quot;I want to win!&quot; 
:'''Raylan Givens''': ''[chuckles]'' How about, &quot;I want the money&quot;? Shit. You want to kill her, Boyd. You want to kill the woman who stole your money, shot you, and left you for dead.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': You don't know what's in my heart.
:'''Raylan Givens''': What heart? 
:'''Boyd Crowder''': You don't know what's in your own heart. You've given up everything you are so that you could murder me.
:'''Raylan Givens''': I cross the line with my eyes wide open.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Well, whose eyes you gonna see when you kill me, Raylan? Your daddy's?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Not anymore.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Your baby girl's? Imagine the look on her face the day she realizes, &quot;my daddy spent his whole life trying to walk the line and failed&quot;.
:'''Raylan Givens''': She'll live her life the way everybody does: on her own.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Are you sure you don't want me to kill you, Raylan, keep you a hero? That makes for a hell of a bedtime story.
:'''Raylan Givens''': This is the only story here tonight.
:'''Bob Sweeney''': ''[in the distance]'' Help!
:'''Boyd Crowder''': You don't think that's Bob, do you? 
:'''Raylan Givens''': Why would that be Bob?
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Well, I shot him a couple times down at the trail head. I think he might still be alive. You ought to go run down there and see if you can't help him.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Bob can take care of himself.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Well, hell, Raylan. Then I have already won.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[finding Derrick Waters mortally wounded]''
:'''Avery Markham''': What the hell is this?
:'''Boon''': Yeah, he tried to pull on me.
:'''Avery Markham''': You just gonna let him lay there and bleed?
:'''Boon''': Was I supposed to take him to the hospital?
:''[Markham kills Derrick]''
:'''Avery Markham''': Hope he wasn't someone dear to you.
:'''Loretta McCready''': Just someone I paid to watch my back.
:'''Avery Markham''': Money not well spent, I'd say.

=== ''The Promise'' [6.13] ===

:'''Boyd Crowder''': Why? We had the money. We were home free.
:'''Ava Crowder''': Honestly, Boyd? I put myself in your shoes. I did what I thought you would do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ava Crowder''': I can tell you where the rest of the money is. Almost nine million dollars, Raylan.
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': You're trying to bribe a federal officer now?
:'''Ava Crowder''': I'm just wondering if there's still a deal to be made.
:'''Raylan Givens''': No. No deals, no outs. I'm sorry, Ava.
:'''Ava Crowder''': Why didn't you just kill him? You heard him. You know there ain't a cell that can keep him. What's it prove, letting him live?
:'''Raylan Givens''': ...Maybe nothing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': Well, I hope you get someone at this desk that's less of a pain in the ass.
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Not likely there's someone who's more of a pain in the ass. I just hope it's someone who can keep up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raylan Givens''': I hear you're preaching again, gathering a flock.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Just spreading the word of my calamitous fall and subsequent rebirth in the light of the Lord, Raylan.
:'''Raylan Givens''': You know you're repeating yourself, right?
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Raylan Givens, I know you have never believed a word that has come out of my mouth, though I have harbored the secret hope that you have nevertheless enjoyed hearing them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Last lines of the series]''
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Tramble Penitentiary is a long way from Miami, Raylan. Now, you could have called the warden. Could have sent word through my lawyer.
:'''Raylan Givens''': You asking why I came? Thought it was news that should be delivered in person.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': That the only reason? After all these long years, Raylan Givens, that's the only reason?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Well, I suppose if I allow myself to be sentimental, despite all that has occurred there is one thing I wander back to.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': We dug coal together.
:'''Raylan Givens''': That's right.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Timothy Olyphant|Timothy Olyphant]] - [[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]
* [[w:Walton Goggins|Walton Goggins]] - Boyd Crowder 
* [[w:Nick Searcy|Nick Searcy]] - Art Mullen
* [[w:Joelle Carter|Joelle Carter]] - Ava Crowder
* [[w:Jacob Pitts|Jacob Pitts]] - Tim Gutterson
* [[w:Erica Tazel|Erica Tazel]] - Rachel Brooks
* [[w:Natalie Zea|Natalie Zea]] - Winona Hawkins
* [[w:Jere Burns|Jere Burns]] - Wynn Duffy

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} 
* {{imdb title|1489428|Justified}}
* {{Official website|http://www.fxnetworks.com/shows/originals/justified/}}

[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:2010s American crime drama TV shows]]
[[Category:FX shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Television programs based on novels]]</text>
      <sha1>n0ikp3tka6puf5gsr67lgu9sdyz4bpl</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>The Rescuers Down Under</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>130480</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147396</id>
      <parentid>3147136</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T13:17:40Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>107.77.192.21</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Percival C. McLeach */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="13340" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:The Rescuers Down Under|The Rescuers Down Under]]''''' is a 1990 American [[w:animation|animated film]] produced by [[w:Walt Disney Feature Animation|Walt Disney Feature Animation]] and first Disney sequel released by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]] and [[w:Buena Vista Distribution|Buena Vista Distribution]] on November 16, 1990. The film is the sequel to the 1977 film ''[[The Rescuers]]'', which was based on the novels of [[w:Margery Sharp|Margery Sharp]].

==Wilbur==
* Welcome to... Albatross Air! &quot;A fair fare from here to there.&quot; Ha ha, you get it? &quot;A fair fare...&quot; It's a play on... Never mind.

* Tie your kangaroos down, sports fans! HERE... WE... COME!

* Throw another shrimp on the barbie, girls, 'cause HERE I COME!

* ''[last line]'' HELP!! ANYBODY! Bernard! Bianca! WHERE ARE YOU?! Okay, that's it! I'm outta here! This is ridiculous! You can't leave me here alone! I'm gone! I am gone! ''[cracking and chirping sounds]'' Oh no. Stay in those eggs! That's a direct order! Hey... you're kind of a cute little feller. Goochy goochy goochy- ''[back cracks; screams; groans]''

==Percival C. McLeach==
* ''[to Joanna]'' Did you take one of my eggs? ''[Joanna heads nod]'' Okay. Let's see eagle for boy. ''[Joanna shakes her head]'' Open your mouth. ''[Joanna opens her mouth, McLeach looks inside while Joanna hides the missing egg in her tongue and from McLeach's view]'' These are NOT Joanna eggs! Let's see. The eagle, or flying eagle, or super eagle. The boy won't give the eagle. ''[Bernard: Arrest, McLeach at once!]''

* Why don't give the Eagle eggs, I WANT TO STAY FROM MY-- ''[Bernard: No, McLeach! '''YOU GONNA GET US KILLED!!!'''] [inspires]''  The Eagle eggs! That's it? From the boy weakness spot, But I didn't have bird's nest, my Bernard was never waste.

* I didn't do it anything make it all the way through unspot third grade for nothin'!?

* I'm gonna kill her... '''''I'M GONNA KILL THAT DUMB SLIMY EGG-SUCKING SALAMANDER!'''''

* Bad dog! Stand down! No! '''''AHHHHHHH!'''''

* ''[to Bianca]'' You're fired! I'll kill you! ''[Cody: Look, that is misunderstanding. I'm not gonna hurt eagle. Wilbur: It was you! YOU'RE KILL YOU MCLEACH!]'' He stolen gun and knife!

* Bernard, what you mean steals gun?

* '''''JOANNA!!!''''' YOU HURRY UP AND EAT THOSE EGGS AND GET YOUR TAIL UP HERE! '''''MOVE IT!!!'''''

* Oh, that should never heard to this Eagle eggs. ''[Cody: Eagle? Oh yes, maybe was like to--]'' Shh!

* Joanna! ''[Jake: Let the boy go. Bernard: Leave the Cody alone!]'' Did you know... there was a razorback in my truck? Did ya? ''[Joanna nods]'' Did ya?! ''[Joanna shakes her head nervously]'' THERE WAS A RAZORBACK IN MY TRUCK! Now you quit playing around and do your job, you four-legged python!? ''[Bernard: You're McLeach is DIE!]''

* ''[last words to the crocodiles after fending them off]'' I whooped ya! I whooped y'all! You'll think twice before messin' with Percival C. McLeach! ''[laughs maniacally, then Joanna waves and looks]'' Huh, ah! AAAAAAAAAHHH!!! Whoa! NO! ''[look waterfall]'' '''''NOOOOOOOOOO!!''''' ''[waterfalls to death]''

==Jake==
* That's ''enough?'' It's OVER McLeach, I'm not going to hurt bird.

* I will you're boy is a good influence Joanna eggs for crocodile. Honestly. Sing Cody while playing the guitar. ''[McLeach: What?!]''

==Dialogue==
:'''Miss Bianca''': ''[whilst Wilbur drinks from a can of cream soda]'' We must leave tonight.
:'''Wilbur''': ''[spit takes]'' Tonight?! ''[coughs; laughs]'' Come on. You're kiddin' me, right? ''[laughs; opens his window]'' Have ya looked outside? It's suicide out there! ''[laughs; closes window]'' Oh, no. Ohhhhhhh, no! I'm afraid your jolly little holiday will have to wait. ''[laughs]'' What a bunch of jokers! 
:'''Miss Bianca''': But you don't understand. A boy needs our help. He's in trouble!
:'''Wilbur''': Boy? You mean, &quot;little kid&quot; kinda boy?
:'''Miss Bianca''': He was kidnapped!
:'''Wilbur''': Kidnapped? Oh! That-that's awful! Lockin' up a little kid... Kids should be free! Free to run wild through the house on Saturday mornings, free to have cookies and milk, and get those little white moustaches, you know, the-- Nobody's gonna take a kid's freedom while I'm around! Nobody ain't! Hear me?! 
:'''Bianca''': Does that mean you'll take us?
:'''Wilbur''': Storm or no storm, Albatross Airlines, ''[salutes]'' at your service!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bianca''': Captain, is this a non-stop flight to Australia?
:'''Wilbur''': Well, uh, not exactly no. Uh... I can definitely say no. We're gonna have to make connections with a bigger bird. Non-stop? What do I look like, [[w:Charles Lindbergh|Charles Lindbergh]]?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wilbur''': ''[over radio]'' Mugwump tower! Mugwump tower, this is Albatross 1-3, requesting permission to land, over!
:'''Jake''': Albatross? Let's see. ''[examines size chart of different birds]'' Finch, wren, scrub-bird, lorikeet, freckled duck, galah, kookaburra, parrot, cockatoo, albatro– Alb-albatross?! It's a jumbo! ''[to Wilbur]'' Negative, 1-3! You'll have to turn back! Our runway isn't long enough for a bird your size!
:'''Wilbur''': Not long enough?! Look, pal! I can land this thing on a dime!
:'''Bernard''': Uh, Wilbur, if the runway isn't long enough--
:'''Wilbur''': Listen! You can't let these radar jockeys push you around! Just leave it to me, all right?
:'''Jake''': I say again, mate, our runway is too short!
:'''Wilbur''': And I say again, &quot;mate&quot;, I'm comin' in!
:'''Jake''': Crazy Yank!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jake''': So, um, which way are we taking, uh, Suicide Trail through Nightmare Canyon, or the shortcut at Satan's Ridge?
:'''Bernard''': Suicide Trail?
:'''Jake''': Good choice! More snakes, less quicksand. Then once you cross Bloodworm Creek, you're scot free, that is until, um... Dead Dingo Pass.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''McLeach''': Well, Joanna, what did we get today? A dingo, a fat old razorback, or a nice big... boy? ''[McLeach frowns, turns to look at Joanna and suddenly viciously kicks her]'' JOANNA, YOU BEEN DIGGING HOLES OUT HERE AGAIN?! HUH?! Darn lizard's always trying to bury squirrels out here.
:'''Cody''': Uh-uh. It's a trap, and poaching's ''against the law.''
:'''McLeach''': Trap? Where'd you get an idea like that, boy? I think you've been down in that hole too long. ''[points gun barrel directly at Cody's chest]'' Well, come on, grab a hold. ''[Cody gulps and grabs the gun, and McLeach pulls him out of the hole]'' We'll just get you outta this old lizard-hole, then you can just run on home.
:''[Joanna notices the mouse in Cody's backpack and snarls]''
:'''Cody''': This ''is'' a poacher's trap, and ''you're'' a poacher! ''[Joanna attacks. McLeach screams while he falls into his own pit, his gun going off in the process]'' Let go! Hey, get off me!
:'''McLeach''': ''[climbing out]'' I'm gonna kill her...I'm gonna kill ''that dumb, slimy, egg-suckin' salamander!''
:'''Cody''': Cut it out, get off of me!
:''[McLeach angrily aims his gun at Joanna, until he notices Marahute's feather sticking out of the backpack]''
:'''McLeach''': Hmmmm... Good girl Joanna. Say, where'd you get this pretty feather, boy?
:'''Cody''': It was a present.
:'''McLeach''': Oh, that's real nice. Who gave it to you?
:'''Cody''': It's a...secret.
:'''McLeach''': That's ''no secret,'' boy. You see, I already got the father. ''[performs a throat-slitting gesture with a battered eagle feather]'' Hah, hah, hah! Now you just tell me where mama and those little eggs are.
:'''Cody''': ''[retreats]'' No!
:'''McLeach''': Joanna, sic 'em! ''[Joanna chases Cody to the edge of Crocodile Falls and McLeach stamps on Cody's hand, stopping him from using his knife]'' You're coming with me, boy.
:'''Cody''': My Mom'll call the Rangers!
:'''McLeach''': ''[mockingly]'' Oh no! Not the Rangers, what'll I do? What'll I do?! Don't let your mom call the Rangers, ''please!'' ''[Joanna laughs; McLeach flings Cody's backpack into the water, where the crocodiles attack it]'' &quot;My poor baby boy got eaten by the crocodiles, boo-hoo-hoo!&quot; ''[chuckles, as he grabs Cody]'' Let's go, boy!
:'''Cody''': ''[gets locked in the cage on McLeach's truck]'' Help! Help!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Cody''': ''[Locked in McLeach's truck, throwing traps around]'' Let me out of here! Let me go! You can't do this! ''Help! HELP! HEEEEEELP!!!''
:'''McLeach''': ''[over the speaker]'' Breaker, breaker, little mate! I forgot to tell 'ya, round here, you need to be '''QUIET!''' Or the Rangers might hear. Now sit down and relax and enjoy the view. Nothing but abandoned opal mines, far as the eye can see! And dead ahead, is home sweet home.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''McLeach''': Well, Joanna, it looks like lady luck has finally decided to smile on us. Everything's going our way to these waltz. ''[laughs to himself]''
:'''Cody''': ''[screaming]'' ''You can't do this!'' You're gonna get ''in big trouble!'' I'll tell the Rangers ''where you are! [Joanna opened the window to Cody]''
:'''McLeach''': ''[groans]'' Oops! I almost forgot...we got a loose end tie up, haven't we girl?
:'''Cody''': Don't worry I'm not going hurt bird. Just a golden hawk.
:'''Bernard''': McLeach, you're never tell you! NEVER!
:'''Joanna''': Me either.
:'''Cody''': Shh! I'll call mom.
:'''Jake''': Yeah!
:'''Cody''': ''[singsong]'' Oh doggies!
:'''McLeach''': ''[dog growls and barking]'' What the... Dogs?! ''[Dog bites his legs]'' OUCH! OW, OW, OW, OW, OW!!
:'''Red Kangaroo''': That's good is should honest for Cody anyone you're bird's alive, golden eagle hero.
:'''McLeach''': ''[exclaiming]'' You biting my legs! ''[runs away and screams]''
:''' Bernard''': Cody, I was wondering to fourth grade, you tell my that.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Doctor''': Forceps!
:'''Nurse Mouse''': Forceps!
:'''Wilbur''': Oh no... What now?
:'''Doctor''': Spinal streculator!
:'''Wilbur''': Ohh! That's gonna hurt!
:'''Doctor''': Artery router!
:'''Wilbur''': Mother!
:'''Doctor''': This is rusted tight. I wouldn't dream of using such a tool. Bring me the epidermal tissue disruptor!
:'''Wilbur''': THE EPIDERMAL ''WHAT?!''
:''[The nurses rev up a chainsaw]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Cody is tied up in front of a map, while McLeach is across the room sharpening several knives]''
:'''McLeach''': Let's see if we can't refresh that rusty old memory of yours. Is she ''on Satan's Ridge?!'' ''[throws knife which embeds in map on &quot;Satan's Ridge&quot; and very close to Cody]'' Or ''Nightmare Canyon?!'' ''[throws another knife]'' What do you think, Joanna? ''[Joanna breaks a cracker in half]'' Yeah, that's it. Right smack dab ''in the middle of Croc Falls!'' ''[knife embeds into &quot;Croc Falls&quot; and very close to Cody's head]'' Am I gettin' warm?
:'''Cody''': I told you ''I don't remember!''
:'''McLeach''': ''[walks toward Cody with a knife]'' Don't you realize ''a bird that size'' is worth a ''fortune?!'' ''[stabs knife into map next to Cody and gets nose to nose with him]'' I'll split the money with ya–50-50. You've got no better offer than that, boy!
:'''Cody''': You won't have ''any'' money after the Rangers get through with you!
:'''McLeach''': ''[growls]'' Grrr...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cody''': There must be a way out of here.
:'''Krebbs''': Oh, there's a way out, all right.
:'''Red and Frank''': There is?
:'''Krebbs''': ''[to Red]'' Absolutely! ''You'll'' go as a wallet, ''[to platypus]'' ''you'll'' go as a belt, and our dear Frank...
:'''Frank''': No, no, no! I don't want to hear it!
:'''Krebbs''': Frank will go as...
:'''Frank''': I can't hear you! ''[covers ears while singing nonsense; stops to see if Krebbs is done]''
:'''Krebbs''': A purse.
:'''Frank''': ''[shrieks hysterically]''
:'''Krebbs''': Oh, a lovely lady's purse!
:'''Frank''': I DON'T WANNA GO AS A ''PURSE!'' Please, please don't let him do it!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Krebbs''': Oh, there he goes again...
:'''Red''': Take it easy, mate. You don't wanna hurt yourself again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bianca''': Now, now, Cody. We mustn't lose hope. Bernard is still out there.
:'''Jake''': That's right! If anyone can get us out of this, it's old Berno! ''[under his breath]'' Nice bluff, Miss B.
:'''Bianca''': I wasn't bluffing. You don't know Bernard like I do. He'll never give up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bianca''': Oh, Bernard, you were magnificent! You're absolutely the hero of the day!
:'''Bernard''': Miss Bianca, before anything else happens... ''[drops to one knee and pulls out the ring]'' Will you marry me?
:'''Bianca''': Bernard... Of course I will!
:'''Jake''': ''[thumbs up]'' Well done, mate.

==Countries Release date==
*Togo - December 25, 1990
*Egypt - May 16, 1991
*Turkey - August 31, 1991
*Madagascar - November 17, 1995
*United States - March 7, 2003 (10th Anniversary Edition THX-Certified)
*Thailand - April 4, 2012

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title|0100477}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Rescuers Down Under, The}}
[[Category:1990 films]]
[[Category:1990s American animated films]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated drama films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Sequel films]]
[[Category:Films about mice]]
[[Category:Films directed by Mike Gabriel]]</text>
      <sha1>qdb8ghynotv8mwryaeyhjl9yr8bzkys</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147405</id>
      <parentid>3147396</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T13:22:05Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>107.77.192.21</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Percival C. McLeach */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="13410" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:The Rescuers Down Under|The Rescuers Down Under]]''''' is a 1990 American [[w:animation|animated film]] produced by [[w:Walt Disney Feature Animation|Walt Disney Feature Animation]] and first Disney sequel released by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]] and [[w:Buena Vista Distribution|Buena Vista Distribution]] on November 16, 1990. The film is the sequel to the 1977 film ''[[The Rescuers]]'', which was based on the novels of [[w:Margery Sharp|Margery Sharp]].

==Wilbur==
* Welcome to... Albatross Air! &quot;A fair fare from here to there.&quot; Ha ha, you get it? &quot;A fair fare...&quot; It's a play on... Never mind.

* Tie your kangaroos down, sports fans! HERE... WE... COME!

* Throw another shrimp on the barbie, girls, 'cause HERE I COME!

* ''[last line]'' HELP!! ANYBODY! Bernard! Bianca! WHERE ARE YOU?! Okay, that's it! I'm outta here! This is ridiculous! You can't leave me here alone! I'm gone! I am gone! ''[cracking and chirping sounds]'' Oh no. Stay in those eggs! That's a direct order! Hey... you're kind of a cute little feller. Goochy goochy goochy- ''[back cracks; screams; groans]''

==Percival C. McLeach==
* ''[to Joanna]'' Did you take one of my eggs? ''[Joanna heads nod]'' Okay. Let's see eagle for boy. ''[Joanna shakes her head]'' Open your mouth. ''[Joanna opens her mouth, McLeach looks inside while Joanna hides the missing egg in her tongue and from McLeach's view]'' These are NOT Joanna eggs! Let's see. The eagle, or flying eagle, or super eagle. The boy won't give the eagle. ''[Bernard: Arrest, McLeach at once!]''

* Why don't give the Eagle eggs, '''''I WANT TO STAY FROM MY--''''' ''[Bernard: No, McLeach! '''YOU GONNA GET US KILLED!!!'''] [inspires]''  The Eagle eggs! That's it? From the boy weakness spot, But I didn't have bird's nest, my Bernard was never waste.

* I didn't do it anything make it all the way through unspotted third grade for nothin'!? ''[Bernard I'll KILL Percival C. McLeach!]''

* I'm gonna kill her... '''''I'M GONNA KILL THAT DUMB SLIMY EGG-SUCKING SALAMANDER!'''''

* Bad dog! Stand down! No! '''''AHHHHHHH!'''''

* ''[to Bianca]'' You're fired, or I'll kill you! ''[Cody: Look, that is misunderstanding. I'm not gonna hurt eagle. Wilbur: It was you! YOU'RE KILL YOU MCLEACH!]'' He stolen gun and knife!

* Bernard, what you mean steals gun?

* '''''JOANNA!!!''''' YOU HURRY UP AND EAT THOSE EGGS AND GET YOUR TAIL UP HERE! '''''MOVE IT!!!'''''

* Oh, that should never heard to this Eagle eggs. ''[Cody: Eagle? Oh yes, maybe was like to--]'' Shh!

* Joanna! ''[Jake: Let the boy go. Bernard: Leave the boy alone!]'' Did you know... there was a razorback in my truck? Did ya? ''[Joanna nods]'' Did ya?! ''[Joanna shakes her head nervously]'' '''''THERE WAS A RAZORBACK IN MY TRUCK!''''' Now you quit playing around and do your job, you four-legged python!? ''[Bernard: You're McLeach is DIE!]''

* ''[last words to the crocodiles after fending them off]'' I whooped ya! I whooped y'all! You'll think twice before messin' with Percival C. McLeach! ''[laughs maniacally, then Joanna waves and looks]'' Huh, ah! AAAAAAAAAHHH!!! Whoa! NO! ''[look waterfall]'' '''''NOOOOOOOOOO!!''''' ''[waterfalls to death]''

==Jake==
* That's ''enough?'' It's OVER McLeach, I'm not going to hurt bird.

* I will you're boy is a good influence Joanna eggs for crocodile. Honestly. Sing Cody while playing the guitar. ''[McLeach: What?!]''

==Dialogue==
:'''Miss Bianca''': ''[whilst Wilbur drinks from a can of cream soda]'' We must leave tonight.
:'''Wilbur''': ''[spit takes]'' Tonight?! ''[coughs; laughs]'' Come on. You're kiddin' me, right? ''[laughs; opens his window]'' Have ya looked outside? It's suicide out there! ''[laughs; closes window]'' Oh, no. Ohhhhhhh, no! I'm afraid your jolly little holiday will have to wait. ''[laughs]'' What a bunch of jokers! 
:'''Miss Bianca''': But you don't understand. A boy needs our help. He's in trouble!
:'''Wilbur''': Boy? You mean, &quot;little kid&quot; kinda boy?
:'''Miss Bianca''': He was kidnapped!
:'''Wilbur''': Kidnapped? Oh! That-that's awful! Lockin' up a little kid... Kids should be free! Free to run wild through the house on Saturday mornings, free to have cookies and milk, and get those little white moustaches, you know, the-- Nobody's gonna take a kid's freedom while I'm around! Nobody ain't! Hear me?! 
:'''Bianca''': Does that mean you'll take us?
:'''Wilbur''': Storm or no storm, Albatross Airlines, ''[salutes]'' at your service!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bianca''': Captain, is this a non-stop flight to Australia?
:'''Wilbur''': Well, uh, not exactly no. Uh... I can definitely say no. We're gonna have to make connections with a bigger bird. Non-stop? What do I look like, [[w:Charles Lindbergh|Charles Lindbergh]]?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wilbur''': ''[over radio]'' Mugwump tower! Mugwump tower, this is Albatross 1-3, requesting permission to land, over!
:'''Jake''': Albatross? Let's see. ''[examines size chart of different birds]'' Finch, wren, scrub-bird, lorikeet, freckled duck, galah, kookaburra, parrot, cockatoo, albatro– Alb-albatross?! It's a jumbo! ''[to Wilbur]'' Negative, 1-3! You'll have to turn back! Our runway isn't long enough for a bird your size!
:'''Wilbur''': Not long enough?! Look, pal! I can land this thing on a dime!
:'''Bernard''': Uh, Wilbur, if the runway isn't long enough--
:'''Wilbur''': Listen! You can't let these radar jockeys push you around! Just leave it to me, all right?
:'''Jake''': I say again, mate, our runway is too short!
:'''Wilbur''': And I say again, &quot;mate&quot;, I'm comin' in!
:'''Jake''': Crazy Yank!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jake''': So, um, which way are we taking, uh, Suicide Trail through Nightmare Canyon, or the shortcut at Satan's Ridge?
:'''Bernard''': Suicide Trail?
:'''Jake''': Good choice! More snakes, less quicksand. Then once you cross Bloodworm Creek, you're scot free, that is until, um... Dead Dingo Pass.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''McLeach''': Well, Joanna, what did we get today? A dingo, a fat old razorback, or a nice big... boy? ''[McLeach frowns, turns to look at Joanna and suddenly viciously kicks her]'' JOANNA, YOU BEEN DIGGING HOLES OUT HERE AGAIN?! HUH?! Darn lizard's always trying to bury squirrels out here.
:'''Cody''': Uh-uh. It's a trap, and poaching's ''against the law.''
:'''McLeach''': Trap? Where'd you get an idea like that, boy? I think you've been down in that hole too long. ''[points gun barrel directly at Cody's chest]'' Well, come on, grab a hold. ''[Cody gulps and grabs the gun, and McLeach pulls him out of the hole]'' We'll just get you outta this old lizard-hole, then you can just run on home.
:''[Joanna notices the mouse in Cody's backpack and snarls]''
:'''Cody''': This ''is'' a poacher's trap, and ''you're'' a poacher! ''[Joanna attacks. McLeach screams while he falls into his own pit, his gun going off in the process]'' Let go! Hey, get off me!
:'''McLeach''': ''[climbing out]'' I'm gonna kill her...I'm gonna kill ''that dumb, slimy, egg-suckin' salamander!''
:'''Cody''': Cut it out, get off of me!
:''[McLeach angrily aims his gun at Joanna, until he notices Marahute's feather sticking out of the backpack]''
:'''McLeach''': Hmmmm... Good girl Joanna. Say, where'd you get this pretty feather, boy?
:'''Cody''': It was a present.
:'''McLeach''': Oh, that's real nice. Who gave it to you?
:'''Cody''': It's a...secret.
:'''McLeach''': That's ''no secret,'' boy. You see, I already got the father. ''[performs a throat-slitting gesture with a battered eagle feather]'' Hah, hah, hah! Now you just tell me where mama and those little eggs are.
:'''Cody''': ''[retreats]'' No!
:'''McLeach''': Joanna, sic 'em! ''[Joanna chases Cody to the edge of Crocodile Falls and McLeach stamps on Cody's hand, stopping him from using his knife]'' You're coming with me, boy.
:'''Cody''': My Mom'll call the Rangers!
:'''McLeach''': ''[mockingly]'' Oh no! Not the Rangers, what'll I do? What'll I do?! Don't let your mom call the Rangers, ''please!'' ''[Joanna laughs; McLeach flings Cody's backpack into the water, where the crocodiles attack it]'' &quot;My poor baby boy got eaten by the crocodiles, boo-hoo-hoo!&quot; ''[chuckles, as he grabs Cody]'' Let's go, boy!
:'''Cody''': ''[gets locked in the cage on McLeach's truck]'' Help! Help!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Cody''': ''[Locked in McLeach's truck, throwing traps around]'' Let me out of here! Let me go! You can't do this! ''Help! HELP! HEEEEEELP!!!''
:'''McLeach''': ''[over the speaker]'' Breaker, breaker, little mate! I forgot to tell 'ya, round here, you need to be '''QUIET!''' Or the Rangers might hear. Now sit down and relax and enjoy the view. Nothing but abandoned opal mines, far as the eye can see! And dead ahead, is home sweet home.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''McLeach''': Well, Joanna, it looks like lady luck has finally decided to smile on us. Everything's going our way to these waltz. ''[laughs to himself]''
:'''Cody''': ''[screaming]'' ''You can't do this!'' You're gonna get ''in big trouble!'' I'll tell the Rangers ''where you are! [Joanna opened the window to Cody]''
:'''McLeach''': ''[groans]'' Oops! I almost forgot...we got a loose end tie up, haven't we girl?
:'''Cody''': Don't worry I'm not going hurt bird. Just a golden hawk.
:'''Bernard''': McLeach, you're never tell you! NEVER!
:'''Joanna''': Me either.
:'''Cody''': Shh! I'll call mom.
:'''Jake''': Yeah!
:'''Cody''': ''[singsong]'' Oh doggies!
:'''McLeach''': ''[dog growls and barking]'' What the... Dogs?! ''[Dog bites his legs]'' OUCH! OW, OW, OW, OW, OW!!
:'''Red Kangaroo''': That's good is should honest for Cody anyone you're bird's alive, golden eagle hero.
:'''McLeach''': ''[exclaiming]'' You biting my legs! ''[runs away and screams]''
:''' Bernard''': Cody, I was wondering to fourth grade, you tell my that.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Doctor''': Forceps!
:'''Nurse Mouse''': Forceps!
:'''Wilbur''': Oh no... What now?
:'''Doctor''': Spinal streculator!
:'''Wilbur''': Ohh! That's gonna hurt!
:'''Doctor''': Artery router!
:'''Wilbur''': Mother!
:'''Doctor''': This is rusted tight. I wouldn't dream of using such a tool. Bring me the epidermal tissue disruptor!
:'''Wilbur''': THE EPIDERMAL ''WHAT?!''
:''[The nurses rev up a chainsaw]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Cody is tied up in front of a map, while McLeach is across the room sharpening several knives]''
:'''McLeach''': Let's see if we can't refresh that rusty old memory of yours. Is she ''on Satan's Ridge?!'' ''[throws knife which embeds in map on &quot;Satan's Ridge&quot; and very close to Cody]'' Or ''Nightmare Canyon?!'' ''[throws another knife]'' What do you think, Joanna? ''[Joanna breaks a cracker in half]'' Yeah, that's it. Right smack dab ''in the middle of Croc Falls!'' ''[knife embeds into &quot;Croc Falls&quot; and very close to Cody's head]'' Am I gettin' warm?
:'''Cody''': I told you ''I don't remember!''
:'''McLeach''': ''[walks toward Cody with a knife]'' Don't you realize ''a bird that size'' is worth a ''fortune?!'' ''[stabs knife into map next to Cody and gets nose to nose with him]'' I'll split the money with ya–50-50. You've got no better offer than that, boy!
:'''Cody''': You won't have ''any'' money after the Rangers get through with you!
:'''McLeach''': ''[growls]'' Grrr...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cody''': There must be a way out of here.
:'''Krebbs''': Oh, there's a way out, all right.
:'''Red and Frank''': There is?
:'''Krebbs''': ''[to Red]'' Absolutely! ''You'll'' go as a wallet, ''[to platypus]'' ''you'll'' go as a belt, and our dear Frank...
:'''Frank''': No, no, no! I don't want to hear it!
:'''Krebbs''': Frank will go as...
:'''Frank''': I can't hear you! ''[covers ears while singing nonsense; stops to see if Krebbs is done]''
:'''Krebbs''': A purse.
:'''Frank''': ''[shrieks hysterically]''
:'''Krebbs''': Oh, a lovely lady's purse!
:'''Frank''': I DON'T WANNA GO AS A ''PURSE!'' Please, please don't let him do it!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Krebbs''': Oh, there he goes again...
:'''Red''': Take it easy, mate. You don't wanna hurt yourself again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bianca''': Now, now, Cody. We mustn't lose hope. Bernard is still out there.
:'''Jake''': That's right! If anyone can get us out of this, it's old Berno! ''[under his breath]'' Nice bluff, Miss B.
:'''Bianca''': I wasn't bluffing. You don't know Bernard like I do. He'll never give up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bianca''': Oh, Bernard, you were magnificent! You're absolutely the hero of the day!
:'''Bernard''': Miss Bianca, before anything else happens... ''[drops to one knee and pulls out the ring]'' Will you marry me?
:'''Bianca''': Bernard... Of course I will!
:'''Jake''': ''[thumbs up]'' Well done, mate.

==Countries Release date==
*Togo - December 25, 1990
*Egypt - May 16, 1991
*Turkey - August 31, 1991
*Madagascar - November 17, 1995
*United States - March 7, 2003 (10th Anniversary Edition THX-Certified)
*Thailand - April 4, 2012

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title|0100477}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Rescuers Down Under, The}}
[[Category:1990 films]]
[[Category:1990s American animated films]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated drama films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Sequel films]]
[[Category:Films about mice]]
[[Category:Films directed by Mike Gabriel]]</text>
      <sha1>0rs10r8dpdklni6azu803bg1upighmo</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147406</id>
      <parentid>3147405</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T13:22:54Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>107.77.192.21</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Jake */2012</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="13411" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:The Rescuers Down Under|The Rescuers Down Under]]''''' is a 1990 American [[w:animation|animated film]] produced by [[w:Walt Disney Feature Animation|Walt Disney Feature Animation]] and first Disney sequel released by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]] and [[w:Buena Vista Distribution|Buena Vista Distribution]] on November 16, 1990. The film is the sequel to the 1977 film ''[[The Rescuers]]'', which was based on the novels of [[w:Margery Sharp|Margery Sharp]].

==Wilbur==
* Welcome to... Albatross Air! &quot;A fair fare from here to there.&quot; Ha ha, you get it? &quot;A fair fare...&quot; It's a play on... Never mind.

* Tie your kangaroos down, sports fans! HERE... WE... COME!

* Throw another shrimp on the barbie, girls, 'cause HERE I COME!

* ''[last line]'' HELP!! ANYBODY! Bernard! Bianca! WHERE ARE YOU?! Okay, that's it! I'm outta here! This is ridiculous! You can't leave me here alone! I'm gone! I am gone! ''[cracking and chirping sounds]'' Oh no. Stay in those eggs! That's a direct order! Hey... you're kind of a cute little feller. Goochy goochy goochy- ''[back cracks; screams; groans]''

==Percival C. McLeach==
* ''[to Joanna]'' Did you take one of my eggs? ''[Joanna heads nod]'' Okay. Let's see eagle for boy. ''[Joanna shakes her head]'' Open your mouth. ''[Joanna opens her mouth, McLeach looks inside while Joanna hides the missing egg in her tongue and from McLeach's view]'' These are NOT Joanna eggs! Let's see. The eagle, or flying eagle, or super eagle. The boy won't give the eagle. ''[Bernard: Arrest, McLeach at once!]''

* Why don't give the Eagle eggs, '''''I WANT TO STAY FROM MY--''''' ''[Bernard: No, McLeach! '''YOU GONNA GET US KILLED!!!'''] [inspires]''  The Eagle eggs! That's it? From the boy weakness spot, But I didn't have bird's nest, my Bernard was never waste.

* I didn't do it anything make it all the way through unspotted third grade for nothin'!? ''[Bernard I'll KILL Percival C. McLeach!]''

* I'm gonna kill her... '''''I'M GONNA KILL THAT DUMB SLIMY EGG-SUCKING SALAMANDER!'''''

* Bad dog! Stand down! No! '''''AHHHHHHH!'''''

* ''[to Bianca]'' You're fired, or I'll kill you! ''[Cody: Look, that is misunderstanding. I'm not gonna hurt eagle. Wilbur: It was you! YOU'RE KILL YOU MCLEACH!]'' He stolen gun and knife!

* Bernard, what you mean steals gun?

* '''''JOANNA!!!''''' YOU HURRY UP AND EAT THOSE EGGS AND GET YOUR TAIL UP HERE! '''''MOVE IT!!!'''''

* Oh, that should never heard to this Eagle eggs. ''[Cody: Eagle? Oh yes, maybe was like to--]'' Shh!

* Joanna! ''[Jake: Let the boy go. Bernard: Leave the boy alone!]'' Did you know... there was a razorback in my truck? Did ya? ''[Joanna nods]'' Did ya?! ''[Joanna shakes her head nervously]'' '''''THERE WAS A RAZORBACK IN MY TRUCK!''''' Now you quit playing around and do your job, you four-legged python!? ''[Bernard: You're McLeach is DIE!]''

* ''[last words to the crocodiles after fending them off]'' I whooped ya! I whooped y'all! You'll think twice before messin' with Percival C. McLeach! ''[laughs maniacally, then Joanna waves and looks]'' Huh, ah! AAAAAAAAAHHH!!! Whoa! NO! ''[look waterfall]'' '''''NOOOOOOOOOO!!''''' ''[waterfalls to death]''

==Jake==
* That's ''enough?'' It's OVER McLeach, I'm not going to hurt bird.

* I will you're boy is a good influence Joanna eggs for crocodiles. Honestly. Sing Cody while playing the guitar. ''[McLeach: What?!]''

==Dialogue==
:'''Miss Bianca''': ''[whilst Wilbur drinks from a can of cream soda]'' We must leave tonight.
:'''Wilbur''': ''[spit takes]'' Tonight?! ''[coughs; laughs]'' Come on. You're kiddin' me, right? ''[laughs; opens his window]'' Have ya looked outside? It's suicide out there! ''[laughs; closes window]'' Oh, no. Ohhhhhhh, no! I'm afraid your jolly little holiday will have to wait. ''[laughs]'' What a bunch of jokers! 
:'''Miss Bianca''': But you don't understand. A boy needs our help. He's in trouble!
:'''Wilbur''': Boy? You mean, &quot;little kid&quot; kinda boy?
:'''Miss Bianca''': He was kidnapped!
:'''Wilbur''': Kidnapped? Oh! That-that's awful! Lockin' up a little kid... Kids should be free! Free to run wild through the house on Saturday mornings, free to have cookies and milk, and get those little white moustaches, you know, the-- Nobody's gonna take a kid's freedom while I'm around! Nobody ain't! Hear me?! 
:'''Bianca''': Does that mean you'll take us?
:'''Wilbur''': Storm or no storm, Albatross Airlines, ''[salutes]'' at your service!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bianca''': Captain, is this a non-stop flight to Australia?
:'''Wilbur''': Well, uh, not exactly no. Uh... I can definitely say no. We're gonna have to make connections with a bigger bird. Non-stop? What do I look like, [[w:Charles Lindbergh|Charles Lindbergh]]?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wilbur''': ''[over radio]'' Mugwump tower! Mugwump tower, this is Albatross 1-3, requesting permission to land, over!
:'''Jake''': Albatross? Let's see. ''[examines size chart of different birds]'' Finch, wren, scrub-bird, lorikeet, freckled duck, galah, kookaburra, parrot, cockatoo, albatro– Alb-albatross?! It's a jumbo! ''[to Wilbur]'' Negative, 1-3! You'll have to turn back! Our runway isn't long enough for a bird your size!
:'''Wilbur''': Not long enough?! Look, pal! I can land this thing on a dime!
:'''Bernard''': Uh, Wilbur, if the runway isn't long enough--
:'''Wilbur''': Listen! You can't let these radar jockeys push you around! Just leave it to me, all right?
:'''Jake''': I say again, mate, our runway is too short!
:'''Wilbur''': And I say again, &quot;mate&quot;, I'm comin' in!
:'''Jake''': Crazy Yank!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jake''': So, um, which way are we taking, uh, Suicide Trail through Nightmare Canyon, or the shortcut at Satan's Ridge?
:'''Bernard''': Suicide Trail?
:'''Jake''': Good choice! More snakes, less quicksand. Then once you cross Bloodworm Creek, you're scot free, that is until, um... Dead Dingo Pass.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''McLeach''': Well, Joanna, what did we get today? A dingo, a fat old razorback, or a nice big... boy? ''[McLeach frowns, turns to look at Joanna and suddenly viciously kicks her]'' JOANNA, YOU BEEN DIGGING HOLES OUT HERE AGAIN?! HUH?! Darn lizard's always trying to bury squirrels out here.
:'''Cody''': Uh-uh. It's a trap, and poaching's ''against the law.''
:'''McLeach''': Trap? Where'd you get an idea like that, boy? I think you've been down in that hole too long. ''[points gun barrel directly at Cody's chest]'' Well, come on, grab a hold. ''[Cody gulps and grabs the gun, and McLeach pulls him out of the hole]'' We'll just get you outta this old lizard-hole, then you can just run on home.
:''[Joanna notices the mouse in Cody's backpack and snarls]''
:'''Cody''': This ''is'' a poacher's trap, and ''you're'' a poacher! ''[Joanna attacks. McLeach screams while he falls into his own pit, his gun going off in the process]'' Let go! Hey, get off me!
:'''McLeach''': ''[climbing out]'' I'm gonna kill her...I'm gonna kill ''that dumb, slimy, egg-suckin' salamander!''
:'''Cody''': Cut it out, get off of me!
:''[McLeach angrily aims his gun at Joanna, until he notices Marahute's feather sticking out of the backpack]''
:'''McLeach''': Hmmmm... Good girl Joanna. Say, where'd you get this pretty feather, boy?
:'''Cody''': It was a present.
:'''McLeach''': Oh, that's real nice. Who gave it to you?
:'''Cody''': It's a...secret.
:'''McLeach''': That's ''no secret,'' boy. You see, I already got the father. ''[performs a throat-slitting gesture with a battered eagle feather]'' Hah, hah, hah! Now you just tell me where mama and those little eggs are.
:'''Cody''': ''[retreats]'' No!
:'''McLeach''': Joanna, sic 'em! ''[Joanna chases Cody to the edge of Crocodile Falls and McLeach stamps on Cody's hand, stopping him from using his knife]'' You're coming with me, boy.
:'''Cody''': My Mom'll call the Rangers!
:'''McLeach''': ''[mockingly]'' Oh no! Not the Rangers, what'll I do? What'll I do?! Don't let your mom call the Rangers, ''please!'' ''[Joanna laughs; McLeach flings Cody's backpack into the water, where the crocodiles attack it]'' &quot;My poor baby boy got eaten by the crocodiles, boo-hoo-hoo!&quot; ''[chuckles, as he grabs Cody]'' Let's go, boy!
:'''Cody''': ''[gets locked in the cage on McLeach's truck]'' Help! Help!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Cody''': ''[Locked in McLeach's truck, throwing traps around]'' Let me out of here! Let me go! You can't do this! ''Help! HELP! HEEEEEELP!!!''
:'''McLeach''': ''[over the speaker]'' Breaker, breaker, little mate! I forgot to tell 'ya, round here, you need to be '''QUIET!''' Or the Rangers might hear. Now sit down and relax and enjoy the view. Nothing but abandoned opal mines, far as the eye can see! And dead ahead, is home sweet home.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''McLeach''': Well, Joanna, it looks like lady luck has finally decided to smile on us. Everything's going our way to these waltz. ''[laughs to himself]''
:'''Cody''': ''[screaming]'' ''You can't do this!'' You're gonna get ''in big trouble!'' I'll tell the Rangers ''where you are! [Joanna opened the window to Cody]''
:'''McLeach''': ''[groans]'' Oops! I almost forgot...we got a loose end tie up, haven't we girl?
:'''Cody''': Don't worry I'm not going hurt bird. Just a golden hawk.
:'''Bernard''': McLeach, you're never tell you! NEVER!
:'''Joanna''': Me either.
:'''Cody''': Shh! I'll call mom.
:'''Jake''': Yeah!
:'''Cody''': ''[singsong]'' Oh doggies!
:'''McLeach''': ''[dog growls and barking]'' What the... Dogs?! ''[Dog bites his legs]'' OUCH! OW, OW, OW, OW, OW!!
:'''Red Kangaroo''': That's good is should honest for Cody anyone you're bird's alive, golden eagle hero.
:'''McLeach''': ''[exclaiming]'' You biting my legs! ''[runs away and screams]''
:''' Bernard''': Cody, I was wondering to fourth grade, you tell my that.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Doctor''': Forceps!
:'''Nurse Mouse''': Forceps!
:'''Wilbur''': Oh no... What now?
:'''Doctor''': Spinal streculator!
:'''Wilbur''': Ohh! That's gonna hurt!
:'''Doctor''': Artery router!
:'''Wilbur''': Mother!
:'''Doctor''': This is rusted tight. I wouldn't dream of using such a tool. Bring me the epidermal tissue disruptor!
:'''Wilbur''': THE EPIDERMAL ''WHAT?!''
:''[The nurses rev up a chainsaw]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Cody is tied up in front of a map, while McLeach is across the room sharpening several knives]''
:'''McLeach''': Let's see if we can't refresh that rusty old memory of yours. Is she ''on Satan's Ridge?!'' ''[throws knife which embeds in map on &quot;Satan's Ridge&quot; and very close to Cody]'' Or ''Nightmare Canyon?!'' ''[throws another knife]'' What do you think, Joanna? ''[Joanna breaks a cracker in half]'' Yeah, that's it. Right smack dab ''in the middle of Croc Falls!'' ''[knife embeds into &quot;Croc Falls&quot; and very close to Cody's head]'' Am I gettin' warm?
:'''Cody''': I told you ''I don't remember!''
:'''McLeach''': ''[walks toward Cody with a knife]'' Don't you realize ''a bird that size'' is worth a ''fortune?!'' ''[stabs knife into map next to Cody and gets nose to nose with him]'' I'll split the money with ya–50-50. You've got no better offer than that, boy!
:'''Cody''': You won't have ''any'' money after the Rangers get through with you!
:'''McLeach''': ''[growls]'' Grrr...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cody''': There must be a way out of here.
:'''Krebbs''': Oh, there's a way out, all right.
:'''Red and Frank''': There is?
:'''Krebbs''': ''[to Red]'' Absolutely! ''You'll'' go as a wallet, ''[to platypus]'' ''you'll'' go as a belt, and our dear Frank...
:'''Frank''': No, no, no! I don't want to hear it!
:'''Krebbs''': Frank will go as...
:'''Frank''': I can't hear you! ''[covers ears while singing nonsense; stops to see if Krebbs is done]''
:'''Krebbs''': A purse.
:'''Frank''': ''[shrieks hysterically]''
:'''Krebbs''': Oh, a lovely lady's purse!
:'''Frank''': I DON'T WANNA GO AS A ''PURSE!'' Please, please don't let him do it!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Krebbs''': Oh, there he goes again...
:'''Red''': Take it easy, mate. You don't wanna hurt yourself again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bianca''': Now, now, Cody. We mustn't lose hope. Bernard is still out there.
:'''Jake''': That's right! If anyone can get us out of this, it's old Berno! ''[under his breath]'' Nice bluff, Miss B.
:'''Bianca''': I wasn't bluffing. You don't know Bernard like I do. He'll never give up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bianca''': Oh, Bernard, you were magnificent! You're absolutely the hero of the day!
:'''Bernard''': Miss Bianca, before anything else happens... ''[drops to one knee and pulls out the ring]'' Will you marry me?
:'''Bianca''': Bernard... Of course I will!
:'''Jake''': ''[thumbs up]'' Well done, mate.

==Countries Release date==
*Togo - December 25, 1990
*Egypt - May 16, 1991
*Turkey - August 31, 1991
*Madagascar - November 17, 1995
*United States - March 7, 2003 (10th Anniversary Edition THX-Certified)
*Thailand - April 4, 2012

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title|0100477}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Rescuers Down Under, The}}
[[Category:1990 films]]
[[Category:1990s American animated films]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated drama films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Sequel films]]
[[Category:Films about mice]]
[[Category:Films directed by Mike Gabriel]]</text>
      <sha1>aueejq5mpmkarxho8s4rg3m1hf911bl</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147410</id>
      <parentid>3147406</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T13:24:51Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>107.77.192.21</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Percival C. McLeach */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="13427" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:The Rescuers Down Under|The Rescuers Down Under]]''''' is a 1990 American [[w:animation|animated film]] produced by [[w:Walt Disney Feature Animation|Walt Disney Feature Animation]] and first Disney sequel released by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]] and [[w:Buena Vista Distribution|Buena Vista Distribution]] on November 16, 1990. The film is the sequel to the 1977 film ''[[The Rescuers]]'', which was based on the novels of [[w:Margery Sharp|Margery Sharp]].

==Wilbur==
* Welcome to... Albatross Air! &quot;A fair fare from here to there.&quot; Ha ha, you get it? &quot;A fair fare...&quot; It's a play on... Never mind.

* Tie your kangaroos down, sports fans! HERE... WE... COME!

* Throw another shrimp on the barbie, girls, 'cause HERE I COME!

* ''[last line]'' HELP!! ANYBODY! Bernard! Bianca! WHERE ARE YOU?! Okay, that's it! I'm outta here! This is ridiculous! You can't leave me here alone! I'm gone! I am gone! ''[cracking and chirping sounds]'' Oh no. Stay in those eggs! That's a direct order! Hey... you're kind of a cute little feller. Goochy goochy goochy- ''[back cracks; screams; groans]''

==Percival C. McLeach==
* ''[to Joanna]'' Did you take one of my eggs? ''[Joanna heads nod]'' Okay. Let's see eagle for boy. ''[Joanna shakes her head]'' Open your mouth. ''[Joanna opens her mouth, McLeach looks inside while Joanna hides the missing egg in her tongue and from McLeach's view]'' These are NOT Joanna eggs! Let's see. The eagle, or flying eagle, or super eagle. The boy won't give the eagle. ''[Bernard: Arrest, McLeach at once!]''

* Why don't give the Eagle eggs, '''''I WANT TO STAY FROM MY--''''' ''[Bernard: No, McLeach! '''YOU GONNA GET US KILLED!!!'''] [inspires]''  The Eagle eggs! That's it? From the boy weakness spot, But I didn't have bird's nest, my Bernard was never waste.

* I didn't do it anything make it all the way through unspotted third grade for nothin'!? ''[Bernard: You know what? I'll KILL Percival C. McLeach!]''

* I'm gonna kill her... '''''I'M GONNA KILL THAT DUMB SLIMY EGG-SUCKING SALAMANDER!'''''

* Bad dog! Stand down! No! '''''AHHHHHHH!'''''

* ''[to Bianca]'' You're fired, or I'll kill you! ''[Cody: Look, that is misunderstanding. I'm not gonna hurt eagle. Wilbur: It was you! YOU'RE KILL YOU MCLEACH!]'' He stolen gun and knife!

* Bernard, what you mean steals gun?

* '''''JOANNA!!!''''' YOU HURRY UP AND EAT THOSE EGGS AND GET YOUR TAIL UP HERE! '''''MOVE IT!!!'''''

* Oh, that should never heard to this Eagle eggs. ''[Cody: Eagle? Oh yes, maybe was like to--]'' Shh!

* Joanna! ''[Jake: Let the boy go. Bernard: Leave the boy alone!]'' Did you know... there was a razorback in my truck? Did ya? ''[Joanna nods]'' Did ya?! ''[Joanna shakes her head nervously]'' '''''THERE WAS A RAZORBACK IN MY TRUCK!''''' Now you quit playing around and do your job, you four-legged python!? ''[Bernard: You're McLeach is DIE!]''

* ''[last words to the crocodiles after fending them off]'' I whooped ya! I whooped y'all! You'll think twice before messin' with Percival C. McLeach! ''[laughs maniacally, then Joanna waves and looks]'' Huh, ah! AAAAAAAAAHHH!!! Whoa! NO! ''[look waterfall]'' '''''NOOOOOOOOOO!!''''' ''[waterfalls to death]''

==Jake==
* That's ''enough?'' It's OVER McLeach, I'm not going to hurt bird.

* I will you're boy is a good influence Joanna eggs for crocodiles. Honestly. Sing Cody while playing the guitar. ''[McLeach: What?!]''

==Dialogue==
:'''Miss Bianca''': ''[whilst Wilbur drinks from a can of cream soda]'' We must leave tonight.
:'''Wilbur''': ''[spit takes]'' Tonight?! ''[coughs; laughs]'' Come on. You're kiddin' me, right? ''[laughs; opens his window]'' Have ya looked outside? It's suicide out there! ''[laughs; closes window]'' Oh, no. Ohhhhhhh, no! I'm afraid your jolly little holiday will have to wait. ''[laughs]'' What a bunch of jokers! 
:'''Miss Bianca''': But you don't understand. A boy needs our help. He's in trouble!
:'''Wilbur''': Boy? You mean, &quot;little kid&quot; kinda boy?
:'''Miss Bianca''': He was kidnapped!
:'''Wilbur''': Kidnapped? Oh! That-that's awful! Lockin' up a little kid... Kids should be free! Free to run wild through the house on Saturday mornings, free to have cookies and milk, and get those little white moustaches, you know, the-- Nobody's gonna take a kid's freedom while I'm around! Nobody ain't! Hear me?! 
:'''Bianca''': Does that mean you'll take us?
:'''Wilbur''': Storm or no storm, Albatross Airlines, ''[salutes]'' at your service!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bianca''': Captain, is this a non-stop flight to Australia?
:'''Wilbur''': Well, uh, not exactly no. Uh... I can definitely say no. We're gonna have to make connections with a bigger bird. Non-stop? What do I look like, [[w:Charles Lindbergh|Charles Lindbergh]]?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wilbur''': ''[over radio]'' Mugwump tower! Mugwump tower, this is Albatross 1-3, requesting permission to land, over!
:'''Jake''': Albatross? Let's see. ''[examines size chart of different birds]'' Finch, wren, scrub-bird, lorikeet, freckled duck, galah, kookaburra, parrot, cockatoo, albatro– Alb-albatross?! It's a jumbo! ''[to Wilbur]'' Negative, 1-3! You'll have to turn back! Our runway isn't long enough for a bird your size!
:'''Wilbur''': Not long enough?! Look, pal! I can land this thing on a dime!
:'''Bernard''': Uh, Wilbur, if the runway isn't long enough--
:'''Wilbur''': Listen! You can't let these radar jockeys push you around! Just leave it to me, all right?
:'''Jake''': I say again, mate, our runway is too short!
:'''Wilbur''': And I say again, &quot;mate&quot;, I'm comin' in!
:'''Jake''': Crazy Yank!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jake''': So, um, which way are we taking, uh, Suicide Trail through Nightmare Canyon, or the shortcut at Satan's Ridge?
:'''Bernard''': Suicide Trail?
:'''Jake''': Good choice! More snakes, less quicksand. Then once you cross Bloodworm Creek, you're scot free, that is until, um... Dead Dingo Pass.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''McLeach''': Well, Joanna, what did we get today? A dingo, a fat old razorback, or a nice big... boy? ''[McLeach frowns, turns to look at Joanna and suddenly viciously kicks her]'' JOANNA, YOU BEEN DIGGING HOLES OUT HERE AGAIN?! HUH?! Darn lizard's always trying to bury squirrels out here.
:'''Cody''': Uh-uh. It's a trap, and poaching's ''against the law.''
:'''McLeach''': Trap? Where'd you get an idea like that, boy? I think you've been down in that hole too long. ''[points gun barrel directly at Cody's chest]'' Well, come on, grab a hold. ''[Cody gulps and grabs the gun, and McLeach pulls him out of the hole]'' We'll just get you outta this old lizard-hole, then you can just run on home.
:''[Joanna notices the mouse in Cody's backpack and snarls]''
:'''Cody''': This ''is'' a poacher's trap, and ''you're'' a poacher! ''[Joanna attacks. McLeach screams while he falls into his own pit, his gun going off in the process]'' Let go! Hey, get off me!
:'''McLeach''': ''[climbing out]'' I'm gonna kill her...I'm gonna kill ''that dumb, slimy, egg-suckin' salamander!''
:'''Cody''': Cut it out, get off of me!
:''[McLeach angrily aims his gun at Joanna, until he notices Marahute's feather sticking out of the backpack]''
:'''McLeach''': Hmmmm... Good girl Joanna. Say, where'd you get this pretty feather, boy?
:'''Cody''': It was a present.
:'''McLeach''': Oh, that's real nice. Who gave it to you?
:'''Cody''': It's a...secret.
:'''McLeach''': That's ''no secret,'' boy. You see, I already got the father. ''[performs a throat-slitting gesture with a battered eagle feather]'' Hah, hah, hah! Now you just tell me where mama and those little eggs are.
:'''Cody''': ''[retreats]'' No!
:'''McLeach''': Joanna, sic 'em! ''[Joanna chases Cody to the edge of Crocodile Falls and McLeach stamps on Cody's hand, stopping him from using his knife]'' You're coming with me, boy.
:'''Cody''': My Mom'll call the Rangers!
:'''McLeach''': ''[mockingly]'' Oh no! Not the Rangers, what'll I do? What'll I do?! Don't let your mom call the Rangers, ''please!'' ''[Joanna laughs; McLeach flings Cody's backpack into the water, where the crocodiles attack it]'' &quot;My poor baby boy got eaten by the crocodiles, boo-hoo-hoo!&quot; ''[chuckles, as he grabs Cody]'' Let's go, boy!
:'''Cody''': ''[gets locked in the cage on McLeach's truck]'' Help! Help!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Cody''': ''[Locked in McLeach's truck, throwing traps around]'' Let me out of here! Let me go! You can't do this! ''Help! HELP! HEEEEEELP!!!''
:'''McLeach''': ''[over the speaker]'' Breaker, breaker, little mate! I forgot to tell 'ya, round here, you need to be '''QUIET!''' Or the Rangers might hear. Now sit down and relax and enjoy the view. Nothing but abandoned opal mines, far as the eye can see! And dead ahead, is home sweet home.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''McLeach''': Well, Joanna, it looks like lady luck has finally decided to smile on us. Everything's going our way to these waltz. ''[laughs to himself]''
:'''Cody''': ''[screaming]'' ''You can't do this!'' You're gonna get ''in big trouble!'' I'll tell the Rangers ''where you are! [Joanna opened the window to Cody]''
:'''McLeach''': ''[groans]'' Oops! I almost forgot...we got a loose end tie up, haven't we girl?
:'''Cody''': Don't worry I'm not going hurt bird. Just a golden hawk.
:'''Bernard''': McLeach, you're never tell you! NEVER!
:'''Joanna''': Me either.
:'''Cody''': Shh! I'll call mom.
:'''Jake''': Yeah!
:'''Cody''': ''[singsong]'' Oh doggies!
:'''McLeach''': ''[dog growls and barking]'' What the... Dogs?! ''[Dog bites his legs]'' OUCH! OW, OW, OW, OW, OW!!
:'''Red Kangaroo''': That's good is should honest for Cody anyone you're bird's alive, golden eagle hero.
:'''McLeach''': ''[exclaiming]'' You biting my legs! ''[runs away and screams]''
:''' Bernard''': Cody, I was wondering to fourth grade, you tell my that.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Doctor''': Forceps!
:'''Nurse Mouse''': Forceps!
:'''Wilbur''': Oh no... What now?
:'''Doctor''': Spinal streculator!
:'''Wilbur''': Ohh! That's gonna hurt!
:'''Doctor''': Artery router!
:'''Wilbur''': Mother!
:'''Doctor''': This is rusted tight. I wouldn't dream of using such a tool. Bring me the epidermal tissue disruptor!
:'''Wilbur''': THE EPIDERMAL ''WHAT?!''
:''[The nurses rev up a chainsaw]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Cody is tied up in front of a map, while McLeach is across the room sharpening several knives]''
:'''McLeach''': Let's see if we can't refresh that rusty old memory of yours. Is she ''on Satan's Ridge?!'' ''[throws knife which embeds in map on &quot;Satan's Ridge&quot; and very close to Cody]'' Or ''Nightmare Canyon?!'' ''[throws another knife]'' What do you think, Joanna? ''[Joanna breaks a cracker in half]'' Yeah, that's it. Right smack dab ''in the middle of Croc Falls!'' ''[knife embeds into &quot;Croc Falls&quot; and very close to Cody's head]'' Am I gettin' warm?
:'''Cody''': I told you ''I don't remember!''
:'''McLeach''': ''[walks toward Cody with a knife]'' Don't you realize ''a bird that size'' is worth a ''fortune?!'' ''[stabs knife into map next to Cody and gets nose to nose with him]'' I'll split the money with ya–50-50. You've got no better offer than that, boy!
:'''Cody''': You won't have ''any'' money after the Rangers get through with you!
:'''McLeach''': ''[growls]'' Grrr...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cody''': There must be a way out of here.
:'''Krebbs''': Oh, there's a way out, all right.
:'''Red and Frank''': There is?
:'''Krebbs''': ''[to Red]'' Absolutely! ''You'll'' go as a wallet, ''[to platypus]'' ''you'll'' go as a belt, and our dear Frank...
:'''Frank''': No, no, no! I don't want to hear it!
:'''Krebbs''': Frank will go as...
:'''Frank''': I can't hear you! ''[covers ears while singing nonsense; stops to see if Krebbs is done]''
:'''Krebbs''': A purse.
:'''Frank''': ''[shrieks hysterically]''
:'''Krebbs''': Oh, a lovely lady's purse!
:'''Frank''': I DON'T WANNA GO AS A ''PURSE!'' Please, please don't let him do it!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Krebbs''': Oh, there he goes again...
:'''Red''': Take it easy, mate. You don't wanna hurt yourself again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bianca''': Now, now, Cody. We mustn't lose hope. Bernard is still out there.
:'''Jake''': That's right! If anyone can get us out of this, it's old Berno! ''[under his breath]'' Nice bluff, Miss B.
:'''Bianca''': I wasn't bluffing. You don't know Bernard like I do. He'll never give up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bianca''': Oh, Bernard, you were magnificent! You're absolutely the hero of the day!
:'''Bernard''': Miss Bianca, before anything else happens... ''[drops to one knee and pulls out the ring]'' Will you marry me?
:'''Bianca''': Bernard... Of course I will!
:'''Jake''': ''[thumbs up]'' Well done, mate.

==Countries Release date==
*Togo - December 25, 1990
*Egypt - May 16, 1991
*Turkey - August 31, 1991
*Madagascar - November 17, 1995
*United States - March 7, 2003 (10th Anniversary Edition THX-Certified)
*Thailand - April 4, 2012

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title|0100477}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Rescuers Down Under, The}}
[[Category:1990 films]]
[[Category:1990s American animated films]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated drama films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Sequel films]]
[[Category:Films about mice]]
[[Category:Films directed by Mike Gabriel]]</text>
      <sha1>4gzpn40nbkni8r9t9m7lrn1r4ffqllo</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147417</id>
      <parentid>3147410</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T13:30:01Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>107.77.192.21</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Countries Release date */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="13469" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:The Rescuers Down Under|The Rescuers Down Under]]''''' is a 1990 American [[w:animation|animated film]] produced by [[w:Walt Disney Feature Animation|Walt Disney Feature Animation]] and first Disney sequel released by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]] and [[w:Buena Vista Distribution|Buena Vista Distribution]] on November 16, 1990. The film is the sequel to the 1977 film ''[[The Rescuers]]'', which was based on the novels of [[w:Margery Sharp|Margery Sharp]].

==Wilbur==
* Welcome to... Albatross Air! &quot;A fair fare from here to there.&quot; Ha ha, you get it? &quot;A fair fare...&quot; It's a play on... Never mind.

* Tie your kangaroos down, sports fans! HERE... WE... COME!

* Throw another shrimp on the barbie, girls, 'cause HERE I COME!

* ''[last line]'' HELP!! ANYBODY! Bernard! Bianca! WHERE ARE YOU?! Okay, that's it! I'm outta here! This is ridiculous! You can't leave me here alone! I'm gone! I am gone! ''[cracking and chirping sounds]'' Oh no. Stay in those eggs! That's a direct order! Hey... you're kind of a cute little feller. Goochy goochy goochy- ''[back cracks; screams; groans]''

==Percival C. McLeach==
* ''[to Joanna]'' Did you take one of my eggs? ''[Joanna heads nod]'' Okay. Let's see eagle for boy. ''[Joanna shakes her head]'' Open your mouth. ''[Joanna opens her mouth, McLeach looks inside while Joanna hides the missing egg in her tongue and from McLeach's view]'' These are NOT Joanna eggs! Let's see. The eagle, or flying eagle, or super eagle. The boy won't give the eagle. ''[Bernard: Arrest, McLeach at once!]''

* Why don't give the Eagle eggs, '''''I WANT TO STAY FROM MY--''''' ''[Bernard: No, McLeach! '''YOU GONNA GET US KILLED!!!'''] [inspires]''  The Eagle eggs! That's it? From the boy weakness spot, But I didn't have bird's nest, my Bernard was never waste.

* I didn't do it anything make it all the way through unspotted third grade for nothin'!? ''[Bernard: You know what? I'll KILL Percival C. McLeach!]''

* I'm gonna kill her... '''''I'M GONNA KILL THAT DUMB SLIMY EGG-SUCKING SALAMANDER!'''''

* Bad dog! Stand down! No! '''''AHHHHHHH!'''''

* ''[to Bianca]'' You're fired, or I'll kill you! ''[Cody: Look, that is misunderstanding. I'm not gonna hurt eagle. Wilbur: It was you! YOU'RE KILL YOU MCLEACH!]'' He stolen gun and knife!

* Bernard, what you mean steals gun?

* '''''JOANNA!!!''''' YOU HURRY UP AND EAT THOSE EGGS AND GET YOUR TAIL UP HERE! '''''MOVE IT!!!'''''

* Oh, that should never heard to this Eagle eggs. ''[Cody: Eagle? Oh yes, maybe was like to--]'' Shh!

* Joanna! ''[Jake: Let the boy go. Bernard: Leave the boy alone!]'' Did you know... there was a razorback in my truck? Did ya? ''[Joanna nods]'' Did ya?! ''[Joanna shakes her head nervously]'' '''''THERE WAS A RAZORBACK IN MY TRUCK!''''' Now you quit playing around and do your job, you four-legged python!? ''[Bernard: You're McLeach is DIE!]''

* ''[last words to the crocodiles after fending them off]'' I whooped ya! I whooped y'all! You'll think twice before messin' with Percival C. McLeach! ''[laughs maniacally, then Joanna waves and looks]'' Huh, ah! AAAAAAAAAHHH!!! Whoa! NO! ''[look waterfall]'' '''''NOOOOOOOOOO!!''''' ''[waterfalls to death]''

==Jake==
* That's ''enough?'' It's OVER McLeach, I'm not going to hurt bird.

* I will you're boy is a good influence Joanna eggs for crocodiles. Honestly. Sing Cody while playing the guitar. ''[McLeach: What?!]''

==Dialogue==
:'''Miss Bianca''': ''[whilst Wilbur drinks from a can of cream soda]'' We must leave tonight.
:'''Wilbur''': ''[spit takes]'' Tonight?! ''[coughs; laughs]'' Come on. You're kiddin' me, right? ''[laughs; opens his window]'' Have ya looked outside? It's suicide out there! ''[laughs; closes window]'' Oh, no. Ohhhhhhh, no! I'm afraid your jolly little holiday will have to wait. ''[laughs]'' What a bunch of jokers! 
:'''Miss Bianca''': But you don't understand. A boy needs our help. He's in trouble!
:'''Wilbur''': Boy? You mean, &quot;little kid&quot; kinda boy?
:'''Miss Bianca''': He was kidnapped!
:'''Wilbur''': Kidnapped? Oh! That-that's awful! Lockin' up a little kid... Kids should be free! Free to run wild through the house on Saturday mornings, free to have cookies and milk, and get those little white moustaches, you know, the-- Nobody's gonna take a kid's freedom while I'm around! Nobody ain't! Hear me?! 
:'''Bianca''': Does that mean you'll take us?
:'''Wilbur''': Storm or no storm, Albatross Airlines, ''[salutes]'' at your service!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bianca''': Captain, is this a non-stop flight to Australia?
:'''Wilbur''': Well, uh, not exactly no. Uh... I can definitely say no. We're gonna have to make connections with a bigger bird. Non-stop? What do I look like, [[w:Charles Lindbergh|Charles Lindbergh]]?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wilbur''': ''[over radio]'' Mugwump tower! Mugwump tower, this is Albatross 1-3, requesting permission to land, over!
:'''Jake''': Albatross? Let's see. ''[examines size chart of different birds]'' Finch, wren, scrub-bird, lorikeet, freckled duck, galah, kookaburra, parrot, cockatoo, albatro– Alb-albatross?! It's a jumbo! ''[to Wilbur]'' Negative, 1-3! You'll have to turn back! Our runway isn't long enough for a bird your size!
:'''Wilbur''': Not long enough?! Look, pal! I can land this thing on a dime!
:'''Bernard''': Uh, Wilbur, if the runway isn't long enough--
:'''Wilbur''': Listen! You can't let these radar jockeys push you around! Just leave it to me, all right?
:'''Jake''': I say again, mate, our runway is too short!
:'''Wilbur''': And I say again, &quot;mate&quot;, I'm comin' in!
:'''Jake''': Crazy Yank!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jake''': So, um, which way are we taking, uh, Suicide Trail through Nightmare Canyon, or the shortcut at Satan's Ridge?
:'''Bernard''': Suicide Trail?
:'''Jake''': Good choice! More snakes, less quicksand. Then once you cross Bloodworm Creek, you're scot free, that is until, um... Dead Dingo Pass.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''McLeach''': Well, Joanna, what did we get today? A dingo, a fat old razorback, or a nice big... boy? ''[McLeach frowns, turns to look at Joanna and suddenly viciously kicks her]'' JOANNA, YOU BEEN DIGGING HOLES OUT HERE AGAIN?! HUH?! Darn lizard's always trying to bury squirrels out here.
:'''Cody''': Uh-uh. It's a trap, and poaching's ''against the law.''
:'''McLeach''': Trap? Where'd you get an idea like that, boy? I think you've been down in that hole too long. ''[points gun barrel directly at Cody's chest]'' Well, come on, grab a hold. ''[Cody gulps and grabs the gun, and McLeach pulls him out of the hole]'' We'll just get you outta this old lizard-hole, then you can just run on home.
:''[Joanna notices the mouse in Cody's backpack and snarls]''
:'''Cody''': This ''is'' a poacher's trap, and ''you're'' a poacher! ''[Joanna attacks. McLeach screams while he falls into his own pit, his gun going off in the process]'' Let go! Hey, get off me!
:'''McLeach''': ''[climbing out]'' I'm gonna kill her...I'm gonna kill ''that dumb, slimy, egg-suckin' salamander!''
:'''Cody''': Cut it out, get off of me!
:''[McLeach angrily aims his gun at Joanna, until he notices Marahute's feather sticking out of the backpack]''
:'''McLeach''': Hmmmm... Good girl Joanna. Say, where'd you get this pretty feather, boy?
:'''Cody''': It was a present.
:'''McLeach''': Oh, that's real nice. Who gave it to you?
:'''Cody''': It's a...secret.
:'''McLeach''': That's ''no secret,'' boy. You see, I already got the father. ''[performs a throat-slitting gesture with a battered eagle feather]'' Hah, hah, hah! Now you just tell me where mama and those little eggs are.
:'''Cody''': ''[retreats]'' No!
:'''McLeach''': Joanna, sic 'em! ''[Joanna chases Cody to the edge of Crocodile Falls and McLeach stamps on Cody's hand, stopping him from using his knife]'' You're coming with me, boy.
:'''Cody''': My Mom'll call the Rangers!
:'''McLeach''': ''[mockingly]'' Oh no! Not the Rangers, what'll I do? What'll I do?! Don't let your mom call the Rangers, ''please!'' ''[Joanna laughs; McLeach flings Cody's backpack into the water, where the crocodiles attack it]'' &quot;My poor baby boy got eaten by the crocodiles, boo-hoo-hoo!&quot; ''[chuckles, as he grabs Cody]'' Let's go, boy!
:'''Cody''': ''[gets locked in the cage on McLeach's truck]'' Help! Help!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Cody''': ''[Locked in McLeach's truck, throwing traps around]'' Let me out of here! Let me go! You can't do this! ''Help! HELP! HEEEEEELP!!!''
:'''McLeach''': ''[over the speaker]'' Breaker, breaker, little mate! I forgot to tell 'ya, round here, you need to be '''QUIET!''' Or the Rangers might hear. Now sit down and relax and enjoy the view. Nothing but abandoned opal mines, far as the eye can see! And dead ahead, is home sweet home.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''McLeach''': Well, Joanna, it looks like lady luck has finally decided to smile on us. Everything's going our way to these waltz. ''[laughs to himself]''
:'''Cody''': ''[screaming]'' ''You can't do this!'' You're gonna get ''in big trouble!'' I'll tell the Rangers ''where you are! [Joanna opened the window to Cody]''
:'''McLeach''': ''[groans]'' Oops! I almost forgot...we got a loose end tie up, haven't we girl?
:'''Cody''': Don't worry I'm not going hurt bird. Just a golden hawk.
:'''Bernard''': McLeach, you're never tell you! NEVER!
:'''Joanna''': Me either.
:'''Cody''': Shh! I'll call mom.
:'''Jake''': Yeah!
:'''Cody''': ''[singsong]'' Oh doggies!
:'''McLeach''': ''[dog growls and barking]'' What the... Dogs?! ''[Dog bites his legs]'' OUCH! OW, OW, OW, OW, OW!!
:'''Red Kangaroo''': That's good is should honest for Cody anyone you're bird's alive, golden eagle hero.
:'''McLeach''': ''[exclaiming]'' You biting my legs! ''[runs away and screams]''
:''' Bernard''': Cody, I was wondering to fourth grade, you tell my that.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Doctor''': Forceps!
:'''Nurse Mouse''': Forceps!
:'''Wilbur''': Oh no... What now?
:'''Doctor''': Spinal streculator!
:'''Wilbur''': Ohh! That's gonna hurt!
:'''Doctor''': Artery router!
:'''Wilbur''': Mother!
:'''Doctor''': This is rusted tight. I wouldn't dream of using such a tool. Bring me the epidermal tissue disruptor!
:'''Wilbur''': THE EPIDERMAL ''WHAT?!''
:''[The nurses rev up a chainsaw]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Cody is tied up in front of a map, while McLeach is across the room sharpening several knives]''
:'''McLeach''': Let's see if we can't refresh that rusty old memory of yours. Is she ''on Satan's Ridge?!'' ''[throws knife which embeds in map on &quot;Satan's Ridge&quot; and very close to Cody]'' Or ''Nightmare Canyon?!'' ''[throws another knife]'' What do you think, Joanna? ''[Joanna breaks a cracker in half]'' Yeah, that's it. Right smack dab ''in the middle of Croc Falls!'' ''[knife embeds into &quot;Croc Falls&quot; and very close to Cody's head]'' Am I gettin' warm?
:'''Cody''': I told you ''I don't remember!''
:'''McLeach''': ''[walks toward Cody with a knife]'' Don't you realize ''a bird that size'' is worth a ''fortune?!'' ''[stabs knife into map next to Cody and gets nose to nose with him]'' I'll split the money with ya–50-50. You've got no better offer than that, boy!
:'''Cody''': You won't have ''any'' money after the Rangers get through with you!
:'''McLeach''': ''[growls]'' Grrr...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cody''': There must be a way out of here.
:'''Krebbs''': Oh, there's a way out, all right.
:'''Red and Frank''': There is?
:'''Krebbs''': ''[to Red]'' Absolutely! ''You'll'' go as a wallet, ''[to platypus]'' ''you'll'' go as a belt, and our dear Frank...
:'''Frank''': No, no, no! I don't want to hear it!
:'''Krebbs''': Frank will go as...
:'''Frank''': I can't hear you! ''[covers ears while singing nonsense; stops to see if Krebbs is done]''
:'''Krebbs''': A purse.
:'''Frank''': ''[shrieks hysterically]''
:'''Krebbs''': Oh, a lovely lady's purse!
:'''Frank''': I DON'T WANNA GO AS A ''PURSE!'' Please, please don't let him do it!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Krebbs''': Oh, there he goes again...
:'''Red''': Take it easy, mate. You don't wanna hurt yourself again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bianca''': Now, now, Cody. We mustn't lose hope. Bernard is still out there.
:'''Jake''': That's right! If anyone can get us out of this, it's old Berno! ''[under his breath]'' Nice bluff, Miss B.
:'''Bianca''': I wasn't bluffing. You don't know Bernard like I do. He'll never give up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bianca''': Oh, Bernard, you were magnificent! You're absolutely the hero of the day!
:'''Bernard''': Miss Bianca, before anything else happens... ''[drops to one knee and pulls out the ring]'' Will you marry me?
:'''Bianca''': Bernard... Of course I will!
:'''Jake''': ''[thumbs up]'' Well done, mate.

==Countries Release date==
*Togo - December 25, 1990
*Egypt - May 16, 1991
*Turkey - August 31, 1991
*United Arab Emirates - November 22, 1991
*Madagascar - November 17, 1995
*United States - March 7, 2003 (10th Anniversary Edition THX-Certified)
*Thailand - April 4, 2012

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title|0100477}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Rescuers Down Under, The}}
[[Category:1990 films]]
[[Category:1990s American animated films]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated drama films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Sequel films]]
[[Category:Films about mice]]
[[Category:Films directed by Mike Gabriel]]</text>
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    <title>Once Upon a Time (TV series)</title>
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'''''[[w:Once Upon a Time (TV series)|Once Upon a Time]]''''' (2011–18) is an American television show, airing on [[w:American Broadcasting Company|ABC]], about a bail bonds agent who discovers that a town in New England is a remnant of a parallel universe where every classic fairy tale character existed until the Evil Queen cast a curse that stripped them of their memories and their happy endings.

== Season 1 ==
=== ''Pilot'' [1.01] ===
:'''Snow''': ''You''. You found me. 
:'''Charming''': Did you ever doubt I would?
:'''Snow''': Truthfully, the glass coffin gave me pause. 
:'''Charming''': Well, you never have to worry. I will ''always'' find you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Evil Queen''': My gift to you is this ''happy'', happy day. For tomorrow, my real work begins. You've made your vows. Now I make mine. Soon everything you love, everything ''all'' of you love, will be taken from you. Forever. And out of your suffering will rise my victory. I shall destroy your happiness... if it is the last thing I do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Old Woman''': That a good book?
:'''Henry''': ''This''? It's more than just a book.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Snow''': What do you know?
:'''Rumplestiltskin''': The Queen has created a powerful curse... and it's coming. Soon you'll all be in a prison, just like me, only ''worse''. For your prison, all of our prisons, will be time. For time will stop and we will be trapped someplace horrible where everything we hold dear, ''everything'' we love, will be ripped from us while we suffer for all eternity, while the Queen celebrates victorious at last... No more happy endings.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Grumpy''': A ''tree''? Our fate rests on a tree? Let's get back to the fighting thing.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mary Margaret''': As we build our birdhouses, remember what you're making is a home, ''not'' a cage. The bird is free and will do what it will. This is for them, not us. They're loyal creatures. If you love them and they love you, they will always find you.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Emma''': How is a book supposed to help?
:'''Mary Margaret''': What do you think stories are for? These stories? The classics? There's a reason we all know them. They're a way for us to deal with our world. A world that doesn't always make sense.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mary Margaret''': Look, I gave the book to him because I wanted Henry to have the most important thing anyone can have. Hope. Believing in even the possibility of a happy ending is a very powerful thing.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Henry''': You don't have to be hostile. I know you like me, I can tell. You're just... pushing me away because I make you feel guilty. It's okay. I know why you gave me away. You wanted to give me my best chance.
:'''Emma''': How do you know that?
:'''Henry''': The same reason Snow White gave ''you'' away.
:'''Emma''': Listen to me, kid. I am not in any book. I'm a real person. And I'm no savior. You were right about one thing, though... I wanted you to have your best chance. But it's not with me.

=== ''The Thing You Love Most'' [1.02] ===
:'''Henry''': I knew you'd believe me!
:'''Emma''': I never said I did.
:'''Henry''': Why else would you be here?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Emma''': Just tell me something. This fairy-tale obsession. What's causing it? I mean, he thinks everyone is a character in his book. That's crazy.
:'''Archie''': I hope you don't talk that way in front of him. The word ''crazy'' is quite damaging and these stories… they're his language. He has no way to express complex emotions, so he's translating as best he can. This is how he communicates. And he's using this book to help deal with his problems.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Evil Queen''': What must I do to enact this curse?
:'''Rumplestiltskin''': You need to sacrifice a heart.
:'''Evil Queen''': I sacrificed my prize steed.
:'''Rumplestiltskin''': A horse? This is the curse to end all curses. You think a horse is going to do? Great power requires great sacrifice. The heart you need must come from something far more precious.
:'''Evil Queen''': Tell me what will suffice.
:'''Rumplestiltskin''': The heart of the thing you love most.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Evil Queen''': I just want to be happy.
:'''Prince Henry''': You ''can'' be. Of this I'm sure. I believe, given the chance, we can find happiness. ''Together''. But the choice is yours.

=== ''Snow Falls'' [1.03] ===
:'''Charming''': You can't hide from me! Wherever you are, I will find you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Snow''': Aren't you a real Prince Charming?
:'''Charming''': I have a name, you know.
:'''Snow''': Don't care. Charming suits you. Now cut me down, ''Charming''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Charming''': You've got a lot of anger there, don't you, Snow?
:'''Snow''': The charges on her posters are lies. That didn't stop her huntsman from trying to rip out my heart.
:'''Charming''': What happened?
:'''Snow''': Well, not everyone is a soulless royal. He took pity on me and let me go. I've been hiding in the forest ever since, trying to amass a fortune to leave this place, escape to another realm. Somewhere isolated where I can never be hurt.
:'''Charming''': Sounds lonely.
:'''Snow''': No lonelier than an arranged marriage.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Charming''': So what did you do to incur that much wrath?
:'''Snow''': She blames me for ruining her life.
:'''Charming''': Did you?
:'''Snow''': Yes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Henry''': You're the one that woke him up. You're the last one he saw. He wants to find ''you''.
:'''Mary Margaret''': Henry, it's not about me. I just think he's lost and confused. He's been in a coma a long time.
:'''Henry''': But he loves you! You need to stop chasing him and let him find ''you''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charming''': Well... Goodbye, Snow White.
:'''Snow''': Goodbye, Prince Charming.
:'''Charming''': I told you. It's James.
:'''Snow''': Nah. Still like Charming better.

=== ''The Price of Gold'' [1.04] ===
:'''Rumplestiltskin''': All magic comes with a price.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cinderella''': Glass?
:'''Rumplestiltskin''': Every story needs a memorable detail.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emma''': People are going to tell you who you are your whole life, but you've just got to punch back and say, &quot;No, this is who I am.&quot; If you want people to look at you differently, make them. If you want to change things, you are going to have to go out there and change them yourself, because there are no fairy godmothers in this world.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Henry''': You can't make her double-cross Gold. No one's ever broken a deal with him.
:'''Emma''': Happy to be the first. If Ashley wants to have this baby, she should have it. Anyone who wants to be a mother should damn well be allowed to be one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emma''': Henry, about what you said at the hospital... about me being able to leave?
:'''Henry''': Yeah?
:'''Emma''': See you tomorrow.

=== ''That Still Small Voice'' [1.05] ===
:'''Jiminy''': I wish... I wish...
:''[The Blue Fairy suddenly appears before him]''
:'''Blue Fairy''': I hear your wish. You don't need to wish it so loudly.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Henry''': Now it's harder for you, because of the curse, to care for the voice inside of you... To be who you wanna be.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Regina''': Don't test me.
:'''Archie''': I don't need to. Because you're gonna leave me alone and let me do my work in peace.
:'''Regina''': Really? Why is that?
:'''Archie''': Because someday, Madam Mayor, you may find yourself in a custody battle. And do you know how the court determines who is a fit parent? They consult an ''expert''. Particularly, one who has treated the child. So, I suggest that you think about that... and you allow me to do my work. And let me do it the way my conscience tells me to.

=== ''The Shepherd'' [1.06] ===
:'''Charming''': I don't have a choice, do I?
:'''Rumplestiltskin''': Everyone has a choice, dearie. Just make sure it's the right one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Whale''': Rough day?
:'''Mary Margaret''': I don't feel like talking.
:'''Dr. Whale''': Come on. Sometimes it's easier to talk to someone when you don't give a crap what they think.
:'''Mary Margaret''': You ever walk into a situation where you know ''exactly'' what's going to happen, and then you go into it anyway and then when what you're afraid of happens, you kick yourself because you should have known better. But that's just who you are... so you keep punishing yourself.

=== ''The Heart is a Lonely Hunter'' [1.07] ===
:'''Sidney''': ''[while watching Graham throw darts]'' Nice shot, Chief. I bet you twenty bucks you can't do it again.
:''[Graham takes a sip from the drink Ruby offers him and throws a dart, which hits the target and the deer's face]''
:'''Graham''': ''[to Ruby]'' Next round's on him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Queen''': I always felt there were two kinds of people. Wolves and sheep. Those who kill, and those who get killed. And you, Huntsman... you are most certainly a wolf.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Graham''': I don't feel anything, Regina...I'd rather have nothing than settle for less. Nothing is better than what we have. I need to feel something, Regina, and the only way to do that is to give myself a chance.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emma''': Did you ever stop to think that maybe the problem isn't with me, but with you?
:'''Regina''': Excuse me?
:'''Emma''': Henry came and found ''me''. Graham kissed ''me''. Both were miserable. Maybe, Madam Mayor, you need to take a good hard look in the mirror and ask yourself why that is. Why is everyone running away from you?

=== ''Desperate Souls'' [1.08] ===
:'''Mr. Gold''': Two people with a common goal can do many things. Two people with a common enemy can do even more.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emma''': This is a juvie record! It was sealed by court order. I don't know how you got it, but that's abuse of power ''and'' illegal!
:'''Regina''': Oh, I'm sorry you didn't want people to know you cut his cord with a shiv?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emma''': I want to show him that good can actually win.
:'''Mary Margaret''': That's why you want to win it for him, but why do you want to win the election for yourself?
:'''Emma''': That is why. I want to show him that a hero can win, and if I'm not a hero and I'm not the savior, then what part do I have in his life?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zoso''': My life was such a burden. You'll see. Magic always comes with a price. And now, it's yours to pay.
:'''Rumplestiltskin''': Why me? Why me?
:'''Zoso''': I know how to recognize a desperate soul.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emma''': ''[after learning Mr. Gold planned everything that transpired during the election]'' Why did you do this?
:'''Mr. Gold''': We made a deal sometime back, Miss Swan. We established that you owed me a favor. I know that can be a bad feeling. Owing someone. Now that you're sheriff, I'm sure we'll find some way for you to pay back what you owe me.

=== ''True North'' [1.09] ===
:'''Emma''': I know it's a lot. Believe me, I know. A month ago a kid shows up on my doorstep, a kid I gave up for adoption, asking for help with something. I end up moving here, ''for him''.
:'''Michael Tillman''': I heard about that. It's the mayor's son. Staying in town. That's a lot different than taking him in.
:'''Emma''': I don't have my kid because I don't have a ''choice''. You do. Those kids did not ask to be brought into this world. ''You'' brought them into this world. You and their mother and they ''need you''. If you choose not to take them, you are going to have to answer for that ''every day'' of your life. And sooner or later, when they find you, and believe me they ''will'' find you, you're going to have to answer to them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Queen''': I offered your children everything, whatever their hearts desired, and they still chose uncertainty because of their blind faith in you. Tell me why. Why did your children refuse me?
:'''Woodcutter''': Because we're a family, and family ''always'' finds one another.

=== ''7:15 A.M.'' [1.10] ===
:'''Mary Margaret''': He comes here every morning at 7:15 A.M. to get coffee.
:'''Emma''': For him and his wife.
:'''Mary Margaret''': I know, I know, I know. I just like to come here to see him.
:'''Emma''': So you're a stalker.
:'''Mary Margaret''': No, not really. Maybe a little bit. I mean, it's not like I'm following him. I just know that he spends his mornings with Kathryn, gets coffee, drives to the animal shelter to start work at 7:30 and then he's home by 5:00.
:'''Emma''': Oh... Is that all?
:'''Mary Margaret''': Thursdays, they pick up Chinese for dinner.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rumplestiltskin''': How much for this?
:'''Snow''': Excuse me?
:'''Rumplestiltskin''': Your boat. Exquisite craftsmanship.
:'''Snow''': It's not for sale.
:'''Rumplestiltskin''': Of course it is, dearie! No one comes to see me without a deal in mind.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King George''': You're going to sneak in and tell him you received his letter. You're going to tell him why you're here, because you don't love him. It'll break his heart, and that'll cure him.
:'''Snow''': Or you'll kill me.
:'''King George''': Oh, no. I'll kill ''him''. Killing you would just make him love you more, and the marriage and the kingdom would ultimately crumble. But if ''he'' were to die at an assassin's hand, he would die a martyr. Midas will forgive, even laud, the death, and the merger would be complete.
:'''Snow''': You would do that to your own son?
:'''King George''': He is ''not'' my son.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Snow''': You above all people should understand. You've lost love. What if the pain could be erased?
:'''Grumpy''': I don't want my pain erased. As wretched as it is, I need my pain. It makes me who I am. It makes me Grumpy. Look around, Snow. You're not alone anymore. I promise you that's all the cure you need. If the pain is too much, you can always drink it, but for today... put it away.

=== ''Fruit of the Poisonous Tree'' [1.11] ===
:'''Sidney''': Sometimes doing a bad thing for a good reason is OK, right?
:'''Mary Margaret''': Yeah. I mean, maybe you're doing something wrong, but... If it's what's meant to be, if it's what's right, does that really make you a bad person?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Genie''': In my time, I have granted 1,001 wishes. And I have seen them end poorly 1,001 times. Making a wish comes with a price. And that is why I will ''never'' use this wish.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Queen''': ''[reflecting on how King Leopold still loves his first wife]'' I'm trapped by the memory of the life they used to share.
:'''Genie''': I know about being trapped more than anyone. Maybe this will lift your spirits. ''[pulls out a hand mirror]'' So you can see yourself the way I see you.
:'''Evil Queen''': And how do you see me?
:'''Genie''': As the fairest in all the land.

=== ''Skin Deep'' [1.12] ===
:'''Belle''': You're a coward, Rumplestiltskin. And no matter how thick you make your skin, that doesn't change.
:'''Rumplestiltskin''': I'm not a coward, dearie. It's quite simple, really... my power means more to me than you.
:'''Belle''': No. No, it doesn't. You just don't think I can love you. Now you've made your choice. And you're going to regret it. Forever. And all you have... is an empty heart. And a chipped cup.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Gold''': Don't let these bars fool you. I'm the only one with the power around here. I'm going to be out of here in no time, and nothing between us will change.
:'''Regina''': We shall see.

=== ''What Happened to Frederick'' [1.13] ===
:'''Mary Margaret''': I know it's hard, but we have to tell her the truth about everything. About us.
:'''David''': I don't know if I can.
:'''Mary Margaret''': But you have to. If we can't be honest with other people, how can we be honest with each other?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emma''': Covering your tracks isn't exactly your strong suit.
:'''Mary Margaret''': I've been discreet!
:'''Emma''': Two teacups in the sink, perfume, late nights, plunging necklines... It wasn't hard to connect the dots.
:'''Mary Margaret''': Plunging?
:'''Emma''': When I met you, you were a top button kind of girl.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charming''': No, this is not real love. I've felt it and this isn't it. I know the difference.
:'''Siren''': Congratulations, Prince Charming. You're the first.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Abigail''': How will you know where to find her?
:'''Charming''': A little bird helped me track her down once. Hopefully, it can again.

=== ''Dreamy'' [1.14] ===
:'''Bossy''': The ax never lies, Dreamy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emma''': So, what the hell is Miner's Day and why are you beating yourself up over it?
:'''Mary Margaret''': It's an annual holiday celebrating an old tradition. The nuns used to make candles and trade them to the miners for coal.
:'''Emma''': Coal? In Maine? If they were mining for lobster, I'd understand.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Belle''': You're in love.
:'''Bossy''': That's impossible. Dwarves can't fall in love.
:'''Belle''': Trust me. I know love, and you're in it.
:'''Dreamy''': What's it like?
:'''Belle''': It's the most wonderful and amazing thing in the world. Love is hope. It fuels our dreams, and if you're in it, you need to enjoy it because love doesn't always last forever.

=== ''Red-Handed'' [1.15] ===
:'''Granny''': You dress like a drag queen during Fleet Week.
:'''Ruby''': And you dress like Norman Bates when he dresses like Norman Bates's mother.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Granny''': You ever see a wild animal just turn its back and walk away like you don't matter? If this wolf is like that one, there is no defeating it. It's already won. Just by existing in our world. You don't kill it. You just hide.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Snow''': So, your Granny's kind of intense.
:'''Red Riding Hood''': Yeah, a little. I feel like a rat in a trap.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emma''': There's a whole lot of Maine to search, Regina.
:'''Regina''': Well, you covered this room. I suggest you branch out.

=== ''Heart of Darkness'' [1.16] ===
:'''Mary Margaret''': I can't pay you.
:'''Mr. Gold''': I didn't ask for money.
:'''Mary Margaret''': Then why are you doing this?
:'''Mr. Gold''': Let's just say, I'm invested in your future.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grumpy''': The potion you gave Snow. It changed her. She's not the same!
:'''Rumplestiltskin''': Well of course it changed her. It took away her love, left a big hole in her heart. There is no cure for what she's got. The person she was? There's no way to bring her back. No potion can bring back true love. Love is the most powerful magic of all. The only magic I haven't been able to bottle. If you can bottle love, you can do anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Snow''': ''[after Charming thwarts her assassination attempt]'' What are you doing? Why would you do this?!
:'''Charming''': Well, because you said you appreciate action more than words. So now you're going to get both. I love you, Snow.
:'''Snow''': But I don't love you. I don't even remember you!
:'''Charming''': Well I don't care. The only thing I care about is you don't forget who you really are. I would rather die than let you fill your heart with darkness.

=== ''Hat Trick'' [1.17] ===
:'''Jefferson''': When you were in high school, did you learn about the Civil War?
:'''Emma''': Yeah. Of course.
:'''Jefferson''': How? Did you read about it, perchance, in a book? How is that any different, any less real, than any other book?
:'''Emma''': History books are based on ''history''.
:'''Jefferson''': And storybooks are based on what? Imagination. Where does that come from? It has to come from somewhere. You know what the issue is with this world? Everyone wants some magical solution for their problem and everyone refuses to believe in magic. ''[points at the hat]'' Now get it to work. 
:'''Emma''': Here's the thing, Jefferson. ''This'' is it. ''This'' is the real world.
:'''Jefferson''': ''A'' real world. How arrogant are you to think yours is the only one? There are infinite more. You have to open your mind. They touch one another, pressing up in a long line of lands, each just as real as the last. All have theier own rules; some have magic, some don't, and some ''need'' magic. 

=== ''The Stable Boy'' [1.18] ===
:'''Regina''': The murder weapon was found in your apartment. Your fingerprint was on the box containing Kathryn's heart. Shall I go on? Why not, for once, make it easier on everyone? Because confession or not, you're leaving Storybrooke.
:'''Mary Margaret''': And you would like that. Why? Why do you take such pleasure in this? What did I ever do to you to make you hate me so much?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daniel''': Life with a stable boy is a far cry from being a Queen.
:'''Regina''': Being a Queen is nothing. Daniel, all I care about is you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Henry''': The eagle is in the nest and the package is secure.
:'''Emma''': I left the code book at home, Henry.
:'''Henry''': She's getting in the shower and the keys are under the mat.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cora''': You don't know what you want. But ''I'' do. I didn't make the sacrifices I did in life to get you to the cusp of greatness so that you could end up the wife of a stable boy.

=== ''The Return'' [1.19] ===
:'''Regina''': You broke our deal.
:'''Mr. Gold''': I broke one deal in my life, dear, and it certainly wasn't this one.
:'''Regina''': Kathryn was supposed to die and Mary Margaret was to get the blame! 
:'''Mr. Gold''': Yeah, but murder seems so much worse here, though doesn't it? You can't just turn someone into a snail and then step on them, can you? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''David''': Kathryn, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I lied to you. I'm sorry I cheated on you. I'm just so sorry for all of this.
:'''Kathryn''': David, it's okay. What we had, it wasn't it for you. Maybe for both of us. I can't blame you for just being the first one to see it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emma''': I know you are behind all this. I understand you own the game and that you set the board so that no one else can win, but I'm about to start playing an entirely different game. I don't care about what happens to you. I don't care what happens to me. All I care about is what happens to my kid, and you are going to leave him alone.
:'''Regina''': Am I?
:'''Emma''': Uh-uh. I'm talking. You're a sociopath, lady. You tried to take away someone that I love. And now I'm going to take away someone you love. I am taking back my son.

=== ''The Stranger'' [1.20] ===
:'''Mary Margaret''': Even if you can't admit what you did, I forgive you anyway. Your life must be filled with such incredible loneliness that your only joy comes from destroying everyone else's happiness. It's so sad, Mayor Mills, because despite what you think, it won't make you happy. It's only going to leave a giant hole in your heart.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Regina''': Those fairytales are not real. Miss Blanchard should never have given you that book. She should be grateful I'm not trying to get her fired.
:'''Henry''': Go ahead and try. It won't work. No matter what you do, Snow White ''will'' have her happy ending. She and Prince Charming ''will'' be together. The curse ''will'' end. Good. Will. Win.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emma''': I thought this trip was supposed to be about you.
:'''August''': It is. This is my story... and it's your story.

=== ''An Apple Red as Blood'' [1.21] ===
:'''King George''': I would have given you everything: the crown, the kingdom. All you had to do was marry King Midas' daughter, but you decided to follow true love.
:'''Charming''': Losing my life for love? That is a sacrifice I am ''happy'' to make.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mary Margaret''': What the hell is wrong with you?
:'''Emma''': I want what's best for him!
:'''Mary Margaret''': And running is what's best for him? Or is that what's best for you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Snow''': Is this always going to be our life? Taking turns finding each other.
:'''Charming''': We'll be together. I know it. Have faith.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Snow''': I take that apple and he lives? That's the deal you want to make?
:'''Evil Queen''': With all my heart.
:'''Snow''': Then congratulations. You've won.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emma''': Henry, what are you doing?
:'''Henry''': I'm sorry it had to come to this. You may not believe in the curse, or in me, but I believe in you. 
:''[Henry takes a bite of the apple turnover and stares at Emma]''
:'''Emma''': You see? You want to have some ice cream and then we can go back to talking about... ''[watches Henry collapse, then whispers]'' Henry? ''[shouts]'' Henry! Henry!

=== ''A Land Without Magic'' [1.22] ===
:'''Emma''': I was leaving town. Why couldn't you just leave it alone?
:'''Regina''': Because as long as you're alive, Henry will ''never'' be mine!
:'''Emma''': He will never be anyone's unless you fix this. You wake him up!
:'''Regina''': I can't!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Gold''': Do my eyes deceive me or is that the look of a believer?
:'''Emma''': We need your help.
:'''Mr. Gold''': Indeed you do. It seems quite the tragic ailment has befallen our young friend. ''[turns to Regina]'' I told you magic comes with a price.
:'''Regina''': Henry shouldn't have to pay it.
:'''Mr. Gold''': No, you should, but alas, we are where we are.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emma''': What's happening to you?
:'''August''': You can see it now. You believe.
:'''Emma''': Yeah. I do. But how do I stop this?
:'''August''': Break the curse.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Snow''': How did you do it?
:'''Charming''': With this. ''[holds up his mother's ring]'' It's my mother's ring. It... led me back to you. And now... I never want it off your finger. ''[gets down on one knee]'' Will you marry me?
:'''Snow''': What do you think? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Belle''': I-I don't understand...
:'''Mr. Gold''': We're in a Land Without Magic, Belle. And I'm bringing it. Magic... is coming.
:'''Belle''': Why?
:'''Mr. Gold''': Why? Because magic is power.

== Season 2 ==
=== ''Broken'' [2.01] ===
:'''Mr. Gold''': What can I do for you?
:'''Emma''': What you can do is tell us what you did.
:'''Mr. Gold''': I'm sorry, you're gonna have to be more specific.
:'''David''': You know damned well what we're talking about.
:'''Mary Margaret''': You double-crossed Emma, you took your potion from her...
:'''David''': And did who knows what to this town.
:'''Emma''': And worst of all, you risked Henry's life.
:'''Mr. Gold''': Well, that is quite a list of grievances, now isn't it?
:'''Emma''': Maybe I don't need answers. Maybe I just need to punch you in the face.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phillip''': I'm going to go collect some wood to build a fire. I'll be back in five minutes. 
:''[Philip kisses Aurora. She pulls away and smiles]''
:'''Aurora''': This is a &quot;see you in five minutes&quot; kiss?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mulan''': That thing out there is dangerous. And Philip... he left to protect you. So even if I don't believe in his methods, I'm going to honor his wishes. I'm going to keep you safe.
:'''Aurora''': I never asked him to.
:'''Mulan''': You never had to. Everything he does, he does for you. And now he's going to die for you. Love is sacrifice. Something ''you'' clearly don't understand.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''David''': Don't worry. Emma and Mary Margaret, they're alive.
:'''Henry''': How do you know?
:'''David''': I have faith.
:'''Henry''': But...
:'''David''': Henry, come here. I will find them. I will ''always'' find them.

=== ''We Are Both'' [2.02] ===
:'''Regina''': You know what? Maybe you should be less concerned about hats and more concerned about taking care of my son.
:'''David''': Oh, because you took ''such'' good care of him.
:'''Regina''': I will not listen to childcare lectures from a man who put his daughter in ''a box'' and shipped her to Maine.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Henry''': You ruined lives! You sent away Mary Margaret and Emma.
:'''Regina''': That was an accident.
:'''Henry''': The way you treated me wasn't an accident. You made it so no one believed me. You made me feel like I was crazy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''David''': David, Storybrooke David, was – ''is'' – weak, confused, and he hurt the woman I love. I wouldn't give up being Charming just to be him... but you know what? I wouldn't make the other trade either. Because that David reminds me not only of whom I lost, but of who I want to be. My weaknesses and my strengths, David and the prince. I am both. Just like you. ''You'' are both. The town is both. ''We'' are both.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''David''': The Enchanted Forest. Our land. Does it still exist?
:'''Regina''': Yes. But I have no idea how to get back there. I can see I just launched you on a heroic quest. Just make sure that you also take care of my son.
:'''David''': ''That'' I can do.

=== ''Lady of the Lake'' [2.03] ===
:'''Mulan''': Have you ever seen an ogre?
:'''Emma''': I'm pretty sure I've dated a few.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Red Riding Hood''': We have to move camp. They're coming for us.
:'''Charming''': No! We will not run! We said we were gonna take the kingdom back and we can't do that with our tails between our legs... No offense.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lancelot''': Leaving is unwise. The Enchanted Forest is not as you remember it. The ogres have returned.
:'''Emma''': Ogres? Like, as in &quot;Fee-fi-fo-fum&quot;?
:'''Mary Margaret''': Those would be giants.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mary Margaret''': ''[seeing the ruins of Emma's nursery]'' I was going to teach you how to walk in here. How to talk. How to dress for your first ball. You never got to do any of it. We never got to be a family.

=== ''The Crocodile'' [2.04] ===
:'''Hook''': Now, what are you doing aboard my ship?
:'''Rumplestiltskin''': You have my wife.
:'''Hook''': Well, I've had many a man's wife.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Gold''': Can I ask you a question? A-about you and Mary Margaret. H-how... How does that work?
:'''David''': Are you asking dating advice?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hook''': What's our port of destination?
:'''Cora''': Storybrooke.
:'''Hook''': Curious name. Is that where...?
:'''Cora''': She is. And so is he.
:'''Hook''': Excellent. You'll be able to see your daughter. And ''I'' can skin myself a crocodile.

=== ''The Doctor'' [2.05] ===
:'''Regina''': You're the wizard?
:'''Victor''': I prefer &quot;doctor.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Whale''': ''[after David punches him in the face]'' What the hell was that for?
:'''David''': Sleeping with my wife.
:'''Dr. Whale''': Kathryn?
:'''David''': Snow. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igor''': ''[after watching Victor resurrect his brother]'' It's magic, Dr. Frankenstein.
:'''Victor''': No. Not magic. Science.

=== ''Tallahassee'' [2.06] ===
:'''Neal''': I might be a pervert, but you're definitely a car thief.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Emma''': Don't you have a family?
:'''The Giant''': No! Because humans killed them all.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''August''': Think of me as Emma's guardian angel.
:'''Neal''': Guardian angel? I'd say you've been doing a pretty crap job.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Henry''': ''[telling David about his nightmare]'' I wa- I was in this room. And... and it was red. And there was no doors, no windows. And these curtains... And they were on fire. And... I was in this corner. And... and, and, and I was looking up. And there was someone else there. She was staring at me through the flames. Th-then I woke up, and...
:'''David''': Hey. Don't worry, all right? It was just a bad dream.

=== ''Child of the Moon'' [2.07] ===
:'''Anita''': I know how to recognize a Child of the Moon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Belle''': You have wolf hearing too?
:'''Granny''': It's not all it's cracked up to be. Especially when you run a hotel.

=== ''Into the Deep'' [2.08] ===
:'''David''': You sure you're OK to do this, kid?
:'''Henry''': I was born to do this. I'm done reading about heroes. I wanna be one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mulan''': I vowed to Prince Phillip to protect you, not to help some strangers find a portal to another land.
:'''Aurora''': Mulan, I was cursed to spend eternity in that horrible sleep. And the only reason I'm here is because you and Phillip risked your lives to save me. Every day since my waking has been a gift, so let me do something with it. It's my turn to help someone else.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cora''': ''[after learning Hook failed to acquire the compass]'' Who was it who bested you?
:'''Hook''': The Swan girl. Emma. Rest assured it won't happen again.
:'''Cora''': No, it won't. You chose her... and the consequences of that decision.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Henry''': Smells funny.
:'''Regina''': I know, sweetheart. It's a curse. It's not meant to be pleasant.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emma''': You really think we're gonna make it back?
:'''Mary Margaret''': If there's one thing your father's taught me, it's not to give up.

=== ''Queen of Hearts'' [2.09] ===
:'''Cora''': I'm the Queen of Hearts, do you really think I'd be so careless as to keep my heart where everyone else does?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emma''': Your mom. She's a piece of work, you know?
:'''Regina''': Indeed I do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''David''': You did it.
:'''Mary Margaret''': Did you ever doubt I would?
:'''David''': No. ''[kisses her]'' Though the burning red room did give me pause.

=== ''The Cricket Game'' [2.10] ===
:'''Evil Queen''': ''[speaking before her execution]'' I know I'm being judged for my past, a past where I've caused pain, a past where I've inflicted misery, a past where I've even brought death. When I look back at everything I've done, I want you all to know what I feel, and that is regret... regret that I was not able to cause more pain, inflict more misery, and bring about more death. And above all else, with every ounce of my being, I regret that I was not able to kill Snow White!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Regina''': Doctor? ''Doctor''?! Need I remind you got your PhD from a curse?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cora''': It may take some work, but this cricket ''will'' chirp.

=== ''The Outsider'' [2.11] ===
:'''Hook''': I've always wanted to dissect a cricket.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emma''': You plotting your escape from [[The Shawshank Redemption|Shawshank]], kid?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leroy''': There's a whole world full of people beyond the town line that don't know who, or ''what'', we are. Ever think of what might happen if one of them were to come pay us a visit?

=== ''In The Name Of the Brother'' [2.12] ===
:'''Emma''': You hurt Belle.
:'''Hook''': I hurt his heart. Belle's just where he keeps it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ruby''': Regina thought she was punishing us by erasing who we were, but I think she underestimated how much crap we wanted to forget.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Victor''': I will bring you back, my brother. I promise.

=== ''Tiny'' [2.13] ===
:'''Anton''': It's Anton.
:'''Abraham''': But you're just so damn tiny, Tiny

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Leroy''': So you got a twin brother whose name is James? But your name is James!
:'''David''': Actually, it's not.
:'''Leroy''': Charming, then?
:'''Mary Margaret''': No, that's the nickname I gave him.
:'''Leroy''': So what the hell is your name?
:'''David''': David!
:'''Leroy''': Your cursed name?
:'''David''': My real name!
:'''Leroy''': What, you're David, James ''and'' Charming, and David's like a middle name?
:'''David''': No, it's my ''name'' name!
:'''Leroy''': You know what? I'll call you whatever I damn well please! Is that okay?
:'''David''': Sure, Leroy!

=== ''Manhattan'' [2.14] ===
:'''Rumplestiltskin''': You know, I've lived under the shadow of my father's actions for far too long now.
:'''Milah''': Just because your father was a coward doesn't mean you are.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Henry''': Why are you so nervous? When I found my mom, I was excited.
:'''Mr. Gold''': Because I have the benefit of a little more... life experience. I know that things don't always happen the way we want them to.
:'''Henry''': Sure. But in my book, it says that you can see the future. Why can't you just look and see what's going to happen?
:'''Mr. Gold''': Well, that ability is complicated. I didn't always have it. And then when I did, well … it's maybe not the gift one would expect. Seeing the inevitable can be a terrible price.
:'''Henry''': But you wouldn't have to worry about stuff. You'd just know.
:'''Mr. Gold''': But that's the great trap. The future is like a puzzle. With missing pieces. Difficult to read. And never, ''never'' what you think.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Emma''': Are you telling me that us meeting was a coincidence? How the hell did that happen if it wasn't in your plan or your father's?!
:'''Neal''': Think about it. He wanted you to break the curse. Us meeting... That could've stopped it. Maybe it was fate.
:'''Emma''': You believe in that?
:'''Neal''': You know, there's not a ton I remember about my father that doesn't suck. But he used to tell me that there are no coincidences. Everything that happens happens by design... and there's ''nothing'' we can do about it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Seer''': ''[after Rumplestiltskin takes her powers]'' As gratitude, I offer you one piece of the puzzle. You ''will'' be reunited with your son. And it will come in a most unexpected way.
:'''Rumplestiltskin''': How?
:'''The Seer''': A boy. A young boy will lead you to him. But beware, Rumplestiltskin, for that boy is more than he appears. He will lead you to what you seek. But there will be a price. The boy... will be your undoing.
:''[The Seer collapses and dies]''
:'''Rumplestiltskin''': Then I'll just have to kill him.

=== ''The Queen Is Dead'' [2.15] ===
:'''Mary Margaret''': Listening to your mother is a mistake, Regina.
:'''Regina''': Because listening to you'll work out so much better!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Emma''': You're dying. And right now, we are your best hope. Time's come for you to start trusting someone. And if I were you, I'd start with family.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Young Snow White''': Please don't leave me.
:'''Queen Eva''': As long as you hold the spirit of goodness in your heart, I shall ''never'' leave you.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cora''': ''[speaking to Queen Eva's corpse]'' You raised her well. My daughter doesn't love me the way yours does you. Snow would've been a great ruler someday, but that'll never happen because ''my'' daughter will be queen. And all yours will be left with is knowing how I've felt... how it feels to be the miller's daughter. I'll turn Snow White's heart black as coal. That candle won't be her final test. And once I've darkened her soul, it won't just be you I've destroyed. It'll be your legacy.

=== ''The Miller's Daughter'' [2.16] ===
:'''King Xavier''': You're just a miller's daughter.
:'''Cora''': I am so much more.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Emma''': I can't cast a spell. I can ''spell'' &quot;spell.&quot;
:'''Mr. Gold''': You ''can''. It's in you.
:'''Emma''': Well, how? Here? Like from my brain?
:'''Mr. Gold''': Just try. ''[Emma starts to concentrate her thoughts]'' Stop thinking! Conjuring magic is not an intellectual endeavor. It's emotion. You must ask yourself: &quot;Why am I doing this? Who am I protecting?&quot; ''Feel'' it. ''[Emma has a visionary experience and successfully casts a protection spell]'' Oh, yeah, you feel it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Belle''': Mr. Gold. I told you before... I don't remember you.
:'''Mr. Gold''': I know, I know. It's just… Sweetheart, I'm… I'm dying.
:'''Belle''': Oh. I'm … I'm so sorry.
:'''Mr. Gold''': I know that your confused about who you are. Now I'm going to tell you. You are a hero who helped her people. You are a beautiful woman who loved an ugly man. Really, ''really'' loved me. You find goodness in others, and, when it's not there, you create it. You make me want to go back. Back to the best version of me. And that never happened before. So when you look in the mirror and you don't know who you are, ''that's'' who you are.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cora''': ''[after Regina returns her now-cursed heart into her chest]'' ''This'' would have been enough. You... you would have been enough.

=== ''Welcome to Storybrooke'' [2.17] ===
:'''Kurt Flynn''': Who are you? What is this place?
:'''Sheriff Graham''': Name's Graham. I'm the sheriff. Welcome to Storybrooke.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mary Margaret''': How do you do it?
:'''Mr. Gold''': Do what?
:'''Mary Margaret''': Live with yourself, knowing all the bad things you've done?
:'''Mr. Gold''': Well, you tell yourself you did the right thing. And, if you say it often enough, one day you might actually believe it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mr. Gold''': Cora is a very dangerous women because she doesn't have a heart. Regina is even more dangerous because she ''does''.

=== ''Selfless, Brave and True'' [2.18] ===
:'''Emma''': What are you thinking?
:'''Neal''': What do you mean?
:'''Emma''': I mean, what are you going to tell her when she sees a giant or a werewolf run past her down Main Street? Between Greg Mendell, our food-obsessed tourist, and now your fiancee...this town is turning into a theme-park!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Dragon''': What I create is not from this world. Because the people who need my help suffer from afflictions that science cannot treat. People like the man you stole that from.
:'''Tamara''': I didn't steal ''anything''. I paid for what's in this bottle. But, now that I have it, I can't risk anyone else finding you. ''[turns to face him, a taser in her hands]'' It was nice meeting you.
:'''The Dragon''': You haven't met me. At least not the ''real'' me.

=== ''Lacey'' [2.19] ===
:'''Mr. Gold''': Brown hair. Beautiful blue eyes. An accent you wouldn't soon forget. Her name is Belle.
:'''Bartender''': Belle? Are... are you sure? 'Cause that sounds an awful hell like Lacey.
:'''Mr. Gold''': Who the hell is Lacey?

=== ''The Evil Queen'' [2.20] ===
:'''Evil Queen''': When she is gone, when Snow is dead, then they will see my kindness.
:'''Rumplestiltskin''': Yes, through the charred remains of their homes. I'm sure ''that'' will be perfectly clear.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Evil Queen''': The Queen is dead. Long live the Evil Queen.

=== ''Second Star to the Right'' [2.21] ===
:'''Wendy Darling''': He's coming back tonight to take one of my brothers in my place. You said magic was bad, and you were right, Bae. It's going to destroy my family.

=== ''And Straight On 'Til Morning'' [2.22] ===
:'''Greg Mendell''': We came here to destroy magic, Henry, but then we found something more important. Something that changed everything. ''You''.

== Season 3 ==
=== ''The Heart of the Truest Believer'' [3.01] ===
:'''Henry''': Why did you bring me here?
:'''Peter Pan''': For quite some time, I've sought something extremely important. Something more elusive than the greatest of all mysteries.
:'''Henry''': What? 
:'''Peter Pan''': The heart of the truest believer. And when you took that pixie dust, Henry, and jumped off that cliff, you proved yourself. You are the lucky owner of that very special heart. And now you, and it, are mine.

=== ''Lost Girl'' [3.02] ===
:'''Emma Swan''': Where's Henry?
:'''Peter Pan''': You've got fire. I like fire.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hook''': Tell me something, luv. In these stories, what was I like? Other than a villain. Handsome, I gather.
:'''Emma Swan''': If waxed mustaches and perms are your thing.
:'''Hook''': I take it that perms are bad?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emma''': That look in his eyes, the despair, I had it. Back when I was in the foster system. Just a lost little girl who didn't matter. Who didn't think she ever would. A little girl who cried herself to sleep every night 'cause she wanted her parents so bad and could never understand why they gave her up.
:'''Mary Margaret''': And then you found us. And it was too late.
:'''Emma''': It's just on this island, I... I don't feel like a hero or a savior. I just feel like what I've always been. An orphan.

=== ''Quite a Common Fairy'' [3.03] ===
:'''Blue Fairy''': Green, this is not a woman you can help. She is surrounded by darkness.
:'''Tinker Bell''': Sounds to me like she's exactly someone who could use help. Maybe if you let me have some pixie dust...
:'''Blue Fairy''': Not a chance. You fly away from this one, Green.
:'''Tinker Bell''': My name isn't &quot;Green.&quot; It's Tinker Bell. And I can't believe you want me to ignore someone who needs help. It's not very fairy-like.

=== ''Nasty Habits'' [3.04] ===
:'''Mr. Gold''': Self-preservation has been a nasty habit I've had my whole life.

=== ''Good Form'' [3.05] ===
:'''David''': I had a brother too, you know. A twin. He died before I ever met him.
:'''Hook''': There were two of you? I can barely stomach one.
:'''David''': Well, you would have liked him. He was a thief and a liar.
:'''Hook''': Yeah, you would have liked my brother. He could be a stubborn ass.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Pan''': What, you think that kiss actually meant something?
:'''Hook''': I do. I think it means she's finally starting to see me for the man I am.
:'''Pan''': What? A one-handed pirate with a drinking problem? I'm no grown-up, but I'm pretty sure that's less than appealing.

=== ''Ariel'' [3.06] ===
:'''Snow White''': ''[after Ariel saves her from drowning]'' Thank you.
:'''Ariel''': No problem. You might wanna try diving in calmer waters next time. 
:''[Snow White looks down at the water and notices Ariel has a tail]''
:'''Snow White''': You're a...
:'''Ariel''': Yeah. I'm a mermaid. Name's Ariel.

=== ''Dark Hollow'' [3.07] ===
:'''Hook''': What's our next stop on this mission?
:'''Neal Cassidy''': Dark Hollow.
:'''Emma Swan''': Really? Why couldn't it be called something like Sunshine Valley or Rainbow Cove?

=== ''Think Lovely Thoughts'' [3.08] ===
:'''Malcolm''': When I was a boy, my father sold me to a blacksmith. All day in front of hot coals, the sweat and the grime. But every night I would say to myself: &quot;Think lovely thoughts!&quot; And in my sleep, I would travel to the most wonderful place.
:'''Young Rumplestiltskin''': What was it called?
:'''Malcolm''': Neverland

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Henry''': I know all magic comes with a price. Saving magic must come with a price too.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Regina''': You better come through, Gold, or I'll make whatever Pan has planned for you look like child's play. You understand me?
:'''Mr. Gold''': Well, a simple &quot;good luck&quot; would have sufficed.

=== ''Save Henry'' [3.09]===
:'''Adoption Agent''': I've never heard of Storybrooke.
:'''Regina''': It's a hidden gem. Peaceful. Perfect for children. It's like a fairy tale. You should come visit sometime. 
:'''Adoption Agent''': I get two weeks off a year, and all due with respect, Sandals has an inclusive buffet. You got that in Storybrooke?
:'''Regina''': I'm afraid not.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Peter Pan''': Last words from the Queen? Perhaps a deathbed confession from the one who has the most to regret of all?
:'''Regina''': Yeah, there's one problem with that. I did cast a curse that devastated an entire population. I have tortured and murdered. I've done some terrible things. I should be overflowing with regret... but I'm ''not''. Because it got me my son.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Regina''': ''[talking to an infant Henry as she prepares a memory potion]'' It's all right. If the Queen drinks the potion, she won't forget her child. She'll only forget her worries. Her troubles. Her fears. And with those gone, she and her prince can indeed finally live happily ever after.

=== ''The New Neverland'' [3.10]===
:'''Snow White''': ''[after telling David she was using their honeymoon as a cover to find Medusa]'' You aren't mad, are you?
:'''Prince Charming''': I fell in love with you on a troll bridge after you robbed me and hit me over the head with a rock. I knew what I was getting myself into.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Hook''': I made a decision when it comes to Emma. I'm going to back off.
:'''Neal''': Back off?
:'''Hook''': For the sake of the boy. Let his parents have a fair shot. Without a devilishly handsome pirate standing in the way.
:'''Neal''': You serious?
:'''Captain Hook''': Yeah. I *am* dangerously handsome.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Emma''': Sure you don't have other reasons for pushing me toward Neal?
:'''David''': Like what?
:'''Emma''': I don't know. Keeping me away from Hook?
:'''David''': You think I'm interested in Hook? Emma, I'm a married man.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Peter Pan''': ''[in Henry's body]'' Everyone will forget who they are. Time will stand still. And Felix, we will be in charge.
:'''Felix''': This whole place?
:'''Peter Pan''': Yes. And when we're done with it, it's going to be the new Neverland.

=== ''Going Home'' [3.11] ===
:''[Pan stands before the immobilized Emma, Snow, David, Henry, Regina, Belle, Neal, and Granny.]''
:'''Peter Pan''': Look at you all. A captive audience. I could play with you like a pack of dolls, couldn't I? I think I'll start with these two. ''[Approaches Belle and Neal]'' You both look so adorable. Hard to tell who to kill first. ''[Turns to Neal]'' No, it isn't. ''[Points at Neal]'' You. You first.
:''[Gold appears, grabs Pan by his left shoulder, and pulls him away from Belle and Neal.]''
:'''Mr. Gold''': Stay away from them.
:'''Peter Pan''': How about this? The worm has teeth. You're here to protect their &quot;loved ones&quot;.
:'''Mr. Gold''': I'm not gonna let you touch either one of them.
:'''Peter Pan''': Oh, I'd like to see that.
:'''Mr. Gold''': Oh, you will. Because I have a job to finish, and I have to do whatever it takes. No loopholes. And what needs to be done has a price. A price I'm finally willing to pay. ''[Turns to Neal]'' I used the curse to find you, Bae, to tell you I made a mistake. To make sure you had a chance at happiness. And that happiness is possible. Just not with me. I accept that.
:'''Peter Pan''': Pretty, pretty words.
:'''Mr. Gold''': I love you, Bae. ''[Turns to Belle]'' And I love you, Belle, you made me stronger.
:'''Peter Pan''': Stronger, yes. But still, no magic.
:'''Mr. Gold''': Oh, but I don't need it. You see, you may have lost your shadow, but there's one thing you're forgetting.
:'''Peter Pan''': And what's that?
:'''Mr. Gold''': So have I. I sent it away with something to hide.
:''[Gold raises his hand into the air and summons his shadow, who arrives with the Dark One's Dagger and gives it to Gold. As the shadow goes back into Gold, he gets Pan in a bear hug.]''
:'''Peter Pan''': What are you doing?!
:'''Mr. Gold''': You see, the only way for you to die is if we both die. And now&amp;ndash; now I'm ready!
:''[Gold stabs Pan in the back. Pan transforms into Malcolm.]''
:'''Mr. Gold''': Hello, Papa.
:'''Malcolm''': Rumple, please. You can stop this. Remove the dagger. We can start over. We can have a happy ending.
:'''Mr. Gold''': Ah, but I'm a villain. And villains don't get happy endings.
:''[Gold twists the dagger on Malcolm's back, causing a bright glow to erupt from the blade. As Malcolm starts groaning in pain, Gold places a kiss on his cheek. The light engulfs them and they disappear. The immobilization spell on Emma, Snow, David, Regina, Henry, Belle, Neal, and Granny wears off. As Emma, Snow, David, Regina, Henry, Neal, and Granny stand in shock over seeing Gold and Pan disappear, Belle collapses to her knees crying.]''

----
:'''Blue Fairy''': Good luck, Snow. Have faith.
:'''Snow White''': That's easy to say when you have magic wings and a wand.

----
:'''Regina''': Henry, I was wrong, too. It wasn't your fault. It's mine. I cast the curse out of vengeance. And I'm... I'm the villain. You heard Mr. Gold. Villains don't get happy endings.
:'''Henry''': You're not a villain. You're my mom.

=== ''New York City Serenade'' [3.12]===
:'''The Wicked Witch of the West''': The Queen may be Evil, but I'm Wicked. And Wicked ''always'' wins.

=== ''Witch Hunt'' [3.13] ===
:'''Red Riding Hood''': Seems like old times, doesn't it? Except, not running from Regina, but with her.
:'''Snow White''': She's changed. I have to believe for the better.
:'''Red Riding Hood''': I hope it sticks. But regardless, she doesn't look too good. If she hadn't tried to hurt us so many times, I might be worried about her.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Grumpy''': ''[after Regina concludes the Wicked Witch is occupying her palace]'' We talking East or West?
:'''Snow White''': Does it matter? Neither one sounds good.
:'''Grumpy''': Well, one you drop a house on, the other you toss a bucket of water at.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Regina''': As you said, I just needed to find something to live for.
:'''Robin''': And you found it? What?
:'''Regina''': The one thing I haven't had in a ''very'' long time. Someone to destroy.

=== ''The Tower'' [3.14] ===
:'''Regina''': When we face our deepest fears, our true courage comes out. When you used the hilt of your sword to vanquish your fears, your courage transferred into it.
:'''David''': Why did it disappear?
:'''Regina''': It ''didn't'' disappear. She took it.

=== ''Quiet Minds'' [3.15] ===
:'''Emma''': I almost married a monster from Oz. It's hilarious.
:'''Neal''': I almost married a minion of my evil grandfather, Peter Pan, so... I know what you're saying.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Robin''': Apologies, m'lady. I thought you were the Wicked Witch.
:'''Regina''': And I thought ''you'' were a flying monkey.

=== ''It's Not Easy Being Green'' [3.16] ===
:'''Regina''': This isn't the Wild West.
:'''Zelena''': No, dear. It's the Wicked West.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''David''': And you're sure Cora never said anything about her?
:'''Regina''': I think I would remember if my mother told me she had a love child with a scarecrow.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Walsh''': You're evil.
:'''Zelena''': Not evil, dear. ''Wicked''.

=== ''The Jolly Roger'' [3.17]===
:'''Emma''': Hook's good with Henry and Henry likes him.
:'''Regina''': He's prone to violence, impulsive... ''and'' has a hook for a hand. What about him would a twelve-year-old boy wouldn't like?

=== ''Bleeding Through'' [3.18]===
:'''Mary Margaret''': I killed Cora. She sensed my presence and found a way to bleed through into our world.

=== ''A Curious Thing'' [3.19]===
:'''Snow''': It's happening again. I'm about to give birth, and an evil sorceress is threatening the future of my child.
:'''Regina''': To be fair, the first time I was threatening you. Everyone else just became collateral damage.
:'''Grumpy''': Remind me again why we forgave her?
:'''Regina''': Because I'm helping!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Regina''': ''[discussing with Snow and Charming about Zelena enacting the Dark Curse]'' To do it, you have to give up the thing you love most. From what I gather, Zelena doesn't love much.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grumpy''': Wait. You want to sneak into Rumple's castle where he's being held captive by the Wicked Witch? Name's Grumpy, not ''Stupid''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charming''': Why do women keep their shoeboxes?
:'''Snow''': Because, after True Love, there is no more powerful magic than footwear.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charming''': We've always shared one heart. It'll only grow strong when you look at that baby's face... and see the love I have for you in its eyes.
:'''Snow''': I've loved you since the first moment I saw you.
:'''Charming''': And I'll love you until my last.

=== ''Kansas'' [3.20] ===
:'''Dorothy''': Y-you mean this isn't Kansas?
:'''Glinda''': I'm afraid not. Welcome to Oz.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zelena''': I can do anything.
:'''Gold''': Whether it works or not is irrelevant, dearie. Because, no matter what you change of your past, one thing shall remain the same: who you are. And that is a fate you can never escape.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Henry''': Once upon a time you were a villain, Mom. But you've changed. You're a hero now. And defeating bad guys is what heroes do. I believe in you. Now, you need to believe, too.

=== ''Snow Drifts'' [3.21] ===

=== ''There's No Place Like Home'' [3.22] ===
:'''Belle''': Rumplestiltskin, this thing we have, it's...it's never been easy. I've... I've lost you so many times. I've lost you to darkness, to weakness, and finally, to death. But now I realize... I realize that I have not spent my life losing you. I've spent my life finding you.
:'''Gold''': Belle, when we met, I wasn't just unloved and unloving. I was an enemy of love. Love only brought me pain. My walls were up. But you brought them down. You brought me home. You brought life into my life and chased away all the darkness. And I vow to you I will never forget the distance between what I was and what I am. I owe more to you than I can ever say. How you can see the man behind the monster I will never know.
:'''Belle''': But that monster is gone. And the man beneath him may be flawed, but we all are. And I love you for it. Sometimes the best book has the dustiest jacket. And sometimes the best teacup is chipped.

== Season 4 ==
=== ''A Tale of Two Sisters'' [4.01]===
:'''Elsa''': Please. I want to be alone.
:'''Anna''': You have a sister. You're never gonna be alone. Other than when I'm not around, but even then, I'll be there in spirit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emma''': ''[talking to Regina after she saves Marian's life]'' Henry brought me to Storybrooke to bring back the happy endings. My job is not done until I do that for everyone. Including you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marian''': If you had a family of your own, if you had love, you'd know you shouldn't do this. You wouldn't have to be so cruel.
:'''Evil Queen''': Don't you tell me what I do or don't understand. I know who I am and what I want. And right now... it's your head on a spike.

=== ''White Out'' [4.02]===
:'''Mary Margaret''': I've had eight hours of sleep in the last week, I am breastfeeding, and I am exhausted! I don't need this. I may have cast a little curse, but I did ''not'' ask to maintain a metropolitan electrical grid. And, get this, I am starting to get why Regina was evil. It wasn't her! It was ''you''! You have survived your entire lives without lightbulbs! Buy a flashlight!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emma''': Aren't you cold? I'm freezing.
:'''Elsa''': It's never bothered me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Henry''': You can give up on yourself, but I'm not gonna give up on you. And I'm not gonna go away just because you told me to! I belong here, and I'm gonna come back every day because this is my house, too! And I miss my room!

=== ''Rocky Road'' [4.03]===
:'''Hans''': This is the guy she's to marry?
:'''Kristoff''': In fairness, ''I'' never tried to kill her.
:'''Hans''': I didn't try to kill her. I just left her to die.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hook''': Don't make a man drink alone.
:'''Emma''': Not in the mood for a drink. Or a man.

=== ''The Apprentice'' [4.04]===
:'''Zoso''': You are not the Sorcerer.
:'''The Apprentice''': No. I am his apprentice. And you are not the first Dark One I have faced.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hook''': ''[after Emma asks him out on a date]'' Shouldn't I be the one asking you out? 
:'''Emma''': Should have known you'd be old-fashioned, given your age. What are you, like three hundred?
:'''Hook''': Curses and Neverland may have given me experience. But, as you can see, I've retained my youthful glow.

===''Breaking Glass'' [4.05]===
:'''Elsa''': What are you gonna do? 
:'''Ingrid''': I'm going to build a snowman.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Regina''': Intentionally or not, Ms. Swan, ''you'' brought Marian back. You ruined my life. And there is ''no'' coming back from that. Because I know you think you didn't mean to, but you hurt someone. So do as I do. Learn to live with it.

===''Family Business'' [4.06]===
:'''Ingrid''': ''[speaking to Belle after Anna slips and falls to the ground unconscious]'' You'll have to excuse us, but this is family business.

===''The Snow Queen'' [4.07]===
:'''Will''': If you love someone enough to ruin your entire life for, it's always worth it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Gold''': I'm going to give you a potion that possesses the power to transform something old into something new.
:'''Henry''': What kind of potion's that?
:'''Mr. Gold''': Furniture polish.

===''Smash the Mirror'' [4.08]===
:'''Mary Margaret''': Your stories went poorly because you made bad choices. But... now you're making good ones. It may not happen as quickly as you want, but, if you stay the course, your happiness will come.
:'''Regina''': You honestly believe that?
:'''Mary Margaret''': It doesn't matter what I believe. What matters is that ''you'' do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Elsa''': I was wrong. It wasn't just Anna's love that saved me.
:'''Emma''': What are you talking about?
:'''Elsa''': When I landed in this strange town, I was certain that, without Anna, I was doomed. But I got control over my powers again without her.
:'''Emma''': How?
:'''Elsa''': I didn't really know until today, until the same thing happened to you, and then it finally hit me. It's not only Anna's love or Henry's that can save us. They accept us for who we are, and that's important. But it's not enough. It's on us, too. You have to love yourself, Emma. The good ''and'' the bad. The only way to ever truly be in control of your powers is to embrace them. Because this... This is who you are.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Gold''': Your strange fixation really holds no interest for me.
:'''Ingrid''': Oh, but it should. And it will. You see, these ribbons were of no use to me until this moment. They can bond three magical sisters together, but only if all of us are a perfect match.
:'''Mr. Gold''': And what makes for this perfect match?
:'''Ingrid''': When all three have embraced their powers, which we now have, thanks to you. Now, I wield the magic of my three sisters. Now, my mirror is complete. And with this power, I can finally cast a spell over all of Storybrooke. I could probably even defeat you and decorate this place with your bones. Shall I try?
:'''Mr. Gold''': Dearie, I warn you. Do not overestimate your power.
:'''Ingrid''': And I warn you. ''Don't'' underestimate it.

===''Fall'' [4.09]===
:'''Regina''': By sundown, everyone in this town will start tearing each other apart.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Gold''': If I have to choose between everyone else and me, me wins every time.

===''Shattered Sight'' [4.10]===
:'''Mary Margaret''': You do know me. I pick flowers, I talk to birds, I do all kind of warm fuzzy things. You know what else? I kill. That's right, Snow White's a murderer. I killed the Evil Queen's mommy, and then I said I was sorry... And I didn't mean it.
:'''Anna''': That's horrible.
:'''Mary Margaret''': Still wanna hold hands, sing &quot;Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah&quot;?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Henry''': I'm not happy with my mom dating a dirty pirate like you.
:'''Hook''': Dirty? I bathe quite regularly I'll have you know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ingrid''': ''[after realizing she has always had her sisters' love]'' I am a monster. Not because of my powers, but because of what I let them turn me into. I have to undo this.
:'''Elsa''': No, Ingrid. You'll die.
:'''Ingrid''': I know. It's okay. Elsa, Anna, you found each other. And, Emma, you found your family. Even if it wasn't with me. You... You deserve your memories. ''[returns Elsa and Emma's lost memories with a wave of her hand]'' You three are so special. ''Never'' forget that.
:'''Emma''': There has to be another way. You deserve your happy ending too.
:'''Ingrid''': Long ago, a prophecy told me that you would lead me to just that, Emma. And this is it. All I wanted was to have my sisters' love, and now I have it. Now I get to join them.

===''Heroes and Villains'' [4.11]===
:'''Regina''': I'm not in the mood for a hope speech, Emma.
:'''Emma''': You mistake me for my mother. Besides, you don't need a speech. You need a drinking buddy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ursula''': So, ''this'' is what a man who always wins looks like.
:'''Mr. Gold''': I assure you, Ursula, my situation is only temporary.
:'''Ursula''': Really? How you gonna fix that? Play the lotto?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cruella''': Whatever you're up to, it'll never work. The game is rigged. The villains ''never'' win. Why don't you join us? Perhaps we can change the game together.
:'''Rumplestiltskin''': You severely underestimate me, dearie. I ''always'' win. And I win alone. I certainly don't need to join you &quot;Queens of Darkness&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marian''': I see the way you two look at one another. And I understand. For me, it's only a short time that I've been away. But for him, years have passed. His heart moved on. He's in love with you, Regina. And I think that you're in love with him.
:'''Regina''': Well, it doesn't really matter. He's a man of honor. He made a vow to you, and he's going to keep it.
:'''Marian''': I don't want him to be with me out of obligation. I want to be chosen. If his heart leads him to me, fine. But if it does what I suspect and leads to you... I will step out of the way.

===''Darkness on the Edge of Town'' [4.12]===
:'''Cruella''': Now, who's going to tell me what the hell I'm doing in this ghastly place?
:'''Maleficent''': Lovely question. Because this &quot;ghastly place&quot; is my home. And I didn't ask for any visitors.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rumplestiltskin''': We all have something in common... apart from mutual distaste. We're villains. And it's time the villains got their happy endings.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Gold''': Our collective frustrations are because of his will, not our missteps.
:'''Cruella''': I suppose that's better than blaming bad judgement and gin.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maleficent''': ''[about to face the Chernabog]'' You want darkness? I'll give you darkness!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''David''': We gotta talk.
:'''Cruella''': Oh, so the Prince wants a chat? Okay, handsome. Talk.
:'''Mary Margaret''': This is our town. Now, if you've really turned over a new leaf, you're welcome to stay.
:'''Ursula''': My, aren't we generous?
:'''Mary Margaret''': On one condition. ''No one'' must ever know what happened between us in the Enchanted Forest. And if you say one single word to anyone, especially Emma...Well, you won't have to worry about the Evil Queen. I'll rip out your hearts myself.

===''Unforgiven'' [4.13]===
:'''Belle''': One wrong move, and you'll be hopping out of here as toads. Are you here to try kidnapping me again?
:'''Cruella''': Did we do that? They all blur together.

===''Enter the Dragon'' [4.14]===
:'''Regina''': ''[after seeing that Emma, David and Hook are accompanying Mary Margaret]'' I said we should meet covertly. Not only are you here, you brought the entire Charming softball team and their pirate mascot.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maleficent''': Sorry we couldn't stay to clean up. Have fun last night?
:'''Regina''': Last night? Yes. This morning? No.

===''Poor Unfortunate Soul'' [4.15]===
:'''Hook''': Your voice can soothe even the most haunted soul.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ursula''': Never go up against a woman who has eight hands, especially when you only have one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hook''': Maybe she was right. Maybe villains can't get their happy endings.
:'''Ariel''': Maybe that's because villains always go about getting them the wrong way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Poseidon''': Every time I heard you sing, I heard your mother. And it was too painful. I let that pain fuel my desire for vengeance, but it shouldn't have. It should have reminded me that I still had a piece of her. ''You''.

===''Best Laid Plans'' [4.16]===
:'''Ursula''': The least that Maleficent could have done for her guards is to throw a little dragon's fire our way.
:'''Cruella''': If I'd known it was this cold, darling, I would have grabbed two more puppies and made mittens.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Apprentice''': If you wish me to perform this magic, you must secure such a vessel. Discuss this amongst yourselves. Make sure you want to proceed. Because once this spell has been enacted, it ''cannot'' be reversed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mary Margaret''': I'm your mother.
:'''Emma''': I don't care.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Snow''': Do you really think that redemption is possible?
:'''Charming''': Yes. I have to believe we can earn forgiveness. A chance at grace. But to get there, we have to be the best people we can. Work, spread hope and faith every day. Because, otherwise, what we did will stain us forever.

=== ''Heart of Gold'' [4.17] ===
:'''Regina''': You turned me into a monster. I won't let you do the same thing to Emma.
:'''Mr. Gold''': Is ''that'' your final answer? You're choosing the Savior over your beloved Robin Hood?

===''Sympathy For the De Vil'' [4.18]===
:'''Cruella''': Some people struggle not to be drawn in to the darkness. But ever since I was a little girl, I've said... &quot;Why not splash in and have fun?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maleficent''': We need to talk.
:'''Cruella''': Good thing I had my brakes serviced, darling. I do hate having blood on the car.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Regina''': You're acting like a petulant child. Your parents did a bad thing. They apologized. Now get over it.
:'''Emma''': Forgive me if I don't take advice from the woman who held a grudge for half her life because a ten-year-old spilled a secret.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Madeline''': ''[seeing Cruella use her newfound powers on her dalmatians]'' What did you do to them?
:'''Cruella''': I simply taught them a new command: Kill.

===''Lily'' [4.19]===
:'''Emma''': Every time I let Lily in, she rips apart my life.

===''Mother'' [4.20]===
:'''Regina''': You didn't know our mother, Zelena, but I did. And yet we both suffered.

===''Operation Mongoose Part 1'' [4.21]===
:'''Henry''': I'm trying to help you.
:'''Regina''': Help me what?
:'''Henry''': Find your happy ending. In my world, we called it &quot;Operation Mongoose&quot;.

===''Operation Mongoose Part 2'' [4.22]===
:'''Henry''': ''[writing his first story as the Author]'' Thanks to the hero Regina's sacrifice, Isaac's villainous work was undone.

== Season 5 ==
=== ''The Dark Swan'' [5.01]===

=== ''The Price'' [5.02]===
:'''Regina''': I should be figuring out how to free Merlin, not fox-trotting away across Club Med-ieval.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emma''': ''[after Regina blames her for sending the Fury to attack Robin]'' I did not summon that monster. The price is not mine to pay.
:'''Regina''': Then whose is it?
:'''Emma''': Yours. You are the one who did not pay the price of magic in Camelot. You want to save Robin Hood? You want everyone to believe you're the Savior? Then step up and do what needs to be done!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rumplestiltskin''': ''[after Emma fails to remove Excalibur from the stone]'' Did you really think it would be that simple, dearie? If you want that sword, you're gonna have to pay the price.

=== ''Siege Perilous'' [5.03]===
:'''Leroy''': I know Dopey's a tree, but we got to be more productive since he can't.
:'''Happy''': He's producing oxygen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zelena''': This child could be my only chance for someone to truly love me, and... You got a second chance. Why can't I?
:'''Regina''': I'm sorry. But you've had a second chance. And a second ''second'' chance.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Gold''': ''[after realizing the Darkness has fully consumed Emma]'' What do you want from me? You're the Dark One now. Not me.
:'''Emma''': That's right. You are not dark. You are also not light. You are ''nothing''. Your heart is a blank slate. And that, little man, makes you useful.

=== ''The Broken Kingdom'' [5.04]===
:'''Kay''': They call Camelot &quot;The Broken Kingdom&quot; because we have no king, and we never will.

===''Dreamcatcher'' [5.05]===
:'''Regina''': You really think giving the dagger to Arthur is the best way to help Emma?
:'''Mary Margaret''': We trust him.
:'''David''': Implicitly.
:'''Regina''': Did you learn those big words at shepherd school?

===''The Bear and the Bow'' [5.06]===
:'''Merida''': I refused to believe a bow was just something my mother tied to my curly locks.

===''Nimue'' [5.07]===

===''Birth'' [5.08]===
:'''Zelena''': Your insane girlfriend sped up my pregnancy, kidnapped me right after giving birth, and separated me from my little girl. And they say ''I'm'' wicked.

===''The Bear King'' [5.09]===
:'''King Fergus''': You don't have to worry about me, lass. I'm the Bear King. I faced Mor'du. I can handle whatever the Southern invaders throw at us.

===''Broken Heart'' [5.10]===

===''Swan Song'' [5.11]===
:'''Brennan Jones''': Remember, whenever you feel scared, all you have to do is look inside. We're all braver than we think if we just look deep enough. Before you know it, you're gonna be a man, so I'm just trying to prepare you. 'Cause then, you're gonna have to answer life's big question. What kind of man are you going to be?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Regina''': I understand you think Emma betrayed you, but do you really think dragging her family to the Underworld's the answer?
:'''Hook''': This from the woman who enacted the Dark Curse to punish Snow White for telling a secret. You of all people should know how far someone will go for revenge. And unfortunately for you, so do all the people you've killed who are waiting for you in hell.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Regina''': It's time to drop the act. You can't just sit back and watch another family be destroyed to get your revenge.
:'''Hook''': What makes you think I can't?
:'''Regina''': Because of what we swore to never speak of again. I know the real reason you don't want to talk about what you did to your father.
:'''Hook''': I believe we've already had this conversation...
:'''Regina''': But this time you're going to listen. Because, if you don't, you're gonna regret it for the rest of your life. Which, in your case, means forever. So you have to ask yourself the same question you did that night. What kind of man do you want to be?

===''Souls of the Departed'' [5.12]===
:'''Hades''': Did you hear that, Cora?
:'''Cora''': The music? Yes. But I've never been very fond of the violin.
:'''Hades''': I wouldn't expect a miller's daughter to appreciate a virtuoso like Paganini, but&amp;ndash; No, I didn't mean the music. I was talking about the clock.

----
:''[Mr. Gold enters the Underworld version of his shop to see a thread wheel spinning rapidly. He walks further into the shop and sees the chipped cup and its matching saucer on a table. Gold flashbacks to when he told Belle he was going to the Underworld.]''
:'''Belle''': The Underworld?
:'''Mr. Gold''': I'll only be gone for a day. Just long enough to retrieve Hook.
:'''Belle''': I&amp;ndash; I don't understand. Why you?
:'''Mr. Gold''': Because, Belle, I'm the only who's been there. Plus, my blood can summon the ferry.
:''[Mr. Gold and Belle kiss.]''
:'''Belle''': Just come back to me.
:'''Mr. Gold''': I always do.
:''[The flashback ends. Gold is holding the chipped cup in his hands. He puts it back down on the table and then notices his childhood doll on a table. He then makes his way behind the counter, approaches the painting that is attached to the wall behind the counter, and pulls it back, revealing a safe hidden behind the painting. Gold punches in the combination, opens the door, and finds nothing in the safe.]''
:'''Peter Pan''': ''[Appears behind Gold]'' Looking for something?
:'''Mr. Gold''': ''[Turns to face Pan]'' Peter Pan. I certainly wasn't looking for you.
:'''Peter Pan''': Oh, come on, son, don't be like that. Aren't you glad to see your dear old father?
:'''Mr. Gold''': Just because you, uh, sired me, that doesn't make you my father. ''[Steps out from behind the counter and stops in front of Pan]'' Step aside.
:'''Peter Pan''': ''[Moves aside]'' Keep looking for as long as you like. But down here, this is ''my'' shop, and you won't find anything unless I want you to.
:''[Mr. Gold continues looking around.]''
:'''Mr. Gold''': Be careful with your threats.
:'''Peter Pan''': Or what? You'll kill me again? Maybe it's time to put the past behind us. This is what you're looking for, right?
:''[Mr. Gold turns around and sees Pan holding a potion in his hand. Pan places it down on the table next to the straw doll.]''
:'''Peter Pan''': Go on. Take it.
:'''Mr. Gold''': How generous. How many strings are attached?
:'''Peter Pan''': No strings. Rumple, I meant what I said before I died. I&amp;ndash; I do want to start over.
:'''Mr. Gold''': Never gonna happen. I sent you here for a reason.
:'''Peter Pan''': I miss the world above, the tastes, the smells.
:'''Mr. Gold''': Sorry. You can't go back.
:'''Peter Pan''': Not unless I trade places with a living soul. And those people you came down with, they are not your friends, and they are living for now. Maybe one of them doesn't make the trip back, but your dear old dad does.
:'''Mr. Gold''': Not interested.
:'''Peter Pan''': Not yet. But&amp;ndash; ''[Picks up the potion]'' &amp;ndash;this one's on the house for today. ''[Holds out the potion for Gold]'' A gesture of goodwill, from a father to his son.
:''[Gold looks at the potion and then looks at Pan.]''

===''Labor of Love'' [5.13]===
:'''Hercules''': You can't let the fear of failing stop you from trying.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dead Eye''': Are you sure you don't want me to kill her?
:'''Evil Queen''': I won't turn her into a martyr for these people to worship. No. I have to turn them ''against'' her. And these miserable people will finally realize the truth. ''I'' am meant to be their queen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emma''': ''[after Hades reveals Hook's bloodied hook]'' What did you do to him?
:'''Hades''': It's not what I've already done you should worry about now. It's what I'm about to do.

===''Devil's Due'' [5.14]===
:'''Peter Pan''': ''[Voiceover as Mr. Gold reads the note]'' My son, this shop is yours to do with as you wish, and my offer still stands. Use what's in the case when you want to accept it, and we can be a family again. Your father.

----
:'''Fendrake''': I know who you are, Dark One.
:'''Rumplestiltskin''': Well, I imagine you do.
:'''Fendrake''': You weren't like this before.
:'''Rumplestiltskin''': That's right. I was a mortal man then. And a moral one. A man in a desperate situation. And you took advantage. And I admire that a great deal. Full points. But I don't like carrying debt.
:'''Fendrake''': Unfortunately, Dark One, the contract is binding. Even if I wanted to change it, I couldn't. You owe me.
:'''Rumplestiltskin''': ''[Giggles]'' I owe you! That's right, but I can't owe a debt to a dead man. ''[Rips out Fendrake's heart]'' Now&amp;ndash; I don't like debts. But I do love a loophole. ''[Crushes Fendrake's heart and kills him]''

----
:'''Hades''': ''[After summoning Fendrake and revealing him to Gold]'' Remember him? You two had a contract. You tried to void it by killing him during a certain potentially baby-making liaison with your protege, the Evil Queen's mother Cora. You rascal! ''[Chuckles]'' Which seemed smart at the time, but it turns out death doesn't actually nullify a contract. Not down here. Because here he is. And here's the contract&amp;ndash; ''[Produces the contract]'' which he just signed over to me. So, just to be super extra clear, at any time, I can cash in the debt and take your baby. All magic comes with a price. And now, Dark One, the price is you work for me.

===''The Brothers Jones'' [5.15]===
:'''Hook''': Can't wait to see the look on his face when he learns a valuable lesson: One should ''never'' mess with the Brothers Jones.

===''Our Decay'' [5.16]===
:'''Hades''': ''[after deducing Zelena is thinking about Regina]'' You know how some people say they look up to their older siblings like gods? Well, my older brother ''is'' a god. ''Zeus''. Ever hear of him? He got ''everything'' he ever wanted. He rules Mount Olympus while I'm trapped ruling the Underworld. He ''stopped'' my heart. Love, happiness, joy... They've all been taken from me. What I'm left with is only anger and a thirst for vengeance.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Regina''': When I was the Evil Queen, I spent every day not giving a damn about anyone. And in return, no one cared about me. I thought all I needed was my vengeance to keep me warm at night. But then something happened. My enemies became my family... and that's when I finally felt happy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zelena''': ''[after learning that Hades brought her to the Underworld because he loves her]'' You made me my very own Storybrooke?
:'''Hades''': I gave you what you wanted, what she had. It's not... perfect. The Underworld is a place of, uh... well, destruction. Despite my best intentions, things don't ''grow'' here. They decay. But it's ''our'' decay.

=== ''Her Handsome Hero'' [5.17] ===
:'''Gaston''': ''Her Handsome Hero''... Interesting. Wouldn't have picked you for a fan of cheap romance.
:'''Belle''': ''No!'' No. This is not like that. This book is about compassion and forgiveness&amp;ndash; the things that truly make a hero.

===''Ruby Slippers'' [5.18]===
:'''Ruby''': You left without saying anything.
:'''Dorothy''': I was afraid. I couldn't lose you to Zelena.
:'''Ruby''': Well, yeah, but&amp;ndash; I almost lost you.
:'''Dorothy''': You didn't. You came back for me.
:'''Ruby''': I always will.

===''Sisters'' [5.19]===
:'''Young Regina''': ''[While watching Young Zelena being removed from the Royal Manor]'' No matter what she does, we're sisters! And nothing can change that! I will find you! I promise!

----
:''[Peter Pan approaches Mr. Gold and Zelena.]''
:'''Zelena''': Who's this?
:'''Mr. Gold''': Well, he's what I like to call a loophole. Zelena, meet my father, Peter Pan.
:'''Peter Pan''': I hear you're wicked. Well, I'm much worse.
:''[Pan throws a sack on Zelena.]''

===''Firebird'' [5.20]===
:''[Hades rips up the contract on Gold and Belle's unborn child.]''
:'''Hades''': There. Now give her back.
:'''Mr. Gold''': Oh, you can have her back.
:'''Peter Pan''': But we didn't say anything about her heart, did we? You see, my body is ready to walk the earth again. Except for one thing. A living heart. So, if you don't mind. ''[Pulls back his hand]''
:'''Zelena''': My heart has got a protection spell on it.
:'''Peter Pan''': You may be good at magic, but we're better.
:''[Pan starts to rip out Zelena's heart, but is magically blasted back by Emma, who has arrived in the diner.]''
:'''Emma Swan''': ''[Approaches Hades]'' You sure about that?
:'''Hades''': I was beginning to think you couldn't get in.
:'''Emma Swan''': Locks don't bother me much. He ripped up the contract like you wanted, so leave.
:'''Peter Pan''': Since when does the Savior answer to the king of Death?
:'''Emma Swan''': Since he's the one getting my family home.
:'''Mr. Gold''': You picked the wrong team to back, Ms. Swan. ''[Points at Hades]'' You won't get what you want from him.
:'''Emma Swan''': Really? Because you just did, which is making me wonder why you're still here.
:'''Mr. Gold''': Yeah, I suppose you have a point.
:''[Gold teleports away. Emma, Zelena, Pan, and Hades watch on.]''
:'''Peter Pan''': ''[Seeing that Gold has teleported away]'' Rumple.
:'''Zelena''': Looks like your little boy only came for what he wanted.
:'''Emma Swan''': And I don't think you're gonna be that lucky.
:''[Pan lets go of Zelena and teleports away. Emma, Zelena, and Hades watch on.]''

----
:''[Gold goes into the back room where Belle is sleeping in a bed. He approaches her and tries to kiss her to wake her up, but is unsuccessful. Gold hears a noise in the main part of the shop. He steps into the main part of the shop and sees that Pan has appeared in the pawn shop.]''
:'''Peter Pan''': She may not accept you for who you are, but I will, despite your rude abandonment of me earlier.
:'''Mr. Gold''': Touching, Papa. Yes, abandonment hurts, doesn't it? But with the contract gone, I only care about one thing: Getting Belle home so her father can wake her.
:'''Peter Pan''': I'd love to help you make the journey, but that's going to be quite difficult since I didn't get the heart you promised me.
:'''Mr. Gold''': Oh, there's the man I remember. Always thinking about what's in it for himself.
:'''Peter Pan''': There's something in it for you, too. ''[Holds up Pandora's Box]'' Pandora's Box. ''[Steps towards Gold]'' You can keep her safe in here in exchange for a heart. Otherwise, you both might lose out and miss that portal home. ''[Turns to the window]'' Opening soon&amp;ndash; ''[Turns to Gold]'' &amp;ndash;but only till sunset. So, do we have a deal? Tick, tock.
:''[Gold looks at Pandora's Box and then looks at Pan.]''

----
:'''Henry''': What about Operation Firebird? We can't leave the Underworld without helping the people trapped here.
:'''Regina''': They were trapped here because of Hades, who, fortunately for them, will no longer be a resident.

----
:''[Robin goes behind a couple of bookshelves to try and compose himself. He hears a noise.]''
:'''Robin Hood''': Who's there?
:''[Robin turns around and finds Gold standing in front of him.]''
:'''Mr. Gold''': It's just me, Dearie. Don't worry. You'll remember none of this.
:''[Gold rips out Robin's heart.]''

----
:''[Gold, holding a heart-sized pouch containing a heart, opens the door of the pawn shop and enters the pawn shop where Pan is waiting.]''
:'''Peter Pan''': Where have you been? We're running out of time.
:'''Mr. Gold''': ''[Closes the door of the pawn shop]'' Still can't bring yourself to trust little Rumple, can you, Papa? ''[Walks over to a table and puts down the pouch on it]''
:'''Peter Pan''': You always were a touchy boy.
:''[The portal at the cemetery starts rumbling.]''
:'''Peter Pan''': I take it that means it's not going to be open much longer.
:''[Gold opens the pouch and looks at the heart that is inside.]''
:'''Peter Pan''': Shall we?
:'''Mr. Gold''': Not quite yet. Timing is everything. ''[Turns to Pan]'' Have patience, Papa.
:''[The portal at the cemetery continues rumbling. Pan becomes terrified.]''

----
:''[Pan looks out the window.]''
:'''Peter Pan''': It's nearly time. ''[Turns around and walks towards Gold]'' We should go. We don't want to miss our ticket home.
:'''Mr. Gold''': ''[Takes out the heart and approaches Pan]'' Now, are you ready?
:'''Peter Pan''': Yes. ''[Places his hand on Gold's arm]'' Thank you, son.
:'''Mr. Gold''': Pleasure's all mine, Papa.
:''[Gold shoves the heart into Pan's chest.]''
:'''Peter Pan''': ''[Feels something inside his chest]'' Wait, something&amp;ndash; ''[Leans onto Gold for support]'' Wait, something's wrong.
:'''Mr. Gold''': Does it feel different than you remembered?
:'''Peter Pan''': ''[Coughs]'' What's happening? What did you do?
:'''Mr. Gold''': That wasn't really Robin Hood's heart I put inside you. I knew you or your shadow could be watching. Whilst you were otherwise distracted, I returned Robin's heart to him.
:'''Peter Pan''': What did you put in me?
:'''Mr. Gold''': A wineskin I glamoured, filled with water from the River of Souls.
:'''Peter Pan''': ''[Horrified]'' No. Why?
:'''Mr. Gold''': Villains don't get happy endings, Papa. And I'm here to make sure you never get yours.
:''[Gold shoves Pan to the floor. Pan dissolves into green smoke as Gold watches on.]''
:'''Mr. Gold''': Goodbye, Papa, for good this time.

===''Last Rites'' [5.21]===
:''[Mr. Gold goes into Regina's office and finds Hades' ashes on the floor.]''
:'''Mr. Gold''': You should have taken my deal.
:''[Mr. Gold digs through Hades' ashes and takes out the Olympian Crystal.]''
:'''Mr. Gold''': Like I told you, this is my kingdom.

===''Only You'' [5.22]===
:''[Mr. Gold arrives at the library where Henry and Violet are.]''
:'''Mr. Gold''': Hello, Henry.
:'''Henry''': Violet, get behind me. You're not getting this, not without a fight.
:'''Mr. Gold''': Too bad you're gonna lose.
:''[Mr. Gold magically renders Henry and Violet unconscious and takes the Olympian Crystal from Henry.]''

===''An Untold Story'' [5.23]===
:'''Mr. Hyde''': You know, I've been looking for a place like this for quite some time; a land where all the world's lost and forgotten stories can play themselves out. And now that I've brought them here, that is ''exactly'' what they're going to do.

== Season 6 ==
=== ''The Savior'' [6.01]===
:'''Jafar''': You give and give and give… and for what? They pick the fruit, they cut the branches and all that's left is this... shaky stump. That's why you never, '''''ever''''' hear these words about a Savior: &quot;They lived happily ever after.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Regina''': My life was never just one story. It was many stories. To some, a villain. I hurt people... in ways I can never make up for. To others, I'm... a hero. They've seen my strength, my ability to do the hard things, even when I thought I couldn't. I want to start a new story. One where the Evil Queen doesn't get a part. And I choose to believe that this story will have a better ending than my last.

=== ''A Bitter Draught'' [6.02]===
:'''Regina''': ''[speaking to the refugees from the Land of Untold Stories]'' You fled to the Land of Untold Stories because you were afraid that whatever was in this book is going to play out. But, now that you're here, I'm sure you're scared it will. But what you don't realize is I'm just like you. I'm also getting a fresh start and I don't know what the future holds either. But I do know one thing. We don't have to be afraid of anything. Because, whatever comes next, we're going to face it. '''''Together'''''.

=== ''The Other Shoe'' [6.03]===
:'''Emma''': ''[after learning that the Evil Queen wants to make her watch Ashley lose her happy ending]'' I saved her once. I'll save her again.
:'''Evil Queen''': That's the tragic thing about being a savior. You have to keep saving people. But once you're off the chessboard, everything falls apart. All those happy endings turn to dust and your entire life means nothing.

=== ''Strange Case'' [6.04]===
:'''Mary''': When you walked into the parlor the other night, I saw the way the others looked at you. They were afraid. But I wasn't. I saw a man unencumbered by fear or by social obligation. How... how do you do that? How are you so free of it all?
:'''Mr. Hyde''': I don't know. Perhaps I was simply... made that way.

===''Street Rats'' [6.05]===
:'''Aladdin''': She was the first person to believe I could be more than just a selfish street rat. I can't see the look in her eyes when she realizes that's exactly what I am.
:'''Emma''': I was... I '''''am''''' a street rat, too. I made plenty of mistakes. But I've known people who kept me strong, who cared about me as much as Jasmine clearly cares about you. Maybe the real mistake was keeping the savior burden to yourself?

===''Dark Waters'' [6.06]===
:'''Captain Nemo''': This key will open the gateway to a place called the Mysterious Island. It is a place where we can start over. This is your chance, Killian. You don't have to swim the dark waters any longer.

===''Heartless'' [6.07]===
:'''Evil Queen''': I've dreamt of this moment for so long, Snow White. I'd wake up still feeling the grit of your crushed heart clinging to my palms. But that ending isn't poetic enough, is it? I want to give you my pain. The pain of being alone.

===''I'll Be Your Mirror'' [6.08]===
:'''Henry''': ''[to the Evil Queen]'' You may not see it, but I'm strong. Because my moms taught me that family makes you stronger than you'll ever be by yourself. And that's something you'll never have. Because you'll always be alone.

===''Changelings'' [6.09]===
:'''Gold''': When we met, I told you I was a difficult man to love. But more than that, I think I think I'm a man no one can love. But this son... With him, I can start over. Maybe he can love me.
:'''Belle''': Not like this. Don't give up, Rumple. I never wanted you to be perfect. I just wanted you to '''''try'''''.
:'''Gold''': I have. And look what's happened. I've only ever pushed you away. Now, uh, I... I'm afraid all I really have is this. Magic.
:'''Belle''': And it may get you your son. But you know there's a price. You won't just push me away again. You'll lose me forever. Is that a price that you're willing to pay?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rumplestiltskin''': Why did you abandon me?
:'''Black Fairy''': Funny that the Dark One should ask such a thing. Sometimes you have to choose power over love.

===''Wish You Were Here'' [6.10]===
:'''Evil Queen''': Genie of Agrabah, I wish that Emma Swan's wish – to have never been the Savior – be granted.

===''Tougher Than The Rest'' [6.11]===

===''Murder Most Foul'' [6.12]===

===''Ill-Boding Patterns'' [6.13]===
:'''Gideon''': I was a coward, Father. Just like you. But we can show your mother that she was wrong about both of us.

===''Page 23'' [6.14]===
:'''Mary Margaret''': Isn't that...
:'''Regina''': Page 23. The page that magically appeared to me with what I thought could be an ending to my story with Robin. A happy ending. Instead, it was just a cruel twist of fate, showing me an ending that could never be.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emma''': ''[after catching Hook about to burn a dreamcatcher containing his memories of killing David's father]'' How could you do this? 
:'''Hook''': I've been asking myself the same question, and all I can say is that I was a broken man for a very long time, and I did horrendous things.
:'''Emma''': I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about this. You were about to burn your own memories. Why would you do that?
:'''Hook''': Because I was ashamed, Emma, and ''scared'' of losing you and everything that matters to me.
:'''Emma''': And you really think that would happen after everything we've been through? 
:'''Hook''': You tell me. How am I supposed to sit across from your mother and father at the table and look them in the eye after what I've done? 
:'''Emma''': I'm not saying it would be easy. You know them. You know they would forgive you. That's who they are.
:'''Hook''':  This isn't just about ''them''. This is about ''me''. I already destroyed my own family once, and that was hard enough, but knowing that I destroyed yours, too, I just ... I didn't know how I could live with that.
:'''Emma''': You come to me, Hook, and you lean on me and you trust ''me''. We have to stop hiding things from each other. The man I fell in love with would know that. You would know that we would do things together.
:'''Hook''': Emma... 
:'''Emma''': ''That'' is what I agreed to marry. That is what I thought that we were together. Until you're ready for that ... ''[takes off her engagement ring and hands it back to Hook]'' Then we can talk.

===''The Final Battle, Part 2'' [6.23]===
:'''Mr. Gold''': ''[Realizes]'' Gideon. You have his heart.
:'''Fiona''': Yes. And I commanded him to kill the savior. Not even my death can stop that. ''[Stands up]'' In fact, I suspect it would ensure it.
:''[Pause.]''
:'''Mr. Gold''': Well&amp;ndash; there's only one way to find out.
:''[Gold uses the wand to turn Fiona's body into dust. After he finishes turning Fiona's body into dust, Gold drops the wand.]''

== Season 7 ==
===''Hyperion Heights'' [7.01]===
:'''Lucy''': You returned all the happy endings. And now, my mom and all the others need you to do it again. The curse put most people in Hyperion Heights, but&amp;ndash;
:'''Henry''': I hear that's an up-and-coming neighborhood. Doesn't really sound like a curse to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Henry''': You're '''''the''''' Alice? From Wonderland?
:'''Alice''': And other places! Gah, you have one weird trip and it's all anyone knows about you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiana''': ''[after being approached by a servant bearing a platter of frog legs]'' Oh... Frog legs. No. No, thank you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Victoria''': Go back to your books, your fairylands, whatever nonsense you write. Because in this world, the '''''real''''' world, people get hurt. And if that happens, you'll be sorry you ever stepped foot on this street.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Victoria''': You'll regret this, Roni.
:'''Roni''': Doubtful. Regret's not really my thing.

===''A Pirate's Life'' [7.02]===
:'''Killian Jones''': ''[referring to Henry]'' Look, he's grown into a fine young lad, and he is lucky to have a mother like you.
:'''Emma Swan''': He's lucky to have a pirate like you.

===''The Garden of Forking Paths'' [7.03]===
:'''Jacinda''': You see, this garden isn't what it was supposed to be. I couldn't see that. But my Lucy did. She never stopped believing in it for a second. We're gonna show Victoria Belfrey that, when you truly believe in something... you can change things.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Regina''': You stayed in that depressing manor home. You let your stepmother walk all over you and call you &quot;Cinder... ella&quot;. But, you know... there's a reason for that. You're punishing yourself. Take my advice. If you want to take this woman down, the first thing you got to do... is forgive yourself.

===''Beauty'' [7.04]===
:'''Tilly''':  I finally understand. I just had to see the whole picture, the whole story. See, we all have stories. I have a story. This troll has a story. Even you, Mr. Weaver, have a story. And it's a thing of beauty.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Gold''': ''[after seeing Belle rattle off items on the checklist for one-year-old Gideon's birthday party]'' Relax... It's a children's birthday party. As long as everyone turns up and Gideon ends up with birthday cake all over his face, it's a success.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ivy''': Lucy and Jacinda may be apart, but they will always have each other. And I'm all alone. Not that I expect you to understand. You're practically already a part of her little insta-family.
: '''Henry''': You want to talk about being alone? Until last week, the only human contact I had was with my Swyft riders.

===''Greenbacks'' [7.05]===
:'''Dr. Facilier''': The wealth dried up like a raisin in the sun and the people suffered without a strong ruler. And that's why you've come to me, is it not? To find that strong ruler, that prince who can save you and your kingdom.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiana''': But how did you know I was looking for a prince?
:'''Dr. Facilier''': It's my job, isn't it? And in this business, it's all about who you know. I don't like to drop names, but I do have a few friends... on the other side.

===''Wake Up Call'' [7.06]===
:'''Ivy''': Welcome back... '''''Regina'''''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Regina''': All those years... A blink of an eye for us and you... you lived a lifetime with Belle? It's difficult to comprehend.
:'''Mr. Gold''': You know, we had a good life. And it made me a new man. That's why I'm here in this realm. Finally ready to pass on the power of the Dark One. The '''''right way'''''.

===''Eloise Gardener'' [7.07]===
:'''Rogers''': ''[after Weaver accuses him of being obsessed with the Eloise Gardener case]'' I'm gonna find Eloise Gardener. And I won't let you, Victoria Belfrey, or anyone else stop me.

===''Pretty in Blue'' [7.08]===
:'''Cinderella''': I know that where you come from, true love always wins. But mine is a world of broken promises where people '''''never''''' find each other.

===''One Little Tear'' [7.09]===
:'''Rapunzel''': I'll apologize for taking some food, but I won't apologize for trying to help my family. My husband is sick. My kids have gone two days without a bite. 
:'''Gothel''': Many people come here in an attempt to steal my magic. And yet, here you are selflessly risking my ire for radishes... It's rare to find a flower that can grow amongst the weeds of human nature.

===''The Eighth Witch'' [7.10]===
:'''Regina''': I can't just&amp;ndash; can't just cast a curse. It takes time and&amp;ndash; ingredients&amp;ndash;
:'''Drizella''': Eight, to be exact. And I have seven of them right here. The only one I'm missing &amp;ndash; the most important one, and, of course, the hardest to find &amp;ndash; is magic from a witch who crushed the heart of the thing she loves most. So&amp;ndash; Regina, what'll it be? My curse or his life?

===''Secret Garden'' [7.11]===

===''A Taste of the Heights'' [7.12]===
:'''Jacinda''': And speaking of cool, tonight's the night&amp;ndash; Taste of the Heights is happening.
:'''Lucy''': A food fair in an abandoned skate park? Oh, that's so cool!

===''Knightfall'' [7.13]===

===''The Girl in the Tower'' [7.14]===
:'''Robin''': Wow. So '''''you're''''' the girl in the tower.
:'''Alice''': I got out of that tower years ago.

===''Sisterhood'' [7.15]===

===''Breadcrumbs'' [7.16]===
:'''Nick''': So, how do you do a Hansel hunt? You stake out the lederhosen stores? Dust for gingerbread? Look for breadcrumbs?

===''Chosen'' [7.17] ===
:'''Weaver''': So how does it feel to finally be chosen before Regina?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nick''': I was so tired of being Hansel. You know, carrying his scars. So I picked a new name. Jack was simple. Jack had no past. And then when we slayed all those giants and you decided I was Jack the Giant Killer. And suddenly I... I was a hero.

===''The Guardian'' [7.18]===

===''Flower Child'' [7.19]===

===''Is This Henry Mills?'' [7.20]===

:''[Weaver, Tilly, and Margot stand against Mother Gothel.]''
:'''Weaver''': She was never with you. And now she's gonna be the one who stops you.
:'''Tilly''': What? No. I can't fight her. She's a monster. She's too strong.
:'''Rogers''': ''[Approaches them]'' Not half as strong as you, Alice.
:'''Tilly''': Papa, please.
:'''Rogers''': I know you're afraid.
:'''Tilly''': You're hurting yourself. You're&amp;ndash; You're growing weak.
:'''Rogers''': No, I'm finally growing strong. You make me stronger.
:'''Mother Gothel''': Yet every step you take, your heart grows weaker.
:'''Rogers''': You can do this. I'm here with you. ''[Takes Tilly's hand]''
:'''Margot''': ''[Takes Tilly's other hand]'' And so am I.
:'''Mother Gothel''': Don't be a fool. Join your mother and defend your home.
:'''Tilly''': You are not my mother. You wanna ruin me the way the world ruined you, but I'm not like you. I'm not an outcast. I'm not an orphan or a street rat or some crazy girl who's lost her way. You chose hate, but I choose love.
:''[Tilly transforms Mother Gothel into a tree and walks over to her.]''
:'''Tilly''': I'm sorry your life twisted into something you never meant it to. I promise I will do better. For everyone. ''[Grows flowers on the tree]''

----
:'''Henry''': ''[Voiceover as Regina reads his personal essay]'' Dear Mom, this is the personal essay I wanted to send, but couldn't. It's titled &quot;Once Upon a Time.&quot; And it's the story of us. Sometimes, you have to leave home. And you've been there for so long, you don't know who or what you'll be outside of it, but then you realize every experience, every trial, every moment has shaped you. And you take that place with you no matter where you go next. I'm lucky. I have an incredible home. You won't find it on a map, but in it, you will find magic. You find love, hope, and something to believe in. You'll find a family that fights for one another, who never gives up on each other. And even when they're separated by curse or distance or time, they find each other. They always find each other. I wish the world could know the story of my family, how it was all true, how every moment of it happened. And you may think this is just a story, but that's the thing about stories. They're more than words. They live inside of us. They make us who we are. And as long as someone believes that, there will always be magic.

----
:'''Baron Samdi''': That's what I thought, you're a shadow of your former self. It's sad. Trying to get back to your beloved has made you the worst version of you. ''[Gets stabbed in the back by Wish Realm Rumplestiltskin]''

===''Homecoming'' [7.21]===
:''[Henry and Roni find Wish Realm Peter Pan, who is imprisoned in a pillory.]''
:'''Roni''': Peter Pan? What happened to you? What happened to this land?
:'''Wish Realm Peter Pan''': My son happened. He never forgives, and he never forgets. Guess neither of us grew up.
:'''Henry''': Your son took my family. I need to know where they are.
:'''Wish Realm Peter Pan''': Your guess is as good as mine. But I recommend you abandon all hope of finding them and leave. Because while good things come into my son's castle, they never come out.

----
:''[Wish Realm Rumplestiltskin sends Henry, Rogers, and Weaver into the snowglobe where Jacinda and Lucy are.]''
:'''Roni''': Henry! Where'd they go?
:'''Wish Realm Rumplestiltskin''': I reunited Henry and the others with his family. Bound to be quite the reunion.
:'''Roni''': Then why am I still here?
:'''Wish Realm Henry''': Because we're finally back to what I'm getting out of this. I watched you crush my grandparents' hearts and take away my mom. And that story still needs its ending.

===''Leaving Storybrooke'' [7.22]===
:''[Weaver and Rogers try to break the glass of the snowglobe.]''
:'''Weaver''': Our spirit's gonna break long before that glass.
:'''Rogers''': We should try another area. There must be a weak spot.
:'''Weaver''': There's that unshakable determination, however misguided. That's the reason why I kept you as a partner, Detective. That and your good heart.
:'''Rogers''': Well, seeing as we're allowing certain death to bring up secret truths, I do have to ask you&amp;ndash; given the amount of power that you once held, how come you never used it to destroy me?
:'''Weaver''': Because you were the closest thing I ever had to a friend.

----
:''[Wish Realm Henry has Roni at swordpoint.]''
:'''Wish Realm Henry''': You knew I wouldn't listen to you, so why did you come here?!
:'''Roni''': I had to.
:'''Wish Realm Henry''': No, you didn't! What do you want from me?!
:'''Roni''': I just want you to know that you weren't alone. Because I know what that's like, too.
:'''Wish Realm Henry''': You deserve to be alone, and that's how you're going to die.
:'''Roni''': I know you think I'm a villain whose life isn't worth saving, but yours means everything to me&amp;ndash; All versions of it. So if this is how I have to go out&amp;ndash; Showing you that there are people in the world that love you, no matter what you do&amp;ndash; Oh, then&amp;ndash; that's a worthy end for me.
:''[Wish Realm Henry drops his sword and the portals close.]''
:'''Roni''': Oh, Henry. ''[Hugs Wish Realm Henry]''

----
:''[Weaver stands against Wish Realm Rumplestiltskin.]''
:'''Weaver''': You are the Dark One. As was I. And I know all our little secrets. Becoming the Dark One was the act of a coward, but I'm no longer that man. You are. And that weak coward will not be the Rumplestiltskin the world remembers.
:'''Wish Realm Rumplestiltskin''': So what's your plan then? Talk me to death?
:'''Weaver''': Oh, my plan is&amp;ndash; to do whatever it takes.
:'''Tilly''': No, the line of the Guardians is gone. You'll never be with Belle!
:'''Weaver''': I know that. But I also know you don't do the right thing for a reward, you do it because it's right. Now I've been selfish for too long. I've been living on stolen time. Now I will finally face the unknown.
:''[Weaver rips his heart out of his chest, puts it in Rogers' chest, and collapses, as Wish Realm Rumplestiltskin dissolves into dust.]''
:'''Wish Realm Rumplestiltskin''': ''[While dissolving into dust]'' No more Rumple?

----
:'''Roni''': ''[After being crowned &quot;The Good Queen&quot;]'' I thought my story came to an end a long time ago. And then, new people came into my life. People who gave me a second chance. I can't wait to see what's in store for me next. Well, for everyone. I refuse to believe there won't be more adventures, more love, more family. And yes, there will be more loss. Because that's just a part of life. And in the end, we can get past it all. With hope.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Jennifer Morrison|Jennifer Morrison]] - Emma Swan
* [[w:Ginnifer Goodwin|Ginnifer Goodwin]] - [[w:Snow White|Snow White]]/Mary Margaret Blanchard
* [[w:Josh Dallas|Josh Dallas]] - [[w:Prince Charming|Prince Charming]]/David Nolan
* [[w:Lana Parrilla|Lana Parrilla]] - [[w:Queen (Snow White)|The Evil Queen]]/Regina Mills
* [[w:Jared S. Gilmore|Jared S. Gilmore]] - Henry Mills
* [[w:Robert Carlyle|Robert Carlyle]] - [[w:Rumpelstiltskin|Rumplestiltskin]]/Mr. Gold
* [[w:Meghan Ory|Meghan Ory]] - [[w:Red_Riding_Hood|Red Riding Hood]]/Ruby
* [[w:Raphael Sbarge|Raphael Sbarge]] - [[w:Jiminy Cricket|Jiminy Cricket]]/Archie Hopper (Main - Season 1)
* [[w:Jamie Dornan|Jamie Dornan]] (2011-2012) - The Huntsman/Sheriff Graham
* [[w:Emilie de Ravin|Emilie de Ravin]] - Belle/Lacey
* [[w:Colin O'Donoghue|Colin O'Donoghue]] - Killian Jones/Captain Hook
* [[w:Michael Raymond-James|Michael Raymond-James]] - Baelfire/Neal Cassidy

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}} 
* {{Official website|http://abc.go.com/shows/once-upon-a-time}}
* [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1843230/ ''Once Upon a Time'' at IMDb]

[[Category:ABC shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:American drama TV shows]]
[[Category:American fantasy TV shows‎]]
[[Category:American TV shows based on children's books]]
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    <title>Hung (TV series)</title>
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'''''[[w:Hung (TV series)|Hung]]''''' (2009–2011) was an American TV show, airing on [[w:HBO|HBO]], about a middle-aged basketball coach and high school History teacher who figures out how to put his exceptional physical endowments to use and change his fortunes. Forced to find an alternative source of income after a series of unfavorable events, Ray takes on a whole new profession aided by his pimp and business partner.

== Season 1 ==
=== ''Pilot'' [1.01] ===
&lt;small&gt;Note: This episode is 45 min. in length&lt;/small&gt;

:'''Ray''': ''[voice-over]'' What happened to my life? I used to be a big deal. I used to be going somewhere. Now all I ever seem to do is try not to drown.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': I am a little shallow. But I am deep enough to admit it. I'm much deeper than people think. And I'm only shallow because I choose to be. I am a beauty queen, Ray. A homecoming, cheerleading, stupid ass beauty queen!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Floyd Gerber''': Fear. It's a common stumbling block. But the way to overcome it is to acknowledge it. Validate it. And keep on going. Damn the torpedoes!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': God, you were magical. In high school you were a king. You were beautiful and...and athletic, and talented and...and smart and popular. And hung! 
:'''Ray''': What am I now, Jessica? What am I now?! 
:'''Jessica''': Now you're just hung!

=== ''Great Sausage or Can I Call You Dick?'' [1.02] ===

:'''Tanya''': ''[referring to Lenore]'' You'll be like another product that she can recommend to her clients. I haven't talked to her yet, but I really think she might go for it. What do you think? 
:'''Ray''': I think you're insane. I think I'm insane, I think this whole plan is nuts. 
:'''Tanya''': Ray... 
:'''Ray''': I also think I'm broke, my ex-wife is up my ass, and hell, I want my kids back. So yeah, what the hell. Go for it. I always wanted to be a product when I grew up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tanya''': The point is, we have to think big. I know we might have to start with baby steps, but my goal is for us to be pulling down a couple thousand dollars a night. 
:'''Ray''': You think I'm that good? 
:'''Tanya''': Maybe if you work on your technique a little bit...a little bit. 
:'''Ray''': My technique is fine, Tanya. I've been pleasing women for decades now. You're not my only screamer.

=== ''Strange Friends or The Truth Is, You're Sexy'' [1.03] ===

:'''Tanya''': Ray, I cannot be partners with someone who hates women. 
:'''Ray''': Hey hey hey, I love women, Tanya. But Lenore is a control-freak, hickey-sucking pain in my ass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ray''': You were gonna invite that guy in for tea? 
:'''Tanya''': Sometimes tea is just tea, Ray. 
:'''Ray''': Not in your world.

=== ''The Pickle Jar'' [1.04] ===

:'''Ray''': ''[voice-over]'' I'd been a jock, student leader, professional ballplayer, an educator. Is this really the material from which male prostitutes are made?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ray''': I don't know if I really feel comfortable doing Molly. 
:'''Tanya''': Why the hell not? 
:'''Ray''': Uh, just...I...she's not really my type. 
:'''Tanya''': Not your type? What's your type, Ray? 
:'''Ray''': She's just not exactly what I was expecting. 
:'''Tanya''': What were you expecting? 
:'''Ray''': I don't know, just, you know, someone who looks like they're sexually active. 
:'''Tanya''': You mean somebody you want to be sexually active with. So insulting! Happiness Consultants does not discriminate. Not every customer is going to be some perfect big-breasted ten.

=== ''Do it, Monkey'' [1.05] ===

:'''Jemma''': Why is it so hard for you to say 'I love you'? 
:'''Ray''': Why do you want me to say it so bad? Look, I just can't help but wonder why you'd want to ruin such a perfectly beautiful moment on a perfectly beautiful beach with all this fucked up, artificial shit. I mean, what am I, a goddamn dancing monkey here?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ray''': I just wish that in some crazy, long-shot version of this universe, that you would stay here with me...and not vanish from existence from my life. 
:'''Jemma''': But Randall, I have a boyfriend. 
:'''Ray''': And I respect that. And I respectfully don't care.

=== ''Doris is Dead or Are We Rich or Are We Poor?'' [1.06] ===

:'''Ray''': ''[voice-over]'' In two years, no one came to my games. Now, here we were in the worst losing streak of my life, and my ex-wife, my two kids, and my pimp were all sitting up there, side by side.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ray''': My name's Ray. 
:'''Jemma''': More...tell me more. 
:'''Ray''': No. 
:'''Jemma''': Please? 
:'''Ray''': No. 
:'''Jemma''': I'll pay you...lots. 
:'''Ray''': What do you think I am, a whore? 
:'''Jemma''': Yeah. Yes, you're a whore.

=== ''The Rita Flower or The Indelible Stench'' [1.07] ===

:'''Ray''': Look, I'm saying, uh...I'd like to date you, Jemma. 
:'''Jemma''': So, you want me to, um, go on a real date with you and, like, then maybe I have sex with you and maybe I don't? 
:'''Ray''': Well, I think we're a little beyond the maybe part, but, uh... 
:'''Jemma''': Ah, Ray Drecker, you know when you get all soft and serious it's...it's very hard to turn you down.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ray''': ''[voice-over while making love to Jemma]'' This was it. No more bullshit. No Randall, no force-fed lines, no flat tires by the side of the road. It was just me and her making out in my tent with the wind howling outside. It felt different this time. It felt real. ''[the next morning]'' Which is why waking up next to that pile of cold hard cash felt like such a kick in the gut.

=== ''Thith ith a Prothetic or You Cum Just Right'' [1.08] ===

:'''Ray''': I just wanted to give you this. It's a letter. It's from my heart. 
:'''Jemma''': Fuck your heart. 
:'''Ray''': What? 
:'''Jemma''': Fuck your heart. 
:'''Ray''': I don't understand. 
:'''Jemma''': What don't you understand, Ray? I said fuck your heart. I paid in full. 
:'''Ray''': You paid in full. 
:'''Jemma''': Don't call me again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ray''': ''[voice-over]'' Screwing Patty was easy. Fucking isn't hard. It's the mind-fuckking you gotta watch out for. She came, and then it came to me. I had to be completely honest. I had to say everything.

=== ''This is America or Fifty Bucks'' [1.09] ===

:'''Lenore''': Stop it. 
:'''Jessica''': Stop what? 
:'''Lenore''': Stop handing out your love like you're a tenth grade slut. Stop letting your kids and your husband walk all over you. Repeat after me: I have the power. Say it. 
:'''Jessica''': Oh...uh... 
:'''Lenore''': Say it. 
:'''Jessica''': ''[quietly]'' I have the power. 
:'''Lenore''': Say it again. 
:'''Jessica''': I have the power. 
:'''Lenore''': I don't believe you. 
:'''Jessica''': ''[yelling]'' I have the mother fucking power!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Patty''': ''[referring to Ray]'' Well, having sex with that guy is like doing coke. Cause it's expensive, but you really want it, so you buy it and then you get this huge awesome rush. 
:'''Tanya''': That's a good thing, right? A huge awesome rush. 
:'''Patty''': But then you come down from your high and you're broke and you feel even lonelier and more pathetic than you did before and you wanna kill yourself. 
:'''Tanya''': So I guess you won't be interested in our bi-monthly package?

=== ''A Dick and a Dream or Fight the Honey'' [1.10] ===

:'''Lenore''': ''[referring to Tanya]'' So did you dump her? 
:'''Ray''': No. I tried, but uh...look Lenore, last time I checked, capitalism was about supply and demand. Now I've got the supply, and I've got a demand. We're gonna do this my way. Take it or leave it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ray''': ''[voice-over]'' I used to have a family. I used to have a wife, kids, a house, a job. Now, well, now I have my dick. A dick and a dream. If that's not the American way, what is?

== Season 2 ==
=== ''Tucson Is the Gateway to Dick or &quot;This is Not Sexy'' [2.02] ===

:'''Lottie''': Teenagers hate everybody. Pent-up hormones. Once they have sex, they calm down. You were a happy teenager, because you were slut.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Thomas Jane|Thomas Jane]] - Ray Drecker 
* [[w:Jane Adams (actress)|Jane Adams]] - Tanya Skagle
* [[w:Anne Heche|Anne Heche]] - Jessica Haxon
* [[w:Charlie Saxton|Charlie Saxton]] - Damon Drecker
* [[w:Sianoa Smit-McPhee|Sianoa Smit-McPhee]] - Darby Drecker
* [[w:Eddie Jemison|Eddie Jemison]] - Ronnie Haxon
* [[w:Rebecca Creskoff|Rebecca Creskoff]] - Lenore Bernard
* [[w:Gregg Henry|Gregg Henry]] - Mike Hunt
* [[w:Lennie James|Lennie James]] - Charlie
* [[w:Natalie Zea|Natalie Zea]] - Jemma

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{official|http://www.hbo.com/hung/}}
* {{imdb title|1229413|Hung}}

[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:2000s American comedy-drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American comedy-drama TV shows]]
[[Category:HBO shows]]
[[Category:Sex comedy TV shows]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>WWE Raw</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>131471</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147975</id>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-27T02:26:36Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Eaglestorm</username>
        <id>16205</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* March 26 */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="495498" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:WWE Raw|WWE RAW]]''''' (formerly '''''WWF Monday Night Raw''''', '''''WWF RAW Is WAR''''', and '''''WWF War Zone''''') is a wrestling program that has aired on Monday nights since January 11, 1993.

== 1996 ==

===February 19===
:''[after Goldust walks out on Razor Ramon during their Intercontinental Championship match, getting himself counted out but keeping his title]''
:'''Razor Ramon''' ''[taking a microphone]'': Hey yo! Cut the music! ''[his music stops]'' Everybody, listen...to me. Goldust...I don't want your belt. I want...your ass!
:''[the crowd cheers]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Well, we said it was RAW!
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': What?!
:'''Razor''': You know...I've been hearing so much about...the return, of the &quot;great one&quot;; the legend from the glory days is back. He's our new president, Roddy &quot;Rowdy&quot; Piper.
:'''Jerry''': He's been knocked senseless, McMahon.
:'''Razor''': Well Piper, I heard you say one time...that you got six kids. And that makes you &quot;Hot Rod&quot;. &quot;Well, Razor...Razor, he loves the little kids.&quot; I love the kids, and Piper, you like me, you from the streets - different neighborhoods, same streets. I don't want my kids watching this kind of stuff on TV!
:''[the crowd cheers again]''
:'''Jerry''': What's he saying, McMahon??
:'''Razor''': So Piper, the only thing missing, ''chico''...is make a match! I want Goldust, anywhere, anytime! And Goldust! And Goldust, everybody knows...that you want me! You think I'm sexy? You think I'm hot? You right! So Piper, ooh, Roddy &quot;Rowdy&quot; Piper...okay, big shot, I challenge you, you the, uh...matchmaker...make me a match. Goldust, let's have a date. YEAH!!
:'''Vince''': Razor Ramon, ladies and gentlemen, obviously wants a rematch, with Goldust, and I'm not too sure that he's overly concerned with the title!

===May 27===
:'''Vince McMahon''': Alright, standing by, a very unhappy Ted DiBiase. Mr. DiBiase, you're not very happy at all with the latest turn of events, are you?
:'''[[w:Ted DiBiase|Ted DiBiase]]''': ''[with Stone Cold Steve Austin]'' No, I'm not happy at all, McMahon. To say that Savio Vega's victory last night was a fluke, is an understatement. I mean, the lights were out. Who knows how many times Savio Vega touched the turnbuckles. What I'm saying is, there's no way on his best day Savio Vega defeats Stone Cold Steve Austin...
:'''Vince''': Well, you were counting on Savio being your chauffeur; that did not happen, and Savio Vega was victorious. Now, the rematch has been signed for tomorrow night, and again, it's going to be a Caribbean Strap match, and I would suggest that you still want Savio to...well, that provision, you still want to challenge him, do you?
:'''Ted''': I want to sweeten the pie, McMahon.
:'''Vince''': Sweeten the pie?
:'''Ted''': Savio Vega, you keep that stipulation in there, 'cause you're gonna be my chauffeur. And I'll tell you what. I'm so confident that this man is gonna beat you tomorrow night that I'll put a stipulation in there. If Steve Austin, if Stone Cold Steve Austin doesn't beat you tomorrow night, Savio Vega, the &quot;Million Dollar Man&quot; Ted DiBiase will forfeit his career! I will leave the World Wrestling Federation! Did you hear me, McMahon?! Did you hear me, Vega?! I will leave the World Wrestling Federation!

=== September 23 ===
:'''[[w:Jim Ross|Jim Ross]]:''' In just a couple of minutes, I'm going to bring Big Daddy Cool, [[w:Kane (wrestler)|Diesel]] and [[w:Rick Bognar|Razor Ramon]] right out here. But before I do, I'd like to beg your indulgence for just a minute and tell you something I got on my mind. There's something I've been wanting to say for a long long time. And when I'm through telling you, many of you are going to question my loyalty to the [[W:World Wrestling Entertainment|World Wrestling Federation]] so let's clear that up right now. I have no loyalty to the World Wrestling Federation, I only got loyalty to good ol' J.R., and let me tell you why. In 1993, I left a great job in Atlanta, Georgia, and I left the [[w:Atlanta Falcons|Atlanta Falcons]] of the [[w:National Football League|National Football League]] to go to the recognized leader of sports entertainment, the WWF. I came here to be the primary play-by-play man in the WWF. I don't think anybody here is going to disagree that I am the best play-by-play man in the whole damn business! So I show up for work the first day at [[w:WrestleMania IX|WrestleMania IX]] in Las Vegas, Nevada, and they give me a sheet to wear. They said, &quot;Oh it's going to be a toga. You'll look good in a toga, J.R.&quot; I leave the National Football League for a toga. It's crap! And then, ladies and gentlemen, I go to the first [[w:King of the Ring (1993)|King of the Ring]] in Dayton, Ohio, and I guarantee you, you listen to that broadcast, I carried the broadcast from ringside. And then did you ever wonder where ol' J.R. went to? Why doesn't ol' J.R. do play-by-play anymore? Let me tell you why. Because the egotistical owner of the World Wrestling Federation—and you know who I'm talking about, I'm talking about Vince McMahon—couldn't stand the competition. So J.R. disappeared. And then on [[w:Super Bowl XXVIII|Super Bowl Sunday of 1994]], I woke up with an affliction called [[w:Bell's Palsy|Bell's Palsy]], and my entire left side of my face looked like it had a stroke. You think I like that? You think I like that my left eye doesn't open all the way because I got sick? Well, let me tell you how warm-hearted Mr. McMahon is. Mr. McMahon called me into his office on February 11th, 1994, and he fired my ass! So I get back in my car and I drive into my home in that overpriced hellhole Connecticut, and I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to tell my wife and my two little girls that their daddy had just got fired. And so then, remember when McMahon got indicted? They needed somebody to come back and do ''Raw''? They called up J.R. and then they let me go again. So finally they called me back, hired me back for fifty cents on the dollar to come back and work for the front office. Do you think that all these guys leaving the WWF was an accident? Hell no, it's not! You think all these guys coming here was an accident? Absolutely not, I've been very busy. And right now, I want to bring back one of your favorites. He's the Bad Guy, Razor Ramon!

===November 11===
:''[Brian Pillman is being interviewed by Vince McMahon and Kevin Kelly at the Pillman house while Stone Cold Steve Austin is out looking for him]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Notwithstanding the bravado, do you feel like a hostage? Do you feel like a hostage in your own home? 
:'''Brian Pillman''': Hah. Steve is a dead man walking, because when Austin 3:16 meets Pillman ''[draws and slides pistol on camera to everybody's shock]'' nine-millimeter Glock...
:'''Kevin Kelly''': Oh my God, oh my God!
:'''Pillman''': ...I'm gonna blast his sorry ass straight to hell!!

== 1997 ==

=== January 20 ===
:''[Bret Hart comes into the ring at the start of the show]''
:'''[[w:Bret Hart|Bret Hart]]''': There's something I gotta say!
:'''[[w:Jerry Lawler|Lawler]]''': What's he doing out here?
:'''Bret Hart''': There's something I gotta say to you! ''[Points at Vince]'' You know, when I decided to come back to the World Wrestling Federation, you promised me that I would get an opportunity to fight for the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt. You put me in the ring with [[w:Stone Cold Steve Austin|Stone Cold Steve Austin]] and said that if I could beat Stone Cold Steve Austin, that I would be the number one contender for the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt. Now don't you think it's just a little bit convenient that for some stupid reason, [[w:Shawn Michaels|Shawn Michaels]] finds himself out at ringside announcing in my World Championship match with [[w:Sid Eudy|Sycho Sid]]? I don't think it was any kind of a coincidence either. So Shawn Michaels jumps up and sticks his nose in my business and costs me the World Wrestling Federation Championship Belt with blatant interference. The Boy Toy costs me the championship and they go, &quot;Oh that's okay. Don't worry about it, cause now you can go in the [[w:Royal Rumble (1997)|Royal Rumble]] and you only have to fight 29 other guys and then you'll get your opportunity for the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt.&quot; So I went in the ring, and it's very, very clear to me that I won the Royal Rumble and I should be getting a World Wrestling Federation Championship bout. Where is my opportunity? You know, the way I look at things right now, I've been screwed by Shawn Michaels the Boy Toy, I've been screwed by Stone Cold Steve Austin, I've been screwed by the World Wrestling Federation, and I've been screwed by you! (Vince) I don't like to make idle threats, but the way I see things, it doesn't look like I'm going to get my opportunity for a shot at the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt. So I quit! (slams the microphone down.)

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steve Austin''': You gonna get me a piece of equipment that works, son, or do I have to whip your ass? Bret Hart, you can sit there and bellyache and complain with the best of them, son. Ever since you came back, you ain't done nothing but cry! You sit there and talk about how Vince screwed you, how everybody screwed you, how I screwed you. The bottom line is, son, when the going gets tough, the Harts get going back home! Knock it off! Go on back to Canada, son, because the only person you can possibly beat is your wrinkled up old man in his little old basement. You talk about being jerked around, I've been jerked around for seven years, and then I get here. I'm supposed to face Sycho Sid tonight and some guy, a 350-pound buffoon that calls himself Gorilla Monsoon the commissioner says, &quot;No, no. Sycho Sid is at home with a concussion.&quot; Sycho Sid may be at home with a concussion and an ice pack on his head, but he's also got a yellow stripe running right down the middle of his back. As far as Gorilla Monsoon goes, I got a big bunch of bananas and I can tell you where to stick each and every one of them. You want me to face [[w:The Undertaker|The Undertaker]], you can bring his dead ass out here, because I threw him over the top rope last night, and I'll do the exact same thing right now, so bring him out, I got something for him!

=== March 3 ===
:''[Vince is showing footage of the Final Four where Stone Cold Steve Austin inadvertently helped Bret Hart win the WWF Title, and later where he hit Bret with a steel chair, causing Sycho Sid to win the title the next night.]''
:'''Vince''': Your response? Do you show any remorse, whatsoever, for your actions?
:'''Steve Austin''': The only remorse I got is that I didn't hit him harder with that steel chair! Bret Hart runs around talkin' about everybody's screwin' him. Hell, for the past 7 years, I've been screwed, and it's the same old song! How come when Shawn Michaels hurts his knee, you make a video out of him? How come when Shawn Michaels gets sick, you tell the world that he's got the FLU?! Well, when I went to the Final Four, I was sick as a dog, and I had a blown out knee! Let me ask you a question: How many one-legged people can go 25 minutes with 3 of the top wrestlers in the world? NONE! Stone Cold Steve Austin went out there, and did just that! And I ain't making fun of no one-legged people, I'm sittin' here just tryin' to make a point. As far as I'm concerned, I truly am the World Wrestling Federation Champion, and can't nobody tell me different! Not you, or ANYBODY! As far as the Submission Match, it's a buncha bull! Bret Hart, he's supposed to be the big technician, the Sharpshooter. BIG DEAL! I don't know a whole lotta couple of submission moves, but it doesn't matter, because I'll beat the hell outta Bret Hart! And as far as Ken Shamrock says on TV the other day; &quot;Oh, I don't know. Bret Hart's the better technician, but Stone Cold ain't got no quit in him.&quot; Well, you hit the nail right on the head, son, because I ain't got no quit in me at all! And you can bet your bottom dollar that Stone Cold ain't gonna look at the referee and say &quot;I quit! I submit! I've had too much!&quot; There ain't NOBODY... there ain't NOBODY in wrestling who can make me QUIT! And that's the bottom line, 'cuz Stone Cold SAYS SO!
:'''Vince''': Why of all this... why are you so bitter? Why this bitterness?!
:'''Steve Austin''': You treat me like a dog, and you expect me to SMILE? You remind me of a jackass!

=== March 17 ===
:''[Bret Hart has just lost a WWF title cage match with Sycho Sid]''
:'''Jim Ross''': We're back here ladies and gentlemen, a few more moments and Vince McMahon is going talk to a very, obviously a very consumate Bret Hart.
:'''Vince''': Bret Hart, you've got to be terribly frustrated. Extremely frustrated over what has just happened.
:''[Bret shoves Vince down and takes the mike]''
:'''Lawler:''' WHOA!!
:'''Bret Hart:''' FRUSTRATED ISN'T THE GODDAMN WORD FOR IT!! THIS IS BULLSHIT!!!
:'''Jim Ross:''' We apologize, ladies and gentlemen.
:'''Bret Hart:''' You screwed me, everybody's screwed me and nobody does a goddamn thing about it! Nobody in the building cares, nobody in the dressing room cares, so much goddamn injustice around here, I've had it up to here!!
:'''Jim Ross:''' We apologize ladies and gentlemen.
:'''Bret Hart:''' Everybody knows it! I know it! Everybody knows it! I should be the World Wrestling Federation Champion!
:'''Lawler:''' Get him out of the ring!
:'''Bret Hart:''' Everybody just keeps turning a blind eye! You keep turning a blind eye to it! I got that [[w:Gorilla Monsoon|Gorilla Monsoon]], he turns a blind eye to it! Everybody in that goddamn dressing room knows that I am the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be!
:'''Lawler:''' Cut him off!
:'''Bret Hart:''' And if you don't like it, tough shit!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steve Austin:''' Conspiracy my ass Bret! All you want to do anytime you go in the ring is cry like a baby! I tried to go out there and help you and you threw it all away because you're a loser! It could have been you and me for the championship at [[w:WrestleMania 13|WrestleMania]], but you blew the whole damn thing because you're a loser! At WrestleMania, you will quit and one of these days when it's you and me for the title, you're looking at the next champ. AND THERE AIN'T NOTHIN' YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!
:'''Bret Hart:''' (As Austin begins saying &quot;At WrestleMania,...&quot;) You know why they call you Stone Cold? Because your stones are so cold, you won't come out here and step in the ring with me myself! You always got to jump me from behind! You haven't got the guts to come out here! Come on!! Everybody knows whether it's Sycho Sid, ''[Sid comes out]'' If you think for one second that that belt belongs to you, you are wrong! It is my belt. You know it, I know it and everybody in this building knows it!
:'''Sid:''' I don't know shit, crybaby!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[as Bret Hart brawls with Steve Austin and Undertaker brawls with Sid]''
:'''Vince''': Bret Hart has snapped! Bret Hart thought for sure he would be the WWF champion and there's no conspiracy! Bret Hart, ladies and gentlemen is talking about a conspiracy. There is no conspiracy at all, only in his head and it's sad that a man as great as Bret Hart has resorted to this! This is not what we've talked about! This is not the legacy of Bret Hart! Not this! Not this bawling! Not this whining! Not this crying!
:''[officials pull Bret away from Austin]''
:'''Lawler''': You're right! He's snapped McMahon! He's lost it! Get him out of here, drag him out!
:''[Bret nails Pat Patterson and goes back to Austin]''
:'''Vince''': OH HE JUST HIT, HE JUST HIT HALL OF FAMER PAT PATTERSON!! THAT DIRTY ROTTEN SON OF A...!!

=== March 24 ===

:'''Vince''': Ladies and gentlemen, joining us now, yes, from the ultimate fighting war... ''world'', rather, yes, it is war, for sure. There is Ken Shamrock, and Mr. Shamrock, in your officiating last night, firstly, why did you stop the match?
:'''Ken Shamrock''': Well, you know, I was in the match, and Steve Austin was in a great deal of pain even throughout the whole match. I asked him several times; he did not respond. As far as I could see, he was unconscious, I had to stop the match in order to protect his body because he was in severe, severe shape. So that is why I stopped the fight.
:'''Vince''': Alright, but you did not hear him say the words, &quot;I quit,&quot; did you? You did not hear him say the words, &quot;I quit,&quot; did you?
:'''Ken''': No, the words weren't said, &quot;I quit,&quot; but when a man goes unconscious and he cannot protect himself properly, that is why I was hired to do this match: was to make sure one man won. There was no cheating around, there was no holds here. And therefore, when Steve Austin passed out, he could not protect himself. So therefore, that is why I stopped the fight.
:'''Vince''': Alright, but then, as he could not protect himself, &quot;The Hitman&quot; Bret Hart, after the match was officially over, went back and attacked Stone Cold Steve Austin.
:'''Ken''': Yes, he did. And, you know, throughout the match there, there was a lot of dishing out pain going on in there, but one of the things that I guess I had to step in on was because after Stone Cold was on the mat, he was passed out and really could not protect himself, the reason why I stopped the match, Bret Hart decided to take it upon himself to go in there and put more pain upon him. And from what I could see, he was trying to end Stone Cold Steve Austin's career. I had to step in and stop that.
:'''Vince''': Indeed. Well, the Hitman wanted no part of you, no doubt about that. Let me ask you, as far as your opinion of Stone Cold Steve Austin. What is your opinion of him as far as last night' match is concerned?
:'''Ken''': Well, you know, particularly... me and Steve Austin have had some harsh words in the past. I particularly really don't care for him much. But there's one thing you cannot take from this man. Let me tell you, he went through a lot of pain, and there was no quit in that man. He kept fighting and fighting. You got to give him that, he is one tough character. I've seen a lot of tough people going through my life, going through the no holds barred competitions, and this guy is by far one of the toughest guys that I've seen.
:'''Vince''': All right, thank you very much for joining us.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bret Hart''': First of all, I wanna apologize. I'd like to apologize to all my fans over in Germany. I'd like to apologize to all my fans over in Great Britain. Actually, I like to apologize to all my fans all over Europe. All over Japan and the far east. I like to apologize to my fans in the middle east. All the way as far down as South Africa. And I especially like to apologize for all my great fans in Canada.

:And to you, my great fans across the United States of America...to you, I apologize for nothing! You know, it seems real strange to me that no matter how much I try that when I beat Stone Cold Steve Austin to a bloody pulp, I thought to myself, no matter how much I win, when I walked back to the dressing room. The way you American fans treat me across the United States of America, I feel like I lost. I mean I took a gutless creep like Stone Cold Steve Austin and beat him to a bloody pulp, even though he knows, and you all know that he lost, you cheer him on the way back to the dressing room like he won!

:You know it didn't just start right here. Let's go back to WrestleMania last year when I was the World Wrestling Federation Champion. When that belt was around my waist and where it belonged. You cheered on a pretty boy like Shawn Michaels and you allowed him to screw me out of the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt. I found myself sitting at home watching the WWF on TV in Canada and saying to myself, &quot;The World Wrestling Federation needs a hero, they need a role model. They need someone to look up to.&quot; Not somebody who has earrings all over himself and tattoos. Not somebody who poses for girly magazines. By the way, I don't think it was a girly magazine, I think it was a gay magazine! So I felt this calling to come back to set the record straight and clean up the World Wrestling Federation. So I came back in the Survivor Series and I beat Stone Cold Steve Austin there and I think I garnered a little bit of respect. Then I found myself stepping in the ring with Sycho Sid and your hero, your pride and joy Shawn Michaels costs me the World Wrestling Federation championship belt. Nobody cared! Nobody did anything about it! You people didn't do anything about it.

:They say &quot;Oh, don't worry about that. You can get in line with 29 other guys and you can go in the Royal Rumble.&quot; So being the man that I am, I got no problem fighting 29 other guys. So I went in the Royal Rumble, and I won. I was the last legal man standing in the Royal Rumble. But again, everyone just turns their back on it. You somehow justify in your minds that Stone Cold Steve Austin won. You know, a better man would've quit. Maybe I should have quit and gone home.
:'''Vince''': You did Bret, that's what you threatened.
:'''Bret Hart''': I got Gorilla Monsoon and Vince McMahon on their hands and knees begging me to come back. &quot;Don't quit! Think of your fans.&quot; Well, I thought of my fans and I came back. And they come up with this idea for the Final Four. The winner of the Final Four will get a World Wrestling Federation title fight at WrestleMania 13. That sounds good to me. So I accept, I came back. Then all of a sudden, your champion, your hero, Shawn Michaels comes up with this life ending, career ending knee injury and he forfeits the title so he can go home and find his smile. But that's okay, you people think that that's just fine. I see people in the audience crying for that. You talk about me crying. So I go into the Final Four with the outcome now being that whoever wins the Final Four will now be the World Wrestling Federation Champion. And who won the Final Four? I did. Right in the middle of the ring, I defeated three other guys in one night. I defeated Vader, I defeated Stone Cold Steve Austin, and I defeated the Undertaker, and I became the World Wrestling Federation Champion for a fourth time. Then they come up to me and go &quot;Well wait a minute! You don't get to rest even though you fought three other guys, even though you're beat up and sore. You got to go in the ring and fight 6'9&quot; Sycho Sid, and defend the title.&quot; Do you think I ran and hid? Do you think and found me forfeiting any titles? NO! I put the title on the line and I took Sycho Sid and I tied him in a big knot right in the middle of the ring. There he was in the Sharpshooter after being booed all the way through the match by my American wrestling fans, you somehow justify, only in America you can do this, Stone Cold Steve Austin climbs into the ring and whacks me in the back of the head with a chair. Somehow, you justify that that's okay, that's acceptable in America.

:So I ask, or as you see it, I cried to Gorilla Monsoon. I asked and I begged and I pleaded and I said &quot;Give me Stone Cold Steve Austin. Give me a match with this guy who seems to be making my life a miserable hell.&quot; So I got Stone Cold Steve Austin and they agree to a match, a submission match. And then they go, &quot;Wait, we have some even better news for you. We will give you Sycho Sid in a 15-foot high steel cage match and no one will be able to interfere in that and you will have your shot at the World Wrestling Federation championship belt because we respect you.&quot; Well in that match, outside interference played a big factor again and somehow for some reason, The Undertaker is out there and he finds himself slamming my head in the door and he costs me the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt for the 5th time.

:So I got one thing on my mind. After being screwed over by everybody in the World Wrestling Federation, after being abandoned by all you good fans right here in the United States of America, I decide that I'm going to go into this submission match with Stone Cold Steve Austin and give him every bit of what he deserves, just a good old fashioned ass whipping. And so when I do it, when I actually take that lousy stinking hyena Stone Cold Steve Austin and beat him to a bloody pulp, you somehow find it in your hearts to abandon me and cheer for him.

:You know, I've proven myself so many times in the World Wrestling Federation and I've tried to be everything that you wanted me to be that it seems to me that you don't understand. You don't understand what it means to have dignity, to have poise, to bring prestige to the World Wrestling Federation, to be a man that brings a little class. Because you rather cheer for heroes like Charles Manson and O.J Simpson. Nobody glorifies criminal conduct like the Americans do and all the countries around the world, they still respect what's right and what's wrong. Respect. Now that we made everything real clear with ourselves tonight, it's obvious to me that all you wrestling fans coast to coast, you don't respect me. Well the fact is, I don't respect you. You don't deserve it. So from here on in, the American wrestling fans coast to coast can KISS MY ASS!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Shawn Michaels comes out to the ring]''
:'''Shawn Michaels''': Yo, Hitman! Let's get one thing perfectly straight. You can come out here and say whatever you want about me. Everyone does. And you don't have to explain to me or the World Wrestling Federation that you would never give up the WWF title because no one knows better than me or the WWF that it takes a hand written note from the lord almighty to take that belt from you. But Bret, what you don't understand is just because I come out here and choose to live my life openly and freely instead of putting a facade like you does not make a you a better man Bret. I am well aware of my faults. I can admit them up and down the line. And as far as Steve Austin is concerned, Bret, I was there last night. He didn't give up, alright? Now I'm no fan of Steve Austin but he passed out and even you have to admit somewhere in there, there's gotta be some of the old Hit Man left, even you have to admit that he is one tough S.O.B. Now Bret, I have tried and tried and tried to take the high road and I am in no shape to wrestle and I know, you're tougher than me blahblahblah, whole thing. I admit that, that's fine. I don't have to be number one Bret. I don't obsess like you do. I do it because I like it. You do this because in your mind, marked man, you really think that all of this is yours! Now what you need to understand is that every time they reach into their pocket to watch you, me or anybody else is that they have the right to cheer or boo anybody that they want! Now, hey, you don't have to tell me &quot;They're cheering me now.&quot; But they've booed me before. But you didn't see me getting all bent out of shape about it. You wanna know why Bret? It's because in this country, we something that's called the first amendment. And that amendment allows us to live our lives as we sit fit as long as it's causing harm to no one. If that guy there wants to stick a belly button piercing through his navel he can do it whether you like it or not! If that girl over there chooses to go out with someone you don't you approve of, &quot;Tough kitty&quot; said the kittie if she's going to do it! Now I'm going to get on my high and mighty roller coaster Bret. But you my friend, you gotta look at this, I'm in no shape to go. But if you want to go? What the hell? Let's go now.
:'''Vince''': Don't tell me. Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels. Shawn is in no condition to wrestle here.
:'''Lawler''': Then what's he doing out there.
:'''Vince''': Because he's got more guts than brains.
:'''Lawler''': Right.
:'''Shawn Michaels''': Do you know something? We've got a saying in the United States in American and it's called &quot;America, Love it or Leave it!&quot;
:'''Bret Hart''': Shawn Michaels, Boy Toy, I think you should go back to the dressing room, get the hell out of my face.
:'''Shawn Michaels''': You know me, Bret, I'm not real good with authority. By the way, how did you know I was in that girly magazine? You couldn't help yourself, could you? You had to flip through the pages just a little bit!
:''[Bret attacks Shawn in the injured knee and puts him in the figure four around the ring post.]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Bret comes back out to do commentary during the Rocky Maivia/Leif Cassidy match-up]''
:'''Vince''': What has made you snap, Bret Hart?
:'''Bret Hart''': I haven't snapped, I just opened my eyes.
:'''Vince''': What?!
:'''Bret Hart''': I call it opening my eyes! Why don't you open yours? Everybody in this building, they sit here and they cheer on Stone Cold Steve Austin, all these guys that set no example for anybody anywhere. And they have the nerve to actually cheer these guys on? Undertaker, there's a great role model. You know, I've had it up to here; I think people should open their eyes. I was the guy going to the ring every night wearing a white hat, trying to be a good person. Trying to be someone they could look up to.
:'''Vince''': ''[As Shawn Michaels is shown being carried to an ambulance.]'' There's a good person. Look what you just did, Shawn Michaels.
:'''Bret Hart''': Hey, I didn't ask him to come to the ring! I was trying to make a point and that is the point right there. Look at the screen, that is the point. I've had it up to here! Understand? Very simple.
:'''Vince''': I think we do. But again, I don't understand the logic. I don't understand why you're throwing away your legacy! You're throwing it away! You're flushing your legacy down the toilet, Bret!
:'''Bret Hart''': I didn't flush any legacy down any toilet. My toilet was flushed by all these people right here in this building. Not just in this building, but every building that I've wrestled in in the last three or four months. The only place I went to where I got a little respect was in Germany or England. Everywhere else-- or Canada. But in the United States of America, little kids holding up signs going &quot;You suck!&quot; You know what? I don't suck, they do!
:'''Vince''': It's almost as if you're at war with yourself.
:'''Bret Hart''': No, I'm not at war. Hey I feel like I got a million pounds off my chest. You want to see bad? I'll show you bad. Bad is something that you have never seen the likes of. You want to talk about wickedly bad? I'll show you wickedly bad! ''[runs into the ring and attacks Rocky Maivia]''

===June 30===
:'''Paul Bearer''': &quot;Well, we're gonna have to go back a few years, Mr. McMahon. About 20 years to be exact. We're talking about a little funeral home, sitting up on a hill – beautiful old trees all around – and a wonderful, wonderful family-owned funeral home. The family lived upstairs. The father was a mortician who ran the funeral home. The mother was the secretary, the receptionist. But there were two little kids there. One kid was a little red headed punk. And then there was a second kid – a sweet little kid named Kane. Now I was the apprentice at the funeral home. I worked under the red headed punk's father, who by now you properly know as The Undertaker. The Undertaker's father was a mortician of excellence. He told me everything I know. He told me the correct way to prepare a body for burial, how to do the make-up, how to deal with the families. He told me from A to Z. But while I was working on the funeral home, I've seen a lot of things going on, that shouldn't been happening.

:This little red-headed punk, there was nothing funny about him. He had a look in his eye – the look of the devil! It was the devil's see if you know what I mean. What was so sad about the whole situation, is that poor little Kane, the little brother followed The Undertaker around everywhere he went. The Undertaker was little Kane's hero. Anything The Undertaker did was fine. It went on for about two years, my apprenticeship. I was at the college that night taking courses at Mortuary Science at the same time. The Undertaker and Kane would run around the funeral home like wild men. They had three reigning properties. They'd sneak out behind the garage. I'd see what they were doing. Their mom and daddy wouldn't see what they were doing but I saw what they were doing. I saw them, taking chemicals out of the embalming room in that funeral home. I saw them sneaking behind the garage, smoking cigarettes - when they were little kids.

:But you know, one particular afternoon I was leaving to go to school. As I backed my car out of the funeral home, I looked behind and who do I see? That red head devil-seen Undertaker with his little brother. Something wasn't funny – it ain't. Something didn't seem right. But I went ahead and to the drive way, went to school. I came back from school about ten o'clock that night. And what do I see? I see fire trucks. I see ambulance. I see steam and smoke and I see that funeral home in ashes. Someone burnt down the funeral home. Inside that funeral home was this lovely family that took care of me. I looked over to the bushes. Who did I see in the bushes but The Undertaker? Undertaker, you burnt the funeral home to the ground. And along with the funeral home, you killed your parents. You killed your family, Undertaker! I know it. I've had to stick that on my inside all my life – 20 years. You've killed them. Undertaker, you are a MURDERER! YOU ARE A MURDERER! YOU'RE A GOD-DAMN MURDERER!

=== July 7 ===
:'''Bret Hart''': A few weeks ago, I was told ‘America: love it or leave it.’ Well, I’ve traveled all around the world, I’ve been all over the United States of America, and the one thing that I’ve in particular looked forward to is loving leaving it!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[after Stone Cold Steve Austin defeats Hunter Hearst Helmsley thanks to interference from Mankind, whom Helmsley hit in the head with a steel chair. Austin grabs a microphone]''
:'''Jim Ross''': This could be damning.
:'''Vince McMahon''': I hope he doesn’t say anything to the Canadians.
:'''Steve Austin''': Get your ass up, you long-haired freak!
:'''McMahon''': He’s talking - he’s talking to, to Mankind.
:'''Austin''': There ain’t no way one chair can keep your ass down, get in the ring! ''[Mankind crawls into the ring]'' You come out here every week, saying “Pick me, Steve! Pick me, Steve!”. I’ll lay it on the line for you, you piece of trash: I don’t like you one bit! But I’ll damn sure go to war with you, if that’s what you want. All you gotta do is shake my hand, and we’re a tag team.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Whoa!
:'''Ross''': Well, I guess the man with the personality of a rattlesnake is softening a little bit.
:'''Lawler''': Finally Mankind gets what he wants!
:'''Ross''': All Mankind ever wanted was to be accepted.
:''[Mankind outstretches his arms]''
:'''Lawler''': He don’t want a handshake, he wants a hug!
:''[Mankind and Austin share a big hug]''
:'''McMahon''': I can’t believe it. Another moment in the WWF. Mankind, now a partner - ''[suddenly Austin gives Mankind the Stone Cold Stunner]'' - oh!
:'''Ross''': No! No! Not the Stunner! Damn him!
:'''Austin''': DTA, you stupid piece of trash! Don’t ever trust nobody! You ain’t gonna be my partner, never, ‘cause you’re a long-haired freak, and you suck! ''[drops the microphone and raises his arms for the crowd]''
:'''McMahon''': My! Can’t believe that!
:''[Austin leaves the ring and walks up the ramp to the cheers of the crowd]''
:'''Ross''': Well, if you’d like to have a pet rattlesnake, I’ll give you Austin’s phone number!
:'''McMahon''': Thank you, no. This capacity crowd-
:'''Mankind''' ''[grabbing the microphone]'': Austin! Austin!! I was just looking for a little bit of respect. I was looking for a friend, and you’ve ruined that all!!
:'''Austin''' ''[from the top of the entrance ramp, grinning]'': Damn right!
:'''Mankind''': So it’s become very apparent, that drastic measures will be taken! Because, next week, well, I’m going to have to do something I never thought I’d do again. ''[Austin leaves]'' And it will become very obvious that the World Wrestling Federation will never be the same! Steve Austin, ''you'' will never be the same! And without a doubt next week, Mankind...will NEVER BE THE SAME!!! ''[whimpers]''

=== August 4 ===

:'''Vince''': Well, I guess maybe that pretty much tells you something - a mixed reaction by this capacity crowd. And there is no doubt whether you did your job or you didn't do your job, but if it haven't had been for you, the Undertaker might still be the World Wrestling Federation Champion.
:'''Shawn''': So let me get this straight. You, the Undertaker, Bret &quot;The Hitman&quot; Hart and — the best that I can tell — all of the fans of the World Wrestling Federation are dumpin' this in my lap!
:'''Vince''': I don't know if that's necessarily fair...
:'''Shawn''': Shut up! Because you know something? It's just like you, it's just like Bret Hart and whether anybody in this arena likes it or not, it's just like all the fans of the World Wrestling Federation to not take responsibility for themselves and pass the buck on to the Heartbreak Kid because everybody knows I don't give a damn what anybody thinks of me! Shut up!
:I went out there last night, for the first time in my career put on a referee's shirt and did one hell of a job. I called it down the middle. Right or wrong?
:'''Vince''': Yes, you did.
:'''Shawn''': Exactly.
:'''Vince''': May I ask you a pertinent question, please?
:'''Shawn''': Yeah, cough it up!
:'''Vince''': Alright, it's on a lot of people's minds. It's something like this — it's controversial as it always is: Are you in any way in cahoots with Bret Hart? As preposterous as that may sound, a lot of people are wondering that.
:'''Shawn''': You know, I've always known you are a nimrod, but now you have convinced me that you are the dumbest sonofabitch I've ever met in my life.
:'''Vince''': Well, first of all, I don't appreciate that. Let's get that straight, okay?
:'''Shawn''': Ooohh, shoot me while I shudder in my loafers, McMahon!
:'''Vince''': Well you just might be shuddering come September 7, when you step into this ring with the Undertaker. That's when you gonna be shuddering! You can take this here.
:'''Shawn''': Get your ass out of here! ''[Vince leaves]'' You can move it or lose it, McMahon! Let me tell everybody what the story is. I am not in any way, shape or form in cahoots with Bret Hart. It is no secret that Bret Hart doesn't like me, Bret Hart doesn't respect me, but one thing is for damn sure, Bret Hart needs me! Because I am the only man in the World Wrestling Federation that has beat his ass! And that is the truth!
:And Undertaker... Undertaker, you and I, for as long as we've been in the World Wrestling Federation have never crossed paths. EXCEPT FOR NOW!
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' Michaels sucks!
:'''Shawn''': Oh, I'm gonna tell you people something. Undertaker, the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels lays down for absolutely no one! I don't do it for Bret Hart, I don't do it for you, I don't do it for the fans of the World Wrestling Federation, I don't do it for anybody. Undertaker, the next time you see Shawn Michaels, his Super...
:'''Crowd''': You suck!
:'''Shawn''': Ten years! Ten years I've given you, and this is the respect that you give me. Each and everyone of you can go to hell! Undertaker, the next time you'll see me, my Superkick is gonna be one foot down your throat!

=== August 18 ===

:'''Jim Ross''': Steve, I want to thank you for allowing us to come to your hotel room here, I know you've got a very busy and a very crucial 24-hour period here in Philadelphia, seeing a specialist tomorrow about your neck, but thanks for giving us a little of your time.
:'''Steve Austin''': Well you're welcome for the time, but if you're here to ask a bunch of questions, you might as well start asking, otherwise I'll throw your ass out the window. And to come to the hotel room, this ain't a hotel room that I would stay at! You know, when I got hurt at SummerSlam, when I got dumped on my head, no one called me and said, &quot;Hey, Steve, you okay?&quot; No one ever sent a card, nothin' like that. Not that I would expect it, but at least I would have, you know, maybe a call just to see what the hell's goin' on with the hottest damn wrestler in the world, but I got nothin'! So the WWF sees fit to put me in a room like this, with all this fruit and trash like this, you want a pear? ''[Starts tossing fruit at Jim Ross]'' You want an apple? You want a banana  or somethin'? Here, make yourself at home, man! ''[Austin tosses the entire fruit basket at Ross]'' But if you got questions to ask, you go ahead and ask 'em, 'cause I'm gettin' a little tired of you!
:'''Jim Ross''': I'd like you to address three things, if you don't mind.
:'''Steve Austin''': Sure.
:'''Jim Ross''': One is SummerSlam, your paralysis after being driven in the mat from the Tombstone by Owen Hart; the second thing is what the doctors have told you; and thirdly, and lastly, what you perceive your future to be here in the WWF.
:'''Steve Austin''': Well, let's start with SummerSlam. The bottom line is I'm the Intercontinental Champion. Right?
:'''Jim Ross''': Right.
:'''Steve Austin''': Well, that's that. But aside from that, at the end of the match, close to the end of the match when Owen Hart dumped me on my head - you figure I weight 245, 250, bam, you get planted in the mat, shit happens! And that's, for basically about 50 seconds there, I couldn't move my arms or my legs, and I didn't know if I ever would move again! It felt pretty damn scary, so, um, you know, I'm through with that, looking past that, I've watched that on tape probably 30 or 40 times and it still sucks every time I see it! But I'm over it, and I'm movin' around, and I'm happy about that! But Owen Hart has got hell to pay! You get dumped on your head, you get in the position that I was put in, it ain't worth a damn. And I, I'm just, uh, a little bit pissed off No, I'm not a little pissed off, I'm a whole lot pissed off, but you know what they say, it's better to be pissed off than pissed on. But Owen Hart's got hell to pay when I come back, and as you say, you've got another question, what was the other question?
:'''Jim Ross''': The doctors, you've seen several doctors...
:'''Steve Austin''': I've seen a couple of doctors, and one guy said, uh, uh, &quot;Maybe you should do something else.&quot; Well, Steve Austin doesn't do anything else, what I do is wrestle, and I'm the best wrestler in the world, and can't nobody tell me different! So I'm supposed to see the top guy, uh, the top spine guy in the country tomorrow here in Philadelphia, and see what he has to say, and it doesn't matter really what he says, the end result, the decision's mine! He can sit there and say, &quot;Don't do this, try not to do this,&quot; whatever, but the bottom line is I'm the one that makes the decision, so I'll sit there, rethink things, and go from there. But regardless of what he says, Owen Hart's got hell to pay! You know, when you do something to...when you do what he did to me, you know, if it's my last step in life, you can damn well bet he's gonna get the shit kicked out of him one way or the other, and that's it. You know, I don't know when, where or how, or what, but it's gonna happen.
:As far as my future - don't sit there and try to butt in because I'm talkin', right? Okay, as far as my future goes, hell, like I said, I'll listen to what the doctor says, but I'm gonna do what I want. The future for Steve Austin, as far as I'm concerned, is to put on his black trunks and black boots and show up. Im'ma take a few days off, I'll probably take a few weeks off, because, you know, when you're sittin' there at the house, you watch a film of, uh, you gettin' paralyzed for another 50 seconds, you watch that 30 or 40 times, you know, it kinda, you get a little depressed! So I drank a few cases of beer, I'll tell you exactly what I did. I just ride around in my Ford, drink a few beers and sit there and think about it. But, uh, I'm gonna go see this doctor and see what he has to say, and, but as far as I'm concerned, the only way I can see my future is to be Stone Cold Steve Austin, continue on right through the top in the WWF, just like I've done since I've been here! All the damn bureaucratic red tape, all the bullshit I've been through, it's taken me eight years to get where I'm at right now! If you think for one split second that a piledriver's gonna stop me, it ain't gonna happen. Did it slow me down? Damn right, but it ain't gonna stop me. Ground Zero, Sub-Zero, whatever the hell you wanna call it, Louisville, I'll be there! Whether it's to hand the belt over, if I decide maybe it's time to hang it up, I'll do that! I don't think that's gonna happen. I think when, uh, Ground Zero rolls around, you'll see Stone Cold - don't wipe your nose, it pisses me off - you'll see Stone Cold Steve Austin - and don't smile - you'll see Stone Cold Steve Austin in a black pair of trunks and a black pair of boots, and I'll be out there whippin' somebody's ass! I don't know what kind of match it is, it's some kind of little, uh, four tag teams of some kind of shit like that, is that right?
:'''Jim Ross''': That's right.
:'''Steve Austin''': Okay, well, I'll be there! And... what gets me is, is that Steve Austin's in a new level now, because, you know, if,if I was pissed off before, I'm a lot more pissed off now, and that makes me even more dangerous, not a liability, and that's the bottom line! You got anything else you wanna say?
:'''Jim Ross''': No sir.
:'''Steve Austin''': Then get the hell out.

=== September 22 ===

:''[Before the police arrest Austin, Vince comes into the ring]''
:'''Vince''': What’s the matter with you?! Get ahold of yourself! 
:'''Lawler''': Arrest him!
:'''Vince''': ''[To the police]'' Just give me a minute. Just give me a minute! ''[To Austin]'' What is the matter with you? You had to forfeit the Intercontinental title, the Tag Team title, of course everybody can understand why you’re upset. I can understand you being upset not being able to compete, I can understand that. But don’t break the law!
:'''Lawler''': He already did...look at this!
:'''Jim Ross''': Stone Cold's not gonna win this fight with New York City's finest.
:'''Vince''': Don't you understand? Don’t you understand why you’re not allowed to compete? Can’t you get that through your head? Don’t you know why? Don’t you know that you’re not physically able to compete? Your doctors say you’re not ready. If you compete, you could injure yourself for good! You could wind up paralyzed! And the WWF is not gonna stand by and let you do that to yourself. These people don’t want you to wind up in a wheelchair! They wanna see you compete. Everybody wants to see you compete. But in due time, Steve. In due time. ''[Austin looks at his watch]''
:'''Lawler''': Listen to McMahon, get the violins.
:'''Vince''': Get ahold of yourself.
:'''Jim Ross''': He's telling the truth. Makes all the sense in the world.
:'''Lawler''': ''[indicating the cops]'' He'd better be talking to those guys over there. I say put him in the slammer!
:'''Vince''': Listen, don’t you know people care? In the World Wrestling Federation, we care. They care, they care about you, that’s all it is. And you just gotta go with it. In other words, you simply, you gotta work within the system. That’s all you gotta do, is just work within the system.
:'''Steve Austin''': You know as well as I do that this is what I do for a livin’. This is all that I do, and can’t nobody tell I ain’t the best in the damn world. Don’t even say nothin’. Don’t say nothin’. You sit here and tell me to work within the system. You ain’t the one sittin’ on your ass in the house like I am. But if that’s what it takes to make you or the World Wrestling Federation happy, hell, I feel like Cool Hand Luke. I’ll work within your stupid little system.
:'''Vince''': That's all that these people a—
:'''Steve Austin''': I appreciate the fact that you and the World Wrestling Federation ''care''. And I also appreciate the fact...that, hell, ''you can kiss my ass''!
:''[Austin kicks McMahon in the gut and Stuns him]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh, God! Oh my God!
:'''Lawler''': Put him in jail! Put him in jail right now!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Triple H is waiting for his match with Dude Love, but the Dude appears on the TitanTron]''
:'''Dude Love''': Oh, ho ho ho ho! Owww, have mercy! Hunter and especially your finer Chyna, I know what you must be thinking. 'Dude, what are you doing back here, when you should be out there kicking some heavy duty booty all over The Garden?' Hunter, my man, I do believe it's time we had a little rap, ho-ho. Because you see, Falls Count Anywhere— Well, that not exactly my bag, baby. The pinfalls in the hot dog stands, the pinfalls in the street, the chairs, the tables, it's not exactly a Love thing. But I know somebody, daddy, who's bag it indeed is. He's my man, he's my main man, you might even say, well daddy, he's a ''kind'' man. A kooky type of cat, let's bring him out right now. 
:''[Mankind's music plays as Mankind walks into the picture]''   
:'''Dude Love''': Ho ho, Mankind, my main mandible— up high big man, down low— Owww, you're too slow, ho ho. Mankind, good to have you at the Love Shack. 
:'''Mankind''': Hi, Dude. Thanks for having me here. 
:'''Dude Love''': The pleasure's all mine. 
:'''Mankind''': You really are eye candy for the chicks, Dude. 
:'''Dude Love''': That much I know, Daddy, but you gotta tell me about this wacky match: Falls Count Anywhere. 
:'''Mankind''': Dude, as much as I've dreamed about destroying Hunter Hearst Helmsley... 
:'''Dude Love''': I know you have. 
:'''Mankind''': ...as many horrible things as I'd like to do to him...
:'''Dude Love''': I know you can. 
:'''Mankind''': I know someone who dreams about it even more.
:'''Dude Love''': Who is it, Manny?
:'''Mankind''': Someone who's willing to do even worse things than I have.
:'''Dude Love''': Oh no, are you thinking what I think you're thinking? 
:'''Mankind''': I think I ''am'' thinking what you think I think you're thinking. 
:'''Dude Love''': Can you bring him out, Manny?
:'''Mankind''': Here he comes.
:'''Dude Love''': Where is he? 
:'''Mankind''': '''''CACTUS JACK... IS BACK!'''''
:''[Cactus Jack walks into the picture carrying a trash can, HHH loses it]''  
:'''Dude Love''': Somebody spank me, I thought he was dead! 
:'''Mankind''': He's alive. HE'S ALIVE!
:'''Cactus Jack''': Don't blink. It may be the darkest day of your life, because it's Madison Square Garden, and Mrs. Foley's little boy...is finally home. BANG BANG! 
:'''Dude Love''': ''[overlappping]'' Bye bye, Hunter, have fun! Owww, have mercy!
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What in the world!?
:'''Jim Ross''': ''[overlapping]'' Oh my God. Drastic times call for drastic measures!
:''[A garbage bin is thrown from off-curtain, followed by a large broom before Cactus Jack enters with a trash can]''
:'''Jim Ross''': And for a man, that has wrestled on nails, and barbed wire and set himself on fire, this will be a day at Central Park!

=== October 6 ===
:''[Paul Bearer is at the ring with Kane, who just trashed the Hardy Boyz]''
:'''Paul Bearer''': Now that I have your undivided attention— Yes, laugh at the fat man. Go ahead! Here's your chance. Go ahead and laugh at me. Stand up, call me names, do what you wanna do. Here's your chance. The one you should be laughing at is your so-called phenom. The one you should be laughing at is your hero, The Undertaker. The proof is here. I tried to go back to The Undertaker, he wouldn't take me back. I had to do what I had to do. He slapped me around, he called me a liar. He burned me! Burned!

:Ladies and Gentlemen, let me present to you, The Undertaker's little brother: Kane! Look close, Undertaker. The whole world saw your face last night, when you stood for the first time in twenty years face-to-face with your own brother. We can all tell by the look in your eyes that you knew it was him. Yes, oh yes, he's alive. Look at his eye, Undertaker. He's missing an eye. And it's your fault! The 20 years of suffering, the 20 years of hiding-out is now over. And we have you to thank, Undertaker.

:Undertaker, this is your Stop sign on your highway to eternity. Starting with these boys tonight, we are gonna walk through the World Wrestling Federation, take each one, each wrestler, one by one and destroy them. Until we reach you! You, Undertaker. That is why Kane is here. And we have you to thank. Every time you look around, you're going to see your brother behind you. Every time you close your eyes to go to sleep, you're going to remember that terrible night. The fire! Oh yes, the fire. Undertaker, welcome to your worst nightmare.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Shawn''': ''[waiting for footage from Badd Blood]'' Now I know we don't have any brain surgeons in that truck, but this is a television studio per se. Do you think, Vince McMahon, you could get one of those idiots in your truck to send out my performance at Badd Blood? ''[Footage appears on TitanTron...]'' All right, here we go... ''[...not of Badd Blood, but of the [[w:The Kliq#The MSG &quot;Curtain Call&quot;|MSG &quot;Curtain Call.&quot;]]]'' Whoa. Wait a minute!
:'''[[w:Triple H|Hunter Hearst-Helmsley]]''': ''[both feigning shock]'' Oh my God, what is that?
:'''Shawn''': That's not Badd Blood, that's...
:'''Hunter''': That's Madison Square Garden!
:'''Shawn''': That's May 19th, Madison Square Garden!
:'''Hunter''': That's you, Shawn!
:'''Shawn''': And that's...that's...that's [[w:Scott Hall|Razor]]!
:'''Hunter''': And [[w:Kevin Nash|Big Daddy Cool Diesel]]!
:'''Shawn''': But who's that...that's you, Triple H! Wait a minute! Hey, you were a bad guy, I was a good guy!
:'''Vince''': What is this?
:'''Hunter''': You were a good guy, I was a bad guy!
:'''Shawn''': What were you doing in there? That's...wait a minute! Wait a minute...that was supposed to be Vince McMahon's biggest day—the first time Madison Square Garden had been sold...aw, it's off the screen. Oh, Vin-man, what's the matter? That subject's still a little too sensitive for you, big man. ''[Both get out of ring and approach Vince at announcers' desk]'' Vinnie Mac, what's the matter? Come on, what's the matter? Is your dad rolling over in his grave? The family traditions in the McMahon...has it come to an end because me and my buddies made an ass out of ya? Come on, you were an ass long before I made one out of ya!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim Cornette''': This is Jim Cornette, and the views that I'm about to express are not necessarily those of anybody else but me. But they oughta be. And as a matter of fact, they probably are.
:You know, a lot of things in the wrestling world make me cranky these days, especially the way some talent is treated and some talent is looked at by not only the promoters, but the wrestling fans as well. For example, a man like Arn Anderson who just had to retire from this sport, after giving it his entire life, because of an injury that he suffered; a guy like &quot;Nature Boy&quot; Ric Flair, who in my opinion, is one of the greatest talents in the history of this business; guys like Mankind, Cactus Jack, Dude Love, whatever you want to call him. Great talents in the WWF or WCW.
:But who gets a lot of the attention, from the wrestling fans especially? Guys like the NWO, the New World Order. You know, all the fans think these guys are so cool and so ''sweeeeet'', and so funny. Well, as far as I'm concerned, the NWO is like a bunch of guys meeting out in the backyard in a clubhouse in a tree. They're guys who, all they have to do... They got the easiest job in the world... All they have to do is go out there and be themselves—childish, obnoxious, adolescent guys with a case of severe arrested emotional development, and a fixation on trying to act macho.
:You got a guy like Kevin Nash, 40 years old, trying to act like a teenager. Far as I'm concerned, the biggest no-talent in the business. He's got six moves, no mobility, and enough timing to cover up for some of it. But what he does is he goes around and he manipulates. Kevin Nash had a multi-million dollar promotional company, the WWF, push him to the moon to make him a star, and then what does he do? He leaves—after he gives his word he's staying, so by the way, he's a liar, too—he leaves and he goes to WCW for a big contract. Why? More on that later.
:You got a guy like Scott Hall, who's a good wrestler, but &quot;good&quot; is about it. He's the best of the bunch. But he had the same million dollar promotional company make him a star, after he'd been in the business 10 years without putting three asses in a seat. And what does he do? He goes to WCW for a big contract. Why? More on that later.
:And then you got a guy... Syxx, 1-2-3 Kid, his name's Sean Waltman. Whatever you want to call him. As far as I'm concerned, the only reason that he's employed is because the other guys think that he's funny when he gets drunk and throws up on himself. He has the distinction, in case you haven't noticed, of being the only guy since this &quot;wrestling war&quot; got started, that was released from a valid contract from one company to go to the other side, which shows you how valuable he is.
:You know why they're all employed? Why they're all in the spot they are today? Because of Eric Bischoff. The boss of WCW, not the NWO. Look at the credits on their PPV if you can get one for free! The idiot's name is on it! He's the boss of WCW, he works for Ted Turner, and he throws a billionaire's money around, just like water, so he can have guys that he likes to hang out with.
:Because, even more than being a mark—yeah, for his own face and his own voice—Eric Bischoff is a guy who's a big fan of hanging around studly guys with long hair and beards, that smoke cigars, and ride Harleys. So that some of that can rub off on his little pansy-ass frame. So he takes that billionaire's money, and he throws that around like water to buy guys that he can hang around, to prove that his johnson is bigger than everybody else's. And that's the sole reason the NWO guys are employed.
:I think, me personally, that it's about time that the wrestling fans and the promoters, all of them in this business, start recognizing guys like &quot;Nature Boy&quot; Ric Flair, like Arn Anderson, like Cactus Jack. Guys who bust their ass, who work hard, and have ability and have talent to get where they are, instead of a bunch of guys that get to their spot by hanging around with the boss and sucking up. I'm Jim Cornette, and that's my opinion.

=== October 13 ===

:'''Bret''': ''[to Shawn and Hunter on the TitanTron]'' Why don't you two degenerates come down here right now and step in the ring with me right now? Either one of you, I don't care! Either one of you, right now!
:'''Shawn''': Is he challenging me?
:'''Hunter''': Is he challenging us?
:'''Shawn''': Now regularly, regularly I would take him up on his challenge. But you know why I'm not gonna? You know why I'm not gonna? I'll tell you why. Because the last time I took him up on a challenge was [[w:WrestleMania XII|WrestleMania]], and I beat his ass for that stupid piece of tin he's got on his shoulder; and at [[w:Survivor Series (1997)|Survivor Series]], I'm gonna take that stupid piece of tin you got on your shoulder once again. I've beaten you, I've beaten your brother, I've beat both your brother-in-laws, and I'll beat up your whole family if you get in my face one more time.
:'''Hunter''': And as far as I'm concerned, Bret Hart, you want a piece of me, huh?! ''[Shawn holds him back]'' You want a piece of me?! Come on! I'll take you on, Hitman! I'll give you the worst beating of your life! Hey, wait a second. I did that last week. I did that last week, Hitman! So never mind, I don't need to do it twice! I already did it!
:'''Shawn''': I tell you, I took so many shots to my head, I almost forgot how bad we beat him up last week. Hitman, I got news for you. Sometime during this show, we are gonna cross paths. And you talk about us being degenerates. You know what, I'm tired of Generation X getting a bad rap.
:'''Hunter''': Do you think you're a degenerate?
:'''Shawn''': Well, do you think ''you're'' a degenerate?
:'''Hunter''': Well, I mean...
:'''Shawn''': I mean, I'm positive I'm one.
:'''Hunter''': I guess I'd have to be one then.
:'''Shawn''': Well you know what? Generation X always gets a bad rap, everybody calls us degenerates. Degeneration X, is that us? Degeneration X—Triple H, HBK, Chyna, Ravishing Rick. We are Degeneration X—you make the rules, and we...will...break 'em!

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:'''Jim Cornette''': I'm Jim Cornette, and the views I'm about to express are my own, but as you'll see, they may be yours, too.
:There's a man named Phil Mushnick who writes columns for the New York Post and for TV Guide. You probably never heard of Mr. Mushnick, but you should because he's had some pretty nasty things to say about you. You see, Phil Mushnick hates pro wrestling and he's not content just to change the channel. He doesn't want you be able to watch it, either. Not the WWF, WCW, ECW, ''nothing''.
:And for the past several years, Mushnick has led a one-man campaign to have the wrestling industry abolished. Recently, when Ted Turner donated one billion dollars to charity, Mr. Mushnick said &quot;the world would be better served if he closed up WCW.&quot; Phil Mushnick is the man who called for and spearheaded the media and publicity barrage over the federal indictment of Vince McMahon and the WWF on steroid charges. And even though McMahon and the WWF were proven totally innocent in a federal courtroom, Mushnick ignores that fact to this very day and writes his columns as if it were a fact that they were proven guilty just so he can continue his one-man crusade. He even wrote a column one time about the Madison Square Garden Network firing Marv Albert, saying that the Garden should cancel wrestling matches, too.
:But Phil Mushnick not only hates wrestling, he hates wrestling fans. Here's a few things he's had to say about you, and I quote:
:&quot;If not for America's lunatic fringe and the disaffected, WCW would be out of business. If you can tell me that you would bring an important child in your life to a pro wrestling match, I have no gripe with you because you clearly don't know right from wrong. And the overwhelming majority of the wrestling fans who contact me simply prove my point by flooding my mailbox with profanities, obscenities, and other acts that show them to be a disenfranchised sub-culture.&quot;
:Well, Mr. Mushnick, I'm a wrestling fan and a lot of the people who read the New York Post and TV Guide are wrestling fans, too. And we don't enjoy being insulted by publications we pay money to read. We don't appreciate being told we don't know how to parent our children! We don't want a pompous, self-righteous man with a grudge sitting on top of Mount Olympus looking down his nose at us campaigning to take away the constitutional right that every American is guaranteed, to freedom of speech, freedom of choice, and freedom to enjoy whatever entertainment we choose! Those are ''facts'', Mr. Mushnick, not rumors, not suppositions, but ''facts''. You oughta try to deal in them sometime. And I think it's time that the millions of people you belittle as subhuman every chance you get tell the New York Post and TV Guide what ''they'' think of ya.
:But if this has been going on so long, why am I mad right now? Because recently, Phil Mushnick used Brian Pillman's death to call for another outcry against wrestling, and I quote once again:
:&quot;The problem is the mainstream media don't look hard enough at pro wrestling. Imagine if middle-aged pro baseball players dropped dead on a regular basis, this would be page one stuff, and a federal inquiry would be launched.&quot;
:''[At this point, Cornette is seething with anger.]''
:Well, Brian Pillman was a friend of mine. From the time he was born with throat cancer, he had the courage to undergo 36 different throat operations. He had the courage to withstand the punishment of pro football and ten years as a pro wrestler. He had the courage to come back from a car wreck that shattered his ankle, and from a lot of other personal tragedies. And then one night, he went to sleep in a hotel room and he died. And for you, Phil Mushnick, to use his death as an excuse for another call to action in your one-man vendetta against pro wrestling is more ''vulgar'' and more ''obscene'' than anything that you've ever falsely accused the wrestling industry of being guilty of! So on behalf of the wrestling fans, the wrestling industry, the friends and family of Brian Pillman, and anyone in this country that denies any one man the right to force his morals and his beliefs on all of us and to take away our constitutional rights, on behalf of those people, I say ''go to hell, Phil Mushnick''! And try to reform things down there because we're doing just fine without you!
:I'm Jim Cornette, and that's my opinion.

=== October 27 ===

:'''Jim Cornette''': I'm Jim Cornette. I'm just wondering if there's any people that are sick and tired as I am to be the icon of wrestling. Hulk Hogan and Roddy Piper claim to be the icon, Shawn Michaels is the icon that can still go, Bret Hart would claim to be the icon if he wasn't too busy crying about being screwed, and Randy Savage is still &quot;Thinkin', Thinkin'!&quot; Well, Shawn Michaels is still the single most talented athlete inside the ring, but outside he's an adolescent obnoxious jerk who takes the tights and goes home if he doesn't get his way. Bret Hart is one of the greatest wrestlers of all time, but if he'd have been screwed as many times as he claims, he'd have struck oil by now. And Randy Savage is a legend, but let's face it, how many records did Frank Sinatra sell last year? But the pinnacle of this icon garbage came at last night's cage match between Hulk Hogan and Roddy Piper to determine—in their minds only—who the real icon is. WCW had the gall to say that this is the greatest cage match in history when it was the greatest in three weeks since Hell in a Cell. But here, you've got a 46-year-old, bald-headed movie star wannabe who looks like Uncle Creepy with a good build, taking on a guy with an artificial hip that hasn't wrestled a full schedule in ten years. It's a tribute to the massive egotism in my mind of both men and an indictment of WCW's promotional policies that this match took place, much less being in the main event when the card was probably the best that WCW was capable of having. By the ten minute mark, they were sucking wind so bad, the first three rows passed out of oxygen deprivation. Would've been funny if it wasn't sad. Well, I'm sick and damn tired of hearing guys claim to be the icon, especially when it used to come from guys who usually didn't know when to quit. Roddy Piper was my idol when I was a teenager, but that was 20 years ago. Hulk Hogan, during his best years, was 50% media recreation, and those days are long gone. This match was a slap in the face to every wrestler that takes pride in his profession, and in my mind, no one man is bigger in this sport. But if there is an icon, it would be a man who has great ability inside the ring, and professionalism and maturity outside of it. Let's leave all the petty backstabbing &quot;I make more money than you,&quot; BS with the hat check girl and let's concentrate on talent and attitude. The Undertaker, Ric Flair and Steve Austin have never claimed to be icons, which means that they are big candidates to be just that. And on a personal note to Hulk Hogan, you are a household word, but so is garbage and it stinks when it gets old too. I'm Jim Cornette, and that's my opinion.

=== November 17 ===

:'''Jim Ross''': Let's cut right to the chase here. Seven days ago at the Survivor Series, did you, or did you not, [[w:Montreal Screwjob|screw Bret Hart]]?
:'''Vince''': Some would say I screwed Bret Hart; Bret Hart would definitely tell you I screwed him. I look at it from a different standpoint. I look at it from the standpoint of the referee did not screw Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels certainly did not screw Bret Hart, nor did Vince McMahon screw Bret Hart. I truly believe that Bret Hart screwed Bret Hart, and he can look in the mirror and know that.
:'''Jim Ross''': I'm sure in some parts of the country right now, there's a collective groan that you're not accepting responsibility, that you orchestrated the situation, and the fact that there are people not gonna understand what you mean by, &quot;Bret Hart screwed Bret Hart,&quot; so what do you mean by that?
:'''Vince''': Well, I will certainly take responsibility for any decision I've ever made; I've never had a problem doing that. Not that all of my decisions are accurate—they're not—but when I make a bad decision, I'm not above saying I'm sorry and trying to do the best about it that I can. Hopefully, the batting average is pretty good—I make more good decisions than I do bad decisions. And as far as screwing Bret Hart is concerned, there's a time-honored tradition in the wrestling business that when someone is leaving, that they show the right amount of respect to the WWF superstars, in this case, who helped make you that superstar. You show the proper respect to the organization that helped you become who you are today. It's a time-honored tradition, and Bret Hart didn't wanna honor that tradition, and that's something I never, ever would've expected from Bret because he is known as somewhat of a traditionalist in this business. It would've never crossed my mind that Bret would not have wanted to show the right amount of respect to the superstar who helped make him and the organization who helped make him what he is today. Nonetheless, that was Bret's decision. Bret screwed Bret.
:'''Jim Ross''': Some folks along the Internet know that, in 1996, Bret signed a 20-year contract with the WWF. Then I'm sure there are some at home now, some folks are saying, &quot;well, how could Bret Hart be...he's got 18 years left on the contract. How can he leave?&quot; Did Bret Hart ask you to leave the WWF, or did you ask him to leave the WWF?
:'''Vince''': This was a joint decision and it vacillated somewhat as well. It was a joint decision from both Bret and me. And ultimately what happened was the two of us got together and orchestrated the opportunity for Ted Turner's wrestling organization to quote, &quot;steal,&quot; Bret. I felt that, for business reasons, that Bret Hart and the salary we were paying him was not justified. And Bret felt that for creative reasons and the fact that he had become sort of second banana in his own mind to Shawn Michaels who had, quote, &quot;stolen his spot.&quot; So for financial reasons on my part, and creative reasons on Bret Hart's part, the two of us got together and decided, &quot;okay, let's do the very best we can for you, Bret.&quot; So the two of us orchestrated Bret Hart receiving a three-year deal, in which he is paid $3 million a year, which I believe is the richest deal in all of professional wrestling, and that's for working 125 days a year. So I felt from a personal standpoint that if Bret wasn't a great investment any longer for the WWF, although I really didn't want him to go, but nonetheless, that the least I could do for Bret is to help him help himself. And I told Bret, &quot;Bret, if you in fact get this deal from Turner, I am going to be the first person personally to congratulate you.&quot; And I was. From a business standpoint, I didn't really want to lose Bret. He wasn't paying off from a financial standpoint, but nonetheless, I really didn't want to lose Bret. 
:'''Jim Ross''': Certainly, the bitterness of the loss at the Survivor Series could never be more prevalent. He stands in the ring and spits in your face. Shortly thereafter, he is destroying WWF television equipment. Were you prepared for what happened after the match?
:'''Vince''': I was disappointed in Bret when he hit me. Very disappointed. Um, I sustained a concussion, as a result of it, with vision problems to this day. I'll get over it. I didn't think it was the right thing to do. Bret seems to be crowing about that, that I've read, where, you know, he feels proud of striking me. And it wasn't a question of a confrontation because even at 52 years old, I dare say that perhaps things would have been a little different if there was a confrontation. I allowed Bret to strike me, I had hoped that he wouldn't. I had hoped that we could sit down and try and work things out as gentlemen. That's what I had really hoped for. But that's not what happened. 
:'''Jim Ross''': Have you considered pressing charges or perusing legal remedies for that situation in his locker room?
:'''Vince''': I have considered it. I think those options are still available. I'm not pursuing it at the moment. I guess it all depends on Bret as to whether or not I do.
:'''Jim Ross''': If you were only a story writer, and the Survivor Series was the final chapter in the story of Bret Hart, the WWF years, how would have preferred to write the final chapter?
:'''Vince''': As a storyteller, I would have hoped that Bret's story would be a dramatic one. I would hope that Bret's story would be one that would give him dignity, that would give him the poise to state that, &quot;I was, maybe, the greatest WWF Superstar ever,&quot; in terms of his departure. And one way of being able to give back to the company, being able to give back to those individuals, those superstars, who helped you achieve the level of success that you have, when you know that you are leaving in a time-honored tradition, might have been, for argument's sake, that after the most grueling match that Bret ever had in his life, that Bret was pinned. But in that small moment of defeat, Bret would have stood straight up and shown the whole world what a true champion, both as a human being and a wrestling persona, he really is. And if I had been Bret, if I were writing the story, I can see Bret, after a 1-2-3, simply saying, &quot;Okay,&quot; to his opponent, &quot;you got the best of me. I want to congratulate you. I want to stick my hand out and congratulate you. And furthermore, I want everyone in the whole locker room to watch my match, so that I can show, for those who follow in my footsteps, the way in a time-honored tradition, this is to be done. To show every individual, every secretary, everyone in Titan Sports, the WWF, who counts on me to do the right thing, that I was there, that I was a Superstar, maybe the greatest of ever. And I went out the way a true champion would go out.&quot; 
:'''Jim Ross''': Are you able to step back and objectively look at this thing and evaluate your friend, your perhaps former friend Bret Hart, the human being, and have sympathy for this man?
:'''Vince''': Sympathy? I have no sympathy for Bret whatsoever. None. I have no sympathy for someone who is supposed to be a wrestling traditionalist, not doing the right thing for the business that made him, not doing the right thing for the fans and the performers and the organization who helped make him what he is today. Bret made a very, very selfish decision. Bret's gonna have to live with that for the rest of his life. Bret screwed Bret. I have no sympathy whatsoever for Bret.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim Ross''': This is a crazy question. Would you welcome Bret Hart back? If he said, &quot;you know Vince, I've changed my mind. Can I come back?&quot; Would you allow him to return to the WWF? I mean, he spit in your face, notwithstanding destroying television monitors &amp; equipment, certainly notwithstanding the fact that he punched you. Would you allow him to ever come back to the WWF if that was an option?
:'''Vince''': This is a strange business, and yes, I would. We would have to have a real frank understanding. I would want to hear Bret say, &quot;Vince, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be selfish, I just kind of lost it there for a while.&quot; And I have no problem saying, &quot;Bret, jeez, I'm sorry that I had to do what I had to do as well.&quot; Would I welcome him back? I also would tell Bret no more free shots. I would want that strictly from a man's standpoint, I'd want him to know that. And in the future if we're going to have problems along those lines, in the locker room or anywhere else, okay, we're going to have them, but no more free shots. Yeah. If Bret could tear up his contract with the other guys right now and return, I'd welcome Bret back under those conditions.
:'''Jim Ross''': Was his motivation...do you believe his motivations then, primarily? He said he didn't leave here for the money. 
:'''Vince''': There were signs in the arena following Survivor Series, &quot;Bret sold out.&quot; Bret seems to be sensitive to that subject, that he doesn't want to be known as someone who sold out. I'm proud of the fact that I helped Bret sell out. And that's what Bret did, he sold out. And it's not a big deal because I helped him do it. So, do I think that Bret left for the money? I think that when your making $3 million a year, and you're working 125 days of that year, I think Bret sold out, and I don't blame him for selling out. I helped him sell out. Matter of fact, I would suggest there could be a long line outside the next locker room with wrestlers begging me, &quot;Vince, help me sell out.&quot; So, do I think he sold out? Yeah, and I think that every time Bret says, &quot;No, I didn't do it for the money,&quot; I think that Bret loses credibility every time he says that.
:'''Jim Ross''': Did this whole ugly ordeal with Bret Hart affect you more professionally, the businessman side of Vince McMahon, or the personal side of Vince McMahon? 
:'''Vince''': From the business side, the WWF will go on beyond Bret Hart. From the personal side, it definitely has affected me. I think that Bret and I...you can't end a 14-year relationship like was ended without having feelings. I regret that I felt that I was forced into making the decision that I made. I regret that Bret didn't do the right thing for the business and for himself, because it wouldn't have cost him one dollar less with his deal with Turner. I regret that his fans, if there is such a thing separate from WWF fans, are in any way hurt by any of this. I regret that his family is enduring...having to endure this tirade that Bret seems to be on. I regret that a member of my family, my son, had to witness some of this, especially in the locker room. I regret all of that, from a personal standpoint, yet steadfast remain that I made a tough decision, but it was the right decision for the WWF fans and the WWF superstars that remain here loyal to us. 
:'''Jim Ross''': If you had the opportunity to speak with Bret, and now's not a bad opportunity, because you know he watching. Everybody involved in this situation is watching this right now. What would you say to him now?
:'''Vince''': Probably what I said to him in the locker room, and that is that he made a mistake, that I believe he'll regret from a professional standpoint, didn't have to be made that way. I felt I had to do what I had to do for my company, and our fans, and our superstars that remain here. And I'm unwavering in that point of view, and perhaps Bret is unwavering in his point of view. I don't know that we'll ever get together, I hope we will one day. It's too bad that a 14-year relationship was destroyed because one member of that relationship forgot that we're in the sports-entertainment business. Forgot where he came from.
:'''Jim Ross''': When will you be over this?
:'''Vince''': I'm over it now. At the same time, Bret has been such a part of the WWF. Bret will always...a part of Bret will always be here in the World Wrestling Federation, and I'm going to remember the good times. I'm going to remember all the things that we did with Bret, which he performed to his greatest degree possible, and told those wonderful stories. I'm going to remember Bret as the Excellence of Execution. It's just too damn bad that in the end, Bret really wasn't &quot;the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be.&quot; And he had that opportunity to live up to that in his final match in the WWF, and he failed. 

=== December 15 ===
:'''Jim Ross''' ''[describing Steve Austin’s trip after leaving the arena]'': This could be a [[w:P. J. Carlesimo|P.J. Carlesimo]] situation.
:'''Jim Cornette''': Who?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vince McMahon''': Owen Hart, I know you are here tonight. You've been spotted. Owen Hart, I know you can hear my voice, wherever you may be in this arena. And I must inform you that you've been endangering indeed the safety certainly of our ringside fans with your antics as of late.
:'''Jim Cornette''': McMahon's turning into [[w:In Living Color|Fire Marshall Bill]] with all this &quot;fan safety&quot; business.
:'''Vince''': You've been crawling over ringside fans coming into the ring interfering in matches with Shawn Michaels. And make no mistake: I don't give a damn about Shawn Michaels – it's just that you're endangering the safety of ringside fans by coming in and coming out. That will not be tolerated. I know you can hear me. I like to remind you, Owen: You are still under contract to the World Wrestling Federation. And as such, I'm ordering you to appear in this ring, right now. ''[Owen Hart walks to the ring from somewhere in the audience to &quot;Owen&quot; chants]'' What's this all about, and who do you think you are?
:'''Owen Hart''': ''[takes off shades]'' Who do I think I am? ''[pokes Vince]'' Who the HELL do you think you are?! You think I owe you a goddamn apology?! I don't owe you a goddamn thing! I'm sick and tired of trying to please everybody else around here, and the bullshit stops right here!
:'''Cornette''': Well, ''that's'' showing McMahon plenty of respect!
:'''Jim Ross''': This could get very, very ugly in a hurry.
:'''Owen''': Now my brother, Bret, and Neidhart, and Bulldog, they did what they had to do, and now it's time for ''me'' to do what I have to do, and that is remain right here in the World Wrestling Federation! ''[crowd cheers]'' Now, I spent nine years breaking my back day-after-day to earn a reputation in this company, and nobody, and I mean NOBODY, is going to run me out of this company, and you know EXACTLY who I'm talking about!
:'''Vince''': Oh yeah, I have a real good idea who you're talking about. You're talking about self-professed &quot;Showstopper,&quot; right? You're talking about the Icon, you're talking about the WWF Champion, Shawn Michaels. And isn't that really what it's all about, Owen? Huh? Isn't that what this whole thing's all about? You attempting to gain the only title that's eluded you in your career here? It's all about the WWF Title, isn't it?
:'''Owen''': How stupid are you? Is that what you think this is about?! Do you think I give a damn about a worthless title: a piece of leather with tin on it?! This is real life, Vince. This is real life - MY life! MY reputation! MY respect! MY dignity! And McMahon, don't you get me wrong. I'm not ASKING you, I am TELLING you exactly what I am going to do! And that is... and that is make Shawn Michaels' life a living HELL! 
:'''Ross''': A lot of that going around these days.
:'''Cornette''': I--I know what you mean!
:'''Vince''' ''[exasperated]'': Let me tell you--
:'''Owen''': Listen to me for a second. You can call me the &quot;Sole Survivor,&quot; you can call me the &quot;Black Sheep,&quot; I really don't give a shit!
:'''Ross''': Uh-oh. Not good.
:'''Owen''': Shawn Michaels, this is not a game, this is real life, and you started it... and now, it's time for this &quot;little nugget&quot; to end it!
:'''Ross''': Shawn Michaels is a marked man, and so is Helmsley!
:'''Vince''': All right, now let me tell you what ''I'm'' going to do, Mr. Hart. I believe we have some uniformed security I'd like to ask to come to the ring. ''[crowd boos]'' And the reason I'd like to ask for uniformed security, Mr. Hart, is to make sure that, again, we do not endanger the safety of any of our ringside fans, because next week... next week, right here, you're gonna come in to the ring down the ramp like every other WWF superstar, and you're gonna compete in this ring next week just like every other WWF superstar. You're not gonna run over any more ringside fans – all right?!
:'''Cornette''' ''[as security surrounds Owen]'': That's every cop in New Hampshire!
:'''Ross''' ''[as Owen approaches Vince]'': Look out here. I don't like the look in Owen Hart's eyes. He's been under a tremendous amount of stress.
:'''Cornette''': Looks like a hungry dog eyeing a steak!
:'''Ross''': Owen could snap at any--
:''[Owen grabs Vince and stares him down]''
:'''Cornette''': Hey!
:'''Ross''': Oh, uh-oh!
:'''Cornette''' ''[as Owen pushes Vince away and Vince motions for security to get Owen out]'': Just to prove he can do it! Whatever Shawn Michaels has to say, I'll tell you what: in my opinion, Owen Hart's got some big nuggets! ''[Owen gets taken out of the arena through the crowd as they chant his name]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vince McMahon''': It has been said that anything can happen here in the World Wrestling Federation, but now more than ever, truer words have never been spoken. This is a conscious effort on our part to &quot;Open the Creative Envelope&quot;, so to speak, in order to entertain you in a more contemporary manner. Even though we call ourselves &quot;sports entertainment&quot; because of the athleticism involved, the key word in that phrase is &quot;entertainment&quot;. The WWF extends far beyond the strict confines of sports presentation into the wide open environment of broad-based entertainment. We borrow from such program niches like soap operas like ''[[w:Days of our Lives|The Days of our Lives]]'', or music videos such as those on [[w:MTV|MTV]], daytime talk-shows like ''[[w:The Jerry Springer Show|Jerry Springer]]'' and others, cartoons like ''[[w:King of the Hill|The King of the Hill]]'' on [[w:Fox Broadcasting Company|Fox]], sitcoms like ''[[w:Seinfeld|Seinfeld]]'', and other widely accepted forms of television entertainment. We in the WWF think that you, the audience, are quite frankly tired of having your intelligence insulted. We also think that you're tired of the same old simplistic theory of &quot;good guys vs. bad guys&quot;. Surely the era of &quot;[[w:Hulk Hogan|The superhero who urge you to say your prayers and take your vitamins]]&quot; is definitely passe. Therefore, we've embarked upon a far more innovative and contemporary creative campaign that is far more invigorating and extemporaneous than ever before. However, due to the live nature of ''Raw'' and ''The War Zone'', we encourage some degree of parental discretion as it relates to the younger audience allowed to stay up late. Other WWF programs on USA such as Saturday Morning ''[[w:WWF LiveWire|LiveWire]]'' and Sunday Morning ''[[w:WWF Superstars of Wrestling|Superstars]]'', where there is a 40% increase in the younger audience, obviously however need no such discretion. We are responsible television producers who work hard to bring you this outrageous, wacky, wonderful world known as the WWF. Through some 50 years, the World Wrestling Federation has been an entertainment mainstay here in North America and all over the world. One of the reasons for that longevity is as the times have changed, so have we. I am happy to say that this new vibrant, creative direction has resulted in a huge increase in television viewership, for which we thank [[w:USA Network|USA Network]] and [[w:The Sports Network|TSN]] for allowing us to have the creative freedom, but most especially we would like to thank you for watching. Raw and the War Zone are definitely the cure for the common show.

=== December 22 ===

:'''Jim Ross''': Remember, the European Title on the line. Shawn Michaels putting the European Title on the line here, as he will the WWF Title at the Royal Rumble in that much-anticipated casket match with the Undertaker. ''[Shawn and Hunter lock up and Hunter immediately shoves Shawn down]'' Collar-and-elbow tie-up.
:''[Hunter over-dramatically runs the ropes over a supine Shawn for 14 seconds]''
:'''Jim Cornette''': And reluctantly on his part, on both of them. He didn't want to put the title up either.
:'''Ross''': Wait a minute. Why is Michaels just lying there?
:'''Cornette''': Well, why doesn't Helmsley slow down and stop? What is it?
:'''Ross''': ''[catching on]'' It's a mockery. ''[Hunter jumps and softly splashes Shawn, hooking his leg]'' We thought that... oh, here it is.
:''[Hebner counts to three. Hunter celebrates while Shawn &quot;cries.&quot;]''
:'''Cornette''': ''[over Tony Chimel's announcement]'' It was a ruse! 
:'''Tony Chimel''': Here is your winner and the new World Wrestling Federation European Champion: &quot;Triple H&quot; Hunter Hearst-Helmsley!
:'''Cornette''': ''[cont'd]'' A ploy, a plot, a plan, a charade, a conspiracy, a sham! We've been conned, hoodwinked, bamboozled, flim-flammed, had the wool pulled over our eyes even!
:'''Ross''': Slaughter apparently has been watching this on the monitor, we've just been informed, and is on his way to the ring. Helmsley with the European Title. We thought it was gonna be Slaughter's revenge.
:'''Cornette''': Look at these two jackasses! Michael [''sic''] cries every time he comes to this town!

=== December 29 ===

:'''Jim Cornette''': Well, the WWF has asked me to do a commentary on the state of wrestling in 1998; I guess they figured, &quot;Cornette's always good for a couple of laughs.&quot; Well, I'm not really gonna be too funny tonight. Because you see, I think the state of wrestling in 1998 ''stinks''! I think WCW stinks, I think the nWo stinks, I think ECW is embarrassing, and I think the WWF stinks! And I'll tell you why. You don't have to go back any further than last week on Raw, you got a guy coming out dressed like a Christmas tree, you got a woman dressed like a reindeer, you got two adolescent mulletheads showing their butt cheeks on national TV, and having a phony match for a championship! I think it stinks! I think it's disgusting! I think nobody has any respect for wrestling anymore! Where is &quot;wrestling&quot;? Not &quot;sports entertainment&quot;, but ''wrestling''! You know, just a couple of years ago, I left my home in Tennessee and I moved to Connecticut, which is like trading a Hawaiian vacation for a bed in a cancer ward, to come to work for the WWF full-time, the biggest wrestling promotion in the history of the planet! And I moved to Connecticut with snow on the ground seven months out of the year, real estate prices that would make Donald Trump's hair stand on end, the rudest bunch of people I've ever seen where English is the second language, and traffic jams at four o'clock in the morning! But I think that's OK, because I'm with the biggest wrestling promotion of all time, the WWF! But over the last couple of years, I don't see any wrestling! They got some great wrestlers around here, but they don't have any time to wrestle, because of all the folderol and the nonsense going on! You see, what the problem is, is the people running the two big promotions! [[w:Eric Bischoff|One guy]] is a game show host wannabe from Minneapolis with phony teeth, phony hair, and a phony tan! And running the WWF, you got a whole office building full of Yankees from New York City that wouldn't know a wrestling match if it bit them! So they sit around all day, listening to people on the Internet; and the people on the Internet wouldn't know a wristlock from a wristwatch! I don't particularly care what some Yankee from New York City wants to see! I wanna see wrestling matches with wrestlers! I wanna see real old-fashioned wrestling! I wanna see some people who have some respect for the traditions of the wrestling industry, have some respect for the sport of wrestling! I don't wanna see &quot;sports entertainment&quot; and flying donkeys all around! I think it's garbage, I think it's insulting, and I think it's a shame to a fine sport like this! Down south where I come from, they know wrestling, they were brought up on it, they grew up on it, and they respect it! And I think it's about time that the promoters and the wrestling industry today recognize that wrestling fans watching a wrestling programme want to see wrestlers '''''wrestle'''''! That's... That's easy! It's not too hard to understand if you just think about it. But the problem is, is that nobody has any respect for tradition. Well, I got news for you; I got respect for tradition, and I've always been associated with real good old-fashioned wrestling, a sport of wrestling, not a circus sideshow, not a cartoon show; and if nobody else is bring some wrestling around here, then maybe it's gonna be up to Jim Cornette! So that might be my New Year's resolution for 1998! I might bring some tradition, I might bring some ''real'' wrestling back and clear this whole mess out, because I think it stinks! So there's my address, there's my opinion, there's my commentary, do with it what you want, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Bah Humbug, I'm outta here!

== 1998 ==

=== January 12 ===
:''[After stunning Mankind and Goldust, Steve Austin puts on JR's headset.]''
:'''Steve Austin''': Oh hell yeah! No more Mr. Nice Guy until after this Rumble! Jim, someone told me the other day at the airport, &quot;Steve, if you think you can win the Rumble, give me a hell yeah!&quot; And I gave a &quot;OH HELLLLL YEAHHHHH!&quot;

=== January 19 ===
:'''Vince McMahon''': At this time I'd like to introduce to you a man who is simply the baddest man on the planet! Ladies and gentlemen, &quot;Iron&quot; Mike Tyson! ''[Tyson enters the ring with his crew]'' &quot;Iron&quot; Mike Tyson! Mike, it is unquestionable, an honor and a privilege to have you standing in a World Wrestling Federation ring.
:'''Mike Tyson''': Well, it is a privilege to be here, man. I don't know, I've been a fan since I'm eight, nine years old and I'm just happy to be here.
:'''Vince''': Well, tell me your old time favorites here in the WWF.
:'''Mike''': Bruno Sammartino.
:'''Vince''': Don Leo Jonathan as well?
:'''Mike''': Nikolai Volkoff, man I go way back. I'm just proud to be involved in this.
:'''Vince''': Alright, now ladies and gentlemen. The moment we have awaited, the big announcement, and the announcement is that on March 29th at WrestleMania in this very ring...&quot;Iron&quot; Mike Tyson will... ''[Steve Austin's music interrupts McMahon and Austin enters the ring. Several officials and execs rush in.]'' Hey! Hey! Mr. Austin, why are you here?
:'''Steve''': Because I'm sick and tired of seeing Mike Tyson, he comes in, he's shaking everybody's hands, making friends with all the WWF Superstars, and it's made me so damn sick, I've been in the back throwing up. ''[Tyson extends his hand]'' I ain't gonna shake your damn hand, because I ain't out here to make friends with you. Mike... shut up. I respect... I respect what you've done in the boxing world, but Jesus Christ, son, when you step in this ring, you're messing with Stone Cold Steve Austin and that's something you don't do. Let me make it short and sweet, what I'm telling you is I want a piece of Mike Tyson's ass. ''[To Vince]'' Shut up. Don't say one word, Vince; I'll knock your damn lights out, too. I respect what you've done, Mike, but you're out here calling yourself the baddest man on the planet. Right now, you got your little beady eyes locked on the eyes of the world's toughest son-of-a-bitch! I can beat you any day of the week, twice on Sunday. Do I think I... Do I think you can beat my ass? Hell no! Do I think I can beat your ass? Why, hell yeah! I don't know how good your hearin' is, but if you don't understand what I'm sayin', I always got a little bit of sign language, so here's to ya! ''[flips off Tyson to Vince's surprise. Tyson gestures with his hands and shoves Austin, causing a brawl between the two men. Everybody else pulls them apart and Austin is manhandled off the ring]''
:'''Vince''': Get out of here! You ruined it, you ruined it! ''[goes under second rope to get closer down to Austin] '''YOU RUINED IT, DAMMIT, YOU RUINED IT!!!''' [Austin flips him off as Shane tries to placate Vince]''
===February 2===
:''[Shawn and Triple H along with Chyna make their apology to RAW's carrier networks in a manner of an official presidential announcement]''
:'''Shawn Michaels''': Good evening my fellow Americans. This past week, Degeneration X was informed that TSN, STAR TV, SKY Sports, and USA Network is drawing the line on standards and practices as it relates to WWF programming and Degeneration X. In the future, we need to be careful of what we do and what we won't do. Again, DX gets in trouble every time we do something fortuitously. Therefore, the following is the standard and practices that DX promises to adhere to. ''[steps aside for Triple H]''
:'''Triple H''': From the hours of nine to ten PM, we will only use the words &quot;ass&quot;, &quot;damn&quot;, and &quot;hell&quot;. We will, however use the words &quot;shit&quot;, &quot;fuck&quot;, &quot;goddamn&quot;, &quot;Jesus Christ&quot;, &quot;bitch,&quot; &quot;faggot&quot;, or any other sexual or racial slurs. From the ten to eleven PM hour, we will only use the words &quot;ass&quot;, &quot;damn&quot;, &quot;hell&quot; and &quot;bitch.&quot; We will never, however use the words &quot;shit&quot;, &quot;fuck&quot;, &quot;goddamn&quot;, &quot;Jesus Christ&quot;, &quot;faggot&quot;, or any other racial or sexual slurs. Now as it pertains to video, we promise there will be less dick references-
:'''Shawn Michaels''': Oh shit!
:'''HHH''': ''[to Shawn with light tap on chest]'' Watch your fucking mouth!
:'''Shawn''': ''[scoffs]'' Fuck me.
:'''HHH''': Goddamn it. Fuck! Anyway, we will have less references to our enormous genitalia. ''[gives way to Shawn]''
:'''Shawn''': On a final note, you know many of you believe that currently, the favored pastime in the Oral Office is &quot;Swallow the Leader&quot;...''[delivers like Clinton's famous denial]'' I did not, I repeat, I did not sleep with that young intern. ''[normal]'' As a matter of fact, I was ''[makes DX crotchchop]'' UP ALL NIGHT!! ''[laughs along with HHH]''

===March 2===
:''[Kane has just decked out a fan and timekeeper Mark Yeaton, but Paul Bearer couldn't assure him enough that a constant tolling of bells was nothing... until they see a casket on the stage hit by a lightning bolt and the Undertaker rises out of it]''
:'''The Undertaker''': Welcome to HELL! I am the demon who will lead you into eternal damnation. Kane, you disappointed me. Is that the best effort that you can put together at the Royal Rumble? Did you think that could destroy me? Don't you know that you cannot destroy that does not wish to perish? And you, Paul, the ''audacity'' to come out here week after week and claim responsibility for my disappearance! The fact of the matter is: all those times when I return to the world of darkness it's of my own appoint. It's a time for spiritual healing. It's a time for the truth, and I know the truth. At this trip, what I was doing was soothing the souls of my parents, because I had to explain to them why I would have to do the one thing I promised never to do. Kane...
:'''Paul Bearer''': You're not The Phenom anymore! I'm standing next to the real Phenom!
:''[Kane lights up the stage but Undertaker passes right through the fireworks]''
:'''Undertaker''': I will walk straight through the FIRES OF HELL to face you, Kane! And when you look into the eyes of your older brother, you will understand why, I am the most feared entity in the World Wrestling Federation. You will understand why, I am the Reaper of Wayward Souls and you will understand why I am the Lord of Darkness. Kane, there is one thought that I want you to think about between now and WrestleMania 14 – March 29th. I want you to remember, when we were small children, and we would begin to fight, mother and father were always there to pull me off of you. Well, this time there won't be anyone to save you. May the hounds of hell eat your rotting soul and you will...Rest...In...Peace!

===March 16===
:''[legends vignette for WrestleMania XIV, featuring voiceovers of WWF legends over footage]''
:'''&quot;Classy&quot; Freddie Blassie''': I can still hear the echoes cheering my name.
:'''Killer Kowalski''': Time has not silenced the crowd.
:'''Ernie Ladd''': I never did a moonsault.
:'''Gorilla Monsoon''': or walked the top rope.
:'''Pat Patterson''': There were no pyrotechnics...
:'''Monsoon''': No fancy, flashing lights.
:'''Blassie''': We never flew through the air.
:'''Patterson''': We were men of courage...
:'''Kowalski''': Men of steel...
:'''Blassie''': They were men without fear.
:'''Ladd''': I can still hear the echoes cheering my name.
:'''Monsoon''': But today...
:'''Blassie''': I cheer for them.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[the lights are out again as Kane and Paul Bearer are in the ring ready to pounce on Sable; Undertaker appears at the top of the TitanTron]''
:'''Undertaker''': Kane, WrestleMania 14, I will strike down upon thee with anger and furious vengeance!!! I will deliver you to the fiery pits of eternal damnation. You will know my name as the Lord of Darkness! Little brother, I felt your wrath, now you're gonna feel mine. It's too late to turn back. The only thing that you can do now is Rest...In...Peace!!! ''[summons lightning bolt that opens upright casket at the stage, revealing an effigy of Kane that suddenly burns]''

===March 23===
:''[The Undertaker visits his parents' graves]''
:'''Undertaker''': Mother and Father, I've done some things in my life which I'm not very proud and I'm sure there's been occasions where I haven't live up to your expectations of me. I do hope that now, you'd understand, that I've come to my crossroads. The Devil himself stands before me in the form of my own flesh and blood, of my own brother Kane. Mother, please forgive me for the sin which I'm about to commit, a sin so heinous, but its something that must be done. In the end, I only hope that together, as one we can rest in peace, a family once again - and as such is not the case, I alone am willing to serve my penance. I am willing to burn in my own damnation. I'm willing to look my destiny in the eye and go where the Reaper leads me. Please understand, he's given me no other choice. I have to fight. Just know that I love you.

===March 30===
:''[HHH appears in the ring with Chyna after Wrestlemania XIV]''
:'''Triple H''': You know, a lot can happen in twenty-four hours... let's start with Mike Tyson. You know, I must have asked a thousand times, &quot;Is he locked in? Is he with us? Is he a part of us? Are you SURE? Is it sewn up?&quot; Heh - what I heard was &quot;Don't worry, kid - I got it covered. Don't sweat it. You worry too much - it's sewn up. Let me make the decisions.&quot; Well, you dropped the ball. But don't worry, HBK, 'cause Triple H picked it up, and now the ball is in MY court! I'll take care of the worries - I'll take care of the problems - and I'll make the decisions. This is the genesis of D-Generation X. Tonight, live in front of the world, I form the DX Army - an army to take care of business that should have been taken care of right from the start. And when you start an army, when you set out to do what no one else can do, the first thing you do is you look to your blood - you look to your buddies - you look to your friends. You look to the Kliq! ''[points to the stage and DX music plays... as Sean &quot;123 Kid&quot; Waltman appears and heads down to the ring to greet Triple H]'' You know, when you've been an indentured servant for two years, you run up a lot of feelings - talk to 'em, Kid.
:'''Sean &quot;123 Kid&quot; Waltman''': ALBANY NEW YORK - RAISE SOME HELL MAKE A LITTLE NOISE! First things first - I've got a little something I've got to get off my chest right now. I heard Hulk Hogan come out on television sayin' I couldn't cut the mustard. Well, Hulk Hogan, you suck, pal! So I don't think you have any room to talk about anybody cutting any kind of mustard. And Hulk, I got some... I got some more advice for ya. You'd better not stop short, or Eric Bischoff will go so far up your ass, he'll know what you had for breakfast!
:And now on to important matters at hand. I'm sittin' at home with my mind on my money and my money on my mind - and I get a call from one of my best friends o' my entire life, Triple H, and he says, &quot;DX needs your help.&quot; Well dammit, Triple H, any time you ever need anything from me, pal, you got it. And I got something else to say - Kevin Nash and Scott Hall would be standing right here with us if they weren't bein' held hostage by World Championship Wrestling and that's a fact Eric Bischoff, so put that in your pipe and smoke it! So the way I see it right now, this is a new beginning for D-Generation X, and we're here to rip ass on the World Wrestling Federation... AND IT STARTS TONIGHT!!!!
:'''Triple H''': Oh yeah, by the way, I got two words for ya...
:'''Kid''': SUCK IT!
:'''Triple H''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Paul Bearer gloats over Kane mauling Undertaker the night before]''
:'''Paul Bearer''': Undertaker! Behold, your brother. Undertaker...did you actually believe last night, after the 1, 2, 3 that it was all over? Did you actually think so!? You are looking at your flesh and blood - the only man to ever kick out of your famous Tombstone. Not once - but twice! And he would have done it a third time! Don't you know, Undertaker - you have had to change. After all this, I know you've had to change, deep down inside, that cold, cold heart that your body harbors!

:You have faced your flesh and blood, one on one! He beat you all over that ring last night - the whole world's seen it! You cowered in the corner, Undertaker, as your brother put his fist against your skull. After I returned to the hotel last evening, I put myself in bed, I shut my eyes. I was proud, but I was awoken at about 2am with a dream! Yes, Kane, I had a dream! In that dream, I saw a wrestling ring - in that dream, I saw the ring surrounded by fire... in that ring, I saw Kane, standing all alone. Undertaker, I challenge YOU to step into my dream - step into the ring - step into the fire and face your brother one more time! But the dream is not finished yet... in order to win this match, Undertaker, either you or your brother will have to '''CATCH FIRE!''' The loser must catch fire - an Inferno! Unforgiven! In! Your! House!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Austin gets his phone call after being arrested earlier]''
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': ''[patched to JR in the arena]'' Jesus Christ, this is Stone Cold Steve Austin. I get one phone call when you get locked up in jail and I'm sure Vince McMahon thought I was gonna call a lawyer? ehhehehh!!! That ain't gonna happen! I want you to tell Vince McMahon firsthand, I think he's a sorry sorry son of a bitch and the last time I checked, the last time I checked when you give someone the Stone Cold Stunner, it ain't punishable by the death penalty, so that means, Vince McMahon's ass belongs to Stone Cold Steve Austin, and next week on RAW IS WAR, he's gonna find out just how pissed off Stone Cold Steve Austin is and I can guarantee you one thing, it ain't gonna be a very fun night for Vince McMahon next Monday night and if that don't work, I'll pay his ass a house call just like I've done in the past. Vince McMahon will find out, Austin 3:16 say I just whipped your ass and that's what's gonna happen!

===April 6===
:''[Cactus Jack appears]''
:'''Cactus Jack''': I have always taken a lot of chances in the ring and some very bad things have happened to me over the years, but I've always had the comfort of knowing that when I looked at my career, my dreams, the things I accomplished, the things I'd set my heart on... that it was always worth the pain. So people ask, &quot;Cactus, so how's your neck?&quot;, I say, that I'll be damned, if I'm gonna let a group of SCUM like DX put Cactus Jack away.

:No, I guess, you see, that... Terry Funk's not here and I haven't talked to Terry, but I've left a message on his answering machine and I'm not saying this to sound tough, but Cactus Jack and Terry Funk do not miss wrestling matches! So I have to guess, if the Funker was hurt enough to fly home, that it's probably pretty bad. And I really wish that people could know Terry a little bit more than what they see in the ring, because people will always debate on who the greatest wrestler of all time is, but I guarantee you, you ask every damn last bunch of people in the dressroom, they'll say that Terry Funk is the gutsiest old bastard they've ever seen in their lives.

:And I guess you've probably seen Terry's back, and I hope you saw WrestleMania because it was a tremendous match and I'm very proud of it, and Terry was laying there on the bed with his belt and he said, &quot;Cactus, I'm gonna be alright because I consider this the last match of my career.&quot; See, Terry always wanted to retire as a WWF champion and he said, &quot;Cactus, it's all been worth it, but we don't have those belts now, do we?&quot; And I'm not gonna get into the reason why, but I will say, that when Cactus Jack was laying - and I was conscious and I could move, but it was very hard to move and I was not very far from being unconscious - and when I looked at Terry Funk, well, I heard something in my... in my ears that - I gotta tell you the truth - it kinda made me sick! That's... there was an announcement being made, thanking the fans for coming to the WWF event... and they said something about Stone Cold Steve Austin... and, uh, yeah, people... people started chanting his name. And it's... it's funny, because... when I came here two years ago and I was Mankind, there were always people saying, &quot;Why don't you just be Cactus Jack?&quot; Then I came out in tie-dye and white boots, and they said, &quot;You know, why don't you just be Cactus Jack?&quot; Well, I gave you Cactus Jack. I GAVE YOU EVERY GODDAMN PIECE OF ENERGY I HAD... and when I was laying there, helpless... you chanted someone else's name... ''[stands up]''

:This is not a knock on Stone Cold Steve Austin! Hey I'm happy he's the champion, and he may not admit it, but we've known each other a long time, and he's been my friend. But what you did to me and Terry Funk laying here in the middle of the ring was not only distasteful and disrespectful, it was goddamn disgusting... and I'm gonna give you a chance to make it up to me... because I'm gonna accept a group apology right now. ''[feels crowd heat]'' Well... I can finally say for the first time, after 13 years of blood, sweat and tears, that it's not worth it anymore. It's gonna be a long time before you see Cactus Jack in a ring again. ''[drops mic and leaves ring]''

===April 13===
:''[Shane McMahon and Jim Ross are in Vince McMahon's locker room asking him not to take up Steve Austin's challenge for a WWF title match]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': You get to the car, ok? ''[slams coat onto the table]'' Get my bag and bring it back here.
:'''Shane McMahon''': ''[over Vince's command]'' This is the dumbest decision you've ever made.
:'''Vince''': It may be.
:'''Gerald Brisco''': No it's not.
:'''Shane''': This is the dumbest decision you've ever made!
:'''Brisco''': No, it's not!
:'''Vince''': ''[to JR as Shane storms out]'' And you, you go out there and do your job please, thank you very much.

===April 27===
:''[DX - the New Age Outlaws, Chyna, and XPac, assemble near a military jeep with recoilless cannon]''
:'''Triple H''': Attention! ''[the four stand at attention with Chyna poking her M-16 into Road Dogg's crotch. starts pacing back and forth]'' At ease, men. ''[group goes at ease. Billy Gunn has his rocket launcher tucked like an erect penis and lowers it a bit]'' I said at ease! ''[rocket launcher is lowered more]'' That's better. ''[walks to Billy]'' Stand up straight, soldier. Today we embark on a mission. We have seen the enemy, and he's near. So today, we're gonna go down there.
:'''DX members''': Down where, sir? 
:'''HHH''': There ''[makes crotch gesture]'' and we will blow them out of the water. This mission, should you choose to accept it, will start at the [[w:Norfolk Scope|Norfolk Scope]], with ''[mock Southern drawl]'' Dubya-C-Dubya, the Rasslin' ''[to normal voice]'' and it will end right here tonight, at the [[w:Hampton Roads Coliseum|Hampton Roads Coliseum]], for RAW is WAR. This is your mission, ''[XPac makes a few unintelligible words]'' if you choose to accept it, ladies and gentlemen, if you choose to accept it, it will be all for one and ''[gestures open-palm to DX]''
:'''All DX members''': One for All, so ''[makes DX crotch chop]'' SUCK IT! ''[talk amongst themselves as they mount the jeep. HHH stands on the shotgun seat]''
:'''HHH''': ''[gestures with baton]'' ATTACK!!! ''[DX starts moving]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Paul Bearer has just cut a promo about Kane's predicament at Unforgiven, revealing Kane is his son]''
:'''Jim Ross''':... and of course, the Undertaker obviously was shocked. What we're hearing then is that Paul Bearer is Kane's father.
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': And do you know what that means? You don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure that out - that means Paul Bearer had to sleep with the Undertaker's mother!
:'''Ross''': Good Lord..
:'''Lawler''': Whoa!! ''[scoffs and laughs at the revelation]''

===May 4===
:'''Mick Foley''': Cut this music... does anybody here know my name? Because to tell you the truth, I don't know who the hell I am anymore. At Unforgiven, I beat Stone Cold Steve Austin - no I do not have the heavyweight title, but I came real close. And for those of you who've never been on the receiving end of a Stone Cold ass-kicking, let me tell you, it doesn't feel that good... If you were to ask Stone Cold Steve Austin how he felt the next day, well he probably would say he didn't feel a whole hell of a lot better.

:So now, how do I get rewarded for my efforts at Unforgiven? By receiving a rematch? No! By being proclaimed the No.1 contender? No! You see, that honor went to... Goldust. The last time I checked my resume, I was going head to head with the heavyweight champion of the world. The last time I checked the resume of Goldust, that panty-wearing pansy... he was wearing a black teddy in a woman's negligee match. And now the WWF has informed me that I am to wrestle Terry Funk in a no-holds-barred, falls-count-anywhere match. And I guess I know what Vince McMahon must thinking, 'hey let those two kill each other and I won't have to deal with them anymore.'

:You see, I don't have all the answers, but I do know a few things. Number one, I'll be damned if I'm going to throw away 13 years of hard work by sucking up to a low-life like Vince McMahon; number two, I'll be damned if I'm gonna let my wife and kids see me bumping and grinding with a couple of second rate strippers on national television; and number three, I'll be damned if I perform in this stuff ''[Dude Love Outfit]'' ever again. What I'd like right now is to have Vince McMahon out here, because I, Cactus Jack, want some answers and I want them right now! I am waiting for your replay! Vince McMahon, if you are a man, you come out here and face the music. ''[Vince McMahon enters the ring]'' Vince, I don't care what you do - if you bury it ''[Dude Love Outfit]'', you burn it or you put it on yourself, but you will not make me dress up like a horse's ass... EVER... are we understood? ARE WE?&quot;

:'''Vince McMahon''': You've got guts enough to call me out before you? Me? The owner of the World Wrestling Federation? You've got guts enough to call me out before you and all these people? Who the hell do you think you are? Let me tell you something - sure, you hold a victory over Stone Cold Steve Austin at Unforgiven, but you didn't get the job done, because Stone Cold Steve Austin is still the World Wrestling Federation champion!

:And the next night, sure, Goldust becomes the #1 contender, how do you react? You kvetch, you bitch, you cry, you moan, just like all these other people would at their lost opportunity, because you see... they have to make excuses when they don't get that raise, they don't get that promotion, they have to make excuses - I would expect better from you and then... you think I'm trying to punish you by booking you in a match with your best friend, Terry Funk, a no-holds-barred match?
:'''Mick''': Yes, I do!
:'''Vince''': That's not a punishment, THAT'S REWARD, that's what it is, a REWARD!
:'''Mick''': How you figure?
:'''Vince''': Because I believe that you and I are a lot alike. I believe that you recognize this as it truly is. You see, I take adversity and turn it into triumph... This match that you have with your best friend is an opportunity, and that's what I give better than anybody else in the world, opportunity... don't you see? Can't you clearly see this picture? Who've you been listening to?

:Because, if you seize this moment, if you take your best friend out to this ring tonight, and you not only beat him, but beat him... an inch from his life, if you tear him limb from limb... if you REACH INTO HIS CHEST AND PULL OUT HIS HEART... AND HOLD IT AND THE BLOOD DRIPS DOWN ALL OVER YA... THEN YOU WOULD'VE MADE the kind of sacrifice that's necessary to become the #1 contender, the kind of sacrifice that's necessary to BEAT Stone Cold Steve Austin, THE KIND OF SACRIFICE that's necessary TO BE the World Wrestling Federation champion!

:I've got faith in you! I've got confidence in you! Because I believe, deep down in that demented cranium.. you can do it! You can do it! You can seize this opportunity and once again become the #1 contender for the World Wrestling Federation championship. When I came out here, you threw Dude Love into my face... How does it feel for me to throw the truth into yours? 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After JR announces an exclusive interview by Jerry Lawler on Paul Bearer, nobody notices the camera still on and the King is very inquisitive about Kane]''
:'''Paul Bearer''': I told you about it. You hear what I told him. I told the world he's my son. He is my son Jerry, it's that simple.
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Cmon, so you're telling me-
:'''Bearer''': He's my son!
:'''Lawler''': You're telling me-
:'''Bearer''': You don't believe me?
:'''Lawler''': You're telling me, you're telling me you nailed the Undertaker's mother.
:'''Bearer''': Well, I nailed - nailed - I ''[Lawler scoffs]'' Okay.
:'''King''': Tell me how that...
:'''Bearer''': Jerry, can I trust you?
:'''King''': I'll tell nobody.
:'''Bearer''': I was 19 years old and I was present at the funeral home. I went out on Tuesday nights to the wrestling matches like I always do with my friends, had a few beers. Coming to the funeral home, there she was in this little titty outfit. I've never been ''[Lawler begins to laugh]'' don't tell nobody. I've never been with a woman before at that point. I wasn't fat like I am now, in fact Jerry I was kinda ''[fixes up tie]'' studly. 
:'''King''': Oh yeah right?
:'''Bearer''': I was! Anyway, I come through the door and... she took me right there! Right there!
:'''King''': Wait where, on the embalming table or something?
:'''Bearer''': No no, in the kitchen floor.
:'''King''': Oh no!
:'''Bearer''': Yeah, in the kitchen floor of the ''[slaps thigh]'' funeral home.
:'''King''': ''[starts to giggle and laugh]'' Paul Bearer slips the salami to the Undertaker's mother on the kitchen floor.
:'''Bearer''': In the kitchen floor in the apartment of the funeral home.
:'''King''': Swear to God.
:'''Bearer''': I swear. It's the gospel truth. That's the way it happened. She took me, an innocent 19-year-old boy, as I lost my virginity to her. ''[as Lawler laughs]'' It's true!
:'''King''': Paul Bearer buries his bologna in the Undertaker's mother.
:'''Bearer''': She was a moaning, and a groanin, and screamin'... and I heard some little feet coming down the stairs. It's a good thing I got up, 'cause it was little Taker coming down the stairs. Stopped me just in time, ''[Lawler laughs]'' and if he did took two more steps, he'd have seen his momma's feet, one was in New York, the other was in LA!!! ''[they laugh as Bearer kicks his legs in delight]''
:'''King''': Can you imagine if little Undertaker had come in and seen Paul Bearer and his mother bumping uglies?

===May 25===
:''[Vince McMahon and the stooges come back to the ring after Austin accepts his apology over the mauling the previous week and arrest]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': I hope you've had some fun here tonight, Austin. Hope you're real proud of yourself of what you've accomplished. How dare you have me arrested in public like a common criminal! And pour beer down the back of my neck, and then place conditions upon my release, a condition of apology WHICH I DID NOT MEAN!!! and yet, another condition that should someone interfere to stand guard while I officiate the match at the pay-per-view this Sunday to ensure that I call the match fair and square, I accept that condition too and I'll tell you why, because other than [[Godzilla (1998 film)|Godzilla]] recently being released, there isn't one WWF superstar on the roster that can intimidate me, not one!

===June 1===
:''[Mick Foley has called out Mr McMahon over their failure to take down Stone Cold Steve Austin at Over the Edge and also expressed how good it was to bash him with a steel chair]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Why don't you do it again? Why don't you do it right now ''[points to chair]'' There's the chair. Come on, come on, ''[as Mick picks up and they go around the ring]'' make my day Dude, come on... Come on, HIT ME! Come on, hit me with the chair, come on, blast me - and just think about that college education, that college fund you've got for your kids, going ppft right in the air! Come on, come on dude, hit me! Come on, what about that new house you just moved into, huh? What about it? You know the one, the 20-year mortgage? TWENTY YEARS!! Hit me, come on hit me with the chair! What about that little fund you got set aside, for your parents, you know the one! You'd go through that in no time at all. Come on, Dude, come on Dude... Hit me, Dude. ''[Mick Foley sits down as Vince's taunts hit a raw nerve]'' COME ON, HAVE SOME GUTS FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, COME ON, HIT ME WITH THE BLOODY CHAIR!! COME ON! Let me tell you something: the only reason I haven't fired Stone Cold Steve Austin is because he makes me richer! You know what you make me, Dude? ''[closer to Mick's face]'' All you do, is make me SICK! So I'll tell you what... your services in the World Wrestling Federation are no longer required. ''[later starts dancing as Dude Love music airs then leaves the ring]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Undertaker appears in casual attire]''
:'''Undertaker''': Let's start from the beginning, some ten years ago when I first arrived in the World Wrestling Federation. Vince McMahon was known as somebody that would give somebody an opportunity, even if they were just a little different. And Vince McMahon did just that. He gave me the chance to be myself, to be the Undertaker. But you see, that's where all the giving stops and all the taking began. Shortly after my arrival here in the World Wrestling Federation I became the slayer of the dragons. Then you ask what do I mean by that? Vince McMahon knew that I would be loyal for him giving me an opportunity, so what he did is he put every giant, every freak that he knew his handpicked champions couldn't beat and he'd stick me on 'em. And I'd beat 'em, I destroyed 'em and I moved on. What I did for Vince McMahon was make his kingdom safe for himself and all of his handpicked champions. The whole time I knew that my time would come. And after I made his kingdom safe and there was no one left, well then I got my opportunities. Oh yes, I am a two-time former World Wrestling Federation champion. But as you all know, my tenures as champion, they didn't last very long. Why? Because Vince McMahon didn't want someone like the Undertaker representing the World Wrestling Federation, but I remained loyal, even after all his hand-chosen favorites left town for greener pastures—more money—I stayed here. I stayed by his side thinking my time would come. How do I get repaid for that? He forces me to fight my own brother. He gives Paul Bearer an open forum to discuss every tragic incident that ever happened in the life of the Undertaker. For what reason? Let me tell you why: Because it's all ratings! He put my family tragedy on the line for ratings. And even after all that, I never lost my smile, I kept on fighting, and as I've been taking care of family business, Stone Cold Steve Austin rises to the top. But don't get me wrong, I got nothing against Steve Austin. The only thing Steve Austin ever did was come to the ring and fight me like a man—and that's all I ever asked. But you see, Vince, after the years of mistreatment and after the last eight months of you throwing my family up in my face, I've had enough. Now it's time the Undertaker got was is rightfully his. I demand... my shot... at the World Wrestling Federation title. Now, I've done enough talking. Now, Vince McMahon, Mr. McMahon, whatever it is you like to be called, I think it's time you've got your pencil-neck-geeked ass out here and face the Reaper. 
:''[Vince McMahon appears and enters the ring. He suddenly takes the mic from Taker]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': I'm gonna give you the answer you're looking for in just a minute, but first you're gonna hear me out! After all I've done for you, you choke-slammed me damn near to hell last week! ''[audience pops]'' You hovered over me like a giant vulture last night - and why? To get my attention? You got it! You got it. You wanna talk about loyalty, dedication, honor, all those qualities you have—I'll grant you that and I'm appreciative for it, but you know, let's face it: What have you done for Vince McMahon lately?
:As far as your family is concerned, all your family problems, I've got a question for you. Is Paul Bearer telling the truth when he said that your mother was a whore? ''[stops Undertaker from a sudden reaction]'' I've got to ask. You want the answer? You want the answer? You wanna be the number one contender. You deserve to be the number one contender. That's what you want, that's what you'll get. Sure, no problem. You'll get it. ''[goes outside ropes]'' You'll get it if you defeat your opponent in this ring tonight. There you go, you got what you wanted, okay? So whoever wins the match between you and your opponent will be the number one contender in this ring, live, tonight. So let's see what happens, Undertaker, let's see what happens '''when you have to face your brother, Kane!!!'''

===July 6===
:''[Kane has just taken down Mankind as the No 1 contender for Austin at Fully Loaded, as Vince McMahon and Steve Austin watch along with JR and Jerry Lawler]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': What about it, Austin? Kane...
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Look, look... ''[Kane takes off his mask to reveal it's the Undertaker underneath]''
:'''Jim Ross''': It's not Kane! ''[Austin is surprised]'' It's the Undertaker, it's the Undertaker... ''[the Undertaker makes a throat-slitting motion to Austin]'' the Undertaker's the No 1 contender!!!

===July 27===
:''[Kaientai and their leader, Yamaguchi-san have just seen Val Venis defeat Brian Christopher]''
:'''Yamaguchi-san''': Val Venis, look at me! Listen! Kaientai's gonna challenge you to a match next week. Val Venis, listen. After we win that match, I'll give you a big surprise to you! ''[gives mic to Dick Togo while Funaki readies a large salami roll on a wooden table. Yamaguchi-san slices it with a katana to his roaring delight.]''
:'''Jim Ross''': ''[stunned]'' That's, that's a pretty subtle message...
:'''Yamaguchi-san''': I choppy-choppy your pee-pee!! HAHAHAA!!!

===August 3===
:''[Taka Michinoku has just turned on Val Venis during their match against Kaientai, and everybody's beating up Val]''
:'''Jim Ross''': What in the heck is going on here? Why did Taka do this?
:'''Taka Michinoku''': ''[points to Mrs Yamaguchi-san]'' Sister! My sister!!!
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What did he just say? My sister?
:'''Ross''': Is Mrs Yamaguchi Taka Michinoku's sister?
:'''Lawler''': That's what he's saying. Well, that explains it JR. I mean, she not only disgraced Yamaguchi-san, but Taka's entire family! 

===August 10===
:''[Jerry Lawler talks to Val Venis about how his ordeal with Kaientai went the week before]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Are you still hanging in there?
:'''Val Venis''': Hello, ladies. You know tonight I come to you a humble man, half the man that I used to be, but you know, it's like they say - you live by the sword and you die by the sword. You know there's only one way to stop the mighty boa - and that's to sever it at the head. Well ladies, you better take a rain check on them new snakeskin boots, because - because - the Big Valbowski is alive and ready to bite, baby! Well you know something, thanks to a cold butcher's block, heh heh heh, and a little shrinkage, and of course my good friend, John Wayne Bobbitt, who just happened to cut the lights just at the appropriate time, the Big Valbowski is standing at full attention, cocked, rocked and ready to unload.
:'''[[w:John Wayne Bobbitt|John Wayne Bobbitt]]''': We live on the edge - Val ordered a club soda with a slice and the bartender tried to cut us off.
:'''Lawler''': John I don't want to cut you short - but I understand your ex-wife Lorena actually threw something out the window and it was lost out there for a while, but they found it right?
:'''Bobbitt''': Yeah they found it.
:'''Lawler''': Well that's a good thing because I was thinking how funny a picture of that would look on the side of a milk carton.
:'''Venis''': ''[to Yamaguchi-san's wife]'' Baby, it's been a long, hard road - but it ends right here, baby! You know something, ah don't cry baby, you see NO woman is worth the trouble that you brought me - no woman! I hope you enjoyed the ride baby, because this is where you get off! So take your shoes from under my bed and hit the bricks. ''Adios!'' Goodbye lady!

===September 14===
:''[Val Venis cuts into Dustin Rhodes' promo]''
:'''Val Venis''': Repent? Repent for what, Dustin? Because I work hard? Or is it because I... play hard? Oh and by the way, Dustin, speaking of work, let me introduce you to my latest video, entitled, ''The Preacher's Wife''. ''[TitanTron plays clip of The Preacher's Wife. A Film by Val Venis]''
:'''Venis''': ''[in video toting cigar in a hotel room bed]'' Hello Dustin. You know something, after you jumped me from behind last night, I was a little hurt. In fact, I even needed a little TLC. So after I got back to the hotel, I made a little phone call to the one person who could take my mind off all my aches and pains, and make the Big Valbowski stand proud once again. ''[Terri Runnels appears out of the blanket, implying she was giving Val head]''
:'''Terri Runnels''': Hi Dustin. ''[goes back under]''
:'''Venis''': and again, and again... ''[laughs]''
:'''Dustin Runnels''': ''[mouths off]'' My God... ''[breaks down kneeling with hands to his face]''
:'''Venis''': ''[laughs]'' I guess getting on your knees, Dustin, RUNS IN THE FAMILY!!!

===September 28===
:''[Vince is bitterly angry that Austin crashed his WWF Championship awarding ceremony for the Undertaker and Kane]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Before I was so rudely interrupted, Undertaker and Kane, we were about to present the WWF Championship. However, if you recall, the deal was, Undertaker and Kane, you would get the title shot as long as you kept Stone Cold Steve Austin away from me. For three times, three times in less than a week, Austin has brutally attacked me!!
:'''Jerry Lawler''': That's right.
:'''Vince McMahon''': So let me say this, you didn't live up to your end of the deal, I'm not gonna live up to mine! ''[Undertaker glares at him]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What? What is he saying, J.R.?
:'''Vince McMahon''': You're gonna have to fight for it! On the next pay-per-view, October 18, you two are gonna battle it out for the WWF Championship...
:'''Jim Ross''': That's at Judgment Day in three weeks...
:'''McMahon''': ...whether you like it or not. And by the way, since you can't seem to keep Stone Cold out of your business and mine, good, I'm gonna put him in it. Austin is gonna be the guest referee.
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh my God in heaven.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What?
:'''Jim Ross''': Austin will referee Kane and the Undertaker at Judgment Day.
:'''McMahon''': And Stone Cold, Austin, I just hope that somewhere, your cellmate is telling you all of this right about now, because I wanna be there to watch him suffer the indignity of having to count one of you two monsters to the WWF Championship.
:'''Lawler''': Can you imagine that?
:'''McMahon''': However, so that everyone in this arena is not cheated, so that everyone at home watching ''Raw'' gets their money's worth, that in this ring tonight, you will see Undertaker and Kane in a handicap tag-team match, against three individuals...
:'''Jim Ross''': Three?
:'''McMahon''': ...Ken Shamrock, Mankind, and The Rock!
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh yeah! Shamrock, Mankind, The Rock against the Undertaker and Kane here tonight live.
:'''McMahon''': And maybe, just maybe you could get it right, I'd like to wish you the best of luck. You know why? I think you two are gonna need it because as far as I'm concerned, it's like dealing with the handicapped. One's physical ''[referring to Kane]'' and the other is mental ''[referring to Undertaker]''. Good luck to you both.
:''[Undertaker grabs McMahon.]''
:'''Undertaker''': You need to watch your ass, because the next time you get out of line with either one of us, ''you're'' gonna be the one handicapped, and that I will promise.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Kane has just set up Mr. McMahon on the steel steps and Undertaker has the top two steps]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh no, holding the ankle and the knee across the steps...Undertaker ''[sees Taker raising the steps]'' NO NO NO!! ''[Taker kayfabe smashes steps on McMahon's left shin]'' OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!!!! ''[Taker leaves Vince reeling from the pain]'' Vince McMahon's leg's gotta be shattered now!!
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Don't move it, don't move it!
:'''Jim Ross''': McMahon writhing in pain, at the hands of the two men that will meet for the WWF title in the Rosemont Horizon at Judgment Day with Steve Austin as the referee!
:'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[sad and concerned]'' How could this happen, J.R.? McMahon didn't mean it when he called them handicapped! CALL A DOCTOR!!!!
:'''Pat Patterson''': ''[over JR's commentary as he helps Vince]'' ...I can't believe it, those dirty bastards, they BROKE HIS LEG! Get somebody out here!
:'''Jim Ross''': McMahon, McMahon needs an ambulance. Well, you better not move him! My God, what else can happen here?

===October 5===
:'''Nurse''': ''[to Mr. McMahon]'' It looks just fine to me. ''[to a doctor]'' How about you, doctor?
:'''Steve Austin''': ''[disguising as a doctor]'' I'll take it from here, nurse.
:'''Vince McMahon''': NO!
:''[Austin attacks Vince McMahon.]''
:'''McMahon''': Get him off me! Get him off me!!
:'''Austin''': ''[mumbles as he strips off Vince's shirt]'' How about your foot? ''[attacks Vince McMahon's injured ankle, on a cast at the foot of the bed. McMahon shrieks in pain]'' What do you think about that? 
:''[Austin slams Vince McMahon with a bedpan, and he falls off the bed]''
:'''Austin''': Calling Dr. Austin--Get up, you piece of trash. Get up, you piece of sh- ''[manhandles Vince back to bed]'' Calling Dr Austin we got a emergency!
:'''McMahon''': No, NOO!! 
:'''Austin''': ''[sets up defibrillator]'' Everybody clear ''[shocks Vince and stoomps on him on the floor]''
:'''McMahon''': ''[as Austin bends him over the bed and he gets an enema-like device connected to an IV drip]'' No! No please no!! No, help me, please!
:'''Austin''': I've always known you were full of shit, Vince. You just bow down. This is gonna hurt you more than it'll hurt me! ''[kayfabe jams device up Vince's butt. Vince screams loudly]'' You piece of trash!

===October 12===
:''[A cement truck appears.]'' 
:'''Jim Ross''': What the hell is that?
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What is that?
:'''Jim Ross''': Is that...?
:'''Jerry Lawler''': It's a cement truck, and it's Stone Cold Steve Austin driving it.
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh my. Stone Cold Steve Austin is in the building.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What is that idiot doing? We've seen him driving a Zamboni, now he's driving around a cement truck?
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh folks, this is going to get real interesting. The Rattlesnake is here. Is that going to make Mr. McMahon happy or not? We'll find out next.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Michael Cole''': Stone Cold, what the hell are you doing? A cement truck?
:'''Steve Austin''': You heard it. I've got an open invitation, so I don't know what you're worked up about. But what I will tell you, if I wanted to get that one-legged bastard, Vince McMahon, and tell him to get his ass out here, because what I'm going to do might create a bit of interest in the McMahon side of the family. Now get your ass out here because I've got some work to do and I want to check my equipment out.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Steve Austin is driving a cement truck toward Vince McMahon's Corvette.]'' 
:'''Jim Ross''': Wait a minute.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': I knew it JR. He's trying to drive it right in here, then get ready to run. He'll run over us.
:'''Jim Ross''': Wait a minute, there's...
:'''Lawler''': Hey, wait a minute, don't run over Mr. McMahon's Corvette.
:'''Ross''': I don't think he's... ''[sees Austin setting up the mixer's metal trough on the car]'' it doesn't look like he's going to run over it.
:'''Lawler''': Wait a minute!
:'''Ross''': Oh my God, I don't believe this.
:'''Lawler''': You can't do that!
:'''Ross''': I do not believe this, ladies and gentlemen.
:'''Lawler''': Mr. McMahon! Mr. McMahon!
:'''Ross''': That's one of the Corvettes in Mr. McMahon's collection.
:'''Lawler''': That's a $50,000 car! No! J.R.! ''[cement mixture is poured into the car]'' NOOOO!
:'''Ross''': Oh my God! Oh my! Austin is loading McMahon's car with cement.
:'''Vince McMahon''': ''[watching it on the monitor]'' That's my Corvette!!!!
:'''Ross''': McMahon's car is being loaded with cement.
:'''Lawler''': Oh my God!
:''[The cement mix overflows, breaking the car's side and rear windows.]'' 
:'''Jim Ross''': McMahon's prized Corvette, one of his collection, is being destroyed by the Rattlesnake.
:'''Lawler''': NOOOO!
:'''Ross''': The Rattlesnake has struck. ''[Austin leaves cement truck]'' And it looks like... Austin is coming our way.
:'''Lawler''': Somebody call the cops!!!
:'''Ross''': Austin is heading our way. The Rattlesnake, will he be here next?
:'''Lawler''': 911!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steve Austin''': First off, I'd like to thank Mr. McMahon for the invitation here tonight. Well, I apologize to you, because I guess it must have been some mistake in the address that went to Austin 3:16 Construction Company. See, what you did, Vince, you screwed Stone Cold Steve Austin. Hell, son, it's easy to see that you submitted your own damn fate. Because you can rest assured that Stone Cold Steve Austin — as long as he's here right in the World Wrestling Federation and as long as you're here, too — I will make your life a living hell, and that's all I got to say about that! As far as this Sunday goes, Stone Cold Steve Austin, special referee... Hell, I'll be glad to put the striped shirt on, because I think I'd make a damn good referee for this match. If you think Stone Cold Steve Austin would make a damn good referee, give me a hell yeah! ''[audience reacts]'' I'll tell you this: After those two big bastards beat the living hell out of each other, you can bet your ass, that the only hand Stone Cold Steve Austin is gonna hold up is my own.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What?
:'''Steve Austin''': And the thing about this, Vince, there ain't a damn thing that you can do about it. ''[at the stage, Vince McMahon appears in a wheelchair]'' Awww... Go ahead and hurl your little ass down here!
:'''Vince McMahon''': ''[Big Boss Man and two police K9s and their handlers appear]'' As you were saying?
:'''Jerry Lawler''': There you go.
:'''Vince McMahon''': Stick it! Get him! Stick it! Get him!!! ''[Austin tries to rush Vince but stops when the dogs reach out short of him]'' Yeah come on, Austin! That's it! Yeah, come on! Come on!! ''[Austin flips off at him]'' I hope you're proud of yourself yeah, that's it, I hope you're real proud. What gives you the right to destroy other people's property? What gives you the right to pour concrete in one of my Corvettes? That was part of a collection and now you've ruined it! I just hope that the Stone Cold Steve Austin Construction Company gives you a pair of boots 'cause you're gonna need 'em tonight, let me tell you that! You're gonna need 'em, because you're gonna be wrestling in that ring tonight. Yeah, but you're not gonna be wrestling by yourself, oh no! I've got a partner picked out for you: the so-called People's Champion, The Rock!
:'''Jim Ross''': Austin and The Rock together?
:'''Vince McMahon''': Yeah, that's the good news — if there is any good news. The bad news is that you and The Rock will be facing two individuals that I hope annihilate each other this Sunday. You'll be facing The Undertaker and Kane! ''[audience pop]'' 
:'''Jim Ross''': Right here tonight live, Austin and The Rock against The Undertaker and Kane.
:'''Vince McMahon''': I also hope that the Austin 3:16 Construction Company is gonna provide you with a real good rear-view mirror, because I think some time tonight, you're gonna have to have eyes in the back of your head. I think, of all I've been through, these last two weeks — And I admit, my life has been a living hell. I admit—''[miffed at &quot;Asshole!&quot; chants]'' WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE?
:'''Austin''': I don't know how good your hearing is, but you got about 15,000 people calling you an asshole! ''[audience pop]''
:'''McMahon''': Over the last two weeks — it all started after you lost the WWF title, and you recklessly and carelessly drove that Zamboni at full speed into the arena — YOU DIDN'T CARE WHO YOU RAN OVER as long as you got to me! ''[anguished]'' And then from there, you got to me, alright. And after you did — And because of you, The Undertaker and Kane crushed my ankle. ''[gestures to ankle]'' It's crushed! I may never, ever again, play another polo match. I may never again ride a horse, ever. I may never again compete in an athletic event, and I hold you responsible!
:And then, in the hospital, last week — my god! My head is still ringing from being struck in the cranium by that big metal bed pan.
:'''Jim Ross''': Bed pan McMahon.
:'''McMahon''': My nervous system is still in shock over that defibrillation. And my rectal area, ''[cringes at recalling the moment]'' when you stuck... YOU VIOLATED ME, AUSTIN! YOU VIOLATED ME! That damn open hospital gown — Let me tell you something: As much humiliation have I had ''[corrects himself]'' that I have suffered, you're gonna suffer more and I'll tell you where, and I'll tell you when. It'll be this Sunday and it'll be in Chicago. Let me tell you something: If you don't raise the hand of the new World Wrestling Federation champion and humble yourself before me, then read my lips: I promise you, I GUARANTEE YOU, Austin, if you don't raise the hand of a new WWF champion, this Sunday, on the spot, I WILL FIRE YOUR ASS!
:'''Jim Ross''': Good God.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Woh. He guaranteed it.
:'''Austin''': You stupid bastard, you ain't got the balls to fire Stone Cold Steve Austin!
:'''McMahon''': ''[irked]'' I don't have the balls? I've got balls the size of grapefruits! And this Sunday, you're gonna be picking the seeds out of your teeth, because, Austin, you will be humbled! I guarantee it! One way or the other — the easy way: you raise the hand of a champion. The hard way: I PUBLICLY, I GUARANTEE, I WILL ''[points at Austin with every word] '''FIRE YOUR ASS THIS SUNDAY!''''' Hit the music!
:''[Vince McMahon leaves.]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': He meant it, JR. He guaranteed it.
:'''Jim Ross''': I'll tell you one thing. When McMahon guaranteed that Austin would lose the WWF title, it happened. And now McMahon has guaranteed that if Stone Cold Steve Austin does not humble himself and raise the hand of a new WWF Champion this Sunday on pay-per-view, that Austin will be fired right on the spot.

===October 19===
:''[all WWF Superstars are assembled in and around the ring for an address from Mr. McMahon]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': May I have your attention, please?! ''[crowd chants &quot;Asshole!&quot;]'' May I have your attention? I have a very important announcement to make as relates to the World Wrestling Federation Championship. As a result of an individual who is no longer gainfully employed here in the World Wrestling Federation, we have no World Wrestling Federation champion, as we speak. However, I assure you, that on the night of November 15 at the Survivor Series—as a matter of fact, I guarantee you... oh oh, there goes that word again: I guarantee you! Nonetheless, I guarantee you that on November 15 at the end of that evening we will have an undisputed WWF Champion, because on that night, at the Survivor Series, 16 WWF Superstars will compete in a one-night tournament to determine just who will be the next undisputed WWF Champion.

:Now, as far as some of the events of last night are concerned: Seems as though some of you are in a state of shock, some of you are in a state of disbelief. ''[more 'Asshole!' chants]'' If I am, I'm damn proud of it! Some of you are certainly in a state of shock as—'Did Vince McMahon really fire Stone Cold Steve Austin last night?' Well, for the benefit of those of you who did not join us on pay-per-view, last night at Judgment Day—how appropriate: Judgment Day! Let me repeat the words I said to Stone Cold Steve Austin: 'Austin, screw you! You're fired!' How did Austin take this news? Well, I show you how he took this news, on the TitanTron; if you'll direct your attention, someone from the production will put up a freeze frame of Stone Cold Steve Austin's face. And as soon as Stone Cold heard those words, Stone Cold had that look on his face. ''[gloats about the shot]'' A look of disbelief! He couldn't believe he had just been fired. Austin, as a matter of fact, started mumbling about something about hunting season or going hunting—I didn't know what he meant until this morning someone told me that rumor was, Austin was indeed hunting. He was hunting for a job!

:Austin, if you ever come into a World Wrestling Federation arena again, then you'll do so just like this capacity crowd: You'll have to buy a ticket, Austin! ''[more 'Asshole!' chants]'' So, what did it feel like? Many of you are saying to yourself, 'My God, what's it like to be Vince McMahon? What's it like to have the balls to fire Stone Cold Steve Austin?' I really wondered. I wondered if Austin provoked me, how I would feel. And last night I searched. And last night, when I fired Austin, I'll admit it felt pretty damn good. At the end of the evening, after asking that question again, I was convinced it felt great. And then, this morning—you know, when you look into that mirror, bright and early, when you first get up, that soul-searching—Alright, Vince McMahon, how did you feel after firing Stone Cold Steve Austin? You know what it felt like to me this morning? IT WAS BETTER THAN SEX!

:Which brings me as to why each and everyone of you stand before me as WWF Superstars. Hopefully, you all learned the lesson that Stone Cold learned last night. Hopefully, no one in that ring will EVER cross the boss, because none of you are as big as Vince McMahon! You know, all that Austin 3:16 paraphernalia out there, T-shirts, what have you? Another rumor going around... that it's going like hotcakes, because now Austin 3:16—that's a collector's item, you see! Now there's a new expression. A new expression that's gonna be sweeping the nation, sweeping the globe; and that's McMahon 3:16... And McMahon 3:16 says, &quot;I've got the brass to fire your ass.&quot; Thank you very much! Thank you, Gentlemen! ''[freeze frame shot of Austin turns into live shot of Austin at his truck, in hunting camouflage bringing his rifle and bow set]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Paul Bearer and Undertaker appear one day after they turned on Kane]''
:'''Undertaker''': As you can plainly see, there has been a reconciliation made. Brother, Paul has come home to lead my Ministry of Darkness. And I'm sure that there is those who can't understand because they have no vision how I could align myself once more with such a despicable, evil, maniacal individual. Well if those aren't reasons enough, I don't guess I can explain it any better. What we have, is someone with vision. Someone who truly understands the power of darkness. He allowed me to clear my head and refocus on what it is I'm here for. Now what we have is a beginning of a new era. And we will unleash with our Ministry of Darkness, a plague for which the World Wrestling Federation has never seen, nor will it be ever understood amongst those who do not relish in the darkness. So now, those of you, who do not declare, shall be declared!
:'''Paul Bearer''': Kane, I used you boy. Ever since you were a little child, I took care of you like a pet, like a put dog on a leash. Just for special occasions, yes I used you, because you're stupid! You're weak! You can't even speak for yourself! You turned your back on me twice. The first time was 8 weeks ago, the last time was last night boy! You could never understand the darkness Kane, that's why I'll never have any use for you again.
:'''Undertaker''': You know Kane, I know there is a thought that's been burning in your mind for years. You really wanna know what happened the day you caught on fire? Well listen, and listen close: '''I set that fire!''' And I set it because you were weak as a child, and you are weak now. And we have no room for the weak. Only the strong shall survive.
:''[Kane comes with a casket, looks like he is going to challenge Undertaker]''
:'''Kane''': You and I... tonight... casket match! And brother... you will... REST IN PEACE!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Having held Vince McMahon hostage all night long, Austin ups the ante with a toy revolver that reads BANG 3:16]''
:'''Austin''': You've got to remember, Vince, it wasn't Stone Cold that screwed Vince McMahon, it was Vince McMahon that screwed Vince McMahon. ''[notices pants]'' I think you've got a problem there. Looks like we've got another shirt out on the way. That shirt might just say, &quot;McMahon 3:16 says, 'I just pissed my pants.'&quot;

===October 26===
:''[Vince McMahon appears with his lawyers, Sgt Slaughter and the stooges plus Big Boss Man]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Against, against my volition, Stone Cold Steve Austin is here in this arena, tonight. Not only do I hold Stone Cold Steve Austin responsible for every single, reprehensible act he committed against me, I want all of you people to know, that I hold ''[points to audience] each and every one of you'' responsible as well! My God, what's the matter with you people? I've lost all faith in humanity! Where the hell are your values? Where are your morals!? Whatever happened to the Good Samaritan? Where were you in my hour of need? I'll tell you where you were: you were cheering for every act of humiliation Austin committed against me! You savored every violation, every liberty that Austin took against me, but what you enjoyed the most was when Austin forced me to go to the ring. He made me get down on my knees, he made me beg! He made me... ''[saddened]'' he made me cry! He made me urinate myself! ''[angry]'' And where were you? Where were any of you? No one came to my aid. ''[to stooges]'' Not you, Brisco! Not you Patterson, or the Commissioner, no one. My ankle has been reinjured, I've ruined a perfectly good Armani suit. I hurt all over. But most of all, my feelings have been hurt. They have been crushed, but despite the injury, the insult Austin, after the injury I will never ever forgive you for! That wasn't a letter of introduction you jammed down in my coat pocket oh no, that was a legal document Austin and you know damn well then it was a legal document, and with this battery of attorneys I have behind me, Austin, I will fight you. I will fight you in court if I can, hell I'll fight you all the way to the Supreme Court! Austin, before you make your next move, you better take stock in what I say.
:'''Steve Austin''': ''[appears on TitanTron]'' Well speaking of stock, here am I. I've been stocking Pampers diapers, in case the bastard pisses all over himself! You know what I mean!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Shane McMahon appears as Vince fumes at Austin being employed in the WWF with a new contract and ignores his calls to join him on the stage]''
:'''Shane McMahon''': I don't listen to you anymore. I am an officer, more importantly, a stockholder of this company, and what you did to Stone Cold Steve Austin was wrong, Dad. You were wrong.
:'''Vince McMahon''': ''[to the stooges]'' He's just a kid, he's just a kid!
:'''Shane''': I just wanted to tell you personally that it was me. It was ''me'', Dad, that hired Stone Cold back. Dad, it was me!... Hey, I guess I finally have your attention now, don't I? After 28 years, I FINALLY have your attention. I've seen superstars come, and I've seen superstars go, and why, Dad, why? Because it's always been about your ego! You said it yourself: no one's bigger than Vince McMahon, oh no! All my life, people have asked me, 'Boy, what's it like to be Vince McMahon's son? Wow, isn't that great?' And I have lied year after year after year... ''[gets more emotional]'' to protect you, to protect our family name. Well, the lying stops now! I'm tired of it!... You never cared about me! Everything—I couldn't do anything right for you. Nothing is ever right. My grades in school were never good enough for you. 
:'''Vince''': ''[in tears]'' Yes they were!
:'''Shane''': My athletic accomplishments were never good enough for you. My business deals—no matter how much money I made you—was never good enough for YOU! The only thing I ever wanted from you, the only thing I ever wanted, is for you to be proud of me. OF ME! But I finally figured it out: That's never ever gonna happen, because it's never been about me, it's been about you. YOU, DAD! ''[Vince closes his eyes and grimaces because Shane struck a raw nerve]'' It's always about perception. Perception. Ever since, I'm always known as Vince's boy. 'How does Vince's boy make him look?' It wasn't about me, it was about how I made you look, that perception, at your big corporate parties.
:'''Vince''': ''[saddened]'' You're my son—
:'''Shane''': Yeah, I'm your son, but I'm not your little boy anymore. I'm a man and I stand in this ring as a man. I'm no longer your boy, Dad. I'm proud of who I am. I am proud of the person I have become. My name is Shane McMahon, and for 28 years—for 28 years I've finally built up enough courage to face you here today, to stand up to YOU! I guess, now you have something to be proud of me about, don't you Dad? Because I finally stood up to you and I had the BRASS to do it!... Isn't it ironic? I guess, I'm just like you after all, isn't that right, Dad?!? ''[tosses mic back to Austin as Vince rebuffs Pat Patterson trying to comfort him]''
:'''Steve Austin''': If you think Vince got what he had comin', gimme a hell yeah.
:'''Audience''': HELL YEAH!!

===November 2===
:''[A wheelchair-bound Vince McMahon has just made Mankind promise he won't interfere in an upcoming match between Ken Shamrock and the Rock and has something for him]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': I have it for you. ''[takes off black sheet]'' This is the WWF Hardcore Championship belt, and Mick, you've earned it. You've earned it. ''[Big Boss Man moves away to open a door]''
:'''Mankind''': ''[accepts title and laughs]'' I love it! ''[kisses belt]'' I gotta be honest with you, I love it!
:'''Vince''': Just one thing. In some respects, I think I lost a son tonight... ''[puts hand on Mankind's shoulder]'' maybe I gained another.
:'''Mankind''': Really? ''[Vince drives off]'' Gee thanks, Dad. ''[Vince stops, visibly irked. Leaves]''

===November 23===
:''[The Undertaker and Paul Bearer are setting up a sedated Stone Cold Steve Austin to be embalmed alive]''
:'''The Undertaker''': ''[to Austin as Paul Bearer patches him up]'' I hope that you could hear me, because what you're about to experience is the worst imaginable pain and horror that you could ever endure. You see there, Austin? When one understands it, they become ageless. They become deathless. They become immortal!! ''[begins sacrificial oration]'' Satana, badala, anda ov satana ''[picks up trocar and prepares to stab Austin]'' Satana, nadala, anail, nathrak, dorthnei, diednei ''[knock on door and Paul Bearer answers]''
:'''Paul Bearer''': ''[sees who it is]'' Kane!!!

=== December 7 ===
:''[Austin comes to ring with everyone's cheer]''
:'''Steve Austin''': For the last few months, here in the World Wrestling Federation, with the title or without, Vince McMahon has seen fit to throw everything that he can at Stone Cold Steve Austin and somehow I've always managed to scrape by. That's all fine and well, but six days from now at Rock Bottom in a Buried Alive match, in my opinion, the stakes are stacked higher than they've ever been for Stone Cold Steve Austin. Undertaker, you come out here, talk about sacrificing me, about wanting my soul, you hit me in the head with a shovel, you tried to bury me, you tried to embalm me and none of that worked... in the Ministry of Stone Cold Steve Austin, at Rock Bottom, you can bet your ass that you can expect no mercy from Stone Cold Steve Austin, and that's all I got to say about that!
:''[Lights get closed and Undertaker's theme song plays as a TX symbol appears in front of the screen]''
:'''Undertaker''': ''[voiceover]'' Austin, we've traveled down the highway to hell, and our journey has enlightened us on a few matters. One, you're helpless against my Ministry, and the other is I can take your rotting soul any time I wish. Tonight, our journey stops in your purgatory, where you will remain until Rock Bottom, and on that night boy, I will sacrifice you to the Ministry of Darkness and let the entire world watch you get buried alive and BURN IN HELL!
:''[The symbol gets burned by a storm, as Austin is a little scared]''

=== December 28 ===
:'''Val Venis''': Hello, ladies! You know something? For the next couple of days, ''[points to right leg]'' this leg will be known as Christmas, and ''[points to left leg]'' this leg will be known as New Years. So ladies, why don't y'all come visit the Big Valbowski between the holidays.

== 1999 ==
=== January 4 ===
:''[The Rock is livid that Vince caved to Mankind's demand for a WWF title match just to spare Shane from a broken shoulder]''
:'''The Rock''': I'm the damn champ. How could you just give in so damn easy? Regardless of who it is, I'm not even ready, the Rock doesn't have his clothes, he got nothing... ''[Shane and Vince talk over him]''
:'''Shane McMahon''': He nearly broke my left shoulder.
:'''Vince McMahon''': It's my son, dammit! 
:'''The Rock''': The Rock doesn't have his clothes. I'm the champ and then now all of a sudden, I gotta face Mankind?!
:'''Vince''': It's my son!!
:'''The Rock''': I know it's your damn son but dammit I...
:'''Vince''': ''[as they all walk to the backstage]'' Go get ready, you're a champion! C'mon, get ready, you're a champion!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[During the No-Disqualification WWF Championship match]''
:'''Michael Cole''': DX and the Corporate Team are going at it!
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Look out! ''[Glass shatters]'' What?! Oh no!
:'''Cole''': Stone Cold is here! Stone Cold is here!
:'''Lawler''': Look out, Mr. McMahon! The Rattlesnake is here!
:''[Austin enters the ring and nails The Rock on the head with a chair]''
:'''Cole''': Stone Cold with a chair! ''[Austin drapes Mankind on top of The Rock]'' He pulled Mankind on The Rock!
:'''Lawler''': ''[as Hebner counts]'' No! No! ''[Three count]'' Don't do it! ''[arena erupts]''
:'''Tony Chimel''': Here is your winner and the NEW World Wrestling Federation Champion: Mankind!
:'''Lawler''': ''[over the announcement]'' Oh my God, no!
:'''Cole''': Mankind did it! Mick Foley did it!
:'''Lawler''': No, Stone Cold did it!
:'''Cole''': Mankind has achieved his dream, and the dream of everyone else who's been told, &quot;you can't do it&quot;!
:'''Lawler''': No! You can't do it! You can't do this!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mankind''': At the risk of not sounding very cool, I'd like to dedicate this match to my two little people at home and say...BIG DADDIO DID IT!
:'''Jerry Lawler''': This is the blackest day in the history of the WWF!!

=== January 11 ===
:''[The Acolytes look on, waiting for &quot;He&quot; and having Dennis Knight ready for him; The Undertaker comes to stage and sits to his throne]''
:'''Undertaker''': They lay me down in a grave as if it would be my final resting place.... filling it with the Earth's rotting soil. They tried to destroy me, wishing I would just go away. But what is it? What have they really done? The simple minds of mortal men... they sent me back to the place that is my origin. Destroy me? The more they try, the more powerful I've become. And now, I've risen from my Earthy grave and I will slay the ones I once saved. The reckoning is upon us. The day that the Ministry of Darkness seizes the land, destroys all that you hold dear, make play things our of your heroes and devours your innocence. The plague of darkness is coming; an all encompassing evil from which there is no escape, no mercy, no hope. Its called the future. And in the future, I will look down upon thee and I will decide whether you are an Agent of Darkness, or are you just mere kindling for my fires. The Power of Darkness shall be offered only to a chosen few. And those that resist the temptations of my Ministry, pain becomes synonymous with punishment. Embrace the Darkness and relish in the unearthly delight that pain has to offer. Resist and there are no limits to the torment you subject yourself to. Don't fight it. It will tear your soul apart. So let my servants be few and secret. They shall rule the many and the known, for I am the Reaper of men, the Chaser of souls, the Weaver of nightmares. I am the Heart of Darkness. I am now and ever will be the Purity of Evil. The Hell you were threatened with as a child is no longer an option. It is a reality, a living, breathing reality and you are all right in the middle of it. Yes, Hell has relocated to Earth.
:''[He comes to Knight, touches him, cuts his wrist and fills cup with his blood]''
:'''Undertaker''': From this moment on, you are no longer Dennis Knight. You are Mideon. Now drink.
:''[Knight, or Mideon, drinks Undertaker's blood, Taker gets Knight's cloth open and draws his symbol to Knight's chest with a knife, goes in front of his throne]''
:'''Undertaker''': Now you will know why you are afraid of the dark and you will learn why.
:''[Undertaker's symbol gets burned by a storm]''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Chyna appears as the last Corporate Rumble entry but Vince McMahon is distracted by Stone Cold Steve Austin]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[sees Chyna]'' We got problems! Watch out, watch out ''[as Chyna rolls Vince over the top rope]'' WATCH OUT!!
:'''Michael Cole''': ''[as Shane repeatedly screams NO! seeing Vince whiplashed and sprawled from the bottom rope]'' There goes the draw! Chyna wins the Corporate Rumble! Chyna is No 30 in the Royal Rumble!
:'''Lawler''': Mr McMahon has been eliminated by a woman!!
:'''Cole''': Austin made sure that he meets Mr McMahon first at the Rumble!
:'''Shane McMahon''': Austin you'll pay!!!! Austin you're gonna pay at the Rumble!
:'''Cole''': Steve Austin and Mr McMahon are gonna be one on one at the Rumble.
:'''McMahon''': I HATE HIM!!! I HATE HIM!!!
:'''Cole''': Mr McMahon is No 2. Stone Cold is No 1..
:'''McMahon''': How can Chyna be No 30?!?
:'''Cole''': The Rattlesnake has struck again.
:'''McMahon''': Austin will pay for this, I tell you that!

=== February 15 ===
:''[The Ministry of Darkness come to the ring]''
:'''Paul Bearer''': You don't hear the fat man talk too much these days unless I have something very important to say, so I suggest you listen. And you - owner of the World Wrestling Federation, Vincent K. McMahon - bring your butt off that pedestal that you built for yourself and listen to the Lord of Darkness.
:'''Undertaker''': McMahon, in time, your World Wrestling Federation will belong to me. One by one, they will all fall before my Ministry. Last night, the Bossman received just a small sample of the power I possess. Last night, Bossman, we let you go. Next time, you won't be so lucky. What we did, Mr. McMahon, is we went to the heart and soul of your Corporation and we took him out. Just to let you know that we can take anybody, any time we desire. And there's not a damn thing that you can do about it. Now I'm sure you're asking yourself, Mr. McMahon, how can I be so confident? How can I succeed when all others have failed? It's simple. '''I own the key to your heart, and your soul'''. While you were preoccupied with your petty obsessions, I have amassed an army. An army that will destroy you and your corporation. Each soul that we take, we take in the name of a far greater power than even myself. And in that power's name, in its grandest vision, in its grandest dream, and in my Ministry's destiny, I will own the World Wrestling Federation.
:''[Big Bossman appears, who got attacked by the Ministry previous night]''
:'''Big Bossman''': You want some of me? You want some of the Big Bossman? I don't think so. I'm not hard to find. You got aspirations, taking over the Corporation? No way, pal. Bottomline is, if you got the guts, let's get it started here tonight. Any three of you punks against me, two of my guys, tonight. You know what I mean. Undertaker, it's just a matter of time, punk, I'm gonna stick my foot up your dead ass!
:''[Bossman leaves the stage]''
:'''Undertaker''': You know, you should be more careful what you ask for.

=== March 22 ===
:''[Vince McMahon, Shane McMahon, and the Rock have just been given a beer bath by Stone Cold Steve Austin]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[seeing Vince totally drenched]'' Look at Mr McMahon. That's a $3,000 suit!
:'''Michael Cole''': It ''was'' a $3,000 suit!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Billy Gunn''': Tonight is the night when the New Age Outlaws see who is the best of the best. You see, it's called competitiveness, and that's what made the New Age Outlaws what they are today—the best tag team to ever step foot in the World Wrestling Federation. But tonight, Mr. Ass is walking out with the Intercontinental Title and the Hardcore Title. Sorry.
:'''Road Dogg''': Well, don't be sorry, because the D-O-double-G lives his life all or nothing, and tonight he's gonna walk away with A-double-L. So Mr. A-double-crooked-letter, I'll see your ass at ringside.
:'''Gunn''': ''[sotto voce]'' Yep, and you'll walk out with nothing like when I found you.

===April 26===

:''[Vince is asking Stone Cold Steve Austin to deliver the WWF's ownership papers personally to the Undertaker as ransom for Stephanie McMahon, but Austin is not quite convinced of his sincerity]''

:'''Vince McMahon''': I don't mean to interrupt, but, I guess maybe I do. This is not easy for me, but...what I'm trying to say...to make a long story short, I need your help.
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': You said— You said what? You need my help? Is that what you said?
:'''Vince McMahon''': I need your help. The Undertaker has my daughter, Stephanie, and I need your help.
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': You got to clear this up exactly for me. What are you trying to say? Just go ahead and say something, 'cause you ain't making no sense.
:'''Vince McMahon''': Well...this isn't— It's not anything personal. I know that you don't like me and I know you never will.

:''[Austin nods in agreement mouthing 'Right!']''

:'''Vince McMahon''': And the feeling is somewhat mutual, but...it's not about you and me. This is personal and it involves my daughter Stephanie. And Steve, you can help me.
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': With all due respect, to you and your little daughter— Hell, son, I've got a million problems of my own. So as far as I'm concerned, I really don't give a rat's ass about your problems.
:'''Vince McMahon''': But Steve, The Undertaker has made...he's made some demands. He's asked for some documentation and that's all right with me, I don't care about the documentation. But he's made ''other'' demands. He's demanded that, instead of me delivering the documentation to him, he's demanded that ''you'' deliver that documentation to him, and if you do that I really believe that everything will be fine with my daughter Stephanie, and I think you can understand from my point of view as a father.
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': What you're saying is— What you're saying is Vince McMahon needs Stone Cold Steve Austin! That's what you're saying?

:''[Vince nods sheepishly]''

:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': So if that's true...if that is true that Vince McMahon needs Stone Cold Steve Austin, then that's what I want you to say to me. Say it to me: &quot;Vince McMahon ''needs'' Stone Cold Steve Austin.&quot;
:'''Vince McMahon''': Vince McMahon ''needs'' Stone Cold Steve Austin.
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': That all sounds real good Vince, but hell, you must think that I have a real horrible memory because the last ''15 months'', every single night I come to work, you see fit to put my life, make my life a living hell, and I will give you credit, you have done one helluva job.

:''[Vince is dejected]''

:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': Stone Cold Steve Austin never forgets one single thing that happens right here in the World Wrestling Federation. So...since Vince McMahon needs Stone Cold Steve Austin, I'll say this. By the same token, Stone Cold Steve Austin ''needs'' Vince McMahon... 

:''[Vince seems optimistic]''

:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': ...''to kiss his ass'', and that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold said so!!

:''[a saddened Vince walks away]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[the Ministry of Darkness prepares Stephanie McMahon to be married to the Undertaker - even as she screams away and the Undertaker touches her]''
:'''Paul Bearer''': Dearly unbeloved, we gather here this evening to join Stephanie Marie McMahon, in the unholy wedlock with the Lord of Darkness. Tonight, Stephanie Marie McMahon will step from the light of this evil, cesspool, mortal world, into the sanctuary of eternal darkness. Keeping this in mind, will you, Stephanie Marie McMahon accept the purity of evil and take the Lord of Darkness as your master and your spouse?
:'''Stephanie McMahon''': No! NOOO!!!
:''[Ken Shamrock tries to get in but the Acolytes hold him down to be squashed by Viscera]''
:'''Bearer''': Lord of Darkness, is it your intent to accept Stephanie Marie McMahon, her body, her mind, her soul, and even her breath unto yourself, ''[Taker lightly reaches for her neck]'' and allow her to bear your offspring?
:'''Stephanie''': NOOO!!!!
:'''Undertaker''': I do. 
:''[the Big Show appears and breaks through the Acolytes and Viscera - but Undertaker gets Shamrock's baseball bat and hits him off the ring]''
:'''Bearer''': By the power vested in me by the Lord of Darkness, I now pronounce you as the Unholy Union of Darkness. You may now kiss your bride!

=== May 24 (RAW Is Owen) ===

:'''The Godfather''': You know what, Road Dogg? Instead of me and you just kicking the hell out of each other, especially today, why don't me and you and these fine hos over here...we go to downtown St. Louis and we light it up all night long?
:'''Road Dogg''': What do you say, me and you go burn one and tell some Owen stories.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Billy Gunn''': If you're not down with Owen Hart, I got two words for ya...
:'''Crowd''': SUCK IT!

=== June 7 ===
:''[During Undertaker's WWF Championship defense against the Big Show, Taker is caught in Big Show's chokeslam coming off the top rope]''
:'''Jim Ross''': The Undertaker's on top, he got caught at the hand of the Big Show.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[as Big Show signals for the chokeslam]'' He said he was gonna do it- he's doing it!! 
:'''Ross''': The chokeslam, ''[Undertaker breaks through the ring]'' oh- 
:'''Lawler''' and '''Ross''': OH MY GOD!!!
:'''Ross''': Right through the ring!! The Big Show chokeslammed the Undertaker all the way to hell! 
:'''Lawler''': What?
:'''Ross''': ''[as Earl Hebner calls for the bell]'' All the way through the ring! They're both down!!! The Big Show and the Undertaker are both down! ''[bell still rings as Big Show kicks Undertaker before leaving the hole]'' The match is over! The match has been stopped!
:'''Lawler''': What?
:'''Ross''': The ring has been destroyed...
:'''Lawler''': Look at that!
:'''Ross''': ...by the damndest chokeslam I've ever seen!

=== August 9 ===

:'''Chris Jericho''': Welcome to ''Raw Is Jericho''! And I am the new millennium for the World Wrestling Federation. Now for those of you who don't know me, I am Chris Jericho, your new hero, your party host, and most importantly, the most charismatic showman to ever enter your living rooms via a television screen. And for those of you who DO know me, well, all hail the Ayatollah of Rock and Roll-a! 
:Now when you think of the new millennium, you think of an event so gigantic that it changes the course of history. You think of a dawning of a new era. In this case, the dawning of a new era in the WWF. Thank you, thank you. And a new era is what this once proud and profitable company sorely needs. What was once a captivating, trend-setting program has now deteriorated into a cliched, let's be honest, boring snoozefest that is in dire need of a knight in shining armor, and that's why I'm here. Chris Jericho has come to save the WWF!
:Now let's go over the facts. Television ratings, downward spiral; pay-per-view buy-rates, plummeting; mainstream acceptance, non-existent; and reactions of the live crowds, complete and utter silence. And I know why you're silent! You're silent because you're embarrassed to be here. And quite honestly, I'm embarrassed for you. And the reason why you're embarrassed is because of the steady stream of uninteresting, untalented, mediocre &quot;sports entertainers&quot; who you're forced to cheer for and care for. No wonder you're not cheering! You could care less about every single idiot in that dressing room, ''[indicating The Rock]'' and especially this idiot in the center of the ring. You people have been led to believe that mediocrity is excellence. Uh-uh. Jericho is excellence. And now for the first time in WWF history, you have a man who can entertain you. You have a man who is good enough for you. You have a man who can make you jump up off your chairs, raise your filthy fat little hands in the air and scream &quot;Go Jericho go! Go Jericho go! Go Jericho go!&quot; Thank you.
:The new millennium has arrived in the WWF, and now that the Y2J problem is here, this company—from the front-office idiots to all the amateurs in the dressing room, including this one, to everybody watching tonight—will never, eeee-ee-eh-ever be the same a-gain!
:'''The Rock''': ...After three boring minutes, The Rock says, ''&quot;Know Your Role, AND SHUT YOUR MOUTH!&quot;'' How dare you little jabroni come on The Rock Show, and not even have the class to introduce yourself. What is your name?
:'''Chris Jericho''': I told you--
:'''The Rock''': ''IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!'' The Rock says you talk about your Y2J plan? Well, The Rock has a plan of his own, and it's called the K-Y Jelly plan. Which...which means The Rock is gonna lube his size 13 boot real good. Turn that sumbitch sideways, and STICK it straight up your candy ass! If you smelllll...what The Rock...is cooking.

=== August 23 ===

:''[Outside Jeff Jarrett's locker room, where a contract for an Intercontinental Title match is taped to the door]''
:'''Billy Gunn''': Chyna, I need a favor. You got a pen? I need a pen.
:'''Chyna''': I don't have one.
:'''Billy Gunn''': All right, come here. Stay right here, don't let anybody sign this, I'll be right back, I've gotta find a pen.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[as Billy walks away]'' Hey, that...that must be Jeff Jarrett's contract.
:'''Chyna''': Okay.
:'''Jerry''': Looks like Mr. Ass wants a piece of Jeff Jarrett, he wants to sign that contract.
:'''Michael Cole''': Look! Chyna's got a pen!
:'''Jerry''': What's she doing?!
:''' Cole''': ''[as Chyna signs and runs away]'' She's signing the open contract to meet Jeff Jarrett for the Intercontinental Championship!

=== September 20===

:'''Bradshaw''': You know, these Dudley Boys come into the World Wrestling Federation trying to make a name out of themselves by taking on us. You know, they come out here and they spout their commandments. Well, we got three commandments too, it's real simple. #1—Thou shalt not drink our beer; #2—Thou shalt not mess with our [[w:Groupie|rats]]; and #3—I guess [[w:The Public Enemy (professional wrestling)|Public Enemy]] didn't tell them, Thou shalt not cut a promo on the Acolytes!

===December 20===
:''[Val Venis is in the ring for his Holiday Topless Top Rope match against Hardcore Holly]''
:'''Val Venis''': Hello Ladies!! You know something, ladies, you are a lot like Christmas trees. You know, you smell good. You're pretty to look at, but you never really feel special until I ''[makes thrusting motion]'' PLUG IT IN and light you up!

== 2000 ==
===January 31===
:''[JR and the King talk about the tag team championship match between Al Snow and Steve Blackman against the New Age Outlaws, but JR notices Al Snow going down to one section of the front row]''
:'''Jim Ross''': ''[sees Snow greet some people who just came down]'' Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hey, wait a minute! My God, that's... that's Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero, Perry Saturn, Dean Malenko!
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': What are they doing here tonight?
:'''Jim''': What the hell is going on here? Those four guys... Well, King, we know it's all over the Internet they thumbed their noses at their last employer!
:'''Jerry''': Well, I know that. They walked out on that Ted Turner organization, but what are they doing here?
:'''Jim''': I know the WWF's been negotiating with those four superstars, but they've not signed any contracts that I'm aware of.
:'''Jerry''': Well, they haven't signed any contracts yet, so maybe they're just here to... They're just sitting at ringside, maybe they're here to get a bird'ss-eye view of the competition.
:'''Jim''': Well, all I'd say that's a pretty radical strategy on their part, wouldn't you think? It was radical enough that they walked out on their last employer because it was a lousy place to be, in their opinion.
:'''Jerry''': Well that was...
:'''Jim''': ...and showing up here unannounced is nothing short of radical either.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[The Rock is on the TitanTron after Big Show just defeated 2Cool]''
:'''The Rock''': Finally, the Rock has come BACK to Pittsburgh! Big Show, The Rock realizes what just took place, The Rock realizes that you won a hard-fought victory, well congratulations, but The Rock has but one thing to say to you: ''[singsong]'' somebody got a haircut!! ''[Big Show angrily stomps his feet]'' So that officially means Big Show that you're no longer a long-haired, seven-feet, 500-pound piece of monkey crap, no you are not. You are a SHORT-HAIRED seven-feet, 500-pound piece of steaming, stinking, grade-A monkey crap!!! Now Big Show, you want to run your month about how you've got an eyewitness to The Rock's feet hitting the ground at the Royal Rumble, well The Rock says this: He is tired of hearing you whine. The Rock is tired of hearing you bitch, the Rock is tired of hearing you cry and moan like a baby but there is something that the Rock wants ''[open palm and points at Big Show]'' you to listen to... and that is the most important sound you will ever hear in your pathetic life, and that is all the Rock's fans chanting his name! ''[audience responds with Rocky! chants]'' Now Big Show, seeing as you've heard the sound, The Rock says, go back to [[w:Supercuts|Supercuts]] and get your five dollars back, jabroni!! Now on to our Olympic hero, Kurt Angle. Kurt Angle the Rock says this you run your mouth about how you beat the Rock. The Rock says you have never - and The Rock means ''[audience joins for the word]'' NEVER!! Ever beaten the Rock, so the Rock says this quite simply put, the Rock says that tonight, you like to wear your gold medals, well the Rock says this, he's gonna go out there and win a gold medal for kicking your candy ass all over Pittsburgh! If you SMEEEELLLLL, What the Rock is Cooking!

===April 17===
:'''Chris Jericho''': ''[to Triple H]'' So you're telling me, Triple H, that I have to give up the World Wrestling Federation title because that match never took place? You're telling me that I have to give up the World Wrestling Federation title because these Jericho-holics never saw me beat you in the middle of that ring for this championship? Well, I guess we can all believe that. So I guess it's also not true that your wife Stephanie has not slept with half the boys in that locker room. ''[Stephanie coldly glares at him]'' I guess that we can't believe that either.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Earl Hebner has reversed Chris Jericho's pinfall win over Triple H and gave him back the WWF Championship per an agreement on Triple H never laying a hand on him while he's still a referee]''
:'''Triple H''': I'm a man of my word, Earl. I will not lay a hand on you as long as you're a World Wrestling Federation referee. Oh and by the way: YOUR ASS IS FIRED! ''[does the Pedigree on Earl]'' 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[the McMahon-Helmsley Regime goes to the ring after Linda McMahon announces Stone Cold Steve Austin coming to Backlash]''
:'''Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley''': Unfair, mom? You wanna know what's unfair is you hopping on a little plane... ''[angry at Slut! chants]'' hopping on a little plane, thinkging you can come down to this ring, to the World Wrestling Federatiton and start making decisions on things you know nothing about!
:'''Linda McMahon''': Oh yes I do, yes I can!
:'''Stephanie''':  In case you haven't forgotten the last we were in the ring together, mother, the McMahon-Helmsley Regime has no problem &quot;slapping&quot; people around, and hopefully you've noticed that the McMahon-Helmsley Regime is all about opportunity - so I'm gonna give you the opportunity to change your mind. Think about it, mother. What's your decision?
:'''Linda''': ''[long pause]'' NO!!!
:'''Stephanie''': No. You won't change your mind. You're gonna have Stone Cold Steve Austin in the Rock's corner. Well then, I'm not gonna change my mind about what I have to do, but Mom, just remember, like you told me when I was a little girl, this is gonna hurt me a lot worse than it hurts you. ''[tries to slap Linda, but gets knocked down when Linda blocks it and slaps her instead]''
:'''Linda''': ''[shocked at what she just did, tries to crouch down and help Stephanie]'' Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
:'''Stephanie''': ''[dismisses her]'' Get away from me!!

===June 12===
:''[WWF CEO Linda McMahon has set up a six-man King of the Ring tagteam match between Vince McMahon, Shane McMahon, and Triple H against the Rock, Undertaker, and Kane. Vince fumes at the booking]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': We accept, we accept! You think you're gonna embarrass me?!? Huh?!?! You think you can come out here and put me in a position where you're gonna embarrass me in front of all these people, that's not gonna happen! I don't give a damn what match you make at the King of the Ring, I don't care what match you make tonight, tomorrow night, or any other night!
:'''Linda McMahon''': Well, if that's the case, Vince, how about tonight? ''[let's sink in]'' If that's the case yeah, Triple H, you'll defend the World Wrestling Federation Championship... ''[as HHH seethes]'' against an opponent of my choosing.
:'''Vince''': ''[brushes off HHH's protests]'' That's it? You got it! Triple HHH defends his WWF title tonight, and okay he doesn't know who his opponent is. Even so, he'll do it even it's not fair and you know damn well it's not!
:'''Linda''': Not fair? Well, if you don't think that's fair, you're probably not gonna like this either. Because there's another championship that needs to be defended tonight- and that championship is yours, Stephanie. ''[Stephanie reacts]'' Come on, Steph, you will defend the World Wrestling Federation Women's Championship against Lita ''[Steph mouths off NO!]'' - and pay very close attention to  this, this is the stipulation: If any member of the Faction interferes in the match at all, you will be disqualified and Lita will be awarded the Championship.
:'''Vince''': ''[ponders the logic in the announcement]'' All right you got that too, I'm happy. Now you've made your announcements, Little Ms CEO, you can go back to playing CEO somewhere else, maybe where you started your day this morning in Wilmington, Delaware. ''[tries to walk off with Shane, Stephanie, and HHH]''
:'''Linda''': Whoawhoawhoawhoa, Vince. ''[they look back at him]'' I don't play the CEO, ''I am the CEO.'' and as the CEO, I'll make this one final announcement tonight. Tonight, Shane McMahon will see action and also tonight, Vince McMahon will see action. And both Shane McMahon and Vince McMahon will team up in tag-team action against... the Dudley Boyz! ''[Father and son are dumbfounded]'' But it's not just any tag-team match. It's a Tables Match! ''[Shane walks off in disgust while Steph comforts a grimacing Vince]''

=== October 2 ===
:''[The Rock slams Kane and Chris Benoit as they and Kurt Angle leave him, Rikishi, Mick Foley, Triple H and Stephanie]''
:'''Rock''': Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoa. The Rock is not done. You see, Mick Foley, the Rock is in a very giving mood as well. Now Kane, since you just wanna find things... Benoit, all you wanna do is prove things. Well, the Rock is gonna make both of you very happy men tonight. You see, before you and Kane face the Rock and Rikishi, the Rock wants you to do this - the Rock wants you to go find a very quiet place tonight. You two together, nobody else, you two by yourselves, go find a nice quiet place where you can be alone. And all your dreams can come true. All your dreams can come true - your dream, Kane, of finding things - your dream, Benoit, of proving things will come true, and this is how you do it: Benoit, when you're by yourself with Kane, pull your pants down ''[Benoit is blocked by the referees from coming down to the ring]'' go ahead Benoit, pull your pants down, and ''prove'' to Kane that you're not a woman!... and Kane, since you just wanna ''find'' things, you go ahead and find the penis Benoit claims he has! ''[Kane tries to go after the Rock, but the referees hold the line against him and Benoit]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Triple H just asked Stephanie to steer clear of his WWF Championship No 1 contender match against Kurt Angle, but as Stephanie walks away, she surprisingly runs into Chris Benoit]''
:'''Chris Benoit''': How's your head? ''[Stephanie gives him a hard slap]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Whoa! ''[Benoit turns his head right but he snaps back like not feeling the pain]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Good God! ''[sees Benoit laughing as Steph walks away]'' and Benoit's smiling... oh my God!

===October 9===
:''[Mick Foley is with the Rock and Rikishi in the ring]''
:'''Mick Foley''': I've come out here in the past, I made wild accusations, but that’s not going to happen tonight. I promised to deliver the person, who ran over Stone Cold Steve Austin, and I will! Fortunately, my announcement will conclude what has undoubtedly been the worst week of my professional career. Unfortunately, all of the evidence points to you, Rock. It was your rental car that ran down Stone Cold, only your fingerprints, only your DNA were found inside the car. Hell, a pair of The Rock's sunglasses were found inside the glove box. And as Linda McMahon herself stated, no one else had as much to gain by Stone Cold's departure, did they, Rock? No, with Stone Cold out of the way, who sold the T-shirts, who picked up the media appearences, whose book went to number one, who showed up on television, who got movie roles? You have not fooled me, Rock, and therefore right here in Anaheim, California, in the case of who ran over Stone Cold Steve Austin at Survivor Series, Mick Foley finds The Rock... not guilty!

:But if you didn't do it, who did? Now I'm gonna tell you, who did. ''[points to Rikishi]'' He did. I hadn't quite figured it out until Scotty 2 Hotty said something about 'hang out backstage with Rikishi', hell, Rikishi, you weren't even part of Survivor Series, you hadn't even debuted on television! Who else is close enough with The Rock to go inside his dressing room? ''[Rikishi shakes head in denial]'' Who else is close enough with The Rock to reach inside his bag and get his keys? The mirrors and the seat were configured to fit not just a large man, but a very large man. That very large man is YOU! The only thing, I don't know, is why!
:'''Rikishi''': Okay. I did it. In case, you didn't hear, I admit. I did it. I ran over Austin. And you ask, why? I didn't do it for me. No, I didn't do it for me. I did it for... The Rock! ''[The Rock is surprised]'' You see, Rock, I took your keys out of your bag that night, when I went to go check into the hotel. And when I jumped into the car, I saw Stone Cold Steve Austin standing in the middle of the parking lot all alone. And suddenly, everything flashed right through my eyes.

:You see, the WWF has always been all about the &quot;Great White Hope&quot;... and I'm talking about such people as [[w:Buddy Rogers|Buddy Rogers]], people like [[w:Bruno Sammartino|Bruno Sammartino]], people like [[w:Bob Backlund|Bob Backlund]], people like [[w:Hulk Hogan|Hulk Hogan]], and now, people like [[w:Stone Cold Steve Austin|Stone Cold Steve Austin]]. You see, the WWF has always let the island boys in, but we were always held back! Now listen to me, Rock, and I really want you to listen to me! And I'm talking about people like your grandfather, a well-respected man, High Chief [[w:Peter Maivia|Peter Maivia]], ''[Rock is visibly shaken at the mention]'' could have became a WWF Champion, but no, they held him back! People like [[w:Jimmy_Snuka|Jimmy ‘Superfly’ Snuka]], could have been a WWF Champion, but no, they held him back! And people like [[w:The_Wild_Samoans|Afa and Sika]], [[w:Samula_Anoaʻi|Samu]], and the [[w:Sam Fatu|Tonga Kid]], they were all held back.

:So you see, Rock, I ran Stone Cold over, and I did this for you. I don't expect any favor from you, Rock. No, I don't expect no favors and no payback. Before, I want you people to know all around the world, and set the record straight, that The Rock did not have a damn thing to do with this. I take full responsibility! And you know what, Rock, just you being who you are today is good enough for me and our people. And before I go, one more time, I ran over Stone Cold Steve Austin! And to tell the truth, ''I'd do it again!''

=== October 23 ===
:'''Kurt Angle''': People, I ask you, what do you consider to be a successful year? For most people, a successful year would be maybe earning a little extra money, or getting a promotion, or maybe spending a little extra time with your families and loved ones. With all respect, that's a bunch of garbage. It's true, it's true. I know that people have obstacles to overcome in their lives. For most people, it's overcoming poverty; for some people, it's overcoming impossible odds, like having accomplished something in your life, being born in a city like Hartford, Connecticut. ''[Shakes Stephanie's hand]'' Good job, Steph. Good job. For me, it was accomplishing more in one year than most people will ever accomplish in their whole entire lives.
:Let me take you on a little trip. A pictorial journey, if you will. See, four years ago, I captured the Olympic Gold Medal in the 1996 Olympic Games in Atlanta, Georgia. For most people, after capturing the Olympic Gold Medal, they would call it a career. It's over, done. Thankfully, I'm not most people, and that is true. Four years later, I decided to give it a shot and enter the World Wrestling Federation. &quot;The most celebrated athlete in the World Wrestling Federation,&quot; the headlines screamed, and boy, were they on the money!
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' ASSHOLE!
:'''Kurt Angle''': ''[to the crowd]'' Would you keep it down for a second please?
:A mere two months in the WWF, and I captured my first gold by winning the European Championship. And incredibly, here's the footage, incredibly, tourism grew in Europe 38% from me! Then, only two months later, two months later, I captured the Intercontinental Championship, in this very city, mind you! And I became the first ever EuroContinental Champion in WWF history. Well, besides D'Lo Brown, but he doesn't count, we know that.
:Then four months later, four months later, I not only captured gold, but royalty as well when I was crowned the 2000 King of the Ring. What a memory. Look at that, Steph. Look at that crown and that scepter. And unbelievably, sales of crowns and scepters grew 49%! I couldn't believe it either.
:And then last night, the greatest accomplishment of all, with help from my good friend and business partner, Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley, I topped the most amazing eleven months in WWF history and became the World Wrestling Federation Champion. We will remember that for a lifetime. ''That'', people, is a successful year. That is what separates great men from supermen. With that in mind, I wrote a little poem in celebration of my victory. The poem is called &quot;What Makes a Man Super-Great&quot;, and I'd like to read it to you tonight.
:Greatness comes in many shapes
:Beyond red, white and blue.
:It's the addition of the color gold.
:Yes, indeed, it's true.

===December 4===
:'''The Rock''': Finally, The Rock has come back to New Jersey! Just as sure as for the very first time, Kevin Kelly, The Rock stood here right in this arena and called ''[points at]'' you an ugly hermaphrodite is just as sure as this Sunday night, at Armageddon, The Rock will be at Hell in a Cell. This is gonna the most brutal match The Rock has ever been in. The dangerousest match The Rock has ever been in. The Hell in a Cell. And it doesn't matter, Kevin Kelly, what you call it. Whether it's called a Hell in a Cell, or Rage in a Cage, Painus in Uranus, the only thing that matters is that The Rock is going in this Sunday night, to do exactly what he does best - layeth the smacketh down and get back The Rock's WWF title.

:And the fact of the matter is this, is that The Rock knows this Sunday night, he has his work cut out for him. The Rock knows, he's got five other guys he's got to compete with. And even if The Rock has got to beat Kurt Angle, which means, ''[mocks Angle]'' &quot;I'm gonna drink a big glass of milk, eat some chocolate-chip cookies and then maybe I'll take three Viagra.&quot; Or maybe The Rock has got to face Rikishi, beat Rikishi. ''[mimics Rikishi's admission]'' &quot;I did it for The Rock. I did it for the people. I did it for...&quot; oh, shut your mouth, you thong-wearin' fatty!

:Or maybe The Rock has got to beat The Undertaker, the American Badass, beat him so bad, that one more he'll raise up... ''[does rising from the dead]'' &quot;Rest in peace!&quot; Or maybe The Rock has got to beat Triple H himself, which ''[copies HHH drawl]''' means-uh, he's got to beat The Game-uh, in the middle of the ring-uh. And he has a two-dollar slut for a wife-uh! ''[normal voice]'' Or maybe The Rock, has gotta beat... ''[wears SCSA woodland camo cap and makes Texan drawl]'' Stone Cold Steve Austin. Which means I gotta get in my, I gotta get my pick-up truck, drink some Steve-weisers, listen to some Backstreet Boys. And that's the bottom line, 'cause the Great One said so! ''[normal]'' One more thing, this Sunday night at Armageddon, The Rock is gonna do all he can to win the WWF title. If ya smell... what The Rock is cooking!!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Vince McMahon wanted to deliver the State of the WWF Address, but gets sprawled on the ring thanks to Austin, The Rock, and the Undertaker]''
:'''Mick Foley''': ''[crouches down at Vince]'' Vince... jeez, not a good day isn't it? I mean, you've been Stone Cold Stunnered, you've been Rock Bottomed, hell you even went for the Last Ride! So I guess, there's really only one thing left to do. ''[pulls out Mr Socko and goes around the ring before going down on one knee. mouths off Mr Socko in tinny voice]'' Kiss my fat ass, Vince ''[normal voice]'' and have a nice day!

===December 18===
:''[Stephanie steps in to stop Kurt Angle, Edge and Christian, and Vince McMahon from beating down Commissioner Mick Foley]''
:'''Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley''': Stop! Stop it! Stop beating up on Mick Foley. Mick I hope you're alright because I got something that could change your life forever. I hold in my hand documents from the Board of Directors that could very well change the face of the WWF forever. These papers clearnly state that since my mother, Linda McMahon, the CEO of the World Wrestling Federation, has been deemed mentally incompetent that the Board of Directors has no other alternative than to grant full power and authority of the CEO's office... ''[looks at Foley]'' to ''[changes voice] my dad! [Vince's face regains color as Stephanie give her the papers]'' Congratulations, daddy! It's official! 
:'''Vince McMahon''': That's my baby girl, huh! Sorry, Linda, if you're in the hospital watching, business is business and since I now have complete and total full authority over the World Wrestling Federation, that means Mr McMahon is back! So therefore, with the power that is invested in me, Vincent K McMahon, it is my duty to inform Mick Foley that his services are no longer required. ''[motions to Foley as he slumps in the corner]'' In other words, Mick Foley, you bleeding huck of adipose tissue, YOU'RE FIRED!! 
:''[A distraught Foley stands up but Kurt Angle fires a chairshot at him. Vince shakes hands with Kurt Angle, Edge and Christian, and leaves with Stephanie, but remembers something at the stage]''
:'''Vince''': Oh, oh, and uh, just one other thing. Mick, Mick Foley... Merry Christmas!

== 2001 ==
=== March 5 ===
:'''Jim Ross''': Hello again, everybody, and welcome to the World Wrestling Federation. We're live here in D.C., I'm Jim Ross, and...
:'''Paul Heyman''': They already know who you are, so tell them who I am now.
:'''Jim Ross''': I'm joined by Paul Heyman.
:'''Paul Heyman''': You're joined by Paul Heyman, because last Tuesday night, The Kat was released by the WWF, and her husband Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler, to his credit, walked out right alongside with her. But where there's chaos, J.R., there is opportunity. And tonight, just like TNN threw off ECW for the WWF, the King is gone, and in his chair is Paul E., and the E is for '''EXTREME'''! How's that? Not bad, huh?
:'''Jim Ross''': I don't know what I did to deserve this...

=== March 26 ===
:''[cold opening]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': ''[points to monitors]'' Well now here's the WWF, and here's WCW, there's Jeff Jarrett, and here we have the owner of the World Wrestling Federation - and now the owner of WCW. That's right, I, Vince McMahon, I have purchased - I own, my own competition and tonight, I have the ability to address WWF fans as to what this means. I have the ability to address WCW stars as to what this means to them, and yes, I have the ability to address WCW fans to what this actually means to them as well. Tonight, at the right time, there will be a special simulcast, and let me say for sure, ''[puts up index finger]'' one man will make history, ''[thumbs up at himself]'' and that's me. Vince McMahon. Now, as far as the Jeff Jarretts of the world are concerned, you know how Jeff spells his name &quot;that's J-E-double-F&quot;? Well, you know what hmm I would suspect that we'd spell it a different way after tonight, that would be &quot;capital G, double-O, double-N, double-E... GONE&quot;!  
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Paul Heyman''': ''[as Vince McMahon comes down for the special simulcast with Nitro]'' They say that [[Alexander the Great]] sat down on a rock and cried, for he had no worlds left to conquer. Tonight, the [[w:Monday Night Wars|Monday Night Wars]] are over, and the victor, the victor of the Monday Night Wars is clear, it's ''[refers to Vince as he just instructed Lillian Garcia to repeat her introduction of him]'' that man.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Vince McMahon gloats over him buying WCW... but Shane appears, revealing that he's over at the [[WCW Monday Nitro|WCW Nitro]] finale]''
:'''Shane McMahon''': What's up Vince? Surprise Dad, you're in Cleveland, Ohio, and I'm here in Panama City Beach, Florida, standing in a WCW ring and as usual Dad, your ego has gotten the best of you. Your ego has gotten the best of you. I mean, Dad, you wanted to have the audacity to finalize this deal - WCW - at WrestleMania? You wanted to have the audacity to ask Ted Turner himself to come down and finalize that deal? Well, Dad, that's just the opportunity that I was looking for, because Dad, the deal is finalized with WCW and the name on the contract does say &quot;McMahon.&quot; ''[WCW fans pop and Vince gulps]'' However, the contract reads, &quot;Shane McMahon.&quot;
:''[Vince is openmouthed]''
:'''Jim Ross''': ''[on commentary]'' Oh my God! I don't believe it!
:'''Shane''': That's right, Dad, I now own WCW! And Dad, just like WCW did in the past--[[w:Monday Night Wars#1996–1997:_WWF_struggles|how it kicked your ass in the past]] and it will again. That's exactly what's gonna happen to you this Sunday, at WrestleMania!
:'''Jim''': I can't believe what we have just heard! Shane McMahon has bought WCW! And Mr. McMahon is in absolute shock!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Vince McMahon calls his lawyers and makes his rage known over how Shane swept in for the WCW sale]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Do you attorneys just SHUT UP?!?! You listen to me, dammit! Look I don't care what I said, I don't give a damn what - how could you let that happen? How could you just ''[smashes glass]'' how could you possibly let that happen?!?! HUH?? You son of a bitch! You good for nothing! You ruined this whole damned thing!

=== June 18 ===
:'''Diamond Dallas Page''': Undertaker! Like the Diamond Cutter, you never saw it comin'! Now those of you who know me are asking yourself the question why? Why did I, why did Diamond Dallas Page go after the Undertaker like this? Well I'll tell ya. I'll tell ya exactly why. Because if you wanna make an impact in this business, you go after the biggest, the meanest, the baddest dog in the yard. And once you find that dog, if you wanna get the very best of him, you make it personal - ''real'' personal. And then, hey, you find that dog's weakness. Well Taker, you are obviously that dog. And you've been telling people for years that this ring, right here, is your yard. We'll see.
:But, up to a few weeks ago, Taker, you have never shown weakness. I mean, NEVER shown weakness. That is, up until a few weeks ago when you told Stone Cold Steve Austin that if he ever, ever messed with your family, you'd make him famous. Duh! Taker, you idiot, Stone Cold Steve Austin's already famous! But it did get me to thinkin'. Good God. When you said what you said about your family, Dead Man, you didn't sound so dead - as a matter of fact, you sounded very ''alive.'' And for you, son, that's a sign of weakness. Taker, think about it. Remember when you used to say, &quot;I've slept through things that make most people's hair turn gray.&quot; Remember that? Okay, you didn't say it exactly LIKE that, but you remember that. You also said you weren't afraid of anything. FOUL! I'm gonna call you on that right now. Taker, I'm callin' you a liar! Oh yeah! Oh yeah I am. 'Cause take a look at him now - he's runnin' around his house, lockin' all the windows, lockin' the doors. I can just see him now, calling Vince McMahon this morning. &quot;Mr. McMahon, I can't possibly come in and compete tonight - I can't leave my wife Sara - there's a madman - there's a stalker trying to get to my wife Sara!&quot;
:You're scared to death! How's it feel, son? I tell you what, there is a positive side to this. Diamond Dallas Page has made your wife Sara famous. And speaking of famous, nobody, and I mean NOBODY, deserves to be more famous than the King of Ba-da-bing, the Master of the Diamond Cutter. NOBODY deserves to be more famous that ME: DDP! Because my whole life, I've wanted to be since I was eight years old, my whole life people have been tellin' me, until you've been to the shizzow, until you've been to the show, until you've been to the very top of our business, you're never really famous. So Taker, trust me, I'm using you to get the top of this business, and you can take it to the bank, whether I gotta buy a ticket or not, I will see you at King of the Ring. You gotta problem with me? Cool. Taker, I'm beggin' ya - make me FAMOUS!

=== June 25 ===
:'''Edge''': Billy (Gunn), since you're not really doing anything lately, I was wondering if you could do me a favor. If, in two years' time at the King of the Ring, I'm not defending a title or even in a match, and my very special assignment is to go to WWF New York and eat a meatball sandwich, then please just shoot me in the head.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Al Snow''': ''[walking backstage]'' Did you see ''Tough Enough'' last Thursday?
:'''Hardcore Holly''': As a matter of fact, I did, and Al, you did a great job, even though I should've been there to help.
:'''Al Snow''': I couldn't agree more...hey, what...what's going on here?
:''[They walk up to find several wrestlers around the APA table.]''
:'''Faarooq''': Hey, guys, guys, listen up. WCW, now here's a company that, when you came knocking, that wouldn't answer their door for you; here's a company that wouldn't return your phone calls; here's a company that said ''you'' wasn't [''sic''] talented enough to work for them. Then all of the sudden, when the wells run dry and they have to pay for those million and a half dollar homes and those brand new BMWs, those brand new Mercedes, they come running their asses here for us to save 'em. Well, guess what. This is the WWF. We all helped build this house. Now all of the sudden, they want a piece of the pie? I say hell no.
:'''Bradshaw''': WCW wants to walk into ''our'' house, a house we built, a house you all built? You guys are on the World Wrestling Federation roster; it took some of you years to get here. But you're here now, and that means you're the best in the world at what you do. And now, these guys from WCW, because they couldn't make it on their own, want to come ridin' piggyback off of us 'cause we're the only show in town? Well, let's make this perfectly clear. Diamond Dallas Page, Booker T, Mike Awesome, everybody from WCW, you can go straight to Hell. We'll meet your ass there, we'll kick it there too!
:Whatever you thought about us in the past, whatever you think about us now doesn't really matter. We've stood alone before. What I'm asking you is this. We're asking you to show why you're on this roster, we're asking you to stand up for what you have built. There's going to be a fight. I know there's gonna be a fight because ''we're'' gonna start it! There's gonna be some beer gettin' drunk, there's gonna be some asses gettin' kicked, but most of all, it's time we got medieval on somebody's ass!

===July 9===
:''[Vince McMahon is shocked at the WCW and ECW groups seemingly together and mauling the WWF group]''
:'''Shane McMahon''': Hey Dad, you want to know what is going on? Can't you see what is happening? I said I could never ever compete with your checkbook, but I can outsmart you and that's exactly what I've done tonight. That's exactly what we did tonight. You see Dad back in the locker room you told me that I will be personally responsible for everything that happens out here tonight. And you know what Dad, you're right. I'm personally responsible for all of this. I'm personally responsible for WCW. I am personally responsible for ECW being here tonight.
:'''Paul Heyman''': How do you like that Vince? HUH!? How do you like it now!?!?
:'''Shane''': And I am personally responsible for the MERGER of WCW and ECW coming together tonight! So, Dad, at InVasion, this new entity, WCW and ECW is gonna kick the WWF's ass! Oh yeah, I got one more thing for you, one more. And I am also personally responsible and privileged to introduce you to the new owner of ECW. I believe you know this person quite well. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up...for Vince's daughter Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley! ''[Vince reacts as Triple H's intro music &quot;My Time&quot; plays and slowly turns around to see Stephanie passing him]''
:'''Jim Ross''': The new owner of WCW. Oh my God, Shane owns WCW and the princess, Vince's little baby girl, now owns ECW. For the love of God, the sins of the father are costing us all in the WWF! I do not believe this! July 9, 2001 - a date that will live in sports entertainment infamy!

===July 16===
:''[The Alliance leaders are happy with Steve Austin walking out on Vince at the previous SmackDown! show]''
:'''Stephanie McMahon''': I'm so excited for Booker T to rip off Chris Jericho's head tonight and again this Sunday, at Invasion!
:'''Paul Heyman''': I love her enthusiasm ''[to Shane McMahon]'' Shane, think about it. This Sunday at Invasion Inaugural Brawl, it's our five best against their five best and their very best, Stone Cold Steve Austin, ain't at his best anymore now, is he?
:'''Shane McMahon''': Now let's get down to out five best that we're in agreement. ''[counts on fingers]'' Booker T.
:'''Heyman''': Right.
:'''Shane''': DDP...
:'''Heyman''': Right.
:'''Shane''': The Dudley Boyz, and Rhyno...
:'''Heyman''': GORE! GORE! GORE! ''[Stephanie is surprised]'' 
:'''Shane''': ...will represent us this Sunday. 
:'''Stephanie''': WCW and ECW.
:'''Shane''': This Sunday, sports entertainment as we know it, the course of it, will be changed forever.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Vince, the Undertaker, and the APA meet the entire WWF locker room]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': All right guys, listen up here for a minute, please.
:'''Faarooq''': Hey, hey. I'm sure y'all saw what happened here tonight. Look, they still don't damn get it. But you know what, tonight we're gonna show their asses that we mean business. ''[wrestlers murmur in assent]''
:'''Bradshaw''': These second-rate sons of bitches wanna ride piggyback offa us, 'cause they can't make it on their own? Then tell 'em to bring their little invasion on, because starting tonight, we ain't takin' this shit no more. It's TIME we got knee-deep in somebody's ass! ''[wrestlers get agitated]''
:'''McMahon''': Guys, let me just say this, that - make no mistake about what's going down here tonight - make no mistake about what's gonna happen this Sunday, 'cause no one in this room has ever been threatened personally...like you're threatened now. None of us have ever been threatened collectively like we're threatened now. This coalition of WCW and ECW - they wanna eat each and every one of you alive. They wanna do it tonight, and they wanna finish us off on Sunday. Now I was hoping that we were gonna have someone with us tonight to lead the way, Stone Cold Steve Austin.
:'''Undertaker''': To HELL with all that! I've heard all of that I'm gonna hear. What it's time for is to find out who the phony tough is and who's the crazy brave. Austin - he's made a hell of a name for himself here in the WWF, and now he don't have the heart to go out and to fight for the company that made him? I say the HELL with him! The rest of you, you need to understand this - there's no shame in goin' out and fightin' and gettin' your ass kicked. There's no honor in not fighting at all. So who wants to fight? ''[wrestlers murmur]'' WHO WANTS TO FIGHT??!? ''[wrestlers get agitated and Undertaker quiets them as a staff member brings in Freddie Blassie on a wheelchair]''
:'''Freddie Blassie''': Gentlemen, there comes a time when every man must fight for what he believes in! ''[rises from wheelchair]'' You understand? Now's the time! Get up, stand up, and fight! ''[wrestlers get louder]''
:'''Wrestlers''': Fight!! FIGHT!!!!
:''[at a bar, Austin is so unnerved by footage of the gathering that he moves balls around a pool table and smashes a cue before leaving]''
:'''Debra''': Steve! Where are you going??

===August 27===
:''[The Rock appears after winning the WCW title]''
:'''The Rock''': Finally, The Rock has come back to Grand Rapids! Shane McMahon, just so the Rock understands this: The Rock supposedly doesn't care about the history of the WCW? The Rock doesn't care about history of the WCW title? Well The Rock knows damn well the history of the WCW title. The Rock knows that the title traces back to Frank Gotch, Lou Thesz, Ricky Steamboat, and - woooooooooo! - Ric Flair! The Rock also knows damn well, what in recent years the WCW title has come to... Diamond Dallas Page? Booker T? The [[w:David Arquette|guy]] from ''Scream 2'', the dog from ''Married with Children'', the maid from ''The Jeffersons''! Shane McMahon, this WCW title is just like your sister, everybody gets ''[makes finger-petting motion]'' a turn! 

===September 24===
:'''Michael Cole''': Last night at Unforgiven, you successfully defended your WCW title, but no rest for the weary, because tonight you will defend that title, yet again, this time against Rob Van Dam.
:'''The Rock''': Finally, The Rock has come back to Columbus! ''[crowd cheers]'' You see, last night was a very special night for The Rock. Handicap match, The Rock, Booker T, Shane O'Mac, The Rock walked in to Unforgiven the WCW Champion, The Rock walked out Unforgiven the WCW Champion! ''[crowd cheers]'' But tonight is a very special night as well. You see, tonight will mark the first time, FIRST TIME, The Rock will defend his WCW title against Rob Van Dam. But that's not the only reason why tonight is a very special night. You see, on this night, 25 years ago, from the testicles of Vince McMahon himself, came something so terrifying! So horrifying, it sends chills up and down men's bodies all over the world! Tonight marks the birth of one Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley. And you know, Stephanie, a word of warning. The Rock knows that you like to get involved in all The Alliance matches. So if you decide to get involved in The Rock's match tonight, Stephanie, The Rock - ''[The Rock looks off-screen for several seconds as the crowd cheers]'' Stephanie if you decide to get involved in The Rock's match tonight, then just like the doctor did 25 years ago when he held your little baby body up and wiped all the afterbirth goo from your body, The Rock will take the back of the people's hand and slap that million dollar candy ass! ''[crowd cheers]'' But you see, Stephanie, don't get The Rock wrong, The Rock is happy it's your birthday. As a matter of fact, The Rock wants to help you celebrate this very joyous occasion. So Stephanie, allow The Rock to sing you a very special birthday song. ''[singsong]'' Happy Birthday to Steph, you're a hoe with big breasts, so take the night off from hooking, if you smell what The Rock is cooking!

=== October 29 ===
:'''Jim Ross''': ''[after Vince McMahon knocks down his son, Shane, with a trash can]'': Can Vince make the cover? ''[suddenly Alliance members Booker T and Test come out to the ring to attack Vince]'' Wait a minute, there's...there's that damn Booker T and Test! Those bastards! ''[The Undertaker and Kane then arrive to even the odds]'' And Undertaker and Kane! Undertaker and Kane!
:'''Paul Heyman''': But whose side are they on?
:'''Jim''': They're not on Test and Booker T's side, that's for damn sure! Kane...on the outside, ''[Kane and Test knock each other down with kicks to the face]'' and both Kane and Test are down! The Undertaker, looking for a...spinaroonie, a little ride...''[Undertaker gives Booker T a Last Ride]'' ...a Last Ride! ''[William Regal then comes out and gives The Undertaker a low blow from behind]'' But there's - oh! - Alliance commissioner William Regal with a low blow! Coming from behind The Undertaker, ''[Regal then hits the Regal Cutter on The Undertaker]'' and Regal, taking The Undertaker down, and perhaps out of this equation. ''[the crowd cheers loudly as suddenly The Rock comes out to the ring and attacks Regal]'' And there's The Rock!
:'''Paul''': But whose side is he on?!
:'''Jim''': Team WWF! And The Rock, laying the smack down on Regal! ''[The Rock then gives Regal a Rock Bottom]'' And the Rock Bottom! The Rock Bottom! ''[out comes Stone Cold Steve Austin]'' Oh God! There's Austin!
:'''Paul''': I know what side he's on! It's Stone Cold, ''[Austin gives The Rock a Stone Cold Stunner]'' punishing The Rock!
:'''Jim''': Austin with a Stunner on The Rock!
:'''Paul''': Austin just stunned The Rock!
:''[now Kurt Angle comes out, with a steel chair in hand]''
:'''Jim''': And here comes Kurt Angle!
:'''Paul''': Whose side is HE on?!
:'''Jim''': ''[as Angle looks like he is about to hit Austin with the chair]'' Kurt Angle, the steel chair! Tear his head - ''[Chris Jericho runs into the ring, and Angle suddenly turns around and hits Jericho in the head with the chair instead]'' Oh no! Angle just nailed - Kurt Angle just hit Chris Jericho with the, right in the face with that steel chair! ''[The Rock gets back up from the Stunner, only for Angle to hit him in the head with the chair as well]'' Oh my God! My God, what is this?! ''[Angle then hits the Undertaker with the chair]'' Oh my God, don't tell me! ''[Kane gets back in the ring and Angle hits him with the chair as well]'' No! No! Kurt Angle! No!
:'''Paul''': It's Kurt Angle! Kurt Angle, has joined the Alliance!
:'''Jim''': My God, it can't be!
:'''Paul''': It is! It's true! It's true!
:''[Austin stands Vince up and hits him with a Stone Cold Stunner]''
:'''Jim''': Oh! Austin - got the Stunner on McMahon, who couldn't even stand to start with!
:'''Paul''': Kurt Angle has joined the Alliance, it's true, it's true!
:'''Jim''': ''[as Austin puts Shane on top of Vince]'': Oh no! That son of a - ''[as the referee successfully counts to three]'' No! No, dammit! ''[the bell rings]'' Oh, God! What has Kurt Angle done?
:'''Lilian Garcia''': Here's your winner, Shane McMahon!
:'''Paul''': Shane McMahon has beaten his own father!
:'''Jim''': ''[as Shane and Austin embrace and then celebrate in the ring with Angle]'': Shane McMahon may have beat his father physically; he may have also just beat his father at his own game! For the love of God, Shane McMahon has coerced Kurt Angle to join the Alliance!
:'''Paul''': Kurt Angle has joined the Alliance! It's true! It's damn true!
:'''Jim''': Kurt Angle with an assault with a steel chair! Team WWF has gone to hell! My God, Kurt Angle has screwed us all and joined the damned Alliance!

=== November 19 ===
:''[Vince McMahon is not too pleased to see Ric Flair and demands an explanation]''
:'''Ric Flair''': The explanation that I'm gonna give you all revolves around the fact that I bet on a winner last night! Woooo!
:'''Vince McMahon''': What the hell are you talking about?
:'''Ric''': I sat home, wooo!! on the big side of town, in that big house, and I bet on a winner last night. But ''[to Kurt Angle]'' Kurt Angle, let me just say this to you. You're a man who's got an Olympic gold medal, you got a legacy, you're an ambassador, this is no way you want to win the World title. Be Kurt Angle, be the gold medal winner, and be a man that wins by beating the best man.
:'''Vince''': So you came down here 'cause its your hometown to give us your opinion. How nice, Mr Flair. Nice to see you, now goodbye.
:'''Ric''': You want, you want me to just cut it to the quick right away? I bet on a winner last night, and do you know, that when Shane and Stephanie sold their stock to that consortium, that the consortium... wooo!! ''[takes off coat, goes on rope, makes the strut, and swings off rope before going back to Vince]'' The consortium was '''me''', and now you and I, are limousine-ridin', jet-flyin', kiss-stealin', wheeling-dealin' son of a guns! You know why? Because we're partners! ''[embraces Vince briefly]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What?!!
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh my god...Flair and McMahon are partners?!!?

== 2002 ==
===March 25===
:'''Linda McMahon''': Good evening. Tonight, we will witness the first-ever World Wrestling Federation draft. Vince McMahon will represent ''SmackDown!''. Ric Flair will represent ''Raw''. In the interest of time, only 20 picks will actually be made live tonight. A lottery will be held immediately following ''Raw'' on WWF.com to determine placement of all other World Wrestling Federation performers. The result of tonight's historic draft becomes effective on next week's ''Raw''. However, because of the Triple Threat WWF Championship match tonight, neither Triple H, Chris Jericho, nor Stephanie McMahon is eligible to be drafted. And due to a contractual clause, Stone Cold Steve Austin is not eligible to be drafted either. Mr. Austin is therefore declared a free agent, able to sign with either ''SmackDown!'' or ''Raw''. Thank you for your attention this evening and best of luck to all the World Wrestling Federation superstars.

=== July 1 ===
:''[Booker T chances upon Goldust]''
:'''Booker T''': Tell me you're not dressed like that. Man put that thing before you get somebody eye-witted. Who are you supposed to be tonight?
:'''Goldust''': ''[as Darth Vader, complete with breathing. touches Booker T]'' Booker, the Force is strong with you, but you are not a Jedi yet. 
:'''Booker T''': Look man, I don't know what you're talking about, but I ain't no Star Wars geek. I ain't watched a movie and never will. 
:'''Goldust''': ''[removes helmet]'' Booker, it's not about that. It's about last week and our splendid plan. It's about me concocting another marvelous plan tonight if you will only go over there and relax. Get your matcon and get ready.. I will be back ''[dons helmet]''
:'''Booker T''': Let me see that. ''[takes lightsaber toy, but gets amazed when it lights up, and makes motions and humming sounds as if he's using the weapon]'' I'm like, I'm about to get medieval man... OBI-BOOK KENOBI!! It don't matter whether you're a Stormtrooper or the nWo, your ass is about to get waxed by the five-time Master Jedi champion, now can you dig that, ''[kneels and thrusts lightsaber upwards]'' sucka!!! ''[returns to normal and gives Goldust the lightsaber back]'' Take care of your business, man. ''[leaves]''

=== July 15 ===
:'''Booker T''': ''[in interview with Jonathan Coachman]'' The fact of the matter is this. Big Show, I'm 'bout to come out here and pull an Allen Iverson on yo' punk ass and show you why you don't put your hands on the ''[counts fingers on hand]'' five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time WCW Champion! Now can you dig that... ''[looks over and looks like he's seeing a ghost, but it's actually...]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': ''[shaking Booker's hand]'' Booker T, so good to see you again, my friend.
:'''Booker T''': ''[to Coach after Eric walks off]'' Tell me I didn't just see that.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[With the one-hour countdown to naming a new Raw General Manager is up, Vince comes out]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': You know, you don't realize this but it takes a real son of a bitch to be successful in this business. So from one son of a bitch to another, allow me to introduce you to the new general manager of ''Raw'' - his name is ERIC BISCHOFF!
:''[Bischoff comes out and gives McMahon a deep embrace and raise their arms together. Bischoff heads down to the ring]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': &quot;For those of you who may not know me... my name is Eric Bischoff, and I used to run WCW. Not that watered-down version, by the way, that invaded this company... but the real deal. You see, when I ran WCW, I became famous. That's right. I was the only person EVER able to take it right to Vince McMahon. That would be me. In fact, when Vince was out here a couple weeks ago talking about ruthless aggression... just who the hell do you think he was talking about? That, of course, would be me - I've personified ruthless aggression.

:When Vince McMahon needed star power, I was ruthless. Hell, I signed everybody he had! Hulk Hogan - Randy Savage - Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, Roddy Piper, it went on and on and on, hell - I was like a kid in a candy store! I signed Bobby &quot;the Brain&quot; Heenan and Mean Gene Okerlund... just for the hell of it! Just because I could. But what I really did... is I took this little family business, this McMahon monopoly, and I gave it one big swift kick in the crotch. And it was sweet. In fact, while Vince McMahon was on trial with the federal government, he took his eye off the ball - and I raided his company dry.

:And for all of you people who say the only reason I was successful is because I had Ted Turner's money, I've got news for each and every one of you - I was successful because I was innovative. In fact, I was cutting edge, remember - remember back when ''Raw'' was taped every other week and ''Nitro'' was live, and I decided to go on the air two minutes before ''Raw'', and I gave away everything that happened on ''Raw'' so YOU people didn't have to watch it? Oh, DAMN! That was ruthless. And it was a little aggressive, but it worked. And how about Alundra Blayze, you remember her? Vince's Woman's World Champion, I signed her away and I said 'hey, Alundra, bring your belt to ''Nitro'',' she didn't really want to, but I made her, 'cause... she worked for me. And I had her go out on national television and throw it in the trash! Hahaha... that one killed me, it was a little ruthless, it was a little aggressive, but it worked.

:But you know what the important thing was? Is I forced Vince McMahon to change the way he did television. *I* did. Because on ''Nitro'', I gave away a competitive main event every week with big stars! Hell, ''WCW Nitro'' changed the face of sports entertainment forever! And I singlehandedly forced Vince McMahon to change the way HE did business so HE could keep up with ME. It was beautiful. Hey, remember when I created the nWo? Cutting edge! Ruthless! Aggressive! Not some stale retread. ''Nitro'' beat ''Raw'' 84 WEEKS IN A ROW. Eighty-four weeks in a row, and I came THIS close - can you see it? THIS close to putting this company out of business forever. Singlehandedly!

:So naturally, I was a little surprised when my phone rang...and on the other end was none other than Vince McMahon, and he said 'hey Eric, whaddaya think about becoming the general manager of ''Raw''?' Well I gotta tell ya, I was surprised. I was DAMN surprised. But then the more I thought about it, the more sense it made to me - because you see if there's one person - ONE person who can take this... struggling franchise, and turn it into a national media powerhouse! Well... that would be... ME. And it's gonna start right here on ''Raw'', and we're gonna kick it off this Sunday at Vengeance. Because there was one thing that I really wanted to do when I was running WCW, never got the job done, one piece of talent that I could never sign away. Just one. And I'm absolutely convinced - absolutely convinced that if I would have been able to sign him that right now, today, ''Nitro'' would be on the air, and Vince McMahon, my new best friend, with all due respect, would be working for me. But that's okay. Because it's not gonna be the nWo that signs Triple H - uh uh - that would be me.

:And for all of the rest of you in the back - some of you I've had a chance to work with, some of you I'm meeting for the very first time - one thing I'm sure you'll all agree on is that people generally like working for me - it's really not about the money - truly, it's not. People are drawn to winners - you people are drawn to winners - Mr. McMahon was drawn to a winner, which is why he hired me. Let's face it: the WWE *needs* me - you people DESERVE me - and there's one thing I wanna promise each and every one of you people. I am here to put the 'E' in WWE.

=== August 26 ===

:'''Paul Heyman''': We stand here tonight on the sacred ground of the world's most famous arena, Madison Square Garden. And, you can take Bruno Sammartino, Superstar Billy Graham, Hollywood Hulk Hogan...you can combine them all and they STILL don't equal this man. And the funniest thing about it is, I TOLD YOU SO! And none of you would listen to me! I told you Brock Lesnar was the Next Big Thing, and none of you would listen. I told you Brock Lesnar would win the King of the Ring, and none of you would listen to me. I told you that Brock Lesnar would destroy the myth of Hulkamania, none of you would listen to me! I told you Brock Lesnar would beat The Rock for the Undisputed title at SummerSlam, and none of you would listen to me! Well you think by now, you people would learn to listen!

=== October 7 ===
:[''Triple H and Ric Flair appear on the stage after Kane successfully defends the World Tag Team Championship in a TLC match'']
:'''Triple H''': Kane, I promised you that before this night was over, your life would never be the same. You said this is the happiest you've ever been in your life, huh? Well, unfortunately, some people always can't be that happy. [''crowd chants &quot;asshole&quot; at Triple H''] Let me ask you a question, Kane! How happy is Katie Vick? Yeah, that's right. I know, Kane. I know it all. Ten years ago, you killed her. That's right, Kane. You are a murderer. [''Kane stands in the ring, speechless'']

== 2003 ==

=== February 3 ===

:'''Triple H''': Today marks the beginning of a new era. You see, in this industry, just like in life, everything evolves. And what you see in this ring before you is the greatest example of Evolution you will ever see. Ric Flair, 16 times Heavyweight Champion of the World, the Nature Boy, the greatest professional wrestler of all time, a living legend. WHOO! Ric Flair has done it all and has beaten them all and done with a class and a style like no one else. Take it from me: There is no one better than Ric Flair.
:And all of the things Flair represents, I am today. I have taken all of those attributes and I have put them into the ultimate package. I have put them into a body that every man out there wishes he had and every single one of you women out there wants to be with. You top that off with a mind made for this business and you get the greatest Ring General of all time. You get the best that there is. You get The Game. You get the World Heavyweight Champion. Trust me, trust me when I tell you that there is only one diamond in this business, and baby, you’re looking at him.
:But evolution always continues, and you have to look to the future. And I look to you, Dave Batista. 6'5&quot;, 325 pounds of genetic stopping power! Unbridled destruction! In a war, when all seems lost, you take out your biggest gun and you blow them all away.
:And Randy Orton. The business in his blood. Third-generation Superstar, the man has every gift a man can be given. Raw, raw genetic talent. Randy Orton is the diamond-''[correcting himself]'' Randy Orton is the coal that will be squeezed into the next diamond.
:You see, in life, everything happens for a reason. That's just the natural process of evolution. You see, and if you don't have what it takes, you will be left behind. So if you wake up one day, and you’re lying in a hospital bed, and you’re all beat up and you’re wondering to yourself what in the hell happened, then there's just one answer for you: Evolution has just passed you by.

=== February 24 ===

:''[from an exclusive interview, a few weeks after Goldust was electrocuted]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Goldust, let's get right to the heart of the matter, how are you feeling these days?
:'''Goldust''': Question is, after last week's beating, how are ''you'' feeling, JR?
:'''Jim''': Well...uh, I'll-I'll be all right, but I'm a whole lot more concerned about you and...give us an update.
:'''Goldust''': Well, I was electrocuted, you know, there's...you either die or you live, and, uh...happily, I lived, and-and hopefully soon I'll be back.
:'''Jim''': Your good friend Booker T said that, on a recent interview, that &quot;good ol' Goldie wasn't quite right&quot;. Uh, there's also been rumors abounding that, uh, you have some neurological challenges you're trying to overcome. How do you address those rumors?
:'''Goldust''': There's been a lot of rumors for a lot of years about Goldust not being &quot;right&quot;. As far as Booker T's concerned, he's my best friend. He's been my supporter. The fans have sup - ''[twitching]'' ooh, ooh, ooh - supported me through thick and thin.
:'''Jim''': Excuse me?
:'''Goldust''': Well, they've supported me. I feel good. I feel as good as...I feel - uhh, AHH! - as good as gold, I'm coming back - AHH!
:'''Jim''': Look, Goldust, I'm...I don't think - I don't think I'm going out on a limb here to say that, uh...there's something wrong here.
:'''Goldust''': Well, I-I think there's something wrong too, you know, the doctors don't - ooh, ooh - don't...don't...mmm...don't, don't really know what's wrong with me, you know. Uh, but they say as long as I take...take my medication that-that-that-that...that, uh, you know, everything will - AHH! - work it...work itself out, so...you know, that's - AY! - that's all I can say.
:'''Jim''': If you had the opportunity to say something to the two men that did this to you - Randy Orton and Batista - what would it be?
:'''Goldust''' ''[staring into the camera]'': Randy Orton and Batista...you don't know what it feels like to be on the edge of death...but when this is all over, said and done, you will ''never'' forget the name of - ''[inhales]'' - Goldust. ''[chomps]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''The Rock''' ''[singing and playing his guitar]'': ~Ever since the Rock came into town, everybody tried to bring him down, Canadians have no class, that's why they can kiss the People's ass.~
:''[suddenly the Hurricane appears before him. The Rock stops playing his guitar]''
:'''The Hurricane''': Holy letdown! The Rock! You used to be an idol, an icon; loved by millions...and millions! And yet tonight, you come out, and you trash the people! What's up wit dat?
:''[The Rock removes his shades, looks the Hurricane up and down, clears his throat and sets his guitar aside]''
:'''The Rock''': Who...in the ''green'' hell, are you? Oh, no you-no-no-no, don't answer that, ''[standing up]'' the Rock knows who you are! Oh yeah, the Rock knows exactly who you are! The green shirt, 'H' on your chest, green mask...why, you're the Hamburglar! Yeah, you're that cat that works for McDonald's! Go get me a cheeseburger, go get the Rock a cheeseburger, no ketchup! Ah-ah-ah, as a matter of fact, no-no, don't go nowhere! The Rock knows exactly who you are, yeah! Yeah, you're the resident superhero, the Hurricane! The Rock knows who you are, my man, yeah; don't you ever bust in the Rock's door like that again, you hear? Hey, but what's more importantly than that, let the Rock remind you of something: you ain't nothin'. You understand that? Every superhero can whip that ass, every single one of 'em! EVERY single one of 'em! Superman, Batman, Aquaman, oh yeah, Aquaman, that dude that talks to the fish, he'll whip that little candy ass, ''[snapping his fingers]'' just like that!
:'''The Hurricane''': Well, I know one superhero who I can definitely beat!
:'''The Rock''' ''[grinning, to himself]'': This is a joke. ''[to the Hurricane]'' Who?
:'''The Hurricane''': The Scorpion King!
:'''The Rock''': Oh, no you-! You, no-no-no - there is no WAY you can beat the Scorpion King, you don't-!
:'''The Hurricane''': ''Brendan Fraser'' beat the Scorpion King!
:'''The Rock''': Brenda-da-da-da, he did not, that was a special effect for the movie, for crying - the Scorpion King is the most powerful-
:'''The Hurricane''' ''[interrupting]'': Let me ask you one question, Rock, just one more: can the Rock...fly?
:'''The Rock''': ...you've been smokin' them funny cigarettes? The Rock gonna fly and whip that candy ass, the Rock-
:'''The Hurricane''': Well, good! Because tonight, the Hurricane is gonna send ''your'' candy ass flying over the top rope in that battle royal! ''[&quot;flies&quot; out of the room]''
:'''The Rock''': ...it was a special effect for the movie!

=== March 3 ===

:''[&quot;The Coach&quot;, Jonathan Coachman, knocks twice on the door to the Rock's locker room, microphone in hand. The Rock finally answers, while putting a stick of gum into his mouth]''
:'''Coach''': Hey, Rock, what's, what's goin' on-
:'''The Rock''' ''[interrupting]'': Are you...are you on crack, Coach? Are you on cr - wh-wh-what are you doing? What are you doing?
:'''Coach''': I just wanted to get a word with you before you go out tonight-
:'''The Rock''': You can't get a word with the Rock, that's not the way it works, you know that! You just don't, knock on the Rock's locker like that, the People's locker, you KNOW that! You already know that! ''[stammering]'' Hey, hey, d-do you have an *appointment* to speak to the Rock, is that it?
:'''Coach''': Rock, Rock, we go back-
:'''The Rock''': ''[stammering mockingly]'' Ah, shut up, Coach, let the Rock check the People's Palm Pilot! ''[holding up his hand]'' Ka-kow! ''[looking at his empty hand]'' How's Wednesday?
:'''Coach''': No, We-Wednesday doesn't work for me-
:'''The Rock''': Wednesday ''works''! You and your Rock-wannabe haircut, get out of the Rock's face! Who cut your hair? Ray Charles? Beat it! Wash ya ass! ''[Coach reluctantly leaves. The Rock goes back inside his locker room]'' Rock can't be ''dealing'' with that! The Rock has got a very big night; millions and millions of the Rock's fans waiting for him! ''[the crowd boos]'' The Rock said, millions and millions of the Rock's fans, waiting for him! ''[the crowd boos again, louder]'' Where's the Rock's guitar? The Rock has gotta soothe his soul, he's gotta sing a ''song''! ''[walks over to one of the curtains]'' The Rock's gotta sing a song, baby! Wh- ''[pulls the curtain back, only to see the Hurricane sitting in the closet behind the curtain]'' Heh...excuse the Rock one second. ''[closes the curtain, throws off his shades, ponders, and shakes his head, grinning]'' Nah. ''[chuckling]'' Nah. ''[turns back around and pulls back the curtain again. The Hurricane jumps out of the closet and stands on the other side of the Rock]''
:'''The Hurricane''': Holy...hypocrite! Just last week, you challenged Stone Cold Steve Austin to meet you, face-to-face, and yet this week, you got Eric Bischoff and his criminal committee doing all your dastardly work. What's up wit dat??
:'''The Rock''' ''[looking back to the curtain, then back at the Hurricane, clearing his throat]'': How long...have you been sitting in there? Huh? W-w-watching the Rock all night long, w-w-walking around here naked?! Oh, no, don't a - don't answer that, no-no-no, don't answer that! Tell you what. The Rock's glad you're here. The Rock's glad you're here, because - I wanted to talk to you. The Rock - the Rock, he was gonna go looking for you. Do you remember last week when you came, waltzin' in to the Rock's locker, you remember that? Yeah. And you talk - and you talk about how, how, how the Hurricane, could just whip the Scorpion King's ass! Yeah, you remember that? And you also talk, talk about how the Hurricane could just, could just gonna toss the Rock over the top rope, remember that? Well, if the Rock's memory serves him correctly, it was ''the Rock'' that tossed your little Hamburglar monkey ass right over the top rope. Remember that? Made you with all your friends; you had Grimace, and-and-and Mayor McCheese, Ronald McDonald, all them! Yeah! Remember that? More importantly than that, more importantly than that...when the Rock tossed you over the top rope, he was screaming something; the Rock was screaming something very important in your ear. Do you remember what the Rock was screaming?
:'''The Hurricane''': I remember you screaming. But it was when Booker T threw ''yo' '' ass over the top rope that you were screaming! ''[demonstrating how the Rock was thrown over the top rope]'' Like this!
:'''The Rock''': Don't do that. ''[The Hurricane demonstrates again]'' ''[stammering]'' No, none of that! Hey! Hey! ''[addressing the crowd]'' Hey-hey, stop cheering! ''[the crowd cheers loudly]'' Hey, he didn't throw - no, he didn't! You hear the Rock, he didn't throw - Booker T didn't throw the Rock over the top rope, the Rock ''tripped'' over the top rope, that's what happened. ''[to the crowd]'' Yeah, that's what happened! ''[the crowd boos]'' Oh, the Rock ''said'' that's what happened! ''[the crowd boos again]'' Let the Rock, l-l-let the Rock, let the Rock remind you of something! Let the Rock remind you of something: you ain't nothin'! You ain't nothin'! You ain't no superhero, not like the Scorpion King! You're 100 pounds of nothin'! 5-feet-nothin'! Oh, excuse the Rock one second, excuse the Rock, ''[taking his cell phone out of his pocket]'' his cell phone's goin' off! Oh, yeah! Oh... ''[&quot;answering&quot; his cell phone]'' Ka-kow, hello? Hey, it's Nothing, he says he knows you! ''[putting his cell phone back into his pocket]'' You're nothin'! ''[to the crowd]'' Oh, don't laugh at the Rock's jokes! ''[to the Hurricane]'' Cause you're nothin'! You're no - and, as a superhero... ''[chuckling]'' you've got braces! ''[The Hurricane begrudgingly smiles to reveal the braces on his teeth]'' You've got braces - what, wh-what are you, the president of student council? Is that what you're gonna do? What, are you gonna go sell band candy after the show? ''[laughing]'' Get your little Hamburglar green monkey ass out of the - before you leave, before you leave, before you go flyin' out, you do all that...uh, unrealistic crap, let the Rock remind you of something: the Rock, when he threw you over the top rope, he was saying to you, he was screaming to you, he was screaming to you, he said, hey! The greatest line, a superhero has ever said, the Scorpion King! He said, &quot;haku machente, da&quot;! &quot;Haku machente, ah!&quot;, do you remember that? Do you have any idea what that means? Do you have any idea, can you fathom, how-how enormous that is? Do you know what &quot;haku machente&quot; means?
:'''The Hurricane''': Well, apparently, from what I saw behind that curtain, it means &quot;the Scorpion King's got a tiny ding-a-ling&quot;!
:'''The Rock''' ''[horrified]'': AAHH!! AHH! No! No! Ahh! No - ''[stammering]'' - hey, whoa-whoa-whoa, I mean, there's a reason they call the Rock &quot;The Rock&quot;! Oh, yeah! ''[patting his leg]'' E-easy, big fella! Oh, yeah. Ah, no! No! That - ''[to the crowd]'' - stop laughing! ''[to the Hurricane, stammering]'' You know, I tell ya - how 'bout back to reality, a place that you clearly have no idea where that's at, because you are clearly insane? Let the Rock ask you this: what do - what do you want? What do you want?
:'''The Hurricane''': I'm here, Rock, because I figured you out. You're a coward! You're afraid of Steve Austin! You're afraid of Stone Cold! That's why you got Eric Bischoff to do all your dirty work today. You see, you talk a big game, and your gums, they do flap, but it would appear, that you're full of Brahma bull CRAP! ''[&quot;flies&quot; his way out of the Rock's locker room again]''
:'''The Rock''': Hey-hey-hey, the Rock ain't scared, of nobody! Nobody! ''[looking down at his pants]'' You are ''still'' the man! You are still, you are...

=== March 31 ===
:'''Jim Ross''': Glad you're happy about it. Folks, I'll tell you what, as long as I live, as long as I live, I'll never ver - gonna forget March 31, 2003 because, although Eric Bischoff has done the worst thing that any human being, he has, he has robbed Austin of his dreams, of his livelihood. And let me say this. And understand what I'm telling you. And I'm on record for this. Eric Bischoff is a no good, lousy, son of a bitch.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Hey hey hey! Easy!
:'''Ross''': That's exactly what he is! And how he got Austin's records, I'll never know. But he's a no good bastard for what he did, for taking Austin right out of the ball game for medical reasons. He's ruined his dreams, he couldn't beat him, he can't find anybody to beat him, and this is what he's done! And he oughta burn in hell for it!

=== May 12 ===
:''[The Dudley Boyz just trashed 3-Minute Warning for almost beating up Classy Freddie Blassie, but....]''
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': Whoa whoa whoa, stop it right there. Stop it right there. Classy Freddie Blassie got something he wants to say.
:'''Freddie Blassie''': D-Von, get the table!
:'''Austin''': You heard the man. D-Von get the table!!! ''[Dudleys prepare the table for Rico]''

=== July 14 ===
:''[After Kane sets Jim Ross on fire]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''' ''[walking out into the arena]'': Damn you, Steve Austin! Damn you anyway! How do you feel now? Are you proud of yourself now, Austin? How did that make you feel?! That wasn't Kane who put the match to Jim Ross! That wasn't Kane who poured gasoline on him! That wasn't Kane who set Jim Ross on fire, dammit! It was YOU! This is YOUR fault! Yours and yours alone! And I've got news for you; I got a call from Linda McMahon! Next week, in Los Angeles, in the ring you're standing in right now, she is going to fire your ass! Fire you! Damn you to hell anyway, Steve Austin! Damn, you, straight, to, hell!!! You rotten bastard!

=== December 8 ===
:''[Raw co-general manager Mick Foley stands in the ring with a clipboard as the crowd chants his name]''
:'''Mick''': You know, when I took over as co-general manager of ''Raw'', I did so with the intention of making things right. ''[the crowd cheers]'' Now if, at Armageddon, Ric Flair were to become involved in the Randy Orton-RVD match, well then that certainly would not be right. So I've decided that that matchup at Armageddon needs a special guest referee...
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Uh-oh.
:'''Mick''': ...and after consulting with myself for several hours I've decided that that special guest referee is going to be: me, Mick Foley.
:'''Jerry''': What?
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh, Mick!
:''[the crowd cheers]''
:'''Mick''': Thank you. Now, another thing I'd like to make right, is the reinstatement to ''Raw'' of Stone Cold Steve Austin. ''[the crowd cheers louder]''
:'''Jim''': He started that petition drive last week.
:'''Mick''': Last week, I brought out a petition; as of now, we have over half a million signatures saying, &quot;We want Stone Cold back on ''Raw''!&quot; ''[the crowd keeps cheering]''
:'''Jim''': It was on the Internet-
:'''Mick''': But we need more. So I brought out another petition, so that tonight, in Anaheim, California...
:''[suddenly he is interrupted by La Résistance's music, and René Duprée and Rob Conway make their way out to the ring, both brandishing French flags]''
:'''Jerry''': Uh-oh, wait a minute.
:'''Jim''': La Résistance. And La Résistance, of course, were embarrassed and humiliated last week, being fired for a few minutes because, well, they - they didn't recite the Pledge of Allegiance for the flag of the United States of America!
:'''Jerry''': Well, René didn't. That was great, Mick Foley tried to make La Résistance say the Pledge of Allegiance. Well, they're killing Mick Foley's buzz here, what are they - what are they doing out here?
:'''Jim''': They earn their money in this country, why can't they...do the right thing? I mean - Conway's not French, he's a French sympathizer!
:'''Jerry''' ''[as Conway takes a mic]'': Speaking of the right thing, look at - look at Foley's shoes!
:'''Rob''': Hold on...you say you're out here to make things right? ''[the crowd starts a &quot;USA&quot; chant]'' You call humiliating us last week on live TV &quot;making things right&quot;?
:'''René''' ''[taking the mic]'': Well, you're not right! Look at you, Mick Foley, you're nothing but a joke! ''[to the crowd]'' And America is a joke as well!
:''[the crowd boos]''
:'''Jerry''': Wait a minute.
:'''René''': You really think if the French would have gone to Iraq, we would not have found the weapons of mass destruction? Hell, the war would have been over!
:'''Jim and Jerry''': What?!
:'''René''': Because everybody knows that the French are not only better lovers...we are better fighters as well.
:'''Jim''': Come on!
:'''Rob''': You see, Mick, Eric Bischoff had assured us that our jobs are safe. So it's our turn to humiliate ''you'', starting with you saluting the French flag...
:''[the crowd boos]''
:'''Jerry''': Oh, come on!
:'''Rob''': ...right here, right now!
:'''Jerry''': Like, Eric Bischoff said their jobs are safe?
:'''René''': And if you don't, ''je te pitié, mon ami'', we will intro you to a beating, French-style.
:'''Mick''': Wait a second, let me get this straight: you want me to salute the French flag, right here, right now? ''[looks to the crowd, who boos and tries to dissuade him]''
:'''Jerry''': Let's make a bet on that!
:'''Mick''': Listen, wait-wait, you know...I have - I have nothing against French things. I-I like French fries...I like, I like French toast...
:'''Jerry''': Yeah!
:'''Mick''': I like, I even like French's mustard!
:'''Jerry''': Ah!
:'''Mick''': But I don't like ''you''. ''[pointing his finger at Duprée and backing him into a corner]'' So if you think you're gonna beat the crap out of me, you go ahead, but I sure as hell am not gonna stand here in Anaheim, California - ''[the crowd cheers loudly]'' - of the United States of America, and salute that damn flag! You think you can beat the crap out of me, you bring it on now, but I'm not saluting the French flag!
:'''René''': Well, ''c'est la vie'', Mick Foley! We have no problem with, how do you say, kicking your ass! ''[he and Conway drop their flags]''
:'''Mick''': Bring it on! ''[both he and Duprée drop their mics]''
:'''Jerry''': Uh-oh, look out now!
:'''Jim''' ''[as La Résistance back Foley into a corner]'' : It's two-on-one here!
:'''Jerry''': There goes Mick's suit!
:''[suddenly, the Rock's music hits and the crowd begins to cheer]''
:'''Jim''': What?
:'''Jerry''': What?!
:'''Jim''': WHAT? WHAT??
:'''Jerry''': What the hell is this, JR?!
:'''Jim''': What the hell is-
:''[The Rock comes out to a loud ovation]''
:'''Jerry''': AAAHHH!!
:'''Jim''': My God! Oh my God, it's the Rock!!
:'''Jerry''': The Rock!!
:'''Jim''' ''[as the Rock makes his way to the ring]'': The Great One is here!! And he's all-American!
:'''Jerry''': The Rock!
:'''Jim''': My God, these fans are on their feet! We are live in Anaheim! This is electrifying!
:'''Jerry''': I - I can't believe what I'm seeing, JR! It's the Rock!
:'''Jim''': Mick Foley was about to be - about to be assaulted by La Résistance, these, these Frenchmen!
:'''Jerry''': Look at these fans!
:'''Jim''': The roar of this crowd, ladies and gentlemen, is just deafening here!
:'''Jerry''' ''[as the Rock takes a mic]'': JR, it's the Rock!
:'''Jim''': I can't...I can't believe what I'm seeing! ''[the music stops and the crowd does a &quot;Rocky&quot; chant before continuing cheering]'' Man, this is a ''Raw'' moment.
:''[after a moment of taking in the cheers, the Rock finally holds up his mic]''
:'''The Rock''': Finally... The Rock has come back to Anaheim!
:'''Jerry''': Oh yes! It's the Rock!
:'''The Rock''': See, let the Rock clear something up, the Rock came out here tonight to surprise his friend Mick Foley; the Rock came out to surprise, the millions...
:'''The crowd''': And millions!
:'''The Rock''': ...of the Rock's fans...but see, the Rock is a little confused; he's confused, you see, because the Rock knows everybody here. The Rock knows Mick Foley, the Rock knows the people... ''[the crowd cheers loudly]'' ...the Rock knows Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross...
:'''Jerry''': Hey-hey!
:'''The Rock''': Yeah. Yeah. The Rock knows Lilian Garcia! ''[Lilian waves at the Rock]'' How you doing, honey?
:'''Jerry''': Uh-oh!
:'''The Rock''': You still like the strudel?
:'''Jerry''': Oh! ''[Lilian smiles sheepishly and the Rock laughs]'' How else does the Rock know Lilian?
:''[the crowd starts a &quot;Rocky&quot; chant again]''
:'''The Rock''': The Rock knows every - ''[gesturing to the cameraman in the corner]'' - the Rock knows Marty, the cross-dressing cameraman right here, he knows him. ''[indicating the cameraman]'' Don't worry, your secret's safe with the Rock; you see, the Rock, the Rock doesn't know, the Rock doesn't know two people. The Rock doesn't know you two. So help the Rock. Tell the Rock, exactly, who in the blue hell are you two French popcorn farts anyway?
:'''Jerry''': Ahh!
:'''The Rock''' ''[as Duprée starts to reply]'': It doesn't matter who you are!! ''[the crowd cheers]'' You thi - you actually think the Rock gives a monkey's nutsack what Pepé Le Pew number 1 and number 2 have to say?
:'''Jerry''': Pepé Le Pew?!
:'''The Rock''': You come out here running your mouth, running your mouth to Mick Foley about how you're gonna beat him French-style? What the hell is that, what are you gonna do, French kiss him to death, is that what you're gonna do? Look at you two - the Rock knows, the Rock knows you two are little Fifi, anyway!
:'''Jerry''': Fifi??
:'''Jim''': What was that, &quot;Fifi&quot;?
:''[the crowd begins a &quot;Fifi&quot; chant]''
:'''Jerry''': Fifi chant!
:'''Jim''': La Résistance didn't like that a bit.
:'''The Rock''': The Rock asks you, come out here running your French mouths, let the Rock ask you one question: how's your lips? ''[Duprée and Conway look confused]''
:'''Jerry''': Lips?
:'''The Rock''': How's your lips?; how do you like your lips? You like 'em where they are?, because if you keep running your mouth, the Rock and Mick Foley are gonna slap your lips right off your French faces! And there'll be two sets of lips laying right here, flopping around like fish, and, hold on a second, you're gonna - ''[talking without his lips]'' you're gonna be like that - ''[back to normal]'' and what the Rock is gonna do, the Rock and Mick Foley are gonna pick up your French lips, and make you kiss our American asses! 
:''[the crowd cheers and starts another &quot;USA&quot; chant]''
:'''Jerry''': JR, this is the greatest - look at the fun these fans are having!
:'''Jim''': This is ''Monday Night Raw'', man, everybody's having a great time tonight!
:'''The Rock''': And let the Rock tell you one more thing -
:'''René''': No, no, no, no, no more &quot;one thing&quot;, you listen to me, Rocky! ''[the crowd boos]'' You show us some respect, ''tout de suite''! Because this Sunday at Armageddon, at the Tag Team Turmoil, ''Rocky'', me and my partner Robért Conway are gonna become the new World Tag Team Champions. How do you like that, Rocky?
:'''The Rock''': First of all, Frenchy, I am not &quot;Rocky&quot;! The name, is the Rock! And - and here's another thing; oh, the Rock knows about Armageddon, the Rock is excited about Armageddon! Oh, yeah-yeah-yeah, yeah! But see, you two, you two candyasses, you're not gonna win the tag team titles, you know why? Number 1: you're French. Number 2: you suck, exactly.
:'''Jerry''': French ''and'' they suck! They would probably surrender before the match starts!
:'''The Rock''': And here's another thing: you actually had the nerve to say the French army went to Iraq, they would've found weapons of mass destruction, the war would've been over? That what you said? Well, let the Rock explain this, let me, the Ro-Rock explain this: you see, the French army would've went into Iraq, would've went to Russia, China, if the French army would've come right here to Orange County, the exact same thing - the exact same thing would've happened. The French general would've walked right up to the enemy and would've said this: ''[speaking in mock French accent]'' &quot;Oh, we are so sorry! We are so sorry! Oh, don't hurt us, no-no-no-no-no, we so sorry! Oh, we make you crème brûlée! You like to pet our poodle?&quot;
:'''Jerry''': Poodle?!
:'''The Rock''': See, so you understand, the only thing strong about the French army is their damn body odor.
:'''Jim''': Ooh!
:'''The Rock''': And I'll tell you what, you run your mouth, you wanna beat up on Mick Foley or try to beat on Mick Foley, two-on-one, well now, live on ''Raw'', you can try and show us how tough you are, two-on-''two''!
:'''Jim''': Oh my, here we go!
:'''Jerry''': Here we go!
:'''Jim''': Now you're talkin'!
:'''Mick''': And mark my words, you don't wanna mess with the Sock &amp; Rock Connection!
:'''Jerry''': Oh no, no - not ''that'' again, JR!
:'''The Rock''': You damn right, you bet your ass - ''[turning to Foley]'' what did you just say?
:'''Mick''': The Sock and Rock...
:'''The Rock''': No, no, no, no, Mick...thank you, it's the ''Rock'' and Sock Connection!
:'''Jerry''': Oh!
:''[Duprée and Conway begin attacking the Rock and Foley]''
:'''Jim''': Oh, wait!
:'''Jerry''': Look at this!
:'''Jim''': La Résistance has heard all the talking! A cheap shot on the Rock! One on Foley! And here we go!
:'''Jerry''': These French guys are nuttier than I thought, I can't believe that they're doing this!
:''[Duprée and Conway throw the Rock over the top rope]''
:'''Jim''': The Rock thrown over the top rope to the outside, and Mick Foley now trying to fight off two men; La Résistance hammering Mick Foley back to the corner! René...René Duprée and Rob Conway, stomping the hell out of Mick Foley!
:'''Jerry''': This is not right! These French are supposed to suck!
:''[The Rock comes back into the ring]''
:'''Jim''': Bischoff gave these men permission to assault Foley, and here comes the Rock!
:''[The Rock clotheslines Conway, then turns his attention to Duprée]''
:'''Jerry''': Look at this!
:'''Jim''' ''[as the Rock chops on Duprée]'' : The Rock, opening up on right hands! ''[The Rock clotheslines Duprée over the top rope]'' The Brahma Bull just beheaded René Dupree!
:'''Jerry''' ''[as the Rock then grabs Conway]'': It's vintage Rock! Are you ready? ''[Conway gets hit with the Rock Bottom]'' Rock Bottom!
:'''Jim''': The Rock Bottom! ''[as Conway rolls out of the ring, Duprée comes back in and knocks down the Rock from behind]'' And up from behind! Duprée again! ''[Duprée does a little dance in the ring]'' And the arrogant, cocky young Frenchman!
:'''Jerry''': Oh, no!
:'''Jim''': What a stupid dance! ''[suddenly the Rock kips back up and stands behind Duprée]'' And the Rock is up!
:'''Jerry''': Look at this!
:'''Jim''' ''[as the Rock goes back on the attack]'' Right hands by the Rock! And Duprée is reeling!
:'''Jerry''' ''[as the Rock hits a big right hand in the corner]'': Ohh!
:'''Jim''': Another big right hand, by the Brahma Bull!
:''[Foley is back up as he then puts Mr. Socko on his right hand]''
:'''Jerry''': I bet the Rock is gonna -
:'''Jim''': Oh no!
:'''Jerry''': Aahhh!
:''[Foley gives Duprée the Mandible Claw with Mr. Socko on his hand]''
:'''Jim''': Socko! Socko! ''[Foley pushes Duprée over to the Rock, who then hits him with a spinebuster]'' That Mandible Claw and the spinebuster slam!
:'''Jerry''': Whoa, wait a minute...are we gonna see it here one more time on ''Raw''?
:'''Jim''': This huge crowd here in Anaheim -
:'''Jerry''': Yes! It's the most electrifying move in all of sports entertainment - ''[The Rock hits the People's Elbow on Duprée]'' - the People's Elbow!
:'''Jim''': The People's Elbow found its mark! The Rock &amp; Sock Conne - oh, wait a minute! ''[Conway runs back into the ring, only to be hit with a spinebuster as well]'' Another spinebuster! It's not over yet!
:'''Jerry''': These French punks won't quit! ''[Foley is volunteering to the Rock to get the next hit]'' Oh, no, wait a minute! It's Foley's turn! Yeah, go ahead!
:'''Jim''': Well, they are the Rock &amp; Sock Connection! Mick Foley...
:'''Jerry''' ''[as Foley runs back and forth between the ropes]'': It's the most awkward, unathletic-looking...
:''[Foley then hits Mr. Elbow on Conway, down low]''
:'''Jim''': Oh, down there in the nether lands! Mick Foley dropped that elbow, it wasn't artistic, but it was effective!
:''[Foley pics the mic back up as Conway rolls back out of the ring in pain; the crowd does a &quot;Rocky&quot; chant]''
:'''Jerry''': This is amazing!
:'''Mick''': You two clowns...you two clowns better run...if you smell, la-la-la-la -
:''[The Rock snatches the mic from Foley's hand as Lawler is chuckling audibly]''
:'''The Rock''': The Rock's got a lot of love for you, Mick; don't you ''ever'', and the Rock means ''ever'', steal the Rock's catchphrases.
:'''Jerry''' ''[as the Rock poses for his catchphrase]'': This is the way you do it right here.  It's patented, it's trademark!
:'''The Rock''': ...if you smeeellll, la-la-la-la-laowww, what the Rock is cooking! ''[drops the mic]''
:'''Jerry''': Oh, yeah!
:'''Jim''' ''[as the Rock and Foley pose for the crowd]'': The Rock and Sock Connection, making their presence felt, on these arrogant and quite unprofessional La Résistance members!
:'''Jerry''': Boy, ''Monday Night Raw'' can certainly smell what the Rock is cook - can you believe it, JR? The Rock's on ''Raw''!
:'''Jim''': And it's all live, before your very eyes; that's why ''Monday Night Raw'' is the flagship of the WWE! The Rock and Sock Connection, what a reunion tonight!
:'''Jerry''': Unbeliev - uh-oh.
:''[The Rock picks up Foley's clipboard from the canvas and proceeds to sign the petition before walking out]''
:'''Jim''': And look at the Rock, he's signing that petition...
:'''Jerry''': Yes! To bring back Stone Cold Steve Austin!
:'''Jim''': The Rock signed the petition to bring back the Texas Rattlesnake! What a moment!
:'''Jerry''': What a night!
:'''Jim''': And this night is far from over! The Great One, the Rock, the Rock &amp; Sock Connection! The Rock surprised all of us; what a shocker!

===December 15===
:''[Evolution is on the stage with all the championships they won at Armageddon the night prior]''
:'''Triple H''': All along, I promised you that Evolution would change the face of sports entertainment. ''[crowd boos]'' Last night, at Armageddon, Evolution fulfilled that promise! Because in one night, in one clean sweep, we took all the gold. ''[looks at Randy Orton]'' Intercontinental Champion, ''[looks at Ric Flair and Batista]'' World Tag Team Champions, and World Heavyweight Champion. ''[raises World Heavyweight Championship]'' And Goldberg, all your fans, they all wanted to believe the hype. But let me explain to you like this: I'm Triple H, I am The Game, and with me, ''[laughs]'' with me, there is no hype necessary. Tonight, everybody learns to live under Evolution's golden rule. And that is, we have all the gold, so we make all the rules. ''[Evolution raises their respective championships]''

==2004==
===February 16===
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': It turns out Eric Bischoff made a decision regarding the World title at WrestleMania, but I guess, uh, he was too afraid to come out here and tell you to your face because maybe he might piss you off. But since I don't give a rat's ass what you think, I'll come out here and make the announcement myself. So for the first time in history, the World Heavyweight Championship will be decided at WrestleMania, Madison Square Garden, March 14, in a Triple Threat match.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What?! What?!
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh my god!
:'''Austin''': Triple H versus Chris Benoit versus Shawn Michaels. And that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold said so!

===February 23===
:''[Vince McMahon is choking Eric Bischoff outside the ring as Stone Cold Steve Austin watches]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Hey wait, what the hell?!
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What? ''[Brock Lesnar is in the ring standing behind Austin]'' Oh my god!
:'''Ross''': My god it's, it's Brock Lesnar!
:'''Lawler''': Austin! Look behind you!
:'''Ross''': ''[Lesnar lifts Austin up on his shoulders]'' Stone Cold up!
:'''Lawler''': Oh!
:'''Ross''': Lesnar! ''[Lesnar delivers an F5 to Austin]'' Brock Lesnar from ''SmackDown!'' just F5'd the hell out of Stone Cold! Lesnar's got no business being here! This is not ''SmackDown!'', this is ''Raw''!
:'''Lawler''': What the?! I cannot believe this! Brock Lesnar F5'd Stone Cold Steve Austin! What does this mean?!
:'''Ross''': What the hell is going on?! What is Lesnar doing here?! Brock Lesnar, from behind! It's Lesnar standing over Austin! My god what has, what has happened here?! What has happened here??!

===May 24===
:''[Eric Bischoff has had enough of Triple H and Shawn Michaels, who are being restrained by other wrestlers from mauling each other in the ring]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': That is it, that is enough! Triple H, Shawn Michaels...at Bad Blood, it is going to be has a.. ''[Triple H breaks out and attacks Shawn and the wrestlers still push to stop them]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Well. look out! He's loose!
:'''Jim Ross''': Triple H breaking loose before Bischoff had to finish what he was gonna say.
:'''Lawler''': Triple H is a man of his word. He said he's gonna destroy Michaels here tonight, he'll do it!
:'''Bischoff''': ENOUGH!! ''[everybody stops]'' At Bad Blood, it will be Triple H versus Shawn Michaels... HELL... IN A CELL!!!
:'''Lawler''': Oh boy!
:'''Ross''': Oh my God, oh my- that's what Michaels wanted! Hell in a Cell!!

===June 14===
:''[Jim Ross brings together HHH and Shawn Michaels after their Hell in a Cell match at Bad Blood]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Gentlemen, I, along with all these fans here, totally understand the physical condition that you're in. I hope that you will totally conduct yourself in the spirit of why you were asked to be here. I must say that in 30 years of broadcasting this great game that your match last night at the Hell in a Cell will live for generations to come. But Shawn, Triple H, it's time for this to end. I am respectfully, respectfully asking you two men to shake hands, to officially signify the end of the most storified rivalry in the WWE so that you may both get on with your lives. 
:'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[on commentary as HHH and Shawn get closer and JR distances]'' I don't know... that don't look good on paper, I don't think thats gonna... So much history, so much hatred between these two men, who one time were best friends, closer than brothers. I wonder who's gonna extend their hand first, I think Shawn ''[Shawn reaches out]'' You think this should happen ''[HHH moves to shake hands but Eric Bischoff's theme plays and he steps out]''

== 2005 ==
=== February 21 ===

:'''Triple H''': Can you believe this?
:'''Ric Flair''': No.
:'''Triple H''': It's supposed to be the biggest night in Batista's career. It's supposed to be the biggest night in the history of Evolution, Ric. This is the first night, this is where it all happens. You and I are gonna run this business, and it all starts tonight. After everything we've done for him, and tonight of all nights, he has the guts to be over two hours late?
:'''Ric''': Champ, you have bent over backwards for him! You created Batista! You made him! You put him in a position to make a huge amount of impact on this industry! You did it!
:'''Triple H''': I've done more than you even know.
:'''Ric''': You have?
:'''Triple H''': Yeah.
:'''Ric''': Like what? Stuff I don't know?
:'''Triple H''': You know how hard it is to get footage from ''SmackDown!'' of JBL and Big Show, and get it put into ''Raw''? It's not easy. And do you know how hard it is to find a white limousine and get those ''stupid'' big horns put on the front to make Dave think that JBL was trying to run him over?
:'''Ric''': Wait, wait, wait, wait, ''you'' orchestrated that last week, the limousine almost running over Dave?
:'''Triple H''': Hey, relax, relax, hold on. Now, it's not like I was trying to have him killed. I was just trying to light a fire under him, for his own good. Listen, sometimes, Dave is not smart enough to know what's good for him. Just trying to ensure that he made the right decision tonight ''[Ric's jaw drops]'' and went to ''SmackDown!''.
:'''Ric''': Oh...my...God, there have been times when I thought you were a genius, I've even told people you were a genius, but now, I know you're a genius! God, that's the greatest thing I've ever heard in my life! You know that?! Oh my God, WOO! WOO! No wonder they call you the Cerebral Assassin! Champ, that's the greatest move I've ever seen, and I've been around a long time.
:'''Triple H''': Ric! Yeah, it's a great plan, but it's all for nothing if the big idiot gets here tonight and decides to be selfish and stay on ''Raw''. Batista needs to do what's right for Evolution. What's right for Evolution is right for Batista, and what's right for Batista is for him to go to ''SmackDown!''. ''[Camera begins pulling back]'' Now, when he gets here, we need to make sure...
:'''Ric''': You are clever beyond the word &quot;clever.&quot; You are a gen... You may be the most intelligent human being I've ever met in my life.
:''[As Ric speaks, it is revealed that Batista has been listening outside the door]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eric Bischoff''': Batista, before you...you make any decisions, there's a couple things I want to say. By signing this contract, two things are going to happen. First and foremost, you remain with ''Raw'', the flagship program, the #1 brand in all of sports entertainments, and the brand that made you a superstar. ''Raw'' is a brand that'll give your career stability, because unlike ''other'' general managers ''[looks at Theodore Long]'', my job is not in jeopardy. But more importantly, by signing this contract, it means that you'll face Triple H one-on-one for the Heavyweight Title at WrestleMania! It's the dream of every superstar in our business, to face Triple H, a man who is arguably one of the biggest names in the history of our industry. A man that, even the Nature Boy, he says it best. Ric Flair says it best: to be the man, you gotta beat that man, Triple H! ''[Triple H shakes his head at Batista]'' And this is your opportunity. So Batista, this isn't really a question. It's a simple thing. Sign the contract, reach your dreams.
:'''Theodore Long''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, just a minute. Just a minute. Now, Batista, actually, there is a choice. Now, you can sign ''this'' contract and come to ''SmackDown!''. Now, we all... You can't tell me that you didn't feel the electricity when you walked out on No Way Out last night. Now, we all saw what you could do to the WWE Champion, JBL. We also saw the magic when you stared John Cena in the eye.
:Now think about this, Batista. John Cena, Batista, the two hottest commodities in the WWE on the same show. In fact, you two could start your own rivalry. It could be the biggest rivalry since Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Rock. Now, not only is it JBL and John Cena waiting for you at ''SmackDown!'', it's Eddie Guerrero, Rey Mysterio, Olympic gold medalist Kurt Angle. And think about this: one day, it could be Batista one-on-one with the Undertaker!
:But you know something, player? In order for this to happen, you have to sign ''this'' contract. Now, you beat JBL, you beat John Cena in a Triple Threat Match at WrestleMania 21, and I assure you that your career will blow up on ''SmackDown!''. Now, it's time for you to make that decision, player.
:''[Theodore hands the contract to Batista, who now holds both. He grabs the pen on the ''SmackDown!'' contract]''
:'''Triple H''': Dave, this shouldn't be a very difficult decision for you, 'cause there's really only one person that you need to listen to. See, because it's not ''[looks at Eric]'' what's best for ''Raw'', ''[turns to Theodore]'' and it's not about what's best for ''SmackDown!''. It's about one thing, big man. It's about what's best for you. It's about what's best for Batista, man. And I don't want you to worry about Ric and myself, 'cause hey, what's best for Batista will be best for Evolution.
:I want you to picture something, Dave. Imagine this. It's WrestleMania 21, it's all said and done, and I'm standing in the middle of this ring ''still'' the World Heavyweight Champion, and standing right next to me is the new WWE Champion, Batista. Think about it, Dave. We would rule the world. We would answer to no one, man. Everything we ever dreamed of. You know how big that is?
:Think about it like this. It's 1986, the Four Horsemen are running wild, Ric Flair is the NWA Champion! But what if...what if Arn Anderson were the WWE Champion, huh? They would've been unstoppable. But it never happened.
:Think about it like this. DX in our prime, on top of our game, Shawn Michaels is the WWE Champion! What if I had been the WCW Champion? We could have written history. You see that, Dave? But it never happened. You and I, you and I have an opportunity to make history, and we owe it to ourselves to do it.
:Now, Dave, I don't want you to be concerned about Bradshaw, I don't want you to be concerned about Cena, because I know deep inside of my heart, you could beat both those guys at the same time like that. You see, Dave, we have an opportunity to do the greatest thing that has ever been done in this industry. We owe it to ourselves, we owe it to the world, you and I, to walk that aisle with the &quot;Nature Boy&quot; Ric Flair, side-by-side, owning this business.
:Doesn't seem like a difficult decision to me at all, Dave. It really doesn't. And I've got a feeling...you know what you want to do, big man. Don't you? You know what you want to do.
:'''Batista''': Hunter, I've known what I was gonna do for a long time.
:''[Batista looks at the contracts and throws the ''Raw'' contract to the ground. Eric lowers his head in sadness. Triple H and Ric cheer Batista, giving him thumbs up. Batista gives one right back, then slowly turns it down. He attacks both, tossing Ric out of the ring]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Ooh, Batista!
:'''Jerry''': What is he doing?!
:'''Jim Ross''': My god, Batista, the thumbs-down to the world's champion! Evolution's Animal!
:'''Jerry''' He almost took Triple H's head off, and he's dumped Naitch out of the ring! Wait a minute! ''[Batista sets Triple H up...]'' Wait a minute, Batista, what are you doing?! If you do this, there's no turning back! No!
:''[Batista powerbombs Triple H through the table]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh my God Almighty! What a big powerbomb through the table! The world's champion through the table!
:''[Batista picks up the ''Raw'' contract and signs it over Triple H's prone body]''
:'''Batista''': Hunter, I'm staying right here on ''Raw'', and at WrestleMania, I'm taking the World Championship... ''[tosses contract clipboard at HHH]'' from you!
:'''Jim Ross''': Well, the deal is done. The untamed spirit of the animal known as Batista has made his decision. Batista will stay on ''Raw'', and Batista will go to WrestleMania 21. And if the deal is set and granted, Batista will come for the world's title against The Game, and it's gonna happen at WrestleMania 21.

=== February 28 ===
:'''Chris Jericho''': I came out here with an agenda tonight, to make a statement. And the reason is that WrestleMania 21 is less than five weeks away. We've already announced some of the biggest matches in Mania history. From Batista vs. Triple H for the World Championship, from Cena to JBL for the WWE Championship, Michaels has challenged Angle, Hogan's in the Hall of Fame, Stone Cold Steve Austin on ''Piper's Pit''. Everybody wants to make an impact, so do I; everybody wants to be a part of history, so do I. I have an idea for a match to do that. {{W|Money in the Bank ladder match|It's a match that involves Y2J, five other elite WWE Superstars, a chance of a lifetime, and most importantly, one very big solid steel ladder.}}

=== May 16 ===
:''[Jonathan Coachman and Eric Bischoff have just shut down Chris Benoit and Tajiri's ECW Rules match]''
:'''Jonathan Coachman''': Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it! Stop this match right now! General Manager Eric Bischoff has been informed about what's going on out here. So the Coach would suggest that you climb down off that ladder, Chris Benoit, and listen up.
:''[Eric Bischoff's music hits and Eric Bischoff shows up]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': Thank you, Coach. I wish I would've listened to you a little earlier because apparently, you two arranged for this match while I was busy attending other matters. Well, Benoit, you can get down off that ladder because I am officially ending this match right now! ''[audience boos]'' Look! Look! I never sanctioned any ECW match and I never would because ECW is pure garbage. As a matter of fact, from this moment on, I am banning ECW from ''Raw''. Oh, listen up! It will not be chanted in the building. It will not be discussed in the locker room. And then, if I see one ECW sign in my building, I will have it confiscated! And to make my point, I'm going to prohibit anybody from the Raw roster from participating at ECW's One Night Stand. Hell, I am going to ban the letters ECW from ''Raw''. And let me be perfectly clear, the only participation Raw is going to have at ECW's One Night Stand is when I personally show up with my volunteered group of Raw superstars and put an end to ECW once and for all.

===May 23===
:'''Jim Ross''': We're back here live at Green Bay on Monday Night RAW, the ECW Funeral.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Take it off. Take your hat off, JR, it's a funeral, for Chrissakes!

=== August 8 ===

:'''Jim Ross''': What do you think about Mr. McMahon rehiring Matt Hardy?
:'''Edge''': JR, what do I think about Vince McMahon's decision, Mr. McMahon's decision to rehire Matt Hardy? You know what? I think it's genius. Yeah. It's a moneymaking match. Here's a little known fact, though. You see, I actually went to Vince and I asked him to rehire Matt. Yeah. You see, because, with what I want to do to Matt Hardy, if I did that on the streets, what I'm gonna do at SummerSlam, I'd be in jail. You see, at SummerSlam, you're gonna witness legalized assault. Which is why I resent us being sequestered into this dressing room. You know, Matt Hardy has been re-signed to ''Raw'' and the lunatic is running around. Well, ''he's'' the one out of control, not me. But that's fine, that's cool, and Eric Bischoff wants to put security guards on the door, to protect us. We don't need the protection, he does! So I'm gonna ask them to leave, I want them to go. Yeah. I want them to get out of here, because Matt, I'm begging, I'm PLEADING, I want you to come in here. Come into the dressing room, come on BARGING in. Because you know what'll happen? You'll probably ''[mockingly]'' break down and have yourself a little cry, won't you Matt?
:You see, I saw your promo last week, Matt, and I think it was PATHETIC! It was absolutely pathetic, after all the months of dragging our names through the mud, our personal lives out there for everyone to see, AND THAT'S ALL YOU CAN MUSTER UP FROM YOUR STOMACH, FROM YOUR GUTS?! Well, my hands are shaking and it's from hate, it's from real emotion, Matt! ''[Points at his eyes]'' This is passion, this is intensity! This is real!
:I see why Lita left you for me. You know, you said last week you wanted me to get into a car accident. You see, for me, it's the opposite. I want you to be nice and safe, Matt. You get in the car and you strap that seat belt in tight. I want you 100%. Because at SummerSlam, I'm going to prove that you don't measure up to me as a man to me in any way. In any way. You whined and complained, and you bitched and moaned last week saying Lita was the girl of your dreams. You wanted to marry her. Matt, you were with her for six years but you never proposed. So let me fill in the blanks here, I figured it out. You see, nobody comes before Matt Hardy and his &quot;wrestling legacy.&quot; I heard you say it! Nothing comes before V1.
:So with that being said, Matt, you should thank me. It sounds strange, but you should thank me. You see, you've never gotten reactions like this before in your career. You're in the main event picture now, and why? Why? Because you're riding my coattails in. Yeah. You see, when you were defending the Cruiserweight Championship, running around with your little MFers, me, I was fighting Kurt Angle. Chris Benoit, Eddie Guerrero, Triple H, Shawn Michaels, I EARNED MY MAIN EVENT STRIPES! I deserve to be where I am. And why are you here? Because your girlfriend fell in love with a main eventer. Yeah. So Matt Hardy, the main event spotlight, it's shining on ya! Your 15 minutes in the spotlight, it's shining on ya, and I know it feels good. Well, we're 13 minutes into it and time is slowly ticking away. And at SummerSlam, Matt, I end it. Now I know that cuts close to the bone, I know it does, and I know it hurts. The truth usually does.

=== October 10 ===
:''[Everybody in the locker room gives Triple H the cold stare over turning on Ric Flair the week before, and he chances upon John Cena]''
:'''John Cena''': I don't know you, I ain't gonna judge you, but after last week, you lost some respect.
:'''Triple H''': ''[tries to walk away but gets back to Cena]'' You know, if I were you, the last thing I'd want to do is get my attention, you know what I mean? 
:'''John Cena''': You know me. You want some? ''[taps WWE Championship]'' Come get some!
:'''Triple H''': Don't you worry. When I want some, ''[angrily points to title]'' I'll take it! ''[leaves]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Linda McMahon appears after Vince and Stephanie fail to force JR to apologize over supporting Steve Austin as he Stunnered the McMahons the week before at Raw's USA Network return]''
:'''Linda McMahon''': ''[rebuffing Vince's assurance that they got the situation under control]'' Well, Vince as your devoted wife and Stephanie, as your mother, I just simply cannot let the two of you continue this way. Last week, when we returned to USA Network, it was a wonderful opportunity for a new beginning for the entire McMahon family. It was a chance for a clean slate. The only way to garner respect from people is not, Vince, by yelling and screaming, or Steph, by pitching a fit. It's by taking action. ''[to JR]'' So, JR, on behalf of the entire ''[looks at Vince and Stephanie]'' McMahon family... ''[long pause] YOU'RE FIRED!! [gives JR a low blow as Vince and Stephanie gleefully mock him bawled over]''

=== November 14 ===
:'''Vince McMahon''': Eddie Guerrero has passed away. Eddie was in the prime of his life, 38 years old, the prime of his career. So tonight, we celebrate the life of Eddie Guerrero. Eddie Guerrero loved this business. He loved it, he had a passion for it like no one else. Eddie loved to perform more than anything else, whether he was booed or whether he was cheered, he loved to perform for all of you. Eddie's goal every night, Eddie's goal every night was to steal the show. So tonight there's no doubt in anyone's mind that Eddie would want the show to go on and, so it shall tonight as we pay tribute to the memory of Eddie Guerrero. At this time, I would ask you all to stand in silence as we toll the bell 10 times, after which, there'll be a special video presentation. So if you would all please stand. Thank you.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Shawn Michaels''': My memories of Eddie Guerrero have nothing to do with wrestling, nothing to do with the ring, because I never wrestled the man. It's all about faith. Eddie and I had a lot of wonderful talks about our faith, we were both born-again Christians, and the one thing I do know, we are assured of, that Eddie's last breath here was his first breath in eternity; and Eddie Guerrero and &quot;The Heartbreak Kid&quot; Shawn Michaels will someday get to wrestle in what is the very biggest stage of them all and it isn't WrestleMania, it is in the heavenlies in front of a crowd of one, and that is the lord of lords and the king of kings, Jesus Christ. And I want to thank Eddie Guerrero for always being there to be able to share that common faith with and to let him know that he did something that nobody has ever been able to do in the history of this business, and that is bring everybody in the WWE, from the top man to the bottom guy, bring them all together in prayer in the name of Jesus, and Eddie Guerrero left his last and greatest witness here with us today. And Eddie, I want to say God bless you and I will see you again, my friend.

== 2006 ==

=== May 1 ===
:''[After Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler humiliates Joey Styles on Raw]''
:'''Jerry''': Let me just say this: uh, during the break, I apologized to the fans here; right now, I wanna take this opportunity to apologize to you, Joey Styles, my fault, just trying to have a little fun, it got out of hand! I'm sorry, come back out and let's finish the rest of this show. My bad. Come on, Joey. ''[the crowd cheers]'' Come on, Joey! Come on back out here! ''[as Joey marches back out into the arena]'' Come on.
:''[Joey stands on the ramp and does not return to the desk]''
:'''Joey''': You want to apologize? Like nothing happened. Like you didn't knock me on my ass in front of millions of people worldwide, and I'm gonna come down there and work with you? I'm not coming back, and now, thanks to the magic of live television, I’m gonna show the whole world why for seven years in ECW, I was the unscripted, uncensored, loose cannon of commentary! Six months ago, WWE called ''me''! I didn’t call this company because I was looking for a job. I didn’t need a job. WWE called ''me'', because they had humiliated and fired, ''again,'' Jim Ross. So I get JR’s spot, and from WEEK ONE, week after week, I've got an ongoing lecture about the differences in professional wrestling and sports entertainment. I'm not allowed to say &quot;pro wrestling&quot;, I'm not allowed to say &quot;wrestler&quot;; I have to say &quot;sports entertainment&quot;, and refer to the wrestlers as &quot;superstars&quot;. I'm told to deliberately ignore the moves and the holds during the matches so I can tell stories. Well, ignoring the moves and the holds is damn insulting to the athletes, the ''wrestlers'', not the entertainers, who leave their families 300 days a year to ply their craft in that ring! Here’s the best part. Because I’m not a sports entertainment storyteller, I get pulled from WrestleMania, and the reason I’m given is, is because I don’t sound like Jim Ross, who’s the guy they fired in the first place, that makes sense, right? So I swallow the bitter pill, I’m a company guy. I get bumped from WrestleMania. Then I get bumped...from Backlash? I'm not good enough to call ''Backlash''?! In ECW, I called live pay-per-views on my own, solo, no color commentators dragging me down. Wasn't done before me, hasn't been done since! But I'm not good enough to call Backlash because I’m not a sports entertainment storyteller. Well, you know what? I am sick of sports entertainment. I am sick of male cheerleaders! I am sick of boogers and bathroom humor and semen, and I am sick of our chairman, who likes to talk about his own semen, he mocks God - he mocks ''God''! - and makes out the divas all to feed his own insatiable ego. I am SICK of sports entertainment, and most of all, I'm sick of you fans who actually buy into that crap! This sports entertainment circus! ''[the crowd boos]'' I never needed this job, and I don’t want this job anymore. ''[takes the collar bearing the WWE logo off the microphone and throws it aside]'' I quit! ''[walks out]''
:'''Jerry''' ''[putting his headset back on]'': You know...we brought Joey Styles up from the gutter and it looks like he just got homesick; maybe Joey Styles will feel more at home in a bingo hall, kissing Paul Heyman's ass! Idiot.

=== July 17 ===

:'''Mick Foley''': Hello out there to all my fans right there in San Antonio, Texas! It's me Mick Foley in the WWE Studios and I know what a lot of you are thinking. You're thinking, &quot;Isn't that the shirt Mick wore when he was interviewed by Katie Couric on Halloween a few years ago?&quot; You're darn right it is, but I'm not here to talk about Katie Couric right now, or the beautiful Melina for that matter. I'm here to talk about the Nature Boy - Whooo! - Ric Flair and comments he made about me. You see, Ric was on the show last Monday actually bragging about beating me two straight falls in a two out of three falls match. You see Ric, I have a different take on things, you see I seem to remember you bludgeoned, bloody with your family in tears, which begs the question: Just what world do you inhabit Ric, where all those things can be construed as a positive!? How much worse could it have possibly have gotten!? Are you really under the impression I was trying to win the match? Because if I had been, I would have! The barbed wired bat under the ring was no accident, Ric. From the very get-go, I intended to leave you laying, and that is exactly what I did. And you're out there saying Mick Foley posing a challenge, anywhere, anyplace any match of your choosing. Well let me see... uh... I don't want to wrestle you anywhere, anyplace, in any type of match ever! What part of &quot;no rematch&quot; do you not understand? Let me put it in the words of a famous song: A no, no, no, no, a no, no, no, no, a no, no, no, ''No rematch Ric!'' Yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mick Foley''': Hello everybody, it's Mick Foley again in the WWE Studios and since we're live and since nobody can really stop me, I thought I'd give a shout out to my good friend Melina. Great match on Monday, I was really proud of you. But I'm really not here to talk about a Monday match, I'm here to talk about Ric Flair's hardcore match with the Big Show on ''ECW''. And Ric, I was impressed. I mean you got down, you got dirty, you got hardcore! You broke out the barb wire bat! You used thumbtacks, laying in a pile of them and as it turns out, you did it all in vain, Ric. Because no matter what you do, no matter what you say, no matter how badly you wish I could grow something you could check out first hand, you get no rematch! See, three things happened at Vengeance Ric, I came, I saw, I kicked your old ass! And I have nothing left to prove to you! Now if you really want to me like Mick Foley, don't stop with the barb wire and thumbtacks. Wear a flannel on TV next week, drive a used mini-van, and sit in seat 26C next to the crapper! Or repeat after me as a paraphrase and old Michael Jackson song: He's out of my life, damned indecision and cursed pride. And it cuts like a knife, ''you're out of my life! You washed-up piece of crap!'' Yeah!

=== July 24 ===

:'''Mick Foley''': What has become of Ric Flair? You see I'm in a state of disbelief because I watched ''Raw'' last Monday and found it hard to believe that Ric Flair resorted to calling me &quot;Fat Boy&quot;. Fat Boy, a name so effective he chose to use it twice and I have to admit the name hurt. Yeah, the name &quot;Fat Boy&quot; hurt when my brother used it on me 30 years ago. What has become of Ric Flair? You see it hurts me worse than anything just to see Ric Flair proving to the world, one of the all time great performers in our business, proving to the world that he had the creativity, the originality and the intellect of the average fourth grader. What has become of Ric Flair!? You see I thought I was going on a journey to meet the Great and Powerful Oz! And it turns out instead I see a weak and feeble man operating behind a curtain, digging into a bag of cliches because he's got nothing left to offer! &quot;To be the man, you've got to beat the man!&quot; &quot;I'm a 16-time world champion!&quot; &quot;All night long!&quot; blah blah blah. ''You make me sick Ric!'' What has become of you!? You've reduced yourself to being a second-rate circus side show, falling on thumbtacks on an ECW show, all in vain attempt to lure me back into the ring! It's not gonna work! What part of &quot;no&quot; did you not understand? I won't fight you here, there, or anywhere. What has become of you Ric Flair!? Because now not only are you a second-rate freak show, but you've resorted to attacking innocent, beautiful defenseless women. And even worse, Ric Flair, the woman you chose to attack was a friend of mine! Which means I'll be coming to New Jersey, Ric Flair, but I won't be coming to wrestle, but I will be coming to look you in the ring face to face and air our differences in a very public venue. And I swear to your Ric, you leave the cliches at home and you bring your heart and your mind or I will swat you away and embarrass you in front on national TV, you washed-up piece of crap! I'll see you next Monday on ''Raw''! Yeah!

=== August 21 ===
:''[The McMahons' limo has been stopped by a chain severing its rear axle and Vince and Shane are livid at the driver. Vince looks at the side of the limo...]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[reacts as the camera shows DX spray-painted on the side]'' Uh oh...
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh God...
:'''Vince McMahon''': ''[violently kicks the car and screams]'' Dammit!! ''[holds his right ear as he screams and cries in anguish; Shane tries to comfort him as he breaks down]''
:'''Lawler''': I think it's happened. I think DX has broken Mr. McMahon!

=== October 9 ===
:''[Edge and Lita are in the ring for The Cutting Edge, having just invited Randy Orton on the show]''
:'''Edge''': Randy, thanks for - thanks for coming on the show, and...I'll get straight to the point. See, you've impressed me. You impressed me in 2004 when you became the youngest champion in WWE history. But, but since then, you've done absolutely nothing.
:'''Randy''' ''[standing up from his seat, shocked]'': Excuse me?
:'''Edge''' ''[stammering]'': Don't get me wrong, you've been involved in some huge matches: last year at WrestleMania against the Undertaker. This year at WrestleMania, Rey Mysterio, SummerSlam, Hulk Hogan, but...the thing is, you lost all those matches. You see, for two years straight, you have consistently dropped the ball.
:'''Randy''': You got two seconds to come up with a point...or I'm gonna drop you right now.
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': I knew it.
:'''Edge''': Okay. Okay. Okay, Randy, I have a point: you see, every - every misstep, every bump in the road since you became champion, it-it can be traced back to one single, solitary moment. Do you remember?, because if you don't, I'm gonna remind you right now. ''[pointing at the Titantron]'' Roll the footage. ''[footage shown of Orton in 2004 celebrating his World Heavyweight Championship, only for Triple H and the rest of Evolution to turn on him as Triple H starts attacking him]'' Do you remember that, Randy? Do you remember, you were on top of the world, you had it ALL!...but Triple H's selfishness cost you everything, ''everything''! I know you tried to pull it all back together, but let's face it, the facts are the facts! So you're probably asking yourself why, why would I care? And normally, I wouldn't. But these things have a, a tendency to repeat themselves. Jealousy rears its ugly head again, because, just last week, there was another travesty of justice. So once again, ''[gesturing to the Titantron]'' let's roll the footage. ''[footage from the previous week on Raw when D-Generation X interfered in Edge's steel cage match against John Cena for the WWE Championship, with Shawn Michaels' Sweet Chin Music to Trevor Murdoch, causing Murdoch to inadvertently slam the cage door on Edge's head, being the main turning point]'' Shawn Michaels cost me the WWE Championship! The same man who, who taught Triple H every self-serving, power-hungry move he's ever known! And-and what did DX do when they came out here earlier? They...they made some cute little jokes. Because Randy, they think I'm a joke, they think ''you're'' a joke. And they're gonna continue to do that, until someone takes a stand. You see, Randy, I know you're not a joke, and I'm not a joke. The reason I called you out here tonight...is because I think those people that should take a stand...I think it's you, and me. We should own this show! We should have all the championships! We are the present and future of this industry, not some tired old act from a decade ago! So I tell you what, Randy, it's really simple: you can get mad at the things, the-the ''true'' things I said earlier and, you can fight me right now...or...you can join me. Join me and together we can take a stand against DX. We can beat DX! Take back our championships! Take back our lives, our ''careers''! So the ball's in your court. It's up to you.
:''[the crowd starts an &quot;RKO&quot; chant, much to Edge's chagrin]''
:'''Randy''': DX...as far as you running this show anymore is concerned, I've got two words for ya: it's over! ''[shakes Edge's hand and the two grin at one another]''

== 2007 ==

=== June 25 ===

:'''Vince McMahon''': Good evening. Tonight, this arena here in Corpus Christi, Texas, was to have been filled to capacity with enthusiastic WWE fans. Tonight’s storyline was to have been the alleged demise of my character, Mr. McMahon. However, in reality, WWE Superstar Chris Benoit, his wife Nancy, and their son Daniel, are dead. Their bodies were discovered this afternoon in their new, suburban Atlanta home. The authorities are undergoing an investigation. We here in the WWE can only offer our condolences to the extended family of Chris Benoit, and the only other thing we can do at this moment is, tonight, pay tribute to Chris Benoit. We will offer you some of the most memorable moments in Chris’ professional life, and you will hear, tonight, comments from his peers; those here – his fellow performers – those here who loved Chris and admired him so much. So tonight will be a three-hour tribute to one of the greatest WWE superstars of all time. Tonight will be a tribute to Chris Benoit.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Edge''': ''[Referring to Chris Benoit's death]'' It's really confusing. I don't understand things like this, and I don't know if I ever will.

=== November 5 ===

:'''Triple H''': What the hell ''was'' all that?
:'''Shawn''': I gotta be honest with you. I mean, I feel like I'm getting a little old for this. I don't know who writes this garbage, but this is the worst debacle since that whole Katie Vick years ago.
:'''Triple H''': You got a good point. But the thing is, I don't think ''anybody'' writes this crap—[[w:2007–2008 Writers Guild of America strike|they're on strike]]. ''[The crowd cheers]'' But we're not!

== 2008 ==

===March 31 ===
:'''&quot;Nature Boy&quot; Ric Flair''': WOOOO! Last night, I wrestled my very last match at [[w:WrestleMania XXIV|WrestleMania]]. I will never, ever, wrestle in this ring again. ''[The crowd boos this]'' Please... please... I... I... I'm not sad about not wrestling. You shouldn't be sad about the fact that you're not gonna see me out here. You should rejoice in the fact that I HAVE HAD THE GREATEST WRESTLING CAREER IN THE HISTORY OF PRO WRESTLING! ''[The crowd erupts at this]'' And last night, even though I lost, I lost to a great, great, great wrestler and a better man! ''[The crowd boos at mention of Shawn Michaels]'' It's true... Rejoice in the fact that I have wrestled in front of more fans, raised more hell, had more fun, and loved all of you every day of my life! I swear to God! I've been teared up all day long with the thought of not being able to come out here anymore, but I'm off! I'm off, and I'm in a good place, and I love you! ''[As he speaks, &quot;Thank you, Ric&quot; chants start within the crowd]'' Please... Let me say to you, I wanna thank you for the memories, thank you for the support, and most of all, thank you all for making me who I am today. WOOOO! WOOOO! WOOOO! ''[begins to leave, until he is cut off by the music and arrival of Triple H]''
:'''Triple H''': Ric, if you think these people here in Orlando are the only ones that want to say thank you, if you think that the millions of people watching on TV are the only ones that want to say thank you... well then, my friend, you've got another thing coming. ''[embraces Flair]'' Because I just... I had to come out here and I had to tell you something from the bottom of my heart... I love you, man. ''[shakes Flair's hand]'' And thank you. Thank ''you''. ''[bows down to Flair and then embraces him again]'' Now, that takes care of me, but there are a few other people that wanted to say thank you too, and... there's one group of guys I started talking to earlier today, and it's the craziest thing, 'cause ever since I talked to them, my hand's been cramping up like this... ''[Makes a familiar sign; Flair smiles, knowing what this means. The sound of horses' hooves and whinnying only serve to confirm the obvious, as out come:]'' TULLY BLANCHARD! J.J. DILLON! ARN ANDERSON! BARRY WINDHAM! THE FOUR HORSEMEN!
:'''Jim Ross''': ''[As the aforementioned Horsemen enter the ring and embrace Flair]'' This will be the first time the Horsemen have been together since 1988. All four of them in the ring. ''[No further commentary is uttered.]''
:'''Triple H''': ''[As he introduces each of the next seven individuals, that individual enters the ring to pay his respects to Flair]'' The Animal... and the [[w:Evolution (professional wrestling)|Evolution]], Ric, of Batista... Ricky &quot;The Dragon&quot; Steamboat... The seven-time [[w:NWA World Heavyweight Championship|World Champion]], Harley Race... Greg &quot;The Hammer&quot; Valentine... Another Horseman, Dean Malenko... Y2J, Chris Jericho... John Cena! ''[After Cena has paid his respects, &quot;[[w:Angels &amp; Devils (Fuel album)|Leave The Memories Alone]]&quot; by [[w:Fuel (band)|Fuel]] plays as:]'' Ric, here comes your family. Ric's wife Tiffany, Megan, [[w:David Flair|David]], [[w:Reid Flair|Reid]], and [[w:Charlotte Flair|Ashley]]! ''[By this time, Flair is completely in tears as his wife and children enter the ring and embrace the Nature Boy. After the crowd reacts, they falls silent as Shawn Michaels, still clearly upset over retiring Flair the previous night, enters the ring. The two make up and embrace]'' Ric... First of all, I've gotta say: those are sweet watches. ''[pointing out the gold watches both Flair and Michaels are wearing]'' Those match; those are cool. Anyway... ''[laughs and taps the microphone]'' Is this still on? OK, that is... anyway, we could keep this going on all night because there's just so many people. But I'll tell you what: Anybody left that wants to come out here and say thank you to Ric Flair, come on out! ''[&quot;[[w:...To Be Loved|...To Be Loved]]&quot; by [[w:Papa Roach|Papa Roach]], then the'' Raw ''theme, plays as the locker room empties, line up on the ramp and chant &quot;Thank you, Ric&quot; with the audience]''

=== June 9 ===
:'''Chris Jericho''': Yes, I do have a question, I'm gonna get to that. But first I wanna make a little observation. I mean, like we just heard, obviously our fans, they love you no matter what it is you do. ''[to the cheering fans]'' No matter what, right? Case in point, you feigned a knee injury for almost a month, you blatantly lied about it to me, you lied to Batista...
:'''&quot;The Heartbreak Kid&quot; Shawn Michaels''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Now that might be splitting hairs here, but I was very clear about the fact that I was gonna do whatever it took to win...and I did that. I didn't lie to Batista, I didn't lie to the people. Technically, the only person I lied to was...you.
:'''Jericho''': All right, fair enough, I'll...I'll take that. Touche. Regardless of all that, when you finally admitted the truth and super-kicked me right in the face, you got cheered more than ever. I mean, it's... ''[off the cheers]'' see? I mean, I'm adored by the fans as well, but not even I could get away with that one. And when I pointed out your fabrication of the truth, suddenly I got booed. ''[The crowd boos]'' See? You pull a fast one on 'em and they adore you, and yet whenever I try to do the right thing, whether it be tell the truth or not hit you with a chair, not hit JBL with a chair, I got booed. You know. It seems like our fans, even the ones here, would rather boo an honest man and cheer for you. I mean, it doesn't take much to get them to start chanting, &quot;HBK!&quot; You know, it's...HBK, HBK!
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' HBK!
:'''Jericho''': So that brings us to my question, and my question is this. How does Shawn Michaels, HBK, one of the greatest performers of all time and one of the most highly-decorated superstars in the history of this business, turn into such a lying, cheating, pathetic little worm of a human being?

== 2010 ==

=== January 11 ===

:'''[[w:The Miz|The Miz]]''': ''[outside the WWE Superstars Locker Room]'' When I first came to World Wrestling Entertainment, not a single person respected me. Not anyone out in the WWE universe, and not anyone in the WWE locker room. Everybody wanted to get rid of me. Nobody could stand me! They made my life a living hell. As a matter of fact, in this very locker room I got kicked out for eating a piece of chicken over a referee’s bag and spilling some crumbs.
:''[Walks away]'' For 6 months, 6 months, I was banned from the WWE locker room. I would have to find a place to change, a place to shower, a place to use the restroom. I walked down these halls and see superstars like JBL. And everyday that JBL saw me, he would sarcastically say, &quot;Miz, I look forward to your amazing work! Miz, you are a gift from God, Miz!&quot;
:Everybody berated me. Everybody ridiculed me. Everybody wanted me to quit. But all that negativity, I used as fuel to ignite a wrath against everyone in the WWE to become the star I am today. Now I don't even ''go'' in that locker room because I have a private dressing room just for me. ''That'' locker room is for the Evan Bournes and the MVPs. ''[He is now on the arena floor]'' The same MVP that is the #1 contender for the United States Championship. So congratulations, MVP. You have earned the right to join a long list of people to get publicly humiliated by me.
:MVP doesn't even deserve to be in the same ring as me. ''[He is now in the ring]'' If it was up to me, MVP would still be in jail. I don't believe in second chances, because I have been perfect my entire life. Yet you mistakes all still boo me and cheer him. Well, go ahead, boo me, cheer MVP, I don't care. I'd rather you all hate me for everything I am, than love me for something I'm not! I am the reason you people watch ''Monday Night Raw'', not MVP! I am the most captivating and entertaining superstar on this brand, not MVP!
:MVP comes out here with his glitz and glam, his pyro, his ballin'. He's got Breitling diamond watches, designer suits. That's great MVP, because let's face facts, MVP. You could put diamonds on a dog, but it's still a mutt. All you mistakes will respect me, everybody in that locker room will respect their United States Champion! Because I'm The Miz...and I'm...AWESOME!

=== November 22 ===

:'''The Miz''': I told you. I told you all. I...told...you...all I would be Champion!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''CM Punk''': You thought Randy Orton and Wade Barrett was the story; you thought John Cena being fired was the story; and then The Miz, Mr. Money in the Bank, comes out, cashes in, and he tells the world that ''he'' is the true story. He is the WWE Champion.
:'''Michael Cole''': Ladies and gentlemen, the Era of Awesomeness has begun on Monday Night Raw!

== 2011 ==

=== April 11 ===
:'''Edge''': You may to have to bear with me a little bit. I’m probably gonna ramble and not make much sense, but just please bear with me. A lot of people think that the WWE doesn't hurt. That what we do, maybe it’s done with smoke and mirrors, and I wish that were true. But anybody in that locker room, anybody who has ever stepped foot in here, laced up a pair of boots—they know that’s not the case. 
:Which brings me to what I am about to tell you. Eight years ago, I broke my neck. I had spinal fusion surgery, which means they move your throat over, they put a plate in there, and screws, and it’s really in-depth surgery. But because of that surgery, I knew that I was...I was wrestling on borrowed time from that point on. So fast forward, and...the last, the last little while, I’ve been in a lot of pain. I...I’ve been losing feeling in my arms. So...I passed strength tests and all of those things, and I made it through [[WrestleMania#WrestleMania XVII|WrestleMania]]. But the WWE wanted me to go get more tests. And thankfully I did, because the MRI showed that...that I have to retire. ''[The crowd is visibly shocked]'' I mean, trust me, it’s not my choice. The doctors have told me that I got no choice. And thankfully, they found out because I’m not gonna end up in a wheelchair now.
:''[The crowd starts cheering for him, chanting &quot;Thank you, Edge.&quot;]''
:This is a little bit tougher than I thought it was gonna be. So, you know...thank you, guys.
:I’ll tell ya, this has been an emotional roller coaster of a week for me and I’m not going to lie. I felt sorry for myself. I...until I talked to Christian. And for those of you who don’t know, Christian has been my best friend for 27 years. And you see I was angry, I was angry at myself, I was angry at my body. Because I felt like there’s a lot of people in this company that depend on me, and I felt like I was letting them down. I felt like I was letting you guys down. But then, you know, I was upset too, because I did not feel like I was ending this on my terms. But he reminded me that, that I have competed my whole career on my terms.
:I...you know, I’m still like all of you. I am a huge fan of the WWE. Every month, Christian and I would go down to the Maple Leaf Gardens and we would watch all of our favorites. We would watch The Legion of Doom, we’d watch Demolition, we’d watch...we’d watch Hulk Hogan, we’d watch all of them and just be enthralled. And then I went to WrestleMania VI and I watched Hulk Hogan against The Ultimate Warrior, and I said, “I’m doing this one day.” And you know what? Fast forward a whole bunch of years, and I’m main eventing WrestleMania against The Undertaker. There’s no way I ever would have dreamed of that. There’s no way if you told me when I was eleven years old that I would win more championships than anyone in the history of this company, no way I would've believed you. And if you had told me that my last match would be at WrestleMania in one of the main events defending the World Heavyweight Championship, and that I’d be retiring as the World Heavyweight Champion. Man, I couldn't dream of a better way to go out. I really couldn't.
:You know, I...I started in the WWE when I was 23. I mean, I have been doing this for 19 years, 14 of them with the WWE. My first match was May 10th, 1996 at Hamilton’s Copps Coliseum. And...I was 23 years old, and I feel like I've grown up in front of all of you. I feel like I've made a whole lot of mistakes in front of you. I've learned from them, and I've become a man in front of you. I've gone from being the silent guy running around the streets of New York with a trench coat that was way too small for him, to a pseudo-vampire in The Brood, to one of the funny, goofy guys along with Christian, posing for the benefit of those with flash photography. I became one of the most despised guys in the history of the WWE. As a matter of fact, I got thrown in the Long Island Sound. I had a live sex celebration, thankfully with Lita and not Vickie Guerrero. And I would hope that through it all, I've earned the respect of everyone in that locker room. And I hope that I've earned all of your respect. Because no matter what, no matter what, I came out here and I tried to give you guys as much as I had every single night. And in turn, you guys gave it right back to me.
:So, I’m gonna miss all of this. All of it. I’m gonna miss that reaction when I hear my music and I come out on the ramp. It’s like a shot of adrenaline straight to the heart from you guys, and it’s amazing. I can’t describe it. But, that being said, I don’t have to wear tights tomorrow and I am gonna go eat a whole lot of ice cream tonight. But if you asked me if I would do all of this again. All the way back from getting hired by J.R. If you asked me if I’d travel all the roads, log all the miles, hop on all the flights, all the sleepless nights, all the surgeries, all of the injuries, the metal rods in my teeth, all of it. If you asked me if I’d do it again…in a heartbeat. So, thank you, thank you very much.

=== June 20 ===
:'''[[Phil Brooks|CM Punk]]''': July 17, 2011 will be the most historic day, not only in the career of CM Punk, it's gonna be a historic day for the WWE as a whole. Not only is July 17 the second annual Money in the Bank ladder match pay-per-view, it's the night I defeat John Cena for the WWE Championship. And now, here's that honesty I was talking about, that honesty that's probably gotten me in trouble more times than I like to admit. The brutal honesty I'm known for. July 17 is the day my contract with World Wrestling Entertainment comes to an end. That means when the clock strikes midnight, the 17 becomes the 18, Sunday bleeds into Monday, I'm leaving. And trust me when I tell you. I am leaving with the WWE Championship.

=== June 27 ===
:'''CM Punk''': John Cena, while you lay there hopefully as uncomfortable as you possibly can be, I want you to listen to me. I want you to digest this because before I leave in three weeks with your WWE Championship, I have a lot of things I want to get off my chest. I don't hate you, John. I don't even dislike you. I ''do'' like you; I like you a hell lot more than I like most people in the back. I hate this idea that you're the best...because you're not. I'm the best. I'm the best in the world. There's one thing you're better at than I am, and that's kissing Vince McMahon's ass. You're as good at kissing Vince's ass as Hulk Hogan was. I don't know if you're as good as ''[[w:Dwayne Johnson|Dwayne]]'' though—he's a pretty good ass-kisser, always was and still is. ''[Turns to camera and waves]'' Whoops, I'm breaking the fourth wall.
:I am the best wrestler in the world. I've been the best ever since day one when I walked into this company, and I've been vilified and hated since that day because Paul Heyman saw something in me that nobody else wanted to admit. That's right, I'm a Paul Heyman guy. You know who else was a Paul Heyman guy? Brock Lesnar, and he split just like I'm splitting, but the biggest difference between me and Brock is I'm going to leave with the WWE Championship.
:I've grabbed so many of Vincent K. McMahon's imaginary brass rings that it's finally dawned on me that they're just that—they're completely imaginary. The only thing that's real is me, and the fact that day in and day out, for almost six years, I've proved to everybody in the world that I'm the best on this microphone, in that ring, even at commentary! Nobody can touch me! And yet no matter how many times I prove it, I'm not on your lovely little collector cups, I'm not on the cover of the program, I'm barely promoted, I don't get to be in movies, I'm certainly not on any crappy show on the USA Network, I'm not on the poster of WrestleMania, I'm not on the signature that's produced at the start of the show! I'm not on Conan O'Brien, I'm not on Jimmy Fallon, but the fact of the matter is I should be; and trust me, this isn't sour grapes, but the fact that Dwayne is in the main event of WrestleMania next year and I'm not makes me sick!
:''[Turns to the fans]'' Oh, hey, let me get something straight. Those of you who are cheering me right now, you are just as big a part of me leaving as anything else, because you're the ones that are sipping out of those collector cups right now; you're the ones that buy those programs that my face isn't on the cover of, and then at 5:00 in the morning at the airport, you try and shove it in my face so you can get an autograph and try to sell it on eBay because you're too lazy to go get a real job!
:I'm leaving with the WWE Championship on July 17, and hell, who knows? Maybe I'll go defend it in New Japan Pro Wrestling. Maybe I'll go back to Ring of Honor. ''[Waves to camera]'' Hey, [[w:Colt Cabana|Colt Cabana]], how you doing? The reason I'm leaving is you people because after I'm gone, you're still gonna pour money into this company. I'm just a spoke on the wheel, the wheel's gonna keep turning and I understand that. But Vince McMahon's gonna make money despite himself. He's a millionaire who should be a billionaire. You know why he's not a billionaire? It's 'cause he surrounds himself with glad-handing, nonsensical douchebag yes-men like [[w:John Laurinaitis|John Laurinaitis]] who's gonna tell him everything that he wants to hear. And I'd like to think that maybe this company will be better after Vince McMahon's dead, but the fact is it's gonna get taken over by his idiotic [[w:Stephanie McMahon|daughter]] and his doofus [[w:Triple H|son-in-law]] and the rest of his stupid family! Let me tell you a personal story about Vince McMahon. All right. We're doing this whole bullying campaign...''[The mic cuts off]''

=== July 11 ===
:'''CM Punk''': You wanna have fun? Let's have fun.
:'''Mr. McMahon''': ''[on the contract]'' I've got everything in here you want...
:'''CM Punk''': Because ''my'' lawyers looked over your contract, Vince, and frankly, it just wasn't up to par, so I had them draw up a new one. I have it right here; my signature's already on it, all you've got to do is sign it. I...do think you should know about a couple new perks that I've added to it. You say you don't think contractual things should happen in public? Let's ask the WWE Universe—you people want this to go down in public? ''[The crowd cheers]'' You wanna hear a couple new perks?
:'''Mr. McMahon''': Don't push me.
:'''Audience member''': What?
:'''CM Punk''': He said, &quot;don't push me.&quot; Did you already look at this? Did somebody stooge this off? Because this is actually provision #1—''[pushes McMahon in his seat]'' that I get to push you. Vince, I'll push you all I want..Vince, I'll kick you in the nuts and you'll smile at me and like it, and show me some respect! Because if you don't, I find the nearest paper shredder, I throw this puppy in there, and Sunday, I leave with your WWE Championship.
:Provision #1—for a Superstar such as myself, first class travel is not good enough. I want my own jet. And I don't want your jet—your jet smells, don't try to pawn that thing off on me—I want my own jet.
:[Provision] #2—my face will be on everything. I want my face on the TitanTron, I want my face on these turnbuckles, I want cups, posters, spoons, knives, forks, shoes, socks. I want everything with my face on it; number-one thing I want you to bring back—the WWE Ice Cream Bars. ''[The crowd cheers and chants &quot;WE WANT ICE CREAM!&quot;]'' Look at that, I just made you a million dollars in ice cream sales.
:I want WWE Films to immediately start production on ''CM Punk: The Movie''! You can call it ''The Chaperone 2'', except mine will be funny and entertaining and successful.
:And one last thing—the main event of WrestleMania being John Cena against your buddy Dwayne? That's The Rock, for nobody who watches bad Disney movies. You can still have that little fantasy, but the match that I compete in at WrestleMania will be the main event.
:Those are just a few of many new perks that my lawyers have added to the contract. The last thing that this contract states is that you apologize to me. I know, Vince McMahon doesn't apologize, right? But you will apologize to me for suspending me last week; you will apologize... Hell, you know what? I'm gonna be honest, you're not just apologizing to me, you're apologizing to these people for being one of the biggest hypocrites I've ever seen in my entire life. As far as your anti-bullying campaign goes, you are one of the biggest bullies I've ever met in my entire life, and you will apologize. I have had friends, very talented friends, work for this company and be unceremoniously fired.
:'''Mr. McMahon''': They deserved it!
:'''CM Punk''': They deserved it? They deserved it? Why? Because you don't know what makes a superstar in 2011?! You don't know what these people want?! You wanna punish people for actually liking professional wrestling, guys like Colt Cabana and guys like Luke Gallows?! Huh?! You will apologize to me, for them, because they can't be here right now, and they can't stand up to you, and they can't let their voice be heard! I am CM Punk, and I am the voice of the voiceless, and you will apologize, and you will like it!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''CM Punk''': I'm not gonna have you sit here and belittle me. Say ''I've'' lost sight? ''I've'' lost sight of things, ''John''? The reason I say I'm gonna take that and walk out is because I ''don't'' fit a certain mold. Because ''I'' am the underdog, and that's exactly what ''you've'' lost sight of. Earlier in this ring, you mentioned great wrestlers like Eddie Guerrero and you said that ''they'' used to look at you and think that the kid couldn't hang. And now you stand here and look at me as the kid that can't hang. John, I was hanging off of your gangster car, WrestleMania 22, as it rolled down in Chicago, Illinois, and I stood there in a suit looking as ridiculous as ''[points to Vince McMahon]'' that man looks right now in his suit, holding a phony Tommy gun, and I said to myself someday, I'm not gonna be standing out there watching you in the ring; I was gonna be standing in the ring watching you go down to CM Punk. And now here we are in your hometown of Boston. And now next week, we'll be back there in my hometown—Chicago, Illinois. And this...this is the part where I talk 'em into the building. See, ''you'' are the one that's lost sight, and I apologize for raising my voice because I'm not that guy. But when you stand here and tell me that I've lost sight, when you, the 10-time Champion who stands for hustle, loyalty and respect; who, from Boston, Massachusetts, lives and breathes these red colors, the same colors as your beloved Red Sox, who ''also'' portray themselves as the underdog, I'm sure just like the Bruins portray themselves as the underdog. Just like the Patriots think they're the underdog! Hey, how about those Celtics? Are they the underdogs too? Here's what you've lost sight of, John, and I'm really happy that your father and your wife are sitting in the front row so they can hear it!
:'''John Cena''': That's the last time I'm gonna tell you, ease up.
:'''CM Punk''': What you've lost sight of is what you are, and what you are is what you hate. You're the 10-time WWE Champion! You're the man! Ladies and gentlemen, the Champ is here. You, like the Red Sox, like Boston, are no longer the underdog! You're a dynasty. You are what you hate. You have become the New York Yankees! ''[John immediately punches Punk, who scoots out of the ring, grabs the contract, and goes up the ramp. Points respectively to Vince and John]'' You're Steinbrenner, and you might as well be Jeter! Mr. 3000, ''I'm'' the underdog! ''[John's music plays for fourteen seconds]'' Turn it off! Turn the music off because I have something to say, and I'm positive that everybody here wants to hear it, and everybody sitting at home has their DVRs fired up because ''they wanna hear it!'' I'm glad you just punched me in the face, John. I'm glad it went down this way because it hit me like a bolt of lightning—exactly why I no longer wanna be here, why I wanna leave. It's because I'm tired of this. I'm tired of you. I'm just tired. So ladies and gentlemen of the WWE Universe, Vince, John, Sunday night, say goodbye to the WWE Title, say goodbye to John Cena, and say goodbye to CM Punk! ''[Rips up the contract]'' I'll go be the best in the world somewhere else.

===July 18===
:'''John Cena''': Relax, relax, relax, relax. I'm not gonna go on a profanity-ridden tirade. You don't need a seven-second-delay, Kevin. I'm not gonna show my genitalia. I'm not gonna talk bad about your family or your company. And I know exactly what you're about to do, and I'm okay with it. Because I'm not gonna have to go through the same things that you made Shawn Michaels go through. Shawn Michaels, the best performer ever to step in this ring. But you made him bent over backwards and for all that he accomplished, for all of his achievements, for years, all they said about HBK was that he screwed Bret! No matter how many championships he won, no matter how many times he stopped the show, he carried that burden, and it began to define him, and he had to take it with him his entire career. And you know what? I thought about that a lot last week, Vince, and I put myself in his shoes. If I was in his shoes, would I want to be the guy who screwed Bret? Would I want to be the guy that screwed CM Punk? My answer was no.
:I knew exactly what was at stake. I asked for the match. The WWE Championship, my career. But there was more than that. There was more than just John Cena vs. CM Punk in a classic. It was about you. It was about you wanting to keep your little bubble intact - your little universe in one piece. Nobody can embarrass Vince McMahon. And to do that, you thought you needed somebody to play ball, and I was gonna be your patsy. No way! And I know I'm not supposed to say his name, but, Punk, if you are out there watching: It was one hell of a match last night, son. Thank you so much.
:''[over Vince's protests]'' Hey, hey, hey, listen. You put me in a position to make a decision. You wanted the match thrown out. I don't do business like that. You're a businessman, you got your way of doin' business. I do my business a certain way, I am not gonna play along with that crap because you would have made the WWE Championship meaningless. So here's the skinny. I had a great career here. And he says he can make another one of me. Fine, Vince, go ahead. Make one, make ten. I don't care. I've even given you some time. You have eight months—-give or take a few days—-to find another opponent for Dwayne &quot;The Rock&quot; Johnson at WrestleMania XXVIII. I'm not an idiot, Vince. You'll do some hocus-pocus and you'll find somebody for Dwayne, and WrestleMania will go off without a hitch as if I was never even here. I get it. Meanwhile I get to walk outta here with my pride and my dignity.
:So before we get into the formalities and the big Vince-McMahon-walk and the whole speech, which I'm gonna let you do. Go ahead. It's what they know you for. I just need to tell you something. And I want this to sink in. I love the WWE and I truly believe I belong here. And, man, I hate saying this. But if you're about to tell me that I'm not welcome here, if you're about to tell me that I have no other option, I love this. This is what I do. And if you make me walk tonight, then I will walk on someone else's television show and keep doing this, ''brother!'' That is no threat, that is a promise. And here's the skinny. There's a lot people out there that say I do a lot of things. But I prove tonight that one thing I will not do is kiss your ass!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Triple H appears as Vince seeks to fire John Cena]''
:'''Triple H''': Vince. Sorry I got here as quickly as I could. There was a board of directors' meeting this morning. Vince, last night we flew from Chicago here. When I got there, I received a phone-call. I got back on the jet and I flew to the office, where there was a board of directors' meeting this morning. Vince, the board asked me to come here to talk to you. They are concerned about the current situation. Can we just go and talk about this in the back, please? I tried to get out here, Vince, before you came to the ring, but I didn't make it. More specifically, the board is concerned about you. Don't get me wrong. They completely understand you have built the global empire. All of this, every single bit of it is because of you and your vision. That's a given. But at the same point in time, Vince, the board is concerned about your extremely questionable - their term, their words - extremely questionable decisions as of late. Vince, the board has asked me to come here to tell you, that they have filed an injunction against you with the vote of no-confidence. And Vince, the family agrees.

:On top of that, Vince, the board has appointed someone to take over the day-to-day operations of the WWE. And — I can't — I can't even believe I'm gonna say this, but Vince, it's me. ''[audience chants for Cena]'' Vince, you're not gonna fire John Cena. You're not gonna be doing anything else. Vince, you taught me from day one - from day one - that nobody is bigger than this business. Nobody. And this is just business. I can't even believe I'm gonna say this and Vince this is with all due respect: I am here to inform you — that, Vince, you are relieved of your duties. ''[&quot;Hey, Goodbye' chants, Vince is evidently sad]'' Please — understand. I did not wanna do this. I'm tryin' to do what's right for the business. Look at me — Look at me! I love you, pa! And I'm sorry. ''[leaves Vince]''

== 2012 ==

=== February 27 ===
:'''Chris Jericho''': Listen, I know you've got a big match, Champion vs. Champion, but what I have to say is a little bit more important. Before I say it, let me preface it by saying one thing. I think you're an amazing performer, Punk. I think you're very, very good. As a matter of fact, you're one of my favorites, but you're not as good as I am. You're not as good as me. You're not the best in the world at everything you do, and you know it.
:You see, I never had to call myself the best in the world; other people said it for me. These people said it for me. And I never had to write it on the back of a t-shirt; they would write it on signs and bring it to the arena. And the reason for that is this—I am part of a special breed of performers. I am one of a literal dying breed of performers that toured the world, honing our craft, learning our skills, becoming stars before we ever got to the WWE. A breed that cared more about having the best match on the show than personal politics, didn't care what the hierarchy thought of us, what position we were slotted in, what we were supposed to be. A breed of performers that were given nothing and took everything. And yeah, I developed a chip on my shoulder because of it; and yeah, I got a bad attitude and a bad reputation in the back with the powers that be because of it; but I didn't give a damn because I knew I was good. I knew I was the best.
:And now, Punk, you're just like me. You're a maverick, a rebel that went against the grain and became something more than anybody thought that you would. But in translation, that's because you just want to be me. You're a Chris Jericho wannabe, just like all these Chris Jericho wannabes, and it's so obviously...''[to the booing crowd]'' oh yeah, you know it's true. It's so obviously blatant by the fact that you plagiarize me every step of the way...
:'''CM Punk''': Stop. Stop. Just stop.
:'''Chris Jericho''': Don't you tell me to stop, boy. I'm talking to you.
:'''CM Punk''': And I'm listening, but I think everybody else is sick of listening, so I'm gonna go ahead. Look, Chris, I know how good you are, these people know how good you are. My problem I have with you is you coming out here and insinuating that I've stolen ''anything'' from you. No, I've never plagiarized anything in my life. Everything I have, ''[holding up WWE Championship]'' I've fought for and I've earned. It's right here.
:You think you invented saying that you were the best? Are you kidding me? There's a guy I remember watching when I was a kid—you probably watched him when you were a kid, too—his name's Bret &quot;Hitman&quot; Hart, the best there is, ''[crowd says it with him]'' the best there was, and the best there ever will be. Did you invent that? Did you give that to him when you were, what, two years old? Huh? He's Canadian too. Did you invent him being Canadian? Did you invent Canada?
:'''Chris Jericho''': Oh, yeah, laugh along. Laugh it up with Punk. Laugh along with Punk. Very nice. Because it's oh so typical, Punk. So smarmy, sarcastic, never taking anything too seriously, right? Well you need to take me seriously, Punk, 'cause this is a whole different level. A whole different level from anything that you've ever had before. Because like I said, this isn't some kind of gimmick. I am the best in the world at everything I do, and I prove it every night as I have for the last 22 years. Staying on the highest level of any performer in the history of this business. ''[to the crowd]'' You can boo if you want, but you know it's the damn truth.
:I have faced every legend, every Hall-of-Fame, future Hall-of-Fame performer in this ring and beaten them all. I've won dozens of championships, I've had dozens of classic matches, classic WrestleMania steal-the-show matches, dozens of moments that will be legendary long after either one of us are gone. ''[Crowd chants &quot;CM Punk!&quot;]'' You can chant it all you want, but I am not just telling you, I am proving to you with all the evidence that standing right in front of you is the literal, undeserved, undoubtful best in the world at everything I do!
:'''CM Punk''': You know, you keep ''saying'' that, and your words just scream superiority. But I watch you and the way you walk out here and the inflection in your voice and certainly your body language—it screams ''inferiority''. Who you trying to prove? You're trying to prove to ''me'' that you're the best, or are you trying to prove to these people that you're the best, or are you trying to prove to ''yourself'' that you're the best? I say I'm the best in the world, and yeah, that's a little cocky, but confidence is nothing that I've ever lacked, and it's nothing I thought you lacked. But now that confidence, Chris, seems to be replaced with jealousy.
:You look at me and you see a guy that emerged from the same shadows you did. He came from the same places you did, he overcame the same obstacles you did. But now he's ''surpassed'' everything that you did, didn't he? Because sure, you beat legends. You beat the Stone Cold and you beat Rock in the same night ten years ago, and that made you the WWE Champion. But you were never really the ''man'', like how I'm the ''man'', were you? And that just bothers you a little bit, doesn't it? You have a Napoleon clompl—complex because of it, so you come back and you try to point fingers and place the blame. The blame's only on you.
:See, ''you'' say that you're the best in the world at what you do, and I say that I'm the best ''wrestler'' in the world. The distinction, to me, is very simple. This is nothing I chose, I was born this way. This is who I am, this is what I do, while you choose to leave and write books and have a radio show and be on game shows, and you choose to be a rock star. And all the while, I'm here ON TOP, swimming with sharks while you're [[w:Dancing with the Stars (U.S. season 12)|dancing with stars]]!
:'''Chris Jericho''': When I was dancing with stars, Punk, and killing it on the Tonight Show and becoming a bigger star than you ever were, all I could of was one thing, and that was you ripping me off. Every single night, you ripping me off, Punk. And let me be completely clear and honest with you. All of those January 2nd vignettes and the &quot;best in the world&quot; verbiage and this light-up, flashy, fancy jacket—it's all window dressing. Because I came back to the WWE for one reason and one reason only, and that was to embarrass you on the biggest stage in the world, to take back what is mine, to beat you for that World Title at WrestleMania, and shove down your throat that I am the best in the world at what I do! I prove it, I claim it, I AM IT EVERY SINGLE NIGHT!
:'''CM Punk''': Well, that's all you had to say. When you came back, you didn't have to jump me to get my attention. All you had to do was grab me and say, &quot;hey, Punk! Me and you, best in the world vs. best in the world at WrestleMania!&quot;
:See, this is the time of year everybody points at that sign, but I'm gonna point at my Championship title, because to me, I don't need Chris Brown and you don't need Mickey Rourke, and we don't need all the pyro in the world or inflatable letters to tell everybody how ''awesome'' we are, and I don't need a fancy entrance, and screw your stupid Lite-Brite jacket! The only thing ''we'' need is me and you in a ring, and on April 1st, we're gonna find out exactly who the best in the world is. Because to me, those are the only ingredients we need in the recipe to have what quite possibly could be the greatest wrestling match in WrestleMania history. But see, I have something you covet, and I say come and get it. And at the end of the night, when you're looking over your shoulder on the ramp and you see this, ''[Puts down the mic and yells to the crowd]'' &quot;Best in the world!!!&quot; ''[Picks the mic back up and resumes talking to Jericho]'' It's not gonna be the end of ''the'' world, it's just gonna be the end of ''yours''.

=== March 12 ===

:'''Chris Jericho''': Yeah, congratulations. Way to go, Punk, way to go. Congratulations on your big win. You need to enjoy them while you can. You see, you can smirk if you want to, but I see straight through you. When I look at you, I see a fraud. And I'm not talking about the fact that you call yourself the best in the world, I'm talking about you as a person. Because I did a little research this week, Punk, and I found something, a little deep, dirty, dark secret about you. You've been straight edge ever since you came to the WWE, but you've never explained the reasons why. I wanna tell all of these wannabes why you're straight edge. I wanna tell them that you're straight edge because your father is an alcoholic.
:Yeah, that's right. Your father was an alcoholic who let you down every step of the way when you were growing up, and it terrifies you. You don't want to end up like him. But it's inevitable that you will, because alcohol is in your blood, it's in your genes, it's part of who you are, and that tortures you. I know you've built this facade, this wall that you're a sarcastic antihero with not a care in the world, but I think I've found something that you care about. I've found something that gives you nightmares, something that terrifies you.
:And isn't it ironic that the very alcohol that you crave is the same thing that ruined your childhood? Oh, the nightmares you must have about your father; I almost feel bad for you, Punk. Is that the reason why you have all those tattoos? Was the pain of wanting to drink so bad that you needed the pain of a tattoo needle to take it out of your mind? Was that your only solace?
:It doesn't matter if it is, Punk, because you are going to drink eventually, and I'm the one who is going to make you drink. At WrestleMania XXVIII, I'm going to take away your title, I'm gonna take away your claims of being the best in the world, I'm gonna take away your bravado, and I'm gonna leave you a broken man. You're gonna hit bottom, Punk, and when you do, you're going to embrace your destiny, and you're gonna take a drink. And it's gonna taste so good that you're gonna wanna take another one, and another one, and another one. After April 1st, I'm gonna be recognized for who I am—the undisputed best in the world and the new WWE Champion. And you're gonna be recognized for who you are, who your father was—a pathetic damn drunk!

=== May 21 ===

:'''John Cena''': I, I, I... I've had a lot of these matches. I've won some. I've lost some. But win, lose, or draw, every single Monday, I come out here and say, &quot;You know what? It was great. Congratulations to my opponent. Let's move on.&quot;
:'''Michael Cole''': Can't do that, can he?
:'''John Cena''': What the hell happened? What the hell? What the hell? John Laurinaitis beat me. John Laurinaitis... he... he beat me. You know, you know, here's the thing, it's not how, it's not how it happened. It's why the hell would something like that happen in the first place! ''[frustrated grunt]'' Okay. You know, ever since he's been here, and all of you can attest to this, John Laurinaitis has been a selfish, power-hungry bully. And last night, John Laurinaitis got a taste of his own medicine. You guys saw some of the photos. If you were there and you watched it, we were having a blast! It was great! It was everything that it was supposed to be! That was what People Power was about! He was getting his tail whipped! I was having fun! You were having fun! And we all knew that he was gonna be gone! And then, he ran away and Big Show brought him back. Big Show: the guy that John Laurinaitis humiliated in this ring. The guy that John Laurinaitis fired in this ring. He brought him back, and then it was fun again. Big Show threw him in the ring and he had that giant hand around Laurinaitis' scrawny neck and you could watch him back. He looked in his eyes. I was right over here. I gave him a nod. I said, &quot;Show, I got this one.&quot; He looked in my eyes and he said, &quot;Yeah, you do.&quot; And he gave me John Laurinaitus to make sure I finish the job and... and John Laurinaitis would be terminated! And then, Big Show, a man that I used to call a friend, knocked me out cold. He knocked me out cold and your winner was John Laurinaitis.
:'''Jerry ''': I have never seen John Cena shook up his ears right now.
:'''John Cena''': Hindsight being 20/20, there are some &quot;experts&quot; out there that are saying, &quot;Well, why did you toy with him?&quot; &quot;Why'd you spray him with a fire extinguisher?&quot; Or, &quot;Why did you pour water all over him?&quot; &quot;You should have just beat him.&quot; Hey, geniuses, if you already paid off the Big Show, if John Laurinaitis was in any jeopardy of losing that match, the giant was gonna beat me anyway. I am glad that I did every single thing that I did to John Laurinaitis because he damn sure deserved that and ten times more! What I'm not glad about is The Big Show, the world's largest athlete deciding to sell out. I don't even know what he is thinking about. There is no possible explanation to explain exactly what he did! What the hell was he thinking? John Laurinaitis was gonna be gone! He is the world's largest athlete. I don't care who the next general manager was. Vickie Guerrero. Teddy Long. ''[pointing to audience]'' This guy over here in the third row. Hell, bring the computer back. And... ''[making noise]'' the first random e-mail would be, &quot;May I have your attention please? I have just received an e-mail that says we're hiring The Big Show back.&quot; But instead, he Benedict Arnold me, knocked me out and we are... we are stuck! Show, this was not about John Cena losing, this match was about John Laurinaitis winning! We are stuck! We are stuck with this People Power garbage! Which means, now, probably you're gonna see some graphic or something and he's gonna come out here and ''[mimicking John Laurinaitis]'' tell you guys how brave he is. And how badly he's hurt. And what a... what a great new plan that he's got for the next pay-per-view in the name of People Power. This is crap!
:''[John Laurinaitis' music plays, but Eve Torres comes out}''
:'''John Cena''': Wow, John Laurinaitis, you got really hot, but you still suck.
:'''Eve Torres''': Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the Executive Vice President of Talent Relations, the permanent general manager of both Raw and Smackdown, and the man who beat John Cena last night, Mr. John Laurinaitis.
:''[John Laurinaitis' music plays again while Michael Cole applauds and John Laurinaitis comes to the stage in a scooter]''
:'''Michael Cole''': It's wonderful.
:'''Jerry''': Oh, my god.
:''[John Laurinaitis slowly get off scooter and uses a crutch]''
:'''John Laurinaitis''': John, after our match last night, I was rushed to the emergency room. The doctors said I have a possible broken clavicle, a possible damage to my ACL and PCL in my knee, and possible spinal injury, not to mention all the contusions all over my body. John, I cannot lift my left arm or move my left leg which indicates potential nerve damage. But that's okay because as I proved last night, when I'm in that ring, I'm a fierce competitor. But let me remind you, when I'm outside that ring, I'm a WWE executive. I wanna make sure you and everyone knows that you or anyone else cannot lay a finger on me again. If you do, you will be immediately terminated. But enough about me. I'd like to introduce to you the man who this past Saturday I rehired and actually gave a great bonus to. A man that in four weeks, John, you will face at the Izod Center in East Rutherford, New Jersey in a pay-per-view called &quot;No Way Out.&quot; That's right, John. The man who knocked you out, The Big Show.
:''[Big Show's music plays and Big Show comes to the stage]'':
:'''Jerry''': I don't know how this guy can even show his face out here. The Big Show, what...?
:'''Big Show''': Well, John, I'm sure you and everyone else would like an explanation for my actions. Quite frankly, none are you are entitled to my explanation. However, however I will say last week on this show, I was on my knees to this man doing something I have never done before, begging for my job. No one loves this business more than I do. Our fans, our superstars, our production and technical crew. I was so upset I actually found myself crying. All of you watched a grown man, a giant crying on worldwide television? ''[hears &quot;You're a sellout&quot; chants]'' I'm a sellout. Again, I get no sympathy from any of you. No sympathy! None! 18 years of my life, nothing! I did what I had to do! I did what each and every one of you what I've done! I have an ironclad contract now and I'm proud of it! How dare you, Cena? How dare you? How dare any of you, any of you judge me?! How dare you?! How dare you? Cena, I will be judging you... look at me! I will be judging you June 17th. There will be no way out because you, my friend, I'm gonna knock out.

=== May 28 ===
:'''Big Show''': ''[mock smiling]'' You see this? This is me doing my job. This... this is me smiling. Smiling. It was easy making you people smile. Tell you the truth, I didn't mind doing it. But make no mistake about it, it was a calculated business decision. I made a living at it. I was a business man. I just also happen to be a giant. See, but all that's over now. Oh, that's so nice. What. That's so good. That's why I love you all so much. See, the reason I don't have to do that anymore and put on that smile is because I have an ironclad contract. ''[hears &quot;Cena&quot; chants]'' I have an ironclad contract with a big fat bonus, which means I'm set for life. Which means I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, to whoever I want, and I don't have to be concerned about putting smiles on you people's faces. I'm 7-foot tall, 441 pounds. I am not an entertainer. I am a giant. Let's face it, people, there's no one in my league. There's no helmet, shoulder-pad, four month out-of-the-year NFL player. There's no toothpick, noodle arm NBA player. There's no phony UFC so-called fighter. And there is certainly, there is certainly not anyone in the WWE that is in my league. And maybe that's why. Maybe that's why not one single WWE superstar came to my defense... came to my defense when, at the most humiliating moment of my life, when I was on my knees begging for my job. Just minutes after I was begging, this happened. ''[clip shows from May 14]'' My tears were not even dry in the ring and Brodus Clay is out there dancing. DANCING! Two guys that I thought were my friends, Kofi and Truth, they're just out there yucking it up, having a good ol' time and... and you people, all of you waving, clapping, having a great time. It's fun, wasn't it? It was easy for you people just to... just to move on. ''[hears &quot;Cena&quot; chants again]'' You people... you people are so shallow. You're so phony. But after all that, there's one man, there's one guy that disappointed me even more than all of you and that man's name is John Cena. When I saw John Cena in the ring, I thought he was gonna confront John Laurinaitis. I thought he was gonna fight for me. I thought he was gonna fight for his friend. I thought... I thought Cena was gonna threaten in an entire WWE locker room mutiny unless John Laurinaitis hired me right there, right back on the spot. Instead, your hero, John Cena, did this. ''[clip shows from May 14]'' Cena made jokes. I guess that's all I am. I guess that's all I am to all of you people as well, just one big joke. Well, Cena hurt me when he decided he didn't care. And last week, I hurt him. I knocked John Cena out twice within 24 hours. Now, what I'm gonna do to John Cena at No Way Out, it won't be pretty. John Cena is not gonna be standing across the ring from a businessman, John Cena is gonna be standing across the ring from an unstoppable giant. You think John Cena suffered his greatest loss in his career when he lost at Wrestlemania to The Rock? You think John Cena suffered the worst beating of his life when he faced Brock Lesnar? You think John Cena suffered the most embarrassing moment of his career when he lost to John Lauriaitis at Over the Limit? At No Way Out, John Cena is gonna experience all three of those things in one night, and that... that ''[mock smiling]'' puts a smile on my face.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Cody Rhodes''': Like I said, I respect what Christian has done, but again, he sits on the fence between classic and contemporary, in my opinion.
:'''Jerry''': What does that mean? What does that mean, &quot;sits on the fence&quot;?
:'''Cody''': Well, I'm trying to be nice, Jerry. It means he's old, old like you.

=== July 30 ===

:'''CM Punk''': &quot;WrestleMania moments&quot; are what most everybody in the locker room always talks about, everybody wants their WrestleMania moment. But last week, I had myself a ''Raw'' moment; it was a ''Raw'' moment that was bigger than most people's WrestleMania moments. But before I get into why I did exactly what I did to the Rock, I wanna shed some light on something. I want to bring to your attention the way ''Raw 1,000'' went off the air, I was uncomfortable with. I...it left a bad taste in my mouth. The way the 1,000th episode of ''Raw'' went off the air was with Jerry Lawler saying, and I quote, &quot;CM Punk has turned his back on the WWE Universe.&quot;
:''[He turns and looks right at Jerry. He leaves the ring and sits on the announcers' table looking right at him.]''
:'''Michael Cole''': Cat got your tongue, King? You did say that.
:'''CM Punk''': I don't get it, Jerry. I mean, I'm used to really bad, overly dramatic hyperbole on commentary, but...that was horrible, even for you. How do you jump to such a conclusion? I mean, if anything, it was you who turned your back on me because the last time I checked, the Rock was not the WWE Universe. The Rock is one single, solitary man. He's a larger-than-life, extremely charismatic...delusional movie star who came in and showed me, ''[holds up the WWE Championship]'' the WWE Champion, an incredible lack of respect.
:First off, he interrupted me, which is something nobody should ever do. He interrupted me, and when he went into his little tired shtick with Daniel Bryan, he acted as if I wasn't even in the ring. I was almost invisible to him. And then when he does what I can only imagine in his brain is lowering himself to talk to me, he tells me that he's been gifted with a championship match at the Royal Rumble, and he acts as if he's just going to take my championship from me? The respect he didn't show me, I showed him right then and there because he's lucky I didn't drop him on the spot. He...he's fortunate that I didn't hurt him right then and there. And then at the end of the night, ''Dwayne'' does what Dwayne does best, and he tries to make the show all about him. He tries to make ''Raw's'' 1,000th episode all about him. And that's exactly when I showed him the kind of man he's dealing with, come Royal Rumble. 'Cause this is not a popularity contest, this is not ballet, this is the WWE and ''I'' am its Champion. You understand me, Jerry?
:And what's the Rock's response been? We haven't heard from him in a week, which is funny to a guy like me because when he was battling with John Cena, you couldn't shut him up. But now...now the Rock has found his silence, and I know what that means. So when it comes to you and your little agenda, however you wanna spin, however you wanna spin it, you can say what I did or didn't do to John Cena, the 1,000th episode of ''Monday Night Raw'' ended the exact way every episode of ''Monday Night Raw'' should end—with the focus and the attention and the spotlight on the WWE Champion, ''[holds up the title again]'' the best wrestler in the world.

=== September 3 ===

:'''The Miz''': You know, he can make all the excuses in the world, but let's face it—Heath Slater needs to start turning his career around. Now Zack Ryder, on the other hand, look at him. This guy does everything, he goes above and beyond. Social media guru—this guy is on YouTube with his ''Z! True Long Island Story'', he's on Facebook, he's on Twitter, he's interactive with his WWE Universe, and that's why they love him so much.
:'''Michael Cole''': Yeah, well, what about Heath Slater? Come on, he's the &quot;One Man Band!&quot;
:'''The Miz''': I got a song he can cover. How about [[Beck|Beck's]] &quot;[[w:Loser (Beck song)|Loser]]&quot;?

=== September 10 ===

:'''Bret Hart''': Let me ask you this, John Cena: what are you gonna do to finally shut this phony little punk up?
:'''CM Punk''': &quot;Phony&quot;? &quot;Phony&quot;? I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the people. Did you call me a phony?
:'''Bret''': A phony little punk.
:'''John Cena''': Hitman, let me handle this one. Yes, he called you a phony. Does that irritate you? Does that make you wanna come down here and maybe do something about it? If that's the case, I'm calling you a phony too. Two things happen at this point—you either stay up there, or you come down here. And there's forty feet of distance and three ropes between you and the worst decision of your life.
:'''CM Punk''': Well, if that isn't [[the pot calling the kettle black|the pot calling the kettle black]], I don't know what is. It's quite ironic, the biggest phony in World Wrestling Entertainment history decides to point his finger and cast judgment on its champion. Well, John-Boy, I don't need your judgment, and I don't need your permission. I do what I want, I do what I decide, and right now I've decided to come out here and defend my good name in the face of such rampant, ridiculous disrespect. It almost breaks my heart to see the two of you standing in the ring together. It makes me realize, wow, the Hitman and John Cena are so much alike; and trust me, that's not a compliment. You two can sit here, pat each other on the back, and have a little powwow and talk about how great the both of you were at being the top guy, and completely neglect to mention the fact that you were both unceremoniously surpassed by somebody far superior than yourselves. John, in your instance, I, of course, am speaking of me; and Hitman, in your case, obviously, I'm talking about Shawn Michaels. And by the way, you can't draw a line of comparison between CM Punk and Shawn Michaels. Not the old Shawn, not the new Shawn, because I am better than Shawn Michaels. Oh, hey, hey, Bret, Hitman, you remember that...that hillbilly you made pass out to your little Sharpshooter at [[w:WrestleMania 13|WrestleMania 13]]? Stone Cold Steve Austin? ''[like to a child]'' I'm better than him too.
:And I'm better than The Rock, and we all said, we all knew, and we all saw what I did to him in one night, when he showed me one iota of disrespect. Hell, John-Boy, I did in one night what you couldn't do in an entire calendar year. I am the best ''wrestler'', I am the best ''talker'', I am the best ''technician'', I am the best ''brawler''. And I don't say these things from a place of insecurity, and I apologize for your lack of self-confidence, but I say it because I am it! And that makes me anything but a phony.
:'''John Cena''': He's right. He's right. Because that last statement actually makes you a liar, a hypocrite, and a conceited scumbag. Congratulations! You can also add that to your resume.
:You know, listening to these people tonight, I realize that Montreal is a very honest city. For years, WWE has referred to this building as Bizarro World. Quite frankly, you folks are just honest. You tell us how you feel, whether it's something we wanna hear or not. Tonight, I'm gonna take a lesson from Montreal and actually hit you in the face with a dose of truth, whether you want to hear it or not.
:For 300 days, you have been WWE Champion; for 300 days, that championship has been irrelevant. Month after month, you watch main event by main event pass you by. And your excuse, that there's some sort of weird political conspiracy against you. But the fact is there is no you. You see, you have been here for many, many, many years, and the night you made the most noise was, ironically, the night your microphone was turned silent. Ah, I remember those days. Talk about change. Passionate, convicting talk of change. And then one triumphant night in Chicago, when you were the victor and the universe finally said, &quot;we get change!&quot; And they were lied to. They were fooled into a false claim, because change was not ice cream bars, change was not edgy television, change wasn't even new talent. All you meant by &quot;we want change&quot; is &quot;make CM Punk a star.&quot; You don't even know who CM Punk is.
:I remember in those rants that you once said that I'd become what I despise, in reference to success. No, I went from an underdog to an odds-on favorite, but I did it as me. Through all of this, through all of this, the wins, the losses, the championships, the year when I didn't win the big one at WrestleMania, the embarrassment, the humility, I've had to stand on my own two feet and do it...as me.
:Then there's you. You have changed your ideology numerous times, you've stabbed your friends in the back, you borrow colors from Hall-of-Famers, you steal the elbow of the late Randy Savage. All because you have yet to find you. I'm not saying you're not tough—I've been in the ring with you. And I'm not saying you're not accomplished. But your latest phase of development revolves around this. ''[Pointing to the WWE Championship]'' You think because you have this, you are justified respect. No, the reason you have that and have kept it is by any means necessary, and that does not define a champion in my eyes. So at Night of Champions, you're going to have to search for a new identity. You've been really, really loud these past weeks because you finally realize, at Night of Champions, you are in serious jeopardy of losing this.
:I didn't want to do this, but the city of Montreal has kind of owed me a favor, so I'm gonna pay one back to you. I'm a little rusty. ''Me je parle un petit Francais (I speak a little French). CM Punk﻿ parle qu'il va victoir avec la nuit de champion, mais je vais lui botter le cul.'' Which means...
:'''CM Punk''': Which means you have lowered yourself! You have lowered yourself to their level. To speak their language? To speak the languages of the locals? You have lowered yourself!
:'''John Cena''': ENOUGH! Enough. Listen up, Jack, I don't lower myself to them because they are the reason we are here! You are an ignorant son-of-a-bitch, and you need a little bit of respect! So, in English, what I said was, &quot;you ''say'' you're gonna win at Night of Champions, but I'm just gonna kick your ass!&quot;

=== November 26 ===

:'''Michael Cole''': Dean, Seth, Roman, been my pleasure to known you guys for a while now and worked with you down in the developmental territory in NXT. And it seems a bit odd though to be conducting this interview tonight under these circumstances. It was eight nights ago at Survivor Series, many people say that you came...
:'''Dean Ambrose''': Many people? Who are these people? Michael, if you got a question to ask us, just ask.
:'''Michael Cole''': Okay. Are you three working directly for WWE Champion CM Punk?
:'''Dean Ambrose''': Nope.
:'''Michael Cole''': Okay. So if you're not working for Punk, then why are you guys here?
:'''Seth Rollins''': Now that's the question, Michael. That's the question you should be asking. You see, we sat down in NXT and we saw things clearly. Crystal clear, actually. You see, everybody around here has to answer to the likes of the Vickie Guerreros and the Booker Ts. And Vickie and Booker, they have to answer to the Board of the Directors. And Board of Directors ultimately has to answer to the WWE Universe. The almighty WWE Universe. What is that, Michael? What is that? It's a popularity contest. And that's not right. That's wrong, Michael. We saw things heading in the wrong direction. We stepped in and righted those wrongs. Michael, we are a shield from injustice in WWE.
:'''Michael Cole''': I mean, come on, guys. There is no denying that everything you've done so far has benefited CM Punk.
:'''Seth Rollins''': Michael, it's coincidence. Happenstance. You ever heard of it?
:'''Dean Ambrose''': It's not about benefiting Punk. It's about right and wrong. CM Punk, the WWE Champion, was forced to defend his title in a Triple Threat Match against two guys he already had defeated. That's wrong. So we stepped in. If had been Ryback or Cena, we would have done the same thing. If Ryback was champion for 365 days and Punk tried to ruin his party, we would have intervened on Ryback's behalf. 365 days as champion in this era? That's a huge milestone. That should be celebrated, right?
:'''Michael Cole''': Roman, I would love to get your take on all this.
:'''Roman Reigns''': When I want to say something, I'll say it.
:'''Dean Ambrose''': Look, Cole, we see what you're getting at, okay? We hear everything you guys are saying. We read everything that's being written. Okay? We know what you guys are thinking. But we're not renegades, we're not mercenaries, we're not the Nexus, and if you're looking for the nWo, go buy the DVD. We are about principles. We're about honor. Where honor no longer exists, we're gonna step in. It's like he said: We're a shield from injustice.
:'''Seth Rollins''': Yeah.
:'''Dean Ambrose''': We're a shield from injustice. ''[The three look at each other and like the sound of it]'' We are [[w:The Shield (professional wrestling)|The Shield]].
:'''Michael Cole''': Okay, so...
:'''Roman Reigns''': Hey, I got something to say. We've said enough. This interview is over, man.

== 2013 ==

=== January 7 ===

:'''CM Punk''': The time has come to tell you all something very personal. You see, I keep my ear to the ground, and I hear everything everybody says, and for the past year and a half, the words &quot;pipe bomb&quot; have been completely misunderstood and misused. It doesn't seem anybody in the Universe understands what it means, anybody in this company doesn't understand what a pipe bomb is. Basically, what a pipe bomb is, in its truest form, is the truth. It's honesty. You boil it down, and the essence of a pipe bomb is exactly what all of you lack—honesty. Seems the perception of me is someone who was a little disgruntled, sat down on the stage in Las Vegas, and aired his grievances and said &quot;pipe bomb.&quot; I became the Voice of the Voiceless, and then maybe my ego was like a runaway train and I suddenly bitched and moaned and complained about respect and how I didn't get enough of it. And then I turned my back on the people.
:Well, that's a lie. Don't be mistaken. I meant everything I said when I said it, except the part about ice cream, 'cause I look out here and the last thing any of you people need is more bars of ice cream. But I was shortchanged and I was disrespected. And sure, I could have just swallowed that bitter pill and accepted my position in the company like everybody else in the back, or I could have left. Instead I made a conscious decision and I sold out. To you. To you, I sold out; to me, I cashed in. See, I created this persona, this rebel, this antihero that you all love to cheer for because I knew that you all love to cheer for your superheroes. Because here is the truth about Las Vegas, here is the truth about the WWE, is that it doesn't matter that if you're the best wrestler, it doesn't matter if you're the best talker, it doesn't matter if you're the best overall performer, it doesn't matter if you make the two clowns sitting to my left on commentary look like amateur hour. There is a glass ceiling and nobody is allowed to break it.
:That's the simple story of this place. The more popular you are, the more money you make. The more ''you'' people cheer for any given superstar, the more opportunities you're afforded. Why do you think a guy like John Cena, who has admittedly had the worst year of his career, gets title shot after title shot after title shot after title shot? Or why a lethal grappler, why a serious submission specialist like Daniel Bryan puts a smile on his face and saddles himself, belittles himself with catchphrases. Or why a 400 pound monster, Brodus Clay, soils his hands by touching your filthy, ugly, little children to get in the ring so he can shuck and jive for you. Or why an invisible child, Little Jimmy, is better positioned on the flagship show Monday Night RAW than a workhorse like Tyson Kidd.
:Look at them, they're doing it now. You're doing it now! You're falling for everything I say, you're playing into my hands, but this is the way it is and this is the way you want it because this is the way you handle it. It's easy, it's saccharine, it's simple to digest because you people can't handle anything complicated, you people can't stomach anything interesting. This is the way it's been since the beginning of the time. We're all here in the circus to entertain you. And nobody's ever been able to attain a modicum of success without ''you.''
:Except for now. Until I showed up. I've become the most successful WWE Champion of all time. Not of the modern era. No, that's another little buzzword that somebody backstage wants you to say. They probably wanna put it on a t-shirt. But that's the way you get noticed. You don't get noticed until you start to move a couple of t-shirts around here. If I... if I competed in Bruno Sammartino's era, I'd have been champion for 20 years, too. No, I'd have been champion for 30 years. Because wrestling one night a month at Madison Square Garden is easy. You never see a Hulk Hogan wrestle TLC matches against a superstar like Ryback. Because he had it easy. I wrestle physically demanding matches on free television, week in and week out. So much that my one year equals 30 of theirs. And I have attained this success, not... not because of you. I am successful not because of you. I am successful ''in spite'' of you.
:Now, I'm the most honest man in this building, I'm the most honest man in this company 'cause everybody else has got the same, old, tired crybaby story. They'll come out here and they'll say &quot;I do it for the people, I do it for all of you. Let's hear it for Tampa, Florida!&quot; Here's some honesty. I watched Roddy Piper smash a coconut over Jimmy Snuka's head and I sure as hell didn't say &quot;Golly Gee! I can't wait to go electrify the people of Tampa Bay, Florida.&quot; No! Because I don't care about the people of Tampa Bay, Florida.
:There's good guys and there's bad guys in this world, and make no mistake about it, ladies and gentlemen, I am a bad, bad man and I can freely admit it. But Ric Flair will come out here and he'll cry his 182-year eyes out and say &quot;Oh, I did it for all of you.&quot; Now they're wooing. Shawn Michaels can come out here and lose his smile and find his smile, but then in a... in a tearful Hall of Fame speech, he'll say that his entire career was just to gain your acceptance. Then a man like Edge is forced to retire and he'll say that he misses competing for people like you. Now, these people, these men are either weak, or they're dishonest and they're liars. It's either one or the other. But I— I'm neither weak nor dishonest. I'm the best in the world.
:Two types of people on this earth. Those born to be in the spotlight, and those born to pay to see the people in the spotlight. Ladies and gentlemen, there's winner and losers. Guess which one you are. You're born to pay to see champions like me, it's not the other way round. And I'll be the first guy to come out here and admit it, I'm honest. I have never ever done this for any of you. There's superstars and there's nobodies. I am a superstar, you are all nobodies. And I'm a real superstar. Those real superstars, hell, if they're your friends, why don't they come out here and give you the millions and millions of dollars they earn? Why don't they line your pockets? 'Cause that's... that's not your position on earth.
:Uh, I'm being told that we have to take a commercial break. I'm not done, let me explain something to you. Let me explain something to everybody in the truck. We don't go to break when you wanna go to break. We go to break when the Champ wants to go to break! Listen up and understand something 'cause the Rock's gonna come out here and he's gonna talk a whole lot. Well, I will now tell you the most important thing you're gonna hear tonight. ''[Pointing to random people in the audience]'' You do not matter, you do not matter, you do not matter. None of you matter. What you want doesn't matter. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
[after commercial break]
:'''CM Punk''': So I stand here on the first Raw of 2013 your WWE Champion, and I promise you in one years time, I will stand in this ring on the first Raw of 2014 still your WWE Champion. What fuels me is your constant disappointment in your self-appointed superheroes to be able to drag this title away from me, and now The Rock has come back, but it's not gonna change the fact, that I am the WWE Champion. And I'm not gonna let The Rock tear down everything that I fought so hard to attain, no no no no no no no..... not at all, no, in 2011, when I defeated Alberto Del Rio for this title at Madison Square Garden, I didn't just beat Alberto Del Rio, I beat the system. And every time after that, when I beat one of your superheroes, and I don't care if it was John Cena, Ryback, Chris Jericho, Kane, Big Show, Dolph Ziggler, any of the litany of Superstars that I defeated, I wasn't just beating them, I was beating all of you. And for 414 days, that's exactly what I've done. In your face, jerks. I have beaten you. I have stomped you out under my oppressive boot and I'm gonna do the same thing to The Rock because I don't care if he's back, you all do not get to win. You are losers. You do not get to win. You do not...(The Rock theme song comes on)

:'''The Rock''': The Rock had to hear it all. The Rock wanted to wait until you said everything you had to say, so the Rock knew exactly the kind of man he's dealing with at the Royal Rumble. And now it's become crystal clear to the Rock. You are straight up delusional. You keep mentioning that number 414. 414 days you've been WWE champion. That's incredible, incredible. The real number, it ain't 414, Jack. The real number that haunts your dreams is 20. 20 excuses running around your mind right now. 20 hairs standing up on your straight edge scrotum. Because you know, you know in 20 days you're gonna be defending that WWE Championship against the Rock which means in 20 days you know, the Rock knows, they know, in 20 days, time's up.
:You wanted change, you wanted a revolution. You say that when you became WWE Champion, you rejected the people. No, no, no, no. The people rejected you. You talked about change, you couldn't do it. You talked about revolution, you couldn't do it. You came out and you promised everybody ice cream bars. Ice cream bars for everybody! And you couldn't even do that. You couldn't provide ice cream if the Dairy Queen, Carvel, and Cookie Puss drove an ice cream truck straight up your ass.
:I want you to listen to something. Listen to something, Punk, listen. That's— voices. Voices. You claim, you claim to be the voice of the voiceless, but that's a bunch of hot garbage because here in the WWE Universe, there ain't no such thing as the voiceless. They have...they have voices. And they love to use their voice. They use it every single night. Every night they use their voices. As a matter of fact, as a matter of fact, they know something special is getting ready to happen right now. They're gonna use their voice, they're gonna chant the loudest chant you have ever heard. They're gonna chant, they're gonna chant something that is gonna follow you for the rest of your life. They're gonna chant, They're not gonna chant &quot;respect,&quot; they're not gonna chant &quot;best in the world,&quot; they're gonna chant exactly what you are. In three seconds they're gonna chant, &quot;Cookie Puss, Cookie Puss.&quot;
:'''Crowd''': ''[chant]'' Cookie Puss! Cookie Puss!
:'''CM Punk''': Be the puppets that you are. He got you chanting about ice cream the same way I did a year and a half ago. Congratulations. They still don't get to win. You don't get to win.
:'''The Rock''': They don't get to win? They don't get to win? Oh, they've already won! They've already won. See, that's something you fail to realize. They've already won. They won the moment the Rock woke up this morning at 4:00 AM. The Rock woke up this morning at 4:00 AM. He sent out his early morning tweet to the world. Then the Rock ate his famous pancakes. Then the Rock went to the gym, clanging and banging and clanging and banging. Then the Rock got in his pickup truck and he drove up right up I-75, right through Alligator Alley! Right through Alligator Alley, so the Rock can stand right here, right here in the middle of this ring in front of you, in front of them, in front of the world and proudly say: Finally the Rock has come back to Tampa!
:You see, Punk, it's not just that the Rock is back. No, it's ''why'' the Rock is back. Here's why the Rock is back. For three reasons. The Rock is back to entertain them. The Rock is back to stop you. And after ten long years, ten long years, the Rock is back to win ''[points to WWE Championship]'' that.
:The Rock has watched the show. Every Monday Night RAW watching you, watching you, your deceiving, your backpedaling, your lying. The Rock would watch the TV and he'd scream at the TV &quot;Good God Almighty, somebody tell this man they respect him, just so he shut his punk ass up. And while you're at it, somebody show this man a doctor.&quot; Is there a doctor in the house? Because a man who claims that he's straight edge, he's running around here looking exactly like Popeye on crack. Look at you. Punkeye the crackhead. All you need right now is a little thing in your mouth, a little, ''toot-toot!''
:CM Punk. CM Punk, you have one of the most creative and innovative minds in the history of the WWE. The Rock knows it. You fail to use it. You became WWE Champion and you also became the biggest jerk the world has ever seen. The Rock can look you in the eye and tell you this with all passion and with all heart. When the Rock is here, don't you ever say the people don't matter. They matter. They've always mattered. You're the one that doesn't matter.
:'''CM Punk''': Oh, I matter. I'm the most successful...
:'''The Rock''': IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU MATTER! The only thing that matters is that you understand, you get it straight in your head that at Royal Rumble, there ain't no way, and the Rock means NO WAY, you're gonna stop the Rock from becoming WWE Champion.
:'''CM Punk''': Unlike a lot of people I'm glad you're back. I don't care what your schedule is. I don't care if you work here 16 days a year or 365 days a year. You could be Santa Claus and have his schedule, one day a year. I'd still kick your ass. I don't care how many movies you film every year. I know how hard that schedule probably is, but every time you come back, whenever you decide to grace us with your presence, I'm gonna kick your ass. Because this isn't candy land. I'm like nobody you've ever faced before. You can make fun of the color of my t-shirt and you can talk about pie and you can sing songs and you can rhyme, and you can do your tired, lame-ass schtick. I just want you to know that come Royal Rumble, and you have about three weeks to realize this, I'm gonna kick your ass 'cause I'm the best in the world. I'm the best thing going today. I'm the best guy you've ever stepped foot in the ring with. And you need to understand, congratulations, Rock, you just graduated from the kiddie table, but you just bit off more than you can chew. You're playing little league with your little insults and your rhymes and your &quot;millions and millions&quot; and your &quot;finallys&quot;. And I'm in the big leagues and I'm swinging for the fence. You need to understand that your little jabs and your insults, it's all kiddie games. You can't leave a mark on the Champ's face. Come Royal Rumble, understand, when you step in the ring, your arms are just too short to box with God.
:'''The Rock''': You may think that the Rock is boxing with God. But the Rock knows for a fact you are going one-on-one with the Great One. Don't you think... don't you think for one single, solitary second that the Rock doesn't know how bad you are, how dangerous you are, how tough you are. The Rock knows that. 414 days. The Rock knows the last time we were in the middle of this ring you hit the Rock with a GTS and you knocked him out cold. Cold as a block of ice. The Rock didn't forget it. You hurt the Rock. You embarrassed the Rock. He said it before, he'll say it again. In 20 days, time's up.
:But here's the thing. This is what the Rock wants you to do— from now until then. The Rock wants you to go home and think about the next 20 days. As a matter of fact, the Rock wants you to go home and look in the mirror. As a matter of fact, the Rock wants you to go home, look in the mirror and strip naked. That's what the Rock wants you to do. Go ahead and look at yourself. Don't concentrate on your Cookie Puss. Turn around and look at your backside. Turn around, look at your backside and let's try and find a small space on this body that's not covered in ugly tattoos because the Rock wants you to get two more tattoos. Some more tattoos. Here's the thing. Go ahead, on your left butt cheek the Rock wants you to get a tattoo of a big, fat M&amp;M. And then add a Snickers, a Milky Way, a Mounds. You can't have an Almond Joy because unlike you, Almond Joys actually have nuts. And then... and then on your right butt cheek, this is what the Rock wants you to do. The Rock wants you to get a tattoo of the Rock's size 15 shoe, so you will have a lifetime reminder of how badly the Rock is gonna kick your candy ass at Royal Rumble.

=== January 14 ===
:''[The Rock has an Eric Clapton song for Vickie Guerrero]''
:'''The Rock''': Late in the evening, she's wondering what clothes to wear.
:She puts on her makeup. She brushes her short, black hair
:And then she'll ask me, &quot;Do I look alright?&quot;
:And I said, &quot;No biatch! You look [[w:Wonderful Tonight|horrible tonight]].&quot;
 
:You abuse all your powers. Waste everybody's time.
:You dress like a hooker... not the expensive kind.
:So get your ass to the airport, take a one-way flight,
:Because biatch, you look horrible tonight.
:I said biatch, you look horrible tonight.
:'''Vickie Guerrero''': Are you kidding me?!?! How dare you do that to me?! How dare you?!?
:'''The Rock''': Hold on Vickie, don't go anywhere, cause we wanna sing you out. We'll sing goodbye properly ''[audience joins in]'' &quot;We said biatch, you look horrible tonight.&quot; ''[Vickie slowly walks out]'' Houston, Texas, that is one horrible-looking beeyatch.

=== April 8 ===

:'''Josh Mathews''': How does it feel to be the new World Heavyweight Champion?
:'''Dolph Ziggler''': You know, Josh, I have been too damn good for too damn long. Now I knew, I ''knew'' I just needed the right time and the right place, and I found it tonight. Now I know it's the day after, but this...''this'' is my WrestleMania moment! I'm the showoff, 'cause I'm gonna take my new championship, shine it up, and show it off. It's about damn time.


:'''Fans''': DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA!! - Fans singing Fandango's theme
:THANK YOU BIG SHOW - The fans when Big Show attacked Randy Orton and Sheamus
:WE WANT ZIGGLER - Fans during the Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter vs Alberto Del Rio match


=== July 8 ===

:'''Bray Wyatt''': I have no followers, I have only brothers and sisters, all in the name of cause. People are sheep, you understand me? They can't lead themselves, they need to be lead. People buy and sell fear. They worship war, they crave war. But I'm not afraid of their wars. I created war! And I think it's time for the masses to wake up, wake up, WAKE UP! Wake up and look at this lie they're living in man! The world is deteriorating between their toes, and they do nothing about it. They only stand there, they whisper and wonder but never do anything about it! But I've seen it all in my dreams and in my thoughts, and above everything else, I understand. This is not the beginning, it's the end. We're here.

=== July 15 ===

:'''Paul''': You know what I'm looking at right now? I'm looking at an empty ring because in ''my'' world, you don't exist. Try this one on for size—am I lying? In 2005, WWE had no vision for you. CM Punk was a figment of Paul Heyman's imagination. And what did I do? I took you in, I befriended you, I taught you, I trained you, I ''martyred my entire career'' for you. And then we reached the holy grail together. ''We'' were the reigning, defending WWE Champion for 434 days. ''We'' were the longest-reigning WWE Champion of the past 25 years. ''We'' came within an ''inch'' of breaking the Undertaker's streak at [[WrestleMania##WrestleMania 29|WrestleMania]]. ''We'', CM Punk, ''we'' were the best in the world. And here's part of the equation you seem to forget about—without me, there is no we. Without Paul Heyman, CM Punk, you're not the best in the world.
:''[To audience]'' See, you can boo that all you want, 'cause everybody's been stopping me and asking me the same question: &quot;Paul Heyman, what happened here? Why, Paul Heyman? Why did you betray CM Punk? Paul Heyman, you are a Judas!&quot;
:Here's the truth, because I'll tell you why I have such an aversion to the truth. Because the truth is a lot harder pill to swallow, Mr. Straight Edge, than a spin on things. The truth is, you failed ''us'' when you couldn't defeat the Undertaker at WrestleMania. And when you went home, you found yourself. And CM Punk comes back to WWE...and you think you're better than me. CM Punk—better than Paul Heyman.
:So I lied to you. I manipulated you. I played you because you can never claim that CM Punk dumped Paul Heyman. No, history is going to write that Paul Heyman dumped CM Punk! You didn't want a business relationship with me, you wanted to keep it personal. So I made it as personal as I could possibly make it. Come on, you know this to be true. Here's the truth—you have no family. You're estranged from your own mother and father, you have no wife, you have no children. All you have ''[indicating the crowd]'' is them. All you have is the WWE Universe. All you have is their admiration! All you have is their respect! All you have is their affirmation! Listen to them!
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' CM PUNK!
:'''Paul''': And all you want, all you crave, all you need in your life is the WWE Championship. You took my best friend away from me, and I took your chance at the WWE Title away from you and each and every one of them! You're gonna find out, as bad a reputation as I have in business, I'm a whole lot worse personally. And here's the kicker to it all, ''best friend, brother, business son'', man who wouldn't be my client. You made me swear on my children, but it was my children who made me see this so clear. &quot;Daddy, why doesn't Punk listen to you like Brock listens to you? Daddy, isn't Brock going to hurt Punk? Daddy, can Punk beat Brock Lesnar?&quot;
:And if you wanna know why I double-crossed you, why I betrayed you, why I cost you your opportunity to cash in Money in the Bank and go for the WWE Title, here's the harshest truth of them all—I betrayed you because, CM Punk, you can't beat Brock Lesnar!
:'''CM Punk''': Are you done? You wanna talk about the truth? I saw first-hand [[w:Money in the Bank (2013)|last night]] that the truth does hurt. And maybe I should have seen it coming, but damn it, Paul, I trusted you. And all I have to show for it now is these thirteen staples in my head. But another truth is that you know me better than anybody, and you know when I'm lying, and you know when I'm telling the truth, and you know when I want something bad enough, I am the most relentless man on the planet. And I will not stop until I get it! And the truth is, Paul, I'm gonna get you.
:This time, ''I'' swear on ''your'' children that I am gonna get you. And I will get everybody that conspired against me, every single one of your associates, everybody who profited from it, everybody who had knowledge of it, anybody who enjoyed it. Your friends, your clients, your family, anybody in between the time I get my hands on you and now that steps in between you and I and opens their eyes at me, I will get my hands on and I will rip apart and I will hurt!
:You want the truth? The truth is, you don't have a future, because I'm gonna burn down everything around you until you're the last man standing, and I'm gonna keep you alive just long enough to look you in the eye and hurt you worst of all! So tell me, you son-of-a-bitch! Am I lying?!
:'''Paul''': No. No, you're not lying, and since you want to tip your hand and tell me I have a lack of a future, let me spell your immediate future out for you. ''[Kneels down and mocks CM Punk's opening ritual]'' IT'S CLOBBERING TIME!!!

=== July 29 ===

:'''Bray''': ''[to Kane]'' I heard you like to call yourself &quot;the Devil's Favorite Demon.&quot; But you, sir, are ''NO DEMON!'' And the Devil? No, man...shh, shh, shh. Kane, I'd like to let you in on a little secret now. You ought to be careful who you say those things in front of, because you never know ''[whispering] who might be listening.'' FOLLOW THE BUZZARDS!!!

=== August 26 ===

:'''AJ Lee''': OMG, you guys, I just watched last night's episode of ''Total Divas'', and it was insane. Oh, my gosh. The Bellas were dealing with their obvious daddy issues, the Funkadactyls broke up and got back together again, Natalya's fiance isn't much of a man...and the other two were also there. It was great, it really was, and...it was the end of the world, and it's only Sunday nights on the E! Network!
:Do you want to know what I see when I look in that ring? Honestly? A bunch of cheap, interchangeable, expendable, useless women. Women who have turned to reality television 'cause they just weren't gifted enough to be actresses. And they just weren't talented enough to be Champion. I have saved your Divas division, I have shattered glass ceilings, I have broken down doors. Why? So...so a bunch of ungrateful, stiff, plastic mannequins can waltz on through without even as much as a &quot;thank you&quot;?
:You guys can't even go backstage and shake my hand and look me in the eye because you know that I worked my entire life to get here. I gave my life to this, and you were just handed fifteen minutes of fame! I didn't get here because I was cute or because I came from some famous wrestling family or because I ''sucked''...up to the right people. I got here because I am good. I earned this championship. And no matter how many red carpets you guys wanna walk down in your $4,000 ridiculous heels, you will never be able to lace up my Chuck Taylors. You're all worthless excuses for women, and you will never be able to touch me, and ''that'' is reality.

=== September 9 ===

:'''Michael Cole''': What is your problem with the cast of ''Total Divas''?
:'''AJ Lee''': My problem with the cast of ''Total Divas'' is that they're the cast of a reality show. They are not here for this title.
:'''Michael Cole''': ''[back to the match]'' The Rear View by Naomi. If she connects with that on Sunday...
:'''AJ Lee''': This is what is reality, this championship. And you know what? All week long, these girls have been Tweeting about me, talking about me, yelling to .com, crying and screaming. You know why? They're complaining and IMing their every single thought because they know I'm right and I'm getting to them.
:'''JBL''': Is that how fights start nowadays, you Tweet each other?
:'''AJ Lee''': For them, apparently; I said what I had to say to their face.
:'''Jerry''': So you have no desire to go on that reality show and really mix it up with those girls?
:'''JBL''': It's certainly a big hit.
:'''AJ Lee''': I have the date I won this title [https://twitter.com/WWEAJLee/status/374621087474384896/photo/1 tattooed on the back of my neck]. This is all I care about.
:'''Jerry''': So...any other tattoos?
:'''AJ Lee''': I think I'm a little too old for you, Jerry—I'm 26, I know you like 'em younger.

=== October 21 ===

:'''Paul Heyman''': Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! It's an execution live on WWE pay-per-view, as &quot;The Best in the World&quot; CM Punk straps me into the electric chair, puts the poison into my veins, lines me up in front of the firing squad and pulls the trigger himself! For the first time ever — and for the first time ever again — it will never, ever happen...as a non-participant actually gets locked inside of a cell with a man who does not spend his night fantasizing about the ''Divas''. CM Punk spends his night fantasizing and obsessing about the massacre he wants to inflict upon Paul Heyman. CM Punk wants to take me down, take me out, DRIVE ME AWAY from WWE forever!
:But just like when a volcano is trapped inside of a dormant mountain, when that volcano finally erupts, ''[now screaming] and the lava — the molten lava — drips down the side of the mountain... I'm just like that lava! I'm red-hot! I'm out of control! And all of the villagers, with the lava pouring down into their houses, destroying their cars, suffocating and melting their flesh, and the villagers are going, &quot;Run for your lives! Run for your lives! Run for your lives!&quot; They're the ones that love and worship CM Punk! And I'm the one''...that has a different strategy.
:Because I'm not all filled with emotion like CM Punk, Renee. I'm cold-hearted. And I'm calculated. And I'm in control...the same way I have controlled CM Punk all of these years. The same way I control my monster, Ryback. And CM Punk cannot get past my monster, Ryback, which means CM Punk can't get his hands on me. Which is why Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, I'm not locked in a cell with CM Punk, CM Punk is locked in a cell with me.

=== December 9 ===

:''[The WWE Championship and World Heavyweight Championship hanging in the ring, with twenty former World Champions standing]''
:'''Randy Orton''': Better than anyone, I know what you are capable of; but I also know what you're ''not'' capable of. Remember years ago, when you were making a name for yourself, you claimed you had ruthless aggression. Well, if you had it then, you don't have it anymore because ''if'' you did, you would've put me in the hospital last Monday night on ''Raw''. But you didn't. You couldn't do it, you didn't have the stomach, and you're gonna regret that decision for the rest of your life after this Sunday.
:Now last week, John, you said that I had all the God-given natural ability in the world, but that I had gotten lazy. I did not get lazy. Sometimes, when you're that much better than all of your peers, you lack motivation, you get complacent. But John, John, fear not. I have all the motivation I need to beat your ass that Sunday at TLC ''[pointing at the titles] hanging right here!''
:You say that you don't care about being the face of the WWE, but that's...that's a lie. I know you, John. Image is everything to you. But you're gonna be the man that lost the most important match in the history of the WWE. Meanwhile...
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' YES!
:'''Randy''': ''Meanwhile,'' I am the greatest Superstar of this generation or any other! Just look around you! Look at these men in this ring! Look at Mick Foley back there! Hey, Mick! I took years off of his career. I took years, literally years off of his life! Where's HBK? ''[Shawn waves from behind Triple H]'' Showstopper Shawn Michaels, Mr. WrestleMania, I've embarrassed him on multiple occasions. And there wouldn't have even had to have been a [[w:Montreal Screwjob|screwjob in Montreal]] if I was competing 16 years ago—where are you, Bret—because I would've left you laying unconscious in the middle of that ring.
:John Cena, I need you to understand something. This Sunday at TLC, everything that you have worked so hard for, everything that you have fought so hard for, will come crashing down all around you.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''John Cena''': It's funny. I couldn't help but notice you said the word, &quot;work.&quot; A little example, for one second. ''[Brings Daniel Bryan front and center, to the cheers and &quot;YES!&quot; chants of the Seattle crowd]'' Tell these people your name, please.
:'''Daniel''': My name is Daniel Bryan.
:'''John''': We'll get to know you a little bit more. Daniel, where are you from?
:'''Daniel''': I'm from Aberdeen, Washington.
:'''JBL''': Wherever that is.
:'''John''': Was either your father or your mother ever a Superstar, Hall of Fame, WWE Superstar at all? Father or mother, either one.
:'''Daniel''': No, my dad's a log scaler actually.
:'''JBL''': What?
:'''John''': So since you've been here, you've have to...''work'' for everything you've got.
:'''Daniel''': Yes.
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' YES!
:'''John''': ''[back to Randy]'' You hear that? The reason they cheer for him is because he works and he earns it! A guy like you has been given ''every single thing'' in the WWE!
:I'm about to hit you in the face with some truth. Ever since you came to the WWE Training Center, you were untouchable. You were bulletproof. You couldn't be fired. Nobody could touch Randy Orton because ''they'' liked you. And then you get to the WWE, and what happens? You get sheltered by the best performer in the business. Nothing's changed, Randy. All do you is hide behind Triple H; all you do is hide behind Stephanie McMahon; and you got the balls to stand in this ring and say you're better that everybody here?! Say you're bigger than all of this?!
:You have ''always'' blamed everybody else for your failures, you've pointed fingers, and you've made excuses. You've had behavior problems in the ring, you've had behavior problems ''outside'' the ring. And the sad thing is, the TLC match this Sunday is the biggest in WWE history. That's why everybody is here tonight. This changes the very course of the WWE. But you want these championships because you're ''selfish!'' Because you feel you deserve it! And maybe, just maybe, if you hold onto this, you can finally walk around with the rest of the Superstars and say, &quot;Hey, guys, look. I'm finally what I was supposed to be ten years ago.&quot;
:Every single time I have held either of these championships, my business card reads the same: &quot;You want some? Come get some!&quot;
:And here's the real truth. Whether these guys in the ring like me or not, they respect me because they know it. Whether it's Triple H or Shawn Michaels in a WrestleMania match, whether it's Booker T. Hell, nobody wanted to give Dolph Ziggler a chance, and what did I do? I said, &quot;Let's fight.&quot; Everybody said it was a bad idea to give CM Punk a championship match when he was gonna leave the WWE; all I saw was the best in the world. Hell, the ''only'' legitimate championship shot Daniel Bryan's ever had was against me, and he won! ''[Turns to Daniel]'' So I'll say it here in front of your hometown. If I win on Sunday, ''[shakes his hand]'' I look forward to the rematch. A ''fair'' rematch.
:You see, that's what being a champion is all about—a certain level of respect. And last week, I wasn't gonna take you out. I just wanted to make a statement that when the chips are down, I can be just as brutal as you. So right now, I'm gonna make one more statement because I know exactly what this means. ''[Sticks out his hand]'' This Sunday will be physical and it will be brutal, and I will be at my very best. I just hope you are too, because after this Sunday, the last thing anyone is gonna wanna deal with is just another Randy Orton excuse. Good luck on Sunday, you're gonna need it.

=== December 30 ===

:'''Bray Wyatt''': ''[to a beaten-down Daniel Bryan]'' This is where our story ends. I have no mercy left to give! It could've been different, it could've been better, it could've been ''perfect!'' No, this is your fault. I'm gonna punish you. I want you to open your eyes. ''[Pulls Daniel by the hair]'' Open your eyes and look at your dismay! Open your eyes, Bryan! This is the end.
:'''Daniel''': You're right.
:'''Bray Wyatt''': Say it again. Say that again.
:'''Daniel''': You're right.
:'''Bray Wyatt''': Say it again! Say it again! Get up and say it again! Say it!
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' NO!
:'''Bray Wyatt''': ''[indicating the mic]'' You want this? ''[Bray hands it to Daniel]'' Say it!
:'''Daniel''': You're right. You were always right. No matter how many matches I won, no matter how loud these people cheered for me, you were always right. The machine...the machine would never let me win. No matter how loud you people chanted. You chanted &quot;YES!&quot; in every building I've ever been to, and they don't care. I'm yours. Let me join the Family.
:''[Daniel crawls to Bray. Bray picks up Daniel, kisses him on the forehead, and hits him with Sister Abigail.]''
:'''Bray Wyatt''': Remember, Bryan, this is forever. This is going to change everything!

== 2014 ==

=== March 3 ===

:'''Paul Heyman''': ''[on the Chicago crowd chanting &quot;CM PUNK!&quot;]'' I believe he deserves louder than that!
:'''Fans''': ''[chanting]'' CM PUNK!
:''[Paul sits in the middle of the ring]''
:'''Paul''': I came here tonight to tell the story of a Paul Heyman guy. A Paul Heyman guy that was never truly wanted in WWE; a Paul Heyman guy that they thought was too small to main-event WrestleMania; a Paul Heyman guy that didn't have the right corporate look; a Paul Heyman guy that had too many tattoos; a Paul Heyman guy that would rebel against the current system, against the authority, against the first family to such a degree that they didn't want him in WWE from day one, and they don't want him in WWE right now. I came here tonight to tell you the story of a Paul Heyman guy that had the balls to say what nobody else had the balls to say. I came here tonight to tell you about a Paul Heyman guy that was born in, raised in and still lives in Chicago. My name is Paul Heyman, and, ladies and gentlemen, this is my pipe bomb about CM Punk...who is not here this evening.
:And here's the biggest part of my pipe bomb. ''[crowd chants louder]'' Hey, if you're looking for me to disagree with you, I'm sorry, I don't. No one is more disappointed that he can't see CM Punk perform in this ring tonight than I am. No one. Because if CM Punk were here tonight, he would be doing exactly what he always claimed to do, he would be proving his detractors wrong and he would be showing the entire WWE Universe that he is the best in the world.
:So what really happened? Why isn't CM Punk here tonight? Why won't anyone talk about CM Punk any more? Because there is a finger to point around here, there is someone to blame, there is someone to hold accountable why CM Punk just wouldn't just wouldn't put up with it anymore. And ladies and gentlemen, there comes a time where you have to risk your own job security and point that finger of blame; and tonight, in this very ring, I point the blame for the fact that CM Punk is not here tonight, I point that finger at each and every single one of you!
:Oh, you can boo me all you want. The truth hurts, doesn't it? This is why I've always found it so much easier in life to lie. People accept lies so much easier, but the truth does sting just a little bit, doesn't it? The fact is, when CM Punk was with me, CM Punk was the longest-reigning WWE Champion of the past twenty-five years. I provided CM Punk the bosom from which his soul could be nourished. And then, then, ''you'' took him away from me. You made CM Punk ''your'' hero, you said you would give CM Punk ''your'' love, ''your'' affection, ''your'' respect, ''your'' affirmation. And how far did it get you? You didn't just take CM Punk away from me, you took CM Punk away from yourselves.
:I don't just blame each and every single one of you, I blame someone else as well: I blame the Undertaker. Because this entire downward spiral began when we couldn't beat the Streak at last year's WrestleMania. And if anyone wants to carry a message to the Undertaker, carry this: Paul Heyman wants revenge. So how do you get revenge against the Undertaker? How do you kill what's already dead? The fact is, I want to see the Streak taken away from the Undertaker. And there's only one man on the face of the planet that can do it. I want that Streak beaten, I want the Undertaker stripped of the streak, I want the streak conquered. And there's only one man that can conquer that Streak, ''[Paul stands up]'' and he's my best friend in the world. He is the conqueror, he is the beast incarnate, Brock Lesnar!

=== March 10 ===

:'''Bray Wyatt''': ''[to Hulk Hogan and John Cena]'' I have always been fascinated with pride. It is my favorite sin. It has the power to blind even the strongest men, even those who claim to be immortal. Hey kids, take your vitamins and say your prayers! All praise be to the virtue of hustle, loyalty, and respect, as if they can do you any good.
:You are both liars, and your foolish pride allows you to prey upon the weak and fill them up with this hope. But hope is dead, as will be your legacy, John. I can see it in your eyes. You don't get it. And how could you possibly get something that you can't comprehend?! But I'll lay it out for you, John, right now. If you look up at me, you will see a friend; if you look down at me, you will see an enemy; but if you look at me square in the eyes, you will see a god.
:'''John Cena''': Do you even listen to all that weird crap you're saying? You just said pride was the fall of man, and then you follow up by saying when I look at you, I should see a god. I look at you and I don't see a god. I see a homeless dude that spent too many years ''[singing] wastin' away again in Margaritaville, lookin' for his lost shaker of salt.''
:Oh, no, no, no, you didn't find any salt. You found two goons, a tiki torch, and a rocking chair from Cracker Barrel. And now you think you can waltz out here in a Hawaiian shirt and a fedora and be somebody? Well, I say prove it.

===April 7===
:'''Paul''': Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and it is the greatest privilege of my career to serve as the advocate for the Beast Incarnate, ''Brock Lesnar!'' The conqueror of the Undertaker's Streak, a streak that lasted nearly a quarter of a century. A quarter of a century that ended in three seconds at the hands of the conqueror, Brock Lesnar!
:'''Crowd''': ''[chant]'' BULLSHIT!
:'''Paul''': I understand how you feel. You're in shock, which shows me your lack of intelligence, because we hate to say we told you so, but ladies and gentlemen, ''WE TOLD YOU SO!!!'' My client stood before you with a shirt. Now, here it is, and I know how difficult it is for you to read, but it says, ''[pointing across Brock's shirt]'' &quot;Eat, sleep, break the Streak&quot;! And you had the temerity to doubt the strategy of the greatest manager in sports-entertainment history, Paul Heyman, or the physical credentials of the most dominant athlete in WWE ever, Brock Lesnar! Hey, let's get one thing straight. Brock Lesnar is not here to put smiles on people's faces; Brock Lesnar is here to shock the WWE Universe and put tears in the eyes of children.
:But now that you know all the headlines, let’s go a little bit off-page and shoot from the hip, shall we? Five seconds after walking through the curtain at WrestleMania, the Undertaker collapsed, and all the... ''[turns to audience]'' Oh, I know you don't want to hear this story, do you; it's a little too real for you. So as all the paramedics and the doctors are panicking, and there's chaos backstage, the most ruthless man to ever have the pleasure of meeting me, the chairman of the board, Vincent Kennedy McMahon, left WrestleMania and rode to the hospital with the Undertaker. The Undertaker is being treated today for a severe concussion. He came ''[holds fingers about an inch apart]'' this close to a broken neck, this close to a cracked skull, and the greatest thing the Undertaker ever did was not getting his shoulder up on that third F-5 because, if he did, he ''would'' have had a broken neck, Brock Lesnar ''would'' have cracked his skull. Brock Lesnar was prepared to beat on the Undertaker to such a degree that the complexion of this television show would have changed tonight because Brock wasn't done until the Streak was dead.
:Here's what really gets to me. When the match was over, ''[points to announcers]'' {{W|John Layfield|John &quot;Bradshaw&quot; Layfield}} and {{W|Michael Cole (wrestling)|those two}} {{W|Jerry Lawler|other things}} that call themselves announcers stood up and gave a standing ovation along with 80,000 other people in the Superdome—''Super''dome, Hogan, not ''Silver''dome—and gave a standing ovation to the Undertaker. Gave a standing ovation to the guy that lost the fight. Here's what I don't understand. Brock Lesnar always taught me, in every fight, there's a winner and a loser. Well last night, the Undertaker was a ''loser,'' and the winner, whether you like it or not, was ''BROCK LESNAR!!!''
:But since this is supposed to be the wildest crowd of the year, you should all feel empowered because each and every single one of you is exactly like every single member of that WWE locker room. You're all a bunch of wannabes. When Brock Lesnar walked through that curtain last night, nobody gave him a standing ovation. Everybody looked down. Do you know why? Because nobody respected Brock Lesnar, which is fine for Brock because Brock respects nobody. He barely tolerates me, and he certainly doesn't respect someone who's gonna fly in from around the world to sit here on the Monday after WrestleMania trying to get noticed on worldwide TV!
:So notice ''this'', okay? There's a lot of people in the back who sit there and say, &quot;I could've been the one to jump from the ring to the Octagon.&quot; But Daniel Bryan never fought in an Octagon, John Cena never fought in an Octagon, the Undertaker never fought in an Octagon! You know why?! They're all wannabes; Brock Lesnar is the one! There's a lot of people who wanted to be the NCAA Division I Heavyweight Champion, the Ultimate Fighting Champion, the Undisputed WWE Heavyweight Champion. The Rock never pulled that off, Hulk Hogan never pulled that off, Stone Cold Steve Austin never pulled that off. Know why? They're all wannabes; Brock Lesnar is the one!
:And then you've got a bunch of guys in the locker room last night coming up to me saying, ''[mocking] &quot;Hey, Paul, ''I'' could've been the one to break the Streak. I could've beaten the Undertaker.&quot;'' So why didn't you? Randy Orton didn't break the Streak, Shawn Michaels didn't break the Streak, Triple H didn't break the Streak. Know why? They're all wannabes; Brock Lesnar is the one because Brock Lesnar is the 1 in 21-1.
:I'm sorry, are you saying &quot;What?&quot; to me
:'''Crowd''': WHAT?!
:'''Paul''': Oh, I forgot who you are, so I'll say it slowly for you. ''Brock...Lesnar...is...the...one...in...twenty...one...and...one!''
:Ladies and gentlemen, there are WWE Hall of Famer''s'', there are Legend''s'', and there are WWE Superstar''s'', and the key to that is that they're all ''plural''. They're all lumped together. And then there's only ''one'' that stands head and shoulders above the rest on a platform of his own. There is only ''one'' Beast Incarnate, there's only ''one'' conqueror of the Streak, and there's only ''one'' Brock Lesnar.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim Hellwig AKA Ultimate Warrior''': Speak to me, Warriors! As I thought about what I was gonna say this evening, it's been hard for me to find the words. ''[Pulls a face-paint mask out of his pocket and puts it on]'' Well, then, you shut up, Warrior, and let ''me'' do the talking. No WWE talent becomes a legend on their own. Every man's heart one day beats its final beat, his lungs breathe their final breath, and if what that man did in his life makes the blood pulse through the body of others, and makes them bleed deeper and something than larger than life, then his essence, his spirit will be immortalized by the storytellers, by the loyalty, by the memory of those who honor him and make the running the man did live forever. You, you, you, you, you, you are the legend makers of Ultimate Warrior. In the back, I see many potential legends, some of them with Warrior spirits, and you will do the same for them. You will decide if they live with the passion and intensity. So much so that you will tell your stories and you will make them legends as well. I am Ultimate Warrior, you are the Ultimate Warrior fans, and the spirit of Ultimate Warrior will run forever!

=== June 9 ===
:'''Dean Ambrose''': The Shield was untouchable. We will go down in the history books as one of the greatest groups in sports entertainment ever. We dominated WWE, we beat everybody, including Evolution. But we weren't healthy. We had a cancer inside of us, little did we know. And that's cancer's name... that cancer's name was Seth Rollins.
:History is full of people like you, Seth. Everybody in this building knows somebody like you, Seth. The kind of guy who would stab his brother in the back. Suck up, sell out to The Authority. When I get the opportunity to rearrange your face -- which I will -- your nose isn't going to be here anymore, it's going to be over here by your ear. I say ear because you're only going to have one left. I'm going to rip your dirty stinking hair out by the roots. I'm going to stuff it in your mouth. There'll be plenty of room from where your teeth used to be.
:Seth Rollins... my brother... you are scum. And we are looking forward to what that scum has to say tonight. We want you stand out here in this ring in front of the whole world and lie through your teeth. We want you to stand out here in the middle of this ring in front of the whole world and we want them to hear Triple H's words coming out of your mouth. We're going to listen to every word of it, and then we're going to beat the hell out of you.
:'''Roman Reigns''': Seth, you committed the most unforgivable sin. You're the scum of the earth! There's things you don't do in life: You don't tug on Superman's cape, you don't piss in the wind, and you don't ever stab your brothers in the back. But you're only part of the problem. The other parts are Randy Orton and Triple H. Randy Orton, he runs around here and he thinks everybody owes him something. He thinks he's the face of the company. When I get my hands on you Randy, you're gonna be the ass of this company!
:And when I'm done with you, I'm coming for you Triple H. &quot;The King of Kings&quot; ooooooh.
:'''Dean Ambrose''': Ooooooh.
:'''Roman Reigns''': We're gonna have our own Game Of Thrones. BELIEVE THAT!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael Cole''': Seth, Welcome. It's been a lot of...a lot of talk over the last week about why...
:'''Seth Rollins''': Michael, let me let me stop you before you get started here because I don't...''[crowd booing]'' Look I don't get it. I don't understand what all the controversy you talking about is all about. I mean are we just talking about what I did last week? Is that the whole deal? Because to me, that wasn't a big deal. I was just doing what was best for business. What was best for MY business. The Shield Michael. The greatest faction in the history of WWE, created by me. You don't think I have the right to destroy my own creation? It takes an architect, a mastermind to put together a faction like the Shield. Do you think Dean Ambrose is in anyway responsible for that? Dean Ambrose is a lunatic. Given a week to his own devices, he's face down in a ditch. And Roman Reigns...the golden boy...you'll never see anger and fury in a man like you've seen in Roman Reigns. But without someone to harness that, to control it, he's nothing. He's worthless. Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns are nothing without me. They owe me every ounce of success they have ever achieved!
:'''Michael Cole''': Seth, many people will argue that the Shield was about three individuals who came together to form an awesome team, not just about one man.
:'''Seth Rollins''': You know, I guess we'll find out later tonight when the uh...the pathetic remnants of the Shield have their last hurrah out here against the Wyatt Family. But let me ask you a question Michael. Why is this such a surprise? I took the Shield to the very top, as high as we can go, we beat everybody alright. We conquered the world Michael. At Payback, we beat Evolution in a clean sweep. And from every experience in life, you should learn something. You know what I have learned from Evolution? I learned that to be success in this business, you have to evolve. You have to adapt!
:'''Crowd''':  ''[chanting]'' YOU SOLD OUT!
:'''Seth Rollins''': No no no no no I bought in. I bought in to the evolution of Seth Rollins. And another thing, another thing ''[points to Michael Cole]'' you won't admit, ''[points to crowd]'' that none of you will admit. It took a lot of guts to do what I did last week. And everybody is fixated on the fact that I stabbed my &quot;brothers&quot; in the back. That I betrayed my &quot;brothers&quot;. And maybe to Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose, we were brothers. But to me, they were just business partners. And I severed a business relationship. You know, for two years every night, I came out here and I put my fist out and I say Believe In The Shield. And every night, what I meant is what I'm going to tell you right now, is that you, and everybody else have better start believing in Seth Rollins!
:So that's it, Michael. That's all you wanted to hear right? Oh oh wait wait wait I heard earlier tonight, I was watching Dean Ambrose say that he was gonna let me say my piece and then they were gonna come out here and kick the hell out of me. Well...''[throws the chair out the ring]'' I said my piece!

=== July 7 ===

:'''Paul''': Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and I'm the one behind the 1 in 21-1. I serve as the advocate for ''Brock Lesnar,'' who conquered the Undertaker's undefeated streak at WrestleMania. I am also pleased and proud to represent...
:'''Cesaro''': Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, you can't talk to those people in English. They're French Canadians. But they don't speak French. No, they speak Quebecois. The French can't stand them, neither can the rest of Canada, ''et tout le monde sait que les Québécois sont pourris.''

=== July 21 ===

:''[After Kofi Kingston and Big E Langston lose their match]''
:'''Xavier Woods''': Everybody listen. I need you to pay attention to what I am about to say. This is exactly what I have been talking about. You cannot move ahead by shaking hands, kissing babies, singing and dancing like a puppet! You cannot move ahead by always doing what you're told. Now...this is our time, this is our place. It is time for us to find focus. It is up to us to find order. Together, it is our time to find purpose. Because we do not ask any longer. Now...we take.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Paul''': ''[to Triple H]'' Mr. COO, you...you know how much respect I have for you, sir. I...I hate to point out the obvious, but &quot;Plan A&quot; just...just isn't working with Randy Orton, not while Roman Reigns is around. And...I mean, &quot;Plan B,&quot; I like &quot;Plan B,&quot; Seth Rollins is great, but every time Seth Rollins is gonna try to cash in that Money in the Bank briefcase, Dean Ambrose is going to stop him. Which is why, Triple H, I think the Authority has the uncomfortable decision right now to agree with me that you need to make the dangerous choice of implementing &quot;Plan C.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Paul''': Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and my client, ''BROCK LESNAR'' conquered the Undertaker's undefeated streak at WrestleMania! Which is why, at this moment, my client hereby officially announces his intention to conquer John Cena and take the WWE World Heavyweight Championship at SummerSlam. Now, my client officially acknowledges this divide that permeates through the WWE Universe. There are those who wear their green t-shirts and their pump-up sneakers, and they scream with great passion their love and adulation for their hero by saying at the top of their lungs, &quot;let's go, Cena!&quot; And there are those who offer the contrarian opinion, and whose mommies don't tuck them into bed at night, and they will say with great fervor and passion, &quot;Cena sucks!&quot;
:Now, it doesn't matter to my client which side of the fence you want to ride on. This malpracticing &quot;Doctor of Thuganomics&quot; is in for the beating of a lifetime. I don't just stand out here and spew hype and hyperbole; I exploit historical facts to shove my points down your throats. To wit: I offer you what happened the last time my client, Brock Lesnar, zeroed in on someone and decided to give them a beating.
:''[Shows footage of Brock Lesnar defeating the Undertaker at WrestleMania]''
:You know, for years, everybody said, &quot;I want to be the one to beat the Undertaker and snap the Streak.&quot; But that wasn't good enough for Brock Lesnar. At WrestleMania, my client, Brock Lesnar, gave such a violent beating to the Undertaker that Vince McMahon had to ride in the ambulance to the hospital with the Undertaker because even our heartless chairman was concerned for a dead man's well being and life.
:Oh, John Cena? That same beating awaits you. And please don't confuse my client with some stereotypical villain that comes out here and say, &quot;John, you can escape this beating by giving up your title and laying it down at my feet.&quot; Brock Lesnar makes you no such offer. John Cena, you can't escape this beating.
:At SummerSlam, my client, Brock Lesnar, will take John Cena down! Brock Lesnar will punch John Cena's face in! John Cena, you are going to be hurt by Brock Lesnar! Brock Lesnar is going to injure John Cena! Brock Lesnar is going to ''mangle'' John Cena! And then, and ''only'' then, Brock Lesnar is going to F-5 John Cena and strip John Cena of the dignity of being the WWE World Heavyweight Champion, the same way Brock Lesnar stripped the Undertaker of his dignity and exposed the Streak as just being a myth; the same myth that Brock Lesnar hears every week on television when John Cena is referred to as being the greatest WWE champion of all time. Fifteen World Titles in 10 years. Now that sounds like something worth conquering.
:I pledge allegiance to the greatness of the conquerer who stands before me, and to his dominance, for which I stand, one Cenation, under John, now divisible, with no more hustle, loyalty, or respect for all!
:Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and I'm the one behind the 1 in 21-1, and at SummerSlam, my client, Brock Lesnar, will beat John Cena and become the WWE Heavyweight Champion of the world!

=== August 11 ===

:'''Paul''': He's a 15-time Champ, and he likes to have his fun.
:But not at your expense, so let us school you, son.
:No, we're not from West Newbury; no we can't hip hop like you.
:My client is The Conqueror, I'm just Brock's advocating Jew.
:You see, my name is Paul Heyman, and my client is The Beast,
:And on the 17th of August, on your title, he shall feast.
:You don't like Paul Heyman guys, you think their attitude's too smug.
:You gonna beat Brock's ass, 'cause you the doctor of the thugs?
:I mean, you've beaten all the best, but now Lesnar's on your plate.
:You say your time is now. Brock says your calendar's out-of-date.
:So here's some free advice, with SummerSlam drawing near,
:Get it out your damn system when you say, &quot;the champ is here.&quot;
:Because we're six days away from the West Coast's biggest arena
:Where my client, Brock Lesnar, will conquer John Cena.

=== August 18 ===

:'''Paul''': Um...ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and I'm the one behind the one who conquered the one who thought he was the one to beat the 1 in 21-1. Last night at SummerSlam, my client didn't just beat, didn't just victimize; my client conquered the titleholder, which affords me, Paul Heyman, the opportunity to proclaim myself the advocate for the brand new, ''reigning, defending, undisputed WWE Heavyweight Champion of the World, Brock Lesnar!''
:Now let's get down to business, shall we? My client has authorized me to let you know a secret that I don't even think the Authority wants revealed tonight, which is, ladies and gentlemen, John Cena...is not here this evening. Aw, don't get me wrong. John Cena would be here if John Cena could be here, but John Cena can't be here because John Cena can't physically appear, and that's all thanks to my client, ''Brock Lesnar!''
:'''Brock''': I love it when you say that. Say that again please.
:'''Paul''': ''Brock Lesnar!'' Now, I have been in this industry in one form or another since I was 14 years old, and I have never in my life seen a superstar take an ass-kicking the likes that John Cena took last night at the hands of my client, Brock Lesnar. Now, we're not just talking ''any'' superstar; we're talking a ''top'' superstar. And not just ''any'' top superstar; we're talking ''the'' top superstar. The top superstar of a generation. And just to put this into historical perspective for you, Dwayne &quot;The Rock&quot; Johnson's run on top, legendary. How long? Three years? Three and a half years, maybe? Stone Cold Steve Austin's run on top. How long? Four years? Four and a half years? There's been one constant in the WWE Title picture, there's been one WrestleMania main event they're guaranteeing almost every year, there's been one ''man'' in WWE for the past ten years, and that man has been John Cena! And you have to give credit where credit's due. Any man in that unprecedented position, after thirty seconds last night, would've just turned the title over to Brock Lesnar; would've given up, would've tapped out, would've survived to fight another day. But no, not John Cena.
:And as I stood right here ''[pointing to the ringside floor]'', with the best seat in the house, and I witnessed the suffering on John Cena's face, it was at that moment, Brock, that I truly understood. 'Cause we'd never gotten it before, but I got it last night. I could never understand why so many people who love John Cena, love him with such a passion. My own children are John Cena fans, which really pisses me off to begin with, but now I get it! Now I understand why! 'Cause John Cena was taking this heinous, vicious, violent beating, and he kept coming back for more, and coming back for more, and coming back for more, and coming back for more, 'cause when John Cena says, &quot;never give up,&quot; John Cena means never give up. John Cena, you earned my respect and my admiration to the point where, if I had time on my hands, I would love to make you a Paul Heyman guy. Yeah. Hey, you can knock me all you want, I'll tell you to the straight. If they wrote ''The History of WWE'' right before Brock Lesnar pinned John Cena last night, John Cena would go down as the single greatest fighting champion in WWE history.
:Unfortunately, my client, Brock Lesnar, does not share these opinions! In Brock Lesnar's universe, John Cena walked into this ring a hero, and left a martyr. And in Brock Lesnar's universe, the credo that martyrdom equals street cred does not apply. And even if it did apply, he who dies with the most street cred wins? ''[Imitates buzzer]'' Wrong answer. In Brock Lesnar's universe, he who dies with the most street cred ''still dies!'' Dies at the hands of the Conqueror, Brock Lesnar, just like the Undertaker's undefeated streak at WrestleMania ''died'' at the hands of Brock Lesnar! Just like the Undertaker's career ''died'' at the hands of Brock Lesnar! Just like this whole stupid concept of hustle, loyalty, and respect ''died'' at the hands of Brock Lesnar! Just like the Cenation ''died'' and was conquered by Brock Lesnar!
:And here's the problem. The same fate awaits any man that walks into the Beast's lair and tried to take away from Brock Lesnar the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. And it's almost an unfair fight to begin with, because anybody that steps into this ring is just a challenger. Just a man. My client is not a man. My client is the Beast, and this beast will lay wreckage to any man that tries to take that title away from him, which means the same beating awaits, which makes every single title defense by Brock Lesnar not only must-see, but can't-miss.
:Now, if you're too cheap or too stupid or too blind or too ignorant to spend $9.99 on the WWE Network, let me tell you what happened last night. My client, Brock Lesnar, imposed his will on John Cena, and this, ladies and gentlemen, is what they call basic Brockanomics. Eat, sleep, suplex, repeat. Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat!
:Brock Lesnar lives by the motto, Eat, sleep, suplex, repeat! Eat, sleep, F-5, repeat! Eat, sleep, victimize, repeat! Eat, sleep, beat, repeat. Eat...sleep...conquer...''[waves hand in front of face like...]'' John Cena.

=== October 20 ===

:''[Dean Ambrose watches ''See No Evil 2'' and slowly eats popcorn when he gets startled by John Cena]''
:'''John Cena''': What are you doing?
:'''Dean''': Doing some research for our match tonight. ''See No Evil 2'' starring Kane; this guy is sick, twisted, sadistic.
:'''John Cena''': This is...this is what you do? This is your plan? This is your strategy, movie night?
:'''Dean''': See, me and you are kinda like a comic book movie. It's like Superman teaming up with Batman. You stand for truth, justice, and the American way, nice American square jaw on you. I like to beat up scumbags. I've been known to wear a cape. But really, we just don't mix.
:'''John Cena''': What are you even... we have a match tonight, and the three people in that match are gonna do whatever they can to take both of us out of commission before Hell in a Cell. How are we gonna handle it?
:'''Dean''': Relax. This might surprise you, but even though I am undefeated in contract-on-a-pole matches, handicapped street fights are my specialty, so here's how we're going to handle it. We're gonna throw punches at anything that moves, and if they insist on taking us down, we're gonna take as many of them down with us as we can. That's how we ''handle'' it.
:'''John Cena''': I like it. I like it. The whole Batman thing...does not fit you. You...are much more like the Joker.
:'''Dean''': ''[after John leaves]'' [[The Dark Knight|Why so serious?]]

=== December 8 ===
:'''AJ Lee''': ''[accepting the Diva of the Year Slammy]'' Okay, so, three years ago, I promised all of you I would redefine the term &quot;diva,&quot; and I am very proud to say that I sure have done that. You can be a nerd, you can be a tomboy, and you can still be the longest-reigning Divas Champion of all time. So I hope that means that next year, this award is won by [[w:Bayley (wrestler)|Bayley]] or [[w:Sasha Banks|Sasha]] or [[w:Charlotte Flair|Charlotte]] or [[w:Emma (wrestler)|Emma]] or [[w:Paige (wrestler)|Paige]]. Any of those girls can be next in line for the throne, but I'm not done being queen. And Sunday, I will take back what is mine, and I will become the four-time Divas Champion.

== 2015 ==

=== March 9 ===

:'''Paul Heyman''': Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and all day long they've been trying to get me to preview this video but ''instead'' I decided to come out here live and watch this video along with every single one of you.
:''[the video is an interview bewteen Roman Reigns and Byron Saxton, with footage of his career through NXT and WWE, as well as previous facings with Heyman.]''
:'''Paul Heyman''': Mhm, okay. So Roman Reigns makes some interesting points to which, ladies and gentlemen, I shall retort &quot;Here comes the pain&quot;. The reigning, defending, undisputed WWE Heavyweight Champion of the World: ''BROCK LESNAR!''
:''[Lesnar's music hits as he comes down to the ring. The announcers discuss about Reigns' chances to beat Lesnar.]''
:'''Paul Heyman''': Now, I understand what a fan-pleasing video that was, but to my client, that was nothing short of sheer propaganda. If it came out of the tail end of a bull, it wouldn't smell any different. ''[mocking] &quot;Oh, Roman Reigns was the stand-out in NXT who went on to become the badass of The Shield, where he was also a stand-out, and then he defeated 29 other WWE Superstars at the Royal Rumble to become the #1 Contender, and even defended his right to main-event WrestleMania when he beat Daniel Bryan at WWE Fastlane. Yaaaay!&quot;''
:I've known that family since I was 14 years old, and I already stooged this off to my client. Let me tell you the truth about Roman Reigns because the WWE Universe likes to live vicariously through its own fantasies: that propaganda was pure fantasy. The truth is, when Roman Reigns was 9 years old, his father, who's one generation removed from cannibals, used to take Roman and his bunch of savage cousins down to all the bars in Pensacola where the local football players would hang out, and they would point out the football players and say: &quot;One man left standing, don't bother coming home for dinner tonight.&quot; Roman Reigns' uncle would them take him down to the beach in Pensacola with his other criminal cousins and point out all the muscleheads and say, &quot;One musclehead left standing, don't bother coming home tonight. Take him out with a punch. Take him out with a tackle.&quot; Two moves that you see him do today.
:And the same applies at WrestleMania: &quot;Roman Reigns, go to WrestleMania and beat Brock Lesnar for that title, or don't bother calling yourself a member of this family.&quot; It's a powerful, profound motivation for any young man—let alone the baddest member of that family—except for one problem: Roman Reigns, you will not beat Brock Lesnar for that title at WrestleMania. Even more so, Roman Reigns, I promise you this: Brock Lesnar will not lose the title to you at WrestleMania.
:And just because I'm paranoid, doesn't mean the whole world's not against us. I know what goes on behind the scenes. So if The Authority has it in their head that somehow get that title away from Brock Lesnar and place it on Roman Reigns, so Seth Rollins can cash-in Money In The Bank on Roman Reigns—'cause he ain't man enough to cash it in on Brock Lesnar—and that's what they're thinking, because Seth Rollins will be cheaper as champion than Brock Lesnar, let me spell this one out for you: If anybody has it in their heads to pull a Montreal Screwjob on Brock Lesnar for the title at WrestleMania, my client assures me any single person involved in a Montreal scenario will not leave that stadium alive!
:You see, while Roman Reigns is coming in to WrestleMania with the mindset that he wants to stay a member of his family, even if he has to bite Brock Lesnar's face off, Brock Lesnar can get his face stitched up, but the beating, the sheer beating that Brock Lesnar's going to give Roman Reigns at WrestleMania, it's gonna make every single one of you respect Roman Reigns, because when they're wheeling Roman Reigns down the street after the beating that he takes from Brock Lesnar, each and everyone of you is going to say: &quot;Yo, that's one badass Samoan. He took an ass-kicking like nobody else I've ever seen.&quot; When Roman Reigns is too— ''[Heyman's microphone is shut off. He walks around in the ring and begins clapping at the microphone.]''
:You know what I really like the most about this? I like how [[w:Wizard of Oz (character)|Oz]] behind the curtain or in the production truck likes to shut off my microphone, instead of coming down to the ring and take it out of my hand... Instead of someone in the position of authority around here comes down to the ring and takes that title away from Brock Lesnar. And if you would like to take the title away from Brock Lesnar: Go ahead! Grab a leg! Take your best shot! Because if Brock Lesnar wants to spend his summer unifying the WWE and the UFC Title, ''THAT'S WHAT HE'S GONNA DO!'' ''[The mic cuts off again]'' Hey, censor this one: If Brock Lesnar decides to go to Las Vegas and smack around Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao—''[talking to Lesnar]'' by the way, do you realize that if you combine Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao, together they're still ten pound shy of you?—that's what Brock Lesnar is going to do! Here's a message for everyone to keeps on shutting off my damn microphone: This title no longer belongs to WWE! This title belongs to Brock Lesnar! It's his! ''AND HE'S NOT GIVING IT BACK!'' 
:In 2002, they took a rookie and they put him in the ring with The Rock, 'cause they thought The Rock would make headlines beating a former NCAA Division I Heavyweight Champion, and that rookie set Dwayne Johnson off to Hollywood. In 2014, they took this accomplished athlete, the first man to hold the NCAA Division I Heavyweight Championship, the UFC Title and the WWE Title, and they fed him to the unbeatable Undertaker at WrestleMania, thinking he be the 0 in 22-0, and he didn't just kill the streak: he damn nearly killed The Undertaker, to where now Bray Wyatt has to resurrect him. At SummerSlam, one beast suplexed John Cena out of the main event in WrestleMania. So here's my question, ladies and gentlemen, 'cause it's all the same answer. Who did that to The Rock? Who did that to The Undertaker? Who did that to John Cena? And what the hell do you think he's going to do to Roman Reigns at WrestleMania? The answer to these questions is this: Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar: ''The reigning, defending, undisputed WWE Heavyweight Champion of the World'', The Beast, The Conqueror, and the one that's gonna leave Roman Reigns flat on his back at WrestleMania... ''BROCK LESNAR!''

=== March 30 ===

:'''Paul''': Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and I am the advocate for the most non-PG ass-kicker of the PG era, ''BROCK LESNAR!'' So let's talk about it, let's get it out of the way. What happened last night at WrestleMania? My client, as we told you he would do, laid a beating on a Samoan badass the likes of which no one had ever seen before at WrestleMania. My client took his hands, put them on the #1 challenger for the World Title and did nothing but suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex him right through the canvas! ''[The crowd chants, &quot;Suplex City!&quot; which draws a laugh from Brock]'' Or, as my client Brock Lesnar said, &quot;Suplex City, bitch!&quot;
:So now, Brock Lesnar is bitch-slapping Roman Reigns all over the ring, and what happens? What happens? This Samoan, this Samoan whose predecessors were eating human flesh, was sitting there eating the pain and liking the taste and smiling at Brock Lesnar and saying, &quot;I'm gonna bring the same right back to you!&quot; I will not spend my time tonight singing Roman Reigns's [''sic''] praises. I will tell you he can sink or swim on his own from here, but my client ''almost'' respects Roman Reigns. Kid, you still got a ways to go.
:So then, Brock Lesnar got bored. Brock Lesnar was hungry. He wanted to go out for dinner. And Brock Lesnar says, &quot;good night, everybody,&quot; picks Roman Reigns up on his shoulders, F-5!...And here comes slimy, disgusting, little Seth Rollins, who cashes in Money in the Bank, makes it a triple threat, Curb Stomps everyone in sight, and scores a pinfall on the challenger, not the champion, and scurries away the most undeserving WWE Champion of anybody's lifetime. ''[aside to Brock]'' I got this.
:You all know my father was a prominent New York attorney, and I have apprised my client of his legal rights, that I can go to Sacramento, get an immediate injunction at the 7th Circuit Court [''sic''], I can have the decision reversed, Seth Rollins will no longer be the winner, I will tie WWE up in litigation for the next three or four months, have the title held up. Unfortunately for me, my client Brock Lesnar thinks all lawyers are scumbags, and Brock Lesnar will not file an injunction, will not go to the 7th Circuit Court, does not want to tie up WWE in litigation; my client Brock Lesnar wants to invoke his rematch clause! And ladies and gentlemen, I have been authorized to tell you, that rematch will not happen at SummerSlam, will not happen at next year's WrestleMania, will not happen at Extreme Rules, will not happen at Payback! That rematch clause is being invoked right here, right now, tonight!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Seth''': You know, I...I actually just spoke with Stephanie McMahon before I came out here, and I...I'm feeling kinda jet-lagged, to be honest, and...and my foot kinda hurts a little bit from Curb Stomping you and Roman Reigns last night. So...I'm a fighting champion, and I'm going to give you your rematch, just...not tonight.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Stephanie McMahon''': ''(after Lesnar attacks J&amp;J Security, and F5'd Michael Cole, as well as a cameraman)'' Your actions have consequences! You're suspended indefinitely! GET OUT OF MY RING!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Stephanie McMahon''': ''(being interviewed by Renee Young backstage afterwards about Brock Lesnar's actions)'' You know, Brock Lesnar will get his rematch when I say he gets his rematch but, Brock Lesnar, actually, I-I think I need to hit Brock Lesnar where it hurts. I don't think suspending him is enough. Actually, I think I'm gonna have to fine Brock Lesnar. I'm gonna have to fine him for all o-of the damage, all of the property damage, the emotional distress of these  employees, you know. And if Brock Lesnar thinks for just one second that he can go back to MMA as he announced on SportsCenter, he just  signed a contract with WWE. And you know what that means, Renee?  That means I own that son of a bitch. (leaves)

=== July 20 ===

:''[The Undertaker makes his entrance, as he attacked Brock Lesnar last night at Battleground]''
:'''The Undertaker''': I stand here tonight a relentless, remorseless, cold-blooded, vengeful grim reaper. Streaks are made to be broken. That is the painful truth, but Lesnar, you had to continuously, week after week, month after month, remind everyone of your greatest accomplishment. Now, I say, enough! You have taken what once was smoldering ashes, and turned it into a raging inferno. Last night was my true resurrection. You see Lesnar, you can't kill what won't die. Unleashed forces will now set our careers toward new destinies. And I will challenge your mortality. I will conquer what has yet to be conquered. In the end, just like all living things, be it man, or beast, you will rest in peace!

=== September 21 ===

:'''Paige''': Charlotte, she's so nice. This is all so nice. And you know what, you won the Championship yesterday, and this whole celebration is for Charlotte. But let's just think about who really made this possible, and that's me! No, shut up, Becky, shut up. This is patronizing. &quot;Oh, I love you, daddy&quot; and &quot;oh my gosh, I wouldn't be here without you.&quot; Yeah, yeah, yeah, you sound like you just been inducted into the bloody Hall of Fame is what you sound like. Yes, I won the Championship too. You won it, so what? I won it on my first day. I won it twice. And you know what? Here's a little secret, champ to champ: title reigns end. And Nikki's going to get her rematch and she's going to bring her little hippie sister and her little third wheel and they're going to take that back and the Divas division is going to go back right where it was. There is no revolution, Charlotte! You are just a placeholder. No, no, no, Becky back off. You know what? You're never going to be a Divas champion. You know why? Because you're the least relevant of all of us. Let's go to Team BAD. They're all flash, no substance. Then you got Lana and Summer too busy trying to figure out who they want to climb onto next rather than the Divas division. And then you've got Nattie. Nattie, where are you? Do you even work here anymore? I can't see you, Mrs. Hart. And then you've got the Bellas. We all know the ''real'' reason they got to where they are. You all know the real reason. No, I'm not done. Stop trying to act like you are somebody because you wouldn't be here if it wasn't for [[w:Ric Flair|your old man]].

=== November 9 ===

:'''Triple H''': I just want to take a moment to acknowledge a great champion. I want to take a moment to acknowledge The Man, Seth Rollins. See, when Steph and I chose Seth Rollins as the future of the WWE, we had extremely high hopes for what that future would be, and Seth Rollins exceeded all those expectations.
:'''Crowd''': ''[chant]'' Thank you, Rollins!
:'''Triple H''': That's right. Thank you, Seth Rollins, for giving back to us the faith that we had in you. Because every obstacle that was put in front of him, every opponent, Seth Rollins made his way through and retained the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. But on his way to becoming one of the greatest WWE Champions of all time, tragedy fell upon Seth Rollins.  In Dublin, Ireland, Seth [[w:Unhappy triad|blew out his knee]]. And while Seth Rollins is still The Man, Seth Rollins, right now, is no longer the WWE World Heavyweight Champion. ''[Mixed cheers and boos from crowd]'' That creates an interesting opportunity. Who is gonna step up? Who is gonna fill that void?
:A few weeks ago, a few weeks ago, we determined a new #1 Contender. A #1 Contender who was going to face Seth Rollins at Survivor Series for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. I would like to bring that man out here right now. Please welcome Roman Reigns!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Triple H''': ''[on the displayed Championship]'' Looks good, doesn't it? See, as of this moment, Seth Rollins is no longer the World Heavyweight Champion, and as you know, as the whole world knows by now, there is a tournament taking place that starts tonight to determine who will be the brand new WWE World Heavyweight Champion. And to me, that seems unfair. That seems unfair that Seth Rollins is no longer the World Heavyweight Champion, and it seems unfair that, while you earned the right to be the #1 Contender, it seems unfair to me that you just go back to the bottom of the pile and get thrown into this tournament and have to earn your way back up. It's terribly unfair, and the reality is, it doesn't have to be that way. It could be a lot easier. It could be a ''whole'' lot easier. You see, it could be that you don't have to enter that tournament. All those other guys could step into this ring and do battle just for the right to fight ''you'' at Survivor Series to see who becomes the WWE World Heavyweight Champion. That, in my opinion, seems much more fair.
:And before you say anything, I want you to understand one thing, and I've never told you this before. But the reality of it is, back when we made Seth Rollins the future of the WWE, we strongly considered you first, and I mean ''strongly'' considered. All that time when Evolution was fighting the Shield, I was scouting. I'm always scouting, and I was looking at you. You have it all, Roman. The size, the strength, the speed, charisma, athleticism, the aggression, everything. You have everything you could want, except for one thing. Except for one thing, and that is the one thing that Seth Rollins had, was the willingness to do absolutely anything to be The Man. And that is why Seth Rollins has been the WWE World Heavyweight Champion, and you have not. How'd it feel? How'd it feel, WrestleMania, after winning the Royal Rumble, after going through all those people, after finally earning that spot, for Seth Rollins to roll in there and take your dream after from you? How'd that feel, Roman? Huh? Sting a little bit? I know how that felt, it sucks. Right? You're damn right, it does. You'll never know. Could you have beaten Brock Lesnar? Maybe. Could you have been the WWE World Heavyweight Champion? You'll never know. Could you have kept this title around your waist? You'll never know because Seth Rollins had a willingness to do absolutely anything, that you did not have, and he walked out of WrestleMania as the WWE World Heavyweight Champion.
:And now, here you are. Here you are all these months later, and you still have all of that. All of those positives. You have dug and scratched and clawed to earn your way back to this, and you have met with wall after wall after wall. I can make those walls go away.
:It doesn't have to that difficult, Roman, and I'm not asking you to do anything that you haven't already done. You've earned your spot. You've earned your spot. I'm asking you, do you want to be The Man? Because if you want to be The Man, Roman, all you have to do is be ''my'' man.
:'''Roman Reigns''': So you're gonna give me everything I've already earned, and all I have to do is sell out?
:'''Triple H''': &quot;Sell-out.&quot; &quot;Sell-out,&quot; that's an interesting word. You know what &quot;sell-out&quot; is? Sell-out is a word that people that don't succeed created to explain why people did what they could not do. Sell-out is a word they chant because they can never achieve what you can achieve. Don't... Roman, don't let some misguided morals ruin what you could get out of life. Are you kidding me? You think they're not gonna criticize? No matter what you do, if you get this, and I don't care how you get it, criticism comes with the gate, pal. That's the way it works. You win this, you don't wanna get criticized? Then do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing. But if you want this, then be a reality man. See the reality of the situation. Understand that this comes with criticism, and you will never be liked by everybody, Roman.
:Understand what I am offering you here. This is everything you've ever wanted. From the time you were a boy, ''[places the belt over Roman's shoulder]'' you wanted to put this on your shoulder, right? You wanted to say, &quot;I'm the man.&quot; You wanted everything that comes with it. The respect, all of it. You don't wanna die, and on your tombstone, it says, &quot;yeah, but everybody liked me.&quot; You want them to build a monument in your honor. Right? I am offering you an opportunity here for you and what is most important in your life, and I know what is most important in your life outside of this. It's your family. It's your family. I'm not talking about setting up your wife and your daughter, I'm talking about setting up your daughter's daughter, Roman. I'm talking about giving you everything you have ever wanted out of life. ''[Takes belt back and places on pedestal]'' All you have to do, all you have to do is be my man.
:'''Roman Reigns''': Everything I have in life, I earned it. Everything that I've done, I did it my way. I've never taken a handout, and nobody can ever take that away from me. But it ain't going down tonight; you can take your offer, and you can shove it.
:'''Triple H''': Roman, thank you. Thank you for reminding me why I didn't choose you in the first place.

=== November 16 ===

:'''Dean Ambrose''': If I win the WWE Championship at Survivor Series, I'm gonna turn this whole place upside-down! We're throwing all the rules out the window! Ain't gonna be no more suits, ain't gonna be no more ties. More action, less talking! I want more pyro, I want breakfast for dinner, we're gonna replace Michael Cole with a fish tank. We're throwing all the rules out the window. This Sunday at Survivor Series, I make the entire WWE the Ambrose Asylum.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[At the contract signing for the WWE Divas Championship match at Survivor Series]''
:'''Michael Cole''': Ladies, this is what the WWE fans are trying to figure out here. I mean, I was with you guys when you were at your NXT tryouts. You guys bonded, and over the last couple of years, you've become the best of friends. But what the WWE Universe can't figure out is where it all went wrong. What happened to the friendship between you two?
:'''Paige''': First of all, this is no ''friendships'', Michael. When you're a true champion, there is no room for emotion ''or'' friendships. So I had to teach Charlotte that the hard way, and I intend to do so again this Sunday when I take back ''my'' Divas Championship.
:''[Paige signs the contract]''
:'''Charlotte''': It must be exhausting being this bitter and angry all the time.
:'''Paige''': How have I been all angry, Charlotte? I don't even look that way.
:'''Charlotte''': What happened to you, Paige? What made you like this? You know, I didn't get into this business to make friends. But when I started at NXT, forget the fact that we came from the same background. I can't even believe I'm about to say this: I wanted to ''be'' like you. I was the naive, sweet Carolina girl; you were the British badass. You know, we didn't grow up like most little girls. We sat at home watching our parents on the television night after night sacrificing their body. They cared about the WWE almost as much as they cared about us. That's why my [[w:Reid Flair|late brother]]...''[starts to tear up]'' When my little brother passed away, you were there for me. I... I am here today because of him, and that's the only reason to fulfill his dream. We were family.
:'''Paige''': You know what, Charlotte? It doesn't matter what I said or what I thought about you, okay? This isn't a sorority house, sweetheart. I have been using you since day one.
:'''Charlotte''': &quot;Using&quot; me? Using me? Well, you must really suck at using me, because that's why I'm the Divas Champion and you're not. But the sad thing is, Paige, it didn't have to be like that. Because it's not about the Title, it's about who's got your back at the end of the day.
:'''Paige''': And where did you learn that, Dr. Phil or ''Seventeen'' magazine? Or...you gonna keep crying, Charlotte?
:'''Charlotte''': [[w:The Hardy Boyz|Team Xtreme]], D-Generation X, the Four Horsemen. Team PCB was going to change the Divas division...until you let your selfish ways get in the way.
:'''Paige''': Oh, okay, okay. First of all, wrong. I threw PCB away because I deserve that championship more than anyone, and especially more than you.
:'''Charlotte''': You're not a champion! You ''never'' were! A champion is a role model. A champion is someone those little girls sitting at home and sitting in that audience want to be like.
:I won't be Champion forever, but when I lose that title, it won't be this Sunday, and it damn sure won't be to someone like you.
:'''Paige''': Wow, Charlotte. You know what? That was quite a speech. I had a tear in my eye. Oh, no, wait, wait, wait. That's confidence. You are so naive, Charlotte, it makes me sick, and it is embarrassing.
:'''Michael Cole''': ''[as Paige is about to leave]'' Oh, wait a moment, Charlotte, the contract.
:'''Paige''': You know what? You know what? I am so sick of this. You think that everyone has your back, and that's a bunch of bull. No one has your back, and no one will have your back this Sunday. Not even Daddy, Mr. Four Horsemen himself. You know what? Where are you, Ric? Where are you? Why don't you come on out here, and drop one of those famous elbowdrops on your jacket. 'Cause you know what? It is ''so'' impressive, you old fart!
:'''Charlotte''': You shut your mouth, or there won't be a Survivor Series! You won't even make it out of this building!
:'''Michael Cole''': Charlotte, Paige has signed the contract...
:'''Charlotte''': I will continue to fight each and every day, just like everyone in my entire family has, just like my dad did, just like my little brother did, and just like I do!
:'''Paige''': You know what, Charlotte? You're wrong, sweetheart, 'cause your little baby brother...he didn't have much fight in ''him'', did he?
:''[Charlotte lunges at Paige, and the two brawl before being separated by referees]''

== 2016 ==

=== February 8 ===

:'''Daniel Bryan''': ''[on the YES! chants from the audience]'' So, just now, I was able to close my eyes and feel that. Like, literally feel it in a way that I've never gotten to feel it before, because when we're here, we always have to keep our eyes open. But just that experience, literally, I'm never gonna forget it.
:But now...but now, it is time for me to address the giant elephant in the room.
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' NO!
:'''Daniel''': I know, I know, I didn't want to shave my beard either. But the thing is, is that I wanted to cut my hair, and once I cut my hair, I looked really silly with this giant beard. And this is just my one cheap plug, is that I cut my hair for an organization called [http://www.wigs4kids.org/ Wigs 4 Kids], and one of the nice things about them is that they make wigs for kids who have had cancer, and they don't charge the families at all for that, so...if there is anything worthwhile that comes out of what I'm saying tonight, that's it right there.
:But now to some less fun stuff. So...
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' NO!
:'''Daniel''': Trust me, I don't want to be doing this any more than you want me to be doing this. But the truth is, I've been wrestling since I was 18 years old, and within the first five months of my wrestling career, I'd already had three concussions. And for years after that, I would get a concussion here and there, or here, or there, and it gets to point that, when you've been wrestling for 16 years, that adds up to a lot of concussions. And it gets to a point where they tell you that you can't wrestle anymore. ''[Audience boos]'' And for a long time, I fought that because I'd gotten EEGs and brain MRIs and neuropsychological evaluations, and all of them said this, that I was fine and I could come back and I could wrestle, and I trained like I would come back and I would wrestle, and I was ready at a moment's notice if WWE needed me, I wanted to come back and wrestle, because this...I have loved this in a way that I have never loved anything else.
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' THANK YOU, DANIEL!
:'''Daniel''': But a week and a half ago, I...I took a test that said maybe my brain isn't as okay as I thought it was, and I have a family to think about, and my wife and I want to start having kids soon.
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' YES!
:'''Daniel''': That's what Brie says all the time!
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
:'''Daniel''': So...it is with a heavier heart and the utmost sadness that I officially announcement my retirement. But if there's one thing...so I've gone through all these complex emotions in this last little bit. You know, I've been angry, I've been sad, I've been frustrated, I've been all of that. But today, when I woke up this morning, I felt nothing but gratitude because I have gotten to do what I love for nearly 16 years. Let me tell you a few of the things that I love, okay? Let me tell you a few of the things that I love. Nobody outside of this arena or this city cares about this, but I love the Seahawks. Here's another thing that I love. Here's another thing that I love. Right before my music hits, and it makes that weird sound right before it comes on, and when you guys react every single time, even if I'm tired as hell or I've been hurting, every time, I get this weird little smirk on my face that's not like...but it just...it brings joy to my heart, and I love it every single time.
:Do you know what else that I love? I love hitting the ropes and diving right here. ''[Sticks himself between the top two ropes]'' It has made me feel like Superman, and your guys' reaction to that made me feel like Superman. I love that.
:Here's another thing that I love. Here's another thing that I love. I have wrestled in the parking lot of gas stations, ''and'' I have wrestled in front of 70-plus thousand people in New Orleans. Here's another thing that I love. I have gotten to meet the most amazing people on this planet, such as somebody who looks like a monster, but is the smartest man I know, like Kane. I have gotten to meet a man who has been my mentor and my friend for over 16 years in William Regal. I have gotten to meet children that are stronger than I've ever thought anybody could be, like [[w:Connor Michalek|Connor]].
:Grateful. I am very grateful, and I'm grateful because wrestling doesn't owe me or anybody back there, it doesn't owe us anything. WWE doesn't owe us anything, nobody owes...you guys don't owe us anything. We do this because we love to do this. And then, it was strange because I did this because I love to do this, and then all of a sudden, you guys just got behind me ''[starting to tear up]'' in a way that I never thought was possible, in a way that fans shouldn't necessarily get behind a guy who's 5'8&quot; and 190 pounds. You guys got behind me in a way that made me feel that I was more than just me, and for that, I'm grateful. I'm grateful because, a little over two years ago, in this very arena, you guys hijacked ''Raw''.
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' YES!
:'''Daniel''': And they were trying to do a big championship coronation between Randy Orton and John Cena. They were combining the WWE Championship with the World Heavyweight Championship, and they had all the former Champions out here, and this was gonna be the most important match in WWE history, and you guys just wouldn't stop chanting &quot;Daniel Bryan!&quot;
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' DANIEL BRYAN!
:'''Daniel''': But that's not why I'm grateful. My dad was sitting right over there, where the guy with the goat mask with the Daniel Bryan sign is standing right now. And my dad got to see that, his son getting that kind of reaction from all you people. ''[Tearing up]'' And that was the last time my dad ever got to see me wrestle, and you guys made it special for him and for me and for my entire family. I am grateful. I am grateful, because of wrestling, I got to meet the most wonderful woman in the world, who's beautiful, she is smart, and she completes me in a way that I didn't even think was possible, and that's because of wrestling. I am grateful. I am grateful because I get to come out here in front of what I feel is my hometown fans. I get to announce my retirement in front of a bunch of people who love me. Right?
:That special moment that I had with my dad, I get to share this moment with my mom, with my sister, with my family, with my friends. I get to share that with them, I get to share it with you, I get to share it with my wife in the back, I get to share it with all of these wonderful human beings that I have spent the last 15 years of my life with. I am grateful.
:Now, tomorrow morning, I start...I start a new life. A life where I am no longer a wrestler. But that is tomorrow, and that is not tonight! And by damn, I have one more night to feel this energy, and to feel this crowd! So if I could just get one last &quot;YES!&quot; chant, I would really appreciate it!

===May 23===
:''[Ric Flair has put over Charlotte in her WWE Women's Championship title defense against Natalya at Extreme Rules]''
:'''Charlotte Flair''': You know what I remember growing up? I remember Christmases, I remember birthdays... ''[miffed at &quot;What?&quot; chant]'' If I - if you &quot;What? me one more time ''[chant]'', that's fine because Dad you know what I remember Mom saying? ''[pause]'' That Daddy's always with you. You weren't ever there, because I always had to watch you on television, but actually Dad I fully understand why you weren't there because all those years, I couldn't understand why you weren't there, you know Mom had to rub my head because I was crying, but now I get it you know why? Because I'm the WWE Women's Champion. I've never been more powerful! I've never been more confident! Dad, and now I understand, you know what it felt like to be The Man. I'm The Woman! ''[sighs]'' That's why I finally have the courage to say to you, Dad... ''[points away]'' GET OUT OF MY RING! ''[Ric is not moved]'' What, are you hard of hearing? I said, get out! ''[Ric softly asks, Why]'' Do you know what it's like to walk into a room and just say &quot;Hey look, that's Ric Flair's daughter!&quot; No, you know who you are? You're &quot;Charlotte's dad&quot;! ''[sees Flair's emotions change; mocks]'' Oh don't do this, don't do this... ''[for emphasis]'' I don't need you anymore. You're immortal to them. To me, dead. ''[shrugs off Ric appealing to her]'' Get out of my ring, I'm done with this sad story. Get out. Get out - ''[keeps distance]'' Don't take another step near me - actually you know what you can do? You can just watch me on TV, like I did the last 30 years to you. ''[teases Ric's sad face and makes palm shrug as he tries to talk to her]'' Ohh, out you go! Get out of my ring. Don't make me, don't make me do this. I don't want to embarrass you. ''[Ric gets through the ropes and leaves]''

=== June 20 ===

:'''Dean Ambrose''': Oh, boy, last night was a long night in Las Vegas, and I'm not even talking about the stuff I ''don't'' remember. There was an incident with a security guard at the Hard Rock, there was this whole Cleveland Cavaliers celebration party thing. ''[A few boos and cheers from the crowd]'' I don't know, I don't like those guys anyway, don't look at me. They were freakishly tall and it weirded me out, I don't know. I think I had my foot ran over by a cab. Oh, yeah, and this other thing happened where I had to climb a 15-foot ladder and win the Money in the Bank ladder match! I think, at some point in the night, I almost got bitten by a dog. I mean, it was a long night. Oh, yeah, and then, this other thing happened, where I cashed in my Money in the Bank contract on Seth Rollins, and I became the new WWE World Heavyweight Champion!
:You wanna talk about another guy who had a long night, Seth Rollins. He was just the right guy at the right place at the ''wrong time.'' So listen up, kiddos, Uncle Dean-o's gonna give your lesson of the week. So listen up, pay attention. What goes around, comes back around. You know what, let me give you another lesson while I'm out here pontificating and stuff, here's another lesson for you. Hard work pays off! Busting your ass, keeping your nose to the grindstone pays off! And when it pays off, baby, it pays off ''big!''
:So Seth called himself &quot;The Man,&quot; Roman called himself &quot;The Guy.&quot; I don't know, what does that make me? The Dude?
:'''Audience''': ''[chanting]'' DUDE!
:'''Dean''': Oh, I kinda like it. I don't care, you can call me whatever you want, but you call me Champion! I've been chasing this for two years, and this is the reason I kept picking myself off... picking myself up, dusting myself off, patching myself back together; this is why I kept on trucking, this is why I kept on swinging. And as I sit here with this Championship in the middle of this ring live on ''Monday Night Raw'', I can tell you, baby, it was all worth it 'cause we ain't having no hard times anymore!

== 2017 ==

=== March 6 ===

:'''Corey Graves''': I understand why Chicago likes these two. Enzo and Cass remind them of the local baseball teams. Cass is like the Cubs: it may take a hundred years, but he might be a champion. Enzo's more like the White Sox: if he ever becomes a champion, you can be guaranteed there's a scandal involved.

=== April 3 ===

:'''Roman Reigns''': This is my yard now. (people heavily boo loudly)

=== June 19===
:'''Big Cass''': ''(When asked if he attacked Enzo Amore)'' You're damn right I did it! Do you have any idea what it's like teaming up with you, Enzo? You just constantly run your mouth about God knows what every single minute of the day. You even ran your mouth to Conor McGregor. Do you know how many times I've wanted to slap you right upside your head? How many times I wanted to knock you out myself? But I didn't do it because I felt bad for you, Enzo. Because everybody behind that curtain doesn't like you, I felt bad for you, Enzo. Because everybody in the back doesn't like you, I felt bad for you, Enzo. And I put up with your crap. For years, I put up with your crap every single day until finally, I snapped. And I had to admit, it felt damn good when I attacked you from behind. You all right? And I would have snapped your little neck like a twig if I wanted to, but I didn't because I wanted to watch you suffer. For all the years of crap I had to put with in NXT! In Tampa! Here on Monday Night Raw! For all the crap I had to put up with, I wanted to watch you suffer! And when things got a little bit hot and fingers pointed in my direction, I cooled them down because I wanted to see just how smart you were. I wanted to see if you were smart enough to realize what was going on around you or if you are just as dumb as you look and I realized that you are even dumber. You are nothing more than dead weight that's holding me back from reaching my potential in the WWE! You are just dead weight holding me down when I should be rising to the top of the WWE! You're the reason I have never been a champion in WWE! I'm the star here! I'm the future! I'm where the money is! And you, your mouth just writes checks that your ass can't cash. Because Big Cass has always been behind you. Well, not for long because me and you, we are through.
:''(Big Cass attacks Enzo Amore once more with a big boot)''
:'''Big Cass''': And you can't teach ''that''.

=== October 23 ===

:'''Paul Heyman''': You know what's funny? The way you all react to the manner in which I introduce my client, Brock Lesnar, because ''someone'' has a problem with the word &quot;undisputed.&quot; Someone wants to dispute the fact that Brock Lesnar is ''the'' champion in World Wrestling Entertainment. This same someone, who's over on ''SmackDown Live'' has barely survived the title challenge of Randy Orton. This same someone has barely survived the title challenge of Shinsuke Nakamura. This same someone is sitting up at night, plotting and planning, trying to figure out how to barely survive the potential title challenge of AJ Styles. Meanwhile, right over here on the flagship show ''Monday Night Raw'', Brock Lesnar has eaten through the single most stacked heavyweight division in the history of WWE. That fact is undisputed.
:You know what else is undisputed? That we live in the age of trash-talking. Everybody wants to trash-talk, everybody wants to hurl insults, everybody wants to not give props where props are due. Everyone wants to run down their opponent, everybody wants to hurl insults at their opponents' families, everyone wants to be the king of trash-talk, brand their opponents as losers instead of box office attractions.
:You know what else is undisputed? That the king of the trash-talk is the advocate with the mic in his hand right now. And yet, despite the fact that you clamor for me to trash-talk, I don't trash-talk Brock Lesnar's opponents, and I'll tell you why. Because any man deemed worthy of stepping into the ring to ''fight'' Brock Lesnar must be a real man, must have a whole lot of merit going on behind him. I didn't trash-talk Goldberg, I praised Goldberg, and rightfully so. I didn't trash-talk Samoa Joe, I praised Samoa Joe, and rightfully so. I didn't trash-talk Braun Strowman, I praised Braun Strowman, and oh, my God, rightfully so.
:But ''you?'' Jinder Mahal? The make-believe maharaja, with the Singh-Singh-Singh-Singh singalong Brothers standing behind you doing ''my'' shtick of introducing you? Are you kidding me? You're not Brock Lesnar's equal, you're not Brock Lesnar's contemporary, you're not Brock Lesnar's counterpart on ''SmackDown Live'', you're not even a worthy pretender to the throne of being WWE Champion! When we think of WWE Champions, we think of Bruno Sammartino, Hulk Hogan, &quot;Macho Man&quot; Randy Savage, Ric Flair, Triple H, Shawn Michaels, John Cena, and, ladies and gentlemen, my client ''Brock Lesnar!'' We don't think of Jinder Mahal, a consolation prize champion offered to ''SmackDown Live'' when Shane McMahon and Daniel Bryan realized they got the shaft in the Superstar shake-up.
:And please don't think that my client is waving the flag of ''Monday Night Raw'', marching into Survivor Series to defend the honor of ''Raw'' over ''SmackDown'' in the name of brand supremacy. Ladies and gentlemen, there is no battle for brand supremacy. Any brand that brags Brock Lesnar—say that three times fast—the brand that brags Brock Lesnar is the #1 brand. The brand that brags Brock Lesnar is the supreme brand. The brand that brags Brock Lesnar is the flagship brand with the #1 champion, the place to be in World Wrestling Entertainment. That's undisputed. And because Jinder Mahal disputes that fact, Jinder Mahal, at Survivor Series, you're going to Suplex City.

== 2018 ==

=== October 22 ===

:'''Roman Reigns''': I feel like... I feel like I owe everyone an apology. For months, maybe even a full year, I've come out here and spoke as Roman Reigns, and I said a lot of things, you know. I said that I'd be here every single week, I said I'd be a fightin' champion, I said I was gonna be consistent, and I said I was gonna be a workhorse, but...that's all lies. It's a lie because the reality is, my real name is Joe, and I've been living with leukemia for 11 years. And unfortunately, it's back. And because the leukemia is back, I cannot fulfill my role, I can't be that fightin' champion, and I'm gonna have to relinquish the Universal Championship.
:And I'm not gonna lie, I'll take every prayer you send my way, but I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm not looking for you to feel bad for me, because I have faith. When I was 22 years old, I was diagnosed with this, and very quickly, I was able to put in in remission. But I'm not gonna lie, that was the hardest time of my life. I didn't have a job, I didn't have any money, I didn't have a home, and I had a baby on the way, and football was done with me.
:But you wanna know who gave me a chance? The team that gave me a chance was the WWE. And when I finally made it to the main roster and I was on the road, they put me in front of all of you, the WWE Universe. And to be honest, y'all have made my dreams come true. And it didn't matter if you cheered me, it didn't matter if you booed me. You've always reacted to me, and that is the most important thing, and for that, I have to say thank you so much.
:'''Audience''': ''[chanting] THANK YOU, ROMAN!''
:'''Roman''': Thank you. But you all know the deal. You all know how life is. Life is not fair, it's not all peaches and cream. Sometimes life throws you a curve ball. And right now, the best thing for me to do is to go home, to focus on my family and my health.
:But I wanna make one thing clear. By no means is this a retirement speech. ''[The audience cheers]'' Because after I'm done whoopin' leukemia's ass once again, I'm coming back home. And when I do, it's not just be about titles and being on top. No, it's about a purpose. I'm coming back because I want to show all of you, the whole world, I wanna show my family, my friends, my children, and my wife that when life throws a curve ball at me, I am the type of man that will stand in that batter's box, I will crowd the plate, I will choke up, and I will swing for the fences every single time! Because I will beat this, and I will be back, so you will see me very, very soon. Once again, thank you so much, God bless you, and I love you. Believe that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Paul Heyman''': Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and tonight, my thoughts and my prayers are with the champion of a man you know as Roman Reigns. It is humbling to me amongst the members of that locker room tonight and to have been in the presence of such courage and such greatness. And when I go home tonight and I have to explain this all to my children, what I want my children to understand about this show, this presentation, this business, this industry that we all love is, what you witnessed tonight, as much as you witnessed that courage, what you witnessed was sacrifice. Because what Roman Reigns did tonight was, he sacrificed his career aspirations because, as he said, he couldn't fulfill the obligations of being the Universal Champion, because to everyone that walks through that locker room, the title deserves the best that any champion has to offer it.
:You, as the WWE Universe, the WWE fanbase, those who take pride in WWE have the right to point to the Universal Champion and say, that's the best, that is everything this presentation, this show, this industry has to offer. That's #1. And until 8:05 PM, Eastern Time tonight, we had the right to brag that the very best, the #1 was the Universal Champion.
:So now, what do we do? Roman Reigns does not want the title to stop because he can no longer defend it. Roman Reigns is the first person to tell you the show must go on, and so it does. At Crown Jewel, Brock Lesnar vs. Braun Strowman, and only one can say, &quot;I'm the one that carries on the legacy that Roman Reigns brought to this ring tonight. I'm the one that's worthy of the prestige of being the champion. I'm the one that's worthy of the honor of being the champion. I'm the one that's worthy of ''being'' the champion,&quot; and that sure as hell ain't Braun Strowman! There's only one being in this match at Crown Jewel that's worthy of the honor of being your champion, worthy of the dignity of being your champion, worthy of walking into the Octagon and laying that title down in front of the sports universe and saying, &quot;I am the best WWE has to offer, I'm the Universal Champion, and my name is ''Brock Lesnar!''&quot;
:So Braun Strowman can walk around all that he wants and bill himself as a monster! My client Brock Lesnar doesn't ''bill'' himself as a beast. He's not a man, he ''is'' a beast! And Braun Strowman, you're not in Brock Lesnar's league. You're not in Brock Lesnar's category. You're not in Brock Lesnar's stratosphere. Braun Strowman, you can't compare to Brock Lesnar! You're not even a member of the same species as Brock Lesnar!

== 2019 ==

=== January 29 ===

:'''Becky Lynch''': Look at this. The Man is back on ''Raw''. Ronnie, I told you I'd find a way back to you again. Now, for about a year now, I've been hearing about this &quot;baddest woman on the planet,&quot; but the last time I came to your show, I dropped you right...''[points down to the left]'' there. And even after that, you never came looking for me to prove that you're the baddest. So, Ronnie, I've come looking for you to prove you're not.
:'''Audience''': ''[chanting]'' BECKY!
:'''Becky''': And you've heard about this, but last night, I won the Royal Rumble match. And unlike Seth Rollins, I don't need much time to think. I choose you.
:'''Michael Cole''': Oh yeah!
:'''Audience''': ''[chanting]'' YES!
:'''Becky''': And at WrestleMania, I am going to break your mystique, I am going to take your title, and I am gonna kick your ass in front of the whole world.
:'''Audience''': ''[chanting, as Ronda Rousey motions for a mic]'' KICK HER ASS!
:'''Ronda Rousey''': I want the whole world to hear this. First off, how's your leg? Huh? 'Cause unlike you, I want my opponent to be looking me in the eye and primed to fight. I don't just want to beat you, I want to beat the best version of Becky Lynch that has ever existed.
:And let's just be completely honest, shall we? You, me, and everyone else here knows that I can re-break your face faster than you can say, &quot;Nia Jax.&quot; In fact, you, me, and everyone else here knows that I have the ability to kill you with my bare hands without even breaking a sweat, and the only thing stopping me is my decision not to.
:You know what, Becky? I just realized that we are the same age. That means while you were training, I was main-eventing in a sport that didn't even want women in it at all, let alone in the main event. And last year, while you were in the... the kickoff show for WrestleMania, I stole the show in my debut! How long have you been The Man, Becky? Because I've been a household name for a decade.
:You gotta learn something here, honey. Any ring I step into is mine, I own the ground under my feet, and I'm gonna own you at WrestleMania!
:'''Michael''': Oh, yeah! Can WrestleMania happen tomorrow?!
:'''Corey Graves''': Seriously, I am ready to see these two women throw down on the grandest stage of them all! Let me tell you This will be the best match in wrestlemania

=== February 25 ===

:'''Batista''': ''[drags Ric Flair out of his locker room]'' Hey Hunter, do I have your attention now? ''[takes off sunglasses]'' HUH!?

=== April 8 ===

:'''Sami Zayn''': You know, I... I... I really thought coming out here tonight would cure what ails me. All it did was reinforce what I've realized over the past nine months. It genuinely seems like you miss me. I can honestly say from the bottom of my heart, I honestly did not miss any of this or any one of you. Yeah, so it turns out WWE is a super, like, toxic environment. ''[Sarcastic laugh]'' It's not because of the McMahons, and it ain't because of the other WWE Superstars, it's because of this audience and your ugliness!
:Let me be honest. I live a very meaningful and fulfilled life; I'm quite happy. But your lives seem so empty and so devoid of any kind of meaning that the only joy you get, it's not even from coming out and enjoying the shows as fans. You only get joy and satisfaction out of being critics. ''[Mocking laugh]'' You wanna know why that is, moron? You wanna know why? It's 'cause it's the only thing that gives you any sort of sense of self-importance. You judge everyone and everything except yourselves. You wanna know why that is? It's 'cause none of you have the balls to look inside yourself 'cause you know the ugliness and the cynicism that lives inside of you. You're so bloody delusional, it's hilarious.
:You really think you guys are, like, the voice of reason? You really think you guys are, like, the ''[mocking] voices that should be heard. Hear me roar!'' No. Seemingly overnight, you have become the evil overlords of WWE. Sami Zayn has been about one thing his entire career and his entire life, and that is doing what is right. And now, the right thing to do isn't to come back and ''[fake heroic] save WWE'', and it's not to come over and take over the WWE. The right thing to do is to come out here every single week and hold each and every single one of you accountable because nobody else will. See you in Hell.

=== May 27 ===

:'''Seth Rollins''': Let me explain something to you. See this right here? ''[Points to the WWE Universal Championship]'' This is my life, Lesnar. Yeah, I see that. Shut your mouth. This is my life, this is what I work for every single day, what I sacrifice for every single day, and you come out here and you make a mockery out of it. And not because you walk out here with your stupid little beat box. No. You make a mockery out of it because you are a joke. Yeah. That's not the joke, you're the joke, and I'm not afraid of you. I stomped your head into the mat at WrestleMania, and I can do it again right here, right now.
:Yeah, you used to be the most feared man in combat sports history, and look at you. You're a coward hiding behind Paul Heyman. The shell of what you used to be. You want a chance to prove me wrong, Lesnar? ''[Points to the Money in the Bank briefcase]'' There's your chance. There's your chance, Lesnar. Cash it in! Cash it in! Cash it in! Cash it in!
:'''Paul Heyman''': ''[referring to the Money in the Bank contract]'' [[w:John Cone|Mr. Cone]], page 8, paragraph 27, section B: &quot;the parties mutually agree that the winner of the 2019 Money in the Bank contract, in his sole discretion&quot;—that's Brock Lesnar—&quot;picks the time and the place to challenge for either the WWE or Universal Heavyweight Championship. The aforementioned challenge shall take place at any time, with no notice, to either champion, on or by the expiration of this agreement, one year after 2019 Money in the Bank pay-per-view event. Therefore, before May 19, 2020, said challenger Brock Lesnar...&quot;
:''[Brock cups the mic, stopping Paul's recitation. He looks at the contract.]''
:'''Brock''': I got a year?
:'''Paul''': Yeah!
:'''Brock''': To cash in.
:'''Paul''': A year! ''[Pissed, Brock smacks Paul with the contract]'' Didn't you know?!
:'''Brock''': No, I didn't know!
:'''Paul''': How could you not know?! You have to make a decision!
:'''Brock''': ''[to Seth]'' I got a whole year! And I gotta make a decision now? Seth Rollins, screw...you.

== 2020 ==

=== May 11 ===

:'''Becky Lynch''': Tonight is... is no ordinary night for me. I'm torn between joy and sadness 'cause I'm... I'm at a place in my life where things are about to change, and I needed to do something about it. So I asked the decision makers to raise the stakes for the Money In The Bank ladder match, and they did just that.
:But before I get to that... I walked in through these very doors in 2013, and I didn't know anybody in this country, and I didn't know if I was good enough to be here. ''[She starts to tear up]'' And I didn't know if anybody would care about a loudmouthed Irish woman who loved puns and toast. But somewhere along the line, I... I learned that they did care, and they cared so much that they put me on their shoulders, and they carried me into history, and I will never forget that.
:Through injury and triumph, it was the fans who stood up for me, who had my back, and it was the fans who I grabbed onto when I didn't have anybody else. And that is why it's the fans, it's you at home that deserve to hear this from me first: that I have to go away for awhile.
:''[Asuka's music hits, and she charges to the ring berating Becky in Japanese]''
:'''Becky''': ''[on the Money In The Bank briefcase sitting on a table in the ring]'' It is yours, you're right. Asuka, you have beaten me when nobody else could. You have been the best wrestler in the world for a long time, and this is why I am so glad that this is happening to you. 'Cause the match last night, it wasn't what you thought it was. It wasn't for an opportunity to win the championship. It was for so much more. And I know you haven't been able to unlock this 'cause there's a combination. ''[She opens the briefcase, revealing the Raw Women's Championship]'' The match last night was actually for the Raw Women's Championship. Now, I can't fight anymore, but you can. You are the champion.
:'''Asuka''': I'm the champion?
:'''Becky''': You're the champion.
:'''Asuka''': I'm the champion!
:''[She takes the title and runs excitedly all over the Performance Center, even dancing on the announcers' table, and makes her way back to the ring]''
:'''Becky''': You are the champion, and as happy as you are to be the champion, I might be a little bit happier. So you go and be a warrior 'cause I'm gonna go be a mother.
:'''Asuka''': ''[genuinely surprised]'' &quot;Be a mother&quot;? You're gonna be a mother? ''[She hugs Becky]'' Oh, congratulations! Really?! YEAH!!! BECKY! BECKY! BECKY! BECKY! I'm so happy for you.

== 2022 ==

=== January 3 ===

:'''Brock Lesnar''': Before we get this party started tonight, I'd like to give a big shout-out to my good buddy Roman Reigns. He's probably sitting at home, more than likely, tuned in to ''Monday Night Raw'', tuned in to the ''new'' WWE Heavyweight Champion, the ''real'' champion, ''BROCK LESNAR!!!'' Get well soon, buddy. Now...South Carolina...acknowledge me.
:''[turns to Paul Heyman]'' I would like to acknowledge my advocate for advocating my free agency, for advocating all the strings you pulled Saturday to make...to help make me the WWE Champion. Paul, thank you.
:'''Paul Heyman''': If you think it's interesting out here, you should see the things that go on behind the scenes in WWE, like when I negotiated for Brock Lesnar to be a free agent—allegedly did that in advance. And then Saturday at Day 1, when Brock Lesnar showed up looking to win a title from a champion, and one champion simply could not make it, but the other champion... the other champion was in a Fatal 4-Way. And what... what's better than a Fatal 4-Way, than a Fatal 5-Way featuring Brock Lesnar! So all the behind-the-scenes machination, and the strings were pulled, and Brock Lesnar gets to enter the Fatal 5-Way.
:And now, what does Brock Lesnar do as ''your'' WWE Heavyweight Champion? Well, he concentrates not only on reigning, but defending. So at the Royal Rumble, Brock Lesnar will defend the championship against the winner of the originally scheduled Fatal 4-Way, which takes place tonight right here in this very ring. Let's run down the challengers, shall we.
:First, there's Seth Rollins and Kevin Owens, and you have to lump them in together because they are a team. They're a team, and in a match where every man is for himself, these two figured out to be jackals, to be hyenas, to go after the lions of the jungle, because then if they win it together, they have to figure it out. It's up to WWE, and screw management as far as they are concerned. And it's a smart thing for someone who's pretty damn dumb like Seth Rollins. 'Cause Seth Rollins likes to tell everybody that he's a visionary, and he's too stupid to realize that he's not a visionary, 'cause if he had a vision for the future, he'd realize that [[w:Becky Lynch|his wife]] is going to leave him if he doesn't beat Brock Lesnar for the WWE Title...and he can't! So who's she gonna leave him for? Well, I don't know, but it sure as hell won't be Kevin Owens 'cause Kevin Owens can't beat Brock Lesnar for the WWE Title either. Maybe the two of them should ask to be traded to ''SmackDown'' 'cause I understand there's a certain &quot;tribal chief&quot; who's a little vulnerable without his special counsel nowadays.
:Oh, don't go &quot;ooh!&quot; It's a historical fact. Want me to prove it to you? One week without me as special counsel, Roman Reigns already has COVID! Yeah, you can get over the Rona, but karma can be really bitchy!
:Speaking of bitchy, let's talk about MVP. Actually, let's ''not'' talk about MVP, since nobody else does anyway. Let's talk, however, about Bobby Lashley. There's a worthy challenger. Brock Lesnar has never met Bobby Lashley, there's a historical fact. Brock Lesnar never ran into Bobby Lashley in the back, they never shook hands, they never say hello to each other. It's like the two were avoiding each other, which I know is not the case 'cause neither one avoids anything or anybody in life. The first time Bobby Lashley and Brock Lesnar met, Bobby Lashley speared Brock Lesnar through that wall. The second time Brock Lesnar and Bobby Lashley met, in the very same match 48 hours ago, Brock Lesnar hit an F-5 on everybody in the match with the exception of Bobby Lashley, who speared Brock Lesnar and damn near pinned him. The third time Bobby Lashley and Brock Lesnar met, in the same match 48 hours ago, Bobby Lashley put Brock Lesnar in the Hurt Lock. And I've said this to Brock Lesnar's face, it didn't look like Brock Lesnar was going to get out. This is all a testament to how damn good Bobby Lashley is. Except, on all three of these occasions, Bobby Lashley was hitting Brock Lesnar from a blind side or behind. So if Bobby Lashley wins tonight, and he faces Brock Lesnar at the Royal Rumble, he's gonna have to face Brock Lesnar face-to-face, and that is a whole different story. The story between jackin' someone from behind, and just going down in history as the Almighty Brock Lesnar Wannabe.
:There's one more man in the match tonight. He's the odds-on favorite, he's the former champion, and it's Big E. We have nothing bad to say... ''[off a fan's cheer]'' yeah, he deserves your applause. ''That'' is a great champion. Big E did WWE justice. Big E is a credit to World Wrestling Entertainment, to the company, to the audience, to the WWE Universe and the viewers at home, to the people live here tonight, to the lineage of the WWE Title! Big E is all that and more, and he would still be WWE Champion if he didn't have to step into the ring with Brock Lesnar. We have nothing but respect and admiration for Big E. So if Big E wins tonight and he gets the rematch at the Royal Rumble, sir, it will be an absolute honor to witness that match. You're gonna lose, which is no shame, but it would still be an honor to watch you lose to the greatest WWE Champion of all time, the winner of the Fatal 4-Way-- the winner of the Fatal 5-Way, excuse me, and your new REIGNING, DEFENDING, UNDISPUTED WWE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD, BROCK LESNAR!!!

=== April 4 ===

:'''Cody Rhodes''': So, what do you guys want to talk about? It has been 47 days since the abrupt news that I was a free agent. Amongst that, I chose to remain silent, and I heard stories, defamatory whispers, theories that surmised to be nonsense. Everyone thinks the decision to return to WWE was difficult. It was not. It was simple, really. The star that left them in the dust. The man standing here now, having signed a multi-year agreement with World Wrestling Entertainment. And if there was...
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' YOU DESERVE IT!
:'''Cody''': If there was a glimmer of doubt, a shred of trepidation, the moment I rose up in front of 70-something thousand fans, the moment I made the walk at a WrestleMania and defeated one of the best superstar wrestlers in any era, that being Seth Rollins, that doubt was eradicated. I’m an avid reader, and I stumbled across this quote. It said, [[Jean de La Fontaine|&quot;a man often finds his destiny on the path he takes to avoid it.&quot;]] So, if you’ll humor me, let’s all take a look at the Tron, if you will.
:''[On the TitanTron is a picture of Dusty Rhodes holding high the WWWF Championship. The crowd chants &quot;DUSTY!&quot;]''
:'''Cody''': Right there is my father, &quot;The American Dream&quot; Dusty Rhodes. It’s so simple to say, that’s my father, but in reality, yeah, he's a legend. Yeah, he's the son of a plumber, he's a common man. He’s all those things. To me, he was my hero. This photo was taken in 1977, at Madison Square Garden. That very photo right there, he is holding the championship belt that eventually Hulk Hogan would get his hands on, the Undertaker would get his hands on, the Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels. Oh, and Triple H, too. And many other greats. I'm gonna tell you a quick story which made this all very simple to me. This photo, this very photo, was on the mantle in my parents' bedroom until my dad's last day. And as I got hip to the industry, I worked up a little courage, and I remember I asked him, and I worded it very poorly. I said, &quot;I didn’t know that you were a champion like Hulk Hogan.&quot; And he looked at me with the same eyes that Liberty has, and he said, very stern and very patiently, he explained to me the champion's advantage. He said that he had won the match, but because it was by countout, he did not take home the championship belt.
:So, I'm 8 years old. What’s a boy to do? Right then and there, at 8 years old, I knew not what I wanted to do, what I ''needed'' to do. I was going to win this championship belt right here! I was going to place it, I was going to bestow it into the hands of The American Dream, Dusty Rhodes and tell him, &quot;nobody can take it away from you now.&quot; And there are many here tonight who have followed my journey, but for those who are new to it, unfortunately, that dream died. It died right in front of me. That opportunity passed. That opportunity passed, or did it? Yes, I cannot physically put that title belt into my father's hands. I cannot bestow it upon The American Dream, Dusty Rhodes, but I certainly can put it around the waist of The American Nightmare.
:'''Crowd''': ''[chant]'' YOU CAN DO IT!
:'''Cody''': With that in mind, the silence is broken, my intentions are clear. I've made them clear to all of you here. I stand before you, ready, finally ready. And I'm going to do it. I'm going to give the distinction that my family has long since been denied, and I'm going to do it for you, I'm going to do it for me, I'm going to do it for my family, and I am going to do it for The American Dream, Dusty Rhodes.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Roman Reigns''': Wise Man, why don't you go ahead and explain the Bloodline's success.
:'''Paul Heyman''': The single longest-reigning tag team champions in the history of ''SmackDown!'', the Usos! The largest box office receipts in the history of SummerSlam; who was in the main event? Roman Reigns! The largest box office receipts in the history of Survivor Series; who was in the main event? Roman Reigns! The first billion-dollar-grossing year in the history of sports entertainment; who was on top as the main star all 365 days of that year?! ''[The crowd starts answering]'' Romain Reigns! The single biggest, largest-grossing box office in the history of the Royal Rumble; who was on top? Roman Reigns. The largest crowds in the history of WrestleMania Weekend, 58% increase on Peacock from last year, and the largest-grossing commerce facilitator in the history of WrestleMania; who was on top? ''[with the crowd]'' Roman Reigns!
:Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you your Tribal Chief, the Head of the Table, the single biggest star in sports entertainment, undisputed Roman Reigns.
:'''Roman''': Wise Man always has this saying, it's, &quot;what's good for Roman Reigns, is good for WWE.&quot; And it's no secret. With me at the head of the table, the billion dollar deals are coming ''easy.'' And that's because I'm the last needle mover. And I'm the last needle mover because I am constantly operating at God Mode. But you see, your Tribal Chief is so much more than all that. I'm a man of my word. I called my shot, and I delivered! I said I was gonna smash Brock Lesnar, and what did I do? Smashed him!
:But you see, that's the past now. Other men, they'd hang their hat on this weekend, but that's not who I am, because we're never content. I'm a progressive Tribal Chief, and I'm constantly moving forward. So this Friday on ''SmackDown'', we're gonna let y'all know what the next step is. But until then, Dallas, Texas...acknowledge me!

==External links==
{{wikipedia|WWE Raw}}

[[Category:Current shows]]
[[Category:USA shows]]
[[Category:WWE]]
[[Category:American sports TV shows]]
[[Category:Paramount Network shows]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>NYPD Blue</title>
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----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[NYPD Blue (season 1)|1]] [[NYPD Blue (season 2)|2]] | [[NYPD Blue|Main]]
----
'''''[[w:NYPD Blue|NYPD Blue]]''''' (1993–2005) was an American TV show airing on [[w:ABC|ABC]], set in New York City, exploring the internal and external struggles of the fictional 15th precinct of Manhattan. The show was created by [[w:Steven Bochco|Steven Bochco]] and [[w:David Milch|David Milch]] and inspired by Milch's relationship with [[w:Bill Clark|Bill Clark]], a former member of the [[w:New York City Police Department|New York City Police Department]] who eventually became one of the show's producers.

== Seasons ==
::[[NYPD Blue (season 1)|Season 1]]
::[[NYPD Blue (season 2)|Season 2]]

== Cast ==
* [[w:Dennis Franz|Dennis Franz]] - [[w:Andy Sipowicz|Andy Sipowicz]]
* [[w:David Caruso|David Caruso]] - [[w:John Kelly (NYPD Blue)|John Kelly]]	1993–1994 	
* [[w:Jimmy Smits|Jimmy Smits]] - [[w:Bobby Simone|Bobby Simone]] 1994–1998, 2004 	
* [[w:Rick Schroder|Rick Schroder]] - [[w:Danny Sorenson|Danny Sorenson]] 1998–2001 	
* [[w:Mark-Paul Gosselaar|Mark-Paul Gosselaar]] - [[w:John Clark, Jr.|John Clark]] 2001–2005 	
* [[w:Kim Delaney|Kim Delaney]] - [[w:Diane Russell|Diane Russell]] 1995–2003 	
* [[w:Gordon Clapp|Gordon Clapp]] - [[w:Greg Medavoy|Greg Medavoy]] 1993–2005 	
* [[w:Henry Simmons|Henry Simmons]] - [[w:Baldwin Jones|Baldwin Jones]] 2000–2005 	
* [[w:Bill Brochtrup|Bill Brochtrup]] - [[w:John Irvin (NYPD Blue)|John Irvin]] 1995–2005 	
* [[w:James McDaniel|James McDaniel]] - [[w:Arthur Fancy|Arthur Fancy]] 1993–2001 	
* [[w:Nicholas Turturro|Nicholas Turturro]] - [[w:James Martinez|James Martinez]] 1993–2000 	
* [[w:Sharon Lawrence|Sharon Lawrence]] - [[w:Sylvia Costas|Sylvia Costas]] 1993–1999, 2005 	
* [[w:Esai Morales|Esai Morales]] - [[w:Tony Rodriguez|Tony Rodriguez]] 2001–2004 	
* [[w:Amy Brenneman|Amy Brenneman]] - [[w:Janice Licalsi|Janice Licalsi]] 1993–1994 	
* [[w:Currie Graham|Currie Graham]] - [[w:Lt. Thomas Bale|Thomas Bale]] 2004–2005 	
* [[w:Bonnie Somerville|Bonnie Somerville]] - [[w:Laura Murphy|Laura Murphy]] 2004–2005 	
* [[w:Sherry Stringfield|Sherry Stringfield]] - [[w:Laura Michaels|Laura Michaels]] 1993–1994 	
* [[w:John F. O'Donohue|John F. O'Donohue]] - Eddie Gibson 1994–2004 	
* [[w:Jacqueline Obradors|Jacqueline Obradors]] - Rita Ortiz 2001–2005 	
* [[w:Garcelle Beauvais|Garcelle Beauvais]] - Valerie Haywood 2001–2004 	
* [[Charlotte Ross]] - Connie McDowell 2001–2004 	
* [[w:Justine Miceli|Justine Miceli]] - Adrienne Lesniak 1994–1996 	
* [[w:Andrea Thompson|Andrea Thompson]] - Jill Kirkendall 1996–2000 	
* [[w:Gail O'Grady|Gail O'Grady]] - Donna Abandando 1993–1996

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} 
* {{imdb title|0106079|NYPD Blue}}

[[Category:ABC shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:1990s American crime drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American crime drama TV shows]]
[[Category:1990s American mystery TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American mystery TV shows]]
[[Category:1990s American police procedural TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American police procedural TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American police procedural TV shows]]
[[Category:1990s American workplace drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American workplace drama TV shows]]
[[Category:Detective TV shows]]</text>
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    <title>Hell On Wheels (TV series)</title>
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    <id>131574</id>
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'''''[[w:Hell on Wheels (TV series)|Hell On Wheels]]''''' (2011–2016) is a television series, airing on the AMC cable channel about a former Civil War Confederate soldier, who works as a foreman on the railroad, as he tries to track down the Union soldiers who murdered his wife.
__TOC__

== Season 1 ==
=== ''Pilot'' [1.01] ===
:'''Thomas 'Doc' Durant''': Blood will be spilled. Lives will be lost. Fortunes will be made. Men will be ruined.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cullen Bohannon''': Tell me about Meridian, Mississippi.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sean McGinnes''': Do you not believe in a higher power?
:'''Cullen''': Yes, sir. I wear it on my hip.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daniel Johnson''': You released your slaves and still fought in the war. Why?
:'''Cullen''': Honor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cullen''': You've got to let go of the past.
:'''Elam Ferguson''': Have ''you'' let it go?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Durant''': Is it a villain you want? I'll play the part. After all, what is a drama without a villain? What is the building of this grand road if not a drama? This business is not for the weak of heart. It is a thorny, brutal affair that rewards the lion for his ferocity. But what of the zebra? What of the poor zebra? Well, the zebra's eaten, as the zebra should be. Make no mistake, blood will be spilled, lives will be lost, fortunes will be made, men will be ruined. There will be betrayal and scandals, and perfidy of epic proportions, but the lion - shall - prevail! You see, the secret I know is this. All of history is driven by the lion. We drag the poor zebra, kicking and braying, staining the earth with its cheap blood. History doesn't remember us fondly, but then history is written by the zebra for the zebra. One hundred years hence, when this railroad spans the continent, and America rises to be the greatest power the world has seen, I will be remembered as a caitiff, a malefactor, who only operated out of greed for personal gain. All true, all true, but remember this: without me and men like me, your glorious railroad would never be built.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia|Hell on Wheels (TV series)}}
* {{imdb title|2037275|Pilot}}
* [http://www.amctv.com/shows/hell-on-wheels/ Hell On Wheels, AMC.]

[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:2010s American LGBT-related drama TV shows]]
[[Category:AMC shows]]</text>
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    <title>The Lorax (2012 film)</title>
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'''''[[w:The Lorax (film)|The Lorax]]''''' (also known as '''''Dr. Seuss' The Lorax''''') is a 2012 American [[w:computer animation|computer-animated]] [[w:List of 3-D films|3D]] [[w:musical film|musical]] [[w:comedy film|comedy film]] based on [[Dr. Seuss]]' [[w:children's book|children's book]] [[w:The Lorax|of the same name]]. The film stars {{w|Zac Efron}}, {{w|Ed Helms}}, and {{w|Danny DeVito}}. It was produced by {{w|Illumination Entertainment}} and was released by {{w|Universal Pictures}} on March 2, 2012, what would have been the 108th birthday of Seuss, who died at age 87 in the year 1991. To be clear, any quotes from the film version that are not taken directly from the book may not have been written by Dr. Seuss.

:''Directed by Chris Renaud. Screenplay by Cinco Paul and Ken Daurio. Produced by Chris Meledandri and Janet Healy.''

== The Lorax ==
* I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees.
* Who taught you guys how to steal a bed?
* ''[notices Pipsqueak on the Once-ler’s bed]'' You gotta be kidding me. ''[to another Bar-ba-loot]'' Can he swim? ''[the Bar-ba-loot shakes his head]'' Of course he can't swim! Hang on, Pipsqueak! I'm comin' to get ya!
* ''[after seeing Pipsqueak take and eat a truffula fruit]'' Ugh, bar-ba-loots.
* ''[To the Once-ler]'' A tree falls in the way it leans. Be careful which way you lean.

== Ted ==
* ''[referring to Audrey; to The Once-ler]'' Hey, she is not some girlǃ She's a woman… in high school… and she loves trees, and I'm gonna get her one.
* I am Ted Wiggins, and I speak for the trees. And the fact is, things aren't perfect here in Thneedville! And they're only gonna get worse unless we do something about it! Unless we change our ways, we can start by planting ''this''! ''[holds up the truffula seed]''

== Audrey ==
* ''[Referring to her mural]'' Those are trees. ''Real ones.'' They used to grow all around here. And people said that the touch of their tufts was softer than anything, even silk. And they smelled like butterfly milk.
* What I want more than anything in the whole world is to see a real living tree, growing in my backyard.

== The Once-ler ==
* ''[He puts on a pair of work gloves and grabs a large axe]'' Alright, here we go. About to make a Thneed, about to change the world.
* Check it out, guys. ''[looks around, noticing all of the animals are gone]'' Where did everybody go? ''[shrugs, then grabs the tree by the trunk and drags it away toward his cottage]''
* Little did I know that by chopping down that tree I had just summoned a mystical creature as old as time itself. The legendary, slightly annoying guardian of the forest. The Lorax.
* ''[admiring his first thneed]'' Now that's a thneed! Nothing unmanly about knitting. No sir!
* Oh, yeah! We're in business, baby! ''[closing Everybody Needs a Thneed]'' Mom? Hey, it's me! I told you I was going to be a success! You need to bring the whole family here right now. We're going to be rich! What? I'm going to need all the help I can get. Don't worry.
* ''[closing How Bad Can I Be]'' All the customers are buying, and the money's multiplying, and the PR people are lying, ''[A Thneed is thrown on the Lorax as a picture is taken. A billboard featuring the picture reads &quot;Lorax Approved&quot;]'' and the lawyers are denying. Who cares if a few trees are dying? This is all so gratifying! How bad, how bad can this possibly be?!
* ''[To Ted]'' Because Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better... It's not.
* ''[To Ted; referring to the last Truffula seed]'' Change the way things are. I know it may seem small and insignificant, but it's not about what it is, it's about what it can become. That's not just a seed... any more than you're just a boy.
* ''[opens the window for the first time as he hears the city singing &quot;Let it Grow&quot; and is on the verge of tears]'' Thank you, Ted.

== Mr. O'Hare ==
* ''[reffering to Ted]'' What?! Why is he leaving town? '''NO ONE EVER LEAVES TOWN!''' See what he's up to.
* You listen to me, boy. Don't go poking around in things you don't understand, or I'll be your worst nightmare. I'm Frankenstein's head on a spider's body!
* You've got a beautiful town here, Ted. Lots of fun stuff to occupy your short attention span. I can't think of any reason you'd ever wanna go outside of town again. Ever.
* Nobody beats Aloysius O'Hare! ''[the elevator shuts]'' What?! ''[grunts &quot;Damn it!&quot;]''
* Bring it on, Teddy! You don't have the guts!
* ''[going after Ted and his girlfriend and grandma after the Truffula seed, through a megaphone]'' '''YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS, BOY! BANG!'''
* ''[last words as he sings &quot;Let It Die&quot;]'' C'mon, who's with me, huh?

== Dialogue ==
:'''Ted''': So, anyway, let's just say, I need a tree. Where would I go? What do I do?
:'''Grammy Norma''': Oh, then you know what? You'd need to find the Once-ler.
:'''Ted''': The what?
:'''Bernice Wiggins''': Mom, it's not really the time for one of your, you know, magical fables, OK?
:'''Grammy Norma''': ''[laughs]'' That's right, I forgot. I'm old, and can't even remember to put my teeth in!
:'''Bernice''': Stand down. That's not what I meant.
:'''Grammy Norma''': No, really, I forgot my teeth. Would you be a dear and go get them for me?
:'''Bernice''': ''[sighs]'' Sure, Mom.
:'''Grammy Norma''': Okay, here the deal. The Once-ler's the man who knows what happened to the trees. If you want one, you need to find him.
:'''Ted''': The Once-ler?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ted gets pulled up by a rope and pulley to the second floor window where the Once-ler confronts him angrily.]''
:'''Once-ler''': Who are you? Who are you and what are you doing here?!
:'''Ted''': I'm Ted. I'm Ted. I can't breathe. Are you the Once-ler? Oh, man. 
:'''Once-ler''': Didn't you read the signs? No one is supposed to come here. Get out of here and leave me alone! And don't let the boot hit you on the way out.
:'''Ted''': The boot? ''[gets kicked by said boot from behind]'' Whoa, hello! Ow! Listen! People say that if someone brings you this stuff that you will tell them about trees. ''[gets grabbed again]'' No, no, no!
:'''Once-ler''': Trees?
:'''Ted''': Yeah, real ones. You know, that grow out of the ground? ''[pause]'' Hello?
:'''Once-ler''': Sorry, it's just... Well, I didn't think anyone still cared about trees.
:'''Ted''': Well, that's me. The guy who still cares. I'm here. ''[gets put back down]'' Hey! What? Whoa!
:'''The Once-ler''': You wanna know about trees, about what happened to them, (and) why they're all gone? ''[softly]'' {{small|It's because of me.}}
:'''Ted''': Wait, what? ''[A Whisper-ma-Phone chutes down to him. He leans in to hear.]''
:'''Once-ler''': ''[shouts] &lt;big&gt;'''IT'S BECAUSE OF ME!'''&lt;/big&gt; [Ted coughs]'' And my invention, the Thneed. It was an amazing product that could do the job of 1,000.
:'''Ted''': All right. Sounds ridiculous, but I mean, that's cool. 
:'''Once-ler''': You're darn right it was cool! ''[starting to explain what happened to the trees]'' It all started a long time ago.
:'''Ted''': Can we start not so long ago, maybe?
:'''Once-ler''': Do you want a tree?
:'''Ted''': Yes, yes. (Go on.)
:'''Once-ler''': Then it all started a long, &lt;big&gt;''long''&lt;/big&gt; time ago. ''[scene flashes back to the Once-ler as a young man]'' I was a young man leaving home.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ted''': ''[interrupting the story]'' Hey, hey, hey. Wait a minute.
:'''Once-ler''': Excuse me?
:'''Ted''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah. That's awesome. You know, feeding junk food to forest animals? That's great. But, uh, is there a musical number where you show me how to get a tree? 'Cause I'd love to hear that one.
:'''Once-ler''': Oh, yes. Right after the musical number about the kid who kept interrupting the story and was never heard from ever again. Hmm?
:'''Ted''': Right. Got it. Proceed.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Lorax''':  ''[first meeting the Once-ler]'' Hey!
:''[The Once-ler shrieks and falls backwards]''
:'''The Lorax''': Did you chop down this tree?
:'''Once-ler''': Uh, no. Who did it? ''[gasps]'' What's that?! ''[the Lorax looks back and Once-ler drops his axe on Pipsqueak the Bar-ba-loot, blaming him]'' I think he did it.
:'''The Lorax''': ''[growls]'' Leave! Vacate the premises! Take your axe and get out! 
:'''The Once-ler''': And who are you? ''[pokes the Lorax]''
:'''The Lorax''': Hey, hey! I'm the Lorax, guardian of the forest. I speak for the trees. ''[The Once-ler stares at him]'' So you're telling me that you didn't see me magically appear out of that stump, with all the lightning and thunder and stuff. You didn't see any of that?
:'''The Once-ler''': No, but that sounds amazing. Can I see some of that?
:'''The Lorax''': Uh, yeah. I could show you, but that's not how it works.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[condescending]'' OK, um... Didn’t really happen. Oh, I know what you want! ''[pokes Lorax’s nose, He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a Marshmallow. Holds it out.]'' ''[baby talk]'' I’ve got one of these for the cutest little guy I ever saw. Yummy-yummy-yummy... ''[The Lorax stares at the marshmallow]''
:'''The Lorax''': How dare you! Give me that! ''[grabs the marshmallow. Sniffs it. It smells good]'' Mmm. I'm going to eat this, but I am highly offended by it.''[plops it into his mouth, then makes his way over to the Once-ler’s tent-house which is being supported by stakes and ropes. He kicks out a stake and the canvas starts to sag]''
:'''The Once-ler''': Whoa! What are you... Hey, Mustache! Will you stop that? ''[The Lorax continues circling around the tent-house pulling up stakes. He grabs his hammer and follows, pounding them back in.]'' What's your deal, man?
:'''The Lorax''': ''[They circle faster and faster around the tent-houses he pull up each stake and the Once-ler pounding them back in.]'' Time for you to go, Beanpole!
:'''The Once-ler''': Pull them right out. Just going to put them right back in. We can do this all day.
:''[until the Once-ler turns a corner and is about to bring his hammer down on Pipsqueak. The Lorax has placed him right where the stake would have been. The Lorax holds up his hand to stop the Once-ler]''
:'''The Lorax''': Stop right there! Stop it! So you would hammer one of nature's innocent creatures?
:''[The Lorax pats Pipsqueak on the head and he happily runs offscreen]''
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[After the Lorax accuses him of harming Pipsqueak after almost hitting him with a hammer]'' What? No! I would never hit this little guy. You, on the other hand, I would gladly pound you and your mustache into the ground!
:''[The Lorax turns to all of the watching animals]''
:'''The Lorax''': Behold! The intruder and his violent ways. ''[To Once-Ler]'' Shame on you. For shame!
:''[The Once-ler drops the hammer and hides it behind his feet. Then he sees all of the animals nodding their heads in agreement. He’s had it.
:'''The Once-ler''': All right, you know what? That's it! ''[Points at Lorax]'' You listen to me, you furry meatloaf. I'm going to chop down as many trees as I need. Okay? Newsflash! Not going anywhere! End of story. ''[He turns and enters his cottage. His sticks his tongue out and does Raspberries to the Lorax before slamming the door behind him! He sighs heavily, shaking his head]''
:'''The Lorax''': Then you leave me no choice. ''[Startled, the Once-ler turns and sees that the Lorax is somehow inside with him. He points a threatening finger at the Once-ler and speaks in a spooky voice as if he’s casting a spell]'' If you're not gone by the time the sun sets on this valley, all the forces of nature will be unleashed upon you and curse you until the end of your days! You have been warned. ''[Lorax turns to make a dramatic exit, but can’t reach the doorknob of Once-ler’s door. He hops a couple of times. Finally, the Once-ler lets him out.]'' Thanks.
:'''The Once-ler''': Yeah, okay.
:'''The Lorax''': You have been warned.
:''[The Lorax storms out and slams the door, leaving the Once-ler alone in his cottage.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Once-ler''': Why are you so interested in trees anyway? Why aren't you like other kids? Break-dancing and wearing bell-bottoms and playing the Donkey Kongs?
:'''Ted''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah. Right, right. I don't know. Uh, I just thought it might be kinda cool to have one, you know. 
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[knowingly]'' Aaah, it's a girl, isn't it?
:'''Ted''': ''[scoffs]'' What? No!
:'''The Once-ler''': Really? 'Cause when a guy does something stupid once, well, that's because he's a guy, but if he does the same stupid thing ''twice'', that's usually to impress some girl.
:'''Ted''': ''[about Audrey]'' Hey, she is not some girlǃ She's a woman… in high school… and she loves trees, and I'm gonna get her one.
:'''The Once-ler''': Aww. How nice to see someone so undeterred by things like ''reality''.
:'''Ted''': ''[sincerely]'' Thank you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[has just been revived by the Lorax]'' I was heading into the light, and you pulled me right back, and here I am! ''[hugs the Lorax]'' You saved my life!
:'''The Lorax''': Yeah, I did, but you know, it's not that big a deal.
:'''The Once-ler''': It is a big deal! Look, I almost went over that waterfall! ''[realizes]'' Wait... On my bed. How did my bed get in the river?
:'''The Lorax''': Uh, about that, uh... actually, um... ''[mumbles]'' I put your bed in the water. ''[The Once-ler drops him in shock]'' I didn't mean you any harm. I just wanted to calmly float you away. Look, everyone here needs the trees and you're chopping them down! So, we've got a big problem.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[Pipsqueak nuzzling at Once-Ler's feet, to the Lorax]'' Alright, look. I hereby swear that I will never chop down another tree. I promise. ''(Are you happy now?)''
:'''The Lorax''': ''[To the Once-ler]'' Thank you, but I'm going to keep my eye on you.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[After surviving the waterfall incident]'' Now, I've got a big day tomorrow, and I'm gonna get some sleep. ''[walks away, then comes back]'' Right after I find my bed.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[screams and wakes up to find the Lorax sleeping in his bed, the Lorax also screams and wakes up, punching the Once-ler's nose]'' Ow! Okay, what are you...? ''[noticing the Bar-ba-loots, Humming Fish, and Swommee-Swans are sleeping in his house]'' Question, what are ''they'' doing here? And follow up if I may, what are ''you'' doing here?!
:'''The Lorax''': Well, after the incident last night, we found one of your socks and came here to return it, but when we got here, you were asleep. 
:'''The Once-ler''': What? Exactly, and sleeping is the body's way of telling other people to go away.
:'''The Lorax''': I know, but you looked so cozy. And it was cold outside, and we just fell asleep. No harm done.
:'''The Once-ler''': &quot;No harm done&quot;, &quot;no harm done&quot;? Okay. ''[sees fish bathing in soap]'' Okay, I put my lips on those. Well, I used to, anyway. ''[sees a bird laying an egg]'' Ew. Did you just... in my bowl?!
:'''The Lorax''': ''[uses the Once-ler's toothbrush to comb his mustache]'' Why do you even own this? You don't have a mustache.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[disgusted and angry]'' Ugh! Okay, that's it!
:'''The Lorax''': What? I thought we made a deal last night.
:'''The Once-ler''': Yes, we did. And I said I wouldn't chop down any more trees.
:'''The Lorax''': And I said I was going to keep an eye on you. I'm starving! What's for breakfast? ''[looks into the fridge to find the big Bar-ba-loot eating entire cubes of butter]'' Breakfast is overrated. ''[closes the fridge door]''
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[strains]'' You know what? I got work to do. ''[quickly changes outfit]'' Yep! I got to go into town and sell my Thneed!
:'''The Lorax''': ''[when the Once-ler shows the Thneed to him; laughs]'' You chopped down one of my trees to make that piece of garbage?
:'''The Once-ler''': &quot;Garbage&quot;? Oh, no. Oh, no! You do not get it. This is a revolutionary product that will change the world as we know it. ''[walks over to the Bar-ba-loots sleeping on the table and brushes them all off]'' It has 1,000,000 uses! ''[He reaches under the table and pulls up Lou who is now wearing the Thneed as underwear]'' Look at this. It's a swimsuit! ''[Then he points to the muddy animal tracks on the floor.]'' Mud tracked all over your floor by uninvited guests? Well, the Thneed sure comes in handy for that! ''[He uses it to wipe up the mud tracks]'' But wait, there's more! Thanks to its all-natural microfibers, the Thneed is super-absorbent! ''[Then he goes to the fish swimming a glass filled with water. Shoves the Thneed into the glass. SLUUUURP! It instantly soaks up all the water, leaving the irritated fish standing in the dry glass.]'' It also works as a hat. ''[plops the Thneed onto Lorax’s head. SPLURCH! It’s sopping wet and drips all over him. The Lorax gives the Once- ler a look]'' Of course, you probably want to wring it out first.
:'''The Lorax''': ''[takes the Thneed off his head and throws it at the Once-ler.]'' Go ahead. Knock yourself out, but nobody is going to buy that thing.
:'''The Once-ler''': Good to know. Well, fortunately, you are not the target market, weirdo.
:''[The Once-ler strums his guitar.]''
:'''The Lorax''': You're bringing a guitar?
:'''The Once-ler''': Oh, yeah. I got a little jingle. I'm gonna blow some minds, gonna sell some Thneeds! ''[He holds up the Thneed defiantly.]'' Yeah. ''[slams the door, waking up a Swommee-Swan, who HONKS.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In deleted scene, The Man tosses the Thneed which lands on a nerdy teen girl's head, knocking her glasses off and letting her hair down. She slowly flips her hair with the Thneed on her head as if there was supposed to be a dramatic change to her appearance.]''
:'''Teen Boy''': Hey. Cool hat.
:'''Teen Girl 1''': Oh, my gosh. I totally want one.
:'''Teen Girl 2''': That thing makes me like you more.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grizelda''': ''[referring to the Lorax]'' So, who invited the giant furry peanut?
:'''The Lorax''': You callin' me a peanut, huh? I'll go right up your nose!
:'''Grizelda''': Ha! ''[advances on him]''
:'''The Once-ler''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! You wouldn't hit a woman.
:'''The Lorax''': ''[gasps]'' That's a ''woman''?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Lorax''': Happy yet? You filled that hole deep down inside you, or do you still need more?
:'''The Once-ler''': Look, if you've got a problem with what I'm doing, why haven't you used your quote-unquote &quot;powers&quot; to stop me?
:'''The Lorax''': I told you, that's not how it works.
:'''The Once-ler''': Right, I forgot... you're a fraud. I need you to get out! Now!
:'''The Lorax''': Why? Do I make you uncomfortable,  remind you of the promises you made, the man you used to be?
:'''The Once-ler''': You know what? You can just shut your mustache! ''[Begins inching towards the Lorax, who backs away]'' My conscience is clear. I have done nothing illegal, I have my rights, and I intend to keep on biggering and biggering, and turning more Truffula trees in to Thneeds! ''[The Lorax falls backwards and hits the ground.]'' '''And nothing is going to stop me!'''
:''[In the distance, a loud motor is heard. The Once-ler and Lorax both look and see the VERY LAST TRUFFULA TREE being chopped down by a Super Axe-Hacker.]''
:'''The Lorax''': That's it. The very last one. That may stop you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bernice''': Ted, I would like you to meet Mr. O'Hare, the most powerful man in town.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': ''[Ted shocked in surprise.]'' There he is! Hello, Ted.
:'''Ted''': Uh... Hi.
:'''Bernice''': Isn't he clever, Mr. O'Hare? He knows his own name and everything.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': You know what I would love right now, Mrs. Wiggins? A delicious cookie. Wonderful. Teddy and I'll stay here and talk.
:'''Bernice''': Sure, why don't you go ahead and adopt him? I'm just kidding. That was a joke. I was just joking. I'll get your cookie.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': I know you have it, Ted. So, let's put an end to this nonsense, shall we? ''[Ted angrily faces him]'' Hand it over.
:'''Ted''': I'm sorry... I don't know what you're talking about.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Really? Well, then... I guess you wouldn't mind us checking your room.
:'''Ted''': No, no, no!
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Morty! McGurk! Find the seed!
:'''Ted''': No, you can't go up there! Guys, this is ridiculous. Stop! Hey! No, you can't come in my room!
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Find it! ''[O'Hare barges into Ted's room trying to find and destroy the Truffula seed]'' Find it!
:'''Bernice''': What is going on here?
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': ''[to Bernice, after she comes up stairs and what's going on]'' '''THIS DOESN'T INVOLVE YOU!''' Get back downstairs!
:'''Bernice''': ''[to O’Hare]'' Excuse me, down there! I don't care who you are, you little crazy baby-man! Get out of my house now. This is outrageous.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Fine. Sorry. ''[chuckles]'' Must have been a misunderstanding. We'll be leaving now. And my apologies, Ted. You be safe. ''[O’Hare takes the plate of cookies with Mrs. Wiggins Holding him.]''
:'''Bernice''': Mind telling me what's going on here?
:'''Ted''': The seed! Where is it?
:'''Bernice''': Seed?
:''[Ted finds Grammy Norma's cane]''
:'''Ted''': Where's Grammy?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Audrey''': ''[to Ted]'' I could just kiss you right now! ''[Ted and Audrey lean in to kiss, but Ted's mother stops them]''
:'''Bernice''': ''Oop!'' We don't have time for that!
:'''Ted''': I dunno, we have a little time. ''[Audrey and his mom stare at him]'' You know what? Let's just go. Let's go. Forget about it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Once-ler, now elderly with a white mustache, reunites with the Lorax, laughing]''
:'''The Lorax''': You done good, Beanpole. You done good. ''[chuckles]'' By the way, nice mustache.

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==
* One of the funny things that we discovered was that because they don't look like trees or animals that we understand or relate to directly, you have to create, based on Seuss' illustrations, something that's believable. Because the Truffula trees are beautiful -- they look like cotton candy. But, by the same token, you have to create something that the audience feels something for. So it can't just feel like Candy Land; you have to buy it as a real forest. So we looked at Birch trees and then figured out how to make those wonderful illustrations work in a 3-D movie. It's a real fantasy forest that you could relate to when it's being chopped down.
* We had a design that was very city-like and very dense, which wasn't quite working. But we went back and looked at a little drawing in the upper corner of the page when the little boy is first coming to look at the Lorax. And we sort of used that as our basis: it's got these big, curvy roads and a couple of building shapes. In some ways, the easier choice would've been to create a Blade Runner-like dystopian future with smog. But of course we wanted to create something that was fun and entertaining, but in some way relates a little more about where we are today, with inflatable bushes and plastic flowers and fake nature that still has a sense of fun, much like Disneyland or Las Vegas or Dubai. So, in the movie that felt like a great way to go but also suggesting that you have to be careful to maintain balance with nature so it can be sustained.
:* Chris Renaud [http://www.awn.com/animationworld/chris-renaud-talks-lorax/ &quot;Chris Renaud Talks 'The Lorax'&quot;], as interviewed by Bill Desowitz,  ''Animation World Network'', Friday, March 2, 2012.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Danny DeVito|Danny DeVito]] — The Lorax
* [[w:Ed Helms|Ed Helms]] — The Once-ler
* [[w:Zac Efron|Zac Efron]] — Ted
* [[Taylor Swift]] — Audrey
* [[w:Rob Riggle|Rob Riggle]] — Mr. O'Hare
* [[w:Jenny Slate|Jenny Slate]] — Bernice
* [[w:Betty White|Betty White]] — Grammy Norma

== See Also ==
* [[How the Grinch Stole Christmas (film)|How the Grinch Stole Christmas]]
* [[The Cat in the Hat (film)|The Cat in the Hat]]
* [[Horton Hears a Who! (film)|Horton Hears a Who! (film)]]

== External Links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=1482459|title=The Lorax}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Lorax (film), The}}
[[Category:2012 films]]
[[Category:2010s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Animated films based on children's books]]
[[Category:Animated films about bears]]
[[Category:Animated films about birds]]
[[Category:Animated films about fish]]
[[Category:Films based on works by Dr. Seuss]]
[[Category:Films set in forests]]
[[Category:Chris Renaud films]]</text>
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'''''[[w:The Lorax (film)|The Lorax]]''''' (also known as '''''Dr. Seuss' The Lorax''''') is a 2012 American [[w:computer animation|computer-animated]] [[w:List of 3-D films|3D]] [[w:musical film|musical]] [[w:comedy film|comedy film]] based on [[Dr. Seuss]]' [[w:children's book|children's book]] [[w:The Lorax|of the same name]]. The film stars {{w|Zac Efron}}, {{w|Ed Helms}}, and {{w|Danny DeVito}}. It was produced by {{w|Illumination Entertainment}} and was released by {{w|Universal Pictures}} on March 2, 2012, what would have been the 108th birthday of Seuss, who died at age 87 in the year 1991. To be clear, any quotes from the film version that are not taken directly from the book may not have been written by Dr. Seuss.

:''Directed by Chris Renaud. Screenplay by Cinco Paul and Ken Daurio. Produced by Chris Meledandri and Janet Healy.''

== The Lorax ==
* I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees.
* Who taught you guys how to steal a bed?
* ''[notices Pipsqueak on the Once-ler’s bed]'' You gotta be kidding me. ''[to another Bar-ba-loot]'' Can he swim? ''[the Bar-ba-loot shakes his head]'' Of course he can't swim! Hang on, Pipsqueak! I'm comin' to get ya!
* ''[after seeing Pipsqueak take and eat a truffula fruit]'' Ugh, bar-ba-loots.
* ''[To the Once-ler]'' A tree falls in the way it leans. Be careful which way you lean.

== Ted ==
* ''[referring to Audrey; to The Once-ler]'' Hey, she is not some girlǃ She's a woman… in high school… and she loves trees, and I'm gonna get her one.
* I am Ted Wiggins, and I speak for the trees. And the fact is, things aren't perfect here in Thneedville! And they're only gonna get worse unless we do something about it! Unless we change our ways, we can start by planting ''this''! ''[holds up the truffula seed]''

== Audrey ==
* ''[Referring to her mural]'' Those are trees. ''Real ones.'' They used to grow all around here. And people said that the touch of their tufts was softer than anything, even silk. And they smelled like butterfly milk.
* What I want more than anything in the whole world is to see a real living tree, growing in my backyard.

== The Once-ler ==
* ''[He puts on a pair of work gloves and grabs a large axe]'' Alright, here we go. About to make a Thneed, about to change the world.
* Check it out, guys. ''[looks around, noticing all of the animals are gone]'' Where did everybody go? ''[shrugs, then grabs the tree by the trunk and drags it away toward his cottage]''
* Little did I know that by chopping down that tree I had just summoned a mystical creature as old as time itself. The legendary, slightly annoying guardian of the forest. The Lorax.
* ''[admiring his first thneed]'' Now that's a thneed! Nothing unmanly about knitting. No sir!
* Oh, yeah! We're in business, baby! ''[closing Everybody Needs a Thneed]'' Mom? Hey, it's me! I told you I was going to be a success! You need to bring the whole family here right now. We're going to be rich! What? I'm going to need all the help I can get. Don't worry.
* ''[closing How Bad Can I Be]'' All the customers are buying, and the money's multiplying, and the PR people are lying, ''[A Thneed is thrown on the Lorax as a picture is taken. A billboard featuring the picture reads &quot;Lorax Approved&quot;]'' and the lawyers are denying. Who cares if a few trees are dying? This is all so gratifying! How bad, how bad can this possibly be?!
* ''[To Ted]'' Because Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better... It's not.
* ''[To Ted; referring to the last Truffula seed]'' Change the way things are. I know it may seem small and insignificant, but it's not about what it is, it's about what it can become. That's not just a seed... any more than you're just a boy.
* ''[opens the window for the first time as he hears the city singing &quot;Let it Grow&quot; and is on the verge of tears]'' Thank you, Ted.

== Mr. O'Hare ==
* ''[reffering to Ted]'' What?! Why is he leaving town? '''NO ONE EVER LEAVES TOWN!''' See what he's up to.
* You listen to me, boy. Don't go poking around in things you don't understand, or I'll be your worst nightmare. I'm Frankenstein's head on a spider's body!
* You've got a beautiful town here, Ted. Lots of fun stuff to occupy your short attention span. I can't think of any reason you'd ever wanna go outside of town again. Ever.
* Nobody beats Aloysius O'Hare! ''[the elevator shuts]'' What?! ''[grunts &quot;Damn it!&quot;]''
* Bring it on, Teddy! You don't have the guts!
* ''[going after Ted and his girlfriend and grandma after the Truffula seed, through a megaphone]'' '''YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS, BOY! BANG!'''
* ''[last words as he sings &quot;Let It Die&quot;]'' C'mon, who's with me, huh?

== Dialogue ==
:'''Ted''': So, anyway, let's just say, I need a tree. Where would I go? What do I do?
:'''Grammy Norma''': Oh, then you know what? You'd need to find the Once-ler.
:'''Ted''': The what?
:'''Bernice Wiggins''': Mom, it's not really the time for one of your, you know, magical fables, OK?
:'''Grammy Norma''': ''[laughs]'' That's right, I forgot. I'm old, and can't even remember to put my teeth in!
:'''Bernice''': Stand down. That's not what I meant.
:'''Grammy Norma''': No, really, I forgot my teeth. Would you be a dear and go get them for me?
:'''Bernice''': ''[sighs]'' Sure, Mom.
:'''Grammy Norma''': Okay, here the deal. The Once-ler's the man who knows what happened to the trees. If you want one, you need to find him.
:'''Ted''': The Once-ler?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ted gets pulled up by a rope and pulley to the second floor window where the Once-ler confronts him angrily.]''
:'''Once-ler''': Who are you? Who are you and what are you doing here?!
:'''Ted''': I'm Ted. I'm Ted. I can't breathe. Are you the Once-ler? Oh, man. 
:'''Once-ler''': Didn't you read the signs? No one is supposed to come here. Get out of here and leave me alone! And don't let the boot hit you on the way out.
:'''Ted''': The boot? ''[gets kicked by said boot from behind]'' Whoa, hello! Ow! Listen! People say that if someone brings you this stuff that you will tell them about trees. ''[gets grabbed again]'' No, no, no!
:'''Once-ler''': Trees?
:'''Ted''': Yeah, real ones. You know, that grow out of the ground? ''[pause]'' Hello?
:'''Once-ler''': Sorry, it's just... Well, I didn't think anyone still cared about trees.
:'''Ted''': Well, that's me. The guy who still cares. I'm here. ''[gets put back down]'' Hey! What? Whoa!
:'''The Once-ler''': You wanna know about trees, about what happened to them, (and) why they're all gone? ''[softly]'' {{small|It's because of me.}}
:'''Ted''': Wait, what? ''[A Whisper-ma-Phone chutes down to him. He leans in to hear.]''
:'''Once-ler''': ''[shouts] &lt;big&gt;'''IT'S BECAUSE OF ME!'''&lt;/big&gt; [Ted coughs]'' And my invention, the Thneed. It was an amazing product that could do the job of 1,000.
:'''Ted''': All right. Sounds ridiculous, but I mean, that's cool. 
:'''Once-ler''': You're darn right it was cool! ''[starting to explain what happened to the trees]'' It all started a long time ago.
:'''Ted''': Can we start not so long ago, maybe?
:'''Once-ler''': Do you want a tree?
:'''Ted''': Yes, yes. (Go on.)
:'''Once-ler''': Then it all started a long, &lt;big&gt;''long''&lt;/big&gt; time ago. ''[scene flashes back to the Once-ler as a young man]'' I was a young man leaving home.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ted''': ''[interrupting the story]'' Hey, hey, hey. Wait a minute.
:'''Once-ler''': Excuse me?
:'''Ted''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah. That's awesome. You know, feeding junk food to forest animals? That's great. But, uh, is there a musical number where you show me how to get a tree? 'Cause I'd love to hear that one.
:'''Once-ler''': Oh, yes. Right after the musical number about the kid who kept interrupting the story and was never heard from ever again. Hmm?
:'''Ted''': Right. Got it. Proceed.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Lorax''':  ''[first meeting the Once-ler]'' Hey!
:''[The Once-ler shrieks and falls backwards]''
:'''The Lorax''': Did you chop down this tree?
:'''Once-ler''': Uh, no. Who did it? ''[gasps]'' What's that?! ''[the Lorax looks back and Once-ler drops his axe on Pipsqueak the Bar-ba-loot, blaming him]'' I think he did it.
:'''The Lorax''': ''[growls]'' Leave! Vacate the premises! Take your axe and get out! 
:'''The Once-ler''': And who are you? ''[pokes the Lorax]''
:'''The Lorax''': Hey, hey! I'm the Lorax, guardian of the forest. I speak for the trees. ''[The Once-ler stares at him]'' So you're telling me that you didn't see me magically appear out of that stump, with all the lightning and thunder and stuff. You didn't see any of that?
:'''The Once-ler''': No, but that sounds amazing. Can I see some of that?
:'''The Lorax''': Uh, yeah. I could show you, but that's not how it works.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[condescending]'' OK, um... Didn’t really happen. Oh, I know what you want! ''[pokes Lorax’s nose, He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a Marshmallow. Holds it out.]'' ''[baby talk]'' I’ve got one of these for the cutest little guy I ever saw. Yummy-yummy-yummy... ''[The Lorax stares at the marshmallow]''
:'''The Lorax''': How dare you! Give me that! ''[grabs the marshmallow. Sniffs it. It smells good]'' Mmm. I'm going to eat this, but I am highly offended by it.''[plops it into his mouth, then makes his way over to the Once-ler’s tent-house which is being supported by stakes and ropes. He kicks out a stake and the canvas starts to sag]''
:'''The Once-ler''': Whoa! What are you... Hey, Mustache! Will you stop that? ''[The Lorax continues circling around the tent-house pulling up stakes. He grabs his hammer and follows, pounding them back in.]'' What's your deal, man?
:'''The Lorax''': ''[They circle faster and faster around the tent-houses he pull up each stake and the Once-ler pounding them back in.]'' Time for you to go, Beanpole!
:'''The Once-ler''': Pull them right out. Just going to put them right back in. We can do this all day.
:''[until the Once-ler turns a corner and is about to bring his hammer down on Pipsqueak. The Lorax has placed him right where the stake would have been. The Lorax holds up his hand to stop the Once-ler]''
:'''The Lorax''': Stop right there! Stop it! So you would hammer one of nature's innocent creatures?
:''[The Lorax pats Pipsqueak on the head and he happily runs offscreen]''
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[After the Lorax accuses him of harming Pipsqueak after almost hitting him with a hammer]'' What? No! I would never hit this little guy. You, on the other hand, I would gladly pound you and your mustache into the ground!
:''[The Lorax turns to all of the watching animals]''
:'''The Lorax''': Behold! The intruder and his violent ways. ''[To Once-Ler]'' Shame on you. For shame!
:''[The Once-ler drops the hammer and hides it behind his feet. Then he sees all of the animals nodding their heads in agreement. He’s had it.
:'''The Once-ler''': All right, you know what? That's it! ''[Points at Lorax]'' You listen to me, you furry meatloaf. I'm going to chop down as many trees as I need. Okay? Newsflash! Not going anywhere! End of story. ''[He turns and enters his cottage. His sticks his tongue out and does Raspberries to the Lorax before slamming the door behind him! He sighs heavily, shaking his head]''
:'''The Lorax''': Then you leave me no choice. ''[Startled, the Once-ler turns and sees that the Lorax is somehow inside with him. He points a threatening finger at the Once-ler and speaks in a spooky voice as if he’s casting a spell]'' If you're not gone by the time the sun sets on this valley, all the forces of nature will be unleashed upon you and curse you until the end of your days! You have been warned. ''[Lorax turns to make a dramatic exit, but can’t reach the doorknob of Once-ler’s door. He hops a couple of times. Finally, the Once-ler lets him out.]'' Thanks.
:'''The Once-ler''': Yeah, okay.
:'''The Lorax''': You have been warned.
:''[The Lorax storms out and slams the door, leaving the Once-ler alone in his cottage.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Once-ler''': Why are you so interested in trees anyway? Why aren't you like other kids? Break-dancing and wearing bell-bottoms and playing the Donkey Kongs?
:'''Ted''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah. Right, right. I don't know. Uh, I just thought it might be kinda cool to have one, you know. 
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[knowingly]'' Aaah, it's a girl, isn't it?
:'''Ted''': ''[scoffs]'' What? No!
:'''The Once-ler''': Really? 'Cause when a guy does something stupid once, well, that's because he's a guy, but if he does the same stupid thing ''twice'', that's usually to impress some girl.
:'''Ted''': ''[about Audrey]'' Hey, she is not some girlǃ She's a woman… in high school… and she loves trees, and I'm gonna get her one.
:'''The Once-ler''': Aww. How nice to see someone so undeterred by things like ''reality''.
:'''Ted''': ''[sincerely]'' Thank you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[has just been revived by the Lorax]'' I was heading into the light, and you pulled me right back, and here I am! ''[hugs the Lorax]'' You saved my life!
:'''The Lorax''': Yeah, I did, but you know, it's not that big a deal.
:'''The Once-ler''': It is a big deal! Look, I almost went over that waterfall! ''[realizes]'' Wait... On my bed. How did my bed get in the river?
:'''The Lorax''': Uh, about that, uh... actually, um... ''[mumbles]'' I put your bed in the water. ''[The Once-ler drops him in shock]'' I didn't mean you any harm. I just wanted to calmly float you away. Look, everyone here needs the trees and you're chopping them down! So, we've got a big problem.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[Pipsqueak nuzzling at Once-Ler's feet, to the Lorax]'' Alright, look. I hereby swear that I will never chop down another tree. I promise. ''(Are you happy now?)''
:'''The Lorax''': ''[To the Once-ler]'' Thank you, but I'm going to keep my eye on you.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[After surviving the waterfall incident]'' Now, I've got a big day tomorrow, and I'm gonna get some sleep. ''[walks away, then comes back]'' Right after I find my bed.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[screams and wakes up to find the Lorax sleeping in his bed, the Lorax also screams and wakes up, punching the Once-ler's nose]'' Ow! Okay, what are you...? ''[stops upon noticing that the Bar-ba-loots, Humming Fish, and Swommee-Swans are also sleeping in his house]'' Question, what are ''they'' doing here? And follow up if I may, what are ''you'' doing here?!
:'''The Lorax''': Well, after the incident last night, we found one of your socks and came here to return it, but when we got here, you were asleep. 
:'''The Once-ler''': What? Exactly, and sleeping is the body's way of telling other people to go away.
:'''The Lorax''': I know, but you looked so cozy. And it was cold outside, and we just fell asleep. No harm done.
:'''The Once-ler''': &quot;No harm done&quot;, &quot;no harm done&quot;? Okay. ''[sees fish bathing in soap]'' Okay, I put my lips on those. Well, I used to, anyway. ''[sees a bird laying an egg]'' Ew. Did you just... in my bowl?!
:'''The Lorax''': ''[uses the Once-ler's toothbrush to comb his mustache]'' Why do you even own this? You don't have a mustache.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[disgusted and angry]'' Ugh! Okay, that's it!
:'''The Lorax''': What? I thought we made a deal last night.
:'''The Once-ler''': Yes, we did. And I said I wouldn't chop down any more trees.
:'''The Lorax''': And I said I was going to keep an eye on you. I'm starving! What's for breakfast? ''[looks into the fridge to find the big Bar-ba-loot eating entire cubes of butter]'' Breakfast is overrated. ''[closes the fridge door]''
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[strains]'' You know what? I got work to do. ''[quickly changes outfit]'' Yep! I got to go into town and sell my Thneed!
:'''The Lorax''': ''[when the Once-ler shows the Thneed to him; laughs]'' You chopped down one of my trees to make that piece of garbage?
:'''The Once-ler''': &quot;Garbage&quot;? Oh, no. Oh, no! You do not get it. This is a revolutionary product that will change the world as we know it. ''[walks over to the Bar-ba-loots sleeping on the table and brushes them all off]'' It has 1,000,000 uses! ''[He reaches under the table and pulls up Lou who is now wearing the Thneed as underwear]'' Look at this. It's a swimsuit! ''[Then he points to the muddy animal tracks on the floor.]'' Mud tracked all over your floor by uninvited guests? Well, the Thneed sure comes in handy for that! ''[He uses it to wipe up the mud tracks]'' But wait, there's more! Thanks to its all-natural microfibers, the Thneed is super-absorbent! ''[Then he goes to the fish swimming a glass filled with water. Shoves the Thneed into the glass. SLUUUURP! It instantly soaks up all the water, leaving the irritated fish standing in the dry glass.]'' It also works as a hat. ''[plops the Thneed onto Lorax’s head. SPLURCH! It’s sopping wet and drips all over him. The Lorax gives the Once- ler a look]'' Of course, you probably want to wring it out first.
:'''The Lorax''': ''[takes the Thneed off his head and throws it at the Once-ler.]'' Go ahead. Knock yourself out, but nobody is going to buy that thing.
:'''The Once-ler''': Good to know. Well, fortunately, you are not the target market, weirdo.
:''[The Once-ler strums his guitar.]''
:'''The Lorax''': You're bringing a guitar?
:'''The Once-ler''': Oh, yeah. I got a little jingle. I'm gonna blow some minds, gonna sell some Thneeds! ''[He holds up the Thneed defiantly.]'' Yeah. ''[slams the door, waking up a Swommee-Swan, who HONKS.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In deleted scene, The Man tosses the Thneed which lands on a nerdy teen girl's head, knocking her glasses off and letting her hair down. She slowly flips her hair with the Thneed on her head as if there was supposed to be a dramatic change to her appearance.]''
:'''Teen Boy''': Hey. Cool hat.
:'''Teen Girl 1''': Oh, my gosh. I totally want one.
:'''Teen Girl 2''': That thing makes me like you more.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grizelda''': ''[referring to the Lorax]'' So, who invited the giant furry peanut?
:'''The Lorax''': You callin' me a peanut, huh? I'll go right up your nose!
:'''Grizelda''': Ha! ''[advances on him]''
:'''The Once-ler''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! You wouldn't hit a woman.
:'''The Lorax''': ''[gasps]'' That's a ''woman''?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Lorax''': Happy yet? You filled that hole deep down inside you, or do you still need more?
:'''The Once-ler''': Look, if you've got a problem with what I'm doing, why haven't you used your quote-unquote &quot;powers&quot; to stop me?
:'''The Lorax''': I told you, that's not how it works.
:'''The Once-ler''': Right, I forgot... you're a fraud. I need you to get out! Now!
:'''The Lorax''': Why? Do I make you uncomfortable,  remind you of the promises you made, the man you used to be?
:'''The Once-ler''': You know what? You can just shut your mustache! ''[Begins inching towards the Lorax, who backs away]'' My conscience is clear. I have done nothing illegal, I have my rights, and I intend to keep on biggering and biggering, and turning more Truffula trees in to Thneeds! ''[The Lorax falls backwards and hits the ground.]'' '''And nothing is going to stop me!'''
:''[In the distance, a loud motor is heard. The Once-ler and Lorax both look and see the VERY LAST TRUFFULA TREE being chopped down by a Super Axe-Hacker.]''
:'''The Lorax''': That's it. The very last one. That may stop you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bernice''': Ted, I would like you to meet Mr. O'Hare, the most powerful man in town.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': ''[Ted shocked in surprise.]'' There he is! Hello, Ted.
:'''Ted''': Uh... Hi.
:'''Bernice''': Isn't he clever, Mr. O'Hare? He knows his own name and everything.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': You know what I would love right now, Mrs. Wiggins? A delicious cookie. Wonderful. Teddy and I'll stay here and talk.
:'''Bernice''': Sure, why don't you go ahead and adopt him? I'm just kidding. That was a joke. I was just joking. I'll get your cookie.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': I know you have it, Ted. So, let's put an end to this nonsense, shall we? ''[Ted angrily faces him]'' Hand it over.
:'''Ted''': I'm sorry... I don't know what you're talking about.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Really? Well, then... I guess you wouldn't mind us checking your room.
:'''Ted''': No, no, no!
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Morty! McGurk! Find the seed!
:'''Ted''': No, you can't go up there! Guys, this is ridiculous. Stop! Hey! No, you can't come in my room!
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Find it! ''[O'Hare barges into Ted's room trying to find and destroy the Truffula seed]'' Find it!
:'''Bernice''': What is going on here?
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': ''[to Bernice, after she comes up stairs and what's going on]'' '''THIS DOESN'T INVOLVE YOU!''' Get back downstairs!
:'''Bernice''': ''[to O’Hare]'' Excuse me, down there! I don't care who you are, you little crazy baby-man! Get out of my house now. This is outrageous.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Fine. Sorry. ''[chuckles]'' Must have been a misunderstanding. We'll be leaving now. And my apologies, Ted. You be safe. ''[O’Hare takes the plate of cookies with Mrs. Wiggins Holding him.]''
:'''Bernice''': Mind telling me what's going on here?
:'''Ted''': The seed! Where is it?
:'''Bernice''': Seed?
:''[Ted finds Grammy Norma's cane]''
:'''Ted''': Where's Grammy?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Audrey''': ''[to Ted]'' I could just kiss you right now! ''[Ted and Audrey lean in to kiss, but Ted's mother stops them]''
:'''Bernice''': ''Oop!'' We don't have time for that!
:'''Ted''': I dunno, we have a little time. ''[Audrey and his mom stare at him]'' You know what? Let's just go. Let's go. Forget about it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Once-ler, now elderly with a white mustache, reunites with the Lorax, laughing]''
:'''The Lorax''': You done good, Beanpole. You done good. ''[chuckles]'' By the way, nice mustache.

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==
* One of the funny things that we discovered was that because they don't look like trees or animals that we understand or relate to directly, you have to create, based on Seuss' illustrations, something that's believable. Because the Truffula trees are beautiful -- they look like cotton candy. But, by the same token, you have to create something that the audience feels something for. So it can't just feel like Candy Land; you have to buy it as a real forest. So we looked at Birch trees and then figured out how to make those wonderful illustrations work in a 3-D movie. It's a real fantasy forest that you could relate to when it's being chopped down.
* We had a design that was very city-like and very dense, which wasn't quite working. But we went back and looked at a little drawing in the upper corner of the page when the little boy is first coming to look at the Lorax. And we sort of used that as our basis: it's got these big, curvy roads and a couple of building shapes. In some ways, the easier choice would've been to create a Blade Runner-like dystopian future with smog. But of course we wanted to create something that was fun and entertaining, but in some way relates a little more about where we are today, with inflatable bushes and plastic flowers and fake nature that still has a sense of fun, much like Disneyland or Las Vegas or Dubai. So, in the movie that felt like a great way to go but also suggesting that you have to be careful to maintain balance with nature so it can be sustained.
:* Chris Renaud [http://www.awn.com/animationworld/chris-renaud-talks-lorax/ &quot;Chris Renaud Talks 'The Lorax'&quot;], as interviewed by Bill Desowitz,  ''Animation World Network'', Friday, March 2, 2012.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Danny DeVito|Danny DeVito]] — The Lorax
* [[w:Ed Helms|Ed Helms]] — The Once-ler
* [[w:Zac Efron|Zac Efron]] — Ted
* [[Taylor Swift]] — Audrey
* [[w:Rob Riggle|Rob Riggle]] — Mr. O'Hare
* [[w:Jenny Slate|Jenny Slate]] — Bernice
* [[w:Betty White|Betty White]] — Grammy Norma

== See Also ==
* [[How the Grinch Stole Christmas (film)|How the Grinch Stole Christmas]]
* [[The Cat in the Hat (film)|The Cat in the Hat]]
* [[Horton Hears a Who! (film)|Horton Hears a Who! (film)]]

== External Links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=1482459|title=The Lorax}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Lorax (film), The}}
[[Category:2012 films]]
[[Category:2010s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Animated films based on children's books]]
[[Category:Animated films about bears]]
[[Category:Animated films about birds]]
[[Category:Animated films about fish]]
[[Category:Films based on works by Dr. Seuss]]
[[Category:Films set in forests]]
[[Category:Chris Renaud films]]</text>
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    <title>Remington Steele</title>
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      <text bytes="5567" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:Remington Steele|Remington Steele]]''''' (1982&amp;ndash;1987) was an [[United States|American]] [[w:television program|television series]], airing on [[w:NBC|NBC]], about a female private detective partnered with a former thief who assumes the role of a fictitious detective in the business.

{{tv-stub}}
== Season 1: 1982–83 ==
=== ''License to Steele'' [1.01] ===

:'''Steele''': Thank you, you're a most charming family.
:'''Woman''': Ooh, for another $50, you can keep the kids!
:'''Steele''': [laughs] Afraid my suitcase isn't big enough.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Laura''': You mean you didn't steal the gems?
:'''Steele''': Laura, I gave you my word! But they're fair game now!
:'''Laura''': Oh no they're not!

;'''Steele'''; It's difficult to maintain a relationship based solely on mistrust.

=== ''Tempered Steele'' [1.02] ===
=== ''Steele Waters Run Deep'' [1.03] ===
=== ''Signed, Steeled, &amp; Delivered'' [1.04] ===
=== ''Thou Shalt Not Steele'' [1.05] ===
=== ''Steele Belted'' [1.06] ===
=== ''Etched in Steele'' [1.07] ===
=== ''You're Steele the One for Me'' [1.08] ===
=== ''In the Steele of the Night'' [1.09] ===
=== ''Steele Trap'' [1.10] ===
=== ''Steeling the Show'' [1.11] ===
=== ''Steele Flying High'' [1.12] ===
=== ''A Good Night's Steele'' [1.13] ===
=== ''Hearts of Steele'' [1.14] ===
=== ''To Stop a Steele'' [1.15] ===
=== ''Steele Crazy After All These Years'' [1.16] ===
=== ''Steele Among the Living'' [1.17] ===
=== ''Steele in the News'' [1.18] ===
=== ''Vintage Steele'' [1.19] ===
=== ''Steele's Gold'' [1.20] ===
=== ''Sting of Steele'' [1.21] ===
=== ''Steele in Circulation'' [1.22] ===

== Season 2: 1983–84 ==
=== ''Steele Away with Me: Part 1'' [2.01] ===
=== ''Steele Away with Me: Part 2'' [2.02] ===
=== ''Red Holt Steele'' [2.03] ===
=== ''Altared Steele'' [2.04] ===
=== ''Steele Framed'' [2.05] ===
=== ''A Steele at Any Price'' [2.06] ===
=== ''Love Among the Steele'' [2.07] ===
=== ''Scene Steelers'' [2.08] ===
=== ''Steele Knuckles and Glass Jaws'' [2.09] ===
=== ''My Fair Steele'' [2.10] ===
=== ''Steele Threads'' [2.11] ===
=== ''Steele Eligible'' [2.12] ===
=== ''High Flying Steele'' [2.13] ===
=== ''Blood Is Thicker Than Steele'' [2.14] ===
=== ''Steele Sweet on You'' [2.15] ===
=== ''Elegy in Steele'' [2.16] ===
=== ''Small Town Steele'' [2.17] ===
=== ''Molten Steele'' [2.18] ===
=== ''Dreams of Steele'' [2.19] ===
=== ''Woman of Steele'' [2.20] ===
=== ''Hounded Steele'' [2.21] ===
=== ''Elementary Steele'' [2.22] ===

== Season 3: 1984–85 ==
=== ''Steele at It'' [3.01] ===
=== ''Lofty Steele'' [3.02] ===
=== ''Maltese Steele'' [3.03] ===
=== ''Second Base Steele'' [3.04] ===
=== ''Blue Blooded Steele'' [3.05] ===
=== ''Steele Your Heart Away'' [3.06] ===
=== ''A Pocketful of Steele'' [3.07] ===
=== ''Puzzled Steele'' [3.08] ===
=== ''Cast in Steele'' [3.09] ===
Remington: I've always had eyes for you, but it seems that you never had eyes for me.
Blind woman: I can't see.

=== ''Breath of Steele'' [3.10] ===
=== ''Let's Steele a Plot'' [3.11] ===
=== ''Gourmet Steele'' [3.12] ===
=== ''Stronger Than Steele'' [3.13] ===
=== ''Have I Got a Steele For You'' [3.14] ===
=== ''Springtime for Steele'' [3.15] ===
=== ''Steele in the Family'' [3.16] ===
=== ''Diced Steele'' [3.17] ===
=== ''Now You Steele It, Now You Don't'' [3.18] ===
=== ''Illustrated Steele'' [3.19] ===
=== ''Steele in the Chips'' [3.20] ===
=== ''Steele Trying'' [3.21] ===
=== ''Steele of Approval'' [3.22] ===

== Season 4: 1985–86 ==
=== ''Steele Searching: Part 1'' [4.01] ===
=== ''Steele Searching: Part 2'' [4.02] ===
=== ''Steele Blushing'' [4.03] ===
=== ''Grappling Steele'' [4.04] ===
=== ''Forged Steele'' [4.05] ===
=== ''Corn Fed Steele'' [4.06] ===
=== ''Premium Steele'' [4.07] ===
=== ''Coffee, Tea, or Steele'' [4.08] ===
=== ''Dancer, Prancer, Donner and Steele'' [4.09] ===
=== ''Steele on the Air'' [4.10] ===
=== ''Steele, Inc.'' [4.11] ===
=== ''Steele Spawning'' [4.12] ===
=== ''Suburban Steele'' [4.13] ===
=== ''Santa Claus Is Coming to Steele'' [4.14] ===
=== ''Steele Blue Yonder'' [4.15] ===
=== ''Sensitive Steele?'' [4.16] ===
=== ''Steele in the Spotlight'' [4.17] ===
=== ''Steele at Your Service'' [4.18] ===
=== ''Steele in the Running'' [4.19] ===
=== ''Beg, Borrow, or Steele'' [4.20] ===
=== ''Steele Alive and Kicking'' [4.21] ===
=== ''Bonds of Steele'' [4.22] ===

== Season 5 ==
=== ''The Steele That Wouldn't Die: Part 1'' [4.01] ===
=== ''The Steele That Wouldn't Die: Part 2'' [4.02] ===
=== ''Steele Hanging in There: Part 1'' [4.03] ===
=== ''Steele Hanging in There: Part 2'' [4.04] ===
=== ''Steeled with a Kiss: Part 1'' [4.05] ===
=== ''Steeled with a Kiss: Part 2'' [4.06] ===

== Cast ==
* [[w:Stephanie Zimbalist|Stephanie Zimbalist]] - Laura Holt
* [[Pierce Brosnan]] - Remington Steele
* [[w:Doris Roberts|Doris Roberts]] - Mildred Krebs
* [[w:James Read|James Read]] - Murphy Michaels 
* [[w:Janet Demay|Janet Demay]] - Bernice Fox
* [[w:Jack Scalia|Jack Scalia]] - Tony Roselli
* [[w:Beverly Garland|Beverly Garland]] - Abigail Holt
* [[w:Efrem Zimbalist Jr.|Efrem Zimbalist Jr.]] - Daniel Chalmers
* [[w:Maryedith Burrell|Maryedith Burrell]] - Francis Piper
* [[w:Cassandra Harris|Cassandra Harris]] - Felicia
* [[w:James Tolkan|James Tolkan]] - Norman Keyes

== External links ==
{{wikipedia|Remington Steele}}
* {{imdb title|0083470|Remington Steele}}
* [http://epguides.com/RemingtonSteele/ Ep Guides]

[[Category:NBC shows]]
[[Category:1980s American crime drama TV shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]</text>
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    <title>Luther (TV series)</title>
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'''''[[w:Luther (TV series)|Luther]]''''' (2010–2019) is a British psychological crime thriller, airing on [[w:BBC One|BBC One]], featuring DCI John Luther, a brilliant detective whose passionate involvement in his work threatens to derail his personal life.

== Series 1 ==
=== ''Episode 1'' [1.01] ===

:'''DCSU Cornish''': So, he's back. 
:'''DSU Teller''': From outer space. 
:'''DCSU Cornish''': You do know the man is nitroglycerin? 
:'''DSU Teller''': With respect, sir, a comprehensive investigation under your edict cleared him of any wrongdoing. 
:'''DCSU Cornish''': Not least because the only other witness is in a coma, measuring three on the [[w:Glasgow Coma Scale|Glasgow scale]]. 
:'''DSU Teller''': And Mia Dalton's in school today, and not in the ground. 
:'''DCSU Cornish''': Rose, if you bet too heavily on Luther, then you stand or fall with him and with you goes this unit, and my credibility as its architect. Haven't you worked too hard for too long to take that big a risk on such a wild card? 
:'''DSU Teller''': I don't consider him a risk. 
:'''DCSU Cornish''': Then what is he? 
:'''DSU Teller''': An investment. 
:'''DCSU Cornish''': And if Henry Madsen wakes up, gives his account of what happened that night? Will Luther drag us all down? Let's hope not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''DSU Teller''': So where's the gun? It's got to be somewhere. Everything's somewhere. 
:'''DCI Luther''': I don't know. 
:'''DSU Teller''': Say that again. That was special. 
:'''DCI Luther''': ''[chuckles]'' I don't know where the gun is.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alice Morgan''': Are you trying to beguile me? 
:'''DCI Luther''':  ''[chuckles]'' No, I wouldn't be so foolish. But I will tell you this, Alice. You can revel in your brilliance for as long as you like, but people slip up. Happens time and time again. 
:'''Alice Morgan''': Well that's just faulty logic postulated on imperfect data collection. What if you only catch people who make mistakes? That would skew the figures, wouldn't it? 
:'''DCI Luther''': Yes, it would. But criminals aren't as smart as they think they are. 
:'''Alice Morgan''': Oh, that must get monotonous for someone as brilliant as you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alice Morgan''': You'd degrade the law you serve just to protect some woman who cast you aside like offal? 
:'''DCI Luther''': ''[puts his wedding ring back on]'' In a second. 
:'''Alice Morgan''': And you think I'm the monster. Love is supposed to dignify us, exalt us. How can it be love, John, if all it does is make you lonely and corrupt? ''[Luther turns and walks away]'' Answer the question! Don't turn your back on me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''DCI Luther''': I'm coming for you. 
:'''Alice Morgan''': Not if I come for you first.

=== ''Episode 2'' [1.02] ===

:''[Luther walks from the crime scene into a cluster of reporters to get to his car]''
:'''DCI Luther''': Morning, Corinne. 
:'''Corinne Day''': Any suspects, John? Off the record. ''[Luther keeps walking past her without comment]'' You got my number. 
:'''DCI Luther''': Yeah, memorized: 666. 
:'''Corinne Day''': Direct line.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''DCI Luther''': ''[answering his mobile]'' Stop stalking me, Alice, you're yesterday's news. 
:'''Alice Morgan''': Yes, I heard about the dead policeman. I was worried about you, John. 
:'''DCI Luther''': About what, that someone else might get me? 
:'''Alice Morgan''': I know how hard men like you take the death of fellow officers. Must be like losing family. 
:'''DCI Luther''': I'm not discussing cases with you. 
:'''Alice Morgan''': Not even interesting ones? 
:'''DCI Luther''': This isn't interesting, all right? These are good cops, doing good jobs, being gunned on the streets like— 
:'''Alice Morgan''': Like what? That's something we all do, isn't it, in the end? Judge who's worth more than whom? [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]] or [[Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi|Gandhi]]? The very young, the very old? 
:'''DCI Luther''': Though, to be fair, most of us don't do it to the extent that you do. 
:'''Alice Morgan''': But it does mean the difference between us is one of degree, not category. Ask Henry Madsen. 
:'''DCI Luther''': All right, you win, okay? You're too clever for me, Alice. 
:'''Alice Morgan''': Flattery to appease a malignant narcissist. That's a frivolous tactic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alice Morgan''': I've been wondering, why do you think he does it? 
:'''Zoe Luther''': Why does who do what? 
:'''Alice Morgan''': John, his job. It takes such a toll. Why does he put himself through it? 
:'''Zoe Luther''': I don't see how this is relevant. 
:'''Alice Morgan''': Well, it is. Right this second, you might actually be helping him. What do you think compels him to do it? 
:'''Zoe Luther''': He believes one life is all we have, life and love. Whoever takes life steals everything. 
:'''Alice Morgan''': And do you agree? 
:'''Zoe Luther''': I don't know. I think if he'd read a different book by a different writer at just the right time in his life he'd have been a different man. He'd have been happier as a priest than— 
:'''Alice Morgan''': Than what? 
:'''Zoe Luther''': Than what he is.

=== ''Episode 3'' [1.03] ===

:'''Alice Morgan''': I did this because I don't like you and because I wanted to toy with John. Ah, it's a bit like pulling legs off flies. 
:'''Mark North''': Why are you here now? 
:'''Alice Morgan''': Because I'm sorry. 
:'''Mark North''': No, you're not. 
:'''Alice Morgan''': No, no, I'm not. I was just trying to empathise. I'm here because this has gone just far enough, and what I need you to do now is pick up that phone and withdraw the complaint. 
:'''Mark North''': And if I refuse? What if somebody actually stood up to you and refused? 
:'''Alice Morgan''': Hmm, well, then, I'd have to leave… and then one night I'd have to come back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alice Morgan''': How do I know you're not playing a double game? One stone, multiple birds, trying to make me speak carelessly in order to entrap me. 
:'''DCI Luther''': That would be illegal. Plus I really need to catch this man. 
:'''Alice Morgan''': More than you want to catch me? 
:'''DCI Luther''': At the moment, yeah. I'm running out of time. 
:'''Alice Morgan''': Because if I thought you were about to lose interest in me, I'd be inconsolable. 
:'''DCI Luther''': I just need a way in, to know what it's like to be him, to not feel anything. 
:'''Alice Morgan''': I feel things. 
:'''DCI Luther''': Not mercy. 
:'''Alice Morgan''': Not sentiment. I can't empathise for this man's state of being any more than you can, because, disregarding a single, ah, alleged act, carried out for different, alleged, reasons, he and I might just as well be from different species. 
:'''DCI Luther''': ''[sigh]'' See, I disagree. Murder's murder. 
:'''Alice Morgan''': But it isn't, is it? Not even to you. This man Burgess, he's just a naughty child showing off. You already know his flaw — his compulsion to dominate, to be in control — and you already know how to exploit that. 
:'''DCI Luther''': How? 
:'''Alice Morgan''': Oh, come on. Change the state of play. 
:'''DCI Luther''': Yeah, well, I tried that with you and it failed. 
:'''Alice Morgan''': Only just.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lucien Burgess''': It's a kink, a sex thing. Many many women fantasize about being tied up, strangled, raped, eaten. 
:'''DCI Luther''': You think so? 
:'''Lucien Burgess''': Oh, yeah. The more depraved the killer, the more women fawn on him. It's called '[[w:Hybristophilia|hybristophilia]]'. 
:'''DCI Luther''': 'Sexual arousal from thoughts of violence.' 
:'''Lucien Burgess''': It's his willingness to murder that attracts her. His murder becomes hers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''DSU Teller''': Three guesses why Zoe's gentleman caller was here. 
:'''DCI Luther''': To confess he's a dick?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Richard Henley''': ''[about Lucien Burgess]'' I wanted to kill him. I knew it would cost me, but I didn't care. To this day, uh, the biggest regret of my life is not killing the— Any idea what it's like to feel like that? 
:'''DCI Luther''': Yes, I do. I know exactly what that feels like.

=== ''Episode 4'' [1.04] ===

:'''DCI Luther''': Graham knows we're onto him, all right? And he'll try and kill as many as he can before we catch him, and if I have to terrify his wife to stop that happening, I can live with that. 
:'''DSU Teller''': Oh, thus spake John Luther, gentleman of the parish. 
:'''DCI Luther''': She knows what her husband is. 
:'''DSU Teller''': Yeah, but maybe not what he's done. There is a difference.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''DSU Teller''': Do you want to know the real tragedy about marriage? 
:'''DCI Luther''': No, thanks. 
:'''DSU Teller''': Women always think men will change, but they don't. Men think women won't change, but they do. 
:'''DCI Luther''': Where'd you get that from, a fortune cookie?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Luther is sitting in a chair surrounded by photos and maps in a circle on the floor]'' 
:'''DS Ripley''': What's all this? 
:'''DCI Luther''': Découpage, a cut-up technique. Take a bit of text, cut it up, randomise it, make new text, see new patterns. 
:'''DS Ripley''': Where'd you learn this? 
:'''DCI Luther''': David Bowie — it's how he wrote his lyrics. 
:'''DS Ripley''': Are you a fan? 
:'''DCI Luther''': Don't I look like a fan? 
:'''DS Ripley''': What, of songs about, like, aliens and that? 
:'''DCI Luther''': Well, there's a bit more to him than aliens. I'll make you a tape. 
:'''DS Ripley''': A-a what, sorry?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''DCI Luther''': Do you have any sexual fantasies? 
:'''DS Ripley''': What? Yeah, not that I'm gonna tell you about. 
:'''DCI Luther''': Does the reality ever live up to the fantasy? 
:'''DS Ripley''': Well, I, um— well, no, no, not really. 
:'''DCI Luther''': Yeah, it can't, can it?

=== ''Episode 5 '' [1.05] ===

:'''Alice Morgan''': No games, listen. I did what I did to Henry Madsen because I wanted to help you. I put my liberty at risk because I couldn’t bear to see you hurt. So, what I did I did for wholly unselfish reasons.
:'''DCI Luther''':  I don’t…
:'''Alice Morgan''': Yes, you do. &quot;The mind is its own place and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.&quot; The universe isn’t evil, John, it’s just indifferent. That hasn’t changed. It can’t. But what I did for you, proved something to me. Something I hadn’t believed until that moment.
:'''DCI Luther''': What?
:'''Alice Morgan''': It’s you who’s right. There is love in the world.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''DSU Teller''': 'The evidence won't leave our sight for a second'? 
:'''DCI Luther''': We'll get it back. 
:'''DSU Teller''': We'd better, 'cause, right this second, I'm pedaling thin air like [[w:Wile E. Coyote|Wile E. Coyote]]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''DSU Teller''': ''[about Evangeline Nixon]'' Anything? 
:'''DS Ripley''': Not a word, no prints on record, no nothing. 
:'''DCI Luther''': You know, she may not have been our problem up until now, but she's been someone's. You don't start off at kidnapping, you work your way up to it. Why don't you send her details to [[w:John Munch|Detective Munch]] in New York. He's Special Victims Unit there.

=== ''Episode 6'' [1.06] ===
:'''Alice Morgan''': In 1988, two psychologists published an article arguing that positive self-deception is a normal and advantageous part of most people’s lives. It turns out, people lie to themselves about three things: they view themselves in implausibly positive ways, they think they have far more control over their lives than they actually do, and they believe the future will be better than the evidence of the present can possibly justify. But, you’re way beyond that now. You’re on the other side of that particular mirror. Lying to yourself isn’t going to help anymore.

== Series 2 ==
=== ''Series 2, Episode 1'' [2.01] ===

=== ''Series 2, Episode 2'' [2.02] ===

=== ''Series 2, Episode 3'' [2.03] ===

=== ''Series 2, Episode 4'' [2.04] ===

== Cast ==
* [[Idris Elba]] - Detective Chief Inspector John Luther
* [[w:Ruth Wilson (actress)|Ruth Wilson]] - Alice Morgan
* [[w:Indira Varma|Indira Varma]] - Zoe Luther
* [[w:Warren Brown (actor)|Warren Brown]] - Detective Sergeant Justin Ripley
* [[w:Steven Mackintosh|Steven Mackintosh]] - Detective Chief Inspector Ian Reed
* [[w:Saskia Reeves|Saskia Reeves]] - Detective Superintendent Rose Teller
* [[w:Paul McGann|Paul McGann]] - Mark North
* [[w:Dermot Crowley|Dermot Crowley]] - Detective Chief Inspector/Detective Superintendent Martin Schenk
* [[w:Nikki Amuka-Bird|Nikki Amuka-Bird]] - Detective Sergeant Erin Gray

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} 
*{{IMDb title|1474684|Luther}}

[[Category:BBC shows]]
[[Category:Crime TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:UK TV shows]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Happy Endings (TV series)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>137094</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147535</id>
      <parentid>2888214</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:24:37Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* External links */ r/m Template:Tv.com show</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="11751" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Happy Endings (TV series)|Happy Endings]]''''' (2011–2013) was an American comedy TV show, airing on on [[w:American Broadcasting Company|ABC]], that followed the lives of six friends living in Chicago: married yuppies Brad and Jane; Alex, Jane's ditzy sister; Dave, a food truck owner who used to be engaged to Alex; Dave's gay roommate, Max; and their chronically single friend, Penny.

{{tv-stub}}
== Season 1 ==
=== ''Pilot'' [1.01] ===
:'''Jane''': Um I'm gonna need vodka in a water glass with ice and I'm gonna be ordering water from you all night long so... one... water, please.
:'''Waitress''': Did we start already or do you really want water?
:'''Jane''': Just bring me vodka.
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Penny''': Thanks for coming everybody. It feels like only yesterday that I was born during the 1984 Olympics, a young Jewess, 26 years ago.
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Brad''': Wow.
:'''Penny''': Rollerblades?
:'''Max''': Even I think rollerblades are gay. And I had sex with a dude last night.

=== ''The Quicksand Girlfriend'' [1.02] ===
:'''Max''': Half black's God's Photoshop. Worst-case scenario you're looking at the chick from Avatar.
:'''Jane''': She's blue.

=== ''Your Couples Friends &amp; Neighbors'' [1.03] ===
:'''Max''': Are you part of the conspiracy? Are you all doing this because you think l'm chubby? My doctor says l retain water like a pregnant woman in a humid climate, which is a real condition.

=== ''Mein Coming Out'' [1.04] ===

=== ''Like Father, Like Gun'' [1.05] ===
:'''Penny''': ''[on her semester abroad in Florence]'' Ah, those sweet Chianti-soaked nights, strolling the banks of the Arno, meeting amazing people from all over the Big 10.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Penny''': Oh, my God! When I get drunk, I speak Italian!
:'''Alex''': ''[her face and hands smeared with sauce]'' Oh, my God! When I get drunk, I eat ribs!

=== ''Of Mice &amp; Jazz-Kwon-Do'' [1.06] ===

=== ''Dave of the Dead'' [1.07] ===

=== ''The Girl with the David Tattoo'' [1.08] ===

=== ''You've Got Male'' [1.09] ===

=== ''Bo Fight'' [1.10] ===

=== ''Barefoot Pedaler'' [1.11] ===

=== ''The Shershow Redemption'' [1.12] ===

=== ''Why Can't You Read Me?'' [1.13] ===

== Season 2 ==
=== ''Blax, Snake, Home'' [2.01] ===

=== ''Baby Steps'' [2.02] ===

=== ''Yesandwitch'' [2.03] ===
:'''Max''': ''[acting as a tour guide with his limo]'' Welcome to Chicago! Now here's a fun fact. Chicago was originally nicknamed the Window City, but another city had that nickname first, so, thanks a lot, Omaha!
:'''Tourist''': Really? That doesn't sound right.
:'''Max''': Aah ...
:'''Jane''': Yes, it is true. We are from Omaha, and that is a true fact. We are called the Window City because of our famous Window Museum. It's a lot of looking right through other parts of the museum.

=== ''Secrets and Limos'' [2.04] ===
:'''Max''': You guys watching Marty's show, ''[[Boardwalk Empire]]''?
:'''Jane''': Marty?
:'''Max''': [[Martin Scorsese|Marty Scorsese]].
:'''Dave''': Martin Scorsese. You can't call him that. You're not his buddy.
:'''Max''': I'm sorry, I like to call celebrities by the name they prefer: [[Robert De Niro|Bobby De Niro]], [[Sandra Bullock|Sandy Bullock]], [[w:Edward James Olmos|Eddie Jimmy Olmos]].

=== ''Spooky Endings'' [2.05] ===

=== ''Lying Around'' [2.06] ===
:'''Dave''': Have you ever felt like the [[w:Big Mac|Big Mac]] wasn't big enough? Or the foot long wasn't feet long enough? Well, have no fear, ladies and gentlemen, and feast your eyes upon ''[Max removes the cover from the plate]'' steaktanic! Two pounds of meat.
:'''Max''': Steaktanic.
:'''Dave''': One liter of garlic aeoli.
:'''Max''': Steaktanic.
:'''Dave''': A half a block of smoked Gouda. Three layers of lettuce ... iceberg, dead ahead.
:'''Jane''': Wow, that is disgusting ... and illegal, I think.
:'''Max''': Steaktanic.

=== ''The Code War'' [2.07] ===

=== ''Full Court Dress'' [2.08] ===
:'''Penny''': ''[to Jane]'' I don't even understand what you're raising money for. Animals for Change. Are you trying to genetically modify animals?
:'''Brad''': I want a teacup rhino.
:'''Jane''': &quot;Animals for Change&quot; helps to protect endangered species. Except for pandas. They have plenty of money. They are like the breast cancer of animal charities.
:'''Penny''': Okay, so someone else will be crafting your opening remarks.

=== ''Grinches Be Crazy'' [2.09] ===

=== ''The Shrink, The Dare, Her Date And Her Brother'' [2.10] ===

=== ''Meet the Parrots'' [2.11] ===

=== ''Makin' Changes!'' [2.12] ===
:'''Alex''': Woo! I'm so excited. An intervention? It's like having a surprise party for someone that's going to hate you.

=== ''The St. Valentine’s Day Maxssacre'' [2.13] ===

=== ''Everybody Loves Grant'' [2.14] ===

=== ''The Butterfly Effect Effect'' [2.15] ===

=== ''Cocktails &amp; Dreams'' [2.16] ===
:'''Alex''': Hello filthies. Look who I ran into at my new favorite vegan eatery &quot;Café Thankful&quot;.
:'''Penny''': Avi...
:'''Avi''': Namaste, Penny.
:'''Alex''': Turns out we're both into cleanses.
:'''Avi''': My cleanse is pretty next level. I'm only eating clear foods, and I've given up all sexual intimacies. That's right, y'all. Avi's celibate.
:'''Penny''': Are you sure that's a choice, Avi?
:'''Avi''': Good dig. But jealousy is not a sweat pant that fits you well.
:'''Max''': Bu-bu-burn!
:'''Alex''': ''[goes for a high five]'' Oh yeah...
:'''Avi''': Please, don't touch me! I'll explode like a water bottle on a cross country flight to Albuquerque.
:'''Max''': Where's that flight from?
:'''Avi''': JFK.
:'''Penny''': Get out of my bed room!

=== ''The Kerkovich Way'' [2.17] ===

=== ''Party of Six'' [2.18] ===
:'''Max''': You know what I was thinking about? If [[Mary Tyler Moore]] married and then divorced [[w:Steven Tyler|Steven Tyler]], then married and divorced [[Michael Moore]], then got into a three-way lesbian marriage with [[Demi Moore]] and [[w:Mandy Moore|Mandy Moore]], would she go by the name Mary Tyler Moore Tyler Moore Moore Moore? Hm.

=== ''You Snooze, You Bruise'' [2.19] ===

=== ''Big White Lies'' [2.20] ===

=== ''Four Weddings and a Funeral (Minus Three Weddings and One Funeral)'' [2.21] ===

== Season 3 ==
=== ''Cazsh Dummy Spillionaires'' [3.01] ===
:'''Jane''': You know that I love a Penny pile-on as much as the next slut but that was a massive fall and we should all thank our lucky stars that Penny made it out unscathed.
:'''Penny''': Uh friendos...I did not make it out unscathed. I am extremely scathed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alex''': Trust us, the last thing we want is for things to get complicated like in ''[[w:It's Complicated (film)|It’s Complicated]]'' so we’re just gonna go with it, like in ''[[w:Just Go with It|Just Go with It]]'' and just be friends with benefits like in ''[[w:No Strings Attached (2011 film)|No Strings Attached]]''!

=== ''Sabado Free-Gante'' [3.02] ===
:'''Jane''': Are we gonna see any other Jackson Fives tonight? Yep. Are we gonna see any marionettes? Mos’ def. Are we gonna see any “Mos Def”s? I wouldn’t know it if we saw it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brad''': I miss time of the month club the most. Don’t worry it’s not what you think! It’s a clock. That tells you when you’re going to get your period.

=== ''Boys II Menorah'' [3.03] ===
=== ''More Like Stanksgiving'' [3.04] ===
=== ''P&amp;P Romance Factory'' [3.05] ===
=== ''To Serb with Love'' [3.06] ===
=== ''No-Ho-Ho'' [3.07] ===
:'''Jane''': ''[After Brad's suggestion to postpone Christmas in favour of celebrating Janemas]'' What's Janemas?
:'''Alex''': You're going to do everything you would normally do on your July birthday. I'm going to take you shopping, we're going to get our nails did, and then we're going to throw you the best birthday party ever.
:'''Jan''': Guys, I really appreciate what you're trying to do okay, but you can't shut Christmas out. It's unstoppable.
:'''Brad''': Oh, we're stopping it, missy, today. Alex is going to keep her weird present opening fetish under wraps, no pun intended. 
:'''Alex''': I don't get it anyway.
:'''Brad''': And Max is going to be eggnostic for the day, pun intended.
:'''Max''': I'm not saying there is eggnog, I'm not saying there's not eggnog, what I'm saying is, there's no way to know for sure.
:'''Alex''': I really don't get that one.
:'''Penny''': There is going to be zero evidence of Christmas on your birthday.
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Alex''': Recycle? What is this, Portland?

=== ''Fowl Play/Date'' [3.08] ===
=== ''Ordinary Extraordinary Love'' [3.09] ===
:'''Alex''': OK, let's do this. What's my gay category?
:'''Derrick''': OK, you're a twink, but I've seen you eat so you're a sloppy twink, which is not as much fun as it sounds. Penny, you drink a lot, you are really loud and you have a lot of embarrassing stories about dating. Bitch, you are a hag.
:'''Penny''': But I used to be a beard so I take that as a win.
:'''Jane''': I thought I was a hag.
:'''Derrick''': No, you're a top, plain and simple.
:'''Jane''': Damn right I am.
:'''Dave''': Oh, I know what I am. I'm a scruffy power bottom because I have a goatee and I do lots of glute exercises.
:'''Derrick''': Your reasoning is wrong but your conclusion is correct.
:'''Brad''': Do me, do me.
:'''Derrick''': Oh, would that I could. Would that I freaking could.

=== ''KickBall 2: The Kickening'' [3.10] ===
=== ''The Ex Factor'' [3.11] ===
:'''Max''': ''[takes out a wad of cash]'' Anyway, don't worry about the check, guys. I got this one.
:'''Dave''': What? Whoa.
:'''Max''': I have a little bit of disposable income these days.
:'''Jane''': Max, you cannot have disposable income when you owe us 11,000 dollars and three cats.
:'''Max''': You'll get those cats when you get those cats, Jane. And the reason I have all this extra casheesh is because my new roommate decided to pay me five months' rent in advance.
:'''Dave''': Ah yes, el nuevo roommate. When are we going to meet this guy?
:'''Max''': Oh no, you won't. I told that guy that we are going to live totally separate lives. I will not make the same mistake I made with my last roommate and get all invested in his personal business.
:'''Dave''': That was me.
:'''Max''': Yeah, and I will not make that blunder again.

=== ''The Marry Prankster'' [3.12] ===
:'''Dave''': We can prank him, beat him at his own game. We'll give him a shot of pre-vengeance, with a dose of pre-taliation, and finish him off with a load of pre-come-uppance.

=== ''Our Best Friend's Wedding'' [3.13] ===
:'''Max''': My only previous interracial relationship was with a [[w:Basque_people|Basque]], but it ended 'cause, for a separatist, he was quite clingy.
:'''Alex''': Welp. You know what they say, it's not a good gang hang until someone takes a major shot to the face.

=== ''In the Heat of the Noche'' [3.14] ===
=== ''The Straight Dope'' [3.15] ===
=== ''The Incident'' [3.16] ===
=== ''Bros Before Bros'' [3.17] ===
=== ''She Got Game Night'' [3.18] ===
=== ''The Storm Before the Calm'' [3.19] ===
=== ''The Ballad of Lon Sarofsky'' [3.20] ===
=== ''Un-sabotagable'' [3.21] ===
=== ''Deuce Babylove 2: Electric Babydeuce'' [3.22] ===
=== ''Brothas &amp; Sisters'' [3.23] ===

== Cast ==
* [[w:Eliza Coupe|Eliza Coupe]] – Jane Kerkovich-Williams
* [[w:Elisha Cuthbert|Elisha Cuthbert]] – Alex Kerkovich 
* [[w:Zachary Knighton|Zachary Knighton]] – Dave Rose 
* [[w:Adam Pally|Adam Pally]] – [[w:Max Blum|Max Blum]] 
* [[w:Damon Wayans, Jr.|Damon Wayans, Jr.]] – Brad Williams 
* [[w:Casey Wilson|Casey Wilson]] – Penny Hartz

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} 
* {{imdb title|1587678|Happy Endings}}

[[Category:2010s American sitcoms]]
[[Category:ABC shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Single-camera sitcoms]]
[[Category:LGBT-related sitcoms]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Aqua Something You Know Whatever</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>137469</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147536</id>
      <parentid>3106588</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:24:51Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* External links */ r/m Template:Tv.com show</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="30884" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 1)|1]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 2)|2]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 3)|3]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 4)|4]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 5)|5]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 6)|6]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 7)|7]] | [[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1]] | [[Aqua Something You Know Whatever]] | [[Aqua TV Show Show]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force|'''Main''']]
----
&lt;br&gt;
:''Oooooh, Frylock is tan caliente!''
:''Shake-zula is elegante de la casa'' 
:''y Meatwad is tan grande!''
'''''[[w:Aqua Teen Hunger Force|Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]''''', (also known by various [[w:Aqua Teen Hunger Force#Alternative titles|alternative titles]]), (2000–15) is an [[w:animated series|animated television series]] from the [[w:Cartoon Network|Cartoon Network]]'s [[w:Adult Swim|Adult Swim]] programming block.  The show follows the exploits of three [[w:anthropomorphic|anthropomorphic]] fast food items: [[w:Master Shake|Master Shake]], the milkshake; [[w:Frylock|Frylock]], the carton of French fries; and [[w:Meatwad|Meatwad]], the aptly named wad of meat.

===Big Bro===
:'''Carl''': 'The hell are you doing?
:'''Frylock''': Oh, hey Carl. We're making a Soap Box Derby car. This is my new best bud, Gerald. Say hey, Gerald.
:'''Gerald''': What's up?
:'''Carl''': It looks, uh, a little like 2Wycked.
:'''Frylock''': Yeah man, that's the inspiration.
:''[Pause]''
:'''Carl''': Well, 2Wycked is copyrighted.
:'''Frylock''': Well, I mean, can we...
:'''Carl''': No, you can't. It's a one-of-a-kind original. I can't have you and, uh...ah, what's-his-nuts?
:'''Frylock''': It's Gerald.
:'''Carl''': Whatever his name is, cheapening it with a knock-off.
:'''Frylock''': Carl, look, this is my little brother in the Big Brother Program, okay? I want to show him that not all men in this world are abusive.
:'''Carl''': I'm just saying, that if you continue ripping off my idea, my unique graphics, someone's face is gonna get ripped off. And that ain't a threat, that's a Carl guarantee.
:'''Frylock''': Carl, he's nine.
:'''Carl''': When I was nine, I already had hair on my buttocks, back, and underarm like an animal in the zoo. Life sucks, my friend, 'cause guess what: ''[Carl flips over the soapbox car, destroying it]'' Boom! That just happened.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Oh, come on, Gerald! Get your head out of your ass! This is what I give for your hustle right now!
:'''Frylock''': Carl, please!
:'''Carl''': KICK THAT BALL OR I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!
:'''Frylock''': Chill out, man.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Carl''': She's gone. Awesome. [Carl laughs] Wait a minute.

===Chicken and Beans===

:'''Carl''': You sing any [[w:Black_Sabbath|Sabbath]]?
:'''Meatwad''': Mmm...mostly originals
:'''Carl''': How 'bout [[w:Ronnie_James_Dio|Dio]], God rest his soul
:'''Meatwad''': I don't know. We might throw in a cover, you never know.
:'''Carl''': How 'bout [[w:One_(Metallica_song)|&quot;One&quot;]]? That song where the guy came back from the war and he's just an eyeball.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Meatwad''': I am super nervous
:'''Frylock''': C'mon Meatwad, as long as I've known you this has been your dream, man!
:'''Meatwad''': I can't be pursuing every dream. I mean, last night I had a dream where I was swimming with [[w:Joey_Fatone|Joey Fatone]] of [[w:NSYNC|NSYNC]] and then he turned into a corn dog and my teeth fell out. How am I supposed to achieve ''that''?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frylock''': Look, I told you, this was just a quick trip to bring him back home; you barely need to be here. And you definitely don't need your guitar.
:'''Master Shake''': I brought all of them. You know, in case I want to export some different sounds. Did you think about that? And while you're thinkin', why don't you snag my effects pedals and the acoustics and I'll meet you in the cab
:'''Frylock''': I'll see you at the hotel
:'''Master Shake''': Wait! I have no money!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[At the end of the episode, Shake finds that he is sued for copyright infringement of his song, Bruschetta Nights (parody of &quot;Big City Nights&quot; by The Scorpions) and is to appear at court. He appears wearing an homage to The Scorpions' &quot;Blackout&quot; album and Meatwad is in the time out corner being grounded]''
:'''Meatwad''': Hey, can I come out of the quiet corner yet?
:'''Frylock''': Yeah, I guess so. We need to take this jackass to court. Oh, you're not wearing that.
:'''Shake''': Forks, yes! We'll see who has the last &quot;sting&quot; in court, Scorpions!

===Shirt Herpes===
:'''Carl''': This shirt, it's new
:'''Master Shake''': Whoa!
:'''Carl''': Pretty awesome, ain't it?
:'''Master Shake''': Now that is cool
:'''Carl''': It's the balls
:'''Master Shake''': ''[Reads the shirt]'' &quot;The Interplanetary Insanitarium.&quot; Is that, like, a band or a road show, or...?
:'''Carl''': Maybe, I dunno. It is a cool shirt though
:'''Master Shake''': But it's still just a shirt. What else?
:'''Carl''': Nah, I mean, r-really look at this badass shirt. 
:''[A long pause]'' 
:'''Carl''': Wouldn't it be cool to be in that world, huh?
:'''Master Shake''': Yeah, I don't wear shirts. Can't really find anything in my size. Big and round, wide collar, no shoulders...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Carl''': Smithed from iron ore. Crafted from liquid magma by one of the three demons. Satan's slaves. In the mine of a volcano.
:'''Master Shake''': Volcanoes have minds?!
:'''Carl''': Some do, yeah
:'''Master Shake''': I had no idea volcanoes were self aware
:'''Carl''': This one was. Look, uh, don't interrupt. I'm losin' momentum here.
:'''Master Shake''': Okay
:'''Carl''': Anyway, demon one, his name was...uh, [[w:Uno_(card_game)|Uno]]. And his brothers was named [[w:Yahtzee|Yahtzee]] and [[w:Boggle|Boggle]]. They was selected to guard this shirt with their lives, from me.
:'''Master Shake''': You were alive...back then?
:'''Carl''': I was. Yes, I was
:'''Master Shake''': I thought you were, like, in your forties
:'''Carl''': Forty thousand......million
:'''Master Shake''': Damn son
:'''Carl''': Look, let's go with this. No-no interruptions, please
:'''Master Shake''': Right on, man
:'''Carl''': You know at that time, th-there wasn't no such thing as a shirt, you know. We barely had enough mammoth fur to cover our junk, but we liked it that way. 'Cause it allowed me to showcase my lads n' my traps. And plus, the women, I mean, seriously. It's like they're all strippers.
:'''Master Shake''': Strippers everywhere?
:'''Carl''': Yeah. And plus, uh, dragons too
:'''Master Shake''': Dragon strippers? Holy smokes!
:'''Carl''': I know, right? I saw that shirt. I say, &quot;I want that!&quot; I rode up the volcano on my, uh...you know, mythical...it was, uh...you know wh-
:'''Master Shake''': One-eyed Wonder Worm!
:'''Carl''': That-yeah, that's what I was riding
:'''Master Shake''': I've heard you talk about it before!
:'''Carl''': So Yahtzee looks up and he comes at me with a bass solo. Oh man, shouldn't-a done that, 'cause I ripped the ax from his clawed fingers and I swiftly beheaded him. All this, and I still continued to bass solo! From, uh...is it, like a [[w:Geddy_Lee|Geddy Lee]] deep cut. [[w:Moving_Pictures_(Rush_album)|Moving Pictures]], maybe it was [[w:YYZ_(instrumental)|YYZ]], I don't know. I didn't miss a note, I know that. Boggle looks up at me from his drum kit and he goes, &quot;You don't kill my brother&quot;. He says something cooler than that; that was the gist of it. Yeah, he regretted the day I come to the Interplanetary Insanitarium. So then Uno sees this, right? And he aims all his amps at me and he tries to bring the thunder. But I got earplugs in, and it ain't no match for me. I got my junk ready, full-on, in chub mode, and reflects the thunder back at him. And it explodes his face and it melts it off. So I wore this shirt and I ruled the Interplanetary Insanitarium for a thousand years like a god. My name: The Gorn Lord.
:'''Master Shake''': So this is you on this shirt
:'''Carl''': I lost a little up top since then. My point is a thousand years have passed. And I must pass this shirt down to a new warrior king. A new Gorn Lord who will rule the kingdom of Hair Metal Mountain, as a Mighty God...of Rock!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Boggle''': Who dares step foot on Metal Mountain?
:'''Yahtzee''': IN THE INTERPLANETARY INSANITARIUUUUM!
:'''Master Shake''': It is I, the Gorn Lord Shake
:''[Pause]''
:'''Uno''': Wow. That's an ugly shirt
:'''Master Shake''': The shirt chose me...to rule over you...as a god...as it had chose Carl before me
:'''Boggle''': Carl bought that outside a gas station on the turnpike along with a set of [[w:Molly_Hatchet|Molly Hatchet]] mudflaps
:'''Yahtzee''': MUDFLAAAAAAPS!
:'''Master Shake''': But he doesn't drive a truck
:'''Uno''': Yeah, he framed them and, uh, put them on his rec room wall
:'''Yahtzee''': REC ROOOOOOOOM!
:'''Master Shake''': Now, wait, are you saying that there's more than one of these shirts?
:'''Uno''': No, I'm not saying that. I'm saying there's about 18 more of those shirts, hanging on the rack at the gas station.
:'''Master Shake''': So...there are 18 more Gorn Lords I must defeat
:'''Uno''': No, just shirts. Uh, I think they're giving them away free with a fill-up.

===Rocket Horse Jet Chicken===

:'''Meatwad''': What's Jet Chicken like in private moments?
:'''Rocket Horse''': You really wanna know?
:'''Meatwad''': Yeah, you know I do! I'm a huge fan, man!
:'''Rocket Horse''': Well, uh...he's kinda paranoid, he has an unhealthy obsession with food, he gets angry at the drop of a hat and starts suing everyone in sight. But, you know, for the most part he's a...... fat, lazy, piece of shit.
:'''Meatwad''': Dang.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rocket Horse''': Hey, there he is, Jet Chicken. Oh, so glad you're back, man!
:'''Jet Chicken''': If you expect me to sign autographs all afternoon in the hot sun, then I expect toilet tissues and scented candles in my private toilet area!
:'''Rocket Horse''': ''[laughs sarcastically]'' That's really funny, Jet Chicken. But, uh, hey, we got a fan here.
:'''Jet Chicken''': Want my autograph?
:'''Meatwad''': Yeah, absolutely! Can you make it out to, &quot;My biggest fan, Meatwad&quot;?
:'''Jet Chicken''': ...Oh, I'd love to, but we're only paid to sign until 4:00, and ''it's already '''4:08 JERRY!''''' Fucking Jerry.
:'''Rocket Horse''': Whoa whoa whoa...
:'''Jet Chicken''': Where's that piece of shit?!
:'''Rocket Horse''': ...*chuckles* calm down now. He said he had to go to the bank.
:'''Jet Chicken''': Fucker's spending his days at the bank, you and I are out here signing autographs at a parking lot that's ''hotter than the surface '''OF THE FUCKING SUN!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rocket Horse''': Hey, ya mind helping me pack up the inflatable, here.
:'''Meatwad''': I'll help
:'''Rocket Horse''': No, him. I want it to be him, all right? I gotta do this myself EVERY GODDAMN TIME!
:'''Jet Chicken''': Rocket Horse, I will help as soon as I get out of the bathroom.
:'''Rocket Horse''': You just ''went'' to the bathroom.
:'''Jet Chicken''': I know, but I think all those soda refills really did a number on that gyro. Why do you think I picked up the chili dog on the way home? *grunt, splashing is then heard* Had to throw most of it out. Greek Special, my ass.
:'''Rocket Horse''': Yeah, try &quot;chili ''dogs''eseses&quot;. FIVE of them. Plus onion rings.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jet Chicken''': *still in the bathroom* Ooh! Fan! Fan! Come to me at once!
:'''Meatwad''': Whatcha need Jet Chicken? You want me to gobble for justice? *makes gobbling noises*
:'''Jet Chicken''': ...No, I-I don't know what that is. Listen, I need a wet vac in here. *brown toilet water spills out of the bathroom* This... this thing's overflowing.
:'''Rocket Horse''': There's no wet vac out here. All right? Jerry didn't provide one.
:'''Jet Chicken''': Fucking Jerry. Of course he didn't provide one! Fan!
:'''Meatwad''': I'm here.
:'''Jet Chicken''': I've got a job for you when I get out of here.
:'''Meatwad''': Okey dokey, just tell me when.
:'''Jet Chicken''': ...Actually, come on in here. I need help getting out of here. That's all I need to do is slip on one of these things and break my elbow again.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Meatwad rings a doorbell. There is no answer]''
:'''Jet Chicken''': Ring it again.
:'''Meatwad''': *rings it three times* ...I don't think no one's home.
:'''Jet Chicken''': He's home. His Jeep's here. Ring it again.
:'''Meatwad''': *rings again* ...Maybe he's asleep.
:'''Jet Chicken''': How would you know?! Are you in there?!
:'''Rocket Horse''': Ah c'mon, lay off Jet. He's doing you a favor.
:'''Jet Chicken''': Look, if he sees me on his lawn waving a gun around, he's gonna pretend not to be home.
:'''Meatwad''': ...M-maybe you oughtta hide better over there behind the bushes.
:'''Jet Chicken''': Oh, good idea, Fan. And maybe I oughtta pull out Ultra Beak and show you how it works. One peck to the brain, it's over!
:''[Jet Chicken fires his gun in the air, setting off the house's security alarm]''
:'''Rocket Horse''': Okay. Great. Now he knows we're out here.
:'''Jet Chicken''': Rocket Horse, kick the door in!
:'''Rocket Horse''': ''YOU'' kick the door in!
:'''Jet Chicken''': *farts* Oh god. Did someone see a bathroom around here? *notices the nearby Jeep* Ah, sunroof. *climbs on top of it* Well, looky looky looky. *starts defecating in it* Ahhh... Mr. Fancy, with your big house in the suburbs!
:'''Meatwad''': ...Is this, like, the headquarters of some supervillain or something?
:'''Jet Chicken''': ''[still crapping; it seems to stop for a moment, but then...]'' Ooh. No, wait a minute. Nope, not quite done yet. ''[he craps even harder]''
:'''Rocket Horse''': It's the doctor who fouled up his gastric bypass.
:'''Jet Chicken''': Go ahead, tell 'im how the damn thing leaks every time I eat.
:'''Rocket Horse''': It's...it's not. This is what happens when you don't exercise and you order queso with everything.
:'''Jet Chicken''': NUH UH!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jet Chicken''': Did you bring paper?
:'''Meatwad''': Got the receipt from dinner, but I kinda need that 'cause you guys said you'd reimburse me...
:'''Jet Chicken''': *wipes himself with it and throws it to the ground* Ooh, thanks buddy.
:'''Meatwad''': Ah man.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Doctor''': Listen, man, I'm sorry you feel like I botched your operation, but the judge and the jury both agreed that I was drunk,  and you pulled a gun on me and made me perform surgery on you because you didn't want to pay full price.

===The Granite Family===
:''[Nuclear explosions are going off all over Earth]''
:'''Ignignokt''': Look Err, Earth is remaking &quot;The Granite Family&quot;.
:'''Err''': FUCKING '''''WHAT?!'''''
:'''Ignignokt''': It's a timeless classic, Err. It was made in a [[w:The_Land_Before_Time|land before time.]]
:'''Err''': Land before time, or [[w:The_Land_That_Time_Forgot_(novel)|the land that time forgot]]?
:'''Ignignokt''': No, that's [[w:Land_of_the_Lost_(1974_TV_series)|The Land of the Lost]], you're thinking...
:'''Err''': Oh.
:'''Ignignokt''': With Cha-ka.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Time Warner''': ''[in a voice similar to [[w:Porky Pig|Porky Pig]]]'' I own time travel. It's muh-eh-my thing and if you use it, I'll t-uh-t-uh-tell you to cease and, eh, d-d-d-desist.
:'''Frylock''': Oh c'mon man, you don't have the market on this. Tons of people have done it. &quot;Time Bandits&quot;...
:'''Time Warner''': Own it!
:'''Frylock''': &quot;Terminator&quot;...
:'''Time Warner''': Own it!
:'''Frylock''': ''Timecop''...
:'''Time Warner''': Own it!
:'''Master Shake''': &quot;Timecop 2: The Berlin Decision&quot;...
:'''Time Warner''': Own it!
:'''Master Shake''': &quot;The Butterfly Effect&quot;...
:'''Time Warner''': Own it!
:'''Frylock''': &quot;Butterfly Effect 2&quot;...
:'''Time Warner''': Own it!
:'''Frylock''': &quot;Butterfly Effect 3: Revelations&quot;...
:'''Time Warner''': Own it!
:'''Master Shake''': &quot;Timescape&quot;...
:'''Time Warner''': Eh-m-eh-Own it!
:'''Frylock''': &quot;Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time&quot;...
:'''Time Warner''': Own it!
:'''Master Shake''': &quot;Hot Tub Time Machine&quot;...
:'''Time Warner''': Own it!
:'''Master Shake''': &quot;Timerider: The Adventure of Lyle Swann&quot;...
:'''Time Warner''': OWN IT!
:''[Long pause]''
:'''Master Shake''': ...&quot;Brian's Song.&quot;
:'''Time Warner''': Own it!

===Bookie===
:''[Shake's fingers are broken by Dante the bookie]''
:'''Carl''': Now's the time where you give him the money.
:'''Master Shake''': I don't know what to say here! I mean... [sniffles] you can't get blood out of a stone!
:'''Carl''': Oh yeah? Show him, Dante.
:''[Dante proceeds to literally squeeze blood out of a stone]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Shake is pawning off a lawnmower and a broken TV]''
:'''Pawnbroker''': This...is not worth a thousand dollars
:'''Master Shake''': Fine. We'll go with the initial offer of forty. I make my money work for me.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Looking at betting charts]''
:'''Master Shake''': What do all those numbers mean? Is that, like, all the money I can win?
:'''Carl''': Oh yeah, yeah, that's how it works. You like football?
:'''Master Shake''': Oh sure, I love that one. The college guys who wear helmets and protect their brains.
:'''Carl''': He-Hey! We got a football fan over here!
:''[Meatwad empties his tip jar on the counter]''
:'''Master Shake''': What the hell are you doing here? This is ''my'' get-rich-quick scheme!
:'''Meatwad''': I'm just here to play the odds, man.
:'''Master Shake''': Well, you're here to meet the Wizard of Odds! And I don't even know what that means, but I know it's gonna... suck! For you!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Shake''': Triple or nothin' that Meatwad's eaten by a pack of bees!
:'''Dante''': Yeah. Sure. 100-to-1 odds.
:'''Carl''': Ey, look at that. They'll take the bet.
:'''Master Shake''': That's right. I'm in control here.
:''[Shake gets beaten up by Dante]''
:'''Shake''': It was a fluke! Auuugh, bees lay eggs in him constantly!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Shake''': Do you think you can bring those fingers to Frylock to prove that I'm alive?
:'''Carl''': Yeah, sure. Technically, this don't prove nothin' though.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[On top of a bridge]''
:'''Master Shake''': Hey, when do I get my new cement sneakers?
:'''Dante''': That's a waste of cement. We don't do that anymore. The water's only a couple of inches deep anyways.
:'''Master Shake''': Oh good, I could have drowned.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[On top of a bridge]''
:'''Master Shake''': Finally, the bank shows up. What the hell took you so long?
:'''Meatwad''': Carl, tap his kneecaps.
:'''Master Shake''': No, no, no, no, no, no, no! (Carl hits Shake with a baseball bat) What was that about?
:'''Meatwad''': You remember that sword trick I used to do? The one you said that &quot;You're so good at&quot;.
:'''Master Shake''': Yeah. Too bad we don't have a sword here, otherwise I'd probably just do it.
:'''Meatwad''': No, I'll bet you can't.
:'''Master Shake''': I'll bet I can.
:'''Meatwad''': (Meatwad farts out sword) Well looky, looky.
:'''Master Shake''': Uh, well, the wind's not right. I mean let's see if the weather calms down in the next couple days.
:'''Meatwad''': No, I think we should do this now. 'Cuz I bet you 140 larges that you can't swallow this.
:'''Master Shake''': Fine, watch. And learn! (Master Shake gagging and groaning as he tries to swallow, and ultimately stabs the sword through the back of his throat, blood pouring out of it as a result) There, you happy?
:'''Meatwad''': Well I'll be damned. Guess you did show me.
:'''Master Shake''': Yeah, I'll see you nerds later. (Master Shake, losing a decent amount of blood, groans and falls) Help me up... bitch. Then I'm out of here!

===Fightan Titan===

:'''Bouncer''': Hey, buddy! You need to park whatever that is outside! You're smashing out all our floor lights.
:''Shake''': How would you like if I deposited this giant, copper foot so far up your fat ass, you'll be tasting pennies for a week?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Paul''': I hope you die with the devil's dick in your mouth in Hell!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Paul''': Well, I-I'm with her, getting ice cream.
:'''Frylock''': Mm-hmm.
:'''Paul''': And my dad is there, and I love my dad, but he's always with us.
:'''Frylock''': Oh, yeah.
:'''Paul''': And it's weird because he shows up, and I never mentioned where we were going to be, but somehow he knew, right?
:'''Frylock''': Okay.
:'''Paul''': So then she says, out of nowhere, &quot;I have to go to the car to check the air in the tires.&quot;&lt;br /&gt;So, I'm like, &quot;okay, that's responsible.&quot;
:'''Frylock''': Uh-huh.
:'''Paul''': And then Dad says he has to go to ''his'' car to get his shades. And so I'm like, &quot;cool, get back soon 'cause your ice cream's gonna melt.&quot;
:'''Frylock''': Go ahead.
:'''Paul''': And like two hours pass, so I'm like, &quot;what gives?&quot; And I go to the parking lot...
:'''Frylock''': Okay.
:'''Paul''': ...and they're in ''my'' car, and they act all weird when I show up.
:'''Frylock''': Uh-huh.
:'''Paul''': And she puts her shirt on real quick, and she's in his lap, and I'm like, &quot;what's goin' on?!&quot;
:'''Frylock''': Yeah.
:'''Paul''': And they're all like, &quot;he's just a friend, and why can't I be friends with your father?&quot;&lt;br /&gt;And I'm like, &quot;well, what's his dick doing in your hands?!&quot;
:'''Meatwad''': She's just trying to get your attention. She cares about you, man.
:'''Paul''': I know. I know she does. But they left me there, and they knew I didn't have the money for the ice cream. That's weird, right?
:'''Frylock''': I'm sure her hand slipped, Paul.
:'''Paul''': Hmm, that's what they said. I jus-I always feel like people are lying to me and-and using me...
:'''Frylock''': ''[to Shake]'' Hit the booby cannons.
:''[Shake pulls a lever]''
:'''Paul''': What's that?
:'''Frylock''': Oh, nothing.
:'''Paul''': Good, 'cause I-I thought you said, &quot;hit the booby cannons.&quot; That would've made me awful mad.
:'''Frylock''': No, no, I didn't say nothing. So what else happened on your little ice cream trip?
:'''Shake''': Wait, wait, hang on, I've got booby cannons charging.
:'''Paul''': Why are you charging up booby cannons?
:'''Shake''': You really wanna know?
:'''Paul''': Why did he say that?
:'''Frylock''': Shake, the man is dealing with a lot of pain right now, okay? So let's not talk about what we're doing.
:'''Shake''': He's gonna be dealing with a lot more pain in about...45 minutes to charge?! Oh, my God!
:'''Frylock''': ''[as police arrive]'' Paul, tell me more about your girlfriend.
:'''Paul''': She's really hot. She dresses like a slut all the time, especially when my dad's around. And I'm like, &quot;you can wear that to work?&quot;&lt;br /&gt;And she's like, &quot;yeah,&quot; and I'm like, &quot;okay, well...&quot;
:'''Frylock''': Heh yeah, jealousy can make you crazy, you know? Where we at, Shake?
:'''Shake''': You don't even wanna know. 3%.
:'''Paul''': And then I go to my dad's, and her car's parked there, and it turns out she's not at work at all!
:'''Frylock''': Maybe she quit her job so she and your dad could plan a surprise party for you.
:'''Paul''': Weird. That is exactly what she said.
:'''Frylock''': Where we at, Shake?
:'''Shake''': 4%. Wait. No, went back down.

===Buddy Nugget===

:'''Carl''': This ain't gonna give me, like, crotch cancer or nothing, is it? 
:'''Frylock''': No way, dude. Not for at least 30 years. And by then, you'll be dead from cell phone radiation.
:'''Carl''': Yeah, well, you better be right. 
:''[The Buddy Nugget activates and shocks Carl]'' 
:'''Carl''': AAH! So then, this happens and then, uh, broads just come up here on their knees to give me oral? 
:'''Frylock''': Well, it's not really for that, you know.
:'''Carl:''': Well then what good is it?
:''[A car pulls up]''
:'''Frylock:''': Oh, Carl, here comes your first buddy now.
:'''Dominic''': Watch out, guy.
:'''Carl:''': Whoa, whoa, whoa chief! How about you watch where you're walking here? 
:'''Dominic''': How about you pay attention to where you're standing, asshole?!
:'''Carl''': Hey, last time I checked, I own this puppy, huh?
:'''Dominic''': I walk where I want! What's it to you, butt-nut?! 
:'''Carl''': You're the butt-nut!
:'''Dominic''': C'mon, you want a piece of this?! 
:'''Carl''': Oh, you want a piece of this?! 
:'''Frylock''': Whoa, whoa, whoa easy, guys.
:''[Carl and Dominic start shoving and arguing]''
:'''Frylock''': Hey, hey, hey, no shoving here. It says here that you both like sports. Am I right? 
:'''Dominic''': Yeah, I like sports. So what? 
:'''Carl''': I like sports, yeah.
:'''Dominic''': My team's the best.
:'''Carl''': I know, right? The Giants.
:'''Dominic''': Giants?! Fucking Jets! J-E-T-S! Jets, Jets, Jets, idiot.
:'''Carl:''': Screw you, you fat ginney!
:'''Dominic''': You want to go? 
:'''Carl''': Sorry! 
:'''Dominic''': You want to go? 
:'''Carl''': Sure, bubba.
:''[Carl and Dominic shove and argue some more]''
:'''Frylock''': See? It works! Kind of.
:'''Dominic''': Make a move. Make a move.
:'''Carl''': You like what I do?! How about when I do this?!
:''[Another car pulls up]'' 
:'''Carl Look-alike #2''': What do we got, a gang-bang going on over here, you two? 
:'''Dominic''': What did you say? 
:'''Carl Look-alike #2''': Yeah, I said it, honey.
:'''Dominic''': Come on over here and say that. You step on my friend's lawn, I'm gonna bust your ass! 
:'''Carl''': Your car is badass.
:'''Carl Look-alike #2''': Yeah, I know.
:'''Carl''': Too bad you're a pussy.
:'''Carl Look-alike #2''': You want some of this? 
:'''Carl''': Yeah, I'll take some. 
:'''Carl Look-alike #2''': D'you wanna go?
:'''Carl''': Yeah, I'll take some more.
:'''Dominic''': Who is this guy? 
:'''Carl''': Oh, you want some now? What, you getting bored back there? 
:'''Dominic''': Make a move, asshole!
:'''Carl''':Is that all you got? 'Cause I just took some of it.

:'''Carl''': I don't see no women here.
:'''Dominic''': Break out the schnitzel 'cuz it's a sausage fest!

===Zucotti Manicotti===

:'''Zucotti Manicotti''': You only left a dollar?
:'''Crimson Tightwad''': Well, she was really slow with...the bread
:'''Zucotti Manicotti''': You fiend! Unhand three more dollars!
:'''Crimson Tightwad''': C'mon, three?
:'''Zucotti Manicotti''': She gave you free refills and validated your parking!
:'''Crimson Tightwad''': You're right, Zucotti Manicotti. I was wrong to be a cheapskate.
:'''Zucotti Manicotti''': You've learned a valuable lesson today, Crimson Tightwad. Let's not be cross with each other. It's time to dance!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Meatwad''': I'm sorry Zucotti. I know it ain't part of your manners to shoot somebody in the face. I did what I had to do, you know. And I'm sure you'd respect that if I didn't blow your brains out on the carpet
:'''Master Shake''': Meatwad, sometimes heroes have to die. Just like Spartacus and Krull and The Beastmaster. Even E.T.
:'''Meatwad''': E.T. phoned home. He-he didn't die
:'''Master Shake''': After the credits, he died immediately
:'''Meatwad''': No! Not E.T.!
:'''Master Shake''': Oh yeah. When his people picked E.T. up on Earth he smelled so much like them little kids that they turned on him and then they ate him while he was still alive
:'''Meatwad''': Noooo!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[At the end of the episode, Meatwad is traumatized from his experience with Shake and Zucotti Manicotti]''
:'''Frylock''': He won't move. He won't talk. He just keeps...staring at the wall.
:'''Master Shake''': ''And'' he doesn't hog the TV anymore. I crushed this deal, holla!
:'''Frylock''': Shake, look, you saw the noose made out of shoelaces in his room, didn't you?
:'''Master Shake''': I thought that was, like, one of them, uh, you know, Indian dreamcatcher things...that he decided to hang himself with.
:'''Frylock''': Yeah well, 'cause of you I gotta push Prozac in his cat food for the next god-knows-how-long, and good luck getting him to eat it!
:'''Master Shake''': He gets wet food?! ''[eats cat food out of a bag]'' I'm the one who's alive and relevant!

===Totem Pole===
:'''Carl''': ''[Trying to sell &quot;Totem Pole&quot; tickets]'' Eight...bucks a pop. How about that?
:'''Frylock''': No
:'''Carl''': Four bucks. C'mon.
:'''Frylock''': Nope
:'''Carl''': I'm gonna eat 95 tickets if you don't buy these!
:'''Frylock''': 95 tickets?
:'''Carl''': There was a 96 ticket limit online. Figured I could flip 'em at the show. I may have overestimated demand for Totem Pole.
:'''Meatwad''': Y'can sell 'em Carl. You're a good salesman. I'm hooked and I don't even know what it is
:'''Carl''': Fine. Free. Merry Fucking Christmas! 'Cause you got a free Totem Pole show out of this!
:'''Meatwad''': You know that ad that says, &quot;The best things in life are free&quot;? I believe it, and that's why I wanna go.
:'''Master Shake''': Yeah, me too. I'm the demographic for free, because I'm unemployable
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frylock''': Lotta songs about forming human totem poles and shoving heads up asses
:'''Carl''': Yeah, they're way into that. Check it out: &quot;Poles on Patrol&quot;, &quot;Poles &amp; Souls&quot;, &quot;Poleorite&quot;, &quot;Glory Pole&quot;, that's the seminal album; that's the desert island disc. &quot;Poleing Place&quot;, they got very political in that one. &quot;For Whom the Bell Poles&quot;, classic. &quot;Polegasm&quot;, classic. &quot;How Many Poles to Screw in the Bulb&quot;, another classic. &quot;Polenight&quot;, &quot;Not Polite to say No to Pole Night&quot;, that's their first English-speaking album. &quot;Ringthrust&quot;, that's a double album, and it also marks the first time they didn't use the word &quot;Pole&quot; in their album title.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Master Shake''': How are we gonna get home, Carl?
:'''Carl''': I can drive, I've only had about 8 beers.
:'''Master Shake''': Yeah. But can you see?
:'''Carl''': Not where I wanna see. We've better call a cab. Grab the cell phone out of my ass and pass it up to the troll. Ow-oh! Oh! Okay!
:'''Master Shake''': I'm holding it out with my left hand. Reach! With your left! Okay, they're you go! You got it!
:'''Carl''': Hey, Lenny, The cab's on speed dial. Ask for a van with a luggage rack and tell him to bring bungee cords, I think we may have to ride up top. [phone dials, unintelligible scream, Lenny screams and destroys Carl's phone.] So, Lenny. What's it like working with the band? Is Helment as cool as he seemed like on the album covers? [Lenny screams] Whoo! Not a lot of oxygen inside this troll, you know what I mean? (Carl laughs and sighs)
:'''Master Shake''': Who, me?

== External links ==	 
{{wikipedia}}	 
* [http://video.adultswim.com/aqua-something-you-know-whatever/ ''Aqua Something You Know Whatever''] at Adult Swim
* {{imdb title||Aqua Teen Hunger Force}}	 

[[Category:Aqua Teen Hunger Force seasons]]

{| class=&quot;wikitable&quot; border=&quot;1&quot; style=&quot;width:100%; text-align: center;&quot;
| width=&quot;30%&quot; | Preceded by&lt;br&gt;'''''[[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1]]'''''
| width=&quot;30%&quot; | '''''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]'' [[w:List of Aqua Teen Hunger Force episodes|seasons]]'''
| width=&quot;30%&quot; | Succeeded by&lt;br&gt;'''''[[Aqua TV Show Show]]'''''
|}
{{Adult Swim}}</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Scooby-Doo, Where Are You!</title>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="11300" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:Scooby-Doo, Where Are You!|Scooby-Doo, Where Are You!]]''''' (1969–1970) was a [[w:CBS|CBS]] animated television show about four kids and a dog named Scooby-Doo who traveled around in a green van known as &quot;The Mystery Machine&quot; and solved many scary mysteries along the way.

=== ''A Clue for Scooby-Doo'' [1.2] ===

:'''Shaggy''': I can already taste those chocolate-covered hot dogs.
:'''Velma''': Yuck! His stomach must be made of scrap iron.
:'''Shaggy''': Can I help it if my first toy was a garbage disposal?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': We're going back to find out what it was.
:'''Shaggy''': Swell. I'll wait here and when you find out, send me a telegram.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': How did Scooby do that?
:'''Fred''': I guess that's another mystery.

=== ''Hassle in the Castle'' [1.3] ===

:'''Daphne''': ''[after falling through a trapdoor]'' Let me out of here! Let me out of here!
(the trapdoor chute opens up releasing her)
:'''Daphne''': ''[rubbing her side]'' Wow! I wonder how I get out of this creepy inter-sanctum. Well my intuition tells me...that way.
(the phantom's hand then tries to grab her but misses)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': There's a very logical explanation for all this.
:'''Shaggy''': Quick, tell me.
:'''Velma''': The place is haunted.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': You sure picked a spooky day to go boating, Freddy.
:'''Fred''': Well it didn't start out that way. What could've happened?
:'''Velma''': It's very simple. When the barometric pressure dropped and the warm offshore air came in contact with an inland cold front we ran into some unnavigable nucleation.
:'''Fred''': You're right, Velma. Whatever you said.
:'''Velma''': I said we're lost in the fog.
:'''Shaggy''': You buzzed?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
(After Scooby screeches to stop in the sand sending sand at the gang)
:'''Fred''': Hey! If you wanna play in the sand Scooby, leave us out of it, huh?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': I'm so scared I wish I had a ham sandwich.
(a ham sandwich floats down out of nowhere)
:'''Shaggy''': Hmm, now I wish I had some mustard to go with it.
(some mustard floats down)
:'''Shaggy''': This'd better be my imagination, otherwise I'd be scared stiff!
(puts ham sandwich on table next to knight with ax)
:'''Shaggy''': Now if my imagination could like... cut it in half?
(The knight's ax swings down and cuts Shaggy's sandwich in half)
:'''Shaggy''': AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (runs away)
(comes back and grabs sandwich)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': Yeah, but, how do we know the phantom will ever chase Scooby-Doo? He's a dog.
:'''Fred''': Don't worry. We'll soon fix that.

=== ''Mine Your Own Business'' [1.4] ===

:'''Fred''': OK, Shaggy. You work on the combination as I read off the numbers.
:'''Shaggy''': OK, but I need a moment to warm up. Now, I must have absolute quiet while I work. ''[Shaggy starts fiddling with the lock on the safe]''
:'''Fred''': Oh, Shaggy. Shaggy! I have the combination, just turn the knob to the right.
:'''Shaggy''': Well why didn't you say so?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': I've seen enough! Let's go back!
:'''Fred''': Not until we walk around the ghost town and see what we can find.
:'''Shaggy''': Like I know what we'll find.
:'''Daphne''': What?
:'''Shaggy''': Ghosts!

=== ''Decoy for a Dognapper'' [1.5] ===

:'''Fred''': Velma! What are you doing here?

=== ''What the Hex is Going On?'' [1.6] ===

:'''Velma''': Hey look! Suitcases!
:'''Daphne''': Looks like someone just moved in.
:'''Shaggy''': Then let's move out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': It sure would help help if we could find another clue.
:'''Shaggy''': Uh huh. I found one.
:'''Fred''': Groovy! What is it?
:'''Shaggy''': Him. ''[points to ghost]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': How about that? All that advice and she didn't even pay us a dime.
:'''Velma''': I hope that's the end of the customers for a while.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': Zoinks! It's the goony ghost!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sharon''': Uncle Stuart! Why did you do that?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': Hey! What's this? ''[reading the sign]'' &quot;Scooby-Doo was here.&quot; The whole turkey? Gone?

=== ''Never Ape an Ape Man'' [1.7] ===
:'''Shaggy''': Yeah. Like, you got him. King Kong in a flash.

=== ''Foul Play in Funland'' [1.8] ===

:'''Fred''': Well, we saw a very strange character running around out there.
:'''Shaggy''': He was like WEIRDO!
:'''Scooby''': Reah! Reirdo like!
:'''Sarah''': Fiddlesticks. Besides us there is no one else on this island.
:'''Mr. Jenkins''': Sarah's right. Maybe the moonlight was playing tricks on you.
:'''Shaggy''': Man I tell ya-
:'''Fred''': Let it go Shaggy. Sorry to have bothered you, Sir. Let's go gang.
:''[cut to them outside the house, disappointed they didn't believe their story]''
:'''Fred''': How do you like that for small talk?
:'''Velma''': We can't go home now. We know we didn't imagine all those kooky things that happened.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': I sometimes think that you would rather eat a pizza pie than solve a mystery.
:'''Shaggy''': OK, then. Vote for pizza pie. ''[raises hand]''
:'''Scooby''': ''[raises a paw]'' Pizza pie.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Jenkins''': Sarah! What are you doing here?
:'''Sarah''': It was me that caused Charlie to go out of control. I don't think robots should come and work here while children run about to have fun.
:'''Daphne''': She's right. Charlie is nice, but kids need humans.
:'''Scooby''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
:'''Mr. Jenkins''': I never thought about that. I just needed a perfect robot, but don't worry. I'll rebuild him and call him, &quot;Charlie II&quot;.

=== ''The Backstage Rage'' [1.9] ===

:'''Fred''': Do you think that twenty was planned to throw us off?
:'''Daphne''': Why?
:'''Fred''': To make us think nothing fishy was going on in the theater.
:'''Daphne''': And we would never think of going back.
:'''Velma''': I get it. But now what do we do?
:'''Fred''': We go back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': He's gone!
:'''Daphne''': It must have been our imagination.
:'''Shaggy''': Well that was the first time I ever heard mine. 

=== ''Bedlam in the Big Top'' [1.10] ===

:'''Ghost Clown''': ''[hypnotizing Scooby]'' Watch the pretty coin of gold, and you will do as you are told. You are brave, and that's a fact. You will do the high wire act.

=== ''A Gaggle of Galloping Ghosts'' [1.11] ===

=== ''Scooby-Doo and a Mummy Too!'' [1.12] ===

:'''Daphne''': ''[referring to the Mummy of Anka]'' Wow, he could still scare me, Professor.
:'''The Professor''': Don't worry about him, Daphne. Anka is over three thousand years old.
:'''Shaggy''': That's funny. He doesn't look a day over two thousand to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': I'm Tiredsville, and my feet are killing me. Oh, 1, 2, 3, 4 of them. ''[realizing he is sitting on the lap of the Mummy of Anka]'' Zoinks! The mummy!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': Like, what happened?
:'''Velma''': You let the mummy in!
:'''Fred''': And Scooby's with him!

=== ''Which Witch is Which?'' [1.13] ===

:'''Daphne''': You shouldn't believe everything you read.
:'''Witch''': No, my pretty?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''':  Hey, there's a pair of shoes in here. ''[sees a zombie]'' And look what they're attached to!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': ''[when Fred and Velma find her bound and gagged]'' Boy! Am I glad to see you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
(money bags by a tree where Scooby and Shaggy are hiding)
:'''Witch''': &quot;Money money money!&quot;
:'''Zombie''': &quot;Ughh&quot;
(Shaggy and Scooby jump out of bags)
:'''Shaggy''': Here double-ugly go buy yourself a new face!! Ta-ta!

=== ''Go Away Ghost Ship'' [1.14] ===

:'''Shaggy''': The sea water's boiling, Scoob, I wonder what pirates like in their food?
:'''Scooby''': Rains?
:'''Shaggy''': Hey yeah, ghosts like it when it rains, and what else? Oh yeah, some ashes from the stove, you know this could be real good? What else do pirates like?
:'''Scooby''': Robrebs?
:'''Shaggy''': Yeah!
:'''Scooby''': Roap.
:'''Shaggy''': Soap? I hardly use it myself, but why not?

=== ''Spooky Space Kook'' [1.15] ===
:'''Shaggy''': &quot;Scoob, hide the key&quot;
(Scooby Throws it out the window)

(Space kook laughs maniacally)

:'''Shaggy''': Scooby where'd you put the key?
:'''Scooby''': rought ra rindow.
:'''Shaggy''': You threw it out the window?
:'''Shaggy''': We need that key!

(They jump out the window and grab it)

(Come back in and unlock the door)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': In a case like this, Shag and Scoob did exactly the right thing. Let's scram!

=== ''A Night of Fright is No Delight'' [1.16] ===

:'''Cosgood Creeps''': I am Cosgood Creeps, my partner Mr. Crawls couldn't make it tonight.
:'''Shaggy''': Creeps and Crawls! They sure picked the right lawyers for this job.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Four missing heirs, a haunted house, and a Phantom Shadow.
:'''Shaggy''': Like all that's missing is a spooky organ. ''[creepy organ music starts playing]''
:'''Velma''': It's not missing anymore!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': It's the Phantom Shadow!
:'''Fred''': Only he's not a shadow, he's a green ghost!
:'''Shaggy''': Now there's two of them!

=== ''That's Snow Ghost'' [1.17] ===

:'''Mr. Greenway''': Welcome to Wolf's End Lodge. ''[laughs]'' We have all the comforts of home!
:'''Shaggy''': Yeah? Whose home? Dracula's?

=== ''Mystery Mask Mix-Up'' [2.2] ===

:'''Fred''': Now we're all locked in!
:'''Daphne''': And there's no way out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': How do you like that? Outfoxed by a mouse!

=== ''Jeepers, It's the Creeper'' [2.4] ===

:'''Fred''': Come on, let's get out of here while we still can!
:'''Hermit''': Come back! Come back!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': Like, what do we do now?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': The Creeper!
:'''Shaggy''': Zoinks! It's him!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': Oh, no! Scooby's becoming a mother hen all over again!

=== ''A Tiki Scare is No Fair'' [2.6] ===

:'''Velma''': A secret cavern.
:'''Fred''': That is a way out, I hope.

=== ''Don't Fool with a Phantom'' [2.8] ===

:'''Shaggy''': Like, we're safe now. ''[sees the Wax Phantom]'' I think.
:'''Scooby''': Oh, no!!
:'''Shaggy''': Oh, yes!!!

== Cast ==
* [[w:Don Messick|Don Messick]] - [[w:Scooby-Doo (character)|Scooby-Doo]]
* [[w:Casey Kasem|Casey Kasem]] - [[w:Shaggy Rogers|Shaggy Rogers]]
* [[Frank Welker]] - [[w:Fred Jones (Scooby-Doo)|Fred Jones]]
* [[w:Indira Stefanianna|Stefanianna Christopherson]] - [[w:Daphne Blake|Daphne Blake]] (Season 1)
* [[w:Heather North|Heather North]] - Daphne Blake (Season 2)
* [[w:Nicole Jaffe|Nicole Jaffe]] - [[w:Velma Dinkley|Velma Dinkley]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} 
* {{imdb title|0063950|Scooby-Doo, Where Are You!}}
* [http://www2.warnerbros.com/sd_brand/index.html Official Scooby-Doo Website]

[[Category:American TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Children's animated adventure TV shows]]
[[Category:Children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Children's animated fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:Children's animated mystery TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:CBS shows]]
[[Category:ABC shows]]
[[Category:Cartoon Network shows]]
[[Category:Scooby-Doo]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:TV shows about dogs]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>James Howard Kunstler</title>
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        <ip>2001:1388:660:D4AC:9520:5D2B:ACC1:FD5F</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* The Long Emergency (2005) */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
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      <text bytes="83191" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Jim w mustache.jpg|thumb|right]]
'''[[W:James Howard Kunstler|James Howard Kunstler]]''' (born [[October 19]], [[1948]], New York City, New York) is an American author, social critic, public speaker, and blogger.

== Quotes ==
* As modern interpolators might say, the bubonic plague winnowed down Europe’s population to a scale more congenial with its resource base. After that big first wave of the disease, [the] land was cheaper and human labor better rewarded. Eventually, more food got around. Incidentally, '''the plague provoked nostalgia for the classical antiquity of [[Greece]] and [[Rome]], especially among the scholars of [[Florence]], launching the extravaganzas of the [[Renaissance]], the [[Age of Enlightenment|Enlightenment]], and eventually our own pageant of techno-supremacist [[Modernity]].'''
** &quot;Dance Macabre,&quot; May 18, 2020.
* […] Life is tragic and history won’t shed a tear for us if we make poor collective decisions, or adopt beliefs that are inconsistent with reality.
** &quot;The Old American Dream Is a Nightmare,&quot; March 9, 2011.

=== ''[[w:World Made by Hand|World Made by Hand]]'' (2008) ===
Kunstler, James Howard. ''World Made by Hand''. New York, NY: Grove Press, 2008. Print. {{ISBN|978-0-8021-4401-0}}.

* In the early twenty-first century [[farming]] had all but died out here. We got our food from the supermarket, and not everybody cared where the supermarket got it as long as it was there on the shelves. A few elderly dairymen hung on. Many let their fields and pastures go to scrub. Some sold out to what used to be called developers, and they'd put in five or ten poorly build houses. Now, in the new times, there were far fewer people, and many houses outside [the] town were being taken down for their materials. Farming was back. That was the only way we got food.
** Chapter 1, p. 5

* We lived more by the sun than by the clock, but I did own a clock. It was an eight-day windup console clock which I kept on the mantel in the living room, and it was the only timepiece in the house that worked anymore.
** Chapter 4, p. 20

* Living by the clock was an old habit that died hard. Not much that we did required punctuality, but people still wanted to know what time it was.
** Chapter 4, p. 20

* The racket was coming over what used to be our public radio station, WAMC out of [[Wikipedia:Albany, New York|Albany]], but the familiar [...] voices [...] were long gone. Some febrile evangelist was railing from the [[Book of Revelation]].
** Chapter 4, p. 20

* I switched on the television on the outside chance that something might come through. Nothing had been on for years. The local network affiliates withered away after the national network of cable channels went out until there was nothing. 
** Chapter 4, p. 20–21

* I searched the FM band but there was nothing besides other pious pleaders, and they didn't come in too well. The AM band offered about the same thing, only with worse reception, nothing remotely describable as news, and no music because commercial entertainment as we knew it was no more, and its handmaiden, advertising had gone with it.
** Chapter 4, p. 21

* I had one of those steel thermal mugs you carried everywhere with you as a kind of signifier of how busy, and therefore how important you were.
** Chapter 4, p. 22

* It was obvious there would be no return to [what we used to call] &quot;normality.&quot; The [resource-intensive] economy wouldn't be coming back. [[Wikipedia:Globalism|Globalism]] was over. The politicians and generals were failing to pull things together at the center. We would not be returning to Boston. The computer industry, in which so many hopes had been vested, was fading into history.
** Chapter 4, p. 24

* In a world that had become a salvage operation, the general supply evolved into Union Grove's leading industry. When every last useful thing in town had been stripped from the [[Wikipedia:Kmart|Kmart]] and the United Auto, the [[Wikipedia:CVS Pharmacy|CVS drugstore]], and other trading establishments of the bygone national chain-store economy, daily life became a perpetual flea market centered on the old town dump.
** Chapter 5, p. 28

* We regarded [[Wikipedia:Opium|opium]] as a godsend. It did not develop into an illicit trade, though. There was no legal prohibition, no police running around trying to suppress drugs, driving up the price artificially, and no marketing system. There were no distant markets to send it to because shipping anything was slow at best and often unreliable, and travel was something you just didn't do anymore. Anybody could grow their own [[Wikipedia:Papaver somniferum|poppies]] or buy raw opium paste from one of the growers. Farmers made more money growing raspberries or asparagus. They grew poppies as a public service. A few people took to smoking opium, but those with an extremely apathetic attitude toward survival tended not to last long in the new disposition of things.
** Chapter 5, p. 30

* Children [...] had sat in those very box buildings under buzzing fluorescent lights listening to their science teachers prattle about the wonders of space travel and gene splicing and how we were all going to live to be a hundred and twenty-five years old in &quot;smart&quot; computer-controlled houses where all we had to do was speak to bump up the heat or turn on giant home theater screens in a life of perpetual leisure and comfort. It made me sick to think about. Not because there's something necessarily wrong with leisure or comfort, but because that's where our aspirations ended. And in the face of what had actually happened to us, it seemed obscenely stupid.
** Chapter 6, p. 33–34

* Motion is a great tranquilizer.
** Chapter 6, p. 34

* Few dogs were around anymore. Some had been eaten during the hunger that followed the flu in the spring of that year. People didn't talk about it; it was so demoralizing.
** Chapter 7, p. 36

* Jesus [...] look how we live? I'm practically a serf.
** Chapter 7, p. 37

* You could argue people are generally better off now mentally than they were back then. We follow the natural cycles. We eat real food instead of processed crap full of chemicals. We're not jacked up on coffee and television and [...] advertising all the time. No more anxiety about credit card bills.
** Chapter 7, p. 37–38

* We all knew the apparatus of justice had dissolved.
** Chapter 12, p. 57

* As the world changed, we reverted to social divisions that we'd thought were obsolete. The egalitarian pretenses of the high-octane decades had dissolved, and nobody even debated it anymore, including the women of our town. A plain majority of the townspeople were laborers now, whatever in life they had been before. Nobody in town called them peasants, but in effect, that's what they'd become. That's just the way things were.
** Chapter 21, p. 101

* [[Wikipedia:Waterford (town), New York|Waterford]] began its existence as the gateway to the [[Wikipedia:Erie Canal|Erie Canal system]], the first stretch of which was built to bypass several waterfalls on the [[Wikipedia:Mohawk River|Mohawk River]].
** Chapter 28, p. 137

* I remembered Albany [...] as just another down-on-its-luck small American city that had sacrificed its vitality to a whirring ring of homogenous suburbs.
** Chapter 29, p. 140

* We're building our own New Jerusalem up the river. It's a world made by hand, now, one stone at a time, one board at a time, one hope at a time, one soul at a time.
** Chapter 29, p. 142

* Whatever the other failures of the U.S. government were, it had managed to print an excess of dollars which, combined with the collapse of trade and communication, had severely eroded the currency's value.
** Chapter 30, p. 146

* I lay awake [...] listening to the rain drip from the eaves and thinking of the big map that hung from the top of the chalkboard in my primary school in Wilton, Connecticut, so many years ago, back in the days of cars, television, and air-conditioning. The states on this map were muted tones of pink, green, and yellow. Over it hung the flag that we pledged allegiance to every single morning. &quot;One nation under God, indivisible...&quot;
** Chapter 31, p. 150

* I'd been carrying [my Ruger .41 Magnum] so many days that I had almost forgotten it was there. This was the kind of world we now lived in.
** Chapter 36, p. 171

* I argued that the human race should have known it was in trouble, [...] given how insane our way of life had become. Minor quit blowing into his harmonica long enough to say that [[Wikipedia:John D. Rockefeller|John D. Rockefeller]] and the [[Wikipedia:Bush family|Bush family]] had made a deal with the Devil going back all the way to the 1900s.
** Chapter 38, p. 181

* Could we even pretend the law still existed? Or was it something you made up now, as the occasion required?
** Chapter 38, p. 181

* The essence of politics was to not act on your impulses.
** Chapter 42, p. 199

* There's real strangeness in this world of ours. Back in the machine times, there was so much noise front and back, so to speak, it kept us from knowing what lies behind the surface of things. 
** Chapter 55, p. 262

* It was more possible that the human race possessed some spark of divinity that was worth cultivating than that a mysterious ''being'' was up there in the ether somewhere with anthropomorphic qualities of goodness and mercy running the whole show.
** Chapter 65, p. 315–316

* We were content to be undisturbed in our little backwater, Union Grove, [[Wikipedia:Washington County, New York|Washington County]], in a place once called the [[Wikipedia:New York State|Empire State]], where the [[Wikipedia:Battenkill|Battenkill]] runs into the [[Wikipedia:Hudson River|Hudson River]].
** Chapter 65, p. 317

=== ''[[w:The Long Emergency|The Long Emergency]]'' (2005) ===
Kunstler, James Howard. ''The Long Emergency''. New York, NY: Grove Press, 2005. Print. {{ISBN|978-0-8711-3888-0}}.

* It has been [...] hard [...] to make sense of the gathering forces that will fundamentally alter the terms of everyday life in [...] society. Even after the {{w|September 11 attacks|terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001}}, that collapsed the twin towers of the {{w|World Trade Center (1973–2001)|World Trade Center}} and sliced through [[the Pentagon]], [...] [we are] still sleepwalking into [an uncertain] [...] future. We have walked out of our burning house, and we are now headed off the edge of a cliff. Beyond that cliff is an abyss of economic and political disorder on a scale that no one has ever seen before. […]  It is my view, for instance, that in the decades to come the national government will prove to be so impotent and ineffective in managing the enormous vicissitudes we face that the [[United States]] may not survive as a nation in any meaningful sense but […] will devolve into a set of autonomous regions.
** Chapter 1, p. 1.

* It is no exaggeration to state that reliable supplies of cheap [and easy-to-find [[hydrocarbon]]s like] [[oil]] and [[w:natural gas|natural gas]] underlie everything we identify as a benefit of modern life. All the necessities, comforts, luxuries, and miracles of our time [...] owe their origins or continued existence in one way or another to cheap fossil fuel. Even our nuclear power plants [...] depend on cheap [...] [hydrocarbons] for all the procedures of construction, maintenance, and extracting and processing nuclear fuels. The blandishments of cheap oil and gas were so seductive, and induced such transports of mesmerizing contentment, that we ceased paying attention to the essential nature of these miraculous gifts from the [deep] earth: that they exist in finite, nonrenewable supplies, unevenly distributed around the world. To aggravate matters, the wonders of steady technological progress under the reign of oil have tricked us [...] to believe that anything we wish for hard enough can come true. These days, even people in our culture who ought to know better are wishing ardently that a smooth, seamless transition from fossil fuels to their putative replacements [...] lies just a few years ahead. [...] This is a dangerous fantasy. The true best-case scenario may be that some of these technologies will take decades to develop–meaning that we can expect an extremely turbulent interval between the end of cheap oil and whatever comes next. A more likely scenario is that new fuels and technologies may never replace fossil fuels at the scale, rate, and manner at which the [industrial] world currently consumes them.
** Chapter 1, p. 2–3.

* What is [...] not comprehended about this predicament is that the developed world will begin to suffer long before the oil and gas [...] run out. The [[American Dream|American way of life]] [...] can run only on reliable supplies of dependably cheap [hydrocarbons like] oil and gas. Even mild to moderate deviations in [...] supply will crush our economy and make […] daily life impossible. Fossil fuel reserves are not scattered equitably around the world. They tend to be concentrated in places where the native peoples don’t like the West in general [...], places physically very remote, places where we realistically can exercise little control [...]. [...] We can be certain that the price and supplies of fossil fuels will suffer oscillations and disruptions in the period ahead [...]. [...] The decline of fossil fuels is certain to ignite chronic strife between nations contesting the remaining supplies. These resource wars have already begun. There will be more of them. They are [...] likely to grind on and on [...]. They will only aggravate a situation that, in and of itself, could bring down civilizations. The extent of suffering [...] will certainly depend on how tenaciously we attempt to cling to obsolete habits, customs, and assumptions–for instance, how fiercely [...] [we] decide to fight to maintain suburban lifestyles that simply cannot be rationalized any longer.
** Chapter 1, p. 3.

* [[Thomas Robert Malthus|[Thomas] Malthus]] was certainly correct [that demand will outstrip supply], but [...] [hydrocarbons] [...] skewed the [supply-demand] equation over the past [two] hundred years while the human race has enjoyed an unprecedented orgy of [a fraction of] nonrenewable condensed solar energy accumulated over eons of prehistory. The “green revolution” in boosting crop yields was minimally about scientific innovation in crop genetics and mostly about dumping massive amounts of fertilizers and pesticides made [...] of [...] [petroleum] onto crops, as well as employing irrigation at a fantastic scale made possible by abundant oil and gas. The cheap oil age created an artificial bubble of plenitude for a period not much longer than a human lifetime, a hundred years. Within that […], the idea took hold that only grouches, spoilsports, and godless maniacs considered population hypergrowth a problem [with a direct solution], and that to even raise the issue was indecent. [...] As oil ceases to be cheap and the world reserves arc toward depletion, we will indeed suddenly be left with an enormous surplus population [...] that the ecology of the earth [sic] will not support. No political program of birth control will avail. The people are already here. The journey back to non-oil population homeostasis will not be pretty. '''We will discover the hard way that [[w:Baby boom|population hypergrowth]] was simply a side effect of the oil age.''' It was [more of] a condition [without a remedy], not a problem with a [direct] solution. That is what happened, and we are stuck with it.
** Chapter 1, p. 8.

* The high tide of the [...] [industrial] age also happened to be a moment in history when human ingenuity gained an upper hand against the age-old scourges of disease. We have enjoyed the great benefits of antibiotic medicine for [...] a half-century. Penicillin, sulfa drugs, and their descendants briefly gave [hu]mankind the notion that diseases caused by microorganisms could, and indeed would, be systematically vanquished. Or, at least, this was the popular view. Doctors and scientists knew better. [...] The recognition is now growing that the victory over microbes was short-lived. They are back in force, including [...] old enemies such as tuberculosis and staphylococcus in new drug-resistant strains. Other old diseases are on the march into new territories, as a response to climate change brought on by global warming [caused by the burning of fossil fuels]. In response to unprecedented habitat destruction by humans and the invasion of [what we call] wilderness, the earth [sic] itself seems to be sending forth new and much more lethal diseases, as though it had a [...] protective immune system with antibody-like agents aimed with remarkable precision at the source of the problem: ''Homo sapiens''.
** Chapter 1, p. 9–10.

* At the same time, the world is overdue for an extreme influenza epidemic. The last major outbreak was the [[w:Spanish flu|1918 Spanish influenza]], which killed fifty million [and possibly more, as we will not know the real numbers] people worldwide and changed the course of history. […] Disease will certainly play a larger role in the Long Emergency than many can now imagine. An epidemic could paralyze social and economic systems, interrupt global trade, and bring down governments. […] '''At the very least, the Long Emergency will be a time of diminished life spans for many of us, as well as reduced standards of living'''–at least as understood within the current social context. Fossil fuels had the effect of temporarily raising the carrying capacity of the earth. Our ability to resist the environmental corrective of disease will [...] prove to have been another temporary boon of the [...] [industrial] age [...]. So much of what we construe to be among our entitlements to perpetual progress may prove to have been a strange, marvelous, and anomalous moment in [...] history.
** Chapter 1, p. 11–12.

* The so-called global economy was not a permanent institution, [...] but a set of transient circumstances peculiar to a certain time: the […] fossil fuel era. […] Factories could be started up in [[Sri Lanka]] and [[Malaysia]], where swollen populations furnished trainable workers willing to labor for much less than those back in the United States or [[Europe]]. Products then moved around the globe in a highly rationalized system, not unlike the oil allocation system, using immense vessels, automated port facilities, and truck-scaled shipping containers at a minuscule cost-per-unit of whatever was made and transported. Shirts or coffeemakers manufactured 12,000 miles away could be shipped to Wal-Marts all over America and sold cheaply. […] Meanwhile, among economists and government figures, globalism developed [...] [as] an intellectual fad. Globalism allowed them to believe that burgeoning wealth in the developed countries, and the spread of industrial activity to formerly primitive regions, was based on the potency of their own ideas and policies rather than on cheap [and easy-to-find hydrocarbons like] oil. […] [An] overlooked [fact] is that [[Margaret Thatcher|[Margaret] Thatcher]]’s success in reviving England coincided with a fantastic new revenue stream from {{w|North Sea}} oil, as quaint old Britannia became energy self-sufficient and a net energy-exporting nation for the first time since the heyday of coal. Globalism then infected America when [[Ronald Reagan]] came on the scene in 1981. Reagan’s ‘supply-side” economic advisors retailed a set of fiscal ideas that neatly accessorized the new notions about free trade and deregulation, chiefly that massively reducing taxes would […] result in greater revenues as the greater aggregate of business activity generated a greater aggregate of taxes even at lower rates. (What it […] generated was huge government deficits.) […] The rise of computers, in turn, promoted the fantasy that commerce in sheer information would be the long-sought replacement for all the played-out activities of the smokestack economy. A country like America, it was now thought, no longer needed steelmaking or tire factories or other harsh, dirty, troublesome enterprises. Let the poor masses of [[Asia]] and {{w|South America}} have them and lift themselves up from agricultural peonage. America would outsource all this old economy stuff and use computers to orchestrate the movement of parts and the assembly of products from distant quarters of the world, and then sell the stuff in our own {{w|K-mart}}s and {{w|Wal-Mart}}s, which would become global juggernauts of retailing. […] It was also like a convoluted liquidation sale of the accrued wealth of two hundred years of industrial society for the benefit of a handful of financial buccaneers, with the great masses relegated to a race to the bottom as the economic assets are dismantled and sold off, and their livelihoods are closed […]. That this development was uniformly greeted as a public good by the vast majority of Americans, at the same time that their local economies were being destroyed—and with them, myriad social and civic benefits—is one of the greater enigmas of recent social history. In effect, Americans threw away their communities […] to save a few dollars on hair dryers and plastic food storage tubs, never stopping to reflect on what they were destroying.
** Chapter 1, p. 12-16.

* [Globalism's] demise will coincide with the end of the cheap-oil age. For better or worse, many of the circumstances we associate with globalism will be reversed. Markets will close as political turbulence and military mischief interrupt trade relations. As markets close, societies will turn increasingly to import replacement[s] for sheer economic survival. The cost of transport will no longer be negligible in a post-cheap-oil age. Many of our agricultural products will have to be produced closer to home, and [...] by more intensive [...] labor as oil and natural gas supplies become increasingly unstable. The world will stop shrinking and become larger again. Virtually all [...] the [...] relationships [...] that we have taken for granted as permanent will be radically changed [...]. Life will become intensely and increasingly local.
** Chapter 1, p. 17.

* In any case, the tragic truth is that much of suburbia is unreformable. It does not lend itself to being retrofitted into the [...] mixed-use, smaller scaled, more fine-grained walkable environments we will need to carry on daily life in the coming age of [...] reduced motoring. [...] Instead, this suburban real estate [...] will enter a phase of rapid and cruel devaluation. Many of the suburban subdivisions will become the slums of the future. […] The seasons […] will continue with the great cycles of contraction and expansion, and at some point, in the future, who knows how many years distant, some of these cities in a land once called [the [[United States|United States of North] America]] may be robust and cosmopolitan in ways that we can’t imagine now, any more than a Roman of A.D. 38 might have been able to imagine the future London of the Beatles.
** Chapter 1, p. 17–18.

* […] We have lived through as a narrative episode in a greater saga of human history. The industrial story has a beginning, a middle, and an end. [[w:First Industrial Revolution|It begins in the mid-eighteenth century with coal and the first steam engines]], [[w:Second Industrial Revolution|proceeds to a robust second act]] climaxing in the years before [[World War I]], and moves toward a third act resolution now that we can anticipate with some precision the depletion of the resources that made the industrial episode possible. As the industrial story ends, the greater saga of [hu]mankind will move on into a new episode, the Long Emergency. This is […] a self-evident point, but throughout history, even the most important and self-evident trends are often completely ignored because the changes they foreshadow are simply unthinkable. That process is sometimes referred to as an “outside context problem,” something so far beyond the ordinary experience of those dwelling in a certain time and place that they cannot make sense of available information. The collective mental static preventing comprehension is also sometimes referred to as “cognitive dissonance,” a term borrowed from developmental psychology. It helps explain why the […] public has been sleepwalking into the future. The Long Emergency is going to be a tremendous trauma for […] human[s] […]. It is likely to entail political [and social] turbulence every bit as extreme as the economic conditions that prompt it.
** Chapter 1, p. 20.

* Whole ideologies had to be constructed to account for being modern and to explain it.
** Chapter 2, p. 22.

* Now, exactly a hundred years after the first powered flight at {{w|Kitty Hawk, North Carolina}}, I can get on a jet airplane twice the size of a house several times a month and fly halfway across North America in the time it takes to finish a newspaper—and I end up feeling cranky and resentful about the service, to boot! They ran out of pretzels! The air conditioning was set too low! […] Everything characteristic about the condition we call modern life has been a direct result of our access to abundant supplies of cheap [[Fossil fuel|fossil fuels]]. Fossil fuels have permitted us to fly, to go where we want to go rapidly, and move things easily from place to place. Fossil fuels rescued us from the despotic darkness of the night. They have made the pharaonic scale of building commonplace everywhere. They have allowed a fractionally tiny percentage of our swollen populations to produce massive amounts of food. They have allowed us to develop industries of surpassing ingenuity and to push the limits of what it even means to be human [...]. [But] The age of fossil fuels is about to end. There is no replacement for them at hand. 
** Chapter 2, p. 23.

* Because the oil peak phenomenon […] cancels out further industrial growth of the kind we are used to, its implications lie radically outside […] economic paradigm. So, the oil peak phenomenon has been discounted to about zero among conventional economists, who assume that “market signals” about oil supplies will inevitably trigger innovation, which, in turn, will cause [something] new […] to materialize and enable further growth. If the market signals are not triggering innovation, then the problem must be overstated and growth under the oil regime will resume—after, say, a normal periodic downcycle. This is obvious casuistry, but casuistry can be a great comfort when a problem has no real solution. […] Our investment in an oil-addicted way of life […] is now so inordinately large that it is too late to salvage all the national wealth wasted on building it, or to continue that way of life more than a decade or so into the future. What’s more, as we have outsourced manufacturing to other countries, the entire U.S. economy has become more […] dependent on continued misinvestment in […] suburbia and its accessories. No politician wants to tell voters that the [[American Dream]] has been canceled for a lack of […] resources. The U.S. economy would disintegrate. So, whichever party is in power has tended to ignore the issue, change the subject, or spin it into the realm of delusion.
** Chapter 2, p. 28.

* Oil is an amazing substance. It stores a tremendous amount of energy per weight and volume. It is easy to transport. It stores easily at regular air temperature in unpressurized metal tanks, and it can sit there indefinitely without degrading. You can pump it through a pipe, you can send it all over the world in ships, you can haul it around in trains, cars, and trucks, you can even fly it in tanker planes and refuel other airplanes in flight. It is flammable but has proven to be safe to handle with a modest amount of care by people with double-digit IQs. […] We used [oil] [...] as if there was no tomorrow. Now there may not be one. That's how special oil has been. 
** Chapter 2, p. 31.

* […] Suburbia turned out to be a disappointing cartoon of country living rather than the real thing [that] was a tragic unanticipated consequence […].
** Chapter 2, p. 40.

* […] The base price of a barrel of oil did eventually more than quadruple by the time the embargo was called off in March 1974. And the price rise alone staggered the West and Japan. Already at that time, public transit was a thing of the past and about 85 percent of Americans drove to work every day.
** Chapter 2, p. 46.

* Oil is the world's most critical resource. Without it, nothing works in industrial civilization as currently configured. Few people dispute the idea that the world will eventually run out of oil, and there is a broad recognition that it will happen [...].
** Chapter 3, p. 64.

* The total planetary endowment of conventional nonrenewable liquid oil was [...] two trillion barrels before humans started using it [and possibly more, as most of it was used to protect the Earth's crust]. Since the mid-nineteenth century, the world has burned through [...] one trillion barrels of oil, [...] representing the easiest-to-get, highest-quality liquids. [...] Oil has enabled the [[w:Baby boom|[post-War] population explosion]].
** Chapter 3, p. 66.

* The denial about [the] global peak in the United States is already fierce, as investments in car-dependent, oil-addicted infrastructure are greater here than in any other nation and Americans consider their way of life a God-given entitlement. […] The economic [...] [struggle] among [...] all nations, [...] will be considerable and is certain to lead to increasingly desperate competition for diminishing supplies of oil [and every other resource]. 
** Chapter 3, p. 68.

* […] With China becoming a presence by necessity in the region, we would be back in a cold war again, or something worse, contesting with a rival world hegemon, this time over […] resources, not [just] ideology.
** Chapter 3, p. 84.

* Eventually, […] [we] will have to contend with the problems of the Long Emergency: the end of industrial growth, falling standards of living, economic desperation, declining food production, and domestic political strife. A point will be reached when the great powers of the world no longer have the means to project their power any distance. Even nuclear weapons may become inoperable, considering how much their careful maintenance depends on other technological systems linked to our fossil fuel economy.
** Chapter 3, p. 98.

* To some degree, all […] the non-fossil fuel energy sources […] depend on an underlying fossil fuel economy. You can’t manufacture metal wind turbines using wind energy technology. You can’t make lead-acid storage batteries for solar electric systems using any known solar energy systems.
** Chapter 3, p. 100.

* This age-old tendency of humans to believe in magical deliverance and to wish for happy outcomes has been aggravated by the very technological triumphs that the oil age brought into existence. Technology itself has become a […] supernatural force, one that has demonstrably delivered all kinds of miracles within the memory of many people now living […].
** Chapter 3, p. 101.

* Natural gas […] is not as versatile as gasoline, but it does a lot of tasks beautifully. Gas is the feedstock—the raw material—for a wide array of chemicals, pharmaceuticals, and plastics. Ninety-five percent of the nitrogenous fertilizers used in America are made […] of natural gas, and so it has become indispensable to U.S. agriculture.
** Chapter 3, p. 103.

* Both the mining and the washing [of hydrocarbons] require huge amounts of energy, and it has been proposed that any commercial exploitation of the [[w:Athabasca oil sands|Alberta tar sands]] would take 20 percent of [[Canada]]’s total natural gas production. In the long run, it might not be worth expending the energy from gas to get the energy from the tar sands. If oil from the tar sands themselves were used to process more tar sands, the return would be three barrels of oil for every two consumed. […] In the early days of conventional oil in [[Texas]], the {{w|ERoEI}} formula was very favorable, around twenty to one. The oil was found close to the surface on dry land in temperate places easy to work in, and it gushed out of the ground under its own pressure. […] Going a bit further, the fundamental equations that support all gigantic […] organisms, […] may no longer obtain, and human life would have to reorganize its activities on a different basis. Also, once these complex systems and their subsystems halt their operations, restarting them may range from difficult to impossible […].
** Chapter 3, p. 108.

* [[w:Ancient Roman architecture|Roman architecture]] would have been impossible without the complex socioeconomic platform of [the] empire. The medieval social platform for northern European life was less elaborate and […] less complex. Compare these two historical cases with the complexity of social and economic organization that allows oil to be extracted from the ground, refined to gasoline, transported six thousand miles, and used in a highly engineered, fine-tuned machine called a car, driven on a six-lane freeway. If the social and economic platform fails, how long before the knowledge base dissolves? Two hundred years from now, will anyone know how to build or even repair a 1962 Chrysler slant-six engine? Not to mention a Nordex 1500 kW wind turbine? […] The existing knowledge in basic physics and chemistry is so widespread that it is likely to persist quite a while into the future and provide a foundation for doing more with less than, say, the people of the eighteenth century were able to do with their more limited knowledge.
** Chapter 4, p. 130.

* We surely will have to reform our land-use habits and the oil-based transportation system that has allowed us to run our car-crazy suburban environments. We'll have to drastically change the way we grow our food and where we grow it. [The] social organization may be quite different in the decades ahead. Features of contemporary life that we have taken for granted [...] may fade into history. Politics that evolved to suit the [...] [industrial age] may morph beyond recognition [...].
** Chapter 4, p. 141.

* '''Our brains are […] not equipped to process events on the geologic scale'''—at least in reference to how we choose to live, or what we choose to do in the here-and-now.
** Chapter 5, p. 148.

* [Global warming] [...] happens to coincide with our imminent descent down the slippery slope of [...] [hydrocarbon] depletion, so that '''all the potential discontinuities of that epochal circumstance will be amplified, ramified, reinforced, and torqued by climate change.''' If global warming is a result of human activity, fossil fuel-based industrialism, [...] then it seems [...] the prospects are poor that […] human[s] […] will be able to do anything about it, because the journey down the oil depletion arc will be much more disorderly than the journey up was. The disruptions and hardships of decelerating industrialism will destabilize governments and societies to the degree that concerted international action [...] will never be carried out. In the chaotic world of diminishing and contested [...] resources, there will simply be a mad scramble to use up whatever [...] people can manage to lay their hands on. The very idea that we possess any control over the process seems to be further evidence of the delusion gripping our [...] culture [...].
** Chapter 5, p. 148–149.

* [...] Abrupt climate change may be normal in the planet's history, or, to state it differently, that the earth's [sic] climate is inherently very unstable.
** Chapter 5, p. 149. 

* Without the [[w:Gulf Stream|Gulf Stream]], [[United  Kingdom|Britain]], [[France]], the [[w:Low Countries|Low Countries]], and [[Scandinavia]] would have a climate like [[w:Labrador|Labrador]]’s, colder by twenty degrees Fahrenheit in annual mean. The Gulf Stream has been likened to an oceanic conveyor belt. The force of the warm water flowing north has been described as equal to the volume of seventy-five [[w:Amazon River|Amazon river]]s.
** Chapter 5, p. 153.

* According to the {{w|IPCC}}, sea levels rose by ten to twenty centimeters during the twentieth century and are currently rising by about two millimeters a year, which is at the upper range of the rate of rise for the last century. With global warming accelerating, this is apt to increase. The accepted prediction is that sea levels will rise during the twenty-first century by about fifty centimeters, or a little under two feet, though some scientists predict a full meter. […] One-sixth of the people in the world live in coastal zones within one meter of sea level. This is the […] outside context problem so alien to contemporary experience that the public and its leaders can really find no way to process the information and figure out what to do about it—and for the excellent reason that it is not a problem with a direct solution. It is more a condition without a remedy. If the major shipping ports […] end up being submerged, humankind will just have to work around it. The disruptions to world trade might be epochal, gigantic, […] [and] tragic. It seems obvious that […] human[s] […] will simply have to adjust, even if that means adjusting to a new reality of severely lower expectations in living standards, comfort, and amenity. […] When the time comes, […] [we] will just have to move to higher ground. 
** Chapter 5, p. 162.

* Harvard biologist [[w:E. O. Wilson|Edward O. Wilson]] warns that [[China]]'s current program to mitigate huge population increases with gigantic water projects may have dire consequences. Irrigation and other withdrawals have already depleted the {{w|Yellow River}}, which, starting in 1972, has run bone-dry part of the year in {{w|Shandong}} province, where one-fifth of China's wheat and one-seventh of its corn is produced. In 1997, the river stopped flowing for a record 226 days. The groundwater levels of the northern China plains have plummeted. The water table in major grain-producing areas is falling at the rate of five feet a year. Of China's 617 cities, three hundred already face water shortages. Of China's approximately 23,000 miles of major rivers, 80 percent no longer support fish life. The [[w:Xiaolangdi Dam|Xiaolangdi dam project]] now underway along the Yellow River in north China is exceeded in size only by the {{w|Three Gorges Dam}} on the {{w|Yangtze}} in South China. In addition, the Chinese government intends to siphon water from the Yangtze […] and send it over by a canal system to the Yellow River and Beijing, respectively. When it is running, the Yellow River is already one of the most particle-laden in the world. Because of that, it is estimated that the Xiaolangdi dam would silt up within thirty years of completion. The […] project is reminiscent of another centrally planned mega-project that ended in grief: the [[Soviet Union]]'s scheme to drain the {{w|Aral Sea}} to irrigate gigantic cotton farms in [[Kazakhstan]]. The project turned one of the world's largest inland bodies of fresh water into [a] salty desert. The potential for calamity in China is therefore huge as it skirts a range of forces presented by the Long Emergency, any one of which, or some combination, could send it reeling over its tipping point: the effects of global climate change, competition for [every resource including] oil, extremes of pollution, disease, and war, either with its neighbors or internally. Despite the current veneer of prosperity and stability, China has tremendous potential for political chaos. As Wilson fearlessly points out, the pressure on China's agriculture and water resources is intensified by the predicament shared by many countries: runaway population growth [caused by industrialization]. '''Population growth rates may be mitigated […] from culture to culture by economic advance (which tends to lower reproductive rates by channeling women into the workplace), but economic development produces other [[w:Jevons paradox|not-so-benign consequences]].''' Developing [systems like] nation[-state]s invariably increase their energy use [as they grow complex]. More cars are used, more electricity [is] generated, [and] more greenhouse emissions [are] sent into the atmosphere. In the Long Emergency, […] “there will only be two types of nations: the over-developed and those which will never develop.” China may represent an amalgamation of those two conditions in one nation-state.
** Chapter 5, p. 163–164.

* Like China, the United States is divided […] in half between wet and dry. Though the human population of the United States is proportionately much smaller than China's, the amount of effort America has expended on manipulating habitats and altering terrain is as impressive in its own way as China's birthrate. Especially significant is the stupendous amount of paving laid down in the United States during the past hundred years. It prevents rain from being absorbed as groundwater and sends it instead into rivers, and […] into the ocean. The effect of this is the inability of water tables and wetlands to recharge and the diminishing ability of the terrain to support life. In the United States, only 2 percent of the country's rivers and wetlands remain free-flowing and undeveloped. As a result, the country has lost more than half of its wetlands.
** Chapter 5, p. 165.

* '''Climate change, competition for water, and polluted water sources will also be exacerbated by failures in the electric grid caused by oil and gas supply disruptions.''' Even if water is available, localities may lack the power to push it through their treatment plants and municipal pipes.
** Chapter 5, p. 166. 

* Fifty years of easy living with the miracle of antibiotics was a major contributor to the hubris that gripped the industrial nations in the early twenty-first century. Smallpox was eliminated except in strategic laboratory samples. Measles was conquered. Sexually transmitted diseases that used to leave people maimed and crazy were cured with one visit to the doctor. Many tropical diseases seemed to be on the wane as immunology and pharmacology bolstered widespread progress in sanitation and nutrition. The vanquishing of disease represented a [...] meta-victory by [hu]mankind over a much greater set of enemies than the parochial combatants of our geopolitical wars. Indeed, these great advances of medical science against disease took place against the backdrop of war. The United States emerged victorious from [[w:World War II|the last [...] world war]], having defeated manifest political evil, armed with penicillin and sulfa drugs. The postwar antibiotic miracle contributed to a false sense of security in the public and a sense of [...] omnipotence [...].
** Chapter 5, p. 167.

* '''As the struggle over the remaining oil and gas intensifies, larger numbers of economic losers will be created''', and those economic losers will be underfed, ill-housed, poorly doctored, badly informed, badly behaved, and subject to plummeting life expectancies.
** Chapter 5, p. 170.

* Despite miraculous advances in medical technology, genetic typing, and immunology, [...] [we] are not much better prepared for a severe flu epidemic than they were for [[w:Spanish flu|the 1918 outbreak]]. Epidemic influenza is extremely difficult to counteract. Flu vaccines developed in any given year are notoriously ineffective against new strains that come along the following year. It takes seven months or more to create, test, manufacture, and distribute a vaccine developed in direct response to a new virus, and by that time the disease can burn through global populations. '''If a pandemic broke out today, hospital facilities would be overwhelmed. Nurses and doctors would be infected along with the rest of the population.'''
** Chapter 5, p. 173.

* {{w|Operation Dark Winter}} employed a cast of volunteers […] to act out roles following a script in which a terrorist released smallpox in one eastern U.S. city. The result was sobering to an extreme. The public health system virtually collapsed. Hospitals degenerated into chaos. Smallpox spread to twenty-five states and overseas. The national stockpile of vaccines proved to be deeply inadequate. The exercise was called off after four days from the sheer exhaustion of the participants, while the fictional epidemic was still spreading. 
** Chapter 5, p. 176.

* The [[w:Germ theory of disease|germ theory]], which emerged in the late nineteenth century, focused the world's attention on the specific agents responsible for [...] diseases, but the [physical,] social and ecological contexts are equally important, and these are now coming more prominently into play with world population well beyond the limits of the earth's [sic] [...] [optimum] carrying capacity and with climate change [...] in progress. [...] Ecological [...] [pressures], rapid changes in land use, penetration of formerly inaccessible habitats, and disturbed migration routes can lead to the appearance or diffusion of a disease. While we may be able to identify [some, if not all] the microorganisms involved, we can be helpless in the face of it, and our behavior may still promote its spread.
** Chapter 5, p. 177.

* [...] The disturbance of global oil markets as the permanent energy crisis begins is liable to interrupt global commerce and global travel. Fewer […] will fly [...]. However, these same energy problems will surely reduce crop production, which would lead to reduced food aid to desperate populations [...], which would then lead to compromised immune systems and the [...] [invasion] of poor, hungry, and [...] unhealthy people [...]. This is an obvious recipe for conflict and woe. Where the refugee camps [are] set up, [the] disease will surely follow.
** Chapter 5, p. 178.

* '''The attrition of global populations by disease[s] may be unavoidable.''' Some [...] may regard it as the inevitable revenge of nature against the hubris of a human species arrogantly exceeding the carrying capacity of its habitat. Some may regard it as a moral victory against wickedness. Some may view it in the therapeutic mode as a positive development for the health of the planet. Many self-conscious &quot;humanists&quot; have militated for the goal of reducing population growth —though most of them would have [...] preferred widespread birth control [using contraceptive methods like the birth pill and condoms, ironically made from cheap oil] to a die-off. [Contraceptive methods] might have been just another product of the narcotic comfort of cheap oil [...]. Apart from these issues of attitude and ethics, however, a major decline in [...] population [...] is apt to have profound and strange repercussions on everyday life. 
** Chapter 5, p. 178.

* [...] We [...] flatter ourselves to think that we are above this kind of general catastrophe—because our [...] prowess during the [...] [industrial age] was so marvelous that all future problems are (supposedly) guaranteed to be solved by similar applications of ingenuity. This was certainly the consensus among the scientists, computer geniuses, and biotech millionaires [...]. They were uniformly uninterested in the issues of the global oil peak and natural gas depletion and utterly convinced that the industrial societies would be rescued by hydrogen, wind power, and solar electricity, all to be figured out by their cohort techno-geniuses in [...] time. If there is anything we have been stupendously bad at in the preceding century of wonders, it is recognizing the diminishing returns of our [...] [technological] prowess. Some of our greatest achievements, [...] have produced dreadful diminishing returns [...]. This persistent failure or weakness [...] negates the value of our ability to see what's coming. [...] Rather than [...] progress, we are more likely to see [...] the loss of information, ability, and confidence. 
** Chapter 5, p. 181.

* Many individual immune systems will be compromised by the hardships of the Long Emergency and disease will seize the opportunities presented, as it always has. [...] Millions [and perhaps billions] of human beings are going to die.
** Chapter 5, p. 182.

* As hunger and hardship increase, the world may see more than one wave of more than one disease. If [...] an influenza pandemic emerges, for instance, many [...] will succumb [...]. [...] The age-old human enemies [...] will be on hand with new immunity to the old techno-tricks of the [nineteenth and] twentieth [...] [centuries]. [...] Nobody really knows where that is taking us, though we do know that [...] [our ancestors] endured more than one ice age in the past.
** Chapter 5, p. 182–183.

* The current urban population of the world […] is greater than the entire population of the world in 1960. Seventy-eight percent of the urban dwellers in the so-called developing world live in slums. From the West African littoral to the mountainsides of the {{w|Andes}} to the banks of the {{w|Nile}}, the {{w|Ganges}}, the {{w|Mekong}}, and the {{w|Irrawaddy}}, new gigantic slums spread like immense laboratory growth media, waiting to host epidemic disease cultures. {{w|Lagos}}, [[Nigeria]], for example, grew from a city of 300,000 in 1950 to over ten million today. But Lagos, writes [[w:Mike Davis (scholar)|Mike Davis]], &quot;is simply the biggest node in the shanty-town corridor of 70 million people that stretches from {{w|Abidjan}} to {{w|Ibadan}}: probably the biggest continuous footprint of urban poverty on earth.&quot; Most of the world's new, exploding slums have only the most rudimentary sanitary arrangements, open sewers running along the corridor-like &quot;streets.&quot; In the slums of Bombay, there is an estimated one toilet per five hundred inhabitants. Currently, two million children die every year from waste-contaminated water in the world's slums. The enormity of this urban disaster is poorly comprehended in advanced nations like the United States, where the drinking water is still safe and even the poor have flush toilets connected to real sewers. But '''the slums of the world will […] be the breeding ground of the next pandemic''', and chances are, once it is underway, the wealthy nations will not be spared. 
** Chapter 5, p. 183.

* The entropic mess that our economy has become is the final blowoff of […] industrialism. The destructive practices known as &quot;free-market globalism&quot; were engendered by our run-up to and arrival at the world oil production peak. It was the logical climax of the oil &quot;story.&quot; It required the breakdown of all previous constraints […] to maximize the present at the expense of the future and to do so for the benefit of a very few at the expense of the many. […] Free-market globalism became the reigning orthodoxy […], challenged only by cranks wearing nose-rings at the very margins of society. '''The moment that the world recognizes the passing of the oil production peak as a reality, globalism will be dead both in theory and practice.'''
** Chapter 6, p. 185.

* Globalism was operated by oligarchical corporations on the gigantic scale, made possible by cheap oil. By “oligarchical” I mean that power was vested in small numbers of people running large organizations who were not accountable for their actions to many of the people who were subject to those actions. By “corporation,” I mean a group enterprise given the legal status of a “person,” with “rights,” but in fact devoid of any human qualities of ethics, humility, mercy, duty, or loyalty that would constrain those rights. As Wendell Berry put it, “a corporation […] is a pile of money to which a number of persons have sold their moral allegiance… It can experience no personal hope or remorse. No change of heart. It cannot humble itself. It goes about its business as if it were immortal, with the single purpose of becoming a bigger pile of money.
** Chapter 6, p. 186.

* The free-market part of the equation referred to the putative benefit of unrestrained economic competition between individuals, and because corporations enjoyed the legal status of persons, they were assumed to be on an equal footing with other persons in a given locality. Thus, Wal-Mart was considered the theoretical equal of Bob the appliance store owner, and if Bob happened to lose in the retail competition because he couldn't order 50,000 coffeemakers at a crack from a factory 12,000 miles away in {{w|Hangzhou}}, and receive a deep discount for being such an important customer, well, it wasn't as though he hadn't been given the chance.
** Chapter 6, p. 187.

* Cheap oil had allowed populations to explode in precisely those parts of the world that had had, for millennia, a high infant mortality rate and modest life expectancy. Cheap oil was behind the &quot;green revolution&quot; that increased the food supply in the nonindustrial world. Oil was also behind many of the medicines and preventives that had neutralized […] diseases. Now, suddenly, most of those children […] survived, grew up and produced more children who survived and grew up, and over the course of the twentieth century, the global populations hurtled into extreme numerical overshoot. Populations were, in effect, eating oil, notably in food exports from the United States, where agribusiness had completely taken over from agriculture. Local farmers in Africa, Asia, or South America couldn’t compete with corporate [[w:ADM (company)|Archer Daniels Midland]]’s oil-and-gas-based grain crops and U.S. government subsidies. There was no point in even bringing their hardscrabble crops to market when sacks of cheap American wheat sat on the docks of [[w:Busan|Pusan]] or [[Colombo]]. Farmers in those places felt that they had no choice but to migrate to the city and find some other way to get by. The only comparative advantage that these people possessed was their willingness to work for next to nothing. '''Cheap oil and free-market globalism turned comparative advantage into a new kind of feudalism, with the corporations as the lords and the overabundant locals as the serfs.''' And then, when the comparative advantage of cheap labor […] of one place, […] was superseded by the cheaper labor […] of another place, […] the corporations just moved their operations.
** Chapter 6, p. 187–188.

* The idea of comparative advantage works when there is a complex local economy intact in the background of each trading partner’s specialized item of production, with a variety of social roles and occupational niches to support the long-term project of community. But a locality geared to doing only one thing for export is […] a slave system based on the extractive economics of mining. […] One group had all the cheap labor, and another group had all the capital, and for a while, one group made all the things that the other group “consumed.” Thus, comparative advantage became, for a time, a con game strictly for the benefit of large corporations, which ended up enjoying all the advantages while the localities sucked up the costs.
** Chapter 6, p. 188.

* The corporations benefiting from this regime often had no physical home of their own, even in their country of origin—and not a few American corporations had moved their official address to [[w:Tax haven|Caribbean pseudo nations]], where the banking and tax laws were more agreeable. The corporations had no allegiance to any […] place or the people of that place, so the destruction they wreaked was as manifest in the ravaged towns of [[Ohio]] and upstate [[New York City|New York]] as in the environmental degradation of [[China]]. America was hardly immune to the consequences of free-market globalism. In effect, the American heartland was overtaken by a new […] corporate colonialism, emanating from our own culture, but no less destructive than the imposition of foreign rule.
** Chapter 6, p. 188–189.

* Did Americans sell out their towns, their neighbors, the memory of their ancestors, and the future of their grandchildren because they were helplessly in thrall to the blandishments of a cheap-oil economy? I honestly don’t know, though I tend to view the outcome as the result of many collective bad choices made by the public and its leaders. But were those choices inescapable? Certainly, the process was insidious and played out over several generations. 
** Chapter 6, p. 189-190.

* There have to be limits. If we project “housing starts” ninety-nine years forward at current rates, there wouldn’t be a single build-able quarter-acre lot left in the world. Not a few economists would rationalize this outcome by declaring that ninety-nine years from now we will have colonies on the [[moon]] or [[Mars]] or under the {{w|Sea of Cortez}}. Or that technology coupled with human ingenuity will solve the problem some other way, […] by genetically reengineering human beings to be one inch tall or booting all our consciousnesses into computer servers where unlimited numbers of virtual people could dwell in unlimited virtual environments of endless cyberspace.
** Chapter 6, p. 192-193.

* It is assumed now that human beings, prompted by the market, will employ ingenuity to discover a substitute for oil and gas, once the price starts to ramp up beyond the “affordable” range. This assumption is apt to prove fallacious because […] the laws of thermodynamics state that energy can’t be created out of nothing, only changed from low entropy to high entropy, and that we have already changed the half [or perhaps a fraction] of our [planet's] oil endowment that was easiest to get into dispersed carbon dioxide, which is now ratcheting up global warming and climate change, which might well put the industrial adventure out of business before human ingenuity can come up with a substitute for oil.
** Chapter 6, p. 194.

* […] The […] oil-fueled boom that energized the suburban expansion of the 1920s brought turmoil and trouble to the farm economy. Thirty percent of the U.S. population still lived on farms in the 1920s. U.S. farmers had done well during World War I, exporting grain to a Europe that had become a shell-blasted battlefield. By the early 1920s, though, Europeans were able to feed themselves again. Meanwhile, the introduction of the tractor and the mechanization of farming in the United States led quickly to massive overproduction of grain. Unable any longer to pawn off the surplus on Europe, America suffered a crash in grain prices. '''The farm depression, which preceded the financial depression by half a decade, was a self-reinforcing feedback loop. As the market prices of corn and wheat plunged, farmers desperately tried to make up for low prices by producing more, which the domestic markets could not absorb, leading to even greater surpluses and more depressed prices.'''
** Chapter 6, p. 204.

* By the mid-1920s, the great wave of immigration suddenly ended. The [[w:Immigration Act of 1924|National Origins Act of 1924]] and other measures set new highly restrictive immigration quotas that cut new admissions to 2 percent of each nationality from the 1890 census. This choked off what had been a constant half-century-long demographic subsidy of ever more customers for U.S. manufacturers.
** Chapter 6, p. 205.

* Finance came to be viewed as a productive activity itself rather than a means to promote production. The public was no longer buying stock to invest in enterprises that would pay dividends over time, but merely because one could get rich from buying and selling stocks. As more people bought in, stock prices climbed still higher—a dangerous positive feedback loop.
** Chapter 6, p. 205-206.

* [...] The human race living off the &quot;drawdown&quot; of nonrenewable fossil fuel resources is the equivalent of the algae [...] enjoying a temporary rush of nutrients [...] [or a star burning more hydrogen than it could].
** Chapter 6, p. 208.

* The entropy produced in [[World War II]] was much more widespread and profound than that of World War I. In [[World War I]] the action had taken place […] entirely on rural terrain, classic battlefields. In World War II, much of the warfare was urban. The long-range bomber had reached a high stage of refinement in the twenty-plus years between world wars. None of the major capitals had been damaged in World War I. In World War II, hundreds of towns and cities were destroyed in Europe and Asia. Berlin was reduced to gravel; London was badly mutilated; and, of course, Hiroshima and Nagasaki became radioactive ashtrays. The casualties of World War I had been enormous, astonishing, [and] appalling beyond civilized peoples’ wildest dreams, but the victims had been overwhelmingly soldiers. The casualties in World War II were overwhelmingly civilians and in much greater aggregate numbers.
** Chapter 6, p. 212–213.

* '''[[American Dream|American life]], with its twin engines of suburbanization and factory production of consumer goods for the […] world, became so quickly and obviously successful''' that a new consensus formed supporting the value of the dollar and its paper accessories in capital markets, chiefly stocks, and bonds. This is not to say that the securities markets boomed in the 1950s and 1960s —it took until then just to recover the value levels of the pre-1929 crash —but stocks and bonds did regain respectability, [and] legitimacy. Those who had lived through the Great Depression, meaning virtually all the men who had served in the wartime army, had very modest expectations about the role of finance in the postwar economy. In the 1950s and 1960s, Americans bought stocks for the annual dividends they paid, not to flip them for a quick profit. In fact, share prices remained […] very flat during this period. The whole notion of investment was different than it would become later in the twentieth century. In the 1950s and 1960s, stock and bond values were linked much more directly with the successful production of real goods. General Motors derived its profits and paid its dividends on the basis of auto sales, not as today, primarily from leveraging interest rates and other abstract numbers' games removed from the actual making of products. In sum, the public attitude about the role of finance was extremely conservative. Finance was not an “industry” per se, but a set of institutions designed to keep the idea of money and its accessories credible, […] to allow real industries to function.
** Chapter 6, p. 215.

* Banking also regained respectability after the calamities of the 1930s. Federal deposit insurance, which had been instituted in the depths of the Great Depression, and only for deposits under $2,500, was raised to $10,000 in 1950, and the middle class was induced to feel confident about keeping its money in banks again. Interest rates remained modest, but so did inflation. The influx of savings made money available in capital markets to invest in new ventures. It was real money derived from work already done, pay already earned, true capital. Before the great orgy of mergers and consolidation that began in the 1970s, retail banking was […] local and community-centered. Bankers made loan decisions based on firsthand knowledge of projects going on in their communities—not, as today, based on bundling and selling clumps of mortgages for generic suburban developments they have never laid eyes on.
** Chapter 6, p. 216.

* The rebellion of the [[Hippie|hippie]]s […] based itself on the notion that abundance was a natural entitlement, and one could &quot;drop out&quot; of an insecure, deadly, and frightening industrial culture to live off the fat of the land. It was inescapably a jejune philosophy, fraught with contradictions. For the hippies, the natural order of things included items such as stereo record players, electric guitars, motor vehicles for adventuring around the country, cheap bulk whole grains, and other products of an oil-intensive industrial way of life. '''The hippie platform […] with all its mystical incunabula, rested on the platform of “normal” [[American Dream|American life]] and would have been impossible without it.'''
** Chapter 6, p. 217.

* At the start of the [[w:1980s oil glut|oil glut]], a climactic set of economic relations took shape led by Prime Minister [[Margaret Thatcher]] (and joined eagerly by President Reagan and his advisors) that would be called “globalism.” It was not so much a new idea as the logical and inevitable result of mature self-organizing systems elaborating themselves under the influence of renewed, immense energy inputs—the ultimate cheap-oil way of doing business in the [supposedly] closed system that is the planet [[Earth]]. It entailed the maximization of short-term profit and the minimization of care for future generations. It was the ultimate generator of entropy.
** Chapter 6, p. 219.

* In America, globalism meant the accelerated dismantling of the nation's manufacturing base and its reassignment to other countries where labor was dirt cheap and environmental regulations did not apply. It also meant the ramping up of a “service economy” or, more properly, the myth of a service economy to replace the old manufacturing economy. […] It was […] absurd. It was like the old joke about the village that prospered because the inhabitants were all employed taking in each other’s laundry. In fact, far fewer actual things of value were being created in the service economy. […] It was assumed, for instance, that computers […] boosted productivity. Much of that gain was either illusory or fraught with collateral social and economic losses of other kinds. Companies that reported higher productivity were shedding employees like mad and the entire ethos of work in America was being transformed from one of [the] people having secure careers and permanent positions with reliable companies to one of institutionalized insecurity for […] everyone below top management in a new general atmosphere of Darwinian corporate ruthlessness—under the rubric of &quot;free-market competition.&quot;
** Chapter 6, p. 220.

* What one also saw in the America of the 1980s and 1990s was commoditization and conversion of public goods into private luxuries, the impoverishment of the civic realm, and, to put it bluntly, the rape of the landscape —a vast entropic enterprise that was the culminating phase of suburbia. The dirty secret of the American economy in the 1990s was that it was no longer about anything except the creation of suburban sprawl and the furnishing, accessorizing, and financing of it. It resembled the efficiency of cancer. Nothing else really mattered except building suburban houses, trading away the mortgages, selling the multiple cars needed by the inhabitants, upgrading the roads into commercial strip highways with all the necessary shopping infrastructure, and moving vast supplies of merchandise made in China for next to nothing to fill up those houses. The economy of suburban sprawl was a systemic self-organizing response to the availability of inordinately cheap oil with ever-increasing entropy expressed in an ever-increasing variety of manifestations from the destruction of farmland to the decay of the cities, to widespread psychological depression, to the rash of school shooting sprees, to epidemic obesity. Americans didn’t question the validity of the suburban sprawl economy. They accepted it at face value as the obvious logical outcome of their hopes and dreams and defended it viciously against criticism. They steadfastly ignored its salient characteristic: that it had no future either as an economy or as a living arrangement. Each further elaboration of the suburban system made it less likely to survive any change in conditions, most particularly any change in the equations of cheap oil. It wasn't until the traumas of the 1970s that the finance sector mutated from being an adjunct of the industrial economy to becoming an “industry” in its own right helping to “drive” the economy. Among the distortions and perversions engendered by the “stagflation” economy was the rise of corporate cannibalism in the form of “creative” mergers and acquisitions, specifically hostile takeovers, the aggressive use of voting stock shares to gain control of companies that did not wish to sell, with the subsequent filleting and sell-off of assets, and discarding of the bones and offal (employee payrolls and obligations, careers, livelihoods, communities).
** Chapter 6, p. 222–223.

* In the face of the things like the {{w|Dot-com bubble|dot-com meltdown}}, the {{w|LTCM}} scare, the {{w|Enron scandal}}, and other disasters that eroded the notional value of financial paper, homeownership itself was now turned into a magical generator of unearned riches for both borrowers and lenders. It was consistent with the [[Las Vegas]]-ization of the national moral sense, chiefly the increasingly popular belief at every level of American life that it really was possible to get something for nothing. Anyone could see this in the easy public acceptance of gambling as okay and the proliferation of casinos everywhere in the land. Not even the evangelical Christians seemed to mind. There is no such thing as intrinsic value in a house. A huge percentage of the public has now put its net worth into something that […] isn't an investment. Apart from false econometrics of rising house valuations and the leverage that affords for raising cash within the context of the current lending rackets, a house is much more of a consumer product than an investment, especially the kind of houses built in recent decades in America, namely stapled-together boxes made of particle board and plastic cladding that require continual reinvestment in petty cash and labor for upkeep, and will probably not hold their value, even if well cared for, because of poor locational choices. A house on a one-acre lot in a subdivision in {{w|Loudoun County, Virginia}}, thirty-two miles from downtown [[Washington, D.C.|Washington]], […] a magnificent thing to behold today, with a soaring lawyer-foyer entrance, a restaurant-grade kitchen, and an inground pool out back. But if there is less gasoline to power up the fleet of cars necessary to service it, and no natural gas to heat the thousand-square-foot cathedral-ceilinged lawyer foyer, then chances are that the house is going to be a liability rather than an asset.
** Chapter 6, p. 229.

* The supernaturally low-interest rates provoked an orgy of buying and the orgy of buying bid up the prices of the houses, and as the prices of the houses levitated, the owners entered another new and strange zone of hallucinated wealth accumulation using the latest contrivance: the refinanced mortgage. Re-fi's allowed house owners to use their houses as though they were automatic teller machines. Say a person bought a house in 1999 for $250,000 and the house was appraised in 2003 at $400,000; that person could refinance with a substantial &quot;cash out&quot; privilege, converting the imagined increase of value into disposable income, which could then be used to buy motorboats, home theater plasma TV screens, or trips to Las Vegas. Refinancing prestidigitated an estimated $1.6 trillion for the American economy over a five-year period, and much of that &quot;money&quot; was deployed purchasing &quot;consumer&quot; goods—mostly made outside the United States. From 1999 to 2004 […] a third of all house owners indulged in cash-out re-fi mortgages. […] Behind every extravagant cash extraction lay the belief that at some future date the house would be worth a lot more than the re-fi price and could be readily flipped.
** Chapter 6, p. 231.

* After the mid-1990s, there was hardly a technical distinction to be made anymore between high-risk borrowers and everybody else in the casino atmosphere of [North] America[n] society. No one was at risk anymore because in the something-for-nothing economy it was impossible to be a loser. Or so went the herd thinking. […] It is […] likely that the housing bubble will have begun to come to grief.
** Chapter 6, p. 232.

* The failure of the [[w:Government-sponsored enterprise|GSE]]s would make the [[w:Savings and loan crisis|S&amp;L fiasco of the 1980s]] look like a bad night of poker. The failure of the GSEs would pose a far graver situation than the [[w:Long-Term Capital Management|LTCM]] flameout. It could easily bring on cascading failures that might jeopardize global finance. This time, the […] public would feel the pain.
** Chapter 6, p. 233.

* If the folks who lived along this highway put in gardens to make up for the escalating inadequacies of an industrial farming system starved for fossil fuel “inputs,” would they be able to feed themselves? Did any vernacular knowledge survive in a populace conditioned to think that food came from the supermarket? Did they know anything about cabbage loopers, powdery mildew, or anthracnose? Would they be able to prevent catastrophic crop loss? How would they defend their crops against deer, rabbits, [and] woodchucks? Would any of them know how to build a garden wall or even a fence? Where would they get fencing material? Would they have to sit out among the potato hills and the bean rows at night with loaded shotguns? And what would they do for light when they heard something munching out there? Would they know how to keep chicken, sheep, [and] cattle, including breeding and birthing them?
** Chapter 7, p. 237.

* Because […] systems are self-organizing in the face of circumstance, the big questions are '''how much disorder must we endure as things change, and how hard will we struggle to continue a particular way of life with no future?''' […] The U.S. economy of the decades to come will center on farming, not high-tech, […] “information,” or “services,” or space travel, […] tourism, or finance. All other activities will be secondary to food production, which will require much more human labor. 
** Chapter 7, p. 239.

* [...] [Everything] [...] tend[s] toward diminishing returns and unsustainability, [...] even in the short term.
** Chapter 7, p. 240.

* A hundred years ago, just before the introduction of the fossil fuel-based technologies, more than 30 percent of the American population was engaged in farming. Now the figure is 1.6 percent. The issue is not moral, academic, or aesthetic. […] It’s a matter of those ratios being made possible only because cheap oil and automation made up for so much human labor.
** Chapter 7, p. 241.

* The energy disruptions of the Long Emergency are going to remind us that the skyscraper was an experimental building form.
** Chapter 7, p. 253.

* The lucky suburbanites will be the ones with the forethought to trade in their suburban McHouses for property in the towns and small cities and prepare for a vocational life doing something useful and practical on the small scale. 
** Chapter 7, p. 256.

* Wal-Mart will not be able to profitably run its “warehouse on wheels” when the price of oil fluctuates chronically. […] We will never again experience the explosion of products, choices, and nonstop marketing that characterized the late twentieth century. The public may look back on the big-box shopping era with deep and mournful nostalgia, but we are apt to discover that happiness is still possible without the extraordinary advertising-driven compulsive materialism of recent decades. '''We will still have commerce. We will have [a] trade. There will be shopping. We will have […] medium of exchange. But we are not going to live in a perpetual blue-light special sale of cornucopian wretched excess.'''
** Chapter 7, p. 257.

* Even if we can’t get all the tools and the products we currently enjoy, we will retain a lot of basic knowledge that the people of Jefferson’s day just didn’t have. For instance, we will still understand that infections and many diseases are caused by microorganisms, not bad air, phases of the moon, or evil spells and that knowledge alone confers powerful advantages in daily living.
** Chapter 7, p. 258.

* '''Large-scale corporate enterprise has brought humankind much material comfort in two centuries but at the price of fantastic unintended consequences (externalized costs) ranging from the destruction of local communities to climate change. Large-scale corporations will be vulnerable to the collapse of capital formation markets that must accompany the end of the cheap oil fiesta. Corporate enterprise can certainly be reorganized on the small, local community scale, but it will not be the same as {{w|General Motors}}. Corporate enterprise in the Long Emergency may revert to being more public in nature and far less sovereign in power.''' There may be one exception: The most visible […] corporate organization that might survive the Long Emergency may be the church. Whether Catholic or Pentecostal or something new we haven't seen yet; the church won't have to rely on oil supplies. Organized religion doesn't have to traffic in awkward material products, only in beliefs, and it can operate at many scales simultaneously. Because American culture is constitutionally allergic to religious governance, we may have problems if churches are the only large organizations left standing—that is, assuming we still have the same constitution.
** Chapter 7, p. 259.

* We should […] conclude that the abandoned big-box structures will not last more than one generation under any circumstances. […] The same thing can be said about malls, strip malls, and chain restaurant buildings. Eventually, they will be the salvage yards and mines of the future.
** Chapter 7, p. 261.

* One final thing worth noting on the subject of rail: From 1890 to about 1920, American localities managed to construct hundreds of local and interurban streetcar lines that added up to a magnificent national system (independent of the national heavy rail system). Except for two twenty-mile gaps in New York state, one could ride the trolley lines from [[New England]] clear out to Wisconsin. The story of the conspiracy by General Motors and other companies to destroy the U.S. interurban system is well documented. The salient point, however, is how rapidly the system was created in the first place, and how marvelously well it served the public in the period before the automobile became established.
** Chapter 7, p. 268-269.

* It's hard to imagine a more purposeless activity than American-style high school in our time. […] The public questions its basic premises or mode of operation any more than the public questions the economy of suburban sprawl. But [the] high school in our time amounts to little more than daycare for virtual adults in which some learning might incidentally take place, much of it of dubious value.
** Chapter 7, p. 271.

* The Southwest also faces increasing friction with adjoining [[Mexico]]. This is not a racist provocation but a description of reality. '''No other first-world country has such an extensive land frontier with a third-world country. The income gap between the United States and Mexico is greater than that between any other two contiguous countries in the world.'''
** Chapter 7, p. 275.

* In any case, it is human nature to consider a place “home” if you were born there, or have family there, or have spent some portion of your life there, and people are naturally reluctant to leave home. I daresay that many Americans now living in the Southwest will not be disposed to understand what is really happening—that the carrying capacity of their home region has been suddenly and drastically reduced—and they will hunker down hoping for a return to better times.
** Chapter 7, p. 279.

* After air conditioning became widely affordable, southerners hardly went outside anymore, unless it was in a motor vehicle. Anything about southern vernacular architecture that once had been graceful in adapting to the climate was cast aside for the pleasures of air conditioning and cheapness of construction.
** Chapter 7, p. 283.

* The Long Emergency will cause unprecedented social and economic dislocation, and the outcome may be a world we would barely recognize. The [...] egalitarian society we knew in the [...] twentieth century may become drastically more hierarchical as large numbers of desperate people place themselves in the service of those who control land, especially following a period of anarchy. Under such harsh conditions, the weaker individuals will sell their allegiance in return for security.
** Chapter 7, p. 286–287.

* The gigantic smear of suburbia that runs […] without interruption from north of Boston through Connecticut, New York, New Jersey, Baltimore, Washington, and northern Virginia is not going to be a happy place.
** Chapter 7, p. 291.

* The circumstances of the Long Emergency will be the opposite of what we currently experience. '''There will be hunger instead of plenty, cold where there was once warmth, effort where there was once leisure, sickness where there was health, and violence where there was peace.''' We will have to adjust our attitudes, values, and ideas to accommodate these new circumstances and we may not recognize the people will soon become or the people we once were. In a world where sheer survival dominates all other concerns, a tragic view of life is apt to reassert itself. This is another way of saying that we will become keenly aware of the limitations of human nature [...]. Life will get much more real.
** Chapter 7, p. 303.

* I’m aware of having already lived more than a half-century through the greatest fiesta of luxury, comfort, and leisure that the world has ever known. I enjoyed central heating, air conditioning, cheap airfares, cable TV, advanced orthopedic surgery, and computers.
** Chapter 7, p. 304.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.kunstler.com/ James Howard Kunstler home page]
* [http://jameshowardkunstler.typepad.com/ Comment on current events by Jim Kunstler]
* [http://www.ted.com/talks/view/id/121 TED Talks: James Howard Kunstler dissects suburbia] at [[Wikipedia:TED (conference)|TED]] in 2004

{{DEFAULTSORT:Kunstler, James Howard}}
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[[Category:Orators from the United States]]
[[Category:Activists from the United States]]
[[Category:American Jews]]
[[Category:People from New York City]]
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[[Category:Living people]]

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'''[[W:James Howard Kunstler|James Howard Kunstler]]''' (born [[October 19]], [[1948]], New York City, New York) is an American author, social critic, public speaker, and blogger.

== Quotes ==
* As modern interpolators might say, the bubonic plague winnowed down Europe’s population to a scale more congenial with its resource base. After that big first wave of the disease, [the] land was cheaper and human labor better rewarded. Eventually, more food got around. Incidentally, '''the plague provoked nostalgia for the classical antiquity of [[Greece]] and [[Rome]], especially among the scholars of [[Florence]], launching the extravaganzas of the [[Renaissance]], the [[Age of Enlightenment|Enlightenment]], and eventually our own pageant of techno-supremacist [[Modernity]].'''
** &quot;Dance Macabre,&quot; May 18, 2020.
* […] Life is tragic and history won’t shed a tear for us if we make poor collective decisions, or adopt beliefs that are inconsistent with reality.
** &quot;The Old American Dream Is a Nightmare,&quot; March 9, 2011.

=== ''[[w:World Made by Hand|World Made by Hand]]'' (2008) ===
Kunstler, James Howard. ''World Made by Hand''. New York, NY: Grove Press, 2008. Print. {{ISBN|978-0-8021-4401-0}}.

* In the early twenty-first century [[farming]] had all but died out here. We got our food from the supermarket, and not everybody cared where the supermarket got it as long as it was there on the shelves. A few elderly dairymen hung on. Many let their fields and pastures go to scrub. Some sold out to what used to be called developers, and they'd put in five or ten poorly build houses. Now, in the new times, there were far fewer people, and many houses outside [the] town were being taken down for their materials. Farming was back. That was the only way we got food.
** Chapter 1, p. 5

* We lived more by the sun than by the clock, but I did own a clock. It was an eight-day windup console clock which I kept on the mantel in the living room, and it was the only timepiece in the house that worked anymore.
** Chapter 4, p. 20

* Living by the clock was an old habit that died hard. Not much that we did required punctuality, but people still wanted to know what time it was.
** Chapter 4, p. 20

* The racket was coming over what used to be our public radio station, WAMC out of [[Wikipedia:Albany, New York|Albany]], but the familiar [...] voices [...] were long gone. Some febrile evangelist was railing from the [[Book of Revelation]].
** Chapter 4, p. 20

* I switched on the television on the outside chance that something might come through. Nothing had been on for years. The local network affiliates withered away after the national network of cable channels went out until there was nothing. 
** Chapter 4, p. 20–21

* I searched the FM band but there was nothing besides other pious pleaders, and they didn't come in too well. The AM band offered about the same thing, only with worse reception, nothing remotely describable as news, and no music because commercial entertainment as we knew it was no more, and its handmaiden, advertising had gone with it.
** Chapter 4, p. 21

* I had one of those steel thermal mugs you carried everywhere with you as a kind of signifier of how busy, and therefore how important you were.
** Chapter 4, p. 22

* It was obvious there would be no return to [what we used to call] &quot;normality.&quot; The [resource-intensive] economy wouldn't be coming back. [[Wikipedia:Globalism|Globalism]] was over. The politicians and generals were failing to pull things together at the center. We would not be returning to Boston. The computer industry, in which so many hopes had been vested, was fading into history.
** Chapter 4, p. 24

* In a world that had become a salvage operation, the general supply evolved into Union Grove's leading industry. When every last useful thing in town had been stripped from the [[Wikipedia:Kmart|Kmart]] and the United Auto, the [[Wikipedia:CVS Pharmacy|CVS drugstore]], and other trading establishments of the bygone national chain-store economy, daily life became a perpetual flea market centered on the old town dump.
** Chapter 5, p. 28

* We regarded [[Wikipedia:Opium|opium]] as a godsend. It did not develop into an illicit trade, though. There was no legal prohibition, no police running around trying to suppress drugs, driving up the price artificially, and no marketing system. There were no distant markets to send it to because shipping anything was slow at best and often unreliable, and travel was something you just didn't do anymore. Anybody could grow their own [[Wikipedia:Papaver somniferum|poppies]] or buy raw opium paste from one of the growers. Farmers made more money growing raspberries or asparagus. They grew poppies as a public service. A few people took to smoking opium, but those with an extremely apathetic attitude toward survival tended not to last long in the new disposition of things.
** Chapter 5, p. 30

* Children [...] had sat in those very box buildings under buzzing fluorescent lights listening to their science teachers prattle about the wonders of space travel and gene splicing and how we were all going to live to be a hundred and twenty-five years old in &quot;smart&quot; computer-controlled houses where all we had to do was speak to bump up the heat or turn on giant home theater screens in a life of perpetual leisure and comfort. It made me sick to think about. Not because there's something necessarily wrong with leisure or comfort, but because that's where our aspirations ended. And in the face of what had actually happened to us, it seemed obscenely stupid.
** Chapter 6, p. 33–34

* Motion is a great tranquilizer.
** Chapter 6, p. 34

* Few dogs were around anymore. Some had been eaten during the hunger that followed the flu in the spring of that year. People didn't talk about it; it was so demoralizing.
** Chapter 7, p. 36

* Jesus [...] look how we live? I'm practically a serf.
** Chapter 7, p. 37

* You could argue people are generally better off now mentally than they were back then. We follow the natural cycles. We eat real food instead of processed crap full of chemicals. We're not jacked up on coffee and television and [...] advertising all the time. No more anxiety about credit card bills.
** Chapter 7, p. 37–38

* We all knew the apparatus of justice had dissolved.
** Chapter 12, p. 57

* As the world changed, we reverted to social divisions that we'd thought were obsolete. The egalitarian pretenses of the high-octane decades had dissolved, and nobody even debated it anymore, including the women of our town. A plain majority of the townspeople were laborers now, whatever in life they had been before. Nobody in town called them peasants, but in effect, that's what they'd become. That's just the way things were.
** Chapter 21, p. 101

* [[Wikipedia:Waterford (town), New York|Waterford]] began its existence as the gateway to the [[Wikipedia:Erie Canal|Erie Canal system]], the first stretch of which was built to bypass several waterfalls on the [[Wikipedia:Mohawk River|Mohawk River]].
** Chapter 28, p. 137

* I remembered Albany [...] as just another down-on-its-luck small American city that had sacrificed its vitality to a whirring ring of homogenous suburbs.
** Chapter 29, p. 140

* We're building our own New Jerusalem up the river. It's a world made by hand, now, one stone at a time, one board at a time, one hope at a time, one soul at a time.
** Chapter 29, p. 142

* Whatever the other failures of the U.S. government were, it had managed to print an excess of dollars which, combined with the collapse of trade and communication, had severely eroded the currency's value.
** Chapter 30, p. 146

* I lay awake [...] listening to the rain drip from the eaves and thinking of the big map that hung from the top of the chalkboard in my primary school in Wilton, Connecticut, so many years ago, back in the days of cars, television, and air-conditioning. The states on this map were muted tones of pink, green, and yellow. Over it hung the flag that we pledged allegiance to every single morning. &quot;One nation under God, indivisible...&quot;
** Chapter 31, p. 150

* I'd been carrying [my Ruger .41 Magnum] so many days that I had almost forgotten it was there. This was the kind of world we now lived in.
** Chapter 36, p. 171

* I argued that the human race should have known it was in trouble, [...] given how insane our way of life had become. Minor quit blowing into his harmonica long enough to say that [[Wikipedia:John D. Rockefeller|John D. Rockefeller]] and the [[Wikipedia:Bush family|Bush family]] had made a deal with the Devil going back all the way to the 1900s.
** Chapter 38, p. 181

* Could we even pretend the law still existed? Or was it something you made up now, as the occasion required?
** Chapter 38, p. 181

* The essence of politics was to not act on your impulses.
** Chapter 42, p. 199

* There's real strangeness in this world of ours. Back in the machine times, there was so much noise front and back, so to speak, it kept us from knowing what lies behind the surface of things. 
** Chapter 55, p. 262

* It was more possible that the human race possessed some spark of divinity that was worth cultivating than that a mysterious ''being'' was up there in the ether somewhere with anthropomorphic qualities of goodness and mercy running the whole show.
** Chapter 65, p. 315–316

* We were content to be undisturbed in our little backwater, Union Grove, [[Wikipedia:Washington County, New York|Washington County]], in a place once called the [[Wikipedia:New York State|Empire State]], where the [[Wikipedia:Battenkill|Battenkill]] runs into the [[Wikipedia:Hudson River|Hudson River]].
** Chapter 65, p. 317

=== ''[[w:The Long Emergency|The Long Emergency]]'' (2005) ===
Kunstler, James Howard. ''The Long Emergency''. New York, NY: Grove Press, 2005. Print. {{ISBN|978-0-8711-3888-0}}.

* It has been [...] hard [...] to make sense of the gathering forces that will fundamentally alter the terms of everyday life in [...] society. Even after the {{w|September 11 attacks|terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001}}, that collapsed the twin towers of the {{w|World Trade Center (1973–2001)|World Trade Center}} and sliced through [[the Pentagon]], [...] [we are] still sleepwalking into [an uncertain] [...] future. We have walked out of our burning house, and we are now headed off the edge of a cliff. Beyond that cliff is an abyss of economic and political disorder on a scale that no one has ever seen before. […]  It is my view, for instance, that in the decades to come the national government will prove to be so impotent and ineffective in managing the enormous vicissitudes we face that the [[United States]] may not survive as a nation in any meaningful sense but […] will devolve into a set of autonomous regions.
** Chapter 1, p. 1.

* It is no exaggeration to state that reliable supplies of cheap [and easy-to-find [[hydrocarbon]]s like] [[oil]] and [[w:natural gas|natural gas]] underlie everything we identify as a benefit of modern life. All the necessities, comforts, luxuries, and miracles of our time [...] owe their origins or continued existence in one way or another to cheap fossil fuel. Even our nuclear power plants [...] depend on cheap [...] [hydrocarbons] for all the procedures of construction, maintenance, and extracting and processing nuclear fuels. The blandishments of cheap oil and gas were so seductive, and induced such transports of mesmerizing contentment, that we ceased paying attention to the essential nature of these miraculous gifts from the [deep] earth: that they exist in finite, nonrenewable supplies, unevenly distributed around the world. To aggravate matters, the wonders of steady technological progress under the reign of oil have tricked us [...] to believe that anything we wish for hard enough can come true. These days, even people in our culture who ought to know better are wishing ardently that a smooth, seamless transition from fossil fuels to their putative replacements [...] lies just a few years ahead. [...] This is a dangerous fantasy. The true best-case scenario may be that some of these technologies will take decades to develop–meaning that we can expect an extremely turbulent interval between the end of cheap oil and whatever comes next. A more likely scenario is that new fuels and technologies may never replace fossil fuels at the scale, rate, and manner at which the [industrial] world currently consumes them.
** Chapter 1, p. 2–3.

* What is [...] not comprehended about this predicament is that the developed world will begin to suffer long before the oil and gas [...] run out. The [[American Dream|American way of life]] [...] can run only on reliable supplies of dependably cheap [hydrocarbons like] oil and gas. Even mild to moderate deviations in [...] supply will crush our economy and make […] daily life impossible. Fossil fuel reserves are not scattered equitably around the world. They tend to be concentrated in places where the native peoples don’t like the West in general [...], places physically very remote, places where we realistically can exercise little control [...]. [...] We can be certain that the price and supplies of fossil fuels will suffer oscillations and disruptions in the period ahead [...]. [...] The decline of fossil fuels is certain to ignite chronic strife between nations contesting the remaining supplies. These resource wars have already begun. There will be more of them. They are [...] likely to grind on and on [...]. They will only aggravate a situation that, in and of itself, could bring down civilizations. The extent of suffering [...] will certainly depend on how tenaciously we attempt to cling to obsolete habits, customs, and assumptions–for instance, how fiercely [...] [we] decide to fight to maintain suburban lifestyles that simply cannot be rationalized any longer.
** Chapter 1, p. 3.

* [[Thomas Robert Malthus|[Thomas] Malthus]] was certainly correct [that demand will outstrip supply], but [...] [hydrocarbons] [...] skewed the [supply-demand] equation over the past [two] hundred years while the human race has enjoyed an unprecedented orgy of [a fraction of] nonrenewable condensed solar energy accumulated over eons of prehistory. The “green revolution” in boosting crop yields was minimally about scientific innovation in crop genetics and mostly about dumping massive amounts of fertilizers and pesticides made [...] of [...] [petroleum] onto crops, as well as employing irrigation at a fantastic scale made possible by abundant oil and gas. The cheap oil age created an artificial bubble of plenitude for a period not much longer than a human lifetime, a hundred years. Within that […], the idea took hold that only grouches, spoilsports, and godless maniacs considered population hypergrowth a problem [with a direct solution], and that to even raise the issue was indecent. [...] As oil ceases to be cheap and the world reserves arc toward depletion, we will indeed suddenly be left with an enormous surplus population [...] that the ecology of the earth [sic] will not support. No political program of birth control will avail. The people are already here. The journey back to non-oil population homeostasis will not be pretty. '''We will discover the hard way that [[w:Baby boom|population hypergrowth]] was simply a side effect of the oil age.''' It was [more of] a condition [without a remedy], not a problem with a [direct] solution. That is what happened, and we are stuck with it.
** Chapter 1, p. 8.

* The high tide of the [...] [industrial] age also happened to be a moment in history when human ingenuity gained an upper hand against the age-old scourges of disease. We have enjoyed the great benefits of antibiotic medicine for [...] a half-century. Penicillin, sulfa drugs, and their descendants briefly gave [hu]mankind the notion that diseases caused by microorganisms could, and indeed would, be systematically vanquished. Or, at least, this was the popular view. Doctors and scientists knew better. [...] The recognition is now growing that the victory over microbes was short-lived. They are back in force, including [...] old enemies such as tuberculosis and staphylococcus in new drug-resistant strains. Other old diseases are on the march into new territories, as a response to climate change brought on by global warming [caused by the burning of fossil fuels]. In response to unprecedented habitat destruction by humans and the invasion of [what we call] wilderness, the earth [sic] itself seems to be sending forth new and much more lethal diseases, as though it had a [...] protective immune system with antibody-like agents aimed with remarkable precision at the source of the problem: ''Homo sapiens''.
** Chapter 1, p. 9–10.

* At the same time, the world is overdue for an extreme influenza epidemic. The last major outbreak was the [[w:Spanish flu|1918 Spanish influenza]], which killed fifty million [and possibly more, as we will not know the real numbers] people worldwide and changed the course of history. […] Disease will certainly play a larger role in the Long Emergency than many can now imagine. An epidemic could paralyze social and economic systems, interrupt global trade, and bring down governments. […] '''At the very least, the Long Emergency will be a time of diminished life spans for many of us, as well as reduced standards of living'''–at least as understood within the current social context. Fossil fuels had the effect of temporarily raising the carrying capacity of the earth. Our ability to resist the environmental corrective of disease will [...] prove to have been another temporary boon of the [...] [industrial] age [...]. So much of what we construe to be among our entitlements to perpetual progress may prove to have been a strange, marvelous, and anomalous moment in [...] history.
** Chapter 1, p. 11–12.

* The so-called global economy was not a permanent institution, [...] but a set of transient circumstances peculiar to a certain time: the […] fossil fuel era. […] Factories could be started up in [[Sri Lanka]] and [[Malaysia]], where swollen populations furnished trainable workers willing to labor for much less than those back in the United States or [[Europe]]. Products then moved around the globe in a highly rationalized system, not unlike the oil allocation system, using immense vessels, automated port facilities, and truck-scaled shipping containers at a minuscule cost-per-unit of whatever was made and transported. Shirts or coffeemakers manufactured 12,000 miles away could be shipped to Wal-Marts all over America and sold cheaply. […] Meanwhile, among economists and government figures, globalism developed [...] [as] an intellectual fad. Globalism allowed them to believe that burgeoning wealth in the developed countries, and the spread of industrial activity to formerly primitive regions, was based on the potency of their own ideas and policies rather than on cheap [and easy-to-find hydrocarbons like] oil. […] [An] overlooked [fact] is that [[Margaret Thatcher|[Margaret] Thatcher]]’s success in reviving England coincided with a fantastic new revenue stream from {{w|North Sea}} oil, as quaint old Britannia became energy self-sufficient and a net energy-exporting nation for the first time since the heyday of coal. Globalism then infected America when [[Ronald Reagan]] came on the scene in 1981. Reagan’s ‘supply-side” economic advisors retailed a set of fiscal ideas that neatly accessorized the new notions about free trade and deregulation, chiefly that massively reducing taxes would […] result in greater revenues as the greater aggregate of business activity generated a greater aggregate of taxes even at lower rates. (What it […] generated was huge government deficits.) […] The rise of computers, in turn, promoted the fantasy that commerce in sheer information would be the long-sought replacement for all the played-out activities of the smokestack economy. A country like America, it was now thought, no longer needed steelmaking or tire factories or other harsh, dirty, troublesome enterprises. Let the poor masses of [[Asia]] and {{w|South America}} have them and lift themselves up from agricultural peonage. America would outsource all this old economy stuff and use computers to orchestrate the movement of parts and the assembly of products from distant quarters of the world, and then sell the stuff in our own {{w|K-mart}}s and {{w|Wal-Mart}}s, which would become global juggernauts of retailing. […] It was also like a convoluted liquidation sale of the accrued wealth of two hundred years of industrial society for the benefit of a handful of financial buccaneers, with the great masses relegated to a race to the bottom as the economic assets are dismantled and sold off, and their livelihoods are closed […]. That this development was uniformly greeted as a public good by the vast majority of Americans, at the same time that their local economies were being destroyed—and with them, myriad social and civic benefits—is one of the greater enigmas of recent social history. In effect, Americans threw away their communities […] to save a few dollars on hair dryers and plastic food storage tubs, never stopping to reflect on what they were destroying.
** Chapter 1, p. 12-16.

* [Globalism's] demise will coincide with the end of the cheap-oil age. For better or worse, many of the circumstances we associate with globalism will be reversed. Markets will close as political turbulence and military mischief interrupt trade relations. As markets close, societies will turn increasingly to import replacement[s] for sheer economic survival. The cost of transport will no longer be negligible in a post-cheap-oil age. Many of our agricultural products will have to be produced closer to home, and [...] by more intensive [...] labor as oil and natural gas supplies become increasingly unstable. The world will stop shrinking and become larger again. Virtually all [...] the [...] relationships [...] that we have taken for granted as permanent will be radically changed [...]. Life will become intensely and increasingly local.
** Chapter 1, p. 17.

* In any case, the tragic truth is that much of suburbia is unreformable. It does not lend itself to being retrofitted into the [...] mixed-use, smaller scaled, more fine-grained walkable environments we will need to carry on daily life in the coming age of [...] reduced motoring. [...] Instead, this suburban real estate [...] will enter a phase of rapid and cruel devaluation. Many of the suburban subdivisions will become the slums of the future. […] The seasons […] will continue with the great cycles of contraction and expansion, and at some point, in the future, who knows how many years distant, some of these cities in a land once called [the [[United States|United States of North] America]] may be robust and cosmopolitan in ways that we can’t imagine now, any more than a Roman of A.D. 38 might have been able to imagine the future London of the Beatles.
** Chapter 1, p. 17–18.

* […] We have lived through as a narrative episode in a greater saga of human history. The industrial story has a beginning, a middle, and an end. [[w:First Industrial Revolution|It begins in the mid-eighteenth century with coal and the first steam engines]], [[w:Second Industrial Revolution|proceeds to a robust second act]] climaxing in the years before [[World War I]], and moves toward a third act resolution now that we can anticipate with some precision the depletion of the resources that made the industrial episode possible. As the industrial story ends, the greater saga of [hu]mankind will move on into a new episode, the Long Emergency. This is […] a self-evident point, but throughout history, even the most important and self-evident trends are often completely ignored because the changes they foreshadow are simply unthinkable. That process is sometimes referred to as an “outside context problem,” something so far beyond the ordinary experience of those dwelling in a certain time and place that they cannot make sense of available information. The collective mental static preventing comprehension is also sometimes referred to as “cognitive dissonance,” a term borrowed from developmental psychology. It helps explain why the […] public has been sleepwalking into the future. The Long Emergency is going to be a tremendous trauma for […] human[s] […]. It is likely to entail political [and social] turbulence every bit as extreme as the economic conditions that prompt it.
** Chapter 1, p. 20.

* Whole ideologies had to be constructed to account for being modern and to explain it.
** Chapter 2, p. 22.

* Now, exactly a hundred years after the first powered flight at {{w|Kitty Hawk, North Carolina}}, I can get on a jet airplane twice the size of a house several times a month and fly halfway across North America in the time it takes to finish a newspaper—and I end up feeling cranky and resentful about the service, to boot! They ran out of pretzels! The air conditioning was set too low! […] Everything characteristic about the condition we call modern life has been a direct result of our access to abundant supplies of cheap [[Fossil fuel|fossil fuels]]. Fossil fuels have permitted us to fly, to go where we want to go rapidly, and move things easily from place to place. Fossil fuels rescued us from the despotic darkness of the night. They have made the pharaonic scale of building commonplace everywhere. They have allowed a fractionally tiny percentage of our swollen populations to produce massive amounts of food. They have allowed us to develop industries of surpassing ingenuity and to push the limits of what it even means to be human [...]. [But] The age of fossil fuels is about to end. There is no replacement for them at hand. 
** Chapter 2, p. 23.

* Because the oil peak phenomenon […] cancels out further industrial growth of the kind we are used to, its implications lie radically outside […] economic paradigm. So, the oil peak phenomenon has been discounted to about zero among conventional economists, who assume that “market signals” about oil supplies will inevitably trigger innovation, which, in turn, will cause [something] new […] to materialize and enable further growth. If the market signals are not triggering innovation, then the problem must be overstated and growth under the oil regime will resume—after, say, a normal periodic downcycle. This is obvious casuistry, but casuistry can be a great comfort when a problem has no real solution. […] Our investment in an oil-addicted way of life […] is now so inordinately large that it is too late to salvage all the national wealth wasted on building it, or to continue that way of life more than a decade or so into the future. What’s more, as we have outsourced manufacturing to other countries, the entire U.S. economy has become more […] dependent on continued misinvestment in […] suburbia and its accessories. No politician wants to tell voters that the [[American Dream]] has been canceled for a lack of […] resources. The U.S. economy would disintegrate. So, whichever party is in power has tended to ignore the issue, change the subject, or spin it into the realm of delusion.
** Chapter 2, p. 28.

* Oil is an amazing substance. It stores a tremendous amount of energy per weight and volume. It is easy to transport. It stores easily at regular air temperature in unpressurized metal tanks, and it can sit there indefinitely without degrading. You can pump it through a pipe, you can send it all over the world in ships, you can haul it around in trains, cars, and trucks, you can even fly it in tanker planes and refuel other airplanes in flight. It is flammable but has proven to be safe to handle with a modest amount of care by people with double-digit IQs. […] We used [oil] [...] as if there was no tomorrow. Now there may not be one. That's how special oil has been. 
** Chapter 2, p. 31.

* […] Suburbia turned out to be a disappointing cartoon of country living rather than the real thing [that] was a tragic unanticipated consequence […].
** Chapter 2, p. 40.

* […] The base price of a barrel of oil did eventually more than quadruple by the time the embargo was called off in March 1974. And the price rise alone staggered the West and Japan. Already at that time, public transit was a thing of the past and about 85 percent of Americans drove to work every day.
** Chapter 2, p. 46.

* Oil is the world's most critical resource. Without it, nothing works in industrial civilization as currently configured. Few people dispute the idea that the world will eventually run out of oil, and there is a broad recognition that it will happen [...].
** Chapter 3, p. 64.

* The total planetary endowment of conventional nonrenewable liquid oil was [...] two trillion barrels before humans started using it [and possibly more, as most of it was used to protect the Earth's crust]. Since the mid-nineteenth century, the world has burned through [...] one trillion barrels of oil, [...] representing the easiest-to-get, highest-quality liquids. [...] Oil has enabled the [[w:Baby boom|[post-War] population explosion]].
** Chapter 3, p. 66.

* The denial about [the] global peak in the United States is already fierce, as investments in car-dependent, oil-addicted infrastructure are greater here than in any other nation and Americans consider their way of life a God-given entitlement. […] The economic [...] [struggle] among [...] all nations, [...] will be considerable and is certain to lead to increasingly desperate competition for diminishing supplies of oil [and every other resource]. 
** Chapter 3, p. 68.

* […] With China becoming a presence by necessity in the region, we would be back in a cold war again, or something worse, contesting with a rival world hegemon, this time over […] resources, not [just] ideology.
** Chapter 3, p. 84.

* Eventually, […] [we] will have to contend with the problems of the Long Emergency: the end of industrial growth, falling standards of living, economic desperation, declining food production, and domestic political strife. A point will be reached when the great powers of the world no longer have the means to project their power any distance. Even nuclear weapons may become inoperable, considering how much their careful maintenance depends on other technological systems linked to our fossil fuel economy.
** Chapter 3, p. 98.

* To some degree, all […] the non-fossil fuel energy sources […] depend on an underlying fossil fuel economy. You can’t manufacture metal wind turbines using wind energy technology. You can’t make lead-acid storage batteries for solar electric systems using any known solar energy systems.
** Chapter 3, p. 100.

* This age-old tendency of humans to believe in magical deliverance and to wish for happy outcomes has been aggravated by the very technological triumphs that the oil age brought into existence. Technology itself has become a […] supernatural force, one that has demonstrably delivered all kinds of miracles within the memory of many people now living […].
** Chapter 3, p. 101.

* Natural gas […] is not as versatile as gasoline, but it does a lot of tasks beautifully. Gas is the feedstock—the raw material—for a wide array of chemicals, pharmaceuticals, and plastics. Ninety-five percent of the nitrogenous fertilizers used in America are made […] of natural gas, and so it has become indispensable to U.S. agriculture.
** Chapter 3, p. 103.

* Both the mining and the washing [of hydrocarbons] require huge amounts of energy, and it has been proposed that any commercial exploitation of the [[w:Athabasca oil sands|Alberta tar sands]] would take 20 percent of [[Canada]]’s total natural gas production. In the long run, it might not be worth expending the energy from gas to get the energy from the tar sands. If oil from the tar sands themselves were used to process more tar sands, the return would be three barrels of oil for every two consumed. […] In the early days of conventional oil in [[Texas]], the {{w|ERoEI}} formula was very favorable, around twenty to one. The oil was found close to the surface on dry land in temperate places easy to work in, and it gushed out of the ground under its own pressure. […] Going a bit further, the fundamental equations that support all gigantic […] organisms, […] may no longer obtain, and human life would have to reorganize its activities on a different basis. Also, '''once these complex systems and their subsystems halt their operations, restarting them may range from difficult to impossible''' […].
** Chapter 3, p. 108.

* [[w:Ancient Roman architecture|Roman architecture]] would have been impossible without the complex socioeconomic platform of [the] empire. The medieval social platform for northern European life was less elaborate and […] less complex. Compare these two historical cases with the complexity of social and economic organization that allows oil to be extracted from the ground, refined to gasoline, transported six thousand miles, and used in a highly engineered, fine-tuned machine called a car, [to be] driven on a six-lane freeway. '''If the social and economic platform fails, how long before the knowledge base dissolves?''' Two hundred years from now, will anyone know how to build or even repair a 1962 Chrysler slant-six engine? Not to mention a Nordex 1500 kW wind turbine? […] The existing knowledge in basic physics and chemistry is so widespread that it is likely to persist quite a while into the future and provide a foundation for doing more with less than, say, the people of the eighteenth century were able to do with their more limited knowledge.
** Chapter 4, p. 130.

* We surely will have to reform our land-use habits and the oil-based transportation system that has allowed us to run our car-crazy suburban environments. We'll have to drastically change the way we grow our food and where we grow it. [The] social organization may be quite different in the decades ahead. Features of contemporary life that we have taken for granted [...] may fade into history. Politics that evolved to suit the [...] [industrial age] may morph beyond recognition [...].
** Chapter 4, p. 141.

* '''Our brains are […] not equipped to process events on the geologic scale'''—at least in reference to how we choose to live, or what we choose to do in the here-and-now.
** Chapter 5, p. 148.

* [Global warming] [...] happens to coincide with our imminent descent down the slippery slope of [...] [hydrocarbon] depletion, so that '''all the potential discontinuities of that epochal circumstance will be amplified, ramified, reinforced, and torqued by climate change.''' If global warming is a result of human activity, fossil fuel-based industrialism, [...] then it seems [...] the prospects are poor that […] human[s] […] will be able to do anything about it, because the journey down the oil depletion arc will be much more disorderly than the journey up was. The disruptions and hardships of decelerating industrialism will destabilize governments and societies to the degree that concerted international action [...] will never be carried out. In the chaotic world of diminishing and contested [...] resources, there will simply be a mad scramble to use up whatever [...] people can manage to lay their hands on. The very idea that we possess any control over the process seems to be further evidence of the delusion gripping our [...] culture [...].
** Chapter 5, p. 148–149.

* [...] Abrupt climate change may be normal in the planet's history, or, to state it differently, that the earth's [sic] climate is inherently very unstable.
** Chapter 5, p. 149. 

* Without the [[w:Gulf Stream|Gulf Stream]], [[United  Kingdom|Britain]], [[France]], the [[w:Low Countries|Low Countries]], and [[Scandinavia]] would have a climate like [[w:Labrador|Labrador]]’s, colder by twenty degrees Fahrenheit in annual mean. The Gulf Stream has been likened to an oceanic conveyor belt. The force of the warm water flowing north has been described as equal to the volume of seventy-five [[w:Amazon River|Amazon river]]s.
** Chapter 5, p. 153.

* According to the {{w|IPCC}}, sea levels rose by ten to twenty centimeters during the twentieth century and are currently rising by about two millimeters a year, which is at the upper range of the rate of rise for the last century. With global warming accelerating, this is apt to increase. The accepted prediction is that sea levels will rise during the twenty-first century by about fifty centimeters, or a little under two feet, though some scientists predict a full meter. […] One-sixth of the people in the world live in coastal zones within one meter of sea level. This is the […] outside context problem so alien to contemporary experience that the public and its leaders can really find no way to process the information and figure out what to do about it—and for the excellent reason that it is not a problem with a direct solution. It is more a condition without a remedy. If the major shipping ports […] end up being submerged, humankind will just have to work around it. The disruptions to world trade might be epochal, gigantic, […] [and] tragic. It seems obvious that […] human[s] […] will simply have to adjust, even if that means adjusting to a new reality of severely lower expectations in living standards, comfort, and amenity. […] When the time comes, […] [we] will just have to move to higher ground. 
** Chapter 5, p. 162.

* Harvard biologist [[w:E. O. Wilson|Edward O. Wilson]] warns that [[China]]'s current program to mitigate huge population increases with gigantic water projects may have dire consequences. Irrigation and other withdrawals have already depleted the {{w|Yellow River}}, which, starting in 1972, has run bone-dry part of the year in {{w|Shandong}} province, where one-fifth of China's wheat and one-seventh of its corn is produced. In 1997, the river stopped flowing for a record 226 days. The groundwater levels of the northern China plains have plummeted. The water table in major grain-producing areas is falling at the rate of five feet a year. Of China's 617 cities, three hundred already face water shortages. Of China's approximately 23,000 miles of major rivers, 80 percent no longer support fish life. The [[w:Xiaolangdi Dam|Xiaolangdi dam project]] now underway along the Yellow River in north China is exceeded in size only by the {{w|Three Gorges Dam}} on the {{w|Yangtze}} in South China. In addition, the Chinese government intends to siphon water from the Yangtze […] and send it over by a canal system to the Yellow River and Beijing, respectively. When it is running, the Yellow River is already one of the most particle-laden in the world. Because of that, it is estimated that the Xiaolangdi dam would silt up within thirty years of completion. The […] project is reminiscent of another centrally planned mega-project that ended in grief: the [[Soviet Union]]'s scheme to drain the {{w|Aral Sea}} to irrigate gigantic cotton farms in [[Kazakhstan]]. The project turned one of the world's largest inland bodies of fresh water into [a] salty desert. The potential for calamity in China is therefore huge as it skirts a range of forces presented by the Long Emergency, any one of which, or some combination, could send it reeling over its tipping point: the effects of global climate change, competition for [every resource including] oil, extremes of pollution, disease, and war, either with its neighbors or internally. Despite the current veneer of prosperity and stability, China has tremendous potential for political chaos. As Wilson fearlessly points out, the pressure on China's agriculture and water resources is intensified by the predicament shared by many countries: runaway population growth [caused by industrialization]. '''Population growth rates may be mitigated […] from culture to culture by economic advance (which tends to lower reproductive rates by channeling women into the workplace), but economic development produces other [[w:Jevons paradox|not-so-benign consequences]].''' Developing [systems like] nation[-state]s invariably increase their energy use [as they grow complex]. More cars are used, more electricity [is] generated, [and] more greenhouse emissions [are] sent into the atmosphere. In the Long Emergency, […] “there will only be two types of nations: the over-developed and those which will never develop.” China may represent an amalgamation of those two conditions in one nation-state.
** Chapter 5, p. 163–164.

* Like China, the United States is divided […] in half between wet and dry. Though the human population of the United States is proportionately much smaller than China's, the amount of effort America has expended on manipulating habitats and altering terrain is as impressive in its own way as China's birthrate. Especially significant is the stupendous amount of paving laid down in the United States during the past hundred years. It prevents rain from being absorbed as groundwater and sends it instead into rivers, and […] into the ocean. The effect of this is the inability of water tables and wetlands to recharge and the diminishing ability of the terrain to support life. In the United States, only 2 percent of the country's rivers and wetlands remain free-flowing and undeveloped. As a result, the country has lost more than half of its wetlands.
** Chapter 5, p. 165.

* '''Climate change, competition for water, and polluted water sources will also be exacerbated by failures in the electric grid caused by oil and gas supply disruptions.''' Even if water is available, localities may lack the power to push it through their treatment plants and municipal pipes.
** Chapter 5, p. 166. 

* Fifty years of easy living with the miracle of antibiotics was a major contributor to the hubris that gripped the industrial nations in the early twenty-first century. Smallpox was eliminated except in strategic laboratory samples. Measles was conquered. Sexually transmitted diseases that used to leave people maimed and crazy were cured with one visit to the doctor. Many tropical diseases seemed to be on the wane as immunology and pharmacology bolstered widespread progress in sanitation and nutrition. The vanquishing of disease represented a [...] meta-victory by [hu]mankind over a much greater set of enemies than the parochial combatants of our geopolitical wars. Indeed, these great advances of medical science against disease took place against the backdrop of war. The United States emerged victorious from [[w:World War II|the last [...] world war]], having defeated manifest political evil, armed with penicillin and sulfa drugs. The postwar antibiotic miracle contributed to a false sense of security in the public and a sense of [...] omnipotence [...].
** Chapter 5, p. 167.

* '''As the struggle over the remaining oil and gas intensifies, larger numbers of economic losers will be created''', and those economic losers will be underfed, ill-housed, poorly doctored, badly informed, badly behaved, and subject to plummeting life expectancies.
** Chapter 5, p. 170.

* Despite miraculous advances in medical technology, genetic typing, and immunology, [...] [we] are not much better prepared for a severe flu epidemic than they were for [[w:Spanish flu|the 1918 outbreak]]. Epidemic influenza is extremely difficult to counteract. Flu vaccines developed in any given year are notoriously ineffective against new strains that come along the following year. It takes seven months or more to create, test, manufacture, and distribute a vaccine developed in direct response to a new virus, and by that time the disease can burn through global populations. '''If a pandemic broke out today, hospital facilities would be overwhelmed. Nurses and doctors would be infected along with the rest of the population.'''
** Chapter 5, p. 173.

* {{w|Operation Dark Winter}} employed a cast of volunteers […] to act out roles following a script in which a terrorist released smallpox in one eastern U.S. city. The result was sobering to an extreme. The public health system virtually collapsed. Hospitals degenerated into chaos. Smallpox spread to twenty-five states and overseas. The national stockpile of vaccines proved to be deeply inadequate. The exercise was called off after four days from the sheer exhaustion of the participants, while the fictional epidemic was still spreading. 
** Chapter 5, p. 176.

* The [[w:Germ theory of disease|germ theory]], which emerged in the late nineteenth century, focused the world's attention on the specific agents responsible for [...] diseases, but the [physical,] social and ecological contexts are equally important, and these are now coming more prominently into play with world population well beyond the limits of the earth's [sic] [...] [optimum] carrying capacity and with climate change [...] in progress. [...] Ecological [...] [pressures], rapid changes in land use, penetration of formerly inaccessible habitats, and disturbed migration routes can lead to the appearance or diffusion of a disease. While we may be able to identify [some, if not all] the microorganisms involved, we can be helpless in the face of it, and our behavior may still promote its spread.
** Chapter 5, p. 177.

* [...] The disturbance of global oil markets as the permanent energy crisis begins is liable to interrupt global commerce and global travel. Fewer […] will fly [...]. However, these same energy problems will surely reduce crop production, which would lead to reduced food aid to desperate populations [...], which would then lead to compromised immune systems and the [...] [invasion] of poor, hungry, and [...] unhealthy people [...]. This is an obvious recipe for conflict and woe. Where the refugee camps [are] set up, [the] disease will surely follow.
** Chapter 5, p. 178.

* '''The attrition of global populations by disease[s] may be unavoidable.''' Some [...] may regard it as the inevitable revenge of nature against the hubris of a human species arrogantly exceeding the carrying capacity of its habitat. Some may regard it as a moral victory against wickedness. Some may view it in the therapeutic mode as a positive development for the health of the planet. Many self-conscious &quot;humanists&quot; have militated for the goal of reducing population growth —though most of them would have [...] preferred widespread birth control [using contraceptive methods like the birth pill and condoms, ironically made from cheap oil] to a die-off. [Contraceptive methods] might have been just another product of the narcotic comfort of cheap oil [...]. Apart from these issues of attitude and ethics, however, a major decline in [...] population [...] is apt to have profound and strange repercussions on everyday life. 
** Chapter 5, p. 178.

* [...] We [...] flatter ourselves to think that we are above this kind of general catastrophe—because our [...] prowess during the [...] [industrial age] was so marvelous that all future problems are (supposedly) guaranteed to be solved by similar applications of ingenuity. This was certainly the consensus among the scientists, computer geniuses, and biotech millionaires [...]. They were uniformly uninterested in the issues of the global oil peak and natural gas depletion and utterly convinced that the industrial societies would be rescued by hydrogen, wind power, and solar electricity, all to be figured out by their cohort techno-geniuses in [...] time. If there is anything we have been stupendously bad at in the preceding century of wonders, it is recognizing the diminishing returns of our [...] [technological] prowess. Some of our greatest achievements, [...] have produced dreadful diminishing returns [...]. This persistent failure or weakness [...] negates the value of our ability to see what's coming. [...] Rather than [...] progress, we are more likely to see [...] the loss of information, ability, and confidence. 
** Chapter 5, p. 181.

* Many individual immune systems will be compromised by the hardships of the Long Emergency and disease will seize the opportunities presented, as it always has. [...] Millions [and perhaps billions] of human beings are going to die.
** Chapter 5, p. 182.

* As hunger and hardship increase, the world may see more than one wave of more than one disease. If [...] an influenza pandemic emerges, for instance, many [...] will succumb [...]. [...] The age-old human enemies [...] will be on hand with new immunity to the old techno-tricks of the [nineteenth and] twentieth [...] [centuries]. [...] Nobody really knows where that is taking us, though we do know that [...] [our ancestors] endured more than one ice age in the past.
** Chapter 5, p. 182–183.

* The current urban population of the world […] is greater than the entire population of the world in 1960. Seventy-eight percent of the urban dwellers in the so-called developing world live in slums. From the West African littoral to the mountainsides of the {{w|Andes}} to the banks of the {{w|Nile}}, the {{w|Ganges}}, the {{w|Mekong}}, and the {{w|Irrawaddy}}, new gigantic slums spread like immense laboratory growth media, waiting to host epidemic disease cultures. {{w|Lagos}}, [[Nigeria]], for example, grew from a city of 300,000 in 1950 to over ten million today. But Lagos, writes [[w:Mike Davis (scholar)|Mike Davis]], &quot;is simply the biggest node in the shanty-town corridor of 70 million people that stretches from {{w|Abidjan}} to {{w|Ibadan}}: probably the biggest continuous footprint of urban poverty on earth.&quot; Most of the world's new, exploding slums have only the most rudimentary sanitary arrangements, open sewers running along the corridor-like &quot;streets.&quot; In the slums of Bombay, there is an estimated one toilet per five hundred inhabitants. Currently, two million children die every year from waste-contaminated water in the world's slums. The enormity of this urban disaster is poorly comprehended in advanced nations like the United States, where the drinking water is still safe and even the poor have flush toilets connected to real sewers. But '''the slums of the world will […] be the breeding ground of the next pandemic''', and chances are, once it is underway, the wealthy nations will not be spared. 
** Chapter 5, p. 183.

* The entropic mess that our economy has become is the final blowoff of […] industrialism. The destructive practices known as &quot;free-market globalism&quot; were engendered by our run-up to and arrival at the world oil production peak. It was the logical climax of the oil &quot;story.&quot; It required the breakdown of all previous constraints […] to maximize the present at the expense of the future and to do so for the benefit of a very few at the expense of the many. […] Free-market globalism became the reigning orthodoxy […], challenged only by cranks wearing nose-rings at the very margins of society. '''The moment that the world recognizes the passing of the oil production peak as a reality, globalism will be dead both in theory and practice.'''
** Chapter 6, p. 185.

* Globalism was operated by oligarchical corporations on the gigantic scale, made possible by cheap oil. By “oligarchical” I mean that power was vested in small numbers of people running large organizations who were not accountable for their actions to many of the people who were subject to those actions. By “corporation,” I mean a group enterprise given the legal status of a “person,” with “rights,” but in fact devoid of any human qualities of ethics, humility, mercy, duty, or loyalty that would constrain those rights. As Wendell Berry put it, “a corporation […] is a pile of money to which a number of persons have sold their moral allegiance… It can experience no personal hope or remorse. No change of heart. It cannot humble itself. It goes about its business as if it were immortal, with the single purpose of becoming a bigger pile of money.
** Chapter 6, p. 186.

* The free-market part of the equation referred to the putative benefit of unrestrained economic competition between individuals, and because corporations enjoyed the legal status of persons, they were assumed to be on an equal footing with other persons in a given locality. Thus, Wal-Mart was considered the theoretical equal of Bob the appliance store owner, and if Bob happened to lose in the retail competition because he couldn't order 50,000 coffeemakers at a crack from a factory 12,000 miles away in {{w|Hangzhou}}, and receive a deep discount for being such an important customer, well, it wasn't as though he hadn't been given the chance.
** Chapter 6, p. 187.

* Cheap oil had allowed populations to explode in precisely those parts of the world that had had, for millennia, a high infant mortality rate and modest life expectancy. Cheap oil was behind the &quot;green revolution&quot; that increased the food supply in the nonindustrial world. Oil was also behind many of the medicines and preventives that had neutralized […] diseases. Now, suddenly, most of those children […] survived, grew up and produced more children who survived and grew up, and over the course of the twentieth century, the global populations hurtled into extreme numerical overshoot. Populations were, in effect, eating oil, notably in food exports from the United States, where agribusiness had completely taken over from agriculture. Local farmers in Africa, Asia, or South America couldn’t compete with corporate [[w:ADM (company)|Archer Daniels Midland]]’s oil-and-gas-based grain crops and U.S. government subsidies. There was no point in even bringing their hardscrabble crops to market when sacks of cheap American wheat sat on the docks of [[w:Busan|Pusan]] or [[Colombo]]. Farmers in those places felt that they had no choice but to migrate to the city and find some other way to get by. The only comparative advantage that these people possessed was their willingness to work for next to nothing. '''Cheap oil and free-market globalism turned comparative advantage into a new kind of feudalism, with the corporations as the lords and the overabundant locals as the serfs.''' And then, when the comparative advantage of cheap labor […] of one place, […] was superseded by the cheaper labor […] of another place, […] the corporations just moved their operations.
** Chapter 6, p. 187–188.

* The idea of comparative advantage works when there is a complex local economy intact in the background of each trading partner’s specialized item of production, with a variety of social roles and occupational niches to support the long-term project of community. But a locality geared to doing only one thing for export is […] a slave system based on the extractive economics of mining. […] One group had all the cheap labor, and another group had all the capital, and for a while, one group made all the things that the other group “consumed.” Thus, comparative advantage became, for a time, a con game strictly for the benefit of large corporations, which ended up enjoying all the advantages while the localities sucked up the costs.
** Chapter 6, p. 188.

* The corporations benefiting from this regime often had no physical home of their own, even in their country of origin—and not a few American corporations had moved their official address to [[w:Tax haven|Caribbean pseudo nations]], where the banking and tax laws were more agreeable. The corporations had no allegiance to any […] place or the people of that place, so the destruction they wreaked was as manifest in the ravaged towns of [[Ohio]] and upstate [[New York City|New York]] as in the environmental degradation of [[China]]. America was hardly immune to the consequences of free-market globalism. In effect, the American heartland was overtaken by a new […] corporate colonialism, emanating from our own culture, but no less destructive than the imposition of foreign rule.
** Chapter 6, p. 188–189.

* Did Americans sell out their towns, their neighbors, the memory of their ancestors, and the future of their grandchildren because they were helplessly in thrall to the blandishments of a cheap-oil economy? I honestly don’t know, though I tend to view the outcome as the result of many collective bad choices made by the public and its leaders. But were those choices inescapable? Certainly, the process was insidious and played out over several generations. 
** Chapter 6, p. 189-190.

* There have to be limits. If we project “housing starts” ninety-nine years forward at current rates, there wouldn’t be a single build-able quarter-acre lot left in the world. Not a few economists would rationalize this outcome by declaring that ninety-nine years from now we will have colonies on the [[moon]] or [[Mars]] or under the {{w|Sea of Cortez}}. Or that technology coupled with human ingenuity will solve the problem some other way, […] by genetically reengineering human beings to be one inch tall or booting all our consciousnesses into computer servers where unlimited numbers of virtual people could dwell in unlimited virtual environments of endless cyberspace.
** Chapter 6, p. 192-193.

* It is assumed now that human beings, prompted by the market, will employ ingenuity to discover a substitute for oil and gas, once the price starts to ramp up beyond the “affordable” range. This assumption is apt to prove fallacious because […] the laws of thermodynamics state that energy can’t be created out of nothing, only changed from low entropy to high entropy, and that we have already changed the half [or perhaps a fraction] of our [planet's] oil endowment that was easiest to get into dispersed carbon dioxide, which is now ratcheting up global warming and climate change, which might well put the industrial adventure out of business before human ingenuity can come up with a substitute for oil.
** Chapter 6, p. 194.

* […] The […] oil-fueled boom that energized the suburban expansion of the 1920s brought turmoil and trouble to the farm economy. Thirty percent of the U.S. population still lived on farms in the 1920s. U.S. farmers had done well during World War I, exporting grain to a Europe that had become a shell-blasted battlefield. By the early 1920s, though, Europeans were able to feed themselves again. Meanwhile, the introduction of the tractor and the mechanization of farming in the United States led quickly to massive overproduction of grain. Unable any longer to pawn off the surplus on Europe, America suffered a crash in grain prices. '''The farm depression, which preceded the financial depression by half a decade, was a self-reinforcing feedback loop. As the market prices of corn and wheat plunged, farmers desperately tried to make up for low prices by producing more, which the domestic markets could not absorb, leading to even greater surpluses and more depressed prices.'''
** Chapter 6, p. 204.

* By the mid-1920s, the great wave of immigration suddenly ended. The [[w:Immigration Act of 1924|National Origins Act of 1924]] and other measures set new highly restrictive immigration quotas that cut new admissions to 2 percent of each nationality from the 1890 census. This choked off what had been a constant half-century-long demographic subsidy of ever more customers for U.S. manufacturers.
** Chapter 6, p. 205.

* Finance came to be viewed as a productive activity itself rather than a means to promote production. The public was no longer buying stock to invest in enterprises that would pay dividends over time, but merely because one could get rich from buying and selling stocks. As more people bought in, stock prices climbed still higher—a dangerous positive feedback loop.
** Chapter 6, p. 205-206.

* [...] The human race living off the &quot;drawdown&quot; of nonrenewable fossil fuel resources is the equivalent of the algae [...] enjoying a temporary rush of nutrients [...] [or a star burning more hydrogen than it could].
** Chapter 6, p. 208.

* The entropy produced in [[World War II]] was much more widespread and profound than that of World War I. In [[World War I]] the action had taken place […] entirely on rural terrain, classic battlefields. In World War II, much of the warfare was urban. The long-range bomber had reached a high stage of refinement in the twenty-plus years between world wars. None of the major capitals had been damaged in World War I. In World War II, hundreds of towns and cities were destroyed in Europe and Asia. Berlin was reduced to gravel; London was badly mutilated; and, of course, Hiroshima and Nagasaki became radioactive ashtrays. The casualties of World War I had been enormous, astonishing, [and] appalling beyond civilized peoples’ wildest dreams, but the victims had been overwhelmingly soldiers. The casualties in World War II were overwhelmingly civilians and in much greater aggregate numbers.
** Chapter 6, p. 212–213.

* '''[[American Dream|American life]], with its twin engines of suburbanization and factory production of consumer goods for the […] world, became so quickly and obviously successful''' that a new consensus formed supporting the value of the dollar and its paper accessories in capital markets, chiefly stocks, and bonds. This is not to say that the securities markets boomed in the 1950s and 1960s —it took until then just to recover the value levels of the pre-1929 crash —but stocks and bonds did regain respectability, [and] legitimacy. Those who had lived through the Great Depression, meaning virtually all the men who had served in the wartime army, had very modest expectations about the role of finance in the postwar economy. In the 1950s and 1960s, Americans bought stocks for the annual dividends they paid, not to flip them for a quick profit. In fact, share prices remained […] very flat during this period. The whole notion of investment was different than it would become later in the twentieth century. In the 1950s and 1960s, stock and bond values were linked much more directly with the successful production of real goods. General Motors derived its profits and paid its dividends on the basis of auto sales, not as today, primarily from leveraging interest rates and other abstract numbers' games removed from the actual making of products. In sum, the public attitude about the role of finance was extremely conservative. Finance was not an “industry” per se, but a set of institutions designed to keep the idea of money and its accessories credible, […] to allow real industries to function.
** Chapter 6, p. 215.

* Banking also regained respectability after the calamities of the 1930s. Federal deposit insurance, which had been instituted in the depths of the Great Depression, and only for deposits under $2,500, was raised to $10,000 in 1950, and the middle class was induced to feel confident about keeping its money in banks again. Interest rates remained modest, but so did inflation. The influx of savings made money available in capital markets to invest in new ventures. It was real money derived from work already done, pay already earned, true capital. Before the great orgy of mergers and consolidation that began in the 1970s, retail banking was […] local and community-centered. Bankers made loan decisions based on firsthand knowledge of projects going on in their communities—not, as today, based on bundling and selling clumps of mortgages for generic suburban developments they have never laid eyes on.
** Chapter 6, p. 216.

* The rebellion of the [[Hippie|hippie]]s […] based itself on the notion that abundance was a natural entitlement, and one could &quot;drop out&quot; of an insecure, deadly, and frightening industrial culture to live off the fat of the land. It was inescapably a jejune philosophy, fraught with contradictions. For the hippies, the natural order of things included items such as stereo record players, electric guitars, motor vehicles for adventuring around the country, cheap bulk whole grains, and other products of an oil-intensive industrial way of life. '''The hippie platform […] with all its mystical incunabula, rested on the platform of “normal” [[American Dream|American life]] and would have been impossible without it.'''
** Chapter 6, p. 217.

* At the start of the [[w:1980s oil glut|oil glut]], a climactic set of economic relations took shape led by Prime Minister [[Margaret Thatcher]] (and joined eagerly by President Reagan and his advisors) that would be called “globalism.” It was not so much a new idea as the logical and inevitable result of mature self-organizing systems elaborating themselves under the influence of renewed, immense energy inputs—the ultimate cheap-oil way of doing business in the [supposedly] closed system that is the planet [[Earth]]. It entailed the maximization of short-term profit and the minimization of care for future generations. It was the ultimate generator of entropy.
** Chapter 6, p. 219.

* In America, globalism meant the accelerated dismantling of the nation's manufacturing base and its reassignment to other countries where labor was dirt cheap and environmental regulations did not apply. It also meant the ramping up of a “service economy” or, more properly, the myth of a service economy to replace the old manufacturing economy. […] It was […] absurd. It was like the old joke about the village that prospered because the inhabitants were all employed taking in each other’s laundry. In fact, far fewer actual things of value were being created in the service economy. […] It was assumed, for instance, that computers […] boosted productivity. Much of that gain was either illusory or fraught with collateral social and economic losses of other kinds. Companies that reported higher productivity were shedding employees like mad and the entire ethos of work in America was being transformed from one of [the] people having secure careers and permanent positions with reliable companies to one of institutionalized insecurity for […] everyone below top management in a new general atmosphere of Darwinian corporate ruthlessness—under the rubric of &quot;free-market competition.&quot;
** Chapter 6, p. 220.

* What one also saw in the America of the 1980s and 1990s was commoditization and conversion of public goods into private luxuries, the impoverishment of the civic realm, and, to put it bluntly, the rape of the landscape —a vast entropic enterprise that was the culminating phase of suburbia. The dirty secret of the American economy in the 1990s was that it was no longer about anything except the creation of suburban sprawl and the furnishing, accessorizing, and financing of it. It resembled the efficiency of cancer. Nothing else really mattered except building suburban houses, trading away the mortgages, selling the multiple cars needed by the inhabitants, upgrading the roads into commercial strip highways with all the necessary shopping infrastructure, and moving vast supplies of merchandise made in China for next to nothing to fill up those houses. The economy of suburban sprawl was a systemic self-organizing response to the availability of inordinately cheap oil with ever-increasing entropy expressed in an ever-increasing variety of manifestations from the destruction of farmland to the decay of the cities, to widespread psychological depression, to the rash of school shooting sprees, to epidemic obesity. Americans didn’t question the validity of the suburban sprawl economy. They accepted it at face value as the obvious logical outcome of their hopes and dreams and defended it viciously against criticism. They steadfastly ignored its salient characteristic: that it had no future either as an economy or as a living arrangement. Each further elaboration of the suburban system made it less likely to survive any change in conditions, most particularly any change in the equations of cheap oil. It wasn't until the traumas of the 1970s that the finance sector mutated from being an adjunct of the industrial economy to becoming an “industry” in its own right helping to “drive” the economy. Among the distortions and perversions engendered by the “stagflation” economy was the rise of corporate cannibalism in the form of “creative” mergers and acquisitions, specifically hostile takeovers, the aggressive use of voting stock shares to gain control of companies that did not wish to sell, with the subsequent filleting and sell-off of assets, and discarding of the bones and offal (employee payrolls and obligations, careers, livelihoods, communities).
** Chapter 6, p. 222–223.

* In the face of the things like the {{w|Dot-com bubble|dot-com meltdown}}, the {{w|LTCM}} scare, the {{w|Enron scandal}}, and other disasters that eroded the notional value of financial paper, homeownership itself was now turned into a magical generator of unearned riches for both borrowers and lenders. It was consistent with the [[Las Vegas]]-ization of the national moral sense, chiefly the increasingly popular belief at every level of American life that it really was possible to get something for nothing. Anyone could see this in the easy public acceptance of gambling as okay and the proliferation of casinos everywhere in the land. Not even the evangelical Christians seemed to mind. There is no such thing as intrinsic value in a house. A huge percentage of the public has now put its net worth into something that […] isn't an investment. Apart from false econometrics of rising house valuations and the leverage that affords for raising cash within the context of the current lending rackets, a house is much more of a consumer product than an investment, especially the kind of houses built in recent decades in America, namely stapled-together boxes made of particle board and plastic cladding that require continual reinvestment in petty cash and labor for upkeep, and will probably not hold their value, even if well cared for, because of poor locational choices. A house on a one-acre lot in a subdivision in {{w|Loudoun County, Virginia}}, thirty-two miles from downtown [[Washington, D.C.|Washington]], […] a magnificent thing to behold today, with a soaring lawyer-foyer entrance, a restaurant-grade kitchen, and an inground pool out back. But if there is less gasoline to power up the fleet of cars necessary to service it, and no natural gas to heat the thousand-square-foot cathedral-ceilinged lawyer foyer, then chances are that the house is going to be a liability rather than an asset.
** Chapter 6, p. 229.

* The supernaturally low-interest rates provoked an orgy of buying and the orgy of buying bid up the prices of the houses, and as the prices of the houses levitated, the owners entered another new and strange zone of hallucinated wealth accumulation using the latest contrivance: the refinanced mortgage. Re-fi's allowed house owners to use their houses as though they were automatic teller machines. Say a person bought a house in 1999 for $250,000 and the house was appraised in 2003 at $400,000; that person could refinance with a substantial &quot;cash out&quot; privilege, converting the imagined increase of value into disposable income, which could then be used to buy motorboats, home theater plasma TV screens, or trips to Las Vegas. Refinancing prestidigitated an estimated $1.6 trillion for the American economy over a five-year period, and much of that &quot;money&quot; was deployed purchasing &quot;consumer&quot; goods—mostly made outside the United States. From 1999 to 2004 […] a third of all house owners indulged in cash-out re-fi mortgages. […] Behind every extravagant cash extraction lay the belief that at some future date the house would be worth a lot more than the re-fi price and could be readily flipped.
** Chapter 6, p. 231.

* After the mid-1990s, there was hardly a technical distinction to be made anymore between high-risk borrowers and everybody else in the casino atmosphere of [North] America[n] society. No one was at risk anymore because in the something-for-nothing economy it was impossible to be a loser. Or so went the herd thinking. […] It is […] likely that the housing bubble will have begun to come to grief.
** Chapter 6, p. 232.

* The failure of the [[w:Government-sponsored enterprise|GSE]]s would make the [[w:Savings and loan crisis|S&amp;L fiasco of the 1980s]] look like a bad night of poker. The failure of the GSEs would pose a far graver situation than the [[w:Long-Term Capital Management|LTCM]] flameout. It could easily bring on cascading failures that might jeopardize global finance. This time, the […] public would feel the pain.
** Chapter 6, p. 233.

* If the folks who lived along this highway put in gardens to make up for the escalating inadequacies of an industrial farming system starved for fossil fuel “inputs,” would they be able to feed themselves? Did any vernacular knowledge survive in a populace conditioned to think that food came from the supermarket? Did they know anything about cabbage loopers, powdery mildew, or anthracnose? Would they be able to prevent catastrophic crop loss? How would they defend their crops against deer, rabbits, [and] woodchucks? Would any of them know how to build a garden wall or even a fence? Where would they get fencing material? Would they have to sit out among the potato hills and the bean rows at night with loaded shotguns? And what would they do for light when they heard something munching out there? Would they know how to keep chicken, sheep, [and] cattle, including breeding and birthing them?
** Chapter 7, p. 237.

* Because […] systems are self-organizing in the face of circumstance, the big questions are '''how much disorder must we endure as things change, and how hard will we struggle to continue a particular way of life with no future?''' […] The U.S. economy of the decades to come will center on farming, not high-tech, […] “information,” or “services,” or space travel, […] tourism, or finance. All other activities will be secondary to food production, which will require much more human labor. 
** Chapter 7, p. 239.

* [...] [Everything] [...] tend[s] toward diminishing returns and unsustainability, [...] even in the short term.
** Chapter 7, p. 240.

* A hundred years ago, just before the introduction of the fossil fuel-based technologies, more than 30 percent of the American population was engaged in farming. Now the figure is 1.6 percent. The issue is not moral, academic, or aesthetic. […] It’s a matter of those ratios being made possible only because cheap oil and automation made up for so much human labor.
** Chapter 7, p. 241.

* The energy disruptions of the Long Emergency are going to remind us that the skyscraper was an experimental building form.
** Chapter 7, p. 253.

* The lucky suburbanites will be the ones with the forethought to trade in their suburban McHouses for property in the towns and small cities and prepare for a vocational life doing something useful and practical on the small scale. 
** Chapter 7, p. 256.

* Wal-Mart will not be able to profitably run its “warehouse on wheels” when the price of oil fluctuates chronically. […] We will never again experience the explosion of products, choices, and nonstop marketing that characterized the late twentieth century. The public may look back on the big-box shopping era with deep and mournful nostalgia, but we are apt to discover that happiness is still possible without the extraordinary advertising-driven compulsive materialism of recent decades. '''We will still have commerce. We will have [a] trade. There will be shopping. We will have […] medium of exchange. But we are not going to live in a perpetual blue-light special sale of cornucopian wretched excess.'''
** Chapter 7, p. 257.

* Even if we can’t get all the tools and the products we currently enjoy, we will retain a lot of basic knowledge that the people of Jefferson’s day just didn’t have. For instance, we will still understand that infections and many diseases are caused by microorganisms, not bad air, phases of the moon, or evil spells and that knowledge alone confers powerful advantages in daily living.
** Chapter 7, p. 258.

* '''Large-scale corporate enterprise has brought humankind much material comfort in two centuries but at the price of fantastic unintended consequences (externalized costs) ranging from the destruction of local communities to climate change. Large-scale corporations will be vulnerable to the collapse of capital formation markets that must accompany the end of the cheap oil fiesta. Corporate enterprise can certainly be reorganized on the small, local community scale, but it will not be the same as {{w|General Motors}}. Corporate enterprise in the Long Emergency may revert to being more public in nature and far less sovereign in power.''' There may be one exception: The most visible […] corporate organization that might survive the Long Emergency may be the church. Whether Catholic or Pentecostal or something new we haven't seen yet; the church won't have to rely on oil supplies. Organized religion doesn't have to traffic in awkward material products, only in beliefs, and it can operate at many scales simultaneously. Because American culture is constitutionally allergic to religious governance, we may have problems if churches are the only large organizations left standing—that is, assuming we still have the same constitution.
** Chapter 7, p. 259.

* We should […] conclude that the abandoned big-box structures will not last more than one generation under any circumstances. […] The same thing can be said about malls, strip malls, and chain restaurant buildings. Eventually, they will be the salvage yards and mines of the future.
** Chapter 7, p. 261.

* One final thing worth noting on the subject of rail: From 1890 to about 1920, American localities managed to construct hundreds of local and interurban streetcar lines that added up to a magnificent national system (independent of the national heavy rail system). Except for two twenty-mile gaps in New York state, one could ride the trolley lines from [[New England]] clear out to Wisconsin. The story of the conspiracy by General Motors and other companies to destroy the U.S. interurban system is well documented. The salient point, however, is how rapidly the system was created in the first place, and how marvelously well it served the public in the period before the automobile became established.
** Chapter 7, p. 268-269.

* It's hard to imagine a more purposeless activity than American-style high school in our time. […] The public questions its basic premises or mode of operation any more than the public questions the economy of suburban sprawl. But [the] high school in our time amounts to little more than daycare for virtual adults in which some learning might incidentally take place, much of it of dubious value.
** Chapter 7, p. 271.

* The Southwest also faces increasing friction with adjoining [[Mexico]]. This is not a racist provocation but a description of reality. '''No other first-world country has such an extensive land frontier with a third-world country. The income gap between the United States and Mexico is greater than that between any other two contiguous countries in the world.'''
** Chapter 7, p. 275.

* In any case, it is human nature to consider a place “home” if you were born there, or have family there, or have spent some portion of your life there, and people are naturally reluctant to leave home. I daresay that many Americans now living in the Southwest will not be disposed to understand what is really happening—that the carrying capacity of their home region has been suddenly and drastically reduced—and they will hunker down hoping for a return to better times.
** Chapter 7, p. 279.

* After air conditioning became widely affordable, southerners hardly went outside anymore, unless it was in a motor vehicle. Anything about southern vernacular architecture that once had been graceful in adapting to the climate was cast aside for the pleasures of air conditioning and cheapness of construction.
** Chapter 7, p. 283.

* The Long Emergency will cause unprecedented social and economic dislocation, and the outcome may be a world we would barely recognize. The [...] egalitarian society we knew in the [...] twentieth century may become drastically more hierarchical as large numbers of desperate people place themselves in the service of those who control land, especially following a period of anarchy. Under such harsh conditions, the weaker individuals will sell their allegiance in return for security.
** Chapter 7, p. 286–287.

* The gigantic smear of suburbia that runs […] without interruption from north of Boston through Connecticut, New York, New Jersey, Baltimore, Washington, and northern Virginia is not going to be a happy place.
** Chapter 7, p. 291.

* The circumstances of the Long Emergency will be the opposite of what we currently experience. '''There will be hunger instead of plenty, cold where there was once warmth, effort where there was once leisure, sickness where there was health, and violence where there was peace.''' We will have to adjust our attitudes, values, and ideas to accommodate these new circumstances and we may not recognize the people will soon become or the people we once were. In a world where sheer survival dominates all other concerns, a tragic view of life is apt to reassert itself. This is another way of saying that we will become keenly aware of the limitations of human nature [...]. Life will get much more real.
** Chapter 7, p. 303.

* I’m aware of having already lived more than a half-century through the greatest fiesta of luxury, comfort, and leisure that the world has ever known. I enjoyed central heating, air conditioning, cheap airfares, cable TV, advanced orthopedic surgery, and computers.
** Chapter 7, p. 304.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.kunstler.com/ James Howard Kunstler home page]
* [http://jameshowardkunstler.typepad.com/ Comment on current events by Jim Kunstler]
* [http://www.ted.com/talks/view/id/121 TED Talks: James Howard Kunstler dissects suburbia] at [[Wikipedia:TED (conference)|TED]] in 2004

{{DEFAULTSORT:Kunstler, James Howard}}
[[Category:Novelists from the United States]]
[[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]]
[[Category:Bloggers from the United States]]
[[Category:Social critics]]
[[Category:Critics from the United States]]
[[Category:Orators from the United States]]
[[Category:Activists from the United States]]
[[Category:American Jews]]
[[Category:People from New York City]]
[[Category:1948 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]

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'''[[W:James Howard Kunstler|James Howard Kunstler]]''' (born [[October 19]], [[1948]], New York City, New York) is an American author, social critic, public speaker, and blogger.

== Quotes ==
* As modern interpolators might say, the bubonic plague winnowed down Europe’s population to a scale more congenial with its resource base. After that big first wave of the disease, [the] land was cheaper and human labor better rewarded. Eventually, more food got around. Incidentally, '''the plague provoked nostalgia for the classical antiquity of [[Greece]] and [[Rome]], especially among the scholars of [[Florence]], launching the extravaganzas of the [[Renaissance]], the [[Age of Enlightenment|Enlightenment]], and eventually our own pageant of techno-supremacist [[Modernity]].'''
** &quot;Dance Macabre,&quot; May 18, 2020.
* […] Life is tragic and history won’t shed a tear for us if we make poor collective decisions, or adopt beliefs that are inconsistent with reality.
** &quot;The Old American Dream Is a Nightmare,&quot; March 9, 2011.

=== ''[[w:World Made by Hand|World Made by Hand]]'' (2008) ===
Kunstler, James Howard. ''World Made by Hand''. New York, NY: Grove Press, 2008. Print. {{ISBN|978-0-8021-4401-0}}.

* In the early twenty-first century [[farming]] had all but died out here. We got our food from the supermarket, and not everybody cared where the supermarket got it as long as it was there on the shelves. A few elderly dairymen hung on. Many let their fields and pastures go to scrub. Some sold out to what used to be called developers, and they'd put in five or ten poorly build houses. Now, in the new times, there were far fewer people, and many houses outside [the] town were being taken down for their materials. Farming was back. That was the only way we got food.
** Chapter 1, p. 5

* We lived more by the sun than by the clock, but I did own a clock. It was an eight-day windup console clock which I kept on the mantel in the living room, and it was the only timepiece in the house that worked anymore.
** Chapter 4, p. 20

* Living by the clock was an old habit that died hard. Not much that we did required punctuality, but people still wanted to know what time it was.
** Chapter 4, p. 20

* The racket was coming over what used to be our public radio station, WAMC out of [[Wikipedia:Albany, New York|Albany]], but the familiar [...] voices [...] were long gone. Some febrile evangelist was railing from the [[Book of Revelation]].
** Chapter 4, p. 20

* I switched on the television on the outside chance that something might come through. Nothing had been on for years. The local network affiliates withered away after the national network of cable channels went out until there was nothing. 
** Chapter 4, p. 20–21

* I searched the FM band but there was nothing besides other pious pleaders, and they didn't come in too well. The AM band offered about the same thing, only with worse reception, nothing remotely describable as news, and no music because commercial entertainment as we knew it was no more, and its handmaiden, advertising had gone with it.
** Chapter 4, p. 21

* I had one of those steel thermal mugs you carried everywhere with you as a kind of signifier of how busy, and therefore how important you were.
** Chapter 4, p. 22

* It was obvious there would be no return to [what we used to call] &quot;normality.&quot; The [resource-intensive] economy wouldn't be coming back. [[Wikipedia:Globalism|Globalism]] was over. The politicians and generals were failing to pull things together at the center. We would not be returning to Boston. The computer industry, in which so many hopes had been vested, was fading into history.
** Chapter 4, p. 24

* In a world that had become a salvage operation, the general supply evolved into Union Grove's leading industry. When every last useful thing in town had been stripped from the [[Wikipedia:Kmart|Kmart]] and the United Auto, the [[Wikipedia:CVS Pharmacy|CVS drugstore]], and other trading establishments of the bygone national chain-store economy, daily life became a perpetual flea market centered on the old town dump.
** Chapter 5, p. 28

* We regarded [[Wikipedia:Opium|opium]] as a godsend. It did not develop into an illicit trade, though. There was no legal prohibition, no police running around trying to suppress drugs, driving up the price artificially, and no marketing system. There were no distant markets to send it to because shipping anything was slow at best and often unreliable, and travel was something you just didn't do anymore. Anybody could grow their own [[Wikipedia:Papaver somniferum|poppies]] or buy raw opium paste from one of the growers. Farmers made more money growing raspberries or asparagus. They grew poppies as a public service. A few people took to smoking opium, but those with an extremely apathetic attitude toward survival tended not to last long in the new disposition of things.
** Chapter 5, p. 30

* Children [...] had sat in those very box buildings under buzzing fluorescent lights listening to their science teachers prattle about the wonders of space travel and gene splicing and how we were all going to live to be a hundred and twenty-five years old in &quot;smart&quot; computer-controlled houses where all we had to do was speak to bump up the heat or turn on giant home theater screens in a life of perpetual leisure and comfort. It made me sick to think about. Not because there's something necessarily wrong with leisure or comfort, but because that's where our aspirations ended. And in the face of what had actually happened to us, it seemed obscenely stupid.
** Chapter 6, p. 33–34

* Motion is a great tranquilizer.
** Chapter 6, p. 34

* Few dogs were around anymore. Some had been eaten during the hunger that followed the flu in the spring of that year. People didn't talk about it; it was so demoralizing.
** Chapter 7, p. 36

* Jesus [...] look how we live? I'm practically a serf.
** Chapter 7, p. 37

* You could argue people are generally better off now mentally than they were back then. We follow the natural cycles. We eat real food instead of processed crap full of chemicals. We're not jacked up on coffee and television and [...] advertising all the time. No more anxiety about credit card bills.
** Chapter 7, p. 37–38

* We all knew the apparatus of justice had dissolved.
** Chapter 12, p. 57

* As the world changed, we reverted to social divisions that we'd thought were obsolete. The egalitarian pretenses of the high-octane decades had dissolved, and nobody even debated it anymore, including the women of our town. A plain majority of the townspeople were laborers now, whatever in life they had been before. Nobody in town called them peasants, but in effect, that's what they'd become. That's just the way things were.
** Chapter 21, p. 101

* [[Wikipedia:Waterford (town), New York|Waterford]] began its existence as the gateway to the [[Wikipedia:Erie Canal|Erie Canal system]], the first stretch of which was built to bypass several waterfalls on the [[Wikipedia:Mohawk River|Mohawk River]].
** Chapter 28, p. 137

* I remembered Albany [...] as just another down-on-its-luck small American city that had sacrificed its vitality to a whirring ring of homogenous suburbs.
** Chapter 29, p. 140

* We're building our own New Jerusalem up the river. It's a world made by hand, now, one stone at a time, one board at a time, one hope at a time, one soul at a time.
** Chapter 29, p. 142

* Whatever the other failures of the U.S. government were, it had managed to print an excess of dollars which, combined with the collapse of trade and communication, had severely eroded the currency's value.
** Chapter 30, p. 146

* I lay awake [...] listening to the rain drip from the eaves and thinking of the big map that hung from the top of the chalkboard in my primary school in Wilton, Connecticut, so many years ago, back in the days of cars, television, and air-conditioning. The states on this map were muted tones of pink, green, and yellow. Over it hung the flag that we pledged allegiance to every single morning. &quot;One nation under God, indivisible...&quot;
** Chapter 31, p. 150

* I'd been carrying [my Ruger .41 Magnum] so many days that I had almost forgotten it was there. This was the kind of world we now lived in.
** Chapter 36, p. 171

* I argued that the human race should have known it was in trouble, [...] given how insane our way of life had become. Minor quit blowing into his harmonica long enough to say that [[Wikipedia:John D. Rockefeller|John D. Rockefeller]] and the [[Wikipedia:Bush family|Bush family]] had made a deal with the Devil going back all the way to the 1900s.
** Chapter 38, p. 181

* Could we even pretend the law still existed? Or was it something you made up now, as the occasion required?
** Chapter 38, p. 181

* The essence of politics was to not act on your impulses.
** Chapter 42, p. 199

* There's real strangeness in this world of ours. Back in the machine times, there was so much noise front and back, so to speak, it kept us from knowing what lies behind the surface of things. 
** Chapter 55, p. 262

* It was more possible that the human race possessed some spark of divinity that was worth cultivating than that a mysterious ''being'' was up there in the ether somewhere with anthropomorphic qualities of goodness and mercy running the whole show.
** Chapter 65, p. 315–316

* We were content to be undisturbed in our little backwater, Union Grove, [[Wikipedia:Washington County, New York|Washington County]], in a place once called the [[Wikipedia:New York State|Empire State]], where the [[Wikipedia:Battenkill|Battenkill]] runs into the [[Wikipedia:Hudson River|Hudson River]].
** Chapter 65, p. 317

=== ''[[w:The Long Emergency|The Long Emergency]]'' (2005) ===
Kunstler, James Howard. ''The Long Emergency''. New York, NY: Grove Press, 2005. Print. {{ISBN|978-0-8711-3888-0}}.

* It has been [...] hard [...] to make sense of the gathering forces that will fundamentally alter the terms of everyday life in [...] society. Even after the {{w|September 11 attacks|terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001}}, that collapsed the twin towers of the {{w|World Trade Center (1973–2001)|World Trade Center}} and sliced through [[the Pentagon]], [...] [we are] still sleepwalking into [an uncertain] [...] future. We have walked out of our burning house, and we are now headed off the edge of a cliff. Beyond that cliff is an abyss of economic and political disorder on a scale that no one has ever seen before. […]  It is my view, for instance, that in the decades to come the national government will prove to be so impotent and ineffective in managing the enormous vicissitudes we face that the [[United States]] may not survive as a nation in any meaningful sense but […] will devolve into a set of autonomous regions.
** Chapter 1, p. 1.

* It is no exaggeration to state that reliable supplies of cheap [and easy-to-find [[hydrocarbon]]s like] [[oil]] and [[w:natural gas|natural gas]] underlie everything we identify as a benefit of modern life. All the necessities, comforts, luxuries, and miracles of our time [...] owe their origins or continued existence in one way or another to cheap fossil fuel. Even our nuclear power plants [...] depend on cheap [...] [hydrocarbons] for all the procedures of construction, maintenance, and extracting and processing nuclear fuels. The blandishments of cheap oil and gas were so seductive, and induced such transports of mesmerizing contentment, that we ceased paying attention to the essential nature of these miraculous gifts from the [deep] earth: that they exist in finite, nonrenewable supplies, unevenly distributed around the world. To aggravate matters, the wonders of steady technological progress under the reign of oil have tricked us [...] to believe that anything we wish for hard enough can come true. These days, even people in our culture who ought to know better are wishing ardently that a smooth, seamless transition from fossil fuels to their putative replacements [...] lies just a few years ahead. [...] This is a dangerous fantasy. The true best-case scenario may be that some of these technologies will take decades to develop–meaning that we can expect an extremely turbulent interval between the end of cheap oil and whatever comes next. A more likely scenario is that new fuels and technologies may never replace fossil fuels at the scale, rate, and manner at which the [industrial] world currently consumes them.
** Chapter 1, p. 2–3.

* What is [...] not comprehended about this predicament is that the developed world will begin to suffer long before the oil and gas [...] run out. The [[American Dream|American way of life]] [...] can run only on reliable supplies of dependably cheap [hydrocarbons like] oil and gas. Even mild to moderate deviations in [...] supply will crush our economy and make […] daily life impossible. Fossil fuel reserves are not scattered equitably around the world. They tend to be concentrated in places where the native peoples don’t like the West in general [...], places physically very remote, places where we realistically can exercise little control [...]. [...] We can be certain that the price and supplies of fossil fuels will suffer oscillations and disruptions in the period ahead [...]. [...] The decline of fossil fuels is certain to ignite chronic strife between nations contesting the remaining supplies. These resource wars have already begun. There will be more of them. They are [...] likely to grind on and on [...]. They will only aggravate a situation that, in and of itself, could bring down civilizations. The extent of suffering [...] will certainly depend on how tenaciously we attempt to cling to obsolete habits, customs, and assumptions–for instance, how fiercely [...] [we] decide to fight to maintain suburban lifestyles that simply cannot be rationalized any longer.
** Chapter 1, p. 3.

* [[Thomas Robert Malthus|[Thomas] Malthus]] was certainly correct [that demand will outstrip supply], but [...] [hydrocarbons] [...] skewed the [supply-demand] equation over the past [two] hundred years while the human race has enjoyed an unprecedented orgy of [a fraction of] nonrenewable condensed solar energy accumulated over eons of prehistory. The “green revolution” in boosting crop yields was minimally about scientific innovation in crop genetics and mostly about dumping massive amounts of fertilizers and pesticides made [...] of [...] [petroleum] onto crops, as well as employing irrigation at a fantastic scale made possible by abundant oil and gas. The cheap oil age created an artificial bubble of plenitude for a period not much longer than a human lifetime, a hundred years. Within that […], the idea took hold that only grouches, spoilsports, and godless maniacs considered population hypergrowth a problem [with a direct solution], and that to even raise the issue was indecent. [...] As oil ceases to be cheap and the world reserves arc toward depletion, we will indeed suddenly be left with an enormous surplus population [...] that the ecology of the earth [sic] will not support. No political program of birth control will avail. The people are already here. The journey back to non-oil population homeostasis will not be pretty. '''We will discover the hard way that [[w:Baby boom|population hypergrowth]] was simply a side effect of the oil age.''' It was [more of] a condition [without a remedy], not a problem with a [direct] solution. That is what happened, and we are stuck with it.
** Chapter 1, p. 8.

* The high tide of the [...] [industrial] age also happened to be a moment in history when human ingenuity gained an upper hand against the age-old scourges of disease. We have enjoyed the great benefits of antibiotic medicine for [...] a half-century. Penicillin, sulfa drugs, and their descendants briefly gave [hu]mankind the notion that diseases caused by microorganisms could, and indeed would, be systematically vanquished. Or, at least, this was the popular view. Doctors and scientists knew better. [...] The recognition is now growing that the victory over microbes was short-lived. They are back in force, including [...] old enemies such as tuberculosis and staphylococcus in new drug-resistant strains. Other old diseases are on the march into new territories, as a response to climate change brought on by global warming [caused by the burning of fossil fuels]. In response to unprecedented habitat destruction by humans and the invasion of [what we call] wilderness, the earth [sic] itself seems to be sending forth new and much more lethal diseases, as though it had a [...] protective immune system with antibody-like agents aimed with remarkable precision at the source of the problem: ''Homo sapiens''.
** Chapter 1, p. 9–10.

* At the same time, the world is overdue for an extreme influenza epidemic. The last major outbreak was the [[w:Spanish flu|1918 Spanish influenza]], which killed fifty million [and possibly more, as we will not know the real numbers] people worldwide and changed the course of history. […] Disease will certainly play a larger role in the Long Emergency than many can now imagine. An epidemic could paralyze social and economic systems, interrupt global trade, and bring down governments. […] '''At the very least, the Long Emergency will be a time of diminished life spans for many of us, as well as reduced standards of living'''–at least as understood within the current social context. Fossil fuels had the effect of temporarily raising the carrying capacity of the earth. Our ability to resist the environmental corrective of disease will [...] prove to have been another temporary boon of the [...] [industrial] age [...]. So much of what we construe to be among our entitlements to perpetual progress may prove to have been a strange, marvelous, and anomalous moment in [...] history.
** Chapter 1, p. 11–12.

* The so-called global economy was not a permanent institution, [...] but a set of transient circumstances peculiar to a certain time: the […] fossil fuel era. […] Factories could be started up in [[Sri Lanka]] and [[Malaysia]], where swollen populations furnished trainable workers willing to labor for much less than those back in the United States or [[Europe]]. Products then moved around the globe in a highly rationalized system, not unlike the oil allocation system, using immense vessels, automated port facilities, and truck-scaled shipping containers at a minuscule cost-per-unit of whatever was made and transported. Shirts or coffeemakers manufactured 12,000 miles away could be shipped to Wal-Marts all over America and sold cheaply. […] Meanwhile, among economists and government figures, globalism developed [...] [as] an intellectual fad. Globalism allowed them to believe that burgeoning wealth in the developed countries, and the spread of industrial activity to formerly primitive regions, was based on the potency of their own ideas and policies rather than on cheap [and easy-to-find hydrocarbons like] oil. […] [An] overlooked [fact] is that [[Margaret Thatcher|[Margaret] Thatcher]]’s success in reviving England coincided with a fantastic new revenue stream from {{w|North Sea}} oil, as quaint old Britannia became energy self-sufficient and a net energy-exporting nation for the first time since the heyday of coal. Globalism then infected America when [[Ronald Reagan]] came on the scene in 1981. Reagan’s ‘supply-side” economic advisors retailed a set of fiscal ideas that neatly accessorized the new notions about free trade and deregulation, chiefly that massively reducing taxes would […] result in greater revenues as the greater aggregate of business activity generated a greater aggregate of taxes even at lower rates. (What it […] generated was huge government deficits.) […] The rise of computers, in turn, promoted the fantasy that commerce in sheer information would be the long-sought replacement for all the played-out activities of the smokestack economy. A country like America, it was now thought, no longer needed steelmaking or tire factories or other harsh, dirty, troublesome enterprises. Let the poor masses of [[Asia]] and {{w|South America}} have them and lift themselves up from agricultural peonage. America would outsource all this old economy stuff and use computers to orchestrate the movement of parts and the assembly of products from distant quarters of the world, and then sell the stuff in our own {{w|K-mart}}s and {{w|Wal-Mart}}s, which would become global juggernauts of retailing. […] It was also like a convoluted liquidation sale of the accrued wealth of two hundred years of industrial society for the benefit of a handful of financial buccaneers, with the great masses relegated to a race to the bottom as the economic assets are dismantled and sold off, and their livelihoods are closed […]. That this development was uniformly greeted as a public good by the vast majority of Americans, at the same time that their local economies were being destroyed—and with them, myriad social and civic benefits—is one of the greater enigmas of recent social history. In effect, Americans threw away their communities […] to save a few dollars on hair dryers and plastic food storage tubs, never stopping to reflect on what they were destroying.
** Chapter 1, p. 12-16.

* [Globalism's] demise will coincide with the end of the cheap-oil age. For better or worse, many of the circumstances we associate with globalism will be reversed. Markets will close as political turbulence and military mischief interrupt trade relations. As markets close, societies will turn increasingly to import replacement[s] for sheer economic survival. The cost of transport will no longer be negligible in a post-cheap-oil age. Many of our agricultural products will have to be produced closer to home, and [...] by more intensive [...] labor as oil and natural gas supplies become increasingly unstable. The world will stop shrinking and become larger again. Virtually all [...] the [...] relationships [...] that we have taken for granted as permanent will be radically changed [...]. Life will become intensely and increasingly local.
** Chapter 1, p. 17.

* In any case, the tragic truth is that much of suburbia is unreformable. It does not lend itself to being retrofitted into the [...] mixed-use, smaller scaled, more fine-grained walkable environments we will need to carry on daily life in the coming age of [...] reduced motoring. [...] Instead, this suburban real estate [...] will enter a phase of rapid and cruel devaluation. Many of the suburban subdivisions will become the slums of the future. […] The seasons […] will continue with the great cycles of contraction and expansion, and at some point, in the future, who knows how many years distant, some of these cities in a land once called [the [[United States|United States of North] America]] may be robust and cosmopolitan in ways that we can’t imagine now, any more than a Roman of A.D. 38 might have been able to imagine the future London of the Beatles.
** Chapter 1, p. 17–18.

* […] We have lived through as a narrative episode in a greater saga of human history. The industrial story has a beginning, a middle, and an end. [[w:First Industrial Revolution|It begins in the mid-eighteenth century with coal and the first steam engines]], [[w:Second Industrial Revolution|proceeds to a robust second act]] climaxing in the years before [[World War I]], and moves toward a third act resolution now that we can anticipate with some precision the depletion of the resources that made the industrial episode possible. As the industrial story ends, the greater saga of [hu]mankind will move on into a new episode, the Long Emergency. This is […] a self-evident point, but throughout history, even the most important and self-evident trends are often completely ignored because the changes they foreshadow are simply unthinkable. That process is sometimes referred to as an “outside context problem,” something so far beyond the ordinary experience of those dwelling in a certain time and place that they cannot make sense of available information. The collective mental static preventing comprehension is also sometimes referred to as “cognitive dissonance,” a term borrowed from developmental psychology. It helps explain why the […] public has been sleepwalking into the future. The Long Emergency is going to be a tremendous trauma for […] human[s] […]. It is likely to entail political [and social] turbulence every bit as extreme as the economic conditions that prompt it.
** Chapter 1, p. 20.

* Whole ideologies had to be constructed to account for being modern and to explain it.
** Chapter 2, p. 22.

* Now, exactly a hundred years after the first powered flight at {{w|Kitty Hawk, North Carolina}}, I can get on a jet airplane twice the size of a house several times a month and fly halfway across North America in the time it takes to finish a newspaper—and I end up feeling cranky and resentful about the service, to boot! They ran out of pretzels! The air conditioning was set too low! […] Everything characteristic about the condition we call modern life has been a direct result of our access to abundant supplies of cheap [[Fossil fuel|fossil fuels]]. Fossil fuels have permitted us to fly, to go where we want to go rapidly, and move things easily from place to place. Fossil fuels rescued us from the despotic darkness of the night. They have made the pharaonic scale of building commonplace everywhere. They have allowed a fractionally tiny percentage of our swollen populations to produce massive amounts of food. They have allowed us to develop industries of surpassing ingenuity and to push the limits of what it even means to be human [...]. [But] The age of fossil fuels is about to end. There is no replacement for them at hand. 
** Chapter 2, p. 23.

* Because the oil peak phenomenon […] cancels out further industrial growth of the kind we are used to, its implications lie radically outside […] economic paradigm. So, the oil peak phenomenon has been discounted to about zero among conventional economists, who assume that “market signals” about oil supplies will inevitably trigger innovation, which, in turn, will cause [something] new […] to materialize and enable further growth. If the market signals are not triggering innovation, then the problem must be overstated and growth under the oil regime will resume—after, say, a normal periodic downcycle. This is obvious casuistry, but casuistry can be a great comfort when a problem has no real solution. […] Our investment in an oil-addicted way of life […] is now so inordinately large that it is too late to salvage all the national wealth wasted on building it, or to continue that way of life more than a decade or so into the future. What’s more, as we have outsourced manufacturing to other countries, the entire U.S. economy has become more […] dependent on continued misinvestment in […] suburbia and its accessories. No politician wants to tell voters that the [[American Dream]] has been canceled for a lack of […] resources. The U.S. economy would disintegrate. So, whichever party is in power has tended to ignore the issue, change the subject, or spin it into the realm of delusion.
** Chapter 2, p. 28.

* Oil is an amazing substance. It stores a tremendous amount of energy per weight and volume. It is easy to transport. It stores easily at regular air temperature in unpressurized metal tanks, and it can sit there indefinitely without degrading. You can pump it through a pipe, you can send it all over the world in ships, you can haul it around in trains, cars, and trucks, you can even fly it in tanker planes and refuel other airplanes in flight. It is flammable but has proven to be safe to handle with a modest amount of care by people with double-digit IQs. […] We used [oil] [...] as if there was no tomorrow. Now there may not be one. That's how special oil has been. 
** Chapter 2, p. 31.

* […] Suburbia turned out to be a disappointing cartoon of country living rather than the real thing [that] was a tragic unanticipated consequence […].
** Chapter 2, p. 40.

* […] The base price of a barrel of oil did eventually more than quadruple by the time the embargo was called off in March 1974. And the price rise alone staggered the West and Japan. Already at that time, public transit was a thing of the past and about 85 percent of Americans drove to work every day.
** Chapter 2, p. 46.

* Oil is the world's most critical resource. Without it, nothing works in industrial civilization as currently configured. Few people dispute the idea that the world will eventually run out of oil, and there is a broad recognition that it will happen [...].
** Chapter 3, p. 64.

* The total planetary endowment of conventional nonrenewable liquid oil was [...] two trillion barrels before humans started using it [and possibly more, as most of it was used to protect the Earth's crust]. Since the mid-nineteenth century, the world has burned through [...] one trillion barrels of oil, [...] representing the easiest-to-get, highest-quality liquids. [...] Oil has enabled the [[w:Baby boom|[post-War] population explosion]].
** Chapter 3, p. 66.

* The denial about [the] global peak in the United States is already fierce, as investments in car-dependent, oil-addicted infrastructure are greater here than in any other nation and Americans consider their way of life a God-given entitlement. […] The economic [...] [struggle] among [...] all nations, [...] will be considerable and is certain to lead to increasingly desperate competition for diminishing supplies of oil [and every other resource]. 
** Chapter 3, p. 68.

* […] With China becoming a presence by necessity in the region, we would be back in a cold war again, or something worse, contesting with a rival world hegemon, this time over […] resources, not [just] ideology.
** Chapter 3, p. 84.

* Eventually, […] [we] will have to contend with the problems of the Long Emergency: the end of industrial growth, falling standards of living, economic desperation, declining food production, and domestic political strife. A point will be reached when the great powers of the world no longer have the means to project their power any distance. Even nuclear weapons may become inoperable, considering how much their careful maintenance depends on other technological systems linked to our fossil fuel economy.
** Chapter 3, p. 98.

* To some degree, all […] the non-fossil fuel energy sources […] depend on an underlying fossil fuel economy. You can’t manufacture metal wind turbines using wind energy technology. You can’t make lead-acid storage batteries for solar electric systems using any known solar energy systems.
** Chapter 3, p. 100.

* This age-old tendency of humans to believe in magical deliverance and to wish for happy outcomes has been aggravated by the very technological triumphs that the oil age brought into existence. Technology itself has become a […] supernatural force, one that has demonstrably delivered all kinds of miracles within the memory of many people now living […].
** Chapter 3, p. 101.

* Natural gas […] is not as versatile as gasoline, but it does a lot of tasks beautifully. Gas is the feedstock—the raw material—for a wide array of chemicals, pharmaceuticals, and plastics. Ninety-five percent of the nitrogenous fertilizers used in America are made […] of natural gas, and so it has become indispensable to U.S. agriculture.
** Chapter 3, p. 103.

* Both the mining and the washing [of hydrocarbons] require huge amounts of energy, and it has been proposed that any commercial exploitation of the [[w:Athabasca oil sands|Alberta tar sands]] would take 20 percent of [[Canada]]’s total natural gas production. In the long run, it might not be worth expending the energy from gas to get the energy from the tar sands. If oil from the tar sands themselves were used to process more tar sands, the return would be three barrels of oil for every two consumed. […] In the early days of conventional oil in [[Texas]], the {{w|ERoEI}} formula was very favorable, around twenty to one. The oil was found close to the surface on dry land in temperate places easy to work in, and it gushed out of the ground under its own pressure. […] Going a bit further, the fundamental equations that support all gigantic […] organisms, […] may no longer obtain, and human life would have to reorganize its activities on a different basis. Also, '''once these complex systems and their subsystems halt their operations, restarting them may range from difficult to impossible''' […].
** Chapter 3, p. 108.

* [[w:Ancient Roman architecture|Roman architecture]] would have been impossible without the complex socioeconomic platform of [the] empire. The medieval social platform for northern European life was less elaborate and […] less complex. Compare these two historical cases with the complexity of social and economic organization that allows oil to be extracted from the ground, refined to gasoline, transported six thousand miles, and used in a highly engineered, fine-tuned machine called a car, [to be] driven on a six-lane freeway. '''If the social and economic platform fails, how long before the knowledge base dissolves?''' Two hundred years from now, will anyone know how to build or even repair a 1962 Chrysler slant-six engine? Not to mention a Nordex 1500 kW wind turbine? […] The existing knowledge in basic physics and chemistry is so widespread that it is likely to persist quite a while into the future and provide a foundation for doing more with less than, say, the people of the eighteenth century were able to do with their more limited knowledge.
** Chapter 4, p. 130.

* We surely will have to reform our land-use habits and the oil-based transportation system that has allowed us to run our car-crazy suburban environments. We'll have to drastically change the way we grow our food and where we grow it. [The] social organization may be quite different in the decades ahead. Features of contemporary life that we have taken for granted [...] may fade into history. Politics that evolved to suit the [...] [industrial age] may morph beyond recognition [...].
** Chapter 4, p. 141.

* '''Our brains are […] not equipped to process events on the geologic scale'''—at least in reference to how we choose to live, or what we choose to do in the here-and-now.
** Chapter 5, p. 148.

* [Global warming] [...] happens to coincide with our imminent descent down the slippery slope of [...] [hydrocarbon] depletion, so that '''all the potential discontinuities of that epochal circumstance will be amplified, ramified, reinforced, and torqued by climate change.''' If global warming is a result of human activity, fossil fuel-based industrialism, [...] then it seems [...] the prospects are poor that […] human[s] […] will be able to do anything about it, because the journey down the oil depletion arc will be much more disorderly than the journey up was. '''The disruptions and hardships of decelerating industrialism will destabilize governments and societies to the degree that concerted international action [...] will never be carried out. In the chaotic world of diminishing and contested [...] resources, there will simply be a mad scramble to use up whatever [...] people can manage to lay their hands on.''' The very idea that we possess any control over the process seems to be further evidence of the delusion gripping our [...] culture [...].
** Chapter 5, p. 148–149.

* [...] Abrupt climate change may be normal in the planet's history, or, to state it differently, that the earth's [sic] climate is inherently very unstable.
** Chapter 5, p. 149. 

* Without the [[w:Gulf Stream|Gulf Stream]], [[United  Kingdom|Britain]], [[France]], the [[w:Low Countries|Low Countries]], and [[Scandinavia]] would have a climate like [[w:Labrador|Labrador]]’s, colder by twenty degrees Fahrenheit in annual mean. The Gulf Stream has been likened to an oceanic conveyor belt. The force of the warm water flowing north has been described as equal to the volume of seventy-five [[w:Amazon River|Amazon river]]s.
** Chapter 5, p. 153.

* According to the {{w|IPCC}}, sea levels rose by ten to twenty centimeters during the twentieth century and are currently rising by about two millimeters a year, which is at the upper range of the rate of rise for the last century. With global warming accelerating, this is apt to increase. The accepted prediction is that sea levels will rise during the twenty-first century by about fifty centimeters, or a little under two feet, though some scientists predict a full meter. […] One-sixth of the people in the world live in coastal zones within one meter of sea level. This is the […] outside context problem so alien to contemporary experience that the public and its leaders can really find no way to process the information and figure out what to do about it—and for the excellent reason that it is not a problem with a direct solution. It is more a condition without a remedy. If the major shipping ports […] end up being submerged, humankind will just have to work around it. The disruptions to world trade might be epochal, gigantic, […] [and] tragic. It seems obvious that […] human[s] […] will simply have to adjust, even if that means adjusting to a new reality of severely lower expectations in living standards, comfort, and amenity. […] When the time comes, […] [we] will just have to move to higher ground. 
** Chapter 5, p. 162.

* Harvard biologist [[w:E. O. Wilson|Edward O. Wilson]] warns that [[China]]'s current program to mitigate huge population increases with gigantic water projects may have dire consequences. Irrigation and other withdrawals have already depleted the {{w|Yellow River}}, which, starting in 1972, has run bone-dry part of the year in {{w|Shandong}} province, where one-fifth of China's wheat and one-seventh of its corn is produced. In 1997, the river stopped flowing for a record 226 days. The groundwater levels of the northern China plains have plummeted. The water table in major grain-producing areas is falling at the rate of five feet a year. Of China's 617 cities, three hundred already face water shortages. Of China's approximately 23,000 miles of major rivers, 80 percent no longer support fish life. The [[w:Xiaolangdi Dam|Xiaolangdi dam project]] now underway along the Yellow River in north China is exceeded in size only by the {{w|Three Gorges Dam}} on the {{w|Yangtze}} in South China. In addition, the Chinese government intends to siphon water from the Yangtze […] and send it over by a canal system to the Yellow River and Beijing, respectively. When it is running, the Yellow River is already one of the most particle-laden in the world. Because of that, it is estimated that the Xiaolangdi dam would silt up within thirty years of completion. The […] project is reminiscent of another centrally planned mega-project that ended in grief: the [[Soviet Union]]'s scheme to drain the {{w|Aral Sea}} to irrigate gigantic cotton farms in [[Kazakhstan]]. The project turned one of the world's largest inland bodies of fresh water into [a] salty desert. The potential for calamity in China is therefore huge as it skirts a range of forces presented by the Long Emergency, any one of which, or some combination, could send it reeling over its tipping point: the effects of global climate change, competition for [every resource including] oil, extremes of pollution, disease, and war, either with its neighbors or internally. Despite the current veneer of prosperity and stability, China has tremendous potential for political chaos. As Wilson fearlessly points out, the pressure on China's agriculture and water resources is intensified by the predicament shared by many countries: runaway population growth [caused by industrialization]. '''Population growth rates may be mitigated […] from culture to culture by economic advance (which tends to lower reproductive rates by channeling women into the workplace), but economic development produces other [[w:Jevons paradox|not-so-benign consequences]].''' Developing [systems like] nation[-state]s invariably increase their energy use [as they grow complex]. More cars are used, more electricity [is] generated, [and] more greenhouse emissions [are] sent into the atmosphere. In the Long Emergency, […] “there will only be two types of nations: the over-developed and those which will never develop.” China may represent an amalgamation of those two conditions in one nation-state.
** Chapter 5, p. 163–164.

* Like China, the United States is divided […] in half between wet and dry. Though the human population of the United States is proportionately much smaller than China's, the amount of effort America has expended on manipulating habitats and altering terrain is as impressive in its own way as China's birthrate. Especially significant is the stupendous amount of paving laid down in the United States during the past hundred years. It prevents rain from being absorbed as groundwater and sends it instead into rivers, and […] into the ocean. The effect of this is the inability of water tables and wetlands to recharge and the diminishing ability of the terrain to support life. In the United States, only 2 percent of the country's rivers and wetlands remain free-flowing and undeveloped. As a result, the country has lost more than half of its wetlands.
** Chapter 5, p. 165.

* '''Climate change, competition for water, and polluted water sources will also be exacerbated by failures in the electric grid caused by oil and gas supply disruptions.''' Even if water is available, localities may lack the power to push it through their treatment plants and municipal pipes.
** Chapter 5, p. 166. 

* Fifty years of easy living with the miracle of antibiotics was a major contributor to the hubris that gripped the industrial nations in the early twenty-first century. Smallpox was eliminated except in strategic laboratory samples. Measles was conquered. Sexually transmitted diseases that used to leave people maimed and crazy were cured with one visit to the doctor. Many tropical diseases seemed to be on the wane as immunology and pharmacology bolstered widespread progress in sanitation and nutrition. The vanquishing of disease represented a [...] meta-victory by [hu]mankind over a much greater set of enemies than the parochial combatants of our geopolitical wars. Indeed, these great advances of medical science against disease took place against the backdrop of war. The United States emerged victorious from [[w:World War II|the last [...] world war]], having defeated manifest political evil, armed with penicillin and sulfa drugs. The postwar antibiotic miracle contributed to a false sense of security in the public and a sense of [...] omnipotence [...].
** Chapter 5, p. 167.

* '''As the struggle over the remaining oil and gas intensifies, larger numbers of economic losers will be created''', and those economic losers will be underfed, ill-housed, poorly doctored, badly informed, badly behaved, and subject to plummeting life expectancies.
** Chapter 5, p. 170.

* Despite miraculous advances in medical technology, genetic typing, and immunology, [...] [we] are not much better prepared for a severe flu epidemic than they were for [[w:Spanish flu|the 1918 outbreak]]. Epidemic influenza is extremely difficult to counteract. Flu vaccines developed in any given year are notoriously ineffective against new strains that come along the following year. It takes seven months or more to create, test, manufacture, and distribute a vaccine developed in direct response to a new virus, and by that time the disease can burn through global populations. '''If a pandemic broke out today, hospital facilities would be overwhelmed. Nurses and doctors would be infected along with the rest of the population.'''
** Chapter 5, p. 173.

* {{w|Operation Dark Winter}} employed a cast of volunteers […] to act out roles following a script in which a terrorist released smallpox in one eastern U.S. city. The result was sobering to an extreme. The public health system virtually collapsed. Hospitals degenerated into chaos. Smallpox spread to twenty-five states and overseas. The national stockpile of vaccines proved to be deeply inadequate. The exercise was called off after four days from the sheer exhaustion of the participants, while the fictional epidemic was still spreading. 
** Chapter 5, p. 176.

* The [[w:Germ theory of disease|germ theory]], which emerged in the late nineteenth century, focused the world's attention on the specific agents responsible for [...] diseases, but the [physical,] social and ecological contexts are equally important, and these are now coming more prominently into play with world population well beyond the limits of the earth's [sic] [...] [optimum] carrying capacity and with climate change [...] in progress. [...] Ecological [...] [pressures], rapid changes in land use, penetration of formerly inaccessible habitats, and disturbed migration routes can lead to the appearance or diffusion of a disease. While we may be able to identify [some, if not all] the microorganisms involved, we can be helpless in the face of it, and our behavior may still promote its spread.
** Chapter 5, p. 177.

* [...] The disturbance of global oil markets as the permanent energy crisis begins is liable to interrupt global commerce and global travel. Fewer […] will fly [...]. However, these same energy problems will surely reduce crop production, which would lead to reduced food aid to desperate populations [...], which would then lead to compromised immune systems and the [...] [invasion] of poor, hungry, and [...] unhealthy people [...]. This is an obvious recipe for conflict and woe. Where the refugee camps [are] set up, [the] disease will surely follow.
** Chapter 5, p. 178.

* '''The attrition of global populations by disease[s] may be unavoidable.''' Some [...] may regard it as the inevitable revenge of nature against the hubris of a human species arrogantly exceeding the carrying capacity of its habitat. Some may regard it as a moral victory against wickedness. Some may view it in the therapeutic mode as a positive development for the health of the planet. Many self-conscious &quot;humanists&quot; have militated for the goal of reducing population growth —though most of them would have [...] preferred widespread birth control [using contraceptive methods like the birth pill and condoms, ironically made from cheap oil] to a die-off. [Contraceptive methods] might have been just another product of the narcotic comfort of cheap oil [...]. Apart from these issues of attitude and ethics, however, a major decline in [...] population [...] is apt to have profound and strange repercussions on everyday life. 
** Chapter 5, p. 178.

* [...] We [...] flatter ourselves to think that we are above this kind of general catastrophe—because our [...] prowess during the [...] [industrial age] was so marvelous that all future problems are (supposedly) guaranteed to be solved by similar applications of ingenuity. This was certainly the consensus among the scientists, computer geniuses, and biotech millionaires [...]. They were uniformly uninterested in the issues of the global oil peak and natural gas depletion and utterly convinced that the industrial societies would be rescued by hydrogen, wind power, and solar electricity, all to be figured out by their cohort techno-geniuses in [...] time. If there is anything we have been stupendously bad at in the preceding century of wonders, it is recognizing the diminishing returns of our [...] [technological] prowess. Some of our greatest achievements, [...] have produced dreadful diminishing returns [...]. This persistent failure or weakness [...] negates the value of our ability to see what's coming. [...] Rather than [...] progress, we are more likely to see [...] the loss of information, ability, and confidence. 
** Chapter 5, p. 181.

* Many individual immune systems will be compromised by the hardships of the Long Emergency and disease will seize the opportunities presented, as it always has. [...] Millions [and perhaps billions] of human beings are going to die.
** Chapter 5, p. 182.

* As hunger and hardship increase, the world may see more than one wave of more than one disease. If [...] an influenza pandemic emerges, for instance, many [...] will succumb [...]. [...] The age-old human enemies [...] will be on hand with new immunity to the old techno-tricks of the [nineteenth and] twentieth [...] [centuries]. [...] Nobody really knows where that is taking us, though we do know that [...] [our ancestors] endured more than one ice age in the past.
** Chapter 5, p. 182–183.

* The current urban population of the world […] is greater than the entire population of the world in 1960. Seventy-eight percent of the urban dwellers in the so-called developing world live in slums. From the West African littoral to the mountainsides of the {{w|Andes}} to the banks of the {{w|Nile}}, the {{w|Ganges}}, the {{w|Mekong}}, and the {{w|Irrawaddy}}, new gigantic slums spread like immense laboratory growth media, waiting to host epidemic disease cultures. {{w|Lagos}}, [[Nigeria]], for example, grew from a city of 300,000 in 1950 to over ten million today. But Lagos, writes [[w:Mike Davis (scholar)|Mike Davis]], &quot;is simply the biggest node in the shanty-town corridor of 70 million people that stretches from {{w|Abidjan}} to {{w|Ibadan}}: probably the biggest continuous footprint of urban poverty on earth.&quot; Most of the world's new, exploding slums have only the most rudimentary sanitary arrangements, open sewers running along the corridor-like &quot;streets.&quot; In the slums of Bombay, there is an estimated one toilet per five hundred inhabitants. Currently, two million children die every year from waste-contaminated water in the world's slums. The enormity of this urban disaster is poorly comprehended in advanced nations like the United States, where the drinking water is still safe and even the poor have flush toilets connected to real sewers. But '''the slums of the world will […] be the breeding ground of the next pandemic''', and chances are, once it is underway, the wealthy nations will not be spared. 
** Chapter 5, p. 183.

* The entropic mess that our economy has become is the final blowoff of […] industrialism. The destructive practices known as &quot;free-market globalism&quot; were engendered by our run-up to and arrival at the world oil production peak. It was the logical climax of the oil &quot;story.&quot; It required the breakdown of all previous constraints […] to maximize the present at the expense of the future and to do so for the benefit of a very few at the expense of the many. […] Free-market globalism became the reigning orthodoxy […], challenged only by cranks wearing nose-rings at the very margins of society. '''The moment that the world recognizes the passing of the oil production peak as a reality, globalism will be dead both in theory and practice.'''
** Chapter 6, p. 185.

* Globalism was operated by oligarchical corporations on the gigantic scale, made possible by cheap oil. By “oligarchical” I mean that power was vested in small numbers of people running large organizations who were not accountable for their actions to many of the people who were subject to those actions. By “corporation,” I mean a group enterprise given the legal status of a “person,” with “rights,” but in fact devoid of any human qualities of ethics, humility, mercy, duty, or loyalty that would constrain those rights. As Wendell Berry put it, “a corporation […] is a pile of money to which a number of persons have sold their moral allegiance… It can experience no personal hope or remorse. No change of heart. It cannot humble itself. It goes about its business as if it were immortal, with the single purpose of becoming a bigger pile of money.
** Chapter 6, p. 186.

* The free-market part of the equation referred to the putative benefit of unrestrained economic competition between individuals, and because corporations enjoyed the legal status of persons, they were assumed to be on an equal footing with other persons in a given locality. Thus, Wal-Mart was considered the theoretical equal of Bob the appliance store owner, and if Bob happened to lose in the retail competition because he couldn't order 50,000 coffeemakers at a crack from a factory 12,000 miles away in {{w|Hangzhou}}, and receive a deep discount for being such an important customer, well, it wasn't as though he hadn't been given the chance.
** Chapter 6, p. 187.

* Cheap oil had allowed populations to explode in precisely those parts of the world that had had, for millennia, a high infant mortality rate and modest life expectancy. Cheap oil was behind the &quot;green revolution&quot; that increased the food supply in the nonindustrial world. Oil was also behind many of the medicines and preventives that had neutralized […] diseases. Now, suddenly, most of those children […] survived, grew up and produced more children who survived and grew up, and over the course of the twentieth century, the global populations hurtled into extreme numerical overshoot. Populations were, in effect, eating oil, notably in food exports from the United States, where agribusiness had completely taken over from agriculture. Local farmers in Africa, Asia, or South America couldn’t compete with corporate [[w:ADM (company)|Archer Daniels Midland]]’s oil-and-gas-based grain crops and U.S. government subsidies. There was no point in even bringing their hardscrabble crops to market when sacks of cheap American wheat sat on the docks of [[w:Busan|Pusan]] or [[Colombo]]. Farmers in those places felt that they had no choice but to migrate to the city and find some other way to get by. The only comparative advantage that these people possessed was their willingness to work for next to nothing. '''Cheap oil and free-market globalism turned comparative advantage into a new kind of feudalism, with the corporations as the lords and the overabundant locals as the serfs.''' And then, when the comparative advantage of cheap labor […] of one place, […] was superseded by the cheaper labor […] of another place, […] the corporations just moved their operations.
** Chapter 6, p. 187–188.

* The idea of comparative advantage works when there is a complex local economy intact in the background of each trading partner’s specialized item of production, with a variety of social roles and occupational niches to support the long-term project of community. But a locality geared to doing only one thing for export is […] a slave system based on the extractive economics of mining. […] One group had all the cheap labor, and another group had all the capital, and for a while, one group made all the things that the other group “consumed.” Thus, comparative advantage became, for a time, a con game strictly for the benefit of large corporations, which ended up enjoying all the advantages while the localities sucked up the costs.
** Chapter 6, p. 188.

* The corporations benefiting from this regime often had no physical home of their own, even in their country of origin—and not a few American corporations had moved their official address to [[w:Tax haven|Caribbean pseudo nations]], where the banking and tax laws were more agreeable. The corporations had no allegiance to any […] place or the people of that place, so the destruction they wreaked was as manifest in the ravaged towns of [[Ohio]] and upstate [[New York City|New York]] as in the environmental degradation of [[China]]. America was hardly immune to the consequences of free-market globalism. In effect, the American heartland was overtaken by a new […] corporate colonialism, emanating from our own culture, but no less destructive than the imposition of foreign rule.
** Chapter 6, p. 188–189.

* Did Americans sell out their towns, their neighbors, the memory of their ancestors, and the future of their grandchildren because they were helplessly in thrall to the blandishments of a cheap-oil economy? I honestly don’t know, though I tend to view the outcome as the result of many collective bad choices made by the public and its leaders. But were those choices inescapable? Certainly, the process was insidious and played out over several generations. 
** Chapter 6, p. 189-190.

* There have to be limits. If we project “housing starts” ninety-nine years forward at current rates, there wouldn’t be a single build-able quarter-acre lot left in the world. Not a few economists would rationalize this outcome by declaring that ninety-nine years from now we will have colonies on the [[moon]] or [[Mars]] or under the {{w|Sea of Cortez}}. Or that technology coupled with human ingenuity will solve the problem some other way, […] by genetically reengineering human beings to be one inch tall or booting all our consciousnesses into computer servers where unlimited numbers of virtual people could dwell in unlimited virtual environments of endless cyberspace.
** Chapter 6, p. 192-193.

* It is assumed now that human beings, prompted by the market, will employ ingenuity to discover a substitute for oil and gas, once the price starts to ramp up beyond the “affordable” range. This assumption is apt to prove fallacious because […] the laws of thermodynamics state that energy can’t be created out of nothing, only changed from low entropy to high entropy, and that we have already changed the half [or perhaps a fraction] of our [planet's] oil endowment that was easiest to get into dispersed carbon dioxide, which is now ratcheting up global warming and climate change, which might well put the industrial adventure out of business before human ingenuity can come up with a substitute for oil.
** Chapter 6, p. 194.

* […] The […] oil-fueled boom that energized the suburban expansion of the 1920s brought turmoil and trouble to the farm economy. Thirty percent of the U.S. population still lived on farms in the 1920s. U.S. farmers had done well during World War I, exporting grain to a Europe that had become a shell-blasted battlefield. By the early 1920s, though, Europeans were able to feed themselves again. Meanwhile, the introduction of the tractor and the mechanization of farming in the United States led quickly to massive overproduction of grain. Unable any longer to pawn off the surplus on Europe, America suffered a crash in grain prices. '''The farm depression, which preceded the financial depression by half a decade, was a self-reinforcing feedback loop. As the market prices of corn and wheat plunged, farmers desperately tried to make up for low prices by producing more, which the domestic markets could not absorb, leading to even greater surpluses and more depressed prices.'''
** Chapter 6, p. 204.

* By the mid-1920s, the great wave of immigration suddenly ended. The [[w:Immigration Act of 1924|National Origins Act of 1924]] and other measures set new highly restrictive immigration quotas that cut new admissions to 2 percent of each nationality from the 1890 census. This choked off what had been a constant half-century-long demographic subsidy of ever more customers for U.S. manufacturers.
** Chapter 6, p. 205.

* Finance came to be viewed as a productive activity itself rather than a means to promote production. The public was no longer buying stock to invest in enterprises that would pay dividends over time, but merely because one could get rich from buying and selling stocks. As more people bought in, stock prices climbed still higher—a dangerous positive feedback loop.
** Chapter 6, p. 205-206.

* [...] The human race living off the &quot;drawdown&quot; of nonrenewable fossil fuel resources is the equivalent of the algae [...] enjoying a temporary rush of nutrients [...] [or a star burning more hydrogen than it could].
** Chapter 6, p. 208.

* The entropy produced in [[World War II]] was much more widespread and profound than that of World War I. In [[World War I]] the action had taken place […] entirely on rural terrain, classic battlefields. In World War II, much of the warfare was urban. The long-range bomber had reached a high stage of refinement in the twenty-plus years between world wars. None of the major capitals had been damaged in World War I. In World War II, hundreds of towns and cities were destroyed in Europe and Asia. Berlin was reduced to gravel; London was badly mutilated; and, of course, Hiroshima and Nagasaki became radioactive ashtrays. The casualties of World War I had been enormous, astonishing, [and] appalling beyond civilized peoples’ wildest dreams, but the victims had been overwhelmingly soldiers. The casualties in World War II were overwhelmingly civilians and in much greater aggregate numbers.
** Chapter 6, p. 212–213.

* '''[[American Dream|American life]], with its twin engines of suburbanization and factory production of consumer goods for the […] world, became so quickly and obviously successful''' that a new consensus formed supporting the value of the dollar and its paper accessories in capital markets, chiefly stocks, and bonds. This is not to say that the securities markets boomed in the 1950s and 1960s —it took until then just to recover the value levels of the pre-1929 crash —but stocks and bonds did regain respectability, [and] legitimacy. Those who had lived through the Great Depression, meaning virtually all the men who had served in the wartime army, had very modest expectations about the role of finance in the postwar economy. In the 1950s and 1960s, Americans bought stocks for the annual dividends they paid, not to flip them for a quick profit. In fact, share prices remained […] very flat during this period. The whole notion of investment was different than it would become later in the twentieth century. In the 1950s and 1960s, stock and bond values were linked much more directly with the successful production of real goods. General Motors derived its profits and paid its dividends on the basis of auto sales, not as today, primarily from leveraging interest rates and other abstract numbers' games removed from the actual making of products. In sum, the public attitude about the role of finance was extremely conservative. Finance was not an “industry” per se, but a set of institutions designed to keep the idea of money and its accessories credible, […] to allow real industries to function.
** Chapter 6, p. 215.

* Banking also regained respectability after the calamities of the 1930s. Federal deposit insurance, which had been instituted in the depths of the Great Depression, and only for deposits under $2,500, was raised to $10,000 in 1950, and the middle class was induced to feel confident about keeping its money in banks again. Interest rates remained modest, but so did inflation. The influx of savings made money available in capital markets to invest in new ventures. It was real money derived from work already done, pay already earned, true capital. Before the great orgy of mergers and consolidation that began in the 1970s, retail banking was […] local and community-centered. Bankers made loan decisions based on firsthand knowledge of projects going on in their communities—not, as today, based on bundling and selling clumps of mortgages for generic suburban developments they have never laid eyes on.
** Chapter 6, p. 216.

* The rebellion of the [[Hippie|hippie]]s […] based itself on the notion that abundance was a natural entitlement, and one could &quot;drop out&quot; of an insecure, deadly, and frightening industrial culture to live off the fat of the land. It was inescapably a jejune philosophy, fraught with contradictions. For the hippies, the natural order of things included items such as stereo record players, electric guitars, motor vehicles for adventuring around the country, cheap bulk whole grains, and other products of an oil-intensive industrial way of life. '''The hippie platform […] with all its mystical incunabula, rested on the platform of “normal” [[American Dream|American life]] and would have been impossible without it.'''
** Chapter 6, p. 217.

* At the start of the [[w:1980s oil glut|oil glut]], a climactic set of economic relations took shape led by Prime Minister [[Margaret Thatcher]] (and joined eagerly by President Reagan and his advisors) that would be called “globalism.” It was not so much a new idea as the logical and inevitable result of mature self-organizing systems elaborating themselves under the influence of renewed, immense energy inputs—the ultimate cheap-oil way of doing business in the [supposedly] closed system that is the planet [[Earth]]. It entailed the maximization of short-term profit and the minimization of care for future generations. It was the ultimate generator of entropy.
** Chapter 6, p. 219.

* In America, globalism meant the accelerated dismantling of the nation's manufacturing base and its reassignment to other countries where labor was dirt cheap and environmental regulations did not apply. It also meant the ramping up of a “service economy” or, more properly, the myth of a service economy to replace the old manufacturing economy. […] It was […] absurd. It was like the old joke about the village that prospered because the inhabitants were all employed taking in each other’s laundry. In fact, far fewer actual things of value were being created in the service economy. […] It was assumed, for instance, that computers […] boosted productivity. Much of that gain was either illusory or fraught with collateral social and economic losses of other kinds. Companies that reported higher productivity were shedding employees like mad and the entire ethos of work in America was being transformed from one of [the] people having secure careers and permanent positions with reliable companies to one of institutionalized insecurity for […] everyone below top management in a new general atmosphere of Darwinian corporate ruthlessness—under the rubric of &quot;free-market competition.&quot;
** Chapter 6, p. 220.

* What one also saw in the America of the 1980s and 1990s was commoditization and conversion of public goods into private luxuries, the impoverishment of the civic realm, and, to put it bluntly, the rape of the landscape —a vast entropic enterprise that was the culminating phase of suburbia. The dirty secret of the American economy in the 1990s was that it was no longer about anything except the creation of suburban sprawl and the furnishing, accessorizing, and financing of it. It resembled the efficiency of cancer. Nothing else really mattered except building suburban houses, trading away the mortgages, selling the multiple cars needed by the inhabitants, upgrading the roads into commercial strip highways with all the necessary shopping infrastructure, and moving vast supplies of merchandise made in China for next to nothing to fill up those houses. The economy of suburban sprawl was a systemic self-organizing response to the availability of inordinately cheap oil with ever-increasing entropy expressed in an ever-increasing variety of manifestations from the destruction of farmland to the decay of the cities, to widespread psychological depression, to the rash of school shooting sprees, to epidemic obesity. Americans didn’t question the validity of the suburban sprawl economy. They accepted it at face value as the obvious logical outcome of their hopes and dreams and defended it viciously against criticism. They steadfastly ignored its salient characteristic: that it had no future either as an economy or as a living arrangement. Each further elaboration of the suburban system made it less likely to survive any change in conditions, most particularly any change in the equations of cheap oil. It wasn't until the traumas of the 1970s that the finance sector mutated from being an adjunct of the industrial economy to becoming an “industry” in its own right helping to “drive” the economy. Among the distortions and perversions engendered by the “stagflation” economy was the rise of corporate cannibalism in the form of “creative” mergers and acquisitions, specifically hostile takeovers, the aggressive use of voting stock shares to gain control of companies that did not wish to sell, with the subsequent filleting and sell-off of assets, and discarding of the bones and offal (employee payrolls and obligations, careers, livelihoods, communities).
** Chapter 6, p. 222–223.

* In the face of the things like the {{w|Dot-com bubble|dot-com meltdown}}, the {{w|LTCM}} scare, the {{w|Enron scandal}}, and other disasters that eroded the notional value of financial paper, homeownership itself was now turned into a magical generator of unearned riches for both borrowers and lenders. It was consistent with the [[Las Vegas]]-ization of the national moral sense, chiefly the increasingly popular belief at every level of American life that it really was possible to get something for nothing. Anyone could see this in the easy public acceptance of gambling as okay and the proliferation of casinos everywhere in the land. Not even the evangelical Christians seemed to mind. There is no such thing as intrinsic value in a house. A huge percentage of the public has now put its net worth into something that […] isn't an investment. Apart from false econometrics of rising house valuations and the leverage that affords for raising cash within the context of the current lending rackets, a house is much more of a consumer product than an investment, especially the kind of houses built in recent decades in America, namely stapled-together boxes made of particle board and plastic cladding that require continual reinvestment in petty cash and labor for upkeep, and will probably not hold their value, even if well cared for, because of poor locational choices. A house on a one-acre lot in a subdivision in {{w|Loudoun County, Virginia}}, thirty-two miles from downtown [[Washington, D.C.|Washington]], […] a magnificent thing to behold today, with a soaring lawyer-foyer entrance, a restaurant-grade kitchen, and an inground pool out back. But if there is less gasoline to power up the fleet of cars necessary to service it, and no natural gas to heat the thousand-square-foot cathedral-ceilinged lawyer foyer, then chances are that the house is going to be a liability rather than an asset.
** Chapter 6, p. 229.

* The supernaturally low-interest rates provoked an orgy of buying and the orgy of buying bid up the prices of the houses, and as the prices of the houses levitated, the owners entered another new and strange zone of hallucinated wealth accumulation using the latest contrivance: the refinanced mortgage. Re-fi's allowed house owners to use their houses as though they were automatic teller machines. Say a person bought a house in 1999 for $250,000 and the house was appraised in 2003 at $400,000; that person could refinance with a substantial &quot;cash out&quot; privilege, converting the imagined increase of value into disposable income, which could then be used to buy motorboats, home theater plasma TV screens, or trips to Las Vegas. Refinancing prestidigitated an estimated $1.6 trillion for the American economy over a five-year period, and much of that &quot;money&quot; was deployed purchasing &quot;consumer&quot; goods—mostly made outside the United States. From 1999 to 2004 […] a third of all house owners indulged in cash-out re-fi mortgages. […] Behind every extravagant cash extraction lay the belief that at some future date the house would be worth a lot more than the re-fi price and could be readily flipped.
** Chapter 6, p. 231.

* After the mid-1990s, there was hardly a technical distinction to be made anymore between high-risk borrowers and everybody else in the casino atmosphere of [North] America[n] society. No one was at risk anymore because in the something-for-nothing economy it was impossible to be a loser. Or so went the herd thinking. […] It is […] likely that the housing bubble will have begun to come to grief.
** Chapter 6, p. 232.

* The failure of the [[w:Government-sponsored enterprise|GSE]]s would make the [[w:Savings and loan crisis|S&amp;L fiasco of the 1980s]] look like a bad night of poker. The failure of the GSEs would pose a far graver situation than the [[w:Long-Term Capital Management|LTCM]] flameout. It could easily bring on cascading failures that might jeopardize global finance. This time, the […] public would feel the pain.
** Chapter 6, p. 233.

* If the folks who lived along this highway put in gardens to make up for the escalating inadequacies of an industrial farming system starved for fossil fuel “inputs,” would they be able to feed themselves? Did any vernacular knowledge survive in a populace conditioned to think that food came from the supermarket? Did they know anything about cabbage loopers, powdery mildew, or anthracnose? Would they be able to prevent catastrophic crop loss? How would they defend their crops against deer, rabbits, [and] woodchucks? Would any of them know how to build a garden wall or even a fence? Where would they get fencing material? Would they have to sit out among the potato hills and the bean rows at night with loaded shotguns? And what would they do for light when they heard something munching out there? Would they know how to keep chicken, sheep, [and] cattle, including breeding and birthing them?
** Chapter 7, p. 237.

* Because […] systems are self-organizing in the face of circumstance, the big questions are '''how much disorder must we endure as things change, and how hard will we struggle to continue a particular way of life with no future?''' […] The U.S. economy of the decades to come will center on farming, not high-tech, […] “information,” or “services,” or space travel, […] tourism, or finance. All other activities will be secondary to food production, which will require much more human labor. 
** Chapter 7, p. 239.

* [...] [Everything] [...] tend[s] toward diminishing returns and unsustainability, [...] even in the short term.
** Chapter 7, p. 240.

* A hundred years ago, just before the introduction of the fossil fuel-based technologies, more than 30 percent of the American population was engaged in farming. Now the figure is 1.6 percent. The issue is not moral, academic, or aesthetic. […] It’s a matter of those ratios being made possible only because cheap oil and automation made up for so much human labor.
** Chapter 7, p. 241.

* The energy disruptions of the Long Emergency are going to remind us that the skyscraper was an experimental building form.
** Chapter 7, p. 253.

* The lucky suburbanites will be the ones with the forethought to trade in their suburban McHouses for property in the towns and small cities and prepare for a vocational life doing something useful and practical on the small scale. 
** Chapter 7, p. 256.

* Wal-Mart will not be able to profitably run its “warehouse on wheels” when the price of oil fluctuates chronically. […] We will never again experience the explosion of products, choices, and nonstop marketing that characterized the late twentieth century. The public may look back on the big-box shopping era with deep and mournful nostalgia, but we are apt to discover that happiness is still possible without the extraordinary advertising-driven compulsive materialism of recent decades. '''We will still have commerce. We will have [a] trade. There will be shopping. We will have […] medium of exchange. But we are not going to live in a perpetual blue-light special sale of cornucopian wretched excess.'''
** Chapter 7, p. 257.

* Even if we can’t get all the tools and the products we currently enjoy, we will retain a lot of basic knowledge that the people of Jefferson’s day just didn’t have. For instance, we will still understand that infections and many diseases are caused by microorganisms, not bad air, phases of the moon, or evil spells and that knowledge alone confers powerful advantages in daily living.
** Chapter 7, p. 258.

* '''Large-scale corporate enterprise has brought humankind much material comfort in two centuries but at the price of fantastic unintended consequences (externalized costs) ranging from the destruction of local communities to climate change. Large-scale corporations will be vulnerable to the collapse of capital formation markets that must accompany the end of the cheap oil fiesta. Corporate enterprise can certainly be reorganized on the small, local community scale, but it will not be the same as {{w|General Motors}}. Corporate enterprise in the Long Emergency may revert to being more public in nature and far less sovereign in power.''' There may be one exception: The most visible […] corporate organization that might survive the Long Emergency may be the church. Whether Catholic or Pentecostal or something new we haven't seen yet; the church won't have to rely on oil supplies. Organized religion doesn't have to traffic in awkward material products, only in beliefs, and it can operate at many scales simultaneously. Because American culture is constitutionally allergic to religious governance, we may have problems if churches are the only large organizations left standing—that is, assuming we still have the same constitution.
** Chapter 7, p. 259.

* We should […] conclude that the abandoned big-box structures will not last more than one generation under any circumstances. […] The same thing can be said about malls, strip malls, and chain restaurant buildings. Eventually, they will be the salvage yards and mines of the future.
** Chapter 7, p. 261.

* One final thing worth noting on the subject of rail: From 1890 to about 1920, American localities managed to construct hundreds of local and interurban streetcar lines that added up to a magnificent national system (independent of the national heavy rail system). Except for two twenty-mile gaps in New York state, one could ride the trolley lines from [[New England]] clear out to Wisconsin. The story of the conspiracy by General Motors and other companies to destroy the U.S. interurban system is well documented. The salient point, however, is how rapidly the system was created in the first place, and how marvelously well it served the public in the period before the automobile became established.
** Chapter 7, p. 268-269.

* It's hard to imagine a more purposeless activity than American-style high school in our time. […] The public questions its basic premises or mode of operation any more than the public questions the economy of suburban sprawl. But [the] high school in our time amounts to little more than daycare for virtual adults in which some learning might incidentally take place, much of it of dubious value.
** Chapter 7, p. 271.

* The Southwest also faces increasing friction with adjoining [[Mexico]]. This is not a racist provocation but a description of reality. '''No other first-world country has such an extensive land frontier with a third-world country. The income gap between the United States and Mexico is greater than that between any other two contiguous countries in the world.'''
** Chapter 7, p. 275.

* In any case, it is human nature to consider a place “home” if you were born there, or have family there, or have spent some portion of your life there, and people are naturally reluctant to leave home. I daresay that many Americans now living in the Southwest will not be disposed to understand what is really happening—that the carrying capacity of their home region has been suddenly and drastically reduced—and they will hunker down hoping for a return to better times.
** Chapter 7, p. 279.

* After air conditioning became widely affordable, southerners hardly went outside anymore, unless it was in a motor vehicle. Anything about southern vernacular architecture that once had been graceful in adapting to the climate was cast aside for the pleasures of air conditioning and cheapness of construction.
** Chapter 7, p. 283.

* The Long Emergency will cause unprecedented social and economic dislocation, and the outcome may be a world we would barely recognize. The [...] egalitarian society we knew in the [...] twentieth century may become drastically more hierarchical as large numbers of desperate people place themselves in the service of those who control land, especially following a period of anarchy. Under such harsh conditions, the weaker individuals will sell their allegiance in return for security.
** Chapter 7, p. 286–287.

* The gigantic smear of suburbia that runs […] without interruption from north of Boston through Connecticut, New York, New Jersey, Baltimore, Washington, and northern Virginia is not going to be a happy place.
** Chapter 7, p. 291.

* The circumstances of the Long Emergency will be the opposite of what we currently experience. '''There will be hunger instead of plenty, cold where there was once warmth, effort where there was once leisure, sickness where there was health, and violence where there was peace.''' We will have to adjust our attitudes, values, and ideas to accommodate these new circumstances and we may not recognize the people will soon become or the people we once were. In a world where sheer survival dominates all other concerns, a tragic view of life is apt to reassert itself. This is another way of saying that we will become keenly aware of the limitations of human nature [...]. Life will get much more real.
** Chapter 7, p. 303.

* I’m aware of having already lived more than a half-century through the greatest fiesta of luxury, comfort, and leisure that the world has ever known. I enjoyed central heating, air conditioning, cheap airfares, cable TV, advanced orthopedic surgery, and computers.
** Chapter 7, p. 304.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.kunstler.com/ James Howard Kunstler home page]
* [http://jameshowardkunstler.typepad.com/ Comment on current events by Jim Kunstler]
* [http://www.ted.com/talks/view/id/121 TED Talks: James Howard Kunstler dissects suburbia] at [[Wikipedia:TED (conference)|TED]] in 2004

{{DEFAULTSORT:Kunstler, James Howard}}
[[Category:Novelists from the United States]]
[[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]]
[[Category:Bloggers from the United States]]
[[Category:Social critics]]
[[Category:Critics from the United States]]
[[Category:Orators from the United States]]
[[Category:Activists from the United States]]
[[Category:American Jews]]
[[Category:People from New York City]]
[[Category:1948 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]

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'''[[W:James Howard Kunstler|James Howard Kunstler]]''' (born [[October 19]], [[1948]], New York City, New York) is an American author, social critic, public speaker, and blogger.

== Quotes ==
* As modern interpolators might say, the bubonic plague winnowed down Europe’s population to a scale more congenial with its resource base. After that big first wave of the disease, [the] land was cheaper and human labor better rewarded. Eventually, more food got around. Incidentally, '''the plague provoked nostalgia for the classical antiquity of [[Greece]] and [[Rome]], especially among the scholars of [[Florence]], launching the extravaganzas of the [[Renaissance]], the [[Age of Enlightenment|Enlightenment]], and eventually our own pageant of techno-supremacist [[Modernity]].'''
** &quot;Dance Macabre,&quot; May 18, 2020.
* […] Life is tragic and history won’t shed a tear for us if we make poor collective decisions, or adopt beliefs that are inconsistent with reality.
** &quot;The Old American Dream Is a Nightmare,&quot; March 9, 2011.

=== ''[[w:World Made by Hand|World Made by Hand]]'' (2008) ===
Kunstler, James Howard. ''World Made by Hand''. New York, NY: Grove Press, 2008. Print. {{ISBN|978-0-8021-4401-0}}.

* In the early twenty-first century [[farming]] had all but died out here. We got our food from the supermarket, and not everybody cared where the supermarket got it as long as it was there on the shelves. A few elderly dairymen hung on. Many let their fields and pastures go to scrub. Some sold out to what used to be called developers, and they'd put in five or ten poorly build houses. Now, in the new times, there were far fewer people, and many houses outside [the] town were being taken down for their materials. Farming was back. That was the only way we got food.
** Chapter 1, p. 5

* We lived more by the sun than by the clock, but I did own a clock. It was an eight-day windup console clock which I kept on the mantel in the living room, and it was the only timepiece in the house that worked anymore.
** Chapter 4, p. 20

* Living by the clock was an old habit that died hard. Not much that we did required punctuality, but people still wanted to know what time it was.
** Chapter 4, p. 20

* The racket was coming over what used to be our public radio station, WAMC out of [[Wikipedia:Albany, New York|Albany]], but the familiar [...] voices [...] were long gone. Some febrile evangelist was railing from the [[Book of Revelation]].
** Chapter 4, p. 20

* I switched on the television on the outside chance that something might come through. Nothing had been on for years. The local network affiliates withered away after the national network of cable channels went out until there was nothing. 
** Chapter 4, p. 20–21

* I searched the FM band but there was nothing besides other pious pleaders, and they didn't come in too well. The AM band offered about the same thing, only with worse reception, nothing remotely describable as news, and no music because commercial entertainment as we knew it was no more, and its handmaiden, advertising had gone with it.
** Chapter 4, p. 21

* I had one of those steel thermal mugs you carried everywhere with you as a kind of signifier of how busy, and therefore how important you were.
** Chapter 4, p. 22

* It was obvious there would be no return to [what we used to call] &quot;normality.&quot; The [resource-intensive] economy wouldn't be coming back. [[Wikipedia:Globalism|Globalism]] was over. The politicians and generals were failing to pull things together at the center. We would not be returning to Boston. The computer industry, in which so many hopes had been vested, was fading into history.
** Chapter 4, p. 24

* In a world that had become a salvage operation, the general supply evolved into Union Grove's leading industry. When every last useful thing in town had been stripped from the [[Wikipedia:Kmart|Kmart]] and the United Auto, the [[Wikipedia:CVS Pharmacy|CVS drugstore]], and other trading establishments of the bygone national chain-store economy, daily life became a perpetual flea market centered on the old town dump.
** Chapter 5, p. 28

* We regarded [[Wikipedia:Opium|opium]] as a godsend. It did not develop into an illicit trade, though. There was no legal prohibition, no police running around trying to suppress drugs, driving up the price artificially, and no marketing system. There were no distant markets to send it to because shipping anything was slow at best and often unreliable, and travel was something you just didn't do anymore. Anybody could grow their own [[Wikipedia:Papaver somniferum|poppies]] or buy raw opium paste from one of the growers. Farmers made more money growing raspberries or asparagus. They grew poppies as a public service. A few people took to smoking opium, but those with an extremely apathetic attitude toward survival tended not to last long in the new disposition of things.
** Chapter 5, p. 30

* Children [...] had sat in those very box buildings under buzzing fluorescent lights listening to their science teachers prattle about the wonders of space travel and gene splicing and how we were all going to live to be a hundred and twenty-five years old in &quot;smart&quot; computer-controlled houses where all we had to do was speak to bump up the heat or turn on giant home theater screens in a life of perpetual leisure and comfort. It made me sick to think about. Not because there's something necessarily wrong with leisure or comfort, but because that's where our aspirations ended. And in the face of what had actually happened to us, it seemed obscenely stupid.
** Chapter 6, p. 33–34

* Motion is a great tranquilizer.
** Chapter 6, p. 34

* Few dogs were around anymore. Some had been eaten during the hunger that followed the flu in the spring of that year. People didn't talk about it; it was so demoralizing.
** Chapter 7, p. 36

* Jesus [...] look how we live? I'm practically a serf.
** Chapter 7, p. 37

* You could argue people are generally better off now mentally than they were back then. We follow the natural cycles. We eat real food instead of processed crap full of chemicals. We're not jacked up on coffee and television and [...] advertising all the time. No more anxiety about credit card bills.
** Chapter 7, p. 37–38

* We all knew the apparatus of justice had dissolved.
** Chapter 12, p. 57

* As the world changed, we reverted to social divisions that we'd thought were obsolete. The egalitarian pretenses of the high-octane decades had dissolved, and nobody even debated it anymore, including the women of our town. A plain majority of the townspeople were laborers now, whatever in life they had been before. Nobody in town called them peasants, but in effect, that's what they'd become. That's just the way things were.
** Chapter 21, p. 101

* [[Wikipedia:Waterford (town), New York|Waterford]] began its existence as the gateway to the [[Wikipedia:Erie Canal|Erie Canal system]], the first stretch of which was built to bypass several waterfalls on the [[Wikipedia:Mohawk River|Mohawk River]].
** Chapter 28, p. 137

* I remembered Albany [...] as just another down-on-its-luck small American city that had sacrificed its vitality to a whirring ring of homogenous suburbs.
** Chapter 29, p. 140

* We're building our own New Jerusalem up the river. It's a world made by hand, now, one stone at a time, one board at a time, one hope at a time, one soul at a time.
** Chapter 29, p. 142

* Whatever the other failures of the U.S. government were, it had managed to print an excess of dollars which, combined with the collapse of trade and communication, had severely eroded the currency's value.
** Chapter 30, p. 146

* I lay awake [...] listening to the rain drip from the eaves and thinking of the big map that hung from the top of the chalkboard in my primary school in Wilton, Connecticut, so many years ago, back in the days of cars, television, and air-conditioning. The states on this map were muted tones of pink, green, and yellow. Over it hung the flag that we pledged allegiance to every single morning. &quot;One nation under God, indivisible...&quot;
** Chapter 31, p. 150

* I'd been carrying [my Ruger .41 Magnum] so many days that I had almost forgotten it was there. This was the kind of world we now lived in.
** Chapter 36, p. 171

* I argued that the human race should have known it was in trouble, [...] given how insane our way of life had become. Minor quit blowing into his harmonica long enough to say that [[Wikipedia:John D. Rockefeller|John D. Rockefeller]] and the [[Wikipedia:Bush family|Bush family]] had made a deal with the Devil going back all the way to the 1900s.
** Chapter 38, p. 181

* Could we even pretend the law still existed? Or was it something you made up now, as the occasion required?
** Chapter 38, p. 181

* The essence of politics was to not act on your impulses.
** Chapter 42, p. 199

* There's real strangeness in this world of ours. Back in the machine times, there was so much noise front and back, so to speak, it kept us from knowing what lies behind the surface of things. 
** Chapter 55, p. 262

* It was more possible that the human race possessed some spark of divinity that was worth cultivating than that a mysterious ''being'' was up there in the ether somewhere with anthropomorphic qualities of goodness and mercy running the whole show.
** Chapter 65, p. 315–316

* We were content to be undisturbed in our little backwater, Union Grove, [[Wikipedia:Washington County, New York|Washington County]], in a place once called the [[Wikipedia:New York State|Empire State]], where the [[Wikipedia:Battenkill|Battenkill]] runs into the [[Wikipedia:Hudson River|Hudson River]].
** Chapter 65, p. 317

=== ''[[w:The Long Emergency|The Long Emergency]]'' (2005) ===
Kunstler, James Howard. ''The Long Emergency''. New York, NY: Grove Press, 2005. Print. {{ISBN|978-0-8711-3888-0}}.

* It has been [...] hard [...] to make sense of the gathering forces that will fundamentally alter the terms of everyday life in [...] society. Even after the {{w|September 11 attacks|terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001}}, that collapsed the twin towers of the {{w|World Trade Center (1973–2001)|World Trade Center}} and sliced through [[the Pentagon]], [...] [we are] still sleepwalking into [an uncertain] [...] future. We have walked out of our burning house, and we are now headed off the edge of a cliff. Beyond that cliff is an abyss of economic and political disorder on a scale that no one has ever seen before. […]  It is my view, for instance, that in the decades to come the national government will prove to be so impotent and ineffective in managing the enormous vicissitudes we face that the [[United States]] may not survive as a nation in any meaningful sense but […] will devolve into a set of autonomous regions.
** Chapter 1, p. 1.

* It is no exaggeration to state that reliable supplies of cheap [and easy-to-find [[hydrocarbon]]s like] [[oil]] and [[w:natural gas|natural gas]] underlie everything we identify as a benefit of modern life. All the necessities, comforts, luxuries, and miracles of our time [...] owe their origins or continued existence in one way or another to cheap fossil fuel. Even our nuclear power plants [...] depend on cheap [...] [hydrocarbons] for all the procedures of construction, maintenance, and extracting and processing nuclear fuels. The blandishments of cheap oil and gas were so seductive, and induced such transports of mesmerizing contentment, that we ceased paying attention to the essential nature of these miraculous gifts from the [deep] earth: that they exist in finite, nonrenewable supplies, unevenly distributed around the world. To aggravate matters, the wonders of steady technological progress under the reign of oil have tricked us [...] to believe that anything we wish for hard enough can come true. These days, even people in our culture who ought to know better are wishing ardently that a smooth, seamless transition from fossil fuels to their putative replacements [...] lies just a few years ahead. [...] This is a dangerous fantasy. The true best-case scenario may be that some of these technologies will take decades to develop–meaning that we can expect an extremely turbulent interval between the end of cheap oil and whatever comes next. A more likely scenario is that new fuels and technologies may never replace fossil fuels at the scale, rate, and manner at which the [industrial] world currently consumes them.
** Chapter 1, p. 2–3.

* What is [...] not comprehended about this predicament is that the developed world will begin to suffer long before the oil and gas [...] run out. The [[American Dream|American way of life]] [...] can run only on reliable supplies of dependably cheap [hydrocarbons like] oil and gas. Even mild to moderate deviations in [...] supply will crush our economy and make […] daily life impossible. Fossil fuel reserves are not scattered equitably around the world. They tend to be concentrated in places where the native peoples don’t like the West in general [...], places physically very remote, places where we realistically can exercise little control [...]. [...] We can be certain that the price and supplies of fossil fuels will suffer oscillations and disruptions in the period ahead [...]. [...] The decline of fossil fuels is certain to ignite chronic strife between nations contesting the remaining supplies. These resource wars have already begun. There will be more of them. They are [...] likely to grind on and on [...]. They will only aggravate a situation that, in and of itself, could bring down civilizations. The extent of suffering [...] will certainly depend on how tenaciously we attempt to cling to obsolete habits, customs, and assumptions–for instance, how fiercely [...] [we] decide to fight to maintain suburban lifestyles that simply cannot be rationalized any longer.
** Chapter 1, p. 3.

* [[Thomas Robert Malthus|[Thomas] Malthus]] was certainly correct [that demand will outstrip supply], but [...] [hydrocarbons] [...] skewed the [supply-demand] equation over the past [two] hundred years while the human race has enjoyed an unprecedented orgy of [a fraction of] nonrenewable condensed solar energy accumulated over eons of prehistory. The “green revolution” in boosting crop yields was minimally about scientific innovation in crop genetics and mostly about dumping massive amounts of fertilizers and pesticides made [...] of [...] [petroleum] onto crops, as well as employing irrigation at a fantastic scale made possible by abundant oil and gas. The cheap oil age created an artificial bubble of plenitude for a period not much longer than a human lifetime, a hundred years. Within that […], the idea took hold that only grouches, spoilsports, and godless maniacs considered population hypergrowth a problem [with a direct solution], and that to even raise the issue was indecent. [...] As oil ceases to be cheap and the world reserves arc toward depletion, we will indeed suddenly be left with an enormous surplus population [...] that the ecology of the earth [sic] will not support. No political program of birth control will avail. The people are already here. The journey back to non-oil population homeostasis will not be pretty. '''We will discover the hard way that [[w:Baby boom|population hypergrowth]] was simply a side effect of the oil age.''' It was [more of] a condition [without a remedy], not a problem with a [direct] solution. That is what happened, and we are stuck with it.
** Chapter 1, p. 8.

* The high tide of the [...] [industrial] age also happened to be a moment in history when human ingenuity gained an upper hand against the age-old scourges of disease. We have enjoyed the great benefits of antibiotic medicine for [...] a half-century. Penicillin, sulfa drugs, and their descendants briefly gave [hu]mankind the notion that diseases caused by microorganisms could, and indeed would, be systematically vanquished. Or, at least, this was the popular view. Doctors and scientists knew better. [...] The recognition is now growing that the victory over microbes was short-lived. They are back in force, including [...] old enemies such as tuberculosis and staphylococcus in new drug-resistant strains. Other old diseases are on the march into new territories, as a response to climate change brought on by global warming [caused by the burning of fossil fuels]. In response to unprecedented habitat destruction by humans and the invasion of [what we call] wilderness, the earth [sic] itself seems to be sending forth new and much more lethal diseases, as though it had a [...] protective immune system with antibody-like agents aimed with remarkable precision at the source of the problem: ''Homo sapiens''.
** Chapter 1, p. 9–10.

* At the same time, the world is overdue for an extreme influenza epidemic. The last major outbreak was the [[w:Spanish flu|1918 Spanish influenza]], which killed fifty million [and possibly more, as we will not know the real numbers] people worldwide and changed the course of history. […] Disease will certainly play a larger role in the Long Emergency than many can now imagine. An epidemic could paralyze social and economic systems, interrupt global trade, and bring down governments. […] '''At the very least, the Long Emergency will be a time of diminished life spans for many of us, as well as reduced standards of living'''–at least as understood within the current social context. Fossil fuels had the effect of temporarily raising the carrying capacity of the earth. Our ability to resist the environmental corrective of disease will [...] prove to have been another temporary boon of the [...] [industrial] age [...]. So much of what we construe to be among our entitlements to perpetual progress may prove to have been a strange, marvelous, and anomalous moment in [...] history.
** Chapter 1, p. 11–12.

* The so-called global economy was not a permanent institution, [...] but a set of transient circumstances peculiar to a certain time: the […] fossil fuel era. […] Factories could be started up in [[Sri Lanka]] and [[Malaysia]], where swollen populations furnished trainable workers willing to labor for much less than those back in the United States or [[Europe]]. Products then moved around the globe in a highly rationalized system, not unlike the oil allocation system, using immense vessels, automated port facilities, and truck-scaled shipping containers at a minuscule cost-per-unit of whatever was made and transported. Shirts or coffeemakers manufactured 12,000 miles away could be shipped to Wal-Marts all over America and sold cheaply. […] Meanwhile, among economists and government figures, globalism developed [...] [as] an intellectual fad. Globalism allowed them to believe that burgeoning wealth in the developed countries, and the spread of industrial activity to formerly primitive regions, was based on the potency of their own ideas and policies rather than on cheap [and easy-to-find hydrocarbons like] oil. […] [An] overlooked [fact] is that [[Margaret Thatcher|[Margaret] Thatcher]]’s success in reviving England coincided with a fantastic new revenue stream from {{w|North Sea}} oil, as quaint old Britannia became energy self-sufficient and a net energy-exporting nation for the first time since the heyday of coal. Globalism then infected America when [[Ronald Reagan]] came on the scene in 1981. Reagan’s ‘supply-side” economic advisors retailed a set of fiscal ideas that neatly accessorized the new notions about free trade and deregulation, chiefly that massively reducing taxes would […] result in greater revenues as the greater aggregate of business activity generated a greater aggregate of taxes even at lower rates. (What it […] generated was huge government deficits.) […] The rise of computers, in turn, promoted the fantasy that commerce in sheer information would be the long-sought replacement for all the played-out activities of the smokestack economy. A country like America, it was now thought, no longer needed steelmaking or tire factories or other harsh, dirty, troublesome enterprises. Let the poor masses of [[Asia]] and {{w|South America}} have them and lift themselves up from agricultural peonage. America would outsource all this old economy stuff and use computers to orchestrate the movement of parts and the assembly of products from distant quarters of the world, and then sell the stuff in our own {{w|K-mart}}s and {{w|Wal-Mart}}s, which would become global juggernauts of retailing. […] It was also like a convoluted liquidation sale of the accrued wealth of two hundred years of industrial society for the benefit of a handful of financial buccaneers, with the great masses relegated to a race to the bottom as the economic assets are dismantled and sold off, and their livelihoods are closed […]. That this development was uniformly greeted as a public good by the vast majority of Americans, at the same time that their local economies were being destroyed—and with them, myriad social and civic benefits—is one of the greater enigmas of recent social history. In effect, Americans threw away their communities […] to save a few dollars on hair dryers and plastic food storage tubs, never stopping to reflect on what they were destroying.
** Chapter 1, p. 12-16.

* [Globalism's] demise will coincide with the end of the cheap-oil age. For better or worse, many of the circumstances we associate with globalism will be reversed. Markets will close as political turbulence and military mischief interrupt trade relations. As markets close, societies will turn increasingly to import replacement[s] for sheer economic survival. The cost of transport will no longer be negligible in a post-cheap-oil age. Many of our agricultural products will have to be produced closer to home, and [...] by more intensive [...] labor as oil and natural gas supplies become increasingly unstable. The world will stop shrinking and become larger again. Virtually all [...] the [...] relationships [...] that we have taken for granted as permanent will be radically changed [...]. Life will become intensely and increasingly local.
** Chapter 1, p. 17.

* In any case, the tragic truth is that much of suburbia is unreformable. It does not lend itself to being retrofitted into the [...] mixed-use, smaller scaled, more fine-grained walkable environments we will need to carry on daily life in the coming age of [...] reduced motoring. [...] Instead, this suburban real estate [...] will enter a phase of rapid and cruel devaluation. Many of the suburban subdivisions will become the slums of the future. […] The seasons […] will continue with the great cycles of contraction and expansion, and at some point, in the future, who knows how many years distant, some of these cities in a land once called [the [[United States|United States of North] America]] may be robust and cosmopolitan in ways that we can’t imagine now, any more than a Roman of A.D. 38 might have been able to imagine the future London of the Beatles.
** Chapter 1, p. 17–18.

* […] We have lived through as a narrative episode in a greater saga of human history. The industrial story has a beginning, a middle, and an end. [[w:First Industrial Revolution|It begins in the mid-eighteenth century with coal and the first steam engines]], [[w:Second Industrial Revolution|proceeds to a robust second act]] climaxing in the years before [[World War I]], and moves toward a third act resolution now that we can anticipate with some precision the depletion of the resources that made the industrial episode possible. As the industrial story ends, the greater saga of [hu]mankind will move on into a new episode, the Long Emergency. This is […] a self-evident point, but throughout history, even the most important and self-evident trends are often completely ignored because the changes they foreshadow are simply unthinkable. That process is sometimes referred to as an “outside context problem,” something so far beyond the ordinary experience of those dwelling in a certain time and place that they cannot make sense of available information. The collective mental static preventing comprehension is also sometimes referred to as “cognitive dissonance,” a term borrowed from developmental psychology. It helps explain why the […] public has been sleepwalking into the future. The Long Emergency is going to be a tremendous trauma for […] human[s] […]. It is likely to entail political [and social] turbulence every bit as extreme as the economic conditions that prompt it.
** Chapter 1, p. 20.

* Whole ideologies had to be constructed to account for being modern and to explain it.
** Chapter 2, p. 22.

* Now, exactly a hundred years after the first powered flight at {{w|Kitty Hawk, North Carolina}}, I can get on a jet airplane twice the size of a house several times a month and fly halfway across North America in the time it takes to finish a newspaper—and I end up feeling cranky and resentful about the service, to boot! They ran out of pretzels! The air conditioning was set too low! […] Everything characteristic about the condition we call modern life has been a direct result of our access to abundant supplies of cheap [[Fossil fuel|fossil fuels]]. Fossil fuels have permitted us to fly, to go where we want to go rapidly, and move things easily from place to place. Fossil fuels rescued us from the despotic darkness of the night. They have made the pharaonic scale of building commonplace everywhere. They have allowed a fractionally tiny percentage of our swollen populations to produce massive amounts of food. They have allowed us to develop industries of surpassing ingenuity and to push the limits of what it even means to be human [...]. [But] The age of fossil fuels is about to end. There is no replacement for them at hand. 
** Chapter 2, p. 23.

* Because the oil peak phenomenon […] cancels out further industrial growth of the kind we are used to, its implications lie radically outside […] economic paradigm. So, the oil peak phenomenon has been discounted to about zero among conventional economists, who assume that “market signals” about oil supplies will inevitably trigger innovation, which, in turn, will cause [something] new […] to materialize and enable further growth. If the market signals are not triggering innovation, then the problem must be overstated and growth under the oil regime will resume—after, say, a normal periodic downcycle. This is obvious casuistry, but casuistry can be a great comfort when a problem has no real solution. […] Our investment in an oil-addicted way of life […] is now so inordinately large that it is too late to salvage all the national wealth wasted on building it, or to continue that way of life more than a decade or so into the future. What’s more, as we have outsourced manufacturing to other countries, the entire U.S. economy has become more […] dependent on continued misinvestment in […] suburbia and its accessories. No politician wants to tell voters that the [[American Dream]] has been canceled for a lack of […] resources. The U.S. economy would disintegrate. So, whichever party is in power has tended to ignore the issue, change the subject, or spin it into the realm of delusion.
** Chapter 2, p. 28.

* Oil is an amazing substance. It stores a tremendous amount of energy per weight and volume. It is easy to transport. It stores easily at regular air temperature in unpressurized metal tanks, and it can sit there indefinitely without degrading. You can pump it through a pipe, you can send it all over the world in ships, you can haul it around in trains, cars, and trucks, you can even fly it in tanker planes and refuel other airplanes in flight. It is flammable but has proven to be safe to handle with a modest amount of care by people with double-digit IQs. […] We used [oil] [...] as if there was no tomorrow. Now there may not be one. That's how special oil has been. 
** Chapter 2, p. 31.

* […] Suburbia turned out to be a disappointing cartoon of country living rather than the real thing [that] was a tragic unanticipated consequence […].
** Chapter 2, p. 40.

* […] The base price of a barrel of oil did eventually more than quadruple by the time the embargo was called off in March 1974. And the price rise alone staggered the West and Japan. Already at that time, public transit was a thing of the past and about 85 percent of Americans drove to work every day.
** Chapter 2, p. 46.

* Oil is the world's most critical resource. Without it, nothing works in industrial civilization as currently configured. Few people dispute the idea that the world will eventually run out of oil, and there is a broad recognition that it will happen [...].
** Chapter 3, p. 64.

* The total planetary endowment of conventional nonrenewable liquid oil was [...] two trillion barrels before humans started using it [and possibly more, as most of it was used to protect the Earth's crust]. Since the mid-nineteenth century, the world has burned through [...] one trillion barrels of oil, [...] representing the easiest-to-get, highest-quality liquids. [...] Oil has enabled the [[w:Baby boom|[post-War] population explosion]].
** Chapter 3, p. 66.

* The denial about [the] global peak in the United States is already fierce, as investments in car-dependent, oil-addicted infrastructure are greater here than in any other nation and Americans consider their way of life a God-given entitlement. […] The economic [...] [struggle] among [...] all nations, [...] will be considerable and is certain to lead to increasingly desperate competition for diminishing supplies of oil [and every other resource]. 
** Chapter 3, p. 68.

* […] With China becoming a presence by necessity in the region, we would be back in a cold war again, or something worse, contesting with a rival world hegemon, this time over […] resources, not [just] ideology.
** Chapter 3, p. 84.

* Eventually, […] [we] will have to contend with the problems of the Long Emergency: the end of industrial growth, falling standards of living, economic desperation, declining food production, and domestic political strife. A point will be reached when the great powers of the world no longer have the means to project their power any distance. Even nuclear weapons may become inoperable, considering how much their careful maintenance depends on other technological systems linked to our fossil fuel economy.
** Chapter 3, p. 98.

* To some degree, all […] the non-fossil fuel energy sources […] depend on an underlying fossil fuel economy. You can’t manufacture metal wind turbines using wind energy technology. You can’t make lead-acid storage batteries for solar electric systems using any known solar energy systems.
** Chapter 3, p. 100.

* This age-old tendency of humans to believe in magical deliverance and to wish for happy outcomes has been aggravated by the very technological triumphs that the oil age brought into existence. Technology itself has become a […] supernatural force, one that has demonstrably delivered all kinds of miracles within the memory of many people now living […].
** Chapter 3, p. 101.

* Natural gas […] is not as versatile as gasoline, but it does a lot of tasks beautifully. Gas is the feedstock—the raw material—for a wide array of chemicals, pharmaceuticals, and plastics. Ninety-five percent of the nitrogenous fertilizers used in America are made […] of natural gas, and so it has become indispensable to U.S. agriculture.
** Chapter 3, p. 103.

* Both the mining and the washing [of hydrocarbons] require huge amounts of energy, and it has been proposed that any commercial exploitation of the [[w:Athabasca oil sands|Alberta tar sands]] would take 20 percent of [[Canada]]’s total natural gas production. In the long run, it might not be worth expending the energy from gas to get the energy from the tar sands. If oil from the tar sands themselves were used to process more tar sands, the return would be three barrels of oil for every two consumed. […] In the early days of conventional oil in [[Texas]], the {{w|ERoEI}} formula was very favorable, around twenty to one. The oil was found close to the surface on dry land in temperate places easy to work in, and it gushed out of the ground under its own pressure. […] Going a bit further, the fundamental equations that support all gigantic […] organisms, […] may no longer obtain, and human life would have to reorganize its activities on a different basis. Also, '''once these complex systems and their subsystems halt their operations, restarting them may range from difficult to impossible''' […].
** Chapter 3, p. 108.

* [[w:Ancient Roman architecture|Roman architecture]] would have been impossible without the complex socioeconomic platform of [the] empire. The medieval social platform for northern European life was less elaborate and […] less complex. Compare these two historical cases with the complexity of social and economic organization that allows oil to be extracted from the ground, refined to gasoline, transported six thousand miles, and used in a highly engineered, fine-tuned machine called a car, [to be] driven on a six-lane freeway. '''If the social and economic platform fails, how long before the knowledge base dissolves?''' Two hundred years from now, will anyone know how to build or even repair a 1962 Chrysler slant-six engine? Not to mention a Nordex 1500 kW wind turbine? […] The existing knowledge in basic physics and chemistry is so widespread that it is likely to persist quite a while into the future and provide a foundation for doing more with less than, say, the people of the eighteenth century were able to do with their more limited knowledge.
** Chapter 4, p. 130.

* We surely will have to reform our land-use habits and the oil-based transportation system that has allowed us to run our car-crazy suburban environments. We'll have to drastically change the way we grow our food and where we grow it. [The] social organization may be quite different in the decades ahead. Features of contemporary life that we have taken for granted [...] may fade into history. Politics that evolved to suit the [...] [industrial age] may morph beyond recognition [...].
** Chapter 4, p. 141.

* '''Our brains are […] not equipped to process events on the geologic scale'''—at least in reference to how we choose to live, or what we choose to do in the here-and-now.
** Chapter 5, p. 148.

* [Global warming] [...] happens to coincide with our imminent descent down the slippery slope of [...] [hydrocarbon] depletion, so that '''all the potential discontinuities of that epochal circumstance will be amplified, ramified, reinforced, and torqued by climate change.''' If global warming is a result of human activity, fossil fuel-based industrialism, [...] then it seems [...] the prospects are poor that […] human[s] […] will be able to do anything about it, because the journey down the oil depletion arc will be much more disorderly than the journey up was. '''The disruptions and hardships of decelerating industrialism will destabilize governments and societies to the degree that concerted international action [...] will never be carried out. In the chaotic world of diminishing and contested [...] resources, there will simply be a mad scramble to use up whatever [...] people can manage to lay their hands on.''' The very idea that we possess any control over the process seems to be further evidence of the delusion gripping our [...] culture [...].
** Chapter 5, p. 148–149.

* [...] Abrupt climate change may be normal in the planet's history, or, to state it differently, that the earth's [sic] climate is inherently very unstable.
** Chapter 5, p. 149. 

* Without the [[w:Gulf Stream|Gulf Stream]], [[United  Kingdom|Britain]], [[France]], the [[w:Low Countries|Low Countries]], and [[Scandinavia]] would have a climate like [[w:Labrador|Labrador]]’s, colder by {{convert|20|F|C}} in annual mean. The Gulf Stream has been likened to an oceanic conveyor belt. The force of the warm water flowing north has been described as equal to the volume of seventy-five [[w:Amazon River|Amazon river]]s.
** Chapter 5, p. 153.

* According to the {{w|IPCC}}, sea levels rose by ten to twenty centimeters during the twentieth century and are currently rising by about two millimeters a year, which is at the upper range of the rate of rise for the last century. With global warming accelerating, this is apt to increase. The accepted prediction is that sea levels will rise during the twenty-first century by about fifty centimeters, or a little under two feet, though some scientists predict a full meter. […] One-sixth of the people in the world live in coastal zones within one meter of sea level. This is the […] outside context problem so alien to contemporary experience that the public and its leaders can really find no way to process the information and figure out what to do about it—and for the excellent reason that it is not a problem with a direct solution. It is more a condition without a remedy. If the major shipping ports […] end up being submerged, humankind will just have to work around it. The disruptions to world trade might be epochal, gigantic, […] [and] tragic. It seems obvious that […] human[s] […] will simply have to adjust, even if that means adjusting to a new reality of severely lower expectations in living standards, comfort, and amenity. […] When the time comes, […] [we] will just have to move to higher ground. 
** Chapter 5, p. 162.

* Harvard biologist [[w:E. O. Wilson|Edward O. Wilson]] warns that [[China]]'s current program to mitigate huge population increases with gigantic water projects may have dire consequences. Irrigation and other withdrawals have already depleted the {{w|Yellow River}}, which, starting in 1972, has run bone-dry part of the year in {{w|Shandong}} province, where one-fifth of China's wheat and one-seventh of its corn is produced. In 1997, the river stopped flowing for a record 226 days. The groundwater levels of the northern China plains have plummeted. The water table in major grain-producing areas is falling at the rate of five feet a year. Of China's 617 cities, three hundred already face water shortages. Of China's approximately 23,000 miles of major rivers, 80 percent no longer support fish life. The [[w:Xiaolangdi Dam|Xiaolangdi dam project]] now underway along the Yellow River in north China is exceeded in size only by the {{w|Three Gorges Dam}} on the {{w|Yangtze}} in South China. In addition, the Chinese government intends to siphon water from the Yangtze […] and send it over by a canal system to the Yellow River and Beijing, respectively. When it is running, the Yellow River is already one of the most particle-laden in the world. Because of that, it is estimated that the Xiaolangdi dam would silt up within thirty years of completion. The […] project is reminiscent of another centrally planned mega-project that ended in grief: the [[Soviet Union]]'s scheme to drain the {{w|Aral Sea}} to irrigate gigantic cotton farms in [[Kazakhstan]]. The project turned one of the world's largest inland bodies of fresh water into [a] salty desert. The potential for calamity in China is therefore huge as it skirts a range of forces presented by the Long Emergency, any one of which, or some combination, could send it reeling over its tipping point: the effects of global climate change, competition for [every resource including] oil, extremes of pollution, disease, and war, either with its neighbors or internally. Despite the current veneer of prosperity and stability, China has tremendous potential for political chaos. As Wilson fearlessly points out, the pressure on China's agriculture and water resources is intensified by the predicament shared by many countries: runaway population growth [caused by industrialization]. '''Population growth rates may be mitigated […] from culture to culture by economic advance (which tends to lower reproductive rates by channeling women into the workplace), but economic development produces other [[w:Jevons paradox|not-so-benign consequences]].''' Developing [systems like] nation[-state]s invariably increase their energy use [as they grow complex]. More cars are used, more electricity [is] generated, [and] more greenhouse emissions [are] sent into the atmosphere. In the Long Emergency, […] “there will only be two types of nations: the over-developed and those which will never develop.” China may represent an amalgamation of those two conditions in one nation-state.
** Chapter 5, p. 163–164.

* Like China, the United States is divided […] in half between wet and dry. Though the human population of the United States is proportionately much smaller than China's, the amount of effort America has expended on manipulating habitats and altering terrain is as impressive in its own way as China's birthrate. Especially significant is the stupendous amount of paving laid down in the United States during the past hundred years. It prevents rain from being absorbed as groundwater and sends it instead into rivers, and […] into the ocean. The effect of this is the inability of water tables and wetlands to recharge and the diminishing ability of the terrain to support life. In the United States, only 2 percent of the country's rivers and wetlands remain free-flowing and undeveloped. As a result, the country has lost more than half of its wetlands.
** Chapter 5, p. 165.

* '''Climate change, competition for water, and polluted water sources will also be exacerbated by failures in the electric grid caused by oil and gas supply disruptions.''' Even if water is available, localities may lack the power to push it through their treatment plants and municipal pipes.
** Chapter 5, p. 166. 

* Fifty years of easy living with the miracle of antibiotics was a major contributor to the hubris that gripped the industrial nations in the early twenty-first century. Smallpox was eliminated except in strategic laboratory samples. Measles was conquered. Sexually transmitted diseases that used to leave people maimed and crazy were cured with one visit to the doctor. Many tropical diseases seemed to be on the wane as immunology and pharmacology bolstered widespread progress in sanitation and nutrition. The vanquishing of disease represented a [...] meta-victory by [hu]mankind over a much greater set of enemies than the parochial combatants of our geopolitical wars. Indeed, these great advances of medical science against disease took place against the backdrop of war. The United States emerged victorious from [[w:World War II|the last [...] world war]], having defeated manifest political evil, armed with penicillin and sulfa drugs. The postwar antibiotic miracle contributed to a false sense of security in the public and a sense of [...] omnipotence [...].
** Chapter 5, p. 167.

* '''As the struggle over the remaining oil and gas intensifies, larger numbers of economic losers will be created''', and those economic losers will be underfed, ill-housed, poorly doctored, badly informed, badly behaved, and subject to plummeting life expectancies.
** Chapter 5, p. 170.

* Despite miraculous advances in medical technology, genetic typing, and immunology, [...] [we] are not much better prepared for a severe flu epidemic than they were for [[w:Spanish flu|the 1918 outbreak]]. Epidemic influenza is extremely difficult to counteract. Flu vaccines developed in any given year are notoriously ineffective against new strains that come along the following year. It takes seven months or more to create, test, manufacture, and distribute a vaccine developed in direct response to a new virus, and by that time the disease can burn through global populations. '''If a pandemic broke out today, hospital facilities would be overwhelmed. Nurses and doctors would be infected along with the rest of the population.'''
** Chapter 5, p. 173.

* {{w|Operation Dark Winter}} employed a cast of volunteers […] to act out roles following a script in which a terrorist released smallpox in one eastern U.S. city. The result was sobering to an extreme. The public health system virtually collapsed. Hospitals degenerated into chaos. Smallpox spread to twenty-five states and overseas. The national stockpile of vaccines proved to be deeply inadequate. The exercise was called off after four days from the sheer exhaustion of the participants, while the fictional epidemic was still spreading. 
** Chapter 5, p. 176.

* The [[w:Germ theory of disease|germ theory]], which emerged in the late nineteenth century, focused the world's attention on the specific agents responsible for [...] diseases, but the [physical,] social and ecological contexts are equally important, and these are now coming more prominently into play with world population well beyond the limits of the earth's [sic] [...] [optimum] carrying capacity and with climate change [...] in progress. [...] Ecological [...] [pressures], rapid changes in land use, penetration of formerly inaccessible habitats, and disturbed migration routes can lead to the appearance or diffusion of a disease. While we may be able to identify [some, if not all] the microorganisms involved, we can be helpless in the face of it, and our behavior may still promote its spread.
** Chapter 5, p. 177.

* [...] The disturbance of global oil markets as the permanent energy crisis begins is liable to interrupt global commerce and global travel. Fewer […] will fly [...]. However, these same energy problems will surely reduce crop production, which would lead to reduced food aid to desperate populations [...], which would then lead to compromised immune systems and the [...] [invasion] of poor, hungry, and [...] unhealthy people [...]. This is an obvious recipe for conflict and woe. Where the refugee camps [are] set up, [the] disease will surely follow.
** Chapter 5, p. 178.

* '''The attrition of global populations by disease[s] may be unavoidable.''' Some [...] may regard it as the inevitable revenge of nature against the hubris of a human species arrogantly exceeding the carrying capacity of its habitat. Some may regard it as a moral victory against wickedness. Some may view it in the therapeutic mode as a positive development for the health of the planet. Many self-conscious &quot;humanists&quot; have militated for the goal of reducing population growth —though most of them would have [...] preferred widespread birth control [using contraceptive methods like the birth pill and condoms, ironically made from cheap oil] to a die-off. [Contraceptive methods] might have been just another product of the narcotic comfort of cheap oil [...]. Apart from these issues of attitude and ethics, however, a major decline in [...] population [...] is apt to have profound and strange repercussions on everyday life. 
** Chapter 5, p. 178.

* [...] We [...] flatter ourselves to think that we are above this kind of general catastrophe—because our [...] prowess during the [...] [industrial age] was so marvelous that all future problems are (supposedly) guaranteed to be solved by similar applications of ingenuity. This was certainly the consensus among the scientists, computer geniuses, and biotech millionaires [...]. They were uniformly uninterested in the issues of the global oil peak and natural gas depletion and utterly convinced that the industrial societies would be rescued by hydrogen, wind power, and solar electricity, all to be figured out by their cohort techno-geniuses in [...] time. If there is anything we have been stupendously bad at in the preceding century of wonders, it is recognizing the diminishing returns of our [...] [technological] prowess. Some of our greatest achievements, [...] have produced dreadful diminishing returns [...]. This persistent failure or weakness [...] negates the value of our ability to see what's coming. [...] Rather than [...] progress, we are more likely to see [...] the loss of information, ability, and confidence. 
** Chapter 5, p. 181.

* Many individual immune systems will be compromised by the hardships of the Long Emergency and disease will seize the opportunities presented, as it always has. [...] Millions [and perhaps billions] of human beings are going to die.
** Chapter 5, p. 182.

* As hunger and hardship increase, the world may see more than one wave of more than one disease. If [...] an influenza pandemic emerges, for instance, many [...] will succumb [...]. [...] The age-old human enemies [...] will be on hand with new immunity to the old techno-tricks of the [nineteenth and] twentieth [...] [centuries]. [...] Nobody really knows where that is taking us, though we do know that [...] [our ancestors] endured more than one ice age in the past.
** Chapter 5, p. 182–183.

* The current urban population of the world […] is greater than the entire population of the world in 1960. Seventy-eight percent of the urban dwellers in the so-called developing world live in slums. From the West African littoral to the mountainsides of the {{w|Andes}} to the banks of the {{w|Nile}}, the {{w|Ganges}}, the {{w|Mekong}}, and the {{w|Irrawaddy}}, new gigantic slums spread like immense laboratory growth media, waiting to host epidemic disease cultures. {{w|Lagos}}, [[Nigeria]], for example, grew from a city of 300,000 in 1950 to over ten million today. But Lagos, writes [[w:Mike Davis (scholar)|Mike Davis]], &quot;is simply the biggest node in the shanty-town corridor of 70 million people that stretches from {{w|Abidjan}} to {{w|Ibadan}}: probably the biggest continuous footprint of urban poverty on earth.&quot; Most of the world's new, exploding slums have only the most rudimentary sanitary arrangements, open sewers running along the corridor-like &quot;streets.&quot; In the slums of Bombay, there is an estimated one toilet per five hundred inhabitants. Currently, two million children die every year from waste-contaminated water in the world's slums. The enormity of this urban disaster is poorly comprehended in advanced nations like the United States, where the drinking water is still safe and even the poor have flush toilets connected to real sewers. But '''the slums of the world will […] be the breeding ground of the next pandemic''', and chances are, once it is underway, the wealthy nations will not be spared. 
** Chapter 5, p. 183.

* The entropic mess that our economy has become is the final blowoff of […] industrialism. The destructive practices known as &quot;free-market globalism&quot; were engendered by our run-up to and arrival at the world oil production peak. It was the logical climax of the oil &quot;story.&quot; It required the breakdown of all previous constraints […] to maximize the present at the expense of the future and to do so for the benefit of a very few at the expense of the many. […] Free-market globalism became the reigning orthodoxy […], challenged only by cranks wearing nose-rings at the very margins of society. '''The moment that the world recognizes the passing of the oil production peak as a reality, globalism will be dead both in theory and practice.'''
** Chapter 6, p. 185.

* Globalism was operated by oligarchical corporations on the gigantic scale, made possible by cheap oil. By “oligarchical” I mean that power was vested in small numbers of people running large organizations who were not accountable for their actions to many of the people who were subject to those actions. By “corporation,” I mean a group enterprise given the legal status of a “person,” with “rights,” but in fact devoid of any human qualities of ethics, humility, mercy, duty, or loyalty that would constrain those rights. As Wendell Berry put it, “a corporation […] is a pile of money to which a number of persons have sold their moral allegiance… It can experience no personal hope or remorse. No change of heart. It cannot humble itself. It goes about its business as if it were immortal, with the single purpose of becoming a bigger pile of money.
** Chapter 6, p. 186.

* The free-market part of the equation referred to the putative benefit of unrestrained economic competition between individuals, and because corporations enjoyed the legal status of persons, they were assumed to be on an equal footing with other persons in a given locality. Thus, Wal-Mart was considered the theoretical equal of Bob the appliance store owner, and if Bob happened to lose in the retail competition because he couldn't order 50,000 coffeemakers at a crack from a factory 12,000 miles away in {{w|Hangzhou}}, and receive a deep discount for being such an important customer, well, it wasn't as though he hadn't been given the chance.
** Chapter 6, p. 187.

* Cheap oil had allowed populations to explode in precisely those parts of the world that had had, for millennia, a high infant mortality rate and modest life expectancy. Cheap oil was behind the &quot;green revolution&quot; that increased the food supply in the nonindustrial world. Oil was also behind many of the medicines and preventives that had neutralized […] diseases. Now, suddenly, most of those children […] survived, grew up and produced more children who survived and grew up, and over the course of the twentieth century, the global populations hurtled into extreme numerical overshoot. Populations were, in effect, eating oil, notably in food exports from the United States, where agribusiness had completely taken over from agriculture. Local farmers in Africa, Asia, or South America couldn’t compete with corporate [[w:ADM (company)|Archer Daniels Midland]]’s oil-and-gas-based grain crops and U.S. government subsidies. There was no point in even bringing their hardscrabble crops to market when sacks of cheap American wheat sat on the docks of [[w:Busan|Pusan]] or [[Colombo]]. Farmers in those places felt that they had no choice but to migrate to the city and find some other way to get by. The only comparative advantage that these people possessed was their willingness to work for next to nothing. '''Cheap oil and free-market globalism turned comparative advantage into a new kind of feudalism, with the corporations as the lords and the overabundant locals as the serfs.''' And then, when the comparative advantage of cheap labor […] of one place, […] was superseded by the cheaper labor […] of another place, […] the corporations just moved their operations.
** Chapter 6, p. 187–188.

* The idea of comparative advantage works when there is a complex local economy intact in the background of each trading partner’s specialized item of production, with a variety of social roles and occupational niches to support the long-term project of community. But a locality geared to doing only one thing for export is […] a slave system based on the extractive economics of mining. […] One group had all the cheap labor, and another group had all the capital, and for a while, one group made all the things that the other group “consumed.” Thus, comparative advantage became, for a time, a con game strictly for the benefit of large corporations, which ended up enjoying all the advantages while the localities sucked up the costs.
** Chapter 6, p. 188.

* The corporations benefiting from this regime often had no physical home of their own, even in their country of origin—and not a few American corporations had moved their official address to [[w:Tax haven|Caribbean pseudo nations]], where the banking and tax laws were more agreeable. The corporations had no allegiance to any […] place or the people of that place, so the destruction they wreaked was as manifest in the ravaged towns of [[Ohio]] and upstate [[New York City|New York]] as in the environmental degradation of [[China]]. America was hardly immune to the consequences of free-market globalism. In effect, the American heartland was overtaken by a new […] corporate colonialism, emanating from our own culture, but no less destructive than the imposition of foreign rule.
** Chapter 6, p. 188–189.

* Did Americans sell out their towns, their neighbors, the memory of their ancestors, and the future of their grandchildren because they were helplessly in thrall to the blandishments of a cheap-oil economy? I honestly don’t know, though I tend to view the outcome as the result of many collective bad choices made by the public and its leaders. But were those choices inescapable? Certainly, the process was insidious and played out over several generations. 
** Chapter 6, p. 189-190.

* There have to be limits. If we project “housing starts” ninety-nine years forward at current rates, there wouldn’t be a single build-able quarter-acre lot left in the world. Not a few economists would rationalize this outcome by declaring that ninety-nine years from now we will have colonies on the [[moon]] or [[Mars]] or under the {{w|Sea of Cortez}}. Or that technology coupled with human ingenuity will solve the problem some other way, […] by genetically reengineering human beings to be one inch tall or booting all our consciousnesses into computer servers where unlimited numbers of virtual people could dwell in unlimited virtual environments of endless cyberspace.
** Chapter 6, p. 192-193.

* It is assumed now that human beings, prompted by the market, will employ ingenuity to discover a substitute for oil and gas, once the price starts to ramp up beyond the “affordable” range. This assumption is apt to prove fallacious because […] the laws of thermodynamics state that energy can’t be created out of nothing, only changed from low entropy to high entropy, and that we have already changed the half [or perhaps a fraction] of our [planet's] oil endowment that was easiest to get into dispersed carbon dioxide, which is now ratcheting up global warming and climate change, which might well put the industrial adventure out of business before human ingenuity can come up with a substitute for oil.
** Chapter 6, p. 194.

* […] The […] oil-fueled boom that energized the suburban expansion of the 1920s brought turmoil and trouble to the farm economy. Thirty percent of the U.S. population still lived on farms in the 1920s. U.S. farmers had done well during World War I, exporting grain to a Europe that had become a shell-blasted battlefield. By the early 1920s, though, Europeans were able to feed themselves again. Meanwhile, the introduction of the tractor and the mechanization of farming in the United States led quickly to massive overproduction of grain. Unable any longer to pawn off the surplus on Europe, America suffered a crash in grain prices. '''The farm depression, which preceded the financial depression by half a decade, was a self-reinforcing feedback loop. As the market prices of corn and wheat plunged, farmers desperately tried to make up for low prices by producing more, which the domestic markets could not absorb, leading to even greater surpluses and more depressed prices.'''
** Chapter 6, p. 204.

* By the mid-1920s, the great wave of immigration suddenly ended. The [[w:Immigration Act of 1924|National Origins Act of 1924]] and other measures set new highly restrictive immigration quotas that cut new admissions to 2 percent of each nationality from the 1890 census. This choked off what had been a constant half-century-long demographic subsidy of ever more customers for U.S. manufacturers.
** Chapter 6, p. 205.

* Finance came to be viewed as a productive activity itself rather than a means to promote production. The public was no longer buying stock to invest in enterprises that would pay dividends over time, but merely because one could get rich from buying and selling stocks. As more people bought in, stock prices climbed still higher—a dangerous positive feedback loop.
** Chapter 6, p. 205-206.

* [...] The human race living off the &quot;drawdown&quot; of nonrenewable fossil fuel resources is the equivalent of the algae [...] enjoying a temporary rush of nutrients [...] [or a star burning more hydrogen than it could].
** Chapter 6, p. 208.

* The entropy produced in [[World War II]] was much more widespread and profound than that of World War I. In [[World War I]] the action had taken place […] entirely on rural terrain, classic battlefields. In World War II, much of the warfare was urban. The long-range bomber had reached a high stage of refinement in the twenty-plus years between world wars. None of the major capitals had been damaged in World War I. In World War II, hundreds of towns and cities were destroyed in Europe and Asia. Berlin was reduced to gravel; London was badly mutilated; and, of course, Hiroshima and Nagasaki became radioactive ashtrays. The casualties of World War I had been enormous, astonishing, [and] appalling beyond civilized peoples’ wildest dreams, but the victims had been overwhelmingly soldiers. The casualties in World War II were overwhelmingly civilians and in much greater aggregate numbers.
** Chapter 6, p. 212–213.

* '''[[American Dream|American life]], with its twin engines of suburbanization and factory production of consumer goods for the […] world, became so quickly and obviously successful''' that a new consensus formed supporting the value of the dollar and its paper accessories in capital markets, chiefly stocks, and bonds. This is not to say that the securities markets boomed in the 1950s and 1960s —it took until then just to recover the value levels of the pre-1929 crash —but stocks and bonds did regain respectability, [and] legitimacy. Those who had lived through the Great Depression, meaning virtually all the men who had served in the wartime army, had very modest expectations about the role of finance in the postwar economy. In the 1950s and 1960s, Americans bought stocks for the annual dividends they paid, not to flip them for a quick profit. In fact, share prices remained […] very flat during this period. The whole notion of investment was different than it would become later in the twentieth century. In the 1950s and 1960s, stock and bond values were linked much more directly with the successful production of real goods. General Motors derived its profits and paid its dividends on the basis of auto sales, not as today, primarily from leveraging interest rates and other abstract numbers' games removed from the actual making of products. In sum, the public attitude about the role of finance was extremely conservative. Finance was not an “industry” per se, but a set of institutions designed to keep the idea of money and its accessories credible, […] to allow real industries to function.
** Chapter 6, p. 215.

* Banking also regained respectability after the calamities of the 1930s. Federal deposit insurance, which had been instituted in the depths of the Great Depression, and only for deposits under $2,500, was raised to $10,000 in 1950, and the middle class was induced to feel confident about keeping its money in banks again. Interest rates remained modest, but so did inflation. The influx of savings made money available in capital markets to invest in new ventures. It was real money derived from work already done, pay already earned, true capital. Before the great orgy of mergers and consolidation that began in the 1970s, retail banking was […] local and community-centered. Bankers made loan decisions based on firsthand knowledge of projects going on in their communities—not, as today, based on bundling and selling clumps of mortgages for generic suburban developments they have never laid eyes on.
** Chapter 6, p. 216.

* The rebellion of the [[Hippie|hippie]]s […] based itself on the notion that abundance was a natural entitlement, and one could &quot;drop out&quot; of an insecure, deadly, and frightening industrial culture to live off the fat of the land. It was inescapably a jejune philosophy, fraught with contradictions. For the hippies, the natural order of things included items such as stereo record players, electric guitars, motor vehicles for adventuring around the country, cheap bulk whole grains, and other products of an oil-intensive industrial way of life. '''The hippie platform […] with all its mystical incunabula, rested on the platform of “normal” [[American Dream|American life]] and would have been impossible without it.'''
** Chapter 6, p. 217.

* At the start of the [[w:1980s oil glut|oil glut]], a climactic set of economic relations took shape led by Prime Minister [[Margaret Thatcher]] (and joined eagerly by President Reagan and his advisors) that would be called “globalism.” It was not so much a new idea as the logical and inevitable result of mature self-organizing systems elaborating themselves under the influence of renewed, immense energy inputs—the ultimate cheap-oil way of doing business in the [supposedly] closed system that is the planet [[Earth]]. It entailed the maximization of short-term profit and the minimization of care for future generations. It was the ultimate generator of entropy.
** Chapter 6, p. 219.

* In America, globalism meant the accelerated dismantling of the nation's manufacturing base and its reassignment to other countries where labor was dirt cheap and environmental regulations did not apply. It also meant the ramping up of a “service economy” or, more properly, the myth of a service economy to replace the old manufacturing economy. […] It was […] absurd. It was like the old joke about the village that prospered because the inhabitants were all employed taking in each other’s laundry. In fact, far fewer actual things of value were being created in the service economy. […] It was assumed, for instance, that computers […] boosted productivity. Much of that gain was either illusory or fraught with collateral social and economic losses of other kinds. Companies that reported higher productivity were shedding employees like mad and the entire ethos of work in America was being transformed from one of [the] people having secure careers and permanent positions with reliable companies to one of institutionalized insecurity for […] everyone below top management in a new general atmosphere of Darwinian corporate ruthlessness—under the rubric of &quot;free-market competition.&quot;
** Chapter 6, p. 220.

* '''What one also saw in the America of the 1980s and 1990s was commoditization and conversion of public goods into private luxuries, the impoverishment of the civic realm, and, to put it bluntly, the rape of the landscape—a vast entropic enterprise that was the culminating phase of suburbia.''' The dirty secret of the American economy in the 1990s was that it was no longer about anything except the creation of suburban sprawl and the furnishing, accessorizing, and financing of it. It resembled the efficiency of cancer. Nothing else really mattered except building suburban houses, trading away the mortgages, selling the multiple cars needed by the inhabitants, upgrading the roads into commercial strip highways with all the necessary shopping infrastructure, and moving vast supplies of merchandise made in China for next to nothing to fill up those houses. The economy of suburban sprawl was a systemic self-organizing response to the availability of inordinately cheap oil with ever-increasing entropy expressed in an ever-increasing variety of manifestations from the destruction of farmland to the decay of the cities, to widespread psychological depression, to the rash of school shooting sprees, to epidemic obesity. Americans didn’t question the validity of the suburban sprawl economy. They accepted it at face value as the obvious logical outcome of their hopes and dreams and defended it viciously against criticism. They steadfastly ignored its salient characteristic: that it had no future either as an economy or as a living arrangement. Each further elaboration of the suburban system made it less likely to survive any change in conditions, most particularly any change in the equations of cheap oil. It wasn't until the traumas of the 1970s that the finance sector mutated from being an adjunct of the industrial economy to becoming an “industry” in its own right helping to “drive” the economy. '''Among the distortions and perversions engendered by the “stagflation” economy was the rise of corporate cannibalism in the form of “creative” mergers and acquisitions, specifically hostile takeovers, the aggressive use of voting stock shares to gain control of companies that did not wish to sell, with the subsequent filleting and sell-off of assets, and discarding of the bones and offal (employee payrolls and obligations, careers, livelihoods, communities).'''
** Chapter 6, p. 222–223.

* In the face of the things like the {{w|Dot-com bubble|dot-com meltdown}}, the {{w|LTCM}} scare, the {{w|Enron scandal}}, and other disasters that eroded the notional value of financial paper, homeownership itself was now turned into a magical generator of unearned riches for both borrowers and lenders. It was consistent with the [[Las Vegas]]-ization of the national moral sense, chiefly the increasingly popular belief at every level of American life that it really was possible to get something for nothing. Anyone could see this in the easy public acceptance of gambling as okay and the proliferation of casinos everywhere in the land. Not even the evangelical Christians seemed to mind. There is no such thing as intrinsic value in a house. A huge percentage of the public has now put its net worth into something that […] isn't an investment. Apart from false econometrics of rising house valuations and the leverage that affords for raising cash within the context of the current lending rackets, a house is much more of a consumer product than an investment, especially the kind of houses built in recent decades in America, namely stapled-together boxes made of particle board and plastic cladding that require continual reinvestment in petty cash and labor for upkeep, and will probably not hold their value, even if well cared for, because of poor locational choices. A house on a one-acre lot in a subdivision in {{w|Loudoun County, Virginia}}, thirty-two miles from downtown [[Washington, D.C.|Washington]], […] a magnificent thing to behold today, with a soaring lawyer-foyer entrance, a restaurant-grade kitchen, and an inground pool out back. But if there is less gasoline to power up the fleet of cars necessary to service it, and no natural gas to heat the thousand-square-foot cathedral-ceilinged lawyer foyer, then chances are that the house is going to be a liability rather than an asset.
** Chapter 6, p. 229.

* The supernaturally low-interest rates provoked an orgy of buying and the orgy of buying bid up the prices of the houses, and as the prices of the houses levitated, the owners entered another new and strange zone of hallucinated wealth accumulation using the latest contrivance: the refinanced mortgage. Re-fi's allowed house owners to use their houses as though they were automatic teller machines. Say a person bought a house in 1999 for $250,000 and the house was appraised in 2003 at $400,000; that person could refinance with a substantial &quot;cash out&quot; privilege, converting the imagined increase of value into disposable income, which could then be used to buy motorboats, home theater plasma TV screens, or trips to Las Vegas. Refinancing prestidigitated an estimated $1.6 trillion for the American economy over a five-year period, and much of that &quot;money&quot; was deployed purchasing &quot;consumer&quot; goods—mostly made outside the United States. From 1999 to 2004 […] a third of all house owners indulged in cash-out re-fi mortgages. […] Behind every extravagant cash extraction lay the belief that at some future date the house would be worth a lot more than the re-fi price and could be readily flipped.
** Chapter 6, p. 231.

* After the mid-1990s, there was hardly a technical distinction to be made anymore between high-risk borrowers and everybody else in the casino atmosphere of [North] America[n] society. No one was at risk anymore because in the something-for-nothing economy it was impossible to be a loser. Or so went the herd thinking. […] It is […] likely that the housing bubble will have begun to come to grief.
** Chapter 6, p. 232.

* The failure of the [[w:Government-sponsored enterprise|GSE]]s would make the [[w:Savings and loan crisis|S&amp;L fiasco of the 1980s]] look like a bad night of poker. The failure of the GSEs would pose a far graver situation than the [[w:Long-Term Capital Management|LTCM]] flameout. It could easily bring on cascading failures that might jeopardize global finance. This time, the […] public would feel the pain.
** Chapter 6, p. 233.

* If the folks who lived along this highway put in gardens to make up for the escalating inadequacies of an industrial farming system starved for fossil fuel “inputs,” would they be able to feed themselves? '''Did any vernacular knowledge survive in a populace conditioned to think that food came from the supermarket? Did they know anything about cabbage loopers, powdery mildew, or anthracnose? Would they be able to prevent catastrophic crop loss? How would they defend their crops against deer, rabbits, [and] woodchucks? Would any of them know how to build a garden wall or even a fence? Where would they get fencing material? Would they have to sit out among the potato hills and the bean rows at night with loaded shotguns? And what would they do for light when they heard something munching out there? Would they know how to keep chicken, sheep, [and] cattle, including breeding and birthing them?'''
** Chapter 7, p. 237.

* Because […] systems are self-organizing in the face of circumstance, the big questions are '''how much disorder must we endure as things change, and how hard will we struggle to continue a particular way of life with no future?''' […] The U.S. economy of the decades to come will center on farming, not high-tech, […] “information,” or “services,” or space travel, […] tourism, or finance. All other activities will be secondary to food production, which will require much more human labor. 
** Chapter 7, p. 239.

* [...] [Everything] [...] tend[s] toward diminishing returns and unsustainability, [...] even in the short term.
** Chapter 7, p. 240.

* A hundred years ago, just before the introduction of the fossil fuel-based technologies, more than 30 percent of the American population was engaged in farming. Now the figure is 1.6 percent. The issue is not moral, academic, or aesthetic. […] It’s a matter of those ratios being made possible only because cheap oil and automation made up for so much human labor.
** Chapter 7, p. 241.

* The energy disruptions of the Long Emergency are going to remind us that the skyscraper was an experimental building form.
** Chapter 7, p. 253.

* The lucky suburbanites will be the ones with the forethought to trade in their suburban McHouses for property in the towns and small cities and prepare for a vocational life doing something useful and practical on the small scale. 
** Chapter 7, p. 256.

* Wal-Mart will not be able to profitably run its “warehouse on wheels” when the price of oil fluctuates chronically. […] We will never again experience the explosion of products, choices, and nonstop marketing that characterized the late twentieth century. The public may look back on the big-box shopping era with deep and mournful nostalgia, but we are apt to discover that happiness is still possible without the extraordinary advertising-driven compulsive materialism of recent decades. '''We will still have commerce. We will have [a] trade. There will be shopping. We will have […] medium of exchange. But we are not going to live in a perpetual blue-light special sale of cornucopian wretched excess.'''
** Chapter 7, p. 257.

* Even if we can’t get all the tools and the products we currently enjoy, we will retain a lot of basic knowledge that the people of Jefferson’s day just didn’t have. For instance, we will still understand that infections and many diseases are caused by microorganisms, not bad air, phases of the moon, or evil spells and that knowledge alone confers powerful advantages in daily living.
** Chapter 7, p. 258.

* '''Large-scale corporate enterprise has brought humankind much material comfort in two centuries but at the price of fantastic unintended consequences (externalized costs) ranging from the destruction of local communities to climate change. Large-scale corporations will be vulnerable to the collapse of capital formation markets that must accompany the end of the cheap oil fiesta. Corporate enterprise can certainly be reorganized on the small, local community scale, but it will not be the same as {{w|General Motors}}. Corporate enterprise in the Long Emergency may revert to being more public in nature and far less sovereign in power.''' There may be one exception: The most visible […] corporate organization that might survive the Long Emergency may be the church. Whether Catholic or Pentecostal or something new we haven't seen yet; the church won't have to rely on oil supplies. Organized religion doesn't have to traffic in awkward material products, only in beliefs, and it can operate at many scales simultaneously. Because American culture is constitutionally allergic to religious governance, we may have problems if churches are the only large organizations left standing—that is, assuming we still have the same constitution.
** Chapter 7, p. 259.

* We should […] conclude that the abandoned big-box structures will not last more than one generation under any circumstances. […] The same thing can be said about malls, strip malls, and chain restaurant buildings. Eventually, they will be the salvage yards and mines of the future.
** Chapter 7, p. 261.

* One final thing worth noting on the subject of rail: From 1890 to about 1920, American localities managed to construct hundreds of local and interurban streetcar lines that added up to a magnificent national system (independent of the national heavy rail system). Except for two twenty-mile gaps in New York state, one could ride the trolley lines from [[New England]] clear out to Wisconsin. The story of the conspiracy by General Motors and other companies to destroy the U.S. interurban system is well documented. The salient point, however, is how rapidly the system was created in the first place, and how marvelously well it served the public in the period before the automobile became established.
** Chapter 7, p. 268-269.

* It's hard to imagine a more purposeless activity than American-style high school in our time. […] The public questions its basic premises or mode of operation any more than the public questions the economy of suburban sprawl. But [the] high school in our time amounts to little more than daycare for virtual adults in which some learning might incidentally take place, much of it of dubious value.
** Chapter 7, p. 271.

* The Southwest also faces increasing friction with adjoining [[Mexico]]. This is not a racist provocation but a description of reality. '''No other first-world country has such an extensive land frontier with a third-world country. The income gap between the United States and Mexico is greater than that between any other two contiguous countries in the world.'''
** Chapter 7, p. 275.

* In any case, it is human nature to consider a place “home” if you were born there, or have family there, or have spent some portion of your life there, and people are naturally reluctant to leave home. I daresay that many Americans now living in the Southwest will not be disposed to understand what is really happening—that the carrying capacity of their home region has been suddenly and drastically reduced—and they will hunker down hoping for a return to better times.
** Chapter 7, p. 279.

* After air conditioning became widely affordable, southerners hardly went outside anymore, unless it was in a motor vehicle. Anything about southern vernacular architecture that once had been graceful in adapting to the climate was cast aside for the pleasures of air conditioning and cheapness of construction.
** Chapter 7, p. 283.

* The Long Emergency will cause unprecedented social and economic dislocation, and the outcome may be a world we would barely recognize. The [...] egalitarian society we knew in the [...] twentieth century may become drastically more hierarchical as large numbers of desperate people place themselves in the service of those who control land, especially following a period of anarchy. Under such harsh conditions, the weaker individuals will sell their allegiance in return for security.
** Chapter 7, p. 286–287.

* The gigantic smear of suburbia that runs […] without interruption from north of Boston through Connecticut, New York, New Jersey, Baltimore, Washington, and northern Virginia is not going to be a happy place.
** Chapter 7, p. 291.

* The circumstances of the Long Emergency will be the opposite of what we currently experience. '''There will be hunger instead of plenty, cold where there was once warmth, effort where there was once leisure, sickness where there was health, and violence where there was peace.''' We will have to adjust our attitudes, values, and ideas to accommodate these new circumstances and we may not recognize the people will soon become or the people we once were. In a world where sheer survival dominates all other concerns, a tragic view of life is apt to reassert itself. This is another way of saying that we will become keenly aware of the limitations of human nature [...]. Life will get much more real.
** Chapter 7, p. 303.

* '''I’m aware of having already lived more than a half-century through the greatest fiesta of luxury, comfort, and leisure that the world has ever known.''' I enjoyed central heating, air conditioning, cheap airfares, cable TV, advanced orthopedic surgery, and computers.
** Chapter 7, p. 304.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.kunstler.com/ James Howard Kunstler home page]
* [http://jameshowardkunstler.typepad.com/ Comment on current events by Jim Kunstler]
* [http://www.ted.com/talks/view/id/121 TED Talks: James Howard Kunstler dissects suburbia] at [[Wikipedia:TED (conference)|TED]] in 2004

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[[Category:People from New York City]]
[[Category:1948 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]

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'''[[W:James Howard Kunstler|James Howard Kunstler]]''' (born [[October 19]], [[1948]], New York City, New York) is an American author, social critic, public speaker, and blogger.

== Quotes ==
* As modern interpolators might say, the bubonic plague winnowed down Europe’s population to a scale more congenial with its resource base. After that big first wave of the disease, [the] land was cheaper and human labor better rewarded. Eventually, more food got around. Incidentally, '''the plague provoked nostalgia for the classical antiquity of [[Greece]] and [[Rome]], especially among the scholars of [[Florence]], launching the extravaganzas of the [[Renaissance]], the [[Age of Enlightenment|Enlightenment]], and eventually our own pageant of techno-supremacist [[Modernity]].'''
** &quot;Dance Macabre,&quot; May 18, 2020.
* […] Life is tragic and history won’t shed a tear for us if we make poor collective decisions, or adopt beliefs that are inconsistent with reality.
** &quot;The Old American Dream Is a Nightmare,&quot; March 9, 2011.

=== ''[[w:World Made by Hand|World Made by Hand]]'' (2008) ===
Kunstler, James Howard. ''World Made by Hand''. New York, NY: Grove Press, 2008. Print. {{ISBN|978-0-8021-4401-0}}.

* In the early twenty-first century [[farming]] had all but died out here. We got our food from the supermarket, and not everybody cared where the supermarket got it as long as it was there on the shelves. A few elderly dairymen hung on. Many let their fields and pastures go to scrub. Some sold out to what used to be called developers, and they'd put in five or ten poorly build houses. Now, in the new times, there were far fewer people, and many houses outside [the] town were being taken down for their materials. Farming was back. That was the only way we got food.
** Chapter 1, p. 5

* We lived more by the sun than by the clock, but I did own a clock. It was an eight-day windup console clock which I kept on the mantel in the living room, and it was the only timepiece in the house that worked anymore.
** Chapter 4, p. 20

* Living by the clock was an old habit that died hard. Not much that we did required punctuality, but people still wanted to know what time it was.
** Chapter 4, p. 20

* The racket was coming over what used to be our public radio station, WAMC out of [[Wikipedia:Albany, New York|Albany]], but the familiar [...] voices [...] were long gone. Some febrile evangelist was railing from the [[Book of Revelation]].
** Chapter 4, p. 20

* I switched on the television on the outside chance that something might come through. Nothing had been on for years. The local network affiliates withered away after the national network of cable channels went out until there was nothing. 
** Chapter 4, p. 20–21

* I searched the FM band but there was nothing besides other pious pleaders, and they didn't come in too well. The AM band offered about the same thing, only with worse reception, nothing remotely describable as news, and no music because commercial entertainment as we knew it was no more, and its handmaiden, advertising had gone with it.
** Chapter 4, p. 21

* I had one of those steel thermal mugs you carried everywhere with you as a kind of signifier of how busy, and therefore how important you were.
** Chapter 4, p. 22

* It was obvious there would be no return to [what we used to call] &quot;normality.&quot; The [resource-intensive] economy wouldn't be coming back. [[Wikipedia:Globalism|Globalism]] was over. The politicians and generals were failing to pull things together at the center. We would not be returning to Boston. The computer industry, in which so many hopes had been vested, was fading into history.
** Chapter 4, p. 24

* In a world that had become a salvage operation, the general supply evolved into Union Grove's leading industry. When every last useful thing in town had been stripped from the [[Wikipedia:Kmart|Kmart]] and the United Auto, the [[Wikipedia:CVS Pharmacy|CVS drugstore]], and other trading establishments of the bygone national chain-store economy, daily life became a perpetual flea market centered on the old town dump.
** Chapter 5, p. 28

* We regarded [[Wikipedia:Opium|opium]] as a godsend. It did not develop into an illicit trade, though. There was no legal prohibition, no police running around trying to suppress drugs, driving up the price artificially, and no marketing system. There were no distant markets to send it to because shipping anything was slow at best and often unreliable, and travel was something you just didn't do anymore. Anybody could grow their own [[Wikipedia:Papaver somniferum|poppies]] or buy raw opium paste from one of the growers. Farmers made more money growing raspberries or asparagus. They grew poppies as a public service. A few people took to smoking opium, but those with an extremely apathetic attitude toward survival tended not to last long in the new disposition of things.
** Chapter 5, p. 30

* Children [...] had sat in those very box buildings under buzzing fluorescent lights listening to their science teachers prattle about the wonders of space travel and gene splicing and how we were all going to live to be a hundred and twenty-five years old in &quot;smart&quot; computer-controlled houses where all we had to do was speak to bump up the heat or turn on giant home theater screens in a life of perpetual leisure and comfort. It made me sick to think about. Not because there's something necessarily wrong with leisure or comfort, but because that's where our aspirations ended. And in the face of what had actually happened to us, it seemed obscenely stupid.
** Chapter 6, p. 33–34

* Motion is a great tranquilizer.
** Chapter 6, p. 34

* Few dogs were around anymore. Some had been eaten during the hunger that followed the flu in the spring of that year. People didn't talk about it; it was so demoralizing.
** Chapter 7, p. 36

* Jesus [...] look how we live? I'm practically a serf.
** Chapter 7, p. 37

* You could argue people are generally better off now mentally than they were back then. We follow the natural cycles. We eat real food instead of processed crap full of chemicals. We're not jacked up on coffee and television and [...] advertising all the time. No more anxiety about credit card bills.
** Chapter 7, p. 37–38

* We all knew the apparatus of justice had dissolved.
** Chapter 12, p. 57

* As the world changed, we reverted to social divisions that we'd thought were obsolete. The egalitarian pretenses of the high-octane decades had dissolved, and nobody even debated it anymore, including the women of our town. A plain majority of the townspeople were laborers now, whatever in life they had been before. Nobody in town called them peasants, but in effect, that's what they'd become. That's just the way things were.
** Chapter 21, p. 101

* [[Wikipedia:Waterford (town), New York|Waterford]] began its existence as the gateway to the [[Wikipedia:Erie Canal|Erie Canal system]], the first stretch of which was built to bypass several waterfalls on the [[Wikipedia:Mohawk River|Mohawk River]].
** Chapter 28, p. 137

* I remembered Albany [...] as just another down-on-its-luck small American city that had sacrificed its vitality to a whirring ring of homogenous suburbs.
** Chapter 29, p. 140

* We're building our own New Jerusalem up the river. It's a world made by hand, now, one stone at a time, one board at a time, one hope at a time, one soul at a time.
** Chapter 29, p. 142

* Whatever the other failures of the U.S. government were, it had managed to print an excess of dollars which, combined with the collapse of trade and communication, had severely eroded the currency's value.
** Chapter 30, p. 146

* I lay awake [...] listening to the rain drip from the eaves and thinking of the big map that hung from the top of the chalkboard in my primary school in Wilton, Connecticut, so many years ago, back in the days of cars, television, and air-conditioning. The states on this map were muted tones of pink, green, and yellow. Over it hung the flag that we pledged allegiance to every single morning. &quot;One nation under God, indivisible...&quot;
** Chapter 31, p. 150

* I'd been carrying [my Ruger .41 Magnum] so many days that I had almost forgotten it was there. This was the kind of world we now lived in.
** Chapter 36, p. 171

* I argued that the human race should have known it was in trouble, [...] given how insane our way of life had become. Minor quit blowing into his harmonica long enough to say that [[Wikipedia:John D. Rockefeller|John D. Rockefeller]] and the [[Wikipedia:Bush family|Bush family]] had made a deal with the Devil going back all the way to the 1900s.
** Chapter 38, p. 181

* Could we even pretend the law still existed? Or was it something you made up now, as the occasion required?
** Chapter 38, p. 181

* The essence of politics was to not act on your impulses.
** Chapter 42, p. 199

* There's real strangeness in this world of ours. Back in the machine times, there was so much noise front and back, so to speak, it kept us from knowing what lies behind the surface of things. 
** Chapter 55, p. 262

* It was more possible that the human race possessed some spark of divinity that was worth cultivating than that a mysterious ''being'' was up there in the ether somewhere with anthropomorphic qualities of goodness and mercy running the whole show.
** Chapter 65, p. 315–316

* We were content to be undisturbed in our little backwater, Union Grove, [[Wikipedia:Washington County, New York|Washington County]], in a place once called the [[Wikipedia:New York State|Empire State]], where the [[Wikipedia:Battenkill|Battenkill]] runs into the [[Wikipedia:Hudson River|Hudson River]].
** Chapter 65, p. 317

=== ''[[w:The Long Emergency|The Long Emergency]]'' (2005) ===
Kunstler, James Howard. ''The Long Emergency''. New York, NY: Grove Press, 2005. Print. {{ISBN|978-0-8711-3888-0}}.

* It has been [...] hard [...] to make sense of the gathering forces that will fundamentally alter the terms of everyday life in [...] society. Even after the {{w|September 11 attacks|terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001}}, that collapsed the twin towers of the {{w|World Trade Center (1973–2001)|World Trade Center}} and sliced through [[the Pentagon]], [...] [we are] still sleepwalking into [an uncertain] [...] future. We have walked out of our burning house, and we are now headed off the edge of a cliff. Beyond that cliff is an abyss of economic and political disorder on a scale that no one has ever seen before. […]  It is my view, for instance, that in the decades to come the national government will prove to be so impotent and ineffective in managing the enormous vicissitudes we face that the [[United States]] may not survive as a nation in any meaningful sense but […] will devolve into a set of autonomous regions.
** Chapter 1, p. 1.

* It is no exaggeration to state that reliable supplies of cheap [and easy-to-find [[hydrocarbon]]s like] [[oil]] and [[w:natural gas|natural gas]] underlie everything we identify as a benefit of modern life. All the necessities, comforts, luxuries, and miracles of our time [...] owe their origins or continued existence in one way or another to cheap fossil fuel. Even our nuclear power plants [...] depend on cheap [...] [hydrocarbons] for all the procedures of construction, maintenance, and extracting and processing nuclear fuels. The blandishments of cheap oil and gas were so seductive, and induced such transports of mesmerizing contentment, that we ceased paying attention to the essential nature of these miraculous gifts from the [deep] earth: that they exist in finite, nonrenewable supplies, unevenly distributed around the world. To aggravate matters, the wonders of steady technological progress under the reign of oil have tricked us [...] to believe that anything we wish for hard enough can come true. These days, even people in our culture who ought to know better are wishing ardently that a smooth, seamless transition from fossil fuels to their putative replacements [...] lies just a few years ahead. [...] This is a dangerous fantasy. The true best-case scenario may be that some of these technologies will take decades to develop–meaning that we can expect an extremely turbulent interval between the end of cheap oil and whatever comes next. A more likely scenario is that new fuels and technologies may never replace fossil fuels at the scale, rate, and manner at which the [industrial] world currently consumes them.
** Chapter 1, p. 2–3.

* What is [...] not comprehended about this predicament is that the developed world will begin to suffer long before the oil and gas [...] run out. The [[American Dream|American way of life]] [...] can run only on reliable supplies of dependably cheap [hydrocarbons like] oil and gas. Even mild to moderate deviations in [...] supply will crush our economy and make […] daily life impossible. Fossil fuel reserves are not scattered equitably around the world. They tend to be concentrated in places where the native peoples don’t like the West in general [...], places physically very remote, places where we realistically can exercise little control [...]. [...] We can be certain that the price and supplies of fossil fuels will suffer oscillations and disruptions in the period ahead [...]. [...] The decline of fossil fuels is certain to ignite chronic strife between nations contesting the remaining supplies. These resource wars have already begun. There will be more of them. They are [...] likely to grind on and on [...]. They will only aggravate a situation that, in and of itself, could bring down civilizations. The extent of suffering [...] will certainly depend on how tenaciously we attempt to cling to obsolete habits, customs, and assumptions–for instance, how fiercely [...] [we] decide to fight to maintain suburban lifestyles that simply cannot be rationalized any longer.
** Chapter 1, p. 3.

* [[Thomas Robert Malthus|[Thomas] Malthus]] was certainly correct [that demand will outstrip supply], but [...] [hydrocarbons] [...] skewed the [supply-demand] equation over the past [two] hundred years while the human race has enjoyed an unprecedented orgy of [a fraction of] nonrenewable condensed solar energy accumulated over eons of prehistory. The “green revolution” in boosting crop yields was minimally about scientific innovation in crop genetics and mostly about dumping massive amounts of fertilizers and pesticides made [...] of [...] [petroleum] onto crops, as well as employing irrigation at a fantastic scale made possible by abundant oil and gas. The cheap oil age created an artificial bubble of plenitude for a period not much longer than a human lifetime, a hundred years. Within that […], the idea took hold that only grouches, spoilsports, and godless maniacs considered population hypergrowth a problem [with a direct solution], and that to even raise the issue was indecent. [...] As oil ceases to be cheap and the world reserves arc toward depletion, we will indeed suddenly be left with an enormous surplus population [...] that the ecology of the earth [sic] will not support. No political program of birth control will avail. The people are already here. The journey back to non-oil population homeostasis will not be pretty. '''We will discover the hard way that [[w:Baby boom|population hypergrowth]] was simply a side effect of the oil age.''' It was [more of] a condition [without a remedy], not a problem with a [direct] solution. That is what happened, and we are stuck with it.
** Chapter 1, p. 8.

* The high tide of the [...] [industrial] age also happened to be a moment in history when human ingenuity gained an upper hand against the age-old scourges of disease. We have enjoyed the great benefits of antibiotic medicine for [...] a half-century. Penicillin, sulfa drugs, and their descendants briefly gave [hu]mankind the notion that diseases caused by microorganisms could, and indeed would, be systematically vanquished. Or, at least, this was the popular view. Doctors and scientists knew better. [...] The recognition is now growing that the victory over microbes was short-lived. They are back in force, including [...] old enemies such as tuberculosis and staphylococcus in new drug-resistant strains. Other old diseases are on the march into new territories, as a response to climate change brought on by global warming [caused by the burning of fossil fuels]. In response to unprecedented habitat destruction by humans and the invasion of [what we call] wilderness, the earth [sic] itself seems to be sending forth new and much more lethal diseases, as though it had a [...] protective immune system with antibody-like agents aimed with remarkable precision at the source of the problem: ''Homo sapiens''.
** Chapter 1, p. 9–10.

* At the same time, the world is overdue for an extreme influenza epidemic. The last major outbreak was the [[w:Spanish flu|1918 Spanish influenza]], which killed fifty million [and possibly more, as we will not know the real numbers] people worldwide and changed the course of history. […] Disease will certainly play a larger role in the Long Emergency than many can now imagine. An epidemic could paralyze social and economic systems, interrupt global trade, and bring down governments. […] '''At the very least, the Long Emergency will be a time of diminished life spans for many of us, as well as reduced standards of living'''–at least as understood within the current social context. Fossil fuels had the effect of temporarily raising the carrying capacity of the earth. Our ability to resist the environmental corrective of disease will [...] prove to have been another temporary boon of the [...] [industrial] age [...]. So much of what we construe to be among our entitlements to perpetual progress may prove to have been a strange, marvelous, and anomalous moment in [...] history.
** Chapter 1, p. 11–12.

* The so-called global economy was not a permanent institution, [...] but a set of transient circumstances peculiar to a certain time: the […] fossil fuel era. […] Factories could be started up in [[Sri Lanka]] and [[Malaysia]], where swollen populations furnished trainable workers willing to labor for much less than those back in the United States or [[Europe]]. Products then moved around the globe in a highly rationalized system, not unlike the oil allocation system, using immense vessels, automated port facilities, and truck-scaled shipping containers at a minuscule cost-per-unit of whatever was made and transported. Shirts or coffeemakers manufactured 12,000 miles away could be shipped to Wal-Marts all over America and sold cheaply. […] Meanwhile, among economists and government figures, globalism developed [...] [as] an intellectual fad. Globalism allowed them to believe that burgeoning wealth in the developed countries, and the spread of industrial activity to formerly primitive regions, was based on the potency of their own ideas and policies rather than on cheap [and easy-to-find hydrocarbons like] oil. […] [An] overlooked [fact] is that [[Margaret Thatcher|[Margaret] Thatcher]]’s success in reviving England coincided with a fantastic new revenue stream from {{w|North Sea}} oil, as quaint old Britannia became energy self-sufficient and a net energy-exporting nation for the first time since the heyday of coal. Globalism then infected America when [[Ronald Reagan]] came on the scene in 1981. Reagan’s ‘supply-side” economic advisors retailed a set of fiscal ideas that neatly accessorized the new notions about free trade and deregulation, chiefly that massively reducing taxes would […] result in greater revenues as the greater aggregate of business activity generated a greater aggregate of taxes even at lower rates. (What it […] generated was huge government deficits.) […] The rise of computers, in turn, promoted the fantasy that commerce in sheer information would be the long-sought replacement for all the played-out activities of the smokestack economy. A country like America, it was now thought, no longer needed steelmaking or tire factories or other harsh, dirty, troublesome enterprises. Let the poor masses of [[Asia]] and {{w|South America}} have them and lift themselves up from agricultural peonage. America would outsource all this old economy stuff and use computers to orchestrate the movement of parts and the assembly of products from distant quarters of the world, and then sell the stuff in our own {{w|K-mart}}s and {{w|Wal-Mart}}s, which would become global juggernauts of retailing. […] It was also like a convoluted liquidation sale of the accrued wealth of two hundred years of industrial society for the benefit of a handful of financial buccaneers, with the great masses relegated to a race to the bottom as the economic assets are dismantled and sold off, and their livelihoods are closed […]. That this development was uniformly greeted as a public good by the vast majority of Americans, at the same time that their local economies were being destroyed—and with them, myriad social and civic benefits—is one of the greater enigmas of recent social history. In effect, Americans threw away their communities […] to save a few dollars on hair dryers and plastic food storage tubs, never stopping to reflect on what they were destroying.
** Chapter 1, p. 12-16.

* [Globalism's] demise will coincide with the end of the cheap-oil age. For better or worse, many of the circumstances we associate with globalism will be reversed. Markets will close as political turbulence and military mischief interrupt trade relations. As markets close, societies will turn increasingly to import replacement[s] for sheer economic survival. The cost of transport will no longer be negligible in a post-cheap-oil age. Many of our agricultural products will have to be produced closer to home, and [...] by more intensive [...] labor as oil and natural gas supplies become increasingly unstable. The world will stop shrinking and become larger again. Virtually all [...] the [...] relationships [...] that we have taken for granted as permanent will be radically changed [...]. Life will become intensely and increasingly local.
** Chapter 1, p. 17.

* In any case, the tragic truth is that much of suburbia is unreformable. It does not lend itself to being retrofitted into the [...] mixed-use, smaller scaled, more fine-grained walkable environments we will need to carry on daily life in the coming age of [...] reduced motoring. [...] Instead, this suburban real estate [...] will enter a phase of rapid and cruel devaluation. Many of the suburban subdivisions will become the slums of the future. […] The seasons […] will continue with the great cycles of contraction and expansion, and at some point, in the future, who knows how many years distant, some of these cities in a land once called [the [[United States|United States of North] America]] may be robust and cosmopolitan in ways that we can’t imagine now, any more than a Roman of A.D. 38 might have been able to imagine the future London of the Beatles.
** Chapter 1, p. 17–18.

* […] We have lived through as a narrative episode in a greater saga of human history. The industrial story has a beginning, a middle, and an end. [[w:First Industrial Revolution|It begins in the mid-eighteenth century with coal and the first steam engines]], [[w:Second Industrial Revolution|proceeds to a robust second act]] climaxing in the years before [[World War I]], and moves toward a third act resolution now that we can anticipate with some precision the depletion of the resources that made the industrial episode possible. As the industrial story ends, the greater saga of [hu]mankind will move on into a new episode, the Long Emergency. This is […] a self-evident point, but throughout history, even the most important and self-evident trends are often completely ignored because the changes they foreshadow are simply unthinkable. That process is sometimes referred to as an “outside context problem,” something so far beyond the ordinary experience of those dwelling in a certain time and place that they cannot make sense of available information. The collective mental static preventing comprehension is also sometimes referred to as “cognitive dissonance,” a term borrowed from developmental psychology. It helps explain why the […] public has been sleepwalking into the future. The Long Emergency is going to be a tremendous trauma for […] human[s] […]. It is likely to entail political [and social] turbulence every bit as extreme as the economic conditions that prompt it.
** Chapter 1, p. 20.

* Whole ideologies had to be constructed to account for being modern and to explain it.
** Chapter 2, p. 22.

* Now, exactly a hundred years after the first powered flight at {{w|Kitty Hawk, North Carolina}}, I can get on a jet airplane twice the size of a house several times a month and fly halfway across North America in the time it takes to finish a newspaper—and I end up feeling cranky and resentful about the service, to boot! They ran out of pretzels! The air conditioning was set too low! […] Everything characteristic about the condition we call modern life has been a direct result of our access to abundant supplies of cheap [[Fossil fuel|fossil fuels]]. Fossil fuels have permitted us to fly, to go where we want to go rapidly, and move things easily from place to place. Fossil fuels rescued us from the despotic darkness of the night. They have made the pharaonic scale of building commonplace everywhere. They have allowed a fractionally tiny percentage of our swollen populations to produce massive amounts of food. They have allowed us to develop industries of surpassing ingenuity and to push the limits of what it even means to be human [...]. [But] The age of fossil fuels is about to end. There is no replacement for them at hand. 
** Chapter 2, p. 23.

* Because the oil peak phenomenon […] cancels out further industrial growth of the kind we are used to, its implications lie radically outside […] economic paradigm. So, the oil peak phenomenon has been discounted to about zero among conventional economists, who assume that “market signals” about oil supplies will inevitably trigger innovation, which, in turn, will cause [something] new […] to materialize and enable further growth. If the market signals are not triggering innovation, then the problem must be overstated and growth under the oil regime will resume—after, say, a normal periodic downcycle. This is obvious casuistry, but casuistry can be a great comfort when a problem has no real solution. […] Our investment in an oil-addicted way of life […] is now so inordinately large that it is too late to salvage all the national wealth wasted on building it, or to continue that way of life more than a decade or so into the future. What’s more, as we have outsourced manufacturing to other countries, the entire U.S. economy has become more […] dependent on continued misinvestment in […] suburbia and its accessories. No politician wants to tell voters that the [[American Dream]] has been canceled for a lack of […] resources. The U.S. economy would disintegrate. So, whichever party is in power has tended to ignore the issue, change the subject, or spin it into the realm of delusion.
** Chapter 2, p. 28.

* Oil is an amazing substance. It stores a tremendous amount of energy per weight and volume. It is easy to transport. It stores easily at regular air temperature in unpressurized metal tanks, and it can sit there indefinitely without degrading. You can pump it through a pipe, you can send it all over the world in ships, you can haul it around in trains, cars, and trucks, you can even fly it in tanker planes and refuel other airplanes in flight. It is flammable but has proven to be safe to handle with a modest amount of care by people with double-digit IQs. […] We used [oil] [...] as if there was no tomorrow. Now there may not be one. That's how special oil has been. 
** Chapter 2, p. 31.

* […] Suburbia turned out to be a disappointing cartoon of country living rather than the real thing [that] was a tragic unanticipated consequence […].
** Chapter 2, p. 40.

* […] The base price of a barrel of oil did eventually more than quadruple by the time the embargo was called off in March 1974. And the price rise alone staggered the West and Japan. Already at that time, public transit was a thing of the past and about 85 percent of Americans drove to work every day.
** Chapter 2, p. 46.

* Oil is the world's most critical resource. Without it, nothing works in industrial civilization as currently configured. Few people dispute the idea that the world will eventually run out of oil, and there is a broad recognition that it will happen [...].
** Chapter 3, p. 64.

* The total planetary endowment of conventional nonrenewable liquid oil was [...] two trillion barrels before humans started using it [and possibly more, as most of it was used to protect the Earth's crust]. Since the mid-nineteenth century, the world has burned through [...] one trillion barrels of oil, [...] representing the easiest-to-get, highest-quality liquids. [...] Oil has enabled the [[w:Baby boom|[post-War] population explosion]].
** Chapter 3, p. 66.

* The denial about [the] global peak in the United States is already fierce, as investments in car-dependent, oil-addicted infrastructure are greater here than in any other nation and Americans consider their way of life a God-given entitlement. […] The economic [...] [struggle] among [...] all nations, [...] will be considerable and is certain to lead to increasingly desperate competition for diminishing supplies of oil [and every other resource]. 
** Chapter 3, p. 68.

* […] With China becoming a presence by necessity in the region, we would be back in a cold war again, or something worse, contesting with a rival world hegemon, this time over […] resources, not [just] ideology.
** Chapter 3, p. 84.

* Eventually, […] [we] will have to contend with the problems of the Long Emergency: the end of industrial growth, falling standards of living, economic desperation, declining food production, and domestic political strife. A point will be reached when the great powers of the world no longer have the means to project their power any distance. Even nuclear weapons may become inoperable, considering how much their careful maintenance depends on other technological systems linked to our fossil fuel economy.
** Chapter 3, p. 98.

* To some degree, all […] the non-fossil fuel energy sources […] depend on an underlying fossil fuel economy. You can’t manufacture metal wind turbines using wind energy technology. You can’t make lead-acid storage batteries for solar electric systems using any known solar energy systems.
** Chapter 3, p. 100.

* This age-old tendency of humans to believe in magical deliverance and to wish for happy outcomes has been aggravated by the very technological triumphs that the oil age brought into existence. Technology itself has become a […] supernatural force, one that has demonstrably delivered all kinds of miracles within the memory of many people now living […].
** Chapter 3, p. 101.

* Natural gas […] is not as versatile as gasoline, but it does a lot of tasks beautifully. Gas is the feedstock—the raw material—for a wide array of chemicals, pharmaceuticals, and plastics. Ninety-five percent of the nitrogenous fertilizers used in America are made […] of natural gas, and so it has become indispensable to U.S. agriculture.
** Chapter 3, p. 103.

* Both the mining and the washing [of hydrocarbons] require huge amounts of energy, and it has been proposed that any commercial exploitation of the [[w:Athabasca oil sands|Alberta tar sands]] would take 20 percent of [[Canada]]’s total natural gas production. In the long run, it might not be worth expending the energy from gas to get the energy from the tar sands. If oil from the tar sands themselves were used to process more tar sands, the return would be three barrels of oil for every two consumed. […] In the early days of conventional oil in [[Texas]], the {{w|ERoEI}} formula was very favorable, around twenty to one. The oil was found close to the surface on dry land in temperate places easy to work in, and it gushed out of the ground under its own pressure. […] Going a bit further, the fundamental equations that support all gigantic […] organisms, […] may no longer obtain, and human life would have to reorganize its activities on a different basis. Also, '''once these complex systems and their subsystems halt their operations, restarting them may range from difficult to impossible''' […].
** Chapter 3, p. 108.

* [[w:Ancient Roman architecture|Roman architecture]] would have been impossible without the complex socioeconomic platform of [the] empire. The medieval social platform for northern European life was less elaborate and […] less complex. Compare these two historical cases with the complexity of social and economic organization that allows oil to be extracted from the ground, refined to gasoline, transported six thousand miles, and used in a highly engineered, fine-tuned machine called a car, [to be] driven on a six-lane freeway. '''If the social and economic platform fails, how long before the knowledge base dissolves?''' Two hundred years from now, will anyone know how to build or even repair a 1962 Chrysler slant-six engine? Not to mention a Nordex 1500 kW wind turbine? […] The existing knowledge in basic physics and chemistry is so widespread that it is likely to persist quite a while into the future and provide a foundation for doing more with less than, say, the people of the eighteenth century were able to do with their more limited knowledge.
** Chapter 4, p. 130.

* We surely will have to reform our land-use habits and the oil-based transportation system that has allowed us to run our car-crazy suburban environments. We'll have to drastically change the way we grow our food and where we grow it. [The] social organization may be quite different in the decades ahead. Features of contemporary life that we have taken for granted [...] may fade into history. Politics that evolved to suit the [...] [industrial age] may morph beyond recognition [...].
** Chapter 4, p. 141.

* '''Our brains are […] not equipped to process events on the geologic scale'''—at least in reference to how we choose to live, or what we choose to do in the here-and-now.
** Chapter 5, p. 148.

* [Global warming] [...] happens to coincide with our imminent descent down the slippery slope of [...] [hydrocarbon] depletion, so that '''all the potential discontinuities of that epochal circumstance will be amplified, ramified, reinforced, and torqued by climate change.''' If global warming is a result of human activity, fossil fuel-based industrialism, [...] then it seems [...] the prospects are poor that […] human[s] […] will be able to do anything about it, because the journey down the oil depletion arc will be much more disorderly than the journey up was. '''The disruptions and hardships of decelerating industrialism will destabilize governments and societies to the degree that concerted international action [...] will never be carried out. In the chaotic world of diminishing and contested [...] resources, there will simply be a mad scramble to use up whatever [...] people can manage to lay their hands on.''' The very idea that we possess any control over the process seems to be further evidence of the delusion gripping our [...] culture [...].
** Chapter 5, p. 148–149.

* [...] Abrupt climate change may be normal in the planet's history, or, to state it differently, that the earth's [sic] climate is inherently very unstable.
** Chapter 5, p. 149. 

* Without the [[w:Gulf Stream|Gulf Stream]], [[United  Kingdom|Britain]], [[France]], the [[w:Low Countries|Low Countries]], and [[Scandinavia]] would have a climate like [[w:Labrador|Labrador]]’s, colder by {{convert|20|F|C}} in annual mean. The Gulf Stream has been likened to an oceanic conveyor belt. The force of the warm water flowing north has been described as equal to the volume of seventy-five [[w:Amazon River|Amazon river]]s.
** Chapter 5, p. 153.

* According to the {{w|IPCC}}, sea levels rose by ten to twenty centimeters during the twentieth century and are currently rising by about two millimeters a year, which is at the upper range of the rate of rise for the last century. With global warming accelerating, this is apt to increase. The accepted prediction is that sea levels will rise during the twenty-first century by about fifty centimeters, or a little under two feet, though some scientists predict a full meter. […] One-sixth of the people in the world live in coastal zones within one meter of sea level. This is the […] outside context problem so alien to contemporary experience that the public and its leaders can really find no way to process the information and figure out what to do about it—and for the excellent reason that it is not a problem with a direct solution. It is more a condition without a remedy. If the major shipping ports […] end up being submerged, humankind will just have to work around it. The disruptions to world trade might be epochal, gigantic, […] [and] tragic. It seems obvious that […] human[s] […] will simply have to adjust, even if that means adjusting to a new reality of severely lower expectations in living standards, comfort, and amenity. […] When the time comes, […] [we] will just have to move to higher ground. 
** Chapter 5, p. 162.

* Harvard biologist [[w:E. O. Wilson|Edward O. Wilson]] warns that [[China]]'s current program to mitigate huge population increases with gigantic water projects may have dire consequences. Irrigation and other withdrawals have already depleted the {{w|Yellow River}}, which, starting in 1972, has run bone-dry part of the year in {{w|Shandong}} province, where one-fifth of China's wheat and one-seventh of its corn is produced. In 1997, the river stopped flowing for a record 226 days. The groundwater levels of the northern China plains have plummeted. The water table in major grain-producing areas is falling at the rate of five feet a year. Of China's 617 cities, three hundred already face water shortages. Of China's approximately 23,000 miles of major rivers, 80 percent no longer support fish life. The [[w:Xiaolangdi Dam|Xiaolangdi dam project]] now underway along the Yellow River in north China is exceeded in size only by the {{w|Three Gorges Dam}} on the {{w|Yangtze}} in South China. In addition, the Chinese government intends to siphon water from the Yangtze […] and send it over by a canal system to the Yellow River and Beijing, respectively. When it is running, the Yellow River is already one of the most particle-laden in the world. Because of that, it is estimated that the Xiaolangdi dam would silt up within thirty years of completion. The […] project is reminiscent of another centrally planned mega-project that ended in grief: the [[Soviet Union]]'s scheme to drain the {{w|Aral Sea}} to irrigate gigantic cotton farms in [[Kazakhstan]]. The project turned one of the world's largest inland bodies of fresh water into [a] salty desert. The potential for calamity in China is therefore huge as it skirts a range of forces presented by the Long Emergency, any one of which, or some combination, could send it reeling over its tipping point: the effects of global climate change, competition for [every resource including] oil, extremes of pollution, disease, and war, either with its neighbors or internally. Despite the current veneer of prosperity and stability, China has tremendous potential for political chaos. As Wilson fearlessly points out, the pressure on China's agriculture and water resources is intensified by the predicament shared by many countries: runaway population growth [caused by industrialization]. '''Population growth rates may be mitigated […] from culture to culture by economic advance (which tends to lower reproductive rates by channeling women into the workplace), but economic development produces other [[w:Jevons paradox|not-so-benign consequences]].''' Developing [systems like] nation[-state]s invariably increase their energy use [as they grow complex]. More cars are used, more electricity [is] generated, [and] more greenhouse emissions [are] sent into the atmosphere. In the Long Emergency, […] “there will only be two types of nations: the over-developed and those which will never develop.” China may represent an amalgamation of those two conditions in one nation-state.
** Chapter 5, p. 163–164.

* Like China, the United States is divided […] in half between wet and dry. Though the human population of the United States is proportionately much smaller than China's, the amount of effort America has expended on manipulating habitats and altering terrain is as impressive in its own way as China's birthrate. Especially significant is the stupendous amount of paving laid down in the United States during the past hundred years. It prevents rain from being absorbed as groundwater and sends it instead into rivers, and […] into the ocean. The effect of this is the inability of water tables and wetlands to recharge and the diminishing ability of the terrain to support life. In the United States, only 2 percent of the country's rivers and wetlands remain free-flowing and undeveloped. As a result, the country has lost more than half of its wetlands.
** Chapter 5, p. 165.

* '''Climate change, competition for water, and polluted water sources will also be exacerbated by failures in the electric grid caused by oil and gas supply disruptions.''' Even if water is available, localities may lack the power to push it through their treatment plants and municipal pipes.
** Chapter 5, p. 166. 

* Fifty years of easy living with the miracle of antibiotics was a major contributor to the hubris that gripped the industrial nations in the early twenty-first century. Smallpox was eliminated except in strategic laboratory samples. Measles was conquered. Sexually transmitted diseases that used to leave people maimed and crazy were cured with one visit to the doctor. Many tropical diseases seemed to be on the wane as immunology and pharmacology bolstered widespread progress in sanitation and nutrition. The vanquishing of disease represented a [...] meta-victory by [hu]mankind over a much greater set of enemies than the parochial combatants of our geopolitical wars. Indeed, these great advances of medical science against disease took place against the backdrop of war. The United States emerged victorious from [[w:World War II|the last [...] world war]], having defeated manifest political evil, armed with penicillin and sulfa drugs. The postwar antibiotic miracle contributed to a false sense of security in the public and a sense of [...] omnipotence [...].
** Chapter 5, p. 167.

* '''As the struggle over the remaining oil and gas intensifies, larger numbers of economic losers will be created''', and those economic losers will be underfed, ill-housed, poorly doctored, badly informed, badly behaved, and subject to plummeting life expectancies.
** Chapter 5, p. 170.

* Despite miraculous advances in medical technology, genetic typing, and immunology, [...] [we] are not much better prepared for a severe flu epidemic than they were for [[w:Spanish flu|the 1918 outbreak]]. Epidemic influenza is extremely difficult to counteract. Flu vaccines developed in any given year are notoriously ineffective against new strains that come along the following year. It takes seven months or more to create, test, manufacture, and distribute a vaccine developed in direct response to a new virus, and by that time the disease can burn through global populations. '''If a pandemic broke out today, hospital facilities would be overwhelmed. Nurses and doctors would be infected along with the rest of the population.'''
** Chapter 5, p. 173.

* {{w|Operation Dark Winter}} employed a cast of volunteers […] to act out roles following a script in which a terrorist released smallpox in one eastern U.S. city. The result was sobering to an extreme. The public health system virtually collapsed. Hospitals degenerated into chaos. Smallpox spread to twenty-five states and overseas. The national stockpile of vaccines proved to be deeply inadequate. The exercise was called off after four days from the sheer exhaustion of the participants, while the fictional epidemic was still spreading. 
** Chapter 5, p. 176.

* The [[w:Germ theory of disease|germ theory]], which emerged in the late nineteenth century, focused the world's attention on the specific agents responsible for [...] diseases, but the [physical,] social and ecological contexts are equally important, and these are now coming more prominently into play with world population well beyond the limits of the earth's [sic] [...] [optimum] carrying capacity and with climate change [...] in progress. [...] Ecological [...] [pressures], rapid changes in land use, penetration of formerly inaccessible habitats, and disturbed migration routes can lead to the appearance or diffusion of a disease. While we may be able to identify [some, if not all] the microorganisms involved, we can be helpless in the face of it, and our behavior may still promote its spread.
** Chapter 5, p. 177.

* [...] The disturbance of global oil markets as the permanent energy crisis begins is liable to interrupt global commerce and global travel. Fewer […] will fly [...]. However, these same energy problems will surely reduce crop production, which would lead to reduced food aid to desperate populations [...], which would then lead to compromised immune systems and the [...] [invasion] of poor, hungry, and [...] unhealthy people [...]. This is an obvious recipe for conflict and woe. Where the refugee camps [are] set up, [the] disease will surely follow.
** Chapter 5, p. 178.

* '''The attrition of global populations by disease[s] may be unavoidable.''' Some [...] may regard it as the inevitable revenge of nature against the hubris of a human species arrogantly exceeding the carrying capacity of its habitat. Some may regard it as a moral victory against wickedness. Some may view it in the therapeutic mode as a positive development for the health of the planet. Many self-conscious &quot;humanists&quot; have militated for the goal of reducing population growth —though most of them would have [...] preferred widespread birth control [using contraceptive methods like the birth pill and condoms, ironically made from cheap oil] to a die-off. [Contraceptive methods] might have been just another product of the narcotic comfort of cheap oil [...]. Apart from these issues of attitude and ethics, however, a major decline in [...] population [...] is apt to have profound and strange repercussions on everyday life. 
** Chapter 5, p. 178.

* [...] We [...] flatter ourselves to think that we are above this kind of general catastrophe—because our [...] prowess during the [...] [industrial age] was so marvelous that all future problems are (supposedly) guaranteed to be solved by similar applications of ingenuity. This was certainly the consensus among the scientists, computer geniuses, and biotech millionaires [...]. They were uniformly uninterested in the issues of the global oil peak and natural gas depletion and utterly convinced that the industrial societies would be rescued by hydrogen, wind power, and solar electricity, all to be figured out by their cohort techno-geniuses in [...] time. If there is anything we have been stupendously bad at in the preceding century of wonders, it is recognizing the diminishing returns of our [...] [technological] prowess. Some of our greatest achievements, [...] have produced dreadful diminishing returns [...]. This persistent failure or weakness [...] negates the value of our ability to see what's coming. [...] Rather than [...] progress, we are more likely to see [...] the loss of information, ability, and confidence. 
** Chapter 5, p. 181.

* Many individual immune systems will be compromised by the hardships of the Long Emergency and disease will seize the opportunities presented, as it always has. [...] Millions [and perhaps billions] of human beings are going to die.
** Chapter 5, p. 182.

* As hunger and hardship increase, the world may see more than one wave of more than one disease. If [...] an influenza pandemic emerges, for instance, many [...] will succumb [...]. [...] The age-old human enemies [...] will be on hand with new immunity to the old techno-tricks of the [nineteenth and] twentieth [...] [centuries]. [...] Nobody really knows where that is taking us, though we do know that [...] [our ancestors] endured more than one ice age in the past.
** Chapter 5, p. 182–183.

* The current urban population of the world […] is greater than the entire population of the world in 1960. Seventy-eight percent of the urban dwellers in the so-called developing world live in slums. From the West African littoral to the mountainsides of the {{w|Andes}} to the banks of the {{w|Nile}}, the {{w|Ganges}}, the {{w|Mekong}}, and the {{w|Irrawaddy}}, new gigantic slums spread like immense laboratory growth media, waiting to host epidemic disease cultures. {{w|Lagos}}, [[Nigeria]], for example, grew from a city of 300,000 in 1950 to over ten million today. But Lagos, writes [[w:Mike Davis (scholar)|Mike Davis]], &quot;is simply the biggest node in the shanty-town corridor of 70 million people that stretches from {{w|Abidjan}} to {{w|Ibadan}}: probably the biggest continuous footprint of urban poverty on earth.&quot; Most of the world's new, exploding slums have only the most rudimentary sanitary arrangements, open sewers running along the corridor-like &quot;streets.&quot; In the slums of Bombay, there is an estimated one toilet per five hundred inhabitants. Currently, two million children die every year from waste-contaminated water in the world's slums. The enormity of this urban disaster is poorly comprehended in advanced nations like the United States, where the drinking water is still safe and even the poor have flush toilets connected to real sewers. But '''the slums of the world will […] be the breeding ground of the next pandemic''', and chances are, once it is underway, the wealthy nations will not be spared. 
** Chapter 5, p. 183.

* The entropic mess that our economy has become is the final blowoff of […] industrialism. The destructive practices known as &quot;free-market globalism&quot; were engendered by our run-up to and arrival at the world oil production peak. It was the logical climax of the oil &quot;story.&quot; It required the breakdown of all previous constraints […] to maximize the present at the expense of the future and to do so for the benefit of a very few at the expense of the many. […] Free-market globalism became the reigning orthodoxy […], challenged only by cranks wearing nose-rings at the very margins of society. '''The moment that the world recognizes the passing of the oil production peak as a reality, globalism will be dead both in theory and practice.'''
** Chapter 6, p. 185.

* '''Globalism was operated by oligarchical corporations on the gigantic scale, made possible by cheap oil. By “oligarchical” I mean that power was vested in small numbers of people running large organizations who were not accountable for their actions to many of the people who were subject to those actions. By “corporation,” I mean a group enterprise given the legal status of a “person,” with “rights,” but in fact devoid of any human qualities of ethics, humility, mercy, duty, or loyalty that would constrain those rights.''' As Wendell Berry put it, “a corporation […] is a pile of money to which a number of persons have sold their moral allegiance… It can experience no personal hope or remorse. No change of heart. It cannot humble itself. It goes about its business as if it were immortal, with the single purpose of becoming a bigger pile of money.
** Chapter 6, p. 186.

* The free-market part of the equation referred to the putative benefit of unrestrained economic competition between individuals, and because corporations enjoyed the legal status of persons, they were assumed to be on an equal footing with other persons in a given locality. Thus, Wal-Mart was considered the theoretical equal of Bob the appliance store owner, and if Bob happened to lose in the retail competition because he couldn't order 50,000 coffeemakers at a crack from a factory 12,000 miles away in {{w|Hangzhou}}, and receive a deep discount for being such an important customer, well, it wasn't as though he hadn't been given the chance.
** Chapter 6, p. 187.

* Cheap oil had allowed populations to explode in precisely those parts of the world that had had, for millennia, a high infant mortality rate and modest life expectancy. Cheap oil was behind the &quot;green revolution&quot; that increased the food supply in the nonindustrial world. Oil was also behind many of the medicines and preventives that had neutralized […] diseases. Now, suddenly, most of those children […] survived, grew up and produced more children who survived and grew up, and over the course of the twentieth century, the global populations hurtled into extreme numerical overshoot. Populations were, in effect, eating oil, notably in food exports from the United States, where agribusiness had completely taken over from agriculture. Local farmers in Africa, Asia, or South America couldn’t compete with corporate [[w:ADM (company)|Archer Daniels Midland]]’s oil-and-gas-based grain crops and U.S. government subsidies. There was no point in even bringing their hardscrabble crops to market when sacks of cheap American wheat sat on the docks of [[w:Busan|Pusan]] or [[Colombo]]. Farmers in those places felt that they had no choice but to migrate to the city and find some other way to get by. The only comparative advantage that these people possessed was their willingness to work for next to nothing. '''Cheap oil and free-market globalism turned comparative advantage into a new kind of feudalism, with the corporations as the lords and the overabundant locals as the serfs.''' And then, when the comparative advantage of cheap labor […] of one place, […] was superseded by the cheaper labor […] of another place, […] the corporations just moved their operations.
** Chapter 6, p. 187–188.

* The idea of comparative advantage works when there is a complex local economy intact in the background of each trading partner’s specialized item of production, with a variety of social roles and occupational niches to support the long-term project of community. But a locality geared to doing only one thing for export is […] a slave system based on the extractive economics of mining. […] One group had all the cheap labor, and another group had all the capital, and for a while, one group made all the things that the other group “consumed.” Thus, comparative advantage became, for a time, a con game strictly for the benefit of large corporations, which ended up enjoying all the advantages while the localities sucked up the costs.
** Chapter 6, p. 188.

* The corporations benefiting from this regime often had no physical home of their own, even in their country of origin—and not a few American corporations had moved their official address to [[w:Tax haven|Caribbean pseudo nations]], where the banking and tax laws were more agreeable. The corporations had no allegiance to any […] place or the people of that place, so the destruction they wreaked was as manifest in the ravaged towns of [[Ohio]] and upstate [[New York City|New York]] as in the environmental degradation of [[China]]. America was hardly immune to the consequences of free-market globalism. In effect, the American heartland was overtaken by a new […] corporate colonialism, emanating from our own culture, but no less destructive than the imposition of foreign rule.
** Chapter 6, p. 188–189.

* Did Americans sell out their towns, their neighbors, the memory of their ancestors, and the future of their grandchildren because they were helplessly in thrall to the blandishments of a cheap-oil economy? I honestly don’t know, though I tend to view the outcome as the result of many collective bad choices made by the public and its leaders. But were those choices inescapable? Certainly, the process was insidious and played out over several generations. 
** Chapter 6, p. 189-190.

* There have to be limits. If we project “housing starts” ninety-nine years forward at current rates, there wouldn’t be a single build-able quarter-acre lot left in the world. Not a few economists would rationalize this outcome by declaring that ninety-nine years from now we will have colonies on the [[moon]] or [[Mars]] or under the {{w|Sea of Cortez}}. Or that technology coupled with human ingenuity will solve the problem some other way, […] by genetically reengineering human beings to be one inch tall or booting all our consciousnesses into computer servers where unlimited numbers of virtual people could dwell in unlimited virtual environments of endless cyberspace.
** Chapter 6, p. 192-193.

* It is assumed now that human beings, prompted by the market, will employ ingenuity to discover a substitute for oil and gas, once the price starts to ramp up beyond the “affordable” range. This assumption is apt to prove fallacious because […] the laws of thermodynamics state that energy can’t be created out of nothing, only changed from low entropy to high entropy, and that we have already changed the half [or perhaps a fraction] of our [planet's] oil endowment that was easiest to get into dispersed carbon dioxide, which is now ratcheting up global warming and climate change, which might well put the industrial adventure out of business before human ingenuity can come up with a substitute for oil.
** Chapter 6, p. 194.

* […] The […] oil-fueled boom that energized the suburban expansion of the 1920s brought turmoil and trouble to the farm economy. Thirty percent of the U.S. population still lived on farms in the 1920s. U.S. farmers had done well during World War I, exporting grain to a Europe that had become a shell-blasted battlefield. By the early 1920s, though, Europeans were able to feed themselves again. Meanwhile, the introduction of the tractor and the mechanization of farming in the United States led quickly to massive overproduction of grain. Unable any longer to pawn off the surplus on Europe, America suffered a crash in grain prices. '''The farm depression, which preceded the financial depression by half a decade, was a self-reinforcing feedback loop. As the market prices of corn and wheat plunged, farmers desperately tried to make up for low prices by producing more, which the domestic markets could not absorb, leading to even greater surpluses and more depressed prices.'''
** Chapter 6, p. 204.

* By the mid-1920s, the great wave of immigration suddenly ended. The [[w:Immigration Act of 1924|National Origins Act of 1924]] and other measures set new highly restrictive immigration quotas that cut new admissions to 2 percent of each nationality from the 1890 census. This choked off what had been a constant half-century-long demographic subsidy of ever more customers for U.S. manufacturers.
** Chapter 6, p. 205.

* Finance came to be viewed as a productive activity itself rather than a means to promote production. The public was no longer buying stock to invest in enterprises that would pay dividends over time, but merely because one could get rich from buying and selling stocks. As more people bought in, stock prices climbed still higher—a dangerous positive feedback loop.
** Chapter 6, p. 205-206.

* [...] The human race living off the &quot;drawdown&quot; of nonrenewable fossil fuel resources is the equivalent of the algae [...] enjoying a temporary rush of nutrients [...] [or a star burning more hydrogen than it could].
** Chapter 6, p. 208.

* The entropy produced in [[World War II]] was much more widespread and profound than that of World War I. In [[World War I]] the action had taken place […] entirely on rural terrain, classic battlefields. In World War II, much of the warfare was urban. The long-range bomber had reached a high stage of refinement in the twenty-plus years between world wars. None of the major capitals had been damaged in World War I. In World War II, hundreds of towns and cities were destroyed in Europe and Asia. Berlin was reduced to gravel; London was badly mutilated; and, of course, Hiroshima and Nagasaki became radioactive ashtrays. The casualties of World War I had been enormous, astonishing, [and] appalling beyond civilized peoples’ wildest dreams, but the victims had been overwhelmingly soldiers. The casualties in World War II were overwhelmingly civilians and in much greater aggregate numbers.
** Chapter 6, p. 212–213.

* '''[[American Dream|American life]], with its twin engines of suburbanization and factory production of consumer goods for the […] world, became so quickly and obviously successful''' that a new consensus formed supporting the value of the dollar and its paper accessories in capital markets, chiefly stocks, and bonds. This is not to say that the securities markets boomed in the 1950s and 1960s —it took until then just to recover the value levels of the pre-1929 crash —but stocks and bonds did regain respectability, [and] legitimacy. Those who had lived through the Great Depression, meaning virtually all the men who had served in the wartime army, had very modest expectations about the role of finance in the postwar economy. In the 1950s and 1960s, Americans bought stocks for the annual dividends they paid, not to flip them for a quick profit. In fact, share prices remained […] very flat during this period. The whole notion of investment was different than it would become later in the twentieth century. In the 1950s and 1960s, stock and bond values were linked much more directly with the successful production of real goods. General Motors derived its profits and paid its dividends on the basis of auto sales, not as today, primarily from leveraging interest rates and other abstract numbers' games removed from the actual making of products. In sum, the public attitude about the role of finance was extremely conservative. Finance was not an “industry” per se, but a set of institutions designed to keep the idea of money and its accessories credible, […] to allow real industries to function.
** Chapter 6, p. 215.

* Banking also regained respectability after the calamities of the 1930s. Federal deposit insurance, which had been instituted in the depths of the Great Depression, and only for deposits under $2,500, was raised to $10,000 in 1950, and the middle class was induced to feel confident about keeping its money in banks again. Interest rates remained modest, but so did inflation. The influx of savings made money available in capital markets to invest in new ventures. It was real money derived from work already done, pay already earned, true capital. Before the great orgy of mergers and consolidation that began in the 1970s, retail banking was […] local and community-centered. Bankers made loan decisions based on firsthand knowledge of projects going on in their communities—not, as today, based on bundling and selling clumps of mortgages for generic suburban developments they have never laid eyes on.
** Chapter 6, p. 216.

* The rebellion of the [[Hippie|hippie]]s […] based itself on the notion that abundance was a natural entitlement, and one could &quot;drop out&quot; of an insecure, deadly, and frightening industrial culture to live off the fat of the land. It was inescapably a jejune philosophy, fraught with contradictions. For the hippies, the natural order of things included items such as stereo record players, electric guitars, motor vehicles for adventuring around the country, cheap bulk whole grains, and other products of an oil-intensive industrial way of life. '''The hippie platform […] with all its mystical incunabula, rested on the platform of “normal” [[American Dream|American life]] and would have been impossible without it.'''
** Chapter 6, p. 217.

* At the start of the [[w:1980s oil glut|oil glut]], a climactic set of economic relations took shape led by Prime Minister [[Margaret Thatcher]] (and joined eagerly by President Reagan and his advisors) that would be called “globalism.” It was not so much a new idea as the logical and inevitable result of mature self-organizing systems elaborating themselves under the influence of renewed, immense energy inputs—the ultimate cheap-oil way of doing business in the [supposedly] closed system that is the planet [[Earth]]. It entailed the maximization of short-term profit and the minimization of care for future generations. It was the ultimate generator of entropy.
** Chapter 6, p. 219.

* In America, globalism meant the accelerated dismantling of the nation's manufacturing base and its reassignment to other countries where labor was dirt cheap and environmental regulations did not apply. It also meant the ramping up of a “service economy” or, more properly, the myth of a service economy to replace the old manufacturing economy. […] It was […] absurd. It was like the old joke about the village that prospered because the inhabitants were all employed taking in each other’s laundry. In fact, far fewer actual things of value were being created in the service economy. […] It was assumed, for instance, that computers […] boosted productivity. Much of that gain was either illusory or fraught with collateral social and economic losses of other kinds. Companies that reported higher productivity were shedding employees like mad and the entire ethos of work in America was being transformed from one of [the] people having secure careers and permanent positions with reliable companies to one of institutionalized insecurity for […] everyone below top management in a new general atmosphere of Darwinian corporate ruthlessness—under the rubric of &quot;free-market competition.&quot;
** Chapter 6, p. 220.

* '''What one also saw in the America of the 1980s and 1990s was commoditization and conversion of public goods into private luxuries, the impoverishment of the civic realm, and, to put it bluntly, the rape of the landscape—a vast entropic enterprise that was the culminating phase of suburbia.''' The dirty secret of the American economy in the 1990s was that it was no longer about anything except the creation of suburban sprawl and the furnishing, accessorizing, and financing of it. It resembled the efficiency of cancer. Nothing else really mattered except building suburban houses, trading away the mortgages, selling the multiple cars needed by the inhabitants, upgrading the roads into commercial strip highways with all the necessary shopping infrastructure, and moving vast supplies of merchandise made in China for next to nothing to fill up those houses. The economy of suburban sprawl was a systemic self-organizing response to the availability of inordinately cheap oil with ever-increasing entropy expressed in an ever-increasing variety of manifestations from the destruction of farmland to the decay of the cities, to widespread psychological depression, to the rash of school shooting sprees, to epidemic obesity. Americans didn’t question the validity of the suburban sprawl economy. They accepted it at face value as the obvious logical outcome of their hopes and dreams and defended it viciously against criticism. They steadfastly ignored its salient characteristic: that it had no future either as an economy or as a living arrangement. Each further elaboration of the suburban system made it less likely to survive any change in conditions, most particularly any change in the equations of cheap oil. It wasn't until the traumas of the 1970s that the finance sector mutated from being an adjunct of the industrial economy to becoming an “industry” in its own right helping to “drive” the economy. '''Among the distortions and perversions engendered by the “stagflation” economy was the rise of corporate cannibalism in the form of “creative” mergers and acquisitions, specifically hostile takeovers, the aggressive use of voting stock shares to gain control of companies that did not wish to sell, with the subsequent filleting and sell-off of assets, and discarding of the bones and offal (employee payrolls and obligations, careers, livelihoods, communities).'''
** Chapter 6, p. 222–223.

* In the face of the things like the {{w|Dot-com bubble|dot-com meltdown}}, the {{w|LTCM}} scare, the {{w|Enron scandal}}, and other disasters that eroded the notional value of financial paper, homeownership itself was now turned into a magical generator of unearned riches for both borrowers and lenders. It was consistent with the [[Las Vegas]]-ization of the national moral sense, chiefly the increasingly popular belief at every level of American life that it really was possible to get something for nothing. Anyone could see this in the easy public acceptance of gambling as okay and the proliferation of casinos everywhere in the land. Not even the evangelical Christians seemed to mind. There is no such thing as intrinsic value in a house. A huge percentage of the public has now put its net worth into something that […] isn't an investment. Apart from false econometrics of rising house valuations and the leverage that affords for raising cash within the context of the current lending rackets, a house is much more of a consumer product than an investment, especially the kind of houses built in recent decades in America, namely stapled-together boxes made of particle board and plastic cladding that require continual reinvestment in petty cash and labor for upkeep, and will probably not hold their value, even if well cared for, because of poor locational choices. A house on a one-acre lot in a subdivision in {{w|Loudoun County, Virginia}}, thirty-two miles from downtown [[Washington, D.C.|Washington]], […] a magnificent thing to behold today, with a soaring lawyer-foyer entrance, a restaurant-grade kitchen, and an inground pool out back. But if there is less gasoline to power up the fleet of cars necessary to service it, and no natural gas to heat the thousand-square-foot cathedral-ceilinged lawyer foyer, then chances are that the house is going to be a liability rather than an asset.
** Chapter 6, p. 229.

* The supernaturally low-interest rates provoked an orgy of buying and the orgy of buying bid up the prices of the houses, and as the prices of the houses levitated, the owners entered another new and strange zone of hallucinated wealth accumulation using the latest contrivance: the refinanced mortgage. Re-fi's allowed house owners to use their houses as though they were automatic teller machines. Say a person bought a house in 1999 for $250,000 and the house was appraised in 2003 at $400,000; that person could refinance with a substantial &quot;cash out&quot; privilege, converting the imagined increase of value into disposable income, which could then be used to buy motorboats, home theater plasma TV screens, or trips to Las Vegas. Refinancing prestidigitated an estimated $1.6 trillion for the American economy over a five-year period, and much of that &quot;money&quot; was deployed purchasing &quot;consumer&quot; goods—mostly made outside the United States. From 1999 to 2004 […] a third of all house owners indulged in cash-out re-fi mortgages. […] Behind every extravagant cash extraction lay the belief that at some future date the house would be worth a lot more than the re-fi price and could be readily flipped.
** Chapter 6, p. 231.

* After the mid-1990s, there was hardly a technical distinction to be made anymore between high-risk borrowers and everybody else in the casino atmosphere of [North] America[n] society. No one was at risk anymore because in the something-for-nothing economy it was impossible to be a loser. Or so went the herd thinking. […] It is […] likely that the housing bubble will have begun to come to grief.
** Chapter 6, p. 232.

* The failure of the [[w:Government-sponsored enterprise|GSE]]s would make the [[w:Savings and loan crisis|S&amp;L fiasco of the 1980s]] look like a bad night of poker. The failure of the GSEs would pose a far graver situation than the [[w:Long-Term Capital Management|LTCM]] flameout. It could easily bring on cascading failures that might jeopardize global finance. This time, the […] public would feel the pain.
** Chapter 6, p. 233.

* If the folks who lived along this highway put in gardens to make up for the escalating inadequacies of an industrial farming system starved for fossil fuel “inputs,” would they be able to feed themselves? '''Did any vernacular knowledge survive in a populace conditioned to think that food came from the supermarket? Did they know anything about cabbage loopers, powdery mildew, or anthracnose? Would they be able to prevent catastrophic crop loss? How would they defend their crops against deer, rabbits, [and] woodchucks? Would any of them know how to build a garden wall or even a fence? Where would they get fencing material? Would they have to sit out among the potato hills and the bean rows at night with loaded shotguns? And what would they do for light when they heard something munching out there? Would they know how to keep chicken, sheep, [and] cattle, including breeding and birthing them?'''
** Chapter 7, p. 237.

* Because […] systems are self-organizing in the face of circumstance, the big questions are '''how much disorder must we endure as things change, and how hard will we struggle to continue a particular way of life with no future?''' […] The U.S. economy of the decades to come will center on farming, not high-tech, […] “information,” or “services,” or space travel, […] tourism, or finance. All other activities will be secondary to food production, which will require much more human labor. 
** Chapter 7, p. 239.

* [...] [Everything] [...] tend[s] toward diminishing returns and unsustainability, [...] even in the short term.
** Chapter 7, p. 240.

* A hundred years ago, just before the introduction of the fossil fuel-based technologies, more than 30 percent of the American population was engaged in farming. Now the figure is 1.6 percent. The issue is not moral, academic, or aesthetic. […] It’s a matter of those ratios being made possible only because cheap oil and automation made up for so much human labor.
** Chapter 7, p. 241.

* The energy disruptions of the Long Emergency are going to remind us that the skyscraper was an experimental building form.
** Chapter 7, p. 253.

* The lucky suburbanites will be the ones with the forethought to trade in their suburban McHouses for property in the towns and small cities and prepare for a vocational life doing something useful and practical on the small scale. 
** Chapter 7, p. 256.

* Wal-Mart will not be able to profitably run its “warehouse on wheels” when the price of oil fluctuates chronically. […] We will never again experience the explosion of products, choices, and nonstop marketing that characterized the late twentieth century. The public may look back on the big-box shopping era with deep and mournful nostalgia, but we are apt to discover that happiness is still possible without the extraordinary advertising-driven compulsive materialism of recent decades. '''We will still have commerce. We will have [a] trade. There will be shopping. We will have […] medium of exchange. But we are not going to live in a perpetual blue-light special sale of cornucopian wretched excess.'''
** Chapter 7, p. 257.

* Even if we can’t get all the tools and the products we currently enjoy, we will retain a lot of basic knowledge that the people of Jefferson’s day just didn’t have. For instance, we will still understand that infections and many diseases are caused by microorganisms, not bad air, phases of the moon, or evil spells and that knowledge alone confers powerful advantages in daily living.
** Chapter 7, p. 258.

* '''Large-scale corporate enterprise has brought humankind much material comfort in two centuries but at the price of fantastic unintended consequences (externalized costs) ranging from the destruction of local communities to climate change. Large-scale corporations will be vulnerable to the collapse of capital formation markets that must accompany the end of the cheap oil fiesta. Corporate enterprise can certainly be reorganized on the small, local community scale, but it will not be the same as {{w|General Motors}}. Corporate enterprise in the Long Emergency may revert to being more public in nature and far less sovereign in power.''' There may be one exception: The most visible […] corporate organization that might survive the Long Emergency may be the church. Whether Catholic or Pentecostal or something new we haven't seen yet; the church won't have to rely on oil supplies. Organized religion doesn't have to traffic in awkward material products, only in beliefs, and it can operate at many scales simultaneously. Because American culture is constitutionally allergic to religious governance, we may have problems if churches are the only large organizations left standing—that is, assuming we still have the same constitution.
** Chapter 7, p. 259.

* We should […] conclude that the abandoned big-box structures will not last more than one generation under any circumstances. […] The same thing can be said about malls, strip malls, and chain restaurant buildings. Eventually, they will be the salvage yards and mines of the future.
** Chapter 7, p. 261.

* One final thing worth noting on the subject of rail: From 1890 to about 1920, American localities managed to construct hundreds of local and interurban streetcar lines that added up to a magnificent national system (independent of the national heavy rail system). Except for two twenty-mile gaps in New York state, one could ride the trolley lines from [[New England]] clear out to Wisconsin. The story of the conspiracy by General Motors and other companies to destroy the U.S. interurban system is well documented. The salient point, however, is how rapidly the system was created in the first place, and how marvelously well it served the public in the period before the automobile became established.
** Chapter 7, p. 268-269.

* It's hard to imagine a more purposeless activity than American-style high school in our time. […] The public questions its basic premises or mode of operation any more than the public questions the economy of suburban sprawl. But [the] high school in our time amounts to little more than daycare for virtual adults in which some learning might incidentally take place, much of it of dubious value.
** Chapter 7, p. 271.

* The Southwest also faces increasing friction with adjoining [[Mexico]]. This is not a racist provocation but a description of reality. '''No other first-world country has such an extensive land frontier with a third-world country. The income gap between the United States and Mexico is greater than that between any other two contiguous countries in the world.'''
** Chapter 7, p. 275.

* In any case, it is human nature to consider a place “home” if you were born there, or have family there, or have spent some portion of your life there, and people are naturally reluctant to leave home. I daresay that many Americans now living in the Southwest will not be disposed to understand what is really happening—that the carrying capacity of their home region has been suddenly and drastically reduced—and they will hunker down hoping for a return to better times.
** Chapter 7, p. 279.

* After air conditioning became widely affordable, southerners hardly went outside anymore, unless it was in a motor vehicle. Anything about southern vernacular architecture that once had been graceful in adapting to the climate was cast aside for the pleasures of air conditioning and cheapness of construction.
** Chapter 7, p. 283.

* The Long Emergency will cause unprecedented social and economic dislocation, and the outcome may be a world we would barely recognize. The [...] egalitarian society we knew in the [...] twentieth century may become drastically more hierarchical as large numbers of desperate people place themselves in the service of those who control land, especially following a period of anarchy. Under such harsh conditions, the weaker individuals will sell their allegiance in return for security.
** Chapter 7, p. 286–287.

* The gigantic smear of suburbia that runs […] without interruption from north of Boston through Connecticut, New York, New Jersey, Baltimore, Washington, and northern Virginia is not going to be a happy place.
** Chapter 7, p. 291.

* The circumstances of the Long Emergency will be the opposite of what we currently experience. '''There will be hunger instead of plenty, cold where there was once warmth, effort where there was once leisure, sickness where there was health, and violence where there was peace.''' We will have to adjust our attitudes, values, and ideas to accommodate these new circumstances and we may not recognize the people will soon become or the people we once were. In a world where sheer survival dominates all other concerns, a tragic view of life is apt to reassert itself. This is another way of saying that we will become keenly aware of the limitations of human nature [...]. Life will get much more real.
** Chapter 7, p. 303.

* '''I’m aware of having already lived more than a half-century through the greatest fiesta of luxury, comfort, and leisure that the world has ever known.''' I enjoyed central heating, air conditioning, cheap airfares, cable TV, advanced orthopedic surgery, and computers.
** Chapter 7, p. 304.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.kunstler.com/ James Howard Kunstler home page]
* [http://jameshowardkunstler.typepad.com/ Comment on current events by Jim Kunstler]
* [http://www.ted.com/talks/view/id/121 TED Talks: James Howard Kunstler dissects suburbia] at [[Wikipedia:TED (conference)|TED]] in 2004

{{DEFAULTSORT:Kunstler, James Howard}}
[[Category:Novelists from the United States]]
[[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]]
[[Category:Bloggers from the United States]]
[[Category:Social critics]]
[[Category:Critics from the United States]]
[[Category:Orators from the United States]]
[[Category:Activists from the United States]]
[[Category:American Jews]]
[[Category:People from New York City]]
[[Category:1948 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]

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'''[[W:James Howard Kunstler|James Howard Kunstler]]''' (born [[October 19]], [[1948]], New York City, New York) is an American author, social critic, public speaker, and blogger.

== Quotes ==
* As modern interpolators might say, the bubonic plague winnowed down Europe’s population to a scale more congenial with its resource base. After that big first wave of the disease, [the] land was cheaper and human labor better rewarded. Eventually, more food got around. Incidentally, '''the plague provoked nostalgia for the classical antiquity of [[Greece]] and [[Rome]], especially among the scholars of [[Florence]], launching the extravaganzas of the [[Renaissance]], the [[Age of Enlightenment|Enlightenment]], and eventually our own pageant of techno-supremacist [[Modernity]].'''
** &quot;Dance Macabre,&quot; May 18, 2020.
* […] '''Life is tragic and history won’t shed a tear for us''' if we make poor collective decisions, or adopt beliefs that are inconsistent with reality.
** &quot;The Old American Dream Is a Nightmare,&quot; March 9, 2011.

=== ''[[w:World Made by Hand|World Made by Hand]]'' (2008) ===
Kunstler, James Howard. ''World Made by Hand''. New York, NY: Grove Press, 2008. Print. {{ISBN|978-0-8021-4401-0}}.

* In the early twenty-first century [[farming]] had all but died out here. We got our food from the supermarket, and not everybody cared where the supermarket got it as long as it was there on the shelves. A few elderly dairymen hung on. Many let their fields and pastures go to scrub. Some sold out to what used to be called developers, and they'd put in five or ten poorly build houses. Now, in the new times, there were far fewer people, and many houses outside [the] town were being taken down for their materials. Farming was back. That was the only way we got food.
** Chapter 1, p. 5

* We lived more by the sun than by the clock, but I did own a clock. It was an eight-day windup console clock which I kept on the mantel in the living room, and it was the only timepiece in the house that worked anymore.
** Chapter 4, p. 20

* Living by the clock was an old habit that died hard. Not much that we did required punctuality, but people still wanted to know what time it was.
** Chapter 4, p. 20

* The racket was coming over what used to be our public radio station, WAMC out of [[Wikipedia:Albany, New York|Albany]], but the familiar [...] voices [...] were long gone. Some febrile evangelist was railing from the [[Book of Revelation]].
** Chapter 4, p. 20

* I switched on the television on the outside chance that something might come through. Nothing had been on for years. The local network affiliates withered away after the national network of cable channels went out until there was nothing. 
** Chapter 4, p. 20–21

* I searched the FM band but there was nothing besides other pious pleaders, and they didn't come in too well. The AM band offered about the same thing, only with worse reception, nothing remotely describable as news, and no music because commercial entertainment as we knew it was no more, and its handmaiden, advertising had gone with it.
** Chapter 4, p. 21

* I had one of those steel thermal mugs you carried everywhere with you as a kind of signifier of how busy, and therefore how important you were.
** Chapter 4, p. 22

* It was obvious there would be no return to [what we used to call] &quot;normality.&quot; The [resource-intensive] economy wouldn't be coming back. [[Wikipedia:Globalism|Globalism]] was over. The politicians and generals were failing to pull things together at the center. We would not be returning to Boston. The computer industry, in which so many hopes had been vested, was fading into history.
** Chapter 4, p. 24

* In a world that had become a salvage operation, the general supply evolved into Union Grove's leading industry. When every last useful thing in town had been stripped from the [[Wikipedia:Kmart|Kmart]] and the United Auto, the [[Wikipedia:CVS Pharmacy|CVS drugstore]], and other trading establishments of the bygone national chain-store economy, daily life became a perpetual flea market centered on the old town dump.
** Chapter 5, p. 28

* We regarded [[Wikipedia:Opium|opium]] as a godsend. It did not develop into an illicit trade, though. There was no legal prohibition, no police running around trying to suppress drugs, driving up the price artificially, and no marketing system. There were no distant markets to send it to because shipping anything was slow at best and often unreliable, and travel was something you just didn't do anymore. Anybody could grow their own [[Wikipedia:Papaver somniferum|poppies]] or buy raw opium paste from one of the growers. Farmers made more money growing raspberries or asparagus. They grew poppies as a public service. A few people took to smoking opium, but those with an extremely apathetic attitude toward survival tended not to last long in the new disposition of things.
** Chapter 5, p. 30

* Children [...] had sat in those very box buildings under buzzing fluorescent lights listening to their science teachers prattle about the wonders of space travel and gene splicing and how we were all going to live to be a hundred and twenty-five years old in &quot;smart&quot; computer-controlled houses where all we had to do was speak to bump up the heat or turn on giant home theater screens in a life of perpetual leisure and comfort. It made me sick to think about. Not because there's something necessarily wrong with leisure or comfort, but because that's where our aspirations ended. And in the face of what had actually happened to us, it seemed obscenely stupid.
** Chapter 6, p. 33–34

* Motion is a great tranquilizer.
** Chapter 6, p. 34

* Few dogs were around anymore. Some had been eaten during the hunger that followed the flu in the spring of that year. People didn't talk about it; it was so demoralizing.
** Chapter 7, p. 36

* Jesus [...] look how we live? I'm practically a serf.
** Chapter 7, p. 37

* You could argue people are generally better off now mentally than they were back then. We follow the natural cycles. We eat real food instead of processed crap full of chemicals. We're not jacked up on coffee and television and [...] advertising all the time. No more anxiety about credit card bills.
** Chapter 7, p. 37–38

* We all knew the apparatus of justice had dissolved.
** Chapter 12, p. 57

* As the world changed, we reverted to social divisions that we'd thought were obsolete. The egalitarian pretenses of the high-octane decades had dissolved, and nobody even debated it anymore, including the women of our town. A plain majority of the townspeople were laborers now, whatever in life they had been before. Nobody in town called them peasants, but in effect, that's what they'd become. That's just the way things were.
** Chapter 21, p. 101

* [[Wikipedia:Waterford (town), New York|Waterford]] began its existence as the gateway to the [[Wikipedia:Erie Canal|Erie Canal system]], the first stretch of which was built to bypass several waterfalls on the [[Wikipedia:Mohawk River|Mohawk River]].
** Chapter 28, p. 137

* I remembered Albany [...] as just another down-on-its-luck small American city that had sacrificed its vitality to a whirring ring of homogenous suburbs.
** Chapter 29, p. 140

* We're building our own New Jerusalem up the river. It's a world made by hand, now, one stone at a time, one board at a time, one hope at a time, one soul at a time.
** Chapter 29, p. 142

* Whatever the other failures of the U.S. government were, it had managed to print an excess of dollars which, combined with the collapse of trade and communication, had severely eroded the currency's value.
** Chapter 30, p. 146

* I lay awake [...] listening to the rain drip from the eaves and thinking of the big map that hung from the top of the chalkboard in my primary school in Wilton, Connecticut, so many years ago, back in the days of cars, television, and air-conditioning. The states on this map were muted tones of pink, green, and yellow. Over it hung the flag that we pledged allegiance to every single morning. &quot;One nation under God, indivisible...&quot;
** Chapter 31, p. 150

* I'd been carrying [my Ruger .41 Magnum] so many days that I had almost forgotten it was there. This was the kind of world we now lived in.
** Chapter 36, p. 171

* I argued that the human race should have known it was in trouble, [...] given how insane our way of life had become. Minor quit blowing into his harmonica long enough to say that [[Wikipedia:John D. Rockefeller|John D. Rockefeller]] and the [[Wikipedia:Bush family|Bush family]] had made a deal with the Devil going back all the way to the 1900s.
** Chapter 38, p. 181

* Could we even pretend the law still existed? Or was it something you made up now, as the occasion required?
** Chapter 38, p. 181

* The essence of politics was to not act on your impulses.
** Chapter 42, p. 199

* There's real strangeness in this world of ours. Back in the machine times, there was so much noise front and back, so to speak, it kept us from knowing what lies behind the surface of things. 
** Chapter 55, p. 262

* It was more possible that the human race possessed some spark of divinity that was worth cultivating than that a mysterious ''being'' was up there in the ether somewhere with anthropomorphic qualities of goodness and mercy running the whole show.
** Chapter 65, p. 315–316

* We were content to be undisturbed in our little backwater, Union Grove, [[Wikipedia:Washington County, New York|Washington County]], in a place once called the [[Wikipedia:New York State|Empire State]], where the [[Wikipedia:Battenkill|Battenkill]] runs into the [[Wikipedia:Hudson River|Hudson River]].
** Chapter 65, p. 317

=== ''[[w:The Long Emergency|The Long Emergency]]'' (2005) ===
Kunstler, James Howard. ''The Long Emergency''. New York, NY: Grove Press, 2005. Print. {{ISBN|978-0-8711-3888-0}}.

* It has been [...] hard [...] to make sense of the gathering forces that will fundamentally alter the terms of everyday life in [...] society. Even after the {{w|September 11 attacks|terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001}}, that collapsed the twin towers of the {{w|World Trade Center (1973–2001)|World Trade Center}} and sliced through [[the Pentagon]], [...] [we are] still sleepwalking into [an uncertain] [...] future. We have walked out of our burning house, and we are now headed off the edge of a cliff. Beyond that cliff is an abyss of economic and political disorder on a scale that no one has ever seen before. […]  It is my view, for instance, that in the decades to come the national government will prove to be so impotent and ineffective in managing the enormous vicissitudes we face that the [[United States]] may not survive as a nation in any meaningful sense but […] will devolve into a set of autonomous regions.
** Chapter 1, p. 1.

* It is no exaggeration to state that reliable supplies of cheap [and easy-to-find [[hydrocarbon]]s like] [[oil]] and [[w:natural gas|natural gas]] underlie everything we identify as a benefit of modern life. All the necessities, comforts, luxuries, and miracles of our time [...] owe their origins or continued existence in one way or another to cheap fossil fuel. Even our nuclear power plants [...] depend on cheap [...] [hydrocarbons] for all the procedures of construction, maintenance, and extracting and processing nuclear fuels. The blandishments of cheap oil and gas were so seductive, and induced such transports of mesmerizing contentment, that we ceased paying attention to the essential nature of these miraculous gifts from the [deep] earth: that they exist in finite, nonrenewable supplies, unevenly distributed around the world. To aggravate matters, the wonders of steady technological progress under the reign of oil have tricked us [...] to believe that anything we wish for hard enough can come true. These days, even people in our culture who ought to know better are wishing ardently that a smooth, seamless transition from fossil fuels to their putative replacements [...] lies just a few years ahead. [...] This is a dangerous fantasy. The true best-case scenario may be that some of these technologies will take decades to develop–meaning that we can expect an extremely turbulent interval between the end of cheap oil and whatever comes next. A more likely scenario is that new fuels and technologies may never replace fossil fuels at the scale, rate, and manner at which the [industrial] world currently consumes them.
** Chapter 1, p. 2–3.

* What is [...] not comprehended about this predicament is that the developed world will begin to suffer long before the oil and gas [...] run out. The [[American Dream|American way of life]] [...] can run only on reliable supplies of dependably cheap [hydrocarbons like] oil and gas. Even mild to moderate deviations in [...] supply will crush our economy and make […] daily life impossible. Fossil fuel reserves are not scattered equitably around the world. They tend to be concentrated in places where the native peoples don’t like the West in general [...], places physically very remote, places where we realistically can exercise little control [...]. [...] We can be certain that the price and supplies of fossil fuels will suffer oscillations and disruptions in the period ahead [...]. [...] The decline of fossil fuels is certain to ignite chronic strife between nations contesting the remaining supplies. These resource wars have already begun. There will be more of them. They are [...] likely to grind on and on [...]. They will only aggravate a situation that, in and of itself, could bring down civilizations. The extent of suffering [...] will certainly depend on how tenaciously we attempt to cling to obsolete habits, customs, and assumptions–for instance, how fiercely [...] [we] decide to fight to maintain suburban lifestyles that simply cannot be rationalized any longer.
** Chapter 1, p. 3.

* [[Thomas Robert Malthus|[Thomas] Malthus]] was certainly correct [that demand will outstrip supply], but [...] [hydrocarbons] [...] skewed the [supply-demand] equation over the past [two] hundred years while the human race has enjoyed an unprecedented orgy of [a fraction of] nonrenewable condensed solar energy accumulated over eons of prehistory. The “green revolution” in boosting crop yields was minimally about scientific innovation in crop genetics and mostly about dumping massive amounts of fertilizers and pesticides made [...] of [...] [petroleum] onto crops, as well as employing irrigation at a fantastic scale made possible by abundant oil and gas. The cheap oil age created an artificial bubble of plenitude for a period not much longer than a human lifetime, a hundred years. Within that […], the idea took hold that only grouches, spoilsports, and godless maniacs considered population hypergrowth a problem [with a direct solution], and that to even raise the issue was indecent. [...] As oil ceases to be cheap and the world reserves arc toward depletion, we will indeed suddenly be left with an enormous surplus population [...] that the ecology of the earth [sic] will not support. No political program of birth control will avail. The people are already here. The journey back to non-oil population homeostasis will not be pretty. '''We will discover the hard way that [[w:Baby boom|population hypergrowth]] was simply a side effect of the oil age.''' It was [more of] a condition [without a remedy], not a problem with a [direct] solution. That is what happened, and we are stuck with it.
** Chapter 1, p. 8.

* The high tide of the [...] [industrial] age also happened to be a moment in history when human ingenuity gained an upper hand against the age-old scourges of disease. We have enjoyed the great benefits of antibiotic medicine for [...] a half-century. Penicillin, sulfa drugs, and their descendants briefly gave [hu]mankind the notion that diseases caused by microorganisms could, and indeed would, be systematically vanquished. Or, at least, this was the popular view. Doctors and scientists knew better. [...] The recognition is now growing that the victory over microbes was short-lived. They are back in force, including [...] old enemies such as tuberculosis and staphylococcus in new drug-resistant strains. Other old diseases are on the march into new territories, as a response to climate change brought on by global warming [caused by the burning of fossil fuels]. In response to unprecedented habitat destruction by humans and the invasion of [what we call] wilderness, the earth [sic] itself seems to be sending forth new and much more lethal diseases, as though it had a [...] protective immune system with antibody-like agents aimed with remarkable precision at the source of the problem: ''Homo sapiens''.
** Chapter 1, p. 9–10.

* At the same time, the world is overdue for an extreme influenza epidemic. The last major outbreak was the [[w:Spanish flu|1918 Spanish influenza]], which killed fifty million [and possibly more, as we will not know the real numbers] people worldwide and changed the course of history. […] Disease will certainly play a larger role in the Long Emergency than many can now imagine. An epidemic could paralyze social and economic systems, interrupt global trade, and bring down governments. […] '''At the very least, the Long Emergency will be a time of diminished life spans for many of us, as well as reduced standards of living'''–at least as understood within the current social context. Fossil fuels had the effect of temporarily raising the carrying capacity of the earth. Our ability to resist the environmental corrective of disease will [...] prove to have been another temporary boon of the [...] [industrial] age [...]. So much of what we construe to be among our entitlements to perpetual progress may prove to have been a strange, marvelous, and anomalous moment in [...] history.
** Chapter 1, p. 11–12.

* The so-called global economy was not a permanent institution, [...] but a set of transient circumstances peculiar to a certain time: the […] fossil fuel era. […] Factories could be started up in [[Sri Lanka]] and [[Malaysia]], where swollen populations furnished trainable workers willing to labor for much less than those back in the United States or [[Europe]]. Products then moved around the globe in a highly rationalized system, not unlike the oil allocation system, using immense vessels, automated port facilities, and truck-scaled shipping containers at a minuscule cost-per-unit of whatever was made and transported. Shirts or coffeemakers manufactured 12,000 miles away could be shipped to Wal-Marts all over America and sold cheaply. […] Meanwhile, among economists and government figures, globalism developed [...] [as] an intellectual fad. Globalism allowed them to believe that burgeoning wealth in the developed countries, and the spread of industrial activity to formerly primitive regions, was based on the potency of their own ideas and policies rather than on cheap [and easy-to-find hydrocarbons like] oil. […] [An] overlooked [fact] is that [[Margaret Thatcher|[Margaret] Thatcher]]’s success in reviving England coincided with a fantastic new revenue stream from {{w|North Sea}} oil, as quaint old Britannia became energy self-sufficient and a net energy-exporting nation for the first time since the heyday of coal. Globalism then infected America when [[Ronald Reagan]] came on the scene in 1981. Reagan’s ‘supply-side” economic advisors retailed a set of fiscal ideas that neatly accessorized the new notions about free trade and deregulation, chiefly that massively reducing taxes would […] result in greater revenues as the greater aggregate of business activity generated a greater aggregate of taxes even at lower rates. (What it […] generated was huge government deficits.) […] The rise of computers, in turn, promoted the fantasy that commerce in sheer information would be the long-sought replacement for all the played-out activities of the smokestack economy. A country like America, it was now thought, no longer needed steelmaking or tire factories or other harsh, dirty, troublesome enterprises. Let the poor masses of [[Asia]] and {{w|South America}} have them and lift themselves up from agricultural peonage. America would outsource all this old economy stuff and use computers to orchestrate the movement of parts and the assembly of products from distant quarters of the world, and then sell the stuff in our own {{w|K-mart}}s and {{w|Wal-Mart}}s, which would become global juggernauts of retailing. […] It was also like a convoluted liquidation sale of the accrued wealth of two hundred years of industrial society for the benefit of a handful of financial buccaneers, with the great masses relegated to a race to the bottom as the economic assets are dismantled and sold off, and their livelihoods are closed […]. That this development was uniformly greeted as a public good by the vast majority of Americans, at the same time that their local economies were being destroyed—and with them, myriad social and civic benefits—is one of the greater enigmas of recent social history. In effect, Americans threw away their communities […] to save a few dollars on hair dryers and plastic food storage tubs, never stopping to reflect on what they were destroying.
** Chapter 1, p. 12-16.

* [Globalism's] demise will coincide with the end of the cheap-oil age. For better or worse, many of the circumstances we associate with globalism will be reversed. Markets will close as political turbulence and military mischief interrupt trade relations. As markets close, societies will turn increasingly to import replacement[s] for sheer economic survival. The cost of transport will no longer be negligible in a post-cheap-oil age. Many of our agricultural products will have to be produced closer to home, and [...] by more intensive [...] labor as oil and natural gas supplies become increasingly unstable. The world will stop shrinking and become larger again. Virtually all [...] the [...] relationships [...] that we have taken for granted as permanent will be radically changed [...]. Life will become intensely and increasingly local.
** Chapter 1, p. 17.

* In any case, the tragic truth is that much of suburbia is unreformable. It does not lend itself to being retrofitted into the [...] mixed-use, smaller scaled, more fine-grained walkable environments we will need to carry on daily life in the coming age of [...] reduced motoring. [...] Instead, this suburban real estate [...] will enter a phase of rapid and cruel devaluation. Many of the suburban subdivisions will become the slums of the future. […] The seasons […] will continue with the great cycles of contraction and expansion, and at some point, in the future, who knows how many years distant, some of these cities in a land once called [the [[United States|United States of North] America]] may be robust and cosmopolitan in ways that we can’t imagine now, any more than a Roman of A.D. 38 might have been able to imagine the future London of the Beatles.
** Chapter 1, p. 17–18.

* […] We have lived through as a narrative episode in a greater saga of human history. The industrial story has a beginning, a middle, and an end. [[w:First Industrial Revolution|It begins in the mid-eighteenth century with coal and the first steam engines]], [[w:Second Industrial Revolution|proceeds to a robust second act]] climaxing in the years before [[World War I]], and moves toward a third act resolution now that we can anticipate with some precision the depletion of the resources that made the industrial episode possible. As the industrial story ends, the greater saga of [hu]mankind will move on into a new episode, the Long Emergency. This is […] a self-evident point, but throughout history, even the most important and self-evident trends are often completely ignored because the changes they foreshadow are simply unthinkable. That process is sometimes referred to as an “outside context problem,” something so far beyond the ordinary experience of those dwelling in a certain time and place that they cannot make sense of available information. The collective mental static preventing comprehension is also sometimes referred to as “cognitive dissonance,” a term borrowed from developmental psychology. It helps explain why the […] public has been sleepwalking into the future. The Long Emergency is going to be a tremendous trauma for […] human[s] […]. It is likely to entail political [and social] turbulence every bit as extreme as the economic conditions that prompt it.
** Chapter 1, p. 20.

* Whole ideologies had to be constructed to account for being modern and to explain it.
** Chapter 2, p. 22.

* Now, exactly a hundred years after the first powered flight at {{w|Kitty Hawk, North Carolina}}, I can get on a jet airplane twice the size of a house several times a month and fly halfway across North America in the time it takes to finish a newspaper—and I end up feeling cranky and resentful about the service, to boot! They ran out of pretzels! The air conditioning was set too low! […] Everything characteristic about the condition we call modern life has been a direct result of our access to abundant supplies of cheap [[Fossil fuel|fossil fuels]]. Fossil fuels have permitted us to fly, to go where we want to go rapidly, and move things easily from place to place. Fossil fuels rescued us from the despotic darkness of the night. They have made the pharaonic scale of building commonplace everywhere. They have allowed a fractionally tiny percentage of our swollen populations to produce massive amounts of food. They have allowed us to develop industries of surpassing ingenuity and to push the limits of what it even means to be human [...]. [But] The age of fossil fuels is about to end. There is no replacement for them at hand. 
** Chapter 2, p. 23.

* Because the oil peak phenomenon […] cancels out further industrial growth of the kind we are used to, its implications lie radically outside […] economic paradigm. So, the oil peak phenomenon has been discounted to about zero among conventional economists, who assume that “market signals” about oil supplies will inevitably trigger innovation, which, in turn, will cause [something] new […] to materialize and enable further growth. If the market signals are not triggering innovation, then the problem must be overstated and growth under the oil regime will resume—after, say, a normal periodic downcycle. This is obvious casuistry, but casuistry can be a great comfort when a problem has no real solution. […] Our investment in an oil-addicted way of life […] is now so inordinately large that it is too late to salvage all the national wealth wasted on building it, or to continue that way of life more than a decade or so into the future. What’s more, as we have outsourced manufacturing to other countries, the entire U.S. economy has become more […] dependent on continued misinvestment in […] suburbia and its accessories. No politician wants to tell voters that the [[American Dream]] has been canceled for a lack of […] resources. The U.S. economy would disintegrate. So, whichever party is in power has tended to ignore the issue, change the subject, or spin it into the realm of delusion.
** Chapter 2, p. 28.

* Oil is an amazing substance. It stores a tremendous amount of energy per weight and volume. It is easy to transport. It stores easily at regular air temperature in unpressurized metal tanks, and it can sit there indefinitely without degrading. You can pump it through a pipe, you can send it all over the world in ships, you can haul it around in trains, cars, and trucks, you can even fly it in tanker planes and refuel other airplanes in flight. It is flammable but has proven to be safe to handle with a modest amount of care by people with double-digit IQs. […] We used [oil] [...] as if there was no tomorrow. Now there may not be one. That's how special oil has been. 
** Chapter 2, p. 31.

* […] Suburbia turned out to be a disappointing cartoon of country living rather than the real thing [that] was a tragic unanticipated consequence […].
** Chapter 2, p. 40.

* […] The base price of a barrel of oil did eventually more than quadruple by the time the embargo was called off in March 1974. And the price rise alone staggered the West and Japan. Already at that time, public transit was a thing of the past and about 85 percent of Americans drove to work every day.
** Chapter 2, p. 46.

* Oil is the world's most critical resource. Without it, nothing works in industrial civilization as currently configured. Few people dispute the idea that the world will eventually run out of oil, and there is a broad recognition that it will happen [...].
** Chapter 3, p. 64.

* The total planetary endowment of conventional nonrenewable liquid oil was [...] two trillion barrels before humans started using it [and possibly more, as most of it was used to protect the Earth's crust]. Since the mid-nineteenth century, the world has burned through [...] one trillion barrels of oil, [...] representing the easiest-to-get, highest-quality liquids. [...] Oil has enabled the [[w:Baby boom|[post-War] population explosion]].
** Chapter 3, p. 66.

* The denial about [the] global peak in the United States is already fierce, as investments in car-dependent, oil-addicted infrastructure are greater here than in any other nation and Americans consider their way of life a God-given entitlement. […] The economic [...] [struggle] among [...] all nations, [...] will be considerable and is certain to lead to increasingly desperate competition for diminishing supplies of oil [and every other resource]. 
** Chapter 3, p. 68.

* […] With China becoming a presence by necessity in the region, we would be back in a cold war again, or something worse, contesting with a rival world hegemon, this time over […] resources, not [just] ideology.
** Chapter 3, p. 84.

* Eventually, […] [we] will have to contend with the problems of the Long Emergency: the end of industrial growth, falling standards of living, economic desperation, declining food production, and domestic political strife. A point will be reached when the great powers of the world no longer have the means to project their power any distance. Even nuclear weapons may become inoperable, considering how much their careful maintenance depends on other technological systems linked to our fossil fuel economy.
** Chapter 3, p. 98.

* To some degree, all […] the non-fossil fuel energy sources […] depend on an underlying fossil fuel economy. You can’t manufacture metal wind turbines using wind energy technology. You can’t make lead-acid storage batteries for solar electric systems using any known solar energy systems.
** Chapter 3, p. 100.

* This age-old tendency of humans to believe in magical deliverance and to wish for happy outcomes has been aggravated by the very technological triumphs that the oil age brought into existence. Technology itself has become a […] supernatural force, one that has demonstrably delivered all kinds of miracles within the memory of many people now living […].
** Chapter 3, p. 101.

* Natural gas […] is not as versatile as gasoline, but it does a lot of tasks beautifully. Gas is the feedstock—the raw material—for a wide array of chemicals, pharmaceuticals, and plastics. Ninety-five percent of the nitrogenous fertilizers used in America are made […] of natural gas, and so it has become indispensable to U.S. agriculture.
** Chapter 3, p. 103.

* Both the mining and the washing [of hydrocarbons] require huge amounts of energy, and it has been proposed that any commercial exploitation of the [[w:Athabasca oil sands|Alberta tar sands]] would take 20 percent of [[Canada]]’s total natural gas production. In the long run, it might not be worth expending the energy from gas to get the energy from the tar sands. If oil from the tar sands themselves were used to process more tar sands, the return would be three barrels of oil for every two consumed. […] In the early days of conventional oil in [[Texas]], the {{w|ERoEI}} formula was very favorable, around twenty to one. The oil was found close to the surface on dry land in temperate places easy to work in, and it gushed out of the ground under its own pressure. […] Going a bit further, the fundamental equations that support all gigantic […] organisms, […] may no longer obtain, and human life would have to reorganize its activities on a different basis. Also, '''once these complex systems and their subsystems halt their operations, restarting them may range from difficult to impossible''' […].
** Chapter 3, p. 108.

* [[w:Ancient Roman architecture|Roman architecture]] would have been impossible without the complex socioeconomic platform of [the] empire. The medieval social platform for northern European life was less elaborate and […] less complex. Compare these two historical cases with the complexity of social and economic organization that allows oil to be extracted from the ground, refined to gasoline, transported six thousand miles, and used in a highly engineered, fine-tuned machine called a car, [to be] driven on a six-lane freeway. '''If the social and economic platform fails, how long before the knowledge base dissolves?''' Two hundred years from now, will anyone know how to build or even repair a 1962 Chrysler slant-six engine? Not to mention a Nordex 1500 kW wind turbine? […] The existing knowledge in basic physics and chemistry is so widespread that it is likely to persist quite a while into the future and provide a foundation for doing more with less than, say, the people of the eighteenth century were able to do with their more limited knowledge.
** Chapter 4, p. 130.

* We surely will have to reform our land-use habits and the oil-based transportation system that has allowed us to run our car-crazy suburban environments. We'll have to drastically change the way we grow our food and where we grow it. [The] social organization may be quite different in the decades ahead. Features of contemporary life that we have taken for granted [...] may fade into history. Politics that evolved to suit the [...] [industrial age] may morph beyond recognition [...].
** Chapter 4, p. 141.

* '''Our brains are […] not equipped to process events on the geologic scale'''—at least in reference to how we choose to live, or what we choose to do in the here-and-now.
** Chapter 5, p. 148.

* [Global warming] [...] happens to coincide with our imminent descent down the slippery slope of [...] [hydrocarbon] depletion, so that '''all the potential discontinuities of that epochal circumstance will be amplified, ramified, reinforced, and torqued by climate change.''' If global warming is a result of human activity, fossil fuel-based industrialism, [...] then it seems [...] the prospects are poor that […] human[s] […] will be able to do anything about it, because the journey down the oil depletion arc will be much more disorderly than the journey up was. '''The disruptions and hardships of decelerating industrialism will destabilize governments and societies to the degree that concerted international action [...] will never be carried out. In the chaotic world of diminishing and contested [...] resources, there will simply be a mad scramble to use up whatever [...] people can manage to lay their hands on.''' The very idea that we possess any control over the process seems to be further evidence of the delusion gripping our [...] culture [...].
** Chapter 5, p. 148–149.

* [...] Abrupt climate change may be normal in the planet's history, or, to state it differently, that the earth's [sic] climate is inherently very unstable.
** Chapter 5, p. 149. 

* Without the [[w:Gulf Stream|Gulf Stream]], [[United  Kingdom|Britain]], [[France]], the [[w:Low Countries|Low Countries]], and [[Scandinavia]] would have a climate like [[w:Labrador|Labrador]]’s, colder by {{convert|20|F|C}} in annual mean. The Gulf Stream has been likened to an oceanic conveyor belt. The force of the warm water flowing north has been described as equal to the volume of seventy-five [[w:Amazon River|Amazon river]]s.
** Chapter 5, p. 153.

* According to the {{w|IPCC}}, sea levels rose by ten to twenty centimeters during the twentieth century and are currently rising by about two millimeters a year, which is at the upper range of the rate of rise for the last century. With global warming accelerating, this is apt to increase. The accepted prediction is that sea levels will rise during the twenty-first century by about fifty centimeters, or a little under two feet, though some scientists predict a full meter. […] One-sixth of the people in the world live in coastal zones within one meter of sea level. This is the […] outside context problem so alien to contemporary experience that the public and its leaders can really find no way to process the information and figure out what to do about it—and for the excellent reason that it is not a problem with a direct solution. It is more a condition without a remedy. If the major shipping ports […] end up being submerged, humankind will just have to work around it. The disruptions to world trade might be epochal, gigantic, […] [and] tragic. It seems obvious that […] human[s] […] will simply have to adjust, even if that means adjusting to a new reality of severely lower expectations in living standards, comfort, and amenity. […] When the time comes, […] [we] will just have to move to higher ground. 
** Chapter 5, p. 162.

* Harvard biologist [[w:E. O. Wilson|Edward O. Wilson]] warns that [[China]]'s current program to mitigate huge population increases with gigantic water projects may have dire consequences. Irrigation and other withdrawals have already depleted the {{w|Yellow River}}, which, starting in 1972, has run bone-dry part of the year in {{w|Shandong}} province, where one-fifth of China's wheat and one-seventh of its corn is produced. In 1997, the river stopped flowing for a record 226 days. The groundwater levels of the northern China plains have plummeted. The water table in major grain-producing areas is falling at the rate of five feet a year. Of China's 617 cities, three hundred already face water shortages. Of China's approximately 23,000 miles of major rivers, 80 percent no longer support fish life. The [[w:Xiaolangdi Dam|Xiaolangdi dam project]] now underway along the Yellow River in north China is exceeded in size only by the {{w|Three Gorges Dam}} on the {{w|Yangtze}} in South China. In addition, the Chinese government intends to siphon water from the Yangtze […] and send it over by a canal system to the Yellow River and Beijing, respectively. When it is running, the Yellow River is already one of the most particle-laden in the world. Because of that, it is estimated that the Xiaolangdi dam would silt up within thirty years of completion. The […] project is reminiscent of another centrally planned mega-project that ended in grief: the [[Soviet Union]]'s scheme to drain the {{w|Aral Sea}} to irrigate gigantic cotton farms in [[Kazakhstan]]. The project turned one of the world's largest inland bodies of fresh water into [a] salty desert. The potential for calamity in China is therefore huge as it skirts a range of forces presented by the Long Emergency, any one of which, or some combination, could send it reeling over its tipping point: the effects of global climate change, competition for [every resource including] oil, extremes of pollution, disease, and war, either with its neighbors or internally. Despite the current veneer of prosperity and stability, China has tremendous potential for political chaos. As Wilson fearlessly points out, the pressure on China's agriculture and water resources is intensified by the predicament shared by many countries: runaway population growth [caused by industrialization]. '''Population growth rates may be mitigated […] from culture to culture by economic advance (which tends to lower reproductive rates by channeling women into the workplace), but economic development produces other [[w:Jevons paradox|not-so-benign consequences]].''' Developing [systems like] nation[-state]s invariably increase their energy use [as they grow complex]. More cars are used, more electricity [is] generated, [and] more greenhouse emissions [are] sent into the atmosphere. In the Long Emergency, […] “there will only be two types of nations: the over-developed and those which will never develop.” China may represent an amalgamation of those two conditions in one nation-state.
** Chapter 5, p. 163–164.

* Like China, the United States is divided […] in half between wet and dry. Though the human population of the United States is proportionately much smaller than China's, the amount of effort America has expended on manipulating habitats and altering terrain is as impressive in its own way as China's birthrate. Especially significant is the stupendous amount of paving laid down in the United States during the past hundred years. It prevents rain from being absorbed as groundwater and sends it instead into rivers, and […] into the ocean. The effect of this is the inability of water tables and wetlands to recharge and the diminishing ability of the terrain to support life. In the United States, only 2 percent of the country's rivers and wetlands remain free-flowing and undeveloped. As a result, the country has lost more than half of its wetlands.
** Chapter 5, p. 165.

* '''Climate change, competition for water, and polluted water sources will also be exacerbated by failures in the electric grid caused by oil and gas supply disruptions.''' Even if water is available, localities may lack the power to push it through their treatment plants and municipal pipes.
** Chapter 5, p. 166. 

* Fifty years of easy living with the miracle of antibiotics was a major contributor to the hubris that gripped the industrial nations in the early twenty-first century. Smallpox was eliminated except in strategic laboratory samples. Measles was conquered. Sexually transmitted diseases that used to leave people maimed and crazy were cured with one visit to the doctor. Many tropical diseases seemed to be on the wane as immunology and pharmacology bolstered widespread progress in sanitation and nutrition. The vanquishing of disease represented a [...] meta-victory by [hu]mankind over a much greater set of enemies than the parochial combatants of our geopolitical wars. Indeed, these great advances of medical science against disease took place against the backdrop of war. The United States emerged victorious from [[w:World War II|the last [...] world war]], having defeated manifest political evil, armed with penicillin and sulfa drugs. The postwar antibiotic miracle contributed to a false sense of security in the public and a sense of [...] omnipotence [...].
** Chapter 5, p. 167.

* '''As the struggle over the remaining oil and gas intensifies, larger numbers of economic losers will be created''', and those economic losers will be underfed, ill-housed, poorly doctored, badly informed, badly behaved, and subject to plummeting life expectancies.
** Chapter 5, p. 170.

* Despite miraculous advances in medical technology, genetic typing, and immunology, [...] [we] are not much better prepared for a severe flu epidemic than they were for [[w:Spanish flu|the 1918 outbreak]]. Epidemic influenza is extremely difficult to counteract. Flu vaccines developed in any given year are notoriously ineffective against new strains that come along the following year. It takes seven months or more to create, test, manufacture, and distribute a vaccine developed in direct response to a new virus, and by that time the disease can burn through global populations. '''If a pandemic broke out today, hospital facilities would be overwhelmed. Nurses and doctors would be infected along with the rest of the population.'''
** Chapter 5, p. 173.

* {{w|Operation Dark Winter}} employed a cast of volunteers […] to act out roles following a script in which a terrorist released smallpox in one eastern U.S. city. The result was sobering to an extreme. The public health system virtually collapsed. Hospitals degenerated into chaos. Smallpox spread to twenty-five states and overseas. The national stockpile of vaccines proved to be deeply inadequate. The exercise was called off after four days from the sheer exhaustion of the participants, while the fictional epidemic was still spreading. 
** Chapter 5, p. 176.

* The [[w:Germ theory of disease|germ theory]], which emerged in the late nineteenth century, focused the world's attention on the specific agents responsible for [...] diseases, but the [physical,] social and ecological contexts are equally important, and these are now coming more prominently into play with world population well beyond the limits of the earth's [sic] [...] [optimum] carrying capacity and with climate change [...] in progress. [...] Ecological [...] [pressures], rapid changes in land use, penetration of formerly inaccessible habitats, and disturbed migration routes can lead to the appearance or diffusion of a disease. While we may be able to identify [some, if not all] the microorganisms involved, we can be helpless in the face of it, and our behavior may still promote its spread.
** Chapter 5, p. 177.

* [...] The disturbance of global oil markets as the permanent energy crisis begins is liable to interrupt global commerce and global travel. Fewer […] will fly [...]. However, these same energy problems will surely reduce crop production, which would lead to reduced food aid to desperate populations [...], which would then lead to compromised immune systems and the [...] [invasion] of poor, hungry, and [...] unhealthy people [...]. This is an obvious recipe for conflict and woe. Where the refugee camps [are] set up, [the] disease will surely follow.
** Chapter 5, p. 178.

* '''The attrition of global populations by disease[s] may be unavoidable.''' Some [...] may regard it as the inevitable revenge of nature against the hubris of a human species arrogantly exceeding the carrying capacity of its habitat. Some may regard it as a moral victory against wickedness. Some may view it in the therapeutic mode as a positive development for the health of the planet. Many self-conscious &quot;humanists&quot; have militated for the goal of reducing population growth —though most of them would have [...] preferred widespread birth control [using contraceptive methods like the birth pill and condoms, ironically made from cheap oil] to a die-off. [Contraceptive methods] might have been just another product of the narcotic comfort of cheap oil [...]. Apart from these issues of attitude and ethics, however, a major decline in [...] population [...] is apt to have profound and strange repercussions on everyday life. 
** Chapter 5, p. 178.

* [...] We [...] flatter ourselves to think that we are above this kind of general catastrophe—because our [...] prowess during the [...] [industrial age] was so marvelous that all future problems are (supposedly) guaranteed to be solved by similar applications of ingenuity. This was certainly the consensus among the scientists, computer geniuses, and biotech millionaires [...]. They were uniformly uninterested in the issues of the global oil peak and natural gas depletion and utterly convinced that the industrial societies would be rescued by hydrogen, wind power, and solar electricity, all to be figured out by their cohort techno-geniuses in [...] time. If there is anything we have been stupendously bad at in the preceding century of wonders, it is recognizing the diminishing returns of our [...] [technological] prowess. Some of our greatest achievements, [...] have produced dreadful diminishing returns [...]. This persistent failure or weakness [...] negates the value of our ability to see what's coming. [...] Rather than [...] progress, we are more likely to see [...] the loss of information, ability, and confidence. 
** Chapter 5, p. 181.

* Many individual immune systems will be compromised by the hardships of the Long Emergency and disease will seize the opportunities presented, as it always has. [...] Millions [and perhaps billions] of human beings are going to die.
** Chapter 5, p. 182.

* As hunger and hardship increase, the world may see more than one wave of more than one disease. If [...] an influenza pandemic emerges, for instance, many [...] will succumb [...]. [...] The age-old human enemies [...] will be on hand with new immunity to the old techno-tricks of the [nineteenth and] twentieth [...] [centuries]. [...] Nobody really knows where that is taking us, though we do know that [...] [our ancestors] endured more than one ice age in the past.
** Chapter 5, p. 182–183.

* The current urban population of the world […] is greater than the entire population of the world in 1960. Seventy-eight percent of the urban dwellers in the so-called developing world live in slums. From the West African littoral to the mountainsides of the {{w|Andes}} to the banks of the {{w|Nile}}, the {{w|Ganges}}, the {{w|Mekong}}, and the {{w|Irrawaddy}}, new gigantic slums spread like immense laboratory growth media, waiting to host epidemic disease cultures. {{w|Lagos}}, [[Nigeria]], for example, grew from a city of 300,000 in 1950 to over ten million today. But Lagos, writes [[w:Mike Davis (scholar)|Mike Davis]], &quot;is simply the biggest node in the shanty-town corridor of 70 million people that stretches from {{w|Abidjan}} to {{w|Ibadan}}: probably the biggest continuous footprint of urban poverty on earth.&quot; Most of the world's new, exploding slums have only the most rudimentary sanitary arrangements, open sewers running along the corridor-like &quot;streets.&quot; In the slums of Bombay, there is an estimated one toilet per five hundred inhabitants. Currently, two million children die every year from waste-contaminated water in the world's slums. The enormity of this urban disaster is poorly comprehended in advanced nations like the United States, where the drinking water is still safe and even the poor have flush toilets connected to real sewers. But '''the slums of the world will […] be the breeding ground of the next pandemic''', and chances are, once it is underway, the wealthy nations will not be spared. 
** Chapter 5, p. 183.

* The entropic mess that our economy has become is the final blowoff of […] industrialism. The destructive practices known as &quot;free-market globalism&quot; were engendered by our run-up to and arrival at the world oil production peak. It was the logical climax of the oil &quot;story.&quot; It required the breakdown of all previous constraints […] to maximize the present at the expense of the future and to do so for the benefit of a very few at the expense of the many. […] Free-market globalism became the reigning orthodoxy […], challenged only by cranks wearing nose-rings at the very margins of society. '''The moment that the world recognizes the passing of the oil production peak as a reality, globalism will be dead both in theory and practice.'''
** Chapter 6, p. 185.

* '''Globalism was operated by oligarchical corporations on the gigantic scale, made possible by cheap oil. By “oligarchical” I mean that power was vested in small numbers of people running large organizations who were not accountable for their actions to many of the people who were subject to those actions. By “corporation,” I mean a group enterprise given the legal status of a “person,” with “rights,” but in fact devoid of any human qualities of ethics, humility, mercy, duty, or loyalty that would constrain those rights.''' As Wendell Berry put it, “a corporation […] is a pile of money to which a number of persons have sold their moral allegiance… It can experience no personal hope or remorse. No change of heart. It cannot humble itself. It goes about its business as if it were immortal, with the single purpose of becoming a bigger pile of money.
** Chapter 6, p. 186.

* The free-market part of the equation referred to the putative benefit of unrestrained economic competition between individuals, and because corporations enjoyed the legal status of persons, they were assumed to be on an equal footing with other persons in a given locality. Thus, Wal-Mart was considered the theoretical equal of Bob the appliance store owner, and if Bob happened to lose in the retail competition because he couldn't order 50,000 coffeemakers at a crack from a factory 12,000 miles away in {{w|Hangzhou}}, and receive a deep discount for being such an important customer, well, it wasn't as though he hadn't been given the chance.
** Chapter 6, p. 187.

* Cheap oil had allowed populations to explode in precisely those parts of the world that had had, for millennia, a high infant mortality rate and modest life expectancy. Cheap oil was behind the &quot;green revolution&quot; that increased the food supply in the nonindustrial world. Oil was also behind many of the medicines and preventives that had neutralized […] diseases. Now, suddenly, most of those children […] survived, grew up and produced more children who survived and grew up, and over the course of the twentieth century, the global populations hurtled into extreme numerical overshoot. Populations were, in effect, eating oil, notably in food exports from the United States, where agribusiness had completely taken over from agriculture. Local farmers in Africa, Asia, or South America couldn’t compete with corporate [[w:ADM (company)|Archer Daniels Midland]]’s oil-and-gas-based grain crops and U.S. government subsidies. There was no point in even bringing their hardscrabble crops to market when sacks of cheap American wheat sat on the docks of [[w:Busan|Pusan]] or [[Colombo]]. Farmers in those places felt that they had no choice but to migrate to the city and find some other way to get by. The only comparative advantage that these people possessed was their willingness to work for next to nothing. '''Cheap oil and free-market globalism turned comparative advantage into a new kind of feudalism, with the corporations as the lords and the overabundant locals as the serfs.''' And then, when the comparative advantage of cheap labor […] of one place, […] was superseded by the cheaper labor […] of another place, […] the corporations just moved their operations.
** Chapter 6, p. 187–188.

* The idea of comparative advantage works when there is a complex local economy intact in the background of each trading partner’s specialized item of production, with a variety of social roles and occupational niches to support the long-term project of community. But a locality geared to doing only one thing for export is […] a slave system based on the extractive economics of mining. […] One group had all the cheap labor, and another group had all the capital, and for a while, one group made all the things that the other group “consumed.” Thus, comparative advantage became, for a time, a con game strictly for the benefit of large corporations, which ended up enjoying all the advantages while the localities sucked up the costs.
** Chapter 6, p. 188.

* The corporations benefiting from this regime often had no physical home of their own, even in their country of origin—and not a few American corporations had moved their official address to [[w:Tax haven|Caribbean pseudo nations]], where the banking and tax laws were more agreeable. The corporations had no allegiance to any […] place or the people of that place, so the destruction they wreaked was as manifest in the ravaged towns of [[Ohio]] and upstate [[New York City|New York]] as in the environmental degradation of [[China]]. America was hardly immune to the consequences of free-market globalism. In effect, the American heartland was overtaken by a new […] corporate colonialism, emanating from our own culture, but no less destructive than the imposition of foreign rule.
** Chapter 6, p. 188–189.

* Did Americans sell out their towns, their neighbors, the memory of their ancestors, and the future of their grandchildren because they were helplessly in thrall to the blandishments of a cheap-oil economy? I honestly don’t know, though I tend to view the outcome as the result of many collective bad choices made by the public and its leaders. But were those choices inescapable? Certainly, the process was insidious and played out over several generations. 
** Chapter 6, p. 189-190.

* There have to be limits. If we project “housing starts” ninety-nine years forward at current rates, there wouldn’t be a single build-able quarter-acre lot left in the world. Not a few economists would rationalize this outcome by declaring that ninety-nine years from now we will have colonies on the [[moon]] or [[Mars]] or under the {{w|Sea of Cortez}}. Or that technology coupled with human ingenuity will solve the problem some other way, […] by genetically reengineering human beings to be one inch tall or booting all our consciousnesses into computer servers where unlimited numbers of virtual people could dwell in unlimited virtual environments of endless cyberspace.
** Chapter 6, p. 192-193.

* It is assumed now that human beings, prompted by the market, will employ ingenuity to discover a substitute for oil and gas, once the price starts to ramp up beyond the “affordable” range. This assumption is apt to prove fallacious because […] the laws of thermodynamics state that energy can’t be created out of nothing, only changed from low entropy to high entropy, and that we have already changed the half [or perhaps a fraction] of our [planet's] oil endowment that was easiest to get into dispersed carbon dioxide, which is now ratcheting up global warming and climate change, which might well put the industrial adventure out of business before human ingenuity can come up with a substitute for oil.
** Chapter 6, p. 194.

* […] The […] oil-fueled boom that energized the suburban expansion of the 1920s brought turmoil and trouble to the farm economy. Thirty percent of the U.S. population still lived on farms in the 1920s. U.S. farmers had done well during World War I, exporting grain to a Europe that had become a shell-blasted battlefield. By the early 1920s, though, Europeans were able to feed themselves again. Meanwhile, the introduction of the tractor and the mechanization of farming in the United States led quickly to massive overproduction of grain. Unable any longer to pawn off the surplus on Europe, America suffered a crash in grain prices. '''The farm depression, which preceded the financial depression by half a decade, was a self-reinforcing feedback loop. As the market prices of corn and wheat plunged, farmers desperately tried to make up for low prices by producing more, which the domestic markets could not absorb, leading to even greater surpluses and more depressed prices.'''
** Chapter 6, p. 204.

* By the mid-1920s, the great wave of immigration suddenly ended. The [[w:Immigration Act of 1924|National Origins Act of 1924]] and other measures set new highly restrictive immigration quotas that cut new admissions to 2 percent of each nationality from the 1890 census. This choked off what had been a constant half-century-long demographic subsidy of ever more customers for U.S. manufacturers.
** Chapter 6, p. 205.

* Finance came to be viewed as a productive activity itself rather than a means to promote production. The public was no longer buying stock to invest in enterprises that would pay dividends over time, but merely because one could get rich from buying and selling stocks. As more people bought in, stock prices climbed still higher—a dangerous positive feedback loop.
** Chapter 6, p. 205-206.

* [...] The human race living off the &quot;drawdown&quot; of nonrenewable fossil fuel resources is the equivalent of the algae [...] enjoying a temporary rush of nutrients [...] [or a star burning more hydrogen than it could].
** Chapter 6, p. 208.

* The entropy produced in [[World War II]] was much more widespread and profound than that of World War I. In [[World War I]] the action had taken place […] entirely on rural terrain, classic battlefields. In World War II, much of the warfare was urban. The long-range bomber had reached a high stage of refinement in the twenty-plus years between world wars. None of the major capitals had been damaged in World War I. In World War II, hundreds of towns and cities were destroyed in Europe and Asia. Berlin was reduced to gravel; London was badly mutilated; and, of course, Hiroshima and Nagasaki became radioactive ashtrays. The casualties of World War I had been enormous, astonishing, [and] appalling beyond civilized peoples’ wildest dreams, but the victims had been overwhelmingly soldiers. The casualties in World War II were overwhelmingly civilians and in much greater aggregate numbers.
** Chapter 6, p. 212–213.

* '''[[American Dream|American life]], with its twin engines of suburbanization and factory production of consumer goods for the […] world, became so quickly and obviously successful''' that a new consensus formed supporting the value of the dollar and its paper accessories in capital markets, chiefly stocks, and bonds. This is not to say that the securities markets boomed in the 1950s and 1960s —it took until then just to recover the value levels of the pre-1929 crash —but stocks and bonds did regain respectability, [and] legitimacy. Those who had lived through the Great Depression, meaning virtually all the men who had served in the wartime army, had very modest expectations about the role of finance in the postwar economy. In the 1950s and 1960s, Americans bought stocks for the annual dividends they paid, not to flip them for a quick profit. In fact, share prices remained […] very flat during this period. The whole notion of investment was different than it would become later in the twentieth century. In the 1950s and 1960s, stock and bond values were linked much more directly with the successful production of real goods. General Motors derived its profits and paid its dividends on the basis of auto sales, not as today, primarily from leveraging interest rates and other abstract numbers' games removed from the actual making of products. In sum, the public attitude about the role of finance was extremely conservative. Finance was not an “industry” per se, but a set of institutions designed to keep the idea of money and its accessories credible, […] to allow real industries to function.
** Chapter 6, p. 215.

* Banking also regained respectability after the calamities of the 1930s. Federal deposit insurance, which had been instituted in the depths of the Great Depression, and only for deposits under $2,500, was raised to $10,000 in 1950, and the middle class was induced to feel confident about keeping its money in banks again. Interest rates remained modest, but so did inflation. The influx of savings made money available in capital markets to invest in new ventures. It was real money derived from work already done, pay already earned, true capital. Before the great orgy of mergers and consolidation that began in the 1970s, retail banking was […] local and community-centered. Bankers made loan decisions based on firsthand knowledge of projects going on in their communities—not, as today, based on bundling and selling clumps of mortgages for generic suburban developments they have never laid eyes on.
** Chapter 6, p. 216.

* The rebellion of the [[Hippie|hippie]]s […] based itself on the notion that abundance was a natural entitlement, and one could &quot;drop out&quot; of an insecure, deadly, and frightening industrial culture to live off the fat of the land. It was inescapably a jejune philosophy, fraught with contradictions. For the hippies, the natural order of things included items such as stereo record players, electric guitars, motor vehicles for adventuring around the country, cheap bulk whole grains, and other products of an oil-intensive industrial way of life. '''The hippie platform […] with all its mystical incunabula, rested on the platform of “normal” [[American Dream|American life]] and would have been impossible without it.'''
** Chapter 6, p. 217.

* At the start of the [[w:1980s oil glut|oil glut]], a climactic set of economic relations took shape led by Prime Minister [[Margaret Thatcher]] (and joined eagerly by President Reagan and his advisors) that would be called “globalism.” It was not so much a new idea as the logical and inevitable result of mature self-organizing systems elaborating themselves under the influence of renewed, immense energy inputs—the ultimate cheap-oil way of doing business in the [supposedly] closed system that is the planet [[Earth]]. It entailed the maximization of short-term profit and the minimization of care for future generations. It was the ultimate generator of entropy.
** Chapter 6, p. 219.

* In America, globalism meant the accelerated dismantling of the nation's manufacturing base and its reassignment to other countries where labor was dirt cheap and environmental regulations did not apply. It also meant the ramping up of a “service economy” or, more properly, the myth of a service economy to replace the old manufacturing economy. […] It was […] absurd. It was like the old joke about the village that prospered because the inhabitants were all employed taking in each other’s laundry. In fact, far fewer actual things of value were being created in the service economy. […] It was assumed, for instance, that computers […] boosted productivity. Much of that gain was either illusory or fraught with collateral social and economic losses of other kinds. Companies that reported higher productivity were shedding employees like mad and the entire ethos of work in America was being transformed from one of [the] people having secure careers and permanent positions with reliable companies to one of institutionalized insecurity for […] everyone below top management in a new general atmosphere of Darwinian corporate ruthlessness—under the rubric of &quot;free-market competition.&quot;
** Chapter 6, p. 220.

* '''What one also saw in the America of the 1980s and 1990s was commoditization and conversion of public goods into private luxuries, the impoverishment of the civic realm, and, to put it bluntly, the rape of the landscape—a vast entropic enterprise that was the culminating phase of suburbia.''' The dirty secret of the American economy in the 1990s was that it was no longer about anything except the creation of suburban sprawl and the furnishing, accessorizing, and financing of it. It resembled the efficiency of cancer. Nothing else really mattered except building suburban houses, trading away the mortgages, selling the multiple cars needed by the inhabitants, upgrading the roads into commercial strip highways with all the necessary shopping infrastructure, and moving vast supplies of merchandise made in China for next to nothing to fill up those houses. The economy of suburban sprawl was a systemic self-organizing response to the availability of inordinately cheap oil with ever-increasing entropy expressed in an ever-increasing variety of manifestations from the destruction of farmland to the decay of the cities, to widespread psychological depression, to the rash of school shooting sprees, to epidemic obesity. Americans didn’t question the validity of the suburban sprawl economy. They accepted it at face value as the obvious logical outcome of their hopes and dreams and defended it viciously against criticism. They steadfastly ignored its salient characteristic: that it had no future either as an economy or as a living arrangement. Each further elaboration of the suburban system made it less likely to survive any change in conditions, most particularly any change in the equations of cheap oil. It wasn't until the traumas of the 1970s that the finance sector mutated from being an adjunct of the industrial economy to becoming an “industry” in its own right helping to “drive” the economy. '''Among the distortions and perversions engendered by the “stagflation” economy was the rise of corporate cannibalism in the form of “creative” mergers and acquisitions, specifically hostile takeovers, the aggressive use of voting stock shares to gain control of companies that did not wish to sell, with the subsequent filleting and sell-off of assets, and discarding of the bones and offal (employee payrolls and obligations, careers, livelihoods, communities).'''
** Chapter 6, p. 222–223.

* In the face of the things like the {{w|Dot-com bubble|dot-com meltdown}}, the {{w|LTCM}} scare, the {{w|Enron scandal}}, and other disasters that eroded the notional value of financial paper, homeownership itself was now turned into a magical generator of unearned riches for both borrowers and lenders. It was consistent with the [[Las Vegas]]-ization of the national moral sense, chiefly the increasingly popular belief at every level of American life that it really was possible to get something for nothing. Anyone could see this in the easy public acceptance of gambling as okay and the proliferation of casinos everywhere in the land. Not even the evangelical Christians seemed to mind. There is no such thing as intrinsic value in a house. A huge percentage of the public has now put its net worth into something that […] isn't an investment. Apart from false econometrics of rising house valuations and the leverage that affords for raising cash within the context of the current lending rackets, a house is much more of a consumer product than an investment, especially the kind of houses built in recent decades in America, namely stapled-together boxes made of particle board and plastic cladding that require continual reinvestment in petty cash and labor for upkeep, and will probably not hold their value, even if well cared for, because of poor locational choices. A house on a one-acre lot in a subdivision in {{w|Loudoun County, Virginia}}, thirty-two miles from downtown [[Washington, D.C.|Washington]], […] a magnificent thing to behold today, with a soaring lawyer-foyer entrance, a restaurant-grade kitchen, and an inground pool out back. But if there is less gasoline to power up the fleet of cars necessary to service it, and no natural gas to heat the thousand-square-foot cathedral-ceilinged lawyer foyer, then chances are that the house is going to be a liability rather than an asset.
** Chapter 6, p. 229.

* The supernaturally low-interest rates provoked an orgy of buying and the orgy of buying bid up the prices of the houses, and as the prices of the houses levitated, the owners entered another new and strange zone of hallucinated wealth accumulation using the latest contrivance: the refinanced mortgage. Re-fi's allowed house owners to use their houses as though they were automatic teller machines. Say a person bought a house in 1999 for $250,000 and the house was appraised in 2003 at $400,000; that person could refinance with a substantial &quot;cash out&quot; privilege, converting the imagined increase of value into disposable income, which could then be used to buy motorboats, home theater plasma TV screens, or trips to Las Vegas. Refinancing prestidigitated an estimated $1.6 trillion for the American economy over a five-year period, and much of that &quot;money&quot; was deployed purchasing &quot;consumer&quot; goods—mostly made outside the United States. From 1999 to 2004 […] a third of all house owners indulged in cash-out re-fi mortgages. […] Behind every extravagant cash extraction lay the belief that at some future date the house would be worth a lot more than the re-fi price and could be readily flipped.
** Chapter 6, p. 231.

* After the mid-1990s, there was hardly a technical distinction to be made anymore between high-risk borrowers and everybody else in the casino atmosphere of [North] America[n] society. No one was at risk anymore because in the something-for-nothing economy it was impossible to be a loser. Or so went the herd thinking. […] It is […] likely that the housing bubble will have begun to come to grief.
** Chapter 6, p. 232.

* The failure of the [[w:Government-sponsored enterprise|GSE]]s would make the [[w:Savings and loan crisis|S&amp;L fiasco of the 1980s]] look like a bad night of poker. The failure of the GSEs would pose a far graver situation than the [[w:Long-Term Capital Management|LTCM]] flameout. It could easily bring on cascading failures that might jeopardize global finance. This time, the […] public would feel the pain.
** Chapter 6, p. 233.

* If the folks who lived along this highway put in gardens to make up for the escalating inadequacies of an industrial farming system starved for fossil fuel “inputs,” would they be able to feed themselves? '''Did any vernacular knowledge survive in a populace conditioned to think that food came from the supermarket? Did they know anything about cabbage loopers, powdery mildew, or anthracnose? Would they be able to prevent catastrophic crop loss? How would they defend their crops against deer, rabbits, [and] woodchucks? Would any of them know how to build a garden wall or even a fence? Where would they get fencing material? Would they have to sit out among the potato hills and the bean rows at night with loaded shotguns? And what would they do for light when they heard something munching out there? Would they know how to keep chicken, sheep, [and] cattle, including breeding and birthing them?'''
** Chapter 7, p. 237.

* Because […] systems are self-organizing in the face of circumstance, the big questions are '''how much disorder must we endure as things change, and how hard will we struggle to continue a particular way of life with no future?''' […] The U.S. economy of the decades to come will center on farming, not high-tech, […] “information,” or “services,” or space travel, […] tourism, or finance. All other activities will be secondary to food production, which will require much more human labor. 
** Chapter 7, p. 239.

* [...] [Everything] [...] tend[s] toward diminishing returns and unsustainability, [...] even in the short term.
** Chapter 7, p. 240.

* A hundred years ago, just before the introduction of the fossil fuel-based technologies, more than 30 percent of the American population was engaged in farming. Now the figure is 1.6 percent. The issue is not moral, academic, or aesthetic. […] It’s a matter of those ratios being made possible only because cheap oil and automation made up for so much human labor.
** Chapter 7, p. 241.

* The energy disruptions of the Long Emergency are going to remind us that the skyscraper was an experimental building form.
** Chapter 7, p. 253.

* The lucky suburbanites will be the ones with the forethought to trade in their suburban McHouses for property in the towns and small cities and prepare for a vocational life doing something useful and practical on the small scale. 
** Chapter 7, p. 256.

* Wal-Mart will not be able to profitably run its “warehouse on wheels” when the price of oil fluctuates chronically. […] We will never again experience the explosion of products, choices, and nonstop marketing that characterized the late twentieth century. The public may look back on the big-box shopping era with deep and mournful nostalgia, but we are apt to discover that happiness is still possible without the extraordinary advertising-driven compulsive materialism of recent decades. '''We will still have commerce. We will have [a] trade. There will be shopping. We will have […] medium of exchange. But we are not going to live in a perpetual blue-light special sale of cornucopian wretched excess.'''
** Chapter 7, p. 257.

* Even if we can’t get all the tools and the products we currently enjoy, we will retain a lot of basic knowledge that the people of Jefferson’s day just didn’t have. For instance, we will still understand that infections and many diseases are caused by microorganisms, not bad air, phases of the moon, or evil spells and that knowledge alone confers powerful advantages in daily living.
** Chapter 7, p. 258.

* '''Large-scale corporate enterprise has brought humankind much material comfort in two centuries but at the price of fantastic unintended consequences (externalized costs) ranging from the destruction of local communities to climate change. Large-scale corporations will be vulnerable to the collapse of capital formation markets that must accompany the end of the cheap oil fiesta. Corporate enterprise can certainly be reorganized on the small, local community scale, but it will not be the same as {{w|General Motors}}. Corporate enterprise in the Long Emergency may revert to being more public in nature and far less sovereign in power.''' There may be one exception: The most visible […] corporate organization that might survive the Long Emergency may be the church. Whether Catholic or Pentecostal or something new we haven't seen yet; the church won't have to rely on oil supplies. Organized religion doesn't have to traffic in awkward material products, only in beliefs, and it can operate at many scales simultaneously. Because American culture is constitutionally allergic to religious governance, we may have problems if churches are the only large organizations left standing—that is, assuming we still have the same constitution.
** Chapter 7, p. 259.

* We should […] conclude that the abandoned big-box structures will not last more than one generation under any circumstances. […] The same thing can be said about malls, strip malls, and chain restaurant buildings. Eventually, they will be the salvage yards and mines of the future.
** Chapter 7, p. 261.

* One final thing worth noting on the subject of rail: From 1890 to about 1920, American localities managed to construct hundreds of local and interurban streetcar lines that added up to a magnificent national system (independent of the national heavy rail system). Except for two twenty-mile gaps in New York state, one could ride the trolley lines from [[New England]] clear out to Wisconsin. The story of the conspiracy by General Motors and other companies to destroy the U.S. interurban system is well documented. The salient point, however, is how rapidly the system was created in the first place, and how marvelously well it served the public in the period before the automobile became established.
** Chapter 7, p. 268-269.

* It's hard to imagine a more purposeless activity than American-style high school in our time. […] The public questions its basic premises or mode of operation any more than the public questions the economy of suburban sprawl. But [the] high school in our time amounts to little more than daycare for virtual adults in which some learning might incidentally take place, much of it of dubious value.
** Chapter 7, p. 271.

* The Southwest also faces increasing friction with adjoining [[Mexico]]. This is not a racist provocation but a description of reality. '''No other first-world country has such an extensive land frontier with a third-world country. The income gap between the United States and Mexico is greater than that between any other two contiguous countries in the world.'''
** Chapter 7, p. 275.

* In any case, it is human nature to consider a place “home” if you were born there, or have family there, or have spent some portion of your life there, and people are naturally reluctant to leave home. I daresay that many Americans now living in the Southwest will not be disposed to understand what is really happening—that the carrying capacity of their home region has been suddenly and drastically reduced—and they will hunker down hoping for a return to better times.
** Chapter 7, p. 279.

* After air conditioning became widely affordable, southerners hardly went outside anymore, unless it was in a motor vehicle. Anything about southern vernacular architecture that once had been graceful in adapting to the climate was cast aside for the pleasures of air conditioning and cheapness of construction.
** Chapter 7, p. 283.

* The Long Emergency will cause unprecedented social and economic dislocation, and the outcome may be a world we would barely recognize. The [...] egalitarian society we knew in the [...] twentieth century may become drastically more hierarchical as large numbers of desperate people place themselves in the service of those who control land, especially following a period of anarchy. Under such harsh conditions, the weaker individuals will sell their allegiance in return for security.
** Chapter 7, p. 286–287.

* The gigantic smear of suburbia that runs […] without interruption from north of Boston through Connecticut, New York, New Jersey, Baltimore, Washington, and northern Virginia is not going to be a happy place.
** Chapter 7, p. 291.

* The circumstances of the Long Emergency will be the opposite of what we currently experience. '''There will be hunger instead of plenty, cold where there was once warmth, effort where there was once leisure, sickness where there was health, and violence where there was peace.''' We will have to adjust our attitudes, values, and ideas to accommodate these new circumstances and we may not recognize the people will soon become or the people we once were. In a world where sheer survival dominates all other concerns, a tragic view of life is apt to reassert itself. This is another way of saying that we will become keenly aware of the limitations of human nature [...]. Life will get much more real.
** Chapter 7, p. 303.

* '''I’m aware of having already lived more than a half-century through the greatest fiesta of luxury, comfort, and leisure that the world has ever known.''' I enjoyed central heating, air conditioning, cheap airfares, cable TV, advanced orthopedic surgery, and computers.
** Chapter 7, p. 304.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.kunstler.com/ James Howard Kunstler home page]
* [http://jameshowardkunstler.typepad.com/ Comment on current events by Jim Kunstler]
* [http://www.ted.com/talks/view/id/121 TED Talks: James Howard Kunstler dissects suburbia] at [[Wikipedia:TED (conference)|TED]] in 2004

{{DEFAULTSORT:Kunstler, James Howard}}
[[Category:Novelists from the United States]]
[[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]]
[[Category:Bloggers from the United States]]
[[Category:Social critics]]
[[Category:Critics from the United States]]
[[Category:Orators from the United States]]
[[Category:Activists from the United States]]
[[Category:American Jews]]
[[Category:People from New York City]]
[[Category:1948 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]

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'''[[W:James Howard Kunstler|James Howard Kunstler]]''' (born [[October 19]], [[1948]], New York City, New York) is an American author, social critic, public speaker, and blogger.

== Quotes ==
* As modern interpolators might say, the bubonic plague winnowed down Europe’s population to a scale more congenial with its resource base. After that big first wave of the disease, [the] land was cheaper and human labor better rewarded. Eventually, more food got around. Incidentally, '''the plague provoked nostalgia for the classical antiquity of [[Greece]] and [[Rome]], especially among the scholars of [[Florence]], launching the extravaganzas of the [[Renaissance]], the [[Age of Enlightenment|Enlightenment]], and eventually our own pageant of techno-supremacist [[Modernity]].'''
** &quot;Dance Macabre,&quot; May 18, 2020.
* […] '''Life is tragic and history won’t shed a tear for us''' if we make poor collective decisions, or adopt beliefs that are inconsistent with reality.
** &quot;The Old American Dream Is a Nightmare,&quot; March 9, 2011.

=== ''[[w:World Made by Hand|World Made by Hand]]'' (2008) ===
Kunstler, James Howard. ''World Made by Hand''. New York, NY: Grove Press, 2008. Print. {{ISBN|978-0-8021-4401-0}}.

* In the early twenty-first century [[farming]] had all but died out here. We got our food from the supermarket, and not everybody cared where the supermarket got it as long as it was there on the shelves. A few elderly dairymen hung on. Many let their fields and pastures go to scrub. Some sold out to what used to be called developers, and they'd put in five or ten poorly build houses. Now, […] there were far fewer people, and many houses outside [the] town were being taken down for their materials. Farming was back. That was the only way we got food.
** Chapter 1, p. 5

* We lived more by the sun than by the clock, but I did own a clock. It was an eight-day windup console clock which I kept on the mantel in the living room, and it was the only timepiece in the house that worked anymore.
** Chapter 4, p. 20

* Living by the clock was an old habit that died hard. Not much that we did required punctuality, but people still wanted to know what time it was.
** Chapter 4, p. 20

* The racket was coming over what used to be our public radio station, WAMC out of [[Wikipedia:Albany, New York|Albany]], but the familiar [...] voices [...] were long gone. Some febrile evangelist was railing from the [[Book of Revelation]].
** Chapter 4, p. 20

* I switched on the television on the outside chance that something might come through. Nothing had been on for years. The local network affiliates withered away after the national network of cable channels went out until there was nothing. 
** Chapter 4, p. 20–21

* I searched the FM band but there was nothing besides other pious pleaders, and they didn't come in too well. The AM band offered about the same thing, only with worse reception, nothing remotely describable as news, and no music because commercial entertainment as we knew it was no more, and its handmaiden, advertising had gone with it.
** Chapter 4, p. 21

* I had one of those steel thermal mugs you carried everywhere with you as a kind of signifier of how busy, and therefore how important you were.
** Chapter 4, p. 22

* It was obvious there would be no return to [what we used to call] &quot;normality.&quot; The [resource-intensive] economy wouldn't be coming back. [[Wikipedia:Globalism|Globalism]] was over. The politicians and generals were failing to pull things together at the center. We would not be returning to Boston. The computer industry, in which so many hopes had been vested, was fading into history.
** Chapter 4, p. 24

* In a world that had become a salvage operation, the general supply evolved into Union Grove's leading industry. When every […] useful thing in town had been stripped from the [[Wikipedia:Kmart|Kmart]] and the United Auto, the [[Wikipedia:CVS Pharmacy|CVS drugstore]], and other trading establishments of the bygone national chain-store economy, daily life became a perpetual flea market centered on the old town dump.
** Chapter 5, p. 28

* We regarded [[Wikipedia:Opium|opium]] as a godsend. It did not develop into an illicit trade, though. There was no legal prohibition, no police running around trying to suppress drugs, driving up the price artificially, and no marketing system. There were no distant markets to send it to because shipping anything was slow at best and often unreliable, and travel was something you just didn't do anymore. Anybody could grow their own [[Wikipedia:Papaver somniferum|poppies]] or buy raw opium paste from one of the growers. Farmers made more money growing raspberries or asparagus. They grew poppies as a public service. A few people took to smoking opium, but those with an extremely apathetic attitude toward survival tended not to last long in the new disposition of things.
** Chapter 5, p. 30

* Children [...] had sat in those very box buildings under buzzing fluorescent lights listening to their science teachers prattle about the wonders of space travel and gene splicing and how we were all going to live to be a hundred and twenty-five years old in &quot;smart&quot; computer-controlled houses where all we had to do was speak to bump up the heat or turn on giant home theater screens in a life of perpetual leisure and comfort. It made me sick to think about. Not because there's something necessarily wrong with leisure or comfort, but because that's where our aspirations ended. And in the face of what had […] happened to us, it seemed obscenely stupid.
** Chapter 6, p. 33–34

* Motion is a great tranquilizer.
** Chapter 6, p. 34

* Few dogs were around anymore. Some had been eaten during the hunger that followed the flu in the spring of that year. People didn't talk about it; it was so demoralizing.
** Chapter 7, p. 36

* Jesus [...] look how we live? I'm […] a serf.
** Chapter 7, p. 37

* You could argue people are generally better off now mentally than they were back then. We follow the natural cycles. We eat real food instead of processed crap full of chemicals. We're not jacked up on coffee and television and [...] advertising all the time. No more anxiety about credit card bills.
** Chapter 7, p. 37–38

* We all knew the apparatus of justice had dissolved.
** Chapter 12, p. 57

* As the world changed, we reverted to social divisions that we'd thought were obsolete. The egalitarian pretenses of the high-octane decades had dissolved, and nobody even debated it anymore, including the women of our town. A plain majority of the townspeople were laborers now, whatever in life they had been before. Nobody in town called them peasants, but in effect, that's what they'd become. That's just the way things were.
** Chapter 21, p. 101

* [[Wikipedia:Waterford (town), New York|Waterford]] began its existence as the gateway to the [[Wikipedia:Erie Canal|Erie Canal system]], the first stretch of which was built to bypass several waterfalls on the [[Wikipedia:Mohawk River|Mohawk River]].
** Chapter 28, p. 137

* I remembered Albany [...] as just another down-on-its-luck small American city that had sacrificed its vitality to a whirring ring of homogenous suburbs.
** Chapter 29, p. 140

* We're building our own New Jerusalem up the river. It's a world made by hand, now, one stone at a time, one board at a time, one hope at a time, one soul at a time.
** Chapter 29, p. 142

* Whatever the other failures of the U.S. government were, it had managed to print an excess of dollars which, combined with the collapse of trade and communication, had severely eroded the currency's value.
** Chapter 30, p. 146

* I lay awake [...] listening to the rain drip from the eaves and thinking of the big map that hung from the top of the chalkboard in my primary school in Wilton, Connecticut, so many years ago, back in the days of cars, television, and air-conditioning. The states on this map were muted tones of pink, green, and yellow. Over it hung the flag that we pledged allegiance to every single morning. &quot;One nation under God, indivisible...&quot;
** Chapter 31, p. 150

* I'd been carrying [my Ruger .41 Magnum] so many days that I had almost forgotten it was there. This was the kind of world we now lived in.
** Chapter 36, p. 171

* I argued that […] human[s] […] should have known it was in trouble, [...] given how insane our way of life had become. Minor quit blowing into his harmonica long enough to say that [[Wikipedia:John D. Rockefeller|John D. Rockefeller]] and the [[Wikipedia:Bush family|Bush family]] had made a deal with the Devil going back all the way to the 1900s.
** Chapter 38, p. 181

* Could we even pretend the law still existed? Or was it something you made up now, as the occasion required?
** Chapter 38, p. 181

* The essence of politics was to not act on your impulses.
** Chapter 42, p. 199

* There's real strangeness in this world of ours. Back in the machine times, there was so much noise front and back, […] it kept us from knowing what lies behind the surface of things. 
** Chapter 55, p. 262

* It was more possible that […] human[s] […] possessed some spark of divinity that was worth cultivating than that a mysterious ''being'' was up there in the ether somewhere with anthropomorphic qualities of goodness and mercy running the whole show.
** Chapter 65, p. 315–316

* We were content to be undisturbed in our little backwater, Union Grove, [[Wikipedia:Washington County, New York|Washington County]], in a place once called the [[Wikipedia:New York State|Empire State]], where the [[Wikipedia:Battenkill|Battenkill]] runs into the [[Wikipedia:Hudson River|Hudson River]].
** Chapter 65, p. 317

=== ''[[w:The Long Emergency|The Long Emergency]]'' (2005) ===
Kunstler, James Howard. ''The Long Emergency''. New York, NY: Grove Press, 2005. Print. {{ISBN|978-0-8711-3888-0}}.

* It has been [...] hard [...] to make sense of the gathering forces that will fundamentally alter the terms of everyday life in [...] society. Even after the {{w|September 11 attacks|terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001}}, that collapsed the twin towers of the {{w|World Trade Center (1973–2001)|World Trade Center}} and sliced through [[the Pentagon]], [...] [we are] still sleepwalking into [an uncertain] [...] future. We have walked out of our burning house, and we are now headed off the edge of a cliff. Beyond that cliff is an abyss of economic and political disorder on a scale that no one has ever seen before. […]  It is my view, for instance, that in the decades to come the national government will prove to be so impotent and ineffective in managing the enormous vicissitudes we face that the [[United States]] may not survive as a nation in any meaningful sense but […] will devolve into a set of autonomous regions.
** Chapter 1, p. 1.

* It is no exaggeration to state that reliable supplies of cheap [and easy-to-find [[hydrocarbon]]s like] [[oil]] and [[w:natural gas|natural gas]] underlie everything we identify as a benefit of modern life. All the necessities, comforts, luxuries, and miracles of our time [...] owe their origins or continued existence in one way or another to cheap fossil fuel. Even our nuclear power plants [...] depend on cheap [...] [hydrocarbons] for all the procedures of construction, maintenance, and extracting and processing nuclear fuels. The blandishments of cheap oil and gas were so seductive, and induced such transports of mesmerizing contentment, that we ceased paying attention to the essential nature of these miraculous gifts from the [deep] earth: that they exist in finite, nonrenewable supplies, unevenly distributed around the world. To aggravate matters, the wonders of steady technological progress under the reign of oil have tricked us [...] to believe that anything we wish for hard enough can come true. These days, even people in our culture who ought to know better are wishing ardently that a smooth, seamless transition from fossil fuels to their putative replacements [...] lies just a few years ahead. [...] This is a dangerous fantasy. The true best-case scenario may be that some of these technologies will take decades to develop–meaning that we can expect an extremely turbulent interval between the end of cheap oil and whatever comes next. A more likely scenario is that new fuels and technologies may never replace fossil fuels at the scale, rate, and manner at which the [industrial] world currently consumes them.
** Chapter 1, p. 2–3.

* What is [...] not comprehended about this predicament is that the developed world will begin to suffer long before the oil and gas [...] run out. The [[American Dream|American way of life]] [...] can run only on reliable supplies of dependably cheap [hydrocarbons like] oil and gas. Even mild to moderate deviations in [...] supply will crush our economy and make […] daily life impossible. Fossil fuel reserves are not scattered equitably around the world. They tend to be concentrated in places where the native peoples don’t like the West in general [...], places physically very remote, places where we realistically can exercise little control [...]. [...] We can be certain that the price and supplies of fossil fuels will suffer oscillations and disruptions in the period ahead [...]. [...] The decline of fossil fuels is certain to ignite chronic strife between nations contesting the remaining supplies. These resource wars have already begun. There will be more of them. They are [...] likely to grind on and on [...]. They will only aggravate a situation that, in and of itself, could bring down civilizations. The extent of suffering [...] will certainly depend on how tenaciously we attempt to cling to obsolete habits, customs, and assumptions–for instance, how fiercely [...] [we] decide to fight to maintain suburban lifestyles that simply cannot be rationalized any longer.
** Chapter 1, p. 3.

* [[Thomas Robert Malthus|[Thomas] Malthus]] was certainly correct [that demand will outstrip supply], but [...] [hydrocarbons] [...] skewed the [supply-demand] equation over the past [two] hundred years while the human race has enjoyed an unprecedented orgy of [a fraction of] nonrenewable condensed solar energy accumulated over eons of prehistory. The “green revolution” in boosting crop yields was minimally about scientific innovation in crop genetics and mostly about dumping massive amounts of fertilizers and pesticides made [...] of [...] [petroleum] onto crops, as well as employing irrigation at a fantastic scale made possible by abundant oil and gas. The cheap oil age created an artificial bubble of plenitude for a period not much longer than a human lifetime, a hundred years. Within that […], the idea took hold that only grouches, spoilsports, and godless maniacs considered population hypergrowth a problem [with a direct solution], and that to even raise the issue was indecent. [...] As oil ceases to be cheap and the world reserves arc toward depletion, we will indeed suddenly be left with an enormous surplus population [...] that the ecology of the earth [sic] will not support. No political program of birth control will avail. The people are already here. The journey back to non-oil population homeostasis will not be pretty. '''We will discover the hard way that [[w:Baby boom|population hypergrowth]] was simply a side effect of the oil age.''' It was [more of] a condition [without a remedy], not a problem with a [direct] solution. That is what happened, and we are stuck with it.
** Chapter 1, p. 8.

* The high tide of the [...] [industrial] age also happened to be a moment in history when human ingenuity gained an upper hand against the age-old scourges of disease. We have enjoyed the great benefits of antibiotic medicine for [...] a half-century. Penicillin, sulfa drugs, and their descendants briefly gave [hu]mankind the notion that diseases caused by microorganisms could, and indeed would, be systematically vanquished. Or, at least, this was the popular view. Doctors and scientists knew better. [...] The recognition is now growing that the victory over microbes was short-lived. They are back in force, including [...] old enemies such as tuberculosis and staphylococcus in new drug-resistant strains. Other old diseases are on the march into new territories, as a response to climate change brought on by global warming [caused by the burning of fossil fuels]. In response to unprecedented habitat destruction by humans and the invasion of [what we call] wilderness, the earth [sic] itself seems to be sending forth new and much more lethal diseases, as though it had a [...] protective immune system with antibody-like agents aimed with remarkable precision at the source of the problem: ''Homo sapiens''.
** Chapter 1, p. 9–10.

* At the same time, the world is overdue for an extreme influenza epidemic. The last major outbreak was the [[w:Spanish flu|1918 Spanish influenza]], which killed fifty million [and possibly more, as we will not know the real numbers] people worldwide and changed the course of history. […] Disease will certainly play a larger role in the Long Emergency than many can now imagine. An epidemic could paralyze social and economic systems, interrupt global trade, and bring down governments. […] '''At the very least, the Long Emergency will be a time of diminished life spans for many of us, as well as reduced standards of living'''–at least as understood within the current social context. Fossil fuels had the effect of temporarily raising the carrying capacity of the earth. Our ability to resist the environmental corrective of disease will [...] prove to have been another temporary boon of the [...] [industrial] age [...]. So much of what we construe to be among our entitlements to perpetual progress may prove to have been a strange, marvelous, and anomalous moment in [...] history.
** Chapter 1, p. 11–12.

* The so-called global economy was not a permanent institution, [...] but a set of transient circumstances peculiar to a certain time: the […] fossil fuel era. […] Factories could be started up in [[Sri Lanka]] and [[Malaysia]], where swollen populations furnished trainable workers willing to labor for much less than those back in the United States or [[Europe]]. Products then moved around the globe in a highly rationalized system, not unlike the oil allocation system, using immense vessels, automated port facilities, and truck-scaled shipping containers at a minuscule cost-per-unit of whatever was made and transported. Shirts or coffeemakers manufactured 12,000 miles away could be shipped to Wal-Marts all over America and sold cheaply. […] Meanwhile, among economists and government figures, globalism developed [...] [as] an intellectual fad. Globalism allowed them to believe that burgeoning wealth in the developed countries, and the spread of industrial activity to formerly primitive regions, was based on the potency of their own ideas and policies rather than on cheap [and easy-to-find hydrocarbons like] oil. […] [An] overlooked [fact] is that [[Margaret Thatcher|[Margaret] Thatcher]]’s success in reviving England coincided with a fantastic new revenue stream from {{w|North Sea}} oil, as quaint old Britannia became energy self-sufficient and a net energy-exporting nation for the first time since the heyday of coal. Globalism then infected America when [[Ronald Reagan]] came on the scene in 1981. Reagan’s ‘supply-side” economic advisors retailed a set of fiscal ideas that neatly accessorized the new notions about free trade and deregulation, chiefly that massively reducing taxes would […] result in greater revenues as the greater aggregate of business activity generated a greater aggregate of taxes even at lower rates. (What it […] generated was huge government deficits.) […] The rise of computers, in turn, promoted the fantasy that commerce in sheer information would be the long-sought replacement for all the played-out activities of the smokestack economy. A country like America, it was now thought, no longer needed steelmaking or tire factories or other harsh, dirty, troublesome enterprises. Let the poor masses of [[Asia]] and {{w|South America}} have them and lift themselves up from agricultural peonage. America would outsource all this old economy stuff and use computers to orchestrate the movement of parts and the assembly of products from distant quarters of the world, and then sell the stuff in our own {{w|K-mart}}s and {{w|Wal-Mart}}s, which would become global juggernauts of retailing. […] It was also like a convoluted liquidation sale of the accrued wealth of two hundred years of industrial society for the benefit of a handful of financial buccaneers, with the great masses relegated to a race to the bottom as the economic assets are dismantled and sold off, and their livelihoods are closed […]. That this development was uniformly greeted as a public good by the vast majority of Americans, at the same time that their local economies were being destroyed—and with them, myriad social and civic benefits—is one of the greater enigmas of recent social history. In effect, Americans threw away their communities […] to save a few dollars on hair dryers and plastic food storage tubs, never stopping to reflect on what they were destroying.
** Chapter 1, p. 12-16.

* [Globalism's] demise will coincide with the end of the cheap-oil age. For better or worse, many of the circumstances we associate with globalism will be reversed. Markets will close as political turbulence and military mischief interrupt trade relations. As markets close, societies will turn increasingly to import replacement[s] for sheer economic survival. The cost of transport will no longer be negligible in a post-cheap-oil age. Many of our agricultural products will have to be produced closer to home, and [...] by more intensive [...] labor as oil and natural gas supplies become increasingly unstable. The world will stop shrinking and become larger again. Virtually all [...] the [...] relationships [...] that we have taken for granted as permanent will be radically changed [...]. Life will become intensely and increasingly local.
** Chapter 1, p. 17.

* In any case, the tragic truth is that much of suburbia is unreformable. It does not lend itself to being retrofitted into the [...] mixed-use, smaller scaled, more fine-grained walkable environments we will need to carry on daily life in the coming age of [...] reduced motoring. [...] Instead, this suburban real estate [...] will enter a phase of rapid and cruel devaluation. Many of the suburban subdivisions will become the slums of the future. […] The seasons […] will continue with the great cycles of contraction and expansion, and at some point, in the future, who knows how many years distant, some of these cities in a land once called [the [[United States|United States of North] America]] may be robust and cosmopolitan in ways that we can’t imagine now, any more than a Roman of A.D. 38 might have been able to imagine the future London of the Beatles.
** Chapter 1, p. 17–18.

* […] We have lived through as a narrative episode in a greater saga of human history. The industrial story has a beginning, a middle, and an end. [[w:First Industrial Revolution|It begins in the mid-eighteenth century with coal and the first steam engines]], [[w:Second Industrial Revolution|proceeds to a robust second act]] climaxing in the years before [[World War I]], and moves toward a third act resolution now that we can anticipate with some precision the depletion of the resources that made the industrial episode possible. As the industrial story ends, the greater saga of [hu]mankind will move on into a new episode, the Long Emergency. This is […] a self-evident point, but throughout history, even the most important and self-evident trends are often completely ignored because the changes they foreshadow are simply unthinkable. That process is sometimes referred to as an “outside context problem,” something so far beyond the ordinary experience of those dwelling in a certain time and place that they cannot make sense of available information. The collective mental static preventing comprehension is also sometimes referred to as “cognitive dissonance,” a term borrowed from developmental psychology. It helps explain why the […] public has been sleepwalking into the future. The Long Emergency is going to be a tremendous trauma for […] human[s] […]. It is likely to entail political [and social] turbulence every bit as extreme as the economic conditions that prompt it.
** Chapter 1, p. 20.

* Whole ideologies had to be constructed to account for being modern and to explain it.
** Chapter 2, p. 22.

* Now, exactly a hundred years after the first powered flight at {{w|Kitty Hawk, North Carolina}}, I can get on a jet airplane twice the size of a house several times a month and fly halfway across North America in the time it takes to finish a newspaper—and I end up feeling cranky and resentful about the service, to boot! They ran out of pretzels! The air conditioning was set too low! […] Everything characteristic about the condition we call modern life has been a direct result of our access to abundant supplies of cheap [[Fossil fuel|fossil fuels]]. Fossil fuels have permitted us to fly, to go where we want to go rapidly, and move things easily from place to place. Fossil fuels rescued us from the despotic darkness of the night. They have made the pharaonic scale of building commonplace everywhere. They have allowed a fractionally tiny percentage of our swollen populations to produce massive amounts of food. They have allowed us to develop industries of surpassing ingenuity and to push the limits of what it even means to be human [...]. [But] The age of fossil fuels is about to end. There is no replacement for them at hand. 
** Chapter 2, p. 23.

* Because the oil peak phenomenon […] cancels out further industrial growth of the kind we are used to, its implications lie radically outside […] economic paradigm. So, the oil peak phenomenon has been discounted to about zero among conventional economists, who assume that “market signals” about oil supplies will inevitably trigger innovation, which, in turn, will cause [something] new […] to materialize and enable further growth. If the market signals are not triggering innovation, then the problem must be overstated and growth under the oil regime will resume—after, say, a normal periodic downcycle. This is obvious casuistry, but casuistry can be a great comfort when a problem has no real solution. […] Our investment in an oil-addicted way of life […] is now so inordinately large that it is too late to salvage all the national wealth wasted on building it, or to continue that way of life more than a decade or so into the future. What’s more, as we have outsourced manufacturing to other countries, the entire U.S. economy has become more […] dependent on continued misinvestment in […] suburbia and its accessories. No politician wants to tell voters that the [[American Dream]] has been canceled for a lack of […] resources. The U.S. economy would disintegrate. So, whichever party is in power has tended to ignore the issue, change the subject, or spin it into the realm of delusion.
** Chapter 2, p. 28.

* Oil is an amazing substance. It stores a tremendous amount of energy per weight and volume. It is easy to transport. It stores easily at regular air temperature in unpressurized metal tanks, and it can sit there indefinitely without degrading. You can pump it through a pipe, you can send it all over the world in ships, you can haul it around in trains, cars, and trucks, you can even fly it in tanker planes and refuel other airplanes in flight. It is flammable but has proven to be safe to handle with a modest amount of care by people with double-digit IQs. […] We used [oil] [...] as if there was no tomorrow. Now there may not be one. That's how special oil has been. 
** Chapter 2, p. 31.

* […] Suburbia turned out to be a disappointing cartoon of country living rather than the real thing [that] was a tragic unanticipated consequence […].
** Chapter 2, p. 40.

* […] The base price of a barrel of oil did eventually more than quadruple by the time the embargo was called off in March 1974. And the price rise alone staggered the West and Japan. Already at that time, public transit was a thing of the past and about 85 percent of Americans drove to work every day.
** Chapter 2, p. 46.

* Oil is the world's most critical resource. Without it, nothing works in industrial civilization as currently configured. Few people dispute the idea that the world will eventually run out of oil, and there is a broad recognition that it will happen [...].
** Chapter 3, p. 64.

* The total planetary endowment of conventional nonrenewable liquid oil was [...] two trillion barrels before humans started using it [and possibly more, as most of it was used to protect the Earth's crust]. Since the mid-nineteenth century, the world has burned through [...] one trillion barrels of oil, [...] representing the easiest-to-get, highest-quality liquids. [...] Oil has enabled the [[w:Baby boom|[post-War] population explosion]].
** Chapter 3, p. 66.

* The denial about [the] global peak in the United States is already fierce, as investments in car-dependent, oil-addicted infrastructure are greater here than in any other nation and Americans consider their way of life a God-given entitlement. […] The economic [...] [struggle] among [...] all nations, [...] will be considerable and is certain to lead to increasingly desperate competition for diminishing supplies of oil [and every other resource]. 
** Chapter 3, p. 68.

* […] With China becoming a presence by necessity in the region, we would be back in a cold war again, or something worse, contesting with a rival world hegemon, this time over […] resources, not [just] ideology.
** Chapter 3, p. 84.

* Eventually, […] [we] will have to contend with the problems of the Long Emergency: the end of industrial growth, falling standards of living, economic desperation, declining food production, and domestic political strife. A point will be reached when the great powers of the world no longer have the means to project their power any distance. Even nuclear weapons may become inoperable, considering how much their careful maintenance depends on other technological systems linked to our fossil fuel economy.
** Chapter 3, p. 98.

* To some degree, all […] the non-fossil fuel energy sources […] depend on an underlying fossil fuel economy. You can’t manufacture metal wind turbines using wind energy technology. You can’t make lead-acid storage batteries for solar electric systems using any known solar energy systems.
** Chapter 3, p. 100.

* This age-old tendency of humans to believe in magical deliverance and to wish for happy outcomes has been aggravated by the very technological triumphs that the oil age brought into existence. Technology itself has become a […] supernatural force, one that has demonstrably delivered all kinds of miracles within the memory of many people now living […].
** Chapter 3, p. 101.

* Natural gas […] is not as versatile as gasoline, but it does a lot of tasks beautifully. Gas is the feedstock—the raw material—for a wide array of chemicals, pharmaceuticals, and plastics. Ninety-five percent of the nitrogenous fertilizers used in America are made […] of natural gas, and so it has become indispensable to U.S. agriculture.
** Chapter 3, p. 103.

* Both the mining and the washing [of hydrocarbons] require huge amounts of energy, and it has been proposed that any commercial exploitation of the [[w:Athabasca oil sands|Alberta tar sands]] would take 20 percent of [[Canada]]’s total natural gas production. In the long run, it might not be worth expending the energy from gas to get the energy from the tar sands. If oil from the tar sands themselves were used to process more tar sands, the return would be three barrels of oil for every two consumed. […] In the early days of conventional oil in [[Texas]], the {{w|ERoEI}} formula was very favorable, around twenty to one. The oil was found close to the surface on dry land in temperate places easy to work in, and it gushed out of the ground under its own pressure. […] Going a bit further, the fundamental equations that support all gigantic […] organisms, […] may no longer obtain, and human life would have to reorganize its activities on a different basis. Also, '''once these complex systems and their subsystems halt their operations, restarting them may range from difficult to impossible''' […].
** Chapter 3, p. 108.

* [[w:Ancient Roman architecture|Roman architecture]] would have been impossible without the complex socioeconomic platform of [the] empire. The medieval social platform for northern European life was less elaborate and […] less complex. Compare these two historical cases with the complexity of social and economic organization that allows oil to be extracted from the ground, refined to gasoline, transported six thousand miles, and used in a highly engineered, fine-tuned machine called a car, [to be] driven on a six-lane freeway. '''If the social and economic platform fails, how long before the knowledge base dissolves?''' Two hundred years from now, will anyone know how to build or even repair a 1962 Chrysler slant-six engine? Not to mention a Nordex 1500 kW wind turbine? […] The existing knowledge in basic physics and chemistry is so widespread that it is likely to persist quite a while into the future and provide a foundation for doing more with less than, say, the people of the eighteenth century were able to do with their more limited knowledge.
** Chapter 4, p. 130.

* We surely will have to reform our land-use habits and the oil-based transportation system that has allowed us to run our car-crazy suburban environments. We'll have to drastically change the way we grow our food and where we grow it. [The] social organization may be quite different in the decades ahead. Features of contemporary life that we have taken for granted [...] may fade into history. Politics that evolved to suit the [...] [industrial age] may morph beyond recognition [...].
** Chapter 4, p. 141.

* '''Our brains are […] not equipped to process events on the geologic scale'''—at least in reference to how we choose to live, or what we choose to do in the here-and-now.
** Chapter 5, p. 148.

* [Global warming] [...] happens to coincide with our imminent descent down the slippery slope of [...] [hydrocarbon] depletion, so that '''all the potential discontinuities of that epochal circumstance will be amplified, ramified, reinforced, and torqued by climate change.''' If global warming is a result of human activity, fossil fuel-based industrialism, [...] then it seems [...] the prospects are poor that […] human[s] […] will be able to do anything about it, because the journey down the oil depletion arc will be much more disorderly than the journey up was. '''The disruptions and hardships of decelerating industrialism will destabilize governments and societies to the degree that concerted international action [...] will never be carried out. In the chaotic world of diminishing and contested [...] resources, there will simply be a mad scramble to use up whatever [...] people can manage to lay their hands on.''' The very idea that we possess any control over the process seems to be further evidence of the delusion gripping our [...] culture [...].
** Chapter 5, p. 148–149.

* [...] Abrupt climate change may be normal in the planet's history, or, to state it differently, that the earth's [sic] climate is inherently very unstable.
** Chapter 5, p. 149. 

* Without the [[w:Gulf Stream|Gulf Stream]], [[United  Kingdom|Britain]], [[France]], the [[w:Low Countries|Low Countries]], and [[Scandinavia]] would have a climate like [[w:Labrador|Labrador]]’s, colder by {{convert|20|F|C}} in annual mean. The Gulf Stream has been likened to an oceanic conveyor belt. The force of the warm water flowing north has been described as equal to the volume of seventy-five [[w:Amazon River|Amazon river]]s.
** Chapter 5, p. 153.

* According to the {{w|IPCC}}, sea levels rose by ten to twenty centimeters during the twentieth century and are currently rising by about two millimeters a year, which is at the upper range of the rate of rise for the last century. With global warming accelerating, this is apt to increase. The accepted prediction is that sea levels will rise during the twenty-first century by about fifty centimeters, or a little under two feet, though some scientists predict a full meter. […] One-sixth of the people in the world live in coastal zones within one meter of sea level. This is the […] outside context problem so alien to contemporary experience that the public and its leaders can really find no way to process the information and figure out what to do about it—and for the excellent reason that it is not a problem with a direct solution. It is more a condition without a remedy. If the major shipping ports […] end up being submerged, humankind will just have to work around it. The disruptions to world trade might be epochal, gigantic, […] [and] tragic. It seems obvious that […] human[s] […] will simply have to adjust, even if that means adjusting to a new reality of severely lower expectations in living standards, comfort, and amenity. […] When the time comes, […] [we] will just have to move to higher ground. 
** Chapter 5, p. 162.

* Harvard biologist [[w:E. O. Wilson|Edward O. Wilson]] warns that [[China]]'s current program to mitigate huge population increases with gigantic water projects may have dire consequences. Irrigation and other withdrawals have already depleted the {{w|Yellow River}}, which, starting in 1972, has run bone-dry part of the year in {{w|Shandong}} province, where one-fifth of China's wheat and one-seventh of its corn is produced. In 1997, the river stopped flowing for a record 226 days. The groundwater levels of the northern China plains have plummeted. The water table in major grain-producing areas is falling at the rate of five feet a year. Of China's 617 cities, three hundred already face water shortages. Of China's approximately 23,000 miles of major rivers, 80 percent no longer support fish life. The [[w:Xiaolangdi Dam|Xiaolangdi dam project]] now underway along the Yellow River in north China is exceeded in size only by the {{w|Three Gorges Dam}} on the {{w|Yangtze}} in South China. In addition, the Chinese government intends to siphon water from the Yangtze […] and send it over by a canal system to the Yellow River and Beijing, respectively. When it is running, the Yellow River is already one of the most particle-laden in the world. Because of that, it is estimated that the Xiaolangdi dam would silt up within thirty years of completion. The […] project is reminiscent of another centrally planned mega-project that ended in grief: the [[Soviet Union]]'s scheme to drain the {{w|Aral Sea}} to irrigate gigantic cotton farms in [[Kazakhstan]]. The project turned one of the world's largest inland bodies of fresh water into [a] salty desert. The potential for calamity in China is therefore huge as it skirts a range of forces presented by the Long Emergency, any one of which, or some combination, could send it reeling over its tipping point: the effects of global climate change, competition for [every resource including] oil, extremes of pollution, disease, and war, either with its neighbors or internally. Despite the current veneer of prosperity and stability, China has tremendous potential for political chaos. As Wilson fearlessly points out, the pressure on China's agriculture and water resources is intensified by the predicament shared by many countries: runaway population growth [caused by industrialization]. '''Population growth rates may be mitigated […] from culture to culture by economic advance (which tends to lower reproductive rates by channeling women into the workplace), but economic development produces other [[w:Jevons paradox|not-so-benign consequences]].''' Developing [systems like] nation[-state]s invariably increase their energy use [as they grow complex]. More cars are used, more electricity [is] generated, [and] more greenhouse emissions [are] sent into the atmosphere. In the Long Emergency, […] “there will only be two types of nations: the over-developed and those which will never develop.” China may represent an amalgamation of those two conditions in one nation-state.
** Chapter 5, p. 163–164.

* Like China, the United States is divided […] in half between wet and dry. Though the human population of the United States is proportionately much smaller than China's, the amount of effort America has expended on manipulating habitats and altering terrain is as impressive in its own way as China's birthrate. Especially significant is the stupendous amount of paving laid down in the United States during the past hundred years. It prevents rain from being absorbed as groundwater and sends it instead into rivers, and […] into the ocean. The effect of this is the inability of water tables and wetlands to recharge and the diminishing ability of the terrain to support life. In the United States, only 2 percent of the country's rivers and wetlands remain free-flowing and undeveloped. As a result, the country has lost more than half of its wetlands.
** Chapter 5, p. 165.

* '''Climate change, competition for water, and polluted water sources will also be exacerbated by failures in the electric grid caused by oil and gas supply disruptions.''' Even if water is available, localities may lack the power to push it through their treatment plants and municipal pipes.
** Chapter 5, p. 166. 

* Fifty years of easy living with the miracle of antibiotics was a major contributor to the hubris that gripped the industrial nations in the early twenty-first century. Smallpox was eliminated except in strategic laboratory samples. Measles was conquered. Sexually transmitted diseases that used to leave people maimed and crazy were cured with one visit to the doctor. Many tropical diseases seemed to be on the wane as immunology and pharmacology bolstered widespread progress in sanitation and nutrition. The vanquishing of disease represented a [...] meta-victory by [hu]mankind over a much greater set of enemies than the parochial combatants of our geopolitical wars. Indeed, these great advances of medical science against disease took place against the backdrop of war. The United States emerged victorious from [[w:World War II|the last [...] world war]], having defeated manifest political evil, armed with penicillin and sulfa drugs. The postwar antibiotic miracle contributed to a false sense of security in the public and a sense of [...] omnipotence [...].
** Chapter 5, p. 167.

* '''As the struggle over the remaining oil and gas intensifies, larger numbers of economic losers will be created''', and those economic losers will be underfed, ill-housed, poorly doctored, badly informed, badly behaved, and subject to plummeting life expectancies.
** Chapter 5, p. 170.

* Despite miraculous advances in medical technology, genetic typing, and immunology, [...] [we] are not much better prepared for a severe flu epidemic than they were for [[w:Spanish flu|the 1918 outbreak]]. Epidemic influenza is extremely difficult to counteract. Flu vaccines developed in any given year are notoriously ineffective against new strains that come along the following year. It takes seven months or more to create, test, manufacture, and distribute a vaccine developed in direct response to a new virus, and by that time the disease can burn through global populations. '''If a pandemic broke out today, hospital facilities would be overwhelmed. Nurses and doctors would be infected along with the rest of the population.'''
** Chapter 5, p. 173.

* {{w|Operation Dark Winter}} employed a cast of volunteers […] to act out roles following a script in which a terrorist released smallpox in one eastern U.S. city. The result was sobering to an extreme. The public health system virtually collapsed. Hospitals degenerated into chaos. Smallpox spread to twenty-five states and overseas. The national stockpile of vaccines proved to be deeply inadequate. The exercise was called off after four days from the sheer exhaustion of the participants, while the fictional epidemic was still spreading. 
** Chapter 5, p. 176.

* The [[w:Germ theory of disease|germ theory]], which emerged in the late nineteenth century, focused the world's attention on the specific agents responsible for [...] diseases, but the [physical,] social and ecological contexts are equally important, and these are now coming more prominently into play with world population well beyond the limits of the earth's [sic] [...] [optimum] carrying capacity and with climate change [...] in progress. [...] Ecological [...] [pressures], rapid changes in land use, penetration of formerly inaccessible habitats, and disturbed migration routes can lead to the appearance or diffusion of a disease. While we may be able to identify [some, if not all] the microorganisms involved, we can be helpless in the face of it, and our behavior may still promote its spread.
** Chapter 5, p. 177.

* [...] The disturbance of global oil markets as the permanent energy crisis begins is liable to interrupt global commerce and global travel. Fewer […] will fly [...]. However, these same energy problems will surely reduce crop production, which would lead to reduced food aid to desperate populations [...], which would then lead to compromised immune systems and the [...] [invasion] of poor, hungry, and [...] unhealthy people [...]. This is an obvious recipe for conflict and woe. Where the refugee camps [are] set up, [the] disease will surely follow.
** Chapter 5, p. 178.

* '''The attrition of global populations by disease[s] may be unavoidable.''' Some [...] may regard it as the inevitable revenge of nature against the hubris of a human species arrogantly exceeding the carrying capacity of its habitat. Some may regard it as a moral victory against wickedness. Some may view it in the therapeutic mode as a positive development for the health of the planet. Many self-conscious &quot;humanists&quot; have militated for the goal of reducing population growth —though most of them would have [...] preferred widespread birth control [using contraceptive methods like the birth pill and condoms, ironically made from cheap oil] to a die-off. [Contraceptive methods] might have been just another product of the narcotic comfort of cheap oil [...]. Apart from these issues of attitude and ethics, however, a major decline in [...] population [...] is apt to have profound and strange repercussions on everyday life. 
** Chapter 5, p. 178.

* [...] We [...] flatter ourselves to think that we are above this kind of general catastrophe—because our [...] prowess during the [...] [industrial age] was so marvelous that all future problems are (supposedly) guaranteed to be solved by similar applications of ingenuity. This was certainly the consensus among the scientists, computer geniuses, and biotech millionaires [...]. They were uniformly uninterested in the issues of the global oil peak and natural gas depletion and utterly convinced that the industrial societies would be rescued by hydrogen, wind power, and solar electricity, all to be figured out by their cohort techno-geniuses in [...] time. If there is anything we have been stupendously bad at in the preceding century of wonders, it is recognizing the diminishing returns of our [...] [technological] prowess. Some of our greatest achievements, [...] have produced dreadful diminishing returns [...]. This persistent failure or weakness [...] negates the value of our ability to see what's coming. [...] Rather than [...] progress, we are more likely to see [...] the loss of information, ability, and confidence. 
** Chapter 5, p. 181.

* Many individual immune systems will be compromised by the hardships of the Long Emergency and disease will seize the opportunities presented, as it always has. [...] Millions [and perhaps billions] of human beings are going to die.
** Chapter 5, p. 182.

* As hunger and hardship increase, the world may see more than one wave of more than one disease. If [...] an influenza pandemic emerges, for instance, many [...] will succumb [...]. [...] The age-old human enemies [...] will be on hand with new immunity to the old techno-tricks of the [nineteenth and] twentieth [...] [centuries]. [...] Nobody really knows where that is taking us, though we do know that [...] [our ancestors] endured more than one ice age in the past.
** Chapter 5, p. 182–183.

* The current urban population of the world […] is greater than the entire population of the world in 1960. Seventy-eight percent of the urban dwellers in the so-called developing world live in slums. From the West African littoral to the mountainsides of the {{w|Andes}} to the banks of the {{w|Nile}}, the {{w|Ganges}}, the {{w|Mekong}}, and the {{w|Irrawaddy}}, new gigantic slums spread like immense laboratory growth media, waiting to host epidemic disease cultures. {{w|Lagos}}, [[Nigeria]], for example, grew from a city of 300,000 in 1950 to over ten million today. But Lagos, writes [[w:Mike Davis (scholar)|Mike Davis]], &quot;is simply the biggest node in the shanty-town corridor of 70 million people that stretches from {{w|Abidjan}} to {{w|Ibadan}}: probably the biggest continuous footprint of urban poverty on earth.&quot; Most of the world's new, exploding slums have only the most rudimentary sanitary arrangements, open sewers running along the corridor-like &quot;streets.&quot; In the slums of Bombay, there is an estimated one toilet per five hundred inhabitants. Currently, two million children die every year from waste-contaminated water in the world's slums. The enormity of this urban disaster is poorly comprehended in advanced nations like the United States, where the drinking water is still safe and even the poor have flush toilets connected to real sewers. But '''the slums of the world will […] be the breeding ground of the next pandemic''', and chances are, once it is underway, the wealthy nations will not be spared. 
** Chapter 5, p. 183.

* The entropic mess that our economy has become is the final blowoff of […] industrialism. The destructive practices known as &quot;free-market globalism&quot; were engendered by our run-up to and arrival at the world oil production peak. It was the logical climax of the oil &quot;story.&quot; It required the breakdown of all previous constraints […] to maximize the present at the expense of the future and to do so for the benefit of a very few at the expense of the many. […] Free-market globalism became the reigning orthodoxy […], challenged only by cranks wearing nose-rings at the very margins of society. '''The moment that the world recognizes the passing of the oil production peak as a reality, globalism will be dead both in theory and practice.'''
** Chapter 6, p. 185.

* '''Globalism was operated by oligarchical corporations on the gigantic scale, made possible by cheap oil. By “oligarchical” I mean that power was vested in small numbers of people running large organizations who were not accountable for their actions to many of the people who were subject to those actions. By “corporation,” I mean a group enterprise given the legal status of a “person,” with “rights,” but in fact devoid of any human qualities of ethics, humility, mercy, duty, or loyalty that would constrain those rights.''' As Wendell Berry put it, “a corporation […] is a pile of money to which a number of persons have sold their moral allegiance… It can experience no personal hope or remorse. No change of heart. It cannot humble itself. It goes about its business as if it were immortal, with the single purpose of becoming a bigger pile of money.
** Chapter 6, p. 186.

* The free-market part of the equation referred to the putative benefit of unrestrained economic competition between individuals, and because corporations enjoyed the legal status of persons, they were assumed to be on an equal footing with other persons in a given locality. Thus, Wal-Mart was considered the theoretical equal of Bob the appliance store owner, and if Bob happened to lose in the retail competition because he couldn't order 50,000 coffeemakers at a crack from a factory 12,000 miles away in {{w|Hangzhou}}, and receive a deep discount for being such an important customer, well, it wasn't as though he hadn't been given the chance.
** Chapter 6, p. 187.

* Cheap oil had allowed populations to explode in precisely those parts of the world that had had, for millennia, a high infant mortality rate and modest life expectancy. Cheap oil was behind the &quot;green revolution&quot; that increased the food supply in the nonindustrial world. Oil was also behind many of the medicines and preventives that had neutralized […] diseases. Now, suddenly, most of those children […] survived, grew up and produced more children who survived and grew up, and over the course of the twentieth century, the global populations hurtled into extreme numerical overshoot. Populations were, in effect, eating oil, notably in food exports from the United States, where agribusiness had completely taken over from agriculture. Local farmers in Africa, Asia, or South America couldn’t compete with corporate [[w:ADM (company)|Archer Daniels Midland]]’s oil-and-gas-based grain crops and U.S. government subsidies. There was no point in even bringing their hardscrabble crops to market when sacks of cheap American wheat sat on the docks of [[w:Busan|Pusan]] or [[Colombo]]. Farmers in those places felt that they had no choice but to migrate to the city and find some other way to get by. The only comparative advantage that these people possessed was their willingness to work for next to nothing. '''Cheap oil and free-market globalism turned comparative advantage into a new kind of feudalism, with the corporations as the lords and the overabundant locals as the serfs.''' And then, when the comparative advantage of cheap labor […] of one place, […] was superseded by the cheaper labor […] of another place, […] the corporations just moved their operations.
** Chapter 6, p. 187–188.

* The idea of comparative advantage works when there is a complex local economy intact in the background of each trading partner’s specialized item of production, with a variety of social roles and occupational niches to support the long-term project of community. But a locality geared to doing only one thing for export is […] a slave system based on the extractive economics of mining. […] One group had all the cheap labor, and another group had all the capital, and for a while, one group made all the things that the other group “consumed.” Thus, comparative advantage became, for a time, a con game strictly for the benefit of large corporations, which ended up enjoying all the advantages while the localities sucked up the costs.
** Chapter 6, p. 188.

* The corporations benefiting from this regime often had no physical home of their own, even in their country of origin—and not a few American corporations had moved their official address to [[w:Tax haven|Caribbean pseudo nations]], where the banking and tax laws were more agreeable. The corporations had no allegiance to any […] place or the people of that place, so the destruction they wreaked was as manifest in the ravaged towns of [[Ohio]] and upstate [[New York City|New York]] as in the environmental degradation of [[China]]. America was hardly immune to the consequences of free-market globalism. In effect, the American heartland was overtaken by a new […] corporate colonialism, emanating from our own culture, but no less destructive than the imposition of foreign rule.
** Chapter 6, p. 188–189.

* Did Americans sell out their towns, their neighbors, the memory of their ancestors, and the future of their grandchildren because they were helplessly in thrall to the blandishments of a cheap-oil economy? I honestly don’t know, though I tend to view the outcome as the result of many collective bad choices made by the public and its leaders. But were those choices inescapable? Certainly, the process was insidious and played out over several generations. 
** Chapter 6, p. 189-190.

* There have to be limits. If we project “housing starts” ninety-nine years forward at current rates, there wouldn’t be a single build-able quarter-acre lot left in the world. Not a few economists would rationalize this outcome by declaring that ninety-nine years from now we will have colonies on the [[moon]] or [[Mars]] or under the {{w|Sea of Cortez}}. Or that technology coupled with human ingenuity will solve the problem some other way, […] by genetically reengineering human beings to be one inch tall or booting all our consciousnesses into computer servers where unlimited numbers of virtual people could dwell in unlimited virtual environments of endless cyberspace.
** Chapter 6, p. 192-193.

* It is assumed now that human beings, prompted by the market, will employ ingenuity to discover a substitute for oil and gas, once the price starts to ramp up beyond the “affordable” range. This assumption is apt to prove fallacious because […] the laws of thermodynamics state that energy can’t be created out of nothing, only changed from low entropy to high entropy, and that we have already changed the half [or perhaps a fraction] of our [planet's] oil endowment that was easiest to get into dispersed carbon dioxide, which is now ratcheting up global warming and climate change, which might well put the industrial adventure out of business before human ingenuity can come up with a substitute for oil.
** Chapter 6, p. 194.

* […] The […] oil-fueled boom that energized the suburban expansion of the 1920s brought turmoil and trouble to the farm economy. Thirty percent of the U.S. population still lived on farms in the 1920s. U.S. farmers had done well during World War I, exporting grain to a Europe that had become a shell-blasted battlefield. By the early 1920s, though, Europeans were able to feed themselves again. Meanwhile, the introduction of the tractor and the mechanization of farming in the United States led quickly to massive overproduction of grain. Unable any longer to pawn off the surplus on Europe, America suffered a crash in grain prices. '''The farm depression, which preceded the financial depression by half a decade, was a self-reinforcing feedback loop. As the market prices of corn and wheat plunged, farmers desperately tried to make up for low prices by producing more, which the domestic markets could not absorb, leading to even greater surpluses and more depressed prices.'''
** Chapter 6, p. 204.

* By the mid-1920s, the great wave of immigration suddenly ended. The [[w:Immigration Act of 1924|National Origins Act of 1924]] and other measures set new highly restrictive immigration quotas that cut new admissions to 2 percent of each nationality from the 1890 census. This choked off what had been a constant half-century-long demographic subsidy of ever more customers for U.S. manufacturers.
** Chapter 6, p. 205.

* Finance came to be viewed as a productive activity itself rather than a means to promote production. The public was no longer buying stock to invest in enterprises that would pay dividends over time, but merely because one could get rich from buying and selling stocks. As more people bought in, stock prices climbed still higher—a dangerous positive feedback loop.
** Chapter 6, p. 205-206.

* [...] The human race living off the &quot;drawdown&quot; of nonrenewable fossil fuel resources is the equivalent of the algae [...] enjoying a temporary rush of nutrients [...] [or a star burning more hydrogen than it could].
** Chapter 6, p. 208.

* The entropy produced in [[World War II]] was much more widespread and profound than that of World War I. In [[World War I]] the action had taken place […] entirely on rural terrain, classic battlefields. In World War II, much of the warfare was urban. The long-range bomber had reached a high stage of refinement in the twenty-plus years between world wars. None of the major capitals had been damaged in World War I. In World War II, hundreds of towns and cities were destroyed in Europe and Asia. Berlin was reduced to gravel; London was badly mutilated; and, of course, Hiroshima and Nagasaki became radioactive ashtrays. The casualties of World War I had been enormous, astonishing, [and] appalling beyond civilized peoples’ wildest dreams, but the victims had been overwhelmingly soldiers. The casualties in World War II were overwhelmingly civilians and in much greater aggregate numbers.
** Chapter 6, p. 212–213.

* '''[[American Dream|American life]], with its twin engines of suburbanization and factory production of consumer goods for the […] world, became so quickly and obviously successful''' that a new consensus formed supporting the value of the dollar and its paper accessories in capital markets, chiefly stocks, and bonds. This is not to say that the securities markets boomed in the 1950s and 1960s —it took until then just to recover the value levels of the pre-1929 crash —but stocks and bonds did regain respectability, [and] legitimacy. Those who had lived through the Great Depression, meaning virtually all the men who had served in the wartime army, had very modest expectations about the role of finance in the postwar economy. In the 1950s and 1960s, Americans bought stocks for the annual dividends they paid, not to flip them for a quick profit. In fact, share prices remained […] very flat during this period. The whole notion of investment was different than it would become later in the twentieth century. In the 1950s and 1960s, stock and bond values were linked much more directly with the successful production of real goods. General Motors derived its profits and paid its dividends on the basis of auto sales, not as today, primarily from leveraging interest rates and other abstract numbers' games removed from the actual making of products. In sum, the public attitude about the role of finance was extremely conservative. Finance was not an “industry” per se, but a set of institutions designed to keep the idea of money and its accessories credible, […] to allow real industries to function.
** Chapter 6, p. 215.

* Banking also regained respectability after the calamities of the 1930s. Federal deposit insurance, which had been instituted in the depths of the Great Depression, and only for deposits under $2,500, was raised to $10,000 in 1950, and the middle class was induced to feel confident about keeping its money in banks again. Interest rates remained modest, but so did inflation. The influx of savings made money available in capital markets to invest in new ventures. It was real money derived from work already done, pay already earned, true capital. Before the great orgy of mergers and consolidation that began in the 1970s, retail banking was […] local and community-centered. Bankers made loan decisions based on firsthand knowledge of projects going on in their communities—not, as today, based on bundling and selling clumps of mortgages for generic suburban developments they have never laid eyes on.
** Chapter 6, p. 216.

* The rebellion of the [[Hippie|hippie]]s […] based itself on the notion that abundance was a natural entitlement, and one could &quot;drop out&quot; of an insecure, deadly, and frightening industrial culture to live off the fat of the land. It was inescapably a jejune philosophy, fraught with contradictions. For the hippies, the natural order of things included items such as stereo record players, electric guitars, motor vehicles for adventuring around the country, cheap bulk whole grains, and other products of an oil-intensive industrial way of life. '''The hippie platform […] with all its mystical incunabula, rested on the platform of “normal” [[American Dream|American life]] and would have been impossible without it.'''
** Chapter 6, p. 217.

* At the start of the [[w:1980s oil glut|oil glut]], a climactic set of economic relations took shape led by Prime Minister [[Margaret Thatcher]] (and joined eagerly by President Reagan and his advisors) that would be called “globalism.” It was not so much a new idea as the logical and inevitable result of mature self-organizing systems elaborating themselves under the influence of renewed, immense energy inputs—the ultimate cheap-oil way of doing business in the [supposedly] closed system that is the planet [[Earth]]. It entailed the maximization of short-term profit and the minimization of care for future generations. It was the ultimate generator of entropy.
** Chapter 6, p. 219.

* In America, globalism meant the accelerated dismantling of the nation's manufacturing base and its reassignment to other countries where labor was dirt cheap and environmental regulations did not apply. It also meant the ramping up of a “service economy” or, more properly, the myth of a service economy to replace the old manufacturing economy. […] It was […] absurd. It was like the old joke about the village that prospered because the inhabitants were all employed taking in each other’s laundry. In fact, far fewer actual things of value were being created in the service economy. […] It was assumed, for instance, that computers […] boosted productivity. Much of that gain was either illusory or fraught with collateral social and economic losses of other kinds. Companies that reported higher productivity were shedding employees like mad and the entire ethos of work in America was being transformed from one of [the] people having secure careers and permanent positions with reliable companies to one of institutionalized insecurity for […] everyone below top management in a new general atmosphere of Darwinian corporate ruthlessness—under the rubric of &quot;free-market competition.&quot;
** Chapter 6, p. 220.

* '''What one also saw in the America of the 1980s and 1990s was commoditization and conversion of public goods into private luxuries, the impoverishment of the civic realm, and, to put it bluntly, the rape of the landscape—a vast entropic enterprise that was the culminating phase of suburbia.''' The dirty secret of the American economy in the 1990s was that it was no longer about anything except the creation of suburban sprawl and the furnishing, accessorizing, and financing of it. It resembled the efficiency of cancer. Nothing else really mattered except building suburban houses, trading away the mortgages, selling the multiple cars needed by the inhabitants, upgrading the roads into commercial strip highways with all the necessary shopping infrastructure, and moving vast supplies of merchandise made in China for next to nothing to fill up those houses. The economy of suburban sprawl was a systemic self-organizing response to the availability of inordinately cheap oil with ever-increasing entropy expressed in an ever-increasing variety of manifestations from the destruction of farmland to the decay of the cities, to widespread psychological depression, to the rash of school shooting sprees, to epidemic obesity. Americans didn’t question the validity of the suburban sprawl economy. They accepted it at face value as the obvious logical outcome of their hopes and dreams and defended it viciously against criticism. They steadfastly ignored its salient characteristic: that it had no future either as an economy or as a living arrangement. Each further elaboration of the suburban system made it less likely to survive any change in conditions, most particularly any change in the equations of cheap oil. It wasn't until the traumas of the 1970s that the finance sector mutated from being an adjunct of the industrial economy to becoming an “industry” in its own right helping to “drive” the economy. '''Among the distortions and perversions engendered by the “stagflation” economy was the rise of corporate cannibalism in the form of “creative” mergers and acquisitions, specifically hostile takeovers, the aggressive use of voting stock shares to gain control of companies that did not wish to sell, with the subsequent filleting and sell-off of assets, and discarding of the bones and offal (employee payrolls and obligations, careers, livelihoods, communities).'''
** Chapter 6, p. 222–223.

* In the face of the things like the {{w|Dot-com bubble|dot-com meltdown}}, the {{w|LTCM}} scare, the {{w|Enron scandal}}, and other disasters that eroded the notional value of financial paper, homeownership itself was now turned into a magical generator of unearned riches for both borrowers and lenders. It was consistent with the [[Las Vegas]]-ization of the national moral sense, chiefly the increasingly popular belief at every level of American life that it really was possible to get something for nothing. Anyone could see this in the easy public acceptance of gambling as okay and the proliferation of casinos everywhere in the land. Not even the evangelical Christians seemed to mind. There is no such thing as intrinsic value in a house. A huge percentage of the public has now put its net worth into something that […] isn't an investment. Apart from false econometrics of rising house valuations and the leverage that affords for raising cash within the context of the current lending rackets, a house is much more of a consumer product than an investment, especially the kind of houses built in recent decades in America, namely stapled-together boxes made of particle board and plastic cladding that require continual reinvestment in petty cash and labor for upkeep, and will probably not hold their value, even if well cared for, because of poor locational choices. A house on a one-acre lot in a subdivision in {{w|Loudoun County, Virginia}}, thirty-two miles from downtown [[Washington, D.C.|Washington]], […] a magnificent thing to behold today, with a soaring lawyer-foyer entrance, a restaurant-grade kitchen, and an inground pool out back. But if there is less gasoline to power up the fleet of cars necessary to service it, and no natural gas to heat the thousand-square-foot cathedral-ceilinged lawyer foyer, then chances are that the house is going to be a liability rather than an asset.
** Chapter 6, p. 229.

* The supernaturally low-interest rates provoked an orgy of buying and the orgy of buying bid up the prices of the houses, and as the prices of the houses levitated, the owners entered another new and strange zone of hallucinated wealth accumulation using the latest contrivance: the refinanced mortgage. Re-fi's allowed house owners to use their houses as though they were automatic teller machines. Say a person bought a house in 1999 for $250,000 and the house was appraised in 2003 at $400,000; that person could refinance with a substantial &quot;cash out&quot; privilege, converting the imagined increase of value into disposable income, which could then be used to buy motorboats, home theater plasma TV screens, or trips to Las Vegas. Refinancing prestidigitated an estimated $1.6 trillion for the American economy over a five-year period, and much of that &quot;money&quot; was deployed purchasing &quot;consumer&quot; goods—mostly made outside the United States. From 1999 to 2004 […] a third of all house owners indulged in cash-out re-fi mortgages. […] Behind every extravagant cash extraction lay the belief that at some future date the house would be worth a lot more than the re-fi price and could be readily flipped.
** Chapter 6, p. 231.

* After the mid-1990s, there was hardly a technical distinction to be made anymore between high-risk borrowers and everybody else in the casino atmosphere of [North] America[n] society. No one was at risk anymore because in the something-for-nothing economy it was impossible to be a loser. Or so went the herd thinking. […] It is […] likely that the housing bubble will have begun to come to grief.
** Chapter 6, p. 232.

* The failure of the [[w:Government-sponsored enterprise|GSE]]s would make the [[w:Savings and loan crisis|S&amp;L fiasco of the 1980s]] look like a bad night of poker. The failure of the GSEs would pose a far graver situation than the [[w:Long-Term Capital Management|LTCM]] flameout. It could easily bring on cascading failures that might jeopardize global finance. This time, the […] public would feel the pain.
** Chapter 6, p. 233.

* If the folks who lived along this highway put in gardens to make up for the escalating inadequacies of an industrial farming system starved for fossil fuel “inputs,” would they be able to feed themselves? '''Did any vernacular knowledge survive in a populace conditioned to think that food came from the supermarket? Did they know anything about cabbage loopers, powdery mildew, or anthracnose? Would they be able to prevent catastrophic crop loss? How would they defend their crops against deer, rabbits, [and] woodchucks? Would any of them know how to build a garden wall or even a fence? Where would they get fencing material? Would they have to sit out among the potato hills and the bean rows at night with loaded shotguns? And what would they do for light when they heard something munching out there? Would they know how to keep chicken, sheep, [and] cattle, including breeding and birthing them?'''
** Chapter 7, p. 237.

* Because […] systems are self-organizing in the face of circumstance, the big questions are '''how much disorder must we endure as things change, and how hard will we struggle to continue a particular way of life with no future?''' […] The U.S. economy of the decades to come will center on farming, not high-tech, […] “information,” or “services,” or space travel, […] tourism, or finance. All other activities will be secondary to food production, which will require much more human labor. 
** Chapter 7, p. 239.

* [...] [Everything] [...] tend[s] toward diminishing returns and unsustainability, [...] even in the short term.
** Chapter 7, p. 240.

* A hundred years ago, just before the introduction of the fossil fuel-based technologies, more than 30 percent of the American population was engaged in farming. Now the figure is 1.6 percent. The issue is not moral, academic, or aesthetic. […] It’s a matter of those ratios being made possible only because cheap oil and automation made up for so much human labor.
** Chapter 7, p. 241.

* The energy disruptions of the Long Emergency are going to remind us that the skyscraper was an experimental building form.
** Chapter 7, p. 253.

* The lucky suburbanites will be the ones with the forethought to trade in their suburban McHouses for property in the towns and small cities and prepare for a vocational life doing something useful and practical on the small scale. 
** Chapter 7, p. 256.

* Wal-Mart will not be able to profitably run its “warehouse on wheels” when the price of oil fluctuates chronically. […] We will never again experience the explosion of products, choices, and nonstop marketing that characterized the late twentieth century. The public may look back on the big-box shopping era with deep and mournful nostalgia, but we are apt to discover that happiness is still possible without the extraordinary advertising-driven compulsive materialism of recent decades. '''We will still have commerce. We will have [a] trade. There will be shopping. We will have […] medium of exchange. But we are not going to live in a perpetual blue-light special sale of cornucopian wretched excess.'''
** Chapter 7, p. 257.

* Even if we can’t get all the tools and the products we currently enjoy, we will retain a lot of basic knowledge that the people of Jefferson’s day just didn’t have. For instance, we will still understand that infections and many diseases are caused by microorganisms, not bad air, phases of the moon, or evil spells and that knowledge alone confers powerful advantages in daily living.
** Chapter 7, p. 258.

* '''Large-scale corporate enterprise has brought humankind much material comfort in two centuries but at the price of fantastic unintended consequences (externalized costs) ranging from the destruction of local communities to climate change. Large-scale corporations will be vulnerable to the collapse of capital formation markets that must accompany the end of the cheap oil fiesta. Corporate enterprise can certainly be reorganized on the small, local community scale, but it will not be the same as {{w|General Motors}}. Corporate enterprise in the Long Emergency may revert to being more public in nature and far less sovereign in power.''' There may be one exception: The most visible […] corporate organization that might survive the Long Emergency may be the church. Whether Catholic or Pentecostal or something new we haven't seen yet; the church won't have to rely on oil supplies. Organized religion doesn't have to traffic in awkward material products, only in beliefs, and it can operate at many scales simultaneously. Because American culture is constitutionally allergic to religious governance, we may have problems if churches are the only large organizations left standing—that is, assuming we still have the same constitution.
** Chapter 7, p. 259.

* We should […] conclude that the abandoned big-box structures will not last more than one generation under any circumstances. […] The same thing can be said about malls, strip malls, and chain restaurant buildings. Eventually, they will be the salvage yards and mines of the future.
** Chapter 7, p. 261.

* One final thing worth noting on the subject of rail: From 1890 to about 1920, American localities managed to construct hundreds of local and interurban streetcar lines that added up to a magnificent national system (independent of the national heavy rail system). Except for two twenty-mile gaps in New York state, one could ride the trolley lines from [[New England]] clear out to Wisconsin. The story of the conspiracy by General Motors and other companies to destroy the U.S. interurban system is well documented. The salient point, however, is how rapidly the system was created in the first place, and how marvelously well it served the public in the period before the automobile became established.
** Chapter 7, p. 268-269.

* It's hard to imagine a more purposeless activity than American-style high school in our time. […] The public questions its basic premises or mode of operation any more than the public questions the economy of suburban sprawl. But [the] high school in our time amounts to little more than daycare for virtual adults in which some learning might incidentally take place, much of it of dubious value.
** Chapter 7, p. 271.

* The Southwest also faces increasing friction with adjoining [[Mexico]]. This is not a racist provocation but a description of reality. '''No other first-world country has such an extensive land frontier with a third-world country. The income gap between the United States and Mexico is greater than that between any other two contiguous countries in the world.'''
** Chapter 7, p. 275.

* In any case, it is human nature to consider a place “home” if you were born there, or have family there, or have spent some portion of your life there, and people are naturally reluctant to leave home. I daresay that many Americans now living in the Southwest will not be disposed to understand what is really happening—that the carrying capacity of their home region has been suddenly and drastically reduced—and they will hunker down hoping for a return to better times.
** Chapter 7, p. 279.

* After air conditioning became widely affordable, southerners hardly went outside anymore, unless it was in a motor vehicle. Anything about southern vernacular architecture that once had been graceful in adapting to the climate was cast aside for the pleasures of air conditioning and cheapness of construction.
** Chapter 7, p. 283.

* The Long Emergency will cause unprecedented social and economic dislocation, and the outcome may be a world we would barely recognize. The [...] egalitarian society we knew in the [...] twentieth century may become drastically more hierarchical as large numbers of desperate people place themselves in the service of those who control land, especially following a period of anarchy. Under such harsh conditions, the weaker individuals will sell their allegiance in return for security.
** Chapter 7, p. 286–287.

* The gigantic smear of suburbia that runs […] without interruption from north of Boston through Connecticut, New York, New Jersey, Baltimore, Washington, and northern Virginia is not going to be a happy place.
** Chapter 7, p. 291.

* The circumstances of the Long Emergency will be the opposite of what we currently experience. '''There will be hunger instead of plenty, cold where there was once warmth, effort where there was once leisure, sickness where there was health, and violence where there was peace.''' We will have to adjust our attitudes, values, and ideas to accommodate these new circumstances and we may not recognize the people will soon become or the people we once were. In a world where sheer survival dominates all other concerns, a tragic view of life is apt to reassert itself. This is another way of saying that we will become keenly aware of the limitations of human nature [...]. Life will get much more real.
** Chapter 7, p. 303.

* '''I’m aware of having already lived more than a half-century through the greatest fiesta of luxury, comfort, and leisure that the world has ever known.''' I enjoyed central heating, air conditioning, cheap airfares, cable TV, advanced orthopedic surgery, and computers.
** Chapter 7, p. 304.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.kunstler.com/ James Howard Kunstler home page]
* [http://jameshowardkunstler.typepad.com/ Comment on current events by Jim Kunstler]
* [http://www.ted.com/talks/view/id/121 TED Talks: James Howard Kunstler dissects suburbia] at [[Wikipedia:TED (conference)|TED]] in 2004

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[[Category:People from New York City]]
[[Category:1948 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]

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  <page>
    <title>House (Season 6)</title>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:41:47Z</timestamp>
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[House (Season 1)|1]] [[House (Season 2)|2]] [[House (Season 3)|3]] [[House (Season 4)|4]] [[House (Season 5)|5]] [[House (Season 6)|6]] [[House (Season 7)|7]] [[House (Season 8)|8]] | [[House (TV series)|Main]]
----


'''''[[w:House (TV series)|House]]''''' (2004–2012), created by David Shore, is about an irreverent, controversial, but successful doctor who trusts no one, least of all his patients. 


=== ''[[w:Broken (House)|Broken]]'' [6.01] ===
&lt;!--DOUBLE LENGTH EPISODE--&gt;
:'''[[w:Gregory House|House]]''': ''[to another patient in during a group session]'' Cut your wrists, huh?
:'''Dr. Beasley''': Greg, there are certain topics...
:'''House''': Oh, I'm sorry. Is suicide taboo? Gosh, if I'd broken a rule on my first day, I will kill myself.
:'''Beasley''': Group's over!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Beasley''': I know you're scheming. Working on your next elaborate plan to get out of here. Why don't you put the plan on hold for a few days? See what happens. Just let me do my job. If you prefer private to group, we can do that. Maybe try some SSRIs. If you think nothing's working, you can always go back to your scheming.
:'''House''': God, if only you'd said that 2 minutes ago. Before I came up with my new scheme. Now I'm committed. Ha! Get it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': How come every time you compliment me it sounds like an accusation?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': What exactly is the difference between pretending to cooperate and actually cooperating?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Darryl Nolan''': Everything in your life has been about finding the truth. But suddenly with this guy, you decide to reinforce a sick man's delusions! You just want to take a swing at me, hm? You don't care about getting out. You don't care about him. You don't even care about the truth! ''[Scoffs]'' You don't care about anything, House! I'm transferring you to Winslow Psychiatric. You'll have better luck pulling the wool over their eyes. I'm done!
:'''House''': Don't. I need help.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': I want to get better. Whatever the hell that means. Sick of being miserable.
:'''Nolan''': So you'd like to be happy.
:'''House''': Again with the reflecting. Yes! I'd like to be happy.
:'''Nolan''': Being happy is an excellent goal. Not many patients can crystallize exactly what they're hoping to get out of this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': They didn't break me. I am broken.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': I have had relationships.
:'''Nolan''': You screwed up relationships. Every one of them. Almost like that was the goal. I want you to trust... people.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': Successes only last until someone screws them up. Failures are forever.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': Things change. Doesn't mean they get better. You gotta make things better. You can't just keep talking and hope for the best.

=== ''[[w:Epic Fail (House)|Epic Fail]]'' [6.03] ===
:'''[[w:Gregory House|House]]''': I quit.
:'''[[w:Eric Foreman|Foreman]]''': ''[pause]'' You can't quit.
:'''House''': I think you're confusing me with [[w:Jake Gyllenhaal|Jake Gyllenhaal]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Alison Cameron|Cameron]]''': You saw House, how was he?
:'''Foreman''': He was... good. He was honest, took responsibility. It was kind of weird. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:James Wilson (House)|Wilson]]''': What was my one condition for allowing you to tag along?
:'''House''': Try not to be a jerk. I'm trying. I'm just failing.
:'''Wilson''': Roll your meatballs and keep an open mind. ''[After a few seconds]'' How hard are you trying not to make a ball joke right now?
:'''House''': They're smoking. Your balls.
:'''Wilson''': Oh! Ow. No, no. They're browning way too fast.
:'''House''': Blue is the color you got to watch out for.
:'''Wilson''': Enough!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': Taste this.
:'''[[w:Thirteen (House)|Thirteen]]''': God. This might be the best thing I've ever eaten... and yes, I'm including what you're thinking of now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Foreman''': I brought you a donut. ''[pause]'' The florist was closed.
:'''Thirteen''': I'll get a vase and put it in water.

=== ''[[w:The Tyrant (House)|The Tyrant]]'' [6.04] ===
:''[Foreman, Cameron and Chase enter the office]''
:'''[[w:Gregory House|House]]''': Oh my God it's three years ago! — Does that mean I'm still crazy?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Thirteen got a job offer]''
:'''[[w:Eric Foreman|Foreman]]''': Douglas owes me a favor.
:'''[[w:Thirteen (House)|Thirteen]]''': Most people send chocolates.
:'''Foreman''': I'd [[w:Say Anything...|stand outside your apartment all night holding up a boombox]], except you told me you hate eighties music.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:James Wilson (House)|Wilson]]''': ''[to House]'' It's easy to be nice to people you like. But being nice to people you hate, that's a skill. Do it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Robert Chase|Chase]]''': Only psychopaths can kill other people without having some sort of breakdown.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Foreman''': I went down to the morgue to rerun the antibodies test.
:'''Chase''': We ran it twice.
:'''Foreman''': Turns out I couldn't get in. They had an armed guard. But I saw this. ''[He holds out a sheet of paper.]'' It's a sign-in sheet from the morgue. Your signature. ''[Chase slowly takes the paper from Foreman.]'' 9:45 this morning. That's right before you guys ran the test. What were you doing there?
:'''Chase''': Follow-up on a clinic case.
:'''Foreman''': What case?
:'''Chase''': You think this is really important...
:'''Foreman''': One of the patients in the morgue was a 70-year-old woman who had scleroderma. You and Cameron, if you took that woman's blood, you could have messed up the test results so we treated Dibala for the wrong disease.
:'''Chase''': Cameron had nothing to do with it.
:'''Foreman''': ''[loudly]'' You son of a bitch.
:'''Chase''': He was going to kill the Sitibi. Every last one of them.
:'''Foreman''': ''[shouting]'' I don't care what he was going to do. He came to us and put his life in our hands.
:'''Chase''': ''[quietly]'' All the good we've done... Every life we've saved... It would have meant nothing... If we just sent him off to kill hundreds of thousands of people. Look at the news. The moderates are taking over. There's hope for peace talks. You tell the world that I faked this test, Dibala becomes a martyr. The massacres begin.
:'''Foreman''': I cover this up, I become your accomplice. You think you can guilt me into that?
:'''Chase''': If the cops are going to come for me, please warn me... So that I can tell my wife first.
:''[Foreman takes the sign-in sheet and Chase sits back down.]''
:'''Foreman''': Chase... You really think you can kill another human being without any consequences to yourself?
:'''Chase''': ''[his mouth moves for a moment without sound; shakes his head]'' No.

=== ''[[w:Instant Karma (House)|Instant Karma]]'' [6.05]===
:'''[[w:Eric Foreman|Foreman]]''': ''[about House]'' When is he getting his license back so we can stop playing this game?
:'''[[w:Gregory House|House]]''': ''[looks at the file]'' Maybe never. This game is fun.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Thirteen arrives at House's apartment; House answers the door]''
:'''[[w:Thirteen (House)|Thirteen]]''': Stay out of my life.
:'''House''': Okay. ''[goes to shut the door, but Thirteen stops him.]''
:'''Thirteen''': I know you cancelled my reservation. You obviously saw me log in when you were spying on me in the coffee shop.
:'''House''': I was talking to you. I was spying on the MILF in the running shorts.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Lisa Cuddy|Cuddy]]''': Thirteen called.
:'''House''': She have a theory that makes more sense than abdominal epilepsy?
:'''Cuddy''': She said someone hacked into her email account and cancelled an airline reservation. I'm guessing Foreman.
:'''House''': Really? You're accusing Foreman, not me? Cool.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': People don't get what they deserve. They just get what they get. There's nothing any of us can do about it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Chase realizes House knows about the real cause behind Dibala's death, and House switched the records to cover it up]''
:'''[[w:Robert Chase|Chase]]''': How'd you find it?
:'''House''': Fat old black guy, knew he had to be taking something for his cholesterol. 
:'''Chase''': And what now?
:'''House''': I'm not the boss.
:'''Chase''': You don't think I should be fired?
:'''House''': Why? Doubt we'll ever be treating a genocidal dictator again. Better a murder than a misdiagnosis.
:'''Chase''': ''[Standing up and looking House in the eyes]'' Whether you want to be in charge or not, you are, and you always will be.

=== ''[[w:Brave Heart (House)|Brave Heart]]'' [6.06] ===
:'''[[w:Lisa Cuddy|Cuddy]]''': I need to know what your plans are.
:'''[[w:Gregory House|House]]''': First we take Berlin and then we circle around behind Poland and yell &quot;surprise!&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': You've a little devil on your shoulder told you to kill a guy. And you've got a little angel won't shut up. Telling you, you're going to burn in a lake of fire.
:'''[[w:Robert Chase|Chase]]''': I'm fine!
:'''House''': You shouldn't be! Talk to someone. Docs fixed me up in 7 weeks. You're... 10 minutes, tops.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Eric Foreman|Foreman]]''': ''[after allegedly dead patient regains consciousness during autopsy]'' He was briefly conscious, then his systolic dipped below sixty and he was out again.
:'''House''': Differential diagnosis for resurrection - go. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Chase is sitting in a church confessional]''
:'''Chase''': Bless me father, for I have sinned.
:'''Priest''': Take your time. How long has it been since your last confession?
:'''Chase''': I killed a man.
:'''Priest''': Oh.
:'''Chase''': It was the right thing to do.
:'''Priest''': Who lives or dies is not your decision to make.
:'''Chase''': Sometimes in an operating room it feels like it. I'm a doctor.
:'''Priest''': Well then you should know more than anybody that every human life is sacred.
:'''Chase''': Why? Tell me what's sacred about a dictator who kills hundreds of thousands of his own people.
:'''Priest''': What is sacred about a doctor who kills a patient?
:'''Chase''': Is it just the slippery slope you're worried about? Afraid if for forgiving me for killing the worst person on Earth sets a bad precedent? I promise, I won't tell anyone. Just forgive me.
:'''Priest''': Saying ten Hail Marys isn't going to do you any good.
:'''Chase''': Look, what do I have to do? What does God need me to do?
:'''Priest''': You can't have absolution without first taking responsibility. You have to turn yourself in to the police.
:'''Chase''': What and go to jail for the rest of my life? What's just about that? I did the right thing! There has to be another way.
:'''Priest''': You want absolution? I told you how to get it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cuddy''': I sent this in to the State Licensing Board. I've signed off on all your hours.
:'''House''': Why?
:'''Cuddy''': Because it's easier this way.
:'''House''': You're uncomfortable with me.
:'''Cuddy''': No. Going by the book is pointless. You're gonna learn nothing.
:'''House''': Good. I thought it was because of the sexual tension.
:'''Cuddy''': There was no sexual tension.
:'''House''': There was tension. And it made me feel funny, so...
:'''Cuddy''': Here. ''[hands him the letter]''
:'''House''': It's too bad. I was kinda getting into the whole hot for teacher thing.
:'''Cuddy''': Are you sure you're okay?
:'''House''': Yeah. False alarm... what about us?
:'''Cuddy''': We're good, just like this. You press my buttons, I press yours.
:'''House''': By buttons you mean... ''[epiphany]'' huh... ''[on his way out]'' You do make me feel funny.

=== ''[[w:Known Unknowns|Known Unknowns]]'' [6.07] ===
:'''[[w:Gregory House|House]]''': Really, I've got no idea what's wrong with her. So odds are... not fatal.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Lisa Cuddy|Cuddy]]''': Tell me what you came here for, House.
:'''House''': I've got a legitimate medical reason.
:'''Cuddy''': You must be so proud.
:'''House''': ''[Sees Cuddy's breasts in a low-cut top]'' I've forgotten it. I guess it's no big deal since I was only using it as an excuse to come check out [[w:Patty and Selma Bouvier|Patty and Selma]].
:'''Cuddy''': I feel bad. I haven't named your testicles.
:'''House''': Word on the street is you set a new personal best for low-cut.
:'''Cuddy''': I don't know why you chose to give them names of somebody's aunts.
:'''House''': It's a compliment. They're always smoking.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Robert Chase|Chase]]''': You lit a fuse, you need to watch the bomb go off.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:James Wilson (House)|Wilson]]''': Yes you can sit here running up my hotel bill or you can go get the woman of your dreams. 
:'''House''': I didn't know [[w:Angela Merkel|Angela Merkel]] was attending the conference.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': ''[giving his diagnosis on the phone]'' Now Cameron... pick up the phone and give me a dramatic exit.

=== ''[[w:Teamwork (House)|Teamwork]]'' [6.08] ===
:'''[[w:Gregory House|House]]''': This envelope is oddly medical-license-shaped.
:'''[[w:Lisa Cuddy|Cuddy]]''': Congratulations.
:'''[[w:Eric Foreman|Foreman]]''': ''[Chase and Cameron walk into House's office]'' House is back in charge. We get to treat a porn star.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': Taub thinks it's a brain issue. Thirteen thinks it's multi-focal.
:'''Foreman''': And neither of them wants to work here.
:'''House''': Don't take their words for it. Taub's problem is his wife. Thirteen's problem is you. Chase and Cameron's problem is the dead African dictator. None of them has a problem with the work. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': I owe you an apology. I was w… I was wrwrw…
:'''[[w:Robert Chase|Chase]]''': What were you wrong about?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chase''': What I did may be the worst thing I ever did. It may be the best I'm either a murderer or a guy who stopped a mass murderer. But ''I'' did it. Me. And even if it destroys me, I'd do it again today.
:'''[[w:Alison Cameron|Cameron]]''': You don't mean that. This isn't you.
:'''Chase''': I'm not running away from what I did because you want to pretend I never did it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': Your husband killed a patient, and you're breaking up with me?
:'''Cameron''': You ruined him. So he can't even see right from wrong. Can't even see the sanctity of human life any more. ''[long pause]'' I loved you. And I loved Chase. I feel sorry for you both, for what you've become, because ''[her voice starts to break]'' there's no way back for either of you.

=== ''[[w:Ignorance Is Bliss (House)|Ignorance Is Bliss]]'' [6.09] ===
:''[House throws a wrapped bagel on the counter.]''
:'''Cashier''': $2.32.
:'''[[w:Gregory House|House]]''': Put it on Dr. Wilson's tab.
:'''Cashier''': I don't know who Dr. Wilson is, and we don't have tabs.
:'''House''': ''[bends down closer to her]'' Do you know who I am?
:'''Cashier''': No.
:'''House''': Good. ''[walks away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Robert Chase|Chase]]''': I've got it under control.
:'''[[w:Eric Foreman|Foreman]]''': That's what you said about the [[w:The Tyrant (House)|Dibala incident]]. And obviously you didn't.
:'''Chase''': And talking about it obviously made things so much better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Thirteen (House)|Thirteen]]''': Speaking of House... why did you come back? You must've taken a major paycut.
:'''[[w:Chris Taub|Taub]]''': Life's too short to worry about money.
:'''Thirteen''': Your wife feel the same way? 
:'''Taub''': She's happy to cut back on some things — like... sex.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Taub''': I trust you had a wonderful Thanksgiving?
:'''Chase''': I don't remember. So I guess, I did.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': ''[Chase is not participating in the diagnosis]'' Give me something or I'll get your ex-smarter half on the phone and ask ''her''!
:'''Chase''': House.......... ''[gets up and punches House in the face]''

=== ''[[w:Wilson (House episode)|Wilson]]'' [6.10] ===
:'''[[w:James Wilson (House)|Wilson]]''': Where's House?
:'''[[w:Chris Taub|Taub]]''': Performing his ritual hiding-from-Cuddy-to-avoid-getting-a-new-case dance. It's sort of a jazz-fusion kind of thing.
:'''[[w:Thirteen (House)|Thirteen]]''': He's probably eating lunch in the morgue.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gregory House|House]]''': Religion just killed another person.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wilson''': I'm not here for an argument, House!
:'''House''': No. Right. That's [[w:The Argument Sketch|room 12A]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': Disappointment is anger for wimps.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wilson''': You can't change a table.
:'''House''': Actually you can. You just need a coat of paint and the guts to use it.

=== ''[[w:The Down Low|The Down Low]]'' [6.11] ===
:'''[[w:Gregory House|House]]''': I need the drugs
:'''Eddie''': We're in textiles.
:'''House''': ''[yelling]'' I need the drugs! ''[Eddie looks at him blankly]'' Hmmm. Works for Jack Bauer.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mickey''': An adult wants to get wasted, why is it anybody's business what substance they use?
:'''[[w:Chris Taub|Taub]]''': Because some of those substances are against the law.
:'''Mickey''': So your problem isn't that it's immoral. Your problem is that it's illegal. I got the same problem.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': That receiver doesn't respond to manual stimulation. Maybe if you took off your shirt.
:'''[[w:Thirteen (House)|Thirteen]]''': Actually, I resorted to something more exotic. I call it reading the instructions. Turns out if you screw the antennae into the wrong sockets, it doesn't actually work.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Taub''': Knowing this guy's an undercover cop doesn't get us any closer to curing him.
:'''House''': Good point. You know what they say. Information is not power. Wait...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Robert Chase|Chase]]''': Guy's a hero. He's risking his life to put these dealers in jail.
:'''House''': I'm sure the dealers who take their places will be very grateful.

=== ''[[w:Remorse (House)|Remorse]]'' [6.12] ===
:'''[[w:Thirteen (House)|Thirteen]]''': Why do you want to meet her so badly?
:'''[[w:Gregory House|House]]''': Psychopaths always fascinate me. I think it's their cultural literacy and strong family values. Or is that Jews?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': ''[to Foreman and Thirteen]'' Go have sex.
:'''Thirteen''': No, thanks.
:'''House''': Fine, I'll cover the Viagra and the lubricants. Just get me a receipt.
:'''[[w:Eric Foreman|Foreman]]''': We have zero feelings for each other.
:'''House''': Well, that's too bad, 'cause things worked much better when you did. Would it help if I slept with her?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': So when you watch Star Wars, which side do you root for?
:'''Valerie''': Dr. House. What are you doing?
:'''House''': Just checking in on your radiotherapy.
:'''Valerie''': From what I hear, you never visit patients. And now, you've come to chat with me twice.
:'''House''': I want to know how you like being a management consultant. I'm thinking of getting into it. That or psychopathy maybe. Which pays better?
:'''Valerie''': I think you're already into one of them. Dr. Hadley made a joke yesterday. She said I sound like you.
:'''House''': I'm sure you understand what “joke” means.
:'''Valerie''': So you're not just out for yourself? For example, you would never interrupt a sick woman's treatment just because of some personal obsession?
:'''House''': Of course I'm self-interested. We all are. We're born that way. The rest of us are born with consciences.
:'''Valerie''': Which is something you just sound ecstatic about.
:'''House''': I'm not saying it's logical. I'm just saying it's human.
:'''Valerie''': So if you know your conscience is just an animal instinct, you don't need to follow it. I think you realize that. That's why you're talking to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Robert Chase|Chase]]''': I'd give her a day. Two days at the most.
:'''House''': Great. You be the clock. Everyone else will be the doctors.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:James Wilson (House)|Wilson]]''': ''[entering the office]'' What are you doing?
:'''House''': Paying Wibberly's mortgage for a few months. ''[rips check out of the book]'' Congratulations on another successful round of hectoring.
:'''Wilson''': Wait a minute, is that actually a check for him?
:'''House''': No. It's a giant novelty item for winning the lottery. You're just standing really far away.

=== ''[[w:Moving the Chains|Moving the Chains]]'' [6.13] ===
:'''[[w:Gregory House|House]]''': I don't need to see the scan. I can tell from your little puppy dog eyes that his pituitary's fine. Are you gonna say it or should I?
:'''[[w:Chris Taub|Taub]]''': You were right about the steroids. You're a genius.
:'''House''': Next time with feeling.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': Hey, I don't care where an idea comes from, as long as it makes sense ''and'' embarrasses someone.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': Okay, why don't you tell me my real evil plan.
:'''[[w:James Wilson (House)|Wilson]]''': I don't think there is an evil plan. You regret not having a relationship with your own family. And you don't want to see Foreman go down that same path. I think you're actually being nice.
:'''House''': Oh shut up! You can't accuse me of an opossum attack and underhanded kindness in the same visit.
:'''Wilson''': Then I'll come back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': You're turning white.
:'''Glenda''': What does that mean?
:'''House''': It means he doesn't need football to get a good job anymore.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': You know why you're black?
:'''Daryl''': Because God loves me more than he does you?

=== ''[[w:5 to 9|5 to 9]]'' [6.14] ===
:'''[[w:Gregory House|House]]''': I was with your boytoy on a stakeout last night.
:'''[[w:Lisa Cuddy|Cuddy]]''': You were with Lucas?
:'''House''': He needed someone who could diagnose a soft tissue injury from across the street. Apparently he doesn't know any good doctors.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:James Wilson (House)|Wilson]]''': How's it going?
:'''Cuddy''': ''[calls Marina on her cell phone as she talks to Wilson]'' Got three hours to save this place from bankruptcy, I just fired one of my best employees, and the woman taking care of my sick child isn't returning my calls.
:'''Wilson''': Rachel's gonna be fine, I'm sure whoever he or she is deserved it, and we're not going bankrupt. Are we?
:'''Cuddy''': Don't worry. The board will fire me before they allow that to happen.
:'''Wilson''': They'd never fire you.
:'''Cuddy''': I just told Atlanticnet Insurance I'd terminate unless they gave us a 12% bump.
:'''Wilson''': They might fire you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cuddy''': What do you think I should do about Atlanticnet?
:'''Wilson''': You're asking a guy who paid full sticker price for his last car. You ask House? He's a master manipulator who always gets what he wants.
:'''Cuddy''': This situation is out of control enough already. House is the last person I want to get involved.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cuddy''': They should be pressuring other hospitals to be more like us, not trying to make us more like them. It's stupid.
:'''House''': Putting your job on the line in an effort to stamp out stupidity isn't?
:'''Cuddy''': You would.
:'''House''': Probably. But then I also wanted to try to cure cancer by infecting a guy with malaria to win a $50 bet. You really want to be like me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': They're not going to fire you. And you're not going to quit.
:'''Cuddy''': Why not?
:'''House''': Because you're an idiot.

=== ''[[w:Private Lives (House)|Private Lives]]'' [6.15] ===
:'''[[w:James Wilson (House)|Wilson]]''': What are you doing tonight?
:'''[[w:Gregory House|House]]''': Masturbating. I'd invite you, but people are already talking.
:'''Wilson''': It's pathetic. You divide your nights between porn and the Discovery Channel.
:'''House''': Right. Playing Dance Dance Revolution is a much better choice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Eric Foreman|Foreman]]''': You plan on doing any work today?
:'''House''': I thought I might do a little light doctoring in the afternoon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[When Wilson invites Chase to go speed dating along with House]''
:'''House''': You brought a date?
:'''[[w:Robert Chase|Chase]]''': Wilson seemed to think it was a good idea.
:'''Wilson''': You need to dive back into the pool.
:'''House''': And he has to swim in ours? You go to a bar, you bring your ugly friends.
:'''Chase''': It's not a beauty pageant.
:'''House''': Life is a beauty pageant. Little girls who kiss frogs expect them to turn into you.
:'''Chase''': Oh, come on. I'm not that good-looking.
:'''House''': Yeah, you are.
:'''Wilson''': You kind of are.
:'''Chase''': So you attribute every relationship I've ever had to the height of my cheekbones?
:'''Wilson''': Not the whole relationship. Just the beginning.
:'''House''': The rest is your hair.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[During speed dating]''
:'''House''': I'm a diagnostician. I find out what's wrong with people, and I fix it.
:'''Melodie''': Don't all doctors do that?
:'''House''': Yeah, but they can't dance like I can.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wilson''': Because you're not ordinary, House. You're way out there on the fringe somewhere. I'm your best friend, and half the time I don't understand you. You're alone. Been alone your whole life.

=== ''[[w:Black Hole (House)|Black Hole]]'' [6.16] ===
:'''[[w:Thirteen (House)|Thirteen]]''': We think a severe allergic reaction could be causing systemic breakdown.
:'''Artie''': To my son's sperm?
:'''[[w:Chris Taub|Taub]]''': Actually, his semen is more likely the problem... Which, I realize is not what you were reacting to...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Abby''': It's a black hole.
:'''[[w:Eric Foreman|Foreman]]''': She's hallucinating.
:'''Taub''': I certainly hope so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Texting between Taub and Rachel; then House and Rachel when he steals phone]''
:'''Taub''': Whatcha doing?
:'''Rachel''': groceries.
:'''Taub''': What r u wearing?
:'''Rachel''': U don't want to know.
:'''House''': Take off your shirt.
:'''Rachel''': R u nuts?
:'''House''': Touch yourself.
:''[Rachel smiles, contemplates. Back in House's office]''
:'''Taub''': House! It's not funny. I got enough problems already.
:'''House''': Trust me, this is gonna help.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Monitor in cog sci lab displays an image of someone swinging a bat]''
:'''Thirteen''': What are you thinking?
:'''Abby''': About Nick playing baseball.
:'''Taub''': Holy crap!
:'''[[w:Robert Chase|Chase]]''': That's amazing.
:'''Foreman''': Yeah. Now all we have to do is read her subconscious and hope that it's completely rational and went to med school.
:'''Chase''': Does anything get you excited?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jeanine''': Can I help you with something?
:'''Wilson''': Yes. Uh, I was wondering if you could tell me a little bit about this dining table.
:'''Jeanine''': It's made of wood, and you eat off it.
:'''Wilson''': So you're paid by commission?
:'''Jeanine''': It's furniture. Find something you like, let me know, I’ll ring it up.
:'''Wilson''': Thank you so much.

=== ''[[w:Lockdown (House)|Lockdown]]'' [6.17] ===
:'''[[w:Gregory House|House]]''': I take maybe 1 in 20 cases. A lot of the people I turn down, end up dying. It's really a good argument for there being more than one me when you think about it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Robert Chase|Chase]]''': You had a conversation with House, you came back, informed me I'd been forever poisoned by him, and started packing.
:'''[[w:Allison Cameron|Cameron]]''': Interesting how your story leaves out the part where you murdered another human being.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Eric Foreman|Foreman]]''': ''[Looking at complaints filed against House]'' Damn it, they're all named Lisa Cuddy.
:'''[[w:Chris Taub|Taub]]''': He's not even here and he's screwing with us. Where's the joy in that?
:'''Foreman''': ...You really want to get into his head?
:'''Taub''': Yeah, but I decided against stabbing myself in the leg, or getting addicted to pain pills.
:'''Foreman''': You can, uh, skip the stabbing. ''[pulls out a bottle of pain pills]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': I like being alone. At least, I convince myself that I'm better off that way. And then I met someone at a psychiatric hospital of all places. She changed me. And then she left. We're better off alone. We suffer alone. We die alone. Doesn't matter if you're a model husband, or father of the year. Tomorrow will be the same for you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cameron''': I still don't know why I said that. It's not even true. I did love you. Just... not in a way that would have ever worked.
:'''Chase''': Why not?
:'''Cameron''': Because everything you said is true. I'm a mess. I married a man I knew was dying. So... God knows how screwed up I already was. Him dying messed me up even more. I pushed you out of my life. And I'm-I'm un-unfixable. Not you.

=== ''[[w:Knight Fall|Knight Fall]]'' [6.18] ===
:'''[[w:James Wilson (House)|Wilson]]''': People change, House.
:'''[[w:Gregory House|House]]''': Sure. They get older, ovaries start drying up, and nice guys like you look attractive again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''[[w:Eric Foreman|Foreman]]''': All it takes is one bad eyeball.
: '''[[w:Thirteen (House)|Thirteen]]''': Or testicle, cow brain or my personal favorite, ''[looks at Chase eating]'' pig rectum with a side order of sphincter.
: ''[Chase looks back at her and takes a big bite of his sandwich]''
: '''[[w:Chris Taub|Taub]]''': I think they call that breakfast in Australia.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wilson''': Hey. I can't believe I'm about to say this. Sam...
:'''House''': Told you so.
:'''Wilson''': No, she didn't dump me. She wants to get to know you better.
:'''House''': Damn it. I never should have let her see me naked.
:'''Wilson''': It goes against all my instincts, but I said all right.
:'''House''': Why?
:'''Wilson''': She thinks I was hiding her from you.
:'''House''': You were.
:'''Wilson''': I don't want her to know.
:'''House''': So you're asking me to condone a relationship based on lies and mistrust.
:'''Wilson''': Yeah.
:'''House''': When and where?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''William''': I thought you were gonna tell her.
:'''Thirteen''': It's not my call, but if you ask me, she's waiting for you to.
:'''William''': Knights are supposed to be selfless.
:'''Thirteen''': Right, they conquered countries and built castles by being selfless. Bravery and loyalty are great qualities, for soldiers. If you want to be king, sometimes you have to be willing to take what's yours.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': I guess you've never heard the expression, &quot;gas chromatography machines don't lie.&quot;
:'''William''': Neither does Miles. He's the best knight I've ever known. It's why he was chosen king.
:'''House''': Miles is a jealous idiot. And you're just an idiot.

=== ''[[w: Open and Shut (House)|Open and Shut]]'' [6.19] ===
:'''[[w:Chris Taub|Taub]]''': So we flirt, it's fun.
:'''[[w:Thirteen (House)|Thirteen]]''': It's dangerous. That woman would totally do you.
:'''Taub''': You think? Nothing is going to happen.
:'''Thirteen''': All I'm saying is if you want to be on a diet, you might want to stop hanging out by the dessert cart. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Robert Chase|Chase]]''': Not that I could ever do it. I was jealous of House, and Cameron never touched him.
:'''Thirteen''': Not counting the emotional fondling. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Taub''': So the only time you're not interested in my marriage is after you blow it up?
:'''[[w:Gregory House|House]]''': You were the moron who took marital advice from Tila Tequila.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Thirteen''': A woman who likes sex must be sick?
:'''House''': Just because everybody in this room wishes that all women were horny all the time, doesn't make it so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Taub''': Seriously? Our patient's dying and we can't move past my sex life?
:'''House''': Seriously, you think it'd kill her if we spent 15 seconds mocking you?

=== ''[[w:The Choice (House)|The Choice]]'' [6.20] ===
:'''[[w:Gregory House|House]]''': I woke up in the wrong bed this morning.
:'''Nurse Jeffrey''': Any bed you're in is the wrong one.
:'''House''': That's not what your mama said. Oh! Snap.
:'''Nurse Jeffrey''': I'll be going now. To Human Resources.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Thirteen (House)|Thirteen]]''': I'm gonna check out this new lesbian bar tonight.
:'''House''': Your life is awesome.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Thirteen''': Yeah, it sucks what he's doing to her too. But it's hardly the same. To be faithful to his wife, our patient has to deny his identity. Taub just needs to...
:'''House''': Resist his biological imperative.
:'''Thirteen''': It is easier to say no to dessert than to pretend you don't eat.
:'''House''': Says someone who's obviously never been on a diet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': If history is written by the victor, how do we find out what really happened?
:'''[[w:Robert Chase|Chase]]''': Talk to the loser.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Lisa Cuddy|Cuddy]]''': I just want us to be friends.
:'''House''': Funny. That's the last thing I want us to be.

=== ''[[w:Baggage (House)|Baggage]]'' [6.21] ===
:'''Nolan''': You're late.
:'''[[w:Gregory House|House]]''': You're fat.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': I'm not stressed... beyond the stress induced by you telling me how stressed I am.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': Patients are boring, as people. This one, I'm sure, was no exception. But her situation was interesting. Besides I was still avoiding Wilson. No better way to avoid than leaving the hospital.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': Aren't therapists supposed to be nurturing?
:'''Nolan''': Nowhere... is that in the manual.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nolan''': Have you gotten any other people angry at you over anything?
:'''House''': Well, yeah. That's why I called it an ordinary week.

=== ''[[w:Help Me (House)|Help Me]]'' [6.22] ===
:'''[[w:Gregory House|House]]''': Crush syndrome is basically a buildup of potassium. If we remove potassium...
:'''[[w:Lisa Cuddy|Cuddy]]''': We're already treating with sodium bicarbonate.
:'''House''': But not with glucose and Insulin. Glucose in the Kit. There's gotta be a diabetic here somewhere.
:'''Cuddy''': You wanna dose the Insulin here in a non-hospital setting? That is insane! It's not worth it.
:'''House''': Really? 'Cause I think I'm the only one here who knows what a leg is worth. And fortunately, you're not the one in charge--he is. And he knows that I'd testify against him if Hanna sues for cutting off a leg without exhausting every option.
:'''Cuddy''': ''[to fireman]'' Give us a minute. ''[To House]'' I know you're angry, but please don't put her life at risk just to get back at me.
:'''House''': Really? Wow. So this is all about you now.
:'''Cuddy''': You took her side against me right after you heard about my engagement.
:'''House''': Yeah. That must be it. It's not that you're a pathetic narcissist.
:'''Cuddy''': I don't love you. So just... Accept it and move on with your life instead of making everyone miserable.
:'''House''': That's great. A life lesson from a middle-aged single mom who's dating a man-child.
:'''Cuddy''': Screw you. I'm sick of making excuses for you. I'm sick of other people having to tiptoe around you and make their own lives worse while they try to keep you from collapsing. I'm done.
:'''House''': Fantastic. Just stay away from my patient.
:'''Cuddy''': What are you clinging to, House? You're gonna to risk her life just to save her leg? Really worked out well for you, didn't it? What do you have in your life, honestly? Tell me. I'm moving on. Wilson is moving on. And you... You've got nothing, House. Nothing. I'm going down there, and I'm gonna convince her to let me cut her leg off. If you have any decency left, you'll just stay out of it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': You asked me how I'd hurt my leg. I had a blood clot, and the muscle was dying. And I had all these doctors telling me I should amputate, and I said no, and they did this... Very risky operation. I almost died. 
:'''Hanna''': But you saved your leg.
:'''House''': I wish I hadn't. They cut out a chunk of muscle about the size of my fist, and they left me with this mutilated, useless thing. I'm in pain... every day. It changed me. Made me a harder person, a worse person. And now... Now I'm alone. You don't want to be like me. You got a husband who loves you. You have friends. You can start a family. You have a life. And this... This is just a leg.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Eric Foreman|Foreman]]''': You can't blame yourself for her death. This wasn't your fault!
:'''House''': THAT'S THE POINT!! I did everything right, she died anyway! Why the hell do you think that would make me feel any better?!
:'''Foreman''': You shouldn't be alone right now. You're bleeding.
:'''House''': I'm gonna give you a task as an employee. Get out of my way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Chris Taub|Taub]]''': ''[sees Thirteen put an envelope on House's desk]'' What's that?
:'''[[w:Thirteen (House)|Thirteen]]''': I'm asking for some time off.
:'''Taub''': What's wrong? ''[Thirteen doesn't respond]'' Are you okay?
:'''Thirteen''': Obviously not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cuddy''': I ended it.
:'''House''': What? 
:'''Cuddy''': I'm stuck, House. I keep wanting to move forward, I keep wanting to move on, and I can't. I mean, my new house, with my new fiancé, and all I can think about is you. I just need to know if you and I can work.
:'''House''': You think I can fix myself?
:'''Cuddy''': I don't know.
:'''House''': 'Cause I'm the most screwed up person in the world.
:'''Cuddy''': I know. I love you. I wish I didn't. But I can't help it.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Gregory House|Dr. Gregory House]] - [[w:Hugh Laurie|Hugh Laurie]]
* [[w:James Wilson (House)|Dr. James Wilson]] - [[w:Robert Sean Leonard|Robert Sean Leonard]]
* [[w:Lisa Cuddy|Dr. Lisa Cuddy]] - [[w:Lisa Edelstein|Lisa Edelstein]]

* [[w:Eric Foreman|Dr. Eric Foreman]] - [[w:Omar Epps|Omar Epps]]
* [[w:Robert Chase|Dr. Robert Chase]] - [[w:Jesse Spencer|Jesse Spencer]]
* [[w:Allison Cameron|Dr. Allison Cameron]] - [[w:Jennifer Morrison|Jennifer Morrison]]

* [[w:Chris Taub|Dr. Chris Taub]] - [[w:Peter Jacobson|Peter Jacobson]]
* [[w:Thirteen (House)|Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley]] - [[w:Olivia Wilde|Olivia Wilde]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.house-boards.com/ House M.D. Boards]
* {{imdb title|0412142|House}}
* [http://www.epguides.com/House/ House, M.D. at epguides.com]
* [http://www.watchinghouse.com/  Watching House updated daily]
* [http://www.drhouseforum.de/  German Dr. House Board]
* [http://www.drhouse.de/  German Dr. House Page]
* [http://tvtdb.com/house Episode transcripts] at TVTDB.com


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:'''Seasons:'''  [[House (Season 1)|1]] [[House (Season 2)|2]] [[House (Season 3)|3]] [[House (Season 4)|4]] [[House (Season 5)|5]] [[House (Season 6)|6]] [[House (Season 7)|7]] [[House (Season 8)|8]] | [[House (TV series)|Main]]
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'''''[[w:House (TV series)|House]]''''' (2004–2012), created by David Shore, is about an irreverent, controversial, but successful doctor who trusts no one, least of all his patients.


=== ''[[w:Now What? (House)|Now What?]]'' [7.01] ===
:''[Wilson is knocking on the door.]''
:'''Cuddy''': Just let him in.
:'''House''': No! He's like a stray... he'll eat everything, shed all over the place, and crap on the floor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': ''[Answers cell phone]'' Hi, this is Gregory House. I can't take your call at the moment. Please leave a message. If this is Wilson, I'm fine. Not suicidal. Not on drugs. Coping very well with the loss of my last patient. So feel free to go about your day without worrying. Beeeeep.
:'''Wilson''': ''[both outside House's door and on cell phone]'' House, you can't just NOT show up to work. What's Cuddy going to say?
:'''House''': If this is still Wilson, she gave me the day off and tomorrow. ''[Cuddy glares at him.]'' Okay, maybe not tomorrow, but today. I'm fine. Now go away! ...........beeeeeeeep.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Thirteen''': So you gonna ask me about this Huntington's trial? And by ask I mean give me your opinion.
:'''Chase''': No. There's one thing, though....will you have sex with me?
:'''Thirteen''': ...what?
:'''Chase''': Well, this trial means you're leaving right away. I was playing a long game. Deadlines have been moved up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cuddy''': I really do have to leave.
:'''House''': I know.
:'''Cuddy''': Then what's the problem?
:'''House''': This isn't going to work.
:'''Cuddy''': ....that's it? You can't just say that and shut up.
:'''House''': It's just a statement of fact, it's not a debatable proposition.
:'''Cuddy''': Right...because you can see the future.
:'''House''': No, but I can see the past and you're going to remember all the horrible things I've done and try to convince yourself that I've changed and I'm going to start doing those horrible things again because I haven't changed...then you'll realize that I'm an insane choice for someone who has a kid. And from there it's a short step to the inevitable conclusion that all of this...was a mistake. Tell me any of that isn't true.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cuddy''': The only time you're afraid is when you're happy. You just don't expect it to last.
:'''House''': 'Cause it doesn't.
:'''Cuddy''': You don't know that.
:'''House''': I've done horrible things to you. And I'll do horrible things again, to you. Because of one stupid moment with a dying girl in a pile of rubble, you think I can change. Tell me where I'm wrong.
:'''Cuddy''': I don't want you to change. I know you're screwed up. I know you are always going to be screwed up. But you're the most incredible man I've ever known. You are always going to be the most incredible man I have ever known. So, unless you're breaking up with me, I am going home now.
:''[She kisses him goodbye and gets up to leave, to be held back by House grabbing her hand.]''
:'''House''': I love you.

=== ''[[w:Selfish (House)|Selfish]]'' [7.02] ===
:''[After Cuddy gives House a kiss in front of Wilson to confirm House's claims to him]''
:'''Wilson''': I've been more passionate with my great-aunt.
:'''House''': Mabel? Up high!
:''[A brief pause after House holds up his right hand. Cuddy grabs his crotch with a surprised look from Wilson.]''
:'''Cuddy''': We done here?
:''[Wilson nods and she leaves.]''
:'''House''': She didn't even ask me to cough. ''[To Cuddy]'' I think you straightened out my limp.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Taub''': And you're not worried you're being selfless to the point of self-denial?
:'''Della''': You've never been inspired by someone?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wilson''': What happened?
:'''House''': She said 'yes' and I heard 'no'. I didn't actually hear 'no', but I just was sure that's what she meant. The way she tilted her head and half arched her eyebrow. What do I even care what she meant? She said 'yes', that's all that matters. ....I'm screwing this up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cuddy''': HR can't find you a new supervisor.
:'''House''': How come?
:'''Cuddy''': Because you're unsuperviseable, House. Two department chairs threatened to quit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugo''': ''[To his sister Della, the patient]'' You do so many great things. I just watch. I get to watch and coach and cheer. That's not me out there. It never will be. If you take this piece of me, carry it with you, then I really can share everything you do. THIS is the great thing I can do with my life. Don't make me live without you.

=== ''[[w:Unwritten (House)|Unwritten]]'' [7.03] ===
:'''House''': We're fine. Never seen her happier.
:'''Wilson''': Yeah? How about you?
:'''House''': I'm worried.
:'''Wilson''': Because she's happy?
:'''House''': No. Because I am.
:'''Wilson''': House, that's...
:'''House''': Ironic? Weird? Crazy?
:'''Wilson''': I was going to say normal.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Foreman''': So we're taking this case because you are a fan?
:'''House''': No, that would be crazy and unprofessional. You're taking this case because I said so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': I've been busy.
:'''Cuddy''': Doing what?
:'''House''': You.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': We need to make her cooperate. We have to offer her something she wants.
:'''Foreman''': She wants to kill herself, House.
:'''House''': ...I can work with that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cuddy''': You used a 3 million dollar piece of hospital equipment so you could read a novel?
:'''House''': Cool, right?
:'''Cuddy''': Well, as your girlfriend, I'm impressed. As your boss, you're a jackass. Don't do it again.
:'''House''': As your boyfriend, I thank you. As your employee, I resent you because I need this for my case.
:'''Cuddy''': As your boss, you just got six more clinic hours next week.

=== '' [[w:Massage Therapy (House)|Massage Therapy]]'' [7.04] ===
:'''Chase''': Oh, and she's not like Cameron.
:'''House''': True. Cameron had much smaller breasts. By which I mean she was smarter.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': So this time I'm gonna put you at ease. It's just you and ol' Doc House. A couple of pals chittin' the chat.
:'''Chase''': Why not just place a chair above a trap door with a shark tank underneath?
:'''House''': Wednesday is when I get my shark tank cleaned.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Normal EKG. No osler nodes.
:'''House''': Right, Dr. Kelly!
:'''Chase''': Kelly's her first name.
:'''House''': What's your point, Dr. Robert?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chase''': ''[to Foreman]'' So who gives a crap if I prepped her?
:'''Foreman''': Uh, House. And that's just off the top of my head.
:'''Chase''': Why are you doing this? You trying to make me look bad so you look better… or you don't like her, or you're angry at me? What?
:'''Foreman''': We hire someone unqualified, it's just dead weight we'll all be pulling. Me especially.
:'''Chase''': You especially why?
:'''Foreman''': What do you mean why? Because I'm...
:'''Chase''': You're what? You're my boss or something?
:'''Foreman''': Something like.
:'''Chase''': So that's what it is. You're angry that House gave me the chance to hire someone because you still think you're at a different level to everyone else. That's just pathetic.
:'''Foreman''': I am at a different level.
:'''Chase''': Which is reflected in what, exactly? Your title? No. Your salary? Not really. Your responsibilities? Hardly. Your attitude? Ah. I think we finally found it.
:'''Foreman''': It doesn't change the fact that you made a bad decision because you want to get laid.
:'''Chase''': Or the fact that you're courageously picking on Kelly because you're scared to take on House. Congratulations. You're a real leader.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': You know what, I'm back to the Cameron theory. That you hired the dumb version of Cameron so that you could fire her and get revenge.
:'''Foreman''': Give her a break.
:'''House''': Oh, you've switched sides? Let me guess, Chase represents the dumb version of Thirteen…
:'''Foreman''': I realized if we all just keep pressuring Kelly, of course she's gonna get stuff wrong. It's irresponsible of me to let that happen.
:'''House''': You are a true leader of men.

=== '' [[w:Unplanned Parenthood (House)|Unplanned Parenthood]]'' [7.05] ===
:'''Wilson''': ''[to House]'' You told me you gave them your credit card...
:'''House''': And you were dumb enough to believe me. ''[Wilson walks into the house and sees Rachel. House picks up his jacket]'' Cuddy'll be back in an hour and ten minutes, I'll be back in an hour and five.
:'''Wilson''': ''[follows House to the door]'' Ohhh, no, you don't.
:'''House''': Oh, yes, I do.
:'''Wilson''': You're not gonna leave the kid?
:'''House''': Yes, I am. ''[begins putting on his coat]'' 'Cause unlike you, I don't have a conscience.
:'''Wilson''': ''[tries to get past House to the door]'' And unlike you, I'm not having sex with Cuddy, so I actually can leave.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Taub''': So what do you guys think of Dr. Cheng?
:'''Chase''': Best treatment for a vascular malformation is surgery. And I think your wife thinks you shouldn't think anything of Dr. Cheng.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Taub''': ''[to Chase]'' So, what was that shrug? A &quot;Dr.-Cheng-could-work&quot; shrug? Or a &quot;House-is-gonna-crush-you-for-even-considering-her&quot; shrug? ''[Chase shrugs again]'' You suck.
:'''Chase''': House is gonna hate anyone we hire, because he doesn't want to hire ''[gesticulates wildly]'' ...anyone.
:'''Taub''': So you think I should abstain? Just give the decision back to him?
:'''Chase''': Then he'll just mock you for being a wuss. You're screwed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wilson''': Hey, hey, hey! You are not going to pin this on me. Rachel needs to be monitored for 24 hours to see that the dime passes. You know, just to make sure she doesn't die.
:'''House''': You're telling me to do the right thing ''while climbing out a window''?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wilson''': ''[to House]'' If Rachel wakes up, she's gonna tell Cuddy everything.
:'''House''': She's two! Last night, she was whining about the giant moose that lives outside her window.

=== ''[[w:Office Politics (House)|Office Politics]]'' [7.06] ===
:'''House''': ''[to Cuddy]'' Just because my sausage has been filling your bun doesn't mean you get to decide what flavor chips I nosh on during the day.
:'''Cuddy''': Nope, I get to do that because I'm your boss.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': Black guy campaigning for the opposition? Does Obama know about this?
:'''Dr. Foreman''': I tried calling him on the brotha hotline. He didn't pick up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': Say something brilliant.
:'''Masters''': Oh, I, I don't...
:'''House''': Capital of Azerbaijian?
:'''Masters''': Baku.
:'''House''': Year Beethoven died?
:'''Masters''': 1827.
:'''House''': Twentieth decimal of Eulier's Number?
:'''Masters''': Six. ''[giggles]'' It's my favorite constant.
:'''House''': She's like the Internet with breasts. Oh, no, wait--the Internet has breasts.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': How mad would you be if I fired Masters?
:'''Dr. Cuddy''': Very. Unless you had cause. Real cause. Cause that a human being would consider cause.
:'''House''': Never mind, then.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Cuddy''': You'll figure something out. The two of you have a combined IQ north of 300.
:'''House''': That's also true of five morons.

=== ''[[w:A Pox on Our House|A Pox on Our House]]'' [7.07] ===
:'''House''': Why aren't you guys in my office?
:'''Foreman''': Why are you in the building? It's 8:00 in the morning.
:'''House''': Where's Chase?
:'''Taub''': He's not here because it's 8:00 in the morning.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chase''': ''[to House]'' We just tried this. I'm not a better liar than Foreman.
:'''House''': Sure you are. You're descended from convicts.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chase''': Your Jedi mind tricks won't work here.
:'''House''': ''[gesture with his hand]'' Those are not the droids you're looking for.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Masters''': ''[to House]'' You don't trust me.
:'''House''': Going behind your back works better when you're not facing us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Masters''': Julie doesn't have smallpox.
:'''House''': Did I just dream the part where I finally agreed it was smallpox? Well, if what I thought was reality was actually a dream, then the reverse... oh, my God, I had a threesome with Beyonce and Lady Gaga.

=== ''[[w:Small Sacrifices (House)|Small Sacrifices]]'' [7.08] ===
:'''Marisa''': You don't believe in God?
:'''House''': I did. Then I grew my curly hairs.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': Classic Neurohecatia. Two days of anticholinergics, you'll be walking out of here.
:'''Ramon''': Really?
:'''House''': No. I just made that up to see your reaction. Diagnostic test. This is awesome. 33-year-old carpenter presenting with narcissism, delusions of grandeur, hallucinations.
:'''Taub''': He hasn't had hallucinations.
:'''House''': I'm not talking about him. I'm talking about &quot;him&quot; with a capital &quot;o-m-g.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ramon''': Faith is not a disease.
:'''House''': No, of course not. On the other hand, it is communicable, and it kills a lot of people.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Masters''': You're smiling. Does that mean that you're comfortable with your choice? Or that you're afraid? Because this may be your only hope.
:'''Ramon''': You can prescribe a lot of things, but hope isn't one of 'em.
:'''House''': Sticking by your convictions and damning the consequences. You two have a lot in common. You're both idiots.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': ''[to Cuddy]'' I've been an idiot. I got this argument stuck in my head. If everybody lies, then trust is not only unfounded and pointless, it's fictional. But trust is not an argument that can be won or lost. Maybe I just have to suspend my cynicism and believe. Maybe it's time I took a leap of faith. ''[pause]'' I'm sorry. I won't lie to you again.

=== ''[[w:Larger than Life (House)|Larger Than Life]]'' [7.09] ===
:'''Wilson''': You have to go. Your girlfriend's birthday? It's not even a question.
:'''House''': She has one every year. How often do you break up with the love of your life? Okay, for you, it's more often than most, but still...
:'''Wilson''': I'm a big boy. I think I'll survive.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Masters''': Why is your assumption of his guilt more valid than my assumption of his selflessness?
:'''House''': Because my assumption is backed up by millions of men, and Taub, who cheated on their wives.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Arlene''': I wish that you would take a second look. I'm tired all the time, and when it's cold I get this weird pain in my shoulder.
:'''House''': I have a pain in my leg. You don't hear me complaining... except for just now.
:'''Arlene''': How do doctors get this idea you're better than everyone else?
:'''House''': Probably all that pulling people back from the brink of death, it's just a guess.
:'''Arlene''': My own daughter is a doctor. She makes a hobby of dismissing my concerns.
:'''House''': She sounds smart.
:'''Arlene''': Did she tell you to say that?
:'''House''': I've never met your daughter.
:'''Arlene''': That's hard to believe, since you're currently shtupping her.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Masters''': Jack has an infection that's spread to his mastoid.
:'''House''': Great. We'll confirm that in a week, when your secret cultures have sprouted.
:'''Masters''': Am I in trouble?
:'''House''': I only get mad when you waste my time. Couldn't care less about yours. But let me know when they come back negative, and I'll mock you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cuddy''': Wilson.
:'''House''': It's uh, bowling night. He'll never forgive me if I don't. Oh, screw it. I'm coming.
:'''Cuddy''': No, no. no. I am not going to be responsible for that. You drugged the man, you go bowling with him.
:'''House''': Well, my chances of sex are considerably lower with Wilson.

=== ''[[w:Carrot or Stick (House)|Carrot or Stick]]'' [7.10] ===
:'''Masters''': ''[about Driscoll]'' Military history. In suspiciously good shape for his age. Makes a living bullying kids. I'm thinking… steroids?
:'''House''': Fascinating.
:'''Masters''': ''[smiles]'' Thanks. We can wean him off...
:'''House''': Steroids isn't fascinating, it's moronic. There's no other sign of hormonal imbalance. What's fascinating is that you equate discipline with bullying. Which means that your parents either disciplined you too much or too little. I'm guessing too little.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Foreman''': ''[about Masters]'' She's brilliant, but new to the real world.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': How do you cheat on a test when there's no test?
:'''Wilson''': Sorry, not playing. ''[gets up, grabs his lab coat, and leaves his office with House following behind him.]'' Go away, House. ''[puts on his lab coat while walking]'' I am not giving you advice just so you can distort it to suit your own warped world view.
:'''House''': But it's been working so well. Cuddy wants to get Rachel into Waldenwood Preschool. The problem is, Rachel's dumber than a paste sandwich.
:'''Wilson''': And her not getting in bothers you. You care about Rachel. That was not advice.
:'''House''': Cuddy cares about her. Which means When Rachel gets rejected, Cuddy will be upset. And as the boyfriend, I will be expected to be supportive, consoling...
:'''Wilson''': Not your strengths, I grant you. Leave it alone. It's just a play date. It'll be fine.
:'''House''': Play date being their code for way to weed out the paste sandwiches. They'll hand her puzzles and counting games, and Rachel will just sit there and eat the pieces. ''[gets an idea and turns &amp; walks off]''
:'''Wilson''': Oh, crap! Crap! I'm such a sucker!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Foreman calls House on his cell phone as House is at a playground]''
:'''Foreman''': House, where are you?
:'''House''': Playground. Great place to meet chicks. Their moms too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chase''': Everywhere you looked, gingham and stuffed animals.
:'''Taub''': How did you get out of there?
:'''Chase''': I didn't… right away. Wasn't anything wrong with her physically.
:'''Taub''': One down, two members of the threesome to go. You should flip a condom to choose.

=== ''[[w:Family Practice (House)|Family Practice]]'' [7.11] ===
:''[House and his team are watching television in the morgue]''
:'''Masters''': ''[whispers]'' Is no one going to tell me.. ''[House shushes her as he watches television]'' Why we're in the morgue?
:'''Chase''': House is on the lam from someone. Taub's got his money on Wilson, but I'm pretty sure it's Cuddy.
:'''Foreman''': Fool's bet. There's a whole world of angry patients, creditors…

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Taub''': You bugged the room?
:'''House''': I absolutely, without apology, will admit that someone may have allegedly done so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Taub''': Am I a horrible person? I used to win awards for volunteer work. I went to Guatemala and fixed cleft palates. Now we're sitting back letting Chase do our dirty work.
:'''Foreman''': We're doing the right thing. Stay out of it.
:'''Taub''': I don't know. I don't know about anything anymore. Then this thing with the kid, Rachel's brother...
:'''Foreman''': Stay out of that too. A: radiologists — experts, unlike you — said no bleed. B: you yourself said it's probably not. C: you've got no doctor-patient relationship. D: you'll lose your consulting job. E: your ex will kill you. F: I'm running out of alphabet here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cuddy''': I asked you before why you were tough on me.
:'''Arlene''': I wasn't.
:'''Cuddy''': You were. And I know why. You see something in me that you didn't see in Julia and you didn't see in you — a type of ambition, a type of brains. That's why you rode me. You made me yearbook editor, summa undergrad, A.O.A. in med school. The only time I ever see light in your eyes is when you hear me talking about my job. The reason you keep coming to see me in the clinic is because you trust me. You trust my medical judgment. So here it is. If you transfer to Princeton General, you'll be treated well, and you'll die. If you stay here with House, you'll be treated badly, but you'll live. I don't care if I have to slash the tires of every ambulance in this bay, Mom. I am not letting you leave my hospital.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': Once again, you are unfired.
:'''Masters''': Why?
:'''House''': You sold me out even though you knew that you were gonna get thrown out of med school. That's just… kind of impressive.
:'''Masters''': I keep my job if I stand up to you. I keep it if I don't. I… don't buy it.
:'''House''': When Cuddy was protecting me before, she was protecting a doctor. She's now protecting a boyfriend. The hospital's not gonna put up with that for long. So I need you to protect me from doing something Cuddy will regret.

=== ''[[w:You Must Remember This (House)|You Must Remember This]]'' [7.12] ===
:'''House''': Picture a door. Unlocked with the key of the mind. Two medical cases, both more fascinating than the last.
:'''Masters''': That actually makes no logical sense.
:'''House''': This is not a door to logical sense. Also, shut up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Masters''': What about a tutor?
:'''Taub''': I don't need a tutor.
:'''House''': Tutor it is. Choose your poison. Chase, if you prefer pounding Aussie beers and commiserating over the suckiness of divorce. Masters, if you want nervous energy, flash cards, and obnoxious pieces of arcane trivia. Foreman, if you need to be berated by a humorless hard-ass.
:'''Taub''': Foreman.
:'''House''': Interesting. You must be more worried than you look.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Taub''': I'm totally fine. I aced my first pathology boards.
:'''Foreman''': Medicine's come a long way in the last hundred years.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Foreman''': You're nothing but excuses and distractions.
:'''Taub''': Well, it's a nice match with your condescension and superiority.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Foreman''': Why are you giving me these?
:'''House''': Because, while they're off running all these tests, you will be submitting the insurance forms.
:''' Foreman''': There's an entire department for that.
:'''House''': Exactly. The Foreman Department. Of which you are the foreman, Foreman.

=== ''[[w:Two Stories (House)|Two Stories]]'' [7.13] ===
:'''House''': Any questions?
:'''Alex''': ''[raises his arm]'' What's a vibrator?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sophie''': Isn't that like sexual harassment?
:'''House''': Not if you are good-looking.
:''[after House tells the class about the lung]''
:'''Sophie''': How is that even possible?
:'''House''': That's what she said. ''[after noticing that the class keeps looking at him]'' No, she did literally say that.
:'''Masters''': ''[flashback]'' How is that even possible?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': Who password protects a computer they keep in a locked desk in a locked office?
:'''Masters''': Someone who works with someone who thinks it's okay to break into other people's homes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cuddy''': I just need some time alone.
:'''House''': Because I used your toothbrush?!
:'''Cuddy''': And you didn't take out the trash.
:'''House''': That's insane. You know that, right?
:'''Cuddy''': You do ''whatever you want''. Always.
:'''House''': I said I was sorry! I was still half asleep. I wasn't paying attention!
:'''Cuddy''': And you're always right. And not only do always think you're right. But you are actually always right, because that's all that matters.
:'''House''': That doesn't even make sense. What, you want me to be wrong?
:'''Cuddy''': I want you to care about more than just what you want. What you think. You need me, House. And you may even love me, but you don't care about me, and I deserve someone who does.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ms. Fields''': Dr. House, can I ask you a question? Are you insane or just stupid?
:'''House''': Is there a third option?
:'''Fields''': Actually, I don't think there is.
:'''House''': I'm sorry. I just wasn't thinking. I mean, I was, but only about myself, which is apparently the way I am. Usually. Not always. I need to convince someone of that.
:'''Fields''': And you think you can do that by getting someone to pull strings to get her daughter into our pre-school. I spoke to Sanford Wells.
:'''House''': You can call the police. You can turn me in for lying at the accident.
:'''Fields''': I'm sure Mr. Dryden has already taken care of that.
:'''House''': Let her daughter in. She's a great kid and Dr. Cuddy is a great mom. They'll fit in perfectly here.
:'''Fields''': And how exactly does admitting her daughter prove how unselfish you are? It seems like you're still doing it to help yourself, not anyone else.
:'''House''': I don't know. I just know that I need to do something. I need her in my life. Do you know what it's like to actually need someone?
:'''Fields''': Yes. I do. But I also know what it's like to have responsibilities. Maybe it's time you grew up.

=== ''[[w:Recession Proof (House)|Recession Proof]]'' [7.14] ===
:'''Cuddy''': House! I assume you're avoiding me because of the charity gala.
:'''House''': This Friday? It's completely slipped my mind.
:'''Cuddy''': So you'll be there?
:'''House''': No, I meant it slipped my mind to tell you I'm not going.
:'''Cuddy''': What do you think it'll look like if you don't show up when I get an award?
:'''House''': Like I don't give a crap about awards, charities, what it looks like.
:'''Cuddy''': If you ever want…
:'''House''': I RSVPed two days ago. What, you think I'm a complete ass?
:'''Cuddy''': If you were already going, why did you…
:'''House''': Foreplay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Foreman''': Are you wearing my tie?
:'''Taub''': Oh, I saw it in your closet, and it happened to match my shirt.
:'''Foreman''': Why were you in my closet?
:'''Taub''': Looking for a tie. What's the big deal?
:'''House''': Obviously, he wants you out of the closet for some reason. I suspect marriage, but I'm liberal that way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wilson''': Looking forward to Friday night?
:'''Cuddy''': Yes and no. Yes, because it is a great honor, and no because… Well, you know the because.
:'''Wilson''': You think House is going to embarrass you.
:'''Cuddy''': Well, not intentionally. ''[glances at Wilson]'' Maybe intentionally.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Masters''': Do you even like me?
:'''Chase''': Why?
:'''Masters''': I put making friends and having relationships on hold so I could concentrate on studying. I always thought there'll be plenty of time for that in the future. But… now when I do want them… I can't even get a date to this charity event. If I can't establish relationships in my personal life, how will I ever do it with a patient?
:'''Chase''': Be honest with her. But if it comes down to a choice between the brutal truth and hope: side with hope.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': ''[knocks repeatedly on Cuddy's door until she opens it]'' We really, really need to talk.
:'''Cuddy''': You're drunk and you screwed up big time. Go home! ''[House walks in, Cuddy closes the door]'' You completely disappeared on me! You wouldn't even answer your cell phone.
:'''House''': You're going to want to sit down for this. ''[motions toward the sofa]'' Go ahead. Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit. I have made a decision. Being happy and being in love with you makes me a crappy doctor.
:'''Cuddy''': Shut up. You're too drunk to end this relationship.
:'''House''': I am drunk, and I'm also right. You have made me a worse doctor, and people are going to die because of that. ''[long pause]'' And you are totally worth it. If I had to choose between saving everyone or loving you and being happy, I choose you. I choose being happy with you. I will always choose you. ''[sits in the sofa, lays his head down in Cuddy's lap]''

=== ''[[w:Bombshells (House)|Bombshells]]'' [7.15] ===
:'''Cuddy''': Did you actually wake up early and hide under the bed just to scare the crap outta me?
:'''House''': Set an alarm and everything.
:'''Cuddy''': It's like dating a ten-year-old.
:'''House''': God, I hope not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In a sitcom style similar to Two and a Half Men. Applause; knock on door]''
:'''Wilson''': I'll get it!
:'''House''': ''[off screen]'' That better be her.
:''[Wilson opens the door.  A police officer and a little girl wearing flannel with a stripe of pink in her hair are standing in the hallway. The audience oohs.]''
:'''Wilson''': Rachel Cuddy, you were supposed to be home half an hour ago.
:'''Rachel''': Don't blame me; he's the one who wouldn't run any red lights.
:''[The audience laughs. The police officer walks Rachel inside the apartment.]''
:'''Officer''': The mouth on that kid makes Mel Gibson sound like Nelson Mandela. Where'd she learn that?
:''[House enters blowing a bubble with gum. The audience cheers wildly.]''
:'''House''': I don't know why you're here, but I didn't do it.
:'''Wilson:''' What's the problem, officer?
:'''Officer''': She was shoplifting down at the mall. Are either of you this girl's father?
:'''House''': Nope! But since her mom died, she's my favorite tax write-off. ''[walks over to the door and sees the officer out]'' Officer, you have my word it won't happen again, 'cause next time she won't get caught.
:''[House slams the door shut behind the officer, then turns and high-fives Rachel. They hug. Wilson shrugs and joins in on the hug. Cuddy then wakes up from her dream, gasping and staring at the medication on her nightstand.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chase''': Do you want me to quote from First Corinthians? 'Cause I can do that.
:'''Cuddy''': As a Jew, I'm gonna have to decline that offer.
:'''Chase''': Don't know what you're missing. St. Paul was really on his game.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Foreman''': What is it with you and this kid?
:'''Taub''': He's doggy-paddling in a sea of misery.
:'''Foreman''': How far did you have to reach back for that memory? Last night? Sometimes I hear you in the living room watching TV at 3:00 a.m.
:'''Taub''': That's when classic Doctor Who comes on the BBC.
:'''Foreman''': Yeah, if only they had some device that allowed you to record them and watch them another time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cuddy''': You took Vicodin. When you came to my hospital room that night, you were stoned.
:'''House''': How did you know?
:'''Cuddy''': How did I not know? How did I make myself forget for months that you're an addict? My sub-conscious was trying to tell me you could never get through this without drugs.
:'''House''': It was a one time thing.
:'''Cuddy''': It's not about the pills, House. It's about what they mean.
:'''House''': I was scared because I thought my girlfriend might die.
:'''Cuddy''': No. You don't take Vicodin because you're scared. You take it so you won't feel pain. Everything you've ever done is to avoid pain; drugs, sarcasm, keeping everybody at arm's length so no one can hurt you.
:'''House''': As opposed to everyone else in the world who goes looking for pain like it's buried treasure?
:'''Cuddy''': Pain happens when you care. You can't love someone without making yourself open to their problems, their fears, and you're not willing to do that.
:'''House''': I came -- I came to be with you.
:'''Cuddy''': You weren't with me. Not really.
:'''House''': I wanted to be.
:'''Cuddy''': That's not enough.
:'''House''': I can do better.
:'''Cuddy''': I don't think you can. You'll choose yourself over everybody else over and over again because that's just who you are. ''[strokes House's face]'' I'm sorry.
:'''House''': No, no, no. Don't don't.
:'''Cuddy''': I thought I could do this.
:'''House''': Don't, don't. Please don't.
:'''Cuddy''': Goodbye, House.

=== ''[[w:Out of the Chute|Out of the Chute]]'' [7.16] ===
:'''House''': Who's in charge?
:'''Foreman''': House, as long as you're not here, someone has to have the final…
:'''House''': Let me rephrase. Who's your daddy?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Taub''': It's interesting.
:'''Masters''': No, it's not. It's mundane and simple. He's obviously a very blessed specimen, so from an evolutionary point of view, he'd produce healthy offspring, so my prefrontal cortex is telling me I should have sex with him.
:'''Taub''': Oh. Is that all?
:'''Masters''': Yes. My rational brain knows he's a hillbilly and an idiot.
:'''Taub''': And yet somehow your rational brain is losing the argument, which is interesting.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wilson''': We are gonna talk about this, and we're gonna deal with this.
:'''House''': So I have no choice. Fine. Unless... unless... yes, I do. I do have legs. I see you didn't factor those into your brilliant plan.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wilson''': ''[about House]'' He needs you.
:'''Cuddy''': I love him. And I know he loves me. But I just can't.
:'''Wilson''': He needs you in his life. Even if you're not sleeping with him, he needs you. Without you...
:'''Cuddy''': You can't go backwards. I can't fix his problem. I am his problem.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cuddy:''' I think maybe you're looking for something that can excite you. Fill a void. And it's affecting your judgement.
:'''House:''' You're right. I am. But my damaged, depressed, drug-addled judgment is still better than yours or any other doctor's in this hospital. And my team is going to do this procedure and save his life. So you can either have security arrest me and my team or you can get the hell out of my way. ''[He pauses and watches her face]'' And she caves.

=== ''[[w:Fall From Grace (House)|Fall From Grace]]'' [7.17] ===
:''[House arrives in his office on a Segway with Dominika]''
:'''House''': Before I forget, I want you to meet Dominika. She's about to become a permanent member of Team House.
:'''Dominika''': ''[stands and hook her arm into House's arm possessively]'' Nice to be meetings you all. ''[puts a wedding invitation down on the table]''
:'''Chase''': Doing what exactly?
:'''House''': Me. We're getting married on Friday. ''[to Dominika]'' Mount up!
:''[Dominika gets on the Segway behind House and puts her arms around his waist]''
:'''Masters''': I don't think that two people are supposed…
:'''House''': Living on the edge, baby doll!
:''[House honks the horn and he and Dominika roll out of the conference room on the Segway]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wilson''': Congratulations on your engagement.
:'''House''': I hear a strange voice.
:'''Dominika''': A very soft-looking man. Must be the Wilson.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Taub''': ''[House's helicopter hits him in the head]'' Ow! What the hell?
:'''House''': Negative reinforcement.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[House checks the patient, Danny's pulse]''
:'''Danny''': Who are you?
:'''House''': Shhh!
:'''Danny''': What are you doing?
:'''House''': Test.
:'''Danny''': Who are you?
:'''House''': The important question is, who are you? Danny Jennings is dead, which means that Danny Jennings has no pulse. You, on the other hand… do. Ergo, you are not Danny Jennings. ''[leans his cane against the bed]'' Or I did the test wrong. So why don't you cut the crap and tell me your real name.
:'''Danny''': No.
:'''House''': Hiding your identity… Well, either you're a criminal or a superhero.
:'''Danny''': I'm not a criminal.
:'''House''': Awesome. What color is my underwear?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wilson''': ''[about House]'' He's gone too far. He's taking up six handicapped spaces with a monster truck.
:'''Cuddy''': It's only four, and he's gonna get rid of it after the wedding.
:'''Wilson''': And the chapel… He's turned the chapel into his own personal catering hall.
:'''Cuddy''': Who cares? Other than a janitor sleeping off a bender, he's the first person to use it in two weeks.
:'''Wilson''': Appeasement is never the answer in the face of naked aggression. It won't be long before his tanks are rolling down your Champs-Elysees.
:'''Cuddy''': I know what House is doing. You, on the other hand… why do you care? He isn't hurting anyone.
:'''Wilson''': ''[walks to the chair in front of Cuddy's desk and sits down with his arms crossed over his chest]'' You're the first boss he's ever had who could handle him. Before you, he was either fired or buried under a mountain of malpractice suits. He needs someone to say no. He needs someone he'll listen to, when they say no. If you really care about House, you'll stop feeling sorry for him and get out there and start kicking him where he needs kicking.

=== ''[[w:The Dig (House)|The Dig]]'' [7.18] ===
:'''Thirteen''': The interrogation thing is getting annoying.
:'''House''': Studies have shown that un-annoying interrogation is 50% less effective.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': Junior year high school, you placed fourth in the West Virginia all-county science fair. Your project? Clean combustion.
:'''Thirteen''': Yeah. I also wore a training bra. Things have changed.
:'''House''': ''[under his breath]'' Not that much.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Taub''': You're mad.
:'''Foreman''': No. Actually, I'm impressed. Messing around on a 22-year-old hottie with your wife on my sofa. You're a full-throttle head case.
:'''Taub''': I was doing you a solid with the sofa. Rachel wanted to do it in your bed. You've got the memory foam top.
:'''Foreman''': Let's make this really simple: If I own it, I don't want you doing it on it.
:'''Taub''': You might want to get rid of your kitchen table. Look, I'm sorry.. ''[slightly laughing]'' but it was worth it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Foreman''': Sounded a lot like… Thirteen.
:'''House''': It's a Thirteen tribute band with their new song, &quot;I've got a better theory than Masters.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': ''[to Thirteen]'' I'll kill you. When the time comes, if you want me to. I'll do it now if you like. ''[looking behind him.]'' I've got a baseball bat in the back.

=== ''[[w:Last Temptation (House)|Last Temptation]]'' [7.19] ===
:'''Foreman''': I'm glad you're gonna be sticking around after today.
:'''Masters''': Really? You want me to stay?
:'''Foreman''': It's good to add a different perspective to the department. Someone who still remembers there are rules other than House's.
:'''Masters''': If I don't play by House's rules, he won't let me in.
:'''Foreman''': Find a way around them.
:'''Masters''': I'd have to lie to him, which is still lying.
:'''Thirteen''': Lying about a lie, that's practically telling the truth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Masters''': Why are you lying about rehab?
:'''Thirteen''': Because the real reason I was gone is not something I want to share.
:'''Masters''': Couldn't you just say that? Should be enough for Foreman and the others.
:'''Thirteen''': How long have you worked here? House's people have personalities that range from nosy to, &quot;pardon me while I do this cavity search.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Masters''': She could die.
:'''House''': Pretty sure the law of the land states that everyone has the right to be an idiot. I think it's the Second Amendment.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Masters''': Isn't that House's chicken?
:'''Wilson''': Disgusting beasts. I don't know why I ever agreed to this bet.
:'''Masters''': So call it off.
:'''Wilson''': And lose $20?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Masters''': I broke the rules because I believed I was right.
:'''House''': You were right.
:'''Masters''': Then why don't I feel good or satisfied? Instead, I just feel like throwing up.
:'''House''': And you're following me to ask how I break the rules and maintain my rosy demeanor.
:'''Masters''': I didn't do it to be happy. I just thought I would be.
:'''House''': You can't always get what you want.

=== ''[[w:Changes (House)|Changes]]'' [7.20] ===
:'''Taub''': Sure, some people will screw up anything, but some won't. That kind of cash, he has a chance to turn a miserable life around.
:'''House''': Miserable stays miserable. Happy doesn't buy lottery tickets in the first place.
:'''Thirteen''': Our level of happiness is set. It's in our DNA. No cash payout's gonna change that.
:'''House''': It's like there's two of me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cuddy''': My mother's lawyer called. She's threatening to sue the hospital over our mistreatment of her. Says it slowed her recovery.
:'''House''': You know, I was just thinking how much I want a relationship with no sex, but where I still have to deal with your mother.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cuddy''': No clinic hours for the next quarter.
:'''House''': And three parking spots, next to each other, so I can park diagonally. And three pairs of your underwear. I'm thinking of taking up sailing.
:'''Cuddy''': Forget it. Treat your patient, don't treat your patient. Come to the meeting, don't come to the meeting. I'm done playing your game.
:'''House''': You realize the game is automatically over when the loser loses, right?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': Down on the patient's romance because your own lifespan is shorter than dinner and a movie?
:'''Thirteen''': You're the one who said miserable stays miserable.
:'''House''': You keep saying it. Several times a day.
:'''Thirteen''': I love being back, having every theory you and I share used as proof of my own personal damage.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': It'll end horribly.
:'''Thirteen''': Not for him. She may take all his money, and he may be a naive idiot but he'll always be hopeful, so he'll always be happy.
:'''House''': You lost your mother. You euthanized your brother. You got the life expectancy of a pretty good sitcom. If you can convince yourself that you'd be miserable no matter what, even without all that stuff, then maybe you don't have to hate the universe, for dumping a giant turd on you. Fatalism is your survival mechanism.
:'''Thirteen''': And you? Dumped by everyone you've ever loved. Rehab was a bust. Your leg feels like someone took a giant bite out of it. We are who we are. Lotteries are stupid.

=== ''[[w:The Fix (House)|The Fix]]'' [7.21] ===
:'''Thirteen''': Karma's a bitch.
:'''Foreman''': You think her seizures are the result of bad karma?
:'''Thirteen''': I think if you spend your days designing ever more effective ways to blow people up, stuff's bound to come back to you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wilson''': If he's ignoring you, it's because he trusts you.
:'''Foreman''': No, it's not.
:'''Wilson''': No, it's not, but he does.
:'''Foreman''': Thanks. I feel warm inside.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terry''': What the hell?
:'''House''': Don't worry. It's just epinephrine.
:'''Terry''': Ep... is it dangerous?
:'''House''': In the wrong hands, very. So... yeah, sort of.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Foreman''': My theory is that he's only avoiding us because he really wants to avoid you.
:'''Cuddy''': ''[[w:Ma Nishtana|Ma nishtana]]''.
:''[Foreman looks blank]''
:'''Cuddy''': You made it through med school without ever attending a ''[[w:Passover Seder|seder]]''? It means, &quot;Why is this night different from all other nights?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': Leg hurts. Would you mind getting me a coffee?
:'''Dr. Riggin''': How does coffee help your leg?
:'''House''': It will prevent me from walking to get the coffee.
:'''Riggin''': Right.

=== ''[[w:After Hours (House)|After Hours]]'' [7.22] ===
:'''Chase''': You killed your own brother?
:'''Thirteen''': Yes. It was awful and devastating, but it wasn't murder. He was sick and he wanted to die, and I promised I would help. Now please stop pacing and help me find this thing.
:'''Chase''': Have you talked to anybody about it? I mean, are you okay?
:'''Thirteen''': No, I may have an aortic arch aneurysm. Oh, wait, that's her. Either help me or leave.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Rachel is watching an adult pirate cartoon]''
:'''Cuddy''': What are you watching?
:'''Rachel''': TV, you bloody scallywag. ''[Cuddy turns off the TV]'' ''[whining]'' Mo-om!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': There are no cars coming. Just go.
:'''Rachel''': The light is red, ye bloody scallywag.
:'''Cuddy''': Stop with the pirate talk.
:'''House''': If you don't want Brownbeard to end up with two wooden legs, better get your ma to move this ship, you mangy bilge rat.
:'''Cuddy''': Of course... you showed her that filthy cartoon. What kind of idiot lets a three-year-old watch that?
:'''House''': If you want to lecture me on my poor judgment, there seems to be more relevant examples.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[House wakes up from surgery]''
:'''House''': What are you doing here?
:'''Wilson''': You hoping for someone else?
:'''House''': Hot nurse, candy striper… Someone who doesn't speak English. Someone who doesn't speak judgmental.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wilson''': You're an ass.
:'''House''': What, for trying to walk on a freshly mangled leg? Performing surgery on myself? For thinking I could solve my emotional problems with rat medicine? If you're gonna nag, at least have the decency to be specific.

=== ''[[W:Moving On (House)|Moving On]]'' [7.23] ===
:'''Cuddy''': You stood me up.
:'''House''': Sorry. Should have scheduled my patient's internal bleeding for Thursday.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chase''': You want us to waste a bed on her?
:'''House''': You took an oath… an oath to be cool. At least that was the one I mumbled under my breath while everyone else was doing the boring one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wilson''': You're forging my name on prescriptions again.
:'''House''': No. What you just said implies that I stopped at some point.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': You think I have unresolved issues and you are the unresolved issues.
:'''Cuddy''': Yes. But it's... I think it's more than that. It's your life, your choices.
:'''House''': I did it to fix my life. No, wait, no, I did it because I'm a deeply unhappy person. No, no, I did it to get sympathy from you. I did it to piss you off. I did it because I'm not over you, or I was over you, and I was moving on. I did it because I want to know what it's like not to be in pain. I did it because I want to feel more pain. Whatever the reason, it was a bad reason and a bad idea. That's all that matters. Good lunch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cuddy''': House… talk to me!
:'''House''': I already did.
:'''Cuddy''': ''[gets in front of House, trying to stop him]'' No, you just parroted back what Wilson and I've been saying to you the last few days.
:'''House''': Get out of my way.
:'''Cuddy''': No. ''[She looks down and touches his leg.]'' Oh, you pulled a stitch. House, please just talk to me.
:''[Cuddy takes House's arms, trying to turn him to face her and House pushes Cuddy against a wall and they are staring face to face]''
:'''House''': ''[loudly]'' You want to know how I feel? ''[two deep breaths then, quietly]'' I feel hurt.
:''[Cuddy takes House's hands from her upper arms and holds them.]''
:'''Cuddy''': I know. I'm sorry. ''[Cuddy's final line]''
:'''House''': It's not your fault. ''[pulls his hands free and walks off.]''

== Cast ==
* [[w:Gregory House|Dr. Gregory House]] - [[w:Hugh Laurie|Hugh Laurie]]
* [[w:James Wilson (House)|Dr. James Wilson]] - [[w:Robert Sean Leonard|Robert Sean Leonard]]
* [[w:Lisa Cuddy|Dr. Lisa Cuddy]] - [[w:Lisa Edelstein|Lisa Edelstein]]

* [[w:Eric Foreman|Dr. Eric Foreman]] - [[w:Omar Epps|Omar Epps]]
* [[w:Robert Chase|Dr. Robert Chase]] - [[w:Jesse Spencer|Jesse Spencer]]

* [[w:Chris Taub|Dr. Chris Taub]] - [[w:Peter Jacobson|Peter Jacobson]]
* [[w:Thirteen (House)|Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley]] - [[w:Olivia Wilde|Olivia Wilde]]

* [[w:Martha Masters (House)|Dr. Martha Masters]] - [[w:Amber Tamblyn|Amber Tamblyn]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.house-boards.com/ House M.D. Boards]
* {{imdb title|0412142|House}}
* [http://www.epguides.com/House/ House, M.D. at epguides.com]
* [http://www.watchinghouse.com/  Watching House updated daily]
* [http://www.drhouseforum.de/  German Dr. House Board]
* [http://www.drhouse.de/  German Dr. House Page]
* [http://tvtdb.com/house Episode transcripts] at TVTDB.com

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:'''Seasons:'''  [[House (Season 1)|1]] [[House (Season 2)|2]] [[House (Season 3)|3]] [[House (Season 4)|4]] [[House (Season 5)|5]] [[House (Season 6)|6]] [[House (Season 7)|7]] [[House (Season 8)|8]] | [[House (TV series)|Main]]
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'''''[[w:House (TV series)|House]]''''' (2004–2012), created by David Shore, is about an irreverent, controversial, but successful doctor who trusts no one, least of all his patients. 


=== ''[[W:Twenty Vicodin|Twenty Vicodin]]'' [8.01] ===
:'''[[w:Gregory House|Dr. Gregory House]]''': This another pet? Cause it's going to end badly. Again. Remember we talked about this. At least I talked, and you stared at me eerily. I think it was eerily. &quot;Eerily&quot; felt like the best-case scenario. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mendelson''': Why you keep helping him out?
:'''House''': Yeah, why would I wanna make sure that my homicidal cellmate is taking the right anti-psychotics? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Jessica Adams|Dr. Jessica Adams]]''': I checked your file. You didn't have a bad lawyer. You had no lawyer. You took the first deal they offered because you wanted to punish yourself. You think getting beat up, saving this one guy is going to wipe your slate clean?
:'''House''': No.
:'''Adams''': Then why are you doing this?
:'''House''': Because I have a gift. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': That look of shock is elitist and offensive. Doctors can be degenerates too. This is America.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': Before I went to Med School. Thought about getting a PHD in Physics. You ever hear of dark matter? The galaxies rotate. Motion of the universe. It means there's six times more stuff than we can detect. But it's theorized. No one's ever proved it exists.
:'''Adams''': So uh, so you want to research it? Why?
:'''House''': It's the greatest mystery there is. Theory of everything.
:'''Adams''': And completely divorced from humanity.
:'''House''': Me and humanity, we got married too young.

=== ''[[W:Transplant (House)|Transplant]]'' [8.02] ===
:'''House''': Nice painting. Blues and greens. Calming, but with a hint of nurturing. Totally offsets the stench of suffering and death. Where's my patient? We need to not talk.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Eric Foreman|Dr. Eric Foreman]]''': Get this straight. You break the law, you go back to jail. Scam extra Vicodin, back to jail. Flout my authority, make the hospital look bad, back to jail. I own you.
:'''House''': Yassa, massa.
:'''Foreman''': See, that would be an example.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': Okay, I'll go first. My boss dumped me, and yours what? Called you his china doll? Joked about what a crappy deal you got for Manhattan? Assumed that you had a huge penis? I have no idea what flavor you are, so I thought I'd just cover the spread.
:'''[[w:Chi Park|Dr. Chi Park]]''': My mom's Filipino, dad's Korean, and my boss grabbed my behind.
:'''House''': Behind what? Oh, yeah, your... grabbed your tushy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Weathers''': I told you, my son didn't do cocaine.
:'''House''': Druggies are not known for their honesty.  Trust me on this one. ''[pops Vicodin]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': But just do whatever you have to do to get over this. Punch me in the face, kick me in the nuts. Either or. Both seems excessive.

=== ''[[W:Charity Case|Charity Case]]'' [8.03] ===
:'''Adams''': You said we were meeting for coffee.
:'''House''': Well, when someone asks you if you want coffee, they obviously don't just mean coffee. Wait, did you think I was referring to sex? ''[to Park]'' Would you shut the blinds on the way out?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': In the meantime, there's no way a do-gooder like you isn't volunteering all over town. Ladling kittens, spaying soup.
:'''Adams''': There is a free clinic in Trenton.
:'''House''': Well, think of it as today's free clinic, only with fewer bums with herpes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Foreman''': House, I worked for you for 7 years. I know how you operate. So when I see symptoms magically show up right when you need them...
:'''House''': And I was your boss for 7 years, and I know what a suspicious, micromanaging hardass you are.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': I'm not joking. You're fired. Don't come in tomorrow.
:'''[[w:Thirteen (House)|Dr. Remy &quot;Thirteen&quot; Hadley]]''': House...
:'''House''': I can work with people who've got nowhere else to go. People who've got something to prove. People who just get off on weird cases. but I can't work with someone who is here so she doesn't have to feel bad.
:'''Thirteen''': You're trying to save me.
:'''House''': Yes. I think that little of you and that much of me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Park''': You do know I punched the last person that pissed me off?
:'''Adams''': ''[while rolling her eyes and walking away]'' Was it Santa?

=== ''[[W:Risky Business (House)|Risky Business]]'' [8.04]===
:'''Park''': Dr. Wilson, I need your advice. Um, I bet House $100 that I wouldn't get fired after my disciplinary hearing. Ever since then he's been acting like he's actually trying to get me fired.
:'''[[w:James Wilson (House)|Dr. James Wilson]]''': That's because he is actually trying to get you fired.
:'''Park''': Does he hate me?
:'''Wilson''': I'm not sure that's relevant to the equation.
:'''Park''': So it's really over $100.
:'''Wilson''': I'm not sure the amount is relevant. He's fighting for his honor.
:'''Park''': He'll ruin my career!
:'''Wilson''': I'm not sure that's...
:'''Park''': What if I bet him $200 I WILL get fired?
:'''Wilson''': He sees competing bets from the same person a disgrace to the game. He'll be even more motivated to beat you.
:'''Park''': If you were me, what would you do?
:'''Wilson''': You have to give him something he values more than honor. And you should update your resume. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': Loyalty to real estate is stupid, because loyalty is stupid.
:'''Park''': First patriotism, now loyalty. You hate ice cream, too?
:'''House''': French vanilla. To willfully identify yourself as something is a perversion of self-expression.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Adams''': I could do $5,000.
:'''House''': Really? No backsies?
:'''Adams''': If.... you double your clinic hours. 6 a week. I've seen how you disrespect those patients.
:'''House''': So you want twice as many of them disrespected?
:'''Adams''': Spend more hours with them, you'll treat them more humanely.
:'''House''': And this time a land war in Russia will be a good idea.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Adams''': Thad Barton? We only help rich white guys? 
:'''House''': I am an equal opportunity exploiter. I only help those who can help myself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': I claim this burger in the name of Queen Isabella of Spain.
:'''Adams''': I'll go check on the patient. ''[she gets up and House is about to bite down on her burger]'' I have hepatitis C.
:'''Park''': ''[as House is about to bite down on her burger instead]'' She got it from me.

=== ''[[W:The Confession (House)|The Confession]]'' [8.05] ===
:'''Foreman''': As the new Dean of Medicine, I'd like to personally welcome our new employees, and ask why the Hell did you want to come back?
:'''[[w:Robert Chase|Dr. Robert Chase]]''': Tired of surfing.
:'''Foreman''': He hasn't changed.
:'''Chase''': And neither has the job, right? We still get to do crazy crap.
:'''[[w:Chris Taub|Dr. Chris Taub]]''': Save people's lives instead of just their noses.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Park''': But it could end up causing another cardiac arrest.
:'''House''': Hopefully, and we'll know what set it off.
:'''Chase''': What he means is, it's better to do it here where we can revive him than have it happen somewhere else.
:'''House''': The prodigal son has returned. ''[hugs Chase] ''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chase''': If people told nothing but the truth, the world would probably burn down overnight.
:'''Adams''': Some people think it's burning now. Maybe if everybody didn't lie...
:'''House''': Aw, that is cute. I'm talking about your breasts. They always get perky when you're being painfully earnest. Truth. It's uncomfortable, isn't it? More truth... I only noticed because Chase was staring at them. He'd never admit it, because he doesn't want to offend you. Same reason he'd never tell you that he's thought about having sex with you. Although, to be fair, every man you've ever met has thought about having sex with you. They'll lie, because if you knew, you probably wouldn't want to have sex with them. And that's just some of the lies from the last minute. And here's a bigger one: you already know this, but you pretend you don't because it makes you feel civilized. Most people find it easier to ignore the truth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Park''': I'm sorry. I thought I was here to treat the patients, not entertain you.
:'''House''': Would it hurt to do both? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Foreman''': What's House up to? He hasn't asked me for anything. He's been incredibly well behaved. He's doing his clinic hours.
:'''Wilson''': That ''is'' a sign of concern.

=== ''[[W:Parents (House)|Parents]]'' [8.06]===
:'''House''': Following your heart is easy. Following your brain is tough. Especially after years of following that much smaller third organ. That's why all parents screw up all children.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': Screwed up is your best case. Bouncing between a philandering workaholic dad and an embittered, sexually betrayed mom, it's gonna lead to screwed-up squared. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Monroe''': I need insulin. I know it.
:'''House''': Much as I'd like to kill you by dangerously lowering your blood sugar, murder violates my parole.
:'''Monroe''': ''[pointing to the printout of his test results]'' That bloodwork is week's old. Test me again.
:'''House''': I am the test. The test is negative. The test also thinks you're a giant pain in the ass. That last insult was your cue to leave.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chase''': You know how I got interested in medicine? When my mother drank, she couldn't handle me, so she locked me in my father's study. Only so many hours you can cry and bang on the door before you give up, find something to read. We all have family dysfunction. That's why we're successful. To fill that hole.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chase''': ''[to Adams]'' You claim you're not screwed up. You may even believe it. But House doesn't and I don't, so you can wait till he camps out on your parents' lawn or you can admit you don't live on some higher plane and thank me later.

=== ''[[W:Dead &amp; Buried (House)|Dead &amp; Buried]]'' [8.07] ===
:'''House''': You're right.
:'''Wilson''': You don't even know what I said.
:'''House''': That is ridiculous. Blah blah blah blah blah deaf ears. Blah blah blah blah blah blah. Absolutely essential information.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Foreman''': Which means it's too late for me to back down. It's no longer my choice. It's just me - telling me he can get away with anything... I have to send him to prison. 
:'''Wilson''': Your job is to keep this machine running. It's your choice to make House a useful tool or a monkey wrench. Cuddy's way didn't fail because she didn't try to control House, she managed him. She knew better than anybody what a tool he could be.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Foreman''': 14 year old girl - intermittent attacks.
:'''House''': 4 year old boy - consistently at death's door.
:''[Foreman starts to walk away]''
:'''Adams''': This patient died 5 years ago.
:''[Foreman returns and puts the file on House's desk]''
:'''House''': I didn't say which side of the door he was on. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': I need to DDX a patient with you.
:'''Wilson''': I thought you had a team for that.
:'''House''': According to Foreman, they're only for DDXing people who are still alive.
:'''Wilson''': ...You have a dead patient?
:'''House''': Bigotry is boring when we add modifiers. I don't see creed, color, pulse. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wilson''': You're an addict. And I'm an idiot for thinking your addictions were limited to pills, anti-social behavior and sarcasm.
:'''House''': ''[belches]'' Sorry Vicodin repeating on me.
:'''Wilson''': You're also addicted to puzzles. You show all the classic behaviors: lying, neglecting responsibilities, and you can't stop - no matter how devastating the consequences.

=== ''[[W:Perils of Paranoia|Perils of Paranoia]]'' [8.08] ===
:'''Adams''': Am I weird?
:'''Chase''': Yeah, but you're hot so it's easier to put up with.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Taub''': If anarchy breaks out, I plan to do what my ancestors have done throughout the ages: run.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chase''': He's not in prison; It's kinda hard to gas a guy unless you can seal him in a room first.
:'''House''': Which is why [[w:List of Pokémon (441–493)#Arceus|Arceus]] created the universe with three states of matter, and three hundred solid and liquid poisons that could cause these symptoms.
:'''Taub''': Arceus?
:'''House''': ''[takes a sip of tea]'' Look it up. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Taub''': Impressive.
:'''House''': The wiliness with which Foreman ruled out anxiety or his complete wiliness-less-ness before he met me?
:'''Taub''': The fact that you managed to smear jelly on almost every page.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Adams''': Wait, why would you think his wife poisoned him?
:'''House''': Because dangerous people don't break into your home, they live in it. And although his kids are old enough to want Daddy dead, they're still too young to do anything about it.
:'''Taub''': Must be such a pleasure to live in your head.
:'''House''': You're right. Kids might be precocious.

=== ''[[W:Better Half (House)|Better Half]]'' [8.09] ===
:'''Chase''': Taub's daughter is sick.
:'''House''': Isn't that the point of having a spare?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': With great power comes great micromanaging.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Adams''': Sex releases oxytocin. It's the neurochemical basis for bonding.
:'''House''': And that's why men always marry their right hands.
:'''Adams''': It's different for girls.
:'''Park''': No it's not. I've tapped over 30 guys and never wanted to see most of them again. ''[everyone stares]'' I live next to a Jewish frat.
:'''House''': We are veering wildly off track. Please continue.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wilson''': Two people are happy, and your natural impulse is to destroy it.
:'''House''': How do you know she's happy? Did she tell you?
:'''Wilson''': No, chirping birds flew out of her butt carrying a banner.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': Better to have schtupped and lost then never to have schtupped at all.

=== ''[[W:Runaways (House)|Runaways]]'' [8.10] ===
:'''House''': How I miss the sweet smell of stickin' it to the man.
:'''Wilson''': Adams is right. You're protecting this girl.
:'''House''': No, I was wrong. It's the stench of moralizing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ellen''': You must be Dr. House.
:'''House''': I save my appearances for when parents are on the brink of doing something incredibly stupid.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': As much as I'd like to take your word for it, I have no interest in taking your word for it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': I'd turn around and shoot you, but apparently I'd miss.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Adams''': Do you think people can change?
:'''Chase''': No. But I don't think that's gonna change your opinion, because... people don't change.

=== ''[[W:Nobody's Fault (House)|Nobody's Fault]]'' [8.11] ===
:'''Walter Cofield''': Let the record show that we are officially convening a disciplinary hearing regarding the events of February 3, 2012 in patient room 209. Dr. House, this recording will be transcribed and published along with all supporting documentation and rulings. Do you have any questions before we get started?
:'''House''': Yeah. Who the hell are you?
:'''Cofield''': I'm Walter Cofield, Chief of Neurology, Mercy Hospital. I'll be deciding your fate today.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cofield''': What are you doing?
:'''House''': Taking my Vic-amins.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach, teach gym. Those who can't move their arms or legs teach us to laugh at others.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Foreman''': House… is brilliant. I give him the benefit of the doubt most of the time because I've seen what he can do.
:'''Cofield''': Getting House out of prison is the biggest decision you've made as Dean of Medicine, right? And if he's suspended as a result of this hearing, he violates his parole and he goes back. And that probably leaves you as former Dean of Medicine.
:'''Foreman''': I suppose so.
:'''Cofield''': You didn't choose me to oversee this because you thought I could be objective. You chose me because you thought I'd have your back and I'd think twice about making a decision that would get you fired. Eric. I'm sorry. But if your get-House-out-of-jail-free experiment blows up in your face, it's not my job to get you out of it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cofield''': ''[to Chase]'' You brazenly defied your boss. Now that happened either because Dr. House has established that that's okay in his world, or his prank war distracted you, or House makes medicine a game, and you just wanted to beat him. Whatever the reason, it boils down to the fact that you may never walk again because House created an atmosphere that promotes recklessness.

=== ''[[W:Chase (House episode)|Chase]]'' [8.12] ===
:'''House''': If she likes crippled guys, I'm free for the next six minutes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Adams''': Three weeks ago, you never would have slept with a patient. And you never would have operated on her after. You need help.
:'''Chase''': I need to get away from House and everything that reminds me of him.
:'''Adams''': By breaking the rules, not caring what anyone else thinks. You're gonna get away from him by turning into him?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': Plaques... can be mistaken for nodules... which means...
:'''Chase''': Syphilis.
:'''House''': Explains the shoulder and foot involvement. Hope you practiced immaculate contraception.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chase''': She's throwing her life away based on blind faith!
:'''House''': So are you! She's found something she wants to build her life around. It's a total illusion, but apparently, she'll take a little ignorance with her bliss. You want to take that away.
:'''Chase''': How many times have you thrown the truth in people's faces?
:'''House''': Because it's the truth, not because we're gonna live happily ever after! Either your relationship just blows up, like every other non-magical romance, or she stays with you but blames you for stripping all the meaning out of her life.
:'''Chase''': This has nothing to do with the truth. You don't like that I'm reassessing my life. That I want to change it. That I can.
:'''House''': Anyone can screw up a life. I never said ''that'' wasn't possible.
:'''Chase''': You're incapable of human connection, so you want everyone to be like you.
:'''House''': ''[shouting]'' If I wanted you to be like me... ''[calmer]'' I would be urging you to make a stupid, stubborn decision that blows up your life and leaves you lonely and miserable. You reassess your life when you make mistakes. You didn't. You just got stabbed.

=== ''[[W:Man of the House (House)|Man of the House]]'' [8.13] ===
:'''House''': Now, I am hereby searching for a number two. So I'm eating a lot of bran. Also, I want a team leader.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': I'm guessing that your testosterone level is just below &quot;[[w:Justin Bieber|Bieber]].&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Taub''': If low testosterone means I can't get sick with something else, punch me in the junk right now.
:'''House''': I would, if it weren't redundant.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Park''': So, nobody cares about the position until I apply, and suddenly it's the last limited-edition [[w:Lightsaber|lightsaber]] at [[w:Comic Con|ComiCon]]? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Taub''': House is a dictator. Second in command is a meaningless position.

=== ''[[W:Love Is Blind (House)|Love is Blind]]'' [8.14] ===
:'''Park''': 82 pounds. ''[Everyone stares]'' How much weight I put on when my break ended the same way. People were calling me &quot;Park-ing Lot.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Thomas''': Practically walked in on us having sex. God, if I saw my mother doing that I'd claw my own eyes out. Of course, she was nowhere near as attractive as you. Horribly fat, as a matter of fact.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': How long are you going to wait until you tell me?
:'''Wilson''': I thought we already had the Santa Claus talk.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Park''': ''[to Will, the patient]'' I'm Dr. Park, by the way. I'm 5'2&quot;, Asian, and I'm totally cool with it if you want to feel my face.
:'''Melissa''': Blind people only do that in movies.
:'''Will''': But you sound nice, so if you want me to...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Adams''': We see people with disabilities all the time, but seeing and understanding are not the same.
:'''Chase''': Are you talking to me, or writing a Facebook post?

=== ''[[W:Blowing the Whistle|Blowing the Whistle]]'' [8.15] ===
:'''House''': What's the opposite of &quot;thank you&quot;? I'm pretty sure it ends in &quot;you.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wilson''': House?
:'''House''': Shhhh. I'm with a patient.
:''[Wilson turns on the lights to see the patient House is with passed out]''
:'''House''': Sleep study.
:'''Wilson''': You drugged him?
:'''House''': I didn't say the study was voluntary.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brant''': Who are you?
:'''House''': Well, considering the only people allowed in this room are your doctors and your family... I'm your long-lost cousin Ralph. So glad to finally meet you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wilson''': I've been avoiding you because you're an ass.
:'''House''': I've been an ass my whole life. I can't get rid of you.
:'''Wilson''': You can get rid me of now. Just turn and limp away.
:'''House''': Huh. Your whiny righteousness has the stench of sincerity.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Adams''': You want to reject our current diagnosis because he... he had a few grey hairs, panicked and shaved his head?
:'''House''': I'm gonna reject your current diagnosis because I think we're wrong and treating for wrong diagnoses can result in side effects like death.

=== ''[[W:Gut Check|Gut Check]]'' [8.16] ===
:'''Taub''': I've known a lot of bullies.  People who didn't like me because I'm short. People who didn't like me because I'm Jewish.
:'''House''': I get it.  There's a long list of reasons not to like you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': Every little girl wants a pony till they have to clean up after it.
:'''Wilson''': You think I'm going to quit on this? On an 11-year-old?
:'''House''': The only relationship you haven't quit on has been me.
:'''Wilson''': Hmm. A needy, truculent narcissist. I think it's been perfect training for parenthood.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': The sound of a needy child is stirring your paternal juices.
:'''Wilson''': The sound of a needy child at 112 decibels has stirred my inner murderer. Don't mess with me. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Adams''': Aside from the crying, he's actually recovering nicely.
:'''Taub''': Aside from the guy in the book depository, the Kennedys had a lovely trip to Dallas.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chase''': Fighting's the best part of hockey. Without it you'd have the ice capades.
:'''Taub''': Fighting has nothing to do with hockey. It's like the cheerleaders at a basketball game.
:'''Chase''': Cheerleading's the best part of basketball. Without it, you've got... basketball.

=== ''[[W:We Need the Eggs|We Need the Eggs]]'' [8.17] ===
:'''House''': Sex? At work? I'm not a savage.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': Sex is a given. They're hookers. To get the gig, a call girl - sorry, 'call woman' - needs a combination of skills that I find useful/entertaining for the remaining 57 minutes of the hour I paid for.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': ''[[w:Mazel tov|Mazal tov]]'', Great relationships often start with snap decisions aimed at proving me wrong.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': So let me get this straight, I'm being dumped by a hooker who's worried about my feelings?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Park''': Have you ever paid for sex?
:'''Taub''': Every guy who has ever seen a Merchant-Ivory movie has paid for sex

=== ''[[W:Body &amp; Soul (House)|Body &amp; Soul]]'' [8.18] ===
:'''House''': Tell the parents to lay off the grades. The world needs fry cooks, too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': [[W:Sudden unexpected death syndrome|SUNDS, Sudden Unexpected Nocturnal Death Syndrome]]. AKA, BS name for 'no one's figured out why they died.' Over 100 in the early '80s. Only male. Only [[W:Hmong people|Hmong]]. Healthy, right up until the moment they died in their sleep.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dominika''': How can you believe in [[W:Dark matter|dark matters]] but not in dark spirits? Is the idea of demon so different than the [[W:Higgs boson|Higgs boson]]? We can't see it, but we can see the impact of its presence. I borrowed your physics book. I read while in bathroom.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': We can also act like walls don't mean anything. But then we'd hurt our noses.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wilson''': It looks like my watch has stopped. It seems ''never'' has arrived.

=== ''[[W:The C-Word|The C-Word]]'' [8.19] ===
:'''House''': We don't have to have sex. Sometimes it's nice just to cuddle and talk. Me first. You don't want a second opinion. You're already on your fifth. You got Evans at Mercy, Shaw at County, Foster at Johns Hopkins. And every one of them has given you the same advice. You're nuts. You don't just want chemo. You want a dose so high, there's a one-in-three chance it'll kill you outright. Question is, why didn't you tell me? Because you knew I'd stop you. Which means you've already found someone insane enough or desperate enough to give you what amounts to a death dose of chemicals. But who would be that stupid? I'm thinking that the who, is you. Where exactly were you planning on killing yourself? 'Cause I don't think Foreman is gonna let you do it here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': Statistically, this treatment has about the same chance of killing you as the thymoma does. But a hell of a lot faster.
:'''Wilson''': ''[Picks up a small maze puzzle off his desk]'' Nancy Wells, cervical cancer, 70% survival rate. Died November 6, 1998; 64 years old. ''[Puts the puzzle down and picks up a small wooden carving of a bird]'' Bernie Jones, melanoma, 89% survival rate. October 10, 1999. He was 52. ''[Puts the bird back and picks up a deep sea diver from a collection of toys on a counter behind his desk]'' John Taylor. Thyroid. 96% survival rate. I promised him he'd be fine. ''[Putting down the toy]'' Eight years old. I am not going to die slowly in a hospital bed under fluorescent lighting with people stopping by to gawk and lie about how I look. Even a small chance of that happening is too big a chance for me.
:'''House''': You're an idiot. And the odds say you're gonna die. We'll do it at my place.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wilson''': If things go wrong, I just want you to know... 
:'''House''': If you're going to say that you've always been secretly gay for me, everyone always just kind of assumed it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wilson''': It's pathetic. I'm pathetic. An oncologist with cancer. Of all the things that could be killing me...It's like the universe is giving me the big middle finger.
:'''House''': The universe doesn't care--
:'''Wilson''': Why me? I'm always telling my patients not to torture themselves, because there's no answer.
:'''House''': Sound advice.
:'''Wilson''': It's cruel advice. They were just trying to make sense of what was happening to them, and I'm there telling them not to bother? I should have spent my life being more like you. Should have been a manipulative, self-centered, narcissistic ass who brought misery to everything and everyone in his life.
:'''House''': You'd still have cancer.
:'''Wilson''': Yeah! But at least I'd feel like I deserved it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': Okay, your heart rate's up, BP's tanking. White blood count's at 500. We have to go to the hospital now.
:'''Wilson''': No.
:'''House''': I don't have the equipment or the meds to handle this.
:'''Wilson''': No. Win or lose. Win or lose. That was the deal.
:'''House''': That was the deal when there was an &quot;or&quot;. You can't win this.
:'''Wilson''': No. No. I'd rather die here. ''[crying]'' Not in an ambulance. Not in a hospital. Please, you can't do that to me. I can't — House… Please. Promise me that you won't do that to me. Promise me.
:'''House''': Okay, I promise.

=== ''[[W:Post Mortem (House)|Post Mortem]]'' [8.20] ===
:'''House''': People don't change. You are a person. Ergo...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Taub''': You want to lie to a guy who's favorite pastime is getting doctors fired?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chase''': We did everything House would've done if he'd been here.
:'''Foreman''': You lied to a patient.
:''[Chase gives an affirmative shrug]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wilson''': I want a threesome.
:'''House''': Shouldn't we try a twosome first?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': It's been fun
:'''Chase''': Fun?
:'''House''': Sounded pithier than, 'We've shared a variety of situations'.

=== ''[[W:Holding On (House)|Holding On]]'' [8.21] ===
:'''House''': ''[On the phone to Wilson's mother]'' Hi, this is Greg House. Again. Third message. Hopefully indicating how much I want you to call me back. I'd say that your son is dying to increase the urgency, but you probably already know that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': Life is pain! I wake up every morning, I'm in pain! I go to work, I'm in pain! You know how many times I just want to give up? How many times I thought of ending it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wilson''': He's not my child. I cannot be responsible for the happiness of Gregory House.
:'''Foreman''': You are responsible. The past 20 years, you've had three wives, hundreds of colleagues, thousands of patients. But you've kept that one best friend.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Foreman''': Chemo won't make your life any better, but caring will. Enduring pain to do some good for someone you care about - isn't that what life is?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': You're the only one I listen to. The last couple of days I didn't, and I almost killed my patient. I think it's time for you to accept that you're just smarter than I am.

=== ''[[W:Everybody Dies (House)|Everybody Dies]]'' [8.22] ===
:'''Kutner (hallucination)''': Don't bother. He's dead.
:'''House''': You're dead, too.
:'''Kutner''': The fire isn't.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Taub''': How are you possibly in a good mood?
:'''House''': Did you never see ''[[Dead Poets Society]]''? Carpe diem!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''House''': Is this Hell, an eternity of everyone I know trying to convince me to live?
:'''Cameron (hallucination)''': Who says I'm here to convince you to live?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wilson''': He was my friend. The thing you have to remember, the thing you can’t forget, is that Gregory House saved lives. He was a healer, and, and in the end... 
:House was an ass. He mocked anyone - patients, co-workers, his dwindling friends, anyone who didn’t measure up to his insane ideals of integrity. He claimed to be on some heroic quest for truth, but the truth is he was a bitter jerk who liked making people miserable, and he proved that by dying selfishly numbed by narcotics without a thought of anyone. A betrayal ''[phone rings]'' of everyone who cared about him. ''[Phone rings]'' Phone! A million times he needed me, and the one time that I needed him ''[phone rings]'' OH COME ON! This is a funeral! Just, get it! ''[Phone rings, phone rings]''. Heh, heh, heh, well, this is embarrassing. I'd sworn I'd turned this off … this isn't my phone.
:'''Text message''': SHUT UP YOU IDIOT

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The series' last lines]''
:'''Wilson''': When the cancer starts getting really bad —
:'''House''': Cancer's boring.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Gregory House|Dr. Gregory House]] - [[w:Hugh Laurie|Hugh Laurie]]
* [[w:James Wilson (House)|Dr. James Wilson]] - [[w:Robert Sean Leonard|Robert Sean Leonard]]

* [[w:Eric Foreman|Dr. Eric Foreman]] - [[w:Omar Epps|Omar Epps]]
* [[w:Robert Chase|Dr. Robert Chase]] - [[w:Jesse Spencer|Jesse Spencer]]

* [[w:Chris Taub|Dr. Chris Taub]] - [[w:Peter Jacobson|Peter Jacobson]]
* [[w:Thirteen (House)|Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley]] - [[w:Olivia Wilde|Olivia Wilde]]

* [[w:Jessica Adams|Dr. Jessica Adams]] - [[w:Odette Annable|Odette Annable]]
* [[w:Chi Park|Dr. Chi Park]] - [[w:Charlyne Yi|Charlyne Yi]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.house-boards.com/ House M.D. Boards]
* {{imdb title|0412142|House}}
* [http://www.epguides.com/House/ House, M.D. at epguides.com]
* [http://www.watchinghouse.com/  Watching House updated daily]
* [http://www.drhouseforum.de/  German Dr. House Board]
* [http://www.drhouse.de/  German Dr. House Page]
* [http://tvtdb.com/house Episode transcripts] at TVTDB.com

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      <text bytes="28184" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:Homeland (TV series)|Homeland]]''''' (2011–2020) is a drama/thriller series, that formerly aired on [[w:Showtime (TV channel)|Showtime]], about a [[w:Central Intelligence Agency|Central Intelligence Agency]] officer who has come to believe that a U.S. Marine, who was held captive by [[w:Al-Qaeda|Al-Qaeda]] as a prisoner of war, was turned by the enemy and now threatens the United States. The series was developed for American television by [[w:Howard Gordon|Howard Gordon]] and [[w:Alex Gansa|Alex Gansa]] and is based on the [[w:Israel|Israeli]] series ''[[w:Hatufim|Hatufim]]'' (English title: ''Prisoners of War'') created by Gideon Raff. 

== Season 1 ==
=== ''[[w:Pilot (Homeland)|Pilot]]'' [1.01] ===

:'''Saul''': What were his exact words, please?
:'''[[w:Carrie Mathison|Carrie]]''': An American prisoner of war has been turned.
:'''Saul''': He said this in English?
:'''Carrie''': Yes, he whispered it into my ear right before the guards pulled me away.
:'''Saul''': Why would he use the expression &quot;turned&quot;?
:'''Carrie''': He mentioned turned, working for Abu Nazir.
:'''Saul''': Why am I just hearing about this now?
:'''Carrie''': Because until ten minutes ago, I didn't know there ''were'' any POWs alive in Iraq or Afghanistan.
:'''Saul''': So you're suggesting that Abu Nazir planted intelligence on his own safehouse just so we could recover Sergeant Brody?
:'''Carrie''': I realize it sounds like a reach.
:'''Saul''': To say the least. Why not just drop him near a checkpoint and make it look like he escaped? Why would you sacrifice thirteen trained fighters?
:'''Carrie''': Because Abu Nazir is playing the long game. This way no one suspects a thing.
:'''Saul''': Except you.
:'''Carrie''': Yeah, except me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carrie''': I-I'm just making sure we don't get hit again.
:'''Saul''': Well, I'm glad someone's looking out for the country, Carrie.
:'''Carrie''': I'm serious. I-I missed something once before, I won't... I can't let that happen again.
:'''Saul''': It was ten years ago. Everyone missed something [[w:September 11 attacks|that day]].
:'''Carrie''': Yeah, everyone's not me.

=== ''[[w:Grace (Homeland)|Grace]]'' [1.02] ===

:'''Jessica''': You punched a reporter.
:'''[[w:Nicholas Brody|Brody]]''': Oh, he'll live.
:'''Jessica''': In front of Chris.
:'''Brody''': He'll live, too.

=== ''[[w:Clean Skin|Clean Skin]]'' [1.03] ===

:'''Saul''': Everyone lies in this business, I accept that. But we all draw lines somewhere, and the two sides of that line are us and them. And whatever we had you and I, whatever trust we built up over a decade of me protecting you and teaching you everything I know, you destroyed it when you lied to me and you treated me like them. Like every other schmuck in this building. So when you say you understand, is that what you mean? Is this interesting?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Nicholas Brody|Brody]]''': They want you to lose faith. Lose faith in your country, which they say is the devil. In your brother marines, who they say aren't coming for you because you have no military value. In your wife, who they say has got her arms wrapped around someone else.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''O'Donnell''': How do you resist that?
:'''Brody''': You can't. Except by believing that those people they want you to renounce, that they're keeping the faith in you and you owe it to them to do the same.
:'''O'Donnell''': ''Semper fidelis''.

=== ''[[w:Semper I|Semper I]]'' [1.04] ===

:'''Mathison''': [following suspect] Guy hasn't broken the speed limit once.
:'''Galvez''': Does that make him more, or less suspicious?
:'''Mathison''': It makes him boring as shit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mathison''': Why are you being nice to me?
:'''Estes''': Do I need a reason?
:'''Mathison''': Not unless you want me to believe a word you're saying.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Estes''': So tell me what's so important that it couldn't wait.
:'''Berenson''': Abu Nazir, David. Remember him? Two horns, long tail, a strong scent of sulfur? I think we found out how he's financing his attack.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
*'''Nicholas Brody''': There's nothing wrong with me.
:'''Jessica''': Is that right? You barely sleep, you turn your back on your friends, you scare your children. I mean, you won't even...
:'''Brody''': Say it.
:'''Jessica''': You can't even fuck your wife!

=== ''[[w:Blind Spot (Homeland)|Blind Spot]]'' [1.05] ===

:'''Saul''': It's been a very complicated day.
:'''Mira''': Your life is a very complicated day.

=== ''[[w:The Good Soldier (Homeland)|The Good Soldier]]'' [1.06] ===

:'''[[w:Carrie Mathison|Carrie]]''': ''[Carrie and Brody are drunk]'' Oh, Jesus, we drank too much.
:'''[[w:Nicholas Brody|Brody]]''': Yeah, we did.
:'''Carrie''': Oh, I hope I don't puke.
:'''Brody''': You're gonna puke?
:'''Carrie''': No.
:'''Brody''': You all right?
:'''Carrie''': I'm half Irish.
:'''Brody''': The Irish don't puke?
:'''Carrie''': Nah. Only when we have to salute the British. ''[Carrie snorts with laughter]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wakefield''': Here's my question. How come Walker died and you came back alive? What's that about?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mira''': I don't want you to come with me.
:'''Saul''':What?
:'''Mira''': I want to go alone. I need to go alone.
:'''Saul''': Why?
:'''Mira''': I just do.
:'''Saul''': For how long?
:'''Mira''': I don't know.
:'''Saul''': A week? A month? What?
:'''Mira''': I don't know.
:'''Saul''': The new job was just a ploy. Your way of letting me down gently.
:'''Mira''': Saul... we're like good friends, sharing a house. You do the dishes, I water the garden. You are watching football, I watch cooking shows. You play golf, I do yoga.
:'''Saul''': Sounds perfect.

=== ''[[w:The Weekend (Homeland)|The Weekend]]'' [1.07] ===

=== ''[[w:Achilles Heel (Homeland)|Achilles Heel]]'' [1.08] ===

=== ''[[w:Crossfire (Homeland)|Crossfire]]'' [1.09] ===

=== ''[[w:Representative Brody|Representative Brody]]'' [1.10] ===

:'''Saul''': Mr. Al-Zahrani, I'd like you to go back to your house now. Put that drawing in your window tonight. Tomorrow afternoon, I'd like you to proceed as you normally would to meet Tom Walker. Okay?
:'''Al-Zahrani''': So I'm bait?
:'''Saul''': You're bait. You're free to go now.
:'''Al-Zahrani''': What happens to me after all of this?
:'''Saul''': Go about your business. Live your life. We say nothing to Saudi Intelligence about your connections to Abu Nazir, you say nothing to Abu Nazir about our little get-together. You work for us now. Welcome to the CIA.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Galyean''': Al-Zahrani's got diplomatic immunity. That may not mean much to you people, but to us mere mortals in the State Department, that's a serious issue.
:'''Saul''': We're not dragging him to Tunisia. We're not waterboarding. We'll be very polite and gentle. I just want to ask him some questions during his lunch hour.
:'''Galyean''': CIA's not even supposed to be operating on American soil. It's against your own charter. This is the FBI's job.
:'''Saul''': Al-Zahrani's running a terrorist cell out of the Saudi embassy. He and Tom Walker are planning an attack on the United States. Fuck the charter.
:'''Estes''': He doesn't mean that.
:'''Saul''': Yes, I do.

=== ''[[w:The Vest|The Vest]]'' [1.11] ===

:'''[[w:Nicholas Brody|Brody]]''': ''[to Dana]'' I have this feeling things are going to get pretty wild soon. Your mom's going to need you. When I'm not around. Promise me you'll watch out for her.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Carrie Mathison|Carrie]]''': Somewhere down there, there's a tiny sliver of green just taking its time. This is how everything works. You wait. You lay low. And then you come to life.

=== ''[[w:Marine One (Homeland)|Marine One]]'' [1.12] ===

:'''[[w:Nicholas Brody|Brody]]''': ''[in a recorded message]'' My name is Nicholas Brody and I'm a Sergeant in the United States Marine Corps. I have a wife, and two kids, who I love. By the time you watch this, you'll have read a lot of things about me, about what I've done, and so I wanted to explain myself, so that you'll know the truth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Estes''': The world changed, Saul, right under your nose.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Carrie Mathison|Carrie]]''': &quot;[After Saul sends a team of agents to contain her]&quot; Virgil, am I crazy?
:'''Virgil''': Look, you know you are.

== Season 2 ==
=== ''The Smile'' [2.01] ===

:'''Saul''': Thanks for getting back.
:'''[[w:Carrie Mathison|Carrie]]''': I'm guessing this isn't a social call.
:'''Saul''': No.
:'''Carrie''': What's going on?
:'''Saul''': I can't talk. We're on an open line, but we need your help. I know, I hate myself for even asking.
:'''Carrie''': Well can't it wait until tomorrow?
:'''Saul''': I'm afraid not. David Estes is sitting outside your house right now. 
:'''Carrie''': Well tonight is Thursday. I cook dinner for the family on Thursdays. I'm making vegetable lasagna with vegetables I picked this morning from the garden. ''[sighs]'' Don't make me talk to him, Saul. I don't ever want to see him again. I've put all that away.
:'''Saul''': Please, Carrie.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''David''': I want you to know, Carrie, this is much appreciated.
:'''Carrie''': Let's just get it over with, okay?
:'''David''': ''[places folder on the table]'' There's a photo inside I'd like you to take a look at. Do you recognize her?
:'''Carrie''': Yeah, I recognize her. Why?
:'''David''': Who is she?
:'''Carrie''': Fatima Ali, first wife of Abbas Ali.
:'''David''': The Hezbollah district commander. How do you know her?
:'''Carrie''': I recruited her, that's how.
:'''David''': Yet there's no record of her being an asset of yours.
:'''Carrie''': I ran her off book.
:'''David''': Why?
:'''Carrie''': Because I was interested in keeping her alive.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maggie''': Carrie, please. This is crazy. 
:'''Carrie''': Believe me, I wouldn't be going if I had a choice.
:'''Maggie''': You do have a choice. You always have a choice.
:'''Carrie''': No, not this time.
:'''Maggie''': Carrie, you're just starting to get back on your feet. You're not ready for this.
:'''Carrie''': Don't you think I know that? 
:'''Maggie''': Regular sleep and meals, avoiding stress, a schedule. These are the things that have been working so well for you. At least call Doctor Rosenberg before you make a decision.
:'''Carrie''': I've already decided.
:'''Maggie''': I don't understand how you can trust these people for one minute after what they did to you.
:'''Carrie''': I trust Saul. He'll be there to hold my hand and it's only for a few days.
:'''Maggie''': You say this is about patriotism, but we both know that's not the whole story. Part of you wants to do this.

=== ''Beirut Is Back'' [2.02] ===

:'''[[w:Carrie Mathison|Carrie]]''': Why did you stop calling, Saul?
:'''Saul''': Doctor Rosenberg said I reminded you of work. I was having a deleterious affect on your prognosis. 
:'''Carrie''': ''[smiles]'' That sounds like him.
:'''Saul''': Ever think we'd be doing this again?
:'''Carrie''': I hoped. I know, I know. Don't get used to it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Saul''': ''[to Carrie]'' Hey, your source came through. I won't have you call this anything but a victory.

=== ''State of Independence'' [2.03] ===

:'''Jessica''': Was there really a union meeting in your district today?
:'''[[w:Nicholas Brody|Brody]]''': Yes.
:'''Jessica''': Where? What town? Don't answer that. I don't want to hear another lie.
:'''Brody''': I'm not lying.
:'''Jessica''': They just roll off your tongue, don't they? One after the other. I really thought we turned a corner this morning. You're hiding something. I can see it in your eyes. Now either you tell me what's going on --
:'''Brody''': There's nothing going on --
:'''Jessica''': Or I suggest you start looking for a hotel room! And while you're at it, you give this marriage some serious thought, because I don't think I can do this anymore.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Carrie Mathison|Carrie]]''': You're not in Beirut?
:'''Saul''': Came straight here from the airport. I hear you were turned away from the debrief at Langley today.
:'''Carrie''': I was the one who recovered that intel. He wouldn't even let me present it!
:'''Saul''': Well, I can only imagine how shitty that must have felt. Still feels.
:'''Carrie''': Before the Beirut trip, I really thought I'd ''finally'' found a way to cope with being out of the company.
:'''Saul''': Before you dig that hole any deeper, I have to show you something. Is this your computer?
:'''Carrie''': Yeah.
:'''Saul''': ''[removes a flash drive from his breast pocket]'' Here. I'll only fuck it up. That's the one piece of intel recovered in Beirut that Estes and his men haven't seen yet. I came straight from the airport because I think you deserve to see it first.
:''[Carrie inserts the flash drive and presses play]''
:'''Brody''': ''[pre-recorded video]'' This is Nicholas Brody and I'm a Sergeant in the United States Marine Corps. People will say I was broken, I was brainwashed. People will say I was turned into a terrorist. 
:'''Carrie''': Oh my God.
:'''Brody''': Taught to hate my country. My actions this day is against such domestic enemies. The vice-president and members of his national security team, who I know to be liars and war criminals --
:'''Carrie''': ''[quietly]'' I was right.
:'''Brody''': -- who are responsible for atrocities they must be held accountable for. 
:'''Saul''': ''[whispers]'' You were right.
:'''Brody''': This is about justice for eighty-two children whose deaths were never acknowledged and whose murder is a stain on the soul of this nation.
:'''Carrie''': ''[crying]'' I was right.

=== ''New Car Smell'' [2.04] ===

:'''Virgil''': Well, well, well. Carrie Mathison was right about the red-headed menace.
:'''[[w:Carrie Mathison|Carrie]]''': It only took a year for people to believe me.
:'''Max''': I believed you. Right from the start.
:'''Carrie''': Thank you, Max.
:'''Max''': Of course - no one ever asked me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Virgil''': Brody spoke to four people on Capitol Hill, and 12 more at the Virginia Businessmen's Reception.
:'''Max''': Plus a guy at a newsstand on K Street.
:'''Carrie''': They all go up.
:'''Carrie''': How come I've never heard of this guy?
:'''Virgil''': Who, Quinn?
:'''Carrie''': He was on the floor like me, six years? I never met him.
:'''Virgil''': That's because you were in the Middle East!
:'''Carrie''': I don't know. Look into him, would you?
:'''Virgil''': Oh, sure, I'm not busy.
:'''Carrie''': Virgil, just check him out. - Please.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Max''': Sweet hardware!
:'''Virgil''': Yup. CIA has the best shit.
:'''Quinn''': So, who are these guys?
:'''Carrie''': Uhm, the same guys who've already watched Brody for 300 hours. Who are you?
:'''Quinn''': The guy [who's] running things.
:'''Carrie''': ''[surprised]'' Is that right?
:'''Saul''': ''[resignedly]'' Yes. It is.
:'''Quinn''': And I don't like surprises.
:'''Carrie''': Err, I'm not crazy 'bout them, either.
:'''Quinn''': ''[mockingly]'' Crazy? Interesting word. --- [shaking hands with Carrie] Peter Quinn.
:'''Carrie''': Uh, Carrie.
:'''Quinn''': Mathison.
:'''Carrie''': Yes. I know.
:'''Quinn''': I like your work.
:'''Carrie''': ''[warily]'' Uh, Peter Quinn from where?
:'''Quinn''': Same place as you.
:'''Carrie''': Officer?
:'''Quinn''': Analyst.
:'''Saul''': Estes brought him in.
:'''Carrie''': Ah.
:'''Quinn''': So. Let's talk shop.
:'''Carrie''': ''[unwilling to take the information for granted]'' What... How many years?
:'''Quinn''': Six at Langley, four on the Venezuela desk.
:'''Carrie''': The cartels?
:'''Quinn''': Like that. --- Are we done with the meet and greet?
:'''Saul''': Yes. Moving on?
:'''Quinn''': So, we run a small team on Brody twenty four-seven. My team already hooked into the security cameras in the Rayburn building, tapping his home phone and cell. Anywhere else he goes, we have a man on him.
:'''Virgil''': And what team is that?
:'''Quinn''': You'll never see them.
:'''Carrie''': Saul and I already have a plan.
:'''Quinn''': ''[patronizing]'' Hold that thought --- Brody has a meeting this morning at the CIA, and we want to throw him a jolt. So we figured go for his Achilles heel. --- Which is you.
:'''Carrie''': So I'm in the building. I... I run into him?
:'''Quinn''': Let it drop you're back at the CIA. That should trigger his fear that your theory about him is now back in play. And that should send him to his handlers, where you guys...  will be there with cameras.
:'''Max''': Roger that.
:'''Carrie''': Yeah, OK.
:'''Quinn''': So, you want to tell us your plan now?
:'''Carrie''': Uh, actually, it was the same.
:'''Quinn''': The same plan?
:'''Carrie''': Same plan. So...
:'''Quinn''': ''[ironically]'' So... I'm only half a moron.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Quinn''': You were fucking him, huh?
:'''Carrie''': What?
:'''Quinn''': Brody.
:'''Carrie''': Who are ''you'' fucking?
:'''Quinn''': An ER nurse. I'm not that into her.
:'''Carrie''': You're pretty mouthy for an analyst.
:'''Quinn''': I'm just saying, if he did to me what he did to you, got me fired and made me think I was crazy when I wasn't, sent me off to get my brain zapped, I'd fucking rip his skin off.
:'''Carrie''': Well... that's the plan.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carrie''': It reeks, you know. 
:'''[[w:Nicholas Brody|Brody]]''': My confusion?
:'''Carrie''': Your bullshit. We only have a few more minutes alone.
:'''Brody''': You still have your twisted theories about me, don't you?
:'''Carrie''': Not theories anymore.
:'''Brody''': Look, I'm sorry I called. I guess I thought we could be friends.
:'''Carrie''': Friends?! Oh, yeah. Do I want to be friends with a demented ex-soldier that hates America? Who decided strapping on a bomb was the answer to what ailed him? Despite his daughter, his son, people who loved him in real life, not in the mind-fuck world of Abu Nazir, who in the end, didn't have the stones to go through with it, but had ''no problem'' sending me to the nuthouse. Yeah. No, thanks. I don't think I need a friend like that.
:'''Brody''': Okay. Not friends. 
:'''Carrie''': So what are you going to do now? Are you going to kill me? You going to blame it on rough sex maybe? I mean, how long can  you get away with something like that?
:'''Brody''': I've had a pretty good run so far.
:'''Carrie''': That's true.
:'''Brody''': I seem to be good at this, if nothing else.
:'''Carrie''': You're special.
:'''Brody''': I liked you, Carrie.
:'''Carrie''': I ''loved'' you.
:''[Team breaks in and wrestles Brody to the floor, cuffing him]''
:'''Carrie''': If only the circumstances had been ''wildly'' different. You're a disgrace to your nation, Sergeant Nicholas Brody. You're a traitor and a terrorist, and now it's time you pay for that.

=== ''Q&amp;A'' [2.05] ===

:'''[[w:Carrie Mathison|Carrie]]''': ''[to Brody]'' You broke my heart, you know. Was that easy for you? Was that fun? Because of you, I questioned my own sanity, I had myself admitted to a mental institution. I lost my job, too. I lost my place in the world. I lost everything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carrie''': ''[to Brody]'' It was hearing Dana’s voice that changed your mind, wasn’t it? She asked you to come home and you did. Why? Maybe because… Maybe because you suddenly understood that killing yourself and ruining Dana’s life wouldn’t bring Isa back. Maybe because you knew then how much you loved your own child.  Maybe because you were just sick of death. That’s the Brody I’m talking to. That’s the Brody that knows the difference between warfare and terrorism. That’s the Brody I met up in that cabin. That’s the Brody I fell in love with.

=== ''A Gettysburg Address'' [2.06] ===

=== ''[[w:The Clearing (Homeland)|The Clearing]]'' [2.07] ===
:'''Reynolds''': [leading Saul to Aileen's cell] This one's a piece of work. A spitter, a hitter, and a shitter.
:'''Saul''': That doesn't sound like her.
:'''Reynolds''': Then you don't know her too well.
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Saul''': Aileen?. It's Saul Berenson. We drove from Mexico to D.C. together. I said I might be back if I needed help.
:'''Aileen''': Can we talk about this upstairs?
:'''Saul''': What's wrong with here?
:'''Aileen''': E-Everything.
:'''Saul''': It's very urgent.
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Carrie''': Hi, Brody.
:''' Brody''': How does my wife know about Tom Walker?
:'''Carrie''': I... I don't know.
:'''Brody''': I'll tell you how. Mike Faber. How the fuck does he know? You tell me.
:'''Carrie''': Okay, Brody, calm down.
:'''Brody''': You came to me, accusing me of lying about Gettysburg. Maybe it's you who's the one that's lying, hmm? Puttin' some bullshit on me.
:'''Carrie''': I'm not.
:'''Brody''': Why should I believe you?
:''' Mathison''': I'll take care of Faber.
:'''Brody''': How? How? Have you really got this under control? Because it doesn't seem like it. And what the fuck happened in that shop? How did you lose those six agents?
:'''Carrie''': We're investigating that.
:'''Brody''': Great. So you're hedging, Roya's hedging. This thing is on, I'm at the center of it, and I'm in the fucking dark!

=== ''I'll Fly Away'' [2.08] ===
:'''Brody''': Will you visit me in prison?
:'''Carrie''': I'll probably be in the cell next to you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brody''': I'm more alone than I was in the bottom of that hole in Iraq.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brody''': If that's the last thing I see before they lock me up, it could be worse.

=== ''Two Hats'' [2.09] ===

:'''Saul''': ''[discussing Virgil's findings about Quinn's ascetic lifestyle]'' He's a CIA analyst. His personal life is a little wanting.

=== ''Broken Hearts'' [2.10] ===
:'''Carrie''': You're never gonna leave this country alive.
:'''Nazir''': I know, and I don't care.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Walden is having a heart attack]''
:'''Walden''': ''[gasping]'' Call... an ambulance!
:'''Brody''': No.
:''[Walden clutches at the phone, but Brody moves it away]''
:'''Walden''': What are you doing?
:'''Brody''': You still don't get it, do you? ''[fierce whisper]'' I'm killing you.

=== ''In Memoriam'' [2.11] ===

=== ''The Choice'' [2.12] ===
:'''Quinn''': So there's no threat to the nation. He'll never rise politically.
:'''Estes''': Are you suddenly an analyst, Quinn?
:'''Quinn''': No. I'm a guy who kills bad guys.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Quinn''': The only reason to kill Brody now is for you. Cover your ass. And the collateral damage will be you wreck a woman you've already wrecked once before. And I ain't doing that.
:'''Estes''': Fine. If you're not up to the task...
:'''Quinn''': Nothing happens to Brody.
:'''Estes''': Or?
:'''Quinn''': Or you'll find me back in this bedroom one night. Right back in that chair. '''Because I'm a guy who kills bad guys.'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Saul''': ''[On Brody]'' He's a man who put on a suicide vest, Carrie. That's who he is, that's who he always will be.
:'''[[w:Carrie Mathison|Carrie]]''': I know everything he is, but it's...it's complicated. 
:'''Saul''': No, it's crystal clear. You cannot be with him. 
:'''Carrie''': ''[Angrily]'' Who are you to say that to me? 
:'''Saul''': You can do whatever you want. An intelligence officer can't. 
:'''Carrie''': Don't you think I know that?
:'''Saul''': So you're choosing him over us? 
:'''Carrie''': ''[Nervously thinks for a moment]'' I don't know. 
:'''Saul''': You're throwing your life away. 
:'''Carrie''': Or maybe I'm just not giving it away to this place. Maybe...Maybe I want other things. 
:'''Saul''': Like a terrorist in your bed. 
:'''Carrie''': ''[Angrily]'' Maybe I don't want to be alone my whole fucking life!
:'''Saul''': Like me?
:'''Carrie''': Like you! Because it doesn't look that great, Saul! How does it feel?! 
:'''Saul''': You don't know a goddamn thing. '''You're the smartest and the dumbest fucking person I've ever known.''' 
:''[Saul walks away]''

== Season 3 ==
=== ''[[w:Tin Man Is Down|Tin Man Is Down]]'' [3.01] ===

:'''Carrie''': If you're asking 'did he outsmart me?' Yes he did.

=== ''[[w:Tower of David (Homeland)|Tower of David]]'' [3.03] ===

:'''Dr. Richardson''': Everywhere you go, other people die, but you always manage to survive. Have you noticed that? You're like a cockroach, still there after the last nuclear bombs go off. You belong here.

=== ''[[w:Game On (Homeland)|Game On]]'' [3.04] ===

:'''Carrie''': I'm not going to jail.
:'''Leland Bennett''': It seems to me you're already there.

=== ''[[w:The Yoga Play|The Yoga Play]]'' [3.05] ===

:'''Peter''': She's on her own, Saul.
:'''Saul''': She's always been on her own.

=== ''[[w:Still Positive|Still Positive]]'' [3.06] ===

:'''Javadi''':Saul should have instructed you to treat me with more respect than that.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Quinn''': This is just the fucking beginning.

=== ''[[w:Gerontion (Homeland)|Gerontion]]'' [3.07] ===

=== ''[[w:A Red Wheelbarrow|A Red Wheelbarrow]]'' [3.08] ===

=== ''[[w:One Last Thing|One Last Thing]]'' [3.09] ===

=== ''[[w:Good Night (Homeland)|Good Night]]'' [3.10] ===

=== ''[[w:Big Man in Tehran|Big Man in Tehran]]'' [3.11] ===

=== ''[[w:The Star (Homeland)|The Star]]'' [3.12] ===

:'''[[w:Carrie Mathison|Carrie]]''': Don't you dare do anything to harm him.
:'''Majid Javadi''': You misunderstand me.
:'''Carrie''': Do I?
:'''Majid Javadi''': You have - from the very beginning. I think you of all people will understand that no-one is just one thing.
:'''Carrie''': Where's Brody?
:'''Majid Javadi''': In Evin prison
:'''Carrie''': I need to see him.
:'''Majid Javadi''': You can't. No-one can. He appeared this morning before a military tribunal where he was sentenced to death by hanging.
:'''Carrie''': What?
:'''Majid Javadi''': I'm afraid so - declared an enemy of the state.
:'''Carrie''': Well you're insane if you think that's going to happen. You have to stop it. 
:'''Majid Javadi''': It's out of my hands Carrie, the public execution is scheduled for tonight. 
:'''Carrie''': Tonight!
:'''Majid Javadi''': Tomorrow to be precise - at 4am just before the call for morning prayer.
:'''Carrie''': Well you find a fucking way!
:'''Majid Javadi''': Or what? What will you do Carrie? Burn it all down? Everything you worked for? And I don't mean what the CIA has worked for, I mean YOU. The plan is a success. You and Brody pulled it off.
:'''Carrie''': Not if he dies.
:'''Majid Javadi''': More so if he dies. I ask myself over and over from the moment I knew what you've gone through. The hardships, self-abnegation to lure me in. Why? Why would anyone do that to themselves? Why would you? But I think I know now. It was always about him. That's what you care about. Maybe the only thing. Who Brody is... that's for Allah to know. But what he did - there can't be no debate. It was astonishing and undeniable, and what you wanted which was for everyone to see in him what you see. That has happened. Everyone see's him through your eyes now. Saul, Lockhart, The President of the United States, even me!
:'''Carrie''': Take me to him.
:'''Majid Javadi''': I can't.
:'''Carrie''': Please
:'''Majid Javadi''': He's at peace in his cell. A kind of peace. Let that be.

== Cast ==
* [[Claire Danes]] - [[w:Carrie Mathison|Carrie Mathison]]
* [[w:Damian Lewis|Damian Lewis]] - [[w:Nicholas Brody|Nicholas Brody]]
* [[Mandy Patinkin]] - Saul Berenson
* [[w:Morena Baccarin|Morena Baccarin]] - Jessica Brody
* [[w:David Harewood|David Harewood]] - David Estes
* [[w:Rupert Friend|Rupert Friend]] - Peter Quinn
* [[w:Morgan Saylor|Morgan Saylor]] - Dana Brody
* [[w:Diego Klattenhoff|Diego Klattenhoff]] - Mike Faber
* [[w:Jamey Sheridan|Jamey Sheridan]] - William Walden
* [[w:James Rebhorn|James Rebhorn]] - Frank Mathison, Carrie's father
* [[w:David Marciano|David Marciano]] - Virgil 
* [[w:Navid Negahban|Navid Negahban]] - Abu Nazir
* [[w:Zuleikha Robinson|Zuleikha Robinson]] - Roya Hammad 
* [[w:Jackson Pace|Jackson Pace]] - Chris Brody

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|1796960|Homeland}}

[[Category:2010s American crime drama TV shows]]
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    <title>The Cleveland Show/Season 4</title>
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      <text bytes="16380" xml:space="preserve">----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[The Cleveland Show/Season 1|1]] [[The Cleveland Show/Season 2|2]] [[The Cleveland Show/Season 3|3]] [[The Cleveland Show/Season 4|4]] | [[The Cleveland Show|Main]]
----
'''''[[w:The Cleveland Show|The Cleveland Show]]''''' was an American animated sitcom created by Seth MacFarlane, Richard Appel, and Mike Henry for the Fox Broadcasting Company as a spin-off of Family Guy. The series centers on the Browns and Tubbs, two dysfunctional families consisting of parents Cleveland Brown and Donna Tubbs and their children Cleveland Brown, Jr., Roberta Tubbs, and Rallo Tubbs. Similar to ''Family Guy'', it exhibits much of its humor in the form of cutaway gags that often lampoon American culture.

===''[[w:Escape From Goochland|Escape From Goochland]]''===
:''[Roberta is texting]''
:'''Cleveland Jr.''': Thanks for making it so we can't have costumes, Roberta. You ruined Halloween!
:'''Roberta''': It's my mom and Cleveland's fault. They're the ones who said we can't buy costumes this year.
:''[Rallo comes by on a tricycle, dressed as a dummy]''
:'''Rallo''': Except for me, 'cause I'm so cuuute! ''[stabs a tomato with a knife]'' Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!
:''[he leaves]''
:'''Roberta''': Awww. ''[to Cleveland Jr.]'' Look, I'm still going out this Halloween, and since I can't go with someone sexy, I'm gonna dress up as the least sexy thing possible. ''[changes her hair into Donna's]'' This is how I'm getting back at my mom.
:'''Cleveland Jr.''': You're gonna have sex with my dad!
:'''Roberta''': No! I'm going as my mom. And you should go as Cleveland. Then we could go out, egg houses, T.P. trees...
:''[a knife stab is heard and Rallo screams]''
:'''Rallo''': I cut myself pretty bad!
:'''Cleveland Jr.''': And people will think Dad did it.
:'''Roberta''': Come on, Junior. Let's get you in Cleveland's clothes. ''[walks to the closet]''
:'''Cleveland Jr.''': Okay, but don't look at my breasts. They're not finished.
:'''Rallo''': ''[off-screen]'' Oh, no, no, no. Y'all keep planning your pranks. I'll just sit over here and bleed out.

===''[[w:Menace II Secret Society|Menace II Secret Society]]''===
:'''Rallo''': Look what [[w:Nicki Minaj|Nicki Minaj]] gave me! ''[he comes in with long pink hair]'' She also gave me this! ''[shows off his huge posterior he got from Nicki]''

===''[[w:A General Thanksgiving Episode|A General Thanksgiving Episode]]''===

:'''Announcer''': And now back to ''Mystery Science Magic Johnson Theater 3000''.
:'''Black Guy 1''': Daaaaamn! The flying saucer just crashed and ''[[bleep]]'', son!
:'''Black Guy 2''': Awm snap, that alien is all leavin' the spaceship, yo!
:'''Black Guy 1''': Oh-ho-ho! Now he's shootin' at the alien kid! He's shootin' at him!
:'''Rallo''': Y'all shut up! I'm trying to watch a movie!
:'''Cleveland''': ''[[measuring the ruler, singing]]'' Hark the herald turkeys sing, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble...

&lt;hr width=60%&gt;
:'''Cleveland''': ''[[gets poked by a dart by Rallo]]'' Aah! What the hell, Rallo?!
:'''Rallo''': How come you felt that one and not the first four?
:'''Cleveland''': What? ''[sees darts behind]'' One, two, three, four... Whoa-whoa-whoa, okay, we're leaving that in there.

===''[[w:Turkey Pot Die|Turkey Pot Die]]''===
:''[Cleveland Jr. gobbles like a turkey]''
:'''Cleveland''': ''[sobbing]'' Sometimes, I see so much of your mother in you.
:''[Junior puts a piece of bread in his mouth and one turkey snaps at it]''
:'''Cleveland Jr.''': ''[chuckles]'' I choose this one, Daddy. He put his pecker in my mouth.
:'''Cleveland''': Okay, okay. Shoot it.
:''[hands Junior a shotgun]''
:'''Cleveland Jr.''': What? I'm not shooting this turkey. Killing innocent animals is wrong.
:'''Cleveland''': No animals are innocent. They are guilty of something. Besides, you eat turkey all the time.
:'''Cleveland Jr.''': That's turkey the food. This is turkey the animal. [[Benjamin Franklin]] thought turkeys were so noble, he suggested they be America's national bird.
:'''Cleveland''': [[Benjamin Franklin]] was an atheist pedophile who flew kites to meet children. That's why God struck him with lightning.
:'''Cleveland Jr.''': I won't do it. Noooooooo!!!!!!

===''[[w:A Vas Deferens Between Men &amp; Women|A Vas Deferens Between Men &amp; Women]]''===
:'''Cleveland''': Guys, Donna and I are making a baby.
:'''Holt''': No you're not.
:'''Cleveland''': What?
:'''Holt''': You got a vasectomy.
:'''Cleveland''': No I didn't!
:'''Lester''': Yeah you did, six months ago. We all got drunk and played Truth or Dare – Holt got a tramp stamp, you got a vasectomy, and Tim tried meth.
:'''Tim''': One time, one time. ''[all teeth fall onto table]'' Okay, two.
:'''Cleveland''': A vasectomy?! So that's why my boys hurt for three weeks. I thought a spider had laid eggs in there.

&lt;hr width=60%&gt;
:'''Donna''': Cleveland, I wanna have another baby.
:'''Cleveland''': ''[jumps novelty pen]'' Uh—wha!?
:'''Donna''': I wanna have another baby!
:'''Cleveland''': Donna, we just got rid of a baby. Let's enjoy our twilight years in peace. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to write a letter, longhand, in the bathroom. ''[shuts door]'' Peen, pen. Pen, peen.
:'''Donna''': ''[lays back against the pillow]'' Donna wants a baby, Donna's gonna get a baby.

&lt;hr width=60%&gt;
:'''Cleveland''': The mobile is awesome. I will hang it in my car. We are not having a baby.

===''[[w:'Tis the Cleveland to Be Sorry|'Tis the Cleveland to Be Sorry]]''===
:'''Harris Grundle''': Hey, Arch, you wanna be Santa?
:'''Arch''': No.
:'''Harris Grundle''': Will you do it anyway?
:'''Arch''': Yes.
:'''Harris Grundle''': Sorry, Kendra. The role's been filled.
:'''Kendra''': ''[takes her hat off]'' I've never been so embarrassed.
:'''Arch''': I doubt that.

===''[[w:Hustle 'N' Bros|Hustle 'N' Bros]]''===
:''[Cleveland lies down on the couch. he gets up and opens the door to see Freight Train and Robert'']''
:'''Freight Train''': Hey, Tubby. We're back from Vegas.
:'''Cleveland''': So did you have fun with cool Robert?
:'''Robert''': Hell yeah. Did you know there is a hepatitis J? ''[laughs]'' Vegas is crazy.
:'''Cleveland''': Ho-ho, I know. I went to the M&amp;M store once.
:'''Freight Train''': Yeah, we got real crazy. So crazy that we decided to make him and me official.
:'''Cleveland''': You got murried?
:'''Freight Train''': What?! Hell, no. That would be ridiculous. I adopted him. He's my son, now.
:'''Cleveland''': What?
:'''Freight Train''': I've always wanted a son I could point to and say, &quot;See that man over there? In a track suit? That's my son. My boy. My spawn. Nobody wears a track suit like my son.&quot;
:'''Cleveland''': You've never seen me in my romper. I'll go get it. ''[leaves]''
:'''Freight Train''': ''[sighs; to Robert]'' Come on, cool son. Let's go wrestle up a few hustles.
:'''Cleveland''': ''[in his romper]'' Uh, Donna, get my back slip.
:'''Donna''': They're gone, Cleveland.
:'''Cleveland''': ''[trudging away and mumbling]'' My bottom's chilly.

===''[[w:Wide World of Cleveland Show|Wide World of Cleveland Show]]''===
:''[Cleveland is in front of eight different country flags]''
:'''Cleveland''': Cleveland Brown here. There are 15,000 countries in the world and ''The Cleveland Show'' is adapted to air in every single one of them. See if you can spot the subtle cultral differences.

===''[[w:Here Comes the Bribe|Here Comes the Bribe]]''===
:'''Donna''': Cleveland, we're doing it. For Valentine's Day, I want us to have a vow renewing ceremonny.
:'''Cleveland''': Oh, God!
:'''Donna''': I divided our tasks. I split up what we need to get done before hand.
:'''Cleveland''': What?! Build a gazebo? Rent a tazedo? And where, pray tell, do you think I'm going to find 14 peacocks?
:'''Donna''': ''[begging]'' Please? After the ceremony, I'll let you do that thing I promised you could do on our wedding night that I lied about and didn't let you do that I'm probably still lying about it now.
:'''Cleveland''': I'm in!

===''[[w:When a Man (or a Freight Train) Loves His Cookie|When a Man (or a Freight Train) Loves His Cookie]]''===
:'''Cleveland''': You do know that &quot;She's dead to me&quot; is just an expression.

===''[[w:Brownsized|Brownsized]]''===

===''[[w:Pins, Spins and Fins! (Shark Story Cut for Time)|Pins, Spins and Fins! (Shark Story Cut for Time)]]''===
:'''Rallo''': ''[after making a strike]'' He's unstoppable! ''[signals to Donna]'' The crowd wondering how he could even be related to that old, leathery bowling bag. Ha! Strike, turkey.
:''[Donna get three pins]''
:'''Donna''': Oh, fudge me!
:'''Rallo''': Ha, already got you bustin' out the kid-friendly swear words. You know that? You got more exes in real life than you do in bowling. Ha! Strike, turkey.

&lt;hr width=60%&gt;
:'''Robert''': Hey, Fifi! When you're done with that wee-wee, come help Pee-Wee with the free Wee-Fee!

===''[[w:A Rodent Like This|A Rodent Like This]]''===

===''[[w:The Hangover: Part Tubbs|The Hangover: Part Tubbs]]''===

===''[[w:California Dreamin' (All the Cleves are Brown)|California Dreamin' (All the Cleves are Brown)]]''===
:'''Donna''': It's the dream you gave up for me.
:'''Cleveland''': I'm going back to the ''[[Family Guy]]'' again!?

===''[[w:Who Done Did It?|Who Done Did It?]]''===

===''[[w:Fist and the Furious|Fist and the Furious]]''===

===''[[w:Squirt's Honor|Squirt's Honor]]''===
:''[Donna has just threatened to make Rallo take baths without dinosaur toys]''
:'''Rallo''': Ah! You're a monster!
:'''Donna''': A monster on vacation.

===''[[w:Grave Danger (The Cleveland Show)|Grave Danger]]''===
:''[after seeing the view from the burial plots Holt bought for the gang and their families]''
:'''Cleveland''': Wow, I could stay here forever!
:'''Holt''': Yeah, that's kind of the idea.

===''[[w:Of Lice and Men|Of Lice and Men]]''===
:'''Donna''': Rallo! Wake up! I have to tell you something, it's not easy for me to say and it's not gonna be easy for you to hear.
:'''Rallo''': Roberta's really my mom?
:'''Donna''': Don't ever say that again!

===''[[w:Mr. &amp; Mrs. Brown|Mr. &amp; Mrs. Brown]]''===
:'''Rallo''': Mom?
:'''Donna''': Yes, sweetheart?
:'''Rallo''': ''[clears his throat]'' Off-color terms for a woman's privates include: ''[bleep, bleep]''. And most offensively, ''[bleep]''. ''[smiles]''
:''[Furious and offended, Donna kicks Rallo's door open, throws him in his room, and closes the door, leaving him alone with Junior, who is sleeping, moping around and still grounded]''
:'''Rallo''': Hey, man. I couldn't let you serve out this sentence alone. So, is that top bunk taken? ''[pokes Junior]'' Junior?
:'''Cleveland Jr.''': ''[reveals his bald head and a tear in his eye]'' You sleep on the floor, 'cause you're my BITCH.
:'''Rallo''': Please don't knock my teeth out!
:'''Cleveland Jr.''': ''[about to punch him]'' You're 5, you'll grow more.
:'''Rallo''': ''[backs away until he bumps into the door then shouts]'' Mama!
:'''Donna''': ''[annoyed, off-screen]'' What?!
:'''Rallo''': It was me! I stole the candy bar! Junior had nothing to do with it, I swear! Please let him go!
:'''Donna''': ''[off-screen]'' Roberta?
:'''Roberta''': ''[off-screen]'' Fine by me.
:'''Cleveland Jr.''': ''[takes off the rubber bald head and wipes off the tear, revealing to be a charade]'' Thanks, Rallo. But do let me know when your teeth fall out. ''[skips happily and giggles]''

&lt;hr width=60%&gt;
:'''Cleveland''': Wow, Donna was dead-on. Oh, my god, Donna! Oh, what have I done?!

&lt;hr width=60%&gt;
:'''Donna''': ''[sees a candy bar laying on the ground and picks it up]'' Where did this come from?
:'''Cleveland Jr.''': ''[claps hands]'' I hope a tree.
:'''Donna''': Rallo, did you steal this?
:'''Rallo''': What? Oh, 'cause I'm black?
:'''Donna''': Well, one of you boys stole it, and until someone comes cleaned, you're both grounded.
:'''Rallo''': Aw, for what?
:'''Cleveland Jr.''': On who's authority?
:'''Donna''': And Roberta, you were supposed to be watching them. You're grounded, too.
:'''Roberta''': Nuh-uh! How are you gonna cage a hurricane?
:'''Donna''': You know what? Because of that, ''[loudly]'' everybody's grounded!
:'''Everyone''': Aw...
:'''15-year-old Hispanic girl''': But it's my quinceanera.
:'''Donna''': You in America now.

&lt;hr width=60%&gt;
:'''Roberta''': ''[to Rallo &amp; Junior]'' All right, you booger eaters. My punishment is being in charge of your punishment. And I won't tolerate any humpin', bumpin', crumpin' or dumpin'.
:'''Cleveland Jr.''': What?!
:'''Roberta''': ''[leaves, slams door]''
:'''Junior''': ''[throws down the clean stuff]'' Thanks a lot, Rallo! I've never been grounded before!
:'''Rallo''': Look, relax. You're squeaky clean. As long as we apologize, Mom will unground us, time served, and you can go on about your creepy business.
:'''Cleveland Jr.''': I'm not apologizing for something I didn't do. YOU stole that candy!
:'''Rallo''': Fine, then I guess we're stuck here 'til you change your mind. ''[sits on the toilet seat and reads a book]'' ''[sees Junior staring at him]'' Look away. No, don't. Get used to this.

&lt;hr width=60%&gt;
:'''Rallo''': ''[grunting]'' I'm gettin' strong in lock-up. What you readin'?
:'''Cleveland Jr.''': We didn't have the Koran, so I'm reading my leather-bound Judy Blume collection. ''[giggles]'' That girl's called &quot;Blubber&quot;. What a fat-ass.
:'''Roberta''': ''[to Rallo and Cleveland Jr. from downstairs; off-screen]'' Prisoner 1 and Prisoner 19, report downstairs.
:'''Rallo''': ''[to Cleveland Jr.]'' Okay, just say you're sorry and we'll be fine.
:'''Cleveland Jr.''': I'm not saying sorry. I didn't do jack!
:'''Rallo''': Fine, then every man for himself.
:'''Roberta''': ''[to Rallo]'' Now, what happened?
:'''Rallo''': First off, I'd like to say the punishment was fair. I was even able to earn my TV/VCR repair certificate in here. Second, we may never know exactly what happened that unfortunate afternoon in the park, but I take full responsibility for my part, whatever it may or may not have been.
:'''Roberta''': That took guts, Rallo. Junior?
:'''Cleveland Jr.''': I did NOT steal that candy bar. That's it.
:'''Roberta''': ''[to Junior]'' Do you think I'm running a clown shop, Junior? Candy chocolate bar? Your sweet teeth? I know you did it!
:'''Cleveland Jr.''': NO!
:'''Roberta''': Rallo, you showed remorse. You are free to go. Junior, you fat liar! You are grounded indefinitely!
:'''Cleveland Jr.''': Oh, WHAT?!
:'''Rallo''': Hosanna!
:'''Roberta''': Gavel, schmavel. Living room adjourned. ''[Cleveland Jr. whimpers, then rushes to his room, to Donna]'' Mama, I'll let Rallo go. Is that okay?
:'''Donna''': Oh, you guys still doing that? Whatever. I'm going to Shakespeare in the Park if Cleveland ever gets here.

===''[[w:Crazy Train (The Cleveland Show)|Crazy Train]]''===
:''[after Junior rescues a little girl's cat from a tree]''
:'''Girl''': Thank you, magical giraffe!

&lt;hr width=60%&gt;
:'''Rallo''': ''[the white dog pees on him when Cleveland Jr. hid him in trees and branches]'' Oh, come on, dog. Why you gotta do me like that?

&lt;hr width=60%&gt;
:'''Cleveland''': You're like a stripper, Donna. You just won't accept change.

&lt;hr width=60%&gt;
:''[Donna denies the boys have the construction cherry picker]''
:'''Donna''': You think I'd notice a stolen truck around here. I'm the head of this household and I pay attention to...
:''[Roberta wheels a keg past Donna in a bikini]''
:'''Roberta''': Bye, Mom. Off to the library.
:'''Donna''': Study hard!

&lt;hr width=60%&gt;
:'''Cleveland''': I brought plenty of peanut butter for protection.
:'''Freight Train''': Peanut butter?! Do I look like [[w:George Washington Carver|George Washington Carver]]?!
:'''Cleveland''': I don't know.
:''[Pulls out a book with Carver's picture and compares the two faces]''
:'''Cleveland''': Kind of.
:'''Freight Train''': Hmm. I should remember that next Halloween.

===''[[w:Wheel! Of! Family!|Wheel! Of! Family!]]''===
:''[after Junior wins over Freight Train in the pole dancing competition]''
:'''Freight Train''': You're the only pole dancer I know with a soul...and a wiener.

==External links==
{{wikipedia|The Cleveland Show (season 4)}}
* {{imdb title|id=1195935|title=The Cleveland Show}}
* [http://www.fox.com/programming/shows/?sh=the-cleveland-show TheClevelandShow.com]
* [http://tvtdb.com/theclevelandshow Episode transcripts] at TVTDB.com

{{DEFAULTSORT:Cleveland Show, The}}
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    <title>Kirby: Right Back At Ya!</title>
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{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Kirby: Right Back at Ya!|Kirby: Right Back at Ya!]]''''', known in Japan as Hoshi no Kirby (星のカービィ Hoshi no Kābī, Kirby of the Stars), is a Japanese anime series created by Warpstar, Inc. and based on Nintendo's Kirby franchise. The series ran for one hundred episodes from October 6, 2001 to September 27, 2003. The series aired on Chubu-Nippon Broadcasting in Japan and in the United States on 4Kids TV; 4Kids Entertainment heavily edited the content in the process.

== [Episode 1] Kirby Comes to Cappy Town ([Episode 1] 出た! ピンクの訪問者)==
:'''Escargoon''': Monster!? That's ridiculous! There's no monster in this castle!
:'''Cappy''': Yes there is! It's big and it eats everything in sight!
:'''Escargoon''': That's King Dedede! There's no monster. Now why don't you go on back to your little trailer park so the King can have his supper in peace?
:'''Tiff''': Hey, wait a minute, Escargoon! Not so fast! ''[Tiff, her brother Tuff, and their parents Sir Ebrum and Lady Like appear]'' How do we know you're not lying again?
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, like you usually do?
:'''Escargoon''': You have no right to speak to me that way. Your parents should slap you silly.
:'''Tiff''': Papa, something funny's going on!
:'''Sir Ebrum''': You might be right, Tiff. A monster is the kind of thing that Dedede would love.
:'''Lady Like''': The king must be behind this!
:'''Escargoon''': You're court official. How dare you accuse his royal highness! ''[to King Dedede]'' Want me to check 'em in for a two-week stay in the dungeon, sweet kingey?
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Laughs and turns to face everyone else]'' A monster, huh? Would the monster happen to look anything that?
:''[He points to a fish tank containing a small octopus]''
:'''Cappy''': That's it! That's the monster! Except it was a hundred times bigger!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughs]'' Well you can see this ain't no monster, it's my new pet octopus. The only thing he likes to eat is sardines.
:''[He drops one in the tanks. The octopus eats it]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hehehehe. Little fella wouldn't hurt a fly less it was on the end of a fish hook!
:'''Escargoon''': Of course it wouldn't. Now get out and go back to your trailer park so the king can have his dessert! Go on! Poof, you're gone!
:''[Tiff runs up to the octopus. The two exchange stares]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kabu''': Tell me, citizens of Dreamland. For what purpose have you come to consult me?
:'''Sir Ebrum''': We seek your wisdom and knowledge Kabu! For three nights a giant monster has been stealing our sheep.
:'''Lady Like''': And it's robbing me of my beauty sleep.
:'''Mayor Len''': King Dedede says it's not his monster...
:'''Chief Bookem''': But I don't believe that rascal.
:'''Tuff''': You know the truth, Kabu!
:'''Tiff''': Please tell us where the monster is, Kabu, and how we can make it go away.
:'''Kabu''': The monster is here. And all of Dreamland is in grave danger.
:'''Tiff''': Why did he come here?
:'''Kabu''': It was called here by your own King Dedede. ''[in the distance, Dedede and Escargoon are watching from Dedede's tank]''
:'''Escargoon''': Sounds like the big Kabu-na's got your number, crownie.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[punches Escargoon on the head]'' That tattle-telling tiki!
:'''Kabu''': The monster was created, by one far more powerful than King Dedede.
:'''Chief Bookem''': I'd like to lock both of them up.
:'''Mayor Len''': What can we do to stop them?
:'''Kabu''': There is nothing you can do.
:''[Everyone is in shock]''
:'''Sir Ebrum''': Oh dear!
:'''Lady Like''': Oh dear me!
:'''Falala''': Is Dreamland doomed?
:'''Tiff''': Can anybody help, Kabu?
:'''Kabu''': There is one hope... a Star Warrior traveling through space... whose name is Kirby.
:'''Tiff''': Kirby.
:'''Tuff''': Yay, Kirby!
:'''Tiff''': Hmmm, bet he's cute!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[He and Escargoon enter]'' That's trash you're talking, Kabu. Ain't no such person as Kirby.
:'''Escargoon''': That's right. You're full of Kabu-loney.
:'''Kabu''': Kabu can see the future.
:'''King Dedede''': Then why don't you predict what's gonna happen when I push this here button?
:'''Kabu''': I predict you will not push it.
:'''King Dedede''': Hey Escargoon, did ya hear that one? ''[laughs]'' Well I predict you're dead wrong!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': It's gotta be impossible, but your name wouldn't happen to be &quot;Kirby&quot;?!
:'''Kirby''': Kirby! Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[After Kirby saves her from falling to her death]'' Kirby just saved my life.
:'''Tuff''': A monster wouldn't have done that, Tiff.
:'''Fololo''': You're right, Tuff.
:'''Falala''': Maybe Kirby is a Star Warrior.
:'''Tiff''': ''[dusting herself]'' Impossible, Falala. Warriors are big and strong, not pink and puffy! ''[Kirby walks by her, surprising her]''
:'''Tuff''': Hey, where are you going? ''[Kirby runs faster, and he, Fololo &amp; Falala give chase]'' Hey, wait up!
:'''Fololo''': He doesn't understand!
:'''Falala''': Don't let him get away, Fololo!
:'''Tiff''': Some warrior.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': My parents work for the King, and we live in the castle. In case you were wondering, my name's Tiff.
:'''Kirby''': Name Tiff.
:''(Tiff gasps)''
:'''Kirby''': Name Tiff!
:'''Tuff''': I'm her brother, Tuff.
:'''Kirby''': Tuff.
:'''Fololo''': And we're their friends Fololo...
:'''Falala''': ... and Falala!
:'''Kirby''': Fololo, Falala?
:'''Tuff''': Guess Kirby must be a baby warrior.
:''[Tiff, Tuff, Fololo, and Falala laugh]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Len''': ...And as Mayor of Cappy Town, I know I speak for everyone when I say we're pleased and proud to welcome our honored guest, the mighty Star Warrior Kirby.
:'''Chief Bookem''': I can speak for myself, thank you.
:'''Mayor Len''': Hah, we all know that, Chief Bookem.
:'''Tuff''': Let's hurry up and eat.
:'''Tiff''': Kirby doesn't understand what you're saying anyway.
:'''Mayor Len''': Then let's dig in, shall we?
:''[Kirby inhales everyone's dinner and then spits their accessories, plates, and silverware back out]''
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''Tuff''': ''[yells in frustration and falls face-first on the table surface]'' I knew I should've started eatin'.
:'''Tiff''': Hey, what's the big idea, Kirby?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Careful with that starship, snailbrain! Once we get it fixed, we can send Kirby back where he came from.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Why does he have to be so abusive? Self-esteem issues, anyone?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Welcome to Nightmare Enterprises, King Dedede. How may I assist you?
:'''King Dedede''': Look, pal, I don't like to complain, but I paid you folks a lot of money for an octopus monster and it turned out to be a little shrimp.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Just give it time, Your Highness, and I guarantee that little shrimp will grow on you.
:'''King Dedede''': Alright.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[screams upon seeing that Octacon has grown to its true size]'' HOLY CALAMARI!
:'''Escargoon''': Get back in your tank, you overgrown appetizer!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[tackles Escargoon]'' Find the receipt for this thing, 'cause I want my money back!
:'''Meta Knight''': You had better leave, Sire.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': ''[about what Kirby did to Octacon's miniature octopus]'' He sucked 'em up.
:'''Tiff''': Just like he sucked up our dinner.
:'''Meta Knight''': It is Kirby's classic defense - inhale.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': ''[about Kirby's transformation]'' That is Kirby's copy ability. After inhaling an attack, Kirby can transform himself. Kirby has now become... Fire Kirby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': There goes my refund.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, I do believe we've been starstruck.

== [Episode 2] A Blockbuster Battle ([Episode 2] 大変! 戦士のおうち探し)==
:'''King Dedede''': They look like rejects to me. I need something strong enough to get rid of Kirby...for good!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Kirby's sure striking out with the plates.
:'''King Dedede''': Then let's see if he can slide.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[about Blocky]'' This thing's even heavier than you, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah. Big enough to beat Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': You dumb blockhead!
:'''Escargoon''': We're sunk and so is he!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I'm gonna miss my little Blocky!
:'''Escargoon''': Well, Sire, it just goes to show you you shouldn't take your monsters for granite.

== [Episode 3] Kirby's Duel Role ([Episode 3] え! メタナイト卿と対決?) ==
:'''Tiff''': Meta Knight came here to see you, didn't he, Kabu?
:'''Kabu''': He came here to consult with me about the threat to the planet.
:'''Tiff''': Threat to the planet? What do you mean?
:'''Kabu''': There is a secret empire of evil ruled by one known as eNeMeE. ''[does a flashback to a shadowed Nightmare placing Chess monsters on the chessboard in his lair]'' It is his plan to control the entire universe. He creates monsters and delivers them to customers like Dedede, who do not know their true purpose. But eNeMeE made one grave mistake. ''[Nightmare grimaces in pain as the shadowed sphere he was about to place on the chessboard has just stabbed his finger with a sword]'' One creature was produced that would not obey his orders, and eNeMeE fears it may defeat him. ''[Nightmare furiously slams the chessboard as the flashback ends]''
:'''Tiff''': The creature must be... Kirby.
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, and that must be why eNeMeE's trying to get rid of him.
:'''Kabu''': That is the likely explanation.
:'''Tiff''': Well, we better get going. Thanks a lot, Kabu.
:'''Tuff''': Hey, Kabu. Where'd ya learn all that stuff?
:'''Kabu''': I learned it long ago, from Meta Knight.
:'''Tuff''': Say what?!
:'''Tiff''': From Meta Knight?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Well, that pink punk ain't gonna make a monkey out of King Dedede. ''[starts driving back to his castle only to be interrupted by Meta Knight]'' Outta my way, Meta Knight!
:'''Meta Knight''': Sire, it is my duty to warn you. Kirby has great power now.
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah? Well, who's the king around here, you or me?
:'''Escargoon''': Move it or lose it!
:'''Meta Knight''': It pains me to do this, sire. But I'm afraid I must. ''[kicks Dedede's tank downhill]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey! What's happening?!
:'''Escargoon''': We're going backwards!
:'''King Dedede''': I know that! Hit the brakes!
:'''Escargoon''': They won't hold, we're gonna crash!
:'''King Dedede''': Do something!
:'''Escargoon''': Like what?!
:'''King Dedede''': Break my fall!
:''[The tank reverses off a nearby cliff and crashes off-screen]''

== [Episode 4] Dark and Stormy Knight ([Episode 4] 星の戦士のひみつ) ==
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Sorry, Your Majesty. But our contract says that Kracko can't be sent backo! ''[laughs]''

== [Episode 5] Beware: Whispy Woods! ([Episode 5] 怒れ! ウィスピーウッズ) ==
:'''Tiff:''' Our planet's ecosystem is a marvel of symbiotic relationships among all living things large and small. Wow, isn't that amazing, Kirby? ''(notices Kirby is missing)'' Kirby? Kirby!
:'''Tuff:''' I guess Kirby must've got bored and went for a walk or something.

== [Episode 6] Un-Reality TV ([Episode 6] 見るぞい! チャンネルDDD)==
:'''Tiff''': WE USED TO HAVE LIVES BEFORE TELEVISION!!!!!

== [Episode 7] Kirby's Egg-Cellent Adventure ([Episode 7] 逆襲! ダイナブレイド) ==
:'''King Dedede''': Look at all the variety. There's shy birds, fly birds, blue birds, two birds, crazy birds, and lazy birds!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Remind me to install some escalators on this mountain.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[singing]'' ''♪ Dyna Blade had an egg she laid, E-I-E-I-O. But a handsome king had a plan he made, E-I-E-I-O. When Kirby eats that big old egg, Dyna Blade's gonna grab him by the leg, drag him away to a secret lair, finally get Kirby out of my hair. ♪'' Dyna Blade... Hey, look!
:'''Escargoon''': Let's hide.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Our deeds bind us to fate as surely as the sun sets.
:'''Tiff''': Could you say that in English?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Kirby, I was only kidding! You'd be too tough for anybody to eat.

== [Episode 8] Curio's Curious Discovery ([Episode 8] キュリオ氏の古代プププ文明) ==

:'''Tiff''': Remember what you always say. The most important thing isn't to show your theories right, but to dig all the way to the truth!

== [Episode 9] The Fofa Factor ([Episode 9] ロロロとラララ愛のメロディ)==
:'''Escargoon''': Sire, a message from your fortune teller.
:'''King Dedede''': Well? What's my soothsayer say?
:'''Escargoon''': I'm lookin', I'm lookin! It says, &quot;If you look for trouble, your trouble will double.&quot;
:'''King Dedede''': Hmph. What's that mumbo-gumbo supposed to mean?
:'''Escargoon''': I'm not sure, but there's more.
:'''King Dedede''': Good. Is it next week's lottery numbers?
:'''Escargoon''': If it was, I wouldn't tell you. It says, &quot;Your account is past due. Pay up, you cheap tightwad!&quot; ''[Dedede hammers him]'' Great. Just 'cause I'm a snail, I get slugged.
:'''King Dedede''': Well I'll show her. I'm ordering a new monster.
:'''Escargoon''': Did you order me some aspirin?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Say, you Cappies look kinda sheepish. Hah! Sheepish! That's a good one! ''[laughs]''
:'''Chief Bookem''': King Dedede! ''[Dedede looks at Bookem with a shocked expression on his face]'' Body-snatchin's illegal.
:'''King Dedede''': So what? You may have my body, but I'm still head around here!
:'''Mayor Len''': We demand you return us to normal, your highness. We're one furious flock!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Boy Kirby and Girl Kirby laugh]''
:'''Falala''': I think we'd better keep it down guys.
:'''Fololo''': Falala, they look just like us!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fofa''': No! Let me go, you creep! I don't wanna be sent to hurt anybody!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': All you can do is float in the air, you useless little clown. We're splitting you in two.
:'''Fofa''': In two?! No please, you can't!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': ''[after Slice n' Splice's sun rod has disintegrated]'' It's too late to use it now. The sun rod bit the dust.
:'''Tiff''': I'm really sorry that we couldn't put you two back together again.
:'''Falala''': That's okay. We may have two bodies...
:'''Fololo''': But we've got one heart. [he and Falala hug each other]

== [Episode 10] Hail to the Chief ([Episode 10] ボルン署長をリニュアルせよ)==
:'''Mayor Len''': Lunatics! This is a road, not a bumper car track!
:'''Escargoon''': It's your fault. I guess you haven't heard the King's always got the right of way.
:'''King Dedede''': Just ask the DDDMV!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': You could have been hurt in that crash, but luckily your stomach acts as a built-in airbag.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuggle''': The King's firing Chief Bookem?
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': There goes my doughnut sales.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Those bees gave me so many lumps that I feel like a bowl of oatmeal!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': ''[While Driving Dedede's Tank And Yelling At The Same Time]'' Driving sure is a lot harder than it looks!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Aw, my paper's in pieces! Grr... if that's how y'all gonna play it, i'm gonna up the ante!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief Bookem''': ''[to the bees, about Dedede and Escargoon]'' Company bee, arrest these crooks!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Leave us alone, don't pollinate something!
:'''King Dedede''': Don't you dare sting yo king!

== [Episode 11] The Big Taste Test ([Episode 11] 宮廷シェフ・カワサキ) ==
:'''Escargoon''': ''[shaking]'' You don't want to eat me! I'm bitter...r...r...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': What better way to honor your King than to let him sauté you?
:'''Escargoon''': ''[whimpering]'' I never thought I'd go like this...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[trying samples of Kawasaki's food]'' Tasteless! Nasty! Awful! This stinks! This too! Lousy! Putrid! Rancid! TREASON!!! Kawa-yucki, I oughta fry you up like a fritter!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': I know this came out of the oven, but it tastes like it came outta the sofa cushions!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': There's a word for this here stuff, and it ain't &quot;food&quot;!

== [Episode 12] Kirby's Pet Peeve ([Episode 15] 誕生? カービィのおとうと) ==
:'''King Dedede''': What's that thing he's got?
:'''Escargoon''': I don't know what he's got, but I've got whiplash.
:''(Kirby and the Robot Pet scream &quot;Poyo!&quot; and bark respectively at them, angrily)''
:'''King Dedede''': That's one of them computer canines! I want one of 'em, too. Where'd he get that?
:'''Escargoon''': I don't know. Probably from that toy shop in Cappy Town.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Now what do I look like, some little nitwit?
:'''Gengu''': I wouldn't say little. Definitely not.

== [Episode 13] Escargoon Squad ([Episode 12] デデデ城のユーレイ)==
:'''Meta Knight''': It appears you were able to shamboozle us all, Escargoon.
:'''Sir Ebrum''': By jove! You suddenly had me believing in ghosts.
:'''Lady Like''': Tuff, I'm ashamed of you!
:'''Tuff''': King Dedede is always doing stuff to scare us. Why shouldn't we scare him?
:'''Kirby''': Poyo!
:'''Tiff''': Well, I guess bad things happen to bad kings!
:''[Everyone in the room but Meta Knight burst out laughing]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[chasing Kirby, Tuff, Escargoon, Fololo And Falala]'' You all gonna be ghosts when I catch up with ya!

== [Episode 14] The Pillow Case ([Episode 14] 夢枕魔獣顔見勢) ==
:'''Escargoon''': What's wrong, Sire? I haven't seen you this mad since yesterday.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Take it easy on those turns.
:'''King Dedede''': Just hang on to my throne.
:'''Escargoon''': I'll hang on to the throne, Sire. It's my lunch I'm worried about.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I'm their number one customer, and they ought to acknowledge that once in a while.
:'''Escargoon''': Well, maybe they would if you pay the bill every once in a while.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Pillows? What're they for?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Haven't you ever used one? They're for sleeping.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[Hypnotized]'' Must destroy kirby. '''Destroy Kirby!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Lucky little lump.

== [Episode 15] A Fish Called Kine ([Episode 16] 私を愛したサカナ 私を愛したサカナ) ==
:'''Tiff''': A fish who can write...
:'''Kine''': A lot of fish are very educated because we spend so much time in schools.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Me, your girlfriend?!
:'''Tuff''': ''[Laughing]'' Yeah, Tiff. And he can be your Gillfriend!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Ah... the catch of the day.
:'''Tuff''': Stop! That's not sushi, that's Tiff's boyfriend!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Her... boyfriend?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': You see how dangerous it is?
:'''Tuff''': You're lucky. You must have nine lives.
:'''Kine''': Maybe that means I'm part catfish...

== [Episode 16] Flower Power ([Episode 18] 眠りの森のピンクボール) ==
:'''Fololo &amp; Falala''': Babagahara? I've heard of that place. No one who goes there has ever come back!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': This plant plan's startin' to grow on me.
:'''Dedede''': Yeah, that Pukey Flower's one bad blossom! It pops up little Noddy berries, the critters gobble them up, and the owners can't wake 'em. (laughs)
:'''Escargoon''': They think a wiff of the Pukey will wake them up, but then the Pukey eats them up!
:'''Dedede''': And now it's time for Kirby.
:'''Escargoon''': Lunch time. ''[the two burst into laughter]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirby''': ''[snoring, sleep-talking]'' Picnic...picnic...
:''[Tuff gasps]''
:'''Kirby''': ''[sleep-talking again]'' Pic...nic....

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Kirby! Glad you're okay, buddy!

== [Episode 17] Here Comes the Son ([Episode 19] ナックルジョーがやって来た!) ==
:'''King Dedede''': I happen to know just the Star Warrior you lookin' for.
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Then spill your guts, tubby.
:'''King Dedede''': Uhhh, tubby?
:'''Escargoon''': Hey wise guy, this is the king you're talking about! You can't insult him because he's fat! Or because he's a big ignoramus! Or because he's a tightwad...''[gets hammered by Dedede]''
:'''King Dedede''': '']clears throat]'' Sonny, I know just the Star Warrior you lookin' for, and his name's Kirby.
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Look out... Kirby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Knuckle Joe''': He wasn't a father. He was a weakling.
:'''Meta Knight''': Good. I am glad. That way, he will not have to see what a monster you have become. 
:'''Knuckle Joe''': What? I am not a monster! 
:'''Meta Knight''': Anyone who abandons his reason, and lives only by hatred, is a monster. 
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Grrr... 
:'''Tiff''': Knuckle Joe... What we do makes us all monsters. And now, look what you did to Kirby. 
:'''Knuckle Joe''': But I am not a monster! 
:'''Meta Knight''': But you lived by hatred. And hatred is what eNeMeE loves.

== [Episode 18] Dedede's Snow Job ([Episode 20] さよなら、雪だるまチリー) ==

== [Episode 19] A Princess in Dis-Dress ([Episode 21] 王女ローナの休日)==
:'''King Dedede''': ''(Practice proposal to Princess Rona)'' From the moment I laid my big ol' eyes on your big ol' head, I knew you were my love.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Cries]'' I wanna marry the pretty princess!
:'''Escargoon''': ''[at Princess Rona]'' Now you've broken the king's heart! ''(softly)'' How? I don't know, he doesn't have one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': My dreams are shattered. How will I ever fill this emptiness?
:'''Escargoon''': Ah, just do what you normally do. Have seven cheeseburgers.

== [Episode 20] Island of the Lost Warrior ([Episode 22] 孤島の決戦老兵は死なず!) ==
:'''Tuff''': What are we going to do, Tiff?
:'''Tiff''': I'm thinking! It takes time to come up with great ideas!
:''[Tiff's stomach growls]''
:'''Tiff''': ''[looking embarrassed]'' My stomach thinks it's a great idea for us to find some lunch now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Kirby, I'm sure glad you made friends with Sergeant Cosmos.
:'''Tuff''': Me too, but that guy's still kind of wacky.
:'''Tiff''': He's been stuck on this island so long he thinks the Star Warriors still have an army.
:'''Kit Cosmos''': ''[suddenly puts out Kirby and friends' fire that they were cooking their fish on]'' Are you kids out of your minds?! Lightin' a campfire at night will give away our position to the enemy!
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, except we don't have any enemies.
:'''Tiff''': And look. Now we don't have any dinner.
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Tough luck. During some of my missions, I went weeks with nothin' to eat but dirt! A real warrior don't need no fancy luxuries like food!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;	
:'''Kit Cosmos''': I salute you, Meta Knight!

== [Episode 21] The Empty Nest Mess ([Episode 23] 迷子のダイナベイビー)==
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon! Get this caterpillar off of me!
:'''Escargoon''': I guess I used too much formula, but at least we know it works!

== [Episode 22] Ninja Binge ([Episode 24] ニンジャ、ベニカゲ参上!)==
:'''Benikage''': Keep away from the scroll, or prepare to battle a real ninja!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Benikage''': ''[sniff]'' They're plastic anyway...''[cries]''

== [Episode 23] Like Mother, Like Snail/Escargoon Rules ([Episode 24] エスカルゴン、まぶたの母)==
:'''Tiff''': Who's so important to ya?
:'''Escargoon''': It's my... it's my... It's my mommy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon's Mother''': Ahh, it's still so hard for me to believe that I'm the mother of a king.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': You two's Escar-dentical!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Don't worry. That guy's just pretending to be king.
:'''Escargoon's Mother''': He's pretending? But why?
:'''Tiff''': It's his job to act crazy. Dedede's the court jester.
:'''Escargoon's Mother''': Court jester? You mean he's a clown?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[horrified, about his Drifter parachute]'' It's been De-De-Disintegrated!

== [Episode 24] Sword and Blade, Loyal and True/Hour of the WolfWrath ([Episode 26] 忠誠! ソードとブレイド) ==
:'''Escargoon''': (after WolfWrath has gotten away from him and Dedede) Ah, I don't think it's housebroken.
:'''Dedede''': That WolfWrath monster of yours better not wreck my castle. This ain't no doghouse!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I'm afraid WolfWrath doesn't take too well to training, Triple D. He's kind of a hot dog and if you try to break him, you'll get burned! ''[laughs]''
:'''Dedede''': Huh? It'll attack me?! ''[the N.M.E. Sales Guy laughs again]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[about WolfWrath's battle with Meta Knight]'' Look, it's battling Meta Knight, not Kirby!
:'''Dedede''': Grr... Meta Knight oughtta mind his own beeswax and let WolfWrath turn Kirby into toast!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Don't sweat it, Triple D. That monster can wipe out a whole army of Star Warriors.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': KITCHEEEEENNNNN!!! Where's the chow, ya chowder-heads? His highness is hungry up here!
:'''Waddle Doo''': But we just served the king a ten-course meal.
:'''Dedede''': All of them appetizers was un-appetizin'. Bring me ten different courses and make it snappy!
:'''Waddle Doo''': Right! ''[he and the Waddle Dees make another ten-course meal and start bringing it to the king]'' Hup, two, three, four, we bring the food and he wants more, five, six, seven, eight, the king had better watch his weight.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sword Knight''': We should have stayed to protect Kirby.
:'''Blade Knight''': ''[mumbling]'' Our promise.
:'''Sword Knight''': We're sorry, kids. We won't let it happen again.
:'''Tiff''': That's okay. The only reason you two were reckless was because you knew Meta Knight was in trouble.
:'''Tuff''': You guys sure are loyal to him. How'd you meet him?
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''Blade Knight''': ''*mumbling*'' Long time ago.
:'''Sword Knight''': Back when Meta Knight and the Star Warriors were battling Nightmare's monster armies. ''(begins flashback)'' The struggle turned the whole galaxy into a wasteland. To survive, we became bandits.
:''[Meta Knight is running up the side of the canyon when Blade Knight and Sword Knight step in his way]''
:'''Meta Knight''': Out of my way. Let me pass!
:'''Sword Knight''': Oh, we'll be happy to let you pass, for a price.
:''[Blade Knight mumbling]''
:'''Meta Knight''': I have no time for your games. The monster that is chasing me is truly dangerous.
:'''Sword Knight''': We're dangerous too.
:'''Meta Knight''': I warn you. Leave now while you still have a chance.
:''[WolfWrath's howl is heard above all three as it leaps down and attacks by surprise]''
:'''Blade Knight''': Away! Away! ''[mumbling]''
:''[Sword Knight attacks but is thrown aside by WolfWrath. It spits a fireball at them only for it to be reflected back by Meta Knight]''
:'''Meta Knight''': Run. Quickly! ''[Blade Knight and Sword Knight hide as he then fights back against WolfWrath and ultimately forces it into a nearby lake as the flashback ends]''
:'''Sword Knight''': We were just a pair of lousy crooks.
:'''Blade Knight''': Meta Knight ''*mumbling*'' rescued us.
:'''Tiff''': So that's why you follow him.
:'''Tuff''': 'Cause he saved you both.
:'''Sword Knight''': ''[about the weapons hung on the wall of their master's living room]'' Those things on the wall... We used them to rob and steal. Now they remind us of what fools we were before we met Meta Knight.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dedede''': ''[snacking on his latest ten-course meal]'' What's taking them guards so long to track my monster?
:'''Escargoon''': Finish your snack, sire. I'm checking the cameras. ''[sees WolfWrath blowing fire everywhere it goes, even at the cameras]'' Ahh! What's it doing?! ''[sees even more of the castle halls on fire]'' Ah! WolfWrath's a fire dog!
:'''Dedede''': ''[gasps in anger and starts yelling at the N.M.E. Sales Guy]'' What're you trying to pull here?! That monster's barbecuing my whole castle!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Oops! I guess I forgot to mention that. WolfWrath needs to set fires to get the strength for its attacks.
:'''Dedede''': ''[growling with anger, he's finally had enough and he gives an order to the Waddle Dees]'' Throw that WolfWrath outta here!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sword Knight''': Blade. Remember how Meta Knight saved us when WolfWrath cornered us?
:'''Blade Knight''': Hm. Aye. ''[mumbling]''
:''(flashback to when Meta Knight and WolfWrath fell into the nearby lake)''
:'''Sword Knight''': Water is WolfWrath's one weakness.
:'''Blade Knight''': ''[mumbling]'' Put it out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sword Knight''': Brings back memories, don't it, Blade?
:'''Blade Knight''': ''[mumbling]''
:''[last flashback of the episode begins, showing both Sword and Blade kneeling behind Meta Knight]''
:'''Meta Knight''': So. Are you two sure you want to join me?
:'''Blade Knight''': You're ''[mumbling]'' great warrior.
:'''Sword Knight''': We want to make your cause our cause.
:'''Meta Knight''': I will tell you what we must do. We must search for a new warrior... one who will defeat eNeMeE and bring justice to our galaxy.
:'''Sword Knight''': From that moment on, we became Meta Knight's followers.
:'''Blade Knight''': And, ''[mumbling]'' loyal to him.
:''[both Sword Knight and Blade Knight look on proudly at Kirby's triumphant pose with Galaxia as light from the sky shines down on him]''

== [Episode 25] The Flower Plot ([Episode 27] 恋に落ちたウィスピーウッズ) ==
:'''Lovely''': ''(to Whispy Woods)'' But Whispy, these oxygen-breathers can't possibly mean more to you than I do.

== [Episode 26] Labor Daze ([Episode 28] 恐怖のデデデ・ファクトリー) ==
:'''Tiff''': Dedede made us think he was making appliances, but he was really building a giant robot.
:'''Tuff''': That creep! I'd like to tear it apart with my bare hands!

== [Episode 27] The Hot Shot Chef / A Spice Oddysey ([Episode 29] 激辛! ファミレス戦争)==
:'''King Dedede''': Yuck! &lt;big&gt;Yuck!!&lt;/big&gt; &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''YUCK!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; This slop ain't fit for a doggone dog! There's gotta be something here that's eatable! ''[takes a bite of a salad, chews for a few seconds then bursts into tears]'' I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!
:'''Escargoon''': But Majesty, we've got other choices. Instant noodles, cat food, crunchy liver-and-bacon dog treats, hmm? ''[Dedede looms over him]''
:'''King Dedede''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''I WANT SOMETHIN' TASTY!!!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:''[later, at Restaurant Kawasaki...]''
:'''King Dedede''': Yuck! &lt;big&gt;Yuck!!&lt;/big&gt; &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''YUCK!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; THIS TASTES LIKE TRASH!!! Kawasaki, ain't you got nothing digestion-able in this here dump!?
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Sorry, Sire. That's every dish on the menu.
:'''King Dedede''': You ain't no chef, YOU'RE A GARBAGEMAN!!
:'''Escargoon''': Come clean, Kawasaki. All chefs have secret recipes. Don't hold out on us!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I'm not! That's all I have!
:'''King Dedede''': What a loser. Let's get out of here.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': But what about your bill?
:'''King Dedede''': Forget it, pizza-face! ''[throws a pizza at Kawasaki]''
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': ''[tastes the pizza]'' It tastes okay to me...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I need a top-class chef for my new restaurant.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': You owning a restaurant is like a termite owning a lumber yard.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Monsieur Goan''': Tornato.
:'''King Dedede''': Tornado?
:'''Escargoon''': Not tornado. Tornato. It's a fancy foreign language, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': I was joking, ya beanhead!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I can't even give my food away.
:'''Tuff''': What are you gonna do?
:'''Tiff''': I guess you can always pay people to eat here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': ''[sighs]'' He was my only customer and I turned him into a flamethrower...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': It's done. This dish is so hot, it may burn through the pot. I call it Toxic Atomic Curry. When they get a taste of this, I'll be the hottest chef in town! ''[laughs maniacally]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[gasp]'' You're on fire!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Hahahaa-haha! Atomic Curry!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Kirby's in trouble!
:'''Tiff''': That monster knows every trick in the book!
:'''Meta Knight''': You mean in the cookbook!
:'''Tiff''': Hey, that's a pretty good one!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Laughing]'' Won't be long now, Kirby!
:'''Kirby''': ''[freezes]''
:'''Tiff''': Kirby!
:'''Escargoon''': Relax, you'll feel a lot better when you try a bracing bowl of Kirby sorbet.
:'''King Dedede''': Just chill out, Kirby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Yeah! He's Fire Kirby!
:'''Meta Knight''': No, that's the heartburn from Kawasaki's cooking.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I finally out-spiced Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Alright, what's this all about a punishment?
:'''King Dedede''': If you ask me, it's punishment enough to mangle with the peasants!

== [Episode 28] Hatch Me if You Can ([Episode 30] カービィの謎のタマゴ)==
:'''Chief Bookem''': Hmm. No missing egg reports coming yet. Nobody broke into any nests, lately. I guess Kirby can go back to sittin' on the egg.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Well, they're not gonna be any help. I'm gonna have to crack this egg case myself.

== [Episode 29] Cappy New Year ([Episode 13] ププビレッジ年忘れ花火大会)==
:'''King Dedede''': This new year's gonna be a blast. ''[laughs]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': We can create our own celebration. We can do whatever we want to!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': That monster's a pyrotechnomaniac!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': It's almost midnight! So ten...
:'''Everyone else''': ...nine... eight... seven... six... five... four... three... two... one... ''[fireworks occur behind Parasol Kirby]'' HAPPY NEW YEAR!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo! ''[waves to everybody as fireworks shaped like the sentence HAPPY NEW YEAR appear behind him]''

== [Episode 30] Abusement Park ([Episode 31] ビバ! デデベガスへようこそ)==
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''[about Mike Kirby's singing]'' It's like he's scratching down a chalkboard! I can't take it! I'm sending Kirby back...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': I fear Microphone Kirby may be Kirby's most powerful form!
:'''Tiff''': Now you tell me!

== [Episode 31] Junk Jam ([Episode 33 え〜っ! 宇宙のゴミ捨て場) ==
:'''Tuff''': Kirby, doesn't your stomach ever get tired?

== [Episode 32] The Kirby Derby - Part I ([Episode 35] 栄光のプププグランプリ (前編))==
:'''King Dedede''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''I'M GONNA GET THAT GOOFBALL!!!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Tuff, I almost got run over! You should stick to a tricycle!

== [Episode 33] The Kirby Derby - Part II ([Episode 36] 栄光のプププグランプリ (後編)) ==
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': You and I were married forty years ago today. That's why I wanted to win so badly!

== [Episode 34] A Recipe for Disaster ([Episode 34] 究極鉄人、コックオオサカ)==
:'''King Dedede''': I paid Nightmare Enterprises a heap o' money so they can send me a heap o' popcorn?

== [Episode 35] Watermelon Felon ([Episode 37] お昼のデデデワイドをつぶせ!)==
:'''Meta Knight''': Sometimes the pen is mightier than the sword.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Well, you got a problem with me, pinky?
:'''Kirby''': ''[Barfs out the newspapers and the newspapers flood the castle]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''[in reaction to King Dedede uploading the millions of newspapers that Kirby flooded his entire castle with to Nightmare's Fortress]'' HEY! What do you think you're doing?!
:'''King Dedede''': There's a lot more where that came from. Nobody wants these newspapers anymore, so I gotta put 'em somewhere.

== [Episode 36] Escar-Gone ([Episode 39] 忘却のエスカルゴン) ==
:'''Meta Knight''': Tiff. Have you ever met that snail before?
:'''Tiff''': Never. I was just being nice to him because he seemed so upset.
:'''Meta Knight''': Hmmm. We've never met, but somehow he knew both of our names.
:'''Tiff''': I think the guy's missing a few marbles.
:'''Meta Knight''': Maybe so. We'd better keep an eye on him in case his condition worsens.
:'''Tiff''': I wonder if his name really is Escargoon...
:'''Escargoon''': ''[having overheard Tiff &amp; Meta Knight's conversation and realizing they've forgotten him as well]'' Oh, mercy! This is the darkest day of my life! ''[runs away crying]''

== [Episode 37] Monster Management ([Episode 40] 魔獣ハンターナックルジョー!)==
:'''King Dedede''': Ahh, ''[chuckles]'' Ain't nothin' like starting the day off with bubblin' bath!
:'''Escargoon''': It's great to be king.
:'''King Dedede''': Mmm-hm.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Our new management director suggested that we give you a hands-on demonstration. I believe you've met. Say hello, Joe.
:'''Knuckle Joe''': ''[turns around smiling while donning his new business suit]'' That's Knuckle Joe!
:''[King Dedede &amp; Escargoon's jaws drop in a huge state of surprise]''
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Nice to see you again, tubby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': Hey! Quit pluckin' my plumage, bub!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Knuckle Joe ain't qualified to work for N.M.E.!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': But Joe! I thought you wanted to battle on the side of the good guys!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': What a mess. It's gonna be monster mayhem! Well, I sure hope Kirby took his vitamins today.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[several Mini-Monsters rampage throughout Cappy Town, causing as much trouble as they want and wrecking as many things as they can find]''
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Ah! Knock it off, you lowlifes, or at least order something!
:'''Tuggle''': Yo! No piggin' out at my place without payin'!
:''[Knuckle Joe watches the chaos unfold in Cappy Town from a rooftop]''
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Perfect. Just like I planned.
:''[pan to more trouble caused in Cappy Town by the Mini-Monsters]''
:'''Prof. Curio''': Ah! That urn's an antique you uncultured brute!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': You are putting the planet in danger!
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Just trying to keep my bosses happy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Oh, that Knuckle Joe! Why did he make all this trouble?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Masher is a real heavyweight.
:'''Tiff''': ''[Replying to Meta Knight about Masher being a real heavyweight]'' You said it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Knuckle Joe leaps down, tosses away his business suit, and charges in to join in Masher's beatdown of Kirby]''
:'''Tiff''': Knuckle Joe! ''[starts shedding tears]'' Please don't do it.
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Get ready, Kirby. Your time is up! Vulcan Jab, Vulcan Jab, Vulcan Jab! ''(starts pounding on Kirby as well)''
:'''Tiff''': Poor Kirby.
:'''Tuff''': One bad guy was enough. How can Kirby win two against one?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[in reaction to Knuckle Joe's sudden betrayal against Masher]'' Hey! You was supposed to clobber Kirby, not mess with Masher!
:'''Knuckle Joe''': I tricked ya!
:''[everyone reacts in surprise]''
:'''Knuckle Joe''': It took a long time to plan, but it was worth it. I'm a monster hunter now, and I wanted to bag one of the big ones. That meant going after Masher!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Hmmm. So you hunted down Masher... with a suit and tie?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dedede''': That's De-de-devious! ''[laughing]''
:'''Escargoon''': What are you laughing at? Knuckle Joe just made you look like a knucklehead.
:'''Dedede''': AAAAH! You two-timer! Nobody monkeys with Triple D!
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Sorry, tubby. Too late!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I must take full responsibility, sir. It seems I fell for Joe's trick and...
:'''eNeMeE''': Forget it! Let the fools think they've beaten us. When they let their guard down, we'll teach them a lethal lesson. ''[laughs evilly]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': You were like a double agent, Joe!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Hunting down monsters throughout the universe... Joe, your father would be proud.

== [Episode 38] Prediction Predicament - Part I ([Episode 41] メーベルの大予言! (前編)) ==
:'''King Dedede''': Eh, What Happened?
:'''Escargoon''': You were sleepwalking, that's what happened! Or should I say you were sleepwhacking!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[screams]'' Kirbeh's after me again! ''[runs away]''
:'''Kirby''': ''[runs towards King Dedede]'' Poyo!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[runs faster]'' You keep dem fangs away from me, pinkeh!
:'''Kirby''': ''[runs faster]'' Payo, yayo!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mabel''': The monster that has been haunting you is your conscience, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': What's a conscience?
:'''Mabel''': It is the goodness that lies in the deepest part of you.
:'''Escargoon''': Oh please. The only thing lying in the deepest part of him is a fried cheese log.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Wonder what Dedede's up to?
:'''Tiff''': Based on past experience, I think it's safe to say it's something stupid.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': [about Phantom Star Gerath] Thousand years away, hmm? I don't know about our little friends, but I for one am feeling kind of impatient. What do you say we speed up the process just a little bit?
:'''Nightmare''': What a wonderful idea. ''[laughs evilly]''

== [Episode 39] Prediction Predicament - Part II ([Episode 42] メーベルの大予言! (後編)) ==
:'''Meta Knight''': Mice will always scamper away from a ship before it sinks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': Kirby... Any moment now we'll be dust in the wind. We've always been the best of buddies, huh, Kirby? Huh? Kirby? KIRBY!! Listen when I'm talkin' to ya!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': You did it! You lovable lug, you! You finally listened to your heart for once!

== [Episode 40] Sheepwrecked ([Episode 43] ヒツジたちの反逆)==
:'''Amon''': The time has come! We must defeat our oppressors. Our natural meekness has been mistaken for weakness, but from this day forward, we will not behave like simpering sheep, but like ravenous wolves. Throughout history, we have been dominated by fear. But now our oppressors will learn to fear us!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[flocks of angry sheep rampage throughout Cappy Town, eating as much food as they can find while also wrecking as many antiques as possible]''
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I knew sheep liked grass, but who knew they liked my food?
:'''Prof. Curio''': Oh, you can't go tearing up my shop like a pack of wolves!
:'''Tuggle''': Hey, you're getting wool all over my merchandise there.
:'''Amon''': You have done well. Dream Land is now at our mercy, but we will show no mercy. We will conquer this planet, my friends... and soon, the entire universe! ''[he and the other sheep howl triumphantly in unison]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amon''': Now you Cappies are the shuddering sheep, and the wicked wolves are in charge.
:'''Cappy''': Alright, what do you want us to do?
:'''Amon''': All of you, BAA!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Baa, Baa?
:'''Prof. Curio''': Baa, Baa...
:'''Amon''': I said, all of you! I command you! BAA!!!!!
:''[The Cappies and Waddle Dees Baa like sheep]''
:'''Amon''': Louder, or the wolves will get angry.
:''[The Cappies and Waddle Dees Baa even louder]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amon''': I command you. BAA! Or you will suffer the consequences! Those who disobey me will face the chopping block!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amon''': These cowards don't deserve their freedom.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amon''': There must be others like me. Others who yearn for freedom. I will seek them out, and perhaps one day I will lead a new flock.

== [Episode 41] War of the Woods ([Episode 44] ウィスピーウッズの友アコル)==
:'''Whispy Woods''': ''[about Acore]'' I can't be certain. He's been around for 800 years. There are many perils at such a great age.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': TUFF! 
:'''Tuff''': Ah! Hey Tiff, what's wrong? How come you look so mad?
:'''Tiff''': You know why! You were fighting!
:'''Iro''': We were just helping this old tree.
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, Whispy Woods asked us to.
:'''Tiff''': Oh really so Whispy Woods asked you to kick out those animals?
:'''Tuff''': Well, not exactly...
:'''Tiff''': Of course not. Because those animals helped that tree by living in it!
:'''Tuff, Iro, Spikehead And Honey''': Huh!?
:'''Kirby''': Poyo?
:'''Coo''': Acore provides us with a place to stay. And in exchange, we harm those insects and enrich the soil.
:'''Tiff''': That's right. Kicking them out was a mistake!
:'''Tuff, Iro, Spikehead And Honey''': [Sadly] Aw...
:'''Tuff''': We were only trying to help...
:'''Tokkori''': Well, ya didn't. Thanks to you that tree's even worse off than before!
:'''Coo''': You helped them too, Tokkori.
:'''Tokkori''': Yeah, I forgot that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Save the tears for your golf score, Sire.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon!
:'''Escargoon''': Your majesty! Come back!
:'''King Dedede''': We've been De-De-Divided!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Please don't fall, Acore!
:'''Tokkori''': It's too much! We can't hold 'im!
:'''Tiff''': Yes we can, just push!
:'''Coo''': We can't give up!
:'''Rick''': We can't let our friend come crashin' to the ground, mates!
:''[meanwhile, King Dedede and Escargoon are watching Kirby and co.'s valiant efforts to keep Acore standing from atop a nearby cliff]''
:'''King Dedede''': Heh heh heh heh heh. Them do-gooders think we gave up!
:'''Escargoon''': They're always overestimating our common sense. ''[has the Grasshopper Eavesdropper detonate near a nearby waterfall, causing a flood in one final attempt to destroy Acore]''

== [Episode 42] Pink-Collar Blues ([Episode 47] 帰れ、愛しのワドルディ)==
:'''Escargoon''': Believe me, it'll be cheaper than your hospital bill if you have to eat my cooking.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Don't Eat It!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon! Let's play some putt-putt!
:'''Escargoon''': I don't have time to watch you cheat at miniature golf. My entire life savings are in jeopardy!
:'''King Dedede''': Whadda ya mean I cheat?
:'''Escargoon''': Oops.
:'''King Dedede''': I ain't never cheated at miniature golf!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirby''': Poooyooooo! Poyo! ''[laughs cutely]'' Poyo! Poy!

== [Episode 43] Tourist Trap ([Episode 48] プププランド観光ツアー) ==
:'''Tiff''': Kabu here is not only extremely ancient, but he's also the wisest-- ''[notices the tourists throwing coins into Kabu's insides and gasps]'' Hey, no throwing coins!
:''[the tourists continue to throw coins into Kabu anyway]''
:'''King Dedede''': Let them folks toss away. It's free money.
:''[the tourists start painting graffiti all over Kabu]''
:'''Tuff''': Tiff, look what they're doin'! ''(Tiff notices what the tourists are now doing to Kabu)'' Knock it off!
:'''Tiff''': Kabu's one of the greatest treasures in Dream Land!
:''[the tourists bicker back at her in a foreign language]''
:'''Waddle Doo''': Chill out. We do this every place we visit.
:'''Tiff''': How rude!
:'''Escargoon''': Ah, who cares? It's just a talking tiki. Let's move it!
:''[King Dedede laughing]''
:''[the tourists prepare to leave for their next destination]''
:'''Tiff''': I'm sorry, Kabu. We'll come back and clean you up.
:'''Kabu''': I could use some moisturizer too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waddle Doo''': ''[to the tourists, pointing to his flask of ice]'' Shibi ton pa, ha ta sai Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': As far as tourism goes, Sire, here's my opinion. You might as well rename Dream Land &quot;Snoozeville&quot;!
:'''King Dedede''': Well, as far as I'm concerned, them tourists can take a hike!

== [Episode 44] A Novel Approach ([Episode 38] 読むぞい! 驚異のミリオンセラー)==
:'''King Dedede''': Somebody stole all the pictures out of this here book! It's all gobbledygook here.
:'''Escargoon''': They're words.
:''[Beat]''
:'''Escargoon''': Arghh! You rule a Kingdom and you don't even know how to read?
:''[Beat]''
:'''King Dedede''': Course I know how to read, you dummy! I learned how to before I got expelled from kindergarten!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Give me that book! I'm only up to chapter 2!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': They must be under a spell. Knock it off, King Dedede is using this game to hurt Kirby!
:'''Rowlin [Fake]''': It's too late Tiff, you can't break my spell. ''[evily laughs]''
:'''Rowlin''': You imposter! How dare you be me.
:'''Tiff''': So then you're the real author?
:'''Rowlin''': You've been hoodwinked by her. She didn't create Pappy Pottey!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rowlin''': No matter how sad we feel or how bad our circumstances, we can use our imaginations to dream something better. We should never give up on our dreams because they're what build our tomorrows!

== [Episode 45] Snack Attack - Part I ([Episode 52] 悪魔のチョコカプセル! (前編)) ==
:'''King Dedede''': I want all them candies with mini-figures in this here store!
:'''Tuggle''': Every single one of 'em?
:'''Gengu''': I don't know.
:'''King Dedede''': Perhaps this'll persuade ya. ''[laughs as he places blocks of money at Tuggle &amp; Gengu's counter to their delight]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Hmm... So they think my mini figure will be popular. Hmm... I like that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief Bookem''': ''(to Dedede)'' I'm sorry, Your Highness, but I gotta do my duty. Next time you wanna steal, just raise our taxes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I felt like a zoo animal sitting in that jail cell.
:'''Escargoon''': No self-respecting zoo would take you.

== [Episode 46] Snack Attack - Part II ([Episode 53] 悪魔のチョコカプセル! (後編)) ==
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': You've got to think creatively, D. The monsters were designed to look like toys, so they could play around with their enemies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Can't tell a crook by its blubber!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': This is perfect.
:'''Tiff''': What're you talking about?
:'''Tuff''': It's over. Kirby's gonna lose the match.
:'''Meta Knight''': In order to mature, Kirby must be pushed to his utmost limits. Only then will he learn to exceed them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Uh oh. Kirby's gonna get pulverized.
:'''Tiff''': That wrestler's too big.
:'''Meta Knight''': Every opponent has a weakness.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''*laughs*'' I tried to sell you more fighting monsters, but you decided to pinch your pennies. Now you're stuck with the junk, Big D.
:'''King Dedede''': I'll never collect nothin' again!

== [Episode 47] Cartoon Buffoon ([Episode 49] アニメ新番組星のデデデ) ==
:'''King Dedede''': Do y'all know how to tell a story? Do y'all know how to draw 'til your fingers fall off? Do y'all know how to color inside the lines? Then we want YOU! ''[Laughs]'' I'm the most important person in this whole jointhouse! Heck, I'm the producer!
:'''Spikehead''': A producer? What does a producer do?
:'''Iro''': A producer doesn't do anything.
:'''Escargoon''': Hmmmm, they gotcha there, Majesty.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[the Cappies present their poorly-drawn pictures of Dedede Man]''
:'''Mayor Len''': I think I've really captured you, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[tears the drawing out of Len's hand]'' I oughtta capture you!
:'''Iro''': What do you think, Your Majesty?
:'''King Dedede''': ''[tears the drawing out of Iro's hand]'' I think it stinks!
:'''Tuggle''': Pretty good, huh?
:'''King Dedede''': ''[tears the drawing out of Tuggle's hand]'' Pretty awful!
:'''Melman''': I slimmed you down a bit.
:'''King Dedede''': ''(yells as he tears the drawing out of Melman's hand]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': All you lazy louts better be workin'!
:'''Chief Bookem''': Lazy?!
:'''Mayor Len''': With all due respect, we're working as hard as we can.
:'''King Dedede''': If you don't get crackin', I'm gonna have to give you all a whackin'!
:'''Escargoon''': ''[Grunts]'' We'd better air what we just have.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[the altered opening of King Dedede's new show starts playing''
:'''King Dedede''': ''[singing to the opening]'' Dedede! That's the name you should know! Dedede! He's the king of the show! You'll holler and hoot, he'll give Kirby the boot! Dedede's the one!
:'''Tiff''': ''[reacting to the new show's altered opening]'' Hey! Kirby's supposed to be the star!
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, now it's about Dedede.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Okay, guys. Get ready.
:'''Tuff''': Our lines are coming up.
:'''Meta Knight''': Tiff, I am nervous. I have never... acted before.
:'''Tiff''': Don't worry. You'll do great.
:'''Meta Knight''': Thank you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Hehehe I AM A SUPAHSTAR WARRIAH heh.
:'''Tiff''': &quot;Dedede Saves the Day&quot;? Hey, wait! Where'd that title come from?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': That cheat! Dedede made Kirby look like the bad guy!
:'''Tuff''': He must've switched stuff around while we weren't looking.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Good morning, Majesty.
:'''Dedede''': Well, if it ain't my faithful servant, Escargoon!
:'''Escargoon''': My, aren't you looking fit as a fiddle!
:'''Dedede''': You're downright spiffy yourself.
:'''Escargoon''': Have you seen Kirby today, Majesty?
:'''Dedede''': He don't scare me none!
:'''Tiff''': Those two changed my script so they look like heroes! ''[Growls]''
:'''Tuff''': If Dedede and Escargoon are heroes, this sure isn't a reality show.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': We're right behind you majesty. You're a hero to us all!
:'''King Dedede''': Oh come now. Little ol' me a hero? Surely you jestin'!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Look! It is Fire Dedede, our Hero! ''[to You]'' I would never say that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Look at that charisma!
:'''Escargoon''': Majesty, we're gonna have to ad-lib this part, we never wrote the last two pages of the script!
:'''King Dedede''': Ad-lib? YOU COULDN'T TELL ME THIS BEFORE, YOU SCATTERBRAINED ''[As he hits Escargoon with his mallet]'' SLUG?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Sigh]'' All this animation's giving me palpitation!
:'''Escargoon''': I'll never direct another cartoon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Hey, this is great!
:'''Tiff''': It's one of those shows that's so bad it's good!

== [Episode 48] Don't Bank on It ([Episode 50] 貯めるぞい! のろいの貯金箱) ==
:'''King Dedede''': Time for me to work on my hypno-doot-dooey.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''(speaking through the Dedede Dolls)'' Dedede... You like me... Dedede... You trust me...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Have you ever wondered how all that money got there in the first place?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Sleep tight. You gonna be in for a rude awakening.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Dedede is tired. I ain't gettin' no rest. If I can't sleep, then neither can you fools! WAKE UP! ''[starts psychically using his Dedede Dolls to pummel the residents of Cappy Town, laughing all the while, except for Tiff, who already locked up her own doll inside one of her drawers before going to sleep]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': That's one dangerous doll. Last night, it stomped me without any warning. Kick that thing out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Hey! Quit strangling me!
:'''Escargoon''': I'm only trying to prevent something terrible from happening to you, Sire!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': We're broke. We're right back where we've started, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': I can't afford to buy no more monsters. ''[cries]'' But I still got one doll left so's I can get my revenge!
:'''Escargoon''': I dunno. Playing with dolls can be hazardous to your health.
:'''King Dedede''': That don't matter none to me so long as I get that Kirby! ''[laughs]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Now that's embarrassing.
:'''Escargoon''': Honey, you don't know the meaning of embarrassing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': Turn into Doll Kirby!
:''[Kirby jumps up in an attempt to transform and gain the ability of the Dedede Doll he just inhaled, but falls back down, unable to gain any ability]''
:'''Tokkori''': Figures. Guess you don't have enough brains to be a doll.

== [Episode 49] Kirby Takes the Cake ([Episode 51] センチメンタル・カービィ) ==
:'''Tuff''': Hah! This is fun. I bet Kirby doesn't know a thing about his surprise party.
:'''Tiff''': Probably. He hardly knows anything.
:'''Tuff, Spikehead, Iro, &amp; Honey''': That's true.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Len''': Kirby, I didn't see you there! This is no place for you, I'm afraid.
:'''Prof. Curio''': That's right. We're busy, so, uh... Run along.
:'''Mayor Len''': Shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo. ''[Kirby begins to leave]'' Bye bye, Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief Bookem''': Oh! Sorry, Kirby. Lots to do today. Gotta apprehend a couple of donuts!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': That there's a weapon of mass Dedede-struction.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': You saw it! This whole town's revoltin'!
:'''Escargoon''': You said it!
:'''King Dedede''': They lookin' to dispossess me and tarnish the reputation of the Dedede Dynasty! Them ungrateful ingrates!
:'''Escargoon''': After all you've done to them!
:'''King Dedede''': ''*growls*'' I'll stamp out them double-crossers! How can them Cappies Dedede-throne ME?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': I saw this coming. After all, a ruler like you is loud, mean, nasty, sneaky, self-centered... ''(King Dedede angrily flattens him)'' ''(weakly)'' ...did I mention violent...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Hey there, Triple D. What up?
:'''King Dedede''': I'll tell you what's up. I need you to send me your most powerful monster!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Our most powerful monster? Sounds urgent.
:'''King Dedede''': You bet it's urgent! I'm about to become the victim of a Cappy-comb!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I think I've got one for you, but I should warn ya. He's a bit of a slippery character.
:'''King Dedede''': Whadda ya mean?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': You see, he has trouble distinguishing between friend and foe. Poor little fella gets confused sometimes. I'd wanna handle this one with care, Big D!
:'''King Dedede''': You send it over and we'll handle it real good!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': What's that? Nobody wants to play with ya? ''[bursts out laughing about what Kirby told him]'' Nobody wants to play with ya, 'cause nobody likes ya!
:'''Kirby''': ''[shocked by what Tokkori just said to him]'' POYO?!
:'''Tokkori''': Ever since you got here, you've been a pink pain in the neck. As usual, I'm the only one around here with the guts to tell you the truth! Everybody says that Kirby is nothin' but trouble. If I was you, I'd fly the coop cause you ain't welcome here, Sonny! ''[Kirby starts packing up]'' With you outta the way, things would finally get back to normal, and I could take over this cottage permanent. Booooy, wouldn't that be the day? ''[notices that Kirby's gone]'' Huh? Kirby? Where'd that boy go?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kabu''': Wait! Do not go. You are troubled, my friend, and your heart is full of sorrow. One year has passed since you came to Dream Land.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': Ah! There ya are! Hey, next time you run away, tell me where you're goin', would ya? I've been lookin' high and low for ya. Yer girlfriend's plenty steamed at me cause a' you. Come on! Get movin'! Everybody in Cappy Town's goin' crazy worryin', so come on back home!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': A whole year has passed. How quickly time flies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': I'm sorry, Kirby. We didn't play with you because we didn't want to ruin the surprise for you. We wouldn't want to hurt you for anything, Kirby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': They really outdid themselves there. I've heard of pretty girls poppin' outta cakes, but this is even better!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': That's new.
:'''Tuff''': What mode is that, Meta Knight?
:'''Meta Knight''': He is now Bomb Kirby.
:'''Tiff &amp; Tuff''': Bomb Kirby?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': You have indeed grown in many ways this year. I cannot wait to see what changes next year brings.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Happy first anniversary, Kirby. We're all very happy that you came to Dream Land. Kirby, we love you.

== [Episode 50] Air-Ride-in-Style - Part I ([Episode 96] ワープスターの危機! (前編)) ==
:'''King Dedede''': I've been real patient with you, but I want me a monster that can whup Kirby now!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I understand your disappointment, Big D, but I've been sending you top-of-the-line monsters all along.
:'''King Dedede''': Well the bottom line is, them lamos was losers!
:'''Escargoon''': That's right! His majesty may be a big fat meathead, but how many half-baked freakazoids are you gonna send me?!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[bops Escargoon]'' I'll do the complaining here.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Maybe you've been going about stopping Kirby the wrong way. Have you ever thought about-
:'''King Dedede''': I ain't interested in thinking! I know everything there is to know about catching Kirby already.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I was only going to remind your fly-ness about Kirby's secret weapon.
:'''King Dedede''': Say what?
:'''Escargoon''': Secret weapon?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''[laughs]'' I'm referring of course to Kirby's shining star; the Warp Star.
:'''King Dedede''': The Warp Star?
:'''Escargoon''': That's what that Tiff always calls out.
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah. The big ol' thing comes flying to rescue Kirby.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''[laughs again]'' See what a little thing he can do... ''[Dedede pelts his monitor with an egg, surprising him]''
:'''King Dedede''': Just kill the dip-strip and get to the point.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': As I was about to say, Sire, if Kirby didn't have the Warp Star to come to his rescue, Kirby would be easy to get rid of.
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, that's it! If we can stop the Warp Star, we can stop Kirby! Hah!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sir Ebrum''': Good day, Your Majesty.
:'''Lady Like''': You most certainly startled us.
:'''Tiff''': You better not be here for Kirby.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[laughs]'' We're not here for the little pod.
:'''King Dedede''': We here for the big mouth!
:'''Tiff''': Huh? ''[The limousine use a grab nabber to nab her]''
:'''Tuff''': You can't do that!
:'''Lady Like''': Tiff, no!
:''[Dedede and Escargoon stuff Tiff into their limo and drive away with her, they laughing]''
:'''Tuff''': ''[chases Dedede's limousine alongside Kirby, Fololo &amp; Falala]'' COME BACK!
:'''Fololo''': HEY!
:'''Tuff''': '''YOU DIRTY CROOK!!!'''
:'''Sir Ebrum''': How dare he! That blaggard has kidnapped our daughter!
:'''Lady Like''': We have to get her back somehow!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At the dungeon]''
:'''King Dedede''': Lookie here, girly. you can have yourself all of these sweety cakes and creamy puffs confidence and yo kingly ol' friend Dedede.
:'''Escargoon''': That's right, I'll you gotta do is cooperate. Here, have a cupcake.
:'''Tiff''': I wouldn't touch your cruddy cupcake. Now you better untie me and let me go right now. RIGHT NOW!
:'''Escargoon''': Oh, we'll let you go soon enough.
:'''King Dedede''': Just say the magic words!
:'''Tiff''': What magic words?
:'''Escargoon''': the one you say it whenever that pesky pinky in the pickle.
:'''Both''': Kabu.
:'''King Dedede''': Warp Star!
:''[Both laughing]''
:'''King Dedede''': Now all you gotta do is say it. And if you don't say it, we gonna keep you tied up not too tight till you do, got it?
:'''Tiff''': Hmph.
:'''Escargoon''': Yeah! Tell us where he's hidin' that Warp Star!
:'''Tiff''': I'm not gotta tell you and you two anything.
:'''Tuff''': ''[offscreen]'' Hey, Tiff!
:'''All''': Huh?
:'''Tuff''': Let's go!
:'''Tiff''': What are you doing here?
:'''Escargoon''': Look, it's the little brother to the rescue. Ain't that nauseating?
:'''King Dedede''': Get lost. We trying to find out where Kirby's Warp Star's at.
:'''Tuff''': Uh...that's easy. The Warp Star's inside Kabu.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:''[Dedede, Escargoon, and Tiff all react in shock and Tuff, having realized what he just said, covers his mouth, and then Dedede and Escargoon burst out laughing and then run off to Kabu]''
:'''Tuff''': ''[untying Tiff]'' Sorry. It just slipped out.
:'''Tiff''': Some secret keeper. ''[sighs]''
:'''Tuff''': Hurry!
:'''Tiff''': Luckily, we don't have to hurry.
:''[Kirby starts eating the food Dedede and Escargoon had out on the table while interrogating Tiff]''
:'''Tuff''': But what if they find it somehow?
:'''Tiff''': Even if Dedede and Escargoon found the Warp Star, it wouldn't do them any good.
:'''Tuff''': Huh?
:'''Tiff''': Because they don't understand the power of the Warp Star like I do.
:''[Tiff flashes back to the events of Dark and Stormy Knight, where she revealed to Meta Knight that she brought the Warp Star to Kabu to keep it safe and secret, and called upon it to aid Kirby during his fight against Kracko]''
:'''Tuff''': I remember all that, too. But I wanna know where you got the idea to hide the Warp Star inside Kabu.
:'''Tiff''': Well that was easy. I remember the first time I saw it.
:''[Tiff flashes back to when she and Prof. Curio first discovered the Warp Star's pedestal inside Kabu]''
:'''Prof. Curio''': Look! I've never seen that.
:'''Tiff''': ''[narrating]'' It was like it was made for the Warp Star. It had to stay with Kabu.
:''[flashback ends]''
:'''Tuff''': It sure is weird. ''(about the Warp Star's pedestal)'' But the Warp Star fits inside it so perfect, especially since Kabu's been around for millions of years.
:'''Tiff''': Of course it's weird. Everything about Kabu is weird.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Alright Kabu, I'm gonna ask ya one last time. Now is you or is you ain't hiding Kirby's Warp Star? ''(Kabu doesn't respond)''
:'''Escargoon''': Alright, Mr. Frozen Face, now you're gonna get it!
:'''Waddle Doo''': Attack! ''[the Waddle Dees throw their spears at Kabu, but they simply bounce off him without any effect on him]''
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon! I want that freaky tiki in jail!
:'''Escargoon''': In jail?
:'''King Dedede''': Waddle Doo! Throw Kabu in the dungeon, you hear?
:'''Waddle Doo''': Dungeon?! But Your Majesty, I don't have the Waddle Dee power. Kabu's too big to move!
:'''King Dedede''': What?
:'''Escargoon''': Believe it or not, he's heavier than you are.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[to Meta Knight]'' You're not in charge of the Warp Star. I am.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughing]'' The Wimp Star's high-tailin' it home to Kabu.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Home to Kabu? What do you mean?
:'''Escargoon''': Kabu's been hiding the Warp Star. Get with the program, pal!
:'''King Dedede''': Them pals thought they was pretty clever.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': This isn't good, D. Better cancel that Kirby farewell party. I'm afraid that Warp Star's gonna be back in tip top shape in no time.
:'''King Dedede and Escargoon''': ''[In horrorified]'' Huh?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Kabu's sort of a hospital for Warp Stars and wounded Star Warriors... Like a big recovery room.
:'''King Dedede &amp; Escargoon''': '''''RECOVERY?!?!?!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Kabu, what are we gonna do? The Warp Star's damaged.
:'''Kabu''': The Warp Star will need time to recover.
:'''Kirby''': ''[sadly]'' Po-poyo, po...
:'''Tiff''': Kirby, Kabu says the Warp Star's tired right now. The only thing we can do is wait for the Warp Star to get better again.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo...

== [Episode 51] Air-Ride-in-Style - Part II ([Episode 97] ワープスターの危機! (後編))==
:'''Escargoon''': ''[after watching the Formula Star Rider's defeat]'' I'd say that guy's a formula for disaster.
:'''King Dedede''': I ain't worried none. We still got three more left here. ''[laughing]'' Kirby just got lucky that time, that's all.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, what's he slurpin' up all that water for?
:'''Escargoon''': Maybe he ate somethin' salty.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kirby has defeated the Rocket Star Air Rider]''
:'''Tuff''': Yeah!
:'''Tiff''': They might be faster, but Kirby's way smarter.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[after having watched the Winged Star Rider's defeat and angrily growls]'' These Air Riders is a bust. Whatcha givin' me?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Hold on there, gents. After all, the show's not over yet, is it?
:'''Escargoon''': No, but it better have an unhappy ending.
:'''King Dedede''': This last one better do the trick or you in trouble here!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': You'll see that Shadow Star's the grand finale.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[about the Winged Star]'' Wow, Kirby really knows how to fly that thing!
:'''Meta Knight''': A Star Warrior can fly anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': How'd we get inside Kabu? What happened?
:'''Tuff''': Don't you remember? You and Kirby were flying on the Warp Star and you fell off.
:''[Tiff remembers when a blast from a Destraya chipped off a piece of Kirby's Warp Star and knocked both of them off]''
:'''Tuff''': We were kind of worried. You and Kirby have been knocked out ever since.
:'''Tiff''': But what about the flying fighters that were after Kirby?
:'''Tuff''': What flying fighters?
:'''Tiff''': What do you mean what flying fighters?
:'''Tuff''': There weren't any fighters. We've all been inside waiting for you guys to wake up.
:'''Meta Knight''': Tiff, did you really see them?
:'''Tiff''': I'm telling you, I saw them, Meta Knight. You don't think I'd lie, do you?
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''Kabu''': No, Tiff. It was all a dream. A dream that only you and Kirby dreamt.
:'''Tiff''': I don't understand.
:'''Kabu''': Tiff, I sent you and Kirby that dream. I have learned from others like me that eNeMeE has been stealing Air Ride Machines throughout the universe.
:'''Tiff''': But I still don't understand why you would send that dream to Kirby and me.
:'''Kabu''': Kirby must learn to fly not just Warp Stars, but other battle vehicles as well.
:'''Tiff''': Well you should be proud of him. Kirby flew those things like a pro.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Well, it seems Kirby and his Warp Star aren't invincible after all.
:'''Nightmare''': It's only a matter of time before the Warp Star will be ours for the taking. ''[laughs evilly]''

== [Episode 52] Scare Tactics - Part I ([Episode 45] 真夏の夜のユーレイ! (前編))==
:'''Tiff''': ''[to Kirby]'' It must be real hard to play soccer when you're always mistaken for the ball.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': ''[laughs heartily]'' How's that? You saw an actual ghost?
:'''Chief Bookem''': From the scream she let out, I'd have to say you're right, Mayor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuggle''': What good's being a kid if you don't have nightmares once in a while?

== [Episode 53] Scare Tactics - Part II ([Episode 46] 真夏の夜のユーレイ! (後編))==
:'''Meta Knight''': I sense a dangerous force at work here. It must be eNeMeE.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Uh-oh. Escargoon? Yo! You okay? I done mistook you for a ghost!
:'''Escargoon''': ...How many ghosts take showers?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I was about to rid your kingdom of Kirby once and for all, and you two nearly spoiled it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': This little bonehead's a real shocker!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirby''': Zzzzzzzzz....

== [Episode 54] One Crazy Knight ([Episode 54] やりすぎの騎士! キハーノ)==
:'''Sir Gallant''': Greetings, peasants! I am Sir Gallant, and I have been greatly moved by your plight and by the courage that you have shown in the face of such monstrous enslavement. But fear not. The end of your oppression is at hand!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sir Gallant''': ''[to Windwhipper]'' So, we meet again. You bested me last time, but this time I will prevail!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mabel''': It is up to you to fight for justice everywhere.

== [Episode 55] Sweet &amp; Sour Puss ([Episode 55] ある愛のデデデ)==
:''[In the morning, at the Castle]''
:'''Escargoon''': Dedede's a rotten boss to work for. That I can't deny. He yells and screams and criticizes, no matter how I try. I deserve a raise, but the king refuses. All I ever get are bumps and bruises! He's a grouch. He's a grump. But I stay. Maybe I'll be king one day.
:''[King Dedede suddenly looms over Escargoon, but something about the former seems different; he's acting much nicer and more patient than normal]''
:'''King Dedede''': So, I'm a grouch and a grump and a rotten boss, huh?
:'''Escargoon''': ''[Blushes, nervously]'' I wasn't talking about you. It was a different tyrant.
:'''King Dedede''': That's okay.
:'''Escargoon''': Ah! ''[Exclaims]'' Look out! ''[He accidentally dumps the roses with a vase on King Dedede and whimpering. Dedede pull the vase off his head, Escargoon dreaming about to get clobbered by Dedede]'' Please don't clobber me.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Chuckles]'' I sure won't.
:'''Escargoon''': Huh? You mean you're not gonna mash me with your mallet?
:'''King Dedede''': No, I forgive you.
:'''Escargoon''': Huh? You do? I wonder if I still dreaming. ''[thuds and Dedede walks away]'' He's acting like he traded personalities with a teddy bear. Must be a ruse to get my guard down. ''[Dedede returns with a mop]'' I knew it! ''[Dedede cleans up the mess on the floor with the mop]'' Huh? ''[Dedede still cleaning]'' You can't trick me by pretending that you're not angry. I know you're planning to mop the floor with me.
:'''King Dedede''': I ain't angry with you.
:'''Escargoon''': Please don't torture me this way!!
:'''King Dedede''': Let's let bygones be bygones!
:'''Escargoon''': It's hard to believe but, maybe he means it. ''[exclaims in happily]'' Sire!
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[He grabs the mop from Dedede]'' There's no way I'm falling for that gag. You fooled me too many times. ''[He pushes Dedede causing him to accidentally step on a rose thorn and then cause the vase to crash onto his head]'' Oh boy! I'm in for in now!
:'''King Dedede''': Why'd you push me?
:'''Escargoon''': ''[Whimpers]'' I'm sorry!
:'''King Dedede''': That's okay.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[screams in shocked and Dedede luaghs]'' That's it! I give you! Sire, please stop acting like you don't want to get even with me? ''[cries]''
:'''King Dedede''': I just want us to be friends.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[screams in horrified]'' OH NO!!! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!!! ''[laughs in horrified]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': That Dr. Yabui is full of hooey!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Why can't we all just be friends?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': This hallway needs a traffic light.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Isn't anybody normal around here?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Togeira, inside his head, has just stored enough of his anger and now unleashes it into an explosive flaming rage from within him, causing him to let loose a rage-filled roar to everyone's horror while causing Escargoon whimpering at the same time]'' &lt;big&gt;'''Now it's payback time!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Tuff''': No more Mr. Nice Guy.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo! Po, poy!
:'''Tiff''': He's back to his old self.
:'''Meta Knight''': No, the monster is still controlling him.
:'''King Dedede''': &lt;big&gt;'''Alright Escargoon, who's been beating on me!?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[yells in panic, then laughs nervously and afterwards throws Dedede's hammer to Kirby]'' Uh, Kirby!
:'''Kirby''': Poy! ''[Dedede grabs his hammer back from him]'' Po, poyo? Po...
:'''King Dedede''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''WELL NOW I'M GONNA POUND YOU 'TIL YOU'RE FLAT AS A FLAPPYJACK!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Whoa, that monster's super mad!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kirby and friends laugh at each other]''
:'''Kirby''': Poyo, poyo! Poyo, poyo!

== [Episode 56] Dedede's Pet Threat ([Episode 56] わがままペットスカーフィ) ==
:'''King Dedede''': Aww... Ain't my new Scarfy-poos sweet, Escargoonie-goon?
:'''Escargoon''': Yeah, I suppose they're kind of sweet. The kind of sweet that makes you barf.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': What's the matter? Ain't I tasty enough?

== [Episode 57] A Half-Baked Battle ([Episode 57 パイを笑う者はパイに泣くぞい!) ==
:'''Kirby''': Hahahahahahaha! ''[laughs at King Dedede]''
:'''Tokkori''': HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!
:'''Escargoon''': Get a load of that!
:'''Buttercup &amp; Chief Bookem''': HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
:'''Escargoon''': Let's show an instant replay! ''[laughs]''
:'''Prof. Curio''': HOHOHOHAHAHA!!!!!
:'''Escargoon''': Here it is from another angle! ''[laughs]''
:'''Tuggle &amp; Gus''': HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
:'''Escargoon''': ''[Laughs even harder]''
:'''Chef Kawasaki, Gengu &amp; 2 Other Cappies''': HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
:'''Escargoon''': I gotta see this again! Roll it in slow-mo this time! ''[A slow-mo of King Dedede getting hit by the pie is shown on TV, laughs]''
:'''Iro &amp; His Parents''': HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dedede''': I'm through with that chef show! I want some good grub and all I get is a pie in the eye!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dedede''': ''[overhears Tiff's family laughing at him getting hit with a pie]'' Hey, what's so funny? ''[the family stops laughing for a few seconds, and then starts laughing again]''
:'''Sir Ebrum''': You're quite the comedian, your majesty!
:'''Tiff''': A cream pie in the face... now that's a classic! ''[She and Sir Ebrum start laughing again while Dedede growls angrily]''
:'''Escargoon''': Slowing down the tape for a moment, we clearly see the stunned expression on the king's face as he is unexpectedly pie-pummeled. ''[laughs at the repeats twice]''
:'''Lady Like''': You also made my family scream many times in the past, your majesty. But now it's screaming with laughter!
:'''Tuff''': It's funnier every time they show it! ''[Dedede growls again before running out of the living room]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dedede''': I'm replacing it with a brand new show. It's one of them reality programs... called Pie Justice!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Dedede! Pie throwing isn't just a waste of time. It's also a waste of food! You should be ashamed of yourself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Here's a little get well present for ya, D-Man! We heard you had a serious case of pie-arrhea!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Now listen up! His Highness is declaring a new law!
:'''King Dedede''': From now on, anybody in this here kingdom who says the word &quot;poyo&quot; is gonna be found guilty of treason!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo?
:'''King Dedede''': AH! Y'all heard that trash-talkin' traitor!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Why don't you suck it up!? ''[tastes the custard]'' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''UUUUUGGGHHH!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Bellybuster must make his pies in a barber shop. They taste like shaving cream, except worse.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Kirby, suck it up!
:'''Kirby''': ''[covers his mouth and shakes his head no]''
:'''Tiff''': ''[gasps]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Not even Kirby could eat anything that bad.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Somebody cooks worse than me! ''[laughs heartily]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': I feel... dirty. ''[Sigh]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Here comes the custard!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': What's happening?!
:'''Meta Knight''': Bellybuster has swallowed them and they will now be... digested.
:'''Tiff''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''NO!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

== [Episode 58] eNeMeE Elementary ([Episode 58] 魔獣教師でお仕置きよ!)==
:'''Tuff''': ''[Singing]'' When old King Dedede came to town, he got off his throne and his pants fell down.
:'''Spikehead''': ''[Singing]'' He thinks he's a king, but he's really a clown.
:'''Honey''': ''[Singing]'' When Dedede came to town!
:'''Tuff, Iro, Spikehead &amp; Honey''': ''[Singing]'' When old King Dedede starts to roar, he never heard anything like it before.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo, Poyo!
:'''Tuff, Iro, Spikehead &amp; Honey''': ''[Singing]'' Unless of course, you heard him snore, then Dedede starts to roar! ''[Laughing]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escagoon''': ''[Laughing]'' That's you, sire.
:'''King Dedede''': They're making a monkey out of me!
:'''Escargoon''': Oh, you've got to admit, it is pretty funny, sire. ''(laughing again)'' Huh? ''(sees his own drawing)'' I'll sue those little punks!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': How come we have to wear these goofy-looking robes?
:'''King Dedede''': 'Cause I'm the one selling them, that's why!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Must be the spirit of creativitude taking over!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[being possessed by the demon hat]'' Listen up you rowdy bunch of hooligans! ''[To Kirby]'' If you think you can get away with that kind of behavior in my class, [[w:You've Got Another Thing Comin'|You've Got Another Thing Comin'!]]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Cries]'' Them ruffians ain't never gonna learn no manners! ''[Cries Again]''

== [Episode 59] The Meal Moocher ([Episode 59] 最強番組, 直撃! 晩ごはん) ==
:'''King Dedede''': ''[He starts to shake and hold the menu in the air, everyone backs away as he tears the menu in half]'' I WANT NEW FOOD AND I WANT IT NOW!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hana''': ''[to Kirby]'' You came just in time! I'm about to serve dinner. Would you like to come join us?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Just look at 'im! That pink pan-handler hustled three dinners out of those Cappies in one night!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sir Ebrum''': ''[about the idea of winning money through a meal]'' That's interesting.
:'''Lady Like''': It would be nice to win that money.
:'''Sir Ebrum''': Oh dear, we're above that sort of thing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughing]'' Just remember, I like king-sized portions!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Buttercup''': Oh, we'll begin with the miso soup! It's from an old Japanese recipe I found. The second course will be sushi! There are twelve different varieties! We also have a medley of spring vegetables - many from outside Dream Land - all steamed to perfection and sprinkled with the special egg soy sauce! Next, comes a new dish I just invented: turkey tempura! There's also a special treat: broiled eel and onions! Those are just the appetizers! Now, for the main course!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[his thinking-voice]'' This is trouble. I gotta stop the king from giving them a five-star rating, or our bank accounts is going belly-up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Buttercup''': My crab has been sabotaged! I demand to see an instant replay just before the main course!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[he grabs Escargoon's goatee]'' '''HEY!''' What's the idea torchin' my tongue!?
:'''Escargoon''': Sorry, Sire. But I had to act quick cause you can't afford to pay out any more prize money!
:'''King Dedede''': Let's see how you like you red pepper, You double-dealin' spice sneakin' slug, here!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I done decided that I don't feel like dinin' on crab no more. 'Specially when it's bigger than me. But you can go on ahead and eat it yourself if you want to.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Not even Kirby gets hungry enough to gobble up a giant monster for dinner. ''[laughs with everybody until Kirby gets ready to inhale the crab he just cooked, much to their shock]'' Kirby! &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''NOOO!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

== [Episode 60] Crusade for the Blade ([Episode 60] 宝剣ギャラクシア!) ==
:'''King Dedede''': ''[yawns]'' I ain't seen no flyin' saucers here. I just wanna go back to bed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sirica''': 	Meta Knight!
:''[Meta Knight looks up to see Sirica on a level higher than the one he's standing on]''
:'''Sirica''': It's been a very long time.
:'''Meta Knight''': You speak as though we have met. Have we?
:'''Sirica''': So you don't remember? My mother was the Star Warrior Garlude!
:''[Meta Knight gasps in realization that Sirica is Garlude's daughter, just before Sirica starts opening fire on him and his knights with her machine gun]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Who are you?
:'''Sirica''': My name is Sirica.
:'''Tiff''': Why are you after Meta Knight?
:'''Sirica''': He has something that is very precious to me. His sword: Galaxia.
:'''Tiff''': Galaxia?
:'''Tuff''': You mean Meta Knight's sword has a name?
:'''Kirby''': Poyo?
:'''Tiff''': This is ridiculous! Meta Knight's a great Star Warrior, not a thief like you.
:'''Sirica''': Hmph. Meta Knight inspires great loyalty, for someone so heartless.
:''[Kirby and the kids gasp at what Sirica just said]''
:'''Tuff''': What do you mean?!
:'''Sirica''': Your friend Meta Knight was an enemy of my mother. ''[begins flashback, in her mind]'' It was many many, years ago. My mother Garlude was considered the greatest of all Star Warriors. She and Meta Knight had been chosen among many noble warriors to reclaim the sacred sword, Galaxia, which had been stolen by the evil beast: Kirisakin. They began to battle the great monster. Both were brave and fought valiantly, but in the end, the beast proved too strong for Garlude. Just as she was reclaiming the sword, she was overpowered! Meta Knight stood and watched as my mother lost the battle. He stole the sword and fled, leaving my mother to perish... alone. ''[ends flashback]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': She's a little girl with a big ol' gun and a whole lot of attitude!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Very interesting. Well, if this space girl's as tough as you say she is, then I better send over the &quot;big guy&quot;. ''[sends Kirisakin to King Dedede and Escargoon as it roars and clashes its two scythes over its head]''
:'''King Dedede''': Now that's a monster!	
:'''Escargoon''': Ugh... I think I'm gonna faint.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sirica''': That sword is mine! Now you will pay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sirica''': ''[having heard a familiar lion-esque roar and seen Kirisakin making its way to Kabu]'' This can't be... it's Kirisakin, the great monster.
:'''Meta Knight''': Kirisakin is here to reclaim the Galaxia sword. We must stop it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Galaxia''': ''[after Sirica tries to pry it from the ground a second time]'' My name is Galaxia. Only the most powerful of knights may wield my ancient magic. Meta Knight is the chosen one. Your mother Garlude knew well this truth. ''[begins flashback to how Garlude sacrificed herself to deliver Galaxia to Meta Knight]'' In sacrificing her life, Garlude made the ultimate sacrifice.
:''[Garlude manages to pry Galaxia from its pedestal and throws it to Meta Knight before Kirisakin delivers the killing blow to her from behind. Meta Knight claims Galaxia and leaps at Kirisakin to fight it. End flashback]''
:'''Sirica''': If my mother gave my life for this, I shall too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sirica''': Galaxia... Now I know what a great Star Warrior my mother was to the very end.
:'''Meta Knight''': Sirica. Your mother would have been so proud.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Wow, Meta Knight! She was a great warrior.

== [Episode 61] Fitness Fiend ([Episode 61] 肥惨! スナックジャンキー)==
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Surrounded by potato chip bags]'' Y'know, there's jus' somthin' about sittin' in front o' the TV all day long that gives me the nibblies!
:'''Escargoon''': Just look at this mess! Where do you expect me to put all these soggy sacks?
:'''King Dedede''': This looks like a good place! ''[Shoves an empty bag onto Escargoon's head]''
:'''Escargoon''': You know, you're a real couch potato. You're as big as a couch and you're full of potatoes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': He has fallen, and cannot get up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Hey, what up, D?
:'''King Dedede''': Zip yer layer!
:'''Escargoon''': Your chips made his majesty a travesty!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': It's not our fault he can't control his appetite! We made those snacks to fatten up Kirby, not you, sire.
:'''King Dedede''': Why'd ya have to go and make 'em so delicious?! Nobody can resist those things! THEY'S TOO DANG TASTY!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Max Flexer''': Treadmills are a lot of fun. You'll survive 'em if you run! Get it going really fast, or this race will be your last!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': If fit is in, I'm out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[after Kirby has transformed into Mike Kirby]'' Oh no! I forgot how terrible Microphone Kirby's singing is!

== [Episode 62] Mabel Turns the Tables ([Episode 62] たかが占いされど占い) ==
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': ''[about Curio's fortune]'' He must have picked the stone! NO!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': I know what you're doing. Samo, you should be ashamed of yourself!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lady Like''': My husband's prime minister!
:'''Escargoon''': Your husband's unemployed, [[w:Blondie (band)|Blondie]]!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': I suppose the royal golf course is a bust?
:'''Mabel''': You said it, not I.

== [Episode 63] Something to Sneeze At ([Episode 63] 師走のカゼはつらいぞい!)==
:'''Escargoon''': Ah...ah...ah...ah...AH-CHOO!!!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[grunts]'' You sprayed me! Now what was that for!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': HEY, YOU, META KNIGHT! Whadda' you know about all the sneezin' and wheezin' that's goin' round' here?
:'''Meta Knight''': ''[Coughs and Runs off]''
:'''King Dedede''': Even Meta Knight got a cold!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirby''': Ahh..ahh.ahhhh.... CHOO!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I turned myself into an ice cube and I still ain't sick. What am I doing wrong!?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Maybe you're too warm-hearted.

== [Episode 64] The Kirby Quiz ([Episode 64] 新春! カービィ・クイズショー )==
:'''King Dedede''': Here it is! A spankin' new year. Who knows? Maybe this year, I'll turn over a new leaf and treat folks more nice-like.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Greetings, and Happy New Year from all your friends at Nightmare Enterprises! I'll be hosting tonight's Kirby Quiz and I just know we're going to have a rockin' good time!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Honey''': I think it was Stone Kirby.
:'''Mabel''': I think you are right. ''[presses button]''
:'''Tokkori''': What's the answer?
:'''Tuff''': It was Fire Kirby. ''[presses button]''
:'''Samo''': I don't recall.
:'''Kawasaki''': I'll take a wild guess. ''[presses button, answering &quot;Needle&quot;]''
:'''Tiff''': That's easy. It was Fire Kirby, remember?
:'''Kirby''': ''[pressing button]'' Fire!
:'''Escargoon''': It was Fire Kirby for sure.
:'''King Dedede''': Haha! Stone Kirby! ''[presses button]''
:''[Escargoon gasps]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': This tough cookie fought against Kirby only to become a great hero. What was his name?
:'''Mabel and Honey''': Knuckle Joe! ''[presses button]''
:'''Samo and Kawasaki''': Knuckle Joe! ''[presses button]''
:'''Tiff and Kirby''': Knuckle Joe! ''[presses button]''
:'''Tuff and Tokkori''': Knuckle Joe! ''[presses button]''
:'''Escargoon''': Knuckle Joe!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[presses button]'' DEDEDE!
:''[Audience breaks out laughing]''
:'''Escargoon''': I had the right answer!
:'''King Dedede''': Guess my hands must have slipped or something.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff and Tokkori''': Spin Kick! ''[Tokkori presses button]''
:'''King Dedede and Escargoon''': Who cares, anyway?
:''[The entire audience breaks out laughing]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Well, it's starting to look like a Happy New Year already.

== [Episode 65] Masher 2.0 ([Episode 65] 逃げてきたナックルジョー) ==
:'''Lady Like''': ''[sees Tuff's soccer ball]'' Tuff, you know better. Take this ball outside.
:'''Tuff''': ''[about the outside storm]'' Out there? ''[cue booming thunder sounds, startling Kirby and the kids]''
:'''Sir Ebrum''': The weather's taken a nasty turn.
:'''Tiff''': I've never seen lightning this bad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Knuckle Joe''': I ain't sure how, but Masher's been rebuilt. And now it's out for revenge.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Knuckle Joe''': ''[to Masher 2.0]'' You're a lot stronger than me, that's for sure. But you've sure got a bucket of bolts for a brain! ''[Masher approaches]'' Get ready to rock! ''[punches the rock he's standing on, causing it to shatter]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[to King Dedede]'' Socked by a soccer ball. Your first sports injury!

== [Episode 66] The Chill Factor ([Episode 66] さまよえるペンギー) ==
:'''Pengy''': It is the Pengys' fate to wander far and wide. We are very weary but happy to have stumbled upon your chilly village. We would like to rest here for a while if you will have us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kirby and the kids have found a giant air conditioner that's been spewing cold air into the sky, discovering the source of the second wave of Winter weather in Dream Land]''
:'''Tuff''': Hey Tiff, what is that thing?
:'''Kirby''': Poyo?
:'''Tiff''': Now it all makes sense.
:'''Tuff &amp; Kirby''': Huh?
:'''Tiff''': The Pengy tribe brought this here on purpose, and it's so powerful that it turned our summer into winter.
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, but why?
:'''Kirby''': Poyo...
:''[suddenly, the trio hears a familiar voice. It's Pengy]''
:'''Pengy''': So, it looks as though our young friends have discovered our secret. ''[laughs as the trio turns around to see him and his guards ambush them and surround them with their spears]''
:'''Tiff''': Pengy!
:'''Tuff''': ''[gasps in horror]''
:'''Kirby''': Poyo!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pengy''': Your reign is through, King Dede-dumb!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pengy''': More ice. How thoughtful of you, Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirby''': ''[Singing]'' Payao puh poyo pay ya pa poyo poyo payo pay, poyo!

== [Episode 67] The School Scam ([Episode 67] 魔獣教師2) ==
:'''Kirk''': I sure hope our new school's built better than this dump!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Smirk''': There ain't no one to stop us, so we can teach all we want!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': ''[as Tiff enters the classroom]'' What are you doing here?
:'''Dirk''': You got expelled from school.
:'''Smirk''': And we did the expellin'.
:'''Tiff''': I'm taking charge here and you're taking a hike. ''[Kirby, Tuff, and the Cappy kids are surprised]''
:'''Dirk''': You don't count so good for a math teacher.
:'''Kirk''': It's three against one!
:'''Tiff''': True... But I've got one brain and you three bullies haven't gotten any.
:'''Smirk''': Then let's have a toughness test!
:'''Tiff''': That's fine with me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%/&gt;
:'''Smirk''': You ain't such a bad brawler for a teacher. Too bad I gotta clobber ya.
:'''Tiff''': I hope you like to travel, because I'm gonna send you packing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': YAY!!!
:'''Tokkori''': HOORAY!!!
:'''Kirby''': POYO!!!
:'''Kirby, Tuff, and the Cappy kids''': ''[cheering]''
:'''Tiff''': No!
:''[Kirby, Tuff, and the Cappy kids gasp]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Maybe... but teachers are supposed to solve problems with their heads, not their hands. I wish I could figure out a way to reach even those three guys. To help them see learning's really interesting. When you goof off in school, you could be missing something really great and never even realize it. The most important job of the teacher is to help your students want to learn. It's really sad when you don't succeed. There are so many great things to discover in this world. School gives you the tools that can help you learn. But the most important tool of all is the curiosity inside us. Promise me that you guys will never give up trying to learn new things. Promise! That's... all, I guess.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''MT2''': Here we come, Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Aaah! School's out!
:'''Escargoon''': We failed again!
:'''King Dedede''': There's always next semester!

== [Episode 68] Delivery Dilemma ([Episode 68] 勝ち抜け! デリバリー時代) ==
:'''Tuff''': ''[brings out a nice hot bowl of ramen]'' Here, nice hot noodles.
:'''King Dedede''': Hot... noodles...? ''[steps closer to Tuff, laughing all the while, while quickly recovering from his red eyes of sleeplessness]'' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''THEY'S FINALLY HERE!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Thanks, kid. ''(takes the bowl of ramen before Dedede can grab it)''
:'''King Dedede''': Huh? ''[sees Escargoon eating the ramen and grabs him]'' You no-good noodle-nabber! ''[swipes the ramen bowl]''
:'''Escargoon''': ''[swipes his ramen bowl back]'' Hands off! I just ordered these for myself.
:'''King Dedede''': What's that?!
:'''Tuff''': That's right. He called 10 minutes ago.
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah? Well I ordered me a big bowl of noodles yesterday. ''[releases Escargoon]'' I thought mine got here first.
:'''Tuff''': Uh oh. I guess Kirby goofed up after all. Uh, be right back with your order! ''[runs off back to Restaurant Kawasaki]''
:'''King Dedede''': ''[angrily growls]'' I should've known it was Kirby, that nasty little pasta poacher! I'm gonna get me my own delivery dude so there ain't no more mess-up!

== [Episode 69] Trick or Trek ([Episode 69] ウィスピーの森のエコツアー)==
:'''Whispy Woods''': I will protect you for as long as I am able.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': We have to make sure they see our smoke signal.
:'''King Dedede''': This oughtta do the trick.
:''[suddenly, the fire they placed bursts into an even bigger one to their surprise, causing the nearby trees to catch fire much to Escargoon's shock]''
:'''Escargoon''': Ah! The whole forest could catch on fire.
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, great idea!
:'''Escargoon''': Huh?
:'''King Dedede''': We gotta clear out Whispy Woods for my golf course and this is the quick, easy way!
:'''Escargoon''': ''[smiles delightfully in response to Dedede's voiced idea]'' Your blazin' new trail, Sire!
:'''King Dedede''': And afterwards, there's gonna be a lotta charcoal 'round a useful barbecuein'!
:'''Escargoon''': Let's go! Before we get cooked... ''[he and Dedede are scared off by the flames, which have now grown bigger and are spreading quickly through the forest, causing a huge forest fire]''

== [Episode 70] Buccaneer Birdy ([Episode 70] トッコリ卿の伝説)==
:'''Tokkori''': So now we know I'm a noble. *chews* Guess I'll live with ya here at the castle, huh? *chews* I don't- *gulps* -mind. *chews* But I warn ya, I can't stand loud snorin' when I'm tryin' to sleep. I bet Blue Boy here snores even louder than Kirby, so ya better keep it quiet or you're gone!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Quit stallin' and hand over Tokkori's treasure now!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo!
:'''Escargoon''': That birdseed brain's out of luck. The king and I are goin' fifty-fifty!
:'''King Dedede''': Fool. I used it all to buy myself more monsters!
:'''Escargoon''': But sire...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': I guess Tokkori will always be Tokkori after all.

== [Episode 71] A Whale of a Tale ([Episode 71] 密着! ホエール・ウォッチング)==
:'''Kine''': SUSHI!?!?
:'''Kirby''': Sushi poyo!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': HEY!
:'''Tiff''': What's wrong?
:'''Tuff''': We saw what you're hiding down there. Nets and harpoons and stuff for catching whales!
:'''Kirby''': ''[angrily]'' Poyo!
:'''Tiff''': For catching whales?!
:'''King Dedede''': Aww. Guess we've been found out. Escargoon?
:'''Escargoon''': Aye aye, Sire. ''[presses a button and Dedede's boat reveals its true form as a whaling ship]''
:'''Tiff''': This isn't a tour boat. It's a whaling ship!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughing]'' Time to start whaling!

== [Episode 72] Waddle While You Work ([Episode 72] ワドルディ売ります) ==
:'''Tiff''': That's just horrible!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': What is?
:'''Tiff''': Taking advantage of those poor things!
:'''Curio''': Would you all rather they work for Dedede?
:'''Tiff''': Uh, well...
:'''Tuff''': Hey, Tiff, we never thought about that.
:'''Gengu''': After all, it's not as if we don't treat 'em right!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': This is hopeless.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waddle Doo''': Your Highness! Let go of the boy!
:'''Tiff''': He wants Dyna Chick for his dinner!
:'''King Dedede''': That's right, and I ain't givin' up this here bird no way no how!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I'll get you, Kirby! That's the last time you steal my dinner! YOU CHICKEN THIEF!

== [Episode 73] Dedede's Raw Deal ([Episode 73] まわれ! 回転寿司)==
:'''King Dedede''': This grub tastes grubby.
:'''Escargoon''': Ugh. If you eat fast, you won't notice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Your Majesty, I could use some financial help.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughs]'' I bet you want a loan!
:'''Escargoon''': That's an even riskier proposition than eating your food.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Why you? How dare you question His Majesty's integrity!? Why, he's as honest as the day is dark!
:'''Tiff''' &amp; '''Tuff''': Huh?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': This isn't news, it's a commerci- ''[hiccups and covers her mouth]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': This sushi monster's gonna clobber Kirby!
:'''Escargoon''': Yeah. It sure is well-armed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Kirby, listen up! ''[Kirby hiccups]'' If you don't get rid of those hiccups, you'll never be able to eat again!
:'''Kirby''': ''[Freaking Out]'' POYO!!!!! ''[Jumps and spins around to freshen up and his hiccups are gone]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Look, sire. it's raining calamari!
:'''King Dedede''': Great. I'm bankrupted in all I got is a lifetime supply of squid.
:'''Escargoon''': We're broke now. What do we do?
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': That's easy. We can use this with to make sushi. Right?
:''[Dedede and Escargoon crying]''

== [Episode 74] Caterpillar Thriller ([Episode 74] モスガバーの逆襲!) ==
:'''Escargoon''': Get it, Kirby! I can't take these sinus allergies anymore. ''[sneezes]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Island Sisters''': Mosugaba truly wants to live in peace. It is only attacking to set us free. But we can sing to Mosugaba to calm him down.

== [Episode 75] Fossil Fools - Part I ([Episode 75] 夢の恐竜天国! (前編)) ==
:'''King Dedede''': WHERE ALL THE DINOSAURS AT?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[reading Dedede's book about dinosaurs]'' Lots of folks say that dinosaurs is extunct, but I say the proof is in the pictures.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[screams]'' Look at that thing!
:'''King Dedede''': Looks kinda familiar!

== [Episode 76] Fossil Fools - Part II ([Episode 76] 夢の恐竜天国! (後編))==
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughs]'' Escarsaurus sure is a dino wimp, I'd say.
:'''Escargoon''': Give him all you've got, Escarsaurus! Tackle that tub of lard!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Buttercup''': ''[to Chief Bookem]'' That dinosaur has your face!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mabel''': Something about that dinosaur looks familiar.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mabel''': Have I gone mad, Samo, or did those dinosaurs look just like you and me?
:'''Samo''': They did indeed. But I must admit, I find you much prettier.
:'''Mabel''': I hope so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': That dinosaur looks just like me!
:'''Tuff''': She even has your personality!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirby''': Yaaaiie suikaa poyoo!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Doctor Moro''': It would be foolish to destroy my laboratory.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Hey, he looks just like me!
:'''Tuff''': It's a Kawasakisaurus!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Doctor Moro''': Thanks to your invaluable tip, Tiff, I have achieved what I believe to be my greatest creation. By using Star Warrior DNA, I have created the ULTIMATE MONSTER!! ''[evilly laughs and turns into a monster]''

== [Episode 77] Dedede's Monsterpiece ([Episode 77] ロイヤルアカデデデミー) ==
:'''King Dedede''': ''[points to a huge, cross-eyed version of himself]'' Right here, that's me. Since I'm what you'd call the star of this here paintin', I'm smack-dab in the middle! You'll note the perspecticles, and I put a big old impressionistic Sun ''[a red circle with lines coming off it]'' up there, see? ''[Points to his small castle, and a huge misshapen-looking Escargoon next to it]'' Right there is my castle, and right next to it is Escargoon. Note the lack of depth. ''[points to an awkwardly-angled version of Mayor Len Blustergas with noodle arms and two giant angry Pac-Man-like sheep behind him]'' This here's the Mayor being chased by his sheep. ''[points to a misshapen Kirby in the corner of the painting]'' And this here's Kirby. He's being chased by me! See, I drawed him all lumpy to express his inner lumpiness!
:'''Kirby''': ''[angrily hopping up and down]'' POYO! &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''POYOOOO!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

== [Episode 78] Right Hand Robot ([Episode 78] 発進! エスカルゴン・ロボ) ==
:'''King Dedede''': You must be cleaning this castle with your eye-shut. It's filthy! ''[He blows the dust at Escargoon]''
:'''Escargoon''': ''[coughing]'' I dust this dump every day! I can't be a full-time housekeeper and a full-time lackey.
:'''King Dedede''': Well, you better find a way you out of here.
:'''Escargoon''': But sire, I need this rotten job.
:'''King Dedede''': It's time for my massage.
:''[Escargoon massaging Dedede on a back, grunting]''
:'''King Dedede''': Quit wimpin' out. Pull a little muscle into.
:'''Escargoon''': How's this?
:'''King Dedede''': LOUSY! This is how you give a massage!
:'''Escargoon''': ''[screaming as Dedede stretching his arms ]'' Uncle! ''[thuds]'' That wasn't too relaxing.
:'''King Dedede''': Guess I'll have to pull harder next time. ''[laying down on a beach lounge chair]'' Fetch me a toothpick and my monster catalogue.
:''[Escargoon scowls]''
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Being serious]'' What you waiting for!?
:'''Escargoon''': Sorry, Sire. ''[He scurried]''
:'''King Dedede''': My monster catalogue.
:'''Escargoon''': Ugh. I've forgot. ''[He scurried again]''
:'''King Dedede''': Magnifying glasses.
:'''Escargoon''': Sorry, Sire. ''[He scurried once again]'' Here.
:'''King Dedede''': I want me a cup of tea. 
:'''Escargoon''': ''[He scurried again once more]'' Yes, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': Too cold.
:'''Escargoon''': Right. ''[He keep scurried]''
:'''King Dedede''': Too hot.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[He scurried slowly, panting]'' The king's running me ragged here. I wish he'd give me sometime off to take a trip. ''[He tripped on a carpet as the cup of tea spilled on his head, screamed in pain]'' Hotty! Hotty! Hotty! Hotty!
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon!
:'''Escargoon''': His Highness does care about me. Oh, Si..''[Getting hitted by Dedede's mallet]''
:'''King Dedede''': You spilled tea on my carpet!
:'''Escargoon''': But Sire, I'm bound to make mistakes when you overwork me and don't give me a break.
:'''King Dedede''': Well if you fooled up again I'll give you plenty of breaks from head to toe.
:'''Escargoon''': Hmph! You snail-driver! I'm tired of being harassed, tired of being insulted, and tired of being tired!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon! This your pea-brained idea of a joke?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escar-Droid''': MUST. CRUSH. KIRBY.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': I'll get you this time, Kirby!
:'''Meta Knight''': No, you won't! ''[slides into Escargoon and sends him flying into a tree]''

== [Episode 79] Goin' Bonkers ([Episode 79] ボンカースあらわる!) ==
:'''Bonkers''': Look for him.
:'''Mabel''': You want me to tell you Kirby's future?
:'''Bonkers''': Kirby, in here?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': Ha ha! I bet ya Kirby went on a banana-eatin' binge and gobbled up all his food supply!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': What? A gorilla hammering folks on a head?
:'''Waddle Doo''': I heard that if you don't give 'im money or bananas, he gets real mad, and that's when he strikes.
:'''Escargoon''': He sounds like a bill collector which means he'll come here for the nine million we owe N.M.E..
:'''King Dedede''': So how much would nine million be if we pay him in bananas?
:'''Escargoon''': Huh? I don't know the exchange rate for fruit.
:'''King Dedede''': Well, ain't no bullying bill collector gonna knock on my royal noggin'! Throw that gorilla into whose gal!
:'''Escargoon''': Let's hope he doesn't make a chimpanzee out of you. ''[Getting hitted by Dedede's mallet]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, Waddle Doo! Go and get that gorilla!
:'''Waddle Doo''': Let's move it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Kirby's in big trouble if that gorilla can track him down before we do.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Yeah! Why would a big gorilla be lookin' for Kirby?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bonkers''': Me want to train with Kirby.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': That's a ridiculous idea. Who ever heard of making a giant gorilla monster?

== [Episode 80] Power Ploy ([Episode 80] 強壮! ドリンク狂想曲) ==
:'''King Dedede''': Why, just last night I was working at my desk burning up the midnight oil!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Did... I just hear you say you were working?
:'''King Dedede''': Yep! I spent hours at my PC!
:'''Escargoon''': And he almost got it turned on, too! ''[laughs before getting hammered by Dedede]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Upwardly mobile types like us can easily get worn down. That's why we came up with a new energy-booster drink to keep you going like gangbusters round the clock. It's called Pump Up D!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Yeah! I have tons of energy! Ha-haha! I feel like Super Kawasaki! Up and away!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cappy patient''': Doctor... Isn't there anything you can do? I feel awful all over.
:'''Dr. Yabui''': There's no cure... unless you drink this Pump Up D!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Glu-gly-cero-poly-carbo-phosphate. This health drink is totally unhealthy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Triple D, this snake monster is guaranteed to rattle Kirby.

== [Episode 81] A Trashy Tale ([Episode 81] ドキッ! かたづけられない女)==
:'''Escargoon''': I can't tell if this is a throne room or a landfill.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Yabui''': It took me months and months to finish this article!! Grr... WHO DID THIS?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Yabui''': I'm messy, eh? Just wait 'til I get my hands on you! I'll show you messy! My paper's ruined!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Trash Basher, the garbage monster. This stinks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Yeah! We haven't seen Cleaning Kirby in ages!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[To Tuff]'' Don't laugh, you have to clean your room too!
:'''Tuff''': ''[Nervously Laughs]''
:'''Kirby''': ''[while Handing Tuff A Broom]'' Poyo, Poyo!
:'''Tuff''': Ah boy, what a dirty trick.

== [Episode 82] Cooking Up Trouble ([Episode 82] 合体ロボリョウリガーZ!)==
:'''Sword Kinght''': Blade?
:'''Blade Knight''': Ay?
:'''Sword Knight''': Smells delicious, don't it? Course' anything would smell good compared to Meta knight's cooking!
:''[Blade Knight speaks in foreign language]''
:'''Sword Knight''': You could say that again!
:'''Meta Knight''': ''[he enters from behind]'' Say what again?
:''[Sword and Blade turn around surprised]''
:'''Sword Knight''': Err... He was saying that your cooking... is beyond compare!
:''[Blade Knight responds in foreign language]''
:'''Meta Knight''': Hmm...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Listen everybody! You're going about this thing the wrong way. Those machines can't cook for you because the most important ingredient is missing. You can't make great food unless you use your heart. Cooking isn't about using all the latest technology. Your food will always be mediocre unless you care about what you make.

== [Episode 83] Teacher's Threat ([Episode 83] 魔獣教師3)==
:'''King Dedede''': It's time for me to face the fact that I may need some education.
:'''Escargoon''': Education won't help you. The mind's only a terrible thing to waste if you have one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': What are you brats gonna learn standing out here in the rain? How to get soggy?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': But this school doesn't have anything to do with cooking.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': That's okay. My cooking doesn't have anything to do with cooking either!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Chip''': I'm sorry, but in my classroom, everyone is equal, whether you're royalty or not. Let's try again, shall we, Dedede?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Chip''': Punishment won't help him learn. What Dedede could use is a bit of encouragement.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': If Mr. Chip could stay here in Cappy Town, I'd be the happiest girl alive. Mr. Chip is a wonderful man!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I need some down time so my brain could re-coagulate.

== [Episode 84] Mumbies Madness ([Episode 84] キュリオ氏の秘宝?) ==
:'''Tokkori''': You hear that weird noise over there? You go check it out and I'll go back to sleep.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prof. Curio''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''LEAVE HERE IMMEDIATELY!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; ''[his shouting sends Kirby into an immediate panic as the latter flees, and he laughs evilly as the relic he was excavating is unsealed]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prof. Curio''': It's none of your business! Get lost!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[about Professor Curio]'' But... why would he act so mean?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kabu''': Kirby. You must be careful. That monster will never stop attacking you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[reading]'' Mumbies are a good luck monster. Whoever finds one will become rich. Mumbies dwell underground by day, and know where many fabulous treasures are buried.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': The Mumbies are vicious monsters sent throughout the universe to hunt down and exterminate Star Warriors. When the containers that hold them are discovered, they are automatically unsealed, and they begin looking for Star Warriors to destroy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prof. Curio''': It wasn't until I re-examined that book today that I realized what the King had done. I can't believe he tricked me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Easy, Sire. This is a comedy show, not a reality series!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[seeing that Kirby has let the Mumbies get burned by the sun's rays]'' Kirby won!
:'''Escargoon''': And who's fault was that?
:''[Dedede screams in anger]''

== [Episode 85] A Sunsational Surprise/A Sunsational Puzzle ([Episode 85] まぼろしの紫外線!) ==
:'''Lady Like''': WRINKLES!?!? ''[looks at herself in the mirror and then screams]'' The sun ''(Inaudible)'' ''(to the viewer)'' Stop staring at me! My face is looking like a prune! ''(screams)'' Call the plastic surgeon!
:'''Sir Ebrum''': Aren't you overreacting, dear?

== [Episode 86] A Chow Challenge ([Episode 86] 弟子対決! コックナゴヤ)==
:'''Chef Nagoya''': You really have made progress as a chef, Kawasaki. This is quite tasty!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I don't want Nagoya to find out that I still can't cook!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': If that guy studied with Kawasaki, then he's gotta be a graduate of the institute of indigestion!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': He took cookin' lessons with Kawasaki!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': We're doing our best, but Nightmare Enterprises deals in monsters, not in groceries. It may take a little time, Triple-D.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Nagoya''': Your crazy cuisine has won that little Star Warrior's heart and stomach. Kirby would never be happy eating my food. It's way too bland for his taste!

== [Episode 87] Waste Management ([Episode 87] 襲撃! カラスの勝手軍団) ==
:'''Crowmon''': You lied to me! You said you'd give us all we can eat. But the trash is gone and we're still hungry!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crowmon''': You will never get away!

== [Episode 88] Shell-Shocked ([Episode 88] はだかのエスカルゴン) ==
:'''Tiff''': Shell collecting is fun, but it can also be quite educational. Some creatures like clams have two shells that are connected. Other creatures just have a single shell.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[sneezes]'' Somethin' around here's got my allergies acting up.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughs]'' Just don't sneeze on the grill! I'm cookin' top shell! ''[he take a mouthful of topshell and he chewing]'' Maaaan! Is that ever hot! But tasty. Here, you wanna try one?
:'''Escargoon''': Not if they taste like they smell.
:'''King Dedede''': Not even one?
:'''Escargoon''': I don't like shellfish.
:'''King Dedede''': Bet you never tasted ones like these here. Come on!
:'''Escargoon''': Eugh... No! ''[exclaims]''
:'''King Dedede''': Guess that just means more top shells for me! ''[some empty topshells fell on a ground after he ate them all]'' Boy, oh, boy, that does a belly good!
:''[Waddle Dees clean some other topshells and except one who fell, and then Dedede imagine of this topshell]''
:'''King Dedede''': An empty shell. Get outta that shell right now!
:''[Escargoon screaming]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Come back here, Escargoon! I wanna see what you been hiding underneath that shell of yours!
:'''Escargoon''': You're crazy! It's not open to the public!
:'''King Dedede''': Slow down, so I can get a crack at it! ''[He tried to a mallet to Escargoon's shell, but it missed, Escargoon laughs]'' Grrr!! Come here!
:'''Escargoon''': ''[jumps]'' Oh! How dare you try to hit me! ''[jumps again]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[laughs]'' Methinks the king is out of shape. Well, ''adieu''. ''[chuckles, leaves with suavity]''
:''[Dedede however, was never tired, and tricked Escargoon. He then hammers his shell from behind, Escargoon screaming in shocked]''
:'''Escargoon''': Sneak attack!
:'''King Dedede''': I'm crackin' your shell open and havin' a look!
:''[Escargoon screams, his shell is about to slightly cracks]''
:'''King Dedede''': Ah-ha!
:'''Escargoon''': Huh?
:'''King Dedede''': ''[he points on Escargoon's shell]'' Hey, it's startin' to open up!
:'''Escargoon''': ''[screaming]'' It is? Everything looks okay to me?
:'''King Dedede''': I always knew you was a little bit cracked. Now you're more cracked than before! ''[laughs]''
:'''Escargoon''': You may find this amusing but I don't! ''[groans]'' I just hope I don't catch pneumonia.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At Doctor Yabui's clinic, Escargoon gets his fractured shell looked at by Doctor Yabui]''
:'''Dr. Yabui''': Oh...yes I see...my goodness.
:'''Escargoon''': Your goodness what, doc?
:'''Dr. Yabui''': Bad news. there's a fracture in your shell.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[gasps]'' Well don't just sit there, fix it!
:'''Dr. Yabui''': I'm afraid there's nothing I can do
:''[Escargoon whimpers in terror]''
:'''Dr. Yabui''': It can't be repaired.
:'''Escargoon''': You're joking!
:'''Dr. Yabui''': It might even get bigger.
:'''Escargoon''': THIS CAN'T BE!!!''[His shell cracks once more, Tiff and Tuff gasped. Whimpering in terror, he sees behind his shell cracking again, cries]'' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''PLEASE HELP ME!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Tiff''': That's tough.
:'''Tuff''': Don't get excited, Escargoon! It's only a shell.
:'''Escargoon''': Don't tell me no to get excited, kid. My whole world's falling apart!
:''[Escargoon is suddenly interrupted by Dedede shows up in the limousine to exacerbate things further]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, Yabui. No use hiding Escargoon! ''[He barges into Yabui's clinic]'' Come on out! I know you here some-place. And I'm gonna find ya. ''[He tries to open the door]'' It's me, Escargoonie-goo. Open up this here door. I'm your best pal, ain't I? I won't hurt you.
:'''Escargoon''': Go away. I can't see you now. I'm studying for a blood test.
:'''King Dedede''': I'm real worried about you, so please open up, little buddy? ''[He pulls out his mallet]'' In fact...I'll open it for you! Stand back, buddy! ''[He hits a door with a his mallet]''
:'''Escargoon''': He wants to smash my shell to pieces! ''[He barricades the door]''
:'''King Dedede''': Now ain't you gonna let me in there or ain'cha?
:'''Escargoon''': ''[grunts]'' Uh-uh! ''[His shell cracks again, then he screaming in terror]''
:'''Tiff''': Stop that! Haven't you done enough?! Don't you know Escargoon needs his shell to protect his body?!
:'''King Dedede''': Protect his body?
:'''Dr. Yabui''': That's right. Without his shell, Escargoon would be completely exposed.
:''[Tuff laughing]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey! What what that looks like...''[He imagines what Escargoon would look like without his &quot;clothes&quot; on, which is reference by [[w:The Birth of Venus|The Birth of Venus]]]'' ''Am I being disrespectful? Should I leave Escargoon alone?'' Probably but I ain't a' going to. Now show me what you hiding under that there shell!
:'''Escargoon''': I'm never showing nothing to nobody!
:'''Tiff, Tuff, and Dr. Yabui''': Nobody?
:'''Escargoon''': Why do I suddenly feel like a &lt;big&gt;'''SCIENTIST EXPERIMENT!?'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[When Dedede busts the door with his mallet]'' I'm not letting you in this door!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[He continue busting the door with his mallet for several times]'' Let me in!
:'''Escargoon''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''GO AWAY!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; Help me.
:'''King Dedede''': Here I come! ''[He smash the door down. He does so and breaks the shell completely]''
:'''Escargoon''': That did it!
:''[All exclaims, and Kirby close the Escargoon's shell]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey! You get off of that! You can't park it there!
:'''Tiff''': Stay right where you are! Now you've done it! You've split Escargoon's shell apart!
:'''Escargoon''': I never felt so violated! I lost my dignity!
:'''King Dedede''': Now you just relax whilst I have myself a little look-see here!
:'''Escargoon''': Don't let him touch me!
:'''King Dedede''': You know you're gonna have to show me sooner or later.
:'''Escargoon''': How about later? Much later.
:''[Dedede chases Escargoon around, both yelling]''
:'''King Dedede''': As your king, is it my royal right to see what you got under that shell and I ain't quit 'til I get a peek! ''[As he steps on Escargoon's tail, Escargoon screams as Kirby falls off. Escargoon grab and pull the tail offs and his so the shell falls off, but it closed again]'' Oh no!
:'''Escargoon''': Thank goodness.
:'''Kirby''': Po-yay?
:'''Tiff''': Leave Escargoon alone! Don't you think you've caused enough trouble for him already?!
:'''King Dedede''': Not really. I think I could cause a lot more trouble.
:'''Tiff''': You broke his shell in the first place, so you better find him a new one!
:'''Escargoon''': And fast!
:'''King Dedede''': Find him a new shell, huh? That's a great idea!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Sure thing, King! In fact, we have a monstrous new line of mollusc-wear that is guaranteed to bring out the beast if you know what I mean.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': With my new remote-controlled spy fly, I'll get me a real bug's eye view! ''[He uses the Grasshopper Eavesdropper to take a peek at the Escargoon in a changing-tent]''
:'''Escargoon''': How humiliating...''[He pick up with the tin-pan]'' This one looks too small, but I'll try it on anyway,
:'''King Dedede''': This is it! Yeah! Let see!!
:'''Escargoon''':  ''[Moans, but he noticed Grasshopper Eavesdropper spying on him and he screaming in shocked, smashes it with the tin-pan]'' SPY ON ME, WILL YA!?
:'''King Dedede''': It's busted! Now my undercover bug can't spy on that slug!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': So? Making like top-shell, huh? You lucky I didn't fricasse you!
:'''Escargoon''': Yeah, well you came close enough!
:'''Tiff''': Escargoon's just wearing this, while we're trying to fix up this regular shell!
:'''King Dedede''': Oh! Now I get it.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''King Dedede''': You hog! You ate my tender delicious topshell before I got to it!
:'''Escargoon''': That shell was empty when I put it on, you blowhard!
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, that reminds me!...I still ain't seen what you been hiding under that shell!
:''[Escargoon exclaims]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[laughs in evilly]'' It's too late now.
:'''King Dedede''': New shell or no new shell, I still wanna see what you hiding underneath here!
:'''Escargoon''': It's no use, but give it a shot, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': ALRIGHT!!! ''[He attempts to break it open, but to no avail]'' It's too hard.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': All that pounding is giving me a pounding headache!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maimaigoon''': This shell makes me invincible...and powerful!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maimaigoon''': ''[to Kirby as he fires his lighting beams]'' You're finished, Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': For a snail, he's pretty quick.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Hold on! I think there's another crack in that there!
:'''Escargoon''': The only thing cracked in this room is you, you wacko!
:'''King Dedede''': Just one little-itty-bitty peek?
:'''Escargoon''': You keep your paws off of me! HELP!
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon, please!?
:'''Escargoon''': Buzz off, you creep!

== [Episode 89] Tooned Out ([Episode 89] オタアニメ! 星のフームたん)==
:'''Escargoon''': Tiff can't be the hero! She's a bad guy!
:'''King Dedede''': There's only room for one hero on my show and that's me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Biggy''': She's so awesome, she deserves her own animated series.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bony''': Why don't we make her the hero?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boys''': Roses are red. Violets are blue. Here we come, Tiff. We're gonna draw you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sleepy''': We need more recordings of her voice to use in the cartoon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': You guys shouldn't stick around taking my pictures without permission.
:'''Sleepy''': She looks good she's mad.
:'''Bony''': Those lying visitor but totally fears.
:'''Biggy''': She's sure is gonna lot a fun you are.
:'''Boys''': ''[to Tiff]'' Cutie.
:'''Tiff''': ''[gasps]'' Don't call me that! Why don't you guys show a little originality and invent your own cartoon character instead of picking on me?! &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''I DON'T WANT TO BE A CARTOON STAR!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Boys''': Did you say &quot;so sorry&quot;?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Alright, boys, I'm sending you the ace of all animators. Allow me to introduce the legendary Dis Walney! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dis Walney''': Hmm, the scene needs more excitement. I need more energy, King!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Anige''': Now I'm going to delete your friend Kirby permanently!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Hey, it's morning.
:'''Tiff''': And there's still no cartoon.
:''[Dedede and Escargoon exclaiming in shocked]''
:'''King Dedede''': If we don't put a cartoon on I'll be flat broke!
:'''Escargoon''': But sire, there's only 5 minutes left to go!
:'''King Dedede''': Whoever said &quot;the show must go on&quot; didn't know us!
:''[Dedede and Escargoon hugged as they crying and Tuff laughs]''
:'''Tiff''': Too bad those professional animators couldn't help you.
:'''Both''': ''[stopped crying]'' Huh? What'd you say?
:'''King Dedede''': So, let's go!
:'''Escargoon''': There's still hope.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Well, guys?
:'''Sleepy''': It wasn't easy, dude, but we did it.
:'''Biggy''': We had to draw it really fast.
:'''Bony''': But it's way cool!
:'''King Dedede''': Who cares? It's done!
:'''Escargoon''': 10 seconds left!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': That doesn't look like you, sire.
:'''King Dedede''': There's something about that girly are looked saw that familiar!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Is that airhead really supposed to be me?!
:'''Biggy''': Yeah. Except, she's not short like you.
:'''Tiff''': Yeah, I'm short alright. ''(furious growl)'' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''AND SO'S MY TEMPER!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

== [Episode 90] Born to Be Mild - Part I ([Episode 90] 爆走! デデデス・レース (前編))==
:'''Rip''': The name's Rip. Sorry to wake ya, officer!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Both coughing]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, what's the idea sticking up the hand here!?
:'''Escargoon''': Yeah, who do you think you are? King Dedede?
:'''King Dedede''': You're in big trouble!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': That biker gang could strike again at any time! We've got to have a plan to defend ourselves!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': We're not gonna let you mess up Cappy Town!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Turbo''': My name's Turbo. Allow me to introduce our fearless leader: Fang!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fang''': First we gotta find a dude named Steppenwolf, but then we'll take care of Kirby for ya.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gus''': One of them bikers is an old friend of mine. You see, I used to belong to a motorcycle gang.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''NME Sales Guy''': Now hold up, Highness. Have you considered beating them with a track attack... by having a race? Of course, you'll need a place to race! That's expensive, but Nightmare Enterprises could be the sponsor!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': We gonna have a big race at the brand spankin' new DDD Speedway!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': It looks like Fang's racing circles around Kirby and the rest of the Cappy crew! Can the friends defeat the gang without Gus? Find out next time, on ''Kirby: Right Back at Ya!''

== [Episode 91] Born to Be Mild - Part II ([Episode 91] 爆走! デデデス・レース (後編))==
:'''Fang''': Just wait, Kirby. I'll finish you off later! Right now, I wanna make sure I win this race.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Melman''': You caused a lot of trouble when you were younger, but this is your chance to make up for it. Take that chance while you still can!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': That punk jockey ain't got a chance of beatin' Fang now!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': That grease monkey must've got out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Listen! According to this chemical analysis, the fuel in Fang's motorcycle couldn't have come from this planet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': What a surprise! It looks like our bad boy biker has been de-fanged by a rough-riding old-timer with a need for speed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Melman''': You can say all you want, Tiff. The important thing is that Fang is gone. Ooh, am I gonna be sore tonight...

== [Episode 92] Hunger Struck ([Episode 92] ワドルディの食文化大革命)==
:'''Escargoon''': Sire! Sire! You won't believe with those Waddle Dees! I just left him in the dining hall!
:'''King Dedede''': Good, don't bring him in here cause it might kill my appetite.
:'''Escargoon''': While you slurp that slot the Waddles Dees are having the feast. It's a gourmet meal with four different courses fit for a king.
:''[Dedede becomes enraged and he throw the cup of ramen noodles to Escargoon's face]''
:'''King Dedede''': If it's fit for a king, how come I ain't gettin' any?! Grrr!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[A Waddle Dee Eats A Cookie]''
:'''King Dedede''': No Way!
:'''Escargoon''': It adsorbed the cookie!
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, how'd it do that? It's munchin' alright...
:'''Escargoon''': Wonder how it flosses...
:'''King Dedede''': That's weird.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waddle Doo''': ''[to the Waddle Dees]'' The king's so stingy he put us on a starvation diet! Now our stomachs cry out for vengeance!
:''[cut to King Dedede and Escargoon being chased by angry Waddle Dees]''
:'''King Dedede''': We in trouble! My own guards is out to get me!
:'''Escargoon''': I've heard of hunger strikes before, but this is ridiculous!

== [Episode 93] D'Preciation Day ([Episode 93] カービィ感謝の日!) ==
:'''Tiff''': I know Dedede can be mean and nasty and selfish, but deep down, he really just wants to be loved. If we gave him a present, maybe he'd feel loved, and change his ways.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': I think you'd be a much better candidate for something like &quot;Take Your Tyrant to Lunch Day!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Nobody 'round here appreciates me, so I'm gonna start up a brand new tradition in Dream Land! There gonna be no more appreciation days. From now on, we only celebrating Dis Days!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waddle Doo''': Sorry, Kawasaki! King's orders!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Looks like Tiff's trying to disrupt Dis Day.
:'''King Dedede''': Just wait 'til she finds out who we dissin' next.
:''[Dedede and Escargoon break out laughing]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': 10. 9. 8.
:'''Escargoon''': 7. 6. 5. 4. 3.
:'''Tiff''': Spit it out, Kirby!
:'''King Dedede''': Here...
:'''Escargoon''': We...
:'''Both''': GO!!!
:''[Kirby's face becomes red and glows, and he then starts to spit gray smoke from his mouth, at such a force and speed that he is sent flying up in the air while spitting out more smoke]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Dedede's gone too far this time!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': I think he's rotten no matter how deep down you go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waddle Doo''': A message for you, Sire!
:'''King Dedede''': Who's it from?
:'''Escargoon''': It's from Tiff. She's inviting us to Kirby's memorial service.
:'''King Dedede''': His what?
:'''Escargoon''': I regret to inform you that Kirby is gone. We're gathering to bid farewell to him this afternoon. Please join us to pay your last respects.
:''[Both exclaims]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[King Dedede and Escargoon crying about Kirby's funeral]''
:'''King Dedede''': It's all our fault!
:'''Escargoon''': Forgive us, Kirby! That prank was His Majesty's idea, but I was the one who came up with the time bomb part! For once I wish I wasn't so brilliant!
:'''King Dedede''': Now I wish you was dumb as me!
:'''Escargoon''': How did that work possible? 
:'''King Dedede''': I never would have played that prank If I don't know this was gonna happen. I wish I could take it all back!
:'''Tiff''': Unfortunately, it's too late.
:'''King Dedede''': But there's got to be something I can do.
:'''Tiff''': You can't do start by promising not to play any more practical jokes on your subjects!
:'''King Dedede''': I PROMISE!! ''[crying]'' Here, Kirby. This one ain't got no time bomb.
:'''Tiff''': I'm sure he'd like that a lot.
:'''King Dedede''': I MISS YOU KIRBY OL' BUDDY! ''[cries]''
:'''Tiff''': I think Dedede is really sorry.
:'''Mayor Len''': I agree.
:'''Tuff''': Looks like he learned his lesson.
:''[Kirby hops out of the grave in order to eat the watermelon left for him. Dedede and Escargoon screams]''
:'''King Dedede''': He even got a hungry ghost!
:'''Tiff''': Oh, Kirby.
:''[Tuff groans]''
:'''Escargoon''': Kirby's not a ghost. The runt's still alive! A-ha! You were all playing a trick on His Majesty, weren't ya?
:'''King Dedede''': ''[whimpers as he cries]'' I'M GLAD HE'S OKAY!!!
:'''Escargoon''': You are?
:'''King Dedede''': It was dull bein' ruler of Dream Land before you came along. I need me an enemy!
:'''Tuff''': The king really has changed. 
:'''Tiff''': In his own twisted way he cares about Kirby.
:'''King Dedede''': Kirby...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waddle Doo''': The card says: This is Chuckie. Made especially for Kirby by Nightmare Enterprises.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Every day's Kirby appreciation day.
:'''Waddle Doo''': You've got a card, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': Huh? Somebody appreciates me too.
:'''Escargoon''': Here. Let's see. It's a bill from Nightmare Enterprises. They want 9 million D-Bills for that monster.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[whimpers as he cries]'' THERE ONLY APPRECIATED MY MONEY!!

== [Episode 94] The Thing About the Ring ([Episode 17] パームとメームの指輪物語) ==
:'''Tiff''': ''(to Sir Ebrum)'' How come you always act so weird on your anniversary? I don't get it. It's the same thing every time.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': There you are, my twinkling little treasures. I bet none of you's made of glass. Little does King Greedede know I've been collecting you glittery goo-gahs for years!

== [Episode 95] A Dental Dilemma ([Episode 32] 歯なしにならないハナシ)==
:'''Tiff''': Oh, please. I've had toothaches funnier than King Dedede.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': That's easy for him to say. PLEASE DON'T PULL MY TEETH OUT, DOCTOR!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': That maniac drilled so deep, I thought he was gonna strike oil.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': You could get cavities too, you know.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughs]'' My choppers is way too powerful to get conquered by cavities.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lady Like''': Tuff. I want you to brush your teeth before you go to bed tonight. You too, Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': But, Sire, you have to get that tooth filled.
:'''Dedede''': Ain't no way you gonna drag me there! I'd rather dive head-first into the Booma-Dooma Volcano!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Doctor Yabui won't hurt you, Sire.
:'''Dedede''': He had you shrieking like a smoke detector!

== [Episode 96] Cowardly Creature ([Episode 94] 脱走魔獣ファンファン) ==
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I can assure you we're not responsible, Triple-D. The escapee was part of our &quot;Young Monsters of the Future&quot; program. The training facility is secure, but it looks like somebody found a way to break into our computer system and sent one of our horrible hopefuls free.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I'm me, alrighty! I think it's about time to extra-cise my kingly duties and protect my subjects!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': In fact, I can assure you that the King is totally irresponsible!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': That poor thing's afraid! We have to do something!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Sire, what if he turns into Hammer Kirby?!
:'''King Dedede''': Now don't do nothin' rash! We yer friends, Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Whoa! That monster must be huge!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': I wish I knew why Phan Phan's so frightened all the time. I've never seen a monster act like this before.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Whippy''': Hitti hitti!

== [Episode 97] Frog Wild ([Episode 95] デビル・カービィ!)==
:'''Hana''': I don't know what's gotten into Kirby, but something has.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prof. Curio''': ''[crying]'' Oh no... how could you? My relics are just a pile of rubble now. Why did he come in here and smash them all? Why, Kirby?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuggle''': ''[crying]'' I'm always nice to Kirby! Why would he wanna do 'dis?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mabel''': What is wrong, Kirby? You do not seem to be your perky-pink self today.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': There has to be a misunderstanding. Kirby's a Star Warrior, not a juvenile delinquent!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': He done WHAT?!
:'''Escargoon''': Kirby's smashing up Cappy Town like a pink wrecking ball!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughs]'' He sees it's more fun to be a heel than a hero! But there's only room for one mischief-maker in this kingdom, and that's me!
:'''Escargoon''': Well now the Cappies are more scared of Kirby than they are you, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': Say what?
:'''Escargoon''': Maybe they're just afraid of Kirby because he's a dynamic-demonic ball of fire, and you're just a big bellied out of shape ball of blubber! ''[gets hit it with Dedede's mallet]''
:'''King Dedede''': Now you're out of shape. I'm checking this out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Oh, hello, Kirby. Come on in. I got some leftover turkey jerky hash if you want... Where you goin'? You don't have to have the hash. I can cook anything you want me to. Ah! You just name it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': He does look kind of scary.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[laughs]'' Who knew a half pint could be so horrifying?
:'''King Dedede''': I ain't gonna let that pipsqueak out leave me! ''[He jumps out of limousine]''
:'''Escargoon''': Wait, what are you gonna do!?
:'''King Dedede''': I'm gonna prove I'm more troublesome than Kirby is! 
:'''Escargoon''': Sire, I was only kidding!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[He enters in Kawasaki's restaurant]'' Hey you there, gumball!
:''[Kirby's evil state up-close for himself and Dedede gasped]''
:'''Escargoon''': You're much worse than Kirby. 
:''[Kirby's evil state up-close for himself, Escargoon screams and hides behind Dedede]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Forget it, Kirby ain't no threat to you Cappies. Why he's as harmless as a horse-fly!
:'''Tiff''': Yeah, anyone who knows Kirby knows that he wants to help us, not hurt us.
:'''King Dedede''': It's true. Why that goody-goody ain't got a bad bone in his body.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': ''[After Demon Kirby set the fire on Kawasaki's restaurant]'' Why, Kirby!? Why!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief Bookem''': He destroyed headquarters...
:''[King Dedede's limousine explodes within Chief Bookem's police station]''
:'''King Dedede''': There goes my limo!
:'''Escargoon''': Thanks, Kirby.
:'''King Dedede''': Now what am I gonna drive?
:'''Chief Bookem''': They're wiped out.
:''[All the cappies talking at once]''
:'''Tuff''': I can't believe this.
:'''Tokkori''': I always knew Kirby was trouble, but this takes the cake. That boy's gone ballistic!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief Bookem''': Attention all Cappies! Stay inside your homes! Keep your doors locked, and your windows shut! Kirby's on the loose!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At night, Dedede's castle]''
:'''King Dedede''': ''[offscreen]'' I ain't gonna let Kirby show me up.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': This is a surprise, D-Meister. Why the late night call?
:'''King Dedede''': Tell me who's the baddest bad guy in Dreamland?!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Is that a trick question?
:'''King Dedede''': You're supposed to say it's me!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I'd agree with that.
:'''King Dedede''': Well then Cappies thinks it's Kirby!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': No, how come? ''[As Dedede growls]''
:'''King Dedede''': '''HE SMASHED UP CAPPY TOWN!!'''
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': But Kirby's a good guy.
:'''Escargoon''': He's tearing through this kingdom on a debris spree!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''[laughs]'' Sounds to me like Kirby found your Demon Frog.
:'''King Dedede''': My Demon Frog?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Don't you recall the monster you ordered a couple months back? ''[imitates frog noises]''
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah. Now I remember that frog.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Majesty, that frog is a hoppin' horror show!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': If the Demon Frog really is inside Kirby, then there's no way he can be held responsible for attacking Cappy Town, because it was really the Demon Frog forcing him to do it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': We must find a way to make that Demon Frog leave Kirby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waddle Doo''': Sire! Emergency! Kirby's attacking the castle!
:'''King Dedede''': He is?! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Kirby! I told you to knock it off!
:''[Demon Kirby is still beating up Dedede and the Waddle Dees]''
:'''Tiff''': '''FOR THE LAST TIME! STOP, KIRBY!!!!'''
:''[The Demon Frog momentarily loses control of Kirby]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[after letting the Demon Frog after he transforms himself into Demon Dedede]'' You puny peewees better be scared, 'cause I'm the baddest dude on the whole planet!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': YOU BETTER LEAVE KIRBY ALONE!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': You should teach those two a lesson.
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, they're always scheming against you!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''Tiff''': It's time to give them both a taste of their own medicine!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''King Dedede''': Step away, Escargoon! ''[He kicks Escargoon on a ground and he run away]''
:'''Escargoon''': Wait, Sire! I'm a coward too!

== [Episode 98] Cappy Town Down ([Episode 98] 発進! 戦艦ハルバード) ==
:''[Kirby and friends arrive to find Cappy Town a smoldering wreck and thousands of Cappies homeless]''
:'''Tiff''': Oh, Tuff... This is terrible. The whole place was destroyed when that spaceship attacked. There's no Cappy Town left.
:'''Tuff''': I don't believe it.
:'''Tokkori''': Folks are sayin' this is your fault.
:''[Kirby lowers his head and lets out a sad Poyo. The Cappies turn to Kirby to try to take out their grief on him]''
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': When your ship crashed, we welcomed you to Cappy Town and now we're paying for it, Kirby.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Yeah. We lost everything because of you!
:'''Tuggle''': It was a mistake to let you live here.
:'''Buttercup''': Maybe it's time for you to move on.
:'''Gengu''': Yeah, this is all your fault, Kirby!
:''[Kirby lets out another sad Poyo, only for his friends to step in and defend him]''
:'''Tiff''': This isn't Kirby's fault. It's Dedede's fault!
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, what about all the times Kirby came to our rescue?
:'''Chief Bookem''': He sure didn't save us this time.
:'''Hana''': That's why we don't have a place to live anymore.
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': Cappy Town is in ruins.
:'''Melman''': There's not a mailbox left in the whole town.
:'''Samo''': It's a fine mess Kirby's got us in.
:'''Tiff''': Well this isn't gonna solve anything.
:'''Tuff''': Yeah! Now's the time to work together!
:''[The Cappies are questioning in a confused state while Tiff growls. Then she proudly grunts]''
:'''Tiff''': Come on! We can't give up now! Remember, we've been through tough times before. We'll pull through this one too!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo!
:'''Chief Bookem''': We just don't know what we should do, Tiff.
:'''Tiff''': Meta Knight will tell us. He wants to meet with all of us up in the castle.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': It's a phone.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': That isn't just an ordinary phone, Your Majesty. ''[Dedede's phone starts ringing with a familiar-sounding ringtone, and Dedede opens his phone to find Kirby and another familiar-sounding ringtone, this one being a remix of the theme song]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, what's that pink stinker doing in there?!
:'''Escargoon''': And what's with that annoying music?!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''(laughs)'' Nobody would ever suspect that you'd use a Kirby phone to call Nightmare Enterprises.
:'''King Dedede''': Great idea!
:'''Escargoon''': I wouldn't be surprised if we even get stuck with a phone bill.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[about the Halberd]'' Hey, what is that damn thing?
:'''Escargoon''': Sire, how am I supposed to know? But whatever it is, I think our friend at Nightmare Enterprises would be very interested in it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': The coming battle may well determine the fate of the galaxy.
:'''Tiff''': We can't give up without a fight.
:'''King Dedede''': Meta Knight, you's a dirty double-crosser! You've got some nerve building this here battleship in my basement!
:'''Escargoon''': And what's with this &quot;fate of the galaxy&quot; mumbo jumbo? You got that helmet on too tight?
:'''Meta Knight''': You still have a chance to join forces with us before it is too late.
:'''King Dedede''': Lemme see inside of that ship first.
:''(the door to the inside of the Halberd opens)''
:'''Meta Knight''': Follow me. I will take you to the bridge.
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah, I'd like to push you off one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': This is catastrophic.
:'''Samo''': How can we survive, Meta Knight?
:'''Prof. Curio''': Maybe we should just get rid of Kirby.
:'''Meta Knight''': Listen to me. eNeMeE is not just after Kirby. He will not stop until he controls the entire universe! We must all try to stop him!
:'''Tiff''': That's what this battleship's for, right?
:'''Tuff''': We can battle eNeMeE from inside here.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''Mabel''': This sounds crazy.
:'''Meta Knight''': The odds are against us, but you must decide now! I need a crew. Will you stand up and fight with me?
:''[the Cappies recoil in fear]''
:'''Samo''': You want us to fight?!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I'm a chef, not a soldier!
:'''Meta Knight''': I cannot fly this ship alone. Are there no brave volunteers? Chief Bookem!
:'''Chief Bookem''': Ah, I'd like to help, but I'm a lawman, not an airman.
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': I'm too old to volunteer.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I think I left my oven on!
:'''Mabel''': My crystal ball needs polishing!
:'''Gus''': Gotta go pump some gas!
:'''Prof. Curio''': Good luck, Meta Knight!
:''[the Cappies run out of the Halberd in terror]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Hey there, D. What's shakin'?
:'''King Dedede''': ME! You just blowed up my monster transmitter!
:'''Escargoon''': And you nearly got us, too!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Kirby doesn't stand a chance without help.
:''[the Cappies turn around and notice Kit Cosmos]''
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Well what're you waitin' for? We can't let a Star Warrior battle alone!
:'''Samo''': Who is he?
:'''Mabel''': I don't know, but he could use a shave.
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Sergeant Kit Cosmos! I served with Meta Knight and the Star Warrior force and I'm reportin' for duty.
:'''Iro''': Tiff told us about you.
:'''Honey''': He's a big hero.
:'''Spikehead''': You live on that island.
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Kirby and his squad found me there, and when they went home, I chose to stay. But now I've come to help Kirby take on eNeMeE. All right then, who's ready to fight alongside me?
:'''Samo''': He certainly is a tough cookie.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Yeah. Even tougher than my cookies.
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Will you stand alongside me, or are you a cowering coward?
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': We can't fight, Sergeant.
:'''Prof. Curio''': We're not soldiers.
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Not soldiers? Is that a reason for you to stand there and do nothin'?! Kirby's riskin' his life to save your planet, and it's your duty to help him!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Look who's here.
:'''Tiff''': Sergeant Cosmos!
:'''Kit Cosmos''': I'd never miss a fight if I can help it. ''[Meta Knight steps out to greet him]'' Meta Knight sir!
:'''Meta Knight''': What brings you here?
:'''Kit Cosmos''': I may be a soldier who's over the hill, but I'm proud to serve one last time, if you'll have me.
:'''Meta Knight''': I will.
:'''Kit Cosmos''': It'll be an honor, sir.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I can mess up the mess hall, so count me in too!
:'''Dr. Yabui''': You'll need a medic.
:'''Gus''': And I've got the muscle to tune this baby up for ya!
:'''Tiff''': Thanks, guys! But not all of us can go.
:'''Tuff''': Yeah. Somebody's gotta stay behind to start rebuilding Cappy Town.
:'''Prof. Curio''': Hmmm. We never thought of that, did we?
:'''Gengu''': Yeah, I guess you're... ''[the area around them shakes again]''
:'''Sword Knight''': All volunteers on board.
:'''Blade Knight''': ''*mumbling*'' Help Kirby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Hey, sire. What were you supposed to do again?
:'''King Dedede''': I was supposed to plant this here time bomb on the ship.
:'''Escargoon''': We weren't supposed to be on the ship, were we?
:'''King Dedede''': Aaah! Get me outta here!

== [Episode 99] Combat Kirby ([Episode 99] 撃滅! ナイトメア大要塞) ==
:'''Sword Knight''': Don't worry. She'll be fine. This ship's made to move at hyper speeds.
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, but none of us are.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': Some wormhole. I don't see no worms nowhere.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Our sensors go to have picked up some sort of battleship coming out of a wormhole one light year away. It appears that Kirby and Meta Knight have decided to attack us with their puny little battle barge.
:'''Nightmare''': They are growing desperate. They'll realize I have them beaten. I was hoping they'd be foolish enough to attack, so I've prepared a surprise for them.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': The capsule's set, sir. I'll send it on its way. ''[sends out a capsule containing Heavy Lobster]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Cooking this space food is as easy as boiling water!
:'''Samo''': This is the first time I ever enjoyed Kawasaki's cooking.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Can I boil you some dessert?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Yabui''': Rather dull up here. When I don't have any patients to see, I get rather impatient.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Isn't there any place we can go to get away from you two?
:'''Tiff''': I should've guessed you'd try and stow away.
:'''Escargoon''': We have a right to be here, sister!
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah, this ship was built on my property.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': What are you doing here?!
:'''King Dedede''': I'm comin' along to give you all a helping hand! I'm sick and tired of eNeMeE sending me all them defective monsters!
:'''Escargoon''': What else can we say? We're disgruntled.
:'''King Dedede''': I'm gonna show them crooked creepos that they've done ripped off this here king for the last time!
:'''Tiff''': Well we don't believe a word you say!
:'''Meta Knight''': Do your duty, Chief.
:'''Chief Bookem''': I'm lockin' you up as non-combatant detainees.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': You think he was trying to tell me something.
:'''Escargoon''': He did sound awfully final.
:''[King Dedede and Escargoon screaming in shocked. And they hugged in panicking]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': I think we got ourselves a monster!
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, there must be some mistake. I didn't order no monster from ya!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': We sent this monster to you for free, Your Majesty.
:'''King Dedede''': Well I don't want no favors from ya, so just take it all back, ya hear?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': You ain't nothing but a cheap chizzlin' cheater and now we gonna settle the score with ya.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Can't we just talk this over?
:'''King Dedede''': It's too late! We just found your space fortress and now we gonna make a sneak attack!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Thanks for the tip off, Big D. ''[to the other members of N.M.E.]'' Prepare for attack. Launch all Destraya ships immediately! ''[signs out]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, that chump just hung up on me!
:'''Tiff''': You're the one who's the chump!
:'''Tuff''': Thanks to you, they know our whole plan now.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[he and Dedede are shocked by what Tiff &amp; Tuff just said]'' That sales guy just tricked you again, sire.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Laughs]'' Least I don't have to pay that phone bill.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gus''': They got thousands of those flyin' hub-cabs!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Maybe we should go back while there's still time.
:'''Chief Bookem''': I agree. There's no way we can win this.
:'''Meta Knight''': We will not retreat. We must enter the fortress and fight to the finish!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[three Destraya ships suddenly attack the other Destraya ships to everybody's amazement]''
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': What's going on? They're fighting each other.
:'''Tuff''': And they're not attackin' us.
:'''Tiff''': What's eNeMeE up to now?
:'''Meta Knight''': We are not fighting this battle alone.
:'''Knuckle Joe''': ''[turns on his screen to contact the Halberd crew]'' Hey, how's it going, gang?
:'''Tiff''': Knuckle Joe!
:'''Knuckle Joe''': I took over a Destraya and was hoping you'd let me join your party.
:'''Sirica''': ''[her screen comes on as well]'' Do you remember me? I came along to help, too.
:'''Tiff''': Hey, that's Sirica!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo!
:'''Sirica''': Knuckle Joe and I have become friends now and we're teaming up to help you defeat eNeMeE.
:'''Sir Arthur''': ''[his and his knights' screen comes on as well]'' And we will be joining the battle as well.
:'''Meta Knight''': Arthur, and the rest of the Star Warriors!
:'''Sir Arthur''': We were able to raid the fortress and commandeer some Destraya ships. We will clear the way for you to enter the fortress so you and Kirby can challenge eNeMeE.
:'''Meta Knight''': It'll be an honor.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''Knuckle Joe''': But right now, just sit back and let us handle that fleet.
:'''Sirica''': Now onto victory!
:'''Sir Arthur''': Full speed ahead!
:''[the three Destrayas that Knuckle Joe, Sirica, Sir Arthur and his knights stole destroy the other Destrayas]''
:'''Tiff''': They destroyed the enemy ships!
:'''Meta Knight''': Yes! Now we can enter the fortress. Set sail for liftoff! ''[the Halberd blasts its way past more Destrayas and successfully enters the entrance to Nightmare's fortress]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief Bookem''': It's awful quiet.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I wonder why nobody's attacking us.
:'''Tuff''': Maybe they've given up.
:'''Sword Knight''': Detecting something big, closing fast.
:'''Tiff''': Look there!
:'''Kirby''': Pooo...
:''[Nightmare, finally stepping out of the shadows after 98 episodes, makes himself known to the Halberd crew through a giant projection of himself]''
:'''Meta Knight''': eNeMeE...
:'''Nightmare''': Heh. It was a mistake to come here, Kirby. As you can see, you and your puny band of Star Warriors pose no threat to me. Challenging me is the last mistake you will ever make!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo!
:''[Nightmare laughs evilly]''
:'''Meta Knight''': Follow him.

== [Episode 100] Fright to the Finish ([Episode 100] 飛べ! 星のカービィ) ==
:'''Tiff''': Meta Knight, those blasts went right through him.
:'''Meta Knight''': He has led us into a trap!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': I guess Kirby's gonna beat us once and for all, Sire.
:''[Dedede's cell phone starts ringing]''
:'''King Dedede''': What's that sound?
:'''Escargoon''': Your phone. ''[Dedede pulls out his phone and struggles to catch it]'' Ugh, that music's annoying. I wish you'd put it on vibrate. ''[Dedede catches his phone]''
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Hey there! Are you ready to surrender yet, Your Majesty?
:'''Escargoon''': You bet we are.
:'''King Dedede''': I ain't never gonna wave no white flag!
:'''Escargoon''': Forget His Highness. Can you at least save me?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': If you'd like to negotiate, you'll have to speak with my boss. ''[reveals Nightmare, who hypnotizes both Dedede and Escargoon]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sword Knight''': ''[using King Dedede's cell phone that he dropped to track the signal]'' The signal's coming from up there.
:'''Gus''': Must be the command center.
:'''Dr. Yabui''': That's where they control the fortress.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Hey, let's set up a blast up there and wreck the place. That'll stop eNeMeE!
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, but who can do it?
:'''Tokkori''': It's your idea, so you oughtta go.
:''[Chef Kawasaki gasps]''
:'''Kit Cosmos''': ''[laughs heartily]'' Don't worry. I'm comin' along to provide backup support.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I wish I never cooked up this idea.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Thanks for the special delivery.
:'''King Dedede''': I know that voice. You're the sales dude!
:'''Escargoon''': We've never actually seen you in person before.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Well you're in for a little surprise. ''[turns his chair around, and, to the surprise of Tiff, Dedede, and Escargoon, reveals that he has stubby feet similar to other Kirby characters and is only about as tall as Escargoon]''
:'''King Dedede''': You look a lot taller on the TV screen.
:'''Escargoon''': You're almost as shrimpy as Kirby.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Hohohohoho! I may be shrimpy, but I'm a whale of a salesman. And now, we'll take the kid. ''[Nightmare grabs Tiff]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nightmare''': It's too late, child. Kirby is about to face his worst nightmare...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''[evilly laughs]'' Kirby's falling right into our trap, thanks to you.
:'''King Dedede''': Hold it! We've got a problem here.
:'''Escargoon''': We could use some refreshments.
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah. How about showing us some grinditude with some grub?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I'm afraid I can't help you fellas. There's no kitchen in the command center.
:'''Escargoon''': We'll call Kawasaki!
:'''King Dedede''': Oooh! ''[laughs and grabs the microphone]'' Yo, Kawasaki! Whip me up a little something and rush it to me right away!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Here you go, sire! Liver and spinach surprise.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': How'd he get in here!?
:'''King Dedede''': Oh boy! Home cooking! ''(sits down to eat Kawasaki's cooking and enjoys it)'' Mmm. This here dish is delish! Go on. Have a bite.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': No thanks, I'm not...
:'''King Dedede''': ''[shoves the liver into the N.M.E. Sales Guy's mouth]'' You're gonna love it! ''[laughs]''
:'''Escargoon''': ''[as the N.M.E. Sales Guy turns around, unable to handle the taste of Kawasaki's cooking]'' Bet ya never tasted anything like that!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nightmare''': This is checkmate, Kirby. The game is up!
:'''Tiff''': You brought Kirby here because this is where you make nightmares! But he's not afraid of you and your tricks.
:'''Nightmare''': We shall see about that! Before this match is over, you will both learn the force of my power. ''[evilly laughs]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': We can use the monster delivery system here to deliver us home.
:'''Tokkori''': You don't seriously expect us to use that contraption, do ya?
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Hm. It's worth a try.
:'''Meta Knight''': But it is close to the place where you planted that bomb.
:''[the rest of the crew gasp]''
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': We have to go back?
:'''Meta Knight''': Yes, and we do not have a moment to lose!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nightmare''': He has used up all of his energy. Kirby is now completely helpless. I can crush him with little effort... But first, some fun! I shall enter Kirby's sleep and give him a nightmare, and you can join him. This dream will be a real scream!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nightmare''': ''[screams in terror as Kirby surrounds him with a barrage of stars from the Star Rod]'' No! How did Kirby discover the secret? That pitiful little Star Warrior has found my only weakness. I am helpless against the power of the Star Rod!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': eNeMeE is really a living nightmare, so the only place you could beat him was inside a dream. Good work, Kirby! You are the only Star Warrior who gets the secret of the Star Rod and can use it against eNeMeE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[About Tuff, Meta Knight, and the Cappies]'' We better go look for the others now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Hi, everybody!
:'''Tuff''': Hey, Tiff!
:'''Tiff''': Kirby battled eNeMeE and he beat him!
:''[everyone cheers now that they've heard the good news]''
:'''Tiff''': Where are you guys going?
:'''Tuff''': The Halberd was blown away. We have to escape before our bomb goes off!
:''[Tiff and Kirby gasp upon hearing Tuff's own fair share of news]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughs]'' That liver sure made you shiver!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''[brushing his teeth to get the taste of Kawasaki's cooking out of his mouth]'' I was completely disgusted!
:'''Escargoon''': Now you know how we feel about you!
:''[both laugh until they are suddenly interrupted by the Halberd's crew barging into the command center]''
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': There's the monster delivery system!
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, what's goin' on?!
:'''Chief Bookem''': Kirby beat eNeMeE and now we're gonna destroy this place!
:'''King Dedede''': No way!
:''[the N.M.E. Sales Guy gasps in shock and terror after having heard what Chief Bookem just said and makes a run for it]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sir Arthur''': Kirby and his crew have actually done it.
:'''Knuckle Joe''': I hope they had time to...get away.
:'''Sirica''': Good luck, my friends.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Last line, series finale; the sun rises over the horizon and the people look on at the fully-rebuilt Cappy Town happily]''
:'''Mayor Len''': Cappy Town's as beautiful as ever.
:'''Mabel''': It was hard work, but we rebuilt it together.
:'''Tiff''': Everything's back to normal.
:'''Escargoon''': Except for the castle...''[he and King Dedede look at the still-damaged Castle Dedede]'' It's still a wreck.
:'''King Dedede''': And I ain't even got me a way to order me no more monsters.
:'''Meta Knight''': ''[holds Dedede's cell phone out]'' What about this?
:'''King Dedede''': Ah! Gimme!
:''[King Dedede turns his cell phone on only to find its monitor all fuzzed out due to the destruction of Nightmare's fortress and the command center that was inside it, and he and Escargoon sigh in sadness. Tiff, Tuff, &amp; Kirby laugh at the two and then look back at Cappy Town]''
:'''Tiff''': And so Kirby saved the galaxy and proved himself to be the greatest Star Warrior of all... and life in Dream Land went back to normal. But I suppose that with Kirby around, life will always be an adventure. Isn't that right, Kirby?
:'''Kirby''': Puuu... Poyo!

== English Voice Cast ==
:[[w:Makiko Ohmoto|Makiko Ohmoto]] (Japanese voice kept) – Kirby and Kirbysaurus (Ep 76)
:[[w:Kerry Williams|Kerry Williams]] – Tiff and Tiffasaurus (Ep 76)
:[[w:Kayzie Rogers|Kayzie Rogers]] – Tuff, Lady Like, Hana, Honey, and Tuffadactyl (Ep 76)
:[[w:Ted Lewis|Ted Lewis]] – King Dedede, Escargoon, Escargoon's Mother, Amon, D-Rex (Ep 75-76), Escarsaurus (Ep 76), Escar-Droid, Rekketsu (Ep 83), Crowmon (Ep 87), and Maimaigoon (Ep 88)
:[[w:Eric Stuart|Eric Stuart]] – Meta Knight, Gus, Sword Knight, Blade Knight, Coo, Slice n' Splice, and Yamikage
:[[w:Andrew Rannells|Andrew Rannells]] – Chief Bookem (75–100), Nightmare, Rick, Benikage, Max Flexer, and Bookemsaurus (Ep 76)
:[[w:Maddie Blaustein|Maddie Blaustein]] – Chef Kawasaki, Gengu, Tuggle, Biblio, Waddle Doo, Mr. Curio, Melman, Hardy, Kawasakisaurus (Ep 76), and Bonkers
:[[w:Mike Pollock|Mike Pollock]] – Mayor Len, Samo, Kit Cosmos, Chef Shittake, Lensaurus (Ep 76) and Samosaurus (Ep 76)
:[[w:Amy Birnbaum|Amy Birnbaum]] – Kirby (speaking parts in early episodes), Spikehead and Mabel
:[[w:David Lapkin|David Lapkin]] – Sir Ebrum, Dr. Yabui, Mr. Chip (Ep 83), and Dis Walney (Ep 89)
:[[w:Veronica Taylor|Veronica Taylor]] – Rowlin and Sirica
:[[w:Darren Dunstan|Darren Dunstan]] – Kine and Dr. Moro
:[[w:Jerry Lobozzo|Jerry Lobozzo]] – Chief Bookem (1–75)
:[[w:Tara Jayne|Tara Jayne]] – Fololo, Falala, Princess Rona, and Commander Vee
:[[w:Dan Green|Dan Green]] – NME Salesman and Whispy Woods
:[[w:Kevin Kolack|Kevin Kolack]] – Tokkori, Knuckle Joe
:[[w:Jim Napolitano|Jim Napolitano]] – Kabu and Iro
:[[w:James Carter Cathcart|James Carter Cathcart]] – Sir Gallant
:[[w:Lisa Ortiz|Lisa Ortiz]] – Buttercup, Mabel, and Lovely

== Japanese Voice Cast ==

{{Wikipedia}}
:[[w:Makiko Ohmoto|Makiko Ohmoto]] – Kirby, Hohhe, and Rick
:[[w:Sayuri Yoshida|Sayuri Yoshida]] – Fumu
:[[w:Rika Komatsu|Rika Komatsu]] – Bun 
:[[w:Kenichi Ogata (voice actor)|Kenichi Ogata]] – King Dedede
:[[w:Naoki Tatsuta|Naoki Tatsuta]] – Escargon
:[[w:Atsushi Kisaichi|Atsushi Kisaichi]] – Sir Meta Knight and Chief Borun
:[[w:Yuko Mizutani|Yuko Mizutani]] – Memu, Mabel, Waddle Doo, Lovely, Mini-Galbo, Walky, Phan-Phan, and Devil Frog
:[[w:Takashi Nagasako|Takashi Nagasako]] – Parm, Mayor Len, Professor Curio, and Beat 
:[[w:Chiro Kanzaki|Chiro Kanzaki]] – Lololo, Blade Knight, Kana, Iroo and Coo
:[[w:Madoka Akita|Madoka Akita]] – Lalala, Sato, Honey, Iroo's Mother, Princess Rona, Scarfy, and The Twin Nuts
:[[w:Osamu Hosoi|Osamu Hosoi]] – Gus, Whispy Woods, and Kittari Hattari
:[[w:Banjo Ginga|Banjo Ginga]] – Customer Service and Nightmare
:[[w:Fujiko Takimoto|Fujiko Takimoto]] – Tokkori and Honey's Mother 
:[[w:Hiroshi Naka|Hiroshi Naka]] – Dakonyo and Dr. Moro
:[[w:Isshin Chiba|Isshin Chiba]] – Yamikage and Monsieur Goan
:[[w:Kazunori Sekine|Kazunori Sekine]] – Dr. Yabui and Bibli
:[[w:Mizuki Saito|Mizuki Saito]] – Gangu and Tago
:[[w:Bin Shimada|Bin Shimada]] – Quixano
:[[w:Hikaru Tokita|Hikaru Tokita]] – Sword Knight
:[[w:Junichi Sugawara|Junichi Sugawara]] – Cook Osaka
:[[w:Kazue Ikura|Kazue Ikura]] – Broom King
:[[w:Keiko Yamamoto|Keiko Yamamoto]] – Escargon's Mother
:[[w:Minami Takayama|Minami Takayama]] – Knuckle Joe
:[[w:Kumiko Watanabe|Kumiko Watanabe]] – Benikage
:[[w:Norio Tsuboi|Norio Tsuboi]] – Chef Nagoya
:[[w:Shigeru Nakahara|Shigeru Nakahara]] – Mr. Chip
:[[w:Tomoe Hanba|Tomoe Hanba]] – Silica
:[[w:Tomomichi Nishimura|Tomomichi Nishimura]] – Master Bacteria
:[[w:Yuko Sasamoto|Yuko Sasamoto]] – Vee (Princess Rona)
:[[w:Yumi Toma|Yumi Toma]] – Rowlin

[[Category:Fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:Anime]]
[[Category:Japanese TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:FOX shows]]</text>
      <sha1>6l8pv0j2z8kg6ozr8p25rjblmedl055</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147965</id>
      <parentid>3147964</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T01:42:57Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1702:3460:3310:A4F8:44D6:506B:B96D</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* [Episode 93] D'Preciation Day ([Episode 93] カービィ感謝の日!) */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="169226" xml:space="preserve">{{vfd-new}}

{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Kirby: Right Back at Ya!|Kirby: Right Back at Ya!]]''''', known in Japan as Hoshi no Kirby (星のカービィ Hoshi no Kābī, Kirby of the Stars), is a Japanese anime series created by Warpstar, Inc. and based on Nintendo's Kirby franchise. The series ran for one hundred episodes from October 6, 2001 to September 27, 2003. The series aired on Chubu-Nippon Broadcasting in Japan and in the United States on 4Kids TV; 4Kids Entertainment heavily edited the content in the process.

== [Episode 1] Kirby Comes to Cappy Town ([Episode 1] 出た! ピンクの訪問者)==
:'''Escargoon''': Monster!? That's ridiculous! There's no monster in this castle!
:'''Cappy''': Yes there is! It's big and it eats everything in sight!
:'''Escargoon''': That's King Dedede! There's no monster. Now why don't you go on back to your little trailer park so the King can have his supper in peace?
:'''Tiff''': Hey, wait a minute, Escargoon! Not so fast! ''[Tiff, her brother Tuff, and their parents Sir Ebrum and Lady Like appear]'' How do we know you're not lying again?
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, like you usually do?
:'''Escargoon''': You have no right to speak to me that way. Your parents should slap you silly.
:'''Tiff''': Papa, something funny's going on!
:'''Sir Ebrum''': You might be right, Tiff. A monster is the kind of thing that Dedede would love.
:'''Lady Like''': The king must be behind this!
:'''Escargoon''': You're court official. How dare you accuse his royal highness! ''[to King Dedede]'' Want me to check 'em in for a two-week stay in the dungeon, sweet kingey?
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Laughs and turns to face everyone else]'' A monster, huh? Would the monster happen to look anything that?
:''[He points to a fish tank containing a small octopus]''
:'''Cappy''': That's it! That's the monster! Except it was a hundred times bigger!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughs]'' Well you can see this ain't no monster, it's my new pet octopus. The only thing he likes to eat is sardines.
:''[He drops one in the tanks. The octopus eats it]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hehehehe. Little fella wouldn't hurt a fly less it was on the end of a fish hook!
:'''Escargoon''': Of course it wouldn't. Now get out and go back to your trailer park so the king can have his dessert! Go on! Poof, you're gone!
:''[Tiff runs up to the octopus. The two exchange stares]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kabu''': Tell me, citizens of Dreamland. For what purpose have you come to consult me?
:'''Sir Ebrum''': We seek your wisdom and knowledge Kabu! For three nights a giant monster has been stealing our sheep.
:'''Lady Like''': And it's robbing me of my beauty sleep.
:'''Mayor Len''': King Dedede says it's not his monster...
:'''Chief Bookem''': But I don't believe that rascal.
:'''Tuff''': You know the truth, Kabu!
:'''Tiff''': Please tell us where the monster is, Kabu, and how we can make it go away.
:'''Kabu''': The monster is here. And all of Dreamland is in grave danger.
:'''Tiff''': Why did he come here?
:'''Kabu''': It was called here by your own King Dedede. ''[in the distance, Dedede and Escargoon are watching from Dedede's tank]''
:'''Escargoon''': Sounds like the big Kabu-na's got your number, crownie.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[punches Escargoon on the head]'' That tattle-telling tiki!
:'''Kabu''': The monster was created, by one far more powerful than King Dedede.
:'''Chief Bookem''': I'd like to lock both of them up.
:'''Mayor Len''': What can we do to stop them?
:'''Kabu''': There is nothing you can do.
:''[Everyone is in shock]''
:'''Sir Ebrum''': Oh dear!
:'''Lady Like''': Oh dear me!
:'''Falala''': Is Dreamland doomed?
:'''Tiff''': Can anybody help, Kabu?
:'''Kabu''': There is one hope... a Star Warrior traveling through space... whose name is Kirby.
:'''Tiff''': Kirby.
:'''Tuff''': Yay, Kirby!
:'''Tiff''': Hmmm, bet he's cute!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[He and Escargoon enter]'' That's trash you're talking, Kabu. Ain't no such person as Kirby.
:'''Escargoon''': That's right. You're full of Kabu-loney.
:'''Kabu''': Kabu can see the future.
:'''King Dedede''': Then why don't you predict what's gonna happen when I push this here button?
:'''Kabu''': I predict you will not push it.
:'''King Dedede''': Hey Escargoon, did ya hear that one? ''[laughs]'' Well I predict you're dead wrong!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': It's gotta be impossible, but your name wouldn't happen to be &quot;Kirby&quot;?!
:'''Kirby''': Kirby! Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[After Kirby saves her from falling to her death]'' Kirby just saved my life.
:'''Tuff''': A monster wouldn't have done that, Tiff.
:'''Fololo''': You're right, Tuff.
:'''Falala''': Maybe Kirby is a Star Warrior.
:'''Tiff''': ''[dusting herself]'' Impossible, Falala. Warriors are big and strong, not pink and puffy! ''[Kirby walks by her, surprising her]''
:'''Tuff''': Hey, where are you going? ''[Kirby runs faster, and he, Fololo &amp; Falala give chase]'' Hey, wait up!
:'''Fololo''': He doesn't understand!
:'''Falala''': Don't let him get away, Fololo!
:'''Tiff''': Some warrior.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': My parents work for the King, and we live in the castle. In case you were wondering, my name's Tiff.
:'''Kirby''': Name Tiff.
:''(Tiff gasps)''
:'''Kirby''': Name Tiff!
:'''Tuff''': I'm her brother, Tuff.
:'''Kirby''': Tuff.
:'''Fololo''': And we're their friends Fololo...
:'''Falala''': ... and Falala!
:'''Kirby''': Fololo, Falala?
:'''Tuff''': Guess Kirby must be a baby warrior.
:''[Tiff, Tuff, Fololo, and Falala laugh]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Len''': ...And as Mayor of Cappy Town, I know I speak for everyone when I say we're pleased and proud to welcome our honored guest, the mighty Star Warrior Kirby.
:'''Chief Bookem''': I can speak for myself, thank you.
:'''Mayor Len''': Hah, we all know that, Chief Bookem.
:'''Tuff''': Let's hurry up and eat.
:'''Tiff''': Kirby doesn't understand what you're saying anyway.
:'''Mayor Len''': Then let's dig in, shall we?
:''[Kirby inhales everyone's dinner and then spits their accessories, plates, and silverware back out]''
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''Tuff''': ''[yells in frustration and falls face-first on the table surface]'' I knew I should've started eatin'.
:'''Tiff''': Hey, what's the big idea, Kirby?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Careful with that starship, snailbrain! Once we get it fixed, we can send Kirby back where he came from.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Why does he have to be so abusive? Self-esteem issues, anyone?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Welcome to Nightmare Enterprises, King Dedede. How may I assist you?
:'''King Dedede''': Look, pal, I don't like to complain, but I paid you folks a lot of money for an octopus monster and it turned out to be a little shrimp.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Just give it time, Your Highness, and I guarantee that little shrimp will grow on you.
:'''King Dedede''': Alright.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[screams upon seeing that Octacon has grown to its true size]'' HOLY CALAMARI!
:'''Escargoon''': Get back in your tank, you overgrown appetizer!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[tackles Escargoon]'' Find the receipt for this thing, 'cause I want my money back!
:'''Meta Knight''': You had better leave, Sire.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': ''[about what Kirby did to Octacon's miniature octopus]'' He sucked 'em up.
:'''Tiff''': Just like he sucked up our dinner.
:'''Meta Knight''': It is Kirby's classic defense - inhale.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': ''[about Kirby's transformation]'' That is Kirby's copy ability. After inhaling an attack, Kirby can transform himself. Kirby has now become... Fire Kirby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': There goes my refund.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, I do believe we've been starstruck.

== [Episode 2] A Blockbuster Battle ([Episode 2] 大変! 戦士のおうち探し)==
:'''King Dedede''': They look like rejects to me. I need something strong enough to get rid of Kirby...for good!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Kirby's sure striking out with the plates.
:'''King Dedede''': Then let's see if he can slide.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[about Blocky]'' This thing's even heavier than you, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah. Big enough to beat Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': You dumb blockhead!
:'''Escargoon''': We're sunk and so is he!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I'm gonna miss my little Blocky!
:'''Escargoon''': Well, Sire, it just goes to show you you shouldn't take your monsters for granite.

== [Episode 3] Kirby's Duel Role ([Episode 3] え! メタナイト卿と対決?) ==
:'''Tiff''': Meta Knight came here to see you, didn't he, Kabu?
:'''Kabu''': He came here to consult with me about the threat to the planet.
:'''Tiff''': Threat to the planet? What do you mean?
:'''Kabu''': There is a secret empire of evil ruled by one known as eNeMeE. ''[does a flashback to a shadowed Nightmare placing Chess monsters on the chessboard in his lair]'' It is his plan to control the entire universe. He creates monsters and delivers them to customers like Dedede, who do not know their true purpose. But eNeMeE made one grave mistake. ''[Nightmare grimaces in pain as the shadowed sphere he was about to place on the chessboard has just stabbed his finger with a sword]'' One creature was produced that would not obey his orders, and eNeMeE fears it may defeat him. ''[Nightmare furiously slams the chessboard as the flashback ends]''
:'''Tiff''': The creature must be... Kirby.
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, and that must be why eNeMeE's trying to get rid of him.
:'''Kabu''': That is the likely explanation.
:'''Tiff''': Well, we better get going. Thanks a lot, Kabu.
:'''Tuff''': Hey, Kabu. Where'd ya learn all that stuff?
:'''Kabu''': I learned it long ago, from Meta Knight.
:'''Tuff''': Say what?!
:'''Tiff''': From Meta Knight?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Well, that pink punk ain't gonna make a monkey out of King Dedede. ''[starts driving back to his castle only to be interrupted by Meta Knight]'' Outta my way, Meta Knight!
:'''Meta Knight''': Sire, it is my duty to warn you. Kirby has great power now.
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah? Well, who's the king around here, you or me?
:'''Escargoon''': Move it or lose it!
:'''Meta Knight''': It pains me to do this, sire. But I'm afraid I must. ''[kicks Dedede's tank downhill]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey! What's happening?!
:'''Escargoon''': We're going backwards!
:'''King Dedede''': I know that! Hit the brakes!
:'''Escargoon''': They won't hold, we're gonna crash!
:'''King Dedede''': Do something!
:'''Escargoon''': Like what?!
:'''King Dedede''': Break my fall!
:''[The tank reverses off a nearby cliff and crashes off-screen]''

== [Episode 4] Dark and Stormy Knight ([Episode 4] 星の戦士のひみつ) ==
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Sorry, Your Majesty. But our contract says that Kracko can't be sent backo! ''[laughs]''

== [Episode 5] Beware: Whispy Woods! ([Episode 5] 怒れ! ウィスピーウッズ) ==
:'''Tiff:''' Our planet's ecosystem is a marvel of symbiotic relationships among all living things large and small. Wow, isn't that amazing, Kirby? ''(notices Kirby is missing)'' Kirby? Kirby!
:'''Tuff:''' I guess Kirby must've got bored and went for a walk or something.

== [Episode 6] Un-Reality TV ([Episode 6] 見るぞい! チャンネルDDD)==
:'''Tiff''': WE USED TO HAVE LIVES BEFORE TELEVISION!!!!!

== [Episode 7] Kirby's Egg-Cellent Adventure ([Episode 7] 逆襲! ダイナブレイド) ==
:'''King Dedede''': Look at all the variety. There's shy birds, fly birds, blue birds, two birds, crazy birds, and lazy birds!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Remind me to install some escalators on this mountain.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[singing]'' ''♪ Dyna Blade had an egg she laid, E-I-E-I-O. But a handsome king had a plan he made, E-I-E-I-O. When Kirby eats that big old egg, Dyna Blade's gonna grab him by the leg, drag him away to a secret lair, finally get Kirby out of my hair. ♪'' Dyna Blade... Hey, look!
:'''Escargoon''': Let's hide.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Our deeds bind us to fate as surely as the sun sets.
:'''Tiff''': Could you say that in English?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Kirby, I was only kidding! You'd be too tough for anybody to eat.

== [Episode 8] Curio's Curious Discovery ([Episode 8] キュリオ氏の古代プププ文明) ==

:'''Tiff''': Remember what you always say. The most important thing isn't to show your theories right, but to dig all the way to the truth!

== [Episode 9] The Fofa Factor ([Episode 9] ロロロとラララ愛のメロディ)==
:'''Escargoon''': Sire, a message from your fortune teller.
:'''King Dedede''': Well? What's my soothsayer say?
:'''Escargoon''': I'm lookin', I'm lookin! It says, &quot;If you look for trouble, your trouble will double.&quot;
:'''King Dedede''': Hmph. What's that mumbo-gumbo supposed to mean?
:'''Escargoon''': I'm not sure, but there's more.
:'''King Dedede''': Good. Is it next week's lottery numbers?
:'''Escargoon''': If it was, I wouldn't tell you. It says, &quot;Your account is past due. Pay up, you cheap tightwad!&quot; ''[Dedede hammers him]'' Great. Just 'cause I'm a snail, I get slugged.
:'''King Dedede''': Well I'll show her. I'm ordering a new monster.
:'''Escargoon''': Did you order me some aspirin?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Say, you Cappies look kinda sheepish. Hah! Sheepish! That's a good one! ''[laughs]''
:'''Chief Bookem''': King Dedede! ''[Dedede looks at Bookem with a shocked expression on his face]'' Body-snatchin's illegal.
:'''King Dedede''': So what? You may have my body, but I'm still head around here!
:'''Mayor Len''': We demand you return us to normal, your highness. We're one furious flock!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Boy Kirby and Girl Kirby laugh]''
:'''Falala''': I think we'd better keep it down guys.
:'''Fololo''': Falala, they look just like us!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fofa''': No! Let me go, you creep! I don't wanna be sent to hurt anybody!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': All you can do is float in the air, you useless little clown. We're splitting you in two.
:'''Fofa''': In two?! No please, you can't!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': ''[after Slice n' Splice's sun rod has disintegrated]'' It's too late to use it now. The sun rod bit the dust.
:'''Tiff''': I'm really sorry that we couldn't put you two back together again.
:'''Falala''': That's okay. We may have two bodies...
:'''Fololo''': But we've got one heart. [he and Falala hug each other]

== [Episode 10] Hail to the Chief ([Episode 10] ボルン署長をリニュアルせよ)==
:'''Mayor Len''': Lunatics! This is a road, not a bumper car track!
:'''Escargoon''': It's your fault. I guess you haven't heard the King's always got the right of way.
:'''King Dedede''': Just ask the DDDMV!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': You could have been hurt in that crash, but luckily your stomach acts as a built-in airbag.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuggle''': The King's firing Chief Bookem?
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': There goes my doughnut sales.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Those bees gave me so many lumps that I feel like a bowl of oatmeal!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': ''[While Driving Dedede's Tank And Yelling At The Same Time]'' Driving sure is a lot harder than it looks!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Aw, my paper's in pieces! Grr... if that's how y'all gonna play it, i'm gonna up the ante!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief Bookem''': ''[to the bees, about Dedede and Escargoon]'' Company bee, arrest these crooks!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Leave us alone, don't pollinate something!
:'''King Dedede''': Don't you dare sting yo king!

== [Episode 11] The Big Taste Test ([Episode 11] 宮廷シェフ・カワサキ) ==
:'''Escargoon''': ''[shaking]'' You don't want to eat me! I'm bitter...r...r...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': What better way to honor your King than to let him sauté you?
:'''Escargoon''': ''[whimpering]'' I never thought I'd go like this...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[trying samples of Kawasaki's food]'' Tasteless! Nasty! Awful! This stinks! This too! Lousy! Putrid! Rancid! TREASON!!! Kawa-yucki, I oughta fry you up like a fritter!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': I know this came out of the oven, but it tastes like it came outta the sofa cushions!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': There's a word for this here stuff, and it ain't &quot;food&quot;!

== [Episode 12] Kirby's Pet Peeve ([Episode 15] 誕生? カービィのおとうと) ==
:'''King Dedede''': What's that thing he's got?
:'''Escargoon''': I don't know what he's got, but I've got whiplash.
:''(Kirby and the Robot Pet scream &quot;Poyo!&quot; and bark respectively at them, angrily)''
:'''King Dedede''': That's one of them computer canines! I want one of 'em, too. Where'd he get that?
:'''Escargoon''': I don't know. Probably from that toy shop in Cappy Town.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Now what do I look like, some little nitwit?
:'''Gengu''': I wouldn't say little. Definitely not.

== [Episode 13] Escargoon Squad ([Episode 12] デデデ城のユーレイ)==
:'''Meta Knight''': It appears you were able to shamboozle us all, Escargoon.
:'''Sir Ebrum''': By jove! You suddenly had me believing in ghosts.
:'''Lady Like''': Tuff, I'm ashamed of you!
:'''Tuff''': King Dedede is always doing stuff to scare us. Why shouldn't we scare him?
:'''Kirby''': Poyo!
:'''Tiff''': Well, I guess bad things happen to bad kings!
:''[Everyone in the room but Meta Knight burst out laughing]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[chasing Kirby, Tuff, Escargoon, Fololo And Falala]'' You all gonna be ghosts when I catch up with ya!

== [Episode 14] The Pillow Case ([Episode 14] 夢枕魔獣顔見勢) ==
:'''Escargoon''': What's wrong, Sire? I haven't seen you this mad since yesterday.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Take it easy on those turns.
:'''King Dedede''': Just hang on to my throne.
:'''Escargoon''': I'll hang on to the throne, Sire. It's my lunch I'm worried about.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I'm their number one customer, and they ought to acknowledge that once in a while.
:'''Escargoon''': Well, maybe they would if you pay the bill every once in a while.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Pillows? What're they for?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Haven't you ever used one? They're for sleeping.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[Hypnotized]'' Must destroy kirby. '''Destroy Kirby!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Lucky little lump.

== [Episode 15] A Fish Called Kine ([Episode 16] 私を愛したサカナ 私を愛したサカナ) ==
:'''Tiff''': A fish who can write...
:'''Kine''': A lot of fish are very educated because we spend so much time in schools.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Me, your girlfriend?!
:'''Tuff''': ''[Laughing]'' Yeah, Tiff. And he can be your Gillfriend!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Ah... the catch of the day.
:'''Tuff''': Stop! That's not sushi, that's Tiff's boyfriend!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Her... boyfriend?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': You see how dangerous it is?
:'''Tuff''': You're lucky. You must have nine lives.
:'''Kine''': Maybe that means I'm part catfish...

== [Episode 16] Flower Power ([Episode 18] 眠りの森のピンクボール) ==
:'''Fololo &amp; Falala''': Babagahara? I've heard of that place. No one who goes there has ever come back!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': This plant plan's startin' to grow on me.
:'''Dedede''': Yeah, that Pukey Flower's one bad blossom! It pops up little Noddy berries, the critters gobble them up, and the owners can't wake 'em. (laughs)
:'''Escargoon''': They think a wiff of the Pukey will wake them up, but then the Pukey eats them up!
:'''Dedede''': And now it's time for Kirby.
:'''Escargoon''': Lunch time. ''[the two burst into laughter]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirby''': ''[snoring, sleep-talking]'' Picnic...picnic...
:''[Tuff gasps]''
:'''Kirby''': ''[sleep-talking again]'' Pic...nic....

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Kirby! Glad you're okay, buddy!

== [Episode 17] Here Comes the Son ([Episode 19] ナックルジョーがやって来た!) ==
:'''King Dedede''': I happen to know just the Star Warrior you lookin' for.
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Then spill your guts, tubby.
:'''King Dedede''': Uhhh, tubby?
:'''Escargoon''': Hey wise guy, this is the king you're talking about! You can't insult him because he's fat! Or because he's a big ignoramus! Or because he's a tightwad...''[gets hammered by Dedede]''
:'''King Dedede''': '']clears throat]'' Sonny, I know just the Star Warrior you lookin' for, and his name's Kirby.
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Look out... Kirby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Knuckle Joe''': He wasn't a father. He was a weakling.
:'''Meta Knight''': Good. I am glad. That way, he will not have to see what a monster you have become. 
:'''Knuckle Joe''': What? I am not a monster! 
:'''Meta Knight''': Anyone who abandons his reason, and lives only by hatred, is a monster. 
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Grrr... 
:'''Tiff''': Knuckle Joe... What we do makes us all monsters. And now, look what you did to Kirby. 
:'''Knuckle Joe''': But I am not a monster! 
:'''Meta Knight''': But you lived by hatred. And hatred is what eNeMeE loves.

== [Episode 18] Dedede's Snow Job ([Episode 20] さよなら、雪だるまチリー) ==

== [Episode 19] A Princess in Dis-Dress ([Episode 21] 王女ローナの休日)==
:'''King Dedede''': ''(Practice proposal to Princess Rona)'' From the moment I laid my big ol' eyes on your big ol' head, I knew you were my love.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Cries]'' I wanna marry the pretty princess!
:'''Escargoon''': ''[at Princess Rona]'' Now you've broken the king's heart! ''(softly)'' How? I don't know, he doesn't have one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': My dreams are shattered. How will I ever fill this emptiness?
:'''Escargoon''': Ah, just do what you normally do. Have seven cheeseburgers.

== [Episode 20] Island of the Lost Warrior ([Episode 22] 孤島の決戦老兵は死なず!) ==
:'''Tuff''': What are we going to do, Tiff?
:'''Tiff''': I'm thinking! It takes time to come up with great ideas!
:''[Tiff's stomach growls]''
:'''Tiff''': ''[looking embarrassed]'' My stomach thinks it's a great idea for us to find some lunch now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Kirby, I'm sure glad you made friends with Sergeant Cosmos.
:'''Tuff''': Me too, but that guy's still kind of wacky.
:'''Tiff''': He's been stuck on this island so long he thinks the Star Warriors still have an army.
:'''Kit Cosmos''': ''[suddenly puts out Kirby and friends' fire that they were cooking their fish on]'' Are you kids out of your minds?! Lightin' a campfire at night will give away our position to the enemy!
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, except we don't have any enemies.
:'''Tiff''': And look. Now we don't have any dinner.
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Tough luck. During some of my missions, I went weeks with nothin' to eat but dirt! A real warrior don't need no fancy luxuries like food!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;	
:'''Kit Cosmos''': I salute you, Meta Knight!

== [Episode 21] The Empty Nest Mess ([Episode 23] 迷子のダイナベイビー)==
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon! Get this caterpillar off of me!
:'''Escargoon''': I guess I used too much formula, but at least we know it works!

== [Episode 22] Ninja Binge ([Episode 24] ニンジャ、ベニカゲ参上!)==
:'''Benikage''': Keep away from the scroll, or prepare to battle a real ninja!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Benikage''': ''[sniff]'' They're plastic anyway...''[cries]''

== [Episode 23] Like Mother, Like Snail/Escargoon Rules ([Episode 24] エスカルゴン、まぶたの母)==
:'''Tiff''': Who's so important to ya?
:'''Escargoon''': It's my... it's my... It's my mommy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon's Mother''': Ahh, it's still so hard for me to believe that I'm the mother of a king.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': You two's Escar-dentical!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Don't worry. That guy's just pretending to be king.
:'''Escargoon's Mother''': He's pretending? But why?
:'''Tiff''': It's his job to act crazy. Dedede's the court jester.
:'''Escargoon's Mother''': Court jester? You mean he's a clown?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[horrified, about his Drifter parachute]'' It's been De-De-Disintegrated!

== [Episode 24] Sword and Blade, Loyal and True/Hour of the WolfWrath ([Episode 26] 忠誠! ソードとブレイド) ==
:'''Escargoon''': (after WolfWrath has gotten away from him and Dedede) Ah, I don't think it's housebroken.
:'''Dedede''': That WolfWrath monster of yours better not wreck my castle. This ain't no doghouse!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I'm afraid WolfWrath doesn't take too well to training, Triple D. He's kind of a hot dog and if you try to break him, you'll get burned! ''[laughs]''
:'''Dedede''': Huh? It'll attack me?! ''[the N.M.E. Sales Guy laughs again]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[about WolfWrath's battle with Meta Knight]'' Look, it's battling Meta Knight, not Kirby!
:'''Dedede''': Grr... Meta Knight oughtta mind his own beeswax and let WolfWrath turn Kirby into toast!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Don't sweat it, Triple D. That monster can wipe out a whole army of Star Warriors.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': KITCHEEEEENNNNN!!! Where's the chow, ya chowder-heads? His highness is hungry up here!
:'''Waddle Doo''': But we just served the king a ten-course meal.
:'''Dedede''': All of them appetizers was un-appetizin'. Bring me ten different courses and make it snappy!
:'''Waddle Doo''': Right! ''[he and the Waddle Dees make another ten-course meal and start bringing it to the king]'' Hup, two, three, four, we bring the food and he wants more, five, six, seven, eight, the king had better watch his weight.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sword Knight''': We should have stayed to protect Kirby.
:'''Blade Knight''': ''[mumbling]'' Our promise.
:'''Sword Knight''': We're sorry, kids. We won't let it happen again.
:'''Tiff''': That's okay. The only reason you two were reckless was because you knew Meta Knight was in trouble.
:'''Tuff''': You guys sure are loyal to him. How'd you meet him?
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''Blade Knight''': ''*mumbling*'' Long time ago.
:'''Sword Knight''': Back when Meta Knight and the Star Warriors were battling Nightmare's monster armies. ''(begins flashback)'' The struggle turned the whole galaxy into a wasteland. To survive, we became bandits.
:''[Meta Knight is running up the side of the canyon when Blade Knight and Sword Knight step in his way]''
:'''Meta Knight''': Out of my way. Let me pass!
:'''Sword Knight''': Oh, we'll be happy to let you pass, for a price.
:''[Blade Knight mumbling]''
:'''Meta Knight''': I have no time for your games. The monster that is chasing me is truly dangerous.
:'''Sword Knight''': We're dangerous too.
:'''Meta Knight''': I warn you. Leave now while you still have a chance.
:''[WolfWrath's howl is heard above all three as it leaps down and attacks by surprise]''
:'''Blade Knight''': Away! Away! ''[mumbling]''
:''[Sword Knight attacks but is thrown aside by WolfWrath. It spits a fireball at them only for it to be reflected back by Meta Knight]''
:'''Meta Knight''': Run. Quickly! ''[Blade Knight and Sword Knight hide as he then fights back against WolfWrath and ultimately forces it into a nearby lake as the flashback ends]''
:'''Sword Knight''': We were just a pair of lousy crooks.
:'''Blade Knight''': Meta Knight ''*mumbling*'' rescued us.
:'''Tiff''': So that's why you follow him.
:'''Tuff''': 'Cause he saved you both.
:'''Sword Knight''': ''[about the weapons hung on the wall of their master's living room]'' Those things on the wall... We used them to rob and steal. Now they remind us of what fools we were before we met Meta Knight.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dedede''': ''[snacking on his latest ten-course meal]'' What's taking them guards so long to track my monster?
:'''Escargoon''': Finish your snack, sire. I'm checking the cameras. ''[sees WolfWrath blowing fire everywhere it goes, even at the cameras]'' Ahh! What's it doing?! ''[sees even more of the castle halls on fire]'' Ah! WolfWrath's a fire dog!
:'''Dedede''': ''[gasps in anger and starts yelling at the N.M.E. Sales Guy]'' What're you trying to pull here?! That monster's barbecuing my whole castle!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Oops! I guess I forgot to mention that. WolfWrath needs to set fires to get the strength for its attacks.
:'''Dedede''': ''[growling with anger, he's finally had enough and he gives an order to the Waddle Dees]'' Throw that WolfWrath outta here!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sword Knight''': Blade. Remember how Meta Knight saved us when WolfWrath cornered us?
:'''Blade Knight''': Hm. Aye. ''[mumbling]''
:''(flashback to when Meta Knight and WolfWrath fell into the nearby lake)''
:'''Sword Knight''': Water is WolfWrath's one weakness.
:'''Blade Knight''': ''[mumbling]'' Put it out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sword Knight''': Brings back memories, don't it, Blade?
:'''Blade Knight''': ''[mumbling]''
:''[last flashback of the episode begins, showing both Sword and Blade kneeling behind Meta Knight]''
:'''Meta Knight''': So. Are you two sure you want to join me?
:'''Blade Knight''': You're ''[mumbling]'' great warrior.
:'''Sword Knight''': We want to make your cause our cause.
:'''Meta Knight''': I will tell you what we must do. We must search for a new warrior... one who will defeat eNeMeE and bring justice to our galaxy.
:'''Sword Knight''': From that moment on, we became Meta Knight's followers.
:'''Blade Knight''': And, ''[mumbling]'' loyal to him.
:''[both Sword Knight and Blade Knight look on proudly at Kirby's triumphant pose with Galaxia as light from the sky shines down on him]''

== [Episode 25] The Flower Plot ([Episode 27] 恋に落ちたウィスピーウッズ) ==
:'''Lovely''': ''(to Whispy Woods)'' But Whispy, these oxygen-breathers can't possibly mean more to you than I do.

== [Episode 26] Labor Daze ([Episode 28] 恐怖のデデデ・ファクトリー) ==
:'''Tiff''': Dedede made us think he was making appliances, but he was really building a giant robot.
:'''Tuff''': That creep! I'd like to tear it apart with my bare hands!

== [Episode 27] The Hot Shot Chef / A Spice Oddysey ([Episode 29] 激辛! ファミレス戦争)==
:'''King Dedede''': Yuck! &lt;big&gt;Yuck!!&lt;/big&gt; &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''YUCK!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; This slop ain't fit for a doggone dog! There's gotta be something here that's eatable! ''[takes a bite of a salad, chews for a few seconds then bursts into tears]'' I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!
:'''Escargoon''': But Majesty, we've got other choices. Instant noodles, cat food, crunchy liver-and-bacon dog treats, hmm? ''[Dedede looms over him]''
:'''King Dedede''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''I WANT SOMETHIN' TASTY!!!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:''[later, at Restaurant Kawasaki...]''
:'''King Dedede''': Yuck! &lt;big&gt;Yuck!!&lt;/big&gt; &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''YUCK!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; THIS TASTES LIKE TRASH!!! Kawasaki, ain't you got nothing digestion-able in this here dump!?
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Sorry, Sire. That's every dish on the menu.
:'''King Dedede''': You ain't no chef, YOU'RE A GARBAGEMAN!!
:'''Escargoon''': Come clean, Kawasaki. All chefs have secret recipes. Don't hold out on us!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I'm not! That's all I have!
:'''King Dedede''': What a loser. Let's get out of here.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': But what about your bill?
:'''King Dedede''': Forget it, pizza-face! ''[throws a pizza at Kawasaki]''
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': ''[tastes the pizza]'' It tastes okay to me...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I need a top-class chef for my new restaurant.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': You owning a restaurant is like a termite owning a lumber yard.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Monsieur Goan''': Tornato.
:'''King Dedede''': Tornado?
:'''Escargoon''': Not tornado. Tornato. It's a fancy foreign language, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': I was joking, ya beanhead!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I can't even give my food away.
:'''Tuff''': What are you gonna do?
:'''Tiff''': I guess you can always pay people to eat here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': ''[sighs]'' He was my only customer and I turned him into a flamethrower...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': It's done. This dish is so hot, it may burn through the pot. I call it Toxic Atomic Curry. When they get a taste of this, I'll be the hottest chef in town! ''[laughs maniacally]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[gasp]'' You're on fire!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Hahahaa-haha! Atomic Curry!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Kirby's in trouble!
:'''Tiff''': That monster knows every trick in the book!
:'''Meta Knight''': You mean in the cookbook!
:'''Tiff''': Hey, that's a pretty good one!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Laughing]'' Won't be long now, Kirby!
:'''Kirby''': ''[freezes]''
:'''Tiff''': Kirby!
:'''Escargoon''': Relax, you'll feel a lot better when you try a bracing bowl of Kirby sorbet.
:'''King Dedede''': Just chill out, Kirby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Yeah! He's Fire Kirby!
:'''Meta Knight''': No, that's the heartburn from Kawasaki's cooking.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I finally out-spiced Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Alright, what's this all about a punishment?
:'''King Dedede''': If you ask me, it's punishment enough to mangle with the peasants!

== [Episode 28] Hatch Me if You Can ([Episode 30] カービィの謎のタマゴ)==
:'''Chief Bookem''': Hmm. No missing egg reports coming yet. Nobody broke into any nests, lately. I guess Kirby can go back to sittin' on the egg.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Well, they're not gonna be any help. I'm gonna have to crack this egg case myself.

== [Episode 29] Cappy New Year ([Episode 13] ププビレッジ年忘れ花火大会)==
:'''King Dedede''': This new year's gonna be a blast. ''[laughs]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': We can create our own celebration. We can do whatever we want to!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': That monster's a pyrotechnomaniac!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': It's almost midnight! So ten...
:'''Everyone else''': ...nine... eight... seven... six... five... four... three... two... one... ''[fireworks occur behind Parasol Kirby]'' HAPPY NEW YEAR!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo! ''[waves to everybody as fireworks shaped like the sentence HAPPY NEW YEAR appear behind him]''

== [Episode 30] Abusement Park ([Episode 31] ビバ! デデベガスへようこそ)==
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''[about Mike Kirby's singing]'' It's like he's scratching down a chalkboard! I can't take it! I'm sending Kirby back...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': I fear Microphone Kirby may be Kirby's most powerful form!
:'''Tiff''': Now you tell me!

== [Episode 31] Junk Jam ([Episode 33 え〜っ! 宇宙のゴミ捨て場) ==
:'''Tuff''': Kirby, doesn't your stomach ever get tired?

== [Episode 32] The Kirby Derby - Part I ([Episode 35] 栄光のプププグランプリ (前編))==
:'''King Dedede''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''I'M GONNA GET THAT GOOFBALL!!!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Tuff, I almost got run over! You should stick to a tricycle!

== [Episode 33] The Kirby Derby - Part II ([Episode 36] 栄光のプププグランプリ (後編)) ==
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': You and I were married forty years ago today. That's why I wanted to win so badly!

== [Episode 34] A Recipe for Disaster ([Episode 34] 究極鉄人、コックオオサカ)==
:'''King Dedede''': I paid Nightmare Enterprises a heap o' money so they can send me a heap o' popcorn?

== [Episode 35] Watermelon Felon ([Episode 37] お昼のデデデワイドをつぶせ!)==
:'''Meta Knight''': Sometimes the pen is mightier than the sword.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Well, you got a problem with me, pinky?
:'''Kirby''': ''[Barfs out the newspapers and the newspapers flood the castle]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''[in reaction to King Dedede uploading the millions of newspapers that Kirby flooded his entire castle with to Nightmare's Fortress]'' HEY! What do you think you're doing?!
:'''King Dedede''': There's a lot more where that came from. Nobody wants these newspapers anymore, so I gotta put 'em somewhere.

== [Episode 36] Escar-Gone ([Episode 39] 忘却のエスカルゴン) ==
:'''Meta Knight''': Tiff. Have you ever met that snail before?
:'''Tiff''': Never. I was just being nice to him because he seemed so upset.
:'''Meta Knight''': Hmmm. We've never met, but somehow he knew both of our names.
:'''Tiff''': I think the guy's missing a few marbles.
:'''Meta Knight''': Maybe so. We'd better keep an eye on him in case his condition worsens.
:'''Tiff''': I wonder if his name really is Escargoon...
:'''Escargoon''': ''[having overheard Tiff &amp; Meta Knight's conversation and realizing they've forgotten him as well]'' Oh, mercy! This is the darkest day of my life! ''[runs away crying]''

== [Episode 37] Monster Management ([Episode 40] 魔獣ハンターナックルジョー!)==
:'''King Dedede''': Ahh, ''[chuckles]'' Ain't nothin' like starting the day off with bubblin' bath!
:'''Escargoon''': It's great to be king.
:'''King Dedede''': Mmm-hm.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Our new management director suggested that we give you a hands-on demonstration. I believe you've met. Say hello, Joe.
:'''Knuckle Joe''': ''[turns around smiling while donning his new business suit]'' That's Knuckle Joe!
:''[King Dedede &amp; Escargoon's jaws drop in a huge state of surprise]''
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Nice to see you again, tubby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': Hey! Quit pluckin' my plumage, bub!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Knuckle Joe ain't qualified to work for N.M.E.!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': But Joe! I thought you wanted to battle on the side of the good guys!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': What a mess. It's gonna be monster mayhem! Well, I sure hope Kirby took his vitamins today.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[several Mini-Monsters rampage throughout Cappy Town, causing as much trouble as they want and wrecking as many things as they can find]''
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Ah! Knock it off, you lowlifes, or at least order something!
:'''Tuggle''': Yo! No piggin' out at my place without payin'!
:''[Knuckle Joe watches the chaos unfold in Cappy Town from a rooftop]''
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Perfect. Just like I planned.
:''[pan to more trouble caused in Cappy Town by the Mini-Monsters]''
:'''Prof. Curio''': Ah! That urn's an antique you uncultured brute!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': You are putting the planet in danger!
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Just trying to keep my bosses happy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Oh, that Knuckle Joe! Why did he make all this trouble?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Masher is a real heavyweight.
:'''Tiff''': ''[Replying to Meta Knight about Masher being a real heavyweight]'' You said it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Knuckle Joe leaps down, tosses away his business suit, and charges in to join in Masher's beatdown of Kirby]''
:'''Tiff''': Knuckle Joe! ''[starts shedding tears]'' Please don't do it.
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Get ready, Kirby. Your time is up! Vulcan Jab, Vulcan Jab, Vulcan Jab! ''(starts pounding on Kirby as well)''
:'''Tiff''': Poor Kirby.
:'''Tuff''': One bad guy was enough. How can Kirby win two against one?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[in reaction to Knuckle Joe's sudden betrayal against Masher]'' Hey! You was supposed to clobber Kirby, not mess with Masher!
:'''Knuckle Joe''': I tricked ya!
:''[everyone reacts in surprise]''
:'''Knuckle Joe''': It took a long time to plan, but it was worth it. I'm a monster hunter now, and I wanted to bag one of the big ones. That meant going after Masher!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Hmmm. So you hunted down Masher... with a suit and tie?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dedede''': That's De-de-devious! ''[laughing]''
:'''Escargoon''': What are you laughing at? Knuckle Joe just made you look like a knucklehead.
:'''Dedede''': AAAAH! You two-timer! Nobody monkeys with Triple D!
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Sorry, tubby. Too late!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I must take full responsibility, sir. It seems I fell for Joe's trick and...
:'''eNeMeE''': Forget it! Let the fools think they've beaten us. When they let their guard down, we'll teach them a lethal lesson. ''[laughs evilly]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': You were like a double agent, Joe!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Hunting down monsters throughout the universe... Joe, your father would be proud.

== [Episode 38] Prediction Predicament - Part I ([Episode 41] メーベルの大予言! (前編)) ==
:'''King Dedede''': Eh, What Happened?
:'''Escargoon''': You were sleepwalking, that's what happened! Or should I say you were sleepwhacking!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[screams]'' Kirbeh's after me again! ''[runs away]''
:'''Kirby''': ''[runs towards King Dedede]'' Poyo!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[runs faster]'' You keep dem fangs away from me, pinkeh!
:'''Kirby''': ''[runs faster]'' Payo, yayo!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mabel''': The monster that has been haunting you is your conscience, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': What's a conscience?
:'''Mabel''': It is the goodness that lies in the deepest part of you.
:'''Escargoon''': Oh please. The only thing lying in the deepest part of him is a fried cheese log.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Wonder what Dedede's up to?
:'''Tiff''': Based on past experience, I think it's safe to say it's something stupid.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': [about Phantom Star Gerath] Thousand years away, hmm? I don't know about our little friends, but I for one am feeling kind of impatient. What do you say we speed up the process just a little bit?
:'''Nightmare''': What a wonderful idea. ''[laughs evilly]''

== [Episode 39] Prediction Predicament - Part II ([Episode 42] メーベルの大予言! (後編)) ==
:'''Meta Knight''': Mice will always scamper away from a ship before it sinks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': Kirby... Any moment now we'll be dust in the wind. We've always been the best of buddies, huh, Kirby? Huh? Kirby? KIRBY!! Listen when I'm talkin' to ya!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': You did it! You lovable lug, you! You finally listened to your heart for once!

== [Episode 40] Sheepwrecked ([Episode 43] ヒツジたちの反逆)==
:'''Amon''': The time has come! We must defeat our oppressors. Our natural meekness has been mistaken for weakness, but from this day forward, we will not behave like simpering sheep, but like ravenous wolves. Throughout history, we have been dominated by fear. But now our oppressors will learn to fear us!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[flocks of angry sheep rampage throughout Cappy Town, eating as much food as they can find while also wrecking as many antiques as possible]''
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I knew sheep liked grass, but who knew they liked my food?
:'''Prof. Curio''': Oh, you can't go tearing up my shop like a pack of wolves!
:'''Tuggle''': Hey, you're getting wool all over my merchandise there.
:'''Amon''': You have done well. Dream Land is now at our mercy, but we will show no mercy. We will conquer this planet, my friends... and soon, the entire universe! ''[he and the other sheep howl triumphantly in unison]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amon''': Now you Cappies are the shuddering sheep, and the wicked wolves are in charge.
:'''Cappy''': Alright, what do you want us to do?
:'''Amon''': All of you, BAA!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Baa, Baa?
:'''Prof. Curio''': Baa, Baa...
:'''Amon''': I said, all of you! I command you! BAA!!!!!
:''[The Cappies and Waddle Dees Baa like sheep]''
:'''Amon''': Louder, or the wolves will get angry.
:''[The Cappies and Waddle Dees Baa even louder]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amon''': I command you. BAA! Or you will suffer the consequences! Those who disobey me will face the chopping block!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amon''': These cowards don't deserve their freedom.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amon''': There must be others like me. Others who yearn for freedom. I will seek them out, and perhaps one day I will lead a new flock.

== [Episode 41] War of the Woods ([Episode 44] ウィスピーウッズの友アコル)==
:'''Whispy Woods''': ''[about Acore]'' I can't be certain. He's been around for 800 years. There are many perils at such a great age.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': TUFF! 
:'''Tuff''': Ah! Hey Tiff, what's wrong? How come you look so mad?
:'''Tiff''': You know why! You were fighting!
:'''Iro''': We were just helping this old tree.
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, Whispy Woods asked us to.
:'''Tiff''': Oh really so Whispy Woods asked you to kick out those animals?
:'''Tuff''': Well, not exactly...
:'''Tiff''': Of course not. Because those animals helped that tree by living in it!
:'''Tuff, Iro, Spikehead And Honey''': Huh!?
:'''Kirby''': Poyo?
:'''Coo''': Acore provides us with a place to stay. And in exchange, we harm those insects and enrich the soil.
:'''Tiff''': That's right. Kicking them out was a mistake!
:'''Tuff, Iro, Spikehead And Honey''': [Sadly] Aw...
:'''Tuff''': We were only trying to help...
:'''Tokkori''': Well, ya didn't. Thanks to you that tree's even worse off than before!
:'''Coo''': You helped them too, Tokkori.
:'''Tokkori''': Yeah, I forgot that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Save the tears for your golf score, Sire.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon!
:'''Escargoon''': Your majesty! Come back!
:'''King Dedede''': We've been De-De-Divided!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Please don't fall, Acore!
:'''Tokkori''': It's too much! We can't hold 'im!
:'''Tiff''': Yes we can, just push!
:'''Coo''': We can't give up!
:'''Rick''': We can't let our friend come crashin' to the ground, mates!
:''[meanwhile, King Dedede and Escargoon are watching Kirby and co.'s valiant efforts to keep Acore standing from atop a nearby cliff]''
:'''King Dedede''': Heh heh heh heh heh. Them do-gooders think we gave up!
:'''Escargoon''': They're always overestimating our common sense. ''[has the Grasshopper Eavesdropper detonate near a nearby waterfall, causing a flood in one final attempt to destroy Acore]''

== [Episode 42] Pink-Collar Blues ([Episode 47] 帰れ、愛しのワドルディ)==
:'''Escargoon''': Believe me, it'll be cheaper than your hospital bill if you have to eat my cooking.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Don't Eat It!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon! Let's play some putt-putt!
:'''Escargoon''': I don't have time to watch you cheat at miniature golf. My entire life savings are in jeopardy!
:'''King Dedede''': Whadda ya mean I cheat?
:'''Escargoon''': Oops.
:'''King Dedede''': I ain't never cheated at miniature golf!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirby''': Poooyooooo! Poyo! ''[laughs cutely]'' Poyo! Poy!

== [Episode 43] Tourist Trap ([Episode 48] プププランド観光ツアー) ==
:'''Tiff''': Kabu here is not only extremely ancient, but he's also the wisest-- ''[notices the tourists throwing coins into Kabu's insides and gasps]'' Hey, no throwing coins!
:''[the tourists continue to throw coins into Kabu anyway]''
:'''King Dedede''': Let them folks toss away. It's free money.
:''[the tourists start painting graffiti all over Kabu]''
:'''Tuff''': Tiff, look what they're doin'! ''(Tiff notices what the tourists are now doing to Kabu)'' Knock it off!
:'''Tiff''': Kabu's one of the greatest treasures in Dream Land!
:''[the tourists bicker back at her in a foreign language]''
:'''Waddle Doo''': Chill out. We do this every place we visit.
:'''Tiff''': How rude!
:'''Escargoon''': Ah, who cares? It's just a talking tiki. Let's move it!
:''[King Dedede laughing]''
:''[the tourists prepare to leave for their next destination]''
:'''Tiff''': I'm sorry, Kabu. We'll come back and clean you up.
:'''Kabu''': I could use some moisturizer too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waddle Doo''': ''[to the tourists, pointing to his flask of ice]'' Shibi ton pa, ha ta sai Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': As far as tourism goes, Sire, here's my opinion. You might as well rename Dream Land &quot;Snoozeville&quot;!
:'''King Dedede''': Well, as far as I'm concerned, them tourists can take a hike!

== [Episode 44] A Novel Approach ([Episode 38] 読むぞい! 驚異のミリオンセラー)==
:'''King Dedede''': Somebody stole all the pictures out of this here book! It's all gobbledygook here.
:'''Escargoon''': They're words.
:''[Beat]''
:'''Escargoon''': Arghh! You rule a Kingdom and you don't even know how to read?
:''[Beat]''
:'''King Dedede''': Course I know how to read, you dummy! I learned how to before I got expelled from kindergarten!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Give me that book! I'm only up to chapter 2!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': They must be under a spell. Knock it off, King Dedede is using this game to hurt Kirby!
:'''Rowlin [Fake]''': It's too late Tiff, you can't break my spell. ''[evily laughs]''
:'''Rowlin''': You imposter! How dare you be me.
:'''Tiff''': So then you're the real author?
:'''Rowlin''': You've been hoodwinked by her. She didn't create Pappy Pottey!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rowlin''': No matter how sad we feel or how bad our circumstances, we can use our imaginations to dream something better. We should never give up on our dreams because they're what build our tomorrows!

== [Episode 45] Snack Attack - Part I ([Episode 52] 悪魔のチョコカプセル! (前編)) ==
:'''King Dedede''': I want all them candies with mini-figures in this here store!
:'''Tuggle''': Every single one of 'em?
:'''Gengu''': I don't know.
:'''King Dedede''': Perhaps this'll persuade ya. ''[laughs as he places blocks of money at Tuggle &amp; Gengu's counter to their delight]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Hmm... So they think my mini figure will be popular. Hmm... I like that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief Bookem''': ''(to Dedede)'' I'm sorry, Your Highness, but I gotta do my duty. Next time you wanna steal, just raise our taxes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I felt like a zoo animal sitting in that jail cell.
:'''Escargoon''': No self-respecting zoo would take you.

== [Episode 46] Snack Attack - Part II ([Episode 53] 悪魔のチョコカプセル! (後編)) ==
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': You've got to think creatively, D. The monsters were designed to look like toys, so they could play around with their enemies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Can't tell a crook by its blubber!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': This is perfect.
:'''Tiff''': What're you talking about?
:'''Tuff''': It's over. Kirby's gonna lose the match.
:'''Meta Knight''': In order to mature, Kirby must be pushed to his utmost limits. Only then will he learn to exceed them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Uh oh. Kirby's gonna get pulverized.
:'''Tiff''': That wrestler's too big.
:'''Meta Knight''': Every opponent has a weakness.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''*laughs*'' I tried to sell you more fighting monsters, but you decided to pinch your pennies. Now you're stuck with the junk, Big D.
:'''King Dedede''': I'll never collect nothin' again!

== [Episode 47] Cartoon Buffoon ([Episode 49] アニメ新番組星のデデデ) ==
:'''King Dedede''': Do y'all know how to tell a story? Do y'all know how to draw 'til your fingers fall off? Do y'all know how to color inside the lines? Then we want YOU! ''[Laughs]'' I'm the most important person in this whole jointhouse! Heck, I'm the producer!
:'''Spikehead''': A producer? What does a producer do?
:'''Iro''': A producer doesn't do anything.
:'''Escargoon''': Hmmmm, they gotcha there, Majesty.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[the Cappies present their poorly-drawn pictures of Dedede Man]''
:'''Mayor Len''': I think I've really captured you, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[tears the drawing out of Len's hand]'' I oughtta capture you!
:'''Iro''': What do you think, Your Majesty?
:'''King Dedede''': ''[tears the drawing out of Iro's hand]'' I think it stinks!
:'''Tuggle''': Pretty good, huh?
:'''King Dedede''': ''[tears the drawing out of Tuggle's hand]'' Pretty awful!
:'''Melman''': I slimmed you down a bit.
:'''King Dedede''': ''(yells as he tears the drawing out of Melman's hand]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': All you lazy louts better be workin'!
:'''Chief Bookem''': Lazy?!
:'''Mayor Len''': With all due respect, we're working as hard as we can.
:'''King Dedede''': If you don't get crackin', I'm gonna have to give you all a whackin'!
:'''Escargoon''': ''[Grunts]'' We'd better air what we just have.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[the altered opening of King Dedede's new show starts playing''
:'''King Dedede''': ''[singing to the opening]'' Dedede! That's the name you should know! Dedede! He's the king of the show! You'll holler and hoot, he'll give Kirby the boot! Dedede's the one!
:'''Tiff''': ''[reacting to the new show's altered opening]'' Hey! Kirby's supposed to be the star!
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, now it's about Dedede.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Okay, guys. Get ready.
:'''Tuff''': Our lines are coming up.
:'''Meta Knight''': Tiff, I am nervous. I have never... acted before.
:'''Tiff''': Don't worry. You'll do great.
:'''Meta Knight''': Thank you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Hehehe I AM A SUPAHSTAR WARRIAH heh.
:'''Tiff''': &quot;Dedede Saves the Day&quot;? Hey, wait! Where'd that title come from?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': That cheat! Dedede made Kirby look like the bad guy!
:'''Tuff''': He must've switched stuff around while we weren't looking.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Good morning, Majesty.
:'''Dedede''': Well, if it ain't my faithful servant, Escargoon!
:'''Escargoon''': My, aren't you looking fit as a fiddle!
:'''Dedede''': You're downright spiffy yourself.
:'''Escargoon''': Have you seen Kirby today, Majesty?
:'''Dedede''': He don't scare me none!
:'''Tiff''': Those two changed my script so they look like heroes! ''[Growls]''
:'''Tuff''': If Dedede and Escargoon are heroes, this sure isn't a reality show.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': We're right behind you majesty. You're a hero to us all!
:'''King Dedede''': Oh come now. Little ol' me a hero? Surely you jestin'!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Look! It is Fire Dedede, our Hero! ''[to You]'' I would never say that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Look at that charisma!
:'''Escargoon''': Majesty, we're gonna have to ad-lib this part, we never wrote the last two pages of the script!
:'''King Dedede''': Ad-lib? YOU COULDN'T TELL ME THIS BEFORE, YOU SCATTERBRAINED ''[As he hits Escargoon with his mallet]'' SLUG?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Sigh]'' All this animation's giving me palpitation!
:'''Escargoon''': I'll never direct another cartoon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Hey, this is great!
:'''Tiff''': It's one of those shows that's so bad it's good!

== [Episode 48] Don't Bank on It ([Episode 50] 貯めるぞい! のろいの貯金箱) ==
:'''King Dedede''': Time for me to work on my hypno-doot-dooey.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''(speaking through the Dedede Dolls)'' Dedede... You like me... Dedede... You trust me...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Have you ever wondered how all that money got there in the first place?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Sleep tight. You gonna be in for a rude awakening.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Dedede is tired. I ain't gettin' no rest. If I can't sleep, then neither can you fools! WAKE UP! ''[starts psychically using his Dedede Dolls to pummel the residents of Cappy Town, laughing all the while, except for Tiff, who already locked up her own doll inside one of her drawers before going to sleep]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': That's one dangerous doll. Last night, it stomped me without any warning. Kick that thing out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Hey! Quit strangling me!
:'''Escargoon''': I'm only trying to prevent something terrible from happening to you, Sire!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': We're broke. We're right back where we've started, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': I can't afford to buy no more monsters. ''[cries]'' But I still got one doll left so's I can get my revenge!
:'''Escargoon''': I dunno. Playing with dolls can be hazardous to your health.
:'''King Dedede''': That don't matter none to me so long as I get that Kirby! ''[laughs]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Now that's embarrassing.
:'''Escargoon''': Honey, you don't know the meaning of embarrassing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': Turn into Doll Kirby!
:''[Kirby jumps up in an attempt to transform and gain the ability of the Dedede Doll he just inhaled, but falls back down, unable to gain any ability]''
:'''Tokkori''': Figures. Guess you don't have enough brains to be a doll.

== [Episode 49] Kirby Takes the Cake ([Episode 51] センチメンタル・カービィ) ==
:'''Tuff''': Hah! This is fun. I bet Kirby doesn't know a thing about his surprise party.
:'''Tiff''': Probably. He hardly knows anything.
:'''Tuff, Spikehead, Iro, &amp; Honey''': That's true.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Len''': Kirby, I didn't see you there! This is no place for you, I'm afraid.
:'''Prof. Curio''': That's right. We're busy, so, uh... Run along.
:'''Mayor Len''': Shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo. ''[Kirby begins to leave]'' Bye bye, Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief Bookem''': Oh! Sorry, Kirby. Lots to do today. Gotta apprehend a couple of donuts!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': That there's a weapon of mass Dedede-struction.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': You saw it! This whole town's revoltin'!
:'''Escargoon''': You said it!
:'''King Dedede''': They lookin' to dispossess me and tarnish the reputation of the Dedede Dynasty! Them ungrateful ingrates!
:'''Escargoon''': After all you've done to them!
:'''King Dedede''': ''*growls*'' I'll stamp out them double-crossers! How can them Cappies Dedede-throne ME?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': I saw this coming. After all, a ruler like you is loud, mean, nasty, sneaky, self-centered... ''(King Dedede angrily flattens him)'' ''(weakly)'' ...did I mention violent...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Hey there, Triple D. What up?
:'''King Dedede''': I'll tell you what's up. I need you to send me your most powerful monster!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Our most powerful monster? Sounds urgent.
:'''King Dedede''': You bet it's urgent! I'm about to become the victim of a Cappy-comb!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I think I've got one for you, but I should warn ya. He's a bit of a slippery character.
:'''King Dedede''': Whadda ya mean?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': You see, he has trouble distinguishing between friend and foe. Poor little fella gets confused sometimes. I'd wanna handle this one with care, Big D!
:'''King Dedede''': You send it over and we'll handle it real good!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': What's that? Nobody wants to play with ya? ''[bursts out laughing about what Kirby told him]'' Nobody wants to play with ya, 'cause nobody likes ya!
:'''Kirby''': ''[shocked by what Tokkori just said to him]'' POYO?!
:'''Tokkori''': Ever since you got here, you've been a pink pain in the neck. As usual, I'm the only one around here with the guts to tell you the truth! Everybody says that Kirby is nothin' but trouble. If I was you, I'd fly the coop cause you ain't welcome here, Sonny! ''[Kirby starts packing up]'' With you outta the way, things would finally get back to normal, and I could take over this cottage permanent. Booooy, wouldn't that be the day? ''[notices that Kirby's gone]'' Huh? Kirby? Where'd that boy go?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kabu''': Wait! Do not go. You are troubled, my friend, and your heart is full of sorrow. One year has passed since you came to Dream Land.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': Ah! There ya are! Hey, next time you run away, tell me where you're goin', would ya? I've been lookin' high and low for ya. Yer girlfriend's plenty steamed at me cause a' you. Come on! Get movin'! Everybody in Cappy Town's goin' crazy worryin', so come on back home!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': A whole year has passed. How quickly time flies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': I'm sorry, Kirby. We didn't play with you because we didn't want to ruin the surprise for you. We wouldn't want to hurt you for anything, Kirby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': They really outdid themselves there. I've heard of pretty girls poppin' outta cakes, but this is even better!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': That's new.
:'''Tuff''': What mode is that, Meta Knight?
:'''Meta Knight''': He is now Bomb Kirby.
:'''Tiff &amp; Tuff''': Bomb Kirby?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': You have indeed grown in many ways this year. I cannot wait to see what changes next year brings.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Happy first anniversary, Kirby. We're all very happy that you came to Dream Land. Kirby, we love you.

== [Episode 50] Air-Ride-in-Style - Part I ([Episode 96] ワープスターの危機! (前編)) ==
:'''King Dedede''': I've been real patient with you, but I want me a monster that can whup Kirby now!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I understand your disappointment, Big D, but I've been sending you top-of-the-line monsters all along.
:'''King Dedede''': Well the bottom line is, them lamos was losers!
:'''Escargoon''': That's right! His majesty may be a big fat meathead, but how many half-baked freakazoids are you gonna send me?!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[bops Escargoon]'' I'll do the complaining here.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Maybe you've been going about stopping Kirby the wrong way. Have you ever thought about-
:'''King Dedede''': I ain't interested in thinking! I know everything there is to know about catching Kirby already.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I was only going to remind your fly-ness about Kirby's secret weapon.
:'''King Dedede''': Say what?
:'''Escargoon''': Secret weapon?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''[laughs]'' I'm referring of course to Kirby's shining star; the Warp Star.
:'''King Dedede''': The Warp Star?
:'''Escargoon''': That's what that Tiff always calls out.
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah. The big ol' thing comes flying to rescue Kirby.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''[laughs again]'' See what a little thing he can do... ''[Dedede pelts his monitor with an egg, surprising him]''
:'''King Dedede''': Just kill the dip-strip and get to the point.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': As I was about to say, Sire, if Kirby didn't have the Warp Star to come to his rescue, Kirby would be easy to get rid of.
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, that's it! If we can stop the Warp Star, we can stop Kirby! Hah!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sir Ebrum''': Good day, Your Majesty.
:'''Lady Like''': You most certainly startled us.
:'''Tiff''': You better not be here for Kirby.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[laughs]'' We're not here for the little pod.
:'''King Dedede''': We here for the big mouth!
:'''Tiff''': Huh? ''[The limousine use a grab nabber to nab her]''
:'''Tuff''': You can't do that!
:'''Lady Like''': Tiff, no!
:''[Dedede and Escargoon stuff Tiff into their limo and drive away with her, they laughing]''
:'''Tuff''': ''[chases Dedede's limousine alongside Kirby, Fololo &amp; Falala]'' COME BACK!
:'''Fololo''': HEY!
:'''Tuff''': '''YOU DIRTY CROOK!!!'''
:'''Sir Ebrum''': How dare he! That blaggard has kidnapped our daughter!
:'''Lady Like''': We have to get her back somehow!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At the dungeon]''
:'''King Dedede''': Lookie here, girly. you can have yourself all of these sweety cakes and creamy puffs confidence and yo kingly ol' friend Dedede.
:'''Escargoon''': That's right, I'll you gotta do is cooperate. Here, have a cupcake.
:'''Tiff''': I wouldn't touch your cruddy cupcake. Now you better untie me and let me go right now. RIGHT NOW!
:'''Escargoon''': Oh, we'll let you go soon enough.
:'''King Dedede''': Just say the magic words!
:'''Tiff''': What magic words?
:'''Escargoon''': the one you say it whenever that pesky pinky in the pickle.
:'''Both''': Kabu.
:'''King Dedede''': Warp Star!
:''[Both laughing]''
:'''King Dedede''': Now all you gotta do is say it. And if you don't say it, we gonna keep you tied up not too tight till you do, got it?
:'''Tiff''': Hmph.
:'''Escargoon''': Yeah! Tell us where he's hidin' that Warp Star!
:'''Tiff''': I'm not gotta tell you and you two anything.
:'''Tuff''': ''[offscreen]'' Hey, Tiff!
:'''All''': Huh?
:'''Tuff''': Let's go!
:'''Tiff''': What are you doing here?
:'''Escargoon''': Look, it's the little brother to the rescue. Ain't that nauseating?
:'''King Dedede''': Get lost. We trying to find out where Kirby's Warp Star's at.
:'''Tuff''': Uh...that's easy. The Warp Star's inside Kabu.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:''[Dedede, Escargoon, and Tiff all react in shock and Tuff, having realized what he just said, covers his mouth, and then Dedede and Escargoon burst out laughing and then run off to Kabu]''
:'''Tuff''': ''[untying Tiff]'' Sorry. It just slipped out.
:'''Tiff''': Some secret keeper. ''[sighs]''
:'''Tuff''': Hurry!
:'''Tiff''': Luckily, we don't have to hurry.
:''[Kirby starts eating the food Dedede and Escargoon had out on the table while interrogating Tiff]''
:'''Tuff''': But what if they find it somehow?
:'''Tiff''': Even if Dedede and Escargoon found the Warp Star, it wouldn't do them any good.
:'''Tuff''': Huh?
:'''Tiff''': Because they don't understand the power of the Warp Star like I do.
:''[Tiff flashes back to the events of Dark and Stormy Knight, where she revealed to Meta Knight that she brought the Warp Star to Kabu to keep it safe and secret, and called upon it to aid Kirby during his fight against Kracko]''
:'''Tuff''': I remember all that, too. But I wanna know where you got the idea to hide the Warp Star inside Kabu.
:'''Tiff''': Well that was easy. I remember the first time I saw it.
:''[Tiff flashes back to when she and Prof. Curio first discovered the Warp Star's pedestal inside Kabu]''
:'''Prof. Curio''': Look! I've never seen that.
:'''Tiff''': ''[narrating]'' It was like it was made for the Warp Star. It had to stay with Kabu.
:''[flashback ends]''
:'''Tuff''': It sure is weird. ''(about the Warp Star's pedestal)'' But the Warp Star fits inside it so perfect, especially since Kabu's been around for millions of years.
:'''Tiff''': Of course it's weird. Everything about Kabu is weird.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Alright Kabu, I'm gonna ask ya one last time. Now is you or is you ain't hiding Kirby's Warp Star? ''(Kabu doesn't respond)''
:'''Escargoon''': Alright, Mr. Frozen Face, now you're gonna get it!
:'''Waddle Doo''': Attack! ''[the Waddle Dees throw their spears at Kabu, but they simply bounce off him without any effect on him]''
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon! I want that freaky tiki in jail!
:'''Escargoon''': In jail?
:'''King Dedede''': Waddle Doo! Throw Kabu in the dungeon, you hear?
:'''Waddle Doo''': Dungeon?! But Your Majesty, I don't have the Waddle Dee power. Kabu's too big to move!
:'''King Dedede''': What?
:'''Escargoon''': Believe it or not, he's heavier than you are.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[to Meta Knight]'' You're not in charge of the Warp Star. I am.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughing]'' The Wimp Star's high-tailin' it home to Kabu.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Home to Kabu? What do you mean?
:'''Escargoon''': Kabu's been hiding the Warp Star. Get with the program, pal!
:'''King Dedede''': Them pals thought they was pretty clever.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': This isn't good, D. Better cancel that Kirby farewell party. I'm afraid that Warp Star's gonna be back in tip top shape in no time.
:'''King Dedede and Escargoon''': ''[In horrorified]'' Huh?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Kabu's sort of a hospital for Warp Stars and wounded Star Warriors... Like a big recovery room.
:'''King Dedede &amp; Escargoon''': '''''RECOVERY?!?!?!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Kabu, what are we gonna do? The Warp Star's damaged.
:'''Kabu''': The Warp Star will need time to recover.
:'''Kirby''': ''[sadly]'' Po-poyo, po...
:'''Tiff''': Kirby, Kabu says the Warp Star's tired right now. The only thing we can do is wait for the Warp Star to get better again.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo...

== [Episode 51] Air-Ride-in-Style - Part II ([Episode 97] ワープスターの危機! (後編))==
:'''Escargoon''': ''[after watching the Formula Star Rider's defeat]'' I'd say that guy's a formula for disaster.
:'''King Dedede''': I ain't worried none. We still got three more left here. ''[laughing]'' Kirby just got lucky that time, that's all.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, what's he slurpin' up all that water for?
:'''Escargoon''': Maybe he ate somethin' salty.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kirby has defeated the Rocket Star Air Rider]''
:'''Tuff''': Yeah!
:'''Tiff''': They might be faster, but Kirby's way smarter.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[after having watched the Winged Star Rider's defeat and angrily growls]'' These Air Riders is a bust. Whatcha givin' me?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Hold on there, gents. After all, the show's not over yet, is it?
:'''Escargoon''': No, but it better have an unhappy ending.
:'''King Dedede''': This last one better do the trick or you in trouble here!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': You'll see that Shadow Star's the grand finale.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[about the Winged Star]'' Wow, Kirby really knows how to fly that thing!
:'''Meta Knight''': A Star Warrior can fly anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': How'd we get inside Kabu? What happened?
:'''Tuff''': Don't you remember? You and Kirby were flying on the Warp Star and you fell off.
:''[Tiff remembers when a blast from a Destraya chipped off a piece of Kirby's Warp Star and knocked both of them off]''
:'''Tuff''': We were kind of worried. You and Kirby have been knocked out ever since.
:'''Tiff''': But what about the flying fighters that were after Kirby?
:'''Tuff''': What flying fighters?
:'''Tiff''': What do you mean what flying fighters?
:'''Tuff''': There weren't any fighters. We've all been inside waiting for you guys to wake up.
:'''Meta Knight''': Tiff, did you really see them?
:'''Tiff''': I'm telling you, I saw them, Meta Knight. You don't think I'd lie, do you?
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''Kabu''': No, Tiff. It was all a dream. A dream that only you and Kirby dreamt.
:'''Tiff''': I don't understand.
:'''Kabu''': Tiff, I sent you and Kirby that dream. I have learned from others like me that eNeMeE has been stealing Air Ride Machines throughout the universe.
:'''Tiff''': But I still don't understand why you would send that dream to Kirby and me.
:'''Kabu''': Kirby must learn to fly not just Warp Stars, but other battle vehicles as well.
:'''Tiff''': Well you should be proud of him. Kirby flew those things like a pro.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Well, it seems Kirby and his Warp Star aren't invincible after all.
:'''Nightmare''': It's only a matter of time before the Warp Star will be ours for the taking. ''[laughs evilly]''

== [Episode 52] Scare Tactics - Part I ([Episode 45] 真夏の夜のユーレイ! (前編))==
:'''Tiff''': ''[to Kirby]'' It must be real hard to play soccer when you're always mistaken for the ball.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': ''[laughs heartily]'' How's that? You saw an actual ghost?
:'''Chief Bookem''': From the scream she let out, I'd have to say you're right, Mayor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuggle''': What good's being a kid if you don't have nightmares once in a while?

== [Episode 53] Scare Tactics - Part II ([Episode 46] 真夏の夜のユーレイ! (後編))==
:'''Meta Knight''': I sense a dangerous force at work here. It must be eNeMeE.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Uh-oh. Escargoon? Yo! You okay? I done mistook you for a ghost!
:'''Escargoon''': ...How many ghosts take showers?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I was about to rid your kingdom of Kirby once and for all, and you two nearly spoiled it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': This little bonehead's a real shocker!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirby''': Zzzzzzzzz....

== [Episode 54] One Crazy Knight ([Episode 54] やりすぎの騎士! キハーノ)==
:'''Sir Gallant''': Greetings, peasants! I am Sir Gallant, and I have been greatly moved by your plight and by the courage that you have shown in the face of such monstrous enslavement. But fear not. The end of your oppression is at hand!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sir Gallant''': ''[to Windwhipper]'' So, we meet again. You bested me last time, but this time I will prevail!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mabel''': It is up to you to fight for justice everywhere.

== [Episode 55] Sweet &amp; Sour Puss ([Episode 55] ある愛のデデデ)==
:''[In the morning, at the Castle]''
:'''Escargoon''': Dedede's a rotten boss to work for. That I can't deny. He yells and screams and criticizes, no matter how I try. I deserve a raise, but the king refuses. All I ever get are bumps and bruises! He's a grouch. He's a grump. But I stay. Maybe I'll be king one day.
:''[King Dedede suddenly looms over Escargoon, but something about the former seems different; he's acting much nicer and more patient than normal]''
:'''King Dedede''': So, I'm a grouch and a grump and a rotten boss, huh?
:'''Escargoon''': ''[Blushes, nervously]'' I wasn't talking about you. It was a different tyrant.
:'''King Dedede''': That's okay.
:'''Escargoon''': Ah! ''[Exclaims]'' Look out! ''[He accidentally dumps the roses with a vase on King Dedede and whimpering. Dedede pull the vase off his head, Escargoon dreaming about to get clobbered by Dedede]'' Please don't clobber me.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Chuckles]'' I sure won't.
:'''Escargoon''': Huh? You mean you're not gonna mash me with your mallet?
:'''King Dedede''': No, I forgive you.
:'''Escargoon''': Huh? You do? I wonder if I still dreaming. ''[thuds and Dedede walks away]'' He's acting like he traded personalities with a teddy bear. Must be a ruse to get my guard down. ''[Dedede returns with a mop]'' I knew it! ''[Dedede cleans up the mess on the floor with the mop]'' Huh? ''[Dedede still cleaning]'' You can't trick me by pretending that you're not angry. I know you're planning to mop the floor with me.
:'''King Dedede''': I ain't angry with you.
:'''Escargoon''': Please don't torture me this way!!
:'''King Dedede''': Let's let bygones be bygones!
:'''Escargoon''': It's hard to believe but, maybe he means it. ''[exclaims in happily]'' Sire!
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[He grabs the mop from Dedede]'' There's no way I'm falling for that gag. You fooled me too many times. ''[He pushes Dedede causing him to accidentally step on a rose thorn and then cause the vase to crash onto his head]'' Oh boy! I'm in for in now!
:'''King Dedede''': Why'd you push me?
:'''Escargoon''': ''[Whimpers]'' I'm sorry!
:'''King Dedede''': That's okay.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[screams in shocked and Dedede luaghs]'' That's it! I give you! Sire, please stop acting like you don't want to get even with me? ''[cries]''
:'''King Dedede''': I just want us to be friends.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[screams in horrified]'' OH NO!!! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!!! ''[laughs in horrified]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': That Dr. Yabui is full of hooey!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Why can't we all just be friends?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': This hallway needs a traffic light.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Isn't anybody normal around here?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Togeira, inside his head, has just stored enough of his anger and now unleashes it into an explosive flaming rage from within him, causing him to let loose a rage-filled roar to everyone's horror while causing Escargoon whimpering at the same time]'' &lt;big&gt;'''Now it's payback time!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Tuff''': No more Mr. Nice Guy.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo! Po, poy!
:'''Tiff''': He's back to his old self.
:'''Meta Knight''': No, the monster is still controlling him.
:'''King Dedede''': &lt;big&gt;'''Alright Escargoon, who's been beating on me!?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[yells in panic, then laughs nervously and afterwards throws Dedede's hammer to Kirby]'' Uh, Kirby!
:'''Kirby''': Poy! ''[Dedede grabs his hammer back from him]'' Po, poyo? Po...
:'''King Dedede''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''WELL NOW I'M GONNA POUND YOU 'TIL YOU'RE FLAT AS A FLAPPYJACK!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Whoa, that monster's super mad!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kirby and friends laugh at each other]''
:'''Kirby''': Poyo, poyo! Poyo, poyo!

== [Episode 56] Dedede's Pet Threat ([Episode 56] わがままペットスカーフィ) ==
:'''King Dedede''': Aww... Ain't my new Scarfy-poos sweet, Escargoonie-goon?
:'''Escargoon''': Yeah, I suppose they're kind of sweet. The kind of sweet that makes you barf.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': What's the matter? Ain't I tasty enough?

== [Episode 57] A Half-Baked Battle ([Episode 57 パイを笑う者はパイに泣くぞい!) ==
:'''Kirby''': Hahahahahahaha! ''[laughs at King Dedede]''
:'''Tokkori''': HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!
:'''Escargoon''': Get a load of that!
:'''Buttercup &amp; Chief Bookem''': HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
:'''Escargoon''': Let's show an instant replay! ''[laughs]''
:'''Prof. Curio''': HOHOHOHAHAHA!!!!!
:'''Escargoon''': Here it is from another angle! ''[laughs]''
:'''Tuggle &amp; Gus''': HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
:'''Escargoon''': ''[Laughs even harder]''
:'''Chef Kawasaki, Gengu &amp; 2 Other Cappies''': HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
:'''Escargoon''': I gotta see this again! Roll it in slow-mo this time! ''[A slow-mo of King Dedede getting hit by the pie is shown on TV, laughs]''
:'''Iro &amp; His Parents''': HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dedede''': I'm through with that chef show! I want some good grub and all I get is a pie in the eye!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dedede''': ''[overhears Tiff's family laughing at him getting hit with a pie]'' Hey, what's so funny? ''[the family stops laughing for a few seconds, and then starts laughing again]''
:'''Sir Ebrum''': You're quite the comedian, your majesty!
:'''Tiff''': A cream pie in the face... now that's a classic! ''[She and Sir Ebrum start laughing again while Dedede growls angrily]''
:'''Escargoon''': Slowing down the tape for a moment, we clearly see the stunned expression on the king's face as he is unexpectedly pie-pummeled. ''[laughs at the repeats twice]''
:'''Lady Like''': You also made my family scream many times in the past, your majesty. But now it's screaming with laughter!
:'''Tuff''': It's funnier every time they show it! ''[Dedede growls again before running out of the living room]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dedede''': I'm replacing it with a brand new show. It's one of them reality programs... called Pie Justice!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Dedede! Pie throwing isn't just a waste of time. It's also a waste of food! You should be ashamed of yourself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Here's a little get well present for ya, D-Man! We heard you had a serious case of pie-arrhea!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Now listen up! His Highness is declaring a new law!
:'''King Dedede''': From now on, anybody in this here kingdom who says the word &quot;poyo&quot; is gonna be found guilty of treason!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo?
:'''King Dedede''': AH! Y'all heard that trash-talkin' traitor!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Why don't you suck it up!? ''[tastes the custard]'' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''UUUUUGGGHHH!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Bellybuster must make his pies in a barber shop. They taste like shaving cream, except worse.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Kirby, suck it up!
:'''Kirby''': ''[covers his mouth and shakes his head no]''
:'''Tiff''': ''[gasps]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Not even Kirby could eat anything that bad.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Somebody cooks worse than me! ''[laughs heartily]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': I feel... dirty. ''[Sigh]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Here comes the custard!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': What's happening?!
:'''Meta Knight''': Bellybuster has swallowed them and they will now be... digested.
:'''Tiff''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''NO!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

== [Episode 58] eNeMeE Elementary ([Episode 58] 魔獣教師でお仕置きよ!)==
:'''Tuff''': ''[Singing]'' When old King Dedede came to town, he got off his throne and his pants fell down.
:'''Spikehead''': ''[Singing]'' He thinks he's a king, but he's really a clown.
:'''Honey''': ''[Singing]'' When Dedede came to town!
:'''Tuff, Iro, Spikehead &amp; Honey''': ''[Singing]'' When old King Dedede starts to roar, he never heard anything like it before.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo, Poyo!
:'''Tuff, Iro, Spikehead &amp; Honey''': ''[Singing]'' Unless of course, you heard him snore, then Dedede starts to roar! ''[Laughing]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escagoon''': ''[Laughing]'' That's you, sire.
:'''King Dedede''': They're making a monkey out of me!
:'''Escargoon''': Oh, you've got to admit, it is pretty funny, sire. ''(laughing again)'' Huh? ''(sees his own drawing)'' I'll sue those little punks!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': How come we have to wear these goofy-looking robes?
:'''King Dedede''': 'Cause I'm the one selling them, that's why!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Must be the spirit of creativitude taking over!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[being possessed by the demon hat]'' Listen up you rowdy bunch of hooligans! ''[To Kirby]'' If you think you can get away with that kind of behavior in my class, [[w:You've Got Another Thing Comin'|You've Got Another Thing Comin'!]]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Cries]'' Them ruffians ain't never gonna learn no manners! ''[Cries Again]''

== [Episode 59] The Meal Moocher ([Episode 59] 最強番組, 直撃! 晩ごはん) ==
:'''King Dedede''': ''[He starts to shake and hold the menu in the air, everyone backs away as he tears the menu in half]'' I WANT NEW FOOD AND I WANT IT NOW!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hana''': ''[to Kirby]'' You came just in time! I'm about to serve dinner. Would you like to come join us?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Just look at 'im! That pink pan-handler hustled three dinners out of those Cappies in one night!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sir Ebrum''': ''[about the idea of winning money through a meal]'' That's interesting.
:'''Lady Like''': It would be nice to win that money.
:'''Sir Ebrum''': Oh dear, we're above that sort of thing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughing]'' Just remember, I like king-sized portions!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Buttercup''': Oh, we'll begin with the miso soup! It's from an old Japanese recipe I found. The second course will be sushi! There are twelve different varieties! We also have a medley of spring vegetables - many from outside Dream Land - all steamed to perfection and sprinkled with the special egg soy sauce! Next, comes a new dish I just invented: turkey tempura! There's also a special treat: broiled eel and onions! Those are just the appetizers! Now, for the main course!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[his thinking-voice]'' This is trouble. I gotta stop the king from giving them a five-star rating, or our bank accounts is going belly-up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Buttercup''': My crab has been sabotaged! I demand to see an instant replay just before the main course!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[he grabs Escargoon's goatee]'' '''HEY!''' What's the idea torchin' my tongue!?
:'''Escargoon''': Sorry, Sire. But I had to act quick cause you can't afford to pay out any more prize money!
:'''King Dedede''': Let's see how you like you red pepper, You double-dealin' spice sneakin' slug, here!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I done decided that I don't feel like dinin' on crab no more. 'Specially when it's bigger than me. But you can go on ahead and eat it yourself if you want to.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Not even Kirby gets hungry enough to gobble up a giant monster for dinner. ''[laughs with everybody until Kirby gets ready to inhale the crab he just cooked, much to their shock]'' Kirby! &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''NOOO!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

== [Episode 60] Crusade for the Blade ([Episode 60] 宝剣ギャラクシア!) ==
:'''King Dedede''': ''[yawns]'' I ain't seen no flyin' saucers here. I just wanna go back to bed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sirica''': 	Meta Knight!
:''[Meta Knight looks up to see Sirica on a level higher than the one he's standing on]''
:'''Sirica''': It's been a very long time.
:'''Meta Knight''': You speak as though we have met. Have we?
:'''Sirica''': So you don't remember? My mother was the Star Warrior Garlude!
:''[Meta Knight gasps in realization that Sirica is Garlude's daughter, just before Sirica starts opening fire on him and his knights with her machine gun]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Who are you?
:'''Sirica''': My name is Sirica.
:'''Tiff''': Why are you after Meta Knight?
:'''Sirica''': He has something that is very precious to me. His sword: Galaxia.
:'''Tiff''': Galaxia?
:'''Tuff''': You mean Meta Knight's sword has a name?
:'''Kirby''': Poyo?
:'''Tiff''': This is ridiculous! Meta Knight's a great Star Warrior, not a thief like you.
:'''Sirica''': Hmph. Meta Knight inspires great loyalty, for someone so heartless.
:''[Kirby and the kids gasp at what Sirica just said]''
:'''Tuff''': What do you mean?!
:'''Sirica''': Your friend Meta Knight was an enemy of my mother. ''[begins flashback, in her mind]'' It was many many, years ago. My mother Garlude was considered the greatest of all Star Warriors. She and Meta Knight had been chosen among many noble warriors to reclaim the sacred sword, Galaxia, which had been stolen by the evil beast: Kirisakin. They began to battle the great monster. Both were brave and fought valiantly, but in the end, the beast proved too strong for Garlude. Just as she was reclaiming the sword, she was overpowered! Meta Knight stood and watched as my mother lost the battle. He stole the sword and fled, leaving my mother to perish... alone. ''[ends flashback]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': She's a little girl with a big ol' gun and a whole lot of attitude!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Very interesting. Well, if this space girl's as tough as you say she is, then I better send over the &quot;big guy&quot;. ''[sends Kirisakin to King Dedede and Escargoon as it roars and clashes its two scythes over its head]''
:'''King Dedede''': Now that's a monster!	
:'''Escargoon''': Ugh... I think I'm gonna faint.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sirica''': That sword is mine! Now you will pay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sirica''': ''[having heard a familiar lion-esque roar and seen Kirisakin making its way to Kabu]'' This can't be... it's Kirisakin, the great monster.
:'''Meta Knight''': Kirisakin is here to reclaim the Galaxia sword. We must stop it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Galaxia''': ''[after Sirica tries to pry it from the ground a second time]'' My name is Galaxia. Only the most powerful of knights may wield my ancient magic. Meta Knight is the chosen one. Your mother Garlude knew well this truth. ''[begins flashback to how Garlude sacrificed herself to deliver Galaxia to Meta Knight]'' In sacrificing her life, Garlude made the ultimate sacrifice.
:''[Garlude manages to pry Galaxia from its pedestal and throws it to Meta Knight before Kirisakin delivers the killing blow to her from behind. Meta Knight claims Galaxia and leaps at Kirisakin to fight it. End flashback]''
:'''Sirica''': If my mother gave my life for this, I shall too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sirica''': Galaxia... Now I know what a great Star Warrior my mother was to the very end.
:'''Meta Knight''': Sirica. Your mother would have been so proud.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Wow, Meta Knight! She was a great warrior.

== [Episode 61] Fitness Fiend ([Episode 61] 肥惨! スナックジャンキー)==
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Surrounded by potato chip bags]'' Y'know, there's jus' somthin' about sittin' in front o' the TV all day long that gives me the nibblies!
:'''Escargoon''': Just look at this mess! Where do you expect me to put all these soggy sacks?
:'''King Dedede''': This looks like a good place! ''[Shoves an empty bag onto Escargoon's head]''
:'''Escargoon''': You know, you're a real couch potato. You're as big as a couch and you're full of potatoes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': He has fallen, and cannot get up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Hey, what up, D?
:'''King Dedede''': Zip yer layer!
:'''Escargoon''': Your chips made his majesty a travesty!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': It's not our fault he can't control his appetite! We made those snacks to fatten up Kirby, not you, sire.
:'''King Dedede''': Why'd ya have to go and make 'em so delicious?! Nobody can resist those things! THEY'S TOO DANG TASTY!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Max Flexer''': Treadmills are a lot of fun. You'll survive 'em if you run! Get it going really fast, or this race will be your last!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': If fit is in, I'm out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[after Kirby has transformed into Mike Kirby]'' Oh no! I forgot how terrible Microphone Kirby's singing is!

== [Episode 62] Mabel Turns the Tables ([Episode 62] たかが占いされど占い) ==
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': ''[about Curio's fortune]'' He must have picked the stone! NO!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': I know what you're doing. Samo, you should be ashamed of yourself!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lady Like''': My husband's prime minister!
:'''Escargoon''': Your husband's unemployed, [[w:Blondie (band)|Blondie]]!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': I suppose the royal golf course is a bust?
:'''Mabel''': You said it, not I.

== [Episode 63] Something to Sneeze At ([Episode 63] 師走のカゼはつらいぞい!)==
:'''Escargoon''': Ah...ah...ah...ah...AH-CHOO!!!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[grunts]'' You sprayed me! Now what was that for!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': HEY, YOU, META KNIGHT! Whadda' you know about all the sneezin' and wheezin' that's goin' round' here?
:'''Meta Knight''': ''[Coughs and Runs off]''
:'''King Dedede''': Even Meta Knight got a cold!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirby''': Ahh..ahh.ahhhh.... CHOO!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I turned myself into an ice cube and I still ain't sick. What am I doing wrong!?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Maybe you're too warm-hearted.

== [Episode 64] The Kirby Quiz ([Episode 64] 新春! カービィ・クイズショー )==
:'''King Dedede''': Here it is! A spankin' new year. Who knows? Maybe this year, I'll turn over a new leaf and treat folks more nice-like.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Greetings, and Happy New Year from all your friends at Nightmare Enterprises! I'll be hosting tonight's Kirby Quiz and I just know we're going to have a rockin' good time!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Honey''': I think it was Stone Kirby.
:'''Mabel''': I think you are right. ''[presses button]''
:'''Tokkori''': What's the answer?
:'''Tuff''': It was Fire Kirby. ''[presses button]''
:'''Samo''': I don't recall.
:'''Kawasaki''': I'll take a wild guess. ''[presses button, answering &quot;Needle&quot;]''
:'''Tiff''': That's easy. It was Fire Kirby, remember?
:'''Kirby''': ''[pressing button]'' Fire!
:'''Escargoon''': It was Fire Kirby for sure.
:'''King Dedede''': Haha! Stone Kirby! ''[presses button]''
:''[Escargoon gasps]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': This tough cookie fought against Kirby only to become a great hero. What was his name?
:'''Mabel and Honey''': Knuckle Joe! ''[presses button]''
:'''Samo and Kawasaki''': Knuckle Joe! ''[presses button]''
:'''Tiff and Kirby''': Knuckle Joe! ''[presses button]''
:'''Tuff and Tokkori''': Knuckle Joe! ''[presses button]''
:'''Escargoon''': Knuckle Joe!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[presses button]'' DEDEDE!
:''[Audience breaks out laughing]''
:'''Escargoon''': I had the right answer!
:'''King Dedede''': Guess my hands must have slipped or something.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff and Tokkori''': Spin Kick! ''[Tokkori presses button]''
:'''King Dedede and Escargoon''': Who cares, anyway?
:''[The entire audience breaks out laughing]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Well, it's starting to look like a Happy New Year already.

== [Episode 65] Masher 2.0 ([Episode 65] 逃げてきたナックルジョー) ==
:'''Lady Like''': ''[sees Tuff's soccer ball]'' Tuff, you know better. Take this ball outside.
:'''Tuff''': ''[about the outside storm]'' Out there? ''[cue booming thunder sounds, startling Kirby and the kids]''
:'''Sir Ebrum''': The weather's taken a nasty turn.
:'''Tiff''': I've never seen lightning this bad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Knuckle Joe''': I ain't sure how, but Masher's been rebuilt. And now it's out for revenge.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Knuckle Joe''': ''[to Masher 2.0]'' You're a lot stronger than me, that's for sure. But you've sure got a bucket of bolts for a brain! ''[Masher approaches]'' Get ready to rock! ''[punches the rock he's standing on, causing it to shatter]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[to King Dedede]'' Socked by a soccer ball. Your first sports injury!

== [Episode 66] The Chill Factor ([Episode 66] さまよえるペンギー) ==
:'''Pengy''': It is the Pengys' fate to wander far and wide. We are very weary but happy to have stumbled upon your chilly village. We would like to rest here for a while if you will have us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kirby and the kids have found a giant air conditioner that's been spewing cold air into the sky, discovering the source of the second wave of Winter weather in Dream Land]''
:'''Tuff''': Hey Tiff, what is that thing?
:'''Kirby''': Poyo?
:'''Tiff''': Now it all makes sense.
:'''Tuff &amp; Kirby''': Huh?
:'''Tiff''': The Pengy tribe brought this here on purpose, and it's so powerful that it turned our summer into winter.
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, but why?
:'''Kirby''': Poyo...
:''[suddenly, the trio hears a familiar voice. It's Pengy]''
:'''Pengy''': So, it looks as though our young friends have discovered our secret. ''[laughs as the trio turns around to see him and his guards ambush them and surround them with their spears]''
:'''Tiff''': Pengy!
:'''Tuff''': ''[gasps in horror]''
:'''Kirby''': Poyo!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pengy''': Your reign is through, King Dede-dumb!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pengy''': More ice. How thoughtful of you, Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirby''': ''[Singing]'' Payao puh poyo pay ya pa poyo poyo payo pay, poyo!

== [Episode 67] The School Scam ([Episode 67] 魔獣教師2) ==
:'''Kirk''': I sure hope our new school's built better than this dump!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Smirk''': There ain't no one to stop us, so we can teach all we want!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': ''[as Tiff enters the classroom]'' What are you doing here?
:'''Dirk''': You got expelled from school.
:'''Smirk''': And we did the expellin'.
:'''Tiff''': I'm taking charge here and you're taking a hike. ''[Kirby, Tuff, and the Cappy kids are surprised]''
:'''Dirk''': You don't count so good for a math teacher.
:'''Kirk''': It's three against one!
:'''Tiff''': True... But I've got one brain and you three bullies haven't gotten any.
:'''Smirk''': Then let's have a toughness test!
:'''Tiff''': That's fine with me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%/&gt;
:'''Smirk''': You ain't such a bad brawler for a teacher. Too bad I gotta clobber ya.
:'''Tiff''': I hope you like to travel, because I'm gonna send you packing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': YAY!!!
:'''Tokkori''': HOORAY!!!
:'''Kirby''': POYO!!!
:'''Kirby, Tuff, and the Cappy kids''': ''[cheering]''
:'''Tiff''': No!
:''[Kirby, Tuff, and the Cappy kids gasp]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Maybe... but teachers are supposed to solve problems with their heads, not their hands. I wish I could figure out a way to reach even those three guys. To help them see learning's really interesting. When you goof off in school, you could be missing something really great and never even realize it. The most important job of the teacher is to help your students want to learn. It's really sad when you don't succeed. There are so many great things to discover in this world. School gives you the tools that can help you learn. But the most important tool of all is the curiosity inside us. Promise me that you guys will never give up trying to learn new things. Promise! That's... all, I guess.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''MT2''': Here we come, Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Aaah! School's out!
:'''Escargoon''': We failed again!
:'''King Dedede''': There's always next semester!

== [Episode 68] Delivery Dilemma ([Episode 68] 勝ち抜け! デリバリー時代) ==
:'''Tuff''': ''[brings out a nice hot bowl of ramen]'' Here, nice hot noodles.
:'''King Dedede''': Hot... noodles...? ''[steps closer to Tuff, laughing all the while, while quickly recovering from his red eyes of sleeplessness]'' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''THEY'S FINALLY HERE!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Thanks, kid. ''(takes the bowl of ramen before Dedede can grab it)''
:'''King Dedede''': Huh? ''[sees Escargoon eating the ramen and grabs him]'' You no-good noodle-nabber! ''[swipes the ramen bowl]''
:'''Escargoon''': ''[swipes his ramen bowl back]'' Hands off! I just ordered these for myself.
:'''King Dedede''': What's that?!
:'''Tuff''': That's right. He called 10 minutes ago.
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah? Well I ordered me a big bowl of noodles yesterday. ''[releases Escargoon]'' I thought mine got here first.
:'''Tuff''': Uh oh. I guess Kirby goofed up after all. Uh, be right back with your order! ''[runs off back to Restaurant Kawasaki]''
:'''King Dedede''': ''[angrily growls]'' I should've known it was Kirby, that nasty little pasta poacher! I'm gonna get me my own delivery dude so there ain't no more mess-up!

== [Episode 69] Trick or Trek ([Episode 69] ウィスピーの森のエコツアー)==
:'''Whispy Woods''': I will protect you for as long as I am able.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': We have to make sure they see our smoke signal.
:'''King Dedede''': This oughtta do the trick.
:''[suddenly, the fire they placed bursts into an even bigger one to their surprise, causing the nearby trees to catch fire much to Escargoon's shock]''
:'''Escargoon''': Ah! The whole forest could catch on fire.
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, great idea!
:'''Escargoon''': Huh?
:'''King Dedede''': We gotta clear out Whispy Woods for my golf course and this is the quick, easy way!
:'''Escargoon''': ''[smiles delightfully in response to Dedede's voiced idea]'' Your blazin' new trail, Sire!
:'''King Dedede''': And afterwards, there's gonna be a lotta charcoal 'round a useful barbecuein'!
:'''Escargoon''': Let's go! Before we get cooked... ''[he and Dedede are scared off by the flames, which have now grown bigger and are spreading quickly through the forest, causing a huge forest fire]''

== [Episode 70] Buccaneer Birdy ([Episode 70] トッコリ卿の伝説)==
:'''Tokkori''': So now we know I'm a noble. *chews* Guess I'll live with ya here at the castle, huh? *chews* I don't- *gulps* -mind. *chews* But I warn ya, I can't stand loud snorin' when I'm tryin' to sleep. I bet Blue Boy here snores even louder than Kirby, so ya better keep it quiet or you're gone!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Quit stallin' and hand over Tokkori's treasure now!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo!
:'''Escargoon''': That birdseed brain's out of luck. The king and I are goin' fifty-fifty!
:'''King Dedede''': Fool. I used it all to buy myself more monsters!
:'''Escargoon''': But sire...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': I guess Tokkori will always be Tokkori after all.

== [Episode 71] A Whale of a Tale ([Episode 71] 密着! ホエール・ウォッチング)==
:'''Kine''': SUSHI!?!?
:'''Kirby''': Sushi poyo!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': HEY!
:'''Tiff''': What's wrong?
:'''Tuff''': We saw what you're hiding down there. Nets and harpoons and stuff for catching whales!
:'''Kirby''': ''[angrily]'' Poyo!
:'''Tiff''': For catching whales?!
:'''King Dedede''': Aww. Guess we've been found out. Escargoon?
:'''Escargoon''': Aye aye, Sire. ''[presses a button and Dedede's boat reveals its true form as a whaling ship]''
:'''Tiff''': This isn't a tour boat. It's a whaling ship!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughing]'' Time to start whaling!

== [Episode 72] Waddle While You Work ([Episode 72] ワドルディ売ります) ==
:'''Tiff''': That's just horrible!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': What is?
:'''Tiff''': Taking advantage of those poor things!
:'''Curio''': Would you all rather they work for Dedede?
:'''Tiff''': Uh, well...
:'''Tuff''': Hey, Tiff, we never thought about that.
:'''Gengu''': After all, it's not as if we don't treat 'em right!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': This is hopeless.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waddle Doo''': Your Highness! Let go of the boy!
:'''Tiff''': He wants Dyna Chick for his dinner!
:'''King Dedede''': That's right, and I ain't givin' up this here bird no way no how!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I'll get you, Kirby! That's the last time you steal my dinner! YOU CHICKEN THIEF!

== [Episode 73] Dedede's Raw Deal ([Episode 73] まわれ! 回転寿司)==
:'''King Dedede''': This grub tastes grubby.
:'''Escargoon''': Ugh. If you eat fast, you won't notice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Your Majesty, I could use some financial help.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughs]'' I bet you want a loan!
:'''Escargoon''': That's an even riskier proposition than eating your food.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Why you? How dare you question His Majesty's integrity!? Why, he's as honest as the day is dark!
:'''Tiff''' &amp; '''Tuff''': Huh?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': This isn't news, it's a commerci- ''[hiccups and covers her mouth]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': This sushi monster's gonna clobber Kirby!
:'''Escargoon''': Yeah. It sure is well-armed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Kirby, listen up! ''[Kirby hiccups]'' If you don't get rid of those hiccups, you'll never be able to eat again!
:'''Kirby''': ''[Freaking Out]'' POYO!!!!! ''[Jumps and spins around to freshen up and his hiccups are gone]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Look, sire. it's raining calamari!
:'''King Dedede''': Great. I'm bankrupted in all I got is a lifetime supply of squid.
:'''Escargoon''': We're broke now. What do we do?
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': That's easy. We can use this with to make sushi. Right?
:''[Dedede and Escargoon crying]''

== [Episode 74] Caterpillar Thriller ([Episode 74] モスガバーの逆襲!) ==
:'''Escargoon''': Get it, Kirby! I can't take these sinus allergies anymore. ''[sneezes]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Island Sisters''': Mosugaba truly wants to live in peace. It is only attacking to set us free. But we can sing to Mosugaba to calm him down.

== [Episode 75] Fossil Fools - Part I ([Episode 75] 夢の恐竜天国! (前編)) ==
:'''King Dedede''': WHERE ALL THE DINOSAURS AT?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[reading Dedede's book about dinosaurs]'' Lots of folks say that dinosaurs is extunct, but I say the proof is in the pictures.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[screams]'' Look at that thing!
:'''King Dedede''': Looks kinda familiar!

== [Episode 76] Fossil Fools - Part II ([Episode 76] 夢の恐竜天国! (後編))==
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughs]'' Escarsaurus sure is a dino wimp, I'd say.
:'''Escargoon''': Give him all you've got, Escarsaurus! Tackle that tub of lard!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Buttercup''': ''[to Chief Bookem]'' That dinosaur has your face!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mabel''': Something about that dinosaur looks familiar.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mabel''': Have I gone mad, Samo, or did those dinosaurs look just like you and me?
:'''Samo''': They did indeed. But I must admit, I find you much prettier.
:'''Mabel''': I hope so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': That dinosaur looks just like me!
:'''Tuff''': She even has your personality!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirby''': Yaaaiie suikaa poyoo!

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:'''Doctor Moro''': It would be foolish to destroy my laboratory.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Hey, he looks just like me!
:'''Tuff''': It's a Kawasakisaurus!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Doctor Moro''': Thanks to your invaluable tip, Tiff, I have achieved what I believe to be my greatest creation. By using Star Warrior DNA, I have created the ULTIMATE MONSTER!! ''[evilly laughs and turns into a monster]''

== [Episode 77] Dedede's Monsterpiece ([Episode 77] ロイヤルアカデデデミー) ==
:'''King Dedede''': ''[points to a huge, cross-eyed version of himself]'' Right here, that's me. Since I'm what you'd call the star of this here paintin', I'm smack-dab in the middle! You'll note the perspecticles, and I put a big old impressionistic Sun ''[a red circle with lines coming off it]'' up there, see? ''[Points to his small castle, and a huge misshapen-looking Escargoon next to it]'' Right there is my castle, and right next to it is Escargoon. Note the lack of depth. ''[points to an awkwardly-angled version of Mayor Len Blustergas with noodle arms and two giant angry Pac-Man-like sheep behind him]'' This here's the Mayor being chased by his sheep. ''[points to a misshapen Kirby in the corner of the painting]'' And this here's Kirby. He's being chased by me! See, I drawed him all lumpy to express his inner lumpiness!
:'''Kirby''': ''[angrily hopping up and down]'' POYO! &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''POYOOOO!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

== [Episode 78] Right Hand Robot ([Episode 78] 発進! エスカルゴン・ロボ) ==
:'''King Dedede''': You must be cleaning this castle with your eye-shut. It's filthy! ''[He blows the dust at Escargoon]''
:'''Escargoon''': ''[coughing]'' I dust this dump every day! I can't be a full-time housekeeper and a full-time lackey.
:'''King Dedede''': Well, you better find a way you out of here.
:'''Escargoon''': But sire, I need this rotten job.
:'''King Dedede''': It's time for my massage.
:''[Escargoon massaging Dedede on a back, grunting]''
:'''King Dedede''': Quit wimpin' out. Pull a little muscle into.
:'''Escargoon''': How's this?
:'''King Dedede''': LOUSY! This is how you give a massage!
:'''Escargoon''': ''[screaming as Dedede stretching his arms ]'' Uncle! ''[thuds]'' That wasn't too relaxing.
:'''King Dedede''': Guess I'll have to pull harder next time. ''[laying down on a beach lounge chair]'' Fetch me a toothpick and my monster catalogue.
:''[Escargoon scowls]''
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Being serious]'' What you waiting for!?
:'''Escargoon''': Sorry, Sire. ''[He scurried]''
:'''King Dedede''': My monster catalogue.
:'''Escargoon''': Ugh. I've forgot. ''[He scurried again]''
:'''King Dedede''': Magnifying glasses.
:'''Escargoon''': Sorry, Sire. ''[He scurried once again]'' Here.
:'''King Dedede''': I want me a cup of tea. 
:'''Escargoon''': ''[He scurried again once more]'' Yes, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': Too cold.
:'''Escargoon''': Right. ''[He keep scurried]''
:'''King Dedede''': Too hot.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[He scurried slowly, panting]'' The king's running me ragged here. I wish he'd give me sometime off to take a trip. ''[He tripped on a carpet as the cup of tea spilled on his head, screamed in pain]'' Hotty! Hotty! Hotty! Hotty!
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon!
:'''Escargoon''': His Highness does care about me. Oh, Si..''[Getting hitted by Dedede's mallet]''
:'''King Dedede''': You spilled tea on my carpet!
:'''Escargoon''': But Sire, I'm bound to make mistakes when you overwork me and don't give me a break.
:'''King Dedede''': Well if you fooled up again I'll give you plenty of breaks from head to toe.
:'''Escargoon''': Hmph! You snail-driver! I'm tired of being harassed, tired of being insulted, and tired of being tired!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon! This your pea-brained idea of a joke?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escar-Droid''': MUST. CRUSH. KIRBY.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': I'll get you this time, Kirby!
:'''Meta Knight''': No, you won't! ''[slides into Escargoon and sends him flying into a tree]''

== [Episode 79] Goin' Bonkers ([Episode 79] ボンカースあらわる!) ==
:'''Bonkers''': Look for him.
:'''Mabel''': You want me to tell you Kirby's future?
:'''Bonkers''': Kirby, in here?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': Ha ha! I bet ya Kirby went on a banana-eatin' binge and gobbled up all his food supply!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': What? A gorilla hammering folks on a head?
:'''Waddle Doo''': I heard that if you don't give 'im money or bananas, he gets real mad, and that's when he strikes.
:'''Escargoon''': He sounds like a bill collector which means he'll come here for the nine million we owe N.M.E..
:'''King Dedede''': So how much would nine million be if we pay him in bananas?
:'''Escargoon''': Huh? I don't know the exchange rate for fruit.
:'''King Dedede''': Well, ain't no bullying bill collector gonna knock on my royal noggin'! Throw that gorilla into whose gal!
:'''Escargoon''': Let's hope he doesn't make a chimpanzee out of you. ''[Getting hitted by Dedede's mallet]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, Waddle Doo! Go and get that gorilla!
:'''Waddle Doo''': Let's move it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Kirby's in big trouble if that gorilla can track him down before we do.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Yeah! Why would a big gorilla be lookin' for Kirby?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bonkers''': Me want to train with Kirby.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': That's a ridiculous idea. Who ever heard of making a giant gorilla monster?

== [Episode 80] Power Ploy ([Episode 80] 強壮! ドリンク狂想曲) ==
:'''King Dedede''': Why, just last night I was working at my desk burning up the midnight oil!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Did... I just hear you say you were working?
:'''King Dedede''': Yep! I spent hours at my PC!
:'''Escargoon''': And he almost got it turned on, too! ''[laughs before getting hammered by Dedede]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Upwardly mobile types like us can easily get worn down. That's why we came up with a new energy-booster drink to keep you going like gangbusters round the clock. It's called Pump Up D!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Yeah! I have tons of energy! Ha-haha! I feel like Super Kawasaki! Up and away!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cappy patient''': Doctor... Isn't there anything you can do? I feel awful all over.
:'''Dr. Yabui''': There's no cure... unless you drink this Pump Up D!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Glu-gly-cero-poly-carbo-phosphate. This health drink is totally unhealthy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Triple D, this snake monster is guaranteed to rattle Kirby.

== [Episode 81] A Trashy Tale ([Episode 81] ドキッ! かたづけられない女)==
:'''Escargoon''': I can't tell if this is a throne room or a landfill.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Yabui''': It took me months and months to finish this article!! Grr... WHO DID THIS?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Yabui''': I'm messy, eh? Just wait 'til I get my hands on you! I'll show you messy! My paper's ruined!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Trash Basher, the garbage monster. This stinks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Yeah! We haven't seen Cleaning Kirby in ages!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[To Tuff]'' Don't laugh, you have to clean your room too!
:'''Tuff''': ''[Nervously Laughs]''
:'''Kirby''': ''[while Handing Tuff A Broom]'' Poyo, Poyo!
:'''Tuff''': Ah boy, what a dirty trick.

== [Episode 82] Cooking Up Trouble ([Episode 82] 合体ロボリョウリガーZ!)==
:'''Sword Kinght''': Blade?
:'''Blade Knight''': Ay?
:'''Sword Knight''': Smells delicious, don't it? Course' anything would smell good compared to Meta knight's cooking!
:''[Blade Knight speaks in foreign language]''
:'''Sword Knight''': You could say that again!
:'''Meta Knight''': ''[he enters from behind]'' Say what again?
:''[Sword and Blade turn around surprised]''
:'''Sword Knight''': Err... He was saying that your cooking... is beyond compare!
:''[Blade Knight responds in foreign language]''
:'''Meta Knight''': Hmm...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Listen everybody! You're going about this thing the wrong way. Those machines can't cook for you because the most important ingredient is missing. You can't make great food unless you use your heart. Cooking isn't about using all the latest technology. Your food will always be mediocre unless you care about what you make.

== [Episode 83] Teacher's Threat ([Episode 83] 魔獣教師3)==
:'''King Dedede''': It's time for me to face the fact that I may need some education.
:'''Escargoon''': Education won't help you. The mind's only a terrible thing to waste if you have one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': What are you brats gonna learn standing out here in the rain? How to get soggy?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': But this school doesn't have anything to do with cooking.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': That's okay. My cooking doesn't have anything to do with cooking either!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Chip''': I'm sorry, but in my classroom, everyone is equal, whether you're royalty or not. Let's try again, shall we, Dedede?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Chip''': Punishment won't help him learn. What Dedede could use is a bit of encouragement.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': If Mr. Chip could stay here in Cappy Town, I'd be the happiest girl alive. Mr. Chip is a wonderful man!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I need some down time so my brain could re-coagulate.

== [Episode 84] Mumbies Madness ([Episode 84] キュリオ氏の秘宝?) ==
:'''Tokkori''': You hear that weird noise over there? You go check it out and I'll go back to sleep.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prof. Curio''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''LEAVE HERE IMMEDIATELY!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; ''[his shouting sends Kirby into an immediate panic as the latter flees, and he laughs evilly as the relic he was excavating is unsealed]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prof. Curio''': It's none of your business! Get lost!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[about Professor Curio]'' But... why would he act so mean?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kabu''': Kirby. You must be careful. That monster will never stop attacking you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[reading]'' Mumbies are a good luck monster. Whoever finds one will become rich. Mumbies dwell underground by day, and know where many fabulous treasures are buried.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': The Mumbies are vicious monsters sent throughout the universe to hunt down and exterminate Star Warriors. When the containers that hold them are discovered, they are automatically unsealed, and they begin looking for Star Warriors to destroy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prof. Curio''': It wasn't until I re-examined that book today that I realized what the King had done. I can't believe he tricked me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Easy, Sire. This is a comedy show, not a reality series!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[seeing that Kirby has let the Mumbies get burned by the sun's rays]'' Kirby won!
:'''Escargoon''': And who's fault was that?
:''[Dedede screams in anger]''

== [Episode 85] A Sunsational Surprise/A Sunsational Puzzle ([Episode 85] まぼろしの紫外線!) ==
:'''Lady Like''': WRINKLES!?!? ''[looks at herself in the mirror and then screams]'' The sun ''(Inaudible)'' ''(to the viewer)'' Stop staring at me! My face is looking like a prune! ''(screams)'' Call the plastic surgeon!
:'''Sir Ebrum''': Aren't you overreacting, dear?

== [Episode 86] A Chow Challenge ([Episode 86] 弟子対決! コックナゴヤ)==
:'''Chef Nagoya''': You really have made progress as a chef, Kawasaki. This is quite tasty!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I don't want Nagoya to find out that I still can't cook!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': If that guy studied with Kawasaki, then he's gotta be a graduate of the institute of indigestion!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': He took cookin' lessons with Kawasaki!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': We're doing our best, but Nightmare Enterprises deals in monsters, not in groceries. It may take a little time, Triple-D.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Nagoya''': Your crazy cuisine has won that little Star Warrior's heart and stomach. Kirby would never be happy eating my food. It's way too bland for his taste!

== [Episode 87] Waste Management ([Episode 87] 襲撃! カラスの勝手軍団) ==
:'''Crowmon''': You lied to me! You said you'd give us all we can eat. But the trash is gone and we're still hungry!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crowmon''': You will never get away!

== [Episode 88] Shell-Shocked ([Episode 88] はだかのエスカルゴン) ==
:'''Tiff''': Shell collecting is fun, but it can also be quite educational. Some creatures like clams have two shells that are connected. Other creatures just have a single shell.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[sneezes]'' Somethin' around here's got my allergies acting up.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughs]'' Just don't sneeze on the grill! I'm cookin' top shell! ''[he take a mouthful of topshell and he chewing]'' Maaaan! Is that ever hot! But tasty. Here, you wanna try one?
:'''Escargoon''': Not if they taste like they smell.
:'''King Dedede''': Not even one?
:'''Escargoon''': I don't like shellfish.
:'''King Dedede''': Bet you never tasted ones like these here. Come on!
:'''Escargoon''': Eugh... No! ''[exclaims]''
:'''King Dedede''': Guess that just means more top shells for me! ''[some empty topshells fell on a ground after he ate them all]'' Boy, oh, boy, that does a belly good!
:''[Waddle Dees clean some other topshells and except one who fell, and then Dedede imagine of this topshell]''
:'''King Dedede''': An empty shell. Get outta that shell right now!
:''[Escargoon screaming]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Come back here, Escargoon! I wanna see what you been hiding underneath that shell of yours!
:'''Escargoon''': You're crazy! It's not open to the public!
:'''King Dedede''': Slow down, so I can get a crack at it! ''[He tried to a mallet to Escargoon's shell, but it missed, Escargoon laughs]'' Grrr!! Come here!
:'''Escargoon''': ''[jumps]'' Oh! How dare you try to hit me! ''[jumps again]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[laughs]'' Methinks the king is out of shape. Well, ''adieu''. ''[chuckles, leaves with suavity]''
:''[Dedede however, was never tired, and tricked Escargoon. He then hammers his shell from behind, Escargoon screaming in shocked]''
:'''Escargoon''': Sneak attack!
:'''King Dedede''': I'm crackin' your shell open and havin' a look!
:''[Escargoon screams, his shell is about to slightly cracks]''
:'''King Dedede''': Ah-ha!
:'''Escargoon''': Huh?
:'''King Dedede''': ''[he points on Escargoon's shell]'' Hey, it's startin' to open up!
:'''Escargoon''': ''[screaming]'' It is? Everything looks okay to me?
:'''King Dedede''': I always knew you was a little bit cracked. Now you're more cracked than before! ''[laughs]''
:'''Escargoon''': You may find this amusing but I don't! ''[groans]'' I just hope I don't catch pneumonia.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At Doctor Yabui's clinic, Escargoon gets his fractured shell looked at by Doctor Yabui]''
:'''Dr. Yabui''': Oh...yes I see...my goodness.
:'''Escargoon''': Your goodness what, doc?
:'''Dr. Yabui''': Bad news. there's a fracture in your shell.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[gasps]'' Well don't just sit there, fix it!
:'''Dr. Yabui''': I'm afraid there's nothing I can do
:''[Escargoon whimpers in terror]''
:'''Dr. Yabui''': It can't be repaired.
:'''Escargoon''': You're joking!
:'''Dr. Yabui''': It might even get bigger.
:'''Escargoon''': THIS CAN'T BE!!!''[His shell cracks once more, Tiff and Tuff gasped. Whimpering in terror, he sees behind his shell cracking again, cries]'' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''PLEASE HELP ME!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Tiff''': That's tough.
:'''Tuff''': Don't get excited, Escargoon! It's only a shell.
:'''Escargoon''': Don't tell me no to get excited, kid. My whole world's falling apart!
:''[Escargoon is suddenly interrupted by Dedede shows up in the limousine to exacerbate things further]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, Yabui. No use hiding Escargoon! ''[He barges into Yabui's clinic]'' Come on out! I know you here some-place. And I'm gonna find ya. ''[He tries to open the door]'' It's me, Escargoonie-goo. Open up this here door. I'm your best pal, ain't I? I won't hurt you.
:'''Escargoon''': Go away. I can't see you now. I'm studying for a blood test.
:'''King Dedede''': I'm real worried about you, so please open up, little buddy? ''[He pulls out his mallet]'' In fact...I'll open it for you! Stand back, buddy! ''[He hits a door with a his mallet]''
:'''Escargoon''': He wants to smash my shell to pieces! ''[He barricades the door]''
:'''King Dedede''': Now ain't you gonna let me in there or ain'cha?
:'''Escargoon''': ''[grunts]'' Uh-uh! ''[His shell cracks again, then he screaming in terror]''
:'''Tiff''': Stop that! Haven't you done enough?! Don't you know Escargoon needs his shell to protect his body?!
:'''King Dedede''': Protect his body?
:'''Dr. Yabui''': That's right. Without his shell, Escargoon would be completely exposed.
:''[Tuff laughing]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey! What what that looks like...''[He imagines what Escargoon would look like without his &quot;clothes&quot; on, which is reference by [[w:The Birth of Venus|The Birth of Venus]]]'' ''Am I being disrespectful? Should I leave Escargoon alone?'' Probably but I ain't a' going to. Now show me what you hiding under that there shell!
:'''Escargoon''': I'm never showing nothing to nobody!
:'''Tiff, Tuff, and Dr. Yabui''': Nobody?
:'''Escargoon''': Why do I suddenly feel like a &lt;big&gt;'''SCIENTIST EXPERIMENT!?'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[When Dedede busts the door with his mallet]'' I'm not letting you in this door!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[He continue busting the door with his mallet for several times]'' Let me in!
:'''Escargoon''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''GO AWAY!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; Help me.
:'''King Dedede''': Here I come! ''[He smash the door down. He does so and breaks the shell completely]''
:'''Escargoon''': That did it!
:''[All exclaims, and Kirby close the Escargoon's shell]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey! You get off of that! You can't park it there!
:'''Tiff''': Stay right where you are! Now you've done it! You've split Escargoon's shell apart!
:'''Escargoon''': I never felt so violated! I lost my dignity!
:'''King Dedede''': Now you just relax whilst I have myself a little look-see here!
:'''Escargoon''': Don't let him touch me!
:'''King Dedede''': You know you're gonna have to show me sooner or later.
:'''Escargoon''': How about later? Much later.
:''[Dedede chases Escargoon around, both yelling]''
:'''King Dedede''': As your king, is it my royal right to see what you got under that shell and I ain't quit 'til I get a peek! ''[As he steps on Escargoon's tail, Escargoon screams as Kirby falls off. Escargoon grab and pull the tail offs and his so the shell falls off, but it closed again]'' Oh no!
:'''Escargoon''': Thank goodness.
:'''Kirby''': Po-yay?
:'''Tiff''': Leave Escargoon alone! Don't you think you've caused enough trouble for him already?!
:'''King Dedede''': Not really. I think I could cause a lot more trouble.
:'''Tiff''': You broke his shell in the first place, so you better find him a new one!
:'''Escargoon''': And fast!
:'''King Dedede''': Find him a new shell, huh? That's a great idea!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Sure thing, King! In fact, we have a monstrous new line of mollusc-wear that is guaranteed to bring out the beast if you know what I mean.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': With my new remote-controlled spy fly, I'll get me a real bug's eye view! ''[He uses the Grasshopper Eavesdropper to take a peek at the Escargoon in a changing-tent]''
:'''Escargoon''': How humiliating...''[He pick up with the tin-pan]'' This one looks too small, but I'll try it on anyway,
:'''King Dedede''': This is it! Yeah! Let see!!
:'''Escargoon''':  ''[Moans, but he noticed Grasshopper Eavesdropper spying on him and he screaming in shocked, smashes it with the tin-pan]'' SPY ON ME, WILL YA!?
:'''King Dedede''': It's busted! Now my undercover bug can't spy on that slug!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': So? Making like top-shell, huh? You lucky I didn't fricasse you!
:'''Escargoon''': Yeah, well you came close enough!
:'''Tiff''': Escargoon's just wearing this, while we're trying to fix up this regular shell!
:'''King Dedede''': Oh! Now I get it.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''King Dedede''': You hog! You ate my tender delicious topshell before I got to it!
:'''Escargoon''': That shell was empty when I put it on, you blowhard!
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, that reminds me!...I still ain't seen what you been hiding under that shell!
:''[Escargoon exclaims]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[laughs in evilly]'' It's too late now.
:'''King Dedede''': New shell or no new shell, I still wanna see what you hiding underneath here!
:'''Escargoon''': It's no use, but give it a shot, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': ALRIGHT!!! ''[He attempts to break it open, but to no avail]'' It's too hard.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': All that pounding is giving me a pounding headache!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maimaigoon''': This shell makes me invincible...and powerful!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maimaigoon''': ''[to Kirby as he fires his lighting beams]'' You're finished, Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': For a snail, he's pretty quick.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Hold on! I think there's another crack in that there!
:'''Escargoon''': The only thing cracked in this room is you, you wacko!
:'''King Dedede''': Just one little-itty-bitty peek?
:'''Escargoon''': You keep your paws off of me! HELP!
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon, please!?
:'''Escargoon''': Buzz off, you creep!

== [Episode 89] Tooned Out ([Episode 89] オタアニメ! 星のフームたん)==
:'''Escargoon''': Tiff can't be the hero! She's a bad guy!
:'''King Dedede''': There's only room for one hero on my show and that's me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Biggy''': She's so awesome, she deserves her own animated series.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bony''': Why don't we make her the hero?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boys''': Roses are red. Violets are blue. Here we come, Tiff. We're gonna draw you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sleepy''': We need more recordings of her voice to use in the cartoon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': You guys shouldn't stick around taking my pictures without permission.
:'''Sleepy''': She looks good she's mad.
:'''Bony''': Those lying visitor but totally fears.
:'''Biggy''': She's sure is gonna lot a fun you are.
:'''Boys''': ''[to Tiff]'' Cutie.
:'''Tiff''': ''[gasps]'' Don't call me that! Why don't you guys show a little originality and invent your own cartoon character instead of picking on me?! &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''I DON'T WANT TO BE A CARTOON STAR!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Boys''': Did you say &quot;so sorry&quot;?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Alright, boys, I'm sending you the ace of all animators. Allow me to introduce the legendary Dis Walney! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dis Walney''': Hmm, the scene needs more excitement. I need more energy, King!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Anige''': Now I'm going to delete your friend Kirby permanently!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Hey, it's morning.
:'''Tiff''': And there's still no cartoon.
:''[Dedede and Escargoon exclaiming in shocked]''
:'''King Dedede''': If we don't put a cartoon on I'll be flat broke!
:'''Escargoon''': But sire, there's only 5 minutes left to go!
:'''King Dedede''': Whoever said &quot;the show must go on&quot; didn't know us!
:''[Dedede and Escargoon hugged as they crying and Tuff laughs]''
:'''Tiff''': Too bad those professional animators couldn't help you.
:'''Both''': ''[stopped crying]'' Huh? What'd you say?
:'''King Dedede''': So, let's go!
:'''Escargoon''': There's still hope.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Well, guys?
:'''Sleepy''': It wasn't easy, dude, but we did it.
:'''Biggy''': We had to draw it really fast.
:'''Bony''': But it's way cool!
:'''King Dedede''': Who cares? It's done!
:'''Escargoon''': 10 seconds left!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': That doesn't look like you, sire.
:'''King Dedede''': There's something about that girly are looked saw that familiar!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Is that airhead really supposed to be me?!
:'''Biggy''': Yeah. Except, she's not short like you.
:'''Tiff''': Yeah, I'm short alright. ''(furious growl)'' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''AND SO'S MY TEMPER!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

== [Episode 90] Born to Be Mild - Part I ([Episode 90] 爆走! デデデス・レース (前編))==
:'''Rip''': The name's Rip. Sorry to wake ya, officer!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Both coughing]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, what's the idea sticking up the hand here!?
:'''Escargoon''': Yeah, who do you think you are? King Dedede?
:'''King Dedede''': You're in big trouble!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': That biker gang could strike again at any time! We've got to have a plan to defend ourselves!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': We're not gonna let you mess up Cappy Town!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Turbo''': My name's Turbo. Allow me to introduce our fearless leader: Fang!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fang''': First we gotta find a dude named Steppenwolf, but then we'll take care of Kirby for ya.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gus''': One of them bikers is an old friend of mine. You see, I used to belong to a motorcycle gang.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''NME Sales Guy''': Now hold up, Highness. Have you considered beating them with a track attack... by having a race? Of course, you'll need a place to race! That's expensive, but Nightmare Enterprises could be the sponsor!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': We gonna have a big race at the brand spankin' new DDD Speedway!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': It looks like Fang's racing circles around Kirby and the rest of the Cappy crew! Can the friends defeat the gang without Gus? Find out next time, on ''Kirby: Right Back at Ya!''

== [Episode 91] Born to Be Mild - Part II ([Episode 91] 爆走! デデデス・レース (後編))==
:'''Fang''': Just wait, Kirby. I'll finish you off later! Right now, I wanna make sure I win this race.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Melman''': You caused a lot of trouble when you were younger, but this is your chance to make up for it. Take that chance while you still can!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': That punk jockey ain't got a chance of beatin' Fang now!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': That grease monkey must've got out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Listen! According to this chemical analysis, the fuel in Fang's motorcycle couldn't have come from this planet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': What a surprise! It looks like our bad boy biker has been de-fanged by a rough-riding old-timer with a need for speed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Melman''': You can say all you want, Tiff. The important thing is that Fang is gone. Ooh, am I gonna be sore tonight...

== [Episode 92] Hunger Struck ([Episode 92] ワドルディの食文化大革命)==
:'''Escargoon''': Sire! Sire! You won't believe with those Waddle Dees! I just left him in the dining hall!
:'''King Dedede''': Good, don't bring him in here cause it might kill my appetite.
:'''Escargoon''': While you slurp that slot the Waddles Dees are having the feast. It's a gourmet meal with four different courses fit for a king.
:''[Dedede becomes enraged and he throw the cup of ramen noodles to Escargoon's face]''
:'''King Dedede''': If it's fit for a king, how come I ain't gettin' any?! Grrr!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[A Waddle Dee Eats A Cookie]''
:'''King Dedede''': No Way!
:'''Escargoon''': It adsorbed the cookie!
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, how'd it do that? It's munchin' alright...
:'''Escargoon''': Wonder how it flosses...
:'''King Dedede''': That's weird.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waddle Doo''': ''[to the Waddle Dees]'' The king's so stingy he put us on a starvation diet! Now our stomachs cry out for vengeance!
:''[cut to King Dedede and Escargoon being chased by angry Waddle Dees]''
:'''King Dedede''': We in trouble! My own guards is out to get me!
:'''Escargoon''': I've heard of hunger strikes before, but this is ridiculous!

== [Episode 93] D'Preciation Day ([Episode 93] カービィ感謝の日!) ==
:'''Tiff''': I know Dedede can be mean and nasty and selfish, but deep down, he really just wants to be loved. If we gave him a present, maybe he'd feel loved, and change his ways.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': I think you'd be a much better candidate for something like &quot;Take Your Tyrant to Lunch Day!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Nobody 'round here appreciates me, so I'm gonna start up a brand new tradition in Dream Land! There gonna be no more appreciation days. From now on, we only celebrating Dis Days!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waddle Doo''': Sorry, Kawasaki! King's orders!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Looks like Tiff's trying to disrupt Dis Day.
:'''King Dedede''': Just wait 'til she finds out who we dissin' next.
:''[Dedede and Escargoon break out laughing]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': 10. 9. 8.
:'''Escargoon''': 7. 6. 5. 4. 3.
:'''Tiff''': Spit it out, Kirby!
:'''King Dedede''': Here...
:'''Escargoon''': We...
:'''Both''': GO!!!
:''[Kirby's face becomes red and glows, and he then starts to spit gray smoke from his mouth, at such a force and speed that he is sent flying up in the air while spitting out more smoke]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Dedede's gone too far this time!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': I think he's rotten no matter how deep down you go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waddle Doo''': A message for you, Sire!
:'''King Dedede''': Who's it from?
:'''Escargoon''': It's from Tiff. She's inviting us to Kirby's memorial service.
:'''King Dedede''': His what?
:'''Escargoon''': I regret to inform you that Kirby is gone. We're gathering to bid farewell to him this afternoon. Please join us to pay your last respects.
:''[Both exclaims]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[King Dedede and Escargoon crying about Kirby's funeral]''
:'''King Dedede''': It's all our fault!
:'''Escargoon''': Forgive us, Kirby! That prank was His Majesty's idea, but I was the one who came up with the time bomb part! For once I wish I wasn't so brilliant!
:'''King Dedede''': Now I wish you weren't dumb as me!
:'''Escargoon''': How did that work possible? 
:'''King Dedede''': I never would have played that prank If I don't know this was gonna happen. I wish I could take it all back!
:'''Tiff''': Unfortunately, it's too late.
:'''King Dedede''': But there's got to be something I can do.
:'''Tiff''': You can't do start by promising not to play any more practical jokes on your subjects!
:'''King Dedede''': I PROMISE!! ''[crying]'' Here, Kirby. This one ain't got no time bomb.
:'''Tiff''': I'm sure he'd like that a lot.
:'''King Dedede''': I MISS YOU KIRBY OL' BUDDY! ''[cries]''
:'''Tiff''': I think Dedede is really sorry.
:'''Mayor Len''': I agree.
:'''Tuff''': Looks like he learned his lesson.
:''[Kirby hops out of the grave in order to eat the watermelon left for him. Dedede and Escargoon screams]''
:'''King Dedede''': He even got a hungry ghost!
:'''Tiff''': Oh, Kirby.
:''[Tuff groans]''
:'''Escargoon''': Kirby's not a ghost. The runt's still alive! A-ha! You were all playing a trick on His Majesty, weren't ya?
:'''King Dedede''': ''[whimpers as he cries]'' I'M GLAD HE'S OKAY!!!
:'''Escargoon''': You are?
:'''King Dedede''': It was dull bein' ruler of Dream Land before you came along. I need me an enemy!
:'''Tuff''': The king really has changed. 
:'''Tiff''': In his own twisted way he cares about Kirby.
:'''King Dedede''': Kirby...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waddle Doo''': The card says: This is Chuckie. Made especially for Kirby by Nightmare Enterprises.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Every day's Kirby appreciation day.
:'''Waddle Doo''': You've got a card, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': Huh? Somebody appreciates me too.
:'''Escargoon''': Here. Let's see. It's a bill from Nightmare Enterprises. They want 9 million D-Bills for that monster.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[whimpers as he cries]'' THERE ONLY APPRECIATED MY MONEY!!

== [Episode 94] The Thing About the Ring ([Episode 17] パームとメームの指輪物語) ==
:'''Tiff''': ''(to Sir Ebrum)'' How come you always act so weird on your anniversary? I don't get it. It's the same thing every time.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': There you are, my twinkling little treasures. I bet none of you's made of glass. Little does King Greedede know I've been collecting you glittery goo-gahs for years!

== [Episode 95] A Dental Dilemma ([Episode 32] 歯なしにならないハナシ)==
:'''Tiff''': Oh, please. I've had toothaches funnier than King Dedede.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': That's easy for him to say. PLEASE DON'T PULL MY TEETH OUT, DOCTOR!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': That maniac drilled so deep, I thought he was gonna strike oil.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': You could get cavities too, you know.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughs]'' My choppers is way too powerful to get conquered by cavities.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lady Like''': Tuff. I want you to brush your teeth before you go to bed tonight. You too, Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': But, Sire, you have to get that tooth filled.
:'''Dedede''': Ain't no way you gonna drag me there! I'd rather dive head-first into the Booma-Dooma Volcano!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Doctor Yabui won't hurt you, Sire.
:'''Dedede''': He had you shrieking like a smoke detector!

== [Episode 96] Cowardly Creature ([Episode 94] 脱走魔獣ファンファン) ==
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I can assure you we're not responsible, Triple-D. The escapee was part of our &quot;Young Monsters of the Future&quot; program. The training facility is secure, but it looks like somebody found a way to break into our computer system and sent one of our horrible hopefuls free.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I'm me, alrighty! I think it's about time to extra-cise my kingly duties and protect my subjects!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': In fact, I can assure you that the King is totally irresponsible!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': That poor thing's afraid! We have to do something!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Sire, what if he turns into Hammer Kirby?!
:'''King Dedede''': Now don't do nothin' rash! We yer friends, Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Whoa! That monster must be huge!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': I wish I knew why Phan Phan's so frightened all the time. I've never seen a monster act like this before.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Whippy''': Hitti hitti!

== [Episode 97] Frog Wild ([Episode 95] デビル・カービィ!)==
:'''Hana''': I don't know what's gotten into Kirby, but something has.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prof. Curio''': ''[crying]'' Oh no... how could you? My relics are just a pile of rubble now. Why did he come in here and smash them all? Why, Kirby?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuggle''': ''[crying]'' I'm always nice to Kirby! Why would he wanna do 'dis?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mabel''': What is wrong, Kirby? You do not seem to be your perky-pink self today.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': There has to be a misunderstanding. Kirby's a Star Warrior, not a juvenile delinquent!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': He done WHAT?!
:'''Escargoon''': Kirby's smashing up Cappy Town like a pink wrecking ball!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughs]'' He sees it's more fun to be a heel than a hero! But there's only room for one mischief-maker in this kingdom, and that's me!
:'''Escargoon''': Well now the Cappies are more scared of Kirby than they are you, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': Say what?
:'''Escargoon''': Maybe they're just afraid of Kirby because he's a dynamic-demonic ball of fire, and you're just a big bellied out of shape ball of blubber! ''[gets hit it with Dedede's mallet]''
:'''King Dedede''': Now you're out of shape. I'm checking this out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Oh, hello, Kirby. Come on in. I got some leftover turkey jerky hash if you want... Where you goin'? You don't have to have the hash. I can cook anything you want me to. Ah! You just name it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': He does look kind of scary.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[laughs]'' Who knew a half pint could be so horrifying?
:'''King Dedede''': I ain't gonna let that pipsqueak out leave me! ''[He jumps out of limousine]''
:'''Escargoon''': Wait, what are you gonna do!?
:'''King Dedede''': I'm gonna prove I'm more troublesome than Kirby is! 
:'''Escargoon''': Sire, I was only kidding!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[He enters in Kawasaki's restaurant]'' Hey you there, gumball!
:''[Kirby's evil state up-close for himself and Dedede gasped]''
:'''Escargoon''': You're much worse than Kirby. 
:''[Kirby's evil state up-close for himself, Escargoon screams and hides behind Dedede]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Forget it, Kirby ain't no threat to you Cappies. Why he's as harmless as a horse-fly!
:'''Tiff''': Yeah, anyone who knows Kirby knows that he wants to help us, not hurt us.
:'''King Dedede''': It's true. Why that goody-goody ain't got a bad bone in his body.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': ''[After Demon Kirby set the fire on Kawasaki's restaurant]'' Why, Kirby!? Why!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief Bookem''': He destroyed headquarters...
:''[King Dedede's limousine explodes within Chief Bookem's police station]''
:'''King Dedede''': There goes my limo!
:'''Escargoon''': Thanks, Kirby.
:'''King Dedede''': Now what am I gonna drive?
:'''Chief Bookem''': They're wiped out.
:''[All the cappies talking at once]''
:'''Tuff''': I can't believe this.
:'''Tokkori''': I always knew Kirby was trouble, but this takes the cake. That boy's gone ballistic!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief Bookem''': Attention all Cappies! Stay inside your homes! Keep your doors locked, and your windows shut! Kirby's on the loose!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At night, Dedede's castle]''
:'''King Dedede''': ''[offscreen]'' I ain't gonna let Kirby show me up.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': This is a surprise, D-Meister. Why the late night call?
:'''King Dedede''': Tell me who's the baddest bad guy in Dreamland?!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Is that a trick question?
:'''King Dedede''': You're supposed to say it's me!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I'd agree with that.
:'''King Dedede''': Well then Cappies thinks it's Kirby!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': No, how come? ''[As Dedede growls]''
:'''King Dedede''': '''HE SMASHED UP CAPPY TOWN!!'''
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': But Kirby's a good guy.
:'''Escargoon''': He's tearing through this kingdom on a debris spree!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''[laughs]'' Sounds to me like Kirby found your Demon Frog.
:'''King Dedede''': My Demon Frog?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Don't you recall the monster you ordered a couple months back? ''[imitates frog noises]''
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah. Now I remember that frog.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Majesty, that frog is a hoppin' horror show!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': If the Demon Frog really is inside Kirby, then there's no way he can be held responsible for attacking Cappy Town, because it was really the Demon Frog forcing him to do it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': We must find a way to make that Demon Frog leave Kirby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waddle Doo''': Sire! Emergency! Kirby's attacking the castle!
:'''King Dedede''': He is?! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Kirby! I told you to knock it off!
:''[Demon Kirby is still beating up Dedede and the Waddle Dees]''
:'''Tiff''': '''FOR THE LAST TIME! STOP, KIRBY!!!!'''
:''[The Demon Frog momentarily loses control of Kirby]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[after letting the Demon Frog after he transforms himself into Demon Dedede]'' You puny peewees better be scared, 'cause I'm the baddest dude on the whole planet!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': YOU BETTER LEAVE KIRBY ALONE!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': You should teach those two a lesson.
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, they're always scheming against you!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''Tiff''': It's time to give them both a taste of their own medicine!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''King Dedede''': Step away, Escargoon! ''[He kicks Escargoon on a ground and he run away]''
:'''Escargoon''': Wait, Sire! I'm a coward too!

== [Episode 98] Cappy Town Down ([Episode 98] 発進! 戦艦ハルバード) ==
:''[Kirby and friends arrive to find Cappy Town a smoldering wreck and thousands of Cappies homeless]''
:'''Tiff''': Oh, Tuff... This is terrible. The whole place was destroyed when that spaceship attacked. There's no Cappy Town left.
:'''Tuff''': I don't believe it.
:'''Tokkori''': Folks are sayin' this is your fault.
:''[Kirby lowers his head and lets out a sad Poyo. The Cappies turn to Kirby to try to take out their grief on him]''
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': When your ship crashed, we welcomed you to Cappy Town and now we're paying for it, Kirby.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Yeah. We lost everything because of you!
:'''Tuggle''': It was a mistake to let you live here.
:'''Buttercup''': Maybe it's time for you to move on.
:'''Gengu''': Yeah, this is all your fault, Kirby!
:''[Kirby lets out another sad Poyo, only for his friends to step in and defend him]''
:'''Tiff''': This isn't Kirby's fault. It's Dedede's fault!
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, what about all the times Kirby came to our rescue?
:'''Chief Bookem''': He sure didn't save us this time.
:'''Hana''': That's why we don't have a place to live anymore.
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': Cappy Town is in ruins.
:'''Melman''': There's not a mailbox left in the whole town.
:'''Samo''': It's a fine mess Kirby's got us in.
:'''Tiff''': Well this isn't gonna solve anything.
:'''Tuff''': Yeah! Now's the time to work together!
:''[The Cappies are questioning in a confused state while Tiff growls. Then she proudly grunts]''
:'''Tiff''': Come on! We can't give up now! Remember, we've been through tough times before. We'll pull through this one too!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo!
:'''Chief Bookem''': We just don't know what we should do, Tiff.
:'''Tiff''': Meta Knight will tell us. He wants to meet with all of us up in the castle.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': It's a phone.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': That isn't just an ordinary phone, Your Majesty. ''[Dedede's phone starts ringing with a familiar-sounding ringtone, and Dedede opens his phone to find Kirby and another familiar-sounding ringtone, this one being a remix of the theme song]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, what's that pink stinker doing in there?!
:'''Escargoon''': And what's with that annoying music?!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''(laughs)'' Nobody would ever suspect that you'd use a Kirby phone to call Nightmare Enterprises.
:'''King Dedede''': Great idea!
:'''Escargoon''': I wouldn't be surprised if we even get stuck with a phone bill.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[about the Halberd]'' Hey, what is that damn thing?
:'''Escargoon''': Sire, how am I supposed to know? But whatever it is, I think our friend at Nightmare Enterprises would be very interested in it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': The coming battle may well determine the fate of the galaxy.
:'''Tiff''': We can't give up without a fight.
:'''King Dedede''': Meta Knight, you's a dirty double-crosser! You've got some nerve building this here battleship in my basement!
:'''Escargoon''': And what's with this &quot;fate of the galaxy&quot; mumbo jumbo? You got that helmet on too tight?
:'''Meta Knight''': You still have a chance to join forces with us before it is too late.
:'''King Dedede''': Lemme see inside of that ship first.
:''(the door to the inside of the Halberd opens)''
:'''Meta Knight''': Follow me. I will take you to the bridge.
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah, I'd like to push you off one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': This is catastrophic.
:'''Samo''': How can we survive, Meta Knight?
:'''Prof. Curio''': Maybe we should just get rid of Kirby.
:'''Meta Knight''': Listen to me. eNeMeE is not just after Kirby. He will not stop until he controls the entire universe! We must all try to stop him!
:'''Tiff''': That's what this battleship's for, right?
:'''Tuff''': We can battle eNeMeE from inside here.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''Mabel''': This sounds crazy.
:'''Meta Knight''': The odds are against us, but you must decide now! I need a crew. Will you stand up and fight with me?
:''[the Cappies recoil in fear]''
:'''Samo''': You want us to fight?!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I'm a chef, not a soldier!
:'''Meta Knight''': I cannot fly this ship alone. Are there no brave volunteers? Chief Bookem!
:'''Chief Bookem''': Ah, I'd like to help, but I'm a lawman, not an airman.
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': I'm too old to volunteer.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I think I left my oven on!
:'''Mabel''': My crystal ball needs polishing!
:'''Gus''': Gotta go pump some gas!
:'''Prof. Curio''': Good luck, Meta Knight!
:''[the Cappies run out of the Halberd in terror]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Hey there, D. What's shakin'?
:'''King Dedede''': ME! You just blowed up my monster transmitter!
:'''Escargoon''': And you nearly got us, too!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Kirby doesn't stand a chance without help.
:''[the Cappies turn around and notice Kit Cosmos]''
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Well what're you waitin' for? We can't let a Star Warrior battle alone!
:'''Samo''': Who is he?
:'''Mabel''': I don't know, but he could use a shave.
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Sergeant Kit Cosmos! I served with Meta Knight and the Star Warrior force and I'm reportin' for duty.
:'''Iro''': Tiff told us about you.
:'''Honey''': He's a big hero.
:'''Spikehead''': You live on that island.
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Kirby and his squad found me there, and when they went home, I chose to stay. But now I've come to help Kirby take on eNeMeE. All right then, who's ready to fight alongside me?
:'''Samo''': He certainly is a tough cookie.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Yeah. Even tougher than my cookies.
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Will you stand alongside me, or are you a cowering coward?
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': We can't fight, Sergeant.
:'''Prof. Curio''': We're not soldiers.
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Not soldiers? Is that a reason for you to stand there and do nothin'?! Kirby's riskin' his life to save your planet, and it's your duty to help him!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Look who's here.
:'''Tiff''': Sergeant Cosmos!
:'''Kit Cosmos''': I'd never miss a fight if I can help it. ''[Meta Knight steps out to greet him]'' Meta Knight sir!
:'''Meta Knight''': What brings you here?
:'''Kit Cosmos''': I may be a soldier who's over the hill, but I'm proud to serve one last time, if you'll have me.
:'''Meta Knight''': I will.
:'''Kit Cosmos''': It'll be an honor, sir.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I can mess up the mess hall, so count me in too!
:'''Dr. Yabui''': You'll need a medic.
:'''Gus''': And I've got the muscle to tune this baby up for ya!
:'''Tiff''': Thanks, guys! But not all of us can go.
:'''Tuff''': Yeah. Somebody's gotta stay behind to start rebuilding Cappy Town.
:'''Prof. Curio''': Hmmm. We never thought of that, did we?
:'''Gengu''': Yeah, I guess you're... ''[the area around them shakes again]''
:'''Sword Knight''': All volunteers on board.
:'''Blade Knight''': ''*mumbling*'' Help Kirby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Hey, sire. What were you supposed to do again?
:'''King Dedede''': I was supposed to plant this here time bomb on the ship.
:'''Escargoon''': We weren't supposed to be on the ship, were we?
:'''King Dedede''': Aaah! Get me outta here!

== [Episode 99] Combat Kirby ([Episode 99] 撃滅! ナイトメア大要塞) ==
:'''Sword Knight''': Don't worry. She'll be fine. This ship's made to move at hyper speeds.
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, but none of us are.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': Some wormhole. I don't see no worms nowhere.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Our sensors go to have picked up some sort of battleship coming out of a wormhole one light year away. It appears that Kirby and Meta Knight have decided to attack us with their puny little battle barge.
:'''Nightmare''': They are growing desperate. They'll realize I have them beaten. I was hoping they'd be foolish enough to attack, so I've prepared a surprise for them.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': The capsule's set, sir. I'll send it on its way. ''[sends out a capsule containing Heavy Lobster]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Cooking this space food is as easy as boiling water!
:'''Samo''': This is the first time I ever enjoyed Kawasaki's cooking.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Can I boil you some dessert?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Yabui''': Rather dull up here. When I don't have any patients to see, I get rather impatient.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Isn't there any place we can go to get away from you two?
:'''Tiff''': I should've guessed you'd try and stow away.
:'''Escargoon''': We have a right to be here, sister!
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah, this ship was built on my property.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': What are you doing here?!
:'''King Dedede''': I'm comin' along to give you all a helping hand! I'm sick and tired of eNeMeE sending me all them defective monsters!
:'''Escargoon''': What else can we say? We're disgruntled.
:'''King Dedede''': I'm gonna show them crooked creepos that they've done ripped off this here king for the last time!
:'''Tiff''': Well we don't believe a word you say!
:'''Meta Knight''': Do your duty, Chief.
:'''Chief Bookem''': I'm lockin' you up as non-combatant detainees.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': You think he was trying to tell me something.
:'''Escargoon''': He did sound awfully final.
:''[King Dedede and Escargoon screaming in shocked. And they hugged in panicking]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': I think we got ourselves a monster!
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, there must be some mistake. I didn't order no monster from ya!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': We sent this monster to you for free, Your Majesty.
:'''King Dedede''': Well I don't want no favors from ya, so just take it all back, ya hear?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': You ain't nothing but a cheap chizzlin' cheater and now we gonna settle the score with ya.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Can't we just talk this over?
:'''King Dedede''': It's too late! We just found your space fortress and now we gonna make a sneak attack!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Thanks for the tip off, Big D. ''[to the other members of N.M.E.]'' Prepare for attack. Launch all Destraya ships immediately! ''[signs out]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, that chump just hung up on me!
:'''Tiff''': You're the one who's the chump!
:'''Tuff''': Thanks to you, they know our whole plan now.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[he and Dedede are shocked by what Tiff &amp; Tuff just said]'' That sales guy just tricked you again, sire.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Laughs]'' Least I don't have to pay that phone bill.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gus''': They got thousands of those flyin' hub-cabs!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Maybe we should go back while there's still time.
:'''Chief Bookem''': I agree. There's no way we can win this.
:'''Meta Knight''': We will not retreat. We must enter the fortress and fight to the finish!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[three Destraya ships suddenly attack the other Destraya ships to everybody's amazement]''
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': What's going on? They're fighting each other.
:'''Tuff''': And they're not attackin' us.
:'''Tiff''': What's eNeMeE up to now?
:'''Meta Knight''': We are not fighting this battle alone.
:'''Knuckle Joe''': ''[turns on his screen to contact the Halberd crew]'' Hey, how's it going, gang?
:'''Tiff''': Knuckle Joe!
:'''Knuckle Joe''': I took over a Destraya and was hoping you'd let me join your party.
:'''Sirica''': ''[her screen comes on as well]'' Do you remember me? I came along to help, too.
:'''Tiff''': Hey, that's Sirica!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo!
:'''Sirica''': Knuckle Joe and I have become friends now and we're teaming up to help you defeat eNeMeE.
:'''Sir Arthur''': ''[his and his knights' screen comes on as well]'' And we will be joining the battle as well.
:'''Meta Knight''': Arthur, and the rest of the Star Warriors!
:'''Sir Arthur''': We were able to raid the fortress and commandeer some Destraya ships. We will clear the way for you to enter the fortress so you and Kirby can challenge eNeMeE.
:'''Meta Knight''': It'll be an honor.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''Knuckle Joe''': But right now, just sit back and let us handle that fleet.
:'''Sirica''': Now onto victory!
:'''Sir Arthur''': Full speed ahead!
:''[the three Destrayas that Knuckle Joe, Sirica, Sir Arthur and his knights stole destroy the other Destrayas]''
:'''Tiff''': They destroyed the enemy ships!
:'''Meta Knight''': Yes! Now we can enter the fortress. Set sail for liftoff! ''[the Halberd blasts its way past more Destrayas and successfully enters the entrance to Nightmare's fortress]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief Bookem''': It's awful quiet.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I wonder why nobody's attacking us.
:'''Tuff''': Maybe they've given up.
:'''Sword Knight''': Detecting something big, closing fast.
:'''Tiff''': Look there!
:'''Kirby''': Pooo...
:''[Nightmare, finally stepping out of the shadows after 98 episodes, makes himself known to the Halberd crew through a giant projection of himself]''
:'''Meta Knight''': eNeMeE...
:'''Nightmare''': Heh. It was a mistake to come here, Kirby. As you can see, you and your puny band of Star Warriors pose no threat to me. Challenging me is the last mistake you will ever make!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo!
:''[Nightmare laughs evilly]''
:'''Meta Knight''': Follow him.

== [Episode 100] Fright to the Finish ([Episode 100] 飛べ! 星のカービィ) ==
:'''Tiff''': Meta Knight, those blasts went right through him.
:'''Meta Knight''': He has led us into a trap!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': I guess Kirby's gonna beat us once and for all, Sire.
:''[Dedede's cell phone starts ringing]''
:'''King Dedede''': What's that sound?
:'''Escargoon''': Your phone. ''[Dedede pulls out his phone and struggles to catch it]'' Ugh, that music's annoying. I wish you'd put it on vibrate. ''[Dedede catches his phone]''
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Hey there! Are you ready to surrender yet, Your Majesty?
:'''Escargoon''': You bet we are.
:'''King Dedede''': I ain't never gonna wave no white flag!
:'''Escargoon''': Forget His Highness. Can you at least save me?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': If you'd like to negotiate, you'll have to speak with my boss. ''[reveals Nightmare, who hypnotizes both Dedede and Escargoon]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sword Knight''': ''[using King Dedede's cell phone that he dropped to track the signal]'' The signal's coming from up there.
:'''Gus''': Must be the command center.
:'''Dr. Yabui''': That's where they control the fortress.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Hey, let's set up a blast up there and wreck the place. That'll stop eNeMeE!
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, but who can do it?
:'''Tokkori''': It's your idea, so you oughtta go.
:''[Chef Kawasaki gasps]''
:'''Kit Cosmos''': ''[laughs heartily]'' Don't worry. I'm comin' along to provide backup support.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I wish I never cooked up this idea.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Thanks for the special delivery.
:'''King Dedede''': I know that voice. You're the sales dude!
:'''Escargoon''': We've never actually seen you in person before.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Well you're in for a little surprise. ''[turns his chair around, and, to the surprise of Tiff, Dedede, and Escargoon, reveals that he has stubby feet similar to other Kirby characters and is only about as tall as Escargoon]''
:'''King Dedede''': You look a lot taller on the TV screen.
:'''Escargoon''': You're almost as shrimpy as Kirby.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Hohohohoho! I may be shrimpy, but I'm a whale of a salesman. And now, we'll take the kid. ''[Nightmare grabs Tiff]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nightmare''': It's too late, child. Kirby is about to face his worst nightmare...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''[evilly laughs]'' Kirby's falling right into our trap, thanks to you.
:'''King Dedede''': Hold it! We've got a problem here.
:'''Escargoon''': We could use some refreshments.
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah. How about showing us some grinditude with some grub?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I'm afraid I can't help you fellas. There's no kitchen in the command center.
:'''Escargoon''': We'll call Kawasaki!
:'''King Dedede''': Oooh! ''[laughs and grabs the microphone]'' Yo, Kawasaki! Whip me up a little something and rush it to me right away!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Here you go, sire! Liver and spinach surprise.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': How'd he get in here!?
:'''King Dedede''': Oh boy! Home cooking! ''(sits down to eat Kawasaki's cooking and enjoys it)'' Mmm. This here dish is delish! Go on. Have a bite.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': No thanks, I'm not...
:'''King Dedede''': ''[shoves the liver into the N.M.E. Sales Guy's mouth]'' You're gonna love it! ''[laughs]''
:'''Escargoon''': ''[as the N.M.E. Sales Guy turns around, unable to handle the taste of Kawasaki's cooking]'' Bet ya never tasted anything like that!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nightmare''': This is checkmate, Kirby. The game is up!
:'''Tiff''': You brought Kirby here because this is where you make nightmares! But he's not afraid of you and your tricks.
:'''Nightmare''': We shall see about that! Before this match is over, you will both learn the force of my power. ''[evilly laughs]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': We can use the monster delivery system here to deliver us home.
:'''Tokkori''': You don't seriously expect us to use that contraption, do ya?
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Hm. It's worth a try.
:'''Meta Knight''': But it is close to the place where you planted that bomb.
:''[the rest of the crew gasp]''
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': We have to go back?
:'''Meta Knight''': Yes, and we do not have a moment to lose!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nightmare''': He has used up all of his energy. Kirby is now completely helpless. I can crush him with little effort... But first, some fun! I shall enter Kirby's sleep and give him a nightmare, and you can join him. This dream will be a real scream!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nightmare''': ''[screams in terror as Kirby surrounds him with a barrage of stars from the Star Rod]'' No! How did Kirby discover the secret? That pitiful little Star Warrior has found my only weakness. I am helpless against the power of the Star Rod!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': eNeMeE is really a living nightmare, so the only place you could beat him was inside a dream. Good work, Kirby! You are the only Star Warrior who gets the secret of the Star Rod and can use it against eNeMeE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[About Tuff, Meta Knight, and the Cappies]'' We better go look for the others now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Hi, everybody!
:'''Tuff''': Hey, Tiff!
:'''Tiff''': Kirby battled eNeMeE and he beat him!
:''[everyone cheers now that they've heard the good news]''
:'''Tiff''': Where are you guys going?
:'''Tuff''': The Halberd was blown away. We have to escape before our bomb goes off!
:''[Tiff and Kirby gasp upon hearing Tuff's own fair share of news]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughs]'' That liver sure made you shiver!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''[brushing his teeth to get the taste of Kawasaki's cooking out of his mouth]'' I was completely disgusted!
:'''Escargoon''': Now you know how we feel about you!
:''[both laugh until they are suddenly interrupted by the Halberd's crew barging into the command center]''
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': There's the monster delivery system!
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, what's goin' on?!
:'''Chief Bookem''': Kirby beat eNeMeE and now we're gonna destroy this place!
:'''King Dedede''': No way!
:''[the N.M.E. Sales Guy gasps in shock and terror after having heard what Chief Bookem just said and makes a run for it]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sir Arthur''': Kirby and his crew have actually done it.
:'''Knuckle Joe''': I hope they had time to...get away.
:'''Sirica''': Good luck, my friends.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Last line, series finale; the sun rises over the horizon and the people look on at the fully-rebuilt Cappy Town happily]''
:'''Mayor Len''': Cappy Town's as beautiful as ever.
:'''Mabel''': It was hard work, but we rebuilt it together.
:'''Tiff''': Everything's back to normal.
:'''Escargoon''': Except for the castle...''[he and King Dedede look at the still-damaged Castle Dedede]'' It's still a wreck.
:'''King Dedede''': And I ain't even got me a way to order me no more monsters.
:'''Meta Knight''': ''[holds Dedede's cell phone out]'' What about this?
:'''King Dedede''': Ah! Gimme!
:''[King Dedede turns his cell phone on only to find its monitor all fuzzed out due to the destruction of Nightmare's fortress and the command center that was inside it, and he and Escargoon sigh in sadness. Tiff, Tuff, &amp; Kirby laugh at the two and then look back at Cappy Town]''
:'''Tiff''': And so Kirby saved the galaxy and proved himself to be the greatest Star Warrior of all... and life in Dream Land went back to normal. But I suppose that with Kirby around, life will always be an adventure. Isn't that right, Kirby?
:'''Kirby''': Puuu... Poyo!

== English Voice Cast ==
:[[w:Makiko Ohmoto|Makiko Ohmoto]] (Japanese voice kept) – Kirby and Kirbysaurus (Ep 76)
:[[w:Kerry Williams|Kerry Williams]] – Tiff and Tiffasaurus (Ep 76)
:[[w:Kayzie Rogers|Kayzie Rogers]] – Tuff, Lady Like, Hana, Honey, and Tuffadactyl (Ep 76)
:[[w:Ted Lewis|Ted Lewis]] – King Dedede, Escargoon, Escargoon's Mother, Amon, D-Rex (Ep 75-76), Escarsaurus (Ep 76), Escar-Droid, Rekketsu (Ep 83), Crowmon (Ep 87), and Maimaigoon (Ep 88)
:[[w:Eric Stuart|Eric Stuart]] – Meta Knight, Gus, Sword Knight, Blade Knight, Coo, Slice n' Splice, and Yamikage
:[[w:Andrew Rannells|Andrew Rannells]] – Chief Bookem (75–100), Nightmare, Rick, Benikage, Max Flexer, and Bookemsaurus (Ep 76)
:[[w:Maddie Blaustein|Maddie Blaustein]] – Chef Kawasaki, Gengu, Tuggle, Biblio, Waddle Doo, Mr. Curio, Melman, Hardy, Kawasakisaurus (Ep 76), and Bonkers
:[[w:Mike Pollock|Mike Pollock]] – Mayor Len, Samo, Kit Cosmos, Chef Shittake, Lensaurus (Ep 76) and Samosaurus (Ep 76)
:[[w:Amy Birnbaum|Amy Birnbaum]] – Kirby (speaking parts in early episodes), Spikehead and Mabel
:[[w:David Lapkin|David Lapkin]] – Sir Ebrum, Dr. Yabui, Mr. Chip (Ep 83), and Dis Walney (Ep 89)
:[[w:Veronica Taylor|Veronica Taylor]] – Rowlin and Sirica
:[[w:Darren Dunstan|Darren Dunstan]] – Kine and Dr. Moro
:[[w:Jerry Lobozzo|Jerry Lobozzo]] – Chief Bookem (1–75)
:[[w:Tara Jayne|Tara Jayne]] – Fololo, Falala, Princess Rona, and Commander Vee
:[[w:Dan Green|Dan Green]] – NME Salesman and Whispy Woods
:[[w:Kevin Kolack|Kevin Kolack]] – Tokkori, Knuckle Joe
:[[w:Jim Napolitano|Jim Napolitano]] – Kabu and Iro
:[[w:James Carter Cathcart|James Carter Cathcart]] – Sir Gallant
:[[w:Lisa Ortiz|Lisa Ortiz]] – Buttercup, Mabel, and Lovely

== Japanese Voice Cast ==

{{Wikipedia}}
:[[w:Makiko Ohmoto|Makiko Ohmoto]] – Kirby, Hohhe, and Rick
:[[w:Sayuri Yoshida|Sayuri Yoshida]] – Fumu
:[[w:Rika Komatsu|Rika Komatsu]] – Bun 
:[[w:Kenichi Ogata (voice actor)|Kenichi Ogata]] – King Dedede
:[[w:Naoki Tatsuta|Naoki Tatsuta]] – Escargon
:[[w:Atsushi Kisaichi|Atsushi Kisaichi]] – Sir Meta Knight and Chief Borun
:[[w:Yuko Mizutani|Yuko Mizutani]] – Memu, Mabel, Waddle Doo, Lovely, Mini-Galbo, Walky, Phan-Phan, and Devil Frog
:[[w:Takashi Nagasako|Takashi Nagasako]] – Parm, Mayor Len, Professor Curio, and Beat 
:[[w:Chiro Kanzaki|Chiro Kanzaki]] – Lololo, Blade Knight, Kana, Iroo and Coo
:[[w:Madoka Akita|Madoka Akita]] – Lalala, Sato, Honey, Iroo's Mother, Princess Rona, Scarfy, and The Twin Nuts
:[[w:Osamu Hosoi|Osamu Hosoi]] – Gus, Whispy Woods, and Kittari Hattari
:[[w:Banjo Ginga|Banjo Ginga]] – Customer Service and Nightmare
:[[w:Fujiko Takimoto|Fujiko Takimoto]] – Tokkori and Honey's Mother 
:[[w:Hiroshi Naka|Hiroshi Naka]] – Dakonyo and Dr. Moro
:[[w:Isshin Chiba|Isshin Chiba]] – Yamikage and Monsieur Goan
:[[w:Kazunori Sekine|Kazunori Sekine]] – Dr. Yabui and Bibli
:[[w:Mizuki Saito|Mizuki Saito]] – Gangu and Tago
:[[w:Bin Shimada|Bin Shimada]] – Quixano
:[[w:Hikaru Tokita|Hikaru Tokita]] – Sword Knight
:[[w:Junichi Sugawara|Junichi Sugawara]] – Cook Osaka
:[[w:Kazue Ikura|Kazue Ikura]] – Broom King
:[[w:Keiko Yamamoto|Keiko Yamamoto]] – Escargon's Mother
:[[w:Minami Takayama|Minami Takayama]] – Knuckle Joe
:[[w:Kumiko Watanabe|Kumiko Watanabe]] – Benikage
:[[w:Norio Tsuboi|Norio Tsuboi]] – Chef Nagoya
:[[w:Shigeru Nakahara|Shigeru Nakahara]] – Mr. Chip
:[[w:Tomoe Hanba|Tomoe Hanba]] – Silica
:[[w:Tomomichi Nishimura|Tomomichi Nishimura]] – Master Bacteria
:[[w:Yuko Sasamoto|Yuko Sasamoto]] – Vee (Princess Rona)
:[[w:Yumi Toma|Yumi Toma]] – Rowlin

[[Category:Fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:Anime]]
[[Category:Japanese TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:FOX shows]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3147966</id>
      <parentid>3147965</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T01:45:41Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1702:3460:3310:A4F8:44D6:506B:B96D</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* [Episode 49] Kirby Takes the Cake ([Episode 51] センチメンタル・カービィ) */</comment>
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'''''[[w:Kirby: Right Back at Ya!|Kirby: Right Back at Ya!]]''''', known in Japan as Hoshi no Kirby (星のカービィ Hoshi no Kābī, Kirby of the Stars), is a Japanese anime series created by Warpstar, Inc. and based on Nintendo's Kirby franchise. The series ran for one hundred episodes from October 6, 2001 to September 27, 2003. The series aired on Chubu-Nippon Broadcasting in Japan and in the United States on 4Kids TV; 4Kids Entertainment heavily edited the content in the process.

== [Episode 1] Kirby Comes to Cappy Town ([Episode 1] 出た! ピンクの訪問者)==
:'''Escargoon''': Monster!? That's ridiculous! There's no monster in this castle!
:'''Cappy''': Yes there is! It's big and it eats everything in sight!
:'''Escargoon''': That's King Dedede! There's no monster. Now why don't you go on back to your little trailer park so the King can have his supper in peace?
:'''Tiff''': Hey, wait a minute, Escargoon! Not so fast! ''[Tiff, her brother Tuff, and their parents Sir Ebrum and Lady Like appear]'' How do we know you're not lying again?
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, like you usually do?
:'''Escargoon''': You have no right to speak to me that way. Your parents should slap you silly.
:'''Tiff''': Papa, something funny's going on!
:'''Sir Ebrum''': You might be right, Tiff. A monster is the kind of thing that Dedede would love.
:'''Lady Like''': The king must be behind this!
:'''Escargoon''': You're court official. How dare you accuse his royal highness! ''[to King Dedede]'' Want me to check 'em in for a two-week stay in the dungeon, sweet kingey?
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Laughs and turns to face everyone else]'' A monster, huh? Would the monster happen to look anything that?
:''[He points to a fish tank containing a small octopus]''
:'''Cappy''': That's it! That's the monster! Except it was a hundred times bigger!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughs]'' Well you can see this ain't no monster, it's my new pet octopus. The only thing he likes to eat is sardines.
:''[He drops one in the tanks. The octopus eats it]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hehehehe. Little fella wouldn't hurt a fly less it was on the end of a fish hook!
:'''Escargoon''': Of course it wouldn't. Now get out and go back to your trailer park so the king can have his dessert! Go on! Poof, you're gone!
:''[Tiff runs up to the octopus. The two exchange stares]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kabu''': Tell me, citizens of Dreamland. For what purpose have you come to consult me?
:'''Sir Ebrum''': We seek your wisdom and knowledge Kabu! For three nights a giant monster has been stealing our sheep.
:'''Lady Like''': And it's robbing me of my beauty sleep.
:'''Mayor Len''': King Dedede says it's not his monster...
:'''Chief Bookem''': But I don't believe that rascal.
:'''Tuff''': You know the truth, Kabu!
:'''Tiff''': Please tell us where the monster is, Kabu, and how we can make it go away.
:'''Kabu''': The monster is here. And all of Dreamland is in grave danger.
:'''Tiff''': Why did he come here?
:'''Kabu''': It was called here by your own King Dedede. ''[in the distance, Dedede and Escargoon are watching from Dedede's tank]''
:'''Escargoon''': Sounds like the big Kabu-na's got your number, crownie.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[punches Escargoon on the head]'' That tattle-telling tiki!
:'''Kabu''': The monster was created, by one far more powerful than King Dedede.
:'''Chief Bookem''': I'd like to lock both of them up.
:'''Mayor Len''': What can we do to stop them?
:'''Kabu''': There is nothing you can do.
:''[Everyone is in shock]''
:'''Sir Ebrum''': Oh dear!
:'''Lady Like''': Oh dear me!
:'''Falala''': Is Dreamland doomed?
:'''Tiff''': Can anybody help, Kabu?
:'''Kabu''': There is one hope... a Star Warrior traveling through space... whose name is Kirby.
:'''Tiff''': Kirby.
:'''Tuff''': Yay, Kirby!
:'''Tiff''': Hmmm, bet he's cute!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[He and Escargoon enter]'' That's trash you're talking, Kabu. Ain't no such person as Kirby.
:'''Escargoon''': That's right. You're full of Kabu-loney.
:'''Kabu''': Kabu can see the future.
:'''King Dedede''': Then why don't you predict what's gonna happen when I push this here button?
:'''Kabu''': I predict you will not push it.
:'''King Dedede''': Hey Escargoon, did ya hear that one? ''[laughs]'' Well I predict you're dead wrong!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': It's gotta be impossible, but your name wouldn't happen to be &quot;Kirby&quot;?!
:'''Kirby''': Kirby! Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[After Kirby saves her from falling to her death]'' Kirby just saved my life.
:'''Tuff''': A monster wouldn't have done that, Tiff.
:'''Fololo''': You're right, Tuff.
:'''Falala''': Maybe Kirby is a Star Warrior.
:'''Tiff''': ''[dusting herself]'' Impossible, Falala. Warriors are big and strong, not pink and puffy! ''[Kirby walks by her, surprising her]''
:'''Tuff''': Hey, where are you going? ''[Kirby runs faster, and he, Fololo &amp; Falala give chase]'' Hey, wait up!
:'''Fololo''': He doesn't understand!
:'''Falala''': Don't let him get away, Fololo!
:'''Tiff''': Some warrior.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': My parents work for the King, and we live in the castle. In case you were wondering, my name's Tiff.
:'''Kirby''': Name Tiff.
:''(Tiff gasps)''
:'''Kirby''': Name Tiff!
:'''Tuff''': I'm her brother, Tuff.
:'''Kirby''': Tuff.
:'''Fololo''': And we're their friends Fololo...
:'''Falala''': ... and Falala!
:'''Kirby''': Fololo, Falala?
:'''Tuff''': Guess Kirby must be a baby warrior.
:''[Tiff, Tuff, Fololo, and Falala laugh]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Len''': ...And as Mayor of Cappy Town, I know I speak for everyone when I say we're pleased and proud to welcome our honored guest, the mighty Star Warrior Kirby.
:'''Chief Bookem''': I can speak for myself, thank you.
:'''Mayor Len''': Hah, we all know that, Chief Bookem.
:'''Tuff''': Let's hurry up and eat.
:'''Tiff''': Kirby doesn't understand what you're saying anyway.
:'''Mayor Len''': Then let's dig in, shall we?
:''[Kirby inhales everyone's dinner and then spits their accessories, plates, and silverware back out]''
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''Tuff''': ''[yells in frustration and falls face-first on the table surface]'' I knew I should've started eatin'.
:'''Tiff''': Hey, what's the big idea, Kirby?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Careful with that starship, snailbrain! Once we get it fixed, we can send Kirby back where he came from.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Why does he have to be so abusive? Self-esteem issues, anyone?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Welcome to Nightmare Enterprises, King Dedede. How may I assist you?
:'''King Dedede''': Look, pal, I don't like to complain, but I paid you folks a lot of money for an octopus monster and it turned out to be a little shrimp.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Just give it time, Your Highness, and I guarantee that little shrimp will grow on you.
:'''King Dedede''': Alright.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[screams upon seeing that Octacon has grown to its true size]'' HOLY CALAMARI!
:'''Escargoon''': Get back in your tank, you overgrown appetizer!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[tackles Escargoon]'' Find the receipt for this thing, 'cause I want my money back!
:'''Meta Knight''': You had better leave, Sire.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': ''[about what Kirby did to Octacon's miniature octopus]'' He sucked 'em up.
:'''Tiff''': Just like he sucked up our dinner.
:'''Meta Knight''': It is Kirby's classic defense - inhale.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': ''[about Kirby's transformation]'' That is Kirby's copy ability. After inhaling an attack, Kirby can transform himself. Kirby has now become... Fire Kirby.

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:'''King Dedede''': There goes my refund.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, I do believe we've been starstruck.

== [Episode 2] A Blockbuster Battle ([Episode 2] 大変! 戦士のおうち探し)==
:'''King Dedede''': They look like rejects to me. I need something strong enough to get rid of Kirby...for good!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Kirby's sure striking out with the plates.
:'''King Dedede''': Then let's see if he can slide.

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:'''Escargoon''': ''[about Blocky]'' This thing's even heavier than you, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah. Big enough to beat Kirby!

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:'''King Dedede''': You dumb blockhead!
:'''Escargoon''': We're sunk and so is he!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I'm gonna miss my little Blocky!
:'''Escargoon''': Well, Sire, it just goes to show you you shouldn't take your monsters for granite.

== [Episode 3] Kirby's Duel Role ([Episode 3] え! メタナイト卿と対決?) ==
:'''Tiff''': Meta Knight came here to see you, didn't he, Kabu?
:'''Kabu''': He came here to consult with me about the threat to the planet.
:'''Tiff''': Threat to the planet? What do you mean?
:'''Kabu''': There is a secret empire of evil ruled by one known as eNeMeE. ''[does a flashback to a shadowed Nightmare placing Chess monsters on the chessboard in his lair]'' It is his plan to control the entire universe. He creates monsters and delivers them to customers like Dedede, who do not know their true purpose. But eNeMeE made one grave mistake. ''[Nightmare grimaces in pain as the shadowed sphere he was about to place on the chessboard has just stabbed his finger with a sword]'' One creature was produced that would not obey his orders, and eNeMeE fears it may defeat him. ''[Nightmare furiously slams the chessboard as the flashback ends]''
:'''Tiff''': The creature must be... Kirby.
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, and that must be why eNeMeE's trying to get rid of him.
:'''Kabu''': That is the likely explanation.
:'''Tiff''': Well, we better get going. Thanks a lot, Kabu.
:'''Tuff''': Hey, Kabu. Where'd ya learn all that stuff?
:'''Kabu''': I learned it long ago, from Meta Knight.
:'''Tuff''': Say what?!
:'''Tiff''': From Meta Knight?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Well, that pink punk ain't gonna make a monkey out of King Dedede. ''[starts driving back to his castle only to be interrupted by Meta Knight]'' Outta my way, Meta Knight!
:'''Meta Knight''': Sire, it is my duty to warn you. Kirby has great power now.
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah? Well, who's the king around here, you or me?
:'''Escargoon''': Move it or lose it!
:'''Meta Knight''': It pains me to do this, sire. But I'm afraid I must. ''[kicks Dedede's tank downhill]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey! What's happening?!
:'''Escargoon''': We're going backwards!
:'''King Dedede''': I know that! Hit the brakes!
:'''Escargoon''': They won't hold, we're gonna crash!
:'''King Dedede''': Do something!
:'''Escargoon''': Like what?!
:'''King Dedede''': Break my fall!
:''[The tank reverses off a nearby cliff and crashes off-screen]''

== [Episode 4] Dark and Stormy Knight ([Episode 4] 星の戦士のひみつ) ==
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Sorry, Your Majesty. But our contract says that Kracko can't be sent backo! ''[laughs]''

== [Episode 5] Beware: Whispy Woods! ([Episode 5] 怒れ! ウィスピーウッズ) ==
:'''Tiff:''' Our planet's ecosystem is a marvel of symbiotic relationships among all living things large and small. Wow, isn't that amazing, Kirby? ''(notices Kirby is missing)'' Kirby? Kirby!
:'''Tuff:''' I guess Kirby must've got bored and went for a walk or something.

== [Episode 6] Un-Reality TV ([Episode 6] 見るぞい! チャンネルDDD)==
:'''Tiff''': WE USED TO HAVE LIVES BEFORE TELEVISION!!!!!

== [Episode 7] Kirby's Egg-Cellent Adventure ([Episode 7] 逆襲! ダイナブレイド) ==
:'''King Dedede''': Look at all the variety. There's shy birds, fly birds, blue birds, two birds, crazy birds, and lazy birds!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Remind me to install some escalators on this mountain.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[singing]'' ''♪ Dyna Blade had an egg she laid, E-I-E-I-O. But a handsome king had a plan he made, E-I-E-I-O. When Kirby eats that big old egg, Dyna Blade's gonna grab him by the leg, drag him away to a secret lair, finally get Kirby out of my hair. ♪'' Dyna Blade... Hey, look!
:'''Escargoon''': Let's hide.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Our deeds bind us to fate as surely as the sun sets.
:'''Tiff''': Could you say that in English?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Kirby, I was only kidding! You'd be too tough for anybody to eat.

== [Episode 8] Curio's Curious Discovery ([Episode 8] キュリオ氏の古代プププ文明) ==

:'''Tiff''': Remember what you always say. The most important thing isn't to show your theories right, but to dig all the way to the truth!

== [Episode 9] The Fofa Factor ([Episode 9] ロロロとラララ愛のメロディ)==
:'''Escargoon''': Sire, a message from your fortune teller.
:'''King Dedede''': Well? What's my soothsayer say?
:'''Escargoon''': I'm lookin', I'm lookin! It says, &quot;If you look for trouble, your trouble will double.&quot;
:'''King Dedede''': Hmph. What's that mumbo-gumbo supposed to mean?
:'''Escargoon''': I'm not sure, but there's more.
:'''King Dedede''': Good. Is it next week's lottery numbers?
:'''Escargoon''': If it was, I wouldn't tell you. It says, &quot;Your account is past due. Pay up, you cheap tightwad!&quot; ''[Dedede hammers him]'' Great. Just 'cause I'm a snail, I get slugged.
:'''King Dedede''': Well I'll show her. I'm ordering a new monster.
:'''Escargoon''': Did you order me some aspirin?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Say, you Cappies look kinda sheepish. Hah! Sheepish! That's a good one! ''[laughs]''
:'''Chief Bookem''': King Dedede! ''[Dedede looks at Bookem with a shocked expression on his face]'' Body-snatchin's illegal.
:'''King Dedede''': So what? You may have my body, but I'm still head around here!
:'''Mayor Len''': We demand you return us to normal, your highness. We're one furious flock!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Boy Kirby and Girl Kirby laugh]''
:'''Falala''': I think we'd better keep it down guys.
:'''Fololo''': Falala, they look just like us!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fofa''': No! Let me go, you creep! I don't wanna be sent to hurt anybody!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': All you can do is float in the air, you useless little clown. We're splitting you in two.
:'''Fofa''': In two?! No please, you can't!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': ''[after Slice n' Splice's sun rod has disintegrated]'' It's too late to use it now. The sun rod bit the dust.
:'''Tiff''': I'm really sorry that we couldn't put you two back together again.
:'''Falala''': That's okay. We may have two bodies...
:'''Fololo''': But we've got one heart. [he and Falala hug each other]

== [Episode 10] Hail to the Chief ([Episode 10] ボルン署長をリニュアルせよ)==
:'''Mayor Len''': Lunatics! This is a road, not a bumper car track!
:'''Escargoon''': It's your fault. I guess you haven't heard the King's always got the right of way.
:'''King Dedede''': Just ask the DDDMV!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': You could have been hurt in that crash, but luckily your stomach acts as a built-in airbag.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuggle''': The King's firing Chief Bookem?
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': There goes my doughnut sales.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Those bees gave me so many lumps that I feel like a bowl of oatmeal!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': ''[While Driving Dedede's Tank And Yelling At The Same Time]'' Driving sure is a lot harder than it looks!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Aw, my paper's in pieces! Grr... if that's how y'all gonna play it, i'm gonna up the ante!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief Bookem''': ''[to the bees, about Dedede and Escargoon]'' Company bee, arrest these crooks!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Leave us alone, don't pollinate something!
:'''King Dedede''': Don't you dare sting yo king!

== [Episode 11] The Big Taste Test ([Episode 11] 宮廷シェフ・カワサキ) ==
:'''Escargoon''': ''[shaking]'' You don't want to eat me! I'm bitter...r...r...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': What better way to honor your King than to let him sauté you?
:'''Escargoon''': ''[whimpering]'' I never thought I'd go like this...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[trying samples of Kawasaki's food]'' Tasteless! Nasty! Awful! This stinks! This too! Lousy! Putrid! Rancid! TREASON!!! Kawa-yucki, I oughta fry you up like a fritter!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': I know this came out of the oven, but it tastes like it came outta the sofa cushions!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': There's a word for this here stuff, and it ain't &quot;food&quot;!

== [Episode 12] Kirby's Pet Peeve ([Episode 15] 誕生? カービィのおとうと) ==
:'''King Dedede''': What's that thing he's got?
:'''Escargoon''': I don't know what he's got, but I've got whiplash.
:''(Kirby and the Robot Pet scream &quot;Poyo!&quot; and bark respectively at them, angrily)''
:'''King Dedede''': That's one of them computer canines! I want one of 'em, too. Where'd he get that?
:'''Escargoon''': I don't know. Probably from that toy shop in Cappy Town.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Now what do I look like, some little nitwit?
:'''Gengu''': I wouldn't say little. Definitely not.

== [Episode 13] Escargoon Squad ([Episode 12] デデデ城のユーレイ)==
:'''Meta Knight''': It appears you were able to shamboozle us all, Escargoon.
:'''Sir Ebrum''': By jove! You suddenly had me believing in ghosts.
:'''Lady Like''': Tuff, I'm ashamed of you!
:'''Tuff''': King Dedede is always doing stuff to scare us. Why shouldn't we scare him?
:'''Kirby''': Poyo!
:'''Tiff''': Well, I guess bad things happen to bad kings!
:''[Everyone in the room but Meta Knight burst out laughing]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[chasing Kirby, Tuff, Escargoon, Fololo And Falala]'' You all gonna be ghosts when I catch up with ya!

== [Episode 14] The Pillow Case ([Episode 14] 夢枕魔獣顔見勢) ==
:'''Escargoon''': What's wrong, Sire? I haven't seen you this mad since yesterday.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Take it easy on those turns.
:'''King Dedede''': Just hang on to my throne.
:'''Escargoon''': I'll hang on to the throne, Sire. It's my lunch I'm worried about.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I'm their number one customer, and they ought to acknowledge that once in a while.
:'''Escargoon''': Well, maybe they would if you pay the bill every once in a while.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Pillows? What're they for?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Haven't you ever used one? They're for sleeping.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[Hypnotized]'' Must destroy kirby. '''Destroy Kirby!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Lucky little lump.

== [Episode 15] A Fish Called Kine ([Episode 16] 私を愛したサカナ 私を愛したサカナ) ==
:'''Tiff''': A fish who can write...
:'''Kine''': A lot of fish are very educated because we spend so much time in schools.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Me, your girlfriend?!
:'''Tuff''': ''[Laughing]'' Yeah, Tiff. And he can be your Gillfriend!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Ah... the catch of the day.
:'''Tuff''': Stop! That's not sushi, that's Tiff's boyfriend!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Her... boyfriend?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': You see how dangerous it is?
:'''Tuff''': You're lucky. You must have nine lives.
:'''Kine''': Maybe that means I'm part catfish...

== [Episode 16] Flower Power ([Episode 18] 眠りの森のピンクボール) ==
:'''Fololo &amp; Falala''': Babagahara? I've heard of that place. No one who goes there has ever come back!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': This plant plan's startin' to grow on me.
:'''Dedede''': Yeah, that Pukey Flower's one bad blossom! It pops up little Noddy berries, the critters gobble them up, and the owners can't wake 'em. (laughs)
:'''Escargoon''': They think a wiff of the Pukey will wake them up, but then the Pukey eats them up!
:'''Dedede''': And now it's time for Kirby.
:'''Escargoon''': Lunch time. ''[the two burst into laughter]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirby''': ''[snoring, sleep-talking]'' Picnic...picnic...
:''[Tuff gasps]''
:'''Kirby''': ''[sleep-talking again]'' Pic...nic....

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Kirby! Glad you're okay, buddy!

== [Episode 17] Here Comes the Son ([Episode 19] ナックルジョーがやって来た!) ==
:'''King Dedede''': I happen to know just the Star Warrior you lookin' for.
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Then spill your guts, tubby.
:'''King Dedede''': Uhhh, tubby?
:'''Escargoon''': Hey wise guy, this is the king you're talking about! You can't insult him because he's fat! Or because he's a big ignoramus! Or because he's a tightwad...''[gets hammered by Dedede]''
:'''King Dedede''': '']clears throat]'' Sonny, I know just the Star Warrior you lookin' for, and his name's Kirby.
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Look out... Kirby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Knuckle Joe''': He wasn't a father. He was a weakling.
:'''Meta Knight''': Good. I am glad. That way, he will not have to see what a monster you have become. 
:'''Knuckle Joe''': What? I am not a monster! 
:'''Meta Knight''': Anyone who abandons his reason, and lives only by hatred, is a monster. 
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Grrr... 
:'''Tiff''': Knuckle Joe... What we do makes us all monsters. And now, look what you did to Kirby. 
:'''Knuckle Joe''': But I am not a monster! 
:'''Meta Knight''': But you lived by hatred. And hatred is what eNeMeE loves.

== [Episode 18] Dedede's Snow Job ([Episode 20] さよなら、雪だるまチリー) ==

== [Episode 19] A Princess in Dis-Dress ([Episode 21] 王女ローナの休日)==
:'''King Dedede''': ''(Practice proposal to Princess Rona)'' From the moment I laid my big ol' eyes on your big ol' head, I knew you were my love.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Cries]'' I wanna marry the pretty princess!
:'''Escargoon''': ''[at Princess Rona]'' Now you've broken the king's heart! ''(softly)'' How? I don't know, he doesn't have one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': My dreams are shattered. How will I ever fill this emptiness?
:'''Escargoon''': Ah, just do what you normally do. Have seven cheeseburgers.

== [Episode 20] Island of the Lost Warrior ([Episode 22] 孤島の決戦老兵は死なず!) ==
:'''Tuff''': What are we going to do, Tiff?
:'''Tiff''': I'm thinking! It takes time to come up with great ideas!
:''[Tiff's stomach growls]''
:'''Tiff''': ''[looking embarrassed]'' My stomach thinks it's a great idea for us to find some lunch now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Kirby, I'm sure glad you made friends with Sergeant Cosmos.
:'''Tuff''': Me too, but that guy's still kind of wacky.
:'''Tiff''': He's been stuck on this island so long he thinks the Star Warriors still have an army.
:'''Kit Cosmos''': ''[suddenly puts out Kirby and friends' fire that they were cooking their fish on]'' Are you kids out of your minds?! Lightin' a campfire at night will give away our position to the enemy!
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, except we don't have any enemies.
:'''Tiff''': And look. Now we don't have any dinner.
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Tough luck. During some of my missions, I went weeks with nothin' to eat but dirt! A real warrior don't need no fancy luxuries like food!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;	
:'''Kit Cosmos''': I salute you, Meta Knight!

== [Episode 21] The Empty Nest Mess ([Episode 23] 迷子のダイナベイビー)==
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon! Get this caterpillar off of me!
:'''Escargoon''': I guess I used too much formula, but at least we know it works!

== [Episode 22] Ninja Binge ([Episode 24] ニンジャ、ベニカゲ参上!)==
:'''Benikage''': Keep away from the scroll, or prepare to battle a real ninja!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Benikage''': ''[sniff]'' They're plastic anyway...''[cries]''

== [Episode 23] Like Mother, Like Snail/Escargoon Rules ([Episode 24] エスカルゴン、まぶたの母)==
:'''Tiff''': Who's so important to ya?
:'''Escargoon''': It's my... it's my... It's my mommy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon's Mother''': Ahh, it's still so hard for me to believe that I'm the mother of a king.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': You two's Escar-dentical!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Don't worry. That guy's just pretending to be king.
:'''Escargoon's Mother''': He's pretending? But why?
:'''Tiff''': It's his job to act crazy. Dedede's the court jester.
:'''Escargoon's Mother''': Court jester? You mean he's a clown?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[horrified, about his Drifter parachute]'' It's been De-De-Disintegrated!

== [Episode 24] Sword and Blade, Loyal and True/Hour of the WolfWrath ([Episode 26] 忠誠! ソードとブレイド) ==
:'''Escargoon''': (after WolfWrath has gotten away from him and Dedede) Ah, I don't think it's housebroken.
:'''Dedede''': That WolfWrath monster of yours better not wreck my castle. This ain't no doghouse!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I'm afraid WolfWrath doesn't take too well to training, Triple D. He's kind of a hot dog and if you try to break him, you'll get burned! ''[laughs]''
:'''Dedede''': Huh? It'll attack me?! ''[the N.M.E. Sales Guy laughs again]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[about WolfWrath's battle with Meta Knight]'' Look, it's battling Meta Knight, not Kirby!
:'''Dedede''': Grr... Meta Knight oughtta mind his own beeswax and let WolfWrath turn Kirby into toast!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Don't sweat it, Triple D. That monster can wipe out a whole army of Star Warriors.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': KITCHEEEEENNNNN!!! Where's the chow, ya chowder-heads? His highness is hungry up here!
:'''Waddle Doo''': But we just served the king a ten-course meal.
:'''Dedede''': All of them appetizers was un-appetizin'. Bring me ten different courses and make it snappy!
:'''Waddle Doo''': Right! ''[he and the Waddle Dees make another ten-course meal and start bringing it to the king]'' Hup, two, three, four, we bring the food and he wants more, five, six, seven, eight, the king had better watch his weight.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sword Knight''': We should have stayed to protect Kirby.
:'''Blade Knight''': ''[mumbling]'' Our promise.
:'''Sword Knight''': We're sorry, kids. We won't let it happen again.
:'''Tiff''': That's okay. The only reason you two were reckless was because you knew Meta Knight was in trouble.
:'''Tuff''': You guys sure are loyal to him. How'd you meet him?
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''Blade Knight''': ''*mumbling*'' Long time ago.
:'''Sword Knight''': Back when Meta Knight and the Star Warriors were battling Nightmare's monster armies. ''(begins flashback)'' The struggle turned the whole galaxy into a wasteland. To survive, we became bandits.
:''[Meta Knight is running up the side of the canyon when Blade Knight and Sword Knight step in his way]''
:'''Meta Knight''': Out of my way. Let me pass!
:'''Sword Knight''': Oh, we'll be happy to let you pass, for a price.
:''[Blade Knight mumbling]''
:'''Meta Knight''': I have no time for your games. The monster that is chasing me is truly dangerous.
:'''Sword Knight''': We're dangerous too.
:'''Meta Knight''': I warn you. Leave now while you still have a chance.
:''[WolfWrath's howl is heard above all three as it leaps down and attacks by surprise]''
:'''Blade Knight''': Away! Away! ''[mumbling]''
:''[Sword Knight attacks but is thrown aside by WolfWrath. It spits a fireball at them only for it to be reflected back by Meta Knight]''
:'''Meta Knight''': Run. Quickly! ''[Blade Knight and Sword Knight hide as he then fights back against WolfWrath and ultimately forces it into a nearby lake as the flashback ends]''
:'''Sword Knight''': We were just a pair of lousy crooks.
:'''Blade Knight''': Meta Knight ''*mumbling*'' rescued us.
:'''Tiff''': So that's why you follow him.
:'''Tuff''': 'Cause he saved you both.
:'''Sword Knight''': ''[about the weapons hung on the wall of their master's living room]'' Those things on the wall... We used them to rob and steal. Now they remind us of what fools we were before we met Meta Knight.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dedede''': ''[snacking on his latest ten-course meal]'' What's taking them guards so long to track my monster?
:'''Escargoon''': Finish your snack, sire. I'm checking the cameras. ''[sees WolfWrath blowing fire everywhere it goes, even at the cameras]'' Ahh! What's it doing?! ''[sees even more of the castle halls on fire]'' Ah! WolfWrath's a fire dog!
:'''Dedede''': ''[gasps in anger and starts yelling at the N.M.E. Sales Guy]'' What're you trying to pull here?! That monster's barbecuing my whole castle!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Oops! I guess I forgot to mention that. WolfWrath needs to set fires to get the strength for its attacks.
:'''Dedede''': ''[growling with anger, he's finally had enough and he gives an order to the Waddle Dees]'' Throw that WolfWrath outta here!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sword Knight''': Blade. Remember how Meta Knight saved us when WolfWrath cornered us?
:'''Blade Knight''': Hm. Aye. ''[mumbling]''
:''(flashback to when Meta Knight and WolfWrath fell into the nearby lake)''
:'''Sword Knight''': Water is WolfWrath's one weakness.
:'''Blade Knight''': ''[mumbling]'' Put it out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sword Knight''': Brings back memories, don't it, Blade?
:'''Blade Knight''': ''[mumbling]''
:''[last flashback of the episode begins, showing both Sword and Blade kneeling behind Meta Knight]''
:'''Meta Knight''': So. Are you two sure you want to join me?
:'''Blade Knight''': You're ''[mumbling]'' great warrior.
:'''Sword Knight''': We want to make your cause our cause.
:'''Meta Knight''': I will tell you what we must do. We must search for a new warrior... one who will defeat eNeMeE and bring justice to our galaxy.
:'''Sword Knight''': From that moment on, we became Meta Knight's followers.
:'''Blade Knight''': And, ''[mumbling]'' loyal to him.
:''[both Sword Knight and Blade Knight look on proudly at Kirby's triumphant pose with Galaxia as light from the sky shines down on him]''

== [Episode 25] The Flower Plot ([Episode 27] 恋に落ちたウィスピーウッズ) ==
:'''Lovely''': ''(to Whispy Woods)'' But Whispy, these oxygen-breathers can't possibly mean more to you than I do.

== [Episode 26] Labor Daze ([Episode 28] 恐怖のデデデ・ファクトリー) ==
:'''Tiff''': Dedede made us think he was making appliances, but he was really building a giant robot.
:'''Tuff''': That creep! I'd like to tear it apart with my bare hands!

== [Episode 27] The Hot Shot Chef / A Spice Oddysey ([Episode 29] 激辛! ファミレス戦争)==
:'''King Dedede''': Yuck! &lt;big&gt;Yuck!!&lt;/big&gt; &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''YUCK!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; This slop ain't fit for a doggone dog! There's gotta be something here that's eatable! ''[takes a bite of a salad, chews for a few seconds then bursts into tears]'' I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!
:'''Escargoon''': But Majesty, we've got other choices. Instant noodles, cat food, crunchy liver-and-bacon dog treats, hmm? ''[Dedede looms over him]''
:'''King Dedede''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''I WANT SOMETHIN' TASTY!!!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:''[later, at Restaurant Kawasaki...]''
:'''King Dedede''': Yuck! &lt;big&gt;Yuck!!&lt;/big&gt; &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''YUCK!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; THIS TASTES LIKE TRASH!!! Kawasaki, ain't you got nothing digestion-able in this here dump!?
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Sorry, Sire. That's every dish on the menu.
:'''King Dedede''': You ain't no chef, YOU'RE A GARBAGEMAN!!
:'''Escargoon''': Come clean, Kawasaki. All chefs have secret recipes. Don't hold out on us!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I'm not! That's all I have!
:'''King Dedede''': What a loser. Let's get out of here.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': But what about your bill?
:'''King Dedede''': Forget it, pizza-face! ''[throws a pizza at Kawasaki]''
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': ''[tastes the pizza]'' It tastes okay to me...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I need a top-class chef for my new restaurant.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': You owning a restaurant is like a termite owning a lumber yard.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Monsieur Goan''': Tornato.
:'''King Dedede''': Tornado?
:'''Escargoon''': Not tornado. Tornato. It's a fancy foreign language, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': I was joking, ya beanhead!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I can't even give my food away.
:'''Tuff''': What are you gonna do?
:'''Tiff''': I guess you can always pay people to eat here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': ''[sighs]'' He was my only customer and I turned him into a flamethrower...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': It's done. This dish is so hot, it may burn through the pot. I call it Toxic Atomic Curry. When they get a taste of this, I'll be the hottest chef in town! ''[laughs maniacally]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[gasp]'' You're on fire!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Hahahaa-haha! Atomic Curry!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Kirby's in trouble!
:'''Tiff''': That monster knows every trick in the book!
:'''Meta Knight''': You mean in the cookbook!
:'''Tiff''': Hey, that's a pretty good one!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Laughing]'' Won't be long now, Kirby!
:'''Kirby''': ''[freezes]''
:'''Tiff''': Kirby!
:'''Escargoon''': Relax, you'll feel a lot better when you try a bracing bowl of Kirby sorbet.
:'''King Dedede''': Just chill out, Kirby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Yeah! He's Fire Kirby!
:'''Meta Knight''': No, that's the heartburn from Kawasaki's cooking.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I finally out-spiced Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Alright, what's this all about a punishment?
:'''King Dedede''': If you ask me, it's punishment enough to mangle with the peasants!

== [Episode 28] Hatch Me if You Can ([Episode 30] カービィの謎のタマゴ)==
:'''Chief Bookem''': Hmm. No missing egg reports coming yet. Nobody broke into any nests, lately. I guess Kirby can go back to sittin' on the egg.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Well, they're not gonna be any help. I'm gonna have to crack this egg case myself.

== [Episode 29] Cappy New Year ([Episode 13] ププビレッジ年忘れ花火大会)==
:'''King Dedede''': This new year's gonna be a blast. ''[laughs]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': We can create our own celebration. We can do whatever we want to!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': That monster's a pyrotechnomaniac!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': It's almost midnight! So ten...
:'''Everyone else''': ...nine... eight... seven... six... five... four... three... two... one... ''[fireworks occur behind Parasol Kirby]'' HAPPY NEW YEAR!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo! ''[waves to everybody as fireworks shaped like the sentence HAPPY NEW YEAR appear behind him]''

== [Episode 30] Abusement Park ([Episode 31] ビバ! デデベガスへようこそ)==
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''[about Mike Kirby's singing]'' It's like he's scratching down a chalkboard! I can't take it! I'm sending Kirby back...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': I fear Microphone Kirby may be Kirby's most powerful form!
:'''Tiff''': Now you tell me!

== [Episode 31] Junk Jam ([Episode 33 え〜っ! 宇宙のゴミ捨て場) ==
:'''Tuff''': Kirby, doesn't your stomach ever get tired?

== [Episode 32] The Kirby Derby - Part I ([Episode 35] 栄光のプププグランプリ (前編))==
:'''King Dedede''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''I'M GONNA GET THAT GOOFBALL!!!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Tuff, I almost got run over! You should stick to a tricycle!

== [Episode 33] The Kirby Derby - Part II ([Episode 36] 栄光のプププグランプリ (後編)) ==
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': You and I were married forty years ago today. That's why I wanted to win so badly!

== [Episode 34] A Recipe for Disaster ([Episode 34] 究極鉄人、コックオオサカ)==
:'''King Dedede''': I paid Nightmare Enterprises a heap o' money so they can send me a heap o' popcorn?

== [Episode 35] Watermelon Felon ([Episode 37] お昼のデデデワイドをつぶせ!)==
:'''Meta Knight''': Sometimes the pen is mightier than the sword.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Well, you got a problem with me, pinky?
:'''Kirby''': ''[Barfs out the newspapers and the newspapers flood the castle]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''[in reaction to King Dedede uploading the millions of newspapers that Kirby flooded his entire castle with to Nightmare's Fortress]'' HEY! What do you think you're doing?!
:'''King Dedede''': There's a lot more where that came from. Nobody wants these newspapers anymore, so I gotta put 'em somewhere.

== [Episode 36] Escar-Gone ([Episode 39] 忘却のエスカルゴン) ==
:'''Meta Knight''': Tiff. Have you ever met that snail before?
:'''Tiff''': Never. I was just being nice to him because he seemed so upset.
:'''Meta Knight''': Hmmm. We've never met, but somehow he knew both of our names.
:'''Tiff''': I think the guy's missing a few marbles.
:'''Meta Knight''': Maybe so. We'd better keep an eye on him in case his condition worsens.
:'''Tiff''': I wonder if his name really is Escargoon...
:'''Escargoon''': ''[having overheard Tiff &amp; Meta Knight's conversation and realizing they've forgotten him as well]'' Oh, mercy! This is the darkest day of my life! ''[runs away crying]''

== [Episode 37] Monster Management ([Episode 40] 魔獣ハンターナックルジョー!)==
:'''King Dedede''': Ahh, ''[chuckles]'' Ain't nothin' like starting the day off with bubblin' bath!
:'''Escargoon''': It's great to be king.
:'''King Dedede''': Mmm-hm.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Our new management director suggested that we give you a hands-on demonstration. I believe you've met. Say hello, Joe.
:'''Knuckle Joe''': ''[turns around smiling while donning his new business suit]'' That's Knuckle Joe!
:''[King Dedede &amp; Escargoon's jaws drop in a huge state of surprise]''
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Nice to see you again, tubby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': Hey! Quit pluckin' my plumage, bub!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Knuckle Joe ain't qualified to work for N.M.E.!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': But Joe! I thought you wanted to battle on the side of the good guys!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': What a mess. It's gonna be monster mayhem! Well, I sure hope Kirby took his vitamins today.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[several Mini-Monsters rampage throughout Cappy Town, causing as much trouble as they want and wrecking as many things as they can find]''
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Ah! Knock it off, you lowlifes, or at least order something!
:'''Tuggle''': Yo! No piggin' out at my place without payin'!
:''[Knuckle Joe watches the chaos unfold in Cappy Town from a rooftop]''
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Perfect. Just like I planned.
:''[pan to more trouble caused in Cappy Town by the Mini-Monsters]''
:'''Prof. Curio''': Ah! That urn's an antique you uncultured brute!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': You are putting the planet in danger!
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Just trying to keep my bosses happy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Oh, that Knuckle Joe! Why did he make all this trouble?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Masher is a real heavyweight.
:'''Tiff''': ''[Replying to Meta Knight about Masher being a real heavyweight]'' You said it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Knuckle Joe leaps down, tosses away his business suit, and charges in to join in Masher's beatdown of Kirby]''
:'''Tiff''': Knuckle Joe! ''[starts shedding tears]'' Please don't do it.
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Get ready, Kirby. Your time is up! Vulcan Jab, Vulcan Jab, Vulcan Jab! ''(starts pounding on Kirby as well)''
:'''Tiff''': Poor Kirby.
:'''Tuff''': One bad guy was enough. How can Kirby win two against one?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[in reaction to Knuckle Joe's sudden betrayal against Masher]'' Hey! You was supposed to clobber Kirby, not mess with Masher!
:'''Knuckle Joe''': I tricked ya!
:''[everyone reacts in surprise]''
:'''Knuckle Joe''': It took a long time to plan, but it was worth it. I'm a monster hunter now, and I wanted to bag one of the big ones. That meant going after Masher!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Hmmm. So you hunted down Masher... with a suit and tie?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dedede''': That's De-de-devious! ''[laughing]''
:'''Escargoon''': What are you laughing at? Knuckle Joe just made you look like a knucklehead.
:'''Dedede''': AAAAH! You two-timer! Nobody monkeys with Triple D!
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Sorry, tubby. Too late!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I must take full responsibility, sir. It seems I fell for Joe's trick and...
:'''eNeMeE''': Forget it! Let the fools think they've beaten us. When they let their guard down, we'll teach them a lethal lesson. ''[laughs evilly]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': You were like a double agent, Joe!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Hunting down monsters throughout the universe... Joe, your father would be proud.

== [Episode 38] Prediction Predicament - Part I ([Episode 41] メーベルの大予言! (前編)) ==
:'''King Dedede''': Eh, What Happened?
:'''Escargoon''': You were sleepwalking, that's what happened! Or should I say you were sleepwhacking!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[screams]'' Kirbeh's after me again! ''[runs away]''
:'''Kirby''': ''[runs towards King Dedede]'' Poyo!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[runs faster]'' You keep dem fangs away from me, pinkeh!
:'''Kirby''': ''[runs faster]'' Payo, yayo!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mabel''': The monster that has been haunting you is your conscience, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': What's a conscience?
:'''Mabel''': It is the goodness that lies in the deepest part of you.
:'''Escargoon''': Oh please. The only thing lying in the deepest part of him is a fried cheese log.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Wonder what Dedede's up to?
:'''Tiff''': Based on past experience, I think it's safe to say it's something stupid.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': [about Phantom Star Gerath] Thousand years away, hmm? I don't know about our little friends, but I for one am feeling kind of impatient. What do you say we speed up the process just a little bit?
:'''Nightmare''': What a wonderful idea. ''[laughs evilly]''

== [Episode 39] Prediction Predicament - Part II ([Episode 42] メーベルの大予言! (後編)) ==
:'''Meta Knight''': Mice will always scamper away from a ship before it sinks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': Kirby... Any moment now we'll be dust in the wind. We've always been the best of buddies, huh, Kirby? Huh? Kirby? KIRBY!! Listen when I'm talkin' to ya!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': You did it! You lovable lug, you! You finally listened to your heart for once!

== [Episode 40] Sheepwrecked ([Episode 43] ヒツジたちの反逆)==
:'''Amon''': The time has come! We must defeat our oppressors. Our natural meekness has been mistaken for weakness, but from this day forward, we will not behave like simpering sheep, but like ravenous wolves. Throughout history, we have been dominated by fear. But now our oppressors will learn to fear us!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[flocks of angry sheep rampage throughout Cappy Town, eating as much food as they can find while also wrecking as many antiques as possible]''
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I knew sheep liked grass, but who knew they liked my food?
:'''Prof. Curio''': Oh, you can't go tearing up my shop like a pack of wolves!
:'''Tuggle''': Hey, you're getting wool all over my merchandise there.
:'''Amon''': You have done well. Dream Land is now at our mercy, but we will show no mercy. We will conquer this planet, my friends... and soon, the entire universe! ''[he and the other sheep howl triumphantly in unison]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amon''': Now you Cappies are the shuddering sheep, and the wicked wolves are in charge.
:'''Cappy''': Alright, what do you want us to do?
:'''Amon''': All of you, BAA!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Baa, Baa?
:'''Prof. Curio''': Baa, Baa...
:'''Amon''': I said, all of you! I command you! BAA!!!!!
:''[The Cappies and Waddle Dees Baa like sheep]''
:'''Amon''': Louder, or the wolves will get angry.
:''[The Cappies and Waddle Dees Baa even louder]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amon''': I command you. BAA! Or you will suffer the consequences! Those who disobey me will face the chopping block!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amon''': These cowards don't deserve their freedom.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amon''': There must be others like me. Others who yearn for freedom. I will seek them out, and perhaps one day I will lead a new flock.

== [Episode 41] War of the Woods ([Episode 44] ウィスピーウッズの友アコル)==
:'''Whispy Woods''': ''[about Acore]'' I can't be certain. He's been around for 800 years. There are many perils at such a great age.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': TUFF! 
:'''Tuff''': Ah! Hey Tiff, what's wrong? How come you look so mad?
:'''Tiff''': You know why! You were fighting!
:'''Iro''': We were just helping this old tree.
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, Whispy Woods asked us to.
:'''Tiff''': Oh really so Whispy Woods asked you to kick out those animals?
:'''Tuff''': Well, not exactly...
:'''Tiff''': Of course not. Because those animals helped that tree by living in it!
:'''Tuff, Iro, Spikehead And Honey''': Huh!?
:'''Kirby''': Poyo?
:'''Coo''': Acore provides us with a place to stay. And in exchange, we harm those insects and enrich the soil.
:'''Tiff''': That's right. Kicking them out was a mistake!
:'''Tuff, Iro, Spikehead And Honey''': [Sadly] Aw...
:'''Tuff''': We were only trying to help...
:'''Tokkori''': Well, ya didn't. Thanks to you that tree's even worse off than before!
:'''Coo''': You helped them too, Tokkori.
:'''Tokkori''': Yeah, I forgot that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Save the tears for your golf score, Sire.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon!
:'''Escargoon''': Your majesty! Come back!
:'''King Dedede''': We've been De-De-Divided!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Please don't fall, Acore!
:'''Tokkori''': It's too much! We can't hold 'im!
:'''Tiff''': Yes we can, just push!
:'''Coo''': We can't give up!
:'''Rick''': We can't let our friend come crashin' to the ground, mates!
:''[meanwhile, King Dedede and Escargoon are watching Kirby and co.'s valiant efforts to keep Acore standing from atop a nearby cliff]''
:'''King Dedede''': Heh heh heh heh heh. Them do-gooders think we gave up!
:'''Escargoon''': They're always overestimating our common sense. ''[has the Grasshopper Eavesdropper detonate near a nearby waterfall, causing a flood in one final attempt to destroy Acore]''

== [Episode 42] Pink-Collar Blues ([Episode 47] 帰れ、愛しのワドルディ)==
:'''Escargoon''': Believe me, it'll be cheaper than your hospital bill if you have to eat my cooking.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Don't Eat It!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon! Let's play some putt-putt!
:'''Escargoon''': I don't have time to watch you cheat at miniature golf. My entire life savings are in jeopardy!
:'''King Dedede''': Whadda ya mean I cheat?
:'''Escargoon''': Oops.
:'''King Dedede''': I ain't never cheated at miniature golf!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirby''': Poooyooooo! Poyo! ''[laughs cutely]'' Poyo! Poy!

== [Episode 43] Tourist Trap ([Episode 48] プププランド観光ツアー) ==
:'''Tiff''': Kabu here is not only extremely ancient, but he's also the wisest-- ''[notices the tourists throwing coins into Kabu's insides and gasps]'' Hey, no throwing coins!
:''[the tourists continue to throw coins into Kabu anyway]''
:'''King Dedede''': Let them folks toss away. It's free money.
:''[the tourists start painting graffiti all over Kabu]''
:'''Tuff''': Tiff, look what they're doin'! ''(Tiff notices what the tourists are now doing to Kabu)'' Knock it off!
:'''Tiff''': Kabu's one of the greatest treasures in Dream Land!
:''[the tourists bicker back at her in a foreign language]''
:'''Waddle Doo''': Chill out. We do this every place we visit.
:'''Tiff''': How rude!
:'''Escargoon''': Ah, who cares? It's just a talking tiki. Let's move it!
:''[King Dedede laughing]''
:''[the tourists prepare to leave for their next destination]''
:'''Tiff''': I'm sorry, Kabu. We'll come back and clean you up.
:'''Kabu''': I could use some moisturizer too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waddle Doo''': ''[to the tourists, pointing to his flask of ice]'' Shibi ton pa, ha ta sai Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': As far as tourism goes, Sire, here's my opinion. You might as well rename Dream Land &quot;Snoozeville&quot;!
:'''King Dedede''': Well, as far as I'm concerned, them tourists can take a hike!

== [Episode 44] A Novel Approach ([Episode 38] 読むぞい! 驚異のミリオンセラー)==
:'''King Dedede''': Somebody stole all the pictures out of this here book! It's all gobbledygook here.
:'''Escargoon''': They're words.
:''[Beat]''
:'''Escargoon''': Arghh! You rule a Kingdom and you don't even know how to read?
:''[Beat]''
:'''King Dedede''': Course I know how to read, you dummy! I learned how to before I got expelled from kindergarten!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Give me that book! I'm only up to chapter 2!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': They must be under a spell. Knock it off, King Dedede is using this game to hurt Kirby!
:'''Rowlin [Fake]''': It's too late Tiff, you can't break my spell. ''[evily laughs]''
:'''Rowlin''': You imposter! How dare you be me.
:'''Tiff''': So then you're the real author?
:'''Rowlin''': You've been hoodwinked by her. She didn't create Pappy Pottey!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rowlin''': No matter how sad we feel or how bad our circumstances, we can use our imaginations to dream something better. We should never give up on our dreams because they're what build our tomorrows!

== [Episode 45] Snack Attack - Part I ([Episode 52] 悪魔のチョコカプセル! (前編)) ==
:'''King Dedede''': I want all them candies with mini-figures in this here store!
:'''Tuggle''': Every single one of 'em?
:'''Gengu''': I don't know.
:'''King Dedede''': Perhaps this'll persuade ya. ''[laughs as he places blocks of money at Tuggle &amp; Gengu's counter to their delight]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Hmm... So they think my mini figure will be popular. Hmm... I like that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief Bookem''': ''(to Dedede)'' I'm sorry, Your Highness, but I gotta do my duty. Next time you wanna steal, just raise our taxes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I felt like a zoo animal sitting in that jail cell.
:'''Escargoon''': No self-respecting zoo would take you.

== [Episode 46] Snack Attack - Part II ([Episode 53] 悪魔のチョコカプセル! (後編)) ==
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': You've got to think creatively, D. The monsters were designed to look like toys, so they could play around with their enemies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Can't tell a crook by its blubber!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': This is perfect.
:'''Tiff''': What're you talking about?
:'''Tuff''': It's over. Kirby's gonna lose the match.
:'''Meta Knight''': In order to mature, Kirby must be pushed to his utmost limits. Only then will he learn to exceed them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Uh oh. Kirby's gonna get pulverized.
:'''Tiff''': That wrestler's too big.
:'''Meta Knight''': Every opponent has a weakness.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''*laughs*'' I tried to sell you more fighting monsters, but you decided to pinch your pennies. Now you're stuck with the junk, Big D.
:'''King Dedede''': I'll never collect nothin' again!

== [Episode 47] Cartoon Buffoon ([Episode 49] アニメ新番組星のデデデ) ==
:'''King Dedede''': Do y'all know how to tell a story? Do y'all know how to draw 'til your fingers fall off? Do y'all know how to color inside the lines? Then we want YOU! ''[Laughs]'' I'm the most important person in this whole jointhouse! Heck, I'm the producer!
:'''Spikehead''': A producer? What does a producer do?
:'''Iro''': A producer doesn't do anything.
:'''Escargoon''': Hmmmm, they gotcha there, Majesty.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[the Cappies present their poorly-drawn pictures of Dedede Man]''
:'''Mayor Len''': I think I've really captured you, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[tears the drawing out of Len's hand]'' I oughtta capture you!
:'''Iro''': What do you think, Your Majesty?
:'''King Dedede''': ''[tears the drawing out of Iro's hand]'' I think it stinks!
:'''Tuggle''': Pretty good, huh?
:'''King Dedede''': ''[tears the drawing out of Tuggle's hand]'' Pretty awful!
:'''Melman''': I slimmed you down a bit.
:'''King Dedede''': ''(yells as he tears the drawing out of Melman's hand]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': All you lazy louts better be workin'!
:'''Chief Bookem''': Lazy?!
:'''Mayor Len''': With all due respect, we're working as hard as we can.
:'''King Dedede''': If you don't get crackin', I'm gonna have to give you all a whackin'!
:'''Escargoon''': ''[Grunts]'' We'd better air what we just have.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[the altered opening of King Dedede's new show starts playing''
:'''King Dedede''': ''[singing to the opening]'' Dedede! That's the name you should know! Dedede! He's the king of the show! You'll holler and hoot, he'll give Kirby the boot! Dedede's the one!
:'''Tiff''': ''[reacting to the new show's altered opening]'' Hey! Kirby's supposed to be the star!
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, now it's about Dedede.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Okay, guys. Get ready.
:'''Tuff''': Our lines are coming up.
:'''Meta Knight''': Tiff, I am nervous. I have never... acted before.
:'''Tiff''': Don't worry. You'll do great.
:'''Meta Knight''': Thank you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Hehehe I AM A SUPAHSTAR WARRIAH heh.
:'''Tiff''': &quot;Dedede Saves the Day&quot;? Hey, wait! Where'd that title come from?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': That cheat! Dedede made Kirby look like the bad guy!
:'''Tuff''': He must've switched stuff around while we weren't looking.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Good morning, Majesty.
:'''Dedede''': Well, if it ain't my faithful servant, Escargoon!
:'''Escargoon''': My, aren't you looking fit as a fiddle!
:'''Dedede''': You're downright spiffy yourself.
:'''Escargoon''': Have you seen Kirby today, Majesty?
:'''Dedede''': He don't scare me none!
:'''Tiff''': Those two changed my script so they look like heroes! ''[Growls]''
:'''Tuff''': If Dedede and Escargoon are heroes, this sure isn't a reality show.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': We're right behind you majesty. You're a hero to us all!
:'''King Dedede''': Oh come now. Little ol' me a hero? Surely you jestin'!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Look! It is Fire Dedede, our Hero! ''[to You]'' I would never say that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Look at that charisma!
:'''Escargoon''': Majesty, we're gonna have to ad-lib this part, we never wrote the last two pages of the script!
:'''King Dedede''': Ad-lib? YOU COULDN'T TELL ME THIS BEFORE, YOU SCATTERBRAINED ''[As he hits Escargoon with his mallet]'' SLUG?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Sigh]'' All this animation's giving me palpitation!
:'''Escargoon''': I'll never direct another cartoon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Hey, this is great!
:'''Tiff''': It's one of those shows that's so bad it's good!

== [Episode 48] Don't Bank on It ([Episode 50] 貯めるぞい! のろいの貯金箱) ==
:'''King Dedede''': Time for me to work on my hypno-doot-dooey.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''(speaking through the Dedede Dolls)'' Dedede... You like me... Dedede... You trust me...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Have you ever wondered how all that money got there in the first place?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Sleep tight. You gonna be in for a rude awakening.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Dedede is tired. I ain't gettin' no rest. If I can't sleep, then neither can you fools! WAKE UP! ''[starts psychically using his Dedede Dolls to pummel the residents of Cappy Town, laughing all the while, except for Tiff, who already locked up her own doll inside one of her drawers before going to sleep]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': That's one dangerous doll. Last night, it stomped me without any warning. Kick that thing out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Hey! Quit strangling me!
:'''Escargoon''': I'm only trying to prevent something terrible from happening to you, Sire!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': We're broke. We're right back where we've started, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': I can't afford to buy no more monsters. ''[cries]'' But I still got one doll left so's I can get my revenge!
:'''Escargoon''': I dunno. Playing with dolls can be hazardous to your health.
:'''King Dedede''': That don't matter none to me so long as I get that Kirby! ''[laughs]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Now that's embarrassing.
:'''Escargoon''': Honey, you don't know the meaning of embarrassing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': Turn into Doll Kirby!
:''[Kirby jumps up in an attempt to transform and gain the ability of the Dedede Doll he just inhaled, but falls back down, unable to gain any ability]''
:'''Tokkori''': Figures. Guess you don't have enough brains to be a doll.

== [Episode 49] Kirby Takes the Cake ([Episode 51] センチメンタル・カービィ) ==
:'''Tuff''': Hah! This is fun. I bet Kirby doesn't know a thing about his surprise party.
:'''Tiff''': Probably. He hardly knows anything.
:'''Tuff, Spikehead, Iro, &amp; Honey''': That's true.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Len''': Kirby, I didn't see you there! This is no place for you, I'm afraid.
:'''Prof. Curio''': That's right. We're busy, so, uh... Run along.
:'''Mayor Len''': Shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo. ''[Kirby begins to leave]'' Bye bye, Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief Bookem''': Oh! Sorry, Kirby. Lots to do today. Gotta apprehend a couple of donuts!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': That there's a weapon of mass Dedede-struction.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': You saw it! This whole town's revoltin'!
:'''Escargoon''': You said it!
:'''King Dedede''': They lookin' to dispossess me and tarnish the reputation of the Dedede Dynasty! Them ungrateful ingrates!
:'''Escargoon''': After all you've done to them!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[growls]'' I'll stamp out them double-crossers! How can them Cappies Dedede-throne ME?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': I saw this coming. After all, a ruler like you is loud, mean, nasty, sneaky, self-centered...''[King Dedede angrily flattens him, weakly]''...did I mention violent...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Hey there, Triple D. What up?
:'''King Dedede''': I'll tell you what's up. I need you to send me your most powerful monster!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Our most powerful monster? Sounds urgent.
:'''King Dedede''': You bet it's urgent! I'm about to become the victim of a Cappy-comb!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I think I've got one for you, but I should warn ya. He's a bit of a slippery character.
:'''King Dedede''': Whadda ya mean?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': You see, he has trouble distinguishing between friend and foe. Poor little fella gets confused sometimes. I'd wanna handle this one with care, Big D!
:'''King Dedede''': You send it over and we'll handle it real good!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': What's that? Nobody wants to play with ya? ''[bursts out laughing about what Kirby told him]'' Nobody wants to play with ya, 'cause nobody likes ya!
:'''Kirby''': ''[shocked by what Tokkori just said to him]'' POYO?!
:'''Tokkori''': Ever since you got here, you've been a pink pain in the neck. As usual, I'm the only one around here with the guts to tell you the truth! Everybody says that Kirby is nothin' but trouble. If I was you, I'd fly the coop cause you ain't welcome here, Sonny! ''[Kirby starts packing up]'' With you outta the way, things would finally get back to normal, and I could take over this cottage permanent. Booooy, wouldn't that be the day? ''[notices that Kirby's gone]'' Huh? Kirby? Where'd that boy go?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kabu''': Wait! Do not go. You are troubled, my friend, and your heart is full of sorrow. One year has passed since you came to Dream Land.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': Ah! There ya are! Hey, next time you run away, tell me where you're goin', would ya? I've been lookin' high and low for ya. Yer girlfriend's plenty steamed at me cause a' you. Come on! Get movin'! Everybody in Cappy Town's goin' crazy worryin', so come on back home!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': A whole year has passed. How quickly time flies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': I'm sorry, Kirby. We didn't play with you because we didn't want to ruin the surprise for you. We wouldn't want to hurt you for anything, Kirby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': They really outdid themselves there. I've heard of pretty girls poppin' outta cakes, but this is even better!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': That's new.
:'''Tuff''': What mode is that, Meta Knight?
:'''Meta Knight''': He is now Bomb Kirby.
:'''Tiff &amp; Tuff''': Bomb Kirby?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': You have indeed grown in many ways this year. I cannot wait to see what changes next year brings.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Happy first anniversary, Kirby. We're all very happy that you came to Dream Land. Kirby, we love you.

== [Episode 50] Air-Ride-in-Style - Part I ([Episode 96] ワープスターの危機! (前編)) ==
:'''King Dedede''': I've been real patient with you, but I want me a monster that can whup Kirby now!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I understand your disappointment, Big D, but I've been sending you top-of-the-line monsters all along.
:'''King Dedede''': Well the bottom line is, them lamos was losers!
:'''Escargoon''': That's right! His majesty may be a big fat meathead, but how many half-baked freakazoids are you gonna send me?!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[bops Escargoon]'' I'll do the complaining here.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Maybe you've been going about stopping Kirby the wrong way. Have you ever thought about-
:'''King Dedede''': I ain't interested in thinking! I know everything there is to know about catching Kirby already.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I was only going to remind your fly-ness about Kirby's secret weapon.
:'''King Dedede''': Say what?
:'''Escargoon''': Secret weapon?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''[laughs]'' I'm referring of course to Kirby's shining star; the Warp Star.
:'''King Dedede''': The Warp Star?
:'''Escargoon''': That's what that Tiff always calls out.
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah. The big ol' thing comes flying to rescue Kirby.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''[laughs again]'' See what a little thing he can do... ''[Dedede pelts his monitor with an egg, surprising him]''
:'''King Dedede''': Just kill the dip-strip and get to the point.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': As I was about to say, Sire, if Kirby didn't have the Warp Star to come to his rescue, Kirby would be easy to get rid of.
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, that's it! If we can stop the Warp Star, we can stop Kirby! Hah!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sir Ebrum''': Good day, Your Majesty.
:'''Lady Like''': You most certainly startled us.
:'''Tiff''': You better not be here for Kirby.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[laughs]'' We're not here for the little pod.
:'''King Dedede''': We here for the big mouth!
:'''Tiff''': Huh? ''[The limousine use a grab nabber to nab her]''
:'''Tuff''': You can't do that!
:'''Lady Like''': Tiff, no!
:''[Dedede and Escargoon stuff Tiff into their limo and drive away with her, they laughing]''
:'''Tuff''': ''[chases Dedede's limousine alongside Kirby, Fololo &amp; Falala]'' COME BACK!
:'''Fololo''': HEY!
:'''Tuff''': '''YOU DIRTY CROOK!!!'''
:'''Sir Ebrum''': How dare he! That blaggard has kidnapped our daughter!
:'''Lady Like''': We have to get her back somehow!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At the dungeon]''
:'''King Dedede''': Lookie here, girly. you can have yourself all of these sweety cakes and creamy puffs confidence and yo kingly ol' friend Dedede.
:'''Escargoon''': That's right, I'll you gotta do is cooperate. Here, have a cupcake.
:'''Tiff''': I wouldn't touch your cruddy cupcake. Now you better untie me and let me go right now. RIGHT NOW!
:'''Escargoon''': Oh, we'll let you go soon enough.
:'''King Dedede''': Just say the magic words!
:'''Tiff''': What magic words?
:'''Escargoon''': the one you say it whenever that pesky pinky in the pickle.
:'''Both''': Kabu.
:'''King Dedede''': Warp Star!
:''[Both laughing]''
:'''King Dedede''': Now all you gotta do is say it. And if you don't say it, we gonna keep you tied up not too tight till you do, got it?
:'''Tiff''': Hmph.
:'''Escargoon''': Yeah! Tell us where he's hidin' that Warp Star!
:'''Tiff''': I'm not gotta tell you and you two anything.
:'''Tuff''': ''[offscreen]'' Hey, Tiff!
:'''All''': Huh?
:'''Tuff''': Let's go!
:'''Tiff''': What are you doing here?
:'''Escargoon''': Look, it's the little brother to the rescue. Ain't that nauseating?
:'''King Dedede''': Get lost. We trying to find out where Kirby's Warp Star's at.
:'''Tuff''': Uh...that's easy. The Warp Star's inside Kabu.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:''[Dedede, Escargoon, and Tiff all react in shock and Tuff, having realized what he just said, covers his mouth, and then Dedede and Escargoon burst out laughing and then run off to Kabu]''
:'''Tuff''': ''[untying Tiff]'' Sorry. It just slipped out.
:'''Tiff''': Some secret keeper. ''[sighs]''
:'''Tuff''': Hurry!
:'''Tiff''': Luckily, we don't have to hurry.
:''[Kirby starts eating the food Dedede and Escargoon had out on the table while interrogating Tiff]''
:'''Tuff''': But what if they find it somehow?
:'''Tiff''': Even if Dedede and Escargoon found the Warp Star, it wouldn't do them any good.
:'''Tuff''': Huh?
:'''Tiff''': Because they don't understand the power of the Warp Star like I do.
:''[Tiff flashes back to the events of Dark and Stormy Knight, where she revealed to Meta Knight that she brought the Warp Star to Kabu to keep it safe and secret, and called upon it to aid Kirby during his fight against Kracko]''
:'''Tuff''': I remember all that, too. But I wanna know where you got the idea to hide the Warp Star inside Kabu.
:'''Tiff''': Well that was easy. I remember the first time I saw it.
:''[Tiff flashes back to when she and Prof. Curio first discovered the Warp Star's pedestal inside Kabu]''
:'''Prof. Curio''': Look! I've never seen that.
:'''Tiff''': ''[narrating]'' It was like it was made for the Warp Star. It had to stay with Kabu.
:''[flashback ends]''
:'''Tuff''': It sure is weird. ''(about the Warp Star's pedestal)'' But the Warp Star fits inside it so perfect, especially since Kabu's been around for millions of years.
:'''Tiff''': Of course it's weird. Everything about Kabu is weird.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Alright Kabu, I'm gonna ask ya one last time. Now is you or is you ain't hiding Kirby's Warp Star? ''(Kabu doesn't respond)''
:'''Escargoon''': Alright, Mr. Frozen Face, now you're gonna get it!
:'''Waddle Doo''': Attack! ''[the Waddle Dees throw their spears at Kabu, but they simply bounce off him without any effect on him]''
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon! I want that freaky tiki in jail!
:'''Escargoon''': In jail?
:'''King Dedede''': Waddle Doo! Throw Kabu in the dungeon, you hear?
:'''Waddle Doo''': Dungeon?! But Your Majesty, I don't have the Waddle Dee power. Kabu's too big to move!
:'''King Dedede''': What?
:'''Escargoon''': Believe it or not, he's heavier than you are.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[to Meta Knight]'' You're not in charge of the Warp Star. I am.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughing]'' The Wimp Star's high-tailin' it home to Kabu.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Home to Kabu? What do you mean?
:'''Escargoon''': Kabu's been hiding the Warp Star. Get with the program, pal!
:'''King Dedede''': Them pals thought they was pretty clever.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': This isn't good, D. Better cancel that Kirby farewell party. I'm afraid that Warp Star's gonna be back in tip top shape in no time.
:'''King Dedede and Escargoon''': ''[In horrorified]'' Huh?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Kabu's sort of a hospital for Warp Stars and wounded Star Warriors... Like a big recovery room.
:'''King Dedede &amp; Escargoon''': '''''RECOVERY?!?!?!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Kabu, what are we gonna do? The Warp Star's damaged.
:'''Kabu''': The Warp Star will need time to recover.
:'''Kirby''': ''[sadly]'' Po-poyo, po...
:'''Tiff''': Kirby, Kabu says the Warp Star's tired right now. The only thing we can do is wait for the Warp Star to get better again.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo...

== [Episode 51] Air-Ride-in-Style - Part II ([Episode 97] ワープスターの危機! (後編))==
:'''Escargoon''': ''[after watching the Formula Star Rider's defeat]'' I'd say that guy's a formula for disaster.
:'''King Dedede''': I ain't worried none. We still got three more left here. ''[laughing]'' Kirby just got lucky that time, that's all.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, what's he slurpin' up all that water for?
:'''Escargoon''': Maybe he ate somethin' salty.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kirby has defeated the Rocket Star Air Rider]''
:'''Tuff''': Yeah!
:'''Tiff''': They might be faster, but Kirby's way smarter.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[after having watched the Winged Star Rider's defeat and angrily growls]'' These Air Riders is a bust. Whatcha givin' me?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Hold on there, gents. After all, the show's not over yet, is it?
:'''Escargoon''': No, but it better have an unhappy ending.
:'''King Dedede''': This last one better do the trick or you in trouble here!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': You'll see that Shadow Star's the grand finale.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[about the Winged Star]'' Wow, Kirby really knows how to fly that thing!
:'''Meta Knight''': A Star Warrior can fly anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': How'd we get inside Kabu? What happened?
:'''Tuff''': Don't you remember? You and Kirby were flying on the Warp Star and you fell off.
:''[Tiff remembers when a blast from a Destraya chipped off a piece of Kirby's Warp Star and knocked both of them off]''
:'''Tuff''': We were kind of worried. You and Kirby have been knocked out ever since.
:'''Tiff''': But what about the flying fighters that were after Kirby?
:'''Tuff''': What flying fighters?
:'''Tiff''': What do you mean what flying fighters?
:'''Tuff''': There weren't any fighters. We've all been inside waiting for you guys to wake up.
:'''Meta Knight''': Tiff, did you really see them?
:'''Tiff''': I'm telling you, I saw them, Meta Knight. You don't think I'd lie, do you?
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''Kabu''': No, Tiff. It was all a dream. A dream that only you and Kirby dreamt.
:'''Tiff''': I don't understand.
:'''Kabu''': Tiff, I sent you and Kirby that dream. I have learned from others like me that eNeMeE has been stealing Air Ride Machines throughout the universe.
:'''Tiff''': But I still don't understand why you would send that dream to Kirby and me.
:'''Kabu''': Kirby must learn to fly not just Warp Stars, but other battle vehicles as well.
:'''Tiff''': Well you should be proud of him. Kirby flew those things like a pro.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Well, it seems Kirby and his Warp Star aren't invincible after all.
:'''Nightmare''': It's only a matter of time before the Warp Star will be ours for the taking. ''[laughs evilly]''

== [Episode 52] Scare Tactics - Part I ([Episode 45] 真夏の夜のユーレイ! (前編))==
:'''Tiff''': ''[to Kirby]'' It must be real hard to play soccer when you're always mistaken for the ball.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': ''[laughs heartily]'' How's that? You saw an actual ghost?
:'''Chief Bookem''': From the scream she let out, I'd have to say you're right, Mayor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuggle''': What good's being a kid if you don't have nightmares once in a while?

== [Episode 53] Scare Tactics - Part II ([Episode 46] 真夏の夜のユーレイ! (後編))==
:'''Meta Knight''': I sense a dangerous force at work here. It must be eNeMeE.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Uh-oh. Escargoon? Yo! You okay? I done mistook you for a ghost!
:'''Escargoon''': ...How many ghosts take showers?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I was about to rid your kingdom of Kirby once and for all, and you two nearly spoiled it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': This little bonehead's a real shocker!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirby''': Zzzzzzzzz....

== [Episode 54] One Crazy Knight ([Episode 54] やりすぎの騎士! キハーノ)==
:'''Sir Gallant''': Greetings, peasants! I am Sir Gallant, and I have been greatly moved by your plight and by the courage that you have shown in the face of such monstrous enslavement. But fear not. The end of your oppression is at hand!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sir Gallant''': ''[to Windwhipper]'' So, we meet again. You bested me last time, but this time I will prevail!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mabel''': It is up to you to fight for justice everywhere.

== [Episode 55] Sweet &amp; Sour Puss ([Episode 55] ある愛のデデデ)==
:''[In the morning, at the Castle]''
:'''Escargoon''': Dedede's a rotten boss to work for. That I can't deny. He yells and screams and criticizes, no matter how I try. I deserve a raise, but the king refuses. All I ever get are bumps and bruises! He's a grouch. He's a grump. But I stay. Maybe I'll be king one day.
:''[King Dedede suddenly looms over Escargoon, but something about the former seems different; he's acting much nicer and more patient than normal]''
:'''King Dedede''': So, I'm a grouch and a grump and a rotten boss, huh?
:'''Escargoon''': ''[Blushes, nervously]'' I wasn't talking about you. It was a different tyrant.
:'''King Dedede''': That's okay.
:'''Escargoon''': Ah! ''[Exclaims]'' Look out! ''[He accidentally dumps the roses with a vase on King Dedede and whimpering. Dedede pull the vase off his head, Escargoon dreaming about to get clobbered by Dedede]'' Please don't clobber me.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Chuckles]'' I sure won't.
:'''Escargoon''': Huh? You mean you're not gonna mash me with your mallet?
:'''King Dedede''': No, I forgive you.
:'''Escargoon''': Huh? You do? I wonder if I still dreaming. ''[thuds and Dedede walks away]'' He's acting like he traded personalities with a teddy bear. Must be a ruse to get my guard down. ''[Dedede returns with a mop]'' I knew it! ''[Dedede cleans up the mess on the floor with the mop]'' Huh? ''[Dedede still cleaning]'' You can't trick me by pretending that you're not angry. I know you're planning to mop the floor with me.
:'''King Dedede''': I ain't angry with you.
:'''Escargoon''': Please don't torture me this way!!
:'''King Dedede''': Let's let bygones be bygones!
:'''Escargoon''': It's hard to believe but, maybe he means it. ''[exclaims in happily]'' Sire!
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[He grabs the mop from Dedede]'' There's no way I'm falling for that gag. You fooled me too many times. ''[He pushes Dedede causing him to accidentally step on a rose thorn and then cause the vase to crash onto his head]'' Oh boy! I'm in for in now!
:'''King Dedede''': Why'd you push me?
:'''Escargoon''': ''[Whimpers]'' I'm sorry!
:'''King Dedede''': That's okay.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[screams in shocked and Dedede luaghs]'' That's it! I give you! Sire, please stop acting like you don't want to get even with me? ''[cries]''
:'''King Dedede''': I just want us to be friends.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[screams in horrified]'' OH NO!!! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!!! ''[laughs in horrified]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': That Dr. Yabui is full of hooey!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Why can't we all just be friends?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': This hallway needs a traffic light.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Isn't anybody normal around here?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Togeira, inside his head, has just stored enough of his anger and now unleashes it into an explosive flaming rage from within him, causing him to let loose a rage-filled roar to everyone's horror while causing Escargoon whimpering at the same time]'' &lt;big&gt;'''Now it's payback time!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Tuff''': No more Mr. Nice Guy.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo! Po, poy!
:'''Tiff''': He's back to his old self.
:'''Meta Knight''': No, the monster is still controlling him.
:'''King Dedede''': &lt;big&gt;'''Alright Escargoon, who's been beating on me!?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[yells in panic, then laughs nervously and afterwards throws Dedede's hammer to Kirby]'' Uh, Kirby!
:'''Kirby''': Poy! ''[Dedede grabs his hammer back from him]'' Po, poyo? Po...
:'''King Dedede''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''WELL NOW I'M GONNA POUND YOU 'TIL YOU'RE FLAT AS A FLAPPYJACK!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Whoa, that monster's super mad!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kirby and friends laugh at each other]''
:'''Kirby''': Poyo, poyo! Poyo, poyo!

== [Episode 56] Dedede's Pet Threat ([Episode 56] わがままペットスカーフィ) ==
:'''King Dedede''': Aww... Ain't my new Scarfy-poos sweet, Escargoonie-goon?
:'''Escargoon''': Yeah, I suppose they're kind of sweet. The kind of sweet that makes you barf.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': What's the matter? Ain't I tasty enough?

== [Episode 57] A Half-Baked Battle ([Episode 57 パイを笑う者はパイに泣くぞい!) ==
:'''Kirby''': Hahahahahahaha! ''[laughs at King Dedede]''
:'''Tokkori''': HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!
:'''Escargoon''': Get a load of that!
:'''Buttercup &amp; Chief Bookem''': HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
:'''Escargoon''': Let's show an instant replay! ''[laughs]''
:'''Prof. Curio''': HOHOHOHAHAHA!!!!!
:'''Escargoon''': Here it is from another angle! ''[laughs]''
:'''Tuggle &amp; Gus''': HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
:'''Escargoon''': ''[Laughs even harder]''
:'''Chef Kawasaki, Gengu &amp; 2 Other Cappies''': HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
:'''Escargoon''': I gotta see this again! Roll it in slow-mo this time! ''[A slow-mo of King Dedede getting hit by the pie is shown on TV, laughs]''
:'''Iro &amp; His Parents''': HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dedede''': I'm through with that chef show! I want some good grub and all I get is a pie in the eye!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dedede''': ''[overhears Tiff's family laughing at him getting hit with a pie]'' Hey, what's so funny? ''[the family stops laughing for a few seconds, and then starts laughing again]''
:'''Sir Ebrum''': You're quite the comedian, your majesty!
:'''Tiff''': A cream pie in the face... now that's a classic! ''[She and Sir Ebrum start laughing again while Dedede growls angrily]''
:'''Escargoon''': Slowing down the tape for a moment, we clearly see the stunned expression on the king's face as he is unexpectedly pie-pummeled. ''[laughs at the repeats twice]''
:'''Lady Like''': You also made my family scream many times in the past, your majesty. But now it's screaming with laughter!
:'''Tuff''': It's funnier every time they show it! ''[Dedede growls again before running out of the living room]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dedede''': I'm replacing it with a brand new show. It's one of them reality programs... called Pie Justice!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Dedede! Pie throwing isn't just a waste of time. It's also a waste of food! You should be ashamed of yourself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Here's a little get well present for ya, D-Man! We heard you had a serious case of pie-arrhea!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Now listen up! His Highness is declaring a new law!
:'''King Dedede''': From now on, anybody in this here kingdom who says the word &quot;poyo&quot; is gonna be found guilty of treason!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo?
:'''King Dedede''': AH! Y'all heard that trash-talkin' traitor!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Why don't you suck it up!? ''[tastes the custard]'' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''UUUUUGGGHHH!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Bellybuster must make his pies in a barber shop. They taste like shaving cream, except worse.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Kirby, suck it up!
:'''Kirby''': ''[covers his mouth and shakes his head no]''
:'''Tiff''': ''[gasps]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Not even Kirby could eat anything that bad.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Somebody cooks worse than me! ''[laughs heartily]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': I feel... dirty. ''[Sigh]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Here comes the custard!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': What's happening?!
:'''Meta Knight''': Bellybuster has swallowed them and they will now be... digested.
:'''Tiff''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''NO!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

== [Episode 58] eNeMeE Elementary ([Episode 58] 魔獣教師でお仕置きよ!)==
:'''Tuff''': ''[Singing]'' When old King Dedede came to town, he got off his throne and his pants fell down.
:'''Spikehead''': ''[Singing]'' He thinks he's a king, but he's really a clown.
:'''Honey''': ''[Singing]'' When Dedede came to town!
:'''Tuff, Iro, Spikehead &amp; Honey''': ''[Singing]'' When old King Dedede starts to roar, he never heard anything like it before.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo, Poyo!
:'''Tuff, Iro, Spikehead &amp; Honey''': ''[Singing]'' Unless of course, you heard him snore, then Dedede starts to roar! ''[Laughing]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escagoon''': ''[Laughing]'' That's you, sire.
:'''King Dedede''': They're making a monkey out of me!
:'''Escargoon''': Oh, you've got to admit, it is pretty funny, sire. ''(laughing again)'' Huh? ''(sees his own drawing)'' I'll sue those little punks!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': How come we have to wear these goofy-looking robes?
:'''King Dedede''': 'Cause I'm the one selling them, that's why!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Must be the spirit of creativitude taking over!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[being possessed by the demon hat]'' Listen up you rowdy bunch of hooligans! ''[To Kirby]'' If you think you can get away with that kind of behavior in my class, [[w:You've Got Another Thing Comin'|You've Got Another Thing Comin'!]]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Cries]'' Them ruffians ain't never gonna learn no manners! ''[Cries Again]''

== [Episode 59] The Meal Moocher ([Episode 59] 最強番組, 直撃! 晩ごはん) ==
:'''King Dedede''': ''[He starts to shake and hold the menu in the air, everyone backs away as he tears the menu in half]'' I WANT NEW FOOD AND I WANT IT NOW!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hana''': ''[to Kirby]'' You came just in time! I'm about to serve dinner. Would you like to come join us?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Just look at 'im! That pink pan-handler hustled three dinners out of those Cappies in one night!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sir Ebrum''': ''[about the idea of winning money through a meal]'' That's interesting.
:'''Lady Like''': It would be nice to win that money.
:'''Sir Ebrum''': Oh dear, we're above that sort of thing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughing]'' Just remember, I like king-sized portions!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Buttercup''': Oh, we'll begin with the miso soup! It's from an old Japanese recipe I found. The second course will be sushi! There are twelve different varieties! We also have a medley of spring vegetables - many from outside Dream Land - all steamed to perfection and sprinkled with the special egg soy sauce! Next, comes a new dish I just invented: turkey tempura! There's also a special treat: broiled eel and onions! Those are just the appetizers! Now, for the main course!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[his thinking-voice]'' This is trouble. I gotta stop the king from giving them a five-star rating, or our bank accounts is going belly-up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Buttercup''': My crab has been sabotaged! I demand to see an instant replay just before the main course!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[he grabs Escargoon's goatee]'' '''HEY!''' What's the idea torchin' my tongue!?
:'''Escargoon''': Sorry, Sire. But I had to act quick cause you can't afford to pay out any more prize money!
:'''King Dedede''': Let's see how you like you red pepper, You double-dealin' spice sneakin' slug, here!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I done decided that I don't feel like dinin' on crab no more. 'Specially when it's bigger than me. But you can go on ahead and eat it yourself if you want to.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Not even Kirby gets hungry enough to gobble up a giant monster for dinner. ''[laughs with everybody until Kirby gets ready to inhale the crab he just cooked, much to their shock]'' Kirby! &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''NOOO!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

== [Episode 60] Crusade for the Blade ([Episode 60] 宝剣ギャラクシア!) ==
:'''King Dedede''': ''[yawns]'' I ain't seen no flyin' saucers here. I just wanna go back to bed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sirica''': 	Meta Knight!
:''[Meta Knight looks up to see Sirica on a level higher than the one he's standing on]''
:'''Sirica''': It's been a very long time.
:'''Meta Knight''': You speak as though we have met. Have we?
:'''Sirica''': So you don't remember? My mother was the Star Warrior Garlude!
:''[Meta Knight gasps in realization that Sirica is Garlude's daughter, just before Sirica starts opening fire on him and his knights with her machine gun]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Who are you?
:'''Sirica''': My name is Sirica.
:'''Tiff''': Why are you after Meta Knight?
:'''Sirica''': He has something that is very precious to me. His sword: Galaxia.
:'''Tiff''': Galaxia?
:'''Tuff''': You mean Meta Knight's sword has a name?
:'''Kirby''': Poyo?
:'''Tiff''': This is ridiculous! Meta Knight's a great Star Warrior, not a thief like you.
:'''Sirica''': Hmph. Meta Knight inspires great loyalty, for someone so heartless.
:''[Kirby and the kids gasp at what Sirica just said]''
:'''Tuff''': What do you mean?!
:'''Sirica''': Your friend Meta Knight was an enemy of my mother. ''[begins flashback, in her mind]'' It was many many, years ago. My mother Garlude was considered the greatest of all Star Warriors. She and Meta Knight had been chosen among many noble warriors to reclaim the sacred sword, Galaxia, which had been stolen by the evil beast: Kirisakin. They began to battle the great monster. Both were brave and fought valiantly, but in the end, the beast proved too strong for Garlude. Just as she was reclaiming the sword, she was overpowered! Meta Knight stood and watched as my mother lost the battle. He stole the sword and fled, leaving my mother to perish... alone. ''[ends flashback]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': She's a little girl with a big ol' gun and a whole lot of attitude!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Very interesting. Well, if this space girl's as tough as you say she is, then I better send over the &quot;big guy&quot;. ''[sends Kirisakin to King Dedede and Escargoon as it roars and clashes its two scythes over its head]''
:'''King Dedede''': Now that's a monster!	
:'''Escargoon''': Ugh... I think I'm gonna faint.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sirica''': That sword is mine! Now you will pay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sirica''': ''[having heard a familiar lion-esque roar and seen Kirisakin making its way to Kabu]'' This can't be... it's Kirisakin, the great monster.
:'''Meta Knight''': Kirisakin is here to reclaim the Galaxia sword. We must stop it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Galaxia''': ''[after Sirica tries to pry it from the ground a second time]'' My name is Galaxia. Only the most powerful of knights may wield my ancient magic. Meta Knight is the chosen one. Your mother Garlude knew well this truth. ''[begins flashback to how Garlude sacrificed herself to deliver Galaxia to Meta Knight]'' In sacrificing her life, Garlude made the ultimate sacrifice.
:''[Garlude manages to pry Galaxia from its pedestal and throws it to Meta Knight before Kirisakin delivers the killing blow to her from behind. Meta Knight claims Galaxia and leaps at Kirisakin to fight it. End flashback]''
:'''Sirica''': If my mother gave my life for this, I shall too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sirica''': Galaxia... Now I know what a great Star Warrior my mother was to the very end.
:'''Meta Knight''': Sirica. Your mother would have been so proud.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Wow, Meta Knight! She was a great warrior.

== [Episode 61] Fitness Fiend ([Episode 61] 肥惨! スナックジャンキー)==
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Surrounded by potato chip bags]'' Y'know, there's jus' somthin' about sittin' in front o' the TV all day long that gives me the nibblies!
:'''Escargoon''': Just look at this mess! Where do you expect me to put all these soggy sacks?
:'''King Dedede''': This looks like a good place! ''[Shoves an empty bag onto Escargoon's head]''
:'''Escargoon''': You know, you're a real couch potato. You're as big as a couch and you're full of potatoes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': He has fallen, and cannot get up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Hey, what up, D?
:'''King Dedede''': Zip yer layer!
:'''Escargoon''': Your chips made his majesty a travesty!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': It's not our fault he can't control his appetite! We made those snacks to fatten up Kirby, not you, sire.
:'''King Dedede''': Why'd ya have to go and make 'em so delicious?! Nobody can resist those things! THEY'S TOO DANG TASTY!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Max Flexer''': Treadmills are a lot of fun. You'll survive 'em if you run! Get it going really fast, or this race will be your last!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': If fit is in, I'm out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[after Kirby has transformed into Mike Kirby]'' Oh no! I forgot how terrible Microphone Kirby's singing is!

== [Episode 62] Mabel Turns the Tables ([Episode 62] たかが占いされど占い) ==
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': ''[about Curio's fortune]'' He must have picked the stone! NO!!

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:'''Tiff''': I know what you're doing. Samo, you should be ashamed of yourself!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lady Like''': My husband's prime minister!
:'''Escargoon''': Your husband's unemployed, [[w:Blondie (band)|Blondie]]!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': I suppose the royal golf course is a bust?
:'''Mabel''': You said it, not I.

== [Episode 63] Something to Sneeze At ([Episode 63] 師走のカゼはつらいぞい!)==
:'''Escargoon''': Ah...ah...ah...ah...AH-CHOO!!!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[grunts]'' You sprayed me! Now what was that for!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': HEY, YOU, META KNIGHT! Whadda' you know about all the sneezin' and wheezin' that's goin' round' here?
:'''Meta Knight''': ''[Coughs and Runs off]''
:'''King Dedede''': Even Meta Knight got a cold!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirby''': Ahh..ahh.ahhhh.... CHOO!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I turned myself into an ice cube and I still ain't sick. What am I doing wrong!?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Maybe you're too warm-hearted.

== [Episode 64] The Kirby Quiz ([Episode 64] 新春! カービィ・クイズショー )==
:'''King Dedede''': Here it is! A spankin' new year. Who knows? Maybe this year, I'll turn over a new leaf and treat folks more nice-like.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Greetings, and Happy New Year from all your friends at Nightmare Enterprises! I'll be hosting tonight's Kirby Quiz and I just know we're going to have a rockin' good time!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Honey''': I think it was Stone Kirby.
:'''Mabel''': I think you are right. ''[presses button]''
:'''Tokkori''': What's the answer?
:'''Tuff''': It was Fire Kirby. ''[presses button]''
:'''Samo''': I don't recall.
:'''Kawasaki''': I'll take a wild guess. ''[presses button, answering &quot;Needle&quot;]''
:'''Tiff''': That's easy. It was Fire Kirby, remember?
:'''Kirby''': ''[pressing button]'' Fire!
:'''Escargoon''': It was Fire Kirby for sure.
:'''King Dedede''': Haha! Stone Kirby! ''[presses button]''
:''[Escargoon gasps]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': This tough cookie fought against Kirby only to become a great hero. What was his name?
:'''Mabel and Honey''': Knuckle Joe! ''[presses button]''
:'''Samo and Kawasaki''': Knuckle Joe! ''[presses button]''
:'''Tiff and Kirby''': Knuckle Joe! ''[presses button]''
:'''Tuff and Tokkori''': Knuckle Joe! ''[presses button]''
:'''Escargoon''': Knuckle Joe!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[presses button]'' DEDEDE!
:''[Audience breaks out laughing]''
:'''Escargoon''': I had the right answer!
:'''King Dedede''': Guess my hands must have slipped or something.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff and Tokkori''': Spin Kick! ''[Tokkori presses button]''
:'''King Dedede and Escargoon''': Who cares, anyway?
:''[The entire audience breaks out laughing]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Well, it's starting to look like a Happy New Year already.

== [Episode 65] Masher 2.0 ([Episode 65] 逃げてきたナックルジョー) ==
:'''Lady Like''': ''[sees Tuff's soccer ball]'' Tuff, you know better. Take this ball outside.
:'''Tuff''': ''[about the outside storm]'' Out there? ''[cue booming thunder sounds, startling Kirby and the kids]''
:'''Sir Ebrum''': The weather's taken a nasty turn.
:'''Tiff''': I've never seen lightning this bad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Knuckle Joe''': I ain't sure how, but Masher's been rebuilt. And now it's out for revenge.

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:'''Knuckle Joe''': ''[to Masher 2.0]'' You're a lot stronger than me, that's for sure. But you've sure got a bucket of bolts for a brain! ''[Masher approaches]'' Get ready to rock! ''[punches the rock he's standing on, causing it to shatter]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[to King Dedede]'' Socked by a soccer ball. Your first sports injury!

== [Episode 66] The Chill Factor ([Episode 66] さまよえるペンギー) ==
:'''Pengy''': It is the Pengys' fate to wander far and wide. We are very weary but happy to have stumbled upon your chilly village. We would like to rest here for a while if you will have us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kirby and the kids have found a giant air conditioner that's been spewing cold air into the sky, discovering the source of the second wave of Winter weather in Dream Land]''
:'''Tuff''': Hey Tiff, what is that thing?
:'''Kirby''': Poyo?
:'''Tiff''': Now it all makes sense.
:'''Tuff &amp; Kirby''': Huh?
:'''Tiff''': The Pengy tribe brought this here on purpose, and it's so powerful that it turned our summer into winter.
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, but why?
:'''Kirby''': Poyo...
:''[suddenly, the trio hears a familiar voice. It's Pengy]''
:'''Pengy''': So, it looks as though our young friends have discovered our secret. ''[laughs as the trio turns around to see him and his guards ambush them and surround them with their spears]''
:'''Tiff''': Pengy!
:'''Tuff''': ''[gasps in horror]''
:'''Kirby''': Poyo!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pengy''': Your reign is through, King Dede-dumb!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pengy''': More ice. How thoughtful of you, Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirby''': ''[Singing]'' Payao puh poyo pay ya pa poyo poyo payo pay, poyo!

== [Episode 67] The School Scam ([Episode 67] 魔獣教師2) ==
:'''Kirk''': I sure hope our new school's built better than this dump!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Smirk''': There ain't no one to stop us, so we can teach all we want!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': ''[as Tiff enters the classroom]'' What are you doing here?
:'''Dirk''': You got expelled from school.
:'''Smirk''': And we did the expellin'.
:'''Tiff''': I'm taking charge here and you're taking a hike. ''[Kirby, Tuff, and the Cappy kids are surprised]''
:'''Dirk''': You don't count so good for a math teacher.
:'''Kirk''': It's three against one!
:'''Tiff''': True... But I've got one brain and you three bullies haven't gotten any.
:'''Smirk''': Then let's have a toughness test!
:'''Tiff''': That's fine with me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%/&gt;
:'''Smirk''': You ain't such a bad brawler for a teacher. Too bad I gotta clobber ya.
:'''Tiff''': I hope you like to travel, because I'm gonna send you packing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': YAY!!!
:'''Tokkori''': HOORAY!!!
:'''Kirby''': POYO!!!
:'''Kirby, Tuff, and the Cappy kids''': ''[cheering]''
:'''Tiff''': No!
:''[Kirby, Tuff, and the Cappy kids gasp]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Maybe... but teachers are supposed to solve problems with their heads, not their hands. I wish I could figure out a way to reach even those three guys. To help them see learning's really interesting. When you goof off in school, you could be missing something really great and never even realize it. The most important job of the teacher is to help your students want to learn. It's really sad when you don't succeed. There are so many great things to discover in this world. School gives you the tools that can help you learn. But the most important tool of all is the curiosity inside us. Promise me that you guys will never give up trying to learn new things. Promise! That's... all, I guess.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''MT2''': Here we come, Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Aaah! School's out!
:'''Escargoon''': We failed again!
:'''King Dedede''': There's always next semester!

== [Episode 68] Delivery Dilemma ([Episode 68] 勝ち抜け! デリバリー時代) ==
:'''Tuff''': ''[brings out a nice hot bowl of ramen]'' Here, nice hot noodles.
:'''King Dedede''': Hot... noodles...? ''[steps closer to Tuff, laughing all the while, while quickly recovering from his red eyes of sleeplessness]'' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''THEY'S FINALLY HERE!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Thanks, kid. ''(takes the bowl of ramen before Dedede can grab it)''
:'''King Dedede''': Huh? ''[sees Escargoon eating the ramen and grabs him]'' You no-good noodle-nabber! ''[swipes the ramen bowl]''
:'''Escargoon''': ''[swipes his ramen bowl back]'' Hands off! I just ordered these for myself.
:'''King Dedede''': What's that?!
:'''Tuff''': That's right. He called 10 minutes ago.
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah? Well I ordered me a big bowl of noodles yesterday. ''[releases Escargoon]'' I thought mine got here first.
:'''Tuff''': Uh oh. I guess Kirby goofed up after all. Uh, be right back with your order! ''[runs off back to Restaurant Kawasaki]''
:'''King Dedede''': ''[angrily growls]'' I should've known it was Kirby, that nasty little pasta poacher! I'm gonna get me my own delivery dude so there ain't no more mess-up!

== [Episode 69] Trick or Trek ([Episode 69] ウィスピーの森のエコツアー)==
:'''Whispy Woods''': I will protect you for as long as I am able.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': We have to make sure they see our smoke signal.
:'''King Dedede''': This oughtta do the trick.
:''[suddenly, the fire they placed bursts into an even bigger one to their surprise, causing the nearby trees to catch fire much to Escargoon's shock]''
:'''Escargoon''': Ah! The whole forest could catch on fire.
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, great idea!
:'''Escargoon''': Huh?
:'''King Dedede''': We gotta clear out Whispy Woods for my golf course and this is the quick, easy way!
:'''Escargoon''': ''[smiles delightfully in response to Dedede's voiced idea]'' Your blazin' new trail, Sire!
:'''King Dedede''': And afterwards, there's gonna be a lotta charcoal 'round a useful barbecuein'!
:'''Escargoon''': Let's go! Before we get cooked... ''[he and Dedede are scared off by the flames, which have now grown bigger and are spreading quickly through the forest, causing a huge forest fire]''

== [Episode 70] Buccaneer Birdy ([Episode 70] トッコリ卿の伝説)==
:'''Tokkori''': So now we know I'm a noble. *chews* Guess I'll live with ya here at the castle, huh? *chews* I don't- *gulps* -mind. *chews* But I warn ya, I can't stand loud snorin' when I'm tryin' to sleep. I bet Blue Boy here snores even louder than Kirby, so ya better keep it quiet or you're gone!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Quit stallin' and hand over Tokkori's treasure now!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo!
:'''Escargoon''': That birdseed brain's out of luck. The king and I are goin' fifty-fifty!
:'''King Dedede''': Fool. I used it all to buy myself more monsters!
:'''Escargoon''': But sire...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': I guess Tokkori will always be Tokkori after all.

== [Episode 71] A Whale of a Tale ([Episode 71] 密着! ホエール・ウォッチング)==
:'''Kine''': SUSHI!?!?
:'''Kirby''': Sushi poyo!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': HEY!
:'''Tiff''': What's wrong?
:'''Tuff''': We saw what you're hiding down there. Nets and harpoons and stuff for catching whales!
:'''Kirby''': ''[angrily]'' Poyo!
:'''Tiff''': For catching whales?!
:'''King Dedede''': Aww. Guess we've been found out. Escargoon?
:'''Escargoon''': Aye aye, Sire. ''[presses a button and Dedede's boat reveals its true form as a whaling ship]''
:'''Tiff''': This isn't a tour boat. It's a whaling ship!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughing]'' Time to start whaling!

== [Episode 72] Waddle While You Work ([Episode 72] ワドルディ売ります) ==
:'''Tiff''': That's just horrible!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': What is?
:'''Tiff''': Taking advantage of those poor things!
:'''Curio''': Would you all rather they work for Dedede?
:'''Tiff''': Uh, well...
:'''Tuff''': Hey, Tiff, we never thought about that.
:'''Gengu''': After all, it's not as if we don't treat 'em right!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': This is hopeless.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waddle Doo''': Your Highness! Let go of the boy!
:'''Tiff''': He wants Dyna Chick for his dinner!
:'''King Dedede''': That's right, and I ain't givin' up this here bird no way no how!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I'll get you, Kirby! That's the last time you steal my dinner! YOU CHICKEN THIEF!

== [Episode 73] Dedede's Raw Deal ([Episode 73] まわれ! 回転寿司)==
:'''King Dedede''': This grub tastes grubby.
:'''Escargoon''': Ugh. If you eat fast, you won't notice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Your Majesty, I could use some financial help.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughs]'' I bet you want a loan!
:'''Escargoon''': That's an even riskier proposition than eating your food.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Why you? How dare you question His Majesty's integrity!? Why, he's as honest as the day is dark!
:'''Tiff''' &amp; '''Tuff''': Huh?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': This isn't news, it's a commerci- ''[hiccups and covers her mouth]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': This sushi monster's gonna clobber Kirby!
:'''Escargoon''': Yeah. It sure is well-armed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Kirby, listen up! ''[Kirby hiccups]'' If you don't get rid of those hiccups, you'll never be able to eat again!
:'''Kirby''': ''[Freaking Out]'' POYO!!!!! ''[Jumps and spins around to freshen up and his hiccups are gone]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Look, sire. it's raining calamari!
:'''King Dedede''': Great. I'm bankrupted in all I got is a lifetime supply of squid.
:'''Escargoon''': We're broke now. What do we do?
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': That's easy. We can use this with to make sushi. Right?
:''[Dedede and Escargoon crying]''

== [Episode 74] Caterpillar Thriller ([Episode 74] モスガバーの逆襲!) ==
:'''Escargoon''': Get it, Kirby! I can't take these sinus allergies anymore. ''[sneezes]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Island Sisters''': Mosugaba truly wants to live in peace. It is only attacking to set us free. But we can sing to Mosugaba to calm him down.

== [Episode 75] Fossil Fools - Part I ([Episode 75] 夢の恐竜天国! (前編)) ==
:'''King Dedede''': WHERE ALL THE DINOSAURS AT?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[reading Dedede's book about dinosaurs]'' Lots of folks say that dinosaurs is extunct, but I say the proof is in the pictures.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[screams]'' Look at that thing!
:'''King Dedede''': Looks kinda familiar!

== [Episode 76] Fossil Fools - Part II ([Episode 76] 夢の恐竜天国! (後編))==
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughs]'' Escarsaurus sure is a dino wimp, I'd say.
:'''Escargoon''': Give him all you've got, Escarsaurus! Tackle that tub of lard!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Buttercup''': ''[to Chief Bookem]'' That dinosaur has your face!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mabel''': Something about that dinosaur looks familiar.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mabel''': Have I gone mad, Samo, or did those dinosaurs look just like you and me?
:'''Samo''': They did indeed. But I must admit, I find you much prettier.
:'''Mabel''': I hope so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': That dinosaur looks just like me!
:'''Tuff''': She even has your personality!

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:'''Kirby''': Yaaaiie suikaa poyoo!

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:'''Doctor Moro''': It would be foolish to destroy my laboratory.

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:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Hey, he looks just like me!
:'''Tuff''': It's a Kawasakisaurus!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Doctor Moro''': Thanks to your invaluable tip, Tiff, I have achieved what I believe to be my greatest creation. By using Star Warrior DNA, I have created the ULTIMATE MONSTER!! ''[evilly laughs and turns into a monster]''

== [Episode 77] Dedede's Monsterpiece ([Episode 77] ロイヤルアカデデデミー) ==
:'''King Dedede''': ''[points to a huge, cross-eyed version of himself]'' Right here, that's me. Since I'm what you'd call the star of this here paintin', I'm smack-dab in the middle! You'll note the perspecticles, and I put a big old impressionistic Sun ''[a red circle with lines coming off it]'' up there, see? ''[Points to his small castle, and a huge misshapen-looking Escargoon next to it]'' Right there is my castle, and right next to it is Escargoon. Note the lack of depth. ''[points to an awkwardly-angled version of Mayor Len Blustergas with noodle arms and two giant angry Pac-Man-like sheep behind him]'' This here's the Mayor being chased by his sheep. ''[points to a misshapen Kirby in the corner of the painting]'' And this here's Kirby. He's being chased by me! See, I drawed him all lumpy to express his inner lumpiness!
:'''Kirby''': ''[angrily hopping up and down]'' POYO! &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''POYOOOO!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

== [Episode 78] Right Hand Robot ([Episode 78] 発進! エスカルゴン・ロボ) ==
:'''King Dedede''': You must be cleaning this castle with your eye-shut. It's filthy! ''[He blows the dust at Escargoon]''
:'''Escargoon''': ''[coughing]'' I dust this dump every day! I can't be a full-time housekeeper and a full-time lackey.
:'''King Dedede''': Well, you better find a way you out of here.
:'''Escargoon''': But sire, I need this rotten job.
:'''King Dedede''': It's time for my massage.
:''[Escargoon massaging Dedede on a back, grunting]''
:'''King Dedede''': Quit wimpin' out. Pull a little muscle into.
:'''Escargoon''': How's this?
:'''King Dedede''': LOUSY! This is how you give a massage!
:'''Escargoon''': ''[screaming as Dedede stretching his arms ]'' Uncle! ''[thuds]'' That wasn't too relaxing.
:'''King Dedede''': Guess I'll have to pull harder next time. ''[laying down on a beach lounge chair]'' Fetch me a toothpick and my monster catalogue.
:''[Escargoon scowls]''
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Being serious]'' What you waiting for!?
:'''Escargoon''': Sorry, Sire. ''[He scurried]''
:'''King Dedede''': My monster catalogue.
:'''Escargoon''': Ugh. I've forgot. ''[He scurried again]''
:'''King Dedede''': Magnifying glasses.
:'''Escargoon''': Sorry, Sire. ''[He scurried once again]'' Here.
:'''King Dedede''': I want me a cup of tea. 
:'''Escargoon''': ''[He scurried again once more]'' Yes, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': Too cold.
:'''Escargoon''': Right. ''[He keep scurried]''
:'''King Dedede''': Too hot.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[He scurried slowly, panting]'' The king's running me ragged here. I wish he'd give me sometime off to take a trip. ''[He tripped on a carpet as the cup of tea spilled on his head, screamed in pain]'' Hotty! Hotty! Hotty! Hotty!
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon!
:'''Escargoon''': His Highness does care about me. Oh, Si..''[Getting hitted by Dedede's mallet]''
:'''King Dedede''': You spilled tea on my carpet!
:'''Escargoon''': But Sire, I'm bound to make mistakes when you overwork me and don't give me a break.
:'''King Dedede''': Well if you fooled up again I'll give you plenty of breaks from head to toe.
:'''Escargoon''': Hmph! You snail-driver! I'm tired of being harassed, tired of being insulted, and tired of being tired!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon! This your pea-brained idea of a joke?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escar-Droid''': MUST. CRUSH. KIRBY.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': I'll get you this time, Kirby!
:'''Meta Knight''': No, you won't! ''[slides into Escargoon and sends him flying into a tree]''

== [Episode 79] Goin' Bonkers ([Episode 79] ボンカースあらわる!) ==
:'''Bonkers''': Look for him.
:'''Mabel''': You want me to tell you Kirby's future?
:'''Bonkers''': Kirby, in here?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': Ha ha! I bet ya Kirby went on a banana-eatin' binge and gobbled up all his food supply!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': What? A gorilla hammering folks on a head?
:'''Waddle Doo''': I heard that if you don't give 'im money or bananas, he gets real mad, and that's when he strikes.
:'''Escargoon''': He sounds like a bill collector which means he'll come here for the nine million we owe N.M.E..
:'''King Dedede''': So how much would nine million be if we pay him in bananas?
:'''Escargoon''': Huh? I don't know the exchange rate for fruit.
:'''King Dedede''': Well, ain't no bullying bill collector gonna knock on my royal noggin'! Throw that gorilla into whose gal!
:'''Escargoon''': Let's hope he doesn't make a chimpanzee out of you. ''[Getting hitted by Dedede's mallet]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, Waddle Doo! Go and get that gorilla!
:'''Waddle Doo''': Let's move it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Kirby's in big trouble if that gorilla can track him down before we do.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Yeah! Why would a big gorilla be lookin' for Kirby?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bonkers''': Me want to train with Kirby.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': That's a ridiculous idea. Who ever heard of making a giant gorilla monster?

== [Episode 80] Power Ploy ([Episode 80] 強壮! ドリンク狂想曲) ==
:'''King Dedede''': Why, just last night I was working at my desk burning up the midnight oil!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Did... I just hear you say you were working?
:'''King Dedede''': Yep! I spent hours at my PC!
:'''Escargoon''': And he almost got it turned on, too! ''[laughs before getting hammered by Dedede]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Upwardly mobile types like us can easily get worn down. That's why we came up with a new energy-booster drink to keep you going like gangbusters round the clock. It's called Pump Up D!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Yeah! I have tons of energy! Ha-haha! I feel like Super Kawasaki! Up and away!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cappy patient''': Doctor... Isn't there anything you can do? I feel awful all over.
:'''Dr. Yabui''': There's no cure... unless you drink this Pump Up D!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Glu-gly-cero-poly-carbo-phosphate. This health drink is totally unhealthy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Triple D, this snake monster is guaranteed to rattle Kirby.

== [Episode 81] A Trashy Tale ([Episode 81] ドキッ! かたづけられない女)==
:'''Escargoon''': I can't tell if this is a throne room or a landfill.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Yabui''': It took me months and months to finish this article!! Grr... WHO DID THIS?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Yabui''': I'm messy, eh? Just wait 'til I get my hands on you! I'll show you messy! My paper's ruined!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Trash Basher, the garbage monster. This stinks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Yeah! We haven't seen Cleaning Kirby in ages!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[To Tuff]'' Don't laugh, you have to clean your room too!
:'''Tuff''': ''[Nervously Laughs]''
:'''Kirby''': ''[while Handing Tuff A Broom]'' Poyo, Poyo!
:'''Tuff''': Ah boy, what a dirty trick.

== [Episode 82] Cooking Up Trouble ([Episode 82] 合体ロボリョウリガーZ!)==
:'''Sword Kinght''': Blade?
:'''Blade Knight''': Ay?
:'''Sword Knight''': Smells delicious, don't it? Course' anything would smell good compared to Meta knight's cooking!
:''[Blade Knight speaks in foreign language]''
:'''Sword Knight''': You could say that again!
:'''Meta Knight''': ''[he enters from behind]'' Say what again?
:''[Sword and Blade turn around surprised]''
:'''Sword Knight''': Err... He was saying that your cooking... is beyond compare!
:''[Blade Knight responds in foreign language]''
:'''Meta Knight''': Hmm...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Listen everybody! You're going about this thing the wrong way. Those machines can't cook for you because the most important ingredient is missing. You can't make great food unless you use your heart. Cooking isn't about using all the latest technology. Your food will always be mediocre unless you care about what you make.

== [Episode 83] Teacher's Threat ([Episode 83] 魔獣教師3)==
:'''King Dedede''': It's time for me to face the fact that I may need some education.
:'''Escargoon''': Education won't help you. The mind's only a terrible thing to waste if you have one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': What are you brats gonna learn standing out here in the rain? How to get soggy?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': But this school doesn't have anything to do with cooking.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': That's okay. My cooking doesn't have anything to do with cooking either!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Chip''': I'm sorry, but in my classroom, everyone is equal, whether you're royalty or not. Let's try again, shall we, Dedede?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Chip''': Punishment won't help him learn. What Dedede could use is a bit of encouragement.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': If Mr. Chip could stay here in Cappy Town, I'd be the happiest girl alive. Mr. Chip is a wonderful man!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I need some down time so my brain could re-coagulate.

== [Episode 84] Mumbies Madness ([Episode 84] キュリオ氏の秘宝?) ==
:'''Tokkori''': You hear that weird noise over there? You go check it out and I'll go back to sleep.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prof. Curio''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''LEAVE HERE IMMEDIATELY!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; ''[his shouting sends Kirby into an immediate panic as the latter flees, and he laughs evilly as the relic he was excavating is unsealed]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prof. Curio''': It's none of your business! Get lost!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[about Professor Curio]'' But... why would he act so mean?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kabu''': Kirby. You must be careful. That monster will never stop attacking you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[reading]'' Mumbies are a good luck monster. Whoever finds one will become rich. Mumbies dwell underground by day, and know where many fabulous treasures are buried.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': The Mumbies are vicious monsters sent throughout the universe to hunt down and exterminate Star Warriors. When the containers that hold them are discovered, they are automatically unsealed, and they begin looking for Star Warriors to destroy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prof. Curio''': It wasn't until I re-examined that book today that I realized what the King had done. I can't believe he tricked me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Easy, Sire. This is a comedy show, not a reality series!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[seeing that Kirby has let the Mumbies get burned by the sun's rays]'' Kirby won!
:'''Escargoon''': And who's fault was that?
:''[Dedede screams in anger]''

== [Episode 85] A Sunsational Surprise/A Sunsational Puzzle ([Episode 85] まぼろしの紫外線!) ==
:'''Lady Like''': WRINKLES!?!? ''[looks at herself in the mirror and then screams]'' The sun ''(Inaudible)'' ''(to the viewer)'' Stop staring at me! My face is looking like a prune! ''(screams)'' Call the plastic surgeon!
:'''Sir Ebrum''': Aren't you overreacting, dear?

== [Episode 86] A Chow Challenge ([Episode 86] 弟子対決! コックナゴヤ)==
:'''Chef Nagoya''': You really have made progress as a chef, Kawasaki. This is quite tasty!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I don't want Nagoya to find out that I still can't cook!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': If that guy studied with Kawasaki, then he's gotta be a graduate of the institute of indigestion!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': He took cookin' lessons with Kawasaki!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': We're doing our best, but Nightmare Enterprises deals in monsters, not in groceries. It may take a little time, Triple-D.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Nagoya''': Your crazy cuisine has won that little Star Warrior's heart and stomach. Kirby would never be happy eating my food. It's way too bland for his taste!

== [Episode 87] Waste Management ([Episode 87] 襲撃! カラスの勝手軍団) ==
:'''Crowmon''': You lied to me! You said you'd give us all we can eat. But the trash is gone and we're still hungry!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crowmon''': You will never get away!

== [Episode 88] Shell-Shocked ([Episode 88] はだかのエスカルゴン) ==
:'''Tiff''': Shell collecting is fun, but it can also be quite educational. Some creatures like clams have two shells that are connected. Other creatures just have a single shell.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[sneezes]'' Somethin' around here's got my allergies acting up.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughs]'' Just don't sneeze on the grill! I'm cookin' top shell! ''[he take a mouthful of topshell and he chewing]'' Maaaan! Is that ever hot! But tasty. Here, you wanna try one?
:'''Escargoon''': Not if they taste like they smell.
:'''King Dedede''': Not even one?
:'''Escargoon''': I don't like shellfish.
:'''King Dedede''': Bet you never tasted ones like these here. Come on!
:'''Escargoon''': Eugh... No! ''[exclaims]''
:'''King Dedede''': Guess that just means more top shells for me! ''[some empty topshells fell on a ground after he ate them all]'' Boy, oh, boy, that does a belly good!
:''[Waddle Dees clean some other topshells and except one who fell, and then Dedede imagine of this topshell]''
:'''King Dedede''': An empty shell. Get outta that shell right now!
:''[Escargoon screaming]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Come back here, Escargoon! I wanna see what you been hiding underneath that shell of yours!
:'''Escargoon''': You're crazy! It's not open to the public!
:'''King Dedede''': Slow down, so I can get a crack at it! ''[He tried to a mallet to Escargoon's shell, but it missed, Escargoon laughs]'' Grrr!! Come here!
:'''Escargoon''': ''[jumps]'' Oh! How dare you try to hit me! ''[jumps again]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[laughs]'' Methinks the king is out of shape. Well, ''adieu''. ''[chuckles, leaves with suavity]''
:''[Dedede however, was never tired, and tricked Escargoon. He then hammers his shell from behind, Escargoon screaming in shocked]''
:'''Escargoon''': Sneak attack!
:'''King Dedede''': I'm crackin' your shell open and havin' a look!
:''[Escargoon screams, his shell is about to slightly cracks]''
:'''King Dedede''': Ah-ha!
:'''Escargoon''': Huh?
:'''King Dedede''': ''[he points on Escargoon's shell]'' Hey, it's startin' to open up!
:'''Escargoon''': ''[screaming]'' It is? Everything looks okay to me?
:'''King Dedede''': I always knew you was a little bit cracked. Now you're more cracked than before! ''[laughs]''
:'''Escargoon''': You may find this amusing but I don't! ''[groans]'' I just hope I don't catch pneumonia.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At Doctor Yabui's clinic, Escargoon gets his fractured shell looked at by Doctor Yabui]''
:'''Dr. Yabui''': Oh...yes I see...my goodness.
:'''Escargoon''': Your goodness what, doc?
:'''Dr. Yabui''': Bad news. there's a fracture in your shell.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[gasps]'' Well don't just sit there, fix it!
:'''Dr. Yabui''': I'm afraid there's nothing I can do
:''[Escargoon whimpers in terror]''
:'''Dr. Yabui''': It can't be repaired.
:'''Escargoon''': You're joking!
:'''Dr. Yabui''': It might even get bigger.
:'''Escargoon''': THIS CAN'T BE!!!''[His shell cracks once more, Tiff and Tuff gasped. Whimpering in terror, he sees behind his shell cracking again, cries]'' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''PLEASE HELP ME!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Tiff''': That's tough.
:'''Tuff''': Don't get excited, Escargoon! It's only a shell.
:'''Escargoon''': Don't tell me no to get excited, kid. My whole world's falling apart!
:''[Escargoon is suddenly interrupted by Dedede shows up in the limousine to exacerbate things further]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, Yabui. No use hiding Escargoon! ''[He barges into Yabui's clinic]'' Come on out! I know you here some-place. And I'm gonna find ya. ''[He tries to open the door]'' It's me, Escargoonie-goo. Open up this here door. I'm your best pal, ain't I? I won't hurt you.
:'''Escargoon''': Go away. I can't see you now. I'm studying for a blood test.
:'''King Dedede''': I'm real worried about you, so please open up, little buddy? ''[He pulls out his mallet]'' In fact...I'll open it for you! Stand back, buddy! ''[He hits a door with a his mallet]''
:'''Escargoon''': He wants to smash my shell to pieces! ''[He barricades the door]''
:'''King Dedede''': Now ain't you gonna let me in there or ain'cha?
:'''Escargoon''': ''[grunts]'' Uh-uh! ''[His shell cracks again, then he screaming in terror]''
:'''Tiff''': Stop that! Haven't you done enough?! Don't you know Escargoon needs his shell to protect his body?!
:'''King Dedede''': Protect his body?
:'''Dr. Yabui''': That's right. Without his shell, Escargoon would be completely exposed.
:''[Tuff laughing]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey! What what that looks like...''[He imagines what Escargoon would look like without his &quot;clothes&quot; on, which is reference by [[w:The Birth of Venus|The Birth of Venus]]]'' ''Am I being disrespectful? Should I leave Escargoon alone?'' Probably but I ain't a' going to. Now show me what you hiding under that there shell!
:'''Escargoon''': I'm never showing nothing to nobody!
:'''Tiff, Tuff, and Dr. Yabui''': Nobody?
:'''Escargoon''': Why do I suddenly feel like a &lt;big&gt;'''SCIENTIST EXPERIMENT!?'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[When Dedede busts the door with his mallet]'' I'm not letting you in this door!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[He continue busting the door with his mallet for several times]'' Let me in!
:'''Escargoon''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''GO AWAY!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; Help me.
:'''King Dedede''': Here I come! ''[He smash the door down. He does so and breaks the shell completely]''
:'''Escargoon''': That did it!
:''[All exclaims, and Kirby close the Escargoon's shell]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey! You get off of that! You can't park it there!
:'''Tiff''': Stay right where you are! Now you've done it! You've split Escargoon's shell apart!
:'''Escargoon''': I never felt so violated! I lost my dignity!
:'''King Dedede''': Now you just relax whilst I have myself a little look-see here!
:'''Escargoon''': Don't let him touch me!
:'''King Dedede''': You know you're gonna have to show me sooner or later.
:'''Escargoon''': How about later? Much later.
:''[Dedede chases Escargoon around, both yelling]''
:'''King Dedede''': As your king, is it my royal right to see what you got under that shell and I ain't quit 'til I get a peek! ''[As he steps on Escargoon's tail, Escargoon screams as Kirby falls off. Escargoon grab and pull the tail offs and his so the shell falls off, but it closed again]'' Oh no!
:'''Escargoon''': Thank goodness.
:'''Kirby''': Po-yay?
:'''Tiff''': Leave Escargoon alone! Don't you think you've caused enough trouble for him already?!
:'''King Dedede''': Not really. I think I could cause a lot more trouble.
:'''Tiff''': You broke his shell in the first place, so you better find him a new one!
:'''Escargoon''': And fast!
:'''King Dedede''': Find him a new shell, huh? That's a great idea!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Sure thing, King! In fact, we have a monstrous new line of mollusc-wear that is guaranteed to bring out the beast if you know what I mean.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': With my new remote-controlled spy fly, I'll get me a real bug's eye view! ''[He uses the Grasshopper Eavesdropper to take a peek at the Escargoon in a changing-tent]''
:'''Escargoon''': How humiliating...''[He pick up with the tin-pan]'' This one looks too small, but I'll try it on anyway,
:'''King Dedede''': This is it! Yeah! Let see!!
:'''Escargoon''':  ''[Moans, but he noticed Grasshopper Eavesdropper spying on him and he screaming in shocked, smashes it with the tin-pan]'' SPY ON ME, WILL YA!?
:'''King Dedede''': It's busted! Now my undercover bug can't spy on that slug!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': So? Making like top-shell, huh? You lucky I didn't fricasse you!
:'''Escargoon''': Yeah, well you came close enough!
:'''Tiff''': Escargoon's just wearing this, while we're trying to fix up this regular shell!
:'''King Dedede''': Oh! Now I get it.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''King Dedede''': You hog! You ate my tender delicious topshell before I got to it!
:'''Escargoon''': That shell was empty when I put it on, you blowhard!
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, that reminds me!...I still ain't seen what you been hiding under that shell!
:''[Escargoon exclaims]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[laughs in evilly]'' It's too late now.
:'''King Dedede''': New shell or no new shell, I still wanna see what you hiding underneath here!
:'''Escargoon''': It's no use, but give it a shot, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': ALRIGHT!!! ''[He attempts to break it open, but to no avail]'' It's too hard.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': All that pounding is giving me a pounding headache!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maimaigoon''': This shell makes me invincible...and powerful!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maimaigoon''': ''[to Kirby as he fires his lighting beams]'' You're finished, Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': For a snail, he's pretty quick.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Hold on! I think there's another crack in that there!
:'''Escargoon''': The only thing cracked in this room is you, you wacko!
:'''King Dedede''': Just one little-itty-bitty peek?
:'''Escargoon''': You keep your paws off of me! HELP!
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon, please!?
:'''Escargoon''': Buzz off, you creep!

== [Episode 89] Tooned Out ([Episode 89] オタアニメ! 星のフームたん)==
:'''Escargoon''': Tiff can't be the hero! She's a bad guy!
:'''King Dedede''': There's only room for one hero on my show and that's me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Biggy''': She's so awesome, she deserves her own animated series.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bony''': Why don't we make her the hero?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boys''': Roses are red. Violets are blue. Here we come, Tiff. We're gonna draw you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sleepy''': We need more recordings of her voice to use in the cartoon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': You guys shouldn't stick around taking my pictures without permission.
:'''Sleepy''': She looks good she's mad.
:'''Bony''': Those lying visitor but totally fears.
:'''Biggy''': She's sure is gonna lot a fun you are.
:'''Boys''': ''[to Tiff]'' Cutie.
:'''Tiff''': ''[gasps]'' Don't call me that! Why don't you guys show a little originality and invent your own cartoon character instead of picking on me?! &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''I DON'T WANT TO BE A CARTOON STAR!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Boys''': Did you say &quot;so sorry&quot;?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Alright, boys, I'm sending you the ace of all animators. Allow me to introduce the legendary Dis Walney! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dis Walney''': Hmm, the scene needs more excitement. I need more energy, King!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Anige''': Now I'm going to delete your friend Kirby permanently!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Hey, it's morning.
:'''Tiff''': And there's still no cartoon.
:''[Dedede and Escargoon exclaiming in shocked]''
:'''King Dedede''': If we don't put a cartoon on I'll be flat broke!
:'''Escargoon''': But sire, there's only 5 minutes left to go!
:'''King Dedede''': Whoever said &quot;the show must go on&quot; didn't know us!
:''[Dedede and Escargoon hugged as they crying and Tuff laughs]''
:'''Tiff''': Too bad those professional animators couldn't help you.
:'''Both''': ''[stopped crying]'' Huh? What'd you say?
:'''King Dedede''': So, let's go!
:'''Escargoon''': There's still hope.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Well, guys?
:'''Sleepy''': It wasn't easy, dude, but we did it.
:'''Biggy''': We had to draw it really fast.
:'''Bony''': But it's way cool!
:'''King Dedede''': Who cares? It's done!
:'''Escargoon''': 10 seconds left!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': That doesn't look like you, sire.
:'''King Dedede''': There's something about that girly are looked saw that familiar!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Is that airhead really supposed to be me?!
:'''Biggy''': Yeah. Except, she's not short like you.
:'''Tiff''': Yeah, I'm short alright. ''(furious growl)'' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''AND SO'S MY TEMPER!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

== [Episode 90] Born to Be Mild - Part I ([Episode 90] 爆走! デデデス・レース (前編))==
:'''Rip''': The name's Rip. Sorry to wake ya, officer!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Both coughing]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, what's the idea sticking up the hand here!?
:'''Escargoon''': Yeah, who do you think you are? King Dedede?
:'''King Dedede''': You're in big trouble!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': That biker gang could strike again at any time! We've got to have a plan to defend ourselves!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': We're not gonna let you mess up Cappy Town!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Turbo''': My name's Turbo. Allow me to introduce our fearless leader: Fang!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fang''': First we gotta find a dude named Steppenwolf, but then we'll take care of Kirby for ya.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gus''': One of them bikers is an old friend of mine. You see, I used to belong to a motorcycle gang.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''NME Sales Guy''': Now hold up, Highness. Have you considered beating them with a track attack... by having a race? Of course, you'll need a place to race! That's expensive, but Nightmare Enterprises could be the sponsor!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': We gonna have a big race at the brand spankin' new DDD Speedway!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': It looks like Fang's racing circles around Kirby and the rest of the Cappy crew! Can the friends defeat the gang without Gus? Find out next time, on ''Kirby: Right Back at Ya!''

== [Episode 91] Born to Be Mild - Part II ([Episode 91] 爆走! デデデス・レース (後編))==
:'''Fang''': Just wait, Kirby. I'll finish you off later! Right now, I wanna make sure I win this race.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Melman''': You caused a lot of trouble when you were younger, but this is your chance to make up for it. Take that chance while you still can!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': That punk jockey ain't got a chance of beatin' Fang now!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': That grease monkey must've got out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Listen! According to this chemical analysis, the fuel in Fang's motorcycle couldn't have come from this planet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': What a surprise! It looks like our bad boy biker has been de-fanged by a rough-riding old-timer with a need for speed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Melman''': You can say all you want, Tiff. The important thing is that Fang is gone. Ooh, am I gonna be sore tonight...

== [Episode 92] Hunger Struck ([Episode 92] ワドルディの食文化大革命)==
:'''Escargoon''': Sire! Sire! You won't believe with those Waddle Dees! I just left him in the dining hall!
:'''King Dedede''': Good, don't bring him in here cause it might kill my appetite.
:'''Escargoon''': While you slurp that slot the Waddles Dees are having the feast. It's a gourmet meal with four different courses fit for a king.
:''[Dedede becomes enraged and he throw the cup of ramen noodles to Escargoon's face]''
:'''King Dedede''': If it's fit for a king, how come I ain't gettin' any?! Grrr!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[A Waddle Dee Eats A Cookie]''
:'''King Dedede''': No Way!
:'''Escargoon''': It adsorbed the cookie!
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, how'd it do that? It's munchin' alright...
:'''Escargoon''': Wonder how it flosses...
:'''King Dedede''': That's weird.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waddle Doo''': ''[to the Waddle Dees]'' The king's so stingy he put us on a starvation diet! Now our stomachs cry out for vengeance!
:''[cut to King Dedede and Escargoon being chased by angry Waddle Dees]''
:'''King Dedede''': We in trouble! My own guards is out to get me!
:'''Escargoon''': I've heard of hunger strikes before, but this is ridiculous!

== [Episode 93] D'Preciation Day ([Episode 93] カービィ感謝の日!) ==
:'''Tiff''': I know Dedede can be mean and nasty and selfish, but deep down, he really just wants to be loved. If we gave him a present, maybe he'd feel loved, and change his ways.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': I think you'd be a much better candidate for something like &quot;Take Your Tyrant to Lunch Day!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Nobody 'round here appreciates me, so I'm gonna start up a brand new tradition in Dream Land! There gonna be no more appreciation days. From now on, we only celebrating Dis Days!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waddle Doo''': Sorry, Kawasaki! King's orders!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Looks like Tiff's trying to disrupt Dis Day.
:'''King Dedede''': Just wait 'til she finds out who we dissin' next.
:''[Dedede and Escargoon break out laughing]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': 10. 9. 8.
:'''Escargoon''': 7. 6. 5. 4. 3.
:'''Tiff''': Spit it out, Kirby!
:'''King Dedede''': Here...
:'''Escargoon''': We...
:'''Both''': GO!!!
:''[Kirby's face becomes red and glows, and he then starts to spit gray smoke from his mouth, at such a force and speed that he is sent flying up in the air while spitting out more smoke]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Dedede's gone too far this time!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': I think he's rotten no matter how deep down you go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waddle Doo''': A message for you, Sire!
:'''King Dedede''': Who's it from?
:'''Escargoon''': It's from Tiff. She's inviting us to Kirby's memorial service.
:'''King Dedede''': His what?
:'''Escargoon''': I regret to inform you that Kirby is gone. We're gathering to bid farewell to him this afternoon. Please join us to pay your last respects.
:''[Both exclaims]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[King Dedede and Escargoon crying about Kirby's funeral]''
:'''King Dedede''': It's all our fault!
:'''Escargoon''': Forgive us, Kirby! That prank was His Majesty's idea, but I was the one who came up with the time bomb part! For once I wish I wasn't so brilliant!
:'''King Dedede''': Now I wish you weren't dumb as me!
:'''Escargoon''': How did that work possible? 
:'''King Dedede''': I never would have played that prank If I don't know this was gonna happen. I wish I could take it all back!
:'''Tiff''': Unfortunately, it's too late.
:'''King Dedede''': But there's got to be something I can do.
:'''Tiff''': You can't do start by promising not to play any more practical jokes on your subjects!
:'''King Dedede''': I PROMISE!! ''[crying]'' Here, Kirby. This one ain't got no time bomb.
:'''Tiff''': I'm sure he'd like that a lot.
:'''King Dedede''': I MISS YOU KIRBY OL' BUDDY! ''[cries]''
:'''Tiff''': I think Dedede is really sorry.
:'''Mayor Len''': I agree.
:'''Tuff''': Looks like he learned his lesson.
:''[Kirby hops out of the grave in order to eat the watermelon left for him. Dedede and Escargoon screams]''
:'''King Dedede''': He even got a hungry ghost!
:'''Tiff''': Oh, Kirby.
:''[Tuff groans]''
:'''Escargoon''': Kirby's not a ghost. The runt's still alive! A-ha! You were all playing a trick on His Majesty, weren't ya?
:'''King Dedede''': ''[whimpers as he cries]'' I'M GLAD HE'S OKAY!!!
:'''Escargoon''': You are?
:'''King Dedede''': It was dull bein' ruler of Dream Land before you came along. I need me an enemy!
:'''Tuff''': The king really has changed. 
:'''Tiff''': In his own twisted way he cares about Kirby.
:'''King Dedede''': Kirby...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waddle Doo''': The card says: This is Chuckie. Made especially for Kirby by Nightmare Enterprises.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Every day's Kirby appreciation day.
:'''Waddle Doo''': You've got a card, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': Huh? Somebody appreciates me too.
:'''Escargoon''': Here. Let's see. It's a bill from Nightmare Enterprises. They want 9 million D-Bills for that monster.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[whimpers as he cries]'' THERE ONLY APPRECIATED MY MONEY!!

== [Episode 94] The Thing About the Ring ([Episode 17] パームとメームの指輪物語) ==
:'''Tiff''': ''(to Sir Ebrum)'' How come you always act so weird on your anniversary? I don't get it. It's the same thing every time.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': There you are, my twinkling little treasures. I bet none of you's made of glass. Little does King Greedede know I've been collecting you glittery goo-gahs for years!

== [Episode 95] A Dental Dilemma ([Episode 32] 歯なしにならないハナシ)==
:'''Tiff''': Oh, please. I've had toothaches funnier than King Dedede.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': That's easy for him to say. PLEASE DON'T PULL MY TEETH OUT, DOCTOR!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': That maniac drilled so deep, I thought he was gonna strike oil.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': You could get cavities too, you know.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughs]'' My choppers is way too powerful to get conquered by cavities.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lady Like''': Tuff. I want you to brush your teeth before you go to bed tonight. You too, Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': But, Sire, you have to get that tooth filled.
:'''Dedede''': Ain't no way you gonna drag me there! I'd rather dive head-first into the Booma-Dooma Volcano!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Doctor Yabui won't hurt you, Sire.
:'''Dedede''': He had you shrieking like a smoke detector!

== [Episode 96] Cowardly Creature ([Episode 94] 脱走魔獣ファンファン) ==
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I can assure you we're not responsible, Triple-D. The escapee was part of our &quot;Young Monsters of the Future&quot; program. The training facility is secure, but it looks like somebody found a way to break into our computer system and sent one of our horrible hopefuls free.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I'm me, alrighty! I think it's about time to extra-cise my kingly duties and protect my subjects!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': In fact, I can assure you that the King is totally irresponsible!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': That poor thing's afraid! We have to do something!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Sire, what if he turns into Hammer Kirby?!
:'''King Dedede''': Now don't do nothin' rash! We yer friends, Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Whoa! That monster must be huge!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': I wish I knew why Phan Phan's so frightened all the time. I've never seen a monster act like this before.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Whippy''': Hitti hitti!

== [Episode 97] Frog Wild ([Episode 95] デビル・カービィ!)==
:'''Hana''': I don't know what's gotten into Kirby, but something has.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prof. Curio''': ''[crying]'' Oh no... how could you? My relics are just a pile of rubble now. Why did he come in here and smash them all? Why, Kirby?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuggle''': ''[crying]'' I'm always nice to Kirby! Why would he wanna do 'dis?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mabel''': What is wrong, Kirby? You do not seem to be your perky-pink self today.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': There has to be a misunderstanding. Kirby's a Star Warrior, not a juvenile delinquent!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': He done WHAT?!
:'''Escargoon''': Kirby's smashing up Cappy Town like a pink wrecking ball!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughs]'' He sees it's more fun to be a heel than a hero! But there's only room for one mischief-maker in this kingdom, and that's me!
:'''Escargoon''': Well now the Cappies are more scared of Kirby than they are you, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': Say what?
:'''Escargoon''': Maybe they're just afraid of Kirby because he's a dynamic-demonic ball of fire, and you're just a big bellied out of shape ball of blubber! ''[gets hit it with Dedede's mallet]''
:'''King Dedede''': Now you're out of shape. I'm checking this out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Oh, hello, Kirby. Come on in. I got some leftover turkey jerky hash if you want... Where you goin'? You don't have to have the hash. I can cook anything you want me to. Ah! You just name it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': He does look kind of scary.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[laughs]'' Who knew a half pint could be so horrifying?
:'''King Dedede''': I ain't gonna let that pipsqueak out leave me! ''[He jumps out of limousine]''
:'''Escargoon''': Wait, what are you gonna do!?
:'''King Dedede''': I'm gonna prove I'm more troublesome than Kirby is! 
:'''Escargoon''': Sire, I was only kidding!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[He enters in Kawasaki's restaurant]'' Hey you there, gumball!
:''[Kirby's evil state up-close for himself and Dedede gasped]''
:'''Escargoon''': You're much worse than Kirby. 
:''[Kirby's evil state up-close for himself, Escargoon screams and hides behind Dedede]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Forget it, Kirby ain't no threat to you Cappies. Why he's as harmless as a horse-fly!
:'''Tiff''': Yeah, anyone who knows Kirby knows that he wants to help us, not hurt us.
:'''King Dedede''': It's true. Why that goody-goody ain't got a bad bone in his body.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': ''[After Demon Kirby set the fire on Kawasaki's restaurant]'' Why, Kirby!? Why!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief Bookem''': He destroyed headquarters...
:''[King Dedede's limousine explodes within Chief Bookem's police station]''
:'''King Dedede''': There goes my limo!
:'''Escargoon''': Thanks, Kirby.
:'''King Dedede''': Now what am I gonna drive?
:'''Chief Bookem''': They're wiped out.
:''[All the cappies talking at once]''
:'''Tuff''': I can't believe this.
:'''Tokkori''': I always knew Kirby was trouble, but this takes the cake. That boy's gone ballistic!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief Bookem''': Attention all Cappies! Stay inside your homes! Keep your doors locked, and your windows shut! Kirby's on the loose!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At night, Dedede's castle]''
:'''King Dedede''': ''[offscreen]'' I ain't gonna let Kirby show me up.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': This is a surprise, D-Meister. Why the late night call?
:'''King Dedede''': Tell me who's the baddest bad guy in Dreamland?!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Is that a trick question?
:'''King Dedede''': You're supposed to say it's me!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I'd agree with that.
:'''King Dedede''': Well then Cappies thinks it's Kirby!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': No, how come? ''[As Dedede growls]''
:'''King Dedede''': '''HE SMASHED UP CAPPY TOWN!!'''
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': But Kirby's a good guy.
:'''Escargoon''': He's tearing through this kingdom on a debris spree!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''[laughs]'' Sounds to me like Kirby found your Demon Frog.
:'''King Dedede''': My Demon Frog?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Don't you recall the monster you ordered a couple months back? ''[imitates frog noises]''
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah. Now I remember that frog.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Majesty, that frog is a hoppin' horror show!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': If the Demon Frog really is inside Kirby, then there's no way he can be held responsible for attacking Cappy Town, because it was really the Demon Frog forcing him to do it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': We must find a way to make that Demon Frog leave Kirby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waddle Doo''': Sire! Emergency! Kirby's attacking the castle!
:'''King Dedede''': He is?! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Kirby! I told you to knock it off!
:''[Demon Kirby is still beating up Dedede and the Waddle Dees]''
:'''Tiff''': '''FOR THE LAST TIME! STOP, KIRBY!!!!'''
:''[The Demon Frog momentarily loses control of Kirby]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[after letting the Demon Frog after he transforms himself into Demon Dedede]'' You puny peewees better be scared, 'cause I'm the baddest dude on the whole planet!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': YOU BETTER LEAVE KIRBY ALONE!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': You should teach those two a lesson.
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, they're always scheming against you!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''Tiff''': It's time to give them both a taste of their own medicine!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''King Dedede''': Step away, Escargoon! ''[He kicks Escargoon on a ground and he run away]''
:'''Escargoon''': Wait, Sire! I'm a coward too!

== [Episode 98] Cappy Town Down ([Episode 98] 発進! 戦艦ハルバード) ==
:''[Kirby and friends arrive to find Cappy Town a smoldering wreck and thousands of Cappies homeless]''
:'''Tiff''': Oh, Tuff... This is terrible. The whole place was destroyed when that spaceship attacked. There's no Cappy Town left.
:'''Tuff''': I don't believe it.
:'''Tokkori''': Folks are sayin' this is your fault.
:''[Kirby lowers his head and lets out a sad Poyo. The Cappies turn to Kirby to try to take out their grief on him]''
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': When your ship crashed, we welcomed you to Cappy Town and now we're paying for it, Kirby.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Yeah. We lost everything because of you!
:'''Tuggle''': It was a mistake to let you live here.
:'''Buttercup''': Maybe it's time for you to move on.
:'''Gengu''': Yeah, this is all your fault, Kirby!
:''[Kirby lets out another sad Poyo, only for his friends to step in and defend him]''
:'''Tiff''': This isn't Kirby's fault. It's Dedede's fault!
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, what about all the times Kirby came to our rescue?
:'''Chief Bookem''': He sure didn't save us this time.
:'''Hana''': That's why we don't have a place to live anymore.
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': Cappy Town is in ruins.
:'''Melman''': There's not a mailbox left in the whole town.
:'''Samo''': It's a fine mess Kirby's got us in.
:'''Tiff''': Well this isn't gonna solve anything.
:'''Tuff''': Yeah! Now's the time to work together!
:''[The Cappies are questioning in a confused state while Tiff growls. Then she proudly grunts]''
:'''Tiff''': Come on! We can't give up now! Remember, we've been through tough times before. We'll pull through this one too!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo!
:'''Chief Bookem''': We just don't know what we should do, Tiff.
:'''Tiff''': Meta Knight will tell us. He wants to meet with all of us up in the castle.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': It's a phone.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': That isn't just an ordinary phone, Your Majesty. ''[Dedede's phone starts ringing with a familiar-sounding ringtone, and Dedede opens his phone to find Kirby and another familiar-sounding ringtone, this one being a remix of the theme song]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, what's that pink stinker doing in there?!
:'''Escargoon''': And what's with that annoying music?!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''(laughs)'' Nobody would ever suspect that you'd use a Kirby phone to call Nightmare Enterprises.
:'''King Dedede''': Great idea!
:'''Escargoon''': I wouldn't be surprised if we even get stuck with a phone bill.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[about the Halberd]'' Hey, what is that damn thing?
:'''Escargoon''': Sire, how am I supposed to know? But whatever it is, I think our friend at Nightmare Enterprises would be very interested in it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': The coming battle may well determine the fate of the galaxy.
:'''Tiff''': We can't give up without a fight.
:'''King Dedede''': Meta Knight, you's a dirty double-crosser! You've got some nerve building this here battleship in my basement!
:'''Escargoon''': And what's with this &quot;fate of the galaxy&quot; mumbo jumbo? You got that helmet on too tight?
:'''Meta Knight''': You still have a chance to join forces with us before it is too late.
:'''King Dedede''': Lemme see inside of that ship first.
:''(the door to the inside of the Halberd opens)''
:'''Meta Knight''': Follow me. I will take you to the bridge.
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah, I'd like to push you off one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': This is catastrophic.
:'''Samo''': How can we survive, Meta Knight?
:'''Prof. Curio''': Maybe we should just get rid of Kirby.
:'''Meta Knight''': Listen to me. eNeMeE is not just after Kirby. He will not stop until he controls the entire universe! We must all try to stop him!
:'''Tiff''': That's what this battleship's for, right?
:'''Tuff''': We can battle eNeMeE from inside here.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''Mabel''': This sounds crazy.
:'''Meta Knight''': The odds are against us, but you must decide now! I need a crew. Will you stand up and fight with me?
:''[the Cappies recoil in fear]''
:'''Samo''': You want us to fight?!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I'm a chef, not a soldier!
:'''Meta Knight''': I cannot fly this ship alone. Are there no brave volunteers? Chief Bookem!
:'''Chief Bookem''': Ah, I'd like to help, but I'm a lawman, not an airman.
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': I'm too old to volunteer.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I think I left my oven on!
:'''Mabel''': My crystal ball needs polishing!
:'''Gus''': Gotta go pump some gas!
:'''Prof. Curio''': Good luck, Meta Knight!
:''[the Cappies run out of the Halberd in terror]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Hey there, D. What's shakin'?
:'''King Dedede''': ME! You just blowed up my monster transmitter!
:'''Escargoon''': And you nearly got us, too!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Kirby doesn't stand a chance without help.
:''[the Cappies turn around and notice Kit Cosmos]''
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Well what're you waitin' for? We can't let a Star Warrior battle alone!
:'''Samo''': Who is he?
:'''Mabel''': I don't know, but he could use a shave.
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Sergeant Kit Cosmos! I served with Meta Knight and the Star Warrior force and I'm reportin' for duty.
:'''Iro''': Tiff told us about you.
:'''Honey''': He's a big hero.
:'''Spikehead''': You live on that island.
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Kirby and his squad found me there, and when they went home, I chose to stay. But now I've come to help Kirby take on eNeMeE. All right then, who's ready to fight alongside me?
:'''Samo''': He certainly is a tough cookie.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Yeah. Even tougher than my cookies.
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Will you stand alongside me, or are you a cowering coward?
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': We can't fight, Sergeant.
:'''Prof. Curio''': We're not soldiers.
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Not soldiers? Is that a reason for you to stand there and do nothin'?! Kirby's riskin' his life to save your planet, and it's your duty to help him!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Look who's here.
:'''Tiff''': Sergeant Cosmos!
:'''Kit Cosmos''': I'd never miss a fight if I can help it. ''[Meta Knight steps out to greet him]'' Meta Knight sir!
:'''Meta Knight''': What brings you here?
:'''Kit Cosmos''': I may be a soldier who's over the hill, but I'm proud to serve one last time, if you'll have me.
:'''Meta Knight''': I will.
:'''Kit Cosmos''': It'll be an honor, sir.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I can mess up the mess hall, so count me in too!
:'''Dr. Yabui''': You'll need a medic.
:'''Gus''': And I've got the muscle to tune this baby up for ya!
:'''Tiff''': Thanks, guys! But not all of us can go.
:'''Tuff''': Yeah. Somebody's gotta stay behind to start rebuilding Cappy Town.
:'''Prof. Curio''': Hmmm. We never thought of that, did we?
:'''Gengu''': Yeah, I guess you're... ''[the area around them shakes again]''
:'''Sword Knight''': All volunteers on board.
:'''Blade Knight''': ''*mumbling*'' Help Kirby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Hey, sire. What were you supposed to do again?
:'''King Dedede''': I was supposed to plant this here time bomb on the ship.
:'''Escargoon''': We weren't supposed to be on the ship, were we?
:'''King Dedede''': Aaah! Get me outta here!

== [Episode 99] Combat Kirby ([Episode 99] 撃滅! ナイトメア大要塞) ==
:'''Sword Knight''': Don't worry. She'll be fine. This ship's made to move at hyper speeds.
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, but none of us are.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': Some wormhole. I don't see no worms nowhere.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Our sensors go to have picked up some sort of battleship coming out of a wormhole one light year away. It appears that Kirby and Meta Knight have decided to attack us with their puny little battle barge.
:'''Nightmare''': They are growing desperate. They'll realize I have them beaten. I was hoping they'd be foolish enough to attack, so I've prepared a surprise for them.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': The capsule's set, sir. I'll send it on its way. ''[sends out a capsule containing Heavy Lobster]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Cooking this space food is as easy as boiling water!
:'''Samo''': This is the first time I ever enjoyed Kawasaki's cooking.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Can I boil you some dessert?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Yabui''': Rather dull up here. When I don't have any patients to see, I get rather impatient.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Isn't there any place we can go to get away from you two?
:'''Tiff''': I should've guessed you'd try and stow away.
:'''Escargoon''': We have a right to be here, sister!
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah, this ship was built on my property.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': What are you doing here?!
:'''King Dedede''': I'm comin' along to give you all a helping hand! I'm sick and tired of eNeMeE sending me all them defective monsters!
:'''Escargoon''': What else can we say? We're disgruntled.
:'''King Dedede''': I'm gonna show them crooked creepos that they've done ripped off this here king for the last time!
:'''Tiff''': Well we don't believe a word you say!
:'''Meta Knight''': Do your duty, Chief.
:'''Chief Bookem''': I'm lockin' you up as non-combatant detainees.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': You think he was trying to tell me something.
:'''Escargoon''': He did sound awfully final.
:''[King Dedede and Escargoon screaming in shocked. And they hugged in panicking]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': I think we got ourselves a monster!
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, there must be some mistake. I didn't order no monster from ya!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': We sent this monster to you for free, Your Majesty.
:'''King Dedede''': Well I don't want no favors from ya, so just take it all back, ya hear?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': You ain't nothing but a cheap chizzlin' cheater and now we gonna settle the score with ya.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Can't we just talk this over?
:'''King Dedede''': It's too late! We just found your space fortress and now we gonna make a sneak attack!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Thanks for the tip off, Big D. ''[to the other members of N.M.E.]'' Prepare for attack. Launch all Destraya ships immediately! ''[signs out]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, that chump just hung up on me!
:'''Tiff''': You're the one who's the chump!
:'''Tuff''': Thanks to you, they know our whole plan now.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[he and Dedede are shocked by what Tiff &amp; Tuff just said]'' That sales guy just tricked you again, sire.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Laughs]'' Least I don't have to pay that phone bill.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gus''': They got thousands of those flyin' hub-cabs!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Maybe we should go back while there's still time.
:'''Chief Bookem''': I agree. There's no way we can win this.
:'''Meta Knight''': We will not retreat. We must enter the fortress and fight to the finish!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[three Destraya ships suddenly attack the other Destraya ships to everybody's amazement]''
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': What's going on? They're fighting each other.
:'''Tuff''': And they're not attackin' us.
:'''Tiff''': What's eNeMeE up to now?
:'''Meta Knight''': We are not fighting this battle alone.
:'''Knuckle Joe''': ''[turns on his screen to contact the Halberd crew]'' Hey, how's it going, gang?
:'''Tiff''': Knuckle Joe!
:'''Knuckle Joe''': I took over a Destraya and was hoping you'd let me join your party.
:'''Sirica''': ''[her screen comes on as well]'' Do you remember me? I came along to help, too.
:'''Tiff''': Hey, that's Sirica!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo!
:'''Sirica''': Knuckle Joe and I have become friends now and we're teaming up to help you defeat eNeMeE.
:'''Sir Arthur''': ''[his and his knights' screen comes on as well]'' And we will be joining the battle as well.
:'''Meta Knight''': Arthur, and the rest of the Star Warriors!
:'''Sir Arthur''': We were able to raid the fortress and commandeer some Destraya ships. We will clear the way for you to enter the fortress so you and Kirby can challenge eNeMeE.
:'''Meta Knight''': It'll be an honor.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''Knuckle Joe''': But right now, just sit back and let us handle that fleet.
:'''Sirica''': Now onto victory!
:'''Sir Arthur''': Full speed ahead!
:''[the three Destrayas that Knuckle Joe, Sirica, Sir Arthur and his knights stole destroy the other Destrayas]''
:'''Tiff''': They destroyed the enemy ships!
:'''Meta Knight''': Yes! Now we can enter the fortress. Set sail for liftoff! ''[the Halberd blasts its way past more Destrayas and successfully enters the entrance to Nightmare's fortress]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief Bookem''': It's awful quiet.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I wonder why nobody's attacking us.
:'''Tuff''': Maybe they've given up.
:'''Sword Knight''': Detecting something big, closing fast.
:'''Tiff''': Look there!
:'''Kirby''': Pooo...
:''[Nightmare, finally stepping out of the shadows after 98 episodes, makes himself known to the Halberd crew through a giant projection of himself]''
:'''Meta Knight''': eNeMeE...
:'''Nightmare''': Heh. It was a mistake to come here, Kirby. As you can see, you and your puny band of Star Warriors pose no threat to me. Challenging me is the last mistake you will ever make!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo!
:''[Nightmare laughs evilly]''
:'''Meta Knight''': Follow him.

== [Episode 100] Fright to the Finish ([Episode 100] 飛べ! 星のカービィ) ==
:'''Tiff''': Meta Knight, those blasts went right through him.
:'''Meta Knight''': He has led us into a trap!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': I guess Kirby's gonna beat us once and for all, Sire.
:''[Dedede's cell phone starts ringing]''
:'''King Dedede''': What's that sound?
:'''Escargoon''': Your phone. ''[Dedede pulls out his phone and struggles to catch it]'' Ugh, that music's annoying. I wish you'd put it on vibrate. ''[Dedede catches his phone]''
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Hey there! Are you ready to surrender yet, Your Majesty?
:'''Escargoon''': You bet we are.
:'''King Dedede''': I ain't never gonna wave no white flag!
:'''Escargoon''': Forget His Highness. Can you at least save me?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': If you'd like to negotiate, you'll have to speak with my boss. ''[reveals Nightmare, who hypnotizes both Dedede and Escargoon]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sword Knight''': ''[using King Dedede's cell phone that he dropped to track the signal]'' The signal's coming from up there.
:'''Gus''': Must be the command center.
:'''Dr. Yabui''': That's where they control the fortress.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Hey, let's set up a blast up there and wreck the place. That'll stop eNeMeE!
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, but who can do it?
:'''Tokkori''': It's your idea, so you oughtta go.
:''[Chef Kawasaki gasps]''
:'''Kit Cosmos''': ''[laughs heartily]'' Don't worry. I'm comin' along to provide backup support.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I wish I never cooked up this idea.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Thanks for the special delivery.
:'''King Dedede''': I know that voice. You're the sales dude!
:'''Escargoon''': We've never actually seen you in person before.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Well you're in for a little surprise. ''[turns his chair around, and, to the surprise of Tiff, Dedede, and Escargoon, reveals that he has stubby feet similar to other Kirby characters and is only about as tall as Escargoon]''
:'''King Dedede''': You look a lot taller on the TV screen.
:'''Escargoon''': You're almost as shrimpy as Kirby.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Hohohohoho! I may be shrimpy, but I'm a whale of a salesman. And now, we'll take the kid. ''[Nightmare grabs Tiff]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nightmare''': It's too late, child. Kirby is about to face his worst nightmare...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''[evilly laughs]'' Kirby's falling right into our trap, thanks to you.
:'''King Dedede''': Hold it! We've got a problem here.
:'''Escargoon''': We could use some refreshments.
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah. How about showing us some grinditude with some grub?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I'm afraid I can't help you fellas. There's no kitchen in the command center.
:'''Escargoon''': We'll call Kawasaki!
:'''King Dedede''': Oooh! ''[laughs and grabs the microphone]'' Yo, Kawasaki! Whip me up a little something and rush it to me right away!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Here you go, sire! Liver and spinach surprise.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': How'd he get in here!?
:'''King Dedede''': Oh boy! Home cooking! ''(sits down to eat Kawasaki's cooking and enjoys it)'' Mmm. This here dish is delish! Go on. Have a bite.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': No thanks, I'm not...
:'''King Dedede''': ''[shoves the liver into the N.M.E. Sales Guy's mouth]'' You're gonna love it! ''[laughs]''
:'''Escargoon''': ''[as the N.M.E. Sales Guy turns around, unable to handle the taste of Kawasaki's cooking]'' Bet ya never tasted anything like that!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nightmare''': This is checkmate, Kirby. The game is up!
:'''Tiff''': You brought Kirby here because this is where you make nightmares! But he's not afraid of you and your tricks.
:'''Nightmare''': We shall see about that! Before this match is over, you will both learn the force of my power. ''[evilly laughs]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': We can use the monster delivery system here to deliver us home.
:'''Tokkori''': You don't seriously expect us to use that contraption, do ya?
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Hm. It's worth a try.
:'''Meta Knight''': But it is close to the place where you planted that bomb.
:''[the rest of the crew gasp]''
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': We have to go back?
:'''Meta Knight''': Yes, and we do not have a moment to lose!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nightmare''': He has used up all of his energy. Kirby is now completely helpless. I can crush him with little effort... But first, some fun! I shall enter Kirby's sleep and give him a nightmare, and you can join him. This dream will be a real scream!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nightmare''': ''[screams in terror as Kirby surrounds him with a barrage of stars from the Star Rod]'' No! How did Kirby discover the secret? That pitiful little Star Warrior has found my only weakness. I am helpless against the power of the Star Rod!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': eNeMeE is really a living nightmare, so the only place you could beat him was inside a dream. Good work, Kirby! You are the only Star Warrior who gets the secret of the Star Rod and can use it against eNeMeE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[About Tuff, Meta Knight, and the Cappies]'' We better go look for the others now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Hi, everybody!
:'''Tuff''': Hey, Tiff!
:'''Tiff''': Kirby battled eNeMeE and he beat him!
:''[everyone cheers now that they've heard the good news]''
:'''Tiff''': Where are you guys going?
:'''Tuff''': The Halberd was blown away. We have to escape before our bomb goes off!
:''[Tiff and Kirby gasp upon hearing Tuff's own fair share of news]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughs]'' That liver sure made you shiver!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''[brushing his teeth to get the taste of Kawasaki's cooking out of his mouth]'' I was completely disgusted!
:'''Escargoon''': Now you know how we feel about you!
:''[both laugh until they are suddenly interrupted by the Halberd's crew barging into the command center]''
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': There's the monster delivery system!
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, what's goin' on?!
:'''Chief Bookem''': Kirby beat eNeMeE and now we're gonna destroy this place!
:'''King Dedede''': No way!
:''[the N.M.E. Sales Guy gasps in shock and terror after having heard what Chief Bookem just said and makes a run for it]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sir Arthur''': Kirby and his crew have actually done it.
:'''Knuckle Joe''': I hope they had time to...get away.
:'''Sirica''': Good luck, my friends.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Last line, series finale; the sun rises over the horizon and the people look on at the fully-rebuilt Cappy Town happily]''
:'''Mayor Len''': Cappy Town's as beautiful as ever.
:'''Mabel''': It was hard work, but we rebuilt it together.
:'''Tiff''': Everything's back to normal.
:'''Escargoon''': Except for the castle...''[he and King Dedede look at the still-damaged Castle Dedede]'' It's still a wreck.
:'''King Dedede''': And I ain't even got me a way to order me no more monsters.
:'''Meta Knight''': ''[holds Dedede's cell phone out]'' What about this?
:'''King Dedede''': Ah! Gimme!
:''[King Dedede turns his cell phone on only to find its monitor all fuzzed out due to the destruction of Nightmare's fortress and the command center that was inside it, and he and Escargoon sigh in sadness. Tiff, Tuff, &amp; Kirby laugh at the two and then look back at Cappy Town]''
:'''Tiff''': And so Kirby saved the galaxy and proved himself to be the greatest Star Warrior of all... and life in Dream Land went back to normal. But I suppose that with Kirby around, life will always be an adventure. Isn't that right, Kirby?
:'''Kirby''': Puuu... Poyo!

== English Voice Cast ==
:[[w:Makiko Ohmoto|Makiko Ohmoto]] (Japanese voice kept) – Kirby and Kirbysaurus (Ep 76)
:[[w:Kerry Williams|Kerry Williams]] – Tiff and Tiffasaurus (Ep 76)
:[[w:Kayzie Rogers|Kayzie Rogers]] – Tuff, Lady Like, Hana, Honey, and Tuffadactyl (Ep 76)
:[[w:Ted Lewis|Ted Lewis]] – King Dedede, Escargoon, Escargoon's Mother, Amon, D-Rex (Ep 75-76), Escarsaurus (Ep 76), Escar-Droid, Rekketsu (Ep 83), Crowmon (Ep 87), and Maimaigoon (Ep 88)
:[[w:Eric Stuart|Eric Stuart]] – Meta Knight, Gus, Sword Knight, Blade Knight, Coo, Slice n' Splice, and Yamikage
:[[w:Andrew Rannells|Andrew Rannells]] – Chief Bookem (75–100), Nightmare, Rick, Benikage, Max Flexer, and Bookemsaurus (Ep 76)
:[[w:Maddie Blaustein|Maddie Blaustein]] – Chef Kawasaki, Gengu, Tuggle, Biblio, Waddle Doo, Mr. Curio, Melman, Hardy, Kawasakisaurus (Ep 76), and Bonkers
:[[w:Mike Pollock|Mike Pollock]] – Mayor Len, Samo, Kit Cosmos, Chef Shittake, Lensaurus (Ep 76) and Samosaurus (Ep 76)
:[[w:Amy Birnbaum|Amy Birnbaum]] – Kirby (speaking parts in early episodes), Spikehead and Mabel
:[[w:David Lapkin|David Lapkin]] – Sir Ebrum, Dr. Yabui, Mr. Chip (Ep 83), and Dis Walney (Ep 89)
:[[w:Veronica Taylor|Veronica Taylor]] – Rowlin and Sirica
:[[w:Darren Dunstan|Darren Dunstan]] – Kine and Dr. Moro
:[[w:Jerry Lobozzo|Jerry Lobozzo]] – Chief Bookem (1–75)
:[[w:Tara Jayne|Tara Jayne]] – Fololo, Falala, Princess Rona, and Commander Vee
:[[w:Dan Green|Dan Green]] – NME Salesman and Whispy Woods
:[[w:Kevin Kolack|Kevin Kolack]] – Tokkori, Knuckle Joe
:[[w:Jim Napolitano|Jim Napolitano]] – Kabu and Iro
:[[w:James Carter Cathcart|James Carter Cathcart]] – Sir Gallant
:[[w:Lisa Ortiz|Lisa Ortiz]] – Buttercup, Mabel, and Lovely

== Japanese Voice Cast ==

{{Wikipedia}}
:[[w:Makiko Ohmoto|Makiko Ohmoto]] – Kirby, Hohhe, and Rick
:[[w:Sayuri Yoshida|Sayuri Yoshida]] – Fumu
:[[w:Rika Komatsu|Rika Komatsu]] – Bun 
:[[w:Kenichi Ogata (voice actor)|Kenichi Ogata]] – King Dedede
:[[w:Naoki Tatsuta|Naoki Tatsuta]] – Escargon
:[[w:Atsushi Kisaichi|Atsushi Kisaichi]] – Sir Meta Knight and Chief Borun
:[[w:Yuko Mizutani|Yuko Mizutani]] – Memu, Mabel, Waddle Doo, Lovely, Mini-Galbo, Walky, Phan-Phan, and Devil Frog
:[[w:Takashi Nagasako|Takashi Nagasako]] – Parm, Mayor Len, Professor Curio, and Beat 
:[[w:Chiro Kanzaki|Chiro Kanzaki]] – Lololo, Blade Knight, Kana, Iroo and Coo
:[[w:Madoka Akita|Madoka Akita]] – Lalala, Sato, Honey, Iroo's Mother, Princess Rona, Scarfy, and The Twin Nuts
:[[w:Osamu Hosoi|Osamu Hosoi]] – Gus, Whispy Woods, and Kittari Hattari
:[[w:Banjo Ginga|Banjo Ginga]] – Customer Service and Nightmare
:[[w:Fujiko Takimoto|Fujiko Takimoto]] – Tokkori and Honey's Mother 
:[[w:Hiroshi Naka|Hiroshi Naka]] – Dakonyo and Dr. Moro
:[[w:Isshin Chiba|Isshin Chiba]] – Yamikage and Monsieur Goan
:[[w:Kazunori Sekine|Kazunori Sekine]] – Dr. Yabui and Bibli
:[[w:Mizuki Saito|Mizuki Saito]] – Gangu and Tago
:[[w:Bin Shimada|Bin Shimada]] – Quixano
:[[w:Hikaru Tokita|Hikaru Tokita]] – Sword Knight
:[[w:Junichi Sugawara|Junichi Sugawara]] – Cook Osaka
:[[w:Kazue Ikura|Kazue Ikura]] – Broom King
:[[w:Keiko Yamamoto|Keiko Yamamoto]] – Escargon's Mother
:[[w:Minami Takayama|Minami Takayama]] – Knuckle Joe
:[[w:Kumiko Watanabe|Kumiko Watanabe]] – Benikage
:[[w:Norio Tsuboi|Norio Tsuboi]] – Chef Nagoya
:[[w:Shigeru Nakahara|Shigeru Nakahara]] – Mr. Chip
:[[w:Tomoe Hanba|Tomoe Hanba]] – Silica
:[[w:Tomomichi Nishimura|Tomomichi Nishimura]] – Master Bacteria
:[[w:Yuko Sasamoto|Yuko Sasamoto]] – Vee (Princess Rona)
:[[w:Yumi Toma|Yumi Toma]] – Rowlin

[[Category:Fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:Anime]]
[[Category:Japanese TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:FOX shows]]</text>
      <sha1>odtjq7lv97gr8p3zlfdmb1856ppp5xm</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147969</id>
      <parentid>3147966</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T01:50:36Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1702:3460:3310:A4F8:44D6:506B:B96D</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* [Episode 59] The Meal Moocher ([Episode 59] 最強番組, 直撃! 晩ごはん) */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="169209" xml:space="preserve">{{vfd-new}}

{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Kirby: Right Back at Ya!|Kirby: Right Back at Ya!]]''''', known in Japan as Hoshi no Kirby (星のカービィ Hoshi no Kābī, Kirby of the Stars), is a Japanese anime series created by Warpstar, Inc. and based on Nintendo's Kirby franchise. The series ran for one hundred episodes from October 6, 2001 to September 27, 2003. The series aired on Chubu-Nippon Broadcasting in Japan and in the United States on 4Kids TV; 4Kids Entertainment heavily edited the content in the process.

== [Episode 1] Kirby Comes to Cappy Town ([Episode 1] 出た! ピンクの訪問者)==
:'''Escargoon''': Monster!? That's ridiculous! There's no monster in this castle!
:'''Cappy''': Yes there is! It's big and it eats everything in sight!
:'''Escargoon''': That's King Dedede! There's no monster. Now why don't you go on back to your little trailer park so the King can have his supper in peace?
:'''Tiff''': Hey, wait a minute, Escargoon! Not so fast! ''[Tiff, her brother Tuff, and their parents Sir Ebrum and Lady Like appear]'' How do we know you're not lying again?
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, like you usually do?
:'''Escargoon''': You have no right to speak to me that way. Your parents should slap you silly.
:'''Tiff''': Papa, something funny's going on!
:'''Sir Ebrum''': You might be right, Tiff. A monster is the kind of thing that Dedede would love.
:'''Lady Like''': The king must be behind this!
:'''Escargoon''': You're court official. How dare you accuse his royal highness! ''[to King Dedede]'' Want me to check 'em in for a two-week stay in the dungeon, sweet kingey?
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Laughs and turns to face everyone else]'' A monster, huh? Would the monster happen to look anything that?
:''[He points to a fish tank containing a small octopus]''
:'''Cappy''': That's it! That's the monster! Except it was a hundred times bigger!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughs]'' Well you can see this ain't no monster, it's my new pet octopus. The only thing he likes to eat is sardines.
:''[He drops one in the tanks. The octopus eats it]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hehehehe. Little fella wouldn't hurt a fly less it was on the end of a fish hook!
:'''Escargoon''': Of course it wouldn't. Now get out and go back to your trailer park so the king can have his dessert! Go on! Poof, you're gone!
:''[Tiff runs up to the octopus. The two exchange stares]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kabu''': Tell me, citizens of Dreamland. For what purpose have you come to consult me?
:'''Sir Ebrum''': We seek your wisdom and knowledge Kabu! For three nights a giant monster has been stealing our sheep.
:'''Lady Like''': And it's robbing me of my beauty sleep.
:'''Mayor Len''': King Dedede says it's not his monster...
:'''Chief Bookem''': But I don't believe that rascal.
:'''Tuff''': You know the truth, Kabu!
:'''Tiff''': Please tell us where the monster is, Kabu, and how we can make it go away.
:'''Kabu''': The monster is here. And all of Dreamland is in grave danger.
:'''Tiff''': Why did he come here?
:'''Kabu''': It was called here by your own King Dedede. ''[in the distance, Dedede and Escargoon are watching from Dedede's tank]''
:'''Escargoon''': Sounds like the big Kabu-na's got your number, crownie.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[punches Escargoon on the head]'' That tattle-telling tiki!
:'''Kabu''': The monster was created, by one far more powerful than King Dedede.
:'''Chief Bookem''': I'd like to lock both of them up.
:'''Mayor Len''': What can we do to stop them?
:'''Kabu''': There is nothing you can do.
:''[Everyone is in shock]''
:'''Sir Ebrum''': Oh dear!
:'''Lady Like''': Oh dear me!
:'''Falala''': Is Dreamland doomed?
:'''Tiff''': Can anybody help, Kabu?
:'''Kabu''': There is one hope... a Star Warrior traveling through space... whose name is Kirby.
:'''Tiff''': Kirby.
:'''Tuff''': Yay, Kirby!
:'''Tiff''': Hmmm, bet he's cute!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[He and Escargoon enter]'' That's trash you're talking, Kabu. Ain't no such person as Kirby.
:'''Escargoon''': That's right. You're full of Kabu-loney.
:'''Kabu''': Kabu can see the future.
:'''King Dedede''': Then why don't you predict what's gonna happen when I push this here button?
:'''Kabu''': I predict you will not push it.
:'''King Dedede''': Hey Escargoon, did ya hear that one? ''[laughs]'' Well I predict you're dead wrong!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': It's gotta be impossible, but your name wouldn't happen to be &quot;Kirby&quot;?!
:'''Kirby''': Kirby! Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[After Kirby saves her from falling to her death]'' Kirby just saved my life.
:'''Tuff''': A monster wouldn't have done that, Tiff.
:'''Fololo''': You're right, Tuff.
:'''Falala''': Maybe Kirby is a Star Warrior.
:'''Tiff''': ''[dusting herself]'' Impossible, Falala. Warriors are big and strong, not pink and puffy! ''[Kirby walks by her, surprising her]''
:'''Tuff''': Hey, where are you going? ''[Kirby runs faster, and he, Fololo &amp; Falala give chase]'' Hey, wait up!
:'''Fololo''': He doesn't understand!
:'''Falala''': Don't let him get away, Fololo!
:'''Tiff''': Some warrior.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': My parents work for the King, and we live in the castle. In case you were wondering, my name's Tiff.
:'''Kirby''': Name Tiff.
:''(Tiff gasps)''
:'''Kirby''': Name Tiff!
:'''Tuff''': I'm her brother, Tuff.
:'''Kirby''': Tuff.
:'''Fololo''': And we're their friends Fololo...
:'''Falala''': ... and Falala!
:'''Kirby''': Fololo, Falala?
:'''Tuff''': Guess Kirby must be a baby warrior.
:''[Tiff, Tuff, Fololo, and Falala laugh]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Len''': ...And as Mayor of Cappy Town, I know I speak for everyone when I say we're pleased and proud to welcome our honored guest, the mighty Star Warrior Kirby.
:'''Chief Bookem''': I can speak for myself, thank you.
:'''Mayor Len''': Hah, we all know that, Chief Bookem.
:'''Tuff''': Let's hurry up and eat.
:'''Tiff''': Kirby doesn't understand what you're saying anyway.
:'''Mayor Len''': Then let's dig in, shall we?
:''[Kirby inhales everyone's dinner and then spits their accessories, plates, and silverware back out]''
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''Tuff''': ''[yells in frustration and falls face-first on the table surface]'' I knew I should've started eatin'.
:'''Tiff''': Hey, what's the big idea, Kirby?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Careful with that starship, snailbrain! Once we get it fixed, we can send Kirby back where he came from.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Why does he have to be so abusive? Self-esteem issues, anyone?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Welcome to Nightmare Enterprises, King Dedede. How may I assist you?
:'''King Dedede''': Look, pal, I don't like to complain, but I paid you folks a lot of money for an octopus monster and it turned out to be a little shrimp.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Just give it time, Your Highness, and I guarantee that little shrimp will grow on you.
:'''King Dedede''': Alright.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[screams upon seeing that Octacon has grown to its true size]'' HOLY CALAMARI!
:'''Escargoon''': Get back in your tank, you overgrown appetizer!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[tackles Escargoon]'' Find the receipt for this thing, 'cause I want my money back!
:'''Meta Knight''': You had better leave, Sire.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': ''[about what Kirby did to Octacon's miniature octopus]'' He sucked 'em up.
:'''Tiff''': Just like he sucked up our dinner.
:'''Meta Knight''': It is Kirby's classic defense - inhale.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': ''[about Kirby's transformation]'' That is Kirby's copy ability. After inhaling an attack, Kirby can transform himself. Kirby has now become... Fire Kirby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': There goes my refund.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, I do believe we've been starstruck.

== [Episode 2] A Blockbuster Battle ([Episode 2] 大変! 戦士のおうち探し)==
:'''King Dedede''': They look like rejects to me. I need something strong enough to get rid of Kirby...for good!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Kirby's sure striking out with the plates.
:'''King Dedede''': Then let's see if he can slide.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[about Blocky]'' This thing's even heavier than you, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah. Big enough to beat Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': You dumb blockhead!
:'''Escargoon''': We're sunk and so is he!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I'm gonna miss my little Blocky!
:'''Escargoon''': Well, Sire, it just goes to show you you shouldn't take your monsters for granite.

== [Episode 3] Kirby's Duel Role ([Episode 3] え! メタナイト卿と対決?) ==
:'''Tiff''': Meta Knight came here to see you, didn't he, Kabu?
:'''Kabu''': He came here to consult with me about the threat to the planet.
:'''Tiff''': Threat to the planet? What do you mean?
:'''Kabu''': There is a secret empire of evil ruled by one known as eNeMeE. ''[does a flashback to a shadowed Nightmare placing Chess monsters on the chessboard in his lair]'' It is his plan to control the entire universe. He creates monsters and delivers them to customers like Dedede, who do not know their true purpose. But eNeMeE made one grave mistake. ''[Nightmare grimaces in pain as the shadowed sphere he was about to place on the chessboard has just stabbed his finger with a sword]'' One creature was produced that would not obey his orders, and eNeMeE fears it may defeat him. ''[Nightmare furiously slams the chessboard as the flashback ends]''
:'''Tiff''': The creature must be... Kirby.
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, and that must be why eNeMeE's trying to get rid of him.
:'''Kabu''': That is the likely explanation.
:'''Tiff''': Well, we better get going. Thanks a lot, Kabu.
:'''Tuff''': Hey, Kabu. Where'd ya learn all that stuff?
:'''Kabu''': I learned it long ago, from Meta Knight.
:'''Tuff''': Say what?!
:'''Tiff''': From Meta Knight?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Well, that pink punk ain't gonna make a monkey out of King Dedede. ''[starts driving back to his castle only to be interrupted by Meta Knight]'' Outta my way, Meta Knight!
:'''Meta Knight''': Sire, it is my duty to warn you. Kirby has great power now.
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah? Well, who's the king around here, you or me?
:'''Escargoon''': Move it or lose it!
:'''Meta Knight''': It pains me to do this, sire. But I'm afraid I must. ''[kicks Dedede's tank downhill]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey! What's happening?!
:'''Escargoon''': We're going backwards!
:'''King Dedede''': I know that! Hit the brakes!
:'''Escargoon''': They won't hold, we're gonna crash!
:'''King Dedede''': Do something!
:'''Escargoon''': Like what?!
:'''King Dedede''': Break my fall!
:''[The tank reverses off a nearby cliff and crashes off-screen]''

== [Episode 4] Dark and Stormy Knight ([Episode 4] 星の戦士のひみつ) ==
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Sorry, Your Majesty. But our contract says that Kracko can't be sent backo! ''[laughs]''

== [Episode 5] Beware: Whispy Woods! ([Episode 5] 怒れ! ウィスピーウッズ) ==
:'''Tiff:''' Our planet's ecosystem is a marvel of symbiotic relationships among all living things large and small. Wow, isn't that amazing, Kirby? ''(notices Kirby is missing)'' Kirby? Kirby!
:'''Tuff:''' I guess Kirby must've got bored and went for a walk or something.

== [Episode 6] Un-Reality TV ([Episode 6] 見るぞい! チャンネルDDD)==
:'''Tiff''': WE USED TO HAVE LIVES BEFORE TELEVISION!!!!!

== [Episode 7] Kirby's Egg-Cellent Adventure ([Episode 7] 逆襲! ダイナブレイド) ==
:'''King Dedede''': Look at all the variety. There's shy birds, fly birds, blue birds, two birds, crazy birds, and lazy birds!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Remind me to install some escalators on this mountain.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[singing]'' ''♪ Dyna Blade had an egg she laid, E-I-E-I-O. But a handsome king had a plan he made, E-I-E-I-O. When Kirby eats that big old egg, Dyna Blade's gonna grab him by the leg, drag him away to a secret lair, finally get Kirby out of my hair. ♪'' Dyna Blade... Hey, look!
:'''Escargoon''': Let's hide.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Our deeds bind us to fate as surely as the sun sets.
:'''Tiff''': Could you say that in English?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Kirby, I was only kidding! You'd be too tough for anybody to eat.

== [Episode 8] Curio's Curious Discovery ([Episode 8] キュリオ氏の古代プププ文明) ==

:'''Tiff''': Remember what you always say. The most important thing isn't to show your theories right, but to dig all the way to the truth!

== [Episode 9] The Fofa Factor ([Episode 9] ロロロとラララ愛のメロディ)==
:'''Escargoon''': Sire, a message from your fortune teller.
:'''King Dedede''': Well? What's my soothsayer say?
:'''Escargoon''': I'm lookin', I'm lookin! It says, &quot;If you look for trouble, your trouble will double.&quot;
:'''King Dedede''': Hmph. What's that mumbo-gumbo supposed to mean?
:'''Escargoon''': I'm not sure, but there's more.
:'''King Dedede''': Good. Is it next week's lottery numbers?
:'''Escargoon''': If it was, I wouldn't tell you. It says, &quot;Your account is past due. Pay up, you cheap tightwad!&quot; ''[Dedede hammers him]'' Great. Just 'cause I'm a snail, I get slugged.
:'''King Dedede''': Well I'll show her. I'm ordering a new monster.
:'''Escargoon''': Did you order me some aspirin?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Say, you Cappies look kinda sheepish. Hah! Sheepish! That's a good one! ''[laughs]''
:'''Chief Bookem''': King Dedede! ''[Dedede looks at Bookem with a shocked expression on his face]'' Body-snatchin's illegal.
:'''King Dedede''': So what? You may have my body, but I'm still head around here!
:'''Mayor Len''': We demand you return us to normal, your highness. We're one furious flock!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Boy Kirby and Girl Kirby laugh]''
:'''Falala''': I think we'd better keep it down guys.
:'''Fololo''': Falala, they look just like us!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fofa''': No! Let me go, you creep! I don't wanna be sent to hurt anybody!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': All you can do is float in the air, you useless little clown. We're splitting you in two.
:'''Fofa''': In two?! No please, you can't!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': ''[after Slice n' Splice's sun rod has disintegrated]'' It's too late to use it now. The sun rod bit the dust.
:'''Tiff''': I'm really sorry that we couldn't put you two back together again.
:'''Falala''': That's okay. We may have two bodies...
:'''Fololo''': But we've got one heart. [he and Falala hug each other]

== [Episode 10] Hail to the Chief ([Episode 10] ボルン署長をリニュアルせよ)==
:'''Mayor Len''': Lunatics! This is a road, not a bumper car track!
:'''Escargoon''': It's your fault. I guess you haven't heard the King's always got the right of way.
:'''King Dedede''': Just ask the DDDMV!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': You could have been hurt in that crash, but luckily your stomach acts as a built-in airbag.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuggle''': The King's firing Chief Bookem?
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': There goes my doughnut sales.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Those bees gave me so many lumps that I feel like a bowl of oatmeal!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': ''[While Driving Dedede's Tank And Yelling At The Same Time]'' Driving sure is a lot harder than it looks!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Aw, my paper's in pieces! Grr... if that's how y'all gonna play it, i'm gonna up the ante!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief Bookem''': ''[to the bees, about Dedede and Escargoon]'' Company bee, arrest these crooks!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Leave us alone, don't pollinate something!
:'''King Dedede''': Don't you dare sting yo king!

== [Episode 11] The Big Taste Test ([Episode 11] 宮廷シェフ・カワサキ) ==
:'''Escargoon''': ''[shaking]'' You don't want to eat me! I'm bitter...r...r...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': What better way to honor your King than to let him sauté you?
:'''Escargoon''': ''[whimpering]'' I never thought I'd go like this...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[trying samples of Kawasaki's food]'' Tasteless! Nasty! Awful! This stinks! This too! Lousy! Putrid! Rancid! TREASON!!! Kawa-yucki, I oughta fry you up like a fritter!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': I know this came out of the oven, but it tastes like it came outta the sofa cushions!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': There's a word for this here stuff, and it ain't &quot;food&quot;!

== [Episode 12] Kirby's Pet Peeve ([Episode 15] 誕生? カービィのおとうと) ==
:'''King Dedede''': What's that thing he's got?
:'''Escargoon''': I don't know what he's got, but I've got whiplash.
:''(Kirby and the Robot Pet scream &quot;Poyo!&quot; and bark respectively at them, angrily)''
:'''King Dedede''': That's one of them computer canines! I want one of 'em, too. Where'd he get that?
:'''Escargoon''': I don't know. Probably from that toy shop in Cappy Town.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Now what do I look like, some little nitwit?
:'''Gengu''': I wouldn't say little. Definitely not.

== [Episode 13] Escargoon Squad ([Episode 12] デデデ城のユーレイ)==
:'''Meta Knight''': It appears you were able to shamboozle us all, Escargoon.
:'''Sir Ebrum''': By jove! You suddenly had me believing in ghosts.
:'''Lady Like''': Tuff, I'm ashamed of you!
:'''Tuff''': King Dedede is always doing stuff to scare us. Why shouldn't we scare him?
:'''Kirby''': Poyo!
:'''Tiff''': Well, I guess bad things happen to bad kings!
:''[Everyone in the room but Meta Knight burst out laughing]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[chasing Kirby, Tuff, Escargoon, Fololo And Falala]'' You all gonna be ghosts when I catch up with ya!

== [Episode 14] The Pillow Case ([Episode 14] 夢枕魔獣顔見勢) ==
:'''Escargoon''': What's wrong, Sire? I haven't seen you this mad since yesterday.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Take it easy on those turns.
:'''King Dedede''': Just hang on to my throne.
:'''Escargoon''': I'll hang on to the throne, Sire. It's my lunch I'm worried about.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I'm their number one customer, and they ought to acknowledge that once in a while.
:'''Escargoon''': Well, maybe they would if you pay the bill every once in a while.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Pillows? What're they for?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Haven't you ever used one? They're for sleeping.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[Hypnotized]'' Must destroy kirby. '''Destroy Kirby!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Lucky little lump.

== [Episode 15] A Fish Called Kine ([Episode 16] 私を愛したサカナ 私を愛したサカナ) ==
:'''Tiff''': A fish who can write...
:'''Kine''': A lot of fish are very educated because we spend so much time in schools.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Me, your girlfriend?!
:'''Tuff''': ''[Laughing]'' Yeah, Tiff. And he can be your Gillfriend!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Ah... the catch of the day.
:'''Tuff''': Stop! That's not sushi, that's Tiff's boyfriend!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Her... boyfriend?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': You see how dangerous it is?
:'''Tuff''': You're lucky. You must have nine lives.
:'''Kine''': Maybe that means I'm part catfish...

== [Episode 16] Flower Power ([Episode 18] 眠りの森のピンクボール) ==
:'''Fololo &amp; Falala''': Babagahara? I've heard of that place. No one who goes there has ever come back!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': This plant plan's startin' to grow on me.
:'''Dedede''': Yeah, that Pukey Flower's one bad blossom! It pops up little Noddy berries, the critters gobble them up, and the owners can't wake 'em. (laughs)
:'''Escargoon''': They think a wiff of the Pukey will wake them up, but then the Pukey eats them up!
:'''Dedede''': And now it's time for Kirby.
:'''Escargoon''': Lunch time. ''[the two burst into laughter]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirby''': ''[snoring, sleep-talking]'' Picnic...picnic...
:''[Tuff gasps]''
:'''Kirby''': ''[sleep-talking again]'' Pic...nic....

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Kirby! Glad you're okay, buddy!

== [Episode 17] Here Comes the Son ([Episode 19] ナックルジョーがやって来た!) ==
:'''King Dedede''': I happen to know just the Star Warrior you lookin' for.
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Then spill your guts, tubby.
:'''King Dedede''': Uhhh, tubby?
:'''Escargoon''': Hey wise guy, this is the king you're talking about! You can't insult him because he's fat! Or because he's a big ignoramus! Or because he's a tightwad...''[gets hammered by Dedede]''
:'''King Dedede''': '']clears throat]'' Sonny, I know just the Star Warrior you lookin' for, and his name's Kirby.
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Look out... Kirby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Knuckle Joe''': He wasn't a father. He was a weakling.
:'''Meta Knight''': Good. I am glad. That way, he will not have to see what a monster you have become. 
:'''Knuckle Joe''': What? I am not a monster! 
:'''Meta Knight''': Anyone who abandons his reason, and lives only by hatred, is a monster. 
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Grrr... 
:'''Tiff''': Knuckle Joe... What we do makes us all monsters. And now, look what you did to Kirby. 
:'''Knuckle Joe''': But I am not a monster! 
:'''Meta Knight''': But you lived by hatred. And hatred is what eNeMeE loves.

== [Episode 18] Dedede's Snow Job ([Episode 20] さよなら、雪だるまチリー) ==

== [Episode 19] A Princess in Dis-Dress ([Episode 21] 王女ローナの休日)==
:'''King Dedede''': ''(Practice proposal to Princess Rona)'' From the moment I laid my big ol' eyes on your big ol' head, I knew you were my love.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Cries]'' I wanna marry the pretty princess!
:'''Escargoon''': ''[at Princess Rona]'' Now you've broken the king's heart! ''(softly)'' How? I don't know, he doesn't have one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': My dreams are shattered. How will I ever fill this emptiness?
:'''Escargoon''': Ah, just do what you normally do. Have seven cheeseburgers.

== [Episode 20] Island of the Lost Warrior ([Episode 22] 孤島の決戦老兵は死なず!) ==
:'''Tuff''': What are we going to do, Tiff?
:'''Tiff''': I'm thinking! It takes time to come up with great ideas!
:''[Tiff's stomach growls]''
:'''Tiff''': ''[looking embarrassed]'' My stomach thinks it's a great idea for us to find some lunch now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Kirby, I'm sure glad you made friends with Sergeant Cosmos.
:'''Tuff''': Me too, but that guy's still kind of wacky.
:'''Tiff''': He's been stuck on this island so long he thinks the Star Warriors still have an army.
:'''Kit Cosmos''': ''[suddenly puts out Kirby and friends' fire that they were cooking their fish on]'' Are you kids out of your minds?! Lightin' a campfire at night will give away our position to the enemy!
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, except we don't have any enemies.
:'''Tiff''': And look. Now we don't have any dinner.
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Tough luck. During some of my missions, I went weeks with nothin' to eat but dirt! A real warrior don't need no fancy luxuries like food!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;	
:'''Kit Cosmos''': I salute you, Meta Knight!

== [Episode 21] The Empty Nest Mess ([Episode 23] 迷子のダイナベイビー)==
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon! Get this caterpillar off of me!
:'''Escargoon''': I guess I used too much formula, but at least we know it works!

== [Episode 22] Ninja Binge ([Episode 24] ニンジャ、ベニカゲ参上!)==
:'''Benikage''': Keep away from the scroll, or prepare to battle a real ninja!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Benikage''': ''[sniff]'' They're plastic anyway...''[cries]''

== [Episode 23] Like Mother, Like Snail/Escargoon Rules ([Episode 24] エスカルゴン、まぶたの母)==
:'''Tiff''': Who's so important to ya?
:'''Escargoon''': It's my... it's my... It's my mommy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon's Mother''': Ahh, it's still so hard for me to believe that I'm the mother of a king.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': You two's Escar-dentical!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Don't worry. That guy's just pretending to be king.
:'''Escargoon's Mother''': He's pretending? But why?
:'''Tiff''': It's his job to act crazy. Dedede's the court jester.
:'''Escargoon's Mother''': Court jester? You mean he's a clown?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[horrified, about his Drifter parachute]'' It's been De-De-Disintegrated!

== [Episode 24] Sword and Blade, Loyal and True/Hour of the WolfWrath ([Episode 26] 忠誠! ソードとブレイド) ==
:'''Escargoon''': (after WolfWrath has gotten away from him and Dedede) Ah, I don't think it's housebroken.
:'''Dedede''': That WolfWrath monster of yours better not wreck my castle. This ain't no doghouse!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I'm afraid WolfWrath doesn't take too well to training, Triple D. He's kind of a hot dog and if you try to break him, you'll get burned! ''[laughs]''
:'''Dedede''': Huh? It'll attack me?! ''[the N.M.E. Sales Guy laughs again]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[about WolfWrath's battle with Meta Knight]'' Look, it's battling Meta Knight, not Kirby!
:'''Dedede''': Grr... Meta Knight oughtta mind his own beeswax and let WolfWrath turn Kirby into toast!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Don't sweat it, Triple D. That monster can wipe out a whole army of Star Warriors.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': KITCHEEEEENNNNN!!! Where's the chow, ya chowder-heads? His highness is hungry up here!
:'''Waddle Doo''': But we just served the king a ten-course meal.
:'''Dedede''': All of them appetizers was un-appetizin'. Bring me ten different courses and make it snappy!
:'''Waddle Doo''': Right! ''[he and the Waddle Dees make another ten-course meal and start bringing it to the king]'' Hup, two, three, four, we bring the food and he wants more, five, six, seven, eight, the king had better watch his weight.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sword Knight''': We should have stayed to protect Kirby.
:'''Blade Knight''': ''[mumbling]'' Our promise.
:'''Sword Knight''': We're sorry, kids. We won't let it happen again.
:'''Tiff''': That's okay. The only reason you two were reckless was because you knew Meta Knight was in trouble.
:'''Tuff''': You guys sure are loyal to him. How'd you meet him?
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''Blade Knight''': ''*mumbling*'' Long time ago.
:'''Sword Knight''': Back when Meta Knight and the Star Warriors were battling Nightmare's monster armies. ''(begins flashback)'' The struggle turned the whole galaxy into a wasteland. To survive, we became bandits.
:''[Meta Knight is running up the side of the canyon when Blade Knight and Sword Knight step in his way]''
:'''Meta Knight''': Out of my way. Let me pass!
:'''Sword Knight''': Oh, we'll be happy to let you pass, for a price.
:''[Blade Knight mumbling]''
:'''Meta Knight''': I have no time for your games. The monster that is chasing me is truly dangerous.
:'''Sword Knight''': We're dangerous too.
:'''Meta Knight''': I warn you. Leave now while you still have a chance.
:''[WolfWrath's howl is heard above all three as it leaps down and attacks by surprise]''
:'''Blade Knight''': Away! Away! ''[mumbling]''
:''[Sword Knight attacks but is thrown aside by WolfWrath. It spits a fireball at them only for it to be reflected back by Meta Knight]''
:'''Meta Knight''': Run. Quickly! ''[Blade Knight and Sword Knight hide as he then fights back against WolfWrath and ultimately forces it into a nearby lake as the flashback ends]''
:'''Sword Knight''': We were just a pair of lousy crooks.
:'''Blade Knight''': Meta Knight ''*mumbling*'' rescued us.
:'''Tiff''': So that's why you follow him.
:'''Tuff''': 'Cause he saved you both.
:'''Sword Knight''': ''[about the weapons hung on the wall of their master's living room]'' Those things on the wall... We used them to rob and steal. Now they remind us of what fools we were before we met Meta Knight.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dedede''': ''[snacking on his latest ten-course meal]'' What's taking them guards so long to track my monster?
:'''Escargoon''': Finish your snack, sire. I'm checking the cameras. ''[sees WolfWrath blowing fire everywhere it goes, even at the cameras]'' Ahh! What's it doing?! ''[sees even more of the castle halls on fire]'' Ah! WolfWrath's a fire dog!
:'''Dedede''': ''[gasps in anger and starts yelling at the N.M.E. Sales Guy]'' What're you trying to pull here?! That monster's barbecuing my whole castle!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Oops! I guess I forgot to mention that. WolfWrath needs to set fires to get the strength for its attacks.
:'''Dedede''': ''[growling with anger, he's finally had enough and he gives an order to the Waddle Dees]'' Throw that WolfWrath outta here!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sword Knight''': Blade. Remember how Meta Knight saved us when WolfWrath cornered us?
:'''Blade Knight''': Hm. Aye. ''[mumbling]''
:''(flashback to when Meta Knight and WolfWrath fell into the nearby lake)''
:'''Sword Knight''': Water is WolfWrath's one weakness.
:'''Blade Knight''': ''[mumbling]'' Put it out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sword Knight''': Brings back memories, don't it, Blade?
:'''Blade Knight''': ''[mumbling]''
:''[last flashback of the episode begins, showing both Sword and Blade kneeling behind Meta Knight]''
:'''Meta Knight''': So. Are you two sure you want to join me?
:'''Blade Knight''': You're ''[mumbling]'' great warrior.
:'''Sword Knight''': We want to make your cause our cause.
:'''Meta Knight''': I will tell you what we must do. We must search for a new warrior... one who will defeat eNeMeE and bring justice to our galaxy.
:'''Sword Knight''': From that moment on, we became Meta Knight's followers.
:'''Blade Knight''': And, ''[mumbling]'' loyal to him.
:''[both Sword Knight and Blade Knight look on proudly at Kirby's triumphant pose with Galaxia as light from the sky shines down on him]''

== [Episode 25] The Flower Plot ([Episode 27] 恋に落ちたウィスピーウッズ) ==
:'''Lovely''': ''(to Whispy Woods)'' But Whispy, these oxygen-breathers can't possibly mean more to you than I do.

== [Episode 26] Labor Daze ([Episode 28] 恐怖のデデデ・ファクトリー) ==
:'''Tiff''': Dedede made us think he was making appliances, but he was really building a giant robot.
:'''Tuff''': That creep! I'd like to tear it apart with my bare hands!

== [Episode 27] The Hot Shot Chef / A Spice Oddysey ([Episode 29] 激辛! ファミレス戦争)==
:'''King Dedede''': Yuck! &lt;big&gt;Yuck!!&lt;/big&gt; &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''YUCK!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; This slop ain't fit for a doggone dog! There's gotta be something here that's eatable! ''[takes a bite of a salad, chews for a few seconds then bursts into tears]'' I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!
:'''Escargoon''': But Majesty, we've got other choices. Instant noodles, cat food, crunchy liver-and-bacon dog treats, hmm? ''[Dedede looms over him]''
:'''King Dedede''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''I WANT SOMETHIN' TASTY!!!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:''[later, at Restaurant Kawasaki...]''
:'''King Dedede''': Yuck! &lt;big&gt;Yuck!!&lt;/big&gt; &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''YUCK!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; THIS TASTES LIKE TRASH!!! Kawasaki, ain't you got nothing digestion-able in this here dump!?
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Sorry, Sire. That's every dish on the menu.
:'''King Dedede''': You ain't no chef, YOU'RE A GARBAGEMAN!!
:'''Escargoon''': Come clean, Kawasaki. All chefs have secret recipes. Don't hold out on us!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I'm not! That's all I have!
:'''King Dedede''': What a loser. Let's get out of here.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': But what about your bill?
:'''King Dedede''': Forget it, pizza-face! ''[throws a pizza at Kawasaki]''
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': ''[tastes the pizza]'' It tastes okay to me...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I need a top-class chef for my new restaurant.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': You owning a restaurant is like a termite owning a lumber yard.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Monsieur Goan''': Tornato.
:'''King Dedede''': Tornado?
:'''Escargoon''': Not tornado. Tornato. It's a fancy foreign language, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': I was joking, ya beanhead!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I can't even give my food away.
:'''Tuff''': What are you gonna do?
:'''Tiff''': I guess you can always pay people to eat here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': ''[sighs]'' He was my only customer and I turned him into a flamethrower...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': It's done. This dish is so hot, it may burn through the pot. I call it Toxic Atomic Curry. When they get a taste of this, I'll be the hottest chef in town! ''[laughs maniacally]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[gasp]'' You're on fire!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Hahahaa-haha! Atomic Curry!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Kirby's in trouble!
:'''Tiff''': That monster knows every trick in the book!
:'''Meta Knight''': You mean in the cookbook!
:'''Tiff''': Hey, that's a pretty good one!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Laughing]'' Won't be long now, Kirby!
:'''Kirby''': ''[freezes]''
:'''Tiff''': Kirby!
:'''Escargoon''': Relax, you'll feel a lot better when you try a bracing bowl of Kirby sorbet.
:'''King Dedede''': Just chill out, Kirby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Yeah! He's Fire Kirby!
:'''Meta Knight''': No, that's the heartburn from Kawasaki's cooking.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I finally out-spiced Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Alright, what's this all about a punishment?
:'''King Dedede''': If you ask me, it's punishment enough to mangle with the peasants!

== [Episode 28] Hatch Me if You Can ([Episode 30] カービィの謎のタマゴ)==
:'''Chief Bookem''': Hmm. No missing egg reports coming yet. Nobody broke into any nests, lately. I guess Kirby can go back to sittin' on the egg.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Well, they're not gonna be any help. I'm gonna have to crack this egg case myself.

== [Episode 29] Cappy New Year ([Episode 13] ププビレッジ年忘れ花火大会)==
:'''King Dedede''': This new year's gonna be a blast. ''[laughs]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': We can create our own celebration. We can do whatever we want to!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': That monster's a pyrotechnomaniac!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': It's almost midnight! So ten...
:'''Everyone else''': ...nine... eight... seven... six... five... four... three... two... one... ''[fireworks occur behind Parasol Kirby]'' HAPPY NEW YEAR!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo! ''[waves to everybody as fireworks shaped like the sentence HAPPY NEW YEAR appear behind him]''

== [Episode 30] Abusement Park ([Episode 31] ビバ! デデベガスへようこそ)==
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''[about Mike Kirby's singing]'' It's like he's scratching down a chalkboard! I can't take it! I'm sending Kirby back...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': I fear Microphone Kirby may be Kirby's most powerful form!
:'''Tiff''': Now you tell me!

== [Episode 31] Junk Jam ([Episode 33 え〜っ! 宇宙のゴミ捨て場) ==
:'''Tuff''': Kirby, doesn't your stomach ever get tired?

== [Episode 32] The Kirby Derby - Part I ([Episode 35] 栄光のプププグランプリ (前編))==
:'''King Dedede''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''I'M GONNA GET THAT GOOFBALL!!!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Tuff, I almost got run over! You should stick to a tricycle!

== [Episode 33] The Kirby Derby - Part II ([Episode 36] 栄光のプププグランプリ (後編)) ==
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': You and I were married forty years ago today. That's why I wanted to win so badly!

== [Episode 34] A Recipe for Disaster ([Episode 34] 究極鉄人、コックオオサカ)==
:'''King Dedede''': I paid Nightmare Enterprises a heap o' money so they can send me a heap o' popcorn?

== [Episode 35] Watermelon Felon ([Episode 37] お昼のデデデワイドをつぶせ!)==
:'''Meta Knight''': Sometimes the pen is mightier than the sword.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Well, you got a problem with me, pinky?
:'''Kirby''': ''[Barfs out the newspapers and the newspapers flood the castle]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''[in reaction to King Dedede uploading the millions of newspapers that Kirby flooded his entire castle with to Nightmare's Fortress]'' HEY! What do you think you're doing?!
:'''King Dedede''': There's a lot more where that came from. Nobody wants these newspapers anymore, so I gotta put 'em somewhere.

== [Episode 36] Escar-Gone ([Episode 39] 忘却のエスカルゴン) ==
:'''Meta Knight''': Tiff. Have you ever met that snail before?
:'''Tiff''': Never. I was just being nice to him because he seemed so upset.
:'''Meta Knight''': Hmmm. We've never met, but somehow he knew both of our names.
:'''Tiff''': I think the guy's missing a few marbles.
:'''Meta Knight''': Maybe so. We'd better keep an eye on him in case his condition worsens.
:'''Tiff''': I wonder if his name really is Escargoon...
:'''Escargoon''': ''[having overheard Tiff &amp; Meta Knight's conversation and realizing they've forgotten him as well]'' Oh, mercy! This is the darkest day of my life! ''[runs away crying]''

== [Episode 37] Monster Management ([Episode 40] 魔獣ハンターナックルジョー!)==
:'''King Dedede''': Ahh, ''[chuckles]'' Ain't nothin' like starting the day off with bubblin' bath!
:'''Escargoon''': It's great to be king.
:'''King Dedede''': Mmm-hm.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Our new management director suggested that we give you a hands-on demonstration. I believe you've met. Say hello, Joe.
:'''Knuckle Joe''': ''[turns around smiling while donning his new business suit]'' That's Knuckle Joe!
:''[King Dedede &amp; Escargoon's jaws drop in a huge state of surprise]''
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Nice to see you again, tubby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': Hey! Quit pluckin' my plumage, bub!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Knuckle Joe ain't qualified to work for N.M.E.!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': But Joe! I thought you wanted to battle on the side of the good guys!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': What a mess. It's gonna be monster mayhem! Well, I sure hope Kirby took his vitamins today.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[several Mini-Monsters rampage throughout Cappy Town, causing as much trouble as they want and wrecking as many things as they can find]''
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Ah! Knock it off, you lowlifes, or at least order something!
:'''Tuggle''': Yo! No piggin' out at my place without payin'!
:''[Knuckle Joe watches the chaos unfold in Cappy Town from a rooftop]''
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Perfect. Just like I planned.
:''[pan to more trouble caused in Cappy Town by the Mini-Monsters]''
:'''Prof. Curio''': Ah! That urn's an antique you uncultured brute!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': You are putting the planet in danger!
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Just trying to keep my bosses happy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Oh, that Knuckle Joe! Why did he make all this trouble?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Masher is a real heavyweight.
:'''Tiff''': ''[Replying to Meta Knight about Masher being a real heavyweight]'' You said it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Knuckle Joe leaps down, tosses away his business suit, and charges in to join in Masher's beatdown of Kirby]''
:'''Tiff''': Knuckle Joe! ''[starts shedding tears]'' Please don't do it.
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Get ready, Kirby. Your time is up! Vulcan Jab, Vulcan Jab, Vulcan Jab! ''(starts pounding on Kirby as well)''
:'''Tiff''': Poor Kirby.
:'''Tuff''': One bad guy was enough. How can Kirby win two against one?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[in reaction to Knuckle Joe's sudden betrayal against Masher]'' Hey! You was supposed to clobber Kirby, not mess with Masher!
:'''Knuckle Joe''': I tricked ya!
:''[everyone reacts in surprise]''
:'''Knuckle Joe''': It took a long time to plan, but it was worth it. I'm a monster hunter now, and I wanted to bag one of the big ones. That meant going after Masher!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Hmmm. So you hunted down Masher... with a suit and tie?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dedede''': That's De-de-devious! ''[laughing]''
:'''Escargoon''': What are you laughing at? Knuckle Joe just made you look like a knucklehead.
:'''Dedede''': AAAAH! You two-timer! Nobody monkeys with Triple D!
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Sorry, tubby. Too late!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I must take full responsibility, sir. It seems I fell for Joe's trick and...
:'''eNeMeE''': Forget it! Let the fools think they've beaten us. When they let their guard down, we'll teach them a lethal lesson. ''[laughs evilly]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': You were like a double agent, Joe!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Hunting down monsters throughout the universe... Joe, your father would be proud.

== [Episode 38] Prediction Predicament - Part I ([Episode 41] メーベルの大予言! (前編)) ==
:'''King Dedede''': Eh, What Happened?
:'''Escargoon''': You were sleepwalking, that's what happened! Or should I say you were sleepwhacking!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[screams]'' Kirbeh's after me again! ''[runs away]''
:'''Kirby''': ''[runs towards King Dedede]'' Poyo!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[runs faster]'' You keep dem fangs away from me, pinkeh!
:'''Kirby''': ''[runs faster]'' Payo, yayo!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mabel''': The monster that has been haunting you is your conscience, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': What's a conscience?
:'''Mabel''': It is the goodness that lies in the deepest part of you.
:'''Escargoon''': Oh please. The only thing lying in the deepest part of him is a fried cheese log.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Wonder what Dedede's up to?
:'''Tiff''': Based on past experience, I think it's safe to say it's something stupid.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': [about Phantom Star Gerath] Thousand years away, hmm? I don't know about our little friends, but I for one am feeling kind of impatient. What do you say we speed up the process just a little bit?
:'''Nightmare''': What a wonderful idea. ''[laughs evilly]''

== [Episode 39] Prediction Predicament - Part II ([Episode 42] メーベルの大予言! (後編)) ==
:'''Meta Knight''': Mice will always scamper away from a ship before it sinks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': Kirby... Any moment now we'll be dust in the wind. We've always been the best of buddies, huh, Kirby? Huh? Kirby? KIRBY!! Listen when I'm talkin' to ya!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': You did it! You lovable lug, you! You finally listened to your heart for once!

== [Episode 40] Sheepwrecked ([Episode 43] ヒツジたちの反逆)==
:'''Amon''': The time has come! We must defeat our oppressors. Our natural meekness has been mistaken for weakness, but from this day forward, we will not behave like simpering sheep, but like ravenous wolves. Throughout history, we have been dominated by fear. But now our oppressors will learn to fear us!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[flocks of angry sheep rampage throughout Cappy Town, eating as much food as they can find while also wrecking as many antiques as possible]''
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I knew sheep liked grass, but who knew they liked my food?
:'''Prof. Curio''': Oh, you can't go tearing up my shop like a pack of wolves!
:'''Tuggle''': Hey, you're getting wool all over my merchandise there.
:'''Amon''': You have done well. Dream Land is now at our mercy, but we will show no mercy. We will conquer this planet, my friends... and soon, the entire universe! ''[he and the other sheep howl triumphantly in unison]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amon''': Now you Cappies are the shuddering sheep, and the wicked wolves are in charge.
:'''Cappy''': Alright, what do you want us to do?
:'''Amon''': All of you, BAA!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Baa, Baa?
:'''Prof. Curio''': Baa, Baa...
:'''Amon''': I said, all of you! I command you! BAA!!!!!
:''[The Cappies and Waddle Dees Baa like sheep]''
:'''Amon''': Louder, or the wolves will get angry.
:''[The Cappies and Waddle Dees Baa even louder]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amon''': I command you. BAA! Or you will suffer the consequences! Those who disobey me will face the chopping block!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amon''': These cowards don't deserve their freedom.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amon''': There must be others like me. Others who yearn for freedom. I will seek them out, and perhaps one day I will lead a new flock.

== [Episode 41] War of the Woods ([Episode 44] ウィスピーウッズの友アコル)==
:'''Whispy Woods''': ''[about Acore]'' I can't be certain. He's been around for 800 years. There are many perils at such a great age.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': TUFF! 
:'''Tuff''': Ah! Hey Tiff, what's wrong? How come you look so mad?
:'''Tiff''': You know why! You were fighting!
:'''Iro''': We were just helping this old tree.
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, Whispy Woods asked us to.
:'''Tiff''': Oh really so Whispy Woods asked you to kick out those animals?
:'''Tuff''': Well, not exactly...
:'''Tiff''': Of course not. Because those animals helped that tree by living in it!
:'''Tuff, Iro, Spikehead And Honey''': Huh!?
:'''Kirby''': Poyo?
:'''Coo''': Acore provides us with a place to stay. And in exchange, we harm those insects and enrich the soil.
:'''Tiff''': That's right. Kicking them out was a mistake!
:'''Tuff, Iro, Spikehead And Honey''': [Sadly] Aw...
:'''Tuff''': We were only trying to help...
:'''Tokkori''': Well, ya didn't. Thanks to you that tree's even worse off than before!
:'''Coo''': You helped them too, Tokkori.
:'''Tokkori''': Yeah, I forgot that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Save the tears for your golf score, Sire.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon!
:'''Escargoon''': Your majesty! Come back!
:'''King Dedede''': We've been De-De-Divided!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Please don't fall, Acore!
:'''Tokkori''': It's too much! We can't hold 'im!
:'''Tiff''': Yes we can, just push!
:'''Coo''': We can't give up!
:'''Rick''': We can't let our friend come crashin' to the ground, mates!
:''[meanwhile, King Dedede and Escargoon are watching Kirby and co.'s valiant efforts to keep Acore standing from atop a nearby cliff]''
:'''King Dedede''': Heh heh heh heh heh. Them do-gooders think we gave up!
:'''Escargoon''': They're always overestimating our common sense. ''[has the Grasshopper Eavesdropper detonate near a nearby waterfall, causing a flood in one final attempt to destroy Acore]''

== [Episode 42] Pink-Collar Blues ([Episode 47] 帰れ、愛しのワドルディ)==
:'''Escargoon''': Believe me, it'll be cheaper than your hospital bill if you have to eat my cooking.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Don't Eat It!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon! Let's play some putt-putt!
:'''Escargoon''': I don't have time to watch you cheat at miniature golf. My entire life savings are in jeopardy!
:'''King Dedede''': Whadda ya mean I cheat?
:'''Escargoon''': Oops.
:'''King Dedede''': I ain't never cheated at miniature golf!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirby''': Poooyooooo! Poyo! ''[laughs cutely]'' Poyo! Poy!

== [Episode 43] Tourist Trap ([Episode 48] プププランド観光ツアー) ==
:'''Tiff''': Kabu here is not only extremely ancient, but he's also the wisest-- ''[notices the tourists throwing coins into Kabu's insides and gasps]'' Hey, no throwing coins!
:''[the tourists continue to throw coins into Kabu anyway]''
:'''King Dedede''': Let them folks toss away. It's free money.
:''[the tourists start painting graffiti all over Kabu]''
:'''Tuff''': Tiff, look what they're doin'! ''(Tiff notices what the tourists are now doing to Kabu)'' Knock it off!
:'''Tiff''': Kabu's one of the greatest treasures in Dream Land!
:''[the tourists bicker back at her in a foreign language]''
:'''Waddle Doo''': Chill out. We do this every place we visit.
:'''Tiff''': How rude!
:'''Escargoon''': Ah, who cares? It's just a talking tiki. Let's move it!
:''[King Dedede laughing]''
:''[the tourists prepare to leave for their next destination]''
:'''Tiff''': I'm sorry, Kabu. We'll come back and clean you up.
:'''Kabu''': I could use some moisturizer too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waddle Doo''': ''[to the tourists, pointing to his flask of ice]'' Shibi ton pa, ha ta sai Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': As far as tourism goes, Sire, here's my opinion. You might as well rename Dream Land &quot;Snoozeville&quot;!
:'''King Dedede''': Well, as far as I'm concerned, them tourists can take a hike!

== [Episode 44] A Novel Approach ([Episode 38] 読むぞい! 驚異のミリオンセラー)==
:'''King Dedede''': Somebody stole all the pictures out of this here book! It's all gobbledygook here.
:'''Escargoon''': They're words.
:''[Beat]''
:'''Escargoon''': Arghh! You rule a Kingdom and you don't even know how to read?
:''[Beat]''
:'''King Dedede''': Course I know how to read, you dummy! I learned how to before I got expelled from kindergarten!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Give me that book! I'm only up to chapter 2!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': They must be under a spell. Knock it off, King Dedede is using this game to hurt Kirby!
:'''Rowlin [Fake]''': It's too late Tiff, you can't break my spell. ''[evily laughs]''
:'''Rowlin''': You imposter! How dare you be me.
:'''Tiff''': So then you're the real author?
:'''Rowlin''': You've been hoodwinked by her. She didn't create Pappy Pottey!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rowlin''': No matter how sad we feel or how bad our circumstances, we can use our imaginations to dream something better. We should never give up on our dreams because they're what build our tomorrows!

== [Episode 45] Snack Attack - Part I ([Episode 52] 悪魔のチョコカプセル! (前編)) ==
:'''King Dedede''': I want all them candies with mini-figures in this here store!
:'''Tuggle''': Every single one of 'em?
:'''Gengu''': I don't know.
:'''King Dedede''': Perhaps this'll persuade ya. ''[laughs as he places blocks of money at Tuggle &amp; Gengu's counter to their delight]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Hmm... So they think my mini figure will be popular. Hmm... I like that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief Bookem''': ''(to Dedede)'' I'm sorry, Your Highness, but I gotta do my duty. Next time you wanna steal, just raise our taxes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I felt like a zoo animal sitting in that jail cell.
:'''Escargoon''': No self-respecting zoo would take you.

== [Episode 46] Snack Attack - Part II ([Episode 53] 悪魔のチョコカプセル! (後編)) ==
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': You've got to think creatively, D. The monsters were designed to look like toys, so they could play around with their enemies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Can't tell a crook by its blubber!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': This is perfect.
:'''Tiff''': What're you talking about?
:'''Tuff''': It's over. Kirby's gonna lose the match.
:'''Meta Knight''': In order to mature, Kirby must be pushed to his utmost limits. Only then will he learn to exceed them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Uh oh. Kirby's gonna get pulverized.
:'''Tiff''': That wrestler's too big.
:'''Meta Knight''': Every opponent has a weakness.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''*laughs*'' I tried to sell you more fighting monsters, but you decided to pinch your pennies. Now you're stuck with the junk, Big D.
:'''King Dedede''': I'll never collect nothin' again!

== [Episode 47] Cartoon Buffoon ([Episode 49] アニメ新番組星のデデデ) ==
:'''King Dedede''': Do y'all know how to tell a story? Do y'all know how to draw 'til your fingers fall off? Do y'all know how to color inside the lines? Then we want YOU! ''[Laughs]'' I'm the most important person in this whole jointhouse! Heck, I'm the producer!
:'''Spikehead''': A producer? What does a producer do?
:'''Iro''': A producer doesn't do anything.
:'''Escargoon''': Hmmmm, they gotcha there, Majesty.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[the Cappies present their poorly-drawn pictures of Dedede Man]''
:'''Mayor Len''': I think I've really captured you, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[tears the drawing out of Len's hand]'' I oughtta capture you!
:'''Iro''': What do you think, Your Majesty?
:'''King Dedede''': ''[tears the drawing out of Iro's hand]'' I think it stinks!
:'''Tuggle''': Pretty good, huh?
:'''King Dedede''': ''[tears the drawing out of Tuggle's hand]'' Pretty awful!
:'''Melman''': I slimmed you down a bit.
:'''King Dedede''': ''(yells as he tears the drawing out of Melman's hand]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': All you lazy louts better be workin'!
:'''Chief Bookem''': Lazy?!
:'''Mayor Len''': With all due respect, we're working as hard as we can.
:'''King Dedede''': If you don't get crackin', I'm gonna have to give you all a whackin'!
:'''Escargoon''': ''[Grunts]'' We'd better air what we just have.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[the altered opening of King Dedede's new show starts playing''
:'''King Dedede''': ''[singing to the opening]'' Dedede! That's the name you should know! Dedede! He's the king of the show! You'll holler and hoot, he'll give Kirby the boot! Dedede's the one!
:'''Tiff''': ''[reacting to the new show's altered opening]'' Hey! Kirby's supposed to be the star!
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, now it's about Dedede.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Okay, guys. Get ready.
:'''Tuff''': Our lines are coming up.
:'''Meta Knight''': Tiff, I am nervous. I have never... acted before.
:'''Tiff''': Don't worry. You'll do great.
:'''Meta Knight''': Thank you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Hehehe I AM A SUPAHSTAR WARRIAH heh.
:'''Tiff''': &quot;Dedede Saves the Day&quot;? Hey, wait! Where'd that title come from?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': That cheat! Dedede made Kirby look like the bad guy!
:'''Tuff''': He must've switched stuff around while we weren't looking.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Good morning, Majesty.
:'''Dedede''': Well, if it ain't my faithful servant, Escargoon!
:'''Escargoon''': My, aren't you looking fit as a fiddle!
:'''Dedede''': You're downright spiffy yourself.
:'''Escargoon''': Have you seen Kirby today, Majesty?
:'''Dedede''': He don't scare me none!
:'''Tiff''': Those two changed my script so they look like heroes! ''[Growls]''
:'''Tuff''': If Dedede and Escargoon are heroes, this sure isn't a reality show.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': We're right behind you majesty. You're a hero to us all!
:'''King Dedede''': Oh come now. Little ol' me a hero? Surely you jestin'!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Look! It is Fire Dedede, our Hero! ''[to You]'' I would never say that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Look at that charisma!
:'''Escargoon''': Majesty, we're gonna have to ad-lib this part, we never wrote the last two pages of the script!
:'''King Dedede''': Ad-lib? YOU COULDN'T TELL ME THIS BEFORE, YOU SCATTERBRAINED ''[As he hits Escargoon with his mallet]'' SLUG?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Sigh]'' All this animation's giving me palpitation!
:'''Escargoon''': I'll never direct another cartoon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Hey, this is great!
:'''Tiff''': It's one of those shows that's so bad it's good!

== [Episode 48] Don't Bank on It ([Episode 50] 貯めるぞい! のろいの貯金箱) ==
:'''King Dedede''': Time for me to work on my hypno-doot-dooey.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''(speaking through the Dedede Dolls)'' Dedede... You like me... Dedede... You trust me...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Have you ever wondered how all that money got there in the first place?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Sleep tight. You gonna be in for a rude awakening.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Dedede is tired. I ain't gettin' no rest. If I can't sleep, then neither can you fools! WAKE UP! ''[starts psychically using his Dedede Dolls to pummel the residents of Cappy Town, laughing all the while, except for Tiff, who already locked up her own doll inside one of her drawers before going to sleep]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': That's one dangerous doll. Last night, it stomped me without any warning. Kick that thing out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Hey! Quit strangling me!
:'''Escargoon''': I'm only trying to prevent something terrible from happening to you, Sire!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': We're broke. We're right back where we've started, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': I can't afford to buy no more monsters. ''[cries]'' But I still got one doll left so's I can get my revenge!
:'''Escargoon''': I dunno. Playing with dolls can be hazardous to your health.
:'''King Dedede''': That don't matter none to me so long as I get that Kirby! ''[laughs]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Now that's embarrassing.
:'''Escargoon''': Honey, you don't know the meaning of embarrassing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': Turn into Doll Kirby!
:''[Kirby jumps up in an attempt to transform and gain the ability of the Dedede Doll he just inhaled, but falls back down, unable to gain any ability]''
:'''Tokkori''': Figures. Guess you don't have enough brains to be a doll.

== [Episode 49] Kirby Takes the Cake ([Episode 51] センチメンタル・カービィ) ==
:'''Tuff''': Hah! This is fun. I bet Kirby doesn't know a thing about his surprise party.
:'''Tiff''': Probably. He hardly knows anything.
:'''Tuff, Spikehead, Iro, &amp; Honey''': That's true.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Len''': Kirby, I didn't see you there! This is no place for you, I'm afraid.
:'''Prof. Curio''': That's right. We're busy, so, uh... Run along.
:'''Mayor Len''': Shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo. ''[Kirby begins to leave]'' Bye bye, Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief Bookem''': Oh! Sorry, Kirby. Lots to do today. Gotta apprehend a couple of donuts!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': That there's a weapon of mass Dedede-struction.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': You saw it! This whole town's revoltin'!
:'''Escargoon''': You said it!
:'''King Dedede''': They lookin' to dispossess me and tarnish the reputation of the Dedede Dynasty! Them ungrateful ingrates!
:'''Escargoon''': After all you've done to them!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[growls]'' I'll stamp out them double-crossers! How can them Cappies Dedede-throne ME?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': I saw this coming. After all, a ruler like you is loud, mean, nasty, sneaky, self-centered...''[King Dedede angrily flattens him, weakly]''...did I mention violent...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Hey there, Triple D. What up?
:'''King Dedede''': I'll tell you what's up. I need you to send me your most powerful monster!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Our most powerful monster? Sounds urgent.
:'''King Dedede''': You bet it's urgent! I'm about to become the victim of a Cappy-comb!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I think I've got one for you, but I should warn ya. He's a bit of a slippery character.
:'''King Dedede''': Whadda ya mean?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': You see, he has trouble distinguishing between friend and foe. Poor little fella gets confused sometimes. I'd wanna handle this one with care, Big D!
:'''King Dedede''': You send it over and we'll handle it real good!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': What's that? Nobody wants to play with ya? ''[bursts out laughing about what Kirby told him]'' Nobody wants to play with ya, 'cause nobody likes ya!
:'''Kirby''': ''[shocked by what Tokkori just said to him]'' POYO?!
:'''Tokkori''': Ever since you got here, you've been a pink pain in the neck. As usual, I'm the only one around here with the guts to tell you the truth! Everybody says that Kirby is nothin' but trouble. If I was you, I'd fly the coop cause you ain't welcome here, Sonny! ''[Kirby starts packing up]'' With you outta the way, things would finally get back to normal, and I could take over this cottage permanent. Booooy, wouldn't that be the day? ''[notices that Kirby's gone]'' Huh? Kirby? Where'd that boy go?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kabu''': Wait! Do not go. You are troubled, my friend, and your heart is full of sorrow. One year has passed since you came to Dream Land.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': Ah! There ya are! Hey, next time you run away, tell me where you're goin', would ya? I've been lookin' high and low for ya. Yer girlfriend's plenty steamed at me cause a' you. Come on! Get movin'! Everybody in Cappy Town's goin' crazy worryin', so come on back home!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': A whole year has passed. How quickly time flies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': I'm sorry, Kirby. We didn't play with you because we didn't want to ruin the surprise for you. We wouldn't want to hurt you for anything, Kirby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': They really outdid themselves there. I've heard of pretty girls poppin' outta cakes, but this is even better!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': That's new.
:'''Tuff''': What mode is that, Meta Knight?
:'''Meta Knight''': He is now Bomb Kirby.
:'''Tiff &amp; Tuff''': Bomb Kirby?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': You have indeed grown in many ways this year. I cannot wait to see what changes next year brings.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Happy first anniversary, Kirby. We're all very happy that you came to Dream Land. Kirby, we love you.

== [Episode 50] Air-Ride-in-Style - Part I ([Episode 96] ワープスターの危機! (前編)) ==
:'''King Dedede''': I've been real patient with you, but I want me a monster that can whup Kirby now!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I understand your disappointment, Big D, but I've been sending you top-of-the-line monsters all along.
:'''King Dedede''': Well the bottom line is, them lamos was losers!
:'''Escargoon''': That's right! His majesty may be a big fat meathead, but how many half-baked freakazoids are you gonna send me?!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[bops Escargoon]'' I'll do the complaining here.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Maybe you've been going about stopping Kirby the wrong way. Have you ever thought about-
:'''King Dedede''': I ain't interested in thinking! I know everything there is to know about catching Kirby already.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I was only going to remind your fly-ness about Kirby's secret weapon.
:'''King Dedede''': Say what?
:'''Escargoon''': Secret weapon?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''[laughs]'' I'm referring of course to Kirby's shining star; the Warp Star.
:'''King Dedede''': The Warp Star?
:'''Escargoon''': That's what that Tiff always calls out.
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah. The big ol' thing comes flying to rescue Kirby.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''[laughs again]'' See what a little thing he can do... ''[Dedede pelts his monitor with an egg, surprising him]''
:'''King Dedede''': Just kill the dip-strip and get to the point.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': As I was about to say, Sire, if Kirby didn't have the Warp Star to come to his rescue, Kirby would be easy to get rid of.
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, that's it! If we can stop the Warp Star, we can stop Kirby! Hah!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sir Ebrum''': Good day, Your Majesty.
:'''Lady Like''': You most certainly startled us.
:'''Tiff''': You better not be here for Kirby.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[laughs]'' We're not here for the little pod.
:'''King Dedede''': We here for the big mouth!
:'''Tiff''': Huh? ''[The limousine use a grab nabber to nab her]''
:'''Tuff''': You can't do that!
:'''Lady Like''': Tiff, no!
:''[Dedede and Escargoon stuff Tiff into their limo and drive away with her, they laughing]''
:'''Tuff''': ''[chases Dedede's limousine alongside Kirby, Fololo &amp; Falala]'' COME BACK!
:'''Fololo''': HEY!
:'''Tuff''': '''YOU DIRTY CROOK!!!'''
:'''Sir Ebrum''': How dare he! That blaggard has kidnapped our daughter!
:'''Lady Like''': We have to get her back somehow!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At the dungeon]''
:'''King Dedede''': Lookie here, girly. you can have yourself all of these sweety cakes and creamy puffs confidence and yo kingly ol' friend Dedede.
:'''Escargoon''': That's right, I'll you gotta do is cooperate. Here, have a cupcake.
:'''Tiff''': I wouldn't touch your cruddy cupcake. Now you better untie me and let me go right now. RIGHT NOW!
:'''Escargoon''': Oh, we'll let you go soon enough.
:'''King Dedede''': Just say the magic words!
:'''Tiff''': What magic words?
:'''Escargoon''': the one you say it whenever that pesky pinky in the pickle.
:'''Both''': Kabu.
:'''King Dedede''': Warp Star!
:''[Both laughing]''
:'''King Dedede''': Now all you gotta do is say it. And if you don't say it, we gonna keep you tied up not too tight till you do, got it?
:'''Tiff''': Hmph.
:'''Escargoon''': Yeah! Tell us where he's hidin' that Warp Star!
:'''Tiff''': I'm not gotta tell you and you two anything.
:'''Tuff''': ''[offscreen]'' Hey, Tiff!
:'''All''': Huh?
:'''Tuff''': Let's go!
:'''Tiff''': What are you doing here?
:'''Escargoon''': Look, it's the little brother to the rescue. Ain't that nauseating?
:'''King Dedede''': Get lost. We trying to find out where Kirby's Warp Star's at.
:'''Tuff''': Uh...that's easy. The Warp Star's inside Kabu.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:''[Dedede, Escargoon, and Tiff all react in shock and Tuff, having realized what he just said, covers his mouth, and then Dedede and Escargoon burst out laughing and then run off to Kabu]''
:'''Tuff''': ''[untying Tiff]'' Sorry. It just slipped out.
:'''Tiff''': Some secret keeper. ''[sighs]''
:'''Tuff''': Hurry!
:'''Tiff''': Luckily, we don't have to hurry.
:''[Kirby starts eating the food Dedede and Escargoon had out on the table while interrogating Tiff]''
:'''Tuff''': But what if they find it somehow?
:'''Tiff''': Even if Dedede and Escargoon found the Warp Star, it wouldn't do them any good.
:'''Tuff''': Huh?
:'''Tiff''': Because they don't understand the power of the Warp Star like I do.
:''[Tiff flashes back to the events of Dark and Stormy Knight, where she revealed to Meta Knight that she brought the Warp Star to Kabu to keep it safe and secret, and called upon it to aid Kirby during his fight against Kracko]''
:'''Tuff''': I remember all that, too. But I wanna know where you got the idea to hide the Warp Star inside Kabu.
:'''Tiff''': Well that was easy. I remember the first time I saw it.
:''[Tiff flashes back to when she and Prof. Curio first discovered the Warp Star's pedestal inside Kabu]''
:'''Prof. Curio''': Look! I've never seen that.
:'''Tiff''': ''[narrating]'' It was like it was made for the Warp Star. It had to stay with Kabu.
:''[flashback ends]''
:'''Tuff''': It sure is weird. ''(about the Warp Star's pedestal)'' But the Warp Star fits inside it so perfect, especially since Kabu's been around for millions of years.
:'''Tiff''': Of course it's weird. Everything about Kabu is weird.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Alright Kabu, I'm gonna ask ya one last time. Now is you or is you ain't hiding Kirby's Warp Star? ''(Kabu doesn't respond)''
:'''Escargoon''': Alright, Mr. Frozen Face, now you're gonna get it!
:'''Waddle Doo''': Attack! ''[the Waddle Dees throw their spears at Kabu, but they simply bounce off him without any effect on him]''
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon! I want that freaky tiki in jail!
:'''Escargoon''': In jail?
:'''King Dedede''': Waddle Doo! Throw Kabu in the dungeon, you hear?
:'''Waddle Doo''': Dungeon?! But Your Majesty, I don't have the Waddle Dee power. Kabu's too big to move!
:'''King Dedede''': What?
:'''Escargoon''': Believe it or not, he's heavier than you are.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[to Meta Knight]'' You're not in charge of the Warp Star. I am.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughing]'' The Wimp Star's high-tailin' it home to Kabu.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Home to Kabu? What do you mean?
:'''Escargoon''': Kabu's been hiding the Warp Star. Get with the program, pal!
:'''King Dedede''': Them pals thought they was pretty clever.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': This isn't good, D. Better cancel that Kirby farewell party. I'm afraid that Warp Star's gonna be back in tip top shape in no time.
:'''King Dedede and Escargoon''': ''[In horrorified]'' Huh?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Kabu's sort of a hospital for Warp Stars and wounded Star Warriors... Like a big recovery room.
:'''King Dedede &amp; Escargoon''': '''''RECOVERY?!?!?!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Kabu, what are we gonna do? The Warp Star's damaged.
:'''Kabu''': The Warp Star will need time to recover.
:'''Kirby''': ''[sadly]'' Po-poyo, po...
:'''Tiff''': Kirby, Kabu says the Warp Star's tired right now. The only thing we can do is wait for the Warp Star to get better again.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo...

== [Episode 51] Air-Ride-in-Style - Part II ([Episode 97] ワープスターの危機! (後編))==
:'''Escargoon''': ''[after watching the Formula Star Rider's defeat]'' I'd say that guy's a formula for disaster.
:'''King Dedede''': I ain't worried none. We still got three more left here. ''[laughing]'' Kirby just got lucky that time, that's all.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, what's he slurpin' up all that water for?
:'''Escargoon''': Maybe he ate somethin' salty.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kirby has defeated the Rocket Star Air Rider]''
:'''Tuff''': Yeah!
:'''Tiff''': They might be faster, but Kirby's way smarter.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[after having watched the Winged Star Rider's defeat and angrily growls]'' These Air Riders is a bust. Whatcha givin' me?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Hold on there, gents. After all, the show's not over yet, is it?
:'''Escargoon''': No, but it better have an unhappy ending.
:'''King Dedede''': This last one better do the trick or you in trouble here!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': You'll see that Shadow Star's the grand finale.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[about the Winged Star]'' Wow, Kirby really knows how to fly that thing!
:'''Meta Knight''': A Star Warrior can fly anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': How'd we get inside Kabu? What happened?
:'''Tuff''': Don't you remember? You and Kirby were flying on the Warp Star and you fell off.
:''[Tiff remembers when a blast from a Destraya chipped off a piece of Kirby's Warp Star and knocked both of them off]''
:'''Tuff''': We were kind of worried. You and Kirby have been knocked out ever since.
:'''Tiff''': But what about the flying fighters that were after Kirby?
:'''Tuff''': What flying fighters?
:'''Tiff''': What do you mean what flying fighters?
:'''Tuff''': There weren't any fighters. We've all been inside waiting for you guys to wake up.
:'''Meta Knight''': Tiff, did you really see them?
:'''Tiff''': I'm telling you, I saw them, Meta Knight. You don't think I'd lie, do you?
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''Kabu''': No, Tiff. It was all a dream. A dream that only you and Kirby dreamt.
:'''Tiff''': I don't understand.
:'''Kabu''': Tiff, I sent you and Kirby that dream. I have learned from others like me that eNeMeE has been stealing Air Ride Machines throughout the universe.
:'''Tiff''': But I still don't understand why you would send that dream to Kirby and me.
:'''Kabu''': Kirby must learn to fly not just Warp Stars, but other battle vehicles as well.
:'''Tiff''': Well you should be proud of him. Kirby flew those things like a pro.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Well, it seems Kirby and his Warp Star aren't invincible after all.
:'''Nightmare''': It's only a matter of time before the Warp Star will be ours for the taking. ''[laughs evilly]''

== [Episode 52] Scare Tactics - Part I ([Episode 45] 真夏の夜のユーレイ! (前編))==
:'''Tiff''': ''[to Kirby]'' It must be real hard to play soccer when you're always mistaken for the ball.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': ''[laughs heartily]'' How's that? You saw an actual ghost?
:'''Chief Bookem''': From the scream she let out, I'd have to say you're right, Mayor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuggle''': What good's being a kid if you don't have nightmares once in a while?

== [Episode 53] Scare Tactics - Part II ([Episode 46] 真夏の夜のユーレイ! (後編))==
:'''Meta Knight''': I sense a dangerous force at work here. It must be eNeMeE.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Uh-oh. Escargoon? Yo! You okay? I done mistook you for a ghost!
:'''Escargoon''': ...How many ghosts take showers?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I was about to rid your kingdom of Kirby once and for all, and you two nearly spoiled it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': This little bonehead's a real shocker!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirby''': Zzzzzzzzz....

== [Episode 54] One Crazy Knight ([Episode 54] やりすぎの騎士! キハーノ)==
:'''Sir Gallant''': Greetings, peasants! I am Sir Gallant, and I have been greatly moved by your plight and by the courage that you have shown in the face of such monstrous enslavement. But fear not. The end of your oppression is at hand!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sir Gallant''': ''[to Windwhipper]'' So, we meet again. You bested me last time, but this time I will prevail!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mabel''': It is up to you to fight for justice everywhere.

== [Episode 55] Sweet &amp; Sour Puss ([Episode 55] ある愛のデデデ)==
:''[In the morning, at the Castle]''
:'''Escargoon''': Dedede's a rotten boss to work for. That I can't deny. He yells and screams and criticizes, no matter how I try. I deserve a raise, but the king refuses. All I ever get are bumps and bruises! He's a grouch. He's a grump. But I stay. Maybe I'll be king one day.
:''[King Dedede suddenly looms over Escargoon, but something about the former seems different; he's acting much nicer and more patient than normal]''
:'''King Dedede''': So, I'm a grouch and a grump and a rotten boss, huh?
:'''Escargoon''': ''[Blushes, nervously]'' I wasn't talking about you. It was a different tyrant.
:'''King Dedede''': That's okay.
:'''Escargoon''': Ah! ''[Exclaims]'' Look out! ''[He accidentally dumps the roses with a vase on King Dedede and whimpering. Dedede pull the vase off his head, Escargoon dreaming about to get clobbered by Dedede]'' Please don't clobber me.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Chuckles]'' I sure won't.
:'''Escargoon''': Huh? You mean you're not gonna mash me with your mallet?
:'''King Dedede''': No, I forgive you.
:'''Escargoon''': Huh? You do? I wonder if I still dreaming. ''[thuds and Dedede walks away]'' He's acting like he traded personalities with a teddy bear. Must be a ruse to get my guard down. ''[Dedede returns with a mop]'' I knew it! ''[Dedede cleans up the mess on the floor with the mop]'' Huh? ''[Dedede still cleaning]'' You can't trick me by pretending that you're not angry. I know you're planning to mop the floor with me.
:'''King Dedede''': I ain't angry with you.
:'''Escargoon''': Please don't torture me this way!!
:'''King Dedede''': Let's let bygones be bygones!
:'''Escargoon''': It's hard to believe but, maybe he means it. ''[exclaims in happily]'' Sire!
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[He grabs the mop from Dedede]'' There's no way I'm falling for that gag. You fooled me too many times. ''[He pushes Dedede causing him to accidentally step on a rose thorn and then cause the vase to crash onto his head]'' Oh boy! I'm in for in now!
:'''King Dedede''': Why'd you push me?
:'''Escargoon''': ''[Whimpers]'' I'm sorry!
:'''King Dedede''': That's okay.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[screams in shocked and Dedede luaghs]'' That's it! I give you! Sire, please stop acting like you don't want to get even with me? ''[cries]''
:'''King Dedede''': I just want us to be friends.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[screams in horrified]'' OH NO!!! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!!! ''[laughs in horrified]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': That Dr. Yabui is full of hooey!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Why can't we all just be friends?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': This hallway needs a traffic light.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Isn't anybody normal around here?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Togeira, inside his head, has just stored enough of his anger and now unleashes it into an explosive flaming rage from within him, causing him to let loose a rage-filled roar to everyone's horror while causing Escargoon whimpering at the same time]'' &lt;big&gt;'''Now it's payback time!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Tuff''': No more Mr. Nice Guy.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo! Po, poy!
:'''Tiff''': He's back to his old self.
:'''Meta Knight''': No, the monster is still controlling him.
:'''King Dedede''': &lt;big&gt;'''Alright Escargoon, who's been beating on me!?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[yells in panic, then laughs nervously and afterwards throws Dedede's hammer to Kirby]'' Uh, Kirby!
:'''Kirby''': Poy! ''[Dedede grabs his hammer back from him]'' Po, poyo? Po...
:'''King Dedede''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''WELL NOW I'M GONNA POUND YOU 'TIL YOU'RE FLAT AS A FLAPPYJACK!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Whoa, that monster's super mad!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kirby and friends laugh at each other]''
:'''Kirby''': Poyo, poyo! Poyo, poyo!

== [Episode 56] Dedede's Pet Threat ([Episode 56] わがままペットスカーフィ) ==
:'''King Dedede''': Aww... Ain't my new Scarfy-poos sweet, Escargoonie-goon?
:'''Escargoon''': Yeah, I suppose they're kind of sweet. The kind of sweet that makes you barf.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': What's the matter? Ain't I tasty enough?

== [Episode 57] A Half-Baked Battle ([Episode 57 パイを笑う者はパイに泣くぞい!) ==
:'''Kirby''': Hahahahahahaha! ''[laughs at King Dedede]''
:'''Tokkori''': HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!
:'''Escargoon''': Get a load of that!
:'''Buttercup &amp; Chief Bookem''': HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
:'''Escargoon''': Let's show an instant replay! ''[laughs]''
:'''Prof. Curio''': HOHOHOHAHAHA!!!!!
:'''Escargoon''': Here it is from another angle! ''[laughs]''
:'''Tuggle &amp; Gus''': HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
:'''Escargoon''': ''[Laughs even harder]''
:'''Chef Kawasaki, Gengu &amp; 2 Other Cappies''': HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
:'''Escargoon''': I gotta see this again! Roll it in slow-mo this time! ''[A slow-mo of King Dedede getting hit by the pie is shown on TV, laughs]''
:'''Iro &amp; His Parents''': HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dedede''': I'm through with that chef show! I want some good grub and all I get is a pie in the eye!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dedede''': ''[overhears Tiff's family laughing at him getting hit with a pie]'' Hey, what's so funny? ''[the family stops laughing for a few seconds, and then starts laughing again]''
:'''Sir Ebrum''': You're quite the comedian, your majesty!
:'''Tiff''': A cream pie in the face... now that's a classic! ''[She and Sir Ebrum start laughing again while Dedede growls angrily]''
:'''Escargoon''': Slowing down the tape for a moment, we clearly see the stunned expression on the king's face as he is unexpectedly pie-pummeled. ''[laughs at the repeats twice]''
:'''Lady Like''': You also made my family scream many times in the past, your majesty. But now it's screaming with laughter!
:'''Tuff''': It's funnier every time they show it! ''[Dedede growls again before running out of the living room]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dedede''': I'm replacing it with a brand new show. It's one of them reality programs... called Pie Justice!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Dedede! Pie throwing isn't just a waste of time. It's also a waste of food! You should be ashamed of yourself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Here's a little get well present for ya, D-Man! We heard you had a serious case of pie-arrhea!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Now listen up! His Highness is declaring a new law!
:'''King Dedede''': From now on, anybody in this here kingdom who says the word &quot;poyo&quot; is gonna be found guilty of treason!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo?
:'''King Dedede''': AH! Y'all heard that trash-talkin' traitor!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Why don't you suck it up!? ''[tastes the custard]'' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''UUUUUGGGHHH!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Bellybuster must make his pies in a barber shop. They taste like shaving cream, except worse.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Kirby, suck it up!
:'''Kirby''': ''[covers his mouth and shakes his head no]''
:'''Tiff''': ''[gasps]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Not even Kirby could eat anything that bad.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Somebody cooks worse than me! ''[laughs heartily]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': I feel... dirty. ''[Sigh]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Here comes the custard!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': What's happening?!
:'''Meta Knight''': Bellybuster has swallowed them and they will now be... digested.
:'''Tiff''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''NO!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

== [Episode 58] eNeMeE Elementary ([Episode 58] 魔獣教師でお仕置きよ!)==
:'''Tuff''': ''[Singing]'' When old King Dedede came to town, he got off his throne and his pants fell down.
:'''Spikehead''': ''[Singing]'' He thinks he's a king, but he's really a clown.
:'''Honey''': ''[Singing]'' When Dedede came to town!
:'''Tuff, Iro, Spikehead &amp; Honey''': ''[Singing]'' When old King Dedede starts to roar, he never heard anything like it before.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo, Poyo!
:'''Tuff, Iro, Spikehead &amp; Honey''': ''[Singing]'' Unless of course, you heard him snore, then Dedede starts to roar! ''[Laughing]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escagoon''': ''[Laughing]'' That's you, sire.
:'''King Dedede''': They're making a monkey out of me!
:'''Escargoon''': Oh, you've got to admit, it is pretty funny, sire. ''(laughing again)'' Huh? ''(sees his own drawing)'' I'll sue those little punks!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': How come we have to wear these goofy-looking robes?
:'''King Dedede''': 'Cause I'm the one selling them, that's why!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Must be the spirit of creativitude taking over!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[being possessed by the demon hat]'' Listen up you rowdy bunch of hooligans! ''[To Kirby]'' If you think you can get away with that kind of behavior in my class, [[w:You've Got Another Thing Comin'|You've Got Another Thing Comin'!]]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Cries]'' Them ruffians ain't never gonna learn no manners! ''[Cries Again]''

== [Episode 59] The Meal Moocher ([Episode 59] 最強番組, 直撃! 晩ごはん) ==
:'''King Dedede''': ''[He starts to shake and hold the menu in the air, everyone backs away as he tears the menu in half]'' I WANT NEW FOOD AND I WANT IT NOW!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hana''': ''[to Kirby]'' You came just in time! I'm about to serve dinner. Would you like to come join us?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Just look at 'im! That pink pan-handler hustled three dinners out of those Cappies in one night!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sir Ebrum''': ''[about the idea of winning money through a meal]'' That's interesting.
:'''Lady Like''': It would be nice to win that money.
:'''Sir Ebrum''': Oh dear, we're above that sort of thing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughing]'' Just remember, I like king-sized portions!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Buttercup''': Oh, we'll begin with the miso soup! It's from an old Japanese recipe I found. The second course will be sushi! There are twelve different varieties! We also have a medley of spring vegetables - many from outside Dream Land - all steamed to perfection and sprinkled with the special egg soy sauce! Next, comes a new dish I just invented: turkey tempura! There's also a special treat: broiled eel and onions! Those are just the appetizers! Now, for the main course!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[thinking]'' This is trouble. I gotta stop the king from giving them a five-star rating, or our bank accounts is going belly-up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Buttercup''': My crab has been sabotaged! I demand to see an instant replay just before the main course!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[he grabs Escargoon's goatee]'' '''HEY!''' What's the idea torchin' my tongue!?
:'''Escargoon''': Sorry, Sire. But I had to act quick cause you can't afford to pay out any more prize money!
:'''King Dedede''': Let's see how you like you red pepper, You double-dealin' spice sneakin' slug, here!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I done decided that I don't feel like dinin' on crab no more. 'Specially when it's bigger than me. But you can go on ahead and eat it yourself if you want to.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Not even Kirby gets hungry enough to gobble up a giant monster for dinner. ''[laughs with everybody until Kirby gets ready to inhale the crab he just cooked, much to their shock]'' Kirby! &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''NOOO!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

== [Episode 60] Crusade for the Blade ([Episode 60] 宝剣ギャラクシア!) ==
:'''King Dedede''': ''[yawns]'' I ain't seen no flyin' saucers here. I just wanna go back to bed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sirica''': 	Meta Knight!
:''[Meta Knight looks up to see Sirica on a level higher than the one he's standing on]''
:'''Sirica''': It's been a very long time.
:'''Meta Knight''': You speak as though we have met. Have we?
:'''Sirica''': So you don't remember? My mother was the Star Warrior Garlude!
:''[Meta Knight gasps in realization that Sirica is Garlude's daughter, just before Sirica starts opening fire on him and his knights with her machine gun]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Who are you?
:'''Sirica''': My name is Sirica.
:'''Tiff''': Why are you after Meta Knight?
:'''Sirica''': He has something that is very precious to me. His sword: Galaxia.
:'''Tiff''': Galaxia?
:'''Tuff''': You mean Meta Knight's sword has a name?
:'''Kirby''': Poyo?
:'''Tiff''': This is ridiculous! Meta Knight's a great Star Warrior, not a thief like you.
:'''Sirica''': Hmph. Meta Knight inspires great loyalty, for someone so heartless.
:''[Kirby and the kids gasp at what Sirica just said]''
:'''Tuff''': What do you mean?!
:'''Sirica''': Your friend Meta Knight was an enemy of my mother. ''[begins flashback, in her mind]'' It was many many, years ago. My mother Garlude was considered the greatest of all Star Warriors. She and Meta Knight had been chosen among many noble warriors to reclaim the sacred sword, Galaxia, which had been stolen by the evil beast: Kirisakin. They began to battle the great monster. Both were brave and fought valiantly, but in the end, the beast proved too strong for Garlude. Just as she was reclaiming the sword, she was overpowered! Meta Knight stood and watched as my mother lost the battle. He stole the sword and fled, leaving my mother to perish... alone. ''[ends flashback]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': She's a little girl with a big ol' gun and a whole lot of attitude!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Very interesting. Well, if this space girl's as tough as you say she is, then I better send over the &quot;big guy&quot;. ''[sends Kirisakin to King Dedede and Escargoon as it roars and clashes its two scythes over its head]''
:'''King Dedede''': Now that's a monster!	
:'''Escargoon''': Ugh... I think I'm gonna faint.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sirica''': That sword is mine! Now you will pay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sirica''': ''[having heard a familiar lion-esque roar and seen Kirisakin making its way to Kabu]'' This can't be... it's Kirisakin, the great monster.
:'''Meta Knight''': Kirisakin is here to reclaim the Galaxia sword. We must stop it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Galaxia''': ''[after Sirica tries to pry it from the ground a second time]'' My name is Galaxia. Only the most powerful of knights may wield my ancient magic. Meta Knight is the chosen one. Your mother Garlude knew well this truth. ''[begins flashback to how Garlude sacrificed herself to deliver Galaxia to Meta Knight]'' In sacrificing her life, Garlude made the ultimate sacrifice.
:''[Garlude manages to pry Galaxia from its pedestal and throws it to Meta Knight before Kirisakin delivers the killing blow to her from behind. Meta Knight claims Galaxia and leaps at Kirisakin to fight it. End flashback]''
:'''Sirica''': If my mother gave my life for this, I shall too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sirica''': Galaxia... Now I know what a great Star Warrior my mother was to the very end.
:'''Meta Knight''': Sirica. Your mother would have been so proud.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Wow, Meta Knight! She was a great warrior.

== [Episode 61] Fitness Fiend ([Episode 61] 肥惨! スナックジャンキー)==
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Surrounded by potato chip bags]'' Y'know, there's jus' somthin' about sittin' in front o' the TV all day long that gives me the nibblies!
:'''Escargoon''': Just look at this mess! Where do you expect me to put all these soggy sacks?
:'''King Dedede''': This looks like a good place! ''[Shoves an empty bag onto Escargoon's head]''
:'''Escargoon''': You know, you're a real couch potato. You're as big as a couch and you're full of potatoes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': He has fallen, and cannot get up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Hey, what up, D?
:'''King Dedede''': Zip yer layer!
:'''Escargoon''': Your chips made his majesty a travesty!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': It's not our fault he can't control his appetite! We made those snacks to fatten up Kirby, not you, sire.
:'''King Dedede''': Why'd ya have to go and make 'em so delicious?! Nobody can resist those things! THEY'S TOO DANG TASTY!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Max Flexer''': Treadmills are a lot of fun. You'll survive 'em if you run! Get it going really fast, or this race will be your last!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': If fit is in, I'm out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[after Kirby has transformed into Mike Kirby]'' Oh no! I forgot how terrible Microphone Kirby's singing is!

== [Episode 62] Mabel Turns the Tables ([Episode 62] たかが占いされど占い) ==
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': ''[about Curio's fortune]'' He must have picked the stone! NO!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': I know what you're doing. Samo, you should be ashamed of yourself!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lady Like''': My husband's prime minister!
:'''Escargoon''': Your husband's unemployed, [[w:Blondie (band)|Blondie]]!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': I suppose the royal golf course is a bust?
:'''Mabel''': You said it, not I.

== [Episode 63] Something to Sneeze At ([Episode 63] 師走のカゼはつらいぞい!)==
:'''Escargoon''': Ah...ah...ah...ah...AH-CHOO!!!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[grunts]'' You sprayed me! Now what was that for!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': HEY, YOU, META KNIGHT! Whadda' you know about all the sneezin' and wheezin' that's goin' round' here?
:'''Meta Knight''': ''[Coughs and Runs off]''
:'''King Dedede''': Even Meta Knight got a cold!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirby''': Ahh..ahh.ahhhh.... CHOO!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I turned myself into an ice cube and I still ain't sick. What am I doing wrong!?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Maybe you're too warm-hearted.

== [Episode 64] The Kirby Quiz ([Episode 64] 新春! カービィ・クイズショー )==
:'''King Dedede''': Here it is! A spankin' new year. Who knows? Maybe this year, I'll turn over a new leaf and treat folks more nice-like.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Greetings, and Happy New Year from all your friends at Nightmare Enterprises! I'll be hosting tonight's Kirby Quiz and I just know we're going to have a rockin' good time!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Honey''': I think it was Stone Kirby.
:'''Mabel''': I think you are right. ''[presses button]''
:'''Tokkori''': What's the answer?
:'''Tuff''': It was Fire Kirby. ''[presses button]''
:'''Samo''': I don't recall.
:'''Kawasaki''': I'll take a wild guess. ''[presses button, answering &quot;Needle&quot;]''
:'''Tiff''': That's easy. It was Fire Kirby, remember?
:'''Kirby''': ''[pressing button]'' Fire!
:'''Escargoon''': It was Fire Kirby for sure.
:'''King Dedede''': Haha! Stone Kirby! ''[presses button]''
:''[Escargoon gasps]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': This tough cookie fought against Kirby only to become a great hero. What was his name?
:'''Mabel and Honey''': Knuckle Joe! ''[presses button]''
:'''Samo and Kawasaki''': Knuckle Joe! ''[presses button]''
:'''Tiff and Kirby''': Knuckle Joe! ''[presses button]''
:'''Tuff and Tokkori''': Knuckle Joe! ''[presses button]''
:'''Escargoon''': Knuckle Joe!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[presses button]'' DEDEDE!
:''[Audience breaks out laughing]''
:'''Escargoon''': I had the right answer!
:'''King Dedede''': Guess my hands must have slipped or something.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff and Tokkori''': Spin Kick! ''[Tokkori presses button]''
:'''King Dedede and Escargoon''': Who cares, anyway?
:''[The entire audience breaks out laughing]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Well, it's starting to look like a Happy New Year already.

== [Episode 65] Masher 2.0 ([Episode 65] 逃げてきたナックルジョー) ==
:'''Lady Like''': ''[sees Tuff's soccer ball]'' Tuff, you know better. Take this ball outside.
:'''Tuff''': ''[about the outside storm]'' Out there? ''[cue booming thunder sounds, startling Kirby and the kids]''
:'''Sir Ebrum''': The weather's taken a nasty turn.
:'''Tiff''': I've never seen lightning this bad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Knuckle Joe''': I ain't sure how, but Masher's been rebuilt. And now it's out for revenge.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Knuckle Joe''': ''[to Masher 2.0]'' You're a lot stronger than me, that's for sure. But you've sure got a bucket of bolts for a brain! ''[Masher approaches]'' Get ready to rock! ''[punches the rock he's standing on, causing it to shatter]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[to King Dedede]'' Socked by a soccer ball. Your first sports injury!

== [Episode 66] The Chill Factor ([Episode 66] さまよえるペンギー) ==
:'''Pengy''': It is the Pengys' fate to wander far and wide. We are very weary but happy to have stumbled upon your chilly village. We would like to rest here for a while if you will have us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kirby and the kids have found a giant air conditioner that's been spewing cold air into the sky, discovering the source of the second wave of Winter weather in Dream Land]''
:'''Tuff''': Hey Tiff, what is that thing?
:'''Kirby''': Poyo?
:'''Tiff''': Now it all makes sense.
:'''Tuff &amp; Kirby''': Huh?
:'''Tiff''': The Pengy tribe brought this here on purpose, and it's so powerful that it turned our summer into winter.
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, but why?
:'''Kirby''': Poyo...
:''[suddenly, the trio hears a familiar voice. It's Pengy]''
:'''Pengy''': So, it looks as though our young friends have discovered our secret. ''[laughs as the trio turns around to see him and his guards ambush them and surround them with their spears]''
:'''Tiff''': Pengy!
:'''Tuff''': ''[gasps in horror]''
:'''Kirby''': Poyo!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pengy''': Your reign is through, King Dede-dumb!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pengy''': More ice. How thoughtful of you, Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirby''': ''[Singing]'' Payao puh poyo pay ya pa poyo poyo payo pay, poyo!

== [Episode 67] The School Scam ([Episode 67] 魔獣教師2) ==
:'''Kirk''': I sure hope our new school's built better than this dump!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Smirk''': There ain't no one to stop us, so we can teach all we want!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': ''[as Tiff enters the classroom]'' What are you doing here?
:'''Dirk''': You got expelled from school.
:'''Smirk''': And we did the expellin'.
:'''Tiff''': I'm taking charge here and you're taking a hike. ''[Kirby, Tuff, and the Cappy kids are surprised]''
:'''Dirk''': You don't count so good for a math teacher.
:'''Kirk''': It's three against one!
:'''Tiff''': True... But I've got one brain and you three bullies haven't gotten any.
:'''Smirk''': Then let's have a toughness test!
:'''Tiff''': That's fine with me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%/&gt;
:'''Smirk''': You ain't such a bad brawler for a teacher. Too bad I gotta clobber ya.
:'''Tiff''': I hope you like to travel, because I'm gonna send you packing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': YAY!!!
:'''Tokkori''': HOORAY!!!
:'''Kirby''': POYO!!!
:'''Kirby, Tuff, and the Cappy kids''': ''[cheering]''
:'''Tiff''': No!
:''[Kirby, Tuff, and the Cappy kids gasp]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Maybe... but teachers are supposed to solve problems with their heads, not their hands. I wish I could figure out a way to reach even those three guys. To help them see learning's really interesting. When you goof off in school, you could be missing something really great and never even realize it. The most important job of the teacher is to help your students want to learn. It's really sad when you don't succeed. There are so many great things to discover in this world. School gives you the tools that can help you learn. But the most important tool of all is the curiosity inside us. Promise me that you guys will never give up trying to learn new things. Promise! That's... all, I guess.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''MT2''': Here we come, Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Aaah! School's out!
:'''Escargoon''': We failed again!
:'''King Dedede''': There's always next semester!

== [Episode 68] Delivery Dilemma ([Episode 68] 勝ち抜け! デリバリー時代) ==
:'''Tuff''': ''[brings out a nice hot bowl of ramen]'' Here, nice hot noodles.
:'''King Dedede''': Hot... noodles...? ''[steps closer to Tuff, laughing all the while, while quickly recovering from his red eyes of sleeplessness]'' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''THEY'S FINALLY HERE!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Thanks, kid. ''(takes the bowl of ramen before Dedede can grab it)''
:'''King Dedede''': Huh? ''[sees Escargoon eating the ramen and grabs him]'' You no-good noodle-nabber! ''[swipes the ramen bowl]''
:'''Escargoon''': ''[swipes his ramen bowl back]'' Hands off! I just ordered these for myself.
:'''King Dedede''': What's that?!
:'''Tuff''': That's right. He called 10 minutes ago.
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah? Well I ordered me a big bowl of noodles yesterday. ''[releases Escargoon]'' I thought mine got here first.
:'''Tuff''': Uh oh. I guess Kirby goofed up after all. Uh, be right back with your order! ''[runs off back to Restaurant Kawasaki]''
:'''King Dedede''': ''[angrily growls]'' I should've known it was Kirby, that nasty little pasta poacher! I'm gonna get me my own delivery dude so there ain't no more mess-up!

== [Episode 69] Trick or Trek ([Episode 69] ウィスピーの森のエコツアー)==
:'''Whispy Woods''': I will protect you for as long as I am able.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': We have to make sure they see our smoke signal.
:'''King Dedede''': This oughtta do the trick.
:''[suddenly, the fire they placed bursts into an even bigger one to their surprise, causing the nearby trees to catch fire much to Escargoon's shock]''
:'''Escargoon''': Ah! The whole forest could catch on fire.
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, great idea!
:'''Escargoon''': Huh?
:'''King Dedede''': We gotta clear out Whispy Woods for my golf course and this is the quick, easy way!
:'''Escargoon''': ''[smiles delightfully in response to Dedede's voiced idea]'' Your blazin' new trail, Sire!
:'''King Dedede''': And afterwards, there's gonna be a lotta charcoal 'round a useful barbecuein'!
:'''Escargoon''': Let's go! Before we get cooked... ''[he and Dedede are scared off by the flames, which have now grown bigger and are spreading quickly through the forest, causing a huge forest fire]''

== [Episode 70] Buccaneer Birdy ([Episode 70] トッコリ卿の伝説)==
:'''Tokkori''': So now we know I'm a noble. *chews* Guess I'll live with ya here at the castle, huh? *chews* I don't- *gulps* -mind. *chews* But I warn ya, I can't stand loud snorin' when I'm tryin' to sleep. I bet Blue Boy here snores even louder than Kirby, so ya better keep it quiet or you're gone!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Quit stallin' and hand over Tokkori's treasure now!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo!
:'''Escargoon''': That birdseed brain's out of luck. The king and I are goin' fifty-fifty!
:'''King Dedede''': Fool. I used it all to buy myself more monsters!
:'''Escargoon''': But sire...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': I guess Tokkori will always be Tokkori after all.

== [Episode 71] A Whale of a Tale ([Episode 71] 密着! ホエール・ウォッチング)==
:'''Kine''': SUSHI!?!?
:'''Kirby''': Sushi poyo!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': HEY!
:'''Tiff''': What's wrong?
:'''Tuff''': We saw what you're hiding down there. Nets and harpoons and stuff for catching whales!
:'''Kirby''': ''[angrily]'' Poyo!
:'''Tiff''': For catching whales?!
:'''King Dedede''': Aww. Guess we've been found out. Escargoon?
:'''Escargoon''': Aye aye, Sire. ''[presses a button and Dedede's boat reveals its true form as a whaling ship]''
:'''Tiff''': This isn't a tour boat. It's a whaling ship!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughing]'' Time to start whaling!

== [Episode 72] Waddle While You Work ([Episode 72] ワドルディ売ります) ==
:'''Tiff''': That's just horrible!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': What is?
:'''Tiff''': Taking advantage of those poor things!
:'''Curio''': Would you all rather they work for Dedede?
:'''Tiff''': Uh, well...
:'''Tuff''': Hey, Tiff, we never thought about that.
:'''Gengu''': After all, it's not as if we don't treat 'em right!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': This is hopeless.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waddle Doo''': Your Highness! Let go of the boy!
:'''Tiff''': He wants Dyna Chick for his dinner!
:'''King Dedede''': That's right, and I ain't givin' up this here bird no way no how!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I'll get you, Kirby! That's the last time you steal my dinner! YOU CHICKEN THIEF!

== [Episode 73] Dedede's Raw Deal ([Episode 73] まわれ! 回転寿司)==
:'''King Dedede''': This grub tastes grubby.
:'''Escargoon''': Ugh. If you eat fast, you won't notice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Your Majesty, I could use some financial help.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughs]'' I bet you want a loan!
:'''Escargoon''': That's an even riskier proposition than eating your food.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Why you? How dare you question His Majesty's integrity!? Why, he's as honest as the day is dark!
:'''Tiff''' &amp; '''Tuff''': Huh?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': This isn't news, it's a commerci- ''[hiccups and covers her mouth]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': This sushi monster's gonna clobber Kirby!
:'''Escargoon''': Yeah. It sure is well-armed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Kirby, listen up! ''[Kirby hiccups]'' If you don't get rid of those hiccups, you'll never be able to eat again!
:'''Kirby''': ''[Freaking Out]'' POYO!!!!! ''[Jumps and spins around to freshen up and his hiccups are gone]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Look, sire. it's raining calamari!
:'''King Dedede''': Great. I'm bankrupted in all I got is a lifetime supply of squid.
:'''Escargoon''': We're broke now. What do we do?
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': That's easy. We can use this with to make sushi. Right?
:''[Dedede and Escargoon crying]''

== [Episode 74] Caterpillar Thriller ([Episode 74] モスガバーの逆襲!) ==
:'''Escargoon''': Get it, Kirby! I can't take these sinus allergies anymore. ''[sneezes]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Island Sisters''': Mosugaba truly wants to live in peace. It is only attacking to set us free. But we can sing to Mosugaba to calm him down.

== [Episode 75] Fossil Fools - Part I ([Episode 75] 夢の恐竜天国! (前編)) ==
:'''King Dedede''': WHERE ALL THE DINOSAURS AT?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[reading Dedede's book about dinosaurs]'' Lots of folks say that dinosaurs is extunct, but I say the proof is in the pictures.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[screams]'' Look at that thing!
:'''King Dedede''': Looks kinda familiar!

== [Episode 76] Fossil Fools - Part II ([Episode 76] 夢の恐竜天国! (後編))==
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughs]'' Escarsaurus sure is a dino wimp, I'd say.
:'''Escargoon''': Give him all you've got, Escarsaurus! Tackle that tub of lard!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Buttercup''': ''[to Chief Bookem]'' That dinosaur has your face!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mabel''': Something about that dinosaur looks familiar.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mabel''': Have I gone mad, Samo, or did those dinosaurs look just like you and me?
:'''Samo''': They did indeed. But I must admit, I find you much prettier.
:'''Mabel''': I hope so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': That dinosaur looks just like me!
:'''Tuff''': She even has your personality!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirby''': Yaaaiie suikaa poyoo!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Doctor Moro''': It would be foolish to destroy my laboratory.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Hey, he looks just like me!
:'''Tuff''': It's a Kawasakisaurus!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Doctor Moro''': Thanks to your invaluable tip, Tiff, I have achieved what I believe to be my greatest creation. By using Star Warrior DNA, I have created the ULTIMATE MONSTER!! ''[evilly laughs and turns into a monster]''

== [Episode 77] Dedede's Monsterpiece ([Episode 77] ロイヤルアカデデデミー) ==
:'''King Dedede''': ''[points to a huge, cross-eyed version of himself]'' Right here, that's me. Since I'm what you'd call the star of this here paintin', I'm smack-dab in the middle! You'll note the perspecticles, and I put a big old impressionistic Sun ''[a red circle with lines coming off it]'' up there, see? ''[Points to his small castle, and a huge misshapen-looking Escargoon next to it]'' Right there is my castle, and right next to it is Escargoon. Note the lack of depth. ''[points to an awkwardly-angled version of Mayor Len Blustergas with noodle arms and two giant angry Pac-Man-like sheep behind him]'' This here's the Mayor being chased by his sheep. ''[points to a misshapen Kirby in the corner of the painting]'' And this here's Kirby. He's being chased by me! See, I drawed him all lumpy to express his inner lumpiness!
:'''Kirby''': ''[angrily hopping up and down]'' POYO! &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''POYOOOO!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

== [Episode 78] Right Hand Robot ([Episode 78] 発進! エスカルゴン・ロボ) ==
:'''King Dedede''': You must be cleaning this castle with your eye-shut. It's filthy! ''[He blows the dust at Escargoon]''
:'''Escargoon''': ''[coughing]'' I dust this dump every day! I can't be a full-time housekeeper and a full-time lackey.
:'''King Dedede''': Well, you better find a way you out of here.
:'''Escargoon''': But sire, I need this rotten job.
:'''King Dedede''': It's time for my massage.
:''[Escargoon massaging Dedede on a back, grunting]''
:'''King Dedede''': Quit wimpin' out. Pull a little muscle into.
:'''Escargoon''': How's this?
:'''King Dedede''': LOUSY! This is how you give a massage!
:'''Escargoon''': ''[screaming as Dedede stretching his arms ]'' Uncle! ''[thuds]'' That wasn't too relaxing.
:'''King Dedede''': Guess I'll have to pull harder next time. ''[laying down on a beach lounge chair]'' Fetch me a toothpick and my monster catalogue.
:''[Escargoon scowls]''
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Being serious]'' What you waiting for!?
:'''Escargoon''': Sorry, Sire. ''[He scurried]''
:'''King Dedede''': My monster catalogue.
:'''Escargoon''': Ugh. I've forgot. ''[He scurried again]''
:'''King Dedede''': Magnifying glasses.
:'''Escargoon''': Sorry, Sire. ''[He scurried once again]'' Here.
:'''King Dedede''': I want me a cup of tea. 
:'''Escargoon''': ''[He scurried again once more]'' Yes, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': Too cold.
:'''Escargoon''': Right. ''[He keep scurried]''
:'''King Dedede''': Too hot.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[He scurried slowly, panting]'' The king's running me ragged here. I wish he'd give me sometime off to take a trip. ''[He tripped on a carpet as the cup of tea spilled on his head, screamed in pain]'' Hotty! Hotty! Hotty! Hotty!
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon!
:'''Escargoon''': His Highness does care about me. Oh, Si..''[Getting hitted by Dedede's mallet]''
:'''King Dedede''': You spilled tea on my carpet!
:'''Escargoon''': But Sire, I'm bound to make mistakes when you overwork me and don't give me a break.
:'''King Dedede''': Well if you fooled up again I'll give you plenty of breaks from head to toe.
:'''Escargoon''': Hmph! You snail-driver! I'm tired of being harassed, tired of being insulted, and tired of being tired!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon! This your pea-brained idea of a joke?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escar-Droid''': MUST. CRUSH. KIRBY.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': I'll get you this time, Kirby!
:'''Meta Knight''': No, you won't! ''[slides into Escargoon and sends him flying into a tree]''

== [Episode 79] Goin' Bonkers ([Episode 79] ボンカースあらわる!) ==
:'''Bonkers''': Look for him.
:'''Mabel''': You want me to tell you Kirby's future?
:'''Bonkers''': Kirby, in here?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': Ha ha! I bet ya Kirby went on a banana-eatin' binge and gobbled up all his food supply!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': What? A gorilla hammering folks on a head?
:'''Waddle Doo''': I heard that if you don't give 'im money or bananas, he gets real mad, and that's when he strikes.
:'''Escargoon''': He sounds like a bill collector which means he'll come here for the nine million we owe N.M.E..
:'''King Dedede''': So how much would nine million be if we pay him in bananas?
:'''Escargoon''': Huh? I don't know the exchange rate for fruit.
:'''King Dedede''': Well, ain't no bullying bill collector gonna knock on my royal noggin'! Throw that gorilla into whose gal!
:'''Escargoon''': Let's hope he doesn't make a chimpanzee out of you. ''[Getting hitted by Dedede's mallet]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, Waddle Doo! Go and get that gorilla!
:'''Waddle Doo''': Let's move it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Kirby's in big trouble if that gorilla can track him down before we do.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Yeah! Why would a big gorilla be lookin' for Kirby?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bonkers''': Me want to train with Kirby.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': That's a ridiculous idea. Who ever heard of making a giant gorilla monster?

== [Episode 80] Power Ploy ([Episode 80] 強壮! ドリンク狂想曲) ==
:'''King Dedede''': Why, just last night I was working at my desk burning up the midnight oil!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Did... I just hear you say you were working?
:'''King Dedede''': Yep! I spent hours at my PC!
:'''Escargoon''': And he almost got it turned on, too! ''[laughs before getting hammered by Dedede]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Upwardly mobile types like us can easily get worn down. That's why we came up with a new energy-booster drink to keep you going like gangbusters round the clock. It's called Pump Up D!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Yeah! I have tons of energy! Ha-haha! I feel like Super Kawasaki! Up and away!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cappy patient''': Doctor... Isn't there anything you can do? I feel awful all over.
:'''Dr. Yabui''': There's no cure... unless you drink this Pump Up D!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Glu-gly-cero-poly-carbo-phosphate. This health drink is totally unhealthy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Triple D, this snake monster is guaranteed to rattle Kirby.

== [Episode 81] A Trashy Tale ([Episode 81] ドキッ! かたづけられない女)==
:'''Escargoon''': I can't tell if this is a throne room or a landfill.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Yabui''': It took me months and months to finish this article!! Grr... WHO DID THIS?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Yabui''': I'm messy, eh? Just wait 'til I get my hands on you! I'll show you messy! My paper's ruined!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Trash Basher, the garbage monster. This stinks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Yeah! We haven't seen Cleaning Kirby in ages!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[To Tuff]'' Don't laugh, you have to clean your room too!
:'''Tuff''': ''[Nervously Laughs]''
:'''Kirby''': ''[while Handing Tuff A Broom]'' Poyo, Poyo!
:'''Tuff''': Ah boy, what a dirty trick.

== [Episode 82] Cooking Up Trouble ([Episode 82] 合体ロボリョウリガーZ!)==
:'''Sword Kinght''': Blade?
:'''Blade Knight''': Ay?
:'''Sword Knight''': Smells delicious, don't it? Course' anything would smell good compared to Meta knight's cooking!
:''[Blade Knight speaks in foreign language]''
:'''Sword Knight''': You could say that again!
:'''Meta Knight''': ''[he enters from behind]'' Say what again?
:''[Sword and Blade turn around surprised]''
:'''Sword Knight''': Err... He was saying that your cooking... is beyond compare!
:''[Blade Knight responds in foreign language]''
:'''Meta Knight''': Hmm...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Listen everybody! You're going about this thing the wrong way. Those machines can't cook for you because the most important ingredient is missing. You can't make great food unless you use your heart. Cooking isn't about using all the latest technology. Your food will always be mediocre unless you care about what you make.

== [Episode 83] Teacher's Threat ([Episode 83] 魔獣教師3)==
:'''King Dedede''': It's time for me to face the fact that I may need some education.
:'''Escargoon''': Education won't help you. The mind's only a terrible thing to waste if you have one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': What are you brats gonna learn standing out here in the rain? How to get soggy?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': But this school doesn't have anything to do with cooking.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': That's okay. My cooking doesn't have anything to do with cooking either!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Chip''': I'm sorry, but in my classroom, everyone is equal, whether you're royalty or not. Let's try again, shall we, Dedede?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Chip''': Punishment won't help him learn. What Dedede could use is a bit of encouragement.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': If Mr. Chip could stay here in Cappy Town, I'd be the happiest girl alive. Mr. Chip is a wonderful man!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I need some down time so my brain could re-coagulate.

== [Episode 84] Mumbies Madness ([Episode 84] キュリオ氏の秘宝?) ==
:'''Tokkori''': You hear that weird noise over there? You go check it out and I'll go back to sleep.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prof. Curio''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''LEAVE HERE IMMEDIATELY!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; ''[his shouting sends Kirby into an immediate panic as the latter flees, and he laughs evilly as the relic he was excavating is unsealed]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prof. Curio''': It's none of your business! Get lost!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[about Professor Curio]'' But... why would he act so mean?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kabu''': Kirby. You must be careful. That monster will never stop attacking you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[reading]'' Mumbies are a good luck monster. Whoever finds one will become rich. Mumbies dwell underground by day, and know where many fabulous treasures are buried.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': The Mumbies are vicious monsters sent throughout the universe to hunt down and exterminate Star Warriors. When the containers that hold them are discovered, they are automatically unsealed, and they begin looking for Star Warriors to destroy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prof. Curio''': It wasn't until I re-examined that book today that I realized what the King had done. I can't believe he tricked me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Easy, Sire. This is a comedy show, not a reality series!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[seeing that Kirby has let the Mumbies get burned by the sun's rays]'' Kirby won!
:'''Escargoon''': And who's fault was that?
:''[Dedede screams in anger]''

== [Episode 85] A Sunsational Surprise/A Sunsational Puzzle ([Episode 85] まぼろしの紫外線!) ==
:'''Lady Like''': WRINKLES!?!? ''[looks at herself in the mirror and then screams]'' The sun ''(Inaudible)'' ''(to the viewer)'' Stop staring at me! My face is looking like a prune! ''(screams)'' Call the plastic surgeon!
:'''Sir Ebrum''': Aren't you overreacting, dear?

== [Episode 86] A Chow Challenge ([Episode 86] 弟子対決! コックナゴヤ)==
:'''Chef Nagoya''': You really have made progress as a chef, Kawasaki. This is quite tasty!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I don't want Nagoya to find out that I still can't cook!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': If that guy studied with Kawasaki, then he's gotta be a graduate of the institute of indigestion!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': He took cookin' lessons with Kawasaki!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': We're doing our best, but Nightmare Enterprises deals in monsters, not in groceries. It may take a little time, Triple-D.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Nagoya''': Your crazy cuisine has won that little Star Warrior's heart and stomach. Kirby would never be happy eating my food. It's way too bland for his taste!

== [Episode 87] Waste Management ([Episode 87] 襲撃! カラスの勝手軍団) ==
:'''Crowmon''': You lied to me! You said you'd give us all we can eat. But the trash is gone and we're still hungry!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crowmon''': You will never get away!

== [Episode 88] Shell-Shocked ([Episode 88] はだかのエスカルゴン) ==
:'''Tiff''': Shell collecting is fun, but it can also be quite educational. Some creatures like clams have two shells that are connected. Other creatures just have a single shell.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[sneezes]'' Somethin' around here's got my allergies acting up.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughs]'' Just don't sneeze on the grill! I'm cookin' top shell! ''[he take a mouthful of topshell and he chewing]'' Maaaan! Is that ever hot! But tasty. Here, you wanna try one?
:'''Escargoon''': Not if they taste like they smell.
:'''King Dedede''': Not even one?
:'''Escargoon''': I don't like shellfish.
:'''King Dedede''': Bet you never tasted ones like these here. Come on!
:'''Escargoon''': Eugh... No! ''[exclaims]''
:'''King Dedede''': Guess that just means more top shells for me! ''[some empty topshells fell on a ground after he ate them all]'' Boy, oh, boy, that does a belly good!
:''[Waddle Dees clean some other topshells and except one who fell, and then Dedede imagine of this topshell]''
:'''King Dedede''': An empty shell. Get outta that shell right now!
:''[Escargoon screaming]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Come back here, Escargoon! I wanna see what you been hiding underneath that shell of yours!
:'''Escargoon''': You're crazy! It's not open to the public!
:'''King Dedede''': Slow down, so I can get a crack at it! ''[He tried to a mallet to Escargoon's shell, but it missed, Escargoon laughs]'' Grrr!! Come here!
:'''Escargoon''': ''[jumps]'' Oh! How dare you try to hit me! ''[jumps again]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[laughs]'' Methinks the king is out of shape. Well, ''adieu''. ''[chuckles, leaves with suavity]''
:''[Dedede however, was never tired, and tricked Escargoon. He then hammers his shell from behind, Escargoon screaming in shocked]''
:'''Escargoon''': Sneak attack!
:'''King Dedede''': I'm crackin' your shell open and havin' a look!
:''[Escargoon screams, his shell is about to slightly cracks]''
:'''King Dedede''': Ah-ha!
:'''Escargoon''': Huh?
:'''King Dedede''': ''[he points on Escargoon's shell]'' Hey, it's startin' to open up!
:'''Escargoon''': ''[screaming]'' It is? Everything looks okay to me?
:'''King Dedede''': I always knew you was a little bit cracked. Now you're more cracked than before! ''[laughs]''
:'''Escargoon''': You may find this amusing but I don't! ''[groans]'' I just hope I don't catch pneumonia.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At Doctor Yabui's clinic, Escargoon gets his fractured shell looked at by Doctor Yabui]''
:'''Dr. Yabui''': Oh...yes I see...my goodness.
:'''Escargoon''': Your goodness what, doc?
:'''Dr. Yabui''': Bad news. there's a fracture in your shell.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[gasps]'' Well don't just sit there, fix it!
:'''Dr. Yabui''': I'm afraid there's nothing I can do
:''[Escargoon whimpers in terror]''
:'''Dr. Yabui''': It can't be repaired.
:'''Escargoon''': You're joking!
:'''Dr. Yabui''': It might even get bigger.
:'''Escargoon''': THIS CAN'T BE!!!''[His shell cracks once more, Tiff and Tuff gasped. Whimpering in terror, he sees behind his shell cracking again, cries]'' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''PLEASE HELP ME!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Tiff''': That's tough.
:'''Tuff''': Don't get excited, Escargoon! It's only a shell.
:'''Escargoon''': Don't tell me no to get excited, kid. My whole world's falling apart!
:''[Escargoon is suddenly interrupted by Dedede shows up in the limousine to exacerbate things further]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, Yabui. No use hiding Escargoon! ''[He barges into Yabui's clinic]'' Come on out! I know you here some-place. And I'm gonna find ya. ''[He tries to open the door]'' It's me, Escargoonie-goo. Open up this here door. I'm your best pal, ain't I? I won't hurt you.
:'''Escargoon''': Go away. I can't see you now. I'm studying for a blood test.
:'''King Dedede''': I'm real worried about you, so please open up, little buddy? ''[He pulls out his mallet]'' In fact...I'll open it for you! Stand back, buddy! ''[He hits a door with a his mallet]''
:'''Escargoon''': He wants to smash my shell to pieces! ''[He barricades the door]''
:'''King Dedede''': Now ain't you gonna let me in there or ain'cha?
:'''Escargoon''': ''[grunts]'' Uh-uh! ''[His shell cracks again, then he screaming in terror]''
:'''Tiff''': Stop that! Haven't you done enough?! Don't you know Escargoon needs his shell to protect his body?!
:'''King Dedede''': Protect his body?
:'''Dr. Yabui''': That's right. Without his shell, Escargoon would be completely exposed.
:''[Tuff laughing]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey! What what that looks like...''[He imagines what Escargoon would look like without his &quot;clothes&quot; on, which is reference by [[w:The Birth of Venus|The Birth of Venus]]]'' ''Am I being disrespectful? Should I leave Escargoon alone?'' Probably but I ain't a' going to. Now show me what you hiding under that there shell!
:'''Escargoon''': I'm never showing nothing to nobody!
:'''Tiff, Tuff, and Dr. Yabui''': Nobody?
:'''Escargoon''': Why do I suddenly feel like a &lt;big&gt;'''SCIENTIST EXPERIMENT!?'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[When Dedede busts the door with his mallet]'' I'm not letting you in this door!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[He continue busting the door with his mallet for several times]'' Let me in!
:'''Escargoon''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''GO AWAY!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; Help me.
:'''King Dedede''': Here I come! ''[He smash the door down. He does so and breaks the shell completely]''
:'''Escargoon''': That did it!
:''[All exclaims, and Kirby close the Escargoon's shell]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey! You get off of that! You can't park it there!
:'''Tiff''': Stay right where you are! Now you've done it! You've split Escargoon's shell apart!
:'''Escargoon''': I never felt so violated! I lost my dignity!
:'''King Dedede''': Now you just relax whilst I have myself a little look-see here!
:'''Escargoon''': Don't let him touch me!
:'''King Dedede''': You know you're gonna have to show me sooner or later.
:'''Escargoon''': How about later? Much later.
:''[Dedede chases Escargoon around, both yelling]''
:'''King Dedede''': As your king, is it my royal right to see what you got under that shell and I ain't quit 'til I get a peek! ''[As he steps on Escargoon's tail, Escargoon screams as Kirby falls off. Escargoon grab and pull the tail offs and his so the shell falls off, but it closed again]'' Oh no!
:'''Escargoon''': Thank goodness.
:'''Kirby''': Po-yay?
:'''Tiff''': Leave Escargoon alone! Don't you think you've caused enough trouble for him already?!
:'''King Dedede''': Not really. I think I could cause a lot more trouble.
:'''Tiff''': You broke his shell in the first place, so you better find him a new one!
:'''Escargoon''': And fast!
:'''King Dedede''': Find him a new shell, huh? That's a great idea!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Sure thing, King! In fact, we have a monstrous new line of mollusc-wear that is guaranteed to bring out the beast if you know what I mean.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': With my new remote-controlled spy fly, I'll get me a real bug's eye view! ''[He uses the Grasshopper Eavesdropper to take a peek at the Escargoon in a changing-tent]''
:'''Escargoon''': How humiliating...''[He pick up with the tin-pan]'' This one looks too small, but I'll try it on anyway,
:'''King Dedede''': This is it! Yeah! Let see!!
:'''Escargoon''':  ''[Moans, but he noticed Grasshopper Eavesdropper spying on him and he screaming in shocked, smashes it with the tin-pan]'' SPY ON ME, WILL YA!?
:'''King Dedede''': It's busted! Now my undercover bug can't spy on that slug!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': So? Making like top-shell, huh? You lucky I didn't fricasse you!
:'''Escargoon''': Yeah, well you came close enough!
:'''Tiff''': Escargoon's just wearing this, while we're trying to fix up this regular shell!
:'''King Dedede''': Oh! Now I get it.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''King Dedede''': You hog! You ate my tender delicious topshell before I got to it!
:'''Escargoon''': That shell was empty when I put it on, you blowhard!
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, that reminds me!...I still ain't seen what you been hiding under that shell!
:''[Escargoon exclaims]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[laughs in evilly]'' It's too late now.
:'''King Dedede''': New shell or no new shell, I still wanna see what you hiding underneath here!
:'''Escargoon''': It's no use, but give it a shot, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': ALRIGHT!!! ''[He attempts to break it open, but to no avail]'' It's too hard.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': All that pounding is giving me a pounding headache!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maimaigoon''': This shell makes me invincible...and powerful!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maimaigoon''': ''[to Kirby as he fires his lighting beams]'' You're finished, Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': For a snail, he's pretty quick.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Hold on! I think there's another crack in that there!
:'''Escargoon''': The only thing cracked in this room is you, you wacko!
:'''King Dedede''': Just one little-itty-bitty peek?
:'''Escargoon''': You keep your paws off of me! HELP!
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon, please!?
:'''Escargoon''': Buzz off, you creep!

== [Episode 89] Tooned Out ([Episode 89] オタアニメ! 星のフームたん)==
:'''Escargoon''': Tiff can't be the hero! She's a bad guy!
:'''King Dedede''': There's only room for one hero on my show and that's me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Biggy''': She's so awesome, she deserves her own animated series.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bony''': Why don't we make her the hero?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boys''': Roses are red. Violets are blue. Here we come, Tiff. We're gonna draw you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sleepy''': We need more recordings of her voice to use in the cartoon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': You guys shouldn't stick around taking my pictures without permission.
:'''Sleepy''': She looks good she's mad.
:'''Bony''': Those lying visitor but totally fears.
:'''Biggy''': She's sure is gonna lot a fun you are.
:'''Boys''': ''[to Tiff]'' Cutie.
:'''Tiff''': ''[gasps]'' Don't call me that! Why don't you guys show a little originality and invent your own cartoon character instead of picking on me?! &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''I DON'T WANT TO BE A CARTOON STAR!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Boys''': Did you say &quot;so sorry&quot;?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Alright, boys, I'm sending you the ace of all animators. Allow me to introduce the legendary Dis Walney! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dis Walney''': Hmm, the scene needs more excitement. I need more energy, King!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Anige''': Now I'm going to delete your friend Kirby permanently!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Hey, it's morning.
:'''Tiff''': And there's still no cartoon.
:''[Dedede and Escargoon exclaiming in shocked]''
:'''King Dedede''': If we don't put a cartoon on I'll be flat broke!
:'''Escargoon''': But sire, there's only 5 minutes left to go!
:'''King Dedede''': Whoever said &quot;the show must go on&quot; didn't know us!
:''[Dedede and Escargoon hugged as they crying and Tuff laughs]''
:'''Tiff''': Too bad those professional animators couldn't help you.
:'''Both''': ''[stopped crying]'' Huh? What'd you say?
:'''King Dedede''': So, let's go!
:'''Escargoon''': There's still hope.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Well, guys?
:'''Sleepy''': It wasn't easy, dude, but we did it.
:'''Biggy''': We had to draw it really fast.
:'''Bony''': But it's way cool!
:'''King Dedede''': Who cares? It's done!
:'''Escargoon''': 10 seconds left!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': That doesn't look like you, sire.
:'''King Dedede''': There's something about that girly are looked saw that familiar!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Is that airhead really supposed to be me?!
:'''Biggy''': Yeah. Except, she's not short like you.
:'''Tiff''': Yeah, I'm short alright. ''(furious growl)'' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''AND SO'S MY TEMPER!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

== [Episode 90] Born to Be Mild - Part I ([Episode 90] 爆走! デデデス・レース (前編))==
:'''Rip''': The name's Rip. Sorry to wake ya, officer!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Both coughing]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, what's the idea sticking up the hand here!?
:'''Escargoon''': Yeah, who do you think you are? King Dedede?
:'''King Dedede''': You're in big trouble!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': That biker gang could strike again at any time! We've got to have a plan to defend ourselves!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': We're not gonna let you mess up Cappy Town!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Turbo''': My name's Turbo. Allow me to introduce our fearless leader: Fang!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fang''': First we gotta find a dude named Steppenwolf, but then we'll take care of Kirby for ya.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gus''': One of them bikers is an old friend of mine. You see, I used to belong to a motorcycle gang.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''NME Sales Guy''': Now hold up, Highness. Have you considered beating them with a track attack... by having a race? Of course, you'll need a place to race! That's expensive, but Nightmare Enterprises could be the sponsor!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': We gonna have a big race at the brand spankin' new DDD Speedway!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': It looks like Fang's racing circles around Kirby and the rest of the Cappy crew! Can the friends defeat the gang without Gus? Find out next time, on ''Kirby: Right Back at Ya!''

== [Episode 91] Born to Be Mild - Part II ([Episode 91] 爆走! デデデス・レース (後編))==
:'''Fang''': Just wait, Kirby. I'll finish you off later! Right now, I wanna make sure I win this race.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Melman''': You caused a lot of trouble when you were younger, but this is your chance to make up for it. Take that chance while you still can!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': That punk jockey ain't got a chance of beatin' Fang now!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': That grease monkey must've got out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Listen! According to this chemical analysis, the fuel in Fang's motorcycle couldn't have come from this planet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': What a surprise! It looks like our bad boy biker has been de-fanged by a rough-riding old-timer with a need for speed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Melman''': You can say all you want, Tiff. The important thing is that Fang is gone. Ooh, am I gonna be sore tonight...

== [Episode 92] Hunger Struck ([Episode 92] ワドルディの食文化大革命)==
:'''Escargoon''': Sire! Sire! You won't believe with those Waddle Dees! I just left him in the dining hall!
:'''King Dedede''': Good, don't bring him in here cause it might kill my appetite.
:'''Escargoon''': While you slurp that slot the Waddles Dees are having the feast. It's a gourmet meal with four different courses fit for a king.
:''[Dedede becomes enraged and he throw the cup of ramen noodles to Escargoon's face]''
:'''King Dedede''': If it's fit for a king, how come I ain't gettin' any?! Grrr!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[A Waddle Dee Eats A Cookie]''
:'''King Dedede''': No Way!
:'''Escargoon''': It adsorbed the cookie!
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, how'd it do that? It's munchin' alright...
:'''Escargoon''': Wonder how it flosses...
:'''King Dedede''': That's weird.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waddle Doo''': ''[to the Waddle Dees]'' The king's so stingy he put us on a starvation diet! Now our stomachs cry out for vengeance!
:''[cut to King Dedede and Escargoon being chased by angry Waddle Dees]''
:'''King Dedede''': We in trouble! My own guards is out to get me!
:'''Escargoon''': I've heard of hunger strikes before, but this is ridiculous!

== [Episode 93] D'Preciation Day ([Episode 93] カービィ感謝の日!) ==
:'''Tiff''': I know Dedede can be mean and nasty and selfish, but deep down, he really just wants to be loved. If we gave him a present, maybe he'd feel loved, and change his ways.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': I think you'd be a much better candidate for something like &quot;Take Your Tyrant to Lunch Day!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Nobody 'round here appreciates me, so I'm gonna start up a brand new tradition in Dream Land! There gonna be no more appreciation days. From now on, we only celebrating Dis Days!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waddle Doo''': Sorry, Kawasaki! King's orders!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Looks like Tiff's trying to disrupt Dis Day.
:'''King Dedede''': Just wait 'til she finds out who we dissin' next.
:''[Dedede and Escargoon break out laughing]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': 10. 9. 8.
:'''Escargoon''': 7. 6. 5. 4. 3.
:'''Tiff''': Spit it out, Kirby!
:'''King Dedede''': Here...
:'''Escargoon''': We...
:'''Both''': GO!!!
:''[Kirby's face becomes red and glows, and he then starts to spit gray smoke from his mouth, at such a force and speed that he is sent flying up in the air while spitting out more smoke]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Dedede's gone too far this time!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': I think he's rotten no matter how deep down you go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waddle Doo''': A message for you, Sire!
:'''King Dedede''': Who's it from?
:'''Escargoon''': It's from Tiff. She's inviting us to Kirby's memorial service.
:'''King Dedede''': His what?
:'''Escargoon''': I regret to inform you that Kirby is gone. We're gathering to bid farewell to him this afternoon. Please join us to pay your last respects.
:''[Both exclaims]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[King Dedede and Escargoon crying about Kirby's funeral]''
:'''King Dedede''': It's all our fault!
:'''Escargoon''': Forgive us, Kirby! That prank was His Majesty's idea, but I was the one who came up with the time bomb part! For once I wish I wasn't so brilliant!
:'''King Dedede''': Now I wish you weren't dumb as me!
:'''Escargoon''': How did that work possible? 
:'''King Dedede''': I never would have played that prank If I don't know this was gonna happen. I wish I could take it all back!
:'''Tiff''': Unfortunately, it's too late.
:'''King Dedede''': But there's got to be something I can do.
:'''Tiff''': You can't do start by promising not to play any more practical jokes on your subjects!
:'''King Dedede''': I PROMISE!! ''[crying]'' Here, Kirby. This one ain't got no time bomb.
:'''Tiff''': I'm sure he'd like that a lot.
:'''King Dedede''': I MISS YOU KIRBY OL' BUDDY! ''[cries]''
:'''Tiff''': I think Dedede is really sorry.
:'''Mayor Len''': I agree.
:'''Tuff''': Looks like he learned his lesson.
:''[Kirby hops out of the grave in order to eat the watermelon left for him. Dedede and Escargoon screams]''
:'''King Dedede''': He even got a hungry ghost!
:'''Tiff''': Oh, Kirby.
:''[Tuff groans]''
:'''Escargoon''': Kirby's not a ghost. The runt's still alive! A-ha! You were all playing a trick on His Majesty, weren't ya?
:'''King Dedede''': ''[whimpers as he cries]'' I'M GLAD HE'S OKAY!!!
:'''Escargoon''': You are?
:'''King Dedede''': It was dull bein' ruler of Dream Land before you came along. I need me an enemy!
:'''Tuff''': The king really has changed. 
:'''Tiff''': In his own twisted way he cares about Kirby.
:'''King Dedede''': Kirby...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waddle Doo''': The card says: This is Chuckie. Made especially for Kirby by Nightmare Enterprises.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Every day's Kirby appreciation day.
:'''Waddle Doo''': You've got a card, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': Huh? Somebody appreciates me too.
:'''Escargoon''': Here. Let's see. It's a bill from Nightmare Enterprises. They want 9 million D-Bills for that monster.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[whimpers as he cries]'' THERE ONLY APPRECIATED MY MONEY!!

== [Episode 94] The Thing About the Ring ([Episode 17] パームとメームの指輪物語) ==
:'''Tiff''': ''(to Sir Ebrum)'' How come you always act so weird on your anniversary? I don't get it. It's the same thing every time.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': There you are, my twinkling little treasures. I bet none of you's made of glass. Little does King Greedede know I've been collecting you glittery goo-gahs for years!

== [Episode 95] A Dental Dilemma ([Episode 32] 歯なしにならないハナシ)==
:'''Tiff''': Oh, please. I've had toothaches funnier than King Dedede.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': That's easy for him to say. PLEASE DON'T PULL MY TEETH OUT, DOCTOR!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': That maniac drilled so deep, I thought he was gonna strike oil.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': You could get cavities too, you know.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughs]'' My choppers is way too powerful to get conquered by cavities.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lady Like''': Tuff. I want you to brush your teeth before you go to bed tonight. You too, Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': But, Sire, you have to get that tooth filled.
:'''Dedede''': Ain't no way you gonna drag me there! I'd rather dive head-first into the Booma-Dooma Volcano!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Doctor Yabui won't hurt you, Sire.
:'''Dedede''': He had you shrieking like a smoke detector!

== [Episode 96] Cowardly Creature ([Episode 94] 脱走魔獣ファンファン) ==
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I can assure you we're not responsible, Triple-D. The escapee was part of our &quot;Young Monsters of the Future&quot; program. The training facility is secure, but it looks like somebody found a way to break into our computer system and sent one of our horrible hopefuls free.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I'm me, alrighty! I think it's about time to extra-cise my kingly duties and protect my subjects!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': In fact, I can assure you that the King is totally irresponsible!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': That poor thing's afraid! We have to do something!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Sire, what if he turns into Hammer Kirby?!
:'''King Dedede''': Now don't do nothin' rash! We yer friends, Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Whoa! That monster must be huge!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': I wish I knew why Phan Phan's so frightened all the time. I've never seen a monster act like this before.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Whippy''': Hitti hitti!

== [Episode 97] Frog Wild ([Episode 95] デビル・カービィ!)==
:'''Hana''': I don't know what's gotten into Kirby, but something has.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prof. Curio''': ''[crying]'' Oh no... how could you? My relics are just a pile of rubble now. Why did he come in here and smash them all? Why, Kirby?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuggle''': ''[crying]'' I'm always nice to Kirby! Why would he wanna do 'dis?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mabel''': What is wrong, Kirby? You do not seem to be your perky-pink self today.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': There has to be a misunderstanding. Kirby's a Star Warrior, not a juvenile delinquent!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': He done WHAT?!
:'''Escargoon''': Kirby's smashing up Cappy Town like a pink wrecking ball!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughs]'' He sees it's more fun to be a heel than a hero! But there's only room for one mischief-maker in this kingdom, and that's me!
:'''Escargoon''': Well now the Cappies are more scared of Kirby than they are you, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': Say what?
:'''Escargoon''': Maybe they're just afraid of Kirby because he's a dynamic-demonic ball of fire, and you're just a big bellied out of shape ball of blubber! ''[gets hit it with Dedede's mallet]''
:'''King Dedede''': Now you're out of shape. I'm checking this out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Oh, hello, Kirby. Come on in. I got some leftover turkey jerky hash if you want... Where you goin'? You don't have to have the hash. I can cook anything you want me to. Ah! You just name it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': He does look kind of scary.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[laughs]'' Who knew a half pint could be so horrifying?
:'''King Dedede''': I ain't gonna let that pipsqueak out leave me! ''[He jumps out of limousine]''
:'''Escargoon''': Wait, what are you gonna do!?
:'''King Dedede''': I'm gonna prove I'm more troublesome than Kirby is! 
:'''Escargoon''': Sire, I was only kidding!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[He enters in Kawasaki's restaurant]'' Hey you there, gumball!
:''[Kirby's evil state up-close for himself and Dedede gasped]''
:'''Escargoon''': You're much worse than Kirby. 
:''[Kirby's evil state up-close for himself, Escargoon screams and hides behind Dedede]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Forget it, Kirby ain't no threat to you Cappies. Why he's as harmless as a horse-fly!
:'''Tiff''': Yeah, anyone who knows Kirby knows that he wants to help us, not hurt us.
:'''King Dedede''': It's true. Why that goody-goody ain't got a bad bone in his body.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': ''[After Demon Kirby set the fire on Kawasaki's restaurant]'' Why, Kirby!? Why!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief Bookem''': He destroyed headquarters...
:''[King Dedede's limousine explodes within Chief Bookem's police station]''
:'''King Dedede''': There goes my limo!
:'''Escargoon''': Thanks, Kirby.
:'''King Dedede''': Now what am I gonna drive?
:'''Chief Bookem''': They're wiped out.
:''[All the cappies talking at once]''
:'''Tuff''': I can't believe this.
:'''Tokkori''': I always knew Kirby was trouble, but this takes the cake. That boy's gone ballistic!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief Bookem''': Attention all Cappies! Stay inside your homes! Keep your doors locked, and your windows shut! Kirby's on the loose!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At night, Dedede's castle]''
:'''King Dedede''': ''[offscreen]'' I ain't gonna let Kirby show me up.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': This is a surprise, D-Meister. Why the late night call?
:'''King Dedede''': Tell me who's the baddest bad guy in Dreamland?!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Is that a trick question?
:'''King Dedede''': You're supposed to say it's me!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I'd agree with that.
:'''King Dedede''': Well then Cappies thinks it's Kirby!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': No, how come? ''[As Dedede growls]''
:'''King Dedede''': '''HE SMASHED UP CAPPY TOWN!!'''
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': But Kirby's a good guy.
:'''Escargoon''': He's tearing through this kingdom on a debris spree!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''[laughs]'' Sounds to me like Kirby found your Demon Frog.
:'''King Dedede''': My Demon Frog?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Don't you recall the monster you ordered a couple months back? ''[imitates frog noises]''
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah. Now I remember that frog.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Majesty, that frog is a hoppin' horror show!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': If the Demon Frog really is inside Kirby, then there's no way he can be held responsible for attacking Cappy Town, because it was really the Demon Frog forcing him to do it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': We must find a way to make that Demon Frog leave Kirby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waddle Doo''': Sire! Emergency! Kirby's attacking the castle!
:'''King Dedede''': He is?! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Kirby! I told you to knock it off!
:''[Demon Kirby is still beating up Dedede and the Waddle Dees]''
:'''Tiff''': '''FOR THE LAST TIME! STOP, KIRBY!!!!'''
:''[The Demon Frog momentarily loses control of Kirby]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[after letting the Demon Frog after he transforms himself into Demon Dedede]'' You puny peewees better be scared, 'cause I'm the baddest dude on the whole planet!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': YOU BETTER LEAVE KIRBY ALONE!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': You should teach those two a lesson.
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, they're always scheming against you!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''Tiff''': It's time to give them both a taste of their own medicine!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''King Dedede''': Step away, Escargoon! ''[He kicks Escargoon on a ground and he run away]''
:'''Escargoon''': Wait, Sire! I'm a coward too!

== [Episode 98] Cappy Town Down ([Episode 98] 発進! 戦艦ハルバード) ==
:''[Kirby and friends arrive to find Cappy Town a smoldering wreck and thousands of Cappies homeless]''
:'''Tiff''': Oh, Tuff... This is terrible. The whole place was destroyed when that spaceship attacked. There's no Cappy Town left.
:'''Tuff''': I don't believe it.
:'''Tokkori''': Folks are sayin' this is your fault.
:''[Kirby lowers his head and lets out a sad Poyo. The Cappies turn to Kirby to try to take out their grief on him]''
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': When your ship crashed, we welcomed you to Cappy Town and now we're paying for it, Kirby.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Yeah. We lost everything because of you!
:'''Tuggle''': It was a mistake to let you live here.
:'''Buttercup''': Maybe it's time for you to move on.
:'''Gengu''': Yeah, this is all your fault, Kirby!
:''[Kirby lets out another sad Poyo, only for his friends to step in and defend him]''
:'''Tiff''': This isn't Kirby's fault. It's Dedede's fault!
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, what about all the times Kirby came to our rescue?
:'''Chief Bookem''': He sure didn't save us this time.
:'''Hana''': That's why we don't have a place to live anymore.
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': Cappy Town is in ruins.
:'''Melman''': There's not a mailbox left in the whole town.
:'''Samo''': It's a fine mess Kirby's got us in.
:'''Tiff''': Well this isn't gonna solve anything.
:'''Tuff''': Yeah! Now's the time to work together!
:''[The Cappies are questioning in a confused state while Tiff growls. Then she proudly grunts]''
:'''Tiff''': Come on! We can't give up now! Remember, we've been through tough times before. We'll pull through this one too!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo!
:'''Chief Bookem''': We just don't know what we should do, Tiff.
:'''Tiff''': Meta Knight will tell us. He wants to meet with all of us up in the castle.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': It's a phone.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': That isn't just an ordinary phone, Your Majesty. ''[Dedede's phone starts ringing with a familiar-sounding ringtone, and Dedede opens his phone to find Kirby and another familiar-sounding ringtone, this one being a remix of the theme song]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, what's that pink stinker doing in there?!
:'''Escargoon''': And what's with that annoying music?!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''(laughs)'' Nobody would ever suspect that you'd use a Kirby phone to call Nightmare Enterprises.
:'''King Dedede''': Great idea!
:'''Escargoon''': I wouldn't be surprised if we even get stuck with a phone bill.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[about the Halberd]'' Hey, what is that damn thing?
:'''Escargoon''': Sire, how am I supposed to know? But whatever it is, I think our friend at Nightmare Enterprises would be very interested in it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': The coming battle may well determine the fate of the galaxy.
:'''Tiff''': We can't give up without a fight.
:'''King Dedede''': Meta Knight, you's a dirty double-crosser! You've got some nerve building this here battleship in my basement!
:'''Escargoon''': And what's with this &quot;fate of the galaxy&quot; mumbo jumbo? You got that helmet on too tight?
:'''Meta Knight''': You still have a chance to join forces with us before it is too late.
:'''King Dedede''': Lemme see inside of that ship first.
:''(the door to the inside of the Halberd opens)''
:'''Meta Knight''': Follow me. I will take you to the bridge.
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah, I'd like to push you off one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': This is catastrophic.
:'''Samo''': How can we survive, Meta Knight?
:'''Prof. Curio''': Maybe we should just get rid of Kirby.
:'''Meta Knight''': Listen to me. eNeMeE is not just after Kirby. He will not stop until he controls the entire universe! We must all try to stop him!
:'''Tiff''': That's what this battleship's for, right?
:'''Tuff''': We can battle eNeMeE from inside here.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''Mabel''': This sounds crazy.
:'''Meta Knight''': The odds are against us, but you must decide now! I need a crew. Will you stand up and fight with me?
:''[the Cappies recoil in fear]''
:'''Samo''': You want us to fight?!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I'm a chef, not a soldier!
:'''Meta Knight''': I cannot fly this ship alone. Are there no brave volunteers? Chief Bookem!
:'''Chief Bookem''': Ah, I'd like to help, but I'm a lawman, not an airman.
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': I'm too old to volunteer.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I think I left my oven on!
:'''Mabel''': My crystal ball needs polishing!
:'''Gus''': Gotta go pump some gas!
:'''Prof. Curio''': Good luck, Meta Knight!
:''[the Cappies run out of the Halberd in terror]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Hey there, D. What's shakin'?
:'''King Dedede''': ME! You just blowed up my monster transmitter!
:'''Escargoon''': And you nearly got us, too!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Kirby doesn't stand a chance without help.
:''[the Cappies turn around and notice Kit Cosmos]''
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Well what're you waitin' for? We can't let a Star Warrior battle alone!
:'''Samo''': Who is he?
:'''Mabel''': I don't know, but he could use a shave.
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Sergeant Kit Cosmos! I served with Meta Knight and the Star Warrior force and I'm reportin' for duty.
:'''Iro''': Tiff told us about you.
:'''Honey''': He's a big hero.
:'''Spikehead''': You live on that island.
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Kirby and his squad found me there, and when they went home, I chose to stay. But now I've come to help Kirby take on eNeMeE. All right then, who's ready to fight alongside me?
:'''Samo''': He certainly is a tough cookie.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Yeah. Even tougher than my cookies.
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Will you stand alongside me, or are you a cowering coward?
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': We can't fight, Sergeant.
:'''Prof. Curio''': We're not soldiers.
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Not soldiers? Is that a reason for you to stand there and do nothin'?! Kirby's riskin' his life to save your planet, and it's your duty to help him!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Look who's here.
:'''Tiff''': Sergeant Cosmos!
:'''Kit Cosmos''': I'd never miss a fight if I can help it. ''[Meta Knight steps out to greet him]'' Meta Knight sir!
:'''Meta Knight''': What brings you here?
:'''Kit Cosmos''': I may be a soldier who's over the hill, but I'm proud to serve one last time, if you'll have me.
:'''Meta Knight''': I will.
:'''Kit Cosmos''': It'll be an honor, sir.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I can mess up the mess hall, so count me in too!
:'''Dr. Yabui''': You'll need a medic.
:'''Gus''': And I've got the muscle to tune this baby up for ya!
:'''Tiff''': Thanks, guys! But not all of us can go.
:'''Tuff''': Yeah. Somebody's gotta stay behind to start rebuilding Cappy Town.
:'''Prof. Curio''': Hmmm. We never thought of that, did we?
:'''Gengu''': Yeah, I guess you're... ''[the area around them shakes again]''
:'''Sword Knight''': All volunteers on board.
:'''Blade Knight''': ''*mumbling*'' Help Kirby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Hey, sire. What were you supposed to do again?
:'''King Dedede''': I was supposed to plant this here time bomb on the ship.
:'''Escargoon''': We weren't supposed to be on the ship, were we?
:'''King Dedede''': Aaah! Get me outta here!

== [Episode 99] Combat Kirby ([Episode 99] 撃滅! ナイトメア大要塞) ==
:'''Sword Knight''': Don't worry. She'll be fine. This ship's made to move at hyper speeds.
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, but none of us are.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': Some wormhole. I don't see no worms nowhere.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Our sensors go to have picked up some sort of battleship coming out of a wormhole one light year away. It appears that Kirby and Meta Knight have decided to attack us with their puny little battle barge.
:'''Nightmare''': They are growing desperate. They'll realize I have them beaten. I was hoping they'd be foolish enough to attack, so I've prepared a surprise for them.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': The capsule's set, sir. I'll send it on its way. ''[sends out a capsule containing Heavy Lobster]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Cooking this space food is as easy as boiling water!
:'''Samo''': This is the first time I ever enjoyed Kawasaki's cooking.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Can I boil you some dessert?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Yabui''': Rather dull up here. When I don't have any patients to see, I get rather impatient.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Isn't there any place we can go to get away from you two?
:'''Tiff''': I should've guessed you'd try and stow away.
:'''Escargoon''': We have a right to be here, sister!
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah, this ship was built on my property.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': What are you doing here?!
:'''King Dedede''': I'm comin' along to give you all a helping hand! I'm sick and tired of eNeMeE sending me all them defective monsters!
:'''Escargoon''': What else can we say? We're disgruntled.
:'''King Dedede''': I'm gonna show them crooked creepos that they've done ripped off this here king for the last time!
:'''Tiff''': Well we don't believe a word you say!
:'''Meta Knight''': Do your duty, Chief.
:'''Chief Bookem''': I'm lockin' you up as non-combatant detainees.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': You think he was trying to tell me something.
:'''Escargoon''': He did sound awfully final.
:''[King Dedede and Escargoon screaming in shocked. And they hugged in panicking]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': I think we got ourselves a monster!
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, there must be some mistake. I didn't order no monster from ya!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': We sent this monster to you for free, Your Majesty.
:'''King Dedede''': Well I don't want no favors from ya, so just take it all back, ya hear?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': You ain't nothing but a cheap chizzlin' cheater and now we gonna settle the score with ya.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Can't we just talk this over?
:'''King Dedede''': It's too late! We just found your space fortress and now we gonna make a sneak attack!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Thanks for the tip off, Big D. ''[to the other members of N.M.E.]'' Prepare for attack. Launch all Destraya ships immediately! ''[signs out]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, that chump just hung up on me!
:'''Tiff''': You're the one who's the chump!
:'''Tuff''': Thanks to you, they know our whole plan now.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[he and Dedede are shocked by what Tiff &amp; Tuff just said]'' That sales guy just tricked you again, sire.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Laughs]'' Least I don't have to pay that phone bill.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gus''': They got thousands of those flyin' hub-cabs!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Maybe we should go back while there's still time.
:'''Chief Bookem''': I agree. There's no way we can win this.
:'''Meta Knight''': We will not retreat. We must enter the fortress and fight to the finish!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[three Destraya ships suddenly attack the other Destraya ships to everybody's amazement]''
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': What's going on? They're fighting each other.
:'''Tuff''': And they're not attackin' us.
:'''Tiff''': What's eNeMeE up to now?
:'''Meta Knight''': We are not fighting this battle alone.
:'''Knuckle Joe''': ''[turns on his screen to contact the Halberd crew]'' Hey, how's it going, gang?
:'''Tiff''': Knuckle Joe!
:'''Knuckle Joe''': I took over a Destraya and was hoping you'd let me join your party.
:'''Sirica''': ''[her screen comes on as well]'' Do you remember me? I came along to help, too.
:'''Tiff''': Hey, that's Sirica!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo!
:'''Sirica''': Knuckle Joe and I have become friends now and we're teaming up to help you defeat eNeMeE.
:'''Sir Arthur''': ''[his and his knights' screen comes on as well]'' And we will be joining the battle as well.
:'''Meta Knight''': Arthur, and the rest of the Star Warriors!
:'''Sir Arthur''': We were able to raid the fortress and commandeer some Destraya ships. We will clear the way for you to enter the fortress so you and Kirby can challenge eNeMeE.
:'''Meta Knight''': It'll be an honor.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''Knuckle Joe''': But right now, just sit back and let us handle that fleet.
:'''Sirica''': Now onto victory!
:'''Sir Arthur''': Full speed ahead!
:''[the three Destrayas that Knuckle Joe, Sirica, Sir Arthur and his knights stole destroy the other Destrayas]''
:'''Tiff''': They destroyed the enemy ships!
:'''Meta Knight''': Yes! Now we can enter the fortress. Set sail for liftoff! ''[the Halberd blasts its way past more Destrayas and successfully enters the entrance to Nightmare's fortress]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief Bookem''': It's awful quiet.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I wonder why nobody's attacking us.
:'''Tuff''': Maybe they've given up.
:'''Sword Knight''': Detecting something big, closing fast.
:'''Tiff''': Look there!
:'''Kirby''': Pooo...
:''[Nightmare, finally stepping out of the shadows after 98 episodes, makes himself known to the Halberd crew through a giant projection of himself]''
:'''Meta Knight''': eNeMeE...
:'''Nightmare''': Heh. It was a mistake to come here, Kirby. As you can see, you and your puny band of Star Warriors pose no threat to me. Challenging me is the last mistake you will ever make!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo!
:''[Nightmare laughs evilly]''
:'''Meta Knight''': Follow him.

== [Episode 100] Fright to the Finish ([Episode 100] 飛べ! 星のカービィ) ==
:'''Tiff''': Meta Knight, those blasts went right through him.
:'''Meta Knight''': He has led us into a trap!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': I guess Kirby's gonna beat us once and for all, Sire.
:''[Dedede's cell phone starts ringing]''
:'''King Dedede''': What's that sound?
:'''Escargoon''': Your phone. ''[Dedede pulls out his phone and struggles to catch it]'' Ugh, that music's annoying. I wish you'd put it on vibrate. ''[Dedede catches his phone]''
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Hey there! Are you ready to surrender yet, Your Majesty?
:'''Escargoon''': You bet we are.
:'''King Dedede''': I ain't never gonna wave no white flag!
:'''Escargoon''': Forget His Highness. Can you at least save me?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': If you'd like to negotiate, you'll have to speak with my boss. ''[reveals Nightmare, who hypnotizes both Dedede and Escargoon]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sword Knight''': ''[using King Dedede's cell phone that he dropped to track the signal]'' The signal's coming from up there.
:'''Gus''': Must be the command center.
:'''Dr. Yabui''': That's where they control the fortress.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Hey, let's set up a blast up there and wreck the place. That'll stop eNeMeE!
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, but who can do it?
:'''Tokkori''': It's your idea, so you oughtta go.
:''[Chef Kawasaki gasps]''
:'''Kit Cosmos''': ''[laughs heartily]'' Don't worry. I'm comin' along to provide backup support.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I wish I never cooked up this idea.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Thanks for the special delivery.
:'''King Dedede''': I know that voice. You're the sales dude!
:'''Escargoon''': We've never actually seen you in person before.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Well you're in for a little surprise. ''[turns his chair around, and, to the surprise of Tiff, Dedede, and Escargoon, reveals that he has stubby feet similar to other Kirby characters and is only about as tall as Escargoon]''
:'''King Dedede''': You look a lot taller on the TV screen.
:'''Escargoon''': You're almost as shrimpy as Kirby.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Hohohohoho! I may be shrimpy, but I'm a whale of a salesman. And now, we'll take the kid. ''[Nightmare grabs Tiff]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nightmare''': It's too late, child. Kirby is about to face his worst nightmare...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''[evilly laughs]'' Kirby's falling right into our trap, thanks to you.
:'''King Dedede''': Hold it! We've got a problem here.
:'''Escargoon''': We could use some refreshments.
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah. How about showing us some grinditude with some grub?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I'm afraid I can't help you fellas. There's no kitchen in the command center.
:'''Escargoon''': We'll call Kawasaki!
:'''King Dedede''': Oooh! ''[laughs and grabs the microphone]'' Yo, Kawasaki! Whip me up a little something and rush it to me right away!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Here you go, sire! Liver and spinach surprise.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': How'd he get in here!?
:'''King Dedede''': Oh boy! Home cooking! ''(sits down to eat Kawasaki's cooking and enjoys it)'' Mmm. This here dish is delish! Go on. Have a bite.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': No thanks, I'm not...
:'''King Dedede''': ''[shoves the liver into the N.M.E. Sales Guy's mouth]'' You're gonna love it! ''[laughs]''
:'''Escargoon''': ''[as the N.M.E. Sales Guy turns around, unable to handle the taste of Kawasaki's cooking]'' Bet ya never tasted anything like that!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nightmare''': This is checkmate, Kirby. The game is up!
:'''Tiff''': You brought Kirby here because this is where you make nightmares! But he's not afraid of you and your tricks.
:'''Nightmare''': We shall see about that! Before this match is over, you will both learn the force of my power. ''[evilly laughs]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': We can use the monster delivery system here to deliver us home.
:'''Tokkori''': You don't seriously expect us to use that contraption, do ya?
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Hm. It's worth a try.
:'''Meta Knight''': But it is close to the place where you planted that bomb.
:''[the rest of the crew gasp]''
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': We have to go back?
:'''Meta Knight''': Yes, and we do not have a moment to lose!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nightmare''': He has used up all of his energy. Kirby is now completely helpless. I can crush him with little effort... But first, some fun! I shall enter Kirby's sleep and give him a nightmare, and you can join him. This dream will be a real scream!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nightmare''': ''[screams in terror as Kirby surrounds him with a barrage of stars from the Star Rod]'' No! How did Kirby discover the secret? That pitiful little Star Warrior has found my only weakness. I am helpless against the power of the Star Rod!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': eNeMeE is really a living nightmare, so the only place you could beat him was inside a dream. Good work, Kirby! You are the only Star Warrior who gets the secret of the Star Rod and can use it against eNeMeE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[About Tuff, Meta Knight, and the Cappies]'' We better go look for the others now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Hi, everybody!
:'''Tuff''': Hey, Tiff!
:'''Tiff''': Kirby battled eNeMeE and he beat him!
:''[everyone cheers now that they've heard the good news]''
:'''Tiff''': Where are you guys going?
:'''Tuff''': The Halberd was blown away. We have to escape before our bomb goes off!
:''[Tiff and Kirby gasp upon hearing Tuff's own fair share of news]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughs]'' That liver sure made you shiver!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''[brushing his teeth to get the taste of Kawasaki's cooking out of his mouth]'' I was completely disgusted!
:'''Escargoon''': Now you know how we feel about you!
:''[both laugh until they are suddenly interrupted by the Halberd's crew barging into the command center]''
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': There's the monster delivery system!
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, what's goin' on?!
:'''Chief Bookem''': Kirby beat eNeMeE and now we're gonna destroy this place!
:'''King Dedede''': No way!
:''[the N.M.E. Sales Guy gasps in shock and terror after having heard what Chief Bookem just said and makes a run for it]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sir Arthur''': Kirby and his crew have actually done it.
:'''Knuckle Joe''': I hope they had time to...get away.
:'''Sirica''': Good luck, my friends.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Last line, series finale; the sun rises over the horizon and the people look on at the fully-rebuilt Cappy Town happily]''
:'''Mayor Len''': Cappy Town's as beautiful as ever.
:'''Mabel''': It was hard work, but we rebuilt it together.
:'''Tiff''': Everything's back to normal.
:'''Escargoon''': Except for the castle...''[he and King Dedede look at the still-damaged Castle Dedede]'' It's still a wreck.
:'''King Dedede''': And I ain't even got me a way to order me no more monsters.
:'''Meta Knight''': ''[holds Dedede's cell phone out]'' What about this?
:'''King Dedede''': Ah! Gimme!
:''[King Dedede turns his cell phone on only to find its monitor all fuzzed out due to the destruction of Nightmare's fortress and the command center that was inside it, and he and Escargoon sigh in sadness. Tiff, Tuff, &amp; Kirby laugh at the two and then look back at Cappy Town]''
:'''Tiff''': And so Kirby saved the galaxy and proved himself to be the greatest Star Warrior of all... and life in Dream Land went back to normal. But I suppose that with Kirby around, life will always be an adventure. Isn't that right, Kirby?
:'''Kirby''': Puuu... Poyo!

== English Voice Cast ==
:[[w:Makiko Ohmoto|Makiko Ohmoto]] (Japanese voice kept) – Kirby and Kirbysaurus (Ep 76)
:[[w:Kerry Williams|Kerry Williams]] – Tiff and Tiffasaurus (Ep 76)
:[[w:Kayzie Rogers|Kayzie Rogers]] – Tuff, Lady Like, Hana, Honey, and Tuffadactyl (Ep 76)
:[[w:Ted Lewis|Ted Lewis]] – King Dedede, Escargoon, Escargoon's Mother, Amon, D-Rex (Ep 75-76), Escarsaurus (Ep 76), Escar-Droid, Rekketsu (Ep 83), Crowmon (Ep 87), and Maimaigoon (Ep 88)
:[[w:Eric Stuart|Eric Stuart]] – Meta Knight, Gus, Sword Knight, Blade Knight, Coo, Slice n' Splice, and Yamikage
:[[w:Andrew Rannells|Andrew Rannells]] – Chief Bookem (75–100), Nightmare, Rick, Benikage, Max Flexer, and Bookemsaurus (Ep 76)
:[[w:Maddie Blaustein|Maddie Blaustein]] – Chef Kawasaki, Gengu, Tuggle, Biblio, Waddle Doo, Mr. Curio, Melman, Hardy, Kawasakisaurus (Ep 76), and Bonkers
:[[w:Mike Pollock|Mike Pollock]] – Mayor Len, Samo, Kit Cosmos, Chef Shittake, Lensaurus (Ep 76) and Samosaurus (Ep 76)
:[[w:Amy Birnbaum|Amy Birnbaum]] – Kirby (speaking parts in early episodes), Spikehead and Mabel
:[[w:David Lapkin|David Lapkin]] – Sir Ebrum, Dr. Yabui, Mr. Chip (Ep 83), and Dis Walney (Ep 89)
:[[w:Veronica Taylor|Veronica Taylor]] – Rowlin and Sirica
:[[w:Darren Dunstan|Darren Dunstan]] – Kine and Dr. Moro
:[[w:Jerry Lobozzo|Jerry Lobozzo]] – Chief Bookem (1–75)
:[[w:Tara Jayne|Tara Jayne]] – Fololo, Falala, Princess Rona, and Commander Vee
:[[w:Dan Green|Dan Green]] – NME Salesman and Whispy Woods
:[[w:Kevin Kolack|Kevin Kolack]] – Tokkori, Knuckle Joe
:[[w:Jim Napolitano|Jim Napolitano]] – Kabu and Iro
:[[w:James Carter Cathcart|James Carter Cathcart]] – Sir Gallant
:[[w:Lisa Ortiz|Lisa Ortiz]] – Buttercup, Mabel, and Lovely

== Japanese Voice Cast ==

{{Wikipedia}}
:[[w:Makiko Ohmoto|Makiko Ohmoto]] – Kirby, Hohhe, and Rick
:[[w:Sayuri Yoshida|Sayuri Yoshida]] – Fumu
:[[w:Rika Komatsu|Rika Komatsu]] – Bun 
:[[w:Kenichi Ogata (voice actor)|Kenichi Ogata]] – King Dedede
:[[w:Naoki Tatsuta|Naoki Tatsuta]] – Escargon
:[[w:Atsushi Kisaichi|Atsushi Kisaichi]] – Sir Meta Knight and Chief Borun
:[[w:Yuko Mizutani|Yuko Mizutani]] – Memu, Mabel, Waddle Doo, Lovely, Mini-Galbo, Walky, Phan-Phan, and Devil Frog
:[[w:Takashi Nagasako|Takashi Nagasako]] – Parm, Mayor Len, Professor Curio, and Beat 
:[[w:Chiro Kanzaki|Chiro Kanzaki]] – Lololo, Blade Knight, Kana, Iroo and Coo
:[[w:Madoka Akita|Madoka Akita]] – Lalala, Sato, Honey, Iroo's Mother, Princess Rona, Scarfy, and The Twin Nuts
:[[w:Osamu Hosoi|Osamu Hosoi]] – Gus, Whispy Woods, and Kittari Hattari
:[[w:Banjo Ginga|Banjo Ginga]] – Customer Service and Nightmare
:[[w:Fujiko Takimoto|Fujiko Takimoto]] – Tokkori and Honey's Mother 
:[[w:Hiroshi Naka|Hiroshi Naka]] – Dakonyo and Dr. Moro
:[[w:Isshin Chiba|Isshin Chiba]] – Yamikage and Monsieur Goan
:[[w:Kazunori Sekine|Kazunori Sekine]] – Dr. Yabui and Bibli
:[[w:Mizuki Saito|Mizuki Saito]] – Gangu and Tago
:[[w:Bin Shimada|Bin Shimada]] – Quixano
:[[w:Hikaru Tokita|Hikaru Tokita]] – Sword Knight
:[[w:Junichi Sugawara|Junichi Sugawara]] – Cook Osaka
:[[w:Kazue Ikura|Kazue Ikura]] – Broom King
:[[w:Keiko Yamamoto|Keiko Yamamoto]] – Escargon's Mother
:[[w:Minami Takayama|Minami Takayama]] – Knuckle Joe
:[[w:Kumiko Watanabe|Kumiko Watanabe]] – Benikage
:[[w:Norio Tsuboi|Norio Tsuboi]] – Chef Nagoya
:[[w:Shigeru Nakahara|Shigeru Nakahara]] – Mr. Chip
:[[w:Tomoe Hanba|Tomoe Hanba]] – Silica
:[[w:Tomomichi Nishimura|Tomomichi Nishimura]] – Master Bacteria
:[[w:Yuko Sasamoto|Yuko Sasamoto]] – Vee (Princess Rona)
:[[w:Yumi Toma|Yumi Toma]] – Rowlin

[[Category:Fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:Anime]]
[[Category:Japanese TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:FOX shows]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3147970</id>
      <parentid>3147969</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T01:52:36Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1702:3460:3310:A4F8:44D6:506B:B96D</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* [Episode 70] Buccaneer Birdy ([Episode 70] トッコリ卿の伝説) */</comment>
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{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Kirby: Right Back at Ya!|Kirby: Right Back at Ya!]]''''', known in Japan as Hoshi no Kirby (星のカービィ Hoshi no Kābī, Kirby of the Stars), is a Japanese anime series created by Warpstar, Inc. and based on Nintendo's Kirby franchise. The series ran for one hundred episodes from October 6, 2001 to September 27, 2003. The series aired on Chubu-Nippon Broadcasting in Japan and in the United States on 4Kids TV; 4Kids Entertainment heavily edited the content in the process.

== [Episode 1] Kirby Comes to Cappy Town ([Episode 1] 出た! ピンクの訪問者)==
:'''Escargoon''': Monster!? That's ridiculous! There's no monster in this castle!
:'''Cappy''': Yes there is! It's big and it eats everything in sight!
:'''Escargoon''': That's King Dedede! There's no monster. Now why don't you go on back to your little trailer park so the King can have his supper in peace?
:'''Tiff''': Hey, wait a minute, Escargoon! Not so fast! ''[Tiff, her brother Tuff, and their parents Sir Ebrum and Lady Like appear]'' How do we know you're not lying again?
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, like you usually do?
:'''Escargoon''': You have no right to speak to me that way. Your parents should slap you silly.
:'''Tiff''': Papa, something funny's going on!
:'''Sir Ebrum''': You might be right, Tiff. A monster is the kind of thing that Dedede would love.
:'''Lady Like''': The king must be behind this!
:'''Escargoon''': You're court official. How dare you accuse his royal highness! ''[to King Dedede]'' Want me to check 'em in for a two-week stay in the dungeon, sweet kingey?
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Laughs and turns to face everyone else]'' A monster, huh? Would the monster happen to look anything that?
:''[He points to a fish tank containing a small octopus]''
:'''Cappy''': That's it! That's the monster! Except it was a hundred times bigger!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughs]'' Well you can see this ain't no monster, it's my new pet octopus. The only thing he likes to eat is sardines.
:''[He drops one in the tanks. The octopus eats it]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hehehehe. Little fella wouldn't hurt a fly less it was on the end of a fish hook!
:'''Escargoon''': Of course it wouldn't. Now get out and go back to your trailer park so the king can have his dessert! Go on! Poof, you're gone!
:''[Tiff runs up to the octopus. The two exchange stares]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kabu''': Tell me, citizens of Dreamland. For what purpose have you come to consult me?
:'''Sir Ebrum''': We seek your wisdom and knowledge Kabu! For three nights a giant monster has been stealing our sheep.
:'''Lady Like''': And it's robbing me of my beauty sleep.
:'''Mayor Len''': King Dedede says it's not his monster...
:'''Chief Bookem''': But I don't believe that rascal.
:'''Tuff''': You know the truth, Kabu!
:'''Tiff''': Please tell us where the monster is, Kabu, and how we can make it go away.
:'''Kabu''': The monster is here. And all of Dreamland is in grave danger.
:'''Tiff''': Why did he come here?
:'''Kabu''': It was called here by your own King Dedede. ''[in the distance, Dedede and Escargoon are watching from Dedede's tank]''
:'''Escargoon''': Sounds like the big Kabu-na's got your number, crownie.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[punches Escargoon on the head]'' That tattle-telling tiki!
:'''Kabu''': The monster was created, by one far more powerful than King Dedede.
:'''Chief Bookem''': I'd like to lock both of them up.
:'''Mayor Len''': What can we do to stop them?
:'''Kabu''': There is nothing you can do.
:''[Everyone is in shock]''
:'''Sir Ebrum''': Oh dear!
:'''Lady Like''': Oh dear me!
:'''Falala''': Is Dreamland doomed?
:'''Tiff''': Can anybody help, Kabu?
:'''Kabu''': There is one hope... a Star Warrior traveling through space... whose name is Kirby.
:'''Tiff''': Kirby.
:'''Tuff''': Yay, Kirby!
:'''Tiff''': Hmmm, bet he's cute!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[He and Escargoon enter]'' That's trash you're talking, Kabu. Ain't no such person as Kirby.
:'''Escargoon''': That's right. You're full of Kabu-loney.
:'''Kabu''': Kabu can see the future.
:'''King Dedede''': Then why don't you predict what's gonna happen when I push this here button?
:'''Kabu''': I predict you will not push it.
:'''King Dedede''': Hey Escargoon, did ya hear that one? ''[laughs]'' Well I predict you're dead wrong!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': It's gotta be impossible, but your name wouldn't happen to be &quot;Kirby&quot;?!
:'''Kirby''': Kirby! Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[After Kirby saves her from falling to her death]'' Kirby just saved my life.
:'''Tuff''': A monster wouldn't have done that, Tiff.
:'''Fololo''': You're right, Tuff.
:'''Falala''': Maybe Kirby is a Star Warrior.
:'''Tiff''': ''[dusting herself]'' Impossible, Falala. Warriors are big and strong, not pink and puffy! ''[Kirby walks by her, surprising her]''
:'''Tuff''': Hey, where are you going? ''[Kirby runs faster, and he, Fololo &amp; Falala give chase]'' Hey, wait up!
:'''Fololo''': He doesn't understand!
:'''Falala''': Don't let him get away, Fololo!
:'''Tiff''': Some warrior.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': My parents work for the King, and we live in the castle. In case you were wondering, my name's Tiff.
:'''Kirby''': Name Tiff.
:''(Tiff gasps)''
:'''Kirby''': Name Tiff!
:'''Tuff''': I'm her brother, Tuff.
:'''Kirby''': Tuff.
:'''Fololo''': And we're their friends Fololo...
:'''Falala''': ... and Falala!
:'''Kirby''': Fololo, Falala?
:'''Tuff''': Guess Kirby must be a baby warrior.
:''[Tiff, Tuff, Fololo, and Falala laugh]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Len''': ...And as Mayor of Cappy Town, I know I speak for everyone when I say we're pleased and proud to welcome our honored guest, the mighty Star Warrior Kirby.
:'''Chief Bookem''': I can speak for myself, thank you.
:'''Mayor Len''': Hah, we all know that, Chief Bookem.
:'''Tuff''': Let's hurry up and eat.
:'''Tiff''': Kirby doesn't understand what you're saying anyway.
:'''Mayor Len''': Then let's dig in, shall we?
:''[Kirby inhales everyone's dinner and then spits their accessories, plates, and silverware back out]''
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''Tuff''': ''[yells in frustration and falls face-first on the table surface]'' I knew I should've started eatin'.
:'''Tiff''': Hey, what's the big idea, Kirby?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Careful with that starship, snailbrain! Once we get it fixed, we can send Kirby back where he came from.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Why does he have to be so abusive? Self-esteem issues, anyone?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Welcome to Nightmare Enterprises, King Dedede. How may I assist you?
:'''King Dedede''': Look, pal, I don't like to complain, but I paid you folks a lot of money for an octopus monster and it turned out to be a little shrimp.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Just give it time, Your Highness, and I guarantee that little shrimp will grow on you.
:'''King Dedede''': Alright.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[screams upon seeing that Octacon has grown to its true size]'' HOLY CALAMARI!
:'''Escargoon''': Get back in your tank, you overgrown appetizer!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[tackles Escargoon]'' Find the receipt for this thing, 'cause I want my money back!
:'''Meta Knight''': You had better leave, Sire.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': ''[about what Kirby did to Octacon's miniature octopus]'' He sucked 'em up.
:'''Tiff''': Just like he sucked up our dinner.
:'''Meta Knight''': It is Kirby's classic defense - inhale.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': ''[about Kirby's transformation]'' That is Kirby's copy ability. After inhaling an attack, Kirby can transform himself. Kirby has now become... Fire Kirby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': There goes my refund.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, I do believe we've been starstruck.

== [Episode 2] A Blockbuster Battle ([Episode 2] 大変! 戦士のおうち探し)==
:'''King Dedede''': They look like rejects to me. I need something strong enough to get rid of Kirby...for good!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Kirby's sure striking out with the plates.
:'''King Dedede''': Then let's see if he can slide.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[about Blocky]'' This thing's even heavier than you, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah. Big enough to beat Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': You dumb blockhead!
:'''Escargoon''': We're sunk and so is he!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I'm gonna miss my little Blocky!
:'''Escargoon''': Well, Sire, it just goes to show you you shouldn't take your monsters for granite.

== [Episode 3] Kirby's Duel Role ([Episode 3] え! メタナイト卿と対決?) ==
:'''Tiff''': Meta Knight came here to see you, didn't he, Kabu?
:'''Kabu''': He came here to consult with me about the threat to the planet.
:'''Tiff''': Threat to the planet? What do you mean?
:'''Kabu''': There is a secret empire of evil ruled by one known as eNeMeE. ''[does a flashback to a shadowed Nightmare placing Chess monsters on the chessboard in his lair]'' It is his plan to control the entire universe. He creates monsters and delivers them to customers like Dedede, who do not know their true purpose. But eNeMeE made one grave mistake. ''[Nightmare grimaces in pain as the shadowed sphere he was about to place on the chessboard has just stabbed his finger with a sword]'' One creature was produced that would not obey his orders, and eNeMeE fears it may defeat him. ''[Nightmare furiously slams the chessboard as the flashback ends]''
:'''Tiff''': The creature must be... Kirby.
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, and that must be why eNeMeE's trying to get rid of him.
:'''Kabu''': That is the likely explanation.
:'''Tiff''': Well, we better get going. Thanks a lot, Kabu.
:'''Tuff''': Hey, Kabu. Where'd ya learn all that stuff?
:'''Kabu''': I learned it long ago, from Meta Knight.
:'''Tuff''': Say what?!
:'''Tiff''': From Meta Knight?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Well, that pink punk ain't gonna make a monkey out of King Dedede. ''[starts driving back to his castle only to be interrupted by Meta Knight]'' Outta my way, Meta Knight!
:'''Meta Knight''': Sire, it is my duty to warn you. Kirby has great power now.
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah? Well, who's the king around here, you or me?
:'''Escargoon''': Move it or lose it!
:'''Meta Knight''': It pains me to do this, sire. But I'm afraid I must. ''[kicks Dedede's tank downhill]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey! What's happening?!
:'''Escargoon''': We're going backwards!
:'''King Dedede''': I know that! Hit the brakes!
:'''Escargoon''': They won't hold, we're gonna crash!
:'''King Dedede''': Do something!
:'''Escargoon''': Like what?!
:'''King Dedede''': Break my fall!
:''[The tank reverses off a nearby cliff and crashes off-screen]''

== [Episode 4] Dark and Stormy Knight ([Episode 4] 星の戦士のひみつ) ==
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Sorry, Your Majesty. But our contract says that Kracko can't be sent backo! ''[laughs]''

== [Episode 5] Beware: Whispy Woods! ([Episode 5] 怒れ! ウィスピーウッズ) ==
:'''Tiff:''' Our planet's ecosystem is a marvel of symbiotic relationships among all living things large and small. Wow, isn't that amazing, Kirby? ''(notices Kirby is missing)'' Kirby? Kirby!
:'''Tuff:''' I guess Kirby must've got bored and went for a walk or something.

== [Episode 6] Un-Reality TV ([Episode 6] 見るぞい! チャンネルDDD)==
:'''Tiff''': WE USED TO HAVE LIVES BEFORE TELEVISION!!!!!

== [Episode 7] Kirby's Egg-Cellent Adventure ([Episode 7] 逆襲! ダイナブレイド) ==
:'''King Dedede''': Look at all the variety. There's shy birds, fly birds, blue birds, two birds, crazy birds, and lazy birds!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Remind me to install some escalators on this mountain.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[singing]'' ''♪ Dyna Blade had an egg she laid, E-I-E-I-O. But a handsome king had a plan he made, E-I-E-I-O. When Kirby eats that big old egg, Dyna Blade's gonna grab him by the leg, drag him away to a secret lair, finally get Kirby out of my hair. ♪'' Dyna Blade... Hey, look!
:'''Escargoon''': Let's hide.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Our deeds bind us to fate as surely as the sun sets.
:'''Tiff''': Could you say that in English?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Kirby, I was only kidding! You'd be too tough for anybody to eat.

== [Episode 8] Curio's Curious Discovery ([Episode 8] キュリオ氏の古代プププ文明) ==

:'''Tiff''': Remember what you always say. The most important thing isn't to show your theories right, but to dig all the way to the truth!

== [Episode 9] The Fofa Factor ([Episode 9] ロロロとラララ愛のメロディ)==
:'''Escargoon''': Sire, a message from your fortune teller.
:'''King Dedede''': Well? What's my soothsayer say?
:'''Escargoon''': I'm lookin', I'm lookin! It says, &quot;If you look for trouble, your trouble will double.&quot;
:'''King Dedede''': Hmph. What's that mumbo-gumbo supposed to mean?
:'''Escargoon''': I'm not sure, but there's more.
:'''King Dedede''': Good. Is it next week's lottery numbers?
:'''Escargoon''': If it was, I wouldn't tell you. It says, &quot;Your account is past due. Pay up, you cheap tightwad!&quot; ''[Dedede hammers him]'' Great. Just 'cause I'm a snail, I get slugged.
:'''King Dedede''': Well I'll show her. I'm ordering a new monster.
:'''Escargoon''': Did you order me some aspirin?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Say, you Cappies look kinda sheepish. Hah! Sheepish! That's a good one! ''[laughs]''
:'''Chief Bookem''': King Dedede! ''[Dedede looks at Bookem with a shocked expression on his face]'' Body-snatchin's illegal.
:'''King Dedede''': So what? You may have my body, but I'm still head around here!
:'''Mayor Len''': We demand you return us to normal, your highness. We're one furious flock!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Boy Kirby and Girl Kirby laugh]''
:'''Falala''': I think we'd better keep it down guys.
:'''Fololo''': Falala, they look just like us!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fofa''': No! Let me go, you creep! I don't wanna be sent to hurt anybody!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': All you can do is float in the air, you useless little clown. We're splitting you in two.
:'''Fofa''': In two?! No please, you can't!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': ''[after Slice n' Splice's sun rod has disintegrated]'' It's too late to use it now. The sun rod bit the dust.
:'''Tiff''': I'm really sorry that we couldn't put you two back together again.
:'''Falala''': That's okay. We may have two bodies...
:'''Fololo''': But we've got one heart. [he and Falala hug each other]

== [Episode 10] Hail to the Chief ([Episode 10] ボルン署長をリニュアルせよ)==
:'''Mayor Len''': Lunatics! This is a road, not a bumper car track!
:'''Escargoon''': It's your fault. I guess you haven't heard the King's always got the right of way.
:'''King Dedede''': Just ask the DDDMV!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': You could have been hurt in that crash, but luckily your stomach acts as a built-in airbag.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuggle''': The King's firing Chief Bookem?
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': There goes my doughnut sales.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Those bees gave me so many lumps that I feel like a bowl of oatmeal!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': ''[While Driving Dedede's Tank And Yelling At The Same Time]'' Driving sure is a lot harder than it looks!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Aw, my paper's in pieces! Grr... if that's how y'all gonna play it, i'm gonna up the ante!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief Bookem''': ''[to the bees, about Dedede and Escargoon]'' Company bee, arrest these crooks!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Leave us alone, don't pollinate something!
:'''King Dedede''': Don't you dare sting yo king!

== [Episode 11] The Big Taste Test ([Episode 11] 宮廷シェフ・カワサキ) ==
:'''Escargoon''': ''[shaking]'' You don't want to eat me! I'm bitter...r...r...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': What better way to honor your King than to let him sauté you?
:'''Escargoon''': ''[whimpering]'' I never thought I'd go like this...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[trying samples of Kawasaki's food]'' Tasteless! Nasty! Awful! This stinks! This too! Lousy! Putrid! Rancid! TREASON!!! Kawa-yucki, I oughta fry you up like a fritter!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': I know this came out of the oven, but it tastes like it came outta the sofa cushions!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': There's a word for this here stuff, and it ain't &quot;food&quot;!

== [Episode 12] Kirby's Pet Peeve ([Episode 15] 誕生? カービィのおとうと) ==
:'''King Dedede''': What's that thing he's got?
:'''Escargoon''': I don't know what he's got, but I've got whiplash.
:''(Kirby and the Robot Pet scream &quot;Poyo!&quot; and bark respectively at them, angrily)''
:'''King Dedede''': That's one of them computer canines! I want one of 'em, too. Where'd he get that?
:'''Escargoon''': I don't know. Probably from that toy shop in Cappy Town.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Now what do I look like, some little nitwit?
:'''Gengu''': I wouldn't say little. Definitely not.

== [Episode 13] Escargoon Squad ([Episode 12] デデデ城のユーレイ)==
:'''Meta Knight''': It appears you were able to shamboozle us all, Escargoon.
:'''Sir Ebrum''': By jove! You suddenly had me believing in ghosts.
:'''Lady Like''': Tuff, I'm ashamed of you!
:'''Tuff''': King Dedede is always doing stuff to scare us. Why shouldn't we scare him?
:'''Kirby''': Poyo!
:'''Tiff''': Well, I guess bad things happen to bad kings!
:''[Everyone in the room but Meta Knight burst out laughing]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[chasing Kirby, Tuff, Escargoon, Fololo And Falala]'' You all gonna be ghosts when I catch up with ya!

== [Episode 14] The Pillow Case ([Episode 14] 夢枕魔獣顔見勢) ==
:'''Escargoon''': What's wrong, Sire? I haven't seen you this mad since yesterday.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Take it easy on those turns.
:'''King Dedede''': Just hang on to my throne.
:'''Escargoon''': I'll hang on to the throne, Sire. It's my lunch I'm worried about.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I'm their number one customer, and they ought to acknowledge that once in a while.
:'''Escargoon''': Well, maybe they would if you pay the bill every once in a while.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Pillows? What're they for?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Haven't you ever used one? They're for sleeping.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[Hypnotized]'' Must destroy kirby. '''Destroy Kirby!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Lucky little lump.

== [Episode 15] A Fish Called Kine ([Episode 16] 私を愛したサカナ 私を愛したサカナ) ==
:'''Tiff''': A fish who can write...
:'''Kine''': A lot of fish are very educated because we spend so much time in schools.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Me, your girlfriend?!
:'''Tuff''': ''[Laughing]'' Yeah, Tiff. And he can be your Gillfriend!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Ah... the catch of the day.
:'''Tuff''': Stop! That's not sushi, that's Tiff's boyfriend!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Her... boyfriend?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': You see how dangerous it is?
:'''Tuff''': You're lucky. You must have nine lives.
:'''Kine''': Maybe that means I'm part catfish...

== [Episode 16] Flower Power ([Episode 18] 眠りの森のピンクボール) ==
:'''Fololo &amp; Falala''': Babagahara? I've heard of that place. No one who goes there has ever come back!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': This plant plan's startin' to grow on me.
:'''Dedede''': Yeah, that Pukey Flower's one bad blossom! It pops up little Noddy berries, the critters gobble them up, and the owners can't wake 'em. (laughs)
:'''Escargoon''': They think a wiff of the Pukey will wake them up, but then the Pukey eats them up!
:'''Dedede''': And now it's time for Kirby.
:'''Escargoon''': Lunch time. ''[the two burst into laughter]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirby''': ''[snoring, sleep-talking]'' Picnic...picnic...
:''[Tuff gasps]''
:'''Kirby''': ''[sleep-talking again]'' Pic...nic....

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Kirby! Glad you're okay, buddy!

== [Episode 17] Here Comes the Son ([Episode 19] ナックルジョーがやって来た!) ==
:'''King Dedede''': I happen to know just the Star Warrior you lookin' for.
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Then spill your guts, tubby.
:'''King Dedede''': Uhhh, tubby?
:'''Escargoon''': Hey wise guy, this is the king you're talking about! You can't insult him because he's fat! Or because he's a big ignoramus! Or because he's a tightwad...''[gets hammered by Dedede]''
:'''King Dedede''': '']clears throat]'' Sonny, I know just the Star Warrior you lookin' for, and his name's Kirby.
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Look out... Kirby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Knuckle Joe''': He wasn't a father. He was a weakling.
:'''Meta Knight''': Good. I am glad. That way, he will not have to see what a monster you have become. 
:'''Knuckle Joe''': What? I am not a monster! 
:'''Meta Knight''': Anyone who abandons his reason, and lives only by hatred, is a monster. 
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Grrr... 
:'''Tiff''': Knuckle Joe... What we do makes us all monsters. And now, look what you did to Kirby. 
:'''Knuckle Joe''': But I am not a monster! 
:'''Meta Knight''': But you lived by hatred. And hatred is what eNeMeE loves.

== [Episode 18] Dedede's Snow Job ([Episode 20] さよなら、雪だるまチリー) ==

== [Episode 19] A Princess in Dis-Dress ([Episode 21] 王女ローナの休日)==
:'''King Dedede''': ''(Practice proposal to Princess Rona)'' From the moment I laid my big ol' eyes on your big ol' head, I knew you were my love.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Cries]'' I wanna marry the pretty princess!
:'''Escargoon''': ''[at Princess Rona]'' Now you've broken the king's heart! ''(softly)'' How? I don't know, he doesn't have one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': My dreams are shattered. How will I ever fill this emptiness?
:'''Escargoon''': Ah, just do what you normally do. Have seven cheeseburgers.

== [Episode 20] Island of the Lost Warrior ([Episode 22] 孤島の決戦老兵は死なず!) ==
:'''Tuff''': What are we going to do, Tiff?
:'''Tiff''': I'm thinking! It takes time to come up with great ideas!
:''[Tiff's stomach growls]''
:'''Tiff''': ''[looking embarrassed]'' My stomach thinks it's a great idea for us to find some lunch now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Kirby, I'm sure glad you made friends with Sergeant Cosmos.
:'''Tuff''': Me too, but that guy's still kind of wacky.
:'''Tiff''': He's been stuck on this island so long he thinks the Star Warriors still have an army.
:'''Kit Cosmos''': ''[suddenly puts out Kirby and friends' fire that they were cooking their fish on]'' Are you kids out of your minds?! Lightin' a campfire at night will give away our position to the enemy!
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, except we don't have any enemies.
:'''Tiff''': And look. Now we don't have any dinner.
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Tough luck. During some of my missions, I went weeks with nothin' to eat but dirt! A real warrior don't need no fancy luxuries like food!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;	
:'''Kit Cosmos''': I salute you, Meta Knight!

== [Episode 21] The Empty Nest Mess ([Episode 23] 迷子のダイナベイビー)==
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon! Get this caterpillar off of me!
:'''Escargoon''': I guess I used too much formula, but at least we know it works!

== [Episode 22] Ninja Binge ([Episode 24] ニンジャ、ベニカゲ参上!)==
:'''Benikage''': Keep away from the scroll, or prepare to battle a real ninja!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Benikage''': ''[sniff]'' They're plastic anyway...''[cries]''

== [Episode 23] Like Mother, Like Snail/Escargoon Rules ([Episode 24] エスカルゴン、まぶたの母)==
:'''Tiff''': Who's so important to ya?
:'''Escargoon''': It's my... it's my... It's my mommy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon's Mother''': Ahh, it's still so hard for me to believe that I'm the mother of a king.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': You two's Escar-dentical!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Don't worry. That guy's just pretending to be king.
:'''Escargoon's Mother''': He's pretending? But why?
:'''Tiff''': It's his job to act crazy. Dedede's the court jester.
:'''Escargoon's Mother''': Court jester? You mean he's a clown?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[horrified, about his Drifter parachute]'' It's been De-De-Disintegrated!

== [Episode 24] Sword and Blade, Loyal and True/Hour of the WolfWrath ([Episode 26] 忠誠! ソードとブレイド) ==
:'''Escargoon''': (after WolfWrath has gotten away from him and Dedede) Ah, I don't think it's housebroken.
:'''Dedede''': That WolfWrath monster of yours better not wreck my castle. This ain't no doghouse!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I'm afraid WolfWrath doesn't take too well to training, Triple D. He's kind of a hot dog and if you try to break him, you'll get burned! ''[laughs]''
:'''Dedede''': Huh? It'll attack me?! ''[the N.M.E. Sales Guy laughs again]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[about WolfWrath's battle with Meta Knight]'' Look, it's battling Meta Knight, not Kirby!
:'''Dedede''': Grr... Meta Knight oughtta mind his own beeswax and let WolfWrath turn Kirby into toast!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Don't sweat it, Triple D. That monster can wipe out a whole army of Star Warriors.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': KITCHEEEEENNNNN!!! Where's the chow, ya chowder-heads? His highness is hungry up here!
:'''Waddle Doo''': But we just served the king a ten-course meal.
:'''Dedede''': All of them appetizers was un-appetizin'. Bring me ten different courses and make it snappy!
:'''Waddle Doo''': Right! ''[he and the Waddle Dees make another ten-course meal and start bringing it to the king]'' Hup, two, three, four, we bring the food and he wants more, five, six, seven, eight, the king had better watch his weight.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sword Knight''': We should have stayed to protect Kirby.
:'''Blade Knight''': ''[mumbling]'' Our promise.
:'''Sword Knight''': We're sorry, kids. We won't let it happen again.
:'''Tiff''': That's okay. The only reason you two were reckless was because you knew Meta Knight was in trouble.
:'''Tuff''': You guys sure are loyal to him. How'd you meet him?
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''Blade Knight''': ''*mumbling*'' Long time ago.
:'''Sword Knight''': Back when Meta Knight and the Star Warriors were battling Nightmare's monster armies. ''(begins flashback)'' The struggle turned the whole galaxy into a wasteland. To survive, we became bandits.
:''[Meta Knight is running up the side of the canyon when Blade Knight and Sword Knight step in his way]''
:'''Meta Knight''': Out of my way. Let me pass!
:'''Sword Knight''': Oh, we'll be happy to let you pass, for a price.
:''[Blade Knight mumbling]''
:'''Meta Knight''': I have no time for your games. The monster that is chasing me is truly dangerous.
:'''Sword Knight''': We're dangerous too.
:'''Meta Knight''': I warn you. Leave now while you still have a chance.
:''[WolfWrath's howl is heard above all three as it leaps down and attacks by surprise]''
:'''Blade Knight''': Away! Away! ''[mumbling]''
:''[Sword Knight attacks but is thrown aside by WolfWrath. It spits a fireball at them only for it to be reflected back by Meta Knight]''
:'''Meta Knight''': Run. Quickly! ''[Blade Knight and Sword Knight hide as he then fights back against WolfWrath and ultimately forces it into a nearby lake as the flashback ends]''
:'''Sword Knight''': We were just a pair of lousy crooks.
:'''Blade Knight''': Meta Knight ''*mumbling*'' rescued us.
:'''Tiff''': So that's why you follow him.
:'''Tuff''': 'Cause he saved you both.
:'''Sword Knight''': ''[about the weapons hung on the wall of their master's living room]'' Those things on the wall... We used them to rob and steal. Now they remind us of what fools we were before we met Meta Knight.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dedede''': ''[snacking on his latest ten-course meal]'' What's taking them guards so long to track my monster?
:'''Escargoon''': Finish your snack, sire. I'm checking the cameras. ''[sees WolfWrath blowing fire everywhere it goes, even at the cameras]'' Ahh! What's it doing?! ''[sees even more of the castle halls on fire]'' Ah! WolfWrath's a fire dog!
:'''Dedede''': ''[gasps in anger and starts yelling at the N.M.E. Sales Guy]'' What're you trying to pull here?! That monster's barbecuing my whole castle!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Oops! I guess I forgot to mention that. WolfWrath needs to set fires to get the strength for its attacks.
:'''Dedede''': ''[growling with anger, he's finally had enough and he gives an order to the Waddle Dees]'' Throw that WolfWrath outta here!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sword Knight''': Blade. Remember how Meta Knight saved us when WolfWrath cornered us?
:'''Blade Knight''': Hm. Aye. ''[mumbling]''
:''(flashback to when Meta Knight and WolfWrath fell into the nearby lake)''
:'''Sword Knight''': Water is WolfWrath's one weakness.
:'''Blade Knight''': ''[mumbling]'' Put it out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sword Knight''': Brings back memories, don't it, Blade?
:'''Blade Knight''': ''[mumbling]''
:''[last flashback of the episode begins, showing both Sword and Blade kneeling behind Meta Knight]''
:'''Meta Knight''': So. Are you two sure you want to join me?
:'''Blade Knight''': You're ''[mumbling]'' great warrior.
:'''Sword Knight''': We want to make your cause our cause.
:'''Meta Knight''': I will tell you what we must do. We must search for a new warrior... one who will defeat eNeMeE and bring justice to our galaxy.
:'''Sword Knight''': From that moment on, we became Meta Knight's followers.
:'''Blade Knight''': And, ''[mumbling]'' loyal to him.
:''[both Sword Knight and Blade Knight look on proudly at Kirby's triumphant pose with Galaxia as light from the sky shines down on him]''

== [Episode 25] The Flower Plot ([Episode 27] 恋に落ちたウィスピーウッズ) ==
:'''Lovely''': ''(to Whispy Woods)'' But Whispy, these oxygen-breathers can't possibly mean more to you than I do.

== [Episode 26] Labor Daze ([Episode 28] 恐怖のデデデ・ファクトリー) ==
:'''Tiff''': Dedede made us think he was making appliances, but he was really building a giant robot.
:'''Tuff''': That creep! I'd like to tear it apart with my bare hands!

== [Episode 27] The Hot Shot Chef / A Spice Oddysey ([Episode 29] 激辛! ファミレス戦争)==
:'''King Dedede''': Yuck! &lt;big&gt;Yuck!!&lt;/big&gt; &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''YUCK!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; This slop ain't fit for a doggone dog! There's gotta be something here that's eatable! ''[takes a bite of a salad, chews for a few seconds then bursts into tears]'' I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!
:'''Escargoon''': But Majesty, we've got other choices. Instant noodles, cat food, crunchy liver-and-bacon dog treats, hmm? ''[Dedede looms over him]''
:'''King Dedede''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''I WANT SOMETHIN' TASTY!!!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:''[later, at Restaurant Kawasaki...]''
:'''King Dedede''': Yuck! &lt;big&gt;Yuck!!&lt;/big&gt; &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''YUCK!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; THIS TASTES LIKE TRASH!!! Kawasaki, ain't you got nothing digestion-able in this here dump!?
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Sorry, Sire. That's every dish on the menu.
:'''King Dedede''': You ain't no chef, YOU'RE A GARBAGEMAN!!
:'''Escargoon''': Come clean, Kawasaki. All chefs have secret recipes. Don't hold out on us!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I'm not! That's all I have!
:'''King Dedede''': What a loser. Let's get out of here.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': But what about your bill?
:'''King Dedede''': Forget it, pizza-face! ''[throws a pizza at Kawasaki]''
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': ''[tastes the pizza]'' It tastes okay to me...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I need a top-class chef for my new restaurant.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': You owning a restaurant is like a termite owning a lumber yard.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Monsieur Goan''': Tornato.
:'''King Dedede''': Tornado?
:'''Escargoon''': Not tornado. Tornato. It's a fancy foreign language, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': I was joking, ya beanhead!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I can't even give my food away.
:'''Tuff''': What are you gonna do?
:'''Tiff''': I guess you can always pay people to eat here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': ''[sighs]'' He was my only customer and I turned him into a flamethrower...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': It's done. This dish is so hot, it may burn through the pot. I call it Toxic Atomic Curry. When they get a taste of this, I'll be the hottest chef in town! ''[laughs maniacally]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[gasp]'' You're on fire!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Hahahaa-haha! Atomic Curry!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Kirby's in trouble!
:'''Tiff''': That monster knows every trick in the book!
:'''Meta Knight''': You mean in the cookbook!
:'''Tiff''': Hey, that's a pretty good one!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Laughing]'' Won't be long now, Kirby!
:'''Kirby''': ''[freezes]''
:'''Tiff''': Kirby!
:'''Escargoon''': Relax, you'll feel a lot better when you try a bracing bowl of Kirby sorbet.
:'''King Dedede''': Just chill out, Kirby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Yeah! He's Fire Kirby!
:'''Meta Knight''': No, that's the heartburn from Kawasaki's cooking.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I finally out-spiced Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Alright, what's this all about a punishment?
:'''King Dedede''': If you ask me, it's punishment enough to mangle with the peasants!

== [Episode 28] Hatch Me if You Can ([Episode 30] カービィの謎のタマゴ)==
:'''Chief Bookem''': Hmm. No missing egg reports coming yet. Nobody broke into any nests, lately. I guess Kirby can go back to sittin' on the egg.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Well, they're not gonna be any help. I'm gonna have to crack this egg case myself.

== [Episode 29] Cappy New Year ([Episode 13] ププビレッジ年忘れ花火大会)==
:'''King Dedede''': This new year's gonna be a blast. ''[laughs]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': We can create our own celebration. We can do whatever we want to!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': That monster's a pyrotechnomaniac!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': It's almost midnight! So ten...
:'''Everyone else''': ...nine... eight... seven... six... five... four... three... two... one... ''[fireworks occur behind Parasol Kirby]'' HAPPY NEW YEAR!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo! ''[waves to everybody as fireworks shaped like the sentence HAPPY NEW YEAR appear behind him]''

== [Episode 30] Abusement Park ([Episode 31] ビバ! デデベガスへようこそ)==
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''[about Mike Kirby's singing]'' It's like he's scratching down a chalkboard! I can't take it! I'm sending Kirby back...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': I fear Microphone Kirby may be Kirby's most powerful form!
:'''Tiff''': Now you tell me!

== [Episode 31] Junk Jam ([Episode 33 え〜っ! 宇宙のゴミ捨て場) ==
:'''Tuff''': Kirby, doesn't your stomach ever get tired?

== [Episode 32] The Kirby Derby - Part I ([Episode 35] 栄光のプププグランプリ (前編))==
:'''King Dedede''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''I'M GONNA GET THAT GOOFBALL!!!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Tuff, I almost got run over! You should stick to a tricycle!

== [Episode 33] The Kirby Derby - Part II ([Episode 36] 栄光のプププグランプリ (後編)) ==
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': You and I were married forty years ago today. That's why I wanted to win so badly!

== [Episode 34] A Recipe for Disaster ([Episode 34] 究極鉄人、コックオオサカ)==
:'''King Dedede''': I paid Nightmare Enterprises a heap o' money so they can send me a heap o' popcorn?

== [Episode 35] Watermelon Felon ([Episode 37] お昼のデデデワイドをつぶせ!)==
:'''Meta Knight''': Sometimes the pen is mightier than the sword.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Well, you got a problem with me, pinky?
:'''Kirby''': ''[Barfs out the newspapers and the newspapers flood the castle]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''[in reaction to King Dedede uploading the millions of newspapers that Kirby flooded his entire castle with to Nightmare's Fortress]'' HEY! What do you think you're doing?!
:'''King Dedede''': There's a lot more where that came from. Nobody wants these newspapers anymore, so I gotta put 'em somewhere.

== [Episode 36] Escar-Gone ([Episode 39] 忘却のエスカルゴン) ==
:'''Meta Knight''': Tiff. Have you ever met that snail before?
:'''Tiff''': Never. I was just being nice to him because he seemed so upset.
:'''Meta Knight''': Hmmm. We've never met, but somehow he knew both of our names.
:'''Tiff''': I think the guy's missing a few marbles.
:'''Meta Knight''': Maybe so. We'd better keep an eye on him in case his condition worsens.
:'''Tiff''': I wonder if his name really is Escargoon...
:'''Escargoon''': ''[having overheard Tiff &amp; Meta Knight's conversation and realizing they've forgotten him as well]'' Oh, mercy! This is the darkest day of my life! ''[runs away crying]''

== [Episode 37] Monster Management ([Episode 40] 魔獣ハンターナックルジョー!)==
:'''King Dedede''': Ahh, ''[chuckles]'' Ain't nothin' like starting the day off with bubblin' bath!
:'''Escargoon''': It's great to be king.
:'''King Dedede''': Mmm-hm.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Our new management director suggested that we give you a hands-on demonstration. I believe you've met. Say hello, Joe.
:'''Knuckle Joe''': ''[turns around smiling while donning his new business suit]'' That's Knuckle Joe!
:''[King Dedede &amp; Escargoon's jaws drop in a huge state of surprise]''
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Nice to see you again, tubby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': Hey! Quit pluckin' my plumage, bub!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Knuckle Joe ain't qualified to work for N.M.E.!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': But Joe! I thought you wanted to battle on the side of the good guys!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': What a mess. It's gonna be monster mayhem! Well, I sure hope Kirby took his vitamins today.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[several Mini-Monsters rampage throughout Cappy Town, causing as much trouble as they want and wrecking as many things as they can find]''
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Ah! Knock it off, you lowlifes, or at least order something!
:'''Tuggle''': Yo! No piggin' out at my place without payin'!
:''[Knuckle Joe watches the chaos unfold in Cappy Town from a rooftop]''
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Perfect. Just like I planned.
:''[pan to more trouble caused in Cappy Town by the Mini-Monsters]''
:'''Prof. Curio''': Ah! That urn's an antique you uncultured brute!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': You are putting the planet in danger!
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Just trying to keep my bosses happy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Oh, that Knuckle Joe! Why did he make all this trouble?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Masher is a real heavyweight.
:'''Tiff''': ''[Replying to Meta Knight about Masher being a real heavyweight]'' You said it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Knuckle Joe leaps down, tosses away his business suit, and charges in to join in Masher's beatdown of Kirby]''
:'''Tiff''': Knuckle Joe! ''[starts shedding tears]'' Please don't do it.
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Get ready, Kirby. Your time is up! Vulcan Jab, Vulcan Jab, Vulcan Jab! ''(starts pounding on Kirby as well)''
:'''Tiff''': Poor Kirby.
:'''Tuff''': One bad guy was enough. How can Kirby win two against one?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[in reaction to Knuckle Joe's sudden betrayal against Masher]'' Hey! You was supposed to clobber Kirby, not mess with Masher!
:'''Knuckle Joe''': I tricked ya!
:''[everyone reacts in surprise]''
:'''Knuckle Joe''': It took a long time to plan, but it was worth it. I'm a monster hunter now, and I wanted to bag one of the big ones. That meant going after Masher!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Hmmm. So you hunted down Masher... with a suit and tie?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dedede''': That's De-de-devious! ''[laughing]''
:'''Escargoon''': What are you laughing at? Knuckle Joe just made you look like a knucklehead.
:'''Dedede''': AAAAH! You two-timer! Nobody monkeys with Triple D!
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Sorry, tubby. Too late!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I must take full responsibility, sir. It seems I fell for Joe's trick and...
:'''eNeMeE''': Forget it! Let the fools think they've beaten us. When they let their guard down, we'll teach them a lethal lesson. ''[laughs evilly]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': You were like a double agent, Joe!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Hunting down monsters throughout the universe... Joe, your father would be proud.

== [Episode 38] Prediction Predicament - Part I ([Episode 41] メーベルの大予言! (前編)) ==
:'''King Dedede''': Eh, What Happened?
:'''Escargoon''': You were sleepwalking, that's what happened! Or should I say you were sleepwhacking!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[screams]'' Kirbeh's after me again! ''[runs away]''
:'''Kirby''': ''[runs towards King Dedede]'' Poyo!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[runs faster]'' You keep dem fangs away from me, pinkeh!
:'''Kirby''': ''[runs faster]'' Payo, yayo!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mabel''': The monster that has been haunting you is your conscience, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': What's a conscience?
:'''Mabel''': It is the goodness that lies in the deepest part of you.
:'''Escargoon''': Oh please. The only thing lying in the deepest part of him is a fried cheese log.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Wonder what Dedede's up to?
:'''Tiff''': Based on past experience, I think it's safe to say it's something stupid.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': [about Phantom Star Gerath] Thousand years away, hmm? I don't know about our little friends, but I for one am feeling kind of impatient. What do you say we speed up the process just a little bit?
:'''Nightmare''': What a wonderful idea. ''[laughs evilly]''

== [Episode 39] Prediction Predicament - Part II ([Episode 42] メーベルの大予言! (後編)) ==
:'''Meta Knight''': Mice will always scamper away from a ship before it sinks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': Kirby... Any moment now we'll be dust in the wind. We've always been the best of buddies, huh, Kirby? Huh? Kirby? KIRBY!! Listen when I'm talkin' to ya!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': You did it! You lovable lug, you! You finally listened to your heart for once!

== [Episode 40] Sheepwrecked ([Episode 43] ヒツジたちの反逆)==
:'''Amon''': The time has come! We must defeat our oppressors. Our natural meekness has been mistaken for weakness, but from this day forward, we will not behave like simpering sheep, but like ravenous wolves. Throughout history, we have been dominated by fear. But now our oppressors will learn to fear us!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[flocks of angry sheep rampage throughout Cappy Town, eating as much food as they can find while also wrecking as many antiques as possible]''
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I knew sheep liked grass, but who knew they liked my food?
:'''Prof. Curio''': Oh, you can't go tearing up my shop like a pack of wolves!
:'''Tuggle''': Hey, you're getting wool all over my merchandise there.
:'''Amon''': You have done well. Dream Land is now at our mercy, but we will show no mercy. We will conquer this planet, my friends... and soon, the entire universe! ''[he and the other sheep howl triumphantly in unison]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amon''': Now you Cappies are the shuddering sheep, and the wicked wolves are in charge.
:'''Cappy''': Alright, what do you want us to do?
:'''Amon''': All of you, BAA!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Baa, Baa?
:'''Prof. Curio''': Baa, Baa...
:'''Amon''': I said, all of you! I command you! BAA!!!!!
:''[The Cappies and Waddle Dees Baa like sheep]''
:'''Amon''': Louder, or the wolves will get angry.
:''[The Cappies and Waddle Dees Baa even louder]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amon''': I command you. BAA! Or you will suffer the consequences! Those who disobey me will face the chopping block!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amon''': These cowards don't deserve their freedom.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amon''': There must be others like me. Others who yearn for freedom. I will seek them out, and perhaps one day I will lead a new flock.

== [Episode 41] War of the Woods ([Episode 44] ウィスピーウッズの友アコル)==
:'''Whispy Woods''': ''[about Acore]'' I can't be certain. He's been around for 800 years. There are many perils at such a great age.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': TUFF! 
:'''Tuff''': Ah! Hey Tiff, what's wrong? How come you look so mad?
:'''Tiff''': You know why! You were fighting!
:'''Iro''': We were just helping this old tree.
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, Whispy Woods asked us to.
:'''Tiff''': Oh really so Whispy Woods asked you to kick out those animals?
:'''Tuff''': Well, not exactly...
:'''Tiff''': Of course not. Because those animals helped that tree by living in it!
:'''Tuff, Iro, Spikehead And Honey''': Huh!?
:'''Kirby''': Poyo?
:'''Coo''': Acore provides us with a place to stay. And in exchange, we harm those insects and enrich the soil.
:'''Tiff''': That's right. Kicking them out was a mistake!
:'''Tuff, Iro, Spikehead And Honey''': [Sadly] Aw...
:'''Tuff''': We were only trying to help...
:'''Tokkori''': Well, ya didn't. Thanks to you that tree's even worse off than before!
:'''Coo''': You helped them too, Tokkori.
:'''Tokkori''': Yeah, I forgot that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Save the tears for your golf score, Sire.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon!
:'''Escargoon''': Your majesty! Come back!
:'''King Dedede''': We've been De-De-Divided!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Please don't fall, Acore!
:'''Tokkori''': It's too much! We can't hold 'im!
:'''Tiff''': Yes we can, just push!
:'''Coo''': We can't give up!
:'''Rick''': We can't let our friend come crashin' to the ground, mates!
:''[meanwhile, King Dedede and Escargoon are watching Kirby and co.'s valiant efforts to keep Acore standing from atop a nearby cliff]''
:'''King Dedede''': Heh heh heh heh heh. Them do-gooders think we gave up!
:'''Escargoon''': They're always overestimating our common sense. ''[has the Grasshopper Eavesdropper detonate near a nearby waterfall, causing a flood in one final attempt to destroy Acore]''

== [Episode 42] Pink-Collar Blues ([Episode 47] 帰れ、愛しのワドルディ)==
:'''Escargoon''': Believe me, it'll be cheaper than your hospital bill if you have to eat my cooking.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Don't Eat It!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon! Let's play some putt-putt!
:'''Escargoon''': I don't have time to watch you cheat at miniature golf. My entire life savings are in jeopardy!
:'''King Dedede''': Whadda ya mean I cheat?
:'''Escargoon''': Oops.
:'''King Dedede''': I ain't never cheated at miniature golf!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirby''': Poooyooooo! Poyo! ''[laughs cutely]'' Poyo! Poy!

== [Episode 43] Tourist Trap ([Episode 48] プププランド観光ツアー) ==
:'''Tiff''': Kabu here is not only extremely ancient, but he's also the wisest-- ''[notices the tourists throwing coins into Kabu's insides and gasps]'' Hey, no throwing coins!
:''[the tourists continue to throw coins into Kabu anyway]''
:'''King Dedede''': Let them folks toss away. It's free money.
:''[the tourists start painting graffiti all over Kabu]''
:'''Tuff''': Tiff, look what they're doin'! ''(Tiff notices what the tourists are now doing to Kabu)'' Knock it off!
:'''Tiff''': Kabu's one of the greatest treasures in Dream Land!
:''[the tourists bicker back at her in a foreign language]''
:'''Waddle Doo''': Chill out. We do this every place we visit.
:'''Tiff''': How rude!
:'''Escargoon''': Ah, who cares? It's just a talking tiki. Let's move it!
:''[King Dedede laughing]''
:''[the tourists prepare to leave for their next destination]''
:'''Tiff''': I'm sorry, Kabu. We'll come back and clean you up.
:'''Kabu''': I could use some moisturizer too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waddle Doo''': ''[to the tourists, pointing to his flask of ice]'' Shibi ton pa, ha ta sai Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': As far as tourism goes, Sire, here's my opinion. You might as well rename Dream Land &quot;Snoozeville&quot;!
:'''King Dedede''': Well, as far as I'm concerned, them tourists can take a hike!

== [Episode 44] A Novel Approach ([Episode 38] 読むぞい! 驚異のミリオンセラー)==
:'''King Dedede''': Somebody stole all the pictures out of this here book! It's all gobbledygook here.
:'''Escargoon''': They're words.
:''[Beat]''
:'''Escargoon''': Arghh! You rule a Kingdom and you don't even know how to read?
:''[Beat]''
:'''King Dedede''': Course I know how to read, you dummy! I learned how to before I got expelled from kindergarten!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Give me that book! I'm only up to chapter 2!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': They must be under a spell. Knock it off, King Dedede is using this game to hurt Kirby!
:'''Rowlin [Fake]''': It's too late Tiff, you can't break my spell. ''[evily laughs]''
:'''Rowlin''': You imposter! How dare you be me.
:'''Tiff''': So then you're the real author?
:'''Rowlin''': You've been hoodwinked by her. She didn't create Pappy Pottey!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rowlin''': No matter how sad we feel or how bad our circumstances, we can use our imaginations to dream something better. We should never give up on our dreams because they're what build our tomorrows!

== [Episode 45] Snack Attack - Part I ([Episode 52] 悪魔のチョコカプセル! (前編)) ==
:'''King Dedede''': I want all them candies with mini-figures in this here store!
:'''Tuggle''': Every single one of 'em?
:'''Gengu''': I don't know.
:'''King Dedede''': Perhaps this'll persuade ya. ''[laughs as he places blocks of money at Tuggle &amp; Gengu's counter to their delight]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Hmm... So they think my mini figure will be popular. Hmm... I like that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief Bookem''': ''(to Dedede)'' I'm sorry, Your Highness, but I gotta do my duty. Next time you wanna steal, just raise our taxes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I felt like a zoo animal sitting in that jail cell.
:'''Escargoon''': No self-respecting zoo would take you.

== [Episode 46] Snack Attack - Part II ([Episode 53] 悪魔のチョコカプセル! (後編)) ==
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': You've got to think creatively, D. The monsters were designed to look like toys, so they could play around with their enemies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Can't tell a crook by its blubber!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': This is perfect.
:'''Tiff''': What're you talking about?
:'''Tuff''': It's over. Kirby's gonna lose the match.
:'''Meta Knight''': In order to mature, Kirby must be pushed to his utmost limits. Only then will he learn to exceed them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Uh oh. Kirby's gonna get pulverized.
:'''Tiff''': That wrestler's too big.
:'''Meta Knight''': Every opponent has a weakness.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''*laughs*'' I tried to sell you more fighting monsters, but you decided to pinch your pennies. Now you're stuck with the junk, Big D.
:'''King Dedede''': I'll never collect nothin' again!

== [Episode 47] Cartoon Buffoon ([Episode 49] アニメ新番組星のデデデ) ==
:'''King Dedede''': Do y'all know how to tell a story? Do y'all know how to draw 'til your fingers fall off? Do y'all know how to color inside the lines? Then we want YOU! ''[Laughs]'' I'm the most important person in this whole jointhouse! Heck, I'm the producer!
:'''Spikehead''': A producer? What does a producer do?
:'''Iro''': A producer doesn't do anything.
:'''Escargoon''': Hmmmm, they gotcha there, Majesty.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[the Cappies present their poorly-drawn pictures of Dedede Man]''
:'''Mayor Len''': I think I've really captured you, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[tears the drawing out of Len's hand]'' I oughtta capture you!
:'''Iro''': What do you think, Your Majesty?
:'''King Dedede''': ''[tears the drawing out of Iro's hand]'' I think it stinks!
:'''Tuggle''': Pretty good, huh?
:'''King Dedede''': ''[tears the drawing out of Tuggle's hand]'' Pretty awful!
:'''Melman''': I slimmed you down a bit.
:'''King Dedede''': ''(yells as he tears the drawing out of Melman's hand]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': All you lazy louts better be workin'!
:'''Chief Bookem''': Lazy?!
:'''Mayor Len''': With all due respect, we're working as hard as we can.
:'''King Dedede''': If you don't get crackin', I'm gonna have to give you all a whackin'!
:'''Escargoon''': ''[Grunts]'' We'd better air what we just have.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[the altered opening of King Dedede's new show starts playing''
:'''King Dedede''': ''[singing to the opening]'' Dedede! That's the name you should know! Dedede! He's the king of the show! You'll holler and hoot, he'll give Kirby the boot! Dedede's the one!
:'''Tiff''': ''[reacting to the new show's altered opening]'' Hey! Kirby's supposed to be the star!
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, now it's about Dedede.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Okay, guys. Get ready.
:'''Tuff''': Our lines are coming up.
:'''Meta Knight''': Tiff, I am nervous. I have never... acted before.
:'''Tiff''': Don't worry. You'll do great.
:'''Meta Knight''': Thank you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Hehehe I AM A SUPAHSTAR WARRIAH heh.
:'''Tiff''': &quot;Dedede Saves the Day&quot;? Hey, wait! Where'd that title come from?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': That cheat! Dedede made Kirby look like the bad guy!
:'''Tuff''': He must've switched stuff around while we weren't looking.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Good morning, Majesty.
:'''Dedede''': Well, if it ain't my faithful servant, Escargoon!
:'''Escargoon''': My, aren't you looking fit as a fiddle!
:'''Dedede''': You're downright spiffy yourself.
:'''Escargoon''': Have you seen Kirby today, Majesty?
:'''Dedede''': He don't scare me none!
:'''Tiff''': Those two changed my script so they look like heroes! ''[Growls]''
:'''Tuff''': If Dedede and Escargoon are heroes, this sure isn't a reality show.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': We're right behind you majesty. You're a hero to us all!
:'''King Dedede''': Oh come now. Little ol' me a hero? Surely you jestin'!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Look! It is Fire Dedede, our Hero! ''[to You]'' I would never say that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Look at that charisma!
:'''Escargoon''': Majesty, we're gonna have to ad-lib this part, we never wrote the last two pages of the script!
:'''King Dedede''': Ad-lib? YOU COULDN'T TELL ME THIS BEFORE, YOU SCATTERBRAINED ''[As he hits Escargoon with his mallet]'' SLUG?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Sigh]'' All this animation's giving me palpitation!
:'''Escargoon''': I'll never direct another cartoon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Hey, this is great!
:'''Tiff''': It's one of those shows that's so bad it's good!

== [Episode 48] Don't Bank on It ([Episode 50] 貯めるぞい! のろいの貯金箱) ==
:'''King Dedede''': Time for me to work on my hypno-doot-dooey.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''(speaking through the Dedede Dolls)'' Dedede... You like me... Dedede... You trust me...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Have you ever wondered how all that money got there in the first place?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Sleep tight. You gonna be in for a rude awakening.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Dedede is tired. I ain't gettin' no rest. If I can't sleep, then neither can you fools! WAKE UP! ''[starts psychically using his Dedede Dolls to pummel the residents of Cappy Town, laughing all the while, except for Tiff, who already locked up her own doll inside one of her drawers before going to sleep]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': That's one dangerous doll. Last night, it stomped me without any warning. Kick that thing out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Hey! Quit strangling me!
:'''Escargoon''': I'm only trying to prevent something terrible from happening to you, Sire!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': We're broke. We're right back where we've started, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': I can't afford to buy no more monsters. ''[cries]'' But I still got one doll left so's I can get my revenge!
:'''Escargoon''': I dunno. Playing with dolls can be hazardous to your health.
:'''King Dedede''': That don't matter none to me so long as I get that Kirby! ''[laughs]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Now that's embarrassing.
:'''Escargoon''': Honey, you don't know the meaning of embarrassing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': Turn into Doll Kirby!
:''[Kirby jumps up in an attempt to transform and gain the ability of the Dedede Doll he just inhaled, but falls back down, unable to gain any ability]''
:'''Tokkori''': Figures. Guess you don't have enough brains to be a doll.

== [Episode 49] Kirby Takes the Cake ([Episode 51] センチメンタル・カービィ) ==
:'''Tuff''': Hah! This is fun. I bet Kirby doesn't know a thing about his surprise party.
:'''Tiff''': Probably. He hardly knows anything.
:'''Tuff, Spikehead, Iro, &amp; Honey''': That's true.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Len''': Kirby, I didn't see you there! This is no place for you, I'm afraid.
:'''Prof. Curio''': That's right. We're busy, so, uh... Run along.
:'''Mayor Len''': Shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo. ''[Kirby begins to leave]'' Bye bye, Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief Bookem''': Oh! Sorry, Kirby. Lots to do today. Gotta apprehend a couple of donuts!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': That there's a weapon of mass Dedede-struction.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': You saw it! This whole town's revoltin'!
:'''Escargoon''': You said it!
:'''King Dedede''': They lookin' to dispossess me and tarnish the reputation of the Dedede Dynasty! Them ungrateful ingrates!
:'''Escargoon''': After all you've done to them!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[growls]'' I'll stamp out them double-crossers! How can them Cappies Dedede-throne ME?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': I saw this coming. After all, a ruler like you is loud, mean, nasty, sneaky, self-centered...''[King Dedede angrily flattens him, weakly]''...did I mention violent...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Hey there, Triple D. What up?
:'''King Dedede''': I'll tell you what's up. I need you to send me your most powerful monster!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Our most powerful monster? Sounds urgent.
:'''King Dedede''': You bet it's urgent! I'm about to become the victim of a Cappy-comb!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I think I've got one for you, but I should warn ya. He's a bit of a slippery character.
:'''King Dedede''': Whadda ya mean?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': You see, he has trouble distinguishing between friend and foe. Poor little fella gets confused sometimes. I'd wanna handle this one with care, Big D!
:'''King Dedede''': You send it over and we'll handle it real good!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': What's that? Nobody wants to play with ya? ''[bursts out laughing about what Kirby told him]'' Nobody wants to play with ya, 'cause nobody likes ya!
:'''Kirby''': ''[shocked by what Tokkori just said to him]'' POYO?!
:'''Tokkori''': Ever since you got here, you've been a pink pain in the neck. As usual, I'm the only one around here with the guts to tell you the truth! Everybody says that Kirby is nothin' but trouble. If I was you, I'd fly the coop cause you ain't welcome here, Sonny! ''[Kirby starts packing up]'' With you outta the way, things would finally get back to normal, and I could take over this cottage permanent. Booooy, wouldn't that be the day? ''[notices that Kirby's gone]'' Huh? Kirby? Where'd that boy go?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kabu''': Wait! Do not go. You are troubled, my friend, and your heart is full of sorrow. One year has passed since you came to Dream Land.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': Ah! There ya are! Hey, next time you run away, tell me where you're goin', would ya? I've been lookin' high and low for ya. Yer girlfriend's plenty steamed at me cause a' you. Come on! Get movin'! Everybody in Cappy Town's goin' crazy worryin', so come on back home!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': A whole year has passed. How quickly time flies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': I'm sorry, Kirby. We didn't play with you because we didn't want to ruin the surprise for you. We wouldn't want to hurt you for anything, Kirby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': They really outdid themselves there. I've heard of pretty girls poppin' outta cakes, but this is even better!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': That's new.
:'''Tuff''': What mode is that, Meta Knight?
:'''Meta Knight''': He is now Bomb Kirby.
:'''Tiff &amp; Tuff''': Bomb Kirby?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': You have indeed grown in many ways this year. I cannot wait to see what changes next year brings.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Happy first anniversary, Kirby. We're all very happy that you came to Dream Land. Kirby, we love you.

== [Episode 50] Air-Ride-in-Style - Part I ([Episode 96] ワープスターの危機! (前編)) ==
:'''King Dedede''': I've been real patient with you, but I want me a monster that can whup Kirby now!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I understand your disappointment, Big D, but I've been sending you top-of-the-line monsters all along.
:'''King Dedede''': Well the bottom line is, them lamos was losers!
:'''Escargoon''': That's right! His majesty may be a big fat meathead, but how many half-baked freakazoids are you gonna send me?!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[bops Escargoon]'' I'll do the complaining here.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Maybe you've been going about stopping Kirby the wrong way. Have you ever thought about-
:'''King Dedede''': I ain't interested in thinking! I know everything there is to know about catching Kirby already.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I was only going to remind your fly-ness about Kirby's secret weapon.
:'''King Dedede''': Say what?
:'''Escargoon''': Secret weapon?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''[laughs]'' I'm referring of course to Kirby's shining star; the Warp Star.
:'''King Dedede''': The Warp Star?
:'''Escargoon''': That's what that Tiff always calls out.
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah. The big ol' thing comes flying to rescue Kirby.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''[laughs again]'' See what a little thing he can do... ''[Dedede pelts his monitor with an egg, surprising him]''
:'''King Dedede''': Just kill the dip-strip and get to the point.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': As I was about to say, Sire, if Kirby didn't have the Warp Star to come to his rescue, Kirby would be easy to get rid of.
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, that's it! If we can stop the Warp Star, we can stop Kirby! Hah!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sir Ebrum''': Good day, Your Majesty.
:'''Lady Like''': You most certainly startled us.
:'''Tiff''': You better not be here for Kirby.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[laughs]'' We're not here for the little pod.
:'''King Dedede''': We here for the big mouth!
:'''Tiff''': Huh? ''[The limousine use a grab nabber to nab her]''
:'''Tuff''': You can't do that!
:'''Lady Like''': Tiff, no!
:''[Dedede and Escargoon stuff Tiff into their limo and drive away with her, they laughing]''
:'''Tuff''': ''[chases Dedede's limousine alongside Kirby, Fololo &amp; Falala]'' COME BACK!
:'''Fololo''': HEY!
:'''Tuff''': '''YOU DIRTY CROOK!!!'''
:'''Sir Ebrum''': How dare he! That blaggard has kidnapped our daughter!
:'''Lady Like''': We have to get her back somehow!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At the dungeon]''
:'''King Dedede''': Lookie here, girly. you can have yourself all of these sweety cakes and creamy puffs confidence and yo kingly ol' friend Dedede.
:'''Escargoon''': That's right, I'll you gotta do is cooperate. Here, have a cupcake.
:'''Tiff''': I wouldn't touch your cruddy cupcake. Now you better untie me and let me go right now. RIGHT NOW!
:'''Escargoon''': Oh, we'll let you go soon enough.
:'''King Dedede''': Just say the magic words!
:'''Tiff''': What magic words?
:'''Escargoon''': the one you say it whenever that pesky pinky in the pickle.
:'''Both''': Kabu.
:'''King Dedede''': Warp Star!
:''[Both laughing]''
:'''King Dedede''': Now all you gotta do is say it. And if you don't say it, we gonna keep you tied up not too tight till you do, got it?
:'''Tiff''': Hmph.
:'''Escargoon''': Yeah! Tell us where he's hidin' that Warp Star!
:'''Tiff''': I'm not gotta tell you and you two anything.
:'''Tuff''': ''[offscreen]'' Hey, Tiff!
:'''All''': Huh?
:'''Tuff''': Let's go!
:'''Tiff''': What are you doing here?
:'''Escargoon''': Look, it's the little brother to the rescue. Ain't that nauseating?
:'''King Dedede''': Get lost. We trying to find out where Kirby's Warp Star's at.
:'''Tuff''': Uh...that's easy. The Warp Star's inside Kabu.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:''[Dedede, Escargoon, and Tiff all react in shock and Tuff, having realized what he just said, covers his mouth, and then Dedede and Escargoon burst out laughing and then run off to Kabu]''
:'''Tuff''': ''[untying Tiff]'' Sorry. It just slipped out.
:'''Tiff''': Some secret keeper. ''[sighs]''
:'''Tuff''': Hurry!
:'''Tiff''': Luckily, we don't have to hurry.
:''[Kirby starts eating the food Dedede and Escargoon had out on the table while interrogating Tiff]''
:'''Tuff''': But what if they find it somehow?
:'''Tiff''': Even if Dedede and Escargoon found the Warp Star, it wouldn't do them any good.
:'''Tuff''': Huh?
:'''Tiff''': Because they don't understand the power of the Warp Star like I do.
:''[Tiff flashes back to the events of Dark and Stormy Knight, where she revealed to Meta Knight that she brought the Warp Star to Kabu to keep it safe and secret, and called upon it to aid Kirby during his fight against Kracko]''
:'''Tuff''': I remember all that, too. But I wanna know where you got the idea to hide the Warp Star inside Kabu.
:'''Tiff''': Well that was easy. I remember the first time I saw it.
:''[Tiff flashes back to when she and Prof. Curio first discovered the Warp Star's pedestal inside Kabu]''
:'''Prof. Curio''': Look! I've never seen that.
:'''Tiff''': ''[narrating]'' It was like it was made for the Warp Star. It had to stay with Kabu.
:''[flashback ends]''
:'''Tuff''': It sure is weird. ''(about the Warp Star's pedestal)'' But the Warp Star fits inside it so perfect, especially since Kabu's been around for millions of years.
:'''Tiff''': Of course it's weird. Everything about Kabu is weird.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Alright Kabu, I'm gonna ask ya one last time. Now is you or is you ain't hiding Kirby's Warp Star? ''(Kabu doesn't respond)''
:'''Escargoon''': Alright, Mr. Frozen Face, now you're gonna get it!
:'''Waddle Doo''': Attack! ''[the Waddle Dees throw their spears at Kabu, but they simply bounce off him without any effect on him]''
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon! I want that freaky tiki in jail!
:'''Escargoon''': In jail?
:'''King Dedede''': Waddle Doo! Throw Kabu in the dungeon, you hear?
:'''Waddle Doo''': Dungeon?! But Your Majesty, I don't have the Waddle Dee power. Kabu's too big to move!
:'''King Dedede''': What?
:'''Escargoon''': Believe it or not, he's heavier than you are.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[to Meta Knight]'' You're not in charge of the Warp Star. I am.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughing]'' The Wimp Star's high-tailin' it home to Kabu.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Home to Kabu? What do you mean?
:'''Escargoon''': Kabu's been hiding the Warp Star. Get with the program, pal!
:'''King Dedede''': Them pals thought they was pretty clever.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': This isn't good, D. Better cancel that Kirby farewell party. I'm afraid that Warp Star's gonna be back in tip top shape in no time.
:'''King Dedede and Escargoon''': ''[In horrorified]'' Huh?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Kabu's sort of a hospital for Warp Stars and wounded Star Warriors... Like a big recovery room.
:'''King Dedede &amp; Escargoon''': '''''RECOVERY?!?!?!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Kabu, what are we gonna do? The Warp Star's damaged.
:'''Kabu''': The Warp Star will need time to recover.
:'''Kirby''': ''[sadly]'' Po-poyo, po...
:'''Tiff''': Kirby, Kabu says the Warp Star's tired right now. The only thing we can do is wait for the Warp Star to get better again.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo...

== [Episode 51] Air-Ride-in-Style - Part II ([Episode 97] ワープスターの危機! (後編))==
:'''Escargoon''': ''[after watching the Formula Star Rider's defeat]'' I'd say that guy's a formula for disaster.
:'''King Dedede''': I ain't worried none. We still got three more left here. ''[laughing]'' Kirby just got lucky that time, that's all.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, what's he slurpin' up all that water for?
:'''Escargoon''': Maybe he ate somethin' salty.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kirby has defeated the Rocket Star Air Rider]''
:'''Tuff''': Yeah!
:'''Tiff''': They might be faster, but Kirby's way smarter.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[after having watched the Winged Star Rider's defeat and angrily growls]'' These Air Riders is a bust. Whatcha givin' me?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Hold on there, gents. After all, the show's not over yet, is it?
:'''Escargoon''': No, but it better have an unhappy ending.
:'''King Dedede''': This last one better do the trick or you in trouble here!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': You'll see that Shadow Star's the grand finale.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[about the Winged Star]'' Wow, Kirby really knows how to fly that thing!
:'''Meta Knight''': A Star Warrior can fly anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': How'd we get inside Kabu? What happened?
:'''Tuff''': Don't you remember? You and Kirby were flying on the Warp Star and you fell off.
:''[Tiff remembers when a blast from a Destraya chipped off a piece of Kirby's Warp Star and knocked both of them off]''
:'''Tuff''': We were kind of worried. You and Kirby have been knocked out ever since.
:'''Tiff''': But what about the flying fighters that were after Kirby?
:'''Tuff''': What flying fighters?
:'''Tiff''': What do you mean what flying fighters?
:'''Tuff''': There weren't any fighters. We've all been inside waiting for you guys to wake up.
:'''Meta Knight''': Tiff, did you really see them?
:'''Tiff''': I'm telling you, I saw them, Meta Knight. You don't think I'd lie, do you?
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''Kabu''': No, Tiff. It was all a dream. A dream that only you and Kirby dreamt.
:'''Tiff''': I don't understand.
:'''Kabu''': Tiff, I sent you and Kirby that dream. I have learned from others like me that eNeMeE has been stealing Air Ride Machines throughout the universe.
:'''Tiff''': But I still don't understand why you would send that dream to Kirby and me.
:'''Kabu''': Kirby must learn to fly not just Warp Stars, but other battle vehicles as well.
:'''Tiff''': Well you should be proud of him. Kirby flew those things like a pro.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Well, it seems Kirby and his Warp Star aren't invincible after all.
:'''Nightmare''': It's only a matter of time before the Warp Star will be ours for the taking. ''[laughs evilly]''

== [Episode 52] Scare Tactics - Part I ([Episode 45] 真夏の夜のユーレイ! (前編))==
:'''Tiff''': ''[to Kirby]'' It must be real hard to play soccer when you're always mistaken for the ball.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': ''[laughs heartily]'' How's that? You saw an actual ghost?
:'''Chief Bookem''': From the scream she let out, I'd have to say you're right, Mayor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuggle''': What good's being a kid if you don't have nightmares once in a while?

== [Episode 53] Scare Tactics - Part II ([Episode 46] 真夏の夜のユーレイ! (後編))==
:'''Meta Knight''': I sense a dangerous force at work here. It must be eNeMeE.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Uh-oh. Escargoon? Yo! You okay? I done mistook you for a ghost!
:'''Escargoon''': ...How many ghosts take showers?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I was about to rid your kingdom of Kirby once and for all, and you two nearly spoiled it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': This little bonehead's a real shocker!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirby''': Zzzzzzzzz....

== [Episode 54] One Crazy Knight ([Episode 54] やりすぎの騎士! キハーノ)==
:'''Sir Gallant''': Greetings, peasants! I am Sir Gallant, and I have been greatly moved by your plight and by the courage that you have shown in the face of such monstrous enslavement. But fear not. The end of your oppression is at hand!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sir Gallant''': ''[to Windwhipper]'' So, we meet again. You bested me last time, but this time I will prevail!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mabel''': It is up to you to fight for justice everywhere.

== [Episode 55] Sweet &amp; Sour Puss ([Episode 55] ある愛のデデデ)==
:''[In the morning, at the Castle]''
:'''Escargoon''': Dedede's a rotten boss to work for. That I can't deny. He yells and screams and criticizes, no matter how I try. I deserve a raise, but the king refuses. All I ever get are bumps and bruises! He's a grouch. He's a grump. But I stay. Maybe I'll be king one day.
:''[King Dedede suddenly looms over Escargoon, but something about the former seems different; he's acting much nicer and more patient than normal]''
:'''King Dedede''': So, I'm a grouch and a grump and a rotten boss, huh?
:'''Escargoon''': ''[Blushes, nervously]'' I wasn't talking about you. It was a different tyrant.
:'''King Dedede''': That's okay.
:'''Escargoon''': Ah! ''[Exclaims]'' Look out! ''[He accidentally dumps the roses with a vase on King Dedede and whimpering. Dedede pull the vase off his head, Escargoon dreaming about to get clobbered by Dedede]'' Please don't clobber me.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Chuckles]'' I sure won't.
:'''Escargoon''': Huh? You mean you're not gonna mash me with your mallet?
:'''King Dedede''': No, I forgive you.
:'''Escargoon''': Huh? You do? I wonder if I still dreaming. ''[thuds and Dedede walks away]'' He's acting like he traded personalities with a teddy bear. Must be a ruse to get my guard down. ''[Dedede returns with a mop]'' I knew it! ''[Dedede cleans up the mess on the floor with the mop]'' Huh? ''[Dedede still cleaning]'' You can't trick me by pretending that you're not angry. I know you're planning to mop the floor with me.
:'''King Dedede''': I ain't angry with you.
:'''Escargoon''': Please don't torture me this way!!
:'''King Dedede''': Let's let bygones be bygones!
:'''Escargoon''': It's hard to believe but, maybe he means it. ''[exclaims in happily]'' Sire!
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[He grabs the mop from Dedede]'' There's no way I'm falling for that gag. You fooled me too many times. ''[He pushes Dedede causing him to accidentally step on a rose thorn and then cause the vase to crash onto his head]'' Oh boy! I'm in for in now!
:'''King Dedede''': Why'd you push me?
:'''Escargoon''': ''[Whimpers]'' I'm sorry!
:'''King Dedede''': That's okay.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[screams in shocked and Dedede luaghs]'' That's it! I give you! Sire, please stop acting like you don't want to get even with me? ''[cries]''
:'''King Dedede''': I just want us to be friends.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[screams in horrified]'' OH NO!!! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!!! ''[laughs in horrified]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': That Dr. Yabui is full of hooey!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Why can't we all just be friends?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': This hallway needs a traffic light.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Isn't anybody normal around here?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Togeira, inside his head, has just stored enough of his anger and now unleashes it into an explosive flaming rage from within him, causing him to let loose a rage-filled roar to everyone's horror while causing Escargoon whimpering at the same time]'' &lt;big&gt;'''Now it's payback time!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Tuff''': No more Mr. Nice Guy.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo! Po, poy!
:'''Tiff''': He's back to his old self.
:'''Meta Knight''': No, the monster is still controlling him.
:'''King Dedede''': &lt;big&gt;'''Alright Escargoon, who's been beating on me!?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[yells in panic, then laughs nervously and afterwards throws Dedede's hammer to Kirby]'' Uh, Kirby!
:'''Kirby''': Poy! ''[Dedede grabs his hammer back from him]'' Po, poyo? Po...
:'''King Dedede''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''WELL NOW I'M GONNA POUND YOU 'TIL YOU'RE FLAT AS A FLAPPYJACK!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Whoa, that monster's super mad!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kirby and friends laugh at each other]''
:'''Kirby''': Poyo, poyo! Poyo, poyo!

== [Episode 56] Dedede's Pet Threat ([Episode 56] わがままペットスカーフィ) ==
:'''King Dedede''': Aww... Ain't my new Scarfy-poos sweet, Escargoonie-goon?
:'''Escargoon''': Yeah, I suppose they're kind of sweet. The kind of sweet that makes you barf.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': What's the matter? Ain't I tasty enough?

== [Episode 57] A Half-Baked Battle ([Episode 57 パイを笑う者はパイに泣くぞい!) ==
:'''Kirby''': Hahahahahahaha! ''[laughs at King Dedede]''
:'''Tokkori''': HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!
:'''Escargoon''': Get a load of that!
:'''Buttercup &amp; Chief Bookem''': HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
:'''Escargoon''': Let's show an instant replay! ''[laughs]''
:'''Prof. Curio''': HOHOHOHAHAHA!!!!!
:'''Escargoon''': Here it is from another angle! ''[laughs]''
:'''Tuggle &amp; Gus''': HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
:'''Escargoon''': ''[Laughs even harder]''
:'''Chef Kawasaki, Gengu &amp; 2 Other Cappies''': HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
:'''Escargoon''': I gotta see this again! Roll it in slow-mo this time! ''[A slow-mo of King Dedede getting hit by the pie is shown on TV, laughs]''
:'''Iro &amp; His Parents''': HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dedede''': I'm through with that chef show! I want some good grub and all I get is a pie in the eye!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dedede''': ''[overhears Tiff's family laughing at him getting hit with a pie]'' Hey, what's so funny? ''[the family stops laughing for a few seconds, and then starts laughing again]''
:'''Sir Ebrum''': You're quite the comedian, your majesty!
:'''Tiff''': A cream pie in the face... now that's a classic! ''[She and Sir Ebrum start laughing again while Dedede growls angrily]''
:'''Escargoon''': Slowing down the tape for a moment, we clearly see the stunned expression on the king's face as he is unexpectedly pie-pummeled. ''[laughs at the repeats twice]''
:'''Lady Like''': You also made my family scream many times in the past, your majesty. But now it's screaming with laughter!
:'''Tuff''': It's funnier every time they show it! ''[Dedede growls again before running out of the living room]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dedede''': I'm replacing it with a brand new show. It's one of them reality programs... called Pie Justice!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Dedede! Pie throwing isn't just a waste of time. It's also a waste of food! You should be ashamed of yourself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Here's a little get well present for ya, D-Man! We heard you had a serious case of pie-arrhea!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Now listen up! His Highness is declaring a new law!
:'''King Dedede''': From now on, anybody in this here kingdom who says the word &quot;poyo&quot; is gonna be found guilty of treason!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo?
:'''King Dedede''': AH! Y'all heard that trash-talkin' traitor!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Why don't you suck it up!? ''[tastes the custard]'' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''UUUUUGGGHHH!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Bellybuster must make his pies in a barber shop. They taste like shaving cream, except worse.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Kirby, suck it up!
:'''Kirby''': ''[covers his mouth and shakes his head no]''
:'''Tiff''': ''[gasps]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Not even Kirby could eat anything that bad.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Somebody cooks worse than me! ''[laughs heartily]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': I feel... dirty. ''[Sigh]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Here comes the custard!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': What's happening?!
:'''Meta Knight''': Bellybuster has swallowed them and they will now be... digested.
:'''Tiff''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''NO!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

== [Episode 58] eNeMeE Elementary ([Episode 58] 魔獣教師でお仕置きよ!)==
:'''Tuff''': ''[Singing]'' When old King Dedede came to town, he got off his throne and his pants fell down.
:'''Spikehead''': ''[Singing]'' He thinks he's a king, but he's really a clown.
:'''Honey''': ''[Singing]'' When Dedede came to town!
:'''Tuff, Iro, Spikehead &amp; Honey''': ''[Singing]'' When old King Dedede starts to roar, he never heard anything like it before.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo, Poyo!
:'''Tuff, Iro, Spikehead &amp; Honey''': ''[Singing]'' Unless of course, you heard him snore, then Dedede starts to roar! ''[Laughing]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escagoon''': ''[Laughing]'' That's you, sire.
:'''King Dedede''': They're making a monkey out of me!
:'''Escargoon''': Oh, you've got to admit, it is pretty funny, sire. ''(laughing again)'' Huh? ''(sees his own drawing)'' I'll sue those little punks!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': How come we have to wear these goofy-looking robes?
:'''King Dedede''': 'Cause I'm the one selling them, that's why!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Must be the spirit of creativitude taking over!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[being possessed by the demon hat]'' Listen up you rowdy bunch of hooligans! ''[To Kirby]'' If you think you can get away with that kind of behavior in my class, [[w:You've Got Another Thing Comin'|You've Got Another Thing Comin'!]]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Cries]'' Them ruffians ain't never gonna learn no manners! ''[Cries Again]''

== [Episode 59] The Meal Moocher ([Episode 59] 最強番組, 直撃! 晩ごはん) ==
:'''King Dedede''': ''[He starts to shake and hold the menu in the air, everyone backs away as he tears the menu in half]'' I WANT NEW FOOD AND I WANT IT NOW!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hana''': ''[to Kirby]'' You came just in time! I'm about to serve dinner. Would you like to come join us?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Just look at 'im! That pink pan-handler hustled three dinners out of those Cappies in one night!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sir Ebrum''': ''[about the idea of winning money through a meal]'' That's interesting.
:'''Lady Like''': It would be nice to win that money.
:'''Sir Ebrum''': Oh dear, we're above that sort of thing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughing]'' Just remember, I like king-sized portions!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Buttercup''': Oh, we'll begin with the miso soup! It's from an old Japanese recipe I found. The second course will be sushi! There are twelve different varieties! We also have a medley of spring vegetables - many from outside Dream Land - all steamed to perfection and sprinkled with the special egg soy sauce! Next, comes a new dish I just invented: turkey tempura! There's also a special treat: broiled eel and onions! Those are just the appetizers! Now, for the main course!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[thinking]'' This is trouble. I gotta stop the king from giving them a five-star rating, or our bank accounts is going belly-up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Buttercup''': My crab has been sabotaged! I demand to see an instant replay just before the main course!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[he grabs Escargoon's goatee]'' '''HEY!''' What's the idea torchin' my tongue!?
:'''Escargoon''': Sorry, Sire. But I had to act quick cause you can't afford to pay out any more prize money!
:'''King Dedede''': Let's see how you like you red pepper, You double-dealin' spice sneakin' slug, here!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I done decided that I don't feel like dinin' on crab no more. 'Specially when it's bigger than me. But you can go on ahead and eat it yourself if you want to.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Not even Kirby gets hungry enough to gobble up a giant monster for dinner. ''[laughs with everybody until Kirby gets ready to inhale the crab he just cooked, much to their shock]'' Kirby! &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''NOOO!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

== [Episode 60] Crusade for the Blade ([Episode 60] 宝剣ギャラクシア!) ==
:'''King Dedede''': ''[yawns]'' I ain't seen no flyin' saucers here. I just wanna go back to bed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sirica''': 	Meta Knight!
:''[Meta Knight looks up to see Sirica on a level higher than the one he's standing on]''
:'''Sirica''': It's been a very long time.
:'''Meta Knight''': You speak as though we have met. Have we?
:'''Sirica''': So you don't remember? My mother was the Star Warrior Garlude!
:''[Meta Knight gasps in realization that Sirica is Garlude's daughter, just before Sirica starts opening fire on him and his knights with her machine gun]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Who are you?
:'''Sirica''': My name is Sirica.
:'''Tiff''': Why are you after Meta Knight?
:'''Sirica''': He has something that is very precious to me. His sword: Galaxia.
:'''Tiff''': Galaxia?
:'''Tuff''': You mean Meta Knight's sword has a name?
:'''Kirby''': Poyo?
:'''Tiff''': This is ridiculous! Meta Knight's a great Star Warrior, not a thief like you.
:'''Sirica''': Hmph. Meta Knight inspires great loyalty, for someone so heartless.
:''[Kirby and the kids gasp at what Sirica just said]''
:'''Tuff''': What do you mean?!
:'''Sirica''': Your friend Meta Knight was an enemy of my mother. ''[begins flashback, in her mind]'' It was many many, years ago. My mother Garlude was considered the greatest of all Star Warriors. She and Meta Knight had been chosen among many noble warriors to reclaim the sacred sword, Galaxia, which had been stolen by the evil beast: Kirisakin. They began to battle the great monster. Both were brave and fought valiantly, but in the end, the beast proved too strong for Garlude. Just as she was reclaiming the sword, she was overpowered! Meta Knight stood and watched as my mother lost the battle. He stole the sword and fled, leaving my mother to perish... alone. ''[ends flashback]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': She's a little girl with a big ol' gun and a whole lot of attitude!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Very interesting. Well, if this space girl's as tough as you say she is, then I better send over the &quot;big guy&quot;. ''[sends Kirisakin to King Dedede and Escargoon as it roars and clashes its two scythes over its head]''
:'''King Dedede''': Now that's a monster!	
:'''Escargoon''': Ugh... I think I'm gonna faint.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sirica''': That sword is mine! Now you will pay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sirica''': ''[having heard a familiar lion-esque roar and seen Kirisakin making its way to Kabu]'' This can't be... it's Kirisakin, the great monster.
:'''Meta Knight''': Kirisakin is here to reclaim the Galaxia sword. We must stop it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Galaxia''': ''[after Sirica tries to pry it from the ground a second time]'' My name is Galaxia. Only the most powerful of knights may wield my ancient magic. Meta Knight is the chosen one. Your mother Garlude knew well this truth. ''[begins flashback to how Garlude sacrificed herself to deliver Galaxia to Meta Knight]'' In sacrificing her life, Garlude made the ultimate sacrifice.
:''[Garlude manages to pry Galaxia from its pedestal and throws it to Meta Knight before Kirisakin delivers the killing blow to her from behind. Meta Knight claims Galaxia and leaps at Kirisakin to fight it. End flashback]''
:'''Sirica''': If my mother gave my life for this, I shall too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sirica''': Galaxia... Now I know what a great Star Warrior my mother was to the very end.
:'''Meta Knight''': Sirica. Your mother would have been so proud.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Wow, Meta Knight! She was a great warrior.

== [Episode 61] Fitness Fiend ([Episode 61] 肥惨! スナックジャンキー)==
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Surrounded by potato chip bags]'' Y'know, there's jus' somthin' about sittin' in front o' the TV all day long that gives me the nibblies!
:'''Escargoon''': Just look at this mess! Where do you expect me to put all these soggy sacks?
:'''King Dedede''': This looks like a good place! ''[Shoves an empty bag onto Escargoon's head]''
:'''Escargoon''': You know, you're a real couch potato. You're as big as a couch and you're full of potatoes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': He has fallen, and cannot get up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Hey, what up, D?
:'''King Dedede''': Zip yer layer!
:'''Escargoon''': Your chips made his majesty a travesty!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': It's not our fault he can't control his appetite! We made those snacks to fatten up Kirby, not you, sire.
:'''King Dedede''': Why'd ya have to go and make 'em so delicious?! Nobody can resist those things! THEY'S TOO DANG TASTY!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Max Flexer''': Treadmills are a lot of fun. You'll survive 'em if you run! Get it going really fast, or this race will be your last!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': If fit is in, I'm out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[after Kirby has transformed into Mike Kirby]'' Oh no! I forgot how terrible Microphone Kirby's singing is!

== [Episode 62] Mabel Turns the Tables ([Episode 62] たかが占いされど占い) ==
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': ''[about Curio's fortune]'' He must have picked the stone! NO!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': I know what you're doing. Samo, you should be ashamed of yourself!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lady Like''': My husband's prime minister!
:'''Escargoon''': Your husband's unemployed, [[w:Blondie (band)|Blondie]]!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': I suppose the royal golf course is a bust?
:'''Mabel''': You said it, not I.

== [Episode 63] Something to Sneeze At ([Episode 63] 師走のカゼはつらいぞい!)==
:'''Escargoon''': Ah...ah...ah...ah...AH-CHOO!!!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[grunts]'' You sprayed me! Now what was that for!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': HEY, YOU, META KNIGHT! Whadda' you know about all the sneezin' and wheezin' that's goin' round' here?
:'''Meta Knight''': ''[Coughs and Runs off]''
:'''King Dedede''': Even Meta Knight got a cold!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirby''': Ahh..ahh.ahhhh.... CHOO!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I turned myself into an ice cube and I still ain't sick. What am I doing wrong!?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Maybe you're too warm-hearted.

== [Episode 64] The Kirby Quiz ([Episode 64] 新春! カービィ・クイズショー )==
:'''King Dedede''': Here it is! A spankin' new year. Who knows? Maybe this year, I'll turn over a new leaf and treat folks more nice-like.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Greetings, and Happy New Year from all your friends at Nightmare Enterprises! I'll be hosting tonight's Kirby Quiz and I just know we're going to have a rockin' good time!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Honey''': I think it was Stone Kirby.
:'''Mabel''': I think you are right. ''[presses button]''
:'''Tokkori''': What's the answer?
:'''Tuff''': It was Fire Kirby. ''[presses button]''
:'''Samo''': I don't recall.
:'''Kawasaki''': I'll take a wild guess. ''[presses button, answering &quot;Needle&quot;]''
:'''Tiff''': That's easy. It was Fire Kirby, remember?
:'''Kirby''': ''[pressing button]'' Fire!
:'''Escargoon''': It was Fire Kirby for sure.
:'''King Dedede''': Haha! Stone Kirby! ''[presses button]''
:''[Escargoon gasps]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': This tough cookie fought against Kirby only to become a great hero. What was his name?
:'''Mabel and Honey''': Knuckle Joe! ''[presses button]''
:'''Samo and Kawasaki''': Knuckle Joe! ''[presses button]''
:'''Tiff and Kirby''': Knuckle Joe! ''[presses button]''
:'''Tuff and Tokkori''': Knuckle Joe! ''[presses button]''
:'''Escargoon''': Knuckle Joe!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[presses button]'' DEDEDE!
:''[Audience breaks out laughing]''
:'''Escargoon''': I had the right answer!
:'''King Dedede''': Guess my hands must have slipped or something.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff and Tokkori''': Spin Kick! ''[Tokkori presses button]''
:'''King Dedede and Escargoon''': Who cares, anyway?
:''[The entire audience breaks out laughing]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Well, it's starting to look like a Happy New Year already.

== [Episode 65] Masher 2.0 ([Episode 65] 逃げてきたナックルジョー) ==
:'''Lady Like''': ''[sees Tuff's soccer ball]'' Tuff, you know better. Take this ball outside.
:'''Tuff''': ''[about the outside storm]'' Out there? ''[cue booming thunder sounds, startling Kirby and the kids]''
:'''Sir Ebrum''': The weather's taken a nasty turn.
:'''Tiff''': I've never seen lightning this bad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Knuckle Joe''': I ain't sure how, but Masher's been rebuilt. And now it's out for revenge.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Knuckle Joe''': ''[to Masher 2.0]'' You're a lot stronger than me, that's for sure. But you've sure got a bucket of bolts for a brain! ''[Masher approaches]'' Get ready to rock! ''[punches the rock he's standing on, causing it to shatter]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[to King Dedede]'' Socked by a soccer ball. Your first sports injury!

== [Episode 66] The Chill Factor ([Episode 66] さまよえるペンギー) ==
:'''Pengy''': It is the Pengys' fate to wander far and wide. We are very weary but happy to have stumbled upon your chilly village. We would like to rest here for a while if you will have us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kirby and the kids have found a giant air conditioner that's been spewing cold air into the sky, discovering the source of the second wave of Winter weather in Dream Land]''
:'''Tuff''': Hey Tiff, what is that thing?
:'''Kirby''': Poyo?
:'''Tiff''': Now it all makes sense.
:'''Tuff &amp; Kirby''': Huh?
:'''Tiff''': The Pengy tribe brought this here on purpose, and it's so powerful that it turned our summer into winter.
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, but why?
:'''Kirby''': Poyo...
:''[suddenly, the trio hears a familiar voice. It's Pengy]''
:'''Pengy''': So, it looks as though our young friends have discovered our secret. ''[laughs as the trio turns around to see him and his guards ambush them and surround them with their spears]''
:'''Tiff''': Pengy!
:'''Tuff''': ''[gasps in horror]''
:'''Kirby''': Poyo!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pengy''': Your reign is through, King Dede-dumb!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pengy''': More ice. How thoughtful of you, Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirby''': ''[Singing]'' Payao puh poyo pay ya pa poyo poyo payo pay, poyo!

== [Episode 67] The School Scam ([Episode 67] 魔獣教師2) ==
:'''Kirk''': I sure hope our new school's built better than this dump!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Smirk''': There ain't no one to stop us, so we can teach all we want!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': ''[as Tiff enters the classroom]'' What are you doing here?
:'''Dirk''': You got expelled from school.
:'''Smirk''': And we did the expellin'.
:'''Tiff''': I'm taking charge here and you're taking a hike. ''[Kirby, Tuff, and the Cappy kids are surprised]''
:'''Dirk''': You don't count so good for a math teacher.
:'''Kirk''': It's three against one!
:'''Tiff''': True... But I've got one brain and you three bullies haven't gotten any.
:'''Smirk''': Then let's have a toughness test!
:'''Tiff''': That's fine with me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%/&gt;
:'''Smirk''': You ain't such a bad brawler for a teacher. Too bad I gotta clobber ya.
:'''Tiff''': I hope you like to travel, because I'm gonna send you packing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': YAY!!!
:'''Tokkori''': HOORAY!!!
:'''Kirby''': POYO!!!
:'''Kirby, Tuff, and the Cappy kids''': ''[cheering]''
:'''Tiff''': No!
:''[Kirby, Tuff, and the Cappy kids gasp]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Maybe... but teachers are supposed to solve problems with their heads, not their hands. I wish I could figure out a way to reach even those three guys. To help them see learning's really interesting. When you goof off in school, you could be missing something really great and never even realize it. The most important job of the teacher is to help your students want to learn. It's really sad when you don't succeed. There are so many great things to discover in this world. School gives you the tools that can help you learn. But the most important tool of all is the curiosity inside us. Promise me that you guys will never give up trying to learn new things. Promise! That's... all, I guess.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''MT2''': Here we come, Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Aaah! School's out!
:'''Escargoon''': We failed again!
:'''King Dedede''': There's always next semester!

== [Episode 68] Delivery Dilemma ([Episode 68] 勝ち抜け! デリバリー時代) ==
:'''Tuff''': ''[brings out a nice hot bowl of ramen]'' Here, nice hot noodles.
:'''King Dedede''': Hot... noodles...? ''[steps closer to Tuff, laughing all the while, while quickly recovering from his red eyes of sleeplessness]'' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''THEY'S FINALLY HERE!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Thanks, kid. ''(takes the bowl of ramen before Dedede can grab it)''
:'''King Dedede''': Huh? ''[sees Escargoon eating the ramen and grabs him]'' You no-good noodle-nabber! ''[swipes the ramen bowl]''
:'''Escargoon''': ''[swipes his ramen bowl back]'' Hands off! I just ordered these for myself.
:'''King Dedede''': What's that?!
:'''Tuff''': That's right. He called 10 minutes ago.
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah? Well I ordered me a big bowl of noodles yesterday. ''[releases Escargoon]'' I thought mine got here first.
:'''Tuff''': Uh oh. I guess Kirby goofed up after all. Uh, be right back with your order! ''[runs off back to Restaurant Kawasaki]''
:'''King Dedede''': ''[angrily growls]'' I should've known it was Kirby, that nasty little pasta poacher! I'm gonna get me my own delivery dude so there ain't no more mess-up!

== [Episode 69] Trick or Trek ([Episode 69] ウィスピーの森のエコツアー)==
:'''Whispy Woods''': I will protect you for as long as I am able.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': We have to make sure they see our smoke signal.
:'''King Dedede''': This oughtta do the trick.
:''[suddenly, the fire they placed bursts into an even bigger one to their surprise, causing the nearby trees to catch fire much to Escargoon's shock]''
:'''Escargoon''': Ah! The whole forest could catch on fire.
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, great idea!
:'''Escargoon''': Huh?
:'''King Dedede''': We gotta clear out Whispy Woods for my golf course and this is the quick, easy way!
:'''Escargoon''': ''[smiles delightfully in response to Dedede's voiced idea]'' Your blazin' new trail, Sire!
:'''King Dedede''': And afterwards, there's gonna be a lotta charcoal 'round a useful barbecuein'!
:'''Escargoon''': Let's go! Before we get cooked... ''[he and Dedede are scared off by the flames, which have now grown bigger and are spreading quickly through the forest, causing a huge forest fire]''

== [Episode 70] Buccaneer Birdy ([Episode 70] トッコリ卿の伝説)==
:'''Tokkori''': So now we know I'm a noble. *chews* Guess I'll live with ya here at the castle, huh? ''[chews]'' I don't ''[gulps]'' mind. ''[chews]'' But I warn ya, I can't stand loud snorin' when I'm tryin' to sleep. I bet Blue Boy here snores even louder than Kirby, so ya better keep it quiet or you're gone!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Quit stallin' and hand over Tokkori's treasure now!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo!
:'''Escargoon''': That birdseed brain's out of luck. The king and I are goin' fifty-fifty!
:'''King Dedede''': Fool. I used it all to buy myself more monsters!
:'''Escargoon''': But sire...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': I guess Tokkori will always be Tokkori after all.

== [Episode 71] A Whale of a Tale ([Episode 71] 密着! ホエール・ウォッチング)==
:'''Kine''': SUSHI!?!?
:'''Kirby''': Sushi poyo!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': HEY!
:'''Tiff''': What's wrong?
:'''Tuff''': We saw what you're hiding down there. Nets and harpoons and stuff for catching whales!
:'''Kirby''': ''[angrily]'' Poyo!
:'''Tiff''': For catching whales?!
:'''King Dedede''': Aww. Guess we've been found out. Escargoon?
:'''Escargoon''': Aye aye, Sire. ''[presses a button and Dedede's boat reveals its true form as a whaling ship]''
:'''Tiff''': This isn't a tour boat. It's a whaling ship!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughing]'' Time to start whaling!

== [Episode 72] Waddle While You Work ([Episode 72] ワドルディ売ります) ==
:'''Tiff''': That's just horrible!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': What is?
:'''Tiff''': Taking advantage of those poor things!
:'''Curio''': Would you all rather they work for Dedede?
:'''Tiff''': Uh, well...
:'''Tuff''': Hey, Tiff, we never thought about that.
:'''Gengu''': After all, it's not as if we don't treat 'em right!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': This is hopeless.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waddle Doo''': Your Highness! Let go of the boy!
:'''Tiff''': He wants Dyna Chick for his dinner!
:'''King Dedede''': That's right, and I ain't givin' up this here bird no way no how!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I'll get you, Kirby! That's the last time you steal my dinner! YOU CHICKEN THIEF!

== [Episode 73] Dedede's Raw Deal ([Episode 73] まわれ! 回転寿司)==
:'''King Dedede''': This grub tastes grubby.
:'''Escargoon''': Ugh. If you eat fast, you won't notice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Your Majesty, I could use some financial help.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughs]'' I bet you want a loan!
:'''Escargoon''': That's an even riskier proposition than eating your food.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Why you? How dare you question His Majesty's integrity!? Why, he's as honest as the day is dark!
:'''Tiff''' &amp; '''Tuff''': Huh?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': This isn't news, it's a commerci- ''[hiccups and covers her mouth]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': This sushi monster's gonna clobber Kirby!
:'''Escargoon''': Yeah. It sure is well-armed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Kirby, listen up! ''[Kirby hiccups]'' If you don't get rid of those hiccups, you'll never be able to eat again!
:'''Kirby''': ''[Freaking Out]'' POYO!!!!! ''[Jumps and spins around to freshen up and his hiccups are gone]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Look, sire. it's raining calamari!
:'''King Dedede''': Great. I'm bankrupted in all I got is a lifetime supply of squid.
:'''Escargoon''': We're broke now. What do we do?
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': That's easy. We can use this with to make sushi. Right?
:''[Dedede and Escargoon crying]''

== [Episode 74] Caterpillar Thriller ([Episode 74] モスガバーの逆襲!) ==
:'''Escargoon''': Get it, Kirby! I can't take these sinus allergies anymore. ''[sneezes]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Island Sisters''': Mosugaba truly wants to live in peace. It is only attacking to set us free. But we can sing to Mosugaba to calm him down.

== [Episode 75] Fossil Fools - Part I ([Episode 75] 夢の恐竜天国! (前編)) ==
:'''King Dedede''': WHERE ALL THE DINOSAURS AT?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[reading Dedede's book about dinosaurs]'' Lots of folks say that dinosaurs is extunct, but I say the proof is in the pictures.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[screams]'' Look at that thing!
:'''King Dedede''': Looks kinda familiar!

== [Episode 76] Fossil Fools - Part II ([Episode 76] 夢の恐竜天国! (後編))==
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughs]'' Escarsaurus sure is a dino wimp, I'd say.
:'''Escargoon''': Give him all you've got, Escarsaurus! Tackle that tub of lard!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Buttercup''': ''[to Chief Bookem]'' That dinosaur has your face!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mabel''': Something about that dinosaur looks familiar.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mabel''': Have I gone mad, Samo, or did those dinosaurs look just like you and me?
:'''Samo''': They did indeed. But I must admit, I find you much prettier.
:'''Mabel''': I hope so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': That dinosaur looks just like me!
:'''Tuff''': She even has your personality!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirby''': Yaaaiie suikaa poyoo!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Doctor Moro''': It would be foolish to destroy my laboratory.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Hey, he looks just like me!
:'''Tuff''': It's a Kawasakisaurus!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Doctor Moro''': Thanks to your invaluable tip, Tiff, I have achieved what I believe to be my greatest creation. By using Star Warrior DNA, I have created the ULTIMATE MONSTER!! ''[evilly laughs and turns into a monster]''

== [Episode 77] Dedede's Monsterpiece ([Episode 77] ロイヤルアカデデデミー) ==
:'''King Dedede''': ''[points to a huge, cross-eyed version of himself]'' Right here, that's me. Since I'm what you'd call the star of this here paintin', I'm smack-dab in the middle! You'll note the perspecticles, and I put a big old impressionistic Sun ''[a red circle with lines coming off it]'' up there, see? ''[Points to his small castle, and a huge misshapen-looking Escargoon next to it]'' Right there is my castle, and right next to it is Escargoon. Note the lack of depth. ''[points to an awkwardly-angled version of Mayor Len Blustergas with noodle arms and two giant angry Pac-Man-like sheep behind him]'' This here's the Mayor being chased by his sheep. ''[points to a misshapen Kirby in the corner of the painting]'' And this here's Kirby. He's being chased by me! See, I drawed him all lumpy to express his inner lumpiness!
:'''Kirby''': ''[angrily hopping up and down]'' POYO! &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''POYOOOO!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

== [Episode 78] Right Hand Robot ([Episode 78] 発進! エスカルゴン・ロボ) ==
:'''King Dedede''': You must be cleaning this castle with your eye-shut. It's filthy! ''[He blows the dust at Escargoon]''
:'''Escargoon''': ''[coughing]'' I dust this dump every day! I can't be a full-time housekeeper and a full-time lackey.
:'''King Dedede''': Well, you better find a way you out of here.
:'''Escargoon''': But sire, I need this rotten job.
:'''King Dedede''': It's time for my massage.
:''[Escargoon massaging Dedede on a back, grunting]''
:'''King Dedede''': Quit wimpin' out. Pull a little muscle into.
:'''Escargoon''': How's this?
:'''King Dedede''': LOUSY! This is how you give a massage!
:'''Escargoon''': ''[screaming as Dedede stretching his arms ]'' Uncle! ''[thuds]'' That wasn't too relaxing.
:'''King Dedede''': Guess I'll have to pull harder next time. ''[laying down on a beach lounge chair]'' Fetch me a toothpick and my monster catalogue.
:''[Escargoon scowls]''
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Being serious]'' What you waiting for!?
:'''Escargoon''': Sorry, Sire. ''[He scurried]''
:'''King Dedede''': My monster catalogue.
:'''Escargoon''': Ugh. I've forgot. ''[He scurried again]''
:'''King Dedede''': Magnifying glasses.
:'''Escargoon''': Sorry, Sire. ''[He scurried once again]'' Here.
:'''King Dedede''': I want me a cup of tea. 
:'''Escargoon''': ''[He scurried again once more]'' Yes, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': Too cold.
:'''Escargoon''': Right. ''[He keep scurried]''
:'''King Dedede''': Too hot.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[He scurried slowly, panting]'' The king's running me ragged here. I wish he'd give me sometime off to take a trip. ''[He tripped on a carpet as the cup of tea spilled on his head, screamed in pain]'' Hotty! Hotty! Hotty! Hotty!
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon!
:'''Escargoon''': His Highness does care about me. Oh, Si..''[Getting hitted by Dedede's mallet]''
:'''King Dedede''': You spilled tea on my carpet!
:'''Escargoon''': But Sire, I'm bound to make mistakes when you overwork me and don't give me a break.
:'''King Dedede''': Well if you fooled up again I'll give you plenty of breaks from head to toe.
:'''Escargoon''': Hmph! You snail-driver! I'm tired of being harassed, tired of being insulted, and tired of being tired!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon! This your pea-brained idea of a joke?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escar-Droid''': MUST. CRUSH. KIRBY.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': I'll get you this time, Kirby!
:'''Meta Knight''': No, you won't! ''[slides into Escargoon and sends him flying into a tree]''

== [Episode 79] Goin' Bonkers ([Episode 79] ボンカースあらわる!) ==
:'''Bonkers''': Look for him.
:'''Mabel''': You want me to tell you Kirby's future?
:'''Bonkers''': Kirby, in here?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': Ha ha! I bet ya Kirby went on a banana-eatin' binge and gobbled up all his food supply!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': What? A gorilla hammering folks on a head?
:'''Waddle Doo''': I heard that if you don't give 'im money or bananas, he gets real mad, and that's when he strikes.
:'''Escargoon''': He sounds like a bill collector which means he'll come here for the nine million we owe N.M.E..
:'''King Dedede''': So how much would nine million be if we pay him in bananas?
:'''Escargoon''': Huh? I don't know the exchange rate for fruit.
:'''King Dedede''': Well, ain't no bullying bill collector gonna knock on my royal noggin'! Throw that gorilla into whose gal!
:'''Escargoon''': Let's hope he doesn't make a chimpanzee out of you. ''[Getting hitted by Dedede's mallet]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, Waddle Doo! Go and get that gorilla!
:'''Waddle Doo''': Let's move it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Kirby's in big trouble if that gorilla can track him down before we do.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Yeah! Why would a big gorilla be lookin' for Kirby?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bonkers''': Me want to train with Kirby.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': That's a ridiculous idea. Who ever heard of making a giant gorilla monster?

== [Episode 80] Power Ploy ([Episode 80] 強壮! ドリンク狂想曲) ==
:'''King Dedede''': Why, just last night I was working at my desk burning up the midnight oil!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Did... I just hear you say you were working?
:'''King Dedede''': Yep! I spent hours at my PC!
:'''Escargoon''': And he almost got it turned on, too! ''[laughs before getting hammered by Dedede]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Upwardly mobile types like us can easily get worn down. That's why we came up with a new energy-booster drink to keep you going like gangbusters round the clock. It's called Pump Up D!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Yeah! I have tons of energy! Ha-haha! I feel like Super Kawasaki! Up and away!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cappy patient''': Doctor... Isn't there anything you can do? I feel awful all over.
:'''Dr. Yabui''': There's no cure... unless you drink this Pump Up D!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Glu-gly-cero-poly-carbo-phosphate. This health drink is totally unhealthy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Triple D, this snake monster is guaranteed to rattle Kirby.

== [Episode 81] A Trashy Tale ([Episode 81] ドキッ! かたづけられない女)==
:'''Escargoon''': I can't tell if this is a throne room or a landfill.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Yabui''': It took me months and months to finish this article!! Grr... WHO DID THIS?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Yabui''': I'm messy, eh? Just wait 'til I get my hands on you! I'll show you messy! My paper's ruined!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Trash Basher, the garbage monster. This stinks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Yeah! We haven't seen Cleaning Kirby in ages!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[To Tuff]'' Don't laugh, you have to clean your room too!
:'''Tuff''': ''[Nervously Laughs]''
:'''Kirby''': ''[while Handing Tuff A Broom]'' Poyo, Poyo!
:'''Tuff''': Ah boy, what a dirty trick.

== [Episode 82] Cooking Up Trouble ([Episode 82] 合体ロボリョウリガーZ!)==
:'''Sword Kinght''': Blade?
:'''Blade Knight''': Ay?
:'''Sword Knight''': Smells delicious, don't it? Course' anything would smell good compared to Meta knight's cooking!
:''[Blade Knight speaks in foreign language]''
:'''Sword Knight''': You could say that again!
:'''Meta Knight''': ''[he enters from behind]'' Say what again?
:''[Sword and Blade turn around surprised]''
:'''Sword Knight''': Err... He was saying that your cooking... is beyond compare!
:''[Blade Knight responds in foreign language]''
:'''Meta Knight''': Hmm...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Listen everybody! You're going about this thing the wrong way. Those machines can't cook for you because the most important ingredient is missing. You can't make great food unless you use your heart. Cooking isn't about using all the latest technology. Your food will always be mediocre unless you care about what you make.

== [Episode 83] Teacher's Threat ([Episode 83] 魔獣教師3)==
:'''King Dedede''': It's time for me to face the fact that I may need some education.
:'''Escargoon''': Education won't help you. The mind's only a terrible thing to waste if you have one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': What are you brats gonna learn standing out here in the rain? How to get soggy?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': But this school doesn't have anything to do with cooking.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': That's okay. My cooking doesn't have anything to do with cooking either!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Chip''': I'm sorry, but in my classroom, everyone is equal, whether you're royalty or not. Let's try again, shall we, Dedede?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Chip''': Punishment won't help him learn. What Dedede could use is a bit of encouragement.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': If Mr. Chip could stay here in Cappy Town, I'd be the happiest girl alive. Mr. Chip is a wonderful man!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I need some down time so my brain could re-coagulate.

== [Episode 84] Mumbies Madness ([Episode 84] キュリオ氏の秘宝?) ==
:'''Tokkori''': You hear that weird noise over there? You go check it out and I'll go back to sleep.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prof. Curio''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''LEAVE HERE IMMEDIATELY!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; ''[his shouting sends Kirby into an immediate panic as the latter flees, and he laughs evilly as the relic he was excavating is unsealed]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prof. Curio''': It's none of your business! Get lost!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[about Professor Curio]'' But... why would he act so mean?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kabu''': Kirby. You must be careful. That monster will never stop attacking you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[reading]'' Mumbies are a good luck monster. Whoever finds one will become rich. Mumbies dwell underground by day, and know where many fabulous treasures are buried.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': The Mumbies are vicious monsters sent throughout the universe to hunt down and exterminate Star Warriors. When the containers that hold them are discovered, they are automatically unsealed, and they begin looking for Star Warriors to destroy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prof. Curio''': It wasn't until I re-examined that book today that I realized what the King had done. I can't believe he tricked me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Easy, Sire. This is a comedy show, not a reality series!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[seeing that Kirby has let the Mumbies get burned by the sun's rays]'' Kirby won!
:'''Escargoon''': And who's fault was that?
:''[Dedede screams in anger]''

== [Episode 85] A Sunsational Surprise/A Sunsational Puzzle ([Episode 85] まぼろしの紫外線!) ==
:'''Lady Like''': WRINKLES!?!? ''[looks at herself in the mirror and then screams]'' The sun ''(Inaudible)'' ''(to the viewer)'' Stop staring at me! My face is looking like a prune! ''(screams)'' Call the plastic surgeon!
:'''Sir Ebrum''': Aren't you overreacting, dear?

== [Episode 86] A Chow Challenge ([Episode 86] 弟子対決! コックナゴヤ)==
:'''Chef Nagoya''': You really have made progress as a chef, Kawasaki. This is quite tasty!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I don't want Nagoya to find out that I still can't cook!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': If that guy studied with Kawasaki, then he's gotta be a graduate of the institute of indigestion!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': He took cookin' lessons with Kawasaki!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': We're doing our best, but Nightmare Enterprises deals in monsters, not in groceries. It may take a little time, Triple-D.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Nagoya''': Your crazy cuisine has won that little Star Warrior's heart and stomach. Kirby would never be happy eating my food. It's way too bland for his taste!

== [Episode 87] Waste Management ([Episode 87] 襲撃! カラスの勝手軍団) ==
:'''Crowmon''': You lied to me! You said you'd give us all we can eat. But the trash is gone and we're still hungry!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crowmon''': You will never get away!

== [Episode 88] Shell-Shocked ([Episode 88] はだかのエスカルゴン) ==
:'''Tiff''': Shell collecting is fun, but it can also be quite educational. Some creatures like clams have two shells that are connected. Other creatures just have a single shell.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[sneezes]'' Somethin' around here's got my allergies acting up.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughs]'' Just don't sneeze on the grill! I'm cookin' top shell! ''[he take a mouthful of topshell and he chewing]'' Maaaan! Is that ever hot! But tasty. Here, you wanna try one?
:'''Escargoon''': Not if they taste like they smell.
:'''King Dedede''': Not even one?
:'''Escargoon''': I don't like shellfish.
:'''King Dedede''': Bet you never tasted ones like these here. Come on!
:'''Escargoon''': Eugh... No! ''[exclaims]''
:'''King Dedede''': Guess that just means more top shells for me! ''[some empty topshells fell on a ground after he ate them all]'' Boy, oh, boy, that does a belly good!
:''[Waddle Dees clean some other topshells and except one who fell, and then Dedede imagine of this topshell]''
:'''King Dedede''': An empty shell. Get outta that shell right now!
:''[Escargoon screaming]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Come back here, Escargoon! I wanna see what you been hiding underneath that shell of yours!
:'''Escargoon''': You're crazy! It's not open to the public!
:'''King Dedede''': Slow down, so I can get a crack at it! ''[He tried to a mallet to Escargoon's shell, but it missed, Escargoon laughs]'' Grrr!! Come here!
:'''Escargoon''': ''[jumps]'' Oh! How dare you try to hit me! ''[jumps again]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[laughs]'' Methinks the king is out of shape. Well, ''adieu''. ''[chuckles, leaves with suavity]''
:''[Dedede however, was never tired, and tricked Escargoon. He then hammers his shell from behind, Escargoon screaming in shocked]''
:'''Escargoon''': Sneak attack!
:'''King Dedede''': I'm crackin' your shell open and havin' a look!
:''[Escargoon screams, his shell is about to slightly cracks]''
:'''King Dedede''': Ah-ha!
:'''Escargoon''': Huh?
:'''King Dedede''': ''[he points on Escargoon's shell]'' Hey, it's startin' to open up!
:'''Escargoon''': ''[screaming]'' It is? Everything looks okay to me?
:'''King Dedede''': I always knew you was a little bit cracked. Now you're more cracked than before! ''[laughs]''
:'''Escargoon''': You may find this amusing but I don't! ''[groans]'' I just hope I don't catch pneumonia.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At Doctor Yabui's clinic, Escargoon gets his fractured shell looked at by Doctor Yabui]''
:'''Dr. Yabui''': Oh...yes I see...my goodness.
:'''Escargoon''': Your goodness what, doc?
:'''Dr. Yabui''': Bad news. there's a fracture in your shell.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[gasps]'' Well don't just sit there, fix it!
:'''Dr. Yabui''': I'm afraid there's nothing I can do
:''[Escargoon whimpers in terror]''
:'''Dr. Yabui''': It can't be repaired.
:'''Escargoon''': You're joking!
:'''Dr. Yabui''': It might even get bigger.
:'''Escargoon''': THIS CAN'T BE!!!''[His shell cracks once more, Tiff and Tuff gasped. Whimpering in terror, he sees behind his shell cracking again, cries]'' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''PLEASE HELP ME!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Tiff''': That's tough.
:'''Tuff''': Don't get excited, Escargoon! It's only a shell.
:'''Escargoon''': Don't tell me no to get excited, kid. My whole world's falling apart!
:''[Escargoon is suddenly interrupted by Dedede shows up in the limousine to exacerbate things further]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, Yabui. No use hiding Escargoon! ''[He barges into Yabui's clinic]'' Come on out! I know you here some-place. And I'm gonna find ya. ''[He tries to open the door]'' It's me, Escargoonie-goo. Open up this here door. I'm your best pal, ain't I? I won't hurt you.
:'''Escargoon''': Go away. I can't see you now. I'm studying for a blood test.
:'''King Dedede''': I'm real worried about you, so please open up, little buddy? ''[He pulls out his mallet]'' In fact...I'll open it for you! Stand back, buddy! ''[He hits a door with a his mallet]''
:'''Escargoon''': He wants to smash my shell to pieces! ''[He barricades the door]''
:'''King Dedede''': Now ain't you gonna let me in there or ain'cha?
:'''Escargoon''': ''[grunts]'' Uh-uh! ''[His shell cracks again, then he screaming in terror]''
:'''Tiff''': Stop that! Haven't you done enough?! Don't you know Escargoon needs his shell to protect his body?!
:'''King Dedede''': Protect his body?
:'''Dr. Yabui''': That's right. Without his shell, Escargoon would be completely exposed.
:''[Tuff laughing]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey! What what that looks like...''[He imagines what Escargoon would look like without his &quot;clothes&quot; on, which is reference by [[w:The Birth of Venus|The Birth of Venus]]]'' ''Am I being disrespectful? Should I leave Escargoon alone?'' Probably but I ain't a' going to. Now show me what you hiding under that there shell!
:'''Escargoon''': I'm never showing nothing to nobody!
:'''Tiff, Tuff, and Dr. Yabui''': Nobody?
:'''Escargoon''': Why do I suddenly feel like a &lt;big&gt;'''SCIENTIST EXPERIMENT!?'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[When Dedede busts the door with his mallet]'' I'm not letting you in this door!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[He continue busting the door with his mallet for several times]'' Let me in!
:'''Escargoon''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''GO AWAY!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; Help me.
:'''King Dedede''': Here I come! ''[He smash the door down. He does so and breaks the shell completely]''
:'''Escargoon''': That did it!
:''[All exclaims, and Kirby close the Escargoon's shell]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey! You get off of that! You can't park it there!
:'''Tiff''': Stay right where you are! Now you've done it! You've split Escargoon's shell apart!
:'''Escargoon''': I never felt so violated! I lost my dignity!
:'''King Dedede''': Now you just relax whilst I have myself a little look-see here!
:'''Escargoon''': Don't let him touch me!
:'''King Dedede''': You know you're gonna have to show me sooner or later.
:'''Escargoon''': How about later? Much later.
:''[Dedede chases Escargoon around, both yelling]''
:'''King Dedede''': As your king, is it my royal right to see what you got under that shell and I ain't quit 'til I get a peek! ''[As he steps on Escargoon's tail, Escargoon screams as Kirby falls off. Escargoon grab and pull the tail offs and his so the shell falls off, but it closed again]'' Oh no!
:'''Escargoon''': Thank goodness.
:'''Kirby''': Po-yay?
:'''Tiff''': Leave Escargoon alone! Don't you think you've caused enough trouble for him already?!
:'''King Dedede''': Not really. I think I could cause a lot more trouble.
:'''Tiff''': You broke his shell in the first place, so you better find him a new one!
:'''Escargoon''': And fast!
:'''King Dedede''': Find him a new shell, huh? That's a great idea!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Sure thing, King! In fact, we have a monstrous new line of mollusc-wear that is guaranteed to bring out the beast if you know what I mean.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': With my new remote-controlled spy fly, I'll get me a real bug's eye view! ''[He uses the Grasshopper Eavesdropper to take a peek at the Escargoon in a changing-tent]''
:'''Escargoon''': How humiliating...''[He pick up with the tin-pan]'' This one looks too small, but I'll try it on anyway,
:'''King Dedede''': This is it! Yeah! Let see!!
:'''Escargoon''':  ''[Moans, but he noticed Grasshopper Eavesdropper spying on him and he screaming in shocked, smashes it with the tin-pan]'' SPY ON ME, WILL YA!?
:'''King Dedede''': It's busted! Now my undercover bug can't spy on that slug!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': So? Making like top-shell, huh? You lucky I didn't fricasse you!
:'''Escargoon''': Yeah, well you came close enough!
:'''Tiff''': Escargoon's just wearing this, while we're trying to fix up this regular shell!
:'''King Dedede''': Oh! Now I get it.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''King Dedede''': You hog! You ate my tender delicious topshell before I got to it!
:'''Escargoon''': That shell was empty when I put it on, you blowhard!
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, that reminds me!...I still ain't seen what you been hiding under that shell!
:''[Escargoon exclaims]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[laughs in evilly]'' It's too late now.
:'''King Dedede''': New shell or no new shell, I still wanna see what you hiding underneath here!
:'''Escargoon''': It's no use, but give it a shot, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': ALRIGHT!!! ''[He attempts to break it open, but to no avail]'' It's too hard.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': All that pounding is giving me a pounding headache!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maimaigoon''': This shell makes me invincible...and powerful!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maimaigoon''': ''[to Kirby as he fires his lighting beams]'' You're finished, Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': For a snail, he's pretty quick.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Hold on! I think there's another crack in that there!
:'''Escargoon''': The only thing cracked in this room is you, you wacko!
:'''King Dedede''': Just one little-itty-bitty peek?
:'''Escargoon''': You keep your paws off of me! HELP!
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon, please!?
:'''Escargoon''': Buzz off, you creep!

== [Episode 89] Tooned Out ([Episode 89] オタアニメ! 星のフームたん)==
:'''Escargoon''': Tiff can't be the hero! She's a bad guy!
:'''King Dedede''': There's only room for one hero on my show and that's me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Biggy''': She's so awesome, she deserves her own animated series.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bony''': Why don't we make her the hero?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boys''': Roses are red. Violets are blue. Here we come, Tiff. We're gonna draw you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sleepy''': We need more recordings of her voice to use in the cartoon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': You guys shouldn't stick around taking my pictures without permission.
:'''Sleepy''': She looks good she's mad.
:'''Bony''': Those lying visitor but totally fears.
:'''Biggy''': She's sure is gonna lot a fun you are.
:'''Boys''': ''[to Tiff]'' Cutie.
:'''Tiff''': ''[gasps]'' Don't call me that! Why don't you guys show a little originality and invent your own cartoon character instead of picking on me?! &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''I DON'T WANT TO BE A CARTOON STAR!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Boys''': Did you say &quot;so sorry&quot;?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Alright, boys, I'm sending you the ace of all animators. Allow me to introduce the legendary Dis Walney! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dis Walney''': Hmm, the scene needs more excitement. I need more energy, King!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Anige''': Now I'm going to delete your friend Kirby permanently!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Hey, it's morning.
:'''Tiff''': And there's still no cartoon.
:''[Dedede and Escargoon exclaiming in shocked]''
:'''King Dedede''': If we don't put a cartoon on I'll be flat broke!
:'''Escargoon''': But sire, there's only 5 minutes left to go!
:'''King Dedede''': Whoever said &quot;the show must go on&quot; didn't know us!
:''[Dedede and Escargoon hugged as they crying and Tuff laughs]''
:'''Tiff''': Too bad those professional animators couldn't help you.
:'''Both''': ''[stopped crying]'' Huh? What'd you say?
:'''King Dedede''': So, let's go!
:'''Escargoon''': There's still hope.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Well, guys?
:'''Sleepy''': It wasn't easy, dude, but we did it.
:'''Biggy''': We had to draw it really fast.
:'''Bony''': But it's way cool!
:'''King Dedede''': Who cares? It's done!
:'''Escargoon''': 10 seconds left!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': That doesn't look like you, sire.
:'''King Dedede''': There's something about that girly are looked saw that familiar!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Is that airhead really supposed to be me?!
:'''Biggy''': Yeah. Except, she's not short like you.
:'''Tiff''': Yeah, I'm short alright. ''(furious growl)'' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''AND SO'S MY TEMPER!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

== [Episode 90] Born to Be Mild - Part I ([Episode 90] 爆走! デデデス・レース (前編))==
:'''Rip''': The name's Rip. Sorry to wake ya, officer!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Both coughing]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, what's the idea sticking up the hand here!?
:'''Escargoon''': Yeah, who do you think you are? King Dedede?
:'''King Dedede''': You're in big trouble!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': That biker gang could strike again at any time! We've got to have a plan to defend ourselves!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': We're not gonna let you mess up Cappy Town!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Turbo''': My name's Turbo. Allow me to introduce our fearless leader: Fang!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fang''': First we gotta find a dude named Steppenwolf, but then we'll take care of Kirby for ya.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gus''': One of them bikers is an old friend of mine. You see, I used to belong to a motorcycle gang.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''NME Sales Guy''': Now hold up, Highness. Have you considered beating them with a track attack... by having a race? Of course, you'll need a place to race! That's expensive, but Nightmare Enterprises could be the sponsor!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': We gonna have a big race at the brand spankin' new DDD Speedway!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': It looks like Fang's racing circles around Kirby and the rest of the Cappy crew! Can the friends defeat the gang without Gus? Find out next time, on ''Kirby: Right Back at Ya!''

== [Episode 91] Born to Be Mild - Part II ([Episode 91] 爆走! デデデス・レース (後編))==
:'''Fang''': Just wait, Kirby. I'll finish you off later! Right now, I wanna make sure I win this race.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Melman''': You caused a lot of trouble when you were younger, but this is your chance to make up for it. Take that chance while you still can!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': That punk jockey ain't got a chance of beatin' Fang now!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': That grease monkey must've got out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Listen! According to this chemical analysis, the fuel in Fang's motorcycle couldn't have come from this planet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': What a surprise! It looks like our bad boy biker has been de-fanged by a rough-riding old-timer with a need for speed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Melman''': You can say all you want, Tiff. The important thing is that Fang is gone. Ooh, am I gonna be sore tonight...

== [Episode 92] Hunger Struck ([Episode 92] ワドルディの食文化大革命)==
:'''Escargoon''': Sire! Sire! You won't believe with those Waddle Dees! I just left him in the dining hall!
:'''King Dedede''': Good, don't bring him in here cause it might kill my appetite.
:'''Escargoon''': While you slurp that slot the Waddles Dees are having the feast. It's a gourmet meal with four different courses fit for a king.
:''[Dedede becomes enraged and he throw the cup of ramen noodles to Escargoon's face]''
:'''King Dedede''': If it's fit for a king, how come I ain't gettin' any?! Grrr!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[A Waddle Dee Eats A Cookie]''
:'''King Dedede''': No Way!
:'''Escargoon''': It adsorbed the cookie!
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, how'd it do that? It's munchin' alright...
:'''Escargoon''': Wonder how it flosses...
:'''King Dedede''': That's weird.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waddle Doo''': ''[to the Waddle Dees]'' The king's so stingy he put us on a starvation diet! Now our stomachs cry out for vengeance!
:''[cut to King Dedede and Escargoon being chased by angry Waddle Dees]''
:'''King Dedede''': We in trouble! My own guards is out to get me!
:'''Escargoon''': I've heard of hunger strikes before, but this is ridiculous!

== [Episode 93] D'Preciation Day ([Episode 93] カービィ感謝の日!) ==
:'''Tiff''': I know Dedede can be mean and nasty and selfish, but deep down, he really just wants to be loved. If we gave him a present, maybe he'd feel loved, and change his ways.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': I think you'd be a much better candidate for something like &quot;Take Your Tyrant to Lunch Day!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Nobody 'round here appreciates me, so I'm gonna start up a brand new tradition in Dream Land! There gonna be no more appreciation days. From now on, we only celebrating Dis Days!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waddle Doo''': Sorry, Kawasaki! King's orders!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Looks like Tiff's trying to disrupt Dis Day.
:'''King Dedede''': Just wait 'til she finds out who we dissin' next.
:''[Dedede and Escargoon break out laughing]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': 10. 9. 8.
:'''Escargoon''': 7. 6. 5. 4. 3.
:'''Tiff''': Spit it out, Kirby!
:'''King Dedede''': Here...
:'''Escargoon''': We...
:'''Both''': GO!!!
:''[Kirby's face becomes red and glows, and he then starts to spit gray smoke from his mouth, at such a force and speed that he is sent flying up in the air while spitting out more smoke]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Dedede's gone too far this time!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': I think he's rotten no matter how deep down you go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waddle Doo''': A message for you, Sire!
:'''King Dedede''': Who's it from?
:'''Escargoon''': It's from Tiff. She's inviting us to Kirby's memorial service.
:'''King Dedede''': His what?
:'''Escargoon''': I regret to inform you that Kirby is gone. We're gathering to bid farewell to him this afternoon. Please join us to pay your last respects.
:''[Both exclaims]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[King Dedede and Escargoon crying about Kirby's funeral]''
:'''King Dedede''': It's all our fault!
:'''Escargoon''': Forgive us, Kirby! That prank was His Majesty's idea, but I was the one who came up with the time bomb part! For once I wish I wasn't so brilliant!
:'''King Dedede''': Now I wish you weren't dumb as me!
:'''Escargoon''': How did that work possible? 
:'''King Dedede''': I never would have played that prank If I don't know this was gonna happen. I wish I could take it all back!
:'''Tiff''': Unfortunately, it's too late.
:'''King Dedede''': But there's got to be something I can do.
:'''Tiff''': You can't do start by promising not to play any more practical jokes on your subjects!
:'''King Dedede''': I PROMISE!! ''[crying]'' Here, Kirby. This one ain't got no time bomb.
:'''Tiff''': I'm sure he'd like that a lot.
:'''King Dedede''': I MISS YOU KIRBY OL' BUDDY! ''[cries]''
:'''Tiff''': I think Dedede is really sorry.
:'''Mayor Len''': I agree.
:'''Tuff''': Looks like he learned his lesson.
:''[Kirby hops out of the grave in order to eat the watermelon left for him. Dedede and Escargoon screams]''
:'''King Dedede''': He even got a hungry ghost!
:'''Tiff''': Oh, Kirby.
:''[Tuff groans]''
:'''Escargoon''': Kirby's not a ghost. The runt's still alive! A-ha! You were all playing a trick on His Majesty, weren't ya?
:'''King Dedede''': ''[whimpers as he cries]'' I'M GLAD HE'S OKAY!!!
:'''Escargoon''': You are?
:'''King Dedede''': It was dull bein' ruler of Dream Land before you came along. I need me an enemy!
:'''Tuff''': The king really has changed. 
:'''Tiff''': In his own twisted way he cares about Kirby.
:'''King Dedede''': Kirby...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waddle Doo''': The card says: This is Chuckie. Made especially for Kirby by Nightmare Enterprises.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Every day's Kirby appreciation day.
:'''Waddle Doo''': You've got a card, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': Huh? Somebody appreciates me too.
:'''Escargoon''': Here. Let's see. It's a bill from Nightmare Enterprises. They want 9 million D-Bills for that monster.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[whimpers as he cries]'' THERE ONLY APPRECIATED MY MONEY!!

== [Episode 94] The Thing About the Ring ([Episode 17] パームとメームの指輪物語) ==
:'''Tiff''': ''(to Sir Ebrum)'' How come you always act so weird on your anniversary? I don't get it. It's the same thing every time.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': There you are, my twinkling little treasures. I bet none of you's made of glass. Little does King Greedede know I've been collecting you glittery goo-gahs for years!

== [Episode 95] A Dental Dilemma ([Episode 32] 歯なしにならないハナシ)==
:'''Tiff''': Oh, please. I've had toothaches funnier than King Dedede.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': That's easy for him to say. PLEASE DON'T PULL MY TEETH OUT, DOCTOR!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': That maniac drilled so deep, I thought he was gonna strike oil.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': You could get cavities too, you know.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughs]'' My choppers is way too powerful to get conquered by cavities.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lady Like''': Tuff. I want you to brush your teeth before you go to bed tonight. You too, Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': But, Sire, you have to get that tooth filled.
:'''Dedede''': Ain't no way you gonna drag me there! I'd rather dive head-first into the Booma-Dooma Volcano!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Doctor Yabui won't hurt you, Sire.
:'''Dedede''': He had you shrieking like a smoke detector!

== [Episode 96] Cowardly Creature ([Episode 94] 脱走魔獣ファンファン) ==
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I can assure you we're not responsible, Triple-D. The escapee was part of our &quot;Young Monsters of the Future&quot; program. The training facility is secure, but it looks like somebody found a way to break into our computer system and sent one of our horrible hopefuls free.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I'm me, alrighty! I think it's about time to extra-cise my kingly duties and protect my subjects!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': In fact, I can assure you that the King is totally irresponsible!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': That poor thing's afraid! We have to do something!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Sire, what if he turns into Hammer Kirby?!
:'''King Dedede''': Now don't do nothin' rash! We yer friends, Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Whoa! That monster must be huge!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': I wish I knew why Phan Phan's so frightened all the time. I've never seen a monster act like this before.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Whippy''': Hitti hitti!

== [Episode 97] Frog Wild ([Episode 95] デビル・カービィ!)==
:'''Hana''': I don't know what's gotten into Kirby, but something has.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prof. Curio''': ''[crying]'' Oh no... how could you? My relics are just a pile of rubble now. Why did he come in here and smash them all? Why, Kirby?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuggle''': ''[crying]'' I'm always nice to Kirby! Why would he wanna do 'dis?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mabel''': What is wrong, Kirby? You do not seem to be your perky-pink self today.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': There has to be a misunderstanding. Kirby's a Star Warrior, not a juvenile delinquent!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': He done WHAT?!
:'''Escargoon''': Kirby's smashing up Cappy Town like a pink wrecking ball!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughs]'' He sees it's more fun to be a heel than a hero! But there's only room for one mischief-maker in this kingdom, and that's me!
:'''Escargoon''': Well now the Cappies are more scared of Kirby than they are you, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': Say what?
:'''Escargoon''': Maybe they're just afraid of Kirby because he's a dynamic-demonic ball of fire, and you're just a big bellied out of shape ball of blubber! ''[gets hit it with Dedede's mallet]''
:'''King Dedede''': Now you're out of shape. I'm checking this out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Oh, hello, Kirby. Come on in. I got some leftover turkey jerky hash if you want... Where you goin'? You don't have to have the hash. I can cook anything you want me to. Ah! You just name it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': He does look kind of scary.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[laughs]'' Who knew a half pint could be so horrifying?
:'''King Dedede''': I ain't gonna let that pipsqueak out leave me! ''[He jumps out of limousine]''
:'''Escargoon''': Wait, what are you gonna do!?
:'''King Dedede''': I'm gonna prove I'm more troublesome than Kirby is! 
:'''Escargoon''': Sire, I was only kidding!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[He enters in Kawasaki's restaurant]'' Hey you there, gumball!
:''[Kirby's evil state up-close for himself and Dedede gasped]''
:'''Escargoon''': You're much worse than Kirby. 
:''[Kirby's evil state up-close for himself, Escargoon screams and hides behind Dedede]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Forget it, Kirby ain't no threat to you Cappies. Why he's as harmless as a horse-fly!
:'''Tiff''': Yeah, anyone who knows Kirby knows that he wants to help us, not hurt us.
:'''King Dedede''': It's true. Why that goody-goody ain't got a bad bone in his body.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': ''[After Demon Kirby set the fire on Kawasaki's restaurant]'' Why, Kirby!? Why!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief Bookem''': He destroyed headquarters...
:''[King Dedede's limousine explodes within Chief Bookem's police station]''
:'''King Dedede''': There goes my limo!
:'''Escargoon''': Thanks, Kirby.
:'''King Dedede''': Now what am I gonna drive?
:'''Chief Bookem''': They're wiped out.
:''[All the cappies talking at once]''
:'''Tuff''': I can't believe this.
:'''Tokkori''': I always knew Kirby was trouble, but this takes the cake. That boy's gone ballistic!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief Bookem''': Attention all Cappies! Stay inside your homes! Keep your doors locked, and your windows shut! Kirby's on the loose!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At night, Dedede's castle]''
:'''King Dedede''': ''[offscreen]'' I ain't gonna let Kirby show me up.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': This is a surprise, D-Meister. Why the late night call?
:'''King Dedede''': Tell me who's the baddest bad guy in Dreamland?!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Is that a trick question?
:'''King Dedede''': You're supposed to say it's me!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I'd agree with that.
:'''King Dedede''': Well then Cappies thinks it's Kirby!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': No, how come? ''[As Dedede growls]''
:'''King Dedede''': '''HE SMASHED UP CAPPY TOWN!!'''
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': But Kirby's a good guy.
:'''Escargoon''': He's tearing through this kingdom on a debris spree!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''[laughs]'' Sounds to me like Kirby found your Demon Frog.
:'''King Dedede''': My Demon Frog?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Don't you recall the monster you ordered a couple months back? ''[imitates frog noises]''
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah. Now I remember that frog.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Majesty, that frog is a hoppin' horror show!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': If the Demon Frog really is inside Kirby, then there's no way he can be held responsible for attacking Cappy Town, because it was really the Demon Frog forcing him to do it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': We must find a way to make that Demon Frog leave Kirby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waddle Doo''': Sire! Emergency! Kirby's attacking the castle!
:'''King Dedede''': He is?! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Kirby! I told you to knock it off!
:''[Demon Kirby is still beating up Dedede and the Waddle Dees]''
:'''Tiff''': '''FOR THE LAST TIME! STOP, KIRBY!!!!'''
:''[The Demon Frog momentarily loses control of Kirby]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[after letting the Demon Frog after he transforms himself into Demon Dedede]'' You puny peewees better be scared, 'cause I'm the baddest dude on the whole planet!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': YOU BETTER LEAVE KIRBY ALONE!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': You should teach those two a lesson.
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, they're always scheming against you!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''Tiff''': It's time to give them both a taste of their own medicine!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''King Dedede''': Step away, Escargoon! ''[He kicks Escargoon on a ground and he run away]''
:'''Escargoon''': Wait, Sire! I'm a coward too!

== [Episode 98] Cappy Town Down ([Episode 98] 発進! 戦艦ハルバード) ==
:''[Kirby and friends arrive to find Cappy Town a smoldering wreck and thousands of Cappies homeless]''
:'''Tiff''': Oh, Tuff... This is terrible. The whole place was destroyed when that spaceship attacked. There's no Cappy Town left.
:'''Tuff''': I don't believe it.
:'''Tokkori''': Folks are sayin' this is your fault.
:''[Kirby lowers his head and lets out a sad Poyo. The Cappies turn to Kirby to try to take out their grief on him]''
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': When your ship crashed, we welcomed you to Cappy Town and now we're paying for it, Kirby.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Yeah. We lost everything because of you!
:'''Tuggle''': It was a mistake to let you live here.
:'''Buttercup''': Maybe it's time for you to move on.
:'''Gengu''': Yeah, this is all your fault, Kirby!
:''[Kirby lets out another sad Poyo, only for his friends to step in and defend him]''
:'''Tiff''': This isn't Kirby's fault. It's Dedede's fault!
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, what about all the times Kirby came to our rescue?
:'''Chief Bookem''': He sure didn't save us this time.
:'''Hana''': That's why we don't have a place to live anymore.
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': Cappy Town is in ruins.
:'''Melman''': There's not a mailbox left in the whole town.
:'''Samo''': It's a fine mess Kirby's got us in.
:'''Tiff''': Well this isn't gonna solve anything.
:'''Tuff''': Yeah! Now's the time to work together!
:''[The Cappies are questioning in a confused state while Tiff growls. Then she proudly grunts]''
:'''Tiff''': Come on! We can't give up now! Remember, we've been through tough times before. We'll pull through this one too!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo!
:'''Chief Bookem''': We just don't know what we should do, Tiff.
:'''Tiff''': Meta Knight will tell us. He wants to meet with all of us up in the castle.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': It's a phone.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': That isn't just an ordinary phone, Your Majesty. ''[Dedede's phone starts ringing with a familiar-sounding ringtone, and Dedede opens his phone to find Kirby and another familiar-sounding ringtone, this one being a remix of the theme song]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, what's that pink stinker doing in there?!
:'''Escargoon''': And what's with that annoying music?!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''(laughs)'' Nobody would ever suspect that you'd use a Kirby phone to call Nightmare Enterprises.
:'''King Dedede''': Great idea!
:'''Escargoon''': I wouldn't be surprised if we even get stuck with a phone bill.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[about the Halberd]'' Hey, what is that damn thing?
:'''Escargoon''': Sire, how am I supposed to know? But whatever it is, I think our friend at Nightmare Enterprises would be very interested in it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': The coming battle may well determine the fate of the galaxy.
:'''Tiff''': We can't give up without a fight.
:'''King Dedede''': Meta Knight, you's a dirty double-crosser! You've got some nerve building this here battleship in my basement!
:'''Escargoon''': And what's with this &quot;fate of the galaxy&quot; mumbo jumbo? You got that helmet on too tight?
:'''Meta Knight''': You still have a chance to join forces with us before it is too late.
:'''King Dedede''': Lemme see inside of that ship first.
:''(the door to the inside of the Halberd opens)''
:'''Meta Knight''': Follow me. I will take you to the bridge.
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah, I'd like to push you off one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': This is catastrophic.
:'''Samo''': How can we survive, Meta Knight?
:'''Prof. Curio''': Maybe we should just get rid of Kirby.
:'''Meta Knight''': Listen to me. eNeMeE is not just after Kirby. He will not stop until he controls the entire universe! We must all try to stop him!
:'''Tiff''': That's what this battleship's for, right?
:'''Tuff''': We can battle eNeMeE from inside here.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''Mabel''': This sounds crazy.
:'''Meta Knight''': The odds are against us, but you must decide now! I need a crew. Will you stand up and fight with me?
:''[the Cappies recoil in fear]''
:'''Samo''': You want us to fight?!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I'm a chef, not a soldier!
:'''Meta Knight''': I cannot fly this ship alone. Are there no brave volunteers? Chief Bookem!
:'''Chief Bookem''': Ah, I'd like to help, but I'm a lawman, not an airman.
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': I'm too old to volunteer.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I think I left my oven on!
:'''Mabel''': My crystal ball needs polishing!
:'''Gus''': Gotta go pump some gas!
:'''Prof. Curio''': Good luck, Meta Knight!
:''[the Cappies run out of the Halberd in terror]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Hey there, D. What's shakin'?
:'''King Dedede''': ME! You just blowed up my monster transmitter!
:'''Escargoon''': And you nearly got us, too!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Kirby doesn't stand a chance without help.
:''[the Cappies turn around and notice Kit Cosmos]''
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Well what're you waitin' for? We can't let a Star Warrior battle alone!
:'''Samo''': Who is he?
:'''Mabel''': I don't know, but he could use a shave.
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Sergeant Kit Cosmos! I served with Meta Knight and the Star Warrior force and I'm reportin' for duty.
:'''Iro''': Tiff told us about you.
:'''Honey''': He's a big hero.
:'''Spikehead''': You live on that island.
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Kirby and his squad found me there, and when they went home, I chose to stay. But now I've come to help Kirby take on eNeMeE. All right then, who's ready to fight alongside me?
:'''Samo''': He certainly is a tough cookie.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Yeah. Even tougher than my cookies.
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Will you stand alongside me, or are you a cowering coward?
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': We can't fight, Sergeant.
:'''Prof. Curio''': We're not soldiers.
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Not soldiers? Is that a reason for you to stand there and do nothin'?! Kirby's riskin' his life to save your planet, and it's your duty to help him!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Look who's here.
:'''Tiff''': Sergeant Cosmos!
:'''Kit Cosmos''': I'd never miss a fight if I can help it. ''[Meta Knight steps out to greet him]'' Meta Knight sir!
:'''Meta Knight''': What brings you here?
:'''Kit Cosmos''': I may be a soldier who's over the hill, but I'm proud to serve one last time, if you'll have me.
:'''Meta Knight''': I will.
:'''Kit Cosmos''': It'll be an honor, sir.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I can mess up the mess hall, so count me in too!
:'''Dr. Yabui''': You'll need a medic.
:'''Gus''': And I've got the muscle to tune this baby up for ya!
:'''Tiff''': Thanks, guys! But not all of us can go.
:'''Tuff''': Yeah. Somebody's gotta stay behind to start rebuilding Cappy Town.
:'''Prof. Curio''': Hmmm. We never thought of that, did we?
:'''Gengu''': Yeah, I guess you're... ''[the area around them shakes again]''
:'''Sword Knight''': All volunteers on board.
:'''Blade Knight''': ''*mumbling*'' Help Kirby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Hey, sire. What were you supposed to do again?
:'''King Dedede''': I was supposed to plant this here time bomb on the ship.
:'''Escargoon''': We weren't supposed to be on the ship, were we?
:'''King Dedede''': Aaah! Get me outta here!

== [Episode 99] Combat Kirby ([Episode 99] 撃滅! ナイトメア大要塞) ==
:'''Sword Knight''': Don't worry. She'll be fine. This ship's made to move at hyper speeds.
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, but none of us are.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': Some wormhole. I don't see no worms nowhere.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Our sensors go to have picked up some sort of battleship coming out of a wormhole one light year away. It appears that Kirby and Meta Knight have decided to attack us with their puny little battle barge.
:'''Nightmare''': They are growing desperate. They'll realize I have them beaten. I was hoping they'd be foolish enough to attack, so I've prepared a surprise for them.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': The capsule's set, sir. I'll send it on its way. ''[sends out a capsule containing Heavy Lobster]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Cooking this space food is as easy as boiling water!
:'''Samo''': This is the first time I ever enjoyed Kawasaki's cooking.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Can I boil you some dessert?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Yabui''': Rather dull up here. When I don't have any patients to see, I get rather impatient.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Isn't there any place we can go to get away from you two?
:'''Tiff''': I should've guessed you'd try and stow away.
:'''Escargoon''': We have a right to be here, sister!
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah, this ship was built on my property.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': What are you doing here?!
:'''King Dedede''': I'm comin' along to give you all a helping hand! I'm sick and tired of eNeMeE sending me all them defective monsters!
:'''Escargoon''': What else can we say? We're disgruntled.
:'''King Dedede''': I'm gonna show them crooked creepos that they've done ripped off this here king for the last time!
:'''Tiff''': Well we don't believe a word you say!
:'''Meta Knight''': Do your duty, Chief.
:'''Chief Bookem''': I'm lockin' you up as non-combatant detainees.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': You think he was trying to tell me something.
:'''Escargoon''': He did sound awfully final.
:''[King Dedede and Escargoon screaming in shocked. And they hugged in panicking]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': I think we got ourselves a monster!
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, there must be some mistake. I didn't order no monster from ya!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': We sent this monster to you for free, Your Majesty.
:'''King Dedede''': Well I don't want no favors from ya, so just take it all back, ya hear?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': You ain't nothing but a cheap chizzlin' cheater and now we gonna settle the score with ya.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Can't we just talk this over?
:'''King Dedede''': It's too late! We just found your space fortress and now we gonna make a sneak attack!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Thanks for the tip off, Big D. ''[to the other members of N.M.E.]'' Prepare for attack. Launch all Destraya ships immediately! ''[signs out]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, that chump just hung up on me!
:'''Tiff''': You're the one who's the chump!
:'''Tuff''': Thanks to you, they know our whole plan now.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[he and Dedede are shocked by what Tiff &amp; Tuff just said]'' That sales guy just tricked you again, sire.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Laughs]'' Least I don't have to pay that phone bill.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gus''': They got thousands of those flyin' hub-cabs!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Maybe we should go back while there's still time.
:'''Chief Bookem''': I agree. There's no way we can win this.
:'''Meta Knight''': We will not retreat. We must enter the fortress and fight to the finish!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[three Destraya ships suddenly attack the other Destraya ships to everybody's amazement]''
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': What's going on? They're fighting each other.
:'''Tuff''': And they're not attackin' us.
:'''Tiff''': What's eNeMeE up to now?
:'''Meta Knight''': We are not fighting this battle alone.
:'''Knuckle Joe''': ''[turns on his screen to contact the Halberd crew]'' Hey, how's it going, gang?
:'''Tiff''': Knuckle Joe!
:'''Knuckle Joe''': I took over a Destraya and was hoping you'd let me join your party.
:'''Sirica''': ''[her screen comes on as well]'' Do you remember me? I came along to help, too.
:'''Tiff''': Hey, that's Sirica!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo!
:'''Sirica''': Knuckle Joe and I have become friends now and we're teaming up to help you defeat eNeMeE.
:'''Sir Arthur''': ''[his and his knights' screen comes on as well]'' And we will be joining the battle as well.
:'''Meta Knight''': Arthur, and the rest of the Star Warriors!
:'''Sir Arthur''': We were able to raid the fortress and commandeer some Destraya ships. We will clear the way for you to enter the fortress so you and Kirby can challenge eNeMeE.
:'''Meta Knight''': It'll be an honor.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''Knuckle Joe''': But right now, just sit back and let us handle that fleet.
:'''Sirica''': Now onto victory!
:'''Sir Arthur''': Full speed ahead!
:''[the three Destrayas that Knuckle Joe, Sirica, Sir Arthur and his knights stole destroy the other Destrayas]''
:'''Tiff''': They destroyed the enemy ships!
:'''Meta Knight''': Yes! Now we can enter the fortress. Set sail for liftoff! ''[the Halberd blasts its way past more Destrayas and successfully enters the entrance to Nightmare's fortress]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief Bookem''': It's awful quiet.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I wonder why nobody's attacking us.
:'''Tuff''': Maybe they've given up.
:'''Sword Knight''': Detecting something big, closing fast.
:'''Tiff''': Look there!
:'''Kirby''': Pooo...
:''[Nightmare, finally stepping out of the shadows after 98 episodes, makes himself known to the Halberd crew through a giant projection of himself]''
:'''Meta Knight''': eNeMeE...
:'''Nightmare''': Heh. It was a mistake to come here, Kirby. As you can see, you and your puny band of Star Warriors pose no threat to me. Challenging me is the last mistake you will ever make!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo!
:''[Nightmare laughs evilly]''
:'''Meta Knight''': Follow him.

== [Episode 100] Fright to the Finish ([Episode 100] 飛べ! 星のカービィ) ==
:'''Tiff''': Meta Knight, those blasts went right through him.
:'''Meta Knight''': He has led us into a trap!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': I guess Kirby's gonna beat us once and for all, Sire.
:''[Dedede's cell phone starts ringing]''
:'''King Dedede''': What's that sound?
:'''Escargoon''': Your phone. ''[Dedede pulls out his phone and struggles to catch it]'' Ugh, that music's annoying. I wish you'd put it on vibrate. ''[Dedede catches his phone]''
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Hey there! Are you ready to surrender yet, Your Majesty?
:'''Escargoon''': You bet we are.
:'''King Dedede''': I ain't never gonna wave no white flag!
:'''Escargoon''': Forget His Highness. Can you at least save me?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': If you'd like to negotiate, you'll have to speak with my boss. ''[reveals Nightmare, who hypnotizes both Dedede and Escargoon]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sword Knight''': ''[using King Dedede's cell phone that he dropped to track the signal]'' The signal's coming from up there.
:'''Gus''': Must be the command center.
:'''Dr. Yabui''': That's where they control the fortress.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Hey, let's set up a blast up there and wreck the place. That'll stop eNeMeE!
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, but who can do it?
:'''Tokkori''': It's your idea, so you oughtta go.
:''[Chef Kawasaki gasps]''
:'''Kit Cosmos''': ''[laughs heartily]'' Don't worry. I'm comin' along to provide backup support.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I wish I never cooked up this idea.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Thanks for the special delivery.
:'''King Dedede''': I know that voice. You're the sales dude!
:'''Escargoon''': We've never actually seen you in person before.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Well you're in for a little surprise. ''[turns his chair around, and, to the surprise of Tiff, Dedede, and Escargoon, reveals that he has stubby feet similar to other Kirby characters and is only about as tall as Escargoon]''
:'''King Dedede''': You look a lot taller on the TV screen.
:'''Escargoon''': You're almost as shrimpy as Kirby.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Hohohohoho! I may be shrimpy, but I'm a whale of a salesman. And now, we'll take the kid. ''[Nightmare grabs Tiff]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nightmare''': It's too late, child. Kirby is about to face his worst nightmare...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''[evilly laughs]'' Kirby's falling right into our trap, thanks to you.
:'''King Dedede''': Hold it! We've got a problem here.
:'''Escargoon''': We could use some refreshments.
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah. How about showing us some grinditude with some grub?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I'm afraid I can't help you fellas. There's no kitchen in the command center.
:'''Escargoon''': We'll call Kawasaki!
:'''King Dedede''': Oooh! ''[laughs and grabs the microphone]'' Yo, Kawasaki! Whip me up a little something and rush it to me right away!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Here you go, sire! Liver and spinach surprise.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': How'd he get in here!?
:'''King Dedede''': Oh boy! Home cooking! ''(sits down to eat Kawasaki's cooking and enjoys it)'' Mmm. This here dish is delish! Go on. Have a bite.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': No thanks, I'm not...
:'''King Dedede''': ''[shoves the liver into the N.M.E. Sales Guy's mouth]'' You're gonna love it! ''[laughs]''
:'''Escargoon''': ''[as the N.M.E. Sales Guy turns around, unable to handle the taste of Kawasaki's cooking]'' Bet ya never tasted anything like that!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nightmare''': This is checkmate, Kirby. The game is up!
:'''Tiff''': You brought Kirby here because this is where you make nightmares! But he's not afraid of you and your tricks.
:'''Nightmare''': We shall see about that! Before this match is over, you will both learn the force of my power. ''[evilly laughs]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': We can use the monster delivery system here to deliver us home.
:'''Tokkori''': You don't seriously expect us to use that contraption, do ya?
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Hm. It's worth a try.
:'''Meta Knight''': But it is close to the place where you planted that bomb.
:''[the rest of the crew gasp]''
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': We have to go back?
:'''Meta Knight''': Yes, and we do not have a moment to lose!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nightmare''': He has used up all of his energy. Kirby is now completely helpless. I can crush him with little effort... But first, some fun! I shall enter Kirby's sleep and give him a nightmare, and you can join him. This dream will be a real scream!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nightmare''': ''[screams in terror as Kirby surrounds him with a barrage of stars from the Star Rod]'' No! How did Kirby discover the secret? That pitiful little Star Warrior has found my only weakness. I am helpless against the power of the Star Rod!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': eNeMeE is really a living nightmare, so the only place you could beat him was inside a dream. Good work, Kirby! You are the only Star Warrior who gets the secret of the Star Rod and can use it against eNeMeE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[About Tuff, Meta Knight, and the Cappies]'' We better go look for the others now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Hi, everybody!
:'''Tuff''': Hey, Tiff!
:'''Tiff''': Kirby battled eNeMeE and he beat him!
:''[everyone cheers now that they've heard the good news]''
:'''Tiff''': Where are you guys going?
:'''Tuff''': The Halberd was blown away. We have to escape before our bomb goes off!
:''[Tiff and Kirby gasp upon hearing Tuff's own fair share of news]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughs]'' That liver sure made you shiver!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''[brushing his teeth to get the taste of Kawasaki's cooking out of his mouth]'' I was completely disgusted!
:'''Escargoon''': Now you know how we feel about you!
:''[both laugh until they are suddenly interrupted by the Halberd's crew barging into the command center]''
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': There's the monster delivery system!
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, what's goin' on?!
:'''Chief Bookem''': Kirby beat eNeMeE and now we're gonna destroy this place!
:'''King Dedede''': No way!
:''[the N.M.E. Sales Guy gasps in shock and terror after having heard what Chief Bookem just said and makes a run for it]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sir Arthur''': Kirby and his crew have actually done it.
:'''Knuckle Joe''': I hope they had time to...get away.
:'''Sirica''': Good luck, my friends.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Last line, series finale; the sun rises over the horizon and the people look on at the fully-rebuilt Cappy Town happily]''
:'''Mayor Len''': Cappy Town's as beautiful as ever.
:'''Mabel''': It was hard work, but we rebuilt it together.
:'''Tiff''': Everything's back to normal.
:'''Escargoon''': Except for the castle...''[he and King Dedede look at the still-damaged Castle Dedede]'' It's still a wreck.
:'''King Dedede''': And I ain't even got me a way to order me no more monsters.
:'''Meta Knight''': ''[holds Dedede's cell phone out]'' What about this?
:'''King Dedede''': Ah! Gimme!
:''[King Dedede turns his cell phone on only to find its monitor all fuzzed out due to the destruction of Nightmare's fortress and the command center that was inside it, and he and Escargoon sigh in sadness. Tiff, Tuff, &amp; Kirby laugh at the two and then look back at Cappy Town]''
:'''Tiff''': And so Kirby saved the galaxy and proved himself to be the greatest Star Warrior of all... and life in Dream Land went back to normal. But I suppose that with Kirby around, life will always be an adventure. Isn't that right, Kirby?
:'''Kirby''': Puuu... Poyo!

== English Voice Cast ==
:[[w:Makiko Ohmoto|Makiko Ohmoto]] (Japanese voice kept) – Kirby and Kirbysaurus (Ep 76)
:[[w:Kerry Williams|Kerry Williams]] – Tiff and Tiffasaurus (Ep 76)
:[[w:Kayzie Rogers|Kayzie Rogers]] – Tuff, Lady Like, Hana, Honey, and Tuffadactyl (Ep 76)
:[[w:Ted Lewis|Ted Lewis]] – King Dedede, Escargoon, Escargoon's Mother, Amon, D-Rex (Ep 75-76), Escarsaurus (Ep 76), Escar-Droid, Rekketsu (Ep 83), Crowmon (Ep 87), and Maimaigoon (Ep 88)
:[[w:Eric Stuart|Eric Stuart]] – Meta Knight, Gus, Sword Knight, Blade Knight, Coo, Slice n' Splice, and Yamikage
:[[w:Andrew Rannells|Andrew Rannells]] – Chief Bookem (75–100), Nightmare, Rick, Benikage, Max Flexer, and Bookemsaurus (Ep 76)
:[[w:Maddie Blaustein|Maddie Blaustein]] – Chef Kawasaki, Gengu, Tuggle, Biblio, Waddle Doo, Mr. Curio, Melman, Hardy, Kawasakisaurus (Ep 76), and Bonkers
:[[w:Mike Pollock|Mike Pollock]] – Mayor Len, Samo, Kit Cosmos, Chef Shittake, Lensaurus (Ep 76) and Samosaurus (Ep 76)
:[[w:Amy Birnbaum|Amy Birnbaum]] – Kirby (speaking parts in early episodes), Spikehead and Mabel
:[[w:David Lapkin|David Lapkin]] – Sir Ebrum, Dr. Yabui, Mr. Chip (Ep 83), and Dis Walney (Ep 89)
:[[w:Veronica Taylor|Veronica Taylor]] – Rowlin and Sirica
:[[w:Darren Dunstan|Darren Dunstan]] – Kine and Dr. Moro
:[[w:Jerry Lobozzo|Jerry Lobozzo]] – Chief Bookem (1–75)
:[[w:Tara Jayne|Tara Jayne]] – Fololo, Falala, Princess Rona, and Commander Vee
:[[w:Dan Green|Dan Green]] – NME Salesman and Whispy Woods
:[[w:Kevin Kolack|Kevin Kolack]] – Tokkori, Knuckle Joe
:[[w:Jim Napolitano|Jim Napolitano]] – Kabu and Iro
:[[w:James Carter Cathcart|James Carter Cathcart]] – Sir Gallant
:[[w:Lisa Ortiz|Lisa Ortiz]] – Buttercup, Mabel, and Lovely

== Japanese Voice Cast ==

{{Wikipedia}}
:[[w:Makiko Ohmoto|Makiko Ohmoto]] – Kirby, Hohhe, and Rick
:[[w:Sayuri Yoshida|Sayuri Yoshida]] – Fumu
:[[w:Rika Komatsu|Rika Komatsu]] – Bun 
:[[w:Kenichi Ogata (voice actor)|Kenichi Ogata]] – King Dedede
:[[w:Naoki Tatsuta|Naoki Tatsuta]] – Escargon
:[[w:Atsushi Kisaichi|Atsushi Kisaichi]] – Sir Meta Knight and Chief Borun
:[[w:Yuko Mizutani|Yuko Mizutani]] – Memu, Mabel, Waddle Doo, Lovely, Mini-Galbo, Walky, Phan-Phan, and Devil Frog
:[[w:Takashi Nagasako|Takashi Nagasako]] – Parm, Mayor Len, Professor Curio, and Beat 
:[[w:Chiro Kanzaki|Chiro Kanzaki]] – Lololo, Blade Knight, Kana, Iroo and Coo
:[[w:Madoka Akita|Madoka Akita]] – Lalala, Sato, Honey, Iroo's Mother, Princess Rona, Scarfy, and The Twin Nuts
:[[w:Osamu Hosoi|Osamu Hosoi]] – Gus, Whispy Woods, and Kittari Hattari
:[[w:Banjo Ginga|Banjo Ginga]] – Customer Service and Nightmare
:[[w:Fujiko Takimoto|Fujiko Takimoto]] – Tokkori and Honey's Mother 
:[[w:Hiroshi Naka|Hiroshi Naka]] – Dakonyo and Dr. Moro
:[[w:Isshin Chiba|Isshin Chiba]] – Yamikage and Monsieur Goan
:[[w:Kazunori Sekine|Kazunori Sekine]] – Dr. Yabui and Bibli
:[[w:Mizuki Saito|Mizuki Saito]] – Gangu and Tago
:[[w:Bin Shimada|Bin Shimada]] – Quixano
:[[w:Hikaru Tokita|Hikaru Tokita]] – Sword Knight
:[[w:Junichi Sugawara|Junichi Sugawara]] – Cook Osaka
:[[w:Kazue Ikura|Kazue Ikura]] – Broom King
:[[w:Keiko Yamamoto|Keiko Yamamoto]] – Escargon's Mother
:[[w:Minami Takayama|Minami Takayama]] – Knuckle Joe
:[[w:Kumiko Watanabe|Kumiko Watanabe]] – Benikage
:[[w:Norio Tsuboi|Norio Tsuboi]] – Chef Nagoya
:[[w:Shigeru Nakahara|Shigeru Nakahara]] – Mr. Chip
:[[w:Tomoe Hanba|Tomoe Hanba]] – Silica
:[[w:Tomomichi Nishimura|Tomomichi Nishimura]] – Master Bacteria
:[[w:Yuko Sasamoto|Yuko Sasamoto]] – Vee (Princess Rona)
:[[w:Yumi Toma|Yumi Toma]] – Rowlin

[[Category:Fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:Anime]]
[[Category:Japanese TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:FOX shows]]</text>
      <sha1>a47dgo9be94c3cz87nliw6gedyw04xg</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Revolution (TV series)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>140404</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147556</id>
      <parentid>3104590</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:45:22Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* External links */ r/m Template:Tv.com show</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="12297" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Revolution (TV series)|Revolution]]''''' (2012–2014) is an American post-apocalyptic science fiction television drama series created by [[w:Eric Kripke|Eric Kripke]]. It takes place in a post-apocalyptic dystopian future. Fifteen years earlier, an unknown phenomenon disabled electricity on the planet and effectively all devices powered by it.

== Season One ==
:''[Opening introduction in every episode.]''
''We lived in an electric world. We relied on it for everything. And then the power went out. Everything stopped working. We weren't prepared. Fear and confusion led to panic. The lucky ones made it out of the cities. The government collapsed. Militias took over, controlling the food supply and stockpiling weapons. We still don't know why the power went out. But we're hopeful someone will come and light the way.''

=== ''Pilot'' [1.01] ===
:'''Narrator''': What you gotta understand... is things used to be different. We used electricity for everything. For our computers, our phones, even to grow food and pump water. But after the Blackout, nothing worked... not even car engines or jet turbines. Hell, even batteries. All of it, gone forever. People starved. Sickness without medicine. Fires without fire trucks. Governments fell. Militias rose up. If you were smart, you left the city. If you weren't, you died there. So, what the hell happened? What caused the Blackout?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Capt. Tom Neville''': I was an insurance adjuster. Most of my job was figuring out whether the things people said lined up with the truth. Lucky for me, it's a skill that never goes out of style.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Miles Matheson''': ''[To the militia]'' You know, you could just let me go. I'll drink myself to death.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Miles''': If Monroe got the power going, that would mean tanks, and planes, and factories. He'd steamroll the entire continent and he'd butcher the other Republics.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charlotte 'Charlie' Matheson''': Why did Monroe want my Dad? Why does he want you?
:'''Miles''': Monroe thinks your dad knew something. Something important. And he thinks your Dad told me, so I must know it too.
:'''Charlie''': What?
:'''Miles''': Why the lights went out. Maybe how to turn them back on.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Neville''': To tell you the truth, when General Monroe finds out, he's gonna be irate and he might even have my head.
:'''Danny Mathseon''': Let's hope.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aaron Pittman''': Yeah. I used to work at this place called Google.
:'''Charlie''': That was a computer thing, right?
:'''Aaron Pittman''': Now... it's nothing. $80 million in the bank, and I would trade it all right now for a roll of Charmin. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Matheson''': Morning, Aaron.
:'''Aaron''': Hey, Ben.
:'''Ben Matheson''': You look terrible.
:'''Aaron''': I was up all night. Had a menage-a-raccoon in my backyard.

=== ''Chained Heat'' [1.02] ===
:'''Charlie''': Where are you going?
:'''Miles''': Huh, this little place called - Shut up and stay here!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aaron''': Great. They're having a sale on heroin.

=== ''No Quarter'' [1.03] === 
:'''Miles''': There are a lot of men out there, okay! And sooner or later, they're coming in. So we are gonna Shawshank our asses outta here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nora''': Wow, can you boil everything down to getting laid?
:'''Miles''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Miles''': He's their CO (Commanding Officer). We can trade him. His life for ours.
:'''Jeremy Baker''': Miles? Its really you, isn't it!
:'''Rebel Priest''': Who's Miles?
:'''Charlie''': You know this guy?
:'''Jeremy''': Oh, you really don't know. Do you?
:'''Charlie''': How do you know him?
:'''Miles''': Well, they're gonna find out sooner or later. Go ahead. Tell them.
:'''Jeremy''': This is Miles Matheson. Commanding General of the Monroe Militia. Damn founding father of the Republic. Second only to Sebastian Monroe himself. He taught me everything I know. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jeremy''': This is so dramatic. You guys remember &quot;One Life to Live&quot;?

=== ''The Plague Dogs'' [1.04] ===
:'''Rudy''': There are no more tall ships, no more steam boats. They were all destroyed in the war or ripped apart for lumber. Or the militia's got em. Hell, getting to England is like getting to the moon.

=== ''Soul Train'' [1.05] ===
:'''Miles''': That uncle you knew when you were little? Not dead. I just, I can't be him right now. Because I'm gonna have to kill Monroe. I've to walk to Philly and kill my best friend. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Neville''': Come on! Who's next? Danny boy? You're up.
:'''Danny''': No. No thanks.
:'''Neville''': Come on. The rest of these bootlicks are too afraid to hit hard. But I know how you feel about me.
:'''Danny''': I'm not gonna fight you.
:''[punches Danny in the face]''
:'''Neville''': You gotta toughen up, son. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Danny''': Shut up, already.
:'''Neville''': What did you say to me?
:'''Danny''': I'm sick of it. I'm sick of your weird speeches, your mind games. Whatever you're trying to do, it's not working.
:'''Neville''': I would be very, very careful if I were you.
:'''Danny''': Or what? Are you gonna hit me again? Does that make you feel tough beating up an 18-year-old kid? What's that say about you? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rachel''': ''[about Danny]'' He's hurt. What did they do to him?
:'''Monroe''': From now on, no one will touch him, Rachel. You can see him anytime you want.
:'''Rachel''': As long as I tell you whatever you want?
:'''Monroe''': Well, if I help you, then you help me. Rachel, for the last time, what was Ben working on?
:'''Rachel''': We were both working on it. We worked together. I don't have all the specs. But if you want to turn the power back on, it starts with these pendants. There are 12 of them.

=== ''Sex and Drugs'' [1.06] ===
:'''Sgt. Strausser''': Would you like to hear the best advice I ever got? You need the right tool for the right job. I learned that from my father. He was a butcher by trade. And he didn't use any of those fancy bolt guns or electric saws they had before the blackout. No, he was an artiste. He'd slice a carcass from stem to stern in one swing, and then he'd go about carving through the muscle and the bone like brushstrokes on a canvas. It was something to see.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charlie''': You're the one always telling me to toughen up. You're right. The world's not a bunch of pretty postcards.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nora''': Aaron, what the hell did Miles get us into?
:'''Aaron''': Kind of a long story.
:''[Drexel hands over two guns]''
:'''Aaron''': Forget it. We are not doing this. 
:'''Drexel''': Come on, it's just fun and games. This game is about survival. Whoever shoots the other one first and kills them, wins. And the winner stays alive. I promise. Or you could refuse to play and I will shoot you both. Your call.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drexel''': Now, don't get any funny ideas about shooting me, 'cause this baby is armored. Ready? On three. One...
:'''Aaron''': I'm not gonna shoot you.
:'''Drexel''': Two...
:'''Aaron''': But I want you to shoot me.
:'''Nora''': What?
:'''Drexel''': Three!
:'''Aaron''': Go ahead and shoot.
:'''Nora''': You're crazy.
:'''Drexel''': Come on!
:'''Aaron''': Miles and Charlie need you. Nobody needs me. I can't help anyone. You can help get Danny. Please... Nora... Or he'll kill us both.

=== ''The Children's Crusade'' [1.07] ===
:'''Danny''': We're sitting in a cage and you're acting like nothing's wrong.
:'''Rachel''': We have food. We have beds. It could get worse. A lot worse.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Coming across a bunch of orphaned children who have survived on their own]''
:'''Aaron''': Awesome. It's like a pack of hairless Ewoks. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aaron''': What's up with Miles?
:'''Nora''': What do you mean?
:'''Aaron''': I mean the guy has raised dickishness to an art form and suddenly he's down to rescue some strange kid. That doesn't surprise you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Miles''': ''[to Charlie]'' It's irritating when a dumb kid tells you what to do, isn't it!

=== ''Ties That Bind'' [1.08] ===
:'''Miles''': Corporal.
:'''Sgt. Strausser''': I'm a Sergeant now.
:'''Miles''': Well, let's be honest, you're a sociopath, is what you are. Before the blackout, you were locked in a rubber room.
:'''Sgt. Strausser''': Did you ever consider that maybe society was sick, not me?
:'''Miles''': ''[with all his snarky panache]'' No. I never considered that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Miles''': What do you think will happen if Monroe figures out that necklace?
:'''Aaron''': I don't know. He'll turn the lights on and buy the world a Coke?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Strausser''': ''[handing over the pendant]'' With my compliments, sir.
:'''Monroe''': Thank you for your loyalty. I'll make sure you're properly rewarded.
:'''Strausser''': Thank you sir.
:'''Monroe''': So much fuss for such a little thing.

=== ''Kashmir'' [1.09] ===
:'''Charlie''': You look terrible.
:'''Miles''': ''[winking]'' That's part of the charm.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nora''': You have any idea what's on the other side of that door?
:'''Miles''': We're probably walking straight into a militia ambush.
:'''Aaron''': Well, that will be par for the course at least.
:'''Miles''': Are you ready to do this?
:'''Charlie''': Are you?
:'''Miles''': Not really. But, what the hell, huh?

=== ''Nobody's Fault But Mine'' [1.10] ===

:'''Monroe''': Did you hear we're running out of bullets?
:'''Miles''': What?
:'''Monroe''': We've been shooting so many rounds for so many years, at all these bandits, all these militias, we're running low. We're gonna have to ration. Or start using swords. We'll be like pirates. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Sebastian 'Bass' Monroe, depressed and drinking near some freshly dug graves]''
:'''Miles''': Been looking for you. What are you doing?
:'''Monroe''': Uh... I... I was just having a little family dinner. 
:'''Miles''': Okay... Come on Bass. Let's go.
:'''Monroe''': You know I always thought I'd be dead by now. I mean that's logical right? High risk gig, two tours in Iraq. My folks... My little sisters... On the way to a freakin' Harry Potter movie, one drunk driver later they're scraping them off the ground. How do you screw that?
:'''Miles''': You don't... I mean... I don't know.
:'''Monroe''' Should have been me.
:'''Miles''': Hey come on, man. 
:'''Monroe''': I got nothing left. I got.. I got nothing.. left.
:'''Miles''': : Well, you got me.
:''[Bass laughs in anguish]''
:'''Miles''': I mean, what the hell would I be without you? We've been brothers our whole lives. Since we were kids. Bass, give me the gun before you do something stupid.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Miles''': ''[to Monroe]'' You're not the same person. You're too far gone. I see it now. We are not family, not anymore. I have a family. You are nothing to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Neville''': You know... I know you. I recognized you the minute I laid eyes - 'That's Aaron Pittman, the wizard of Google'. You've been on the cover of Wired magazine more times than I can count. I bet you were high and mighty when the lights were on. I bet you'd boss around those poor bastards in their tiny cubicles. I was one of those poor bastards myself. But now, look at you, and look at me. Now you need Miles saving your fat pockmarked ass. In fact, that's exactly what I'm counting on. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jeremy''': ''[seeing Rachel with Miles]'' Miles, you are like a bad penny, man.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Billy Burke (actor)|Billy Burke]] - Miles Matheson
* [[w:Tracy Spiridakos|Tracy Spiridakos]] - Charlotte Matheson aka Charlie
* [[w:Elizabeth Mitchell|Elizabeth Mitchell]] - Rachel Matheson
* [[w:Tim Guinee|Tim Guinee]] - Ben Matheson
* [[w:David Lyons|David Lyons]] - Sebastian Monroe
* [[w:Giancarlo Esposito|Giancarlo Esposito]] - Captain/Major Tom Neville
* [[w:Daniella Alonso|Daniella Alonso]] - Nora Clayton
* [[w:Zak Orth|Zak Orth]] - Aaron Pittman

== External links ==
{{wikipedia|Revolution (TV series)}} 
*{{Official website|http://www.nbc.com/revolution}}
* {{imdb title|2070791|Revolution}}

[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:NBC shows]]
[[Category:2010s American drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American science fiction TV shows]]</text>
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    <title>Batman: Arkham City</title>
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      <text bytes="16111" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Batman: Arkham City|Batman: Arkham City]]''''' is a 2011 [[w:Action-adventure game|action-adventure]] [[w:video game|video game]] developed by [[w:Rocksteady Studios|Rocksteady Studios]] and released by [[w:Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment|Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment]]. ''Arkham City'' is written by veteran ''Batman'' writer [[w:Paul Dini|Paul Dini]] with Paul Crocker and Sefton Hill, and is based on the franchise's long-running comic book mythos. In the game's main storyline, Batman is incarcerated in Arkham City, a massive new super-prison enclosing the decaying urban slums of fictional [[w:Gotham City|Gotham City]]. He must uncover the secret behind Arkham's sinister Protocol 10 while protecting inmates from the notorious criminals housed there. The game's leading characters are predominantly voiced by actors from the [[w:DC animated universe|DC Animated Universe]], with [[w:Kevin Conroy|Kevin Conroy]] and [[w:Mark Hamill|Mark Hamill]] reprising their roles as Batman and the [[w:Joker (comics)|Joker]], respectively. 

== Batman/Bruce Wayne ==
* ''[to Catwoman]'' You're not safe here... no one is. 
* This is not a time for negotiation.
* ''[to Mr. Freeze]'' Today is not a good day to push me, Victor.
* Where's Ra's? If he's dead again, I need you to wake him up. 
* ''[to Ra's Al Ghul]'' You've become what you've always fought against, and I will stop you.

== The Joker ==
* Good evening, troops! This is General J with a quick update on what's going down here in Arkham City. As you can see, I'm looking much better. In fact... Ohhhh. I think I'm looking better than ever. Ha! Oh, I can hear you all now: &quot;How did this happen?&quot; &quot;Can I get me some of that crazy cure?!&quot; &quot;I want answers, damn it! Now!&quot; Well, here's the thing. Answers don't give you everlasting satisfaction. Sometimes you need to brace yourself for disappointment. Think about it. Imagine your favourite TV show. You've been through it all. The ups, the downs, the crazy coincidences, and then: Bang! They tell you what it's all about. Would you be happy? Does it make sense? How come it all [[w:Lost (TV series)|ended in a church]]? You guys just need to know one simple thing. I'm back. Back for good! Now arm yourselves, boys. We've got a prison break to plan. No hostages. No surrender. Oh, I know. It sounds like suicide, but listen. Whatever happens. I'll be right behind you. 

== Catwoman/Selina Kyle ==
* ''[after dodging a sniper bullet]'' This place is dangerous... I like it! 
* Sorry to disappoint you boys. It's just little ol' me.

== Professor Hugo Strange ==
* How does it feel, Wayne, to stand on the very stones that ran with your parents' blood?  Do you feel sad?  Full of rage?  Or does that outfit help bury your feelings, hiding your true self?  Oh, you are a truly extraordinary specimen.  I look forward to breaking you... 
* I feel I should thank you.  Capturing Bruce Wayne is so much easier than capturing Batman, and now that we have you, Protocol 10 is ready to commence.  It will be my legacy. A monument to your failure.  And if you try to stop me, I guarantee everyone will know your secret. 
* Lower your weapons.  Mr. Wayne will not be any trouble, will you, Mr. Wayne?  The cuffs can stay on.  We don't want to make things too easy for him.
* Stop right there, Batman! We need to talk, and I know you wouldn't be able to live with yourself if your actions caused this poor man to die... I have a question for you. Before my arrival, this city was drowning under a tide of filth. Had you ever considered that all this is ''your fault''? Your presence creates these animals. Like germs they spread. You created the environment that allowed the germ to mutate, to become stronger. Look at the Joker. Would he even ''exist'' if not for you? It must be depressing: all your sacrifices and yet you are the one to blame! Oh, this is beautiful! We have at long last defeated the great Batman! Soon, I will take my rightful place at my Master's side... We will rule over this world... So thank you, Batman, for all your help... Now... '''KILL HIM!'''
* ''[Final words]'' Computer: Activate Protocol 11... Passcode: Wayne...

== Mr. Freeze/Dr. Victor Fries ==
* I will turn your blood to ice!
* Death is cold, Batman. 
* You will bring me Nora... or you will die!
* Have you ever seen a flower die? Watched something that was once so beautiful, so full of life, collapse and rot from within? 
* You are in my world now, Batman.
* I learn from my mistakes, Batman. Do you?

== Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot ==
* Welcome to hell! 
* ''[to Batman]'' Look around you. This horrible bunch of psychopaths are all begging to join up with me, but unfortunately for them, I only take the best. And today, the best means whoever can kill you. Come on out, lads, it's initiation time.
* Nighty-night! ''[knocks out Wayne]''
* What the hell is happening down there? Hello! Is someone gonna answer me? I give you one simple task: stick up a couple of freaking machines. And what? You couldn't even get that right? I hope Batman broke every bone in your stupid bodies. I hope you lie in there, desperately trying to breathe through fractured ribs and punctured lungs. And if you're not, you better summon whatever strength you've got left and run. 'Cause after I'm done with the bat, you're all next!
* ''[to Batman]'' Hold still, ya wanker!

== The Riddler/Edward Nygma ==
* Do you admit that I am smarter than a bat?
* You are all experiencing fear in anticipation of some specific pain or danger. This is perfectly understandable.
* Explore! Find my challenges! And when you fail to solve them and lie blubbering like an ignorant child on the floor, you will know, that the Riddler is better than you! 

==Other==
:'''Commissioner Gordon''': What the hell happened in there? Batman, what happened?
:'''Harley Quinn''': Shhhhh, there there... ''[singing]'' Hush, little baby, don't say a word / Momma's gonna kill for you the whole damn world.
:'''Two-Face''': ''[to Catwoman]'' Heads or tail, kitty cat? 
:'''Tyger 4''': We have positive ID on Batman. He is kicking all kinds of ass down there.

==Dialogue==

:''[Opening Lines, amidst shock torture]''
:'''Hugo Strange''': Wake up, Mr. Wayne.  We have much to discuss... 
:'''Bruce Wayne''': ...Strange?  You won't get away with this!
:'''Hugo Strange''':  I already have. ''(Shocks Wayne again)''  I assume that you thought yourself untouchable?  Well, as you can see, ''no one'' is untouchable.  ''(Shocks him again)''
:'''Bruce Wayne''':  Shut Arkham City down!  It's out of control!
:'''Hugo Strange''':  ''Shut it down?''  By the end of tonight, I will be a hero.  Just like you...  '''BATMAN!'''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Joker''': Get back here, Harley! ''[coughs]''
:'''Harley Quinn''': But I want to know who he is, sweetie.
:'''Joker''': No one's who you think they are, my dear. Why spoil the fun?
:'''Batman''': It was all a lie. There's nothing wrong with you. 
:'''Joker''': Nice of you to say, but you of all people should know… there's ''plenty'' wrong with me. ''[holds up a vial of his blood]'' Take my blood for example. I wish somebody would… This stuff is killing me!
:'''Batman''': Why should I care?
:'''Joker''': Because now there's a ''teeny'' little bit of me in you too, Bats. Oh, come on. Don't tell me it's not what you always wanted. Look, we're running out of time, I need your help. I nearly had a cure; it was so close and then it was taken from me.
:'''Batman''': So we both die. I'm fine with that.
:'''Joker''': Are you? Imagine, sucking down that last breath, knowing that Gotham is doing the same.
:'''Batman''': What are you talking about?
:'''Joker''': Oh, didn't I say?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Batman''': Let's just talk about this... 
:'''Joker''': Now you want to talk? 
:''[pointing a gun to Talia's head]'' 
:'''Joker''': Too late, Batman!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Batman, after drinking a portion of the cure and destroying the machinery that operates the Lazarus Pit, wakes up after being knocked out. The Joker calls out to Batman from the darkness.]''
:'''Joker''': Quick, the cure! What are you waiting for? Come on! I killed your girlfriend, poisoned Gotham, and hell... it's not even breakfast. But so what? We all know you'll save me. 
:'''Batman''': ''[pondering whether or not to give the cure to the Joker]'' Every decision you've ever made ends with death and misery. People die. I stop you. You'll just break out and do it again.
:'''Joker''': ''[chuckles darkly]'' Think of it as a running gag!
:''[the Joker leaps out of the darkness and stabs Batman in the shoulder, causing him to drop the vial containing the cure, shattering it]'' 
:'''Joker''': '''''NO!'''''
:''[Batman pulls out the knife while the Joker drops to the floor and begins desperately trying to grab some of the cure]''
:'''Joker''': Are you happy now? 
:'''Batman''': Do you want to know something funny? Even after everything you've done, I would have saved you. 
:'''Joker''': ''[laughs, coughing]'' That actually is… pretty funny… ''[starts laughing and coughing, then gasping for air and finally dies, smiling]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Batman''': I told you I'd find her. 
:'''Mr. Freeze''': Thank you, Batman. I am sorry I doubted you.
:'''Batman''': Just fix her and quit this life. You're better than this.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Penguin''': So, Batman, you 'ere for the cops, the ice man, or me? ''[laughs]''
:'''Batman''': I was only here for Freeze and the hostages, but now, I'm taking you down too. 
:'''Penguin''': Ooh, aren't you scary. 
:'''Batman''': You're about to find out. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Penguin''': Well, look who it is. What's up, Batman? Did a little bird tell you that Two-Face was back? 
:'''Batman''': I'm surprised he didn't kill you. What did you do, hide? 
:'''Penguin''': Who do you think you're talking to? Oswald Cobblepot doesn't hide from anyone, understand? He just… he just didn't see me, that's all. 
:'''Batman''': How convenient. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Batman''': You're finished, Cobblepot. 
:'''Penguin''': No! I'm sorry. Please don't hurt me. 
:'''Batman''': I can't guarantee that.
:'''Penguin''': ''[pulls out detonator]'' Me neither. 
:''[the platform Batman is standing on explodes]'' 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mad Hatter''': More tea, Batman?
:'''Batman''': Where am I? What's going on?
:'''Mad Hatter''': What a question! Shall I tell you? ''[laughing]'' You look so confused, maybe I should! Well, it's quite simple, really. I planted a teeny-tiny little idea in your head. A sort of remote hypnotic suggestion, very complicated stuff. I'm sure you wouldn't understand, but as you can see, it worked! You're mine now! You're mine, and there's nothing that Strange can do about it. Oh, are you not going to drink your tea? It's special tea! My special tea! My &quot;specialty&quot;. ''[giggles]''
:'''Batman''': Go to hell, Jervis.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Batman''': Don't ''ever'' try to get in my head again, Hatter. 
:'''Mad Hatter''': But you don't understand, I ''need'' you! I can't win without you... 
:'''Batman''': Then you lose. I'm not your slave. Not now, not ever. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Catwoman''': Figured you could use my help. 
:'''Batman''': You're right, I think I chipped a nail back there. 
:'''Catwoman''': You stick to the brooding. I'll handle the wisecracks.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Catwoman''': No gun, Harv? Shame. This is gonna hurt. 
:'''Two-Face''': ''[draws his backup]'' Two guns, bitch!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Two-Face''': ''[speaking to himself]'' The only way to get by in this place is to get ourselves some respect...  
:'''Two-Face''': ...Fear! That's how we get respect! Show them all how we do things! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Talia al Ghul''': Thousands of warriors have fallen in pursuit of the Demon. Would-be successors have proven to be nothing more than children battling the enormity of creation. 
:'''Batman''': I've seen worse. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Oracle''': Bruce? Where the hell have you been? I thought you were dead.
:'''Batman''': Sorry to disappoint you.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Shut Arkham City down! It's out of control! 
:'''Hugo Strange''': Shut it down? By the end of tonight, I will be a hero. Just like you... Batman.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Batman''': I didn't need your help. 
:'''Robin''': Really? That's not what it looked like from where I was standing.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Inmate 1''': Do these things even work underground? I read the manual, it never said anything about working underground. 
:'''Inmate 2''': Yeah, they work.
:'''Inmate 1''': If you say so.
:'''Inmate 2''': Since when have you been all about reading, anyway?
:'''Inmate 1''': I read.
:'''Inmate 2''': Porn don't count.
:'''Inmate 1''': Screw you.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Penguin''': ''[blows up a bridge]'' See, I told you it would work. Blow the bridges and cut off the clown's forces. Easy. 
:'''Inmate''': But Mr. Cobblepot, we're stuck too. 
:'''Penguin''': So? 
:'''Inmate''': We can't get back. 
:'''Penguin''': And your point is? 
:'''Inmate''': Well, it's just... you've left us over here with the Joker's crew. 
:'''Penguin''': Try and take some of them down before you die, son. ''[laughs]''
:'''Inmate''': You bastard. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Tyger 4''': All units, this is Air TYGER 4. We have confirmation that Prisoner 4011 is in the courthouse. I repeat, Catwoman is in the courthouse. 
:'''Hugo Strange''': Is she in danger? 
:'''Tyger 4''': Affirmative. Target is being held by Dent. We believe he intends to kill her. How should we proceed? 
:'''Hugo Strange''': ''[chuckles]'' Stand down. Let Two Face have his fun. 
:'''Tyger 4''': Understood. 
:'''Batman''': That doesn't sound good. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jack Ryder''': Bruce Wayne? Great, here I was reporting on your crummy press conference, and now here we both are. I guess that'll teach you to get involved in politics, won't it?
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Listen to me carefully, when they open the door, do not panic. Stay close to me. 
:'''Jack Ryder''': Do you think I'm taking advice from some guy who's never even been in a fight? 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After Catwoman's failed attempt to retrieve Ivy's plant from the TYGER vault]''
:'''Poison Ivy''': Where have you been?! Where is my... You haven't got it, have you?
:'''Catwoman''': Yeah, about that. Look, Red, it wasn't my fault. Strange didn't--
:'''Poison Ivy''': I'll kill him!
:'''Catwoman''': Be my guest.
:'''Poison Ivy''': I'll kill all of you!
:'''Catwoman''': Okay, then... I think I'll be going now.
:'''Poison Ivy''': Yes, go! Join the rest of the meat. I'll destroy them all. First Strange, then Gotham - no one will be safe!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mad Hatter''': Are you Alice?
:'''Catwoman''': Sorry, Jervis, it's me - Catwoman?
:'''Mad Hatter''': Alice! I need my Alice...!
:'''Catwoman''': Wow, Strange really did a number on you, didn't he? Listen, I'm going to go and find Alice, okay? I hear she's with the Cheshire Cat... somewhere.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Catwoman''': Well, isn't this nice? I guess Batman found your wife after all.
:'''Mr. Freeze''': Yes. My beautiful Nora is now safe.
:'''Catwoman''': So, is now a good time to talk to you about an idea I had to steal the Pharoah's diamond from the Egyptian Museum? It's really hot there and, well, all this latex really makes a girl sweat...!
:'''Mr. Freeze''': ''[sternly]'' Leave me with my wife, Catwoman.
:'''Catwoman''': Just asking, Freeze, just asking.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Catwoman''': ''[sees Penguin trapped in a display case]'' What the hell are you supposed to be? 
:'''Penguin''': Piss off! 
:'''Catwoman''': Really? Okay, if you insist. Oh, I forgot to say: speak to me like that again, Penguin, and I'll show you just what it feels like for a poor little bird to be torn apart by a cat. 
:'''Penguin''': Please, don't hurt me! I didn't mean it! 
:'''Catwoman''': That's much nicer. See, you can be nice, Oswald. See you around.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{imdb title|1568322/|Batman: Arkham City}}

[[Category:DC Comics]]
[[Category:2011 video games]]
[[Category:Batman: Arkham (series)]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Batman: Arkham City|Batman: Arkham City]]''''' is a 2011 [[w:Action-adventure game|action-adventure]] [[w:video game|video game]] developed by [[w:Rocksteady Studios|Rocksteady Studios]] and released by [[w:Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment|Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment]]. ''Arkham City'' is written by veteran ''Batman'' writer [[w:Paul Dini|Paul Dini]] with Paul Crocker and Sefton Hill, and is based on the franchise's long-running comic book mythos. In the game's main storyline, Batman is incarcerated in Arkham City, a massive new super-prison enclosing the decaying urban slums of fictional [[w:Gotham City|Gotham City]]. He must uncover the secret behind Arkham's sinister Protocol 10 while protecting inmates from the notorious criminals housed there. The game's leading characters are predominantly voiced by actors from the [[w:DC animated universe|DC Animated Universe]], with [[w:Kevin Conroy|Kevin Conroy]] and [[w:Mark Hamill|Mark Hamill]] reprising their roles as Batman and the [[w:Joker (comics)|Joker]], respectively. 

== Batman/Bruce Wayne ==
* ''[to Catwoman]'' You're not safe here... no one is. 
* This is not a time for negotiation.
* ''[to Mr. Freeze]'' Today is not a good day to push me, Victor.
* Where's Ra's? If he's dead again, I need you to wake him up. 
* ''[to Ra's Al Ghul]'' You've become what you've always fought against, and I will stop you.

== The Joker ==
* Good evening, troops! This is General J with a quick update on what's going down here in Arkham City. As you can see, I'm looking much better. In fact... Ohhhh. I think I'm looking better than ever. Ha! Oh, I can hear you all now: &quot;How did this happen?&quot; &quot;Can I get me some of that crazy cure?!&quot; &quot;I want answers, damn it! Now!&quot; Well, here's the thing. Answers don't give you everlasting satisfaction. Sometimes you need to brace yourself for disappointment. Think about it. Imagine your favourite TV show. You've been through it all. The ups, the downs, the crazy coincidences, and then: Bang! They tell you what it's all about. Would you be happy? Does it make sense? How come it all [[w:Lost (TV series)|ended in a church]]? You guys just need to know one simple thing. I'm back. Back for good! Now arm yourselves, boys. We've got a prison break to plan. No hostages. No surrender. Oh, I know. It sounds like suicide, but listen. Whatever happens. I'll be right behind you. 

== Catwoman/Selina Kyle ==
* ''[after dodging a sniper bullet]'' This place is dangerous... I like it! 
* Sorry to disappoint you boys. It's just little ol' me.

== Professor Hugo Strange ==
* How does it feel, Wayne, to stand on the very stones that ran with your parents' blood?  Do you feel sad?  Full of rage?  Or does that outfit help bury your feelings, hiding your true self?  Oh, you are a truly extraordinary specimen.  I look forward to breaking you... 
* I feel I should thank you.  Capturing Bruce Wayne is so much easier than capturing Batman, and now that we have you, Protocol 10 is ready to commence.  It will be my legacy. A monument to your failure.  And if you try to stop me, I guarantee everyone will know your secret. 
* Lower your weapons.  Mr. Wayne will not be any trouble, will you, Mr. Wayne?  The cuffs can stay on.  We don't want to make things too easy for him.
* Stop right there, Batman! We need to talk, and I know you wouldn't be able to live with yourself if your actions caused this poor man to die... I have a question for you. Before my arrival, this city was drowning under a tide of filth. Had you ever considered that all this is ''your fault''? Your presence creates these animals. Like germs they spread. You created the environment that allowed the germ to mutate, to become stronger. Look at the Joker. Would he even ''exist'' if not for you? It must be depressing: all your sacrifices and yet you are the one to blame! Oh, this is beautiful! We have at long last defeated the great Batman! Soon, I will take my rightful place at my Master's side... We will rule over this world... So thank you, Batman, for all your help... Now... '''KILL HIM!'''
* ''[Final words]'' Computer: Activate Protocol 11... Passcode: Wayne...

== Mr. Freeze/Dr. Victor Fries ==
* I will turn your blood to ice!
* Death is cold, Batman. 
* You will bring me Nora... or you will die!
* Have you ever seen a flower die? Watched something that was once so beautiful, so full of life, collapse and rot from within? 
* You are in my world now, Batman.
* I learn from my mistakes, Batman. Do you?

== Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot ==
* Welcome to hell! 
* ''[to Batman]'' Look around you. This horrible bunch of psychopaths are all begging to join up with me, but unfortunately for them, I only take the best. And today, the best means whoever can kill you. Come on out, lads, it's initiation time.
* Nighty-night! ''[knocks out Wayne]''
* What the hell is happening down there? Hello! Is someone gonna answer me? I give you one simple task: stick up a couple of freaking machines. And what? You couldn't even get that right? I hope Batman broke every bone in your stupid bodies. I hope you lie in there, desperately trying to breathe through fractured ribs and punctured lungs. And if you're not, you better summon whatever strength you've got left and run. 'Cause after I'm done with the bat, you're all next!
* ''[to Batman]'' Hold still, ya wanker!

== The Riddler/Edward Nygma ==
* Do you admit that I am smarter than a bat?
* You are all experiencing fear in anticipation of some specific pain or danger. This is perfectly understandable.
* Explore! Find my challenges! And when you fail to solve them and lie blubbering like an ignorant child on the floor, you will know, that the Riddler is better than you! 

==Other==
:'''Commissioner Gordon''': What the hell happened in there? Batman, what happened?
:'''Harley Quinn''': Shhhhh, there there... ''[singing]'' Hush, little baby, don't say a word / Momma's gonna kill for you the whole damn world.
:'''Two-Face''': ''[to Catwoman]'' Heads or tail, kitty cat? 
:'''Tyger 4''': We have positive ID on Batman. He is kicking all kinds of ass down there.

==Dialogue==

:''[Opening Lines, amidst shock torture]''
:'''Hugo Strange''': Wake up, Mr. Wayne.  We have much to discuss... 
:'''Bruce Wayne''': ...Strange?  You won't get away with this!
:'''Hugo Strange''':  I already have. ''(Shocks Wayne again)''  I assume that you thought yourself untouchable?  Well, as you can see, ''no one'' is untouchable.  ''(Shocks him again)''
:'''Bruce Wayne''':  Shut Arkham City down!  It's out of control!
:'''Hugo Strange''':  ''Shut it down?''  By the end of tonight, I will be a hero.  Just like you...  '''BATMAN!'''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Joker''': Get back here, Harley! ''[coughs]''
:'''Harley Quinn''': But I want to know who he is, sweetie.
:'''Joker''': No one's who you think they are, my dear. Why spoil the fun?
:'''Batman''': It was all a lie. There's nothing wrong with you. 
:'''Joker''': Nice of you to say, but you of all people should know… there's ''plenty'' wrong with me. ''[holds up a vial of his blood]'' Take my blood for example. I wish somebody would… This stuff is killing me!
:'''Batman''': Why should I care?
:'''Joker''': Because now there's a teeny little bit of me in you too, Bats. ''[Batman turns around to see that Joker has injected his own blood in him]'' Oh, come on. Don't tell me it's not what you always wanted. Look, we're running out of time, I need your help. I nearly had a cure; it was so close and then it was taken from me.
:'''Batman''': So we both die. I'm fine with that.
:'''Joker''': Are you? Imagine, sucking down that last breath, knowing that Gotham is doing the same.
:'''Batman''': What are you talking about?
:'''Joker''': Oh, didn't I say? I've spent weeks shipping samples of my blood to emergency rooms all over the city.
:'''Batman''': So, that's Protocol Ten. Poison Gotham. I expected more.
:'''Joker''': Protocol Ten? ''[gasps]'' Never heard of it. ''[leans into Batman's ear]'' Hold tight! ''[kicks Batman's wheelchair, bursting him out through the window]'' I'll be in touch!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Batman''': Let's just talk about this…
:'''Joker''': Now you want to talk? 
:''[pointing a gun to Talia's head]'' 
:'''Joker''': Too late, Batman!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Batman, after drinking a portion of the cure and destroying the machinery that operates the Lazarus Pit, wakes up after being knocked out. The Joker calls out to Batman from the darkness.]''
:'''Joker''': Quick, the cure! What are you waiting for? Come on! I killed your girlfriend, poisoned Gotham, and hell... it's not even breakfast. But so what? We all know you'll save me. 
:'''Batman''': ''[pondering whether or not to give the cure to the Joker]'' Every decision you've ever made ends with death and misery. People die. I stop you. You'll just break out and do it again.
:'''Joker''': ''[chuckles darkly]'' Think of it as a running gag!
:''[the Joker leaps out of the darkness and stabs Batman in the shoulder, causing him to drop the vial containing the cure, shattering it]'' 
:'''Joker''': '''''NO!'''''
:''[Batman pulls out the knife while the Joker drops to the floor and begins desperately trying to grab some of the cure]''
:'''Joker''': Are you happy now? 
:'''Batman''': Do you want to know something funny? Even after everything you've done, I would have saved you. 
:'''Joker''': ''[laughs, coughing]'' That actually is… pretty funny… ''[starts laughing and coughing, then gasping for air and finally dies, smiling]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Batman''': I told you I'd find her. 
:'''Mr. Freeze''': Thank you, Batman. I am sorry I doubted you.
:'''Batman''': Just fix her and quit this life. You're better than this.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Penguin''': So, Batman, you 'ere for the cops, the ice man, or me? ''[laughs]''
:'''Batman''': I was only here for Freeze and the hostages, but now, I'm taking you down too. 
:'''Penguin''': Ooh, aren't you scary. 
:'''Batman''': You're about to find out. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Penguin''': Well, look who it is. What's up, Batman? Did a little bird tell you that Two-Face was back? 
:'''Batman''': I'm surprised he didn't kill you. What did you do, hide? 
:'''Penguin''': Who do you think you're talking to? Oswald Cobblepot doesn't hide from anyone, understand? He just… he just didn't see me, that's all. 
:'''Batman''': How convenient. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Batman''': You're finished, Cobblepot. 
:'''Penguin''': No! I'm sorry. Please don't hurt me. 
:'''Batman''': I can't guarantee that.
:'''Penguin''': ''[pulls out detonator]'' Me neither. 
:''[the platform Batman is standing on explodes]'' 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mad Hatter''': More tea, Batman?
:'''Batman''': Where am I? What's going on?
:'''Mad Hatter''': What a question! Shall I tell you? ''[laughing]'' You look so confused, maybe I should! Well, it's quite simple, really. I planted a teeny-tiny little idea in your head. A sort of remote hypnotic suggestion, very complicated stuff. I'm sure you wouldn't understand, but as you can see, it worked! You're mine now! You're mine, and there's nothing that Strange can do about it. Oh, are you not going to drink your tea? It's special tea! My special tea! My &quot;specialty&quot;. ''[giggles]''
:'''Batman''': Go to hell, Jervis.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Batman''': Don't ''ever'' try to get in my head again, Hatter. 
:'''Mad Hatter''': But you don't understand, I ''need'' you! I can't win without you... 
:'''Batman''': Then you lose. I'm not your slave. Not now, not ever. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Catwoman''': Figured you could use my help. 
:'''Batman''': You're right, I think I chipped a nail back there. 
:'''Catwoman''': You stick to the brooding. I'll handle the wisecracks.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Catwoman''': No gun, Harv? Shame. This is gonna hurt. 
:'''Two-Face''': ''[draws his backup]'' Two guns, bitch!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Two-Face''': ''[speaking to himself]'' The only way to get by in this place is to get ourselves some respect...  
:'''Two-Face''': ...Fear! That's how we get respect! Show them all how we do things! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Talia al Ghul''': Thousands of warriors have fallen in pursuit of the Demon. Would-be successors have proven to be nothing more than children battling the enormity of creation. 
:'''Batman''': I've seen worse. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Oracle''': Bruce? Where the hell have you been? I thought you were dead.
:'''Batman''': Sorry to disappoint you.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Shut Arkham City down! It's out of control! 
:'''Hugo Strange''': Shut it down? By the end of tonight, I will be a hero. Just like you... Batman.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Batman''': I didn't need your help. 
:'''Robin''': Really? That's not what it looked like from where I was standing.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Inmate 1''': Do these things even work underground? I read the manual, it never said anything about working underground. 
:'''Inmate 2''': Yeah, they work.
:'''Inmate 1''': If you say so.
:'''Inmate 2''': Since when have you been all about reading, anyway?
:'''Inmate 1''': I read.
:'''Inmate 2''': Porn don't count.
:'''Inmate 1''': Screw you.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Penguin''': ''[blows up a bridge]'' See, I told you it would work. Blow the bridges and cut off the clown's forces. Easy. 
:'''Inmate''': But Mr. Cobblepot, we're stuck too. 
:'''Penguin''': So? 
:'''Inmate''': We can't get back. 
:'''Penguin''': And your point is? 
:'''Inmate''': Well, it's just... you've left us over here with the Joker's crew. 
:'''Penguin''': Try and take some of them down before you die, son. ''[laughs]''
:'''Inmate''': You bastard. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Tyger 4''': All units, this is Air TYGER 4. We have confirmation that Prisoner 4011 is in the courthouse. I repeat, Catwoman is in the courthouse. 
:'''Hugo Strange''': Is she in danger? 
:'''Tyger 4''': Affirmative. Target is being held by Dent. We believe he intends to kill her. How should we proceed? 
:'''Hugo Strange''': ''[chuckles]'' Stand down. Let Two Face have his fun. 
:'''Tyger 4''': Understood. 
:'''Batman''': That doesn't sound good. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jack Ryder''': Bruce Wayne? Great, here I was reporting on your crummy press conference, and now here we both are. I guess that'll teach you to get involved in politics, won't it?
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Listen to me carefully, when they open the door, do not panic. Stay close to me. 
:'''Jack Ryder''': Do you think I'm taking advice from some guy who's never even been in a fight? 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After Catwoman's failed attempt to retrieve Ivy's plant from the TYGER vault]''
:'''Poison Ivy''': Where have you been?! Where is my... You haven't got it, have you?
:'''Catwoman''': Yeah, about that. Look, Red, it wasn't my fault. Strange didn't--
:'''Poison Ivy''': I'll kill him!
:'''Catwoman''': Be my guest.
:'''Poison Ivy''': I'll kill all of you!
:'''Catwoman''': Okay, then... I think I'll be going now.
:'''Poison Ivy''': Yes, go! Join the rest of the meat. I'll destroy them all. First Strange, then Gotham - no one will be safe!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mad Hatter''': Are you Alice?
:'''Catwoman''': Sorry, Jervis, it's me - Catwoman?
:'''Mad Hatter''': Alice! I need my Alice...!
:'''Catwoman''': Wow, Strange really did a number on you, didn't he? Listen, I'm going to go and find Alice, okay? I hear she's with the Cheshire Cat... somewhere.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Catwoman''': Well, isn't this nice? I guess Batman found your wife after all.
:'''Mr. Freeze''': Yes. My beautiful Nora is now safe.
:'''Catwoman''': So, is now a good time to talk to you about an idea I had to steal the Pharoah's diamond from the Egyptian Museum? It's really hot there and, well, all this latex really makes a girl sweat...!
:'''Mr. Freeze''': ''[sternly]'' Leave me with my wife, Catwoman.
:'''Catwoman''': Just asking, Freeze, just asking.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Catwoman''': ''[sees Penguin trapped in a display case]'' What the hell are you supposed to be? 
:'''Penguin''': Piss off! 
:'''Catwoman''': Really? Okay, if you insist. Oh, I forgot to say: speak to me like that again, Penguin, and I'll show you just what it feels like for a poor little bird to be torn apart by a cat. 
:'''Penguin''': Please, don't hurt me! I didn't mean it! 
:'''Catwoman''': That's much nicer. See, you can be nice, Oswald. See you around.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{imdb title|1568322/|Batman: Arkham City}}

[[Category:DC Comics]]
[[Category:2011 video games]]
[[Category:Batman: Arkham (series)]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Batman: Arkham City|Batman: Arkham City]]''''' is a 2011 [[w:Action-adventure game|action-adventure]] [[w:video game|video game]] developed by [[w:Rocksteady Studios|Rocksteady Studios]] and released by [[w:Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment|Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment]]. ''Arkham City'' is written by veteran ''Batman'' writer [[w:Paul Dini|Paul Dini]] with Paul Crocker and Sefton Hill, and is based on the franchise's long-running comic book mythos. In the game's main storyline, Batman is incarcerated in Arkham City, a massive new super-prison enclosing the decaying urban slums of fictional [[w:Gotham City|Gotham City]]. He must uncover the secret behind Arkham's sinister Protocol 10 while protecting inmates from the notorious criminals housed there. The game's leading characters are predominantly voiced by actors from the [[w:DC animated universe|DC Animated Universe]], with [[w:Kevin Conroy|Kevin Conroy]] and [[w:Mark Hamill|Mark Hamill]] reprising their roles as Batman and the [[w:Joker (comics)|Joker]], respectively. 

== Batman/Bruce Wayne ==
* ''[to Catwoman]'' You're not safe here... no one is. 
* This is not a time for negotiation.
* ''[to Mr. Freeze]'' Today is not a good day to push me, Victor.
* Where's Ra's? If he's dead again, I need you to wake him up. 
* ''[to Ra's Al Ghul]'' You've become what you've always fought against, and I will stop you.

== The Joker ==
* Surprise! You fell for the ol' fake Joker gag, Batman.
* Good evening, troops! This is General J with a quick update on what's going down here in Arkham City. As you can see, I'm looking much better. In fact... Ohhhh. I think I'm looking better than ever. Ha! Oh, I can hear you all now: &quot;How did this happen?&quot; &quot;Can I get me some of that crazy cure?!&quot; &quot;I want answers, damn it! Now!&quot; Well, here's the thing. Answers don't give you everlasting satisfaction. Sometimes you need to brace yourself for disappointment. Think about it. Imagine your favourite TV show. You've been through it all. The ups, the downs, the crazy coincidences, and then: Bang! They tell you what it's all about. Would you be happy? Does it make sense? How come it all [[w:Lost (TV series)|ended in a church]]? You guys just need to know one simple thing. I'm back. Back for good! Now arm yourselves, boys. We've got a prison break to plan. No hostages. No surrender. Oh, I know. It sounds like suicide, but listen. Whatever happens. I'll be right behind you.

== Catwoman/Selina Kyle ==
* ''[after dodging a sniper bullet]'' This place is dangerous... I like it! 
* Sorry to disappoint you boys. It's just little ol' me.

== Professor Hugo Strange ==
* How does it feel, Wayne, to stand on the very stones that ran with your parents' blood?  Do you feel sad?  Full of rage?  Or does that outfit help bury your feelings, hiding your true self?  Oh, you are a truly extraordinary specimen.  I look forward to breaking you... 
* I feel I should thank you.  Capturing Bruce Wayne is so much easier than capturing Batman, and now that we have you, Protocol 10 is ready to commence.  It will be my legacy. A monument to your failure.  And if you try to stop me, I guarantee everyone will know your secret. 
* Lower your weapons.  Mr. Wayne will not be any trouble, will you, Mr. Wayne?  The cuffs can stay on.  We don't want to make things too easy for him.
* Stop right there, Batman! We need to talk, and I know you wouldn't be able to live with yourself if your actions caused this poor man to die... I have a question for you. Before my arrival, this city was drowning under a tide of filth. Had you ever considered that all this is ''your fault''? Your presence creates these animals. Like germs they spread. You created the environment that allowed the germ to mutate, to become stronger. Look at the Joker. Would he even ''exist'' if not for you? It must be depressing: all your sacrifices and yet you are the one to blame! Oh, this is beautiful! We have at long last defeated the great Batman! Soon, I will take my rightful place at my Master's side... We will rule over this world... So thank you, Batman, for all your help... Now... '''KILL HIM!'''
* ''[Final words]'' Computer: Activate Protocol 11... Passcode: Wayne...

== Mr. Freeze/Dr. Victor Fries ==
* I will turn your blood to ice!
* Death is cold, Batman. 
* You will bring me Nora... or you will die!
* Have you ever seen a flower die? Watched something that was once so beautiful, so full of life, collapse and rot from within? 
* You are in my world now, Batman.
* I learn from my mistakes, Batman. Do you?

== Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot ==
* Welcome to hell! 
* ''[to Batman]'' Look around you. This horrible bunch of psychopaths are all begging to join up with me, but unfortunately for them, I only take the best. And today, the best means whoever can kill you. Come on out, lads, it's initiation time.
* Nighty-night! ''[knocks out Wayne]''
* What the hell is happening down there? Hello! Is someone gonna answer me? I give you one simple task: stick up a couple of freaking machines. And what? You couldn't even get that right? I hope Batman broke every bone in your stupid bodies. I hope you lie in there, desperately trying to breathe through fractured ribs and punctured lungs. And if you're not, you better summon whatever strength you've got left and run. 'Cause after I'm done with the bat, you're all next!
* ''[to Batman]'' Hold still, ya wanker!

== The Riddler/Edward Nygma ==
* Do you admit that I am smarter than a bat?
* You are all experiencing fear in anticipation of some specific pain or danger. This is perfectly understandable.
* Explore! Find my challenges! And when you fail to solve them and lie blubbering like an ignorant child on the floor, you will know, that the Riddler is better than you! 

==Other==
:'''Commissioner Gordon''': What the hell happened in there? Batman, what happened?
:'''Harley Quinn''': Shhhhh, there there... ''[singing]'' Hush, little baby, don't say a word / Momma's gonna kill for you the whole damn world.
:'''Two-Face''': ''[to Catwoman]'' Heads or tail, kitty cat? 
:'''Tyger 4''': We have positive ID on Batman. He is kicking all kinds of ass down there.

==Dialogue==

:''[Opening Lines, amidst shock torture]''
:'''Hugo Strange''': Wake up, Mr. Wayne.  We have much to discuss... 
:'''Bruce Wayne''': ...Strange?  You won't get away with this!
:'''Hugo Strange''':  I already have. ''(Shocks Wayne again)''  I assume that you thought yourself untouchable?  Well, as you can see, ''no one'' is untouchable.  ''(Shocks him again)''
:'''Bruce Wayne''':  Shut Arkham City down!  It's out of control!
:'''Hugo Strange''':  ''Shut it down?''  By the end of tonight, I will be a hero.  Just like you...  '''BATMAN!'''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Joker''': Get back here, Harley! ''[coughs]''
:'''Harley Quinn''': But I want to know who he is, sweetie.
:'''Joker''': No one's who you think they are, my dear. Why spoil the fun?
:'''Batman''': It was all a lie. There's nothing wrong with you. 
:'''Joker''': Nice of you to say, but you of all people should know… there's ''plenty'' wrong with me. ''[holds up a vial of his blood]'' Take my blood for example. I wish somebody would… This stuff is killing me!
:'''Batman''': Why should I care?
:'''Joker''': Because now there's a teeny little bit of me in you too, Bats. ''[Batman turns around to see that Joker has injected his own blood in him]'' Oh, come on. Don't tell me it's not what you always wanted. Look, we're running out of time, I need your help. I nearly had a cure; it was so close and then it was taken from me.
:'''Batman''': So we both die. I'm fine with that.
:'''Joker''': Are you? Imagine, sucking down that last breath, knowing that Gotham is doing the same.
:'''Batman''': What are you talking about?
:'''Joker''': Oh, didn't I say? I've spent weeks shipping samples of my blood to emergency rooms all over the city.
:'''Batman''': So, that's Protocol Ten. Poison Gotham. I expected more.
:'''Joker''': Protocol Ten? ''[gasps]'' Never heard of it. ''[leans into Batman's ear]'' Hold tight! ''[kicks Batman's wheelchair, bursting him out through the window]'' I'll be in touch!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Batman''': Let's just talk about this…
:'''Joker''': Now you want to talk? 
:''[pointing a gun to Talia's head]'' 
:'''Joker''': Too late, Batman!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Batman, after drinking a portion of the cure and destroying the machinery that operates the Lazarus Pit, wakes up after being knocked out. The Joker calls out to Batman from the darkness.]''
:'''Joker''': Quick, the cure! What are you waiting for? Come on! I killed your girlfriend, poisoned Gotham, and hell... it's not even breakfast. But so what? We all know you'll save me. 
:'''Batman''': ''[pondering whether or not to give the cure to the Joker]'' Every decision you've ever made ends with death and misery. People die. I stop you. You'll just break out and do it again.
:'''Joker''': ''[chuckles darkly]'' Think of it as a running gag!
:''[the Joker leaps out of the darkness and stabs Batman in the shoulder, causing him to drop the vial containing the cure, shattering it]'' 
:'''Joker''': '''''NO!'''''
:''[Batman pulls out the knife while the Joker drops to the floor and begins desperately trying to grab some of the cure]''
:'''Joker''': Are you happy now? 
:'''Batman''': Do you want to know something funny? Even after everything you've done, I would have saved you. 
:'''Joker''': ''[laughs, coughing]'' That actually is… pretty funny… ''[starts laughing and coughing, then gasping for air and finally dies, smiling]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Batman''': I told you I'd find her. 
:'''Mr. Freeze''': Thank you, Batman. I am sorry I doubted you.
:'''Batman''': Just fix her and quit this life. You're better than this.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Penguin''': So, Batman, you 'ere for the cops, the ice man, or me? ''[laughs]''
:'''Batman''': I was only here for Freeze and the hostages, but now, I'm taking you down too. 
:'''Penguin''': Ooh, aren't you scary. 
:'''Batman''': You're about to find out. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Penguin''': Well, look who it is. What's up, Batman? Did a little bird tell you that Two-Face was back? 
:'''Batman''': I'm surprised he didn't kill you. What did you do, hide? 
:'''Penguin''': Who do you think you're talking to? Oswald Cobblepot doesn't hide from anyone, understand? He just… he just didn't see me, that's all. 
:'''Batman''': How convenient. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Batman''': You're finished, Cobblepot. 
:'''Penguin''': No! I'm sorry. Please don't hurt me. 
:'''Batman''': I can't guarantee that.
:'''Penguin''': ''[pulls out detonator]'' Me neither. 
:''[the platform Batman is standing on explodes]'' 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mad Hatter''': More tea, Batman?
:'''Batman''': Where am I? What's going on?
:'''Mad Hatter''': What a question! Shall I tell you? ''[laughing]'' You look so confused, maybe I should! Well, it's quite simple, really. I planted a teeny-tiny little idea in your head. A sort of remote hypnotic suggestion, very complicated stuff. I'm sure you wouldn't understand, but as you can see, it worked! You're mine now! You're mine, and there's nothing that Strange can do about it. Oh, are you not going to drink your tea? It's special tea! My special tea! My &quot;specialty&quot;. ''[giggles]''
:'''Batman''': Go to hell, Jervis.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Batman''': Don't ''ever'' try to get in my head again, Hatter. 
:'''Mad Hatter''': But you don't understand, I ''need'' you! I can't win without you... 
:'''Batman''': Then you lose. I'm not your slave. Not now, not ever. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Catwoman''': Figured you could use my help. 
:'''Batman''': You're right, I think I chipped a nail back there. 
:'''Catwoman''': You stick to the brooding. I'll handle the wisecracks.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Catwoman''': No gun, Harv? Shame. This is gonna hurt. 
:'''Two-Face''': ''[draws his backup]'' Two guns, bitch!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Two-Face''': ''[speaking to himself]'' The only way to get by in this place is to get ourselves some respect...  
:'''Two-Face''': ...Fear! That's how we get respect! Show them all how we do things! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Talia al Ghul''': Thousands of warriors have fallen in pursuit of the Demon. Would-be successors have proven to be nothing more than children battling the enormity of creation. 
:'''Batman''': I've seen worse. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Oracle''': Bruce? Where the hell have you been? I thought you were dead.
:'''Batman''': Sorry to disappoint you.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Shut Arkham City down! It's out of control! 
:'''Hugo Strange''': Shut it down? By the end of tonight, I will be a hero. Just like you... Batman.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Batman''': I didn't need your help. 
:'''Robin''': Really? That's not what it looked like from where I was standing.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Inmate 1''': Do these things even work underground? I read the manual, it never said anything about working underground. 
:'''Inmate 2''': Yeah, they work.
:'''Inmate 1''': If you say so.
:'''Inmate 2''': Since when have you been all about reading, anyway?
:'''Inmate 1''': I read.
:'''Inmate 2''': Porn don't count.
:'''Inmate 1''': Screw you.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Penguin''': ''[blows up a bridge]'' See, I told you it would work. Blow the bridges and cut off the clown's forces. Easy. 
:'''Inmate''': But Mr. Cobblepot, we're stuck too. 
:'''Penguin''': So? 
:'''Inmate''': We can't get back. 
:'''Penguin''': And your point is? 
:'''Inmate''': Well, it's just... you've left us over here with the Joker's crew. 
:'''Penguin''': Try and take some of them down before you die, son. ''[laughs]''
:'''Inmate''': You bastard. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Tyger 4''': All units, this is Air TYGER 4. We have confirmation that Prisoner 4011 is in the courthouse. I repeat, Catwoman is in the courthouse. 
:'''Hugo Strange''': Is she in danger? 
:'''Tyger 4''': Affirmative. Target is being held by Dent. We believe he intends to kill her. How should we proceed? 
:'''Hugo Strange''': ''[chuckles]'' Stand down. Let Two Face have his fun. 
:'''Tyger 4''': Understood. 
:'''Batman''': That doesn't sound good. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jack Ryder''': Bruce Wayne? Great, here I was reporting on your crummy press conference, and now here we both are. I guess that'll teach you to get involved in politics, won't it?
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Listen to me carefully, when they open the door, do not panic. Stay close to me. 
:'''Jack Ryder''': Do you think I'm taking advice from some guy who's never even been in a fight? 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After Catwoman's failed attempt to retrieve Ivy's plant from the TYGER vault]''
:'''Poison Ivy''': Where have you been?! Where is my... You haven't got it, have you?
:'''Catwoman''': Yeah, about that. Look, Red, it wasn't my fault. Strange didn't--
:'''Poison Ivy''': I'll kill him!
:'''Catwoman''': Be my guest.
:'''Poison Ivy''': I'll kill all of you!
:'''Catwoman''': Okay, then... I think I'll be going now.
:'''Poison Ivy''': Yes, go! Join the rest of the meat. I'll destroy them all. First Strange, then Gotham - no one will be safe!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mad Hatter''': Are you Alice?
:'''Catwoman''': Sorry, Jervis, it's me - Catwoman?
:'''Mad Hatter''': Alice! I need my Alice...!
:'''Catwoman''': Wow, Strange really did a number on you, didn't he? Listen, I'm going to go and find Alice, okay? I hear she's with the Cheshire Cat... somewhere.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Catwoman''': Well, isn't this nice? I guess Batman found your wife after all.
:'''Mr. Freeze''': Yes. My beautiful Nora is now safe.
:'''Catwoman''': So, is now a good time to talk to you about an idea I had to steal the Pharoah's diamond from the Egyptian Museum? It's really hot there and, well, all this latex really makes a girl sweat...!
:'''Mr. Freeze''': ''[sternly]'' Leave me with my wife, Catwoman.
:'''Catwoman''': Just asking, Freeze, just asking.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Catwoman''': ''[sees Penguin trapped in a display case]'' What the hell are you supposed to be? 
:'''Penguin''': Piss off! 
:'''Catwoman''': Really? Okay, if you insist. Oh, I forgot to say: speak to me like that again, Penguin, and I'll show you just what it feels like for a poor little bird to be torn apart by a cat. 
:'''Penguin''': Please, don't hurt me! I didn't mean it! 
:'''Catwoman''': That's much nicer. See, you can be nice, Oswald. See you around.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{imdb title|1568322/|Batman: Arkham City}}

[[Category:DC Comics]]
[[Category:2011 video games]]
[[Category:Batman: Arkham (series)]]</text>
      <sha1>id40ro77uixohb41r4i1t6um9uc8v97</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147824</id>
      <parentid>3147823</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T22:09:13Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1700:C361:A40:511B:C420:E00E:10A4</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Dialogue */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="16584" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Batman: Arkham City|Batman: Arkham City]]''''' is a 2011 [[w:Action-adventure game|action-adventure]] [[w:video game|video game]] developed by [[w:Rocksteady Studios|Rocksteady Studios]] and released by [[w:Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment|Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment]]. ''Arkham City'' is written by veteran ''Batman'' writer [[w:Paul Dini|Paul Dini]] with Paul Crocker and Sefton Hill, and is based on the franchise's long-running comic book mythos. In the game's main storyline, Batman is incarcerated in Arkham City, a massive new super-prison enclosing the decaying urban slums of fictional [[w:Gotham City|Gotham City]]. He must uncover the secret behind Arkham's sinister Protocol 10 while protecting inmates from the notorious criminals housed there. The game's leading characters are predominantly voiced by actors from the [[w:DC animated universe|DC Animated Universe]], with [[w:Kevin Conroy|Kevin Conroy]] and [[w:Mark Hamill|Mark Hamill]] reprising their roles as Batman and the [[w:Joker (comics)|Joker]], respectively. 

== Batman/Bruce Wayne ==
* ''[to Catwoman]'' You're not safe here... no one is. 
* This is not a time for negotiation.
* ''[to Mr. Freeze]'' Today is not a good day to push me, Victor.
* Where's Ra's? If he's dead again, I need you to wake him up. 
* ''[to Ra's Al Ghul]'' You've become what you've always fought against, and I will stop you.

== The Joker ==
* Surprise! You fell for the ol' fake Joker gag, Batman.
* Good evening, troops! This is General J with a quick update on what's going down here in Arkham City. As you can see, I'm looking much better. In fact... Ohhhh. I think I'm looking better than ever. Ha! Oh, I can hear you all now: &quot;How did this happen?&quot; &quot;Can I get me some of that crazy cure?!&quot; &quot;I want answers, damn it! Now!&quot; Well, here's the thing. Answers don't give you everlasting satisfaction. Sometimes you need to brace yourself for disappointment. Think about it. Imagine your favourite TV show. You've been through it all. The ups, the downs, the crazy coincidences, and then: Bang! They tell you what it's all about. Would you be happy? Does it make sense? How come it all [[w:Lost (TV series)|ended in a church]]? You guys just need to know one simple thing. I'm back. Back for good! Now arm yourselves, boys. We've got a prison break to plan. No hostages. No surrender. Oh, I know. It sounds like suicide, but listen. Whatever happens. I'll be right behind you.

== Catwoman/Selina Kyle ==
* ''[after dodging a sniper bullet]'' This place is dangerous... I like it! 
* Sorry to disappoint you boys. It's just little ol' me.

== Professor Hugo Strange ==
* How does it feel, Wayne, to stand on the very stones that ran with your parents' blood?  Do you feel sad?  Full of rage?  Or does that outfit help bury your feelings, hiding your true self?  Oh, you are a truly extraordinary specimen.  I look forward to breaking you... 
* I feel I should thank you.  Capturing Bruce Wayne is so much easier than capturing Batman, and now that we have you, Protocol 10 is ready to commence.  It will be my legacy. A monument to your failure.  And if you try to stop me, I guarantee everyone will know your secret. 
* Lower your weapons.  Mr. Wayne will not be any trouble, will you, Mr. Wayne?  The cuffs can stay on.  We don't want to make things too easy for him.
* Stop right there, Batman! We need to talk, and I know you wouldn't be able to live with yourself if your actions caused this poor man to die... I have a question for you. Before my arrival, this city was drowning under a tide of filth. Had you ever considered that all this is ''your fault''? Your presence creates these animals. Like germs they spread. You created the environment that allowed the germ to mutate, to become stronger. Look at the Joker. Would he even ''exist'' if not for you? It must be depressing: all your sacrifices and yet you are the one to blame! Oh, this is beautiful! We have at long last defeated the great Batman! Soon, I will take my rightful place at my Master's side... We will rule over this world... So thank you, Batman, for all your help... Now... '''KILL HIM!'''
* ''[Final words]'' Computer: Activate Protocol 11... Passcode: Wayne...

== Mr. Freeze/Dr. Victor Fries ==
* I will turn your blood to ice!
* Death is cold, Batman. 
* You will bring me Nora... or you will die!
* Have you ever seen a flower die? Watched something that was once so beautiful, so full of life, collapse and rot from within? 
* You are in my world now, Batman.
* I learn from my mistakes, Batman. Do you?

== Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot ==
* Welcome to hell! 
* ''[to Batman]'' Look around you. This horrible bunch of psychopaths are all begging to join up with me, but unfortunately for them, I only take the best. And today, the best means whoever can kill you. Come on out, lads, it's initiation time.
* Nighty-night! ''[knocks out Wayne]''
* What the hell is happening down there? Hello! Is someone gonna answer me? I give you one simple task: stick up a couple of freaking machines. And what? You couldn't even get that right? I hope Batman broke every bone in your stupid bodies. I hope you lie in there, desperately trying to breathe through fractured ribs and punctured lungs. And if you're not, you better summon whatever strength you've got left and run. 'Cause after I'm done with the bat, you're all next!
* ''[to Batman]'' Hold still, ya wanker!

== The Riddler/Edward Nygma ==
* Do you admit that I am smarter than a bat?
* You are all experiencing fear in anticipation of some specific pain or danger. This is perfectly understandable.
* Explore! Find my challenges! And when you fail to solve them and lie blubbering like an ignorant child on the floor, you will know, that the Riddler is better than you! 

==Other==
:'''Commissioner Gordon''': What the hell happened in there? Batman, what happened?
:'''Harley Quinn''': Shhhhh, there there... ''[singing]'' Hush, little baby, don't say a word / Momma's gonna kill for you the whole damn world.
:'''Two-Face''': ''[to Catwoman]'' Heads or tail, kitty cat? 
:'''Tyger 4''': We have positive ID on Batman. He is kicking all kinds of ass down there.

==Dialogue==

:''[Opening Lines, amidst shock torture]''
:'''Hugo Strange''': Wake up, Mr. Wayne.  We have much to discuss... 
:'''Bruce Wayne''': ...Strange?  You won't get away with this!
:'''Hugo Strange''':  I already have. ''(Shocks Wayne again)''  I assume that you thought yourself untouchable?  Well, as you can see, ''no one'' is untouchable.  ''(Shocks him again)''
:'''Bruce Wayne''':  Shut Arkham City down!  It's out of control!
:'''Hugo Strange''':  ''Shut it down?''  By the end of tonight, I will be a hero.  Just like you...  '''BATMAN!'''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Joker''': Get back here, Harley! ''[coughs]''
:'''Harley Quinn''': But I want to know who he is, sweetie.
:'''Joker''': No one's who you think they are, my dear. Why spoil the fun?
:'''Batman''': It was all a lie. There's nothing wrong with you. 
:'''Joker''': Nice of you to say, but you of all people should know… there's ''plenty'' wrong with me. ''[holds up a vial of his blood]'' Take my blood for example. I wish somebody would… This stuff is killing me!
:'''Batman''': Why should I care?
:'''Joker''': Because now there's a teeny little bit of me in you too, Bats. ''[Batman turns around to see that Joker has injected his own blood in him]'' Oh, come on. Don't tell me it's not what you always wanted. Look, we're running out of time, I need your help. I nearly had a cure; it was so close and then it was taken from me.
:'''Batman''': So we both die. I'm fine with that.
:'''Joker''': Are you? Imagine, sucking down that last breath, knowing that Gotham is doing the same.
:'''Batman''': What are you talking about?
:'''Joker''': Oh, didn't I say? I've spent weeks shipping samples of my blood to emergency rooms all over the city.
:'''Batman''': So, that's Protocol Ten. Poison Gotham. I expected more.
:'''Joker''': Protocol Ten? ''[gasps]'' Never heard of it. ''[leans into Batman's ear]'' Hold tight. ''[kicks Batman's wheelchair, bursting him out through the window]'' I'll be in touch!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Batman''': Let's just talk about this…
:'''Joker''': Now you want to talk? 
:''[pointing a gun to Talia's head]'' 
:'''Joker''': Too late, Batman!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Batman, after drinking a portion of the cure and destroying the machinery that operates the Lazarus Pit, wakes up after being knocked out. The Joker calls out to Batman from the darkness.]''
:'''Joker''': Quick, the cure! What are you waiting for? Come on! I killed your girlfriend, poisoned Gotham, and hell... it's not even breakfast. But so what? We all know you'll save me. 
:'''Batman''': ''[pondering whether or not to give the cure to the Joker]'' Every decision you've ever made ends with death and misery. People die. I stop you. You'll just break out and do it again.
:'''Joker''': ''[chuckles darkly]'' Think of it as a running gag!
:''[the Joker leaps out of the darkness and stabs Batman in the shoulder, causing him to drop the vial containing the cure, shattering it]'' 
:'''Joker''': '''''NO!'''''
:''[Batman pulls out the knife while the Joker drops to the floor and begins desperately trying to grab some of the cure]''
:'''Joker''': Are you happy now? 
:'''Batman''': Do you want to know something funny? Even after everything you've done, I would have saved you. 
:'''Joker''': ''[laughs, coughing]'' That actually is… pretty funny… ''[starts laughing and coughing, then gasping for air and finally dies, smiling]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Batman''': I told you I'd find her. 
:'''Mr. Freeze''': Thank you, Batman. I am sorry I doubted you.
:'''Batman''': Just fix her and quit this life. You're better than this.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Penguin''': So, Batman, you 'ere for the cops, the ice man, or me? ''[laughs]''
:'''Batman''': I was only here for Freeze and the hostages, but now, I'm taking you down too. 
:'''Penguin''': Ooh, aren't you scary. 
:'''Batman''': You're about to find out. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Penguin''': Well, look who it is. What's up, Batman? Did a little bird tell you that Two-Face was back? 
:'''Batman''': I'm surprised he didn't kill you. What did you do, hide? 
:'''Penguin''': Who do you think you're talking to? Oswald Cobblepot doesn't hide from anyone, understand? He just… he just didn't see me, that's all. 
:'''Batman''': How convenient. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Batman''': You're finished, Cobblepot. 
:'''Penguin''': No! I'm sorry. Please don't hurt me. 
:'''Batman''': I can't guarantee that.
:'''Penguin''': ''[pulls out detonator]'' Me neither. 
:''[the platform Batman is standing on explodes]'' 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mad Hatter''': More tea, Batman?
:'''Batman''': Where am I? What's going on?
:'''Mad Hatter''': What a question! Shall I tell you? ''[laughing]'' You look so confused, maybe I should! Well, it's quite simple, really. I planted a teeny-tiny little idea in your head. A sort of remote hypnotic suggestion, very complicated stuff. I'm sure you wouldn't understand, but as you can see, it worked! You're mine now! You're mine, and there's nothing that Strange can do about it. Oh, are you not going to drink your tea? It's special tea! My special tea! My &quot;specialty&quot;. ''[giggles]''
:'''Batman''': Go to hell, Jervis.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Batman''': Don't ''ever'' try to get in my head again, Hatter. 
:'''Mad Hatter''': But you don't understand, I ''need'' you! I can't win without you... 
:'''Batman''': Then you lose. I'm not your slave. Not now, not ever. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Catwoman''': Figured you could use my help. 
:'''Batman''': You're right, I think I chipped a nail back there. 
:'''Catwoman''': You stick to the brooding. I'll handle the wisecracks.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Catwoman''': No gun, Harv? Shame. This is gonna hurt. 
:'''Two-Face''': ''[draws his backup]'' Two guns, bitch!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Two-Face''': ''[speaking to himself]'' The only way to get by in this place is to get ourselves some respect...  
:'''Two-Face''': ...Fear! That's how we get respect! Show them all how we do things! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Talia al Ghul''': Thousands of warriors have fallen in pursuit of the Demon. Would-be successors have proven to be nothing more than children battling the enormity of creation. 
:'''Batman''': I've seen worse. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Oracle''': Bruce? Where the hell have you been? I thought you were dead.
:'''Batman''': Sorry to disappoint you.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Shut Arkham City down! It's out of control! 
:'''Hugo Strange''': Shut it down? By the end of tonight, I will be a hero. Just like you... Batman.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Batman''': I didn't need your help. 
:'''Robin''': Really? That's not what it looked like from where I was standing.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Inmate 1''': Do these things even work underground? I read the manual, it never said anything about working underground. 
:'''Inmate 2''': Yeah, they work.
:'''Inmate 1''': If you say so.
:'''Inmate 2''': Since when have you been all about reading, anyway?
:'''Inmate 1''': I read.
:'''Inmate 2''': Porn don't count.
:'''Inmate 1''': Screw you.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Penguin''': ''[blows up a bridge]'' See, I told you it would work. Blow the bridges and cut off the clown's forces. Easy. 
:'''Inmate''': But Mr. Cobblepot, we're stuck too. 
:'''Penguin''': So? 
:'''Inmate''': We can't get back. 
:'''Penguin''': And your point is? 
:'''Inmate''': Well, it's just... you've left us over here with the Joker's crew. 
:'''Penguin''': Try and take some of them down before you die, son. ''[laughs]''
:'''Inmate''': You bastard. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Tyger 4''': All units, this is Air TYGER 4. We have confirmation that Prisoner 4011 is in the courthouse. I repeat, Catwoman is in the courthouse. 
:'''Hugo Strange''': Is she in danger? 
:'''Tyger 4''': Affirmative. Target is being held by Dent. We believe he intends to kill her. How should we proceed? 
:'''Hugo Strange''': ''[chuckles]'' Stand down. Let Two Face have his fun. 
:'''Tyger 4''': Understood. 
:'''Batman''': That doesn't sound good. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jack Ryder''': Bruce Wayne? Great, here I was reporting on your crummy press conference, and now here we both are. I guess that'll teach you to get involved in politics, won't it?
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Listen to me carefully, when they open the door, do not panic. Stay close to me. 
:'''Jack Ryder''': Do you think I'm taking advice from some guy who's never even been in a fight? 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After Catwoman's failed attempt to retrieve Ivy's plant from the TYGER vault]''
:'''Poison Ivy''': Where have you been?! Where is my... You haven't got it, have you?
:'''Catwoman''': Yeah, about that. Look, Red, it wasn't my fault. Strange didn't--
:'''Poison Ivy''': I'll kill him!
:'''Catwoman''': Be my guest.
:'''Poison Ivy''': I'll kill all of you!
:'''Catwoman''': Okay, then... I think I'll be going now.
:'''Poison Ivy''': Yes, go! Join the rest of the meat. I'll destroy them all. First Strange, then Gotham - no one will be safe!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mad Hatter''': Are you Alice?
:'''Catwoman''': Sorry, Jervis, it's me - Catwoman?
:'''Mad Hatter''': Alice! I need my Alice...!
:'''Catwoman''': Wow, Strange really did a number on you, didn't he? Listen, I'm going to go and find Alice, okay? I hear she's with the Cheshire Cat... somewhere.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Catwoman''': Well, isn't this nice? I guess Batman found your wife after all.
:'''Mr. Freeze''': Yes. My beautiful Nora is now safe.
:'''Catwoman''': So, is now a good time to talk to you about an idea I had to steal the Pharoah's diamond from the Egyptian Museum? It's really hot there and, well, all this latex really makes a girl sweat...!
:'''Mr. Freeze''': ''[sternly]'' Leave me with my wife, Catwoman.
:'''Catwoman''': Just asking, Freeze, just asking.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Catwoman''': ''[sees Penguin trapped in a display case]'' What the hell are you supposed to be? 
:'''Penguin''': Piss off! 
:'''Catwoman''': Really? Okay, if you insist. Oh, I forgot to say: speak to me like that again, Penguin, and I'll show you just what it feels like for a poor little bird to be torn apart by a cat. 
:'''Penguin''': Please, don't hurt me! I didn't mean it! 
:'''Catwoman''': That's much nicer. See, you can be nice, Oswald. See you around.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{imdb title|1568322/|Batman: Arkham City}}

[[Category:DC Comics]]
[[Category:2011 video games]]
[[Category:Batman: Arkham (series)]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>WCW Monday Nitro</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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    <revision>
      <id>3147976</id>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-27T02:30:56Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Eaglestorm</username>
        <id>16205</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* March 19 */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="68566" xml:space="preserve">[[w:WCW Monday Nitro|WCW Monday Nitro]] was a professional wrestling program that aired on TNT Monday nights from September 4th, 1995 to March 26 2001.

== 1995 ==
=== September 4 ===
:''[Recent ex-WWF talent Lex Luger shows up at the beginning of the Sting/Ric Flair matchup.]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': ''[notices Lex]'' Oooh, what in the hell is he doing here?! Get the camera off of him!
:'''Steve &quot;Mongo&quot; McMichael''': What is this?
:'''Bobby &quot;The Brain&quot; Heenan''': Wait a minute. He's got a right to be here, this is a [[w:Mall of America|public mall]].
:'''Eric''': Get him out of here!
:'''Steve''': Somebody call the security guards!
:'''Eric''': ''(crowd starts chanting &quot;Luger! Luger!&quot;)'' What?! Get the security and get him out of here!
:'''Bobby''': What's he doing wrong? What is he doing wrong?
:'''Steve''': This is just unabashed arrogance.
:'''Eric''': We have a major problem here.
:'''Bobby''': We have a situation starting here. A big one.
:'''Eric''': I want to know what he's doing here.
:'''Bobby''': Well don't ask me! Get on the headsets to the truck, ask somebody.

=== December 18 ===
:''[Madusa makes her way to the announce booth at the start of the show.]''
:'''Madusa''': All right. Can it everyone! ''[to Mongo]'' You too bad dog! I am Madusa, always have been Madusa and always will be Madusa. This is the WWF Women's Championship belt.
:'''Eric''': Whoa... Whoa! Wait a minute. ''[sees Madusa pick up a trash can and dump the belt in it]'' What? Look...that indeed it is!
:'''Steve''': ''[as Madusa does the act]'' Not in the trash can!
:'''Madusa''': And that's what I think of the WWF Women's Championship belt. This is the WCW, I am now in the WCW and they used to call me Alundra Blayze. But not anymore because this is where the big boys play and now this is where the big girls play! ''[dumps mic in the trash can as well]''
:'''Eric''': Holy smokes! Madusa, the WWF Women's Championship and the belt right here on Nitro. The belt in the trash can and I tell you what, I'm in shock! Wow!
:'''Steve''': Oh she got covered, she just got sucked up on that one in Connecticut, didn't she?
:'''Eric''': I'll tell you what...
:'''Bobby''': What a doll.

== 1996 ==
=== May 27 ===
:'''Tony Schiavone''': Welcome back live to the first hour of this edition of ''WCW Monday Nitro'' on TNT! Tony Schiavone and Larry Zbyszko. And we are taking a look at the Mauler completely maul his opponent Steve Doll.
:'''Larry Zbyszko''': Well you know, Steve Doll's trying to get an offensive going.
:'''Tony''': ''[notices the crowd suddenly standing up for a [[w:Scott Hall|large man]] who just came in through the audience]'' Wait a minute! What the hell is going on here?
:'''Larry''': But the Mauler, well he just got reversed right there. The Mauler runs him down.
:'''Tony''': That's not what I'm talking about.
:'''Larry''': What are you talking about?!
:''[The man, Scott Hall, leaps over the railing]''
:'''Tony''': Look here.
:'''Larry''': Well, what the hell?
:'''Scott Hall''': Get me a mic!
:'''Larry''': What's with this?
:'''Tony''': We need security out here. I have no idea, wait a minute! I can't believe what we're seeing.
:'''Hall''': ''[climbing into the ring]'' Hey, you people, you know who I am, but you don't know why I'm here. Where is Billionaire Ted? Where is the Nacho Man? That punk can't even get in the building. Me, I go wherever I want, whenever I want. And where, oh where is Scheme Gene? 'Cause I've got a scoop for you. When that Ken-doll lookalike, when that weatherman wannabe comes out here later tonight, I got a challenge for him, for Billionaire Ted, for the Nacho Man and for anybody else in uh...WCW, huh-huh-huh. Hey, you want to go to war? You want a war? You're gonna get one! ''[leaves]''
:'''Tony''': Fans, what about the match? I don't know what to say. Randy Anderson's coming-- Randy. Randy, what's going on here? What about the match, Randy? What's going on? The match. Fans, we've gotta go to a break.
:'''Larry''': The match left!
:'''Tony''': I have no idea what to say. Stay with us. Geez.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Scott Hall''': Hey, lookie here.
:'''Eric Bischoff''': You wanted to say some-
:'''Hall''': ''[as Eric talks]'' Ken doll, you got such a big mouth and we, we are sick of it.
:'''Eric''': What do you mean? Who's we?
:'''Hall''': You know who. This is where the &quot;big boys play&quot;? What a joke! I tell you what, you go tell Billionaire Ted, you tell him, &quot;Get three of his very very best.&quot; Maybe the Nacho Man! &quot;Oooooooh....No.&quot; Hey, maybe he can get the Stinger! Ooooh, I'm so scared. You go get anybody you want because we...
:'''Eric''': Who do you mean &quot;We&quot;?
:'''Hall''': We are taking over. You wanna go to war? You wanna war? You got one. Only, only let's do it right. In the ring where it matters. Not in no microphones. Not in no newspapers or dirtsheets. Let's do it in the ring where it matters. If uh, if Billionaire Ted and his big boys, if they got any, uh guts...
:'''Eric''': You're stepping over the line.
:'''Hall''': Because we are coming down here and like it or not, 
:'''Eric''': Not.
:'''Hall''': We are taking over. ''[throws his toothpick at Eric.]''
:'''Eric''': ''[calmly]'' You're outta here.
:'''Hall''': If you say so!
:'''Eric''': You're outta here. ''[visibly shaken, looks at Heenan, then recomposes]'' I don't know what to say. We'll see you next week.

===June 3===
:''[Scott Hall appears again at the announce booth]''
:'''Scott Hall''': Just relax ''chico''. Yo, Ken Doll, I had such a good time last week that I came back for more.
:'''Eric''': Look there's no reason...
:'''Scott Hall''': Look, look, look, relax man, relax. You started it. You want to go to war? You got a war. You started it, we gonna finish it.
:'''Eric''': What do you mean &quot;We&quot;? You come up with this We stuff.
:'''Scott Hall''': You know who man. You know who. Did Daddy Warbucks? Did he get his money yet?
:'''Eric''': ''[sees [[w:Steve Borden|Sting]] come out]'' Wait a minute, Stinger. Not here, not now. Don't even dignify it man.
:'''Sting''': You came out here last week and said some real horrible things about WCW. Some real horrible things about the Hulkster, about the Macho Man, about the Stinger. Somewhere along the way, you got lost because do you have any idea where you are? You're in the jungle baby! This is WCW! That's right! Hold on! And every week you come out here and you say you want three of the best.
:'''Scott Hall''': That's right man, three of the best.
:'''Sting''': You want three of the best, I don't see two of you. All I see is you and me. So why don't we just do this one on one right here, right now!
:'''Scott Hall''': Yo, yo, you wanna fight man? You wanna fight? You got one. Only, no one tells me what to do and ''chico'', nobody tells me when to do it. ''[throws his toothpick at Sting. Sting responds by slapping Hall]'' Ok, ok tough guy. I got a little, no, I got big surprise for you next week.

=== June 10===
:''[Scott Hall shows up again]''
:'''Eric''': Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I don't want any trouble from you. I don't want any trouble with you here, now, but I don't have to point out. You came out here last week. Where is it, the big surprise? I mean I heard a lot of talk but where's the walk? ''[Hall points behind Eric]'' What? Where is he?
:''[Kevin Nash, formerly known as Diesel in the WWF, appears from behind and grabs the mike]''
:'''Kevin Nash''': You've been sitting out here for six months running your mouth. This is where the big boys play, huh? Look at the adjective, play [''sic'']. We ain't here to play! Now, he ''[referring to Hall]'' said last week that he was going to bring somebody out here. I'm here. You still don't have your three people and do you know why? Because nobody wants to face us. This show's about as interesting as Marge Schott reading excerpts from ''Mein Kampf''.
:'''Eric''': No trouble tonight, man. Speak your piece and...
:'''Nash''': Yeah, no trouble cause you know, I'll kick your teeth down your throat. Where are these three guys? You know you couldn't get a paleontologist to get these fossils cleared? You ain't got enough guys off a dialysis machine to get a team? Yeah, where's [[w:Hulk Hogan|Hogan]]? Where's Hogan? Out doing another episode of ''[[w:Thunder in Paradise|Blunder in Paradise]]''? Where's the Macho Man huh? Doing some Slim Jim commercial? Hey, we're here! You wanna say something?
:'''Eric''': Look, I don't have the authority right here right now. You want a fight? Fight isn't within me. You want to face three guys? Tomorrow morning at 9:00, I'm going to be in Atlanta. I'll be in the offices of WCW. I'll try and get you your fight and do you know what? Live this Sunday in Baltimore, Great American Bash, you guys want to show up? You want a fight? You show up and I'll see if I can get you your fight.
:'''Nash''': I don't know about you but they love us in Baltimore.
:'''Scott Hall''': Hey big man, I say me and you, we be at the Bash. Maybe these punks want a fight.
:'''Nash''': Yeah, bring what you got! The measuring stick just changed around here buddy. You're looking at it. ''[Tosses Bischoff around before he and Hall leave]''

===July 8===
:'''Mean Gene Okerlund''': Sting, a very somber mood tonight. I can't believe it. I can feel it, you can feel it. These people continue to make our lives very very tenuous. They did it again tonight right in the middle of your match with Arn Anderson. But lets go back to last night. What's your sense of what's happened at the ''Bash at the Beach''?
:'''Sting''': I am not at all surprised. What happened last night, I'm not surprised about coming from the two outsiders. But I will say I'm very very surprised at you Hulk Hogan. But I should've known. I should've known that when you were traveling to every town in that big fat limo. I should've known because you didn't want to travel with the Macho Man, the Total Package and the Stinger. Uhn-uhn, you were too busy making big movies and coming in for a little cameo appearance! You were too busy walking on the dark side! I should've known when you referred to the Macho Man, the Total Package and me as &quot;three little dogs&quot; waiting for a chance to wrestle the great Hulk Hogan. I should've known when I looked into your eyes. Do you know something, I made a mistake. But you made a bigger mistake because last night, you wiped out and trashed every single little kid, every single person that was a part of your life, that patterned their life after you! You told them to believe in the man upstairs! You told them to say their prayers and to take their vitamins! You told them to believe in themselves and you know something? It's a good thing you told them to believe in themselves because they sure as heck can't believe in you!
:'''Mean Gene''': By the way--
:'''Sting''': ''[grabs mike]'' And last but not least, to put the cherry on the top, all those little kids, you told them to stick it! No, you stick it Hulk! YOU STICK IT!
:'''Mean Gene''': That is very strong. By the way, as fate would have it, these two men and their partner last night. Lex Luger got knocked out early by the action so the two of you had to go at it against the Outsiders. But Macho Man Randy Savage, you were very close with Hulk Hogan as I was. You were part of the Mega Powers. And if anybody got it stuck up, stuck up, well, stuck to him, you really got it stuck to you.
:'''Randy Savage''': I got a message for Hollywood Hogan. What I want to tell you and what I want to do to you, I can't say here on television especially at Disney. But you take the worst thing you can think about and you multiply it by the number nine million and then you multiply it by infinity and beyond, it would be just like one grain of sand in the Sahara desert brother. Because, it's really really scary. What I'm thinking and going to do to you, yeah!

=== July 15th ===
:'''[[w:Gene Okerlund|Mean Gene]]''': Hulk Hogan, Outsiders, you have led us down the primrose path!
:'''Hulk Hogan''': Well you know something Gene-o, I wish I would've done this two years ago brother because the New World Order is taking over professional wrestling. Hulk Hogan is bigger than the sport of professional wrestling. And with the Outsiders, the new blood, the foundation of the New World Order, we shall rule the wrestling world Mean Gene!
:'''Mean Gene''': [[What about the children]]? You know about the thousands and thousands of telephone calls that came into WCW. Every man, woman and child on the face of the earth is totally disgusted with you Hulk Hogan, including myself!
:'''Hulk Hogan''': We all know about the training, the prayers and the vitamins brother and like I said, these people out here, after I led their children down the right path had the gall to boo Hulk Hogan one more time. You fans can stick it brother!
:'''Mean Gene''': Wait a minute, I think Sting and Eric Bischoff brought it up earlier on. I think Sting said it best earlier on when he retorted &quot;Hulk Hogan, ''you'' can stick it!&quot;
:'''Hulk Hogan''': Well you know something brother, as far as people like Sting go, ten years ago when I shook his hand in Venice Beach, he was a skinny little bodybuilder. And when he laid his eyes on Hulk Hogan, he was shaking in his boots. I heard all the crying from the so called Macho Man. For three years, he blamed his divorce, the fact that he couldn't rise to the occasion on Hulk Hogan brother. And over and over and over and over again this past week, I've heard WCW blame Hulk Hogan for their problems. The only problem is I'm the greatest wrestler in the world, I made professional wrestling, I will always be bigger than wrestling and with these two friends of mine, the New World Order shall rule the wrestling world!
:'''Eric''': This conceited jerk!
:'''Mean Gene''': You call these guys friends? You know about this man's background and this man's background, this nWo, Where is it going to go? Who's going to be a part of it? I think that's the question we're all asking ourselves and I'm going to ask you.
:'''Hulk Hogan''': Well these are the renegades brother! These are the men that when I open the door brother, they had the guts enough to walk through it. These are the guys that are going to set the trend for the nineties. They will lead Hulk Hogan and professional wrestling to its destiny. But these guys are just the foundation. The thing that everybody, the people out there don't realize is as I build my empire, will there be more outsiders that I bring in? Or will it be people that are so close to Ted Turner, maybe Eric Bischoff's friends. Who knows man? Maybe the guys that are in the locker room right now. There's always been a double loyalty man. In this business, they've been loyal to the promoters who have paid their bills and they've also been loyal to Hulk Hogan. Because they know where Hulk Hogan goes, that's where professional wrestling goes.
:'''Mean Gene''': You have to vent all of this on these people, the peers of this business. How about the kids that have looked up to you for years and years and now it comes down to this? And this is a pretty good example of the way your life is going to go Hulk Hogan.
:'''Hulk Hogan''': Well you know dude, I laid it out straight for all those kids, brother. They didn't want to follow the path, so I'm done with them! But as far as I'm concerned, I'm not going to mess with that skinny little Macho Man or that crybaby Sting. I'm going right to the top of the ladder, brother! And at ''Hog Wild'', brother, on August the 10th, if the [[w:Paul Wight|Giant]] has got guts enough, I'm going to dismantle the whole Ted Turner organization in one night. We're going to take the WCW belt, make it the New World Order belt and we shall reign supreme from that day forward. And as far as I'm concerned brother, if Ted Turner has any boys in the back that have any guts at all, come on out right now! We'll beat up the whole WCW right now, and what are they gonna do?!!

=== September 16===
:''[Sting comes down to the ring with a microphone]''
:'''Sting''': ''[with his back turned to the main camera]'' I want a chance to explain something that happened last Monday night on ''Nitro''. Last Monday night, I was on an airplane flying from L.A. to Atlanta. When I got to Atlanta, I tuned in the TV to ''Nitro'' and I thought I was watching a rerun. It was a very convincing film. Often imitated but never duplicated though and what else did I see? I saw people, I saw wrestlers, I saw commentators and I saw best friends, doubt the Stinger. That's right, doubt the Stinger. So, I heard Lex Luger say &quot;I know where Sting lives, I know where he works out, I'm gonna go get him!&quot; So I said to myself, &quot;I'll just go into [[seclusion]]. I'll wait and see what happens on ''Saturday Night''.&quot; And I tuned in ''Saturday Night'' and what did I see? I saw more of the same, more doubt. Which brings me to ''Fall Brawl''. I knew I had to get to ''Fall Brawl'' to get face to face with the Total Package to let him know that it wasn't me and what I got out of that was, &quot;No, Sting. I DON'T BELEIVE YOU STING!&quot; Well, all I've got to say is, I have been mediator, I have been babysitter, I've given him the benefit of the doubt about a thousand times in the last twelve months! I have carried the WCW banner and I have given my blood, my sweat and my tears for WCW! So for all of those fans out there and all of those wrestlers and people who've never doubted the Stinger, I'll stand by you if you stand by me. But, for all of the people, all of the commentators, all of the wrestlers and all of the best friends who did doubt me, you can stick it! From now on, I consider myself a free agent. But that doesn't mean you won't see the Stinger. From time to time, I'm going to pop in when you least expect it. 

=== November 18===
:''[The show opens with the Outsiders in the ring with chairs having laid out the Nasty Boys and High Voltage. They go down to ringside where Tony and Larry are standing.]''
:'''Larry''': Not again. Not again with this!
:'''Tony''': What's the problem here?
:'''Kevin Nash''': Does this work? Nice to see you dressed up this week, Larry! (to Tony) Hey, I don't see you laughing today huh?
:'''Scott Hall''': Funny guy, huh?
:'''Kevin Nash''': I was so funny last week right? Funny like a clown right? Were you laughing at me? I ain't so funny tonight am I? You see, we can put this on any time we want. I can be funny, I can be deadly and so can this man! Hey, let me ask you a question.
:'''Scott Hall''': You got the bad neck, right?
:'''Kevin Nash''': You got the bad neck, right? Do you want to pick up your kids, huh?
:'''Tony''': (to Larry who's not standing up for Tony) Do you want to step in here?
:'''Larry''': Hey, you're the one that laughed at them. They let me know what I think.
:'''Kevin Nash''': You talk about a triangle match, right? There's two of the combatants laid out right now.
:'''Scott Hall''': You know, what I want to know is I've been hearing my whole career how scary the Faces of Fear are. They say, everybody says that Meng and the Barbarian are the two toughest guys in the business. Well you tell those two islanders, come on out here and we'll slap that coconut breath out of you. Tell them to come on down. You can't have a Pay Per View in WCW without inviting the nWo.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Larry''': You can't be upset by what happened. These guys are thugs, they're paid by Dibiase and you're okay. So relax about it, don't be all upset.
:'''Tony''': Yeah well, I don't need to be pushed around. I'm not a wrestler. You're a wrestler. So why didn't you step in front for me? How long have we been friends?
:'''Larry''': You're okay and I'm not Clint Eastwood.
:'''Tony''': Well I can only say this and I'm going to apologize to everybody because I've never done this before at all. But I don't need to be pushed around. I've got five children. I've got a wife. I've got a great job. I'll tell you what, big mouth! Why don't you go ahead? Why don't you go ahead and step in front of me? Why don't you handle the broadcast? Why don't you try play-by-play?
:'''Larry''': Don't get upset!
:'''Tony''': I don't need guys who are seven feet tall coming out here! (takes off his headset and walks away)
:'''Larry''': I don't need guys seven feet tall either coming out here!

== 1997 ==
===February 10===
:''[Randy Anderson appears with his family to appeal to Eric Bischoff about hiring him back after the events of Souled Out]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': Kids come on up here. It's all right Randy. It's all right, kids, could you do me a favor. Would you please tell your daddy... that he's ''still fired? [NWO laughs]'' Would you do that for me?
:'''Montana Anderson''': Please, Mr Bischoff!
:'''Bischoff''': Montana please, tell your daddy he's fired, get on with his life.
:'''Kevin Nash''': ''[mocks]'' Do it for little Tiny Tim!
:'''Syxx''': God bless us everyone!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Tony Schiavone and Larry Zbyszko review the Piper/Hogan match footage at Starrcade 1996 that Eric Bischoff confiscated and was somehow played, but when the tape suddenly stops as if it was taken off playback, just as Randy Anderson was about to count off Hogan as submitting to Piper...]''
:'''Tony Schiavone''': What's going on here?
:'''Zbyszko''': Well that wasn't nothing...
:'''Schiavone''': We did not get this - ''[talks to production crew on the headset]'' what happened? Can anybody tell me what happened? The tape stopped? The tape broke?
:'''Zbyszko''': Well what happened was -
:'''Schiavone''': Someone's getting the tape in the production truck
:'''Zbyszko''': Who's in the truck?
:'''Schiavone''': We're trying to find out fans, I apologize. I'm just talking to Craig Leathers, Keith Mitchell, in our video production truck. Someone apparently went and you hear the tape queueing up. You saw right there, I mean the hand was going up and it was gonna be the end of Hollywood Hulk Hogan with the sleeper. We all witnessed what happened, Eric Bischoff went into the video truck and grabbed the tape.
:'''Zbyszko''': Well, anyway, the world saw what happened, we knew about it, now the missing footage had been recovered and what happened-
:''[Eric Bischoff confronts the announcers with the tape]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': Don't you ever, don't you EVER, EVER, pull a stunt like that again. You or anybody else in this organization ''[puts down mic and starts tearing out the tape]'' ever, ever again. ''[leaves]'' 
:'''Schiavone''': We'll take a break.
:'''Zbyszko''': He could beat up a tape, that's impressive!

===February 17===
:''[Eric Bischoff is fuming mad at Jimmy Jett passing Randy Anderson brass knuckles during his match with Nick Patrick]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': What do you think you're doing?!? You knocked him out! What is this? What is that? You know better than that! You know better than that! You used to be a referee!
:'''Jimmy Jett''': Hey he won the match-
:'''Bischoff''': You used to be a referee!! You are nothing! ''[to Anderson]'' And YOU. I saw it! Let me, let me tell you what you won. Now, you just won a permanent vacation and you are fired! Fired! Spell it, F-I-R-E-D! Leave the building now! Now! You're fired! 
:'''Jett''': It's not fair
:'''Bischoff''': It's not fair! Take those with you!

===September 1===  
:''[the NWO comes out spoofing the Four Horsemen, with Kevin Nash as Arn Anderson]''
:'''Kevin Nash''': I take care of Horsemen business. Before I go any further: Let me all of the Horsemen out here know one thing: Guys, the beer is on ice. You know something, it's pretty ironic that on Labour Day WCW would decide to honor me cause anybody who followed my career knows one thing: You were always wondering when I was gonna go into labour.

:You know I sat back that day and I watched that highlight tape of my career and I said to myself: You know: I'm a guy of average size, average speed, average quickness, average looks, average intelligence, average carpentry skills - but you know what? I parlayed that into a wrestling career that I might say so myself was quite excellent. But you know something? Four months ago, I had a neck injury. Subsequently I lost the feeling in my hand, my left hand. The significance of that: That's the hand I open beer with. But you know something? I willed myself back from that injury. I got to the gym - I didn't do anything there, I walked around - but I got to the gym. And you know what? I started a comeback.

:But about a week ago, I went to the neighborhood bar, I bellied up against the bar like only I can and a fat broad - that's right, a fat broad - came up and smacked me in the back. That sent a chill down me... same fat broads that've been following the Horsemen for 20 years. But as I looked at that longneck laying on that cheap industrial grey carpentry, I said to myself: How ironic. That wasn't so much that I was out three dollars and 75 cents, what it was to me was sand tickin' down through the hourglass - and everybody knows, so are the days of our lives. ''[Syxx imitates Ric Flair crying]'' You know one thing you can say, when Arn Anderson was comin' to town - beside the fact that I left a lot of unpaid bar tabs - was Arn Anderson was comin' to town. And you knew if I was on the card, how I was gonna give you 100 per cent - no matter how drunk, how hung over I was. I was gonna give you all ahead. And back in those days before the nWo, you eight people that bought those tickets, got one heck of a show. But you know what? As I come out here tonight, I ask you people: Don't remember how I used to be. Remember me how I look right now. ''[to Konnan as Steve McMichael]'' Good, Mongo!

:''[to Buff Bagwell as Curt Hennig]'' So Curt, that puts me and you and I got a challenge for you. Wait a second, I don't wanna fight you, cause I ain't want one for twenty years. What I got for you is a challenge, because as much as I wanna be a Horseman, I know if I come out here right now, I'd not only put him in danger, I would put my best friends in danger and I can't do that. So what I'm doing tonight is I got a challenge you and I ain't got much to offer you, cause the beer is already spoken for. But what I do got is I got a spot. A spot with the Four Horsemen. Not just a spot, not a liver spot, not a 'Spot' like your dog Spot. No, not just any spot – but myyyyy spot. So I need to know right now: Do you accept it? My spot - not their spot, liver spot, not dog Spot, not anybody's spot, MY spot to become a Four Horsemen. Not my spot, anybody's spot, dog Spot, liver spot, MY spot.

===September 15===
:''[The show opens with footage of Ric Flair after being stitched up in a hospital as a result of last night's Fall Brawl when Curt Hennig slammed the cage door in his head'']
:'''Tony Schiavone''': ''[very shaken up]'' Fans, uh... ''Nitro'', as you can see, is on the air. Before I go into this card, I need to say something that I've really never said before. You know, 13 years ago, I got into this business because of Ric Flair. I was a minor league baseball announcer in this same city. He went to bat for me for the promoters and I became a wrestling announcer and when I look back on what has happened to me, I credit Ric Flair. And you have seen Ric Flair and what hap.......I can't do this show. I'm sorry. ''[takes off his headset and leaves]''

===September 22===
:'''Mean Gene Okerlund''': That's very impressive, a gentleman the stature of Hugh Morrus, and you absolutely got in there and manhandled him tonight. ''[Bill Goldberg just walks away]'' Sir, I've got to get a little bit more than that. Gentleman's just walking away from me.
:'''Larry Zbyszko''': Is he a mute?
:'''Mean Gene''': I can't believe that. Tony, I haven't seen anything like that. Very impressive. But who is this guy Goldberg?

===November 17===
:'''Rick Rude''': Oh what a difference a day makes. Twenty-four little hours. You know and we all have our 15 minutes of fame and I'd like to take a couple of my 15 minutes to talk about the rights and the wrongs in the world of professional wrestling. What's wrong in the world of professional wrestling is Shawn Michaels claiming to be World Champion when he never beat Bret Hart. What's wrong with the world of professional wrestling is for Vince McMahon to instruct the [[w:Montreal Screwjob|referee to ring the bell]] in order to rob Bret Hart of his title. But on the other hand, what's right in the world of professional wrestling is for Bret Hart to abandon the Titanic and swim to the refuge of the nWo. What's right with the world of professional wrestling is nWo's course to destruct WCW. What's right with the world of professional wrestling is for the nWo to beat the living shhhh out of the man called Sting. Now the only thing wrong with that entire situation is that I didn't have the chance to participate. Sting second verse is gonna be same as the first. A little bit rowdier and a whole lot worse, because this time Sting I will partake.

== 1998 ==
===May 11===
:''[Eric Bischoff shoots on DX's recent assaults]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': As I look through the crowd tonight, I wonder what you must be thinking and I wonder what Vince McMahon is thinking. You know because for the last couple of weeks he's been sending his little wannabes around demanding to talk to ''moi''. The only problem with that is, he only sends them where he knows I'm not going to be. That's okay because I've got a little solution. Sean Waltman, you want an apology from me? You actually show up at our offices on a Monday afternoon when I think even you Sean are smart enough to figure out I probably wouldn't be there. As far as the apology goes - bite me! I apologize to no one.

:But I've got a better idea because, Sean, I know you're just a little puppet and you do what Vince McMahon tells you to do, so Vince McMahon, this is for you. I'm coming to your backyard this Sunday. That's right, in Worcester, Massachussetts we've got a little PPV thing going on and I've got a hell of an idea. You want me? I'm gonna be in your back yard. Consider this an open invitation, Vince McMahon. You show up at Slamboree, it will be me and you McMahon, in the ring. How about it, Vinnie? But I want to warn you people right now, if you think Vince McMahon has got the guts to show up, don't buy this PPV because I guarantee you he is not man enough to step into this ring with me. But I'll be there Vinnie Mac, I'll be waiting for you. And I'm going to knock you out. See you there.

===July 6===
:''[The NWO meet somebody who's just arrived and Hogan earlier hinted as somebody Goldberg must defeat first to face him in the main event - Scott Hall]''
:'''Hulk Hogan''': ''[as they walk to the arena]'' You're toast.
:'''Scott Hall''': Can't have a party without me, baby.
:'''Hogan''': That's right brother.
:'''Eric Bischoff''': ''[to Hall]'' God, we missed you!
:'''Hall''': I gotta heat things up.
:'''Bischoff''': Oh and you know how!
:'''Hall''': I gotta heat things up.
:'''Hogan''': I like it.
:'''Curt Hennig''': How you feeling?
:'''Hall''': Too sweet.
:'''Hogan''': Got the party goods, we got the goods for the party, let's go!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Tony Schiavone''': The fans stand, showing their signs, and we are walking with Goldberg, and security from Goldberg's own locker room area following with him all the way to the ring, as you look live back in the locker room area. Surrounding Goldberg, some of Atlanta's finest, Doug Dillinger as well with WCW security, and here they come.
:'''Bobby &quot;The Brain&quot; Heenan''': What's going through his mind right now? I've never been in that situation, going for a world championship, let alone with that list of victories this man has, in his backyard, hometown in front of everybody he played for, played with. What an evening, what drama right now.
:'''Tony''': Long walk for Goldberg, but it's been a long wait since he arrived in the Georgia Dome earlier in the day. So what's another long walk for Goldberg? They're almost down here now.
:''[Goldberg now walks alone]''
:'''Bobby''': Well, Hogan may be taking a long walk too. A ''real'' long walk back to the dressing room empty-handed.
:'''Tony''': But could the unblemished mark, the incredible series of wins by Goldberg come to a crashing end here tonight?
:'''Bobby''': And you know, Tony, if Hogan is to defeat this man, you know what the nWo's gonna be like then with Hogan and Eric Bischoff in charge.
:'''Tony''': ''[as Goldberg reaches the entrance]'' And there he is.
:'''Mike Tenay''': And here comes the eruption.
:'''Bobby''': Bigger than before.
:'''Tony''': This is his moment.
:''[Goldberg stands on the ramp as the pyrotechnics envelope him for twenty seconds. When they subside, he walks to the ring surrounded by the security from before]''
:'''Bobby''': It's a long way down.
:'''Tony''': There you look at Goldberg, and think about what Goldberg represents. A virtual unknown in this sport who walked into WCW, and he represents every wrestler who wanted just to walk in here and become the World Champ. That's what he represents as he makes his way to the ring.
:'''Bobby''': He looks ready! Do it for me! Do it for the fans! Get rid of Hogan! And what's Hogan's mentality gonna be at ''Bash at the Beach'' if he's not heavyweight champion of the world along with Rodman?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Look at Goldberg! He's ready!
:'''Tony''': He's poised... ''[Goldberg spears Hulk Hogan]'' Hogan goes down!
:'''Bobby''': Okay, there's part one! Now finish him off! Finish him off!
:'''Tony''': ''[Goldberg signals for the Jackhammer]'' He's calling for it!
:'''Bobby''': This is it! This is it! ''[Goldberg sets Hogan up for the Jackhammer]'' Your career's on the line here! Do it! Do it! This place'll erupt when he picks him up.
:'''Tony''': ''[Goldberg lifts Hogan in a suplex]'' He's got him up! ''[...and slams Hogan to the mat]'' Oh Hell Yeah!
:'''Tony and Bobby''': ''[counting with the referee]'' One...
:'''Tony''': ''[continues]'' ...two...THREE!!!
:'''Bobby''': OH, THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! We got a new heavyweight champion of the world! The first undefeated man in the history of this sport to ever win the World Championship, and have a record of 107, 108...who cares?! There's zero on the other side! We've got a new champion! Listen to this! ''[pauses to acknowledge the cheering crowd and &quot;Goldberg&quot; chants]'' Wow.
:'''Mike''': Thirty-one-year-old Bill Goldberg, less than ten months in the sport, is on top of the wrestling world.
:'''Tony''': ''[off a shirt]'' &quot;Who's next?&quot;
:'''Bobby''': Who cares?
:'''Tony''': &quot;Who cares&quot; is right. The hero has come through, lades and gentlemen, you have witnessed professional wrestling history on many levels. A man who is undeniably the toughest we have seen in decades, a man who undeniably will lead pro wrestling into the next millennium, stands in the Georgia Dome int front of more than 39,000 fans.
:'''Bobby''': Tony, there's a new sheriff in town.
:'''Tony''': When we go to Bash at the Beach, Goldberg will be the world champ. Its only six days away.
:'''Bobby''': We still got Thunder, Wednesday.
:'''Tony''': With the new world champion. Well, there's nothing more that this announce crew can add to what you've been a witness here tonight. It's been a night for the ages, it's been a night that we will never forget because on Monday, July 6th, 1998, Goldberg captured the gold. Goldberg, went to 108 and 0, and in less than one year, Goldberg, the phenomenon that is Bill Goldberg, at age 31, is the heavyweight champion of the world, and they're not going anywhere...
:'''Bobby''': No.
:'''Tony''': They're still standing, chanting his name, paying homage to their hero. 
:'''Mike''': Let the celebration begin!
:'''Tony''': For Iron Mike Tenay and Bobby &quot;The Brain&quot; Heenan...
:'''Bobby''': Thank you!!
:'''Tony''': and Larry Zsbysko, and Mean Gene, and everybody in pro wrestling... Goodnight, America!!
:'''Mike''': Goldberg's the champ! Let's go!

===August 17===
:''[Hollywood Hogan is in the middle of a promo calling out DDP for &quot;somebody from his past.&quot; Jim Hellwig, aka Warrior comes in and enters the ring]''
:'''Warrior''': Talk to me, Warriors!!! ''[at top rope]'' Feel the real power, Hogan!!
:'''Hollywood Hogan''': ''[shaken by his appearance]'' I thought you were dead!
:'''Warrior''': Who holds the absolute power now, Hollywood Hogan? Unleash that raising voice, Warriors! [Warrior Chants] Seems as if no formal introduction is gonna be necessary! Actually, it even seems as if there are those who anticipated my arrival! ''[disgusted at Hogan offering his NWO shirt as if inviting him to join]'' What is that smell? You might want to use it to clean up the mess you just made all over yourself! You need to open your eyes and ears, take control of the limited ability you have to understand the words I am about to say. For years, I have watched while this industry, with you as it's figurehead, has tried to create what is simply un-re-cre-at-able. I have heard, listened to all the innuendos and speculation that something ULTIMATE or WARRIOR may soon reappear. Welcome to the reappearance!&lt;/br&gt; Those things, Hogan, which are irreplaceable, whether they be people, places, or things, are never forgotten. You are witnessing that - RIGHT NOW! History tells us, Hogan... ''[“Hogan sucks”-Chants]'' Let's talk about something he doesn't know! History tells us, Hogan, that a man's legacy is build from the premise that within his life the moments lived, once lived, become a piece of his history. Somehow, you have conveniently, even eloquently, misplaced pieces of your history.&lt;/br&gt; In the [[WrestleMania#WrestleMania_VI_(1990)|one time, epochal battle between us]], Hogan, you were the quintessential influence of what was good, great, and heroic. But different than you may remember, and albeit you may have beaten myths, legends, giants, and other great men, you never - never - beat a warrior. AND, certainly, not THE ULTIMATE ONE! As a victor of that one-time battle, I defeated what was, until then, undefeatable. I conquered what was then unconquerable. I dominated what was, until then, indomitable. On that day, you were great. I was ULTIMATE!&lt;/br&gt; Let me introduce myself, to those two fools that stand behind you. Let's see, this - dude ''[points to the Disciple]'' - must be your barber. And ''[to Eric Bischoff]'' who are you, little man? Who are you?
:'''Eric Bischoff''': You know who I am. My name is Eric Bischoff, I run this company and who invited you?
:'''Warrior''': ''[laughs]'' Different than you want to make people believe, I never received an invitation, I showed up on my own accord, and let me tell you, Mr. Eric Bischoff, if you stick your nose in my business, you only, very quickly, prepare for your own demise. Furthermore, when I get done with my business here, I'm going to be sending you a bill. I suggest you pay it. I have waited patiently. The WARRIORS have waited all too patiently.&lt;/br&gt; Now - NOW - the virtue of justice unties my hands so that I can continue to fulfill a destiny set in motion upon that memorable day years ago - a destiny at the next level - a destiny beckoning the next Super Hero. There really is no sadder sight than when a grown man fears the challenges in his life so much that he rationalises adolescent behaviour to the point where he carries out heinous and self-indulgent actions - YOUR evilness, the evilness you embody and portray, is intolerable.&lt;/br&gt; I am the one that has the power to destroy you. It's source, Hogan, the truth, is inexhaustible. I come here, not to beat you up tonight, Hogan - beating you means nothing anymore. Everybody already has. No no no no no no no, that's too easy. Because you felt guilty for being who you were. Your mind became weak and Hulkamania became boring. I come here, Hogan, to tell you next week I intend to launch a revolution not even YOU can control. I ask you to find the courage - check it out - next week, same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel.&lt;/br&gt;

===September 14===

:'''Arn Anderson''': Can you smell it, JJ? Take a breath. Can you smell it? When 15,000 people blow the roof off a place, that's what a pop smells like. Take a bow. What you said to me is what all those people have been saying to me for a year and a half, and only a true friend would say that. They said &quot;Arn Anderson, stand up and be a man, like you've always been!&quot; And I couldn't hear those words, 'cause something was in the way and I'm gonna start at the beginning, because you have to start at the beginning because tonight IS a new beginning for the Four Horsemen.
:Now when I was a kid, like all kids, people asked you &quot;what do you wanna be when you grow up?&quot; There was no grey area for me, I always knew I wanted to be a wrestler. And when that finally happened for me, it was the proudest day of my life. And in 1986, I started coming to these towns, just like Greenville, South Carolina, as a Horseman. And my life changed forever, and the doors it opened for me, I had never dreamed of. And wrestling the greatest wrestlers in the world in a town like this and all across this country showed me who I was. And every day that I woke up since then I tried to uphold the standards that we, you and I and the rest of us set for ourselves.
:And about a year and a half ago, I laid down on an operating table and when I woke up, Arn Anderson the wrestler was dead, and I thought to myself how could I be a Horseman if I couldn't be a wrestler. Well, the fact is I couldn't in my mind...
:'''Crowd''': We Want Flair!
:'''Arn''': Trust me, everybody's gonna get what they want tonight, Bischoff. Eric Bischoff.
:So when I thought I could no longer be a Horsemen, Chris Benoit came to me first and he said &quot;this can all happen.&quot; And with that prelude, I would like to bring the other three Horsemen out right now. Steve &quot;Mongo&quot; McMichael, come on down. ''[Steve McMichael enters the ring, as do the other Horsemen when called]'' Chris Benoit, come on down. Dean Malenko, come on down.
:Now, before we go any further. Chris Benoit, you got this thing rolling, and I'm gonna go on record as saying, if there's a finer wrestler in all the land than you, I don't know who it is. Your intensity, the first time I saw you wrestle, made you something special. You are something special in my eyes, you knew what it meant to be a Horsemen. You will carry that tradition way past the year 2000.
:Mongo McMichael, you're hard-headed, lotta times you're hard to be around, but the fact is in my eyes, you're all man. You're certainly All-Pro, and when this is all said and done, if I've got anything to say about it, you will mean to this sport what you've meant to the sport of pro football.
:Now Dean Malenko. I've been out here ya/king for the last ten years about what it meant to be a Horseman: work ethic, respect for the business, respect for each other, respect for the people that came before us. And while I was yakking the last year, and the last couple of months, you were out there fighting the fights for the Horsemen. You exemplify what a Horseman has always meant: overachievement. Being the very best you could be, each and every day of your life, whether you were sick, or hurt, or whatever the case may be, and it makes me proud, now I'm gonna say one more time. I've said that you didn't get it; well, ''I'' didn't get it, because if there was ever a Horseman it makes me a little misty-eyed and real proud to call on this day the finest thing you can be in this sport of professional wrestling, that's a Horseman.
:Ladies and gentlemen, through the year 2000, we're gonna do exactly what all of you across this nation have asked: &quot;Arn Anderson, bring back the Horsemen!&quot; But I feel it fair to tell ya, I'm not gonna be responsible for what happens next. 'Cause we don't wear white hats, we're not nice guys, and I can tell you this: heads are gonna roll! So, I've said it: Be careful what you wish for, because now you have it!
:Ah, what a goof! What a goof! You know, I get accused of gettin' racked in the head a few times and having a little touch of Alzheimer's. My God! I almost forgot the fourth Horseman! Ric Flair, get on down here!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ric Flair''': Thank you, thank you very much. I'm almost embarrassed by the response, but when I see this, I know that the twenty - five years that I've spent trying to make you happy every night of your life was worth every damn minute of it. Now, somebody told me that the Horsemen were having a party tonight in Greenville! Could that be true that the most elite group that Eric Bischoff said was dead, is alive and well? Bischoff, this might be my only shot, and I gotta tell ya, I'm gonna make it my best. Is this what you call a great moment in TV? It's wrong, because this is REAL! This is not bought and paid for! It's a REAL - LIFE - SITUATION! Just like the night in Columbia, South Carolina, when you looked at me - tears in my eyes - and said 'God, that's good TV' - it was real! Arn Anderson passed the torch - it was real, dammit! You think Sting was crying in the dressing room like I was on TV if it wasn't real? This guy, my best friend, is one of the greatest performers who ever lived, and YOU - you squashed him, in one night. Then you get on the phone and tell me, &quot;Disband the Horsemen. They're dead. Disband the Four Horsemen.&quot; You know what? I looked at myself in the mirror the next day and I saw a pathetic figure that gave up and quit! And for that, I owe you, the wrestling fans, I owe these guys an apology. Because it won't happen again! ''[Bischoff appears at the entrance way]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': You're history! This is my TV!!
:'''Flair''': Bischoff, whatever you think... You're an overbearing asshole! That's right! You're an obnoxious, you're an obnoxious, overbearing ass! Abuse of power! You! Abuse of power! Cut me off! Come on! It's called abuse of power! 
:'''Bischoff''': You'll never ever wrestle on my television again!
:'''Flair''': You suck! You... I hate your guts. I hate your guts. 
:'''Bischoff''': ''[as he walks away]'' This is my house! You're history!
:'''Flair''': You are a liar, you're a cheat, you're a scam, you are a no-good son of a bitch. 
:'''Bischoff''': You're history!
:'''Flair''': Fire me! I'm already fired! Fire me! I'm already fired!

===December 14===
:''[Ric Flair and the Four Horsemen just fought off the NWO, and he's still livid over Eric Bischoff kissing his wife the week before]''
:'''Ric Flair''': BISCHOFF!!! For 25 years, for whatever I have been, good and bad, I've been a man, you son of a bitch! And good or bad, I can walk in the door of my house and know that those kids, and that wife forgave me for everything I ever did wrong because they depended on me to live day in and day out! You, you start out, you come in here, you promise me the world and then you take my career, you try to shitcan that, that didn't work, because ''[to the fans]'' they, right here, 40,000 strong, wouldn't let you do it!
:'''Bobby Heenan''': It's the most intense I've ever seen him.
:'''Flair''': Then, you put your lawyers on me and you know what, you damn near broke me, but I would like to the wire, I fought you every step of the way. I gave in, I came back, not 'coz of you, but because my little boy, ten years old, walked up to me and said, &quot;Dad, why don't you just beat the hell out of Bischoff and get back in the world?&quot; He didn't understand politics, he didn't understand lawyers, but he understands that every day of his life, his dad said two things to him: Never quit. Promise me for as long as I am alive, you will never quit - and last Thursday night, you stepped over the line AND I ALMOST QUIT! I almost couldn't live it, you put your hands on my children, you kissed my wife, you no-good rotten bastard! What do you think my kids felt when they went to school, embarrassed? No. Shocked? No. You stepped over the line. You took something...
:''[Eric Bischoff appears at the entranceway]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': ''[mock sadness]'' Oh, Ric, I feel so bad.. ''[sees Flair running up to him; to security]'' STOP HIM STOP HIM!!! ''[security restrains Flair]'' Come on, come on! Come and get me, come and get me be careful with him, he's got a bad heart! He's got a bad heart! ''[as the officers cuff him]'' Arrest him! Arrest him, so I can fire him!!

== 1999 ==
=== January 4===
:'''Tony Schiavone''': If you're even thinking about changing the channel to our competition, fans, do not. Because we understand that Mick Foley, who wrestled here one time as Cactus Jack, is going to win their World Title. ''[sarcastically]'' That's gonna put some butts in the seats.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Tony''': Fans, I want to reiterate something I talked about before the commercial break. If you're thinking about changing channels to our competition, we want to let you know that unlike us, they've got their show in the can, their show's been taped. Later tonight, Mick Foley, who once wrestled here as Cactus Jack, is gonna win their World Title. I mean, that's gonna be their World Champion. Ha ha!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Tony''': Fans, as you know, it's getting close to the 11:00 hour. We're gonna stay right here, we're gonna follow all the action as long as it takes, so stay with us. These are not taped matches. This is happening live, this is ''Nitro''. ''[Bell rings]'' The bell sounds, Billy Silverman making the call. No matter what happens, we're staying with you here tonight.
:'''Bobby &quot;The Brain&quot; Heenan''': Even if it goes on ''all'' night, we're gonna be here.
:'''Tony''': That's what we're all about.
:'''Bobby''': We're live!
:...
:'''Tony''': Listen to the fans! Look at Hogan's reaction!
:'''Bobby''': Over 40,000+! This is better than a playoff game!
:'''Tony''': Hell, this is what pro wrestling, what World Championship Wrestling is all about!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Tony''': ''[on Hogan]'' He's been in so many big matches.
:'''Bobby''': Boy, he has.
:''[Hogan fakes a punch, [[w:Fingerpoke of Doom|then lightly pokes Kevin Nash, who drops to the mat.]] Hogan covers him.]''
:'''Tony''': ''[as Silverman counts]'' What was that about? What's going on here? ''[Silverman counts to three. Hogan, Nash, Hall, and Scott Steiner celebrate in the ring]'' What just happened here?
:'''Bobby''': This stinks.
:'''Michael Buffer''': Ladies and gentlemen, the winner and new Heavyweight Champion of the world, from nWo Hollywood, Hulk Hogan!
:'''Eric Bischoff''': ''[having been silent all night]'' It is unbelievable! The new World Heavyweight Champion, Hollywood Hulk Hogan!

===October 11===

:'''Tony Schiavone''': Before we start with tonight's action, Brain, there's something we both, but particularly you, have to say about our longtime friend Gorilla Monsoon.
:'''Bobby &quot;The Brain&quot; Heenan''': Gorilla will be sadly missed. He was one big, tough man, he was a decent honest man, and we're all going to miss him very much. And you know the pearly gates in heaven?
:'''Tony''': Yeah.
:'''Bobby''': It's now gonna be called the Gorilla position. Goodbye, my friend.

==2000==
===February 7===
:''[Scott Steiner, his women, and the NWO are in the ring]''
:'''Scott Steiner''': Now last week, I was watching TV and I watched a 53-year-old man come down here who wears more loose skin than a Shar-Pei puppy come out here saying he's still &quot;The Man.&quot; I see Ric Flair No.2, the Nature Boy come out here, who's been the butt-end of all the jokes, 'cause he's supposed to be the limousine-riding, jet-flying son of a gun, but I'm saying one time, you shoulda take a cab, and used to that money to fix that scrooked yellow teeth! So I asked myself, &quot;if WCW was going to hire the Nature Boy No.2, why wouldn't they hire the Nature Boy, the ''original'' Nature Boy, Buddy Rogers?&quot; Now I know that Buddy Rogers is dead - God rest his soul - but Ric Flair, your career is dead! And I know as he lays six feet under, he's still styling and profiling, 'cause when you used your little brain and stole his name, there's one thing you couldn't steal, and that was his class. So when you walked down that aisle last week, I know I wasn't alone, 'cause the people at home, all they did was grab their remote, change the channel to WWF and watch Stone Cold, a person you and your old friends got fired from here 'cause you're a jealous, old bastard. So Ric Flair, remember this, in this wrestling business, there's never been a bigger ass-kissing, butt-sucking bastard in this business, but also in life, you're the biggest ass-kiss, back-stabbing, butt-sucking bastard and you belong where you're at, in WCW, because WCW sucks... and so do you! Me? I'm just gonna stand here in the NWO for life!

===April 10===
:''[Jeff Jarrett reveals Vince Russo as the Powers That Be]''
:'''Vince Russo''': You know, after giving six years of my life to the World Wrestling Federation I came to WCW with one thing in mind - and that was to beat Vince McMahon at his own game! And you know what? Within a matter of weeks, the new blood in WCW was not only getting back in the game, they were changing the game! And that's when the good ol' boy network kicked in - afraid of change, and more importantly afraid of their jobs - the political BS took place in the back to bring Vince Russo down. And you stayin' at home know who you are 'cause you're watching me now. And then one day I'm told that there's gonna be a change in direction - a change that I knew SUCKED! And you know what? I wasn't the only one who knew - Benoit knew - Guerrero knew - Saturn knew - Malenko knew - Douglas knew - and they left! They're gone! Scott Steiner - he knew it, and they suspended his ass! Well you know what? That's all over now. It's done. And Vince Russo is back in charge again. And I wanna turn around now and I wanna say something to everybody in this ring. It is OVER. The old boys management is over. The inflated egos in the back, afraid to lose their spot - it is over. It is the dawning of a new day - it is your opportunity - seize that opportunity!
:''[Eric Bischoff appears]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': Are you done yet? Let me tell you something. This man - Vince Russo and I - have more in common than anybody knows. But the big thing is the fact that we were both screwed by the same... good ol' boys network. Vince is right - those days are over. But it's okay! I don't even mind. And you know why I don't mind? Because it's giving me a hell of an opportunity to think about all the great things I did in WCW, but it's also given me an opportunity to realize the mistakes I've made... mistakes like Scott Hall, Kevin Nash, Sting, Diamond Dallas Page, and oh yeah, oh yeah... let's not forget Sid &quot;Wished he was&quot; Vicious. But you know what the biggest mistake I've ever made? I mean this is the real big one. Hulk Hogan. I'm sorry - I really am sorry.
:Everybody told me he would screw me - he would use me - they said, do not look into that red and yellow light because you will be blinded. Well, I was blinded, but tonight I've got 20/20 vision - I'm seeing real clearly for the first time in a long time, and right now I want to apologize to everybody in this ring - The New Blood - and I want you guys to know that if there's anything I can do for Vince Russo that will help you, I am there for him - I am there for you, because it is a whole new WCW. And where are they? Where are they, where is Diamond Dallas Page? Where is Sting? Where are they?
:'''Russo''': I think they're hiding in the back with the old tail between their legs.
===July 15===
:''[Tony Schiavone and Mark Madden talk about the Billy Kidman/Torrie Wilson sex tape on Nitro and the subsequent segment between Torrie and Shane Douglas on Thunder.]''
:'''Tony Schiavone''': ... that fueled the fire for this &quot;Viagra on a Pole&quot; Match.
:'''Mark Madden''': I'll tell you... I'll tell you what, you can't come out of here limping in a match like this. You gotta get it up right away and keep it up.
===August 14===
:'''Vince Russo''': ''[Standing in the ring with Tank Abbott at the start of the show]'' You know, it seems like deja vu all over again. I stood in this very ring [[w:Bash at the Beach|one month ago]], and I made history. I made an example out of somebody... and you all know who [[w:Hulk Hogan|that]] is, because that piece of shit hasn't been around since! Well tonight, I'm gonna make an example on live TV out of another piece of shit, Goldberg! You don't screw with me and the fact is I came out here tonight to fire Bill Goldberg's ass on national TV! Yeah, cheer for him you asshole Canadians! Well you know what? Brad Siegel wouldn't let me fire Goldberg because the fans love Goldberg! Well I say screw the fans and I say screw Bill Goldberg! And Goldberg, since I could not fire your ass, well I'm going to have your ass kicked right here tonight and he's right here Bill. Remember what happened at the Phillips arena Bill? Well we all know that was bullshit! So I say Bill, you bring it out here and lets call it in the ring. Do it Tank! You know, let me explain something to you assholes! You see, Bill Goldberg, Bill Goldberg believes in his own little mind that if this world were real, then he could take everybody! He could kick everybody's ass! He could kick your ass Tank! You know Bill, you think you're Superman, you think you're invincible, you think I can't beat you huh? Well I'll tell you what, I've got the kryptonite to stick up your ass tonight pal! What do I got to do? Do I got to beg you to come out here chickenshit?! What's the matter Bill? You don't want to come out here? You don't know the script? You don't know the storyline? Tank will call your ass!
===September 11===
:''[Big Poppa Pump is interviewed by Mean Gene]''
:'''Scott Steiner''': That's right Mean Gene, I don't lay down for nobody and whether I leave here the world champion tonight, it don't matter because it's not going to change my focus on getting even with Goldberg for fracturing my face at Fall Brawl. Goldberg! I'm getting even for you fracturing my face and I'm gonna prove to you that I'm the man with the largest arms in the world! I'm the genetic freak and size does matter! And that statement, Mean Gene, comes true whether I'm in the ring or out of the ring. See where all my freaks are horizontal, they understand size, they appreciate size and size does matter and they know that they don't have to wait for the Earth to rotate on a 47-degree axis so the stars can touch the sky and create an equinox so they see the Big Dipper. No no no, all they gotta do is call the Big Poppa, cause I'm the man with the big dipper and satisfaction's coming when I go behind and do the bump n' grind and it's only a matter of time before they call me the big bad booty daddy! So Goldberg, realize this. I only care about two things in this world: my freaks and my peaks and I'll beat your ass down at Fall Brawl and I'm about to put you in the Steiner Recliner and I'm gonna whisper in your ear, 'Size does matter, bitch!'

==2001==
===March 19===
:''[Booker T calls out Big Poppa Pump and Ric Flair]''
:'''Booker T''': Yo Steiner, Flair. I told you I was gonna talk to the man and that man is Eric Bischoff, so shut up and listen.
:'''Eric Bischoff''': ''[by phone patch]'' Thank you Booker. For those of you in the arena and all of you watching around the country this evening, I would very much would have chosen to be there tonight in person as I could be but given everything that's going on tonight, that's just not possible. Many of you may know that for the past six months I've been working with a group of people whose goal was - and is - to acquire World Championship Wrestling and to grow it once again to becoming a competitive, dominant wrestling organization worldwide. 
:But recently, we've hit a couple of roadblocks that may be in fact brick walls, and while it is still in my power, I want to do something befitting what could be very well the last night of wrestling on the Turner networks. Given the fact that that wrestling has been such an important part of Turner's history for the past 29 years, I've been thinking over the weekend on what I could do to provide an exciting program that this historic event should be. To that end, I want to make an announcement now that next Monday night in Panama City is indeed going to be a &quot;Night of Champions.&quot; By that, I mean every championship will be up for grabs, starting with the World Cruiserweight Championship, the Cruiserweight Tag Team Championships, the World Tag Team championship, the US title, and the World Heavyweight will also be up for grabs next Monday night at Panama City. And Scott Steiner, Booker T, I want you to, to be aware now that your match is going to be a &quot;Title Vs Title&quot; match. The contracts are prepared, a WCW representative is standing by to make sure that the contracts are executed. Read them carefully, sign them, be prepared to defend your titles next Monday night. And also given the historic nature of this occasion and my relationship with this company for nearly ten years, I wanna personally extend an open invitation to any former - and I mean ''any former'' - World Heavyweight champion in WCW to join us in Panama City, and don't be afraid to bring your boots with you. 
:Lastly, Ric Flair, you and I have had a very rocky relationship over the past ten years and while I have a tremendous amount of respect for you and what you've done in wrestling history and what you've done for WCW for so long now, I want to make sure that in your case, a promise made is a promise kept - and Ric Flair, it is in your best interest this evening - to kiss Dusty Rhodes' ass. ''[Flair is flustered]'' That being said, I'll see you all in Panama City next Monday night, The Night of Champions, thank you.

===March 26===
:''[After the WCW opening logo, Vince McMahon appears]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Imagine that. Me, Vince McMahon. Imagine that, here I am, on WCW television. How can that happen? Well, there's only one way. You see that it was just a matter of time before I, Vince McMahon, bought my competition. That's right, I own WCW, so therefore in its final broadcast tonight on TNT, I have the opportunity to address ''[hands gesturing to camera]'' you the WCW fans. I have an opportunity to address, you the WCW superstars. What is the fate of WCW? Well tonight, in this special simulcast, you will all find out, because the fate - ''[cups hands]'' the very fate of WCW is in ''my hands''.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Ric Flair comes down to the ring]''
:'''Ric Flair''': Did I - Did I - WOOOOO! Did I happen to hear Vince McMahon say he was goin' to hold WCW in the palms of his hands? Is that what he said? Does that mean that YOU are gonna hold Jack Brisco, Dory Funk, Harley Race, the Road Warriors, Sting, Luger, the Steiners, Bagwell, Ric Flair, Steamboat, does that mean you're gonna hold us all in the palm of your hands? To coin a phrase, I don't think so! You know, at twelve o'clock today, someone very special to me said, &quot;Do not go onto that show tonight knowin' it's the last time that you'll ever be on TNT or TBS&quot; - knowing it's the last time, she said to me, &quot;Don't go out there and cry - don't go out there and say you're sorry&quot; because I'm not - I've been fourteen times the World Champion - in my eyes, one of the greatest, you got it! The greatest wrestling organization in the world - WCW!

:We... I'm talkin' about the Stings, the Lugers, the Steiners, the Road Warriors - I'm talkin' about my best friend, Arn Anderson and the Four Horsemen - we have been on a par, and we have been equal to any wrestling organization in the world - as a matter of fact, we have run neck and neck with you, Vince McMahon, for years - for YEARS - and just for trivia, Vince McMahon, do you know that in 1981, when you were trying to become an announcer, your dad was on the board of directors and voted for ME to be the world champion - WOOOO! How 'bout that? And ever since that day, I have been a limousine-ridin', jet-flyin', kiss-stealin', wheelin-dealin', son of a gun, that along with the whole WCW dammit all, have kissed the girls worldwide, and made 'em cry! 'Cause ya see, we were every bit the force, we were WCW - we lived, we breathed, we sweat, we paid the price to be the best - never been about the boys - it's always been WWF vs. the WCW in the office - the boys that have gone out there, night in and night out, doing everything they could to be the very best at what they chose to do in their life - those boys are here tonight - we are!

:We're not going anywhere, you can't hold us in your hands and predict our life! We're WCW! We've bled and we've sweat - when was the last time you wrestled for an hour, cut yourself five times, bled for 45 minutes... when were you there? You weren't! You weren't! You were never in the dressing room, on the road 40 days and 40 nights, bleedin', sweatin', goin' to the next town, you weren't there, you can't hold people's lives in your hands. We're the greatest wrestling company of all time - I wanna say it again - you can't control us or our future, and in closing, let me say this - in all my years in this sport, my greatest opponent with this company has been Sting - so tonight, if we're going out, if we're going out on a high note, Stinger, the Nature Boy wants you right here, because - that's right - that's right - ya hear it, Sting? Sting, my greatest opponent - Sting, it's your last chance - your last chance to be... ''[crowd chants Sting]'' Sting, Sting, Sting, Sting, Sting, Sting - Sting! To be - the man, you've gotta beat the man, and Sting... I'M. THE. MAN. WOOOOOO!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[In a prerecorded video, DDP reflects on his WCW journey]''
:'''Diamond Dallas Page''': In the words of the Grateful Dead, what a long strange trip it's been, but I gotta tell you, I've loved every second of it, wouldn't trade it for nothing. And tonight, on this historic eve, I thought I needed to thank all the wrestling fans from around the world, for letting a kid from the Jersey Shore, Page Joseph Falkenberg, become Diamond Dallas Page. The guy they said would never make it but did. And that proves only one thing, if you want it bad enough and you're willing to work for it, anything's possible. It's not the promoters who decide who's over, it's the fans, so not just to thanks the fans in general, I want to specially thank, the WCW wrestling fans and my wife, Kimberly, for believing in me, and helping me live my dream. Is that dream over? I don't think so, I think now it's time to take it to another level. ''[to camera]'' Thank you.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as the WCW Cruiserweight Tag Team Championship match begins, Tony Schiavone goes a bit off-script upon learning of William Regal talking to Vince McMahon over his purchase of WCW]''
:'''Tony Schiavone''': I don't want to sit here, and as a person who's been on Monday Nitro for many years, it hits you to hear anything that he once said... Mr McMahon, it's his money, he can do whatever he wants, I don't know what he's gonna do tonight, but let me say this: to sit here and listen to their Commissioner, rip WCW? 
:'''Scott Hudson''': Yes.
:'''Schiavone''': Come on. I mean, we've had to do some crazy things, Steve Regal, including putting your ass over on TV!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[calling the match between Sting and Ric Flair]''
:'''Tony Schiavone''': ''[sees Sting Superplex Flair]'' Yes, he got it down. What's Sting gonna do now? ''[Scorpion Deathlock]'' Scorpion Deathlock!! He's got it on!
:'''Scott Hudson''': Center of the ring!
:'''Schiavone''': ''[Flair quits]'' It's over! It's over!! It's Sting! Sting wins! Sting defeats Ric Flair here on the final telecast of ''WCW Monday Nitro'' on TNT. And look at that, my god that he's gonna help him up. And the embrace, it's what we're all about. 
:'''Hudson''': Sting knows that Ric Flair made him at that Clash of the Champions. That's ultimate respect.
:'''Schiavone''': It really is.
:'''Hudson''': For two men, I have to say, that have huge fans of, they may be continue to be fans of professional wrestling. Thank you Steve Borden, thank you Ric Flair, for everything you've meant to this sport.
:'''Schiavone''': It's an emotional rollercoaster for all of us fans. The uncertainty of our jobs, our future of what we love, what we breathe, and what we live. We don't just work for WCW, we lived WCW, and I know Flair is thinking that the fans would agree.

== External links==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
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  <page>
    <title>Bea Arthur</title>
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      <text bytes="4455" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Beatrice Arthur - 1973.jpg|thumb|Bea Arthur in 1973]]

[[w:Bea Arthur|'''Beatrice''' &quot;'''Bea'''&quot; '''Arthur''']] (born '''Bernice Frankel'''; [[May 13]], [[1922]] – [[April 25]], [[2009]]) was an American actress best remembered for her work in ''[[w:Maude (TV series)|Maude]]'' and ''[[The Golden Girls]]''.

== Quotes ==
* I... was not too happy to suddenly take on this public role thrust upon me. They just assumed I was the Joan of Arc of the women's movement. And I wasn't at all. It put a lot of unnecessary pressure on me.
** Interview, Sun Sentinel, 1982

* Making lasting gifts for [[animals]] in our estate plans is perhaps the single most important thing we can do to ensure animals have the strongest possible voice for their protection.
** Interview, The Los Angeles Times, March 3, 1990

* [[w:Cambridge, Maryland|That town]] was stifling. Three of us got out. Me, [[John Barth]] and the guy who wrote &quot;You Are My Sunshine.&quot; My dream was to become a very small blonde movie star like {{w|Ida Lupino}} and those other women I saw up there on the screen during the Depression.
** In &quot;Profile: A Star Without  Even Trying; Having Conquered Stage and Television, Award-Winning Bea Arthur&quot; by John Fitzgerald, ''The Globe and Mail'' (August 31, 1991), p.&amp;nbsp;7
*** Regarding the unspecified &quot;You Are My Sunshine&quot; composer ([[w:You_Are_My_Sunshine#Claims_of_ownership|the actual identity[ies of whom]] never has been—and likely never will be—definitively established), Arthur appears to be mistaken, as none of the usual suspects—neither {{w|Jimmie Davis}}, Charles Mitchell, Paul Rice, nor Oliver Hood—seems to have any Cambridge connection. 

* I can't imagine working without an audience.
** Interview, The New York Times, December 6, 2000

* [[People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals|PETA]] has a proven track record of success. Each victory PETA wins for the animals is a stepping stone upon which we build a more compassionate world for all beings - and we will never give up our fight until all animals are treated with respect and kindness.
** Interview, The Human Society, January 7, 2004

* I suddenly realized that comedy, for me, was just being honest, and playing it for real. I've seen so many wonderful actors who turn into creatures from another planet when they're told they are supposed to be playing comedy. I... was not too happy to suddenly take on this public role thrust upon me. They just assumed I was the Joan of Arc of the women's movement. And I wasn't at all. It put a lot of unnecessary pressure on me. I'd never even been to Wrigley Field. I never even enjoyed baseball that much, but I loved being there, the crowd was lovely, and they all sang with me!
** Interview, TV Legends, August 6, 2005

* It was like the Beatles had arrived, you know. These four elderly ladies, and they were screaming for us-screaming for us. It was wonderful.
** Interview, TV Legends, August 6, 2005

* You know, the way I'm accepted, I almost feel like Judy Garland, truly. It makes no sense to me because I don't think that I've been any more outspoken... Or maybe I have, I don't know. But everyone I know supports anything that has to do with raising money or with AIDS.
** Interview, TV Legends, August 6, 2005

* I watch news programs and I love Comedy Central. I love The Daily Show-it's smarter than anything else. I also like The Critic and Celebrity Death Match and South Park. I love all of that.
** Interview, TV Legends, August 6, 2005

* There were subjects we tackled that had never been even discussed, like I had an abortion. Nobody ever talked about that.
** Interview, TV Legends, August 6, 2005

* I've been a Democrat my whole life. That's what makes Maude and Dorothy so believable, we have the same viewpoints on how our country should be handled.
** Interview, TV Legends, August 6, 2005

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb name|0037735|Beatrice Arthur}}

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[[Category:1922 births]]
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'''''[[w:Pac-Man (TV series)|Pac-Man]]''''' (1982-1983) (also known as Pac-Man: The Animated Series) was an American animated TV show, airing on [[w:American Broadcasting Company|ABC]], produced by Hanna-Barbera based on the video game [[w:Pac-Man|Pac-Man]] by [[w:Namco|Namco]]. It was also the first Hanna-Barbera animated series based on a video game.

{{tv-stub}}
== Season 1 ==
=== ''Presidential Pac-Nappers'' [1.01] ===
:''[The ghosts invade the Yellow House]''
:'''Pac-President''': What is the meaning of this?
:'''Sue''': It's quite simple Mr. President, you're being pac-napped.
:'''Inky''': Yeah, how does that grab you? ''[Chomps the Pac-President]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pac-Man''': ''[after he crashes to the ground]'' Next time I take a ride like that, I'm bringing a parachute!
:'''Clyde''': There aint going to be any next time Pac-Man, cause we're gonna chomp all over you!
:''[Ms. Pac-Man arrives]''
:'''Ms. Pepper Pac-Man''': That's what you think, creepos!
:'''Sue''': It's Ms. Pac-Man!
:'''Pepper''': ''[patting Pac-Man's head]'' Are you alright, Packy darling?
:'''Pac-Man''': Well, I was feeling a bit run down, but now that you're here Pepper, I'm feeling much better!
:'''Clyde''': Good, now we can chomp both o' yous!
:'''Pepper''': I wouldn't be too sure about that!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Returning to headquarters after being chomped by Pac-Man]''
:'''Pinky''': Hi-ya boss, you'll never guess how we messed up this time.!
:'''Mezmeron''': I don't have to guess, I saw it all! On my Pac-Land spy satellite.
:'''Pinky''': ''[Laughing]'' Oh, me on TV? How did I look Mezmeron?
:'''Mezmeron''': Shut up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Clyde''': Were taking you for a little ride! ''[laughs evilly]'' and if you don't tell us were the power forest is, Pinky lets go!
:'''Blinky''': Oh, if Pinky lets go what happens to us? ''[sobs]''
:'''Clyde''': Don't ask dumb questions! 

=== ''Picnic in PacLand'' [1.02] ===
:'''Inky''': ''[he is cooking pancakes that look like Pac-Man]'' Hey Clyde, how about a barbequed Pac-Pancake? They look just like Pac-Man. ''[eats one]'' Only they don't taste as good as he does.
:'''Clyde''': No thanks. I like chomping on the real thing. ''[a Frisbee fly's in his face]'' I said I don't want no pancake!
:'''Blinky''': That ain't no pancake Clyde! It's a flying dog set. A slying fog set. Its a...
:'''Sue''': You silly jerks. This is a frisbee. 

=== ''The Great Pac-Quake'' [1.03] ===
:'''Mezmeron''': Well, what do you have to say for yourselves?
:'''Clyde''': You're gonna be proud of us boss. We found the Power Forest for you!
:'''Mezmeron''': Where is it?
:'''Clyde''': Tell him Inky! ''[pulls Inky in front of the line]''
:'''Inky''': Uh, tell him Pinky. ''[pulls Pinky in front of the line]''
:'''Pinky''': Tell him Blinky. ''[pulls Blinky in front of the line]''
:'''Blinky''': Uh, uh, I wasn't watching. I thought you guys were watching!
:'''Inky''': I wasn't watching. Were you watching?
:'''Pinky''': Not me, I thought ''you'' were watching.
:'''Mezmeron''': SHUT UP, YOU FOOLS!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inky''': ''[Wearing a baseball glove suit]'' Hey Clyde, how do you like my new suit? Fits me like a glove, huh?
:'''Clyde''': That ''is'' a glove Inky!
:'''Inky''': Oh, so it is. And here I thought my brains were growing.

=== ''Hocus Pocus Pac-Man'' [1.04] ===
:'''Pac-Man''': Oh no! Pepper's back. If she finds out I lost Pac-Baby, I'm in big trouble. 
:''[Pac-Man's teeth chatters as Chomp-Chomp the dog starts chewing on Pac-Man's foot]''
:'''Pac-Man''': Don't bother me Chomp-Chomp! I got to find a baby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pepper''': Did I hear Pac-Baby call? You didn't let him wonder in the yard and catch cold, did you?
:'''Pac-Man''': Of course not dear. That was me. I sneezed.

=== ''Southpaw Packy'' [1.05] ===
:'''Pinky''': Duh, the stadium's just around the bend, Clyde!
:'''Clyde''': Good! Messin' up Pacland's World Series is gonna be almost as much fun as chompin' Pac-Man!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Parking Attendant''': Hey, you can't come in here! No Ghosts allowed!
:'''Sue''': Inky, show the nice man our special pass!
:'''Inky''': It's in here, see? ''[points to his own mouth as he opens it wide; the Parking Attendant leans in, peering down Inky's throat; of course, Inky snaps his jaws shut in a vicious chomp, practically chomping the luckless Pac in half; as he withers and deflates and sags listlessly over the counter of his kiosk, the Ghost Monsters head into the stadium for more chomping]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sue''': I've got to get out of here before I get caught! ''[runs into Pac-Man's baseball glove]''
:'''Pac-Man''': You just did! ''[throws her to Ms. Pepper Pac-Man for the chomp]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pac-Man''': Come on, Ghost face! Put one over me!
:'''Pinky''': He'll never hit my cyclone-ball. ''[winds up, and throws the ball away from the plate]''
:'''Sue''': Strike one!
:'''Pac-Man''': Whaaat?!
:'''Sue''': Oh, talking back to the umpire huh? Make that strike two!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pepper''': Go Packy, GO!

=== ''Pac-Baby Panic'' [1.06] ===
:'''Pepper''': What's up Packy?
:'''Pac-Man''': Ahhh! Oh, its only you Pepper.
:'''Pepper''': What have you got in the sack, Pac?
:'''Pac-Man''': Shh. There super powered power pellet seeds.
:'''Pepper''': Super powered power pellet seeds?
:'''Pac-Man''': Shh! If Mezmeron and his Ghost Monsters ever found these, they could grow there own super powered power pellet forest.
:'''Pepper''': Oh my!

-----

[Pac-Man is chased by the Ghost Monsters into his kitchen, where Ms. Pac is busy washing dishes.]
:'''Ms. Pac''': What's the rush, Packy?
:'''Pac-Man''': Uh, we've got company for lunch.
:'''Ms. Pac''': Oh, but there aren't enough power pellets.
:'''Pac-Man''': No problem. They don't wanna eat ''with'' us - they just wanna eat ''us''!
:'''Clyde''': That's right!  And don't bother settin' the table - we're just gonna chomp and run! [Clyde chomps Pac-Man, who collapses onto the floor in a helpless lump]
:'''Pac-Man''': Oh, whoa... I feel dizzy...

=== ''Pacula'' [1.07] ===
:'''Mezmeron''': I don't care if you mess things up again. You've been replaced.
:''[The floating eyes of the ghosts start crying]''
:'''Mezmeron''': Stop your blubbering and get into something dry!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pacula''': I want to chomp your bones!
:'''Blinky''': We aint got no phones...I mean bones. Were ghosts! Ghosts aint got no bones!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In the form of a bat, Pacula flits into a car between two Pac-teens who are are watching a drive-in movie. The boy runs off in terror as Pacula changes to his frightening vampire form, but the girl is so engrossed in the movie that she doesn't notice that it's no longer her boyfriend sitting beside her.]''
:'''Pacula''': Good evening! I want to chomp your bones!
:'''Drive-in Girl''': ''[waving him off, oblivious]'' Not now, Frankie! I'm watching the movie!
:'''Pacula''': ''[opening mouth eagerly]'' Hiss!
:''[The girl peers over nervously and finally sees Pacula.]''
:'''Drive-in Girl''': Eeeeeeeeeek!
:''[Pacula cuts off her horrified shriek by snapping his jaws shut in a big chomp, draining her energy and leaving her listless.]''

=== ''Trick or Chomp'' [1.08] ===
:'''Pac-Man''': Uh, trick or treat.
:''[Morris puts one power pellet in Pac-Man's sack]''
:'''Pac-Man''': Only one?
:'''Morris''': You know your right. ''[takes the power pellet back]'' You are a bit old to be trick or treating.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ghost monsters knock on door and Morris answers]''
:'''Ghosts''': Trick or chomp!
:'''Morris''': Aw, isn't that cute? You kids look just like the ghost monsters.
:'''Clyde''': Wrong, pac-dunce. We ''are'' the ghost monsters!
:''[Ghosts chomp Morris, who falls in a daze]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Clyde''': We're gonna chomp, chomp, chomp...
:'''Pinky''': On your bones, bones, bones.
:'''Inky''': We're gonna laugh &quot;ha-ha&quot;...
:'''Sue''': At your groans, groans, groans!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pac-Baby''': Da-da, twick or tweat!
:'''Pac-Man''': What?
:'''Pac-Baby''': Twick or tweat, Da-da!
:'''Pac-Man''': Trick or...? Of course! We can eat the treats!
:'''Pepper''': And give those Ghost Monsters a trick!

=== ''Super Ghosts'' [1.09] ===
:'''Clyde''': Wait a minute, we don't need no power forest.
:'''Sue''': He's right. Now that were Super Ghosts, we don't need to follow Mezmeron's orders.
:''[Mezmeron hears this on his computer screen]''
:'''Mezmeron''': Why you muteness little monsters! You better follow my orders or I'll.....
:'''Inky''': Aw shut up egghead! Who asked you!
-----
:''[While chased by the Super Ghosts, Pac-Man and Ms. Pac are separated. Packy plops into a water fountain, and Pepper is caught and held by Super Sue.]''
:'''Sue''': Well, Ms. Pac-Man, looks like this time ''I'm'' the chompor and ''you're'' the chompee!
:''[Sue chomps Pepper, who faints. Packy reacts to seeing his wife getting chomped.]''
:'''Pac-Man''': Oh yeah?  Nobody chomps ''my'' Pepper and gets away with it!
:''[Pac-Man rushes forth.]''
:'''Clyde''': Nobody but the Super Ghost Monsters!
:''[Clyde freezes the wet Pac-Man in place with a blast of super cold breath.  Inky approaches.]''
:'''Inky''': Ooh, a pac-sicle!
:''[Inky grabs Packy's leg and chomps down on it.]''
-----
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pepper''': ''[chasing Sue as Super Ms. Pac-Man]'' Super Sue, I'll catch you!
:''[Sue screams and Pepper chomps her]''

=== ''The Pac-Man in the Moon'' [1.10] ===
:'''Blinky''': Why do I always have to do the dangerous stuff?
:'''Sue''': ''[hugs Blinky]'' Would you please do it, for little Sue?
:'''Blinky''': And if I don't?
:'''Sue''': I'LL CHOMP YOUR FACE OFF!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The ghosts chase Mr. and Ms. Pac-Man]''
:'''Sue''': Roses are red...
:'''Clyde''': Pac-Man is yella...
:'''Pinky''': Lets open wide...
:'''Inky''': And chomp on that fella!
:''[The pacs are running as fast as they can. Pac-Man is in the rear, looking back with worry.]''
:'''Pac-Man''': C'mon, step on it, Pepper! They're right behind us!
:''[Ms. Pac is startled and skids to a halt, and Pac-Man crashes into her. They plop to the ground, and now Pac-Man sees that the ghosts have surrounded them.]''
:'''Ms. Pac''': And they're right in front of us, too!
:''[The ghost monsters close in and chomp them silly.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inky''': Gosh, there ain't no hiding places around here, nowhere. I know. ''[he pulls a door out from his ghost suit, sets it down, opens it, enters and closes it]''
:'''Pac-Man''': ''[comes up to the door and knocks]'' Knock knock.
:'''Inky''': Who's there?
:'''Pac-Man''': Chomp.
:'''Inky''': Chomp who?
:'''Pac-Man''': Chomp you! ''[opens door]''
:''[Inky screams as Pac-Man chomps him]''

=== ''Journey to the Center of PacLand'' [1.11] ===
:'''Blinky''': Please have mercy on me!
:'''Pac-Man''': I'll do better than that - I'll have ''mustard'' on you!  [squirts mustard on Blinky and chomps him]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The ghosts are digging a tunnel under Pacland to find the power forest, and they come across...]''
:'''Blinky''': Look, roots!
:'''Inky''': Oh boy! Lets make some &quot;root&quot; beer!
:'''Clyde''': This ain't no time for soda, jerk!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Pac-Man falls into an underground tunnel dug by the ghost monsters.]''
:'''Mezmaron''': Its Pac-Man! Get him!
:'''Pac-Man''': Well, excuuuuuse me!
:''[Pac-Man zips off, and the ghosts chase him.]''
:'''Clyde''': Little Pac-Man had to scram...
:'''Pinky''': So he would not get whomped.
:'''Sue''': But everywhere that Packy ran...
:'''Inky''': The ghost monsters chomped and chomped!
:''[The ghosts overtake Pac-Man, and Clyde gives him a big crunch. Woozy and weak, the chomped Pac-Man wobbles on shaky legs and then falls, splatting to the ground on his belly.]''
:'''Inky''': Ha ha! We got 'im!

=== ''Invasion of the Pac-Pups'' [1.12] ===

=== ''Sir Chomp-A-Lot'' [1.13] ===

=== ''The Day the Forest Disappeared'' [1.14] ===

=== ''Neander Pac-Man'' [1.15] ===
:''[The Cave Ghost Monsters confront Neander-Pac-Man, who has discovered a power-pellet tree but cannot discover any practical use for the power-pellets.]''
:'''Clyde''': Alright, Neander-nut, we got you now!
:'''Sue''': Unh, start chomping!
:''[The 4 male Ghost Monsters prepare to chomp on Sue!]''
:'''Sue''': Not ''me'', you fossil brains! We're supposed to chomp Neander-Pac-Man!
:''[The Ghost Monsters back down before chomping her.]''
:'''Inky''': Oh, that makes sense!
:'''Neander-Pac-Man''': Hope you guys don't mind if I make a fast exit!
:''[Neander-Pac-Man runs for it.]''
:'''Blinky''': Him g-g-gettin' away!
:'''Pinky''': Argh, let's get him!
:''[The Ghost Monsters chase Neander-Pac-Man and begin to cut off his escape routes. Clyde ambushes Neander-Pac-Man from ahead.]''
:'''Clyde''': Aaargh!
:'''Neander-Pac-Man''': Uh oh! Better try this way!
:''[Neander-Pac-Man stops abruptly and runs the other way, but Pinky ambushes him from behind some rocks.]''
:'''Pinky''': Raawwrgh!
:'''Neander-Pac-Man''': Yow! Wrong way!
:''[Neander-Pac-Man backs away and bumps against the trunk of the power-pellet tree. He is trapped and surrounded by the Ghost Monsters.]''
:'''Neander-Pac-Man''': HELLLLP!
:''[The Ghost Monsters pounce on Neander-Pac-Man and chomp him. When the crunching is done, Neander-Pac-Man stumbles dizzily for a moment before plopping to the ground in a helpless daze.]''
:'''Clyde''': Ha! We show him!
:'''Blinky''': Yeah! We make world's first chomp! ''[Laughs.]''

=== ''Backpackin' Packy'' [1.16] ===

=== ''The Abominable Pac-Man'' [1.17] ===

=== ''The Bionic Pac-Woman'' [1.18] ===
:'''Pepper''': Oh gosh, isn't this exiting Packy? Me in the movies!
:'''Pac-Man''': I don't know Pepper. There's something about &quot;those guys&quot; I don't like.

=== ''Chomp-Out at the O.K. Corral'' [1.19] ===
:'''Clyde''': Go on Dinky, show that little Pac-Pip squeak who's boss!
:'''Dinky''': ''[to Pac-Baby who is drinking his bottle]'' OK you! I'm going to chomp your baby bones.
:'''Pac-Baby''': Goo goo ga goo. Don't count on it.
:''[Pac-Baby chomps Dinky]''
:''[Dinky cries as his eyeballs float around]''
:'''Pac-Man''': Come on lets get out of here! ''[He and Pepper grab Pac-Baby and run away]''
:''[Dinky crying, leaving a puddle of tears in the floor]''
:'''Clyde''': Some ghost monster you are!
:'''Sue''': ''[puts a new ghost suit on Dinky]'' Aw give the kid a chance.
:'''Clyde''': Come on fellows. Well make a ghost monster out of Dinky yet.

=== ''Once Upon a Chomp'' [1.20] ===
:''[Pinky has inflated to giant size and surprises Pac-Man and Ms. Pac.]''
:'''Pinky''':  Fee Fie Foe Fomp, Pac-Man's gonna get a great big chomp!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Pac-Man and Ms. Pac are on the run from the Ghost Monsters.]''
:'''Pac-Man''': Quick, hide behind that pink curtain!
:''[They zip behind the curtain, but it's not a curtain at all - it's the giant Pinky!]''
:'''Pinky''': Duh, looks like it's curtains for you two!
:''[Pinky pulls aside the lower portion of his sheet to expose the trapped Pacs, and Clyde, Inky, Blinky, and Sue pounce on them, chomping away. When the crunching is done, Packy and Pepper stumble dizzily and faint, flopping onto their backs.]''

=== ''The Pac-Love Boat'' [1.21] ===

=== ''The Great Power-Pellet Robbery'' [1.22] ===

=== ''A Bad Case of the Chomps'' [1.23] ===
:'''Pac-Man''': I feel much better!
:'''Pepper''': Perhaps you haven't seen the bill.
:''[Pac-Man passes out, sobbing on a gurney where a nurse carts him away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ghosts''': ''[singing to the tune of the Toreador Song]'' We'll chomp old Pac-Man, chomp him day and night! You chomp his left side, we'll chomp his right! 

=== ''Goo-Goo at the Zoo'' [1.24] ===

=== ''Nighty Nightmares'' [1.25] ===

=== ''The Pac-Mummy'' [1.26] ===
:'''Pac-Baby''': Ooh, look Mama! Big baby wear big diaper!
:'''Pepper''': That's no big baby! That's a Pac-Mummy! 

=== ''Christmas Comes to PacLand'' [1.27] ===
:''[Chasing the Pac-Family]''
:'''Clyde''': Down the hill...
:'''Inky''': ...and after that bum.
:'''Pinky''': Look out Pac-Man...
:'''Sue''': ...cause here we come!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ms. Pac''': Oh, what'll we do now? Without some power-pellets, those Ghost Monsters will chomp us for sure!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Sue threatens Pac-Man]''
:'''Sue''': Prepare to be chomped, Pac-fink!
:'''Sue''': C'mon, fellas, let's chomp him!
:'''Sue''': C'mon, let's quit wasting time and chomp on his bones!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pac-Man''': Well, you know what I always say - if you can't beat 'em, RUN! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Clyde''': Forget it Pac-Man! Your clever talk ain't going to get you out of this mess!
:'''Pac-Man''': But wait, you don't understand! I'm not doing this for me. Just think of all the millions of deserving children around the world who wont get their Christmas presents, if you open your mouths instead of your hearts.
:''[Blinky, Pinky, Inky, and Sue start to cry]''
:'''Clyde''': Ah, what a bunch of humbug.
:'''Inky''': Aw! ''[sniffles]'' Give the guy a break Clyde!
:'''Pinky''': Yeah! ''[sobs]'' Think of all the little kids Clyde!
:'''Sue''': And the big kids too Clyde!
:'''Clyde''': Alright already! ''[to Pac-Man]'' Just this once Pac-Man, but remember when Christmas is over we'll be back!
:'''Pac-Man''': Aw thanks. You won't regret this. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pac-Man''': ''[Handing out gifts]'' Inky, Pinky, Blinky, Clyde, Sue.
:'''Clyde''': Why, I-I don't know what to say!
:'''Pac-Baby''': How about &quot;Thank you&quot;?!
:'''Ghost Monsters''': Th-th-th-th-th...Thank you!
:'''Pac-Man''': Aww! Don't thank us, thank Santa Claus.
:'''Santa''': ''[Skyward in his sleigh]'' Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hooo! Merry Christmas to all. And to all a good chomp!

== Cast ==
* [[w:Marty Ingels|Marty Ingels]] – [[w:Pac-Man|Pac-Man]]
* [[w:Allan Lurie|Allan Lurie]] – Mezmaron
* [[w:Neil Ross|Neil Ross]] – Clyde
* [[w:Susan Silo|Susan Silo]] – Sue
* [[Peter Cullen]] – Sour Puss
* [[w:Barry Gordon|Barry Gordon]] – Inky
* [[w:Darryl Hickman|Darryl Hickman]] – [[w:Jr. Pac-Man|P.J.]] (second season)
* [[w:Chuck McCann|Chuck McCann]] – Blinky, Pinky
* Barbara Minkus – [[w:Ms. Pac-Man|Ms. Pac-Man]]
* [[w:Lorenzo Music|Lorenzo Music]] – [[w:Super Pac-Man|Super-Pac]] (second season)
* [[w:Russi Taylor|Russi Taylor]] – [[w:Baby Pac-Man|Pac-Baby]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0083461|title=Pac-Man}}

[[Category:1980s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American animated TV spin-offs]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:ABC shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:TV shows about ghosts]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Batman: Arkham Asylum</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>144172</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147857</id>
      <parentid>3145852</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T22:18:43Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1700:C361:A40:511B:C420:E00E:10A4</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="12644" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Batman: Arkham Asylum|Batman: Arkham Asylum]]''''' is a 2009 [[w:Action-adventure game|action-adventure]] [[w:video game|video game]] developed by [[w:Rocksteady Studios|Rocksteady Studios]] and released by [[w:Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment|Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment]]. ''Arkham Asylum'' is written by veteran ''Batman'' writer [[w:Paul Dini|Paul Dini]], and is based on the franchise's long-running comic book mythos. In the game's main storyline, Batman's arch enemy the [[w:Joker (comics)|Joker]] instigates an elaborate plot to seize control of [[w:Arkham Asylum|Arkham Asylum]] and trap Batman inside with many of his incarcerated foes. With Joker threatening to detonate hidden bombs around fictional [[w:Gotham City|Gotham City]], Batman is forced to fight his way through the asylum's inmates and put an end to Joker's plans. The game's leading characters are predominantly voiced by actors from the [[w:DC animated universe|DC Animated Universe]], with [[w:Kevin Conroy|Kevin Conroy]] and [[w:Mark Hamill|Mark Hamill]] reprising their roles as Batman and the [[w:Joker (comics)|Joker]], respectively. 

==Bane==
*I shall fold you like paper!
*I WILL CRUSH YOU!
*I WILL BREAK YOU THIS TIME, BATMAN!

==Batman==
*I'm fine. I eat punks like these for breakfast.
*I'm Batman.

==Harley Quinn==
*&quot;Ooh, that's gotta hurt!&quot;
*&quot;This old man looks like he's gonna pee himself. Someone bring me a bucket.&quot;
*&quot;Like my new uniform bats? Its hot right?&quot;

==Joker==
* Tell me, Bats. What are you ''really'' scared of? Failing to save this cesspool of a city? Not finding the Commissioner in time? Me, in a thong?
*Sorry, Has-Bane, the good Doctor won't be a problem much longer. How do you like my puppet? What say we cut him down? ''[presses a detonator]''
*I've waited a long time for this, Bats. Let's start the party… ''[pulls and points out his gun at Batman]'' With a ''BANG!'' ''[shoots Batman]''
*You had to spoil everything, didn't you? Beating up Bane, feeding Scarecrow to Croc, slapping around Harley--''my'' hobby, by the way--and ruining ''all'' my lovely Venom plants.
*Nicely done, Bats! You deserve a prize! Your old pal, Commissioner Gordon. Say, he looks all run-down. Let's ''pep'' him up!
*Ooh, here we go! We're going to have some fun now, kiddies! You're trying to resist the change! That's not fair! Come on! Give in! ''[Batman punches him under the chin]'' So, you wanna play hardball, Bats? Do ya? Your call! ''[takes out a feather to tickle him]'' Tickle, tickle! ''[Batman smacks his hand away]'' Ow! You're ruining my big night! All those months of planning down the crapper! I just wanted to bring down your grim facade, and for once let you see the world as I see it, giggling in a corner and bleeding! But you've denied me even that! I have nothing left to live for. ''[injects himself with Titan]''
*Showtime, Batman!

==Oracle==
*&quot;My God! Is Joker crazy enough to try that...? What am I saying? You've got to stop him!&quot;

==Riddler==
*&quot;Can you hear me, Batman? I know you can. It is I, Edward Nygma, the Riddler, and more importantly, your intellectual superior. My genius has allowed me to hack into your primative communications. Ha ha. My goal is simple: you complete a series of amusingly taxing challenges and... well, you'll see.&quot;
*&quot;What? You're nearly done? Are you cheating? Looking them up on the internet? Tell me.&quot;
*&quot;I am Edward Nygma. The world's greatest detective.&quot;
*&quot;You are beginning to impress me, Batman. I'll let you help me find my socks if you keep this up.&quot;

==Scarecrow==
*&quot;You've ingested enough toxin to drive 10 men insane! What are you!?&quot;
*&quot;You married your wife because you were scared of dying alone. You had children because you're scared you won't leave behind anything important. You go to doctors because you're scared of dying... need I go on?&quot;
*&quot;What are you, Batman? Chicken?&quot;
*&quot;Is your mind playing tricks on you... or am I?&quot;
*&quot;Are you enjoying the extra dose, little Bat?&quot;
*&quot;Why fight it, Batman? You're as crazy as the rest of us. You need us just as much as we need you.&quot;
*&quot;At the end of fear, oblivion.&quot;

==Scarface==
*&quot;Our head of research, Dr. Crane, has made no real progress, but he seems to enjoy his work so, what the hell.&quot;
*&quot;When I first heard the Joker aimed to take over this bughouse, like many of us, I thought he was crazy. When he outlined his vision of a hospital dedicated to ensuring inmates remain loopy for as long as possible, I thought he was wacky. But when he held me down and razor cut a new smile on my face, I decided he had a point; Situated in a small island in Gotham Bay, we stop at nothing to making sure no screwballs fly the coop.&quot;
*&quot;Our new patient ward is &quot;manned&quot; by Waylon Jones. I'm assured that he's cured almost every patient sent to him, and boasts empty beds in all his wards.&quot;

==Victor Zsasz==
*&quot;I see anything that looks even a little bit like a bat and this guard dies. Do you hear me?&quot;

==Dialogue==
:'''Joker''': Seeing as how I'm feeling generous, I'll give you this one for free! Knock me off, I dare you, end this! Stop me once and for all! [Batman prepares to throw a batarang but doesn't, Joker laughs] Oh you're getting too predictable, Bats. Gotta go! I've got a party to arrange.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': Wee! Great night for a party.
:'''Batman''': Not where you're going.
:'''Joker''': The night is young, Bats. I still have a trick or two up my sleeve. I mean, don't you think it's a little bit funny how a fire at Blackgate caused hundreds of my crew to be moved here?
:'''Frank Boles''': I thought I told you to stay quiet!
:'''Joker''': Oh Frankie, you really should learn to keep that fat mouth of yours shut. It'll get you into trouble.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': I can take it... I can take anything you throw at me, Bats. You can't beat me this time, I'm actually going to win! Ready for the next round?
:'''Batman''': Always.
:'''Joker''': What!?
:'''Batman''': I'll never let you win. Never!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': Now look at what you've done!
:'''Scarface''': ME? It was YOUR plan, yah goofy clown!
:'''Joker''': That's it! I'm sending you back to the Ventriloquist where you belong!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': Having a little trouble up there?
:'''Batman''': Joker!
:'''Joker''': You were expecting maybe Two-Face?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': Harley Quinn tried to slow me down. Dropped an elevator on me.
:'''Oracle''': [Amused] Did it work?
:'''Batman''': [Chuckles] Of course not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Killer Croc''': I've got your scent, Batman! I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN!! [is remotely electrocuted] A toy collar won't stop me from killing you, Batman. I'LL RIP YOU APART, EAT YOUR BONES!!!!.
:'''Joker''': That reminds me, I really need to get some new shoes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bane''': I will break you, Batman, then the bruja!
:'''Batman''': No, Bane, this time I break you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Commissioner Gordon''': You took longer than I expected.
:'''Batman''': Joker's out of control, he's trying to prove something. I'm not sure I can stop him this time.
:'''Commissioner Gordon''': You'll do it. Listen, Batman, we're not alone. He's got someone down there...
:'''Joker''': What a blabbermouth! Spoiling the surprise!
:'''Batman''': Be quiet.
:'''Joker''': Am I getting to you? Am I? Good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Young Gordon''': Come on, kid, this way. Take a seat in my office.
:'''Cop #1''': Is he okay?
:'''Cop #2''': He'll be fine. Kid like that, with all that money? He'll be just fine.
:'''Young Gordon''': Shut up, now! He's eight years old and all alone! Money won't fix that.
:'''Cop #2''': Whatever you say, Gordon. His butler's on his way to pick him up. You hear that? He's got a butler.
:'''Young Gordon''': I'm sorry about that. I just need to ask you some questions. Can I get you anything? You okay?
:'''Young Gordon''': I know you don't feel like answering me, but it's the only way to catch who did this.
:'''Young Bruce Wayne''': [crying] Why did he do it, Officer? Why?
:'''Young Gordon''': I don't know. It's this city, there's something wrong with it. And listen, son, call me Jim.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Poison Ivy''': You will pay, Batman. For hurting my babies.
:'''Joker''': Oh God... Does she ever stop going on about those plants of hers?
:'''Poison Ivy''': When I finish with Batman, I'll be coming after you, Joker!
:'''Joker''': Will you really. Well, that's gratitude, isn't it? Women! You give'em presents, experimental chemicals and nice costumes and they still turn on you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': How about a hand for Mr. Cash? He could sure use one. Ha ha ha.
:'''Aaron Cash''': You'll be laughing out of your butt when I get out of here!
:'''Joker''': Lighten up, homes. I'm just messin' with ya.
:'''Aaron Cash''': Can't wait to return the favor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Penelope Young''': Patient Interview #39, July 29th. Patient's name is Edward Nigma. Mr. Nigma, tell us about your childhood.
:'''Riddler''': Miserable. Next?
:'''Penelope Young''': By all accounts that is where your fascination with riddles began. I believe discussing those years could explain your compulsive behavior.
:'''Riddler''': Very well. My father hated me. He always called me a moron.
:'''Penelope Young''': I see.
:'''Riddler''': I was determined to prove him wrong. So I entered a contest at school. A $20 prize to the kid who can solve an almost impossible logic problem. And I won, of course.
:'''Penelope Young''': And did that please your father?
:'''Riddler''': Hardly. He was convinced that I had cheated. He kept yelling, &quot;You must have cheated! Admit it, you moron, you cheated!&quot; I swore to him that I didn't, and he hit me for lying.
:'''Penelope Young''': Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
:'''Riddler''': Don't be. He was right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Penelope Young''': Patient interview #21, patient's name is Edward Nygma, also known as the Riddler. So Edward, Warden Sharpe tells me you've been leaving threatening riddles scrawled on the asylum walls. Again.
:'''Riddler''': One would have to be severely paranoid to read threats into harmless riddles Dr Young. May I test you with one?
:'''Penelope Young''': Very well.
:'''Riddler''': What is it that walks on four legs, then two legs, and finally three legs.
:'''Penelope Young''': A human being. As a baby it crawls on four legs, as an adult it walks on two, and in later years it uses a cane.
:'''Riddler''': [laughs] Good try. But the answer to all three is a baby. True it crawls on all fours, but cut off it's legs and it can only wiggle on two limbs. Give it a crutch, it can hobble around on three. You see?
:'''Penelope Young''': That's horrible. How can you even joke about that?
:'''Riddler''': Easily doctor. It's not my baby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Riddler''': You seem distressed, Doctor. Anything you could use my help with?
:'''Penelope Young''': No thank you, Edward. I'm here to help you. We all are.
:'''Riddler''': Forgive my arrogance, Doctor, but if you think I need your help, well, you're in the right place.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': He's crazy, you know.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Who, Batman?
:'''Joker''': No, Santa Claus. Of course Batman! Always Batman!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': Tell me something, you've never let me capture you this easily. What are you really planning?
:'''Joker''': Oh, nothing much. Hundreds dying in pain and fear, all their meaningless lives brought to a horrifying conclusion. All thanks to you and a book of matches. Was that the answer you wanted?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Oracle''': [reading an exchange between Dr. Young and Joker] She's begging to stop the experiment, saying it's too dangerous. Joker's not listening... random threats to her family, a couple of bad jokes... a picture of a dead baby and a threat.
:'''Batman''': Go on.
:'''Oracle''': He says &quot;I'm coming for you. I want what I paid for.&quot; Then a joke about wheelchairs. Lovely. And a drawing of some kind of donkey.
:'''Batman''': No mystery why she's so scared. I'm heading up to the surface. I'll find her.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Scarecrow''': Hello, Stephen, how are you today?
:'''Dr. Stephen Kellerman''': I keep telling you, this is MY session.
:'''Scarecrow''': It was your session, Doctor. But not anymore.
:'''Guard''': Doc, are you okay?
:'''Scarecrow''': [before Kellerman can respond] Oh he's fine. Just questioning his grip on reality. You should be doing the same any time now.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|1282022|Batman: Arkham Asylum}}

[[Category:DC Comics]]
[[Category:2009 video games]]
[[Category:Batman: Arkham (series)]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Ordinary People</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>144965</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147379</id>
      <parentid>3147229</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T12:16:01Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>Reverted edit by [[User:2603:6010:5B01:6D00:E90B:7D57:7E3:B236|2603:6010:5B01:6D00:E90B:7D57:7E3:B236]] ([[User talk:2603:6010:5B01:6D00:E90B:7D57:7E3:B236|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/2603:6010:5B01:6D00:E90B:7D57:7E3:B236|contributions]]) to last version by UDScott</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="8859" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Ordinary People|Ordinary People]]''''' is a [[w:1980 in film|1980 American drama film]] about the disintegration of an upper-middle class family in Lake Forest, Illinois, following the death of a son in a boating accident. 
:Directed by [[w:Robert Redford|Robert Redford]]. Written by [[w:Alvin Sargent|Alvin Sargent]], based on the 1976 novel ''Ordinary People'' by [[w:Judith Guest|Judith Guest]]. 
{{center|'''Everything is in its proper place... Except the past.'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]}}

== Cal ==

* &quot;Well, don't admire people too much. They&quot;ll disappoint you sometimes.&quot;

== Beth ==

* You know, I think this can be saved. It's a nice clean break.
** To her mother about the platter she just broke.

== Karen ==

* Conrad. Let's have a great Christmas. Let's have … a great year. Let's have the best year of our whole lives. We can, you know … this could be the best one ever..

== Dr. Berger ==

* A little advice about feelings, kiddo; don't expect it always to tickle.

== Dialogue ==

:'''Cal''': He just wants to know that you don't hate him.
:'''Beth''': Hate him! How could I hate him? Mothers don't hate their sons! Is that what he told you? You see how you believe everything he tells you? And you can't do the same for me, you can't! GOD I DON'T KNOW WHAT ANYONE WANTS FROM ME ANYMORE!
:'''Ward''': Beth, we don't want anything from you; Audrey, Cal, Connie and Me, we just want you to be happy.
:'''Beth''': Happy! Ward, you tell me the definition of happy. But first you better make sure you happy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Conrad''': It's impossible after all the shit I've pulled.
:'''Dr. Berger''': What shit have you pulled? ''[pause]'' Hey, remember, I'm talking proportion here, now what shit? ''[pause]''  C'mon, you must be able to come up with at least one example. ''[pause]'' And don't give me, &quot;I tried to kill myself.&quot; That's old turkey.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Jeannine''': Can you ever break the ball?
:'''Conrad''': You can't break the ball. Can't break the floor. Can't break anything in a bowling alley. And that's what I like about bowling alleys. Can't even break the record.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Beth''': Calvin? Why are you crying? Can I, uh … can I get you something?
:'''Cal''': I don't...
:'''Beth''': What did you say? Calvin, what did you say? Tell me!
:'''Cal''': You are beautiful. And you are unpredictable. But you're so cautious. You're ''determined'', Beth; but you know something? You're not strong. And I don't know if you're really giving. Tell me something. Do you love me? You ''really'' love me?
:'''Beth''': I feel the way I've always felt about you.
:'''Cal''': [pause] We would have been alright, if there hadn't been any mess. But you can't handle mess. You need everything neat and easy. I don't know, maybe you can't love anybody. It was so much Buck. When Buck died, it was as if you buried all your love with him, and I don't understand that, I just don't know, I don't... maybe it wasn't even Buck; maybe it was just you. Maybe, finally, it was the best of ''you'' that you buried. But, whatever it was... I don't know who you are. And I don't know what we've been playing at. So I was crying. Because I don't know if I love you anymore. And I don't know what I'm going to do without that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Conrad''': You woulda visited Buck if he was in the hospital.
:'''Beth''': Buck would have never been in the hospital!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Conrad''': ''[about Karen's suicide]'' I feel bad about this! I feel really, really bad about this! Just let me feel bad about this!
:'''Dr. Berger''': Okay. I feel bad about it, too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Conrad''': ''[seeing Beth set the table]'' Can I help?
:'''Beth''': Help with what?
:'''Conrad''': With … this?
:'''Beth''': No. I'll tell you what you can do is go upstairs to that room of yours and clean out the closet.
:'''Conrad''': ''[still desperately trying to talk with her]'' Mom?
:'''Beth''': ''[sensing this, but afraid]'' Okay? Because it really is a mess. ''[they stare at each other in silence for a moment before the phone rings]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dr. Berger''': Now. You can live with that. Can't you?
:'''Conrad''': I'm so scared! I'm scared.
:'''Dr. Berger''': Feelings are scary. And sometimes they're painful. And if you can't feel pain, then you're not going to feel anything else, either. You know what I'm saying?
:'''Conrad''': I think so.
:'''Dr. Berger''': You're here, and you're alive. And don't tell me you don't feel that.
:'''Conrad''': It doesn't feel good.
:'''Dr. Berger''': It is good. Believe me.
:'''Conrad''': How do you know?
:'''Dr. Berger''': Because I'm your friend.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dr. Berger''': So you felt great. You brought home a Christmas tree and everything was hunky dory. Okay?
:'''Conrad''': You're the doctor.
:'''Dr. Berger''': Listen, don't take refuge in one-liners like &quot;you're the doctor&quot;. Okay? Because that pisses me off.
:'''Conrad''': Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Conrad''': ''[Dr. Berger is pretending to be Buck, Con's older brother]'' Bucky, I didn't mean it! Bucky, I didn't meant it!
:'''Dr. Berger''': What?
:'''Conrad''': I said put the sail down, but you said keep it starboard, and then we go over! And you say &quot;Hang on, Hang on!&quot;, but then you let go! Why'd you let go?
:'''Dr. Berger''': Because I was tired!
:'''Conrad''': Oh yeah? Well screw you, you jerk!
:'''Dr. Berger''': ''[abandoning his role]'' It hurts to be mad at him, doesn't it?
:'''Conrad''': God, I loved him. It's not fair. You just do one wrong thing.
:'''Dr. Berger''': And what was the one wrong thing you did? [pause] You know. [pause] You know.
:'''Conrad''': I hung on. I stayed with the boat.
:'''Dr. Berger''': Exactly.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Jeannine''': ''[the suicide attempt scars on Conrad's wrist are displayed]'' Did it hurt?
:'''Conrad''': I don't remember, really.
:'''Jeannine''': You don't want to talk about it?
:'''Conrad''': I've never really talked about it. To doctors. But, not to anyone else. You're the first who's asked.
:'''Jeannine''': Why did you do it?
:'''Conrad''': Uh … I don't know. It was like … falling into a hole. It keeps getting bigger and bigger and you can't escape. All of a sudden, it's inside … and you're the hole. You're trapped. And it's all over. Something like that. It's not really scary … except when you think back on it. 'Cause you know what you were feeling …

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Cal''': What I'm … gonna say … will sound strange.
:'''Beth''': What happened? Come inside.
:'''Cal''': Could we talk about Buck's funeral?
:'''Beth''': Whaaaat?
:'''Cal''': It'll seem trivial. But, it's on my mind and I'd like to talk about it. When I was getting dressed for Buck's funeral …
:'''Beth''': Calvin, what's the matter with you?
:'''Cal''': Just let me get it off my chest,OK?
:'''Beth''': What could getting dressed for Buck's funeral … have to do with anything, right now?
:'''Cal''': I was wearing a blue shirt. You said, &quot;wear a white shirt and the other shoes.&quot; It was nothing at the time, but, it seemed to stay with me. And I, for some reason, had been thinking about it and it suddenly occurred to me, what difference did it make what I wore to Buck's funeral?
:'''Beth''': Uh, huh.
:'''Cal''': Just hear me out, Beth, it won't hurt you to listen!
:'''Beth''': I won't listen to that. No one in their right mind would listen to that!
:'''Cal''': I just want to talk about something I always remembered.
:'''Beth''': Why do you want to remind me?
:'''Cal''': Because I've always wondered, in some needling way, what it mattered what I wore. I was crazy that day. We were going to our son's funeral and you were worried about what I wore on my feet. I'm sure it sounds like nothing to you, but it stuck with me and I just wanted … to tell you about it.

== Taglines ==
* Everything is in its proper place... Except the past.
* Some films you watch, others you feel.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Donald Sutherland|Donald Sutherland]] - Calvin &quot;Cal&quot; Jarrett
* [[Mary Tyler Moore]] - Beth Jarrett
* [[w:Judd Hirsch|Judd Hirsch]] - Dr. Tyrone Berger
* [[w:Timothy Hutton|Timothy Hutton]] - Conrad &quot;Con&quot; Jarrett
* [[w:M. Emmet Walsh|M. Emmet Walsh]] - Salan
* [[w:Elizabeth McGovern|Elizabeth McGovern]] - Jeannine Pratt
* [[w:Dinah Manoff|Dinah Manoff]] - Karen Aldrich
* [[w:Fredric Lehne|Fredric Lehne]] - Joe Lazenby

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title|0081283|Ordinary People}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=ordinary_people|title=Ordinary People}}
* {{mojo title|ordinarypeople|Ordinary People}}

[[Category:1980 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Drama films]]
[[Category:Films based on novels]]
[[Category:Best Picture Academy Award winners]]
[[Category:Films about psychiatry]]
[[Category:Films about dysfunctional families]]
[[Category:Films set in Chicago]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Waterloo (1970 film)</title>
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    <revision>
      <id>3147984</id>
      <parentid>3140299</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T03:03:40Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>JaesemD.Manucan2021</username>
        <id>3109169</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Emperor Napoleon I of France */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="10585" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Waterloo (1970 film)|Waterloo]]''''' is a a [[w:1970 in film|1970]] Soviet-Italian film in which conqueror Napoleon Bonaparte and his army, facing the decline of everything he has worked to obtain, confront the British at the 1815 [[w:Battle of Waterloo|Battle of Waterloo]]. 
:''Directed by [[w:Sergei Bondarchuk|Sergei Bondarchuk]]. Written by H. A. L. Craig, Sergei Bondarchuk, Vittorio Bonicelli, and [[w:Mario Soldati|Mario Soldati]].''
&lt;center&gt;'''Waterloo. The battle that changed the face of the world.'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]&lt;/center&gt;

== Field Marshall [[Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington]] ==
* ''[to the Duchess of Richmond about arranging the ball]'' You really are the best of my generals.

* ''[referring to his army]'' I don't know what they'll do to the enemy; but, by God, they frighten me.

* ''[on Napolean's maneuver that split the English and Prussian armies]'' By God, that man does war honor.

* ''[to a trumpeter, trying fruitlessly to recall the British cavalry]'' Stop that useless noise...! You'll hurt yourself.

* Give me night, or give me Blücher.

* Next to a battle lost, there's nothing so melancholy as a battle won.

== Emperor [[Napoleon I]] of France ==
* Never interrupt your enemy while he's making a mistake. That's bad manners.

* ''[thinks to himself, about Wellington]'' This Englishman has two qualities I admire: caution, and above all, courage.

* I can't believe my ears. You all stand before me, waving a piece of paper, crying 'abdicate, abdicate!' '''I WILL NOT!!! I WILL NOT, NOT, NOT!!!'''

* ''[dictating a letter]'' To my dear Prince Alexis... I did not &quot;usurp&quot; the crown. I found it, in the gutter, and I, I picked it up with my sword, and it was the people, Alexis, the people who put it on my head. He who saves a nation violates no law.

* I am France, and France is me!

* I've been in this position before at the [[w:Battle of Marengo|Battle of Marengo]]. I lost the battle at five o'clock, but '''''I won it back again at seven!'''''

== Marshal Michel Ney ==
* ''[attempting to rally the Imperial Guard]'' Up to them. Up to them! Do I fight alone? Are you French? Fight with me! Are you the Guard? Stand with me! Do you know me? I am Ney! Ney, Marshal of France!

== Field Marshall Gebhard von Blücher ==
* ''[launching his attack on the French right]'' Raise high the black flags, children. No pity. No prisoners. I'll shoot any man I see with pity in him. Forward!

== Dialogue ==
:'''Napoleon Bonaparte''': Well they've done it! The whole of Europe has declared war against me! Not against France, but against me.
:'''Le Bedoyere''': They dignify you sire by making you a Nation!
:'''Napoleon Bonaparte''': ''[laughing]'' Dignify? Dignify? They deny me the decency of law! They make it legal that any clown can kill me.
:'''Michel Ney''': Well we've fought with mud in our boots before!
:'''Napoleon Bonaparte''': Yes well, I'll discuss peace over Wellington's dead body, that's my peace table!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Louis XVIII''': I know you loved this man.
:'''Michel Ney''': I did, once. But I promise you, that I will bring him back to Paris in an iron cage. ''[exits]''
:'''King Louis XVIII''': How they exaggerate, these soldiers, &quot;In an iron cage&quot;? Nobody asked for that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lord Uxbridge''': ''[clears throat]'' Sir.
:'''Duke of Wellington''': ''[removing his copy of The Times from over his face]'' Ah, Uxbridge.
:'''Lord Uxbridge''': As I am second-in-command and in case anything should happen to you, what are your plans?
:'''Duke of Wellington''': ''[brightly]'' To beat the French. ''[goes back to sleep, replacing the newspaper over his head]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Napoleon Bonaparte''': Cross the river. Tomorrow we will dry our boots in Brussels.
:'''Michel Ney''': God willing, sire.
:'''Napoleon Bonaparte''': God? God has nothing to do with it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Duchess of Richmond''': ''[referring to the English troops]'' They're the salt of England, Arthur.
:'''Duke of Wellington''': Scum. Nothing but beggars and scoundrels, all of them. Gin is the spirit of their patriotism.
:'''Duchess of Richmond''': Yet you expect them to die for you?
:'''Duke of Wellington''': Um-hum.
:'''Duchess of Richmond''': Out of duty?
:'''Duke of Wellington''': Um-hum.
:'''Duchess of Richmond''': I doubt if even Bonaparte could draw men to him by duty.
:'''Duke of Wellington''': Oh, Boney's not a gentleman.
:'''Duchess of Richmond''': Arthur! What an Englishman you are.
:'''Duke of Wellington''': On the field of battle his hat is worth fifty thousand men; but he is not a gentleman.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Napoleon Bonaparte''': When I am dead and gone what will the world say of me?
:'''Le Bedoyere''': They'll say that you extended the limits of glory, sire.
:'''Napoleon Bonaparte''': The limits of glory'; is that all I have to leave to my son, the 'limits of glory'?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Napoleon Bonaparte''': Le Bedoyere, do you have any children?
:'''Le Bedoyere''': Yes, sire; one son, very young, no taller than your boot.
:'''Napoleon Bonaparte''': And if he were with you, would you want him with you here today?
:'''Le Bedoyere''': Yes, sire.
:'''Napoleon Bonaparte''': Yes, why?
:'''Le Bedoyere''': So he could see you, sire.
:'''Napoleon Bonaparte''': See me? You know, I have a son. I'd give anything in the world to see him. I'd give my heart, I'd give my life, but not here. I wouldn't want him to witness this battle here today.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[before the battle starts, the British troops are singing a mocking song about Napoleon]''
:'''William De Lancey''': Shall I shut them up, Sir?
:'''Duke of Wellington''': No, no, indulge it . Anything that wastes time is good. Indulge it. Normally I don't like cheering, but there's always a time to cut cards with the Devil.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Duke of Wellington''': The whole line will advance.
:'''Lord Uxbridge''': In which direction your grace?
:'''Duke of Wellington''': Why, straight ahead to be sure.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Michel Ney''': Wellington's on the run! I caught him at Quatre Bras! He's retreating!
:'''Napoleon Bonaparte''': If Wellington's retreating, what are you doing here?
:'''Michel Ney''': But, Sire...
:'''Napoleon Bonaparte''': If Wellington's retreating, what are you doing here? Why didn't you follow him? Why didn't you pursue?
:'''Michel Ney''': ''[Raises voice]'' where are the reinforcements you promised me?
:'''Napoleon Bonaparte''': ''[shouting]'' Don't you dare criticize me! Don't you dare! Don't you see if Wellington's free to choose his ground then everything I've won in this campaign you've lost!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''British artillery commander''': Sir, Napoleon has ventured within range. May I have your permission to try a shot?
:'''Duke of Wellington''': ''[stares at him a moment]'' Certainly not! Leaders of armies have better things to do than fire at each other.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after a cannon shot has landed near the Duke of Wellington and the Earl of Uxbridge]''
:'''Lord Uxbridge''': By God sir, I've lost my leg.
:'''Duke of Wellington''': By God sir, so you have.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[as the Old Guard advances]''
:'''Officer''': Sire! The Prussians are in the woods! Blücher is in the woods!
:'''Napoleon Bonaparte''': If I made one mistake in my life, I should have burned Berlin.

== Taglines ==
* ONE INCREDIBLE AFTERNOON NAPOLEON MET WELLINGTON...AT WATERLOO

* Waterloo. The battle that changed the face of the world.

* The Men, the Battle, The Glory, The World Will Remember Forever

== Cast ==
* [[w:Rod Steiger|Rod Steiger]] - [[Napoleon I of France|Emperor Napoleon I of France]]
* [[w:Christopher Plummer|Christopher Plummer]] - [[Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington|Field Marshal Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington]]
* [[Orson Welles]] - [[w:Louis XVIII of France|King Louis XVIII of France]]
* [[w:Jack Hawkins|Jack Hawkins]] - [[w:Thomas Picton|Lieutenant-General Sir Thomas Picton]]
* [[w:Virginia McKenna|Virginia McKenna]] - [[w:Charlotte Lennox, Duchess of Richmond|Charlotte Lennox, Duchess of Richmond]]
* [[w:Dan O'Herlihy|Dan O'Herlihy]] - [[w:Michel Ney|Marshal Michel Ney]]
* [[w:Rupert Davies|Rupert Davies]] - [[w:Alexander Gordon, 4th Duke of Gordon|Colonel Alexander Gordon, 4th Duke of Gordon]]
* [[w:Philippe Forquet|Philippe Forquet]] - [[w:Charles de la Bédoyère|Brigadier-General Charles de la Bédoyère]]
* [[w:Gianni Garko|Gianni Garko]] - [[w:Antoine Drouot|Major-General Antoine Drouot]]
* [[w:Ivo Garrani|Ivo Garrani]] - [[w:Nicolas Jean-de-Dieu Soult|Marshal Nicolas Jean-de-Dieu Soult]]
* [[w:Ian Ogilvy|Ian Ogilvy]] - [[w:William Howe DeLancey|Colonel Sir William Howe DeLancey]]
* [[w:Michael Wilding (actor)|Michael Wilding]] - [[w:William Ponsonby (British Army officer)|Major-General The Honourable Sir William Ponsonby]]
* [[w:Sergo Zakariadze|Sergo Zakariadze]] - [[w:Gebhard Leberecht von Blücher|Field Marshal Gebhard von Blücher, Fürst von Wahlstatt]] 
* [[w:Terence Alexander|Terence Alexander]] - [[w:Henry Paget, 1st Marquess of Anglesey|Lieutenant-General Henry Paget, 2nd Earl of Uxbridge]]
* [[w:Andrea Checchi|Andrea Checchi]] - Soldier of the Old Guard
* [[w:Donal Donnelly|Donal Donnelly]] - Corporal O'Connor (as Donald Donnelly)
* [[w:Charles Millot|Charles Millot]] - [[w:Emmanuel de Grouchy, Marquis de Grouchy|Marshal Emmanuel de Grouchy, Marquis de Grouchy]]
* [[w:Yevgeny Samoylov|Yevgeny Samoylov]] - [[w:Pierre Cambronne|Brigadier-General Pierre Cambronne]] 
* [[w:Oleg Vidov|Oleg Vidov]] - Tomlinson
* Charles Borromel - Mulholland
* Peter Davies - [[w:James Hay, Lord Hay|Ensign James Hay, Lord Hay]]
* [[w:Veronica De Laurentiis|Veronica De Laurentiis]] - [[w:William Howe DeLancey|Magdalene DeLancey]]
* [[w:Vladimir Druzhnikov|Vladimir Druzhnikov]] - Gerard 
* [[w:Willoughby Gray|Willoughby Gray]] - Ramsey
* Roger Green - Duncan
* [[w:Orso Maria Guerrini|Orso Maria Guerrini]] - Officer
* [[w:Richard Heffer|Richard Heffer]] - Mercer
* [[w:Orazio Orlando|Orazio Orlando]] - Constant
* [[w:John Savident|John Savident]] - [[w:Karl Freiherr von Müffling|Major-General Karl Freiherr von Müffling]]
* [[w:Jeffry Wickham|Jeffry Wickham]] - Colborne
* Susan Wood - Lady Sarah Lennox
* [[w:Gennadi Yudin|Gennadi Yudin]] - Chactas 

== External Links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title|0066549|Waterloo}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|waterloo|Waterloo}}
* {{Amg movie|53582|Waterloo}}

[[Category:1970 films]]
[[Category:Italian films]]
[[Category:Soviet films]]
[[Category:War films]]
[[Category:History films]]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147986</id>
      <parentid>3147984</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T03:12:06Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>JaesemD.Manucan2021</username>
        <id>3109169</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Emperor Napoleon I of France */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="10690" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Waterloo (1970 film)|Waterloo]]''''' is a a [[w:1970 in film|1970]] Soviet-Italian film in which conqueror Napoleon Bonaparte and his army, facing the decline of everything he has worked to obtain, confront the British at the 1815 [[w:Battle of Waterloo|Battle of Waterloo]]. 
:''Directed by [[w:Sergei Bondarchuk|Sergei Bondarchuk]]. Written by H. A. L. Craig, Sergei Bondarchuk, Vittorio Bonicelli, and [[w:Mario Soldati|Mario Soldati]].''
&lt;center&gt;'''Waterloo. The battle that changed the face of the world.'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]&lt;/center&gt;

== Field Marshall [[Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington]] ==
* ''[to the Duchess of Richmond about arranging the ball]'' You really are the best of my generals.

* ''[referring to his army]'' I don't know what they'll do to the enemy; but, by God, they frighten me.

* ''[on Napolean's maneuver that split the English and Prussian armies]'' By God, that man does war honor.

* ''[to a trumpeter, trying fruitlessly to recall the British cavalry]'' Stop that useless noise...! You'll hurt yourself.

* Give me night, or give me Blücher.

* Next to a battle lost, there's nothing so melancholy as a battle won.

== Emperor [[Napoleon I]] of France ==
* Never interrupt your enemy while he's making a mistake. That's bad manners.

* ''[thinks to himself, about Wellington]'' This Englishman has two qualities I admire: caution, and above all, courage.

* I can't believe my ears. You all stand before me, waving a piece of paper, crying 'abdicate, abdicate!' '''I WILL NOT!!! I WILL NOT, NOT, NOT!!!'''

*Soldiers of the 5th, do you recognise me? If any of you will shoot his Emperor, here I am. '''FIRE!'''

* ''[dictating a letter]'' To my dear Prince Alexis... I did not &quot;usurp&quot; the crown. I found it, in the gutter, and I, I picked it up with my sword, and it was the people, Alexis, the people who put it on my head. He who saves a nation violates no law.

* I am France, and France is me!

* I've been in this position before at the [[w:Battle of Marengo|Battle of Marengo]]. I lost the battle at five o'clock, but '''''I won it back again at seven!'''''

== Marshal Michel Ney ==
* ''[attempting to rally the Imperial Guard]'' Up to them. Up to them! Do I fight alone? Are you French? Fight with me! Are you the Guard? Stand with me! Do you know me? I am Ney! Ney, Marshal of France!

== Field Marshall Gebhard von Blücher ==
* ''[launching his attack on the French right]'' Raise high the black flags, children. No pity. No prisoners. I'll shoot any man I see with pity in him. Forward!

== Dialogue ==
:'''Napoleon Bonaparte''': Well they've done it! The whole of Europe has declared war against me! Not against France, but against me.
:'''Le Bedoyere''': They dignify you sire by making you a Nation!
:'''Napoleon Bonaparte''': ''[laughing]'' Dignify? Dignify? They deny me the decency of law! They make it legal that any clown can kill me.
:'''Michel Ney''': Well we've fought with mud in our boots before!
:'''Napoleon Bonaparte''': Yes well, I'll discuss peace over Wellington's dead body, that's my peace table!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Louis XVIII''': I know you loved this man.
:'''Michel Ney''': I did, once. But I promise you, that I will bring him back to Paris in an iron cage. ''[exits]''
:'''King Louis XVIII''': How they exaggerate, these soldiers, &quot;In an iron cage&quot;? Nobody asked for that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lord Uxbridge''': ''[clears throat]'' Sir.
:'''Duke of Wellington''': ''[removing his copy of The Times from over his face]'' Ah, Uxbridge.
:'''Lord Uxbridge''': As I am second-in-command and in case anything should happen to you, what are your plans?
:'''Duke of Wellington''': ''[brightly]'' To beat the French. ''[goes back to sleep, replacing the newspaper over his head]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Napoleon Bonaparte''': Cross the river. Tomorrow we will dry our boots in Brussels.
:'''Michel Ney''': God willing, sire.
:'''Napoleon Bonaparte''': God? God has nothing to do with it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Duchess of Richmond''': ''[referring to the English troops]'' They're the salt of England, Arthur.
:'''Duke of Wellington''': Scum. Nothing but beggars and scoundrels, all of them. Gin is the spirit of their patriotism.
:'''Duchess of Richmond''': Yet you expect them to die for you?
:'''Duke of Wellington''': Um-hum.
:'''Duchess of Richmond''': Out of duty?
:'''Duke of Wellington''': Um-hum.
:'''Duchess of Richmond''': I doubt if even Bonaparte could draw men to him by duty.
:'''Duke of Wellington''': Oh, Boney's not a gentleman.
:'''Duchess of Richmond''': Arthur! What an Englishman you are.
:'''Duke of Wellington''': On the field of battle his hat is worth fifty thousand men; but he is not a gentleman.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Napoleon Bonaparte''': When I am dead and gone what will the world say of me?
:'''Le Bedoyere''': They'll say that you extended the limits of glory, sire.
:'''Napoleon Bonaparte''': The limits of glory'; is that all I have to leave to my son, the 'limits of glory'?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Napoleon Bonaparte''': Le Bedoyere, do you have any children?
:'''Le Bedoyere''': Yes, sire; one son, very young, no taller than your boot.
:'''Napoleon Bonaparte''': And if he were with you, would you want him with you here today?
:'''Le Bedoyere''': Yes, sire.
:'''Napoleon Bonaparte''': Yes, why?
:'''Le Bedoyere''': So he could see you, sire.
:'''Napoleon Bonaparte''': See me? You know, I have a son. I'd give anything in the world to see him. I'd give my heart, I'd give my life, but not here. I wouldn't want him to witness this battle here today.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[before the battle starts, the British troops are singing a mocking song about Napoleon]''
:'''William De Lancey''': Shall I shut them up, Sir?
:'''Duke of Wellington''': No, no, indulge it . Anything that wastes time is good. Indulge it. Normally I don't like cheering, but there's always a time to cut cards with the Devil.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Duke of Wellington''': The whole line will advance.
:'''Lord Uxbridge''': In which direction your grace?
:'''Duke of Wellington''': Why, straight ahead to be sure.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Michel Ney''': Wellington's on the run! I caught him at Quatre Bras! He's retreating!
:'''Napoleon Bonaparte''': If Wellington's retreating, what are you doing here?
:'''Michel Ney''': But, Sire...
:'''Napoleon Bonaparte''': If Wellington's retreating, what are you doing here? Why didn't you follow him? Why didn't you pursue?
:'''Michel Ney''': ''[Raises voice]'' where are the reinforcements you promised me?
:'''Napoleon Bonaparte''': ''[shouting]'' Don't you dare criticize me! Don't you dare! Don't you see if Wellington's free to choose his ground then everything I've won in this campaign you've lost!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''British artillery commander''': Sir, Napoleon has ventured within range. May I have your permission to try a shot?
:'''Duke of Wellington''': ''[stares at him a moment]'' Certainly not! Leaders of armies have better things to do than fire at each other.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after a cannon shot has landed near the Duke of Wellington and the Earl of Uxbridge]''
:'''Lord Uxbridge''': By God sir, I've lost my leg.
:'''Duke of Wellington''': By God sir, so you have.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[as the Old Guard advances]''
:'''Officer''': Sire! The Prussians are in the woods! Blücher is in the woods!
:'''Napoleon Bonaparte''': If I made one mistake in my life, I should have burned Berlin.

== Taglines ==
* ONE INCREDIBLE AFTERNOON NAPOLEON MET WELLINGTON...AT WATERLOO

* Waterloo. The battle that changed the face of the world.

* The Men, the Battle, The Glory, The World Will Remember Forever

== Cast ==
* [[w:Rod Steiger|Rod Steiger]] - [[Napoleon I of France|Emperor Napoleon I of France]]
* [[w:Christopher Plummer|Christopher Plummer]] - [[Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington|Field Marshal Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington]]
* [[Orson Welles]] - [[w:Louis XVIII of France|King Louis XVIII of France]]
* [[w:Jack Hawkins|Jack Hawkins]] - [[w:Thomas Picton|Lieutenant-General Sir Thomas Picton]]
* [[w:Virginia McKenna|Virginia McKenna]] - [[w:Charlotte Lennox, Duchess of Richmond|Charlotte Lennox, Duchess of Richmond]]
* [[w:Dan O'Herlihy|Dan O'Herlihy]] - [[w:Michel Ney|Marshal Michel Ney]]
* [[w:Rupert Davies|Rupert Davies]] - [[w:Alexander Gordon, 4th Duke of Gordon|Colonel Alexander Gordon, 4th Duke of Gordon]]
* [[w:Philippe Forquet|Philippe Forquet]] - [[w:Charles de la Bédoyère|Brigadier-General Charles de la Bédoyère]]
* [[w:Gianni Garko|Gianni Garko]] - [[w:Antoine Drouot|Major-General Antoine Drouot]]
* [[w:Ivo Garrani|Ivo Garrani]] - [[w:Nicolas Jean-de-Dieu Soult|Marshal Nicolas Jean-de-Dieu Soult]]
* [[w:Ian Ogilvy|Ian Ogilvy]] - [[w:William Howe DeLancey|Colonel Sir William Howe DeLancey]]
* [[w:Michael Wilding (actor)|Michael Wilding]] - [[w:William Ponsonby (British Army officer)|Major-General The Honourable Sir William Ponsonby]]
* [[w:Sergo Zakariadze|Sergo Zakariadze]] - [[w:Gebhard Leberecht von Blücher|Field Marshal Gebhard von Blücher, Fürst von Wahlstatt]] 
* [[w:Terence Alexander|Terence Alexander]] - [[w:Henry Paget, 1st Marquess of Anglesey|Lieutenant-General Henry Paget, 2nd Earl of Uxbridge]]
* [[w:Andrea Checchi|Andrea Checchi]] - Soldier of the Old Guard
* [[w:Donal Donnelly|Donal Donnelly]] - Corporal O'Connor (as Donald Donnelly)
* [[w:Charles Millot|Charles Millot]] - [[w:Emmanuel de Grouchy, Marquis de Grouchy|Marshal Emmanuel de Grouchy, Marquis de Grouchy]]
* [[w:Yevgeny Samoylov|Yevgeny Samoylov]] - [[w:Pierre Cambronne|Brigadier-General Pierre Cambronne]] 
* [[w:Oleg Vidov|Oleg Vidov]] - Tomlinson
* Charles Borromel - Mulholland
* Peter Davies - [[w:James Hay, Lord Hay|Ensign James Hay, Lord Hay]]
* [[w:Veronica De Laurentiis|Veronica De Laurentiis]] - [[w:William Howe DeLancey|Magdalene DeLancey]]
* [[w:Vladimir Druzhnikov|Vladimir Druzhnikov]] - Gerard 
* [[w:Willoughby Gray|Willoughby Gray]] - Ramsey
* Roger Green - Duncan
* [[w:Orso Maria Guerrini|Orso Maria Guerrini]] - Officer
* [[w:Richard Heffer|Richard Heffer]] - Mercer
* [[w:Orazio Orlando|Orazio Orlando]] - Constant
* [[w:John Savident|John Savident]] - [[w:Karl Freiherr von Müffling|Major-General Karl Freiherr von Müffling]]
* [[w:Jeffry Wickham|Jeffry Wickham]] - Colborne
* Susan Wood - Lady Sarah Lennox
* [[w:Gennadi Yudin|Gennadi Yudin]] - Chactas 

== External Links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title|0066549|Waterloo}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|waterloo|Waterloo}}
* {{Amg movie|53582|Waterloo}}

[[Category:1970 films]]
[[Category:Italian films]]
[[Category:Soviet films]]
[[Category:War films]]
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  <page>
    <title>The Pretender (TV series)</title>
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        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
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'''''[[w:The Pretender (TV series)|The Pretender]]''''' is an American drama television series starring [[w:Michael T. Weiss|Michael T. Weiss]] and [[w:Andrea Parker|Andrea Parker]], produced by NBC Studios. Aired from September 19, 1996 until May 17, 2000.

{{Tv-stub}}
==Season 1==

===''Pilot'' [1.1]===
:'''Sydney''': The Centre wants him alive.
:'''Miss Parker''': Preferably.

===''Every Picture Tells a Story'' [1.2]===

:'''Jarod''': When are you due?
:'''Martha Poole''': I should've made L.C. months ago but Commander Powell keeps putting it off.
:'''Jarod''': Not your promotion. Your baby. I'd say from your nausea and your sore back, you're about nine weeks.
:'''Martha''': My husband doesn't even know. What are you, a part-time obstetrician?
:'''Jarod''': No, but I was a midwife once.
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kimberly King''': Didn't you ever eat cookies as a kid?
:'''Jarod''': They didn't have cookies where I grew up.
:'''Kimberl''': Where'd you grow up? Mars?
:'''Jarod''': Sort of.

===''Flyer'' [1.3]===

(After learning that he can now communicate with Jarod face to face over the computer.)
:'''Sydney''': I don't want Miss Parker to find out about this.
:'''Broots''': Uh, wait...wait a minute. Uh, you want to play political Parcheesi with the Ice Queen, you go...go right ahead, but I'm not dancing in the minefield. No way.
:'''Sydney''': (laughing) You are afraid of losing your job!
:'''Broots''': I'm afraid of losing my life.
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''''Bartender''': What's your poison?
:'''Jarod''': Excuse me?
:'''Bartender''': What's your drink?
:'''Jarod''': Uh, I was raised on optimized nutritional supplements: hearts of palm, wheatgrass, asparagus mixed with tomato.
:'''Bartender''': Virgin Mary, celery garnished.
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Jarod''': You can stretch it, bounce it, and copy newsprint with it, and it comes in its own plastic egg.
:'''Store Clerk''': Yeah. See, the egg is like a symbol of this stuff's birth, you know? Its being. It's not just putty. It's whatever you want it to be.
:'''Jarod''': Oh. Well, why would they call something this versatile silly?
:'''Store Clerk''': Would you buy something called Versatile Putty?

==External links==

{{wikipedia}}
*{{imdb title|id=tt1219024|title=The Pretender}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Pretender (TV series), The}}
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:NBC shows]]
[[Category:1990s American drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American drama TV shows]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Pacific Rim (film)</title>
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      <contributor>
        <ip>2001:D08:2183:4CF7:415:5C7D:8A24:87A</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Chuck Hansen */</comment>
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      <text bytes="24831" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:Pacific Rim (film)|Pacific Rim]]''''' is a 2013 American science fiction monster film starring Charlie Hunnam, [[Idris Elba]], Rinko Kikuchi, Charlie Day, Robert Kazinsky, Max Martini, and Ron Perlman. 

:''Directed by [[Guillermo del Toro]]. Written by [[w:Travis Beacham|Travis Beacham]] and [[Guillermo del Toro]].''

As a war between humankind and monstrous sea creatures wages on, a former pilot and a trainee are paired up to drive a seemingly obsolete special weapon in a desperate effort to save the world from the apocalypse.

== Raleigh Becket ==
*''[Narrating]'' When I was a kid, whenever I'd feel small or lonely, I'd look up at the stars. Wondered if there was life up there. Turns out I was looking in the wrong direction. When alien life entered our world, it was from deep beneath the Pacific Ocean. A fissure between two tectonic plates. A portal between dimensions. The Breach. I was fifteen when the first Kaiju made land in San Francisco. By the time tanks, jets and missiles took it down, six days and 35 miles later, three cities were destroyed. Tens of thousands of lives were lost. We mourned our dead, memorialized the event, and moved on. And then, only six months later, the second attack hit Manila. Then the third one hit Cabo. And then the fourth. And then we learned, that this was not gonna stop. This was just the beginning. We needed a new weapon. The world came together, pooling its resources and throwing aside old rivalries for the sake of the greater good. To fight monsters, we created monsters of our own. The Jaeger program was born. There were setbacks at first - the neural load to interface with the Jaeger proved too much for a single pilot. A two pilot system was implemented, left hemisphere, right hemisphere, pilot-controlled. We started winning, Jaegers stopping Kaijus everywhere. But the Jaegers were only as good as their pilots. So Jaeger pilots turned into rock stars, danger turned into propaganda, Kaijus into toys. We got really good at it... winning. Then... then it all changed.
* Years before, you wouldn't have picked my brother Yancy and I for heroes. No chance. We were never star athletes, never at the head of the class. But we could hold our own in a fight. And it turned out we had a unique skill - we were drift compatible. ''[we see the two brothers being suited up and then boarding onto their Jaeger]''
* There are things you can't fight - acts of God. You see a hurricane coming, you get out of the way. But when you're in a Jaeger, suddenly you can fight the hurricane. You can win.
* ''[To Chuck]'' Apologize to her. I said ''Apologize to her''.
* Empty the clip, EMPTY THE CLIP!!

== Stacker Pentecost ==
* Haven't you heard, Mr. Becket? The world is coming to an end. So where would you rather die? Here, or in a Jaeger?
* ''[To Hermann Gottlieb]'' YOU! SHUT UP! ''[To Newton Geiszler]'' You. Keep talking.
* That Kajiu is still alive!
* Do not let my calm demeanor fool you, '''RANGER!''' Now is not a good moment for your insubordination! Mako is too inexperienced to reign in her memories during combat.
* This conversation is over.
* One: don't you ever touch me again. Two: don't you ever touch me again.  Now, you have no idea who the hell I am or where I've come from, and I'm not about to tell you my whole life story. All I need to be to you and everybody on this dome is a ''fixed point''. The last man standing. I do not need your sympathy or your admiration. All I need is your compliance and your fighting skills. And if I can't get that, then you can go back to the wall that I found you crawling on. Do I make myself clear?
* Today. Today&amp;ndash; at the edge of our hope, at the end of our time, we have chosen not only to believe in ourselves, but in ''each other''. Today there is not a man nor woman in here that shall stand alone. Not today. Today we face the monsters that are at our door, and bring the fight to them. Today, we are ''cancelling the apocalypse!''
* Mako! You can finish this! I'll always be there for you! You can always find me in the drift!
* (At Hong Kong Shatterdome) Things have changed. We're not an army anymore, Mr. Becket. We're the resistance. Welcome to the Shatterdome.
* War clock. We reset it after every Kaiju attack. Keeps everyone focused. The frequency of attacks is accelerating.
*A week, if we're lucky. My experts believe there'll be a Kaiju attack&amp;ndash; even before that. This complex used to lodge&amp;ndash; 30 Jaegers in five bays just like this one. Now we only have four Jaegers left.
*Crimson Typhoon, China. One of the greatest. Assembled in Changzhou. Full titanium core, no alloys. Fifty diesel engines per muscle strand. Deadly, precise fighter. She's piloted by the Wei Tang brothers. Triplets. Local lads. They've successfully defended Hong Kong port seven times. They use the Thundercloud formation.
*Very effective. That tank, last of the T-90s. Chemo Alpha. First generation Mark 1. The heaviest and oldest Jaeger in the service. But make no mistake, Mr. Becket, it's a brutal war machine. And those two: Sasha and Aleksis Kaidanovsky.
*On their watch it stayed unbreached for six years. Six years.

== Mako Mori ==
* ''[In Japanese]'' I imagined him differently.
* '' [In Japanese]'' I apologize, Mr. Becket, I've heard a lot about you.
* It's not obedience, Mr. Becket. It's respect.
* ''[In Japanese]'' For the sake of my family!

== Chuck Hansen ==
* Come on, Gipsy! Kick his ass!
* Yeah, he remembers how to turn it on.
* Well, my father always said&amp;ndash; he said &quot;if you have a shot, you take it.&quot; So let's do this.

== Herc Hansen ==
* Suits and ties and flashing smiles. That's all they are, Stacker.
* Oi, show some respect. When his brother died, he got the Jaeger back to shore on his own. I've known one other pilot that's been able to do that.
* Now we have a choice here: we either sit here and wait, or we take these flare guns and do something really stupid!

== Dr. Newton Geiszler ==
* Fortune favours the brave, dude.
* 2,500 tons of awesome&amp;ndash; Or awful. You know, whatever you wanna call it.
* See, the first wave, that was just the hounds! Categories 1 to 4, it was nothing! Their sole purpose was to aim for the populated areas and take out the vermin: us! The second wave, that is the exterminators, and they ''will'' finish the job! And then, the new tenants will take possession!

== Dr. Hermann Gottlieb ==
* Please excuse him. He's a Kaiju groupie, he loves them.
* No Kaiju entrails over my side of the room, you know the rules! Every bloody day! It's incessant!
* Numbers do not lie. Politics and poetry, promises - these are lies! Numbers are as close as we get to the handwriting of God.
* I have asked you not to refer to me by my first name in front of others. I have more than 10 years&amp;ndash;

== Yancy Becket ==
* ''(to Raleigh)'' Hey kid, Don't get cocky.

== Hannibal Chau ==
* Now tell me what you want before I gut you like a pig and feed you to the skin louse.
* Look at them. They believe the Kaiju were sent from heaven. That the gods are expressing their displeasure with our behavior. The silly bastards.
* Where is my GODDAMN shoe?

==Dialogue==
:'''Tendo Choi''': Good morning, Becket boys!
:'''Raleigh Becket''': Tendo, what's happenin', my man?
:'''Yancy Becket''': How did that date with Alison go last night, Mr. Choi?
:'''Tendo Choi''': ''[we see Tendo in the control room as he talks to the brothers]'' Oh, she loved me. Her boyfriend, not so much.
:'''Raleigh Becket''': You're gonna get your ass kicked.
:'''Tendo Choi''': ''[Tendo chuckles]'' A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, brother.
:''[at that moment, their commanding officer, Pentecost comes up behind Tendo]''
:'''Stacker Pentecost''': Ready to drop, Mr. Choi?
:'''Tendo Choi''': Ready to drop, sir. Marshall  Pentecost on deck. Securing Conn Pod getting ready to drop.
:''[the Jaeger pod is placed in position ready for the drop]''
:'''Yancy Becket''': Ready for the big drop.
:'''Raleigh Becket''': Ready to go.

----
:'''American UN Representative''': The Kaiju are learning our defenses. They're adapting, evolving. We're losing Jaeger's faster than we can build them. Lima. Seattle. Vladivostok. Category 4 Kaiju's are now coming through the breach. I think that you can see, Marshall, this is no longer a sound strategy. The frequency of the attacks has increased. The Jaeger's are not the most viable line of defense anymore.
:'''Stacker Pentecost''': I am aware. Those are my ranger that die every time a Jaeger falls, which is why I'm asking you for one last chance...
:'''British UN Representative''': Excuse me, Marshall. Excuse me!
:'''Stacker Pentecost''': One final score with everything that we've got.
:'''British UN Representative''': Excuse me! The Jaeger program is dead, Marshall. On the other hand, the coastal wall program is a promising option.
:'''American UN Representative''': The world appreciates all that you and your men have done, but it's over. We will authorize you to take all remaining Jaegers to the last battle station in Hong Kong. We're prepared to fund you for the next eight months while the coastal wall is completed. After that, you will receive no further support.
:'''Canadian UN Representative''': You have our answer, Marshall.
:''[the TV monitors go black as the meeting ends]''
:'''Tendo Choi''': So that's it? It's over?
:'''Herc Hansen''': Suits and ties and flashing smiles. That's all they are, Stacker.
:'''Stacker Pentecost''': We don't need them.

----
:''[Raleigh leads Stacker inside.]''
:'''Raleigh Becket''': Step into my office, marshal.
:'''Stacker Pentecost''': Took me a while to find you. Anchorage. Sheldon Point. Nome&amp;ndash;
:'''Raleigh Becket''': Yeah, a man in my position travels with the wall, chasing shifts to make a living. ''[Sits down next to the structure]'' What do you want?
:'''Stacker Pentecost''': I've spent the last six months activating everything I can get my hands on. There's an old Jaeger, a Mark 3. You may know it. It needs a pilot.
:'''Raleigh Becket''': I'm guessing I wasn't your first choice.
:'''Stacker Pentecost''': You are my first choice. All the other Mark 3 pilots are dead.
:'''Raleigh Becket''': ''[Stands up and steps towards Stacker]'' Look&amp;ndash; I can't have anyone else in my head again. I'm done. I was still connected to my brother when he died. I can't go through that again, man, I'm sorry. ''[Starts to walk away]''
:'''Stacker Pentecost''': Haven't you heard, Mr. Becket? ''[Raleigh stops walking and turns around]'' The world is coming to an end. So where would you rather die? Here, or in a Jaeger?
:''[Raleigh stares at Stacker, knowing he has no choice but to go with him to the Shatterdome.]''

----
:''[Raleigh, Mako, Stacker, Newt, and Hermann are taking the elevator to the bottom.]''
:'''Dr. Newton Geiszler''': Stay back! Kaiju specimens are extremely rare, so look but don't touch, please.
:'''Stacker Pentecost''': Mr. Becket, this is our research team. Dr. Gottlieb and Dr. Geiszler.
:'''Dr. Newton Geiszler''': Oh, no, call me Newt. Only my mother calls doctor. Hermann, these are human beings. Why don't you say hello?
:'''Dr. Hermann Gottlieb''': I have asked you not to refer to me by my first name around others. I am a doctor with over 10 years decorated experience&amp;ndash;
:'''Dr. Newton Geiszler''': ''[Imitating Hermann]'' 10 years of experience! And I'm very sorry.
:'''Dr. Hermann Gottlieb''': Oh, please.
:''[Newt rolls up his sleeves.]''
:'''Raleigh Becket''': ''[Notices Newt's tattoos on his arms]'' What is that, Yamarashi?
:'''Dr. Newton Geiszler''': ''[Normal voice]'' Oh, this little Kaiju? Yeah, you got a good eye.
:'''Raleigh Becket''': My brother and I took him down in 2017.
:'''Dr. Newton Geiszler''': You know he was one of the biggest Category 3's ever? He was 2,500 tons of awesome. ''[Raleigh gives him a cold look]'' Or awful. You know, whatever you wanna call it.
:'''Dr. Hermann Gottlieb''': Please excuse him. He's a Kaiju groupie, he loves them.
:'''Dr. Newton Geiszler''': Shut up, Hermann. I don't love them, okay? I study them. And unlike most people, I wanna see one live and up close one day.
:''[The elevator stops at the bottom. Mako and Stacker walk out of it.]''
:'''Raleigh Becket''': ''[Puts his hand on Newt's shoulder]'' Trust me, you don't want to. ''[Pats Newt on his shoulder and leaves the elevator]''

----
:''[Gottlieb rushes in while the Gipsy Danger is going through its inaugural trial run]''
:'''Dr. Hermann Gottlieb''': Marshal! Marshal! I need to talk to you.
:'''Stacker Pentecost''': ''[Dismissively]'' Not now, Mr. Gottlieb, I'm sure you can appreciate how important this moment is to me&amp;ndash;
:'''Dr. Hermann Gottlieb''': Newton created a neural bridge from garbage and drifted with a Kaiju!

----
:''[Newt enters Hannibal Chau's secret lab, where workers are busy dissecting and examining Kaiju body parts. He is astonished by the amount of Kaiju parts in perfect condition.]''
:'''Dr. Newton Geiszler''': Is that a cuticle? In mint condition? Is that a Kaiju skin parasite? I've never seen one alive before! They&amp;ndash; They usually die as soon as the Kaiju falls! I thought you couldn't keep them alive!
:'''Hannibal Chau''': You can, if you soak them in ammonia.
:''[Newt turns around and sees Hannibal approach him.]''
:'''Hannibal Chau''': What do you want?
:'''Dr. Newton Geiszler''': I'm looking for Hannibal Chau. ''[Holds up the symbol on the card]'' I was told he was here.
:'''Hannibal Chau''': ''[Steps towards Newt]'' Who wants to know?
:'''Dr. Newton Geiszler''': I really can't say.
:''[Hannibal whips out his golden balisong and sticks the tip up Newt's right nostril.]''
:'''Dr. Newton Geiszler''': ''[Yells in pain]'' Stacker Pentecost sent me!
:''[Hannibal pulls his balisong off Newt's nostril. Newt holds his nose while groaning in pain.]''
:'''Dr. Newton Geiszler''': ''[Wipes his nose]'' Oh, that's great. That's real great. So I take it you're&amp;ndash; you're Hannibal Chau, right?
:'''Hannibal Chau''': You like the name? I took it from, uh, my favorite historical figure and my second-favorite Szechuan restaurant in Brooklyn. Now tell me what you want before I gut you like a pig and feed you to the skin louse.

----
:''[Raleigh and Mako are waiting outside Stacker's office.]''
:'''Chuck Hansen''': ''[From inside the office]'' She can't control her Drift, and he went out of phase first!
:'''Stacker Pentecost''': ''[From inside the office]'' We all know what happened.
:'''Chuck Hansen''': ''[From inside the office]'' We can't afford mistakes. The Kaiju keep evolving, they keep kicking our asses! He's a has-been, she's a rookie. I don't want them protecting my bomb run, sir. ''[Opens the door and walks out]''
:'''Stacker Pentecost''': ''[From inside the office]'' You need to watch your tone, Mr. Hansen.
:'''Herc Hansen''': ''[To his son]'' Hey. ''[Chuck turns to him]'' Stay there. Give me a moment. ''[Closes the door]''
:'''Chuck Hansen''': ''[To Raleigh and Mako]'' You two are a goddamn disgrace! You're gonna get us all killed, and here's the thing, Raleigh. I want to come back from this mission, 'cause I quite like my life. So why don't you&amp;ndash; ''[Flicks Raleigh in the chest]'' &amp;ndash;just do us all a favor and disappear? It's the only thing you're good at.
:'''Mako Mori''': ''[Angrily]'' Stop! Now! ''[Raleigh raises his hand to stop her from arguing further with Chuck]''
:'''Chuck Hansen''': Yeah, that's right. You just hold back your little girlfriend. One of your bitches needs a leash.
:''[Enraged, Raleigh punches Chuck twice. Chuck punches him back. The two engage in a fistfight, until Raleigh punches Chuck, causing him to spit out blood.]''
:'''Raleigh Becket''': Apologize to her.
:'''Chuck Hansen''': ''[Wipes his mouth]'' Screw you.
:''[Raleigh and Chuck keep fighting, until Raleigh throws Chuck against the pipes on the wall, causing Chuck to scream in pain and glare at Raleigh.]''
:'''Raleigh Becket''': I said, apologize to her.
:''[Chuck attacks Raleigh again, but Raleigh overpowers him and twists his arm.]''
:'''Herc Hansen''': ''[Comes out]'' Hey, hey! Enough! What's going on? On your feet, both of you!
:''[Raleigh and Chuck stand up as Stacker comes out.]''
:'''Stacker Pentecost''': ''[To Raleigh and Mako]'' Becket, Mori, into my office.
:'''Chuck Hansen''': ''[Starts to storm towards Raleigh]'' No, we aren't finished!
:'''Herc Hansen''': ''[Grabs his son]'' Hey! This is over! You're a ranger for Christ's sake! Why don't you start acting like one?
:''[Chuck shoves his father off and turns and walks off. Herc turns to look at Stacker.]''

----
:''[Raleigh, Mako, and Stacker are in Stacker's office.]''
:'''Raleigh Becket''': I went out of phase first. It was my mistake.
:'''Stacker Pentecost''': No. It was my mistake. ''[Turns around]'' I should've never let you two in the same machine.
:'''Raleigh Becket''': So, what? You're grounding us?
:'''Stacker Pentecost''': Not you.
:''[Stacker looks to his daughter, causing her to stand up.]''
:'''Mako Mori''': ''[Tearing up]'' Permission to be dismissed, sir.
:'''Stacker Pentecost''': Permission granted, Miss Mori.
:''[Mako bows to her father, then leaves.]''
:'''Raleigh Becket''': ''[Seeing Mako leaving]'' Mako.
:''[Mako glances at Raleigh as she leaves.]''
:'''Raleigh Becket''': ''[To Stacker]'' Sir, what are you doing? She is the strongest candidate by far. ''[Angrily stands up]'' What other options do we have? Huh? Tell me!
:'''Stacker Pentecost''': Do not let my calm demeanor fool you, '''RANGER!''' Now is not a good moment for your insubordination! Mako is too inexperienced to reign in her memories during combat. ''[Starts to leave]''
:'''Raleigh Becket''': That's not why you grounded her. ''[Stacker turns around]'' I was in her memories. I saw everything.
:'''Stacker Pentecost''': ''[Steps towards Raleigh]'' I don't care what you think you saw.
:''[Flashback shows Mako being rescued as a child by Stacker. Scene returns to present day.]''
:'''Raleigh Becket''': I know what she means to you. I saw it, I&amp;ndash;
:''[Stacker leaves the office.]''
:'''Raleigh Becket''': ''[Follows Stacker out of the office]'' Hey! Hey!
:'''Stacker Pentecost''': This conversation is over.
:'''Raleigh Becket''': Marshal. Marshal! Can we just talk about this for one second? ''[Grabs Stacker's arm and turns him around]'' You rescued her. ''[Stacker presses a button]'' You raised her. But you're not protecting her now. You are holding her back.
:'''Stacker Pentecost''': One: Don't you ever touch me again. Two: Don't you ever touch me again. Now, you have no idea who the hell I am or where I've come from, and I'm not about to tell you my whole life story. All I need to be to you and everybody on this dome is a fixed point. The last man standing. I do not need your sympathy or your admiration. All I need is your compliance, and your fighting skills. And if I can't get that, then you can go back to the wall that I found you crawling on. Do I make myself clear?
:''[Raleigh nods in resignation. Stacker turns his head toward him and points to his own ear.]''
:'''Raleigh Becket''': Yes, sir.
:'''Stacker Pentecost''': ''[Takes his finger off his own ear]'' Good.
:''[Stacker enters the elevator. He and Raleigh look at each other as the elevator doors close.]''

----
:'''Hermann Gottlieb''': They're adapting. This isn't a defense mechanism, it's a weapon!
:'''Stacker Pentecost''': Get me ''Striker''.
:'''Tendo Choi''': Nothing, sir. The Mark 5's digital's fried. It'll take me two hours to reroute the auxliary. All the Jaegers, they're digital!
:'''Raleigh Becket''': ''[Approaches Stacker along with Mako]'' Not all of them, marshal. ''[Stacker turns to him and Mako]'' ''Gipsy''&lt;nowiki&gt;'&lt;/nowiki&gt;s analog. Nuclear.
:''[Stacker stares at his daughter and Raleigh, knowing he has no choice but to send them out in ''Gipsy Danger'' to face Leatherback and Otachi.]''

----
:''[Stacker is finishing washing his face when Raleigh enters.]''
:'''Raleigh Becket''': How sick are you? And why didn't you tell me?
:'''Stacker Pentecost''': Uh&amp;ndash; what's to tell? ''[Takes a cloth and uses it to wipe his hands]'' You know, them Mark 1s, we scraped them bad boys together in 14 months. Last thing we were thinking about was radiation shielding. ''[Uses the cloth to wipe his face, then throws it away]'' I ran nearly a dozen missions. I stayed under the medical radar for a while, but&amp;ndash; ''[Takes a folded shirt]'' &amp;ndash;the last time I jockeyed was in Tokyo. I finished the fight solo, but for three hours, I burned. They warned me if I ever stepped foot into a Jaeger again, the toll would be too much. You and I are the only two that ever ran solo combat. That's why I brought you here.
:''[Raleigh and Stacker hear a computer beeping. Stacker gets a call from Tendo.]''
:'''Stacker Pentecost''': What is it?
:'''Tendo Choi''': Sir, it's happening. I just got two signatures with unprecedented dilation, 40-meter strikes.
:'''Stacker Pentecost''': What category?
:'''Tendo Choi''': Checking the ratios, Category 4.
:'''Stacker Pentecost''': Where they headed?
:'''Tendo Choi''': That's the thing, they're not heading anywhere. They're hovering just above the Breach. It's&amp;ndash; It's like they're protecting it or something.
:'''Stacker Pentecost''': Alright, ''Gipsy'', ''Striker'' on deck.
:'''Tendo Choi''': Sir, Herc cannot ride. His arm&amp;ndash;
:'''Stacker Pentecost''': You heard me. ''[Heads out]''

----
:'''Raleigh Becket''': Wait. I think we took this guy out. But just to be safe, we better check for a pulse.
:''[to Mako after shooting the monster several times]''
:'''Raleigh Becket''': No pulse.

----
:''[Mako swims towards and climbs Raleigh's pod. She opens the hatch to find Raleigh unconscious. Mako removes Raleigh's helmet and checks his pulse.]''
:'''Mako Mori''': I can't find his pulse. I don't think he's breathing.
:'''Herc Hansen''': Can you read his pulse?
:'''Mako Mori''': Raleigh?
:'''Herc Hansen''': Does he have a pulse?
:'''Mako Mori''': Raleigh?
:'''Tendo Choi''': Mako, listen to me. I think it could be the sensors not working. We can't be sure.
:''[Mako pulls Raleigh up. She hugs him while crying.]''
:'''Mako Mori''': ''[Crying]'' No. No. Don't go. Please.
:'''Tendo Choi''': Mako.
:'''Mako Mori''': Don't go.
:'''Tendo Choi''': Mako.
:'''Mako Mori''': No. Don't go, please.
:''[Mako hears Raleigh's voice.]''
:'''Raleigh Becket''': You're squeezing me too tight. ''[Mako lets go of him]'' I couldn't breathe.
:''[Mako chuckles. Everyone in the command centre cheers.]''
:'''Herc Hansen''': This is Marshal Hercules Hansen. The Breach is sealed. Stop the clock!
:''[Everyone cheers as the war clock is set back to zero.]''
:'''Tendo Choi''': Mako, Raleigh, we have your position. The choppers are on their way. Just&amp;ndash; just hang on. Are you okay? Do you copy?
:''[Raleigh and Mako touch their heads intimately.]''
:'''Tendo Choi''': Uh, guys?
:''[Raleigh and Mako embrace as choppers fly above them.]''

----
:''[Mid-credits scene: Hannibal cuts his way out of the baby Kaiju's stomach.]''
:'''Hannibal Chau''': Where is my goddamn shoe?

== Cast ==
* [[w:Charlie Hunnam|Charlie Hunnam]] as Raleigh Becket, a Jaeger pilot in the PPDC who quit after his brother's death.
* [[Idris Elba]] as Marshal Stacker Pentecost, Mako's adoptive father, Raleigh's commanding officer, and the marshal of the PPDC who is suffering from radiation poisoning as a result of piloting the Jaeger ''Coyote Tango''.
* [[w:Rinko Kikuchi|Rinko Kikuchi]] as Mako Mori, Stacker's adoptive daughter and Raleigh's co-pilot who lost her family in a Kaiju attack and who was adopted by Stacker.
* [[w:Charlie Day|Charlie Day]] as Dr. Newton &quot;Newt&quot; Geiszler, a scientist who is studying the Kaiju alongside Hermann.
* [[w:Burn Gorman|Burn Gorman]] as Dr. Hermann Gottlieb, a scientist who is studying the Kaiju alongside Newt.
* [[w:Clifton Collins Jr.|Clifton Collins Jr.]] as Tendo Choi, a technician in the PPDC.
* [[w:Robert Kazinsky|Robert Kazinsky]] as Chuck Hansen, Herc's son and co-pilot who piloted ''Striker Eureka'' alongside Herc.
* [[w:Max Martini|Max Martini]] as Hercules &quot;Herc&quot; Hansen, Chuck's father and co-pilot who piloted ''Striker Eureka'' alongside Chuck.
* [[w:Ron Perlman|Ron Perlman]] as Hannibal Chau, a black market dealer who deals Kaiju organs.
* [[w:Diego Klattenhoff|Diego Klattenhoff]] as Yancy Becket, Raleigh's older brother and co-pilot who died during a battle with a Kaiju.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=1663662}}
[[Category:2013 films]]
[[Category:Action films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Apocalyptic films]]
[[Category:Extraterrestrial life films]]
[[Category:Monster films]]
[[Category:Science fiction films]]
[[Category:Technology films]]
[[Category:Robot films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Guillermo del Toro]]</text>
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    <title>Batman: Arkham Origins</title>
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      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1700:C361:A40:511B:C420:E00E:10A4</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* The Joker */</comment>
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'''''[[w:Batman: Arkham Origins|Batman: Arkham Origins]]''''' is a game developed by WB Montreal Studios in 2013. Though it's the third installment in the Batman Arkham series, it is, story-chronologically, a prequel to ''[[Batman: Arkham Asylum]]'' (2009) and ''[[Batman: Arkham City]]'' (2011).

==Bruce Wayne/Batman==
*''[While beating Black Mask up]'' By my count, there are still nine more ribs I can break.
*''[While confronting Killer Croc]'' You want teeth?! I want answers.
*''[After beating [[w:Black Mask|Black Mask]] up]'' I can control your pacemaker remotely. Wanna see what two hundred and fifty beats per minute feels like?
*''[Scanning the bank manager's dead body in detective mode]'' The laughter was a side effect of a poison. She wasn't laughing - she was dying. If I had known she was poisoned, I might have been able to save her.
*The game is over, Joker! Let Captain Gordon go.
*''[Fighting the Joker]'' Give up! You've lost!

==Roman Sionis/Black Mask==
*''[While looking at [[w:Copperhead|Copperhead]] beating [[w:Batman|Batman]]]'' Kill him and I'll pay whatever you want. Make him suffer and I'll double it.
*''[Running while [[w:Batman|Batman]] fights [[w:Copperhead|Copperhead]]]'' Couple a'freaks. You two deserve each other.

==The Joker== 
*''[repeatedly bashes Roman with his gun; as Black Mask]'' CAN'T…YOU JUST…PLAY ALONG!?!
*Do you hear that? Sounds like eight tiny reindeer.
*I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Must be a bad connection. I thought I heard you say that after I SHOT HIM, and BLEW UP a building on him, THE BAT- SOMEHOW SURVIVED?!!?
*I'm the guy with the money… And the gun!
*So, when I hire you to kill the Batman, you SHUT THE HELL UP AND KILL THE BATMAN!
*Mmmm! This fruitcake is fantastic! Anyone want a piece?
*Do they even have manners where he comes from? You see, it's a tradition in my house-to open one present each on Christmas Eve. Hmm…How about…this one? ''[blows up a building, then laughs evilly and sings a bit of &quot;The 12 Days of Christmas&quot;]'' And a partridge in a pear treeee!
*NOW THIS IS WHAT I CALL A PARTY! ''[fires his machine gun at a helicopter]''
*''[after Batman saved him from falling to his death as he didn't want to be saved]'' Now...Why? Why? Why would you ''do'' that? Newsflash: '''''I'm''''' the one who's trying to ''kill'' you! ''[shoots and kills two of his minions; points his pistol at Batman]'' Those were two very, VERY bad men. The things they've done… ''[clicks tongue]'' You really don't want to know. They deserved death-just like me.
*You of all people should know, there's nothing so cruel as memory…. the pointy biting little thunderbolts, unwanted party crashers, SCREAMERS through your synapses.. inescapable, unrelenting…. not at all friendly. You can't even escape into MADNESS!
*I feel adrift- floating -like someone's pulled the stopper on my reality and I'm SUCKED down the drain into something new. It's all very exciting really. You wouldn't know what that feels like, I'm sure.
*It's like meeting someone I can actually relate to-…which believe me, dear, I've NEVER felt before. You understand. You're someone who's not afraid to let go-and fall. Free falling. And I didn't pack a chute.
*What our friend Bane holds in his hand is-a heart monitor. Once he clamps it on, every beat of his vacant little heart will charge the battery-…on this electric chair. And when it's fully charged-''[mimicks being electrocuted]''
*Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim. Have a seat, Jimbo. We'll fry together - like two little potato latkes.
*Well, I'd love to stay and celebrate your victory, but I've got stockings to stuff, mistletoe to hang, and about 15 skyscrapers to blow up before sunrise. Ciao! ''[runs away, laughing]''
*''[fighting Batman]'' You just can't get through your thick skull! WE BOTH EXIST BECAUSE OF ''THEM!''
*Come on, baby! Beat me 'til your knuckles bleed… And why quit there? You know there's only one way to stop me.

==Lonnie Machin/Anarky==
*''[Introduction]'' Oppressed citizens of Gotham, your cries for help have been heard! I am Anarky - voice of the people - here to save you from the plague of corruption that now infests this once proud city!  Those hired and elected to keep us free and safe won't lift a finger.  ''And why would they?''  They've been bought and paid for, encouraged to turn a blind eye!  If they won't act, I will!  At dawn's first light, the sources of Gotham's ruin '''WILL. BE. DESTROYED!'''  Now back to your regularly scheduled programming of propaganda and consumerist garbage.
*''[Contacting Batman]''  Hello, Batman.  I was hoping to get a minute of your time.  See, I've got a story to tell you.  About crime and violence.  Greed and vengeance.  But it's also a story of redemption.  Of second chances.  ''Of change.''  I've planted three bombs where Gotham's corruption is at it's strongest.  But unlike those I fight to overthrow, I believe in choice.  So, I offer you one:  Let them detonate or stop them.  Your actions will determine what I do with you.
*''[Monologue after being defeated.]'' You ever wonder how things got to be so bad here? I do. All the time.

:You see- I don't think men like Roman Sionis or Oswald Cobblepot are responsible. They're just a reflection of our apathy. Our greed. Our fear. We look the other way when things turn sour. Bury ourselves in our jobs. Consume propaganda masquerading as entertainment. The message is always the same: ''Don't think. Don't question.'' And what becomes of a society that's given up? ''It rots.'' Fills up with liars, cheaters, and thugs. Uptown and downtown. The suit in the penthouse is no better than the guy selling drugs on the corner. They're both doing whatever it takes to get ahead - never mind the cost.

:''Fidelity.'' Once upon a time that's what defined society. People coming together in pursuit of common cause. To care for each other. To protect and provide. We took shelter from the darkness - and the things that roamed it. Community meant progress. But now... It's all ''backwards.'' We worship at the altar of competition. We build fortresses around ourselves. We fight. We betray. We have become the things we feared.

:You keep cleaning up after everyone Batman, and no one's going to learn to take care of themselves. The ones that don't hate you - they'll start to rely on you. ''Depend on you.'' And if something happens to you? If you get old? Or bored? ''Or die?'' Then what? Or do you not consider the world that revolves around you?

:You're a hypocrite. Running around 'dispensing justice'. Telling people what they can and can't do. You're ensuring Gotham's freedom - provided it conforms to your twisted view. Whatever pleases the Bat. That it? You're not a hero. ''You're a despot.'' You don't enforce justice. You suppress it. There's a way to make this work. To show you that we share the same goals. Maybe I took things too far with the bombs and the threats. I can learn from that. I mean, you could be a mentor to me. And maybe, well, maybe *I* can teach you something too. Because I think you're so busy playing hero you've forgotten what it's like for the rest of us. We're not all as strong as you. We don't have the fancy gadgets. The strength. The skill. But maybe ''that's'' the problem. You've gotten so used to the power, you think you're better than everyone. Above reproach. Is that it, then? We're not as good as you?

:You know what - I take it back. I don't want to work with you. You don't have anything to offer. I think I've figured it out. You didn't take me down because I broke the law. No. No, you took me down because you don't want the competition? That's what this is is really about isn't it. Let me ask you something - you ever wonder if '''YOU'RE''' the reason this city's so messed up? Because I have. A ''lot'' of us have... And I'm starting to think we're right.

==Dialogue==
:''[After being poisoned]''
: '''Batman''': What did you do to me?
: '''Copperhead''': I killed you. And in a few minutes, your body will realize it. Heh, that's it, use your strength. With every effort you hasten your end.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[As Batman prepares to leave the Batcave, Alfred, out of nowhere, intercepts him.]''
: '''Alfred''':  Master Bruce. Stop. Master Bruce. BRUCE!
: '''Bruce Wayne''':  ''What are you-''
: '''Alfred''': I '''will''' not in good conscience allow you to go!  You are outmatched by these assassins and-
: '''Bruce Wayne''':  I'm ''what?''
: '''Alfred''':  ''You're not some hardened vigilante! You're a young man with a trust fund and too much anger!'' You are in over your head and I don't want this to be your end.
: '''Bruce Wayne''': ''(beat)''  Alfred, who do you see when you look at me? The boy whose shoes you used to tie every morning?  The teenager you drove to his first date?  While you are here every night, I am out there... the ''only thing'' between the innocent and the predatory...
: '''Alfred''':  You may be, but...
: '''Bruce Wayne''':  No, not &quot;may be&quot;. ''I am!'' When the mugger or the thief stop to think twice, that is fear. That is what I am. That is why they hired assassins - because '''I''' am the reason the criminals breathe easier when the sun rises. So no, Alfred, I am NOT in over my head. Tonight will not be my end.  ''But it will be theirs!''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Batman detonates the explosive gel and confronts Black Mask and his minions in the vault; Black Mask's minions points their guns at him]''
:'''Black Mask''': Think you can just waltz into my bank, huh?
:'''Batman''': Roman, I'm here for the Joker.
:'''Black Mask''': The Joker? Never heard of him. ''[to the Bank Manager]'' How 'bout you, doll? ''[puts his gun in her face]'' Know the Joker?
:'''Bank Manager''': The who? ''[begins to laugh maniacally]''
:''[one of the henchmen brings a man with a bag over his head]''
:'''Black Mask''': And you, sir? Name Joker ring a bell?
:''[He pulls the bag off to reveal the real Roman Sionis with duct tape on his mouth. Black Mask then rips the tape off]''
:'''Roman Sionis''': You sunova bitch! You think you can steal from me and get away with it? You're a dead man! Dead!
:'''Black Mask''': ''[hits Sionis repeatedly]'' CAN'T...YOU JUST...PLAY ALONG!?! ''[continues to beat him]''
:'''Bank Manager''': ''[continues laughing maniacally]'' You're insane!
:''[The minions then drag Sionis and throw him into a truck; Black Mask then takes off his mask to reveal himself as The Joker]''
:'''Batman''': It's been you this whole time-you hired the assassins. You've been running Sionis' operation.
:'''Joker''': Well, technically, it's *my* operation now. Isn't that right boys?
:''[The minions put on clown masks]''
:'''Batman''': You've got me. Now let her go.
:'''Joker''': Oh, life would be so simple if you were all I ever wanted. No-you're just a ''teeny'' little distraction-compared to what I've got up my sleeve. ''[laughs as he shoots his gun at Batman]'' Here! Have a laugh on me. ''[shoves the laughing Bank Manager at him]'' You here that? Sounds like eight tiny reindeer. ''[drives off with his minions as he activates the detonator which causes bombs to blow up]''
:''[Batman grabs the manager and jumps out of the vault as the bomb explodes]''
:'''Batman''': ''[coming to his senses and checks the Bank Manager's pulse]'' She's dead.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gotham City Royal Hotel; Batman watches a security camera in a hotel room with villains having a meeting by The Joker]''
:'''Joker''': ''[as Black Mask]'' Friends, assassins. Welcome to our first quarterly performance review. As you can see here: Batman deaths are coming in far below projections. We are ''really'' going to have to turn this around. ''[takes off and throws the mask in Electrocutioner's hands while playing a game on his phone; normal voice]'' And by we, I mean ''YOU.'' Got that, Mr… Cutioner?
:'''Electrocutioner''': Just who the hell - are you?
:'''Joker''': I'm the guy with the money… ''[pulls out his pistol]'' And the gun! ''[shoots his pistol several times at Electrocutioner, but deliberately doesn't aim at him]'' So when I hire you to kill the Batman, you SHUT THE HELL UP AND ''KILL'' THE BATMAN! So, do you have-anything-else to contribute? I didn't think so. ''[kicks Electrocutioner through the window, screaming, as he falls to his death; slices off and eats a piece of fruitcake]'' Mmmm! This fruitcake is fantastic! ''[stabs a knife in the table]'' Anyone want a piece? Alright. Meeting's adjourned. Get out there and kill the Bat. ''[the villains all leave the hotel room except Bane, who is in no hurry]'' Move it along, big boy!
:'''Bane''': No, he's coming for you now. ''[gets up and walks towards in front of Joker]'' And when he gets here, I'm going to kill him. So YOU wait. ''[pushes Joker into a chair]''
: '''Joker''': ''[laughing]'' Well, this should be interesting! Whee!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Batman walks in the prison chapel and begins to confront the Joker]''
:'''Joker''': Oh bats… ''[cackling and laughing maniacally]'' What a night! ''[Batman grabs and lifts him up]'' Fresh off a kill and back for more, eh?
:'''Batman''': Bane's still alive.
:'''Joker''': Now that's ''not'' FUNNY. ''[punches Batman in the face and points his gun at him]'' All this - all this rage. All directed at me, and for what? You know if you'd actually let me finish a sentence, You might learn something. You might learn that we're not so different. You might even learn something about yourself.
:'''Batman''': You need to learn to shut up.
:'''Joker''': You know it's sad, really-makes me feel like you don't care to see the good side of me. Well, I guess learning is a lot to ask from you, meat-for-brains.

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:DC Comics]]
[[Category:2013 video games]]
[[Category:Batman: Arkham (series)]]</text>
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    <title>Almost Human (TV series)</title>
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      <text bytes="3535" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:Almost Human (TV series)|Almost Human]]''''' an American science fiction/crime drama that aired from November 17, 2013, through March 3, 2014, on [[w:Fox Broadcasting Company|Fox]]. The series was created by [[w:J. H. Wyman|J. H. Wyman]] for Frequency Films, [[w:Bad Robot Productions|Bad Robot Productions]] and [[w:Warner Bros. Television|Warner Bros. Television]]. Wyman, [[w:Bryan Burk|Bryan Burk]] and [[w:J. J. Abrams|J. J. Abrams]] are executive producers. After one season, Fox canceled the series on April 29, 2014.

== Season 1 ==

=== Skin [1.02] ===
''[Kennex and Dorian investigate a murder, when a group of kids come over]''
:'''Kid 1''': You're a bot?
:'''Dorian''': Yes I am.
:'''Kid 2''': What can you do?
:''[Dorian shows them his electronical communication system]''
:'''Kid 2''': Are you a robot too?
:'''Kennex''': No, I'm a human.
:'''Kid 2''': Oh. What can you do?
:''[Kennex takes out a knife, stabs his fake leg, and lets the knife hang there. The kids run away screaming.]''
:'''Kennex''': No, no, wait. It doesn't even hurt! I've got a synthetic leg.
:'''Dorian''': ...I haven't even been a child, and I know that would scare one. What's the matter with you?

=== Are You Receiving? [1.03] ===

=== The Bends [1.04] ===

=== Blood Brothers [1.05] ===
:'''John''': Wait, you are a robot. What do you do with it?
:'''Dorian:''' Probably the same you do with yours. Nothing.
:'''John:''' I do plenty with mine.

=== Arrhythmia [1.06] ===

:'''Dorian''': When I was decommissioned, the second before it happened I just kept thinking &quot;I really hope there's someone there to wake me up again.&quot; I just want to be a cop, man. I just want to be here. And then you woke me up. It was you. You were that person for me, John.
:'''John''': Well, we all make mistakes.
:'''Dorian''': I want to be that person for him.

== Quotes about ''Almost Human'' ==

* DRNs were created to be cops, but they were also created to have souls. They were designed to feel. That makes them unpredictable and is part of what makes this show interesting. &lt;br /&gt; These machines are almost human. Almost, but not quite. &lt;br /&gt; If we look at the first six episodes as a whole, what we see is how John views Dorian less and less like a machine with each passing day. Dorian views himself less and less like a machine as well. The lines between those who can create and those who are created are getting blurred. &lt;br /&gt; The other line getting blurred on ''Almost Human'' is the one between the fantasy and reality of the show. &lt;br /&gt; One of the things I love about science-fiction is when the fiction is just real enough for the science to seem possible.
** Miranda Wicker, in [http://www.tvfanatic.com/2013/12/almost-human-review-where-the-heart-is/ &quot;Almost Human Review: Where the Heart Is&quot;, ''TV Fanatic'' (16 December 2013)]

==Cast and characters==
* [[w:Karl Urban|Karl Urban]] - Detective John Kennex
* [[w:Michael Ealy|Michael Ealy]] - DRN-0167
* [[w:Minka Kelly|Minka Kelly]] - Detective Valerie Stah
* [[w:Mackenzie Crook|Mackenzie Crook]] - Technician Rudy Lom
* [[w:Michael Irby|Michael Irby]] - Detective Richard Paul
* [[w:Lili Taylor|Lili Taylor]] - Captain Sandra Maldonado

== External links ==
{{wikipedia|Almost Human (TV series)}}
* {{IMDb title|2654580|Almost Human}}

[[Category:2010s American crime drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American police procedural TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American science fiction TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:FOX shows]]
[[Category:Robots in television]]</text>
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    <title>Mickey Mouse Club</title>
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      <text bytes="1618" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:The Mickey Mouse Club|The Mickey Mouse Club]]''''' is an children's variety television show produced by [[w:The Walt Disney Company|Walt Disney Productions]], airing in 1955-1959, 1977 and 1989-1995.

==Season 6, Episode 56: C-133: The Mousketeers at Walt Disney World (Telefilm) (recorded in August 1977 and released in November 20, 1977)==
:Lisa: (to Allison (her friend), Angel and Curtis) A little step back.
(Mousketeers get pushed and thrown in the water or ocean by each other and water fight)
:Miss Osborne: (to Mr. Brown): No, really?
(The kid mouseketeers in the hotel lobby fight each other and stop with pictures taken by Miss Osborne)
(Scott, Angel (Angelo), Curtis and Nita stop Lisa and Mindy's fighting)
:Mr. Brown (to kids to stop): What's going on?
:Todd: (to Pop) SHUT UP, WHO ARE YOU CALLING A COP?!
:Pop: I'll call you a cop, Lisa!
:Lisa: Fine.
:Miss Osborne: (to Mr. Brown) Yes.
----
(tents fall down and Miss Osborne, and kids scream scared)
(The kid mousketeers yell Nita for tying up the van with a rope ruining their camping trip).
:Julie?: (to Nita) YOU'RE STUPID!
:Mr. Brown: (to kids to stop) Wait, wait wait.
(The mousketeers yell, abuse and shake Nita for ruining their camping trip.)
:Shawnte: (to Nita) You ruined our camping trip.
:Nita: (crying).

==Cast==
===1977 Telefilm===
====Guests====
*Mr. Brown (played by Ronnie Schell)
*Miss Osborne (played by Jo Anne Worley)

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Mickey Mouse Club, The}}
[[Category:American sketch comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:ABC shows]]
[[Category:Disney Channel shows]]
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    <title>Liv and Maddie</title>
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'''''[[w:Liv and Maddie|Liv and Maddie]]''''' is an American comedy television series created by John Beck and Ron Hart and produced by [[w:It's a Laugh Productions|It's a Laugh Productions]] for [[w:Disney Channel|Disney Channel]].

== Season 1 ==
=== ''Twin-A-Rooney'' [1.1] ===
:'''Maddie''': Mom, snack update. Where's Liv's favorite dip?
:'''Joey''': You mean this dip? ''[Joey and Parker are eating the dip]''
:'''Maddie''': You two are eating the dip?! This is Wisconsin, you can't welcome people home without dip! You two are officially ''banned'' from the welcome home zone!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Joey''': Let's put this TV in our room.
:'''Parker''': But Mom and Dad said that we can't have a TV in our room.
:'''Joey''': Mom and Dad who?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Maddie''': I am so glad you're home there is something I have been dying to talk to you about.
:'''Liv''': [gasps] This is about a boy!
:'''Maddie''': How do you know that?
:'''Liv''': When you get nervous you still play with that charm bracelet that I gave you. Anyway, back to the boy. Is he cute?
:'''Maddie''': Are you nosy and sparkly?
:'''Liv''': Ah! Then he is cute!

=== ''Team-A-Rooney'' [1.2] ===
:'''Pete''': Parker, what do you want in your lunch? Apple or banana? 
:'''Parker''': Keep going until you get to cupcake!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Maddie''': [confessional] Basketball is my life and being named captain of the team was huge for me! And I might have played it cool in front of the girls on the team, but I also may have gone home and squealed in my closet. Eee!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Liv''': [confessional] While I was away, Maddie got to be really good friends with her basketball teammates. Sweet girls, but they're all kind of like the before in a makeover show. What? It means they have potential!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Liv''': Ooh, fabosh! We are now officially ready for step two. 
:'''Maddie''': Remind me what step two is again.

=== ''Sleep-A-Rooney'' [1.3] ===
:'''Maddie''': Yeah, this game actually gets really intense. Mom banned us from playing in the living room because one time, Parker rolled a ten and on his ninth cartwheel knocked over Great-Gran's urn.
:'''Parker''': But her memory still lives on. In the dirt-vac.
:'''Liv''': [confessional] Huh, so I missed out on getting to know Parker and I think I might have missed a funeral. Ahaha, I thought Great-Gran was still with us. Oops.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Liv''': OK, I know we weren't all fans of Duck Duck Dinosaur, but there is something waiting for you outside that is going to blow your ten-year-old minds!
:'''Evan''': I'm nine.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Willow''': Madison!
:'''Maddie''': [sighs] Fine!

=== ''Steal-a-Rooney'' [1.4] ===
:'''Liv''': You look interesting, I'm Liv.
:'''Kylie''': (leaves)
:'''Liv''': But I didn't get your name.
:'''Maddie''': (enters room) Did I just see you talk to Kylie?
:'''Liv''': Oh, that's what her name is.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Joey''': The Z-Phone 620Q. It's ruined.
:'''Manager''': Counter life's not for you. Back to the Muck bucket.
:'''Joey''': Can I still wear the cape?
:'''Manager''': That's a no-no, Jo-Jo.

=== ''Kang-a-Rooney'' [1.5] ===
:'''Diggie''': Sup, Rooney?
:'''Maddie''': Sup, Diggie?
:'''Diggie''': Got your costume ready for Screamfest?
:'''Maddie''': You know I do. I got this really cool knight costume and it is going to melt your face off!
:'''Diggie''': Sweet. Hey I'll go as that too then, maybe we could win the couples' costume contest?
:'''Maddie''': Yeah, okay...
:'''Diggie''': Er, and you know when I mean couple I mean the contest category and... well you get it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Diggie''': and :'''Maddie''': WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
:'''Maddie''': Er, I'm a knight. We said we were gonna be knights.
:'''Diggie''': Oh, I thought you meant like 'the night'.
:'''Maddie''': Are you kidding? We're never going to be able to enter the couples' contest now.
:'''Diggie''': No, sure we can. We're a couple of k/nights! Hah.
:'''Maddie''': Yep, that is us. A couple, haha, of k/nights. Hah, if there was one more of us we'd be a few! But there's not because we're a couple of k/nights!

=== ''Skate-a-Rooney'' [1.6] ===
:'''Maddie''': Liv, you do know that being in a skateboarding movie doesn't actually qualify you to judge skateboarders. 
:'''Liv''': Well, the good people at Flip Kick magazine think differently.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Karen''': In between seasons of (sings) &quot;Sing It Loud!&quot; (back to normal) Liv starred in a movie called &quot;The Skateboard Bandit.&quot;
:'''Pete''': (doing his best Don Lafontaine imitation) A girl. A bag of loot. A skateboard. She'll take your money, and steal your heart.

=== ''Dodge-a-Rooney'' [1.7] ===
:'''Maddie''': Hi mom, I had the best day during community center, helping people feels so great.
:'''Karen''': Wow, oh Maddie I feel so glad, would you help me set the table?
:'''Maddie''': Ugh I'm so tired.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Parker''': My scooter broke. It was the weirdest thing, me and Cooper and Isaac and Kolton Jack and Richie and Stevie and Evan were riding on it and it just snapped.

=== ''Brain-a-Rooney'' [1.8] ===
:'''Artie''': I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the deafening sound of my own epicness, BOOM!
:'''Joey''': Hey! That's my line!
:'''Artie''': But, I make it work.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Maddie''': But that's because I was trying to get her to stop being a wack-a-doo! Have you never had to look into the eyes of a wack-a-doo?!?
:'''Willow''': Not until right now!

=== ''Sweet 16-a-Rooney'' [1.9] ===
:'''Diggie''': Well, I'm in. I want Maddie's sweet 16 to be as amazing as it can be.
:'''Pete''': Careful.
:'''Diggie''': Right, sorry.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Diggie''': Don't worry, birthday girl, your hero's here.
:'''Maddie''': [takes the plug out] Hey, superhero, plug's right here.

=== ''Fa-La-La-a-Rooney'' [1.10] ===
:'''Joey''': The only reason I did this Santa Stand was so that I could pay off your Christmas present. [Joey takes out helicopter] I talked Mom out of getting you that helicopter because I already got it for you.
:'''Parker''': I'm sorry, Munch, I had no idea you cared.
:'''Joey''': Me either, I guess it's just the Christmas spirit.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Joey''': Parker, Dad, come quick before it stops!
:'''Pete''': What is it, son?
:'''Parker''': Is it snowing on Christmas?
:'''Joey''': Better!
:'''Pete''': ...I got her those for Christmas.

=== ''Switch-a-Rooney'' [1.11] ===
:'''Maddie''': Sup, Diggie?
:'''Diggie''': Sup, Rooney?
:'''Maddie''': Sup with your hair? You did not get a hair cut just because my dad told you to?
:'''Diggie''': No, not at all... I totally needed a trim - do you think he'll like it?
:'''Maddie''': Diggie, you can't let him push you around like this. I mean, your hair was a hot mess but that's not the point.
:'''Diggie''': I can't help it okay? I want him to like me, he's your dad and you and me are... whatever we are.
:'''Maddie''': Totally, whatever... um. You just need to find something that you and my dad will like and bond over that.
:'''Diggie''': Oh yeah, okay great let's see. He likes growling at me!
:'''Maddie''': Oh, you know what else he likes? Barbecuing.
:'''Diggie''': Grilling sure beats growling. And if he starts to like me I can help you prep for you driver's test.
:'''Maddie''': Aw, that's so sweet.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Diggie''': Here we are: a couple of dudes getting ready to do some chilling and grilling. Are you okay that I just called you a dude?
:'''Pete''': Relax, we're barbecuing. Everybody's a dude.
:'''Diggie''': Okay, let's do this. [Diggie opens the barbecue]
:'''Pete''': Absolutely! [Pete closes the barbecue] First I need you to do a few things.
:'''Diggie''': Hit me, whatever you want. Shoot the corn? Season the meat?
:'''Pete''': Mow the lawn.
:'''Diggie''': Um, what?
:'''Pete''': And clean the gutters, rotate my tires, groat the tub and empty the dishwasher. Dude...
:'''Diggie''': What has that have to do with barbecuing?-
:'''Pete''': I thought you came here to learn?
:'''Diggie''': Let me go get the lawnmower.

=== ''Dump-a-Rooney'' [1.12] ===
:'''Maddie''': I just don't think it's going to work out.
:'''Pete''': But we were so good together, you and me.
:'''Maddie''': But there's someone else

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Parker''': (blows whistle) Traveling!
:'''Pete''': Traveling?
:'''Parker''': Yeah those tiny shorts are traveling right up your butt.

=== ''Move-a-Rooney'' [1.13] ===
:'''Diggie''': You're gonna move away without saying bye?
:'''Maddie''': I was going to but I got really hurt when you blew me off after reading my note.
:'''Diggie''': What note?
:'''Maddie''': The one I wrote on the basketball? Like one does when one is terrified of getting hurt, like one did.
:'''Diggie''': I must have smudged it with my basketball pig sweat. What did it say?
:'''Maddie''': I like you Diggie.
:'''Diggie''': I like you too Maddie (Maddie blushes)

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Diggie''': So looks like you're staying. We said some things.
:'''Maddie''': We sure did.
:'''Diggie''': I guess things will be different from now on.
:'''Maddie''': Yeah I guess. So sup?
:'''Diggie''': Stuff.
:'''Maddie''': Bam what? (They smile at each other)

=== ''Slump-A-Rooney'' [1.14] ===
:'''Maddie''': Okay, Willow. Ready? Focus. Fire it at me, right here. 
:''(Willow throws ball at a pot instead and breaks it by accident)'' 
:'''Maddie''': Perfect if we were playing smash that pot. Willow, you've been in a slump for days. 
:'''Willow''': I can't concentrate.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Karen''': Okay so what is going on with you and Joey? 
:'''Willow''': Nothing, that's the problem. It's spring time, love is in the air, birds are chirping but all I can think about is why my sweet little Joey bird at me! 
:'''Maddie''': Okay, but what does Joey have to do with your pitching? 
:'''Willow''': I can't concentrate. When I pitch, I look directly at you but every time I look at you, all I see is Joey.

=== ''Moms-A-Rooney'' [1.15] ===
:'''Liv''': Ooh! A package! Wait, what's in it? A new blouse? A new bag? Underwear that doesn't go up to your waist? 
:'''Karen''': It is an antique washboard. Isn't she a beauty?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Maddie''': (confessional) Mom, I can see and hear you.
:'''Karen''': Mhm.

=== ''Shoe-a-Rooney'' [1.16] ===
:'''Liv''': ''[comes home and sees Maddie wearing her new shoes, then gasps]''
:'''Maddie''': ''[laughs nervously]'' Hey, Liv. What are you doing here?
:'''Liv''': I'm here to take you back to the game. But what is all of this?
:'''Maddie''': Oh, you were so right, I *LOVE* these shoes! ''[imitates explosion]''
:'''Liv''': Oh, yeah, well, we can talk about that later. Just kick those off and we'll get you back to the game.
:'''Maddie''': ''[scoffs]'' I'm not going back to that game!
:'''Liv''': ''[gasps]'' Who are you?!
:'''Maddie''': ''[firmly]'' I am a shoe-loving sparkly girl! Do you wanna play super model with me?
:'''Liv''': Of course I do!

=== ''Howl-a-Rooney'' [1.17] ===
:'''Joey''': ''[confessional]'' ''Space Werewolves'' is the greatest sci-fi graphic novel ever. It is the epic tale of Tristan Lycanth; Half-wolf, half-human, and his battle to save his planet. It is like ''[[Star Wars]]'' and ''[[Lord of the Rings]]'' had a baby, and then ''[[The Avengers]]'' adopted it.

=== ''Flashback-A-Rooney'' [1.18] ===
:'''Karen''': Here is Aunt Dina's number in case you need to get a hold of us in LA. Keep it somewhere safe.
:'''Pete''': Got it. (gives address card to Maddie)

=== ''BFF-a-Rooney'' [1.19] ===
:'''South''': There's my BFFWLIWN!
:'''Maddie''': What?!?
:'''Liv''': and :'''South''': Best Friend Forever Who Lives In Wisconsin Now!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Diggie''': MADDIE ROONEY IS MY GIRLFRIEND!!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Maddie''': Tell her to stay away from my friend..... boy?
:'''Liv''': Friendboy?!

=== ''Song-a-Rooney'' [1.20] ===
:'''Pete''': We met with the music industry's top managers. We all decided to hire Becki Bickelhoff. She represents the biggest names in music today.
:'''Karen''': We've never heard of any of them. But to be fair, the last record we bought was... a record.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Maddie''': It's just that, you've been working so much, and I'm going to be leaving for the Junior Olympics basketball soon.
:'''Diggie''': Don't remind me. I already miss you.
:'''Stains''': Aww. Love. BLEAGH!

=== ''Space-Werewolf-A-Rooney'' [1.21] ===
:'''Vic''': Well, it's nice to have fans on the set. So what do you think of the scene, boys?
:'''Parker''': I think you're ruining the greatest story ever told!
:'''Joey''': This is the most action-packed moment in the graphic novel, and you're going to have her skip over a puddle and pose for pictures? This is an abomination!
:'''Parker''': I have no idea what that word means, but if it means... (blows a raspberry and gives a thumbs down gesture) then I concur!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Liv''': [confessional] What did I just say? All my own stunts? The most dangerous thing I've ever had to do on [singing] Sing It Loud [back to normal] was sing loud!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Maddie''': I'm a jock. (chuckles), and I thought I was invincible. But I guess I'm not. And that's scary.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Liv''': ''[repeated line, as Tristan Lycanth]'' You mess with the wolf, you get the howl. ''[howls like a wolf]''

== Season 2 ==
=== ''Premiere-A-Rooney'' [2.1] ===

=== ''Pottery-A-Rooney'' [2.2] ===

=== ''Helgaween-A-Rooney'' [2.3] ===
:'''Maddie''': Ohh, that stupid amulet made us triplets!! It's supposed to be Liv and Maddie! Not Liv and Maddie and...Helga!!

=== ''Kathy Kan-A-Rooney'' [2.4] ===
:'''Kathy Kan''': Who can? Kathy Kan can!
:'''Liv''': Who lives? Livy Liv lives.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kathy Kan''': Okay, I'm totally in this moment, but how does your makeup look so perfect after falling through the ceiling?
:'''Liv''': [giggles] Oh, Kathy... there are just some secrets that even friends don't share.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Liv''': Well, then maybe we can just be real-girl normal together.
:'''Kathy Kan''': Do you know how to do that?
:'''Liv''' : No, I have no idea. Oh, but you know what? We can ask Maddie.
:'''Kathy Kan''': Okay.
:'''Liv''': Yeah.
:'''Maddie''': [pounds on door] [shouts] Joey, get back out here right now and give me a rematch before I rip your eyebrows off and feed them to you!
:'''Liv''': Yeah, so maybe we won't ask Maddie.
:'''Kathy Kan''': Okay!

=== ''Match-A-Rooney'' [2.5] ===
:'''Joey''': (to Emily, while in the prank-proof box) Please. You didn't really want to go to the dance with me, and this was all an elaborate ruse to prank me. Well, the ruse is on yous. (looks puzzled, but then shrugs and nods)
:'''Emily''': Who's trying to prank you?
:'''Joey''': You, and the rest of the snooty, yet beautiful people who think you own the school. Well, let me tell you something, Emily. You may be cute, popular and on the honor roll, but I have seen your cartwheels, and they are inconsistent at best! (Emily gasps)

=== ''Hoops-A-Rooney'' [2.6] ===
:'''Liv''': Bam- 
:'''Maddie''': Ah, that is still mine!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Becki''': What?! But I told the producers that I've seen your Trophies and how you lead your team to the state Fi- it was the other twin, wasn't it?

=== ''New Year's Eve-A-Rooney'' [2.7] ===
While Liv co-hosts and performs at a party, Maddie learns of a secret that causes her to question her relationship with Diggie.

=== ''Bro-Cave-A-Rooney'' [2.8] ===
Joey and Parker's room is so filthy even they can't stand it and they want the girls to clean it. Liv and Maddie lose a bet and are forced to spend the night in the room.

=== ''Upcycle-A-Rooney'' [2.9] ===
Maddie is devastated when she loses her twin charm bracelet that Liv had given her but when Liv makes her feel guilty, Maddie decides to teach her a lesson. Meanwhile, Joey's feelings are hurt when Parker gets a new cool older brother.

=== ''Rate-A-Rooney'' [2.10] ===
The boys invent a rating system for how attractive girls are, and Liv writes a song to show that real beauty comes from within.

=== ''Detention-A-Rooney'' [2.11] ===
In order to get out of a mother/son pageant, Parker intentionally gets up to mischief to get detention. Meanwhile, Pete plays nurse when Liv and Maddie get sick at the same time.

=== ''Muffler-A-Rooney'' [2.12] ===
Maddie prepares for her game but is nervous about her knee. Liv films a sequel to a commercial she was in when she was six years old.

== Season 3 ==
=== ''Meatball-a-Rooney'' [3.7] === 
Willow gets a scholarship Maddie wanted, and they fight. Joey accidentally breaks Liv's toe and tries to make things better, but ends up making it even worse...

== Season 4 ==
=== ''Standup-a-Rooney'' [4.7] === 
Joey is invited to perform stand-up comedy at a local restaurant; Parker is unsure if he asked a classmate to be his partner in a science competition or his date to a school dance.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{Official website|http://disneychannel.disney.com/liv-and-maddie}}
* {{IMDb title|2794380}}

[[Category:2010s American comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Disney Channel shows]]</text>
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    <title>Peasant</title>
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      <text bytes="19917" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Peasants 3French Best.jpg|thumb|upright|Portrait sculpture of 18th-century French peasants]]
'''[[w:Peasant|Peasant]]''' is a member of a traditional class of [[w:Farmers|farmers]], either [[laborers]] or owners of small [[farms]]. Its plural form is [[wiktionary:peasant|peasants]]. Peasants form the main labor force in [[agriculture]] and [[w:Horticulture|horticulture]]. It also means a [[country]] person, an uncouth, crude or ill-bred person.
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha|[[#Anonymous|Anon]]}}
== A ==
*[[Turkey]]'s true master is the peasant. 
**[[Mustafa Kemal Atatürk]], in Thomas Chi ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=H9ao45JHuVAC&amp;pg=PT27 U.S.A. Toddler Importing as a Turkish Businessman]'', OilUSA.Co, 1 June 2011, p. 27

== B ==

*They eat the dainty [[food]] of famous chefs with the same [[pleasure]] with which they [[w:Devour|devour]] gross peasant dishes, mostly composed of [[w:Garlic|garlic]] and [[w:Tomatoes|tomatoes]], or [[fisherman]]'s [[w:Octopus|octopus]] and [[w:Shrimps|shrimps]], fried in heavily scented [[w:Olive oil|olive oil]] on a little deserted [[w:Beach|beach]].
**[[w:Luigi Barzini, Jr|Luigi Barzini]], in ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=7X1rZfRn22sC&amp;pg=PA6 Italians]'', Simon and Schuster, 1964, p. 6

*A peasant becomes fond of his [[w:Pig|pig]] and is glad to salt away its [[w:Pork|pork]]. What is significant, and is so difficult for the urban stranger to understand, is that the two statements are connected by an and not by a but.
**[[John Berger]], in Chris Philo, Chris Wilbert ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=a9uFAgAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PA116 Animal Spaces, Beastly Places]'', Routledge, 2 August 2004, p. 116
[[File:Van_Gogh_-_Zwei_B%C3%A4uerinnen_beim_Kartoffelgraben.jpeg|right|thumb|My [[wife]] was the first [[w:Art collector|art collector]] in the family, and I didn't become interested until around 1973. The first important artwork we bought was a [[Van Gogh]] drawing of two peasant houses in [[w:Saintes-Maries-de-la-Mer|Saintes-Maries-de-la-Mer]].]]
*My [[wife]] was the first [[w:Art collector|art collector]] in the family, and I didn't be|come interested until around 1973. The first important artwork we bought was a [[Van Gogh]] drawing of two peasant houses in [[w:Saintes-Maries-de-la-Mer|Saintes-Maries-de-la-Mer]].
**[[w:Eli Broad|Eli Broad]], in ''[http://www.laweekly.com/2011-09-22/art-books/eli-broad-blame-my-wife/ Eli Broad: Blame My Wife]'', 22 September 2011

*You know most of the [[food]] that [[Americans]] hold so dear - things like hamburgers and hot dogs - were road food, but even before they were road food, they were peasant food.
**[[w:Alton Brown|Alton Brown]], in ''[http://www.mymagic949.com/weblogs/kellys-kitchen/2012/sep/07/i-love-veggie-burgers/ I Love Veggie Burgers!]'', Magic 949, 7 September 2012

== C ==

*'''There are no [[w:Bridges|bridges]] in [[w:Folk songs|folk songs]] because the peasants died building them.'''
**[[Eugene Chadbourne]], in Mark Michaels ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=h2YJAQAAMAAJ The Billboard book of rock arranging]'', Billboard Books, 1 May 1990, p. 192

== D ==

*If ever there was a slamming of the door in the face of constructive investigation, it is the word [[miracle]]. To a medieval peasant, a [[radio]] would have seemed like a miracle.
**[[Richard Dawkins]], in Hal Marcovitz ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=c0MBotFwfc4C&amp;pg=PT83 Teaching Intelligent Design]'', ABDO, 1 January 2009, p. 83

== E ==
== F ==

*There aren't many great passages written about [[food]] but I love one by [[w:George Millar|George Millar]], who worked for the SOE in the [[World War II|second world war]] and wrote a book called 'Horned Pigeon.' He had been on the run and hadn't eaten for a week, and his description of the [[w:Cheese fondue|cheese fondue]] he smells in the peasant [[w:Kitchen|kitchen]] of a house in eastern [[France]] is unbelievable.
**[[w:Sebastian Faulks|Sebastian Faulks]], in ''[http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2009/sep/13/whats-in-your-basket-sebastian-faulks Dr John Briffa assesses Sebastian Faulks' shopping basket]'', The Guardian, 13 September 2009

== G ==
[[File:Van_Gogh_-_Acker_mit_pl%C3%BCgenden_Bauern_und_M%C3%BChle.jpeg|thumb|right|I grew up in a family of peasants, and it was there that I saw the way that, for example, our [[wheat]] fields suffered as a result of [[Dust storm|dust storm]]s, [[w:Water erosion|water erosion]] and [[w:Wind erosion|wind erosion]]; I saw the effect of that on [[life]]- on human life. - [[Mikhail Gorbachev]].]]
*'''He is happiest, be he king or peasant, who finds [[peace]] in his [[home]]'''.
**[[Johann Wolfgang von Goethe]], in ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=M_W-yRp5jRIC&amp;pg=PA6 Quotes about Home]'', Quotations Book, p. 6

*I have drawn into myself so much that I literally do not see any other people anymore-- excepting the peasants with whom I have direct contact, since I [[paint]] them.
**[[Vincent van Gogh]], in Ingo F. Walther ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=vJ98rfkl1DQC Van Gogh]'', Barnes &amp; Noble, 1 January 1999

*I grew up in a family of peasants, and it was there that I saw the way that, for example, our [[wheat]] fields suffered as a result of [[Dust storm|dust storm]]s, [[w:Water erosion|water erosion]] and [[w:Wind erosion|wind erosion]]; I saw the effect of that on [[life]]- on human life.
**[[Mikhail Gorbachev]], in ''[http://www.loe.org/shows/shows.html?programID=00-P13-00037 Air Date: September 15, 2000 : Gorbachev on the Environment],'' Living on Earth, 15 September 2000

*And it is practically the same in the case of the four or five million poor peasants in [[France]], and also for [[Switzerland]], [[Belgium]], [[w:Holland|Holland]], and two of the [[w:Scandinavia|Scandinavia]]n countries. Everywhere small and medium sized industry prevails.
**[[w:Herman Gorter|Herman Gorter]], in ''[https://www.marxists.org/archive/gorter/1920/open-letter/ch01.htm Herman Gorter, Open Letter to Comrade Lenin, 1920]'', Marxists.org
[[File:Yuanyang hani farmer.jpg|thumb|right|As [[w:Farmers|farmers]] or owners, the poor peasants possess a piece of [[land]]. The excellent means of transport enables them often to sell their goods. At the very worst they can mostly provide their own [[food]]. - [[w:Herman Gorter|Herman Gorter]].]]
*The [[revolution]] in [[Russia]] was terrible for the [[w:Proletariat|proletariat]] in the long years of its development and it is terrible now, after the [[victory]]. But at the actual time of revolution it was easy, and this was due to the peasants.
**[[w:Herman Gorter|Herman Gorter]], in ''[https://libcom.org/files/Herman%20Gorter-%20Open%20letter%20to%20comrade%20Lenin.pdf Herman Gorter Open letter to comrade Lenin (1921)]'', Libcom.org

*'''As [[w:Farmers|farmers]] or owners, the poor peasants possess a piece of [[land]]. The excellent means of transport enables them often to sell their goods. At the very worst they can mostly provide their own [[food]].'''
**[[w:Herman Gorter|Herman Gorter]], in &quot;Herman Gorter, Open Letter to Comrade Lenin, 1920&quot;

*Because in [[Russia]] you were able to triumph with the help of a large class of poor peasants, you represent things in such a way, as if we in [[w:Western Europe|Western Europe]] are also going to have that help.
**[[w:Herman Gorter|Herman Gorter]], in “Herman Gorter, Open Letter to Comrade Lenin, 1920”

*For the [[Russia]]n masses, the [[w:Proletarians|proletarians]], knew for certain, and already saw during the [[war]], and in part before their very [[eyes]], that the peasants would soon be on their side.
**[[w:Herman Gorter|Herman Gorter]], in “Herman Gorter, Open Letter to Comrade Lenin, 1920”

*To [[judge]] from all [[Communist]] papers, magazines and brochures, and from all public assemblies, one might even surmise that a [[revolt]] of the poor peasants in [[w:Western Europe|Western Europe]] might break out at any moment!
**[[w:Herman Gorter|Herman Gorter]], in “Herman Gorter, Open Letter to Comrade Lenin, 1920”

== H ==
*Like medieval peasants, [[computer]] [[w:Manufacturers|manufacturers]] and millions of users are locked in a seemingly eternal [[w:Lease|lease]] with their evil [[w:Landlord|landlord]], who comes around every two years to collect billions of dollars of [[taxes]] in return for [[w:Mediocre|mediocre]] [[w:Services|services]].
**[[w:Mark Harris (programmer)|Mark Harris]], in ''[http://seclists.org/nmap-announce/1999/305 Nmap presentation at SANS Network Security 99]'', Seclists.org, 4 October 1999

== I ==
== J ==

*I'm a peasant &lt;br&gt; I'm the [[w:Muzhik|muzhik]] &lt;br&gt;A pest you're [[w:Destiny|destined]] to play the [[music]]&lt;br&gt;And yes it's pleasant to say it's [[beauty]] I'm&lt;br&gt; Indebted to rest respecting it truly 
**Criss Jami, in ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=lt5UAgAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PT7 Diotima, Battery, Electric Personality]'', Criss Jami, 9 December 2013, p. 7

== K ==
== L ==

*This [[world]] is run by people who know how &lt;br&gt; to do things. They know how things work. &lt;br&gt; They are equipped. Up there, there's a layer &lt;br&gt;of people who run everything. But we - &lt;br&gt;we're just peasants. We don't understand&lt;br&gt; what's going on, and we can't do anything.
**[[Doris Lessing]], in Sheldon Rampton, John Stauber ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=_OEPBt16JscC&amp;pg=PT7 Trust Us, We're Experts PA: How Industry Manipulates Science and Gambles with Your Future]'', Penguin, 14 January 2002, p. 7

== M ==
[[File:Alexander_Nevsky_Striking_Birger_Jarl.jpg|right|thumb|[[George S. Patton|Patton]] was living in the [[w:Dark Ages|Dark Ages]]. [[Soldiers]] were peasants to him. I didn't like that [[attitude]] - [[Bill Mauldin]].]]
*In verity we are the [[poor]]. This [[humanity]] we would claim for ourselves is the [[legacy]], not only of the [[Enlightenment]], but of the thousands and thousands of [[Europe]]an peasants and poor townspeople who came here bringing their humanity and their sufferings with them. It is the absence of a stable upper class that is responsible for much of the [[w:Vulgarity|vulgarity]] of the [[American]] scene. Should we blush before the visitor for this [[w:Deficiency|deficiency]]?
**[[w:Mary McCarthy (author)|Mary Mccarthy]], in ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=U4xlY1rHCDIC&amp;pg=PA14 Quotes about Poverty and The Poor]'', Quotations Book, p. 14

*We [[w:Forgive|forgave]], followed and accepted because we liked the way he looked. And he had a pretty wife. Camelot was fun, even for the peasants, as long as it was televised to their [[huts]].
**[[w:Joe McGinniss|Joe McGinniss]], in ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=-ubrAAAAMAAJ The language lens]'', Prentice-Hall, 1973, p. 70

*[[George S. Patton|Patton]] was living in the [[w:Dark Ages|Dark Ages]]. [[Soldiers]] were peasants to him. I didn't like that [[attitude]].
**[[Bill Mauldin]], in George L. Hand ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=k0HoM3SCWzoC&amp;pg=PA59 World War Ii, To The Greatest Generation/A Poetic History of the War's Duration]'', iUniverse, 3 January 2012, p. 59 

*I prefer the company of peasants because they have not been [[educated]] sufficiently to [[reason]] incorrectly.
**[[Michel de Montaigne]], in Lloyd Albert Johnson ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=D8TJX35RMgMC&amp;pg=PA123 A Toolbox for Humanity: More Than 9000 Years of Thought]'', Trafford Publishing, 2003, p. 123

== N ==
[[File:Reeve and Serfs.jpg|thumb|right|[[w:Serfs|Serfs]] in [[w:Kingdom of England|feudal England]].]]
*Today the large organization is lord and master, and most of its employees have been desensitized much as were the [[w:Medieval|medieval]] peasants who never knew they were [[w:Serfs|serfs]].
**[[Ralph Nader]], in Iam A. Freeman ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=vWuPAwAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PA366 Seeds of Revolution: A Collection of Axioms, Passages and Proverbs ..., Volume 1''], iUniverse, 26 March 2014, p. 366

== O ==
== P ==
[[File:TahitiGirls.png|thumb|200px|Tahitian girls, modern day]]
*All men are by nature equal, made all of the same [[earth]] by one Workman; and however we deceive ourselves, as dear unto [[God]] is the poor peasant as the mighty prince.
**[[Plato]], in Pastor Stephen Kyeyune ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=QOCH0UvLMJAC&amp;pg=PA109 The Legacy of a Hero; Life Lived from the Christian Prospective]'', AuthorHouse, 6 February 2013

*I should consent to [[w:Breed|breed]] under [[w:Pressure|pressure]], if I were convinced in any way of the reasonableness of reproducing the [[w:Species|species]]. But my nerves and the nerves of any woman I could live with three months, would produce only a victim... lacking in [[w:Impulse|impulse]], a mere bundle of [[w:Discrimination|discrimination]]s. If I were [[wealthy]] I might subsidize a [[stud]] of young peasants, or a [[w:Tribal|tribal]] group in [[w:Tahiti|Tahiti]].
**[[Ezra Pound]], in ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=fUu1dfWnyUEC&amp;pg=PA7 Quotes by Pound Ezra]'', Quotations Book, p. 7

== Q ==
== R ==

*Only in [[America]] do these peasants, our [[mothers]], get their hair dyed [[w:Platinum|platinum]] at the age of sixty, and walk up and down Collins Avenue in [[Florida]] in pedal pushers and mink stoles / and with opinions on every subject under the [[sun]]. It isn't their fault they were given a [[gift]] like speech / look, if cows could talk, they would say things just as [[idiotic]].
**[[Philip Roth]], in ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=dKYbU9qjEOQC&amp;pg=PA8&amp;lpg=PA8. Quotes about Mothers]'', Quotations Book. P.8

== S ==
[[File:Yunnan riziere.jpg|right|thumb|The benefit of rich families putting their child through [[w:Harvard University|Harvard]] is always going to exist. But it's quite evident that there are 700 million peasants in [[China]] who are never going to go to Harvard. - [[w:Michael J. Saylor|Michael J. Saylor]].]]
[[File:S. V. Ivanov. Yuri's Day. (1908).jpg|right|thumb|Scratch a [[Russian]] you'll find a [[Tatar]]. Scratch a Russian worker and you'll find a peasant.]]
*The benefit of rich families putting their child through [[w:Harvard University|Harvard]] is always going to exist. But it's quite evident that there are 700 million peasants in [[China]] who are never going to go to Harvard.
**[[w:Michael J. Saylor|Michael J. Saylor]], in Alisha Azevedo ''[http://chronicle.com/article/A-Dot-Com-Entrepreneurs/135702/ A Dot-Com Entrepreneur's Wild Ambition: Drive Education Costs to Zero]'', The Chronicler of Higher Education, 11 November 2012

*Scratch a [[Russian]] you'll find a [[Tatar]]. Scratch a Russian worker and you'll find a peasant.
**Old saying, in Caradog Vaughan James ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=MeF9AAAAIAAJ Soviet Socialist Realism: Origins and Theory]'', MacMillan, 1973, p. 48

*After we passed a few more houses, the street ceased to maintain any pretense of urbanity, like a man returning to his little village who, piece by piece, strips off his Sunday best, slowly changing back into a peasant as he gets closer to his home.
**[[w:Bruno Schulz|Bruno Schulz]], in Bruno Schulz, Jonathan Safran Foer, David Goldfarb ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=WdUpAQAAIAAJ The street of crocodiles and other stories]'', Penguin Books, 25 March 2008, p. 5

*[[Commerce]] has set the mark of selfishness, the signet of its all-enslaving [[power]], upon a shining ore, and called it gold: before whose image bow the vulgar great, the vainly rich, the miserable proud, the mob of peasants, nobles, priests, and kings, and with blind feelings [[reverence]] the power that grinds them to the dust of [[misery]].
**[[Percy Bysshe Shelley]], in ''[http://knarf.english.upenn.edu/PShelley/mab5.html Queen Mab]'', knarf.english

*'''The [[earth]] is the earth as a peasant sees it, the [[world]] is the world as a [[w:Duchess|duchess]] sees it, and anyway a duchess would be nothing if the earth was not there as the peasant sees it.'''
**[[Gertrude Stein]], in ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=R_qGqJ01RFMC&amp;pg=PT71 Everybody's Autobiography]'', Random House LLC, 13 March 2013, p. 71
[[File:Prokudin-Gorskii-08.jpg|thumb|right|In the middle classes the gifted son of a family is always the poorest - usually a writer or [[artist]] with no [[sense]] for [[speculation]] - and in a [[family]] of peasants, where the average [[comfort]] is just over [[penury]], the gifted son sinks also, and is soon a [[tramp]] on the roadside. - ]]
*In the middle classes the gifted son of a family is always the poorest - usually a writer or [[artist]] with no [[sense]] for [[speculation]] - and in a [[family]] of peasants, where the average [[comfort]] is just over [[penury]], the gifted son sinks also, and is soon a [[tramp]] on the roadside.
**[[J.M. Synge]], in ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=dVFzksf_A_0C&amp;pg=PA113 Beckett and Bion: The (Im)Patient Voice in Psychotherapy and Literature]'', Karnac Books, 2013, p. 113

== T ==

*[[Soldiers]] and peasants lived together on friendly terms; they knew each other and their everyday routines, and [[trust]]ed each other; they shook their heads together over the [[war]].
**[[w:Ernst Toller|Ernst Toller]], in ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=wFQ1AQAAIAAJ Unknown Germany]'', 1948, p. 121

*If the [[w:French nobility|French noblesse]] had been capable of playing [[cricket]] with their peasants, their [[w:Château|chateaux]] would never have been burnt.
**[[G. M. Trevelyan]], in J. A. Mangan ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=MtMskDfTkjsC&amp;pg=PA259 Pleasure, Profit, Proselytism: British Culture and Sport at Home and Abroad, 1700-1914]'', Psychology Press, 1988, p. 259

== U ==
[[File:Pieter Bruegel the Elder - Peasant Wedding - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|right|Every [[marriage]] tends to consist of an [[w:Aristocrat|aristocrat]] and a peasant. Of a [[teacher]] and a [[w:Learner|learner]]. -[[John Updike]].]]
*Every [[marriage]] tends to consist of an [[w:Aristocrat|aristocrat]] and a peasant. Of a [[teacher]] and a [[w:Learner|learner]].
**[[John Updike]], in ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=ajExaDW20kIC&amp;pg=PA47 Quotes about Marriage]'', Quotations Book, p. 47

== V ==
== W ==

*The sole and basic source of our [[strength]] is the [[solidarity]] of workers, peasants and the intelligentsia, the solidarity of the [[nation]], the solidarity of [[people]] who seek to [[live]] in [[dignity]], [[truth]], and in [[harmony]] with their [[conscience]].
**[[Lech Walesa]], in Suzanne McIntire, William E. Burns ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=L-6ghsWDMTAC&amp;pg=PA504 Speeches in World History]'', Infobase Publishing, 1 January 2009, p. 504

*That a peasant may become [[king]] does not render the [[w:Monarchy|kingdom]] [[democratic]].
**[[Woodrow Wilson]], in Tom Frank ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=t_oGhs4r54QC&amp;pg=PT49 One Market Under God: Extreme Capitalism, Market Populism and the End of Economic Democracy]'', Random House, 30 September 2010, p. 49

== X ==
== Y ==
[[File:Writers in farm village.jpg|right|thumb|Writers in farm village of [[Mo Yan]].]]
*I heard so many stories from [[w:Gaomi|Gaomi]]'s peasants that I had an irrepressible urge to write them down. Today, Gaomi's peasants know that they have become famous around the [[world]] through my writings, but I think they are a little puzzled by this.
**, in Illaria Maria Sala ''[http://online.wsj.com/news/articles/SB10000872396390444354004578058514014110452 A Complicated Honor],'' The Wall Street Journal, 15 October 2012

== Z ==

*There is a serious tendency toward [[capitalism]] among the well-to-do peasants. This tendency will become rampant if we in the slightest way neglect [[political]] work among the peasant during the [[w:Co-operative movement|co-operative movement]] and for a very long period and after.
**[[Mao Zedong]], in Tse-tung Mao, Zedong Mao ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=-1UETU2h-AoC&amp;pg=PA32 Quotations from Chairman Mao Tsetung]'', China Books, 1990, p. 32

== Anonymous ==

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Wiktionary}}
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    <title>Saint George (TV series)</title>
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'''''[[w:Saint George (TV series)|Saint George]]''''' (2014) was an American [[w:sitcom|sitcom]] starring comedian [[w:George Lopez|George Lopez]].

== Season 1 ==

=== ''Won't Get Fooled Again'' [1.01] ===
: '''Alma''': The longest relationship you've ever had is with your hand.
: ''[George holds up his left hand]''
: '''Alma''': The other hand.

=== ''I Wish'' [1.02] ===
: '''George''': America was founded in 1776 with the Declaration of Independence. Now, think of that document like a birth certificate for the baby country. The U.S. shot out of England, it cried for a while, had to fend for itself, and the first law that it passed was called...
: '''Student''': The United States Constitution.
: '''George''': Man, I love it when you interrupt me and you're ''wrong''! You're confident, I like that, but you're still wrong.

=== ''Why Can't We Be Friends?'' [1.03] ===
: '''Alma''': All you need to learn is in this box, not in those books.
: ''[Alma pulls Harper over to her TV]''
: '''Alma''': You see that guy? That lady is crying because the man chopped up her brother who was part of the cartel, put him in the trunk, and set the car on fire.
: '''Harper''': What does that have to do with math?
: '''Alma''': The man owed money. He got killed. That's math. He got chopped up into eleven different pieces and scattered in five different places. That's also math: fractions.

=== ''Having My Baby'' [1.04] ===
: '''Harper''' ''[to George]'': Where are we going?
: '''George''' ''[to everyone in the restaurant]'': We're going to Chipotle, where a Mexican can be treated with the respect that he deserves. Vámonos, Harper.
: '''Harper''': I don't know what that means.
: '''George''': Come on!

=== ''Superstition'' [1.05] ===
: '''Student''': Mr. Lopez, the online community pretty much agrees that aliens actually built the pyramids. How else would Maya have such advanced knowledge of astronomy and math?
: '''George''': There you go! Huh! People find it easier to believe in space aliens than in smart Mexicans.

=== ''Carry On Wayward Son'' [1.06] ===
: '''George''': Can I get you anything?
: '''Alma''': Some water.
: '''George''': Be right back.
: '''Alma''': George! From the tap. None of that bottled water you buy. You know who buys water? Stupids.

=== ''Hit Me With Your Best Shot'' [1.07] ===
: ''[George's cell phone rings in class and he answers it]''
: '''George''': Mom, I'm in the middle of my class. Well, tell Gloria that she can't. Why? Because we're not zoned for slaughtering sheep! Which bathtub? In my master, hello. Hello?
: ''[Alma hangs up on George]''
: '''George''': Son of a BITCH!... was one of Nero's favorite expressions. He is known for executing a lot of people, including his own mother, who people describe as a ruthless, violent, dominating woman. Who knew that Nero's last name was Lopez? Nero Lopez.

=== ''Hot Blooded'' [1.08] ===
: '''George''': Tio, she had a tattoo of a human sacrifice. Usually, they have like, a dolphin or a butterfly. She had a decapitation on one of her chi-chi's!

=== ''School's Out'' [1.09] ===
: '''Headmistress''': Mr. Lopez, you can't just buy your way into our school... for anything less than this.
: ''[The headmistress writes a figure on a note and slides it to George]''
: '''George''': Damn, that is a lot of zeroes. That would get him in?
: '''Headmistress''': Well, our school is very big on parental donations.
: '''George''': When you say donations, do you mean donations, or do you mean ''[George winks]'' ''donations''?
: '''Headmistress''': That one with the wink!

=== ''Rich Girl'' [1.10] ===
: '''George''': Well, let me tell you something - it's refreshing to finally be in a relationship with someone that I connect with emotionally, spiritually.
: ''[Mackenzie holds up the pajamas that were given to George by his new girlfriend]''
: '''Mackenzie''': Is that why there are no bottoms?

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia|Saint George (TV series)}}
* {{IMDb title|3496994|Saint George}}

[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
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'''''[[w:Rubicon (TV series)|Rubicon]]''''' (2010) is an American television series, broadcast on the [[w:AMC (TV channel)|AMC]] television network, about an [[w:intelligence analyst|intelligence analyst]] at a national [[w:think tank|think tank]] in New York City called the American Policy Institute (API), who discovers that he may be working with members of a [[w:secret society|secret society]] that manipulates world events on a grand scale.

== Season 1 ==
=== ''Gone in the Teeth'' [1.01] ===

:'''Miles''': If a client doesn’t know what questions to ask...
:'''Will''': We tell them what questions to ask.
:'''Miles''': An adversary doesn’t know how far they’re willing to bend, I’m thinking we try the same thing.
:'''Will''': This for next week’s North Korea session? ''[Miles nods]'' Has it been done with success?
:'''Miles''': [[Leonid Brezhnev|Brezhnev’s]] loaded on vodka at an orgy negotiating [[w:SALT II|SALT II]] with [[Jimmy Carter|Carter]]. He refuses Carter’s every ask. [[w:Cyrus Vance|Cy Vance]] tells Carter to agree to Brezhnev’s asks...
:'''Will''': But then repeat them back using his own instead of Brezhnev’s.
:'''Miles''': Yeah. Carter shouts louder and louder over Brezhnev’s ladies but by the time he’s done, Brezhnev says he’s glad Carter saw the light and they had a deal.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kale''': ''[at Daniel's funeral]'' We have something pressing to discuss, Will. Daniel’s position is too integral to leave open, even for the week or month good decorum would demand. ''[pause]'' I know the full scope of your history with Daniel. I’ve always known. So while I’d like to put off this conversation, I can’t. Those I answer to, upstairs and elsewhere, are eager for resolution. Knowing how closely you worked with Daniel, I assume you know the breadth of his responsibilities. I’d like you to step into his position.
:''[Will shakes his head.]''
:'''Will''': I’d say I’m better off staying where I am, but I don’t even believe that’s true anymore. Might be best for me to leave.
:'''Kale''': I expected that. Take a few days to think it over. If your mind doesn’t change, I’ll accept your answer, and your resignation.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed''': What did Daniel tell you about me?
:'''Will''': You were among the brightest in a building full of bright people. Trusted. Keys to the kingdom... Ed, can I come in?
:'''Ed''': Sure.
:''[Ed double-bolts the door.]''
:'''Ed''': Keys to the kingdom. And then...
:'''Will''': You got confused. Things unraveled.
:'''Ed''': Daniel never would’ve said that. Someone else spoke those words. You believe everything you hear? Not as advertised. Not at all. You were supposed to be sharp. That’s what he told me. Things didn’t unravel, Will. I started comprehending.
:'''Will''': Comprehending what?
:''[Ed unlocks the door.]''
:'''Ed''': A month or two, a year or two. Time’s a whore. As for whom I was playing, who do any of us ever contend with?
:'''Will''': What were you comprehending, Ed?
:'''Ed''': The work we do: genesis, progress, judgement. Who is it used by?
:'''Will''': Our employers.
:'''Ed''': You do know they hide in plain view, don’t you? 
:'''Will''': Who’s “they?”
:'''Ed''': ''They''? They’s ''them''! What’s the matter with you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Will''': ''[about Daniel]'' I know how this is going to sound, but all the rituals, his rituals, how superstitious he was... 
:'''Maggie''': Slow down. 
:'''Will''': His biggest phobia by far was the number 13. Respected and feared it, constantly watched out for it.
:'''Maggie''': Will, can you lower your voice?
:'''Will''': He’d never step on an elevator, boat, taxi or train whose serial number started or ended with 13, was divisible by 13, aggregated to 13, was divisible by 13... 
:'''Maggie''': Your voice, Will.
:'''Will''': His car hasn’t been retrieved yet. It’s still in the parking lot at the train depot where he left it. ''[pause]'' Where he supposedly left it.
:'''Maggie''': Supposedly?
:'''Will''': His car is parked in spot 13. 
:'''Maggie''': Maybe he didn’t notice the number.
:'''Will''': He saw the number.
:'''Maggie''': Maybe he needed to get to work, saw the train pulling up and it was the only space open.
:'''Will''': There is no way Daniel Haddas would park there. 
:'''Maggie''': If Daniel didn’t park there...
:'''Will''': He never boarded that train. 
:'''Maggie''': But his remains were identified.
:'''Will''': I know...
:'''Maggie''': So how were they found there in the wreckage?
:'''Will''': I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.
:'''Maggie''': What happened was horrible. But Daniel’s gone. He boarded the train and it crashed. He died along with 36 strangers. Maybe there is no why.
:'''Will''': There’s ''always'' a why.

=== ''The First Day of School'' [1.02] ===

=== ''Keep the Ends Out'' [1.03] ===

=== ''The Outsider'' [1.04] ===

:'''Kale''': I'm going to assume you all can manage Will's absence without me looking too closely over your shoulders. Let's put Yuri/Beck aside for the moment. CIA just sent over a new field report from an agent in [[w:Jakarta|Jakarta]] - a member of the Indonesian Mujahideen Council who has provided very solid information in the past. It looks like we may have a window of opportunity to eliminate Kateb.
:'''Miles''': Eliminate? Can't we grab him?
:'''Kale''': No, Jakarta won't sanction it. The best we can do is a [[w:AGM-114 Hellfire|Hellfire]] strike from a [[w:General Atomics MQ-1 Predator|Predator]].
:'''Grant''': How soon?
:'''Kale''': The day after tomorrow. [[w:United States National Security Council|NSC]] wants an assessment.
:'''Tanya''': In 72 hours?
:'''Kale''': The bad guys aren't going to sit still because you've got more reading to catch up on.
:'''Grant''': When is Will back from his teacher's pet tour?
:'''Kale''': Wednesday. You guys prep the file. He can help you write the final. ''[pause]'' And you're going to have to be unanimous. No split decisions when it comes to irreversibles. 
:''[Kale leaves]''
:'''Tanya''': Irreversibles?
:'''Grant''': People you can't un-kill.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tanya''': So it's a no-brainer. He's a bad guy.
:'''Grant''': This kind of assessment requires us to build a solid foundation.
:'''Miles''': ''[to Tanya]'' You do realize that &quot;surgical strike&quot; is a euphemism for a [[w:Thermobaric weapon|thermobaric warhead]] capable of demolishing this entire block?
:'''Grant''': Can we at least agree that Kateb is a legitimate target for lethal action?
:'''Miles''': If we take this guy out, we gain nothing new. No intelligence, no leverage, no real justice. Just one less player on a crowded field.
:'''Tanya''': Kateb is more than just another player. He's a symbol. He's an [[al-Qaeda]] rock star.
:'''Miles''': [[w:Executive Order 12333|Executive Order 12333]] prohibits assassination ''unless'' the target is ''specifically'' engaged in combat against the United States. None of this evidence points to Kateb attacking the United States.
:'''Grant''': He's a leader of al-Qaeda.
:'''Miles''': He leads a few dozen kids around the jungles of Indonesia in black pajamas. This schmuck doesn't keep me up at night.
:'''Tanya''': Will you sleep better after he beheads a few more innocents?
:''[Maggie enters]''
:'''Maggie''': You guys need anything?
:'''Tanya''': Balls.
:'''Grant''': I think we're going to need lunch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Miles''': With a second source confirming this, our chance of success jumps to over 60%.
:'''Tanya''': Where do you even get these numbers?
:'''Miles''': Uh, data. Remember that?
:'''Grant''': We're never going to have a second source in time. We've got to proceed or not on the basis of this report.
:'''Miles''': Then we're still below 50%. Any way to get a visual confirmation of Kateb's arrival at the location?
:'''Grant''': No.
:'''Miles''': Then we don't know this is real.
:'''Tanya''': Real? Source reliability quotient 71%? Targeting accuracy differential 4.3? You want to throw numbers at the problem? You think ''that's'' real?
:'''Miles''': ''[to Grant]'' She doesn't belong here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Truxton''': We want to avoid anything that would undermine our ability to act as an effective partner to the Secretary and the Pentagon. We simply lack the resources this kind of reporting would require. Even the preparation...
:'''Col. Mitchell''': I hope you won't mind if we skip the foreplay.
:'''Truxton''': Certainly.
:'''Col. Mitchell''': You don't have to explain to us why you want to keep that bra-burning Congresswoman from poking into your business. Nothing could be clearer. But with all due respect Truxton, why should you be spared the same financial sodomizing we're subjected to twice a year?
:'''Truxton''': I see. You want to know what's in it for you.
:''[The colonel smiles]''
:'''Truxton''': What's in it for Col. Mitchell, Will?
:'''Will''': We maintain a unique position in the intelligence community. By virtue of our inter-jurisdictional portfolio, API is...
:'''Col. Mitchell''': Can you please get to the point?
:'''Will''': Colonel, API sees everything. We ask for it, we get it. [[w:Federal Bureau of Investigation|FBI]], [[w:United States Department of Homeland Security|Homeland Security]], [[w:United States Department of the Treasury|Treasury]], [[w:Central Intelligence Agency|CIA]], [[w:National Reconnaissance Office|NRO]], [[w:National Security Agency|NSA]]...
:'''Blue suit''': We are aware.
:'''Will''': We like to share with our friends.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fredrick Trident''': If this were entirely our decision, we'd be more than happy to keep the entire intelligence community off limits to Congress. But there are some political realities in play that make that impossible. ''[stands and begins gathering his things]''
:'''Truxton''': A final thought if I might. ''[Trident sits]'' When you left your house this morning wearing that tie, perhaps your wife stopped you at the door. Perhaps she told you how good you looked in that tie. How handsome it was. While I'm sure you love your wife, might I suggest that you have many reasons to distrust her judgment about your tie. Maybe she has a fond memory of another time you wore it. A sentimental attachment. Perhaps she knows your tie collection, and is simply glad you didn't wear one of the ties she dislikes. Perhaps she sensed you were feeling a little fragile and felt like bucking you up a bit. Now imagine for a minute that you sit down here with us, and I say to you how much I admire that tie. Instantly you have another opinion. You don't know me, my taste. We have no sartorial history. No emotional attachment.
:'''Frederick Trident''': Yes, but I know you've come here looking for my help.
:'''Truxton''': Certainly. No one, no analyst, is without bias, without agenda, without blind spots. ''[pause]'' The gentleman to my right is a remarkable intelligence analyst. He is skilled in [[w:pattern recognition|pattern recognition]], [[w:systems analysis|systems analysis]], and [[w:emergence|emergence]] theory. But in truth, his greatest asset for you is that you don't know how he thinks. You don't know how he lives. You don't know what motivates him. You don't know his taste in ties. ''[pause]'' You can trust him.

=== ''Connect the Dots'' [1.05] ===

=== ''Look to the Ant'' [1.06] ===

=== ''The Truth Will Out'' [1.07] ===

=== ''Caught in the Suck'' [1.08] ===

=== ''No Honesty in Men'' [1.09] ===

=== ''In Whom We Trust'' [1.10] ===

=== ''A Good Day's Work'' [1.11] ===

=== ''Wayward Sons'' [1.12] ===

=== ''You Never Can Win'' [1.13] ===

== Cast ==
* [[w:James Badge Dale|James Badge Dale]] - Will Travers
* [[w:Jessie Collins|Jessica Collins]] - Margaret &quot;Maggie&quot; Young
* Lauren Hodges - Tanya MacGaffin
* [[w:Dallas Roberts|Dallas Roberts]] - Miles Fiedler
* [[w:Christopher Evan Welch|Christopher Evan Welch]] - Grant Test
* [[w:Arliss Howard|Arliss Howard]] - Kale Ingram
* [[w:Miranda Richardson|Miranda Richardson]] - Katherine Rhumor
* [[w:Michael Cristofer|Michael Cristofer]] - Truxton Spangler
* [[w:Roger Robinson (actor)|Roger Robinson]] - Ed Bancroft
* [[w:Peter Gerety|Peter Gerety]] - David Hadas
* [[w:David Rasche|David Rasche]] - James Wheeler

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} 
* {{imdb title|id=1389371|title=Rubicon}}
* [http://www.amctv.com/shows/Rubicon Official site] 

[[Category:AMC shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Political drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American LGBT-related drama TV shows]]</text>
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    <title>The Outer Limits (1963 TV series)</title>
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'''''[[w:The Outer Limits (1963 TV series)|The Outer Limits]]''''' (1963-1965) was an American television anthology series, airing on ABC, that focused mainly on science fiction themes and often featured a twist ending.

== Opening and Closing ==
* '''Control Voice''': ''[introduction]'' There is nothing wrong with your television set. Do not attempt to adjust the picture. We are controlling transmission. If we wish to make it louder, we will bring up the volume. If we wish to make it softer, we will tune it to a whisper. We will control the horizontal. We will control the vertical. We can roll the image, make it flutter. We can change the focus to a soft blur, or sharpen it to crystal clarity. For the next hour, sit quietly and we will control all that you see and hear. We repeat: There is nothing wrong with your television set. You are about to participate in a great adventure. You are about to experience the awe and mystery which reaches from the inner mind to... The Outer Limits.

* '''Control Voice''': ''[sign-off]'' We now return control of your television set to you, until next week at this same time, when the Control Voice will take you to... The Outer Limits.

== Season 1 ==
=== ''[[w:The Galaxy Being|The Galaxy Being]]'' [1.01] ===
:'''Allan Maxwell''': The secrets of the universe don't mind. They reveal themselves to &quot;nobodies&quot; who care.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' The planet Earth is a speck of dust, remote and alone in the void. There are powers in the universe inscrutable and profound. Fear cannot save us. Rage cannot help us. We must see the stranger in a new light - the light of understanding. And to achieve this, we must begin to understand ourselves, and each other.

=== ''[[w:The Hundred Days of the Dragon|The Hundred Days of the Dragon]]'' [1.02] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' Somewhere south of the Mongolian border and north of the Tropic of Cancer, in that part of the world we call the Orient, a slumbering giant has shaken itself to wakefulness. Passed over in most histories as a nation forgotten by time, its close-packed millions in the short span of twenty years have been stirred to a fury by one man: Lee Ching Sung. A benevolent despot in his homeland, Sung stands as an irresponsible threat to peace in the eyes of the rest of the world. William Lyons Selby, candidate for the presidency of the United States, predicted by every poll, survey and primary to be a certain winner in the forthcoming election.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' To Theodore Pearson, not even so monstrous a crime as the assassination of William Lyons Selby justifies an act of war, because there is no war as we knew it, only annihilation. A great American has been killed in the service of his country. Now it is the job of those who continue to serve to carry on guarding our freedom with dignity and unrelenting vigilance.

=== ''[[w:The Architects of Fear|The Architects of Fear]]'' [1.03] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' Is this the day? Is this the beginning of the end? There is no time to wonder. No time to ask &quot;Why is it happening? Why is it finally happening?&quot; There is time only for fear, for the piercing pain of panic. Do we pray...or do we merely run now and pray later? Will there ''be'' a later...or is this the day?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gainer''': Now I don't care what reading of history you take. The pattern is always the same. Whenever a bacterium invasion strikes or a fire rages or a wild beast roams the streets. Then and only then do men stop fighting each other and work together to save themselves. A common enemy, a common fear. That is the only answer. If all the men of the Earth are threatened by an enemy from a hostile planet... well, gentlemen, we are going to create that enemy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' Scarecrows and magic and other fatal fears do not bring people closer together. There is no magic substitute for soft caring and hard work, for self-respect and mutual love. If we can learn this from the mistake these frightened men made, then their mistake will not have been merely grotesque. It will have been at least a lesson - a lesson at last to be learned.

=== ''[[w:The Man with the Power (The Outer Limits)|The Man With the Power]]'' [1.04] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' In the course of centuries, Man has devoured the Earth itself. The Machine Age has dried up the seas of oil. Industry has consumed the heartlands of coal. The Atomic Age has plundered the rare elements — uranium, cobalt, plutonium — leaving behind worthless deposits of lead and ashes. Starvation is at hand. Only here, in the void of space, is there a new source of atomic power. Above us, in the debris of the solar system, in the meteorites and asteroids, are the materials needed to drive the reactors. Yet in their distant, silent orbits, these chunks of matter are beyond the reach of man, beyond the reach of human hands, but not beyond the reach of human minds. Driving along a country road in an ordinary car is a modest man: Harold J. Finley, quiet and profound...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vera Finley''': You wouldn't hurt anyone even if you could. You're not a violent man. You've never hated anyone, never.
:'''Harold Finley''': Not to hurt them, no, Vera. But I have this power. It acts whether I want it to or not.
:'''Vera Finley''': No, Harold, you don't have any power. You've always been quiet. You told me yourself you're too mild, you're too weak.
:'''Harold Finley''': No more, Vera! I could split this ceiling open if I wanted to! I could crash down these walls. I could splinter this whole block into bricks and rubble.
:'''Vera Finley''': Harold, you're a little man, a nobody. You don't have any power.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' Deep beyond the kindest, gentlest soul may lurk violent thoughts, deadly wishes. Someday, Man will learn to cope with the monsters of the mind. Then, and only then, when the human mind is truly in control of itself, can we begin to utilize the great and hidden powers of the universe.

=== ''[[w:The Sixth Finger|The Sixth Finger]]'' [1.05] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' Where are we going? Life, the timeless, mysterious gift, is still evolving. What wonders, or terrors, does evolution hold in store for us in the next ten thousand years? In a million? In six million? Perhaps the answer lies in this old house in this old and misty valley...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwyllm''': The whole town must be utterly destroyed. An example must be made.
:'''Prof. Mathers''': You're wrong.
:'''Gwyllm''': The human race has a gift, professor. A gift that sets it above all the other creatures that abound upon this earth. The gift of thought, reasoning, understanding. The highly developed brain. But the human race has ceased to develop. It struggles for petty comfort and false security. There is no time for thought. Soon there will be no time for reasoning and man will lose sight of the truth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwyllm''': Don't be afraid. I came back because I knew you were here.
:'''Cathy''': What have you done.
:'''Gwyllm''': I was going to destroy everyone. Suddenly, it no longer mattered. I evolved beyond hatred or revenge, or even the desire for power. I feel myself reaching that stage in the dim future of mankind when the mind will cast off the hamperings of the flesh and become all thought and no matter. A vortex of pure intelligence and space. It is the goal of evolution. Man's final destiny is to become what he imagined in the beginning when he first learned the idea of the angels.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' An experiment too soon, too swift. And yet may we not still hope to discover a method by which within one generation, the whole human race could be rendered intelligent, beyond hatred, or revenge, or the desire for power? Is that not, after all, the ultimate goal of evolution?

=== ''[[w:The Man Who Was Never Born|The Man Who Was Never Born]]'' [1.06] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' Here, in the bright, clustered loneliness of the billion, billion stars, loneliness can be an exciting, voluntary thing, unlike the loneliness Man suffers on Earth. Here, deep in the starry nowhere, a man can be as one with space and time; preoccupied, yet not indifferent; anxious and yet at peace. His name is Joseph Reardon. He is, in this present year, thirty years old. This is the first time he has made this journey alone…

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andro''': ''[Decrying the present condition of mankind]'' But man was too busy, too busy going to the moon, too busy clubbing his brothers over the head with its new found toy, the atom, to anticipate and resist the parasite that was to suck out his right to immortality.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' It is said that if you move a single pebble on the beach, you set up a different pattern and everything in the world is changed. It can also be said that love can change the future, if it is deep enough, true enough and selfless enough. It can prevent a war, prohibit a plague, keep the whole world... whole.

=== ''[[w:O.B.I.T.|O.B.I.T.]]'' [1.07] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' In this room, twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, security personnel at the Defense Department's Cypress Hills Research Center keep constant watch on its scientists through O.B.I.T., a mysterious electronic device whose very existence was carefully kept from the public at large. And so it would have remained, but for the facts you are about to witness…

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lomax''': The machines are everywhere! Oh you'll find them all, you're a zealous people. And you'll make a great show of smashing a few of them, but for every one you destroy hundreds of others will be built. And they will demoralize you! Breaks your spirits! Create such rivets and tensions in your society that no one will be able to repair them! Oh, your a savage, despairing planet and when we come here to live you friendless, demoralized, flotsam will fall without even a single shot being fired. Senator, enjoy the few years left you, there is no answer...Your all the same. Dark persuasion! You demand, insist on knowing every private thought and hunger of everyone. Your families, your neighbors. Everyone! But, yourselves.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' Agents of the Justice Department are rounding up the machines now. But these machines, these inventions of another planet, have been cunningly conceived to prey on our most mortal weakness. In the last analysis, dear friends, whether O.B.I.T. lives up to its name or not will depend on you.

=== ''[[w:The Human Factor (1963 The Outer Limits)|The Human Factor]]'' [1.08] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' In northern Greenland, the mountains stand like a wall along Victoria Channel, whose straight course marks the line of the great Baffin Fault. Until recently, not even the Eskimos ventured into this arctic waste; but, today, as in other lonely places of the world, the land is dominated by those instruments of detection which stand as a grim reminder of Man's fear of Man. This is Point TABU, a name given this predominantly underground base by a young officer who explained that the letters in TABU stood for 'Total Abandonment of Better Understanding'. Some two hundred men and a few women make this their permanent residence. Their task is to maintain a constant alert against enemy attack, and be prepared to respond to it, devastatingly.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Major Roger Brothers''': ''[to Dr. James Hamilton]'' We live in a world of cowards, Dr. Hamilton. Every man is afraid of his brother, and most men try to hide from that awful fact. Even here, the men are afraid to see the evil that is here on this base. And they are responsible for it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' A weapon? No, only an instrument: neither good nor evil until men put it to use. And then like so many of man's inventions, it can be used either to save lives or destroy them, to make men sane or to drive them mad, to increase human understanding or to betray it. But it will be men that make the choice. By itself the instrument is nothing until you add the human factor.

=== ''[[w:Corpus Earthling|Corpus Earthling]]'' [1.09] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' Rocks: silent, inanimate objects torn from the Earth's ancient crust. Yielding up to man over the long centuries all that is in know of the planet on which we live withholding from man forever their veiled secrets of the nature of matter and cosmic catastrophe, the secrets of other worlds in the vastness of the universe, of other forms of life, of strange organisms beyond the imagination of man.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' Two black crystalline rocks: unclassifiable. Objects on the border between the living and the nonliving. A reminder of the thin line that separates the animate from the inanimate. Something to ponder on. Something to stay the hand when it reaches out innocently for the whitened pebble, the veined stone, the dead unmoving rocks of our planet.

=== ''[[w:Nightmare (1963 The Outer Limits)|Nightmare]]'' [1.10] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' A war between worlds has long been dreaded. Throughout recent history, Man, convinced that life on other planets would be as anxious and belligerent as life on his own, has gravely predicted that some dreadful form of combat would inevitably take place between our world and that of someone else. And Man was right. To the eternal credit of the peoples of this planet Earth, history shall be able to proclaim loudly and justly that in this war between Unified Earth and the planet Ebon, Ebon struck first. Ebon: Its form of life unknown, its way of life unpredictable. To the fighting troops of Earth, a black question mark at the end of a dark, foreboding journey.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stone''': There's no leniency for a traitor. None at all. He earned the death penalty all by himself. There's no reason why we should handle Major Jong any differently here than if he were down on Earth. I told you all before we were captured, the only laws we would have here were those we brought with us. We need those laws. Even the questionable ones, even the painful ones. We need them. They remind us that we were civilized enough to make them in the first place.
:'''Jong''': Or perhaps to remind us that we are not as civilized as we should be.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' The exploration of human behavior under simulated conditions of stress is a commonplace component of the machinery called war. So long as Man anticipates and prepares for combat, be it with neighboring nations or with our neighbors in space, these unreal games must be played, and there are only real men to play them. According to established military procedure, the results of the Ebon maneuvers will be recorded in books and fed into computers for the edification and enlightenment of all the strategists of the future. Perhaps they will learn something.

=== ''[[w:It Crawled Out of the Woodwork|It Crawled Out of the Woodwork]]'' [1.11] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' His name is Warren Edgar Morley. For the past six months, he has guarded this gate from eight in the morning until six at night, at which time he is replaced by another just like himself. These are the last few moments of his life.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' The [[w:Conservation of energy|Conservation of Energy Law]]... a principle which states that energy can be changed in form but that it cannot be either created or destroyed. And this is true of all energy... the energy of genius, of madness, of the heart, of the atom. And so it must be lived with. It must be controlled, channeled for good, held isolated from evil, and somehow lived with, peaceably.

=== ''[[w:The Borderland|The Borderland]]'' [1.12] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' The mind of man has always longed to know what lies beyond the world we live in. Explorers have ventured into the deeps and the heights. Of these explorers some are scientists, some are mystics. Each is driven by a different purpose. The one thing they share in common is a wish to cross the Borderlands that lie beyond the Outer Limits.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' There are worlds beyond and worlds within which the explorer must explore, but there is one power which seems to transcend space and time, life and death. It is a deeply human power which holds us safe and together when all other forces combine to tear us apart. We call it the power of love.

=== ''[[w:Tourist Attraction (The Outer Limits)|Tourist Attraction]]'' [1.13] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' In man's dark and troubled history, there are vestiges of strange Gods. This stone statue was once such a god a thousand years gone by in the central mountains of Pan-America. Today, new gods have emerged: the god of power, the god of money. The Republic of San Blas lies west of the Orinoco Basin, slightly north of the equator. Its principle exports are coffee, copra, mahogany, mace and saffron. In a hundred odd years, the reigns of government have changed many times in blood and fire and death. The last of these revolutions was led by General Juan Mecurio, the most absolute and powerful ruler of them all. Only the Indians who live close to old gods in the volcanic uplands are unimpressed. They have seen the coming of conquistadors with the power of their guns and flashing flags, the revolutionaries with the power of their zeal and willingness to die, the Americans with the power of their money and bulldozers with their summer houseboats in the crater lake of Ali Papa with their gadgets and machines and devices.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[Act One narration]'' Moving through the deep, protected only by a tank of air and a hunting spear, the scientist/explorer descends beyond the San Blas shelf; but, all unknown to him, the observer is, himself, observed. Hidden in the sinuous rills of seaweed, sightless eyes, blind for centuries, stare out of the abyss. The legendary creature of the deep, sensing through neuro-receptors in its skin, becomes aware of the alien invader - Man...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[Act Four narration]'' Stressed and strained by constant drilling of ultrasonic beams, the concrete face of the dam cracks and falls. Ten million tons of pressure build towards ultimate collapse...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' The forces of nature will not submit to injustice. No man has the right, nor will the checks and balances of the universe permit him to place his fellows under the harsh yoke of repression. Nor may he again place the forces of nature under the triple yoke of vanity, greed and ambition. In the words of Shelley, &quot;here lies your tyrant who would rule the world immortal&quot;.

=== ''[[w:The Zanti Misfits|The Zanti Misfits]]'' [1.14] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' Throughout history, compassionate minds have pondered the dark and disturbing question: what is society to do with those members who are a threat to society, those malcontents and misfits whose behavior undermines and destroys the foundations of civilization? Different ages have found different answers. Misfits have been burned, branded and banished. Today, on this planet Earth, the criminal is incarcerated in humane institutions.....or he is executed. Other planets use other methods. This is the story of how the perfectionist rulers of the planet Zanti attempted to solve the problem of the Zanti misfits.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hill''': Fifteen minutes is not a long time. In our conception of time. For them it could be long enough to conquer a world. When a country allows itself to be coerced, it has to suffer the consequences.
:'''Grave''': So far the only real consequence is uncertainty.
:'''Hill''': I've always felt that was one of the worst things a country could suffer.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' Throughout history, various societies have tried various methods of exterminating those members who have proven their inability or unwillingness to live sanely amongst their fellow men. The Zantis merely tried one more method, neither better nor worse than all the others. Neither more human nor less human than all others. Perhaps merely... non-human.

=== ''[[w:The Mice (The Outer Limits)|The Mice]]'' [1.15] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' In dreams, some of us walk the stars. In dreams, some of us ride the whelming brine of space, where every port is a shining one, and none are beyond our reach. Some of us, in dreams, cannot reach beyond the walls of our own little sleep.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' Hunger frightens and hurts, and it has many faces, and every man must sometimes face the terror of one of them. Wouldn't it seem that a misery known and understood by all men would lead Man not to deception and murder, but to faith, and hope, and love?

=== ''[[w:Controlled Experiment|Controlled Experiment]]'' [1.16] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' Who has not seen the dark corners of great cities, whose small and shabby creatures wander without purpose in the secret corners of the night? Without purpose? There are those whose purpose reaches far beyond our wildest dreams.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' Who knows? Perhaps the alteration of one small event may someday bring about the end of the world. But that someday is a long way off, and until then there is a good life to be lived in the here and now.

=== ''[[w:Don't Open Till Doomsday|Don't Open Till Doomsday]]'' [1.17] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' The greatness of evil lies in its awful accuracy. Without that deadly talent for being in the right place at the right time evil must suffer defeat. For unlike its opposite good, evil is allowed no human failings, no miscalculations. Evil must be perfect or depend upon the imperfections of others.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' Without that deadly talent for being in the right place at the right time evil must suffer defeat, and with each defeat doomsday is postponed for at least one more day.

=== ''[[w:ZZZZZ|ZZZZZ]]'' [1.18] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' Human life strives ceaselessly to perfect itself, to gain ascendancy. But what of the lower forms of life? Is it not possible that they, too, are conducting experiments and are at this moment on the threshold of deadly success?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' When the yearning to gain ascendancy takes the form of a soulless, loveless struggle, the contest must end in unlovely defeat. For without love, drones can never be men, and men can only be drones.

=== ''[[w:The Invisibles (The Outer Limits)|The Invisibles]]'' [1.19] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' You do not know these men. You may have looked at them, but you did not see them. They are newspapers blowing down a gutter on a windy night. For reasons both sociological and psychological, these three have never joined or been invited to join society. They have never experienced love or friendship, or formed any lasting or constructive relationship, but today, at last, they will become a part of something. They will belong. They will come a little closer to their unrealistic dreams of power and glory. Today, finally they will join th... I almost said the human race, and that would have been a half-truth, for the race they are joining today is only half human.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Larry Hillerman''': ''[to his new recruits]'' Welcome, gentlemen. The society which you have voluntarily joined is called &quot;The Invisibles.&quot; It is subversive and illegal. It is also powerful and large and it is ready. When the invisibles have become the masters of everyone and everything on this planet, you, the vanguard of this virile and violent inevitability, will sit so high that mankind will come to recognize you by the lines in the soles of your feet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' You do not know these men. You may have looked at them, but you did not see them. They are the wind that blows newspapers down a gutter on a windy night and sweeps the gutter clean.

=== ''[[w:The Bellero Shield|The Bellero Shield]]'' [1.20] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' There is a passion in the human heart which is called aspiration. It flares with a noble flame and by its light, Man has traveled from the caves of darkness to the darkness of outer space. But when this passion becomes lust, when its flame is fanned by greed and private hunger, then aspiration becomes ambition, by which sin the angels fell.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Richard Bellero, Sr.''': ''[Arguing with Judith Bellero]'' I spend every hour, every dollar, and every dream developing men and means that are devoted to the prevention of war. That says how much I hate war! And yet I am not sickened or enraged, even by war, as I am by a single soul like yours. Your ambition is singularly the most active form of violence I have ever encountered!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' When this passion called aspiration becomes lust, then aspiration degenerates, becomes vulgar ambition, by which sin the angels fell.

=== ''[[w:The Children of Spider County|The Children of Spider County]]'' [1.21] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' In light of today's growing anxieties it has become more absolute that the wealth of nations consists in the number of superior men that it harbors. It is therefore a matter of deep concern, and deeper consequence, when four of the most magnificent and promising young minds in the country suddenly disappear off the face of the Earth...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' The wealth of nations, of a world, consists in the number of superior men that it harbors, and often it seems that these men are too different, too dreaming. And often, because they are driven by powers and dreams strange to us, they are driven away by us. But are they really so different? Are they not, after all, held by the same things that hold us, by strong love and soft hands?

=== ''[[w:Specimen: Unknown|Specimen: Unknown]]'' [1.22] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' For centuries, Man has looked to the skies and sought to uncover the mystery of the universe. The telescope brought into focus the craters on the moon and the canals on Mars, but it was limited and Man's insistent hunger for knowledge and experience would not be satisfied until he broke the massive chains of gravity and set foot himself on a planet other than his own. Project Mercury was his first venture into space, a testament to his technical ingenuity and courage, a green light to a hundred other projects which would take him still further. This is Project Adonis. A laboratory orbiting a thousand miles above the earth, a tiny far flung world connected only by radio and memory, and inhabited by a handful of men dedicated to removing the unknown for future space travelers. At ten minutes after six, on January 8th, Lieutenant Rubert Howard stumbled upon something clinging to the wall of the space lock that appeared alive. He called them space barnacles for temporary identification. They were not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' There are many things up there. Evil and hungry, awesome and splendid. And gentle things, too. Merciful things... like rain.

=== ''[[w:Second Chance (The Outer Limits)|Second Chance]]'' [1.23] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' When fear is too terrible, when reality is too agonizing, we seek escape in manufactured danger, in the thrills and pleasures of pretending... in the amusement parks of our unamusing world. Here, in frantic pretending, Man finds escape and temporary peace, and goes home tired enough to sleep a short, deep sleep. But what happens here when night comes? When pretending ends, and reality begins?

=== ''[[w:Moonstone (The Outer Limits)|Moonstone]]'' [1.24] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' In Man's conquest of space, his own moon must be the first to surrender. From there he will step his way across the heavens to the edge of infinity. Each step will be as uncertain as the last, yet each will bring him closer to ultimate truth... Lunar Expedition One: Here a handful of brave scientists and technicians pave the way to the future. Their mission: to collect information that will eventually enable Man to inhabit the Moon; to use the Moon as a springboard to the stars. Once during each twenty-four hour period, a force of three, commanded by General Lee Stocker and including Lieutenant Travers and Major Clint Anderson, makes its slow, uncharted way across the lunar surface, a surface whose depths and desires are, as yet, unprobed...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' The steps man takes across the heavens of his universe are as uncertain as the steps he takes across the rooms of his own life and yet if he walks with an open mind, these steps must lead him eventually to that most perfect of all destinations, truth.

=== ''[[w:The Mutant|The Mutant]]'' [1.25] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' At this very moment, our horizon is menaced by two explosive forces both man-made: one is a deadly wonder, the other wondrously alive. Both forces have compelled man to reach out for worlds beyond his own, new worlds where he may find peace and room to grow. This is the first of those new worlds. The United Nations of Earth have claimed it and called it Annex One. It is almost identical to Earth, except that there is no night. Sunlight is constant. Early reports from the small expeditionary team stationed on Annex One indicated that the ancient planet appeared to be suitable for colonization by Earth's overflowing population, but the most recent reports have contained unspoken, oddly disturbing undercurrents. And the United Space Agency has decided to investigate. The man chosen: Dr. Evan Marshall, psychiatrist.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' The forces of violence and the forces of nature compel Man to reach out toward new horizons where peace and sanity may flourish, where there is room to grow. But before we run, should we not first make certain that we have done all that can be done here to end madness, quiet the disturbers of peace, and make room for those who need so little room to grow in?

=== ''[[w:The Guests (The Outer Limits)|The Guests]]'' [1.26] ===

=== ''[[w:Fun and Games (The Outer Limits)|Fun and Games]]'' [1.27] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' There was a moment in time when those who were brilliant and powerful also were playful, and when they took recess from their exhausting and magnificent strides toward glory, they replenished their darker passions with fun and games. On the planet Earth, such pastimes have been civilized and drained of all but their last few drops of blood.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Laura''': You said you'd explain.
:'''The Senator''': When civilized creatures have conquered all that they believe to be worth conquering, then one conquest remains. One elusive conquest. Pleasure. Here on Andera, we are finished with warring, and plundering is done. Our citizens enjoy self-respect, peace, and affluence. But a high order of civilization does not lift the low order of passion. And so such passions must be both appeased and controlled.

=== ''[[w:The Special One (The Outer Limits)|The Special One]]'' [1.28] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' The mold of a man stems from the mind of a child. Educators and emperors have known this from time immemorial. So have tyrants.

=== ''[[w:A Feasibility Study|A Feasibility Study]]'' [1.29] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' The planet Luminos: a minor planet, sultry and simmering, incapacitated. Earth scientists have concluded that there could be no life on Luminos, that it is too close to its own sun, that its inhabitants would be victimized by their own blinding atmosphere. But there is life on Luminos, life that should resemble ours, but doesn't, desperate life suffering of great and terrible need. The Luminoids have begun to search the universe in an effort to gratify that need. They seek a planet on which life is healthy, vibrant, strong and mobile. They need such people: to do their work, to labor and slave for them, to manufacture their splendored dreams. The Luminoids need slaves and they have chosen the planet off which their slaves will be abducted. Not too many at first... a neighborhood perhaps... a neighborhood like mine, or yours. Those who will be abducted sleep in dreamy ignorance, unaware that they are about to become the subjects of a grotesque and sophisticated experiment: a feasibility study.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' &quot;Do not enter upon or cross this area. Do not touch or remove possibly radioactive dirt or rocks. If you have any knowledge concerning this disappearance, please contact your nearest police department.&quot; It could have happened to any neighborhood. Had those who lived in this one been less human, less brave, it would have happened to all the neighborhoods of the Earth. Feasibility study ended. Abduction of human race: infeasible.

=== ''[[w:The Production and Decay of Strange Particles|The Production and Decay of Strange Particles]]'' [1.30] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' In recent years, nuclear physicists have discovered a strange world of sub-atomic particles, fragments of atoms smaller than the imagination can picture, fragments of materials which do not obey the laws of gravity. Antimatter composed of inside-out material; shadow-matter that can penetrate ten miles of lead shielding. Hidden deep in the heart of strange new elements are secrets beyond human understanding-new powers, new dimensions, worlds within worlds, unknown.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' As Man explores the secrets of the universe, strange and inscrutable powers await him. And whether these powers are to become forces of destruction or forces of construction will ultimately depend upon simple but profound human qualities: Inspiration. Integrity. Courage.

=== ''[[w:The Chameleon (The Outer Limits)|The Chameleon]]'' [1.31] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' The race of Man is known for its mutability. We can change our moods, our faces, our lives to suit whatever situation confronts us. Adapt and survive. Even among the most changeable of living things, Man is quicksilver-more chameleon-like than the chameleon, determined to survive, no matter what the cost to others... or to himself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mace''': I don't think you understand me, General. I'm not interested in becoming a hero. Nor do I have an overdeveloped sense of duty. I'm doing this because I'm nothing more than an instrument for action. Mr. Chambers knows that also. Between missions, I cease to exist. I am what I've done, and that's not always very pretty. But being ugly is better than being nothing. I have no one, I care for no one, and I'm cared for by no one. So all I have is what I can do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' A man's survival can take many shapes and the shape in which a man finds his humanity is not always a human one.

=== ''[[w:The Forms of Things Unknown|The Forms of Things Unknown]]'' [1.32] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' There is a fear that is unlike all other fears. It has a special, clammy chill, a deadly gift for inspiring deeper, darker dread. It is the fear of unentered rooms, of bends in lonely roads. It is the fear of the phone call in the middle of the night, of the stranger you recognize, perhaps from a nightmare. It is the fear of the unexpected, the unfamiliar. It is the fear of the unknown.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' Murder, madness, and other lurking horrors are the raw certainties that await you in the depths of the unknown. And no switch of time, no twist of plan can cancel your meeting with it. For some night, in some blind panic, you will venture into the world of dark reality. And on that night, you will keep your rendezvous with the unknown.

== Season 2 ==
=== ''[[w:Soldier (The Outer Limits)|Soldier]]'' [2.01] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' Night comes too soon on the battlefield. For some men it comes permanently, their eyes never open to the light of day. But for this man, fighting this war, there is never total darkness. The spidery beams of light in the sky are the descendants of the modern laser beam -- heat rays that sear through tungsten, steel and flesh as though they were cheesecloth. And this soldier must go against those weapons. His name is Qarlo, and he is a foot soldier, the ultimate infantryman. Trained from birth by the state, he has never known love, or closeness, or warmth. He is geared for only one purpose: to kill the enemy. And the enemy waits for him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[Act One narration]'' Time is fluid. The waters of forever close — and passage may not be completed. The present and the future are for a moment united. And the Enemy, half-today, half-tomorrow, is locked between…

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' From the darkest of all pits, from the soul of man, come the darkest questions. Did the soldier finally come to care for those he protected? Or was it just his instinct? Questions from the dark pit, but no answers, for answers lie in the future. Is it a future in which men are machines born to kill? Or is there time for us? Time. All the time in the world. But is that enough?

=== ''[[w:Cold Hands, Warm Heart|Cold Hands]]'' [2.02] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' The most brilliant planet in our solar system is Venus, named for the Greek Love-Goddess. It is closer to Earth than any other planet — twenty-eight million miles away. Until sometime in the last half of the twentieth century it is still a planet shrouded in mystery, enveloped in a heavy blanket of clouds and steam. Because its surface temperature was believed to be several times that of Earth's, it was not thought possible for Man to reach Venus and come back... until one day, somebody did it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jeff Barton''': ''[to his wife]'' I love you more than anything in this world... You're the only &quot;world&quot; I can discover over and over again, every time I come home to you, every time I'm close to you. You're the best of all possible worlds.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' The eternal, never-ceasing search for knowledge often leads to dark and dangerous places. Sometimes it demands risks not only of those who are searching, but of others who love them. These, in their own special way, know that knowledge is never wasted, nor is love.

=== ''[[w:Behold, Eck!|Behold, Eck!]]'' [2.03] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' Since the first living thing gazed upward through the darkness, man has seldom been content merely to be born, to endure, and to die. With a curious fervor he has struggled to unlock the mysteries of creation and of the world in which he lives. Sometimes he has won. Sometimes he has lost. And sometimes, in the tumbling torrents of space and time, he has brief glimpses of a world he never even dreams.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' Paradoxically, man's endless search for knowledge has often plundered his courage and warped his vision, so that he has faced the unknown with terror rather than awe, and probed the darkness with a scream rather than a light. Yet there have always been men who have touched the texture of tomorrow with understanding and courage. Through these men, we may yet touch the stars.

=== ''[[w:Expanding Human|Expanding Human]]'' [2.04] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' As far back as men have recorded their history, veils have been lowered to disclose a vast new reality — rents in the fabric of Man's awareness. And somewhere, in the endless search of the curious mind, lies the next vision, the next key to his infinite capacity...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''': What difference does it make, whether it's 20 minutes or 20 years, since neither amounts to the faintest echo of the tiniest whisper in the thunder of time?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''': But don't you see, you'll be doing exactly what you say your fighting: killing. Using force because your certain your right.
:'''Roy''': But it wouldn't be the same thing because we'd be advocating nothing, forcing nothing. Now there are many stong men in the world today fighting for tolerance, compassion, wisdom, for your right to be different, to be wrong even. They wouldn't be touched. Only the dogmatists, the infallible.
:'''Peter''': But that's trying to play God. You just can't do that.
:'''Roy''': Why not if God's too busy? Who to say its not his will, that we're not his agents?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' Some success, some failure, but either way the gnawing hunger to know is never sated, and the road to the unknown continues to be dark and strange.

=== ''[[w:Demon With A Glass Hand|Demon With A Glass Hand]]'' [2.05] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' Through all the legends of ancient peoples&amp;nbsp;— [[w:Assyria|Assyria]]n, [[w:Babylonia|Babylonia]]n, [[w:Sumer|Sumer]]ican, [[w:Semitic|Semetic]]&amp;nbsp;— runs the saga of the Eternal Man, the one who never dies, called by various names in various times, but historically known as [[w:Gilgamesh|Gilgamesh]], the man who has never tasted death&amp;nbsp;... the hero who strides through the centuries&amp;nbsp;...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Battle''': I'm prepared to die.
:'''Trent''': How prepared? Why not give yourself a couple of minutes?
:'''Battle''': We all knew we would die when we came on this mission. It was worth it.
:'''Trent''': You can stay alive in this time.
:'''Battle''': I don't care about that. Helping my race is more important.
:'''Trent''': Bargain week on patriots.
:'''Battle''': Call it what you like. I'm not afraid to die.
:'''Trent''': Really? Then why are you whispering? You Kyben were always super patriots, especially when you bombed Earth from ten miles out. How does your patriotism sit with burning women and children alive?
:'''Battle''': That's war.
:'''Trent''': So's this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' Like the Eternal Man of Babylonian legend, like [[w:Gilgamesh|Gilgamesh]], one thousand plus two hundred years stretches before Trent. Without love. Without friendship. Alone: neither man nor machine, waiting. Waiting for the day he will be called to free the humans who gave him mobility. Movement, but not life.

=== ''[[w:Cry of Silence|Cry of Silence]]'' [2.06] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' In the not-distant future, the sound of man will invade those unknown depths of space which as yet we cannot even imagine. In his own world, there are no places left beyond the reach of his voice. His neighbor is no longer just next door, but anywhere at the end of a wire. And it all began when prehistoric man discovered the art of communication.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' 'And the light shineth in the darkness and the darkness comprehended it not.' The sound of man probes the dimensionless range of space seeking an answer. But if it comes, will he hear? Will he listen? Will he comprehend?

=== ''[[w:The Invisible Enemy (The Outer Limits)|The Invisible Enemy]]'' [2.07] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' In the vast immensities of cosmic space, bold adventurers streak their way to join battle with strange enemies on strange worlds. The alien, the unknown, perhaps even the invisible, armed only with Man's earthbound knowledge...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' Battle joined. Casualties? Yes. Resolution? Victory, of a sort. A painful step from the crib of destiny. On another day, a friend, perhaps, instead of a deadly peril. Part of the saga of the Space Pioneers.

=== ''[[w:Wolf 359 (The Outer Limits)|Wolf 359]]'' [2.08] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' Outward stretches the quest for truth. Stars without end. Timeless infinities. A billion billion galaxies. Man's imagination reaches out and out while betimes the farthest reaches of knowledge are found in the smallest places...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonathan Meridith''': Final report, Dundee Planet, star system Wolf 359. The experiment is finished. My planet is destroyed. My recommendation to the Dundee Foundation change the planet selected. Its not a place we can land our spacemen, but the project is feasible. A planet can be recreated in a laboratory. The odds are... the odds are, Mr Dundee, the next time... the next time, it'll be a place of some love and warmth like our planet Earth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' There is a theory that Earth and sun and galaxy and all the known universes are only a dust mite on some policeman's uniform in some gigantic super-world. Couldn't we be under some super-microscope... right now?

=== ''[[w:I, Robot (1964 The Outer Limits)|I, Robot]]'' [2.09] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' God looked upon his world and called it good. But man was not content. He looked for ways to make it better and built machines to do the work. But in vain we build the world, unless the builder also grows.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' Out of every disaster a little progress is made. Man will build more robots and learn how to make them better. And, given enough time, he may learn how to do the same for himself.

=== ''[[w:The Inheritors (The Outer Limits)|The Inheritors]]'' (Part 1) [2.10] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' In the troubled places of the world, the devil's hunter finds rare game. For man-made savagery is only the instrument for a secret terror stirring from its dark place of ambush...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' Man looks up at the stars and dreams his futile dreams. Child of the universe, his toys are ignorance. His games: fantasy. Not even the master of his own fate, it is the devil's puppeteer who stretches his fingers to answer the question: What will happen next?

=== ''[[w:The Inheritors (The Outer Limits)|The Inheritors]]'' (Part 2) [2.11] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' The earth, tumbling grain of sand in the darkness of unending space, plays host to a strange and awful guest: unsought, uninvited, possessor of fearsome power, purveyor of dark deed, a relentless traveler on the road to its mysterious goal...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' The Inheritors are on their way. In a universe of billions of stars, there are places of love and happiness. On this earth, in this spot, magic settled for a moment, wonder touched a few lives and a few odd pieces fell smoothly into the jigsaw of creation.

=== ''[[w:Keeper of the Purple Twilight|Keeper of the Purple Twilight]]'' [2.12] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' There is no limit to the extension of the curious mind. It reaches to the end of the imagination, then beyond into the mysteries of dreams, hoping always to convert even the dreams into reality for the greater well-being of all mankind.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' The curious mind cannot be chained. It is a free mind endlessly searching for the greater freedom that must eventually make every living being joyfully complete within himself, therefore at peace with himself and his neighbors.

=== ''[[w:The Duplicate Man|The Duplicate Man]]'' [2.13] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' Since the first day that Man stared up at the stars and saw other worlds, there has been no more haunting question than this: What will we find there? Will there be other creatures and will they be like us? Or when that ancient dream comes true, will it turn into a nightmare? Will we find on some distant frozen planet an alien life of unimaginable horror?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' In all the universe, can there be creatures more strange than the species called Man? He creates and destroys. He fumbles and makes mistakes. But the thing which distinguishes him is his ability to learn from his mistakes.

=== ''[[w:Counterweight (The Outer Limits)|Counterweight]]'' [2.14] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' The great unknown: limitless heavens crowded with sparking mysteries, challenging man's curiosity. But the heavens are not oceans. Man cannot push a boat into its currents and set sail for the next horizon. The heavens are a mystery only science can solve as it penetrates the unknown.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harvey Branson''': The greatest danger? I don't know, there's so many. Maybe the worst are the ones we make for ourselves by seeing things that don't exist except in our own imagination.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' Panic button pressed. Passengers returned. One side always in the sunlight, the other always in darkness; the known and the unknown. Frightening to each other only when they are both unknown... and misunderstood.

=== ''[[w:The Brain of Colonel Barham|The Brain of Colonel Barham]]'' [2.15] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' With the world growing more crowded, the great powers strive to conquer other planets. The race is on. The interplanetary sea has been charted; the first caravelle of space is being constructed. Who will get there first? Who will be the new Columbus?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' Progress goes on. One experiment fails, but even out of failure, valuable lessons are learned. A way will be found, someday, somehow. It always is.

=== ''[[w:The Premonition (The Outer Limits)|The Premonition]]'' [2.16] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' On the fabulous spawning grounds of man's ever increasing knowledge of science and technology, ancient half-forgotten legends seemingly have no place. Except one: the legend of the Gordian knot. A knot so intricate and convoluted that no man could untie it, for there are problems so perplexing that they're seemingly impossible to solve when man ventures to the outer limits of his experience.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' Man is forever solving the most perplexing problems as he ventures ever further into the unknown. But where are the outer limits of his ingenuity? Will he ever encounter a problem, a gordian knot which he cannot ultimately cut?

=== ''[[w:The Probe|The Probe]]'' [2.17] ===
:'''Control Voice''': ''[opening narration]'' The persistence of Man's curiosity led him into new worlds. Without conquering his own, he invaded the sub-world of the microscope and the outer-world of space. It is said turnabout is fair play... but is it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Control Voice''': ''[closing narration]'' A few days, a week, a month, will the earth be visited by a stranger from the universe? A warm, compassionate stranger to tell us of wonders beyond imagination, of life beyond comprehension, of secrets from the treasure house of stars.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} 
* {{imdb title|0056777|The Outer Limits}}

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    <title>Fargo (TV series)</title>
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'''''[[w:Fargo (TV series)|Fargo]]''''' is a television series by FX. The show is inspired and based on the 1996 [[Fargo (film)|film of the same name]]. Season 1 takes place in 2006 in Bemidji, Minnesota, while Season 2 takes place in 1979 in Luverne, Minnesota, and Season 3 takes place in 2010 in Eden Valley, Minnesota. Each season has its own plot and cast of characters.  

== Season 1 ==
=== ''The Crocodile's Dilemma'' [1.01] ===
:'''Lorne Malvo''': Mister, we're not friends. I mean, maybe we will be someday. But I gotta say, if that were me in your position? I would have killed that man.
:'''Lester Nygaard''': Well, now... Come on.
:'''Lorne Malvo''': You said he bullied you in high school, right?
:'''Lester Nygaard''': Four years. Gave me an ulcer. You know what, one time, he put me in an oil barrel and rolled me in the road.
:'''Lorne Malvo''': Seriously? And now he tells you that he had relations with your wife. He bullies you again in front of his children. This is a man who doesn't deserve to draw breath.
:'''Lester Nygaard''': Yeah, okay, but, uh - Here's the thing -
:'''Lorne Malvo''': No. That is the thing.
:'''Lester Nygaard''': Well, heck! I mean, oh, okay.
:'''Lorne Malvo''': Okay.
:'''Lester Nygaard''': But... What am I supposed to do? Heck, you're so sure about it, maybe you should just kill him for me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vern Thurman''': You'll make a good chief one day.
:'''Molly Solverson''': Me? What about Bill? He's got seniority.
:'''Vern Thurman''': Bill cleans his gun with bubble bath. No, it'll be you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorne Malvo''': Your problem is you spent your whole life thinking there are rules. ''There aren't''. We used to be gorillas. All we had is what we could take and defend. The truth is, you're more of a man today than you were yesterday.
:'''Lester Nygaard''': How do you figure? 
:'''Lorne Malvo''': It's a red tide, Lester, this life of ours. The shit they make us eat day after day, the boss, the wife, et cetera, wearing us down. If you don't stand up to it, let 'em know you're still an ape deep down where it counts, you're just gonna get washed away.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorne Malvo''': Evening, Officer.
:'''Gus Grimly''': Evening. License and registration, please.
:'''Lorne Malvo''': We could do it that way. You ask me for my papers. I tell you it's not my car, that I borrowed it. See where things go from there. We could do that. Or you could go get in your car and drive away.
:'''Gus Grimly''': Now, why would I do that? 
:'''Lorne Malvo''': Because some roads you shouldn't go down. Because maps used to say, &quot;there be dragons here.&quot; Now they don't. But that don't mean the dragons aren't there.
:''[tense pause]''
:'''Greta Grimly''': ''[over the radio]'' Dad. Come in, Dad. Over.
:'''Gus Grimly''': ''[to Malvo]'' You step out of the car, please, sir.
:'''Lorne Malvo''': How old's your kid?
:'''Gus Grimly''': I said step out of the car.
:'''Greta Grimly''': Dad, come in. Dad, over.
:'''Lorne Malvo''': Let me tell you what's gonna happen, Officer Grimly. I'm going to roll my window up, then I'm going to drive away, and you're gonna go home to your daughter, and every few years, you're gonna look at her face and know that you're alive because you chose not to go down a certain road on a certain night. That you chose to walk into the light instead of into the darkness.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lou Solverson''': So I got two kinds of sandwiches, tuna and turkey. Tuna's for the fish. Unless you think they'd think that's cannibalism.

=== ''The Rooster Prince '' [1.02] ===

:'''Postal Worker''': This is highly irregular.
:'''Lorne Malvo''': No, highly irregular is the time I found a human foot in a toaster oven. This is just odd.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stavros Milos''': You're looking at the Supermarket King Of Minnesota, la mercado rey. And it all started right here in this office. Next quarter, we're expanding into Wisconsin and the Dakotas. By this time next year, rule the whole goddamn midwest. You see my mangos? Straight from Ecuador, kiwis too. That's what makes my stores so goddamn superior. I got mangos in goddamn January. And the back of a 90-year-old woman.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorne Malvo''': This is kind of embarrassing, but, uh, would you sign a copy of my book?
:'''Stavros Milos''': I'd be delighted. You--you want something personal?
:'''Lorne Malvo''': Yeah, could you put &quot;To Frank Peterson, thanks for nailing my blackmailer&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gus Grimly''': Well, you know, sometimes there's more than one right thing.
:'''Greta Grimly''': What does that mean?
:'''Gus Grimly''': It means I got you, and I am responsible for you, and sometimes I might be in a situation where-- and this hasn't happened, and it won't-- but a situation where if I try to stop a guy From doing a bad thing, I could get hurt. Or worse. And then who would take care of you?
:'''Greta Grimly''': But it's your job.
:'''Gus Grimly''': Well, I got two jobs, and the first, the most important, is being your dad.
:'''Greta Grimly''': Well, if I saw somebody doing something, I would stop 'em.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lou Solverson''': Not sure if you remember, but when you were five, they had to put you under anesthesia to fix your teeth. Gave you that mask.
:'''Molly Solverson''': Hmm. Gas that smelled like tutti frutti.
:'''Lou Solverson''': Yeah. My soft little girl in a hard world of drills and needles.
:'''Molly Solverson''': I'm 31, Dad. I carry a gun.
:'''Lou Solverson''': I know. But it's relative, you know? There's the kind of things a schoolteacher gets exposed to--truancy and the like-- and then there's the stuff a cop sees-- murder and violence and general scofflawery. And then there's the kind of deal you're looking at now.
:'''Molly Solverson''': Which is? 
:'''Lou Solverson''': Which is, if I'm right...savagery, pure and simple. Slaughter, hatred. Devils with dead eyes and shark smiles. And one day, you're gonna get married and have kids, and when you look at them, their faces, you need to see what's good in the world, 'cause if you don't, how you gonna live?
:'''Molly Solverson''': You talk a lot, you know that? 
:'''Lou Solverson''': It's always been a problem.

=== ''A Muddy Road'' [1.03] ===

:'''Gina Hess''': Now here I am, stuck in the Yukon with my two mongoloid sons.
:'''Lester Nygaard''': Oh, they're not so bad.
:'''Gina Hess''': I've taken shits I want to live with more than them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Calamity Joe''': A Zombie kit... shotgun, machete, some Bactine. It's a side business. I make up these knapsacks for the Zombie Apocalypse. You know... in case the dead come back to life and world gets all &quot;dog-eat-dog.&quot;
:'''Lorne Malvo''': It's already &quot;dog-eat-dog,&quot; friend. Not sure what worse a bunch of zombies could do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stavros Milos''': A million dollars? He killed my damn dog and now he wants a million dollars? &quot;Eat a turd&quot; is my response.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stavros Milos''': Saint Lawrence. Patron saint of hard asses. Burned alive by the Romans. You know what he said? &quot;Turn me over. I'm done on this side.&quot; That's a goddamn saint.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Molly Solverson''': Hey, you ever heard of a spider layin' eggs in a person's neck?
:'''Greta Grimly''': What's that now?
:'''Molly Solverson''': Friend of mine said it happened to a friend of hers.
:'''Greta Grimly''': Gross.
:'''Molly Solverson''': Yeah. Said they were He was sleepin', and all these baby spiders just ran right out. Not sure I want to live in a world where something like that can happen to a person.

=== ''Eating the Blame'' [1.04] ===

:'''Gus Grimly''': How do you do that, just lie like that?
:'''Lorne Malvo''': Did you know the human eye can see more shades of green than any other color? 
:'''Gus Grimly''': What? 
:'''Lorne Malvo''': I said, &quot;Did you know that the human eye can see more shades of green than any other color?&quot; My question for you is, why? 
:'''Gus Grimly''': No, no, no, just h-hold on.
:'''Lorne Malvo''': When you figure out the answer to my question, then you'll have the answer to yours.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Molly Solverson''': What happened?
:'''Gus Grimly''': Well, they, uh-- they let him go, Malvo.Yeah, he had an alibi, it checked out, but it's him.
:'''Molly Solverson''': How do you know?
:'''Gus Grimly''': 'Cause I said the name Lorne Malvo, and he stopped, and he looked at me real funny. And then he said, like, a riddle.
:'''Molly Solverson''': What's that about a riddle?
:'''Gus Grimly''': Like, um, how come the human eye can see more shades of green than any other color? 
:'''Molly Solverson''': 'Cause of predators. Used to be, we were monkeys, right? And in the woods, in the jungle, everything's green. So, in order to not get eaten by panthers and bears and the like, we had to be able to see them, you know, in the grass and trees and such. Predators.

=== ''The Six Ungraspables'' [1.05] ===

:'''Stavros Milos''': We're only as good as the promises we keep.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ari Ziskind''': A rich man opens the paper one day. He sees the world is full of misery. He says, &quot;I have money. I can help.&quot; So he gives away all of his money. But it's not enough. The people are still suffering. One day, the man sees another article. He decides he was foolish to think just giving money was enough. So he goes to the doctor and says, &quot;Doctor, I want to donate a kidney.&quot; The doctors do the surgery. It's a complete success. After, he knows he should feel good, but he doesn't, for people are still suffering. So he goes back to the doctor. He says, &quot;Doctor, this time I want to give it all.&quot; The doctor says, &quot;What does that mean, 'Give it all'?&quot; He says, &quot;This time I want to donate my liver. But not just my liver. I want to donate my heart, but not just my heart. I want to donate my corneas, but not just my corneas. I want to give it all away. Everything I am. All that I have.&quot; The doctor says, &quot;A kidney is one thing, but you can't give away your whole body piece by piece. That's suicide.&quot; And he sends the man home. But the man cannot live knowing that the people are suffering and he could help. So he gives the one thing he has left: his life.
:'''Gus Grimly''': And does it work? Does it stop the suffering?
:'''Ari Ziskind''': You live in the world. What do you think? 
:'''Gus Grimly''': So he killed himself for nothing?
:'''Ari Ziskind''': Did he?
:'''Gus Grimly''': Well, I mean... what are you saying?
:'''Ari Ziskind''': Only a fool thinks he can solve the world's problems.
:'''Gus Grimly''': Yeah, but you gotta try, don't you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorne Malvo''': It was the Romans, wasn't it?
:'''Stavros Milos''': What are you saying?
:'''Lorne Malvo''': St. Lawrence, your window, Romans burned him alive.
:'''Stavros Milos''': They did.
:'''Lorne Malvo''': You know why?
:'''Stavros Milos''': Cause he was Christian.
:'''Lorne Malvo''': Maybe. But I think it was because the Romans were raised by wolves. The greatest empire in human history, founded by wolves. You know what wolves do. They hunt. They kill. It's why I never bought into the jungle book. Boy is raised by wolves and becomes friends with a bear and panther. I don't think so. I knew a guy once, had a hundred and ten pound Rottweiler, and one night this girl thought it would be funny to get down on all fours and let the dog hump her. Dog still had its balls. Well the dog gets up there, but he's not in on the joke. This is just a bitch in heat as far as he's concerned. He's not leaving til he gets what he came for. Well the girl, too late, realizes the kind of mistake she's made. She wants to get up. But the dog had other ideas. Had to shoot it behind the ear to get it off of her.
:'''Stavros Milos''': I don't uh... I don't...
:'''Lorne Malvo''': Well, I'm saying that the Romans raised by wolves, they see a guy turning water into wine, what do they do? They eat him. 'Cause there are no saints in the animal kingdom. Only breakfast and dinner.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ari Ziskind''': This is a community. People watch each other's backs. Someone gets sick, someone dies, you bring a casserole, help.
:'''Lorne Malvo''': Maybe I'm here to help.
:'''Ari Ziskind''': No, you have black eyes. You're trouble. I'm going inside, and I'm calling the cops.
:'''Lorne Malvo''': Which building? The one with the Jew bus outside?
:'''Ari Ziskind''': There it is. Now the truth comes out.
:'''Lorne Malvo''': You know, some people think you don't need alarms on second-story windows. Think they can save a few bucks, you know, and still be safe. Another way they save money is they don't hook up the alarm to the phone line. So the bell rings, but the cops don't come. Or they come, but only after the neighbors call. Which, um, if this community's tight, as you say, you know just might be quick enough to save your life. Or your children's lives.

=== ''Buridan's Ass'' [1.06] ===

:'''Parking Lot Cashier''': Ticket, please.
:'''Stavros Milos''': I changed my mind. I decided... God. He told me. He has different plans.
:'''Parking Lot Cashier''': God told you not to park here?
:'''Stavros Milos''': No, no, no. I know what I have to do now. I didn't before.
:'''Parking Lot Cashier''': Well, sir, I gotta... It's $2 for the first 30 minutes, so...
:'''Stavros Milos''': Son, you go to church?
:'''Parking Lot Cashier''': Yes, sir.
:'''Stavros Milos''': Then open the goddamn gate. Your Lord demands it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Don Chumph''': ''[reading Malvo's letter]'' Once upon a time, there was a little boy. He was born in a field and raised in the woods. And he had nothing. In the winter the boy would freeze and in the summer he would boil. He knew the name of every stinging insect. At night he would look at the lights in the houses, and he would want. Why was he outside and they in? Why was he so hungry and they fed? &quot;It should be me,&quot; he said. And out of the darkness the wolves came, whispering.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lester Nygaard''': You have gotta stand by me here.
:'''Chaz Nygaard''': You've been a burden my whole life. I'm done. There's something wrong with you, Lester. There's-- there's something missing. You're not right in the world.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gus Grimly''': When a dog goes rabid, right, there's no mistaking it for a normal dog. And here we are, we're supposed to be, us people, we're supposed to know better. To be better, you know?
:'''Molly Solverson''': Must be hard to live in this world if you believe that.
:'''Gus Grimly''': You have no idea. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Tripoli''': Sam Hess.
:'''Mr. Carlyle''': ''[quickly looks up the progress on Hess]'' Assets deployed, Mr. Wrench and Mr. Numbers - three days, plus lodging, plus mileage.
:'''Mr. Jergen''': ''[Tripoli looks over at Jergen]'' You want the, um...? Bottom line, they don't think... our guys... they said, doesn't look related to the business. Could be extramarital on the wife's side. So, uh, now they're en route to a second location to apprehend who we, uh, think is responsible.
:'''Mr. Tripoli''': Dead.
:'''Mr. Jergen''': What's that?
:'''Mr. Tripoli''': Not apprehend. Dead. Don't care extramarital. Don't care not-related. Kill and be killed. Head in a bag. There's the message.
:'''Mr. Jergen''': Of course, boss. Yeah.

=== ''Who Shaves the Barber?'' [1.07] ===

:'''Lou Solverson''': Ben Schmidt says you put down a guy with an assault rifle.
:'''Molly Solverson''': Well, he was pointing it at me.
:'''Lou Solverson''': Yeah. Proud of you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Molly Solverson''': What did I lose?
:'''Gus Grimly''': A spleen. Look, I'll get you a new one, I swear.
:'''Molly Solverson''': Yeah, you'd better.
:...
:'''Gus Grimly''': You want some pop or something?
:'''Molly Solverson''': No, I want a new spleen, that's what I want, so you know, better get cracking, mister.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Rundle''': Can I sit? Or did you want to kill me standing?
:'''Lorne Malvo''': Two hombres took a run at me in Duluth.
:'''Mr. Rundle''': Mexicans?
:'''Lorne Malvo''': That's the wrong part of the sentence to be focusing on.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorne Malvo''': This one ''[pointing to the first phone on Rundle's desk]'' calls an ambulance, that one ''[pointing to the second phone]'' calls the hearse. I'm going to ask you again, and depending on the answer, I pick up this ''[points to first phone]'' or that ''[points to second phone]''. Who do I talk to in Fargo?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gina Hess''': I know a little something about greasy palms.

=== ''The Heap'' [1.08] ===

:'''FBI Agent Pepper''': The file room. A room with files. Say you took one of them out.
:'''FBI Agent Budge''': Took it where?
:'''FBI Agent Pepper''': Doesn't matter. Let's say you took one of the files out. Is it still the file room?
:'''FBI Agent Budge''': Now I'm saying that you and I both agree that the file room minus one file is still the file room. Now, let's say you took another one out, and then another. If the file room minus one file is still the file room, and you keep subtracting one at a time, you could end up with zero files. I'm saying logically. Or even negative files, and it would still...
:'''FBI Agent Pepper''': How do you have negative files?
:'''FBI Agent Budge''': No, I'm just, logically I'm saying. 'Cept no one is taking files, they just bring more.
:'''FBI Agent Pepper''': What about a cemetery? I mean, remove one body from a cemetery, it's still a cemetery, but a cemetery with no bodies, what's that?
:'''FBI Agent Budge''': Condos.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorne Malvo''': ''[to Mr. Wrench]''  I watched a bear once. His leg was in a steel trap. It chewed through bloody bone to get free. It was in Alaska. Died about an hour later facedown in a stream. But it was on his own terms, you know? You got close. Closer than anybody else. I don't know if it was you or your partner, but look. If you still feel raw about things when you heal up, come see me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ida Thurman''': Heard you got some flowers.
:'''Molly Solverson''': Some people do love to flap their lips.
:'''Ida Thurman''': More than once what I heard.
:'''Molly Solverson''': Well, there's a suitor is all I'm prepared to say.
:'''Ida Thurman''': Vern was so bad at courtship. One time, he gave me a bouquet of poison ivy. Picked it himself.
:'''Molly Solverson''': He's up in Duluth, my gentleman. Has a daughter.
:'''Ida Thurman''': What's his name?
:'''Molly Solverson''': I call him Sergio. He's a pirate I think.
:'''Ida Thurman''': Very funny, you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bill Oswalt''': Look, you can't... that's just how it is, sometimes. Life. You know, you go to bed unsatisfied. They're calling the lottery numbers on the TV and you get the first few and already in your mind you're buying a jet or a fjord or whatever, but it's just not meant to be. It's just not meant to be.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lester Nygaard''': You know, you can go through your whole life without a care, and one day it all changes. People die. They lose their homes. They go to prison. It's calamity, huh? I know it, 'cause I lived it. And if this year has taught me anything-- and believe me, I've seen it all-- it's that the worst does happen. And you need to be insured.

=== ''A Fox, A Rabbit And A Cabbage'' [1.09] ===
:'''Burt Canton''': I'm not afraid to admit it. Well, she's something else, that Jemma. Just between us girls, that body, is it... I mean... What's she like in the sack? 
:'''Lorne Malvo''': Hellcat. It's the only word for it. 
:'''Burt Canton''': Shit. Yeah. Weezy's basically a Jew in the bedroom. 
:'''Lorne Malvo''': Oh, you mean she wears a wig, makes you do it through a hole in the sheet, yeah. 
:'''Burt Canton''': No. No, no. She stopped putting it in her mouth soon as the ring went on her finger.
:'''Lorne Malvo''': Well, that's a national tragedy, Burt.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Greta Grimly''': Hey, um, go fishing later?
:'''Lou Solverson''': You're the granddaughter I always wanted but was afraid to buy online.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jemma Stalone''': Oh, mick mike. I just keep pinching myself.
:'''Lorne Malvo''': Well, honey, you've earned it. It's like my mama always said, &quot;boys, if you like the milk, buy the freakin' cow.&quot;
:'''Jemma Stalone''': Oh, that's so sweet. Well, I am gonna stick my whole thumb up your ass later.
:'''Lorne Malvo''': Aces.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorne Malvo''': ''[after shooting three people]'' This one's on you. I worked this guy for six months, Lester. Six months. Can you imagine the number of sewer mouths I put my hands in? The gallons of human spit? Plus the hundred thousand ballot down the toilet, but still, the look on his face when I pulled the gun? Classic, huh?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lou Solverson''': Had a case once, back in '79. I'd tell you the details, but it'd sound like I made 'em up. Madness, really.
:'''Lorne Malvo''': Bodies? 
:'''Lou Solverson''': Yes, sir. One after another. Probably, if you stacked 'em high, could've climbed to the second floor. Now, I saw something that year I ain't ever seen, before or since. I'd call it animal. Except animals only kill for food. This was-- Sioux Falls. Ever been?
:'''Lorne Malvo''': Went to Sioux City once back in my scandalous days. But anyway, you didn't answer my question there.
:'''Lou Solverson''': Well, I'll tell you what. You, uh-- you leave me your number. I'll make sure Lester gets it next time he comes in.
:'''Lorne Malvo''': Well, that's a solid offer, friend, but like I said, I'm just passing through. Thanks for the pie and the coffee. Haven't had a piece of pie like that since the Garden of Eden.

=== ''Morton's Fork'' [1.10] ===

:'''Lester Nygaard''': MY WIFE IS DEAD! And there are arrangements to see to. So you can either lock me up or let me go.
:'''Molly Solverson''': [on Lorne Malvo] He's not gonna stop. You know that. A man like that... maybe not even a man.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lester Nygaard''': You know, I'm not sure what you've had against me since day one. But I'm not the person you think I am, this, this kind of monster.
:'''Molly Solverson''': There was a fella once. Running for a train. And he's carrying a pair of gloves, this man. And he loses a glove on the platform. But he doesn't notice. And then later on, he's on the train sitting by the window, and he realises that he's just got this one glove left. But the train's already started pulling out of the station. So what does he do? He opens the window and he drops the other glove on to the platform. Now whoever finds the first glove can just have the pair.
:'''Lester Nygaard''': So, what are you telling me?
:'''Molly Solverson''': Goodbye, Mr. Nygaard.
:'''Lester Nygaard''': Goodbye, Deputy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bill Oswalt''': ''[to Molly]'' I used to have positive opinions about the world, you know, about people. Used to think the best. Now I'm looking over my shoulder. An unquiet mind, that's what the wife calls it. The job has got me staring into the fireplace, drinking. I never wanted to be the type to think big thoughts about the nature of things and...all I ever wanted was a stack of pancakes and a v8.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gus Grimly''': I figured it out.
:'''Lorne Malvo''': Good for you.
:'''Gus Grimly''': Your riddle-- shades of green. I figured it out.
:'''Lorne Malvo''': ''[irritated]'' And?
:''[Gus kills Malvo]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gus Grimly''': They're gonna give me a citation for bravery.
:'''Greta Grimly''': You? Come on, you're afraid of spiders.
:'''Gus Grimly''': Buzz Aldrin was afraid of spiders, and he went into space.
:'''Molly Solverson''': Proud of you, hon.
:'''Gus Grimly''': They really should be giving it to you.
:'''Molly Solverson''': No. No, this is your deal. I get to be chief.

== Season 2 ==

=== ''Waiting for Dutch'' [2.01] ===

:'''Dodd Gerhardt''': You wear short pants till you prove you're a man.
:'''Rye Gerhardt''': I'm a man.
:'''Dodd Gerhardt''': You're the comic in a piece of bubble gum!
:'''Rye Gerhardt''': Well, I mean, says you.
:'''Dodd Gerhardt''': You got till tomorrow to bring the collection money you owe.
:'''Rye Gerhardt''': Or what?
:'''Dodd Gerhardt''': You make me wait for you again, I'll cleave your skull.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rye Gerhardt''': Look, there's two ways this can go...
:'''Judge Mundt''': ''[sarcastically]'' Is one of them &quot;the hard way&quot;?
:'''Rye Gerhardt''': This isn't one of those optional check &quot;A&quot; or &quot;B&quot; scenarios. I'm gonna change your mind.
:'''Judge Mundt''': ''[sighs]'' One day, the Devil came to God and said, &quot;Let's make a bet between you and me for the soul of a man.&quot; And from on high they looked down on Job, a devout man, religious. And the Devil said, &quot;I can change his mind and make him curse your name.&quot; And God said, &quot;Try and you will only fail.&quot; So the Devil begins. He kills Job's herds and takes his fields. He plagues him with boils and throws him on the ash heap. But Job's mind remains unchanged. So I ask you, son, if the Devil couldn't change Job's mind, how the hell are you gonna change mine?
:'''Rye Gerhardt''': What?
:'''Judge Mundt''': You're a little dim, aren't you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lou Solverson''': It's a diner robbery in Minnesota, Karl. Not a presidential assassination.
:'''Karl Weathers''': Oh, sure. That's how it starts-- with something small, like a break-in at the Watergate Hotel. But just watch. This thing's only getting bigger.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Karl Weathers''': Unacceptable is what it is. A woman like that in the prime of her... With a young daughter! Tell her if [[John McCain]] could hold out for 5 1/2 years against Viet Cong thumbscrews, she can beat this cancer bullshit in her sleep.
:'''Lou Solverson''': I'll make sure to mention that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lou Solverson''': Your dad said he'd be over Sunday in a suit of armor.
:'''Betsy Solverson''': Ugh. Geez. You light one souffle on fire...

=== ''Before The Law'' [2.02] ===

:''[Dodd and Dent are torturing a man]''
:'''Dodd Gerhardt''': Fought in the trenches in France - World War I. He was an artillerieschuetzen, my granddad, a gunner. Blasted mustard gas at the Allies. Had them dancing like poisoned rats. Brits caught him in a raid, hung him by his thumbs for six days straight. So this, what we're doing, this is nothing. ''[beat]'' Are you listening to me? Is he listening to me?
:'''Hanzee Dent''': Cut off his ears.
:'''Dodd Gerhardt''': Wake him up.
:'''Hanzee Dent''': He's dead, I think.
:'''Dodd Gerhardt''': Weak.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joe Bulo''': Management says acquire the territory, we acquire it. Whether that's cash down or sending bodies to the morgue, that's up to the Krauts. First Gerhardt to switch sides gets a shiny, red apple.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peggy Blumquist''': We got a plan, you know?
:'''Constance Heck''': The word &quot;we&quot; is a castle, hon, with a moat and a drawbridge. And you know what gets locked up in castles?
:'''Peggy Blumquist''': Dragons?
:'''Constance Heck''': Princesses. Don't be a prisoner of &quot;we&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hank Larsson''': I'm gonna radio ahead and make sure you make it out of State. If not, I'm gonna put out an APB and have you boys rounded up. And then we'll talk again. You understand?
:'''Mike Milligan''': I do. And isn't that a minor miracle? The state of the world today and the level of conflict and misunderstanding, that two men could stand on a lonely road in winter and talk calmly and rationally while all around them, people are losing their mind. You have a nice day.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hank Larsson''': After WWII, we went six years without a - without a murder here. Six years. And these days, well... Sometimes wonder if you boys didn't bring that war home with ya.

=== ''The Myth Of Sisyphus'' [2.03] ===

:'''Lou Solverson''': Say, you wouldn't by any chance be Mike Milligan and the Kitchen brothers, would ya?
:'''Mike Milligan''': You make us sound like a prog-rock band. &quot;Ladies and gentlemen, introducing Mike Milligan and the Kitchen brothers.&quot;  ''[A Kitchen brother grabs a shotgun]'' Double whoops.
:'''Lou Solverson''': Easy.
:'''Mike Milligan''': Minnesota cop. You do know you're in North Dakota, right?
:'''Lou Solverson''': Must've got lost on the way to the lake.
:'''Mike Milligan''': So, where'd you say you saw old Skip?
:'''Lou Solverson''': At your mother's house.  I think going in the backdoor.
:'''Mike Milligan''': I like him.  I like you. Met another fella from Minnesota yesterday.  Big guy, sheriff, I think.  I liked him, too.
:'''Lou Solverson''': We're a very friendly people.
:'''Mike Milligan''': No, that's not it. Pretty unfriendly, actually. But it's the way you're unfriendly, how you're so polite about it.  Like you're doing me a favor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hanzee Dent''': No drugs, your dad says. Says anyone sells to you gets the axe.
:'''Simone Gerhardt''': Geez, you're all a bunch of squares. Sometimes a girl just wants to bust a nut, ya know?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hank Larsson''': Rye Gerhardt - raised without the proper moral fiber, I'm thinking. I mean, to kill all those people, and for what? You know, a little money?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed Blumquist''': You sure about this plan?
:'''Peggy Blumquist''': It'll work. Like I said, my uncle used to drive his truck and drink Old Milwaukee. And, you know, insurance don't want to pay for accidents when you're drunk, so he came up with this plan. Every crack-up, he'd drive his truck to some deserted spot till he sobered up, fake a new accident to cover the damage he did drinking.
:'''Ed Blumquist''': Well, it's creative.
:'''Peggy Blumquist''': So, that's what we do. We cover the damage, file a report, and then, I mean, that should do it. We got rid of the - I mean, the guy's all ground up, and you burned his clothes, you said, so, once the car's fixed, it's - We're free. You been a real paladin.
:'''Ed Blumquist''': A... what's that?
:'''Peggy Blumquist''': It's like a knight. My knight.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lou Solverson''': Am I the only one here who's clear on the concept of law enforcement?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Floyd Gerhardt''': Maude Schmidt's boy here is trying to tell me your brother killed a judge.
:'''Dodd Gerhardt''': Nobody killed a judge. We own all the judges. What'd be the point of killing one?
:'''Ben Schmidt''': Now, Dodd...
:'''Dodd Gerhardt''': Don't you &quot;Dodd&quot; me. We're not friends.
:'''Ben Schmidt''': We found Rye's prints on the gun.
:'''Dodd Gerhardt''': You're gonna find my boot on your neck, you keep talking like that.
:'''Lou Solverson''': Well, now, to be fair - I'm the one who found the gun, so I think you're dancing with the wrong girl.
:'''Dodd Gerhardt''': What'd you say?
:'''Lou Solverson''': I says, I'm the one who found the gun, so you should be talking to me. And I'm from out of town, so forgive me if I should be terrified, but in Minnesota, when a police officer says talk, you talk.
:'''Dodd Gerhardt''': You want to dance? Let's dance.

=== ''Fear and Trembling'' [2.04] ===

:'''Sonny Greer''': Look, I-I was in 'Nam, yeah? Out there, they called me &quot;Mad Dog,&quot; so you just-- you watch your, uh...
:'''Hanzee Dent''': Do you miss it?
:'''Sonny Greer''': What?
:'''Hanzee Dent''': Well, the-- the country-- you know, the wet, the heat, the bugs? Do you miss that?
:'''Sonny Greer''': God, no.
:'''Hanzee Dent''': It's this quiet I can't get used to, this frozen winter.
:'''Sonny Greer''': Yeah, well... Can't argue with ya.
:'''Hanzee Dent''': Did you work the tunnels?
:'''Sonny Greer''': The--
:'''Hanzee Dent''': &quot;Send the Indian,&quot; they'd say. &quot;Who cares about booby traps? Give Hanzee a flashlight and a knife and send him down into the black echo.&quot; Moving through the earth like a rat, killing off Charlie, taking his ears.
:'''Sonny Greer''': Ears?
:'''Hanzee Dent''': You got to push their faces down into the dirt so they don't scream and wake the others.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simone Gerhardt''': You know what depresses me? I missed the '60s-- free love, drop acid, Woodstock. Wake up one day, decide you want to call yourself Flower Rainblossom, you just call yourself Flower Rainblossom.
:'''Mike Milligan''': Yeah, but the '70s were always coming, like a-- What do you... A hangover. And you know what happened to Flower Rainblossom? She's on methadone in Bismark, turning tricks for breakfast meat.
:'''Simone Gerhardt''': I know. But at least I would've had fun, be free like how you get to dream before you wake up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Floyd Gerhardt''': Maybe, when you look at me, you see an old woman, and I am 61. I've borne six children, had three miscarriages. Two of my sons are here today. Two were stillborn. My firstborn, Elron, killed in Korea - gook sniper took off half his head. The point is don't assume, just because I'm an old woman, that my back is weak and my stomach's not strong. I make this counter because a deal is always better than war. But no mistake - we'll fight to keep what's ours to the last man.
:'''Joe Bulo''': You're a good woman. I wish I'd known your husband.
:'''Floyd Gerhardt''': No. My husband would've killed you where you stood the first time you met. So be glad you're talking to his wife.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joe Bulo''': That's the problem with a family business. Now, if one of my men defies me, puts a deal in jeopardy, I take his arm. If he talks out of turn, I take his tongue. But you, your children, your grandchildren...what are ''you'' willing to do to show us you're committed?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lou Solverson''': You didn't fight, did you, Ed - in the war?
:'''Ed Blumquist''': No, sir. 4-F on account I got the one kidney.
:'''Lou Solverson''': So... There's a look a boy gets when he's been shot or a - or a land mine takes off his legs, and he's laying there in the mud, trying to get up, 'cause he doesn't feel it yet.
:'''Ed Blumquist''': I, uh, don't...
:'''Lou Solverson''': His - his brain hasn't caught up with the reality, which is... he's already dead.
:'''Peggy Blumquist''': Ed, he's scaring me.
:'''Lou Solverson''': But we see it, the rest of us. And we lie. We say, &quot;Lay still. You're gonna be fine.&quot; If you'd been to war, you'd know the look. See, you and Peggy, you got the look.

=== ''The Gift of the Magi'' [2.05] ===

:'''Mike Milligan''': She was a true gloom, my mother. We used to eat in the dark. For a laugh, I wrote on her tombstone, &quot;Here lies Barbara Milligan, happy till the end.&quot; Me, on the other hand, I'm an optimist.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Noreen Vanderslice''': Personally not sure why you're makin' all this effort.
:'''Ed Blumquist''': Gonna buy the shop, be my own boss.
:'''Noreen Vanderslice''': And?
:'''Ed Blumquist''': And what? That's the American dream.
:'''Noreen Vanderslice''': What's the point? Just gonna die, anyway.
:'''Ed Blumquist''': What do you mean?
:'''Noreen Vanderslice''': Camus says knowing we're all gonna die makes life a joke.
:'''Ed Blumquist''': So what, you just - you just give up?
:'''Noreen Vanderslice''': You could kill yourself, get it over with.
:'''Ed Blomquist''': Okay, that - that's not... I-I mean, come on, you gotta - you gotta try.
:'''Noreen Vanderslice''': No.
:'''Ed Blomquist''': You go to school, you get a job, you start a family.
:'''Noreen Vanderslice''': Die.
:'''Ed Blomquist''': That's - Would you please stop saying that? I'm gonna live a long, long life. My - my grandpa was 96.
:'''Noreen Vanderslice''': At which point he did what?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dodd Gerhardt''': You actually like it, huh, taking orders from a woman? Was that how it was in the bedroom with Kathy?
:'''Bear Gerhardt''': Don't you talk about her.
:'''Dodd Gerhardt''': She strap one on, bend you over the bed, and show you who's boss?
:'''Bear Gerhardt''': There's gonna be a reckoning one day, brother. All souls are called to account for their actions. In the end, we all get what we deserve.
:'''Dodd Gerhardt''': You keep telling yourself that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ronald Reagan''': The eyes of all people are upon us, so that if we shall deal falsely with our God in this work we have undertaken, and so cause him to withdraw his presence him from us, we shall be made a story and a byword throughout the world. A troubled and afflicted mankind looks to us. My friends, I believe that you and I together can keep this rendezvous with destiny.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dodd Gerhardt''': ''[to Simone]'' You think you're grown, is that it? What? With your clothes and your hair and no bra? Like you know somethin' about the world? Being grown's got a price. Kid gets slapped when he's bad. When you're grown, you get the fist. Or the knife.

=== ''Rhinoceros'' [2.06] ===

:'''Ed Blumquist''': This is all just so crazy. And I can't stop thinking about that book. Noreen's book. It's, like, stuck in my head.
:'''Lou Solverson''': What? What book?
:'''Ed Blumquist''': It's about this guy who, every day, he - he pushes this rock up this hill. Like a boulder. And then every night, it just rolls back down. But he doesn't stop. You know, he just - he keeps goin'. And - and he wakes up every day and starts pushin'. By which I-I-I guess I'm - I'm sayin' it doesn't matter what they throw at me. I'm gonna take care of what's mine.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dodd Gearhardt''': ''[to Simone]'' A whore's life is five good years, five bad years, and then some half-dick sweat stain grinds you out like a cigarette. Like a goddamn spent cigarette. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Hank Larrson''': My question for you is, how come after you hit that fella, you didn't just drive to the hospital or waved down a passin' motorist and ask 'em to call the cops?
:'''Peggy Blumquist''': You say it like these things happen in a vacuum. Like it's a test. Check &quot;A&quot; or &quot;B&quot;. But it's like decisions you make in a dream, ya know? I'll tell you what, if it was me, and we had to run I wouldn't look back. For what? The dazzle? This house? This is Ed's house. He grew up here. His mom washing his undies, his father taking his paper to the commode. You ask me how come I buy all these magazines? I'm livin' in a museum of the past.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hank Larrson''': ''[to Dodd]'' Son, I could fill out a steamer trunk with the amount of stupid I think you are.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Karl Weathers''': ''[to Ed]'' Well, son, rest assured whatever your status, I shall defend you till your last breath. I mean my last breath. Excuse the obvious death penalty snafu. I'm slightly inebriated.

=== ''Did you do this? No you did it!'' [2.07] ===

:'''Hank Larrson''': My wife passed last summer. We were up in Brainerd, visitin' my sister. Last thing she said to me - &quot;Do you smell toast?&quot;
:'''Floyd Gerhardt''': Different roads, same destination.
:'''Hank Larrson''': I suppose. But the question is - for you, I mean - how far does it go? Husband dead, plus your youngest, grandson in jail, and now Dodd's missin', we hear.
:'''Floyd Gerhardt''': Old-timers had it worse. Used to be 10 born, 2 survived - consumption, scalpings, smallpox, wolves.
:'''Hank Larrson''': Well, it's a question of what you can live with, I suppose - how many ghosts. I-I shot a man through the teeth in Vichy, France. I still see his face every night before bed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike Milligan''': There's a man.
:'''Ben Schmidt''': What - what man?
:'''Mike Milligan''': Just a man. He works in a factory. One day, the boss gets it in his mind that this man is stealing from him. So, every night at the gate, the guards search his wheelbarrow. But they never find anything.
:'''Ben Schmidt''': Pat him down.
:'''Mike Milligan''': Oh, they do that. Strip him naked - nothin'.
:'''Ben Schmidt''': So he's not stealin'.
:'''Mike Milligan''': Of course he is.
:'''Lou Solverson''': Wheelbarrows.
:'''Mike Milligan''': Thank you. That's right. He's stealing wheelbarrows.
:'''Ben Schmidt''': What?
:'''Mike Milligan''': My point is sometimes the answer is so obvious you can't see it because you're looking too hard. See, we can't leave because we're the future, and they're the past. The past can no more become the future than the future can become the past.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hamish Broker''': Braverman stood for you, said, &quot;He's not like the other darkies. This one's smart, capable.&quot; But that is not what I'm seeing.
:'''Mike Milligan''': And I appreciate the opportunity... sir, believin', as I do, like the good Dr. King said, &quot;A man should be judged on the content of his character, not the color of his skin.&quot;
:'''Hamish Broker''': Yeah, he's dead. You're gonna need a different quote.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mike Milligan''': So... is this a conversation about how it's time for me to pack up and go home?
:'''Lou Solverson''': No. Don't have to go home. It's a big country. Just maybe don't be here.
:'''Mike Milligan''': Are you familiar with the phrase &quot;manifest destiny&quot;?
:'''Lou Solverson''': Yeah, but see, here's the thing. I own two pairs of shoes - a summer pair and one for winter. We're not meant to have more than we can handle, is what I mean. So, this need for conquest, you know, tryin' to own things that aren't meant to be owned...
:'''Mike Milligan''': Like people?
:'''Lou Solverson''': That's an example. But also places - believin' we can tame things. That's a problem, right?... Not a solution.
:'''Mike Milligan''': You're saying capitalism is a problem?
:'''Lou Solverson''': No... Greed... Makin' this thing all or nothin'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Simone Gerhardt''': Please. Please! It's not... We're family!
:'''Bear Gerhardt''': None of us are family anymore.
:'''Simone Gerhardt''': Please! Pl-please, just banish me. Like you said, shave my head. Run me out of - I'll go! I'll go away and never... You don't have to.
:'''Bear Gerhardt''': Hush now. It's already done.

=== ''Loplop'' [2.08] ===

:'''Dodd Gerhardt''': And here I am, tied up for no reason, a concerned citizen just walking past, and I - and I hear a cry for help.
:'''Ed Blumquist''': No, you're a Gerhardt.
:'''Dodd Gerhardt''': And you're shit on my shoe. Why don't you come here and let me wipe you off?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed Blumquist''': ''[to Peggy about Dodd]'' Hon, you got to stop stabbing him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed Blumquist''': Today's your lucky day, Mike. I've got Dodd Gerhardt in the trunk of my car. You want him?
:'''Mike Milligan''': Sir, if I kiss you when we meet, would that be inappropriate?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed Blumquist''': Maybe you heard of me - the Butcher of Luverne.
:'''Mike Milligan''': I have heard of you. And may I say, brother, I like your style.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dodd Gerhardt''': ''[to Ed]'' Son, you got yourself a woman problem. How I know is they've been plaguing me my whole life. What's the joke? Can't live with them, can't turn them into cat food. Personally, I don't see the value in all that talking and the mood swings and the lack of rational thinking, which, brother, your bitch has got that in spades. See, the male of the species has got the potential for greatness. Look at your kings of old. [[Napoleon]], [[Genghis Khan|Kublai Khan]], Samson. Giants made of muscle and steel. But these women, even in those Bible movies, you see a Delilah and, uh, Scheherazade. I want to tell you my own private belief here. I think Satan is a woman. Think about it.

=== ''The Castle'' [2.09] ===

:'''Hank Larsson''': Well, that went wrong in a hurry.
:'''Lou Solverson''': You comin'?
:'''Hank Larsson''': No. Good to have at least one grown-up here, don't you think? 
:'''Lou Solverson''': I'm gonna call my boss, see if he can stop this madness on a bureaucratic level.
:'''Hank Larsson''': Worth a shot. 
:'''Lou Solverson''': This thing's officially out of control.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jeb Cheney''': You Minnesota boys don't got much in the way of backbone, now, do ya?
:'''Hank Larsson''': Well, now, I wouldn't say that. Just like to think things through.
:'''Jeb Cheney''': Mm. Army?
:'''Hank Larsson''': Yes, sir. Liberated France in the great war. Not single-handedly, but I like to think they couldn't have done it without me.
:'''Jeb Cheney''': Well, then, you know it's the generals that do the thinkin' and everybody else just says, &quot;How high?&quot;
:'''Hank Larsson''': I'm not gonna debate the merits of top-down decision makin' with ya, Captain. 'Cept to say I had a lieutenant in the war, and h-he told [[Dwight Eisenhower|Eisenhower]] to go to hell once, on account of his orders woulda got us all killed. And I send that man a card every Christmas - 'cause I can.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Floyd Gerhardt''': Three times, I sent men to do a job. Three times, they come back unfinished. I'll handle this myself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Floyd Gerhardt''': I miss them all.
:'''Bear Gerhardt''': We'll be together again. On high.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peggy Blumquist''': It's just a flyin' saucer, Ed. We gotta go.

=== ''Palindrome'' [2.10] ===

:'''Mike Milligan''': Sovereignty is absolute power and authority.
:'''Ricky G''': Like a king?
:'''Mike Milligan''': Exactly. Which is who I am - your king.
:'''Ricky G''': Uh, it's America, brother. We don't do kings.
:'''Mike Milligan''': Oh, we do. We do. We just call them something else. See, today is my coronation day. And on coronation day, I've always believed a new king should start his reign with an act of kindness.
:'''Ricky G''': Right on.
:'''Mike Milligan''': And an act of cruelty. That way, your subjects know that you're capable of both - God and monster.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Noreen Vanderslice''': Camus says knowin' we're gonna die makes life absurd.
:'''Betsy Solverson''': Well, I don't know who that is. But I'm guessing he doesn't have a 6-year-old girl.
:'''Noreen Vanderslice''': He's French.
:'''Betsy Solverson''': Ugh, I don't care if he's from Mars. Nobody with any sense would say something that foolish. We're put on this earth to do a job. And each of us gets the time we get to do it. And when this life is over and you stand in front of the Lord... Well, you try tellin' Him it was all some Frenchman's joke.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lou Solverson''': I was there at the end, you know? After the war, when Saigon fell, on the USS Kirk patrolling the coast. And when the country went, it went fast. And we had, like, you know, 24 hours to get everybody out. And not just Americans, but our allies, the South Vietnamese, all packed onto boats and helicopters. We stood on the deck and waved them in. And one by one, they'd land, unload, and then we'd push the whirlybirds into the sea. The damndest thing. But then, this Chinook comes. And those things - you can't just land one on a ship this size. So we wave them off. But the pilot's got his whole family inside, and he's running out of fuel, so it's now or never. So he hovers over the deck. People start jumping - scared or not - onto the ship. There's a baby - literally a-a tiny baby and the mother just - just drops him. And one of my boys like catching a ball, just sticks out his hands. So, now everybody's out, and I'm thinking, &quot;How the heck is this pilot&quot;- right? - &quot;How's he gonna get out?&quot; But he maneuvers off the port bow, and he hovers there for the longest time doing, you know, what we learned later - uh, takin' off his flight suit. And somehow he rolls the bird on its side, and just before it hits the water, he jumps. 6,000 pounds of angry helicopter parts flyin' all around him. And somehow he makes it. How'd he do that?
:'''Peggy Blumquist''': What are you sayin'?
:'''Lou Solverson''': Your husband, he said he was gonna protect his family no matter what. And I acted like I didn't understand, but I do. It's the rock we all push - men. We call it our burden, but it's really our privilege.
:'''Peggy Blumquist''': I never meant for any of this to happen. You know? Not to Ed. Not to anybody. I just wanted to be someone.
:'''Lou Solverson''': Well, you're somebody now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Book''': What'll you do then, I wonder? Join a-a new empire?
:'''Hanzee Dent''': Maybe start one of my own.
:'''The Book''': So that it, too, may one day collapse and fall into the sea. Do I take it you'll try to get revenge on Kansas City, apprehend those responsible? 'Cause you can bet Kansas City will be heavily guarded.
:'''Hanzee Dent''': Not apprehend. Dead. Don't care &quot;heavily guarded&quot;. Don't care &quot;into the sea&quot;. Kill and be killed. Head in a bag.

== Season 3 ==
=== ''The Law of Vacant Places'' [3.01] ===

:'''East Berlin Official''': We are not here to tell stories, we are here to tell the truth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Valet''': No tip?
:'''Ray Stussy''': Ya. Get a real job.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nikki Swango''': You're the hand and I'm the glove.
:'''Ray Stussy''': You're the bottle and I'm the beer.
:'''Nikki Swango''': Or the beer and the glass in my case.
:'''Ray Stussy''': Oh yeah, but I mean it comes in--
:'''Nikki Swango''': No, I know. Yeah. Simpatico.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sy Feltz''': It's, see your firm, Narwhal, like I said last year, we borrowed a hefty sum. And I know you're not bona fide FDIC, but I mean, unless you boys do business differently in... Where you from?
:'''V. M. Varga''': America.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nikki Swango''': Ray, there's a man in my bathroom.
:'''Ray Stussy''': Let's not jump to any conclusions.
:'''Nikki Swango''': Are you saying he's not a man or he's not in my bathroom?

=== ''The Principle of Restricted Choice'' [3.02] ===

:'''Irv Blumkin''': You borrowed $1,000,000 from a man without knowing his first name.
:'''Emmit Stussy''': I know how it -
:'''Irv Blumkin''': It's not a question. I'm just assessing the level of stupidity.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Attendant''': Are they with you?
:'''V. M. Varga''': Surmise.
:'''Attendant''': What?
:'''V. M. Varga''': Because we arrived together, we are together. Surmise.
:'''Attendant''': Well, are ya?
:'''V. M. Varga''': Yes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gloria Burgle''': The old way works just fine. Type out a report, send it via telex.
:'''Moe Dammick''': You do know what year it is, right? The future. We don't use - Who uses telexes anymore?
:'''Gloria Burgle''': So that's why no one ever writes me back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nikki Swango''': So, even if they wanted to solve it, the police, what possible solve is there, besides unfathomable pinheadery?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''V. M. Varga''': There. There you go. Now you're seeing it. The inescapable reality. You're trapped. Don't look so sad. By the time we're done, you'll be billionaires. On paper, at least.

===''The Law of Non-Contradiction'' [3.03]===
:'''Hotel clerk''': Room 203. Very nice room, very nice. It's got air conditioning. You can smell the ocean.
:'''Gloria Burgle''': There's a view?
:'''Hotel clerk''': No, there's a smell. At low tide.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Oscar Hunt''': Look, I'm just gonna cut to the chase here, gorgeous: Am I getting laid here, or what?
:'''Gloria Burgle''': Uh, &quot;what&quot;.
:'''Oscar Hunt''': Cool. Thanks for the beer.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Howard Zimmerman''': Let me ask you something. Do you know about science?
:'''Gloria Burgle''': Do I know about...?
:'''Howard Zimmerman''': About science. Well, science has this thing - it's been proven - they call it &quot;quantum&quot;... something. It talks about how we're all just particles... we're floating out there... we're moving through space. Nobody knows where we are. And then every once in awhile... &quot;BANG!&quot; We collide. And suddenly for maybe a minute, we're real. And then we float off again. As if we don't even exist. I used to think it meant something. These collisions, the people we found. 
:'''Gloria Burgle''': And now?
:'''Howard Zimmerman''': Don't let the door hit you on the way out.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vivian Lord''': ''[about Thaddeus]'' He was right. I am a bad person. But he wasn't that good, either.

===''The Narrow Escape Problem'' [3.04]===
:'''Ray Stussy''': Buck, if I wanted an opinion from an asshole, I'd ask my own. Got it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Winnie Lopez''': We've been tryin', me and Jerry, for months now. Like those old roadrunner cartoons with the wolf and the sheepdog, how you punch a clock to go to work. It's mostly missionary, if I'm being honest. We used to spice it up, but now it's about the shortest distance between two points. He'd pop faster from the back, if I'm being honest, but I think it's important to look each other in the eyes when it comes to making babies.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''V.M. Varga''': You see it, don't you? Millions of people bought houses they couldn't afford, and now they're living on the streets. Eighty-five percent of the world's wealth is controlled by one percent of the population. What do you think is going to happen when those people wake up and realize you've got all their money?
:'''Emmit Stussy''': Hey, I just charge for parkin'!
:'''V.M. Varga''': You think they're going to ask questions when they come with their pitchforks and their torches? You live in a mansion. You drive a $90,000 car.
:'''Emmit Stussy''': It's a lease, through the company!
:'''V.M. Varga''': Look at me. Look at me. This a $200 suit. I'm wearing a second-hand tie. I fly coach. Not because I can't afford first - because I'm smart. So look at you, look at me, and tell me who's the richer?
:'''Emmit Stussy''': Well, I-I feel like this a trick question.
:'''V.M. Varga''': There's an accounting coming, Mr. Stussy. Mongol hordes, and what are you doing to insulate yourself and your family? You think you're rich? You've no idea what rich means. Rich is a fleet of private planes filled with decoys to mask your scent. It's a bunker in Wyoming and another in Gstaad. So that's action item one: the accumulation of wealth. And I mean ''wealth'', not money.
:'''Emmit Stussy''': What's action item number two?
:'''V.M. Varga''': To use that wealth to become invisible.

===''The House of Special Purpose'' [3.05]===
:'''Nikki Swango''': You have made me the happiest woman ever. Now let's make a sex tape.
&lt;hr width=50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[A shocked Sy Feltz discovers that V.M. Varga has taken over his office]''
:'''Sy Feltz''': What the goddamn hell--!
:'''V.M. Varga''': You have a fat wife.
:'''Sy Feltz''': Excuse me?
:'''V.M. Varga''': Which part of what I just said is giving you trouble?
:'''Sy Feltz''': This is ''my'' office!
:'''V.M. Varga''': A fat woman is inherently untrustworthy as she is a sensualist; she sees no real difference between a pastrami sandwich and a dick in the mouth.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''V.M. Varga''': Do you know what a chicken is?
:'''Sy Feltz''': What?
:'''V.M. Varga''': A chicken. Do you know what a chicken is? A chicken is an egg's way of making another egg. You see, it's all a matter of perspective. The chicken sees it one way, the egg another. So let's start again: this is ''not'' your office, just as your wife would ''not'' be your wife if I came to her in the night with a platter of cold cuts.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sy Feltz''': We're in trouble here. Enemies are at the gates - inside the gates! Fornicating with our cookware!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nikki Swango''': I'm sorry. Who are you?
:'''Yuri''': [says something in Russian]
:'''Nikki Swango''': What?
:'''Meemo''': He said, &quot;Pretty girls should only open their mouths when they see a dick.&quot;
:'''Nikki Swango''': Well, just so I'm clear, which one of you is the dick?

===''The Lord of No Mercy'' [3.06]===
:'''V.M. Varga''': The First World War was started by a sandwich. On June 28th, 1914, Gavrilo Princip, one of seven conspirators, failed to blow up the Archduke of Austria with a hand grenade. Demoralized, Gavrilo stopped for lunch at Schiller's delicatessen on Franz Joseph Street in Sarajevo. But as he was eating, the Archduke's driver, lost, pulled up outside the restaurant and stopped. Fate had delivered Gavrilo's target to him, and he would not miss twice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Sy Feltz''': You're talking about doubling the size of the company in six months!
:'''V.M. Varga''': ''Three'' months. 
:'''Sy Feltz''': It's a lot of debt! Just to line our pockets? Shouldn't we... I'm just sayin'... the more cautious approach. Why not?
:'''V.M. Varga''': Because the shallow end of the pool is where the turds float. Emmit?
:'''Emmit Stussy''': No one ever got anywhere stayin' home, Sy.
:'''Sy Feltz''': And what does ''that'' mean?
:'''Emmit Stussy''': It means we're either doin' this, or we're not doin' this. Whether you step off the board with one foot or two, you still end up in the water.
:'''Sy Feltz''': Okay. But what about the IRS? You said yourself, he's sittin' in a conference room, right now, goin' over the books!
:'''V.M. Varga''': ''Some'' books. Not ''the'' books.
:'''Sy Feltz''': What the heck does ''that'' mean?
:'''V.M. Varga''': Let's just say, for testimonial purposes, it's better that you don't know.
:'''Sy Feltz''': You think the IRS won't - this is what they do! Tax cheats!
:'''V.M. Varga''': Middle managers and movie stars. People who park their money in a Denver Wells Fargo under their mother-in-law's maiden name. But I assure you, the IRS could not unravel an intricate web of shell companies and loan-outs with secret accounts in Monaco, Luxembourg, and the Cook Islands if you gave them the account numbers.
:'''Sy Feltz''': What?
:'''V.M. Varga''': I'm beginning to think that finance is more of a hobby with you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''V.M. Varga''': Eden Valley. Is that a nice town?
:'''Gloria Burgle''': We got a Tastee Freeze and a Dairy Queen.
:'''V.M. Varga''': Will wonders never cease.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emmit Stussy''': You win. I'm done. Whatever you want, just tell me. [Ray gapes at him in shock.] I co-signed the mortgage, you think I don't have a key?
:'''Ray Stussy''': Came for my money.
:'''Emmit Stussy''': The dalmatian at the bank. You poured her in the trash, the dog. I got her for Grace when she was seven.
:'''Ray Stussy''': Laverne.
:'''Emmit Stussy''': She didn't live that long. Car got her, but we'd grown attached.
:'''Ray Stussy''': I was looking for my stamp.
:'''Emmit Stussy''': You know, I was thinking about it on the way over. I can't think of a single person doesn't like me, except you.
:'''Ray Stussy''': That's what they say to your face.
:'''Emmit Stussy''': No, Ray! I'm a fair man! I treat people honestly, help 'em when they're down!
:'''Ray Stussy''': ''Them'' you help!
:'''Emmit Stussy''': When did I not help you, kid? Everything you asked! Co-signing the mortgage, repairs for the car!
:'''Ray Stussy''': I'm not less than you. Some child that needs–
:'''Emmit Stussy''': Ray, come on. We've done this already. Been doing it for twenty years. ''Enough''. [Pause. Emmit stands up, picking up a picture frame by his feet. He walks over to Ray and shows it to him, revealing the stamp inside. Ray takes it and looks at it.] It's finished, okay? Words said in anger, crimes committed, we've both done things. It's a certain madness, I think. Brotherhood. Buttons you push in me, that I push in you, grudges...but I don't want that anymore. So...I'm giving you the stamp.
:'''Ray Stussy''': [pause] Well, you're not giving it to me.
:'''Emmit Stussy''': No, I am.
:'''Ray Stussy''': You can't give me what was mine from the start!
:'''Emmit Stussy''': [sighs] Okay.
:'''Ray Stussy''': No, that's...take it. [He holds out the frame.]
:'''Emmit Stussy''': It's yours.
:'''Ray Stussy''': I said take it!
:'''Emmit Stussy''': I don't want it.
:'''Ray Stussy''': Take the damn stamp! [He pushes the frame into Emmit's chest.]
:'''Emmit Stussy''': [shoves him back] Stop!
:'''Ray Stussy''': Take it! [He shoves him again.]
:'''Emmit Stussy''': '''Stop!'''
[He pushes back, and the frame slams into Ray's face and shatters, dropping to the floor. Ray, dazed, finds a piece of glass in his neck and puts his fingers around it.]
:'''Emmit Stussy''': Don't. ''Don't!'' [Ray pulls it out, he groans as blood sprays from his neck.] Jesus!
:'''Ray Stussy''': Emmit. E–emmit.
:'''Emmit Stussy''': Ray...
[Emmit watches in horror as Ray drops to his knees, lays down, and bleeds to death.]
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''V.M. Varga''': Mr. Stussy. Do you know what Lenin said about Beethoven's ''Piano Sonata Number 23''? Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov, not the bloody walrus. He said, &quot;I know nothing that is greater than the Appassionata, but I cannot listen too often. It affects one's nerves, and makes one want to say kind, stupid things, and stroke the heads of those who, living in such a foul hell, can create such beauty. Better to beat the person unmercifully over the head.&quot; Where are you, Mr. Stussy?
:'''Emmit Stussy''': There's been an accident.
:'''V.M. Varga''': Things of consequence rarely happen by accident.
:'''Emmit Stussy''': Can you come?
:'''V.M. Varga''': Give me the address and I'll leave immediately.
:'''Emmit Stussy''': I'm at Ray's.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Emmit Stussy''': Did anyone see you?
:'''V.M. Varga''': I'm so rarely seen, maybe I don't even exist.
[Varga looks over to the living room, where Meemo whistles, having appeared from nowhere and examining Ray's body.]
:'''Emmit Stussy''': What's he doing here?
:'''V.M. Varga''': You called for help. This is what help looks like.
:'''Emmit Stussy''': I wanted to find his pulse, but I was afraid.
:'''V.M. Varga''': Afraid you'd leave fingerprints? Where else might we find your fingerprints?
:'''Emmit Stussy''': Uh, I came in that door.
:'''V.M. Varga''': So the knob, inside and out.
:'''Emmit Stussy''': And, uh, that frame, the glass.
:'''Meemo''': Bury the body, missing person?
:'''V.M. Varga''': [walks over and picks up a picture frame] No. Collect the frame and the stamp, and leave the glass. [to Emmit] Is there someplace you're supposed to be right now? [taps Emmit's forehead] ''Is there someplace you're supposed to be right now?''
:'''Emmit Stussy''': What time is it? [Varga shows Emmit his watch] A meeting, a dinner.
:'''V.M. Varga''': Which is it, a meeting or a dinner?
:'''Emmit Stussy''': Uh, dinner.
:'''V.M. Varga''': With whom?
:'''Emmit Stussy''': Sy.
:'''V.M. Varga''': Which restaurant?
:'''Emmit Stussy''': Uh, it's in my phone.
:'''V.M. Varga''': Never mind, never mind. Listen, this is important. If the restaurant has a back door, go to the bathroom and wash your face and hands in very cold water, then go the table. That way, if any witnesses see you, they won't be able to time your arrival. Do you understand?
:'''Emmit Stussy''': Yeah, but–
:'''V.M. Varga''': Emmit! Look at me. Are you listening?
:'''Emmit Stussy''': Yeah.
:'''V.M. Varga''': Your brother...was killed, by his ex-convict girlfriend. He'd been abusing her, you see? Beating her in places that don't show. Ad tonight she'd had enough, so she cut his throat. And watched him bleed. Now, the police will contact you tonight to inform you of his death. Be upset, not too upset. Volunteer nothing, you haven't seen him for days, you haven't spoken to him–
:'''Emmit Stussy''': I called him on his cell.
:'''V.M. Varga''': When?
:'''Emmit Stussy''': Yesterday.
:'''V.M. Varga''': Right. Well, there'll be a record of that. Did you speak for long?
:'''Emmit Stussy''': Just a few minutes.
:'''V.M. Varga''': All right. Well, it's just a quick call, just to catch up, innit? Be vague.
:'''Emmit Stussy''': I didn't mean to.
:'''V.M. Varga''': No one ever does. [to Meemo] Walk him to his car, out in the back. Make sure you're not seen.

===''The Law of Inevitability'' [3.07]===
:'''Emmit Stussy''': Sy tells me you're in self-storage.
:'''Ruby Goldfarb''': Me and my late husband. We started in mortuaries.
:'''Emmit Stussy''': Ah, just another kind of storage, I suppose.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Moe Dammick''': ''[shows Nikki a picture of Ray's corpse]'' He's dead, in case you couldn't tell. Lady cop who printed you said you're a little tender. Around the middle, maybe? Got some bruises. See, I'm a simple guy. When it snows, I put on boots. Sun comes out, I wear shades. I see a girl like you and a guy like that, I think, &quot;Now, how's a working man with hillbilly hair and a beer belly land Miss State Penitentiary 2010? And then I get the record. I see the girl has got 18 months' probation and the guy with his head half cut off was the shlub who signed the forms. Now it starts to make sense. I mean, stop me if I get it wrong, if this wasn't some kind of tit-for-tat handjob-gets-you-work-release program. If it was, whatever. Love story of the century. No? That's what I thought. See? Simple things. Cause and effect, crime and punishment. Mash a potato, you know what you get? Mashed potatoes.
:'''Nikki Swango''':  I want a lawyer.
:'''Moe Dammick''': Yeah? Well, that's a mistake. Think it through. The evidence, shared domicile, you, a known felon, spinning a web of lies. History of domestic violence with a beer-drinking loser. You don't have to be a mathematician to add two plus two. No. Your best bet? Tearjerker. What a monster he was. How he beat you every night where it wouldn't show.
:''[Nikki says nothing]''
:'''Moe Dammick''': ''[sighs]'' Okay. We're done. I'll leave the picture, in case you're the type of girl who likes to take pride in her work.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Moe Dammick''': Either you're on vacation til the handover - take some time to grieve, be with your family, Merry Christmas, all that - or start looking for another job.
:'''Gloria Burgle''': Happy holidays, sir.
:'''Moe Dammick''': That's what I thought.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emmit Stussy''': Sy said your husband died.
:'''Sy Feltz''': That's not- we don't need to...
:'''Ruby Goldfarb''': It's fine. My Walt. It'll be a year in May since he passed. Did you lose someone?
:'''Emmit Stussy''': Stella. 25 years. She left last week. Sex tape. Not a real one, of course - I mean, it was a real sex tape, but not my, y'know... forgery. To the end of securing a payout. Which, y'know, that's the price of it, I guess, being rich.
:'''Ruby Goldfarb''': I don't know...
:'''Emmit Stussy''': Enemies, I'm sayin'. Not at first. First come the well-wishers with their fake smiles. Then, the richer you get, here come the deadbeats with their hands out.
:'''Sy Feltz''': You know, it's getting pretty late...
:'''Emmit Stussy''': The jackals laughing in the dark, trying to pick the meat off your bones.
:'''Sy Feltz''': Check, please!
:'''Ruby Goldfarb''': Money is a blessing and a curse.
:'''Emmit Stussy''': No, don't blame money! It's people. Sore losers. Making up stories about how we're villains. The dreamers, the hard workers. In the office before dawn. Toiling, saving... Ebenezer Scrooge and the like. Have you heard of the vile maxim?
:'''Ruby Goldfarb''': No...
:'''Emmit Stussy''': &quot;[[Adam Smith#Book III|All for ourselves and nothing for other people is the vile maxim of the masters of mankind.]]&quot; You think a rich man wrote that?

===''Who Rules the Land of Denial?'' [3.08]===
:'''Paul Marrane''': ''Shartis''.
:'''Nikki Swango''': Huh?
:'''Paul Marrane''': &quot;Job sat on his dung heap, covered in boils...&quot;
:'''Nikki Swango''': Mister, it's been a long day...
:'''Paul Marrane''': They're all long. That's the nature of existence. Life is suffering. I think you're beginning to understand that.
:'''Nikki Swango''': Amen.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paul Marrane''': Can I show you something? 
:''[Marrane reaches into a box and pulls out an orange kitten]''
:'''Nikki Swango''': Aww!
:''[Marrane hands the kitten to Nikki, who cuddles it]''
:'''Paul Marrane''': Ray is the cat.
:'''Nikki Swango''': What?
:'''Paul Marrane''': His name. I call him Ray. I know, that's not really a cat's name, but when I looked at him, that's the name that stuck. But this is how it is, I think.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''V.M. Varga''': Emmit. Emmit, are you listening?
:'''Emmit Stussy''': Yes.
:'''V.M. Varga''': You won.
:'''Emmit Stussy''': I won? What did I win?
:'''V.M. Varga''': Life.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''V.M. Varga''': I want you to picture an island, a tropical island. Somewhere warm. The South Pacific, perhaps. Can you see it? Now, I want you to imagine that on this island, one day in September 1945, a load of paper fell from the sky. Leaflets dropped in their hundreds by the Allied forces to tell the Japanese soldiers stationed there that the war was over. The Emperor has surrendered. But down below, one man refused to believe. Lieutenant Hiroo Onoda. A man of honor, values. And as the rest of the world went about its business -1946, '47, '50, '64, '71 - as peace was made and a Cold War fought, Hiroo Onoda battled on. A tireless soldier of the Emperor's Imperial Army, and the last man to die for an ideal.
:'''Emmit Stussy''': ''[tearfully, about Ray]'' He was just a boy. He used to follow me around after school - &quot;Emmit, play with me. Emmit, watch this.&quot; 
:'''V.M. Varga''': Is the Bible a children's book? What we're doing here, the sober affairs of men. These are feats of great strength and cunning and fortitude. Not child's play, not &quot;the best you can do&quot;. Nobody remembers the second man to climb Mt. Everest. That's it. Sleep now. Everything will be clearer in the morning.

===''Aporia'' [3.09]===
:'''Emmit Stussy''': He played tennis.
:'''Gloria Burgle''': Ray? 
:'''Emmit Stussy''': Our dad. At his club, rain or shine, every Saturday. He had that thing all dads have after 30 years of wearing socks, where the hair gets worn away, so he's basically bald from the shins down. ''[chuckles]'' I was on the drive, you know, throwing a ball against the house, a tennis ball. Wasn't supposed to, but he was gone, so... And Ray's someplace, kitchen probably, he was always eating, that kid. Real chubby. And then, Dad's home. He had this old Mercedes diesel, you could hear it on the come. So I hide the ball and he pulls in. Not out of the car ten seconds, when down he goes, flat on his face. One minute, he's waving hello, the next, just drops like - like the lights go out. ''[pause]'' I killed him.
:'''Gloria Burgle''': Your dad? 
:'''Emmit Stussy''': Ray. First I tricked him, then I killed him. Like no days had passed. Like one thing goes and then another. Like you whack a tennis ball back and forth.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''V.M. Varga''': You can't win this game, you do realize that? 
:'''Nikki Swango''': I thought you didn't play games.
:'''V.M. Varga''': I'm offering you a fortune, you're asking for a piggy bank. Porquoi? 
:'''Nikki Swango''': Because I wanna hurt you, not be your pet. I wanna look you in the face and rip out something you love.
:'''V.M. Varga''': I didn't kill him. You do know that? It was Emmit.
:'''Nikki Swango''': Wasn't Emmit who came for me in the precinct. Wasn't Emmit who flipped that bus.
:'''V.M. Varga''': You know, I didn't have any feeling about you before, but now I'm starting to really dislike you.
:'''Nikki Swango''': Good. ''[gets up to leave]'' I'll give you till tomorrow to get my money.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Gloria Burgle''': Got married straight out of high school to a guy I knew since fifth grade summer camp. Summer wedding. Guests were mostly mosquitoes. We had a baby boy, then a toddler, now a teen. Last year, my husband phones me at work, tells me he's got a boyfriend named Dale. Says they're moving in together. Says he's sorry. He loves me, but not like that. &quot;What else is there?&quot; I say. You think the world is something, then it turns out to be something else.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''V.M. Varga''': The problem is not that there is evil in the world. The problem is that there is good. Because otherwise, who would care?

===''Somebody to Love'' [3.10]===
:'''V.M. Varga''': Well, you should be happy, Mr. Stussy. Your first action item is complete: the accumulation of wealth.
:'''Emmit Stussy''': I'm just so tired.
:'''V.M. Varga''': Perfectly natural. You see it all the time in the wild - the smaller animal going limp in the jaws of the larger. Genetic instinct. At some level, food knows it's food.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nikki Swango''': Are you as low as you can go?
:'''Emmit Stussy''': What?
:'''Nikki Swango''': I asked you if you still feel you've got room to fall, or whether this is bottom.
:'''Emmit Stussy''': Honestly? If you'd asked me yesterday, I'd have said I couldn't go lower - sitting in jail, staring at a life behind bars or the electric chair. But now, here we are today, lower still.
:'''Nikki Swango''': Oh, I've been watching. This Varga fella plucked you like a chicken. But he's gone now, so I'm gonna finish the job.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''V.M. Varga''': Oh, that this was my salvation, a weary traveler, I.
:'''Gloria Burgle''': Agent Burgle, Department of Homeland Security.
:'''V.M. Varga''': Ah, the nation state defending its borders, and me, a simple salesman.
:'''Gloria Burgle''': What do you sell, Mr...
:'''V.M. Varga''': Rand. Daniel. I sell accounting software.
:'''Gloria Burgle''': In Brussels. Is that where you live?
:'''V.M. Varga''': Good lord, no. I'm a citizen of the air, madam. Moving, always moving.
:'''Gloria Burgle''': You don't remember me, do you?
:'''V.M. Varga''': Surmise. Because I haven't greeted you, I don't remember you.
:'''Gloria Burgle''': Do you?
:'''V.M. Varga''': We may have met once, in my younger days. [Gloria takes out the security camera picture of Varga in the storage facility's elevator] Are you familiar with the Russian saying &quot;The past is unpredictable?&quot;
:'''Gloria Burgle''': I'm pretty sure you made that up.
:'''V.M. Varga''': Possibly. But which of us can say with certainty what has occurred, actually occurred, and what is simply rumor, misinformation, opinion?
:'''Gloria Burgle''': A photograph is considered proof in a court of law.
:'''V.M. Varga''': Photographs can be doctored. One's eyes can be deceived. We see what we believe, not the other way around.
:'''Gloria Burgle''': Six people dead, including a state trooper. Two hundred million dollars unaccounted for. Those are facts. And you at the heart of the morass. What else am I supposed to see?
:'''V.M. Varga''': A man wakes up one morning and decides to kill four men over a certain age, all with the same last name.
:'''Gloria Burgle''': [laughs] That didn't happen.
:'''V.M. Varga''': And yet, if evidence is collected, if confessions are made, if a verdict of guilty is entered in a court of law, then its happening becomes as the rocks and rivers, and to argue it didn't happen is to argue with reality itself.
:'''Gloria Burgle''': Did you know Emmit Stussy was murdered? Three months ago. Killed in his own home.
:'''V.M. Varga''': Pitchfork. Peasants.
:'''Gloria Burgle''': What?
:'''V.M. Varga''': I said, it is a dangerous world for men of standing. Human beings, you see, have no inherent value other than the money they earn. Cats have value, for example, because they provide pleasure to the humans, but a deadbeat on welfare? Well, they have negative value. So ''ipso facto'', Emmit's death is more tragic than the death of a wasteling.
:'''Gloria Burgle''': [pause] That's...you can't believe that.
:'''V.M. Varga''': Oh, it's true. It's true, whether I believe it or not.
:'''Gloria Burgle''': Did you kill him?
:'''V.M. Varga''': Emmit? From Brussels?
:'''Gloria Burgle''': They got phones in Belgium, yeah? Email? Mr. Varga.
:'''V.M. Varga''': You're asking me if there are phones in Belgium?
:'''Gloria Burgle''': Let me tell you what's gonna happen next. Three agents from Homeland Security are gonna put handcuffs on you and take you to Rikers. And then we're gonna charge you with felony money laundering and six counts of conspiracy to commit murder. And then I'm gonna go home to my son. It's his birthday tomorrow, I promised I'd take him to the state fair. You ever guess a pig's weight? Or eat a deep fried Snickers bar? There's no better way to spend a Saturday in this, our great American experiment. So, while you're eating mashed potatoes from a box in a dark room, think of me, among the amber waves of grain.
:'''V.M. Varga''': [pause] No. That's not what's going to happen next. What's going to happen next is this. In five minutes, that door is going to open,  and a man you can't argue with will tell me I'm free to go. And I will stand from this chair and disappear into the world, so help me God.
:'''Gloria Burgle''': [pause, grins] Rikers, and Snickers bars.
:'''V.M. Varga''': [tuts] Agent Burgle. ''Gloria''. Trust me. The future is certain. And when it comes, you will know, without question, your place in the world. Until then, we've said all there is to say. Any further debate would be wasting our breath. And if there's one thing I can't abide, it's waste. Goodbye.

== Season 4 ==
=== ''Welcome to the Alternate Economy'' [4.01] ===

:'''Ethelrida Pearl Smutny''': Frederick Douglass once intoned, &quot;I stand before you as a thief and a robber.  I stole this head, these limbs, this body from my master and I ran off with them.&quot;  My point being, the moment our feet touched American soil, we were already criminals.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ethelrida Pearl Smutny''': Webster's defines &quot;assimilation&quot; as &quot;the process of becoming similar to something&quot;.  But imbibing these words, dear reader, we are forced to ask, similar to what?  If America is a nation of immigrants, then how does one become American?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Oraetta Mayflower''': Oh, oh, apologies.
:'''Ethelrida Pearl Smutny''': What?
:'''Oraetta Mayflower''': Oh, I was simply excusing myself.  I’m not normally this out of sorts.
:'''Ethelrida Pearl Smutny''': It’s a funeral.  People cry at funerals.
:'''Oraetta Mayflower''': Ah, amen.  Those are wise words for a person of your complexion.  But then I’ve noticed your people are often more in touch with your spiritual side and emotional side.
:'''Ethelrida Pearl Smutny''': My people?
:''[Oraetta snorts cocaine]''
:'''Oraetta Mayflower''': The Negro.  It’s a Baptist fervor, I’d wager, what causes them to hoot and tumble to the floor, aflush with the Holy Spirit.
:'''Thurman Smutny''': Miss Mayflower, I see you’ve met my daughter, Ethelrida.
:'''Oraetta Mayflower''': Your daughter?
:'''Thurman Smutny''': The one and only.  Ethelrida, this is Miss Mayflower.  She’s a nurse at St. Bartholomew.
:''[A confused Oraetta looks at the white Thurman and dark-skinned Oraetta]''
:'''Oraetta Mayflower''': Oh yeah.  Huh!  Yes, now I see it.  This child is certainly the product of miscegentation.
:'''Thurman Smutny''': Uh, if by that you mean she’s the spitting image of her father, then I take that as a compliment.
:'''Oraetta Mayflower''': Your mother must be quite dark-skinned.  As I’ve noticed in my study of the human animal, that in the combination of races, it is de rigueur for the more extreme coloration to prevail.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Loy Cannon''': This is my associate, Doctor Senator.
:'''Clayton Winckle''': You're a doctor?
:'''Doctor Senator''': No, sir.  Name's Doctor.  Doctor Senator.  It was my mother's idea.
:'''Clayton Winckle''': And what was her name?
:'''Doctor Senator''': Ma'am.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josto Fadda''': You got a funny way of talking.
:'''Oraetta Mayflower''': Yep.  I'm from Minnesota, land of 10,000 lakes.
:'''Josto Fadda''': No, I mean you use big words.
:'''Oraetta Mayflower''': Well, I've found in my 36 years on God's green Earth that it's absolutely critical to be precise in your use of language so as to avoid instances of misreckoning.

=== ''The Land of Taking and Killing'' [4.02] ===

:'''Zelmare Roulette''': Looks like you done well for yourself these years I've been away.
:'''Dibrell Smutny''': You ain't getting no handout.
:'''Zelmare Roulette''': Listen at you, acting like the big sister. Wasn't asking for money. Swanee and I got prospects.
:'''Ethelrida Pearl Smutny''': What kind of prospects?
:'''Swanee Capps''': Bank robbing.  ''[Swanee makes a finger gun gesture]'' Pa-choo, pa-choo.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Loy Cannon''': You seeing to his education?
:'''Rabbi Milligan''': I'm teaching him how the world works.
:'''Loy Cannon''': And how's that?
:'''Rabbi Milligan''': It's dog eat dog.
:'''Loy Cannon''': That's how dogs work.  Men are more complicated.
:'''Rabbi Milligan''': Not in my experience.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Milvin Gillis''': Am I getting fucked here?
:'''Josto Fadda''': Slow your roll.
:'''Milvin Gillis''': 'Cause the only reason I'm letting my daughter marry some guinea greaser is that I got ambitions: political, financial...
:'''Josto Fadda''': And here I am, hopelessly in love.
:'''Milvin Gillis''': Go fuck a state park!  You ain't getting a piece of the Gillis legacy until I got assurances you can deliver votes.  Mayors don't elect themselves and elections aren't free.
:'''Josto Fadda''': Dad?  Can I call you dad?  My pop didn't claw his way out of the plebian dynasty so that his sons could end up in middle management.  You want to be mayor?  I want my kids to be president.  So I'll get you your votes and your, uh, ''bustarella''.  But first I'm gonna slow-pump some babies into your daughter one at a time and twice on Sundays.  Now get a drink.  And try the calzone!  They're a riot.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zelmare Roulette''': ''[regarding Oraetta]'' That is one weird white lady.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Doctor Senator''': We haven't met.  I'm Doctor Senator. ''[Doctor reaches his hand out but Gaetano refuses to shake it]'' You got to give respect to get respect.
:'''Gaetano Fadda''': Is that why you Americans are so soft? All this giving and getting?  ''[in Italian]'' It's all shit. ''[in English]'' In the land of taking and killing, Gaetano is king.

=== ''Raddoppiarlo'' [4.03] ===
:'''Dick &quot;Deafy&quot; Wickware''': Captain Hanhuck, I can safely say you blasphemy more than any man I've ever met.  And I've been to Cleveland.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Doctor Senator''': I was in the legal corps.  Army.  Pushing papers. After the ceasefire, they send me to Nuremberg for the trials. Last Negro in Germany, I'd imagine. You ever heard of &quot;Double V&quot;?  It's what they sold us.  Mm-hmm.  Fight for our country and we get two victories: one for America and one for we sons of servitude. No more lynchings. No more blackjacks at the polls. So they send me to Nuremberg and this colonel tells me he's got a big job for me. Says, &quot;You're gonna interview Hermann Goring,  the Reichsmarschall himself.&quot;  Says, &quot;Days, weeks, however it long it takes to get him to talk.&quot;  Says, &quot;I need you, Doctor Senator, Esquire, to use your training, your skills to build the People's case.&quot; Well now, what is that if not the double victory, hm?  So I sit with the man for six weeks, eight hours a day, six days a week and we get into it.  The first two weeks, he just stares at me, murder in his eyes.  But I use my wiles.  You know, appeal to his ego, get him talking. Ah, soon he won't shut up. Bragging about every little thing, and I type it down and write it up for the colonel word for word. I spend two weeks crafting my conclusion, my analysis of international law. Then, one Sunday morning, after services, I knock on the colonel's door and I give him my report.  You know what he does?  Throws it in the trash.  Yeah.  400 pages with footnotes.  Throws it it in the trash and says, &quot;I just wanted to make that old Nazi squirm having to answer to a Negro.&quot; So you say respect the deal? Excuse me if I say our word is exactly as good as yours. The slaughterhouses, they belong to us. Deal or no deal.  You can call it the cost of transition.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Satchel Cannon''': Are you Jewish?
:'''Rabbi Milligan''': No.
:'''Satchel Cannon''': Then how come they call you Rabbi?  Isn't a Rabbi a Jewish priest?
:'''Rabbi Milligan''': You ever play poker? ''[Satchel shakes his head]'' But you know there's a game called poker, played with cards.  Well, there's this saying in poker: &quot;You play the hand you're dealt.&quot; You and me, we're proof of that. You see, when yours truly was a boy, he had the same thing happen to him, what happened to you.
:'''Satchel Cannon''': You got traded?
:'''Rabbi Milligan''': What?
:'''Satchel Cannon''': From baseball.  That's what my daddy said.  I got traded to another team.
:'''Rabbi Milligan''': Exactly. I got traded twice. Except, well, for you, you get to go back to your original team one day.
:'''Satchel Cannon''': Is this your original team?
:'''Rabbi Milligan''': No.  My team was shite.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Loy Cannon''': What you need, son?
:'''Dwayne''': Just rub some coins together, that's all.  Just a cup of joe.
:'''Loy Cannon''': Cup of joe?  That's why your eyes so runny? Too much Sanka? Let me see what I got for you. ''[Loy pulls out a roll of cash which Dwayne stares at in awe; Loy turns to Lemuel]'' You see that?  What happened to his face when I pull out my roll?  What do we call that, Doctor?
:'''Doctor Senator''': We call that the blight.
:'''Loy Cannon''': The blight.  See, five seconds ago this young hustler was fingering the holes in his pocket, living the now.  But then he sees this and he starts to dream. &quot;With that much cash, I can make plans! Turn my shit around!&quot;  Right?  So now he's planning months into the future, sees himself all cleaned up, fine girl on his arm.  Then what do you know?  He ain't even colored no more.  He's J.P. fucking Morgan. An American success story.  But watch this.
:''[Loy puts the money back into his pocket]''
:'''Dwayne''': ''[lunging for the money]'' Hey, hey, hey!
:''[Loy's entourage holds Dwayne back]''
:'''Loy Cannon''': You see that? I just stole from that man. Forget it weren't his money. Just seeing that much scratch, he made a future for himself.  And I took that from him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Omie Sparkman''': Girl, you got a panty on your head.

=== ''The Pretend War'' [4.04] ===
:'''Ebal Violante''': When I first come to America, I know nothing.  How to dress, what to eat.  I sleep in a closet with a stuck hanger in my jacket so I don't fall down. On the street, I hear this phrase.  You know this phrase: American values.  And I think what does it mean?  Financial values, I understand. Money, what a thing is worth.  Human values, this also makes sense.  The things we love.  Family, ''i bambini''. But this American values, land of the free, home of the brave.  This I don't know. And then I learn the history of this country. Your slavery, the smallpox in the blankets, how you stole the land from the natives.  And I realize to be an American is to pretend. ''Capisce''?   You pretend to be one thing when really you are something else.  And I can do that.  Lie.  Hide.  But what I will not do is pretend we are at peace when really we are at war.  Are we at war?
:'''Doctor Senator''': Not yet, but we're trying real hard.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Loy Cannon''': How many?
:'''Doctor Senator''': 300 semiautomatic.  Out of New York.  So either the Faddas are going into the gun business now or they're going to war with us.
:'''Loy Cannon''': Sell 200 to Mort Kellerman.
:'''Doctor Senator''': Out of Fargo?
:'''Loy Cannon''': Tell him he can have them at cost, but he owes us devotion.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Oraetta Mayflower''': Goodness.  Your mind's a clutter of grievances. Here I am talking about waterfalls and you're making a list of nemeses.
:'''Josto Fadda''': Friends or enemies.  That's the world, hm?
:'''Oraetta Mayflower''': Oraetta Mayflower's enemy to no man.
:'''Josto Fadda''': You're a dame.  Where I come from, we sleep with one eye open and a razor in our teeth.  You got any more of that fluffy whiz bang? Get my head on straight?
:'''Oraetta Mayflower''': And here I thought you liked me for my vocabulary.
:'''Josto Fadda''': Well, it's not your vocabulary that just took a ride in my lap.
:''[Josto smacks Oraetta on her behind]''
:'''Oraetta Mayflower''': Hey!  Rude! We fly elevated in this house, mister! Proper ladies and gentlemen, which is a lesson you should take to heart in your other lives. And you sleep with a mouthful of razors, it's your own throat that gets cut, believe you me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dick &quot;Deafy&quot; Wickware''': What's the ordeal upstairs?  Booze?  Gambling?  If a man's pud need a tug, would this be the place for said tugging?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Loy Cannon''': That's a lot of greenbacks, Thurman.
:'''Thurman Smutny''': Yes, sir, it is.
:'''Loy Cannon''': Where'd you get it?
:'''Thurman Smutny''': Well, sir, I'd rather not say. ''[Loy stares at him]'' It was, uh, the loss of a loved one, if you must know.  My dear Uncle Boolie.  He passed last week, left me this money, and since you were nice enough to give us that loan, I figured I should bring it you straight away.
:'''Loy Cannon''': So he left you this bag of cash.  Your uncle...what was it?
:'''Thurman Smutny''': Boolie. No, sir.  His bequeathment came in check form.  Uh, I just figured cash should be easier for you.
:'''Loy Cannon''': Thurman, Thurman.  Always thinking.  I got to tell you, I can't remember the last time a white man tried to make my life easier.
:'''Thurman Smutny''': Well, here's me, then.
:'''Loy Cannon''': Here's you. ''[Loy takes a long, suspicious stare at Thurman, making Thurman nervous]'' Well, okay! Thanks for stopping by.
:'''Thurman Smutny''': Okay then. ''[Thurman stands up]'' That's...hoo!  I got to say, I really thought you were gonna shoot me there, money or no.
:'''Loy Cannon''': I thought about it.
:'''Thurman Smutny''': ''[chuckling nervously]'' I'm gonna go now.
:'''Loy Cannon''': Good choice.
:''[Thurman heads to the door, then turns around]''
:'''Thurman Smutny''': You have a lovely home.  Uh...
:'''Loy Cannon''': Leave now.

=== ''The Birthplace of Civilization'' [4.05] ===
:'''Thurman Smutny''': Listen, this Miss Mayflower.  She's....she's not really...I mean, I'm sure she's real nice, but she's not someone you should be hanging around, huh?  We got a real precarious situation here, living outside the law and all, so...  Not to mention, I think she might've poisoned that pie she baked us.  Anyway, steer clear.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ethelrida Pearl Smutny''': Aunt Zelmare, what would you do if you saw something wrong? Something you could fix?
:'''Zelmare Routlette''': Nothing.
:'''Ethelrida Pearl Smutny''': What do you mean?
:'''Zelmare Routlette''': I mean nothing.
:'''Ethelrida Pearl Smutny''': Because you're a criminal?
:'''Zelmare Routlette''': I ain't a criminal.
:'''Ethelrida Pearl Smutny''': You're innocent, you're saying?
:'''Zelmare Routlette''': Girl, I ain't been innocent since Uncle Charlie cornered me in the shed when I was nine.
:'''Ethelrida Pearl Smutny''': Then I don't understand.
:'''Swanee Capps''': She's saying we ain't criminals.  We're outlaws.
:'''Zelmare Routlette''': See, criminals play the game.
:'''Ethelrida Pearl Smutny''': What game?
:'''Swanee Capps''': Life.  The earth.
:'''Zelmare Routlette''': Society, right? They got their rules. Banking and family. An honest dollar for an honest day's work. Politics and voting. And the criminal, he on the other side of that, but still he play the game. And if he plays it long enough, he even starts to talk about going legit.
:'''Swanee Capps''': The outlaw, on the other hand...
:'''Zelmare Routlette''': The outlaw, on the other hand, well, we reject the game.  Society.  Ain't nothing organized about our crime 'cause our crime is freedom.
:'''Swanee Capps''': No rules.
:'''Zelmare Routlette''': And nothing's ever broke and there ain't nothing to fix.
:'''Swanee Capps''': All we want is to live while we're alive and die with a gun in our hands.
:'''Zelmare Routlette''': You a bit of an outlaw.
:'''Ethelrida Pearl Smutny''': Me?
:'''Zelmare Routlette''': Yeah. Your mama sees it, too.  In the eyes.  That's why she say, &quot;Keep away.&quot;
:'''Ethelrida Pearl Smutny''': I'm not an outlaw.
:'''Swanee Capps''': Then which are you - a convict or a square?
:'''Ethelrida Pearl Smutny''': I'm not either one of those things.
:'''Zelmare Routlette''': What are you then?
:'''Ethelrida Pearl Smutny''': I'm Ethelrida Pearl Smutny.  One of a kind.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Loy Cannon''': I just came home to change my shirt.
:'''Narcissa Rivers''': Mmhmm.
:'''Loy Cannon''': What? ''[to Buel]'' What's wrong with her? Where you off to?
:'''Buel Cannon''': They arrested your son.
:'''Loy Cannon''': I know.  I'm handling it.
:'''Buel Cannon''': The same way you're handling your other son, lives in an attic with an Irishman?
:'''Loy Cannon''': Come on now, we talked about that.
:'''Buel Cannon''': We did, and there he is, eating someone else's food still.
:'''Narcissa Rivers''': Mmhmm.
:'''Loy Cannon''': Doc's gonna bail the boy out this morning.  He got his bell rung pretty good, but he's alright.
:'''Buel Cannon''': I'll get him.
:'''Loy Cannon''': He's not the only boy I got in there.  They all need bailing out.  Now, Doc's gonna sort it.
:'''Buel Cannon''': You best get out of my way.
:'''Narcissa Rivers''': Mmhmm.
:'''Loy Cannon''': ''[to Narcissa]'' You got something to say to me?
:'''Buel Cannon''': Don't take this out on mama.
:'''Loy Cannon''': You ain't going down there.
:'''Buel Cannon''': Loy Cannon, you know better than to come between a mother and her child.
:'''Loy Cannon''': I'm handling it.
:'''Buel Cannon''': Oh, you handling it.  Well, send a letter to the Pope!  You hear that, mama? Daddy's handling it!
:'''Narcissa Rivers''': Mmhmm.
:'''Buel Cannon''': I got two baby girls upstairs sleeping. You're gonna handle them, too? Maybe into the hospital or the cemetery? Pretty soon, all we're gonna have around here is a house full of clothes.
:'''Loy Cannon''': I said I'm....You like that coat you're wearing? The food you're eating? ''[to Narcissa]'' How about you, your majesty? You like the view from your room?  Your fancy blankets? Where do you think all that comes from? ''[to Buel]'' The razor's edge! What, we're supposed to get rich and stay rich?  How? By saying our prayers?  The boy went to the club and the bulls lit him up. You act like that can't happen just walking down the street. Acting like the I'm the villain when all I do is fight for this family! You don't like how it's going? You scared to take the risk?  Too bad.  We're on the ride now, and we can't get off until the roller coaster stops! Now take off your damn coat and get me some fucking coffee! ''[Buel takes off her coat and slowly walks away.  Loy turns to Narcissa]'' Can I get a &quot;mmhmm?&quot;
:'''Narcissa Rivers''': Hmph.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josto Fadda''': You know why America loves a crime story?  Because America ''is'' a crime story. But here's the rub.  When we hear a crime story, who do we root for? Not the poor sap that got taken, the victim.  No. We root for the taker.  The guy with the gat. ''[Josto imitates shooting a machine gun at the Cannon enforcers]'' See, this country loves a man who takes what he wants. Unless...unless that man looks like you. ''Capisce''?  See, Johnny Society looks at me, they see a fella who's using crime to get ahead.  But you?  All they see ''is'' crime. And that's why you're gonna lose. 'Cause I can take all the money and pussy I want and still run for president. But you? It's always gonna be the rope. Tell him it's time to surrender.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Doctor Senator''': ''[final words]'' Like I tried to tell you, I don't know how they do it in your country, but here in America, respect is earned.  Ebal, he earned my respect. But you? You... You're just boys making a mess that one day I'm gonna have to clean up. ''[Doctor stands and heads for the exit, paying the waitress]''  Thanks for the coffee, Nadine.

=== ''Camp Elegance'' [4.06] ===
:'''Loy Cannon''': I'm losing this war, Odis.  People are being taken from me.  People I trust. Things I've earned.  You see, I'm not just fighting a few Italians.  I'm fighting 400 years of history.  I'm fighting a mindset.  ''[Loy notices a large set of Hummel figurines]''  You like those dolls, huh? You collect 'em? 
:'''Odis Weff''': I, uh...
:'''Loy Cannon''': How do you think they feel, being owned?  Imagine if these dolls rose up and became citizens of this apartment.  Imagine if they asked for equal rights?  You might say, &quot;Man, fuck these dolls.  I'm gonna crush these dolls, thinking they all human, thinking they equal.&quot;  'Cause that's your mindset.  And look, maybe you feel like these Italians own you, but you got no idea what it feels like to be actual owned, to be property.  Until now.  'Cause I own you.  You're gonna help me win this war or I'm gonna put you in the ground, you hear me?
:'''Odis Weff''': Yeah, yes, I hear you.
:'''Loy Cannon''': Good.  We'll be in touch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Loy Cannon''': Now, you can say your whole life is just a series of mistakes. No big deal.  But Doctor Senator?  Now that's the one that got you killed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Oraetta Mayflower''': Dr. Harvard, I can assure you Oraetta Mayflower is a Christian citizen of the highest character.  I'm unsure even of the spelling of the word &quot;crime&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Antoon Dumini''': The Americans, when they capture me, I was cooking my belt. 
:'''Satchel Cannon''': Your belt?
:'''Antoon Dumini''': I already eat my shoes.  Monte Cassino.  They send me here, to Kansas.  Did you know they bring war prisoners here? I think I was dead. A corpse, they shipped.  A skeleton.  It was the food, the smell, that bring me back.  Fields of corn, bread for every meal.  Land of plenty.  That's in the Constitution. Every day the sun come out. That big, yellow American sun. It make me grow again, like a winter weed.  And then, I am alive again.  I took the blood oath, carve my name on the stone there.  &quot;Antoon Dumini, American.&quot;  This I would become.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rabbi Milligan''': You hurt?
:'''Satchel Cannon''': No. I-Is he dead?
:'''Rabbi Milligan''': Yes, but don't look away.  This is what men do.  Snap out of it.  We have to go.  It's war now, for real.  You're not safe here.
:'''Satchel Cannon''': Home?
:'''Rabbi Milligan''': You're not safe there, either. You trust me? ''[Satchel nods]'' I never got to choose.  A child soldier, that's what they made me.  But that's not gonna happen to you. Understand?
:'''Satchel Cannon''': I think so.
:'''Rabbi Milligan''': So we're gonna find someplace quiet, wait 'til the dust settles, and if you want to go home - if that's your choice - I'll take you home.  Understand?
:'''Satchel Cannon''': I'm scared.
:'''Rabbi Milligan''': Me too.

=== ''Lay Away'' [4.07] ===
:'''Odis Weff''': You listen to me, slick.  If I knew where your Mormon God was, I'd drive through the night and I'd stab him in the fucking eyes!  We're done.
:'''Dick &quot;Deafy&quot; Wickware''': If that's the way you want to go.  But careful how many sides you play, palomino. Even a gold coin's only got two faces.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Buel Cannon''': Can I help you?
:'''Constant Calamita''': Good afternoon.  There's a guard usually on the porch.  But not today.  How many kids in the house?
:'''Buel Cannon''': Get out of here.
:'''Constant Calamita''': Answer the question.
:'''Buel Cannon''': How about I got a question for you?
:'''Constant Calamita''': For me?
:'''Buel Cannon''': Yeah.  You ever go to the zoo?
:'''Constant Calamita''': ''[chuckles]'' Sometime.
:'''Buel Cannon''': Hmm.  You see the mama lion and her cubs?  You think she's in that cage for ''her'' protection?  ''[Buel pulls out a shotgun]''  To be fair, it's what we call a rhetorical question.  Now get the fuck out of here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ebal Violante''': First, we recognize things have gotten out of hand.  Our two families.  We recognize this and, uh, we apologize.
:'''Loy Cannon''': You apologize?
:'''Ebal Violante''': Doctor Senator-
:'''Loy Cannon''': Don't...say his name.
:'''Ebal Violante''': He was a friend of mine.  His death should not have happened, but Gaetano Fadda is the son of Donatello Fadda, chosen by New York.  His death is not allowed.
:'''Loy Cannon''': Not allowed?
:'''Ebal Violante''': I'm simply telling you how it is.  There are people you can kill, people you can't.
:'''Josto Fadda''': Eh, well...  ''[Ebal looks at Josto]'' No, I'm just saying he's more animal than people.
:'''Ebal Violante''': Hey... ''[in Italian]'' He's your bother.
:'''Josto Fadda''': Cain was Abel's brother. ''[in Italian]'' How'd that turn out?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Loy Cannon''': Elevate, don't denigrate.  That's what I tell 'em. My kids.  What do you think the Italians tell their kids?
:'''Odis Weff''': I-I don't know
:'''Loy Cannon''': Yeah, yeah, but you see it, though, right? What they're doing? Call a man an animal, keep him in the dirt.  But what if he don't grunt? What if he don't honk? What if he walks tall and stays a man?  C'mon, you know what that is.  You boys do it all the time.
:'''Odis Weff''': No, not me.
:'''Loy Cannon''': You get in the dirt yourself and you show him how to be an animal!  You show him how to hate!  You show him how to be cruel!  You kill his friends!  You murder his child.
:'''Odis Weff''': Boss...I didn't know.
:'''Loy Cannon''': They can't rise to our level, so they got to drag us down to theirs.  But it's a trap.  It's a trap, 'cause if I get in the dirt like them, that means they were right the whole time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Loy Cannon''': You know what I think? Every country has its own type of criminal.  In America, we got the confidence man.  Snake oil salesman, grifter.  He don't rob you as much as trick you into robbing yourself.  See, 'cause in America, people want to believe. They got that dream.  And a dreamer, you can fleece.

=== ''The Nadir'' [4.08] ===
:'''Loy Cannon''': Tell me.
:'''Opal Rackley''': It didn't work.  They're a team now, the brothers. So what do we do?
:'''Loy Cannon''': Fargo.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Loy Cannon''': I told those ladies no harm would come to them. That makes me accountable.
:'''Dick &quot;Deafy&quot; Wickware''': Should I tell you what I've learned about the criminal mindset?  By definition, the criminal rejects accountability, as their identity is based on getting away with things.  Similarly, the criminal - you - rejects morality and ethics, for if there is a larger right, then the criminal himself is always wrong. And you don't strike me as the type of man thinks himself wrong.
:'''Loy Cannon''': Rarely.
:'''Dick &quot;Deafy&quot; Wickware''': So there goes morality out the window, but in that vacuum, what should rush but a code. A system of rules, mostly having to do with loyalty.  And this way, the criminal detaches himself from the civilian world.
:'''Loy Cannon''': And yet, here I am.  Family man, community leader, deacon in the church.
:'''Dick &quot;Deafy&quot; Wickware''': Oh, the criminal is capable of being all those things.  But it's a ruse.  For though you claim to share the values of your wife or preacher, the Lord knows it's a disguise.  Ask me how I know for certain.
:'''Loy Cannon''': How do you know for certain?
:'''Dick &quot;Deafy&quot; Wickware''': Would a family man trade his youngest son to his enemy in exchange for power and monetary gain?
:'''Loy Cannon''': You need to leave.
:''[Opal reaches for a gun but Deafy pulls out his gun first]''
:'''Dick &quot;Deafy&quot; Wickware''': And so we circle back, inevitably, to your original statement.  To wit, I'm accountable for those ladies, murderers both, thieves and cheats. But now, since we both know the criminal is capable of love and loyalty only when it suits his own self-interest, I've come to the make the following point: It don't. Not no more. In summation, boy, if you could sacrifice your youngest, like Isaac in the Holy Book, well, then giving up two strangers to keep the might of the federal government off your back, well, now, that should be as facile as breathing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Loy Cannon''': I like you.
:'''Dick &quot;Deafy&quot; Wickware''': We Mormons are very friendly people.
:'''Loy Cannon''': No. Pretty unfriendly, really.  But it's the way you're unfriendly, like you're doing me a favor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Odis Weff''': This is...this isn't a choice.  I got a condition.  When I was a kid, the teachers said &quot;oversensitive.&quot;  The army shrink said I-I worry too much, which...How can you worry too much when you're at war?  All those things you called me - twitchy, touched - I been hearing that my whole life.  All I know is I-I feel better when I'm in charge, when I got the power. That's why I joined the force. You know, because cops have power.  So, now I'm on the street, I'm the boss.  Except, turns out, being a cop's real risky.  Risky makes me nervous.  So I'm...I make a deal with the street.  I take a few bucks, I-I look the other way.  Less risk, but also less power. So here comes that feeling again. Like I'm...I'm drowning o-on dry land.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dick &quot;Deafy&quot; Wickware''': Cheer up, palomino.  In times like these, my mind goes back to the wisest words I ever heard.  And forgive me for the blueness of the final stanza, but here it is: &quot;Behold the amazing pelican, whose beak can hold more than his belly can.  He can hold in his beak enough food for a week.  I'll be damned if I know how the hell he can.&quot;

=== ''East/West'' [4.09] ===
:&quot;Life is nothing but a competition to be the criminal rather than the victim.&quot; - Bertrand Russell

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Beachwood Indiana''': I got a wife.
:''[Rabbi turns his gun on Haskell]''
:'''Haskell Indiana''': I...I ain't married yet.  Who's gonna feed the dogs?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Rabbi and Satchel spot an incomplete billboard that reads &quot;The Future Is&quot;]''
:'''Rabbi Milligan''': The future is what?
:'''Worker''': How's that?
:'''Rabbi Milligan''': What's it gonna say?
:'''Worker''': Wait 'til it's finished, then you'll see.
:'''Rabbi Milligan''': Well...finish the damn thing already!
:'''Worker''': Moment I finish it, I'm out of a job. Plus, why do you care? It's just a sign.
:'''Rabbi Milligan''': It's the principle.  Making people live with uncertainty, it ain't right!
:'''Worker''': Send a letter to your congressman, you're so irate.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hunk Swindell''': Hey, funny you mention that. I was talking to a fella on the train, must've been, um, winter last, works in publishing. Did you know that in the original Goldilocks, it was witches, not bears? In any case, he tells me, think about this poor girl, no home of her own, just wandering the woods.  This fella said that to his mind, Goldilocks is the classic example of an outsider in search of himself. If you think about it, the story's got no ending. I mean, the bears, they get justice chasing an intruder out of their home, but for the girl? Well, she's back out in the cold.  No family, no home.  Doesn't fit in anywhere.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Rabbi discovers the complete billboard reads &quot;The Future Is Now&quot;]''
:'''Rabbi Milligan''': Hey!  Hey!  What the heck does that even mean?
:'''Worker''': Got me.  Could be a statement as to the underlying unreliability of time. Or a testimony along the lines of &quot;seize the day&quot;.  They don't pay me to write 'em, just slap 'em up.  Which I did.  And now it's done. And I find myself once more at a crossroads, unemployed.  So I suppose for me the future I once feared has arrived as predicted by this very billboard.

=== ''Happy'' [4.10] ===
:'''Oraetta Mayflower''':  What does it feel like to be so sure you're right and know that nobody cares? Hmm? I'll see you in your dreams.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Milvin Gillis''': I'm a U.S. alderman!  You can't punch a U.S. alderman!
:'''Josto Fadda''': Well, apparently, you can.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Loy Cannon''': It was blizzarding when Satchel was born. Middle of the night. Why do babies always come in the middle of the night?
:'''Opal Rackley''': It's the moon, my mama said. Babies come like the tide.
:'''Loy Cannon''': Buel birthed him in a tub with her mama.  I was downstairs with the girls.  I swear I couldn't hear a sound. My missus, passing a twelve inch head through a six inch hole.  On my best day, I'm half as tough as that. And this ain't my best day. No, siree. That's behind me, I think.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Redneck''': Hey, boy, what you doing out here all by your lonesome?  You hear me, boy?  What, you got shit in your ears?
:'''Satchel Cannon''': No.
:'''Redneck''': No what? ''[Satchel pulls out a gun]'' Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey...
:'''Satchel Cannon''': No &quot;you&quot;.  No &quot;boy&quot;.  No &quot;do what you're told&quot;.  No everything.  This is my world.  I'm the boss.  I tell you what to do.
:'''Redneck''': Hey, hey, hey...
:'''Satchel Cannon''': Now fuck off.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Oraetta Mayflower''':  Excuse me!  You take your hands off me! Police! Police!
:'''Detective''': Ma'am, we are the police.

=== ''Storia Americana'' [4.11] ===
:'''Ebal Violante''': And this is why the family business doesn't work.  Because families are crazy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Oraetta Mayflower''': They made me tell them.
:'''Josto Fadda''': I'm not talking to you.
:'''Oraetta Mayflower''': You don't have to be mean.  I've had, and I don't mind saying, as hard a 24 hours as ever been had on God's green earth.
:'''Josto Fadda''': What do you think's happening right now?  You killed us.
:'''Oraetta Mayflower''': I told the truth.
:'''Josto Fadda''': Now you tell the truth?  ''Now''?!  How about when I said help with my dad, why didn't you tell me you were a demented hag?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josto Fadda''': You don't have to do this.  Hasn't there been enough killing?
:''[Joe and Oraetta laugh]''
:'''Joe Bulo''': Wait, that a serious question?
:'''Josto Fadda''': Listen to me.  This is it, what they make us do. We're ''paisan''.  Come on.  We change our names, we eat each other, we forget.  For what?  Don't you get it, Joe?  This is a ladder, but there's nowhere to go.
:'''Joe Bulo''': Nah. Any last requests?
:'''Oraetta Mayflower''': Yeah, can you shoot him first so I can watch?
:'''Josto Fadda''': What?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Loy Cannon''': Are you kidding?  This is half our business.  You want to take half our business?  We had a deal, in the park.  WE MADE A DEAL!
:'''Ebal Violante''': Please be calm.  This is just part of the new plan.  Our national plan for the nation.  New York, Chicago, Kansas City, Miami, Texas, California.  You too are a national outfit, yes? Mm, wait, no.  You are one man in one city.  What do they say?  Big fish, small pond.  But we are the sea.  Mm, I can tell you are thinking you can just kill me the way you kill the men before. But this is a mistake because when you look at me, you don't see the man behind me and the man behind him and all the men that follow.  Forever. Mmhmm? You see them now.  The wave that never ends.  We understand each other.  Cheer up.  Look at it this way: we are not taking half, we are leaving half. You work for us now.  You do what we say or we kill you and find someone who will.  ''[in Italian]'' End of story.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ethelrida Pearl Smutny''': History is a form of memory.  But what does it mean to remember?  We think naturally of our own past, our lives day by day, and through them we see the events of our times.  We are black and white, rich and poor, foreign-born and domestic. And yet, if our pasts are separate, then aren't our histories separate, too? Segregated?  Ask yourself, who writes the books?  Who chooses what we remember and what gets forgotten? My name is Ethelrida Pearl Smutny.  This is my history report.

== Cast ==
=== Season One ===
* [[w:Billy Bob Thornton|Billy Bob Thornton]] - [[w:Lorne Malvo|Lorne Malvo]]
* [[w:Allison Tolman|Allison Tolman]] - [[w:Molly Solverson|Deputy Molly Solverson]]
* [[w:Martin Freeman|Martin Freeman]] - [[w:Lester Nygaard|Lester Nygaard]]
* [[w:Colin Hanks|Colin Hanks]] - Officer Gus Grimly

=== Season Two ===
* [[w:Patrick Wilson|Patrick Wilson]] - [[w:Lou Solverson|Lou Solverson]]
* [[w:Ted Danson|Ted Danson]] - Hank Larrson
* [[w:Jean Smart|Jean Smart]] - [[w:Floyd Gerhardt|Floyd Gerhardt]]
* [[Kirsten Dunst]] - [[w:Peggy Blumquist|Peggy Blumquist]]
* [[w:Jesse Plemons|Jesse Plemons]] - Ed Blumquist
* [[w:Jeffrey Donovan|Jeffrey Donovan]] - Dodd Gerhardt
* [[w:Bokeem Woodbine|Bokeem Woodbine]] - Mike Milligan

=== Season Three ===
* [[Ewan McGregor]] - Emmit and Ray Stussy
* [[w:Carrie Coon|Carrie Coon]] - Gloria Burgle
* [[w:Mary Elizabeth Winstead|Mary Elizabeth Winstead]] - Nikki Swango
* [[w:David Thewlis|David Thewlis]] - V. M. Varga
* [[w:Michael Stuhlbarg|Michael Stuhlbarg]] - Sy Feltz
* [[w:Shea Whigham|Shea Whigham]] - Moe Dammick

=== Season Four ===
* [[w: Chris Rock|Chris Rock]] - Loy Cannon
* [[w: Jessie Buckley|Jessie Buckley]] - Oraetta Mayflower
* E'myri Crutchfield - Ethelrida Pearl Smutny
* [[w: Jason Schwartzman|Jason Schwartzman]] - Josto Fadda
* [[w: Ben Whishaw|Ben Whishaw]] - Rabbi Milligan
* [[w: Jack Huston|Jack Huston]] - Odis Weff
* [[w: Salvatore Esposito|Salvatore Esposito]] - Gaetano Fadda
* Karen Aldridge - Zelmare Roulette

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{Official website|http://www.fxnetworks.com/fargo}}
*{{IMDb title|2802850}}
*[http://www.rottentomatoes.com/tv/fargo ''Fargo'' at Rotten Tomatoes]

[[Category:2010s American anthology TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American anthology TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American crime drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American crime drama TV shows]]
[[Category:FX shows]]
[[Category:Current shows]]
[[Category:Television programs based on films]]</text>
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    <title>Bill Nye the Science Guy</title>
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:''This article is about an educational television program. For the American science educator, see [[Bill Nye]].''

[[File:1999 Bill Nye receives Public Service Award from National Science Board.png|thumb|''[[w:Bill Nye the Science Guy|Bill Nye the Science Guy]]'' staff [[Bill Nye]] and Elizabeth Brock receiving Public Service Award from the [[w:National Science Board|National Science Board]] (1999)]]
'''''[[w:Bill Nye the Science Guy|Bill Nye the Science Guy]]''''' is an American live action educational comedy [[w:television program|television program]] that originally aired from September 10, 1993 to June 20, 1998. The half-hour show hosted by [[Bill Nye|William &quot;Bill&quot; Nye]]. The show aired on [[w:PBS Kids|PBS Kids]] and was also [[w:television syndication|syndicated]] to local stations. His show, lasted for five seasons, and aired for a total of 100 half-hour episodes. The show is frequently used in schools as an education medium, and it still airs on some PBS stations for this reason.

==Quotes==
[[File:1996 Space Sciences Laboratory Hosts Bill Nye the Science Guy.jpg|thumb|[[w:NASA|NASA]] publicizing that the [[w:Marshall Space Flight Center|Marshall Space Flight Center]] and the [[w:Space Sciences Laboratory|Space Sciences Laboratory]] hosted ''[[w:Bill Nye the Science Guy|Bill Nye the Science Guy]]'' in 1996]]
*Science rules!
**[[w:Tagline|Tagline]] of host [[Bill Nye]] on the show &amp;mdash; cited in: 
***{{cite news|via=[[w:NewsBank|NewsBank]]|page=13D|title='Bill Nye' makes science fun for kids|work=The Palm Beach Post|date=October 2, 1993|author=Paul Lomartire|location=Florida}}
***{{cite news|via=[[w:NewsBank|NewsBank]]|title=2 cool Saturday shows feed kids' curiosity about science|work=The Commercial Appeal |date= October 2, 1993|author= Tom Walter|page=C2}} 

*We're all just a bunch of bones.
**Episode about bones and muscles &amp;mdash; cited in: {{cite news|via=[[w:NewsBank|NewsBank]]|page=F01|title=Science Guy mixes fun and lessons Bill Nye combines zany humor, music and gags with solid scientific facts|work=The Philadelphia Inquirer|date=September 19, 1994|author=Susan FitzGerald}}

*Get a metal spoon - the bigger and shinier the better. A good soup spoon is best. Look at the back side - the side that won't hold any soup. Your nose is a little big, but you look like you. Now, turn it over so that you're looking at the scoop side. You're upside down? To see why this happens, think of lines of light traveling to the spoon and back to your eye. Since the spoon is curbed, the light hits it at an angle. That means it bounces off at an angle, too. The angle is sharp enough to make the top and bottom cross on the reflected light's way back to your eye.
**Episode: 'Playing with Spoons' &amp;mdash; cited in: {{cite news|via=[[w:NewsBank|NewsBank]]|page=F01|title=Science Guy mixes fun and lessons Bill Nye combines zany humor, music and gags with solid scientific facts|work=The Philadelphia Inquirer|date=September 19, 1994|author=Susan FitzGerald}}


*Anyway, here's the deal. All animals, including you and me, need oxygen to breathe. Animals breathe in oxygen, breathe out carbon dioxide; plants breathe in carbon dioxide and breathe out oxygen. So even if you're never going to eat my broccoli again, all animals, and that includes you, pal, need plants because we need oxygen to breathe.
**Episode educating children about the [[w:food chain|food chain]] &amp;mdash; cited in: {{cite news|via=[[w:NewsBank|NewsBank]]|page=G01|title=TV science fast-paced. Stimulating. Adventurous. Programs from Bill Nye the Science Guy to Beakman's World are opening young viewers' eyes|work=The Philadelphia Inquirer|location=Pennsylvania|date=April 3, 1995|author=Stephen Seplow}}

*OK, the suit's pressurized, cooling water's flowing, the breathing air is pumped in. If you think about it, it's a spaceship . . . for ONE!
**Episode about spaceflight filmed on location at [[w:Marshall Space Flight Center|Marshall Space Flight Center]], Nye discussing functions of a spacesuit &amp;mdash; cited in: {{cite news|via=[[w:NewsBank|NewsBank]]|page=A1|title=Bill! Bill! Bill!' the Science Guy taping space program |work=The Huntsville Times|location=Alabama|date=October 17, 1996|author=Martin Burkey}}

==See also==
*[[Astronomy]]
*[[Education]]
*[[Mechanical engineering]]
*[[Science]]
*[[Science education]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Bill Nye the Science Guy}}
{{Commonscat|Bill Nye the Science Guy}}
{{wikidata|Bill Nye the Science Guy}}
* [http://www.billnye.com Bill Nye, The Science Lab Official Site]
* [http://dep.disney.go.com/billnye.html Bill Nye, The Science Guy] at [[w:Disney.com|Disney.com]]
* {{IMDb title|title=Bill Nye, the Science Guy|id=0173528}}
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PwQU0QHLQ2c Episode Review &quot;The Sun&quot;, Deep Yellow's &quot;My Favorite Star&quot;.]
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8yis7GzlXNM Video (02:47)] - Epic Rap Battle of History: [[Sir Isaac Newton]] vs Bill Nye

[[Category:1990s American children's TV shows]]
[[Category:1990s American sketch comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's education TV shows]]
[[Category:Documentary television series and miniseries]]
[[Category:American TV shows with live action and animation]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:PBS Kids shows]]
[[Category:TVOntario shows]]</text>
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    <title>Bates Motel (TV series)</title>
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'''''[[w:Bates Motel (TV series)|Bates Motel]]''''' (2013–2017) is a drama thriller television series developed for television by [[w:Carlton Cuse|Carlton Cuse]]. [[w:Kerry Ehrin|Kerry Ehrin]] and [[w:Anthony Cipriano|Anthony Cipriano]] and produced by Universal Television for the cable network [[w:A&amp;E|A&amp;E]].  The series, being a &quot;contemporary prequel&quot; to [[Alfred Hitchcock]]'s 1960 film ''[[Psycho (1960 film)|Psycho]]'' (based on [[w:Robert Bloch|Robert Bloch]]'s novel of the same name), depicts the life of [[w:Norman Bates|Norman Bates]] and his mother [[w:Norma Bates|Norma]] prior to the events portrayed in the film, albeit in a modern setting. The series begins after the death of Norma's husband, when she purchases a motel located in a coastal Oregon town so she and Norman can start a new life. 
::[[Bates Motel (season 1)|Season 1]]
::[[Bates Motel (season 3)|Season 3]]
::[[Bates Motel (season 4)|Season 4]]
::[[Bates Motel (season 5)|Season 5]]

== Cast ==
* [[Vera Farmiga]] - [[w:Norma Bates (Psycho)|Norma Louise Bates/&quot;Mother&quot;]]
* [[w:Freddie Highmore|Freddie Highmore]] - [[w:Norman Bates|Norman Bates]]
* [[w:Max Thieriot|Max Thieriot]] - Dylan Massett
* [[w:Olivia Cooke|Olivia Cooke]] - Emma Decody
* [[w:Nestor Carbonell|Nestor Carbonell]] - Alex Romero
* [[w:Nicola Peltz|Nicola Peltz]] - Bradley Martin
* [[w:Kenny Johnson|Kenny Johnson]] - Caleb Calhoun
* [[w:Ryan Hurst|Ryan Hurst]] - Chick Hogan
* [[Rihanna]] - [[w:Marion Crane|Marion Crane]]
* [[Sascha Malkovich]] - [[w:Aaron Bates|Aaron Bates]]
* [[w:Brooke Smith|Brooke Smith]] - Jane Greene

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} 
*{{Official website|http://www.batesmotel.com/}}
*{{IMDb title|2188671}}

{{Psycho}}
[[Category:American prequel TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American crime drama TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Television programs based on novels]]
[[Category:A&amp;E shows]]
[[Category:Bates Motel (TV series)]]
[[Category:TV shows about dysfunctional families]]</text>
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    <title>Aqua TV Show Show</title>
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----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 1)|1]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 2)|2]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 3)|3]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 4)|4]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 5)|5]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 6)|6]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 7)|7]] | [[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1]] | [[Aqua Something You Know Whatever]] | [[Aqua TV Show Show]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force|'''Main''']]
----
&lt;br&gt;
:''Master Shake, Frylock, my little homie Meatwad''
:''Lotus on the beats, yeah we heavy in the streets''
:''Squad got the whole planet in the palm of our hands''
:''It's time for the Aqua TV-''

'''''[[w:Aqua Teen Hunger Force|Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]''''', (also known by various [[w:Aqua Teen Hunger Force#Alternative titles|alternative titles]]), (2000–15) is an [[w:animated series|animated television series]] from the [[w:Cartoon Network|Cartoon Network]]'s [[w:Adult Swim|Adult Swim]] programming block.  The show follows the exploits of three [[w:anthropomorphic|anthropomorphic]] fast food items: [[w:Master Shake|Master Shake]], the milkshake; [[w:Frylock|Frylock]], the carton of French fries; and [[w:Meatwad|Meatwad]], the aptly named wad of meat.

===Muscles===
:''[Shake picks up Meatwad on a treadmill and throws him through a wall]''
:'''Master Shake''': He said stop running on his TREADMILL! ''[Breathes heavily]''
:'''Frylock''': Damn. Uh...Shake?
:'''Master Shake''': The words you're looking for are &quot;Thank&quot; and &quot;You&quot;. Put 'em together and they make a nice sound.
:'''Frylock''': You okay out there, Meatwad?
:'''Meatwad''': No, man! He threw me through a damn wall! OOOH, He broke your treadmill.
:'''Master Shake''': So I did, Do something about it.
:'''Frylock''': No... No...
:'''Master Shake''': Yeah that's what I thought.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Shake's Muscles''': Carl! Get your fat ass out here with my muscle juice!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Shake''': Are you out of your mind? Listen, when he wakes up, he's gonna kick all our asses.
:'''Frylock''': Not me, I'll be gone. So, he'll take most of his frustration out on you, and he'll be pissed.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Shake''': So, this wooden time machine will take me back to before the muscles took over my body?
:'''Frylock''': Well, no. This is known as a veal fattening plant. So, you just get to hangout here all day and the muscles will melt away.
:'''Master Shake''': And you can do this all in one day?
:'''Frylock''': Well, a lot of days.
:'''Shake's Muscles''': Hey, turn on the lights or I'll turn on your head! I'll turn off your head! The lights will go out in your head 'cuz you'll have energy saving balls! I don't know what I'm saying here, but I'm pissed!!
:'''Frylock''': We should go.
:'''Master Shake''': Wait! You can't leave me here! What's gonna entertain me all day?!
:'''Meatwad''': Your new neighbors seem really nice.
:'''Master Shake''': Come on, they're frickin' cows!
:'''Shake's Muscles''': When I get a chance...

===The Dudies===
:'''Carl''': Go on into the kitchenette. Nuke me up a pepperoni cheddar hot sleeve.
:'''Master Shake''': Then I can be cool like-like you?
:'''Carl''': ...We'll take this one hot sleeve at a time.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Shake''': Frylock said it's cool to have responsibilities.
:'''Carl''': No. You know what I say to that? You crush responsibilities like Angus Young at Donnington! 1, 2! 1,2! Follow my Lead!
:'''Master Shake''': I'm stomping mad!
:'''Carl''': YOU ARE IN CONTROL!
:'''Master Shake''': Yeah! I'm really feeling it, Carl!
:'''Carl''': Yeah, that's right. Even though you rent, you own the place.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Shake''': Boom-chika-boom-boom!
:'''Carl''': No, you say &quot;Sweet Nectar&quot;! Remember the fundamentals!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Carl''': I don't know why they could've given us the trophies at the thing. I mean, we gotta slip all the way out to Nevada for the trophies? Come on.
:'''Master Shake''': Relax, Dad. They said the place was gonna be the shizat and that they're gonna have some kickass snacks.
:'''Carl''': You've seen the flier? They had slot machines there and they had girls that were smiling as they got out of the pool like real, you know, suggesting stuff. But I don't see no pool.
:'''Master Shake''': I see a fool. (Carl punches Shake; he sobs) Super not cool! And it hurts! And now that guy's gonna see me now and knows that I've been crying.
:'''Judge''': Hey, how's it hanging over there? Is everything &quot;cool&quot;?
:'''Master Shake''': Yeah, hay fever and allergies, they're not the bomb. So what's the deal-o with this 2 bed, 2 bath, y'all?
:'''Carl''': (sounded alarm in the background) Hey, I've seen your flier. And I don't see no slots and I don't see no sluts. But I do see...what is that? Is that a missile?
:'''Judge''': Let's go check out this spacious basement, really quick. I mean &quot;really, really quick&quot;. (Missile explosion, growls)
:'''Carl''': What's this?
:'''Judge''': Oh, this? It's a fangworm. (Fangworm growls and breaths heavily) I'mma go get everyone some hummus.

===Merlo Sauvignon Blanco===
(Master Shakes opens the front door with his key, walks in, with a puffed face, and turns on the light. He sees an angry Frylock, turns the light off, and walks away.)
:'''Frylock''': Turn them back on! (Shake turns the light back on) Where have you been?
:'''Master Shake''': You know I told you I was going to night school. For my diploma?
:'''Frylock''': Oh yeah, you're getting a PhD, alright. In Lies! You smell like clam sauce and horseradish!
:'''Master Shake''': I may have stopped by a restaurant.
:'''Frylock''': You went to the seafood restaurant, didn't you?!
:'''Master Shake''': Of course not. I know I'm allergic to shellfish and it's dangerous for me to eat.
:'''Frylock''': Well, that's good. So I guess I'll just throw away all these jumbo shrimp!
:'''Master Shake''': No, no, wait! Hang on, l-let me throw them away. I'll do it.
:'''Meatwad''': Will you throw away these lobster thermidors I've found in the bushes behind the house?
:'''Master Shake''': No, let's not get rid of those.
:'''Frylock''': And who's bib is this? Hmm?
:'''Master Shake''': I don't know. Listen, can you just wring out that cushion?
:'''Frylock''': Listen to me, Shake. The only way you can stay safe and healthy is to kick shellfish once and for all.
:'''Master Shake''': Totally will, tomorrow fresh start. I'm going cold turkey everybody.
:'''Frylock''': You keep saying that, but what happens tomorrow, huh? When a dozen oysters ain't enough, and some cool guy gives you a free prawn on the house? The next thing you know, you're out on the street. Turning tricks for crawfish, pinching the tail, sucking the head.
:'''Master Shake''' (sobs) You're right, it's time to make a change! (sobbing continues)
:'''Frylock''': Okay, we'll get you the help you need.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Merlo''': Suck Him Dry!
(Merlo, Shake, and Meatwad Leaves for Golf)
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Frylock''': Wait a minute, You're not ''The'' Mind Mosquito Are You?
:'''Mind Mosquito''': Yeah it's me Bitch!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Friendship ain't about trust. Friendship is about nunchucks.

===Banana Planet===
:'''Carl''': Awfully quiet over there... at the maniac ranch. Maybe they got monoxide poisoning. You know, maybe I should check. Make sure it happened. Ah, I'm talking to myself again. (signs fall by pool) Stay clear of &quot;rocket blast&quot;? What the hell does that mean? Meh, I'm sure it's nothing. (pool lifting) Why's my pool... why's my pool moving?! I JUST SKIMMED ALL THE PUBES OUT OF HERE!
Frylock: Seat Belts?
Master Shake: Yep!
:'''Frylock''': Okay Master Shake Meatwad All Rocket Ship are Go! Rocket is Ready! Five, Four, Three, Two, One! We have lift off, y'all! Yeah!
:'''Meatwad''': Touchdown (Carl screaming)
:'''Frylock''': You did put those signs up like I asked you to.
:'''Master Shake''': Yeah, I leaned them up. So, yes.
:'''Frylock''': What do you mean leaned them up?
:'''Master Shake''': You know, I leaned them.
:'''Frylock''': I thought I heard a scream.
:'''Meatwad''': It was like a big ol' scream.
:'''Master Shake''': In space, no I mean no one can hear you scream.
:'''Frylock''': Yeah, no one can hear you scream. Yeah, I know. This rocket is super illegal, man!

===Working Stiffs===
:'''Carl''': Someone better be dropping in here, soon. We're out of food in here!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Frylock''': I do have a Doctorate degree in biomedical hypertronics and a Masters in both cryogenic sequencing and thermite plasmatics.
:'''Interviewer''': Wow, I'm very impressed. Can you start right now?
:'''Frylock''': Yeah, uh...sure.
:'''Interviewer''': Great, great. Okay, um, here's your hairnet and gloves.
:'''Frylock''': Thanks. I just have one question about benefits. Are there any?
:'''Interviewer''': Yeah, I mean, the hairnet's beneficial. It keeps hair out of the food.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Meatwad''': Yep I can buy all the cable TV I want
:'''Carl''': What, you outta your mind? You pay money? For cable? *laughs*
:''[Master Shake, Meatwad, and Carl turn to the camera]''
:'''Master Shake, Meatwad, Carl''': You're stupid.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Meatwad''': Hey, the cable's back on!
:'''Frylock''': Yep. Gave Carl a 12-pack, drank it, then he climb up the pole and hooked up the free cable.
:'''Meatwad''': How was work, Frylock?
:'''Frylock''': Well, I got bit by a bat when I was cleaning out the ranch dressing, had to get rabies shot, got shut down by the city. So, I quit. How was your job?
:'''Meatwad''': It was cool. I've met some nice guys.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Announcer''': Better Buy customers, it is now 9:55. We will be closing in 5 minutes.
:'''Master Shake''': Turn it back on, creep! I'm watching a show here! The show where the animals on the pajamas come to life and help a little boy! That's my show man!

===Skins===
:''[The Aqua Teens have witnessed a skinless creature appear after Shake plays a pair of bongos]''
:'''Frylock''': What the hell was that thing?!
:'''Master Shake''': The rhythm created it, from probably my magic playing. Like in the um, uh the Matrixes when eh, uh you see the numbers everywhere...Well I'm actually The One.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Frylock has shot a hole in Carl's pool]''
:'''Carl''': Hey! Dumbass Patrol! How 'bout you stick your palm-palm finger in this friggin' hole? 'Cause I'm in the middle of my water aerobics ''[pops open a beer]''.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Attention greasy, dirty, stupid, long haired wackadoos, shut down your frickin' jungle music!

===Freda===
:'''Master Shake''': I was just down at the pond feedin' the ducks...baking soda and vinegar. 'Cause I heard that could, you know, potentially blow 'em up.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Master Shake''': Hey bimbo!
:'''Freda''': Oh, me?
:'''Master Shake''': Yeah! I'm talkin' to you, whore! What do you think you're doin' on my turf?
:'''Freda''': Oh, I'm just trying to explode ducks with baking soda and vinegar. ''[She releases a duck that explodes in mid-air]'' It appears we have a lot in common
:'''Master Shake''': You're a woman. Women want me. I'm what we have in common. Do you wanna hear my demo, little lady?
:'''Freda''': I would love nothing more

===Storage Zeebles===
:'''Frylock''': And you said you've &quot;Won this at an auction&quot;?
:'''Carl''': Yeah, I pay Randy $100 for everything inside. Sight unseen.
:'''Frylock''': You know, Carl, sometimes hobos will break into these things... and have like group hobo sex.
:'''Carl''': Nah-ah-ah. You ain't here to crush my dreams, Fryman. You are here to grab the other end of it, if there's like, you know King Tut's tomb or the bones of The Elephant Man or something. (Carl drops his pliers)
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Carl''': What's this piece of shit? No, thank you.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Man''': Uh, this looks a little sad for our wedding.
:'''Carl''': You're referring to the squirrel carcass, we'll run a broom through here. The real magic is what's happening in here. Paradise.
:'''Man''': This looks a little different than the pamphlet you had us look at.
:'''Carl''': Yeah, I mean, we had to clear out the forest to make room for the DJ and the dance floor. Look, it's your wedding. You're gonna be so trashed that you ain't gonna remember a thing.
:'''King Zarfonious''': Carl, There's the guy! The difficult, alcoholic giant! How are you, buddy?
:'''Carl''': Get lost, I'm with clients here.
:'''King Zarfonious''': They're gone.
:'''Carl''': Guys, think about it! Someone's booking up real fast!

===Piranha Germs===
:'''Master Shake''': ''[comes home all beat up]'' I've scored some serious sky miles!
:'''Frylock''': Man, you look terrible, Shake!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Meatwad''': Hey, you're still working on the cure, right?
:'''Frylock''': Uh, no, man. Not today.
:'''Meatwad''': Why the hell not?
:'''Frylock''': 'Cuz I don't feel like it! That's why.
:'''Meatwad''': Hey, how come we need ice? We are in a freezer, ain't we?
:'''Frylock''': Not exactly. You see while you were asleep, I brought the freezer onto a food truck. Then, had that food truck on a cargo plane, and now we're on Jurassic Island.
:'''Meatwad''': Jurassic what?! That's where all the dinosaurs are roaming around looking for human popsicles!
:'''Frylock''': Not what I've heard. Maybe I should talk to my friend, Michael Crichton. See what he has to say.
:'''Meatwad''': Yeah, you do that.

===Spacecadeuce===
:'''Ignignokt''': Attention Emory and Oglethorpe
:'''Err''': Bow to us!
:'''Ignignokt''': While you were hypersleeping we conquered your race of Plutonians and now you are our slaves
:'''Emory &amp; Oglethorpe''': What?
:'''Err''': Bow to our knees!
:'''Emory''': Ah man
:'''Ignignokt''': Yes, and as your new rulers and kings we have a new mission for you
:'''Oglethorpe''': Oh no
:'''Err''': Shush! We do the talking! ''[chugs a beer]'' And the drinking!

== External links ==
* {{imdb title||Aqua Teen Hunger Force}}	 

[[Category:Aqua Teen Hunger Force seasons]]

{| class=&quot;wikitable&quot; border=&quot;1&quot; style=&quot;width:100%; text-align: center;&quot;
| width=&quot;30%&quot; | Preceded by&lt;br&gt;'''''[[Aqua Something You Know Whatever]]'''''
| width=&quot;30%&quot; | '''''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]'' [[w:List of Aqua Teen Hunger Force episodes|seasons]]'''
| width=&quot;30%&quot; | Succeeded by&lt;br&gt;'''''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever (season 11)]]'''''
|}
{{Adult Swim}}</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Selena Gomez</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>162635</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3148045</id>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-27T09:34:38Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2402:3A80:196F:B03C:2507:7E07:8ECA:57B8</ip>
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      <comment>/* External links */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="4800" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Selena Gomez December 2010 2.jpg|thumb| The past year and a half has been really transitional for me, just personally, as well as transitioning into becoming a woman. &lt;/br&gt; ~ Selena Gomez]]
[[w:Selena Gomez|'''Selena Gomez''']] (born July 22, 1992) is an American actress and singer. Born and raised in Grand Prairie, Texas, she was first featured on the children's series Barney &amp; Friends in the early 2000s. In 2007, Gomez came to prominence after being cast in the Disney Channel television series Wizards of Waverly Place. She portrayed the starring character Alex Russo until its conclusion in 2012. She formed her band Selena Gomez &amp; the Scene after signing a recording contract with Hollywood Records in 2008; they released the studio albums Kiss &amp; Tell (2009), A Year Without Rain (2010), and When the Sun Goes Down (2011) before beginning a hiatus in 2012. She made her first solo album and final record with Hollywood Records; Star Dance (2013). She signed a contract with Interscope in 2014 and made the album Revival (2015).

== Quotes ==


'''[http://www.ryanseacrest.com/2014/11/06/selena-gomez-talks-new-single-and-justin-bieber-im-upset-when-hes-upset/ ryanseacrest.com]'''

* Honestly, music is an expression, and if you will be that voice for these girls, there are some people that feel this. This is universal.

* I was trying to figure out what I’m doing, and that was the first time I was constantly being kicked down for doing that. When I didn’t know, I just wanted to say, ‘This is what I want, this is where I am in my professional life, things changed in my personal life, things changed in my heart — everything.’ And people just thought, ‘Alright, this is what we think.’ And yeah, I made some decisions that weren’t great as well, and so did he and that’s why we went through all that to only make us better. And he has heard [the song] and he has seen the video, and it’s something that I feel like girls need hear, and it’s something I’m willing to share with people.

'''[http://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/25/arts/music/the-diverging-musical-paths-of-selena-gomez-and-miley-cyrus.html?module=Search&amp;mabReward=relbias%3Ar nytimes.com]'''

* Find me in the shadows, and pull the shades down until tomorrow. (&quot;Undercover&quot;)

*If you're broken, you do not have to stay broken.
  
* We lit the whole world up before we blew up/I still don’t know just how we screwed it up. (&quot;Love Will Remember&quot;)
** Note: about the relationship with Justin Bieber.

'''[http://edition.cnn.com/2013/07/24/showbiz/selena-gomez-stars-dance/ cnn.com]'''

* The past year and a half has been really transitional for me, just personally, as well as transitioning into becoming a woman.

* I still feel like I'm 15 sometimes and then other times, I'm wanting to feel comfortable in my body and my skin.

* I have a great family, I have great friends, and my mom is like my mama bear. She's the one that's going to tell me 'no' when everyone around me says 'yes'.

'''Speech at the AMA's 2016 when she won the 'Best Pop / Rock Female Artist' award'''

* Thank you guys so much. In 2014, this stage was the first time that I was authentically 100% honest with all of you. I think it's safe to say that most of you know a lot of my life, whether I liked it or not, and... I had to stop, because I had everything, and I was absolutely broken inside. And I kept it all together, enough to where I would never let you down, but I kept it too much together to where I let myself down. I don't want to see your bodies on Instagram. I wanna see what's in here. I'm not trying to get validation, nor do I need in anyone. All I can say from the bottom of my heart is I'm so grateful to have the opportunity to share what I love every single day with people that I love. And I have to say thank you so much to my fans because you guys are so damn loyal and I don't know what I did to deserve you. But, '''if you are broken, you do not have to stay broken'''. And if that's anything whether you respect me or not, that's one thing you should know about me, it's that I care about people, and thank you so much for this, this is for you, thank you.

== External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
[https://www.lyrics2world.com/selena-gomez/ Lyrics of Selena Gomez Online]

{{Commons category|Selena Gomez}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Gomez, Selena}}
[[Category:Singer-songwriters from the United States]]
[[Category:Women musicians]]
[[Category:Musicians from the United States]]
[[Category:Producers from the United States]]
[[Category:People from Texas]]
[[Category:Actresses from the United States]]
[[Category:Pop singers]]
[[Category:Ambassadors of the United States]]
[[Category:LGBT rights activists]]
[[Category:Activists from the United States]]
[[Category:1992 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]</text>
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      <id>3148046</id>
      <parentid>3148045</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T09:53:16Z</timestamp>
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      <minor />
      <comment>Reverted edit by [[User:2402:3A80:196F:B03C:2507:7E07:8ECA:57B8|2402:3A80:196F:B03C:2507:7E07:8ECA:57B8]] ([[User talk:2402:3A80:196F:B03C:2507:7E07:8ECA:57B8|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/2402:3A80:196F:B03C:2507:7E07:8ECA:57B8|contributions]]) to last version by Ahti-Saku</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
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      <text bytes="4724" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Selena Gomez December 2010 2.jpg|thumb| The past year and a half has been really transitional for me, just personally, as well as transitioning into becoming a woman. &lt;/br&gt; ~ Selena Gomez]]
[[w:Selena Gomez|'''Selena Gomez''']] (born July 22, 1992) is an American actress and singer. Born and raised in Grand Prairie, Texas, she was first featured on the children's series Barney &amp; Friends in the early 2000s. In 2007, Gomez came to prominence after being cast in the Disney Channel television series Wizards of Waverly Place. She portrayed the starring character Alex Russo until its conclusion in 2012. She formed her band Selena Gomez &amp; the Scene after signing a recording contract with Hollywood Records in 2008; they released the studio albums Kiss &amp; Tell (2009), A Year Without Rain (2010), and When the Sun Goes Down (2011) before beginning a hiatus in 2012. She made her first solo album and final record with Hollywood Records; Star Dance (2013). She signed a contract with Interscope in 2014 and made the album Revival (2015).

== Quotes ==


'''[http://www.ryanseacrest.com/2014/11/06/selena-gomez-talks-new-single-and-justin-bieber-im-upset-when-hes-upset/ ryanseacrest.com]'''

* Honestly, music is an expression, and if you will be that voice for these girls, there are some people that feel this. This is universal.

* I was trying to figure out what I’m doing, and that was the first time I was constantly being kicked down for doing that. When I didn’t know, I just wanted to say, ‘This is what I want, this is where I am in my professional life, things changed in my personal life, things changed in my heart — everything.’ And people just thought, ‘Alright, this is what we think.’ And yeah, I made some decisions that weren’t great as well, and so did he and that’s why we went through all that to only make us better. And he has heard [the song] and he has seen the video, and it’s something that I feel like girls need hear, and it’s something I’m willing to share with people.

'''[http://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/25/arts/music/the-diverging-musical-paths-of-selena-gomez-and-miley-cyrus.html?module=Search&amp;mabReward=relbias%3Ar nytimes.com]'''

* Find me in the shadows, and pull the shades down until tomorrow. (&quot;Undercover&quot;)

*If you're broken, you do not have to stay broken.
  
* We lit the whole world up before we blew up/I still don’t know just how we screwed it up. (&quot;Love Will Remember&quot;)
** Note: about the relationship with Justin Bieber.

'''[http://edition.cnn.com/2013/07/24/showbiz/selena-gomez-stars-dance/ cnn.com]'''

* The past year and a half has been really transitional for me, just personally, as well as transitioning into becoming a woman.

* I still feel like I'm 15 sometimes and then other times, I'm wanting to feel comfortable in my body and my skin.

* I have a great family, I have great friends, and my mom is like my mama bear. She's the one that's going to tell me 'no' when everyone around me says 'yes'.

'''Speech at the AMA's 2016 when she won the 'Best Pop / Rock Female Artist' award'''

* Thank you guys so much. In 2014, this stage was the first time that I was authentically 100% honest with all of you. I think it's safe to say that most of you know a lot of my life, whether I liked it or not, and... I had to stop, because I had everything, and I was absolutely broken inside. And I kept it all together, enough to where I would never let you down, but I kept it too much together to where I let myself down. I don't want to see your bodies on Instagram. I wanna see what's in here. I'm not trying to get validation, nor do I need in anyone. All I can say from the bottom of my heart is I'm so grateful to have the opportunity to share what I love every single day with people that I love. And I have to say thank you so much to my fans because you guys are so damn loyal and I don't know what I did to deserve you. But, '''if you are broken, you do not have to stay broken'''. And if that's anything whether you respect me or not, that's one thing you should know about me, it's that I care about people, and thank you so much for this, this is for you, thank you.

== External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Commons category|Selena Gomez}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Gomez, Selena}}
[[Category:Singer-songwriters from the United States]]
[[Category:Women musicians]]
[[Category:Musicians from the United States]]
[[Category:Producers from the United States]]
[[Category:People from Texas]]
[[Category:Actresses from the United States]]
[[Category:Pop singers]]
[[Category:Ambassadors of the United States]]
[[Category:LGBT rights activists]]
[[Category:Activists from the United States]]
[[Category:1992 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Steven Universe</title>
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'''''[[w:Steven Universe|Steven Universe]]''''' (2013–2019) is an American animated television series created by [[w:Rebecca Sugar|Rebecca Sugar]], former storyboard artist, writer, and composer for ''[[w:Adventure Time|Adventure Time]]''. It is produced by Cartoon Network Studios, and is the first show by the studio to be created by a woman. The series aired on [[w:Cartoon Network|Cartoon Network]] in North America from November 4, 2013 to January 21, 2019.

== Pilot ==
:'''Steven Universe''': You're back!
:'''Amethyst''': Hey, Steven, look at this! ''[pulls out small cackling skull]''
:'''Pearl''': Whoa! What are you, crazy?! ''[knocks the skull out of Amethyst's hand and stomps it]''
:'''Steven Universe''': What the heck was that?!
:'''Pearl''': An Electric Skull, our Crystal Palace was swarming with them.
:'''Amethyst''': They were after this. ''[takes out an hourglass from her fanny pack]''
:'''Steven Universe''': ''[entranced]'' Can I see that?
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah, sure.
:'''Pearl''': ''[interrupts]'' No! It’s extremely powerful, we shouldn't have even brought it home.
:'''Steven Universe''': Garnet! Tell Pearl to let me see the thing! ''[Garnet puts finger to his lips]''
:'''Garnet''': Shh...
:'''Steven Universe''': Aw, man! I wanna come next time! I even wrote us a song. ''[takes out ukulele]'' It’s like: ''If you’re—'' W-wait, hold on. Hmm... ''[tunes ukulele, singing]''
:''If you're evil and you're on the rise''
:''You can count on the four of us taking you down'' 
:'''Cause we're good and evil never beats us''
:''We'll win the fight and then go out for pizzas.''

:''We... are the Crystal Gems''
:''We'll always save the day''
:''And if you think we can't''
:''We'll always find a way.''

:''That's why the people of this world... believe in''
:''Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl... and Steven!''

== Seasons ==
::[[Steven Universe (season 1)|Season 1]]
::[[Steven Universe (season 2)|Season 2]]
::[[Steven Universe (season 3)|Season 3]]
::[[Steven Universe (season 4)|Season 4]]
::[[Steven Universe (season 5)|Season 5]]

== Film ==
::[[Steven Universe: The Movie]]

== Sequel Series ==
::[[Steven Universe Future]]

== Cast ==
* [[w:Zach Callison|Zach Callison]] – Steven Universe
* [[w:Estelle (musician)|Estelle]] – Garnet
* [[w:Michaela Dietz|Michaela Dietz]] – Amethyst
* [[w:Deedee Magno|Deedee Lynn Magno]] – Pearl
* [[w:Tom Scharpling|Tom Scharpling]] – Greg Universe
* Grace Rolek – Connie Maheswaran
* [[w:Shelby Rabara|Shelby Rabara]] – Peridot
* [[w:Jennifer Paz|Jennifer Paz]] – Lapis Lazuli
* [[w:Charlyne Yi|Charlyne Yi]] - Ruby
* [[w:Erica Luttrell|Erica Luttrell]] - Sapphire
* [[w:Kimberly Brooks|Kimberly Brooks]] - Jasper
* [[w:Susan Egan|Susan Egan]] – Rose Quartz/Pink Diamond
* [[w:Patti LuPone|Patti LuPone]] - Yellow Diamond
* [[w:Lisa Hannigan|Lisa Hannigan]] - Blue Diamond
* [[w:Nicki Minaj|Nicki Minaj]] - Sugilite

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} 
* {{imdb title|3061046|Steven Universe}}
* [http://www.cartoonnetwork.com/video/steven-universe/index.html Website] &lt;!-- The official show website would be a good choice here. --&gt;
* [http://animatedtv.about.com/od/cartoons-q-z/fl/Steven-Universe.htm TV Show Summary]

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[[Category:American children's animated action TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated drama TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated science fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:LGBT-related animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Cartoon Network original series]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Cartoon Network Studios]]
[[Category:TV shows about alien visitations]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about teenagers]]
[[Category:Steven Universe]]</text>
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    <title>Supernatural (season 1)</title>
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'''''[[Supernatural (American TV series)|Supernatural]]''''' (2005–2020) is a paranormal/horror/thriller/drama-themed television series on the WB Television Network (now merged with UPN into the new network The CW) that details the lives of two brothers who travel across the country in a black 1967 Chevy Impala investigating paranormal events and other unexplained occurrences.&amp;nbsp; '''[[w:Supernatural (season 1)|Season one]]''' originally aired from 13 September 2005 to 4 May 2006 on the WB. This is the only season aired on the WB.

{{center|'''Season'''&amp;nbsp; [[Supernatural (season 1)|1]] • [[Supernatural (season 2)|2]] • [[Supernatural (season 3)|3]] • [[Supernatural (season 4)|4]] • [[Supernatural (season 5)|5]] • [[Supernatural (season 6)|6]] • [[Supernatural (season 7)|7]] • [[Supernatural (season 8)|8]] • [[Supernatural (season 9)|9]] • [[Supernatural (season 10)|10]] • [[Supernatural (American TV series)|Main]]}}

==''[[w:Pilot (Supernatural)|Pilot]]'' [1.01]==
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam Winchester]]''': I swore I was done hunting for good.
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean Winchester]]''': Come on, it wasn't easy, but it wasn't that bad.
:'''Sam''': Yeah? When I told [[w:John Winchester (Supernatural)|Dad]] I was scared of the thing in my closet, he gave me a .45.
:'''Dean''': Well, what was he supposed to do?
:'''Sam''': I was nine years old. He was supposed to say, &quot;Don't be afraid of the dark.&quot;
:'''Dean''': Don't be afraid of the dark? What, are you kidding me? Of course you should be afraid of the dark! You know what's out there!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': I swear, man, you gotta update your cassette tape collection.
:'''Dean''': Why?
:'''Sam''': Well, for one, they're cassette tapes. And two: [[w:Black Sabbath|Black Sabbath]], [[w:Motörhead|Motörhead]], [[w:Metallica|Metallica]]?! It's the greatest hits of mullet rock.
:'''Dean''': Well, house rules, Sammy. Driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cake hole.
:'''Sam''': You know, Sammy is a chubby twelve-year-old. It's Sam, okay?
:'''Dean''': Sorry, I can't hear you. The music's too loud. 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': You can pretend all you want, Sammy. But sooner or later you're going to have to face up to who you really are.
:'''Sam''': And who is that?
:'''Dean''': One of us.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Hey, Dean. What I said earlier, about [[w:Mary Winchester (Supernatural)|Mom]] and Dad, I'm sorry.
:'''Dean''': ''[holds up hand to stop Sam]'' No chick flick moments.
:'''Sam''': Alright... jerk.
:'''Dean''': Bitch.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sheriff Pierce''': So you want to give us your real name?
:'''Dean''': I told you, it's Nugent. [[w:Ted Nugent|Ted Nugent]].
:'''Sheriff Pierce''': I'm not sure you realize just how much trouble you're in here.
:'''Dean''': We talking, like, misdemeanor kind of trouble? Or, uh... &quot;squeal like a pig&quot; trouble?

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 1)#ep2|Wendigo]]'' [1.02]==
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': We cannot let that Haley girl go out there.
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Oh yeah? What are we gonna tell her? She can't go into the woods because of a big scary monster?
:'''Sam''': Yeah.
:'''Dean''': Her brother's missing, Sam. She's not just gonna sit this out. Now, we go with her, we protect her, and we keep our eyes peeled for our fuzzy predator-friend.
:'''Sam''': Finding [[w:John Winchester (Supernatural)|Dad]]'s not enough? ''[slams trunk]'' Now we gotta babysit, too?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Haley Collins''': And you're hiking out in biker boots and jeans?
:'''Dean''': Well, sweetheart, I don't do shorts.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': You wanna tell me what's goin' on in that freaky head of yours?
:'''Sam''': Dean...
:'''Dean''': No, you're not fine. You're like a powder keg, man; it's not like you. I'm supposed to be the belligerent one, remember?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': This is why. ''[holds up their dad's journal]'' This book. This is Dad's single most valuable possession. Everything he knows about every evil thing is in here. And he's passed it on to us. I think he wants us to pick up where he left off, you know, saving people, hunting things — the family business.
:'''Sam''': That makes no sense. Why, why doesn't he just call us? Why doesn't he tell us what he wants; tell us where he is?
:'''Dean''': I dunno. But the way I see it, Dad's given us a job to do and I intend to do it.
:'''Sam''': Dean, no. I gotta find Dad. I gotta find Jessica's killer. It's the only thing I can think about.
:'''Dean''': Okay, alright, Sam; we'll find them, I promise. Listen to me. You've gotta prepare yourself. I mean, this search could take a while, and all that anger, you can't keep it burning over the long haul, it's gonna kill you. You gotta have patience, man.
:'''Sam''': How do you do it? How does Dad do it?
:'''Dean''': Well, for one, them. ''[looks over at Haley and her brother]'' I mean, I figure our family's so screwed to hell; maybe we can help some others. Makes things a little bit more bearable. I'll tell you what else helps: killing as many evil sons of bitches as I possibly can. 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Haley''': Must you cheapen the moment?
:'''Dean''': ''Yeah.''

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 1)#ep3|Dead In The Water]]'' [1.03]==
:'''Andrea Barr''': ''[looking at Dean]''  Must be hard with your sense of direction — never being able to find your way to a decent pickup line.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': &quot;Kids are the best&quot;?  You don't even like kids.
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': I love kids.
:'''Sam''': Name three children that you even know.
:''[Dean thinks; Sam begins to walk away; Dean scratches his head]''
:'''Dean''': I'm thinking!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': So, crayons is more your thing? That's cool. Chicks dig artists. Hey, these are pretty good. You mind if I sit and draw with you for a while? I'm not so bad myself. You know, I'm thinking you can hear me, you just don't want to talk. I don't know exactly what happened to your dad, but I know it was something real bad. I think I know how you feel. When I was your age, I saw something... anyway... well, maybe you don't think anyone will listen to you, or uh... or believe you. I want you to know that I will. You don't even have to say anything, you could draw me a picture about what you saw that day with your dad on the lake. 
:'''Lucas Barr''': ''[continues drawing]''
:'''Dean''': Okay, no problem. This is for you. ''[hands Lucas the picture he drew]'' This is my family. ''[points to the people he drew]'' That's my dad. That's my mom. That's my geek brother, and that's me. Alright, so I'm a sucky artist. I'll see you around, Lucas.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': ''[To Andrea about Lucas]'' Kids are strong. You'd be surprised what they can deal with.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''':  You're scared. It's okay, I understand. See, when I was your age, I saw something real bad happen to my mom and I was scared, too. I didn't feel like talking, just like you. But see, my mom — I know she wanted me to be brave. I think about that every day. And I do my best to be brave. And maybe your dad... wants you to be brave, too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': ''[puts a box of sandwiches in car]'' All right, if you're gonna be talking now, this is a very important phrase, so I want you to repeat it back to me one more time.
:'''Lucas''': [[w:Led Zeppelin|Zeppelin]] rules!
:'''Dean''': That's right. Up high. ''[raises hand for a high-5]'' You take care of your mom, okay?
:'''Andrea''': ''[kisses Dean]'' Thank you.
:'''Dean''': ''[embarrassed]'' Sam, move your ass. We're gonna run out of daylight before we hit the road.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 1)#ep4|Phantom Traveler]]'' [1.04]==
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': So what, all of this never keeps you up at night? ''[Dean shakes his head]'' Never. You're never afraid?
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': ''[shakes head again]'' No, not really. ''[Sam reaches under Dean's pillow, pulls out knife]'' That's not fear. That is precaution.
:'''Sam''': Alright, whatever. I'm too tired to argue.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Yeah, I know what an EMF meter is, but why does that one look like a busted up walkman?
:'''Dean''': ''[proudly]'' 'Cause that's what I made it out of. It's homemade. 
:'''Sam''': ''[sarcastically]'' Yeah, I can see that. 
:''[Dean looks hurt]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Alright, it's time for plan B. We're getting on that plane.
:'''Dean''': Wha...what? Now just hang on a second—
:'''Sam''': Dean, that plane is leaving with over a hundred passengers on board, and if we're right, that plane is gonna crash.
:'''Dean''': I know.
:'''Sam''': Well, okay. Then we're getting on the plane, we need to find that demon, and exorcise it. Look, I'll get the tickets and you just go get whatever you can from the trunk, whatever will get past security, meet me back here in five minutes. ''[Dean looks shocked]'' You okay?
:'''Dean''': No, not really.
:'''Sam''': What? What's wrong?
:'''Dean''': Well, I kinda have this problem with, um... ''[makes the movement of plane taking off with his hands]''
:'''Sam''': Flying?
:'''Dean''': It's never really been an issue until now.
:'''Sam''': You're joking, right?!
:'''Dean''': Do I look like I'm joking? Why do you think I drive everywhere, Sam?
:'''Sam''': Alright, uhh... I'll go.
:'''Dean''': What?!
:'''Sam''': I'll do this one on my own.
:'''Dean''': Are you nuts? You said it yourself: the plane's gonna crash.
:'''Sam''': Look, Dean, we can do it together, I can do this one by myself. I'm not seeing a third option here.
:'''Dean''': Come on! Really? Man...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Just try to relax.
:'''Dean''': Just try to shut up.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Are you humming [[w:Metallica|Metallica]]?
:'''Dean''': Calms me down.
:'''Sam''': Look, man, I get you're nervous, alright, but you gotta stay focused. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': What if she's already possessed?
:'''Dean''': There's ways to test that. I brought holy water.
:'''Sam''': No, I think we can go more subtle. If she's possessed she'll flinch at the name of God.
:'''Dean''': Uhh, nice. ''[stands]''
:'''Sam''': Hey!
:'''Dean''': What?
:'''Sam''': Say it in Latin.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, I know. ''[begins to leave]''
:'''Sam''': Hey!
:'''Dean''': What?!
:'''Sam''': Uhh...in Latin, it's ''Christo''.
:'''Dean''': Dude, I know, I'm not an idiot.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 1)#ep5|Bloody Mary]]'' [1.05]==
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Hey, night vision? ''[Dean switches the camera to night vision mode]'' Thanks, perfect. ''[looks at Dean through digital camera's night vision]'' 
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Do I look like [[w:Paris Hilton|Paris Hilton]]?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Dean''': Alright, you know what? That's it. ''[pulls car over, turns to face Sam]'' This is about Jessica, isn't it? ''[Sam says nothing]'' You think that's your dirty little secret? That you killed her somehow? ''[Sam is silent]'' Sam, this has got to stop, man. I mean the nightmares and, and, and calling her name out in the middle of the night. It's gonna kill you. Now listen to me, ''it wasn't your fault''. If you want to blame something, then blame the thing that killed her. ''[still no response from Sam]'' Alright, why don't you take a swing at me? I mean, I'm the one who dragged you away from her in the first place.
:'''Sam''': I don't blame you.
:'''Dean''': Well, you shouldn't blame yourself, 'cause there was nothing you could've done.
:'''Sam''': I could have warned her.
:'''Dean''': About what? You didn't know it was gonna happen. And besides, all of this isn't a secret. I know all about it. It's not gonna work with Mary anyway.
:'''Sam''': No, you don't.
:'''Dean''': I don't what?
:'''Sam''': You don't know all about it. I haven't told you everything.
:'''Dean''': ''[looks slightly confused]'' What are you talking about?
:'''Sam''': Well, it wouldn't really be a secret if I told you, would it?
:'''Dean''': ''[shocked]'' No... I don't like it. It's not gonna happen. Forget it.
:'''Sam''': Dean, that girl back there is going to die unless we do something about it. And you know what? Who knows how many more people are going to die after that? Now, we're doing this. You've got to let me do this.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Dean''': ''[after surveying room full of broken mirrors]'' Hey, Sam?
:'''Sam''': Yeah?
:'''Dean''': This has gotta be like, what, 600 years bad luck?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Sam''': Charlie? ''[Charlie turns around]'' Your boyfriend's death. You really should try to forgive yourself. No matter what you did, you probably couldn't have stopped him. Sometimes bad things just happen. ''[Charlie acknowledges, leaves]''
:'''Dean''': ''[taps Sam on shoulder; he turns around]'' That's good advice.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Dean''': Hey, Sam?
:'''Sam''': Yeah?
:'''Dean''': Now that this is all over, I want you to tell me what that secret was.
:'''Sam''': Look, you're my brother. And I'd die for you. But there are some things I need to keep to myself.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 1)#ep6|Skin]]'' [1.06]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': ...then head south, Bisbee by midnight. ''[seeing no reaction from Sam]'' Sam wears women's underwear.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': I hate to say it, but that's exactly what I'm talking about. You lied to your friends because if they knew the real you, they'd be freaked. It's just... it'll be easier if...
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': ...I was like you.
:'''Dean''': Hey, man, like it or not, we are not like other people. But I'll tell you one thing. This whole gig, ''[takes out gun]'' it ain't without perks.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Shapeshifter as Dean''': I am your brother. See, deep down, I'm just jealous. You got friends. You could have a life. Me? I know I'm a freak. And sooner or later, everybody's gonna leave me. ''[backs away]'' 
:'''Sam''': What are you talkin' about? 
:'''Shapeshifter as Dean''': You left. Hell, I did everything [[w:John Winchester (Supernatural)|Dad]] asked me to, and he ditched me, too. No explanation, nothin', just poof. Left me with your sorry ass.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': That better be you, Sam, and not that freak of nature.
:'''Sam''': Yeah, it's me. He went to Becca's...looking like you.
:'''Dean''': Well, he's not stupid; he picked the handsome one.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Sorry, man.
:'''Sam''': About what?
:'''Dean''': I really wish things could be different, you know? I wish you could just be...Joe College.
:'''Sam''': Nah, it's okay. You know, truth is even at Stanford, deep down, I never really fit in.
:'''Dean''': Well, that's 'cause you're a freak.
:'''Sam''': Yeah, thanks.
:'''Dean''': Well, I'm a freak too. I'm right there with you all the way.
:'''Sam''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah, I know you are.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 1)#ep7|Hook Man]]'' [1.07]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Your, uhh, half-caff double vanilla latte's getting cold over here, Francis.
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Bite me.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': I told him you were a dumbass pledge and that we were hazing you.
:'''Sam''': What about the shotgun?
:'''Dean''': I said that you were hunting ghosts and spirits were repelled by rock salt. You know, typical [[w:Hazing in Greek letter organizations|Hell Week]] prank.
:'''Sam''': And he believed you?
:'''Dean''': Well, you look like a dumbass pledge.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[at a frat party]''
:'''Dean''': Man, you've been holding out on me: this college thing is awesome!
:'''Sam''': This wasn't really my experience.
:'''Dean''': Let me guess: libraries, studying, straight As. ''[Sam nods]''  What a geek.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': ''[digging up Karn]'' That's it! Next time, I get to watch the cute girl's house.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[preparing to search]''
:'''Dean''': Alright, take your pick.
:'''Sam''': I'll take the house.
:'''Dean''': Okay. Hey, stay out of her underwear drawer.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 1)#ep8|Bugs]]'' [1.08]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Hunting's our day job. And the pay is crap.
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Yeah, but hustling pool, credit card scams... it's not the most honest thing in the world, Dean.
:'''Dean''': Well, let's see. ''[weighs the two]'' Honest... fun and easy. ''[pause]'' It's no contest. Besides, we're good at it; it's what we were raised to do.
:'''Sam''': Yeah, well, how we were raised was jacked.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Supposedly died from [[w:Creutzfeldt–Jakob disease|Creutzfeldt–Jakob disease]].
:'''Dean''': ''[confused]'' Huh?
:'''Sam''': Human Mad Cow Disease.
:'''Dean''': Mad Cow... wasn't that on ''[[w:The Oprah Winfrey Show|Oprah]]''?
:'''Sam''': You watch ''Oprah''?
:''[Dean looks embarrassed]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Larry Pike''': Let me just say. We accept home owners of any race, religion, color, or... sexual orientation.
:'''Dean''': We're brothers.
:''[later, another agent approaches the Winchesters]''
:'''Linda Bloome''': Well let me just say we accept home owners of any race, religion, color, or... sexual orientation.
:'''Dean''': Right. Um, I'm going to go talk to Larry. Okay, Honey? ''[smacks Sam on the butt]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': ''[looking over at Larry scolding his son]'' Remind you of somebody? 
:''[Dean looks over at them]''
:'''Sam''': Dad?
:'''Dean''':  Dad never treated us like that.
:'''Sam''': ''[Chuckles]'' Well, dad never treated ''you'' like that. You were perfect. He was all over ''my'' case. 
:''[Dean shook his head like he doesn't know what Sam is talking about]''
:'''Sam''': You don't remember?
:'''Dean''': Maybe he had to raise his voice, but sometimes you were out of line.
:'''Sam''': ''[Chuckles]'' Right. Right, like when I said I'd rather play soccer than learn bow hunting. 
:'''Dean''': Bow hunting's an important skill.
:'''Sam''': Whatever.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Hey, so, with that kid back there- How could you tell him to just ditch his family like that?
:'''Sam''': Just, uh, I know what the kid's going through.
:'''Dean''': How about telling him to respect his old man? How's that for advice.
:'''Sam''': Dean, come on. This isn't about ''his'' old man. You think I didn't respect [[w:John Winchester (Supernatural)|Dad]]. That's what this is about.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': I respected him. But no matter what I did, it was never good enough.
:'''Dean''': So what are you saying? That dad was disappointed in you?
:'''Sam''': Was? ''Is'' ...always has been.
:'''Dean''': Why would you think that?
:'''Sam''': Because I didn't want to bow hunt... or hustle pool, because I wanted to go to school and live my life, which in our whacked-out family made me the freak.
:'''Dean''': You were kinda like the blonde chick in ''[[w:The Munsters|The Munsters]]''.
:'''Sam''': Dean, you know what most dads are when their kids score a full ride? Proud. Most dads don't toss their kids out of the house.
:'''Dean''': I remember that fight. In fact, I seem to recall a few choice phrases comin' out of your mouth.
:'''Sam''': You know, truth is, when we finally do find Dad... I don't know if he's even gonna wanna see me.
:'''Dean''': Sam, Dad was never disappointed in you. Never. He was scared.
:'''Sam''': What are you talking about?
:'''Dean''': He was afraid of what could've happened to you if he wasn't around. But even when you two weren't talkin' ...he used to swing by [[w:Stanford University|Stanford]] whenever he could. Keep an eye on you. Make sure you were safe.
:'''Sam''': What?
:'''Dean''': Yeah.
:'''Sam''': Why didn't you tell me any of that?
:'''Dean''': Well, it's a two-way street, dude. You could've picked up the phone.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Joe White Tree? ''[the man nods]'' We'd like to ask you a few questions, if that's all right.
:'''Dean''': We're students from the university.
:'''Joe White Tree''': No, you're not. You're lying.
:'''Dean''': ''[seems taken aback]'' Um, well, truth is—
:'''Joe''': You know who starts sentence with &quot;truth is&quot;? Liars. ''[Dean exchanges a look with Sam]''
:'''Sam''': Have you heard of Oasis Plains? It's a housing development near the Atoka Valley.
:'''Joe''': ''[to Dean]'' I like him. He's not a liar.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': I want to find Dad.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, me too.
:'''Sam''': Yeah, but I just... I want to apologize to him.
:'''Dean''': For what?
:'''Sam''': All the things I said to him. He was just doing the best he could.
:'''Dean''': Well, don't worry, we'll find him. And you'll apologize.. and then within five minutes, you guys will be at each other's throats.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 1)#ep9|Home]]'' [1.09]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': ''[to his Dad's voicemail]'' [[w:John Winchester (Supernatural)|Dad]], I know I've left you messages before. I don't even know if you get 'em. But I'm with [[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]] and we're in [[w:Lawrence, Kansas|Lawrence]] and there's something in our old house. I don't know if it's the thing that killed [[w:Characters_of_Supernatural#Mary_Winchester|Mom]] or not... but... ''[tears up]'' I don't know what to do. So whatever you're doing, if you could get here... please. I need your help, Dad.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Missouri Moseley''': Alright then, don't you worry about a thing, your wife is crazy about you. 
:'''Client''': Thank you. ''[client leaves]'' 
:'''Missouri''': Whoo, poor bastard. His woman is cold-banging the gardener.
:'''Dean''': Why didn't you tell him?
:'''Missouri''': People don't come here for the truth, they come for good news.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Missouri''': Sam, oh honey. I'm sorry about your girlfriend. And your father... he's missing.
:'''Sam''': How'd you know all that?
:'''Missouri''': Well, you were just thinking it, just now.
:'''Dean''': Where is he? Is he okay?
:'''Missouri''': I don't know.
:'''Dean''': Don't know? You're supposed to be a psychic, right?
:'''Missouri''': Boy, you see me sawing some bony tramp in half?! You think I'm a magician?! I may be able to read thoughts and sense energies in a room but I can't just pull facts out of thin air. Sit! Please. ''[everyone sits]'' Boy, you put your foot on my coffee table, I'm gonna whack you with a spoon!
:'''Dean''': I didn't do anything!
:'''Missouri''': Well you were thinking about it!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Mom?
:'''[[w:Mary Winchester (Supernatural)|Mary Winchester]]''': Dean. Sam. I'm sorry.
:'''Sam''': For what?
:'''Mary''': ''[to poltergeist]'' You get out of my house. And let go of my son.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Missouri''': That boy... he has such powerful abilities. Why he couldn't sense his own father, I have no idea. 
:'''[[w:John Winchester|John Winchester]]''': Mary's spirit—do you really think she saved the boys? 
:'''Missouri''': I do. John Winchester, I could just slap you. Why won't you go talk to your children? 
:'''John''': I want to. You have no idea how much I wanna see 'em. But I can't. Not yet. Not until I know the truth!

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 1)#ep10|Asylum]]'' [1.10]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Let me know if you see any dead people, [[w:Haley Joel Osment|Haley Joel]]. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Hey, [[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]], who do you think is a hotter psychic? [[w:Medium (TV series)|Patricia Arquette]], [[w:Ghost Whisperer|Jennifer Love Hewitt]], or you?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Dean... When are we going to talk about it? 
:'''Dean''': Talk about what?
:'''Sam''': About the fact that Dad's not here.
:'''Dean''': Oh, uh, let's see, never.
:'''Sam''': I'm being serious, man.
:'''Dean''': So am I, Sam. Look, he sent us here. He obviously wants us here. We'll just have to pick up the search later.
:'''Sam''': It doesn't matter what he wants.
:'''Dean''': See, that attitude right there, that is why I always got the extra cookie.
:'''Sam''': Dad could be in trouble. We should be looking for ''him''. We deserve some answers, Dean. I mean, this is our family we're talking about!
:'''Dean''': I understand that, Sam. But he's given us an order.
:'''Sam''': So what? We've always got to follow dad's orders?
:'''Dean''': Of course we do.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kat''': Hey, Gavin?
:'''Gavin''': Yeah?
:'''Kat''': If we make it out of here alive, we are so breaking up.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Sam, put the gun down.
:'''Sam''': ''[possessed by Dr. Sanford Ellicott]'' Is that an order?
:'''Dean''': No, it's more of a friendly request.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Sam has woken up after Dean has burned Ellicott's bones]''
:'''Dean''': You're not gonna try to kill me, are you? 
:'''Sam''': No. 
:'''Dean''': Good. 'Cause that would be awkward.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 1)#ep11|Scarecrow]]'' [1.11]==
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Dean, if this demon killed [[w:Mary Winchester (Supernatural)|Mom]] and [[w:Jessica Moore (Supernatural)|Jess]], and [[w:John Winchester (Supernatural)|Dad]]'s closing in, we've gotta be there. We've gotta help.
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Dad doesn't want our help!
:'''Sam''': Well, I don't care.
:'''Dean''': He's given us an order.
:'''Sam''': ''[firmly]'' I don't care. We don't always have to do what he says.
:'''Dean''': Sam, Dad is asking us to work jobs, to save lives. It's important.
:'''Sam''': Alright, I understand. Believe me, I understand. But I'm talking one week here, man, to get answers. To get revenge.
:'''Dean''': All right, look, I know how you feel.
:'''Sam''': Do you? ''[Dean seems shocked at Sam's tone]'' How old were you when Mom died? Four? Jess died six months ago. How the hell would you know how I feel?
:'''Dean''': Dad said it wasn't safe. For any of us. I mean, he obviously knows something that we don't. So if he says to stay away, we stay away! 
:'''Sam''': I don't understand the blind faith you have in the man. I mean, it's like you don't even ''question'' him.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, it's called being a good son! ''[Sam exits car, starts getting his stuff out of trunk. Dean gets out too]'' You're a selfish bastard, you know that? You just do whatever you want. Don't care what anybody thinks.
:'''Sam''': That's what you really think?
:'''Dean''': Yes, it is.
:'''Sam''': ''[scoffs]'' Well, then this selfish bastard is going to California. ''[Starts walking away]''
:'''Dean''': Come on, you're not serious.
:'''Sam''': I am serious.
:'''Dean''': It's the middle of the night! Hey, I'm taking off, I will leave your ass, you hear me?
:'''Sam''': ''[Stops walking and looks at Dean]'' That's what I want you to do.
:'''Dean''': Goodbye, Sam.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': The scarecrow climbed off its cross?
:'''Dean''': I'm telling you, Burkitsville, [[w:Indiana|Indiana]]: Fun Town.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': I hope your apple pie's freakin' worth it!
:'''Emily''': So, what's the plan?
:'''Dean''': I'm working on it.
:''[several hours later]''
:'''Emily''': You don't have a plan, do you?
:'''Dean''': I'm working on it...
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': How'd you get here?
:'''Sam''': I, uh, stole a car.
:'''Dean''': ''[laughs]'' That's my boy!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': So, I drop you off somewhere?
:'''Sam''': No, I think you're stuck with me.
:'''Dean''': What made you change your mind?
:'''Sam''': I didn't. I still want to find Dad... and you're still a pain in the ass. But Jess and Mom... they're both gone. Dad is God-knows-where. You and me. We're all that's left. So, uh, if we're gonna see this through... we're gonna do it together.
:'''Dean''': Hold me, Sam. That was beautiful.
:'''Sam''': You should be kissing my ass; you were dead meat, dude.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, right. I had a plan; I'd have gotten out.
:'''Sam''': Right.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 1)#ep12|Faith]]'' [1.12]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Have you ever actually watched daytime T.V.? It's terrible.
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': ''[sighs]'' I talked to your doctor.
:'''Dean''': That fabric softener teddy bear. Oooh! I'm gonna hunt that little bitch down.
:'''Sam''': Dean.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, alright. Well, it looks like you're going to leave town without me.
:'''Sam''': What are you talking about? I'm not going to leave you here.
:'''Dean''': Hey, you better take care of that car or I swear I'll haunt your ass.
:'''Sam''': I don't think that's funny.
:'''Dean''': Ah, come on. It's a little funny. ''[pause]'' Look, Sammy, what can I say, man? It's a dangerous gig. I drew the short straw. That's it, end of story.
:'''Sam''': Don't talk like that, alright. We still have options.
:'''Dean''': What options? You got burial or cremation. I know it's not easy, but I'm gonna die and you can't stop it.
:'''Sam''':  Watch me.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': I'm not gonna die in a hospital where the nurses aren't even hot.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': God save us from half the people who think they’re doing God’s work.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': The guy is playing God - he’s deciding who lives and who dies. That’s a monster in my book. 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': You're not gonna let me die in peace, are you?
:'''Sam''': I'm not gonna let you die, period! We're going!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Why? Why me? Out of all the sick people, why save me?
:'''Roy Le Grange''': Well, like I said before, the Lord guides me. I looked into your heart, and you just stood out from all the rest. 
:'''Dean''': What did you see in my heart?
:'''Roy''': A young man with an important purpose. A job to do. And it isn't finished.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Dean''': Hey, I'm not much the prayin' type, but... I'm gonna pray for you.
:'''Layla Rourke''': Well, there's a miracle right there.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 1)#ep13|Route 666]]'' [1.13]==
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': You mean you dated someone? For more than one night?
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Am I speaking a language you're not getting here?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': You ''told'' her?! You told her?! The secret? Our big family rule number one: we do what we do and we shut our mouths about it? For a year and a half, I do nothing but lie to [[w:Jessica Moore (Supernatural)|Jessica]] and you go out with this chick in Ohio a couple of times and you tell her everything? ''[Dean is silent]'' ''Dean!''
:'''Dean''': Yeah! Looks like...
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': And you think this vanishing truck ran him off the road?
:'''Cassie Robinson''': ''[embarrassed]'' When you say it aloud like that. Listen, I'm a little skeptical about this... ghost stuff, or whatever it is you guys are into.
:'''Dean''': ''[chuckling]'' Skeptical. Yeah, if I remember, you said it was nuts.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Oh, and you might also want to mention that other thing.
:'''Dean''': What other thing?
:'''Sam''': The serious unfinished business. Dean, what is going on between you two?
:'''Dean''': Alright, so maybe we were a little bit more involved than I said.
:'''Sam''': Oh, okay.
:'''Dean''': Okay, a lot more. Maybe. And I told her the secret about what we do, and I shouldn't have.
:'''Sam''': No, look, man, everybody's gotta open up to someone, sometime.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, I don't. It was stupid to get that close, and look how it ended. Would you stop? Blink or something.
:'''Sam''': You loved her.
:'''Dean''': Oh, God.
:'''Sam''': You were in love with her, but you dumped her. Oh, wow. She dumped you.
:'''Dean''': Get in the car.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': So, I guess I saved you from a boring existence.
:'''Sam''': Occasionally I miss boring.
:'''Dean''': Alright, so this killer truck...
:'''Sam''': I miss conversations that didn't start with &quot;this killer truck&quot;.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 1)#ep14|Nightmare]]'' [1.14]==
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Well, I know one thing I have in common with these people.
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': What's that?
:'''Sam''': Both our families are cursed.
:'''Dean''': Our family's not cursed. We just... had our dark spots.
:'''Sam''': ''[chuckles]'' Our dark spots are pretty dark.
:'''Dean''': You're... dark.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': We're not gonna kill Max.
:'''Dean''': Then what? I hand him over to the cops and say, &quot;Lock him up, officer; he kills with the power of his mind.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Well, I'll tell you one thing. We're lucky we had [[w:John Winchester (Supernatural)|Dad]].
:'''Dean''': I never thought I'd hear you say that.
:'''Sam''': Well, he could've gone a whole 'nother way after [[w:Mary Winchester (Supernatural)|Mom]]. A little more tequila, a little less demon-hunting, and we would've had Max's childhood. All things considered, we turned out okay — thanks to him.
:'''Dean''': All things considered.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Aren't you worried, man; aren't you worried that I could turn into Max or something?
:'''Dean''': Nope. No way. You know why?
:'''Sam''': No. Why?
:'''Dean''': 'Cause you've got one advantage that Max didn't have.
:'''Sam''': Dad? Because Dad's not here, Dean.
:'''Dean''': No. Me. ''[smiles]'' As long as I'm around, nothing bad is gonna happen to you. Now then, I know what we need to do about your premonitions. I know where we have to go.
:'''Sam''': Where?
:'''Dean''': Vegas. ''[Sam 'harrumphs', walks out]'' What? Come on, man! Craps table? We'd clean up!

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 1)#ep15|The Benders]]'' [1.15]==
:'''Deputy Kathleen Hudak''': So, Gregory.
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Yeah.
:'''Deputy Kathleen''': I ran your badge number. It's routine when we're working a case with State Police, for accounting purposes and what have you.
:'''Dean''': Mmhmm.
:'''Deputy Kathleen''': And, uh, they just got back to me... says here your badge was stolen. And there's a picture of you. ''[turns screen towards Dean, on which there is a picture of a portly, black police officer]''
:'''Dean''': ''[long silence]'' I lost some weight. And I got that [[w:Michael Jackson|Michael Jackson]] skin disease.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Pa Bender''': But the best hunt is human. Oh, there's nothin' like it. Holdin' their life in your hands. Seein' the fear in their eyes just before they go dark. Makes you feel powerful alive.
:'''Dean''': You're a sick puppy.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Pa Bender''': Tell me, any other cops gonna come lookin' for you?
:'''Dean''': Eat me. Oh, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait — you actually might.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Demons, I get... But ''people'' are crazy
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Pa Bender''': You hurt my family, I'm gonna bleed you, bitch.
:'''Deputy Kathleen''': You killed my brother.
:'''Pa Bender''': Your brother. ''[laughs]'' Now I see.
:'''Deputy Kathleen''': Just... just tell me why.
:'''Pa Bender''': Because it's fun. ''[laughs again]''
:''[Deputy Kathleen shoots him]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Don't ever do that again.
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Do what?
:'''Dean''': Go missing like that.
:'''Sam''': You were worried about me!
:'''Dean''': All I'm saying, you vanish like that again, I'm not looking for you.
:'''Sam''': Sure you won't.
:'''Dean''': I'm not.
:'''Sam''': So, you got sidelined by a thirteen-year-old girl, huh?
:'''Dean''': Oh, shut up.
:'''Sam''': I'm just saying, getting a little rusty there, kiddo?
:'''Dean''': Shut up!

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 1)#ep16|Shadow]]'' [1.16]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': I talked to the bartender.
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Did you get anything.... besides her number?
:'''Dean''': Dude, I'm a professional. I'm offended that you would think that. ''[smiles and chuckles as he displays a napkin with her phone number]'' ...All right.
:'''Sam''': You mind doing a little bit of thinking with your upstairs brain, Dean?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Look, I'm just saying, that there's something about this girl that I can't quite put my finger on.
:'''Dean''': But I bet you'd like to. Maybe she's not a suspect, maybe... maybe you've got a thing for her, huh? Maybe you're thinking a little too much with your upstairs brain, huh?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': What are you gonna do?
:'''Sam''': I'm gonna watch [[w:Meg Masters|Meg]].
:'''Dean''': ''[laughing]'' Yeah, you are.
:'''Sam''': I just wanna see what's what. Better safe than sorry. 
:'''Dean''': All right, you little pervert.
:'''Sam''': Dude. 
:'''Dean''': I'm goin', I'm goin'.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': You wanna go back to school? 
:'''Sam''': Yeah, once we're done with the huntin' the thing. 
:'''Dean''': Huh. 
:'''Sam''': Why, is there somethin' wrong with that? 
:'''Dean''': No. No, it's, uh, great. Good for you. 
:'''Sam''': I mean, what are you gonna do when it's all over? 
:'''Dean''': It's never gonna be over. There's gonna be others. There's always gonna be somethin' to hunt. 
:'''Sam''': But there's got to be somethin' that you want for yourself— 
:'''Dean''': Yeah, I don't want you to leave the second this thing's over, Sam. 
:'''Sam''': Dude, what's your problem? 
:'''Dean''': Why do you think I drag you everywhere? Huh? I mean, why do you think I came and got you at [[w:Stanford University|Stanford]] in the first place? 
:'''Sam''': 'Cause [[w:John Winchester (Supernatural)|Dad]] was in trouble. 'Cause you wanted to find the thing that killed [[w:Mary Winchester (Supernatural)|Mom]]. 
:'''Dean''': Yes, that; but it's more than that, man. You, me, and Dad. I want us to be... be together again. To be a family again.
:'''Sam''': Dean. We are a family. I'd do anything for you. But things will never be the way they were before.
:'''Dean''': Could be.
:'''Sam''': I don't want them to be. I'm not going to live this life forever. Dean, when this is all over, you're gonna have to let me go my own way.
:''[Dean looks sad]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Hey, Sam...?
:'''Sam''': Hmm?
:'''Dean''': Next time you want to get laid... find a girl that's not so buckets-of-crazy, huh?

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 1)#ep17|Hell House]]'' [1.17]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Oh, what's the matter, Sammy, you afraid you gonna get a little [[w:Nair (hair removal)|Nair]] in your shampoo again, huh?
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': All right. Just remember, you started it.
:'''Dean''': Oh, bring it on, baldy. 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': And after his time, too. The reversed cross has been used by Satanists for centuries, but this sigil of sulfur didn't show up in [[w:San Francisco|San Francisco]] until the sixties.
:'''Dean''': ''[looks at Sam strangely]'' This is exactly why you never get laid.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Sam and Dean walk up to Hell House, notice an ambulance and police cars parked around it]''
:'''Dean''': What happened?
:'''Man''': Couple of cops say that poor girl hung herself in the house.
:'''Sam''': Suicide?
:'''Man''': Yeah. But she was a straight-A student. And a full ride to [[w:University of Texas at Austin|UT]], too. It just don't make sense. ''[walks off]''
:'''Sam''': What are you thinking?
:'''Dean''': I'm think maybe we missed something.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Characters of Supernatural#Ed Zeddmore and Harry Spangler|Ed Zeddmore]]''': This stuff right here — this is our ticket to the big time. Fame, money, sex. With girls, okay? Be brave. Okay, WWBD. What would [[w:Buffy Summers|Buffy]] do? Huh?
:'''[[w:Characters of Supernatural#Ed Zeddmore and Harry Spangler|Harry Spangler]]''': What would Buffy do? I don't know, but, Ed, she's stronger than me. 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[after Ed and Harry leave, explaining they have to meet a producer for rights to a movie]''
:'''Dean''': ''[laughing]'' Wow.
:'''Sam''': I have a confession to make.
:'''Dean''': What's that?
:'''Sam''': I, uh, I was the one who called them and told them I was a producer. ''[both laugh]''
:'''Dean''': Well, I'm the one who put the dead fish in their back seat.
:''[both laugh]''
:'''Sam''': Truce?
:'''Dean''': Yeah, truce... at least for the next hundred miles.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 1)#ep18|Something Wicked]]'' [1.18]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Well, maybe [[w:John Winchester (Supernatural)|he]]'s gonna meet us there.
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': ''[scoffs]'' Yeah, 'cause he's been ''so'' easy to find up to this point.
:'''Dean''': You're a real smartass, you know that? ''[pauses]'' Don't worry, I'm sure there's something in [[w:Fitchburg, Wisconsin|Fitchberg]] worth killing.
:'''Sam''': Yeah? What makes you so sure?
:'''Dean''': Because I'm the oldest... which means I'm always right.
:'''Sam''': No, it doesn't.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, it totally does.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Sam''': I'm surprised you didn't draw on him right there.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, well, first of all, I'm not gonna open fire in a freakin' pediatrics ward.
:'''Sam''': Good call.
:'''Dean''': Second, it wouldn't have done any good 'cause the bastard's bullet-proof unless he's chowing down on something; and, third, I wasn't packing, which is probably a really good thing, 'cause I probably would have just burned a clip in him on principle alone.
:'''Sam''': Getting wise in your old age, Dean.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Michael''': You said you're a big brother.
:'''Dean''': Yeah.
:'''Michael''': You'd take care of your little brother? You'd do anything for him?
:'''Dean''': Yeah, I would.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Hey, Dean, I'm sorry.
:'''Dean''': ''[looks confused]'' For what?
:'''Sam''': You know. I know I've given you a lot of crap for always following Dad's orders. But I know why you do it.
:'''Dean''': Oh, God... kill me now.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Dean''': Well, we'll be right in the next room. We're gonna come in with guns, so as soon as we do, you roll off this bed and you crawl under it.
:'''Michael''': What if you shoot me?
:'''Dean''': ''[shakes head]'' We won't shoot you. We're good shots. We're not gonna fire until you're clear, okay? ''[Michael nods]'' Have you heard a gunshot before?
:'''Michael''': Like in the movies?
:'''Dean''': This is gonna be a lot louder than in movies, so I want you to stay under the bed, cover your ears. Do not come out 'til we say so, you understand?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Sam''': It's too bad.
:'''Dean''': No, they'll be fine.
:'''Sam''': It's not what I meant. I meant Michael. ''[pauses]'' He'll always know that there are things out there in the dark. He'll never be the same, you know? Sometimes I wish that...
:'''Dean''': What?
:'''Sam''': I wish I could have that kind of innocence.
:'''Dean''': ''[pauses]'' If it means anything, sometimes I wish you could, too.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 1)#ep19|Provenance]]'' [1.19]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': ''[about Sarah Blake]'' Alright, you like her; she likes you. You're both consenting adults.
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': What's the point, Dean? We'll just leave! We always leave.
:'''Dean''': Well, I'm not talking about marriage, Sam.
:'''Sam''': You know what, I don't get it. What do you care if I hook up?
:'''Dean''': 'Cause then maybe you wouldn't be so cranky all the time. You know, seriously, Sam, this isn't about just hooking up, okay? I mean, I—I think that this Sarah girl could be good for you. And I don't mean any disrespect, but I'm—I'm sure that this is about [[w:Jessica Moore (Supernatural)|Jessica]], right? Now, I don't know what it's like to lose somebody like that, but I would think that she would want you to be happy; God forbid, have fun once in a while. Wouldn't she?
:'''Sam''': Yeah, I know she would. Yeah, you're right — part of this is about Jessica, but not the main part.
:'''Dean''': What's it about? ''[Sam is silent]'' Yeah, alright. 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Sarah, you saw that painting move.
:'''Sarah Blake''': No, no I—I was seeing things. It's impossible.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, well, welcome to our world.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sarah''': Look, I know losing someone you love- it's terrible. You shut yourself off. Believe me, I know. But when you shut out pain... You shut out everything else too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': What kind of house doesn't have salt? Low sodium freaks!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sarah''': So, why did the girl do it?
:'''Sam''': Killing others, killing herself. Some people are just born tortured. So when they die, their spirits are just as dark.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 1)#ep20|Dead Man's Blood]]'' [1.20]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': &quot;Vampires nest in groups of eight to ten. Smaller packs are sent out to hunt for food. Victims are taken to the nest, where the pack keeps them alive, bleeding them for days or weeks.&quot; Wonder if that's what happened to that 911 couple.
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': That's probably what [[w:John Winchester (Supernatural)|Dad]]'s thinking. ''[sullenly]'' 'Course, it'd be nice if he just ''told us'' what he thinks.
:'''Dean''': So it is starting.
:'''Sam''': What?
:'''Dean''': Sam, we've been looking for dad all year. Now we're not with him for more than a couple hours and there's static already?
:'''Sam''': ''[scoffs]'' No. Look, I'm happy he's okay, alright? And I'm happy that we're all working together again.
:'''Dean''': Well, good.
:'''Sam''': ...It's just the way he treats us, like we're ''children''.
:'''Dean''': ''[rolls eyes]''  Oh, God.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Sam angrily stops the car in front of John's truck. Sam and John angrily get out of their vehicles and walk over to each other.'']
:'''Dean''': Oh, crap. Here we go. ''[Gets out of the car too]'' Sam!
:'''John''': What the hell was that?
:'''Sam''': We need to talk.
:'''John''': About what?
:'''Sam''': About everything! Where are we going, Dad? What's the big deal about this gun?
:'''Dean''': Sammy, come on! We can Q&amp;A after we kill all the vampires.
:'''John''': Your brother's right. We don't have time for this.
:'''Sam''': Last time we saw you, you said it was too dangerous to be together. Now, out of the blue, you need our help. Obviously, something big's going down, and we want to know what!
:'''John''': Get back in the car.
:'''Sam''': No.
:'''John''': I said get back in the damned car.
:'''Sam''': Yeah, and I said, &quot;No.&quot;
:'''Dean''': Alright. You made your point, tough guy. Look, we're all tired. We can talk about this later. 
:[''Dean grabs Sam and pushes him away from John.'']
:'''Dean''': Sammy, I mean it. Come on.
:'''Sam''': ''[Muttering; his back towards John]'' This is why I left in the first place.
:'''John''': What'd you say?
:'''Sam''': ''[turns to John]'' You heard me.
:'''John''': Yeah, ''you'' left. Your brother and me- we needed you. You walked away, Sam. ''[Grabs Sam]'' You walked away!
:'''Dean''': Stop it! Both of you!
:'''Sam''': You're the one who said, &quot;Don't come back,&quot; Dad. ''You're'' the one that closed that door, not me!!   ''[yells]''  You were just pissed off you couldn't control me anymore!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Sam and John angrily get into their vehicles after their fight. Dean throws up his hands.'']
:'''Dean''': Terrific. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''John''': Sammy.
:'''Sam''': Yeah?
:'''John''': I don't think I ever told you this, but the day you were born, you know what I did?
:'''Sam''': No.
:'''John''': I put a hundred bucks into a savings account for you. I did the same thing for your brother. It was a college fund. And every month I'd put in another hundred dollars, until... Anyway, my point is, Sam, that... This is never the life I wanted for you.

:[''Later'']

:'''Sam''': Hey, Dad? Whatever happened to that college fund?
:'''John''': Spent it on ammo.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''John''': You gotta understand somethin'. After your mother passed, all I saw was evil... Everywhere. And all I cared about was.. was keeping you boys alive. I wanted you prepared. Ready. So somewhere along the line, I, uh... I stopped being your father. And I-- I became your.. your drill sergeant. 
:[''Sam walks over to sit by John'']
:'''John''': So when you that said you wanted to go away to school.. All I could think about, my only thought was.. That you were gonna be alone. Vulnerable. Sammy, it just-- It never occurred to me what you wanted. I just couldn't accept the fact that you and me...we're just different. 
:[''Sam chuckles'']
:'''John''': What?
:'''Sam''': We're not different. Not anymore. With what happened to mom and Jess... ''[laughs]'' ... We probably have a lot more in common than just about anyone.
:'''John''': I guess you're right, Son. ''[smiles]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kate (the vampire)''': Car trouble? Let me give you a lift.. take you back to my place.
:'''Dean''': I'll pass. I usually draw the line at necrophilia.
 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': What happens if you die? Dad, what happens if you die and we coulda done something about it? You know, I've been thinking, and I think maybe Sammy's right about this one. We should do this together. We're stronger as a family, Dad; we just are, you know it.
:'''John''': We're running out of time. You do your job and you get out of the area. That's an order.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''John''': So, boys.
:'''Sam''': Yes, Sir.
:'''John''': You ignored a direct order back there.
:'''Sam''': Yes, Sir.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, but we saved your ass.
:'''John''': You're right..
:'''Dean''': I am?
:'''John''': It scares the hell out of me. You two are all I've got. But I guess we ''are'' stronger as a family. So...we go after this damned thing...together.
:'''Sam and Dean''': Yes, Sir.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 1)#ep21|Salvation]]'' [1.21]==
:'''[[w:Meg Masters|Meg]]''': Well, I've lied....a lot. I've stolen. I've lusted. And the other day I met this man — a nice guy, you know? And we had a really good chat....sort of like this. Then I slit his throat and ripped his heart out through his chest. Does that make me a bad person?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': For the last time, what happened to them is not your fault.
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Yeah, you're right, it's not my fault; but it's my problem!
:'''Dean''': No, it's not your problem; it's ''our'' problem!
:'''[[w:John Winchester|John]]''': Okay. That's enough.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Dean, uh, I want to thank ya.
:'''Dean''': For what?
:'''Sam''': For everything. You've always had my back, you know. Even when I couldn't count on anyone, I could always count on you. And, uh, I don't know, I just wanted to let you know, just in case.
:'''Dean''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, you kidding me?
:'''Sam''': What?
:'''Dean''': Don't say &quot;just in case something happens to you&quot;; I don't want to hear that freaking speech, man. Nobody's dying tonight, not us, not that family, nobody. Except that demon. That evil son of a bitch ain't getting any older than tonight, you understand me?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Meg''': John, you made it. Too bad, really. I was hoping to kill more of your friends.
:'''John''': Sorry to disappoint.
:'''Meg''': I can see where your boys get their good looks. But I must admit, considering what they say about you, I thought you'd be...taller. ''[John says nothing]'' Well, aren't you the chatty one? You wanna get to business? Fine. Why don't you hand over the gun?
:'''John''': If I give you the gun, how do I get out of here?
:'''Meg''': Well, if you're as good as they say you are, I'm sure you'll figure something out.
:'''John''': Maybe I'll just shoot you.
:'''Meg''': You wanna shoot me, baby? Go ahead. It won't end anything. There's more where I came from.
:...
:'''Meg''': You're dead, John. Your boys are dead.
:'''John''': I never used the gun, how could I know it wouldn't work?
:'''Meg''': I am so not in the mood for this, I've just been shot!
:'''John''': Well then, I guess you're lucky the gun wasn't real.
:'''Meg''': That's funny, John. We're gonna strip the skin from your bones, but that was funny.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': If you had just let me go in there, I could have ended all this.
:'''Dean''': Sam, the only thing you would have ended was your life.
:'''Sam''': You don't know that.
:'''Dean''': So, what, you're just willing to sacrifice yourself, is that it?
:'''Sam''': Yeah. Yeah, you're damned right I am.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, well, that's not gonna happen — not as long as I'm around.
:'''Sam''': What the hell are you talkin' about, Dean? We've been searching for [[w:Azazel (Supernatural)|this demon]] our whole lives. It's the only thing we've ever cared about.
:'''Dean''': Sam, I wanna waste it. I do, okay? But it's not worth dyin' over.
:'''Sam''': What?
:'''Dean''': I mean it. If huntin' this demon means you gettin' yourself killed, then I hope we never find the damned thing!
:'''Sam''': That thing killed [[w:Jessica Moore (Supernatural)|Jess]]! That thing killed [[w:Mary Winchester (Supernatural)|Mom]]!
:'''Dean''': You said yourself once...that no matter what we do, they're gone. And they're never comin' back. 
:'''Sam''': Don't you say that! Don't you — not after all this, don't you say that!
:'''Dean''': ''[emotionally]'' Sammy, look...the three of us — that's all we have. And that's all I have. Sometimes I feel like I'm barely holdin' it together, man. Without you and Dad...

==''[[w:Devil's Trap|Devil's Trap]]'' [1.22]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': To tell you the truth, I wasn't sure if we should come.
:'''[[w:Bobby Singer|Bobby]]''': Nonsense. Your [[w:John Winchester (Supernatural)|daddy]] needs help.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, but last time we saw you, I mean, you did threaten to blast him full of buckshot. Cocked the shotgun and everything.
:'''Bobby''': Yeah, well, what can I say? John just has that effect on people.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Meg Masters|Meg]]''': No more crap, okay? ''[demonically throws Dean against the wall]'' I want the Colt, Sam — the [[w:Supernatural (U.S. TV series)#The Colt|real Colt]]. Right now.
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': We don’t have it on us. We buried it.
:'''Meg''': Didn't I say, &quot;No more crap&quot;? I swear, after everything I heard about you Winchesters, I've got to tell you, I'm a little underwhelmed. First, Johnny tries to pawn off a fake gun, and then he leaves the real gun with you two chuckleheads. Lackluster men. I mean, did you really think I wouldn't find you?
:'''Dean''': Actually, we were counting on it. ''[gestures to the demon trap above her]'' Gotcha.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dean''': You and Dad are a lot more alike then I thought, you know that? You both can't wait to sacrifice yourself for this thing, but you know what? I'm gonna be the one to bury you.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''John (possessed by [[w:Azazel (Supernatural)|the yellow-eyed demon]])''': He's gonna taste the iron in your blood.
:'''Dean''': Let him go, or I swear to God...
:'''John (possessed by the yellow-eyed demon)''': What? What are you and God gonna do? You see as far as I'm concerned, this is justice. You know that little exorcism of yours? That was my daughter. 
:'''Dean''': Who, Meg?
:'''John (possessed by the yellow-eyed demon)''': The one in the alley? That was my boy. You understand?
:'''Dean''': You've got to be kidding me.
:'''John (possessed by the yellow-eyed demon)''': What? You the only one that can have a family? You destroyed my children. How would you feel if I killed your family? Oh, that's right, I forgot I did. Still, two wrongs don't make a right.
:'''Dean''': You son of a bitch.
:'''Sam''': I wanna know why. Why'd you do it?
:'''John (possessed by the yellow-eyed demon)''': You mean why'd I kill [[w:Mary Winchester (Supernatural)|Mommy]] and pretty little [[w:Jessica Moore (Supernatural)|Jess]]?
:'''Sam''': Yeah.
:'''John (possessed by the yellow-eyed demon)''': ''[to Dean]'' You know I never told you this, but Sam was going to ask her to marry him. Been shopping for rings and everything. You wanna know why? Because they got in the way.
:'''Sam''': In the way of what?
:'''John (possessed by the yellow-eyed demon)''': My plans for you, Sammy — you, and all the children like you.
:'''Dean''': Listen, you mind just getting this over with, because I really can't stand the monologuing.
:'''John (possessed by the yellow-eyed demon)''': Funny. But that's all part of your M.O., isn't it? Mask all that nasty pain, mask the truth.
:'''Dean''': Oh, yeah? What's that?
:'''John (possessed by the yellow-eyed demon)''': You know you fight, and you fight for this family — but the truth is, they don't need you, not like you need them. Sam, he's clearly John's favorite. Even when they fight, it's more concern than he's ever shown you.
:'''Dean''': I bet you're real proud of your kids, too, huh? Oh wait, I forgot, I wasted them.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''John''': Killing this demon comes first. Before me, before everything.
:'''Sam''': ''[looks at wounded Dean]'' No, Sir. Not before everything.

==Cast==
===Starring===
*[[w:Jared Padalecki|Jared Padalecki]] as [[w:Sam Winchester|Sam Winchester]] (22 episodes)
*[[w:Jensen Ackles|Jensen Ackles]] as [[w:Dean Winchester|Dean Winchester]] (22 episodes)
===Guest stars===
*[[w:Jeffrey Dean Morgan|Jeffrey Dean Morgan]] as [[w:John Winchester (Supernatural)|John Winchester]] and [[w:Azazel (Supernatural)|Azazel]] (8 episodes)
*[[w:Nicki Aycox|Nicki Aycox]] as [[w:Meg Masters|Meg]] (4 episodes)
*[[w:Adrianne Palicki|Adrianne Palicki]] as [[w:Jessica Moore (Supernatural)|Jessica Moore]] (2 episodes)
*[[w:Samantha Smith (actress)|Samantha Smith]] as [[w:Mary Winchester (Supernatural)|Mary Winchester]] (2 episodes)
*[[w:Sebastian Spence|Sebastian Spence]] as Tom (2 episodes)
*[[w:A. J. Buckley|A. J. Buckley]] as [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Ed Zeddmore and Harry Spangler|Ed Zeddmore]] (1 episode)
*[[w:Travis Wester|Travis Wester]] as [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Ed Zeddmore and Harry Spangler|Harry Spangler]] (1 episode)
*[[w:Jim Beaver|Jim Beaver]] as [[w:Bobby Singer|Bobby Singer]] (1 episode)

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{imdb title|0460681|Supernatural}}
*[http://www.supernaturalwiki.com Supernatural Wiki]
*[http://www.supernaturaltv.info Watch Supernatural]

{{center|'''Season'''&amp;nbsp; [[Supernatural (season 1)|1]] • [[Supernatural (season 2)|2]] • [[Supernatural (season 3)|3]] • [[Supernatural (season 4)|4]] • [[Supernatural (season 5)|5]] • [[Supernatural (season 6)|6]] • [[Supernatural (season 7)|7]] • [[Supernatural (season 8)|8]] • [[Supernatural (season 9)|9]] • [[Supernatural (season 10)|10]] • [[Supernatural (American TV series)|Main]]}}

[[Category:Supernatural (U.S. TV series) seasons]]</text>
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    <title>Supernatural (season 2)</title>
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'''''[[Supernatural (American TV series)|Supernatural]]''''' (2005–2020) is a paranormal/horror/thriller/drama-themed television series on the WB Television Network (now merged with UPN into the new network The CW) that details the lives of two brothers who travel across the country in a black 1967 Chevy Impala investigating paranormal events and other unexplained occurrences.&amp;nbsp; '''[[w:Supernatural (season 2)|Season two]]''' originally aired from 28 September 2006 to 17 May 2007 on the CW. This is the first season aired on the CW.

{{center|'''Season'''&amp;nbsp; [[Supernatural (season 1)|1]] • [[Supernatural (season 2)|2]] • [[Supernatural (season 3)|3]] • [[Supernatural (season 4)|4]] • [[Supernatural (season 5)|5]] • [[Supernatural (season 6)|6]] • [[Supernatural (season 7)|7]] • [[Supernatural (season 8)|8]] • [[Supernatural (season 9)|9]] • [[Supernatural (season 10)|10]] • [[Supernatural (American TV series)|Main]]}}

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 2)#ep23|In My Time Of Dying]]'' [2.01]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Come on, Dad. You've got to help me. I've gotta get better, I've gotta get back in there. You haven't called a soul for help, you haven't even ''tried''. Aren't you going to do anything, aren't you even going to say anything?! I've done everything you've ever asked me, ''everything''. I've given everything I've ever had. Now you're just going to sit there and you're gonna watch me die? What the hell kind of father are you?!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Tessa''': I just think, whatever's going to happen is going to happen. It's out of my control; it's just fate.
:'''Dean''': That's crap. You always have a choice. You can either roll over and die or you can keep fighting, no matter what.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Hey. I think maybe you're around, and if you are, don't make fun of me for this, but, um, there's one way we can talk. 
:''(Sam pulls out a &quot;Mystical Talking Board&quot;)''
:'''Dean''': Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
:'''Sam''': Dean? Dean, are you here?
:'''Dean''': God, I feel like I'm at a slumber party.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Dean, are you here? Couldn't find anything in the book. I don't know how to help you. But I'll keep trying, alright? As long as you keep fighting. I mean, come on, you can't— you can't leave me here alone with Dad, we'll kill each other, you know that. Dean, you gotta hold on. You can't go, man, not now. We were just starting to be brothers again. Can you hear me?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:John Winchester|John]]''': How you feeling, dude?
:'''Dean''': Fine, I guess. I'm alive.
:'''John''': That's what matters.
:'''Sam''': Where were you last night?
:'''John''': I had some things to take care of.
:'''Sam''': Well, that's specific.
:'''Dean''': Come on, Sam.
:'''Sam''': Did you go after the Demon? 
:'''John''': No.
:'''Sam''': You know, why don't I believe you right now?
:'''John''': Can we not fight? You know, half the time we're fighting I don't know what we're fighting about. We're just butting heads. Look, Sammy I've, I've made some mistakes. But I've always done the best I could. I just don't want to fight anymore, okay?
:'''Sam''': Dad, are you all right?
:'''John''': Yeah... Yeah, I'm just a little tired. Hey, Sam, would you mind, uh, do you mind getting me a cup of caffeine?
:'''Sam''': Yeah. Yeah, sure.
:'''Dean''': What is it?
:'''John''': You know when... when you were a kid, I'd come home from a hunt. And after what I'd seen, I'd be... I'd be wrecked. And you... you'd come up to me and you, you'd put your hand on my shoulder and you'd look me in they eye and you'd... you'd say 'It's okay, Dad.' Dean, I'm sorry.
:'''Dean''': Why?
:'''John''': You shouldn't have had to say that to me. I-I should've been saying that to you. You know, I put- I put too much on your shoulders. I made you grow up too fast. You took care of Sammy, you took care of me. You did that. And you didn't complain, not once. I just want you to know that I am so proud of you.
:'''Dean''': This really you talking? 
:'''John''': Yeah. Yeah, it's really me.
:'''Dean''': Why you saying this stuff?
:'''John''': I want you to watch out for Sammy, okay?
:'''Dean''': Yeah Dad, you know I will. You're scaring me.
:'''John''': Don't be scared, Dean. ''[whispers something in his ear]''

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 2)#ep24|Everybody Loves A Clown]]'' [2.02]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Stop it, Sam.
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Stop what?
:'''Dean''': Stop askin' if I need anything, stop askin' if I'm okay. I'm okay. Really. I promise.
:'''Sam''': All right. Dean, it's just... we've been at Bobby's for over a week now and you haven't brought up Dad once.
:'''Dean''': You know what, you're right. Come here. I'm gonna lay my head gently on your shoulder. Maybe we can cry, and hug and maybe even slow dance. 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': [''looking around Harvelle's, the barrel of a rifle is placed against his back''] Oh, God, please let that be a rifle.
:'''[[w:Jo Harvelle|Jo]]''': Nah, I'm just real happy to see you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mr. Cooper''': You two have never worked a show in your lives before, have you?
:'''Dean''': Nope. But we really need the work. So... and ah, Sam here's got a thing for the bearded lady.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': I just think it's really interesting, this sudden obedience you have to Dad. It's like, &quot;Oh, what would Dad want me to do?&quot; Sam, you spent your entire life sluggin' it out with that man. I mean, hell, you picked a fight with him the last time you ever saw him, and now that he's dead, now you want to make it right? Well, I'm sorry, Sam, but you can't. It's too little, too late.
:'''Sam''': Why are you sayin' this to me?
:'''Dean''': Because I want you to be honest with yourself about this! I'm dealin' with Dad's death! Are you?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': You were right.
:'''Dean''': About what?
:'''Sam''': About me and Dad. I'm sorry that the last time I was with him, I tried to pick a fight. I'm sorry that I spent most of my life angry at him. I mean, for all I know, he died thinkin' that I hate him. So, you're right. What I'm doin' right now - it is too little. It's too late. ''[pause]'' I miss him, man. And I feel guilty as hell. ''[He is on the verge of tears.]'' And I'm not all right. Not at all. ''[pause]'' But neither are you. That much I know. I'll let you get back to work. ''[He leaves.]''

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 2)#ep25|Bloodlust]]'' [2.03]==
:''[Dean is overjoyed to have his Impala back]''
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': You know, if you two wanna get a room, just let me know, Dean.
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': ''[to the Impala]'' Oh, don't listen to him, Baby. He doesn't understand us.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Did you check out that Barker farm?
:'''[[w:Gordon Walker (Supernatural)|Gordon]]''': It's a bust. Just a bunch of hippie freaks. Though they could kill you with that patchouli smell alone.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': He was just one of those guys... took some terrible beatings... just kept coming. So you're always saying to yourself, he's indestructible, he'll always be around... nothing can kill my Dad. And then just like that... he's gone. Can't talk about this to Sammy--I've gotta keep my game face on. But, ah, the truth is I'm not handling it very well.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': You know why I love this life?
:'''Dean''': Hmm?
:'''Gordon''': It's all black and white. There's no maybe. Find the bad thing, kill it. You see, most people spend their lives in shades of gray. &quot;Is this right, is that wrong?&quot; Not us.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': And I'm supposed to listen to her? We barely know her, Sam. No, thanks. I'll go with Gordon.
:'''Sam''': Right, because Gordon's such an old friend. You don't think I can see what this is?
:'''Dean''': What are you talking about?
:'''Sam''': He's a substitute for Dad, isn't he? A poor one.
:'''Dean''': Shut up, Sam.
:'''Sam''': He's not even close, Dean. Not on his best day.
:'''Dean''': You know, I'm not even gonna talk—
:'''Sam''': You know what? You slap on his big fake smile but I can see through it. 'Cause I know how you feel, Dean. Dad's dead, and he left a hole, and it hurt so bad you can't take it. But you can't just fill that hole with whoever you want to. It's an insult to his memory!
:'''Dean''': Okay... [He turns around and hits Sam.]
:'''Sam''': You hit me all you want. It won't change anything.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 2)#ep26|Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things]]'' [2.04]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Sam, if you bring up Dad's death up one more time, I swear...
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Stop. Please, Dean, it's killing you. Please. We've already lost Dad, we've lost Mom, I've lost Jessica and now I'm gonna lose you too.
:'''Dean''': We better get out of here before the cops come. I hear you, okay? Yeah, I'm being an ass and I'm sorry. But right now, we got a freaking zombie running around, we need to figure out how to kill it. Right?
:'''Sam''': Our lives are weird, man.
:'''Dean''': You're telling me. Come on.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': We can't just waste it with a headshot?
:'''Sam''': Dude, you've been watching way too many [[w:Night of the Living Dead|Romero]] flicks.
:'''Dean''': You're telling me there's no lore on how to smoke 'em?
:'''Sam''': No, Dean, I'm telling you there's too much. I mean, there's at least a hundred different legends on the walking dead, but they all have different methods for killing 'em. Some say setting 'em on fire... uh, one said [''flipping through John's journal''] ...where is it? Right here. &quot;Feeding their hearts to wild dogs.&quot; That's my personal favorite.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''upon finding the empty zombie pen'']
:'''Sam''': You think Angela's going after somebody?
:'''Dean''': [''knocking aside a grate to reveal a large hole in the wall leading outside''] Nah, I think she went out to rent ''[[w:Beaches (film)|Beaches]].''
:'''Sam''': Look, smartass, she might kill someone. We gotta find her, Dean.
:'''Dean''': Yeah. Alright, she, uh... She clipped Matt because he was cheating, right?
:'''Sam''': Yeah.
:'''Dean''': Well, it takes two to, you know... have hardcore sex.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Neil''': You're crazy.
:'''Dean''': Your girlfriend's past her expiration date and we're crazy?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': I'm sorry. 
:'''Sam''': You -- For what?
:'''Dean''': The way I've been acting. And for Dad. I mean, he was your dad too. And it's my fault that he's gone.
:'''Sam''': What are you talking about?
:'''Dean''': I know you've been thinking it, so have I. Doesn't take a genius to it figure out. Back at the hospital, I made a full recovery. It was a miracle. And five minutes later Dad's dead and the Colt's gone. 
:'''Sam''': Dean.
:'''Dean''': You can't tell me that there's not a connection there. I don't know how the demon was involved. I don't know how the whole thing went down exactly. But Dad's dead because of me. And that much I do know.
:'''Sam''': We don't know that. Not for sure.
:'''Dean''': Sam ... ''[He starts to cry]'' You and Dad ... you're the most important people in my life. And now... I never should've come back, Sam. It wasn't natural. And now look what's come of it. I was dead. And I should have stayed dead. You wanted to know how I was feeling. Well, that's it. 
:''[Sam nods]''
:'''Dean''':  So tell me. What could you possibly say to make that all right?

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 2)#ep27|Simon Said]]'' [2.05]==
:''[Ash is searching unsuccessfully for information on the case]''
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Alright, try something else for me. Search Guthry for a housefire; it would be 1983, fire's origin would be a baby's nursery, night of the kid's 6th month birthday.
:''[Ash stares]''
:'''Ash''': Okay, now that is just weird, man. Why the hell would I be looking for that?
:''[Sam put a bottle on the counter]''
:'''Sam''': Because there's a [[w:PBR|PBR]] in it for ya.
:'''Ash''': Give me 15 minutes.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Besides, if I ran off with you, I think your mother might kill me. ''[gives Ellen a sheepish grin as she glares at him from across the room]''
:'''[[w:Jo Harvelle|Jo]]''': You're afraid of my mother?
:'''Dean''': ''[turns back to Jo]'' I think so.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Tracey''': If you want to find him [Andy], try Orchard Street. Just look for a van with a barbarian queen painted on the side.
:'''Dean''': Barbarian queen?
:'''Tracey''': She's riding a polar bear, it's kinda hard to miss.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Andy''': Hey! You think I haven't seen you two? Why are you following me?
:'''Sam''': Well, we're lawyers. See, a relative of yours has passed...
:'''Andy''': ''[Interrupting]'' Tell the truth.
:'''Sam''': That's what I'm...
:'''Dean''': We hunt demons.
:'''Andy''': What?
:'''Sam''': ''[Shocked]'' Dean!
:'''Dean''': Demons, spirits, things your worst nightmares wouldn't even touch. Sam here, he's my brother...
:'''Sam''': Dean! Shut up!
:'''Dean''': I'm trying. He's psychic, kinda like you. Well, not really like you, but see he thinks you're a murderer and he's afraid that he's gonna become one himself because you're all part of something that's terrible and I hope to hell that he's wrong, but I'm starting to get a little scared that he might be right.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Ellen Harvelle|Ellen]]''': You mind your tone with me, boy. This isn't just your war, this is war. Now, something big and bad is coming, and it's coming fast, and their side holds all the cards. Now, at best, all we've got is us, together. No secrets or half-truths here.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 2)#ep28|No Exit]]'' [2.06]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Young girl's been kidnapped by an evil cult.
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Yeah. Girl got a name?
:'''Dean''': '''[[w:Katie Holmes|Katie Holmes]]'''.
:'''Sam''': That's funny... and for you, so bitchy.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': That's ectoplasm. Well, Sam, I think I know what we're dealing with here. It's the [[w:Stay Puft Marshmallow Man|Stay Puft Marshmallow Man]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Hunters don't tip that well.
:'''[[w:Jo Harvelle|Jo]]''': Well they aren't that good at poker either.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Jo, you've got options. No one in their right mind chooses this life. My dad started me on this when I was so young, I wish I could do something else.
:'''Jo''': You love the job.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, but I'm a little twisted.
:'''Jo''': You don't think I'm a little twisted, too?
:'''Dean''': Jo, you've got a mother that worries about you, who wants something more for you. Those are good things. You don't throw things like that away. They might be hard to find later.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': So, this job as glamorous as you thought it would be?
:'''Jo''': Well, except for all the pee-your-pants terror, yeah, sure.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 2)#ep29|The Usual Suspects]]'' [2.07]==
:'''Diana Ballard''': Sam, you seem like a good kid. It's not your fault Dean's your brother. We can't pick our family. 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': What do you think, [[w:Dana Scully|Scully]], want to check it out?
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': I'm not Scully, ''you're'' Scully.
:'''Dean''': No, I'm [[w:Fox Mulder|Mulder]]. You're a red-headed woman.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Anthony Gyles' body was found right about here. ''[reads]'' &quot;Throat slit so deep, part of his spinal cord was visible.&quot;
:'''Dean''': ''[whistles]'' What do you think? Vengeful spirit, underline &quot;vengeful&quot;?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': My name is Dean Winchester. I'm an Aquarius. I enjoy sunsets, long walks on the beach, and frisky women. And I did not kill anyone.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': This is bothering me.
:'''Ballard''': Well, you are digging up a corpse.
:'''Sam''': No, not that. That's, uh, that's pretty par for the course, actually.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 2)#ep30|Crossroad Blues]]'' [2.08]==
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': So much for a low profile. You've got a warrant in St. Louis, and now you're officially in the Feds' database.
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Dude, I'm like [[w:John Dillinger|Dillinger]] or something.
:'''Sam''': Dean, it's not funny. Makes the job harder. We've got to be more careful now.
:'''Dean''': Well, what have they got on you?
:'''Sam''': I'm sure they just haven't posted it yet.
:'''Dean''': Wait - no accessory, nothing?
:'''Sam''': Shut up. 
:'''Dean''': ''[laughs]'' You're jealous.
:'''Sam''': No, I'm not!
:'''Dean''': Uh-huh. All right, what have you got on the case there, you innocent, harmless, young man, you?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Whatever they are, they're big, nasty...
:'''Dean''': Yeah, I bet they could hump the crap out of your leg. Look at that one, huh? ''[chuckles]'' What? They could!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': So?
:'''Dean''': Secretary's name is Carly. She's 23, she, uh, kayaks, and they're real.
:'''Sam''': You didn't happen to ask her if she's seen any black dogs lately, did you?
:'''Dean''': Every complaint called in this week about anything big, black or dog-like. There's 19 calls in all. And, uh, I don't know what this thing is.
:'''Sam''': ''[Laughs]'' You mean Carly's [[w:MySpace|MySpace]] address?
:'''Dean''': Yeah, MySpace. What the hell is that? ''[Sam laughs]'' Seriously, is that, like, some sort of porn site?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': We gotta find out if anyone else struck any bargains around here.
:'''Dean''': Great. So, we've got to clean up these people's mess for them? I mean, they're not exactly squeaky clean. Nobody put a gun to their head and forced them to play &quot;Let's Make a Deal.&quot;
:'''Sam''': So, what, we should just leave them to die?
:'''Dean''': Somebody goes over Niagara in a barrel, you gonna jump in and try to save them? 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': You did it to save her?
:'''Evan''': She had cancer, they'd stopped treatment, they were moving her into hospice. They kept saying, &quot;Matter of days.&quot; So, yeah, I made the deal. And I'd do it again. I'd have died for her on the spot.
:'''Dean''': Did you ever think about her in all this?
:'''Evan''': I did this for her.
:'''Dean''': You sure about that? I think you did it for yourself so you wouldn't have to live without her. But, guess what, she's gonna have to live without you now. But what if she knew how much it cost? What if she knew it cost your soul? How do you think she'd feel?

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 2)#ep31|Croatoan]]'' [2.09]==
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Dean, did you pay any attention in history class?
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Yeah. The shot heard 'round the world, how bills become laws... 
:'''Sam''': That's not school! That's [[w:Schoolhouse Rock!|Schoolhouse Rock!]]
:'''Dean''': ...Whatever.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': What do you think? Multiple demons? Mass possession?
:'''Dean''': If it is a possession, there could be more. God knows how many. It could be like a friggin' Shriner Convention.
:'''Sam''': Great.
:'''Dean''': 'Course, that's one way to wipe out a town. You take it from the inside.
:'''Sam''': I don't know, man. We didn't see any of the demon smoke with Tanner, or any of the other usual signs.
:'''Dean''': Well, whatever. Something turned him into a monster. And you know, if you would have taken out the other one, one less to worry about.
:'''Sam''': Sorry, all right? I hesitated, Dean, it was a kid.
:'''Dean''': No, it was an &quot;it&quot;. Not the best time for a bleeding heart, Sam.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': For what? For him to [[w:Hulk (comics)|Hulk]] out? Infect somebody else? No, thanks, can't take that chance. ''[Sam stops him from leaving.]'' Hey look, man, I'm not happy about this, okay? But it's a tough job and you know that.
:'''Sam''': It's supposed to be tough, Dean! We're supposed to struggle with this, that's the whole point!
:'''Dean''': What does that buy us?
:'''Sam''': A clear conscience, for one.
:'''Dean''': It's too late for that.
:'''Sam''': What the hell's happened to you?
:'''Dean''': What?
:'''Sam''': You might kill an innocent man, and you don't even care! You don't act like yourself anymore, Dean. Hell, you know what? You're acting like one of those things out there.
:'''Dean''': Mm-hmm. ''[He pushes Sam out of his way. He leaves the room, locking the door behind him.]'' 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': This is the dumbest thing you've ever done.
:'''Dean''': I don't know about that. Remember that waitress in Tampa? ''(shudders)''
:'''Sam''': Dean, I'm sick. It's over for me. It doesn't have to be for you.
:'''Dean''': No?
:'''Sam''': No, you can keep going.
:'''Dean''': Who says I want to?
:'''Sam''': What? ''[Dean sits down and pauses before talking.]''
:'''Dean''': I'm tired, Sam. I'm tired of this job, this life. This weight on my shoulders, man, I'm tired of it.
:'''Sam''': So, what? So, you're just gonna give up? I mean, you're just gonna lay down and die? Look, Dean, I know the stuff with Dad had—
:'''Dean''': You're wrong. It's not about that. I mean, part of it is, sure, but—
:'''Sam''': What is it about?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': I don't know, man. I just think maybe we oughta... go to the [[w:Grand Canyon|Grand Canyon]].
:'''Sam''': What?
:'''Dean''': Yeah, you know, all this driving back and forth, cross-country. You know I've never been to the Grand Canyon? Or we could go to T.J. Or Hollywood, see if we can bang [[w:Lindsay Lohan|Lindsay Lohan]].

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 2)#ep32|Hunted]]'' [2.10]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Before Dad died he... he told me something. Something about you.
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': What? Dean, what did he tell you?
:'''Dean''': He said that he... wanted me to watch out for you. Take care of you.
:'''Sam''': He told you that a million times.
:'''Dean''': No, this time was different. He said that I had to... save you.
:'''Sam''': Save me from what?
:'''Dean''': He just said that I had to save you. Nothing else mattered. And if I couldn't, I'd...
:'''Sam''': You'd what, Dean?
:'''Dean''': I'd have to kill you. ''[Sam looks at him, confused.]'' He said that I might have to kill you, Sammy.
:'''Sam''': Kill me? What the hell is that supposed to mean?
:'''Dean''': I don't know.
:'''Sam''': I mean, he must've had some kind of reason for saying it, right? Did he know the demon's plans for me? Am I supposed to go dark-side or something?! What else did he say, Dean?
:'''Dean''': Nothing. That's it, I swear.
:'''Sam''': How could you not have told me this?!
:'''Dean''': Because it was dad and he begged me not to.
:'''Sam''': Who cares?! Take some responsibility for yourself, Dean! You had no right to keep this from me!
:'''Dean''': You think I wanted this? Huh? I wish to God he'd never opened his mouth! And I wouldn't have to walk around with this screaming in my head all day!
:'''Sam''': ''[after a long pause]'' We've just gotta figure out what's going on then, what the hell all this means.
:'''Dean''': We do? I've been thinking about this, I think we should just lay low, you know? At least for a while. It'd be safer. And that way, I could make sure...
:'''Sam''': What? That I don't turn evil? That I don't turn into some kind of killer?
:'''Dean''': I never said that.
:'''Sam''': Jeez, if you're not careful, you will have to waste me one day, Dean.
:'''Dean''': I never said that! Damn it, Sam, this whole thing is spinning out of control! Alright? You're immune to some weirdo demon virus, and I don't even know what the hell anymore. And you're pissed at me, and I get it. That's fine, I deserve it. But we lay low until we figure out our next move, okay?
:'''Sam''': Forget it.
:'''Dean''': Sam, please, man. ''[He grabs Sam's shoulder]'' Hey, please. Just give me some time. Give me some time to think, okay, I'm begging you here. Please... please. ''[Sam nods]'' 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Ash (Supernatural)|Ash]]''': And one other name, Scott Kerry.
:'''Sam''': What, you got an address?
:'''Ash''': Kinda. The Arbor Hills Cemetery in Lafayette, Indiana. Plot 486.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Ellen Harvelle|Ellen]]''': Now, Dean, they say you can't protect your loved ones forever. Well, I say screw that-- what else is family for? 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Sam passes in front of the window on the building's edge]''
:'''Ava''': Holy crap!
:'''Shrink''': What? ''[looks behind]''
:'''Ava''': I just remembered, when I was a kid I swallowed, like, eight things of pop rocks and then drank a whole can of coke. You don't think that that counts as a suicide attempt, do you?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Come on, man, I know Sam, okay, better than anyone. He's got more of a conscience than I do. I mean, the guy feels guilty surfing the Internet for porn.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 2)#ep33|Playthings]]'' [2.11]==
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': We've gotta save as many people as we can.
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Wow, that attitude is just way too healthy for me. I'm officially uncomfortable now. Thank you.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Dude, this is sweet! I never get to work jobs like this.
:'''Sam''': Like what?
:'''Dean''': Old-school haunted houses. You know: fog, secret passageways, sissy British accents. We might even run into Fred and Daphne while we're inside. Mmm, Daphne...love her.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Of course, the most troubling question is why do these people assume we're gay?
:'''Sam''': Well, you are kind of butch. Probably think you're overcompensating.
:'''Dean''': ''[uncomfortable chuckle]'' Right.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': You know, she could be faking.
:'''Sam''': Yeah, what do you wanna do, poke her with a stick? ''[Dean nods]'' Dude, you're not gonna poke her with a stick! 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Feels good to get back in the saddle, doesn't it?
:'''Sam''': Yeah. Yeah, it does. But it doesn't change what we talked about last night, Dean.
:'''Dean''': ''[evasive]'' We talked about a lotta things last night.
:'''Sam''': You know what I mean.
:'''Dean''': You were wasted.
:'''Sam''': But you weren't. And you promised.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 2)#ep34|Nightshifter]]'' [2.12]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Frigging cops.  
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': They're just doing their job.
:'''Dean''': No, they're doing our job. Only they don't know it, so they suck at it.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Man, that has got to be the kicker, straight up. I mean, you tell that poor son of a bitch that - - Wh-what did you say? Remand the tapes that he copied? Classified evidence of an ongoing investigation? That's messed up.
:'''Sam''': What, are you pissed at me or something?
:'''Dean''': No, I just think it's a little creepy how good of a fed you are. I mean come on, we could've at least thrown the guy a bone. He did some pretty good legwork here.
:'''Sam''':  ''[laugh]'' Mandroid?
:'''Dean''': Except for the mandroid part. I liked him. He's not that different from you and me. People think we're crazy.
:'''Sam''':  Yeah, except he's not a hunter Dean. He's just a guy who stumbled onto something real. If he were to go up against this, he'd get torn apart. Better to stay in the dark and stay alive.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, I guess.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Are you nuts?
:'''Ronald''': That's just it, I'm not nuts. I mean, I was so scared that I was losing my marbles, but this is real! I mean, I was right! Except for the mandroid thing, thank you.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, don't mention it.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lt. Robarts''': ''[about the Feds taking over the situation]'' Let me guess. You're lead dog now, but you would just love my full cooperation.
:'''[[w:Characters of Supernatural#Victor Henriksen|Henrickson]]''': I don't give a rat’s ass what you do. You can go get a doughnut and bang your wife for all I care.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Henrickson''': ''[on the phone, in the command center]'' This is Special Agent Victor Henrickson.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, listen, I'm not really in the negotiating mood right now.
:'''Henrickson''': Good. Me neither.
:'''Dean''': So-
:'''Henrickson''': It's my job to bring you in; alive's a bonus but not necessary.
:'''Dean''': Whoa. That's kinda harsh for a Federal Agent, don't you think?
:'''Henrickson''': Well, you're not the typical suspect, are you, Dean? ''[Dean looks horrified]'' I want you and Sam out here, unarmed. Or we come in. And yes, I know about Sam, too. [[w:Bonnie and Clyde|Bonnie to your Clyde]].
:'''Dean''': Yeah, well, that part's true, but how'd you even know we were here?
:'''Henrickson''': Go screw yourself, that's how I knew. It's become my job to know about you, Dean. I've been looking for you for weeks now. I know about the murder in St. Louis, I know about the Houdini act you pulled in Baltimore. I know about the desecrations and the thefts. I know about your dad.
:'''Dean''': ''[darkly]'' Hey, you don't know crap about my dad.
:'''Henrickson''': Ex-marine, raised his kids on the road, cheap motels, backwood cabins. Real paramilitary survivalist type. I just can't get a handle on what type of whacko he was. White supremacist, [[w:Timothy McVeigh|Timmy McVeigh]], to-may-to, to-mah-to.
:'''Dean''': You got no right talking about my dad like that. He was a hero.
:'''Henrickson''': Yeah. Right. Sure sounds like it. You have one hour to make a decision or we come through those doors full automatic.
:'''Dean''': ''[pounds his forehead in frustration as he hangs up the phone.]''

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 2)#ep35|Houses of the Holy]]'' [2.13]==
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': So, no disturbances lately?
:'''Gloria''': You mean am I stark raving cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': You know what, there's a ton of lore on unicorns, too. In fact, I hear that they they ride on silver moonbeams, and they shoot rainbows out of their ass!
:'''Sam''': Wait. There's no such thing as unicorns?
:'''Dean''': That's cute. I'm just saying, man, there’s some legends that you just... you file under &quot;Bull Crap&quot;.
:'''Sam''': And you got angels on the &quot;Bull Crap&quot; list?
:'''Dean''': Yep.
:'''Sam''': Why?
:'''Dean''': Because I've never seen one.
:'''Sam''': So what?
:'''Dean''': So, I believe in what I can see.
:'''Sam''': Dean, you and I have seen things most people couldn't even dream about.
:'''Dean''': Exactly, with our own eyes. That's hard proof, okay? But in all this time, I have never seen anything that looks like an angel. And don't you think that if they existed, that we would have crossed paths with them, or at least know someone that crossed paths with them? No. This is a demon or a spirit. You know? They find people a few fries short of a Happy Meal and they trick 'em into killing these randoms.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Well, I think I learned a valuable lesson. Always take down your Christmas decorations after New Year's, or you might get filleted by hooker from God. HA!
:'''Sam''': I'm laughing on the inside.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Look, I'll admit, I'm a bit of a skeptic. But since when are you all Mr. [[w:The 700 Club|700 Club]]? No, seriously, from the get-go, you've been willing to buy this angel crap, man. What's next, you're going to start praying every day?
:'''Sam''': I do.
:'''Dean''': What?
:'''Sam''': I do pray every day. I have for a long time.
:'''Dean''': Things you learn about a guy.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Dean, the angel hasn't been wrong yet! Someone's gonna do something awful, and I can stop it!
:'''Dean''': You know, you're supposed to be bad, too, Sam. Maybe, maybe I should just stop you right now.
:'''Sam''': You know what, Dean, I don't understand! Why can't you even consider the possibility?
:'''Dean''': What, that this is an angel?
:'''Sam''': Yes! Maybe we're hunting an angel here, and we should stop! Maybe this is God's will!
:'''Dean''': Okay, all right. You know what? I get it. You've got faith. That's - hey, good for you. I'm sure it makes things easier. I'll tell you who else had faith like that –- Mom. She used to tell me when she'd tuck me in that angels were watching over us. In fact, that was the last thing she ever said to me.
:'''Sam''': You never told me that.
:'''Dean''': What's to tell? She was wrong. There was nothing protecting her. There's no higher power, there's no God. There's just chaos and violence and random, unpredictable evil that comes out of nowhere. It rips you to shreds. So, you want me to believe in this stuff? I'm gonna need to see some hard proof. You got any?

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 2)#ep36|Born Under A Bad Sign]]'' [2.14]==
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': What'd you find out?
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': You checked in two days ago under the name [[w:Richie Sambora|Richard Sambora]]. Of course, I think the scariest part about this whole thing is the fact that you're a [[w:Bon Jovi|Bon Jovi]] fan. 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Sam!
:'''Sam''': I begged you to stop me, Dean!
:'''Dean''': Put the knife down, damn it!
:'''Sam''': I told you, I can't fight it! My head feels like it's on fire, all right?! Dean, kill me, or I'm gonna kill her! Please! You'd be doing me a favor. Shoot me. Shoot me! ''[Dean pauses a long time, ready to shoot.]''
:'''Dean''': No, Sammy, come on. ''[He lowers the gun.]''
:'''Sam''': What the hell's wrong with you, Dean? Are you that scared of being alone that you'd rather let Jo die?!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Why didn't you kill me? You had a dozen chances. 
:'''Meg possessing Sam''': Naw, that would have been too easy. Where's the fun in that? See, this was a test. I wanted to see if I could push you far enough to waste Sam. Should've known you wouldn't have the sack. Anyway, fun's over now. 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Meg possessing Sam''': You know, when people wanna describe the worst possible thing, they say, &quot;It's like Hell.&quot; ''[He punches Dean.]'' Well, there's a reason for that. Hell is like, um –- ''[he punches Dean again]'' -- well, it's like Hell. Even for demons. ''[Another punch.]'' It's a prison made of bone and flesh and blood and fear. ''[Another punch.]'' And you sent me back there.
:'''Dean''': Meg.
:'''Meg possessing Sam''': No. Not anymore. Now, I'm Sam. ''[Another punch.]'' By the way –- ''[he grabs Dean’s shoulder, where Dean has a very tender bullet wound]'' –- I saw your dad there. He says, &quot;Howdy.&quot; All that I had to hold onto was that I would climb out one day, and that I was gonna torture you, nice and slow. Like pulling the wings off an insect. But whatever I do to you, it's nothing compared to what you do to yourself, is it? I can see it in your eyes, Dean. You're worthless. You couldn't save your dad. And deep down... you know that you can't save your brother. They'd have been better off without you.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': No matter what I did, you wouldn't shoot.
:'''Dean''': It was the right move, Sam. It wasn't you.
:'''Sam''': Yeah, this time. What about next time?
:'''Dean''': Sam, when Dad told me... that I might have to kill you, it was only if I couldn't save you. Now, if it's the last thing I do, I'm gonna save you.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 2)#ep37|Tall Tales]]'' [2.15]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... hold on a minute!!
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': What?
:'''Dean''': C'mon, dude, that's not how it happened!
:'''Sam''': No? So you never drank a purple nurple?
:'''Dean''': Yeah maybe that, but I don't say things like &quot;feisty little wildcat&quot; and her name wasn't Starla.
:'''Sam''': Then what was it?
:'''Dean''': ''[pauses]'' I don't know... but she was a classy chick. She was a grad student. Anthropology and folklore. We were talking about local ghost stories.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Starla''': My God, you are attractive!
:'''Dean''': Thanks. But no time for that now. You need to tell me about this urban legend. Please? Lives are at stake.
:'''Starla''': ''[staring at Dean]'' I'm sorry, I just... I can't even concentrate. It's like staring... into the sun.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Bobby Singer|Bobby]]''': You're bickering like an old married couple.
:'''Dean''': No, see, married couples can get divorced. Me and him? We're like, uh, Siamese twins.
:'''Sam''': ''[angry]'' It's ''conjoined'' twins.
:'''Dean''': See what I mean? 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Dude... were you on my computer?
:'''Dean''': No.
:'''Sam''': Oh really? 'Cause it's frozen now, on, uh, bustyasianbeauties.com? ''[Dean says nothing]'' Dean! Would you just –- don't touch my stuff anymore, okay?
:'''Dean''': Why don't you control your OCD? 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Dude, you know something? I put up with a lot from you.
:'''Dean''': What are you talking about? I'm a joy to be around!
:'''Sam''': Yeah? Your dirty socks in the sink? Your food in the 'fridge?
:'''Dean''': What's wrong with my food?
:'''Sam''': It's not food any more, Dean! It's Darwinism!
:'''Dean''': ''[to himself]'' I like it.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 2)#ep38|Roadkill]]'' [2.16]==
:'''Molly''': Isn't this argument a little archaic? Men can ask directions these days.
:'''David''': No we can't. It's against our genetic code.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Did he look like he... lost a fight with a lawnmower?
:'''Molly''': How did you know that?
:'''Dean''': Lucky guess.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Molly''': I don't understand how a guy like this can turn into that monster.
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Well, spirits like Greely are, uh, like wounded animals. Lost... in so much pain they... they lash out.
:'''Molly''': Why? Why are they here?
:'''Sam''': There's some part of them that... that's keeping them here. Like their remains, or, um, unfinished business.
:'''Molly''': Unfinished business?
:'''Sam''': Yeah, uh, it could be revenge. It could be, uh, love, or hate. Whatever it is, they just hold on too tight. Can't let go. So they're trapped. Caught in the same loops. Replaying the same tragedies over and over.
:'''Molly''': You sound almost sorry for them.
:'''Sam''': Well, they weren't evil people, you know. A lot of them were good, just something happened to 'em. Something they couldn't control.
:'''Dean''': Sammy's always gettin' a little [[w:Jennifer Love Hewitt|J. Love Hewitt]] when it comes to this. Me, I don't like 'em. And I'm sure as hell ain't makin' apologies for 'em.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Guess that's why we all hold onto life so hard... Even the dead... We're all just scared of the unknown.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': I guess she wasn't so bad. For a ghost. You think she's really going to a better place?
:'''Sam''': I hope so.
:'''Dean''': I guess we'll never know. Not until we take the plunge ourselves, huh?
:'''Sam''': It doesn't really matter, Dean. Hope's kind of the whole point.
:'''Dean''': Well alright, [[w:Haley Joel Osment|Haley Joel]], let's hit the road.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 2)#ep39|Heart]]'' [2.17]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': And the lunar cycles?
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Uh-huh. Yeah, month after month all the murders happen in the week leading up to the full moon.
:'''Dean''': Which is this week, right?
:'''Sam''': Hence the lawyer.
:'''Dean''': Awesome.
:'''Sam''': Dean, could you be a bigger geek about this?
:'''Dean''': I'm sorry man, but what about a human by day, a freak animal killing machine by moonlight don't you understand? I mean, werewolves are ''badass''. We haven't seen one since we were kids.
:'''Sam''': Okay, Sparky. And you know what? After we kill it, we can go to [[w:Disneyland|Disneyland]]!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Sam and Dean are checking Madison's boyfriend's apartment]''
:'''Sam''': Anything?
:'''Dean''': Nah, nothin' but leftovers and a six-pack.
:'''Sam''': Check the freezer. Maybe there's some human hearts behind the [[w:Häagen-Dazs|Häagen-Dazs]] or something.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': You go after the creepy ex. I'm gonna hang here with the hot chick.
:'''Sam''': Dude, why do you get always get to hang out with the girls?
:'''Dean''': Because I'm older.
:'''Sam''': No, screw that. We settle this the old fashion way. ''[They do rock, paper, scissors. Dean chooses scissors and loses.]'' Dean, always with the scissors.
:'''Dean''': Shut up, shut up. Two out of three! ''[They do rock paper scissors again and Dean chooses scissors and loses again.]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Sam and Madison have just finished watching a few episodes of [[w:All My Children|All My Children]], which Sam seems to be enthralled with]''
:'''Sam''': Wait, so, so Kendall married Ethan's father just to get back at him?
:'''Madison''': Yup and now she's set to inherit all the casinos that were supposed to go to Ethan.
:'''Sam''': What a bitch!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': She says she has no idea what I'm talking about.
:'''Dean''': She's lying.
:'''Sam''': Or maybe she really doesn't know she's changing, you know? Maybe... maybe when the creature takes over, she blacks out.
:'''Dean''': Like a really hot [[w:Hulk (comics)|Incredible Hulk]]. Come on dude, she ganked her boss and her ex-boyfriend. That doesn't sound rash and unconscious. 
:'''Sam''': Yeah, but what if it was Dean? I mean, what if some animal part of her brain saw both those guys as threats? Hell the cop, too.
:'''Dean''': What are you the [[w:Dog Whisperer with Cesar Millan|dog whisperer]] now?

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 2)#ep40|Hollywood Babylon]]'' [2.18]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Sammy, check it out. It's [[w:Matt Damon|Matt Damon]].
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Yeah, pretty sure that's not Matt Damon.
:'''Dean''': No, it is. 
:'''Sam''': Well, Matt Damon just picked up a broom and started sweeping.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, well he's probably researching a role or something.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam:''' They're saying the set's haunted.
:'''Dean:''' Like ''[[w:Poltergeist (film)|Poltergeist]]''?
:'''Sam:''' It could be a poltergeist.
:'''Dean:''' No, no, no, the movie ''Poltergeist''... You know nothing of your cultural heritage, do you?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': What's a PA?
:'''Sam''': I think they're kinda like slaves.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''McG''': Marty.
:'''Martin''': Yo.
:'''McG''': What do you think? 
:'''Martin''': Not married to salt, what do you want? We still sticking with condiments? 
:'''McG''': Just sounds different, not better. What else would a ghost be scared of? 
:'''Walter Dixon''': Aww, ya gotta be kidding me. 
:'''Martin''': ''[Aside]'' What would a ghost be scared of? Maybe shotguns. 
:'''McG''': K, that makes even less sense than salt. 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': You know, maybe the spirits are trying to shut down the movie 'cause they think it sucks. 'Cause, I mean, it kinda does.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 2)#ep41|Folsom Prison Blues]]'' [2.19]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Well it's about time. I'll have a cheeseburger... extra onions.
:'''[[w:Characters of Supernatural#Victor Henriksen|Henriksen]]''': You think you're funny.
:'''Dean''': I think I'm adorable.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lucas''': Are you talking to me? Are you talking to me?
:'''Dean''': Oh great, another guy who's seen ''[[w:Taxi Driver|Taxi Driver]]'' one too many times.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean:''' I said I wish I had a baseball. You know, like [[w:Steve McQueen|Steve McQueen]].
:'''Lucas:''' Yeah? Well, I wish I had a bat. So I bash your freaking head in.
:'''Dean:''' Okay. So much for the bonding in solitary moment.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Randall''': Why're you inside, kid?
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': 'Cause I got an idiot for a brother.
:'''Randall''': That'll do it.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean:''' Save room for dessert, Tiny, hehehe. Hey, I'd wanna ask you, 'cause I couldn't help but notice that you are two tons of fun. Just curious, is it like a thyroid problem or is this some deep seeded self-esteem issue? 'Cause you know, they're, uh, they're just donuts, they're not love.

==''[[w:What Is and What Should Never Be (Supernatural)|What Is And What Should Never Be]]'' [2.20]==
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Dean?
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Sam. 
:'''Sam''': What's going on?
:'''Dean''': I don't know. I don't know where I am.
:'''Sam''': What? What happened?
:'''Dean''': The Djinn, it.. it attacked me.
:'''Sam''': The Gin? You're drinking Gin?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Professor''': Well, I don't think I've seen you in my class before.
:'''Dean''': Are you kiddn' me? I love your lectures. You... ''[thinks, grinning]'' ... you make learning fun.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': How did I end up with such a cool chick? 
:'''Carmen''': I've just got low standards.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': We don't? Well, we should. I mean, you're my brother. 
:'''Sam''': You're my brother?
:'''Dean''': Yeah! 
:'''Sam''': You know, that's what you said when you snaked my ATM card, or when you bailed on my graduation, or when you hooked up with Rachel Nayv. 
:'''Dean''': Who? 
:'''Sam''': Uh, my prom date. On prom night. 
:'''Dean''': ''[under his breath]''  Yeah, that does kinda sound like me.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': ''[to his Dad's grave]'' So go hunt the Djinn. It put you here, it could put you back. Your happiness for all those people's lives. No contest. Right? But why? Why is it my job to save these people? Why do I have to be some kind of hero? What about us, huh? What, Mom's not supposed to live her life, Sammy's not supposed to get married. Why do we have to sacrifice everything, Dad? It's ''[long pause]'' yeah... ''[walks away]''

==''[[w:All Hell Breaks Loose (Supernatural)|All Hell Breaks Loose, Part 1]]'' [2.21]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Don't forget the extra onions this time, hmm?
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Dude, I'm the one who's gonna have to ride in the car with your extra onions.
:'''Dean:''' Hey, see if they've got any pie. Bring me some pie! Love me some pie.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam:''' I have visions. I see things before they happen.
:'''Ava:''' Yeah. Me, too.
:'''Andy:''' Yeah, and I can put thoughts into people's heads. Like, make them do stuff. Oh, but don't worry, I don't think it works on you guys. Oh, but get this, um, I've been practicing. Training my brain, like meditation. Right? So now, it's not just thoughts I can beam out, but images, too. Like, anything I want. It's just like: Bam! People, they see it. This one guy I know -- total dick, right? I used it on him: gay porn. All hours of the day. ''[laughs]'' It was just like... you should have seen the look on his face.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jake:''' Salt is a weapon?
:'''Sam:''' It's a brave new world.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Andy:''' ''(reading Dean's receipt)'' [[w:David Hasselhoff|D. Hasselhoff]]?
:'''Sam:''' Yeah. It's Dean's signature. It... It's hard to explain.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean:''' ''(to Sam as he's dying, seeing the wound)'' Look at me. It's not even that bad. It's not even that bad, alright? Sammy? Sam! Hey! Listen to me. We're going to patch you up, okay? You'll be as good as new. Huh? I'm gonna take care of you? I'm going to take care of you; I've got you, that's my job, right? Watch after my pain in the ass little brother. ''(realizes Sam is already dead)'' Sam? Sam? Sam?! Sammy?! No. No, no, no, no. Oh no come on. Oh God. ''(pulls Sam's body against his and yells)'' SAM!

==''[[w:All Hell Breaks Loose (Supernatural)|All Hell Breaks Loose, Part 2]]'' [2.22]==
:'''[[w:Azazel (Supernatural)|Azazel]]''': Howdy, Jake.
:'''Jake''': I - I'm dreaming, aren't I?
:'''Azazel''': I got a genius on my hands. Well congratulations, Jake, you're it. Last man standing. The American Idol. I have to admit, you weren't the horse I was bettin' on. But still, I gotta give it to you. 
:'''Jake''': ''[scared]'' Go... to hell.
:'''Azazel''': Been there. Done that.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': ''[to Sammy, before going to Crossroads]'' You know, when we were little, when you couldn't have been more than five, you'd just started asking questions. How come we didn't have a mom; why do we always have to move around; where'd Dad go.. when he'd take off for days at a time. I remember I begged you, quit askin' Sammy, man, you don't wanna know. I just wanted you to be a kid. Just for a little while longer. I always tried to protect you, keep you safe. Dad didn't even have to tell me. This was always my responsibility, you know. It's like, I had one job. I had one job. And I screwed it up. I blew it. And for that I'm sorry. I guess that's what I do. I let down the people I love. I let Dad down, and now I guess I'm just supposed to let you down too. How can I? How am I supposed to live with that? What am I supposed to do? Sammy... God... What am I supposed to do? ''[screams]'' What am I supposed to do?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Azazel''': ''[to Dean]'' How certain are you that what you brought back is 100% pure Sam? You of all people should know that: &quot;What's dead should stay dead.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Azazel''': ''[about to kill Dean with the Colt]'' I couldn't have done it without your pathetic, self-loathing, self-destructive desire to sacrifice yourself for your family!
:''[The spirit of John Winchester appears and overpowers Azazel long enough for Dean to retrieve the Colt and kill him with it. Ellen and Bobby close the Devil's Gate. Dean and Sam share an emotional moment with their father before he disappears]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': How long do you get?
:'''Dean''': One year. I get one year.
:'''Sam''': You shouldn't have done that. How could you do that?!
:'''Dean''': Don't get mad at me. Don't you do that. I had to. I had to look out for you. That's my job!
:'''Sam''': And what do you think my job is?
:'''Dean''': What?
:'''Sam''': You save my life! Over and over! I mean, you sacrifice everything for me! Don't you think I'd do the same for you? You're my big brother. There's ''nothing'' I wouldn't do for you.. And I don't care what it takes. I'm gonna get you out of this. Guess I gotta save ''your'' ass for a change.

==Cast==
===Starring===
*[[w:Jared Padalecki|Jared Padalecki]] as [[w:Sam Winchester|Sam Winchester]] (22 episodes)
*[[w:Jensen Ackles|Jensen Ackles]] as [[w:Dean Winchester|Dean Winchester]] (22 episodes)
===Guest stars===
*[[w:Samantha Ferris|Samantha Ferris]] as [[w:Ellen Harvelle|Ellen Harvelle]] (6 episodes)
*[[w:Jim Beaver|Jim Beaver]] as [[w:Bobby Singer|Bobby Singer]] (5 episodes)
*[[w:Chad Lindberg|Chad Lindberg]] as [[w:Ash (Supernatural)|Ash]] (4 episodes)
*[[w:Alona Tal|Alona Tal]] as [[w:Jo Harvelle|Jo Harvelle]] (4 episodes)
*[[w:Fredric Lehne|Fredric Lehne]] as [[w:Azazel (Supernatural)|the yellow-eyed dæmon]] (3 episodes)
*[[w:Sterling K. Brown|Sterling K. Brown]] as [[w:Gordon Walker (Supernatural)|Gordon Walker]] (2 episodes)
*[[w:Jeffrey Dean Morgan|Jeffrey Dean Morgan]] as [[w:John Winchester (Supernatural)|John Winchester]] (2 episodes)
*[[w:Samantha Smith (actress)|Samantha Smith]] as [[w:Mary Winchester (Supernatural)|Mary Winchester]] (2 episodes)
*[[w:Charles Malik Whitfield|Charles Malik Whitfield]] as FBI Agent [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Victor Henriksen|Victor Henriksen]] (2 episodes)
*[[w:Aldis Hodge|Aldis Hodge]] as[[w:Characters of Supernatural#Jake Talley|Jake Talley]] (2 episodes)
*[[w:Katharine Isabelle|Katharine Isabelle]] as [[w:Ava Wilson|Ava Wilson]] (2 episodes)
*Gabriel Tigerman as [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Andrew Gallagher|Andrew Gallagher]] (2 episodes)
*[[w:Jessica Harmon|Jessica Harmon]] as Lily (1 episode)
*[[Amber Benson]] as Lenore (1 episode)
*[[w:Lindsey McKeon|Lindsey McKeon]] as [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Tessa|Tessa]] and as [[w:Azazel (Supernatural)|the yellow-eyed dæmon]] (1 episode)
*[[w:Adrianne Palicki|Adrianne Palicki]] as [[w::Jessica Moore (Supernatural)|Jessica Moore]] (1 episode)
*[[w:Richard Speight, Jr.|Richard Speight, Jr.]] as [[w:The Trickster (Supernatural)|The Trickster]] (1 episode)

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{imdb title|0460681|Supernatural}}
*[http://www.supernaturalwiki.com Supernatural Wiki]
*[http://www.supernaturaltv.info Watch Supernatural]

{{center|'''Season'''&amp;nbsp; [[Supernatural (season 1)|1]] • [[Supernatural (season 2)|2]] • [[Supernatural (season 3)|3]] • [[Supernatural (season 4)|4]] • [[Supernatural (season 5)|5]] • [[Supernatural (season 6)|6]] • [[Supernatural (season 7)|7]] • [[Supernatural (season 8)|8]] • [[Supernatural (season 9)|9]] • [[Supernatural (season 10)|10]] • [[Supernatural (American TV series)|Main]]}}

[[Category:Supernatural (U.S. TV series) seasons]]</text>
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    <title>Supernatural (season 3)</title>
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'''''[[Supernatural (American TV series)|Supernatural]]''''' (2005–2020) is a paranormal/horror/thriller/drama-themed television series on the WB Television Network (now merged with UPN into the new network The CW) that details the lives of two brothers who travel across the country in a black 1967 Chevy Impala investigating paranormal events and other unexplained occurrences.&amp;nbsp; '''[[w:Supernatural (season 3)|Season three]]''' originally aired from 4 October 2007 to 15 May 2008.

{{center|'''Season'''&amp;nbsp; [[Supernatural (season 1)|1]] • [[Supernatural (season 2)|2]] • [[Supernatural (season 3)|3]] • [[Supernatural (season 4)|4]] • [[Supernatural (season 5)|5]] • [[Supernatural (season 6)|6]] • [[Supernatural (season 7)|7]] • [[Supernatural (season 8)|8]] • [[Supernatural (season 9)|9]] • [[Supernatural (season 10)|10]] • [[Supernatural (American TV series)|Main]]}}

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 3)#ep45|The Magnificent Seven]]'' [3.01]==
:'''[[w:Bobby Singer|Bobby]]''': So, where's your brother?
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Polling the electorate.
:'''Bobby''': What?
:'''Sam''': Never mind.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby''': So, we're eating bacon cheeseburgers for breakfast, are we?
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Well, sold my soul. Got a year to live. I ain't sweatin' the cholesterol.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby''': You sure this is the right place?
:'''Dean''': No. But I spent all day canvassing this stupid town with this guy's stupid mug, and supposedly he drinks at this stupid bar...
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Well, you look like Hell warmed over.
:'''Bobby''': You try exorcising all night, see how you feel.
:'''Sam''': Any survivors, Bobby?
:'''Bobby''': Well, the pretty girl and the heavy guy... they'll make it. A lifetime of therapy bills ahead, but still...
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': You're a hypocrite, Dean. How did you feel when Dad sold his soul for you? 'Cause I was there. I remember. You were twisted and broken. And now you go and do the same thing... to me. What you did was selfish.
:'''Dean''': Yeah. You're right. Was selfish. But I'm okay with that.
:'''Sam''': I'm not.
:'''Dean''': Tough. After everything I've done for this family, I think I'm entitled.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 3)#ep46|The Kids are Alright]]'' [3.02]==
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': ''(trying to cover up his phone call)'' Oh, I was just ordering pizza.
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Dude, you do realize that you're in a restaurant?
:'''Sam''': Yeah! Oh, yeah, yeah... ''(lamely)'' I just felt like pizza, y'know?
:'''Dean''': Okay... Weirdy McWeirderton.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': So let me get this straight. You want to drive all the way to Cicero just to hook up with some random chick?
:'''Dean''': She was a yoga teacher. That was the bendiest weekend of my life!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Why are you following me?
:'''[[w:Ruby (Supernatural)|Ruby]]''': I'm interested in you.
:'''Sam''': Why?
:'''Ruby''': Because you're tall. I love a tall man!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ben''': No, don't go over there. Only bitches send a grown-up.
:'''Dean''': You're not wrong.
:'''Ben''': And I'm not a bitch.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Well, we'll just bust in, drag the kids out, torch them on the front lawn. That'll play great with the neighbors.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 3)#ep47|Bad Day at Black Rock]]'' [3.03]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': ''(reading from trophy)'' 1995.
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': No way. That's my Division Championship soccer trophy! I can't believe he kept this.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, it's probably the closest you ever came to being a boy. Oh, wow! It’s my first sawed-off. I made it myself. Sixth grade.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': I lost my shoe.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Dean leads Sam into a motel room]''
:'''Sam''': What am I even supposed to do, Dean?
:'''Dean''': Nothing, nothing! Come here. I don't want you doing... anything! I want you to sit right here, and don't move! Okay? Don't turn on the light, don't turn off the light, don't even scratch your nose!
:'''Sam''': ''[mouthing the words]'' Scratch my nose? ''[checks to see that Dean has left, then scratches his nose]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': So you're only out for yourself, huh? It's all about number one?
:'''[[w:Bela Talbot|Bela]]''': Being a hunter is so much more noble? A bunch of obsessed, revenge-driven sociopaths trying to save a world that can't be saved?
:'''Dean''': Well, aren't you a glass half-full?
:'''Bela''': We're all going to Hell, Dean. Might as well enjoy the ride.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bela''': ''[training a gun on Sam and Dean]'' Put the foot down, honey!
:'''Dean''': No. You're not gonna shoot anybody. See, I happen to be able to read people. Okay, you're a thief, fine, but you're not...''[Bela shoots Sam]'' Son of a--!
:'''Bela''': Back off, tiger. Back off. You make one more move, and I'll pull the trigger. You've got the luck, Dean. You, I can't hit. But your brother? ''[aims the gun at him again]'' Him, I can't miss.
:''[pause]''
:'''Dean''': What the hell is wrong with you?! You can't just go around shooting people like that!
:'''Bela''': Relax, it's just a shoulder hit! I can aim!

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 3)#ep48|Sin City]]'' [3.04]==
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': No offense, but what are you doing here, Father?
:'''Father Gil''': Like it or not, you go where your flock is.
:'''Casey''': Plus, the clergy drinks for free.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Ruby (Supernatural)|Ruby]]''': Cute piece.
:'''[[w:Bobby Singer|Bobby]]''': Who are you?
:'''Ruby''': Won't stop a demon, if that's what you think.
:'''Bobby''': How the hell would you know?
:'''Ruby''': Oh, I don't know...''[blackens her eyes]'' Call it an educated guess.
:'''Bobby''': Well, ain't I lucky then? Found a subject for a test fire.
:''[Bobby raises the Colt]''
:'''Ruby''':''[laughs]'' Luck had nothing to do with it. But hey, by all means, take your best shot. ''[Bobby hesitates, Ruby becomes impatient]'' Ugh...are you gonna stand there like a pantywaist? Or are you gonna shoot-! ''[Bobby shoots her, she looks down at the wound, then looks back at Bobby]'' Ouch. This smarts a little.
:'''Bobby''': What do you want?
:'''Ruby''': Peace on earth, a new shirt. Now, do you want me to help you out with that gun, or not, hm?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hooker''': Here's what I'm going to do. Normally I charge four hundred a night. Why don't we call it an even deuce, and get the hell out of here?
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': What do I look like?
:'''Hooker''': What do ''I'' look like? Cheapskate.
:'''Casey''': ''[laughs]'' Did I just see you strike out with a prostitute? How's that work?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': ''[trying an exorcism from memory]'' Spiritus emundi, undalara, persona tote... ''[trails off, lost]''
:'''Casey''': Nice try, but I think you just ordered a pizza. Guess you should have paid more attention in Latin class.
:'''Dean''': I don't know what you're smiling about, you're not going anywhere. 
:'''Casey''': And, apparently, neither are you.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, but I got somebody coming for me and, uh, he ''did'' pay attention in class.
:'''Casey''': Oh, right - Sam. Everyone say's he's the brains of the outfit.
:'''Dean''': Everyone?
:'''Casey''': Sure. You Winchester boys are famous. Not [[w:Lindsay Lohan|Lohan]] famous, but you know.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Casey''': Hey, I didn't pull any triggers.
:'''Dean''': Yeah? You did something.
:'''Casey''': You want to know what I did -- what I really did? I had lunch.
:'''Dean''': Lunch?
:'''Casey''': Me and Trotter. He had a cheeseburger, I had a salad, and I just pointed out the money that could be made with a few businesses that cater to harmless vice. So Trotter built it, and, man, did they come. Supposedly God-fearing folk, waist-deep in booze, sex, gambling. I barely lifted a finger.
:'''Dean''': That's it?
:'''Casey''': You don't get it. All you've got to do is nudge humans in the right direction. Some whiskey here, a hooker there, and they'll walk right into Hell with big, fat smiles on their faces. Your kind is corrupt, Dean. Weak. Our will's stronger. That's why we'll win.
:'''Dean''': And that's how it ends?
:'''Casey''': No. That's how it begins.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 3)#ep49|Bedtime Stories]]'' [3.05]==
:'''Kyle''': This guy, he killed my brothers. How would you feel?
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Can't imagine anything worse.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Then we've got the three brothers, arguing over how to build houses, attacked by the [[w:Big Bad Wolf|Big, Bad Wolf]].
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': [[w:The Three Little Pigs|The Three Little Pigs]].
:'''Sam''': Yeah.
:'''Dean''': Actually, those guys were a little chubby. Oh wait, I thought all those things ended with, uh, everyone living happily ever after.
:'''Sam''': No, no, not the originals. See, the Grimm Brothers stuff was kind of like the.. the folklore of its day, full of sex, violence, cannibalism. Now, it got sanitized over the years and turned into Disney flicks and bedtime stories.
:'''Dean''': So, you think the murders are what, a reenactment? That's a little crazy.
:'''Sam''': Crazy as what? Every day of our lives?
:'''Dean''': Touché.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': ''[staring at frog on the road]'' Yeah, you're right, that's completely normal.
:'''Dean''': All right, maybe it is fairy tales. Totally messed-up fairy tales. I'll tell you one thing, there's no way I'm kissing a damned frog.
:'''Sam''': ''[gesturing to pumpkin on porch]'' Hey, check that out.
:'''Dean''': Yeah? It's close to Halloween.
:'''Sam''': Remember [[w:Cinderella|Cinderella]]? The pumpkin that turns into a coach and the mice that become horses?
:'''Dean''': Dude, could you be more gay? Don't answer that.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': I think it's [[w:Snow White|Snow White]].
:'''Dean''': Snow White? Ah, I saw that movie. Or, the porn version anyways. There was this wicked Stepmother. ''[hoots]'' She was wicked.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': You know what he said. Some good advice.
:'''Sam''': Is that what you want me to do, Dean? Just let you go?

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 3)#ep50|Red Sky at Morning]]'' [3.06]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': What a crazy old broad.
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Why, because she believes in ghosts?
:'''Dean''': Ha ha, look at you. Sticking up for your girlfriend, you cougar hound.
:'''Sam''': Bite me.
:'''Dean''': Hey, not if she bites you first. 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': How do you sleep at night?
:'''[[w:Bela Talbot|Bela]]''': On silk sheets, rolling naked in money.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Can I shoot her? 
:'''Sam''': Not in public.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Hey, Bela, how'd you get like this? Huh? What, your daddy not give you enough hugs or something?
:'''Bela''': I don't know. Your daddy give you enough? Don't you dare look down your nose at me. You're no better than I am.
:'''Dean''': We help people.
:'''Bela''': ''[scoffs]'' Come on! You do this out of vengeance and obsession. You're a stone's throw from being a serial killer. ''[Dean looks over to Sam]'' Whereas I, on the other hand, I get paid to do a job, and I do it. So you tell me, which is healthier?
:'''Sam''': Bela, why don't you just leave? We've got work to do.
:'''Bela''': Yeah. You're &quot;o&quot; for two. Bang up job so far. 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bela''': You know, when this is over, we should really have angry sex.
:'''Dean''': ''(after thinking hard)'' Don't objectify me.

==''[[w:Fresh Blood (Supernatural)|Fresh Blood]]'' [3.07]==
:'''[[w:Gordon Walker (Supernatural)|Gordon]]''': Sam Winchester's the Antichrist.
:'''[[w:Bela Talbot|Bela]]''': Ooh. I'd heard something about that...
:'''Gordon''': It's true.
:'''Bela''': ...from my good friend, the Easter Bunny. Who'd heard it from the Tooth Fairy. Are you off your meds?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bela''': You make me an offer and I think you'll find me highly cooperative.
:'''Gordon''': Okay, how about you tell me where they are, or I kill you right now?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': That vampire's still out there, Dean.
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': First things first.
:'''Sam''': Gordon.
:'''Dean''': About that, when we find him, or if he finds us.
:'''Sam''': Yeah?
:'''Dean''': Well I'm just saying, he's not leaving us a whole lot of options.
:'''Sam''': Yeah, I know. We've gotta kill him.
:'''Dean''': Really? Just like that? I thought you would have been like, &quot;No, we can't, he's a human, it's wrong.&quot;
:'''Sam''': No I'm done. I mean Gordon's not gonna stop until we're dead. Or 'til he is.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': You know what, man? I'm sick and tired of your old stupid kamikaze trick.
:'''Dean''': Whoa, whoa, kamikaze? I'm more like a ninja.
:'''Sam''': That's not funny.
:'''Dean''': It's a little funny.
:'''Sam''': No, it's not.
:'''Dean''': What do you want me to do, Sam, huh? Sit around all day writing sad poems about how I'm going to die? You know what, I've got one. ''[picks up notepad]'' Let's see, what rhymes with, &quot;Shut up, Sam&quot;? 
:'''Sam''': Dude. ''[knocks the notepad out of Dean's hand]'' Drop the attitude, Dean. Quit turning everything into a punchline. And you know something else? Stop trying to act like you're not afraid.
:'''Dean''': I'm not!
:'''Sam''': You're ''lying''. And you may as well drop it cause I can see right through you.
:'''Dean''': You've got no idea what you're talking about.
:'''Sam''': Yeah, I do. You're scared, Dean. You're scared because your year is running out, and you're still going to Hell, and you're freaked.
:'''Dean''': And how do you know that?
:'''Sam''': Because I know you!
:'''Dean''': Really?
:'''Sam''': Yeah, because I've been following you around my entire life! I mean, I've been looking up to you since I was four, Dean! Studying you, trying to be just like my big brother. So, yeah, I know you. Better than anyone else in the entire world. And this... is exactly how you act when you're terrified. And, I mean, I can't blame you. It's just...
:'''Dean''': What?
:'''Sam''': It's just, I wish you would drop the show and be my brother again. 'Cause... just 'cause.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': I got to hand it to you Sam, you've got a lot of people fooled, but see, I know the truth. I know what it's like. We're the same now, you and me. I know how it is walking around with something evil inside you. It's just too bad you won't do the right thing and kill yourself. I'm gonna, as soon as I'm done with you. Two last good deeds. Killing you and killing myself.

==''[[w:A Very Supernatural Christmas|A Very Supernatural Christmas]]'' [3.08]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': So was I right? Was it the serial killing chimney-sweep?
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Yep. It's uh, it's actually [[w:Dick Van Dyke|Dick Van Dyke]].
:'''Dean''': Who?
:'''Sam''': ''[[w:Mary Poppins (film)|Mary Poppins]]''.
:'''Dean''': Who's that?
:'''Sam''': Oh, come on. Never mind.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': I mean, I'm just saying, that there's some version of the anti-Claus in every culture. You've got [[w:Belsnickel|Belsnickel]], [[w:Krampus|Krampus]], [[w:Zwarte Piet|Black Peter]], whatever you want to call it there's all sorts of lore.
:'''Dean''': Saying what?
:'''Sam''': Saying back in the day, Santa' brother went rogue and now he shows up around Christmas-time, but instead of bringing presents he punishes the wicked.
:'''Dean''': By hauling their asses up chimneys.
:'''Sam''': For starters, yeah.
:'''Dean''': So this is your theory, huh? Santa's shady brother?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': What are you talking about? We had some great Christmases. 
:'''Sam''': Whose childhood are you talking about?
:'''Dean''': Oh, come on, Sam.
:'''Sam''': No, just... no.
:'''Dean''': All right, [[w:Grinch|Grinch]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Christmas is Jesus' birthday.
:'''Sam''': No, Jesus' birthday was probably in the fall. It was actually the Winter Solstice Festival that was co-opted by the church and renamed Christmas. But I mean the Yule log, the tree, even Santa's red suit, that's all remnants of Pagan worship.
:'''Dean''': How do you know that? What're you gonna tell me next? The Easter Bunny's Jewish? 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Madge Carrigan''': This might pinch a bit, dear. ''[cuts Dean's arm]''
:'''Dean''': Ah! You bitch!
:'''Madge''': Oh, my goodness me! Somebody owes a nickel to the swear jar. Oh, do you know what I say when I feel like swearing? &quot;Fudge.&quot;
:'''Dean''': I'll try and remember that. 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Aw, you fudgin' touch me again, I'll FUDGIN' KILL YA! 
:'''Madge''': Better!

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 3)#ep53|Malleus Maleficarum]]'' [3.09]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': I hate witches. They're always spewing their bodily fluids everywhere. 
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Pretty much.
:'''Dean''': It's creepy. Hell, it's downright unsanitary!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': They killed the nut job. Should we, uh, thank them or what?
:'''Sam''': They're working black magic, too, Dean. They need to be stopped.
:'''Dean''': Stopped like, ''stopped''? They're human, Sam.
:'''Sam''': They're murderers.
:'''Dean''': Burn, witch, burn.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': It's not so simple. We're not, we're not just hunting anymore. We're at war.
:'''Dean''': Are you feeling okay?
:'''Sam''': ''[sighs]'' Why are you always asking me that?
:'''Dean''': 'Cause you're taking advice from a demon, for starters. And by the way, you seem less and less worried about offing people. You know, it used to eat you up inside.
:'''Sam''': Yeah, and what has that gotten me?
:'''Dean''': Nothing, but it's just what you're supposed to do, okay? We're supposed to drive in the friggin' car, and friggin' argue about this stuff. You know, you go on about the sanctity of life and all that crap.
:'''Sam''': Wait, so you're mad because I'm starting to agree with you?
:'''Dean''': No, I'm not mad, I'm-I'm... I'm worried, Sam. I'm worried because you're not acting like yourself.
:'''Sam''': Yeah you're right, I'm not. I don't have a choice?
:'''Dean''': What is that supposed to mean?
:'''Sam''': Look, Dean, you're leaving, right? And I got to stay here in this crap-hole of a world... alone. So, the way I see it, if I'm gonna make it, if I'm gonna fight this war after you're gone, then I gotta change. 
:'''Dean''': Change into what?
:'''Sam''': Into you. I gotta be more like you. 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': So let me get this straight. You were human once. You died, you went to Hell, and you became a... 
:'''[[w:Ruby (Supernatural)|Ruby]]''': Yeah.
:'''Dean''': How long ago?
:'''Ruby''': Back when the plague was big.
:'''Dean''': So all of them? What, every damn demon, they were all human once?
:'''Ruby''': Every one I've ever met.
:'''Dean''': Well they sure don't act like it.
:'''Ruby''': Most of them have forgotten what it means, or even that they were. That's what happens when you go to Hell, Dean. That's what Hell is. Forgetting what you are. 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ruby''': The answer is, &quot;Yes,&quot; by the way. 
:'''Dean''': Sorry?
:'''Ruby''': Yes, same thing will happen to you. It might take centuries, but sooner or later, Hell will burn away your humanity. Every hell-bound soul, every one, turns into something else. Turns you into us, so, yeah. Yeah, you can count on it.
:'''Dean''': There's no way of saving me from the Pit, is there?
:'''Ruby''': ''[sighs]'' No.

==''[[w:Dream a Little Dream of Me (Supernatural)|Dream a Little Dream of Me]]'' [3.10]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': There you are. What are you doing?
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Having a drink.
:'''Dean''': It's two in the afternoon. Drinking whiskey?
:'''Sam''': I drink whiskey all the time.
:'''Dean''': No, you don't. 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': But really, the thing is, no one can save you.
:'''Dean''': What I've been telling you.
:'''Sam''': No, that's not what I mean. I mean no one can save you because you don't want to be saved.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': So, what was Bobby doing in Pittsburgh?
:'''Dean''': Unless he was taking an extremely lame vacation...
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Nightmare Dean''': What are the things that you want? What are the things that you dream? I mean, your car — that's Dad's. Your favorite leather jacket — Dad's. Your music — Dad's. Do you even have an original thought? No. No, all there is is, &quot;Watch out for Sammy. Look after your little brother, boy!&quot; You can still hear your dad's voice in your head, can't you? Clear as a bell.
:'''Dean''': Just shut up.
:'''Nightmare Dean''': I mean, think about it. All he ever did was train you, boss you around. But Sam, Sam he doted on. Sam, he loved. 
:'''Dean''': I mean it. I'm getting angry.
:'''Nightmare Dean''': Dad knew who you really were. A good soldier and nothing else. Daddy's blunt little instrument. Your own father didn't care whether you lived or died! Why should you?
:'''Dean''': Son of a bitch! My father was an obsessed bastard! All that crap he dumped on me about protecting Sam, that was his crap! He's the one who couldn't protect his family! He... He's the one who let Mom die, who wasn't there for Sam! I always was! He wasn't fair! I didn't deserve what he put on me, and I don't deserve to go to Hell! ''[shoots the Nightmare version]''
:[...]
:'''Nightmare Dean''': ''[with black, demon eyes]'' You can't escape me, Dean!  You're gonna die, and this... this is what you're gonna become!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Sam?
:'''Sam''': Yeah?
:'''Dean''': I've been doing some thinking. And, well, the thing is... I don't wanna die. I don't wanna go to Hell.
:'''Sam''': Alright, yeah. We'll find a way to save you.
:'''Dean''': Okay, good.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 3)#ep55|Mystery Spot]]'' [3.11]==
:''(Heat of The Moment is playing on the alarm as Sam sits up.)'' 
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Rise and shine, Sammy!
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Dude, Asia?
:'''Dean''': Aw, you love this song and you know it.
:'''Sam''': Yeah, and if I ever hear it again, I'm gonna kill myself.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': He'll take the special, side of bacon, coffee black. Nothing for me, thanks.
:'''Waitress''': You got it. 
:'''Dean''': Sammy, I get all tingly when you take control like that.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Yesterday was tuesday right? But today's tuesday too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After Sam tells Dean he got hit by a car the day before]''
:'''Dean''': Did it look cool, like in the movies?
:'''Sam''': You peed yourself.
:'''Dean''': Of course, I peed myself. Man gets hits by a car, you think he has full control over his bladder? Come on!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': My point is, I've lived through every possible Tuesday. I've watched you die every possible way. I have ripped apart the Mystery Spot, burnt it down, tried everything I know to save your life, and I can't. No matter what I do, you die. And then I wake up. And then it's Tuesday again.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Trickster''': Sam, there's a lesson here that I've been trying to drill into that freakish Cro-Magnon skull of yours.
:'''Sam''': Lesson, what lesson?
:'''Trickster''': This obsession to save Dean. The way you two keep sacrificing yourselves for each other. Nothing good comes out of us, just blood and pain. Dean's your weakness. The bad guys know it, too. It's gonna be the death of you, Sam. Sometimes, you just gotta let people go.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 3)#ep56|Jus In Bello]]'' [3.12]==
:'''Henriksen''': You know what I'm trying to decide?
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': I don't know. What? Whether Cialis will help you with your little condition?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Henriksen''': I've got a lot to celebrate, I mean, after all. Seeing you two in chains?
:'''Dean''': You kinky son of a bitch. We don't swing that way!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': You were possessed.
:'''Henriksen''': Possessed like... possessed?
:'''Sam''': That's what it feels like. Now you know.
:'''Dean''': I owe you the biggest, &quot;I told you so,&quot; ever.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Henriksen''': Shotgun shells full of salt.
:'''Dean''': Whatever works.
:'''Henriksen''': Fightin' off monsters with condiments. So, turns out demons are real.
:'''Dean''': FYI, ghosts are real too. So are werewolves, vampires, changelings, evil clowns that eat people.
:'''Henriksen''': Okay, then.
:'''Dean''': Makes you feel better, Big Foot's a hoax.
:'''Henriksen''': It doesn't.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Henriksen''': What's out there? Can you guys beat it?  Can you win?
:'''Dean''': ''[considers his answer]''  Honestly? I think the world's gonna end bloody. But it doesn't mean we shouldn't fight. We do have choices. I choose to go down swingin'. :''[smiles]''
:'''Henriksen''': Plus, you've got nothin' to go home to but your brother.
:'''Dean''': Yeah.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 3)#ep57|Ghostfacers]]'' [3.13]==
:'''[[w:List of Supernatural characters#Ed Zeddmore and Harry Spangler|Ed]]''': We know you've had it hard during the crippling writer's strike.
:'''Harry''': Lazy fat cats!
:'''Ed''': Who needs writers when you've got guys like us?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Harry''': ''[to Sam and Dean]'' Who made you guys recurring guest stars?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Crap. Crap. Taxidermy, 'kay. You said Daggett was a hospital janitor?
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Yeah.
:'''Dean''': Eww. We got three toe tags here. One, death by gunshots, train accident, and suicide.
:'''Sam''': Eww.
:'''Harry''': What?
:'''Sam''': Well that explains why all the death echoes are here.
:''[Ed and Harry look confused]''
:'''Sam''': They're here because their bodies are here... Somewhere in the house.
:''[Ed and Harry still look confused]''  
:'''Dean''': Daggett brought the remains home from the morgue to &quot;play&quot;.
:'''Ed and Harry together''': ''[After a pause]'' Eww!
:'''Spruce''': Oh, that's nasty, dude.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Ed, listen to me. There's some salt in my duffel. Make a circle and get inside.
:'''Ed''': Inside your duffel bag?
:'''Dean''': In the salt, you idiot!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ed''': And here we were thinking that, you know, we were teaching you. And all this time you were teaching us about heart and about dedication and about how gay love can pierce through the veil of death and save the day.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 3)#ep58|Long-Distance Call]]'' [3.14]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': I just talked to an 84-year-old grandmother who's having phone sex with her husband. Who died in Korea.
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Ugh.
:'''Dean''': Completely rocked my understanding of the word necrophilia.
&lt;hr width= &quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sam''': ''[about a demon]'' And it's following you because...?
:'''Dean''': I guess I'm big game, you know? My ass is too sweet to let out of sight.
&lt;hr width= &quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sam''': Dean, it's not Dad.
:'''Dean''': Then what is it?
:'''Sam''': A Crocotta.
:'''Dean''': Is that a sandwich?
&lt;hr width= &quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crocotta''': ''[Talking about the technology we have nowadays]'' You're all so ''connected''... But you've never been so alone.
&lt;hr width= &quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dean''': The only person who can get me out of this thing is me.
:'''Sam''': And me.
:'''Dean''': &quot;And me&quot;?
:'''Sam''': What?
:'''Dean''': Deep revelation, having a real moment here. That's what you come back with? &quot;And me&quot;?
:'''Sam''': Do you want a poem?
:'''Dean''': Moment's gone. Unbelievable.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 3)#ep59|Time Is On My Side]]'' [3.15]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': I mean, obviously, I wanna hunt some zombies.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Coroner''': So, you're cops and morons.
:'''Dean''': Excuse me? No, no. We're very smart!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Coroner''': Didn't you read my report?
:'''Dean''': Of course, we did. Oh, it was-it was riveting, a real page-turner. Just delightful.
:'''Coroner''': You done?
:'''Dean''': I think so.
:'''Coroner''': Please, go away.
:'''Dean''': Okay.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rufus''': You do her ear?
:'''Dean''': Hey man, I'll try anything once, but I don't know, that sounds uncomfortable.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Hiya, Bela. Here's a fun fact you may not know: I felt your hand in my pocket when you swiped that motel receipt.
:'''[[w:Bela Talbot|Bela]]''': You don't understand.
:'''Dean''': Oh, I'm pretty sure I understand perfectly. Y'see, I noticed something interesting in your hotel room. Something tucked above the door, an herb. Devil's Shoestring. Well there's only one use for that. Holding Hellhounds at bay. So you know what I did? I went back and I took another look at your folks' obit. Turns out they died ten years ago, today. You didn't kill 'em. A demon did your dirty work. You made a deal, didn't you, Bela? And it's come due.
:'''Crossroad Demon''': ''[flashback, young Bela swinging, crying]'' I can take care of them for you. And it won't even cost you anything for ten whole years. ''[her eyes glow red]''
:'''Dean''': Is that why you stole the Colt, huh? Try to wiggle out of your deal? Our gun for your soul?
:'''Bela''': Yes.
:'''Dean''': But stealing the Colt wasn't quite enough, I'm guessing.
:'''Bela''': They changed the deal. They wanted me to kill Sam.
:'''Dean''': ''[sarcastic]'' Really. Wow. Demons, untrustworthy. ''[chuckles]'' Shocker. That's, uh, kind of a tight deadline too, uh, what time is it? Oh, look at that! Almost midnight.
:'''Bela''': ''[crying]'' Dean, listen, I need help.
:'''Dean''': Sweetheart, we are weeks past help.
:'''Bela''': I know I don't deserve it.
:'''Dean''': You know what, you're right. You don't. But you know what the bitch of the bunch is? If you would have just come to us sooner and asked for help, we probably could have taken the Colt and saved you.
:'''Bela''': ''[still crying]'' I know, and saved yourself. I know about your deal, Dean.
:'''Dean''': And who told you that?
:'''Bela''': The demon that holds it. She holds mine, too. She says she holds every deal.
:'''Dean''': She?
:'''Bela''': Her name's Lilith.
:'''Dean''': ...Lilith? Why should I believe you?
:'''Bela''': You shouldn't, but it's the truth.
:'''Dean''': This can't help you, Bela. Not now. Why are you tellin' me this?
:'''Bela''': Because just maybe you can kill the bitch.
:'''Dean''': ''[long pause]'' I'll see you in Hell.
:''[Dean hangs up on her. Bela hangs up as the clock switches to 12:00 midnight. Hellhounds howl in the background. Bela stands to look out window, and there is a crash as the Hellhounds presumably attack and scene fades to black]''

==''[[w:No Rest for the Wicked (Supernatural)|No Rest for the Wicked]]'' [3.16]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Why don't we just make a T.J. run. You know, some señoritas, cervezas, uh, we could, what's Spanish for &quot;donkey show&quot;?
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': So if we do save you... let's never do that.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Sammy, all I'm saying is that you're my weak spot. You are. And I'm yours.
:'''Sam''': You don't mean that. We're--we're family.
:'''Dean''': I know. And those evil sons of bitches know it, too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Bobby Singer|Bobby]]''': Where do you think you're going?
:'''Dean''': We've got the knife.
:'''Bobby''': And you intend to use it without me. Do I look like a ditchable prom-date to you?
:'''Sam''': No, Bobby. Of course not.
:'''Dean''': This is about me... and Sam. Okay? This isn't your fight.
:'''Bobby''': The hell it isn't! Family don't end with blood, boy!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': If this is my last day on earth, I do not want it to be socially awkward.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': I'm not gonna let you go to Hell, Dean!
:'''Dean''': Yes, you are! Yes, you are! I'm sorry! I mean this is all my fault. I know that. But what you're doing, it's not gonna save me. It's only gonna kill you.
:'''Sam''': Then what am I supposed to do?
:'''Dean''': Keep fighting. Take care of my wheels. Sam, remember what Dad taught you, okay? And remember what I taught you.

==Cast==
*[[w:Jared Padalecki|Jared Padalecki]] - [[w:Sam Winchester|Sam Winchester]] 
*[[w:Jensen Ackles|Jensen Ackles]] - [[w:Dean Winchester|Dean Winchester]]
*[[w:Katie Cassidy|Katie Cassidy]] - [[w:Ruby (Supernatural)|Ruby]]
*[[w:Lauren Cohan|Lauren Cohan]] - [[w:Bela Talbot/Lugosi/Alex|Bela Talbot]]
*[[w:Jim Beaver|Jim Beaver]] - [[w:Bobby Singer|Bobby Singer]]
*[[w:Jeffrey Dean Morgan|Jeffrey Dean Morgan]] - [[w:John Winchester|John Winchester]]
*[[w:Nicki Aycox|Nicki Aycox]], [[w:Rachel Miner|Rachel Miner]] - [[w:Meg Masters|Meg]]
*[[w:Richard Speight, Jr.|Richard Speight, Jr.]] - [[w:Gabriel (Supernatural)|The Trickster]]
*[[w:Sterling K. Brown|Sterling K. Brown]] as [[w:Gordon Walker (Supernatural)|Gordon Walker]]
*[[w:Michael Massee|Michael Massee]] as Kubrick
*[[w:Cindy Sampson|Cindy Sampson]] as [[w:Lisa Braeden|Lisa Braeden]]
*[[w:A. J. Buckley|A. J. Buckley]] as [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Ed Zeddmore and Harry Spangler|Ed Zeddmore]]
*[[w:Nicholas Elia|Nicholas Elia]] as Ben Braeden
*[[w:Sierra McCormick|Sierra McCormick]] as [[w:Lilith (Supernatural)|Lilith]]
*[[w:Travis Wester|Travis Wester]] as [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Ed Zeddmore and Harry Spangler|Harry Spangler]]
*[[w:Charles Malik Whitfield|Charles Malik Whitfield]] as FBI Agent Victor Henriksen
*[[w:Steven Williams|Steven Williams]] as Rufus Turner

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{imdb title|0460681|Supernatural}}
*[http://www.supernaturalwiki.com Supernatural Wiki]
*[http://www.supernaturaltv.info Watch Supernatural]

{{center|'''Season'''&amp;nbsp; [[Supernatural (season 1)|1]] • [[Supernatural (season 2)|2]] • [[Supernatural (season 3)|3]] • [[Supernatural (season 4)|4]] • [[Supernatural (season 5)|5]] • [[Supernatural (season 6)|6]] • [[Supernatural (season 7)|7]] • [[Supernatural (season 8)|8]] • [[Supernatural (season 9)|9]] • [[Supernatural (season 10)|10]] • [[Supernatural (American TV series)|Main]]}}

[[Category:Supernatural (U.S. TV series) seasons]]</text>
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    <title>Supernatural (season 4)</title>
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'''''[[Supernatural (American TV series)|Supernatural]]''''' (2005–2020) is a paranormal/horror/thriller/drama-themed television series on the WB Television Network (now merged with UPN into the new network The CW) that details the lives of two brothers who travel across the country in a black 1967 Chevy Impala investigating paranormal events and other unexplained occurrences.&amp;nbsp; '''[[w:Supernatural (season 4)|Season four]]''' originally aired from 18 September 2008 to 14 May 2009.

{{center|'''Season'''&amp;nbsp; [[Supernatural (season 1)|1]] • [[Supernatural (season 2)|2]] • [[Supernatural (season 3)|3]] • [[Supernatural (season 4)|4]] • [[Supernatural (season 5)|5]] • [[Supernatural (season 6)|6]] • [[Supernatural (season 7)|7]] • [[Supernatural (season 8)|8]] • [[Supernatural (season 9)|9]] • [[Supernatural (season 10)|10]] • [[Supernatural (American TV series)|Main]]}}

==''[[w:Lazarus Rising (Supernatural)|Lazarus Rising]]'' [4.01]==   
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Surprise. 
:'''[[w:Bobby Singer|Bobby]]''': I, I don't...
:'''Dean''': Yeah, me neither. But here I am. ''[Suddenly, Bobby attacks Dean.]'' Bobby! Bobby! It's me!
:'''Bobby''': My ass!
:'''Dean''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait! Your name is Robert Steven Singer. You became a hunter after your wife got possessed. You're about the closest thing I have to a father. Bobby. It's me. ''[Bobby attacks Dean again]'' I am not a shapeshifter!
:'''Bobby''': Then you're a Revenant!
:'''Dean''': All right. If I was either, could I do this with a silver knife? ''[cuts his arm]''
:'''Bobby''': Dean?
:'''Dean''': That's what I've been trying to tell you.
:'''Bobby''': ''[Bobby hugs Dean]'' It's... it's good to see you, boy.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, you too. 
:'''Bobby''': But... how did you bust out?
:'''Dean''': I don't know. I just, uh, I just woke up in a pine box...
:''[Suddenly, Bobby splashes holy water in Dean's face. Dean pauses, spits.]'' 
:'''Dean''': I'm not a demon, either, you know. 
:'''Bobby''': Sorry. Can't be too careful.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby''': But... that don't make a lick of sense.
:'''Dean''': Yeah. Yeah, you're preachin' to the choir.
:'''Bobby''': Dean, your chest was ribbons, your insides were slop. And you've been buried four months. Even if you could slip out of Hell and back into your meat suit...
:'''Dean''': I know, I should look like a Thriller video reject. 
:'''Bobby''': What do you remember?
:'''Dean''': Not much. I remember I was a Hellhound's chew toy, and then lights out. Then I come to six feet under. That was it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Pamela''': Right, take each other's hands. And I need to touch something our mystery monster touched.
:'''Dean''': Whoa. Well, he didn't touch me there.
:'''Pamela''': ''[Laughs]'' My mistake.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Female Demon''': Dean, to hell and back. Aren't you a lucky duck?
:'''Dean''': That's me.
:'''Female Demon''': So you get to just stroll out of the Pit, huh? Tell me, what makes you so special?
:'''Dean''': I like to think it's because of my perky nipples.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Ruby (Supernatural)|Ruby]]''': So, million dollar question: you going to tell Dean about what we're doing?
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Yeah, I just gotta figure out the right way to say it. Look, I just need time, okay? That's all.
:'''Ruby''': Sam, he's going to find out, and if it's not from you he's going to be pissed.
:'''Sam''': He's going to be pissed, anyway. I mean, he's so hardheaded about this psychic stuff he'll just try and stop me.
:'''Ruby''': Look. Maybe I'll just take a step back for a while. 
:'''Sam''': Ruby, you...
:'''Ruby''': I mean, I'm not exactly in your brother's fan club. But he is your brother, and I'm not going to come between you. 
:'''Sam''': I don't know if what I'm doing is right. Hell, I don't even know if I trust you. 
:'''Ruby''': Thanks.
:'''Sam''': But what I do know is I'm saving people. And stopping demons. And that feels good. I want to keep going.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Who are you?
:'''[[w:Castiel (Supernatural)|Castiel]]''': I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from [[w:Hell|Perdition]].

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 4)#ep62|Are You There, God?&amp;nbsp; It's Me, Dean Winchester]]'' [4.02]== 
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': I mean, I've saved some people, okay? I figured that made up for the-for the stealing and the...and the ditching chicks. But why do I deserve to get saved? I'm just a regular guy.
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Apparently, you're a regular guy that's important to the Man upstairs.
:'''Dean''': Well, that creeps me out. I mean, I don't like getting singled out at birthday parties, much less by... God.
:'''Sam''': Okay, well, too bad, Dean. Because I think He wants you to strap on your party hat.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Meg Masters|Meg]]''': Dean Winchester, still so bossy. You don't recognize me? This is what I looked like before that demon cut off my hair and dressed me like a slut.
:'''Dean''': Meg?
:'''Meg''': Hi! It's okay, I'm not a demon.
:'''Dean''': You're the girl the demon possessed.
:'''Meg''': Meg Masters. Nice to finally talk to you when I'm not, you know, choking on my own blood. It's okay. Seriously, I'm just a college girl... sorry, was. I was walking home one night and got jumped by all this smoke. Next thing you know, I'm a prisoner... in here. You know I was awake? I had to watch while she murdered people.
:'''Dean''': Sorry.
:'''Meg''': Oh, yeah, so sorry you had me thrown off a building.
:'''Dean''': Well, we thought...
:'''Meg''': No, you didn't think. I kept waiting, praying, I was trapped in there, screaming at you, &quot;Just help me, please!&quot; You're supposed to help people, Dean, why didn't you help me?
:'''Dean''': I'm sorry.
:'''Meg''': Stop saying you're sorry.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Meg''': It wasn't just me, Dean. I had a sister. A little sister. She worshiped me You know how little siblings are, right? How they'll do anything for you. She was never the same after I disappeared. She just... she just got lost. And when my body was lying there in the morgue, beat up? Broken? Do you know what that did to her? She killed herself! Because of you, Dean! Because all you were thinking about was your family! Your revenge and your demons! 50 words of Latin a little sooner and I'd still be alive, my baby sister would still be alive!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': See, this is why I can't get behind God.
:'''Sam''': What are you talking about?
:'''Dean''': If He doesn't exist, fine. Bad crap happens to good people. That's how it is. There's no rhyme or reason. Just random, horrible, evil. I get it, okay. I can roll with that. But if He is out there, what's wrong with Him? Where the hell is He while all these decent people are getting torn to shreds? How does He live with Himself? You know, why doesn't He help?
:'''Bobby''': I ain't touching this one with at 10-foot pole.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Castiel (Supernatural)|Castiel]]''': Excellent job with the Witnesses.
:'''Dean''': You were hip to all this?
:'''Castiel''': I was, um, made aware.
:'''Dean''': Well, thanks a lot for the angelic assistance. You know, I almost got my heart ripped out of my chest.
:'''Castiel''': But you didn't.
:'''Dean''': I thought angels were supposed to be guardians. Fluffy wings, halos. You know, [[w:Michael Landon|Michael Landon]]. Not dicks.
:'''Castiel''': Read the Bible. Angels are warriors of God. I'm a soldier.
:'''Dean''': Yeah? Then, why didn't you fight?
:'''Castiel''': I'm not here to perch on your shoulder. We had larger concerns.
:'''Dean''': Concerns? There were people getting torn to shreds down here! And, by the way, while all this is going on, where the hell is your Boss, huh, if there is a God?
:'''Castiel''': There's a God.
:'''Dean''': I'm not convinced. 'Cause if there's a God, what the hell is He waiting for, huh? Genocide? Monsters roaming the earth? The freaking Apocalypse? At what point does He lift a damn finger and help the poor bastards that are stuck down here?
:'''Castiel''': The Lord works...
:'''Dean''': If you say, &quot;mysterious ways,&quot; so help me, I will kick your ass. So, Bobby was right... about the Witnesses... this is some kind of a... sign of the Apocalypse.
:'''Castiel''': That's why we're here. Big things afoot.
:'''Dean''': Do I want to know what kind of things?
:'''Castiel''': I sincerely doubt it, but you need to know. The Rising of the Witnesses is one of the 66 Seals.
:'''Dean''': Okay. I'm guessing that's not a show at Sea World.
:'''Castiel''': Those Seals are being broken. By Lilith.
:'''Dean''': She did the spell. She rose the Witnesses.
:'''Castiel''': Mm-hmm. And not just here. Twenty other hunters are dead.
:'''Dean''': Of course. She picked victims that the hunters couldn't save so that they would barrel right after us.
:'''Castiel''': Lilith has a certain sense of humor.
:'''Dean''': Well, we put those spirits back to rest.
:'''Castiel''': It doesn't matter. The Seal was broken.
:'''Dean''': Why break the Seal anyway?
:'''Castiel''': You think of the Seals as locks on a door.
:'''Dean''': ... Okay. Last one opens and...
:'''Castiel''': Lucifer walks free.
:'''Dean''': Lucifer? But I thought Lucifer was just a story they told at demon Sunday school. There's no such thing.
:'''Castiel''': Three days ago, you thought there was no such thing as me. Why do you think we're here walking among you now for the first time in 2,000 years?
:'''Dean''': To stop Lucifer.
:'''Castiel''': That's why we've arrived.
:'''Dean''': Well... bang-up job so far. Stellar work with the Witnesses. That's nice.
:'''Castiel''': We tried. There are other battles, other Seals. Some we'll win, some we'll lose. This one we lost. Our numbers are not unlimited. Six of my brothers died in the field this week. You think the armies of heaven should just follow you around? There's a bigger picture here. You should show me some respect. I dragged you out of hell. I can throw you back in.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 4)#ep63|In The Beginning]]'' [4.03]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': What is this?
:'''[[w:Castiel (Supernatural)|Castiel]]''': What does it look like?
:'''Dean''': Is it real?
:'''Castiel''': Very.
:'''Dean''': Okay, so, what? Angels got their hands on some DeLoreans? How did I get here?
:'''Castiel''': Time is fluid, Dean, it's not easy, but we can bend it on occasion.
:'''Dean''': Well, bend it back, or tell me what the hell I'm doing here!
:'''Castiel''': I told you. You have to stop it.
:'''Dean''': Stop what? Huh? What, is there something nasty after my dad? ''[Dean turns as a car horn sounds. When he turns back Castiel is gone.]'' Oh, come on! What, are you allergic to straight answers, you son of a bitch?! 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Sammy, wherever you are, Mom is a babe. I'm going to Hell. Again.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': So what? God's my copilot, is that it? ''[Castiel just looks at him, and Dean glances over again.]'' Well, you're a regular Chatty Kathy. Tell me something, Sam would have wanted in on this. Why not bring him back?
:'''Castiel''': You had to do this alone, Dean.
:'''Dean''': And you don't care that he's tearing up the future looking for me right now?
:'''Castiel''': Sam's not looking for you.
:'''Dean''': Alright, if I do this, then the family curse breaks right? Mom and Dad live happily ever after, and- and, Sam and I grow up playing Little League and chasing tail?
:'''Castiel''': You realize, if you do alter the future, your father, you, Sam, you'll never become hunters. And all those people you saved, they'll die.
:'''Dean''': I realize.
:'''Castiel''': And you don't care?
:'''Dean''': Oh, I care. I care a lot. But these are my parents. I'm not gonna let them die, again. I can't, no, not if I can stop it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Azazel (Supernatural)|Azazel]]''': ''[to Dean]'' You know what I'm gonna do to your sibling? I'm gonna stand over their crib and I'm gonna bleed into their mouth. Demon blood is better than Ovaltine. Vitamins, minerals... it makes you big and strong!
:'''Dean''': For what? So they can lead your discount demon army? Is that your big plan?
:'''Azazel''': Please. My end game's a hell of a lot bigger than that, kid. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': I couldn't stop any of it. She still made the deal. She still died in the nursery didn't she?
:'''Castiel''': Don't be too hard on yourself, you couldn't have stopped it.
:'''Dean''': What?
:'''Castiel''': Destiny can't be changed Dean. All roads lead to the same destination.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 4)#ep64|Metamorphosis]]'' [4.04]==
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Dean, what are you doing? What, are you, are you leaving?
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': You don't need me. You and Ruby go fight demons.
:'''Sam''': Hold on. Dean, come on, man. ''[Dean punches Sam in the face]'' You satisfied? ''[Dean hits him again]'' I guess not.
:'''Dean''': Do you even know how far off the reservation you've gone? How far from normal? From human?
:'''Sam''': I'm just exorcising demons.
:'''Dean''': With your mind! What else can you do?
:'''Sam''': I can send them back to hell. It only works with demons, and that's it.
:'''Dean''': What else can you do?!
:'''Sam''': I told you!
:'''Dean''': And I have every reason in the world to believe that.
:'''Sam''': Look, I should have said something. I'm sorry, Dean. I am. But try to see the other side here.
:'''Dean''': The other side?
:'''Sam''': I'm pulling demons out of innocent people.
:'''Dean''': Use the knife!
:'''Sam''': The knife kills the victim! What I do, most of them survive! Look, I've saved more people in the last five months than we save in a year.
:'''Dean''': That what Ruby want you to think? Huh? Kind of like the way she tricked you into using your powers? Slippery slope, brother. Just wait and see. Because it's gonna get darker and darker, and God knows where it ends.
:'''Sam''': I'm not gonna let it go too far.
:'''Dean''': ''[smashes lamp]'' It's already gone too far, Sam. If I didn't you know... I would want to hunt you. And so would other hunters.
:'''Sam''': You were gone. I was here. I had to keep on fighting without you. And what I'm doing... it works.
:'''Dean''': Well, tell me. If it's so terrific, then why'd you lie about it to me? Why did an angel tell me to stop you?
:'''Sam''': What?
:'''Dean''': Cas' said that if I don't stop you, he will. See what that means, Sam? That means that God doesn't want you doing this. So, are you just gonna stand there and tell me everything is all good?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Sam loves research. He does. He keeps it under his mattress right next to his KY.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': You want to know why I've been lying to you, Dean? Because of crap like this!
:'''Dean''': Like what?
:'''Sam''': The way you talk to me, the way you look at me like I'm a freak!
:'''Dean''': I do not.
:'''Sam''': You know, or even worse, like I'm an idiot! Like I don't know the difference between right and wrong! What?
:'''Dean''': Do you know the difference, Sam? I mean, you've been kind of strolling a dark road, lately.
:'''Sam''': You have no idea what I'm going through. None.
:'''Dean''': Then enlighten me!
:'''Sam''': I've got demon blood in me, Dean. This disease pumping through my veins and I can't ever rip it out or scrub it clean. I'm a whole new level of freak! And I'm just trying to take this - this curse... and make something good out of it. Because I have to.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': ''[to Jack Montgomery]'' Listen to me. You've got this dark pit inside you. I know. Believe me, I know. But that doesn't mean you have to fall into it. You don't have to be a monster.
:'''Jack''': ''[laughs]'' Have you seen me lately?
:'''Sam''': It doesn't matter what you are. It only matters what you do. It's your choice.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': You did the right thing, you know. That guy was a monster, there was no going back. Sam, I wanna tell you I'm sorry. I've been kind of hard on you, lately.
:'''Sam''': Don't worry about it, Dean.
:'''Dean''': It's just that your, uh, your psychic thing, it scares the crap out of me.
:'''Sam''': Look, if it's all the same. I'd really rather not talk about it.
:'''Dean''': Wait. What? You don't want to talk? You?
:'''Sam''': There's nothing more to say. I can't keep explaining myself to you. I can't make you understand.
:'''Dean''': Why don't you try?
:'''Sam''': I can't. Because this thing, this blood, it's not in you the way it's in me. It's just something I've gotta deal with.
:'''Dean''': Not alone.
:'''Sam''': Anyway, it doesn't matter. These powers... it's playing with fire. I'm done with them. I'm done with everything.
:'''Dean''': Really? Well, that's a relief. Thank you.
:'''Sam''': Don't thank me. I'm not doing it for you. Or for the angels or for anybody. This is my choice.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 4)#ep65|Monster Movie]]'' [4.05]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Come on man, it's like the good old days! An honest-to-goodness monster hunt! It's about time the Winchesters got back to tackling a straightforward, black-and-white case.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': We've still got to see the new &quot;raiders&quot; movie.
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Saw it.
:'''Dean''': Without me?
:'''Sam''': You were in Hell.
:'''Dean''': That's no excuse!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Can you describe her assailant?
:'''Ed Brewer''': Oh, he was a vampire.
:'''Dean''': Okay, right. And by that you mean...
:'''Ed''': You know, a vampire. 
:'''Dean''': Uh-huh. So, he looked like--
:'''Ed''': He looked like a vampire! You know with the fangs and the slicked back hair and the fancy cape and the little medallion thingy on the ribbon.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': I don't think we're staying on the case.
:'''Jamie''': What, is it too weird for you?
:'''Dean''': Not weird enough.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Pizza Delivery Guy''': Uh, pizza delivery?
:'''Dracula''': Ah, you have brought a repast. Excellent. Continue to be of such service, and your life will be spared.
:'''Pizza Delivery Guy''': Uh-huh. That'll be $15.50.
:'''Dracula''': Tell me...
:'''Pizza Delivery Guy''': Yeah?
:'''Dracula''': Is there garlic on this pizza?
:'''Pizza Delivery Guy''': I don't know. Did you order garlic?
:'''Dracula''': No!
:'''Pizza Delivery Guy''': Then no. Look, Mister, I've got four other deliveries to make. You want to just pay me the money so I can go?
:'''Dracula''': Of course. Yes. But I have a coupon.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 4)#ep66|Yellow Fever]]'' [4.06]==
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Dude, you're going 20. 
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': And? 
:'''Sam''': That's the speed limit.
:'''Dean''': And what, safety's a crime now? 
:'''Sam''': Dude, where are you going? That was our hotel.
:'''Dean''': Sam, I'm not going to make a left-hand turn into oncoming traffic. I'm not suicidal! Did I just say that? That was kinda weird. 
:''[EMF meter beeping]''
:'''Sam''': Do you hear something? 
:''[EMF meter beeps when pointed at Dean]''
:'''Dean''': Am I haunted? Am I haunted?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Sam hands Dean a handgun]''
:'''Dean''':  Oh, I'm not carrying that. ''[Sam gives him a look]'' It could go off. ''[grabs a flashlight]'' I'll man the flashlight.
:'''Sam''': You do that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': One...two...three! ''[Opens locker to reveal a meowing cat]''
:'''Dean''': ''[Lets out a long, exceedingly girly scream]'' That was scary!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': What are we doing?
:'''Sam''': We're hunting a ghost.
:'''Dean''': A ghost. Exactly. Who does that?
:'''Sam''': Us.
:'''Dean''': Us, right. And that, Sam, that is exactly why our lives suck. I mean, c'mon, we hunt monsters!  What the hell? I mean, normal people, they see a monster and they run. But not us, no no no, we... we search out things that want to kill us! Yeah, huh? Or eat us! You know who does that? Crazy people! We... are insane! You know, then there’s the bad diner food and the--and the skeevy motel rooms and the truck stop waitress with the bizarre rash. I mean, who wants this life, Sam?  Huh? Seriously! I mean do you actually like being stuck in a car with me, eight hours a day every single day?  I don't think so! I mean, I drive too fast and I listen to the same five albums over and over and over again and I- and I-I sing along, I'm annoying, I know that. And you... you're gassy! You eat half a burrito and you get toxic! I mean, you know what, you can forget it.  
:'''Sam''': Dean, where're you going?
:'''Dean''': Stay away from me Sam, okay? Because I am done with it. I'm done with the monsters and the-and the-and the Hell Hounds and the Ghost Sickness and the damn apocalypse. I'm out. I'm done. I quit.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Yeah. How you feeling, by the way?
:'''Dean''': Fine.
:'''[[w:Bobby Singer|Bobby]]''': You sure, Dean? 'Cause this line of work can get awful scary. 
:'''Dean''': I'm fine. What? You want to go hunt? I'll hunt... I'll kill anything.
:'''Sam''': ''[playfully]'' Awwww.
:'''Bobby''': ''[equally playful]'' He's adorable.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 4)#ep67|It's The Great Pumpkin, Sam Winchester]]'' [4.07]==
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Really? After that guy choked down all those razor blades?
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': It's Halloween, man.
:'''Sam''': Yeah. For us, every day is Halloween.
:'''Dean''': Don't be a downer. Anything interesting?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Castiel (Supernatural)|Castiel]]''': The decision's been made.
:'''[[w:Uriel (Supernatural)|Uriel]]''': ''[chuckles]'' By a mud monkey.
:'''Castiel''': You shouldn't call them that.
:'''Uriel''': Ah, it's what they are. Savages. Just plumbing on two legs.
:'''Castiel''': You're close to blasphemy. There's a reason we were sent to save him. He has potential. He may succeed here. And any rate, it's out of our hands.
:'''Uriel''': It doesn't have to be.
:'''Castiel''': And what would you suggest?
:'''Uriel''': That we drag Dean Winchester out of here, then we blow this insignificant pinprick off the map.
:'''Castiel''': You know our true orders. Are you prepared to disobey?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Tracy''': My love.
:'''Samhain''': You've aged.
:'''Tracy''': This face... I can't fool you.
:'''Samhain''': Your beauty is beyond time. ''[snaps her neck]'' Whore.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Uriel''': The only reason you're still alive, Sam Winchester, is because you've been useful. But the moment that ceases to be true, the second you become more trouble than you're worth... One word. One. And I will turn you to dust. As for your brother, tell him that maybe he should climb off of that high horse of his. Ask Dean what he remembers from Hell.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Let me guess. You're here for the, &quot;I told you so.&quot;
:'''Castiel''': No.
:'''Dean''': Well, good, 'cause I'm really not that interested.
:'''Castiel''': I am not here to judge you, Dean.
:'''Dean''': Then why are you here?
:'''Castiel''': Our orders--
:'''Dean''': Yeah, you know, I've had about enough of these orders of yours--
:'''Castiel''': Our orders were not to stop the summoning of Samhain. They were to do whatever you told us to do.
:'''Dean''': Your orders were to follow my orders?
:'''Castiel''': It was a test, to see how you would perform under... battlefield conditions, you might say.
:'''Dean''': It was a witch, not the Tet Offensive. So I uh- failed your test, huh? I get it. But you know what? If you would have waved that-that magic time traveling wand of yours and we had to do it all over again, I'd make the same call. 'Cause, see, I don't know what's gonna happen when these Seals are broken. Hell, I don't even know what's gonna happen tomorrow. But what I do know is, that this, here? These kids, the swings, the trees? All of it is still here because of my brother and me.
:'''Castiel''': You misunderstand me Dean. I'm not like you think, I was praying that you would choose to save the town.
:'''Dean''': You were?
:'''Castiel''': These people, they're all my Father's creations. They're works of art, and yet, even though you stopped Samhain, the Seal was broken and we are one step closer to Hell on Earth, for all creation. Now, that's not an expression Dean. It's a literal. You, of all people, should appreciate what that means. Can I tell you something, if you promise not to tell another soul?
:'''Dean''': Okay.
:'''Castiel''': I'm not a... hammer as you say. I have questions, I... I have doubts. I don't know what is right and what is wrong, anymore, whether you passed or failed here. But in the coming months you will have more decisions to make. I don't envy the weight that's on your shoulders, Dean. I truly don't.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 4)#ep68|Wishful Thinking]]'' [4.08]==
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': It just doesn't make any sense, Dean. I mean, why would Uriel tell me you remembered Hell, if you didn't?
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Maybe because he's a dick. Might have something to do with it. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Oh, come on. Aren't you a little bit tempted?
:'''Sam''': No. Wouldn't be real. Wouldn't trust it.
:'''Dean''': I don't know. That bear seemed pretty real.
:'''Sam''': Yeah.
:'''Dean''': Come on, if you could wish yourself back, you know, before it all started. Think about it. You'd be some big yuppie lawyer with a nice car and a white picket fence.
:'''Sam''': Not what I'd wish for.
:'''Dean''': Seriously?
:'''Sam''': It's too late to go back to our old lives, Dean. I'm not that guy anymore.
:'''Dean''': All right, well, what, then? Hmm? What would Sammy wish for?
:'''Sam''': Lilith's head on a plate. Bloody.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Dean, wake up!
:'''Dean''': What? I'm up. What?
:'''Sam''': Sleep well?
:'''Dean''': Yeah. Tan, rested, and ready.
:'''Sam''': Dean, come on, man. You think I can't see it?
:'''Dean''': See what?
:'''Sam''': The nightmares, the drinking. I'm with you 24/7. I know something's going on.
:'''Dean''': Sam, please.
:'''Sam''': Uriel wasn't lying, but you are. You remember Hell, don't you?
:'''Dean''': What do you want from me, huh? What?
:'''Sam''': The truth, Dean. I mean, I'm your brother. I-I just wish you'd talk to me.
:'''Dean''': Careful what you wish for.
:'''Sam''': Cute.
:'''Dean''': Come on, can we stow the couples therapy, huh? We're on a job. I want to work. What do you got? Please?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Wesley''': &quot;Be careful what you wish for.&quot; You know who says that? Good looking jerks like you guys, the ones who've got it so easy because you happen to be handsome.
:'''Sam and Dean''': Easy?
:'''Wesley''': Yeah. Women -- Women look at you, right? They notice you.
:'''Sam''': Believe us, we do not have it easy.
:'''Dean''': We are miserable. We never get what we want. In fact, we have to fight tooth and nail just to keep whatever it is we've got.
:'''Sam''': But you know what? Maybe that's the whole point, Wes.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, people are people 'cause they're miserable bastards, 'cause they never get what they really want.
:'''Sam''': Right, yeah, you get what you want, you get crazy.
:'''Dean''': Just take a look at [[w:Michael Jackson|Michael Jackson]], hmm? Or [[w:David Hasselhoff|Hasselhoff]]. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': You were right.
:'''Sam''': About what?
:'''Dean''': I shouldn't have lied to you. I do remember everything that happened to me in the Pit. Everything.
:'''Sam''': So, tell me about it.
:'''Dean''': No. I won't lie anymore, but I'm not going to talk about it.
:'''Sam''': Dean, look, you can't just shoulder this thing alone. You've gotta let me help.
:'''Dean''': How? Do you really think that a little heart-to-heart, some sharing and caring, is gonna change anything? Hmm? Somehow... heal me? I'm not talking about a bad day here.
:'''Sam''': I know that.
:'''Dean''': The things that I saw.... there aren't words. There is no forgetting. There's no making it better. Because it is right here... forever. You wouldn't understand. And I could never make you understand. So I am sorry.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 4)#ep69|I Know What You Did Last Summer]]'' [4.09]==
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': You're not pissed we're going after the girl; you're pissed Ruby threw us the tip.
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Right, 'cause as far as you're concerned that Hell-bitch is practically family. Boy, something major must have happened while I was downstairs, 'cause I come back and you're--and you're BFF with a demon?
:'''Sam''': I told you, Dean, she helped me go after Lilith.
:'''Dean''': Well, thanks for the thumbnail. Real vivid. You want to fill in a little detail?
:'''Sam''': Sure, Dean, let's trade stories. You first: how was Hell? Don't spare the details.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': That's Revelations.
:'''Anna's Doctor''': Since when does the Book of Revelations have jack-o-lanterns?
:'''Dean''': It's, a uh... a little-known translation.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Anna Milton|Anna]]''': ''[to Dean]'' It's really you. Oh, my God. The angels talk about you. You were in Hell, but Castiel pulled you out and some of them think you can help save us. ''[to Sam]'' And some of them don't like you at all.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Alastair (Supernatural)|Alastair]]''': Hello again, Dean. Don't you recognize me? Oh, I forgot, I'm wearing a pediatrician. But we were so close... in Hell.
:'''Dean''': Alastair?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Sam is cleaning a gun. Someone knocks on the door. He grabs a shotgun and opens the door, revealing Ruby, possessing the coma girl. She holds up a piece of paper.]''
:'''Ruby''': Proof. This body is 100% socially conscious. I recycle. Al Gore would be proud.
:'''Sam''': You grabbed a coma patient?
:'''Ruby''': You didn't want me to take a body with someone in it, and I made sure that the spirit was gone. Apartment was empty. You happy?
:'''Sam''': Why are you here?
:'''Ruby''': I can't bring Dean back. But I can get you something else that you want.
:'''Sam''': Huh. And, uh... what's that?
:'''Ruby''': Lilith.
:'''Sam''': You want me to use my psychic whatever.
:'''Ruby''': Look, I know that it spooks you...
:'''Sam''': Skip the speech. I'm ready. Let's go.
:'''Ruby''': Slow down there, cowboy.
:'''Sam''': Just tell me what I have to do.
:'''Ruby''': Look, Lilith is one scary bitch. When I was in the Pit, there was talk. She's cooking up something big, apocalyptic big.
:'''Sam''': So let's kill her.
:'''Ruby''': You want to go in there and half-ass it like before? We have the time to get it right. Let's get it right.
:'''Sam''': Okay. What do you want from me?
:'''Ruby''': Well, a little patience... and sobriety. Promise me that... and I will teach you everything I know.
[...]
:''(Dean interrupts Sam's story - right at the part where he's having sex with Ruby)''
:'''Dean''': Sam?
:'''Sam''': Yeah?
:'''Dean''': Too much information.
:'''Sam''': Hey, I told you I was coming clean.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, well, now I feel dirty. Okay, well, uh, brain-stabbing imagery aside... So far, all you've told me about is a manipulative bitch who, uh, screwed you, played mind games with you, and did everything in the book to get you to go bad.
:'''Sam''': Yeah, well, there's more to the story.
:'''Dean''': Just... skip the nudity, please.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 4)#ep70|Heaven and Hell]]'' [4.10]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Iron walls drenched in salt. Demons can't even touch the joint.
:'''[[w:Ruby (Supernatural)|Ruby]]''': Which I find racist, by the way.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Where's Bobby?
:'''Dean''': Uh, Dominican. He said if we break anything, we buy it.
:'''Sam''': Is he working a job?
:'''Dean''': God, I hope so. Otherwise, he's at hedonism in a banana hammock and a trucker cap.
:'''Sam''': Now that's seared in my brain.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Pamela''': Sam, is that you?
:'''Sam''': I'm right here.
:'''Pamela''': Oh. Know how I can tell? That perky little ass of yours. You could bounce a nickel off that thing.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': That's another question. Why would you fall? Why would you want to be one of us?
:'''[[w:Anna Milton|Anna]]''': You don't mean that.
:'''Dean''': I don't? A bunch of miserable bastards; I mean, eating, crapping, confused, afraid--
:'''Anna''': I don't know, there's loyalty, forgiveness, love--
:'''Dean''': Pain-
:'''Anna''': Chocolate cake--
:'''Dean''': Guilt--
:'''Anna''': Sex.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, you've got me there.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': I know you heard him.
:'''Sam''': Who?
:'''Dean''': Alastair. What he said... About how I had promise.
:'''Sam''': I heard him.
:'''Dean''': You're not curious?
:'''Sam''': Dean, I'm damned curious. But you're not talking about Hell, and I'm not pushing.
:'''Dean''': It wasn't four months, you know.
:'''Sam''': What?
:'''Dean''': It was four months up here, but down there... I don't know. Time's different. It was more like 40 years.
:'''Sam''': My God.
:'''Dean''': They, uh... they sliced and carved and tore me in ways that you... until there was nothing left. And then, suddenly... I would be whole again... like magic... just so they could start in all over. And Alastair... at the end of every day--every one--he would come over. And he would make me an offer. To take me off the rack. If I put souls on. If I started the torture. And every day, I told him to stick it where the sun shines. For 30 years, I told him. But then I couldn't do it anymore, Sammy. I couldn't. And I got off that rack. God help me, I got right off it, and I started ripping them apart. I lost count of how many souls. The... the things that I did to them.
:'''Sam''': Dean... Dean, look, you held out for 30 years. That's longer than anyone would have.
:'''Dean''': How I feel, this... inside me... I wish I couldn't feel anything, Sammy. I wish I couldn't feel a damned thing.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 4)#ep71|Family Remains]]'' [4.11]==
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': What are you doing?
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': What's it look like I'm doing?
:'''Sam''': Like you're looking for a job.
:'''Dean''': Yahtzee.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Boy, three bedrooms, two baths, and one homicide. This place is gonna sell like hotcakes.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kate''': Another motel? Awesome Dad. I hope this one has hooker sheets like the last one.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Danny''': You hunt ghosts?
:'''Dean''': That's right.
:'''Danny''': Like [[wikipedia:Scooby-Doo|Scooby-Doo]]?
:'''Dean''': Better.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': You know, I felt for those sons of bitches back there. Lifelong torture turns you into something like that.
:'''Sam''': You were in Hell, Dean. But maybe you did what you did there... but you're not them. They were barely human.
:'''Dean''': No, you're right. I wasn't like them. I was worse. They were animals, Sam. Defending territory. Me? I did it for the sheer pleasure.
:'''Sam''': What?
:'''Dean''': I enjoyed it, Sam. They took me off the rack, and I tortured souls, and I liked it. All those years; all that pain. Finally getting to deal some out yourself... I didn't care who they put in front of me, because that-that pain I felt, it just slipped away. No matter how many people I save, I can't change that. I can't fill this hole. Not ever.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 4)#ep72|Criss Angel Is A Douchebag]]'' [4.12]==
:'''Jay''': Ah, who cares if it kills me? At least I'll go out with a headline. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': I can't believe people actually fall for that crap.
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': It's not all crap.
:'''Dean''': What part of that was not a steaming pile of B.S.?
:'''Sam''': Okay, that was crap but that's not all magicians. It takes skill.
:'''Dean''': Oh, right, right, I forgot. You were actually into this stuff, weren't you? I mean, you had like a deck of cards and a wand?
:'''Sam''': Dude, I was thirteen. It was a phase. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Do you think we will?
:'''Dean''': What?
:'''Sam''': Die before we get old.
:'''Dean''': Haven't we both already?
:'''Sam''': You know what I mean, Dean. I mean, do you think we'll still be chasing demons when we're 60.
:'''Dean''': No. I think we'll be dead. For good. Why, do you want to end up like... like Travis, hm? Or Gordon, maybe?
:'''Sam''': There's Bobby.
:'''Dean''': Oh, yeah, there's a poster child for growing old gracefully.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Yeah, it's time we had a little chat with Jay. Any luck tailin' him?
:'''Sam''': He slipped me.
:'''Dean''': He's a sixty-year-old.
:'''Sam''': He's a magician. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jay''': You know, Charlie was like my brother, and now he's dead because I did the right thing. He offered me a gift and I just threw it back in his face, so now I have to spend the rest of my life old and alone. What's so right about that?

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 4)#ep73|Afterschool Special]]'' [4.13]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Today, you will have the honor of playing one of the greatest games ever invented. A game of skill, agility, cunning. A game with one simple rule. Dodge.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Young Dean''': That kid's dead.
:'''Young Sam''': Dean.
:'''Young Dean''': I'm gonna rip his lungs out!
:'''Young Sam''': It's not a big deal.
:'''Young Dean''': Not a big deal? Sammy, look at yourself. If Dad was here...
:'''Young Sam''': He's not.
:'''Young Dean''': Well, I am. And as soon as I'm finished with that dick...
:'''Young Sam''': Just shut up, okay? I don't need your help.
:'''Young Dean''': That's right, you don't. You could've torn him apart, so why didn't you?
:'''Young Sam''': Because I don't wanna be the freak for once, Dean. I wanna be normal.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Young Sam''': Any word from Dad?
:'''Young Dean''': He called this morning. Says it's going to be another week, at least. We weren't supposed to be here this long.
:'''Young Sam''': At least you've got Amanda. She's cool.
:'''Young Dean''': Dude, she wants me to meet her parents. I don't do parents.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mr. Wyatt''': Do you want to go into the family business, Sam?
:'''Young Sam''': No one's ever asked me that before.
:'''Mr. Wyatt''': Well?
:'''Young Sam''': More than anything, no.
:'''Mr. Wyatt''': I don't want to, uh, overstep my bounds here, but you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Look, I mean, I know what it's like. Okay, I come from a family of surgeons, and that wasn't me. So, I, you know, traded in the money and prestige of being a doctor for all the glamour you see around you. The point is, there are maybe three or four big choices that shapes someone's whole life. And you need to be the one that makes them, not anyone else. You seem like a great kid, Sam. Just live the life you want to live.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dirk''': Sam Winchester, still a bully. You, you jocks, you popular kids. You always thought you were better than everybody else. To you, I was just &quot;Dirk the Jerk&quot; right? Now you evil sons of bitches are going to get what's coming to you.
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': I'm not evil, Dirk. I'm not. And neither were you. Trust me, I've seen real evil. We were scared and miserable and we took it out on each other. Us and everybody else, that's high school. But you suffer through that, and it gets better. I'm just sorry you didn't get a chance to see that.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 4)#ep74|Sex and Violence]]'' [4.14]==
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': I just talked to Bobby. We officially have a theory.
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': What's that?
:'''Sam''': Siren.
:'''Dean''': Like Greek myth siren? [[w:Odyssey|The Odyssey]]? Hey, I read.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': What the hell am I supposed to do with him?
:'''Sam''': Just take him to the strip club, keep an eye out for the siren. Come on, Dean. Just, just focus on the naked girls. You'll forget he's even there.
:'''Dean''': I'm not doing this for you, I'm doing it for the girls.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Nick''': Dean's all mine.
:'''Sam''': You poisoned him.
:'''Nick''': Nah, I gave him what he needed. And it wasn't some bitch in a G-string. It was you. A little brother that looked up to him. That he could trust. And now he loves me. He'd do anything for me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Well, I dunno when it happened. Maybe when I was in Hell. Maybe when I was starin' right at you. But the Sam I knew; he's gone.
:'''Sam''': That so.
:'''Dean''': And it's not the demon blood or the psychic crap... it's the little stuff. The lies. The secrets.
:'''Sam''': Oh yeah, what secrets?
:'''Dean''': Your phone calls to Ruby, for one. 
:'''Sam''': So I need your say-so to make a phone call?
:'''Dean''': That's the point. You're hiding things from me. What else aren't you telling me?
:'''Sam''': None of your business.
:'''Dean''': See what I mean? We used to be in this together. We used to have each other's backs!
:'''Sam''': Okay, fine, you wanna know why I didn't tell you about Ruby? And how we're hunting down Lilith? Because you're too weak to go after her, Dean. You're holding me back. I'm a better hunter than you are. Stronger, smarter; I can take out demons you're too scared to go near.
:'''Dean''': That's crap.
:'''Sam''': You're too busy sitting around feeling sorry for yourself, whining about all the souls you tortured in Hell, boo-hoo. ''[The brothers start to fight]'' You're not standin' in my way, anymore!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Dean, look, you know I didn't mean the things I said back there, right? That it was just the Siren's spell talking?
:'''Dean''': Of course. Me, too.
:'''Sam''': Okay. So... so we're good?
:'''Dean''': Yeah, we're good.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 4)#ep75|Death Takes a Holiday]]'' [4.15]==
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': This job is jacked that's what. 
:'''Sam''': How so?
:'''Dean''': You want me to gank a monster or torch a corpse, hey, lets light it up, right? Bu- But this? If we fix whatever this is, people are going to start dropping dead. Good people.
:'''Sam''': Look, I-I don't want them to die either, Dean, but there's a... natural order.
:'''Dean''': You're kidding right?
:'''Sam''': ''[laughing]'' What?
:'''Dean''': You don't see the irony in that? I mean, you and me, we're like the poster boys of the unnatural order. All we do is ditch death.
:'''Sam''': Yeah, but the normal rules don't really apply to us. Do they?
:'''Dean''' : We're no different than anybody else.
:'''Sam''' : I'm infected with demon blood. You've been to Hell. Look, I know you want to think of yourself as Joe the Plumber, Dean, but you're not. Neither am I. The sooner you accept that the better off you're gonna be.
:'''Dean''': Joe the Plumber was a douche. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Alastair (Supernatural)|Alastair]]''': You're stronger, Sam. You've been soloflexing with your little slut.
:'''Sam''': You have no idea.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Pamela''': I can't even begin to tell you how crazy you two are.
:'''Sam''': Well, Pamela, you are a sight for sore eyes.
:'''Pamela''': ''[laughs]'' Ah, that's sweet, Grumpy. What do you say to deaf people?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Pamela''': Tell me something, geniuses. Even if you do break into the Veil and you find the Reaper, how you going to save it?
:'''Dean''': With style and class.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Tessa''': I've been around death from the get-go. You know what I see most? Lies. &quot;He's in a better place.&quot; &quot;At least they're together now.&quot; You all lie to yourselves, Dean because, like you said, deep down you're all scared. Stop lying to yourself, Dean.
:'''Dean''': What?
:'''Tessa''': &quot;The angels have something good in store for you.&quot; &quot;A second chance.&quot; Really? Because, I'm pretty sure... deep down you know something nasty's coming down the road. Trust your instincts, Dean. There's no such thing as miracles.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 4)#ep76|On the Head of a Pin]]'' [4.16]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': I want to talk to Cas alone.
:'''[[w:Uriel (Supernatural)|Uriel]]''': I think I'll go seek... revelation. We might have some further orders.
:'''Dean''': Well, get some doughnuts while you're out.
:'''Uriel''': ''[laughs]'' Ah, this one, just won't quit, will he? I think I'm starting to like you boy. ''[Uriel disappears]''
:'''Dean''': You guys don't walk enough. You're gonna get flabby. You know, I'm starting to think Junkless has a better sense of humor than you do.
:'''[[w:Castiel (Supernatural)|Castiel]]''': Uriel's the funniest angel in the garrison. Ask anyone.
:'''Dean''': What's goin' on, Cas? Since when does Uriel put a leash on you?
:'''Castiel''': My superiors have begun to question my sympathies.
:'''Dean''': Your sympathies?
:'''Castiel''': I was getting too close to the humans in my charge: you. They feel I've begun to express emotions; doorways to doubt. This can impair my judgment.
:'''Dean''': Well, tell Uriel, or whoever, you do not want me doing this. Trust me.
:'''Castiel''': Want it, no. But I've been told we need it.
:'''Dean''': You ask me to open that door and walk through it, you will not like what walks back out.
:'''Castiel''': For what it's worth, I would give anything not to have you do this.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Alastair (Supernatural)|Alastair]]''': I had your pop on my rack for close to a century.
:'''Dean''': You can't stall forever.
:'''Alastair''': John Winchester made quite a name for himself. A hundred years. After each session I'd... I'd make him the same offer I made you: I'd put down my blade if he picked one up... 
:'''Dean''': Just give me the demon's name, Alastair.
:'''Alastair''': But he said, &quot;nein,&quot; each and every time. Damned if I couldn't break him. Pulled out all the stops. But John, he was made of something unique, the stuff of heroes. And then came Dean. Dean Winchester. I thought I was up against it again. But, daddy's little girl, he broke. He broke in thirty. Ah, just not the man your daddy wanted you to be, huh, Dean? No. Now we're getting somewhere. Holy water? Come on, Grasshopper, you're gonna have to get creative to impress me.
:'''Dean''': You know something, Alastair? I could still dream, even in Hell. And over and over and over, you know what I dreamt? I dreamt of this moment. And believe me... I've got a few ideas. Let's get started.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Anna Milton (Supernatural)|Anna]]''': Why are you letting Dean do this?
:'''Castiel''': He's doing God’s work.
:'''Anna''': Torturing? That’s God's work? Stop him, Cas. Please. Before you ruin the one real weapon you have.
:'''Castiel''': Who are we to question the will of God?
:'''Anna''': Unless this isn't His will.
:'''Castiel''': Then where do the orders come from?
:'''Anna''': I don't know. One of our superiors, maybe. But not Him.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Alastair''': You know, it was supposed to be your father. He was supposed to bring it on. But in the end, it was you.
:'''Dean''': Bring what on?
:'''Alastair''': Every night, the same offer, remember? Same as your father, and finally you said, &quot;Sign me up.&quot; Oh, the first time you picked up my razor, the first time you sliced into that weeping bitch. That was the first Seal.
:'''Dean''': You're lying.
:'''Alastair''': &quot;And it is written that the first Seal shall be broken when a righteous man sheds blood in hell. As he breaks, so shall it break.&quot; We had to break the first Seal before any others. Only way to get the dominoes to fall, right? Topple the one at the front of the line. When we win, when we bring on the Apocalypse and burn this earth down, we'll owe it all to you, Dean Winchester. Believe me, son, I wouldn't lie about that. It's kind of a religious sort of thing, I think.
:'''Dean''': No, I don't think you are lying. But even if the demons do win, you won't be there to see it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': Are you alright?
:'''Dean''': No thanks to you.
:'''Castiel''': You need to be more careful.
:'''Dean''': You need to learn how to manage a damned Devil's Trap.
:'''Castiel''': That's not what I mean. Uriel is dead.
:'''Dean''': Was it the demons?
:'''Castiel''': It was disobedience. He was working against us.
:'''Dean''': Is it true? Did I break the first Seal? Did I start all this?
:'''Castiel''': Yes. When we discovered Lilith's plan for you, we laid siege to Hell. And we fought our way to get to you before you–
:'''Dean''': Jump-started the apocalypse.
:'''Castiel''': We were too late.
:'''Dean''': Why didn't you just leave me there, then?
:'''Castiel''': It's not blame that falls on you, Dean. It's fate. &quot;The righteous man who begins it is the only one who can finish it.&quot; You have to stop it.
:'''Dean''': Lucifer? The apocalypse? What does that mean? Hey! Don't you go disappearing on me you son of a bitch. What does that mean?
:'''Castiel''': I don't know.
:'''Dean''': Bull!
:'''Castiel''': I don't. Dean, they don't tell me much. I know our fate rests with you.
:'''Dean''': Well, then you guys are screwed. I can't do it, Cas. It's too big. Alastair was right. I'm not all here, I'm not st—I'm not strong enough. Well, I guess I'm not the man either of our dads wanted me to be. Find someone else. It's not me.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 4)#ep77|It's a Terrible Life]]'' [4.17]==
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Can I ask you a question?
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Look, man, I told you, I'm not into the, uh...
:'''Sam''': Oh dude, come on, I'm not either. I just wanna ask you one question.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': We do what I do best, Sammy. Research.
:'''Sam''': Okay. Did you just call me &quot;Sammy&quot;?
:'''Dean''': Did I?
:'''Sam''': I think you did. Yeah. Don't.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Details are everything! You don't want to go fighting ghosts without any health insurance. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Zachariah (Supernatural)|Zachariah]]''': Real place, real haunting. Just plunked you in the middle without the benefit of your memories.
:'''Dean''': Just to shake things up? Hmm? So you guys can have fun watching us run around like assclowns in monkey suits!?
:'''Zachariah''': To prove to you that the path you're on is truly in your blood. You're a Hunter. Not because your dad made you, not because God called you back from Hell, but because it is what you are and you love it. You'll find your way to it in the dark every single time, and you're miserable without it. Dean, let's be real here. You're good at this.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Zachariah''': You'll do everything you're destined to do, all of it. But I know, I know, you... you're not strong enough, you're scared, you got daddy issues, you can't do it, right?
:'''Dean''': Angel or not, I will stab you in your face.
:'''Zachariah''': All I'm saying is, it's how you look at it. Most folks live and die without moving anything more than the dirt it takes to bury them. You get to change things, save people, maybe even the world. All the while you drive a classic car and fornicate with women. This isn't a curse, it's a gift. So for God's sakes, Dean, quit whining about it. Look around: there are plenty of fates worse than yours. So, you with me? You want to go steam yourself another latte, or are you ready to stand up and be who you really are?

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 4)#ep78|The Monster at the End of this Book]]'' [4.18]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': ''[reading a Supernatural book]'' This is freakin' insane. How's this guy know all this stuff?
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': You've got me.
:'''Dean''': Everything is in here. I mean everything, from the racist truck to--to me having sex. I'm full frontal in here, dude.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': There's Sam girls and Dean girls. And... what's a slash fan?
:'''Sam''': As in... Sam slash Dean. Together.
:'''Dean''': Like... together together?
:'''Sam''': Yeah.
:'''Dean''': They do know we're brothers, right?
:'''Sam''': Doesn't seem to matter.
:'''Dean''': Ah, come on. That... that's just sick.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Well, we're hoping that our article can... shine a light on an under-appreciated series.
:'''Sera''': Yeah! Yeah, I mean, because, you know, if we got a little bit of good press, then maybe we could start publishing again!
:'''Dean''': No, no, no. God no. I mean, why, why would you want to do that? You know, it's uh... such a complete series. What with Dean going to Hell, and all.
:'''Sera''': Oh, my God. That was one of my favorite ones because Dean was so... strong and sad and brave. And Sam... oh, I mean the best parts are when they cry, you know, like in... in &quot;Heart.&quot; When Sam had to kill Madison, the first woman since Jessica he really loved. And in &quot;Home,&quot; when Dean had to call John and ask him for help. If only real men were so open and in touch with their feelings.
:'''Dean''': Real men?
:'''Sera''': Oh... I mean, no offense. How often do you cry like that, hmm?
:'''Dean''': Well, right now I'm crying on the inside.
:'''Sera''': Is that supposed to be funny?
:'''Dean''': Lady, this whole thing is funny.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': You think I'll do it, don't you? You think I'll go darkside.
:'''Dean''': Yes! Okay? Yes. The way you've been acting lately! The things you've been doing! Oh, I know. How you ripped Alistair apart like it was nothing, like you were swatting a fly. Cas told me, okay?
:'''Sam''': ...What else did he tell you?
:'''Dean''': Nothing I don't already know. That you've been using your psychic crap and you've been getting stronger; we just don't know why and we don't know how.
:'''Sam''': It's not what you think...
:'''Dean''': Then what is it, Sam?! 'Cause I'm at a total loss!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Zachariah (Supernatural)|Zachariah]]''': Did you see it?
:'''Chuck''': Who are you?
:'''Zachariah''': I'm Zachariah. You may know me from your work.
:'''Chuck''': What do you want?
:'''Zachariah''': Did you see it?
:'''Chuck''': Is it true? Is all of that really going to happen?
:'''Zachariah''': Have you been wrong so far?
:'''Chuck''': I've gotta warn Sam and Dean!
:'''Zachariah''': I wouldn't advise it. People shouldn't know too much about their own destiny. You try, and I'll stop you. Where are you going?
:'''Chuck''': To go kill myself.
:'''Zachariah''': Don't be melodramatic, Chuck. We'd only bring you back to life.
:'''Chuck''': What am I supposed to do?
:'''Zachariah''': What you always do. Write.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 4)#ep79|Jump the Shark]]'' [4.19]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Now I'm thinking about dad sex, stop talking.
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Maybe he slipped one past the goalie.
:'''Dean''': Dude!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Adam''': He's a mechanic, right?
:'''Dean''': A car fell on him.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Adam''': Okay, so basically you're saying that every movie monster, every nightmare that I've ever had, that's all real.
:'''Dean''': Godzilla's just a movie.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Adam''': How can I help?
:'''Dean''': You can't.
:'''Adam''': This thing killed my mom. If you're hunting it, I want in.
:'''Dean''': No.
:'''Sam''': Dean, look maybe...
:'''Dean''': ''[interrupting]'' Maybe what?
:'''Sam''': He lost his mother. Maybe we can understand what that feels like.
:'''Dean''': Why do you think Dad never told us about this kid, Sam, huh? Why do you think he ripped out the pages?
:'''Sam''': Because...
:'''Dean''': ''[interrupting]'' Because he was protecting him!
:'''Sam''': Dad's dead, Dean.
:'''Dean''': It doesn't matter! He didn't want Adam to have our lives, okay? And we're gonna respect his wishes.
:'''Adam''': Do I get a say in this?
:'''Dean and Sam (in unison)''': No!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': You know I finally get why you and Dad butted heads so much. You two are practically the same person. I mean, I worshiped the guy, y'know. I-I dressed like him, I acted like him, I listened to the same music. But you are more like him than I will ever be. I see that now.
:'''Sam''': I'll take that as a compliment.
:'''Dean''': You can take it any way you want.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 4)#ep80|The Rapture]]'' [4.20]==
:'''[[w:Castiel (Supernatural)|Castiel]]''': We need to talk.
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': I'm dreaming, aren't I?
:'''Castiel''': It's not safe here... someplace more private.
:'''Dean''': More private? We're inside my head.
:'''Castiel''': Exactly. Someone could be listening.
:'''Dean''': Cas, what's wrong?
:'''Castiel''': Meet me here. Go now.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': You have to come with us.
:'''Jimmy''': How long? And don't give me that &quot;cross that bridge when we get to it&quot; crap.
:'''Sam''': Don't you get it? Forever. The demons will never stop. You can never be with your family. So, you either get as far away from them as possible, or you put a bullet in your head. And that's how you keep your family safe. But there's no getting out and there's no going home.
:'''Dean''': Well, don't sugarcoat it, Sam.
:'''Sam''': I'm just telling him the truth, Dean. Someone has to.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel/Claire''': Of course we keep our promises. Of course you have our gratitude. You served us well. Your work is done. It's time to go home now. Your real home. You'll rest forever in the fields of the Lord. Rest now, Jimmy.
:'''Jimmy''': Claire!
:'''Castiel/Claire''': She's with me now. She's chosen. It's in her blood. As it was in yours.
:'''Jimmy''': Please, Castiel. You need to take me. Take me, please.
:'''Castiel/Claire''': I want to make sure you understand. You won't die, or age. If this last year was painful for you, picture a hundred. A thousand more like it.
:'''Jimmy''': It doesn't matter! You take me! Just take me.
:'''Castiel/Claire''': As you wish.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Cas, hold up. What were you gonna tell me?
:'''Castiel''': I learned my lesson while I was away, Dean. I serve Heaven, I don't serve man. And I certainly don't serve you.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Bobby, Sam, and Dean are standing outside Bobby's panic room]''
:'''[[w:Bobby Singer|Bobby]]''': Go on inside, I want to show you something. ''[Sam walks in]''
:'''Sam''': Alright. So, uh, what's the big demon problem?
:'''Bobby''': You are. This is for your own good ''[locks Sam inside the panic room]''.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 4)#ep81|When the Levee Breaks]]'' [4.21]==
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Dean, I'm not drinking the demon blood for kicks. I'm getting strong enough to kill Lilith.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': How long is this gonna go on?
:'''[[w:Bobby Singer|Bobby]]''': Here, let me look it up in my demon-detox manual. Oh, wait. No one ever wrote one.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Young Sam''': The answer's, yes, you're hallucinating. That's right, it's me. Or, I mean, it's you
:'''Sam''': I'm losing my mind.
:'''Young Sam''': Definitely.
:'''Sam''': What do you want?
:'''Young Sam''': An explanation. How could you do this to me? I thought we were gonna be normal.
:'''Sam''': I tried. I did. It didn't pan out that way. Sorry, kid.
:'''Young Sam''': &quot;Sorry, kid.&quot; That's what you have to say? It's all we ever wanted. We were so close! You got away from Dad, you quit hunting, you were gonna become a lawyer and get married. Why'd you blow it?
:'''Sam''': Look, they killed Jessica.
:'''Young Sam''': Yeah, and if you hadn't run off with Dean, if you'd been there to protect her, she'd still be alive.
:'''Sam''': I know.
:'''Young Sam''': Think Jess would want you to turn into this? She loved you! You think she'd be happy, you using her as an excuse?
:'''Sam''': I'm sorry. I am, but life doesn't turn out the way you thought it would when you were 14 years old. We were never gonna be normal. We were never gonna get away. Grow up.
:'''Young Sam''': Maybe you're right. Maybe there's no escape. After all, how can you run from what's inside you? ''[eyes turn yellow]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Sam unlocks the door to Bobby's car and sees Bobby standing behind him with a shot gun, Sam slowly stands]''
:'''Bobby''': ''[cocks shotgun]'' Uh-uh, Sam. The only place you're going is back inside with me.
:'''Sam''': No.
:'''Bobby''': Damn it, boy.
:'''Sam''': You won't shoot me, Bobby.
:'''Bobby''': Don't test me.
:'''Sam''': You won't do it. ''[walks forward until Bobbby's gun is pressed to his stomach]'' You can't do it.
:'''Bobby''': We're trying to help you, Sam.
:'''Sam''': ''[places one hand on the barrel of the gun and raises it to his heart]'' Then shoot.

&lt;hr witdh=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sam''': Stop bossing me around, Dean! Look, my whole life you take the wheel, you call the shots, and I trust you because you are my brother. Now, I am asking you. For once, trust me.
:'''Dean''': No. You don't know what you're doing, Sam.
:'''Sam''': Yes, I do!
:'''Dean''': Then that's worse!
:'''Sam''': Why? Look I'm telling you-
:'''Dean''': Because it's not something that you're doing, it's what you are! It means...
:'''Sam''': What? No. Say it!
:'''Dean''': It means you're a monster.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 4)#ep82|Lucifer Rising]]'' [4.22]==
:'''Dominic Lehne / Yellow-Eyed Demon:''' Our Father, who art in... Heaven. Hallowed be Thy name. Thy Kingdom come, blah blah blah, lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Truer words never spoken, huh, Sisters? But sometimes, it feels it's difficult to know the Creator. Sometimes, I feel, in a very literal sense, that I have been wandering the desert for years, looking for our father! Well, not &quot;our&quot; father. My father, see, he's in jail. Your Dad put him there. I almost gave up hope! But, &quot;ye of little faith&quot;, because I finally found him. Or, at least, y'know, the spot where his Cage door opens. It's right here. In a damn convent, for God's sake! Life is funny.
:'''Nun:''' Uh, father--?
:'''Dominic Lehne / Yellow-Eyed Demon:''' Shut your friggin' pie-hole you little slut! Then again, I suppose it makes sense! Folks forget, my daddy is an angel, after all. Or, was. I mean, I suppose some dumb bastard stood here, felt a jolt of his Holy Juice and thought &quot;I'm gonna build me a nun factory!&quot; Well... It was the right idea. Wrong angel. So, um... If any of you gals are the praying type... Now would be a good time to start.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': I'm not even sure if he's still my brother any more. If he ever was.
:'''[[w:Bobby Singer|Bobby]]''': You stupid, stupid son of a bitch! Well boo-hoo. I am so sorry your feelings are hurt, princess! Are you under the impression that family's supposed to make you feel good? Make you an apple pie, maybe? They're supposed to make you miserable! That's why they're family.
:'''Dean''': I told him, &quot;You walk out that door, don't come back,&quot; and he walked out anyway. That was his choice!
:'''Bobby''': You sound like a whiny brat... No, you sound like your dad. Well let me tell you something, your dad was a coward.
:'''Dean''': My dad was a lot of things, Bobby, but a coward...
:'''Bobby''': He'd rather push Sam away then reach out to him. Well, that don't strike me as brave. You are a better man than your daddy ever was, so you do both of us a favor. Don't be him.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': I'm still pissed, and I owe you a serious beatdown, but... I shouldn't have said what I said. I'm not Dad. We're brothers, you know, we're family, and, uh, no matter how bad it gets, that doesn't change. Sammy, I'm sorry.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Tell me something. Where's God in all this?
:'''[[w:Zachariah (Supernatural)|Zachariah]]''': God? God has left the building.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Castiel (Supernatural)|Castiel]]''': You can't reach him, Dean. You're outside your coverage zone.
:'''Dean''': What're you gonna do to Sam?
:'''Castiel''': Nothing. He's gonna do it to himself.
:'''Dean''': What's that supposed to mean? Oh right, right. Better toe the company line. Why are you here, Cas?
:'''Castiel''': We've been through much together, you and I; I just wanted to say I'm sorry it ended like this.
:'''Dean''': Sorry? ''[Dean hits Castiel]'' It's Armageddon, Cas, you need a bigger word than &quot;sorry.&quot;
:'''Castiel''': Try to understand; this is long foretold, this is your--
:'''Dean''': Destiny? Don't give me that &quot;holy&quot; crap. Destiny, God's plan... It's all a bunch of lies, you poor, stupid, son of a bitch! It's just a way for your bosses to keep me and keep you in line! You know what's real? People, families - that's real. And you're gonna watch them all burn?
:'''Castiel''': What is so worth saving?! I see nothing but pain here. I see inside you, I see your guilt, your anger, confusion. In Paradise, all is forgiven. You'll be at peace. Even with Sam.
:'''Dean''': You can take your peace... and shove it up your lily-white ass. 'Cause I'll take the pain and the guilt. I'll even take Sam as is. It's a lot better than being some Stepford bitch in Paradise. This is simple, Cas! No more crap about being a good soldier; there is a right, and there is a wrong here, and you know it. Look at me! You know it! And you were gonna help me once, weren't you? You were gonna warn me about all this, before they dragged you back to Bible Camp. Help me, now. ''Please''.
:'''Castiel''': What would you have me do?
:'''Dean''': Get me to Sam. We can stop this before it's too late!
:'''Castiel''': I do that, we will all be hunted! We'll all be killed!
:'''Dean''': If there is anything worth dying for... this is it... ''[Castiel shakes his head]'' You spineless, soulless, son of a bitch. What do you care about dying? You're already dead. We're done.
:'''Castiel''': Dean.
:'''Dean''': We're done.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Ruby (Supernatural)|Ruby]]''': I can't believe it. 
:'''Sam''': Ruby, what's going on?
:'''Ruby''': You did it. I-I mean, it was a little touch and go there for a while, but you did it.
:'''Sam''': What? What-what did I do?
:'''Ruby''': You opened the door, and now he's free at last. He's free at last!
:'''Sam''': No, no, no-he, uh, Lilith. I stopped her. I killed her!
:'''Ruby''': &quot;And it is written, that the first demon shall be the last Seal.&quot; And you bust her open, now guess who's coming to dinner.
:'''Sam''': Oh my god...
:'''Ruby''': Guess again!

==Cast==
*[[w:Jared Padalecki|Jared Padalecki]] - [[w:Sam Winchester|Sam Winchester]] 
*[[w:Jensen Ackles|Jensen Ackles]] - [[w:Dean Winchester|Dean Winchester]]
*[[w:Misha Collins|Misha Collins]] - [[w:Castiel_(Supernatural)|Castiel]]
*[[w:Jim Beaver|Jim Beaver]] - [[w:Bobby Singer|Bobby Singer]]
*[[w:Matt Cohen (actor)|Matt Cohen]] - [[w:John Winchester|John Winchester]]
*[[w:Samantha Smith (actress)|Samantha Smith]], [[w:Amy Gumenick|Amy Gumenick]] - [[w:Mary Winchester|Mary Winchester]]
*[[w:Samantha Ferris|Samantha Ferris]] - [[w:Ellen Harvelle|Ellen Harvelle]]
*[[w:Alona Tal|Alona Tal]] - [[w:Jo Harvelle|Jo Harvelle]]
*[[w:Genevieve Cortese|Genevieve Cortese]] - [[w:Ruby (Supernatural)|Ruby]]
*[[w:Nicki Aycox|Nicki Aycox]] - [[w:Meg Masters|Meg]]
*[[w:Kurt Fuller|Kurt Fuller]] - [[w:Zachariah (Supernatural)|Zachariah]]
*[[w:Robert Wisdom|Robert Wisdom]] - [[w:Uriel (Supernatural)|Uriel]]
*[[w:Julie McNiven|Julie McNiven]] - [[w:Anna Milton|Anna Milton]]
*[[w:Traci Dinwiddie|Traci Dinwiddie]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Pamela Barnes|Pamela Barnes]]
*[[w:Christopher Heyerdahl|Christopher Heyerdahl]], [[w:Mark Rolston|Mark Rolston]] - [[w:Alastair (Supernatural)|Alastair]]
*[[w:Rob Benedict|Rob Benedict]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Chuck Shurley|Chuck Shurley]]
*[[w:Katherine Boecher|Katherine Boecher]], [[w:Sierra McCormick|Sierra McCormick]] - [[w:Lilith (Supernatural)|Lilith]]
*Juliana Wimbles - Cindy McKellan
*[[w:Jake Abel|Jake Abel]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Adam Milligan|Adam Milligan]]
*[[w:A. J. Buckley|A. J. Buckley]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Ed Zeddmore and Harry Spangler|Ed Zeddmore]]
*[[w:Lindsey McKeon|Lindsey McKeon]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Tessa|Tessa]]
*[[w:Mitch Pileggi|Mitch Pileggi]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Samuel Campbell|Samuel Campbell]]
*[[w:Charles Malik Whitfield|Charles Malik Whitfield]] - FBI Agent [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Victor Henriksen|Victor Henriksen]]
*[[w:Travis Wester|Travis Wester]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Ed Zeddmore and Harry Spangler|Harry Spangler]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{imdb title|0460681|Supernatural}}
*[http://www.supernaturalwiki.com Supernatural Wiki]
*[http://www.supernaturaltv.info Watch Supernatural]

{{center|'''Season'''&amp;nbsp; [[Supernatural (season 1)|1]] • [[Supernatural (season 2)|2]] • [[Supernatural (season 3)|3]] • [[Supernatural (season 4)|4]] • [[Supernatural (season 5)|5]] • [[Supernatural (season 6)|6]] • [[Supernatural (season 7)|7]] • [[Supernatural (season 8)|8]] • [[Supernatural (season 9)|9]] • [[Supernatural (season 10)|10]] • [[Supernatural (American TV series)|Main]]}}

[[Category:Supernatural (U.S. TV series) seasons]]</text>
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    <title>Supernatural (season 5)</title>
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'''''[[Supernatural (American TV series)|Supernatural]]''''' (2005–2020) is a paranormal/horror/thriller/drama-themed television series on the WB Television Network (now merged with UPN into the new network The CW) that details the lives of two brothers who travel across the country in a black 1967 Chevy Impala investigating paranormal events and other unexplained occurrences.&amp;nbsp; '''[[w:Supernatural (season 5)|Season five]]''' originally aired from 10 September 2009 to 13 May 2010.

{{center|'''Season'''&amp;nbsp; [[Supernatural (season 1)|1]] • [[Supernatural (season 2)|2]] • [[Supernatural (season 3)|3]] • [[Supernatural (season 4)|4]] • [[Supernatural (season 5)|5]] • [[Supernatural (season 6)|6]] • [[Supernatural (season 7)|7]] • [[Supernatural (season 8)|8]] • [[Supernatural (season 9)|9]] • [[Supernatural (season 10)|10]] • [[Supernatural (American TV series)|Main]]}}

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 5)#ep83|Sympathy For the Devil]]'' [5.01]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Where's Cas?
:'''[[w:List of Supernatural characters#Chuck Shurley / God|Chuck]]''': He's dead. Or gone. The archangels smote the crap out of him. I'm sorry.
:'''Dean''': You're sure? I mean, maybe he just vanished into the light or something.
:'''Chuck''': Oh, no. He, like, exploded. Like a water balloon of chunky soup.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': You guys warned me about Ruby, the demon blood, but I didn't listen. I brought this on.
:'''[[w:Bobby Singer|Bobby]]''': You're damn right you didn't listen. You were reckless and selfish and arrogant.
:'''Sam''': I'm sorry.
:'''Bobby''': Oh, yeah? You're sorry you started Armageddon? This kind of thing don't get forgiven, boy. If by some miracle, we pull this off, I want you to lose my number. You understand me?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:List of angels in Supernatural#Lucifer|Sarah/Lucifer]]''': I'm not your wife, Nick. I'm an angel.
:'''[[w:List of Supernatural characters#Nick|Nick]]''': An angel?
:'''Sarah/Lucifer''': My name is Lucifer.
:'''Nick''': Sure. Naturally, um... could you do me a favor there, Satan, and remind me to quit drinking before I go to bed?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': What if we win? I'm serious. Screw the angels and the demons and their crap Apocalypse. Hell, they want to fight a war? They can find their own planet. This one's ours, and I say they get the hell off it. We take 'em all on, we kill the Devil, hell, we even kill Michael if we have to, but we do it our own damn selves.
:'''Bobby''': And how are we supposed to do all this, genius?
:'''Dean''': ''[shrugs]'' I got no idea. But what I do have is a G.E.D., and a &quot;give 'em hell&quot; attitude and I'll figure it out.
:'''Bobby''': You are nine kinds of crazy, boy.
:'''Dean''': It's been said.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Dean... is there something you wanna say to me?
:'''Dean''': I tried, Sammy. Man, I really tried. But I just can't keep pretending that everything's all right. Because it's not. And it's never going to be. You chose a demon over your own brother... and look what happened.
:'''Sam''': I would give anything, anything, to take it all back-
:'''Dean''': I know you would. And I know how sorry you are, I do. But, man... you were the one that I depended on the most. And you let me down in ways that I can't even... I'm just- I'm having a hard time forgiving and forgetting here. You know?
:'''Sam''': What can I do? 
:'''Dean''': Honestly? Nothing. I just don't... I don't think that we can ever be what we were. You know? I just don't think I can trust you.

==''[[w:Good God, Y'All!|Good God Y'all]]'' [5.02]==
:'''[[w:Bobby Singer|Bobby]]''': You're telling me you lost your mojo just in time to get me stuck in this trap the rest of my life?!
:'''[[w:Castiel (Supernatural)|Castiel]]''': I'm sorry.
:'''Bobby''': Shove it up your ass.
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': ''[quietly, to Sam]'' Well, at least he's talking now.
:'''Bobby''': I heard that.
:'''Castiel''': I don't have much time; we need to talk.
:'''Dean''': Okay.
:'''Castiel''': Your plan. &quot;Kill Lucifer.&quot;
:'''Dean''': Yeah, you wanna help?
:'''Castiel''': No. It's foolish, it can't be done.
:'''Dean''': Oh, well, thanks for the support.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': God?
:'''Castiel''': Yes.
:'''Dean''': God.
:'''Castiel''': Yes. He isn't in Heaven, He has to be somewhere.
:'''Dean''': Try New Mexico, I hear He's on a tortilla.
:'''Castiel''': No, He's not on any flatbread.
:'''Dean''': Listen, chuckles, even if there is a God, He is either dead, and that's the generous theory-
:'''Castiel''': He is out there, Dean.
:'''Dean''': ...or, He's up and kicking and doesn't give a rat's ass about any of us. I mean, look around you, man; the world is in the toilet! We are literally at the end of days here, and He's off somewhere drinking booze out of a coconut. Alright?
:'''Castiel''': Enough. This is not a theological issue; it's strategic. With God's help, we can win.
:'''Dean''': It's a pipe-dream, Cas.
:'''Castiel''': ''[angrily]'' I killed two angels this week. That's my brothers. I'm hunted, I have rebelled, and I did it - all of it - for you. And you failed. You and your brother destroyed the world. And I lost everything, for nothing. So keep your opinions to yourself.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''War''': Honestly, people don't need a reason to kill each other. I mean, you've seen the Irish? They're all Irish. You think I'm a monster, I'm jello shots at a party, I just remove inihibations.
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': I'm going to kill you myself.
:'''War''': Oh, that's adorable, considering you're my poster boy.
:'''Sam''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''War''': You can't stop thinking about it, ever since you saw it dripping off the blade of that knife.
:'''Sam''': You're wrong.
:'''War''': Save your protests for your brother, I can see inside your head. And it is a one-track city in there. Blood, blood, blood. Lust for power, same as always. You want to be strong again, but not just strong, stronger than everybody. Good intentions, quick slide to Hell, buddy boy.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': So, pit stop at Mount Doom?
:'''Sam''': Dean-
:'''Dean''': Sam, let's not.
:'''Sam''': No, listen, this is important. I know you don't trust me. Just, now I realize something. I don't trust me either. From the minute I saw that blood, the only thought in my head... And I tell myself it's for the right reasons, that my intentions are good, and it- it feels true, you know? But I think, underneath... I just miss the feeling. I know how messed up that sounds, which means, I know how messed up I am. The thing is, the problem's not the demon blood, not really, I mean, I- what I did, I can't blame the blood, or Ruby, or... anything. The problem's me. How far I'll go. There's something in me that... scares the hell outta me, Dean. In the last couple of days, I caught another glimpse.
:'''Dean''': So what are you saying?
:'''Sam''': I'm in no shape to be hunting. I need to step back, 'cause I'm dangerous. Maybe it's best we just go our separate ways.
:'''Dean''': Well I think you're right.
:'''Sam''': I was expecting a fight.
:'''Dean''': The truth is, I spend more time worrying about you, than about doing the job right. I just can't afford that, you know? Not now.
:'''Sam''': I'm sorry, Dean.
:'''Dean''': I know you are, Sam. Hey, you, uh... wanna take the Impala?
:'''Sam''': It's okay. ''[gets up to leave]'' Take care of yourself, Dean.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, you too, Sammy.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 5)#ep85|Free to Be You and Me]]'' [5.03]==
:'''[[w:List of Supernatural characters#Jessica Moore|Jessica]]''': Hey baby. I missed you.
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Jessica? I'm dreaming.
:'''Jessica''': Or you're not. What's the difference? I'm here.
:'''Sam''': I miss you, so much.
:'''Jessica''': I know. I miss you too. What are you doing, Sam?
:'''Sam''': What do you mean?
:'''Jessica''': Running away. Haven't we been down this road before?
:'''Sam''': No. It's different now.
:'''Jessica''': ''[a statement rather than a question]'' Really.
:'''Sam''': Last time, I wanted to be normal. This time... I know I'm a freak.
:'''Jessica''': Which is all a big ball of semantics. You know that.
:'''Sam''': No.
:'''Jessica''': Even at Stanford, you knew. You knew there was something dark inside of you. Deep down, maybe, but you knew. Maybe that's what got me killed.
:'''Sam''': No.
:'''Jessica''': I was dead from the moment we said hello.
:'''Sam''': No.
:'''Jessica''': Don't you get it? You can't run from yourself. Why are you running now?
:'''Sam''': Why are you here, Jess?
:'''Jessica''': Would you believe I'm actually trying to protect you?
:'''Sam''': From what?
:'''Jessica''': You. Sooner or later, the past is gonna catch up to you like it always does. You know what happens then? People die. Baby, the people closest to you die.
:'''Sam''': Well don't worry, because I won't make that mistake again.
:'''Jessica''': Same song, different verse. Things are never gonna change with you. Never.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Tell me something; you keep saying we're gonna trap this guy, but isn't that kinda like trapping a hurricane with a butterfly net?
:'''[[w:Castiel (Supernatural)|Castiel]]''': No, it's harder.
:'''Dean''': Do we have any chance of surviving this?
:'''Castiel''': You do.
:'''Dean''': ...So, odds are, you're a dead man tomorrow?
:'''Castiel''': Yes.
:'''Dean''': Oh. Well, last night on earth, what, uh... what're your plans?
:'''Castiel''': I just thought I'd sit here quietly.
:'''Dean''': Dude, c'mon, anything? Hm? Booze, women? ''[Castiel glances at Dean, then looks away quickly]'' You have been with a woman before. Right? Or an angel, at least? ''[Castiel rubs his neck in embarrassment. Dean leans down to almost talk in his ear]'' You mean to tell me you've never been up there doing a little cloud seeding?
:'''Castiel''': Look, I've never had occasion, okay?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:List of angels in Supernatural#Raphael|Raphael]]''': Castiel.
:'''Castiel''': Raphael.
:'''Dean''': Oh, you know, I thought you were supposed to be impressive. All you do is black out the room?
:'''Raphael''': And the eastern seaboard. It is a testament to my unending mercy that I don't smite you here and now.
:'''Dean''': Or maybe you're full of crap. Maybe you're afraid that God'll bring Cas back to life again, and smite you and your candy-ass skirt. By the way, hi, I'm Dean. ''[Waves]''
:'''Rapheal''': I know who you are, and now thanks to him ''[glances at Castiel]'' I know where you are.
:'''Castiel''': You won't kill him. You wouldn't dare.
:'''Rapheal''': But I will take him to Micheal.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Raphael''': But there's no other explanation. He's gone for good.
:'''Castiel''': You're lying.
:'''Raphael''': Am I? Do you remember the twentieth century? Think the twenty-first is going any better? Do you think God would've let any of that happen if He were alive?
:'''Dean''': Oh yeah? Well then who invented the Chinese basket trick?
:'''Raphael''': Careful. That's my Father you're talking about, boy.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, who would be so proud to know that His sons started the friggin' apocalypse.
:'''Raphael''': Who ran off and disappeared. Who left no instructions, and a world to run.
:'''Dean''': So Daddy ran away and disappeared. He didn't happen to work for the post office, did He?
:'''Raphael''': This is funny to you? You're living in a Godless universe!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Look, I'll be the first to tell you that this little crusade of yours is nuts, but... I do know a little something about missing fathers.
:'''Castiel''': What do you mean?
:'''Dean''': I mean, there were times when I was looking for my dad when... all logic said that he was dead. But I knew, in my heart, that he was still alive. So, who cares what some Ninja Turtle says, Cas? What do you believe?
:'''Castiel''': I believe He's out there.
:'''Dean''': Good. Then go find Him.
:'''Castiel''': What about you?
:'''Dean''': What about me? I don't know. Honestly... I'm good. I can't believe I'm saying that, but I am, I'm... I'm really good.
:'''Castiel''': Even without your brother?
:'''Dean''': Especially without my brother. I mean, I spend so much time worrying about the son of a bitch. I mean, I've had more fun with you in the past twenty-four hours than I've had with Sam in years. And you're not that much fun. It's funny, you know, I've been so chained to my family, but now that I'm alone... hell, I'm happy.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 5)#ep86|The End]]'' [5.04]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': So you're his vessel, huh? Lucifer's wearing you to the prom?
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': That's what he said.
:'''Dean''': Just when we thought you were out, they pull you back in, huh, Sammy?
:'''Sam''': So that's it, that's your response?
:'''Dean''': What are you looking for?
:'''Sam''': I don't know, uh, a little panic, maybe?
:'''Dean''': I guess I'm a little numb with the earth-shattering revelations at this point.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': So what, you're just gonna walk back in, and we're gonna be the dynamic duo again?
:'''Sam''': Look, Dean, I can do this. I can. I'm gonna prove it to you.
:'''Dean''': Look, Sam, it doesn't matter. Whatever we do. I mean, it turns out that you and me, we're the, uh... the fire and the oil of the Armageddon. You know, on that basis alone, we should just pick a hemisphere. Stay away from each other for good. 
:'''Sam''': Dean, it does not have to be like this, we can fight it.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, you're right, we can. But not together. We're not stronger when we're together, Sam. I think we're weaker. Because whatever we have between us; love, family, whatever it is; they are always gonna use it against us. And you know that. No, we're better off apart. We got a better chance of dodging Lucifer and Michael and this whole damn thing... if we just go our own ways.
:'''Sam''': Dean, don't do this.
:'''Dean''': Goodbye, Sam.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': What are you, a hippie?
:'''2014-[[w:Castiel (Supernatural)|Castiel]]''': ''[stretching]'' Thought you'd gotten over trying to label me.
:'''Dean''': Cas, we need to talk.
:'''2014-Castiel''': ''[turns to face Dean]'' Whoa, strange.
:'''Dean''': What?
:'''2014-Castiel''': You... are not you, not 'now' you, anyway.
:'''Dean''': No! Yeah- yes. Exactly.
:'''2014-Castiel''': What year are you from?
:'''Dean''': 2009.
:'''2014-Castiel''': Who did this to you? Is it Zachariah?
:'''Dean''': Yes.
:'''2014-Castiel''': Interesting.
:'''Dean''': Oh yeah, it's friggin' fascinating. Now... why don't you just strap on your angel wings and fly me back to my page on the calendar?
:'''2014-Castiel''': ''[turns away and laughs]'' I wish I could just, uh, strap on my wings, but, uh, I'm sorry, no dice. ''[Laughs again]''
:'''Dean''': ...What are you, stoned?
:'''2014-Castiel''': Generally, yeah.
:'''Dean''': What happened to you?
:'''2014-Castiel''': ''[shrugs]'' Life.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:List of angels in Supernatural#Lucifer|Lucifer]] as Sam ''': Oh. Hello, Dean. Aren't you a surprise? You've come a long way to see this, haven't you?
:'''Dean''': Well go ahead. Kill me.
:'''Lucifer as Sam ''': Kill you? ''[looks at the body of Dean-2014]'' Don't you think that would be a little redundant? ''[Sighs]'' I'm sorry. It must be painful, speaking to me in this... shape. But it had to be your brother. It had to be. ''[Tries to touch Dean but Dean flinches back]'' You don't have to be afraid of me, Dean. What do you think I'm going to do?
:'''Dean''': I don't know, maybe deep-fry the planet?
:'''Lucifer as Sam ''': Why? Why would I want to destroy this stunning thing? Beautiful, in a trillion different ways. The last perfect handiwork of God. You ever hear the story of how I fell from Grace?
:'''Dean''': Oh, good God, you're not gonna tell me a bedtime story, are ya? My stomach's almost outta bile.
:'''Lucifer as Sam ''': You know why God cast me down? Because I loved Him. More than anything. And then God created...''[smirks]'' you. The little... hairless apes. And then He asked all of us to bow down before you. To love you more than Him. And I said, &quot;Father, I can't.&quot; I said, &quot;These human beings are flawed. Murderous.&quot; And for that, God had Michael cast me into Hell. Now tell me, does the punishment fit the crime? Especially when I was right. Look what six billion of you have done to this thing. And how many of you blame me for it.
:'''Dean''': ''[voice wavering]'' You're not fooling me, you know that? With this 'sympathy for the devil' crap. I know what you are. 
:'''Lucifer as Sam ''': What am I?
:'''Dean''': You're the same thing, only bigger. The same brand of cockroach I've been squashing my whole life. An ugly, evil, belly-to-the-ground supernatural piece of crap. The only difference between them and you, is the size of your ego.
:'''Lucifer as Sam ''': I like you, Dean. I get what the other angels see in you. Goodbye. We'll meet again soon.
:'''Dean''': You better kill me now!
:'''Lucifer as Sam ''': Pardon?
:'''Dean''':  You better kill me now! Or I swear, I will find a way to kill you. And I won't stop-
:'''Lucifer as Sam ''': I know you won't. I know you won't say yes to Michael either, and I know you won't kill Sam. Whatever you do, you will always end up here. Whatever choices you make, whatever details you alter, we will always end up... here. ''[tears start to fall from Dean freely]'' I win... So, I win. 
:'''Dean''': You're wrong.
:'''Lucifer as Sam ''': See you in five years, Dean.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Sam. ''[holds Ruby's knife out to Sam]'' If you're serious, and you want back in... you should hang onto this. I'm sure you're rusty. Look, man, I'm sorry. I don't know, uh, whatever I need to be, but I was, uh... wrong.
:'''Sam''': What made you change your mind?
:'''Dean''': Long story. The point is... maybe we are each other's Achilles' heel. Maybe they'll find a way to use us against each other, I don't know. I just know, we're all we've got. More than that... we keep each other human.
:'''Sam''': Thank you. Really, thank you. I won't let you down.
:'''Dean''': Oh, I know it. I mean, you are the second-best hunter on the planet.
:'''Sam''': So what do we do now?
:'''Dean''': We make our own future.
:'''Sam''': Guess we have no choice.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 5)#ep87|Fallen Idols]]'' [5.05]==
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': So... what's with this job?
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Dude suffers a head-on collision in a parked car? I'd say it's worth checking out.
:'''Sam''': Yeah, definitely, um, but... we've got bigger problems, don't you think?
:'''Dean''': I'm sure the apocalypse'll still be there when we get back.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': ''[referring to &quot;Little Bastard&quot;]'' So, what, this is like, ''[[w:Christine (1983 film)|Christine]]''?
:'''Dean''': No, ''Christine'' is fiction; this, this is real.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Let me get this straight: your, uh, ultimate hero was not only a short man in diapers, but he was also a fruitarian.
:'''Sam''': That's not the point.
:'''Dean''': That is good. That is-even for you, that is good. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': How long am I gonna be double-secret probation?
:'''Dean''': Until I say so.
:'''Sam''': Look. I know what I did. What I've done. And I am trying to climb out of that hole, I am, but you're not making it any easier.
:'''Dean''': What am I supposed to do, just let you off the hook?
:'''Sam''': No. You can think whatever you want. I deserve it, and worse. Hell, you'll never punish me as much as I'm punishing myself, but the point is, if we're gonna be a team, you and I—it has to be a two-way street.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
: '''Sam''': Dean, one of the reasons I went off with Ruby... was to get away from you. 
: '''Dean''': What?
: '''Sam''': It made me feel strong, like I wasn't your kid brother. 
: '''Dean''': Are you saying this is my fault?
: '''Sam''': No, it's my fault. All I'm saying is that if we're going to do this, we have to do it different. We can't just fall into the same rut. 
: '''Dean''': What do you want me to do?
: '''Sam''': You're gonna have to let me grow up, for starters.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 5)#ep88|I Believe the Children Are Our Future]]'' [5.06]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Maybe that's the connection. The Tooth Fairy, the Pop Rocks and Coke, the joy buzzer that shocks you, they're all lies that kids believe.
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': And now they're coming true. Okay, so whatever's doing this is—is reshaping reality. It has the powers of a god. Or of a trickster.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, with the sense of humor of a nine-year-old.
:'''Sam''': Or you.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': I don't get it, Jesse is the devil's son?
:'''[[w:Castiel (Supernatural)|Castiel]]''': ''[sighs and lets loose an eye roll]'' No, of course not; your Bible gets more wrong than it does right.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': ''[steps between Sam and Castiel]'' Okay, hey, look, we are not going to kill him. Alright? But we can't leave Jesse here, either. We know that. So... we take him to Bobby's, he'll know what to do.
:'''Castiel''': You'll kidnap him? What is going on in this town, it's what happens when this thing is happy; you cannot imagine what it will do if it's angry.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': You've got choices, Jesse. But if you make the wrong ones, it'll haunt you for the rest of your life.
:'''Jesse''': Why are you telling me this?!
:'''Sam''': Because I have to believe someone can make the right choice, even if I couldn't.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': You think Jesse's gonna be OK?
:'''Sam''': I hope so.
:'''Dean''': You know we destroyed that kid's life by telling him the truth.
:'''Sam''': We didn't have a choice, Dean.
:'''Dean''': Yeah. You know I'm starting to get why parents lie to their kids. You want them to believe that the worst thing out there is to mixing poprocks and coke. Protect them from the real evil. You want them going to bed feeling safe. If that means lying to them, so be it. More I think about it... more I wish dad had lied to us.
:'''Sam''': Yeah, me too.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 5)#ep89|The Curious Case Of Dean Winchester]]'' [5.07]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': So you were just gonna shoot some old guy, is that it?
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': I didn't know what you were. I mean have you seen you? You look like-
:'''Dean''': The old chick in ''Titanic''. I know, shut up.
:'''Sam''': I was gonna say Emperor Palpatine.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Sammy, when you get to be our age...
:'''Sam''': You're 30, Dean! 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Bobby Singer|Bobby]]''': What exactly am I living for, huh? The damn apocalypse?! Watching men die bloody while I sit in this chair, can't take a step to help 'em.
:'''Dean''': Bobby...
:'''Bobby''': No, no, It's the facts. I'm old, and I'm broke down, and I... I ain't a hunter no more. I'm useless. And if I wasn't such a coward I'd have stuck a gun in my mouth the day I got home from the hospital. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Patrick''': I'm sorry kid. Aces full.
:'''Sam''': ''[to Lia]'' You're crying. For a witch, you're so nice it's actually kinda creepy. It's okay. ''[to Patrick]'' It was a great hand. Just... not as great as... ''[Sam lays his hand down, revealing two fours, matching the two fours in the table hand]'' as four fours.
:'''Patrick''': Well played. You know, that whole... 'going out of your head' bit, very method. There's more to you than meets the eye. ''[raises his glass]''
:'''Sam''': Cash these in for Dean. Please.
:'''Patrick''': With pleasure.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': You're not useless, Bobby.
:'''Bobby''': Okay... good talk.
:'''Dean''': Whoa, wait a moment, listen to me. You don't stop being a soldier 'cause you got wounded in battle. Okay? No matter what shape you're in, bottom line is: you're family. Now I don't know if you've noticed but me and Sam, we don't have much left. I can't do this without you. I can't. So don't you dare think about checking out! I don't wanna hear that again!
:'''Bobby''': Okay.
:'''Dean''': Okay. Good.
:'''Bobby''': Thanks... now we done feeling our feelings? Cause I'd like to get out of this room before we both start growing lady parts.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, we're done.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 5)#ep90|Changing Channels]]'' [5.08]==
:''[The episode opens in the form of a sitcom]''
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': ''[Narrating]'' Supernatural is filmed before a live studio audience.
:'''Dean''': ''[Closes his fridge and looks at a cartoonishly big sandwich]'' I'm gonna need a bigger mouth.
:'''Audience''':''[Laughs, then cheers as Sam walks through the door]''
:'''Dean''': Hey there Sam. What's happening?
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Oh nothing, um, just the end of the world. ''[Audience laughs. Sam looks at the sandwich]'' You're gonna need a bigger mouth. Hey, uh, have you done your research yet?
:'''Dean''': Oh yeah, All kinds of research. All night.
:'''Sam''': Yeah?
:'''Audience''': ''[lets loose wolf whistles and catcalls as a bikini clad woman exits the bathroom]''
:'''Woman''': Oh, Dean. We have some more &quot;research&quot; to do.''[More laughter]''
:'''Sam''': ''[thoroughly exasperated]'' Dean...
:'''Dean''': ''[Extreme close-up]'' Son of a bitch! ''[More laughter and cheers]''
:''[A cheesy opening credits sequence ensues, complete with Sam and Dean riding on a tandem bicycle and mopeds , playing pass football in a park, and hunting ghosts in a very comic fashion]'' 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Calm down?! I am wearing sunglasses at night! You know who does that? No-talent douchebags. I hate this game. I hate that we're in a procedural cop show. And you want to know why? Because I ''hate'' procedural cop shows. There's like 300 on television, they're all the freaking same, it's: &quot;oh... a plane crashed here.&quot; Oh shut up!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:List of Angels in Supernatural#Gabriel|Gabriel]]:''' You do not know my family. What you guys call the Apocalypse, I used to call Sunday dinner!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': No, we're not 'cause we don't screw with people the way you do. And for the record, this isn't about some prized fight between your brothers. Or some destiny that can't be stopped. This is about you being too afraid to stand up to your family! ''[after setting off the sprinkler system]'' Don't say I never did anything for you.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': All that stuff he was spouting in there, do you think he was telling the truth?
:'''Sam''': I think he believes it.
:'''Dean''': So what do we do?
:'''Sam''': I don't know.
:'''Dean''': I'll tell you one thing – right about now wish I was back on a TV show.
:'''Sam''': Yeah, me too.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 5)#ep91|The Real Ghostbusters]]'' [5.09]==
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': He means the books, Chuck. Why are you publishing more books?
:'''[[w:List of Supernatural characters#Chuck Shurley / God|Chuck]]''': Um... for food and shelter.
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Who gave you the rights to our life story?
:'''Chuck''': An Archangel, and I didn't want it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Well, you sure look lovely tonight. Especially for a dead chick.
:'''Leticia Actress''': Buddy, I have heard that line 17 times tonight, okay? And all from dudes wearing MacGyver jackets. But you seem different.
:'''Dean''': How so?
:'''Leticia Actress''': Well, you don't seem scared of women.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': No, I am not a fan, okay. Not fans. In fact, I think that the Dean and Sam story sucks. It is not fun, it's not entertaining. It is a river of crap that would send most people howling to the nuthouse! So you listen to me. Their pain is not for your amusement. I mean, do you think they they enjoy being treated like-like circus freaks?
:'''Demian''': Ahh, I don't think they care. Because they're ''fictional'' characters.
:'''Dean''': Oh, they care. Believe me, they care a lot! ''[storms off]''
:'''Sam''': He, uh... He takes the story really seriously.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Demian''': I'm not sure you get what the story's about.
:'''Dean''': That so?
:'''Demian''': Alright, look. In real life, he sells stereo equipment, I fix copiers; our lives suck. But to be Sam and Dean... to wake up every morning and save the world, to have a brother who, who would die for you... Well, who wouldn't want that?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Chuck''': Like all authors I started writing because of love. I had a huge crush on Nancy McKeon who played Jo in ''[[w:The Facts of Life (TV series)|The Facts of Life]]''. I must have written her forty to fifty letters. She never wrote back.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 5)#ep92|Abandon All Hope…]]'' [5.10]==
:'''[[w:Castiel (Supernatural)|Castiel]]''': The demon Crowley is making a deal; even as we speak, it's... going... down.
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Going down? Right. Okay, Huggy Bear, just don't lose him.
:'''Castiel''': I won't lose him.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Oh, uh, excuse me for asking, but aren't you kind of signing your own death warrant? I mean, what happens to you if we go up against the devil and lose?
:'''[[w:Crowley (Supernatural)|Crowley]]''': Number one, he's going to wipe us all out anyway. Two, after you leave here, I go on an extended vacation to all points nowhere. And three, how about you don't miss, okay! Morons!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': So. Dangerous mission tomorrow. Guess it's time to eat, drink, and, you know, make merry.
:'''[[w:Jo Harvelle|Jo]]''': Are you giving me the last night on Earth speech?
:'''Dean''': What?
:'''Jo''': What?
:'''Dean''': No. ''[laughs No. If I was, would, uh,... would that work?
:'''Jo''': ''[leans in to kiss him, but breaks off]'' No. Sweetheart, if this is our last night on Earth, then I'm going to spend it with a little thing I call self-respect.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': Lucifer.
:'''[[w:List of angels in Supernatural#Lucifer|Lucifer]]''': So, I take it you're here with the Winchesters?
:'''Castiel''': I came alone.
:'''Lucifer''': Loyalty... such a nice quality to see this day and age.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lucifer''': I know what you must think of me, Sam. But I have to do this. I have to. You of all people should understand. 
:'''Sam''': What's that supposed to mean? 
:'''Lucifer''': I was a son. A brother, like you, a younger brother, and I had an older brother who I love. Idolized, in fact. And one day I went to him and I begged him to stand with me, and Michael... Michael turned on me. Called me a freak. A monster. And then he beat me down. All because I was different. Because I had a mind of my own. Tell me something, Sam. Any of this sound familiar? Anyway. You'll have to excuse me, midnight is calling and I have a ritual to finish. Don't go anywhere. Not that you could if you would.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 5)#ep93|Sam, Interrupted]]'' [5.11]==
:'''Dr. Fuller''': You were referred to me by a Dr. Babar in Chicago.
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': That's right.
:'''Dr. Fuller''': Isn't there a children's book about an elephant named Babar?
:'''Dean''': I don't know. I don't have any elephant books. Look doctor, I-I think the doc was in over his head with this one ''[points at Sam]''. Cause my brother's, uh... ''[whistles and makes circles with his finger]''.
:'''Dr. Fuller''': Okay fine, thank you, that's, that's really not necessary. Why don't you tell me how you're feeling, Alex?
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': ''[sighs]'' I'm fine. I mean, okay, a little depressed, I guess.
:'''Dr. Fuller''': Alright. Any idea why?
:'''Sam''': Probably because I started the apocalypse.
:'''Dr. Fuller''': The apocalypse?
:'''Sam''': Yeah. That's right.
:'''Dr. Fuller''': And you think you started it?
:'''Sam''': Well yeah. I mean, I killed this demon – Lilith – and I accidentally freed Lucifer from Hell. So now he's topside, and we're trying to stop him.
:'''Dr. Fuller''': Who is?
:'''Sam''': Me. Him. And, uh, this one angel.
:'''Dr. Fuller''': Oh, you mean like a, like an angel on your shoulder.
:'''Sam''': No no. His name's Castiel. He wears a trench coat.
:'''Dean''': See what I mean, doc? I mean the kid's been beating himself up about this for months! The apocalypse wasn't his fault.
:'''Dr. Fuller''': It's not?
:'''Dean''': No. There was this other demon, Ruby? She had him addicted to demon blood, I mean, near the end he was practically chugging the stuff. My brother's not evil. He was just... high. Y'know, so, could you fix him up so we could get back to traveling around the country and hunting monsters?
:'''Dr. Fuller''': ''[smiles weakly, then picks up his phone]''. Urma? Cancel my lunch.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Fuller''': Alright Ted, calm down.
:'''Ted''': I am calm. And I'd very calmly like to talk about the monster that's hunting us.
:'''Dr. Fuller''': Ted, we're not going to have that discussion again. It's not good for group.
:'''Ted''': I agree. You know what else isn't good for group? A monster eating all our faces off!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Cartwright''': Why you?
:'''Dean''': Why me what?
:'''Dr. Cartwright''': Why do you have to hunt monsters? Why not let someone else do it?
:'''Dean''': I can't find anybody else that dumb. It's my job, somebody's gotta save people's asses. Yours included.
:'''Dr. Cartwright''': So, is there a quota? How many people do you have to save?
:'''Dean''': All of 'em. 
:'''Dr. Cartwright''': All of them? You think you have to save everyone?
:'''Dean''': Yup. Whole wide world of sports.
:'''Dr. Cartwright''': How? ''[Dean hesitates]'' Believe me, whatever you've got, I've heard weirder. 
:'''Dean''': It's the end of the world, okay? I mean, it's the damn biblical apocalypse. And if I don't stop it and save everyone then no one will and we all die.
:'''Dr. Cartwright''': That's horrible. 
:'''Dean''': Tell me about it.
:'''Dr. Cartwright''': I mean, apocalypse or no apocalypse. Monsters or no monsters. It's a crushing weight to have on your shoulders, to feel like six billion lives depend on you. God, how do you get up in the morning?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Fuller''': Monsters are the least of your problems. People can learn to live with delusions, but the anger I saw in you... you hurt those two men, and you were going to kill me. The look in your eyes when you came after me, I... it was like you were barely even human. Like a man possessed.
:'''Sam''': I know. Please... just... could you give me a second chance?
:'''Dr. Fuller''': Well, this isn't a prison. You'll be allowed to go to the day room, under supervision. 
:'''Sam''': Thank you.
:'''Dr. Fuller''': But if there is one more outburst, I will transfer you to a facility that is equipped to handle violent patients, and believe me, they will be far, far less forgiving.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': The wraith-
:'''Dean''': What about her?
:'''Sam''': She was right.
:'''Dean''': No, she wasn't. She's dead, okay? Let's hit the road. I need a drink, or twelve.
:'''Sam''': Most of the time I can hide it, but I am angry. I'm mad at everything. I used to be mad at you and dad, then Lilith, now it's Lucifer. And I make excuses: I blame Ruby, or the demon blood, but it's not their fault, it's not them, it's me. It's inside me. I'm mad all the time, and I don't know why.
:'''Dean''': Stop. Stop it. So what if you are? What are you gonna do here, take a leave of absence? You gonna say yes to Lucifer? What? 
:'''Sam''': No, of course not.
:'''Dean''': Exactly. And that's exactly what you're going to do: you're going to take all that crap, and you're gonna bury it. You're gonna forget about it, because that's how we keep going.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 5)#ep94|Swap Meat]]'' [5.12]==
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]] (as Gary)''': ''[finds AP school textbooks]'' Smart kid. ''[finds Star Wars t-shirt]'' Virgin. ''[finds porno magazine]'' Frustrated virgin. ''[continues rumaging through box and finds cloth with Satanic symbols on it]'' Witchcraft, huh Gary? You little Satanic bastard.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Trevor''': Everybody knows Dean. He's Hell's most wanted.
:'''Sam (as Gary)''': Oh, no. Have you idiots been talking to demons?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': ''[to Gary]'' Rebel a little bit, in a healthy, non-satanic way. By the way, you know why Nora's into witchcraft? 
:'''Gary''': What do you mean?
:'''Sam''': She doesn't like Satan, you moron. She likes you.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': That was a nice thing to say.
:'''Sam''': Totally lied. Kid's life sucked ass. All that apple pie family crap, it's stressful. Trust me, we didn't miss a damn thing.
:'''Dean''': Or we don't know what we're missing.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 5)#ep95|The Song Remains the Same]]'' [5.13]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': ''[After Anna shows up in his stripper dream]'' Anna! I was just, uh, workin' on a case. 
:'''[[w:Anna Milton|Anna]]''': ...This is what you dream about...? 
:'''Dean''': This is awkward.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:John Winchester (Supernatural)|John]]''': Monsters? Monsters? 
:'''[[w:List of Supernatural characters#Mary Winchester|Mary]]''': Yes.
:'''John''': Monsters are real? 
:'''Mary''': I'm sorry, I didn't know how to-
:'''John''': And you fight them? All of you?
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Yeah.
:'''John''': How long?
:'''Mary''': All my life.
:''(Dean, Sam, and Mary all try to explain at the same time)''
:'''John''': Shut up, all of you! Look not another word or so help me, I will turn this car around!
:'''Dean''': Wow, awkward family road trip.
:'''Sam''': No kidding.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''John''': Y'all may have treated me like a fool, but I am not useless. I can draw a damn, whatever it is - a sigil.
:'''Dean''': Why don't you go help Sam out? 'Kay? 'Cause this has got to be done in... it's gotta be done in human blood.
:'''John''': ''[cuts his hand open]'' So? How big?
:'''Dean''': I'll show you. ''[laughs softly]''
:'''John''': What?
:'''Dean''': All of a sudden, you really remind me of my dad.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''John''': How long have you known about this hunting stuff?
:'''Sam''': Pretty much forever. My dad raised me in it.
:'''John''': You're serious? Who the hell does that to a ''kid''?
:'''Sam''': Well, for the record... Mary's parents did.
:'''John''': I don't care! What kind of irresponsible bastard lets a child anywhere near - you know you could have been killed!
:'''Sam''': I, uh... came kinda close.
:'''John''': The number it must have done on your head. Your father was supposed to protect you.
:'''Sam''': He was trying. He died trying. Believe me. I used to be mad at him. I mean, I used to... I used to hate the guy, but now I... I get it. He was... just doing the best he could. And he was trying to keep it together in this impossible situation. See, my mom, um, she was amazing, beautiful and she was the love of his life, she got killed and, I think, he would've gone crazy if he didn't do something. Truth is, um, my dad died before I got to tell him that... I understand, why he did what he did and I forgive him for what it did to us. I do. And I just... I love him.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:List of angels in Supernatural#Michael|Michael]]''': Lucifer defied our Father, and he betrayed me, but still, I don't want this any more than you would want to kill Sam. You know, my brother, I practically raised him. I took care of him in a way most people could never understand, and I still love him. But I am going to kill him, because it is right, and I have to.
:'''Dean''': What, because God says so?
:'''Michael''': Yes. From the beginning, He knew this was how it was going to end.
:'''Dean''': And you're just going to do whatever God says?
:'''Michael''': Yes, because I am a good son.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 5)#ep96|My Bloody Valentine]]'' [5.14]==
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Alright, I'm just gonna go through some files, you can go ahead and get going.
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Sorry?
:'''Sam''': Go ahead. Unleash the Kraken. See you tomorrow morning.
:'''Dean''': ''[confused]'' Where am I going?
:'''Sam''': Dean, it's Valentine's Day. Your favorite holiday, remember? I mean, what do you always call it? Uh, &quot;unattached drifter Christmas&quot;?
:'''Dean''': Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well... be that as it may, I don't know. Guess I'm not feeling it this year.
:'''Sam''': So, you're not into bars full of lonely women?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': ''[speaking on his cell]'' Cas, it's Dean. Yeah, Room 31-C, basement level, St. James Medical Center--
:'''[[w:Castiel (Supernatural)|Castiel]]''': ''[appears in front of Dean, still talking into the cell phone]'' I'm there now.
:'''Dean''': ...Yeah, I get that.
:'''Castiel''': I'm gonna hang up now.
:'''Dean''': Right.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': What human myth has mistaken for Cupid is actually a lower order of angel. Technically it's a cherub. Third class.
:'''Dean''': Cherub?
:'''Castiel''': Yeah. They're all over the world, there are dozens of them.
:'''Dean''': You mean the little flying fat kid in diapers.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Are you saying that you fixed up our parents?
:'''Cupid''': Well not me, but yeah. Oh, it wasn't easy either. Oooh, they couldn't stand each other at first. But when we were done with them, perfect couple!
:'''Dean''': Perfect?
:'''Cupid''': Yeah.
:'''Dean''': They're ''dead''.
:'''Cupid''': I'm sorry but the orders were very clear, you and Sam needed to be born. Your parents were just, uh, meant to be. ''[Starts singing ''A Match Made in Heaven''. Dean punches him then turns around cradling his hand]''
:'''Dean''': Son of a bitch. ''[Hear Cupid fleeing]'' Where is he? Where'd he go?
:'''Castiel''': I believe you upset him.
:'''Dean''': Upset him?
:'''Sam''': Dean, enough!
:'''Dean''': What?
:'''Sam''': You just punched a cupid!
:'''Dean''': I punched a dick!
:'''Sam''': Um... are we going to talk about what's been up with you lately or not?
:'''Dean''': Or not. ''[Storms out]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': What I don't understand is: where's your hunger Dean?
:'''Dean''': Huh?
:'''Castiel''': Well, slowly but surely, everyone in this town is falling prey to Famine, but so far you seem unaffected.
:'''Dean''': Hey, when I want to drink, I drink. When I want sex, I go get it. Same goes for a sandwich, or a fight.
:'''Castiel''': So you're saying you're just well adjusted?
:'''Dean''': God no. I'm just well fed.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 5)#ep97|Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid]]'' [5.15]==
:''[Dean is eating pie in Bobby's kitchen. There are pies everywhere.]''
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that you like pies.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': You got anymore ammo? I'm low...
:'''[[w:Bobby Singer|Bobby]]''': Yeah, we got plenty. Just run back past the zombies, it's in the van where we left it.
:'''Dean''': A simple no would have been fine.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[In a closet with zombies banging on the door.]''
:'''Bobby''': Kind of a tight fit, don't ya think.
:'''Dean''': It's alright. They're idiots. They can't pick a lock. ''[The lock starts to get picked.]''
:'''Bobby''': Don't you ever get tired of being wrong?
:'''Dean''': I'm making this stuff up as I go. Sue me!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby''': She was the love of my life; how many times do I gotta kill her?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby''': You boys should know, Karen told me why Death was here.
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': What do you mean?
:'''Bobby''': I know why he took a stroll through a cemetery in the sticks of South Dakota. He came for me.
:'''Dean''': What do you mean you?
:'''Bobby''': Death came for me. He brought Karen back to send me a message.
:'''Dean''': You? Why you?
:'''Bobby''': Because I've been helping you, you sons of bitches. I'm one of the reasons you're still saying no to Lucifer, Sam.
:'''Dean''': So, this was like a hit on your life?
:'''Bobby''': I don't know if they wanted to take my life or... my spirit. Either way, they wanted me out of the way.
:'''Sam''': But you're going to be alright, right Bobby? ''[Bobby doesn't say anything]''

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 5)#ep98|Dark Side of the Moon]]'' [5.16]==
{{otherusesof|dark side of the Moon|dark side of the Moon}}

:'''[[w:Castiel (Supernatural)|Castiel]]''': Dean!
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Cas?
:'''Castiel''': ''[speaking through the Impala's radio]'' Yeah, it's me.
:'''Dean''': ''[opens the door and gets in the Impala]'' You gotta stop poking around in my dreams; I need some me time.
:'''Castiel''': Listen to me very closely. This isn't a dream.
:'''Dean''': Then what is it?
:'''Castiel''': Deep down, you already know.
:'''Dean''': I'm dead.
:'''Castiel''': Condolences.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Heaven?
:'''Dean''': Yeah.
:'''Sam''': OK, how are ''we'' in heaven?
:'''Dean''': All that clean living, I guess.
:'''Sam''': No, no... um. Okay, you, I get, sure. But me, maybe you haven't noticed but, um, I've done a few things.
:'''Dean''': You thought you were doing the right thing.
:'''Sam''': Last I checked, it wasn't the road to heaven that was paved with good intentions.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, well if this is the Skymall, it sucks. I mean, where's the triplets and the latex, you know? Come on, a guy has needs.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': This was my first real Thanksgiving.
:'''Dean''': What are you talking about? We had Thanksgiving every year.
:'''Sam''': We had a bucket of extra crispy and Dad passed out on the couch.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Dad said they always had the perfect marriage.
:'''Dean''': It wasn't perfect until after she died.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Wait a minute, wait a minute. This... this is the night you ditched us for Stanford isn't it? This is your idea of heaven? Wow, this is like one of the worst nights of my life.
:'''Sam''': I can't control this stuff.
:'''Dean''': Seriously? This is a happy memory for you?
:'''Sam''': I don't know, I was on my own. I finally got away from Dad...
:'''Dean''': Yeah, he wasn't the only one you got away from.
:'''Sam''': Dean, I'm sorry. I-I just...
:'''Dean''': Yeah, I know, you didn't think of it like that.
:'''Sam''': Dean...
:'''Dean''': Come on, your heaven is somebody else's Thanksgiving. Okay? It's bailing on your family, what do you want me to say?
:'''Sam''': Man, I never got the crusts cut off my PB&amp;J. I-I just don't look at family the way you do.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, but I'm your family...
:'''Sam''': I know.
:'''Dean''': We're supposed to be a team. It's supposed to be me and you against the world...
:'''Sam''': Dean... it is.
:'''Dean''': Is it?

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 5)#ep99|99 Problems]]'' [5.17]==
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': ''[To Dean]'' No drinking, no gambling, no premarital sex. Dean, they basically just outlawed 90 percent of your personality.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Castiel (Supernatural)|Castiel]]''': ''[appearing behind Sam, his voice flat and slurring]'' I got your message. It was long, your message. I find the sound of your voice grating.
:'''Sam''': What's wrong with you? Are you... drunk?
:'''Castiel''': No! ''[brief pause]'' Yes.
:'''Sam''': What the hell happened to you?
:'''Castiel''': I found a liquor store.
:'''Sam''': And?
:'''Castiel''': And I drank it. Why'd you call me? ''[stumbles before Sam catches him]'
:'''Sam''': Whoa, there you go. Easy. Are you OK?
:'''Castiel''': ''[beckons Sam over before speaking into his ear]'' Don't ask stupid questions. Tell me what you need.
:'''Sam''': There have been these... these demon attacks. Massive, right on the edge of town. And we can't figure out why they're--
:'''Castiel''': Any sign of angels?
:'''Sam''': Sort of. They've been speaking to this prophet.
:'''Castiel''': Who?
:'''Sam''': This girl, Leah Gideon.
:'''Castiel''': She's not a prophet.
:'''Sam''': I'm pretty sure she is. Visions, headaches, the whole package.
:'''Castiel''': The names of ''all'' the prophets, they're seared into my brain. Leah Gideon is not one of them.
:'''Sam''': Then what is she?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Well, what is she exactly?
:'''Castiel''': The whore.
:'''Dean''': Wow, Cas, tell us what you really think...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': The Whore can only be killed by a true servant of Heaven.
:'''Dean''': Servant like...?
:'''Castiel''': Not you, or me. Sam of course is an abomination. We'll have to find someone else.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': I have no illusions. 'Kay, I know the life that I live. I know how that's going to end for me. Whatever. I'm okay with that. But I wanted you to know, that when I do picture myself happy, it's with you. And the kid.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 5)#ep100|Point of No Return]]'' [5.18]==
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': What the hell, man? This is how it ends? You just... walk out?
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Yeah, I guess...
:'''Sam''': How could you do that?
:'''Dean''': How could I? All you've ever done is run away! 
:'''Sam''': And I was wrong every single time I did!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Bobby Singer|Bobby]]''': You can't give up, son.
:'''Dean''': You're not my father. And you ain't in my shoes. ''[Bobby looks heartbroken and Sam gives Dean a disapproving head shake.]''
:'''Bobby''': ''[Takes out a gun and a bullet]''
:'''Dean''': What is that?
:'''Bobby''': That's the round I mean to put through my skull. Every morning, I look at it. I think, &quot;Maybe today is the day I flip the lights out.&quot; But I don't do it. I ''never'' do it. You know why? Because I promised ''you'' I wouldn't give up!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Adam, you may not believe it, but Dad was trying to protect you by keeping you from this.
:'''[[w:List of Supernatural characters#Adam Milligan|Adam]]''': Well I guess the monster that ate me didn't get that memo.
:'''Sam''': You remember that?
:'''Adam''': Oh yeah.
:'''Sam''': Still trust me. The one thing worse than seeing dad once a year was seeing him all year.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': I'm tired, man. I'm tired of fighting who I'm supposed to be.
:'''Sam''': Well, do you think maybe you could take a half second and stop trying to sacrifice yourself for a change? Maybe we could actually stick together? 
:'''Dean''': I don't think so.
:'''Sam''': Why not? Dean, seriously tell me. I-I want to know. 
:'''Dean''': I just... I don't believe.
:'''Sam''': In what?
:'''Dean''': In you. I don't-I don't know if it's going to be demon blood or some other demon chick, or what, but I do know they're gonna find a way to turn you. 
:'''Sam''': So you're saying I'm not strong enough.
:'''Dean''': You're angry. You're self-righteous. Lucifer's gonna wear you to the prom, man, it's just a matter of time. 
:'''Sam''': Don't say that to me. Not you, of all people.
:'''Dean''': I don't want to, but it's the truth and when Satan takes you over, there's gotta be somebody there to fight him. And it ain't gonna be that kid. So, it's gotta be me. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': ''[to Sam]'' I don't know if it's being a big brother or what, but to me, you've always been this snot-nosed kid that I've had to keep on the straight and narrow. I think we both know that's not you anymore. I mean, hell, if you're grown up enough to find faith in me, the least I can do is return the favor. So screw destiny right in the face. I say we take the fight to them and do it our way.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 5)#ep101|Hammer Of The Gods]]'' [5.19]==
:'''Kali''': Westerners, I swear, the sheer arrogance. You think you're the only ones on earth? You pillage and you butcher in your God's name, but you're not the only religion, and He's not the only God. And now you think you can just rip the planet apart? You're wrong. There are billions of us, and we were here first. If anyone gets to end this world, it's me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:List of angels in Supernatural#Lucifer|Lucifer]]''': You know, I never understood you pagans. You're such petty little things. Always fighting, always happy to sell out your own kind. No wonder you forfeited this planet to us. ''You'' are worse than humans. You're worse than demons. And yet you claim to be gods. ''[snaps Mercury's neck and smirks]'' And they call me prideful.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:List of angels in Supernatural#Gabriel|Gabriel]]''': Lucifer, you're my brother, and I love you. But you are a great big bag of dicks. 
:'''Lucifer''': What did you just say to me?
:'''Gabriel''': Look at yourself... Boo hoo, Daddy was mean to me, so I'm gonna smash up all his toys.
:'''Lucifer''': Watch your tone.
:'''Gabriel''': Play the victim all you want, but you and me, we know the truth. Dad loved you best, more than Michael, more than me. Then he brought the new baby home and you couldn't handle it. So all this is just a great big temper tantrum. Time to grow up.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lucifer''': ''[To Gabriel]'' You disloyal-
:'''Gabriel''': Oh I'm loyal. To them.
:'''Lucifer''': Who? These, so called gods?
:'''Gabriel''': To people, Lucifer. People.
:'''Lucifer''': So you're willing to die, for a pile of cockroaches, why?
:'''Gabriel''': Because Dad was right. They are better than us.
:'''Lucifer''': They are broken! Flawed! Abortions!
:'''Gabriel''': Damn right they're flawed... But a lot of 'em try. To do better, to forgive. And you should see the Spearman Rhino. I've been riding the pine a long time, but I'm in the game now. And I'm not on your side, or Michael's. I'm on theirs.
:'''Lucifer''': ''[whispers]'' Brother, don't make me do this.
:'''Gabriel''': No one makes us do anything.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gabriel''': ''[to Sam and Dean]'' Without me, you got zero shot at killing Lucifer. Sorry. But... you can trap him. The cage you sprung Lucifer from, it's still down there, and maybe, just maybe, you can shove his ass back in. Not that it'll be easy. You got to get the cage open, trick my bro back into it, and, uh, oh yeah, avoid Michael and the God Squad. But hey - details, right? And here's the big secret, Lucifer himself doesn't even know. But the key to the cage, it's out there. Actually it's keys, plural, four keys. Well, four rings... from the Horsemen. You get 'em all, you got the cage.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 5)#ep102|The Devil You Know]]'' [5.20]==
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': You want to talk? After what you did to us?
:'''[[w:Crowley (Supernatural)|Crowley]]''': After what... what ''I'' did to you? I gave you the Colt!
:'''Sam''': Yeah, and you knew it wouldn't work against the Devil!
:'''Crowley''': I never!
:'''Sam''': You set us up. We lost people on that suicide run, good people!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''': Please, I've sold sin to saints for centuries. You think I can't close one little demon?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Brady''': See, War and Famine, even if I could cram the rings back on their bony fingers, I doubt it would do much good. They're withered husks right now, fetal position on the floor, all thanks to you. So I don't want the rings. What I want is retribution. And I'm going to rip it right out of your ass!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Brady''': What did you do?
:'''Crowley''': Went over to a demon's nest, had a little massacre. Must be losing my touch, though. Let one of the little toads live. Oops! Also might have given said toad the impression that you left your post last night because you and I are... wait for it... Lovers in League Against Satan. Hello darling. So now death is off the table. Now you get to be on the boss's eternal torment list with little old me. 
:'''Brady''': Oh no, no, no, no. No!
:'''Crowley''': Something else we have in common, apart from our torrid passion, of course: craven self-preservation.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Brady''': What is this?
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': All those angels, all those demons, all those sons of bitches...they just don't get it, do they, Sammy?
:'''Sam''': No, they don't, Dean.
:'''Dean''': You see, Brady, we're the ones you should be afraid of.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 5)#ep103|Two Minutes To Midnight]]'' [5.21]==
:'''[[w:Castiel (Supernatural)|Castiel]]''': ''[To Dean]'' You are not the burnt and broken shell of a man that I believed you to be.
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Thank you... ''[says with a tiny bit of sarcasm]'': I appreciate that.. 
:'''Castiel''': You're welcome.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': So please tell us you have actual good news.
:'''[[w:Bobby Singer|Bobby]]''': Chicago is about to be wiped off the map. Storm of the millennium. Sets off a daisy chain of natural disasters. Three million people are gonna die.
:'''Castiel''': I don't understand your definition of good news.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby''': The world's gonna end. Seems stupid to get all precious over one little soul.
:'''Dean''': You sold your soul?
:'''[[w:Crowley (Supernatural)|Crowley]]''': More like pawned it. I fully intend to give it back.
:'''Dean''': Well then give it back!
:'''Crowley''': I will.
:'''Dean''': Now!
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Did you kiss him?
:'''Dean''': Sam!
:'''Sam''': Just wondering.
:'''Bobby''': ''[awkward silence]'' No! 
:'''Crowley''': ''[coughs, shows photo of him and Bobby kissing on his iPhone]'' 
:'''Bobby''': Why'd you take a picture?!?
:'''Crowley''': Why'd you have to use tongue?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': So Pestilence was spreading swine flu.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, but not just for giggles. That was step one. Step two is the vaccine. And you think...?
:'''Crowley''': I know. I'll stake my reputation that vaccine is chock full of Grade A, farm-fresh, Croatoan virus.
:'''Sam''': Simultaneous countrywide distribution. That's quite a plan.
:'''Crowley''': You don't get to be Horsemen for nothing. So you boys better stock up on... well, everything. This time next Thursday, we'll all be living in Zombieland.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:List of Supernatural characters#Death|Death]]''': This is one little planet in one tiny solar system in a galaxy that's barely out of its diapers. I'm old, Dean. Very old. So I invite you to contemplate how insignificant I find you.

==''[[w:Swan Song (Supernatural)|Swan Song]]'' [5.22]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': I'm on board.
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': You're gonna let me say yes?
:'''Dean''': No, that's the thing. It's not on me to let you do anything. You're a grown--well, overgrown--man. If this is what you want, I'll back your play.
:'''Sam''': That's the last thing I thought you'd ever say.
:'''Dean''': Might be.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Take care of these guys, okay?
:'''[[w:Castiel (Supernatural)|Castiel]]''': That's not possible.
:'''Sam''': [sighs]'' Then humor me.
:'''Castiel''': Oh. I was supposed to lie. ''[Chuckles]'' Uh...sure. They'll be fine...
:'''Sam''': Just--just stop... talking.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lucifer''': Sam. Come on. I can feel you. Scratching away in there...
: ''[He walks towards a mirror.]''
:'''Lucifer''': Look. I'm gonna take the gag off, okay? You got me all wrong, kiddo. I'm not the bad guy here.
:'''Sam''': I'm gonna rip you apart from the inside out. Do you understand me?!
:'''Lucifer''': Such anger... Young [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Star_Wars Skywalker]. Who are you really angry with? Me? Or that face in the mirror?
:'''Sam''': I'm sure this is all a big joke to you, huh?
:'''Lucifer''': Not at all. I've been waiting for you. For a long, long time. Come on, Sam. You have to admit, you can feel it, right?
:'''Sam''': What?
:'''Lucifer''': The exhilaration. And you know why that is? Because we're two halves made whole. MFEO. Literally.
:'''Sam''': It feels pretty damn far from good.
:'''Lucifer''': I'm inside your grapefruit, Sam. You can't lie to me. I see it all. How hot you always felt. How... out of place in that family of yours. And why shouldn't you have? They were foster care, at best. ''I'm'' your real family.
:'''Sam''': No, that's not true.
:'''Lucifer''': It is. And I know you know it. All those times you ran away, you weren't running away from them. You were running towards me. This doesn't have to be a bad thing, you know. I let Dean live, didn't I? I wanted him to live. I'll bring your folks back, too. I want you to be happy, Sam.
:'''Sam''': I don't want ''anything'' from you!
:'''Lucifer''': Really? Not even a little payback?
:'''Sam''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Lucifer''': Look closely. None of these little devils look familiar to you?
:'''Sam''': That's Mr. Bensmith... One of my grade school teachers...
:'''Lucifer''': And that's your friend, Doug, from that time in East Lancing. And Rachel. Your prom date. Sam Winchester, this is your life. Azazel's game. Watching you since you were a [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rugrats Rugrat]. Jerking you around, like a dog on a leash. I know how you feel about that. Me, too. So what do you say you and I blow off a little steam?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:List of Supernatural characters#Chuck Shurley / God|Chuck]]''': In between jobs, Sam and Dean would sometimes get a day--sometimes a week, if they were lucky. They'd pass the time lining their pockets. Sam used to insist on honest work, but now he hustles pool, like his brother. They could go anywhere and do anything. They drove a thousand miles for an Ozzy show. Two days for a Jayhawks game. And when it was clear, they'd park her in the middle of nowhere, sit on the hood, and watch the stars... for hours... without saying a word. It never occurred to them that, sure, maybe they never really had a roof and four walls but they were never, in fact, homeless.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Chuck''': Endings are hard. Any chapped-ass monkey with a keyboard can poop out a beginning, but endings are impossible. You try to tie up every loose end, but you never can. The fans are always gonna bitch. There's always gonna be holes. And since it's the ending, it's all supposed to add up to something. I'm telling you, they're a raging pain in the ass.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam as Lucifer''': It's good to see you, Michael.
:'''Adam as Michael''': You, too. It's been too long.
:'''Lucifer''': Can you believe it's finally here?
:'''Michael''': No. Not really. Are you ready?
:'''Lucifer''': As I'll ever be. Part of me wishes we didn't have to do this.
:'''Michael''': Yeah. Me, too.
:'''Lucifer''': Then why are we?
:'''Michael''': Oh, you know why. I have no choice, after what you did.
:'''Lucifer''': What I did? What if it's not my fault?
:'''Michael''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Lucifer''': Think about it. Dad made everything, which means he made me who I am. God wanted the Devil!
:'''Michael''': So?
:'''Lucifer''': So, why? And why make us fight? I just can't figure out the point...
:'''Michael''': What's ''your'' point?
:'''Lucifer''': We're going to kill each other. And for what? One of Dad's tests? We don't even know the answer. We're brothers. Let's just walk off the chess board...
:'''Michael''': I'm sorry, I- I can't do that. I'm a good son, and I have my orders.
:'''Lucifer''': But you don't have to follow them.
:'''Michael''': What, you think I'm gonna rebel? Now? I'm not like you!
:'''Lucifer''': Please, Michael
:'''Michael''': You know, you haven't changed a bit, little brother. Always blaming everybody but yourself! We were together. We were happy, but you betrayed me, all of us, and you made our Father leave!
:'''Lucifer''': No one makes Dad do anything! He's doing this ''to us''!
:'''Michael''': You're a monster, Lucifer. And I'm going to kill you.
:'''Lucifer''': If that's the way it's gotta be... Then I'd like to see you try.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Chuck''': So what's it all add up to? It's hard to say. But me, I'd say this was a test... for Sam and Dean. And I think they did all right. Up against good, evil, angels, devils, destiny, and God Himself, they made their own choice. They chose family. And, well... isn't that kinda the whole point? No doubt--endings are hard. But then again... nothing ever really ends, does it? ''[Smiles to himself before disappearing into thin air]''

==Cast==
*[[w:Jared Padalecki|Jared Padalecki]] - [[w:Sam Winchester|Sam Winchester]] 
*[[w:Jensen Ackles|Jensen Ackles]] - [[w:Dean Winchester|Dean Winchester]]
*[[w:Misha Collins|Misha Collins]] - [[w:Castiel_(Supernatural)|Castiel]]
*[[w:Mark A. Sheppard|Mark A. Sheppard]] - [[w:Crowley|Crowley]]
*[[w:Jim Beaver|Jim Beaver]] - [[w:Bobby Singer|Bobby Singer]]
*[[w:Matt Cohen (actor)|Matt Cohen]] - [[w:John Winchester|John Winchester]]
*[[w:Samantha Smith (actress)|Samantha Smith]], [[w:Amy Gumenick|Amy Gumenick]] - [[w:Mary Winchester|Mary Winchester]]
*[[w:Samantha Ferris|Samantha Ferris]] - [[w:Ellen Harvelle|Ellen Harvelle]]
*[[w:Alona Tal|Alona Tal]] - [[w:Jo Harvelle|Jo Harvelle]]
*[[w:Chad Lindberg|Chad Lindberg]] - [[w:Ash (Supernatural)|Ash]]
*[[w:Genevieve Cortese|Genevieve Cortese]] - [[w:Ruby (Supernatural)|Ruby]]
*[[w:Nicki Aycox|Nicki Aycox]], [[w:Rachel Miner|Rachel Miner]] - [[w:Meg Masters|Meg]]
*[[w:Adrianne Palicki|Adrianne Palicki]], [[w:Bellamy Young|Bellamy Young]], [[w:Mark Pellegrino|Mark Pellegrino]], [[w:Jared Padalecki|Jared Padalecki]] - [[w:Lucifer (Supernatural)|Lucifer]]
*[[w:Richard Speight, Jr.|Richard Speight, Jr.]] - [[w:Gabriel (Supernatural)|Gabriel/The Trickster]]
*[[w:Rob Benedict|Rob Benedict]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Chuck Shurley|Chuck Shurley]]
*[[w:Kurt Fuller|Kurt Fuller]] - [[w:Zachariah (Supernatural)|Zachariah]]
*[[w:Jake Abel|Jake Abel]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Adam Milligan|Adam Milligan]] and [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Michael|Michael]]
*[[w:Matt Frewer|Matt Frewer]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Pestilence|Pestilence]]
*[[w:Rachel Miner|Rachel Miner]] - [[w:Meg Masters|Meg Masters]]
*[[w:Emily Perkins|Emily Perkins]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Becky Rosen|Becky Rosen]]
*[[w:Cindy Sampson|Cindy Sampson]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Lisa Breaden|Lisa Braeden]]
*[[w:A. J. Buckley|A. J. Buckley]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Ed Zeddmore and Harry Spangler|Ed Zeddmore]]
*[[w:Traci Dinwiddie|Traci Dinwiddie]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Pamela Barnes|Pamela Barnes]]
*[[w:Jon Gries|Jon Gries]] - Martin Creaser
*[[w:Julian Richings|Julian Richings]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Death|Death]]
*[[w:Travis Wester|Travis Wester]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Ed Zeddmore and Harry Spangler|Harry Spangler]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{imdb title|0460681|Supernatural}}
*[http://www.supernaturalwiki.com Supernatural Wiki]
*[http://www.supernaturaltv.info Watch Supernatural]

{{center|'''Season'''&amp;nbsp; [[Supernatural (season 1)|1]] • [[Supernatural (season 2)|2]] • [[Supernatural (season 3)|3]] • [[Supernatural (season 4)|4]] • [[Supernatural (season 5)|5]] • [[Supernatural (season 6)|6]] • [[Supernatural (season 7)|7]] • [[Supernatural (season 8)|8]] • [[Supernatural (season 9)|9]] • [[Supernatural (season 10)|10]] • [[Supernatural (American TV series)|Main]]}}

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'''''[[Supernatural (American TV series)|Supernatural]]''''' (2005–2020) is a paranormal/horror/thriller/drama-themed television series on the WB Television Network (now merged with UPN into the new network The CW) that details the lives of two brothers who travel across the country in a black 1967 Chevy Impala investigating paranormal events and other unexplained occurrences.&amp;nbsp;  '''[[w:Supernatural (season 7)|Season seven]]''' originally aired from 23 September 2011 to 18 May 2012.

{{center|'''Season'''&amp;nbsp; [[Supernatural (season 1)|1]] • [[Supernatural (season 2)|2]] • [[Supernatural (season 3)|3]] • [[Supernatural (season 4)|4]] • [[Supernatural (season 5)|5]] • [[Supernatural (season 6)|6]] • [[Supernatural (season 7)|7]] • [[Supernatural (season 8)|8]] • [[Supernatural (season 9)|9]] • [[Supernatural (season 10)|10]] • [[Supernatural (American TV series)|Main]]}}

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 7)#ep127|Meet The New Boss]]'' [7.01]==
:'''Dean''': So what, then? Kill us?
:'''Castiel''': What a brave little ant you are.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': Once you were my favorite pets before you turned and bit me.

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:'''Castiel''': You're wrong. I am utterly indifferent to sexual orientation. On the other hand, I cannot abide hypocrites like you, Reverend. Tell your flock where your genitals have been before you speak for me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': What new boss?
:'''Crowley''': Castiel, you giraffe.
:'''Bobby''': Is your boss?
:'''Crowley''': He's everybody's boss! What do you think he's going to do when he finds out we've been conspiring? You do... want to conspire, don't you?
:'''Bobby''': No, we want you to just stand there and look pretty.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Excuse me, do you have any Grey Poupon?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Death''': Annoying little Protozoa, aren't they?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Death''': ''(to Cass)'' Stupid little soldier you are.

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:'''Death''': Please, Cass. I know God, and you, sir, are not God.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Um..
:'''Death''': Shut up Dean. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Yeah, you know how I'm gonna deal? I'm gonna stuff my piehole, I'm gonna drink, and I'm gonna watch some Asian cartoon porn and act like the world's about to explode because it is.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''' Hallucifer ''': Hi, Sam. Long time, no spooning.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 7)#ep128|Hello, Cruel World]]'' [7.02]==
:'''Dean''': That’s 12 hours straight. I’m calling that rested. Here - hydrate and, um, protein-ate.
:'''Sam''': Breakfast in bed.
:'''Dean''': Don’t get used to it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Well now wait, I got it. Why would the Devil holodeck you a whole new life when he could just kick your ass all over the Cage? 
:'''Sam''':  ‘Cause, as he puts it... 
:'''Sam and Hallucifer Together''': You can’t torture someone who has nothing left for you to take away. 
:''' Hallucifer ''': Very good, Sam. 
:''' Dean ''': Okay, fine. But this Malibu dream mansion that he, he, he makes for you to take away is this post-apocalyptic mess? 
:''' Hallucifer ''': It had to be a mess, Sam, or you wouldn’t believe it was your life. 
:''' Dean ''': Wait. Are you seeing him right now? 
:''[Sam nods.]''
:''' Dean ''': You know that he’s not real. Right? 
:'''Sam''': He says the same thing about you. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Course. You just lost one of the best friends you ever had, your brother's in the bell jar, and purgatory's most wanted are surfing the sewer lines, but you know, yeah, I get it. You're fine.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mrs Hackett''': Did you know a study showed that 3/4 of doctors cheat on their exams? He might not know your appendix from your vagina.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': If you think I'm leaving you here alone...
:'''Bobby''': Hey, what am I, chopped brains on toast?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Either Sheriff Mills is having an ObamaCare insured opium dream, or something's eating folks down at Sioux Falls General Hospital.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Edgar''': Why can't they scream?
:'''Dr Gaines''': Oh, I severed their vocal chords, of course. It was a delicate procedure, but very doable.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sheriff Jodie Mills''': Bobby Singer - my hero!
:'''Bobby''': That's the roofies talking

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': I am your flesh-and-blood brother, okay? I'm the only one who can legitimately kick your ass in real time. You got away. We got you out, Sammy. Believe in that. Believe me, okay? You gotta believe me. You've gotta make it stone number one and build on it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': You cannot be in that crater back there. I can't… If you're gone, I swear I am gonna strap my [[w:A Beautiful Mind|Beautiful Mind]] brother into the car and I'm gonna drive us off the pier.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 7)#ep129|The Girl Next Door]]'' [7.03]==
:'''Dean''': Where's the pie? 
:'''Sam''': You got cake. That's close enough, right? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Young Amy''': All the coolest people are freaks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Young Sam''': We're always on the road...I've seen the world's biggest Ball of Twine twice.
:'''Young Amy''': Three times! Not that big.
:'''Young Sam''': Right?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Young Sam''': That's my dad and brother in the Impala. You're a monster.
:'''Young Amy''': You're a hunter. So you're supposed to kill me? And I'm supposed to kill you?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': ''(after punching Sam for taking the Impala)'' New rule, you steal my baby, you get punched! What the hell were you thinking Sam! Running off like that! For all I know Satan could've been callin' your plays.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Look I see the way you look at me Dean - like I'm a grenade and you're waiting for me to go off.
:'''Dean''': Sam...
:'''Sam''': I'm not going off. Look I might be a freak but that's not the same as dangerous.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Leviathan''': Plain old people taste fine, but everything is better with cheese.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 7)#ep130|Defending Your Life]]'' [7.04]==
:'''Sam''': ''(about the EMF meter)'' It's going crazy. Some kind of ghost maybe?
:'''Dean''': With a license? A license to kill!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Objection!
:'''Osiris''': Grounds? 
:'''Sam''': Witnesses being called without prior notice.
:'''Dean''': Good one!
:'''Sam''': I saw it on [[w:The Good Wife|The Good Wife]]

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Wait a second, do dogs even have ghosts?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Osiris''': Don’t you think that your brother dragged you back into that catastrophic mess because he’d rather damn you with him than be alone?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jo''': He was right about one thing, you know.
:'''Dean''': What, your massive crush on me?
:'''Jo''': ''(smiling)'' Shut up. You carry all kinds of crap you don't have to Dean. Kind of gets clearer when you're dead.
:'''Dean''': Well in that case you should able to see I am 90% crap. I get rid of that, what then?
:'''Jo''': You really want to die not knowing?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jo''': You know, I'd never do this.
:'''Dean''': I know.
:'''Jo''': I guess it's his thing. Some kind of twisted eye for an eye.
:'''Dean''': Its okay.
:'''Jo''': No, it's not. You deserved better.
:'''Dean''': No, you did. You deserved better Jo.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jo''': Dean, my life was good. Really.
:'''Dean''': He was right you know, that dick judge - about me. 
:'''Jo''': No, he wasn't.
:'''Dean''': You were a kid.
:'''Jo''': Not true.
:'''Dean''': You and Sam. And I just, you know... Hunters are never kids. I never was. I didn't stop to think about it.
:'''Jo''': It's not your fault. It wasn't on you.
:'''Dean''': No, but I didn't want to do it alone. Who does? The right thing would have been to send your ass back home to your mom.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 7)#ep131|Shut Up, Dr. Phil]]'' [7.05]==
:'''Dean''': You might see things different now, call it a runner’s high or something. But that doesn't mean something is going on with me. Okay?
:'''Sam''': Yeah, okay.
:'''Dean''': No, don’t say 'yeah, okay', like ''[mocks him]'' 'Yeah, okay'.
:'''Sam''': Yeah, okay.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Didn't realize you were such a spa expert.
:'''Dean''': Shut up. I observe with my eyes.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': ''[to Sam]'' Why don't you just run home, Lance?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': It's kind of like Bewitched. Don's Darrin, doesn't even know it, lots of laughs until you cheat on your wife
:'''Sam''': A Bewitched reference. Really?
:'''Dean''': Hey, Nicole Kidman was in the remake. Redhead, hello!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': That means we've got not just one pissed off witch, but two. It's full on War of the Roses.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Don Stark''': Does 1492 ring any bells?
:'''Maggie Stark''': The man was about to set sail! He could possibly fall of the edge of the Earth! I took pity. So?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Don''': I told you! Nothing happened with the Medici chick!

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 7)#ep132|Slash Fiction]]'' [7.06]==
:'''Frank Devereaux''': Well I'll be darned. Psycho Butch and Sundance.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Uh, Bobby Singer sent us.
:'''Frank''': ''[growls, stands up and cocks gun]''
:'''Dean''': Or not! Who?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': [[w:Dirty Dancing|Nobody puts baby in a corner!]]
:'''Sam''': You know that's a line from...
:'''Dean''': Swayze movie! Swayze always gets a pass!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Leviathan Dean''': ''(talking about a burger)'' You know, he has one of these every day? And in his heart, he thinks they're almost as good as sex. This? ''(gesturing with the burger)'' Is disgusting.
:'''Leviathan Sam''': ''(pushing away his own plate)'' Dead plants with creamy goo. It's like eating self-righteousness. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Leviathan Sam''': You know I had a brother with this many issues once. 
:'''Leviathan Dean''': Yeah?
:'''Leviathan Sam''': You know what I did?
:'''Leviathan Dean''': Mmm?
:'''Leviathan Sam''': I ate him.
:'''Leviathan Dean''': Of course you did.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Leviathan Sam''': Idea: you want to trade? I mean, I'll take &quot;Chuckles&quot; over &quot;Schizo&quot;.
:'''Leviathan Dean''': No, I like this one's hair better. You can stay in the big one.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 7)#ep133|The Mentalists]]'' [7.07]==
:'''Waiter''': You're a virile manifestation of the divine. ''[Walks away]''
:'''Dean''': ''[to Sam]'' The hell did he say to me?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Dean...
:'''Dean''': Oh! He speaks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Woman''': You're the brothers from the --
:'''Sam''': Oh, no, no, no, no. The Winchester guys on the news a couple weeks back? No -- we get that a lot.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, no. Those depraved killers got put down like the dogs that they were. Us on the other hand, we're completely harmless.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': He broke my spoon.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': I mean, how many crystal balls do you figure there are in Lily Dale?
:'''Dean''': Somewhere between 50 and, uh, all of them.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Yeah. See, there's, uh, fake whoo-whoo crap, and there's real whoo-whoo crap.
:'''Melanie''': Well, yeah, but... ghosts?
:'''Dean''': Oh, trust me. There's a lot weirder out there than that.
:'''Melanie''': So &quot;The X-files&quot; is real, or you just stopped talking like an FBI agent.
:'''Sam''': Well, um... we're not FBI agents.
:'''Melanie''': I need a drink.
:'''Dean''': I support that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Museum Curator''': I'm sorry I don't normally do this during business hours, but do you know an Eleanor or an Ellen? She seems quite concerned about you. She wants to tell you, pardon me, if you don't tell someone how bad it really is? She'll kick your ass from beyond. You have to trust someone again, eventually

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Says who? Look, I'll work this damn case, but you lied to me, and you killed my friend.
:'''Dean''': No, I put down a monster who killed four people, and if you didn't know her, you'd have done the same thing.
:'''Sam''': I did know her, Dean.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, which is why you couldn't do it. Look, I get it. There are certain people in this world, no matter how dangerous they are, you just can't.
:'''Sam''': Don't pull that card! That's bull. Look, if I've learned one thing, it's that if something feels wrong, it probably is!
:'''Dean''': Usually, yeah. But killing Amy was not wrong. You couldn't do it, so I did. That's what family does -- the dirty work. And I woulda told you, eventually, once I knew that this whole &quot;waving a gun at Satan&quot; thing was a one-time show. I think it's reasonable to want to know that you're off the friggin' high dive, Sam. You almost got us both killed, so you can be pissed all you want, but quit being a bitch.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': You were right. About Amy. If she was... just any monster, I'm not sure I could have let her walk away. I don't know. I mean, I'll never know.
:'''Dean''': So, what are you saying?
:'''Sam''': What I'm saying is... I get why you did it. You were just trying to make sure no one else got hurt. But here's the thing. You can't just look me in the face and tell me you're fine. I mean, you're not sleeping, you drink for the record --
:'''Dean''': Oh, here we go.
:'''Sam''': Look, whatever. Last one to preach, I know. But... Just be honest with me. How are those the actions of someone who knows they did the right thing?
:'''Dean''': You want me to be honest?
:'''Sam''': Yeah.
:'''Dean''': I went with my gut. And that felt right. I didn't trust her, Sam. Of course, ever since Cas, I'm having a hard time trusting anybody. And as far as how I been acting... I don't know. Maybe it's 'cause I don't like lying to you. You know, it doesn't feel right. So, yeah, you got me there. I been climbing the walls.
:'''Sam''': I know how that is.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 7)#ep134|Season Seven, Time for a Wedding!]]'' [7.08]==
:'''Sam''': All right, um... So, a little sudden. But life is short, so I'll keep this shorter. I'm in love. And I'm getting married... Say something, like, uh, like, &quot;congratulations,&quot; for example.
:'''Dean''': What?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': It’s a waffle iron. Nonstick. You just... I actually don’t know how to use it. We good?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Garth''': He said you’d be all surly and premenstrual working with me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Garth''': Uh, here's the plan. I drop this lady at my cousin's. He'll stop anything trying to get her. We, uh, find Sam, hopefully fix this, everybody's home in time for &quot;America's Got Talent.&quot; Now, you -- you'll be living with a tri-racial paraplegic sniper until this all blows over, okay?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''': I have one rule: make a deal, keep it.
:'''Guy''': Well technically, I didn't... 
:'''Crowley''': There's a reason we don't call our chips in early: consumer confidence. This isn't Wall Street, this is Hell! We have a little something called integrity. If this gets out, who'll deal with us? Nobody! Then, where are we? 
:'''Guy''': I don't know. 
:'''Crowley''': That's right, you don't, because you're a stupid, short-sighted little prat. Now, hand the jackass over, I'll cancel every deal he's made.
:'''Dean''': What are you going to do with him?
:'''Crowley''': Make an example of him.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 7)#ep135|How to Win Friends And Influence Monsters]]'' [7.09]==
:'''Dean''': That's just great. This is stupid. Our quality of life is crap. We got Purgatory's least wanted everywhere, and we're on our third &quot;The World's Screwed&quot; issue in, what, three years? We've steered the bus away from the cliff twice already.
:'''Sam''': Someone's got to do it.
:'''Dean''': What if the bus wants to go over the cliff?
:'''Sam''': You think the world wants to end?
:'''Dean''': I think that if we didn't take its belt and all its pens away each year that, yeah, the whole enchilada woulda offed itself already.
:'''Bobby''': Stop trying to wrestle with the big picture, son. You're gonna hurt your head.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Brandon''': Sidewinder soup and salad combo goes to Big Bird. TDK Slammer to Ken Doll. And a little Heart Smart for Creepy Uncle.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': [talking through a mouthful] Oh, that is good sandwich.
:'''Bobby''': What the hell did you get?
:'''Dean''': New Pepperjack Turducken' Slammer -- limited time only.
:'''Bobby''': Bunch of birds shoved up inside each other. Shouldn't play God like that.
:'''Dean''': Hey, don't look at me sideways from that -- that Chinese chicken geezer salad there, okay? This is awesome. Like the perfect storm of your top-three edible birds.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby''': You don't shoot Bambi, jackass. You shoot Bambi's mother.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': This is stupid. My sandwich didn't do anything. I don't know what you think you're gonna find.
:''[Sam unwraps the sandwich.]''
:'''Bobby''': There's something wrong with you, Dean.
:'''Dean''': Are you kidding? I'm fine! I -- I actually feel great. The best I've felt in a couple months. Cas? Black goo? I don't even care anymore. And you know what's even better? I don't care that I don't care. I just want my damn slammer back.
:'''Sam''': Dude, you are completely stoned, just like Ranger Rick was.
:'''Bobby''': Just like the dinner rush back at Biggerson's. And everybody's loving the Turducken'.
:''[Gray goo bubbles out from the sandwich.]''
:'''Dean''': I think you pissed off my sandwich.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Okay, so whatever turned Gerry Browder into a Pumpkinhead...and is currently turning Dean into an idiot.
:'''Dean''': I'm right here, right here

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': So you think Dean's okay?
:'''Bobby''': Yeah, he's alright
:'''Sam''': Good. So... you don't worry about him?
:'''Bobby''': You mean before the turducken'?
:'''Sam''': Yeah. I kinda mean, well, like ever since my head broke, and we lost Cas. You ever feel like he's going through the same motions but he's not the same Dean, ya know?
:'''Bobby''': How could he be?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby''': You know, you worry about him. All he does is worry about you. Who's left to live their own life here? The two of you -- aren't you full up just playing Snuffleupagus with the Devil all the live long?
:'''Sam''': I don't know, Bobby. Seeing Lucifer's fine with me.
:'''Bobby''': Come again?
:'''Sam''': Look, I'm not saying it's fun. I mean, to be honest with you, I-I kind of see it as the best-case scenario. I mean...at least all my crazy's under one umbrella, you know? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Remember when Crowley kept going on about hating Dick? *brief pause* well, I thought he was just being general.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dick Roman''': [After being sprayed with Borax] Sam... That is not how we communicate from a place of yes. That was bracing. Where'd you kids find this stuff?

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 7)#ep136|Death's Door]]'' [7.10]==
:'''Karen''': You were expecting Farrah Fawcett?
:'''Bobby''': No, she always calls first.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': We're coming for you, and not just to hurt you – to kill you. You understand me?
:'''Dick Roman''': Come on, Dean. I can't be killed.
:'''Dean''': You're gonna wish you could, then.
:'''Dick Roman''': [laughs] That's some conviction. You'd really crush it on the motivational circuit.
:'''Dean''': You're either laughing because you're scared or you're laughing because you're stupid. I'll see you soon, Dick.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Reaper''': Bobby... you've helped. You got handed a small, unremarkable life, and you did something with it. Most men like you die of liver disease, watching Barney Miller reruns. You've done enough. Believe me.
:'''Bobby''': I don't care.
:'''Reaper''': Why?
:'''Bobby''': Because they're my boys.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby's Mom''': Why do you always provoke him?
:'''Bobby's Dad''': Because he's a bad kid, that's why.
:'''Bobby''': Well, that's a load of crap! Who the hell were you to say?
:'''Bobby's Dad''': I'm your father, and you show your father respect.
:'''Bobby''': The day he deserves it, you drunken bully! Punching women and kids, is that what they called &quot;fatherhood&quot; in your day?!
:'''Bobby's Dad''': You deserved it, believe me, you were nothing but ungrateful.
:'''Bobby''': I was a kid! Kids ain't supposed to be grateful! They're supposed to eat your food and break your heart, you selfish dick! You died, and I was still so afraid I'd turn into you, I never even had kids of my own!
:'''Bobby's Dad''': Good. You break everything you touch.
:'''Bobby''': ... uh-huh; well, as fate would have it, I adopted two boys and they grew up great. They grew up ''heroes''! So you can go to ''hell''!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Wait, wait, wait, wait, stop. His eyes are open.
:'''Dean''': Bobby?
:'''Sam''': Hey.
:''[Bobby removes the respirator covering his mouth and nose.]''
:'''Dean''': What – don't talk. Don't talk. A pen – I –
:''[Dean grabs the pen and chart at the end of the bed.]''
:'''Dean''': Here. Here, here, here. What is it?
:''[Bobby writes “45489” on Sam's hand before smiling slightly]''
:'''Bobby''': Idjits. ''[he dies]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Reaper''': This is your last chance to come with me, and move on. For your own good, Bobby, let go... they'll be okay without you.
:'''Bobby''': Last memory, huh? Glad I saved the best for last.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Alright scoot, jerkface, show your elders some respect.
:'''Sam''': You scoot, asshat. *tosses popcorn at Dean*
:'''Dean''': Did we get licorice?
:'''Sam''': No, we did not get licorice, we got ''good'' snacks. Licorice is disgusting.
:'''Dean''': I'm sorry, I-I didn't quite understand that, uh Mr. Peanut Butter-and-Banana-Sandwiches?
:'''Sam''': You know what, I stand by that sandwich! Nobody likes licorice, it-it's made of dirt!
:'''Dean''': It is a classic movie food! It's right up there with popcorn!
:'''Sam''': Popcorn, really?
:'''Dean''': Yes!
:'''Sam''': You're outta your mind!
:'''Dean''': What, it's like little chewy pieces of heaven!
:'''Sam''': Chewy pieces of heaven if you're a girl!
:'''Bobby''': [''watches as Dean and Sam fade away'']
:'''Reaper''': Well, Bobby? Stay or go, what's it gonna be?

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 7)#ep137|Adventures in Babysitting]]'' [7.11]==
:'''Frank''': Sure you're not a Leviathan. Dick Roman's not a Leviathan. Gwyneth Paltrow's not a Leviathan...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frank''': You think it's this easy to see inside what's real, and also be bi-polar with delusional ideation. There's no pill for my situation sweetie-pop, so yeah the big mouths are onto me. Next question!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frank''': Come and get your costume on. We can scoot.
:'''Dean''': ''[Whispers to himself]'' ..&quot;Costume&quot;... ''What''?..
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': What was she doing?
:'''Frank''': Being a naughty, bossy little girl.
:'''Dean''': I'd hate to ask for that in the non-porno version.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frank''': ''[to Dean]'' Patience, grasshopper.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': I don't think you're in a position to be giving suggestions, Alright? I think you're one tinfoil hat away from a rubber room.
:'''Frank''': Did I mention you look awful?
:'''Dean''': Yes. Maybe because someone I cared about just got shot in the head and this is like shoving a rock up a hill.. And...screw you.
:'''Frank''': Here's ''my'' advice you didn't ask for: quit.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': I'm not gonna quit. That's not even an option. I'm not gonna walk out on my brother.
:'''Frank''': Okay then, fine. Do what I did.
:'''Dean''': ''[scoffs]'' What? go native? Stock up on C-rations?
:'''Frank''': No, cupcake. What I did when I was 26 and came home to find my wife and two kids gutted on the floor. Decide to be fine til the end of the week. Make yourself smile because you're alive and that's your job. Then do it again the next week.
:'''Dean''': So, fake it? 
:'''Frank''': I call it being professional. Do it right, with a smile, or don't do it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': You could too, you know. Go to college. Be a hunter slash pediatrician.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lee''': Ever know anyone who left the life?
:'''Dean''': No - they all get killed first.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Krissy''': What century is this? No one fist bumps anymore.
:'''Dean''': C'mon. Give it up!
:'''Krissy''': You're a dweeb

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 7)#ep138|Time After Time]]'' [7.12]==
:'''Sam''': I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I hope you're watching cartoon smut, 'cause reading Dick Roman crap over and over again is just self punishment.
:'''Dean''': It's called anime. And it's an art form.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': How does paper beat a rock? It's stupid.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': What, you going to look at more anime or are you strictly into Dick now?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': What's the plan here?
:'''Dean''': Don't die.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Does this mean that I'm an Untouchable now?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eliot''': Why do you think I went after Capone in the first place? Guy made the best hooch in Chicago.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eliot''': Let's go kill that bastard. Because that...
:'''Dean''': ''(Imitating Sean Connery)'' Is the Chicago way. 
:'''Ezra''': Chicago way?
:'''Eliot''': Who the hell talks like that?
:'''Dean''': Sean Connery.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ezra''': So what bucket of syrup did you two idjits step into?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eliot''': Boo hoo, cry me a river, ya nancy! Tell me, are all hunters as soft as you in the future?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eliot''': So enjoy it while it lasts, kid, 'cause hunting's the only clarity you're gonna find in this life. And that makes you luckier than most.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Chronos''' You want to know your future? I know your future. It's covered in thick black ooze. It's everywhere... They're everywhere... Enjoy oblivion.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 7)#ep139|The Slice Girls]]'' [7.13]==
:'''Dean''': I'll admit, it could be in the general vicinity of the ballpark of our kind of thing.
:'''Sam''': Yeah, uh, &quot;didn't match anything human&quot; usually seals the deal for me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Anyway, I--I left the flask over here the other night.
:'''Lydia''': Yes, I found it. It was so beat up and old, I almost tossed it.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, well, the guy it belonged to was beat-up and old, too. But I was very close with him and I'd hate to lose it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': I know Bobby's got a Grecian encyclopedia of weird in here. I saw it last time I was looking through this stupid... Would it kill him to have a system?
:'''Sam''': He has a system. His files are set up like his brain.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Morrison''': Wherever did you get it?
:'''Sam''': Uh, uh, uh crazy drunk old genius.
:'''Morrison''': Yeah, they always have the good stuff.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Emma''': You're a good man. My mother told me that.
:'''Dean''': I seriously doubt she said that. And if you knew me you would seriously doubt it's true.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': You know what? Bobby was right. Your head's not in it, man. When Cass died you were wobbly, but now..
:'''Dean''': Now ''what?'' Oh, what, you're dealing with this so perfect? Yeah! News flash, pal. You're just as screwed up as I am! You're just...bigger.
:'''Sam''': ....What?!
:'''Dean''': I don't know...
:'''Sam''': Look.. Dean, the thing is, tonight it... It almost got you killed. Now, I don't care how you deal. I really, really don't. But just don't.. don't get killed.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 7)#ep140|Plucky Pennywhistle's Magical Menagerie]]'' [7.14]==
:'''Sam''': So, we got dick on Dick?
:'''Dean''': That's a vivid way of putting it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Hey, you spawn a monster baby and see how quick you want to dive back in the pool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': So what are we looking for? Octovamp? Vamptopus?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': If it bleeds, you can kill it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Shark week man. How do you not watch that? Whole week of sharks!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': You scared of robots?
:'''Tyler''': ''(points to his eyes)'' They have laser eyes! 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cliff''': If this is about the meth lab that fireballed up in Butte, it wasn't me. Okay, it was my brother, but, um, we got the same fingerprints.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Sam pulls up to where Dean is waiting and gets out of the car, soaking wet and covered with glitter.]''
:'''Sam''': ''[trying to be nonchalant]'' Hey. We ready? ''[off Dean's look, he sighs and spreads his arms]'' Okay, just say it.
:'''Dean''': ''[cracking up]'' I'm sorry, you look like you got attacked by some PCP-crazed strippers.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': ''[trying to contain his laughter]'' Sam, I'm sorry for psychologically scarring you.
:'''Sam''': Which time?
:'''Dean''': No, I mean it. Leaving you there on your own, that was a dick move.
:'''Sam''': You know what? I actually feel pretty good about it. Getting my ass kicked by those juggalos was therapeutic.
:'''Dean''': You faced your fears.
:'''Sam''': And now what more could a clown possibly do to me?

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 7)#ep141|Repo Man]]'' [7.15]==
:'''Hallucifer''': Pay attention to me, I'm bored!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean's Voicemail''': Leave your name, number and nightmare at the tone.
:'''Hallucifer''': Oh well, that's every cell phone Dean's got. One of them should have picked up, right. Big brother's probably dead.
:'''Sam''': Shut up.
:'''Hallucifer''': He said &quot;shut up&quot; to me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hallucifer''': That's what I'm talking about, Sam! Real interaction again, I miss that! The rapier wit - the wittier rape - come on, I'll be good, I'll even help you solve your little Nancy Drew mystery or whatever.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': A demon summoning; why?
:'''Hallucifer''': Why? To summon a demon, jackass.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[As Sam gets hit behind the head]''
:'''Hallucifer''': Ay caramba! Mi Cabeza!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jeffrey''': I was a wreck, an emotional shell, a drunk. I was suicidal.
:'''Dean''': I don't usually endorse suicide, but, man, what stopped you?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': He was a psychopath, Sam. That's what they do all the time is act. Act like they're normal. Act like they're not balls to the wall crazy.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hallucifer''': No, no, Sam. No nap for you, Sammy.
:''[Sam presses on his left palm.]''
:'''Hallucifer''': Oh, come on, don't do that. Let's talk, Sam. I always enjoyed our special little chats. Don't you want to talk?
:''[Sam presses harder on his left palm.]''
:'''Hallucifer''': Yeah, look at that. Something's definitely different now, isn't it? You let me in. You wanted me, partner. So you think you can use your little tricks to banish me again... [snaps finger]...like that? No. I do believe I've got you, bunk buddy. Got my finger wiggling around in your brainpan.
:''[Flames leap up on the bed around SAM. He flinches and twitches]''
:'''Hallucifer''': Come on, Sammy! Come on! Say it with me now. Goooooood morning, Vietnam!

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 7)#ep142|Out With the Old]]'' [7.16]==
:'''Dean''': What, are you going for, like, the Guinness record of caffeine consumption? That's like your fifth this morning.
:'''Sam''': Yeah, well, every time I close my eyes, Lucifer is yelling into my head. It's like I let him in once, now I can't get rid of him.
:'''Dean''': You know he's not actually...
:'''Sam''': Yeah. Yeah, no. I know. Uh, try telling that to the volume control inside my brain.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Dancers. They are toe shoes full of crazy.
:'''Sam''': And you would know this how?
:'''Dean''': I saw Black Swan. Twice. Hot tutu-on-tutu action. Come on, Sam, what's wrong with you?
:'''Sam''': Wow. The depths of your...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Could be a dead end, but I hear they have good coffee in Portland.
:'''Sam''': Dude, that's Seattle. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': ''(about the ballet shoes)'' Do they... look like they're... your size?
:'''Dean''': Shut up.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Wait, a-are you –
:'''Dean''': Getting the strong urge to Prince Siegfried myself into oblivion? Yes.
:'''Sam''': You really did see &quot;Black Swan.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': You okay there, Baryshnikov?! 
:'''Dean''': Yeah.. Yeah, I'm &quot;pas de done.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Hey, with enough curse mojo you can turn a freaking pencil into a weapon of mass destruction.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': You know, I wonder how old porn kills you.
:'''Sam''': Pretty sure you don't want to know.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Frank, hey, I don't mean to double-dip in your crazy sauce. No offense.
:'''Frank''': None taken, Fudge Pop.
:'''Dean''': Think you can crack it?
:'''Frank''': Can a dog play poker?
:'''Dean''': I don't...
:'''Frank''': The answer is &quot;yes.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''George''': How 'bout you make me a new one?
:'''Barista''': How 'bout you eat me?
:'''George''': Don't tempt me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': It doesn't matter what I do, Dean. Lucifer will not shut up.
:'''Dean''': Even now?
:'''Sam''':He's singing &quot;Stairway to Heaven&quot; right now.
:'''Dean''': Good song.
:'''Sam''': Not 50 times in a row.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 7)#ep143|The Born-Again Identity]]'' [7.17]==
:'''Hallucifer''': Tell the nice tweaker you’d be sleeping right now if the devil would leave you alone...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': How are you feeling?
:'''Sam''': ''(Chuckling)'' Maybe you should cancel my UFC fight.
:'''Hallucifer''': Yeah. Keep that sense of humor, Sam. It’ll get you through this.
:'''Dean''': Sam, I’m gonna find you help.
:'''Hallucifer''': ''(Scoffs lightly)'' Now, that sounded a little cynical.
:'''Sam''': I don’t think it’s out there, Dean.
:'''Dean''': We don’t know that.
:'''Sam''': We know better than most. It’s all [[snake oil]]. Last faith healer we hooked up with had a reaper on a leash.Remember?
:'''Dean''': ''(Sighs)'' Yeah…Sam, I remember.
:'''Sam''': I’m just saying…
:'''Dean''': What? That you don’t want my help?
:'''Sam''': No, I’m just saying ''(sighs)'' Don’t do this to yourself.
:'''Dean''': If I don't find something...
:'''Sam''': Then I'll die.
:'''Hallucifer''': Oh - you're upsetting me!
:'''Sam''': Dean, we knew this was coming.
:'''Dean''': No...
:'''Sam''': When you shoved my soul back in, Cas warned you about all the crap it would...
:'''Dean''': Screw Cas. Quit being Dalai-friggin-Yoda about this. Get pissed!
:'''Sam''': I'm too tired. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Marin''': I saw you yesterday, you didn't look too happy with your in flight meal.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Emmanuel/Castiel''': You’re angry.
:'''Dean''': Well, yeah. Dude broke my brother’s head.
:'''Emmanuel/Castiel''': He betrayed you, this dude. He was your friend?
:'''Dean''': Yeah, well, he’s gone.
:'''Emmanuel/Castiel''': Did you kill him?.. ''[Dean looks at him]'' I sense that you kill alot of people..

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': I just know that this... whole thing couldn't be messier. You know, I used to be able to just shake this stuff off. You know, whatever it was. It might take some time, but... I always could. What Cass did... I just can’t – I don’t know why.
:'''Emmanuel/Castiel''': Well, it doesn't matter why.
:'''Dean''': Of course it matters.
:'''Emmanuel/Castiel''': No. You’re not a machine, Dean.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Emmanuel/Castiel''': Your friend's name was Cass? That's an odd name.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': ''[to Marin; Lucifer blows through the salt circle]'' You're gonna have to do this on your own. It's okay. I'm okay. I'm just having a little...  
:'''Lucifer''': Brown acid moment.  
:'''Sam''': ...dizzy thing. It'll pass.  
:'''Lucifer''': Definitely. When your heart stops. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Meg''': You're an angel.
:'''Emmanuel/Castiel''': I'm sorry - is that a flirtation?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Meg''': He would know. You used to fight together. Bestest friends actually.
:'''Emmanuel/Castiel''': We were friends? Am I Cass? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': This ain't going to go well.
:'''Meg''': I dunno, I believe in the little tree topper.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': I remember you. I remember everything. What I did. What I became. Why didn't you tell me? 
:'''Dean''': Because Sam is dying in there. 
:'''Castiel''': Because of me. Everything. All these people. I shouldn't be here.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': We didn’t part friends, Dean.
:'''Dean''': So what?
:'''Castiel''': I deserved to die. Now, I can’t possibly fix it…So why did I even walk out of that river?
:'''Dean''': Maybe to fix it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': I should never have broken your wall, Sam. I'm here to make it right. ''(touches Sam's head, Sam groans in pain)''
:'''Sam''': ''(Looking at Castiel, while seeing him as a hallucination of Lucifer)'' You're not real.
:'''Castiel''': I'm so sorry Sam.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': What the hell do you mean you can’t? 
:'''Castiel''': I mean there’s nothing left to rebuild. 
:'''Dean''': Why not? 
:'''Castiel''': Because it crumbled. The pieces got crushed to dust by whatever’s happening inside his head right now. 
:'''Dean''': So you’re saying there’s nothing? That he’s gonna be like this until his candle blows out? 
:'''Castiel''': I'm sorry. This isn't a problem I can make disappear. And you know that. But I may be able to shift it. Shift? Yeah, it would get Sam back on his feet. ''(Exhales sharply)'' It’s better this way. I’ll be fine. 
:'''Dean''': Wait, Cass, what are you doing? 
:'''Castiel''': Now, Sam… This may hurt. And if I can’t tell you again... I'm sorry I ever did this to you.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 7)#ep144|Party On, Garth]]'' [7.18]==
:'''Garth''': Alright Jenny G, your ganking days are over. You've been Garthed.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Garth''': No, how is that possible? I Garthed her!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': I wish I wasn't like the damn tape from The Ring; I wish I wasn't okay because I passed on the crazy.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Garth''': Cause Mr. Fizzles thinks that you're (deep voice) lying!
:'''Dean''': Put Mr. Fizzles away or Mr. Fizzles gonna go where the sun don't shine!
:'''Tess''': (suddenly) I drank a grown up drink!
:'''Dean''': What you mean like coffee?
:'''Tess''': (shakes her head)
:'''Dean''': (confused) Alcohol?
:'''Tess''': (starts panicking) It was an accident! Help me Mr. Fizzles! Don't let them take me away!

:'''Sam''': Have either of you ever heard of Thighslapper Ale?
:'''Garth''': Is that a stripper or a beverage?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Wow, party on, Garth.
:'''Garth''': I don't even usually drink beer. It messes with my depth perception - especially when I skinny dip.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Garth''': Can I have some more Thighslapper?
:'''Sam''': No!
:'''Dean''': No - coffee for you Tara Reid.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Garth''': I'm concerned Bobby might be haunting you guys. I brought it up with Dean but he shot me down. 
:'''Dean''': Garth, leave it alone.
:'''Sam''': It's okay.
:'''Dean''': No, it's far from okay.
:'''Sam''': I already tried contacting Bobby-when that beer disappeared, I took out a talking board. 
:'''Dean''': Without me?  
:'''Sam''': I figured why drag you in, when it was something I could just put to bed myself. 
:'''Dean''': And? 
:'''Sam''': And if he was there, I'd have told you.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Can you even get drunk anymore? It's sort of like drinking a vitamin for you, right?
:'''Dean''': Shut up.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Garth''': Come with me if you want to live.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': They see a face in the crowd, we see a book falling off the table-same thing, Dean. I did the talking board, I ran plenty of EMF. When that beer went poof, I went a little nuts. 
:'''Dean''': Yeah, why didn't you tell me?
:'''Sam''': Like I said, a little nuts at the time.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby''': I'm right here, ya idjit! Balls!

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 7)#ep145|Of Grave Importance]]'' [7.19]==
:'''Dean''': Dick Roman is funding another archaeological dig. Guy moves more dirt than &quot;The Drudge Report.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': You know she and Bobby had a thing, right? 
:'''Dean''': Yeah, I knew that.....Really?
:'''Sam''': Yeah, kind of a foxhole thing. Very Hemingway.
:'''Dean''': Huh. She and I kinda went Hemingway this one time too.
:'''Sam''': Alright...well, that happens...
:'''Dean''': Wait, you too?
:'''Sam''': It was a while back. We ended up on the same case. She was stressed and I ...didn't have a soul.
:'''Dean''': That's a lot of foxholes.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Annie''': Wow. Dead. Ghost. Me. Three words you never want to use in a sentence.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Life wasn't comfy. Why should death be?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Hi. I'm Bobby. I'm a ghost. Looking for a little ghost orientation here?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby''': All right now. I can kill werewolves, fix a Pinto and bake cornbread. I will be damned if I can't get Zen!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': I hate these indie films. Nothing ever happens.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby''': We've got work to do. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Hey boys.
:'''Dean''': ''[hoarsely]'' Bobby?
:'''Bobby''': ''[surprised]'' wait...you can see me?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': So what do you think we should do?
:'''Dean''': We did what we should do. Now, I don't know.
:'''Sam''': I mean...do you think it's possible we can...I don't know, make it all work somehow?
:'''Dean''': I have no idea. Maybe? I've never heard of it. But you know what I do know? It ain't the natural order of things. Everything is supposed to end. You know, he was supposed to...Now, what are the odds this ends well? What are the odds?

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 7)#ep146|The Girl with the Dungeons and Dragons Tattoo]]'' [7.20]==
:'''Bobby''': I got a glimpse at Dick's big plan, right before he Lincoln'ed me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby''': This is about those Levi's living here one percenter style

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Charlie''': If you can't score at a reproductive rights function, then you simply cannot score.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dick''': You're kind of completing me right now Charlie. You have that thing, that spark that makes humans so special. Not everyone has it you know. Most people can be replaced, but people like you are impossible to copy.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Charlie''': Dick Roman gave me an assignment
:'''Harry''': Is that good? 
:'''Charlie''': It means the Eye of Sauron is on me. 
:'''Harry''': Well, if you need anything I'll be back in the Shire.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Computer''': How about a nice game of chess?
:'''Charlie''': Seriously? Wargames?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''':  Perfect, it's in the middle of the Death Star.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dick''': Bruce Springsteen, Eli Manning and our own little Charlie? You know what they are? Irreplaceable. You're more of a Tim Tebow, Joe Biden type. You got no spark. In fact there's nothing in you. Except Harold's dinner.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''':  Charlie are you singing?
:'''Charlie''': I sing when I'm nervous; don't judge me!
:'''Dean''':  Judgement free zone.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Who's your favorite Harry Potter character? 
:'''Charlie''': Hermione.
:'''Sam''': Hermione. Well did Hermione run when Sirius Black was in trouble? Or when Voldemort attacked Hogwarts?
:'''Dean''': Seriously?
:'''Sam''': Shut up.
:'''Charlie''':No of course not.
:'''Sam''': What did she do?
:'''Charlie''': She kicked ass! She practically saves Harry in every book. And then she ends up with the wrong...
:'''Sam''': Stay on track. She kicked ass, right? So what are you going to do?
:'''Charlie''': I'm gonna kick it in the ass. 
:'''Sam''': ''[chuckles]'' Good girl.
:'''Dean''': Oh, you go, Dumble-dork.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': And you’re gonna flirt your way past.
:'''Charlie''': I can't. He's not my type.
:'''Dean''': You're gonna have to play through that.
:'''Charlie''': As in.. he's not a ''girl.''
:'''Dean''': Oh..oh.. Pretend he has boobs.
:'''Charlie''': Worse.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': All tattoos are sexy.
:'''Charlie''': Mine is princess Leia in a slave bikini straddling a 20-sided die. ''[Dean slowly looks over to Sam and doesn't say anything]'' I was drunk. It was Comic-con. 
:'''Dean''': We've all been there.. Okay, I'm going to walk you through this.
:'''Charlie''': Okay.
:'''Dean''':  Let's start with a smile. ''Relax,'' Charlie, you just got home and Scarlett Johansson is waiting for you. 
:'''Guard''': Can I help you, miss?
:'''Charlie''': Hey...Bill. Charlie from IT. 
:'''Guard''': Oh, burning the midnight oil, huh?
:'''Charlie''': Just like you. I mean, you're not at the gym. What do you...work out with all of your free time?
:'''Guard''': I try to get to the gym at least 3 days a week. Trying to get back to my fightin' weight.
:'''Dean''': ''[to Charlie]'' It shows, you look amazing. 
:'''Charlie''': It shows, you look amazing.
:'''Dean''': ''[to Sam]'' This never happened. 
:'''Dean''': ''[to Charlie]'' You ever do anything else with your free time? Like take a girl out for a drink? ''[Sam laughs]''
:'''Charlie''': You ever do anything with your free time? Like take a girl out for a drink?
:'''Dean''': ''[to Sam]'' Stop laughing, Sammy. 
:'''Charlie''': Stop laughing Sammy ''[realizes]''...Um, you don't know that bar, 'Stop laughing Sammy'. ''[Sam tries to hold back a laugh]'' That place is bringing sexy back. Which is easy because they kept the receipt...
:'''Dean''':  Stop talking, Charlie.
:'''Charlie''': Stop talking Charlie...right. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Charlie''': I feel dirty.
:'''Dean''': You and me both, sister. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Charlie''': Why didn't you kill him?!
:'''Sam''': Because we can't.. yet.
:'''Charlie''': The really evil ones ''always'' need a special sword.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Charlie''': I left your dumb flask in the back seat by the way, worst good luck charm ever!
:'''Dean''': ''[hands her bag''] Here you go. 
:'''Charlie''':Thanks.
:'''Sam''': So listen, we can't thank you enough...
:'''Charlie''': Actually you can. Never contact me again...like ever. Deal? 
:'''Sam''': Deal.
:'''Dean''':  Keep your head down there okay?
:'''Charlie''': This ain't the first time I disappeared. ''[Sam and Dean give her a confused look]''
:'''Charlie''': You think my name is really Charlie Bradbury? Please. So...good luck saving the world. Peace out, Bitches. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''':  She's kind of like the little sister I never wanted. 
:'''Sam''': We've got to talk.
:'''Dean''':  You mean before we get back to the car, and the flask?
:'''Sam''': Exactly. So what the hell happened back in the lobby?
:'''Dean''':  Man, if I had a free shot, I would have bitch slapped the hell out of Dick.
:'''Sam''': Yeah but, I mean, Charlie got her friggin' arm broken. 
:'''Dean''':  He didn't mean to do it.
:'''Sam''': Exactly. He's not in control. Not about Dick. That was vengeful spirit crap. 
:'''Dean''':  I know. But it's still Bobby.
:'''Sam''': But if he goes there, he won't be anymore. And then we won't be able to pull him back. And then what are we suppose to do?
:'''Dean''': I know... Let's just figure out what that thing we stole is...and then we'll figure out what the hell to do with Bobby.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 7)#ep147|Reading is Fundamental]]'' [7.21]==
:'''Edgar''': ''[Receiving a phone call from Dick Roman]'' Isn't it strange that someone would ''choose'' to be called &quot;Dick?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Meg''': ''[On phone]'' What up, Bullwinkle? Just a little FYI call. Your boy's awake.
:'''Sam''': What? ''[to Dean]'' Cas is awake.
:'''Dean''': When? ''[Sam puts the phone on speaker]'' When?
:'''Meg''': Last night about eight.
:'''Dean''': And you waited till now to call us?
:'''Meg''': I've been busy with Cas. He's just a tad different than when he dozed off, 'kay?
:'''Dean''': What do you mean, different?
:'''Meg''': Hey, Seacrest, guess what – not a nurse. Just playing one on TV. Want answers? Start driving.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Meg''': He's been like the naked guy at the rave ever since he woke up. Totally useless.
:'''Castiel''': Will you look at her? My caretaker. All of that thorny pain. So beautiful.
:'''Meg''': We've been over this. I don't like poetry. Put up or shut up. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Okay. So, Cas, you said you woke up last night?
:'''Castiel''': Yes. I heard a ping that pierced me, and, well, you wouldn't have heard it unless you were an angel at the time.
:'''Sam''': That's also when we opened this. ''[He hands Castiel a bag containing the tablet]''
:'''Castiel''': Oh. Of course. Now I understand.
:'''Sam''': Understand what?
:'''Castiel''': You were the ones. Well... I guess that makes sense.
:'''Dean''': What makes sense?
:'''Castiel''': If someone was going to free the Word from the vault of the earth, it would end up being you two. Oh, I love you guys.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': Did you know that a cat's penis is sharply barbed along its shaft? I know for a fact the females were ''not'' consulted about that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': This is the handwriting of Metatron. 
:'''Sam''': Metatron?!? You're saying a Transformer wrote that?
:'''Dean''': No, that's Megatron.
:'''Sam''': What?
:'''Dean''': The Transformer, it's Megatron.
:'''Sam''': What?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hester''': You smote thousands in Heaven. You gave a big, scary speech. Then you were gone. What the hell was that?!
:'''Castiel''': Rude, for one thing.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': ''[to Dean]'' Hey. So, we got ''another'' wrinkle. Uh, looks like Kevin's gone &quot;missing&quot;... And it's gone federal. Yeah.. Where's Meg?
:'''Meg''': I'm here.
:'''Dean''': ''[to Meg]'' Great, so now we're kidnappers? 
:'''Meg''': Not if we shut up about it. Why? Who'd we kidnap?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kevin''': You're one of the angels?
:'''Castiel''': ''[reaches over and taps Kevin's nose]'' Boop. ''[turns to Meg]'' Meg, are you hurt?!
:'''Meg''': Shut up.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': ''[to Meg]'' You know, those racing dogs were absolutely miserable. They can only think in ovals!
:'''Dean''': Cass, don't make me pull this car over!! Why are angels after us?
:'''Castiel''': Are you angry? Why are you angry?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': I don't fight any more. I watch the bees.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kevin''': This looks like a sex torture dungeon. Is this a sex torture dungeon?
:'''Dean''': No this is ''not'' a sex torture!...Get over here. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': You seem troubled. Course that's a primary aspect of your personality, so I sometimes ignore it.
:'''Sam''': Okay. Um... right now I'm just wondering about ''you.''
:'''Castiel''': What about me?.. ''[realizes]'' You're worried about the burden I lifted from you.
:'''Sam''': I thought I was done for... Do you see Lucifer?
:'''Castiel''': I did at first. But that was... It was a projection of yours, I think, sort of an aftertaste. Now I more see... Well, everything. It's funny. I was.. I was done for too. The weight of all my mistakes, all those lives and souls lost, I...I couldn't take it either. I was... ''[Sighs]'' ..I was lost.. ''until'' I took on your pain. It's strange to think that, that helped.. But-
:'''Sam''': I ''know'' you never did anything but try to help. I realize that, Cass, and I'm grateful. We're ''all'' grateful. And we're gonna help you get better, okay? No matter what it takes. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Meg''': I've figured out one thing about this world... Just one, pretty much. You find a cause and you serve it. Give yourself over, and it orders your life.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': It says we need to start with the blood of a fallen angel.
:'''Castiel''': Well, you know me. Always happy to bleed for the Winchesters. ''(fills up vial with his blood)''

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 7)#ep148|There Will Be Blood]]'' [7.22]==
:'''Gloria Jane''': In this hour we'll go behind the scenes and answer the question everyone's been asking for months. What makes Dick so hard to beat?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Okay man I have read this more times than the Playboy I found in Dad's duffle.
:'''Sam''': Anna Nicole?
:'''Dean''': Anna Nicole. Ah, the good they die young, huh?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': A little FYI. Bobby's officing out of the john these days.
:'''Sam''': Ahh - awkward.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Could've been a monastery. Monks get up at 4am to pray.
:'''Dean''': Ohh - Can't get laid, can't sleep in. That's a freaking tragedy... Okay, so alpha's camping next to a monkey house

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Emily''': What now:
:'''Dean''': We get you somewhere safe, circle back and ginsu these leeches.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Emily''': What's a Kardashian?
:'''Dean''': Just another bloodsucker.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': I can't do this. man I can't live on rabbit food. I'm a warrior!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Alright Sam - tap the keg.
:'''Sam''': Here?
:'''Dean''': Yeah Sam, look around; it's freaking Woodstock, everyone's hopped up on the brown acid. We don't need the song and dance. Give him a little prick.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': I think anyway you slice it we've got Pac Man and True Blood in the same room.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Edgar''': Mankind's a limited resource, after all.
:'''Alpha Vampire''': There are seven billion of them.
:'''Edgar''': Only seven.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Alpha Vampire''': We come from you.
:'''Edgar''': Barely.
:'''Alpha Vampire''': I am the son of Eve!
:'''Edgar''': A pathetic mutt! Hardly one of us. I knew Eve... and honestly, your mommy was a whore.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': But Dean, we gave up all our Vamptonite.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Wow you get a trophy in Stockholm Syndrome.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Alpha Vampire''': Right, right, your flesh is crawling. All you want to do is kill me now. You hate having to wait and come back, and try again...
:'''Dean''': Pretty much. I wouldn't leave that head to close to that body for too long.
:'''Alpha Vampire''': See you next season.
:'''Dean''': Looking forward to it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Dick Roman throws a match into a bowl, summoning Crowley]''
:'''Crowley''': Hello... [He looks up as the light fixture above him changes to a devil’s trap] Dick.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 7)#ep149|Survival of the Fittest]]'' [7.23]==
:'''Crowley''': So, if you're suddenly calling, I guess you're up to speed on the Winchesters, which means you intercepted the Prophet. And the Prophet told you that my blood is the key to everything. You know what I like about you?
:'''Dick Roman''': Lack of pretension?
:'''Crowley''': You're smarter than you look.
:'''Dick Roman''': Oh, well, now you're just flirting.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dick Roman''': We need America. They're so fat.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': We should call Castiel.
:'''Dean''': Dude, on my car...he showed up naked...covered in bees.
:'''Sam''': Yeah, I am not really sorry I missed that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Well, I guess if we can't find a righteous bone in a friggin' nunnery crypt.
:'''Sam''': All right. Here – listen to this. Sister Mary Benedict, uh, taught the learning-impaired and died at age 23.
:'''Dean''':Eh, it's a little young. Find someone who's had time to cook.
:'''Sam''': Okay, well, there was, uh... here – Sister Mary Eunice. Uh, fed the poor, became Mother Superior at age 60.
:'''Dean''': Sounds political. Power corrupts.
:'''Sam''': Right. Um... listen to this – Sister Mary Constant, 83 years of quiet, humble nun-like goodness. What do you think?
:'''Dean''': Wow. I want to be more righteous just reading this.
:'''Sam''': Exactly.
:'''Dean''': All right, well, I lay odds on her. Here we go. Well... let's bone this nun.
:'' [Sam gives him a look] ''
:'''Dean''': Sorry.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Meg''': ''[to Dean about Castiel]'' Go ask him, he was your boyfriend first.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': So, Cas, what's, uh, what's, uh, what’s the word?
:'''Castiel''': Well, Dean, I've been thinking. Monkeys are so... clever, and they're sensible in that they leave the skins on the bananas that they eat. Is it really necessary to test cosmetics on them? I mean, how important is lipstick to you, Dean?
:'''Dean''': Not very. You want to come inside and, uh, tell us what's going on?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': [picks up bone and sniffs it] Mm. Sister Mary Constant. Good choice.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''': Castiel. When last we spoke, you – well, enslaved me. I'm confused. Why aren't you dead?
:'''Castiel''': I... don't know.
:'''Crowley''': Well, do you want&gt; to be? 'Cause I can help with that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dick''': Oh, eat up. The sushi's made of fresh orphan.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': Do we need a cat? Doesn't this place feel one species short?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Going vengeful? It's an itch you can't scratch out. Look... I'm done. Go get Dick. But don't do it 'cause you think it'll scratch the itch. Do it 'cause it's the job. And when it's your time... go.
:''[Sam and Dean prepare to burn Bobby's flask to put him to rest]''
:'''Bobby''': Here's to running into you guys on the other side.  Only... not too soon alright?
:''[Dean sadly throws the flask into a fire and he and Sam watch as Bobby burns up as the flask melts]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': If we attack Dick and fail, then you and Sam die heroically, correct?
:'''Dean''': I don't know. I guess.
:'''Castiel''': And at best, I die trying to fix my own stupid mistake. Or... I don't die – I'm brought back again. I see now. It's a punishment resurrection. It's worse every time.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': I'm not good luck, Dean.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, but you know what? Bottom of the ninth and you're the only guy left on the bench... Sorry, but I'd rather have you. Cursed or not. And anyway nut up, alright? We're ''All'' cursed. I seem like good luck to you?
:''[Castiel smiles a bit]''
:'''Dean''': What?
:'''Castiel''': Well.. I don't want to make you uncomfortable, but I detect a note of forgiveness.
:'''Dean''': Yeah well, I'm probably gonna die tomorrow so... ''[Dean makes a face as if to say why not]''
:'''Castiel''': Well, I'll go with you. ''[Dean looks at Cass]'' And I'll do my best.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Dean takes out a sharpened bloodstained bone.]''
:'''Dick Roman''': And good on you! Pulling that together – A-plus.
:'''Dean''': Oh, you don't think this'll work, do you? You trust that demon?
:'''Dick Roman''': You sure I'm even me, Dean?
:'''Dean''': No but he is [indicating Castiel] See here's the thing about dealing with Crowley: he will ''always'' find a way to bone you.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Dean stabs Dick in the heart. Dick pulls out and breaks the bone]''
:'''Dick Roman''': Did you ''really'' think you could trump me?
:'''Dean''': Honestly? ''[pulls out the real bone]'' No. ''[Castiel holds Dick's head in place from behind and Dean stabs him through the neck]'' Figured we'd have to catch you off-guard!
:''[as energy waves emerge from him, Dick starts laughing before finally exploding into black goo]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Where's Dean?
:'''Crowley''': That bone... has a bit of a kick. God weapons often do. They should put a warning on the box.
:'''Sam''': Where are they, Crowley?!
:'''Crowley''': Can't help you, Sam.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''': Sorry, moose. Wish I could help. You certainly got a lot on your plate right now. It looks like you are well and truly... on your own.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': Wake up. ''[Dean opens his eyes and sits up.]'' Good. We need to get out of here.
:'''Dean''': ''[Standing up]'' Where are we?
:'''Castiel''': You don't know?
:'''Dean''': Last I remember, we ganked Dick.
:'''Castiel''': And where would he go in death?
:'''Dean''': Wait. Are you telling me...?
:'''Castiel''': Every soul here is a monster. [There is a rustling in the trees.] This is where they come to prey upon each other for all eternity.
:'''Dean''': We're in Purgatory? How do we get out?
:'''Castiel''': I'm afraid we're much more likely to be ripped to shreds.
:'''Dean''': ''[Turns and sees two large creatures with red eyes watching him.]'' Cass, I think we better – ''[Castiel has disappeared.]'' Cass?

==Cast==
*[[w:Jared Padalecki|Jared Padalecki]] - [[w:Sam Winchester|Sam Winchester]] 
*[[w:Jensen Ackles|Jensen Ackles]] - [[w:Dean Winchester|Dean Winchester]]
*[[w:Misha Collins|Misha Collins]] - [[w:Castiel_(Supernatural)|Castiel]]
*[[w:DJ Qualls|DJ Qualls]] as [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Garth Fitzgerald IV|Garth Fitzgerald IV]]
*[[Charisma Carpenter]] as Maggie Stark
*[[James Marsters]] as Donald Stark
*[[w:Mark A. Sheppard|Mark A. Sheppard]] - [[w:Crowley|Crowley]]
*[[w:Jim Beaver|Jim Beaver]] - [[w:Bobby Singer|Bobby Singer]]
*[[w:Samantha Ferris|Samantha Ferris]] - [[w:Ellen Harvelle|Ellen Harvelle]]
*[[w:Alona Tal|Alona Tal]] - [[w:Jo Harvelle|Jo Harvelle]]
*[[w:Lauren Cohan|Lauren Cohan]] - [[w:Bela Talbot/Lugosi/Alex|Bela Talbot]]
*[[w:Rachel Miner|Rachel Miner]] - [[w:Meg Masters|Meg]]
*[[w:Mark Pellegrino|Mark Pellegrino]] - [[w:Lucifer (Supernatural)|Hallucifer]]
*[[w:James Patrick Stuart|James Patrick Stuart]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Dick Roman|Dick Roman]]
*[[w:Benito Martinez (actor)|Benito Martinez]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Edgar|Edgar]]
*[[w:Kevin McNally|Kevin McNally]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Frank Devereaux|Frank Devereaux]]
*[[w:Cameron Bancroft|Cameron Bancroft]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Dr. Gaines|Dr. Gaines]]
*[[w:Osric Chau|Osric Chau]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Kevin Tran|Kevin Tran]]
*[[w:Kim Rhodes|Kim Rhodes]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Sheriff Jody Mills|Jody Mills]]
*Sean Owen Roberts - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Chet|Chet]]
*Larissa Gomes - Louise
*Khaira Leyedo - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Linda Tran|Mrs. Tran]]
*[[w:Felicia Day|Felicia Day]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Charlie Bradbury|Charlie Bradbury]]
*[[w:Jason Dohring|Jason Dohring]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Chronos|Chronos]]
*[[w:Nicholas Lea|Nicholas Lea]] - [[w:Eliot Ness|Eliot Ness]]
*[[w:Emily Perkins|Emily Perkins]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Becky Rosen|Becky Rosen]]
*[[w:Julian Richings|Julian Richings]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Death|Death]]
*[[w:Jewel Staite|Jewel Staite]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Amy Pond|Amy Pond]]
*[[w:Rick Worthy|Rick Worthy]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Alpha Vampire|Alpha Vampire]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{imdb title|0460681|Supernatural}}
*[http://www.supernaturalwiki.com Supernatural Wiki]
*[http://www.supernaturaltv.info Watch Supernatural]

{{center|'''Season'''&amp;nbsp; [[Supernatural (season 1)|1]] • [[Supernatural (season 2)|2]] • [[Supernatural (season 3)|3]] • [[Supernatural (season 4)|4]] • [[Supernatural (season 5)|5]] • [[Supernatural (season 6)|6]] • [[Supernatural (season 7)|7]] • [[Supernatural (season 8)|8]] • [[Supernatural (season 9)|9]] • [[Supernatural (season 10)|10]] • [[Supernatural (American TV series)|Main]]}}

[[Category:Supernatural (U.S. TV series) seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>am33uq807lmwfp7kjy1c8436fplpcbx</sha1>
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  <page>
    <title>Supernatural (season 6)</title>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-26T18:08:14Z</timestamp>
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'''''[[Supernatural (American TV series)|Supernatural]]''''' (2005–2020) is a paranormal/horror/thriller/drama-themed television series on the WB Television Network (now merged with UPN into the new network The CW) that details the lives of two brothers who travel across the country in a black 1967 Chevy Impala investigating paranormal events and other unexplained occurrences.&amp;nbsp; '''[[w:Supernatural (season 6)|Season six]]''' originally aired from 24 September 2010 to 20 May 2011.

{{center|'''Season'''&amp;nbsp; [[Supernatural (season 1)|1]] • [[Supernatural (season 2)|2]] • [[Supernatural (season 3)|3]] • [[Supernatural (season 4)|4]] • [[Supernatural (season 5)|5]] • [[Supernatural (season 6)|6]] • [[Supernatural (season 7)|7]] • [[Supernatural (season 8)|8]] • [[Supernatural (season 9)|9]] • [[Supernatural (season 10)|10]] • [[Supernatural (American TV series)|Main]]}}

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 6)#ep105|Exile on Main St.]]'' [6.01]==
:'''Dean''': There's not much to tell. You know, it's--I... lived on the road. Took crap jobs that nobody else wanted.
:'''Sid''': Like...?
:'''Dean''': Like... pest control.
:'''Sid''': Really? Pest control.
:'''Dean''': Yeah. Get to work with a partner. You get to help people. You have no idea what's in some people's walls. Could eat them alive.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sid''': Dean! Is that a gun?
:'''Dean''': No! No, yeah. well, I got a permit for it.
:'''Sid''': What, to shoot the Glickmans' dog?
:'''Dean''': I thought that was a possum. Remember when I said I was in pest control. Well, possums carry rabies, so...
:'''Sid''': Wow. I did not know that.
:'''Dean''': Oh yeah, yeah, possums... possums kill, Sid.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lisa''': So I just ran into Sid. Did you almost shoot a Yorkie?
:'''Dean''': Technically

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Azazel''': Hiya Dean, look what the apocalypse shook loose. ''[laughs]'' You have fun sniffing that trail? 'Cause I sure had fun pattin' you around.
:'''Dean''': You can't be...
:'''Azazel''': Oh sure I can.
:'''Dean''': No.
:'''Azazel''': Yeah, kiddo, the big daddy brought your pal Cass back, right? So why not me? Add a little spice to all that... sugar. ''[Dean shoots him]'' Really? After all we've been through together? You know, you've got a great little life here; pretty lady, real understanding... hell of a kid. And how do you keep your lawn so green? I mean, come on, Dean! You never been what I'd call &quot;brainy&quot;, but did you really think you were gonna get to keep all of this? You had to know that we were comin' for you sometime, pal. You can't outrun your past.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Sammy?
:'''Sam''': Yeah, it's me.
:''[They hug each other]''
:'''Dean''': Wait a minute, wait a minute. You... you... you were... you were gone man! That... That was it, how the hell you're...
:'''Sam''': I don't know.
:'''Dean''': What did you mean, you don't know?
:'''Sam''': I mean no idea. I'm just back.
:'''Dean''': Was it God? Or... or Cas? Did Cas know anything about it?
:'''Sam''': You tell me. I've been calling, Cas didn't answer my prayers. I don't even know where he is.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': You finally had what you wanted Dean.
:'''Dean''': I wanted my brother! Alive!
:'''Sam''': You wanted a family. You have for a long time. Maybe the whole time. I know you. You only gave it up because of the way we lived. You had something. You were building something. Had I shown up Dean, you would've just run off.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gwen''': My God, you have delicate features for a hunter.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Maybe you want to go upstairs. The TV's broken but there's plenty of Reader's Digests. Just don't touch the decor, okay? Assume it's all loaded.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Do you have any clue what walking away meant for me?
:'''Bobby''': Yeah, a woman and a kid... and not getting your guts ripped out at age 30. That's what it meant.
:'''Dean''': That woman and that kid, I went to them because you asked me to.
:'''Bobby''': Good.
:'''Dean''': Good for who? I showed up on their doorstep half out of my head with grief. God knows why they even let me in. I drank too much, I had nightmares. I looked everywhere. I collected hundreds of books trying to find anything to bust you out.
:'''Sam''': You promised you'd leave it alone.
:'''Dean''': Of course, I didn't leave it alone! Sue me!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lisa''': You're an idiot. I mean, I know it wasn't greeting-card perfect, but we were in it together.
:'''Dean''': I was a wreck half the time.
:'''Lisa''': Yeah, well, the guy that basically just saved the world shows up at your door, you expect him to have a couple of issues.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Samuel''': Nice house.
:'''Dean''': Oh yeah, go ahead, say it, call me a soccer mom, whatever.
:'''Samuel''': &quot;Soccer mom,&quot; huh. I'll have to look that up on the &quot;Intranet&quot;.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 6)#ep106|Two and a Half Men]]'' [6.02]==
:'''Dean''': Maybe I shouldn't go.
:'''Lisa''': It's okay. You want to go, so go.
:'''Dean''': You know what, Sam can handle this.
:'''Lisa''': Dean, no offense, but if you don't walk out that door, I'm going to shoot you.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Seatbelt.
:'''Dean''': What am I, in third grade? A car should drive, not be a little bitch.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Dean, make it stop.
:'''Dean''': How?
:'''Sam''': Everyone's staring at us like we're child abusers! Feed it!
:'''Dean''': We fed it!
:'''Sam''': Then what?
:'''Dean''': I don't know. You think I speak baby? Maybe he needs a diaper change.
:'''Sam''': Oh God, I hope not.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': ''[after Sam has killed a shape shifter in their motel room]'' Well, there goes our deposit.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': You want to bring it to a bunch of hunters.
:'''Sam''': Not just hunters, Dean. They're our family.
:'''Dean''': We don't know them.
:'''Sam''': I do. Not every hunter is a head case. I mean, Samuel is actually a lot like you.
:'''Dean''': I'm a freaking head case.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Samuel''': Congrats. It's a boy... sometimes.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lisa''': The one thing that I do know is that you're not a construction worker. You're a hunter. And now you know your brother's out there, things are different. You don't want to be here, Dean.
:'''Dean''': Yes, I do.
:'''Lisa''': Okay. Okay, but, but you also want to be there. I get it. You're white-knuckling it living like this. Like what you are is some bad, awful thing. But you're not. But I'm not going to have this discussion every time you leave. And this is... this is just going to keep happening, so... I need you to go.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 6)#ep107|The Third Man]]'' [6.03]==
:'''Sam''': Were you racing me?
:'''Dean''': No. I was kicking your ass.
:'''Sam''': Very mature.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': We should call Cass.
:'''Sam''': You kidding, right?... Dean, I tried. It was the first and second and third thing I did as soon I got topside. Son of the bitch won't answer the phone!
:'''Dean''': Well, let's give it a shot. Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray to Castiel to get his feathery ass down here.
:'''Sam''': You're an idiot.
:'''Dean''': Stay positive.
:'''Sam''': Oh, I am positive.
:'''Dean''': C'mon, Cass. Don't be a dick. We got ourselves a... plague-like situation down here. Do you...Do you copy? ''[Nothing happens]''
:'''Sam''': Like I said, the son of the bitch doesn't answer.'' [Castiel appears behind Sam, Dean sees  him]'' He's right behind me, isn't he?
:'''Castiel''': Hello.
:'''Sam''': Hello?!
:'''Castiel''': Y-Yes.
:'''Sam''': ''[mimics Castiel's voice]'' &quot;Hello.&quot; ''[Sam shakes his head]'' Hello?!
:'''Castiel''': Uhh... That ''is'' still the term?
:'''Sam''': I spend all that time trying to get through to you. Dean calls once and now it's ''[Mimics Castiel again]'' Hello.
:'''Castiel''': Yes.
:'''Sam''': So what you- you like him better or something?
:'''Castiel''': Dean and I do share a more profound bond. ''[Dean and Sam give him a look]'' I wasn't going to mention it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': You think I came because you called? I came because of this.
:'''Dean''': Oh, well, it's nice to know what matters.
:'''Castiel''': It does help one to focus.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cas''': I think we can rule Moses out as a suspect.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': Sam, Dean, my &quot;people skills&quot; are &quot;rusty.&quot; Pardon me, but I have spent the last &quot;year&quot; as a multidimensional wavelength of celestial intent.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': I don't know who's on first, what's on second.
:'''Castiel''': What is second?
:'''Dean''': Don't start that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Balthazar''': You've heard about the frog in the throat, right?
:'''Castiel''': [After a frog has crawled from the dead angel's throat] Even I know that's a bad joke.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Balthazar''': Holy fire. You hairless ape! Release me!
:'''Dean''': First you're taking your marker off of Aaron Birch's soul.
:'''Balthazar''': Am I?
:'''Dean''': Sam!
:'''Sam''': Unless you like your wings extra crispy, I'd think about it.
:'''Balthazar''': Castiel, I stood for you in Heaven. Are you gonna let these two-
:'''Castiel''': I believe the hairless ape has the floor.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 6)#ep108|Weekend at Bobby's]]'' [6.04]==
:'''Crowley''': That swan dive of Sam's was a thing of beauty. Tens all the way around. Standing &quot;o&quot; from the Romanian judge. You should be proud, Bobby. As deaths go, it wasn't too shabby.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Dean, I'm a little busy.
:'''Dean''': Well then kick Bo Derek out of your bathtub. We got a case, here.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Marcy''': I love scary movies. Hey, have you seen ''[[w:Drag Me to Hell|Drag Me to Hell]]''?
:'''Bobby''': Trying to avoid it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Agent Adams''': Have you seen this man, Rufus Turner AKA Luther Vandros AKA Ruben Studdard.
:'''Bobby''': No. Never seen that dick.
:'''Agent Adams''': How do you know he's a dick?
:'''Bobby''': Lucky guess.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Agent Adams''': I just want to take a look around.
:'''Bobby''': You got a warrant, sonny?
:'''Agent Adams''': Well, do I need one, sir?
:'''Sheriff Mills''': Okay, fellas, put the rulers away, zip up.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Why'd you send him outside?
:'''Sheriff Mills''': Because I didn't think you'd want him in here.
:'''Bobby''': I don't. I've got a body in the basement.
:'''Sheriff Mills''': My point.
:'''Bobby''': Yeah, but I've got another body buried in the yard.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Marcy''': Bobby, I am trying to keep my cool here, but what are you doing in my house with a shotgun?
:'''Bobby''': Have you seen anything weird?
:'''Marcy''': You mean besides you?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rufus''': You're still alive, huh?
:'''Bobby''': Don't act so surprised.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rufus''': So you just happened to have a bamboo dagger blessed by a Shinto priest laying around.
:'''Bobby''': Wood chipper.
:'''Rufus''': Oh... okie dokie, wood chipper. That-that pretty much trumps...everything.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Sam, Dean, I love you like my own. I do. But sometimes... sometimes you two are the whiniest, most self-absorbed sons of bitches I ever met. I'm selfish? Me? I do everything for you. Everything! You need some lore scrounged up, you need your asses pulled out of the fire, you need someone to bitch to about each other. You call me, and I come through. Every damn time! And what do I get for it? Jack with a side of squat!
:'''Dean''': Bobby...
:'''Bobby''': Do I sound like I'm done? Now look, I know you got issues. God knows, I know. But I got a news flash for you. You ain't the center of the universe! Now it may have slipped your minds that Crowley owns my soul, and the meter is running. And I will be damned if I'm going to sit around and... and be damned! So how about you two sack up and help me for once?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''': I thought when I got the corner office, it was all going to be rainbows and two-headed puppies. But if I'm being honest, it's been hell.
:'''Bobby''': I thought that was the point.
:'''Crowley''': You know what the problem with demons is?
:'''Bobby''': They're demons?
:'''Crowley''': Exactly. Evil, lying prats, the whole lot of them. They're stupid. You try to show them a new way, a better way, and what do you get? Bugger all! You know, there's days that I think Lucifer's whole &quot;spike anything with black eyes&quot; plan wasn't half bad. Hpph. Feels good to get it off my chest. We should make this a thing.
:'''Bobby''': Do I look like Dr. Phil to you?
:'''Crowley''': A little.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''': I'll do the shorthand for you. ''(as Bobby)'' I want my soul back, idjit! ''(as himself)'' Afraid not. ''(as Bobby)'' But I'm surly and I got a beard. Gimme! ''(as himself)'' Blah blah blah. Homespun, cornpone insult. Witty retort from yours truly. The bottom line is, you get bupkis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Now, you may be king of the dirtbags here, but in life, you were nothing but a two-bit tailor who sold his soul in exchange for an extra three inches below the belt.
:'''Crowley''': Just trying to hit double digits.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Did you really used to wear a skirt?
:'''Crowley''': A kilt. I had very athletic calves.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''': I believe those are mine.
:'''Dean''': You know, now that I think about it, maybe I'll just napalm your ass anyhow.
:'''Sam''': Dean. He's a dick, but a deal's a deal.
:'''Crowley''': I don't need you to fight my battles for me, moose. Get bent.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 6)#ep109|Live Free or Twihard]]'' [6.05]==
:'''Dean''': These aren't vampires, man. These... these are douchebags.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': He's watching her sleep, how is that not rapey?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': &quot;He could hear the blood rushing inside her. Almost taste it. He tried desperately to control himself. Romero knew their love was impossible.&quot; Romero? Really?
:'''Sam''': Dean, shut up.
:'''Dean''': This is a national best-seller. How is that possible?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Where are you going?
:'''Dean''': Bathroom, okay? Newsflash, Mr. Wizard: vampires pee!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Oh, God, I'm Pattinson.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Boris''': These are the best days in the last six hundred years to be a vampire. Dracula, Anne Rice, please. These stupid little brats are so horny, they've reinvented us as Prince Charming with a Volvo. They want a promise ring with fangs, so I give it to them.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 6)#ep110|You Can't Handle the Truth]]'' [6.06]==
:'''Dean''': You gotta figure out what the hell [Sam] is and fast.
:'''Bobby''': I'm trying. But, Dean, there's a worst case scenario.
:'''Dean''': What, Satan's my co-pilot? Yeah, I know.
:'''Bobby''': Well, that'd be the other worst case.
:'''Dean''': Well, then what?
:'''Bobby''': Maybe it's just Sam. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': A dentist drilled a guy to death.
:'''Dean''': You mean the non-sexy kind of drilling, right? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Woman in Bar''': I'm sitting like this so you'll look at my breasts. I just bought them. I need a lot of attention.
:'''Dean''': Good luck with that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Tori Spelling. I'm a huge fan. Girl's a real talent.
:'''Dean''': I guess it does work over the phone.
:'''Bobby''': You know what else? I get a pedicure once and a while at this nice Vietnamese joint.
:'''Dean''': Okay, please stop.
:'''Bobby''': This one girl, Nhung Phuong, name means &quot;velvet phoenix.&quot; Tiny thing, but the grip on her! She starts on my toes and I feel like I am gonna -
:'''Dean''': Whoa, whoa, come on, man. Now I'm scarred for life! Thank you.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': And that's -
:'''Sam''': Dog's blood.
:'''Dean''': Do I even want to know where you got that?
:'''Sam''': Probably not.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': I told myself I wanted out. That I wanted a family.
:'''Veritas''': But you were lying.
:'''Dean''': No, but what I'm good at is slicing throats. I ain't a father, I'm a killer. And there's no changing that, I know that now.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 6)#ep111|Family Matters]]'' [6.07]==
:'''Samuel''': This Castiel? You're scrawnier than I pictured.
:'''Castiel''': This is a vessel. My true form is approximately the size of your Chrysler Building.
:'''Dean''': All right, all right, quit bragging.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': So, Samuel didn't take the bait, so I went with Plan B.
:'''Dean''': We had a Plan B?
:'''Sam''': I fired up the GPS in one of his cell phones. We should be able to track him right to the Alpha.
:'''Dean''': The old man won't notice?
:'''Sam''': Trust me. He thinks Velcro is big news.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Alpha Vampire''': When your kind first huddled around the fire, I was the thing in the dark. Now you think you can hurt me?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Alpha Vampire''': The thing about souls, if you've got one, of course, is they're predictable. You die, you go up or down. Where do my kind go?
:'''Dean''': All right, enough with the sermon, freak.
:'''Alpha Vampire''': I'm trying to answer the question. Now, when we freaks die, where do we go? Not Heaven, not Hell. So?
:'''Dean''': Legoland?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': OK, we split up, clear every room. If you get a shot, you take it. It's not going to kill him, but dude will move a little slower without any kneecaps,  and if we make it through this, you, me and Sam are having one hell of a family meeting.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Since when do you give a crap about vampires?
:'''Crowley''': Since, uh... what's today, Friday? Since, let's see... mind your business.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': So, what's so important that you're the king of Hell's cabana boy, huh? What'd he offer you? Girls? Money? Hair?

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 6)#ep112|All Dogs Go to Heaven]]'' [6.08]==
:'''Crowley''': That Bobby Singer? Give him a kiss for me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''': Werewolves turning on the full moon. So '09.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crime scene tech''': What are the feds doing here?
:'''Sam''': Oh, we're specialists. They call us in to answer the questions of mouth-breathing dick monkeys.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crime scene tech''': You do realize these were animal attacks.
:'''Dean''': An animal, out here? You think it came for the sailing?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': You didn't sleep. Cause you don't... sleep.
:'''Sam''': Right.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, that's not creepy at all.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Bag him now?
:'''Dean''': No, we make sure.
:'''Sam''': Really?
:'''Dean''': Before we hand him over to a lifetime of demon rape? Yeah, really.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Boy, Cal just doesn't know when to quit.
:'''Dean''': Three scuzzy bars, one scuzzy strip joint, a chili dog joint, seven or eight nightcaps, and now Scotches in the library. I'm getting cirrhosis just watching this.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Roll over, Lucky. Speak.
:'''Lucky''': Go to hell.
:'''Sam''': Already been. Didn't agree with me.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 6)#ep113|Clap Your Hands If You Believe]]'' [6.09]==
:'''Marion''': Of course it's not UFOs. It's fairies.
:'''Dean''': Fairies? Okay. Well, thank you for your input.
:'''Sam''': What, flying saucers not insane enough for you?
:'''Marion''': What newspaper did you say you work for?
:'''Sam''': Okay, if you want to add glitter to that glue you're sniffing, that's fine, but don't dump your whack-a-doo all over us. We'd rather not step in it.
:'''Dean''': Okay, we're—we're done.
:'''Sam''': The only thing you're missing is a couple dozen cats, sister.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, it's a-it's a blood-sugar thing. My apologies.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Empathy man, empathy. I mean, the old Sam would have given her some-some wussified, dew-eyed crap.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': But until we get you back on the soul train, I'll be your conscience. Okay?
:'''Sam''': So you're saying you'll be my Jiminy Cricket.
:'''Dean''': Shut up. But yeah, you freakin' puppet. That's exactly what I&quot;m saying.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': ''[on the phone]'' UFO! UFO!
:'''Sam''': Oh. Dude, stop yelling, you're breaking up. I didn't catch that last part.
:'''Dean''': Close encounter! Close encounter!
:'''Sam''': Close encounter? What kind? First? Second?
:'''Dean''': They're after me!
:'''Sam''': Third kind already? Better run, man. I think the fourth kind is a butt thing.
:'''Dean''': Empathy, Sam! Empathy!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sparrow''': Your brother was abducted?
:'''Sam''': Yeah.
:'''Sparrow''': Oh my God!
:'''Sam''': It's fine. I mean, I've had time to adjust.
:'''Sparrow''': Did it-did it happen when you were kids?
:'''Sam''': No, like half an hour ago.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': So, you've been hunting UFOs for over three decades and you basically have no concrete data and zero workable leads.
:'''Wayne''': Well, I...
:'''Sam''': Have you considered the possibility that you suck at hunting UFOs?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sparrow''': What were they like?
:'''Dean''': They were grabby, incandescent douche bags. Good night.
:'''Sparrow''': Too soon.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': And then suddenly I was, uh, I was-I was in a different place. And there were these... beings. And they were-they were too bright to look at, but I could-I could feel them pulling me towards this sort of... table.
:'''Sam''': Probing table?
:'''Dean''': God, don't say that out loud!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': I had a close encounter, Sam, and I won.
:'''Sam''': You should take a shower.
:'''Dean''': I should take a shower. I'm gonna, I'm gonna take a shower now.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Look. That brings up a question. So, say you got a soul, and you're on a case. And your brother gets abducted by aliens.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, then you do everything you can to get him back.
:'''Sam''': Right, you do. But, what about when there are no more leads for the night? I mean, are you supposed to just sit there in the dark and suffer? Even when there's nothing that can be done at that moment?
:'''Dean''': Yes!
:'''Sam''': What?
:'''Dean''': Yes. You sit in the dark and you-you feel the loss.
:'''Sam''': Absolutely. But couldn't I just do all that and have sex with the hippy chick?
:'''Dean''': No!
:'''Sam''': It'll be in the dark.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Nipples?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': What the hell was it?
:'''Dean''': It was a... a little, naked lady, okay?
:'''Sam''': It was... a what?
:'''Dean''': It was-it was a little, glowing... hot, naked lady, with nipples, and... she hit me.
:'''Sam''': I'm not supposed to laugh, right? Right, okay, sure.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Marion''': Personally, I think they're taken to Avalon to service Oberon, king of the fairy.
:'''Sam''': Dean, did you service Oberon, king of the fairies?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': God, is it on me? I feel like I've got the crazy on me.
:'''Sam''': No. You did sit in some glitter, though.
:'''Dean''': Makes me want to believe in UFOs again.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Fight the fairies! You fight those fairies! FIGHT THE FAIRIES!

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 6)#ep114|Caged Heat]]'' [6.10]==
:'''Meg''': Hugs and puppies all around!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Cas, we found something. It-it's this gold box. Apparently Nazis were after it back in the day. Someone tried to open it and their face melted off. I think its the - ready for this - the Arc of the Convenant. Yeah, so-
:'''Cas''': I'm here Sam. Where is the box?
:'''Sam''': I can't believe you fell for that! That was the plot of ''Raiders'', idiot.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': If you don't help us, I will hunt you down and kill you.
:'''Cas''': Will you, ''boy''? How?
:'''Sam''': I don't know yet, but I will look until I find out and I don't sleep.
:'''Cas''': You need help Sam.
:'''Sam''': I need your help.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cas''': This is very complex. If the pizza man truly loves this babysitter, why does he keep slapping her rear? Perhaps she's done something wrong?
:'''Dean''': You're watching porn? Why?
:'''Castiel''': It was there.
:'''Dean''': You don't watch porn in a room full of dudes. And you don't talk about it. Just turn it off! ''[Castiel looks down at his lap]'' Well, now he's got a boner.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Samuel''': This what you boys do, sit around watching pornos with angels?
:'''Castiel''': We're not supposed to talk about it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Meg''': ''[to Cas]'' Remember me? I sure remember you, Clarence.
:'''Cas''': ''[to Dean and Sam]'' Why are we working with these... abominations?
:'''Meg''': ''[to Cas]'' Keep talking dirty, it makes my meatsuit all dewy.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Karma's a bitch, bitch.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cas''': ''[After he kisses Meg]'' I learned that from the pizza man.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': If you want forgiveness, find a priest.
:'''Samuel''': I just want you to understand.
:'''Dean''': Oh, I understand. That you're a liar. You talk about putting blood first – which is funny 'cause you sound just like my dad - difference is, he actually did!
:'''Samuel''': I am putting blood first.
:'''Dean''': Oh, give me a break.
:'''Samuel''': Mary is my blood, my daughter! Don't come at me like I sold you out, Dean. You sold out your own mother! It was her or Sam and you chose Sam, plain and simple.
:'''Dean''': Oh, that is such crap. You wanna know what really happened? You chose a demon over your own grandsons!
:'''Samuel''': See it how you want. I don't even know what Sam is. And you want me to protect him? And you? You're a stranger. No, really, tell me – what exactly are you supposed to be to me?
:'''Dean''': I'll tell you who I am. I'm the guy you never wanna see again. 'Cause I'll make it out of here, trust me. And the next time you see me, I'll be there to kill you.
:'''Samuel''': Don't think there's gonna be a next time.
:'''Dean''': Whatever gets you though the night.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cas''': Leave them alone.
:'''Crowley''': Castiel. Haven't seen you all season. You're the cavalry now?
:'''Cas''': Put the knife down.
:'''Crowley''': You that bossy in heaven?

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 6)#ep115|Appointment in Samara]]'' [6.11]==
:'''Dean''': I'm trying to save your life!
:'''Sam''':Exactly, Dean! It's my life! It's my life, it's my soul. And it sure as hell ain't your head that's gonna explode when this whole scheme of yours goes sideways!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': I need your help, Balthazar.
:'''Balthazar''': Interesting. Since last time we met you wanted to... what was it? Oh yes, yes... fry my wings extra crispy.
:'''Sam''': Well, that was a misunderstanding.
:'''Balthazar''': Some misunderstanding!
:'''Sam''': I need some advice.
:'''Balthazar''': Advice?
:'''Sam''': Angel advice.
:'''Balthazar''': Then go ask your boyfriend.
:'''Sam''': Cas can't help me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dead Guy''': ''(after dying from a heart attack)'' Why?
:'''Dean''': You think maybe it was the extra cheese?
:'''Dead Guy''': Yeah... It was good though.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby''': ''[as Sam chops down the door]'' Don't say &quot;Here's Johnny!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby''': You want to explain what this is about?
:'''Sam''': I just, uh, I have to do this, Bobby.
:'''Bobby''': Says who?
:'''Sam''': When Dean shoves that soul back in me, think how bad that could really be. I can't let it happen, Bobby. I mean it's not like I want to kill you, you've been nothing but good to me.
:'''Bobby''': So what, demon deal or somethin'?
:'''Sam''': Spell.
:'''Bobby''': You're makin' a mistake, Sam.
:'''Sam''': I'm trying to survive. 
:'''Bobby''': Dean's got a way to make it safe.
:'''Sam''': Oh, yeah, what some wall inside my head that maybe stays up? Come on.
:'''Bobby''': If it works...
:'''Sam''': Well, what if it doesn't? Dean doesn't care about me. He - he just cares about his little brother, Sammy, burning in Hell. He'll kill me to get that other guy back.
:'''Bobby''': Look, I... I know how scary it is. You know what's scarier? You right now. You're not in your right head Sam. You're not giving us much choice here.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Death''': Today, you got a hard look behind the curtain. Wrecking the natural order's not quite such fun when you have to mop up the mess, is it? This is hard for you, Dean. You throw away your life because you've come to assume that it'll bounce right back into your lap. But the human soul is not a rubber ball. It's vulnerable, impermanent, but stronger than you know. And more valuable than you can imagine. So, I think you've learned something today.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Death''': ''[returning Sam's soul to him]'' Now Sam, I'm going to put up a barrier inside your mind... It might feel a little itchy. Do me a favor... don't scratch the wall. Trust me, you're not going to like what happens.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 6)#ep116|Like a Virgin]]'' [6.12]==
: '''Sam''': Dean.
:(''Sam has woken after having his soul returned'')
: '''Dean''': Sam?
:(''Sam hugs Dean then crosses the room and hugs Bobby'')
: '''Bobby''': Good to see you.
: '''Sam''': Wait. I saw you—I—I felt Lucifer snap your neck.
: '''Bobby''': Well, Cas kind of—
: '''Sam''': Cas is alive?
: '''Dean''': Yeah, Cas—Cas is fine. Sam, are you okay?
: '''Sam''': Actually, um...I'm starving.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
: '''Dean''': So, Sam...
: '''Sam''': Yeah?
: '''Dean''': What's the last thing you remember?
: '''Sam''': The field. And then I fell.
: '''Dean''': Okay. And then?
: '''Sam''': I woke up in the panic room.
: '''Bobby''': That's it? You really don't remember—
: '''Dean''': Let's be glad. Who wants to remember all that hell?
: '''Sam''': Well, how long was I gone?
: '''Dean''': About a year and a half.
: '''Sam''': What? I was downstairs f— I don't remember anything. So, how'd I get back? Was it Cas?
: '''Dean''': Not exactly.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
: '''Dean''': ''(to Bobby)'' Why the poop face?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
: '''Dean''': ''(while reading Penny's diary)'' I've decided I'm going to give Stan my most precious gift...
: '''Sam''': Wow, that sounded really creepy coming out of your mouth.
: '''Dean''': I think I delivered it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
: '''Dean''': I prefer ladies with experience

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
: '''Sam''': So what kind of thing likes virgins and gold?
: '''Dean''': P. Diddy?
: '''Sam''': You know, it's comforting.
: '''Dean''': What's that?
: '''Sam''': I died for a year, came back, and you're still not funny.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
: '''Dean''': What do you know about dragons?
: '''Bobby''': What? Nothing.
: '''Dean''': Seriously.
: '''Bobby''': Well, they're not like the Loch Ness monster, Dean. Dragons aren't real.
: '''Dean''': Could you make a few calls?
: '''Bobby''': To who? Hogwarts?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': ''(to the rock as he's trying to get the sword out)'' You rocks think you're so smart.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
: '''Sam''': Castiel, um...I'm back. So, if you got a minute...
: '''Castiel''': Sam. It's so good to see you alive.
: '''Sam''': Yeah. You too.
:( ''Castiel walks over to hug Sam, but Sam sits down instead.'')
: '''Sam''': Um...Look, I-I would hug you, but—
: '''Castiel''': —that would be awkward.
: '''Sam''': Um...Was a crazy year, huh? I-I-I just talked to Bobby. He—he told me everything that happened.
: '''Castiel''': Frankly, I'm surprised that you survived. I was begging Dean not to do it.
: '''Sam''': Yeah. No, I-I-I can understand that.
: '''Castiel''': You know, it's a miracle it didn't kill you.
: '''Sam''': Yeah. Yeah, it's a miracle, all right.
: '''Castiel''': So, how does it feel?
: '''Sam''': What?
: '''Castiel''': Well, to have your soul back, of course.
: '''Sam''': Right. Y-you mean 'cause I was walking around with no soul. Uh... Really good, Cas. I'm real good. You know what? I'm—I'm just hazy on a few of the details, though. Um... You think maybe you could...walk me through?

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 6)#ep117|Unforgiven]]'' [6.13]==
: '''Woman''': Where's your partner? The big bald guy? Agent Wynand, right?
: '''Sam''': Agent Wynand, of course. Well -
: '''Dean''': Sex rehab. Yeah, you've heard of plushies, right?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': One of dad's rules? You never use the same crapper twice.
:'''Sam''': Everyone uses the same crapper twice.
:'''Dean''': Not us... You know what I mean.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': ''(leaving a voicemail for Sam)'' I found the connection between the missing chicks. They all banged the same dude. You.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': My spidey senses are tingling.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Sam, you-you gotta understand that all that crap last year, all of it, none of it was you.
:'''Sam''': Let's be crystal clear, okay? It was me.
:'''Dean''': ''(walks away)'' Can I get you anything?
:'''Sam''': What are you now, my waitress?
:'''Dean''': I'm just trying to make you feel better, don't be a bitch.
:'''Sam''': Yeah, I'm fine.
:'''Dean''': ''(sarcastic)'' Yeah, you look fine. ''(serious)'' All I'm saying is everything's gonna be okay.
:'''Sam''': I don't know Dean, if I did this here, then who knows how many oth— ''(Sam falls to the floor in a violent seizure)''
:'''Dean''': Sammy? Sam?! Sammy, talk to me!
:''(Sam has a flash back to his soul burning and screaming in Hell)''

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 6)#ep118|Mannequin 3: The Reckoning]]'' [6.14]==
:'''Dean''': How do you feel?
:'''Sam''': Like I got hit by a... planet.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': How long was I out again?
:'''Dean''': I'm tellin' you, like two or three minutes. Why, what'd it feel like to you?
:'''Sam''': 'bout a week. give or take.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': None of this &quot;it's just a flesh wound&quot; crap.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Dean, I might have done...who knows what. And you want me to just forget about it?
:'''Dean''': You shove it down, and you let it come out in spurts of violence and alcoholism.
:'''Sam''': That sounds healthy.
:'''Dean''': Well, it works for me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': That anatomy dummy you were molesting at the lab.
:'''Dean''': Excuse me?
:'''Sam''': What if that's what this is about?
:'''Dean''': What exactly are you accusing me of?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Ben tricked Dean and Lisa into talking]''
:'''Ben''': Um...
:'''Dean and Lisa''': ''[in unison]'' Go to your room.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lisa''': ''[to Dean]'' My phone rings, I think: tiny chance it's you, big chance it's Sam calling to tell me you're died.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Rose's spirit possesses the Impala]''
:'''Dean:''' ''No''... No way...!
:'''Isabelle:''' ''[shocked]'' That's impossible...
:'''Dean:''' No, no, no, no, no... She possesses sex dolls, this is ''not'' a sex doll! ''[the Impala's lights turn on, and the engine starts revving aggressively]'' Hey, you leave my Baby alone! She's got ''nothing'' to do with this!
:''[The car tries to run them over]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': ''[before tricking his possessed Impala to crash into a wall]'' I'm so sorry, Baby.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 6)#ep119|The French Mistake]]'' [6.15]==
:'''Makeup girl''': Jensen, there you are. Let's just get you in the chair. 
:'''Dean''': The chair?
:'''Makeup girl''': Okay, good. ''(reaching for a make-up removal wipe)'' We're just gonna get this make-up off your face.
:'''Dean''': What? Hey, I'm not wearing any make-... ''(looking at a dirty wipe in disbelief)'' Oh,  crap. I'm a painted whore!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': They put frickin' makeup on us! Those ''bastards!''
:'''Sam''': Look, I think I know what this is.
:'''Dean''': Okay, what?
:'''Sam''': It's a TV show.
:'''Dean''': ''(sarcastic)'' You think?!
:'''Sam''': Well, I mean, here, wherever this is, thi-this ''Twilight Zone'' Balthazar zapped us into... for whatever reason, our life is a TV show.
:'''Dean''': Why?
:'''Sam''': I don't know.
:'''Dean''': No, seriously, why? Why would anybody wanna watch our lives?
:'''Sam''': Well according to the television reporter, not many people do.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': I'm just saying we landed in some dimension where you're Jensen Ackles, and I'm something called a Jared Padalecki.
:'''Dean''': Oh, so what, now you're ''Polish''?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': ''(upon seeing the many Impalas on the set, some of which are beaten up)'' I feel sick. I'm gonna be sick.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': I wanna go home. I feel like this whole place is bad-touching me.

&lt;hr width=50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dean''': Dear Castiel, who art maybe running his ass away from heaven, we pray that you have your ears on. So...Breaker, breaker.

&lt;hr width=50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dean''': This isn't Cas.
:'''Sam''': Dude, look at him.
:'''Misha''': You guys wanna run lines, or...?
:'''Dean''': His name is Misha! ... Misha?!
:'''Sam''': Oh, wow. ''(takes Key back from Misha)'' ... Just great.
:''(Dean and Sam go away)''
:'''Dean''': Misha? Jensen? What's with names around here?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': ''(spotting the actor's trailer)'' Hey. &quot;J. Ackles.&quot;
:'''Dean''': That's fake me.
:'''Sam''': Yeah.
:'''Dean''': This must be fake mine! ''(upon entering the trailer)'' Dude, I have a helicopter!
:'''Sam''': Wow, alright, who puts a 300-gallon aquarium in their trailer?
:'''Dean''': Apparently Jensen Ackles.
:'''Sam''': ''(rolling his eyes)'' Huh.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': If there's a key, then there has to be a lock. And when we find the lock, we can get the weapons, and then we can have the weapons. And the lock, we'll also have the lock, I imagine because we've opened it, and of course, the initial key... a-and...
:'''Dean''': ''(abnormally deep voice)'' We need to get all three of that crap.
:'''Sam''': What?
:'''Dean''': That's how he does it!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bob''': Jared and Jensen were seen beating an extra to death.
:'''Sarah''': Huh.
:'''Jim''': This is Jim here Sarah, and it wasn't ''all'' the way to death. So that's a plus.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': ''(about Raphael)'' Dude looks like a lady.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': ''(hitting a wall in Bobby's house)'' Solid. ''(with relief)'' It's real. Nice.
:'''Dean''': Yeah. Yeah, real, moldy, termite-eaten home sweet home. Chock full of crap that want to skin you. Oh, and uh, we're broke again.
:'''Sam''': ''(sarcastic)'' Yeah. But, hey... at least we're talking.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 6)#ep120|…And Then There Were None]]'' [6.16]==
:'''Eve''': God doesn't care about you.
:'''Rick''': Sure He does.
:'''Eve''': Your Father made you and then abandoned you. So you pray. You see signs where there's nothing. But truth is, your Apocalypse came and went, and you didn't even notice. A mother would never abandon her children like He did. You'll see.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': I'm not in the mood. I just had a 12 inch herpe crawl out of my ear!
:'''Sam''': What?
:'''Dean''': You heard me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': You saying he wasn't a monster when I ganked him?
:'''Rufus''': One way to find out. Bobby, you got a cranial saw in the car?
:'''Bobby''': Of course.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rufus''': I want you and you to watch... Okay, I want you and you to watch him and him and... Alright if anything crawls out of anybodies ''somebody'' step on it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': What he did to us... but...
:'''Dean''': There's a but?
:'''Sam''': I just can't help but think, what would Mom say?
:'''Dean''': You know what I think Mom would say? She'd say, &quot;Just 'cause you're blood doesn't make you family. You gotta earn that.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rufus''': ''[to Dean, Sam, Bobby]'' This can't be my afterlife because the three of you are here.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Hey there, you little herpe.
:'''Sam''': Why do you keep talking about herpes?
:'''Dean''': What? I don't. Shut up. Shut up!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Who is she, this Eve bitch?
:'''Slug''': The Mother of All of us. And the end of all of you. By the time she's done, there'll be more creatures than humans. You'll live in pens. We'll serve up your young and call it veal.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby''': It was Omaha. It was my fault. And he never let it go.
:'''Dean''': Well, he should have.
:'''Bobby''': You don't know what I did, Dean.
:'''Dean''': It doesn't matter.
:'''Bobby''': What do you mean, it doesn't...?
:'''Dean''': I mean, at the end of the day, you two are family. Life's short, and ours are shorter than most. We gonna spend it wringing our hands? Something's going to get us, eventually. And when my guts get ripped out, just so you two know, we're good. Blanket apology for all the crap that anybody's done, all the way around.
:'''Sam''': Some of us pulled a lot of crap, Dean.
:'''Dean''': Well, clean slate.
:'''Sam''': Okay.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 6)#ep121|My Heart Will Go On]]'' [6.17]==
:'''Bobby''': You two just going to stand there like the ugly girl at the prom, or you gonna pitch in? This so-called Eve mother, whatever, ain't gonna gank herself. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': I mean, accidents just don't happen accidentally. ''(Sam stares)'' You know what I mean.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Can you tell me anything noteworthy about the Russos?
:'''Shawn Russo''': Noteworthy? No. I mean, not exactly. Average. You know, big, from Italy.
:'''Dean''': I see. Uh, was anyone ever killed or maimed in a war? Or, you know, some other violent thing?
:'''Shawn Russo''': What do you mean?
:'''Dean''': Like something so dark that it would sully future generations.
:'''Shawn Russo''': Uh, no.
:'''Dean''': Good. Good stuff. Anyone own a slave?
:'''Shawn Russo''': What?
:'''Dean''': Routine question. Any ties to the Nazi Party?
:'''Shawn Russo''': Excuse me?
:'''Dean''': Did Grandma ever piss off a gypsy?
:'''Shawn Russo''': Okay. You know what? I don't know what kind of study you're doing, but it's over. Right now. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Why?
:'''Balthazar''': Why what?
:'''Dean''': Why did you unsink the ship?
:'''Balthazar''': Because I hated the movie.
:'''Dean''': What movie?
:'''Balthazar''': Exactly.
:'''Sam''': Wait. So you saved a cruise liner because...?
:'''Balthazar''': Because that god-awful Celine Dion song made me wanna smite myself!
:'''Sam''': Who's Celine Dion?
:'''Balthazar''': Oh, she's a destitute lounge singer somewhere in Quebec, and let's keep it that way, please.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': But now those people and their kids and their kids' kids... they must have interacted with-with so many other people, changed so much crap... you totally butterfly-effected history.
:'''Dean''': Dude, dude, rule one. No Kutcher references.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Balthazar''': Anyway, let's agree, I did a good thing. One less Billy Zane movie and I saved two of your closest friends.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Balthazar''': Sorry, you have me confused with the other angel. You know, the one in the dirty trench coat who's in love with you. I don't care.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': What'd she look like?
:'''Sam''': Kinda like a librarian.
:'''Dean''': Your kind of librarian, or my kind of librarian?
:'''Sam''': Well, she was wearing clothes, if that's what you mean. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Balthazar''': Uh, sweetie, before we go, I could remove that stick from...
:'''Atropos''': Don't try me.
:'''Balthazar''': We'll leave it inserted, then.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': So... wait, did--did Balthazar really, uh... unravel a sweater over a chick flick? 
:'''Castiel''': Yes. Absolutely, that's what he did. 
:'''Dean''': Wow, well, might be time to take away his cable privileges. Besides, Titanic didn't suck ''that'' bad. ''(Sam stares)'' Winslet's rack. ''(Castiel leaves)'' Well, I'll tell you one thing about Cas, he does not appreciate the finer things.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 6)#ep122|Frontierland]]'' [6.18]==
:'''Bobby''': Either of you jokers ever heard anything about a Phoenix?
:'''Dean''': River, Joaquin, or the giant flaming bird? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': We'll ''[[w:Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home|Star Trek IV]]'' this bitch.
:'''Bobby''': I only watched ''[[w:Star Trek: Deep Space Nine|Deep Space Nine]]''.
:'''Dean''': It's like I don't even know you guys anymore. ''Star Trek IV''. Save the whales.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': You only have 24 hours.
:'''Sam''': What? Why?
:'''Castiel''': Well, the answer to your question can best be expressed as a series of partial differential equations...
:'''Bobby''': Yeah, aim lower.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Look, just because you're obsessed with all that Wild West stuff...
:'''Dean''': No I'm not.
:'''Sam''': You have a fetish.
:'''Dean''': Shut up. I like old movies.
:'''Sam''': You can recite every Clint Eastwood movie ever made, line-for-line.
:'''Bobby''': Even the monkey movies?
:'''Sam''': Yeah. Especially the monkey movies.
:'''Dean''': His name is Clyde.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby''': You goin' to a hoedown?
:'''Castiel''': Now is it, is it customary to wear a blanket?
:'''Dean''': It's a serape. And yes, it's a... never mind, let's just go.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sheriff''': So what can I do for you, boys?
:'''Sam''': Uh we're looking for a man.
:'''Judge Mortimer''': I'll bet. Nice shirt there.
:'''Dean''': What's wrong with my shirt?
:'''Judge Mortimer''': You're very clean.
:'''Dean''': It's dirtier than it looks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Maybe you got to go find him and make history. I'll stay here, hook up with the posse. Because you know me. I'm a posse magnet. I mean, I love posse. Make that into a t-shirt.
:'''Sam''': Ya done? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': You know what this means?
:'''Bobby''': Yeah, I didn't get a soul-onoscopy for nothing.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 6)#ep123|Mommy Dearest]]'' [6.19]==
:'''Bobby''': I'm thinkin' maybe it's time you made a call.
:'''Dean''': Why's it always got to be me that makes the call, huh? It's not like Cas lives in my ass. The dude's busy. ''(Castiel appears right behind him)'' Cas, get out of my ass!
:'''Castiel''': I was never in your... have you made any progress in locating Eve?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': I'll search the town. Give me a moment. ''(stares off into space)''
:'''Dean''': Cas, we can still see you.
:'''Castiel''': Yeah, I'm still here.
:'''Dean''': Okay, you don't have to wait on us. ''(Castiel tries again)'' Well, now it just looks like you're pooping.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': I'm powerless.
:'''Dean''': You're joking.
:'''Castiel''': Something in this town is, uh... it's affecting me. I assume it's Eve.
:'''Dean''': So, wait. Mom's making you limp?
:'''Castiel''': Figuratively, yes.
:'''Dean''': How?
:'''Castiel''': I don't know, but she is.
:'''Dean''': Oh, well, that's great, 'cause without your power, you're basically just a baby in a trench coat. ''(Castiel looks away)''
:'''Sam''': I think you hurt his feelings.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': I'm fairly unpracticed with firearms.
:'''Dean''': You know who whines? Babies.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': The question is why? What does she want with a... what do you call these?
:'''Bobby''': Well, congrats, you discovered it, you get to name it.
:'''Dean''': &quot;Jefferson Starships.&quot; Huh? Because they're horrible, and hard to kill.
:'''Sam''': It looks like the entire bar has been turned into these-
:'''Dean''': Jefferson Starships.
:'''Sam''': Fine. But why are all... the Starships dead? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby''': They won't take long.
:'''Castiel''': You don't know that. They may find more wayward orphans along the way.
:'''Bobby''': Oh, don't get cute.
:'''Castiel''': Right. Pardon me for highlighting their crippling and dangerous empathetic response with &quot;sarcasm.&quot; It's a bad idea letting them go.
:'''Bobby''': Come on. You don't let Sam and Dean Winchester do squat. They do what they gotta, you know that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': There's one way to draw her out. Me and Sam will go in.
:'''Bobby''': Dean!
:'''Dean''': Look, if we don't get a shot off you two better.
:'''Bobby''': That's the plan?
:'''Dean''': Yeah. Pretty much.
:'''Bobby''': Well, at least it ain't complicated.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Is there anybody in this diner that is not a flesh-eating monster?
:'''Sam''': Uh, me and you.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eve''': Relax. I'm not here to fight.
:'''Dean''': No. Just to rally every freak on the planet. Bring in Khan worms and--and half-assed Spidermen. And dragons. Really, sister? Dragons?
:'''Eve''': So I dusted off some of the old classics. I needed help.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 6)#ep124|The Man Who Would Be King]]'' [6.20]==
:'''Castiel''': I remember being at a shoreline, watching a little grey fish heave itself up on the beach. And an older brother saying, &quot;Don't step on that fish Castiel, big plans for that fish.&quot; I remember the the Tower of Babel - all 37 feet of it, which I suppose was impressive at the time. And when it fell they howled, &quot;Divine Wrath!&quot; But come on, dried dung can only be stacked so high.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': And, of course, I remember the most remarkable event - remarkable because it never came to pass. It was averted by two boys, an old drunk and a fallen angel. The grand story. And we ripped up the ending and the rules...And destiny...leaving nothing but freedom and choice. Which is all well and good, except... Well, what if I've made the wrong choice? How am I supposed to know? I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me tell you my story. Let me tell you everything.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''': Chocula here feels every tickle.
:'''Castiel''': What is that good for?
:'''Crowley''': Apart from the obvious erotic value, you got me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''': You screwed up, Cass. You let the hounds mangle the pheasant, and now I am up to my elbows in it.
:'''Castiel''': What is your point?
:'''Crowley''': My point is, you're distracted, and that makes me nervous.
:'''Castiel''': I am holding up my end.
:'''Crowley''': Ah yes, but is that all you're holding, huh? See, the stench of that Impala's all over your overcoat, angel. I thought we'd agreed, no more nights out with the boys.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''': Am I the only game piece on the board who doesn't underestimate those denim-wrapped nightmares?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': God wants you to have freedom.
:'''Rachel''': But what does he want us to do with it?
:'''Castiel''': ''[narrating]'' If I knew then what I know now, I might have said; 'It's simple. Freedom is a length of rope, God wants you to hang yourself with it.' Those first weeks back in Heaven were surprisingly difficult. Explaining freedom to angels is a bit like teaching poetry to fish.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': Whose Heaven is this?
:'''Raphael''': Ken Lay's. I'm borrowing it.
:'''Castiel''': I still question his admittance here.
:'''Raphael''': He's devout! Trumps everything.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Raphael''': Do I look like I'm joking?
:'''Castiel''': You never look like you're joking.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': ''(referring to freeing Lucifer and Michael)'' Then I won't let you
:'''Raphael''': Really? You? ''(holds up one hand and a flash of light appears. Cas is shown on the ground coughing up blood)''
:'''Castiel''': ''(narrating)'' I'm not ashamed to say that my big brother knocked me into next week.
:'''Raphael''': Tomorrow you kneel, Castiel, or you and anyone with you dies.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': You want to make a deal? With me? I'm an Angel, you ass. I don't have a soul to sell.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''': The problem with the old place was most of the inmates were masochists already. A lot of &quot;thank you sir, can I have another hot poker up the jacksy?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''': Just look at them. No one likes waiting in line.
:'''Castiel''': What happens when they reach the front?
:'''Crowley''': Nothing. They get right back to the end again. That's efficiency.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': What can I do besides submit or die?
:'''Crowley''': Submit or die? What are you, French?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''': Castiel you got what they call 'sex appeal'
:'''Castiel''': Thank you.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': You know who spies on people, Cas? Spies.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': If you touch the Winchesters... 
:'''Crowley''': Please. I heard you the first time. I promise -- nary a hair on their artfully tousled heads. Besides, I think they've proven my point for me. It's always your friends, isn't it, in the end? We try to change. We try to improve ourselves. It's always our friends who got to claw into our sides and-and hold us back. But you know what I see here? The new God ''[pointing at Castiel]'' and the new Devil, working together. 
:'''Castiel''': Enough! Stop talking. And get out of my sight.
:'''Crowley''': Well... Glad I came. You're welcome, by the way. You know the difference between you and me? I know what I am. What are you, Castiel? What exactly are you willing to do?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': You're the one who taught me that freedom and free will...
:'''Dean''': You're a freaking child, you know that? Just because you can do what you want, doesn't mean you get to do whatever you want.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 6)#ep125|Let it Bleed]]'' [6.21]==
:'''Bobby''': Our pal, Cas, didn't stop in last night just to mend fences.
:'''Dean''': What did he do?
:'''Bobby''': Stole something.
:'''Dean''': What?
:'''Bobby''': The journal of one Moishe Campbell.
:'''Sam''': Moishe?
:'''Bobby''': Of the New York Campbells.
:'''Sam''': Wha- uh... So we gotta get it back. Right?
:'''Bobby''': Or just read the copy I already made. Hi, glad to meet you. Bobby Singer: paranoid bastard.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Alright so who's this Phillips guy?
:'''Bobby''': Phillips ain't his last name. It's Lovecraft.
:'''Sam''': [[w:H.P. Lovecraft|H.P. Lovecraft]]? Let me see that.
:'''Dean''': Am I supposed to know who that is?
:'''Sam''': Horror writer? &quot;At the Mountains of Madness&quot;? &quot;The Call of Cthulu&quot;?
:'''Dean''': Yeah, no I- I was too busy having sex with women.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''': God, how long's it been, Dean? Since my so-called demise, yes?
:'''Dean''': Crowley. Let them go now, or I swear-
:'''Crowley''': Right, right, you'll rip me a cornucopia of orifices.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': You are not to harm them, do you understand me?
:'''Crowley''': You know what? You're maxed out on putting humans out of bounds.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': I don't believe a word that's coming out of your mouth.
:'''Castiel''': I thought you said that we were like family. Well, I think that too. Shouldn't trust run both ways?
:'''Dean''': Cas, I just can't.
:'''Castiel''': Dean, I do everything that you ask. I always come when you call. And I am your friend, still, despite your lack of faith in me, and now your threats. I just saved you, yet again. Has anyone but your closest kin ever done more for you? All I ask is this one thing.
:'''Dean''': Trust your plan to pop Purgatory?
:'''Castiel''': I've earned that Dean.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Balthazar''': I know I'm going to live to regret this, but... I'm officially... on your team. You bastards.
:'''Dean''': And we should believe you why?
:'''Balthazar''': Would you believe I had a shred of decency?
:'''Sam''': No.
:'''Balthazar''': Aww. That hurts. Okay. You're right. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Dean, you know you have pulled some shady crap before but this... has got to be the worst. Whitewashing their memories? Take it from somebody who knows-
:'''Dean''': You ever mention Lisa or Ben to me again? I will break your nose.
:'''Sam''': Dean-
:'''Dean''': ''(near tears)'' I'm not kidding.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 6)#ep126|The Man Who Knew Too Much]]'' [6.22]==
:'''Bartender''': So, where do we start?
:'''Sam''': Uh, ground floor, corner room, nearest to the fire escape. That's the one I'd pick, quickest getaway.
:'''Bartender''': And why do you know that?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': Rest assured, when this is all over, I will save Sam. But only if you stand down.
:'''Dean''': Save Sam from what? ''(Cas appears behind Sam and knocks him out with a touch.)''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': I can't just sit here, Bobby, I have got to help him.
:'''Bobby''': Dean...
:'''Dean''': Dreamscape his noggin, something.
:'''Bobby''': You know what Cas did. The dam inside your brother's head is gone, and all hell's spilling loose. We don't know what's going on inside there.
:'''Dean''': I don't care.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Soulless Sam''': My God. Am I really that gawky?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': This is impossible.
:'''Soulless Sam''': Cold. Try again.
:'''Sam''': I'm a... I'm hallucinating.
:'''Soulless Sam''': Warmer. But see, normally, you're awake when you're tripping balls.
:'''Sam''': I'm dreaming?
:'''Soulless Sam''': And someone just won a copy of the home game. [[Supernatural (season 5)|We're inside your grapefruit Sam.]] Son, you've been juiced.
:'''Sam''': I-I don't remember anything.
:'''Soulless Sam''': Well, your BFF Cas brought the hell-wall tumbling down, and you, pathetic infant that you are, shattered into pieces.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Soulless Sam''': You think I'm bad. Wait 'til you meet the other one.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Balthazar''': Well at least you mudfish finally got the angel-proofing right. ''(points at Sam)'' How's sleeping beauty? You didn't steal any kisses, I trust.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Balthazar''': Castiel? Are you alright?
:'''Castiel''': First Sam and Dean and now this? I'm doing my best in impossible circumstances. My friends, they, abandon me, plot against me. It's difficult to understand.
:'''Balthazar''': Well, you've always got little old me.
:'''Castiel''': [Appearing behind Balthazar, stabbing him through the back for betraying him to Dean] Yes. I'll always have you.
:'''Balthazar''': (Softly) Cas.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': I'm renegotiating our terms.
:'''Crowley''': Is that so? What terms do you propose?
:'''Castiel''': You get nothing. Not one single soul.
:'''Crowley''': Kind of noticed, it seems a bit unfairly weighted.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Hey. HEY!
:'''Tortured Sam''': Oh, hi Sam.
:'''Sam''': So. Which one are you?
:'''Tortured Sam''': Don't you know? ''(stands up to show his face, which is harrowed.)'' I'm the one that remembers Hell.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Tortured Sam''': I wish you hadn't come, Sam.
:'''Sam''': I had to. I'm here, right? Out there in the real world, I'm at Bobby's, aren't I?
:'''Tortured Sam''': How do you know?
:'''Sam''': This whole time, I've smelled nothing but Old Spice and whiskey. Figured if I could get back here, back to my body I could, I don't know, I could snap out of it somehow.
:'''Tortured Sam''': First you have to go through me.
:'''Sam''': Why?
:'''Tortured Sam''': Humpty-dumpty has to put himself back together again before you wake up. And I'm the last piece.
:'''Sam''': Which means I have to know what you know. What happened in the cage?
:'''Tortured Sam''': Trust me. You don't want to know it.
:'''Sam''': You're right. But I still have to
:'''Tortured Sam''': Sam, you can't imagine... Stay here. Go back, find that bartender, go find Jess, but don't do this. I know you. You're not strong enough.
:'''Sam''': We'll just have to see
:'''Tortured Sam''': Why is this so important to you?
:'''Sam''': You know me. You know why. I'm not leaving my brother alone out there.
:'''Tortured Sam''': ''(picks up a knife and holds it out to Sam)'' I'm not gonna fight you. But this is your last chance. ''(Sam takes the knife.)'' Good luck. You're gonna need it. ''(Sam stabs him, absorbing his memories.)''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''': ''(After the spell fails)'' Mm-hmm. Maybe I said it wrong.
:'''Castiel''': You said it perfectly. But what you needed was this ''(holds up real blood jar.)''
:'''Crowley''': I see. And we've been working with ''(tastes it)'' dog blood. Naturally.
:'''Raphael''': Enough of these games, Castiel. Give us the blood.
:'''Crowley''': You... Game's over. His jar's empty. So, Castiel, how did your ritual go? Better than ours, I'll bet.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': You can't imagine what it's like. They are all inside me, Millions upon millions of souls. 
:'''Crowley''': Sounds sexy. Exit stage Crowley. ''(Crowley disappears)''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': You're not my family, Dean. I have no family.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': The angel blade won't work. Because I'm not an angel anymore. I'm your new God. A better one. So you will bow down, and profess your love unto me, your Lord, or I shall destroy you.

==Cast==
*[[w:Jared Padalecki|Jared Padalecki]] - [[w:Sam Winchester|Sam Winchester]] 
*[[w:Jensen Ackles|Jensen Ackles]] - [[w:Dean Winchester|Dean Winchester]]
*[[w:Misha Collins|Misha Collins]] - [[w:Castiel_(Supernatural)|Castiel]]
*[[w:Mark A. Sheppard|Mark A. Sheppard]] - [[w:Crowley|Crowley]]
*[[w:Jim Beaver|Jim Beaver]] - [[w:Bobby Singer|Bobby Singer]]
*[[w:Samantha Ferris|Samantha Ferris]] - [[w:Ellen Harvelle|Ellen Harvelle]]
*[[w:Rachel Miner|Rachel Miner]] - [[w:Meg Masters|Meg]]
*[[w:Sebastian Roché|Sebastian Roché]] - [[w:Balthazar (Supernatural)|Balthazar]]
*[[w:Demore Barnes|Demore Barnes]], Lanette Ware - [[w:Raphael (Supernatural)|Raphael]]
*[[w:Mitch Pileggi|Mitch Pileggi]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Samuel Campbell|Samuel Campbell]]
*[[w:Cindy Sampson|Cindy Sampson]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Lisa Braeden|Lisa Braeden]]
*[[w:Nicholas Elia|Nicholas Elia]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Ben Braeden|Ben Braeden]]
*[[w:Jessica Heafey|Jessica Heafey]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Gwen Campbell|Gwen Campbell]]
*[[w:Corin Nemec|Corin Nemec]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Christian Campbell|Christian Campbell]]
*Julia Maxwell, [[w:Samantha Smith (actress)|Samantha Smith]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Eve|Eve]]
*[[w:Kim Johnston Ulrich|Kim Johnston Ulrich]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Elanor Visyak|Eleanor Visyak]]
*[[w:Laura Mennell|Laura Mennell]] - Brigitta
*[[w:David Paetkau|David Paetkau]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Mark Campbell|Mark Campbell]]
*[[w:Sonya Salomaa|Sonya Salomaa]] - Rachel
*[[w:Steven Williams|Steven Williams]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Rufus Turner|Rufus Turner]]
*[[w:Rick Worthy|Rick Worthy]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Alpha Vampire|Alpha Vampire]]
*[[w:Amber Benson|Amber Benson]] - Lenore
*[[w:Lindsey McKeon|Lindsey McKeon]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Tessa|Tessa]]
*[[w:Julian Richings|Julian Richings]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Death|Death]]
*[[w:Brian Doyle-Murray|Brian Doyle-Murray]] - Robert Singer
*[[Robert Englund]] - Dr. Robert
*[[w:Genevieve Cortese|Genevieve Cortese]] - herself

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{imdb title|0460681|Supernatural}}
*[http://www.supernaturalwiki.com Supernatural Wiki]
*[http://www.supernaturaltv.info Watch Supernatural]

{{center|'''Season'''&amp;nbsp; [[Supernatural (season 1)|1]] • [[Supernatural (season 2)|2]] • [[Supernatural (season 3)|3]] • [[Supernatural (season 4)|4]] • [[Supernatural (season 5)|5]] • [[Supernatural (season 6)|6]] • [[Supernatural (season 7)|7]] • [[Supernatural (season 8)|8]] • [[Supernatural (season 9)|9]] • [[Supernatural (season 10)|10]] • [[Supernatural (American TV series)|Main]]}}

[[Category:Supernatural (U.S. TV series) seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>fq7shlzo5f8r9dvil7a2uhodutmk2f5</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Supernatural (season 8)</title>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-26T18:08:25Z</timestamp>
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'''''[[Supernatural (American TV series)|Supernatural]]''''' (2005–2020) is a paranormal/horror/thriller/drama-themed television series on the WB Television Network (now merged with UPN into the new network The CW) that details the lives of two brothers who travel across the country in a black 1967 Chevy Impala investigating paranormal events and other unexplained occurrences.&amp;nbsp;  '''[[w:Supernatural (season 8)|Season eight]]''' originally aired from 3 October 2012 to 15 May 2013.

{{center|'''Season'''&amp;nbsp; [[Supernatural (season 1)|1]] • [[Supernatural (season 2)|2]] • [[Supernatural (season 3)|3]] • [[Supernatural (season 4)|4]] • [[Supernatural (season 5)|5]] • [[Supernatural (season 6)|6]] • [[Supernatural (season 7)|7]] • [[Supernatural (season 8)|8]] • [[Supernatural (season 9)|9]] • [[Supernatural (season 10)|10]] • [[Supernatural (American TV series)|Main]]}}

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 8)#ep150|We Need to Talk About Kevin]]'' [8.01]==
:'''Sam''': Maybe we should split up. Ask around. See if anyone's seen him.
:'''Dean''': Yeah. Asian kid. Yay high. At a university. That should be ''easy''.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kevin''': What the hell happened to you guys?
:'''Dean''': Cliff Notes. I went to Purgatory. Sam hit a dog.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''': Dean. Looking... well, let's just say Purgatory didn't do you any favors. Where's your angel?
:'''Dean''': Ask your mother.
:'''Crowley''': There's that grade-school zip. Missed it. I really did.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Channing''': Kevin...what's going on?
:'''Kevin''': There is a demon in you and you're going to your safety school.
:'''Channing''': What?!?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''': Chin up, gentlemen. I'm a professional.
:'''Dean''': This ain't over by a long shot, Crowley.
:'''Crowley''': Really, Dean? Who writes your stuff? A marshmallow?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Kevin, how you holding up?
:'''Kevin''': Awesome. The King of Hell just snapped my girlfriend's neck. How 'bout you?

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 8)#ep151|What's Up, Tiger Mommy?]]'' [8.02]==
:'''Dean''': You smell it, Sammy?
:'''Sam''': Burning flesh?
:'''Dean''': Revenge. So close.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beau''': Oh, if you're worried about the safety of the Prophet, rest assured we have a strict &quot;No casting. No cursing. No supernaturally flicking the two of you against the wall just for the fun of it&quot; policy.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''': If you're gonna to make an omelet, sometimes you have to break some spines.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Linda''': ''[slaps Crowley]'' Stay away from my son!
:'''Crowley''': Charming. Defiling her corpse has just made number one on my to-do list.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Plan C tanked.
:'''Crowley''': Maybe you should try Plan &quot;D&quot; for &quot;dumbass&quot;.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''''Dean''': [To Sam after he suggests to auction the Impala] You say it and I will kill you, your children ''and'' your grandchildren!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Samandriel''': [To Dean after he told him about Castiel] You know.. there are some in heaven who still believe despite his...mistakes, that Castiel's heart was always in the right place.
:'''Dean''': Are you one of them?
:'''Samandriel''': I think, ''too'' much heart was always Castiel's problem.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Samandriel''': [Concerning the Tablet] We protect the word of God.
:'''Dean''': Well awesome job so far...(Reads Samandriel's vessel's name tag) Alfie.
:'''Samandriel''': Actually my name is, uh, Samandriel. 
:'''Dean''': Yeah, let's just stick with Alfie.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 8)#ep152|Heartache]]'' [8.03]==
:'''Dean''': Wow. Guy goes to Purgatory for a year, all hell breaks loose. Check this out. Jogger in Minneapolis gets his heart ripped out.
:'''Sam''': I'm guessing literally.
:'''Dean''': Only way that interests me. And then, there's another article from six months ago. Same thing happens, also in Minneapolis. What's that tell us?
:'''Sam''': Stay out of Minneapolis!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': If they are words. Sounds like babble to me. Wait a second.
:'''Sam''': What?
:'''Dean''': I bought a translation app.
:'''Sam''': You bought an app?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': I know where I am at my best. And that is right here, driving down crazy street, next to you.
:'''Sam''': Makes sense.
:'''Dean''': Yes it does.
:'''Sam''': Maybe you're best hacking and slicing your way through all the world's crap alone, not having to explain yourself to anybody.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, that makes sense, seeing as I have so many other brothers I can talk to about this stuff.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Dean, listen, when this is over – when we close up shop on Kevin and the tablet – I'm done. I mean that.
:'''Dean''': No, you don't.
:'''Sam''': Dean, the year that I took off, I had something I've never had. A normal life. I mean, I got to see what that felt like. I want that. I had that.
:'''Dean''': I think that's just how you feel right now.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 8)#ep153|Bitten]]'' [8.04]==
:'''Kate''': Look. I mean, there's got to be an explanation for this.
:'''Brian''': Really?
:'''Kate''': It... was self-defense.
:'''Brian''': Eating a heart is self-defense?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Dude, two burgers?
:'''Dean''': Hey, I didn't eat at Big P's for at least a year, okay? Clear eyes and clogged arteries - Can't Lose.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kate''': ''(about Sam and Dean)'' First things first. Those guys... those guys aren't FBI, all right? I'm pretty sure that FBI agents don't say &quot;awesome&quot; that much, you know? And--and they definitely don't hunt and kill college kids.
:'''Mike''': Did--did they say anything else?
:'''Brian''': Dude, they just sat and talked about how they've been apart for a year. You were probably right about that whole office-romance thing.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Hey, Sam?
:'''Sam''': Yeah?
:'''Dean''': Do I really say &quot;awesome&quot; a lot?
:'''Sam''': No..
:'''Dean''': ''[Looks at a picture of Kate]'' Awesome..

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 8)#ep154|Blood Brother]]'' [8.05]==
:'''Sam''': Kid's like 'Rain Man'.
:'''Dean''': He's like a crappy little credit-card-counting criminal prodigy Rain Man.
:'''Sam''': Well, he ''was'' in Advanced Placement.
:'''Dean''': Shut up.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': It does present a curious curl in the metaphysics, doesn't it? If you murder a monster in monster heaven, where does it go?
:'''Benny''': And this is the crazy aunt I want to take on the road?
:'''Castiel''': I am not your aunt.
:'''Benny''': What? Really?
:'''Castiel''': I have no possible relationship to your sibling offspring.
:'''Benny''': Now you're kidding me.
:'''Dean''': Oh, you two are killing me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Vampire pirates? That's what you guys are - Vampirates!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': What the hell do you know about the value of life? You're a vampire.
:'''Benny''': Yep. And I think we both know which of our kinds killed more humans.
:'''Castiel''': Well, statistically speaking, that'd be your...
:'''Dean''': Yes. Thank you, Cass.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': So, you think I'm creepy?
:'''Amelia''': I think it's creepy that you buy all of your clothing at Army Surplus. White supremacists do that.
:'''Sam''': Yeah, but I'm not.
:'''Amelia''': Drifting serial killers do that.
:'''Sam''': Fair enough.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Maker''': You're right. I've been here so, so long, Benny. Seen all the outcomes, all the patterns a trillion times. It all means so little. This universe is a pyramid of despair, nothing else.
:'''Benny''': A little dark.
:'''The Maker''': I am evil, after all. At least I've had that much to keep me cold at night.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 8)#ep155|Southern Comfort]]'' [8.06]==
:'''Sam''': Hold up. Are you the new Bobby?
:'''Dean''': ''(to Sam)'' You shut your mouth.
:'''Garth''': Yeah.
:'''Dean''': ''(to Garth)'' You shut your mouth. What?!?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': I was in Purgatory.
:'''Garth''': Like the Purgatory Purgatory?
:'''Dean''': No, the one in Miami.
:'''Garth''': Man, that's balls
:'''Dean''': That's not how you say &quot;balls.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': What, you--you were a dentist?
:'''Garth''': Yeah, just for like, for a hot minute. Where did you think I got my first case?
:'''Dean''': Let me guess--Tooth Fairy.
:'''Garth''': Yeah. Man, I felt terrible when I ganked that SOB.
:'''Sam''': Uh, you killed the Toothy Fairy?
:'''Garth''': Yeah, man. I mean, not my proudest moment. But it happened.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': So first, the mom goes Natural Born Killer, and now the son? Well, what do we got--a ghost with an Oedipus complex? ''(Sam stares)'' I don't know what that means.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': You never even wanted this life. Always blamed me for pulling you back into it.... Everything you've ever done since you climbed into my ride has been to deceive me.
:'''Sam''': What do you want me to say? That I've made mistakes? I've made mistakes, Dean.
:'''Garth''': That's not Dean, Sam.
:'''Dean''': Mistakes? Well, let's go through some of Sammy's greatest hits. Drinking demon blood? Check. Being in cahoots with Ruby? Not telling me that you lost your soul? Or how about running around with Samuel for a whole year, letting me think that you were dead while you were doing all kinds of crazy? Those aren't mistakes, Sam. Those are choices!
:'''Sam''': Alright, you said. We've both played a little fast and loose.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, I might have lied. But I never once betrayed you. I never once left you to die. And for what? A girl? You left me to die for a girl?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Own up to your crap, Dean. I told you from the jump where I was coming from, why I didn't look for you. But you - you had secrets. You had Benny! And you got on your high and mighty and you've been kicking me ever since you got back. But that's over. So move on, or I will!

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 8)#ep156|A Little Slice of Kevin]]'' [8.07]==
:'''Dean''': Hey.
:'''Sam''': You look like you've--well, I was gonna say, &quot;You look like you've seen a ghost&quot;, but you'd probably be stoked.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kevin''': Mom! You've got to stop drowning me in holy water every time I go out!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kevin''': ''[Deciphering the stone tablet]'' The next is... &quot;The demonic influence on the collective tapestry of the soul.&quot;
:'''Crowley''': Blah blah blah. Doesn't anyone ever edit this stuff? So far as a writer, God's a snooze. No fun at parties, I hear.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kevin''': From, the archangel... Metatron.
:'''Crowley''': The scribe... and suck-up. Took down God's word, picked up His cleaning.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''': It's all very West Side Story, but let's be logical. You look like hell, and I should know.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 8)#ep157|Hunteri Heroici]]'' [8.08]==
:'''Dean''': What's the word, Cass?
:'''Castiel''': It's a shortened version of my name.
:'''Dean''': Yes, it is. I mean what's the word on The Word?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': ''[Examining the victim's body]'' I can't sense any EMF or sulphur. Mr. Freleng's arterial health is, uh... excellent. ''[Castiel leans over and sniffs the body]'' Mm. He did recently suffer from a... mild, uh... ''[sniffs]'' what is that... ''[He smells the body again]'' bladder infection. 
:'''Dean''': Cass. Stop smelling the dead guy.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': ''[to Dean quietly]'' I'll, uh, I'll handle this. I've done research. I can crack her. 
:'''Castiel''': Now... Miss Freleng... I don't wanna bother you. I-I really don't. But, I-I do have just one question for you. ''[He suddenly slams his hand on the table top and everyone jumps]'' Castiel: WHY DID YOU KILL YOUR HUSBAND?! 
:'''Dean''': Agent Stills.. A word, please. 
:'''Castiel''': ''[Moves over to Dean]'' What? I was being bad cop. 
:'''Dean Winchester''': You were being bad ''everything''!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': She's right, you know. I mean, the whole heart jumping out of a guy's chest. The delayed fall. That's straight-up Bugs Bunny.
:'''Castiel''': So, we're looking for some sort of insect-rabbit hybrid? How do we kill it?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Cass, you gonna book a room or what? 
:'''Castiel''': No, I'll stay here. 
:'''Dean''': Oh, okay.. Yeah. We'll have a slumber party, you can braid Sam's hair. Where you gonna sleep? 
:'''Castiel''': I don't sleep. 
:'''Dean''': Okay.. Well, I need my four hours. So- 
:'''Castiel''': I'll watch over you.
:'''Dean''': That's not gonna happen.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': All right, well, let's gear up. It's wabbit season.
:'''Castiel''': I don't think you pronounced that correctly.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Cass. Let's go.
:'''Castiel''': ''[interrogating a cat]'' I've almost cracked him.
:'''Dean''': Now.
:'''Castiel''': Hey, I'm not through with you. 
:'''Cat''': ''[behind Castiel's back]'' Dumbass!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Caption''': Dean Winchester (Hunterus Heroicus); Dr. Mahoney (Grotesques Villainus)

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Look, it can be nice living in a dream world. It can be great. I know that. And you can hide, and you can pretend all the crap out there doesn't exist, but you can't do it forever because... Eventually, whatever it is you're running from.. It'll find you. It'll come along, and it'll punch you in the gut. And then... Then you gotta wake up! Because if you don't, then trying to keep that dream alive will destroy you! It'll destroy ''everything''!

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 8)#ep158|Citizen Fang]]'' [8.09]==
:'''Dean''': You put 'Mostly-Okay' Martin on Benny? What is mostly-okay doing hunting at all?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Benny''': Rogue vamp. Came into the cafe a couple nights ago, youngster, goes by the name of Desmond. He, uh, remembers me from the good old days.
:'''Dean''': Good old days?
:'''Benny''': I know it's hard to believe, but I haven't always been this cute and cuddly.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Dean''': Every relationship I have ever had has gone to crap at some point. But the one thing I can say about Benny, he has never let me down.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Sam''': ''[to Amelia]'' I don’t want to do the right thing. I mean, this is the right thing, you and me, and maybe I’m going to Hell for saying this, but I’m not ready to give this up.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Dean''': ''[to Benny]'' Guys like us, we don’t get a home, you know. We don’t get family.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 8)#ep159|Torn and Frayed]]'' [8.10]==
:'''Dean''': So who snatched Heaven's most adorable angel? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''': What on earth could you possibly need now, Viggo? I've given you every torture instrument known to man. Short of a Neil Diamond album.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Amelia''': Look last night at the bar.I just wanted to make sure it was you.You know, peeping into my window.
:'''Sam''': &quot;Peeping&quot;. You make it sound so,uh...
:'''Amelia''': Stalkerish.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 8)#ep160|LARP and the Real Girl]]'' [8.11]==
:'''Sam''': But the medical examiner said his body showed clear signs that he was killed by belladonna.
:'''Dean and Charlie''': [[w:Belladonna (actress)|The porn star]]?
:'''Sam''': The poison.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': I'm noticing a lot of these maidens are checking you out.
:'''Charlie''': What? I can't shut this down.  It's good to be the queen.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 8)#ep161|As Time Goes By]]'' [8.12]==
:'''Dean''': Dudes time traveling through motel room closets, that's what we've come to?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Henry Winchester''': You're also Winchesters.  As long as we're alive, there's always hope.  I didn't know my son as a man, but having met you two, I know I would have been proud of him.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 8)#ep162|Everybody Hates Hitler]]'' [8.13]==

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean:''' ''(surprised)'' Sammy, I think we found the Bat Cave.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Torvald:''' ''(defiantly)'' Long Live The Thule! ''(the Golem snaps his neck)''
:'''Dean:''' Or not!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam and Dean''': ''[they set a body on fire to cremate it]''
:'''Aaron''': Oh my god! These guys are psychopaths!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Golem''': This boy knows nothing, observes none of the mitzvahs, labors on the Sabbath, dines on swine...
:'''Aaron''': Everybody loves bacon!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Well, now we know.  Paper beats Golem, fire beats undead Nazi zombie freaks.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 8)#ep163|Trial and Error ]]'' [8.14]==
:'''Dean''': I've got this killer mattress.  Memory foam.  It remembers me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': We've been down roads like this before, man.  With Yellow Eyes, Lucifer, Dick Friggin Roman ... we both know where this ends: one of us dies.  Or worse.
:'''Sam''': So you just up and decided it's going to be you.
:'''Dean''': I'm a grunt, Sam. You're not.  You've always been the brains of this operation.  And you told me yourself, you see a way out.  You see a light at the end of this ugly ass tunnel.  I don't.  But I tell you what I do know, is that I'm going to die with a gun in my hand.  Because that's what I have waiting for me, that's all I have waiting for me.  I '''want''' you to get out.  I '''want'''you to have a life, become a Man of Letters, whatever.  You with a wife, kids, and grandkids, livin' til you're fat and bald and chugging Viagra.  That is my perfect ending and it's the only one I'm gonna get.  So I'm gonna do these trials and I'm gonna do them alone.  End of story. You're staying here, I'm going out there. If landshark comes knocking, you call me. If you try to follow me, I'll put a bullet in your damn leg.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Closing the gates. It's a suicide mission for you.  I want to slam hell shut too, okay? But I want to survive it.  I want to live.  And so should you.  You have friends up here, family, hell, you even got your own room now! You were right, kay? I see light at the end of the tunnel and I'm sorry you don't.  I am.  But it's there.  And if you come with me, I can take you to it.
:'''Dean''': Sam, be smart.
:'''Sam''': I am.  And so are you.  You're not a grunt, Dean, you're a genius.  When it comes to lore, you're the best damn hunter I've ever seen.  Better than me, better than Dad.  I believe in you, Dean, so please, please, believe in me too.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 8)#ep164|Man's Best Friend With Benefits]]'' [8.15]==

:'''Sam''': I'm sorry, but I think Shemp was a funnier Stooge than Curly.
:'''Dean''': Curly was a freakin' genius.
:'''Sam''': I always found Curly's work a bit obvious.
:'''Dean''': It's supposed to be obvious, man! It's The Three Stooges!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': ''[to Dean]'' By the way, I gotta hand it to you.  It's been fifteen hours since Portia mentioned her ... night with James and not one bestiality joke out of you.

&lt;hr width='''50%'''&gt;
:'''Sam''': Ok, before you get pissed off, it isn't my fault. She just showed up at the door, didn't track any mud in, just wanted a belly scratch. I figured maybe she can stay the night and we'd find her a home in the morning?
:''[They enter the room. The dog that Sam let in has now turned into a beautiful woman in a black dress.]'' 
:'''Dean''': She can stay the night.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Of course, he's got the booga booga on his side.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Well, kids, don't try this at home.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Or it wouldn’t be the first free pass we’ve given, Dean.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 8)#ep165|Remember the Titans]]'' [8.16]==
:'''Dean''': I got to say, I'm a little disappointed.
:'''Sam''':Yeah, because you wanted to shoot zombies.
:'''Dean:''' Damn straight I wanted to shoot some zombies.

&lt;hr width = &quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Sam''':Uhh... we need to think. Dean, what do we know of that has...uh, Jason Bourne fighting skills, dies a lot, and has a history with violent women?
:'''Dean''':I don't know--you?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': (after being referred to as 'Ghostbusters') Well, due to the fact that your son is currently, albeit temporarily, dead, I'm gonna let that one slide.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Artemis:''' ''[prepares to shoot Zeus with one of her arrows]'' You ''were'' once my father. Now your somebody else. ''[fires but Zeus pulls Prometheus in the way]''
:'''Zeus:''' ''[to Prometheus]'' I never grow tired of watching you die! Your boy is going on the mountain.
:''[Prometheus shoves the arrow through himself and into Zeus, killling them both in a blast of electricity]''

&lt;hr width= &quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dean''': Cass, you got your ears on? Listen, you know I am not one for praying, 'cause in my book it's... it's the same as begging. But this is about Sam, so I need you to hear me. We are going into this deal blind... and I don't now what's ahead. Or what it's gonna bring for Sam. Now, he's covering pretty good, but I know that he is hurting, and this one was supposed to be on me.So, for all that we've been through, I'm asking you... you keep a lookout for my little brother, okay?

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 8)#ep166|Goodbye Stranger]]'' [8.17]==
:''[Sam, Dean and Castiel rescue the demons' &quot;hostage&quot; and find it to be Meg]''
:'''Meg:''' Aren't you a little short to be a storm trooper?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Meg:''' Hi, I'm Meg. I'm a demon.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Meg:''' Do I look like Google to you?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Meg:''' ''[to Sam]'' You know, I get why Crowley calls you &quot;Moose&quot; now.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Sam and Dean climb into the Impala and prepare to take off]''
:'''Meg:''' ''[to Crowley]'' No Cass in the backseat. Your stone is long gone!
:''[Meg stabs Crowley in the shoulder with an angel sword, slightly injuring him. In retaliation, Crowley stabs Meg in the stomach with his own angel sword, killing her.]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Meg:''' Why are you so sweet at me Clarence?
:'''Castiel:''' I don't know. And I still don't know who Clarence is.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean:''' Listen, Sam, I may not be able to carry the burden that comes along with these trials, but I can carry you.
:'''Sam:''' You realize that you kind of just quoted &quot;Lord of the rings&quot;, right?
:'''Dean:''' But come on man, it's the Rudy hobbit, and the Rudy hobbit always gets a pass. ''[Sam laughing]'' Shut up.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 8)#ep167|Freaks and Geeks]]'' [8.18]==
:'''Sam:''' And I just wanted to make sure you're okay.
:'''Dean:''' What like my feelings?
:'''Sam:''' If that's what you want to talk about, sure.
:'''Dean:''' Okay. I'll tell you what. Why don't I go get some, uh, herbal tea.
:'''Sam:''' Okay.
:'''Dean:''' And you can find some Cowboy Junkies on the dial.
:'''Sam:''' Eat me, Dean.
:''[Sam gets out of the Impala]''
:'''Dean:''' And you know what? We'll just talk it out.
:'' [Sam slams the Impala door.]''
:'''Dean:''' Good talk.
:'' [Dean gets out of the Impala and starts walking after Sam]''
:'''Dean:''' Nay, great talk! Very healthy!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sheriff:''' FBI? You're here about the Lady Killer Murders, aren't you?
:'''Sam:''' The Lady Killer Murders?
:'''Sheriff:''' Yeah, coined it myself.
:'''Dean:''' Congratulations.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean:''' Look, last time I'm gonna ask you nicely. Take the damn guns off me, or somebody's gonna get hurt.
:'''Aiden:''' Big talk.
:'' [Dean easily disarms Aiden.]''
:'''Dean:''' I know. It is, isn't it?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Krissy''' You're all right for an old guy.
:'''Dean:''' I'm really not that old.
:'''Krissy''' You keep telling yourself that.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 8)#ep168|Taxi Driver]]'' [8.19]==
:''(Sam and Dean interrogate a Crossroads Demon for a way to sneak into Hell)''
:'''Crossroads Demon:''' I can't, its a secret.
:'''Dean:''' We promise we won't tell anyone.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam:''' You knew somehow, right?
:'''Bobby:''' Took a chance. 50/50

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby:''' What the hell is this?
:'''Sam:''' All right, don't get all pissed off. Purgatory.
:'''Bobby:''' Balls!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''(Sam enters into Hell and he sees countless human souls being tortured)''
:'''Flayed woman:''' Kindness... please?
:'''Jailed man:''' Heaven? Heaven? Heaven?
:''(Sam comes to a dark cell which has a young woman in)''
:'''Woman:''' You came. I knew you would. I've been praying... for so long.
:'''Sam:''' No. No, I'm not Him. I'm sorry.
:'''Woman:''' No. ''(She comes into the light'') You came. I knew you would. I've been praying... for so long.
:''(Sam, confused, walks down the corridor, the woman repeats her prayer)''
:'''Woman:''' You came. I knew you would. I've been praying... for so long.
:''(Sam enters a gloomy, dank cell. Bobby's ghost is standing there facing the wall)''
:'''Sam:''' Bobby?
:''(Bobby slowly, miserably turns around, sees Sam and punches him out)''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Benny:'''  Truth is, uh... I could use a break from all this.
:'''Dean:''' It really been that tough?
:'''Benny:'''  I'm not a good fit, Dean. Not with vampires and, for sure, not with the humans. I don't belong. And after a while... that starts to wear on you. Right?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby:''' Dean spent a year in this place?
:'''Sam:''' Running and fighting, all day, every day.
:'''Bobby:''' Must have been hell on you not being able to get him out all that time. You did try?
:'''Sam:''' Look, Bobby, Dean and I had an agreement, okay?
:'''Bobby:''' I know that agreement. I taught you that agreement. That's a non-agreement. I get the feeling a lot must have happened while I was gone.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby:''' If they give me a rocking chair up there, I'm raising hell.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 8)#ep169|Pac-Man Fever]]'' [8.20]==
:'''Dean:''' Y... ''[looks up and see Sam's scruffy hair]'' Man, I'm telling you, give me five minutes with some clippers, and... 

&lt;hr the=5 00 3%&gt;
:'' [Dean throws Sam a bottle of beer, Sam fails to react and the beer shatters on the floor.]'' 
:'''Sam:''' I'm sorry, I, uh... 
:'''Dean:''' That's why we don't have nice things, Sam. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Charlie:''' Wow. That is some meta madness. Thanks for saving the world and stuff. ''[turns to Sam]'' Sorry you have zero luck with the ladies.
:'''Sam''' Wha- we need to find every single copy of those books and burn them.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': ''[regarding Charlie's monster-filled iPad]''  I hate that. thing...I want one.
:''[later]''
:'''Charlie''': ''[regarding John Winchester's journal]'' I hate that thing... and I want one.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Charlie:''' Come with me if you want to live! ''(Dean stares at her)'' I've always wanted to say that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Djinn Teenager:''' My mom always told me not to play with my food.
:''(The teenager turns around and Sam stabs him dead)''
:'''Sam:''' Yeah, well maybe you should've listened to your mom!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Charlie:''' I love you.
:'''Dean:''' I know.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Charlie:''' No, you don't understand- you don't understand! I was at this sleepover and I got scared, so... I called my parents to come and get me. They should never have been driving that night.
:'''Dean:''' It wasn't your fault.
:'''Charlie:''' I just want to tell her that I'm sorry- and just have her hear it again. I just need her to hear that one more time. But she can't, she-she can't.
:'''Dean:''' I know. Believe me, I know. 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Charlie:''' One last time, okay? ''(reading from the Hobbit)'' 'In a hole in the ground, there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on, or to eat. It was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort.'

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 8)#ep170|The Great Escapist]]'' [8.21]==
:'''Kevin:''' ''(to the Winchesters via video)'' I'm dead, you bastards! So screw you, screw God, and everybody in-between!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel:''' ''(drinking coffee)'' You know, I remember when you first discovered it. Before you started brewing it, you'd just chew the berries. Folktale is true by the way, you learned it from the goats.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Naomi:''' Where is the angel tablet, Castiel?
:'''Castiel:''' In the words of a... good friend, bite me.
:'''Naomi:''' Oh, we'll bite. Don't worry.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam:''' You remember when, uh... when Dad took us to the bottom of the Grand Canyon on that pack-mule ride?
:'''Dean:''' The what?
:'''Sam:''' And uh-your mule kept farting. Like letting it go, like gale force?
:'''Dean:''' Dude you were like 4 years old, I barely remember it.
:'''Sam:''' ''(laughs)'' You rode a farty donkey.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Naomi:''' How dare you.
:'''Crowley:''' I am the daringest devil you've ever met, love.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley:''' Am I seeing this? How did you figure it out? 
:'''Kevin:''' It started when they forgot the secret knock. But really, it... it was the way they acted. I don't think on their best day Sam and Dean would go into town and get me a barbecue dinner, not when there are leftover burritos in the fridge. 
:'''Crowley:''' So... my demons were too polite? 
:'''Kevin:''' Yeah. 
:'''Crowley:''' Well, I'll be a son of a whore. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean:''' So you've been holed up here or... or in a wigwam, or in some cave, listening to stories, reading books?
:'''Metatron:''' And it was something to watch. What you brought to His earth... all the mayhem, the murder, Just the raw, wild invention of God's naked apes... it was mind-blowing. But really, really... it was your storytelling. That is the true flower of free will, at least as you've mastered it so far. When you create stories, you become gods of tiny intricate dimensions unto themselves. So many worlds. I have read as much as it's possible for an angel to read, and I haven't caught up.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean:''' But are you in? With us, I mean.
:'''Metatron:''' You really intend on closing the doors of Hell?
:'''Dean:''' Seems like the thing to do, don't it?
:'''Metatron:''' It's your choice. And that's what this has all been about. The choices your kind make. But you're going to have to weigh that choice. Ask yourself what's it it going to take to do this and what will the world be like after it's done.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kevin:''' You know the Winchesters are up to the third trial? That they're gonna shut the door on Hell?
:'''Crowley:''' I'm not worried, kid.
:''[Kevin picks up the demon tablet.]''
:'''Kevin:''' You have no idea what's on this demon tablet. Right, the power you could have gotten with this, if you weren't running around like a chicken with his head cut off.
:'''Crowley:''' You think I can't make you tell?
:'''Kevin:''' I know you can't. And you do too.
:'''Crowley:'''  You know what? I've already won. I have the angel tablet, you little smudge. And I got deals and plans up the jacksie. ''[he grabs Kevin by the throat]'' And I don't... need... you!
:''[Crowley slams Kevin against the wall and strangles him. Suddenly, Kevin's eyes start glowing white. Increasingly bright light emanates from him until Crowley is thrown back across the boat, hands and face burned.]''

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 8)#ep171|Clip Show]]'' [8.22]==
:'''Dean:''' How you feeling?
:'''Sam:''' Honestly, ummm... my, uh whole body hurts. I feel nauseous and like I'm starving at the same time. And everything smells like rotting meat.
:'''Dean:''' I've had that hangover. Jäger, man.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel:''' I like this bunker. It's orderly.
:'''Sam:''' Oh, give us a few months. Dean wants to get a ping-pong table.
:'''Castiel:''' I've heard of that. It's a game, right?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam:''' Hey, those chains look exactly like the ones in our dungeon. 
:'''Castiel:''' ''[Looking shocked and surprised]'' In your what? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel:''' Where's the pie? 
:'''Chris the Attendant:''' I think we're out. 
:'''Castiel:''' You don't understand... ''[Grabs the attendant]'' I. NEED. PIE! 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Waitress:''' Cool coat.
:'''Castiel:''' No, it's actually quite warm.
:'''Waitress:''' Cute and funny--okay.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam:''' So you really think this'll work?
:'''Dean:''' Dude, we got needles, we got thread. We've seen Young Frankenstein about a thousand times. We're golden.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam:''' How'd you get this number? 
:'''Crowley:''' ''[On Phone]'' Ah, first things first... what are you wearing? 
:'''Dean:''' Oh, okay, hanging up now. Hang up. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''': I'm sexting you an address.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam:''' What the hell are you doing, Crowley? 
:'''Crowley:''' Oh, Moosie, isn't it obvious? I'm killing everyone you've ever saved -- the damsels in distress, the innocent whipper-snappers, the would-be vampire chow -- all of them. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean:''' Son of a bitch!
:'''Crowley:''' Son of a witch, actually. My mommy taught me a few tricks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley:''' What's the line? &quot;Saving people, hunting things. The family business.&quot;

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 8)#ep172|Sacrifice]]'' [8.23]==
:'''Castiel''': What was He like?
:'''Metatron''': Who? (looks up) God? Pretty much what you'd expect, really. Gruff, larger than life, bit of a sexist, but fair! Eminently fair. (looks at Castiel firmly) The Nephilim was a monster, Castiel.
:'''Castiel''': ...and the next Trial?
:'''Metatron''': (points across road) Across the street. His name's Dwight Charles. I've bee listening in on the angel radio. Cupid's frequency actually. And he is the next on their list.
:'''Castiel''': A list?
:'''Metatron''': To do the horizontal mumbo. Slap-buddies. (Castiel is confused) To find love! He is going to be zinged by Cupid's arrow within twenty-four hours, which is good for us, because the Second Trial is retrieving Cupid's Bow.
:'''Castiel''': No killing?
:'''Metatron''': No killing.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''(The brothers are doing a deal with Crowley)''
:'''Crowley''': Hello boys. What's that old expression? Success has many fathers, failure is a Winchester. Where's the stone?
:'''Dean''': You show us yours, and we'll show you ours.
:'''Crowley''': Really Dean, I'm trying to conduct a professional deal here, and you want to talk dangley bits? THE STONE! (Sam shows him their tablet) Wow, wow, slowly! There she is. (he shows them his tablet)
:'''Dean''': And the contract? (Crowley throws an extremely long piece of parchment) Yeah, I'm sure there's no hidden agendas in there!
:'''Crowley''': The highlights: We swap tablets, and you stand down from the Trials forever.
:'''Sam''': And you stop killing everyone we've ever saved.
:'''Crowley''': Agreed. (Dean pulls out a pen) Uh, uh, uh, nice try squirrel. [[Wikipedia:Sam Winchester|Moose]] is doing his Trials, Moose signs.
:'''Dean''': No, he's not signing anything until I read the fine print!
:'''Sam''': No, I can read it!
:'''Dean''': You wanted me here, I'm here. But I'll be damned if I'll let him screw us even more!
:'''Crowley''': What's this? Trouble in paradise?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean:''' Oh what, and leave you here with the King of Hell?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[The church doors burst open as Abaddon enters.]'' 
:'''Abaddon''': Hello, boys. 
:'''Crowley''': That's my line. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''': You did good back there, Moose. Yeah, I'll deny it i-if you ever quote me... but- but, man. I'm proud of you. 
:'''Sam''': [picks up a spray-paint can] Thanks. 
:'''Crowley''': Hold on. Uh, w-what's that? 
:'''Sam''': It's what it looks like. ''[Sam sprays over the gap in the Devil's Trap]''
:'''Crowley''': Are you joking? I just saved your life. 
:'''Sam''': ''[Chuckles]'' Seriously? 
:'''Crowley''': &quot;Seriously?&quot; ''Me'', &quot;Seriously?&quot; We just shared a foxhole, you and I! We beat back the Tet Offensive, outrun the... the Rape of Nanking, together! And still you're going to do me like ''this?!'' 
:'''Sam''': ''[Sam injects Crowley a sixth time]'' 
:'''Crowley''': ''[Crowley winces]'' Aah! Aah!.. &quot;Band of Brothers&quot;? &quot;The Pacific&quot;? None of this means anything to you?! All those motels, you never once watched HBO? Not once?! &quot;Girls&quot;! 
:'''Sam''': ''[Sam looks at Crowley with a confused look]'' 
:'''Crowley''': You're my Marnie, Moose. A-and Hannah, she just.. she ''needs'' to be loved. She deserves it. Don't we all? You, me? We deserve to be loved. ''[Shouts]''I deserve to be loved!!!! 
:'''Crowley''': ''[softly]'' I just want to be loved... 
:'''Sam''': ''[really confused]'' What? 
:'''Crowley''': What? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Dean holds his hands up, walks slowly toward Sam.]'' 
:'''Dean''': Easy there. Okay. Just take it easy. We got a slight change of plan. 
:'''Sam''': What? What's going on? Where's Cas?! 
:'''Dean''': Metatron lied. You finish this trial, you're dead, Sam. 
:'''Sam''': So? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': I can't do it with out you
:'''Sam''': You can barely do it ''with me''. I mean, you think I screw up everything I try. You think I need a chaperone, remember?
:'''Dean''': Come on, man. That's not what I meant.
:'''Sam''': No it's ''exactly'' what you meant.
:'''Sam''': You want to know what I confessed in there? What my greatest sin was? It was how many times I let you down. I can't do that again! 
:'''Dean''': Sam... 
:'''Sam''': ''[Starts to tear up]'' What happens when you've decided I can't be trusted again? I mean, who are you gonna turn to next time instead of me? Another angel, another... another ''vampire''? Do you have any idea what it feels like to watch your brother just... 
:'''Dean''': Hold on, hold on! ''[Sam cries a bit more]'' You seriously think that? Because none of it... ''none'' of it... is true. Listen, man, I know we've had our disagreements, okay? Hell, I know I've said some junk that set you back on your heels. But, Sammy...come on. I killed ''Benny'' to save you. I'm willing to let this bastard and all the sons of bitches that killed mom ''walk'' because of you. Don't you dare think that there is anything, past or present, that I would put in front of you! It has never been like that, ever! I need you to see that. I'm begging you.
''[Sam is breathing heavily and looks down at his glowing arm in pain. He sniffles a bit.]'' 
:'''Sam''': How do I stop?
:'''Dean''': ''[Dean starts walking towards Sam]'' Just let it go.
:'''Sam''': I can't.. It's in me, Dean. You don't know what this feels like.
''[Dean takes out a cloth and wraps Sam's bleeding hand]'' 
:'''Dean''': Hey, listen.. We will figure it out, okay? Just like we always do... Come on. 
''[Sam and Dean hug]''

==Cast==
*[[w:Jared Padalecki|Jared Padalecki]] as [[w:Sam Winchester|Sam Winchester]] 
*[[w:Jensen Ackles|Jensen Ackles]] as [[w:Dean Winchester|Dean Winchester]]
*[[w:Misha Collins|Misha Collins]] as [[w:Castiel_(Supernatural)|Castiel]]
*[[w:Mark A. Sheppard|Mark A. Sheppard]] as [[w:Crowley|Crowley]]
*[[w:Jim Beaver|Jim Beaver]] as [[w:Bobby Singer|Bobby Singer]]
*[[w:Rachel Miner|Rachel Miner]] as [[w:Meg Masters|Meg Masters]]
*[[w:Amanda Tapping|Amanda Tapping]] as [[w:Naomi (Supernatural)|Naomi]]
*[[w:Curtis Armstrong|Curtis Armstrong]] as [[w:Metatron (Supernatural)|Metatron]]
*[[w:Osric Chau|Osric Chau]] as [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Kevin Tran|Kevin Tran]]
*[[w:Liane Balaban|Liane Balaban]] as [http://supernatural.wikia.com/wiki/Amelia_Richardson Amelia Richardson]
*[[w:Ty Olsson|Ty Olsson]] as [http://supernatural.wikia.com/wiki/Benny_Lafitte Benny Lafitte]
*[[w:Alaina Huffman|Alaina Huffman]] as [http://supernatural.wikia.com/wiki/Abaddon Abaddon]
*[[w:Tyler Johnston (actor)|Tyler Johnston]] as [[w:Characters_of_Supernatural#Samandriel|Samandriel / Alfie]]
*[[w:Felicia Day|Felicia Day]] as [http://supernatural.wikia.com/wiki/Charlie_Bradbury Charlie Bradbury]
*[[w:Lauren Tom|Lauren Tom]] as [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Linda Tran|Linda Tran]]
*[[w:Jon Gries|Jon Gries]] as [http://supernatural.wikia.com/wiki/Martin_Creaser Martin Creaser]
*[[w:Gil McKinney|Gil McKinney]] as [http://supernatural.wikia.com/wiki/Henry_Winchester Henry Winchester]
*[http://www.imdb.com/name/nm3028348/bio Madison McLaughlin] as [http://supernatural.wikia.com/wiki/Krissy_Chambers Krissy Chambers]
*[[w:DJ Qualls|DJ Qualls]] as [[w:Characters_of_Supernatural#Garth_Fitzgerald_IV|Garth Fitzgerald IV]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{imdb title|0460681|Supernatural}}
*[http://www.supernaturalwiki.com Supernatural Wiki]
*[http://www.supernaturaltv.info Watch Supernatural]

{{center|'''Season'''&amp;nbsp; [[Supernatural (season 1)|1]] • [[Supernatural (season 2)|2]] • [[Supernatural (season 3)|3]] • [[Supernatural (season 4)|4]] • [[Supernatural (season 5)|5]] • [[Supernatural (season 6)|6]] • [[Supernatural (season 7)|7]] • [[Supernatural (season 8)|8]] • [[Supernatural (season 9)|9]] • [[Supernatural (season 10)|10]] • [[Supernatural (American TV series)|Main]]}}

[[Category:Supernatural (U.S. TV series) seasons]]</text>
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    <title>Supernatural (season 9)</title>
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'''''[[Supernatural (American TV series)|Supernatural]]''''' (2005–2020) is a paranormal/horror/thriller/drama-themed television series on the WB Television Network (now merged with UPN into the new network The CW) that details the lives of two brothers who travel across the country in a black 1967 Chevy Impala investigating paranormal events and other unexplained occurrences.&amp;nbsp; '''[[w:Supernatural (season 9)|Season nine]]''' originally aired from 8 October 2013 to 20 May 2014.

{{center|'''Season'''&amp;nbsp; [[Supernatural (season 1)|1]] • [[Supernatural (season 2)|2]] • [[Supernatural (season 3)|3]] • [[Supernatural (season 4)|4]] • [[Supernatural (season 5)|5]] • [[Supernatural (season 6)|6]] • [[Supernatural (season 7)|7]] • [[Supernatural (season 8)|8]] • [[Supernatural (season 9)|9]] • [[Supernatural (season 10)|10]] • [[Supernatural (American TV series)|Main]]}}

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 9)#ep173|I Think I'm Gonna Like It Here]]'' [9.01]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': You’re a doctor. You’re a medical professional. You’re trying to tell me that my brother’s life is in God’s hands? What, is that supposed to be a comfort? God has nothing to do with this equation at all.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Just because you’re dying doesn't mean you’re dead, not yet, OK? We have jimmied ourselves out of worse. We’re gonna fight this. I got the plan, you just need to hang on.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': If you’re you, but you’re really me, and you’re the part of me that wants to fight to live.
:'''Dean''': Yes. I have no idea what you just said, but continue.  

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Biker (to Castiel)''': I'm going to finish the call, then I'm gonna stab you.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean (to Castiel)''': There is a war on, and it’s on you. There’s thousands of them out there. You said you lost your Grace. That means you’re human. That means you bleed and you read and you sleep and all the things you never had to worry about before.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Cass, you there? Sammy's hurt - he's hurt pretty bad. And I know that you think that I am pissed at you. But I don't care that the angels fell. So whatever you did, or didn't, do, we'll work it out. Please man, I need you here.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': I've got the King of Hell in my trunk.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Death''': ''[to Sam]'' I consider it to be quite the honor to be collecting the likes of Sam Winchester. I try so hard not to pass judgment at times like this, not my bag, you see, but you? Well played, my boy.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': ''[to Death]'' I need to know one thing. If I go with you, can you promise that this time it will be final? I mean, if I’m dead, I stay dead. Nobody can reverse it, nobody can deal it away, and nobody else can get hurt because of me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby''': All the good you’ve done? All the people you’ve saved? All the sacrifices you’ve made? You’ve saved the world, son. How many people can say that? How many people can say that they have left this God-forsaken hunk of dirt that a much better place? What you call dying, I call leaving a legacy

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': We keep it a secret for now. Or until Sam’s well enough that he doesn’t need an angelic pacemaker. Or I find a way to tell him.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': You’ve been driving around with me passed out in the passenger seat for a day?
:'''Dean''': I mean, I stopped. Let a few Japanese tourists take some pictures, nobody got too handsy.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': We got work to do

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 9)#ep174|Devil May Care]]'' [9.02]==
:'''Crowley''': Torture? Brilliant. Can't wait to see Sam in stilettos and a leather bustier really putting the S.A.M. into S &amp; M.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Miranda (military lady)''': This is sergeant Miranda Bates. Who am I talking to?
:'''Kevin''': Uhhh.. Kevin... Solo. 
:'''Miranda''': How old are you?
:'''Kevin''': Old enough. And I'm with the FBI, so you have to do what I say or-
:'''Miranda''': Listen, kid. I don't have to do anything. ''[Kevin starts quickly going on his computer]'' And I don't take orders from the Feeb. So unless you can give me one reason you got a couple of pretty-boy agents poking around my crime scene, I'm gonna put them in cuffs and spank your ass raw. Understand? 
:'''Kevin''': Cabo, last June.
:'''Miranda''': What?!
:'''Kevin''': ''[smirks]'' That's my reason. Oh, my favorite's you in a sombrero doing a body shot off some naked guy in a luchador mask. Super classy.
:'''Miranda''': How did you find that?
:'''Kevin''': Cause I'm Kevin frickin' solo.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': You know this is a trap, right? 
:'''Dean''': Yep.
:'''Sam''': And we're just gonna walk right into it?
:'''Dean''': Guns blazing. You with me?
:'''Sam''': ''[Chuckles]'' You know you it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Abaddon''': I so appreciate you boys coming when I call. That's what I like most about you Winchesters. Obedient... and suicidally stupid. I like that, too.
:'''Dean''': We going to fight or make out, 'cause I'm getting some real mixed signals here.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Abaddon''': You know, I've loved this body since the moment I first saw it. You're the perfect vessel Dean. You give a girl all sorts of nasty ideas. So go ahead and play hard to get, and I'll peel off this &quot;no demons allowed&quot; tattoo and blow smoke up your ass.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Look Zeke...I'm gonna call you Zeke
:''' Ezekiel (in Sam's Body)''': [Head tilt]

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': And even with Crowley here, this is the safest place there is. And we need you man.
:'''Kevin''': Because I'm useful.
:'''Dean''': Because you're family. After all the crap that we've been through, after all the good that we've done. Man, if you don't think that we would die for you, I don't know what to tell you. Because you, me, Sam and Cass - we are all we've got.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 9)#ep175|I'm No Angel]]'' [9.03]==
:'''Castiel''': Do you ever tire of urinating...I'll never get used to it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Sam... You here?
:'''Sam''': Hey, Morning.
:'''Dean''': You been outside already?
:'''Sam''': Yeah, Woke up went for a run, beautiful sunrise, anyways cleaned up, went and got breakfast, grabbed you bacon and eggs extra grease not even gonna argue. 
:'''Dean''': Perfect

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': I think it'd be better if you take it easy and didn't act like you were...
:'''Sam/Ezekiel''': ...possessed by an angel? He does feel better, a work in progress of course, but I am slowly healing him.
:'''Dean''': That's great...umm but...
:'''Ezekiel''': I have news, I've picked up chatter among the angels not all are wondering around in confusion.
:'''Dean''': Yeah some of them are after Cass.
:'''Ezekiel''': There is a faction that is rapidly organizing and finding human vessels to contain them.
:'''Dean''': Lead by Naomi?
:'''Ezekiel''': I have not heard that name no but it is this factions leadership that wants Castiel found, you see Dean I can be useful.
:'''Dean''': So can my brother so why don't you go check your email and if I need your help I'll let you know.
:'''Ezekiel''': Dean...
:'''Dean''': ...I said I'll let you know.
:'''Sam''': I mean Cass is human now, it's gonna take him a lot longer to travel
:'''Dean''': I'm gonna get whiplash.
:'''Sam''': What?
:'''Dean''': Nothing.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bartholomew''': Beautiful Buddy. One of your best.
:'''Buddy Boyle''': Oh, well that is a high praise Sir, seeing as your an emissary from that man upstairs himself, Thank you Bart.
:'''Bartholomew''': It's Bartholomew.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Woman''': Let me be a vessel for the divine. I give myself over to you.
:'''Buddy''': Oh, hallelujah.
:'''Bartholomew''': Yes, well if you're certain.
:'''Woman''': ''[She nods. An angel tries to posses her and she explodes]''
:'''Buddy''': Bart!! what the hell?!!
:'''Bartholomew''': Buddy, the simple truth is.. not all who are willing are designed to contain heavens grace. We have to expect a casualty now and then. It's a small price to pay when you think about it.
:'''Buddy''': Like the lamb of the sacrifice.
:'''Bartholomew''': Sure.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': Food. Sleep or passing gas, it's all very strange.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Guy at homeless shelter''': Oh, man, those poor guys were a mess. They must have suffered bad.. But at least now they're with angels.
:'''Dean''': I sure as hell hope not

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Where does hedonism come into it?
:'''Castiel''': Well, my time with April was very educational.
:'''Sam''': Yeah. I mean, I would think being killed is something. ''[Chuckles]''
:'''Castiel''': And having sex.
:'''Dean''': ''[Dean chokes on his food. Sam and Dean look surprised]'' You had sex with April?
:'''Sam''': Yeah, that would be where the hedonism comes in.
:'''Dean''': ''[to Sam]'' Shh 
:'''Castiel''': ''[nods]''
:'''Dean''': ''[Chuckles]'' So..Did you have protection?
:'''Castiel''': I had my angel blade.
:'''Dean''': oh- ''[turns to Sam]'' Oh, he had the angel blade.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 9)#ep176|Slumber Party]]'' [9.04]==
:'''Charlie''': I took down a teenage vampire and a ghost. ...Which sounds like a Y.A. novel when you say it out loud.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! S-spoilers. I haven't read all the books yet.
:'''Dean''': You're gonna read the books?
:'''Sam''': Yes, Dean. I like to read books -- you know, the ones without pictures.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Well, I'm sorry I haven't hung up the, uh, &quot;Hang in there, kitty&quot; poster yet, Dean.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Charlie''': Holy crap! The first case investigated in this bunker involved Dorothy. She and the witch came into this room, and they never came out. This will never stop blowing my mind!
:'''Dean''': Okay, pace yourself, Toto.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Charlie''': ''(after learning that several things from the ''Oz'' books are wrong)'' Stop ruining my childhood!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''': ''[to witch]'' Hello, darling. ''(the witch slightly burns herself trying to pass a warding sign)'' Sorry. This litter box is warded against everything, even wicked witches. Big fan. Love your work.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''': ''(whistling Somewhere Over The Rainbow)''
:''(Sam and Dean walk slowly into the room with their guns, wary of the wicked witch)''
:'''Crowley''': Wow. If it isn't the Scarecrow and the Tin Man.. Your new house guest- so misunderstood. ''[Sam and Dean don't reply]'' Neither of you saw &quot;Wicked&quot;?
:'''Sam''': What did she say to you?
:'''Crowley''': Something along the lines of.. ''[hisses]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''(Charlie and Dean are looking for the key to Oz)''
:'''Charlie''': ''(looking at the first edition of Voluptuous Asian Lovelies)'' You keep your porn meticulously organized, but not--
:'''Dean''': Don't judge me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Charlie''': ''[Comes back to life up after being dead]'' Merry christmas. 
:'''Dean''': Charlie?
:'''Charlie''': ''[looks over at Dean]'' Uh. Hey, I know you. 
:'''Dean''': I told you to stay in the dungeon.
:'''Charlie''': ''[Chuckles]'' Bet you say that to all the girls.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Charlie''': ''(to the Witch)'' Now heel! ''(stabs the Witch in the head with the heel of the Ruby Slippers, killing her)''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Charlie''': ''(to Sam and Dean after killing the Witch)'' Ding Dong, Bitches!

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 9)#ep177|Dog Dean Afternoon]]'' [9.05]==
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': All right, well, let's keep digging. [The camera focuses on an owl.] But, uh, not here. I don't like the way that one's looking at me. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Always knew I'd find the source of all evil at a vegan bakery. 
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': What's that smell? 
:'''Dean''': Patchouli. Yeah, mixed with depression from meat deprivation. 
:'''Sam''': Hmm. 
:'''Dean''': Hey. You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people. And douchebags. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': ''(after learning he is taking on dog-like traits)'' Ruh-roh!

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 9)#ep178|Heaven Can't Wait]]'' [9.06]==
:'''[[w:Sam Winchester|Sam]]''': Well, maybe if we can decipher the footnotes, then we can reverse the spell and... 
:'''[[w:Dean Winchester|Dean]]''': Punt those winged dicks back to heaven.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Castiel is on a ladder, changing a fluorescent tube bulb..]'' 
:'''Nora''': Hey, Steve? I found this in the supply closet. (She holds up a plastic bag) Do you know whose it is? 
:'''Castiel''': Um... (comes down from the ladder) That's mine. Thanks. 
:'''Nora''': I also found a rolled-up sleeping bag behind the tool locker. 
:'''Castiel''': Yes, (thinking fast) I wanted to be thorough with inventory, so I worked late last week, and taking a nap here was easier than going back home to my bed. Which I-I have, of course – a bed...and a home. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': I'm just saying we're not keeping him chained up for the one-liners. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': My Grace is gone. What did you expect? Do you have any idea how hard it was? When I fell to earth, I didn't just lose my powers. I – I had nothing. Now... I'm a sales associate

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Wow. So you went from fighting … heavenly battles to nuking taquitos? 
:'''Castiel''': (nodding) Nachos too.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''': If you don't connect me Abaddon right away, I'll be forced to -
:'''Sam''': What is it? What happened?
:'''Crowley''': I've been placed on hold.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 9)#ep179|Bad Boys]]'' [9.07]==
:'''Dean''': Hey, kid, what are you doing in here by yourself? 
:'''Kid''': Fighting monsters. 
:'''Dean''': What kind of monsters? 
:'''Kid''': All sorts, with Bruce the monster smasher. (He holds up his action figure doll.) 
:'''Dean''': Hm. Is that a cape? Little impractical for smashing monsters, huh? You know, you could choke— 
:''[The kid activates the doll which says &quot;I clobber evil!&quot;]''
:'''Dean''': (chuckles slightly) I bet you do. (holds out his hand) I'm Dean. 
:'''Kid''': Timmy. (shakes hand) 
:'''Dean''':Let's try that again. If you're gonna be a man, you got to learn how to shake like one, okay? So give me your best Kung Fu grip. Good. (They shake again.) Now look me straight in the eye. Let me know that you mean business. Shake as hard as you can. (Shake again.) That's it. You shake like that, you'll be all right.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Hey! Either of you touch him ever again, I'm gonna go all Guantánamo on you. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Young Robin''': What's your dad do? 
:'''Young Dean''': Boring stuff. 
:'''Young Robin''': Do you like it? 
:'''Young Dean''': (shakes his head) No, not really. But my dad expects me to follow in his footsteps. So I've kind of gotten used to it.  
:'''Young Robin''': Yeah. I - I get it. My pops wants me to take over the diner? But that's not happening. So, what do you really want to do? 
:''[Dean hesitates.]''
:'''Young Robin''': (continues) I want to be a photographer and see the world, go to strange lands, eat crazy food. 
:'''Young Dean''': I want to be a rock star, but... I also really like cars. 
:'''Young Robin''': Being a mechanic seems rough. 
:'''Young Dean''': What? No, no. Not at all. Cars are freaking cool as hell. Fixing them is like … a puzzle, and the best part is when you're done, they leave, and you're not responsible for them any more. 
:'''Young Robin''': (Kisses Dean, he seems shocked.) Have you kissed many girls? 
:'''Young Dean''': What? Yeah. Of course. Lots. 
:'''Young Robin''': Really? (She grabs his collar) Well, I guess we'll just have to keep practising. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Young Dean is fastening a tie.]''
:'''Sonny''': Oh, look at you. You clean up good! 
:'''Young Dean''': Thank you. You know, uh ... I've never actually been to one of these school dances before. 
:'''Sonny''': Yeah. Look, about that, Dean, your old man's outside … and, man, he's really something. I tried to tell him what a big night it was for you, Dean, and ask him if he could come back later, but he just said to tell you he had a job, said you'd know what that means. 
:''[Young Dean tries to hold back tears.]'' 
:'''Sonny''': You know, after I got out of jail, this place gave me a second chance, and it's done the same for you, too. 
:''[Young Dean nods.]'' 
:'''Sonny''': So if you want, I'll stick my neck out for you, and I'll fight for you to stay. 
:''[John's car horn honks outside. Young Dean goes to the window to look, and sees a very young-looking Sam holding a spaceship out the window of the car. Young Dean laughs, choked-up, and turns back toward Sonny, holding out his hand. There's a tear trickling out his eye as they shake hands.] '' 
:'''Young Dean''': Sonny... thank you ... for everything. But I have to go.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 9)#ep180|Rock and a Hard Place]]'' [9.08]==
:'''Jody''':   You know, I'm thinking whatever this thing is, it's not going after virgins, even born-again virgins. 
:'''Sam''':  It's taking virgins who break their chastity vow. So dragons are off the list. 
:'''Jody''':   I'm sor-- dragons? Those are a thing? 
:'''Sam''':  Yeah. Too many things are things. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Made me want to join a mariachi band just to be near you. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Suzy''':  You're not like... the other guys in town, are you? You're kind of a... a bad boy. 
:'''Dean''': I don't know. Why don't you ask me that in Spanish? 
:'''Suzy''': ¿Eres un Chico malo? 
:'''Dean ''': Sí 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Tammy''': I'm calling the cops!
:'''Sheriff Jody Mills''': I am the cops!
:'''Tammy''': (after Sheriff punches her and her nose starts bleeding) What the fudge, lady?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vesta''': What's wrong with you? 
:'''Sam''':  [worried and surprised] What? 
:'''Vesta''': Your liver. It's... it's no good. Dear boy, you're all duct tape and safety pins inside. How are you alive?

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 9)#ep181|Holy Terror]]'' [9.09]==
:'''Castiel''':  Didn't you say Sam was healed by an angel named Ezekiel? 
:'''Dean''':  Uh... Yeah, why? 
:'''Castiel''': Ezekiel is dead. 
:'''Dean''':  What? 
:'''Castiel''': He died when the angels fell. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': What's going on? What are you doing? 
:'''Dean''':  I got to tell you some stuff fast. It's gonna piss you off. 
:'''Sam''': Okay. 
:'''Dean''':  Those trials really messed you up. 
:'''Sam''': Yes, I know that, Dea— 
:'''Dean''':   (hurriedly) No, you don't. I mean messed you up like almost dead. No more birthdays, dust to dust. Well, that messed me up, so I made a move, okay, a tough move about you without talking it over because you were in a coma. 
:'''Sam''': Wait, what? When? 
:'''Dean''':  You were in the hospital, okay, and they said you were gonna die. 
:'''Sam''': What did you do? 
:'''Dean''':  ... I let an angel in. 
:'''Sam''': In what? 
:'''Dean''':  In you. He said he could heal you and he is. 
:'''Sam''': He's still in me? Wait. (laughs) That's impossible, Dean. That couldn't happen. I never invited him in. 
:'''Dean''':  I tricked you into saying yes. It seemed like the only way. 
:'''Sam''': (sighs) So... Again. You thought I couldn't handle something, so you took over! 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Dean is rounding the corner into the room, as Kevin screams.]'' 
:'''Dean''':  No! No! No! No! Kevin?! 
:''[Dean runs forward, as Kevin's body drops to the floor.]''
:''[Gadreel; possessing Sam, extends a hand pinning Dean to a wall.]''
:'''Dean''':  Sam? 
:''' Gadreel / Sam ''': There is no more Sam. 
:'''Dean''':  (gasps in pain) 
:''' Gadreel / Sam ''': But, I played him convincingly, I thought. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''' Gadreel / Sam ''':(after killing Kevin) I did what I had to do.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 9)#ep182|Road Trip]]'' [9.10]==
:'''Castiel''':  Dean. If the angel possessing Sam isn't Ezekiel, then who is it? 
:'''Dean''':  A dead man walking. 
:'''Castiel''':  What, you're gonna destroy him? 
:'''Dean''':  Damn right. 
:'''Castiel''':  You kill an angel, its vessel dies, too. 
:'''Dean''':  Think I don't know that? If I don't end Sam and that halo burns him out and I... God, I was so damn stupid. 
:'''Castiel''':  You were stupid for the right reasons. 
:'''Dean''':  Yeah, like that matters. 
:'''Castiel''':  It does. Sometimes that's all that matters. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''': How many times am I gonna have to say this? People in your general vicinity don't have much in the way of a life-span.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''':  Looks like we need a tiebreaker. Go get moose, squirrel... Unless... Unless, of course, you can't. That's why you're here, isn't it? The poor giant baby's in trouble again, isn't he? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''':  Yeah, I got played. 
:'''Castiel''':  I thought I was saving Heaven. I got played, too. 
:'''Dean''':  So you're sayin' we're both a couple of dumbasses? 
:'''Castiel''': I prefer the word &quot;trusting.&quot; Less dumb. Less ass. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''':  It's his fault -- all of it. The corruption of man, demons, hell. God left because of him. The archangels... the apocalypse. If he hadn't been so weak, none of it would have happened.  You ruined the universe, you damn son of a bitch!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gadreel''': It won't work. You will never find your brother. Go ahead. Poke and prod. I can sit in this chair for years and watch you fail over and over again. I've endured much worse than this, Dean. So...much...worse. And I have all the time in the world. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''':  If you mess with Sam, if you try anything -- 
:'''Crowley''': I keep my bargains. Besides, I don't want to be inside your brother any longer than I have to. I'm not one for sloppy seconds. 
:'''Dean''':  When you find him, say &quot;Poughkeepsie.&quot; It's our go word. It means &quot;drop everything and run.&quot; 
:'''Crowley''': Fine. While I'm gone, hands off the suit. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': ''[heartbreakingly]'' Did I kill Kevin? 
:'''Crowley''': No, you didn't. He did. You need to take control, Sam. Blow it up and cast that punk-ass holy roller out! 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': ''(expelling Gadreel)'' I said get...the hell...Out! 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''': Go. The back door. I'll handle this. 
:'''Dean''':  Oh, 'cause you're such a good guy? 
:'''Crowley''': Right now, I'm the goodest guy you got. 
:'''Dean''':  This don't make us square. I see you again -- 
:'''Crowley''': I'm dead. Yes, I know. I love you, too. 
:''[Dean and Castiel help Sam out.]''
:'''Crowley''': Pleasure doing business with you boys, as always. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''': See, that's your problem, love. You think this is a fight. 
:'''Abbadon''': It's not? 
:'''Crowley''': It's a campaign. Hearts and minds, that's what's important. See, the demons have a choice -- take orders from the world's angriest ginger -- and that's saying something -- or join my team, where everyone gets a say, a virgin, and all the entrails they can eat. So, think on this, lads. Spread the word -- vote Crowley. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''':  Come on, man. Can't you see? I'm... I'm poison, Sam. People get close to me, they get killed...or worse. You know, I tell myself that I-I... I help more people than I hurt. And I tell myself that I'm... I'm doing it all for the right reasons, and I... I believe that. But I can't... I won't... Drag anybody through the muck with me. Not anymore. 
:'''Sam''': Go. I'm not gonna stop you... But don't go thinking that's the problem, 'cause it's not.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 9)#ep182|First Born]]'' [9.11]==
:'''Dean''':  You want to hunt? With me? 
:'''Crowley''': I do love a good buddy comedy. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': I enjoyed the taste of food -- particularly peanut butter with grape jelly, not jam. Jam I found unsettling. 
:'''Sam''':  So, what? Now you can't taste PB and J? 
:'''Castiel''': No, I-I taste every molecule. 
:'''Sam''': Not the sum of its parts, huh? 
:'''Castiel''': It's overwhelming. It's disgusting. [looks longingly at the sandwich] I miss you, PB and J. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Castiel is healing Sam] ''
:'''Sam''': What? 
:'''Castiel''':  Nothing. 
:'''Sam''': You're a terrible liar. 
:'''Castiel''': That is not true. I once deceived and betrayed both you and your brother.

 &lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Well, they didn't have a guinea pig, but we do. 
:'''Castiel''': ''[looks up very confused]'' You have a guinea pig? Where? 
:'''Sam''': Me, Cas. I'm the guinea pig. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''': Ah, that's, uh, a funny story, really. Bit of a misunderstanding. We really should -- 
:'''Cain''':  ''[motions with his hand and Crowley is rendered speechless] '' Shh. 
:'''Dean''':  Oh, you gotta teach me how to do that. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': ''[weakly]'' Keep going. 
:'''Castiel''': Why? 
:'''Sam''': We -- we -- we have to find Gadreel. 
:'''Castiel''': ''[starts to remove the needle] '' No. Why must the Winchesters run toward death? 
:'''Sam''':  ''[Stopping Cas]'' No, don't. Don't. Don't stop. 
:'''Castiel''': Sam, when I was human, I died, and that showed me that life is precious, and it must be protected at all costs, even a life as... as pig-headed as a Winchester's. 
:'''Sam''': ''[Softly]'' My life's not worth any more than anyone else's... not yours or Dean's...or Kevin's. Please. Please, help me do one thing right. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''': You're good... But I'm Crowley. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;  
:'''Castiel''': Sam, I want Gadreel to pay as much as you do..
 But nothing is worth losing you.. 
 You know, being human, it didn't just change my view of food. It changed my view of ''you''. 
:'''Castiel''': I mean, I can relate now to how you feel.
:'''Sam''': What are you talking about? 
:'''Castiel''': The only person who has screwed things up more consistently than you...is me. And now I know what that guilt feels like. And I know what it... I know what it means to feel sorry, Sam. I am sorry. 
:'''Sam''': I know. 
:'''Castiel''': You know, old me... I would've have just kept going. I would've jammed that needle in deeper until you died because the ends always justified the means. But what I went though... Well, that PB and J taught me that angels can change, so... who knows? Maybe Winchesters can, too. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cain''': I can give you the mark, Dean, if it's what you truly want. 
:'''Dean''': What are you talking about? 
:'''Cain''': The mark can be transferred to someone who's worthy. 
:'''Dean''': You mean a killer like you? 
:'''Cain''': Yes. 
:'''Dean''': Can I use it to kill that bitch? 
:'''Cain''': Yes. But you have to know with the mark comes a great burden. Some would call it a great cost.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 9)#ep184|Sharp Teeth]]'' [9.12]==
:'''Sam''': ''[SAM notices a part of a scar on DEAN's arm]''  What happened to your arm? 
:'''Dean''': ''[pulls up his sleeve so he can see it better]'' Oh. It's a... gift from Cain. 
:'''Sam''':  Like...the wrestler? 
:'''Dean''':  I wish. That would be awesome. Uh, no. The, uh...The Old Testament dude. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Garth''': That's Dean. Now, he could start a fight in an empty house, but deep down inside, he's just a big ol' Teddy bear. And Sam here.. Sam can be a bit insecure at times, but for a good reason.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Garth''': Yeah, because you two came busting in here like a house on fire. Guns waving, the jawlines and the hair -- it's very intimidating! What'd you expect? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': But something's broken here, Dean. 
:'''Dean''': I'm not saying that it's not. I... I just think maybe we need to put a couple W's on the board and we get past all this. 
:'''Sam''': I don't think so. No, I-I wish, but... We don't...see things the same way anymore -- our roles in this whole thing. Back in that church, talking me out of boarding up hell? Or -- or tricking me into letting Gadreel possess me? I can't trust you -- not the way I thought I could, not the way I should be able to. 
:'''Dean''': Okay, look. Whatever happened... We are family, okay? 
:'''Sam''': You say that like it's some sort of cure-all, like it can change the fact that everything that has ever gone wrong between us has been because we're family. 
:'''Dean''': So, what -- we're not family now? 
:'''Sam''': I'm saying, you want to work? Let's work. If you want to be brothers...

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 9)#ep185|The Purge]]'' [9.13]==
:'''Dean''': Yeah, Why do I gotta be the lunch lady?
:'''Sam''': Since when have you ever complained about being around food?
:'''Dean''': Okay this is not food.
:'''Alonso''': Hey new guy, stop flirting with the trainer and keep scooping.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': What the hell happened?! 
:'''Dean''':  I was drugged. 
:'''Sam''': Dru... what? 
:'''Dean''':  ''[still loopy and lying on his stomach]'' Pudding. It was supposed to be for the clients, but I couldn't resist. 
:'''Sam''': ''[picks up the bowl and smells it]'' What, salted caramel? 
:'''Dean''':  Yeah, man. The best of both worlds ... salty and sweet. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''':  ''[looking in the supplement bottle]'' These aren't &quot;supplements&quot;, they're roofies. 
:'''Sam''': What? How do you know what roofies look like? 
:'''Dean''': How do you not know? You think I want to end up in a hotel bathtub with my kidney carved out? In Chechnya? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': You know, Sam, I saved your hide back there. And I saved your hide at that church... And the hospital. I may not think things all the way through. Okay? But what I do, I do because it's the right thing. I'd do it again. 
:'''Sam''': And that... is the problem. You think you're my savior, my brother, the hero. You swoop in, and even when you mess up, you think what you're doing is worth it because you've convinced yourself you're doing more good than bad... But you're not... I mean, Kevin's dead, Crowley's in the wind. We're no closer to beating this angel thing. Please tell me, what is the upside of me being alive? 
:'''Dean''': ''[shocked]'' You kidding me? You and me... fighting the good fight together. 
:'''Sam''': Okay. Just once, be honest with me. You didn't save me for me. You did it for you. 
:'''Dean''': ''[totally confused]'' What are you talkin' about? 
:'''Sam''': I was ready to die. I was ready. I should have died, but you... You didn't want to be alone, and that's what all this boils down to. You can't stand the thought of being alone. 
:'''Dean''': All right. 
:'''Sam''': I'll give you this much. You are certainly willing to do the sacrificing as long as you're not the one being hurt. 
:'''Dean''':  All right, you want to be honest? If the situation were reversed and I was dying, you'd do the same thing.
:'''Sam''': No Dean, I wouldn’t. Same circumstances, I wouldn’t.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 9)#ep186|Captives]]'' [9.14]==
:'''Dean''': ''[On his phone]'' Crowley, it's Dean. Call me when you get this. 
:'''Sam''': Really, Dean? 
:'''Dean''': What? 
:'''Sam''': That's your third unanswered voicemail. You ever think maybe he's just not that into you? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''':  I don't want to fight. But if I have to, I will. 
:'''Angel''':  I didn't come to fight. When I fell, I thought I had no choice, but yesterday, you've showed me that there is a choice. And I choose you. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': And you were ours. And we failed you. I -- 
:'''Kevin''':  Sam. I know that wasn't you. Go put a blade in that asshat who possessed you and we'll call it square... Guys. Thank you. 
:'''Dean''':  You can thank us when we get you to heaven where you belong. Okay, until then, enjoy your time with your mom. The, uh, uninterrupted, 24/7, no-escape quality time. 
:'''Kevin''':  Dick. Hey, before I go... Will you guys promise me something? 
:'''Dean''':  Yeah. 
:'''Sam''': Anything. 
:'''Kevin''':  Can you two... Get over it? Dudes, just 'cause you couldn't see me doesn't mean I couldn't see you. The drama, the fighting... It's stupid. My mom's taking home a ghost. You two... You're both still here.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 9)#ep187|#Thinman]]'' [9.15]==
:'''Harry''':''[sarcastically]'' Ah, the Winchesters. Yay. 
:'''Ed''': Says nobody. 
:'''Harry''': Ever. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Harry''': And -- and quit raining on my rainbow. 
:'''Ed''': Rainbows can't happen without rain. 
:'''Harry''': Don't try to use science with me. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''':  You know what video would have gone viral, if we still had it? When you were five and you got dressed up as Batman and you jumped off the shed 'cause you thought you could fly. 
:'''Sam''': After you jumped first. 
:'''Dean''':  Hey, I was nine, and I was dressed up like superman, okay? Everybody knows that Batman can't fly. 
:'''Sam''': ''[chuckling]'' Well, I didn't know that. I broke my arm. 
:'''Dean''': '' [laughing]'' I know you did. Man, I drove you to the E.R. on my handlebars. Hm, good times. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ed''': It's Scooby-Doo time, douche bag. Take off the mask. I know you're not Thinman. You're just a &quot;me-me&quot;. 
:'''Harry''': Ed, it's pronounced meme. 
:'''Ed''': It's spelled m-e-m-e, though. 
:'''Harry''': The second &quot;e&quot; is silent. Yeah. 
:'''Ed''': You're a me-me ... a-a man-meme, and I invented you. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ed''': You roll with a guy so many years, you start to think he's always gonna be next to you. Like, when you're old and you're drinking on the porch, he'll be in that other rocking chair. And then something happens, and you realize that other chair has gone empty.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 9)#ep188|Blade Runners]]'' [9.16]==
:'''Dean''': He goes missing for weeks on end without a peep? Well, not one that makes sense, anyway. Listen to this. 
:''[Dean sets his phone on the table and plays a voicemail on speaker]'' 
:'''Crowley''': Dean. Um... ''[indecipherable ramblings]''
:'''Sam''': Wait a second. Did he...Drunk-dial you? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''':  Look at you. You're a mess. You know, we were counting on you. You let us down. 
:'''Sam''': Your slimy followers were counting on you to kill Abaddon, and you let them down. 
:'''Dean''':  The man with all the mojo -- Captain Evil. 
:'''Sam''': Oh, it's pathetic. 
:'''Crowley''': What is this? An intervention? 
:'''Sam''': You need to focus, Crowley. Get a grip! 
:'''Dean''':  What, you just gonna let Hell go to Hell? 
:'''Crowley''': You don't know what it's like to be human! 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'' [Crowley is messing with a vending machine.]'' 
:'''Sam''':  '' [exasperated]'' What is Crowley doing? 
:'''Dean''': Stealing candy. 
:'''Sam''': He is ... he's ... he's stealing candy. 
:'''Dean''': You know, at least when Cas was human, he was an okay guy. Should've known Crowley would be a douche version... ''[Shouting at Crowley]'' Hey. Hey! Cut it out, man! Image! You're the king of rotten. Act like it. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Well, you're looking good for a guy pushing...90? 
:'''Magnus''': Well, thanks, sport. There's a spell for damn near everything.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Magnus''': ''[Holding the First Blade]'' Should we fire it up? What do you say? 
:'''Dean''': Go to hell. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Magnus''': ''[Regarding the First Blade]'' Next time, it'll be easier. You'll get used to the feelings, even welcome them.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''': I did good, eh, moose? Everything on the list. You're welcome. 
:'''Sam''':  Remember -- stay close, do what I say, and shut the hell up. 
:'''Crowley''': I'm growing on you, aren't I?

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 9)#ep189|Mother's Little Helper]]'' [9.17]==
:'''Crowley''': You're lying to Sam like he's your wife, which kind of makes me your mistress. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Julia''':  You're one of them, aren't you? 
:'''Sam''':  Sorry. One of who? 
:'''Julia''':  Men of Letters... They came here in 1958. 
:'''Sam''':  Men of Letters... came here? 
:'''Julia''':  Oh, yes. It was different then.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''': Last time we chitchatted, we agreed that you were gonna line up Carrot Top. 
:'''Dean''': Yep, well...I'm on it. 
:'''Crowley''': Unless Abaddon likes 10-cent wings, stale beer, and the clap, I doubt that she's here. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''':  What's in that bottle? Delusion?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jake''':  For a second there, I thought he made me. 
:'''Crowley''':  He has other things on his mind. 
:'''Jake''':  But he did do exactly what you said he would. He saved you. 
:'''Crowley''':  Of course he saved me. We're besties. And now he's ready. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''':  So, after all these years, you're still doing Abaddon's dirty work, huh, Agnes? 
:'''Sister Agnes''': Would you believe it's gotten even dirtier? Used to be folks believed in the church. Heck, the way they would come strolling in here, looking for God. It was like fish in a barrel, really. But times change. You can blame your perverts for that. Now I'm riding shotgun in some smelly van with a handyman and tricking any half-wit I can lay my hands on. But it's worth it. 
:'''Sam''': Because... Stealing souls is so noble. 
:'''Sister Agnes''': Stealing souls is winning! 
:'''Sam''':  Winning what? 
:'''Sister Agnes''': Hell's crown, nimrod. You think Abaddon is just gonna sit there while those pantywaisted demons refuse to pick a side?! And so she made a plan -- if you can't convince 'em, make 'em. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Henry''': This -- our work... It's a noble calling, isn't it? I mean, yes, there's risk, but, gosh. I feel the fool for doubting it for even a second. 
:'''Abaddon/Josie''': Hmm. 
:'''Henry''': And you, Josie? 
:'''Abaddon/Josie''': Me? Well, I feel like a whole new person. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''':  You were right. 
:'''Dean''': About what? 
:'''Sam''':  Finding Abaddon ASAP. She's mining souls. 
:'''Dean''': Why? 
:'''Sam''':  To create an army.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 9)#ep190|Meta Fiction]]'' [9.18]==
:'''Metatron''': What makes a story work? Is it the plot, the characters, the text? The subtext? And who gives a story meaning? Is the writer? Or you? Tonight, I thought I would tell you a little story and let you decide. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
[Castiel on speaker phone with Sam and Dean]
:'''Castiel''':  ''[looking at the hotel room’s honor bar]'' Honor bar. What's honorable about a miniature bar in a motel room? 
:'''Dean''':  Everything. 
:'''Castiel''': ''[With a smile]'' How are you, Dean? 
:'''Dean''':  ''[Monotone]'' I'm fine, Cas. How 'bout you? 
:'''Castiel''':  ''[wistfully]'' I miss my wings. Life on the road... smells. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''':  ''[trying to turn tv off, which is playing ep 13 of 'Casa Erotica']'' ...That's inappropriate.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gabriel''': ''[with a porn-stache]'' Hello. Remember me, bucko? 
:'''Castiel''': Gabriel?
:'''Gabriel''': ''[rips the porn-stache off]'' I'm gonna take that as a yes.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gabriel''':  I never watched &quot;Downton Abbey.&quot; I was just trying to fit in.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gadreel''': If this is like looking into a fun-house mirror for me, I cannot imagine what it is like for you. 
:'''Sam''': ''[barely controlling his rage]'' How long have you been working for Metatron? 
:'''Gadreel''': I will not talk, and you cannot make me. 
:'''Sam''': Yeah? 
:'''Gadreel''': I have been you, Sam Winchester. Your insides reek of shame and weakness. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Metatron''': You have been around since scaly things crawled out of the muck. Would it have killed you to pick up a book, watch a movie? ''[sighs]'' Here. I know it's a bit of a retcon, but it's gonna make this whole conversation a lot easier. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gadreel''': So, he acts tough, and you show kindness. Is that how this works? 
:'''Dean''': ''[his eyes dark]'' No. See, I don't care whether you talk. You're gonna pay for what you did to him...and Kevin. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gadreel'''You really think Sam would do anything for you? 
:''[Dean is heartbroken but hides it]''
:'''Dean''': Oh, I know he would. 
:'''Gadreel'''I have been in your brother's body, Dean. He would not trade his life for yours. 
:'''Dean''': Well, thanks for the rerun, pal. Sam's already told me all that crap. Hell, he's told me worse. 
:'''Gadreel'''He told you that he has always felt that way... that he thinks you are just a scared little boy who's afraid to be on his own because daddy never loved him enough? And he is right, isn't he? Right to think you are a coward, a sad, clingy, needy... 
:''[Dean punches Gadreel]''
:'''Dean''': Keep it up! 
:'''Gadreel'''...Pathetic bottom-feeder who cannot even take care of himself, who would rather drag everyone through the mud than be alone, who would let everyone around him die! 
:''[Dean swings his angel blade to stab Gadreel but stops at the last moment]''
:'''Gadreel''' ''[opens his eyes in a panic]'' No. Do it. Do it! Kill me! 
:'''Dean''': ''[icily]'' Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? That's what that whole speech was about? You're not afraid to die, are you? You're afraid to be left in these chains forever. Well, you can sit here and rot, you son of bitch. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': He's late. 
:'''Dean''': Or he's not gonna show. 
:'''Metatron''': ''[appearing]'' Of course I'm gonna show. I was just waiting for you two to finished setting up your little trap for me. Uh... Am I hitting my mark? Well, come on. Let's go. I'm waiting. 
:''[Dean lights the circle of holy fire Metatron is stood in.]''
:'''Metatron''': ''[Fakes a cry of pain then laughs]'' Either of you bring s'mores? Holy Fire always gives them a delightful minty aftertaste. Make a wish, boys. ''[Metatron blows out the flames]''

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 9)#ep191|Alex Annie Alexis Ann]]'' [9.19]==
:'''Dean''':  I don't know, Sammy. Looks like Jody might not need our help anymore. 
:'''Sam''': Oh, they grow up too fast. 
:'''Dean''':  Don't they? 
:'''Jody''': Yeah, joke all you want. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vampire''': ''[The vampire is putting body parts into a wood chipper]''
:'''Dean''': Hey! Hey, you need a hand with that? ''[He sees a hand sticking out]'' Oh! ''[Chuckles]'' I guess not.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Sam is tied to a chair]''
:'''Connor''' Hell of a sight to come home to... Brother lying dead on the floor. '' [He rams the butt of the gun into Sam's stomach.]'' No idea it was a Winchester that had done it. So...Which one of you was it? Which one of you took off my brother's head?! Was it you? Was it him? Pretty fitting ... brother for a brother. This place has been a good home to us. But since you two had to come around and ruin it, we're gonna have to hit the road and find a new one. And when we hit the road... we like to pack a lunch. 
:''[Connor cuts some surgical tubing and picks up a bucket and moves towards Sam]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Dean. 
:'''Dean''': Yeah, I know. You wouldn't have done the same for me. 
:'''Sam''': No. Jody. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Nice work back there. &quot;Look at me, bitch?&quot; 
:'''Dean''': Well, hey, you got another snappy one-liner, I'm all ears. 
:'''Sam''': What I'm saying is... it looked to me like you were enjoying it. Maybe too much. 
:'''Dean''': And? Well, sorry for not putting on a hair shirt. Killing things that need killing is kind of our job. Last I checked, taking pleasure in that is not a crime.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 9)#ep192|Bloodlines]]'' [9.20]==
:'''Dean''':  Listen, uh, Detective... Your, uh, perp fits a certain profile. Now, I could go into detail, but I'm -- I'm not going to. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ennis''': And when I got to her... She...She ... 
:'''Sam''': There is nothing you could've done. 
:'''Ennis''': That supposed to make me feel better? Look, this thing wasn't human. So what are you gonna do about it? 
:'''Dean''': I don't know what to tell you, kid. There's no such thing as monsters. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': ''[After decapitating a vampire]'' He looks better with a little off the top, don't you think? You want to run, now's the time. 
:'''Ennis''': I'm not going anywhere until someone tells me what the hell's going on. 
:'''Dean''': You should go. 
:'''Ennis''': No. 
:'''Dean''': All right, Sammy, give him the talk. 
:'''Sam''': All right, look, my name is Sam Winchester. That's my brother Dean. We, uh... ...we kill vampires. And werewolves, and demons, and -- basically, we chase down evil... And we cut its head off. 
:'''Ennis''': So you're, what, monster cops? 
:'''Dean''': Hunters. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': All right, you're with me, Romeo. 
:'''David''': Sounds good, Buffy.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 9)#ep193|King of the Damned]]'' [9.21]==
:'''Crowley''': You betrayed me? No one in the history of torture’s been tortured with torture like the torture you’ll be tortured with.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': I see. I got it. So, you heard a rumor about Metatron's &quot;secret portal&quot;, and you decided to run with it. 
:'''Ezra''': It's not a rumor. He showed me. 
:'''Dean''': I get it. He's a fan. 
:'''Sam''': A fan. Yeah. 
:'''Dean''': You're a fan. Just 'cause you're hot for Metatron... ...or Bieber or Beckham... Just 'cause you know everything about them doesn't mean that you actually know them. 
:'''Sam''': Or that they even know you exist. 
:'''Dean''': Ooh, that's cold, Sammy. 
:'''Sam''': I'm just sayin', man. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gavin''': You sold your soul?! Sold it?! For an extra three inches of willy?! 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': ''(on phone)''  Damn it, Crowley, the grave is guarded! 
:'''Crowley''': ''(on phone)'' That's absurd. 
:'''Dean''': ''(on phone)'' A Hellhound! 
:'''Crowley''': ''(on phone)'' No, no, no, she was collected. 
:'''Dean''': ''(on phone)'' The hell she was! 
:'''Sam''': Guys! 
:'''Crowley''': ''(on phone)'' Time was, no one would dare disobey the king. 
:'''Sam''': Guys! 
:'''Dean''': ''(on phone)'' I'm gonna put you on speaker! 
:'''Crowley''': ''(on phone)'' Juliet? It's papa. Stand down. ''[She does.]'' You're welcome. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''': Gavin, listen to your father. I know what's... ''[Gavin slams the door and locks it]'' ...best for you.... 
:'''Crowley''': ''[to himself]'' Kids.
:''[Crowley's phone rings. It's Dean. He answers it.]'' 
:'''Crowley''': Squirrel! I hope you were nice to ''your'' father.
:'''Dean''': What? Shut up.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Dean stabs Abbadon multiple times]''
:'''Sam''': Dean. Dean! Dean! Stop! You can stop. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''': Please. No one bends the rules like you two bend the rules. He's one misfit kid. He impacts no one. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''': You'll be fine. Just avoid cheap whiskey and cheap hookers. Look at me, getting all fatherly. 
:'''Gavin''': So this is goodbye, then? 
:'''Crowley''': Yes. Forever. Unless, of course, I catch you smoking, in which case, I'll smack you stupid. 
:'''Gavin''': Goodbye, then. And thank you...father. 
:''[Gavin moves to hug, but Crowley stops him.]''
:'''Crowley''': Whoa, whoa. Easy, easy. As you were. Goodbye, Gavin. Oh, uh... Don't go mentioning that whole &quot;Prince of Hell&quot; thing. Doesn't play too well in most circles. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': First time I touched that Blade...I knew. I knew that I wouldn't be stopped. I knew I would take down Abaddon and anything else if I had to. And it wasn't a hero thing. You know, it wasn't... It was just calm. I knew. And I had to go it alone, Sammy. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Look...I'm glad it worked out, okay? I am. And I'm glad the Blade gives you strength or calm or whatever, but, Dean, I got to say... I'm starting to think the Blade is doing something else, too. 
:'''Dean''': Yeah? Like what? 
:'''Sam''': I don't know. Like, something to you. Look... I'm thinking until we know for sure that we're gonna kill off Crowley, why don't we store the Blade somewhere distant? Lock it up somewhere safe? Okay? 
:'''Dean''': No.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 9)#ep194|Stairway to Heaven]]'' [9.22]==
:'''Dean''': He's a weird, dorky, little guy. But he happens to have an army of Angels behind him, and, even though I hate to say it, if we're gonna take a shot at Metatron, they might be useful. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Metatron''': Uh...just a second! 
:''[A second later, Gadreel enters. Metatron glares at him.]'' 
:'''Gadreel''': I gave you a second. 
:'''Metatron''': You are such an...angel sometimes. What do you want? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Uh, roll call? You hold, uh, roll call? 
:'''Castiel''': They like to hear me say their names. 
:'''Dean''': I know a couple of women like that. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': It's Enochian. I believe it's some sort of riddle. &quot;Why is six afraid of seven?&quot; Now, I assume it's because seven is a prime number, and prime numbers can be intimidating. 
:'''Sam''': ''[bemused]'' It's because seven eight nine. 
:''[The door opens with a loud creak]'' 
:'''Castiel''': It's wordplay. And the answer is the key, like the doors of Durin in &quot;Lord of the Rings.&quot; 
:'''Sam''': Wait a second. You know about &quot;The Lord of the Rings?&quot; 
:'''Castiel''': I'm very pop-culture savvy now. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': So, Dean, uh...are we gonna talk about this, or what? 
:'''Dean''': About what? Yeah, I lied, but you were being an infant. 
:'''Sam''': Wow. Even for you, that apology sucked. 
:'''Dean''': Oh, I'm not apologizing. I'm telling you how it's gonna be. 
:'''Sam''': Dean, that Blade... 
:'''Dean''': That Blade's the only thing that can kill Metatron, and I am the only one who can use it...so from here on out, I'm calling the shots. Capisce? Look, until I jam that Blade through that douchebag's heart, we are not a team. This is a dictatorship. Now, you don't have to like it, but that's how it's gonna be. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Cas, you just gave up an entire army for one guy. No, there's no way that you blew those people away. 
:'''Castiel''': You really believe we three will be enough? 
:'''Dean''': We always have been.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 9)#ep195|Do You Believe in Miracles]]'' [9.23]==
:'''Sam''': Something is wrong with you, Dean. And until we figure out what, this is where you have to stay. 
:'''Dean''': And you two are gonna do what? Take on Metatron yourselves? That's smart. Oh, no, wait. No, you... ''[motions to Castiel]'' you lost your Angel army. And you... ''[motions to Sam]'' now you're trying to lock up the one guy who has a shot at killing the son of a bitch?! Hell of a plan, fellas! 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''': Love, if I wanted a soapy massage from Dr. Phil, I would have hit 3 on the speed dial, all right? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': What the hell's happening to me, you son of a bitch? 
:'''Crowley''': Liquor before beer, bad taco? How should I know? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''': You never get tired of the rat race? Never get the urge to just...bugger off and howl at the moon? Never ask yourself, &quot;is this it? Is this all there is?&quot; I kicked human blood, you know. 
:'''Dean''': Oh, so you're full-metal douche again. Well, that's fantastic. Would you like a stuffed bear? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': How's hell, Crowley? 
:'''Crowley''': Hell's fine. Hell's like a Swiss watch. Don't worry about hell. Hell's complicated. 
:'''Dean''': &quot;Game of Thrones&quot; is complicated. Shower sex... that's complicated. Hell ain't complicated. Your problem ain't hell. It's you. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You're not gonna eat your food? 
:'''Dean''': Not hungry. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': The door to heaven is in a playground? 
:'''Gadreel''': Guarded by two of Metatron's most loyal. I recruited them myself. So, you said you had a plan... How we might convince them to let us pass. 
:'''Castiel''': ''[pulls out handcuffs]'' Wookiee. 
:'''Gadreel''': ''[looks very confused]'' Brother, I have no idea what that means. 
:'''Castiel''': It's a reference to a very popular film that... never mind. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''': Excuse me! I'm not exactly demon minion number three here. As the kids say, I've got mad skills. 
:'''Dean''': Look, I don't know what you expected here. Okay? I don't really care. But you wanted off the hamster wheel. Get off.
:'''Crowley''': Well, I guess I've been Winchestered.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gadreel''': I sat in this hole for thousands of years, thinking of nothing but redemption, of reclaiming my good name. I thought of nobody, no cause, other than my own. 
:'''Castiel''': You've been redeemed, my friend. 
:'''Gadreel''': The only thing that matters in the end is the mission... protecting those who would not and cannot protect themselves... 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gadreel''': Move to the other side of your cell, Castiel, and keep your head down. 
:'''Castiel''': What are you doing? 
:''[Hannah sees that Gadreel has carved a suicide sigil on his chest and fumbles to unlock the door]'' 
:'''Gadreel''': When they say my name, perhaps I won't just be the one who let the serpent in. Perhaps I will be known as one of the many... 
:'''Castiel''': Gadreel. 
:'''Gadreel''': ...who gave heaven a second chance. Run, sister. ''[Hannah runs away from the cell]''
:'''Castiel''': Gadreel.
:''[Gadreel stabs himself. The cell he's in explodes]''
:'''Castiel''': ''[to Hannah]'' Do you believe him now?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': You can save the humble pie Jesus routine for somebody who gives a damn.
:'''Metatron''': The problem with you Dean, is the cynicism. Always with the cynicism. But most people, even the real belly crawlers, living in filth, or Brentwood, they don't want to be cynical. They just want something to believe in. 
:'''Dean''': And that'be you.
:'''Metatron''': Why not me?
:'''Dean''': You've been working those people outside for what, a day? And they've already spilled blood in your name. You're nothing but Bernie Madoff with wings.
:'''Metatron''': Ah, ah. So I'm a fake. Do you have any idea how much pancake make-up and soft lighting it took to get God to work a rope line? He hated it. And you know, humans sensed that. So they prayed harder and longer and fought more wars in His name. And for what?ǃ So they could die of malaria? Leukaemia? And all the while, blaming themselvesː &quot;Oh, if only I'd been more prayerful, God would have loved meǃ God would have saved meǃ&quot; You know what?ǃ God didn't even know their nameǃ But I do. Because I've walked among them, and I can save them.
:'''Dean''': Sure you can. So long as your mug is in every Bible, and &quot;What would Metatron do?&quot; is on every bumper.
:'''Metatron''': And? What, are you blaming me for giving them what they want? Giving them a brand they can believe in?
:'''Dean''': I'm blaming you for Kevinǃ I'm blaming you for taking Cas' Grace. Hell, I'm blaming you for the Cubs not winning the World Series in the last 100 freaking yearsǃ :''[Showing the First Blade]'' Whatever it is, I'm blaming you.
:'''Metatron''': The First Blade. Nasty piece of work, isn't she? Ok, let's say you win, Dean, and I die. What's the world left with then, hmm? A herd of panty-waisted angels and you? Half out of your mind with lord knows what pumping through those veins? 
:'''Dean''': You see, the only thing you've said that went in my ear was that you die.
:'''Metatron''': Oh, fine. We'll fight. I don't know what you expect is gonna come of all this. Unless... that's why you're stalling. Because you know nothing's gonna come of this unless your pals :''[Gadreel and Castiel]'' succeed upstairs. Well, here's a newsflashː Humpty and Dumpty are starring in their very own version of &quot;Locked Up Abroadː Heaven&quot; right now.
:''[Dean punches Metatron]''
:'''Metatron''': Wow, that big blade and that douchy tribal tat sure gave you some super juice. Whooǃ Okay...''[They start fighting]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shut up. Shut up. Just save your energy, all right? Oh, man. We'll stop the bleeding. We'll... we'll get you a doctor or... or I'll find a spell. You're gonna be okay. 
:''[Sam takes his brother's hand and presses it to his chest to keep the cloth in place.]'' 
:'''Dean''': Listen to me. It's better this way. 
:'''Sam''': What?! 
:'''Dean''': ''[Gasping in pain]'' The Mark. It's making me into something I don't want to be. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Dean is dying despite Sam trying to save him]''
:'''Dean''': I thought you were alright with this?
:'''Sam''': I lied.
:'''Dean''': Ain't that a bitch.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Metatron''': Ah. So Gadreel bites the dust. And the Angel tablet... arguably the most powerful instrument in the history of the universe... is in pieces, and for what again? Oh, that's right... to save Dean Winchester. That was your goal, right? I mean, you draped yourself in the flag of heaven, but ultimately, it was all about saving one human, right? Well, guess what. He's dead, too. 
:''[Castiel's horrified eyes shoot to Metatron's face]'' 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Sam. Hold up. Hold up... I gotta say something to you...
:'''Sam''': What?
:'''Dean''': ''[last words]'' I'm proud of us.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Dean lies dead on a bed]''
:'''Crowley''': Your brother, bless his soul, is summoning me as I speak. Make a deal, bring you back. It's exactly what I was talking about, isn't it? It's all become so... expected. You have to believe me. When I suggested you take on the Mark of Cain, I didn't know this was going to happen. Not really. I mean, I might not have told you the entire truth. But I never lied. I never lied, Dean. That's important. It's fundamental. But...there is one story about Cain that I might have... forgotten to tell you. Apparently, he, too, was willing to accept death, rather than becoming the killer the Mark wanted him to be. So he took his own life with the Blade. He died. Except, as rumor has it, the Mark never quite let go. You can understand why I never spoke of this. Why set hearts aflutter at mere speculation? It wasn't until you summoned me... No, it wasn't truly until you left that cheeseburger uneaten...that I began to let myself believe. Maybe miracles do come true. 
:''[Crowley places the First Blade into Dean's hand and lays them both on Dean's chest.]'' 
:'''Crowley''': Listen to me, Dean Winchester, what you're feeling right now... it's not death. It's life... a new kind of life. Open your eyes, Dean. See what I see. Feel what I feel. Let's go take a howl at that moon. 
:''[Dean's eyes open, they are demonic black.]''

==Cast==
*[[w:Jared Padalecki|Jared Padalecki]] - [[w:Sam Winchester|Sam Winchester]] 
*[[w:Jensen Ackles|Jensen Ackles]] - [[w:Dean Winchester|Dean Winchester]]
*[[w:Misha Collins|Misha Collins]] - [[w:Castiel_(Supernatural)|Castiel]]
*[[w:Mark A. Sheppard|Mark A. Sheppard]] - [[w:Crowley|Crowley]]
*[[w:Jim Beaver|Jim Beaver]] - [[w:Bobby Singer|Bobby Singer]]
*[[w:Richard Speight, Jr.|Richard Speight, Jr.]] - [[w:Gabriel (Supernatural)|Gabriel]]
*[[w:Amanda Tapping|Amanda Tapping]] - [[w:Naomi (Supernatural)|Naomi]]
*[[w:Curtis Armstrong|Curtis Armstrong]] - [[w:Metatron (Supernatural)|Metatron]]
*[[w:Osric Chau|Osric Chau]] as [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Kevin Tran|Kevin Tran]]
*[[w:Alaina Huffman|Alaina Huffman]] as Abaddon / Josie Sands
*[[w:Felicia Day|Felicia Day]] as [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Charlie Bradbury|Charlie Bradbury]]
*[[w:Lauren Tom|Lauren Tom]] as [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Linda Tran|Linda Tran]]
*[[w:Gil McKinney|Gil McKinney]] as Henry Winchester
*[[w:Tahmoh Penikett|Tahmoh Penikett]] as [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Gadreel|Gadreel]]
*[[w:Erica Carroll|Erica Carroll]] as Hannah
*[[w:Adam Harrington (Canadian actor)|Adam Harrington]] as [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Bartholomew|Bartholomew]]
*[[w:Kim Rhodes|Kim Rhodes]] as [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Sheriff Jody Mills|Sheriff Jody Mills]]
*[[w:A. J. Buckley|A. J. Buckley]] as [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Ed Zeddmore and Harry Spangler|Ed Zeddmore]]
*[[w:Tiio Horn|Tiio Horn]] as [[w:Dorothy Gale|Dorothy Gale]]
*[[w:Lindsey McKeon|Lindsey McKeon]] as [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Tessa|Tessa]]
*[[w:Timothy Omundson|Timothy Omundson]] as [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Cain|Cain]]
*[[w:Snooki|Nicole &quot;Snooki&quot; Polizzi]] as herself
*[[w:DJ Qualls|DJ Qualls]] as [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Garth Fitzgerald IV|Garth Fitzgerald IV]]
*[[w:Julian Richings|Julian Richings]] as [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Death|Death]]
*[[w:Travis Wester|Travis Wester]] as [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Ed Zeddmore and Harry Spangler|Harry Spangler]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{imdb title|0460681|Supernatural}}
*[http://www.supernaturalwiki.com Supernatural Wiki]
*[http://www.supernaturaltv.info Watch Supernatural]

{{center|'''Season'''&amp;nbsp; [[Supernatural (season 1)|1]] • [[Supernatural (season 2)|2]] • [[Supernatural (season 3)|3]] • [[Supernatural (season 4)|4]] • [[Supernatural (season 5)|5]] • [[Supernatural (season 6)|6]] • [[Supernatural (season 7)|7]] • [[Supernatural (season 8)|8]] • [[Supernatural (season 9)|9]] • [[Supernatural (season 10)|10]] • [[Supernatural (American TV series)|Main]]}}

[[Category:Supernatural (U.S. TV series) seasons]]</text>
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    <title>Supernatural (season 10)</title>
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'''''[[Supernatural (American TV series)|Supernatural]]''''' (2005–2020) is a paranormal/horror/thriller/drama-themed television series on the WB Television Network (now merged with UPN into the new network The CW) that details the lives of two brothers who travel across the country in a black 1967 Chevy Impala investigating paranormal events and other unexplained occurrences.&amp;nbsp;  '''[[w:Supernatural (season 10)|Season ten]]''' originally aired from the 7th October 2014 to 20th May 2015.

{{center|'''Season'''&amp;nbsp; [[Supernatural (season 1)|1]] • [[Supernatural (season 2)|2]] • [[Supernatural (season 3)|3]] • [[Supernatural (season 4)|4]] • [[Supernatural (season 5)|5]] • [[Supernatural (season 6)|6]] • [[Supernatural (season 7)|7]] • [[Supernatural (season 8)|8]] • [[Supernatural (season 9)|9]] • [[Supernatural (season 10)|10]] • [[Supernatural (season 11)|11]] • [[Supernatural (season 12)|12]] • [[Supernatural (American TV series)|Main]]}}

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 10)#ep196|Black]]'' [10.01]==
:'''Crowley''': Jerk.
:'''Dean''': Bitch.
:'''Anne Marie''': Get a room you two.
:'''Crowley''': Had a room until you two soiled it.
:'''Anne Marie''': Love you Crowley.
:'''Crowley''': Love you more sweetheart.
:'''Anne Marie''': Anne Marie, jackass.
:'''Crowley''': Knew that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''': (Answering his phone) You're dead.
:'''Sam''': Nope. Just using a dead man's phone.
:'''Crowley''': Moose. Took you long enough. Your brother and I were beginning to wonder if you'd hit another dog. You know?
:'''Sam''': My brother is dead, Crowley. I know you have some freaking demon parading around in his meatsuit, and trust me, you are gonna pay for that.
:'''Crowley''':  Moose. Moose. I'm afraid you haven't allowed yourself to dream quite big enough here. Your brother is very much alive, courtesy of the mark. And the only demonized soul inside of Dean is his and his alone. Wee bit more twisted, a little more mangled beyond human recognition, but, I can assure you, all his. There, now. Feel better?
:'''Sam''': And the, uh, Abaddon supporters you've been sending to kill my brother, how does Dean feel about that double-cross?
:'''Crowley''':  If that's what you think is happening, then you're more out of your depths than I thought.
:'''Sam''': I don't know how you did this, what kind of... Black-magic stunt you pulled, but hear me --I will save my brother or die trying.
:'''Crowley''':  You know what tickles me about all this? It's what's really eating you up. You don't care that he's a demon. Heck, you've been a demon. We've all been demons. No, it's that he's with me and he's having the time of his life. You can't stand the fact that he's mine.
:'''Sam''': He's not your pet.
:'''Crowley''': My pet? He's my best friend, my partner in crime. They'll write songs about us, graphic novels -- The Misadventures of Growley and Squirrel. Dean Winchester completes me, and that's what makes you lose your chickens.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': You lied.
:'''Crowley''':  Who do you think you're talking to here? Does the tin man have a sheet-metal Willy? Of course I lied.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': I left you an open tab at the bar. Knock yourself out.
:'''Cole''': Well, hell, I just may take you up on that.
:'''Dean''': And who is this?
:'''Cole''': Me? Well, I'm karma, brother.
:'''Dean''': On my brother's phone?
:'''Cole''': On your brother's phone.
:'''Dean''': Is he dead?
:'''Cole''': No. Not yet. And as long as you show up where I tell you to show up, your brother will be just fine.
:'''Dean''': And how do I know he's still alive?
:'''Cole''':  (holding the phone out to Sam) Speak.
:'''Sam''': [Sam looks at the phone heartbroken but doesn't say a word. Cole punches Sam in the face.] Aah!
:'''Cole''': Proof of life.
:'''Sam''': Dean!
:'''Cole''': Got a pen?
:'''Dean''': No, you listen to me. There's no trade. There's no meet-up. There's no nothing -- except the 100% guarantee that, somewhere down the road, I will find you, and I will kill you.
:'''Cole''': Well, that'll be a cold comfort to your dead brother.
:'''Dean''': I told him to let me go. So whatever jam he's in now, that is his problem.
:'''Cole''': Yeah, well, I'll be sure to pass that on to him as I'm slitting his throat.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, you do that, 'cause he knows me. And he knows damn sure that if I am one thing, I am a man of my word.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 10)#ep197|Reichenbach]]'' [10.02]==
:'''Sam''': Cass, Dean's a demon
:'''Castiel''': Dean's a demon? How?
:'''Sam''': The Mark, I guess it messed him up, I don't know.
:'''Castiel''': That is a vast understatement.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hannah''': Castiel I think the Winchesters are a bad influence on you.
:'''Castiel''': Sam and Dean may be a bit rough around the edges, but they're the best men I've ever known. And they're my friends.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': [To Bartender] Two shots here. He'll have something fancy, with your tiniest umbrella.
:'''Crowley''': So...How you been feeling? On edge? Pent-up? Unfulfilled?
:'''Dean''': You sound like a Viagra commercial. You know that, right?
:'''Crowley''': This isn't about...Little Dean. It's about the Mark. It changed you.
:'''Dean''': [flashing black eyes] I've noticed.
:'''Crowley''': And I know that you want to keep the party going. You want to have fun, fun, fun till daddy takes the black eyes away. The fact is...you need to kill now. Not want to, not choose to --need to.
:'''Bartender''':  [setting Dean's shots down and a cocktail in front of Crowley] There you go.
:'''Crowley''': [with a withering look] Danke. Face it, darling. You're an addict. Death is your drug. And you're gonna spend the rest of your life chasing that dragon.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Little Girl''': Did you have a good dream?
:'''Castiel''': Well, I, uh, I don't really dream.
:'''Little Girl''': Why? One time I dreamed that my snot was a rocket and it shot into space and knocked down the stars to make room for more rockets!
:'''Castiel''': That sounds like some very special snot.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': So what are you gonna do, you gonna kill me?
:'''Sam''': No.
:'''Dean''': Why? You don't know what I've done, I might have it coming.
:'''Sam''': I don't care. Because you are my brother and I'm here to take you home.
:'''Dean''': ''You're my brother and I'm here to take you home.'' Ah, what is this a Lifetime movie, with your puppy dog eyes? Thanks Sammy, I needed that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cole''': Wow. It's really you.
:'''Dean''': We met?
:'''Cole''': Talked on the phone.
:'''Dean''': Right, right. You're the guy who's supposed to put a bullet in Sammy's brain. Did you miss?
:'''Cole''': Well, I had a better idea: I figure if I let your bro escape, he'd go running to you, and all I had to do was just tag along. And now here we are, finally. Dean Winchester.
:'''Dean''': Great, a groupie.
:'''Cole''': You remember me?
:'''Dean''': Yeah, yeah. You're that guy, from that thing.
:'''Cole''': Nyack, New York, June 21st 2003.
:'''Dean''': That supposed to ring a bell?
:'''Cole''': It was the night you gutted and murdered a man by the name of Edward Trenton. He was my father. 
:'''Dean''': ''[nonchalant]'' Okay.
:'''Cole''': Okay?
:'''Dean''': Well hey, I'm not saying I didn't slice and dice your old man. I'm just saying that he wasn't the first and he certainly wasn't the last, and they all just kinda get blended up.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Y'know -- and I'm just spit-balling here -- but uh, maybe you are not as good as you think you are. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': What'd you think was gonna happen, huh, you'd just stroll up here and say, &quot;My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die&quot; and I'd just roll over? Well that's just -- that makes me sad. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': You have no idea what you walked into here do you? None.
:'''Cole''': What are you?
:'''Dean''': I'm a demon.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cole''': Do it! You said if you saw me, you'd kill me so do it!
:'''Dean''': Well, I guess I change my mind.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': ''[Throws holy water on Dean, handcuffing him]'' Stop! It's over! It's over, Dean!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': This doesn't make us square. If I see you again...
:'''Crowley''': Oh stop it Samantha, nobody likes a tease.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': You know what Dean. I saw what happened back there, you could have killed that guy and you didn't, you took mercy on him.
:'''Dean''': You call that mercy? Imagine you spend your whole life hunting down the guy that knifed your father. When you finally find him, he whips you like a dog -- how do you think that feels? That kid is going to spend his whole life knowing that he had his shot and that he couldn't beat me, that ain't mercy. That's the worst thing I could have done to him. And what I'm gonna do to you Sammy, well that ain't gonna be mercy either.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 10)#ep198|Soul Survivor]]'' [10.03]==
:'''Dean''': Sam, I know you think you’re going try and fix me, but did it never occur to you maybe I don’t want to be fixed? Just let me go live my life, I won’t bother you. What do you care?
:'''Sam''': What do I care?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': You think I'm just going to sit here like Crowley, getting all weepy while you shoot me up? Well, screw that! I don’t want this.
:'''Sam''': Yeah, I pretty much figured that out.
:'''Dean''': You don’t even know if this is going to work, do you? You know, I've got a helluva a lot more running through me than just demon juice.
:'''Sam''': Mark of Cain, got it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Sammy…you know I hate shots.
:'''Sam''': I hate demons.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': You want me to debate you? This isn't even the real you I'm talking to.
:'''Dean''': Oh it's the real me alright, the new real me, the me that sees things for what they really are. Winchesters. Do-gooders fighting the natural order. Let me tell you something. Guys like me, we are the natural order. It's the way it was set up.
:'''Sam''': Guys like me still gotta do what we can.
:'''Dean''': Don't be so full of yourself Sammy. See from where I'm sitting there ain't much difference from what I turned into and what you already are.
:'''Sam''': And what exactly is that supposed to mean?
:'''Dean''': I know what you did when you went looking for me. And I know how far you went. Crowley told me all about it. So let me ask you... which one of us is really the monster, hmm? Starting to come back to you now.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Demon''': Majesty, supplicants await without.
:'''Crowley''':  Without what?
:'''Demon''': Outside.
:'''Crowley''':  Let them wait.
:'''Demon''': They've waited a long time.
:'''Crowley''':  It's Hell. You wait. It's what you do.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': There's no point in trying to bring your brother back now.
:'''Sam''': Oh, I will bring him back.
:'''Dean''': In fact, your, uh, guilt-ridden, weight-of-the-world bro has been M.I.A. for quite some time now. But I'm loving the new model -- lean, mean Dean.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': You notice I tried to get as far away from you possible? Away from your whining, your complaining. I chose the King of Hell over you. Maybe I was just... tired of babysitting you. Or always having to yank your lame ass out of the fire, since... forever. Or maybe -- maybe it was the fact that my mother would still be alive if it wasn't for you. That your very existence sucked the life out of my life.
:'''Sam''': This isn't my brother talking.
:'''Dean''': You never had a brother. Just an excuse for not manning up. But guess what. I quit.
:'''Sam''': No. No you don't. You don't get to quit. We don't get to quit in this family. This family is all we've ever had!
:'''Dean''': Well then we got nothin'.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''':  Why can't you people just sit on clouds and play harps like you're supposed to?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': You look worried, fellas.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': You realize one problem is solved, but one still remains. Dean is no longer a demon, that's true. But the Mark of Cain -- that he still has, and sooner or later that is gonna be an issue.
:'''Sam''': You know what, Cas. I'm beat, man. One battle at a time, you know? So I'm just gonna grab my brother some cholesterol. And then I'm gonna get drunk.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 10)#ep199|Paper Moon]]'' [10.04]==
:'''Dean''': You've been kicked, bit, scratched, stabbed, possessed, killed...and you sprain your friggin' elbow? 
:'''Sam''': Dude, it was more than a sprain. All right? And it was a friggin' demon, but - 
:'''Dean''': But what? That sling come with a slice of crybaby pie on the side? Please.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kate''': It's not like anyone gave me a handbook on how to be a werewolf.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': I just figured since we're opening up veins, that maybe you wanted to talk about the guy you made sell his soul.
:'''Sam''': The guy who you then killed, right. That's the same guy were talking about?
:'''Dean''': I was a demon.
:'''Sam''': Oh you were a demon, I didn't realize that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': How can you possibly blame Kate for fighting for her sister, we do it all the time.
:'''Dean''': Oh yeah, that's worked wonders for us.
:'''Sam''': We're still here, aren't we?
:'''Dean''': Yeah, but is it right?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': I watched you die, and I carried you... I carried your corpse into your room, and I put your dead body onto your bed and then you just...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': It's embarrassing you know.
:'''Sam''': What's embarrassing?
:'''Dean''': All of it. The note. Crowley. Everything.
:'''Sam''': Dean, you were a demon.
:'''Dean''': Oh I was a demon, I didn't realize.
:'''Sam''': Shut up.
:'''Dean''': Not to mention, I never said thank you. So...
:'''Sam''': You don't ever have to say that, not to me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kate''': But, she can be saved.
:'''Dean''': No. Tasha's in too deep. You don't ever come back from that. Not ever.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Let's say you're right.
:'''Sam''': About What?
:'''Dean''': Everything. Maybe I'm not ready to hunt. But I am just trying to do the right thing, man. 'Cause I am so sick and tired of doing the wrong one.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 10)#ep200|Fan Fiction]]'' [10.05]==
:'''Dean''': Sam, out there hunting, it's the only normal I know. We got work to do.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': I'm gonna throw up.
:'''Sam''': I mean I gotta say, it's kinda charming. The-the production value, and the... No? No. No. I'm gonna check for EMF, you-you look for, uh cursed objects.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': What are they doing?
:'''Marie''': Oh, uh they're rehearsing the &quot;B.M.&quot; scene.
:'''Dean''': The bowel movement scene?
:'''Marie''': No, the boy melodrama scene... You know the scene where the boys get together and their driving or leaning against Baby, drinking a beer, sharing their feelings. The two of them alone, but together -- bonded, united, the power of their-
:'''Dean''': Why are they standing so close together?
:'''Marie''': Reasons.
:'''Dean''': You know they're brothers, right?
:'''Marie''': Well duh. But subtext.
:'''Dean''': Why don't you take a sub-step back, ladies!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Marie''': We do explore the nature of ''Destiel'' in Act Two.
:'''Dean''': Wha-- what's Destiel?
:'''Marie''': You know, Dean-slash-Castiel. I mean, it's all subtext, but you can't spell subtext without S-E-X.
:'''Dean''': ''[glares at the camera]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Alright, Shakespeare. You know that I can actually tell you what really happened with Sam and Dean. A friend of mine hooked me up with the unpublished-unpublished books. So, Sam came back from Hell, but without his soul, and Cas brought in a bunch of Leviathans from Purgatory. They lost Bobby, and then Cas and Dean got stuck in Purgatory... Sam hit a dog. Uh, they met a prophet named Kevin; they lost him too. Then Sam underwent a series of trials in an attempt to close the Gates of Hell, which nearly cost him his life. And Dean... he became a demon. A Knight of Hell actually.
:'''Marie''': Wow.
:'''Dean''': Yup.
:'''Marie''': That is some of the worst fan-fiction I have ever heard. I mean, seriously, where did your friend find this garbage? And not saying that ours is a masterpiece or anything, but jeez. I'll have to send you some links later.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Destiel? Shouldn't it be Dee-stiel? And what about Sastiel? Samstiel?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Casdean?
:'''Dean''': Shut your face. Get in the car.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Marie''': Yeah. You're right. If Sam and Dean were real, they wouldn't back down from a fight, especially my sweet, brave, selfless Sam. There's nothing he can't do.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Maeve''': Okay, we're through the looking glass here people. Prep the wendigo set, let's prep the priest costumes, and Sarah get our understudies into hair and make-up.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Marie''': Dean? You never should've thrown this away.
:[''hands him the Samulet prop'']
:'''Dean''': It never really worked. I don't need a symbol to remind me how I feel about my brother.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Marie''': Hi. Thank you so much for coming, I know the second act is a little bit wonky and the first act has some issues, but... what did you think?
:'''Chuck''': Not bad.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 10)#ep201|Ask Jeeves]]'' [10.06]==
:'''Sam''': Wow, think we're a little under dressed? I mean the fed threads are in the trunk.
:'''Dean''': Are you kidding me, for once we don't have to wear suits. You're lucky my waistband is not elastic.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': All right cold spots it is, you stay here and keep an eye on Mrs. Peacock and, uh Colonel Mustard. I'll sniff around.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dash''': Well Sam, I'll let you in on a little secret. We don't really like each other... But then what family does?
:'''Sam''': Mine does. For the most part, it's just my brother and me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Husband and wife tag-team killer ghosts.
:'''Dean''': Gotta keep the marriage alive somehow.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beverly''': Well, well, well what do we have here? What'cha doing snooping these halls? Up to no good? Why don't we get up to no good together? You know they say women just get better with age, like a fine wine or a cheese.
:'''Sam''': I-I, um, I'm lactose intolerant.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Cut the crap Wadsworth. What are you doing hiding dead maids in secret rooms?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Clown school Colette?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Let me guess. You two got bored last Christmas. 
:'''Dash''': New Canaan Clambake, actually.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': We're not the bad guys Dash.
:'''Dash''': I beg to differ, you're wearing flannel.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Olivia''': I'm not the maid.
:'''Heddy''': That explains the dust.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Olivia you don't have to do this, being a monster is a choice.
:'''Olivia''': That choice was made for me a long time ago.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Dean what was that all about back there?
:'''Dean''': What are you talking about?
:'''Sam''': I mean, all those extra shots after the shifter was already dead. What was that?
:'''Dean''': I don't know. Target practice?
:'''Sam''': Come on man, I'm serious. Are you sure it wasn't, I don't know demon residue or something to do with the Mark?
:'''Dean''': No none of that.
:'''Sam''': Right. Look man I gotta be honest-
:'''Dean''': Oh my god Sam, it was my first kill since I've been back. You know, I got a little anxious, I just wanted to make sure it was done right. Plain and simple. Why am I even explaining this to you?

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 10)#ep202|Girls, Girls, Girls]]'' [10.07]==
:''[Sam is reading Dean’s dating profile.]''
:'''Sam''': 'Oh baby whatever you want, I'm just burning up thinking about you.'
:'''Dean''': They get raunchier.
:'''Sam''': Yeah I see that, it's like a Penthouse letter.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': We detoured eight hours so you could get laid?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hannah''': I'm sorry Castiel, I'm not going with you. I'm done. It's hard letting go -- the story, the mission. What of the humans, whose lives we sacrifice in the name of that mission, what of them? We always said the humans were our original mission; maybe it's time Castiel, time to put them first.
:'''Castiel''': Where is all this coming from?
:'''Hannah''': Being on Earth, working with you. I felt things, human things -- passions, hungers. To shower, feel water on my skin, to get closer to you. But all of that was nothing compared to what I felt when I saw him. Her husband, his anger and his grief. Caroline was inside me screaming out for him, for her life back. These feelings they aren't for me, for us. They belong to her. I know it's time to step aside... Goodbye Castiel.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''' Gerald''': Your decree last month, soul deals way down after the war with Abaddon. You said that you were looking at proactive and out of the box strategies to get numbers back up.
:''' Crowley''': So you and your half-wit pal threw me into the sex trade? I'm evil, that's just tacky.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': I'm not a demon any more.
:'''Cole''': Were you a demon when you murdered my father?
:'''Dean''': No.
:'''Cole''': Then you're still a monster.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cole''': You say that now, but the last time we fought you couldn't even remember his name.
:'''Dean''': 2003 Nyack, New York, Ed Trenton. I was working a case three dead, livers ripped out and eaten by your father.
:'''Cole''': Livers.
:'''Dean''': I tracked him down that night, to your house.
:'''Cole''': When you say he was a monster, what kind of monster was he?
:'''Dean''': I don't know, I never seen that kind before, never seen it again. All I know is that he came home that night looking to kill, it could have been you, it could have been your mom.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cole''': My whole life I've been...
:'''Dean''': I get it, that was your story. Look man I got one of those too, okay but those stories that we tell that keep us going, sometimes they blind us. They take us to dark places, kinda place where I might beat the crap out of a good man, just for the fun of it. The people who love me, they pulled me back from that edge. Cole, once you touch that darkness, it never goes away. Now the truth is, I'm past saving. I know how my story ends; it's at the edge of a blade or the barrel of a gun. So the question is that going to be today, it gonna be that gun?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': What you said earlier back there, about being past saving were you really-
:'''Dean''': I was just telling the guy what he needed to hear. We better go.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''' Rowena''': The king at last. King of what, Lilliput? I mean I heard you were short, but. Well?! Get to it. Time for the coup de grace. Wee boy, is something the matter with you? Cat got your tongue? Hmmm? Meow.
:''' Crowley''': Mother?

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 10)#ep203|Hibbing 911]]'' [10.08]==
:'''Sam''': Hey, we good?
:'''Dean''': Aces. Yeah, I love the smell of parchment in the morning.
:'''Sam''': I mean how much lore is even left? We got nothing on the Mark?
:'''Dean''': Right, you think these eggheads with all the crap they amassed over the years would have actually collected something important. Ah, here -- 'He-wolf, She-wolf: A Study in Werewolf Transgenderism,' six hundred pages, volume one. But, uh, something important, like I don't know maybe the oldest symbol known to man -- 'that's not worth our time, it's not weird enough.'

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Alright, well, enjoy the retreat.
:'''Jody''': Screw you, Winchester.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jody''': Honestly Donna, I just met the guy but, Doug seems like kind of a dick.
:'''Donna''': But he was my dick... I'm gonna hit the can, you know, where it's less gross.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Donna''': Uh Oh, flying the coop without me? Again.
:'''Jody''': No.
:'''Donna''': No I get it, I do. Take a hint Donna. Right?
:'''Jody''': There's been another animal attack.
:'''Donna''': Shut the front door. Says who?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Donna''': So. Fresh corpse, jerk ex-husband, out of control teen. Wanna get blingo'd on my mini-bar and watch pay-per-view?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Alright I'll go try and crack the police server.
:'''Dean''':Yeah, maybe I'll go crack the deputy.
:'''Sam''': Right. But this time try to be a little less defensive of your pretend job.
:'''Dean''':You know this badge means something.
:'''Sam''': I made it at Kinkos.
:'''Dean''': Yes you did. Be proud of that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Donna''': Look at all this sunblock, you'd think he's at the Copacabana or something.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Donna''': Wait so, when we were at the weight loss spa.
:'''Dean''': Monsters, sucking out your fat. We took care of it.
:'''Donna''': Ah jeez. I knew losing ten pounds that fast was too good to be true.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': You're gonna sit this one out.
:'''Donna''': Stuff you Dean, or whatever your real name is.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Star''': It's all love pretty boy. All of you will become all of us. We won't waste one bit.
:'''Dean''': Okay Mufasa enough with the circle of life crap. You're a vampire, you're scum, end of story.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jody''': You okay?
:'''Donna''': Yeah, other than feeling like I wanna hurl. I just chopped off a vampire's head.
:'''Jody''': You were great at that.
:'''Donna''': Thanks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': You good?
:'''Dean''': Yeah. Yeah, you know for the first time since I've been back, I didn't feel like the Mark was pushing me.
:'''Sam''': First time?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Donna''': Knowing that these things are out there, makes the world seem -- I don't know bigger, darker.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''':All I know is that back there, killing those vamps. I felt like me again.
:'''Sam''': Alright, so that's good right?
:'''Dean''': Yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jody''': You know if you want any pointers on how to fight this crazy crap, I'm willing to fill you in -- you know what kills what.
:'''Donna''': I'd like that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Okay, let's go with that.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 10)#ep204|The Things We Left Behind]]'' [10.09]==
:'''Castiel''': I'm not your father.
:'''Claire''': Right. I'm not your father. Those are first words you said to me, remember?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Claire''': My Dad, is he still in there?
:'''Castiel''': No, the human soul it can only occupy a body while it retains a certain structural integrity, and this vessel it was, it was ripped apart on a sub-atomic level by an archangel.
:'''Claire''': Then how are you-
:'''Castiel''': I was reassembled, your father is in Heaven.
:'''Claire''': Well, yeah for him. Anyway good talk, you can get the hell out of my life now.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Claire''': You changed. The Castiel I met, he was crappy, like super stuck-up and a dick and you just wanted to punch in his stupid angel face.
:'''Castiel''': Don’t think I was that bad.
:'''Claire''':  You totally were. And now you’re just, I don’t know, nicer. Kind of a doof... no offence.
:'''Castiel''': Yes, well... before I was very self assured. I was convinced I was on this righteous path. Now I realize that there is no righteous path, it's just people trying to do their best in a world where is far too easy to do your worst.
:'''Claire''': Wow, deep.
:'''Castiel''': Yeah, for a doof.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': This is why you called us, this is your emergency?
:'''Castiel''': Yes!
:'''Dean''': No Cas, an emergency is a dead body, okay or a wigged out angel, or the Apocalypse take three. Some chick bolting on you is no emergency, that's every Friday night for Sam.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': So you’re having a midlife crisis?
:'''Castiel''': I'm extremely old, I think I'm entitled.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Cas I need you to promise me something.
:'''Castiel''': Of course.
:'''Dean''': If I do go darkside you've got to take me out.
:'''Castiel''': What do you mean?
:'''Dean''': Knife me, smite me, throw me into the friggin’ sun; whatever. And don’t let Sam get in the way, cause he’ll try. I can’t go down that road again man, I can’t be that thing again.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''': She was a horrible mother. Did I tell you the time that she almost traded me for three pigs, three! I was an attractive child, I could juggle. I was worth five pigs, at least.
:'''Gerald''': My Ma used to burn me with cigarettes.
:'''Crowley''': Nobody cares Gerald. Don't get me started about the name, Fergus. Sounds like venereal disease, and not the fun kind.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Whoa hey, Miley Cyrus, settle.
:'''Claire''': Eat me, Hasselhoff.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Claire''': I used to pray to you Castiel, every night. I would beg you to bring him home safe.
:'''Castiel''': I know.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''': I didn't even have a father!
:'''Rowena''': Of course you had a father. You were just conceived during a winter solstice orgy, and it's not like I was taking names.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': We know John Winchester isn't going to win any #1 Dad awards, but damn if he wasn't there when we needed him.
:'''Sam''': Hey, uh, tell him about that time in New York.
:'''Dean''': Oh Yeah... Yeah, okay so, ah. We were working this haunting in Long Island, and me and Sam begged the old man to let us go to the city, for once.
:'''Sam''': He had this thing about New York; too big, too loud, too dirty.
:'''Dean''': And he hated the Yankees.
:'''Sam''': Big time, yeah.
:'''Dean''': Somehow we convinced him to let us go. So we all go, we all you know see the sites and ride the subway, eat too much pizza, the whole nine. By about midnight Sam and Dad are zonked, and I figure 'screw it, I'm going to CBGB.'
:'''Sam''': CBGB is...
:'''Castiel''': I know. It's where the Ramones and Blondie got their start.
:'''Sam''': Right, wow. Anyway he was way underage at the time.
:'''Dean''': So I get there, I sneak in, and it is nuts. I mean people are drinking, and they're smoking, and they're snorting whatever. There's a 500 pound guy on the stage with mohawk just screaming. My mind is blown I don't even know what to do. Then this girl walks up, and she's 'Hey why don't come over sit down with me and my friends at this table,' 'yeah, alright.'
:'''Sam''': Yeah and they get him drunk. First time.
:'''Dean''': But not fun drunk, I'm not quite sure what was in that stuff, but the room starts to spin, and I feel like I'm going to puke forever. Right about that time, I hear him. 'Dean Winchester.' My old man, I don't know how but he found me. And now I'm really freaking out, because he's just standing there not saying anything, and I look around everyone else is freaking out too in fact no one is looking him in the eye, then finally this one guy with like a safety pin in his nose and a 'kill everything' tattoo looks up and he says 'sorry sir.' Yeah, 'sorry sir' heh. John frickin' Winchester.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': He saved you.
:'''Dean''': Yeah and you know what he got for that? Me whining about how much he embarrassed me. Me telling him that I hated him. But then he stopped and turned around looked at me and said, 'Son, you don't like me that's fine. It's not my job to be liked.'
:'''Sam''': 'It's my job to raise you right.'
:'''Dean''': And he did.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': Do you think Claire is in trouble?
:'''Dean''': She's hanging out with a guy named Randy, she's in trouble.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Dean, Dean hey. Tell me you had to do this.
:'''Dean''': I did - I didn't mean to.
:'''Sam''': No; tell me it was them or you!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 10)#ep205|The Hunter Games]]'' [10.10]==
:'''Dean''': That was a massacre, is what it was. There was a time I was a hunter, not a stone cold killer. You can say it, you're not wrong. I crossed a line. Guys this things got to go.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Metatron''': Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on there badass. Lighten up. Why do you just assume I won't help?
:'''Sam''': Because you're a dickwad.
:'''Metatron''': But I'm your dickwad. I have a special place in my... non-heart for you both, to which end ta-da! I would be tickled to help you pop this Biblical zit. To do it you are going to need one specific thing... Your old bud, the First Blade.
:'''Sam''': What?
:'''Metatron''': As I said ain't life a bitch?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''':   You, Moose, you’re the sane one. You on board with this?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Crowley''':  You want me to procure the most dangerous weapon on the planet for Dean Winchester, the man who goes mental every time he touches it? I thought you wanted to go for a beer, catch a film.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Okay look, the Blade may be powered down, but the Mark is not. I'm doing everything I can to keep it together. Now you think the body count around me is high right now? Wait till Hal takes over.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': The first blade is back in play and Crowley is the one getting it? I don’t mean to be an alarmist but...
:'''Dean''': Yeah well you know us, when we screw ourselves, we like to go whole hog.
:'''Castiel''': This would be the Crowley who let the blade turn Dean into a demon?
:'''Dean''': I don't have a choice, okay. I don't do this I'm down the rabbit hole; hear evil, see evil, do evil - the trifecta.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''':  We have the first blade
:'''Metatron''': Not here? Not on your person?
:'''Dean''':  Not saying, so back to you what’s next?
:'''Metatron''': This is where it gets kinda interesting.
:'''Dean''':  Aha.
:'''Metatron''':  It’s very lonely here, and I have very little to do but think, and it occurred to me that you really need this mark taken off of you, and in order to do that you really need me. So here’s the deal, that first little tip I gave you, a freebie, just ‘cause you’re you. Every future step, they’re gonna cost you, big, oh and FYI there’s a bunch.
:''[Dean locks the rooms’ door]''
:'''Metatron''':  What you doing there slugger?
:'''Dean''':  I’m settling a score that’s taken way too long to settle. Oh and while I do that I’m gonna get some information, and I’m gonna enjoy every minute of it. [He picks up an angel blade] Because you’re going to tell me everything, all of it, and it ain’t gonna cost me a damn dime... slugger.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Metatron''': My morality is being judged by Dean Winchester? How many people have suffered and died because they believed in you? How many times have you lied to Sam, including, oh by the way, when he was possessed by an angel? And you say, 'oh well it's all for the greater good' but lately buddy, that greater good thing went away didn't it? Now people die because you want them to. [Dean punches Metatron] Good Dean, go darker. [Dean punches Metatron] Go deeper. [Dean punches Metatron repeatedly]  Surely you noticed every time you respond, when the Mark gets you all twitchy, you fall deeper under its spell. You think roughing up a few demons or humans makes it worse? Try messing with the Scribe of God, bucko!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Metatron''': And then Kevin's death all on you, you put him in harms way and kept him there. Gadreel possessing Sam, who was it who tricked Sam into letting him in? And then my personal favorite - Dean Winchester. Whose entire existence is defined by a war on the dark and monstrous, bromancing his way around the country with the King of Hell!
:''[Dean punches Metatron]'' 
:'''Dean''': Let’s try this again. What is, the next step?!
:'''Metatron''': What is it you humans say so inelegantly? Oh yes, ‘go screw yourself’

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': He said the river ends at the source.
:'''Sam''': What does that mean?
:'''Dean''': Maybe nothin'. It was the last thing he said before you guys busted in.
:'''Sam''': Dean, look man we had to...
:'''Dean''': Hey, no I get it, alright. I was going to kill him, and I couldn't stop myself.
:'''Sam''': We'll figure it out alright. Remember what Cas said about needing a powerful force?
:'''Dean''': Yeah so?
:'''Sam''': So, I've been thinking, look. Cain still has the Mark right? And he's lived with it, for years he's lived with it. So yeah, the Mark is strong, but Dean maybe there's a part of you that wants to give into it, and maybe you have to fight that, you know? Maybe part of that powerful force has to be you.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 10)#ep206|There's No Place Like Home]]'' [10.11]==
:'''Dean''': Sooner we get rid of this demonic tramp stamp, I am back on the booze, burgers... and more booze.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': What are you saying Charlie tortured someone? Our Charlie, yay high? Wouldn't hurt a hobbit, practically sparkles.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Good Charlie''': And let me just tell you being good is really annoying. Normally at a place like this, I'd be pounding Harvey Wallbangers and checking out the bartender's ass. Now all I wanna do is sip club sodas and send her to college.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Charlie... Lets talk about this.
:'''Dark Charlie''': You Winchester boys and your talk. Blah blah blah repressed feelings. Blah blah blah passive aggression.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Charlie''': We are going to fix this. I'm not letting what happened to me happen to you.
:'''Dean''': But it's already happened.
:'''Sam''': Cain found a way to live with it.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, after centuries of murder.
:'''Charlie''': Yeah well, there's one thing you have that he didn't. You're a Winchester. I forgive you Dean.
:'''Dean''': Yeah well, I don't.
:'''Charlie''': I know, kinda your move. How's that working out for you?
:'''Dean''': I'm so sorry kiddo.
:'''Charlie''': Then prove it.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 10)#ep207|About A Boy]]'' [10.12]==
:'''Homeless Guy''': Look we all know whats going here, okay.
:'''Dean''': Don't say it.
:'''Homeless Guy''': Aliens.
:'''Dean''': He said it.
:'''Sam''': Yeah, he did.
:'''Homeless Guy''': Dude was abducted believe me I know. May 2003 those suckers they grabbed me, and they probed me everywhere, and I'm talking everywhere.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Tina''': You know before, I thought you were just another drunk.
:'''Dean''': I prefer functional alcoholic.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': How?
:'''Dean''': No clue, some Scarface looking dude, bright light. Next thing I know, I wake up looking like Beiber.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': What?
:'''Sam''': Nothing. Okay not nothing. This is bizarre, even for us. Dean This is insane, You're like 14, how does it even feel.
:'''Dean''': Well, I'm me. I'm old me, but a kid. It's freakin' weird dude, and...
:'''Sam''': What?
:'''Dean''': There was a Taylor Swift song on the bus that I hopped to the motel, and uh, I liked it Sam. I liked it a lot.
:'''Sam''': Okay.
:'''Dean''': And my voice is weird, and I've got like nine zits, and I have zero control over this [points to his groin]. I mean it's up, it's down, it's up for no reason-
:'''Sam''': That's enough yeah, no thanks. That's just called puberty.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, which sucks. Again.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Look, man do I wish the Mark was gone? Yes of course, absolutely I do. But I wanted you back, and here you are and you didn't Hulk out, I'll take the win.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 10)#ep208|Halt &amp; Catch Fire]]'' [10.13]==
:'''Dean''': What did Cas say?
:'''Sam''': Err Good news, bad news. Bad news, he discovered riverboat gambling. Good news, he thinks he might be closing in on Cain.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Alright, so big brother didn't getting along with little brother, was pissed off he was driving his baby. I get it.
:'''Sam''': What are you saying, if you died and I drove your car, you'd kill me?
:'''Dean''': If you stunk her up with taquitos, probably.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': I've made more mistakes than I can count. Ones that haunt me day and night.
:'''Sam''': So how do you deal?
:'''Dean''': Whiskey. Denial. I do my best to make things right, whatever they may be... For you maybe it's, maybe it's coming clean. You know finding a way to ask for forgiveness, but not breaking the bank at your local florist, I mean real forgiveness. You can't just bury stuff like this, you gotta deal with it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''':Oh yeah, sure Sammy, we'll just kill the internet. Wait, can we?
:'''Sam''':  No, no not really.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Looks like Andrew wasn't the only one who chose peace.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, looks like. Think I'm gonna follow his lead too.
:'''Sam''': What do you mean?
:'''Dean''': My peace is helping people, working cases. That's all I wanna do.
:'''Sam''': Is this about the mark?
:'''Dean''': I’m done trying to find a cure, Sammy.
:'''Sam''': Dean, Cas is so close
:'''Dean''': To what? We don’t even know if there is a cure. So far we’ve got nothing, we have found nothing in the Men of Letters library, Metatron may or may not know something, and maybe Cas is onto something with Cain, maybe.
:'''Sam''': Yeah maybe, nothing is guaranteed Dean, so what? You can’t just stop fighting.
:'''Dean''': Yes we can. 
:'''Sam''': So this is it? You’re just gonna, gonna give up?
:'''Dean''': No, I'm not just going to give up. I appreciate the effort, okay I do. But the answer is not out there, it's with me. I need to be the one calling the shots here, okay? I can't keep waking up every morning with this false hope... I gotta know where I stand otherwise I'm gonna lose my freaking mind... So I'm gonna fight it, till I can't fight it anymore. And when all is said and done, I'll go down swinging.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 10)#ep209|The Executioner's Song]]'' [10.14]==
:'''Castiel''': This is a massacre.
:'''Cain''': Yes. And soon it will be a genocide. My children, my whole poisoned issue. Lot of them out there right now... killers, fighters, thieves. Some more peaceful than others, but they still carry it... the disease. If the Mark wants blood, I'll give it mine.
:'''Castiel''': You are Adam and Eve's first born, your descendants are legion.
:'''Cain''': At most I'm culling... one in ten.
:'''Castiel''': Of everyone.
:'''Cain''': I've got time.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': You know last week when I said I would go down swinging when the time came? I meant that, I was at peace with that... I just didn't realize that the time would come so soon. Like right now... I'm scared Sam.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cain''': You're holding back! What is it Dean? You think if you hold back just enough you won't succumb? That you'll leave this fight the same as you entered? Look to my example boy! There is no resisting the Mark or the Blade, there is only remission and relapse!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cain''': It's been too long. That old feeling, makes me wonder how I ever had the strength to resist... This may be hard to believe, what I'm about to do to you, but I care about you Dean, I truly do, but I know I'm doing you a favor. I'm saving you.
:'''Dean''': Saving me from what?
:'''Cain''': From your fate. Has it ever occurred to you? Have you never mused upon the fact that you are living my life in reverse. My story began when I killed my brother, and that's where your story will inevitably end.
:'''Dean''': No. Never.
:'''Cain''': It's called the Mark of Cain for a reason! First, first you'd kill Crowley... there'd be some strange mixed feelings on that one, but you'd have your reason, get it done, no remorse. And then you'd kill the angel Castiel, now that one, that I suspect would hurt something awful. And then... Then would come the murder you'd never survive, the one that would finally turn you into as a much of a savage as it did me... your brother Sam. The only thing standing between you and that destiny is this blade. You're welcome my son.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': How is he? ... Sam?
:'''Sam''': [Heartbrokenly] Cas, Dean’s in trouble

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 10)#ep210|The Things They Carried]]'' [10.15]==
:'''Dean''': Hey check it out.
:'''Sam''': [Slams shut his laptop] Hey.
:'''Dean''': Porn?
:'''Sam''': What? No it was nothing.
:'''Dean''': Hey look no judgement from me, just not where we eat.
:'''Sam''': Dude, it wasn't porn.
:'''Dean''': Okay, erotica whatever. Just zip it up.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Sam! I know what you're doing over there, and it ain't porn. Look man, we have checked every website, okay we checked it twice. Sam when we work a case, there's always that-that point where we have to face the truth, right? Even if we don't like it. Well truth is, there's no way around this. We saw what happened to Cain, okay. I'm not happy about it, but I gotta move on. So I'm gonna keep doing what we do... while I still can, and I'd like you to be there with me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cole''': Damn. Day in day out, you and Sammy saving people from things they just can't wrap their minds around, and nobody even notices. At least I get a medal for my efforts, but you... I tried to kill your ass.
:'''Dean''': Well, good times.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cole''': My Dad, he got something inside him too right? You think this is what he felt like, when he turned.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Maybe, he was human before he was a monster.
:'''Cole''': I get it, why you did it Dean. My Dad wasn't my dad anymore, if I go down that same road, I want you to do that to me too.
:'''Dean''': That road? That means giving up. If you think that's where your headed, then you've got it ass backwards. You're gonna fight, harder then you ever have. You understand.
:'''Cole''': I appreciate the talk coach, but honestly all I can think about is slicing open your wrists and drinking you like a fountain. I guess that makes me a monster, don't it?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Don't blame yourself for Kit, man.
:'''Sam''': I can't help it Dean, it feels crappy.
:'''Dean''': I know it does.
:'''Sam''': I tried, I did, I tried. But I couldn't save this one.
:'''Dean''': You know you can do everything right, and even still sometimes, the guy still dies.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 10)#ep211|Paint It Black]]'' [10.16]==
:'''Ghost Girl''': There is not much difference between madness and devotion.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Father Delaney''':  Is there anything else on your mind Agent Allman?
:'''Dean''': What if I said I... I didn’t want to die... yet. And that I wasn’t ready.
:'''Father Delaney''':  Are you expecting to?
:'''Dean''': Always. The life I live, the work I do, I pretty much just figured that was all there was to me. You know, tearing around and jam the key in the ignition and haul ass till I ran out of gas. I guess I just thought, sooner or later I’d go out the same way that I live. Pedal to the metal and that would be it.
:'''Father Delaney''':  But Now?
:'''Dean''': Now, em, recent events made me think I may be closer to that than I really thought. And, I don’t know, I mean there’s... there’s things, there’s... people, feelings that I-I-I want to experience differently than I have before, or maybe even for the first time.
:'''Father Delaney''':  Go a little deeper perhaps than with Gina
:'''Dean''': Yeah, yeah I’m just starting to think that, maybe there’s more to it all than I thought.
:'''Father Delaney''':  Learning there’s more to the universe than your tiny world can be a frightening discovery. You truly believe in God agent? Because that can be a comfort.
:'''Dean''': I believe there is a God... But I’m not sure he still believes in us.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': I heard what Sister Matthias was saying about, you know, hiding pain by taking on a mission. And I... I know what you’re doing a little bit, and it’s okay. I mean, it’s fine, I get it, I’ve done it before too. But I don’t buy for one second that the mark is terminal diagnosis, so don’t go making peace with that idea, there has to be a way, there will be a way and we will find it, that’s what we do. So believe that.
:'''Dean''': Okay Sammy.
:'''Sam''': You wanna try that again like you mean it?
:'''Dean''': Okay.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 10)#ep212|Inside Man]]'' [10.17]==
:'''Crowley''': ''[Walks in on Rowena being naked in front of a mirror.]'' Oh, god!
:'''Rowena''': ''[Quickly puts a robe on]'' Please. It's nothing you haven't seen before.
:'''Crowley''': You're my mother. I don't want to ''see'' anything! I've been to hell, thanks.
:'''Rowena''': Next time, knock. 
:'''Crowley''': This is ''my'' domain. I don't knock. 
:'''Rowena''': ''[sighs]'' Did you want something, Fergus?
:'''Crowley''': It's Crow- Forget it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mr Price''':  What are you?
:'''Castiel''': I'm an angel.
:'''Mr Price''':  No, you can't be!
:'''Castiel''': Why not?
:'''Mr Price''':  Because I'm an atheist.
:'''Sam''':  Not anymore.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby''': If, uh, I’m understanding right, you got to get the Mark of Cain off Dean before it turns him back into a demon?
:'''Sam''': Pretty much, yeah.
:'''Bobby''': So, just another day at the office for you boys, huh?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby''':  Hey, Sam? Remember when this job was just.. chopping up some fang and tossing back a cold one?
:'''Sam''': Yeah.. I miss that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Angel''': The Bobby's are fighting back. All hands, we need all hands. They're surly, I repeat the Bobby's are surly.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': A wise man once told me, 'family don't end in blood.' But it doesn't start there either. Family cares about you, not what you can do for them family's there; for the good, bad, all of it. They got your back, even when it hurts. That's family. That sound like your mother?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby''': ''This'' is the scribe of god? He looks like a fraggle. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Metatron''': I know why you're here &quot;Ass-stiel&quot;, and I'm not interested.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Metatron''': ''[Sees Sam]'' Sam-tastic!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Metatron''': I call shotgun! 
:'''Castiel''': You don't get to make demands, Metatron. You're not in charge here. 
:'''Metatron''': Oh, I'm afraid I am. I know about the mark. I have your grace. ''I'' make the rules. It's called leverage, boys. Learn it, live it, love it.
:''[Castiel takes Metatron's grace and Sam shoots Metatrons leg.]''
:'''Metatron''': Ow! Ow! ''[groans]''
:'''Castiel''': We have your grace, Metatron. You're mortal now. So you ''will'' answer our questions, or Sam will, um... What's the phrase? Blow your fricking brains out. It's called leverage, Metatron.
:'''Sam''': Learn it, live it, love it.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 10)#ep213|Book Of The Damned]]'' [10.18]==
:'''Metatron''': And Goose Bumps- don't even get me started on those! Creepy! And yet.. arousing. 
:''[Castiel calls Sam. Sam answers.]''
:'''Sam''': Cass. 
:'''Castiel''': ''[Annoyed]'' Can I just kill him now?
:'''Metatron''': You know I can hear you, right?
:'''Sam''': No, we need him alive. For now. Look, after he gives you your grace back, you can do whatever you want with him.
:'''Castiel''': Well, I'd like to kill him slowly.
:'''Metatron''': I am like two feet from you!
:'''Castiel''': ''[To Sam]'' Anything on the mark of Cain?
:'''Metatron''': Every word- crystal clear!
:'''Sam''': No. I mean, I've been digging for something, for anything, but... I don't know, Cass.
:'''Castiel''': There ''is'' an answer out there. We will find a cure for Dean.
:'''Metatron''': ''[scoffs]'' I don't know why you'd want to cure that little firecracker now. He's finally interest- ''[Castiel punches him]'' Ooh!
:'''Castiel''': Well, just keep digging.
:'''Sam''': Ya.. ''[Sees Dean walking in]'' Yeah, uh, no one here by that name. Sorry. ''[Hangs up]''
:'''Castiel''': Sam? ''[puts his phone down]''
:'''Metatron''': Lose reception? Or did he hang up on you? 
:''[Castiel gives Metatron an annoyed look]''
:'''Metatron''': ''[Chuckles]'' He hung up on you, didn't he? ''[He gets punched again]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Charlie''': I'm exhausted, and I'm-I'm bleeding, and I'm in a phone booth. A phone booth, I didn't know these things existed outside of Bill &amp; Ted's...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Until what? Tell me. Until what, Dean? Until I watch you become a demon again, until then? I can't do that, I won't do that.
:'''Dean''': Well then you'll just have to lock me up, bind me to the Bunker like you did last time.
:'''Charlie''': That doesn't solve anything.
:'''Sam''': Look jut let us translate the book, okay. if there is a cure we'll do it and deal with the consequences later. I can't lose you!
:'''Dean''': Really?
:'''Sam''': Yeah really.
:'''Dean''': You change your mind on that 'cause that's not what you said last time.
:'''Sam''': Come on man, you know I didn't mean-
:'''Dean''': This is my cross to bear Sam, mine. And that book is not the answer, now we gotta destroy it before it falls into the wrong hands, and that includes me!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Metatron''': You know we really do make a good team, kinda like a buddy comedy -- without the comedy.
:'''Castiel''': Or the buddies.
:'''Metatron''': Now come on, back at the diner, that was some pretty awesome dynamic duo action.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Charlie''': You know, I haven't been a hunter for very long, but it feels like this is the life. Mostly ends in Sophie's Choices, death, or tears. Usually all of the above, huh? 
:''[Sam chuckles and nods]'' 
:'''Charlie''': How did this become my life? I mean, I was gonna own my own start up, marry ScarJo, invent something cool. Now, I'm just... I'm just happy to be alive.
:'''Sam''': You know, when Dean came to get me at school, I-I told myself... One last job, you know? One more job. And then when -- when I, um... When I lost Jess.. I, again, told myself, one more job. There's always one more job, you know? And one more job and one more job, and then I was gonna go back to law and -- and to ''my'' life.
:'''Charlie''': You were the Dread Pirate Roberts of hunting.
:'''Sam''': ''[Chuckles]'' Yeah. I guess I really understand now that... This ''is'' my life. I love it. But I can't do it.. without my brother. I don't want to do it without my brother. And if he's gone, then I don't...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Charlie''': Do you think you could do anything about my carpal tunnel? [He places two fingers to her forehead] Is that it?
:'''Castiel''': Your carpal tunnel and your bullet wound are now healed. You may want to continue wearing your wrist brace at night though.
:'''Charlie''': [Punching his shoulder] Did we just become best friends?

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 10)#ep214|The Werther Project]]'' [10.19]==

:'''Dean''': Come on, man. It’s the only way I can take the edge off. I’m sorry. I don’t always like to wait around for you, especially with you looking at me like that all the time.
:'''Sam''': Look at you like what?
:'''Dean''': Like that. Like I’m some sort of a-a-a diseased killer puppy. You know what, man? I’m sweaty and I’m covered in vamp juice. Can we just talk about this later? I’d like to get back to the bunker, get my buzz on, and, uh, you know, pass out watching “Speed 2 – Cruise Control.” We cool?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': You saw him? Oh, tell me you did. I’m sorry, but my name is Dwight Twilley. I’m with the neighborhood watch. We’re – we’re looking into a few recent break-ins. And if you saw the guy and you – you could give a description, it would be mighty helpful. If I could – if I could just have a minute of your time? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Suzie''': You think Dean’s the wild card, the loose cannon. But don’t you see? Making deals with witches, opening Pandora’s box down there? You’re the reckless one. You’ll do anything to keep clinging to that doomed brother of yours. How many more will die, Sammy? You know it. You have to be stopped. And the only one who can stop you is you! Do it, Sammy! End this farce once and for all!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Benny''': Oh, I-I’m sorry. I forgot… about your plan. You gonna get Sam and Cas to put you down? You really think that they’re gonna keep that agreement? Come on. Dean, let’s say they do. Do you think they will ever recover from that? It will ruin them. This little backup plan of yours, I know you’ve been thinking about it for a time, I know it’s been gnawin’ at you. You can’t leave that job to them.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': The universe is trying to tell us something we both should already know. We’re stronger together than apart.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 10)#ep215|Angel Heart]]'' [10.20]==
:'''Castiel''': I need help from both of you. You were both troubled teens. You speak her language.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': I got it at the Hot Topical.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Claire''': You always get along with your mom?
:'''Sam''': Never got the chance to find out. My mom died when I was a baby.
:'''Claire''': I'm-I'm sorry, I didn't-
:'''Sam''': Oh no, it's okay. I got to know her later in life. And yeah, I suppose we got along okay.
:'''Claire''': What?
:'''Sam''': In this line of work, death isn't always goodbye.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': All right, I'm gonna get suited up and head back over there.
:'''Castiel''': I'm coming with you.
:'''Claire''': I'm coming with you, too.
:'''Dean''': ''[looks at Sam]'' You wanna get in on this?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Alright. You know what? If we stay cooped up in this motel room all night long, I'm gonna lose my mind.
:'''Claire''': Spoiler alert- You already have.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': It's in the hole! It's in the hole! Bill Murray? Caddyshack? It's a classic!
:'''Claire''': Haven't seen it. Not a fan.
:'''Dean''': How dare you!
:'''Claire''': You done?
:'''Dean''': Yeah, I'm done... I'm done with your whole generation.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Claire''': Did you-did you see that? Did that go in the hole? I wasn't watching, did the ball go in the hole?
:'''Dean''': Happy Gilmore. Well played. 
:'''Claire''': Thank you. 
:'''Dean''': Yep. 
:''[Claire starts to walk away]''
:'''Dean''': ''[Mutters mockingly]'' Did that go in, did that go in?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': Claire, what happened to your dad, I'm sorry, okay, I really am. But, uh, there's something you gotta know; your dad's sacrifice was not meaningless, okay he gave up his body, his vessel. Because he did that, Cas was able to save the world, the world. Your father's a hero, he did not die in vain.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Castiel''': ''[Referring to Claire]'' Someone please just tell me she's gonna be okay.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 10)#ep216|Dark Dynasty]]'' [10.21]==

:'''Dean''': Well, there's pretty much what we do know, that they screwed with financial markets, they helped Hitler get started, along with god knows what else -- probably disco.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Uh, what about you? How you doing?
:'''Dean''': Oh, you mean the thing? Yeah. Yeah. You know, some dark thoughts, creepy visions, violent urges. Same old same old. I'm happy I got a murder to focus on, though.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': [Answering Sam's phone] Cas?
:'''Castiel''': Sam.
:'''Dean''': No, it's Dean. What's up?
:'''Castiel''': Nothing. I'm just, uh... Just staying in touch... Like I do.
:'''Dean''': Something on your mind?
:'''Castiel''': No. This call is pointless. My ride's here.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dean''': You know I thought, man there's a lot of them Styne's, you know it's like alpha male central. And then I thought, and this is key, I thought, this is bad, but it would really blow if these guys had the book. At least they don't have the damn book.
:'''Sam''': Yeah.
:'''Dean''': At least the damn book burned, right Sam? But then Eldon Frankenstein hits me with this little fun fact, he says that the book can't be destroyed, says that it can't be slicked, diced, shredded, burnt, drowned, can not be destroyed. Ain't that crazy? Because I know I saw something burn [Sam's phone rings] Sam you answer that so help me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Charlie''': [On the phone to Sam] They think I have the book.
:'''Sam''': If you have the book give it to them.
:'''Dean''': Charlie has the damn Book of the Damned?!
:'''Charlie''': No, I don't have it. I just -- I I just -- I have my notes.
:'''Sam''': Then give them your notes, Charlie! Give them the code -- whatever they want!
:'''Dean''': [Taking the phone from Sam] Charlie, I don't know what the hell is going on, but you need to listen to me. Give whoever that is whatever they want. You understand? Charlie?!
:'''Charlie''': I can't do that, Dean.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 10)#ep217|The Prisoner]]'' [10.22]==

:'''Sam''': Is that you talking or the mark?
:'''Dean''': Does it matter?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Sam''': I have been the one out there, messed up and scared and alone. And Dean…
:'''Castiel''': Did whatever he could to save you.
:'''Sam''': Yes. I mean it’s become his thing, I owe him this. I owe him everything. I know he pretends that he can ride the mark out, but we know the truth. We know what happens if we don’t cure him. We both know where that road ends.
:'''Castiel''': Black eyes and blood.
:'''Sam''': Yes.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Crowley''': You’re right. I am a monster. And I’ve done bad. I’ve done things you cannot even imagine. Horrible, evil, messy things. And I’ve loved every. Damn. Minute.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Castiel''': Maybe you could fight the mark for years. Maybe centuries, like Cain did. But you cannot fight it forever. And when you finally turn, and you will turn, Sam, and everyone you know, everyone you love, they could be long dead. Everyone except me. I’m the one who will have to watch you murder the world. So if there’s even a small chance that we can save you, I won’t let you walk out of this room.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Dean''': You and Sam, stay the hell away from me. Next time I won’t miss.

==''[[w:Supernatural (season 10)#ep218|My Brother's Keeper]]'' [10.23]==

:'''Crowley''': Who summons anymore? Couldn't you call?
:'''Castiel''': You're not in my contacts list.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Death''': Before there was light, before there was God and the archangels there wasn't nothing, there was the Darkness. A horribly destructive amoral force that was beaten back by God and his archangels in a terrible war. God locked the Darkness away where it could do no harm, and he created a Mark that would serve as both lock and key, which he entrusted to his most valued lieutenant... Lucifer. But the Mark began to assert its own will, revealed itself as a curse and began to corrupt. Lucifer became jealous of man, God banished Lucifer to Hell, Lucifer passed the Mark to Cain, who passed the Mark to you -- the proverbial finger in the dyke.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Sam''': Wait, [he pulls two pictures from his pocket] take these. And one day, when you make you're way back, let these be your guide. They can help you remember, what it was to be good, what it was to love.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Death''': It's the family you must proceed, Dean. To be what you are, to become what you've become is a stain on their memory. Do it, or I will.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Dean''': You okay?
:'''Sam''': I'll live. You?
:'''Dean''': Fantastic. I think I just killed Death.

==Cast==
*[[w:Jared Padalecki|Jared Padalecki]] - [[w:Sam Winchester|Sam Winchester]] 
*[[w:Jensen Ackles|Jensen Ackles]] - [[w:Dean Winchester|Dean Winchester]]
*[[w:Misha Collins|Misha Collins]] - [[w:Castiel_(Supernatural)|Castiel]]
*[[w:Mark A. Sheppard|Mark A. Sheppard]] - [[w:Crowley|Crowley]]
*[[w:Jim Beaver|Jim Beaver]] - [[w:Bobby Singer|Bobby Singer]]
*[[w:Amanda Tapping|Amanda Tapping]] - [[w:Naomi (Supernatural)|Naomi]]
*[[w:Curtis Armstrong|Curtis Armstrong]] - [[w:Metatron (Supernatural)|Metatron]]
*[[w:Felicia Day|Felicia Day]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Charlie Bradbury|Charlie Bradbury]]
*[[w:Erica Carroll|Erica Carroll]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Hannah|Hannah]]
*[[w:Kim Rhodes|Kim Rhodes]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Jody Mills|Sheriff Jody Mills]]
*[[w:Timothy Omundson|Timothy Omundson]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Cain|Cain]]
*[[w:Ruth Connell|Ruth Connell]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Rowena|Rowena]]
*[[w:Travis Aaron Wade|Travis Aaron Wade]] - [[w:w:Characters of Supernatural#Cole Trenton|Cole Trenton]]
*[[w:Kathryn Newton|Kathryn Newton]] - [[w:Claire Novak|Claire Novak]]
*[[w:Briana Buckmaster|Briana Buckmaster]] - [[w:Characters of Supernatural#Donna Hanscum|Sheriff Donna Hanscum]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{imdb title|0460681|Supernatural}}
*[http://www.supernaturalwiki.com Supernatural Wiki]
*[http://www.supernaturaltv.info Watch Supernatural]

{{center|'''Season'''&amp;nbsp; [[Supernatural (season 1)|1]] • [[Supernatural (season 2)|2]] • [[Supernatural (season 3)|3]] • [[Supernatural (season 4)|4]] • [[Supernatural (season 5)|5]] • [[Supernatural (season 6)|6]] • [[Supernatural (season 7)|7]] • [[Supernatural (season 8)|8]] • [[Supernatural (season 9)|9]] • [[Supernatural (season 10)|10]] • [[Supernatural (season 11)|11]] • [[Supernatural (season 12)|12]] • [[Supernatural (American TV series)|Main]]}}

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  <page>
    <title>Ignazio Silone</title>
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      <text bytes="2438" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Silone1.jpg|thumb|Ignazio Silone]]

'''[[w:Ignazio Silone|Ignazio Silone]]''' (1 May 1900 – 22 August 1978) was the pseudonym of '''Secondino Tranquilli''', an Italian author and politician.

==Quotes==
* &quot;Political regimes come and go, but bad habits endure.&quot; (alt trans = 'remain') 
** &quot;The Choice of Comrades&quot;, ''Dissent'' (Winter 1955).

*What struck me most about the Russian Communists, even in such really exceptional personalities as Lenin and Trotsky, was their utter incapacity to be fair in discussing opinions that conflicted with their own. The adversary, simply for daring to contradict, at once became a traitor, an opportunist, a hireling. ''An adversary in good faith'' is inconceivable to the Russian Communists. What an aberration of conscience this is, for so-called materialists and rationalists absolutely in their polemics to uphold the primacy of morals over intelligence! To find a comparable infatuation one has to go back to the Inquisition.
**''The God That Failed'', Crossman, Richard, ed. (1963). New York, NY: Harper &amp; Row. p. 108.

* Fascism was a counter-revolution against a revolution that never took place.
** ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=9scdAAAAMAAJ&amp;q=%22Fascism+was+a+counter-revolution+against+a+revolution+that+never+took+place%22&amp;pg=PA42#v=onepage The School for Dictators]'' (1938)

==About==
* This reminded me of what Ignazio Silone said in 1945 soon after he returned to Italy from his Zurich exile: &quot;The Fascism of tomorrow will never say 'I am Fascism.' It will say: 'I am anti-Fascism.'&quot;
** [[:w:François Bondy|François Bondy]], &quot;European Notebook&quot;, ''Encounter'', vol. 47 (1976), p. 51.
* Variant: When I met him in Geneva on the day of his scheduled return home after the long exile in Switzerland, Silone said abruptly: &quot;If at a future moment fascism will return, it will not be so stupid as to say: 'I am fascism.' It will say: 'I am antifascism.'&quot; 
** &quot;Ignazio Silone: In Memoriam&quot;, ''The Washington Quarterly'', vol. 2, issue 2 (1979).

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Silone, Ignazio}}
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[[Category:Politicians from Italy]]
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[[Category:Italian journalists]]
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[[Category:Social democrats]]</text>
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    <title>Through the Wormhole</title>
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'''''[[w:Through the Wormhole|Through the Wormhole]]''''' (2010–17) is an [[United States of America|American]] [[science]] [[w:documentary film|documentary]] [[television]] series narrated and hosted by American [[actor]] [[Morgan Freeman]].&amp;nbsp; It began airing on [[w:Science (TV network)|Science]] in the United States on 9 June 2010.

{{tv-stub}}
==Title sequence==
:'''[[Morgan Freeman]]''':&amp;nbsp; [[Space]], [[time]], [[life]] itself—the [[secrets]] of the [[cosmos]] lie through the wormhole.

==[[w:Through the Wormhole#Season 6 (2015)|Season 6]] (2015)==
===&quot;[[w:Through the Wormhole#ep49|Are We All Bigots?]]&quot; [6.01]===
:'''[[Morgan Freeman]]''':&amp;nbsp; If you think you [[perceive|see]] everyone as [[equal]], you're kidding yourself.&amp;nbsp; We all have [[biases]], and no matter how [[open-minded]] we [[think]] we are, [[stereotypes]] colour our [[judgements]] of others and can lead us badly astray.&amp;nbsp; We [[live]] in a [[society]] fractured by [[race]], [[religion]], even our favourite [[sports]] teams.&amp;nbsp; We divide ourselves into rival tribes.
:'''Morgan Freeman as the caricature of a politician on a television screen''':&amp;nbsp; &quot;The [[political]] divide between us grows deeper with every passing year.&quot;
:'''Morgan Freeman''':&amp;nbsp; When did [[hate]] become hard-wired into our [[brains]]?
:'''Morgan Freeman as the caricature of a politician on a television screen''':&amp;nbsp; &quot;We live in two different Americas, one for the [[rich]]…&quot;
:'''Morgan Freeman''':&amp;nbsp; Are we all ''[[born]]'' to [[discriminate]] against our fellow [[humans]]?&amp;nbsp; All we all ''[[bigots]]''?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Morgan Freeman''':&amp;nbsp; Now, I [[think]] of myself as an [[open-minded]] person, but [[scientists]] tell me I'm kidding myself, and so are you.&amp;nbsp; We ''all'' look at the world with [[prejudice]], and when you only have a split second to [[decide]], your own snap [[judgements]] may [[shock]] you.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Josh Correll''':&amp;nbsp; So, what we want to look at is, in that situation, where there's not good, clear [[information]], where people have to respond [[quickly]], do they use [[race]] to inform their [[decisions]]?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Josh Correll''':&amp;nbsp; It's worth noting that, in this [[game]], people are pretty good.&amp;nbsp; They don't make a ton of [[mistakes]]—ten, fifteen percent of the time they make a mistake.&amp;nbsp; But when we ''look'' at those mistakes, we see [[racial]] bias in the errors.&amp;nbsp; So they're [[faster]] to shoot the armed target if he's [[black people|black]] rather than than [[white people|white]].&amp;nbsp; When the target's got a [[cell phone]], they're much more likely to make that [[decision]], to shoot an [[innocent]] target, when he's black rather than white.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Morgan Freeman''':&amp;nbsp; Does this mean that [[white people|white]] Americans are inherently [[bigoted]]?&amp;nbsp; An utterly shocking trend with Josh's ''[[black people|black]]'' participants suggests that it's much more [[complicated]] than that.
:'''Josh Correll''':&amp;nbsp; We see that black participants show the same anti-black bias that white participants do.&amp;nbsp; Actually, when we test to see if there's a difference in the two groups, white participants ''versus'' black participants, they're not [[statistically]] different from each other.&amp;nbsp; So, we think this [[represents]] an [[awareness]] of a [[cultural]] [[stereotype]], not that our participants ''[[believe]]'', necessarily, that black [[men]] are more [[dangerous]] than white men.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:&lt;p&gt;'''Morgan Freeman''':&amp;nbsp; Why would we make [[life]]-and-[[death]] [[decisions]] based on [[stereotypes]] we don't even [[believe]]?&amp;nbsp; I always [[thought]] we could over''come'' these [[bigoted]] [[ideas]], but one neuroscientist says it's not that simple; [[racist]] stereotypes hijack our [[subconscious]] [[minds]].&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Neuroscientist Jon Freeman believes we all carry around stereotypes in our subconscious.&amp;nbsp; …&amp;nbsp; These [[prejudiced]] thoughts are quickly snuffed out by the [[conscious]] mind, but that doesn't mean that they're [[harmless]].&lt;/p&gt;
:'''Jon Freeman''':&amp;nbsp; Those stereotypes can actually wind up impacting [[behaviour]].&amp;nbsp; So, for example, if individuals [[unconsciously]] see [[African-American]] [[faces]] as being slightly more [[angry]] than they are, that's [[probably]] going to impact how much they approach or avoid that individual at a [[spontaneous]] level.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Morgan Freeman''':&amp;nbsp; It may not be as [[difficult|hard]] as you think for a [[bigot]] to have a [[change of heart]].&amp;nbsp; If any of us has a positive [[experience]] with someone from a different [[racial]] group, [[biology]] has the [[power]] to make us [[feel]] [[empathy]] for a ''[[stranger]]'' from that group.&amp;nbsp; In facts, Peggy [[believes]] that empathy is a primal [[instinct]] for all [[mammals]].
:'''Peggy Mason''':&amp;nbsp; What [[rats]] tell us is that we have a mammalian [[inheritance]] which makes us want to help another in [[distress]].&amp;nbsp; But the amazing thing we [[learn]] from the rats is that what the rats need to do is to have an experience with a different type of rat, and then that rat can be part of their in-group, too.&amp;nbsp; And that's really—that's really an amazing and [[hopeful]] message, I [[think]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Morgan Freeman''':&amp;nbsp; But [[bigotry]] isn't ''just'' about the [[circumstances]] of your [[birth]].&amp;nbsp; Even fans of rival [[sports]] teams can learn to [[hate]] one another with all the venom of a bigot.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Morgan Freeman''':&amp;nbsp; Do you [[perceive|see]] the [[world]] as it ''[[really]]'' is, or how your [[political party]] ''[[wants]]'' you to see it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Morgan Freeman''':&amp;nbsp; [[Media]] [[pundits]] often accuse [[violent]] [[video games]] of [[destroying]] the [[morality]] of our [[youth]].&amp;nbsp; Is that [[really]] [[true]]?&amp;nbsp; Matthew&lt;!--Matthew Grizzard--&gt; has a series of test subjects play a game where they can [[hurt]] simulated [[human beings]].&amp;nbsp; So, Matthew gives the [[command|order]] to commit blatant [[crimes against humanity]].&amp;nbsp; …&amp;nbsp; It is [[guilt]]-inducing, to say the least.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Matthew Grizzard''':&amp;nbsp; So, our findings showed that individuals [[recalling]] a [[real]]-world [[guilty]] experience actually felt more guilt, but that guilt solicited by [[video game]] was positively associated with ''increased'' [[moral]] [[sensitivity]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Morgan Freeman''':&amp;nbsp; For now, our best [[tool]] to fight [[bigotry]] lies within [[ourselves]]: the [[courage]] to walk away.&amp;nbsp; We all have bigotry inside us.&amp;nbsp; Most of us work hard to ''[[suppress]]'' our innate [[prejudices]], but some don't, and their bigotry is [[infectious]].&amp;nbsp; '''The [[solution]] to bigotry does ''not'' start with [[government]] and [[laws]]; it starts with [[understanding]] and neutralising its source, and with you and me doing ''our'' best to [[change]].'''

===&quot;[[w:Through the Wormhole#ep50|Can Time Go Backwards?]]&quot; [6.02]===
:'''[[Morgan Freeman]]''':&amp;nbsp; We're all marching relentlessly forward through [[time]].&amp;nbsp; We [[accept]] that there's no way to get off this ride, or to [[change]] our [[destiny]].&amp;nbsp; But what if that's not [[really]] [[true]]?&amp;nbsp; What if we can send [[messages]] back in time and change events that already happened?&amp;nbsp; Can the [[future]] reach back and re-write the [[present]]?&amp;nbsp; Can time go backwards?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Todd Brun''':&amp;nbsp; The [[direction]] of [[time]] ''itself'' is something of a [[mystery]].&amp;nbsp; In the [[equations]] of [[physics]], it [[seems]] like you could run them either forwards or backwards.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Morgan Freeman''':&amp;nbsp; But there is one [[paradox]] that time-travel may create.&amp;nbsp; When [[time-travelling]] Todd turns over those [[time machine]] plans to his [[ancestor]], that ancestor could then pass down those plans back to time-travelling Todd, who uses the plans to build the time machine.&amp;nbsp; Neither of them actually [[created]] the plans.
:'''Todd Brun''':&amp;nbsp; The [[question]] is, where did the [[blueprints|plans]] come from?&amp;nbsp; The plans seemingly [[appeared]] out of [[nowhere]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Morgan Freeman''':&amp;nbsp; But to find the backwards-in-[[time]]-travelling Higgs singlet, we'll have to look at what happens ''before'' the collision that [[created]] it.&amp;nbsp; …&amp;nbsp; Currently, the [[Large Hadron Collider|L.&amp;nbsp;H.&amp;nbsp;C.]] isn't set up to look at collisions before they happen.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Morgan Freeman''':&amp;nbsp; It may [[seem]] that [[time]] relentlessly carries us from the [[past]] toward the [[future]], but that's not the way the [[universe]] [[really]] works.&amp;nbsp; What takes place in our past does not simply recede into [[history]], it becomes imprinted into the fabric of the [[cosmos]].&amp;nbsp; One day, we may [[learn]] to weave the threads of the past and the future together, and truly play with the boundless [[possibilities]] of time.

===&quot;[[w:Through the Wormhole#ep51|Are We Here For A Reason?]]&quot; [6.03]===
:'''[[Morgan Freeman]]''':&amp;nbsp; What is the [[meaning of life]]?&amp;nbsp; Don't you [[believe]] there's a ''[[purpose|reason]]'' for us being here?&amp;nbsp; We are, after all, such sophisticated creatures, the [[result]] of billions of [[years]] of [[evolution]].&amp;nbsp; Surely, [[life]] is about more than just our ''[[biological]]'' [[needs]], more than the daily rat race.&amp;nbsp; Is all the [[knowledge]] we've gained over the [[generations]] aiming toward some final [[goal]]?&amp;nbsp; Are we architects of our own [[fate]], or is life just a series of [[random]] [[accidents]]?&amp;nbsp; Is our [[existence]] just a fluke of [[nature]], or are we here for a reason?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Leroy Cronin|Lee Cronin]]''':&amp;nbsp; This is why we're really [[excited]], because we can ''show'' that [[evolution]] can occur ''in'' the [[natural]] world ''without'' [[genetic]] material.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lee Cronin''':&amp;nbsp; Where there is [[energy]], and there is [[matter]], [[chemistry]] transforms into [[biology]] over [[time]].&amp;nbsp; And this happens as a [[natural law]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Morgan Freeman''':&amp;nbsp; [[w:Richard Lenski|Richard]] doesn't have billions of [[years]] to watch [[evolution]] in action, but he does have the span of one [[lifetime]], which he has dedicated to performing the longest evolutionary [[experiment]] in the [[history of science]].&amp;nbsp; Twenty-seven years ago, Richard plucked twelve [[genetically]]-identical [[E. coli]] bacteria from a container and allowed them to start their own populations in twelve separate [[worlds]].&amp;nbsp; Ever since, [[day]] after day, he's [[watched]] each of the twelve populations [[reproduce|multiply]] and [[compete]] amongst themselves for a limited amount of [[food]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Razib Khan''':&amp;nbsp; [[Humans]] exhibit a lot of [[changes]] in our [[genome]] over the last ten-thousand [[years]].&amp;nbsp; My own, [[personal]] [[opinion]] is, yes, you ''can'' [[define]] humans as a domestic [[animal]].&amp;nbsp; We live in large groups.&amp;nbsp; If you took humans individually, and put them on an [[island]], they really couldn't [[survive]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[Susan Blackmore|Sue Blackmore]]''':&amp;nbsp; [[Memes]] are the [[cultural]] equivalent of [[genes]], if you like.&amp;nbsp; They're [[information]] that is [[copied]] from [[person]] to person, person to [[book]]—&amp;nbsp; They encompass all of the [[skills]], [[habits]], [[stories]] that we pass from person to person, and they [[compete]] to use ''our [[brains]]'' to get themselves copied, and, in that way, they [[evolve]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sara Walker''':&amp;nbsp; I think about [[biological]] [[systems]] as [[physical]] [[systems]], but they're a [[unique]] ''kind'' of physical system, and they're uniquely [[defined]], really, by the way they handle [[information]].
:'''Morgan Freeman''':&amp;nbsp; Sara defines life as a self-replicating [[algorithm]], a computational [[machine]] that processes information and then makes [[copies]] of itself.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sara Walker''':&amp;nbsp; What's amazing about having a small [[child]] in your [[home]] is how they [[learn]] things.&amp;nbsp; …&amp;nbsp; So he's [[really]] just like an [[information]] [[junkie]], [[running]] around being like, &quot;What is this?&amp;nbsp; What is this?&amp;nbsp; What is this?&quot;&amp;nbsp; And, so, it's pretty [[fun]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sara Walker''':&amp;nbsp; Perhaps that actually ''is'' the [[purpose]] of [[living]] [[systems]]—is to figure out how the [[universe]] actually works.&amp;nbsp; So living systems, in this kind of framework, are somewhat fundamental to the universe because they're the way the universe figures [[itself]] out.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Morgan Freeman''':&amp;nbsp; [[Life]] may ''not'' have one unifying [[purpose]], but that shouldn't stop us all from searching for it.

===&quot;[[w:Through the Wormhole#ep52|Do We Live In The Matrix?]]&quot; [6.04]===
:'''[[Morgan Freeman]]''':&amp;nbsp; Our [[universe]] [[certainly]] [[seems]] [[real]].&amp;nbsp; But what if it's not?&amp;nbsp; We may be nothing more than [[video game]] [[characters]] [[designed]] for someone else's [[amusement]].&amp;nbsp; But how could a [[computer]] [[juggle]] every aspect of the [[cosmos]]?&amp;nbsp; Maybe what [[looks]] [[random]] has already been [[programmed]] to happen.&amp;nbsp; Can we [[discover]] some [[hidden]] [[glitch]] in the [[laws]] of the universe and uncover its hidden code?&amp;nbsp; Do we [[live]] in the [[The Matrix (franchise)|Matrix]]?

==Cast==
*[[Morgan Freeman]] — host

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
*{{Official website|http://www.sciencechannel.com/tv-shows/through-the-wormhole/}}
*{{IMDb title|1513168}}

[[Category:Discovery Channel shows]]
[[Category:Science (TV network) shows]]
[[Category:American documentary TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>175511</id>
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      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
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      <comment>/* External links */ r/m Template:Tv.com show</comment>
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      <text bytes="5153" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[Beavis and Butt-head]]''''' (1993–1997, 2011) was an [[United States of America|American]] animated [[television]] series that originally aired on the cable television channel [[w:MTV|MTV]].&amp;nbsp; It followed the misadventures of two teenagers, [[w:Beavis|Beavis]] and [[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]].&amp;nbsp; '''[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#Season 1 (1993)|Season one]]''' originally aired from 8 March to 25 March 1993.

{{center|
[[Beavis and Butt-head (pilots)|Pilots]] • Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music videos]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience|Album]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]
}}

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep3|Give Blood]]&quot; [1.01]==
:'''[[w:Beavis|Beavis]]''':&amp;nbsp; [''sings'']&amp;nbsp; Don't wanna fall in [[mud]]!
:'''[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]''':&amp;nbsp; [''sings'']&amp;nbsp; All I wanna do is sell my [[blood]]!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; What do you think they pay for, like, a gallon of blood?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Just be [[cool (aesthetic)|cool]], dude!&amp;nbsp; Don't take their first offer!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; How they do, like, get it out, dude?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; They give you a big [[knife]], then you cut your [[hand]] and, like, [[bleed]] into a bucket.&amp;nbsp; Huh, Huh.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Hea hea, that's cool!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; They give you a big old bottle of 'Mad Dog 20/20' to drink first.&amp;nbsp; Huh, Huh.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; High Test!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; And then, when you're done, don't forget to stand up really fast.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Heh-heh-heh.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; If you're lucky, you'll [[pass out]]!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Cool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Whoa, we're gonna be [[rich]].

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep4|Door-To-Door&lt;!--Title card includes hyphens.  See: http://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/beavisandbutthead/images/3/3d/Door_to_door.PNG/revision/latest?cb=20110915130016 --&gt;]]&quot; [1.02]==
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''':&amp;nbsp; This is the [['90s]], people.&amp;nbsp; A '9' upside down is a '6,' so let's turn the '90s upside down and recapture the spirit of the [['60s]], okay?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Watch those flashbacks, dude.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep6|Balloon]]&quot; [1.03]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; What does the [[president of the United States]] [[think]] about when he goes to the [[bathroom]]?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Think she's a diver?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Ask your mom.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Chode smoker.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''after Beavis and Butt-head inhaled [[helium]] from [[balloons]] to get a buzz'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''high-pitched'']&amp;nbsp; I don't feel nothing.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''high-pitched'']&amp;nbsp; Huh, huh, huh.&amp;nbsp; What's wrong with your [[voice]], dude?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''high-pitched'']&amp;nbsp; What's wrong with yours?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''high-pitched'']&amp;nbsp; Oh, no.
:'''Both''':&amp;nbsp; [''high-pitched''] We're [[neutered]]!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; This sucks! Help!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Can I have your skateboard?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Shoot me down, asswipe! This sucks!

==Cast==
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Beavis|Beavis]] (4 episodes)
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]] (4 episodes)
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—David Van Driessen&lt;!--Full name is revealed to be David Van Driessen in his first appearance, &quot;Peace, Love and Understanding&quot; (pilot 2).--&gt; (2 episodes)&lt;!--E2, E3--&gt;
*[[w:Tracy Grandstaff|Tracy Grandstaff]]—[[w:Daria Morgendorffer|Daria Morgendorffer]]&lt;!--Full name is revealed to be Daria Morgendorffer in &quot;Scientific Stuff&quot; (S2E1).--&gt; (1 episode)&lt;!--E3--&gt;

==See also==
*''[[Daria]]''

==External links==
*{{Official website|http://www.mtv.com/shows/beavis_and_butthead/}}
*{{IMDb title|0105950|Beavis and Butt-Head}}

&lt;center&gt;[[Beavis and Butt-head (pilots)|Pilots]] • Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music videos]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience|Album]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]&lt;/center&gt;

[[Category:Beavis and Butt-head seasons]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>175512</id>
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      <id>3147595</id>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-26T18:09:31Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
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      <comment>/* External links */ r/m Template:Tv.com show</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
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      <text bytes="26074" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[Beavis and Butt-head]]''''' (1993–1997, 2011) was an American animated television series that originally aired on the cable television channel [[w:MTV|MTV]].&amp;nbsp; It followed the misadventures of two teenagers, [[w:Beavis|Beavis]] and [[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]].&amp;nbsp; '''[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#Season 8 (2011)|Season eight]]''' originally aired from October 27 to December 29, 2011.

{{center|
[[Beavis and Butt-head (pilots)|Pilots]] • Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music videos]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience|Album]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]
}}

==&quot;[[w:Werewolves of Highland|Werewolves of Highland]]&quot; [8.01]==
:[''As girls in a movie theater are struck by a ''[[Twilight (2008 film)|Twilight]]'' love scene'']
:'''[[w:Butt-Head|Butt-Head]]''':&amp;nbsp; Well this isn't very good.
:'''[[w:Beavis|Beavis]]''' So uh, is Bella a zombie? She's just standing there with her mouth open and she acts like she's a dead bitch. What's the deal?
:'''Girl''':&amp;nbsp; Shhh! Quiet!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Ehh, sorry, sorry.
:'''Movie Vampire''':&amp;nbsp; I will fight for you until your heart stops beating.&amp;nbsp; And then I will still love you.&amp;nbsp; And then I will keep loving you, until the end of time…
:[''more reactions from the girls in the theater'']
:'''Butt-Head''':&amp;nbsp; How come everyone whispers in these movies?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; They're probably embarrassed.&amp;nbsp;  What do you think?
:'''Girls''':&amp;nbsp; Shhh!&amp;nbsp;  Shut up!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Oh sorry.&amp;nbsp;  Sorry.
:'''Butt-Head''': Hey Beavis, check this out. I will fight for you until your heart stops beating. Can I have some of your popcorn?
:'''Woman''': ''[punches him]'' Oh my god, I said shut up!
:''[the manager kicks them out of the movie theater]''
:'''Butt-Head''': Hey, we want our money back, butthole. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Henry''':&amp;nbsp; [''as Beavis and Butt-head approach, thinking he is a werewolf'']&amp;nbsp; Women?&amp;nbsp; Let me tell you something about women.&amp;nbsp; They're all right.&amp;nbsp; They're ''fiiiine'' when they don't know what's happening.&amp;nbsp;  I don't think you no listening to me!&amp;nbsp; No listen to me!&amp;nbsp; You no listen to me!!
:'''Butt-Head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh, thank you oh great master for your wisdom.&amp;nbsp;  But, uh, we were like wondering if you could like, bite us?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah me too.
:'''Henry''':&amp;nbsp; You got a dollar?
:'''Butt-Head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh, we have gum.&amp;nbsp; [''offers gum'']
:'''Henry''':&amp;nbsp; Ah, like me gum!&amp;nbsp; [''ingests the gum and proceeds to ferociously bite Beavis and Butt-head repeatedly'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''amongst saying &quot;ow&quot;'']&amp;nbsp; Cool!
:'''Butt-Head''':&amp;nbsp; [''also saying &quot;ow&quot;'']&amp;nbsp; You don't have to go crazy!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Okay that's enough!
:'''Henry''':&amp;nbsp; [''drops both boys'']&amp;nbsp; Ahhh, like me gum!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''getting up and limping away'']&amp;nbsp; Dammit, that hurt.
:'''Butt-Head''':&amp;nbsp; Don't worry, Beavis.&amp;nbsp; It'll be worth it.

==&quot;[[w:Crying (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Crying]]&quot; [8.02]==
:[''after Beavis has sniffed an onion'']
:'''Butt-Head''':&amp;nbsp; Whoa!&amp;nbsp; You're crying!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; What, no I'm not!
:'''Butt-Head''':&amp;nbsp; You're crying like a girl!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; No way!&amp;nbsp;  I am not!&amp;nbsp; Dammit!
:'''Butt-Head''':&amp;nbsp; You're moved.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; I am not moved!&amp;nbsp; Shut up!&amp;nbsp; I don't know what it is.
:'''Butt-Head''':&amp;nbsp; This is amazing!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-Head''': So, like, yesterday, you we're crying.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-Head. I was not.
:''[the scene cuts to school]''
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''': That's why so many readers find Atticus' speech so moving.
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh... I Mr. Van Driessen. I bet Beavis was really moved by it.
:'''Beavis''': Cut it off, Butt-Head.
:'''Butt-Head''': Cuz yesterday, I saw him crying.
:'''Beavis''': No, I wasn't!
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''': It's okay to be touched, Beavis.
:'''Butt-Head''': Yeah, Beavis was touched.
:'''Beavis''': '''SHUT UP! I WAS NOT CRYING BUTT-HEAD!'''
:''[the scene cuts to the students eating at the cafeteria]''
:'''Stewart''': Hey guys, what's up?
:'''Butt-Head''': Hey Stewart, have you heard the news?
:'''Beavis''': ''SHUT UP, BUTT-HEAD.''
:'''Stewart''': No, what?
:'''Butt-Head''': Beavis was crying.
:'''Beavis''': '''SHUT UP! I WAS NOT! I WAS NOT CRYING!''' I wasn't. Something happened to my eyes. It was that onion.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh... attention everyone. ''[everyone looks at him]'' Beavis was crying.
:'''Beavis''': '''DAMMIT! I WAS NOT CRYING'''!

==&quot;[[w:Daughter's Hand|Daughter's Hand]]&quot; [8.03]==
:'''Tom Anderson''': ''[Notices Beavis and Butt-head just sitting on the sidewalk while working on his lawn]'' Now I know these tired old eyes ain't seeing two able bodied young men just lollygagging. 
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, can you like, shut up?
:'''Tom Anderson''': Say what?!
:'''Butt-Head''': We're waiting for this dude to like, let us have his daughter's [[w:Handjob|hand]].
:'''Tom Anderson''': Huh. And I thought your generation had given up on being proper gentlemen. So, which one of you is fixing to win the hand of this little lady?
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, right here!
:'''Beavis''': Me. Yeah, me!
:'''Tom Anderson''': Hmm. A love triangle, huh? Well, I guess you two will have to tangle since you know she can't give her hand to both of you.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but she's got two of 'em.
:'''Tom Anderson''': Jumping Jesus, son! A gal gives her hand to just one fellow. Now, let me give you boys a little tip: no one ever got anywhere just waiting around. When it comes to women, there's nothing wrong with being a little persistent.
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh...
:'''Tom Anderson''': Damn it, boys! If you want that girl's hand, get off your keisters and go get it!
:'''Butt-Head''': He's right, Beavis. We've waited long enough.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Her hand must be rested enough by now. ''[As they walk back to the house]'' Boing!
:'''Tom Anderson''': Ah, young love.

==&quot;[[w:Tech Support (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Tech Support]]&quot; [8.04]==
:'''Man on Phone''': Yeah, I tried that, and, it still didn't work. And, I tried it again, but, you know, I keep getting the same error, and-
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, do people  ever tell you you sound boring on the phone? Can you like, shut up, and tell me how to get this computer to show porn?
:'''Man on Phone''': What?! You've got to be kidding me! Where's your supervisor?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hamid''': Yes, do you see what they are saying?
:'''Supervisor''': Yes I do, and if you want to stay ahead here, you just listen to these guys. See Hamid, are goal is to help the customer, obviously. But if we're on the phone for too long, we don't make any money. We go out of business, and then what will the customers do?
:'''Beavis''': I am Hamid! I am Chinese! Do not hang up on me!
:'''Supervisor''': You see that? Keep up the good work, fellas!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hamid''': Hey guys, this guy, he say &quot;Microsoft!&quot; Heh-heh! You get it? &quot;Micro-soft?&quot; Eh-heh-heh!
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, not bad, Hamid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you're getting better! Keep up the good work.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hamid''': He said &quot;Power Drain!&quot; Heh-heh-heh...
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, that's not funny. This really isn't working out, Hamid.
:'''Hamid''': Yes, but I am trying.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I understand your frustration.

==&quot;[[w:Drones (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Drones]]&quot; [8.05]==
:'''Butt-Head''': ''[reading the sign]'' Drain central? This must be the bathroom.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah. Heh. You know, see, that makes more sense than calling it a bathroom, because that's where you go to drain your lizard. You know what I'm saying? Drain central.
:'''Butt-Head''': Whoa! Are these video games?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, cool! Me first! I hope this game is unrated. That would be cool. ''[the sound beeps]'' Well, check it out. I think this is Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, but with airplanes.
:'''Butt-Head''': Cool. 
:'''Beavis''': Where are the prostitutes?
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, I think you need to find San Andreas first.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah. Here we go. I'm gonna shoot some prostitutes.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, whoa! Check it out. Are those prostitutes? I think they have fur coats on.
:'''Butt-Head''': Damn it, Butt-Hole, you scared away all the prostitutes. Let me handle this. ''[plays with the plane]'' Hey, Beavis, check it out. I'm fantasizing about your mom.
:''[the duo fights with the remote]''
:'''Beavis''': Damn it, Butt-Head, cut it out! I was here first. ''[pushes Butt-head to another seat]''
:'''Butt-Head''': Damn it, Beavis, I'm gonna kick your ass! ''[the sound beeps]'' Whoa. This one's cooler, anyway. This is gonna be cool.

==&quot;[[w:Holy Cornholio|Holy Cornholio]]&quot; [8.06]==
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''after accidentally forcing a screw through his hand, playing with an action figure and a screwdriver'']&amp;nbsp; Ahh!&amp;nbsp; Butt-head!
:'''Butt-Head''':&amp;nbsp; [''referring to the screw'']&amp;nbsp; It's in his butt.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; It hurts!
:'''Butt-Head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, I wouldn't know.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, oh yeah!&amp;nbsp;  Well, I mean, the screw, went into my hand!&amp;nbsp; Come on, get it out!
:'''Stewart''':&amp;nbsp; Oh my God!&amp;nbsp;  He's bleeding!
:'''Butt-Head''':&amp;nbsp; Cool!&amp;nbsp; Uh, don't worry, I'll fix it.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Come on, Butt-head, do something!&amp;nbsp; [''Butt-head grabs a power drill'']&amp;nbsp; AHH!&amp;nbsp; [''holds hand away'']
:'''Butt-Head''':&amp;nbsp; Settle down, Beavis!&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis looks unsure'']&amp;nbsp; Uh, okay this is gonna hurt you a lot more than it's gonna hurt me.&amp;nbsp; How hold still, dumbass!&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis, shuts his eyes and holds both hands out to Butt-head, who accidentally forces the screw even deeper, through his other hand attaching his hands together'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Cut it out, bunghole!!
:'''Stewart''':&amp;nbsp; [''panicking'']&amp;nbsp; OH MY GOD!&amp;nbsp;  
:'''Butt-Head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh, I think this screwdriver's like broken or something.
:'''Stewart''':&amp;nbsp; Oh my God!&amp;nbsp; Butt-head, you gotta get Beavis to the hospital!
:'''Butt-Head''':&amp;nbsp; Don't worry, Beavis.&amp;nbsp; It's not the first time you've screwed your hand.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Oh yeah!&amp;nbsp; Ow!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Male Cult Member''':&amp;nbsp; Excuse me young brother, may we ask you a question?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Are you threatening me?!&amp;nbsp; My bunghole will ask the questions!&amp;nbsp; &quot;Why do I not use T.P. for my pee-pee?&quot;
:'''Female Cult Member''':&amp;nbsp; The beloved always did like riddles.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; You will belove my bunghole!&amp;nbsp; For I am the great Cornholio!&amp;nbsp; I need T.P. for my bunghole!
:''[See Beavis' screw wounds on his hands]''
:'''Female Cult Member''':&amp;nbsp; Look!&amp;nbsp; He has the [[w:Stigmata|stigmata]]!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Stigmata-tata from Lake Titicaca!

==&quot;[[w:Supersize Me (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Supersize Me]]&quot; [8.07]==
:''[the boys continue eating at school until Mr. Van Driessen says food is not allowed in class]''
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''': Beavis, Butt-head, if it was up to me, you could eat in class, but the school board says you can't. M'kay?
:'''Butt-Head''': We have to. We're eating at Burger World for a month so we can get famous.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Like that Morgan Sherlock dude, you know what I'm saying?
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''': Of course, you're taking on corporate America to expose a very important issue to your generation.
:'''Butt-Head''': Yeah.
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''': This is great. I'm so proud of you boys.
:'''Boy''': So, does this mean that we can eat in class too?
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''': No. Only Beavis and Butt-head can eat in class. They're engaged in an act of social protest, shining a light on the issue of teen obesity.
:'''Butt-Head''': We're eating in front of you.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you can't have any.
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''': Now, it's so important that you get your message out. Martin, maybe you can be part of this. No, I meant film Beavis and Butt-head, and then post it online.
:'''Butt-Head''': Yeah, make a movie about us.
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''': The three of you can all use this as your semester service project. M'kay?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Cool.
:'''Butt-Head''': We didn't bring enough for everybody.

==&quot;[[w:Bathroom Break|Bathroom Break]]&quot; [8.08]==
:'''Manager''': Beavis! Butt-Head! Open this door right now!
:'''Beavis''': We're taking a dump, sir. I'm sorry. You're gonna have to wait your turn.
:'''Butt-Head''': Yeah. We need some privacy. We're going to the bathroom, buttmunch.
:'''Manager''': ''[opens door and realizes that the boys made a mess and drags them out]'' What are you two doing?
:'''Butt-Head''': We had to use the bathroom sir.
:'''Manager''': They said you've been in there for a half hour!
:'''Beavis''': Well, I think the food here gave us diarrhea, sir.
:'''Man''': It always does.
:'''Manager''': Look, I don't care how bad you have to go to the bathroom, you get back to work right now, or you're fired!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[the manager runs outside to urinate]''
:'''Police Officer''': Excuse me, sir. How we doing today?
:'''Manager''': Please go back inside. I'll be there in just a minute.
:'''Police Officer''': Okay, sir, why don't you go ahead and put it away, zip it up, and put your hands against the wall.
:'''Manager''': No, I... I'm the manager here, Okay? We've had a problem...
:'''Police Officer''': Sir, hands against the wall, feet apart, now! You cannot do that here. That's public urination.
:'''Manager''': Look, if you would just go... God!
:'''Police Officer''': And that's indecent exposure. We got a 311 at Burger World. We're gonna need backup.

==&quot;[[w:The Rat (Beavis and Butt-Head)|The Rat]]&quot; [8.09]==
:''[the boys are at Burger World with the rat]''
:'''Beavis''': There you go. That's a good boy, thank yourself at home.
:''[a lady comes in and order]''
:'''Lady''': Oh yeah, I would like a double cheeseburger and large fries please.
:'''Butt-Head''': Okay, how are you today?
:'''Beavis''': Alright boy, come on,step aside. Good boy, all yours.
:'''Lady''': Is it going to be long?
:'''Butt-Head''': You said long?
:''[Beavis gives the lady the order]''
:'''Beavis''': Ah, here you go. It looks like we have some company.
:''[a rat tries to eat the lady's order.
:'''Lady''': ''[screams]'' A RAT!
:'''Butt-Head''': Oh yeah. He really likes fries.
:'''Beavis''': And he seems to like the buns too.
:'''Lady''': I gotta report this is a health violation.
:'''Butt-Head''': Yeah, the food here sucks.
:''[the lady runs out and leaves]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manager''': ''[comes in]'' What the hell is going on? I just got a call saying that there was a rat in here.
:'''Butt-Head''': Yeah, check it out. It pooped everywhere.
:'''Manager''': Oh God, I have to call the exterminator.
:'''Beavis''': We had to throw all of those traps you had you know, he almost died.
:'''Manager''': Ok, where's the rat now?
:'''Beavis''': Well, I had him in the counter a minute ago.
:'''Manager''': It's not funny guys, okay? This is very serious and now we gonna have to throw away all of the food. ''[leaves]''
:''[the boys tries to look for the rat]''
:'''Beavis''': Here boy, come on.
:'''Butt-Head''': Here rat.
:'''Beavis''': Here boy.
:'''Butt-Head''': Rat. Whoa it's not like a dude after all. 
:''[he didn't realize that the rat was pregnant when it gave birth to a group of babies]''
:'''Butt-Head''': This is cool.

==&quot;[[w:Spill (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Spill]]&quot; [8.10]==
==&quot;[[w:Doomsday (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Doomsday]]&quot; [8.11]==
:'''Butt-Head''': Gonna have any butter than this, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yep, the end of the world kicks ass. Hey, Butt-head, check it out! We're rich!
:'''Butt-Head''': We don't need money, dumbass. Everything is free for now on.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-Head''': We could take whatever we want.
:'''Beavis''': This is gonna be cool. You know what I'm gonna do Butt-head, I'm gonna use every toilet in town.
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, okay.
:'''Beavis''': I may not even flush. Cuz I don't have too. I don't have to do anything.
:'''Butt-Head''': I'm like full.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, me too. So what do we do now? Like go home,
:'''Butt-Head''': No butt-monkey, the world is our's remember? We can live anywhere we want to.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-Head''': Let's go live at Stewart's house.
:'''Beavis''': You know I always wanted to live there.
:'''Butt-Head''': Too bad that all the chicks are dead.

==&quot;[[w:Dumb Design|Dumb Design]]&quot; [8.12]==
:'''Beavis''': You know, it really is uplifting.
:'''Butt-Head''': Through this experience, they learn about cooperation, friendship, and life.
:'''Beavis''': And they also learn what human butt tastes like! Hehehe, mmm, yeah! I mean, at least two of them do.
:'''Butt-Head''': Yeah, uh-huh-huh-huh. That's uplifting!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-Head''': Uhh. We shouldn't have to learn this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah!
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''': Uh, why not?
:'''Butt-Head''': 'Cause my uncle's not a monkey!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah! That's right!
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''': This is geometry, not evolution. Mmmkay.
:'''Butt-Head''': Tell that to the Lord.
:'''Beavis''': But it shall go unanswered as you roam the fiery pit of damnation!
:'''Butt-Head''': You're going to hell!

==&quot;[[w:Copy Machine|Copy Machine]]&quot; [8.13]==
:'''Coach Buzzcut''': Due to a new school board edict, we will not be runningball-handling drills today. We will be building empathy. Do you know what empathy is, '''BUTT-HEAD'''?
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, is that, like, something to do with ball-handling?
:'''Coach Buzzcut''': '''SHUT UP!''' Empathy. Empathy is when you feel what someone else is feeling. '''DO YOU UNDERSTAND?'''
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, feel someone else?
:'''Coach Buzzcut''': '''SHUT UP!''' Now, you will take these self-esteem worksheets, and you will make copies.
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, you mean, like, with the copy machine?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Cool.
:'''Coach Buzzcut''': Yes. But let me be clear. You will only copy the worksheet. You will not copy your butts again. '''DO YOU UNDERSTAND, BEAVIS?'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt.
:'''Butt-Head''': Hey, Beavis. You know what would be cool? You should, like, copy your butt.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah.
:''[he gets up on the copy machine to copy his butt, but the glass breaks and screams]''
:'''Butt-Head''': That was cool.
:'''Beavis''': My butt!

==&quot;[[w:Holding (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Holding]]&quot; [8.14]==
==&quot;[[w:Used Car|Used Car]]&quot; [8.15]==
:'''Hamid''': ''[After returning from test drive when Beavis and Butthead crashed a used car]'' Eh, I am very sorry. They crashed the car.
:'''Dealer''': I'll deal with you later. Boys, looks like you've just bought yourselves a car.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no way!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, this one's all broken, and stuff. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I can't see myself driving it anymore. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. We want a fresh one. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, but I'm gonna have to ask you for $1000 to take the new one. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, Hamid already agreed to give us $500 for the old one, look at it you know.
:'''Dealer''': Whoa, hold on, here! That's not how it works. You're gonna buy this car, or I'm gonna hold onto your licenses and contact your insurance company!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, we don't have licenses.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, OR insurance company.
:'''Dealer''': ''[to Hamid]'' You didn't get their licenses and proof of insurance?! You're fired! And you two, get off my lot, and don't let me ever see you here again!
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-Head, check it out. Pizza face! ''[throws the pizza to the dealer's face &quot;what?&quot; and gets angry]''
:'''Butt-Head''': You missed.
:'''Dealer''': Why you!
:'''Beavis''': Hey cut it out!
:'''Butt-Head''': Okay dude settle down we'll take $500,000 for it.
:'''Beavis''': Drive the hard bargain and were in ow.
:'''Butt-Head''': Don't make me kick your ass ...

==&quot;[[w:Bounty Hunters (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Bounty Hunters]]&quot; [8.16]==
==&quot;[[w:Time Machine (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Time Machine]]&quot; [8.17]==
:'''Beavis''': I hope we get to see some dinosaurs.
:'''Butt-Head''': You dumbass, dinosaurs haven't been invented yet.

==&quot;[[w:Massage (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Massage]]&quot; [8.18]==
:''[Beavis and Butt-Head built their own massage stand in order to touch women]''
:'''Butt-Head''': Hey, baby. Would you like to be touched?
:''[Beavis and Butt-Head become massagers in order to massage chicks]''
:'''Butt-Head''': ''[looks at the sign saying back in 30 minutes]'' Whoa! Hey, Beavis, look. They're gone. This is our chance. Um, okay. Act Chinese, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': ''[speaking Chinese]'' Um, now you go! You go to hell! What hell you doing? That's all the Chinese I know. Oh, wait a minute! Me Chinese, me play joke, me put pee-pee in your Coke.
:'''Butt-Head''': That was pretty good, Beavis. ''[a lady comes]'' Whoa.
:'''Women''': ''[sighs]'' I'm having some upper back pain and on my neck, so if you could just work on that, that would be great.
:''[Butt-Head gets ready to massage a girl, but the workers show up angrily and pushes him away]''
:'''Massage Worker''': ''[angrily]'' &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT THE HELL YOU DOING? YOU TRY AND TAKE MY BUSINESS?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, yeah. We wanna be massagers.
:'''Massage Worker''': Okay, you two now massagers.
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, really?
:''[a fat customer shows up]''
:'''Fat Man''': Ugh. I'm ready. I need to get my circulation going. I got a real bad spell of the gout. Probably that shellfish I ate.
:''[a lady leaves]''
:'''Massage Worker''': ''[points at the fat man's back and tells the boys to massage him]'' &lt;big&gt;'''GET TO WORK!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, let's get out of here. ''[he and Beavis leave until a security guard and an angry man show up]''
:'''Security Guard''': Hold on. ''[stops the boys from escaping]'' Okay. Did you two have anything to do with taking this guy's tools?
:'''Massage Worker''': They here with us whole time. New employees! Massage this guy now.
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, no thanks.
:'''Security Guard''': The police are on their way. Do you work here, yes or no?
:'''Massage Worker''': Show him! Show him you not thief. You a massager! Massage!
:''[the cops show up]''
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, yeah. We're massagers.
:'''Fat Man''': Uh, I'm gonna need you to massage the fluid back up into my torso. Uh, then rub the extremities till they aren't so blue anymore. Now don't mind that smell. That's just the muscle eating the bone. ''[the massage workers make the boys massage him]'' Doctor said he's only heard of it this bad in cattle before. Looks like a table leg got caught in a wood chipper, don't it?
:''[the security guard and the cops might arrest them]''
:'''Beavis''': Well, he does have boobs.

==&quot;[[w:School Test|School Test]]&quot; [8.19]==
:'''Principal McVicker''':&amp;nbsp; You two are the worst students in this school has ever had.&amp;nbsp; And now because of that [[w:No Child Left Behind Act|No Child Left Behind]] law, we may lose our funding!&amp;nbsp; Teachers will get laid off, I could lose my job!
:'''Butt-Head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh…did you say something about a child's behind?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, he definitely said something about a child's left behind!&amp;nbsp; I heard him!
:'''Butt-Head''':&amp;nbsp; No wonder you're gonna lose your job.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Butt-Head''': ''[as teachers are giving their lectures]'' Whoa! I just got something! 
:''[The teachers, hopeful that Butt-head has actually learned something of what they taught, give him their full attention.]''
:'''Butt-Head''': Number two pencil! Number two.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah!
:'''Butt-Head''': Number two.
:''[As Beavis and Butt-head laugh to their stupid joke, the teachers shake their heads in hopelessness and walk out of the room.]''
:'''Beavis''': It's a poop pencil!

==&quot;[[w:Snitchers|Snitchers]]&quot; [8.20]==
==&quot;[[w:Whorehouse (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Whorehouse]]&quot; [8.21]==
==&quot;[[w:Going Down (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Going Down]]&quot; [8.22]==
:''[last lines of the series]''
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, how's it going? Are you going down?
:'''Lady''': ''[comes in]'' Oh, yeah. P2 please.
:'''Elevator Announcer''': P2, going down.
:''[after the elevator closes, Beavis presses buttons inside as it breaks down]''

==Cast==
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Beavis|Beavis]] 
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—Principal McVicker
*Adam Welsh—Stewart Stevenson

==See also==
*''[[Daria]]''
==External links==
*{{Official website|http://www.mtv.com/shows/beavis_and_butthead/}}
*{{IMDb title|0105950|Beavis and Butt-Head}}

&lt;center&gt;[[Beavis and Butt-head (pilots)|Pilots]] • Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music videos]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience|Album]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]&lt;/center&gt;

[[Category:Beavis and Butt-head seasons]]</text>
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'''''[[Beavis and Butt-head]]''''' (1993–1997, 2011) was an [[United States of America|American]] animated [[television]] series that originally aired on the cable television channel [[w:MTV|MTV]].&amp;nbsp; It followed the misadventures of two teenagers, [[w:Beavis|Beavis]] and [[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]].&amp;nbsp; During the initial run of the series, there were two [[Christmas]] specials, a [[Hallowe'en]] special, and a [[Thanksgiving]] special.

{{center|
[[Beavis and Butt-head (pilots)|Pilots]] • Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music videos]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience|Album]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]
}}

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#epCS1|A Very Special Christmas With Beavis and Butt-head]]&quot; [CS.1]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#epHW1|Bungholio: Lord of the Harvest]]&quot; [HW.1]==
:'''[[w:Beavis|Beavis]]''':&amp;nbsp; Hey Butt-head…These sheets smell funny
:'''[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]''':&amp;nbsp; uh-huh-huh-huh, These are my special monkey-sheets

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Tom Anderson''':&amp;nbsp; Now what in the hell are you two boys supposed to be?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; I'm a nad.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; I'm a dumbass.&amp;nbsp; Check it out.&amp;nbsp; Uh huh huh huh.&amp;nbsp; Uh huh huh.&amp;nbsp; Uhuhuhuhuhuh.
:[''telephone rings'']
:'''Tom Anderson''':&amp;nbsp; Now hold on just a second.&amp;nbsp; [''picks up phone'']&amp;nbsp; Well John Thomas!&amp;nbsp; How long's it been?&amp;nbsp; You still got Dick's number?&amp;nbsp; 
:[''Beavis and Butt-head snicker''] 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Todd Ianuzzi''':&amp;nbsp; Hey man, move your ass off the street!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''As Cornholio'']&amp;nbsp; Are you threatening me?!
:'''Todd Ianuzzi''':&amp;nbsp; [''Grabbing Beavis'']&amp;nbsp; What'd you say?!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''As Cornholio'']&amp;nbsp; Do not underestimate the power of the almighty bunghole!
:[''Todd's friends come out of the car preparing to help him beat up Beavis'']
:'''Todd Ianuzzi''':&amp;nbsp; This is messed up man.
:[''Butt-head laughs clearly enjoying seeing Todd prepare to beat up Beavis; however, Todd later changes his plans'']
:'''Todd Ianuzzi''':&amp;nbsp; Oh, you think this is funny?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah…so let's like, go kick some ass.
:'''Todd Ianuzzi''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, let's take this little turd out into the country.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Run as you may.&amp;nbsp; You can not escape.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#epCS2A|Beavis and Butt-head Do Christmas&lt;!--It appears that this is the proper title; see http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/beavisandbutthead/images/2/24/Beavis_and_Butt-head_Do_Christmas.png/revision/latest?cb=20111228022431 --&gt;]]&quot; [CS.2]==
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah well it's like, we'd all like to go home.&amp;nbsp; Hell, I'd like to go home and spank my monkey!&amp;nbsp; In fact, heh heh, that's a pretty good idea.&amp;nbsp; So you two have to stay here and work late.&amp;nbsp; Heh heh, and, um, Butt-head is in charge, because he's got…&quot;sen-ror-ity&quot; or something.&amp;nbsp; Heh heh.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, cool!&amp;nbsp; Huh huh huh, clean the grill, McVicker!&amp;nbsp;  

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''McVicker''':&amp;nbsp; Uhhhh, merry Christmas, everybody.&amp;nbsp; Sorry I'm late, but Beavis wouldn't let me off.&amp;nbsp; So I had to sneak out during my break.&amp;nbsp; Uhhhh, look.&amp;nbsp; Here's Christmas dinner.&amp;nbsp; [''he takes a cheeseburger and fries out of the &quot;Merry Meal&quot; box'']&amp;nbsp; A cheeseburger, fries, and look.&amp;nbsp; Your Christmas present.&amp;nbsp; [''he takes the present out of the box, which are stick on tattoos with a picture of a purple panda'']&amp;nbsp; Stick on tattoos.&amp;nbsp; Ohhh.&amp;nbsp; Now share it with your brothers and sisters.
:'''McVicker's Son #2''':&amp;nbsp; Wow!&amp;nbsp; Thanks, Dad.&amp;nbsp; This is great!
:[''McVicker's children are excited to see the present'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Hey Beavis, let's get out of here…
:'''Stewart''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, no cutters buddy.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Shut up, Stewart!&amp;nbsp; Come on, Beavis, let's go.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Uuuuummm, have we met before, sir?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; It's me, you bunghole!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Uuuummm, what's a bunghole?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; You're a bunghole, bunghole!
:'''Stewart''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, Cro magnon, you can't use a word to define one self.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, Cro magnon.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; I can too, bunghole.&amp;nbsp; Come on Beavis, let's go…
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, let go, pervert!&amp;nbsp; We still have to give out Gingerbread Men.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Cut the crap, Beavis; you still owe me a dollar!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Help!&amp;nbsp; Help!&amp;nbsp; Who are you!?!

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#epTG1|Beavis and Butt-head Do Thanksgiving]]&quot; [TG.1]==
:'''[[w:Kurt Loder|Kurt Loder]]''':&amp;nbsp; This just in, our guest reporters Beavis and Butt-head are on the scene.&amp;nbsp; What's happening down there guys?&amp;nbsp; [''dissolve to Beavis and Butt-head stuck behind a crowd'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh, this sucks, Loder, we can't see anything.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Wait a minute, you know, that's not true, Butt-head, we can see a lot of butts.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh, oh yeah.
:'''Kurt Loder''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, hey, don't just stand there, guys, interview somebody, will you?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh, we could interview their butts.&amp;nbsp; [''laughs'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah!&amp;nbsp; It'd be like, &quot;Hello butt, what do you think of the parade so far?&quot; and they'd be like [''imitates fart noises''] &quot;Well, BBBBBRRRRRFFFFFTTTTTT!!!!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh, shut up, Beavis.&amp;nbsp; That isn't even funny.&amp;nbsp; Uhh, besides, I wanna see, like, naked butts.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah yeah, really.&amp;nbsp; You know Loder, the butts were a lot better at that porno place, and it was a lot warmer too.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, really.&amp;nbsp; Hey Loder, here's a news report for you.&amp;nbsp; I'm freezing my nutsack off.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh, hey, we're back.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Hey Butt-head, check it out, there's a marching band out here.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Really?&amp;nbsp; They suck.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, but, you know, it could be kinda cool to be in a marching band.&amp;nbsp; You know, those guys just poop right on the street.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; What are you talking about, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; No, no, I'm serious.&amp;nbsp; I'm serious, one time, when I was a kid I saw this parade, and after the marching band went by, there were these big huge turds everywhere.&amp;nbsp; And it was like, there was grass sticking out of them and stuff.&amp;nbsp; It was cool.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Beavis, you dumbass, those turds didn't come from the band, they came from the horses.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; But, um…oh!&amp;nbsp; That would explain the grass.&amp;nbsp; But, um, that's really too bad, you know, cause I was thinking it would be cool to join the school band, and you know, you'd just be marching along, playing your instrument, you know, and be like, [''sings'']&amp;nbsp; &quot;Dun-da-da-dun-da-da-da-da-da-plop!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Beavis…
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, and then, whenever I'd be taking a poop at school, somebody would be like &quot;What are you doing in there?&quot;, and I'd be like, &quot;I'm trying out for the band!&quot;, plop.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Dammit Beavis, if this wasn't Thanksgiving, I'd be slapping the crap out of you, now shut up.&amp;nbsp; [''to camera'']&amp;nbsp; Hey Loder, this music sucks, why don't you make yourself useful and play a video?

==Cast==
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Beavis|Beavis]] 
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—Thomas T. &quot;Tom&quot; Anderson&lt;!--Full name depicted as Thomas T. Anderson on a credit card in the episode &quot;Good Credit&quot; (S2E2).--&gt;
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—Principal McVicker
*Rottilio Michieli—Todd Ianuzzi
*Adam Welsh—Stewart Stevenson
*[[w:Kurt Loder|Kurt Loder]]—himself

==External links==
*{{Official website|http://www.mtv.com/shows/beavis_and_butthead/}}
*{{IMDb title|0105950|Beavis and Butt-Head}}

&lt;center&gt;[[Beavis and Butt-head (pilots)|Pilots]] • Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music videos]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience|Album]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]&lt;/center&gt;

[[Category:Beavis and Butt-head]]&lt;!--This categorisation probably isn't optimal.--&gt;</text>
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{{mergeto|Beavis and Butt-head}}
'''''[[Beavis and Butt-head]]''''' (1993–1997, 2011) was an [[United States of America|American]] animated [[television]] series that originally aired on the cable television channel [[w:MTV|MTV]]. It followed the misadventures of two teenagers, [[w:Beavis|Beavis]] and [[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]. Interspersed with the episodes were [[w:music video|music videos]], viewed and commented on by the two title characters.

{{center|
[[Beavis and Butt-head (pilots)|Pilots]] • Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music videos]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience|Album]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]
}}

&lt;!-- Feel free to add more music videos; however, please alphabetize them and put the artist first, then the song. --&gt;
==#==
===[[w:2 Unlimited|2 Unlimited]], &quot;[[w:Get Ready for This|Get Ready For This]]&quot;===
:'''[[w:Beavis|Beavis]]''': Um, is this football?
:'''[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]''': Uhhh...no, I think this is that, uh, shampoo commercial.
:'''Beavis''': No it's not!  You know what this is?  This is ''[[w:Telemundo|Telemundo]]''!  [''gibbers in Spanish'']
:'''Butt-head''': How come you always watch Telemundo, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': 'Cause they have all these fine chicks, with big boobs, and like, really tight dresses.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  It seems like they always have some big, fat host on Telemundo, that's like, all dorky looking.  And then like, all the chicks are really good looking.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  That guy's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He always walks up to the chicks with his microphone and goes, &quot;Aprenda, [''Spanish gibberish''].&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  I bet he scores constantly!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know what I think I'm gonna do?  I'm gonna shave my chest like these dudes, and walk around with one of these vests, and like, learn to dance like that.  And then, I will ''score'' all the time!
:'''Butt-head''': Instead of doing that, why don't you just, like, talk all that Spanish stuff?  That would probably work.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Hey baby, ¿quieres [[w:Buñuelo|buñuelo]]?
:'''Butt-head''': I'm gonna try becoming one of those big, fat dudes, and go, &quot;[''Spanish gibberish'']&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah, they'd like that.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This music kind of sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': This isn't even music, really.  This is just, like, that kind of crap that guy plays down at the organ store at the mall, on one of those 10,000-dollar organs.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  &quot;How much for your organ, sir?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Uh, that'll be 10,000 dollars, son.  Please don't touch it.&quot;

===[[w:3OH!3|3OH!3]], &quot;[[w:Touchin' on My|Touchin' on My]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''Referring to man walking with stereo''] Well look at this guy. Got his whole day ahead of him, you know? 
:'''Butt-head''': Strolling down the beach with the speakers the wrong way…
:'''Beavis''': Not a care in the world, you know?
:[''The guy is hit by a car'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… oh no. Well, at least he died before they started singing.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''A naked man appears from the front'']
:'''Beavis''': There was a schlong just then, but I'm not gonna say anything about it. 
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, these guys both look like asswipes, but in two completely different ways.
:'''Beavis''': You know, they compliment each other, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Let's see, what else can they do to be an asswipe? 
:'''Beavis''': See, maybe they'll steal some jump ropes from little girls. Steal some money from a homeless guy. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, boy. It's like, if their music by itself didn't make you hate them, they're giving you plenty of other reasons. 
:'''Beavis''': I bet deaf people hate them too. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I'm glad these guys found each other. 
:'''Beavis''': I wonder how they met.
:'''Butt-head''': They were probably like, pushing over some kid's sand castle, and they were like &quot;Whoa! You have tight jeans and Converse All-Stars just like me! Do you like shoving little kids? I do too! Let's start a band.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That's how we roll through the Century 21 Branch Office. 
:'''Beavis''': Biatch! Yeah, take that! your walls are clean now!

===[[w:7 Year Bitch|7 Year Bitch]], &quot;Hip Like Junk&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Ohh yeah, yeah, I've seen this before.  This chick beats herself in the head later.  It's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...oh yeah.  This is gonna be cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  You know what this band is called?  It's called 7 Year BITCH!
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, when a band has a name like 7 Year BITCH, it's like, they don't need to be very good.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Also, it helps when they're [''suave voice''] ''sexy!''  ''Ye-eah!  Ooh!  That's a fine lady!  Yeah.  These are some fine ladie-aahhhooowwww...sexy!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Uh...okay, here it comes.  Here she goes.  [''lead singer [[w:Selene Vigil-Wilk|Selene Vigil]] hits her open hands against her head''] YEAH, YEAH!  HIT YOURSELF, YEAHH!  YEAH, YEAH, COME ON, COME ON!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  She kinda looks like she got a little special feeling from doing that.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Selene Vigil''': We're all so smart, and we're all so dense...
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...I think this song is supposed to be, like, how we're all, like, stupid and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Um, what do you mean?  You mean, like, like ''we're'' stupid, or like, like, everybody's stupid or - or...
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, I don't know!  I'm not some [[w:Rocket science|rocket]]...uh, some rocketship or something.
:'''Beavis''': Oh.

==A==
===[[w:a-ha|''a''-h''a'']], &quot;[[w:Take On Me|Take On Me]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Is this, like, [[w:elevator|elevator]] music?

===[[w:Paula Abdul|Paula Abdul]], &quot;[[w:Crazy Cool|Crazy Cool]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out! It's Paula Abdula!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This is, like, every outfit she's ever had in a video.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I'm gonna go to the kitchen.
:'''Butt-head''': Why?
:'''Beavis''': 'Cause I have to take a leak.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… you mean the bathroom, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um… oh yeah, didn't really matter. [''Beavis gets up and leaves'']
:'''Butt-head''': You should stick around, Beavis, because later on, you could see her… [[w:Epidermis (skin)|epidermis]].
:'''Beavis''': Um… OK, maybe I'll stick around for a couple of minutes.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Um… I thought you said we were gonna see her epnaspermis. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… no. But your epidermis is showing. 
:'''Beavis''': Um… what? No way! Are you talking about my nutsack?
:'''Butt-head''': You don't know what it is! And everyone can see it.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up! Your epraspermis is showing! And your nads are too, bunghole!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I've had enough of this crap. I'm gonna go to the kitchen. [''leaves again'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, get back in here! I just saw something cool! Whoa, Beavis, get back in here! Her pants are hiked up her butt!
:'''Beavis''': Where? Where?!
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass!

===[[AC/DC]]===
====&quot;[[w:Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap (song)|Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': All right!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Angus Young|Angus Young]] is cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  [[w:Malcolm Young|Malcolm]] is cool, too.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [[w:Phil Rudd|That drummer]] is old.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, fartknocker, he's cool!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Did Phil Rudd die?
:'''Beavis''': No, peckerwood!  That was that [[w:Bon Scott|Bon Scott]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  He was cool!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:[''a clip of a man with a halo is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': That guy is special.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''singing with [[w:Brian Johnson|Brian Johnson]]''] Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap!
:'''Butt-head''': Sing it, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap!
:'''Butt-head''': Dirty deeds are cool.  Hey, Beavis.  Have you ever done a dirty deed?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I spanked my monkey one time.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys always wear the same clothes.  That's cool!  Hey.  ''We'' always wear the same clothes!  I've had this shirt on for six months.
:'''Beavis''': I've had this on for ''seven'' months.

====&quot;[[w:Highway to Hell (song)|Highway to Hell]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': YES!  This kicks ass!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah!  Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Brian Johnson|Brian Johnson]] looks like he's taking a dump.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. He's constipated 'cause he's old!

====&quot;[[w:You Shook Me All Night Long|You Shook Me All Night Long]]&quot;====
:[''[[w:Brian Johnson|Brian Johnson]] is naked in a bathtub and scrubbing himself'']
:'''Butt-head''': He's naked!  Don't forget to scrub your wiener!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:[''a woman is shown putting on a tight shirt'']
:'''Beavis''': Look!  Boobs!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I like when chicks wear shirts that are so tight, you can see their boobs.  That's cool!

===[[Accept (band)|Accept]], &quot;Balls to the Wall&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Wait a minute! What's this? This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it sucks!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Who's this?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': What's this buttmunch doing on a stage?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You got a backstage pass, sir?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! [''imitates the lead singer's German accent'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Where did this guy come from?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Maybe he's just special.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Well, he ''is'' saying balls, and normally, that would be pretty [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]]…
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but under these circumstances, it sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Usually, [[w:demolition|demolition]] and [[destruction]] is pretty cool, too, but I don't know, it's like, here, it just like…falls flat.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! I think even if they had some [[fire]] in this video, it would still suck.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look! It's [[w:Krokus (Band)|Krokus]] coming to kick their ass. It's ''The [[Night of the Living Dead|Night of the Living Bands That Suck]]''.

===[[w:Bryan Adams|Bryan Adams]], [[w:Rod Stewart|Rod Stewart]], and [[Sting (musician)|Sting]], &quot;[[w:All for Love (song)|All for Love]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': AAAAHHHHH!
:'''Butt-head''': UGGHH!
:'''Beavis''': NO!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh dear Lord!
:'''Beavis''': AAAAAAHHHHHH!
:[''the two start vomiting'']
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Butt-head, my stomach hurts.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head, change it.  This is, like, making my stomach hurt.
:'''Butt-head''': I think this is, like, the [[w:Traveling Wilburys|Traveling Wilburys]].
:'''Beavis''': The Traveling Dingleberries?  I had one of those once, it traveled all over my butt.  Come on, Butt-head, change it.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay.  I think it's, like, bad for the TV when you, like, play this kind of stuff on it.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I think it, like, messes up the tape.
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

===[[Aerosmith]]===
::''See also: Aerosmith, [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience#&quot;Deuces Are Wild&quot; by Aerosmith|&quot;Deuces Are Wild&quot;]], ''[[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience]]'' (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 6.''

====&quot;[[w:Livin' on the Edge|Livin' on the Edge]]&quot;====
:[''video opens with a group of Catholic school girls skating down a street with hockey sticks; one of them smashes a car window'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  These chicks are pretty tough!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I didn't know girls were cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a naked Steven Tyler is shown with his hand on his crotch'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Check it out!  Where's his penis?
:'''Beavis''': It's in his hand, where it always is!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are pretty [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].  Even though they're 60.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That one guy's 69.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Steven Tyler is shown with dreadlocks'']
:'''Butt-head''': He looks like Vanilli.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the two laugh as Joe Perry plays his guitar on a railroad track with a train approaching'']
:'''Beavis''': Hit him!  Hit him!  Hit him!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Just keep playing!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Everything's cool.  [''Joe Perry steps off the track just before the train passes''] Aogh!  That sucked!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He should've waited longer.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the two laugh as two teenage boys drive a stolen car towards a brick wall'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah!  Yeah!  Yeah!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!  [''car crashes, airbags deploy''] Aogh!  [[w:Airbag|Airbags]] suck!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Rag Doll (Aerosmith song)|Rag Doll]]&quot;====
:[''a Catholic school girl sits on her father's lap'']
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Joey Buttafuoco|Joey Buttafuoco]]!
:'''Beavis''': You said &quot;Buttafuoco.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  What do you think &quot;Buttafuoco&quot; means?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steven Tyler''': They'll never see ya leavin' by the back door...
:'''Butt-head''': He said &quot;back door.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''about Steven Tyler''] Dude looks like a lady!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is the coolest video I've ever seen in my life.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steven Tyler''': Speakeasy on the grapevine...
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steven Tyler''': Rag doll, livin' in a movie, hot tramp, daddy's little cutie...
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis,  I thought ''you'' were [[daddy]]'s little cutie.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, bunghole!

===[[Alice in Chains]]===
====&quot;[[w:I Stay Away|I Stay Away]]&quot;====
:[''video is entirely claymation'']
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, is this Alice in Chains?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Wow.  Boy, they sure look different.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, maybe it's 'cause they had to, like, you know, clean themselves up, you know, 'cause it's a slow song?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I'll buy that.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Remember that time we went to the circus, and we saw that clown?  And then I, like, pulled down my pants-- [''a woman's nipple is shown''] Whoa, check it out!  I just saw a nipple, Butt-head, look!
:'''Butt-head''': Where?
:'''Beavis''': It was - it was, like, right at the end of a boob!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, that's just a puppet nipple.
:'''Beavis''': Um...uh...no it wasn't!  W - what do you mean?
:'''Butt-head''': That's just, like, a chick made out of clay, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um...oh.  Yeah yeah, but...she has a nipple on it!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I could go get some clay ''now'' and make a boob with a nipple on it.  So what?
:'''Beavis''': Um...wait a minute.  You have some clay?
:'''Butt-head''': No.
:'''Beavis''': Damn.  Next time they have those clay projects in school, I'm gonna make a big boob.  Yeah.  Maybe a butt, too.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Last time, you just made an ashtray.  It sucked.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Well, you made a baseball.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  Then the teacher called me a lazy turd.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  So then you made ''that''.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  But not out of clay.

====&quot;[[w:Man in the Box|Man in the Box]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': This is [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It rules. It rules. IT RULES!!!
:'''Butt-head''': Right on, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It kicks butt! It kicks ass! It kicks ass!
:'''Butt-head''': Rock on, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Rock!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': No Way, they put that dude in a fence.
:'''Beavis''': Fences are cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Especially electric fences.
:'''Beavis''': [''chanting''] When I was little and had no sense/I took a whiz on an electric fence/It hurt so bad, it shocked my balls/Then I took a crap in my overalls!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! That was cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh!
:'''Beavis''': Ahh!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, his eyes are sewn shut.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! He must have seen something so horrible, like, his eyeballs melted.
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe he saw that [[w:Winger (band)|Winger]] video.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!

====&quot;[[w:Them Bones|Them Bones]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, a [[baby]].
:'''Butt-head''': How did ''that'' happen?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is the [[w:cool (aesthetic)|coolest]] video I've ever [[seen]] in my [[life]].

===[[w:Alien Sex Fiend|Alien Sex Fiend]], &quot;Now I'm Feeling Zombified&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Cool (aesthetic)|Cool]]! Skulls!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Skulls kick ass.
:'''Butt-head''': That guy looks pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. He looks cool because he's like, dead.
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, this video looks pretty cool, but the sound sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Check this out, Butt-head. [''Beavis turns the volume all the way down'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! That's better. [''Starts humming metal music'']
:'''Beavis''': [''Singing along''] I'm a zombie/I'm a dead guy/I like to eat people's brains/and um, and like, look at my eyeballs/and I'm a dead guy in a corner/and I'm a zombie.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': That was pretty good, Beavis! You should like, be a lead singer.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! All I need is clown makeup. 
:'''Butt-head''': I bet if we like, did that over this video, it would be like, a buzzclip.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. We're cool.

===[[Tori Amos]]===
====&quot;Crucify&quot;====
:'''Tori Amos''': I wanna spit in their faces…
:'''Butt-head''': She's gonna spit on someone?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Go for it!
:'''Butt-head''': That would be pretty cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Tori Amos''': I got a bowling ball in my stomach, I got a desert in my mouth…
:'''Butt-head''': Is that [[w:Dave Mustaine|Dave Mustaine]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. [''imitating Dave Mustaine''] I'VE GOT A BOWLING BALL IN MY STOMACH, I GOT A DESERT IN MY MOUTH!
:'''Butt-head''': That was pretty good, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How many [[w:music video|videos]] are they gonna make with chicks in a bathtub?
:'''Beavis''': At least if they showed them naked it would be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. How come they never have chicks in showers?
:'''Beavis''': Like in soap commercials. Did you ever see [[Psycho (1960 film)|that soap commercial]] where that chick gets stabbed? [''Beavis imitates stabbing movements and Bernard Hermann's score''] REE! REE! REE! REE! REE!
:'''Butt-head''': No, buttmunch. That's that [[Deliverance|movie about those guys in the woods]].
:'''Beavis''': They're not in the woods. They're in the shower. [''imitates stabbing movements again''] REE! REE! REE! REE!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this like, a commercial for [[w:VH1|VH1]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. &quot;The difference between you and your parents&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': That's stupid.

====&quot;God&quot;====
:[''video opens with two rats moving across a wet floor'']
:'''Butt-head''': Rats are cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Somebody better call the Orkin Man.  [''Tori Amos is holding a candle''] Whoa, candle!  Candle!  Candle!  Candle!
:'''Butt-head''': Candles rule.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  Have you ever seen those alarm clocks, that they're like, candles, and you stick 'em up your butt?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I've never heard of that, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  It's like, they have all these times written on the side, and then you light it and sleep on your stomach, and then when it like, burns down to the time, it's like, it's like, it gets on your butt and you go, &quot;AHHHHHH-HHHHHHHH-HHHHHHHHHH!&quot; and then you wake up.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Really?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I'll show you one, my uncle has a whole bunch of 'em.  He usually gives me one for my birthday.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Tori Amos is seen playing with rats and snakes'']
:'''Butt-head''': This chick is psycho!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, you know, it's like, she's pretty hot, but it's like, I don't know, man.  I'd, like, stay away from her.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's like, she's got a nice body and everything, but if you went out with her, she'd probably, like, put a rat's head on your bed or something.
:'''Beavis''': That wouldn't be so bad, it's just...she'd probably chop off your wiener, too.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  You don't want to get involved with a chick who has like, a whole bunch of pets.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  They get all psycho!

===[[w:Anthrax (American band)|Anthrax]], &quot;Hy Pro Glo&quot;===
::''See also: Anthrax, [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience#&quot;Looking Down The Barrel Of A Gun&quot; covered by Anthrax|&quot;Looking Down The Barrel Of A Gun&quot;]], ''[[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience]]'' (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 2.''

:'''Butt-head''': The army kicks ass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Is Anthrax in the army?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think that [[w:Scott Ian|Scott dude]] is in the army.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. He has a regulation cut. Like Major Dan.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah: &quot;Today's army rocks.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, this is like that thing they play, like, really late at night when the station's, like, going off the air.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Only the music's a lot cooler. This should, like, be the [[w:The Star-Spangled Banner|National Anthem]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, the National Anthrax.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, like they could play it at baseball games and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Like, [[w:The Judds|the Judds]] could come out and go: &quot;'''''I CAN'T LOOK AT YOU! I CAN'T LOOK LIKE YOU!'''''&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': That's pretty good, Beavis. You sound just like the Judds.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a bomb is shown exploding'']
:'''Beavis''': Yes, bombs! Hey, Butt-head, wouldn't that be cool if like, one day we were like, going to school and a bunch of planes dropped a bunch of bombs?
:'''Butt-head''': You dumbass. Bombs would like, hurt and stuff. It's only cool when they drop 'em on CNN.
:'''Beavis:''': Oh yeah. Well, I was just thinking, you know, like, they probably wouldn't have to go to school that day.

===[[w:Archers of Loaf|Archers of Loaf]], &quot;Web in Front&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, he's bouncing on his wiener!
:'''Butt-head''': That's a pogo stick, dumbass!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, that looks like that dude who comes by to check the butane.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  I saw that guy in my yard once, I thought he was a trespasser, so I started shooting him with my BB gun, and it's like--
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis, those pigs are doing it!
:'''Beavis''': Really?  Oh!  Yeah.  That's cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': How come that pig can score, and we ''can't?''
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...well, the only reason that pig scored is 'cause he was, like, in a video.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  I forgot about that.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Like, if pigs had a video...
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh.
:'''Butt-head''': and like, we were in that video...
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': ...then like, we could score.
:'''Beavis''': Hmm.  You mean, like, with a pig?
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass!  With a chick in the video!
:'''Beavis''': With a chicken??
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis!  I'm talking like, about, like, a human chick.
:'''Beavis''': Um, what's that?
:'''Butt-head''': Just a regular chick!
:'''Beavis''': Ohh!  Oh, oh, oh.  Oh, I see.  Yeah.  Yeah, th - th - that's pretty cool, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': What's the deal with this short dude?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Really.
:'''Butt-head''': Is he, like, in the band, or is he just, like, some weird dude?
:'''Beavis''': Really.  It's like, all these videos now, they like, just get a couple weird dudes, and just like, shake the camera around and just, like, do a bunch of crap.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  They need to get back to the basics, like chicks in bikinis and explosions.

===[[w:Art of Noise|Art of Noise]], &quot;Close (To the Edit)&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  He's holding a wiener!
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  You know that video about that guy who lost his penis?  He should watch ''this'' video!
:'''Butt-head''': That's not his penis, Beavis!  Uh [''chuckles'']...his Beavis, penis!  Penis, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Penis, Beavis, Uranus!
:'''Beavis''': SHUT UP!  Shut up, Butt-head!  I'll kick your ass!
:'''Butt-head''': Well, at least ''my'' name doesn't rhyme with &quot;penis.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.  Your mom's a slut.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, we weren't talking about my mom.  We're talking about how your name sounds like &quot;penis.&quot;

===[[w:Art of Noise|Art of Noise]] with [[w:Tom Jones (singer)|Tom Jones]], &quot;[[w:Kiss (Prince song)|Kiss]]&quot;===
:'''Tom Jones''': You don't have to be beautiful...
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Really!
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Do you think I'm beautiful?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Prince (musician)|Prince]] sure is old.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And he's ''white!''
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He has that disease, like [[w:Michael Jackson|Michael Jackson]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He got it from Prince.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Tom Jones''': You don't have to be rich to be my girl, you don't have to be cool to rule my world...
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Do you have to be, like, cool to rule my world?
:'''Butt-head''': No, you just have to be stupid.
:'''Tom Jones''': ...kiss.
:'''Butt-head''': Kiss ''this!''  [''Beavis moons the TV screen'']
:'''Beavis''': I like that song &quot;[[w:Gett Off|Gett Off]]&quot; better.  And &quot;[[w:Cream (Prince song)|Cream]].&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': You said &quot;get off.&quot;  That was cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey!  This isn't Prince!  This is that old guy that stuffs his pants.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

==B==
===[[w:Babes in Toyland (band)|Babes in Toyland]], &quot;[[w:Bruise Violet|Bruise Violet]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa. These chicks rock.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''[[w:Kat Bjelland|Kat Bjelland]]: [[Liar]].'']
:'''Beavis''': [[Fire]]?
:[''Kat Bjelland: Liar.'']
:'''Beavis''': Fire? Fire, fire! Yeah, fire, fire!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, assmunch, she said &quot;liar.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Are you calling me a liar?
:'''Butt-head''': No, I'm calling you a waste of bumwipe.

===[[w:Bananarama|Bananarama]], &quot;[[w:Venus_(Shocking_Blue_song)#Bananarama_version|Venus]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Is this [[w:Wilson Phillips|Wilson Phillips]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This is back when they were cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Singing along with group'']
:'''Beavis''': I'm your Beavis!
:'''Butt-head''': I'm your Venus…um, hey Beavis, what [[w:penis|rhymes with]] &quot;Venus&quot;?
:'''Beavis''': Um…um…venus…[[w:Venus Flytrap|Venus Flytrap]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These chicks should marry [[GWAR]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! That would be [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]]!
:'''Butt-head''': They would have offspring that would be the coolest people ever lived.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! And they would rule [[w:Antarctica|Antarctica]].
:'''Butt-head''': They would rule the entire world.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''A singer is dressed in a leather devil costume'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Satan's got back!

===[[w:Band Aid (band)|Band Aid]], &quot;[[w:Do They Know It's Christmas?|Do They Know It's Christmas?]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Who's this fartknocker?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. What's wrong with him?
:'''Butt-head''': He should like, go to the doctor, and say: &quot;''Doctor, I suck! You've gotta help me!''&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, heh, that would be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': AUGH! It's that ''dude''!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's that [[w:Boy George|Boy chick]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Phil Collins is seen playing the drums'']
:'''Butt-head''': What a ''dork''!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, really!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Oh, I know what this is! This is one of those things where a bunch of rich people get together and ask for money.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's one of those things.

===[[w:The Bangles|The Bangles]], &quot;[[w:Manic Monday|Manic Monday]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': I heard these girls [[sex|bang]] elves. Hey, Beavis, would you [[sex|bangle]] her?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These are the kind of [[girls]] that won't [[talk]] to us.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, these are a bunch of [[rich]] chicks.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, they're [[afraid]] of our [[love]].

===[[w:Toni Basil|Toni Basil]], &quot;[[w:Mickey (song)|Mickey]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [''laughing''] What's ''this?''  This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  This is stupid!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this [[w:Dire Straits|Dire Straits]] again?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These cheerleaders are fat.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This is stupid!  Change it.
:'''Butt-head''': No, wait a minute.  Check it out.
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head, change it, this sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': No way!
:'''Beavis''': CHANGE IT, BUTT-HEAD, CHANGE IT, THIS SUCKS!

===[[w:Battles (band)|Battles]] feat. [[w:Gary Numan|Gary Numan]], &quot;My Machines&quot;===
:[''a man begins falling down an escalator'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! I like watching people fall down on TV! It's funny.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it's like, if he was just falling downstairs, it would be over fast, but with an escalator, it just keeps going.
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, it'd be funnier if he was fat, but you know this is still pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This rules! I could watch this forever.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I don't think he even wants to get up the escalator.
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe if he'd go buy something instead of monkeying around on the escalator, the economy wouldn't suck.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah! Get off your butt, get off that escalator and go by a [[w:Cinnabon|Cinnabon]]! Maybe some [[w:Dippin' Dots|Dippin' Dots]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': See, see right here during this part, they should be playing some like, uh, some old timey piano music, you know. [''Imitates music'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': His kid's probably like &quot;uh… where's daddy with my birthday presents?&quot; He's drunk at the mall again, flailing around on the escalator. 

===[[Beastie Boys]]===
====&quot;[[w:Pass the Mic|Pass the Mic]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, the Beastie Boys! Yeah! Alright!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's about time.
:'''Beavis''': HELL YEAH! HELL YEAH!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I heard on [[w:MTV News|MTV News]] that [[w:Ad-Rock|this dude's]] [[w:Israel Horovitz|dad]] writes movies.
:'''Beavis''': What do you mean, he writes movies? You can't read a movie!
:'''Butt-head''': No, it's like, he writes what they say.
:'''Beavis''': You mean he just like goes to movies and sits there and writes down everything they say??
:'''Butt-head''': No he writes it down before they say it!
:'''Beavis''': Well how does he know what they're gonna say??!!
:'''Butt-head''': He just, like, makes it up.
:'''Beavis''': Really? Well anybody can do that!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': So like, if there's an explosion, does he write that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think he just like, writes &quot;kaboom&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': How about when like people are like, you know, [[w:sexual intercourse|naked and getting it on]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, he just writes &quot;squeak, squeak, squeak, wank&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': I'll be damned. Well, anybody could do that! It's like, you know, okay, two dudes go try to like, rob this other dude, and he has this chick and she's got big hooters…see, see? I'm doing it right now.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but you're not writing it down.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Sabotage (song)|Sabotage]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, here it is!
:'''Butt-head''': It's about time!
:'''Beavis''': It's on, Butt-head, it's on!
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, Beavis, now shut up!
:'''Beavis''': Okay. I'm just gonna shut my mouth and watch. [''hums the main riff'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''&quot;The Chief&quot; kicks through a steel gate'']
:'''Beavis''': YEAH!!! Check this part out. Yeah, they're gonna kick some ass now!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you said you were gonna shut up.
:'''Beavis''': Oh sorry. I'm just gonna shut up and listen. [''Cochese kicks a concrete wall''] Yeah, yeah, kick it!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Cochese climbs up a tall building, then it cuts to a man carrying groceries'']
:'''Beavis''': Now see, this guy's going up on the roof, and this guy doesn't know what's gonna happen, so when they go in, when he goes into his apartment, they're gonna beat the living crap out of him! Check out.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, I told you to shut up!
:'''Beavis''': Okay, okay! I'm not gonna say anything! I'm just gonna be quiet. I'm just gonna be quiet for a while.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''two of the cops are dressed as a chef and a bellhop'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check this out!  See, he's coming in, he's delivering room service…
:'''Butt-head''': [''interrupting''] Dammit Beavis! [''slaps Beavis'']
:'''Beavis''': Oh, sorry. Yeah, I forgot. Yeah, this is exciting! Yeah, yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''[[w:Adam Yauch|MCA]], in costume, exits a hotel, a caption reads &quot;guest starring Sir Stewart Wallace as himself&quot;'']
:'''Beavis''': Now that's Stewart Wallace, see? Sir Stewart Wallace, he plays himself. This is gonna be cool when the video finally comes out.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, what are you talking about, Beavis? 
:'''Beavis''': You know, when the real video finally comes out?
:'''Butt-head''': This is the video, dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': No way! That's cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''[[w:DJ Hurricane|DJ Hurricane]] appears in the video, a caption reads &quot;Fred Kelly as Bunny&quot;'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, see, there's Fred Kelly, he plays Bunny.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:[''MCA appears once again, but as a different character, a caption reads &quot;starring Nathan Wind as Cochese&quot;'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's Nathan Wind, see? It's Cochese!
:'''Butt-head''': Cochese is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, Cochese kicks ass!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''[[w:Adam Horovitz|Ad-Rock]] appears in the video, a caption reads &quot;Vic Colfari as Bobby, 'The Rookie'&quot;'']
:'''Beavis''': That's &quot;the Rookie&quot;, see? See Cochese back there?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh-huh.
:'''Beavis''': See, the Rookie, he's got a really short fuse.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.
:'''Beavis''': It's like, he's pretty good, but it's like, he's got a bad temper, and so like, Cochese has to calm him down sometimes.
:'''Butt-head''': Cool.

====&quot;So What'cha Want&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are cool 'cause they can, like, jump around real slow.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool if we could go to this forest and hang out with these guys.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  We can, like, dance in the forest and be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''footage of lightning, a volcano erupting, and a tornado is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Is this, like, The Weather Channel?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  The forecast is partially cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beastie Boys''': I'm the illest motherf**ker from here to Gardena...
:'''Butt-head''': [''imitating the Beastie Boys''] Gardena!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': Gardena!
:'''Beavis''': Gardena!  Gardena!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': These guys are good dancers.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I wish I was more like them.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Me too.

===[[Beck]], &quot;[[w:Pay No Mind (Snoozer)|Pay No Mind]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, what's that noise?
:'''Butt-head''': It's Satan, dumbass. [''imitates warbled tape'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, heh, that's cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beck''': Tonight the city is full of morgues…
:'''Butt-head''': Tonight, the city's full of whores?
:'''Beavis''': I wish our city was full of whores. That'd be pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…yeah, I guess that would be pretty cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Beck is wearing a shirt that says &quot;Rock Me&quot;'']
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out Beavis, his shirt says &quot;Kick me&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Maybe someone will kick him in the nads.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, kick him.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Who is this fartknocker, anyway?
:'''Butt-head''': He's like, one of those dudes from the gifted class.
:'''Beavis''': Those guys always, like, write words like this.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really. &quot;The sails climb high in the garbage pail sky.&quot; That's stupid.
:'''Beavis''': How come people in the gifted class are always stupid?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…hmm. I dunno.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''seeing a policeman run into a house'']
:'''Beavis''': Ten Six Niner, Ten Six Niner, we got whores in the city! We need back up now! Come on!

===[[w:Bee Gees|Bee Gees]], &quot;[[w:Jive Talkin'|Jive Talkin']]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Is this [[w:The Black Crowes|the Black Crowes]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Wait a minute, this isn't Black Crowes. This is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! These guys are cool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, who are these guys?
:'''Beavis''': Uhhhhh, ummmm, I think they just went on tour with [[w:Anthrax (band)|Anthrax]] and [[w:White Zombie|White Zombie]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. They're cool.

===[[w:Belly (band)|Belly]], &quot;[[w:Feed the Tree|Feed the Tree]]&quot;===
:[''video is set in a forest'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''scoffs''] Trees.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I don't think I shall ever see anything as stupid as a tree.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Do you like [[w:Tanya Donelly|her]] hair up or down, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I think with this particular outfit, it looks better up.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Do you think if this band was playing in the forest, and like, a tree fell on 'em, 'cause they sucked, do you think anybody would be there?
:'''Beavis''': No one would hear 'em, because they'd be dead!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but what if, like, the tree fell, and it only, like, hit a couple of 'em, and then-- hey Beavis!  What are your hands doing in your pocket?
:'''Beavis''': I'm just looking for my lighter.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh huh.  You've been looking for about 15 minutes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:Pat Benatar|Pat Benatar]], &quot;[[w:Love Is a Battlefield|Love Is a Battlefield]]&quot;===
:[''video opens with Pat Benatar arguing with her parents and running away from home'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, look!  She's running away from home, and she's only 30!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Pat is shown walking by a strip club with &quot;GIRLS&quot; flashing'']
:'''Beavis''':  Girls!  Girls!  Girls!  Girls!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Pat is standing by a subway escalator; a man bumps her butt with his hand'']
:'''Butt-head''': He touched her butt!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She's a hooker!  [''Pat's father is shown''] His daughter's a hooker!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Pat is singing in a crowd'']
:'''Butt-head''': She's singing to the homeless!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  What are the homeless?
:'''Beavis''': I don't know.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She's shaking her boobs!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis!  This video tells a story!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I'm pitching a tent!
:'''Butt-head''': This story sucks!  Change it.

===[[w:Big Country|Big Country]], &quot;[[w:In a Big Country|In a Big Country]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, Butt-head, three-wheelers!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Those are cool!  I heard if you, like, turn really sharp on those, they'll turn over and crush you.  That would be cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  And if you peel out, you could tear up all the plants!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That's cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Divers.  Go down!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': This is, like, a [[w:James Bond in film|James Bong movie]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They need that short guy, [[w:Oddjob|Handjob]] to come out.
:'''Butt-head''': You said &quot;job&quot;!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this, like, an [[w:Irish Spring|Irish Spring]] commercial?  [''bad Irish accent''] ''&quot;I might stronger than I care to be!&quot;''
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  &quot;It is a manly soap.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Manly, yes, but Beavis likes it, too!&quot; [''laughs uncontrollably'']
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, bunghole!  I'll kick your ass!  [''Butt-head continues laughing''] Shut up, Butt-head!

===[[w:Biohazard (band)|Biohazard]]===
====&quot;Punishment&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': [[Nipple]] rings are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I'm gonna get one.
:'''Butt-head''': These guys kick ass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, they could kick our ass.

====&quot;Tales From the Hard Side&quot;====
:'''[[w:Evan Seinfeld|Evan Seinfeld]]''': Tales from the hard side!
:'''Butt-head''': Tales from the ''hard'' side?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Is that, like, stories about [[w:Erection|stiffies]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  It's like, &quot;Once upon a time, I had a stiffy.  And I lived happily ever after.  And that's my tale from the hard side.  Thank you, I'm Beavis.  Good night.&quot;  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': If I had a story for every stiffy I had, I'd have like, uh, several stories.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Yeah, me too. 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  It's like, these guys, like, jump around and stuff like they're rapping, but like, this isn't rap music.  It's metal!
:'''Butt-head''': So what, Beavis?  You just don't have any like, uh, imagination. 
:'''Beavis''': Um, I know.  I don't want any, either.  Imagination sucks!  It HURTS when I use my imagination! 
:'''Butt-head''': Okay.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That dude can scream for a long time.
:'''Beavis''': No way, that's nothing!  Check this out. [''Beavis screams without stopping for the remainder of the video'']
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up!

===[[w:Biohazard (band)|Biohazard]] w/ [[w:Onyx (band)|Onyx]], &quot;Judgment Night&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are cool cause they're like, pissed off.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like they're cool cause they're like, pissed off.
:'''Butt-head''': Damnit Beavis, how come you always have to repeat what I say? Why do you do that?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, heh, why do you do that?
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, if you repeat what I say one more time I'm gonna kick your ass.
:'''Beavis''': I'm gonna kick ''your'' ass.
:'''Butt-head''': See, you did it again, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': ''You'' did it again, heh, Beavis.

===[[w:Bivouac (band)|Bivouac]], &quot;Cynic&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…this is boring.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really! It's boring enough to watch this, and then they're bored doing it; maybe next time, they'll learn to rock!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': What a bunch of wussies. It's like they're all hanging out by the diving board, but like, everyone's too chicken to jump off.
:'''Beavis''': If they could like take those guitars and those amps, and just like, push them off the diving board and into the water, and you know, watch them all get electrocuted or something, that would rule!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, I dove off the high dive once. Remember? That was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, you didn't dive, Beavis, you fell off. You were trying to run back to the ladder and you slipped.
:'''Beavis''': No, no way!
:'''Butt-head''': You were flailing around in the water. And then that dude with the hairy chest came and saved you.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! At least I fell off it! I didn't even see you climb up!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah I did! After they took you off in the ambulance, I was like, doing a bunch of swan dives. It was cool! And then I scored.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? You're cool, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It was cool!

===[[w:Biz Markie|Biz Markie]], &quot;[[w:Just A Friend|Just A Friend]]&quot;===
:[''Biz Markie is dressed as [[Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart|Mozart]] and playing the harpsichord'']
:'''Butt-head''': He's dressed up like [[George Washington|that dude]] on the [[w:United_States_one-dollar_bill|dollar]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Biz Markie''': You! You got what I need! But you say he's just a friend, but you say he's just a friend, oh, baby…
:'''Butt-head''': [''singing off-key''] YOU!! GOT WHAT I NEE-EED!! BUT YOU SAY HE'S JUST A FRIEND!! Huh huh, I'm pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': [''also singing off-key''] OH, BABY, YOOOOUUUUU!!! GOT WHAT I NEEEEEED!!! Amadeus Markie.
:'''Butt-head''': What?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis, I'm gonna get me one of those gold chains to put around my neck.
:'''Beavis''': Me, too.
:'''Butt-head''': I would look pretty cool, huh?

===[[Björk|Björk]]===
====&quot;[[w:Army of Me|Army of Me]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': This is that, Bee-ork chick…
:'''Beavis''': I heard she has a, you know, like, a schlong. 
:'''Butt-head''': Where did you hear that?
:'''Beavis''': This guy told me.  
:'''Butt-head''': What guy?
:'''Beavis''': This guy in the bathroom.  
:'''Butt-head''': You mean in the bathroom at school?
:'''Beavis''': No, the bathroom right here. Right here in this house.
:'''Butt-head''': What are you talking about, Beavis?  
:'''Beavis''': There's this dude who's in there sometimes. I'm serious. He's probably still there, he was there this morning. 
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it Beavis. There's no one in there.
:'''Beavis''': Yes there is, Butt-head. Go check it out.  
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you're a bunghole. [''exits. the sound of a door opening can be heard''] Uhh…Beavis, flush the toilet next time! [''re-enters''] There wasn't anybody in there.
:'''Beavis''': Hm. Usually he's in the mirror.  
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…does he look like a buttmunch?
:'''Beavis''': Um…yeah.  
:'''Butt-head''': Does he have like blond hair?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, that's him. Yeah.  
:'''Butt-head''': And does he kinda talk like this? [''does a bad impression of Beavis''] &quot;Oh yeah, uh huh huh huh.&quot; 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Kinda like that. &quot;Yeah, yeah, björk has a dong&quot;. 
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass.

====&quot;[[w:Big Time Sensuality|Big Time Sensuality]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Um, is that Snoop Doggy Dog?
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass!  That's a chick.  She's got his haircut, though. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  She's a weirdo. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  She's, like, one of those drama club teachers. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  They're always trying to get you to, like, prance around like some kind of wussy. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it's like they say, &quot;Be a tree&quot;. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  &quot;Now be a sad tree.  Now be a happy tree!&quot; 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Man.  This chick is out of her gourd! 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  She's, like, completely whacked out. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but it's like, I can't really blame her, because, like, some of these weird chicks makes tons of money. 
:'''Beavis''': Really? 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's not like they're going around saying, &quot;We need a ''normal'' chick to dance on this truck.&quot; 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Hey, Butt-head.  Do you think I could make some, like, money if I acted like a weird chick? 
:'''Butt-head''': I think you have to, like, be from England or something.
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Dammit!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Björk grabs her crotch'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, she's grabbing her crotch!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah!  Um...hey Butt-head, I though chicks didn't have a crotch. 
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass.  You're thinking of nads.
:'''Beavis''': Um, well, I was thinking it was a crotch, actually, but, you know...s - some girls have a crotch?  Hmm.  I'll be damned.

===[[w:Black Francis|Frank Black]], &quot;[[w:Los Angeles (Frank Black song)|Los Angeles]]&quot;===
:'''Frank Black''': I met a man, he was a good man...
:'''Butt-head''': [''imitating Frank Black''] Uhhhhhh, uhhhhhh, I met a good man!  Uhhhhhhhh, uhhhhhhhh, uhhhhhhhh!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the drummer is pointing his drumstick towards the camera'']
:'''Butt-head''': Quit pointing that stick at me!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He's just trying to show off.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Who ''are'' these guys?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Where's the fat guy?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...I don't know.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They ROCK!  They ROCK!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a car is shown running over several light bulbs'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  If I had my driver's license, I'd like, run over some light bulbs.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Hey, Butt-head.  You know what we should do, like, in the meantime?  We should go get some light bulbs and stuff, and stomp on 'em!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  That's a good idea, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Thanks.

===[[w:The Black Crowes|Black Crowes]], &quot;High Head Blues&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, cool! That's just like that spaceship I was telling you about, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, what spaceship?
:'''Beavis''': Y'know, that one that landed right outside my window? And then like, these dudes came in the house and like, [[w:Hypnotism|hypmotized]] me, and then like, took me into space and stuff. See, check out these marks on my leg. This is where they tried to esperiment on me.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, that's where you got a gravel burn tryin' to look cool on your bike!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, that's right.
:'''Butt-head''': And you looked like a dork.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that wasn't too good, yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Check it out, Butt-head, they're gonna put him in the oven! AH!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. They're putting him in the oven 'cause no one likes him anymore.
:'''Beavis''': Um, I still kinda like him, but um, but y'know, I think it's cool that they're gonna put him in the oven. Y'know.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Who are these little guys?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think these are like the Seminiferous Nadclobial Buttnoids?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, the Seminiferous Buttcloids from outer space. Yeah, yeah that's what they are.
:'''Butt-head''': They're gonna climb inside his mouth and walk down to his wiener!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, this is gonna be cool. Y'know if, um, if those Seminiferous Nadial Globial Buttnoids had to walk down my mouth and like, all the way down to my wiener, that would be a long walk! Know what I'm saying? Y'know?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. And then they'd probably get lost and come out your bunghole.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and then I could poop 'em out! Poop!
:'''Butt-head''': Remember that time your mom's cat ate all that string? And then for like a week he had, like, poop on a rope.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, that was cool! It was like sausage links! That ruled.

===[[Black Sabbath]], &quot;[[w:Iron Man (song)|Iron Man]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Hey, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Check it out!  [''screams in delight; he and Butt-head imitate the bass guitar riff'']
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Which one's [[w:Ozzy Osbourne|Ozzy]]?
:'''Beavis''': That's him in the [[w:Members Only|Members Only]] jacket.
:'''Butt-head''': No way, that's Ozzy's son!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Ozzy's older than that.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, Ozzy's an old fart!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': This is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah!  Yeah!
:[''the two imitate the bass guitar riff'']
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Are these guys from [[w:Seattle|Seattle]]?
:'''Butt-head''': No, assmunch.  They're American.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Hey, Butt-head, Ozzy bit off the head of a cow once.
:'''Butt-head''':  Yeah.  That was cool!  Milk poured out of his neck.

===[[w:Blind Melon|Blind Melon]], &quot;[[w:Galaxie (song)|Galaxie]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': How come it seems like every video now has a little kid in it?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, you got some kind of problem with kids, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah, I ''do!''  They're always, like, laughing at me when I'm not looking.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, grown-ups do that too, Beavis.  'Cause you're a dumbass dork.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''sperm is shown in the background'']
:'''Butt-head''': How come there's always sperm in videos now?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I don't know, um...
:'''Butt-head''': I think, like, the band makes the video, and then like, the executives come in and say, &quot;Uhh...well, it's pretty cool, but uh, could you put some sperm in there somewhere?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah, really.  You know, um, I could provide 'em with, um--
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, stop it!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Oh no, this is Blind Melon!  Did you know all these guys are blind?
:'''Beavis''': No way, really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I saw it on MTV News.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, I'll be damned!  You know the cool thing about being blind, is that, like, if a crappy video comes on, you don't have to watch it, see?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah.  Okay, Beavis.

===[[w:Blondie (band)|Blondie]], &quot;[[w:Rapture (Blondie song)|Rapture]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': What's this crap?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  This chick looks like that one porno star.
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis, that's that chick from that ''[[w:Hairspray (1988 film)|Hairspray]]'' movie.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  This chick's real name is [[w:Debbie Harry|Deborah Harry]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': So like, if you looked up her name in the phone book, it would say &quot;Harry Deborah.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': How come?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...I don't know, they always put 'em backwards.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Debbie Harry is dancing with her back towards a man'']
:'''Butt-head''': Look at this dork!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  What is this, Battle of the Dorks?
:[''Debbie nudges him away'']
:'''Butt-head''': I think we have a winner.
:'''Beavis''': I think we have a wiener.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This looks like one of those commercials for [[w:K-tel|K-tel Records]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Hey, Beavis!  I hear disco is making a comeback!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  &quot;Just dial 1-800-WUSS!&quot;

===[[w:Blues Traveler|Blues Traveler]], &quot;[[w:Run Around|Run Around]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Check out that chick's panties!
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis! Don't talk to me when a chick's panties are on TV. It's like…you mess up my mind, and I can't see the panties right.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I think this is Blues Traveler. 
:'''Beavis''': No it's not! Where's that [[w:John Popper|big fat dude]]?
:'''Butt-head''': I think that's him, Beavis. I think he just like, lost a lot of weight.
:'''Beavis''': Dammit, that pisses me off! Everybody keeps getting skinny!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He looked better when he was a big, fat slob on stage going blblblblblblblblblbl.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. His stomach was hanging over his pants, going blblblblblblblblblbl. 
:'''Butt-head''': No Beavis! I'm fingering my lips. Blblblblblblblblblbl-big fat dude-blblblblblbl.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Remember [[w:Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids|that cartoon]] that had that big, fat dude in it and he used to go &quot;Hey Hey Hey!&quot;? 
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. And then they had that friend with his eyes cut out of his hat and he would go [''In wobbling voice''] Hey blblblbaby-let's go aroun-blblblblblblblblbl!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. See, they used to have cool cartoons! Cartoons now just suck.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I don't think [[w:Dorothy Gale|Dorothy]] was this hot in the [[w:The Wizard of Oz (film)|movie]].
:'''Butt-head''': Chicks were all like ugly in olden times…it was like, really messed up.
:'''Beavis''': I guess that's why old dudes are like all cranky and stuff. They're like [''imitating an old man's voice''] &quot;Back in my day, you'd hardly ever get wood watching TV…&quot; [''babbles incoherently'']

===[[Blur (band)|Blur]]===
====&quot;[[w:Chemical World|Chemical World]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, that guy's touching his wiener!!!
:'''Butt-head''': So? You are too!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Oh, oh yeah! But that's different.
:'''Butt-head''': What's different about it?
:'''Beavis''': Um, it's a different wiener!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it's probably bigger too.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out. I-I'd like to try peeing on a snail some time. Tha-that'd be cool, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': You wanna pee on a snail?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's like, like, I'd like to pee anywhere outside, but y'know, I just feel like, y'know, peeing on a snail, y'know, ehhh that'd be something different.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhh, how 'bout peeing in the toilet?
:'''Beavis''': Heh, oh yeah. I haven't done that in a while.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a goat appears on screen'']
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, a wolf.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? I'd like to try peeing on a wolf some time, yeah that'd be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, if you tried to pee on a wolf, he would bite your wiener off!
:'''Beavis''': Ohhhh yeah. I'd like to try maybe peeing on one of these guys, some time, y'know like, while they're asleep?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, you must get tired of peeing on yourself all the time.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. Y'know, when I was like, y'know, talkin' about peeing on those wolves and stuff?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh-huh?
:'''Beavis''': I wasn't really gonna do it, y'know. It just like, y'know, it like, helps to talk about it.

====&quot;[[w:Parklife (song)|Parklife]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': This is a happy little tune.
:'''Beavis''': Can you change the channel, Butt-head?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, is that [[w:Richard Dawson|that dude]] who's the host on [[w:Family Feud|Family Feud]]?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Survey SAID!!! Pretty good, huh?
:'''Butt-head''': Name the place where I usually kick Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um, nads?
:'''Butt-head''': Survey SAID!!! [''imitates buzzer''] Buuuuhhhhh!!!! I'm sorry, the correct answer was &quot;ass&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Damn it.
:'''Butt-head''': And I have to kick you there right now. [''smacks Beavis'']
:'''Beavis''': AAHH! Cut it out, butthole! Family Feud sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, [''scoffs''] ''families''.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Phil Daniels''': I get up when I want, except on Wednesdays, when I get rudely wakened by the dustmen…
:'''Butt-head''': What the hell language is he speaking?
:'''Beavis''': I don't know. It's like, I can hear some American words in there, but then, it's like, I can't really tell what he's saying.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This must be English. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. [''Beavis gibbers in a fake Cockney accent''] 
:'''Butt-Head''': England sucks. You know those asswipes the Beatles? They ruined music!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How come all these dudes have to put an ice cream truck in their video?
:'''Beavis''': I don't know. I guess it's like…whoa, whoa, slap him!

===[[w:Michael Bolton|Michael Bolton]]===
====&quot;Everybody's Crazy&quot;====
:'''Man in video''': Michael, are you crazy?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, Michael who?
:'''Beavis''': [[Michael Jackson]]?
:''[the conversation in the video continues'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh my god, it's Michael Bolton!
:'''Butt-head''': No it's not. [''embarrased''] Uhh…uh oh.
:'''Beavis''': What, what?
:'''Butt-head''': I think I just pooped in my pants.
:'''Beavis''': No way, really?
:'''Butt-head''': I realized it was Michael Bolton, and my bowels let loose.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Boy, it's like, he's trying to play heavy metal now or something.
:'''Butt-head''': He can probably make any kind of music suck.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, he's probably gonna do gangsta rap next, probably like [''does a bad imitation of Michael Bolton''] &quot;'''''Droppin' plates on yo ass, bee-otch!'''''&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Then he'd put the smackdown.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': How come chicks like this dude so much?
:'''Butt-head''': There's some snakes and bombs in this. Maybe he has a bomb in his pants!
:'''Beavis''': Well, you know, um, you have a BM in your pants. So like, maybe you could, like, y'know, go up to a chick and say, uh, &quot;Yeah, I have a bee-em in my pants&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I was just kidding. I didn't poop in my pants. Dumbass.

====&quot;[[w:How Am I Supposed to Live Without You|How Am I Supposed to Live Without You]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Uh!
:[''Beavis does a spit take'']
:'''Beavis''': UUAUGH!!!! AAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
:'''Butt-head''': UUHH!!!
:'''Beavis''': CHANGE IT, Butt-head!!!!
:'''Butt-head''': AUGH!
:'''Beavis''': CHANGE IT!!!! COME ON!!!!
:'''Butt-head''': Augh!
:'''Beavis''': COME ON, Butt-head, CHANGE IT, CHANGE IT!!!!!!!!!
:'''Butt-head''': Come on, Beavis, just check it out.
:'''Beavis''': [''butting in''] CHANGE IT!!! Aah!
:'''Butt-head''': I think this is one of those, like, coffee commercials. [''singing badly''] '''''THE BEST PART OF WAKING UP!'''''
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Remember that café in Paris?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': &quot;JEAN PIERE!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah really!

===[[Bon Jovi]]===
====&quot;In These Arms&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': AAGH!
:'''Butt-head''': UUGH!
:'''Beavis''': NO!
:'''Butt-head''': Check this out! What a wuss!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''seeing Jon Bon Jovi'']
:'''Butt-head''': Is that [[w:Bridget Fonda|Bridget Fonda]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! [[w:Baby Got Back|Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda! My anaconda don't want none unless it's got buns, hun!]]

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;I'm a cowboy&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, &quot;Riding his steel horse, across the great wuss plains!&quot;
:'''Jon Bon Jovi''': Baby, I want you!
:'''Beavis''': [''mockingly''] '''''BABY, I WANT YOOOOOOOUUUUUU!!!!!!!! LIKE THE ROSES WANT THE RAIN!!'''''
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Like the roses want the rain&quot;? [''pauses''] That's stupid!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Hey Butt-head, remember when these guys were cool?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhhhhhhhh, no? You probably like these guys! Wuss!
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head, I hate these guys! I was thinkin' of like, somebody else.

====&quot;Something For the Pain&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': [''scoffing''] Bon Jovi.
:'''Beavis''': But you know, this song, it's kind of, um…uh…never mind.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, what?
:'''Beavis''': Well, I was just gonna say, you know, this song, I mean…you know, it sucks, but there's this one part that I kinda like where it kinda goes [''sings''] &quot;Give me something for the pain…&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, what did you say, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Well, no, I'm just saying…you know, I kinda like this one part of the song where it goes [''sings''] &quot;Give me something for the pain…&quot; [''Butt-head slaps Beavis multiple times''] Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Cut it out, bunghole!
:'''Butt-head''': I'm doing it for your own good, Beavis. You were starting to like this song.
:'''Beavis''': Well, no, I mean, I still think Bon Jovi sucks, but I just kinda think this song, you know, it kind of, um…there's just this one part that kind of, like…''[Butt-head repeatedly slaps Beavis again''] 
:'''Butt-head''': If you say one more good thing about Bon Jovi, I'm gonna really smack the bejesus out of you.
:'''Beavis''': Okay, so it sucks. But it doesn't suck as much as…''[Butt-head repeatedly slaps Beavis again''] Cut it out! Damn it, Butt-head! Bon Jovi rules! [''kicks Butt-head in the testicles''] Bunghole!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Take that! Yeah, I like this song.
:'''Butt-head''': This sucks. And as soon as my nads feel better, I'm gonna beat the living crap outta you. [''Beavis kicks him in the testicles again''] AAAAHHH!!!
:'''Beavis''': You can't tell me what sucks! I like this, so blow it up your ass!

===[[w:Bow Wow Wow|Bow Wow Wow]], &quot;[[w:I Want Candy|I Want Candy]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And it sucks, too.
:'''Butt-head''': That's what I said!  Bumwipe.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Annabella Lwin|She]] should get naked.  [''Beavis laughs uncontrollably''] Shut up, Beavis!  You're slobbering all over me!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She's pretty friendly for a chick with a [[w:Mohawk hairstyle|Mohawk]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  [[Women|Chicks]] with Mohawks are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Does she want candy?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  She wants a Baby Ruth and some Starburst.
:'''Butt-head''': And some wacky wafers.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.

===[[w:Edie Brickell &amp; New Bohemians|Edie Brickell &amp; New Bohemians]], &quot;[[w:What I Am|What I Am]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''referring to [[Edie Brickell]], who is squatting''] She's pinching a loaf.
:'''Butt-head''': That's [[disgusting]]!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She's [[married]] to that [[Paul Simon|short, old guy]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that dude from [[Africa]] that used to be in [[The Beatles]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[Edie Brickell]]''': [[Shove]] [[me]] in the shallow [[water]] before I get too deep.
:'''Butt-head''': She said &quot;deep.&quot;
:'''Edie Brickell''': Shove me in the shallow water before I get too deep.
:'''Butt-head''': Huh, she said &quot;deep.&quot;
:'''Edie Brickell''': Shove me in the shallow water before I get too deep! [''Butt-head laughs again''] Choke me in the shallow water before I get too deep! [''Butt-head laughs again'']
:'''Edie Brickell''': Shove me in the shallow water before I get too…
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Deep.&quot;
:'''Edie Brickell''': …deep. Don't let me get too deep. Don't let me get too deep.
:'''Beavis''': This chick is deep.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Edie Brickell''': What I am is what I am…
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;What I am.&quot; Didn't [[Popeye]] say that?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! They ripped this off from Popeye.

===[[Garth Brooks]], &quot;[[w:The Thunder Rolls|The Thunder Rolls]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, check this out. (Mocking Garth Brooks singing in warbled voice) &quot;Somewheeere It never should beeeeeeeeen~!
:'''Beavis''': It looks like a zombie.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah... (Mocking the singer in warbled voice again) THUNDER ROOOOOOOOOOLL~! Whatever happened to [[country music|country]] [[songs]] about [[w:whisky|whisky]], [[alcoholic beverages|drinkin']], and butt-kicking?

===Paul Broucek, &quot;Hollywood Halloween&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, he has an eyeball in his mouth.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool if you had, like, an eyeball in your butt. And then you could like, uh-
:'''Beavis''': Ah, shut up, Butt-head, you always say stuff like that.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I'm gonna shove your eyeballs up your butt sideways if you ever tell me to shut up again.
:'''Beavis''': Heh, oh oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, these dudes look too old to be trick or treating.
:'''Beavis''': Maybe they were like, um, you know how sometimes the kids' dads gets dressed up too?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, ''dads''.
:'''Beavis''': Or uh, nads.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Remember that time your mom had that Halloween party?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Don't talk about that Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Then we went in your mom's room, and that dude dressed up like [[Colonel Sanders]] was in there. He didn't have any pants on.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': His &quot;drumstick&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! [''starts laughing''] Oh yeah yeah. Oh yeah! His drumstick.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a man in a Spider-Man costume is seen robbing a cash register'']
:'''Butt-head''': Look, it's Batman.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Anyways, um, whoa cool, cops, yeah! Maybe we'll see some domestic disputes! Or like some excessive force on some perpetrators!
:'''Butt-head''': It's about time somebody called the cops. This video sucks.

===[[w:Julie Brown|Julie Brown]], &quot;[[w:Girl Fight Tonight!|Girl Fight Tonight!]]&quot;===
:'''Julie Brown''': Girl fight tonight!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, girl fight!  Yeah, yeah, chicks!  Yeah, yeah!  Here's some chicks!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, not so fast, Beavis.  Those aren't chicks.
:'''Beavis''': Um...
:'''Butt-head''': This is that beer commercial where those four dudes come in and it's like, ladies night...
:'''Beavis''': Hmm...
:'''Butt-head''': and they're dressed up like chicks.
:'''Beavis''': Um, no way, really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's really dumb.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head!  Um, really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Boy.  He has pretty nice boobs for a dude!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...yeah, I guess so.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''Julie pulls out a switchblade with a lipstick tip''] Whoa!  Check it out, she's got a boner switchblade.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  That's cool!  Yeah.  [''girl who got threatened backs against a wall''] I'll save you, baby!  I'll save you!  So long as you do it with me.  It's like one of those movies where they're kicking ass in a restaurant, and the guy comes out and says, [''Japanese accent''] &quot;Your crab style very good, but it no match for my flying crane style!  Ah-hooowaaaaaahh!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Except this is a beer commercial.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I like when girls fight, 'cause they're like, &quot;Yeah, she called me a bitch!  And I said, 'You're a slut!'  And she said, 'Yeah, well, we'll go outside and we'll see who the slut is, bitch!'&quot;  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Julie Brown''': That's right, you slut!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you slut!
:'''Julie Brown''': I'm gonna rip out your hairs one by one!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, bitch!
:[''Julie tackles a girl into a kiddie pool of a white substance, the duo are in awe'']
:'''Butt-head''': They should have done this at the ''beginning'' of the video!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Mud wrestling rules!

===[[w:The Bubblemen|The Bubblemen]], &quot;The Bubblemen Are Coming&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Uh, wait a minute, wait a minute…ooh, I've seen these guys before.
:'''Butt-head''': No you haven't, Beavis, we've never seen this.
:'''Beavis''': Yes I have. AAH!! Like, I've been having nightmares about these guys. What is this??? Come on, Butt-head, change it, this is freaking me out.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you wuss.
:'''Beavis''': [''a Bubbleman stares at the television''] AAAHH, LOOK, HE'S LOOKING AT ME!!
:'''Butt-head''': How can you be scared of these guys?
:'''Beavis''': You don't understand, Butt-head. You haven't seen what these guys do. I have these nightmares, it's like they tie me to a chair, and then it's like, they dance around me and look at me going &quot;Doing doing doing doing doing&quot;, and then they get medieval on my ass. [''a Bubbleman waves''] AAAH, HE'S WAVING AT ME!! And it's like, they're smiling because they know what they're gonna do to me. And you know what else freaks me out? It's like, they have nads on their heads, see? [''the Bubblemen dance onto a stage with microphones''] See, they're just dancing around now, but pretty soon, they're gonna do it.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, those aren't nads. Those are like, uh, antennas.
:'''Beavis''': Well, how do you know there aren't like, nads inside the antennas? [''the Bubblemen are now playing with a beach ball''] AAAH NO, NOT THE BEACH BALL!!!! NO!! AAAAAAGGGGGHHH!!! Besides, it's like, I think they use those antennas to receive evil messages.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you wussy!
:'''Beavis''': Oh good, I think it's over. Ahh.

===[[w:The Bucketheads|The Bucketheads]], &quot;[[w:The Bomb (These Sounds Fall into My Mind)|The Bomb]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…who's this?
:'''Beavis''': This is Buk-a-hey!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, okay.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the man in the video is seen with two women'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, is this supposed to be a dream?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…no, this dude really lives like this.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, that's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, if you were scoring with two chicks at the same time in real life, what would you dream about? Cause all I dream about now is scoring.
:'''Beavis''': Well, if I was scoring with two chicks at the same time in real life, then I would dream about scoring with three chicks. And if I was scoring with three chicks, I'd dream about scoring with, um…FOUR! Four chicks!
:'''Butt-head''': And then if I had five chicks at the same time, I'd just put my face in all their buttcheeks and go blblblblblb.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a shot of a woman's butt in tight pants is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Her butt looks better in pants than most chicks butts look naked.
:'''Beavis''': [''quickly''] Her butt looks better in pants than most chicks butts look naked. Her butt looks better in pants than most chicks butts look naked. Her butt looks better in pants than most chicks butts look naked.

===[[w:Built to Spill|Built to Spill]], &quot;In the Morning&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, he's sleeping with a pig!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, so what, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I'm just trying to make conversation! Bunghole!
:'''Butt-head''': Well why don't you make it somewhere else, bungwipe?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know what this dude looks like? This dude looks like that chick. That tennis player…[[w:Monica Seles|Monica Seles]].
:'''Butt-head''': How come you know so much about tennis all of a sudden?
:'''Beavis''': Um, well you know, I like to watch the [[w:Wimbledon|Wilbumdon]]. Oh, and also, there's this chick, and her name is ‘Stiffy.'
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah, [[w:Steffi Graf|Stiffy Graf]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, this part right here, this was already in another video. Was it, [''sings''] &quot;[[w:Stand (R.E.M. song)|Stand in the place where you live]],&quot; …yeah, that's what this was in!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…yeah, I think everything in this video was in another video.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. It's like everything you see in this video was in another video.
:'''Butt-head''': Everything sucks.

===[[Kate Bush]], &quot;Love and Anger&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Oh no, what is this crap?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, why is she just sitting there?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Get up!
:'''Beavis''': Just like, just stand up and get out of there.
:'''Butt-head''': I wish she would stand up and leave.
:'''Beavis''': And I wish the music would stop too.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Just because we have to sit through this crap doesn't mean she can too!
:[''Glitter begins to fall on her'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey look, Butt-head! They're throwing a bunch of crap on her!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! And she ''still'' won't get up.
:'''Beavis''': Maybe she's inside one of [[w:snowglobe|those things]], you know like when you shake it and there's a snowman in it and stuff comes down?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. I like to break those.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Me too. I like to break just about anything.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': What's all that crap she's holding?
:'''Beavis''': I don't know. Maybe they're like tools or something.
:'''Butt-head''': …tools?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey check out those guys!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. Mr. Bungholio and his twirling fartknockers.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It's like someone said, &quot;Okay, this sucks. I think it's time to bring out Mr. Bungholio and his twirling buttknockers.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…that's fartknocker, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I wish this chick would just quit whining.
:'''Beavis''': Um…you know, you could change the channel, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': I shouldn't have to do that. She should just shut up. She's the one who sucks.

===[[David Byrne]], &quot;Angels&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''singing''] [[w:Pinball Wizard|Ever since I was a young boy, I've played the silver ball!]]
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is what happens when, like, old people try to rap.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Hey, didn't this guy, like, already do [[w:Once in a Lifetime (Talking Heads song)|this song]] before?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...oh yeah.  But he has long hair now.
:'''Beavis''': You mean, like...every time you grow your hair long, you have to, like, go do all your songs over again?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...no.  That's not what I said.  [''imitates the Talking Heads song &quot;Once in a Lifetime&quot;''] And you may ask yourself!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And you may spank yourself!
:'''Butt-head''': And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile!
:'''Beavis''': And you may find yourself, in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife!  And you may ask her, &quot;Where's the bathroom at?&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''David Byrne''': I can barely touch my own self...
:'''Butt-head''': He can't ''touch'' himself?
:'''Beavis''': Um... th - that's not really very funny.  I - it's like, um, that couldn't happen to ''me'', could it?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...
:[''the two see a spinning naked mannequin with a bag over its head'']
:'''Beavis''': H - h - hey, wait!  W - w - wait a - wait a minute, wait a minute!
:'''Butt-head''': That wasn't a chick, was it?
:'''Beavis''': I think it ''was'', Butt-head.  I think a saw a couple boobs!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, change it, Butt-head, this is making me dizzy.
:'''Butt-head''': Come on, Beavis!  It'll give you a good buzz.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but it's like, I'm getting sick to my stomach, come on!
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

==C==
===[[w:Cage the Elephant|Cage the Elephant]], &quot;In One Ear&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, check it out!  An Indian!
:'''Beavis''': You know, something I've always wondered about Indians, are they Mexicans?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah?
:'''Butt-head''': Remember, you asked that question in Social Studies, and the teacher sent you to the principal's office?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  And the principal didn't know either!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, do you know what &quot;Cage the Elephant&quot; means?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, like um, choking your chicken?
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you think everything means that!   But uh, in this case, it does.
:[''laughing and a shot of a very content face is shown'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  That guy just caged his elephant!

===[[w:California Raisins|California Raisins]], &quot;Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': What's this? This is pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Who are these guys?
:'''Butt-head''': They look kinda like turds!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Turds are cool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, if turds could talk, what would they say?
:'''Beavis''': They'd say: &quot;''I don't like being a turd! Being a turd sucks!''&quot; It's like, you gotta, like, try to swim in the toilet, and then you like, get flushed down, and then you, go through the pipes, and then you go out to the ocean! And then there's like, sharks and stuff!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis! Turds don't drown. They float!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a group of camels are shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Those giraffes are pretty cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! I like the turds better though.
:'''Butt-head''': Would you feel bad about flushing a talking turd?
:'''Beavis''': No way! I'd say: &quot;''Drown you fecal matter!''&quot;

===[[w:Cannibal Corpse|Cannibal Corpse]], &quot;Staring Through the Eyes of the Dead&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [''immitating the singer's growl''] OAAAA!  DAAAAUUUUGH!  Yeah.  It's like, everybody sings like this now.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': WHoa, look at their hair, Butt-head!  It reminds me of like those pom poms, at like pep rallies.  
:'''Butt-head''': You go to pep rallies?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  You know, sometimes I go just to check out the butts.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': If these guys practiced their instruments, as much as they practiced shaking their hair around, they'd be like pretty good, probably.
:'''Beavis''': I don't know, they'd probably still suck, probably.  But you know maybe that's just me, I don't know.

===[[w:Carcass (band)|Carcass]], &quot;Heartwork&quot;===
:[''the band members have long blonde hair'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, it's [[w:Cousin Itt|Cousin Itt]]!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': [''jabbers like Cousin Itt'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''seeing what appears to be two men using a welding torch on a taller man's rectum'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, what are they doing to that guy?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…maybe they're welding his buttcheeks shut.
:'''Beavis''': Um, heh…why would they do that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I dunno, I think it would be cool to have a butt without a crack. It's like, instead of having two buttcheeks, you just have one. That would rule.
:'''Beavis''': So like, um, how would you take a dump?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, it's like, you wouldn't have to take a dump anymore. Because like, you know, you'd only have one butt.
:'''Beavis''': Really? But, I dunno, I'd kinda miss it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This buttmunch sounds like [[w:Dave Mustaine|Dave Mustaine]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. [''imitates Dave Mustaine, growls incomprehensible gibberish'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. What a buttmunch!
:'''Beavis''': Whoa look, he just flipped somebody off!
:'''Butt-head''': He did?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, that's pretty cool cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, not unless we know who he flipped off.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': [''sees a man being crucified''] Maybe he flipped off that dude.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, what is that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think it's like, a gong.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, you hit him in the nads and he goes [''screams''] &quot;AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Why don't they do that? It might help the song out a little bit.

===Carnival Art, &quot;Mr. Blue Veins&quot;===
:[''video opens with an old man holding his breath, turning his face blue'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey hey, is he gonna vomit?  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, VOMIT, VOMIT!  VOMIT!  VOMIT, DAMMIT!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Brian Bell''': When he was six weeks...
:'''Butt-head''': Buttcheeks?
:'''Beavis''': WHERE, WHERE, WHERE?  Buttcheeks?
:'''Butt-head''': They didn't ''show'' buttcheeks, dumbass, he just ''said'' &quot;buttcheeks.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  That's cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Brian Bell''': Mr. Blue Veins...
:'''Butt-head''': Mr. Blue Vein?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Hey, Butt-head.  I have a blue vein.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  Hey, Butt-head.  Hey, Butt-head.  Check it out.
:'''Butt-head''': UGHH!
:'''Beavis''': Come on, hey Butt-head!  Butt-head!  Check it out.
:'''Butt-head''': Put Mr. Blue Vein away, Beavis!

===[[Johnny Cash]], &quot;[[w:Delia Green|Delia's Gone]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, who is this dude?  He looks familiar.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, that's umm, um, uh, what's his name, um, um, ah, ah, [[w:Captain Kangaroo|Captain Kangaroo]]!  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Captain ''what?''
:'''Beavis''': You know, Captain Kangaroo.  You know, [[w:Mr. Green Jeans|Mr. Green Jeans]] and Magic Drawing Board, yeah.  Yeah.  You know.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Um, what kind of music is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...I think this is, like, some kind of gangsta rap. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I bet this dude scores a lot because, like, he wears black. 
:'''Beavis''':  Yeah, yeah.  Plus he's old.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Johnny Cash''': Kind of evil make me want to grab my [[w:submachine gun|submachine]].
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  This is pretty violent. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Enough is enough.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Johnny Cash''': First time I shot her...
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  He shouldn't have shot that chick!  She's pretty hot.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really!
:'''Butt-head''': I would've taken her off his hands.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you know what he should have done?  He should have, like, fired some warning shots up in the air, and that would have just scared her away.  And then, like, and then I could score.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': I guess if a chick has to choose between, like, dying or like, doing it with you...
:'''Beavis''': M hm.
:'''Butt-head''': ...you might actually have a chance of scoring, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah, I know!  I know.  That's why I was suggesting it.  Yeah.

===[[w:David Cassidy|David Cassidy]], &quot;Lyin' To Myself&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um...is this [[w:Richard Marx|Richard Marx]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no.  This is that Keith dude!  From the [[w:The Partridge Family|Family]].
:'''Beavis''': You mean [[w:Danny Bonaduce|Bonaduce]]?
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass.  This is his big brother.  Keith.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  Keith Bonaduce!  Bonaduce.  Bonaduce.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head.  Did you see when Bonaduce fought [[w:Donny Osmond|Donny Osmond]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, that was on [[w:Pay-per-view|Pay-per-view]], Beavis.  We don't get that.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but I saw like, highlights from it later.  It was cool.  Did you see when Bonaduce fought [[w:Geraldo Rivera|Geraldo]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...oh yeah, was that when he like, [[w:Geraldo (TV series)#Brawl|threw a chair at him and broke his nose]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool like, if Mrs. Partridge kicked Geraldo's ass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. And then the winner gets to face Bonaduce in the finals.
:'''Butt-head''': That'd be cool if like, the whole Partridge family kicked Geraldo's ass.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah!  And then like, [[w:Suzanne Crough|Tracy]] could kick him in the nads. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  She could stick her tambourine up his butt.
:'''Beavis''': Or like, [[w:Jeremy Gelbwaks|Chris]] could stick his drumstick up his butt. 
:'''Butt-head''': And then Geraldo would be saying, &quot;That's no fair, there's two Chris's!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! [''imitating [[w:Michael Buffer|Michael Buffer]]''] ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLE?!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!

===[[w:Chavez (band)|Chavez]], &quot;Break Up Your Band&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': That dude looks kinda funny.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Yeah, he kinda was.
:'''Beavis''': What is this, anyways?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…I dunno, some kind of show.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, this is kinda cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah. I mean, it's like, the music is horrible. But it rules!
:'''Beavis''': We should watch this all the time. Yeah, this rules.
:'''Butt-head''': I bet you could score with some of those chicks in the audience by just going up to them and saying, &quot;Hey baby. I'm NOT in the band.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Like, all you'd have to do is say &quot;Yeah, I have nothing to do with these guys. Wanna make out?&quot; That would rule.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, it's like, this [[w:music video|video's]] cool. It's got something for everyone. You know, like, whatever you're into, like, if you're into a dude wiggling his butt around, they've got that.
:'''Beavis''': Ah, no thanks!
:'''Butt-head''': If you're into lions, they've got that.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Or if you're into horrible music, they have that too. Yeah, something for everybody.
:'''Butt-head''': Everybody sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, everybody is stupid!

===[[Cheech &amp; Chong]]===
====&quot;Get Out of My Room&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, is this, is this, um, Cheech &amp; Chong?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Cheech &amp; Schlong.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Buttcheeks &amp; Schlong.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I like these guys 'cause they're stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Remember that album your uncle had with these dudes on it?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.  That was cool.  Remember that one where that guy was gonna go downtown and, like, show his schlong to somebody?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  [''sings in a deep voice''] &quot;I'm gonna go downtown, gonna see my gal, gonna show her my schlong.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, that was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And the guy keeps going, [''deep voice''] &quot;Uh, ''you'' know.  Uh, ''you'' know.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  [''deep voice''] &quot;Uh, ''you'' know.&quot;  Yeah.  &quot;Uh, ''you'' know.&quot;  Uh, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  &quot;Gonna see my gal, uh, ''you'' know.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  That was a good song, I wonder how they think stuff like that up?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  They need to do songs like that again.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whatever happened to that album?
:'''Beavis''': Um...I broke it, remember?  I slammed it against the wall.  It like, shattered.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  That was cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah, I thought it was pretty cool, yeah.

====&quot;I'm Not Home Right Now&quot;====
:[''video opens with [[w:Cheech Marin|Cheech Marin]] walking into his kitchen with a T-shirt and underwear on'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  He's just, like, walking around in his underwear!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, and he's, like, having popcorn for breakfast.  That's pretty cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  You think he has morning wood?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He's got a breakfast burrito. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. [''imitates Mexican accent''] And a [[w:Chimichanga|chimichanga]]!  Chimichanga!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''[[w:Tommy Chong|Tommy Chong]] is surrounded by five women on the beach'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, Butt-head!  How did ''that'' dude get all those chicks?
:'''Butt-head''': 'Cause, dumbass.  His name is Schlong.
:'''Beavis''': Um...oh yeah, yeah, yeah!  Yeah, Cheech &amp; Schlong.  I forgot about that.  You know what?  Cheech should change his name to Buttcheeks, and then it's like, they'd be Buttcheeks &amp; Schlong.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I don't think you'd get chicks with a name like Buttcheeks, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um...oh yeah.  That was my nickname when I was a kid -- Buttcheeks.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.

===Chick, &quot;Malibu&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, Butt-head, a whore!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…what makes you think that's a whore, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I was just, you know, I was just pretending, I guess. I don't know.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…well, if you're gonna do that, why not just pretend, you know, you're doing it with her?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, well I was gonna do that. See, I was gonna pretend she was a whore, and then I was gonna pretend I had some money, and then I was gonna pretend I was doing her, see? That's how it works, see? That's what you call a fantasy, bungwipe. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know what this chick's name is? 
:'''Beavis''': What?
:'''Butt-head''': Her name is Chick. 
:'''Beavis''': No it's not.
:'''Butt-head''': No, I'm serious. I've seen this before. Her name's Chick. That's pretty cool, 'cause you can remember her name, 'cause she's a chick, and her name is Chick. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Maybe I should change my name to &quot;Dude&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, or maybe you could change it to &quot;Dumbass&quot;. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': She's supposed to be like in high school or something? 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I don't know, she looks pretty old.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I think you're not allowed to become a whore until you get older. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…you're still pretending she's a whore, Beavis? I thought you'd be pretending you were doing it by now. 
:'''Beavis''': Well if you would shut up, maybe I would concentrate! Bunghole.

===[[w:Cinderella (band)|Cinderella]], &quot;Somebody Save Me&quot;===
:[''two girls are seen from the back running down a hallway'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt!
:'''Beavis''': [''joining in''] Butt, butt, butt, butt, butt!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think this is gonna be stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Who the hell is this buttmunch?
:'''Butt-head''': Why is this dork here? [''mocking the lead singer's expression''] &quot;''Duuuuuuuhhhhhhh, uhhhhhhhhhh!''&quot;
:'''Beavis''': This is like: &quot;''Behind the scenes at a crappy band recording session!''&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Look at that guy's poodle hair!
:'''Butt-head''': These guys probably, like, went to Super Cuts and said: &quot;''Could you just, like, make it more poofy?''&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah: &quot;''But keep the length! We want it, like, poofy on top, and then long and straight on the sides, yeah. That would look really cool!''&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': So like, did you ask the barber to make your hair poofy too?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! My hair's like this naturally. That's how come I'm cool.
:'''Butt-head''': No wonder you're such a wuss!
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! Chicks like it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': That guy looks like a cheerleader. Yeah, yeah: &quot;''All those years of hard work and practice in the garage, finally pay off when you see the looks on those peoples faces out in the audience!''&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': These dudes are like: &quot;''Look at me, I'm kicking!''&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;''Yeah, yeah, look at me! I'm throwing my guitar around and wiggling my butt, see?! Just like we practiced!''&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;''Yeah, look at me! I'm shaking my hips and kicking just like we did at practice!''&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh, man! Boy I'm glad that's over.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Check it though, they're not stopping.
:'''[[w:Tom Keifer|Tom Keifer]]''': So what do you think, y'think we got a hit with this one?
:'''Butt-head''': [''mockingly''] &quot;''So you think we got a hit? Mwuh wuh buh uhhhh.''&quot;
:[''the two girls return and run towards the band'']
:'''Beavis''': Oh, boy.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhh.
:'''Beavis''': [''mockingly''] Ohhhh, ah ha ha ha ha! Boy, that was funny!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh-oh.
:'''Beavis''': Eh ha ha ha! Ohhhhh, they went to Bon Jovi! [''mock laughter'']

===[[w:Circle Jerks|Circle Jerks]], &quot;I Wanna Destroy You&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': These guys are in a trash truck!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Somebody probably threw 'em away.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, who are these guys?
:'''Beavis''': Um, I think it's the [[w:Village People|Village People]].
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...oh yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Well I'll be hornswoggled and dipped in turds!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This guy keeps saying &quot;I wanna destroy you.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, it's like, um, you know, they got some pretty good lyrics, you know?  Seems like it must be pretty hard to, you know, just come up with stuff like that.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah, but you know, I bet if I was making as much money as these guys probably make, I bet I could do it too.
:'''Beavis''': Um, I don't know, Butt-head.  I don't know, I mean, you're kinda stupid, I don't know.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!  I could come up with stuff like this.
:'''Beavis''': Okay.  Let's see you write a song.  Come on.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...okay. Uh, let's see.  Uh...I wanna hit you.
:'''Beavis''': Um, uh huh.
:'''Butt-head''': Then I wanna ''kick'' you. Then I wanna smack you across the face.
:'''Beavis''': Hmm.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, and then I want some nachos.
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh.
:'''Butt-head''': Baby.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  That's pretty good, Butt-head!  We should start a band!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': That would be cool.

===[[w:CIV|CIV]], &quot;Can't Wait One Minute More&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Alright, [[w:Montel Williams|Montel Williams]]! Maybe they'll have some whores.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Or some sluts!
:'''Beavis''': Or a girlfight. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, or some skank-hos!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah…ah, oh no. It's a video.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…
:'''Beavis''': …yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, see you later Beavis. [''Gets up from couch and walks away'']
:'''Beavis''': Ah, wait wait wait. Wait just a minute. Just check out. Maybe like, &quot;give it a chance?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…okay. [''sits back down''] At least it doesn't look like a video.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, exactly.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…doesn't your mom watch Montel Williams?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, she watches Montel Williams, [[w:The Jerry Springer Show|The Jerry Springer Show]], Jane Whitney…she watches all of them. She's always like, &quot;I should be on one of those shows, Beavis!&quot; [''makes drunken sound'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but like, what would be the topic?
:'''Beavis''': Um…I don't know.
:'''Butt-head''': It would be like, &quot;I'm a slut and my son's a dumbass.&quot; Next on Montel Williams.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that's a good one, Butt-head! That way, we could both be on it. That would rule!
:'''Butt-head''': You dumbass.

===[[w:The Clash|The Clash]], &quot;[[w:Should I Stay or Should I Go|Should I Stay or Should I Go]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, who is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...I think it's [[Jerry Seinfeld|Seinfeld]].
:'''Beavis''': Really?  I didn't know Seinfeld rocked.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, this is like back before he had his [[Seinfeld|show]].  It's like, you know...[[w:Queen Latifah|Queen Latifah]] used to do videos, and now she has [[w:Living Single|a show]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. I like the [[w:Newman (Seinfeld)|fat dude]] on Seinfeld.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I think he replaced the drummer.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Remember that [[w:The Contest|episode]] where they were talking about [[masturbation|choking their chicken]]?
:'''Beavis''':  Oh yeah.  I thought they were talking about ''not'' choking their chicken.
:'''Butt-head''':  Yeah.  I liked that [[w:The Pick|episode]] where you can see [[w:Elaine Benes|Elaine]]'s boobs on the Christmas card.
:'''Beavis''':  Um, no way Butt-head, I couldn't see 'em!
:'''Butt-head''':  Yeah, you could see her boobs.  TV needs more of that.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  They need more stuff like that on TV.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, this would rock if it was, like, just louder.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  LOUD, LOUD!  Why don't you just, like, turn it up?
:'''Butt-head''': If I'm gonna bother messing with the remote, I'll just change the channel.
:'''Beavis''': Um, okay.  Do that, then.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay.  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Color Me Badd|Color Me Badd]], &quot;[[w:I Wanna Sex You Up|I Wanna Sex You Up]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': AAH!  AAAH!
:'''Butt-head''': UGH!
:'''Beavis''': THIS SUCKS!
:'''Butt-head''': THIS SUCKS!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is that group with [[George Michael]], and [[w:Kenny G|Kenny G]], and [[w:Snow (musician)|Snow]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  It's a super-suck-group!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  You think if ''I'' sang like a wuss, I could get some chicks?
:'''Beavis''': Well, you ''look'' like a wuss...
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': ...and you ''talk'' like a wuss...
:'''Butt-head''': I'll kick your ass like a wuss if you don't shut up!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is irritating!  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Comateens|Comateens]], &quot;The Late Mistake&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Oh no.
:'''Beavis''': Oh God. Here we go again with another crappy suck video.
:'''Butt-head''': Here we go again.
:'''Beavis''': This sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': [''Imitating lead singer''] UHUHUHUHUHUHUH!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh God.
:'''Butt-head''': What the hell is the problem with this crap?
:'''Beavis''': This sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': [''Sees a note that says Don't try to follow''] Yeah, I think that's what that note said.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''in time with the song''] Damn it, damn it, son of a bitch. Damn it, damn it, son of a bitch.
:'''Butt-head''': If those were the words, it'd be cool!
:'''Beavis''': I was thinking of writing a song called &quot;Damn it, Son of a bitch!&quot; And it's gonna go something like &quot;Damn it, damn it, son of a bitch/Damn it, damn it, son of a bitch/Son of a BIIIITTTCCCHHHH!/SON OF A BITCH, SON OF A BITTTCCHHH!/Dammit dammit dammit&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': That's pretty cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''The lead singer hides herself in a coffin'']
:'''Butt-head''': She sucks so bad, they locked her in a box. You know who else ought to do a concert inside of a box? [[w:Nelson (band)|Nelson]]. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, [[w:Bon Jovi|Bon Jovi]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Two men are trying to open a coffin'']
:'''Butt-head''': How come those guys have to use a crowbar? Nobody nailed it shut!
:'''Beavis''': They're using [[w:Crowbar (US band)|Crowbar]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. They should get that [[w:Kirk Windstein|big fat dude]] from Crowbar to come into this video and straighten everybody out.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. He'd make them all do push-ups.

===[[w:Compulsion (band)|Compulsion]], &quot;Delivery&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um…water! Wa-ter!
:'''Butt-head''': Yep, there's some water. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I'm getting sick and tired of these [[w:music videos|videos]] where there's like, college dudes, and they're all in the water and, you know, being all smartass…
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, really.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…maybe we should turn the TV off.
:'''Beavis''': Okay, yeah! Let's turn it off. Okay. [''Butt-head turns the TV off; the two sigh in relaxation''] Um…hmm…so um…how's it going?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…pretty good.
:'''Beavis''': So um…so uh…so what did you do today?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I've been sitting here all day, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…oh boy.
:'''Beavis''': Ahh! Okay. So um…you been getting any?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…no.
:'''Beavis''': So um…what's on TV?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I don't know, let's see.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! That's a good idea! [''The video comes back on''] Oh, cool! A video! Ahh, this is great.

===[[w:Coolio|Coolio]], &quot;[[w:Gangsta's Paradise|Gangsta's Paradise]]&quot;===
:'''[[w:Michelle Pfeiffer|Michelle Pfeiffer]]''': You wanna tell me what this is all about?
:'''Butt-head''': You wanna tell me what this is all about?
:'''Beavis''': The reason I brought you here, is I wanna do you.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…oh yeah. This is from [[w:Dangerous Minds (film)|that movie]] where like, you know, that white chick goes into the hood and teaches everybody how to get good grades.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. They always have movies like that where there's this teacher, and there's like all good, and everybody stops being a gangsta and everybody gets good grades and goes to college.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, and it's like, you know, she &quot;makes a difference&quot; or something.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. That's really stupid. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. They should like, make a movie that's, you know, realistic…
:'''Beavis''': Uh-huh.
:'''Butt-head''': …where the teacher sucks, nobody learns anything, and in the end, it's like you be all stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah! That would rule! And then it's like, see, you could have some cars blowing up and stuff, and you could like, show some boobs, and like, a big chase scene, you know…that would rule!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, a while ago when Coolio said &quot;I see myself in the pistol smoke&quot;, he stole that from [[Snoop Dogg|Snoop Doggy Dogg]].

===[[Alice Cooper]], &quot;Lost in America&quot;===
:'''Alice Cooper''': I can't get a girl 'cause I ain't got a car.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, really!
:'''Alice''': I can't get a car 'cause I ain't got a job.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Me neither.
:'''Butt-head''': Me neither. 
:'''Alice''': I can't get a job 'cause I ain't got a car.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.
:'''Butt-head''': Life sucks.
:'''Alice''': So I'm looking for a girl with a job and a car.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Find a girl with a job and a car. That's a good idea.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. This guy's really smart!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's like he figures out what his problems are, and then he figures out what to do with it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Alice''': I can't go to school 'cause I ain't got a gun.
:'''Butt-head''': Preach on, brother Cooper.
:'''Beavis''': Mmhmm, I know that's right.
:'''Alice''': I ain't got a gun 'cause I ain't got a job.
:'''Beavis''': Mmmhmm, I heard that.
:'''Alice''': I ain't got a job 'cause I can't go to school
:'''Butt-head''': That sucks.
:'''Alice''': So I'm looking for a girl with a gun and a job. And a house, with cable.
:'''Butt-head''': He doesn't get cable?
:'''Beavis''': What a dumbass. If you don't have cable, you might as well, um…go to school or something.
:'''Butt-head''': He can't go to school, remember? He doesn't have a job or a girl or a car or cable.
:'''Beavis''': He doesn't have cable? No way. I thought all rock stars had cable and stuff.

===[[w:Corrosion of Conformity|Corrosion of Conformity]], &quot;Clean My Wounds&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': One Adam Five, One Adam Five, we have a wild man in a cemetery, repeat, a wild man in a cemetery!
:'''Butt-head''': Perpetrator was last seen running around like some kind of butt monkey! Please, uhh…apprehend and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': And uh, kick his ass! Yeah, kick him in the nads.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': All these [[w:music videos|videos]] nowadays, it's like, they have this one really weird dude in 'em.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's like, all of them have this one really weird guy running around. Except for this video.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, Beavis, I was talking about this video. They got that dude with the damn tattoo and the bald head.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but he's not that weird. There's dudes like that everywhere.
:'''Butt-head''': I know, and they're all weird.
:'''Beavis''': Oh.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': It's like, everybody knows that, y'know, like, death and, like, the graveyard and all that stuff is pretty cool and everything, but it's like, they need to show it in a new way or something.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really. it's like, y'know, it's pretty cool that they decided to do a video in a graveyard, y'know, with like, a little crazy dude running around, but it's like, I've already seen it.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah! Exactly! It's like, I mean, I don't have all the answers, y'know, it's like I probably couldn't do a better job myself, but y'know, I just gotta say, y'know, frankly, um, uh…it's been done! Heh, heh, Frankly.
:'''Butt-head''': Frank.
:'''Beavis''': Frank? Oh yeah. Frank.

===[[w:Coverdale•Page|Coverdale•Page]], &quot;Pride and Joy&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um...is this [[w:Led Zeppelin|Led Zeppelin]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...I think this is, like, one of those things where, like, they say it's Led Zeppelin, but it only has, like, one of the original dudes in it.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  Yeah, it's like, they always do that.  But you can tell who the original dude is because he's fat, and he's got, like, white hair.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, [[w:David Coverdale|that dude]] has hips like a woman!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That sucks when guys, like, just put out the same stuff over and over again.  [''chuckles''] I said &quot;put out.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  But um, yeah but, but really, that - that sucks when like, when like, guys just repeat themselves.  And just do the same stuff over and over.
:'''Butt-head''': You said &quot;eat themselves.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Um...
:'''Butt-head''': Rep-''eat themselves''.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think this is, like, where they like, show how they made the video.
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, I thought this ''was'' the video.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...no, Beavis!  This is, like, the ''making'' of the video.
:'''Beavis''': Really?  They should just, like, show the video because, like, ''this'' thing sucks!

===[[w:The Cramps|The Cramps]]===
====&quot;[[w:Bikini Girls with Machine Guns|Bikini Girls with Machine Guns]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Is that that guy from [[Cheers]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's that [[w:Sam Malone|Sam Malone]] guy.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This video has [[w:bikini|bikini]] girls and [[w:machine guns|machine guns]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': If only all videos could be like this.

====&quot;[[w:Ultra Twist!|Ultra Twist!]]&quot;====
:'''Narrator''': And now, the twisted Madam Olga will teach you a lesson you'll never forget.
:'''Beavis''': I think this is [[w:Tales From the Crypt|Tales From the Crypt]]! Alright. Sometimes they show boobs.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I don't think so, Beavis. I don't see the Crypt Keeper.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. You know that Crypt Keeper, he's got, like, wrinkled up skin and everything? I always wondered what his nutsack looked like.
:'''Butt-head''': You're a prevert, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Well, you know, it's probably all scary-looking. [''imitating the Crypt Keeper''] Nya-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaa!!! Good evening, boys and ghouls!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis. I'm gonna kick you in the nutsack.
:'''Beavis''': Eheheheheh! Naturally! Here's a little tale from my nutsack!
:'''Butt-head''': That's enough, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, those are like those sunglasses your grandma wears, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, [''imitating an old lady''] &quot;I'm going out to get some medicine and a carton of smokes. Beavis, honey, go get your grandma her sunglasses, okay?&quot; [''coughs'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. And then you're like, &quot;Get 'em yourself, buttmunch!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. Get 'em yourself!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, Butt-head! Butt-head, look at that up there! You can see something, look!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. There's a lot of butt wigglin' and butt snappin' and like, people sticking their butts out.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. This is what we need!
:'''Butt-head''': And then it's like, this guy's goin' around stickin' his butt out goin': &quot;Jam it in and screw i-uuuuuuuuut! Do the ultra twee-uuuusssssst!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Boy, this is some nasty stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': These guys understand the importance of a good butt.

===[[w:Crowbar (American band)|Crowbar]]===
====&quot;All I Had (I Gave)&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! [[w:Kirk Windstein|This dude]] looks like that assistant football coach.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. &quot;''WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!? DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY, BOY!!!! NOOOOOOOOOWWWW!!!!!''&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. &quot;''WHAT KIND OF A MAN ARE YOOOOOUUUUUU?''&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;''YOU LOOK LIKE A BUNCH OF GIRLS OUT THERE!!!! WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO OVER THERE AND SHAKE IT OFF AND GIVE UP RIGHT NOW?!''&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How many fat dudes are there in this band?
:'''Beavis''': Um, uhhhhhhhh, well, there's at least, um, two.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. They need to get a big, fat drummer.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. And like, just a couple big, fat dudes dancing around would be cool too.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': He's having trouble defecating.
:'''Kirk Windstein''': '''''OOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! (OOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!)'''''
:'''Beavis''': Uh, not anymore.
:'''Butt-head''': He just took a dump!

====&quot;Existence Is Punishment&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, it's Crowbar!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  They're always taking a dump.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kirk Windstein''': I gave my heart...
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
:'''Kirk Windstein''': ...and soul to you!
:'''Butt-head''': He said he gave his heart and soul to some chick.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That must have been, like, at least 50 pounds of meat.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This music is slow and fat.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  This is the kind of music you have on a workout tape if you're skinny and you wanna get ''fat!''
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's like, you put this on, then just like, pig out.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And then every now and then, you just go, &quot;I GIVE MY HEART AND SOUL TO YOOOUUU-AHHH!!!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And then you just sit there and get fat.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think this is, like, a love song.
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah.  It is [[w:It's Only Rock 'n Roll (But I Like It)|a love song so divine]].  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a man is shown shouting in the crowd'']
:'''Butt-head''': Did you see that guy?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Really.
:'''Butt-head''': Must be his first concert.
:'''Beavis''': His mom's waiting outside in the stationwagon. 
:'''Butt-head''': She said, &quot;Okay, now what time's the concert gonna be over?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': What a wuss!

===[[w:Julee Cruise|Julee Cruise]], &quot;Rockin' Back Inside My Heart&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Oh no. Is this [[w:Eurythmics|The Eurythmics]]?
:'''Beavis''': [''laughs''] You said, um…you said, uh…eur…uh…you said something…eur…uh, urine?
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis. I said is this The Eurythmics?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I know, but it sounds kinda funny because it sounds like eur…uh, sounds kinda urine-y. There's something there.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Julee is singing from an open trunk'']
:'''Beavis''': Come on, shut the trunk. SHUT IT!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! This reminds me of that part in ''[[Goodfellas]]'' where they have that guy in the trunk. That movie was funny.
:'''Beavis''': Remember that one part where he goes &quot;What do you mean I'm funny? What do you mean? Funny looking, what are you talking about? Funny, what, am I here to amuse you? Am I hear for your entertainment? What are you talking about? No! You said I was funny!&quot; Pretty good, huh?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, then [[w:Ray Liota|that guy]] wussed out. Remember that time you were doing it to McVicker?
:'''Beavis''': That didn't work out to well, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. You wussed out too.

===[[w:The Cult|The Cult]]===
====&quot;[[w:Fire Woman|Fire Woman]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Cult rules!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  These guys kick ass!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool if you could, like, watch this video over and over again.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  You could do that if you had one of those uh, those uh, [[w:Videocassette recorder|CPRs]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Those things are cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Tattoo|Tattoos]] are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I wish ''I'' was born with a tattoo.  That would be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass, you're not born with 'em.  You get 'em when you join the [[Navy]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I'm gonna get one, that would be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  You could have &quot;I'm a wuss&quot; tattooed across your butt.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  I'll kick your ass!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''lead singer [[w:Ian Astbury|Ian Astbury]] is lying on his side with his face over the edge of the stage'']
:'''Beavis''': He's gonna [[w:Vomiting|boot]] on someone!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': He's gonna boot!

====&quot;Lil' Devil&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': YES!
:'''Beavis''': YEAH!  YEAH!  YEAH!
:'''Butt-head''': This rocks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I wish I could rock like this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  They rock!  They ROCK!  They ROCK!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': If I ever get my own car, I think I'm gonna get a truck.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Yeah, a truck with a big engine that goes &quot;AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  And one that's razed up 30 feet above the ground.  Then I'd, like, drive around town crushing stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you could get one with one of those musical horns, and like, when you beep the horn, it goes, [''imitates the [[w:Iron Man (song)|Iron Man]] riff''] &quot;Dun-dun-da-dun-dun!  Dunna-nana-nana-dun-duh-dun-duh!&quot;  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Then like, all the chicks would want to go out with us.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  If they didn't, we'd just like, run over their cars.
:'''Beavis''': YEAH!  YEAH!  YEAH!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Ian Astbury|He]]'s wearing leather pants so you can see his wiener.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.

===[[w:Culture Club|Culture Club]], &quot;[[w:Karma Chameleon|Karma Chameleon]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': This is a very gay tune.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  You mean, like, happy.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, it's [[w:Debbie Gibson|Debbie Gibson]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Boy George''': I'm a man...
:'''Butt-head''': You're a man?  No way!
:'''Beavis''': He's not even a boy.
:'''Butt-head''': He's Boy George.  This video needs some, like, car accidents.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, with lots of [[fire]].  Then it would be [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Is this supposed to be, like, in the [[future]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  The future sucks.  Change it.
:'''Butt-head''': I'm pretty cool, Beavis, but I can't change the future. [''changes channel'']

===[[w:The Cure|The Cure]], &quot;Caterpillar&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, I think I saw these guys at [[w:Chuck E. Cheese's|Chuck E. Cheese's]]
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah! They sucked.
:'''Beavis''': I kept banging on the glass and saying &quot;STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah, then you got your butt kicked.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. That was cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How come [[Robert Smith (musician)|this guy]] won't look at the camera?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, come on! Look at the camera!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! That pisses me off.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! It's like, when you try to get a cat to look at itself in the mirror, and it's like, it won't look at itself, it like, looks up and down and everything, you say LOOK AT YOURSELF! LOOK AT YOURSELF! NOW, NOW! And it's like, it just won't do it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': (Imitating Robert Smith) Peter Piper picked a pickle of peckled peppers! Peter Piper Picked a pickled pecker!
:'''Butt-head''': How come this guy always has to like, sing like, [''wails''] uhuuuhuuuuuuhhhhhh!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': His lipstick's on crooked.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, he didn't do a very good job.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''Wails in imitation again''] Uhuuuhuuuuuuhhhhhh!
:'''Beavis''': If he didn't do that, it's like, he'd be better.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Or like, if he didn't have the makeup and he didn't sing like that, then he'd be pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, he can keep the caterpillars too. That'd be pretty cool.

===[[w:Curve (band)|Curve]], &quot;Missing Link&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  There's like, a bunch of water falling down.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, and some mud!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...yeah.  A chick in the rain.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  And a dog.
:'''Butt-head''': I guess that's pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Water, water, WATER!  WATER!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [[w:Toni Halliday|That chick]] needs a raincoat.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Hey, Beavis.  Do you like, uh...have a [[w:Condom|raincoat]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...when was the last time you used it?
:'''Beavis''': Last night!  On your mom!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis!  [''he and Beavis start fighting'']

==D==
===[[w:Michael Damian|Michael Damian]], &quot;[[w:Rock On (David Essex song)|Rock On]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': What's this a commercial for?
:'''Beavis''': This is that deodorant commercial.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That's 'cause this guy stinks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  And he sucks, too!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Is this dude on some soap opera?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He's on &quot;As the World Sucks.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video should have a warning label.  &quot;Parental Advisory: What you are about to see sucks.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  It sucks!  Let's see if we can find a video that, like, doesn't suck.
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

===[[w:Danger Danger|Danger Danger]], &quot;Naughty Naughty&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit!  If this is [[w:Bon Jovi|Bon Jovi]], I'm gonna-- [''the two see a silhouette of a curvy woman in a window taking her clothes off''] Whoa!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Her back's all bent out of shape!  What's wrong?
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis.  You butthole.  When you see a chick in a window like that...
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': ...and she's got her back bent out of shape, that means she's hot!
:'''Beavis''': I don't know, Butt-head.  I think she was, like, injured.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, whatever it was, it gave ''me'' a stiffy.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  I thought you called the cable company and told 'em to quit playing this crap.
:'''Beavis''': Um, oh yeah, I did, but then like, when the guy answered, I said, &quot;Excuse me, do you have 12-pound balls?&quot;  And then I hung up!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!
:'''Beavis''': It was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:[''Beavis changes the channel'']

===[[w:Danzig|Danzig]]===
====&quot;Cantspeak&quot;====
:[''round, steel balls are shown dropping'']
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Plop&quot;. &quot;Plop&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Plop, plop!&quot; 
:'''Butt-head''': This must be, like, some kind of toilet of the future.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, they use kitty litter.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, I'm a water man, myself.
:'''Beavis''': I like to take a dump in the kitty box sometimes. And then, like, the cat comes and buries it for you.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, this looks pretty cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, &quot;The electrified forcefield has created the perfect being!&quot; In the future, it's like, all turds will be perfectly round.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, and they will go &quot;plop!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, I haven't seen Danzig on TV in awhile.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, he's been hiding out so that I can't find him and kick his ass.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, right! I'd like to see you try to kick Danzig's ass!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. It'd probably be pretty close now, 'cause like, all that sand stuff down there, that's probably like that &quot;pearl formula weight gain&quot; powder stuff. He's tryin' to like, bulk up for a fight!
:'''Butt-head''': You're a butt-monkey, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Eh, I'm gonna kick his ass, yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check out his eyes.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, you want black eyes like that?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, I think it would be cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Okay. [''starts smacking Beavis repeatedly'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Um, heh, one thing about this video though, that's really cool and everything, but then it just ''stops''! Like, just, out of nowhere. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh-[''the video ends'']

====&quot;How the Gods Kill&quot;====
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': YES!
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the song becomes less intense'']
:'''Butt-head''': Oh, man!  This part sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  This song was cool 'til they started getting all wimpy.
:'''Butt-head''': For such a [[w:Glenn Danzig|big, muscular dude]], he sure sings like a wuss.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Rock!  Rock, dude!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the song becomes more intense'']
:'''Beavis''': YES!
:'''Butt-head''': It's about time they stopped being wimpy!

====&quot;Mother&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': These guys are pretty cool, but, this lead singer looks like Patrick Swayze and he like-
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis, these guys are cool!

====&quot;Mother '93&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, doesn't this song have another video?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, this song is so good they had to do it twice.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I heard this dude could bench press, like, 140.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! That's pretty good. Maybe he'll be in the 200 Club someday.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Danzig shakes around while singing'']
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Danzig! I wonder what this guy does, like, when he's not doing this?
:'''Beavis''': I bet he just scores with chicks, and then just, like, fights alot.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I wonder who would win in a fight between Danzig, and uhhhhhhhhh….
:'''Beavis''': Uh, Geraldo?
:'''Butt-head''': No.
:'''Beavis''': Um, eh, Danny Bonaduce?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! Bonaduce would kick ass!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': What's he doing? He was, like, shaking his hips back and forth like a little wussy.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That little dance isn't very cool.

===[[w:Terence Trent D'Arby|Terence Trent D'Arby]], &quot;She Kissed Me&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this that [[w:Madonna (entertainer)|Madonna]] video where she gets naked in front of that little kid?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  [''sees Terence Trent D'Arby''] That's not Madonna.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Terence Trent D'Arby''': But she kissed me, and she put it there.
:'''Butt-head''': She kissed him ''where?''
:'''Beavis''': Down there.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Have you ever had a chick kiss you there?
:'''Beavis''': Where?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...anywhere.
:'''Beavis''': Um...yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Liar.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool if girls just did what you wanted 'em to.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Maybe we could make 'em, like, come over and mow the lawn and do all your chores and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah?  How old are you, Beavis?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video is complicated.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  I mean, I like the boobs and the butts and stuff, but it just seems like it needs some accidents and some blood!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:The Dead Milkmen|The Dead Milkmen]]===
====&quot;Punk Rock Girl&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': This is horrible!
:'''Beavis''': No it's not!  It's not so bad.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Something's wrong with these guys.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  It's like, they're not trying very hard.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And they're making lots of mistakes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I bet I could take [[w:Joe Genaro|this guy]] in a fight.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': I could kick his butt!
:'''Butt-head''': This is the only guy that's ever been in a video that you could kick his ass.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head.  I could kick [[w:Vince Neil|Vince Neil]]'s ass, too.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, Beavis.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': A ''real'' punk rock girl would eat this guy alive.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  She'd spit out his brains!  Yes!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!

====&quot;Smokin' Banana Peels&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': [''scoffs''] Hippies.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Does this suck?
:'''Butt-head''': Beats me.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': What are they doing?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  This is college music.
:'''Butt-head''': This is musical masturbation.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  What do ''you'' listen to when you, uh...you know, uh...
:'''Beavis''': I like to put on &quot;Push the little daisies and make 'em come up!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Okay.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a monkey is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  How come there's so many monkeys in videos?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Dogs are cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  This sucks, huh?
:'''Butt-head''': It sure does, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:Death (band)|Death]], &quot;The Philosopher&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Ugh! Is this a joke?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. I think this is supposed to be funny.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''commenting on a small boy running'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, check it out, it's [[w:Jeremy (song)#Music video|Jeremy]].
:'''Beavis''': He's still running. How come Jeremy's always hanging out in the woods?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I don't know.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''mocking the singer''] YYEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!
:'''Butt-head''': I think I saw this dude in Burger World, once.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. [''screaming''] I'D LIKE TWO TACOS, PLEEEEEEAAAAAAAASSSEEE!!!! AND A SMALL ORDER OF FRIIIIIIIEEEESSSSS!!! TO GOOOOOOOO!!!!!
:'''Butt-head''': That was pretty good, Beavis. You suck almost as much as this dude.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at this guy. Did I mention that this sucks?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but it's like, you know, it can't hurt to say it again.

===[[w:De La Soul|De La Soul]], &quot;Ego Trippin'&quot;===
:'''[[w:Kelvin Mercer|Pos]]''': Now I'm something like a phenomenon…
:'''Beavis''': Phenomenon. Phenomenon, AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! I'm something like a phenomenon.
:'''Butt-head''': It's not very cool when you do it, Beavis.

===[[w:deadmau5|deadmau5]] feat. [[w:Rob Swire|Rob Swire]], &quot;[[w:Ghosts 'n' Stuff|Ghosts 'n' Stuff]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… is that deadmau5?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. He looks like [[Eminem]] without his mouse helmet.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out. deadmau5 is dead. I'll be damned.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… remember that time that kid at school died?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah. Um, who was that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…
:'''Beavis''': Was it Stewart?
:'''Butt-head''': No, Stewart's still alive. We saw him yesterday.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, we did? I um, usually don't notice. I know [[Daria]] killed herself, I remember that.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… she didn't kill herself, she just [[Daria#Esteemsters_.5B1.01.5D|moved away]].
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? Wow. You know, that's kinda surprising. I thought she killed herself.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Remember when they set that grief counselor to talk to us right after, uh… whatever his name was died? 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. He was cool. He let us call him Rick.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, he like turned his chair backwards and rolled up his sleeves. 
:'''Beavis''': You know, he invited me over to his apartment for spaghetti too.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, that's kinda weird. You didn't go, did you?
:'''Beavis''': Um, I don't really remember. Last thing I remember, I got into his van, and um, he gave me some lemonade, and then the next thing I remember, I woke up under a bridge.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… are you just making this up? You never told me about this. 
:'''Beavis''': See, that's exactly what Rick said would happen if I ever told anybody. He would say I made it up, see?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…
:'''Beavis''': He's a smart guy, that Rick.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… okay, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': You know, I think he can see into the future too because he also told me that my butt might hurt for a couple of days. And it did. You see that? Amazing.

===[[w:Deconstruction (band)|Deconstruction]], &quot;L.A. Song&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Well I'll be damned, it's [[w:Dave Navarro|Dave Navarro]].
:'''Butt-head''': Who?
:'''Beavis''': Dave Navarro. See, umh he, uh…he was in [[w:Jane's Addiction|another band]], but then he quit, and now he's in the [[w:Red Hot Chili Peppers|Chili Peppers]] or something.
:'''Butt-head''': How do you know?
:'''Beavis''': I saw it on [[w:MTV News|MTV News]]. [''imitates the theme music''] Pee-pee-pee-pee-pee-pee-pee…you hear it first. Pee-pee-pee-pee-pee-pee-pee!
:'''Butt-head''': You're a dork, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Did you hear it from [[w:Kurt Loder|Kurt Scrotur]]?
:'''Beavis''': No, from [[w:Tabitha Soren|Tabitha Sore-End]]. Get it? Sore end?
:'''Butt-head''': I get it, Beavis. You're a dork. [''Scoffs''] You know the MTV News theme song.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How come the Chili Peppers have new guitar player, like, every couple weeks?
:'''Beavis''': Well, I think what happens, is, um, like they join the band, and then [[w:Flea (musician)|Flea]] is just like kickin' ass, and like dancing and [[W:Anthony Kiedis|Anthony]] is getting all the chicks, and then like the guitar player is like, &quot;Screw this&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': Did you hear that on MTV News? [''imitating MTV News theme music''] Do-do-do-do-do!

===[[w:Rick Dees|Rick Dees]], &quot;Get Nekked&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''about a man in the background with a bathrobe on''] Look at that guy back there.  [''man opens his robe as a upside down woman's legs go by''] WHOA, HE JUST SHOWED HIS NADS!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, if you hadn't been looking at that guy's nads, you might have seen that chick's butt that was upside down at the bottom.
:'''Beavis''': Where was the butt?
:'''Butt-head''': It was right next to her legs.
:'''Beavis''': Really?  Dammit, I always do that!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''about another man with a pin in his cheek with a woman on him''] He has a boner.
:'''Beavis''': Uh, o-oh yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Well.  This sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, this sucks!  Look at that.  That guy, that guy with the pin in cheek, you know, you know, the guy with the boner?  It's like, it's like, he's bored, and he's in the video!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, he's got a face painted on his stomach.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. If I was him, though, I'd paint a butt on my stomach, and then my belly button would be the butthole!  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but you could just, like, you know, show your real butt, and then it would be faster and, like, more realistic.  Dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Um, no, no.  I - I don't think you understand what I'm saying.  I'd paint the butt on my stomach, see--
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you're gonna have about ''four'' buttholes if you don't shut up.
:'''Beavis''': It's not my fault if you don't understand, Butt-head!  Dumbass!  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Def Leppard|Def Leppard]], &quot;[[w:Animal (Def Leppard song)|Animal]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Circuses suck!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Where's the dude with two butts?
:'''Beavis''': Right here next to me.
:'''Butt-head''': Don't make me smack you again.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Have you ever heard that joke about the elephant and the circus?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': There's this dude, and he like, has to clean up all the elephant dung.  And it, like, really sucks.  So this dude says, &quot;Uh, if it sucks, why don't you give up showbusiness?&quot;  And the guy says, &quot;'Cause I like cleaning up elephant dung!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's pretty funny!  That was a good one!
:'''Butt-head''': It's all in how you tell it, dude.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[Spın̈al Tap]] really sucks lately.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They have all new guys.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Pull my finger, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!

===[[w:Del Amitri|Del Amitri]], &quot;Roll To Me&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Oh no. This video freaks me out. It's like, you know, I get all excited when I see the chicks, but then I see these stubby dudes, and it, like…makes my testes retract into my globules.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It gives me a special feeling in my seminefrious tubules.
:'''Beavis''': I wanna do every single girl in this video.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, you wanna do, like, every girl in every video, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': No. Not really.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, name one girl in a video that you wouldn't wanna do.
:'''Beavis''': Let me think…oh, I know. Um, there's that one video, you know, where they're like, &quot;[[w:Been Caught Stealing|Been Caught Stealing]]&quot;, and um…there's that one girl and she's, like, you know, stuffing fruit and stuff down her shirt. I don't wanna do her.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…that's a dude dressed up like a girl, Beavis. That doesn't count.
:'''Beavis''': Oh. Uh, let me think…&quot;[[w:Wilson Phillips|Wilson Phillips]]&quot;…uh, no, yes I'd do her…ah, oh, um…no. Boy, maybe you're right. I just wanna make love to all the women of the world.
:'''Butt-head''': Me too.

===[[w:Rick Derringer|Rick Derringer]] with [[w:Hulk Hogan|Hulk Hogan]], &quot;Real American&quot;===
:'''Rick Derringer''': I am a real American...
:'''Butt-head''': He's a real American.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  He ''fights'' for what is right!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': He ''fights!''  He ''fights!''
:'''Butt-head''': He's, like, a good role model, 'cause he just, like, did whatever it took to get big, like, he took those steroid pills.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, those things you, like, you shove 'em up your butt when have hemorrhoids.
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis, those are [[w:Suppository|depositories]].  These are these pills that make you, like, all big and strong, but then they, like, make your [[w:Testicle|nads]] shrink.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  What's the point?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really.  It's like, you know, I may be only like, above average strength, but it's like, at least I haven't messed around with my nads.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really!

===[[w:Deus (band)|Deus]], &quot;Suds and Soda&quot;===
:[''a violin that sounds like a siren is used throughout the whole song'']
:'''Beavis''': Is that the smoke alarm?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...dammit Beavis, did you burn another burrito?
:'''Beavis''': Um...I don't think so.
:'''Butt-head''': We need to just take the batteries out of that damn thing.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but then what if there's a, ah...never mind.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa. This is freaking me out.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This is weird.
:'''Beavis''': I have a sore throat, Butt-head. [''coughs''] Does it sound scratchy when I talk?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah, sort of.
:'''Beavis''': Really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. You're always like, [''imitates Beavis''] &quot;Yeah, uhuhuhuhuhuhuh.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': I don't sound like that! [''coughs''] I'm just gonna be quiet for a while because my throat hurts.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay. Good.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You sound really stupid most of the time. You're like [''imitates Beavis'']  &quot;Yeah, yeah, it's pretty cool because…[''incoherent gibberish'']&quot; 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head, I don't talk like that! I'm not gonna say anything. I'm just gonna be quiet. Ow! [''coughs''] Ow!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': What's that guy patting his stomach for?
:'''Beavis''': Maybe he's got, like, a hurt rabbit in his shirt, he's, like, going, &quot;As soon as we're done with this video, I'm gonna let you out, then I'll give you a carrot, we're gonna fix your leg…&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': [''interrupting''] Dammit Beavis, now see, that's what I'm talking about, right there. You're going, [''mockingly''] &quot;Yeah, maybe it's that rabbit in his stomach, [''incoherent gibberish'']…&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': What the hell is this dude saying? He's like, saying &quot;Fried egg, fried egg, fried egg,&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Fried…[''coughs'']…fried egg, fried, [''coughs''] fried egg…

===[[Devo]], &quot;[[w:Whip It|Whip It]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, is that [[Ross Perot]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I think that's Ross Perot from a long time ago.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. [''imitating Ross Perot''] Folks, it's simple. When a problem comes along, you must whip it!
:'''Butt-head''': He looks like some sort of bungsnoidial buttsnoid.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''singing along''] Now whip it! / Into shape! / Shape it up! / Get it straight! / Go forward! / Move ahead! / Try to detect it! / It's not too late! [''starts going out of time with the song''] To whip it! / Into shape! / Shape it, uh…[''realizes he is singing out of time'']…go forward…move ahead, try to detect it…
:'''Butt-head''': That sucked, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Well, at least I tried. You just sit there on your ass and make me do all the work.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check out those hats.
:'''Beavis''': Those are cool. You can stack one inside the other and you can have like all different colors, you know? It's like you can wear one one day and another the other day and like put 'em on your head y'know? And they can like protect you from like harmful rays.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you're a damn weirdo.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. I'm not from here, you know.

===The Didjits, &quot;Judge the Hot Fudge&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um, is this Colonel Sanders?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...no, dumbass.  Colonel Sanders has, like, a white jacket, and like, a bucket of chicken.
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh yeah, maybe this is his son.
:'''Butt-head''': This guy fries butt nuggets.
:'''Beavis''': Um, what's a butt nugget?
:'''Butt-head''': Here, I'll show you.  [''is shown grunting'']
:'''Beavis''': Ahh!  No thanks, Butt-head.  I - I'm not that hungry.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': What's the deal with these guys?  It's like, they got these long-haired guys and then they got this guy, like, in a dork outfit.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...I think these guys are just, like, joking or something.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, really?  Oh yeah.  They're just, like, fooling around and stuff, huh?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  This isn't, like, a real video.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, oh yeah.  Well, that's good, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': 'Cause if this was serious, it would suck.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, I ''am'' getting kinda hungry.  Got any more of those, uh, those, what are they, butt nuggets?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay.  Here you go!  [''grunts''] Regular or cool ranch?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Butt nuggets.

===Die Cheerleader, &quot;Pigskin Parade&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Oh no, people on a couch!  Is this &quot;[[w:Friends|Friends]]&quot;?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, no, it's a video.  It's like, whenever they want to show that a band is just, like, you know, a great bunch of guys, they make 'em all crowd onto a couch.
:'''Beavis''': You know, that show &quot;Friends&quot; is stupid!  It's like, they're always saying stupid stuff, and um, it's all intellectual and s - and something.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis, you're supposed to watch that show with the sound down and just check out the chicks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but um, I don't know, even the chicks, like, [[w:Courteney Cox|that one chick]] is way too skinny.  And her face looks like a scarecrow!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah, but her last name is Cox.
:'''Beavis''': You know, I think you're right, Butt-head, I think, um, there have been a lot of videos, you know, like, with um, where uh, the whole band is on a couch.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': You know, Butt-head, um, maybe you should get rid of this couch and, you know, and get us some chairs to go sit in, you know, change of pace.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, King Turd, go out and buy 'em yourself if you don't like this couch!
:'''Beavis''': What did you call me?
:'''Butt-head''': I called you &quot;King Turd.&quot;  'Cause that's what you are.
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, that sounds kinda like a compliment, Butt-head.

===[[w:Digital Underground|Digital Underground]], &quot;[[w:The Humpty Dance|The Humpty Dance]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Humpty kicks ass!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Humpty rules!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Humpty Hump''': My name is Humpty, pronounced with a &quot;umpty&quot;...
:'''Beavis:''' The name is Humpty, pronounced with an &quot;umpty.&quot;
:'''Humpty Hump''': ...and all the rappers in the top ten -- please allow me to bump thee.
:'''Butt-head''': Rappers in the top ten -- please allow me to bump thee.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis.  I heard this guy really doesn't have a nose.  He got in some accident.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head!  That's just a plastic nose.
:'''Butt-head''': I know!  That's because he had plastic surgery!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Humpty Hump''': I like the girls with the boom, I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom...
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! [''he and Beavis laugh uncontrollably'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!

===[[w:Dink (band)|Dink]], &quot;Green Mind&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check out that tornado!
:'''Butt-head''': That's not a tornado, that's that [[w:Tasmanian Devil (Looney Tunes)|Tasmanian Devil]] dude.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, he kicks ass. Did you ever see that time he beat [[w:Bugs Bunny|Bugs Bunny]] upside the head with a shovel?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I like the one where they grab [[w:Elmer Fudd|Elmer Fudd]] by the head, and form through a knothole in a fence, and then beat him in the head over and over again with a shovel.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. That's kinda harsh, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Cartoons are cool.

===[[w:Dinosaur Jr.|Dinosaur Jr.]]===
====&quot;Feel the Pain&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Alright, golf. Yeah, I'm up for this.
:'''Butt-head''': Check this out. [''quiet voice''] He's teeing off…he's using his woody.
:'''Beavis''': [''quiet voice''] He's trying to get a bunghole in one.
:'''Butt-head''': We can see some dork riding a tricycle down the street. He's in the rough.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look a fight! Yeah, yeah, hit him!
:'''Butt-head''': If they had fights in golf, maybe it would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, then maybe I could watch it.
:'''Butt-head''': You watch golf all the time, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Golf is cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check this out. [''quiet voice''] It looks like he's gonna use his nine-iron to smash the big fat dead guy's face in.
:'''Beavis''': [''quiet voice''] That's right, Butt-head. I think what he's planning on doing, is smashing his glasses in, and shoving the nine-iron up his bunghole.
:'''Butt-head''': It looks straight…oh, he's in the water! That'll cost him a stroke.
:'''Beavis''': That's right, Butt-head. Oh, I don't believe it! He's gonna actually try to, it looks like it's gonna go…
:'''Butt-head''': [''raises voice to normal volume''] You can't do it, Beavis. Shut up.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. You weren't that good.
:'''Butt-head''': You're not good at anything.
:'''Beavis''': Check this out. [''quiet voice''] That's right, Butt-head, that's gonna cost him two strokes. He's probably gonna…dammit! Dammit!
:'''Butt-head''': See, Beavis, you can't do it. [''quiet voice''] Beavis is a complete wuss. He's not good at anything. His mom is a slut.

====&quot;I Don't Think So&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, whose trailer is that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…it kinda looks like my Uncle Mike's.
:'''Beavis''': Really? He has all those butterflies and crap on it?
:'''Butt-head''': No, you're thinking of my Grandma's trailer.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Your Grandma's a slut.
:'''Butt-head''': I know. So what?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…is this [[Sesame Street]]?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, that looks like, uh…[[w:Grover|Grover]].
:'''Butt-head''': You probably watch Sesame Street.
:'''Beavis''': No. I used to watch it when I was a kid. And sometimes, when Sesame Street on Ice comes to town, sometimes I go check that out.
:'''Butt-head''': You wussy!
:'''Beavis''': [''sings''] One of these things is not like the other/One of these things just doesn't, uh, belong…

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know [[w:Count Von Count|the guy]] that comes out, and he goes &quot;Twelve chocolate cakes&quot;, and then he, like, falls on his butt, and the cakes spill all over the place? That was pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. That was kinda cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! I've never seen a puppet with hooters like that.
:'''Beavis''': Those are some big boobs.
:'''Butt-head''': They probably have this chick on the show to teach kids the number 2.
:'''Beavis''': I'd say this puppet chick right here is one of the top three muppets that I would do.
:'''Butt-head''': Really? Who else would you do, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Well, [[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]'s kinda hot.
:'''Butt-head''': That fat pig?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! I like 'em with a little meat on their bones.

===[[Dire Straits]], &quot;Walk of Life&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': CROTCH STUFFING!
:'''Beavis''': Let's try that.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, maybe we would get some.
:'''Beavis''': Some what?
:'''Butt-head''': Dude.
:'''Beavis''': Nice organ lick.
:'''Butt-head''': Organ lick?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are hippies.
:'''Beavis''': I hate hippies.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These are like sports bleepers.
:'''Beavis''': Sports suck!
:'''Butt-head''': This is like circus music.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, this sucks!

===[[w:Dog Eat Dog (band)|Dog Eat Dog]], &quot;No Fronts&quot;===
:[''video opens with people snowboarding'']
:'''Butt-head''': ''[[w:Aspen Extreme|Aspen Extreme]]''.
:'''Beavis''': That movie ''sucked!''  I sat through that whole damn sucky movie for two hours, and that chick ''never got naked!''
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's a good thing we snuck into that movie, 'cause if we had to pay, I would have been kicking ass all over the place.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.  How could she not get naked when they say &quot;ass&quot; right in the title?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa.  I didn't know that like, uh, rap dudes ski.
:'''Beavis''': Um, I don't think these are real rap dudes, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  They thought if they, like, went to a ski resort, that they'd be sure that no real rap dudes would find 'em and beat the crap out of 'em.
:'''Beavis''': It's the only place they're safe!  They probably, like, sit around the corner, and like, have their, like, big 40-ouncers of hot chocolate.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  No chicks, no butts.
:'''Beavis''': ''&quot;Get me some marshmallows, biatch!&quot;''  Change the channel, Butt-head.  I've had enough of this.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, I think it's over, though.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhh, good it's over.  [''the song doesn't end''] No, no.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, ''now'' it's over.
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Okay, now it's over.  Ahhhhhhhh!  [''the song continues''] Oh, no!  Dammit!  Come on, change it Butt-head, this song's never gonna end!
:'''Butt-head''': What a bunch of buttmunches!  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Doug E. Fresh|Doug E. Fresh]], &quot;I-ight (Alright)&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': YES!  I-ight!  I-ight!
:'''Butt-head''': That's cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman is shown bouncing her breasts'']
:'''Beavis''': Thingies!  Thingies!
:'''Butt-head''': Rap videos are cool because, like, they don't mess around with a bunch of crap that you don't want to see.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They show, like, bouncing boobs.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Boobs!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': I-ight!
:'''Butt-head''': I-ight!
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': I-ight!
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Isn't &quot;I-ight&quot; what that dude [[w:Gilligan (Gilligan's Island)|Gilligan]] says when that fat dude tells him to do something?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He's like, &quot;I-ight, [[w:The Skipper|Skipper]]!  Here are those coconuts!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Or like, &quot;I-ight!  I brought some of the explosives out of the lagoon!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That Skipper dude is a bunghole.  [''imitating the Skipper''] &quot;Uhhhhh, Gilligan!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He should go, like, &quot;I quit, fat dude.  You can get your own damn coconuts.  I-ight!  I-ight!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Doug E. Fresh clicks his teeth'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Is he spitting?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Doug E. Fresh''': To the Uptown crew, nuff respect, to my man Shock Dog...
:'''Beavis''': What about me?  Yeah.  What about me?  To my man Beavis, nuff respect!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  To my man Butt-head, nuff respect!
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': I-ight!

===[[w:Dr. Dre|Dr. Dre]], &quot;[[w:Keep Their Heads Ringin'|Keep Their Heads Ringin']]&quot;===
:'''Dr. Dre''': Word up, this is Dr. Dre.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, it's Dre! Check it out, it's Dre! Droppin' plates on yo' ass, beotch!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! The D-R-E, out on a robbin' spree. A straight G.
:'''Beavis''': Um, you don't do that very good, Butt-head. It's like this: The D-R-E! A straight G!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, how come I'm white?
:'''Butt-head''': Because your mom's white, dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': You know, my mom used to say it doesn't matter what color your skin is. It's like, what color your skin is on the inside that counts.
:'''Butt-head''': She's a slut.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. She's a cleap slut.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, the Doctor's stealing a plane.
:'''Beavis''': Like, what do you do with a plane once you stole it?.
:'''Butt-head''': I guess you, like, go to the flea market or something.
:'''Beavis''': Oh really? But then, what do you do when someone says &quot;So, where did you get this plane?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': I'd be like &quot;Well, I got it from the airport.&quot; Cause they have a store there.
:'''Beavis''': Ah shut up, Butt-head. Keep that up and I'm gonna put the smackdown on yo' ass, beotch!
:'''Butt-head''': What did you say, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I said &quot;Shut up&quot;. I'm gonna put the smackdown on yo' ass, beotch!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, your mom is a depraved worthless slut.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah.

===[[w:The Dylans|The Dylans]], &quot;Grudge&quot;===
:[''video opens with a [[w:Boombox|boombox]]'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey, maybe they'll break it.  Yeah.  [''a sledgehammer smashes the boombox''] Ooooh!  Yeah!  [''a fist pounds a piece of cake, then a baseball bat knocks over a vase''] Ahhh...uh huh.  W - what?  What's going on?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This song, it's like, it sounds like everything else sounds like right now.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, it's like, there's about a bazillion bands that, like, sound exactly like this right now.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Um, at least they're breaking stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': M hm.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''honey is being poured on fruit''] 
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  They're putting honey on grapes?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  That's cool.  Yeah.  Remember that movie where they buried that guy up to his neck, and then like, put honey him and brought out the ants?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  That was cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  I tried that once, but it's like, it's like, I buried myself up to my neck, and just like, I forgot to get the honey.
:'''Butt-head''': You dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': So it's like, so then I dug myself out, but it's like, I was too lazy to like, you know, do it again.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Remember that time I tried to bury you up to your neck?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but you did it wrong.  The guy in the movie was, like, ''feet'' first.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  Then you got all freaked out and ran up and down the street with your pants around your ankles.
:'''Beavis''': I didn't really run, I just kinda hopped.  It was cool.

==E==
===[[w:Sheena Easton|Sheena Easton]], &quot;[[w:Sugar Walls|Sugar Walls]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Who is this chick?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...I don't know.  She looks like some chick you'd see hanging out in [[w:K-Mart|K-Mart]].
:'''Beavis''': Um, I think I've seen this chick before.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  She did [[w:Prince (musician)|Prince]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh, really?  Well, at least that's ''something.''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, they don't have to keep showing her just 'cause she's singing.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.  Like, move down and show her butt or something.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at this stupid stuff she keeps doing with her face.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  This chick is pretty dumb.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  And she's probably a slut, too.
:'''Beavis''': Why do you think this chick, like, dresses up like a slut?
:'''Butt-head''': Prince makes sure that all his women look like sluts.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  That's one thing I like about him.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He has a vision.
:'''Beavis''': Me too.  Someday, all the girls in the world will come all unto me!  Yeah.  It's gonna be cool.

===[[w:Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes|Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes]], &quot;Kisses Over Babylon&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um, is that [[w:Jesus Christ|Christ]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, what language is he speaking? Uh, I think it's Mexican.
:'''Beavis''': Um, you know Butt-head, you really shouldn't say that, seriously.  Come on.  You know better than that.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, oh yeah.  It's Spanish.
:'''Beavis''': Wow.  So Jesus can speak Spanish? That's uh, that's pretty impressive you know, because it's not easy to learn a second language. Not anybody can do that.
:'''Butt-head''': It is a miracle.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that Christ is something else.  I didn't know he had it in him, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He may look like a bum, but he can do a lot.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''as prisoners try to escape prison''] Wow, they really hate this song.
:'''Butt-head''': These people would rather get shot than listen to him anymore.

===[[w:Elastica|Elastica]], &quot;[[w:Connection (song)|Connection]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': All right, a chick band!  Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''several naked men are sitting around the band'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look at all these naked dudes!  They're just, like, sitting there!  What's going on?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Look, you can see that one dude's nutsack!
:'''Beavis''': Look, a buttcheek!  A schlong!  A nad!
:'''Butt-head''': Those are just hands, Beavis.  That's not his nads, his nutsack, ''or'' his buttcheeks.
:'''Beavis''': I don't know.  You know, you know, this is kind of, like, this is kinda messed up, it's like, they have these dudes there, and it's like, they don't even think of 'em like people.  They're just, like, there, they're like they're these things for these chicks to just, like, look at and, like, get off on, it's like, it's DISGUSTING!  IT MAKES ME MAD!  This band should be, like, ashamed of the way they're treating men, and um, and uh, these men shouldn't have the uh, they should not be in this video!  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, well, if these chicks asked you to get naked and be in their video, would you do it?
:'''Beavis''': Uh, yeah, yeah!  But that's different; see, 'cause then it would be ''me'', see?  And I'd be naked!  That would rule!  Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': How come whenever you see a chick band, they're always like, looking down at their hands when they play?
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe they're looking at their boobs.  Did you ever think of that?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, I guess I would look at my boobs, too.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out.  That drummer dude is surrounded by a bunch of naked dudes.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These chicks must be pretty cool.  They, like, just have a bunch of naked dudes sitting around for them to use whenever they need it.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, it's like, some bands, you know, have like, a bunch of water bottles and stuff around, for when get thirsty, but, like, these chicks like, just keep naked dudes!  That rules!  I mean, you know, for a chick.  You know.  That's pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's a pretty good idea.  You'll probably see a lot more bands doing that now.

===[[w:Carmen Electra|Carmen Electra]], &quot;Everybody Get On Up&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': I'm al''ready'' &quot;[[w:erection|up]].&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Is this a [[advertisement|commercial]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it's a commercial for [[w:MTV|MTV's]] ''[[w:House of Style|House of Butts]]''.
:'''Beavis''': She sings better than Cindy Crawford.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's high noon on ''my'' sundial.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': She said &quot;[[w:ejaculate|cream]].&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Excuse me, Beavis, I have to go [[w:masturbate|spank my monkey]].

===[[w:Electric Sun|Electric Sun]], &quot;The Night The Master Comes&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uh! This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! AAAAHHHH! It's like, it sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': This is horrible.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and it sucks too.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, &quot;sucks&quot; isn't strong enough a word to describe this crap.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like it sucks…a lot.

===[[w:Eleven (band)|Eleven]], &quot;Reach Out&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Is this [[Boy George]]?!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He's all fat now.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! I heard he's like, trying to be manly now, and he's not gonna dress up like a chick anymore.
:'''Butt-head''': He's a turd.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, he's [[w:bisexuality|bisexual]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Um, I know what that means, but just as a test, why don't you tell me what that means?
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you dumbass, you don't know? It means he has two schlongs!
:'''Beavis''': So, like, um…if you had two wieners, how many nads would you have?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I'd guess you'd have, you know, like three or something.
:'''Beavis''': And then, whoa, I just thought of something else! So like, if you have two wieners, you know, if you go to take a leak, you just decide which one you're gonna take a leak out of…or you take a leak out of both of them…you know, sometimes you have a boner! Would you have both of them at the same time?
:'''Butt-head''': You should do stand-up comedy, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh really? Thanks, I think so too.

===[[w:En Vogue|En Vogue]] with [[w:Salt-n-Pepa|Salt-n-Pepa]], &quot;[[w:Whatta Man|Whatta Man]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  These chicks are horny!
:'''Beavis''': YEAH!  YEAH!  How come chicks are only horny like that, like, on TV?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...they have these places where horny chicks are, but it's like, you gotta have a fake ID.
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit.  I've seen this video about a million times!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, me too!  I've watched this video, like, a zillion times, and it's like, she still never takes her clothes off!  I keep, like, waiting for her to get out of that tub or something.  She ''never does!''
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, it's the same video!  If she doesn't get naked the ''first'' time you see it, she's ''never'' gonna get naked.
:'''Beavis''': How do ''you'' know, Butt-head?  You know, she might, like, decide to get crazy or something.  Here it comes.  See?  Stand up, stand up!  STAND UP!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis!  She's not gonna be naked!  It's the same video every time!
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head.  You don't know that.  I th - I think she's gonna be naked.  Yeah!  Yeah, yeah!  Maybe she'll do it ''this'' time!  Yeah, yeah.  Yeah.  Show it!
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': She's got that stuff in her hair.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That stuff's called [[w:Jheri curl|jelly curl]].
:'''Beavis''': Really?
:'''Butt-head''': Buttknocker.
:'''Beavis''': Hey!  Don't call me that, Butt-head!  I'm serious!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay.  Dillhole.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah.  That's better.

===[[w:Entombed (band)|Entombed]], &quot;Wolverine Blues&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Well, I guess I'll go take a leak.
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis! I get to take a leak when the video sucks.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head! I got up first!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but I have to take a dump. That's more important.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head! I was gonna take a dump too, I was just like, you know, embarrassed.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, you snooze, you lose. [''leaves the room'']
:'''Beavis''': Uhh, this sucks. Hey Butt-head…''[turns around and sees Butt-head has left''] Oh. Um…guess I'll go take a leak. [''gets up'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''calling from bathroom''] Beavis, stay on the damn couch! [''Beavis sits down'']
:'''Beavis''': [''hums''] Dun da da dun…da na nun dun…''[calls out''] Hey Butt-head, are you almost done in there?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, just a few more minutes.
:'''Beavis''': Guess I'll go take a leak. [''leaves the room. The sound of a door opening can be heard'']
:'''Butt-head''': UH!
:'''Beavis''': AAHH!!
:'''Butt-head''': WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BEAVIS?!
:'''Beavis''': DAMMIT, Butt-head!!
:'''Butt-head''': NEVER COME INTO THE BATHROOM WHILE I'M TAKING A DUMP!!
:'''Beavis''': WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU'RE NOT TAKING A DUMP!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
:'''Butt-head''': I JUST HAVEN'T STARTED YET, GET OUTTA HERE, BEAVIS!!
:'''Beavis''': YOU'RE JUST HANGING OUT IN HERE!!
:'''Butt-head''': DAMMIT, BEAVIS!! GO BACK AND WATCH THE DAMN video, AND LIKE, SAY STUFF!!

===[[w:Enuff Z'nuff|Enuff Z'nuff]], &quot;Fly High Michelle&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Have a nice day, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': She looks like that [[w:Peter Frampton|Peter Frampton]] chick.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  These chicks aren't as cool as the [[w:Cycle Sluts from Hell|Cycle Sluts]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': And [[w:L7 (band)|L7]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They kick ass.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Are you sure these are chicks?
:'''Butt-head''': They better be.  They're giving me a woodrow.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Me too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Glam rock just isn't what it used to be, Beavis.

===[[w:Maggie Estep|Maggie Estep]], &quot;Hey Baby&quot;===
:'''Maggie Estep''': Hey baby, yo baby, hey baby, yo baby…
:'''Butt-head''': This chick doesn't sing very good.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. She should like, um, just talk or something.
:'''Maggie Estep''': [''Begins talking''] So I'm walking down the street, minding my own business…
:'''Beavis''': Okay. That's better.
:'''Butt-head''': Is she like, telling a joke?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, I think it is. Why don't you shut up so we can hear it?
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis…

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Maggie Estep''': I get all tense and nervous…
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh.
:'''Maggie Estep''': …but I keep walking…
:'''Beavis''': Ah! Uh huh.
:'''Maggie Estep''': …but the guy, he's dogging my every move.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that'd piss me off too.
:'''Maggie Estep''': Hey Miss, he says, don't miss this! [''A man grabs his crotch; Beavis and Butt-head laugh'']
:'''Butt-head''': Now that's a good joke.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, that chick was talking about all this stuff, and then that guy grabs his wiener! I'm gonna have to tell that one to my Uncle Mike.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, he'd get it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, that chick is all over him! Check it out.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it's like, he was minding his own business, trying to grab his wiener…
:'''Beavis''': I heard that.
:'''Butt-head''': …and then she just came up and got in his face!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, he was just trying to grab his wiener, you know!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh huh.
:'''Beavis''': And she &lt;!-- Not quite sure what he said --&gt;just jumped on him! That never happens to me! I grab my wiener all the time. I'm gonna grab my wiener right now.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, do that outside.

===[[w:Ethyl Meatplow|Ethyl Meatplow]], &quot;Devil's Johnson&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Scummy people.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Scummy people are cool.
:'''Butt-head''': ''Slimy'' people.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Slimy people rule.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ethyl Meatplow''': Well now she's smoking on the devil's johnson...
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Did you hear that, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?
:'''Butt-head''': He said &quot;devil's johnson&quot;!
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head, they don't let 'em say that stuff on TV.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, he just said it!
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head, he must've said &quot;[[w:Don Johnson|Don Johnson]].&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ethyl Meatplow''': Now she's smoking on the devil's johnson...
:'''Butt-head''': He said it again!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  YEAH!  I heard it!  He keeps saying it again!
:'''Ethyl Meatplow''': Smoking on the devil's johnson...
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, he said it again!  He keeps saying it again and again!  Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe he's saying &quot;[[w:Magic Johnson|Magic Johnson]].&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I got a magic johnson.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Beavis' magic johnson.  It disappears into his hand.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!

===[[w:The Europeans (band)|The Europeans]], &quot;We Are Animals&quot;===
:[''Beavis and Butt-head scream once the video starts'']
:'''Butt-head''': Oh my God.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, dear Lord!
:'''Butt-head''': This sucks.
:'''Beavis''': AAAH! Good God Almighty!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This sucks more than anything I've ever seen
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, this sucks, like…like lots and lots.
:'''Butt-head''': Let me count the ways in which this sucks. Uh…one?
:'''Beavis''': Two…
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…four?
:'''Beavis''': Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten…thirteen?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…seven? Oh wait, we already counted that one.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but if it happened again, that means it sucks again.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah! Um…eleventeen…
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…what comes after eleventeen again?
:'''Beavis''': Um…thirteen. [''Resumes counting''] Uh…fifteen…

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''Sees two men fighting''] Hit him! Hit him! Pull his hair!
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
:'''Beavis''': Maybe we should like…take some points off because that was pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis! Just because something's cool doesn't mean something else doesn't suck.
:'''Beavis''': What?
:'''Butt-head''': [''yelling''] I SAID JUST BECAUSE SOMETHING'S COOL DOESN'T MEAN SOMETHING ELSE DOESN'T SUCK!!!
:'''Beavis''': Um…what?
:'''Butt-head''': NEVER MIND, BUTTMUNCH!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, why are we watching this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…I dunno.

===[[w:Eve's Plum|Eve's Plum]], &quot;Blue&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': WATER, WATER!  Yeah, yeah!  WATER, WATER!
:'''Butt-head''': So what, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I - I don't know, water's cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hmm.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': This seems pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Ooohh, baby! ''Ye-eah!''
:'''Butt-head''': Ooh, baby!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  [[w:Vitamin C (singer)|This chick]] is hot!
:'''Butt-head''': Chicks are cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This chick's pretty hot, but it's like, she has a tendency to wear too many clothes.
:'''Beavis''': If she would just, like, take that damn turtleneck off, then it's like, ''&quot;Heeeeyyy, baby! yeeaahh!&quot;''
:'''[[w:Vitamin C (singer)|Colleen Fitzpatrick]]''': ...heading my direction...
:'''Beavis''': WHOA!  Whoa, did she say &quot;erection&quot;?!
:'''Butt-head''': I hope so!
:'''Beavis''': I'll say.  ''Errrection!''
:'''Butt-head''': I don't care if ''you'' say it, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Well - well, I think she said it.  Really.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, this video's been on for two minutes, and she's still not naked.
:'''Beavis''': Well, her ''face'' is naked.
:'''Butt-head''': So what, Beavis?  ''Every'' girl's face is naked!
:'''Beavis''': Really?  That'd be cool if, like, they put clothes on their face, but then, like, not on their body.  Yeah.  I'd settle for that.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  I bet chicks would go for that!
:'''Beavis''': Ass naked rules.

===[[w:Extreme (band)|Extreme]], &quot;Hole-Hearted&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, alright!
:'''Beavis''': What?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, alright! This is kinda cool.
:'''Beavis''': Really? Yeah, I guess so.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, you know, it’s kinda groovy. Kinda has a nice little thing, you know? Kinda makes me feel good.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I guess so. I see what you’re saying. It’s kinda…''[hums the melody'']  Yeah, this is really cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, Beavis, I was just kidding. [''laughs''] Dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': I know. Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': You really like this crap.
:'''Beavis''': No I don’t, Butt-head, I was just kidding!
:'''Butt-head''': What a wuss!
:'''Beavis''': Butt-head…stop it! I hate everything about it! I hate this. I hate it! Shut up!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know what'd be cool, is if it just started pouring rain right now.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Or maybe there'd be, like, a sudden hailstorm
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Or a turd storm!
:'''Butt-head''': There's no such thing as a turd storm, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': This is a video, Butt-head! They could have anything they want! And I wanna see a turd storm!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis. And I thought I told you to quit talking about turds all the time.

==F==
===[[w:The Fabulous Thunderbirds|The Fabulous Thunderbirds]], &quot;Wrap It Up&quot;===
:[''video opens with several women in bikinis'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  Whoa!  WHOA!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh huh.
:'''Beavis''': BOOBS AND BUTTS!  Whoa, whoa!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look at ''her!''  Whoa, look at that!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Boy.  If [[w:Kim Wilson|''this'' dude]] here can get these kind of chicks, we might actually be able to score someday.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, we need to start a band.  Today.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.  Whoa, look at ''her!''
:'''Butt-head''': I mean, like, right now.  While we're sitting here on our butts...
:'''Beavis''': BOOBS!
:'''Butt-head''': ...chicks are probably doing it with dudes in bands.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  I'm tired of, like, sitting around and talking about it.  Let's do it!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Just as soon as this video's over.
:'''Beavis''': Uh, oh.  Oh yeah, yeah.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Like, in our band...
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh.
:'''Butt-head''': ...we're gonna, like, sound just like this, and have the chicks and everything...
:'''Beavis''': M hm.
:'''Butt-head''': ...but we'll have cooler cars.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  And then, like, the cars we do have, it's like, they'll blow up.  And they'll have, like, skulls and stuff on 'em.  Ye-eah!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  That'll be cool.

===[[w:Donald Fagen|Donald Fagen]], &quot;Snowbound&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, change it, come on, this sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, let's just cool out for a minute, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Ummmmmmmmmm…….

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head, this video sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, it sucks now, but like, there's something cool later.
:'''Beavis''': Really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, just cool out.
:'''Beavis''': Come on Butt-head, this sucks, what happens?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, it's like it sucks and sucks, and then it's like, it's over. It's really cool.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. I can hardly wait 'til it's over! This is gonna be cool!
:[''They begin to fall asleep'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''slaps Beavis''] Wake up, butthole, you're gonna miss the cool part!
:'''Beavis''': Oh! Oh, thanks! So like, um, is it over yet?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, here it comes! Yes! Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! It's over! Yeah, that was cool!

===[[w:Faith No More|Faith No More]]===
====&quot;Diggin' the Grave&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhhh. I'm tired.
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, you know who these guys are?
:'''Butt-head''': No, and I don't care, either.
:'''Beavis''': This is Faith No More.
:'''Butt-head''': [''sarcastic''] Yeah, right. Faith No More.
:'''Beavis''': No, I'm serious. See, they have a new sound, and a new look.
:'''Butt-head''': They just look and sound like everything else.
:'''Beavis''': I don't know, it kinda rocks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I wanna lay down. Move over!
:'''Beavis''': No way! I'm gonna sit right here and watch this.
:'''Butt-head''': Come on, Beavis, get up!
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head! I always sit here.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I'm gonna give you ten seconds to get up.
:'''Beavis''': I've been sitting here for years, and you've been sitting there, and it's like, why change now?
:'''Butt-head''': Come on, Beavis! Besides, it's like, you always sit too close to me.
:'''Beavis''': No way! If I move over any more, then there's a spring that goes up my bunghole.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, my uncle was over here, and he left a six-foot poop in the toilet, and he didn't flush.
:'''Beavis''': Really? 
:'''Butt-head''': You should check it out.
:'''Beavis''': Is it still there?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Let me go have a look. [''exits. Butt-head lies down on the couch.'']

====&quot;[[w:Easy (Commodores song)#Faith No More cover|Easy]]&quot;====
:'''[[w:Mike Patton|Mike Patton]]''': I know it sounds funny but I just can't stand the pain…
:'''Butt-head''': That doesn't sound funny.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''referring to a man dressed in women's clothing''] That chick's pretty hot.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Ooooaaah. 
:'''Butt-head''': They must have just did it and now she's like, fixing herself up.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, heh heh. After I do it I like to y'know like, comb my hair and then like, y'know, then like, flush the toilet and stuff.
:[''The camera cuts back to them, and Beavis is combing his hair.'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh huh huh! You monkeyspank.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mike Patton''': I'm easy like Sunday morning…
:'''Butt-head''': What's so great about Sunday morning?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Sunday morning sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Afternoon is no picnic either.
:'''Beavis''': You know what really sucks is evening.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. In fact, the whole day sucks. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Every single day sucks.

====&quot;[[w:Epic (Faith No More song)|Epic]]&quot;====
:[''a hand is shown with an eye shooting lightning'']
:'''Butt-head''': I wish ''I'' had an eye in my hand.  That would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  You could, like, reach around doors and look inside at people.
:'''Butt-head''': You said &quot;reach around.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I love the [[w:Red Hot Chili Peppers|Red Hot Chili Peppers]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  They're cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''singer [[w:Mike Patton|Mike Patton]] is seen wearing a shirt that says &quot;MR. BUNGLE&quot;'']
:'''Butt-head''':  Whoa!  Did you see that?  His shirt said &quot;Mr. Bunghole&quot;!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mike Patton''': What is it?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...what is it?
:'''Mike Patton''': What is it?
:'''Butt-head''': What is it?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''rain is pouring down on the band'']
:'''Butt-head''': Rain sucks.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I wish this video had, like, some explosions.  That would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': It ''does'' have some explosions.
:'''Butt-head''': Fairies grant wishes!
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, asswipe!
:[''video ends with a man playing a piano, then walking away from it; the piano then explodes'']

===[[w:Fatima Mansions|Fatima Mansions]], &quot;The Loyaliser&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Well, I guess I'm gonna read a magazine. [''picks up a magazine'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…you don't know how to read, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah I do, I can sorta read. And um, besides, there's like lots of pictures of cleavage in the back. Do you mind if I just read this magazine for a while?
:'''Butt-head''': I don't give a rat's ass what you do, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Ah boy. Yep. This magazine's pretty cool. Whoa, check it out. Wow. Whoa! Something else. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I'm not gonna ask you what you're looking at, Beavis. So quit trying.
:'''Beavis''': Heh. I'll be damned. Whoa, check it out. This is that dude from [[w:The Love Boat|Love Boat]]. Look. He looks all old. It's like, he has a dog. And I think that's his son. That's great. What is this we're watching, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, nothing. Do you have any other magazines?
:'''Beavis''': Ah, no. Just this one.
:'''Butt-head''': Can I read it when you're done?
:'''Beavis''': No. No you can't. This is mine. It's for me. It's for me to read.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis…
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, this guy was working construction, and he had like, this big pole like, shoved through his butt, it came out the other end, and it's like, he's still alive. And he has a gigantic bunghole now.
:'''Butt-head''': Where'd you get that, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I got it in the dentist's office. They're like, just there. They're free, you can just take them.
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, I'm bored. Where is that dentist's office, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': You know where it is, it's over by Maxi-Mart.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. I'm gonna go get a magazine.

===[[w:Filter (band)|Filter]], &quot;[[w:Hey Man, Nice Shot|Hey Man, Nice Shot]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Oh no. Just look at this crap. It's, like, another one of those [[w:music videos|videos]] where you don't even remember it right after you saw it.
:'''Butt-head''': You can't remember any videos right after you saw 'em, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah I can. That's how I know this is one of those videos.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I'm getting tired of seeing all these videos where it's all out of focus and it's all blurry and blobby and a bunch of art crap.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.
:'''Butt-head''': Art sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's all like…you know there's all this stuff, and there's like, all these colours…
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's all, uhh…[''the pair fall asleep'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the instrumentation shifts in dynamics, focusing more on distorted guitars'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh!
:'''Beavis''': Ahh! What was that? Damn it, now it's rocking.
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it. Now all of a sudden, this video has to go and be [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]] right when I'm trying to get some damn sleep.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. If they're gonna rock and kick ass, at least it should happen while we're awake.
:'''Butt-head''': It still has all this blurry crap.
:'''Beavis''': Well, um, at least the music is in focus.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think this is a [[w:Buzz Bin|buzz clip]].
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, I always thought, y'know, like, a buzz clip, like, was where, um…y'know, like, they had something in the um…um…you know, where they, uh…[''the pair resume sleeping'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the video ends'']
:'''Beavis''': [''yells''] HEY MAN NICE SHOT!!!
:'''Butt-head''': [''disorientated''] Uhuhhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh!!

===[[w:The Flaming Lips|The Flaming Lips]]===
====&quot;[[w:She Don't Use Jelly|She Don't Use Jelly]]&quot;====
:'''[[w:Wayne Coyne|Wayne Coyne]]''': She'll make you breakfast/She'll make you toast…
:'''Beavis''': He knows a chick who makes toast? So what?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I can make toast. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh-oh. I think this is college music.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. You can tell because that dude has orange hair. You can also tell it's college music because it's like…they're in a field.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Fields suck!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How come he keeps singing about these people that he knows? Who gives a rat's ass?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. [''sings off-key''] I KNOW A GUY!!! HIS HAIR IS ORANGE!!! HE SUCKS!!

====&quot;Turn It On&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': We oughta try, like, picking up a chick in the laundromat.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, why?
:'''Beavis''': Because, like, you could look at their underwear and say, &quot;So, I bet that underwear was on your butt.&quot; You know what I mean?
:'''Butt-head''': That's pretty cool. Or you could go up to one, and say &quot;So I see you wear underwear. I wear underwear too. Wanna do it?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, that's even better! And then you can say &quot;Since you're already doing a load…&quot;, heh, load…&quot;Since you're doing a load, why don't you do my underwear too?&quot; And then you can, like, pull down your pants, and then you already have your pants off. So you're already halfway there.
:'''Butt-head''': And then your underwear would be in there with her's.
:'''Beavis''': I'm ready for love.

===[[w:John Fogerty|John Fogerty]], &quot;Old Man Down the Road&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey, check it out, that looks like [[w:Jungle Cruise|that Jungle Ride]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  That's so stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': You get in there and there's that guy with that, like, safari hat on and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  When I used to go on that thing, I used to just, like, jump off the boat and just, like, wade around in the water, then like, go off into the bushes and just sit there by myself.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': And then I'd stand up and pull down my pants and go, &quot;Poopapoo!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know what another cool ride to jump off of is?  Is the, uh, [[w:The Haunted Mansion|the Haunted House]].  I used to, like, go in there, and then I'd, like, jump off the car.  And then I'd go over by the witches, and wait 'til the next car comes, and put a broom up my butt and go, &quot;Poopapoo!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, witches don't put brooms up their butt, they put 'em between their legs!
:'''Beavis''': Really?  I wish someone had told me that before I ruptured my sphincter.  I have a splinter in my bunghole the size of a pencil.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...you're just joking, right, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Um...n - uh...oh.  Um, no.

===[[Foo Fighters]], &quot;[[w:I'll Stick Around|I'll Stick Around]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, that's [[Dave Grohl|that dude]] from [[Nirvana (band)|Nirvarna]].
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, Butt-head, I don't think [[Kurt Cobain|that dude]]'s with us anymore.  You shouldn't say that.
:'''Butt-head''': I'm talking about the drummer, dumbass!
:'''Beavis''': Um, I've never seen [[w:William Goldsmith|that drummer]] before in my life!  That's not him.
:'''Butt-head''': No, buttmuch!  I'm talking about the drummer from Nirvarna is playing guitar here.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah!  Oh yeah, you're right.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know um, these are kinda, you know, like nice colors, you know?  They're all orangey and kinda pretty and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, Beavis?  Do you, like, [[w:Homosexuality|swing on that side]] now?
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, do I swing?  No, I haven't...I haven't been to the swings since I was, like, eight years old.  Um...I don't even think we ''have'' a swingset anymore.  What are you talking about?
:'''Butt-head''':  Uh, never mind, Beavis.  Dumbass.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Why are all these dudes dressed up in white?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think it's like, they all drive ice cream trucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that would be [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].  You know, like, if instead of that dorky music the ice cream truck played, if they played this?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And then they take the ice cream and just throw it at you and scream.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  And then you could just, like, drive the ice cream truck across your lawn and just tear ass, and be like &quot;I DON'T OWE YOU ANYTHING, BWAAA!!!&quot; That would rule!

===[[w:Lita Ford|Lita Ford]] with [[w:Ozzy Osbourne|Ozzy Osbourne]], &quot;Close My Eyes Forever&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, it's Ozzy!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah!  Uh...why is he whining?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, w - what's goin' on here?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...
:'''Beavis''': Um...boy.  This isn't very good.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Ozzy shouldn't have done this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, maybe this is Meatloaf.
:'''Beavis''': Um, you know who I think this is, Butt-head?  I think this is the [[w:Indigo Girls|Indigo Girls]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, he's making one of those monster faces.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Monster face and wuss music do not go together.  It's like, he may have scared somebody with that face 20 years ago, but now you just look like some old fart.
:'''Beavis''': Um, oh yeah.  Um, you're being kinda hard on Ozzy, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': [''starts laughing''] I'm being ''what'', Ozzy?
:'''Beavis''': ''Hard'' on Ozzy.  [''gets why Butt-head is laughing''] Oh yeah.

===[[w:Samantha Fox|Samantha Fox]], &quot;[[w:Naughty Girls (Need Love Too)|Naughty Girls (Need Love Too)]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  She's one of those grubby girls.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She wants me.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Me too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Samantha Fox''': Used to be so good and so bad, sex was something I just had...
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  She just had sex?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Why don't they show that?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  She said she just had sex.
:'''Butt-head''': It wasn't with any of ''those'' guys.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': If this video had some explosions, it would be the coolest video ever.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And like, if the music was cool, too.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  And they'd have to have some, like, better singing.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And not those guys.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Then it would rule!  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Frankie Goes to Hollywood|Frankie Goes to Hollywood]], &quot;[[w:Two Tribes|Two Tribes]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': What is ''this?''
:'''Butt-head''': This is crap.  Art sucks.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Hey, that's [[Konstantin Chernenko|that guy from that country in the news]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's him.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video needs more blood.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is that [[w:Ronald Reagan|the President]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is like the ending of that ''[[w:Rocky IV|Rocky 4]]'' movie.
:'''Beavis''': No way, asswipe!  That doesn't look like [[w:Mr. T|Mr. T]]!
:'''Butt-head''': No, dude!  You're thinking of ''[[w:Rocky III|Rocky 3]]''.
:'''Beavis''': No, Mr. T was in ''Rocky 4''!
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass!  ''Rocky 4'' was where he kicked ass on [[w:Ivan Drago|that dude]] from [[w:Soviet Union|that country]].
:'''Beavis''': No, dude, that was ''[[w:Rocky II|Rocky 2]]''!
:'''Butt-head''': Which is the one where he takes a knife and kills all those dudes?  That was cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That was, uhh, ''Rocky 6''.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  ''Rocky 6'' was the best one.
:'''Beavis''': Have you seen that movie ''[[w:Rocky V|Rocky V]]''?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's not as cool as ''Rocky 5'', though.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This video has a message.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  The message is, &quot;Change it.&quot;

==G==
===[[w:Georgia Satellites|Georgia Satellites]], &quot;Keep Your Hands to Yourself&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': YES!  YES!
:'''Butt-head''': These guys ''rule''!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  [''imitating lead singer Dan Baird''] Got no loving, no kissing!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That's, like, pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That lead singer?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': He's cool.  He looks like my cousin.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Which one?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, you know.  [[w:Dickhead|Richard Head]]?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This guy's teeth are cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It runs in the family.  We all have cool teeth.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This guy's cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  He's cool.

===[[w:Gerardo Mejía|Gerardo]], &quot;[[w:Rico Suave (song)|Rico Suave]]&quot;===
:[''both imitate Gerardo'']
:'''Butt-head''': Rrrico!  Suave!
:'''Beavis''': Rrrrrico!  Suave!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman in a tight dress is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gerardo''': Seguro que han oído que yo soy educado...
:'''Butt-head''': Rentara burritos, uh, tacos... [''speaks Spanish gibberish'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Guacamole!
:'''Butt-head''': That was cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gerardo''': You got to know how to deal with a woman that won't let go, the price you pay for being a [[w:Gigolo|gigolo]].
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  What's a gigolo?
:'''Butt-head''': That's, like, one of those really fat dudes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Change it.  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Debbie Gibson|Debbie Gibson]], &quot;[[w:Out of the Blue (Debbie Gibson song)|Out of the Blue]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [''laughing''] Check ''this'' out!
:'''Beavis''': [[w:Olivia Newton-John|Olivia Newton-John]] sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': That's not Olivia Neuter-John.  That's that [[w:Kelly Taylor (90210)|rich chick]] from ''[[Beverly Hills, 90210|90...2...uh, 6, 1]]''.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  [[w:List of Beverly Hills, 90210 characters#Donna Martin|Donna]].
:'''Butt-head''': That's not Donna!  Donna's the [[w:Slut|slut]].  This is [[w:Kelly Taylor (90210)|Kelly]].
:'''Beavis''': No way, dude!  Donna's not a slut.  She's the virgin, ''Kelly's'' the slut.
:'''Butt-head''': Does she look like a slut to ''you'', Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's why it's Donna!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but you just said Donna's not a slut.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  That must be Kelly.

===[[w:Girlschool|Girlschool]], &quot;Play Dirty&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um...is this [[Alice Cooper]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...this is a chick, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Hm.
:'''Butt-head''': This is an all-chick band.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  You couldn't put Alice Cooper in an all-chick band anyways, 'cause like, all the chicks would just, like, be all over him.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It'd be the same way if I was in an all-girl band.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Or - or like me, or something, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman is sparring with someone in a boxing ring'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  That chick can punch!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think that was a dude, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head, that's a chick!  It's one of those...one of those girl boxers.  That's cool, they can kick ass.  They get in the ring and bitchslap each other.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, that's not a chick, that's a dude!
:'''Beavis''': No it's not!  You said it's an all-girl band.  It's like, an all girl-band, they get a chick boxer.  [''the boxer is punched to the ground''] Whoa, look at the nads on that chick!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, chicks don't have nads. How many times to I have to tell you that?
:'''Beavis''': I know that, Butt-head!  I just thought maybe, like, you know, maybe they put 'em on, you know, 'cause she's fighting.  Like, clip-on nads?
:'''Butt-head''': You're a damn weirdo, Beavis.  And you're stupid, too.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up!
:'''Butt-head''': And chicks don't like you.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  Some chicks like me.

===[[w:The Go-Go's|The Go-Go's]], &quot;The Whole World Lost It's Head&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''Sees a woman's bare feet dangling over a road''] AAH! No! Don't stub your toe! That scares me, Butt-head. It's like, you're hanging your feet off the end of the car, and then, [''shows feet agian''] AAH! There it is again! 
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': That's dangerous! It's like, she's letting her feet hang down, and like, it's gonna accidentally hit the asphalt, and then it's like &quot;Ow!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': So what, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': It's like…I want their feet to look nice, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Really?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, I like it when chicks have nice feet, y'know. [''Sees feet again''] KEEP YOUR FEET UP, COME ON! Then you can like…put your hands on 'em.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…okay, Beavis. I think you oughta just shut up.
:'''Beavis''': [''Sees feet again''] FEET! FEET! OW!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Dammit, it's like…they keep showing naked feet and hands, and it's like…they need to show the rest.
:'''Butt-head''': You have to wait, Beavis. They like to, you know…show a little bit at a time. 
:'''Beavis''': Okay, okay, I can wait. [''sings along''] Has the whole world lost its head…''[Sees feet again''] AAH, NO! YOU'RE GONNA STUB YOUR TOE! DAMMIT, I WANNA SEE A BOOB NOW!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, shut up!

===[[w:Godspeed (band)|Godspeed]], &quot;Houston St.&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, this looks like that Cops show.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really, it's like [''imitates static''] KSSHH!! One Adam Five, One Adam Five, we have a female caucasian chick standing in the road acting like a dumb ass. We're going to need back up, come on.
:'''Butt-head''': Ah, Roger, One Adam Five. Strip her down naked and bring her to me.
:'''Beavis''': That's a 10-4, good buddy. [''speaks incomprehensible gibberish''] Come on.
:'''Butt-head''': That's pretty cool, Beavis. You could be a cop.
:'''Beavis''': I think it's like, in my blood because I heard my dad was, like, in the navy or something.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This is, like, one of those dudes that's like really intense all the time, like, he wears earrings and stuff, and like, sometimes he's pretty cool, but sometimes you just like, go, &quot;Settle down, dammit!&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Guys like this, like, they always come into Burger World telling you why meat's bad for you, and stuff. But it's like, I always tell 'em, &quot;If meat's bad for you, then how come it's food?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. See, that's a good point.
:'''Butt-head''': Then I tell 'em to get the hell out of my restaurant.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This looks like [[Al Pacino|that dude]] from, uhhh, from that movie, [[w:Scent of a Woman|Smell of a Woman]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': You know, he was, like, blind and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and he's like, &quot;Hoowah! Hoowah! Hoowah!&quot; He's a good actor.

===[[w:Golden Earring|Golden Earring]], &quot;[[w:Twilight Zone (Golden Earring song)|Twilight Zone]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out.  They punch the guy, then they bring in the dancing chicks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Interrogation is cool.
:'''Beavis''': I didn't know you knew any big words.
:'''Butt-head''': I do when the words are cool.  Like &quot;diarrhea.&quot;  And &quot;[[w:Asphyxia|assphyxiation]].&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And &quot;[[w:Seminiferous tubule|seminefrious tubules]].&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That was pretty cool, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:Goo Goo Dolls|Goo Goo Dolls]], &quot;Only One&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': So if you were on a desert island, and you could only bring three things, what would you bring?
:'''Beavis''': Well, let me think.  I'd bring some crackers, so I'd have something to eat. And then I'd bring a swimsuit, so I could go swimming. And I'd bring some [[w:Cheez Whiz|Cheez Whiz]] to put on the crackers.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': So what would you bring, Butt-head? You know, if you were on a desert island?
:'''Butt-head''': I'd bring three chicks. Then I'd have a [[w:Ménage à trois|massage-a-thra]].
:'''Beavis''': You know, I wanna do mine over again. I wanna bring three chicks too.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you can't do it over again, you already blew it. I'll be scoring with three chicks while you'll be eating crackers and choking your chicken.
:'''Beavis''': No way, really? Dammit!

===[[w:The Goops|The Goops]], &quot;Booze Cabana&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look at that shoe! Look, high heels!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That must mean there's a chick.
:'''Beavis''': Or [[w:Todd Rundgren|Todd Rundgren]].
:'''Butt-head''': Who?
:'''Beavis''': Todd Rundgren.
:'''Butt-head''': Who the hell is he, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': You don't know who Todd Rundgren is?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no. And you don't either.
:'''Beavis''': Um…oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…he's drinking.
:'''Beavis''': I can hardly wait 'till I get older and like, get a job and stuff so I can drink.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I plan on doing some smoking too.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, that's that street where [[Madonna (entertainer)|Madonna]] wanted to have her baby.
:'''Beavis''': So what?
:'''Butt-head''': Well, then you think of something to say, bunghole! At least I'm trying.
:'''Beavis''': Okay, I will think of something to say. Schlong. Poop. Anything's better than that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman grows to an enormous size'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Check it out!
:'''Beavis''': She must have been drinking milk, because she's getting bigger, see?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. And her boobs got bigger too.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, hey, that just gave me an idea! You know what would be cool, is if they could make me big, then shrink me again, but keep my wiener the same size! That would rule, because then I'd have this gigantic schlong!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah. But, like, if they could really do that, then you could just have them just make your wiener bigger.
:'''Beavis''': No no, Butt-head. I'm saying they make me bigger, see then because my wiener would get bigger, then shrink me, and keep my wiener the same size.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis! What are you talking about? Who are &quot;they?&quot; And who cares anyway? Just shut up!
:'''Beavis''': Well…I thought it was a pretty good idea.

===[[w:Amy Grant|Amy Grant]], &quot;[[w:Baby Baby (Amy Grant song)|Baby Baby]]&quot;===
:[''the two laugh'']
:'''Butt-head''': Look at ''this!''  What a bunch of crap!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this a [[w:Clearasil|Clearasil]] commercial?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': This is stupid!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And it sucks, too.

===[[w:Grant Lee Buffalo|Grant Lee Buffalo]], &quot;Mockingbirds&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this another video with big [[w:The Muppets|Muppets]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Yeah, here we go. Seems like they have these, like, big bird things in every video now.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': I was just thinking, you know, you ever notice, um…[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]? He never poops.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, they should have him poop. Then it'd be more realistic.
:'''Butt-head''': [''laughs''] Then Big Bird could have a big turd.
:'''Beavis''': [''laughs''] Oh yeah, that's pretty good, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': I'm pretty funny.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, if I was a big bird, I'd fly around in the sky and stuff, and then, like, fly over people and poop on their lunch. I'd be like [''imitates dive-bomber''] &quot;Nyaaaaaaaaanyaaaaa-poop!-nyaaaaaaaanyaaaaa-poop!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that would rule. Actually, y'know I probably could do that without being a bird. It's like, I could go into the cafeteria, and just like stand up on the table, y'know, and pull down my pants and like, go around while people are eating their lunch and just go &quot;Poop!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, settle down, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': And run over there and go &quot;Poop!&quot; A little &quot;Poop!&quot; over there.
:'''Butt-head''': That's enough.
:'''Beavis''': It's chicken-fried steak! Poop!

===[[w:The Grays (band)|The Grays]], &quot;Very Best Years&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…this is kinda irritating.
:'''Beavis''': Hehe, yeah. I bet this is one of those songs that, like, it sucks right now, but then later on it starts rocking.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, how do you know?
:'''Beavis''': Cause, that one guy's got a goatee.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, oh. Well, let's see. [''the chorus starts, but it doesn't start rocking''] Uuuuhhhh!!! Is that what you're talking about, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': What's going on?
:'''Butt-head''': What the hell is going on here?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, what…what is this??
:'''Butt-head''': [''imitates an arpeggio in the song''] Dududududududuh-daaaaaaaaahhh!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is like that [[w:easy listening|easy listening]] stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. How come they call that easy listening, when it's like, it's really hard to listen to? It makes me sick!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, you promised that this would start rocking!
:'''Beavis''': I didn't promise, Butt-head, I said ''maybe'' it would start rocking!
:'''Butt-head''': Well, maybe I'm gonna smack you upside the head, dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Well, I'm gonna kick your ass, I promise. Butthole.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the chorus starts again'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''[sings in imitation again''] Uhh…dududududududuh-daaaahhh!!! How come these guys suck so much?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. They dress up like they're gonna rock, but then they just suck!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. These guys are like a cross between [[w:Stone Temple Pilots|Stone Temple Pilots]] and…
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and my nads…
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Nelson (band)|Nelson]], and…
:'''Beavis''': And my butt…
:'''Butt-head''': [[Billy Joel]], and like, uhh…
:'''Beavis''': And some turds…
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Eddie Rabbitt|Eddie Rabbitt]]…

===[[Green Day]]===
====&quot;[[w:Basket Case (song)|Basket Case]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': This looks like that movie, [[w:One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (film)|One Flew In the Cuckoo's Nest]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, where they got [[w:Danny DeVito|those guys]] from [[w:Taxi (TV series)|Taxi]], only they're retarded.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, you know, I heard you're not supposed to call them retarded. You're supposed to call them…uhh, mentally superior or something.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Remember that [[w:Chief Bromden|big Indian dude]] in that movie? 
:'''Butt-head''': Mm-hm.
:'''Beavis''': He was cool. And then he couldn't talk unless he was talking about gum.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think you're not supposed to call them Indian either.
:'''Beavis''': No way, really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. You're supposed to call them African American.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This reminds me of that joke, where the guy goes to the psychiatrist's office, and he goes &quot;Doctor, my wife thinks she's a chicken&quot;. And then the doctor says &quot;Then why don't you choke her?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. [''imitates chicken''] Bawk-ba-bawk!

====&quot;[[w:Longview (song)|Longview]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, he's watching TV.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! And it's like, we're watching TV, so it's like, we're watching two TVs for the price of one.
:'''Beavis''': Um … what two TVs? I don't understand.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, we're watching TV, and then there's another TV in the TV.
:'''Beavis''': Oh. There's like a TV inside the TV? Let's break it open and find it! Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, Beavis. You're stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Well, well…okay.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at his mouth.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. It's all encrustulated with grobiels of feces.
:'''Butt-head''': See what I mean, Beavis? You got like, some problem of something.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah well, your, uh… your mom, you uh, your mom … yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh, look at the monkey! You know what they should do? They should like, break that couch. They should like, just rip it up. Like, break it.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh … yeah. 
:[''[Billie Joe Armstrong]] begins stabbing the couch]
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, like that! 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! BREAK IT! RIP IT! 
:'''Butt-head''': Break it!
:'''Beavis''': YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': GET IN THERE
:'''Butt-head''': Kick it! Kick the couch!
:'''Beavis''': YEAH, YEAH, YEAH! No, no no, don't stop!
:'''Butt-head''': Don't stop!
:'''Beavis''': Don't stop, dammit!
:'''Butt-head''': Quitters never win!

===[[w:Greta (band)|Greta]]===
====&quot;Fathom&quot;====
:[''various images flash rapidly on the screen'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, is this [[w:Faces of Death|Faces of Death 3]]?!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, no, it's just a video. Butthole.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, how come this guy's wearing a dress?
:'''Butt-head''': Because he's doing his laundry, dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, really?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! '''BUT''' '''''MMMEEEEEEEEEEEE-AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!''''' Yeah, yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': That sucked, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head, it was cool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, a toilet! Cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Toilets are cool. They figured, like, since this song was getting wimpy right there, they'd like, just, throw a toilet out.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! I think it helped. I-I wonder if there's a turd inside it?
:'''Butt-head''': That's a good question, Beavis. I wondered that myself.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''one of the band members jumps around and falls over'']
:'''Butt-head''': That guy fell over.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! He's gonna get kicked out of the band.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That dude in the dress doesn't put up with that crap.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. &quot;You stand up straight, play your guitar, and '''SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!!!!!'''&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''images of explosions and car crashes are shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, whoa, look, look! Eeh, yeah, yeah, car accidents! Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': That was cool! Uh…
:'''Beavis''': Uh, laundry! Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!

====&quot;Is It What You Wanted&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Hey, who is this?!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, this is Greta. And this time, he's gone too far!
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look at that wiener!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! Greta's got quite a unit on him!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! [''laughing''] He probably has to wear a dress, 'cause like, he can't fit his unit inside a normal pair of pants! It's like, he tries to put his pants on, and it just goes &quot;Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know one cool thing about having a big wiener, it's like, it's like, it protects your nads, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…
:'''Beavis''': It's like, it acts as a shield.
:'''Butt-head''': I guess. But getting kicked in the wiener is no picnic either, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but it doesn't hurt as bad, Butt-head. Trust me. Here, I'll demonstrate.
:[''Beavis kicks Butt-head in the groin, causing Butt-head to cry out in pain'']
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I'm gonna kick your ass!
:'''Beavis''': Oh, I forgot! You have a small wiener!
:'''Butt-head''': Ugh [''coughs''].
:'''Beavis''': You don't have any &quot;nad protection&quot;! Yeah, that was cool!
:'''Butt-head''': [''coughing''] Beavis, as soon as my nads feel better, I'm gonna beat the living crap out of you. Buttknocker!
:'''Beavis''': Butt-head. I'm gonna kick you in the nads again! Don't call me that!
:'''Butt-head''': You wussy….

===[[w:Grim Reaper (band)|Grim Reaper]]===
====&quot;Fear No Evil&quot;====
:[''both are laughing'']
:'''Beavis''': It's ''this'' again.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Check it out.
:'''Beavis''': Oh wow, it's Grim Reaper again. Whoa, look at that big boat.
:'''Butt-head''': These [[w:music videos|videos]] are funny.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': These guys should be on that show [[w:The State (TV series)|The State]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Because they suck.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the band members are using a giant battering ram to break down a door'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, what is that thing?
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, these guys suck so bad, they have to go to their concerts in these armoured vehicles.
:'''Beavis''': You know, that singer, um, he looks a little better in this video, it's like, he doesn't look as ugly as, uh…never mind.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's too bad he's not good looking like me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''commenting on a wolfman with huge claws'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…I think that's supposed to be [[w:Wolverine (comics)|Wolverine]].
:'''Beavis''': That's not Wolverine. No, that's not Wolverine.
:'''Butt-head''': I know, but like, you know, in England they probably, like, draw him different, because they're dumb.
:'''Beavis''': No. That's not Wolverine.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah it is, but he's just like, you know, a little different than the American Wolverine.
:'''Beavis''': That is ''not'' Wolverine, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, okay, buttmunch, it's not Wolverine! Who cares? Now just shut the hell up so at least I can have a good time watching this crap!
:'''Beavis''': Well, how can you have a good time, if it's not really Wolverine, and you think it is…
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, shut up!

====&quot;Rock You to Hell&quot;====
:[''laughter can be heard'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''without emotion''] Ha ha ha ha ha.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Ha ha ha ha ha. [''sees the band''] AAAHHH!! OH NO, IS THIS GRIM REAPER?! OH, GOD! OH, DAMMIT!
:[''the lead singer rises up from laying down'']
:'''Butt-head''': UH!
:'''Beavis''': AAH!  What was that?  Was that a [[w:Bulldog|bulldog]]?
:'''Butt-head''': I think it was a [[w:Shih Tzu|Shih Tzu]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. [''Cornholio accent''] Shih Tzu!  Sha-hih Tzu!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, maybe if they put more suck bands in prison...
:[''the lead singer is shown again'']
:'''Beavis:''': AAH!
:'''Butt-head''': ...people would like, you know, try to stay out of prison.
:'''Beavis''': Maybe it - maybe it would have, um, uh...uh, a - a positive, eh, um, effect on some, uh, generations of - of the youth.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, quit trying to sound smart.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Um...actually, um, I think they all should just get the chair!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Including Grim Reaper.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': He's got a fat little face.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He's got, like, that really bloated face look like you get when you eat too many of those [[w:Urinal deodorizer block|urinal mints]].
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...what are you talking about, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': You know, you know, those little round things in urinals, you know, that they put there, you know, so you can, you know, like, freshen up after you take a leak.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you're not supposed to eat those!
:'''Beavis''': Oh, oh yeah.  Yeah.  I knew that.  Yeah, I was just kidding.
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass!

====&quot;See You in Hell&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Is this [[Spın̈al Tap]]?
:'''Beavis''': Tap is cool!
:'''Butt-head''': This isn't Spın̈al Tap! This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, this sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': Where'd these guys get their [[clothes]]?
:'''Beavis''': They [[bought]] it at that [[w:rock and roll|rock and roll]] store at the mall.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I [[think]] these guys played at the state fair last year?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. They won a blue ribbon in the ''[[pig]]'' contest.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Because he's ''[[w:overweight|fat]]''!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Aaahhh! Shut up! Shut up!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Shut up!
:'''Beavis''': You suck!
:'''Butt-head''': Stop in the name of all that which does not suck!

===[[w:Gruntruck|Gruntruck]], &quot;Crazy Love&quot;===
:[''video opens with a woman in body paint, with the American flag painted on her face'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That chick is naked!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': She has the flag on her face.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] for which it stands, invisible--
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!  We're missing this video!  And it doesn't even suck.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': This kicks butt!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That drummer has lights coming out of his butt.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Lights are cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Especially when they come out of your butt.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys must be, like, hallucinating.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Like back in the '60s, when you like, see stuff that you don't believe.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I must be hallucinating ''now.''  I can't believe they're playing something cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''crab, dinosaur, and robot toys are shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Toys are cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': These guys rock!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  They rock!

===[[GWAR]]===
====&quot;Jack the World&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': This is what it's all about.
:'''Beavis''': It's like, you watch all these [[w:music video|videos]], you watch TV, everything sucks, and then something like this comes on, and it's like, it's cool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': It's like, you have to watch TV for hours and hours and hours before you see this video, but it's like, when you do it's all worth it.
:'''Butt-head''': It sure is. You know what they should do? They should, like, tell you what time the video's like in TV Guide or something.
:'''Beavis''': That would be cool. But then it's like, you'd still have to like, watch for hours and hours and hours until it came on.
:'''Butt-head''': No you wouldn't, Beavis! It's like, if they say it's gonna be on like, at eleven o'clock or something, then like, you know when it's gonna be on.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but like, if it's like, six o'clock, then it's like, you have to keep watching it, because it's not on.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…oh yeah. Well, at least you what time it's on, though.
:'''Beavis''': So, how do you know what time it is?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I dunno. I guess you'd have to keep watching until the video came on. Then it's like, you'd know what time it is.

====&quot;The Road Behind&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': All right!  GWAR!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  GWAR is cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': GWAR, GWAR, GWAR!  GWAR, GWAR, GWAR!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': GWAR kicks ass!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': GWAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!

====&quot;Saddam a Go-Go&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Yes, yes, GWAAAARRRR! Yeah, alright!
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Cool (aesthetic)|Cool]]!
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, GWAR has [[w:horn (instrument)|horns]] now?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, they taught the sex slaves to play horns. It's, like, [[w:Balsac the Jaws of Death|Balsac]] told 'em: &quot;Throwing [[blood]] and [[w:urine|urine]] in the audience isn't enough. You guys need to learn how to play something.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I heard that one time, this kid had, like, a [[w:seizure|seizure]] at a [[GWAR]] concert, and that singer dude told everybody not to [[help]] him.
:'''Beavis''': Really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Uh oh, it's happening…[''convulses as if he were having a seizure'']
:'''Butt-head''': I'm not gonna help you. [[w:Oderus Urungus|Oderus Urungus]] would want it that way.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. [[Thanks]], Butt-head.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out. [''sings along''] He [[died]] and he died and he died and he died and he died and he died and he died and he died and he died and he died…[''Butt-head smacks him''] Whaahh!! Oh, thanks, Butt-head. I was stuck.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Uh…whoa, [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]]! Look at that giant [[worm]] thing, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': It's like that worm eats really hot chicks, and then it, like, takes a dump.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Now that's a ''damn'' [[good]] show right there. [''mock-Arabic accent''] Yeah, yeah, yeah, they shall drown in their own [[blood]]!
:'''Butt-head''': [''also imitating an Arabic accent''] The streets will flow with the blood of the nonbelievers.
:'''Beavis''': The mother of all [[wars]] has begun!

==H==
===[[w:Nina Hagen|Nina Hagen]], &quot;Herman Was His Name&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, that's a big-ass skull, Beavis-- I mean, Butt-head.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Who is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...is this that [[w:LaToya Jackson|Toyota Jackson]] chick?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like...it's like, it's Toyota Jackson dressed up like [[w:Wonder Woman|Wonder Woman]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''reacting to video''] Oh no.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  No!  NO!  NO!  AHHH!  GET AWAY!
:'''Butt-head''': Aaaahhhh!
:'''Beavis''': GET AWAY!  AHHH!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh my God!
:'''Butt-head''': Is this, like, a joke?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': She's got one of those bathing caps on.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, what's that noise?
:'''Beavis''': Umm...I think it's that chick.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.

===[[w:Hall &amp; Oates|Hall &amp; Oates]]===
====&quot;[[w:Jingle Bell Rock|Jingle Bell Rock]]&quot;====
:[''John Oates is carrying a stack of presents which cover his face'']
:'''Butt-head''': Who could that be?
:[''Daryl Hall takes some of the presents'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, it's [[w:Geraldo Rivera|Geraldo]]!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''A group of people arrive at Hall &amp; Oates' home and are let in. Three other people are left outside'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh-oh, don't let [[Primus (band)|Primus]] in.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, they'll trash the place. They'll BREAK stuff!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. ''My name is Mud!''
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, ''MY NAME IS MUD! M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-MUD-MUD!'' And then he'd SPIT!

====&quot;[[w:Maneater (Hall &amp; Oates song)|Maneater]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': What's [[w:Daryl Hall|this guy]] lookin' at?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  There's his little [[w:John Oates|friend]]!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''about Daryl Hall''] This guy's hair is cool 'cause it looks like mine.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And he's a maneater.  Are you a maneater too, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  I mean - I mean, ''no!''

===[[w:Sam Harris (singer)|Sam Harris]], &quot;[[w:Over the Rainbow|Over the Rainbow]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': He's smiling at you.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh god.
:'''Butt-head''': Look at his face.
:'''Beavis''': Look at that crack in his chin.
:'''Butt-head''': I think it's a buttcrack.
:'''Beavis''': Well I guess that would make sense, since like, there's just a bunch of diarrhea coming out of his mouth.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's like when God was passing out buttcracks, this guy got in line twice.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. And then God gave him one too, you know, the second time.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Sam Harris starts belting'']
:'''Beavis''': [''drinks soda, does a spit take''] AAAAHH!!! NO NO NO STOP IT! STOP IT! NO! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! CUT IT OUT! STOP IT! PLEASE SHUT UP! CHANGE THE CHANNEL Butt-head, RIGHT NOW!!! COME ON!!!
:'''Butt-head''': No way. [''turns the volume up to full on the television'']
:'''Beavis''': COME ON, NO, CUT IT OUT, Butt-head!!! GIMME THAT!!! STOP IT Butt-head! STOP!
:'''Butt-head''': This is cool.
:'''Beavis''': NO! YOU'RE MAKING ME SICK!!! NO! NOOOOO!!! SHUT UP RIGHT NOW, OR I'LL KICK YOUR BUTTCRACK FACE IN!!!
:'''Butt-head''': You dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': [''screams unintelligibly'']
:'''Butt-head''': That sucked, Beavis.

===[[w:PJ Harvey|PJ Harvey]]===
====&quot;50-Foot Queenie&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, Butt-head! It's Mallory, [[w:Justine Bateman|that chick]] from ''[[Family Ties]]''.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This is really noisy.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Noise is cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This chick is weird. 
:'''Beavis''': This chick's mouth is crooked.
:'''Butt-head''': I wonder why.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Why is it crooked?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… I don't know.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, the name of this song is ‘50 Foot Queenie.'
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I'd like a 50 foot queenie.
:'''Butt-head''': I'd like a 50 foot weenie.  

====&quot;Down by the Water&quot;====
:[''P.J. Harvey is wearing lipstick and a shiny red dress'']
:'''Beavis''': Well, look at that.  That's that chick.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...oh yeah!  ''That'' chick.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, she looks nice when she's dressed up!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Not too shabby!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah.  I mean...in that other video, she was just like, you know, looked all, I don't know, you know.  I mean, she looked all right, you know.  Ooohh!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really!  She looks kinda sexy!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How come chicks in videos never dress up?  It's like, they always, like, come out all skanky looking.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  I think they do that on purpose, because they think that, like, people want to see 'em looking all skanky, but I think like, people don't really want to see that.  People want to see 'em, like, you know, looking all sexy and you know, like, with some lipstick, and you know, some long hair, and you know, show a little bit of, uh, you know...
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, this chick's got kinda, like, a big mouth.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.  And her nose is kinda big too, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': And you know what they say about having a big nose.
:'''Beavis''': Ohh yeah, yeah.  She probably's got a big schlong, too.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!
:'''Beavis''': Um, you can't really do that, Butt-head.  So don't even try.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I'm pretty good at smacking you upside the head, though.
:'''Beavis''': Um...
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''P.J. Harvey''': [''whispers''] Little fish, big fish, swimming in the water.
:'''Beavis''': Boy, this chick is freaky!  This whispering is freaking me out, Butt-head, I don't like this.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  [''whispers''] I'm not gonna change the channel, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': It doesn't freak me out when ''you'' do it, Butt-head.  It sounds stupid when ''you'' do it.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah?  Well, you're gonna be freaked out when you find this remote shoved up your butt sideways.
:'''Beavis''': Um, that wouldn't freak me out that much, I'd just go to the bathroom and poop it out.  I've done that before with stuff.

===[[Juliana Hatfield]], &quot;What A Life&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Woah, check it out, someone's getting on a chair, Butt-head. Maybe there's gonna be a hanging.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…it's just someone standing on a chair, Beavis. You automatically think someone's gonna hang themself?
:'''Beavis''': Uh, yeah, I guess I'm just uh…WOAH! I just saw a boob, Butt-head. Check it out!
:'''Butt-head''': You always think you're seeing a boob like that, it's probably just an elbow or something.
:'''Beavis''': No way Butt-head, it was a boob.
:'''Butt-head''': Well so what, you only saw it for like a second or something, what's so great about that?
:'''Beavis''': Um, a second is better than nothing. 
:'''Butt-head''': No it isn't. It sucks.
:'''Beavis''': ''Damnit Butt-head, why do you always have to tear down everything good in my life!?''
:'''Butt-head''': 'Cause your life sucks, Beavis. Your life sucks and ''nobody'' likes you.
:'''Beavis''': Really? Heh, I don't really give a crap.
:'''Butt-head''': [''half laughing''] You don't have any friends.
:'''Beavis''': I have a special little friend. Boi-oi-oing.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, shut up Beavis. Your special friend probably hates you too.
:'''Beavis''': No way Butt-head, you wish.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Aah, she's got ''blood'' in her eyes! ''Ew'', this is ''freaky'', Butt-head, I don't wanna watch this. C'mon, change it.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you're a wuss.
:'''Beavis''': Damn it, someone should help her. They should just like, stop having the video and just like, go help her. She's all beat up. I like….feel all sorry for her and stuff. Kinda freaking me out.

===[[w:Ofra Haza|Ofra Haza]], &quot;[[w:Im Nin'alu|Im Nin'alu]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this foreign?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, Beavis.  She's got money on her head.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Money is cool.
:'''Butt-head''': She's gonna take all that money on her head, and go play video games.  On her horse.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Is this [[w:Paula Abdul|Paula Abdulla]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Is this video about Jesus?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Christ is cool.

===[[w:Max Headroom|Max Headroom]], &quot;Merry Christmas Santa Claus&quot;===
:'''Max''': There's an, old man on a sleigh! Who's like-k-k-k me for just one day!
:'''Beavis''': Is it [[w:Sting (musician)|Sting]]?
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis. Sting sucks! This guy's cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Max''': So here's a little gift, a song to him, from me! Merry-merry-merry-merry-merry Christmas Santa Claus!
:'''Butt-head''': This dude stutters!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that's cool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, Santa Claus looks like one of those biker dudes!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, except he's got that sled and that dorky outfit.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. How does Santa Claus get those reindeer to fly?
:'''Butt-head''': Because he beats the crap out of them with a whip!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Maybe he's pretty cool!

===[[w:Helium (band)|Helium]]===
====&quot;Pat's Trick&quot;====
:[''video opens with [[w:Mary Timony|Mary Timony]] dragging a hoe'']
:'''Beavis''': Um, what is that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, it's a hoe.
:'''Bravos''': Um, yeah I know, but what's that thing she's dragging behind her? [''Butt-head laughs''] Oh, um...why is that funny?
:'''Butt-head''': Because, Beavis.  You thought when I said &quot;a hoe,&quot; that thought I was talking about the chick.  But I was talking about the hoe.
:'''Beavis''': Um, okay, but - but why is that funny?
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis!  'Cause, like, [[w:double entendre|when a word means two things]] like that, it's pretty funny.
:'''Beavis''': I'll be damned.  I didn't know that.
:'''Butt-head''': You know, it's like, &quot;choking your chicken&quot; could be, like, you know, if you had a pet chicken, and you were, like, choking it.  Or it can mean, you know, like, you're [[w:Masturbation|choking your chicken]].
:'''Beavis''': [''laughing''] Oh yeah!  Now ''that's'' funny!  Choking your chicken, that's pretty funny.  Yeah.  Yes, I - I get ''that'' one.  Okay, okay!  ''I'' got one!  Masturbating! [''laughs'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhh...that doesn't work, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it does!  I do it all the time!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This chick has small nostrils.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, well um, I think anybody's nostrils would look small to you, Butt-head.  You look like a cow.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, well, I may have big nostrils, but you know what that means.
:'''Beavis''': Um...oh yeah.  It means you have lots of loogie.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay, Beavis.  You'll be thinking about loogies, and I'll be slapping around my gigantic schlong.

====&quot;XXX&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head. I think the TV's on slow. Fix it.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you can't put the TV on slow. You're thinking of the VCR or something.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think this chick just like, woke up or something. 
:'''Beavis''': She probably doesn't start rocking until later like in the afternoon or something. 
:'''Butt-head''': She probably rocks it around 4, and has a late lunch, and then she goes to the mall.
:'''Beavis''': She goes shopping for a new nightie, and then she takes a nap, and then she rocks until 3 or 4 in the morning, and then she sleeps 'till noon.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Musicians rule. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out! Her guitar's broken.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. They should like, break more guitars.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…yeah!
:'''Beavis''': They should break that escalator too. That would rule.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''The lead singer is destroying an [[w:overhead projector|overhead projector]]'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, stomp on it! Kick it!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! I hate those things.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Everytime someone brings one of those into class, I just like, stick my hand on it and flip everybody off.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''A bandmember resembles [[Jim Carrey]]'']
:'''Butt-head''': ''[[Ace Ventura: Pet Detective]]''!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, she's horny. Chicks get that look when like, I talk to them and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and then they just leave.

===[[w:Helloween|Helloween]], &quot;Halloween&quot;===
:[''A human body in a suit with a [[w:Jack-o'-lantern|Jack-o'-lantern]] head appears on screen.'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, is that the [[w:Great Pumpkin|Great Pumpkin]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Hey, Butt-head, what's the Great Pumpkin from again?
:'''Butt-head''': It's from that [[w:Charlie Brown|Charlie Brown]] thing.  That show about that bald kid.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': It's that [[w:Linus van Pelt|kid with the blanket]] that believes in the Great Pumpkin.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah.  That's, uh, um, Penis.
:'''Butt-head''': His name's not &quot;Penis.&quot;  It's &quot;Anus.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah, Anus.
:'''Butt-head''': You're getting him mixed up with that dude [[w:Schroeder (Peanuts)|Choder]] who plays the piano.  He's a [[w:pianist|penis]].
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.  That's not cool to call someone a &quot;penis&quot; just because they play the piano.
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis, that's what you call someone who plays the piano.  You call them a penis.
:'''Beavis''': Wow, really?  That's cool.  You know what we should do?  We should go to that piano store in the mall and just start saying, &quot;Penis! Penis! Penis!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  That's a good idea, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  So, like, uh, like, what happens with that Great Pumpkin?  Like, what's he supposed to do?
:'''Butt-head''': He, like comes out of the pumpkin patch at night, and he, uh...
:[''A woman in the video pulls up the tatters of her very short dress.'']
:'''Butt-head''': WHOA!  You can see up that chick's dress!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': So, uh, anyways, uh...what was I talking about?
:'''Beavis''': You were talking about seeing up that chick's dress.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh, yeah.

===[[w:Helmet (band)|Helmet]]===
====&quot;[[w:Unsung (song)|Unsung]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': [[w:John Stanier (drummer)|That drummer]] looks like a regular guy.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. If you, like, saw these guys on the street, you wouldn't even know that they're [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].

====&quot;Wilma's Rainbow&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': What's happening to this dude's face?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think he's like, changing expressions and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Really? That's dumb.
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, you really only need, like, three expressions or something. Like one expression for when you're trying to pick up on a chick.
:'''Beavis''': When I'm trying to pick up on a chick, I usually look like this. [''Beavis's face is in his neutral expression'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I usually use this expression. [''Butt-head grimaces''] And then, like, you need an expression for when you're lying.
:'''Beavis''': I usually use this one when I'm lying. [''Beavis's face is once again in neutral''] And then you have and expression for when, like, you're taking a dump.
:'''Butt-head''': This one usually  works for me. [''Butt-head grimaces'']
:'''Beavis''': I usually use this one. [''Beavis's face is once again in neutral'']
:'''Butt-head''': That's a pretty good one, Beavis.

===[[w:Hole (band)|Hole]], &quot;[[w:Violet (song)|Violet]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [''The screen says Violet''] Uh…violence?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, alright! I like it when they tell you beforehand that there's gonna be some violence, so you can make sure you don't, like, go to the bathroom or anything.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out! Hole!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah! Who are these guys, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…this is Hole, Beavis. Who did you think I was talking about?
:'''Beavis''': Oh! I thought you were talking about her bunghole. 
:'''Butt-head''': You dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Hole!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': So like, the sign at the beginning said &quot;violence&quot;, and the band's name is Hole, and it's like, we aren't seeing any violence or any hole.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really! That sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. They need to like, show a big, violent butthole.
:'''Beavis''': I'll show you my butthole if you want. [''Butt-head slaps Beavis across both sides of his face''] Ow!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, I heard this Hole [[Courtney Love|chick]] is a slut.
:'''Butt-head''': Really?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I think it'd be cool if like, we got together and like, we could like spaz out and stuff, and then we could like, do it.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, the only way you could score is if she was like, the biggest slut in the world.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Yeah! [''Beavis's eyes widen''] YEAH!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know who Hole looks like in this video? She looks like that [[w:Tori Spelling|Tori Spelling]] chick.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but Hole looks a lot hotter than Tori Spelling.
:'''Butt-head''': What kind of a name is Hole anyways?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I mean, if you're gonna name your daughter Hole, at least name her like, Bunghole or something.
:'''Butt-head''': It could be like, you know, that joke where the father names her after the first thing he sees when she's born.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but then why would he, um…oh yeah!

===[[w:Huey Lewis and the News|Huey Lewis and the News]], &quot;[[w:I Want a New Drug|I Want a New Drug]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': AAHHHHHH!  [''Butt-head laughs throughout the video''] THIS SUCKS!  AHHHH!  AHH, BUTT-HEAD!  Change it, this sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': No way!  Suffer, dude!
:'''Beavis''': Give me that thing, Butt-head!  Come on, give me the remote, this sucks!  This isn't funny, Butt-head, come on!
:'''Butt-head''': Give me a dollar.
:'''Beavis''': That's not funny, Butt-head, come on, this sucks!  AAHHHHHH!  AAHHHHHH!
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, Beavis.  Don't soil your drawers.  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Hum (band)|Hum]], &quot;Stars&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [''moans'']
:'''Beavis''': Um, hey Butt-head, is it normal for the inside of your bunghole to itch?
:[''The song appears to end'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Is this video over?
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah! Yeah, it's over!
:'''Butt-head''': Well that was pretty cool. I mean it sucked but at least it was short! They should make 'em all this short!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really! Then you wouldn't have to listen to 'em as much. What else is on?

==I==
===[[w:Billy Idol|Billy Idol]], &quot;[[w:Dancing with Myself|Dancing with Myself]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': This was ''before'' the music revolution.
:'''Beavis''': Hey, this looks like that [[w:Les Misérables (musical)|Les Miserables]] poster.  In Mrs. Dickey's class?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  This Les Miserables-looking thing sucks.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Billy Idol''': With the record selection and the mirror's reflection, I'm dancing with myself...
:'''Beavis''': This guy does ''everything'' by himself.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey!  I detect masturbatory overtones.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': [''singing with Billy Idol''] Playing with myself!  Oh oh, playing with myself!
:'''Billy Idol''': Well there's nothing to lose and there's nothing to prove, I'll be dancing with myself...
:'''Butt-head''': He's talking about choking his chicken.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He's talking about spanking his monkey.

===[[Iggy Pop]], &quot;Butt Town&quot;===
:'''Iggy Pop''': The cops are well-groomed, with muscled physiques in Butt Town…
:'''Butt-head''': Butt Town?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that's what he said! He said Butt Town!
:'''Butt-head''': This is cool!
:'''Beavis''': Butt Town!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Iggy Pop''': If you live in Butt Town….
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! If you live in Butt Town…
:'''Iggy Pop''': …you gotta get down.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! You gotta get down!
:'''Beavis''': Butt Town! Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Butt Town rules. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head, where is Butt Town?
:'''Butt-head''': I don't know, but I'm gonna find a map and go there.
:'''Beavis''': Can I come too?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… no, Beavis. Dumbass.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This song has the best lyrics I've ever heard.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! How did this guy come up with this stuff? Butt Town! You live in Butt Town, you gotta get down!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This dude should hook up with [[Sir Mix-a-Lot]], and they can like, sit around and talk about butts and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! I'd like to see that.

===[[w:Infectious Grooves|Infectious Grooves]]===
====&quot;Three Headed Mind Pollution&quot;====
:[''Beavis is sitting on the couch by himself while Butt-head is in the bathroom'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head! Butt-head, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': What? WHAT?!
:'''Beavis''': Come here, quick! [''to himself''] This is cool. Butt-head, come here, quick!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh! [''he flushes the toilet and rushes over to the couch''] What?
:'''Beavis''': Cool! Check this out Butt-head, this is cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhhh, is there a naked chick?
:'''Beavis''': No, but check it out, this is cool!
:'''Butt-head''': It is?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Oh wait, check it out!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, what are you talkin' about?
:'''Beavis''': Well check it out, see, see?! This guy has a like, one of those dog things on his neck! That's cool! Yeah! Then check this out, check this out, this guy's about to stab this guy, see, he's got a spear! He's chasin' him, YEAH, YEAH, GET HIM, GET HIM, GET HIM! YES, YES!
:'''Butt-head''':  Damn it, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': This is so cool! Yes, yes!
:'''Butt-head''':  You got me out of the bathroom to see a dog collar?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! It's pretty cool, huh? Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': What's wrong with you, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Ummm, I don't know!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Cool! This RULES! It rules! Yeah, YES! Yeah! Hey Butt-head, now check this out, see, check it out, this guy's chasin' him, STAB HIM, STAB HIM! Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis! You're not supposed to get me out of the bathroom unless it's like a naked chick or something.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but even like, if this video really does suck, I bet you forgot to wipe!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!

====&quot;Violent and Funky&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Those squares remind me of that game all those stupid dorks play…um, [[w:Chess|chest]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It doesn't even have anything to do with boobs. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Mike Muir|Mike Muir]]''': …but a [[w:.357 Magnum|.357]] gonna blow your damn head off!
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, what's a 357?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…that's like when someone turns all the way around in a circle when they're like slam-dunking or something. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': If I was a clown, I'd make it so like my head would explode when you pull my finger, and all this crap would like fly out of my head and land on other people and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. If I was a clown, I'd go to all the parties, and like eat all the cake, and take stuff home with me.
:'''Butt-head''': That's what you do at parties anyway, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but then I'd be a clown, so I'd like have all these big shoes and stuff, so it'd be different.
:'''Butt-head''': If I was a clown, I'd kick your ass, Beavis, until it's beet red and I'd say, [''Clown-like voice''] &quot;Look, kiddies! Look at his butt!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and then I'd say, &quot;Thanks for coming to the show. Hope you had a good time. See you next time.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That would be cool.

===[[w:INXS|INXS]]===
====&quot;[[w:Devil Inside (INXS song)|Devil Inside]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Is this, like, Satanic music?
:'''Beavis''': No way, dude, it's not cool enough.  [''imitates the song's bass guitar riff, Butt-head soon joins in'']
:'''Butt-head''': If you play this backwards, it says, &quot;This sucks.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are from, like, Austria or something.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Like that [[w:Michael &quot;Crocodile&quot; Dundee|Crocodile dude]].  The [[w:Outback|Outback]].
:'''Butt-head''': You said &quot;outback.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, check this out.  [''bad Australian accent''] &quot;[[w:Dingoes ate my baby|A dingo took your baby]]!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': You said &quot;dingo&quot;!  What if a dingo bit off your dingo?  That would be cool!
:'''Beavis''': No it wouldn't!  That would suck!
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Let's rock.  [''changes channel'']

====&quot;[[w:Not Enough Time|Not Enough Time]]&quot;====
:[''video is set underwater'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis!  Have you ever, like, gone to a public pool, and then like, gone underwater and looked at people's butts?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's cool.  I do it all the time!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is wuss music!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Iron Maiden|Iron Maiden]], &quot;[[w:From Here to Eternity (Iron Maiden song)|From Here to Eternity]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Oh!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': Hey, ''this'' looks like it might be good.  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh.  Yeah! [''a missile strikes a road sign''] OOOOHHH!
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Ye-eeaah!  Now we're getting somewhere!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, you can say what you want about Maiden, but when it comes to making videos, they don't screw around.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Like, even if Maiden did unplug, I bet they'd still have explosions.  Yeah!  And chicks!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, they'd be, like, &quot;We're not gonna unplug the explosion machine, dude.  That's what got us here.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Iron Maiden''': Hell is from here to eternity.
:'''Butt-head''': Hell is from here to eternity?
:'''Beavis''': Um, wait a minute.  That can't be true, Butt-head.  'Cause, like, if Hell was really, like, from here to eternity...
:'''Butt-head''': M hm.
:'''Beavis''': ...then that means, like, Hell was, like, ''everywhere.''  So like, it's like - like, everywhere is Hell, so it's like, if you say to somebody, &quot;GO TO HELL!  GO TO HELL!&quot;, you're just, like, really saying, &quot;Stay right there!&quot;  You know.  You know what I'm saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': So like, it's like, Hell is from here--
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, go to Hell, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um, okay.  No problem.  I'll stay right here.  See?
:'''Butt-head''': No, I mean, just shut up!  It's like, every time you try to figure something out...
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh?
:'''Butt-head''': It's just, like, stupid.
:'''Beavis''': I understand, yeah.

===[[w:Chris Isaak|Chris Isaak]], &quot;Somebody's Crying&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um...what is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I don't really care.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at all these people just lying around like a bunch of lazy slobs!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, really.  They need to get up and get a job!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Dammit!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Did you know that in California, any chick will do it with you?
:'''Beavis''': Really?  You mean, like, all the girls are ''sluts?''
:'''Butt-head''': Yep.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, now that is cool!  Yeah, yeah!  Let's go!
:'''Butt-head''': You know another thing about California, is like, all the dudes there looks like [[w:Kato Kaelin|Kato Kaelin]].
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, he seems like a great guy, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That's how come, like, you know, everyone just lets him live at their house, you know, like [[w:O.J. Simpson|O.J. Simpson]].  He goes, &quot;You know, you're a great guy.  Why don't you come on over and stay a while?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah, I'd let him crash here because, you know, 'cause he seems like such a great guy.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  What a great guy!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Except he kinda looks like the ass end of a dolphin.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah, he does, sort of.  But that's okay.  'Cause he's cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.

===[[w:Izzy Stradlin and the Ju Ju Hounds|Izzy Stradlin and the Ju Ju Hounds]], &quot;Shuffle It All&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  What Izzy?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Who Izzy?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Izzy quit [[w:Guns N' Roses|Guns N' Roses]] 'cause [[w:Axl Rose|Axl]]'s a wuss.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He kicked Axl's ass!  He kicked him!  Kicked him!  And he hit him!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis!  You're gonna hose your shorts.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a train is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Look at that car.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  It's all, like, long.
:'''Butt-head''': Mass transit is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I like ass transit, too.

==J==
===[[Janet Jackson]], &quot;[[w:You Want This|You Want This]]&quot;===
:'''Janet Jackson''': Shanna, will you hurry up and get your funky butt off the bed?
:'''Beavis''': Did you hear that? She just called her monkey butt!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That was pretty cool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I'm getting kinda sick of Janet Jackson.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. She always has a bunch of chicks sitting around and talking before the video.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': That's a pretty nice hotel.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. When you're, like, rich and famous, you can stay in those really nice hotels where they have adult videos and hourly rates and stuff like that.
:'''Beavis''': How come hotels have hourly rates anyway?
:'''Butt-head''': 'Cause, dumbass, it only takes, like, an hour to do it.
:'''Beavis''': Wow. A whole hour?
:'''Butt-head''': A whole whore.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, a whole whore.
:'''Butt-head''': You can get on the phone and be like &quot;Uhh, room service? I'd like some bacon, and a couple Cokes, and a bunch of whores…&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah! &quot;And a side order of POOP!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, what did you say, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, I was just saying, &quot;And a side order of POOP!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Oh boy. Beavis, you just sent my boner into the ground.
:'''Beavis''': Um, oh. Sorry about that. I just, you know…I don't know, I thought it was pretty cool. [''muttering to himself''] A side order of poop? To go with the whores?
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Excuse me, are those [[w:Bugle Boy|Bunghole Boys]] you're wearing?
:'''Beavis''': [''laughs''] Bunghole Boys.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Janet Jackson''': Could you handle this?
:'''Butt-head''': Could you handle this, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, since I can handle this, I can probably handle that!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Beavis is humping the couch'']
:'''Butt-head''': Ugh! What are you doing, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Doin' my monkey boy.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, get down!
:'''Beavis''': I am gettin' down! Rat-a-tat-tat-d'atass…

===[[w:The Jacksons|The Jacksons]], &quot;[[w:Torture (The Jacksons song)|Torture]]&quot;===
:[''video opens with [[w:Jackie Jackson|Jackie Jackson]] standing in the doorway of a temple'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey!  Where's [[w:Tito Jackson|Tito]]?
:'''Beavis''': This is that [[w:Jermaine Jackson|Jermaine]] dude.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Jackie is shown trapped in a rubbery chamber with people trying to poke their faces in'']
:'''Butt-head''': They're in a rubber!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': This should have been the Super Bowl halftime show.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  That would've been cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  They could've had everybody get inside a big rubber.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Jackie is shown in a chamber of eyeballs; he sticks his hand in one of them and gets it covered in slime'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Guess where ''his'' hand's been!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Where's Tito?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''camera pans over a lineup of the Jacksons, ending with Tito Jackson'']
:'''Butt-head''': TITOOO!
:'''Beavis''': Tito's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Tito rules!  He used to be in [[w:Village People|The Village People]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is torture!  Change it!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Jackyl|Jackyl]], &quot;The Lumberjack&quot;===
::''See also: Jackyl, [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience#&quot;Mental *@%#!&quot; by Jackyl|&quot;Mental Masturbation&quot;]], ''[[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience]]'' (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 11.''

:'''Butt-head''': [[w:chainsaw|Chainsaws]] are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I like when they saw stuff.

===[[w:James (band)|James]], &quot;Say Something&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...is this another one of those damn '80s suck videos?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah!  Ohhh yeah.  It's from that album, ''The Classics of Suck''.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the band is in gorilla costumes'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, those aren't real gorillas. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  They had to get fake ones, 'cause like, they knew that real gorillas wouldn't listen to this crap.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': You know what animal would listen to this crap?  Is a cow.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Cows can listen to that crap 'cause they have like, they have like, um, uh, like, six stomachs.
:'''Butt-head''': I bet you could get a cow to listen to like, [[w:Warrant (American band)|Warrant]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Who is this buttknocker, anyways?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, this is James.
:'''Beavis''': James who?
:'''Butt-head''': His parents asked him not to use their last name, 'cause it's like, he sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  His parents said, &quot;Son, we know you suck, and that's okay.  But could you just, like, not use our name?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And then they hugged him!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah.  What a wuss!
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

===[[w:Rick James|Rick James]], &quot;[[w:Super Freak|Super Freak]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  It's [[w:U Can't Touch This|hammer time]]!  U can't touch this!
:'''Beavis''': U can't touch this!
:'''Butt-head''': Touch ''this!'' [''flicks a spoon of ice cream at the TV screen'']
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I can't touch this!
:'''Butt-head''': I can't ''watch'' this.  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Jane's Addiction|Jane's Addiction]], &quot;[[w:Mountain Song (Jane's Addiction song)|Mountain Song]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Hammers|Hammers]] are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! I like to take hammers and break stuff—just ''break'' stuff. Break it!

===[[w:Jawbox|Jawbox]], &quot;Savory&quot;===
:[''three birthday cakes are seen floating over a bed'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, heh, she's like, seeing things! How does she do that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, here I'll show you, Beavis. This might hurt a little. [''smacks Beavis'']
:'''Beavis''': AH!!! AHH, heh, AH! Whoa! Um, heh, uh, I don't think that worked, Butt-head. Try it again!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay! [''smacks Beavis again'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whenever I go to birthday parties, I like to just, like, tear open presents and break stuff, and just run around and go: &quot;RAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHRAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you've never been invited to a party in your life!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah I did, remember at Stewart's party? We were, like, playing hide and seek, and I like, [''laughing''] climbed in the dryer, and took a poop!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! I bet his mom was surprised to find ''that'' present!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the girl in the video is given an axe'']
:'''Butt-head''': These are cool presents!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. That dude's pretty cool for an old guy!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. She didn't even thank him!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, if someone gave me an axe like that, I'd say: &quot;Thank you, sir! That's a very nice axe. That was very nice of you!&quot; 
:[''the girl opens up a present containing a dead, stuffed dog'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, the dead dog was nice too.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Hey, don't look, Butt-head, that was what I was gonna get you for your birthday!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, that would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Now I'm gonna hafta get you what I got Stewart.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': When I was makin' one for Stewart, I made one for you too!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I hope you've got insurance, because I'm about to kick your ass.

===[[w:The Jesus and Mary Chain|The Jesus and Mary Chain]], &quot;Come On&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  I've seen this video before.  A chick squats later.  You know...
:'''Butt=head''': Uh, really?  Can you see some cheek?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, I don't know.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think this is The Jesus and Mary Chain.
:'''Beavis''': Quit cursing, Butt-head.  Come on.
:'''Butt-head''': I'm not!  That's the name of the band, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Why would anybody name their band that?!  It means like, every time that you like, um, say the name of the band, you're like, um, doing one of those, um, those sins?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  They're gonna spend an eternity in Hell!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  DUN DUN DUNNN!  But um, but you're probably gonna go to Hell, too, 'cause you said the name of the band.

===[[w:The Jesus Lizard|The Jesus Lizard]], &quot;Glamorous&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': ALL RIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ARE YOU READY TO GET WILD?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh huh.
:'''Beavis''': I WANNA ASK YOU ONE QUESTION, ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?  I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
:'''Butt-head''': Okay.
:'''Beavis''': I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
:'''Butt-head''': Buttmunch.
:'''Beavis''': LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE WELCOME, um, uh, who are these guys?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, Jesus Lizard.
:'''Beavis''': Um, PLEASE WELCOME JESUS, ah, LIZARD!  Yeah.  I - I'm pretty good at that, yeah.  I oughta be one of those guys.  I bet - I bet I could do that.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you would suck!  The audience would, like, start booing, and then the band would kick your ass.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  You know, one of my teachers told me I had special abilities.  Dumbass.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis...
:'''Beavis''': Butthole.
:'''Butt-head''': ...she just said that 'cause you're stupid!
:'''Beavis''': Uh...oh, really?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys aren't too bad for one of those Jesus bands.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They don't really sound like Christian rock, though.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no, I mean like, you know, for one of those bands that has &quot;Jesus&quot; in their name.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhh yeah, yeah, yeah, there's like, about 900 of those bands...you know, [[w:The Jesus and Mary Chain|The Jesus and Mary, uh, Joseph]], like, [[w:MC 900 Ft. Jesus|900-Foot Jesus]], you know.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And most of 'em suck!

===[[w:Joan Jett|Joan Jett &amp; the Blackhearts]], &quot;[[w:Do You Wanna Touch Me|Do You Wanna Touch Me]]&quot;===
:[''Beavis and Butt-head imitate the song's opening guitar riff'']
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Joan Jett is shown opening her robe, revealing a bikini'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That's cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This chick has a good attitude.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a closeup of a man flexing his pectoral muscles is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That guy has bigger boobs than she does.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Maybe we should touch ''them.''
:'''Butt-head''': It's a ''dude,'' Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  I forgot.  He does has big boobs, though.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''two fishermen are shown flexing fishing rods to the drum beat'']
:'''Beavis''': Those are some dudes holding their rods.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  That's pretty cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She should put her address on the screen so we can know where to go, so we can touch her.
:'''Beavis''': Why would you need a dress??  You some kind of [[w:Transvestism|transformer]]?
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis!  Not a dress.  An ''ad''dress!
:'''Beavis''': Um...yeah, yeah.  Yeah.  Uh huh.
:'''Butt-head''': You're stupid, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[Billy Joel]], &quot;[[w:Uptown Girl|Uptown Girl]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Oh man! What is this?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! This guy really sucks, and I'm not just saying that either!
:'''Butt-head''': Where's he going with that magazine?
:'''Beavis''': He's going into the bathroom, and he's taking those guys with him.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''Singing off-key''] [[w:Piano Man (song)|SING US A SONG, YOU'RE THE PIANO MAN!]]

===[[w:Elton John|Elton John]] with [[w:RuPaul|RuPaul]], &quot;[[w:Don't Go Breaking My Heart|Don't Go Breaking My Heart]]&quot;===
:[''the channel was changed from the video &quot;Demon Juice&quot; by [[w:Sweaty Nipples|Sweaty Nipples]]'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, now what?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah, this isn't much better.  What the hell is this?
:'''Butt-head''': That's that dude who would, like, rather be a girl.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I wonder why that chick's hanging out with him?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...I don't know.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I don't feel like watching this either right now.
:'''Beavis''': Um, I don't think I feel like watching this ''ever.''
:'''Butt-head''': Well, I've seen enough, Beavis, how about you?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Let's never watch this again.  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Jon Spencer Blues Explosion|Jon Spencer Blues Explosion]], &quot;Dang&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': All right! A video! Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': I like music videos.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, because you don't just hear the band, you see 'em too.
:'''Beavis''': This is gonna be cool! I haven't seen a video in a while.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Look, there's like a spaceship and stuff!
:'''Butt-head''': Wow!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! This is great. This is just great!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I didn't know something could kick this much ass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Oh yeah, that's cool. That's wild.
:[''Beavis and Butt-head are both laughing hysterically'']
:'''Beavis''': Ooh, she's got a bunch of arms…
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Wow!
:'''Beavis''': That was cool!
:'''Butt'head''': That's unbelievable!
:'''Beavis''': Boy, I haven't seen a video in a while, that is really great!
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, got any more [[w:Nutmeg#Psychoactivity_and_toxicity|nutmeg]]?
:'''Butt-head''': I don't think so.
:'''Beavis''': That's okay. That's okay, man. I don't need any.

===[[w:Grace Jones|Grace Jones]], &quot;[[w:Demolition Man (song)|Demolition Man]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Wait a minute.  This isn't cool.  This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Who is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhh...uhhhhh...is this [[w:Manute Bol|Manute Bol]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That dude can slam dunk without even jumping.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's too bad he can't sing.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Maybe this ''isn't'' Manute Bol.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Manute Bol sings better than this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This man has lipstick on!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  This is scary.  Can I sleep at your house tonight?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I don't know.  I'll ask my mom's boyfriend.
:'''Beavis''': Ah, never mind.

===[[w:Jordy|Jordy]], &quot;Dur dur d'être bébé&quot;===
:[''Beavis and Butt-head are watching a music video with a singing four-and-a-half year old'']
:'''Beavis''': Is this kid a foreigner?
:'''Butt-head''': No, buttmunch! He's just too young to know how to talk yet.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head. I knew how to talk, like, right when I was born.
:'''Butt-head''': Really? That's pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': I said, &quot;First, I, like, want something to eat, and then I'm gonna take a dump.&quot; It was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Wait a minute, Beavis. I thought you flunked kindergarten because you didn't know how to talk.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, you mean, like, talking out loud? That's a whole 'nother story, Butt-head.

===[[w:Jeremy Jordan (singer)|Jeremy Jordan]], &quot;[[w:The Right Kind of Love|The Right Kind of Love]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head, change it, quick!
:'''Butt-head''': No way!  Check out this wuss.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jeremy Jordan''': Woo!
:'''Beavis''': [''imitating Jeremy Jordan''] Woo!  IT'S THE RIGHT KIND OF LOVE!
:'''Butt-head''': That was cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [[w:Vanilla Ice|Vanilla Ice]] sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': Is this one of those Levi's 501 commercials?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Change it.  Change it, Butt-head!  Come on, Butt-head, THIS SUCKS!  CHANGE IT, THIS SUCKS!
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

===[[Journey (band)|Journey]], &quot;[[w:Separate Ways|Separate Ways]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Is this [[w:The Partridge Family|The Partridge Family]]?
:'''Beavis''': Um…yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': I think this is [[w:Barry Manilow|Barry Manilow]].
:'''Beavis''': This isn't Barry Manilow. He's blonde haired like me.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, and he sucks like you too.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. I mean, no. Buttmunch.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…uhhhhh…boy, this is horrible.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! And it sucks too.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! This video, like, like if it was a turd, it would like, be like the same thing.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. At least if this video was a turd, it would like…be kind of cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, [[w:Steve Perry (musician)|this guy]] sucks! And then this guy! Just look at him!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Yeah. What a dork!

===[[Judas Priest]], &quot;[[w:Painkiller (song)|Painkiller]]&quot;===
:'''Rob Halford''': ''FASTER THAN A BULLET!!!! TERRIFYING SCREAM!!!!!''
:'''Beavis''': [''does an exaggerated impersonation of Rob Halford'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey! [[w:Judas Priest#Subliminal message trial|I feel like killing myself!]] I feel like killing you!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': They're guilty. See you in hell, Rob Hellford! This dude is old.

==K==
===[[w:King Diamond (band)|King Diamond]], &quot;The Family Ghost&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…uh-oh. This is horrible.
:'''Beavis''': I kinda feel sorry for these guys, you know, because um, I think it's probably not their fault that they suck so much.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…yeah it is.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…wow. This might be the worst crap I've ever seen in my life.
:'''Beavis''': Um…this dude kinda looks like that dude from [[Sesame Street]]…[[w:Count von Count|The Count]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's like [''imitating The Count''] A-one! A-two! A-three! A-four buttknockers! Ahahahaha!
:'''Beavis''': [''also imitating The Count''] Ahahahahahahaha!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Oh boy. This is really sad. It's probably like, you know, he has kids and stuff, and he's like &quot;Okay kids, I gotta put on my make-up and go do another show.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you know? It's too bad, really.

===[[w:King Missile|King Missile]]===
====&quot;[[w:Detachable Penis|Detachable Penis]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': He said &quot;[[w:penis|penis]].&quot; [''the duo [[laugh]] continuously for the remainder of the video'']

====&quot;[[w:Martin Scorsese (song)|Martin Scorsese]]&quot;====
:'''[[w:John S. Hall|John S. Hall]]''': This one's called &quot;[[Martin Scorsese]].&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhhhh, &quot;Martin Scores Easy&quot;?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! It's hard for me to score.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, this is [[#&quot;Detachable Penis&quot;|that dude who lost his penis]]!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! He did that song about how he had a &quot;touchable penis&quot;!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This must be what happens when you lose your penis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! I always try to keep my johnson in my pants so I won't lose it!
:'''Butt-head''': You're pretty stupid, Beavis!

===[[w:Kiss (band)|KISS]], &quot;[[w:I Love It Loud|I Love It Loud]]&quot;===
:[''video opens with a teenage boy eating dinner with his parents'']
:'''Butt-head''': Why is that guy eating dinner with those old people?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Maybe he's in trouble.
:[''the boy walks over to a TV'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  He's got a comb in his back pocket.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''KISS is shown on the TV screen'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Cool!
:'''Butt-head''': KISS rules!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are pretty cool for a bunch of mimes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  These mimes are cool 'cause they, like, makes lots of noise and scream.
:'''Butt-head''': I hate it when you're, like, at the fair...
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': ...and some mime comes up and gets in your face and doesn't say anything.  I usually kick 'em in the nads.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, that's when they start saying stuff.  They say stuff like, &quot;AHH!  AHH!  AHH!  AHH!  AHH!  AHH!  AHH!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': KISS is cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  When's [[w:Gene Simmons|he]] gonna spit some blood?
:'''Butt-head''': I like when he sticks his long tongue out.  [''Gene Simmons sticks his tongue out''] Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the boy's mother is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''scoffs''] Old people.

===[[w:Kix (band)|Kix]], &quot;Cool Kids&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Holy crap!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! What the hell is this crap?
:'''Beavis''': Oh my God!
:'''Butt-head''': Is this, like, a joke?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': I think it's safe to say that this sucks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I thought people usually look cool in leather jackets?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! What's wrong? How come these people all look like wussies?
:'''Butt-head''': Sometimes, it just doesn't work, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Maybe these are, like, vinyl jackets.
:'''Butt-head''': No, they're leather. You can't polish a turd, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! I tried that once, I got, like, some dog doo-doo, and like, some, uh, black shoe polish, and then I, like, tried to polish it, but it's like, it's like, you can't polish a turd!
:'''Butt-head''': That's disgusting, Beavis! I bet it was pretty cool to try, though.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': That cop should hit him.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Kix''': COOL! KIDS!
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;[[w:Krokus (band)|Krokus]]&quot;?
:'''Beavis''': No, he's saying &quot;cool kids&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': These are supposed to be cool kids?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': I'd hate to see the un-cool kids! This sucks!

===[[KMFDM]], &quot;[[w:A Drug Against War|A Drug Against War]]&quot;===
:'''Voiceover''': Kill everything, kill everything…
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, okay! Kill everything. KILL EVERYTHING! Except me.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis. Don't you care about anybody but yourself?
:'''Beavis''': Um…uh…no. I don't care about anybody or anything, except me.
:'''Butt-head''': What about when I'm kicking your ass? Do you care about me then?
:'''Beavis''': Um…no, I just care about my ass. [''In Cornholio accent''] It is each man for himself! I will fight and die for myself!
:'''Butt-head''': Well, I guess that's a good thing because like, nobody likes you. And like, you can like, care about yourself, while I'm off scoring with chicks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''An animated man is caressing his hand against a woman's side, about to reach her breast'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
:'''Beavis''': HIGHER, HIGHER, HIGHER, HIGHER, HIGHER!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, dumbass.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''An animated, giant woman with noticeable breasts walks by'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, Butt-head, that chick doesn't have a head!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…oh yeah. That's like that joke, what does the perfect woman look like?
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah, what?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I don't know, she's probably, you know, pretty hot. I think it's like, she has big thingys or something?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, that's pretty funny. She has big thingys. It's pretty funny.

===[[w:Chris Knox|Chris Knox]], &quot;Half Man Half Mole&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Cool, a cartoon.
:'''Butt-head''': Those aren't cartoons, dumbass. That's just clay.
:'''Beavis''': So? Clay can be cartoons.
:'''Butt-head''': No it can't. Cartoons are, like, drawings, or something. Clay is, like, a thing.
:'''Beavis''': So? Drawings are things.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, you're never gonna out…be…be smarter than me. So don't even try. Just shut up.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I think I know what this is. I think this is, um, [[w:Davey and Goliath|Davey and Goliath]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. That's that show that's on Sunday mornings when there's nothing on but church.
:'''Beavis''': You know one thing about that show, you know that Goliath is, um, he's supposed to be a dog, but I've never seen him lick his nads. Have you ever noticed that?
:'''Butt-head''': I saw him do it once real fast. He was probably like [''imitating Goliath''] &quot;Uhh, Davey, you should try this.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and then Davey said &quot;Maybe I should pet you first.&quot; And you know, also, you know, I've never seen him poop either.
:'''Butt-head''': I thought I saw him poop once, but I think it was just, like, a piece of clay that fell off his butt.

===[[w:Korn|Korn]], &quot;[[w:Blind (song)|Blind]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! This looks like it might rock.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, maybe.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. I mean, I dunno, maybe it's alright. I guess it sounds kinda cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know what might make it different is like, you know, if you were really dizzy when you were watching this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, if you were all like dizzy in the head and you were watching this!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Want me to strike you?
:'''Beavis''': No, I know how to make myself dizzy, check it out. I learned this one time, check this out. [''Beavis puts his thumb in his mouth and blows very hard, eventually hyperventilating. He then goes into a trance.''] I think there's a problem with this video, as it is highly derivative of many popular bands within the genre, although when viewed on its own merit, it does have a decent groove. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': However, what it has in groove, it lacks in originality. 
:'''Butt-head''': What's your problem?
:'''Beavis''': One can't help but be reminded of such bands as [[w:Pearl Jam|Pearl Jam]], [[w:White Zombie|White Zombie]], [[w:Suicidal Tendencies|Suicidal Tendencies]], and other bands that bear the mantle of so-called alternative rock. 
:'''Butt-head''': You're talking like a dork, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': One is even reminded of [[w:Laurie Anderson|Laurie Anderson]] when she wore curlers. This video speaks less to the heart, and more to the sphincter. 
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': In closing, I think Korn would do well to learn more from…[''Butt-head hits him several times'']…AAAAAHHH!!! OW!!! Whoa, what happened?
:'''Butt-head''': You got all dizzy and then you started talking like a dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? Wow.
:'''Butt-head''': But then you did say spinxter.
:'''Beavis''': It's pronounced spinxter, Butt-head.

===[[w:Lenny Kravitz|Lenny Kravitz]], &quot;Is There Any Love in Your Heart&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Yeah, bee-yotch!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis! [''Slaps Beavis'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, check it out. That chick on the drums, that's that chick that's at games holding up that sign.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. It's like it says John on it, then it has his phone number.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. We should call him up and say &quot;Hey man, know where any parties are at?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, and then hang up on him. That would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. That'd teach him a lesson.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Ooh, baby.
:'''Butt-head''': Ooh. [''Beavis and Butt-head dance''] Lenny rules.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, [[w:Lemmy|Lemmy]] does rule. Um, what does [[w:Motörhead|Motörhead]] have to do with what's going on here?
:'''Butt-head''': No, butthole, I didn't say Lemmy, I said Lemmy. 
:'''Beavis''': I think you said Lemmy, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': You monkeyspank. [''Smacks Beavis again'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, check out that chick!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! She like, came out of the trunk!
:'''Butt-head''': She must be like, the spare. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. That would be cool if like, I always had a spare chick in my trunk.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, you don't have a trunk, buttmunch. You ride a bike.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! I'm gonna get a trunk and I'm gonna like, put a spare chick in it.
:'''Butt-head''': Right, Beavis.

===[[w:Kris Kross|Kris Kross]], &quot;[[w:Warm It Up|Warm It Up]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Warm it up, Kris!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Warm it up, Kris!  Warmer!  With fire!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How do those guys [[w:urinate|pee]] with their [[w:trousers|pants]] on backwards?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, which one's Kross?
:'''Butt-head''': Kross is the Mac Daddy.  And Kris is the Daddy Mac.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Who do you think would win in a fight between Daddy Mac and the Mac Daddy?
:'''Butt-head''': I don't know.  But they could both kick [[w:Axl Rose|Axl]]'s ass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That would be cool if Axl got his ass kicked by a couple of 12-year-olds!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head.  What were ''we'' born to do?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...

===[[w:Krokus|Krokus]], &quot;[[w:School's Out (song)|School's Out]]&quot;===
:[''The video opens in a high school classroom.'']
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it.  I'm sick of seeing videos in schools.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Really.
:'''Butt-head:''' If I wanted to see a video in school, I'd go to school and watch TV.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that's not a bad idea.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''A girl in only her bra and panties appears on top of a locker.'']
:'''Butt-head:''' Whoa.  That locker's pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''The song reaches the chorus. The band is doing a synchronized guitar dance.'']
:'''Butt-head:''' Wait a minute.  What's this?  This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Ahh! Ahhhahhhhyahhhhauughuuuu...
:'''Butt-head:''' Shut up.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Heavy metal has come a long way.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Really.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Three high school girls appear on screen.'']
:'''Butt-head''': Cool.  Chicks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. I mean, even though the chicks are cool, it's like, the video still sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Really.
:[''The band is playing on stage.'']
:'''Butt-head''': This is disgusting, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  It's sickening.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Lead singer [[w:Marc Storace|Marc Storace]] appears on screen.'']
:'''Butt-head''': Look at this guy.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Look at his face.
:'''Beavis''': Look at his hair.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Look at his head.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  His whole head sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  His chest is no picnic, either.
:'''Beavis''': He looks like [[w:Welcome_Back,_Kotter#Arnold_Dingfelder_Horshack|Horshack]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  With [[w:Welcome_Back,_Kotter#Juan_Luis_Pedro_Felipo_de_Huevos_Epstein|Epstein's]] hair.

==L==
===[[w:L7 (band)|L7]], &quot;[[w:Pretend We're Dead|Pretend We're Dead]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this [[w:The Bangles|The Bangles]]?
:'''Beavis''': No, it's The Go-Go's.
:'''Butt-head''': There are like, grudge chicks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Grubby chicks are cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I'm gonna get a ring in my nose.
:'''Butt-head''': I had ringworm in my nose once.  It was pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I remember.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Let's [[pretend]] we're [[dead]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That would be cool.

===[[w:LaTour|LaTour]], &quot;People Are Still Having Sex&quot;===
:[''A [[w:Mars symbol|Mars symbol]] shows up onscreen'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis, you see that arrow? Did you know that that symbolizes the wiener? 
:'''Beavis''': Um… what wiener? Where?
:'''Butt-head''': It stands for wieners everywhere. 
:'''Beavis''': Um… yeah. Good.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''LaTour''': But people are still having sex, and nothing seems to stop them.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… people are still having sex?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, what people? Where?! I want names!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Well, he said people are still having sex, and it's like, I'm not having sex!
:'''Butt-head''': So? If you kept your mouth shut, maybe he'd tell you!
:'''Beavis''': Well, okay.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''LaTour''': Do you understand me?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I understand you, but where?! 
:'''LaTour''': Lust keeps on lurking…
:'''Beavis''': Dammit, come on! Who? Where? 
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, just listen this time! Shut up!
:'''LaTour''': This AIDS thing's not working…
:'''Beavis''': Um…
:'''LaTour''': People are still having sex!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, okay…
:'''LaTour''': People are still having sex!
:'''Beavis''': Dammit, there he goes again!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, shut up!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''The top of a Mars symbol penetrates a round shape'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! That thing's getting it on with a doughnut!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! uh…a doughnut sounds pretty good right now. I think I'm gonna go get a doughnut. You want anything? [''Gets up and leaves'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yea, bring me back a couple!

===[[w:Annie Lennox|Annie Lennox]], &quot;No More 'I Love You's&quot;===
:[''A ballet dancer's legs are shown as the video starts'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…get ready for a surprise! You think it's a girl, [''camera scrolls up to dancer's face''] but it's a guy!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah! You think it's gonna be a girl, but it's a guy, see! So it's like, confusing…it's like strange, you know.
:'''Butt-head''': [''laughs''] Yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Annie Lennox appears with her eyes largely widened'']
:'''Beavis''': AAH! What's her problem?!
:'''Butt-head''': This is stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Um…this kind of sounds like that um…[''sings &quot;[[w:From a Distance|From a Distance]]&quot;'']. 
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Who did that song?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…that's [[Bette Midler|Butt Midler]]. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': That looks like that…that mouse chick…that Minnie, [[w:Minnie Mouse|Minnie Mouse]], you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. It's like, have you ever heard that joke? Why did [[w:Mickey Mouse|Mickey]] divorce Minnie?
:'''Beavis''': Um…uh…I don't know.
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, this is funny...because she was doing [[w:Goofy|Goofy]]! [''laughs'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Check this out, Butt-head. I got a joke. This is really good. Knock knock!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…who's there?
:'''Beavis''': Eura. 
:'''Butt-head''': Eura who?
:'''Beavis''': You're a buttmunch! Dillhole! Dumbass! And a turd!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': I just made that up! I made that one up myself!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, I have one. Knock knock!
:'''Beavis''': Who's there?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…eura.
:'''Beavis''': Eura who?
:'''Butt-head''': You're ain…urine.

===[[w:Letters to Cleo|Letters to Cleo]], &quot;Here and Now&quot;===
:[''the lead singer's head is the focus of one shot'']
:'''Beavis''': I wonder what the rest of her body looks like? [''the camera pans down to her legs''] Oh yeah. Thank you very much.
:'''Butt-head''': Thank you, may I have another?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, what TV show is this chick on?
:'''Beavis''': Let's see, um, [[Family Ties]], [[Full House]], [[w:My Two Dads|My Two Dads]], [[w:Growing Pains|Growing Pains]], [[w:One Day At a Time|One Day At a Time]]…
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no.
:'''Beavis''': [[Melrose Place]], [[Northern Exposure]], [[What's Happening!!]], [[w:Good Times|Good Times]], [[w:The Jeffersons|Jeffersons]]… 
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis! Uh, she looks like that uh, [[Sally Struthers|that chick]] that used to be young and had big hooters.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': And she was like, [[All in the Family|married to that dude and living with her parents]], and now she does [[w:ChildFund|those commercials for like, hungry foreign kids]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah! And she was also in that [[w:International Correspondence Schools|commercial for the career institute]], where she's going like, [''high-pitched voice''] &quot;You can get a wonderful new career and an associate's degree in business management, x-ray tech, court reporter, computer technicians, high school!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. [''both laugh'']
:'''Beavis''': I was thinking of signing up for that career institute, and like, then I could be like, X-Ray technician, and I could look through chicks' clothes and stuff. That'd be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That'd be a good job.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''jabbers nonsensically''] What? What did you say?
:'''Butt-head''': What? I didn't say anything!
:'''Beavis''': Oh. I thought you said something, like, just now, right before I went [''jabbers nonsensically''], didn't you say something?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no.
:'''Beavis''': Really? I could've sworn I heard you say something, like you said, [''imitates Butt-head''] &quot;Uhuhuh, yeah, this is cool&quot;, or something like that.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no, Beavis, I didn't say anything. You oughta try not saying anything.
:'''Beavis''': Okay. I'll give that a try right now.

===[[Jerry Lee Lewis]], &quot;Goosebumps&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, I think this is my grandpa!
:'''Butt-head''': No, this is that dude that was in that movie.  He married his cousin, and then they [[w:Sexual intercourse|did it]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  I think that movie was called ''[[w:Great Balls of Fire|Great Balls of FFFFIRE!]]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Did you know when you get it on with your cousin, it means she's your cousin, uh, like, once removed?
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really?  You know, my grandpa told me once that, like, because he did it with his cousin, that means that my grandma...is my cousin, and my mom is my great aunt.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...yeah, and she's also a great slut.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, and um...and also, I think my grandma is a nitwit.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': It's like, I didn't know you could, like, rock on the piano.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's like, all you need to do is, like, you know, kick the piano and do it with your cousin, and you'll be cool forever.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Or maybe you could, like, do it with the piano and kick your cousin!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': [''sternly''] Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, sorry about that.

===[[w:Life of Agony|Life of Agony]], &quot;This Time&quot;===
:[''A man looks angrily towards the camera'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey, hey! Quit looking at me like that! You wanna fight?!
:'''Butt-head''': You always like, talk tough in front of the TV set but if that dude was really here, you'd be a total wuss.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head! I'd take him on.
:'''Butt-head''': No you wouldn't! You'd be going like [''Mocks Beavis's voice''] Yeah…huh huh huh…yeah…huh huh huh.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. [''snickers''] Yeah. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is that that [[w:Christian Slater|Christian Slater]] dude?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It's like &quot;Christians? Later, dude.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, quit trying to be funny. It never works.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! This part of the song sucks. It's like, that other part is pretty cool, but it's like, they go into all these different parts, and most of them suck.
:'''Beavis''': If they could just stick to that one part that's cool, you know? Not play the stuff that, like, sucks, and uh, you know, then like, you know, we'd all be like, you know, we'd all be a little better.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Keith Caputo|Keith Caputo]]''': You've got time, but you ain't got time for me…
:'''Butt-head''': Look at him! He's saying his dad doesn't have time for him.
:'''Beavis''': Aww! Aww! He ain't got time for me!
:'''Butt-head''': He's practically crying.
:'''Beavis''': Aww! That's too bad.

===[[w:Live (band)|Live]], &quot;[[w:I Alone|I Alone]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think this dude is checking you out, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': No he's not! Liar.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah he is. He's like, &quot;I like what I see. I'll be right over.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! He can't see me, because he's just looking at the camera, he's in the video.
:'''Butt-head''': Remember that time that dude was saying that stuff to you at the bus station?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': He said, &quot;I like what I see. Now why don't you go into one of those stalls and I'll meet you there.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! At least I got a candy bar out of the deal.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Who the hell is this buttmunch?! What's going on here?
:'''Butt-head''': What's with all these faces he's making? He's like, trying to be scary and all heavy and intense and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Who's this other guy, that keeps, like, trying to get in front of him?
:'''Butt-head''': I think he's just some jackass that wandered on the set. Maybe he’s like, the drummer, and like, they got there and they said &quot;Where are your drums?&quot; and he’s like, &quot;Uhh, I thought they were in the van.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': And they’re like, &quot;You mean you didn’t bring your drums?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': And they said &quot;Okay, it’s your own fault. You’re gonna have to wander around like a buttmunch for the whole video.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. And then he said &quot;Okay, that’s okay with me, yeah. I can do that.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': What a jack-butt-munch-ass-dumb-butt.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at that little braid thing on the back of his head.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it’s like, one of those dolls, where you pull the string, and they, like, talk and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be a cool doll if you had, like, this little bald dude without a shirt, and you, like, pull a string on the back of his head and he just starts shouting at you. And then it could wet its pants.

===[[w:LMFAO|LMFAO]], &quot;[[w:Champagne Showers|Champagne Showers]]&quot;===

:'''Butt-head''': Good news, guys. We saved the community center. Let's all dance!

===[[w:Lordz of Brooklyn|Lordz of Brooklyn]], &quot;Saturday Night Fever&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''sings''] [[w:American Woman (song)|American Woman]]!
:'''Butt-head''': They think they're bad cause they're walking slow.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a heavy-set man with a mustache has the caption &quot;Scotty&quot;'']
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, [[w:Montgomery Scott|Scotty]]. [''imitates Scotty''] Captain, she's breaking up! We can't hold out much longer! [[w:Jump Around|Get out your seat and jump around! Jump around!]]
:'''Butt-head''': [''also imitating Scotty''] Get out your seat and jump around. Jump around.
:'''Beavis''': These guys are like, it's like they're trying to be [[w:House of Pain|House of Pain]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. And the [[w:Beastie Boys|Beastie Boys]], and uh, [[Goodfellas]]…
:'''Beavis''': And [[Reservoir Dogs|Resavore Dogs]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, if these dudes were as cool as they think they are, they'd be hanging out with chicks on a Saturday night.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, really. Or at least, like, watching TV or something. I wonder where these guys get these clothes?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, you can get them at this place called Buy George down at the mall.
:'''Beavis''': No way, really? Cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Who are these guys, anyway?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, the Lordz of Brooklyn.
:'''Beavis''': I thought there was only one [[w:Jesus Christ|Lord]]. That's what they said in Sunday school.
:'''Butt-head''': You're thinking of, like, outer space, Beavis. That's where the lord lives.

===[[w:G. Love &amp; Special Sauce|G. Love &amp; Special Sauce]], &quot;Cold Beverage&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': I've seen this video before. It sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Wow! You know, I was just thinking the same thing, then you said it! You must, like, read minds or something.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah, I can do that. I have, like, [[w:Extra-sensory perception|ESP]]…[[w:ESPN|N]].
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? That's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I knew you were gonna say that.
:'''Beavis''': Wow. So what am I gonna say next?
:'''Butt-head''': You're gonna say &quot;Yeah, huh huh huh huh&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, heh heh. Wow! You did it again. That's cool! 
:'''Butt-head''': I knew you were gonna say that, too.
:'''Beavis''': Okay, let's try it one more time. I'm gonna think about something.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay…ummm….mmmm…dammit Beavis! [''slaps Beavis several times'']
:'''Beavis''': Cut it out, butthole!
:'''Butt-head''': Don't ever think about that again.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Wow, this is really cool. Okay, let me do it now. You think of something. 
:'''Butt-head''': Okay.
:'''Beavis''': Um…are you thinking about…is it some flies?
:'''Butt-head''': No.
:'''Beavis''': Is it a suitcase of some kind?
:'''Butt-head''': No.
:'''Beavis''': Are you thinking you're gonna smack me?
:'''Butt-head''': No, but that's not a bad idea. [''slaps Beavis several times'']

==M==
===[[w:MARRS|MARRS]], &quot;[[w:Pump Up the Volume (song)|Pump Up the Volume]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Check ''this'' out!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's pretty cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this PBS?
:'''Beavis''': Umm...uhh...I don't know.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the planet Saturn is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Is that Uranus?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uranus is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Thanks.
:'''Butt-head''': What?

===[[w:M.I.R.V.|M.I.R.V.]], &quot;Shave My Face Off&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': That's all you need anyway, is a beer, a chair, and a TV. I mean if I go through life and wind up never scoring, I guess it wouldn't be too bad if I just had a beer, a chair and a TV--
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you are NEVER going to score.
:'''Beavis''': I'm not saying I'll never score. I'm just saying, y'know, if that's the way it worked out, it wouldn't be too bad…well, no, it would suck, but it would be if I had a TV, and um…dammit! Nevermind.
:'''Butt-head''': You'll be lucky if you even drink a beer. You'll probably never have a chair either.
:'''Beavis''': This is gonna suck.

===[[Madonna (entertainer)|Madonna]]===
====&quot;[[w:Fever (Madonna song)|Fever]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  She's got a small, furry animal in her mouth.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  That's cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This chick was married to [[Sean Penn|that dude]] who would punch you if you took his picture.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That, uh, [[Woody Allen]] dude?
:'''Butt-head''': No, assmunch, Woody Allen's the dude that went out with [[w:Soon-Yi Previn|his daughter]]. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  If you were, like, a chick, would you go out with your stepdad?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...not if his name was Woody. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  What if his name was Stiffy?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...well...maybe.  Stiffy Allen.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Stiffy Allen!  Woodrow Allen!
:'''Butt-head''': That was cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': She's almost naked!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': That gives me a special feeling on my Woody Allen.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Ahhh!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at her thingies!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  I like when they push together really close.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That's pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, dude.  She's filthy!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Secret (Madonna song)|Secret]]&quot;====
:[''a faster version of the video is playing'']
:'''Beavis''': Um...
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, this sounds different.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah, it was slower before.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And she was ''walking'' slower before, too, and she had bigger hooters.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, I sure would like to do Madonna.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, me too.  I'd like to have sex with her.  That would rule!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that...that - that's what I meant, too, yeah.  Yeah.  That would kick ass!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Madonna looks pretty normal here.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.  She just looks like a normal, white-haired old lady walking down the street to get some groceries.  You know what I'm saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah.  But for, you know, an old white-haired lady, she still looks pretty good.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, no - no, I'd ''do'' her.  No - yeah.  I mean, I'd ''do'' her, yeah.  I'm not saying that.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you'd do your old white-haired grandma if you got the chance.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head!  My grandma's got, like, brown, kinda purple hair.  It's not white.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Madonna's always, like, masturbating during her videos.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  So am I!  You know, during her videos?  Yeah. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but like, when she masturbates, she's still doing it with Madonna.  When ''you'' spank your monkey, you're just doing it with Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Um, that's ''little'' Beavis.  Boy, if I was Madonna, I would, like, fondle my boobs constantly.

===[[Marilyn Manson]]===
====&quot;[[w:Get Your Gunn|Get Your Gunn]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Hey! No shirt, no shoes, no service!
:'''Butt-head''': Those are the rules! Now get the hell out of my store!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Marilyn Manson''': The housewife I will beat…
:'''Beavis''': The asswipe I will beat? 
:'''Butt-head''': He didn't say asswipe, he said housewife.
:'''Beavis''': Sounded like asswipe to me, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…who cares?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! I think he's saying &quot;Get your gun.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I think this is one of those &quot;Stop the violence&quot; things…you know, like enough is enough.
:'''Beavis''': You know, they really should um, stop the violence, because sometimes it hurts, you know? It's like, maybe you like, [[w:Give Peace a Chance|gave peace a chance]], and like…''[Butt-head smacks Beavis''] OW! CUT IT OUT, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis! I'm trying to watch this! [''Beavis kicks Butt-head in the testicles''] UUHH! Dammit, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Dammit Butt-head! I'm just trying to say, you know, that if they stopped the violence…[''Butt-head slaps Beavis again'']
:'''Butt-head''': Now quit acting like a damn wuss, Beavis, or I'm gonna get medieval on your ass!

====&quot;[[w:Long Hard Road Out of Hell|Long Hard Road Out of Hell]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…boy, [[Cher]] has sure gone downhill.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, really! It's like, her boobs have gotten smaller, and she's like…all weird…
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but that's like, when you get old, you get this thing called [[w:menopause|mentopause]], and like, your boobs go away, and like, your butt swells up…
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? You know, I think that might be happening to me, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, pull your pants up!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look, Butt-head! Poop in a jar!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. I think there's some [[w:urine|wee-wee]] there too.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…wait a minute. This isn't Cher.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Yeah, you're right, it's [[Charles Manson]]!
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass. It's Marilyn Manson.
:'''Beavis''': Oh. Really? Um, where have I heard that name? Charles Manson…
:'''Butt-head''': You know all these people in this video? They're all like, part of this [[w:Manson family|Manson dude's family]], and then they like, do it with each other, and then they like, go out and kill people and cut their ears off and stuff?
:'''Beavis''': Really? I'll be damned. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, and like, this is how they like, spend Thanksgiving. They sit around and get naked and scream.
:'''Beavis''': You know, I've seen a lot of stuff, but this is really just disturbing, and just really wrong, and this is just bad.
:'''Butt-head''': These people are messed up.
:'''Beavis''': I got a pamphlet I'd like these guys to read. You know what I'm saying?
:'''Butt-head''': They're all gonna spend an eternity in Hell.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, that one chick? That chick right there? She's kinda hot.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': I'd like to make love to her. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Me too.
:'''Beavis''': I'd like to stroll down, and make love…
:'''Butt-head''': Come to Butt-head.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How does he make it, so like, you can't see his schlong?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, it's easy, Butt-head. You push it down to your taint and you tape it to your buttcrack with duct tape. I've done it before.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…why did you tape your wiener to your buttbrack, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Um…I don't know, I wanted to try it, I thought maybe it'd save time.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…wait a minute, Beavis. That's a dude! [''Beavis screams''] You want to make love to a dude, Beavis! 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! Shut up! You said you wanted to do him too!
:'''Butt-head''': No I didn't, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yes you did! You said &quot;Yeah, I wanna do her, come to Butt-head!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': No, I didn't, Beavis! Shut up before I kick you a new bunghole! [''singing''] Beavis wants to make love to a dude…
:'''Beavis''': SHUT UP, Butt-head! Whoa, it's [[w:Matt Pinfield|Matt Pinfield]]!
:'''Butt-head''': You wanna do it with him too, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': SHUT UP, Butt-head! I'm serious! I'm gonna haul off and kick you in the nads!
:'''Butt-head''': [''Laughs''] Beavis is a lesbian.

===[[w:MC 900 Ft. Jesus|MC 900 Ft. Jesus]], &quot;If I Only Had a Brain&quot;===
:[''Beavis hums along with the bassline'']
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, this dumbass is trying to mail himself. Beavis…cut it out, Beavis. Dammit Beavis, cut it out. Uhh, that'd be cool if, like, I could, like, mail myself. I could put a stamp on my butt and say, like, &quot;Take me to somewhere cool&quot;. Beavis, shut up.
:'''Beavis''': [''still humming along''] Higher!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, do you hear me? Shut up! Shut up, Beavis! Beavis, if you don't stop that right now, I'm gonna smack you upside the head!
:'''Beavis''': [''sings along''] Still be here with you…
:'''Butt-head''': I'm gonna give you three seconds, Beavis! What the hell's the matter with you, Beavis? [''smacks Beavis'']
:'''Beavis''': OOOWW!! [''resumes humming along'']
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, do you hear me? [''smacks Beavis again''] Shut up!
:'''Beavis''': AH! OW! [''resumes humming along'']
:'''Butt-head''': Remember that time you turned that jack-in-a-box into a crap-in-the-box? That was cool. Uhh, Beavis? Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': [''singing along''] Higher, higher!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis! What's your problem, Beavis? I said stop it! [''fed up with this, Butt-head hums along. Beavis stops humming along.'']

===[[w:Reba McEntire|Reba McEntire]], &quot;[[w:Take It Back (Reba McEntire song)|Take It Back]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this that show about that deaf lawyer?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  I'd like to make a motion.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Me too!  [''moons the TV screen'']
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Yes!
:'''Butt-head''': WHOA!  &quot;[[w:Cop Rock|Cop Rock]]&quot; reruns!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  &quot;Cop Rock&quot; reruns!  This is cool!
:'''Butt-head''': This is the one where they sing in court.
:'''Beavis''': No way, this is the one where they sing in that locker room.
:'''Butt-head''': That's the same show, dumbass.  There only ''was'' one show!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but it was cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the judge stands on his bench and plays a saxophone'']
:'''Butt-head''': No sax in court!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': The [[w:Prosecutor|prostitution]] rests!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Change it!  Change it, quick!

===[[w:Bobby McFerrin|Bobby McFerrin]], &quot;[[w:Don't Worry, Be Happy|Don't Worry, Be Happy]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': I heard this dude, like, did this whole song just by, like, whistling and singing and slapping his butt and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really?  I think I'm gonna try that.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  So am I.  [''slaps Beavis across the face'']
:'''Beavis''': AAAH!  Cut it out, Butt-head.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Don't worry, Beavis, be happy.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.  I'm not worried.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah?  Does ''this'' worry you?  [''smacks Beavis'']
:'''Beavis''': AAAH!  Cut it out, Butt-head!  I'm gonna play drums on your nads with my foot!
:'''Butt-head''': I'd like to see you try, buttknocker!
:'''Beavis''': Don't call me that, Butt-head!  [''kicks Butt-head in the testicles'']
:'''Butt-head''': UUH!  I'm gonna play drums on your face, buttknocker!
:[''the two start continuously hitting each other'']
:'''Beavis''': SHUT UP, BUTT-HEAD, I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!  CUT IT OUT!
:'''Butt-head''': BUTTKNOCKER!
:'''Beavis''': CUT IT OUT!
:'''Butt-head''': BUTTKNOCKER!
:'''Beavis''': AAAHH!  SHUT UP!  SHUT UP!
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, the fight's over, I won.
:'''Beavis''': No you didn't, Butt-head, ''I'' won.
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, it's [[Mrs. Doubtfire|Mrs. Doubt''FIRE!'']]
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Um...I don't think [[Robin Williams|that guy]]'s very funny.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's like, he tries to talk really fast, so you won't notice that he's not very funny.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  I think he was like, funny, like, a long time ago, like, when it was, like, really fast.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhh...okay.

===[[Megadeth]], &quot;[[w:Sweating Bullets|Sweating Bullets]]&quot;===
::''See also: Megadeth, [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience#&quot;99 Ways To Die&quot; by Megadeth|&quot;99 Ways To Die&quot;]], ''[[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience]]'' (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 4.''

:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, this guy talks like you.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head.  [''sounding like Dave Mustaine''] He doesn't talk like me.
:'''Butt-head''': He sorta talks like you.  He just doesn't sound as much of a wuss as you do.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''several bodies of Dave Mustaine are being shown in the video'']
:'''Butt-head''': What's that dude doing back there?
:'''Beavis''': That's [[w:Dave Mustaine|Dave Mustaine]].  
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis, that's Dave Mustaine up in front.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head.  Dave Mustaine sings better than that.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That's like a Dave Mustaine look-alike.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Was this guy raised by wolves?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Wolves are cool.  If you were like raised by wolves, you could like, go take a leak in the forest, and like, take a dump too.  And then you'd like kill sheep and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': You could take a dump in the woods, even if you weren't raised by wolves, dude.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

===The Meices, &quot;Daddy's Gone to California&quot;===
:[''video opens with [[w:Ron Jeremy|Ron Jeremy]] driving a convertible'']
:'''Beavis''': Um...uh, hey, this guy looks familiar.  Um...whoa, that's that guy!  Remember when we saw those naked movies at your uncle's house?  That's the guy that was in 'em, right there!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...how do you know, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I recognize him, that's him!  That's the guy that was in those naked movies, remember?  It's like, he had his schlong and he was, like, you know, like, doing that, um...you know, something...
:'''Butt-head''': You were looking at that guy's face when there was all that porn action going on?
:'''Beavis''': Well, you were probably looking at his wiener.  Dumbass.
:'''Butt-head''': No, I wasn't.  I was looking, like, ''around'' his wiener.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': So like, I guess he's, like, in a band or something?
:'''Butt-head''': No.  This band probably just, like, keeps him around 'cause he can get chicks.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  How come that guy gets to be in naked movies?  He's just, like, a big, fat, ugly slob.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Well...you're ''almost'' there, Beavis, all you need to do is just, like, get fat.
:'''Beavis''': Really?  Um, how do I get big and fat?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...I don't know.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I'm getting sick and tired of dudes who sing like this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, it's like, almost every damn video you see has, like, some guy singing like this.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's like, he's trying to be alternative.
:'''Beavis''': Um...yeah, yeah.  Yeah, y - y - yeah, something like that, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': And it sucks!

===[[w:John Cougar Mellencamp|John Cougar Mellencamp]], &quot;Pop Singer&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Heh, this is that guy with all those last names.

===[[w:Melvins|Melvins]], &quot;Hooch&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Yes! Yes!
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Cool (aesthetic)|Cool]]!
:'''Beavis''': This rules, Butt-head, check this out!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Buzz Osborne|Buzz Osborne]]''': Los ticka toe rest…
:'''Butt-head''': What? I can't understand what he's saying.
:'''Beavis''': What's your problem, dumbass? He's saying, like, um…
:'''Buzz Osborne''': …sender bright like a penelty…
:'''Beavis''': Done brine like a pelty? Yeah, that's cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': See, like, right here, he says, uh…
:'''Buzz Osborne''': Exi-tease my ray day member half lost a beat away…
:'''Beavis''': Um, exit is my raging member, ban on a TV.
:'''Butt-head''': These words rule!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah yeah yeah! Rock!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, if they X-rayed your wiener, would they see a bone?
:'''Butt-head''': If you had a boner, they would.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. That would be cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the band members are submerged in water'']
:'''Butt-head''': [[Water]] is [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. We should go to somebody's pool, and like, go inside it, and like, go underwater, and just rock out! [''sings along''] Like a stinky photographing on a wire relay in a state of!

===[[w:Men Without Hats|Men Without Hats]], &quot;[[w:The Safety Dance|The Safety Dance]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this [[Michael Jackson]]?
:'''Beavis''': I think it's that bee from that [[w:Blind Melon|Blind Melon]] [[w:No Rain|video]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, I'm sick and tired of seeing crap like this.
:'''Beavis''': That'd be cool, if [[Robin Hood]] came and shot these guys with an arrow. Yeah, yeah, YEAH, YEAH YEAH!
:'''Butt-head''': Rock on, Beavis!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Men Without Hats''': We can dance, we can dance…
:'''Butt-head''': This butthole keeps saying he can dance, but it's like…he can't dance.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, they need to go to a [[Pantera]] concert to learn how to dance.
:'''Butt-head''': They'd get their butts slammed around.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, they'd get their butts kicked. And if I was there, I'd start kicking that one guy in the nads.

===[[w:Mercyful Fate|Mercyful Fate]], &quot;The Bellwitch&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, it's the Turdburgler!
:'''Butt-head''': You mean the [[w:Hamburglar|Hamburglar]], dude.
:'''Beavis''': No, he's a Turdburgler!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Look at this dumbass! How come he's the only one wearing make-up?
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, him and the band all got together and stuff, and said, &quot;Okay, man, tomorrow, we're gonna wear some really scary scary makeup tomorrow, and it's gonna be really cool. We're gonna kick some ass.&quot; But then this dumbass was the only one stupid enough to do it!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. The other dudes were probably, like, &quot;You put makeup on? You dumbass, we were just joking!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, this is horrible.
:'''Beavis''': Um…don't say that, Butt-head. I kinda feel sorry for these guys.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! If I had a mic like that, it's like, I'd stick a mic into every end, so I'd have like four mics, and then I'd be four times as loud.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…no you wouldn't. You can only sing into one end at a time, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': Not if I spun it around really fast.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, it doesn't matter how fast you'd spin it around; you'd still only be singing into one mic at a time. 
:'''Beavis''': No, no, Butt-head, I mean, I'm talking about - I'd like roll it around REALLY fast. I mean like just REALLY fast. [''high-pitched groaning'']. Like that.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…yeah, I guess that might work.

===[[Metallica]]===
====&quot;[[w:For Whom the Bell Tolls (Metallica song)|For Whom the Bell Tolls]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yes!  Yes, yes!  ROCK!  ROCK!
:'''Butt-head''': Sit your ass down, [[w:Lars Ulrich|Lars]].  Play the drums like you're supposed to.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. Check it out, I was at this concert, coming up here, Lars points to me. [''Lars Ulrich points at the crowd''] See?  He's said, &quot;There's Beavis&quot;, see? And there I am, right there!  See?
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you've never been to a concert in your life.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  Your mom's a slut!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, Metallica sucks.  And you've never made out with a chick, either.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  Shut up! [''the two can be seen hitting each other'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That [[w:James Hetfield|James Hetfield]] dude looks like the [[w:Cowardly Lion|Cowardly Lion]].
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! He kicks ass!
:'''Butt-head''': The Cowardly Lion sucked, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': I was talking about James Hetfield! He rules!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': YES! YES! Metallica rules!
:'''Butt-head''': Not really, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! Just because you say something doesn't rule doesn't mean it doesn't…uh…yeah! Butthole!
:'''Butt-head''': I know. It sucks.
:'''Beavis''': If you say one more thing about Metallica I'm gonna slam you in the nads!
:'''Butt-head''': Go on with your bad self, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the camera is focused on a close-up on James Hetfield's nose'']
:'''Butt-head''': See, look inside this dude's nose.
:'''Beavis''': I know. It's cool. Dumbass
:'''Butt-head''': Well, boogers and stuff are pretty cool, but the hair isn't very cool.
:'''Beavis''': I dunno. I think it's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but it's like, if you wanna rule, you gotta be cool, like, all the time, like, even when you're taking a dump and stuff, like [[w:GWAR|GWAR]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh. I wasn't saying they were as cool as GWAR. But they still rule! They rule! They rule! They kick ass!

====&quot;[[w:One (Metallica song)|One]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': What's this?
:'''Butt-head''': You should know, buttmunch. This is Metallica.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, YEAH!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''commenting on the rather clean and slow intro'']
:'''Beavis''': This part of the song sucks, but it gets cool later.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': It starts going, &quot;Dududududuh! Darkness! Imprisoning me! I cannot live! I cannot die!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis! You're beginning to piss me off.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Lars Ulrich|Lars]] is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Isn't he that dude on that [[w:The Addams Family|Addams Family]]?
:'''Butt-head''': You're thinking of [[w:Lurch (The Addams Family)|Lurch]], dumbass! Lars could kick Lurch's butt.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. He could kick [[w:Cousin Itt|Cousin Itt]]'s butt too.
:'''Butt-head''': Does Cousin Itt have a butt?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. [''jabbers like Cousin Itt'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''imitating Lurch''] Uhhh, you rang, [[w:Morticia Addams|Mrs. Addams]], uhhh?
:'''Beavis''': Heh heh, that was pretty funny, Butt-head.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the music starts becoming more metallic'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yes! Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Yes! Metallica rules!
:'''Butt-head''': They rule.
:'''Beavis''': [''singing along''] Dunununuh! Dunununuh! Darkness! Imprisoning me! I cannot live! I cannot die!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Oh. Sorry, man.

===[[w:MGMT|MGMT]]===
====&quot;[[w:It's Working|It's Working]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, this is like, those instructions you get when you try to buy a bed at [[w:IKEA|IKEA]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah. The bed shouldn't have instructions. Except for like, &quot;sleep&quot; and &quot;get it on.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really. That's why I stole this couch.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… remember when you were little and your mom tried to lose you at IKEA?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah! She's like, um… &quot;just lay down and take a nap right here, Beavis. Everything's gonna be fine.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': And then she couldn't find her way out and kept running into you again.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, she wanted to go to Las Vegas with the bikers.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. They finally found her fighting in the parking lot.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. And then they made me, um, go live with that family, um… [[w:Foster care|the Fosters.]] Yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''The drummer appears wearing a [[w:sombrero|sombrero]]'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… is that a lesbian or a Mexican?
:'''Beavis''': Um… you're not supposed to say those words, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… really?
:'''Beavis''': Remember that guidance counselor came and told us that those were both bad words?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… oh yeah. He said those words were like, intolerable or something.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… I think this is a diagram that shows how the butt works.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's the digestive system of a lesbian. I mean, uh, oh. Dammit.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! They gave a poopsicle to that kid!

====&quot;Kids&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, is this 16 and Pregnant?
:'''Beavis''': No no no no.  I've seen all of those.  Plus she already has a baby, so this is probably, um, Teen Mom season 3!  I've seen all of seasons 1 and 2!
:'''Butt-head''': She's a lousy mom.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Is this Florida?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh… [''monsters and zombie-looking people around''] Yup, that's Florida.  Florida sucks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She made this little kid cry just so he could be in this video.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah that's messed up.  What kind of parent would let their kid be in this video?!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! They're like, &quot;Okay son, now there's gonna be some scary monsters, and some creepy people putting their hands on you, but you should be able to handle it because you're like…uh, one and a half.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Yeah, you're one now!  It's time you start pulling your weight around here!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Butt-head, that kid has the exact same shorts and shoes that you do.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, oh yeah. He looks cool! He should get like a gray t-shirt with [[AC/DC]] on it, then he would kick ass.

===[[w:The Mighty Mighty Bosstones|The Mighty Mighty Bosstones]], &quot;[[w:Detroit Rock City|Detroit Rock City]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Okay, here we go, another video.  Line 'em up.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:[''a car peels out'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, peel out!  Burn rubber, yeah!  Tear aaassssss!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''two young men with long hair go inside a house'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, fight!  Fight!  Fight!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, hit him!
:[''a pumpkin is shown on their doorstep'']
:'''Beavis''': Kick the pumpkin!  Check it out, these hippies are gonna smash the pumpkin.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no.  Hippies never break stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Um, what about that [[w:Gallagher (comedian)|Gallagher]] dude?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  He's, like, really irritating, and he's not very funny.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, really.
:'''Butt-head''': But then it's pretty cool because he starts smashing stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, you have to sit through all this stuff that doesn't make any sense, and it's like, he starts breaking stuff and, like, throwing stuff at the audience.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the young men start vandalizing vehicles'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...that's good, shaving cream on the van.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Throwing eggs, very nice.  M hm.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the young men throw rolls of toilet paper over a tree'']
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, I don't understand toilet papering someone's house.  It's like, you're just doing 'em a favor.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.  I wish someone would toilet paper ''my'' house.  I've been wiping my butt with newspaper for about a month!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I've been using this washcloth.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, I've been using that same washcloth, yeah.

===[[w:Milla Jovovich|Milla]], &quot;Gentlemen Who Fell&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': This chick looks familiar.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. She was in that movie.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, that movie…it was the second one. The [[w:Return to the Blue Lagoon|second one]] of that [[The Blue Lagoon|first one]] where that dude was choking his chicken on that rock.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''A very brief image of most of Milla's bare butt appears'']
:'''Beavis''': OH MY GOD! DID YOU SEE THAT?! 
:'''Butt-head''': I sure did. And it was cool.
:'''Beavis''': I've never seen anything like that on TV. She was rubbing her butt!
:'''Butt-head''': This kicks ass!
:'''Beavis''': AAH, OH MY GOD! SHE'S STARK RAVING NAKED!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! You could see everything!
:'''Beavis''': Oh boy, this is exciting! This is action-packed!
:'''Butt-head''': I like this song.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, it's [[w:Death (personification)|Death]]!
:'''Beavis''': If Death came over to my house, I'd just, like, kick him in the nads and run away.
:'''Butt-head''': Death doesn't have nads, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': I bet his sack, like, shrivelled up like a little raisin.
:'''Butt-head''': [''shudders''] Ugh! That's disgusting, Beavis!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That spider's gonna do her.
:'''Beavis''': No way, really?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, she's naked again!
:'''Beavis''': Ooh yeah! Whoa, you can see her rump!
:'''Butt-head''': Her what?
:'''Beavis''': Her rump!
:'''Butt-head''': You mean her butt, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': No, no, her rump. That's the part off to the side.
:'''Butt-head''': It's called a butt, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, I'm sorry. I just get tired of saying &quot;butt&quot; sometimes.  I thought I'd throw rump in.

===[[w:Ministry (band)|Ministry]], &quot;[[w:Just One Fix|Just One Fix]]&quot;===
:[''A tornado is shown on screen'']
:'''Butt-head''': Now we're getting somewhere!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Now we're getting sonewhere.
:'''Butt-head''': Even [[William S. Burroughs|the old dude]] is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': I like the tornado.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Almost everything in this video is cool.
:'''Butt-head''': What do you mean, almost? What else do you want?
:'''Beavis''': Um, well, it would be pretty cool, like, if somebody puked.
:[''A guy in the video is about to throw up in a sink'']
:'''Butt-head''': So let it be done. No Way, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': AARGHH! That was disgusting!
:'''Butt-head''': You asked for it, dude.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but I didn't ask for blood in it. That was beyond the limits of good taste.

===[[Kylie Minogue]], &quot;[[w:The Loco-Motion|The Loco-Motion]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  It's [[w:Barbie|Barbie]]!
:'''Beavis''':  Yeah.  They oughta get some dude without a wiener to play [[w:Ken (Barbie)|Ken]].
:'''Butt-head''': Why don't you go for it, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This chick has more teeth than most people.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Bite me!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She looks like that chick in the mall.
:'''Beavis''': Chicken what?
:'''Butt-head''': That chick in the mall!
:'''Beavis''': That chicken?  What do you mean?
:'''Butt-head''': No, asswipe!  I'm talking about that chick!
:'''Beavis''': Oh, you mean that chick that works at [[w:Chick-fil-A|Chick-fil-A]]?  That chicken place?
:'''Butt-head''': What's your problem, Beavis?  I'm not talking about chicken!  Pull your thumb out of your ear and put it back in your butt!
:'''Beavis''':  Shut up, Butt-head!  You did talk about chicken!  You said that chicken mall!
:'''Butt-head''': I said that ''chick in the mall''!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video is upbeat. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  It makes me want to get up and beat it.
:'''Butt-head''':  You said &quot;up.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This makes me feel good.
:'''Beavis''': This ''video''?
:'''Butt-head''': No.  This! [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Missing Persons (band)|Missing Persons]], &quot;Words&quot;===
:'''[[w:Dale Bozzio|Dale Bozzio]]''': Do you hear me?
:'''Beavis''': [''Mocking''] Do you hear me? 
:'''Dale Bozzio''':  Do you care?
:'''Butt-head''': Do I care? No!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I don't care! Hell, I just don't care about anything!

===[[w:Moist (band)|Moist]], &quot;Push&quot;===
:[''The lead singer is tapping the side of his head'']
:'''Butt-head''': He's thinking.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, I see. It's like, you tap yourself on the side of the head to think. I see. I haven't tried that.
:'''Lead Singer''': (singing in a low voice) A little bit more than I could…ever want, A little bit more than you could…ever say.
:'''Butt-head''': This guy pronounces words weird.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. [''mocking the singer''] A little bit more than you could ever say. [''normal voice''] Heh, heh, heh. [''mocking the singer again''] Fade away, fade away. [''normal voice''] What kind of an accent is that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think that's the way they talk in like, Wussylvania.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. And I was like thinking he was from California.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''during the guitar solo'']
:'''Beavis''': What's that dude's problem?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, it's like, he's a little too into the music.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. It's kind of embarrassing.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. The other dudes in the band are probably going &quot;Uh, god, I wish he wouldn't do that&quot;.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the lead singer is grabbing another member by the jaw'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, what's he doing?
:'''Beavis''': He's like, &quot;come on, come on, open it up, come on, gimme my damn candy bar back, I wasn't done yet, I was saving that for after the video, spit it out!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': That was stupid, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': I thought it was kinda funny. You know, like, you know…
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, stop trying to be funny.

===[[w:Monster Magnet|Monster Magnet]], &quot;Negasonic Teenage Warhead&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, I know I talk about turds a lot, but boy, these things really look like turds.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I talk a lot about turds too, Beavis. Don't worry about it.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, okay. Poop!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Uranus|Uranus]] is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, thanks! My anus is pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': [''Gets ticked off and slaps Beavis on the chin''] Damn it, Beavis, shut up! I was talking about the planet!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Check it out! A flying [[w:Pop-Tarts|Poop-tart]]! They oughta make that, like poop-tarts, like when they pop out of the toaster, they go POOP!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''seeing some guys in a car drive under a giant woman'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, stop the car dude!
:'''Beavis''': I just thought of something. You know what would be funny is if while they were driving under that girl like that, y'know, since they have a convertible, it would have been funny if she pooped on them.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, okay Beavis, that's enough about poop.
:'''Beavis''': Okay. I'll just talk about [[w:urine|wee-wee]]. Tinkle tinkle tinkle!

===[[w:Morbid Angel|Morbid Angel]], &quot;God of Emptiness&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, look, it's another one of those heavy metal [[w:music videos|videos]] with a naked dude all curled up on the floor.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the lead singer roars'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa. Was that a bear?
:'''Beavis''': Um, heh. [''Beavis imitates the singer''] BLEAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! Yeah, I think so.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, beavis, it's that dude from [[The Andy Griffith Show|Andy of Mayberry]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. You mean [[w:Barney Fife|Barney]]? [''imitates [[w:Don Knotts|Don Knotts]]''] Well, Andy, I'm gonna go over to [[w:Mount Pilot|Mount Pilot]] and worship Satan.
:'''Butt-head''': That doesn't sound like him, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, I just thought of something. [[w:Goober Pyle|Goober]] spelled backwards is &quot;booger&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. That's cool. So, like, um, what's booger spelled backwards?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, lets see. Uhhh…I dunno.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is where it starts to get really stupid. [''imitates the singer''] Bow to me, faithfully…
:'''Beavis''': Bow to me…uh…
:'''Butt-head''': Bow to me faithfully.
:'''Beavis''': Bow to me faithfully…
:'''Beavis &amp; Butt-head''': [''in unison''] Bow to me faithfully.
:'''Butt-head''': Bow to me splendidly…
:'''Beavis''': Bow to me splendidly? What does that mean?

===[[w:Morphine (band)|Morphine]], &quot;Honey White&quot;===
:[''a beehive is shown onscreen'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! [''imitates bees humming''] Nyayayayayayaya!! Bees are cool. Nyaaayyayayayaya!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out! It's [[Jon Stewart]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He's horny.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It's like, he's the horniest talk show dude on TV.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but it's like, he shouldn't try to be in a band like this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I mean this is okay, you know, it's nothing special though. He should just do his TV show.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but you know what he should do? He should get rid of all that other stuff on his show, and just have the whole show be like, him trying to pick up a chick. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, like he would bring out a chick with big hooters, maybe like this one right here, and he just sits there and tries to score. That would be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That would rule!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Dammit. I wish they'd show those bees again. Bees kick ass. [''imitates bees humming''] Nyayayayaya!! Bees rule!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Mark Sandman|Mark Sandman]]''': I like to see a little more fat.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I'd like to see a little more fat too! That's the best part. It's like, whenever I'm eating some meat, I'd just eat all the fat and leave the rest. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I like to make a fat sandwich sometimes. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! A little mayonnaise, a little salt…it rules!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman in the video is spinning around'']
:'''Butt-head''': Cool. Look what she's doing.
:'''Beavis''': I do that sometimes, too. It helps me fall asleep.
:'''Butt-head''': You mean 'cause it like, tires you out or something?
:'''Beavis''': No. Not really, no. It's like, I just spin around until I get really dizzy, then I like, fall down and bang my head on something, and then I just go to sleep. Works every time.
:'''Butt-head''': You're pretty cool sometimes, Beavis.

===[[Morrissey]], &quot;[[w:November Spawned a Monster|November Spawned a Monster]]&quot;===
:[''Beavis sees Morrissey dressed in an unbuttoned fishnet shirt and then spits his soda all over Butt-head'']
:'''Butt-head''': Watch it, Beavis! I know this sucks, but that doesn't mean you have to spit on me.
:'''Beavis''': You're lucky I didn't ''barf'' on you. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': He's trying to hump a rock.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that would be cool if he like, pulled it down, and it crushed him. Yeah, yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Did you see that? He had a band-aid on one of his boobs.
:'''Beavis''': Really? Why?
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe he's like, trying to shave the hair off of his chest, and--
:'''Beavis''': OW! Don't say stuff like that, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Why not, Beavis? It's like he shaved his nipple off.
:'''Beavis''': OW! OW! Stop it!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is really beginning to piss me off, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really!
:'''Butt-head''': Get off the ground and stop whining, you wuss!
:'''Beavis''': Get up! Get up, stand up straight, and quit acting like a wuss! Quit whining, go out and get a job and some good clothes!
:'''Butt-head''': You tell him, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah! And another thing, stay away from those rocks!

===[[w:Mötley Crüe|Mötley Crüe]]===
====&quot;[[w:Dr. Feelgood (song)|Dr. Feelgood]]&quot;====
:[''video opens in a field, zooming in towards a tent'']
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': YES!
:'''Butt-head''': Hey!  Somebody pitched a tent.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Now this is feel-good music.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This video tells a message.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  The message is: [[w:Vince Neil|Vince Neil]] is a wuss.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That guy from [[w:Danzig (band)|Danzig]] could kick his ass.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vince Neil''': He's the one they call Dr. Feelgood...
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  What does &quot;Dr. Feelgood&quot; mean?
:'''Butt-head''': That's, like, when the doctor makes you cough, and he puts his fingers on your nads.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah?  You don't have a female doctor, do you, Beavis?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video has fire, and cars...
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And tattoos, and leather.
:'''Butt-head''': Now all it needs is some chicks.  Then it would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Tommy Lee kicks a flaming drum'']
:'''Beavis''': Fire!  Fire!  Fire!
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This isn't as cool as ''[[w:Scarface (1983 film)|Scarface]]''.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Hooligan's Holiday|Hooligan's Holiday]]&quot;====
:[''a mouth is shown behind an open zipper'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  There's, like, a mouth in those pants!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I think it's your mom.
:'''Beavis''': Really?  I don't think that's ''her,'' Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, your mom's a road slut.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but not with Mötley Crüe.  She like, hangs out with bands like [[w:Foghat|Foghat]] and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': She's a slut.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  My mom's a slut!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is that that Howard Stern dude singing?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, yeah!  That's that dude with the tiny wiener!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''John Corabi''': Hooligan's holiday...
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Bennigan|Bennigan's]] holiday?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I thought they were open all the time.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Someday, like, when I have a lot of money, I'm gonna go eat at Bennigan's.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  That would be cool.  I heard they got, like, chicks in referee outfits.

===[[w:The Murmurs|The Murmurs]], &quot;You Suck&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um, um...hmm.  Is this a diaper commercial?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...no, this is a [[w:Douche|douche]] commercial.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  Ahh, that's funny, douche.  [''cackles''] What is douche, anyways, like, how does it work?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I don't know.  I think chicks use it, like, when they get that not-so-fresh feeling.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  I think it helps them, like, go horseback riding and like, go down to the beach and stuff like that, too.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': I wonder how come they don't have a douche for guys.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, that would rule!  'Cause like, sometimes, you know, I feel like, you, not so fresh.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, maybe if you'd wash your butt once in a while.
:'''Beavis''': Um...
:'''Butt-head''': And I'm not talking about washing your ''whole'' butt -- I'm talking about washing your butt''hole''. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Murmurs''': And for that, you suck...
:'''Beavis''': Um...they just said you suck. 
:'''Butt-head''': No they didn't, they said ''you'' sucked.  They ripped off my idea for a song.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And you, like, already ripped off the idea for ''me'', bunghole.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, do you remember what I told you about trying to be funny?
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, that I shouldn't?
:'''Butt-head''': That's right.  Now sit there and shut up.  Nutsack. 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Wait wait wait, I think I can see something. I THINK I CAN SEE THE SIDE OF HER BOOB!
:'''Butt-head''': I think that's just a koala bear.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Sorry. You know something? I wish these girls were naked, and um, I wish they were right here without any clothes on, and I wish I was grabbing their butt, and that's about it.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...well alright, then.

===[[w:Mutha's Day Out|Mutha's Day Out]], &quot;Locked&quot;===
:''[the video opens on an extreme close-up of someone's eye superimposed over the video]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...well, there's a big eyeball.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, they need more big eyeballs in videos, like a big pile of eyeballs.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. What is all this stuff?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. It's like, they're running through the grass, and then there's like, a house.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Whatever happened to chicks with big thingies and cleavage and stuff like that?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Seems like they don't do that anymore.
:'''Butt-head''': These guys need to spend more time with sluts.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. These guys aren't filthy enough.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, are there like two lead singers for this band?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah. So what?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah but it's like, there's this dude, like, in overalls, and then there's this other dude.
:'''Butt-head''': So what, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I dunno, I just thought like, y'know, if there's two lead singers, it's like, y'know, that's something.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, somebody's talking.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, what is that? I hate it when people talk over videos.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, there's some guy going...''[mutters incoherent gibberish]''
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, at least if they're gonna talk, like, break something and like, y'know, just do something.
:'''Butt-head''': Either follow or lead or get off the pot.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. Get off the toilet!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are like a cross between like, [[w:Stone Temple Pilots|Stone Temple Pilots]] and like, just a bunch of regular guys.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. It's kind of like they're a cross between the Stone Temple Pilots and those dudes on [[w:Hee Haw|Hee Haw]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. ''[sings]'' You met another and...''[farts]'' ...you was gone.''
:'''Beavis''': That was pretty good, Butt-head.

===[[w:My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult|My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult]], &quot;Blue Buddha&quot;===
:[''a man's cheeks are shown flapping'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Did you see that guy's cheeks?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  That was cool.  I've seen that, like, in a bunch of other videos, too.  I can get my cheeks to do that, like, if I eat a lot of peas.
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis, I've never seen you do that!
:'''Beavis''': No, I'm talking about my buttcheeks.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': They should put ''that'' in every video.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  That would be cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  What ''is'' all that stuff?
:'''Butt-head''': All ''what'' stuff?
:'''Beavis''': I don't know, all th - all this crap in this video, what is all this stuff?  It's like...it's like, there's these...people, and then there's this stuff and, like, candles, and...and like, all this out-of-focus crap.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh...just the usual bunch of crap they ''always'' have on.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, is that what that is?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think this song is called &quot;Blue Buddha.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Is that, like, when you get a blue veiner?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Sometimes I wake up with a blue Buddha.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  This chick's giving me a blue Buddha right now.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Pull up your pants, cut it out!

==N==
===[[w:Napalm Death|Napalm Death]], &quot;[[w:Plague Rages|Plague Rages]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, something's wrong.  It's like, it doesn't look like this guy would have this kind of voice.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's like, it doesn't look like that kind of voice would, like, come out of that guy, you know what I'm saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It looks like it might come out of his butt.
:'''Beavis''': Um, actually um, I was thinking like, it looks like this kind of voice, like, would come out of [[w:Godzilla|Godzilla]], or maybe it'd, like, it would come out of ''Godzilla's'' butt.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  If it ''did'' come out of Godzilla's butt, that would be a good video.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a decomposed horse is seen in the video'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa look, check it out Butt-head, it's a dead horse!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Remember that time we found that dead horse?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  We like, ran and jumped right on his stomach, and then like, all that gunk shot out of his butt.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That was cool.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  That was sad.  Can you imagine if Godzilla was dead?  Can you imagine all the stuff that would fly out of his butt?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.

===[[w:Me'shell Ndegéocello|Me'shell Ndegéocello]], &quot;If That's Your Boyfriend (He Wasn't Last Night)&quot;===
:'''Girl in video''': I feel like such an ass.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I feel like an ass too. Beavis, go out and get me an ass, please. 
:'''Beavis''': Okay. Would you like some boobs to go with that ass too?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a different girl in the music video screams'']
:'''Beavis''': AAH! What was that? What's going on?!
:'''Butt-head''': You wuss! That's just a chick screaming.
:'''Beavis''': They should warn you if they're gonna do that crap, dammit.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! This song's about like, some chick doing it with like, some other chick's boyfriend.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! That's pretty harsh.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. So like, this chick will only do yo if you like, already have a girlfriend…?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! A lot of chicks are like that. They don't wanna go out with you unless you already have a girlfriend…but like, you can't get a girlfriend because you don't have a girlfriend…so it's like…[[w:Frustration|struss-frating]]. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Dammit, what's going on here? This chick is talking! Is this a commercial or a video? What is this?!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, just shut up, and like…[[w:Free Your Mind|free your mind]] or something.
:'''Beavis''': I wanna know what it is…like, I can't pay attention to this!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, can't you just like…cool out and listen?
:'''Beavis''': Dammit Butt-head, what kind of crap are you talking? You sound like a damn hippie!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that. I'm not gonna smack you today.

===[[w:Ned's Atomic Dustbin|Ned's Atomic Dustbin]], &quot;All I Ask of Myself Is That I Hold It Together&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': ''Maps''.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, remember that time that guy came into Burger World 'cause he was lost? And you, like, drew a map with, like, ketchup and french fries and pickles!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. I was just making stuff up!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you were like, &quot;Okay, you see, you go right down here and then you turn left, and then see this pickle, this is like a big building&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He believed me!
:'''Beavis''': He was like goin': &quot;Uh huh, okay, uh hmm&quot;.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, you know like sometimes when we get rides home, you know it's like, a lot of dude's, and they're all stuffed in the back seat like that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah?
:'''Beavis''': Um, is it normal to get wood?
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you boner popping pervert! It's not even normal to ask!
:'''Beavis''': Oh, okay!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, is this a demolition derby?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah! I think it is. Demolition derbies kick ass!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeeeeeaaaaahhhh! Y'know, I can't think of anything, that kicks as much ass, as a demolition derby! Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Does your mom still go out to Sunset Speedway and watch those?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah! &quot;SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY! SUNSET SPEEDWAY PRESENTS THE DUKES OF DIRT, DERBYYYYY! THE BARONS OF FAST, THE KINGS OF CRASH, IT'S A SMASH UP DERBY SPECTACULAR, WITH CHILLS, THRILLS, AND BONE CRUNCHING SPILLS! Ticket price pays for the whole seat, BUT YOU'LL ONLY NEED THE EEEEDDDDDDGGGEEEE! WHHHHAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis. Your voice is too high to do that. [''in a very high pitched voice''] &quot;''Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!''&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, butthole! Check this out, [''in a deeper voice''] &quot;Sunday, Sunday, Sundaaayyyy!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': You have a high voice, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': SHUT UP, Butt-head, I don't talk like that!

===[[w:Nelson (band)|Nelson]], &quot;[[w:(Can't Live Without Your) Love and Affection|(Can't Live Without Your) Love and Affection]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': These chicks look like guys.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That one's not wearing a bra.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head.  I heard that these chicks' grandpa is Ozzy Osbourne.
:'''Butt-head''': No way, asswipe.  They're Elvis' kids!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I get the one on the left.  You get the ugly one.  [changes channel]

===[[w:Vince Neil|Vince Neil]], &quot;Sister of Pain&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  Cool!  Fire!  Fire!  Fire!
:'''Butt-head''': What's wrong with you, Beavis?  This sucks!  Just because you have fire in your video doesn't mean you're cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but like, the fire itself is pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis!  Vince Neil's a wuss!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Mötley Crüe|Mötley Crüe]] fired this dude.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They fired him.  Fire!  Fire!  Fire!  Fire!
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Tommy Lee|Tommy Lee]] should have shoved that drumstick up his butt!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  That would be cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman in a metallic colored bra is shown dancing'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That chick's got metal pointy things on her boobs.  ''That's'' pretty cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vince Neil''': She's a knockdown, drag it out, lick it up, do it again...
:'''Beavis''': She's a knockdown, drag it out, pick it up, do it again.
:'''Butt-head''': What does that mean?  Who writes this crap?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  It sucks!

===[[w:New Kids on the Block|New Kids on the Block]], &quot;[[w:Hangin' Tough (song)|Hangin' Tough]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, Beavis.  It's those dudes on Stewart's lunchbox.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video needs, like, more explosions and close-ups of butts.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They should have somebody come out and start kicking these guys!  That would be cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  They could kick 'em!  And punch 'em, too!  Like [[w:Ice Cube|Ice Cube]]!  He could come out and kick all these guys!  That would be cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''New Kids on the Block''': Just hangin' tough...
:'''Butt-head''': He said &quot;hangin'.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:Nine Inch Nails|Nine Inch Nails]]===
====&quot;[[w:Head Like a Hole|Head Like a Hole]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': [[Head]]. Huh-huh, huh-huh. These guys are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].

====&quot;[[w:March of the Pigs|March of the Pigs]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Those drums sound [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. [''imitates drum sound'']
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis! I wonder what that drummer's listening to.
:'''Beavis''': He's probably listening to [[Pantera]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Okay dude, get started. Put down your arms and start singing!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''[[Trent Reznor]] starts singing'']
:'''Beavis''': Yes! Yes!
:'''Butt-head''': Rock! [''Beavis and Butt-head do their signature headbanging'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Where do these guys get these shiny pants?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. I went into a store once and asked for some shiny pants, and they kicked my ass out of there.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I think you like just take regular pants and you like, have them shined.
:'''Beavis''': Oh really? But I do shine my pants.
:'''Butt-head''': You said [[w:douche|douche]].
:'''Beavis''': Really? Oh yeah. I douche-ine my pants.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''during the [[w:Bridge (music)|bridge]] of the song''] This part of the song sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.
:'''Butt-head''': These guys need to just concentrate on rocking.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. Rock! Rock!
:'''Butt-head''': [''bridge of song ends''] Yeah. That's more like it.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah! There you go.
:'''Butt-head''': This guy keeps on like, stumbling around and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, I don't think he's having a very good day.
:'''Butt-head''': I think he's just drunk off his ass.
:'''Beavis''': [''Reznor presses against keyboard''] Hey, get your hand off his keyboard, butthole!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. These guys need to practice more.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. They weren't very well prepared for this video.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''farts towards the quiet end of song'']
:'''Beavis''': Thank you very much, we're Nine Inch Nails.
:'''Butt-head''': Good night!

====&quot;[[w:Wish (Nine Inch Nails song)|Wish]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': How come all these [[w:music videos|videos]] have [[w:cage|cages]] in them?
:'''Beavis''': Because they're [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Butt-head''': This is like a [[w:zoo|zoo]], where they keep cool people.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis, do you have a nine-inch nail?
:'''Butt-head''': This is pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, [[w:Nail (fastener)|nails]] are cool.

===[[Nirvana (band)|Nirvana]]===
::''See also: Nirvana, [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience#&quot;I Hate Myself And Want To Die&quot; by Nirvana|&quot;I Hate Myself And Want To Die&quot;]], ''[[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience]]'' (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 1.''
====&quot;[[w:Heart-Shaped Box|Heart-Shaped Box]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!  Nirvarna rules.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  This is cool!  But, um, I mean, you know, this is cool and everything, but it's like, uh, this video's been giving me nightmares, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!  I wish I had nightmares about this video.
:'''Beavis''': Um, no you don't, Butt-head, these are pretty scary.  It's like, I had this dream that I'm, like, [[w:Santa Claus|Santa Claus]], and I'm, like, on a cross, and there's these crows, like, picking at me.  AAAHHH!!
:'''Butt-head''': That's cool!
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the song's chorus plays'']
:'''Butt-head''': This part rules.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Rock!  ROCK!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  You know the bass player in this band?  He looks just like a regular guy.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  If you just saw him at school, he'd probably like, you know, get his ass kicked.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman is shown wearing a fat suit and angel wings'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check this out.  It's like, [[w:Kurt Cobain|he]] pulls his hair out of his eyes, but then it just falls back in his eyes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah?  So what?  You got a problem with that?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the band is shown in a room with lit-up star lights all over the walls'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out!  That room is cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': I think that's [[w:Kurt Cobain|Kurt Cobain]]'s bedroom.  I'm gonna get my room set up like that, with all, like, lit-up stars and stuff, and then like, uh, it's gonna be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': No you're not!  You're never gonna get your room fixed up like that, and you're never gonna score.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up!
:'''Butt-head''': You're just gonna sit around for the rest of your life, spanking your monkey.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  I am too gonna fix my room up!  Butthole!

====&quot;[[w:Smells Like Teen Spirit|Smells Like Teen Spirit]]&quot;&lt;!--The video is mislabelled onscreen as &quot;Teen Spirit&quot;.--&gt;====
:'''Beavis''': Yes!
:'''Butt-head''': This kicks butt! [[Nirvana (band)|Nivarna]] is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''upon seeing the old janitor featured in the music video''] Beavis's dad!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this, like, [[w:Grunge|grudge]] music?
:'''Beavis''': Grudge music is that stuff those guys from [[w:Seattle|Seattle]] play.  Where ''is'' Seattle?  Hey Butt-head, where's Seattle?
:'''Butt-head''': You don't know?  It's this place where, like, stuff is, like, really cool.
:'''[[w:Kurt Cobain|Kurt Cobain]]''': Hello, hello, hello, how low...
:'''Beavis''': Hello?  Hello?  Hello, may I help you?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  What ''is'' teen spirit?
:'''Butt-head''': Dude, if you don't know, ''I'm'' not gonna tell you.  Dumbass.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look, this video has cymbals.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Is that what they mean when they say videos have [[w:Symbolism|cymbalism]]?
:'''Butt-head''': [''laughs''] You said &quot;ism&quot;!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Pep rallies suck.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.

===[[w:Nitzer Ebb|Nitzer Ebb]], &quot;Fun to Be Had&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hi. I'm your tour guide. Welcome to Wuss Gardens.
:'''Beavis''': It was here that [[George Washington]] first chopped off his wiener. And then he lied.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Nitzer Ebb''': An anchor!
:'''Butt-head''': [''mocking their accents''] Like an ankaa.
:'''Beavis''': Like an ankaa!
:'''Butt-head''': An ankaa.
:'''Beavis''': It's pronounced anchor! Anchor! Can you say that? Err! Err! Dumbass. Ank-err!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Nitzer Ebb''': What you say should be from your own mind…
:'''Butt-head''': What you say should be from your own mind? That's stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah really, because like, sometimes I can't hear all those voices in my mind, you know, and…wait a minute, Butt-head, I'm getting something. Mm-hm? Yeah? Butt-head, I have to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back. [''exits, jabbers in Cornholio-style gibberish'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis! Come here! This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Hang on a second, I'll be right out! [''jabbers in Cornholio-style gibberish'']

===[[w:Mojo Nixon|Mojo Nixon]], &quot;Elvis is Everywhere&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Uh oh. I think it's one of those TV preachers.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, you'd better not send him all our money again.
:'''Beavis''': Sometimes I can't help myself. It's like, I start going &quot;I know that's right. Hallelujah.&quot; And then I'm on the phone, and I'm like, &quot;Yeah, yeah, here's all my money!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but it's like, you send him all your money and you're still just a dumbass with a lot of problems.
:'''Beavis''': Hey, you're right. [''angry''] Dammit! I got ripped off!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mojo Nixon''': [[Elvis Presley|Elvis]] is in your jeans!
:'''Butt-head''': Elvis  is in our jeans?
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, check this out...Elvis has ''left'' my jeans!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, if you pull down your pants one more time, I'm gonna beat the living crap outta you!
:'''Beavis''': Heh heh, oh. Okay. [''imitating Elvis''] Thank you very much, thank you very much.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, while you were fiddling with your wiener, I think he said that Elvis is like, in [[Joan Rivers]].
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? That'd be cool. [''imitating Joan Rivers''] Can we talk? I've got Elvis inside me!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, that doesn't sound anything like her.
:'''Beavis''': Oh. [''imitating Elvis''] Thank you very much, thank you very much.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, Butt-head, go-karts!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Go-karts rule. 
:'''Beavis''': When I'm old, instead of a car, I'm gonna have a go-kart! [''imitates an engine''] Brrrrrffffftttt!!!

===[[w:Nudeswirl|Nudeswirl]]===
====&quot;Buffalo&quot;====
:[''video opens with a long object in the dark'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, what the hell ''is'' that?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah, what the hell ''was'' that?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Shane Green''': You sacrifice all the things and you won't care.
:'''Butt-head''': What?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, what did he say??
:'''Shane Green:''': Sit them out on the edge of the river.
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head, I think I understood something he said!  I - I think he said &quot;river&quot;!  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Good ear, Beavis.  So like, this song must be about, like, this river.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, y - yeah.  [''buffalo horns are shown''] Whoa, was that a buffalo?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh...I think it's a wolf.
:'''Beavis''': A buffalo could kick a wolf's ass, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis...
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh?
:'''Butt-head''': ...wolves ''eat'' buffalo!
:'''Beavis''': Hmm.
:'''Butt-head''': That's what they do for a living.
:'''Beavis''': Hmm.  I'm not gonna argue with you, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': And Morrissey could probably kick a buffalo's ass.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.  Buffalo rule!  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Shane Green''': Die like hell, but you know you should care...
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, I...I just heard another word!  I think he said &quot;two&quot;!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh huh.
:'''Beavis''': He said &quot;two,&quot; Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': That's not a word.  That's a number.
:'''Beavis''': Well, so what, I heard it.  Maybe there's, like, two buffalo.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Or maybe two wolves.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, Beavis.  There's a ''chick'' in a river.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, see?  See, so that's why he said &quot;river.&quot;

====&quot;F-Sharp&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': That would be [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]] if we had, like, [[w:garbage|garbage]] blowing around in the [[house]].

===[[Ted Nugent]], &quot;Heads Will Roll&quot;===
:[''a guillotine falls and blood spatters all over the screen'']
:'''Butt-head''': Ew! That was disgusting!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah really. That shouldn't show that kind of stuff on TV! Kids might be watching.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, it's that dude from [[w:Damn Yankees (band)|Damn Yankees]]!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. Once I saw on MTV News that this dude likes to take, like, a bow and arrow and go like, shoot animals with it.
:'''Beavis''': No way, really? Doesn't he get in trouble?
:'''Butt-head''': No, I think it's okay. I think he can do that because he's like one of those, uh…Republicans.
:'''Beavis''': Really? I wanna become a Republican! That would rule!
:'''Butt-head''': But then like, I think once you become a Republican, it's like, you don't score anymore.
:'''Beavis''': Oh well. I guess I'll just keep being a Mexican, then.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': They should chop other people's heads off in [[w:music videos|videos]]. That would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, like in that Neil Diamond video. That's where they should be doing this!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Ted Nugent's head is disembodied and is still alive'']
:'''Butt-head''': He's trying to look all scary.
:'''Beavis''': He's probably gonna go to jail someday.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, that was pretty good, I guess.
:'''Beavis''': At least it was gruesome.

===[[w:Gary Numan|Gary Numan]], &quot;[[w:Cars (song)|Cars]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Is this, like, [[w:David Bowie|David Bowie]]?
:'''Beavis''': No way.  I mean, this guy's a puss!  But it's a different puss.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This dude is [[w:Androgyny|andropynous]].
:'''Beavis''': You said &quot;penis.&quot;

==O==
===[[w:Sinead O'Connor|Sinead O'Connor]], &quot;[[w:Nothing Compares 2 U|Nothing Compares 2 U]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': This sucks.  Change it.
:'''Butt-head''': No way.  Check out this chick.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': If you sat on her head, would it scratch your butt?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  This sucks.  Change it.
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

===[[w:Odds (band)|Odds]], &quot;Heterosexual Man&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': These guys seem pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': If I was, like, old enough to drink and I was in a bar and I saw these guys, I'd sit down next to 'em and say, &quot;Hey, how's it goin', man?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  And then they'd kick your ass.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head, I could take these guys.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, right.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the band members are briefly shown naked or in their underwear'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  I could be wrong, but I think I saw a naked chick.
:'''Beavis''': Really?  You mean on the TV?
:'''Butt-head''': No, buttmunch!  ''In'' the TV.
:'''Beavis''': You mean, like, inside, like, where the tubes are and stuff?
:'''Butt-head''': What's your problem, Beavis?  Okay, look at the TV.  You see those guys?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': That's where I saw the naked chick!
:'''Beavis''': Um...but that's just a bunch of guys.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis!  Are you stupid?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:Oh Land|Oh Land]], &quot;White Nights&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': You like this.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! No I don't!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I just saw you tapping your foot.
:'''Beavis''': She's making me nervous! It's like, freaking me out. Sometimes I tap my foot when I'm nervous. And sometimes I, you know, hum along too.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! This is kinda freaky.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, see what I mean?
:'''Butt-head''': This is one of those art school chicks that like, you could score with them if you told them all their ideas were really good.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Yeah, that's probably how she made this video! Just like, got some rich guy, and told him all her ideas were really good, and he's like, &quot;ooh, yeah.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. She's like, &quot;uh… I want a unicorn, but then I'm gonna tear the horn off and put it on my head.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Ooh, very good! Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Have another drink and continue.
:'''Beavis''': And then, I also want my brother to tap dance. He's really good.
:'''Butt-head''': The rich guy's probably like, &quot;uh… these are all great ideas, but uh… I think it would be really like, uh, really empowering if you took off your clothes and jumped off a cliff.&quot; And he's like &quot;if you want, I can help you become a citizen.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I don't think I can help your brother though.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is why hot girls shouldn't keep a dream journal.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, boy.

===[[w:Oingo Boingo|Oingo Boingo]], &quot;[[w:Weird Science (song)|Weird Science]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''sees a female mannequin hanging from a rope''] That chick is really hung.
:'''Butt-head''': That wasn't funny!  Dumbass!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How come they didn't let that dude back in [[w:Duran Duran|Duran Duran]]?
:'''Beavis''': 'Cause he sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': This guy thinks he's, like, smart.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  College music sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': I think it's only cool if you, like, go to college.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video is like, complicated.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  It's stupid.

===[[w:Donny Osmond|Donny Osmond]], &quot;Sacred Emotion&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this one of those beer commercials?
:'''Beavis''': Yea, this is that one where that dude goes out in the desert, and then he opens up the beer and it starts snowing…..&quot;Step out of the old, and into the cold&quot;…
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…&quot;Nothing Beats a [[w:Budweiser (Anheuser-Busch)|Butt!]]&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How come Donny's the only dude with his shirt on?
:'''Beavis''': 'Cause he's a wuss. 
:'''Butt-head''': He probably has saggy pecs.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Did you know their dad, [[w:Lee Harvey Oswald|Lee Harvey Osmond]], like, [[w:Assassination of John F. Kennedy|killed one of the presidents]] or something?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and I heard the whole Osmond family is a bunch of morons!
:'''Butt-head''': That's Mormons, buttwipe! Those are those dudes that come up to your house in bicycles. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah! Is this the [[w:Mormon Tabernacle Choir|Moron Tabernacle Choir]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I hate this [[w:Mormon music|moron music]].

===[[Our Lady Peace]], &quot;Starseed&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey, check it out, it's those &quot;Black Hole Sun&quot; mountains!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. I heard about that, it's like, there's these hills outside Seattle, and they call 'em the Black Hole Sun mountains. And it's like, they're just filled with bands and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? That'd be cool if you could, like, take like a bus tour through the hills and see all the bands.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, that would kick ass! It'd be like: &quot;Up on your left is Soundgarden&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah: &quot;And if you be real quiet, we might see Alice in Chains!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': &quot;And, if you be real quiet, you might be able to see these buttmunches!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [derisively] ''Church''.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, church rules! Cuz like, there's always, like, [[w:Snake_handling|snakes in church]], and like, chicks getting it on, and like, dude's bleeding, and lots of guitars and stuff. Church rules!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, what the hell are you talking about? That's not what happens in church! You've never even been to church.
:'''Beavis''': I know, but I've seen it in [[w:music videos|videos]] and stuff, and like, there's always lots of smoke and snakes, and like, cool stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, church isn't like that. I went to church once, and it's like, there was a bunch of buttmunches strumming guitars going: &quot;''Here we are, all together as we sing our song joyfully!''&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah? Well, that song's pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': No it's not, Beavis. It sucks! And then it's like, you have to go up and like, this guy puts a cracker in your mouth and like, sprays water on you and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Really? Well that sounds cool too! Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah I guess it is kind of cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, see, see? That's not that bad! &quot;''Here we are, alltogether as we sing our song…''&quot;
:'''Beavis &amp; Butt-head''': &quot;…joyfully! Keep the fire burning and kindle it with care.  And we'll all join in and sing!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, sounds pretty cool!

===[[w:Overkill (band)|Overkill]], &quot;Hello From the Gutter&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! A flying skull. That's cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's too bad this music sucks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at this guy!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! This, SUCKS!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, it's that flying skull again. That flying skull rules.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He oughta, like, fly away and go into a video that doesn't suck.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, or he could, like, start his own show.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I would watch it!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, me too!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Bobby Ellsworth|Bobby Ellsworth]]''': Hello from the gutter!
:'''Beavis''': What's he saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think he's saying &quot;yellow butter&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby Ellsworth''': Welcome to the gutter! We've been expecting you! AHAHAHAHAHA!
:'''Beavis''': [''doing a high-pitched impersonation''] '''WE'VE BEEN EXPECTING YYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-AAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!'''

==P==
===[[w:Robert Palmer|Robert Palmer]], &quot;[[w:Simply Irresistible (song)|Simply Irresistible]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': This dude looks like one of those drunk businessmen at those [[w:karaoke|croaky-okey]] bars.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Remember that time we were looking in the window, and we saw that big fat slob? He was going, &quot;I'm crazy…&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Then remember when that Chinese dude got up, and he sang, [''mock-Chinese accent, sings''] &quot;You ain't nothing but hound dog, crying all the time&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. And then he sang, [''mock-Chinese accent, sings''] &quot;Love me tender, love me true, never let me go…&quot; [''mock-Chinese gibberish''] Taekwondo, better than Thai boxing!
:'''Butt-head''': He didn't say that, Beavis!

===[[Pantera]]===
====&quot;I'm Broken&quot;====
:'''Both''': Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Turn it up, Butt-head, turn it up! Come on!
:'''Butt-head''': Okay Beavis. Don't cop that attitude with me. [''turns the volume down'']
:'''Beavis''': No, no, that's the wrong way, Butt-head, come on!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh. [''turns the volume up as loud as it can go''] Here we go.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, kick some ass!
:'''Butt-head''': Rock, rock, rock!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''they've turned the TV up as loud as it can go'']
:'''Beavis''': [''trying to yell above the noise''] HEY Butt-head, THIS IS COOL, HUH?!
:'''Butt-head''': UHH, WHAT DID YOU SAY, BEAVIS?
:'''Beavis''': I SAID THIS IS COOL, HUH, IT ROCKS!!
:'''Butt-head''': UHH, WHAT?
:'''Beavis''': YEAH, YEAH!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': THIS GUY'S A GOOD DANCER, HUH, Butt-head??
:'''Butt-head''': YEAH! HE'S PRETTY COOL!!
:'''Beavis''': IT'S LIKE, HE'S A GOOD DANCER, AND HE SINGS PRETTY COOL, AND HE, LIKE ROCKS!!
:'''Butt-head''': SHUT UP, BEAVIS!! I'M TRYING TO LISTEN!!
:'''Beavis''': OH YEAH, ME TOO, I'M TRYING TO LISTEN TOO!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': HEY Butt-head, WILL THE TV GO UP ANY LOUDER??
:'''Butt-head''': LET ME SEE!! [''presses the volume button on the remote to find it is at maximum level''] UHH, I THINK THAT'S AS LOUD AS IT GOES!!
:'''Beavis''': DAMN IT!! WE NEED TO GET A LOUDER TV!!
:'''Butt-head''': LET'S GET CLOSER TO THE TV!!
:'''Beavis''': YEAH, OKAY!! NOW IT'S HURTING MY EYES AND MY EARS!!
:'''Butt-head''': YEAH!! THIS IS COOL!!

====&quot;Mouth For War&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Pantera kicks everybody's ass.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Phil Anselmo|Phil Anselmo]]''': WRONG!!!
:'''Butt-head''': [''imitates Anselmo's singing style''] HUH HUH HUH HUUUUUUUUHHHHH!!!
:'''Beavis''': Keep singing, Butt-head, that was pretty good. Go on, do it again.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, okay. [''imitates Anselmo's singing style''] I BEEN WRONG FOR FAR TOO LONG!!!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah! Right on, man. Rock!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This singer looks pretty mean.
:'''Beavis''': Do you think he gets all the chicks?
:'''Butt-head''': Probably not. I bet he, like, scares chicks.
:'''Beavis''': The only thing cooler than bands that get lots of chicks are bands that scare chicks.

====&quot;This Love&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, does this Pantera guy ever relax?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I don't think so. [[w:Phil Anselmo|This guy]]'s dad must have kicked his ass when he was a kid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. He was like, &quot;Dammit Pantera, this beer is warm! Get me another one!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He was like, &quot;You treat your stepmother with respect, Pantera! Or you'll be sleeping in the street!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': He's like, &quot;Dammit Pantera, I told you to get out there and mow that lawn! Oh, what's this? Is that a tear, Pantera? Oh, is daddy's little girl upset? I'm gonna kick your ass into next Tuesday, now get outta here! And quit acting like a damn little girl!&quot;

===[[Dolly Parton]], &quot;More Where That Came From&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  This is that chick with those big hooters!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah!  Yeah!  [''imitating Dolly Parton''] WORKING NINE TO FIVE!  IT'S THE WAY TO MAKE A LIVING!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dolly Parton''': I know I've got some stiff competition...
:'''Butt-head''': ''Stiff'' competition?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  She's talking about us.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  This just goes to show you that some things never go out of style.
:'''Beavis''': You mean, like, country music?
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass!  I mean big hooters.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

===[[w:Pavement (band)|Pavement]]===
====&quot;Cut Your Hair&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Ummm, is this one of those sneaker ads where like, those basketball players sit around in a barber shop?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, yeah. Only it's, like, a bunch of white guys. And white music.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It's &quot;BUTT-WIPE&quot; music! Hey, where'd that cat come from?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, I think it came out his nose.
:'''Beavis''': Um, is that supposed to be funny?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, it's supposed to be. It would have been funny if it came out of his butt!
:'''Beavis''': Why is that, I mean, how come it like, if it comes out of his nose, it's not that funny, but like, if it comes out of his butt, it's funny? Why is that?
:'''Butt-head''': Well, it's 'cause like, your butt has a crack in it.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''one of the band members trips over a table'']
:'''Butt-head''': What a wuss!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I hate it when you go to the barber, and it's like, he starts cutting your hair and then he goes: &quot;Soooo, how's school?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I usually say: &quot;It sucks. Now shut up and cut my hair before I stick that comb up your butt!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': You know, Butt-head, um, maybe that's why you get all those sucky hair cuts, y'know? Maybe you should try being a little nicer, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I'm gonna shove a comb up your butt! My hair looks cool! 

====&quot;Rattled by the Rush&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Oh no, it's another one of these. [''Beavis groans''] They need to try harder.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's like, they're not even trying! Come on, come on! I want you to start over again, and this time, try! Come on, let's go, pick it up, come on, come on, here we go! Come on, one, two, three, four, yeah, come on! Come on, rock!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is just horrible.
:'''Beavis''': If you're gonna be horrible, at least, like, you know, kick ass! You know, like [[w:The Jesus Lizard|Jesus Lizard]]! I mean, they suck, but they kick ass!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think these guys are just lazy.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. They're too lazy to rock, and they're too lazy to clean the tub.
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are so lazy, they probably take a dump in the tub.
:'''Beavis''': Heh, I do that sometimes. Poop!
:'''Butt-head''': You poop in the tub?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. And then sometimes, I just pee all over the whole bathroom. Pee pee pee pee pee!
:'''Butt-head''': You're disgusting, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Heheh, yeah.

===[[Katy Perry]], &quot;[[w:Firework (song)|Firework]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, I have to say, um, I kind of like this song.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… okay, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Sometimes, um, if I'm not feeling to good about myself, I'll like, put this song on and like, put some fireworks in my pants, and I start to feel better.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, do you light the fireworks?
:'''Beavis''': Well, yeah, I tried, but everytime I put the lighter down there, in my pants, it just goes out. I need longer fuses or something. Like a longer lighter. 
:'''Butt-head''': You're a dumbass, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Katy Perry''': You don't have to feel like a waste of space…
:'''Beavis''': My guidance counselor said the same thing, you know, I don't have to feel like a waste of space, but when Katy Perry says it, she has fireworks coming out of her boobs, kind of uh, kind of gives me a special feeling, you know what I'm saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, except Katy Perry's not talking about you, Beavis. She's talking about that [[w:Dove (toiletries)|Dove model]] by the pool. You are a waste of space.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': You're more like that part of the song before where she's talking about the plastic bag floating around, but like, if it floated into a trash can, and then a bunch of stinky homeless dudes peed all over it. 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': You're not a firework.
:'''Beavis''': DAMMIT Butt-head! SHUT UP! [''Kicks Butt-head in the testicles''] I am a firework!
:'''Butt-head''': [''in agony''] Dammit, Beavis…
:'''Beavis''': I'm an [[w:M-80 (explosive)|M-80]].

===[[Tom Petty]], &quot;It's Good to Be King&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, that's that kid from that &quot;[[w:Losing My Religion|Losing My Religion]]&quot; video.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but I thought he got shot with an arrow or something.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Tom Petty''': It's good to get high…
:'''Butt-head''': It's good to get high?
:'''Beavis''': What kind of message is that sending?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, did you see that guy, he had like, mirrors all over himself?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': That'd be cool if you had mirrors all over your clothes like that, and then like, you could use them to see your own [[w:perineum|taint]]. That would be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': I don't wanna see my taint. That's stupid.
:'''Beavis''': See, I'm always thinking.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, it's [[w:Velvet Jones|Velvet Jones]]!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. He's cool. [''imitates [[Eddie Murphy]]''] Hi! I'm Velvet Jones.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah , yeah. [''also impersonating Eddie Murphy''] Hah! Ah'm Vevvet Jones! Dis is mah book, &quot;How to Be a Ho&quot;! [''normal voice''] Yeah, it's about time someone put him in a video!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, how come Tom Petty is famous?
:'''Butt-head''': Because he's on TV, dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but how did he get on TV?
:'''Butt-head''': Because he's famous.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but, I mean, like, how did he get famous?
:'''Butt-head''': He got famous because he's on TV.
:'''Beavis''': YEAH, YEAH, BUT HOW DID HE GET ON TV?!
:'''Butt-head''': Because he's famous, Beavis! Now shut up before I smack the bejesus out of you!

===[[Phish]], &quot;[[w:Down With Disease|Down With Disease]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! They're, like, diving into the fishtank! That's cool!
:'''Beavis''': Diving into the what?
:'''Butt-head''': The fishtank, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Oh. I thought those things were, like, just really fancy clear toilets. I usually take a leak in those things.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you think everything's a toilet.
:'''Beavis''': Well, there's fish in there, right? They go to the bathroom in there, right?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': So it's a toilet. See?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. They drink their own wee-wee.
:'''Beavis''': Fish are stupid.
:'''Butt-head''': They're like &quot;Uhh, I guess I'll take a dump and then swim around in it.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, check this out. Do you like sea food?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah. [''Beavis opens his mouth wide''] Beavis, that joke only works if you have food in your mouth. Dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Well, use your imagination, dillhole.

===[[Pink Floyd]], &quot;High Hopes&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Oh no, is this Yanni? [''pause''] Uhh…oh, this is Pink Floyd.
:'''Beavis''': Are they from England?
:'''Butt-head''': Yep. Just another gang of wussies from England.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, I'd really like to go to England. You wanna know why, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, okay.
:'''Beavis''': Because, um, I just think, like you know, since everybody's a wussy over there, you know, I could just go around and kick everybody's ass, and then I could probably get some chicks because I'd be the only guy who's not a wussy. Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think you'd probably be even be a wussy, like you know, to them.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head, I could kick some ass. They'd be like [''sings''] &quot;The grass was greener…&quot; and then I'd come up and kick 'em in the nads - &quot;Wha-ha!&quot; - and then I would score.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but I think their nads are so small in England that, like, it'd be pretty easy to miss.
:'''Beavis''': Well, okay, so I'd kick 'em in somewhere else. Just…just shut up, you always mess up my…my dreams! Butthole!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, if you didn't know anything about these guys, and just heard the name &quot;Pink Floyd&quot;, and then you heard this crap, you know, you'd probably think that it was just like, total wuss music.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, it ''is'' wuss music, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look! Big bingo balls!

===[[w:Pizzicato Five|Pizzicato Five]], &quot;Twiggy, Twiggy&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, check this out. [''sings in a fake Mexican accent''] Let us put the man and woman together and find out which one is smarter…that was cool

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': What language is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I think it's like…French.
:'''Beavis''': Really?
:'''Butt-head''': Or Mexican, or something.
:'''Beavis''': I'll be damned... Yeah... I can sing in French; check this out. [''Beavis sings in a fake Japanese accent; the only coherent words are &quot;taco supremo&quot;'']
:'''Butt-head''': That was pretty good, Beavis! You sound just like those dudes.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Check it out, Butt-head! That's that guy from ''[[w:My Three Sons|My Three Sons]]''! That's [[w:Barry Livingston|Ernie]] from ''My Three Sons''! See? Back in the doorway? That's him!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah! That is him. Check this out. [''Imitates Ernie''] Hey [[w:William Demarest|Uncle Charley]]. Seems like a lot of work to me.
:'''Beavis''': [''Also imitating Ernie''] Hey Uncle Charley. I think I'll go put on a stupid dork outfit and go dance like a wuss for a while.
:'''Butt-head''': [''Continuously imitating Ernie''] Hey Uncle Charley. I think me and [[w:Stanley Livingston|Chip]] are gonna dance around like a bunch of dorks.
:'''Beavis''': And then, like, Uncle Charley's like [''Imitates Uncle Charley''] Dammit Ernie, I’m trying to make a cake here! Will you get out of the kitchen and quit acting like a dork?!
:'''Butt-head''': [''laughs''] Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. My three son-of-a-bitches.

===[[w:Plasmatics|Plasmatics]], &quot;The Damned&quot;===
:[''video opens with this message: &quot;WARNING: THIS VIDEO WAS CREATED AND PERFORMED BY PROFESSIONAL CONCEPTUAL ARTISTS.  YOU SHOULD NOT ATTEMPT THIS AT HOME.&quot;'']
:'''Beavis''': Check it out.  A warning!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That means they're gonna do something cool.
:[''a fire is shown'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Like that fire.  Fire, fire, fire!  FIRE!  FIRE!  FIRE!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  [[w:Wendy O. Williams|She]]'s almost naked!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  And she has nails coming out of her arms.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Ooh, baby!  Come to Butt-head!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This chick's a good singer 'cause she hardly wears any clothes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  And she's holding a bomb.
:'''Butt-head''': Chicks are cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Wendy O. Williams is driving a school bus towards a wall of TVs'']
:'''Butt-head''': This is gonna be cool!
:[''the bus smashes through the TVs'']
:'''Beavis''': Yes!
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!  Check it out!  This is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': If our school bus did that, I'd go to school all the time.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Me too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Wendy O. Williams is on top of the moving school bus'']
:'''Butt-head''': This video has, like, explosions, and like, half-naked chicks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And fire!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And TVs getting smashed, and screaming.  It's got something for everyone.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:[''Wendy O. Williams jumps off the bus right before it smashes into another wall of TVs; the bus then explodes'']
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': YES!  YES!
:'''Butt-head''': YES!
:'''Beavis''': FIRE!  FIRE!  FIRE!  FIRE!  FIRE!
:'''Butt-head''': Now that really ''was'' cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!

===[[w:Buster Poindexter|Buster Poindexter]], &quot;Zat You Santa Claus?&quot;===
:'''Buster''': ZAT YOU, SANTY CLAUS!?!?
:[''Beavis does a spit take'']
:'''Butt-head''': This guy seems pretty cool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at his nose! I bet this guy could pick his nose with his big toe!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! That's cool! I do that sometimes!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah? That's pretty cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': What?
:'''Butt-head''': If you eat your own boogers, does that make you, like, one of those &quot;[[w:Cannibalism|cannibists]]&quot;?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it makes you one of those, one of those uh, uh, &quot;cannilbulsists&quot;!
:'''Butt-head''': How come boogers don't, like, stink?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's like, they look ugly, so it's like you think they would stink.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Actually, I think they look pretty cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, me too!

===[[Poison (band)|Poison]]===
====&quot;I Want Action&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': This is so horrible, I can't even begin to talk about how much this sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, really. Look at these buttknockers!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Remember back when they used to play [[w:music videos|videos]] by these guys all the time?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that really sucked.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's a good thing they're gone.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Wait a minute. That dude right there, I think he's that dude who drives the snack truck now.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. That's right, he's got a mustache now, and he's just got long hair in the back.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I bet these guys like practice their little wussy dance movies.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Guitars up! Two, three, four and kick!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': It's like, [''high-pitched voice''] Bobby, I smeared my lipstick when I kissed my finger. Can I borrow some of yours?
:'''Butt-head''': You're a little too good at that, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the names of the band members are flashed onscreen'']
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Bobby Dall|Bobby]]. [[w:C. C. DeVille|C.C.]], and [[w:Bret Michaels|Brettt]]!
:'''Beavis''': And don't forget [[w:Rikki Rockett|Rikki]]!

====&quot;[[w:Unskinny Bop|Unskinny Bop]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…y'know I don't say this too often, but uh, this sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Ummm, you say that all the time, actually.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh…oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': And to think that [[w:Bret Michaels|this dude]] used to boff [[Pamela Anderson]].
:'''Butt-head''': Like that would ever happen.
:'''Beavis''': I think it did happen. But anyway, she's on this thing with, um, this guy, his name is…[[Tony Robbins|Anthony Roberts]], he has these tapes, and these things, and he makes you feel good. She watched him, and now she has huge hooters and she's on TV. It's pretty cool, I was thinking of getting some of those tapes.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, you'd look good with big hooters, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. You know that's not what I meant.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know who else Pamela Anderson boffed, is, uh, [[w:Scott Baio|Scott Baio]].
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, really?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, this Poison dude kinda looks like Pamela Anderson.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you know, I was thinking, y'know, if he got some hooters, maybe he could be on Baywatch. You know, since his career sucks now, he probably doesn't have a job.

===[[w:Porno for Pyros|Porno for Pyros]], &quot;[[w:Pets (song)|Pets]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': What's with all these squares?
:'''Beavis''': [[Orange (colour)|Orange]] squares suck.
:'''Butt-head''': If I wanted to learn about geometry, I'd go to school.
:'''Beavis''': Geometry's not about squares.  It's about triangles and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': I meant ''advanced'' geometry.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': These guys sure got wimpy.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, fartknocker!  These guys are cool!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

===[[w:The Power Station|The Power Station]], &quot;[[w:Get It On (T. Rex song)#Power Station version|Get It On (Bang a Gong)]]&quot;===
:[''video opens with an animated drawing of a topless woman'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  She's almost naked!  That's cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman is dancing behind a flame'']
:'''Beavis''': Fire!  Fire!  Fire!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, it's [[w:Pussy Galore|Pussy Galore]]!
:'''Butt-head''': That's that chick from [[w:Goldfinger (film)|that movie]] about that guy with those numbers.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He's got two zeros in his number so that he can kill people.  That's cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  [[w:James Bond|James Bong]].
:'''Beavis''': You said &quot;bong.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Power Station''': Get it on, bang a gong...
:'''Butt-head''': They said &quot;bong&quot;!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, a toilet!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  [[w:M-80 (explosive)|M-80]] it.
:'''Butt-head''': We should have a toilet installed right in front of the TV.  That would be cool!
:'''Beavis''': We could put a [[w:Urinal|uriner]] right next to the TV.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That sucks when you have to take a leak, and you gotta, like, leave the room.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  We can just take a leak right here.
:'''Butt-head''': They don't have enough toilets in videos.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They need more toilets in videos.  That would be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Like more of those uriners.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Those are cool.

===[[w:Primal Scream|Primal Scream]], &quot;[[w:Rocks (song)|Rocks]]&quot;===
:'''[[w:Bobby Gillespie|Bobby Gillespie]]''': Whores keep whoring, junkies keep scoring…
:'''Beavis''': Um…wha'd he say?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I think he said something about whores, and like, junk.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Whores and garbage, that's pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, you can't beat that.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah I can!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis. [''slaps Beavis, who screams''] Don't start with me today.
:'''Beavis''': I wasn't. I was starting with me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby Gillespie''': Get your rocks off, get your rocks off, honey…
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head what's he saying? Get your rock salt? What's rock salt?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…you know, like, doing it.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, really? It seems like uh…like most songs are about doing it.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…yeah. You got a problem with that, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Uh, no…
:'''Butt-head''': That's the way it should be.
:'''Beavis''': Uh…oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This like, uh… kinda rocks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, like you know… rock salt.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, Butt-head, I just saw a girl's butt!
:'''Butt-head''': There's a lot of chick's butts in here, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': No, I mean she was naked!
:'''Butt-head''': You're not allowed to show a naked butt on TV!
:'''Beavis''': Well, it looked like she was naked. And it was pretty cool.

===[[w:Primus (band)|Primus]]===
::''See also: Primus, [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience#&quot;Poetry And Prose&quot; by Primus|&quot;Poetry And Prose&quot;]], ''[[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience]]'' (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 8.''

====&quot;[[w:DMV (song)|DMV]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Is this [[w:The Benny Hill Show|the Benny Hill Show]]?
:'''Butt-head''': No, there aren't any chicks in bikinis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Hey, this is Primus! [''sings''] [[w:My Name is Mud|My name is M-M-M-M-M-Mud!]]
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe [[w:Les Claypool|this guy]] will spit again.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Les Claypool''': If I had my druthers, I'd screw a chimpanzee…
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, did you hear that? I think he just said &quot;If I had my druthers, I'd screw a chimpanzee&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Really? Hey Butt-head, let's go get some druthers.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know what this video needs, it needs like, a toilet
:'''Butt-head''': Why would they put a toilet in here, Beavis? It doesn't have anything to do with toilets. It's about…uhh…I don't know.
:'''Beavis''': I don't care.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out Butt-head, [[w:Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots|Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots]]. Kick 'em in the nads!
:'''Butt-head''': Robots don't have nads, dumb ass!
:'''Beavis''': Mine do. I glued 'em on. I put nads on all my action figures. I use, like, beadies and raisins and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': That's disgusting, Beavis!

====&quot;[[w:My Name is Mud|My Name is Mud]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': [''about lead singer [[w:Les Claypool|Les Claypool]]''] That looks like that dude from ''[[w:Deliverance|Deliverance]]''.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Remember that part with that pig?
:'''Butt-head''': That wasn't a pig, Beavis.  That was [[w:Ned Beatty|Ned Beatty]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  I've watched that movie seven times.
:'''Butt-head''': Me too.  &quot;Squeal like a pig, boy!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Les Claypool spits'']
:'''Beavis''': Spit!  Cool!
:'''Butt-head''': That's cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:[''three fat men are shown in a sauna'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Fat people!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  They don't have enough fat people in videos.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And more spit in videos.  Like, people hocking loogies.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  More spit, and more fat people.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Fat people are cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[Prince (musician)|Prince]], &quot;The Most Beautiful Girl in the World&quot;===
:[''Prince is wearing tight pants and his penis can be seen bulging'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Check out his unit!
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, this chick is flat!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you see that unit?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': That means it's not a chick.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, oh yeah. I wasn't looking.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I wonder what the most beautiful chick in the world looks like.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, well, she has to be naked.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. And she'd have to have boobs.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah. It'd also be cool if she had a butt, too.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! That would rule! And also like, if her butt was naked!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah. Well, you know, when I said she'd have to be naked, I meant, you know, down there.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know Beavis, I was looking at your mom naked once.
:'''Beavis''': Really? How come you were naked?
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis! Your mom was naked.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': You know how Prince is searching for the most beautiful chick in the world?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, he doesn't need to go anywhere near your house.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, butthole! I'm sick of you badmouthing my mom!
:'''Butt-head''': [''chuckles''] [[w:oral sex|Mouthing]]?
:'''Beavis''': [''laughs''] Oh yeah, mouthing! Bad mouthing!

===[[w:The Prodigy|The Prodigy]], &quot;[[w:Poison (The Prodigy song)|Poison]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  They're cracking concrete!
:'''Beavis''': Um, [''nonchalantly''] you said &quot;crack.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Well...I guess I'll just, um...I guess I'll just do this for awhile.  [''imitates the bass line'']
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  They're rolling around in a pool of feces!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!  Cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think this video is, like, a tribute to turds.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's about time.  I've been meaning to do a tribute to my ''own'' turds.  It's called &quot;Poop: A Retrospective.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': You know who I'd like to see roll around in a bunch of feces?
:'''Beavis''': Um...
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Hootie &amp; the Blowfish|Hootie &amp; the Blowfish]]!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  That would be cool.  It'd be like, &quot;With a little love, poop!  And a little tenderness!  Plop, plop!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Plop, plop, plop!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': That would rule!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  And I think it would really go with the music really well, too.

===[[w:Prong (band)|Prong]]===
====&quot;Prove You Wrong&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Cool! This sounds pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! It kicks, BUTT! Hey, check out the skull.
:'''Butt-head''': That's not a skull, Beavis. That's just like, a really ugly dude.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I wish, like, in school, they would teach something practical, like, heavy metal.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! They should have, like, &quot;Heavy Metal Choir&quot;!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': UP-UP-URAGH UP-UP-UH-UH-UH-UH-RRRAAAAGGHHH!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! This video has cool looking stuff in it.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Even though it's not on the screen long enough to see what it is, you could still tell it's cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Y'know what makes this band COOL?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Ah, uh, I mean, what?
:'''Butt-head''': They have two dudes who are good screamers, and they like, take turns screaming.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! &quot;PROVE YOU WRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNGGG!!!!!!&quot; Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Screaming is cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! &quot;AAAAAAAAARRRRAAAAAAAAGGHHH, PROVE YOU WRONG, AGHAGAHA!!!!!&quot;

====&quot;Snap Your Fingers, Snap Your Neck&quot;====
:[''video opens with a dripping faucet'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey hey, did you see the faucet, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And you know, wherever there's a faucet, there's probably a toilet close by.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  And wherever there's toilets, there's like, butts, and wieners, and turds, and uh, wee-wee!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  A little something for everyone.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Tommy Victor|This dude]] must use the same shampoo as me.
:'''Beavis''': Umm...uh...you don't use shampoo, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...oh yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Is this that band, Schlong?
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass!  It's ''Prong''!
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh.  Well...I wasn't that far off.  Butthole.

===[[w:Public Image Ltd.|Public Image Ltd.]]===
====&quot;[[w:Rise (Public Image Ltd song)|Rise]]&quot;====
:[''video opens with a woman beating dirt off a carpet'']
:'''Butt-head''': She's beating her carpet.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  We should do that.
:'''Butt-head''': It ''looks'' cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[John Lydon]]''': I could be [[wrong]], I could be right, I could be [[black people|black]], I could be [[white people|white]]...
:'''Butt-head''': You're white.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''on John Lydon's orange, spiky hairstyle''] He's got a hair stiffy.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a group of old people is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''scoffs''] Old people.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''John Lydon''': I could be wrong...
:'''Butt-head''': You're wrong.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He's ''all'' wrong.  And his hair is orange.
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

====&quot;The Body&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Is this a bakery?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:John Lydon|That guy]] has a disease.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He's got wussyitis.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  First it causes your hair to turn red, then your butt falls off.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Have you ever had an operation?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  I had my tonsils removed once.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That means you were neutered, dude!
:'''Beavis''': No way!  Really?
:'''Butt-head''': Dude, that's what they do when they [[w:Castration|remove your testicles]]!
:'''Beavis''': Cool!
:'''Butt-head''': I was thinking of having my [[w:Mucous membrane|mucous membranes]] removed.  That way, you like, never get a runny nose.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': The mucous membranes are the part of your brain that makes you, like, remember [[w:Mucus|mucus]].  So like, if you have 'em removed, you'll just forget to blow your nose all the time.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be pretty cool!  Let's go get the pliers and remove our mucous membranes.

===[[w:The Pursuit of Happiness (band)|The Pursuit of Happiness]], &quot;Cigarette Dangles&quot;===
:[''the lyrics flash on the screen'']
:'''Butt-head''': What?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I hate words.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Words suck.
:'''Butt-head''': If I wanted to read, I'd go to school.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is college music.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  College music sucks.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Moe Berg''': Your cigarette dangles...
:'''Butt-head''': He said &quot;dangle.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  The angle of the dangle is inversely proportional to the heat of the beat.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That's pretty cool!  You're pretty smart, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

==Q==
===[[w:Quicksand (band)|Quicksand]]===
====&quot;Delusional&quot;====
:[''band member [[w:Walter Schreifels|Walter Schreifels]], who resembles [[w:Jim Carrey|Jim Carrey]], is shown'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey, that's that guy from ''[[w:Dumb and Dumber|Dumb and Dumber]]''.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!  I think that's Dumb.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman approaches a car'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  We need to get one of those!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, I know!  I know!  I KNOW!  I've been saying that for a long time, Butt-head.  It's like, we need to get a cool-looking chick.  Maybe then people will start to respect us and stuff.  It's like, then we'll start getting respect, and then we'll get more chicks, and then, like, with more chicks, like, we'll get more respect, and then after that, we'll get, like, more money, then we'll get, like, more chicks and more money and more respect, and we'll just, like, keep on going!  And all it takes is just getting that first chick!  Yeah, if we could just get one chick--
:'''Butt-head''': I'm not talking about the chick, buttmunch!  I was talking about that air freshener thing in the car.
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh, oh yeah.  Sorry about that.

====&quot;Dine Alone&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  I wish I had a shirt like that.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That would be cool if we, like, had other shirts and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  It's like, you could wear one shirt one day and then, like, the next day, you wear, like, a different shirt.  That would rule!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman in a bathtub is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That's cool.  It's like, this video was pretty cool, and then they show a naked chick in a tub.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Maybe she'll get up and dry herself off.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  She doesn't want to get out of the tub 'cause she has morning wood!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis!  I hope you were joking.
:'''Beavis''': Um...y - yeah.  Yeah, that was pretty funny.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys, like, rule and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  It's like, it's like, it rules and stuff.

===[[w:Quiet Riot|Quiet Riot]], &quot;[[w:Cum on Feel the Noize|Cum on Feel the Noize]]&quot;===
:[''video opens with a teenage boy on his bed turning on a radio'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  I saw that guy in detention!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He doesn't want to sit up 'cause he's got morning wood.
:'''Butt-head''': Rise and shine!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And it sucks, too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These effects aren't very special.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  These effects suck.
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

==R==
===[[R.E.M.]]===
====&quot;[[w:Pop Song 89|Pop Song 89]]&quot;====
:[''censored version of the video plays, with black squares covering everyone's breasts, including lead singer [[w:Michael Stipe|Michael Stipe]]'']
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Michael Stipe|That chick]] has small boobs.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  You can tell even with that black square on there.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''lyrics start crawling across the screen'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...
:'''Beavis''': How many times do I have to say this?  I hate [[w:music videos|videos]] with [[words]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  If I wanted to [[read]], I'd go to [[school]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': How come they put those black things on all the girls' thingies?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That sucks!  How come they don't show boobs?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Shiny Happy People|Shiny Happy People]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': [''scoffs''] Happiness.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Um, uh, you said &quot;penis.&quot;  Just thought I'd tell you.
:'''Butt-head''': I know!  Why do you think they call it &quot;happiness&quot;?
:'''Beavis''': Ohh, yeah yeah, because...um, because like, you know, 'cause like, your wiener, when - when your wiener's happy, ''you're'' happy.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Um...you know, um, I wasn't feeling very good when the song started, but um, I - I feel pretty good now!  Feelin' pretty happy!   Shiny.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!  You're a miserable piece of crap.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  I'm happier than ''you.''
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis!  You're miserable because, like, nobody likes you, chicks don't like you, you're not good at anything.
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah, but I'm - I'm hung like a horse!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Yep.  Feelin' pretty good!  [''sings along quietly''] Shiny happy people!  Yeah!  Dah da-da-dun dun-dun, dun dun-dun, dun-dun!  Shiny happy people!  [''Butt-head smacks him''] AAHHHH!

===[[w:Radiohead|Radiohead]], &quot;[[w:Fake Plastic Trees|Fake Plastic Trees]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Ahhhhhhhh, yeah. I like to mellow out to this song.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. ''Let's get a little mellow''.
:'''Beavis''': Sometimes if I have a boner that won't go down, I listen to this kind of music.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, that looks like that dude…uhh, he was on TV, and then they made cartoon out of him.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. He's got that shirt, and then his hair's all in a point on the top of his head. Yeah, what's his name?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…yeah, what is his name?
:'''Beavis''': Dammit…he's always going, &quot;I must say,&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': And then he's always saying he's gonna be on [[w:Wheel of Fortune|Wheel of Fortune]], and he's, like, all into [[w:Pat Sajak|Pat Sajak]]. Uhh, Wigley? Smegley?
:'''Beavis''': No, no. Dammit. What's his name? Dammit! This guy looks just like him. Dammit! I'm forgetting everything! I can't remember anything anymore! Hey Butt-head, try smacking me. But just once.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, sure. [''slaps Beavis several times'']
:'''Beavis''': AHH! OWW!! Um…[[w:Ed Grimley|Ed Grimley]]!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah, that's the dude. I oughta hit you more often, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': You hit me?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. [''Beavis kicks Butt-head in the testicles''] AAAAAHHHH!!!
:'''Beavis''': Bunghole! Don't ever hit me again!

===[[w:Raging Slab|Raging Slab]], &quot;Anywhere but Here&quot;===
:[''video opens with a woman spitting out a coin'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That was pretty cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, Butt-head, it's [[w:Gary Coleman|that little dude]]!
:'''Butt-head''': What are you talking about, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Wasn't that that kid from &quot;[[w:Webster (TV series)|Webster]]&quot;?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this [[w:Lynyrd Skynyrd|Skynyrd]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': This is pretty cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, [[w:Arnold Jackson (character)|Arnold]].  Where are [[w:Willis Jackson (character)|Willis]] and [[w:Kimberly Drummond|Kimberly]]?
:'''Beavis''': I wonder if they're in the same jail?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Right alongside [[w:Danny Bonaduce|Danny Bonerduce]].
:'''Beavis''': Danny Bonaduce!  ''Bonaduce!  Bonaduce!  Bonaduce!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check this out.  He's gonna say it.
:'''Beavis''': Say it!  SAY IT!
:'''Butt-head''': Say it!  Say it, bumwipe!
:'''Gary Coleman''': What'chu talkin' about?

===[[w:Railroad Jerk|Railroad Jerk]], &quot;Rollerkoaster&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Woah. Is she Chinese?
:'''Butt-head''': I think that's that [[w:Connie Chung|Connie Schlong]] chick that [[w:Connie Chung#Kathleen Gingrich interview controversy|called the president's mom]] a bitch on TV.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lead singer''': But sex!
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Anal sex|Butt sex]]?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': How come that guy's wearing his mom's coat?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think that's ''your'' mom's coat, Beavis. I think he's wearing it to show that he did her.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, oh, yeah, heh, what a slut. Woah, look, they're all wearing them. 
:'''Butt-head''': I have one of those coats in my closet right now.
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, heh, you should go easy on my mom, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Isn't she already easy enough?
:'''Beavis''': Enough!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Um, I'd like to talk about rollercoasters for a minute.
:'''Butt-head''': [''humoring him''] Okay, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': You know how like, sometimes you're on a rollercoaster and it feels like your nads are floating inside your sack?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Well um, heh, it gives me a special feeling. I also get that on elevators sometimes.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, oh yeah, me too. I kinda get a special feeling in my buttcheeks when an elevator goes down.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, that looks kinda like [[Conan O'Brien|Conan O'Brien]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah. I heard he has a gigantic schlong. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no. You're thinking of ''me'', Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': No. I was thinking of ''me'', actually. Doi-oi-oi-oi-oing!

===The Rake's Progress, &quot;I'll Talk My Way Out Of This One&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''seeing a man milking a cow''] Check it out, that dude's choking the cow's chicken!
:'''Butt-head''': No he's not, bungmunch. That's how you get milk.
:'''Beavis''': Um…you have to spank a cow's monkey to get milk??
:'''Butt-head''': No, you squeeze its boobs!
:'''Beavis''': Wow. Really?? I didn't know a cow had boobs. I thought it just had, you know, [[w:udder|that big nutsack with all the wieners hanging off it]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I like it when old people let their mouths hang open, cause they don't remember to close it.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. I think I'm gonna do that right now. [''Beavis lets his jaw hang open''] This feels kinda good.
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe I'll try it. [''Butt-head lets his jaw hang open''] This is pretty cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know another cool thing about cows? They get to chew their own cud.
:'''Beavis''': Really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I learned it that time we went on that field trip to the dairy.
:'''Beavis''': Well, um, was I there?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but you spent the whole time staring at the goat's nads.

===[[Ramones]]===
====&quot;[[w:I Wanna Be Sedated|I Wanna Be Sedated]]&quot;====
:[''the duo are watching &quot;[[w:Physical (Olivia Newton-John song)|Physical]]&quot; by [[w:Olivia Newton-John|Olivia Newton-John]]'']
:'''Butt-head''': This sucks. Let's watch something [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:[''flips channel; &quot;[[w:I Wanna Be Sedated|I Wanna Be Sedated]]&quot; by the [[Ramones]] is on'']
:'''Beavis''': Yes!!
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': [''air guitar and headbanging; imitates guitar sound vocally''] Dananananananana dananananananana!

====&quot;[[w:Pet Sematary (song)|Pet Sematary]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': [[Fire]]'s [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[Dead]] [[animals]]'re [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].

====&quot;[[w:Substitute (The Who song)|Substitute]]&quot;====
:[''the video opens with a man giving a lecture'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, where are the drums?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah and the guitars and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, maybe this is rap.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Um, it's missing something though.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It doesn't rhyme.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, he needs to bust a move or something.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, he needs to take off those damn glasses too.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head, maybe he needs them to see. Did you ever think of that?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, Butt-head, that's your Uncle Jack!
:'''Butt-head''': No it's not.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah it is! Hey Jack, how's it goin'? That was him!
:'''Butt-head''': No it wasn't, Beavis! He's alot fatter than that.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, that must've been him 'cause he was comin' outta, like, one of those, uh, naked places.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah! I think that was him!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Joey Ramone|Joey Ramone]]''': But I'm a substitute…
:'''Beavis''': Did he say prostitute? I think he said prostitute, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': No he didn't, he's talking about, y'know like, substitute teachers?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, [''a painting of [[w:Kojak|Kojak]] is shown for a split second''] KOJAK! Um, so uh, what was I saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, you said something 'bout Kojak.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. They should have, like, prostitute teachers.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, they could get your mom to come in!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, she's a slut!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, check it out, it's Lemmy! And [[w:Sean Yseult|that chick]] from [[w:White Zombie (band)|White Zombie]]! Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, yeah that is Lemmy.
:'''Beavis''': What's he doing in this video?
:'''Butt-head''': He's Lemmy. He can walk into any damn video he wants!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, that's probably because he rules! Hey look, Butt-head, someone's hassling your Uncle Jack!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, he's not supposed to be in a bar!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, he always gets all drunk and gets in a fight! And then calls up!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, he says: [''disoriented''] &quot;Uhhhhhh hey Butt-head, bluuh, you think you could come down here? Uh huh huh huh.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Next time he does that, we should go.

===[[w:Rancid (band)|Rancid]], &quot;Nihilism&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhuhuhuhuh, honor students. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, this video looks like one of those old punk bands, you know, but it's like, the video doesn't look old, so it's like, it seems like a bunch of guys now, they're like--
:'''Beavis''': Aah, shut up Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay. Uh, I mean, Beavis, what did you just say?
:'''Beavis''': I said shut up! I'm sick and tired of listening to your stupid crap. Just shut up.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. &quot;I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.&quot; Shut up!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, there's gonna be two hits: my hand hitting your face, and uh…my hand hitting your face again.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah right, and I'm gonna kick you in the nads. Just shut up.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, don't you ''ever'' tell me to shut up. I'm gonna beat the living crap out of you.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah yeah right. I'm gonna cave your nads in.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis. I'm going to beat the living crap out of your ass.
:'''Beavis''': [''kicks Butt-head in the testicles, causing him to fall to the floor''] Take that, dumbass. Shut up. Yeah yeah, shut up. I'm gonna go get something to eat. [''walks away'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''In pain''] Beavis, get back here and fight like a man!

===[[w:Red Hot Chili Peppers|Red Hot Chili Peppers]]===

::''See also: Red Hot Chili Peppers, [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience#&quot;Search And Destroy&quot; covered by Red Hot Chili Peppers|&quot;Search And Destroy&quot;]], ''[[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience]]'' (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 10.''

====&quot;[[w:Higher Ground (Red Hot Chili Peppers song)|Higher Ground]]&quot;====

:'''Butt-head''': (On Flea) Hey Beavis, he has your hair.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:tattoo|Tattoos]] are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. I'm gonna get one.
:'''Butt-head''': You could have &quot;I'm a puss&quot; tattood on your butt.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I saw pictures of these guys, and they had socks on their penises.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool.

====&quot;[[w:Show Me Your Soul|Show Me Your Soul]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!  This is cool!
:'''Beavis''': This ''doesn't'' suck.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Anthony Kiedis|Anthony Kiedis]] is cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  These guys get all the chicks.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  These guys are cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Flea (musician)|Flea]] is cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Flea is cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a skull is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': I like the skull.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''masks are shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  A mask!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's like that joke, &quot;If you were as ugly as me, I would shave my head and put a mask on my butt and walk backwards.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': No, dillweed, that's not how it goes!  It's, &quot;If my dog was as ugly as me, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': You mean, &quot;If your dog was as ugly as you.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': That's what I said!  &quot;If my dog was as ugly as me, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  That's pretty funny.

===[[w:Rednex|Rednex]], &quot;[[w:Cotton Eyed Joe|Cotton Eyed Joe]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…what is this?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, I know. This is that song &quot;Cotton-Eyed Joe&quot;, we used to sing this in kindergarten.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. I remember that. Kindergarten was cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Kindergarten ruled. They'd give us, like, fingerpaints, and you'd just, like, mess everything up and then you'd, like, drink a bunch of Kool-Aid and then go, like, lie down on your little towel. That rules
:'''Butt-head''': That was back when school was cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. And then sometimes, I'd go running around with my pants down, and I wouldn't get in trouble.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Remember that time in kindergarden, when we were playing store and you called the teacher a whore? And then you tried to give her some of that play money?
:'''Beavis''': Heh, yeah. I think that was the first time I ever got some.
:'''Butt-head''': You didn't get any, dumbass. She just spanked you and told you to shut up.

===[[w:The Reverend Horton Heat|Reverend Horton Heat]]===
====&quot;Psychobilly Freakout&quot;====
:'''Jim Heath''': It's a Psychobilly Freakout!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's a Psychobilly Freakout! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!
:'''Butt-head''': This dude is weird!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. He's like, our kind of people.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think I used to see this guy down at Maxi-Mart, like, playing [[video games]] all day and like, drinking Slushies.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, I heard he got a million points on Centipede once.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He's cool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jim''': It's a Psychobilly Freakout!
:'''Beavis''': It's a Psychobilly Freakout! Yeah, yeah! That's what it is, Butt-head! It's a Psychobilly Freakout! Everybody pull down your pants, [''shaking''] ah-YEEEEEEEAHHHHHHHHHHHHH''OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO''AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Um, heh, hey Butt-head, what kind of music is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…
:'''Jim''': I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT IIIISS!!!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh huh huh huh huh.
:'''Jim''': IT'S SOME KINDA TEXAS PSYCHOBILLY FREAKOUT, THAT'S WHAT IT IIISS!!!
:'''Butt-head''': I think it's, like, some kind of country music, but it's, like, country music after you've been, like, playing Centipede for, like, twenty four hours.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. This would make good music to play, like, while your playing Centipede? It's like, y'know, instead of you just goin' around goin': &quot;DUN DUN DUN DUN DIDDLE-A DA DA DUN DUN DUN DUN DIDDLE-A DA!&quot; Heheheheh, yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': I bet you could score a lot of points.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Yeah, maybe you could score! Yeah!

====&quot;Wiggle Stick&quot;====
:[''video opens with snakes'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, snakes are cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I've got a good feeling about this video.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, me too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': YES!
:'''Butt-head''': This guy rules!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  This guy rocks!  He ROCKS!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''singing along badly''] I got a wiggle stick, mama!  [''normal voice''] ''I'' got a wiggle stick.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, don't wiggle it here.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This guy has, like, a really cool jacket, and like, there's snakes, and it rocks, and it's like, it's like, just cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  This is cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, get him!  Get him in the butt!  Yeah!  Yeah, yeah!  Get him!  Get him!  Get him in the butt!  Yeah!  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Did I mention that this is cool?
:'''Beavis''': Um, I don't think so.

===[[w:Rockwell (musician)|Rockwell]], &quot;[[w:Somebody's Watching Me|Somebody's Watching Me]]&quot;===
:[''a newspaper with Oriental characters is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': What's all that crap on the newspaper?
:'''Beavis''': I think that's like, um...words and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a dog is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, Beavis, it's one of those [[w:Labrador Retriever|Lavatory Retrievers]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  How come, like, when you go to the dentist, sometimes they call the bathroom the laboratory?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...I don't know.
:'''Beavis''': Maybe it's 'cause, like, that's where the dentist goes when he inspects your [[w:Testicle|nads]].
:'''Butt-head''': Your dentist inspects your nads?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Doesn't yours?
:'''Butt-head''': No.  That's what the ''doctor'' does, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': My dentist ''always'' looks at my nads.  I have full coverage.  Yeah.

===[[w:The Rolling Stones|Rolling Stones]], &quot;Emotional Rescue&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this ''[[w:Predator (film)|Predator]]''?
:'''Beavis''': Um, I think this is [[w:Mortal Kombat|Mortal Kombat]].  Yeah, yeah!  They're gonna pull that guy's spine out!  YAAAAHHHHH!  AAAAHHHH!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe these are, like, those Desert Storm dogs.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That was cool.  The mother of all wars has begun!  YAAAAAAAOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!  Incoming scud!
:'''Butt-head''': You're pretty cool sometimes, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  Thanks.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Remember when we saw that thing on TV about that dude in this band who, like, married that chick?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!  He married his son's daughter, and then it's, like, his son married his mom.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  And so like, so like, the uh, like - like - like, his son was like, uh, a dork.
:'''Butt-head''': So like, his own son was, like, his stepdad.
:'''Beavis''': And then like, his mom was actually, um, uh, a slut.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  She's a slut!  And then it turned out that that dude was only 16.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:Rollins Band|Rollins Band]]===
====&quot;Disconnect&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, hey Butt-head, check it out, it's the liar!  &quot;Liar, Liar, I'll rip your guts out!  I'll kick your ass!  Liar!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up!  Those aren't the words.
:'''Beavis''': WHOA, WHORES!  Check it out, Butt-head!  Whores!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Whores rule.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That would suck to be a cab driver.
:'''Beavis''': Um, no wait, Butt-head, I think it'd be pretty cool.  I'd be a good cab driver, I'd be, like, &quot;Where are you going today, ma'am?  Okay.  How do you get there?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': You would suck, Beavis.  You sounded like a stupid dork.  You're never gonna be able to do anything.
:'''Beavis''': That would be cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Henry Rollins is shown walking through a crowded street'']
:'''Beavis''': Check out this part, Butt-head.  &quot;Excuse me, hey.  Hey, excuse me, pardon me.  Hey!  Hey, dammit!  Hey!  Hey, watch it!  Dammit!  Dammit!  Man!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, just shut up.
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, okay.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Henry Rollins is shown doing push-ups'']
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit.  Just when you think something cool's about to happen, he starts showing off how strong he is.
:'''Beavis''': Butt-head, I don't want to hear you complaining on this video.  This is about the only cool thing we've seen in a long time.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, don't ever take that tone with me.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Liar (Rollins Band song)|Liar]]&quot;====
:'''Henry Rollins''': So you think you're gonna live your life alone…
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:'''Henry Rollins''': …in darkness and [[seclusion]].
:'''Beavis''': Darkness rules!
:'''Henry Rollins''': …and then you meet me.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I'd like to meet you. That'd be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': He's talking to a chick, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Henry Rollins is wearing a Superman outfit with the letter &quot;R&quot; on his chest'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, isn't that the wrong letter on his chest?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, isn't it supposed to be like a five on there, or something?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Maybe because like he's a liar, he put the wrong letter on there?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. He's a liar. Liar!
:'''Butt-head''': Lying rules.

===[[w:David Lee Roth|David Lee Roth]]===
====&quot;Just a Gigolo/I Ain't Got Nobody&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': This dude used to be the lead singer for [[w:Van Halen|Van Halen]].  They got that video, &quot;[[w:Right Now (Van Halen song)|Right Now]].&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's that video with all those words on the screen.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Like, &quot;Right now, David wishes he had his old job back.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Like, &quot;Right now, David is planning to kill [[w:Sammy Hagar|Sammy Hagar]].&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Right now, David is trying to convince some chick that he used to be the lead singer for Van Halen.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''David Lee Roth enters a room with Michael Jackson'']
:'''Beavis''': Fire!  Fire!  Fire!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Hey, where's Tito?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This dude dances like [[w:John Mellencamp|John Cougar Mallomar]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  But he doesn't suck as much.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  John Cougar Melon Balls really sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  John Cougar Military Camp.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': The one cool thing about this dude is that he always has chicks with big thingies in his videos.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Just Like Paradise|Just Like Paradise]]&quot;====
:[''video opens with David Lee Roth rock climbing'']
:'''Butt-head''': He's stuck in a crack.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''guitarist is shown playing a heart-shaped guitar'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That guitar is cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  It's shaped like one of those things.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Like that tattoo on your mom's butt.
:'''Beavis''': No, that one's on her shoulder.  She's got a battleship on her butt.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''mocking David Lee Roth's long hair''] And remember, I'm not only the Hair Club president, I'm also a member!
:'''Butt-head''': You said &quot;member.&quot;  That was cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Sing, fat boy!  Sing!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Paradise sucks.  Yeah.

====&quot;She's My Machine&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...who the Hell ''is'' this?
:'''Beavis''': Um...um...um...
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, this guy sorta sounds familiar.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  He kinda looks familiar, too.  Um...umm...is this Adam Curry?
:'''Butt-head''': No.  Uh, is it Sting?
:'''Beavis''': No, that's not Sting, that's umm...uh, oh, I know, that's Miss Romano from, um, from, uh, uh, [[w:One Day at a Time|One Day at a Time]]!
:'''Butt-head''': No it's not!  I think it's David Lee Roth?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah right.  Um...maybe it's, umm--
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I think this is David Lee Roth.  Oh my God!
:'''Beavis''': Oh!  Yeah, yeah, it's him!  Where are all the chicks?
:'''Butt-head''': I don't know.  It's like, something's wrong with him.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I'm concerned about him.

===[[w:Run-D.M.C.|Run-D.M.C.]], &quot;[[w:Down with the King (song)|Down with the King]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Yes!
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is a def jam.  These guys are def.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  You mean they can't hear?
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Are you down with the king?
:'''Beavis''': Are they talking about, like, [[w:Don King|Don King]]?
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass, he was talking about [[w:Burger King|Burger King]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Pete Rock''': ...since kindergarten, I acquired the knowledge, and after 12th grade, I went straight to college.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  College sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I don't like knowledge, either.

===[[RuPaul]], &quot;[[w:Supermodel (You Better Work)|Supermodel (You Better Work)]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': This chick is hot.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah?  Would you make out with her?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  I'd be all over it!
:'''Butt-head''': Really?  That's a ''guy'', Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': No way!
:'''Butt-head''': You want to make out with a dude!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': He's got a nice butt, huh, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Ooh!  He's sexy, huh, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!

===[[w:Rush (band)|Rush]], &quot;Stick It Out&quot;===
:[''video opens with a shirtless man in dreadlocks'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, is that Jesus?  Is that our Lord Jesus Christ?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no, I think it's [[w:Lenny Kravitz|Lenny Kravitz]].
:'''Beavis''': Umm...no, I think it's... [''disappointed''] oh, it's Rush.  Oh, God.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': [''imitating the Rush song &quot;The Spirit of Radio&quot;''] ''Invisible airwaves crackle with life!  Bright antennae bristle with the energy!'' Um, this guitar sounds kinda cool, though.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  If you happen to be a wuss.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': A dude with dreadlocks and tattoos strapped to a chair.  That's a good idea for a video.
:'''Beavis''': Um, didn't they do that before?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but like, ''this'' guy's on a pole.
:'''Beavis''': O - oh yeah, yeah.  No, wait a minute, Butt-head!  I think they already did that, too, I saw a dude, like, strapped to a chair up on, you know, like, on a pole.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but he didn't have dreadlocks.
:'''Beavis''': Um...umm, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right.  He had tattoos, though.  That's what I was thinking.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it's like, they've had dudes with dreadlocks strapped to a chair on a pole...
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': ...but they didn't have a tattoo.
:'''Beavis''': M hm.
:'''Butt-head''': And it's like, they had dudes with tattoos tied to a chair...
:'''Beavis''': Yep.
:'''Butt-head''': ...but like, they weren't on a pole...
:'''Beavis''': Yep.
:'''Butt-head''': ...and they didn't have dreadlocks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I remember that.  Yep.
:'''Butt-head''': So this is, like, you know, all original and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that's right.  That's right.  M hm.  [''chuckling''] Pole.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Pole.
:'''Beavis''': I think I saw Lenny Kravitz tied to a cross once, too.
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis, that was Jesus!
:'''Beavis''': Oh, oh yeah, yeah.  You're right.
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

==S==
===[[w:Sagat (rapper)|Sagat]], &quot;Why Is It? (Funk Dat)&quot;===
:'''Sagat''': Funk dat!
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  Did you hear that?  He said, &quot;Funk dat.&quot;  Funk dat!  Yeah, that's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Funk dat!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sagat''': Question...
:'''Butt-head''': Queshtun.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Queshtun!
:'''Butt-head''': That's pretty good, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Thanks.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a little boy stomps on Sagat's foot'']
:'''Beavis''': YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!  STEP ON HIM!  Kick him in the nads!  KICK HIM!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Funk dat!
:'''Beavis''': Funk dat, funk dat!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sagat''': Question!
:'''Beavis''': [''parroting Sagat''] Queshtun!
:'''Sagat''': Why is it that every time I turn on the radio...
:'''Beavis''': Why is it that every time I turn on the rrradio...
:'''Sagat''': ...I hear the same five songs fifteen times a day for three months?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Question.  Why is it that Beavis is fiddling with his wiener 15 times a day for three months? 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Funk dat!
:'''Beavis''': Question.  Why is it that every time I ask Butt-head to change the channel because a video sucks, he never does it?  Funk dat!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': They should get this guy on that [[w:60 Minutes|16 Minutes]] show instead of that old [[w:Andy Rooney|Mickey Rooney]] dude they got.  He sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Check this out, Butt-head.  [''imitating [[w:Andy Rooney|Andy Rooney]]''] You know what I don't understand?  Why is it that every time I pick my nose, it's full again in a few minutes?  Yeah. Funk dat!
:'''Butt-head''': You sound just like that buttmunch!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  Check this out, too. [''imitating Andy Rooney again''] How come they call it &quot;[[w:defecation|taking a dump]]&quot; and not &quot;leaving a dump&quot;?  I mean, after all, you're not really taking it anywhere!  Yeah.  Funk dat!

===[[w:Salt-N-Pepa|Salt-N-Pepa]], &quot;[[w:Push It (Salt n Pepa song)|Push It]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': I like chicks with leather jackets.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Me too!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Salt-N-Pepa''': Push it!
:'''Butt-head''': Push what?
:'''Beavis''': Push it!  Push it!  Push it!
:'''Butt-head''': What are they talking about, Beavis?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Salt-N-Pepa''': Push it good!
:'''Beavis''': Push ''what?''
:'''Butt-head''': Push that little button on the remote.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

===Sausage, &quot;[[w:Riddles Are Abound Tonight|Riddles Are Abound Tonight]]&quot;===
:[''music starts, then suddenly stops'']
:'''Beavis''': What?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...
:'''Beavis''': What the hell was that?
:'''Butt-head''': Hmm.  What the hell is this?
:'''Beavis''': Ummmm, I think this is [[w:Primus (band)|Primus]].
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no.  This is the Seminefrious Tubloidial Buttnoids.
:'''Beavis''': Really?
:'''Butt-head''': These guys, like, crawl up into people's butts and, like, go exploring.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''notices the lights on the band members' heads''] Hey, Butt-head.  What are those lights for?
:'''Butt-head''': That's so, like, they can see when they're crawling around inside your butt.
:'''Beavis''': No way.  You mean it's dark in your butt?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  You know when they say, &quot;Stick it where the sun don't shine&quot;?
:'''Beavis''': Mm hmm.
:'''Butt-head''': They're talking about your butt.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhhh!  I thought it meant, like, under your pillow, or something.  But like, um, if it's dark inside your butt, then like, how do the turds find their way out?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...I think they can, like, see in the dark, like bats.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhh!  Yeah, th - that makes a lot of sense.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  We should go see these guys in concert.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Ladies and gentlemen, the Seminefrious Tubloidial Buttnoids!
:'''Beavis''': The Seminefrious Tulabloidial Buttnoids have left your pants.

===[[w:Scandal (American band)|Scandal]], &quot;[[w:Goodbye to You (Scandal song)|Goodbye to You]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  This is stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And it sucks, too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at these special effects.
:'''Beavis''': These special effects suck.
:'''Butt-head''': Do you have to spit when you talk, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I always try to hock a loogie when I talk.
:'''Butt-head''': You just spit in my eye, assmunch.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''about singer [[w:Patty Smyth|Patty Smyth]]''] Is this [[w:Pat Benatar|Pat Nebatar]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  She's that chick that had sexual intercourse with [[w:Don Henley|Dan Henley]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Patty Smyth''': Goodbye to you.
:'''Butt-head''': Goodbye to glue.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Patty Smith''': Goodbye to you...
:'''Beavis''': [''high-pitched voice''] GOODBYE TO POO-OOOO!
:'''Butt-head''': Goodbye to poo!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

===[[w:Scatman John|Scatman John]], &quot;[[w:Scatman (Ski-Ba-Bop-Ba-Dop-Bop)]]&quot;===
:'''Scatman John''': Ska-badabadabadoo-belidabbely...
:'''Beavis''': ''[freaking out]'' AAH!! AAAHH!! ''[convulses and spouts gibberish until Butt-head hits him]'' OW!! AAHHH!! Whoa. What is this?
:'''Butt-head''': It's the Scatman.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. They should have a name for this kind of music.
:'''Butt-head''': There already is a name for this music, Beavis. It's called crap.
:'''Beavis''': They oughta have, you know, a crap section in the record store.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It should be out in the dumpster.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head. There's cool stuff in the dumpster. You wouldn't wanna mess it up with this crap.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This is like that music they play in those clothes stores in the mall, where they have a bunch of TV screens.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. And it's all loud, and then the salespeople come up and say &quot;Hi, would you like a tie today?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Those places are stupid.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh boy, this sure is horrible. ''[snickers]''
:'''Butt-head''': The United Colors of [[w:Benetton_Group|Bentaton]]...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Scatman John''': Be-bop-ba-badda-boop...
:'''Beavis''': You know, it kinda sounded like he said &quot;Poop&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, this is the Scatman, and scat is like, another word for poop.
:'''Beavis''': How'd you know that?
:'''Butt-head''': I learned that when I did my report on feces.

===[[w:Scorpions (band)|Scorpions]], &quot;[[w:Rock You Like a Hurricane|Rock You Like a Hurricane]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  Is this [[Michael Jackson]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, that's where he sleeps.
:'''Beavis''': Nah, he told [[w:Oprah Winfrey|Oprah]] he doesn't really sleep in a [[w:Hypobaric chamber|hyperbolic chamber]].  And he has a [[w:Vitiligo|skin disease]].
:'''Butt-head''': You watch ''[[w:The Oprah Winfrey Show|Oprah]]''?!  [''laughs''] What a wuss!
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, bunghole!  I just watched it that once because I thought they'd show his hair on fire.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...yeah.  ''Right'', Beavis.  What a wuss.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I'm not just a [[w:Hair Club|Hair Club]] member -- I'm the president!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  You said &quot;[[w:Penis|member]]&quot;!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Let's try to find a video that ''doesn't'' suck.

===[[w:Seaweed (band)|Seaweed]], &quot;Kid Candy&quot;===
:[''video opens with no music'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, what happened to the sound?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Ummm...
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys seem pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  It's like, they kinda remind me of myself.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, right!  You remind me of, like, [[w:Steve Urkel|Urkel]].
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  I'm cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a photo of a bicycle is shown'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey, hey, THAT'S MY BIKE!  Remember, my bike was stolen last week, that's it!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...that's not your bike, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah it is!  That's my bike.  That dude ripped off my bike!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...did you lock it?
:'''Beavis''': Uhh...um, uh, maybe not.  These fartknockers ripped off my bike!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis, that's not your bike!
:'''Beavis''': That's my bike, Butt-head, how do you know?!
:'''Butt-head''': Because, Beavis, ''I'' stole your bike.  It was cool.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head!  You didn't steal my bike, you just got a new one last week.  It looks just like mine.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...okay, Beavis.  You're stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  You know what else, someone else stole five bucks from me last week.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, since you don't have that bike anymore, can I like, have your lock?
:'''Beavis''': Um, I guess.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I'll give you five bucks for it.
:'''Beavis''': Um, okay.
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass.

===[[w:Brian Setzer|Brian Setzer]], &quot;Rebelene&quot;===
:[''video is set at a gas station'']
:'''Beavis''': Um, what's wrong with this dude's hair?
:'''Butt-head''': Look who's talking, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': What are you talking about, there's nothing wrong with my hair.  My hair's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Besides, that's not his hair, Beavis.  He's like, wearing some kind of [[w:Coonskip cap|Davy Crockett hat]] or something.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head, that's his hair!
:'''Butt-head''': No it's not, Beavis!  It's, like, a squirrel or something.
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, they got [[w:Crocodile Dundee|Crocodile Dundee]] in the band!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, it's pronounced &quot;Dun''dee'',&quot; Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  I didn't know he played.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He jams with [[w:Midnight Oil|Midnight Oil]] sometimes.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, really?  He sounds better with these guys.  I'm glad to see he hooked up with a good band.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This dude's, like, getting on my nerves.  It's like, quit wiggling around and get me some gas!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really!  And check the oil, dammit!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  And wash my windows, buttknocker!
:'''Beavis''': Don't call him that, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Why not, buttknocker?
:'''Beavis''': Dammit, Butt-head, don't call me that, I told you that before!  And don't call ''him'' that, either.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Brian Setzer plays his guitar in masturbatory fashion'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look, he's choking his chicken!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Brian!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That was pretty cool.  Hey, Butt-head.  I might get a guitar.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Then in the morning, you could like, just say, &quot;Uh, I'm practicing.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  &quot;I'm wack-tising.&quot;  Yeah.

===[[w:Shaggy (artist)|Shaggy]], &quot;[[w:Boombastic|Boombastic]]&quot;===
:'''Shaggy''': Mr. Boombastic!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! [''imitating Shaggy''] Yeah, Bombastic! Here it is!
:'''Butt-head''': [''putting on a foreign accent in imitation''] Mr. Romantic, Mr. Bombastic.
:'''Beavis''': [''babbles faux-Shaggy gibberish, the only comprehensible words are &quot;romantic&quot; and &quot;bombastic&quot;'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Bombastic! Yeah. [''imitating Shaggy''] BOMB-BAS-TIC! De bombastic.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': What does &quot;bombastic&quot; mean, anyway?
:'''Butt-head''': Well, it's like, bombastic is even better than fantastic. It's like, if you were scoring with a chick, you'd be saying &quot;Uhh, this is bombastic&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Really? I was thinking, if I was gonna score, I'd be going &quot;Yeah, hoowah, spatang, spatang, yeah, tap dat ass!&quot;, you know, stuff like that.
:'''Butt-head''': Really? I ever score I'm gonna be going [''impersonating Shaggy''] &quot;This is fantastic, Mr. bombastic.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Smooth.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': What is this accent he's talking in?
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass, it's foreign!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Beavis humps the couch whilst Butt-head looks at him in shock'']
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it Beavis, cut that out!
:'''Beavis''': [''imitating Shaggy''] Bombastic, Mr. Fantastic…

===[[w:The Shamen|The Shamen]], &quot;[[w:Ebeneezer Goode|Ebeneezer Goode]]&quot;===
:'''The Shamen''': A great philosopher once wrote, &quot;Naughty, naughty, very naughty.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': [''imitating''] ''Naughty!  Naughty!  Very naughty, naughty!  Naughty, naughty!  Naughty!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are from [[w:England|that country]] where everything sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And they all talk like wussies.  ''Naughty!  Very naughty!''
:'''Butt-head''': People from that country are stupid.  [''mock-British accent''] I do say, old chap, time to choke my chicken!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Bloody well right!

===[[w:Shonen Knife|Shonen Knife]], &quot;Tomato Head&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...oh no!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, um, this isn't very good, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Thank you, Beavis, like I couldn't have figured that out myself.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah.  Anytime.
:'''Butt-head''': Boy.  This really isn't very good! 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Uh, I ''know'' that, Butt-head.  Tell me something I ''don't'' know.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay.  You know the last time you went to the bathroom? 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': I hocked a loogie in your Coke, and you drank it!
:'''Beavis''': Um...uh...
:'''Butt-head''': It was cool!
:'''Beavis''': I knew that!  I spit it out.
:'''Butt-head''': No, you didn't.  You drank it!
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  I took a dump on a cracker you were eating one time. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, I remember that.  But I didn't eat it.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but it was cool!  You ate the cracker.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I took the turd off and finished the cracker.  So what?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': By the way, this video really sucks, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.  Tell me something I d-- uh, I mean, yeah.  This sucks!  Yeah!  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Shudder to Think|Shudder to Think]], &quot;Hit Liquor&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': This is horrible!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.  Bunch of rich kid sissy boys prancing around on a boat.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, it's [[w:Don Henley|Don Henley]]!  I didn't know he was a wuss!
:'''Butt-head''': You ''didn't?''  Where have you been, Beavis?  He's a ''total'' wuss!
:'''Beavis''': Um, really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Any time you see a dude on TV and he's, like, trying to save some forest or something, it means he's a total wussy.
:'''Beavis''': Um...uh, really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Let me see, um...[[w:Sting|Sting]], yeah, he's a wuss.
:'''Butt-head''': M hm.
:'''Beavis''': Let's see, um, who else, umm...[[w:Ted Danson|Ted Danson]]?  Yeah, he's a wussy.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And don't forget [[w:Jackson Browne|Jackson Browne]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': AAH!  Look at that, he's like, fiddling around with a dead guy's boobs!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
:'''Beavis''': This is scary, Butt-head!  What if after I die, like, some guy comes around and fiddles around with my wiener?
:'''Butt-head''': So what, Beavis?  You'd be dead, it doesn't matter.
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah, I guess so.  I guess if, like, if I was out in the ocean with a dead chick, I'd probably kiss her.
:'''Butt-head''': I'd kiss a dead chick right here.
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah.  So would I, yeah.  Um, but that's kinda messed up, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I know, I was just kidding, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um...
:'''Butt-head''': You were probably serious!
:'''Beavis''': Well, no.  Not really.

===[[w:Sick of It All|Sick of It All]], &quot;Step Down&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': This dude should get a better apartment.
:'''Beavis''': It's like, at least we may not be millionaires, but at least we have decent places to live.
:'''Butt-head''': No we don't.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah. Well, at least we're pretty happy.
:'''Butt-head''': No we're not.
:'''Beavis''': Well, at least we have lots of friends.
:'''Butt-head''': Not really.
:'''Beavis''': Are we healthy?
:'''Butt-head''': No.
:'''Beavis''': Our lives suck!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. We're cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': These dances are pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but they're too easy. Check this out. [''the camera cuts back to them. Butt-head makes pelvic thrusts while Beavis punches and kicks in the air. Caption reads &quot;The Dillhole&quot;'']
:'''Beavis''': That's cool. Remember this one? [''the camera cuts back to them. Butt-head shakes his butt while Beavis jumps up and down with a gyrating motion. Caption reads &quot;The Bunghole&quot;'']
:'''Butt-head''': Or how about this one? [''the camera cuts back to them. Butt-head jumps back and forth across the room while Beavis sways his arms. Caption reads &quot;The Fartknocker Double Inverted Nad Twist&quot;'']
:'''Beavis''': Next time we go to a dance, I'm gonna pull down my pants and ask a chick to do the Gorilla.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, the only dance you know is the Monkey.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. I'm gonna do the Monkey right now.

===[[w:Silverchair|Silverchair]], &quot;[[w:Tomorrow (Silverchair song)|Tomorrow]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''sings''] [[w:More Than a Feeling|More than a feeling]]…
:'''Butt-head''': I woke up this morning, the sun was gone…
:'''Beavis''': CLOSED MY EYES AND IT SLIPPED AWAY!!!
:'''Butt-head''': That song's stupid.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, get a haircut, hippie!
:'''Butt-head''': This isn't the sixties, dillhole! 
:'''Beavis''': My uncle didn't go to Vietnam just so you could walk around with long, hippy-boy hair with your shirt off, heh, damnit.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, your uncle never went to Vietnam, Beavis. He was in jail. 
:'''Beavis''': I know, I know, that's what I said. My Uncle ''didn't'' go to Vietnam so you could have long hair, see? That's what I meant. 
:'''Butt-head''': You're a stupid, dumb bunghole, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': I am ''not''. Shut up, Butt-head. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think this is supposed to be, like, freaking us out, but I'm un-freaked. In fact, this video is making me feel totally normal.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I mean, this is, you know, just a normal video like you always see, really.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it's like, you know, if you turned on the TV and this was on, I'd go, like, &quot;Yep. That's what I thought I was gonna see.&quot;

===[[Frank Sinatra]] &amp; [[Bono]], &quot;[[w:I've Got You Under My Skin|I've Got You Under My Skin]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey, it's [[w:Jack Webb|that guy]] from ''[[Dragnet]]''!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I carry a badge. My name's Friday.
:'''Beavis''': [''Bono appears on screen''] Yeah. My name's Boner. 
:'''Butt-head''': My name's Boner's dad.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''on Frank Sinatra''] Whoa! Who's that old guy?
:'''Butt-head''': I think that's like, some dude from [[Eagles (band)|The Eagles]] or something.
:'''Beavis''': Or like, one of those [[The Rolling Stones|Rolling Stones]] guys?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. I think that's [[Keith Richards]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. He's cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, hey! Did you hear that? They're like, screwing up. They're not together. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Boner's dad needs to have a talk with him. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': He needs to say &quot;Dammit Boner, learn to sing before I kick your ass.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. He needs to say &quot;Get in your room and practice, dammit!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': You'd make a good father, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Thanks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this like, classic rock?
:'''Beavis''': Uh… I don't know.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frank Sinatra''': I've got you under my skin…
:'''Butt-head''': He said &quot;skin.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': [''Laughs''] &quot;Skin.&quot;

===[[w:Sir Mix-a-Lot|Sir Mix-a-Lot]], &quot;[[w:Baby Got Back|Baby Got Back]]&quot;===
::''See also: Sir Mix-a-Lot, [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience#&quot;Monsta Mack&quot; by Sir Mix-a-Lot|&quot;Monsta Mack&quot;]], ''[[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience]]'' (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 9.''

:'''Butt-head''': I like [[w:buttocks|butts]]. Huh-huh. Butts are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].

===[[w:The Sisters of Mercy|The Sisters of Mercy]], &quot;[[w:Doctor Jeep|Doctor Jeep]]&quot;===
:[''television monitors are shown in the background throughout most of the video'']
:'''Beavis''': Is this, like, ''[[w:Jeopardy!|Jeopardy]]''?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Uh, I'll take &quot;Stuff That Sucks&quot; for 500, Alex.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. What is [[w:John Mellencamp|John Cougar Mellencamp]]?
:'''Butt-head''': You're supposed to form your question in the phrase of an answer.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': You are now discolorfied.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''footage of televangelist [[w:Jimmy Swaggart|Jimmy Swaggart]] is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  It's that dude who likes all those prostitutes!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Check this out, Beavis.  [''imitating Jimmy Swaggart''] ''&quot;I have sinned against you!&quot;''  That was cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this [[w:CNN|CNN]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  How come they never show reruns on the news?
:'''Butt-head''': They ''do!''  That's why it sucks!  Every time you see something, it's already happened.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That would be cool if, like, there was an explosion, and they would tell you where it's gonna happen so you could go check it out.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  That would be great!

===[[w:Six Finger Satellite|Six Finger Satellite]], &quot;Parlour Games&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Ah boy. I think this video has a message.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. The message is leave. Don't watch it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This video is, um, it's like it's causing me to influence my behaviour. I'm gonna leave. I'm gonna go into the kitchen and break something. [''leaves the room''] It's all this damn video's fault! [''sounds of banging metal can be heard'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': [''more intense crashes and bangs can be heard''] Eh! Ugh! Son of a bitch!
:'''Butt-head''': Go for it, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': This is cool!
:'''Butt-head''': The video still sucks!
:'''Beavis''': [''more crashes and bangs can be heard''] This is cool, Butt-head! [''the crashing and banging becomes really intense''] Ugh! Son of a bitch! AAAHH!!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, Beavis? Beavis? Settle down.
:'''Beavis''': [''going really crazy with the crashing and banging''] YAAAHHH!!! YOU MUST DIE!!!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, don't break the popcorn, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': AAAAAHHHYYAAAAAHHH!!! [''breaks something''] OW!! OW!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Dammit! I cut my leg! [''re-enters''] I cut myself. Where are the band-aids?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, they're in the bathroom.
:'''Beavis''': [''leaves''] Aah, I'm bleeding! Ow!
:'''Butt-head''': This is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but I'm bleeding. And it's all this video's fault. [''crashes can be heard'']

===[[w:Skatenigs|Skatenigs]], &quot;Chemical Imbalance&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Skateboards are cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Like, I was skateboarding down a hill once, and I like, hit this rock, and it stopped my skateboard, only I kept going, so I landed on my stomach, and I kept, like, sliding, like, for a hundred feet, and I scraped up my entire body--
:'''Butt-head''': What are you talking about, Beavis?  You've never skateboarded in your life!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Oh yeah.  Sorry about that.  But - but like, anyways, s - so like, when I stood up, I had all this blood all over me, and like, these kids were watching, and like, that's when I knew skateboarding was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': You liar!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Lying is cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''footage of a guy landing on his skateboard with his crotch is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Ugh!
:'''Beavis''': YES!  YES!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, like, this band sucks.  But it's like, they suck, like, in new ways, you know?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Like, they suck in ways we haven't, like, seen stuff suck before.  So it's, like, pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  It's like, a lot of bands suck, but then like, these guys, like, suck, like, in their own way.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': So it's like, it's like, pretty cool because, like, stuff sucks, but it's like, it sucks, like, in a different way.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  But like, what I was trying to say, is like, they suck.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah, yeah.

===[[w:Skee-Lo|Skee-Lo]], &quot;I Wish&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Ah, boy. Look at that, he's trying to be [[Forrest Gump]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Life is like a little box of chocolates. That would be cool to like, try to pick up a chick by giving her a box of chocolates, because then, like if you strike out, you can at least eat the chocolate.
:'''Beavis''': That’s not a bad idea. I think I’m gonna go get me some [[w:M&amp;M's|Enamems]] and spank my monkey.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, you know what they say about short dudes, they got like, really big, uh…you know.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but you know, I tried telling a chick that once, and she said &quot;I don’t care how big your turds are.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': [''laughs''] You dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': No, I’m serious, Butt-head. You know, I was going &quot;I got really long turds. You wanna see 'em?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you were telling a chick you have long turds?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! And it didn’t work. I said, you know, &quot;They call me Mr. Poop a lot.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you’re making me sick, shut up! I was talking about wieners!
:'''Beavis''': But um…oh. Oh, I see!

===[[w:Skrew|Skrew]], &quot;Picasso Trigger&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Uh...come on, Butt-head, change it, I think this is that music factory thing again.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...no it's not.  I think it rocks later.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  Is this [[w:White Zombie (band)|White Zombie]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...might as well be.
:'''Beavis''': What-- [[w:Marcus Welby, M.D.|Marcus Welby]], what...
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a man is shown with a suit and sunglasses'']
:'''Butt-head''': Every time you see a dude like this in a video with a suit on and sunglasses, it means he bad.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  I think that's that guy from that commercial for the Institute of Entertainment Arts.  Check this out.  &quot;Behind every rock band is an elite group of professionals that make the show happen!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Um, I was thinking of signing up for that, you know.  I bet I could score.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you could own the whole arena, and you wouldn't score.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.  I bet I could score if I had one of those cellular phones.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, maybe.  But you're never gonna get one of those.
:'''Beavis''': Um, well, I can get a ''fake'' one.  I'd be like, &quot;Okay, we'll have the band over there, we'll be right over, okay.&quot;  Yeah.
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

===[[w:Skrillex|Skrillex]], &quot;First of the Year (Equinox)&quot;===
:'''Woman''': Call 911 now! [''man gets thrown back telikinetically'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That's cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that child molester, just messed with the wrong preschooler! Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, what makes you think he's a child molester?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, he's a child molester, believe me.  Every child molester, I've ever met, looks just like that.
:'''Butt-head''': …

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think that's supposed to be her dad.  He's like, &quot;Never shoulda sent that kid to Hogwarts.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Woman''': Call 911 now!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, that's really cool and everything, but howcome he doesn't just call 911 himself?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, who's he telling, to call 911?  Then what's he gonna tell 911 anyway?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, he'd be like, &quot;Uh, I told my niece we couldn't go see Smurfs again, and then she started warping space and time.

===[[w:Slash's Snakepit|Slash's Snakepit]], &quot;Beggars &amp; Hangers-On&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um...whoa!  Cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  This is ''bad!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...what happened to [[w:Axl Rose|Axl]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, really.  These guys were probably, like, &quot;Okay, Axl.  I'm gonna give you one more chance, but if you wear another skirt on stage, you're out of the band.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  And then [[w:Eric Dover|this guy]] came along, and he was, like, &quot;Well, okay, I won't wear a skirt, but uh, can I like, at least wear tights?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And they were, like, &quot;Hmm, tights.  Well, okay, yeah yeah, go - go ahead and wear tights.  Just don't wear any high heels or anything.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Um...who is this guy?  This guy looks familiar.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, he kinda looks like that little four-year-old down the street.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that little kid who's always going, like, &quot;It's ''my'' football!  Give it back!  I'm gonna go back to ''my'' house!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Remember that time he shoved his [[w:Power Rangers|Power Rangers]] up your butt?
:'''Beavis''': Really?  Cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I heard that kid might have the same dad as you.
:'''Beavis''': No way, really?  Cool.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': You know who else this guy looks like?  He looks like that dude that's always stomping us on the way to school and making us give him money.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  He's like, &quot;You got some money?  All the money I find on you is mine!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Remember that day he stomped your ass 'cause you only had a dime?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.

===[[w:Slaughter (band)|Slaughter]], &quot;Real Love&quot;===
:[''a clip of a man in a phone booth is shown'']
:'''Beavis''': Check this out, Butt-head.  &quot;You could be saving money on long distance calls to family and friends.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  &quot;They keep talking about big savings, but I just don't see it.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Oh, no.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhh, boy.
:'''Butt-head''': How did this ever happen?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.
:'''Butt-head''': This is like…just a bunch of bungholes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah, because...[''sees [[w:Shannen Doherty|Shannen Doherty]]''] WHOA!  That's that [[w:Brenda Walsh|Brenda bitch]] from [[w:Beverly Hills, 90210|Beverly Hills]] [''becomes hyperactive''] ''902356781234567898265''-- [''Butt-head slaps him''] Uh, 210.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, next time you're talking about that show, just say &quot;Beverly Hills&quot; and forget about the numbers, okay?
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh, okay.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': So like, why the hell is she hanging out with ''these'' wussies?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I thought that like, if you're a bitch, that you'd, like, be into, like, something more hardcore.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...I think sometimes, if you're a bitch, it's like, you listen to crap like this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, maybe that's like, it's like, she doesn't even like it, but she just like, plays this stuff just to piss people off, 'cause she's a bitch!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Bitches are cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Bitches rule! [''they change the channel'']

===[[Slayer]]===
====&quot;Seasons In the Abyss&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Where the hell is this?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, why are they playing way the hell out in the middle of no where?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': What are those guys on the horses?
:'''Butt-head''': They're like the Desert cops.  They're kicking Slayer out of the desert.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah they were playing too loud.
:'''Butt-head''': Not loud enough, dude.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  MOUW MOUW MOUW  ROOOOOOOOUUUUUW!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, look its those [[w:Sphinx|things]].  Those big [[w:Egyptian Pyramids|triangulids]].
:'''Beavis''': What?  I dunno.
:'''Butt-head''': Remember like, in [[w:The Ten Commandments (1956 film)|that movie]], that [[w:Moses|Moses]] dude built them?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  He built them like a long time ago, like like ancient.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It was like, in the [[w:1950's|50's]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and then he went and wrote the [[w:Ten Commandments|Ten Condiments]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  Thou shalt not suck.

====&quot;Serenity In Murder&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Haven't we seen this video before?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I don't know. It's hard to tell.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. I think I've seen a video like this before, where like, the music was all fast and loud, and the guys were like, you know, banging their heads like this.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. I remember that one. It was cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This music is like, nice and peaceful music.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, this is good if you just wanna like, just kinda mellow out or something.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, that sucks! He's like, some kind of scientific dude.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, that's cool. If I was a scientific, I'd like, do an experiment, you know, where it's like, I'd get a chick in and say &quot;OK chick, um, I'm gonna have to ask you to get naked, and then, I'm um, gonna experiment with your boobs.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That would rule!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': See, look! I think this dude's like, trying to catch this chick, and then, like, do experiments on her.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. That's like [[w:The Silence of the Lambs (film)|that movie]] we saw, where that dude had that chick in his basement, and he was gonna like, cut her skin off and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': See, that was a good movie. It's like, some of those movies, where it's like, &quot;No way!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Like, remember that movie, ''[[w:The Right Stuff (film)|The Right Stuff]]''?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': That was stupid. That's [[w:Mercury Seven|never gonna happen]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. That was dumb. Or like that movie, ''[[w:Alive (1993 film)|Alive]]''?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's like, that was a good idea, but that would never happen.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, like a plane would really [[w:Uruguayan Air Force Flight 571|crash like that]].

===[[w:Slim Whitman|Slim Whitman]], &quot;[[w:I Remember You (1941 song)|I Remember You]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': This guy looks like a mass murderer.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He looks kinda like you.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This guy's supposed to be better than [[w:The Beatles|The Beatles]] and [[w:Elvis Presley|Elvis]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He's not as cool as [[w:Metallica|Metallica]], though.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Why does he keep looking up?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This dude sounds like he was neutered!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is Satanic country music.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I feel like killing myself.

===[[w:Smashing Pumpkins|Smashing Pumpkins]], &quot;[[w:Today (Smashing Pumpkins song)|Today]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, that guy's about to score! Stop the truck!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, pull over, buttmunch!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[Billy Corgan]]''': Today is the greatest day I've ever known…
:'''Butt-head''': He thinks it's the greatest day because he, like, stole an ice-cream truck.
:'''Beavis''': That's cool. If I stole one of those, I'd like go out to the desert and then I'd just like start eating all the Rocket Pops, and the Chocolate Chippety Crunches, and…and the Dreamsicles, and the Nutty-Buddies…
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': And the Froggies.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are called the Smashing Pumpkins.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah? I don't see 'em smashing anything.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. And I don't see any pumpkins.
:'''Beavis''': Like, this part of the song, right here, this is pretty cool. This is where they should, like, smash stuff. See? See, right there. Right there, they could be smashing stuff, see? Instead of like, you know, doing that other stuff.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys should like, get together with the [[w:Spin Doctors|Spin Doctors]], and like, paint stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, and throw paint around. Seems like every time a bunch of guys get together and throw paint around, there's always some chicks there.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I wonder why.

===[[Snoop Dogg]], &quot;[[w:Gin and Juice|Gin and Juice]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Woah, check it out. I can't believe she's talking to Snoop that way.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. If that wasn't his mom, he'd be putting the smackdown.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Doggy-dog is in the motherf-ing houuuse.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Woah, check it out. He's got a phone on the toilet!
:'''Butt-head''': We got to get one of those.
:'''Beavis''': Woah, he just touched her boobs!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's a Doggy-Dog World!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''to the music''] May, I, kick a little something for the G's, yey-ah. [''speaking''] Ain't nothing but a G thing. I'm a G, I'm a straight G.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, you're a G for ''gonad''.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. You might get smoked if you keep that up. Watch yo back, homie.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, did you know I'm from Compton? 
:'''Butt-head''': Damnit Beavis, shut up. You're not from Compton. 
:'''Beavis''': No way Butt-head, I'm serious. I was kicking it on the street. It was hard times. I used to drink gin and juice, it was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you're a ''white wussy'' from ''right here''.
:'''Beavis''': No way Butt-head, you don't know, you weren't around then. Yeah, me and Snoop, we used to go to the Compton swap meet together. 
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you used to go to the ''flea market'' with your ''mom''.
:'''Beavis''': No way Butt-head, see, I wear this shirt because these are my colors. 
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis…
:'''Beavis''': Yep, I'm a straight G.
:'''Butt-head''': …shut up. 
:'''Beavis''': Goin to the Compton swap meet with Snoop. Sometimes I used to kick it with Dre.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, ''shut up''. You've never been to Compton, you're never gonna go to Compton, you're gonna be here for the rest of your life, you're stupid, you don't have any money and you're never gonna score.
:'''Beavis''': [''mumbling''] Um, heh, oh yeah.

===[[w:Jill Sobule|Jill Sobule]], &quot;I Kissed a Girl&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': These houses look fake, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Of course they do. That's, like, the whole point of college music, to like, make the suburbs look bad.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jill Sobule''': …such a hairy behemoth, she said…
:'''Beavis''': Hey, did you hear that, Butt-head? She said &quot;Harry Behemoth&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': What does that mean?
:'''Butt-head''': You don't know?
:'''Beavis''': I think it, maybe, um…it had something to do with stools. Poop!
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis, shut up! There are these two chicks that kiss in this video, and I don't want you talking about stools!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jill Sobule''': I kissed a girl.
:'''Beavis''': WAAAHHH!!!! Butt-head, SHE SAID SHE JUST KISSED A GIRL!!!
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it Beavis, I know! That's what I was trying to tell you when you were talking about stools.
:'''Beavis''': Wow, I'll be damned. Look at that, OHH!! Maybe they'll show it! This is gonna be cool!
:'''Butt-head''': [''seeing [[w:Fabio Lanzoni|Fabio]]''] Whoa! It's Harry Behemoth!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Boy, this is turning out to be pretty good.
:'''Butt-head''': You know, when I see two girls kissing, it kinda gives me a special feeling.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, me too. Kinda makes me wanna…make a stool. Poop!
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it Beavis, you are messed up!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jill Sobule''': I kissed a girl.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, she said it again! She said she kissed a girl again! Did you hear that?
:'''Butt-head''': You have to do a lot more than that if you wanna be a [[w:lesbian|thespian]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I like this part in here after she says she kissed a girl, where it goes &quot;Nyayayayayayayaya!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': If there were two chicks right here, making out, you'd probably just go &quot;WAAAHHHUHHHHHHHHUHHHHHHHH!!!!&quot;, and talk about stools and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yep. Sit back, watch a couple chicks make out and talk about stools.

===[[Sonic Youth]]===
====&quot;[[w:Bull in the Heather|Bull in the Heather]]&quot;====
:'''[[w:Kim Gordon|Kim Gordon]]''': 10, 20, 30, 40…
:'''Beavis''': How come she's counting? Counting sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, maybe she's counting how many times she's done it.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Counting rules.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Is this [[w:Romper Room|Romper Room]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I wouldn't know, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, me neither, I don't know. I don't know whether this is Romper Room or not.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''commenting on [[w:Kathleen Hanna|Kathleen Hanna]]'s appearance in the video'']
:'''Butt-head''': Who's that five-year-old girl who keeps bouncing around?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. She sure can't dance. Like, what's the snif-gig-ligance of that girl being there?
:'''Butt-head''': The what?
:'''Beavis''': You know, the sih…um, I forgot.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Kathleen Hanna rubs her butt against [[w:Thurston Moore|Thurston Moore]]'s crotch'']
:'''Beavis''': HEY!! GET AWAY FROM HIS WIENER!! GET AWAY!!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis. What are you, like, the wiener police or something?
:'''Beavis''': Well, how would you like it if some chick tried to touch your wiener? [''Butt-head does a double take and laughs''] Um, wait a minute.
:'''Butt-head''': What???
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. Shut up!
:'''Butt-head''': You dumbass!
:'''Beavis''': You just weren't listening. I said, like, you know, like, how would you like it if some girl was touching your wiener? That'd be pretty cool. That's what I meant, dumbass!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, right.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! I just wasn't concentrating, that's all.

====&quot;[[w:Dirty Boots|Dirty Boots]]&quot;====
:[''a ticket collector is standing under a sign that says &quot;2.00&quot;'']
:'''Butt-head''': Only two dollars to see Sonic Youth?
:'''Beavis''': That's a good deal.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''addressing a woman in the video''] Hey, how's it goin'? What high school do you go to?
:'''Beavis''': I go to the same high school you go to, what are you talking about, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': I was talking to the chick, Beavis! Dumbass!
:'''Beavis''': Well, you should have said &quot;Hey, baby&quot; then. Like this, hey baby! How's it going?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the central male and female in the video are divided by a mosh pit'']
:'''Butt-head''': Go for it, dude, she wants you!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, go for it, go for it! She wants you, c'mon! Slam into her! Slam into her, c'mon! Go for it! C'mon, grab her!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, yeah, go for it!
:'''Beavis''': Grab her!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': C'mon! Go for it!
:'''Butt-head''': See, now that dude knows how to do it.
:'''Beavis''':

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[Thurston Moore]]''': And tell the story of the jelly rollin'…
:'''Butt-head''': Tell the story of the choad?
:'''Beavis''': This is the story of a lonely little choad. He never scored. And that's the end.
:'''Butt-head''': I think that's like, uh, your story, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': It's your story too, butthole!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You sit too close to me, Beavis. Could you like, move a little further down the couch?
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head! You move! I'm all comfortable.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the protagonists of the video have gotten onstage and are kissing'']
:'''Butt-head''': If this was a real concert, some roadie'd be up there in like two seconds, kicking their asses off the stage.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, he'd just like, throw 'em out into the crowd.
:'''Butt-head''': That dude would probably break a bunch of bones and stuff, but at least he got some.

===[[w:Soundgarden|Soundgarden]]===
====&quot;[[w:Black Hole Sun|Black Hole Sun]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': It is in these hills that Juan Valdez and his trusty goat gather coffee beans every morning.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''an old man with a broad grin is slowly mowing his lawn'']
:'''Beavis''': Look at that guy's face!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I can make a face like that, check this out.  [''opens his mouth'']
:'''Beavis''': Um...that wasn't very good, Butt-head.  [''a woman frying a fish has a broad grin on her face''] AAHHHHH! AAH!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
:'''Beavis''': Th - that was scary, man.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That scared the bejesus out of me.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a man feeds a goat milk out of a baby bottle'']
:'''Beavis''': Aaawwwwww!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Aaawwwwww.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Chris Cornell''': Black hole sun, won't you come...
:'''Beavis''': Black hole sun.  Black hole?  Cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Black hole?
:'''Beavis''': Um...hey Butt-head, what is a [[black hole]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, it's sorta like a bunghole.  But it's like--
:'''Beavis''': [''interrupting''] Whoa, Butt-head, check it out!  That's that chick from Whale!  Remember?  That hobo slumping hobo slut, uh...remember?
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis, I was explaining something!
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh, okay.
:'''Butt-head''': So, like...
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh.
:'''Butt-head''': ...a black hole is, like, this giant bunghole in outer space.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhhh yeah.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': And it's like, it sucks up the whole universe, and then it's like, it grinds it up and like, sends it all to [[Hell]] or something.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really?  That’s cool.  So like, um, how do you know all this stuff?
:'''Butt-head''': From watching ''[[Star Trek]]'', bunghole.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Outshined|Outshined]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': YES!  It's about time they play something cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This guy kicks ass!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[Chris Cornell|This guy]] looks like [[Jesus of Nazareth|Jesus]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Christ is [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]]!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Chris Cornell''': I'm lookin' California...
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Seattle kicks ass!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Is everybody in Seattle cool?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  If you go to [[w:Seattle|Seattle]], anybody you see is cool.  We should go, dude.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That's that dude from the Spin Doctors.  He jams with Soundgarden sometimes.

====&quot;[[w:Rusty Cage|Rusty Cage]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': ''Yes!''
:'''Beavis''': [[w:Soundgarden|Soundgarden]] kicks ass!

====&quot;[[w:Spoonman|Spoonman]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': This is a ripoff. It's like, when I see a Soundgarden video, I wanna see Soundgarden, not just, like, pictures of Soundgarden.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, the video is just a bunch of pictures, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': What do you mean, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': Everything on TV is just, like, a bunch of pictures of something.
:'''Beavis''': No it's not! It's like, sometimes they move.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but it's still, like, moving pictures.
:'''Beavis''': No it's not, they're moving around! I mean, ''they're'' not moving around, but in other videos they're moving around.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you're gonna see a moving picture of my foot kicking your ass in about two seconds. Now just shut up and sit still.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Chris Cornell|Chris Cornell]] ([[w:Ben Shepherd|Ben Shepherd]])''': All my friends are Indians (all my friends are brown and red)…
:'''Beavis''': All his friends are brown and red? What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, it means they're, like, turds. He's telling his friends that they suck.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': No sir, I don't have any spare change. Get those damn spoons out of my face.
:'''Beavis''': Get those spoons out of my face before I shove 'em up your butt! Get outta here!

===[[Spın̈al Tap]], &quot;The Majesty of Rock&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  It's the [[w:Elizabeth II|President of England]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  She jams!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  It's those guys from [[This Is Spinal Tap|that movie]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are good!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Tap rules.

===[[w:Stacey Q|Stacey Q]], &quot;[[w:Two of Hearts|Two of Hearts]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...I think this is one of those cable access shows where you, like, call 'em up and they, like, do anything you want.
:'''Beavis''': No way!  Really?  Let's call her up!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Let's tell her to, like, shut up and like, take all her clothes off and get over here right now.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah.  She could fix us something to eat, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': That would rule!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You can tell this is, like, the kind of chick that's, like, had her [[w:Tubal ligation|tubes tied]].
:'''Beavis''': Um...so like, um...how come you know this chick's had her tubes tied?
:'''Butt-head''': Just ''look'' at her, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Um...umm, oh, ohh yeah.  Yeah.  I think I'm gonna go tie ''my'' tube.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, this music sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Um...what music?  Oh, oh yeah!  So like, um, what is this &quot;two of hearts&quot; crap?
:'''Butt-head''': You know, like, when you're playing poker.
:'''Beavis''': Uh, oh yeah.  Yeah.  I'm familiar with that game, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': When I see this chick, there's a full house in my pants.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  I have a straight! [''changes channel'']

===[[w:The Stone Roses|The Stone Roses]], &quot;[[w:Love Spreads|Love Spreads]]&quot;===
:[''a man jumps up and down'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, he's not even on a pogo stick, and he can do that, I'll be damned.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''addressing a man dressed in a devil costume''] Uhh...hey [[w:Satan|Satan]], how's it going?
:'''Beavis''': How come whenever you see, like, Satan in a video, it's just some dork in a costume?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  The real Satan doesn't do videos.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Unless it's, like, for Danzig or something.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': If they really had Satan on this song, it's like, you'd hear him talking backwards and stuff, 'cause like, he can do that.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  You know, I can talk backwards.
:'''Butt-head''': No you can't!
:'''Beavis''': Yes sir!  Check this out. [''backwards speech''] Stnerap ruoy yebo.  Loohcs ni yats.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That was cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Do it again, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um...okay.  Okay.  Check this out.  Um, okay, here it goes.  Um... [''backwards speech''] hguone si hguone. [''normal speech''] See? [''backwards speech''] Gniog ti s'woh yeh.
:'''Butt-head''': That was cool!  So like, what did you say just then?
:'''Beavis''': Um, I said, I said, um, &quot;Hey, how's it going?&quot;  Yeah, yeah.  You should try it.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, let me see.  Uhh...Beavis is a wuss.
:'''Beavis''': Um...
:'''Butt-head''': Ah, I mean, uhh...wuss a is Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, see?  See, ''anybody'' can do it.  [''backwards speech''] Stnerap ruoy yebo dna loohcs ni yats.  [''normal speech''] That was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': How do you do that, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Um, you just talk backwards.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but like, ''how''?
:'''Beavis''': Like ''this''. Um...I am-- uh, uh, no wait, that wasn't right, um...this is-- uh, um...wait, dammit, I forgot!  I can't do it anymore!
:'''Butt-head''': You can't do it anymore.

===[[w:Stone Temple Pilots|Stone Temple Pilots]]===
====&quot;[[w:Plush (song)|Plush]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Is this [[w:Pearl Jam|Pearl Jam]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  [[Eddie Vedder]] dyed his hair red.
:'''Beavis''': Wait a minute, this isn't Pearl Jam!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  It's good to see you thinking, Beavis.  [[w:Scott Weiland|That guy]] makes faces like Eddie Vedder.
:'''Beavis''': No way.  Eddie Vedder makes faces like this guy.
:'''Butt-head''': They both make faces like that [[w:John Belushi|John Belushi]] dude.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And he's dead.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I heard these guys, like, came first, and then Pearl Jam ripped ''them'' off.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head!  Pearl Jam came first!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, well, they both suck.
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head. Pearl Jam doesn't suck, they're from Seattle.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a rottweiler is seen in the video'']
:'''Beavis''': That bear is cool.
:'''Butt-head''': It takes a lot more than bears to make a video cool, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': What if the bear was, like, taking a dump?
:'''Butt-head''': Well, ''that'' might work.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I wanna dye my hair orange.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  You'd look good, Butt-head.  You should do it.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Vasoline|Vasoline]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': AAH, I DON'T WANNA LOOK AT SOME DUDE'S BUTT! Come on Butt-head, change it.
:'''Butt-head''': Come on, Beavis! This song kinda rocks! Besides, later, they show a dog's nads. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh. I'll stick around for that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Dammit, I'm sick of seeing water in [[w:music video|videos]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but this water's cool because it's like, over by the power plant.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Remember when we went swimming by the power plant, it's like, all warm and stuff? That was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': No it wasn't! Your turds were all orange for a month, and you got those big blisters on your nads.
:'''Beavis''': I know! That's what I'm saying. It was cool. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Scott Weiland|Scott Weiland]]''': Flies in the vasoline…
:'''Beavis''': Flies in the Vaseline? That's cool. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Remember when we put the fly in the gasoline? It was cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but um, he didn't say gasoline, Butt-head, he said Vaseline. I think that's like something different.
:'''Butt-head''': I know that, dumbass! Dammit Beavis, you always ruin everything. 
:'''Beavis''': No I don't! I was just saying he was talking about Vase--look, it's a dog's nads! Is that what you were talking about?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…yeah, I think that was it.
:'''Beavis''': That was cool.

===[[w:The Stranglers|Stranglers]], &quot;Skin Deep&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Why do people make [[w:music videos|videos]]?
:'''Beavis''': And why do they have to play this music? Why? Why?
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, some dude gets a guitar, and he sucks, then he gets together with other guys who suck.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It really sucks. I'm gonna go outside.
:'''Butt-head''': Really? How come?
:'''Beavis''': My butt's asleep.
:'''Butt-head''': Really? Cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I'll be back later. [''exits'']
:'''Butt-head''': Okay Beavis. Whoa. Hey Beavis…[''turns around'']…Uhhhh…oh yeah. [''sings along''] Better watch out for the skin deep. [''yells''] Hey Beavis, what are you doing? Uhhh….this sucks. [''exits''] Hey Beavis, wait up!

===[[w:Stray Cats|Stray Cats]], &quot;Rock This Town&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is that Billy Idol?
:'''Beavis''': This is a story.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  The story is: Once upon a time, Fonzie dyed his hair blond, and got on his motorcycle.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': And, uhh...uh, then he started singing, and this woman dropped this TV out of her window.
:'''Beavis''': No way.  Then he got in a motorcycle accident.  And there was blood.  The end.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  It's that [[&quot;Weird Al&quot;]] dude!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Brian Setzer''': Look at me again and there's gonna be a fight...
:'''Beavis''': There's gonna be a fight?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's gonna be one of those girl fights.
:'''Beavis''': Fight!  Fight!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  He's gonna [[sex|get some]] 'cause he's &quot;Weird Al.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  If you're famous, all you have to do is just walk up to chicks and say, &quot;Give me some.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.

===[[Styx (band)|Styx]], &quot;[[w:Too Much Time on My Hands|Too Much Time on My Hands]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… [''The two laugh dismissively'']
:'''Beavis''': What's this?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''An old woman is sitting in a bar'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, look, Beavis! It's your mom.
:'''Beavis''': Where? Where?
:'''Butt-head''': Hanging out in bars again.
:'''Beavis''': That's not my mom, Butt-head. That's Grandma.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': What is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh … is this cable access?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I think it is. Cable access sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': They should call it cable suckcess.
:'''Beavis''' Yeah, cable suckcess.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at [[w:Dennis DeYoung|this dork]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. What a dumbass.
:'''Butt-head''': Ooh, sexy. This band sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. Hey Butt-head, didn't these guys play at that wedding we went to?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Remember when you kept asking them to play [[w:Pantera|Pantera]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. That was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Remember when you waited in line to kiss the bride? And you tried to cop a feel? 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Her dad kicked your ass.

===[[w:Sugar Ray|Sugar Ray]], &quot;Mean Machine&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': This sounds like &quot;Wipeout&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': [''half-laughing''] I think this is…&quot;Butt-Wipeout&quot;. [''laughs. Butt-head pretends to laugh'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, they do this really cool dance coming up here.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, really? Cool. Is that it?
:'''Butt-head''': No, that's just hockey.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think they're singing about a car.
:'''Beavis''': See, that's pretty cool. If I had a really cool car, I'd sing about it too. Like [''begins &quot;singing&quot;''] My car is really fast!/It kicks a lotta ass!/um…It runs on gas!/I drive it on the grass!/um…

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Sugar Ray do a cheesy synchronized dance in the video'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, there it is, see? Isn't that cool?
:'''Beavis''': What's cool about it?
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, they're all doing it together. That's cool.
:'''Beavis''': You think it's cool when dudes dance together, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhh…damn it Beavis, just shut up!
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head…Would you like to dance? Nananananana!
:[''Butt-head smacks Beavis'']

===[[w:Sugartooth|Sugartooth]], &quot;Sold My Fortune&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Check this out, Butt-head. It starts out pretty cool, then it starts rocking more and more. [''Hums along with bass line''] See?
:'''Butt-head''': I get the point, Beavis, now will you shut up so I can hear it?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''singing along''] Sold my fo-chun…Hey Butt-head, what's a fo-chun?
:'''Butt-head''': I think it's [[w:futon|one of those]] beds that folds into a couch.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, it's one of those things. So like, how come he sold it?
:'''Butt-head''': 'Cause he probably got like a big bed so he didn't need it anymore. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Maybe he got tired of people crashing at his house and sleeping on it. So it's like, he sold it, and it's like, he wrote a cool song about it. Sold my fo-chun!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. And then he had a bunch of fights happen in the video.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''Two people are fighting in the video''
:'''Beavis''': Yeah come on! You think you're bad, you wanna do something about it? Let's go!
:'''Butt-head''': I don't there's anybody on TV you can kick ass on, except for maybe like [[w:Steve Urkel|Urkel]].
:'''Beavis''': I don't know, Butt-head. Urkel's pretty big now. He's like 6'7&quot; or something.

===[[w:Suicidal Tendencies|Suicidal Tendencies]], &quot;[[w:Institutionalized (song)|Institutionalized]]&quot;===
:'''[[w:Mike Muir|Cyco Miko]]''': Sometimes I try to do things, and it just doesn't work out the way I want it to…
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Sometimes ''I'' try to do things, and it doesn't work out the ways ''I'' want it to, and… 
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!
:'''Cyco Miko''': …it's like, I concentrate on it real hard, but it just doesn't work out…
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's like, people always say &quot;Hey Beavis. Beavis, we know you've been having a lot of problems&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but it's just, I get all frustrated, and I start, like, kicking stuff and burning things, and…
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis! I feel your pain.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, me too.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cyco Miko''': …I'll figure it out myself, but they just keep bugging me…
:'''Butt-head''': This dude's under a lot of stress.
:'''Beavis''': [''ranting''] Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, people say &quot;Hey Beavis, maybe we can talk about it, you'll feel better&quot;. I say &quot;Just leave me alone, and I'll figure it out by myself&quot;, and they keep saying &quot;Beavis, Beavis&quot;, and like, I don't know what to do…
:'''Butt-head''': Come on, shut up, Beavis! About once a year they play something cool, and you have to talk through it.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. This is cool.

===[[w:Superchunk|Superchunk]], &quot;Package Thief&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': These guys aren't even playing their instruments.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Their fingers aren't even moving.  What a bunch of fartknockers!
:'''Butt-head''': You mean fakers, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah, they're fakers, but like, they're fartknockers, too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head.  Is there a chick in this band?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, well, I think that bass player has boobs.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah, th - that's what I mean.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, there's boobs, but I can't tell if it's a chick.
:'''Beavis''': Seems like all these bands now have, like, chick bass players.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...wait a minute!  That's not a chick.  That's a puppet.  These are ''all'' puppets!
:'''Beavis''': Um...uh, yeah, yeah.  Uh, yeah.  Hey Butt-head, I have a puppet.  Check this out.  [''high-pitched voice''] Hello everybody!  We're gonna have fun today!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis!  Pull your pants up!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Sorry.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this, like, about the mail?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I think so.  Where does the mail go?
:'''Butt-head''': I think it, like, goes down into these pipes underground.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, really?  Then where does it go?
:'''Butt-head''': I think it, like, goes to the North Pole.  And then they, like, put a stamp on it, and then it goes back to your house.
:'''Beavis''': Really?  Thanks, Butt-head.  You're interesting.

===[[w:Supergrass|Supergrass]], &quot;[[w:Caught by the Fuzz|Caught by the Fuzz]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! That looks like that dude from [[w:Planet of the Apes (1968 film)|Planet of the Apes]].
:'''Beavis''': That movie kicked ass! Remember when they put those naked guys in a cage?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Those guys were wussies.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, really. I wouldn’t take that, if they did that to me, I’d be kickin’ monkey ass all over the place.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Monkeys.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, these guys sound pretty cool, you know, for having a monkey, you know, on guitar. I was thinking, maybe they should get a gorilla to play drums. ‘Cause, you know, you go to the zoo, and they’re always playing with themselves, so maybe they could play some drums, I dunno.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but Beavis, you play with yourself, and you can’t play drums.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head, I reckon I can play the drums. I could like, go, you know…parum, parum.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Then, I was thinking, also, you know, if you had a monkey on drums, just one more thing about that…if you had a monkey on drums, you know, you could spank him, that’s all I wanted to say. [''Butt-head laughs'']

===[[w:The Supersuckers|The Supersuckers]], &quot;Creepy Jackalope Eye&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this [[w:The Monkees|the Monkees]]?
:'''Beavis''': They look like butt-monkeys. Is this that episode where they go to the dude ranch?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, you're thinking of Happy Days, dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Heyy, sit on it. Sit on my butt.
:'''Butt-head''': That reminds me of this joke. There's this dude and he like, meets this slut in a bar, and they're like, uhh, going back to her place. But then like, he, uhh, can't find his keys. But then he needs like a flashlight, and then he says, &quot;Help me find my keys and we can drive outta here.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Um, heh. I don't get it.
:'''Butt-head''': She was a slut.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah! [''they both chuckle'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, is that like, from that [[City Slickers]] movie?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. Remember that one part where [[w:Billy Crystal|that guy]] like, sticks his hand up that cow's butt?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah! And then like, he pulls out a dog, and it's all wet.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, that wasn't a dog. That was like, uhh, a big rabbit.

===[[w:Sweaty Nipples|Sweaty Nipples]], &quot;Demon Juice&quot;===
:[''an empty beer bottle is shown with cigarette butts inside'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, are those butts in that bottle?
:'''Beavis''': Ummm...
:'''Butt-head''': Did you know that, like, every time someone smokes a cigarette down to the end, it's like, kissing a butt?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  That's cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...you know what, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Um, no, what?
:'''Butt-head''': I don't really feel like watching this right now.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, maybe we should, you know, like, try watching it again later.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, I thought of that, too.
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh.
:'''Butt-head''': You know, if it's on.
:'''Beavis''': I understand, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': But if it's not on...
:'''Beavis''': M hm?
:'''Butt-head''': ...who gives a rat's ass?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  [''changes channel to the video &quot;Don't Go Breaking My Heart&quot; by Elton John and RuPaul'']

==T==
===T'Baby, &quot;It's So Cold in the D&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um… is that guy dead, or is he just like, sleeping?
:'''Butt-head''': I don't know, but either way it's cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… is this [[w:The Real Housewives|Real Housewives]] of Detroit?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Butt-head looks at Beavis in confusion'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… I think that chick in the back is dancing to a different song.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''T'Baby''': I'm having visions of how we used to hang and bang…
:'''Beavis''': Hanging and banging…
:'''T'Baby''': How the fuck do you sposed to stack papers…
:'''Beavis''': Stacking papers, you know…
:[''The lyrics go off-tempo'']
:'''Beavis''': I'm lost.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Beavis and Butt-head are dancing'']
:'''Butt-head''': It's so cold in the D…
:'''Beavis''': Bump bump bump bump…
:'''Butt-head''': It's so cold in the D… uh, this is hard to dance to.
:[''The two pause, then resume, their dancing'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''The lyrics become increasingly off-tempo'']
:'''Butt-head''': Something's off.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think she was in [[The Lion King|Lion King]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah! I like her better in this though.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This rules! 
:[''The two resume dancing'']
:'''Butt-head''': It's so cold in the D…

===[[w:T'Pau (band)|T'Pau]], &quot;[[w:Heart and Soul (T'Pau song)|Heart and Soul]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Call now for live one-on-one [[conversations]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Share your [[w:Emotional intimacy|intimate]] [[thoughts]]!
:'''Butt-head''': A dollar ninety-five per minute.
:'''Beavis''': Must be 18 or older.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis, if we had a dollar ninety-five, we could call and share our intimate thoughts.
:'''Beavis''': We could tell her that she ''sucks''.
:'''Butt-head''': This chick's name is T'Pau.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. That's Spanish for &quot;this sucks.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': The more things [[change]], the more they ''suck''.
:*This is a play on the phrase, &quot;The more things change, the more they stay the same,&quot; coined by [[French]] [[critic]], [[journalist]], and [[novelist]] [[Alphonse Karr]].

===[[Talking Heads]], &quot;[[w:Wild Wild Life|Wild Wild Life]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': I don't like [[w:music videos|videos]] that suck. 

===[[w:Tesla (band)|Tesla]], &quot;Call It What You Want&quot;===
:[''the two are sleeping at the start of the video'']
:'''Butt-head''': Ughh!
:'''Beavis''': What, what?  I feel asleep there.  Yeah.  What is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, I think it's [[w:Jackyl|Jackyl]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Jeff Keith|That dude]] looks like [[w:Heidi Fleiss|Heidi Fleiss]]!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': She's skanky!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And she's ugly.
:'''Butt-head''': She's what you call ''fugly.''
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  She's a ''fugly, skanky whore.''
:'''Butt-head''': That wasn't very nice, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh oh, sorry about that.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This dude's chest is about as puny and hairless as ''yours,'' Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, fartcracker!  I could kick this dude's ass!
:'''Butt-head''': You mean fart''knocker,'' Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, oh yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': And for the last time, you can't kick ''anybody's'' ass.
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah I can, I'm getting bigger.  Like, I've been drinking milk and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, right.
:'''Beavis''': No really, Butt-head.  I had some last week.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but then you spit it out.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but it was in my mouth long enough for me to, like, you know, get some vitamins and stuff out of it.
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass.

===[[w:that dog.|that dog.]], &quot;Old Timer&quot;===
:[''the band are shown as workers in a hot dog stand'']
:'''Butt-head''': I think this is that place where you get like, lemonade.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': And they have a bunch of [[w:corn dog|horn dogs]] working there.
:'''Beavis''': They have horn dogs?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. You know, that's where they like, dip their wiener in the fryer.
:'''Beavis''': It's like, every time I go to that damn place, like, I want to get a milkshake, they say &quot;I'm sorry, the shake machine's broken&quot;, and I say [''angry''] &quot;Dammit, it's always broken!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''one member proceeds to deep fry two battered hot dogs'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey, check this out, Butt-head. Fryer, fryer, FRYER!!!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis…
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Fryer!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, that's not fair, that dude doesn't have to wear a hairnet!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Maybe we should get a job at this place.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah really, it's like, you don't have to like, pay attention to the customers, and you just sit around and goof off.
:'''Butt-head''': We could put the hairnets on our nads.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah. I mean, that's what I do anyways, but I also have to put one on my hair.
:'''Butt-head''': You put a hairnet on your nads?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. You know, they're free.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''sings along''] Hey old miner, how come you're drinking red wine at [[w:Shakey's Pizza|Shakey's]]…
:'''Butt-head''': This is stupid.

===[[w:The The|The The]], &quot;I Saw the Light&quot;===
:[''Video shows sky-angle footage of New York City'']
:'''Beavis''': Um, this looks like the opening to that show, that [[w:Late Night with David Letterman|late night]]…
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's like, &quot;Top 10 tall places to take a crap off of.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': That's kinda disgusting.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''[[w:Matt Johnson (singer)|Matt Johnson]] walks among the edge of a tall building'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! You think he's really up there on that building like that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…no. People don't do that anymore. It's like, they have computers and they just like, fake it.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Nobody has any balls anymore. 
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, you think he's gonna jump?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…no, and I don't care either.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know what would be really cool? Is like, if he took a leak from up there.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! He should take two dumps, one leak, cut the cheese, and then he should jump. That would rule! Yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Butt-head, this reminds me of that movie I saw, that…[[w:&quot;Crocodile&quot; Dundee|Crocodile Dumbdee]], and um…I was just gonna say, um, he's from…down under. You know, down under?
:'''Butt-head''': Okay Beavis, I get it. Down under.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, this is kind of like [[w:Let It Be (film)|that movie]] with [[The Beatles]] in it, where they're playing on the roof.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. I saw that on the [[w:Discovery Channel|Discovery Channel]]. The Beatles suck!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really. How come everybody likes them so much?
:'''Beavis''': I don't know.
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe it's because they were handsome. You should try to get in The Beatles. I heard they had an opening.
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Opening.&quot; [''Cackles'']

===[[w:George Thorogood|George Thorogood]], &quot;[[w:Bad to the Bone|Bad to the Bone]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  This song is about a boner.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  It's about a ''bad'' boner, isn't it?
:'''Butt-head''': There's no such thing as a bad boner, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  Um...no, wait a minute, Butt-head, I had a bad boner once.  That's when I had the chicken pox, and I had my hands duct taped.  That sucked.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  I'm sorry.  I stand corrected.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Sometimes when I play pool, like, when nobody's looking, I like to take that blue chalk, and like, like, chalk up the end of my wiener.  It's pretty cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  That's cool!  Doesn't that, like, hurt, though?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but, you know, no pain, no gain.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, check it out, it's one of those magic 8-balls.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, you like, ask one of those things a question, then you shake it up, and it tells you the answer.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  We should ask it, &quot;Does this video suck?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  &quot;Signs point to yes.&quot;

===[[w:Tiffany (singer)|Tiffany]], &quot;[[w:I Think We're Alone Now|I Think We're Alone Now]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': This is mall music.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  She has to play in a mall because she sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Who do you think would win in a fight between Tiffany and [[w:Debbie Gibson|Debbie Gibson]]?
:'''Beavis''': Debbie Gibson would kick her butt!  She'd kick her!
:'''Butt-head''': She should join a gang, like [[w:Wilson Phillips|Wilson Phillips]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Who do you think would win in a fight between Wilson Phillips and [[w:The Bangles|The Bangles]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhh...you're the expert, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': One chick from [[w:L7 (band)|L7]] could kick all of their asses combined.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah!

===[[w:Toadies|Toadies]], &quot;[[w:Possum Kingdom|Possum Kingdom]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''singing along''] Make up your mind…
:'''Butt-head''': I already made up my mind; this sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Well, now, come on, give it a chance.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, is that a body?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah I think so.
:'''Beavis''': You think they killed somebody just to make this video?
:'''Butt-head''': They should have killed the people who made it.
:'''Beavis''': I wonder what that would be like, you know, to die.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, well, you’re gonna find out someday.
:'''Beavis''': [''imitating Cornholio''] Are you threatening me? I will never die.
:'''Butt-head''': No, I’m serious, Beavis. It’s like, you know, you start to get all old and stuff.
:'''Beavis''':  Yeah, really? What else?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think you start, like, losing control of your wee-wee.
:'''Beavis''': Uhh, what else?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, then you, like, start pooping a lot, and you, like, lose the grip of your butt.
:'''Beavis''': AHHH, I’M GONNA DIE!!!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. You’re old.
:'''Beavis''': So, um, Butt-head, what would do, like, if I died?
:'''Butt-head''': I’d probably, like, move over to the middle of the couch. It’s more [[w:comfort|comfstrable]].

===[[w:Tricky|Tricky]], &quot;Black Steel&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…uhh…hey, it's that dude.
:'''Beavis''': What dude?
:'''Butt-head''': You know, that [[w:Scott O'Grady|pilot dude]]. That one who was like, in a plane and he [[w:Mrkonjić Grad incident|got shot down]] over [[w:Bosnia and Herzegovina|Bogna-Hersnaslovignia]]. And he's like, a hero and stuff cause he killed all his enemies, and then he lived off bugs for a whole year.
:'''Beavis''': He lived off BUGS???
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That was all he could get to eat, because like, you know, it was somewhere over in Europe, and they don't have Burger World.
:'''Beavis''': Wow, that's cool, you know, because I've gone for a few days like that, you know, but then I usually have some nachos and stuff in between meals, so it doesn't really count.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Martina Topley-Bird|Martina Topley-Bird]]''': But a brother like me begun, to be another one…
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, she just called herself a brother.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, I mean, she's calling herself a brother, and she's not a dude, and she's not even black!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah she is. She's like, you know, one of the Cosby kids.
:'''Beavis''': Ohh. So I guess…oh yeah, she ''is'' black.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think the message of this video is like, that the army kicks ass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. &quot;Today's army trains you with the skills you need to get ahead in today's world!&quot;

===[[w:Tripping Daisy|Tripping Daisy]], &quot;I Got A Girl&quot;===
:[''the lead singer is in a body bag, and a mortician opens it'']
:'''Butt-head''': Zip him back up. He sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head, give him a chance.
:'''Butt-head''': They shouldn't give anybody a chance to suck.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': How come these guys are acting so happy? They're about to get their wiener chopped off.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, what makes you think they're gonna get their wieners chopped off, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I dunno, isn't that what happens when you have an operation?
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, I tell ya, Beavis, you're a stupid son of a bitch. And your mother's a whore.
:'''Beavis''': My mom's a slut, she doesn't charge for it, bunghole, and I'm not stupid! 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': So like, what are some other operations?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think you can have like, uh, your [[w:tubal ligation|tubes tied]].
:'''Beavis''': What does that mean?
:'''Butt-head''': I think it's like, you have your tubes tied, and then it means you can just go do it anytime you want.
:'''Beavis''': Wow. I wanna get that operation. Because I wanna do it right now! I always wanna do it.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think you have to have, like, a lot of money. And then I think you also need a chick.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, I knew it, see, there's always something, see? There's always some reason why I can't score. Dammit.

===[[w:Jen Trynin|Jen Trynin]], &quot;Happier&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa check it out, they got some of that [[w:Kaopectate|Keeyotepcate]] up there, up above that guy's hands.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh…oh yeah, that is Kaotepkate.
:'''Beavis''': Y'know, um…that stuff, y'know, like, tastes really bad, and um, it's expensive. But then it doesn't really work.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, really?
:'''Beavis''': It's supposed to be for diarrhea. So I took it for a whole week, and I never got diarrhea.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis…
:'''Beavis''': Then about four days later, this brick pooped out of my butt. 
:'''Butt-head''': Cool.
:'''Beavis''': It was pretty cool. It was like, really big…I can show it to you if you want.
:'''Butt-head''': You still have it?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, I still have it. It's in my underwear drawer.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear any of this.
:'''Beavis''': Why?

==U==
===[[U2]]===
====&quot;[[w:Lemon (U2 song)|Lemon]]&quot;====
:[''The word &quot;MEN&quot; appears on screen.'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey, check it out Butt-head, that's that word.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That's that word they put on bathrooms.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I must mean, like, &quot;crap,&quot; or something.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, that's that word again.
:[''[[w:Bono|Bono]] appears on screen singing.'']
:'''Butt-head''': Crap is singing.
:[''[[w:The Edge|The Edge]] appears on screen dialing a phone.'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Crap is on the telephone.
:[''[[w:Adam Clayton|Adam Clayton]] appears on screen playing bass guitar.'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This turd found a guitar.
:[''[[w:Larry Mullen Jr.|Larry Mullen Jr.]] appears on screen playing drums.]
:'''Beavis''': And this piece of crap is playing the drums.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Beavis and Butt-head fell asleep, snoring.  Beavis slumps over onto Butt-head.  Butt-head wakes up and slaps Beavis awake.'']
:'''Beavis''': Ahhh!  Ahhh!
:'''Butt-head''': Dillweed.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': He's got one of those [[w:Tension headache|attention headaches]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He's got an attention headaches this big.
:'''Beavis''': Sometimes, like, when I get a headache, it's like, I hit myself in the head really hard, and, it's like, it just makes it hurt worse.
:'''Butt-head''': You're pretty stupid, Beavis.  Next time I have a headache, I'd like to try hitting you in the head.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah.  That would be cool.

====&quot;[[w:One (U2 song)|One]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Is this &quot;[[art]]&quot;?
:'''Beavis''': This &quot;[[means]]&quot; something.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, huh-huh-huh. It means something [[stupid]].

====&quot;[[w:Mysterious Ways|Mysterious Ways]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;[[Bono|Boner]]&quot; is pretty [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]] sometimes.
:'''Beavis''': That's because he has a cool [[name]].
:'''Butt-head''': I bet when he was little, his [[mom]] used to say, &quot;Boner, come to [[dinner]]!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! She'd say, &quot;Boner! Boner! Time for dinner! We're having beanies and weenies! And tacos, and nachos! And fajitas!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Then in the [[morning]], she'd turn to Boner's [[dad]], and say, &quot;Is Boner up yet?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. &quot;Boner! Boner! Get up, Boner!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': And then, like, when his dad went to P.T.A. meetings, the [[teachers]] would say, &quot;Your [[son]] sure does [[sing]] well,&quot; and he'd say, &quot;That's my Boner.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Boner!!
:'''Butt-head''': That's a cool name. You know who has a really [[stupid]] name, though? &quot;[[The Edge]].&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! &quot;The Edge.&quot; What is that?
:'''Butt-head''': That's stupid.

====&quot;Numb&quot;====
:[''video opens with water dripping from a faucet'']
:'''Butt-head''': A leak.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:[''water is shown to be dripping on [[w:The Edge|The Edge]]'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''scoffs''] The Edge.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh no, I think this is that video where this guy just sits there and, like, mumbles the whole time.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': I think it's called &quot;Numb.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': It should be called &quot;Dumb.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  [''reacts to someone tying a rope around The Edge's eyes''] Yeah, yeah, get his mouth!  Yeah, tie it around his mouth!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Tie his jaw shut.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a man whispers something in The Edge's right ear'']
:'''Butt-head''': That guy's saying, [''softly''] &quot;Uh, excuse me, Edge?  This really sucks, maybe we shouldn't do this.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:[''[[w:Bono|Bono]] starts singing in The Edge's left ear'']
:'''Butt-head''': And then Bono's saying, &quot;If you don't stop singing, I'm gonna make out with you.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah.  &quot;And I'm gonna rub my chin all over your boobs.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''two women are licking The Edge's face'']
:'''Butt-head''': Wait a minute!  This is cool.
:[''another woman starts dancing in front of The Edge'']
:'''Beavis''': Boy, he's got a lot of self-control not to like, you know, do anything about that.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah, but you can't see his hands.
:'''Beavis''': Ohh yeah.  Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[[''two feet are pressed against The Edge's face'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah!  Kick him!  Yeah, there you go, yeah.  Shove your foot in his mouth!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:[''a woman takes a picture with The Edge, then kisses his cheek'']
:'''Beavis''': Ooh, yuck!  She just kissed him where that chick put her feet!  That's yucky!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check this out. [''a man whispers in The Edge's ear''] &quot;Thank you very much, Edge, now will you please get the Hell outta here?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  &quot;Up yours.&quot; [''The Edge appears to give the man the finger''] Yeah.

===[[w:Ugly Kid Joe|Ugly Kid Joe]], &quot;Neighbor&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': What is this?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  What is this?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is that Ugly Kid Chode.
:'''Beavis''': How come he calls himself &quot;Ugly Kid&quot; and it's like, he's not even that ugly?
:'''Butt-head''': Do you find him attractive, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head.  Shut up!

==V==
===[[w:Van Halen|Van Halen]], &quot;Can't Stop Loving You&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': All right, Van Halen!
:'''Butt-head''': Van Halen kicks ass!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah-hh!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': Uh...
:'''Beavis''': Um...hmm...
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, ohh boy.
:'''Beavis''': Umm, is this Van Halen?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...yeah, but it's like, where's [[w:Eddie Van Halen|Eddie]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I mean, you know, I mean, how could they fire Van Halen from Van Halen?!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''two football players are shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''scoffs''] Athletes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...this is kinda like, a country video.  'Cause it's like, you know, it has, like, football players and like, old people and dogs and stuff in it.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's like, every time you watch [[w:The Nashville Network|TNN]], all the videos have that stuff in 'em.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  All they need now is a big pickup truck.
:'''Beavis''': Ohh yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, they put plastic on their couch.  We should try that.
:'''Butt-head''': That's stupid!  Then you can't get any stains on it.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Then, like, you wouldn't even have to, like, get up to go to the bathroom, see?  'Cause I've noticed, like, over at Stewart's house, where they have that plastic on the couch, if you pee on it, it just kinda like rolls off, and it just, like, goes away.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, oh yeah.  That's cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:Vanilla Ice|Vanilla Ice]], &quot;I Love You&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Look! Look!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Vanilla Ice.
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, they’re always, like, putting this guy down and you know, making fun of him and saying he sucks and stuff. But you know, um he really does suck. And this is one of those times where everybody’s right. You know what I’m saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Are you just trying to say that this sucks, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Sometimes you have a way with words.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Are you gonna change the channel, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': Why bother? All we seem to get on this [[t.v.]] is bad [[w:music videos|videos]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': There’s like, three things wrong with this video. One, this dude sucks. And, uhh…three, he’s trying to rap a love song.
:'''Beavis''': You know, um…if this was a real rap song about love, he’d be saying “We have no love for hoes.”
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He’d be like, “I don’t love you hoes, I’m out the doe” (door)

===[[w:Violent Femmes|Violent Femmes]]===
====&quot;Breakin' Up&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, Butt-head! There's a chick back there in the window; I think she's naked!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis! No she's not!
:'''Beavis''': Oh, OK.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Gordon Gano|Gordon Gano]]''': Dark voices are talking to me…
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, that guy says he hears dark voices in his head.
:'''Beavis''': Oh really? I hear voices too, but it's like, usually they're white guys. Sometimes it's, like, you know, a Chinese dude too, that talks to me. And a couple of Mexicans.
:'''Butt-head''': Really? What does the Chinese guy say?
:'''Beavis''': He says [''high-pitched Chinese accent''] &quot;Pull down your pants. Spank your monkey.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': And what does the white guy say?
:'''Beavis''': The same thing. But he talks just like me. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''The band is standing by wedding cakes and holding baseball bats'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, come on! Here we go! Hit it! Come on, smash it! Smash it! COME ON, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? SMASH IT!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis! This is a video. Anytime you see a cake and a baseball bat in the same video, the cake's gonna get his ass kicked.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but why's he waiting so long? Come on, come on, BREAK IT! SMASH IT! Where's the cake? Where's that damn cake? Let me see it!
:'''Butt-head''': You dumbass.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I don't see what the big deal is about breaking up. I just, like say &quot;Hey baby…get lost. You know, we can like…still do it and stuff but, uh, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Shut up! Here it comes! [''Gordon Gano smashes the cakes with a baseball bat''] YEAH!
:'''Butt-head''': Yes! See? Told you, buttmunch!

====&quot;Nightmares&quot;====
:'''[[w:Gordon Gano|Gordon Gano]]''': Everytime I try to sleep, I have nightmares…
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, I had this nightmare last night, that like, everything sucked. It was really scary.
:'''Butt-head''': But Beavis, Everything DOES suck. [''Dramatic shock sound effect plays'']
:'''Beavis''': AH!
:'''Butt-head''': Take it easy, Beavis. It really sucks when you do that. [''Sound effect plays again'']
:'''Beavis''': AH! NO!
:'''Butt-head''': Cut it out, Beavis! You know what, I bet these guys went to college and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. I bet they like, paid attention too.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, and you know one thing about college, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it sucks. [''Sound effect plays again''] AH! AAAAAHHHHH!
:'''Butt-head''': That was cool.
:'''Beavis''': No it wasn't.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, you know what sucks? [''Sound effect plays again'']
:'''Beavis''': AH! NO!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis! I haven't even told you yet.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Everytime you do that, it sucks! [''Sound effect plays again'']
:'''Beavis''': AAAAAAAHHH! NO!

==W==
===[[Tom Waits]], &quot;I Don't Want to Grow Up&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head! It's the [[w:Noid|Noid]].
:'''Butt-head''': Cool! The Noid is cool. 
:'''Beavis''': Avoid the Noid! Avoid the Noid! I like to say that. Avoid the Noid!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh … wait a minute, that's not the Noid. That's Satan.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Tom starts his signature wailing'']
:'''Butt-head''': You Right, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It's like, this guy's a pretty good singer.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's like, he can't write songs but he sure can sing.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video's cool because it's like, doing something that they haven't done before.
:'''Beavis''': What do you mean? Like, like, um… one of those [[w:uvula|uvulas]]? 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's like, they never played a uvula under the table before. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, turds! Did you see that? Turds! Turds! Turds!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… where?
:'''Beavis''': Um…
:'''Butt-head''': You know, if I was Satan, I would like, get a mountain bike.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, like a really cool skateboard.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Then some chicks. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! That would be cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh look, it's the turds again. Turds! 
:'''Butt-head''': Where?
:'''Beavis''': Right there! He was riding around some turds, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Really?
:'''Beavis''': They're right there on the ground! He's like, riding around some turds. 
:'''Butt-head''': Satan always likes to have some turds by.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. He is Satan.

===[[w:James Walters|Jamie Walters]], &quot;Hold On&quot;===
:'''Jamie Walters''': I don't wanna see you…
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I don't wanna see you either!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really.
:'''Beavis''': Um, change the channel, come on Butt-head, or turn it off, or something.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, there's nothing else on.
:'''Beavis''': Um, what happened to those cards?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, they're right here.
:'''Beavis''': Come on, let's play another round.  I wanna win my two dollars back.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh...okay.  Uh, this game is called &quot;Bunghole Surprise&quot;.  [''shuffles the cards'']
:'''Beavis''': Cool!
:'''Butt-head''': First you take your cards, and then you, like, tell me what you have.
:'''Beavis''': Um, okay. [''cut back to Beavis and Butt-head.  The pair have now started their card game''] Um, I have...two eights, and a nine, and a three, and um, and a chick.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay.  Dumbass.  Uh, okay, I'm gonna, like, get five new cards.  Uh, I bet 18 dollars.  And I won.  So you owe me 18 dollars.  Bunghole.
:'''Beavis''':  No way!  That's too much!  I don't wanna play this anymore!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay.  If you don't wanna play, we'll just watch this video.
:'''Beavis''': Ah, ah no!  Okay, I'll play.  Um...okay um...umm, okay, 18 dollars.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, okay.  Uh, I won.
:'''Beavis''': Dammit!  Really?  How come I keep losing?  I never win!
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass.

===[[w:Wang Chung (band)|Wang Chung]], &quot;[[w:Everybody Have Fun Tonight|Everybody Have Fun Tonight]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': You think those guys sleep in separate beds?
:'''Beavis''': No way!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Why are these guys so snotty?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They look all pissed off.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  And tired!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a man is up against a wall in the background'']
:'''Butt-head''': What's that guy doing back there?
:'''Beavis''': He's wang chunging.
:'''Butt-head''': That guy's peeing!
:'''Beavis''': That's cool!  I peed in the gym once!
:'''Butt-head''': Really?  You're pretty cool, Beavis!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Where are the women in this video?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They need some chicks, too.

===[[w:Mike Watt|Mike Watt]], &quot;Piss Bottle Man&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh...who is this?
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, his name is...oh, I've seen this before, um, his name is Mike Watt.  And um, later on he, uh, pours a bottle of urine out the window.  So um, so don't change it yet.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, oh!  Cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''sees Watt urinating in a bottle''] Is he peeing?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah!  He did!  That-- yeah, that uh, that's the name of the song.  It's called &quot;Piss Bottle Man&quot;.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...that's pretty cool, I guess.  You know...
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, why not, you know?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Um, later on, this guy gets abducted by aliens.
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, do you believe in aliens?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I believe in [[w:Illegal immigration|''illegal'' aliens]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  I believe in Mexicans.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis.  You're supposed to call 'em &quot;[[w:Hispanic|Hispandex]]&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Uh, okay okay, sorry.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know what would be funny, if he changed his name, you know, instead of Mike Watt, he changed his last name to [[w:cunt|Hunt]]?  You know what I'm saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhh...why would that be funny?
:'''Beavis''': Um, you know, um, you know, I don't know, actually.
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass.

===[[w:Wax (rock band)|Wax]], &quot;California&quot;===
:[''a man on fire running in slow motion is shown throughout the video'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, I was thinking, um…
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh my god…
:'''Butt-head''': You may be about to see the [[w:cool (aesthetic)|coolest]] video you have ever seen in your life.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhh.
:'''Butt-head''': Now Beavis…uh…Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Ohh. Ohhhh.
:'''Butt-head''': [''cut back to Beavis and Butt-head. Beavis is completely fixated on the television screen''] Uh, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Ooohohohhhhhhhh. Ohhhhhhh.
:'''Butt-head''': This guy's probably just, like, a stuntman or something. I bet he's not even in the band.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhhhhh, noooooo.
:'''Butt-head''': Like, what's the song supposed to be about, anyway?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! Aaaaahhaaa. Ohoooooohhhhh,
:'''Butt-head''': [''seeing a homeless man throwing a can''] Whoa! Look at that dude back there.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhhohhhhh.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, Beavis? Beavis, are you there? Beavis, what's your problem?
:'''Beavis''': Oooooooohhhhhhh. Oh no.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, it's not even real, it's just like, special effects.
:'''Beavis''': Aaaaaahhaaaaa. Oooohhhh no. Ooooooohhhhhhhh no.
:'''Butt-head''': This is cool! This is a damn good video.
:'''Beavis''': Ooohooooooo.
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, uh…Beavis, are you gonna say anything.
:'''Beavis''': Nooooo…
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, snap out of it. Dumbass. I'm gonna change the channel.
:'''Beavis''': Butt-head, I'm only going to tell you this once - if you touch that remote, I'm gonna kick your ass.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah right. Dammit Beavis, snap out of it right now. [''slaps Beavis multiple times'']
:'''Beavis''': AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! Whoa, what happened? Where am I?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, you're right here, Beavis. What's your problem?
:'''Beavis''': I just, like, blacked out or something, what going on?
:'''Butt-head''': We just saw a dude running around on fire.
:'''Beavis''': No way, really,  and I missed it?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no, you saw the whole thing, dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Wow. Uh, I dunno, I wasn't here.

===[[w:Ween|Ween]]===
====&quot;Freedom of '76&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, hey, check it out. I think that's [[w:Liberty Bell|that bell]] that they, like, taught us about in history class, where they like, rang it, and then put a big crack in it.
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis. You're thinking of Bible class, when they talked about how God created the butt.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. And then he created poop.
:'''Butt-head''': That's in that [[w:Deuteronomy|Doo-doo-ronemy]] section.
:'''Beavis''': The Bible kicks ass.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, check it out. It's [[w:Dean Ween|Dean]] and [[w:Gene Ween|Gene Ween]].
:'''Butt-head''': Ween.
:'''Beavis''': Ween kicks ass.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This is kinda groovy.
:'''Beavis''': [''screeches''] Freedom! Yeah, this is kinda groovy.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': How does he do that? How does he [[w:falsetto|sing all high]] and stuff?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think if you snip your nads off, it'll make you sing high like this.
:'''Beavis''': Really? That's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': You should try it, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um…no, I don't think so.
:'''Butt-head''': Why not? Have you ever used your nads for anything?
:'''Beavis''': Not really. No, I guess not.
:'''Butt-head''': Don't your nads just, like, get in the way all the time and hurt when they get kicked and stuff?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I guess so.
:'''Butt-head''': Then why not just cut 'em off and see what happens?
:'''Beavis''': Let me just wait a minute, because I might need 'em for doing it.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, that's what your wiener's for, you don't need your nads for that.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Are you trying to trick me, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': No.
:'''Beavis''': Well, do you use your nads for anything?
:'''Butt-head''': No. [''Beavis kicks Butt-head in the testicles''] AAAAAAAAAUUUUHHHHHH!!! Damn it, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': See? That's what nads are for. Bunghole.

====&quot;I Can't Put My Finger On It&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh...
:[''the two laugh at the intense expression on Ween's face'']
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis.  Do something, like, I dunno, like, something funny or something.
:'''Beavis''': Um, okay.  Umm...let me see.  Check this out.  [''blows a huge raspberry'']
:'''Butt-head''':  Uh...that was pretty cool, but like, you've done that before.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  Then ''you'' do something!  [''putting on a slight accent''] You think I'm just here to ent-a-tain you?
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': You think I'm just here for your amusement?  You wanna do something about it?
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a Greek gyro is shown'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey, look at that.  Mmm, that looks good!  I like those things, they got those things over in the mall, they call 'em, um...&quot;heroes&quot;?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  Whenever we walk by there, the guy goes, [''Greek accent''] &quot;Gyro? Gyro? Gyro?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  One of these days, when I have a lot of money, I'm gonna get one of those things.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That would rule.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These dudes need to quit screwing around and get back to making sandwiches.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  But, um, it is kind of a good song, like, if you kinda listen to it for a while, it is pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you bunghole!  Quit talking about this video and do something funny again.
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, okay.  Check this out. [''blows a huge raspberry'']
:'''Butt-head''': That's not even funny, Beavis.  You have to do it like this.
:'''Beavis''': Um...
:'''Butt-head''': [''puts his finger between his lips and babbles''] A-blblblblblblblblblbl.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Now see, that's cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I see what you mean.  Okay, check this out. [''babbles''] A-blblblblblblblblblbl.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Push th' Little Daisies|Push th' Little Daisies]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': What the hell is this crap?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a bowl of cucumbers is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Mine has more bumps.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  [[w:Gene Ween|This guy]] sounds like ''you''.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, fartknocker!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That dude's wearing a [[w:yarmulke|Yamaha]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gene Ween''': If you think that I'm a loser...
:'''Beavis''': He ''is'' a loser!  And a pansy!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  This guy sucks!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys got no future.
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, it's [[w:Chris Burke (actor)|Corky]]!
:'''Gene Ween''': Push th' little daisies and make 'em come up! 
:'''Butt-head''': [''changing the channel''] Push ''this''!

===[[w:Weezer|Weezer]], &quot;[[w:Buddy Holly (song)|Buddy Holly]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um…this is like…um, some show, right?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…of course it is, buttmunch! It's on TV.
:'''Beavis''': No but um…I don't think this is a video.
:'''Butt-head''': They don't play many videos anymore. It's all like…shows, and people snowboarding and stuff.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I think this is…I think this is like, ''[[w:Happy Days|Happy Days]]''.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Crappy days.
:'''Beavis''': That was pretty funny, Butt-head. Instead of Happy Days, you called it Crappy Days. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Singing theme song to [[w:Laverne and Shirley|Laverne and Shirley]]'']
:'''Beavis''': One, two, three, four, a shmeagol! A schlong! A zapadun incorporated!
:'''Butt-head''': We're gonna do it!
:'''Beavis''': Give us any chance, we'll take it!/Give us any rule, we'll break it! We're gonna make it/we're not gonna break it/all we need is a little bit of patience!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Butt-head''': I liked this show better when that other dude owned the restaurant…[[w:Pat Morita|that dude]] from ''[[The Karate Kid]]''.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. [''Fake Japanese accent''] Daniel-san, if answer come from inside you, always right!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That dude could kick [[w:Fonzie|Fonzie]]'s ass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Fonzie doesn't even know karate. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These dudes were like…always calling each other nerds and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I wonder why.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I think that was back in the old days before they invented words like nads and buttmunch and dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Things are a lot better now.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, buttmunch. You know what else they were always saying? &quot;Sit on it.&quot; 
:'''Beavis''': Sit on what…? What? Oh yeah! This is a pretty cool show.

===[[w:Whale (band)|Whale]], &quot;Hobo Humpin' Slobo Babe&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Rock!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': [''sings along''] You hobo fumpin' humpin', [''forgets the words''] ah, ah…bitch!
:'''Butt-head''': This kinda like, ah, rocks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's not bad.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check out that dude in the dress. He's groovin'.
:'''Beavis''': [''the lead singer can be seen looking at the crotches of several shirtless men''] Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, she's inspecting their nads.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. You call those nads, sir? Drop and give me twenty!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, back in line!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''one of the band members waves towards the lead singer's butt'']
:'''Butt-head''': He's pretending to feel her butt.
:'''Beavis''': She won't let him feel her butt because like, he failed the nad inspection.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the lead singer, licking a lollipop, licks a shirtless man's armpit'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! She just licked that dude's armpit!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. The guy with the best nads gets his armpit licked.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I bet this chick would like, be into me and stuff because like, you know, she has braces.
:'''Beavis''': She's probably got one of those overbites.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I wish she'd give me an overbite.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the lead singer is thrown into the air, and her underwear can be seen underneath her skirt'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look at that! I didn't know chicks in [[w:music videos|videos]] wore underpants!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, if I ever catch you looking at my woman's drawers again, I'm gonna kick your ass.
:'''Beavis''': She's not your woman, Butt-head! She's never even seen you.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, this chick loves me, and I love her.

===[[w:Wham!|Wham!]], &quot;[[w:Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go|Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [''laughing''] What's this?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:George Michael|He]]'s smiling at you, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This guy always likes to show off his butt.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And his butt sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah?  How do you know?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  I'll kick your ass!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This is one of those workout tapes.  They make you work out to this tape, you end up looking like a wuss.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video is making me sick.  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Barry White|Barry White]], &quot;Put Me In Your Mix&quot;===
:'''Barry White''': Put it in.
:'''Butt-head''': Put it in?  Cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Put it in.  PUT IT IN!
:'''Barry White''': Take my love and put it in...
:'''Butt-head''': Man!  I bet this is, like, the horniest dude that ever lived.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah.  He should, like, wear one of those Viking hats with horns on it.
:'''Butt-head''': What?  You're a weirdo, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': How come every time I'm talking about chicks and stuff, you just like, don't get it?
:'''Beavis''': I get it!  It's just that, you know, I thought it would be cool if, like, he had this hat on with some horns on it.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Eric the Rod.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  The Rod.  See?  See?  I got that.  Yeah.  The Rod.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Barry White''': Put me in...
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  This is one horny dude.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.

===[[w:Karyn White|Karyn White]], &quot;The Way I Feel About You&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Come to Butt-head!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Me too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a black cat is shown'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out!  That's that same cat from that Janet Jackson video.
:'''Butt-head''': You're looking at the cat?  How old are you, Beavis?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Someday, Beavis, you're gonna have urges like me.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.  I'm checking out the chick, too.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:[''Beavis changes the channel'']

===[[w:White Zombie (band)|White Zombie]], &quot;[[w:Black Sunshine|Black Sunshine]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': YES!  YES!  YES!
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!  It's about time they play something cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''camera is zooming through a yard'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Cool lawn mower!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': YES!
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Rob Zombie|This guy]] is cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Is that guy from Rastafaria?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''bright lights are flashing inside a barn''] 
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a skull is briefly shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Skulls are cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  [''closeups of eyes are shown''] Eyeballs are cool.  Let's try taking our eyeballs out.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool!  I'll go get the pliers.
:'''Beavis''': Yes!  Yes!

===[[w:Wilco|Wilco]], &quot;[[w:Box Full of Letters|Box Full of Letters]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um…wow. Something's different about this.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…yeah. It's like, it sounds different, and looks different than like, most other [[w:music videos|videos]] you see lately.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah. Kinda cool, yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I'm hungry, Beavis. Go make some pancakes.
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head, I wanna watch this.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, you can watch it later. It's gonna be on about 50 times.
:'''Beavis''': Really? Well, okay. I guess I can make some pancakes. [''exits the room. all further lines are yelled from the kitchen''] Okay, where's the syrup?!
:'''Butt-head''': [''calling out ''] You gotta make the pancakes first, dumbass!
:'''Beavis''': Um…where's the spatula?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think it's in my bedroom!
:'''Beavis''': Oh, okay! [''Beavis can be heard running''] 
:'''Butt-head''': Look under the bed!
:'''Beavis''': Oh, there's the pan, too! Cool! [''walks back to the kitchen, passes by Butt-head''] Hey, how's it going?
:'''Butt-head''': Hey. Pretty good.
:'''Beavis''': [''hums''] Dun dun da dun…''[yells from the kitchen''] How's that video?
:'''Butt-head''': It's pretty cool, now shut up and get cooking!
:'''Beavis''': How much mayonnaise do I put in?
:'''Butt-head''': None!
:'''Beavis''': One what? Okay, I'll just put one cup then. [''long beat''] Hey Butt-head, is there supposed to be smoke?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think so. [''the smoke alarm goes off'']
:'''Beavis''': AAH! OW!!

===[[w:Vanessa L. Williams|Vanessa Williams]], &quot;[[w:Work to Do|Work to Do]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Oooh!
:'''Beavis''': Aaaah!
:'''Butt-head''': Ooh, baby!  Do that thing you do!
:'''Beavis''': This chick is ''hot!''
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I'd like her music a lot better, though, if she like, didn't wear as much clothes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  If she was, like, completely naked, I might go out and buy the album.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She's got one of those ribbons that all the rock stars wear when they get an award.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  What are those things?
:'''Butt-head''': They're, like, these ribbons that they give you when you get one of those awards for, like, being rich or something.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Being rich is cool!
:'''Butt-head''': If you're like, rich...
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': ...you can buy, like, fast cars and, like, houses and...like...ribbons.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:Wilson Phillips|Wilson Phillips]], &quot;Release Me&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, you get the one in the middle.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up peckerwood! She's yours.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Their parents were in the Beatles.
:'''Beavis''': These chicks sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, I like Theodore. He's cool.
:'''Beavis''': Which one's Theodore?
:'''Butt-head''': He's the fat one. I bet the fat one has a big butt. &quot;I like big butts and I will not lie! You other brothers can't deny!&quot;

===[[w:Winger (band)|Winger]], &quot;Seventeen&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Kip Winger|His]] teeth are whiter than white!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They're...white!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys live on the edge!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  The edge of Wuss Cliff.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is [[w:Joey Buttafuoco|Joey Buttafuoco]]'s﻿ theme song.

==X==
==Y==
===[[Yanni]], &quot;Reflections of Passion&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Life. What a beautiful choice.
:'''Beavis''': Life. It sucks! All these kids have one thing in common - they're all here because a couple people did it. [''Yanni fades in on screen''] Whoa, look at that, it's [[w:Geraldo Rivera|Geraldo]]!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh no. This is Yanni.
:'''Beavis''': Come on, change it, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': I can't believe they're even showing this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.
:'''Butt-head''': This guy is the biggest butthole I've ever seen in my life.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Change it, Butt-head. Come on, gimme that!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, wait a minute, I think it's about to rock. [''turns the volume up as loud as it can go'']
:'''Beavis''': Come on, dammit Butt-head, cut it out!
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis. You like this.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! No I don't! Turn it down!
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, did you know that this guy is your dad?
:'''Beavis''': AAAAAAHHHH!!! NOOOOOO!!!!
:'''Butt-head''': You're a dumbass, Beavis. You just, like, believe anything anybody tells you.
:'''Beavis''': Um, no. I was just kidding.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Check it out. She's leaving him because he sucks.

===[[w:Yes (band)|Yes]], &quot;[[w:Owner of a Lonely Heart|Owner of a Lonely Heart]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Yep, that's him, officer.
:'''Beavis''': Book him, Danno.
:'''Butt-head''': Kick him, Danno.
:'''Beavis''': And punch him! He deserves it. He sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': We charge you with being in a sucky video for a crappy song.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Guilty as charged!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, where are they taking him?
:'''Butt-head''': I think they're gonna go torture him somewhere, like, to get him to say something.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. You mean, like, &quot;I'm a monkey's uncle&quot;?
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass! Like, y'know, where the money is, or something like that.
:'''Beavis''': If I was that dude, I'd just, like, kick 'em in the nads, and then like smack their heads together, then just like tear ass!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, if that was you, they'd just, like, touch you, and then you'd go &quot;Aaaahhh!!! I'm a monkey's uncle and I put the money in my backyard!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': No sir! Buttmunch.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': They're making him fight the janitor.
:'''Beavis''': Fight, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': If I was a janitor, I'd like, throw a bunch of sawdust with puke at him, and then I'd go &quot;Now who's bad?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a man jumps off a tall building'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, now this is gettin' good. [''The man transforms into a bird''] What? He turned into a bird!
:'''Butt-head''': If I could turn into a bird, I'd turn into a cock.
:'''Beavis''': Cock-a-doodle-doo!

===[[w:Yolanda Be Cool|Yolanda Be Cool]] feat. [[w:DCUP|DCUP]], &quot;[[w:We No Speak Americano|We No Speak Americano]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': This first part of the song sounds like the music they play at the [[w:Olive Garden|Olive Garden]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. But then it kicks ass later.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. The Olive Garden kicks ass too.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. I like to go there and stuff my face with breadsticks, 'cause they're free.
:'''Butt-head''': If you leave that place hungry, you're just stupid.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''at the chorus''] Now this is the cool part of the song.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Remember when you asked that waitress at the Olive Garden to dance, and then she slapped you and the manager threw you out.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. That was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': She probably would have danced with me because I have better moves.
:'''Beavis''': No you don't. Check this out. [''Beavis pretends to penetrate the top of the couch and sings the beat''] 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… your moves suck, Beavis. Check this out. [''Beavis flails his arms while Butt-head jumps from one side to the other'']
:'''Beavis''': No soy Americano…

===[[w:Gary Young|Gary Young]], &quot;Plantman&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um…is this [[w:Robert Plant|Robert Plant]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Plantman? What's that?
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, that's that thing I always play on the drums. I can play that. [''imitates randomly hitting a drum kit''] Dadadadah dudududuh dudududuh dudududuh duh!
:'''Butt-head''': That's probably the only thing this guy can play. He like, brings his friends over and goes &quot;Hey check this out. Dudududuh dudududuh dudududuh duh!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': He's probably like, one of those rich kids. Like, his parents bought him a guitar, and he couldn't play that either.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. And then he said &quot;Well, maybe if I get a really cool suit, then that'll help.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit. This Nickelodeon crap has gone too far.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Heyy, Butt-head. Heyy, I just thought of something. Who do you think would win in a fight between Plantman and [[Beavis and Butt-head#Soundgarden, Spoonman|Spoonman]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…I think Spoonman would win, cause he's, like, a bum. And he could, like, beat his head with spoons.
:'''Beavis''': Heyy, I just thought of something else.
:'''Butt-head''': How come you keep doing that, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Doing what?
:'''Butt-head''': That thing where you go &quot;Heyy,&quot;
:'''Beavis''': I dunno. It kinda feels good. Heyy, how's it goin'? Heyy.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, heyy. This does feel pretty good.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Heyy.
:'''Butt-head''': Heyy.
:'''Beavis''': This feels good. Heyy!
:'''Butt-head''': Heyy.
:'''Beavis''': Heyy!
:'''Butt-head''': Heyy.

===[[w:Young MC|Young MC]], &quot;Principal's Office&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Is this &quot;[[w:A Different World|A Different World]]&quot;?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  School.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How come they do so many videos in school?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': If I wanted to see pictures of school, I'd ''go'' there!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Hey, Butt-head.  You think if we went to school, we could, like, be in a video?
:'''Butt-head''': It's worth a try, Beavis.

==Z==
===[[w:Pia Zadora|Pia Zadora]], &quot;Rock It Out&quot;===
:[''video is set in a women's prison; a woman lifts up her shirt, almost exposing her breasts'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That's the most naked I've ever seen a chick on TV!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah!  Um, except for that, um, that body spray commercial they play about 60 times a day.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  Those black boxes suck.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, is this a [[w:Women in prison film|women in prison movie]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah!  I think so!
:'''Beavis''': All right, yeah!  I'm up for this, yeah.  Nothing like gettin' some nachos and sittin' back and watchin' a good old women in prison movie.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Is this ''[[w:Chained Heat|Chained Heat]]''?  What is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, maybe this ''isn't'' a women in prison movie.  It's like, they're singing and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  W - what's the deal here?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...maybe this is, like, you know, drama chicks in prison.
:'''Beavis''': Um...oh, wait a minute.  Waaaaait a minute.  I know what this is.  This is &quot;[[w:Cop Rock|Cop Rock]]&quot;!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  &quot;Cop Rock&quot; sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that show would've been better if there was, like, you know, more fights and brutality and stuff like that.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': So it's just like, you know, &quot;Cop&quot;, but without the &quot;Rock&quot;?  You know, they're just, like, &quot;Cop.&quot;  It - it was just &quot;Cop.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Could be a show about people copping a feel.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  I'd tune in to that, yeah.

===[[Frank Zappa]], &quot;You Are What You Is&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! That dude has lettuce on his head.
:'''Beavis''': His head is lettuce. Lettuce spray, ssspray. [''blows a long loud raspberry'']
:'''Butt-head''': Cut it out, Beavis! What are you doing?
:'''Beavis''': I'm spraying. [''blows another raspberry'']
:'''Butt-head''': That's pretty cool. When did you start doing that?
:'''Beavis''': Just now.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, this really sucks. [''changes the channel'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''after watching the Europeans' &quot;We Are Animals&quot; for a long time, they change back to the station where the Frank Zappa video was playing'']
:'''Butt-head''': This is still on? That pisses me off!
:'''Beavis''': That sucks! It's bad enough, like, when stuff sucks. But when it's really long, that sucks.

===[[w:ZZ Top|ZZ Top]], &quot;Legs&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head.  She wants it.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And I'm gonna give it to her.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [[w:Billy Gibbons|Billy Gibbons]] has a long beard.
:'''Butt-head''': Do you think he has a long johnson?
:'''Beavis''': Does he have a ''[[w:Don Johnson|Don Johnson]]''??
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Don Johnson is married to [[w:Melanie Griffith|that chick]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, Butt-head!  [[w:Al Bundy|Al Bundy]]!
:'''Butt-head''': Is that [[w:Ted Bundy|that dude that killed all those people]]?
:'''Beavis''': No, peckerwood!  That's the dude from &quot;[[w:All My Children|All My Children]]&quot;!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  The dude from &quot;All My Children&quot; killed people?
:'''Beavis''': No, that was the dude from &quot;Rock&quot;!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  He's cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Better change it, dude.  This video is telling a story.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Stories suck.  [''changes channel'']

==Cast==
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Beavis|Beavis]] 
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]

==External links==
*{{Official website|http://www.mtv.com/shows/beavis_and_butthead/}}
*{{IMDb title|0105950|Beavis and Butt-Head}}

&lt;center&gt;[[Beavis and Butt-head (pilots)|Pilots]] • Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music videos]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience|Album]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]&lt;/center&gt;

[[Category:Beavis and Butt-head]]&lt;!--This categorization probably isn't optimal.--&gt;</text>
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    <title>Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)</title>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-26T18:10:32Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* External links */ r/m Template:Tv.com show</comment>
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      <text bytes="32091" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[Beavis and Butt-head]]''''' (1993–1997, 2011) was an [[United States of America|American]] animated [[television]] series that originally aired on the cable television channel [[w:MTV|MTV]].&amp;nbsp; It followed the misadventures of two teenagers, [[w:Beavis|Beavis]] and [[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]].&amp;nbsp; '''[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#Season 2 (1993)|Season two]]''' originally aired from 17 May to 15 July 1993.

{{center|
[[Beavis and Butt-head (pilots)|Pilots]] • Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music videos]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience|Album]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]
}}

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep7|Scientific Stuff]]&quot; [2.01]==
:'''[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]''':&amp;nbsp; [''lights a fire-cracking under one fin of a model rocket so that said rocket flies slightly in the air before immediately [[crashing]] upon its side'']&amp;nbsp; And that was the first time that a [[teacher]] was shot into [[space]].
:'''Mrs. Dickie''':&amp;nbsp; That was the most [[offensive]] [[science]] report I've ever heard.&amp;nbsp; How could you do such a thing?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Beavis helped me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Beavis|Beavis]]''':&amp;nbsp; If you pour [[salt]] on a [[snail]], a lot of [[scientific]] stuff happens.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Daria Morgendorffer|Daria]]''':&amp;nbsp; Butt-head, why don't you try this [[experiment]]?&amp;nbsp; Analyse the [[friction]] caused by digitally oscillating your weiner.
:[''Beavis and Butt-head both laugh'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; That was [[cool (aesthetic)|cool]].

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep8|Good Credit]]&quot; [2.02]==
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, Butt-head, look what I found yesterday.&amp;nbsp; [''holds up a [[credit card]] with the name Thomas T. Anderson on it'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Woah!&amp;nbsp; Where'd ya find it?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Anderson's house.&amp;nbsp; [''lights lighter'']&amp;nbsp; Let's [[burn]] it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''at a pet store'']&amp;nbsp; Do you sell any ''[[dead]]'' [[animals]]?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''to a [[parrot]]'']&amp;nbsp; Polly want an [[Alka-Seltzer]]?

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep9|Burger World]]&quot; [2.03]==
:'''Tom Anderson''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, you look kinda familiar.&amp;nbsp; You ain't the [[kids]] that [[spray painted]] my [[dog]] last week, are you?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Huh-huh, that was, uh…other kids.&amp;nbsp; Huh-huh, huh.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''punching buttons on the cash register'']&amp;nbsp; Uh…here, it's, uh…it's [[gratis|free]], I guess.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Did you know, when you [[eat]] rump roast, you're eating a [[cow]]'s [[butt]]?

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep10|Baby Makes Uh, Three]]&quot; [2.04]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; I'm gonna slap you around like a redheaded stepchild!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; And so, it is with utmost [[regret]] that I must report that our [[baby]] was [[stolen]] by [[gypsies]] in the [[night]].&amp;nbsp; Huh-huh, huh-huh.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, heh-heh-heh.&amp;nbsp; [[Sorry]] about that.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep11|Beware of the Butt]]&quot; [2.05]==
:'''[[Alex Trebek]]''':&amp;nbsp; [&lt;i&gt;on &lt;/i&gt;[[Jeopardy!]]&lt;i&gt;&lt;/i&gt;]&amp;nbsp; [[Biological]] processes for eight-hundred:&amp;nbsp; Part of the [[body]] responsible for the [[creation]] and [[organisation]] of the [[electronic]] pulses which, when processed, form the basis of [[intelligence]].
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''watching [[t.&amp;nbsp;v.]]'']&amp;nbsp; What is the [[butt]], Alex?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''while stroking a [[hot dog]]'']&amp;nbsp; Look, I'm stroking my wiener.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Butt-head''': That's the biggest, fattest, hairiest, wart-coveredest butt I ever saw.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. His is pretty ugly, too.
:''[Butt-head takes a picture of the butt. He and Beavis are soon scared when the owner of the butt shows her face.]''
:'''Butt Woman''': You boys think you got a problem with my ''butt''?! I'm gonna kick ''your'' butts all over this drive-in!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt Woman''':&amp;nbsp; You boys ready to [[die]]!?
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Ahhh!&amp;nbsp; Buttwoman!
:''[The Butt Woman maniacally laughs as the boys try to outrun her. They trip and are cornered by the Butt Woman.]'' 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Later on at an empty drive-in, Beavis and Butt-head are seen hanging upside down on the [[w:drive-in theater|drive-in]] sign with no pants. The sign reads: Hello, look at our Butts!]''
:'''Butt-head''': Help! Help. This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the boys are hanging upsidedown from the [[drive-in theatre|drive-in]] sign with no [[pants]]'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Your [[butt]]'s weird-looking.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Shut up.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Huh-huh-huh.&amp;nbsp; Kinda looks like, huh-huh, [[baloney]].&amp;nbsp; Huh-huh-huh.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Shut up, dude.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; With [[pimples]] on it.&amp;nbsp; Huh-huh, huh-huh.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, Butthead, why are you so interested in my ''butt''?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh…have you heard that new [[GWAR]] album?

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep12|At the Sideshow]]&quot; [2.06]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''upon hearing on [[t.&amp;nbsp;v.]] that a freakshow was going to be at a travelling carnival'']&amp;nbsp; Whoa, maybe they got one of those dudes with two [[butts]]!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''to the &quot;rubber band lady&quot;'']&amp;nbsp; Uh, could you pick your [[butt]] with your [[nose]]?

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep13|Customers Suck]]&quot; [2.07]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; I don't like stuff that sucks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''over the drive-thru speaker'']&amp;nbsp; Uhh…we're, like, uh…closed, or something.&amp;nbsp; Go away.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [[Customers]] suck.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mr. Stevenson''':&amp;nbsp; Are your [[milkshakes]] made with [[real]] [[milk]] and [[ice cream]], or do you use that reconstituted shake mix stuff.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah.
:'''Mr. Stevenson''':&amp;nbsp; What do you mean?&amp;nbsp; Yeah, you use the shake mix?&amp;nbsp; Or yeah, you use the real stuff?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah.
:'''Mr. Stevenson''':&amp;nbsp; [''sighs'']&amp;nbsp; Let me talk to the [[manager]].
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''steps up to the counter'']&amp;nbsp; I'm an assistant manager, sir.&amp;nbsp; Is there something ''I'' can help you with?
:'''Mr. Stevenson''':&amp;nbsp; Yes, I'm trying to ask a ''very'' simple question, here.&amp;nbsp; Are your shakes made from shake mix, or from ice cream and milk?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh, we have [[vanilla]], [[chocolate]], and [[strawberry]].
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep14|Sick]]&quot; [2.08]==
:[''Beavis is licking a [[toad]]'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; I don't get it.&amp;nbsp; It's supposed to pack an awesome [[substance intoxication|buzz]].
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''spits out toad'']&amp;nbsp; Mmm.&amp;nbsp; [[Tastes]] like [[chicken]].
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''looking for the toad'']&amp;nbsp; Here, toadie, toadie.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep15|Home Improvement]]&quot; [2.09]==
:'''Tom Anderson''':&amp;nbsp; Now, you'll only be [[painting]] the trim, and if I see so much as a drop of paint anywhere's else, you'll [[clean]] it up and it'll come out of your [[pay]].&amp;nbsp; I don't want to see a whole lot of brush strokes and bubbles, neither.&amp;nbsp; You know, back when I'as in the service, they'd throw a fella in the brig for messing up the paint job.&amp;nbsp; Now, I'll be back in a while to see how you're doing.&amp;nbsp; [''leaves'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; This sucks.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Disclaimer''':&amp;nbsp; [[Breathing]] [[paint thinner]] will damage your [[brain]].&amp;nbsp; Look what it's done to Beavis and Butt-head

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''singing'']&amp;nbsp; [[Judas Priest|Breaking the law, breaking the law!]]

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Tom Anderson''':&amp;nbsp; One of 'em calls himself Butthole.&amp;nbsp; And the other one's name is Joe, I think.
:'''Police officer''':&amp;nbsp; And, uh, what did these boys [[appear|look]] like?
:'''Tom Anderson''':&amp;nbsp; I [[believe]] they were oriental.

==&quot;Way Down Mexico Way&quot; [2.10, 2.11]==
===&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep16|Way Down Mexico Way]]&quot; [2.10]===
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; M-80s?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Firecrackers?
:[''Mexican woman shrugs'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [[Fireworks]]?
:[''Mexican woman shrugs'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; These people are ''[[stupid]]''.
===&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep17|Way Down Mexico Way (Part 2)&lt;!--The title card depicts the &quot;Part 2&quot; in parentheses; see: http://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/beavisandbutthead/images/f/f0/S02E16_-_Way_Down_Mexico_Way_P2.png/revision/latest?cb=20121023195919 --&gt;]]&quot; [2.11]===
:'''Dave''':&amp;nbsp; Now it's time for you guys to earn your keep.&amp;nbsp; Look in the glove box.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''opens the glove compartment and pulls out two condoms'']&amp;nbsp; Oh, no, Dave's gonna boof us.
:'''Dave''':&amp;nbsp; Time to fill 'em, boys.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; I can't fill that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Disclaimer''':&amp;nbsp; [[Warning]]:&amp;nbsp; If you're not a [[cartoon]] swallowing a [[condom|rubber]] full of [[drugs]] can [[kill]] you

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [[Mexico]] sucks!

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep18|At the Movies]]&quot; [2.12]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, check this out.&amp;nbsp; &quot;For a good time, call Beavis's [[mom]].&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; …and ''this'' little [[cop|piggy]] shot a big-ass hole through his [[foot]]!

==&quot;[[w:No Laughing (Beavis and Butt-head)|No Laughing]]&quot; [2.13, 2.14]==
:'''Mr. Herrera''':&amp;nbsp; ¿Señor Butt-head, como es Juan?
::Translation:&amp;nbsp; Mr. Butt-head, how is John?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh…[[burritos]].
:'''Mr. Herrera''':&amp;nbsp; No, no, no.&amp;nbsp; ¿Como es Juan?&amp;nbsp; ¿Como es Juan?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh…[[guacamole]].
:'''Mr. Herrera''':&amp;nbsp; No, no.&amp;nbsp; ¿Señor Beavis, Como es Juan?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Um, [[spaghetti]].
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Heh heh.&amp;nbsp; Spaghetti?
:'''Mr. Herrera''':&amp;nbsp; Spaghetti?&amp;nbsp; That's [[Italian]], you moron!&amp;nbsp; Damn it, you [[idiots]] have been in this class for almost a whole school year, and the only [[Spanish]] you know is what you [[learned]] at [[Taco Bell]], and Beavis can't even get ''that'' right!&amp;nbsp; I'm gonna give you little bastards just ten seconds to come up with a sentence in Spanish, and if you can't, you're both going to the principal's office and you're both flunking.&amp;nbsp; [''pause'']&amp;nbsp; Well, I'm waiting.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uuh…[''mocks Spanish accent'']…rendo-pordo-curdoh-nut-a-ben-yubarduhvuh-[[Rico Suave|Rico-Suave]].&amp;nbsp; Huh-huh.
:[''class laughs'']
:'''Mr. Herrera''':&amp;nbsp; Principal's office, now!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Ah, [[Taco]] Supreme.
:'''Mr. Herrera''':''[Class continues laughing]'' GET OUT, NOW!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Butt-head is holding a [[pencil]] over his crotch depicting an erect penis.&amp;nbsp; He and Beavis are laughing at it.&amp;nbsp; Butt-head then holds the pencil over his desk and drops it.&amp;nbsp; It hits the desk with the eraser end, causing it to bounce off of the desk.&amp;nbsp; It flies through the air and into Beavis's left [[eye]] and Beavis [[bleeds]] from his eye, screaming'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''screaming'']&amp;nbsp; Aaaagh!!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Whoa, that was [[cool (aesthetic)|cool]], it really ''does'' happen.
:[''Beavis pulls the pencil out of his eye socket and chuckles'']
:'''Mr. Stevenson''':&amp;nbsp; Okay.&amp;nbsp; Armstrong?
:'''Armstrong''':&amp;nbsp; Here.
:'''Mr. Stevenson''':&amp;nbsp; Armyho?
:'''Armyho''':&amp;nbsp; Present.
:'''Mr. Stevenson''':&amp;nbsp; Baca?
:'''Baca''':&amp;nbsp; Yo!
:'''Mr. Stevenson''':&amp;nbsp; Butkis?
:'''Daniel Butkis''':&amp;nbsp; Here.&amp;nbsp;
:''[Mr. Stevenson frowns as he catches Beavis and Butt-head laughing]''
:'''Mr. Stevenson''':&amp;nbsp; Damn it, what's wrong with you two?&amp;nbsp; We've been in school over seven months now, and every single day, when I call Daniel Butkis's name, you guys have to [[laugh]].&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis and Butt-head laugh some more'']&amp;nbsp; Is it really still that [[funny]]?&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis and Butt-head laugh'']&amp;nbsp; Doesn't it ever get old?&amp;nbsp; Are you gonna laugh for the rest of your lives every time someone says the name Butkis?&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis and Butt-head laugh'']&amp;nbsp; That does it.&amp;nbsp; Principal's office, now.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Principal McVicar''':&amp;nbsp; Oh, you guys think this is funny?&amp;nbsp; You've been to four classes today and you've been sent here four times!&amp;nbsp; And this [[laughing]] thing, what the hell is with this laughing thing?!&amp;nbsp; All the [[teachers]] are sick of it!&amp;nbsp; Mr. Sherman, your [[history]] teacher, says he's completely given up on trying to teach your class about the gay [[1890s|'90s]].&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis and Butt-head start laughing harder'']&amp;nbsp; See?&amp;nbsp; ''See?!''&amp;nbsp; Now that's ''exactly'' what I'm talking about!&amp;nbsp; You are both suspended for a ''week''!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''he and Beavis stop laughing temporarily, still grinning'']&amp;nbsp; Uhhh…what's that mean?
:'''Principal McVicar''':&amp;nbsp; It means I, uh-I-I don't wanna see ya anywhere ''near'' this school for a whole week!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [[Cool (aesthetic)|Cool]]!&amp;nbsp; [''he and Beavis do air guitars and vocally imitate the guitar riff of &quot;Paradise City&quot; by [[Guns N' Roses]]'']
:'''Principal McVicar''':&amp;nbsp; Shut up!&amp;nbsp; Forget it.&amp;nbsp; No, no, you're not suspended.&amp;nbsp; No, I-I-I've got a better idea.&amp;nbsp; Yeah, hah!&amp;nbsp; I'm gonna ''get'' you guys this time.&amp;nbsp; [''laughs and takes a bottle of [[Old Crow]] [[bourbon whiskey]] out from under his desk; Beavis and Butt-head start laughing again as McVicker drinks the whiskey]

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; So, Beavis and Butt-head.&amp;nbsp; I understand Mr. McVicker has made a little arrangement with you guys—yeah, a little probation.&amp;nbsp; You see, class, Beavis and Butt-head here are not allowed to [[laugh]] for a whole week.&amp;nbsp; That's right, and if they do laugh, they'll be expelled and they'll have to go to Hope High School where they'll get their asses kicked on a daily basis by all the ''other'' delinquents!&amp;nbsp; Ha, ha, ha!
:[''class giggles, except for Beavis and Butt-head who struggle to hold their laughter'']  
:'''Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; Well, I was real glad to hear that because this is [[sex education|sex-education]] week.&amp;nbsp; That's right, ''sex-ed'' week!&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis and Butt-head struggle to hold in their laughter'']&amp;nbsp; We're gonna be talkin' about ''the [[penis]]!''&amp;nbsp; We'll be talking about ''the [[vagina]]!''&amp;nbsp; Do you think that's [[funny]], Butt-head?!&amp;nbsp; Do you find it [[amusing]] that we'll be talking about the ''[[testicles]]!''?&amp;nbsp; [''Butt-head strains to hold in his laughter'']&amp;nbsp; Yes, we're also gonna be talkin' about [[venereal disease|''venereal'' disease]]!&amp;nbsp; ''[[Sexual intercourse]]!''&amp;nbsp; The ''[[scrotum]]!''&amp;nbsp; The ''[[clitoris]]!''&amp;nbsp; And—and we will ''definitely'' be spending a ''lot'' of time talking about ''[[masturbation]]!!''&amp;nbsp; [''class giggles; Beavis and Butt-head struggle to hold in their laughter'']&amp;nbsp; Well, now that &lt;i&gt;that&lt;/i&gt;'s out of the way, let's take roll.&amp;nbsp; Butkis!
:'''Daniel Butkis''':&amp;nbsp; Here.&amp;nbsp; Ha ha ha.
:'''Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; Gaylord!&amp;nbsp; Hyman!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
Notes:
#This is the DVD cut version which was edited to be exactly 6 minutes.&amp;nbsp; In the original version, Buzzcut also says that they will be talking about the &quot;scrotum&quot; and &quot;clitoris,&quot; but does not take roll of the names with obvious vulgar connotations.&amp;nbsp; Also, a scene at the end in which Beavis and Butt-head say &quot;They said penis…they said masturbation…they said vagina…that was cool&quot; is not present.
#While the principal's name is depicted as McVicar in this episode, it is depicted as McVicker in later episodes.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep21|The Butt-head Experience]]&quot; [2.15]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; You asswipe!&amp;nbsp; I was about to have a [[wet dream]].

::''See also: &quot;[[#&quot;Sick&quot; .5B2.08.5D|Sick]]&quot; (S2E8).''

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep22|Lawn and&lt;!--The title card spells it out as &quot;and&quot;; see: http://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/beavisandbutthead/images/f/fb/Lawn_and_Garden.png/revision/latest?cb=20110829154631 --&gt; Garden]]&quot; [2.16]==
:'''Mr. Anderson''':&amp;nbsp; Now, I want you boys to prune both of these [[trees]] up front here and I, uh…&amp;nbsp; Hey, you boys look [[familiar]].&amp;nbsp; Aren't you the ones that [[#&quot;Home Improvement&quot; .5B2.09.5D|ran off with my riding mower last week]]?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh…no.
:'''Mr. Anderson''':&amp;nbsp; You the ones that [[painted]] my [[cat]]'s [[butt]]?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; No.
:'''Mr. Anderson''':&amp;nbsp; Well, the [[cops]]'ll get 'em.&amp;nbsp; Luckily, I've got [[homeowner's insurance]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mr. Anderson''':&amp;nbsp; I'll be back in a while to see how you're doing.&amp;nbsp; Remember, it ain't what you [[cut]], it's what you ''don't'' cut.&amp;nbsp; [''walks away'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; What a dork.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mr. Anderson''':&amp;nbsp; Boy, oh, boy.&amp;nbsp; What I wouldn't give for five [[minutes]] alone with those little [[bastards]] that took my [[mower]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, Butt-head, do you [[think]] a [[man]] will ever land on [[Uranus]]?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Maybe on ''your'' [[anus]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; What are we supposed to do, again?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh…I forgot.&amp;nbsp; Huh-huh, huh-huh.&amp;nbsp; Oh, yeah, I think we're supposed to, like, cut off the branches.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; All of them?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, I guess.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [[Cool (aesthetic)|Cool]]!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, if we gotta cut off all the branches, let's just cut it right down here.&amp;nbsp; [''points at the tree trunk'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah.&amp;nbsp; Then we get 'em all at once.&amp;nbsp; You're pretty [[smart]], Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah.&amp;nbsp; Maybe he'll [[pay]] us extra.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, that would be cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''uses chainsaw to cut down the tree, which falls on the house, the impact of which sends Tom Anderson to the ground; the tree pulls down telephone poles which smash into various cars and Tom Anderson's fence'']&amp;nbsp; Whoa!&amp;nbsp; That was [[cool (aesthetic)|cool]]!&amp;nbsp; Huh-huh, huh-huh, huh-huh.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah.&amp;nbsp; This [[chainsaw]] kicks ass!&amp;nbsp; Pruning is cool!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah!&amp;nbsp; Let's go prune some [[power lines]]!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Tom Anderson shows up speechless'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; We're gonna have to charge you extra, sir.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, we pruned the [[house]], too.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep23|Stewart's House]]&quot; [2.17]==
:'''Disclaimer:''' Beavis and Butt-Head are not real. They are stupid cartoon people completely made up by this Texas guy who we hardly even know. Beavis and Butt-Head are dumb, crude, thoughtless, ugly, sexist, self-destructive fools. But for some reason, the little weinerheads make us laugh.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''upon deciding they wanted to watch ''Death Truck'' on [[pay-per-view]]'']&amp;nbsp; Stewart's house!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Stewart''':&amp;nbsp; My [[parents]] aren't home.&amp;nbsp; They told me not to let you guys in the house even if they ''are'' here.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [[Think]] the [[carpet]]'ll [[burn]]?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Disclaimer''':&amp;nbsp; If you're not a [[cartoon]], stove gas will [[kill]] you.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, Beavis.&amp;nbsp; I heard if you filled a room with [[gas]] and light a match, all the [[oxygen]] disappears and we'll get a killer [[substance intoxication|buzz]]!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mr. Stevenson''':&amp;nbsp; This is [[bad]], boys, for a number of reasons.&amp;nbsp; First is the [[trust]] factor.&amp;nbsp; Stewart, we trusted you to stay home unsupervised.&amp;nbsp; Now you violated that trust, didn't you?&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis and Butt-head laugh'']&amp;nbsp; Now you two, you came into my [[house]] and you blew it up.&amp;nbsp; [[Luckily]], I've got homeowner's insurance.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Huh-huh.&amp;nbsp; I ''bet'' you do.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep24|For Better or Verse]]&quot; [2.18]==
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Light it first, ''then'' spray.&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis lights a lighter and Butt-head sprays something from a can causing a burst of [[flames]] that singe Beavis's entire upper body.'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; That was [[cool (aesthetic)|cool]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Which one's Ozzy?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; That's him in the Members Only jacket.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''':&amp;nbsp; Today, we're going to explore the world of [[haiku]].
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; We're gonna explore the world of getting [[substance intoxication|high]]?&amp;nbsp; [[Cool (aesthetic)|Cool]]!&amp;nbsp; Huh huh.
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''':&amp;nbsp; No, Butt-head.&amp;nbsp; Not &quot;high, cool,&quot; but the [[ancient]], [[Japanese]], spare, haunting [[poetry]] called &quot;haiku.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head's poem''':&amp;nbsp; That was cool huh huh
:::::::When we [[killed]] that [[frog]] huh huh
:::::::It won't croak again

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Guidance counselor&lt;!--NOT Mr. Dick Gaylord, but someone else--&gt;''':&amp;nbsp; [''looking at Beavis's and Butt-head's files'']&amp;nbsp; Oh, well, there ''are'' [[people]] in the bottom percentile.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep25|Bedpans &amp;&lt;!--The ampersand here is appropriate.  See the title card here: http://vignette4.wikia.nocookie.net/beavisandbutthead/images/0/04/Bedpans_%26_Broomsticks.png/revision/latest?cb=20111201055021 --&gt; Broomsticks]]&quot; [2.19]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''to a woman in labour'']&amp;nbsp; Try the [[morphine]].&amp;nbsp; It's excellent today.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; The [[fatter]] they are, the fatter they fall.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''':''(on Billy Bob's scooter doing a wheelie)'' DONUTTTTTT!
:'''Billy Bob''':''(Catches the boys and is furious)'' THEY DIE!!!!!
:''[Beavis and Butt-head screams as Billy Bob breaks through the wall and runs towards them.]''

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep26|Babes R&lt;!--There are no apostrophes or quote marks surrounding the 'R' in this title.  See the title card here: http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/beavisandbutthead/images/a/aa/S02E10_-_Babes_R_Us.png/revision/latest?cb=20130415052811 --&gt; Us]]&quot; [2.20]==
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''in unison'']&amp;nbsp; [[Diarrhea]], cha cha cha!&amp;nbsp; Diarrhea, cha cha cha!&amp;nbsp; Diarrhea, cha cha cha!
:'''Daria''':&amp;nbsp; Get a life.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ticket clerk''':&amp;nbsp; How old are you fellas?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Fifteen.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, heh-heh.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh…[''in a deeper voice''] uh, I mean, twenty-seven?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Beavis has just thrown Butt-head in the mud hole.]''
:'''Butt-head''': Hey spank your own monkey all you want, but keep your hands off mine.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep27|Yogurt's Cool&lt;!-- http://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/beavisandbutthead/images/1/17/Yogurt%27s_Cool.png/revision/latest?cb=20111201055245 --&gt;]]&quot; [2.21]==
:'''Guidance counselor''':&amp;nbsp; Do either of you have [[metal]] plates in your [[skull]]?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, we're both [[metalheads]].

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep28|Heroes]]&quot; [2.22]==
:'''Billy Bob''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, there.&amp;nbsp; Welcome to Bob's Fancy Skeet.&amp;nbsp; You boys eighteen?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh…no.
:'''Billy Bob''':&amp;nbsp; [''coughs'']&amp;nbsp; Let me start again.&amp;nbsp; Hey there, you boys eighteen?&amp;nbsp; [''points to sign that reads, &quot;&lt;small&gt;MUST BE &lt;/small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:maroon;&quot;&gt;18&lt;/span&gt;&lt;small&gt; OR OVER&lt;/small&gt;&quot;'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh…no.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; You bagged a [[jumbo jet]].
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Do I get to keep it?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''reads instructions on door''] In case of... uhh... pull... hand-le... [''strains as he pulls the emergency handle on a door at the front of the jet, then gives up''] Uuuhh...! that's hard!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Hey Butt-Head, pull my finger. Heh-heh-m.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; No way, huh-huh. Pull my leg. [''They both leave the area'']

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep29|Washing the Dog]]&quot; [2.24]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, Mr. Anderson, are you gonna [[die]] pretty soon?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, and leave all your [[money]] to someone?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; That would be [[cool (aesthetic)|cool]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''upon smelling Anderson's sick dog'']&amp;nbsp; [[Smells Like Teen Spirit|Smells like teen spirit]].
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [[Smells]] like your [[butt]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''reading sign above washing machines'']&amp;nbsp; Huh huh huh, it says &quot;load.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''placing dog in washing machine'']&amp;nbsp; It's a [[poodle]], set it on &quot;delicate.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''to the tune of &quot;[[w:Breaking the Law|Breaking the Law]]&quot; by [[Judas Priest]]'']&amp;nbsp; Washing the dog, washing the dog!&amp;nbsp; Washing the dog, washing the dog!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Heh heh, I [[barfed]] on the [[dog]].
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Huh huh, I barfed on ''you''.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Tom Anderson''':&amp;nbsp; That's it!&amp;nbsp; Get your worthless hides off my [[property]] and don't ever come back!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh…okay, but, uh, we got just one [[question]].
:'''Tom Anderson''':&amp;nbsp; Get out!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh…can we be in your [[wills|will]]?

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep30|Friday Night]]&quot; [2.25]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Check it out.&amp;nbsp; [''the due sees a sign that reads, &quot;WEINERS! 50¢&quot;'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Biker lady''':&amp;nbsp; [''[[theft|stuffing store items]] into Butt-head's then Beavis's [[clothes]]'']&amp;nbsp; [[Now]], [[listen]], you just keep [[quiet]] and [[pretend|play]] [[dumb]].
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; What does ''that'' [[mean]]?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, Butt-head, I still got my [[condom]]inium.&amp;nbsp; What do I do with it?
:'''Both Beavis and Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''in unison'']&amp;nbsp; Saturday night!!

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep31|Be All You Can Be]]&quot; [2.26]==
:'''Sergeant Dick Leakey''':&amp;nbsp; So, you [[boys]] [[know]] anyone in the [[military]]?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Beavis's [[dad]] was in the [[Navy]].
:'''Sergeant Dick Leakey''':&amp;nbsp; Is that right?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, he was a [[semen|seaman]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sergent''':&amp;nbsp; I'm [[prepared]] to [[promise]] you your own [[guns]], ammo, grenades, and uniforms.&amp;nbsp; I'll get you a delayed entry, and I can probably get you stationed at [[Fort Dix]].
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Is that anywere near Fort [[Testicles|Nuts]]?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sergeant Dick Leakey''':&amp;nbsp; Seems you boys joined by assigning youselves a [[military rank|rank]].&amp;nbsp; So, which one of you signed up as &quot;[[Major]] [[Erection|Woody]]&quot; and &quot;[[Private (rank)|Private]] [[Intimate parts|Parts]]&quot;?!&amp;nbsp; Why, you little [[pinkos]]!

==Cast==
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Beavis|Beavis]] (23 episodes)
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]] (23 episodes)
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—Thomas &quot;Tom&quot; T. Anderson&lt;!--Full name depicted as Thomas T. Anderson on a credit card in the episode &quot;Good Credit&quot; (S2E2).--&gt; (5 episodes)&lt;!--E2, E3, E9, E16, E23--&gt;
*Penelope Trud—[[w:List of minor characters in Beavis and Butt-head#Mrs. Dickie|Mrs. Dickie]] (science teacher)&lt;!--Name is revealed to be Mrs. Dickie in her first appearance, &quot;Scientific Stuff&quot; (S2E1).--&gt; (4 episodes)&lt;!--E1, E13, E15, E22--&gt;
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—Mr. Stevenson&lt;!--First seen in &quot;Customers Suck&quot; (S2E7), he is revealed to be a teacher in &quot;No Laughing&quot; (S2E13) and Stewart's father in &quot;Stewart's House&quot; (S2E17).  His name is not yet revealed.--&gt; (3 episodes)&lt;!--E7, E13, E17--&gt;
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—Principal McVicker&lt;!--First seen in &quot;Customers Suck&quot; (S2E7), his identity is revealed to be Principal McVicker in &quot;No Laughing&quot; (S2E13), although it is spelled in that episode as Principal McVicar.--&gt; (3 episodes)&lt;!--E7, E13, E22--&gt;
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—guidance counselor&lt;!--A guidance counselor is first seen in &quot;For Better or Verse&quot; (S2E18), but no name is given; this is not Mr. Dick Gaylord.--&gt; (3 episodes)&lt;!--E18, E21, E22--&gt;
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—Billy Bob&lt;!--First seen in &quot;Bedpans &amp; Broomsticks&quot; (S2E19) where he is referred to as Billy Bob by a doctor, he simply calls himself Bob in &quot;Heroes&quot; (S2E22) and is shown to be the proprietor of Bob's Skeetshack.--&gt; (3 episodes)&lt;!--E19, E20, E22--&gt;
*[[w:Tracy Grandstaff|Tracy Grandstaff]]—[[w:Daria Morgendorffer|Daria Morgendorffer]]&lt;!--Full name is revealed to be Daria Morgendorffer in &quot;Scientific Stuff&quot; (S2E1).  The boys first refer to her as &quot;Diarrhea&quot; in &quot;Babes R Us&quot; (S2E20).--&gt; (2 episodes)&lt;!--E1, E20--&gt;
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—Coach Buzzcut (sex-ed teacher)&lt;!--First seen in &quot;Baby Makes Uh, Three&quot; (S2E4) where he is referred to as Mr. Buzzcut.--&gt; (2 episodes)&lt;!--E4, E13--&gt;
*[[w:Sam Johnson and Chris Marcil|Sam Johnson]]—[[w:List of minor characters in Beavis and Butt-head#Mr. Herrera|Mr. Herrera]] (Spanish teacher)&lt;!--First seen in &quot;No Laughing&quot; (S2E13).--&gt; (1 episode)&lt;!--E13--&gt;
*Adam Welsh—Stewart Stevenson&lt;!--Although mentioned as early as &quot;Home Improvement&quot; (S2E9), Stewart does not make his first appearance until &quot;Stewart's House&quot; (S2E17).  His last name is not yet revealed.--&gt; (1 episode)&lt;!--E17--&gt;
*[[w:Tracy Grandstaff|Tracy Grandstaff]]—Mrs. Stevenson&lt;!--First seen in &quot;Stewart's House&quot; (S2E17) where she is revealed to be Stewart's mother.  Her name is not yet revealed.--&gt; (1 episode)&lt;!--E17--&gt;
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—David Van Driessen&lt;!--Full name is revealed to be David Van Driessen in his first appearance, &quot;Peace, Love and Understanding&quot; (pilot 2).  He is revealed to be a teacher in &quot;Door-To-Door&quot; (S1E2).--&gt; (1 episode)&lt;!--E18--&gt;
&lt;!--Mr. Sherman (history teacher) is first referenced in &quot;No Laughing&quot; (S2E13).--&gt;&lt;!--President Bill Clinton first appears in &quot;Home Improvement&quot; (S2E15).--&gt;&lt;!--Sergeant Dick Leakey appears in &quot;Be All You Can Be&quot; (S2E25)--&gt;

==See also==
*''[[Daria]]''
==External links==
*{{Official website|http://www.mtv.com/shows/beavis_and_butthead/}}
*{{IMDb title|0105950|Beavis and Butt-Head}}

&lt;div class=&quot;center&quot;&gt;[[Beavis and Butt-head (pilots)|Pilots]] • Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music videos]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience|Album]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]&lt;/div&gt;

[[Category:Beavis and Butt-head seasons]]</text>
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    <title>Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)</title>
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        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
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'''''[[Beavis and Butt-head]]''''' (1993–1997, 2011) was an [[United States of America|American]] animated [[television]] series that originally aired on the cable television channel [[w:MTV|MTV]].&amp;nbsp; It followed the misadventures of two teenagers, [[w:Beavis|Beavis]] and [[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]].&amp;nbsp; '''[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#Season 6 (1995–96)|Season six]]''' originally aired from 31 October 1995 to 7 March 1996.

{{center|
[[Beavis and Butt-head (pilots)|Pilots]] • Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music videos]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience|Album]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]
}}

==&quot;[[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)#&quot;Bungholio: Lord of the Harvest&quot; .5BHW.1.5D|Bungholio: Lord of the Harvest]]&quot; [HW.1]==
Note:&amp;nbsp; See [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)#&quot;Bungholio: Lord of the Harvest&quot; .5BHW.1.5D|''Beavis and Butt-head'' (specials)]] for quotes from this [[Hallowe'en]] special.
==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep144|The Mystery of Morning Wood]]&quot; [6.01]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep145|US History]]&quot; [6.02]==
:'''[[w:Daria Morgendorffer|Daria]]''':&amp;nbsp; And when this &quot;magic bullet&quot; went into the President's chest, it had to make a sharp turn in order to exit his body from the neck.&amp;nbsp; Then it would have had to turn right, then left, and somehow have enough energy to hit the Governor in the front seat.&amp;nbsp; Clearly, the assassination was a conspiracy.
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''':&amp;nbsp; Thank you, Daria.&amp;nbsp; That gave me the chills.&amp;nbsp; Folks, these have been some of the best oral reports I have ever heard!
:'''[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]''':&amp;nbsp; Huhuhuh…oral.
:'''[[w:Beavis|Beavis]]''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, heheh, I'm going to do an anal report.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Daria''':&amp;nbsp; You guys will ''never'' graduate.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh…never masturbate?
:'''Daria''':&amp;nbsp; ''Graduate''!&amp;nbsp; It's when you're all done with school.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; You mean, like, school ends?
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''':&amp;nbsp; That's right, Beavis.&amp;nbsp; When you finish high school, you'll never have to take another class if you don't want to.&amp;nbsp; But that's not going to happen if you don't give your oral report ''right now''.

:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; My report, is on the time, me and Butt-head had like, dinner and stuff.
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''':&amp;nbsp; Now, Beavis, what does that have to do with American hist—
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''angrily'']&amp;nbsp; Shut up, I'm not done yet!

:'''Mr. Van Driessen''':&amp;nbsp; Now, Butt-head, please make your report about a figure in American history.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh.&amp;nbsp; Okay.&amp;nbsp; Uhh, my report is, uhh, my report is about the time I kicked Beavis in the nads and he was, like, passed out all day.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep146|Feel a Cop]]&quot; [6.03]==
:[''Beavis and Butt-head walk up to a female police officer who is posing as a prostitute'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, baby…so, like, how much?
:'''Officer''':&amp;nbsp; Fifty.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Cool.&amp;nbsp; Beavis, do you have fifty cents?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Cops are listening in on Beavis and Butt-head from a van outside'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''on the radio'']&amp;nbsp; Wow Butt-head check out the size of that [[w:condom|rubber]].
:'''Cop''':&amp;nbsp; Come on make a spacific offer for sex.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''on the radio'']&amp;nbsp; That's a shower cap dumbass.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep147|Date Watchers]]&quot; [6.04]==
:[''Beavis and Butt-head are watching Mr. Van Driessen and his girlfriend through the window'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Grab his schlong!

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep148|Blood Pressure]]&quot; [6.05]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; I'll trade you for these diapers.&amp;nbsp; You can poop in them.

==&quot;[[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)#&quot;Beavis and Butt-head Do Christmas&quot; .5BCS.2.5D|Beavis and Butt-head Do Christmas&lt;!--It appears that this is the proper title; see http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/beavisandbutthead/images/2/24/Beavis_and_Butt-head_Do_Christmas.png/revision/latest?cb=20111228022431 --&gt;]]&quot; [CS.2]==
Note:&amp;nbsp; This Christmas special contained two parts, &quot;Huh-Huh-Humbug&quot; [CS.2.A] and &quot;It's a Miserable Life&quot; [CS.2.B].&amp;nbsp; See [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)#&quot;A Beavis and Butt-head Christmas&quot; (also known as &quot;Beavis and Butt-head Do Christmas&quot;) .5BCS.2.5D|''Beavis and Butt-head'' (specials)]] for quotes from this [[Christmas]] special.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep149|Babysitting]]&quot; [6.06]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; You're not suppose to touch him, Beavis.&amp;nbsp; It's, like, against the law or something…

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep150|Vidiots]]&quot; [6.07]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep151|Stewart Is Missing]]&quot; [6.08]==
:'''Stewart's Mom''':&amp;nbsp; It's not like Stewart to miss lunch!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; I bet.&amp;nbsp;  He's fat.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Maybe he has diarrhea.
:'''Stewart's Mom''':&amp;nbsp; [''crying'']&amp;nbsp; He does NOT have diarrhea.&amp;nbsp; I'm his mother, I would know if he had diarrhea.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Have you looked in the garbage can?
:'''Stewart's Mom''':&amp;nbsp; [''crying'']&amp;nbsp; Oh no, you…
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Beavis, you dumbass, why'd you tell her that?&amp;nbsp; … Stewart doesn't fit in a garbage can, dumbass, remember?&amp;nbsp; If you wanted to put Stewart in a garbage can, you'd have to like, cut him up into little pieces.&amp;nbsp;  

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Stewart's Mom''':&amp;nbsp; My poor Stewart!&amp;nbsp; What could have happened to him?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; um…Maybe somebody killed him and burried him in a shallow grave.&amp;nbsp; [''Stewart's mom sobs louder'']&amp;nbsp; Um…what's the matter?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Stewart's Mom''': Stewart! My little Stewart!
:'''Butt-head''': You have a ''little'' Stewart, too?

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep152|Gang of Two]]&quot; [6.09]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep153|Sprout]]&quot; [6.10]==
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''':&amp;nbsp; Now, Beavis and Butt-head, if you could grow any type of food, what would you grow?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Heh heh.&amp;nbsp; Um…nachos.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Nachos aren't a plant, dumbass.&amp;nbsp; They, like, make 'em from stuff.
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''':&amp;nbsp; That's right, Butt-head.&amp;nbsp; And corn is an excellent choice.&amp;nbsp; Or, as the Native Americans call it, &quot;maize&quot;.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; No, no, no.&amp;nbsp; We want to grow nachos.
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''':&amp;nbsp; In a few months, Beavis, when the corn grows, you'll be able to make your own nachos.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, but we can go to Maxi-Mart and get some right now.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, but this is school.&amp;nbsp; They have to do everything ass-backwards.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep154|Prank Call]]&quot; [6.11]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''reading the phone book'']&amp;nbsp; Uhm…Sa-Sachz…Ha…rry…Hairy Sack.&amp;nbsp; [''laughs'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Harry Sack!&amp;nbsp; [''laughs'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Harry''':&amp;nbsp; [''answering his phone'']&amp;nbsp; Um…hello…?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Uh…uh…you suck!&amp;nbsp; [''toilet flushes'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Harry''':&amp;nbsp; [''answering the phone'']&amp;nbsp; Yeah?
:[''Butt-head manages to do number two whilst on the phone; toilet flushes'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''in the background'']&amp;nbsp; It's Harry Sachz!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the boys have just prank called Harry Sachz, and Harry calls them back']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, hello?
:'''Harry Sachz''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, congratulations.&amp;nbsp; You just won yourself a free pizza.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Cool!
:'''Harry Sachz''':&amp;nbsp; We'll be happy to deliver it right over to your house.&amp;nbsp; What's your address?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh…
:'''Harry Sachz''':&amp;nbsp; You don't know your own address?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh…
:'''Harry Sachz''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, tell you what.&amp;nbsp; Do you have any mail around?&amp;nbsp; Read me the address off of that.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, do we have any, like, mail around?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, let's see.&amp;nbsp; Just that stuff we took out of Stewart's mailbox.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''into phone'']&amp;nbsp; Uh, okay.
:'''Harry Sachz''':&amp;nbsp; Good.&amp;nbsp; Now, what does it say?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, Stewart Stevenson, uh, 67 Maple Street.&amp;nbsp; Now hurry up and get that pizza over here.&amp;nbsp; I'm hungry.
:[''Butt-head hangs up, then Harry Sachz does and breaks his pencil while laughing'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Stewart is playing a video game in the living room, when his mother brings him cookies'']
:'''Mrs. Stevenson''':&amp;nbsp; Care for some cookies, Stewart?
:'''Stewart''':&amp;nbsp; All right!&amp;nbsp; Thanks, Mom.
:[''Harry Sachz busts down the front door and grunts'']
:'''Mrs. Stevenson''':&amp;nbsp; [''gasps'']
:'''Harry Sachz''':&amp;nbsp; You little worm.&amp;nbsp; Was it you?&amp;nbsp; Was it?
:'''Stewart''':&amp;nbsp; Ahh, ahh, I didn't do anything.&amp;nbsp; (screaming)
:'''Mr. Stevenson''':&amp;nbsp; Damn it, what's all the noise in here?&amp;nbsp; I'm on the phone-- Oh, my god.
:'''Harry Sachz''':&amp;nbsp; It was you, wasn't it?&amp;nbsp; I'll kill you!
:'''Mr. Stevenson''':&amp;nbsp; Damn it, operator—Ah, no!&amp;nbsp; Ahh!&amp;nbsp; Ow!
:[''Harry lunges at Mr. Stevenson and pulls him by the ankles'']
:'''Mr. Stevenson''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, this is between you and Stewart.&amp;nbsp; Get him!&amp;nbsp; Ahh!&amp;nbsp; Please!&amp;nbsp; [''Mr. Stevenson is given a bog-wash by Harry'']
:'''Harry Sachz''':&amp;nbsp; You like the way that sounds, funny man?
:'''Mr. Stevenson''':&amp;nbsp; No!&amp;nbsp; You must mean Stewart!&amp;nbsp; Aah!
:'''Harry Sachz''':&amp;nbsp; [''after giving a bog-wash to Mr. Stevenson'']&amp;nbsp; Listen very carefully, funny man!&amp;nbsp; If you ever, ever, call me again, I swear I'll find you, where ever you are, and I'll gut you!&amp;nbsp; [''undoes Mr. Stevenson's pants'']&amp;nbsp; And just to be sure you don't call me, I'm gonna stick your phone where you're gonna have an awful hard time dialing it!&amp;nbsp; 
:'''Mr. Stevenson''':&amp;nbsp; No, please, no… [''Sachz shoves phone up Mr. Stevenson's anus'']&amp;nbsp; Aaaaaaaaah!

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep155|No Service]]&quot; [6.12]==
:[''on the phone'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh, what?
:'''Manager''':&amp;nbsp; [''over the phone'']&amp;nbsp; This is your boss at Burger World.&amp;nbsp; We're having an extremely busy lunch, I need one of you to come down to Burger World
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh, I'm like, busy watching TV.
:'''Manager''':&amp;nbsp; Well, then, let me talk to the other one.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh, okay.&amp;nbsp; [''does a bad impression of Beavis'']&amp;nbsp; Uh huh huh huh.&amp;nbsp; Like, hi, this is Beavis, uh huh huh huh, yeah, huh huh huh.&amp;nbsp; I'll be right in, sir, yeah, huh huh huh huh.&amp;nbsp; You can always, like, count on me, sir, huh huh huh huh.&amp;nbsp; [''hangs up'']&amp;nbsp; Hey Beavis, that was that manager dude at Burger World.&amp;nbsp; He says you have to go to work right now.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; No way!&amp;nbsp; That sucks!&amp;nbsp; It sucks!&amp;nbsp; Hey, how come you don't have to go to work?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Because I'm, like, busy watching TV.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Oh yeah.&amp;nbsp; This sucks

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Customer''':&amp;nbsp; I want a bacon cheeseburger with extra mayo, a want a large chocolate shake, two orders of onion rings, an apple pie, and a diet cola.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; You said 'pie.' That's funny, right?

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep156|Yard Sale]]&quot; [6.13]==
:[''the pair arrive at Mr. Anderson's yard sale'']
:'''Mr. Anderson''':&amp;nbsp; I can get you a real good deal on that bushwhacker.
:[''Beavis and Butt-head start laughing'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Bush.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Whacker.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep157|P.T.A.]]&quot; [6.14]==
:[''the pair receive a letter that's supposed to be for their parents'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Maybe we can suggest that school sucks.&amp;nbsp; Sucks!&amp;nbsp; Sucks!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Or maybe we can suggest that we can get a teacher that's cool.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep158|Substitute]]&quot; [6.15]==
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''':&amp;nbsp; Okay, class.&amp;nbsp; I'm very disappointed with your test scores.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; We scored. 
Mr. Van Driessen' thats the thing butthead you didnt score you got a 0. Now i know you guys are smart enough so i guess the problem lies elsewear

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep159|Shopping List]]&quot; [6.16]==
:[''Mr. Anderson has just given the pair a shopping list'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Would you like some toilet paper?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''as [[w:The Great Cornholio|Cornholio]]'']&amp;nbsp; TP, for your bunghole!

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep160|Buy Beer]]&quot; [6.17]==
:[''Butt-head places six cans of non-alcoholic beer on the register stand'']
:'''Cashier''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, Can I help you?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah.&amp;nbsp; We're going to buy this beer and get drunk.
:'''Cashier''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah?&amp;nbsp; Well, you can't buy beer unless you're 21.&amp;nbsp; Lemme see some ID.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Oh.&amp;nbsp; Uh…well…uh…uh…uh…huh huh…we left our IDs in the truck.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah yeah.&amp;nbsp; Truck.
:[''cashier checks the contents of beverage which says &quot;Contains no alcohol&quot;'']
:'''Cashier''':&amp;nbsp; Oh, you guys are buying that pee-water.&amp;nbsp; I guess I can sell that crap to you.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; That's right.&amp;nbsp; You can sell it to us.&amp;nbsp; [''chuckles'']&amp;nbsp; We're old.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''after the boys fail a field soberioty test'']
:'''Officer''':&amp;nbsp; Yep, you boys are definitely intoxicated. I'm gonna have to confiscate your beverages and bring you downtown.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Oh yeah. We don't wanna forget the beer.
:'''Officer''':&amp;nbsp; [''reads on back of beer'']&amp;nbsp; Hey, wait a minute: this stuff's non-acoholic. You guys aren't drunk, you're just stupid.

==Cast==
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Beavis|Beavis]] 
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]
*Adam Welsh—Stewart Stevenson
*[[w:Tracy Grandstaff|Tracy Grandstaff]]—[[w:Daria Morgendorffer|Daria Morgendorffer]]&lt;!--Full name is revealed to be Daria Morgendorffer in &quot;Scientific Stuff&quot; (S2E1).--&gt;
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—Thomas T. &quot;Tom&quot; Anderson&lt;!--Full name depicted as Thomas T. Anderson on a credit card in the episode &quot;Good Credit&quot; (S2E2).--&gt;
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—David Van Driessen&lt;!--Full name is revealed to be David Van Driessen in his first appearance, &quot;Peace, Love and Understanding&quot; (pilot 2).--&gt;

==See also==
*''[[Daria]]''
==External links==
*{{Official website|http://www.mtv.com/shows/beavis_and_butthead/}}
*{{IMDb title|0105950|Beavis and Butt-Head}}

&lt;center&gt;[[Beavis and Butt-head (pilots)|Pilots]] • Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music videos]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience|Album]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]&lt;/center&gt;

[[Category:Beavis and Butt-head seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>nq9da3gy9rp8zcweuq3xwwy5l36sy2z</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>List of television shows (Q–Z)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>175548</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147943</id>
      <parentid>3141391</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T00:44:53Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2001:569:7696:1700:78:8F28:4A49:DC99</ip>
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      <comment>/* T */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="20598" xml:space="preserve">__NOTOC__

This is a '''list of television shows:'''

----
[[List of television shows (A–H)##|#]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#A|A]] -
[[List of television shows (A–H)#B|B]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#C|C]] -
[[List of television shows (A–H)#D|D]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#E|E]] -
[[List of television shows (A–H)#F|F]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#G|G]] -
[[List of television shows (A–H)#H|H]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#I|I]] -
[[List of television shows (I–P)#J|J]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#K|K]] -
[[List of television shows (I–P)#L|L]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#M|M]] -
[[List of television shows (I–P)#N|N]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#O|O]] -
[[List of television shows (I–P)#P|P]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#Q|Q]] -
[[List of television shows (Q–Z)#R|R]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#S|S]] -
[[List of television shows (Q–Z)#T|T]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#U|U]] -
[[List of television shows (Q–Z)#V|V]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#W|W]] -
[[List of television shows (Q–Z)#X|X]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#Y|Y]] -
[[List of television shows (Q–Z)#Z|Z]]

==Existing==
===Q===
* ''[[Quantico (TV series)]]''
* ''[[Quantum Leap]]''
* ''[[Queer Eye]]'' (aka ''Queer Eye for the Straight Guy'')
* ''[[Queer as Folk (UK TV series)|Queer as Folk]]'' (United Kingdom)
* ''[[Queer as Folk (US TV series)|Queer as Folk]]'' (United States)
* ''[[Queer Duck]]''
* ''[[Quigley's Village]]''
* ''[[QI]]''

===R===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[The Raccoons|Raccoons, The]]''
* ''[[RahXephon]]''
* ''[[Rainbow Brite]]''
* ''[[Raising Hope]]''
* ''[[Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares]]''
* ''[[Ranma 1/2]]''
* ''[[Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased)]]''
* ''[[Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure]]''
* ''[[Raven's Home]]''
* ''[[Raw Toonage]]''
* ''[[Reading Rainbow]]''
* ''[[Real Time with Bill Maher]]''
* ''[[Reba (TV series)|Reba]]''
* ''[[ReBoot]]''
* ''[[Reborn!]]''
* ''[[Recess (TV series)|Recess]]''
* ''[[Red Dwarf]]''
* ''[[The Red Green Show|Red Green Show, The]]''
* ''[[Red vs Blue]]''
* ''[[Regular Show]]''
* ''[[Related (TV series)|Related]]''
* ''[[Relativity]]''
* ''[[Remington Steele]]''
* ''[[Ren &amp; Stimpy &quot;Adult Party Cartoon&quot;]]''
* ''[[The Ren &amp; Stimpy Show|Ren &amp; Stimpy Show, The]]''
* ''[[Reno 911!]]''
* ''[[The Replacements (TV series)|Replacements, The]]''
* ''[[Rescue Me]]''
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[Restaurant Stakeout]]''
* ''[[Revolution (TV series)|Revolution]]''
* ''[[Revolutionary Girl Utena]]''
* ''[[Revenge (TV series)|Revenge]]''
* ''[[Rick and Morty]]''
* ''[[Ringer (TV series)|Ringer]]''
* ''[[Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]''
* ''[[Riverdale]]''
* ''[[Rizzoli &amp; Isles]]''
* ''[[Road Rovers]]''
* ''[[Robin Hood (2006 TV series)]]''
* ''[[Robot Chicken]]''
* ''[[Robotech]]''
* ''[[Robot Wars (TV series)|Robot Wars]]''
* ''[[Rock Profile]]''
* ''[[Rocket Power]]''
* ''[[The Rockford Files|Rockford Files, The]]''
* ''[[Rocko's Modern Life]]''
* ''[[Roger Ramjet]]''
* ''[[Rome (TV series)|Rome]]''
* ''[[Rookie Blue]]''
* ''[[Roseanne]]''
* ''[[Roswell (TV series)|Roswell]]''
* ''[[Rove (TV series)|Rove]]''
* ''[[The Royle Family|Royle Family, The]]''
* ''[[Rubbadubbers]]''
* ''[[Rubicon (TV series)|Rubicon]]''
* ''[[Ruby Gloom]]''
* ''[[Rugrats]]''
* ''[[Runaway (TV series)|Runaway]]''
* ''[[Rhoda}]]''
{{Col-end}}

===S===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-3}}
*''[[Sabrina, the Teenage Witch]]''
*''[[Sailor Moon]]''
*''[[Salem's Lot (1979 miniseries)|Salem's Lot]]'' (1979 miniseries)
*''[[Salute Your Shorts]]''
*''[[Sam &amp; Cat]]''
*''[[Samantha Who?]]''
*''[[Samurai Jack]]''
*''[[Samurai Pizza Cats]]''
*''[[Samuraï X]]''
*''[[Sanctuary (TV series)|Sanctuary]]''
*''[[Saturday Night Live]]''
*''[[Saved by the Bell]]''
*''[[Saved by the Bell: The College Years]]''
*''[[Scandal (TV series)|Scandal]]''
*''[[Scarecrow and Mrs. King]]''
*''[[Schitt's Creek]]''
*''[[Schoolhouse Rock!]]''
*''[[Scooby-Doo]]'' (includes ''Scooby-Doo, Where Are You!'', ''What's New, Scooby-Doo?'')
*''[[Scorpion (TV series)|Scorpion]]''
*''[[Scream Queens]]''
*''[[Scrubs (TV series)|Scrubs]]''
*''[[SCTV]]''
*''[[SeaChange]]''
*''[[Sealab 2021]]''
*''[[Sea Patrol]]''
*''[[Secret Diary of a Call Girl]]''
* [[The Secret Life of the American Teenager|''Secret Life of the American Teenager'', ''The'']]
* ''[[The Secret Saturdays|Secret Saturdays, The]]''
* [[The Secret World of Alex Mack|''Secret World of Alex Mack'', ''The'']]
*''[[Seinfeld]]''
*''[[Sesame Street]]''
*''[[Sex and the City]]''
*''[[Shake It Up]]''
*''[[Shaman King]]''
*''[[Shameless (U.S. TV series)|Shameless]]'' (U.S.)
* ''[[The Shannara Chronicles|Shannara Chronicles, The]]''
*''[[Shark (TV series)|Shark]]''
{{Col-3}}
*''[[Sharpe]]''
*''[[Sheep in the Big City]]''
*''[[Sherlock (TV series)|Sherlock]]''
*[[The Shield|''Shield'', ''The'']]
*''[[Shuffle!]]''
*[[The Simpsons|''Simpsons'', ''The'']]
*''[[Signing Time!]]''
*''[[Silver Spoons]]''
*''[[Silverwing (TV series)|Silverwing]]''
*''[[Six Feet Under]]''
*''[[Skins (TV series)|Skins]]''
*''[[Skeleton Warriors (TV series)|Skeleton Warriors]]''
*''[[Skunk Fu!|Skunk Fu!]]''
*''[[Sledge Hammer!]]''
*''[[Sleepy Hollow (TV series)|Sleepy Hollow]]''
*''[[Sliders]]''
*''[[Smallville]]''
*''[[Soap (TV series)|Soap]]''
*''[[Sonic Boom (TV series)|Sonic Boom]]''
*[[Sonic the Hedgehog (TV series)|''Sonic the Hedgehog'' (SatAM)]]
*''[[Sonic X]]''
*''[[Sonny With A Chance]]''
*''[[Sons of Anarchy]]''
*[[The Sopranos|''Sopranos'', ''The'']]
*''[[Soul Eater]]''
*''[[South Park]]''
*''[[Space: Above and Beyond]]''
*''[[Spaceballs: The Animated Series]]''
*''[[Spaced]]''
*''[[Spartacus: Blood and Sand]]''
*''[[Spartacus: Gods of the Arena]]''
*''[[Spartacus: Vengeance]]''
*''[[Special Unit 2]]''
*''[[Spin City]]''
*''[[SpongeBob SquarePants]]''
*''[[Spooks]]''
*''[[Sports Night]]''
*''[[Square One Television]]''
*''[[Squidbillies]]''
*''[[St. Elsewhere]]''
{{Col-3}}
*[[The Stand (miniseries)|''Stand'', ''The'']] (miniseries)
*''[[Star Trek]]''
*''[[Star Trek: Deep Space Nine]]''
*''[[Stargate Atlantis]]''
*''[[Stargate SG-1]]''
*''[[Stargate Universe]]''
*''[[Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008 TV series)|Star Wars: The Clone Wars]]'' (2008)
*''[[Static Shock]]''
*''[[Station Zero]]''
*''[[Stella]]''
*[[The Steve Harvey Show|''Steve Harvey Show'', ''The'']]
*''[[Steven Universe]]''
* ''[[Still Standing]]''
*''[[The Story of God with Morgan Freeman|Story of God with Morgan Freeman, The]]''
*''[[Strangers with Candy]]''
*''[[Stressed Eric]]''
*''[[Still Game]]''
*''[[Stingers]]''
*''[[Storm Hawks]]''
*''[[Stripperella]]''
*''[[Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip]]''
*''[[Sue Thomas: F.B.Eye]]''
*[[The Suite Life of Zack and Cody|''Suite Life of Zack and Cody'', ''The'']]
*[[The Suite Life on Deck|''Suite Life on Deck'', ''The'']]
*''[[Suits (TV series)]]''
* ''[[Summer Camp Island]]''
*''[[Summer Heights High]]''
*''[[Summerland]]''
*''[[Survivor (U.S. TV show)|Survivor]]'' (U.S.)
*''[[Superior Donuts]]''
*''[[Superman: The Animated Series]]'' (aka ''Superman'')
*''[[Super Mario Bros.|Super Mario World]]''
*''[[Supernatural (U.S. TV series)|Supernatural]]'' (U.S.)
* ''[[Super Powers]]
*''[[Super Robot Monkey Team Hyperforce Go!]]''
*''[[Super Why!]]''
*''[[Superjail!]]''
*''[[SWAT Kats: The Radical Squadron|SWAT Kats: The Radical Squadron]]'' (aka ''SWAT Kats'')
*[[The Sweeney|''Sweeney'', ''The'']]
{{Col-end}}

===T===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
*''[[Taken (TV series)|Taken]]''
*''[[Takin' Over the Asylum]]''
*''[[TaleSpin]]''
*''[[Taz-Mania]]''
*''[[Teachers (TV series)|Teachers]]''
*''[[Teen Titans]]''
*''[[Teen Wolf (2011 TV series)|Teen Wolf]]'' (2011)
*''Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles''
**[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1987 TV series)|(1987)]]
**[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series)|(2003)]]
**[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012 TV series)|(2012)]]
*''[[Tenacious D (TV series)|Tenacious D]]''
*''[[Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann]]''
*''[[Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles]]''
*''[[Texhnolyze]]''
*''[[Thank God You're Here (Australian TV show)|Thank God You're Here]]'' (Australia)
*''[[Thank God You're Here (British TV series)|Thank God You're Here]]'' (United Kingdom)
*''[[That '70s Show]]''
*''[[That's So Raven]]''
*''[[The Avengers: Earth's Mightiest heroes]]''
* ''[[The Cuphead Show]]''
*''[[The Facts of life]]''
*''[[The Sylvester &amp; Tweety Mysteries]]''
*''[[Thick Of It]]''
*''[[Think Fast]]''
*''[[Third Watch]]''
*''[[Thirteen Reasons Why]]''
*''[[Thomas &amp; Friends]]''
*''[[Three's Company]]''
*''[[Through the Wormhole]]''
*''[[Thunderbirds]]''
*[[The Tick|''Tick'', ''The'']] (1994, animated)
*[[The Tick (2001 TV series)|''Tick'', ''The'']] (2001, live-action)
*''[[Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!]]''
*''[[Timothy Goes to School]]''
*''[[Tiny Toon Adventures]]''
{{Col-2}}
*''[[Titus (TV series)|Titus]]''
*''[[The Tom and Jerry Show (2014 TV series)|Tom and Jerry Show, The]] (2014)''
*''[[Tom Goes to the Mayor]]''
*''[[Toopy and Binoo]]''
*''[[Top Cat]]''
*''[[Top Chef]]''
*''[[Top Gear]]''
*''[[Torchwood]]''
*''[[Total Drama]]''
*''[[Total Drama Presents: The Ridonculous Race]]''
*''[[Total DramaRama]]''
*''[[Totally Spies!]]''
*''[[Touch (TV series)|Touch]]''
*''[[Touched by an Angel]]''
*''[[Tour Of Duty]]''
*''[[To the Moon and Back with Sheyene Gerardi]]''
*''[[Trailer Park Boys]]''
*''[[Transformers Animated]]''
*''[[Transformers Prime]]''
*''[[Transformers: Robots in Disguise (2015 TV series)|Transformers: Robots in Disguise]]'' (2015)
*''[[The Tribe (TV series)|Tribe, The]]''
*''[[Trigun]]''
*''[[Tru Calling]]''
*''[[True Blood]]''
* ''[[True Detective]]''
*''[[Tsubasa RESERVoir CHRoNiCLE]]''
*''[[The Twilight Zone (1959 TV series)|Twilight Zone, The]]'' (1959 series)
*''[[The Twilight Zone (1985 TV series)|Twilight Zone, The]]'' (1985 series)
*''[[Twin Peaks]]''
*''[[Two and a Half Men]]''
*''[[The Two Ronnies|Two Ronnies, The]]''
*[[The Tudors|''Tudors'', ''The'']]
*''[[Tuca &amp; Bertie]]''
*''[[Trolls: The Beat Goes On!]]''
{{Col-end}}

===U===
* ''[[Ugly Americans]]''
* ''[[Ugly Betty]]''
* ''[[The Umbrella Academy|Umbrella Academy, The]]''
* ''[[Undeclared]]''
* ''[[Underdog (TV series)|Underdog]]''
* ''[[The Unit|Unit, The]]''
* ''[[United States of Tara]]''
* ''[[Upright Citizens Brigade]]''
* ''[[Urusei Yatsura]]''
* ''[[Utopia (UK TV series)]]''

===V===
* ''[[V (TV series)]]''
* ''[[The Vampire Diaries (TV series)|The Vampire Diaries]]''
* ''[[Veep]]''
* ''[[VeggieTales]]''
* ''[[The Venture Bros.|Venture Bros., The]]''
* ''[[Veronica Mars]]''
* ''[[A Very British Coup|Very British Coup, A]]''
* ''[[The Vicar of Dibley|Vicar of Dibley, The]]''
* ''[[Vicious]]''
* ''[[Victorious]]''
* ''[[Vikings (2013 TV series)|Vikings]]''
* ''[[The Virginian]]''
* ''[[Viva La Bam]]''
* ''[[Voltron: Defender of the Universe]]''
* ''[[Vikings]]''

===W===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[W.I.T.C.H. (TV series)]]''
* ''[[Wacky Races (1968 TV series)|Wacky Races]]'' (1968)
* ''[[The Walking Dead (TV series)|Walking Dead, The]]''
* ''[[Walking with Beasts]]''
* ''[[Walking with Dinosaurs]]''
* ''[[Walking with Monsters]]''
* ''[[The Waltons]]''
* ''[[WandaVision]]
* ''[[Wander Over Yonder]]''
* ''[[Wanted]]''
* ''[[War at Home]]''
* ''[[War of the Worlds (TV series)|War of the Worlds]]''
* ''[[Warehouse 13]]''
* ''[[Waterloo Road]]''
* ''[[WCW Monday Nitro]]''
* ''[[WCW Pay Per View Events]]''
* ''[[We Bare Bears]]''
* ''[[We Can Be Heroes]]''
* ''[[Weeds (TV series)|Weeds]]''
* ''[[The Weekenders|Weekenders, The]]''
* ''[[Welcome Back, Kotter]]''
* ''[[Welcome to the Wayne]]''
* ''[[Welcome to Flatch]]''
* ''[[The West Wing|West Wing, The]]''
* ''[[What I Like About You]]''
* ''[[What's Happening!!]]''
* ''[[Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego? (TV show)|Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?]]''
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[Where in Time Is Carmen Sandiego? (TV show)|Where in Time Is Carmen Sandiego?]]''
* ''[[White Collar]]''
* ''[[Whose Line Is It Anyway?]]'' (United States and United Kingdom)
* ''[[Wild, Wild West]]''
* ''[[Wildfire (TV series)|Wildfire]]''
* ''[[The Wild Thornberrys|Wild Thornberrys, The]]''
* ''[[Will &amp; Grace]]''
* ''[[Winx Club]]''
* ''[[The Wire|Wire, The]]''
* ''[[Wire in the Blood]]''
* ''[[Without a Trace]]''
* ''[[Wizards of Waverly Place]]''
* ''[[WKRP in Cincinnati]]''
* ''[[Women of the Movement]]''
* ''[[Wonder Showzen]]''
* ''[[The Wonder Years|Wonder Years, The]]''
* ''[[Wonderfalls]]''
* ''[[WordGirl]]''
* ''[[Workaholics]]''
* ''[[The World at War|World at War, The]]''
* ''[[WWE Championship Wrestling]]''
* ''[[WWE Raw]]''
* ''[[WWE SmackDown!]]''
* ''[[WWE Superstars of Wrestling]]''
{{Col-end}}

===X===
* ''[[The X-Files|X-Files, The]]''
* ''[[Xavier, Renegade Angel]]''
* ''[[Xena: Warrior Princess]]''
* ''[[X-Men (TV series)]]''
* ''[[X-Men: Evolution]]''
* ''[[xxx HOLiC]]''
* ''[[The X's]]''

===Y===
* ''[[Yes, Minister]]''
* ''[[Yes, Prime Minister]]''
* ''[[Yo soy Betty, la Fea]]''
* ''[[You Can't Do That on Television]]''
* ''[[Young Justice]]''
* ''[[Young Sheldon]]''
* ''[[The Young Ones|Young Ones, The]]''
* ''[[You're the Worst]]''
* ''[[Yu-Gi-Oh!]]''
* ''[[Yu-Gi-Oh GX]]''
* ''[[You]]''

===Z===
* ''[[Zoey 101]]''

==Requested==
===Q===
* ''[[Quantico]]''
* ''[[Quarterlife]]''
* ''[[A Question of Sport|Question of Sport, A]]''
* ''[[Quests for Camelot]]''
* ''[[Quincy M.E.]]''
* ''[[Quigley's Village]]''
* ''[[Qulo Chupado]]''

===R===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[Rab C. Nesbitt]]''
* ''[[Radio Free Roscoe]]''
* [[Rainbow Butterfly Unicorn Kitty]]
* [[Raising Dad]]
* [[Raising The Bar]]
* ''[[Raw Reality With Gail Kasper]]''
* ''[[The Real Adventures of Jonny Quest|Real Adventures of Jonny Quest, The]]''
* [[Real World]]
* [[Rebus]]
* ''[[Recovery]]''
* ''[[Redwall (TV series)|Redwall]]''
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[Ribert and Robert's Wonderworld]]''
* ''[[Ricky Zoom]]''
* ''[[Ridley Jones]]''
* ''[[Right Path]]''
* ''[[Right Side In Kansas]]''
* ''[[Rising Damp]]''
* [[Rob &amp; Big]]
* ''[[Rolie Polie Olie]]''
* ''[[Roundhouse]]''
* ''[[Round the Twist]]''
* [[Royal Pains]]
* [[Rules Of Engagement]]
* ''[[Rupert (TV series)|Rupert]]''
{{Col-end}}

===S===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[The Saddle Club|Saddle Club, The]]''
* [[Saint Seiya]]
* [[Sanford and Son]]
* [[Savages]]
* [[Say Yes, and Marry Me]]
* ''[[Scryed]]''
* ''[[seaQuest DSV]]''
* [[Seijuu Sentai Gingaman]]
* ''[[Sergeant Stripes (TV series)|Sergeant Stripes]]''
* ''[[Seth MacFarlane's Cavalcade of Cartoon Comedy]]''
* [[Shahs of Sunset]]
* [[Shelley Duvall's Faerie Tale Theatre]]
* [[Shinzo]]
* [[Shooting Stars]]
* [[The Show Biz Show with David Spade|Show Biz Show with David Spade, The]]
* [[Sifl and Olly]]
* [[Sister, Sister]]
* [[Skunk Boy]]
* ''[[Small Wonder]]''
* [[Smash]]
* [[Smash Lab]]
* [[Snowpiercer (TV Series)]]
* ''[[So Random!]]''
* ''[[Sonic Underground]]''
* [[Sooty (2001 TV series)|Sooty]] (2001)
* [[Sooty (2011 TV series)|Sooty]] (2011)
* [[Sooty &amp; Co.]]
* ''[[Sooty Heights]]''
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[The Sooty Show|Sooty Show, The]]''
* ''[[Sooty's Amazing Adventures]]''
* ''[[South of Nowhere]]''
* ''[[Space: 1999]]''
* [[Space Cases]]
* [[Space Ghost: Coast to Coast]]
* ''[[Spartacus: Vengeance]]''
* ''[[Spawn]]''
* [[Special Agent Oso]]
* [[The Spectacular Spider-Man|Spectacular Spider-Man, The]]
* ''[[Speed Racer (TV Series)|Speed Racer]]''
* [[Stanley (2001 TV series)|Stanley]]
* [[Star Vs. The Forces of Evil]]
* [[Splatalot]]
* [[SportsCenter]]
* ''[[Spyder Games]]''
* [[Stargirl]]
* [[Steam Detectives]]
* ''[[Steven C. Patti presents Super Robot Wars]]''
* [[Stoked]]
* [[Story of Tracy Beaker, The]]
* [[Street Fury]]
* [[Street Hawk]]
* [[Street Sharks]]
* [[Street Sounds Music Video Show]]
* [[Suburgatory]]
* ''[[The Suite Life on Land|Suite Life on Land, The]]''
* ''[[Supah Ninjas]]''
* ''[[Supergirl]]''
* [[Superman &amp; Lois]]
* [[Surface]]
*[[Sweet Magnolias]]*
* [[Switched At Birth]]
* ''[[Sword Art Online]]''
* [[Super Dragon Ball Heroes]]
{{Col-end}}

===T===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[Taggart]]''
* ''[[Talkshow with Spike Feresten]]''
* [[TechTV Vault]]
* ''[[Teen Titans Go! (TV series)|Teen Titans Go!]]''
* [[Teen, Win, Lose, or Draw]]
* [[Tenchi Muyo! Ryo-Ohki]]
* [[Tenchi in Tokyo]]
* ''[[Tenchi Universe]]''
* ''[[That Girl]]''
* ''[[The 7D]]''
* ''[[The Flash (2014)]]''
* ''[[The Fosters]]''
* ''[[The Undersea World of Fifi]]''
* ''[[Thomas &amp; Friends: All Engines Go]]''
* ''[[Threshold]]''
* ''[[Thundercats]]''
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[Time Trumpet]]''
* ''[[Time Warp Trio]]''
* ''[[Timon &amp; Pumbaa (TV series)|Timon &amp; Pumbaa]]''
* [[Tin Man]]
* [[The Tom and Jerry Comedy Show]]
* [[Tom &amp; Jerry Kids]]
*[[The Tom and Jerry Show (1975 TV series)|Tom and Jerry Show, The]] (1975)
* [[Tom and Jerry Tales]]
* ''[[Top Gear US]]''
* ''[[TOUCH]]''
* [[Total Wipeout]]
* [[Totally Spies]]
* [[Trinity Blood]]
* [[Tron: Uprising]]
* ''[[Trollz]]''
* [[T.U.F.F. Puppy]]
* [[Turbo Charged Thunderbirds]]
* [[Twenty Good Years]]
* [[Two of a Kind]]
* ''[[Tyler Perry's House of Payne]]''
{{Col-end}}

===U===
* [[Undercover Boss]]
* [[Unforgettable]]
* [[Unikitty!]]
* [[Unsolved Mysteries]]
* [[Untold Stories of the E.R.]]
* [[Utaban]]

===V===
* [[VeggieTales in the House]]
* [[Vice Principals]]
* [[Vikings]]
* [[Viva S Club]]
* [[VR Troopers]]
* ''[[Victoria (ITV)]]''
* ''[[Victor and Valentino]]''
*[[Voltron:Legendary Defender]]

===W===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
*''[[Wagaya no Oinari-sama]]''
*''[[Walker, Texas Ranger]]''
*''[[Wally Gator]]''
*''[[Wangan Midnight]]''
*''[[The Wallflower]]''
*''[[Waynehead]]''
*''[[Wayside (TV series)|Wayside]]''
*''[[The Weakest Link]]''
*''[[Wee 3]]''
*''[[What About Brian]]''
*''[[What About Mimi?]]''
*''[[What's My Line?]]''
*''[[When Calls The Heart]]''
*''[[Whisker Haven]]''
*''[[Whitest Kids U'Know]]''
{{Col-2}}
*''[[Who's the Boss]]''
*''[[Who Pays the Ferryman]]''
*''[[Who Wants to be a Millionaire?]]''
*''[[Why Women Kill]]''
*''[[Wide-Eye]]''
*''[[Wild N Out]]''
*''[[Wild Kratts]]''
*''[[Wilfred]]''
*''[[Will and Dewitt]]''
*''[[Willa's Wild Life]]''
*''[[Wings]]''
*''[[Wipeout]]'' (2008 game show)
*''[[Wimzie's House]]''
*''[[Women's Murder Club]]''
*''[[Wonder Pets!]]''
*''[[Would You Believe? (TV series)|Would You Believe?]]''
*''[[Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!]]''
*''[[Wunschpunsch]]''
{{Col-end}}

===X===
*''[[X-Play]]''
*''[[Xavier Riddle and the Secret Museum]]''
*''[[Xiaolin Chronicles]]''
*''[[XIII: The Series]]''
*''[[Xuxa]]''

===Y===
* ''[[Yellowstone]]''
* ''[[You and Me, Kid]]''
* ''[[Yu-Gi-Oh Arc V]]''

===Z===
* ''[[Zack &amp; Quack]]''
* ''[[Zak Tales]]''
* ''[[ZEGAPAIN]]''
* ''[[Zeke and Luther]]''
* ''[[Zerby Derby]]''
* ''[[The ZhuZhus]]''
* ''[[Zoboomafoo]]''
* ''[[Zoids Chaotic Century]]''
* ''[[Zombie Loan]]''
* ''[[Zou (TV series)|Zou]]''
* ''[[Zula Patrol]]''
* ''[[Zyu2]]''

==Notes==
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==See also==
{{media lists}}
*[[Advertising slogans]]
* [[List of television shows (A–H)]]
* [[List of television shows (I–P)]]

==External links==
*[http://www.imdb.com/ IMDb: The Internet Movie Database]
*[http://dmoz.org/Arts/Television/ Open Directory Project: Arts&gt; Television]
*[http://www.tv.com/ TV.com]
*[http://tv.yahoo.com/ Yahoo! TV]
*[http://www.on-this-day.com/cgi-bin/otd/tvotd/tvotd.pl/ Today in TV History]

[[Category:Lists|television shows]]
[[Category:Television shows|*]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)</title>
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'''''[[Beavis and Butt-head]]''''' (1993–1997, 2011) was an [[United States of America|American]] animated [[television]] series that originally aired on the cable television channel [[w:MTV|MTV]].&amp;nbsp; It followed the misadventures of two teenagers, [[w:Beavis|Beavis]] and [[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]].&amp;nbsp; '''[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#Season three (1993)|Season three]]''' originally aired from 6 September 1993 to 5 March 1994.

{{center|
[[Beavis and Butt-head (pilots)|Pilots]] • Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music videos]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience|Album]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]
}}

==&quot;[[w:Comedians (Beavis and Butt-head)|Comedians]]&quot; [3.01]==
:'''[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]''':&amp;nbsp; Uh…Hey Beavis.&amp;nbsp; I got an idea.
:'''[[w:Beavis|Beavis]]''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, me too!&amp;nbsp; Let's go over to Stewart's house and burn something.&amp;nbsp; [''holds up a lighter'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; No, dumbass.&amp;nbsp; Let's become one of those 'stand-up chameleons' and get a bunch of money.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Here's another one.&amp;nbsp; How do you keep a moron in suspense?&amp;nbsp; [''long pause, Beavis stares intently'']&amp;nbsp; …Uh…I dunno.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Member of audience''':&amp;nbsp; You suck, get off!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, is that what she said?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; You ever wonder why so much stuff sucks?&amp;nbsp; Sometimes I look at one of these little straws, and I go, &quot;This sucks.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Huh huh, this is cool.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; One thing about gym class…it sucks.&amp;nbsp; Okay, now I'm gonna like…juggle.&amp;nbsp; 
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Go for it, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; This is gonna be cool.&amp;nbsp; [''holds up a newspaper and lights it on fire'']&amp;nbsp; Fire!&amp;nbsp; Fire!

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep33|Carwash]]&quot; [3.02]==
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; ''Cool''.&amp;nbsp; The battery's leaking acid.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; That's ''not'' cool, dude.&amp;nbsp; A new battery will cost two bucks at least.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Whoa.&amp;nbsp; Maybe we should, uh…&quot;dry it off&quot; now.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; No way.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; I mean dry it off by ''driving'' it.&amp;nbsp; The keys are in the [[car]], dude.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''feigning injury'']&amp;nbsp; Ah!&amp;nbsp; My [[liver]]!&amp;nbsp; My liver!

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep34|Couch-Fishing]]&quot; [3.03]==
:'''Policeman''':&amp;nbsp; Oh no, not another elderly woman flying down the street.&amp;nbsp; They never learn.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Old woman''':&amp;nbsp; What happened to my spectacles?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, your testicles?

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep35|Incognito]]&quot; [3.04]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''fake accent'']&amp;nbsp; I'm Bunghead and he's Crevasse.&amp;nbsp; Huh huh.&amp;nbsp; We are foreign extra-strange students.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''fake accent'']&amp;nbsp; He was aiming at us.&amp;nbsp; Huh huh.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''fake accent'']&amp;nbsp; He didn't fire.&amp;nbsp; Fire, fire, fire!&amp;nbsp; Heh heh heh.&amp;nbsp; Fire!&amp;nbsp; Huh heh heh.&amp;nbsp; Yeah.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep36|Kidnapped]]&quot; [3.05, 3.06]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep38|Naked Colony]]&quot; [3.07]==
:'''Store clerk''':&amp;nbsp; Are you two gonna buy something or are you gonna stare all day?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, we're gonna stare all day.&amp;nbsp;  

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''reading an advertisement in a magazine'']&amp;nbsp; Uh Sunny Grove Nudist colo…cola…naked people.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep39|Tornado]]&quot; [3.08]==
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Tornadoes are cool!&amp;nbsp; They can drive matches through a 2x4!

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep40|Cleaning House]]&quot; [3.09]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep41|Scratch 'n' Win]]&quot; [3.10]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep42|Scared Straight]]&quot; [3.11]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Prison rules.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep43|Eating Contest]]&quot; [3.12]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; They're gonna lose.

:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Where's the bratwurst?

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep44|Sporting Goods]]&quot; [3.13]==
:'''Coach Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; [''Reading Beavis and Butt-head's self written note'']&amp;nbsp; &quot;Please excuse Beavis and Butt-head from wearing althetic sip-otters.&amp;nbsp; They were unable to buy them because of a national sip-otter shortage.&quot;&amp;nbsp; Hell, that's funny, boys.&amp;nbsp; [''shows Beavis and Butt-head a front page with themselves wearing an eye patch as Athletic Guard'']&amp;nbsp; Accortding to the school press, you had no problem at all locating the necessary equipment.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Beavis and Butt-head are dueling grasshoppers'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Your's is a wuss.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Shut up Beavis.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep45|Sperm Bank]]&quot; [3.14]==
:'''Nurse''':&amp;nbsp; Well, gentlemen, go to work.&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis unzips his pants'']&amp;nbsp; …On your tests.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; …Oh.&amp;nbsp; [''zips back up'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Nurse''':&amp;nbsp; Where's your container?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; I was supposed to use a container?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Mr. and Mrs. Stevenson and the sperm doctor are shocked to find the boys goofing off juggling the jars'']
:'''Doctor''':&amp;nbsp; You kids are going to pay for those.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; No problem dude, you want cash or should we go spank the monkey again.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah.
:'''Mr. Stevenson''':&amp;nbsp; What the hell!?&amp;nbsp; These are the boy geniuses you're talking about!?&amp;nbsp; What's so funny you little twerps!?&amp;nbsp; I'll spank ''your'' monkeys!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; He's fallen and he can't &quot;get it up.&quot;

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep46|Buff 'n' Stuff]]&quot; [3.15]==
:'''Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; You are what you eat!&amp;nbsp; You got three food groups, and they sure as hell ain't fries, Chips Ahoy, and Milk Duds!&amp;nbsp; And you all wonder why your faces look like topographic maps of the Himalayas!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; Are you a man?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhhh, yeah.
:'''Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; What makes you think so?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhhh, I got testicles.&amp;nbsp;  
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Heh, heh.&amp;nbsp; Yeah.&amp;nbsp; [''suddenly drops barbell on his throat, choking himself'']
:'''Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; You clowns think you're so damn funny!&amp;nbsp; You say you're a man?&amp;nbsp; Prove it!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhhh… [''Butt-head flexes his arm, which falls limp'']
:'''Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; You want to see a man, boy?&amp;nbsp; I'll show you a man!&amp;nbsp; ''Kick me in the jimmy!!''
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Huh, huh.&amp;nbsp; No way!
:'''Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; I said ''do it!''
:[''Butt-head kicks him in the nuts; Buzzcut strains'']
:'''Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; Yyyyeesss!&amp;nbsp; Do it again!&amp;nbsp; Do it ''hard!''
:[''Butt-head kicks him again; Buzzcut strains'']
:'''Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; Yyyyeessss!!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Whoa, that was cool.&amp;nbsp; 

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep47|Citizen Butt-head]]&quot; [3.16, 3.17]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep49|Politically Correct]]&quot; [3.18]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep50|Ball Breakers]]&quot; [3.19]==
Dude, you should start wearing a cup.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep51|Beavis and Butt-head Meet God]]&quot; [3.20, 3.21]==

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep53|True Crime]]&quot; [3.22]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Huh huh huh.&amp;nbsp; Maybe we should go buy something.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah.&amp;nbsp; Heh heh heh.&amp;nbsp; Like what?&amp;nbsp; Heh heh heh.
:'''TV announcer''':&amp;nbsp; Good evening and welcome to America's Most Hated.&amp;nbsp; What you're about to see is a crime so heinous, so replusive, so actual, it may shake your very faith in human nature.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep54|The Trial]]&quot; [3.23]==
:'''Judge''':&amp;nbsp; You don't want me to appoint you an attorney, a lawyer who can take your case?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; I can handle it, dude.&amp;nbsp; I've like, seen ''[[w:The People's Court|The People's Court]]''.
:'''Judge''':&amp;nbsp; You'll need someone who knows the laws, who's familiar with the penal system and—
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''laughing with Butt-head'']&amp;nbsp; She said penal.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep55|The Crush]]&quot; [3.24]==
:[''Beavis and Butt-head are eating nachos outside Maxi-mart, when Todd parks his car, running over their trikes'']
:'''Todd''':&amp;nbsp; Where's the pre-schoolers at who parked their sucky little trikes in my spot?
:[''the pair raise their hands; Todd holds Butt-head against the window whilst putting his foot on top of Beavis's throat'']
:'''Todd''':&amp;nbsp; If my arm weren't so sore from my new tattoo, I'd smear both your asses all over the parking lot.&amp;nbsp; 
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Whoa, heh heh, cool.
:'''Todd''':&amp;nbsp; Give me those nachos and those fruity whips and I might not shove these handle bars up your butt.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Err, Okay.&amp;nbsp; [''Todd consumes the nachos and drink before driving off'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Todd''':&amp;nbsp; [''Whilst suffocating Butt-head'']&amp;nbsp; What do you fuzz-nuts want?

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep56|Plate Frisbee]]&quot; [3.25]==
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''on the phone with the Home Shoping network'']&amp;nbsp; Yeah, I'd like to order one of those pubic zercroniums.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep57|Canoe]]&quot; [3.26]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Told ya, dude.&amp;nbsp; Huh huh.&amp;nbsp; He wants you.&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis's face turns red and Beavis whacks Butt-head's face with an oar; a fight ensues until both boys fall off canoe'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''':&amp;nbsp; Okay, Stew, let's pitch a tent.&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis and Butt-head laugh'']&amp;nbsp; Grab this pole, Stewart.&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis and Butt-head laugh'']&amp;nbsp; Stick it in the hole, Stewart.&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis and Butt-head laugh'']&amp;nbsp; Okay, boys, let's erect this thing.&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis and Butt-head laugh when they emerge from the bushes in their underwear, and then they begin to itch from the poison ivy'']

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep58|Young, Gifted, &amp; Crude]]&quot; [3.27]==
:[''being told about a character from a Swords and Sorcery game'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, Beavis…I got a &quot;charmed long staff.&quot;&amp;nbsp; [''turns around, then turns back with dice up his nose'']

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep59|Foreign Exchange]]&quot; [3.28]==
==&quot;[[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)#&quot;A Very Special Christmas With Beavis and Butt-head&quot; .5BCS.1.5D|A Very Special Christmas With Beavis and Butt-head]]&quot; [CS.1]==
Note:&amp;nbsp; See [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)#&quot;A Very Special Christmas With Beavis and Butt-head&quot; .5BCS.1.5D|''Beavis and Butt-head'' (specials)]] for quotes from this [[Christmas]] special.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep60|Closing Time]]&quot; [3.29]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; One family pack of chicken nuggets.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; One large cola.
:[''tosses both at the ceiling fan, splattering it'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Would you like fries with that?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, yeah I will.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep61|Most Wanted]]&quot; [3.30]==
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Butt tattoos kick ass!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; And ass tattoos kick butt.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Voices are cool.&amp;nbsp; I hear voices too.&amp;nbsp; They tell me to do stuff like stay home from school, and watch TV, and, like, break stuff, and like…
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Whoa.&amp;nbsp; Preach on, brother Beavis.

==Cast==
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Beavis|Beavis]] 
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—Coach Buzzcut
*Rottilio Michieli—Todd Ianuzzi

==External links==
*{{Official website|http://www.mtv.com/shows/beavis_and_butthead/}}
*{{IMDb title|0105950|Beavis and Butt-Head}}

&lt;center&gt;[[Beavis and Butt-head (pilots)|Pilots]] • Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music videos]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience|Album]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]&lt;/center&gt;

[[Category:Beavis and Butt-head seasons]]</text>
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    <title>Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)</title>
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    <id>175550</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147602</id>
      <parentid>2865502</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T18:11:13Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* External links */ r/m Template:Tv.com show</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="46707" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[Beavis and Butt-head]]''''' (1993–1997, 2011) was an [[United States of America|American]] animated [[television]] series that originally aired on the cable television channel [[w:MTV|MTV]].&amp;nbsp; It followed the misadventures of two teenagers, [[w:Beavis|Beavis]] and [[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]].&amp;nbsp; '''[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#Season 4 (1994)|Season four]]''' originally aired from 14 March 1994 to 15 July 1994.

{{center|
[[Beavis and Butt-head (pilots)|Pilots]] • Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music videos]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience|Album]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]
}}

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep62|Wall of Youth]]&quot; [4.01]==
:'''Student''':&amp;nbsp; [&lt;i&gt;while discussing &lt;/i&gt;[[Jurassic Park (film)|Jurassic Park]]&lt;i&gt;&lt;/i&gt;] …and then he attacked the dude in his own car.
:'''[[w:Beavis|Beavis]]''':&amp;nbsp; The dinosaur had a car?
:'''[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]''':&amp;nbsp; How else you think he's got there, dumbass?&amp;nbsp; On a bike?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Shut up, Butt-head!&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis and Butt-head begin slapping each other'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[&lt;i&gt;crowd gasps as the wall was unveiled to be spraypainted with crude band names including &quot;[[Slayer|SLAYER]]&quot;, &quot;[[Ozzy Osbourne|OZZY]]&quot;, &lt;/i&gt;etc.&lt;i&gt;&lt;/i&gt;]
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; It's a tribute to the people who died in the [[Vietnam War]].
:'''Man in crowd''':&amp;nbsp; [''outraged'']&amp;nbsp; My uncle was killed in the war!

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep63|Cow Tipping]]&quot; [4.02]==
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Getting kicked in the nads by a cow sucks!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, That's not a real cow, dude.&amp;nbsp; That's like a deer.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; How did you know?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''after mistaking a horse for a cow, they learn to identify cows by &quot;those fingers next to their butt that you squeeze to get like, milk and stuff&quot;'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Heh heh, hey Butt-head, squeeze my finger.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Which one, Beavis?&amp;nbsp; The finger by your butt?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Heh, yeah!&amp;nbsp; Pull that one.&amp;nbsp; 
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''sings'']&amp;nbsp; Old MacDonald had a farm, E…uhh, I?&amp;nbsp; Z?&amp;nbsp; Is there, like, a Q in there?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, heh heh, [''sings''] E-I-Q…uhh, Z…M.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Hey Beavis.&amp;nbsp; I heard if you tip a cow over while it's sleeping, cool stuff happens.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Really?&amp;nbsp; Like what?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh…it falls over?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Cool!&amp;nbsp; We're there, dude!

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep64|Trouble Urinating]]&quot; [4.03]==
:'''Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; [''teaching Beavis and Butt-head how to urinate after they forget how'']&amp;nbsp; Okay, boys!&amp;nbsp; I'm gonna make this easy!&amp;nbsp; On the count of one, unzip your pants!&amp;nbsp; And one, unzip your pants!&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis and Butt-head laugh'']&amp;nbsp; On the count of two, take out your penises!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Two's my favorite, heh heh.
:'''Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; And two!&amp;nbsp; On the count of three, start leaking!&amp;nbsp; Three, let's go!&amp;nbsp; Leak!&amp;nbsp; Leak!&amp;nbsp; Leak!&amp;nbsp; Leak!&amp;nbsp; Leak!&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis and Butt-head obviously don't urinate'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Huh huh huh.
:'''Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; Okay, you wussies.&amp;nbsp; You're gonna stand right there until you can get it right.&amp;nbsp; And don't come out until you're done.&amp;nbsp; [''leaves; Beavis and Butt-head continue to laugh'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Beavis and Butt-head are in a female doctor's office, who is trying to &quot;teach&quot; them how to urinate again while playing music'']
:'''Doctor''':&amp;nbsp; Now, just relax.&amp;nbsp; Clear your mind of any thoughts.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; What is that?&amp;nbsp; Huh huh huh.
:'''Doctor''':&amp;nbsp; Close your eyes, and imagine you're floating on a river.&amp;nbsp; Let the water take you wherever it wants to.&amp;nbsp; Just ''relax'' and go with the flow.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Hey Butt-head.&amp;nbsp; I can feel it.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah.&amp;nbsp; Huh huh.&amp;nbsp; Me too.
:[''dripping sound; Beavis and Butt-head are wetting their pants'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Huh huh huh.&amp;nbsp; And the water's warm.&amp;nbsp; Huh huh huh.&amp;nbsp; Huh huh huh.
:[''dripping sound continues; doctor looks up from her notes, notices and drops her notes'']
:'''Doctor''':&amp;nbsp; Okay, not here.&amp;nbsp; Stop-stop-stop it!&amp;nbsp; Stop urinating!&amp;nbsp; Stop urinating!!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; I forgot how to stop.&amp;nbsp; [''a line of wetness moves up his shirt'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, heh heh.&amp;nbsp; Just relax.&amp;nbsp; Go with the flow.
:'''Doctor''':&amp;nbsp; St-stop it!&amp;nbsp; Stop it!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Huh huh.&amp;nbsp; Urinating's cool.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Hey Butt-head.&amp;nbsp; Do dogs urinate?&amp;nbsp; Heh heh heh.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Beavis, you dillweed.&amp;nbsp; Of course they urinate.&amp;nbsp; Why do you think they lift their leg?&amp;nbsp; Huh huh huh.
:[''Beavis and Butt-head proceed to lift one of leg each and urinate on a bush; a dog comes over does likewise'']

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep65|Rabies Scare]]&quot; [4.04]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Whoa, check it out.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Heh, yeah.&amp;nbsp; Stupid dog.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, I heard if you like, don't act scared, they won't attack you.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Heh, how do you do that?&amp;nbsp; 
:[''dog leaps, bites Beavis's leg'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''talking to some other kids, referring to the dog bite'']&amp;nbsp; Huh huh, you wanna touch his bone?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, heh, touch it.&amp;nbsp; 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kid''':&amp;nbsp; Decent!&amp;nbsp; Is it contagious?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; No.&amp;nbsp; I disinsected it.&amp;nbsp; [''pours a sports drink onto wound'']&amp;nbsp; Sports drinks have nutrients.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; Listen up, morons.&amp;nbsp; Some short-sighted federal appeals judge says I can't use this on you.&amp;nbsp; [''pats baton'']&amp;nbsp; But remember this:&amp;nbsp; In this classroomm, I am the judge, the jury, and the jailer!&amp;nbsp; 
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''to Beavis'']&amp;nbsp; Does it hurt when I do this?&amp;nbsp; [''pokes the bite with the pointy end of a compass'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Oow!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Huh, that was cool.
:'''Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; Do you gentlemen have a problem?&amp;nbsp; Do you wish to enlighten the class as to what is festering on your leg, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Heh, dog bite.
:'''Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; Well.&amp;nbsp; I thought you looked rabid, boy.&amp;nbsp; Now listen close.&amp;nbsp; Get the hell out of my classroom before you  infect anyone else with your sickness!&amp;nbsp; You stink of death!&amp;nbsp; Butt-head!&amp;nbsp; This man requires immediate medical attention!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; …uh…
:'''Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; ''Hospital'', Butt-head!&amp;nbsp; On the double!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Yesss!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hospital Receptionist''':&amp;nbsp; Can I help you?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, he's got, like, rabies or something.&amp;nbsp; 
:'''Hospital Receptionist''':&amp;nbsp; I see.&amp;nbsp; What's your name?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, last name is 'Munch'.&amp;nbsp; First name is 'Rodney'.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, heh heh, yeah.&amp;nbsp; Rod Munch.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Doctor''':&amp;nbsp; So Rod, I understand you got bit by a dog.&amp;nbsp; Well, don't be scared, cause look: a dog bit my thumb off once too, Rod.&amp;nbsp; [''does trick that makes it look like he's taking his thumb off'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh huh huh.&amp;nbsp; You're stupid.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Heh, yeah.
:'''Doctor''':&amp;nbsp; Now Rod, I don't suppose you brought the animal with you?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, no.&amp;nbsp; He wasn't like, very friendly.&amp;nbsp; 
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, heh, he doesn't like me.
:'''Doctor''':&amp;nbsp; Well, we'll have to find him anyway.&amp;nbsp; In a suspected case of rabies, the animal has to be destroyed, of course.&amp;nbsp; And to check for presence of the disease, he cut off the head and dissect the brain.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Woah.&amp;nbsp; That's cool.
:'''Doctor''':&amp;nbsp; Actually, yes.&amp;nbsp; It is kind of cool.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, yeah, yeah!&amp;nbsp; Come on, Butt-head, let's go find that dog.&amp;nbsp; 
:'''Doctor''':&amp;nbsp; Not so fast, Rod.&amp;nbsp; Let's talk about your symptoms first.&amp;nbsp; Any dizziness?&amp;nbsp; Nausea?&amp;nbsp; Fever?&amp;nbsp; Any convulsions?&amp;nbsp; 
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah.&amp;nbsp; Heh, uh, no more than usual though.
:'''Doctor''':&amp;nbsp; Hmm, so far nothing checks out.&amp;nbsp; Maybe you were lucky.&amp;nbsp; 
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, you mean like, no decrapitation?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; I've got it, I've got rabies!&amp;nbsp; 
:'''Doctor''':&amp;nbsp; …okay.&amp;nbsp; I'll call the police and let them know about the dog.&amp;nbsp; But first, we better start treatment.&amp;nbsp; 
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Does he have to get a shot?&amp;nbsp; 
:'''Doctor''':&amp;nbsp; No.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Cool.
:'''Doctor''':&amp;nbsp; You have to get 18 of them, Rod.&amp;nbsp; 
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Yes!
:'''Doctor''':&amp;nbsp; In the stomach.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; ''Cool!''
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; …this sucks.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''TV''':&amp;nbsp; The good news about rabies is that treating it no longer means a series of painful injections into the solar plexus.&amp;nbsp; New vaccines require only 5 simple shots in the arm.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Hey Beavis.&amp;nbsp; How come that stupid doctor didn't know that?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Maybe he doesn't watch TV.&amp;nbsp; [''switch to the Doctor, who is in a dark room wielding a needle'']
:'''Doctor''':&amp;nbsp; Hahahaha!&amp;nbsp; Rod Munch, huh?&amp;nbsp; ''Hahahaha''!

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep66|They're Coming to Take Me Away, Huh Huh]]&quot; [4.05]==
:'''Buzzcutt''':&amp;nbsp; Now, listen up people.&amp;nbsp; I am not an unreasonable man, but I say that there's nothing wrong with you little monsters that can't be cured by a quick return to the days of ''corporeal punishment''!

:'''Buzzcutt''':&amp;nbsp; Now, here to talk about your feelings is your new school psychiatrist, Dr.&amp;nbsp; Floss.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr.&amp;nbsp; Floss''':&amp;nbsp; How about your parents?&amp;nbsp; Your mother, for example.&amp;nbsp; How do you feel about your mother?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp;  Um, like this…&amp;nbsp; [''gesturing the shape of his mother's body'']&amp;nbsp; Yeah.&amp;nbsp; Heh-heh.&amp;nbsp; Kinda like this…&amp;nbsp; [''continuing to gesture''].
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; That's not how I feel your mother.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp;  Shut up, fartknocker!&amp;nbsp; [''slaps Butt-head down to the floor'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; I got the last grape!&amp;nbsp; [''takes the last grape lollipop'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; No way, Beavis!&amp;nbsp; I saw it first!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''spits on lollipop'']&amp;nbsp; My germs!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''slaps Beavis, causing him to scream'']&amp;nbsp; No way!&amp;nbsp; [''gets kicked in the groin and head'']&amp;nbsp; Uuh!&amp;nbsp; [''gets tackled by Beavis'']&amp;nbsp; Aah!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''continues screaming'']&amp;nbsp; Butthole!&amp;nbsp; [''while they're on the couch, in a somewhat suggestive position'']&amp;nbsp; No way!&amp;nbsp; Come on, Butt-head!&amp;nbsp; I always get the grape!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; It's not gonna taste like grape, when it's up your butt!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr.&amp;nbsp; Floss''':&amp;nbsp; [''holds up a merely a random pattern'']&amp;nbsp; What do you see in this picture?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; It's this dude, and he's like &quot;auditioning his finger puppets&quot;.&amp;nbsp; Huh huh.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah.&amp;nbsp; Yeah.&amp;nbsp; He's &quot;shining his helmet&quot;.
:'''Dr.&amp;nbsp; Floss''':&amp;nbsp; I see.&amp;nbsp; And what do you see here?&amp;nbsp; [''holds up another picture of random shapes'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Whoa…&amp;nbsp; He's really corralling the tadpole.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah.&amp;nbsp; Yeah.&amp;nbsp; He's really peelin some chilis.
:'''Dr.&amp;nbsp; Floss''':&amp;nbsp; I see.&amp;nbsp;  What about this one?&amp;nbsp; [''holds up another picture of no particular shape'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp;   Woah…&amp;nbsp; Leave a little for next time, dude!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp;  Yeah.&amp;nbsp; Yeah.&amp;nbsp; He's really, like, having a tug-of-war with Cyclops!
:'''Dr.&amp;nbsp; Floss''':&amp;nbsp;  I see.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''takes the picture and looks at it'']&amp;nbsp; Paper or plastic, sir?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Huhuh…he's masturbating.
:'''Dr.&amp;nbsp; Floss''':&amp;nbsp;  And how about this last drawing?&amp;nbsp; [''shows a picture of a [[w:Julio Iglesias|Julio Iglesias]]-like singer holding his microphone pole between his legs in a suggestive manner'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh…that's, like, just a bunch of weird shapes.
:'''Dr.&amp;nbsp; Floss''':&amp;nbsp; Fascinating.&amp;nbsp; [''calls for Principal McVicker via intercom'']&amp;nbsp; Principal McVicker, could you come in here?&amp;nbsp; We've got big problems.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep67|Jump!]]&quot; [4.06]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep68|Pumping Iron]]&quot; [4.07]==
:'''Weight Lifter''':&amp;nbsp; You were supposed to be spotting me!&amp;nbsp; Stickboy!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh…there you are.&amp;nbsp; Uhuhuh.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah yeah, heh heh, I spotted you right over there.
:'''Weight Lifter''':&amp;nbsp; [''lifts them up by the neck and growls'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''while choking'']&amp;nbsp; Heh heh hey, don't make me kick your ass.
:[''the weight lifter throws them through the window'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; …Exercise sucks.&amp;nbsp;  

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep69|Let's Clean it Up]]&quot; [4.08]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep70|1‒900‒BEAVIS]]&quot; [4.09]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Huhuh, I can, like, hear her butt!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Let's not use our real names.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''on the phone'']&amp;nbsp; I'm Beavis and he's Butt-head.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep71|Water Safety]]&quot; [4.10]==
:[''after Buzzcut saves Beavis and Butt-head from near drowning'']
:'''Buzzcut:''' Butt-head, do you have an explanation for your inexplicable behavior?!
:'''Butt-head:''' Uhh…I was dead?&amp;nbsp; Uh huh huh.
:'''Beavis:''' Heh heh.&amp;nbsp;  Yeah.&amp;nbsp;  He was dead.&amp;nbsp;  Heh heh.
:'''Buzzcut:''' Do you or do you not have a reason for placing ''my life'' and ''my accreditation'' at risk?!
:'''Butt-head:''' Uhh…I can't swim.&amp;nbsp; Uh huh huh.
:'''Beavis:''' Yeah.&amp;nbsp; Heh heh.&amp;nbsp; Me too.
:'''Buzzcut:''' And what about your ''patent'' disregard for ''Beavis''!&amp;nbsp; Do you not care a ''rat's ass'' for the safety of your closest companion!?
:'''Butt-head:''' Uhh…no.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep72|Blackout!]]&quot; [4.11]==
:'''TV Voice-over''':&amp;nbsp; We now return to Robert Yearing, Mellissa Gilbert, and Lou Ferigno in ''[[w:Asbestos|Asbestos]] in [[w:Obstetrics|Obstetrics]]''.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, Butt-head!&amp;nbsp; What is &quot;astesbos&quot;?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh…it's like health food or something.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cop on a van loudspeaker''':&amp;nbsp; Do not panic.&amp;nbsp; There has been a small transformer explosion at the electric plant.&amp;nbsp; Power will be restored shortly.&amp;nbsp; Cititzens are advised to store fresh water supplies and canned goods.&amp;nbsp; Or, uh, you should have already done that, I guess.&amp;nbsp; Hope you did.&amp;nbsp; Attention citizens!&amp;nbsp; Do not panic.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''blackout occurs; people are looting around town'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Are they having another one of those Midnight Madness sales?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah.&amp;nbsp; Yeah.&amp;nbsp; &quot;We're slashing prices!&amp;nbsp; Everything must go!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; That was cool.&amp;nbsp; We gotta find a place to watch [[t.v.]]
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, yeah.&amp;nbsp; [''two men exit through a broken store window with a t.v.'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, they've got one.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp;  Yeah.&amp;nbsp; [''yelling to the men offscreen''] Hey, wait up, dude.
:'''Cop (offscreen)''':&amp;nbsp; Freeze!&amp;nbsp; Police!&amp;nbsp; [''gunshot'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh…never mind.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''':&amp;nbsp; [''directing traffic'']&amp;nbsp; That's right, everyone.&amp;nbsp; If we all work together and respect one another's space, we'll get through this crisis with a newfound sense of community.
:'''Truck Driver''':&amp;nbsp; Get out of the street, you longhaired panty-waist!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''':&amp;nbsp; I need to go coordinate the emergency shelter at the Y, but I can't move my post until I'm relieved.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh…just go behind a building, dude.&amp;nbsp; No one will see.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Mr. Stevenson, is that you?
:'''Mr. Steveson''':&amp;nbsp; Beavis, Butt-head, thank god!&amp;nbsp; What happened?&amp;nbsp; Tell me what happened!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Our [[t.v.]] broke.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Can we watch it at your house?
:[''Stevenson groans'']

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep73|Late Night with Butt-head]]&quot; [4.12]==
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''':&amp;nbsp; Now, I'm going to close my eyes, and I want you to wow me.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh…is that allowed on school property?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''as [[David Letterman]]'']&amp;nbsp; So we're going to go over our Top 10 List from our home office in [[w:Butte, Montana|Butt, Montana]].&amp;nbsp; [''bounces pencil on table which goes flying right through Beavis [Paul Shaffer]'s glasses'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Aagghh!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Whoa!&amp;nbsp; That was cool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; We're gonna kick [[David Letterman|Letterman]]'s butt.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep74|The Final Judgement&lt;!-- Title card includes both 'E's in &quot;Judgement&quot;; see http://vignette4.wikia.nocookie.net/beavisandbutthead/images/e/e8/Final_Judgement.png/revision/latest?cb=20110826185945 --&gt; of Beavis]]&quot; [4.13]==
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; So, like, in [[Heaven]], will all the chicks do anything I want?
:'''[[Saint Peter|St.&amp;nbsp; Peter]]''':&amp;nbsp; No.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; That sucks.&amp;nbsp; Do I get X-ray vision?&amp;nbsp; Can I get some nachos?
:'''St.&amp;nbsp; Peter''':&amp;nbsp; No.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Are you sure this is Heaven?&amp;nbsp;  

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; What do you know, asswipe?
:'''St.&amp;nbsp; Peter''':&amp;nbsp; I know everything, buttmunch.&amp;nbsp; 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Beavis is not dog food.&amp;nbsp; He's worm food.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep75|Pool Toys]]&quot; [4.14]==
:'''Tom Anderson''':&amp;nbsp; You know, when a man builds a new swimming pool, there's some things he just can't do by himself.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Beavis does things by himself.&amp;nbsp;  

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Tom Anderson''':&amp;nbsp; [''cleaning his glasses, unable to notice his two workers are Beavis and Butt-head wearing [[w:horn-rimmed glasses|nerd glasses]]'']&amp;nbsp; Well I can see you boys aren't like the usual hooligans hanging around here.&amp;nbsp; Like these two fellows, uh, Buff-Coat and Beaver.&amp;nbsp; Boy, they've been nothing but trouble.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep76|Madame Blavatsky]]&quot; [4.15]==
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Woah, hey check that out!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''pronouncing &quot;[[w:fortune teller|fortune teller]]&quot;'']&amp;nbsp; Fuh…fuh fart…Fuuh…forr…tuu…&quot;Fortune,&quot; huh, huh, &quot;Fortune Teller.&quot;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, heh, heh, heh, let's go tell her our fortune.&amp;nbsp; Heh, heh, heh.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; No dumbass.&amp;nbsp; ''She'' tells ''your'' fourtune.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Oh, heh, heh, heh, hey Butt-head, what's that mean?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; You know, your future.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Heh, heh, heh, what's that mean?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; I don't know.&amp;nbsp; Huh, huh, huh.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Madame Blavasky''':&amp;nbsp; [''on the phone'']&amp;nbsp; You better not come around here again, Lester, or I'm calling the cops!!&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis and Butt-head walk in'']&amp;nbsp; Wait, I got some customers.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Madame Blavasky''':&amp;nbsp; I see…a mansion…with many faithful servants…a yacht…
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; I don't see any of that crap.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Beavis is wearing a Professor Quirrel-like headdress'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; I didn't know you were psychic, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, remember what those doctors said on those tests?
:'''Butt-head''':, No Beavis, they said you were ''psycho''.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep77|Beavis and Butt-head's Island]]&quot; [4.16]==
:'''Salesclerk''':&amp;nbsp; You boys don't look like you can afford anything in the store.&amp;nbsp; Am I right?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh…
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Umm…
:'''Salesclerk''':&amp;nbsp; ''Only'' paying customers are allowed to come here and stare.&amp;nbsp; Now, get out!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Janitor''':&amp;nbsp; [''noticeing that Beavis and Butt-head have been on the island in the fountain for a very long time'']&amp;nbsp; You do know that the water is only like two feet deep and you can walk across, right?

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep78|Figure Drawing]]&quot; [4.17]==
:[''after the male model becomes nude'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, tacos?&amp;nbsp; You said there were tacos?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; I don't feel too good.&amp;nbsp; I don't want to draw some dude's schlong.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep79|Date Bait]]&quot; [4.18]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep80|Butt Is It Art?]]&quot; [4.19]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''referring to a nude male statue's penis'']&amp;nbsp; Huh, huh…it's hard, but it's not, like, ''hard''?
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''':&amp;nbsp; Very good, Butt-head!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''':&amp;nbsp; Now, works by the master painters of the centuries!&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis and Butt-head break into laughter'']
:'''[[w:Daria Morgendorffer|Daria]]''':&amp;nbsp; He said master painters!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Oh!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, master painting is cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; What did you bring back, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; One giant boob.&amp;nbsp; [''shows Beavis'']&amp;nbsp; What did you bring back?&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis shows Butt-head a picture of something flesh colored'']&amp;nbsp; Uh, what is it?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Heh heh.&amp;nbsp; It's a butt.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep81|Right On]]&quot; [4.20]==
:'''[[Rush Limbaugh|Gus Baker]]''':&amp;nbsp; You've got ''The Gus Baker Show'', and the first topic:&amp;nbsp; The death penalty!&amp;nbsp; Yes or no?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Yes!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yes!&amp;nbsp; The chair!&amp;nbsp; The chair!!&amp;nbsp; The chair!!
:'''Gus Baker''':&amp;nbsp; In my opinion, you betcha!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Yes!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yes!&amp;nbsp; The chair!!&amp;nbsp; The chair!!
:'''Gus Baker''':&amp;nbsp; And they call me reactionary…because I believe that criminals should be punished, and ordinary Americans like you and me should have the right to carry guns!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; This dude's cool.
:'''Gus Baker''':&amp;nbsp; Also on today's show: [[music videos]]!&amp;nbsp;  Who makes these affronts to common decency?!&amp;nbsp;  Where I come from, we have a word for garbage like that!!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah.&amp;nbsp; They suck!!
:'''Gus Baker''':&amp;nbsp; But first, a commercial!&amp;nbsp; Our lines are open!&amp;nbsp; Give us a call!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; We think you're, like, cool.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, especially the part about giving dudes the chair.&amp;nbsp; The chair!!&amp;nbsp; The chair!!
:'''Gus Baker''':&amp;nbsp; The death penalty?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, and what you said about bums.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah. And videos.
:'''Gus Baker''':&amp;nbsp; Well, like they say: great minds think alike!&amp;nbsp; You know, talking to you, boys. I can tell our young people still has the moral strength and character to make this country right again!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh…what?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gus Baker''':&amp;nbsp; Last week we heard from two boys whose characters were so impressive we brought them out here for today's show!&amp;nbsp; Please welcome Beavis and, uh, Buth-coat!!
:'''Gus Baker''':&amp;nbsp; Now, people say that yours is a lost generation…violent, lazy, uneducated, sexually active!!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Huhuh, not Beavis.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Heheh, yeah, Butt-head doesn't get any either.
:'''Gus Baker''':&amp;nbsp; Well, you two are certainly fine upstanding young men…a credit to the youth of America!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''looking around at the applauding &quot;[[w:dittohead|dittoheads]]&quot; in the audience'']&amp;nbsp; Hey Beavis, you see any chicks?
:'''Gus Baker''':&amp;nbsp; Okay, now, boys, I want to ask you: As decent young men, don't you agree with me that there is something very, very wrong with these so-called &quot;music videos&quot;?
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah!&amp;nbsp; Really!!
:'''Gus Baker''':&amp;nbsp; These &quot;rock videos&quot; are immoral!&amp;nbsp; Indecent!&amp;nbsp; Profane!&amp;nbsp; Scurrillous!&amp;nbsp; And blasphemous!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah!&amp;nbsp; They suck!&amp;nbsp; ''They suck!!''&amp;nbsp; Indecent!&amp;nbsp; Profane!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, especially Meatloaf.&amp;nbsp; He sucks!
:'''Gus Baker''':&amp;nbsp; Hey!&amp;nbsp; We're on the air!&amp;nbsp; You can't use that language!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; We use language?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''after Gus Baker whispers into his ear'']&amp;nbsp; Hey, Beavis, he says we can't say &quot;sucks.&quot;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Really?&amp;nbsp; That sucks.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Can we say &quot;buttwipe&quot;?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, how about &quot;bunghole&quot;?&amp;nbsp; Bunghole!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; What about &quot;buttmunch&quot;?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah heheh, &quot;buttmunch.&quot;  Or &quot;dillhole&quot;?  
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; &quot;Dillweed&quot;?
:'''Gus Baker''':&amp;nbsp; Hey! Do you use that language at home?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh…yeah!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Hey Gus, check this out. Yeah… peek-a-boo!!&amp;nbsp; [''moons the audience'']
:'''Gus Baker''':&amp;nbsp; [''running in front of Beavis'']&amp;nbsp; Go! Go! Go to the commercial! Go to the commercial! 
:'''Announcer''':&amp;nbsp; Make a positive change in america. Pledge $10 to elect Gus Baker President.
:'''Gus Baker''':&amp;nbsp; GET THESE LITTLE BASTARDS OUT OF HERE!!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh…do you use that language at home?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Peek-a-boo!! [''presumably moons the security guards who pull him and Butt-head off stage'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''watching a replay in which Beavis's mooning is pixelated'']&amp;nbsp; Hey Beavis…what's all that fuzzy stuff on your butt?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; I don't know…is it still there?&amp;nbsp; [''mooning Butt-head'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, no…but it wouldn't hurt to wipe once in a while.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Uh…heheh, oh yeah, sorry.&amp;nbsp;  I was in a hurry.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp;  Beavis, get your butt out of my face and into that bathroom,&amp;nbsp;now.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp;  Heheh, oh yeah, sorry.
Note:&amp;nbsp; In the DVD cut, after Beavis moons Butt-head, Butt-head goes straight to simply responding, &quot;Beavis, get your butt out of my face, now,&quot; and the episode ends.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep82|Manners Suck]]&quot; [4.21]==
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''acting as a waiter'']&amp;nbsp; Uh, hi, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Hi, Master Beavis.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; I was suppose to introduce me, bunghole!&amp;nbsp; Uh, welcome to a restaurant.&amp;nbsp; Would you like to take my order?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, get me some nachos, buttwipe!
:'''Mr. Manners''':&amp;nbsp; [''grabs Butt-head by the collar'']&amp;nbsp; Listen, you little…t-t-twerp!&amp;nbsp; This is my job, this is how I make money!&amp;nbsp; Don't screw with me!&amp;nbsp; [''goes back to his place'']&amp;nbsp; Now, how about using some manners?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Manners suck.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Hey Butt-head.&amp;nbsp; Don't &quot;screw&quot; with him.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, he sure does like to touch.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah.&amp;nbsp; He tried to touch my weiner.
:'''Mr. Manners''':&amp;nbsp; What?!&amp;nbsp; You little liar!&amp;nbsp; [''starts strangling Beavis'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Back off, you pervert!&amp;nbsp;  
:'''Mr. Manners''':&amp;nbsp; [''David Van Driessen comes in'']&amp;nbsp; He's lying!
:'''David Van Driessen''':&amp;nbsp; Hey!&amp;nbsp; Don't you dare lay a finger on my students!&amp;nbsp; [''breaks them up'']&amp;nbsp; Beavis, did he hit you?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Heh.&amp;nbsp; Um.&amp;nbsp; Heh.&amp;nbsp; Yes, sir.&amp;nbsp; Heh.&amp;nbsp; He did.&amp;nbsp; Heh.&amp;nbsp; Thank you for your concern.
:'''Mr. Manners''':&amp;nbsp; Why, you little dirtball!!&amp;nbsp; [''goes to attack Beavis, but Van Driessen's hand stops him'']
:'''David Van Driessen''':&amp;nbsp; You want to touch my students, I'll ''touch you!''&amp;nbsp; [''Van Driessen and Mr. Manners get into a smack fight, the students start cheering'']
:'''Mr. Manners''':&amp;nbsp; I'll get you, you little punks!!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, no thank you, sir.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah.&amp;nbsp; Thank you.&amp;nbsp; Drive through.
:'''David Van Driessen''':&amp;nbsp; Stop it!&amp;nbsp; [''throws a punch'']&amp;nbsp; Stop it!
:'''Mr. Manners''':&amp;nbsp; You're dead, hippie.
:'''David Van Driessen''':&amp;nbsp; You're going to jail, jackass!
:'''Mr. Manners''':&amp;nbsp; You're going down, [[Woodstock]]!
:'''David Van Driessen''':&amp;nbsp; [''throws another punch'']&amp;nbsp; Take that, you [[fascist]]!
:'''Mr. Manners''':&amp;nbsp; You're hurting me!&amp;nbsp; Security!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''in the bathroom, Beavis and Butt-head are sitting in toilet stalls next to one another; Butt-head groans, strains, and pushes in vain'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Please come out.&amp;nbsp; Please!&amp;nbsp; [''laughs in relief as a excrement drops into the toilet'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, me, too!&amp;nbsp; [''grunts, strains, and pushes, but nothing emerges'']&amp;nbsp; Hey, Butt-head, it won't come out.&amp;nbsp; [''continues straining without result'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Maybe you should try using manners.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Oh, yeah!&amp;nbsp; Umm, please come out of my butt.&amp;nbsp; [''groans and strains'']&amp;nbsp; Please!&amp;nbsp; [''feels relief as the excrement drops'']&amp;nbsp; Thank you, drive through.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Manners.&amp;nbsp; Hey, Beavis, will you please wipe my butt?

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep83|The Pipe of Doom]]&quot; [4.22]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; I wonder if they’re like, pipes for water, or pipes for, like, crap?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, heh heh.&amp;nbsp; That would be cool if they really had, like, pipes with crap and turds running through them. Heh heh.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; They do, dumbass.&amp;nbsp; How do you think all that crap gets out of your house?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; It doesn't.&amp;nbsp; It's in my basement in little jars. Heh heh.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; That's pretty disgusting, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, I know. Heh heh.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; I can't get out.&amp;nbsp; I'm, like, stuck.&amp;nbsp; Huh huh.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Really, heh heh.&amp;nbsp; That's cool.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; It's not cool, Beavis.&amp;nbsp; I'm not sure yet, but I think it sucks.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep84|Safe Driving]]&quot; [4.23]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep85|Mr Anderson's Balls]]&quot; [4.24]==
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [[w:Titleist|Tit…le…ist]]!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Beavis, your balls are filthy.&amp;nbsp; Go to the ball washer, now!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Beavis starts pumping ball washer'']
:'''Golf Instructor''':&amp;nbsp; You're pulling your head on every stroke.&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis and Butt-head laugh; Beavis pumps washer faster'']&amp;nbsp; Let me see your bag.&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis and Butt-head laugh; Beavis pumps washer even faster'']&amp;nbsp; Here, take your wood and try using a different grip on the shaft.&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis and Butt-head laugh'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, Beavis.&amp;nbsp; We could get rich doing this.&amp;nbsp; We need to get more balls.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''laughs''] You've got to hear what you just said, Butt-head.&amp;nbsp; You said, heh, &quot;We need to get more balls.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Huh huh huh, oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mr. Anderson''':&amp;nbsp; Wait a minute!&amp;nbsp; These balls look kinda familiar.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, many balls look the same, sir.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, I have two that are identical.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep86|Patients Patients]]&quot; [4.25]==
:'''Orthodontist''':&amp;nbsp; Well, Butt-head, we're not seeing a lot of progress here.&amp;nbsp; Have you been wearing your rubber bands and headgear at night?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Huh huh huh, headgear.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; Now, Butt-head!&amp;nbsp; You've waited your whole life to say this in class without getting in any trouble.&amp;nbsp; Our topic for today is?&amp;nbsp; [''&quot;SEXUAL INTERCOURSE&quot; is written on the board'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''with mouth wired shut, unable to talk clearly'']&amp;nbsp; Sefual intercorfe!
:'''Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; Say it, you pantywaste!&amp;nbsp; Say it!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''still muffled'']&amp;nbsp; Sefual intercorfe!
:'''Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; Get out of my class you insuboridnated maggot!&amp;nbsp; Beavis!&amp;nbsp; What does this say?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''wearing unneeded glasses, cannot read'']&amp;nbsp; Uh…uh…uh…
:'''Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; Get out!&amp;nbsp;  

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Optometrist''':&amp;nbsp; Now what do you see?&amp;nbsp; [''points to vision test board'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Ummm.&amp;nbsp; Uh, the alphabet.&amp;nbsp; Heh Heh.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Optometrist''':&amp;nbsp; You're not leaving until you get one right.&amp;nbsp; [''points to the letter 'O'&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt;'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Oh, that's a letter right?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Young woman''':&amp;nbsp; [''thinking''] Please don't let them sit over here.&amp;nbsp; Please don't let them sit over here.&amp;nbsp; Please, God, don't let them sit over here.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, Beavis, let's sit over there.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, baby.&amp;nbsp; You got any cavities?

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep87|Teen Talk]]&quot; [4.26]==
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Hey Butt-head, someone, like, stole our women!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; That sucks.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah!&amp;nbsp; It doesn't just suck, Butt-head, it like ahhh, ''really'' sucks!&amp;nbsp; We're never gonna score!&amp;nbsp; We’re gonna be wussies!&amp;nbsp; Forever!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Settle down, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; No, I can't settle down!&amp;nbsp; We're ''never'' gonna score!&amp;nbsp; We’ll get cars and like, we'll get jobs, and we'll have to like, mow lawns and scrub the grill, but we're never gonna score ''ever''!&amp;nbsp; It's gonna suck!
:'''Bouncer''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, I warned you to be quiet!&amp;nbsp; Don't make me come up there!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Shut up, asswipe!&amp;nbsp; You probably score!&amp;nbsp; And you're a dork!&amp;nbsp; I'm ''never'' gonna score!&amp;nbsp; ''I'm never gonna score!&amp;nbsp; It's gonna suck!&amp;nbsp; Ahhhh!&amp;nbsp; Aaahhh!&amp;nbsp; Ahhh!''

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep88|Crisis Line]]&quot; [4.27]==
:'''Stewart''':&amp;nbsp; [''on the phone'']&amp;nbsp; I, sometimes I wet the bed.&amp;nbsp; Isn't it, like, normal?&amp;nbsp; What happened if I get married?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Is this, is this, uh…hey, Stewart!
:'''Stewart''':&amp;nbsp; [''embarrassed'']&amp;nbsp; Oh no.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Stewart, what a weiner!&amp;nbsp; Heh heh heh!&amp;nbsp; [''Stewart's face turns red in humiliation'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''sing-song'']&amp;nbsp; Stewart wets his bed, da-na!
:'''Stewart''':&amp;nbsp; [''humiliated'']&amp;nbsp; Oh, God!&amp;nbsp; [''quickly hung up'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''sing-song'']&amp;nbsp; Stewart wets his bed, da-na!&amp;nbsp; Heh heh heh!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh…I've got a crisis…in my pants.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep89|Beavis and Butt-head vs. the Vending Machine]]&quot; [4.28]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, Beavis.&amp;nbsp; I just thought of something.&amp;nbsp; Whoever buys the next pork rinds is gonna get our bag, plus another one.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Cool!&amp;nbsp; Yeah, let's wait 'til they come, and then kick their ass.&amp;nbsp; Yeah, yeah!&amp;nbsp; Heh heh.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; No, dumbass.&amp;nbsp; I mean, like, if we get another 60 cents, we could like, get 2 for the price of 1.&amp;nbsp; Huh huh.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; 2 for the price of 1?&amp;nbsp; Heh heh.&amp;nbsp; That would be cool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh…I need like, 60 cents, 'cause my friend's, like, uh, starving and stuff.
:'''Old woman''':&amp;nbsp; Really?&amp;nbsp; Well, where is your friend?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh…uh, he's, like, overseas or something.
:'''Old woman''':&amp;nbsp; Oh, I've seen those commercials.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, me, too.
:'''Old woman''':&amp;nbsp; It's so sad.&amp;nbsp; [''hands Butt-head a dollar'']&amp;nbsp; Here you go.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh…no.&amp;nbsp; I said I need 60 cents, Buttmunch.
:'''Old woman''':&amp;nbsp; [''getting into car'']&amp;nbsp; That's okay.&amp;nbsp; I don't mind giving a little more.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh…okay.&amp;nbsp; [''stares at her'']
:'''Old woman''':&amp;nbsp; Yes?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh…I thought you said you were gonna give me some more.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep90|Generation in Crisis]]&quot; [4.29]==
:'''Reporter''':&amp;nbsp; In your own words, Steven, what is your ''raison d'être''?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Um…it's in my pants.
:'''Reporter''':&amp;nbsp; Where do you picture yourself in ten years?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh…uh uh…uhh…uh uh…
:'''Reporter''':&amp;nbsp; You have a 21st-century marketplace, you're gonna enter would-be global electronic village.&amp;nbsp; How are you preparing yourself for what is bound to be a complex and challenging world?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh…you said &quot;enter&quot;…uh uh…
:'''Reporter''':&amp;nbsp; What are you feeling, right now?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; My left nad.&amp;nbsp; It itches.&amp;nbsp; Can I say &quot;nad&quot;?
:'''Reporter''':&amp;nbsp; There is no censorship of any kind.&amp;nbsp; This is an independant documentary film.&amp;nbsp; With a generous grant from our friends at the exco corporation.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh uh…censorship is cool.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah.&amp;nbsp; Uh uh…censorship is cool.&amp;nbsp; Uh uh…
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; I like when they put these black boxes on people's thingies.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, like…somebody's talking.&amp;nbsp; And they say &quot;Get the **BEEEEEEEEEEEEP**&quot;
:'''Off Voice''':&amp;nbsp; Oh!&amp;nbsp; Cut!

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep91|Radio Sweethearts]]&quot; [4.30]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''reading a piece of paper that says &quot;the tenth caller gets a free pair of Bon Jovi tickets&quot;''] The teenth, cooler…
:'''Rabid Ron (Radio DJ)''':&amp;nbsp; Tenth caller…
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Gets a free tattoo on his butt!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah.
:'''Rabid Ron (Radio DJ)''':&amp;nbsp; A great joke, Butt-head.&amp;nbsp; Of course, he means tickets to tonight's [[Bon Jovi]] concert.&amp;nbsp; I'm afraid that's all the time we have for Beavis and Butt-head, but keep listening because somebody always wins.&amp;nbsp; [''off air, to Beavis and Butt-head''] You guys get the hell out of here and never come back!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Huh, huh, you're old.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, and you suck-suck-suck-suck-suck-suck!&amp;nbsp; Suck-suck-suck, suck-suck!
:'''Rabid Ron (Radio DJ)''': Out!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, what about our $5 birth certificates, bunghole?
:'''Rabid Ron (Radio DJ)''': Out!

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep92|The Great Cornholio]]&quot; [4.31]==
:'''Stewart's Mom''':&amp;nbsp; Have you boys eaten breakfast?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; …I think I did once.&amp;nbsp;  

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''eating breakfast burritos'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Hey Beavis, you think she's going to put a thermometer up his butt?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, heheh, and then she's going to put it in his mouth!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Ugh!&amp;nbsp; What the hell is this crap?&amp;nbsp; This isn't a burrito.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, I got eggs in mine!&amp;nbsp; She tricked us.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; No wonder Stewart's got diarrhea.&amp;nbsp; 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''':&amp;nbsp; It's ironic that we in this country who cherish freedom occasionally support governments who are less responsive to human rights.&amp;nbsp; We're fortunate to have had a very stable government for over 200 years.&amp;nbsp; In other parts of the world, they aren't so lucky.&amp;nbsp; The struggle for freedom is by no means over.&amp;nbsp; It still goes on today in places like Nicaragua, El Salvador, and Panama…
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''as [[w:Cornholio|Cornholio]]'']&amp;nbsp; Nicaragua?&amp;nbsp; Agua!&amp;nbsp; ''Agua for my binghole!!''
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''':&amp;nbsp; Beavis, please sit down.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Are you threatening me?&amp;nbsp;  I am the ''Great Cornholio!''
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''':&amp;nbsp; Come on, Beavis, take your seat.&amp;nbsp; Now, technically America is not a democracy but a republic
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''to Daria''] Do you have t.p.?&amp;nbsp;  T.p.&amp;nbsp; for my bunghole?
:'''Daria''':&amp;nbsp; Get out of here, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh, Okay.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Principal McVicker''': I don't know what your problem is, but I simply cannot have students roaming the hallways during class, interrupting other classes, and giving prophecies of a great plague. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; ''Do not make my bunghole angry!''

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep93|Liar!&amp;nbsp; Liar!]]&quot; [4.32]==
:'''Burger World Manager''':&amp;nbsp; [''counting money'']&amp;nbsp; Fifty, sixty, sixty five-
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Twelve.
:'''Burger World Manager''':&amp;nbsp; Shut up.&amp;nbsp; [''counts in the background'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; One!&amp;nbsp; Twenty-five cents.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, Sixty-nine.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Number two.
:'''Burger World Manager''':&amp;nbsp; Eighty three, eighty four, ''shut up''.&amp;nbsp; 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; I didn't do it!&amp;nbsp; I didn't do it!&amp;nbsp; It was like…some foreigner.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Hey Butt-head, what are they gonna do to us?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; I think they're gonna make us take one of those polygrip tests.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Oh yeah, that stuff's cool.&amp;nbsp; I found some of that at Anderson's house, and it was like, I put it on my teeth and I was walking around going [''clenches teeth together''] &quot;rrrghgrggrhgrhg.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Beavis, you suck as a liar.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Heh, yeah, liar.&amp;nbsp; ''Liar!'' Liar, liar, pants on-…heh!&amp;nbsp; Woah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Butt-head is hooked up to the lie detector tester'']
:'''Mr. O'Brien''':&amp;nbsp; Alright, now I'm gonna ask you some questions.&amp;nbsp; Failure to be truthful, and your responses will be interpreted as an acknowledgment of guilt.&amp;nbsp; Do you understand?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh…&amp;nbsp; yeah.&amp;nbsp; [''detector buzzes 'false'&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt;'']&amp;nbsp; Uh huh huh.&amp;nbsp; Uh, I mean, no.&amp;nbsp; [''detector dings 'true'&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt;'']&amp;nbsp; Huh huh huh.
:'''Mr. O'Brien''':&amp;nbsp; Just tell the truth and you have nothing to worry about.&amp;nbsp; Let's begin.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh huh huh huh.&amp;nbsp; [''takes a deep breath and holds it''] Huh huh…

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Butt-head is still holding his breath, his face is red'']
:'''Mr. O'Brien''':&amp;nbsp; Okay, now.&amp;nbsp; Please tell me your name.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''trying to hold his breath and talk at the same time'']&amp;nbsp; Butt-head…
:'''Mr. O'Brien''':&amp;nbsp; Okay, good.&amp;nbsp; Now, Butt-head, could you tell me how many fingers I am holding up?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''his face becomes even more red, yellow bubbles appearing around his head'']&amp;nbsp; Uhh, four?&amp;nbsp; [''detector dings 'true'&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt;'']]
:'''Mr. O'Brien''':&amp;nbsp; Well, it's three, actually, but since you ''think'' it's four, you didn't really lie.&amp;nbsp; So, that's good.&amp;nbsp; [''Butt-head's face turns crimson red'']&amp;nbsp; Now, Butt-head, tell me.&amp;nbsp; In all of your life, have you ever '''stolen''' anything?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''still in the waiting room'']&amp;nbsp; I didn't do it, bunghole!&amp;nbsp; Heh heh.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''lie detector's pulse papers are moving violently; Butt-head is ''still'' holding his breath, his face is now a red hued purple, and he is on the verge of losing consciousness'']
:'''Mr. O'Brien''':&amp;nbsp; I'll repeat the question, Butt-head.&amp;nbsp; Have you ever stolen anything?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh… [''wires start short circuiting, due to violent pulses''] Uhhhh… [''collapses from asphyxiation''] Uh huh huh huh… [''the detector lets out a flat pulse'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Beavis is hooked up to the lie detector tester'']
:'''Mr. O'Brien''':&amp;nbsp; Good.&amp;nbsp; Well, young man, I'd like to get a base reading here.&amp;nbsp; Could you say something?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, heh, yeah, heh.
:'''Mr. O'Brien''':&amp;nbsp; Just say anything.&amp;nbsp; The first thing that comes into your mind.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Um, heh heh, I killed a bunch of people once.&amp;nbsp; [''detector dings 'true' and Beavis takes a deep breath and holds it'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''News Reporter''':&amp;nbsp; When asked how a teenage boy could have commited a crime that happened more than two decades ago, a police spokesman explained, quote, &quot;He's very clever&quot;.

==Cast==
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Beavis|Beavis]] 
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—Coach Buzzcut
*Adam Welsh—Stewart Stevenson
*[[w:Tracy Grandstaff|Tracy Grandstaff]]—[[w:Daria Morgendorffer|Daria Morgendorffer]]&lt;!--Full name is revealed to be Daria Morgendorffer in &quot;Scientific Stuff&quot; (S2E1).--&gt;
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—Thomas T. &quot;Tom&quot; Anderson&lt;!--Full name depicted as Thomas T. Anderson on a credit card in the episode &quot;Good Credit&quot; (S2E2).--&gt;
*[[w:Gilbert Gottfried|Gilbert Gottfried]]—[[w:Rush Limbaugh|Gus Baker]]

==See also==
*''[[Daria]]''
==External links==
*{{Official website|http://www.mtv.com/shows/beavis_and_butthead/}}
*{{IMDb title|0105950|Beavis and Butt-Head}}

&lt;center&gt;[[Beavis and Butt-head (pilots)|Pilots]] • Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music videos]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience|Album]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]&lt;/center&gt;

[[Category:Beavis and Butt-head seasons]]</text>
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    <title>Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)</title>
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'''''[[Beavis and Butt-head]]''''' (1993–1997, 2011) was an [[United States of America|American]] animated [[television]] series that originally aired on the cable television channel [[w:MTV|MTV]].&amp;nbsp; It followed the misadventures of two teenagers, [[w:Beavis|Beavis]] and [[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]].&amp;nbsp; '''[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#Season 7 (1997)|Season seven]]''' originally aired from 26 January to 28 November 1997.

{{center|
[[Beavis and Butt-head (pilots)|Pilots]] • Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music videos]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience|Album]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]
}}

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep161|Butt, Butt, Hike]]&quot; [7.01]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep162|Vaya Con Cornholio]]&quot; [7.02]==
:'''Immigration Officer''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, you!&amp;nbsp; ''¿Habla español?''
:'''[[w:Beavis|Beavis]]''':&amp;nbsp; [''as [[w:Cornholio|Cornholio]]'']&amp;nbsp; Español?&amp;nbsp; Es-bunghole! Habla? Ba-habla! Bla-bla-bla-bla-haaaa!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Supervisor''':&amp;nbsp; Alright, so what do we know about this kid?
:'''Officer''':&amp;nbsp; I picked him up at Burger World, but he didn't have any I.D., or anything.&amp;nbsp; Says his name is &quot;Cornholio.&quot;
:'''Supervisor''':&amp;nbsp; The hell kind of a name is that?&amp;nbsp; Is that his first name, or last?
:'''Officer''':&amp;nbsp; Um...I dunno, it's the only name he gives.
:'''Supervisor''':&amp;nbsp; Cornholio...could be Spanish.&amp;nbsp; Probably Italian.&amp;nbsp; Doubtful.
:'''Officer''':&amp;nbsp; Well, that little bastard devoured my taco burrito combo on the ride over.
:'''Supervisor''':&amp;nbsp; Well, probably Mexican.
:'''Officer''':&amp;nbsp; Says he's from Lake Titicaca.
:'''Supervisor''':&amp;nbsp; Lake Titicaca?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Lake Titicaca! Titicaca!
:'''Supervisor''':&amp;nbsp; Alright, find out where the hell Lake Titicaca is.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Nicaragua!
:'''Supervisor''':&amp;nbsp; Nicaragua?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Agua for my bunghole!&amp;nbsp; Bunghole!
:'''Officer''':&amp;nbsp; Oh, yeah.&amp;nbsp; And he keeps saying he needs &quot;T.P.&quot; for his &quot;bunghole.&quot;
:'''Supervisor''':&amp;nbsp; What the hell's a bunghole?&amp;nbsp; Can you find out what a bunghole is?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; You are a bunghole!&amp;nbsp; And so am I.&amp;nbsp; There will be more bungholes after me!
:'''Officer''':&amp;nbsp; [''reading from dictionary'']&amp;nbsp; Here, I got the dictionary. &quot;Bunghole: a hole in a barrel or keg used for pouring in or drawing out liquid.&quot;
:'''Supervisor''':&amp;nbsp; This kid's messed up.&amp;nbsp; Just take him back to [[Mexico]] and drop him off with the others.&amp;nbsp; Let the federales deal with him.
:'''Officer''':&amp;nbsp; Okay, Cornholio.&amp;nbsp; Time to go back home.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Are you threatening me?&amp;nbsp; You will give me T.P., bunghole!
:'''Officer''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, yeah. Alright. I know your bunghole needs T.P.&amp;nbsp; We'll get you plenty of T.P., just as soon as we get you back to Mexico.&amp;nbsp; And your bunghole will be just fine.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; I would hate for my bungholio to get polio.
:'''Officer''':&amp;nbsp; Me too.&amp;nbsp; Come on.&amp;nbsp; This way, Cornholio.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; The bunghole!&amp;nbsp; It is nothing to be ashamed of.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; You must feed the almighty bunghole!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Officer''':&amp;nbsp; I'm with immigration, and if you don't show me some proof of residency, I'm gonna have to take you in!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; You can take me, but you cannot take my bunghole!&amp;nbsp; For I have no bunghole. I am the great Cornholio.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''going to Mexico'']&amp;nbsp; I'm the great Cornholio.&amp;nbsp; There will be T.P. for everyman.&amp;nbsp; No man should be without T.P.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''arriving in Mexico'']&amp;nbsp; Aaahh, is this Nicaragua?&amp;nbsp; I will take this land for my bunghole!&amp;nbsp; Long live the almighty bunghole!

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep163|Evolution Sucks]]&quot; [7.03]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep164|Ding-Dong-Ditch]]&quot; [7.04]==
:'''[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]''':&amp;nbsp; Check it out, this trick rules!&amp;nbsp; It's like we ring the door bell and then we run away.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, yeah, okay.
:'''Man at the door''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; We tricked him.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; He's probably, like, &quot;Uhh, there is nobody here.&amp;nbsp; I wonder who did that.&quot;
:'''Man at the door''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, what the hell is wrong with you two.&amp;nbsp; Do that again I'll kick your ass.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Hey Butt-head, did we do that right?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Eeeh, I don't know.&amp;nbsp; Maybe we're supposed to like run away before anyone opens the door.&amp;nbsp; Let's try it again.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, this is gonna be cool.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; So like, this time remember to run away before they come to the door.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Ooi, okay.&amp;nbsp; &quot;Before.&quot;&amp;nbsp; That was cool!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah!&amp;nbsp; They're gonna be pissed.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Uhhm, nobody is coming out, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Maybe whoever lives there has like a broken leg or something and it takes long time to get to the door.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, that will be pretty cool!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, Butt-head, let's ring it again!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Eeeh, okay.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Let me ring it.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; No way, Beavis.&amp;nbsp; You rang it last time.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; No way.&amp;nbsp; You did, dill-hole!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh, wait a minute.&amp;nbsp; Uhh, I think we forgot to ring the door bell, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Dammit, this is really hard, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, but it's cool once you get it right.&amp;nbsp; Come on.
:'''Man at the door''':&amp;nbsp; What do you want?&amp;nbsp; What?&amp;nbsp; What are you doin'?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Did you see that?&amp;nbsp; That was pretty cool!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Beavis, you screwed it up again!&amp;nbsp; You're supposed to run before he comes to the door.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; No, damn it!&amp;nbsp; I don't know when he's gonna come to the door.&amp;nbsp; This sucks!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Dumbass!
:'''Neighbour woman''':&amp;nbsp; Where are you goin'?
:'''Neighbour woman's husband''':&amp;nbsp; The neighbours asked if I pick up their mail while they're away on vacation.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, Beavis.&amp;nbsp; I hope whoever lives here is, like, taking a dump.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; He gotta run to the door.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Damn it, what the hell is taking so long!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, really, let's do it again.&amp;nbsp; What's wrong with these people?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; I don't know.&amp;nbsp; They must be stupid.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Are you sure we get it right this time?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Eeh, yeah.
:[''The family living there just arrives their house'']
:'''Family guy''':&amp;nbsp; God, it's good to be back home huh again?&amp;nbsp; What a trip!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Hey Butt-head, they weren't even home.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; That sucks!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Ding dong ditch is hard.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, yeah, that sucks.&amp;nbsp; What a waste of time!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Maybe we were like doing something wrong.&amp;nbsp; We need practice.&amp;nbsp; Hey Beavis, you pretend you're at home, and I'll, like, do it to you.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, yeah, practice.&amp;nbsp; [''Butt-head goes out and rings the door bell'']&amp;nbsp; Who do that?&amp;nbsp; Hello, damn it!&amp;nbsp; Nobody here, damn it!&amp;nbsp; Bunghole!&amp;nbsp; Ooh yeah, that worked pretty good, yeah.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep165|Just for Girls]]&quot; [7.05]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep166|A Very Special Episode]]&quot; [7.06]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''trying to pronounce &quot;symptoms&quot;'']&amp;nbsp; Sym…sym…[[The Simpsons|Simpsons]]?&amp;nbsp; Uh, they're pretty cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:[''after Butt-head tosses a baby bird into the air'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, Butt-head, you &quot;flipped the bird.&quot;&amp;nbsp; Heh heh.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep167|Dumbasses Anonymous]]&quot; [7.07]==
:'''Bartender''': Look, I told you kids! You got no I.D., you look underage, and if I serve you, I'll go to jail!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh. Uhh…how about one for the road?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, like one to help me forget or something?
:'''Bartender''': Get outta here! Both of you!
:'''Joe from AA meeting''': Oh, yeah! Hey, it's okay, bartender. These are good kids. Y'know, you boys remind me of me I was a kid.
:'''Butt-head''':Yeah, some day we're gonna be just like you.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, we're gonna be drunk. [''Joe falls on the floor in drunken stupor'']

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep168|Underwear]]&quot; [7.08]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep169|Head Lice]]&quot; [7.09]==
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''as Cornholio'']&amp;nbsp; Do you have any tsetse flies?&amp;nbsp; Hehe.&amp;nbsp; Teetsie!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Nurse''':&amp;nbsp; Here's a prescription for some special shampoo and cream for skin irritation.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''laughs'']&amp;nbsp; She said &quot;[[w:foreskin|foreskin]].&quot;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah.&amp;nbsp; Foreskin irritation.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Beavis starts whacking Butt-head with a [[w:flyswatter|flyswatter]] in an attempt to kill the lice'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Ow!&amp;nbsp; What the hell are you doing, ass-wipe?!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah!&amp;nbsp; I'm kicking the bugs' ass!&amp;nbsp; Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Ow!&amp;nbsp; I'm gonna kick ''your'' ass, fartknocker!&amp;nbsp; [''kicks Beavis in the testicles'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Aaaahh!&amp;nbsp; [''falls down'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Now get up.&amp;nbsp; We gotta, like, use an [[w:insecticide|infesticide]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, Butt-head, are they dead?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, I think we got 'em, dude.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''suddenly starts scratching his scrotum'']&amp;nbsp; Um…wait a minute.&amp;nbsp; Damn it.&amp;nbsp; I think I got some more bugs on my nads.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, how'd they get ''there'', Beavis?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; I don't know.&amp;nbsp; Dammit!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Maybe you should stick your weiner in the bug zapper!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, yeah!&amp;nbsp; That's a really good idea, Butt-head!&amp;nbsp; [''pulls bug zapper down to his crotch area'']&amp;nbsp; Let me just get this down here, here we go… [''unzips pants; follows Butt-head's advice off-screen; electricity crackles and Beavis screams'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''chuckling'']&amp;nbsp; Dumbass!

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep170|Cyber-Butt]]&quot; [7.10]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Welcome to the future.&amp;nbsp; Here is your free porn.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Porn is good for you. Did you know that?
:'''Principal McVicker:''' Uh... Now as you boys know, we have strict rules, about accessing computer pornography from the library. So before, I sentence you to an extremely harsh punishment, I want to know how you little punks did it! Uh... Come on. You idiots can save yourself a lot of trouble if you just tell me who helped you log on!
:'''Butt-Head:''' I did that myself. But Stewart got us the porn.
:'''Stewart:''' What?
:'''Beavis:''' He's pretty good.
:'''Stewart:''' But... but... but I...
:'''Principal McVicker''': Oh, that's it! You're all getting detention for the rest of the year! And you've lost all your computer privileges!
:'''Beavis:''' Yeah, yeah we need more porn, come on Stewart.
:'''Buzzcut:''' Shut the hell up!

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep171|Nose Bleed]]&quot; [7.11]==
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''upon noticing that he's got a nosebleed'']&amp;nbsp; No!&amp;nbsp; I'm bleeding!&amp;nbsp; I'm bleeding!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''goes up to a woman coming out of a gas station rest-room'']&amp;nbsp; So, here's a quarter.&amp;nbsp; Could you like get one of those [[tampon|things]], you put in your [[vagina|thing]], when you got your [[menstration|thing]].&amp;nbsp; [''woman punches Butt-head'']

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep172|Citizens Arrest]]&quot; [7.12]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Beware the long arm of Butt-head.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Beware the long '''wiener''' of Beavis!

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep173|Pierced]]&quot; [7.13]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep174|A Great Day]]&quot; [7.14]==
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Some day, I'd like to be like that.&amp;nbsp; You know, a kid finds a dead bird, you give him 20 bucks for it.&amp;nbsp; Now that's cool.  

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep175|On Strike]]&quot; [7.15]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep176|Follow Me]]&quot; [7.16]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep177|Nothing Happening]]&quot; [7.17]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep178|Take a Lap]]&quot; [7.18]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep179|Shortcuts]]&quot; [7.19]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep180|Bride of Butt-head]]&quot; [7.20]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep181|Special Delivery]]&quot; [7.21]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep182|Woodshop]]&quot; [7.22]==
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, Butt-head, I don't know why, but this is giving me a stiffy.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhhhh, maybe that's why they call it &quot;woodshop.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''upon handing Beavis's severed finger to the nurse'']&amp;nbsp; Hey, Beavis.&amp;nbsp; I'm giving her the finger.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep183|T.V. Violence]]&quot; [7.23]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep184|Canned]]&quot; [7.24]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep185|Garage Band]]&quot; [7.25]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Come on, dumbass, play it.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Check this out.&amp;nbsp; Uhhh yeeah!!&amp;nbsp; Waahhhhh!!&amp;nbsp; You're gonna die!!&amp;nbsp; [''smashes Mr. Van Driessen's acoustic guitar'']&amp;nbsp; Ohhh dnanananananana didlywoo weewoo browww baaabababa dadadada!!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Woah!&amp;nbsp; That was cool, Beavis.&amp;nbsp; We're, like, on our way.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; We're [[Metallica]], featuring Beavis and Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh, that doesn't sound right.&amp;nbsp; It should be like, Butt-head and Beavis.&amp;nbsp; &quot;Beavis and Butt-head&quot; sounds stupid. 
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; No, no!&amp;nbsp; I kinda like &quot;Beavis and Butt-head&quot;!&amp;nbsp; I don't know just sounds right. 
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Damn it, Beavis, this is my band.&amp;nbsp; My name comes first.&amp;nbsp; Don't you, like, wanna be a hit? 
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; No way!&amp;nbsp; If you hit me, I'm gonna kick you in the nads! 
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, try it, and I'll beat the living ''crap'' out of you.&amp;nbsp; Damn it, this band isn't working.&amp;nbsp; It's, like, we don't, like, uhh…communicate or something?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; What? 
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh…I don't know.&amp;nbsp; What? 
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; What the hell are you talking about?!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, I don't know.&amp;nbsp; You're just a butt-knocker.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Don't call me butt-knocker, you son of a bitch! 
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; This band sucks.&amp;nbsp; I'm gonna get outta here.&amp;nbsp; [''walks off'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, I'm gonna get outta here.&amp;nbsp; This sucks!&amp;nbsp; [''turns around and walks off'']

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep186|Impotence]]&quot; [7.26]==
:'''Dr. Leibowitz''':&amp;nbsp; Let's try to see exactly what the problem is.&amp;nbsp; Now, I'm going to run some tests to gauge your ability to become aroused.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Cool.  
:'''Dr. Leibowitz''':&amp;nbsp; Now, I'm going to show you some photographs.&amp;nbsp; When you begin to feel aroused, just raise your hand.&amp;nbsp; Now— [''sees Beavis and Butt-head already have their hands raised]''
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Um, are these pictures of the chicks we're gonna get to score with?
:'''Dr. Leibowitz''':&amp;nbsp; Well, yes, if you find that helps, that would be an excellent way to think of them.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Cool.&amp;nbsp; Bring 'em on. 
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, yeah.&amp;nbsp; [''mock-Arabic accent'']&amp;nbsp; Which lucky girls will be fit to join my harem?
:'''Dr. Leibowitz''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, okay.&amp;nbsp; Here's the first image.&amp;nbsp; [''holds up photo of a model in lingerie'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''both raise hands'']&amp;nbsp; Yes!&amp;nbsp; I'll take her! 
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, yeah, me, too.&amp;nbsp; [''turns to Butt-head'']&amp;nbsp; I saw her first, dillhole!
:'''Dr. Leibowitz''':&amp;nbsp; Hmm.&amp;nbsp; Let's go on.&amp;nbsp; [''holds up another photo'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Whoa!&amp;nbsp; [''raises his hand'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Wha-ha!&amp;nbsp; Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!!
:'''Dr. Leibowitz''':&amp;nbsp; Interesting.&amp;nbsp; Beavis, why didn't you raise your hand this time?&amp;nbsp; Didn't you find the image exciting?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''looks at Beavis'']&amp;nbsp; Uhh, Beavis's hands are busy, sir.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep187|The Miracle That Is Beavis]]&quot; [7.27]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [&lt;i&gt;upon seeing a commercial about a book titled &lt;/i&gt;Seize the Power&lt;i&gt;&lt;/i&gt;]&amp;nbsp; Hey Beavis…seize my weiner.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; Beavis!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Aaah!&amp;nbsp; [''scared'']
:'''Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; Damn it, you will listen when I'm talking'!!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; No way!&amp;nbsp; I'm sick of school and I'm sick of you!
:'''Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; ''What?!''&amp;nbsp; You get the hell out of here!!&amp;nbsp; I'll see you in detention!!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Okay, cool.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep188|Shopping Cart]]&quot; [7.28]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep189|Inventors]]&quot; [7.29]==
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''sees man chopping wood'']&amp;nbsp; I know.&amp;nbsp; Let's invent a tree.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Beavis.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; See, we could build one out of lumbers and two-by-fours and stuff, and then we could, like, tape some leaves— [''Butt-head slaps him''] Ow!!&amp;nbsp; See, that way, anyone who needs wood, but doesn't want to cut down his own tree, can just, like, buy our tree and cut it down, and then he— [''Butt-head slaps him again''] Ow!!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Why wouldn't he just go cut down his neighbor's tree, dumbass?&amp;nbsp; Now, quit wasting time.&amp;nbsp; We need to come up with a ''real'' money-making invention.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep190|Die Fly, Die!]]&quot; [7.30]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Now we need to get some of that bug spray.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Bug spray?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, when it lands on the garbage, we'll, like, spray poison on it, then it's gonna puke all over itself and die!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''pulling trash can into house'']&amp;nbsp; So, all we need to do is… [''turns around, sees Beavis taking a dump in the living room'']&amp;nbsp; Uhh!&amp;nbsp; Beavis, what the hell are you doing!?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''getting up'']&amp;nbsp; You said flies like to eat garbage and crap.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Look, Butt-head.&amp;nbsp; [''pulls out hedgetrimmer'']&amp;nbsp; Say &quot;hello&quot; to my little friend!

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep191|Drinking Butt-ies]]&quot; [7.31]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep192|Work Is Death]]&quot; [7.32]==
:'''Burger World manager''':&amp;nbsp; You don't get workers compensation for fighting, it has to be an accident.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; You mean we, like, need to poop in our pants?  

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep193|Breakdown]]&quot; [7.33]==

'''Principal McVicker''': B-b-but I don't want any visitors... I'm sick in the head!

'''Psychiatrist''': Seeing them is a first step towards resuming your duties as principal. After all, they're your students...

'''Principal McVicker''': No! They're demons sent straight from Hell!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
'''Psychiatrist''': Mr McVicker, what are we going to do with you? We tried everything from group counselling to physical isolation, and...

'''Beavis''': Did you try kicking him in the nads?

'''Psychiatrist''': Yeah, good idea.

'''Butt Head''': So, uh... Are gonna like use a straitjacket?

'''Beavis''': [excitedly] Yeah, straitjacket! Straitjacket!

[McVicker gets up and strangles Beavis]

'''Beavis''': Ahh! He's trying to kill me!

'''Psychiatrist''': Nurse, restrain him!

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep194|Graduation Day]]&quot; [7.34]==
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''':&amp;nbsp; This is called a mortar board, and it comes with this tassel which many graduates say is a momento of their special day.&amp;nbsp; Perhaps some of your older brothers and sisters still have theirs.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Oh yeah!&amp;nbsp; My uncle has one of those hanging on his dashboard.
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''':&amp;nbsp; Good, Butt-head!&amp;nbsp; He must have saved it from his own high school graduation.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh…no.&amp;nbsp; He didn't go to high school.&amp;nbsp; He got it [[w:pasties|off the boob]] of some chick in a nudey bar.  
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''':&amp;nbsp; Butt-head…there's a big difference in the meaning of the two.&amp;nbsp; I hope that someday you get to understand that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''':&amp;nbsp; Congratulations, Cassandra.&amp;nbsp; I know you'll go far in the world, okay?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Heheheheh…tassel.
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''':&amp;nbsp; Here you go, Butt-head.&amp;nbsp; You have many… qualities.&amp;nbsp; [''quietly and with a hint of embarrassment'']&amp;nbsp; Here's your diploma, Beavis.&amp;nbsp; [''while the other students return to their seats, Beavis and Butt-head walk out thinking it was an actual graduation'']

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep195|The Future of Beavis and Butt-head]]&quot; [7.35]==
:'''Job Counselor''':&amp;nbsp; So, which duty do you enjoy most?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Beavis enjoys all his doodies.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah.
:'''Job Counselor''':&amp;nbsp; Well, which do you enjoy most?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Um, well…I guess the ones that take a long time.
:'''Job Counselor''':&amp;nbsp; You like to get your hands dirty?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Well, yeah, sometimes.
:'''Job Counselor''':&amp;nbsp; Something you can really sink your teeth into?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Um…no, that's disgusting.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep196|Speech Therapy]]&quot; [7.36]==
:'''Principal McVicker''':&amp;nbsp; Uuhh, no!&amp;nbsp; Beavis and Butt-head, what the hell are you doing here?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Ehhh, like, two weeks ago, you told us we were suspended for, like, two weeks.&amp;nbsp; So I think, like, now, we might be done being suspended, or something?
:'''Principal McVicker''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh, god, I've been dreading this day.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, me, too!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, really, school sucks!
:'''Principal McVicker''':&amp;nbsp; You watch your mouth, little pain in the ass!&amp;nbsp; Ehh, whose class are you supposed to be in this morning?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Ehh, I think the teacher is a guy.&amp;nbsp; Ehh, Van…uhh Rigvantrison?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, yeah, something like that.
:'''Principal McVicker''':&amp;nbsp; Ooh, no.&amp;nbsp; Mr. Van Driessen took his class to the botanical gardens today.&amp;nbsp; Ooh, damn it!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, damn it!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, damn it, god damn son of a bitch!
:'''Principal McVicker''':&amp;nbsp; You little bastards, watch your language!&amp;nbsp; Ooh, wait a minute.&amp;nbsp; We've just got a new speech therapist on staff.&amp;nbsp; Maybe I'll stick you in her class.&amp;nbsp; Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; He said &quot;in her.&quot;
:'''Principal McVicker''':&amp;nbsp; Oh, no!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Oh, yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ms. Jenkins''':&amp;nbsp; Well, good morning everyone.&amp;nbsp; My name is Miss Jenkins and I'm a speech therapist.&amp;nbsp; And I guess a lot of you were wondering, &quot;Why do I need speech therapy?&quot;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah.
:'''Ms. Jenkins''':&amp;nbsp; &quot;I already know how to speak.&amp;nbsp; What can I learn here?&quot;&amp;nbsp; You know, sometimes people don't even realize they have a speech impediment.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; What's a speech im-pediment?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Speech im-pediments suck!
:'''Ms. Jenkins''':&amp;nbsp; A person shouldn't be ashamed of having a speech impediment.&amp;nbsp; As a matter of fact, many highly intelligent and creative people are speech impaired.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Hey Beavis, that dude has boobs.
:'''Ms. Jenkins''':&amp;nbsp; And once they begin to be more aware of how they sound, they are better able to correct themselves.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Butt-head, that what I think it is?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, this class is cool.
:'''Ms. Jenkins''':&amp;nbsp; Well, I'm glad to hear that Butt-head and we're all glad to have you on our little speech team.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Eee, can you get out of the way?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, really.
:'''Ms. Jenkins''':&amp;nbsp; Well, I'll tell you what boys.&amp;nbsp; I have some other pictures in my briefcase that are even more interesting than that one.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Really?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; What could be more interesting than this?
:'''Ms. Jenkins''':&amp;nbsp; Well, how about a picture taken from right up inside the larynx?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Whoa, no way!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; How could you get a camera up there?
:'''Ms. Jenkins''':&amp;nbsp; Well, I'll be happy to show you after you practice this next exercise, okay?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; This is gonna be cool.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, yeah, boi-oi-oi…
:'''Ms. Jenkins''':&amp;nbsp; Okay, now, we're going to use these mirrors to observe our lips, and teeth, and tongue during speech.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Butt-munch, dill-weed.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Ass-wipe, butt-hole.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Ass-munch
:'''Ms. Jenkins''':&amp;nbsp; Butt-head, this might be a good time to work on your 'S.'
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Eeeh, I didn't know my ass needed any work.
:'''Ms. Jenkins''':&amp;nbsp; Now, don't get defensive, Butt-head; I just want to try to clean it up a little, okay?&amp;nbsp; Now try this.&amp;nbsp; Make a 'T' sound, then throw it out like this.&amp;nbsp; Everyone, let's try to help Butt-head, okay?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, Beavis, check it out!
:'''Ms. Jenkins''':&amp;nbsp; Settle down please, all right boys?&amp;nbsp; Okay.&amp;nbsp; What I'd like everyone to do is to repeat these sentences while watching your mouth in your mirrors, okay?&amp;nbsp; All right, here goes:&amp;nbsp; &quot;Speaking slowly as such can say just as much.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Whoa, she just said &quot;ass munch&quot;!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, this chick rules.&amp;nbsp; &quot;Ass munch&quot;!
:'''Ms. Jenkins''':&amp;nbsp; Very good, boys!&amp;nbsp; &quot;As much.&quot;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Ass munch!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Ass munch!
:'''Ms. Jenkins''':&amp;nbsp; All right, let's try this one:&amp;nbsp; &quot;Half haste helps, but whole haste hinders.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Whoa, she just said &quot;butthole&quot;! 
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, yeah, butthole!
:'''Ms. Jenkins''':&amp;nbsp; &quot;But whole haste…&quot;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, yeah: butthole, butthole!&amp;nbsp; This is cool.&amp;nbsp; Bunghole!
:'''Ms. Jenkins''':&amp;nbsp; No, no, Beavis, listen closely.&amp;nbsp; &quot;But whole,&quot; &quot;but whole.&quot;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Oooh, yeah, yeah.
:'''Principal McVicker''':&amp;nbsp; I just came by to see if those two little bastards have done anything I ccould suspend them for.
:'''Ms. Jenkins''':&amp;nbsp; Actually, Principal McVicker, these boys have done very well.&amp;nbsp; Beavis, Butt-head, would you like to show your principal what you've learned today?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Assmunch
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; And butthole.&amp;nbsp; Butthole.
:'''Principal McVicker''':&amp;nbsp; Watch your mouth, you little sons of bitches!
:'''Ms. Jenkins''':&amp;nbsp; Principal, please.&amp;nbsp; Now I don't want you to take this to the wrong way, principal, but I've noticed that you have a little trouble expressing yourself sometimes.
:'''Principal McVicker''':&amp;nbsp; What?
:'''Butt-head''': &amp;nbsp;McVicker is a dumbass.&amp;nbsp; He doesn't know how to talk to chicks.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, really.&amp;nbsp; He's probably like &quot;…&quot; Boi-oi-oi…

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep197|Our Founding Losers]]&quot; [7.37]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''as [[Paul Revere]] riding into town'']&amp;nbsp; Uhh, the [[Yiddish]] are coming.&amp;nbsp; Huh-huh-huh.&amp;nbsp; The Yiddish are coming.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''as [[Abraham Lincoln]] giving the Gettysburg Address'']&amp;nbsp; When I almost scored with four chicks seven years ago, this one chick's father brought forth upon me a prostitute.&amp;nbsp; Huh-huh.&amp;nbsp; Because some dudes just weren't created equal.&amp;nbsp; Huh-huh.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Beavis is having a dream of the writing of the [[United States Declaration of Independence|Declaration of Independence]]; Thomas Jefferson is dictating and Beavis is dressed like [[Benjamin Franklin]]'']
:'''[[Thomas Jefferson]]''':&amp;nbsp; &quot;All Men are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable Rights, and among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.&quot;&amp;nbsp; Have you anything to add, Compatriot Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, um, heh-heh, okay.&amp;nbsp; Um, heh-heh, yeah, yeah, how about this?&amp;nbsp; &quot;All chicks shall, um, heh-heh, be required to do it with us, huh-huh, at all times, yeah.&amp;nbsp; He-he.&amp;nbsp; [[w:E pluribus unum|E pluribus unum.]]&amp;nbsp; He-he, yeah, he-he.&quot;
:'''Thomas Jefferson''': A ''damn'' fine idea, lad.
:'''All''':&amp;nbsp; Hear, hear!
:*The actual text of that line of the Declaration of Independence reads:
:**We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness
:*Jefferson's original rough draft read:
:**We hold these truths to be sacred &amp; undeniable; that all men are created equal &amp; independant, that from that equal creation they derive rights inherent &amp; inalienable, among which are the preservation of life, &amp; liberty, &amp; the pursuit of happiness

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butthead''': Uh... Ok.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Hmm... Let's see... um...
:'''Butthead''': Uh...
:'''Buzzcut''': So?
:'''Butt-head''': What?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. So what?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''to Coach Buzzcut'']&amp;nbsp; Once we tried to &quot;found&quot; Beavis's father, but we never did because his mom's a slut.
:*This episode aired after ''[[Beavis and Butt-head Do America]]'' was released, in which, unbeknownst to Beavis or Butt-head, the duo meet their fathers.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep198|Leave It to Beavis]]&quot; [7.38]==
:'''Beaver''':&amp;nbsp; [''on t.v.'']&amp;nbsp; Gee Wally, Dad said not to.&amp;nbsp; And besides, I don't want him to holler at me.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhuhuhuh…beaver.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, yeah, Beaver kicks ass.&amp;nbsp; But it's, like, um, that's not really what stuff was like back then.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah.&amp;nbsp; It's like, if this was real, and it was like the '50s, things would be all different and stuff.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Todd''':&amp;nbsp; So, Beaver…
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; The name's Beavis, sir.
:'''Todd''':&amp;nbsp; Well excuse me, ''Beaver''.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mrs. Steveson''':&amp;nbsp; Now, dear, don't you think you should go to work today?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, no.&amp;nbsp; [''rubs her arm'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Todd''':&amp;nbsp; Now get in there and get me some smokes.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Are you sure I should be doing this?
:'''Todd''':&amp;nbsp; What did you say?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; I said are you—
:'''Todd''':&amp;nbsp; [''revs car so the rest of Beavis's words aren't heard'']&amp;nbsp; Listen, squirt, you better get in there and get me some smokes before today's lesson turns into Ass-kicking 101.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Store owner''':&amp;nbsp; Well, hey, there, Master Cleaver, aren't you supposed to be in school?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Well, I guess so, b-but all I know is I'm s'posed to come in here and buy some cigarettes.
:'''Store owner''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, you wouldn't be buying these for Eddy, now, would ya?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; …Gee, how'd you know?&amp;nbsp; [''store owner looks out window, sees Todd smoking; canned laughter'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Store owner''':&amp;nbsp; Tell Eddy it's against the law for me to sell cigarettes to a boy your age.&amp;nbsp; And then, tell him cigarettes cause cancer.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Y-yeah but, if I tell him that, he might get all sore 'n stuff.&amp;nbsp; A-and then he's liable to beat me up.
:'''Store owner''':&amp;nbsp; Well, if he tries that, you tell him that's against the law, too.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Woah.&amp;nbsp; What happened, uh, son?
:'''Todd''':&amp;nbsp; It seems that little Beaver here ran afoul of some asphalt.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh huh huh…asphalt.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mrs. Stevenson''':&amp;nbsp; Aren't you being a little hard on the Beavis?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Huh huh huh, hard.&amp;nbsp; Huhuhuhuh, on.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep199|Butt Flambe&lt;!--There is no accent over the 'e' on the title card; see: http://i.imgur.com/ULxrBWw.jpg --&gt;]]&quot; [7.39]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, is this the hostipal? 
:'''Guy''':&amp;nbsp; Can I help you? 
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; You can tell me if this is a damn hostipal.
:'''Guy''':&amp;nbsp; Yes, and what's your problem?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''looks at Beavis'']&amp;nbsp; He's the one with the problem.&amp;nbsp; Look at him.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''scared'']&amp;nbsp; My butt ''hurts''!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Guy''':&amp;nbsp; We got a crispy critter!
:[''Beavis whimpering'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''chuckling'']&amp;nbsp; &quot;Crispy critter.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''horrified and panicking'']&amp;nbsp; I'll never poop again!!

==&quot;[[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)#&quot;Beavis and Butt-head Do Thanksgiving&quot; .5BTG.1.5D|Beavis and Butt-head Do Thanksgiving]]&quot; [TG.1]==
Note:&amp;nbsp; See [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)#&quot;Beavis and Butt-head Do Thanksgiving&quot; .5BTG.1.5D|''Beavis and Butt-head'' (specials)]] for quotes from this [[Thanksgiving]] special.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep200|Beavis and Butt-head Are Dead]]&quot; [7.40]==
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Um, hey, Butt-head, I think the phone is ringing.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, well, make it stop.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''answering phone'']&amp;nbsp; Um…who are you?
:'''McVicker's secretary''':&amp;nbsp; This is Highland High calling.&amp;nbsp; We're trying to figure out why Beavis and Butt-head haven't been in school for the past three weeks.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Oh.&amp;nbsp; Um…yeah, they're dead.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''':&amp;nbsp; Students, can I have your attention?&amp;nbsp; There's been a terrible tragedy…and I wanted you to hear it from me first—
:'''Principal McVicker''':&amp;nbsp; [''over PA'']&amp;nbsp; Listen up!&amp;nbsp; Beavis and Butt-head are dead!&amp;nbsp; There will be an emergency meeting in the teachers' conference room in five minutes, followed by a brief party.&amp;nbsp; Whoo!&amp;nbsp; Yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Principal McVicker''':&amp;nbsp; [''giving speech at fund-raiser'']&amp;nbsp; I would gladly give back all the money, just to see Beavis and Butt-head one more time.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Okay, McDicker, give us some money.
:'''Principal McVicker''':&amp;nbsp; What!?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Where the hell are the dead people?
:'''Principal McVicker''':&amp;nbsp; Uhhh, you're supposed to be dead!&amp;nbsp; [''struggles with Beavis and Butt-head; sees the memories of the boys' antics; has a heart attack'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Whoa!&amp;nbsp; A dead body!&amp;nbsp; Check it out!
:'''Coach Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; Give the man some air!&amp;nbsp; He's not dead yet!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the final lines of the original run of the series as the boys walk off to the strings of love music and sirens—with the money collected in their names'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, Beavis, did you see McVicker?&amp;nbsp; He was, like, &quot;Uh, uh, uh,&quot; and then Buzzcut made out with him.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, that was cool.&amp;nbsp; We should go to school early tomorrow, you know, in case someone else dies.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Dumbass, [''the two begin walking off into the sunset''] we're rich; we don't have to go to school ever again.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's pretty damn cool.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh huh huh, yeah.
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''simultaneously, laughing for the last time'']&amp;nbsp; Heh heh heh mh heh heh heh… Uh huh huh huh huh huh huh…
:[''screen fades out and a title card reads '''THE END''''']

==Cast==
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Beavis|Beavis]] 
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—David Van Driessen&lt;!--Full name is revealed to be David Van Driessen in his first appearance, &quot;Peace, Love and Understanding&quot; (pilot 2).--&gt;
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—Principal McVicker
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—Coach Buzzcut
*Rottilio Michieli—Todd Ianuzzi

==External links==
*{{Official website|http://www.mtv.com/shows/beavis_and_butthead/}}
*{{IMDb title|0105950|Beavis and Butt-Head}}

&lt;center&gt;[[Beavis and Butt-head (pilots)|Pilots]] • Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music videos]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience|Album]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]&lt;/center&gt;

[[Category:Beavis and Butt-head seasons]]</text>
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    <title>Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)</title>
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'''''[[Beavis and Butt-head]]''''' (1993–1997, 2011) was an [[United States of America|American]] animated [[television]] series that originally aired on the cable television channel [[w:MTV|MTV]].&amp;nbsp; It followed the misadventures of two teenagers, [[w:Beavis|Beavis]] and [[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]].&amp;nbsp; '''[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#Season 5 (1994–95)|Season five]]''' originally aired from 31 October 1994 to 12 October 1995.

{{center|
[[Beavis and Butt-head (pilots)|Pilots]] • Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music videos]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience|Album]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]
}}

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep94|Held Back]]&quot; [5.01]==
:[''in a kindergarten class'']
:'''[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, Beavis.&amp;nbsp; These chicks are flat.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kindergarden teacher''':&amp;nbsp; Butt-head, are you angry?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; I'm, like, angry at numbers.
:'''[[w:Beavis|Beavis]]''':&amp;nbsp; There's, like, too many of 'em and stuff.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kindergarten Teacher''':&amp;nbsp; [to Principal McVicker'']&amp;nbsp; Either get these two imbeciles out my class, or get yourself a new kindergarten teacher!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Principal McVicker''':&amp;nbsp; Star pupils?&amp;nbsp; My ass!&amp;nbsp; These two are morons!
:'''Wilson Elementary Principal''':&amp;nbsp; You just weren't reaching them.&amp;nbsp; They've learned everything they're going to learn in elementary school.&amp;nbsp; Their young minds need room to grow, so we graduated them early.&amp;nbsp; And they're not coming back.&amp;nbsp; [''walks off'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''to McVicker'']&amp;nbsp; You just weren't reaching us, dude.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, and if you try reaching for us, I'll kick you in the nads!
:'''McVicker''':&amp;nbsp; Oh, for crying out loud!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''in the 8th grade'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; So, have you ever like been with an older man?&amp;nbsp; [''laughs'']
:'''Girl&lt;!-- A previous editor called this character Quinn on the grounds that said character looks like the character of Quinn from the show ''Daria'' --&gt;''':&amp;nbsp; [''creeped out'']&amp;nbsp; Leave me alone, you loser.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''laughs'']&amp;nbsp; Loser.
:''''Butt-head''''; Shut up, dillhole! [slaps Beavis]
:''''Beavis'''; Aah! Butthole!

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep95|Killing Time]]&quot; [5.02]==
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Hey Butt-head.&amp;nbsp; I think I might throw up.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Cool.&amp;nbsp; That might like, take some time.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''leans over and gags, then coughs'']&amp;nbsp; …I can't do it.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''gags as well'']&amp;nbsp; Uh…me neither.&amp;nbsp; And there's like, an hour and a lot of minutes before something cool's on [[t.v.]]&amp;nbsp; Time sucks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''holding an empty garbage can'']&amp;nbsp; Now remember the rules, Beavis.&amp;nbsp; I throw it at you, then you throw it at me.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Um, I don't get it.&amp;nbsp; How do you win?&amp;nbsp; [''is hit in the head with the can, and falls over'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''laughs''] That was cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; What do we do now?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh…we could do homework.
:[''both laugh'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Stewart''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, guys, what are you doing?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, Butt-head.&amp;nbsp; Stewart can like, kill some time.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, yeah.&amp;nbsp; Say something, Stewart.
:'''Stewart''':&amp;nbsp; Really?&amp;nbsp; You wanna talk to me?&amp;nbsp; Wow, that's cool.&amp;nbsp; Let's go to the mall, I know this great new place-
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''interrupting'']&amp;nbsp; This sucks.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah.&amp;nbsp; [''both get up and leave'']
:'''Stewart''':&amp;nbsp; [''not realising they have left'']&amp;nbsp; We could go to my house.&amp;nbsp; I have this awesome new video game.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep96|Beard Boys]]&quot; [5.03]==
:[''the duo are watching a movie with a woman and a bearded man in bed together'']
:'''Woman on TV''':&amp;nbsp; Oh Steve, my career as a leading molecular biologist seems so far away.
:'''Man''':&amp;nbsp; Yea, but I'm not.
:'''Woman''':&amp;nbsp; Damn you're smooth.&amp;nbsp; Oooooohhhhh!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Whoa!&amp;nbsp; We gotta get us one of those!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; What, a testicular biologist?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; No, dumbass, a beard.&amp;nbsp; We don't score because chicks don't think we're manly enough.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; You know what they say, Beavis, when you walk the walk you gotta…uhhh, talk, too.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; What's that mean?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; It means we gotta hit on the chicks, assmunch.&amp;nbsp; Otherwise, they'll just think we're, like, all looks.&amp;nbsp; Check out those chicks over there!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, baby.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, baby.&amp;nbsp; Check out our beards.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Damn, we're smooth.
:'''Girl''':&amp;nbsp; We're gonna call the cops if y'all don't leave us alone.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; That sucked.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''repeated line''
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Damn, we're/you're smooth.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep97|Choke]]&quot; [5.04]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''choking'']&amp;nbsp; Beavis?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; I'm…[''gasps'']…I'm…[''gasps again'']…I'm…
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Agh, I hate this stupid game.&amp;nbsp; [''Butt-head grabs Beavis's throat'']&amp;nbsp; Agh ahg!&amp;nbsp; Uhh, choking, your choking?&amp;nbsp; [''Butt-head knods, points to the box of chicken nuggets on the couch'']&amp;nbsp; Uh, chicken?&amp;nbsp; Your choking your chicken?&amp;nbsp; [''Butt-head knods'']&amp;nbsp; So what do you want me to do about it?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''choking'']&amp;nbsp; Beavis!&amp;nbsp; Beavis!&amp;nbsp; I'm choking!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, so.&amp;nbsp; What do you want me to do about it?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Call 911!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Why don't you call?&amp;nbsp; You're closer.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; You're closer, dumb-ass.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Oh, yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''911 operator''':&amp;nbsp; What's the emergency, sir?&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis laughs'']&amp;nbsp; Is there an emergency, sir?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Butt-head's, like, choking.&amp;nbsp; Heh heh, on chicken.
:'''911 operator''':&amp;nbsp; Have you performed the Heimlich?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Uhm, is this, like, one of those 976 numbers?&amp;nbsp; Heh, what are you wearing?
:'''911 operator''':&amp;nbsp; I repeat, have you heimliched the victim?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Have I licked his rectum?&amp;nbsp; Heh, No way!&amp;nbsp; But uh, one time me and Butt-head were playing truth or dare, and uh…
:'''911 operator''':&amp;nbsp; Sir, please.&amp;nbsp; If you want to save your friend's life, you need to perform the [[w:Heimlich Manœuver|Heimlich manœuver]].
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''looks down at Butt-head's butt'']&amp;nbsp; Uhm…heh, he's not really my friend.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Boys playing basketball''':&amp;nbsp; [''to a boy taking a foul shot''] Choke!&amp;nbsp; Choke!&amp;nbsp; Choke!&amp;nbsp; Choke!&amp;nbsp; Choke!&amp;nbsp; Choke!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''joining in'']&amp;nbsp; Yeah, yeah, choke!&amp;nbsp; Choke!!&amp;nbsp; [''remembering Butt-head is choking'']&amp;nbsp; Uhh…nachos, yeah, nachos.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep98|Safe House]]&quot; [5.05]==
:'''Todd''':&amp;nbsp; Get the door, you turds.&amp;nbsp; And remember: act dumb.&amp;nbsp; Oh, and bring some of those marshmallow crackers next time, or I'll stomp a mudhole in your ass!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the boys look at the two police officers at their doorstep via the peephole'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Whoa.&amp;nbsp; Todd's even cooler than we thought.&amp;nbsp; [''opens door'']
:'''Police officer #1''':&amp;nbsp; We're looking for a person named Todd.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, he's not here.&amp;nbsp; Uh huh huh.
:'''Police officer #1''':&amp;nbsp; That's not what I heard from.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, sirs.&amp;nbsp; I'm afraid I have to kick your ass.&amp;nbsp; Huh huh.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; And I will kick you in the nads.
:[''the police drag the boys out the door and arrest them'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Ow!&amp;nbsp; Cut it out!&amp;nbsp; Don't make me kick your ass!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Don't make me kick you in the nads!

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep99|Hard Sell]]&quot; [5.06]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Huh huh…number one…

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, yeah, yeah…tinkleh tinkleh tinkle!

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep100|Walkathon]]&quot; [5.07]==
:'''Stewart''':&amp;nbsp; Socko's great.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, huh, huh, huh…Socko has a hand up his butt.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep101|Temporary Insanity]]&quot; [5.08]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''sitting on the photocopier'']&amp;nbsp; Would you like a copy of my butt?

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep102|Dude, a Reward]]&quot; [5.09]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep103|Walking Erect]]&quot; [5.10]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Do have any big dogs?
:'''Zookeeper''':&amp;nbsp; Wild animals only.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, do have any ''woodpeckers''?&amp;nbsp; Huh huh huh.&amp;nbsp; ''[[erection|Wood]]''peckers.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep104|Career Day]]&quot; [5.11]==
:[''Beavis and Butt-head, working as security guards of the mall, questioning the customer'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Did you pay for that, ma'am?
:'''Female shopper''':&amp;nbsp; Yes.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; May I see your receipt, please?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah.&amp;nbsp; Heh heh.&amp;nbsp; May I see your slit?
:'''Female shopper''':&amp;nbsp; [''insulted'']&amp;nbsp; Excuse me?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh…could we, like, rescue?
:'''Female shopper''':&amp;nbsp; I don't think so!
:[''the security guard arrives at the scene'']
:'''Security guard''':&amp;nbsp; What are you doing with your jobs?&amp;nbsp; Let me handle this!&amp;nbsp; [''to customer'']&amp;nbsp; Did you purchase that, ma'am?
:'''Female shopper''':&amp;nbsp; Yes, I did!
:'''Security guard''':&amp;nbsp; [''embarrassed with shame'']&amp;nbsp; I apologize, ma'am, for misunderstanding.&amp;nbsp; It was just a cavity search.&amp;nbsp; [''laughs nervously'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, yeah, yeah.&amp;nbsp; Heh heh heh.
:[''furiously, the shopper slapped the security guard in the face'']
:'''Female shopper''':&amp;nbsp; Ugh!&amp;nbsp; White trash, lousy officer, piece of… ''[sighs in disgust, walks away'']
:[''the security guard began to laugh stupidly as Beavis and Butt-head laughs with him'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Security is cool.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep105|Plastic Surgin']]&quot; [5.12]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, we could do that so that we could get bigger thingies.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''looks down his shirt'']&amp;nbsp; Mine are big enough already.&amp;nbsp; Heh, it's not worth the risk.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Not bigger boobs, dumbass; like, we could get bigger wieners.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; We're gonna need bigger hands.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep106|Take a Number]]&quot; [5.13]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep107|Beaverly Buttbillies]]&quot; [5.14]==
:[''digging for oil in their yard'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, Beavis.&amp;nbsp; We're in a hole.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Oh, yeah.&amp;nbsp; Hole.&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis hits a pipe with his shovel'']&amp;nbsp; Hey, Butt-head!&amp;nbsp; Butt-head!&amp;nbsp; I just, like, felt something.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''thinking he meant a boner'']&amp;nbsp; Uh…okay.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Oh, yeah.&amp;nbsp; Wait, no, no.&amp;nbsp; I mean, I felt something, like, with my shovel.&amp;nbsp; Come here, check it out.&amp;nbsp; [''bangs on the pipe with his shovel, makes a hole in it; sewage starts coming out'']&amp;nbsp; It's oil!&amp;nbsp; It's oil, Butt-head!&amp;nbsp; We've struck oil!&amp;nbsp; It's oil!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Cool!&amp;nbsp; A bubbling crude.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah.&amp;nbsp; Oil, that is.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Black gold.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Texas tea.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''smelling it'']&amp;nbsp; Ugh!&amp;nbsp; Oil smells like turds.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah.&amp;nbsp; I bet that's why it's so expensive.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep108|Tainted Meat]]&quot; [5.15]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Damn it, Beavis, put that away.&amp;nbsp; You're not supposed to have your penis out while you're cooking.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Oh…oh yeah.&amp;nbsp; [''angry customer drives away'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Err, can I take your order?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh…what seems to be the problem there, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; My thingie itches.&amp;nbsp;  It's like the wrong [[color]] or something…check it out.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh…no thanks, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''continuing to scratch his pubic area'']&amp;nbsp; Ow, rrr, ehh!&amp;nbsp; Ahh!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''News reporter''':&amp;nbsp; An outbreak of tainted meat has struck the local Burger World, and once again raised the question of how meat should be handled.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Huhuhuh…ask the expert.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp;  Shut up, Butt-head!&amp;nbsp; [''continues scratching'']
:'''News reporter''':&amp;nbsp; Pending a health inspection, Burger World will remain closed.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; This sucks!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah!&amp;nbsp; We lost our jobs!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp;  No!&amp;nbsp; My weiner still itches!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Face it, Beavis, you have a problem with your penis.&amp;nbsp; Maybe you should wash it or something.
:'''Beavis''':Yeah, I'll just…wait, with water?&amp;nbsp; No way, then it'll get all wet.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Life is hard, Beavis.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep109|Stewart Moves Away]]&quot; [5.16]==
:[''Beavis and Butt-head are watching a pay-per-view program on Stewart's [[t.&amp;nbsp;v.]]'']
:'''Announcer''':&amp;nbsp; Warning.&amp;nbsp; The following feature presentation is not rated.&amp;nbsp; It contains scenes of full frontal nudity and extreme violence.&amp;nbsp; Viewer discretion is advised.
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Yes!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yes!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Discretion is cool.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Pay-per-view rules.&amp;nbsp; It rules!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Stewart's dad's dirty magazines.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; We've torn out all the pages with butts on them, but there's still plenty of good boobs left.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Stewart and his parents arrived back home, but seen everything broke.'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; How's it going?
:'''Stewart's Dad''':&amp;nbsp; Beavis? Butt-Head? What happened?! Where's the couch?! Where's the [[t.&amp;nbsp;v.]]?!
:'''Butt-Head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh, the movers took it dude.
:'''Stewart's Dad''':&amp;nbsp; OHHHH!! Movers?! You idiots! We've been robbed!
:'''Butt-Head''':&amp;nbsp; Robbed? We were here all day. We didn't see any robbers.
:'''Stewart''':&amp;nbsp; You guys are in big trouble.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep110|Top o' the Mountain]]&quot; [5.17]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Beavis, I have seen the top of the mountain, and it is good.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep111|Party]]&quot; [5.18]==
:'''[[Homelessness|Bum]]''':&amp;nbsp; [''to Butt-head'']&amp;nbsp; Do you have any spokisus?

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep112|Wet Behind the Rears]]&quot; [5.19]==
:[''Beavis and Butt-head are watching various sport activities'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Pole-vaulters.&amp;nbsp; Baton Passers.&amp;nbsp; Javelin throwers.&amp;nbsp; [''a javelin hits Beavis's hand; Beavis screams'']&amp;nbsp; Whoa.&amp;nbsp; [''Butt-head removes javelin from Beavis'']&amp;nbsp; You dumbass.&amp;nbsp; I'd warn you.
:'''Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; [''blows whistle'']&amp;nbsp; All right, men!&amp;nbsp; Hit the showers!&amp;nbsp; Now!&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis and Butt-head laugh'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''in the showers'']
:'''Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; Where in the hell do you think you're going?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhhh…to class?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Umm…yeah, yeah, to class—me, too.
:'''Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; Maybe you didn't hear me when I told you to hit the showers!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh, we thought you were, like, talking to somebody else?
:'''Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; I was talking to everybody!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; But, like, uhh…we didn't  sweat.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.&amp;nbsp; If it's all the same, sir, um, I'd just like to wait till I get home to take a shower.&amp;nbsp; That'll be great.
:'''Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; Look at you boy!&amp;nbsp; You're covered in crap!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Uhmmm…that was last week.&amp;nbsp; This is blood, sir.
:'''Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; Name of this class is Physical Education!&amp;nbsp; And that includes proper personal hygiene!&amp;nbsp; Hit the showers now, or fail!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhhh…well, it looks kinda crowded in there.
:'''Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; Do I have to undress you myself, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, no?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; No?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; This sucks.&amp;nbsp; I hate taking showers.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, I don't want some naked dudes standing with a schlong right next to me.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, really!&amp;nbsp; I don't want some naked dude standing next to me with his schlong slinging around saying, &quot;Hey, good game, man.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; And you better not look at me, fart-knocker, or I'll kick your ass.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; You look at me, I'm gonna kick your ass.
:'''Guy''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, Beavis and Butt-head, are you guys gonna finally take a shower?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhhh…ummm…hey, dude.
:'''Guy''':&amp;nbsp; I've never seen you guys take a shower before.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhhh…yeah.
:'''Guy''':&amp;nbsp; How come you guys never take a shower?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, Beavis, it's all clear.
:'''Guy''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, Beavis, can you help me with this?&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis screams'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; I am beginning to wonder if you boys have ever taken a shower in your lives.&amp;nbsp; What in the hell do you think you're doing with your underwear still on?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Um, we don't want anybody looking at our nads.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, are you one of those gym teachers that likes to hang out and watch dudes in the shower?
:'''Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; Damn iit, boys, you have pushed me to the limit!&amp;nbsp; You're not getting out of it this time!&amp;nbsp; I'm gonna tear your—&amp;nbsp; [''fire alarm goes off'']&amp;nbsp; That's the fire alarm!&amp;nbsp; Now hurry up and get out of here!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Dude, we have been saved by the power supreme.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, fire drills rule.
:'''Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; Are you deaf?&amp;nbsp; That's the fire alarm!&amp;nbsp; Get the hell out of here now!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhhh…we're just gonna, like, get dressed first.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; We'll be right out.&amp;nbsp; See you later.
:'''Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; That is a ''fire alarm''!&amp;nbsp; That means the school may be burning down!&amp;nbsp; Now, if you don't get the hell out of here, I'm gonna personally grab you by the grundies ''and drag you outside in front of the entire student body!&amp;nbsp; So get the hell out!&amp;nbsp; Now!''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''next to the entrance'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhhh…uhhh…
:'''Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; Get out there before I drag you out!&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis and Butt-head go outside'']
:'''Girl''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, look, it's Beavis and Butt-head!&amp;nbsp; [''every student outside starts to laugh at Beavis and Butt-head in their undies; inside, Principal McVicker is seen holding down the fire alarm switch'']
:'''McVicker''':&amp;nbsp; Uhhh…good job!
:'''Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; Too bad!&amp;nbsp; Another minute and they might have been naked!&amp;nbsp; [''Buzzcut and McVicker laugh'']
:'''McVicker''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah.&amp;nbsp; Look at them.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep113|Bad Dog]]&quot; [5.20]==
:'''Narrator on t.v.''':&amp;nbsp; We'll be right back with more of the life cycle of the dung beetle right after this.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Huh, huh, huh.&amp;nbsp; Dung.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah.&amp;nbsp; Dung.
:'''Dog on t.v.''':&amp;nbsp; It's cold in here.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, Butt-head, that dog just talked.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; He did not, dumbass.
:'''Dog on t.v.''':&amp;nbsp; Won't you please take me into your nice, warm home?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; See, his lips aren't moving.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Oh, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; He's, like, communicating tele-pathetically.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Oh, yeah.
:'''V.O. announcer''':&amp;nbsp; Every year, we kill thousands of dogs like the ones you see here, just because they weren't adopted in time.&amp;nbsp; We don't like to do it, but we have to.&amp;nbsp; It's the law.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Whoa.
:'''V.O. announcer''':&amp;nbsp; Adopt a dog now, before it's too late.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, Beavis, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah.&amp;nbsp; Those dung beetles are pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Dumbass.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Our dog's gonna be cool.&amp;nbsp; We'll have to, like, teach him to do cool tricks and stuff.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah.&amp;nbsp; Sit, boy.&amp;nbsp; Sit.&amp;nbsp; Sit.&amp;nbsp; Sit or I'll kick your ass.&amp;nbsp; Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; That's not a cool trick.&amp;nbsp;  A cool trick is, like, to teach him to, like, bite stuff.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, yeah.&amp;nbsp; Bite, bite, bite.&amp;nbsp; Bite everything.&amp;nbsp; Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; We're gonna teach him to, like, bite stuff that sucks.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, yeah.&amp;nbsp; Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; This is gonna be cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Animal shelter worker''':&amp;nbsp; You do know what a dog like this eats?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh…garbage.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Animal shelter worker''':&amp;nbsp; If your dog goes to the bathroom in the house, what do you do?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''fending off the dog in the background'']&amp;nbsp; Rub his nose in it.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh…I'd kick his ass.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Rub his nose in it, ''then'' kick his ass.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep114|Lightning Strikes]]&quot; [5.21]==
:'''T.V. voiceover''':&amp;nbsp; You're watching PBS.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; He said &quot;B.S.&quot;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; But first he said &quot;pee.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''both look in amazement at the documentary, and the lightning outside'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Get the kite, Beavis.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep115|Dream On]]&quot; [5.22]==
:[&lt;i&gt;Beavis dreams that he's on &lt;/i&gt;[[Kung Fu (TV series)|Kung Fu]]&lt;i&gt;&lt;/i&gt;]
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; But, Master, does not the fire needs water, too?&amp;nbsp; Does not the mountain needs the storm?&amp;nbsp; Does not your scrotum needs kicking?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[&lt;i&gt;Butt-head dreams that he's on &lt;/i&gt;[[Star Trek: The Next Generation]]&lt;i&gt;&lt;/i&gt;]
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Number 1, I order you to take a Number Two.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Aye-aye, Captain.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[&lt;i&gt;Butt-head dreams he's on &lt;/i&gt;The [[Oprah Winfrey]] Show&lt;i&gt;, surrounded by women, with the headline, &quot;Butt-head: Sleeps With Chicks&quot;&lt;/i&gt;]
:'''Oprah''':&amp;nbsp; Butt-head, you've slept with over 5,000 women.&amp;nbsp; How do you explain the attraction to you?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh…just look at me!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Butt-head dreams that he is on ''[[The Brady Bunch]]'', his face is in a square alongside the three girls'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''chorus'']&amp;nbsp; Here's the story of a guy named Butt-head, who was horny for three very lovely girls…
:[''Beavis's face in a square pops up'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''chorus'']&amp;nbsp; Then along came a guy named Beavis, he was horny, too.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep116|Candy Sale]]&quot; [5.23]==
:'''Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; All right, losers: remember, you're competing against other classes, and I'll be damned if my class is gonna lose!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mr. Candy''':&amp;nbsp; They're a real bargain at only $2 each.&amp;nbsp; Heck, they practically sell themselves!&amp;nbsp; Now, what if I told you that the richest man in the world—
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''mockingly'']&amp;nbsp; Blah blah blah blah blaaah bluhhh-ehhh!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''in imitation'']&amp;nbsp; Blaaaah-blaaaah, heck, they practically sell themselves, ehhhh!
:'''Mr. Candy''':&amp;nbsp; Well, you two seem to be real know-it-alls.&amp;nbsp; Why don't you tell us what you're gonna say when a customer says &quot;no&quot;?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhhhh, I'd say, &quot;Blah blah blah blah blah-leuuuh-luh!&quot;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''in imitation again'']&amp;nbsp; Blah blah blah blah, what do you say when a customer says no?&amp;nbsp; You seem to know it all!&amp;nbsp; Blah blah blah-blah-blah-blah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, our school's making us sell candy.
:'''Beavis''':Yeah, we're losers.
:'''Mr. Anderson''':&amp;nbsp; What in the hell kind of sales approach is that?&amp;nbsp; You boys couldn't sell a dollar for 50 cents.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; They're two dollars, butt-munch.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah! Don't try to rip us off!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Hey beavis. He said what's in your pocket.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; He's a pocket fisherman.
:'''Mr. Candy''':&amp;nbsp; Oh no, you're not gonna pull that on me again!&amp;nbsp; It took me six months to get another job.&amp;nbsp; [''grabs Beavis'']&amp;nbsp; Now give me the rest of the money, you little twerp!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Ahhh!&amp;nbsp; He's trying to touch my wiener!&amp;nbsp; Let go, pervert!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Kick him in the nads, Beavis!
:'''Mr. Candy''':&amp;nbsp; [''grabs Butt-head as well'']&amp;nbsp; You too, you little farter!
:'''Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; [''enters'']&amp;nbsp; What in the hell are you doing?!&amp;nbsp; This is my class, I do the ass-kicking around here!
:'''Mr. Candy''':&amp;nbsp; Wait your turn, Jarhead!&amp;nbsp; [''slaps Buzzcut; Buzzcut's face turns red with anger'']
:'''Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; You just made a fatal mistake, Mr. Candy-ass!&amp;nbsp; I hope you're familiar with a little hand to hand combat!
:'''Mr. Candy''':&amp;nbsp; Oh, you're going down, soldier boy!&amp;nbsp; [''tries to hit him, but Buzzcut brutally kicks him in the head''] 
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Kick 'em, kick 'em!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Kick 'em in the butt.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Kick 'em in the nads!

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep117|Animation Sucks]]&quot; [5.24]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Hey let's like, draw more people getting killed.&amp;nbsp; That way we can make a total massacre.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, ''massacre''!&amp;nbsp; ''Massacre''!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; So like, in animation you have to draw tons of dead people just to end up with two dead people?!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Animation sucks!

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep118|What's the Deal]]&quot; [5.25]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep119|The History of Women]]&quot; [5.26]==
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''':&amp;nbsp; Okay, let's see, who hasn't gone yet?&amp;nbsp; Beavis!&amp;nbsp; Are you ready to inspire us with your report?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''awakens Beavis by slapping him'']&amp;nbsp; You're next, dillhole!
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''':&amp;nbsp; Come on, Beavis!&amp;nbsp; Stand up and tell us about the woman you admire the most!
:'''Beavis'''&amp;nbsp; Um…oh yeah…okay.
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''':&amp;nbsp; Go ahead!&amp;nbsp; Reveal to us the identity of this profoundly influential female!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Oh yeah!&amp;nbsp; Um, uh…oh yeah.&amp;nbsp; My mom!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; You wuss.
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''':&amp;nbsp; Butt-head, I hope your report is a little more wider in scope than Beavis's.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; The woman I admire most, is…uh…Beavis's mom.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep120|To the Rescue]]&quot; [5.27]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep121|I Dream of Beavis]]&quot; [5.28]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep122|Pregnant Pause]]&quot; [5.29]==
:'''Woman in store''':&amp;nbsp; [''to her pregnant friend'']&amp;nbsp; Girl, I can't believe you went and got yourself pregnant.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; You can get ''yourself'' pregnant?!&amp;nbsp; Aaagghh!&amp;nbsp; [''takes pregnancy test from woman'']&amp;nbsp; Gimme one of those!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; What's up with you, Beavis?&amp;nbsp; You look like you're pregnant.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Aaagghh!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; The chick said it changes colour if your pregnant so, [''reads French instructions''] &quot;Esay la Peesee la Pregwa&quot;…okay…[''tries sticking the test tube in his belly button'']…maybe it goes in here…
[''afterwards'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''mutters'']&amp;nbsp; It better not change color.&amp;nbsp; [''whizzes in pregnancy test tube'']&amp;nbsp; It turned yellow!&amp;nbsp; Aaaahh!!&amp;nbsp; No!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Woman on t.v.''':&amp;nbsp; It couldn't be morning sickness.&amp;nbsp; What about these cravings?&amp;nbsp; Oh my God!&amp;nbsp; I better ''not'' be ''pregnant''!!&amp;nbsp; Jake!&amp;nbsp; Get me some nachos!

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep123|Here Comes the Bride's Butt]]&quot; [5.30]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; I just realized something.&amp;nbsp; Being married would suck.&amp;nbsp; You'd just hang around with the same person all the time, and say all the same dumb stuff over and over again.&amp;nbsp; That would suck.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Heh, yeah.
:'''Tom Anderson''':&amp;nbsp; [''to his wife'']&amp;nbsp; Hold my hand, honeybunch.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''to Beavis'']&amp;nbsp; Pull my finger, buttmunch.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; This music sucks!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah…I wonder when the bride chick's gonna be here…

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep124|Screamers]]&quot; [5.31]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Screaming rules!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mr. Anderson''':&amp;nbsp; Hello, police?&amp;nbsp; This here is Tom Anderson, 4120 Woodrow Court.&amp;nbsp; There's two hoodlums who came by my doorstep and started screaming bloody murder.&amp;nbsp; Hell, I don't know if they're armed.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the cop has just discovered Beavis and Butt-head screaming in front of him'']
:'''Cop''':&amp;nbsp; All right, you little punks, I got ya.&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis and Butt-head scream as he grabs the two by their necks'']&amp;nbsp; Go ahead and scream all you want.&amp;nbsp; Do you like this, huh?&amp;nbsp; Do you like people ''screaming''?!&amp;nbsp; [''continues screaming in Beavis and Butt-head's ear'']&amp;nbsp; Now damn it, the last thing I need to deal with are a couple of noise vandals like you!&amp;nbsp; You see, when I hear people screaming, it usually means there's trouble!&amp;nbsp; But if not, It's just like the little brat who cried wolf and someday when there really is trouble, ''I'm not gonna help you!''&amp;nbsp; [''let's go Beavis and Butt-head'']&amp;nbsp; Now, if there's trouble, all you have to do is call.&amp;nbsp; Here's my number.&amp;nbsp; And if you want to scream, you can scream all you want inside your own home.&amp;nbsp; [''turns red-faced and screams in the duo's ears'']&amp;nbsp; ''Just don't do it out here!''&amp;nbsp; [''lets go of Beavis and Butt-head'']&amp;nbsp; Now get your asses home.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Beavis and Butt-head continue screaming outside awakening two neighbors, who think the other is screaming'']
:'''Man''':&amp;nbsp; Shut the hell up; my kids are trying to sleep.
:'''Woman''':&amp;nbsp; Why the hell you stop screaming?&amp;nbsp; You're not helping.
:'''Man''':&amp;nbsp; Oh, yeah!&amp;nbsp; Why don't you scream the hell of it?
:'''Woman''':&amp;nbsp; Oh, yeah!&amp;nbsp; How would you like me to kick your ass?

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep125|Beavis, Can You Spare a Dime?]]&quot; [5.32]==
:'''Bum''':&amp;nbsp; What's the best city in the world?&amp;nbsp; Generocity!

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep126|Skin Trade]]&quot; [5.33]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep127|Oil Change]]&quot; [5.34]==
:[''Beavis and Butt-head walk up to a mechanic at an auto shop'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh…we need to change the oil.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, if you could just change it while we wait, that would be fine.
:'''Mechanic''':&amp;nbsp; Okay, pull your car in.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, car?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, what do we need a car for?
:'''Mechanic''':&amp;nbsp; Well, how the hell am I supposed to change the oil if you don't have a car?

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep128|Buttniks]]&quot; [5.35]==
:[''Beavis and Butt-head walk until they see a woman stood outside a beatnik club'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Whoa, check it out.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah.
:'''Female beatnik''':
::&quot;You touch me, I shiver
::Your tongue, I quiver
::My loins, my liver
::I, the taker; you, the giver&quot;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Whoa.&amp;nbsp; I've got something to give her.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah.
:'''Female beatnik''':&amp;nbsp; Did you like my poem?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh…your what?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, yeah!&amp;nbsp; Your loins, your liver!
:'''Female beatnik''':&amp;nbsp; There's plenty more inside.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Omar''':&amp;nbsp; [''on stage'']&amp;nbsp; &quot;And then, my friend, you die.&amp;nbsp; [''louder'']&amp;nbsp; And then, my friend, you die, man!&amp;nbsp; And then… [''gasps''] …my friend.&quot;
:[''scattered applause'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; You die!&amp;nbsp; Yeah.
:'''Omar''':&amp;nbsp; Thank you.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; That was cool.
:'''Cafe Owner''':&amp;nbsp; Thank you, Omar.&amp;nbsp; Is there anyone who'd like to read now?&amp;nbsp; Any new blood?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''to Beavis'']&amp;nbsp; Check this out.&amp;nbsp; [''to everyone'']&amp;nbsp; Uh…I got some rhymes for the house.
:'''Cafe Owner''':&amp;nbsp; What's your name, young brother?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh…Butt-head.
:'''Cafe Owner''':&amp;nbsp; Cool.&amp;nbsp; Let's groove for a while with Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah.
:[''scattered applause'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Groove with me, people.&amp;nbsp; [''chuckles'']&amp;nbsp; This is gonna be cool.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''walks up to a male beatnik at a table'']&amp;nbsp; Um…I'm just gonna sit here, yeah.
:'''Male beatnik''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, man, take a load off.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''chuckles'']&amp;nbsp; Take a load.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Check this out.&amp;nbsp; Uh…there once was a man from Venus, with a rocket ship for a…a…wiener.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, yeah!&amp;nbsp; [''pounds table'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh…okay.&amp;nbsp; Here's—
:'''Waiter''':&amp;nbsp; [''to Beavis and male beatnik'']&amp;nbsp; Hi, what can I bring you guys?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Um…
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''in background'']&amp;nbsp; Here I sit—
:'''Male beatnik''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, yeah, get me a triple amaretto cappuccino, low on the foam, a double shot, and bring the man here one, too, right?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; The phone is ringing, and I cannot linger.&amp;nbsp; So, look out, butt, here comes my finger.&amp;nbsp; [''audience groans'']&amp;nbsp; And then, my friend, you die.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, yeah!&amp;nbsp; You die!&amp;nbsp; [''pounds table'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; That was cool.
:[''waiter hands Beavis and male beatnik their drinks'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Um…um…
:'''Male beatnik''':&amp;nbsp; Try it, man, come on.&amp;nbsp; It's—it's cappuccino.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''chuckles'']&amp;nbsp; Crappuccino?&amp;nbsp; Crappuccino.&amp;nbsp; [''chuckles'']&amp;nbsp; Yeah.&amp;nbsp; [''takes a sip'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''in background'']&amp;nbsp; Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha.
:'''Male beatnik''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, copasetic, dialectic.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Wahhh!&amp;nbsp; Copasetic, copasetic!&amp;nbsp; Gimme that.&amp;nbsp; [''snatches other drink and downs it'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''in background'']&amp;nbsp; This is a pee-pee—no.
:'''Waiter''':&amp;nbsp; Hi, more cappuccino?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; I need crappuccino for my bunghole!&amp;nbsp; Gimme that!&amp;nbsp; [''chittering; snatches coffee pot from waiter and drinks it all'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''in background'']&amp;nbsp; Uh, I'll tell that one later.&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis speaks gibberish'']&amp;nbsp; There once was a lady from China, with a popsicle in her—
:'''Cafe owner''':&amp;nbsp; [''pulls microphone away from Butt-head as the feedback whines'']&amp;nbsp; Thanks, thanks, kid.&amp;nbsp; That was organic.&amp;nbsp; Let's give someone else a shot at the mic.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''has his shirt over his head, jumps up from table; chittering''] I am Cornholio!&amp;nbsp; My bunghole will speak now!&amp;nbsp; [''runs into another table'']&amp;nbsp; Ah, hey.&amp;nbsp; Are you threatening me?&amp;nbsp; I must have more crappuccino for my bunghole.&amp;nbsp; [''snatches drink'']&amp;nbsp; Bungholio, bungholio.&amp;nbsp; [''slurping'']  

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''onstage, gibbering incoherently'']&amp;nbsp; I am Cornholio!&amp;nbsp; I need t.p. for my bunghole!&amp;nbsp; I want all your crappuccino!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''sitting at table with male beatnik and another man'']&amp;nbsp; Do it, brother Beavis.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Are you threatening me?!&amp;nbsp; You do not want to face the wrath of my bunghole.&amp;nbsp; My bunghole, it goes bungo.&amp;nbsp; Tungo, tungo, tungo.&amp;nbsp; Tungo!&amp;nbsp; Rap-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa.&amp;nbsp; And one for you.&amp;nbsp; Parrrrr!&amp;nbsp; [''gulps'']
:'''Man''':&amp;nbsp; [''to Butt-head'']&amp;nbsp; Hi, I run the multicultural poetry program at the university.&amp;nbsp; Your friend is, uh, unusual.&amp;nbsp; What is he?&amp;nbsp; Hispanic?&amp;nbsp; Russian?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh…yeah.&amp;nbsp; He's Russian.&amp;nbsp; [''chuckles'']
:'''Man''':&amp;nbsp; Uh…hmm.&amp;nbsp; Amazing energy.&amp;nbsp; I'd love to see his portfolio.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Portfolio?&amp;nbsp; Holio, holio!&amp;nbsp;  Arriba, arriba, yeah.&amp;nbsp; I come from Lake Titicaca.
:'''Male beatnik''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, man, you've been holding out on us.&amp;nbsp; Where'd you get all those crazy rhymes?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Would you like to see my portfoilo?&amp;nbsp; I have a portfolio in my bunghole with my oleo.
:'''Waiter''':&amp;nbsp; Wow, this is ground-breaking stuff, man.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''gibbering'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''groaning onstage, the caffeine having worn off, hits his head on the microphone; microphone feedback whinges'']&amp;nbsp; Hey, how's it going?&amp;nbsp; Oh, yeah.&amp;nbsp; Um, roses are—no.&amp;nbsp; Um…heh.&amp;nbsp; Oh, I know.&amp;nbsp; Uh…here I sit, brokenhearted, I pay the quarter—&amp;nbsp; You got a quarter?
:'''Man''':&amp;nbsp; Well, his fifteen minutes of fame are over.&amp;nbsp; I guess nobody can keep up that kind of intensity.
:'''Male beatnik''':&amp;nbsp; Wait, I want more.&amp;nbsp; Man, he's not done.&amp;nbsp; [''to waiter'']&amp;nbsp; Alphons, bring my boy another cappuccino, a quadruple.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Quarter, pay the dime…
:[''Waiter hands Beavis his drink'']
:'''Male beatnik''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, leave the pot.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Oh, thanks.&amp;nbsp; Yeah.&amp;nbsp; [''slurps drink'']&amp;nbsp; Yep.&amp;nbsp; [''slurps from coffee pot'']&amp;nbsp; Mmm.&amp;nbsp; [''gibbering incoherently'']&amp;nbsp; Yeah!&amp;nbsp; [''pulls shirt over head'']&amp;nbsp; I am the great Cornholio!&amp;nbsp; You have awaken my bunghole!&amp;nbsp; And now you must pay!&amp;nbsp; [''chittering'']&amp;nbsp; The streets will flow with the blood of the nonbelievers!&amp;nbsp; [''chuckles'']&amp;nbsp; That would be cool.&amp;nbsp;  [''gibbering'']

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep129|Bang the Drum Slowly Dumbass]]&quot; [5.36]==
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''':&amp;nbsp; Being in the captivity of nature without women is the perfect way to wrestle with your manhood.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Beavis wrestles with his manhood.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, heh, I usually win.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''bangs the drum'']&amp;nbsp; This sucks.&amp;nbsp; [''bangs it again'']&amp;nbsp; Uh….this sucks.&amp;nbsp; [''bangs it some more'']&amp;nbsp; This sucks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''':&amp;nbsp; Now Beavis, try and get in touch with your inner male.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Heheh, no way!&amp;nbsp; Not with a bunch of dudes watching!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''beats drum'']&amp;nbsp; Woah, that was pretty cool.&amp;nbsp; [''beats the drum and laughs, getting progressively faster'']
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''':&amp;nbsp; Okay Beavis, now let that wild man within put his feelings into words.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, hehe, it's like, it's like, I wanna check out chicks' thingies!&amp;nbsp; I wanna see their thingies!&amp;nbsp; But they won't let me!&amp;nbsp; And that just makes me wanna check them out even more!
:'''Other dude 1''':&amp;nbsp; We feel your male pain.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; I feel like I’m never gonna score!&amp;nbsp; And chicks don’t wanna talk to me!&amp;nbsp; Like, I wanna go up and say ‘Hey baby how’s it goin?’ heh.&amp;nbsp; And then just like, they just go away!&amp;nbsp; And then they slap me!
:'''Other dude 2''':&amp;nbsp; I can identify with that…I guess.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; And sometimes I just wanna, like, get a big bulldozer and I just wanna, like, bulldoze the walls to the girls' locker room!&amp;nbsp; That way I can see their boobs!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; That would be cool.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; It's like I know they're naked inside there, and I just can't stand it!&amp;nbsp; And then, and then I wanna take the bulldozer and, like, I wanna bulldoze the cafeteria, too!&amp;nbsp; And then the library!&amp;nbsp; Destroy all the books!&amp;nbsp; Eheheheheh, and then I wanna go to the principal's office, and bulldoze the principal's office, too!&amp;nbsp; EHEHEHEH!
:'''Other dude 1''':&amp;nbsp; I think someone's inner warrior needs to go back to basic training…
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Things will never turn out they way they—!
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''':&amp;nbsp; [''interrupting'']&amp;nbsp; Maybe you need professional help, Beavis.&amp;nbsp; [''reaches over to get the drum back'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''beats his hand away'']&amp;nbsp; NEVER!
:'''Other dude 3''':&amp;nbsp; Someone take that damn drum away from him!
:'''Other dude 2''':&amp;nbsp; What the hell are you teaching these kids of yours anyway?
:'''Other dude 1''':&amp;nbsp; You know, the guys at the gym were right, you ''are'' a pantywaist.
:'''Other dude 3''':&amp;nbsp; And you said this was the way to recapture the spirit of Woodstock?&amp;nbsp; Woodstock my ass!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''beating the drum each time he says it'']&amp;nbsp; Naked boobs, naked boobs, naked boobs!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''tired, some time at least a day later, when school is back in session and Mr. Van Driessen asks Butt-head where he is'']&amp;nbsp; I get the crane with the wrecking ball, and the bulldozer, one of those really nice shovels, and a backhoe and a forklift, a front end loader and a combine.&amp;nbsp; and um…a getaway car and some rubbers.&amp;nbsp; Only then will I score.&amp;nbsp;  Butt-head?

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep130|Another Friday Night]]&quot; [5.37]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Whoa, the cops are here.&amp;nbsp; Maybe they're gonna shoot somebody.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep131|Tired]]&quot; [5.38]==
:[''Beavis and Butt-head are jumping on the bells at the gas station'']
:'''Gas station worker''':&amp;nbsp; Quit jumping on my bells, you punks, or I'll give you something to jump about.
:'''Butt-head''':Uh, Did he say &quot;Quit jumping on my ''balls''&quot;?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; &quot;Quit jumping on my balls&quot;!
:'''Gas station worker''':&amp;nbsp; Look, I'll give you this bottle to break out back if stop distracting my customers.
:[''the duo head to the back of the gas station to break the bottle; they see a tire'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Whoa!&amp;nbsp; Poop poop.&amp;nbsp; That's the biggest tire I ever saw.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Beavis's ride in the tire causes not only a car crash, but also makes Todd spill a small drop of beer onto his jeans'']
:'''Todd''':&amp;nbsp; Aw, damn it!&amp;nbsp; My good jeans.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Beavis then hits a car on cinder blocks, owned by a redneck couple, killing the man underneath; Butt-head soon follows up'']
:'''Redneck woman''':&amp;nbsp; Hey!&amp;nbsp; If you step on my property again, I'll shoot your ass!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Todd''':&amp;nbsp; [''arrives at the parking lot where he is about to attack Beavis for making him spill beer on his jeans'']&amp;nbsp; You pre-schoolers are dead!&amp;nbsp; You made me spill beer all over my jeans!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Do you want me to kick Beavis's ass for you?
:'''Todd''':&amp;nbsp; That won't be necessary, man.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep132|Close Encounters]]&quot; [5.39]==
:'''Spelling''':&amp;nbsp; Butt-head, perhaps you see a part of yourself in Michael.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, my butt.
:'''Spelling''':&amp;nbsp; And Beavis, is that what you feel?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Beavis feels himself.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Shut up, Butt-head!&amp;nbsp; Heh, I'll kick your ass!&amp;nbsp; 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''thinking'']&amp;nbsp; You will get the chick across from you.&amp;nbsp; You will see her thingies.&amp;nbsp; It is going to be cool.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep133|Womyn]]&quot; [5.40]==
*'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Dammit, Beavis!&amp;nbsp; We've got a room full of chicks here who do it for free, and all you can think about is why there aren't more guys here?!
*'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Ummm, yea, hehheh.
*'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Beavis, I'm a little dissapointed in you!

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep134|Premature Evacuation]]&quot; [5.41]==
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, Butt-head.&amp;nbsp; I bet if we had a bomb, [[Pantera]] would hang out with us.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah.&amp;nbsp; We could make 'em hang out with us.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep135|Whiplash]]&quot; [5.42]==
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; I was like, aghh!!&amp;nbsp; My leg!!&amp;nbsp; Uh, I mean, aghh!!&amp;nbsp; My neck!!

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep136|Spare Me]]&quot; [5.43]==
:'''Girl 2''':&amp;nbsp; We'll take you for a ride.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep137|Patsies]]&quot; [5.44]==
:'''Mr. Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; For today's positive activity you're gonna wash my wagoneer!
:'''Patsy''':&amp;nbsp; Umm, that's not what my dad said we're gonna do.
:'''Mr. Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; Your dad's not here, boy!&amp;nbsp; And for the tenth time, if you don't shut up, I'm gonna positively kill you!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Heh heh heh heh, &quot;wood.&quot;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Heh heh, &quot;boner!&quot;

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep138|Murder Site]]&quot; [5.45]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''about the place where the guy killed his brother'']&amp;nbsp; It was your idea in the first place, buttknocker.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Hey don't call me &quot;buttknocker,&quot; Butt-head. I'm serious.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh... I wonder why that dude killed his brother?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp;  Yeah. He must have been really pissed.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; That's no excuse, Beavis. Uh huh huh huh. I guess his brother probably, like, stole his woman or his nachos or something.
:[''later…'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Buttknocker.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; DAMN IT!!! STOP CALLING ME &quot;BUTTKNOCKER&quot;!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Turn on the lights, buttknocker.&amp;nbsp; I can't see anything!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''angrily'']&amp;nbsp; Stop calling me &quot;buttknocker&quot;!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Beavis, you buttmunch, turn on the light before I kick your ass!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''calmly'']&amp;nbsp; Okay.&amp;nbsp; That's better.&amp;nbsp; [Switches the lamp on]
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''scoping the living room, which resembles their own living room'']&amp;nbsp; This is cool… So,uh… where do you think he killed him?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Hmm, let's see.&amp;nbsp; It looks like he fell.&amp;nbsp; I'd have to say he died right about here.&amp;nbsp; [''points to an outline of the victim's lying position'']&amp;nbsp; Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Oh, yeah.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Whoa!&amp;nbsp; [''walks toward tire iron'']&amp;nbsp; Check out this thing.&amp;nbsp; [''picks up tire iron'']&amp;nbsp; I bet he hit him with this.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Don't be stupid, Beavis.&amp;nbsp; That's for, like, changing tires and stuff.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Oh, yeah.&amp;nbsp; [''throws tire iron right next to the lamp table'']&amp;nbsp; Whoa.&amp;nbsp; [''spots a [[t.&amp;nbsp;v.]] remote and picks it up'']&amp;nbsp; Hey, I got the remote.&amp;nbsp; Let's see what's on t.&amp;nbsp;v.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Beavis, I told you I wasn't gonna let you touch the remote anymore.&amp;nbsp; [''makes an unsuccessful grab for the remote'']&amp;nbsp; Now, give me that, buttknocker!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; No way, and stop calling me &quot;buttknocker&quot;!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''climbs toward Beavis'']&amp;nbsp; Give it here, before I kick your buttknockering ass!&amp;nbsp; [''manages to grip the remote with Beavis still holding it, before they drop it on the floor'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Stop calling me that, Butt-head!&amp;nbsp; [''punches Butt-head twice in the stomach'']&amp;nbsp; Stop it!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''knees Beavis in the groin'']&amp;nbsp; Buttknocker!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Shut up, Butt-head!&amp;nbsp; Shut up!!&amp;nbsp; [''growls uncontrollably, Beavis and Butt-head fall behind couch'']&amp;nbsp; I'm gonna ''kill'' you, Butt-head!!&amp;nbsp; I swear to God, I'm gonna kill you!!!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''knocks lamp over''] Oh, yeah?&amp;nbsp; [''throws punch at Beavis, most likely his head'']&amp;nbsp; You and what other buttknockers?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis and Butt-head fall on the couch, then the floor'']&amp;nbsp; Shut up, Butt-head!!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Buttknocker…
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; SHUT UP!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Buttknocker…
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; STOP IT!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Buttknocker…
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; I'LL KILL YOU!!!
:'''Police Lieutenant''':&amp;nbsp; [''barges in'']&amp;nbsp; GET HIM!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; YOU SON OF A BITCH!!&amp;nbsp; [''Growls uncontrollably, then gets apprehended by the officers'']&amp;nbsp; Come on!&amp;nbsp; Let me go!&amp;nbsp; I'm gonna ''kill'' Butt-head!&amp;nbsp; I'm gonna ''kill'' him!&amp;nbsp; [''growls uncontrollably'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''watches as Beavis is taken away'']&amp;nbsp; That was cool.&amp;nbsp; [''laughs in lower pitch than normal'']&amp;nbsp; Uh huh huh huh.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''to a criminal about Butt-head'']&amp;nbsp; He keeps calling me &quot;buttknocker&quot; and he won't stop and IT PISSE ME OFF!!!
:[''later…'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''pointing to beavis'']&amp;nbsp; There he is, the buttknocker in the middle.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep139|Spanish Fly]]&quot; [5.46]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Hey Beavis, huh huh huh.&amp;nbsp; If you like, abstract a chick, huh huh huh, then I can like, stick it in her taco!&amp;nbsp; Huh huh huh.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Heh heh heh m heh No way, Butt-head!&amp;nbsp; We have to like, give her the Spanish Fly first!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; What the hell do you think I'm talking about, butt plug?!?!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Um, I uh, oh yeah, yeah heh heh heh m heh…

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Tommy, the student who's consumed the Spanish Fly, has got a scared Beavis in a wrestling position'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Aaahh!!&amp;nbsp; He's got a boner!!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Kick him in the nads, Beavis.
:[''Beavis delivers a low blow to Tommy'']
:'''Buzzcut''':&amp;nbsp; [''whilst tending to Tommy'']&amp;nbsp; Beavis, get back here!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Let's get outta here before he screws us all!&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis and Butt-head walk out'']

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep140|Sexual Harassment]]&quot; [5.47]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Right now, I'm being sexually harassed by Kimberly.
:'''Kimberly''':&amp;nbsp; WHAT!?!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, me too, she's giving me a stiffy.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, and it makes it like uncomfortable to work and stuff….usually harasses me at least once a day.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Four or five times for me, sir.&amp;nbsp;  

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Van Driessen''':&amp;nbsp; I think YOU'RE sexually harassing Kimberly.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; No way!&amp;nbsp; Chicks can't get stiffies!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Beavis is staring at Kimberly while Joe Adler is pleading Beavis and Butt-head's case of sexual harassment against her'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; She's doing it again!&amp;nbsp; She's doing it right now!
:'''Judge''':&amp;nbsp; What is she doing?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; She's giving me a stiffy.
:'''Judge''':&amp;nbsp; Giving you a what?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Heh, you know…boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''to judge'']&amp;nbsp; He has an erection.

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep141|Bus Trip]]&quot; [5.48]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Let's write big butt on the chalkboard.&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis and Butt-head are about to deface the blackboard when they see the words, &quot;FIELD TRIP TODAY&quot;'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Wait, it's trying to tell us something.&amp;nbsp; [''begins to read'']&amp;nbsp; &quot;Feel&quot;…&quot;Tit&quot;…err…&quot;Tripe&quot;…&quot;Todd&quot;…
:[''suddenly…'']
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''running out of school to the bus'']&amp;nbsp; Stop the bus!&amp;nbsp; Damn it, stop the bus!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Whoa!&amp;nbsp; That was close!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''to Van Driessen'']&amp;nbsp; Yeah, next time, tell us, butthole.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; I've got a rock formation in my pants.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Van Driessen has got his guitar ready and asks the students for song requests'']
:'''Dean''':&amp;nbsp; Like, &quot;99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall&quot;?
:'''Van Driessen''':&amp;nbsp; Good, Dean.&amp;nbsp; But beer and driving don't mix.&amp;nbsp; How about &quot;99 Bottles of Tea on the Wall&quot;?&amp;nbsp; Or we could try some other arrangement.&amp;nbsp; [''cars behind the bus are honking their horns'']&amp;nbsp; What's going on? Why's everybody honking?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''whilst mooning at other cars'']&amp;nbsp; Peek-a-boo!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''after Van Driessen flies through the bus's windshield and off a cliff'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Whoa!&amp;nbsp; That was cool!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah!

==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep142|Green Thumbs]]&quot; [5.49]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#ep143|Steamroller]]&quot; [5.50]==
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Some day, we're gonna have wheels just like Todd.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, then we can, like, drive chicks to school.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; You dumbass!&amp;nbsp; If we ever get a car and chicks, we're not going anywhere ''near'' a school.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bill''':&amp;nbsp; You're gonna pay for this, Anderson!
:'''Mr. Anderson''':&amp;nbsp; Like hell, I am! You're the one who told me to rent from Morgan's.&amp;nbsp; Now get the hell off my property, you son of a bitch!
''[Mr. Anderson punches Bill in the chest, sending the latter falling]''
:'''Mr. Anderson''':&amp;nbsp; And if I ever see that damn dog of yours peeing on my lawn again, I'm gonna shoot both of you!

==Cast==
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Beavis|Beavis]] 
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—Coach Buzzcut
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—David Van Driessen&lt;!--Full name is revealed to be David Van Driessen in his first appearance, &quot;Peace, Love and Understanding&quot; (pilot 2).--&gt;
*Adam Welsh—Stewart Stevenson
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—Principal McVicker
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—Thomas T. &quot;Tom&quot; Anderson&lt;!--Full name depicted as Thomas T. Anderson on a credit card in the episode &quot;Good Credit&quot; (S2E2).--&gt;
*Rottilio Michieli—Todd Ianuzzi

==External links==
*{{Official website|http://www.mtv.com/shows/beavis_and_butthead/}}
*{{IMDb title|0105950|Beavis and Butt-Head}}

&lt;center&gt;[[Beavis and Butt-head (pilots)|Pilots]] • Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music videos]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience|Album]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]&lt;/center&gt;

[[Category:Beavis and Butt-head seasons]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Ray Donovan</title>
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      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
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      <comment>/* External links */ r/m Template:Tv.com show</comment>
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      <text bytes="2146" xml:space="preserve">[[w:Ray Donovan|'''''Ray Donovan''''']] (2013–2020) is a crime drama series on [[w:Showtime (TV network)|Showtime]], about a &quot;fixer&quot; for Los Angeles' celebrities who finds himself facing his own personal problems when his father returns from jail.

== Season 1 ==

=== ''The Bag or the Bat'' [1.01] ===
:'''Ray Donovan''': Do you think you're the first person I've dealt who woke up with a dead body... ?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

=== ''The Golem'' [1.05] ===
:'''Ray Donovan''': I'm not the kind of guy you fire.

== Season 2 ==

=== ''Uber Ray'' [2.02] ===

:''[after slapping Ray in order to make him stop]''
:'''Abby Donovan''': I can't keep doing this. I feel raped.
:'''Ray Donovan''': Raped? You fucking kidding me?
:'''Abby Donovan''': I talked to Dr. Finkel about it. Do you even know how rough you are? My pussy hurts. I can barely walk some days.

== Season 3 ==

=== ''Handshake Deal'' [3.05] ===

:'''Conor Donovan''': She walked in on me at a bad time.
:'''Mickey Donovan''': Bad time? Were you jerking off?
:'''Conor Donovan''': [nod]
:'''Mickey Donovan''': Conor, if God didn't want us to jerk off, he would've given us shorter arms. It's natural.
:'''Conor Donovan''': Thanks, Grandpa.

== Season 5 ==

=== ''If I Should Fall from Grace with God'' [5.07] ===

:'''Duquesne Baker''': What are you in for?
:'''Bunchy''': Quadruple homicide.
:'''Duquesne Baker''': Holy fuck... El Trebol. I like you... Call you E.T. for short.
:'''County Officer''': Brendan Donovan.
:'''Bunchy''': Yeah?
:'''County Officer''': You're out.
:'''Bunchy''': What?
:'''County Officer''': Let's go.
:'''Duquesne Baker''': That's a hell of a lawyer.


== Season 7 ==


=== ''An Irish Lullaby'' [7.05] ===

:'''Ray Donovan''': Oh, Jesus Christ. You're out of food
:'''Terry Donovan''': I'm fine.
:'''Ray Donovan''': No, you're not fine, Terry.
:'''Terry Donovan''': Am I out of beer?
:'''Ray Donovan''': No, you got three beers.
:'''Terry Donovan''': Then I'm fine.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia|Ray Donovan}}
* {{imdb title|2249007}}

[[Category:Crime TV shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows]]
[[Category:Showtime shows‎]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Femme Fatales (TV series)</title>
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      <comment>Rephrased the last part of the sentence.</comment>
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      <text bytes="56240" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Femme Fatales (TV series)|Femme Fatales]]''''' is an anthology TV series, inspired by [[w:Femme Fatales (magazine)|the men's magazine of the same name]], with each episode following on [[w:antihero|antihero]] woman, intercut with [[w:Softcore pornography|softcore pornographic]] scenes, produced and aired by [[w:Cinemax|Cinemax]]. Lilith ([[w:Tanit Phoenix|Tanit Phoenix]]) introduces each episode [[w:Rod Serling|Rod Serling]]-style and occasionally appears within the narrative. Some characters make encore appearances in later episodes. Unlike most shows that feature [[w:porn actor|porn actor]]s, ''Femme Fatales'' features mainstream actors - such as [[w:Richard Kind|Richard Kind]], [[w:Adam Goldberg|Adam Goldberg]], [[w:Paul Mazursky|Paul Mazursky]], [[w:Ryan Bittle|Ryan Bittle]], [[w:Robert LaSardo|Robert LaSardo]], [[w:Stephen Macht|Stephan Macht]], [[w:William Gregory Lee|William Gregory Lee]], [[w:Dean Haglund|Dean Haglund]], [[w:Charlie O'Connell|Charlie O'Connell]], [[w:Daniel Bess|Daniel Bess]], [[w:Angus Scrimm|Angus Scrimm]], [[w:Carrie Genzel|Carrie Genzel]], [[w:Ellie Cornell|Ellie Cornell]], [[w:Neil Hopkins|Neil Hopkins]] in season 1, and [[w:Antonio Sabato Jr.|Antonio Sabato Jr.]], [[w:Kyle Gass|Kyle Gass]], [[w:Leilani Sarelle|Leilani Sarelle]], [[w:Chris Mulkey|Chris Mulkey]], [[w:Scheana Marie|Scheana Marie]], [[w:John Enos III|John Enos III]], [[w:Vivica A. Fox|Vivica A. Fox]], [[w:Sandra McCoy|Sandra McCoy]], [[w:Jeffrey Combs|Jeffrey Combs]], [[w:Robert Picardo|Robert Picardo]], [[w:Ashley Hamilton|Ashley Hamilton]], [[w:Nikki Griffin|Nikki Griffin]], [[w:Eric Roberts|Eric Roberts]], Kate Luyben, [[w:Steve Railsback|Steve Railsback]], [[w:Paul Rae|Paul Rae]], [[w:Jes Macallan|Jes Macallan]], [[w:Casper Van Dien|Casper Van Dien]], [[w:Jeff Fahey|Jeff Fahey]], and [[w:Betsy Rue|Betsy Rue]] in season 2.
__NOTOC__
{| border=0 cellpadding=2 style=&quot;border: 1px solid silver;&quot;
! width=&quot;33%&quot; style=&quot;border: 3px solid red;&quot; | [[#Season 1|Season 1]]
! width=&quot;33%&quot; style=&quot;border: 3px solid orange;&quot; | [[#Season 2|Season 2]]
|-
|[[#Behind Locked Doors|Behind Locked Doors]]
|[[#16 Minutes of Fame|16 Minutes of Fame]]
|-
|[[#Bad Medicine|Bad Medicine]]
|[[#Gun Twisted|Gun Twisted]]
|-
|[[#Something Like Murder|Something Like Murder]]
|[[#Trophy Wife|Trophy Wife]]
|-
|[[#Speed Date|Speed Date]]
|[[#Extracurricular Activities|Extracurricular Activities]]
|-
|[[#The White Flower|The White Flower]]
|[[#Killer Instinct|Killer Instinct]]
|-
|[[#Girls Gone Dead|Girls Gone Dead]]
|[[#Bad Science|Bad Science]]
|-
|[[#Haunted|Haunted]]
|[[#Family Business|Family Business]]
|-
|[[#Angels &amp; Demons|Angels &amp; Demons]]
|[[#Jail Break|Jail Break]]
|-
|[[#Help Me, Rhonda|Help Me, Rhonda]]
|[[#Crazy Mary|Crazy Mary]]
|-
|[[#The Clinic|The Clinic]]
|[[#One Man's Death|One Man's Death]]
|-
|[[#Till Death Do Us Part|Till Death Do Us Part]]
|[[#Hell Hath No Furies|Hell Hath No Furies]]
|-
|[[#Visions, Part 1|Visions, Part 1]]
|[[#Libra|Libra]]
|-
|[[#Visions, Part 2|Visions, Part 2]]
|
|-
! colspan=4 style=&quot;border: 3px solid silver;&quot; | [[#Cast|Cast]] — [[#External links|External links]]
|}

==Season 1==
===''Behind Locked Doors''===
:'''Lilith''': Prison can be a very scary place – survival of the fittest and all that. What's a spoiled young Hollywood actress to do when thrown into the tank with all those sharks? Those are just the prison guards. No, Lacey Rivers is going to have to rely on her one skill she can count on – her acting. You don't get $5 million a picture without any talent. Behind these locked doors, our little Lacey is about to give the performance of her life.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': Watch any Lacey Rivers movie, and you will always be treated to a happy ending. Well, poor Lacey. She's about to discover that real life rarely turns out like a G-rated family film. Karma can be such a bitch.

===''Bad Medicine''===
:'''Lilith''': ''[in a nurse's uniform]'' All superheroes have a story of origin, from an awkward teenager that's bitten by a radioactive spider, a daring test pilot that's bestowed a very powerful ring, an alien from the planet Krypton that crash-lands on Earth. A femme fatale, you see, well, she's cut from similar cloth. Some women are born to be empowered and dangerous and they embrace it according to their nature. Well, the essence of a femme fatale may be lying dormant, just waiting for fate to see her free.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': ''[still in her nurse's uniform]'' It looks like Greg is in for an electrifying experience. And as for our sweet Nurse Violet, she's blossomed into quite a woman – a newly-minted femme fatale in control of her own destiny and administering her own dose of bad medicine.

===''Something Like Murder''===
:'''Lilith''': Whenever you find a rich man, you are bound to find a gold-digger waiting to take him for everything he's got. Well, tonight, somewhere in these Hollywood hills, this gold-digger really was using a shovel. It's been said the taste of evil smells like honeysuckle. I wouldn't argue with that, but tonight, there is a distinct smell in the air and it smells like murder.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': Poor Darla. She thought she'd planned the perfect murder, but greed makes suckers of all of us. There is no easy way to make money in this economy. Unless, of course, you're Elena Machado, a hard-working cleaning woman, who just got a very, very big severance package. I guess it's safe to say she won't be coming to work on Monday.

===''Speed Date''===
:'''Kevin Freeman''': I like a woman who knows herself. Confidence is beauty. There's nothing lovelier than a woman who is comfortable in her own skin. An independent woman, with a spry personality and an old soul. That's the one for me. I'm Troy. When I'm in the outdoors, it's about freedom. I read. Losing myself in the pages of a good book is pure nirvana. Like an hour-long bubble bath, with bath bombs from bliss. My best friends are Charlie Parker and John Coltrane. Without them, I am lost. Simply put: their music is the soundtrack of my life. Yeah, I know I'm good-looking, but that's not worth a hill of beans unless you find the right girl to spend life's special moments with. And let me tell you: In this town, it's been tough to find that special someone. If you're confident, if you're independent, if you're open-minded, passionate, genuine, creative, funny... if you think you're her, and you think we'll click, please, contact me. DocTroy77. Thank you, Doctor Troy. Ladies, all of our lines are open.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': We all tell little white lies. We lie about our height, our weight, where we've been and where we're going. And tonight, video game developer Kevin Freeman is about to discover that when his fantasy turns into reality, honesty, in fact, may be the best policy as his little white lies get him into a world of trouble.

===''The White Flower''===
:'''Lilith''': Money. It's been said it is the root of all evil. Well, tonight, in this seedy motel room, two men are about to find out that it's the devil's honest truth – that when the fickle finger of fate points in your direction, the most innocuous omen may be the harbinger of doom, and it may come in the most enticing package with a heart that beats of pure deceit. So tonight, I bequeath to you &quot;The White Flower&quot;.

===''Girls Gone Dead''===
:'''Lilith''': ''[in a school uniform]'' Psychologists believe that the brain doesn't stop maturing until we're well into our twenties. So what does that mean for a girl who's turned 18? Legally, she's an adult, yet she still has a brain that's... well, let's just say a brain that's not fully cooked. ''[giggles]'' I guess that's why you can say we go away to college. It's like an incubator. A place to keep our bodies safe and our brains baking. Until we're able to make informed intelligent choices. But what happens when our bodies are ready, willing and able, yet our minds are not mature enough to make these right decisions, especially when faced with a friendly smile and irresistible temptations like... a T-shirt, or worse, plastic beads? You can't expect a girl, whose body that's trying to catch up to its brain, to understand concepts like consequences, particularly with a little booze involved, and some soft light and a charming man with a camera.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jay Roma''': I guarantee there is not a hotter party in the world and no place I'd rather be than right here with the girls of Theta Alpha Nu! Ten smoking hot coeds and yours truly! I got a feeling we're gonna see some truly ''Crazy Chixx''! Let's find out just how crazy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jay''': I have a strict policy; I don't... participate.
:'''Alexis''': Why not?
:'''Jay''': I built my brand on ''Crazy Chixx'', not on some dirtbag trying to get with them.
:'''Tiffany''': You've never been in one of your videos?
:'''Jay''': No. Never. It would ruin my reputation.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kip''': Nobody lives here.
:'''Erida''': Of course we live here; it's our sorority house.
:'''Kip''': This is no sorority. Nobody lives here... and that's water!
:'''Erida''': Water is the source of all life.
:'''Kip''': Why are all the vodka bottles filled with water?!
:'''Erida''': We don't wanna be drunk for this.
:'''Kip''': Who are you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jay''': Where the hell is Kip?
:'''Erida''': My fault. Sorry.
:'''Jay''': Well, where the hell is he?
:'''Erida''': Let's just say his willpower lost this time.
:'''Jay''': Kip, you're fired!!
:'''Erida''': Don't blame him! He couldn't resist.
:'''Jay''': Well, what happened? What'd you do? Jeez! He knows better! To hell with him. You know how to work this thing?
:'''Emily''': Hell, yeah.
:'''Jay''': Good. Come on! I wanna make this lousy bastard sorry.
:'''Tiffany''': We have just the thing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jay''': Uh, all right, look, this is getting kinda dangerous. Tiffany?
:'''Tiffany''': I'm getting kind of used to that name. It's got a nice ring to it. My real name is Jessica. But you wouldn't remember that, would you, Jay? Tiffany, well... it's just a variation of a Greek name. Tisiphone. She was a goddess... the goddess of vengeance.
:'''Jay''': All right, uh... Kip!!
:'''Tiffany''': But I thought you wanted to meet Caroline.
:'''Jay''': Screw Caroline!
:'''Tiffany''': You already did!! You got me and Caroline drunk. Really drunk. Then you gave us some money. And then you ruined our lives! We had to drop out of school, change our names, and no matter where we moved or what we did, we could not get away from what we did for you! Of course, I handled it a lot better than she did.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kip''': I know you. Your name's not Erida, is it?
:'''Erida''': Very good, Kip. I'm gonna give you a little lesson in Greek mythology. You see, Erida was a Greek goddess... the goddess of hate. She could only be appeased once blood was spilled.
:'''Kip''': What are you gonna do?
:'''Erida''': Isn't it obvious?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alexis''': By the way, I'm Ashley. When you filmed me, that was my name.
:'''Tiffany''': It was her brilliant idea to use Greek names.
:'''Alexis''': Alexis, from the Greek name Alecto.
:'''Erida''': The goddess of unresting.
:'''Alexis''': I haven't rested since I met you, Jay.
:'''Erida''': Ash graduated magna cum laude in Ancient Greek. She's a member of Mensa, bonehead.
:'''Alexis''': I have a feeling I'll rest tonight.
:'''Jay''': What do you want?! What do you want?!!
:'''Erida''': Isn't it obvious?
:'''Tiffany''': We all appeared in your videos. Now it's your turn to be in ours.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jay''': Okay. All right. I know what you're doing, you dumb bitches! You think you're gonna embarrass me?! You think you're gonna film me and make me look like an idiot and ruin my reputation?! When I get out of here, you're gonna be dead! To hell with you, and to hell with your harlot friend Caroline!
:'''Emily''': And to think I had second thoughts about this.
:'''Tiffany''': I told you it would be worth it.
:'''Jay''': I'm gonna sue you! I oughta sue you for everything you've got! You wanna film me?! You wanna film me? Go ahead and film me, you stupid harlots!
:'''Tiffany''': Come on. Let's go upstairs and clean up.
:'''Jay''': Wait!
:'''Tiffany''': Congrats, Jay. This will definitely be your biggest hit ever.
:'''Jay''': Where are you going? Hey. Hey, come back here! No! Come back! Please! Hey! Come back...! ''[coughs and chokes]'' Hey! Help! Help!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': ''[giggles]'' Luckily, most people can't speak Greek. If Kip or Jay did, they may recognize that Theta Alpha Nu are the first three letters of the word Thanatos. That's Greek for death. Clever girls. Jay Roma. Made his first million at the age of 25. Made his first hundred million by the age of 32. But by 35, 20 million hits on his very last video. I guess these chicks are crazier than what he ever dreamed. And as the Greeks say – Kali nichta. Good night.

===''Haunted''===
:'''Lilith''': Five bedrooms, three and a half bathrooms, a swimming pool and a bonus guest house. This house would be a real steal, if it weren't haunted. But how could you prove that? Or disprove it? And would you live in a house with that kind of storied reputation? Would you even spend one night? Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': Do you believe in ghosts or demons? Do you think it's possible for them to enter our world? Maybe the next time you meet a girl that seems too good to be true, she may very well be the ultimate femme fatale. ''[slowly fades away into thin air]''

===''Angel &amp; Demons''===
:'''Lilith''': The animal kingdom is a fiercely violent domain. Animals kill for food, for territory and for survival. But there is one animal that's known to kill for pleasure – man. We live in a world populated by angels and demons. You're about to meet both.

===''Help Me, Rhonda''===
:'''Lilith''': You all know Camille Gardner – a beautiful woman who, like so many, got married too young, too soon. Well, now she's living a life she never imagined for herself with an abusive husband and aimless existence. Oh, and her world's about to get so much worse. Tango's beautiful, isn't she? Well, get ready, 'cause you're about to meet some animals that aren't nearly as pretty.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Camille Gardner, in a bathrobe, finds Rhonda Temple in a red one-piece swimsuit, sitting outside in a lounge chair right next to a swimming pool]''
:'''Camille Gardner''': What the hell are you smiling about?
:'''Rhonda Temple''': I'm just thinking about our future.
:'''Camille''': ''[sits down right next to Rhonda]'' I guess you'll be thinking about our recent past.
:'''Rhonda''': Why bother? What's done is done. ''[removes Camille's hair braid and strokes her hair]'' I'm looking to spend my future with you.
:'''Camille''': Some woman came, asking for Eddie.
:'''Rhonda''': So?
:'''Camille''': I'm worried. She sounded like she was supposed to meet him here. If I were you, I'd be very concerned.
:'''Rhonda''': Why? When you can worry for the both of us? That's what you're good at, right?
:'''Camille''': You know, I should sit in the sun.
:'''Rhonda''': What for, when you can go for a swim? ''[removes Camille's robe, revealing her in a green one-piece swimsuit]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': ''[as a police detective]'' Mrs. Camille Gardner? Do you know what this is? Your house has been under surveillance for the past month. So you are under arrest for the murder of your husband. Now do not lie to us. Things will go a lot easier for you. Start by telling us where we can find Rhonda Temple.
:'''Camille''': ''[referring to Rhonda Temple]'' If we're under surveillance for a month, how come you don't know where she is? I have no idea where she is.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lacey Rivers''': So why are you here?
:'''Camille''': I killed my husband. Stabbed him in the chest six times.

===''The Clinic''===
:'''Lilith''': ''[in a doctor's uniform]'' Everyone wants to believe that they are going to live forever – that that tremor in their heart, the few extra pounds added over the holidays and the labored breathing after a morning run are all perfectly normal. ''[chuckles]'' But what happens when you find out they're not? What happens when you realize the life that you've been leading has an expiration date? What would you do to change that? Would you make the same choice that Logan Cale is about to make? And at what price?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': They say home is where the heart is, and unfortunately, for Logan Cale, this was all too true, proving you can truly buy anything for the right price. And if there's a moral to tonight's story and you find yourself sick and bedridden and might need to resort to desperate measures for a cure, I make this very humble suggestion: get a second opinion.

===''Till Death Do Us Part''===
:'''Lilith''': ''[in a one-piece swimsuit and sarong with a flower in her hair and a Hawaiian tropical drink in her hand]'' Aloha! I see you've met Rachel Worth. Poor thing. Can you believe it's her wedding day? Certainly not a very auspicious start. A bride needs something borrowed, something blue, but certainly not something dead. I guess the silver lining in all of this is the corpse is not the man she's planning to marry. But with her ceremony on a private beach near Waikiki looming in six hours, she best fix this little hiccup that's threatening her big day. ''[puts down her drink and walks up the steps to the top of a diving rock overlooking a swimming pool]'' Otherwise, there could very well be a whole new meaning to the phrase, &quot;Till death do us part&quot;. ''[takes off her sarong, dives into the water and swims]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rachel Worth''': We have to postpone the wedding.
:'''Cam''': No.
:'''Rachel''': Cam, we have no choice.
:'''Cam''': We're doing it. Just as we planned. Today.
:'''Rachel''': Why?
:'''Cam''': Because I have to be married by the time I'm 30.
:'''Rachel''': Sweetie, no, you don't.
:'''Cam''': When my grandmother died, she left me a $10 million trust fund. But there was a catch. She stipulated that I have to be married by my 30th birthday or I don't get the money.
:'''Rachel''': But why would she do something like that?
:'''Cam''': Gram was around long enough to see me go through my wild period. Let's just say she didn't exactly approve. She wanted me to settle down and make something of myself, which I did. Just after, she was gone. But there's still that clause in the will that I need to adhere to.
:'''Rachel''': Why didn't you tell me?
:'''Cam''': I was going to. I just... I didn't want you to think I was marrying you just so I can get my hands on the money. I'm marrying you because I love you, Rachel.
:'''Sharon''': Okay, that's really sweet, but what I wanna know is, what happens to the money if you don't get married?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rachel''': Kim. Oh, my God. It was you. You hired the stripper. And you made my first drink. You spiked it, which is why I was so out of it and can't remember anything! And someone would've had to record it. You actually made moans to make it look like it was actually happening, like I was awake and I was enjoying it?! And you were gonna to email it to Cam so he'd call off the wedding. And you would be next in line for the trust fund.
:'''Cam''': Kim, did you really murder this poor guy?
:'''Kim''': Poor guy? Poor guy? Oh, come on, Cam. Get off your high horse. Poor guy. He was just some sleazy stripper. Anyways, it was his own fault. No one was supposed to get hurt. But the bastard got greedy. He demanded half of the money, threatened to expose me to you and Rachel. So I just agreed to shut him up. But come on. I wasn't just gonna hand over $5 million to some lame fireman. So I made him the special cocktail that I made Rachel, and I kept him busy until it took effect. And I could handle this problem once and for all. But it turned out to be a much better plan than I anticipated. Because cheating is one thing, but accidentally killing a trick while making love the night before your wedding? Well, there's just no way that Cam was ever gonna say &quot;I do&quot;. Not to her.
:'''Rachel''': No wonder you wanted to call the cops! You knew it looked bad for me.
:'''Kim''': I did what I had to do! I mean, we're talking $10 million here! It's not fair! Okay? I was the good girl! I went to Nana's house every Sunday! I remembered her birthdays; he didn't! I was the one that got straight A's! I was the good girl! But the bitch left it all to him! Thought he could change! But it wasn't the money that changed him, Rachel. It was you.
:'''Rachel''': Your little Frederick's of Hollywood number – was it preshrunk?
:'''Kim''': No.
:''[Rachel picks up a lemonade pitcher and dumps lemonade on Kim's head]''
:'''Rachel''': Worst maid of honor ever.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': ''[still in her one-piece swimsuit and refreshed from swimming, her hair wet and her hand gently stroking the water]'' It's been said it's bad luck for a bride and groom to see each other before the wedding. Although, after the day they've had, I don't blame Rachel or Cam for throwing caution to the wind. As for lessons learned, it's an age-old question for women: Do you marry for love or for money? ''[chuckles]'' Luckily, though, for Rachel Worth, today she doesn't have to choose. Mahalo.

===''Visions, Part 1''===
:'''Lilith''': ''[in a magician's costume]'' Mentalism is a performing art whose practitioners demonstrate highly developed mental and intuitive abilities such as telepathy, clairvoyance and mind control. Foster Prentiss, the Amazing Mysterium, possesses no such skill. He is a complete and utter fraud. Unfortunately, there's nothing phony about murder. Foster will stop at nothing to get what he wants and must put on a performance of a lifetime. But maybe this time, the ruse is on him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Foster Prentiss hears a loud splash and he goes outside to investigate, only to find Jessica, in a black one-piece swimsuit, swimming in a pool]''
:'''Foster Prentiss''': Can I help you?
:'''Jessica''': I think we can help each other. I hear you're looking for a new assistant. I've seen your act. You're very good. But you could be great with the right help.
:'''Foster''': Yeah, I'm not looking for any help. Thank you.
:'''Jessica''': I look fabulous in fishnets, and even better without them. Won't you consider letting me audition, or at least fetching me that towel?
:''[Foster Prentiss laughs. Several minutes later, Jessica is seducing Prentiss in bed]''
:'''Jessica''': By the way, my name is Jessica.
:'''Foster''': Pleased to meet you, Jessica. ''[laughs]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Foster Prentiss is stunned by the realization of what Violet MacReady did at the Cuesta Verde Hospital]''
:'''Foster''': I don't know how this can be happening to me! I saw her! I saw what she did and I saw her kill a guy! She knows that I know. She knows I know. What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do now? ''[yells at the top of his lungs]'' You just tell me what– ''[Jessica strikes Foster in the face]'' Bloody hell! You hit me?! Jeez, are you crazy?!!
:'''Jessica''': Calm the hell down! Nobody killed anybody. You didn't see anything. That was incredible! Whatever hell scam you're pulling is working! Did you see their faces out there? They're eating it up.
:'''Foster''': Yeah – no, no, it wasn't a scam. What I felt out there was real.
:'''Jessica''': Sure it was. But now... you gotta keep your eye on the prize. If we're gonna score any of that rich bitch's cash, she needs to believe that you can talk to her dead daughter. So get out there and finish the damn show.
:'''Foster''': Okay, okay. Yeah, okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': So the man you apparently saw is Jay Roma. He started ''Crazy Chixx''. He was murdered a few months back, and his death was streamed on the Internet.
:'''Foster''': Why is this happening to me, though? That's what I don't understand.
:'''Jessica''': The other tart is Violet MacReady. She is a person of interest in two recent killings: one of a local, prestigious surgeon; the other – some two-bit gangbanger.
:'''Foster''': You know, I never thought this was possible. Why have I been given such a powerful gift?
:'''Jessica''': The question you should be asking yourself... is, how can we exploit it?
:'''Foster''': Exploit it?!
:'''Jessica''': Jeez! Do I have to spell everything out to you? Blackmail. You're already a fraud. What's another sin, or three?
:'''Foster''': You don't believe me, do you?
:'''Jessica''': ''[takes Foster's hand and holds it up to her face]'' Do you see anything interesting, swami?
:'''Foster''': ''[after receiving visions of what Jessica recently did, finally realizes the truth]'' You killed your boyfriend, set him up and sold his organs for spare parts!
:'''Jessica''': How did you...?! No one knows about that.
:'''Foster''': I told you, the visions are real, Jessica.
:'''Jessica''': You know what, Foster? I think we're gonna be really, really rich.

===''Visions, Part 2''===
:'''Foster Prentiss''': Firstly, of course, I would like to apologize for keeping you waiting so long. But I bet you're wondering what you're both doing here, right?
:'''Violet MacReady''': No kidding, Sherlock.
:'''Prentiss''': Well... you do have a temper on you, don't you? See, I invited you both here to give you a chance to move on with the rest of your life.
:'''Tiffany''': I'm so gone. ''[starts to leave]''
:'''Jessica''': ''[stops Tiffany from leaving]'' Shut up and listen.
:'''Prentiss''': Yeah, I think you should listen to her. Or, of course, I could just call the authorities and tell them about Jay Roma.
:'''Tiffany''': Who?
:'''Jessica''': Don't be coy, darling. The world may not miss a smut peddler like that, but it still won't get you off with the cops. ''[turns to Violet]'' And you, Violet. You're not as sweet and innocent as you look, are you?
:'''Foster''': Ooh, someone messed with the wrong nurse. Eh, chica?
:'''Violet''': How do you know all this?
:'''Foster''': Because I'm the Amazing Mysterium! And I know all.
:'''Violet''': What do you want with us, Mr. Amazing?
:'''Foster''': What do I want? What could I possibly want? What could I want? How about... money! That's exactly what I want.
:'''Violet''': Well, you better take another look into your crystal ball, because I'm not an ATM. I'm broke.
:'''Tiffany''': And I'm still trying to pay off my student loans.
:'''Violet''': So you've got the wrong chica, ese.
:'''Foster''': ''[slams the table with his hand]'' Well, then you better find some money fast!! Both of you got 48 hours or the next time you sit down with somebody, it'll be with a public defender! ''[calms down]'' Why don't you just think about it a little bit, OK? Good afternoon, ladies. I hope you enjoy the show.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiffany''': We haven't formally met. Tiffany.
:'''Violet''': Violet.
:'''Tiffany''': You've got incredible eyes, Violet.
:'''Violet''': Thanks. Nice dress, Wilma Flintstone. So, did you really kill that dirtbag Jay Roma?
:'''Tiffany''': Yeah.
:'''Violet''': Do you regret it?
:'''Tiffany''': Not for a minute.
:'''Violet''': I think we're going to get along swell.
:'''Tiffany''': BFFs.
:'''Violet''': Don't push it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiffany''': How'd you get this way?
:'''Violet''': What way?
:'''Tiffany''': You know what I'm talking about. We're one and the same, Violet. You weren't always like this. What happened?
:'''Violet''': I had a really bad day.
:'''Tiffany''': So, I've got a question, and you totally don't have to answer it if you don't want to. But what are you gonna do?
:'''Lilith''': You are going to make Foster Prentiss pay for what he did. That is what you are going to do.
:'''Violet''': I know you.
:'''Tiffany''': Well, I don't. How'd you get in here?
:'''Lilith''': I go by many names. But you can call me Lilith.
:'''Tiffany''': Are you getting blackmailed, too?
:'''Lilith''': No. But we have so much in common.
:'''Violet''': We were all blessed with great hair?
:'''Lilith''': Men in our pasts have wronged us.
:'''Tiffany''': What's this all about?
:'''Lilith''': It's very simple, actually. Foster Prentiss killed a girl once. And now you are going to kill Foster Prentiss. And in exchange for this task, you will never have to worry about anyone finding out your secrets again. You will be truly safe. And why the sad faces, girls? It's not like you haven't killed before.
:'''Violet''': So, what's one more dead jerk, right?
:'''Lilith''': Exactly.
:'''Tiffany''': Why don't you kill him, then?
:'''Lilith''': And not share the fun? ''[snaps her fingers and the doors open]'' Oh. You forgot to thank me for those tickets to the show. It's not like they arrived by magic, you know. Ta-ta!
:'''Violet''': So what do we do now?
:'''Tiffany''': I've got an idea, chica.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiffany''': Anything?
:'''Alexis''': The only thing I can tell you about Lilith is that according to Jewish folklore, she left her husband, Adam, after she refused to become subservient to him. Although... Dr. Holly Brown writes: &quot;The demonization of Lilith was designed to keep women alienated from their own power and spiritual authority.&quot; Now that's what I call girl power.
:'''Tiffany''': She was a demon?
:'''Violet''': She's Jewish?
:'''Alexis''': I don't know who this chick is, but it's obvious she knows way too much about us.
:'''Tiffany''': Lilith isn't the problem. Foster Prentiss is.
:'''Alexis''': Not for long.
:'''Violet''': I don't usually go around killing random dudes without a really good reason.
:'''Alexis''': The jerk threatened you. He's trying to extort you. He's obviously a total sleaze. What choice do you have?
:'''Tiffany''': What choice do ''we'' have?
:''[Alexis giggles]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Violet''': The human body can survive three to five days without water. Payback's a bitch. But dehydration is even worse.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': ''[in a magician's costume]'' Imagine being murdered with no one the wiser. Only a grieving mother that held out fruitless hope that you were still alive. Imagine what you would do to get revenge and rest in peace. Now just imagine. And wouldn't you know it? They also found another body buried in the grave. I wonder whose?

==Season 2==
===''16 Minutes of Fame''===
:'''Lilith''': Welcome to ''The Hot House'', where six celebrities with, shall we say, complicated histories live together in peace and harmony and resolve their issues like intelligent adults. Oh, that doesn't sound like much fun, does it? Perhaps rats on a sinking ship would be a much more accurate metaphor? Rats without access to cell phones or the Internet. No windows, and all the doors sealed shut, under lock and key, as it were. And we, the lucky viewers, get to watch them interact 24-7, as they try and figure out their, oh, so fascinating dilemmas. Unlike some other Reality TV shows, no one in this house was meant to get voted off. However, in the end, most of them did get eliminated. Where did it all go wrong? Perhaps we should start by meeting our housemates. Tina Hendricks. Famous for, well, being famous. Her father runs a movie studio, so she has access to all the A-list parties. Her line of face creams and body scrubs, Tina's Essence, was selling well, but her true claim to fame was – oh, you guessed it. A love tape. Lucky Starr. Cute, isn't he? With a velvet voice to go with that adorable face. Third runner up on ''Superstar USA''. Lucky's debut album dropped last Spring, then kept on dropping to the bottom of the charts. Rumor has it Lucky was the one who leaked his one-night stand with Tina online. A guy's gotta do what he can to stay in the public eye. Roger Reynolds, star of another popular reality show called ''The Catch''. Roger caused quite a scandal when he proposed to not one, but two women in the show's finale. And no, he's not Mormon, just indecisive. Roger was engaged again, three weeks later, to Tina. But they're no longer together. Bebe. No last name; just Bebe. She's our resident party girl. Mouthy, obnoxious, and rarely sober. In other words, a hero to millions with more Twitter followers than Charlie Sheen and Ashton K combined. And also the reason why Tina and Roger are no longer an item. Pecs, trainer to the stars and half of the world's passionate love story. The other half being himself. And there's a long waiting list for Pecs' services, known as Celebrity Boot Camp. Because he's known for his killer workout, bound to get any Hollywood starlet back in shape. And finally, Angel Tomlin, the serious actress. The artist with the single-minded goal to win an Oscar before she turns 30. She has a way to go. Her last credit was ''Eat and Run'', a direct-to-DVD zombie movie that you may have had the good fortune to miss. So she's a little bit anxious to up her game. And to do that, an actress's first priority must be getting back into tip-top shape. You got all that? Good. Because things are really starting to heat up in ''The Hot House''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': Angel was right about one thing. Bebe is about to become more famous than ever, now that she has stolen Angel's juicy role as the lone survivor of a crazed killer. As for Angel, well, she's learned the difference between fame and infamy. Life is such a bitch that way. There's already a film about her in the works, and rumor has it Natalie Portman is ready to kill for the part. Perhaps she'll get another Oscar, or maybe that honor will go to her makeup artist.

===''Gun Twisted''===
:'''Lilith''': Guns have always had the power to arouse. They symbolize control, virility and gratification. They also go by many names. Maverick, Ice, Goose, Viper, Stinger, Slider, Tek and Heartbreaker. Loving a gun is a lot like loving a femme fatale. Both obsessions can lead you on a path to destruction.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bart''': A smart criminal sees the world a whole lot different than regular people. When I'm casing a joint, time slows down so much, it's like everything and everyone comes to a stop. Everything was just like you said, Laurie. The manager hires cute tellers. A good thing. Lookers don't risk getting killed. And the late afternoon guard is a gut-bucket slob. I'll bet you anything that loser never even practices with that cheap jack pistol they gave him. We can go out the rear exit and be in the alley in seconds. Standard issue digital camera with typical low resolution. So we can get away with simple disguises. And I saw your best pal, Sarah. And she's got &quot;bitch&quot; written all over her. All over her.

===''Trophy Wife''===
:'''Lilith''': Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, especially when that woman is about to be replaced by a younger, deadlier version of herself. And for all the Botox, liposuction and skin treatments a desperate housewife could buy, money cannot turn back the clock. It is the inevitable, inexorable passage of time that changes the rules. So now, Veronica's playing a new game, a game of survival, a game that I call &quot;Trophy Wife&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': Well, it looks like some scorned women aren't that furious after all. This one's for the first wives, for those women with the experience and the imagination younger women cannot even begin to know. For those women who know that love attraction isn't only to be found in soft, supple, young lips, smooth legs and perfectly sculpted bodies, but in the mind, in the psyche, in the darkest depths of your soul. As for Veronica and Gil, it really is one of nature's majestic wonders that two people, unique in their romantic depravity, have found one another, because after all, even psychopaths need love.

===''Extracurricular Activities''===
:'''Lilith''': When you're having an affair with another woman's husband, it's usually best not to do it directly under her nose. Institutions of higher learning have always been a hotbed of love activity. Teachers with teachers, students with students and the perennial favorite – teachers with students. Professor Kelsey Williams is about to discover that when you toy with an impressionable mind to get what you want, sometimes it proves impossible to stick to the lesson plan.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiffany''': Professor Williams, do you have a moment? I'd like to run my paper topic by you. I've decided to write about Joan of Arc.
:'''Kelsey Williams''': Why?
:'''Tiffany''': Well, I can't really think of a stronger woman than Joan of Arc.
:'''Kelsey''': Please. She was insane. She heard voices in her head, and was burned at the stake at 16. If you want to write about a strong woman, find someone who used their brains to get what they wanted. Someone like... Cleopatra.
:'''Tiffany''': But Cleopatra didn't use her brains. She used love to get men to do her bidding. She's far less noble than Joan of Arc.
:'''Kelsey''': That's where you're wrong. Women throughout history have had to use whatever resources were available to take matters into their own hands and get what they wanted. Men have muscles; women have their loving personality. Cleopatra looked at her options at the time and did what she had to do. And that took brains.
:'''Tiffany''': I never thought of it that way.
:'''Kelsey''': Well, there's a lot that I could teach you.
:'''Tiffany''': By the way, that's a lovely scent you're wearing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vera Rutledge''': I just can't tell you how disappointed I am in you both. The two of you have always been campus leaders. Right now, I'm dealing with overcrowded classrooms, tuition increases and the Cuesta Verde Conquistadors are going 0 for 12 this year. The last thing I need on my plate is a sorority love tape scandal. Girls! I can't get involved with this right now!
:'''Alexis''': We are so mortified, Dean Rutledge.
:'''Tiffany''': Don't worry. We'll take care of it.
:'''Vera''': Good. Now, I trust you ladies will handle this with the high standards that I've instilled in you in the last four years.
:'''Tiffany''': Of course.
:'''Vera''': Now, if you'll excuse me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kelsey Williams''': Dean Rutledge?
:'''Vera Rutledge''': Kelsey!
:'''Kelsey''': I got your message.
:'''Vera''': Yes, I wanted to have a word with you. I wanted you to know that we've zeroed in on November 21st for the career fair, and I'm looking for volunteers to help coordinate the event.
:'''Kelsey''': Well, you can count on me.
:'''Vera''': Good.
:'''Kelsey''': Is there... anything else?
:'''Vera''': No. That'll be all. ''[Kelsey starts to walk away]'' There is... one more thing. ''[Kelsey turns around and faces Vera]'' I want you to stop screwing my husband.
:'''Kelsey''': I don't know what you mean.
:'''Vera''': Let's... not do this, shall we? I know it's you. I'm not surprised. Jake always had a thing for the sleazy sorority type. And you certainly fit the bill. Flouncing around campus like a ridiculous harlot with a penchant for cheap perfume.
:'''Kelsey''': You know, I don't have to take that from you.
:'''Vera''': Yes, you do. Because you know I have it in my power to destroy you, and I will... with pleasure if I even get a hint that you are still seeing my husband behind my back. Trust me, you won't be able to get a job teaching kids how to tie their shoes. Are we clear? Walk away, Kelsey. There's not a man around as far as I can see. Don't make me speak to you again. ''[turns around and walks away from Kelsey]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiffany''': Hi, Professor Williams.
:'''Kelsey Williams''': What's happening?
:'''Tiffany''': ''[referring to Jake Rutledge]'' Oh, you didn't hear? They found evidence connecting him to his wife's murder.
:'''Kelsey''': What evidence?
:'''Tiffany''': The murder weapon. It was one of those night sticks that security guards use. They found traces of the Dean's blood, and the Professor's prints were all over it.
:'''Kelsey''': That's impossible.
:'''Tiffany''': He got it at Walmart. Security camera footage showed him buying it just days before the murder. Funny. He doesn't look like a murderer to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': Feminine wiles can be a tricky thing. When a woman uses love to get what she wants, she can easily turn a love-struck man into a dangerous weapon. Problem is, like any weapon, sometimes it can be turned against us. Unfortunately for Professor Kelsey Williams, she taught Chaz everything she knows.

===''Killer Instinct''===
:'''Lilith''': Davis Bennett just discovered that lethal things often come in pretty packages. But the lesson cost him his life. In this case, looks really can kill. As for Lauren Coleston, well, she's also about to learn something, which is that the life of a professional assassin is just as much about receiving pain as it is about dispensing it.

===''Bad Science''===
:'''Lilith''': We look in mirrors every day. The reflection back shows us what other people see. But it takes more than a mirror to see inside our souls. Matilda West has always been a force of nature, the type of woman who'll never back down from a challenge or take no for an answer. A woman who'll do almost anything to survive. But even someone as beautiful and brilliant and tough as Matilda will eventually meet her match in this world or the other.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dark Matilda West''': If everyone here is as naive as the three of you... in a few years, I'm gonna be running this dimension. ''[chuckles]''

===''Family Business''===
:'''Lilith''': It was once said that love means never having to say that you're sorry. Apparently, the copywriter that coined the trite phrase has never actually been in love. For in fact, anyone who's ever been in love knows love means always having to say that you're sorry. Devlin Grant is a man who's about to be sorrier than he ever dreamed, and get more than he bargained for, in a battle in which the spoils of victory may very well be his own soul.

===''Jail Break''===
:'''Lilith''': Remember Rafe Daniels? He works as a prison guard at the Cuesta Verde women's penitentiary. Most of the guards there have a reputation worse than the inmates they're supposed to be watching. But not Rafe. No; Rafe has a warm heart and a burning desire for true love. Unfortunately, it's hard to meet a girl you can take home to mother, when you work in a prison. It's definitely not a singles mixer. And the last time Rafe tried romancing a girl at work, well, let's just say he wound up with a real backstabber. One would've thought, after all that drama, Rafe would've learned his lesson. Oh, but it's not easy to ignore what the heart wants. And given all the evidence, stolen money, a gun, and at least one very dead body, well, one might assume that he is under the spell of yet another femme fatale.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rafe Daniels''': Dear Warden Jefferies, it has been an honor working for you at the Cuesta Verde Women's Correctional Facility for the last four years. However, recent events have taken such an emotional toll on me; I have decided it would be in my best interest to take a break from this line of work, at least temporarily. So it is with a heavy heart that I submit this letter of resignation, effective immediately. I will always have the utmost respect for you, sir, and wish you and your family only the best. Sincerely, Rafe Daniels.

===''Crazy Mary''===
:'''Lilith''': Poor Mary Mason. She's just can't seem to catch a break. All she wants is her old life back. With a happy home and a man that loves her and keep her safe and warm. Oh, but there is no safety when you're a lamb in a den full of wolves. Especially when everybody thinks that you're crazy. You may think things couldn't get any worse for our little daydreamer. Well, that's where you'd be wrong. Here at the Cuesta Verde Institute for the criminally insane, things are about to get, for the lack of a better word, a little nuts.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': Looks like Crazy Mary's adventures are just beginning. If you should ever happen to cross her path, I suggest you be very, very nice to her.

===''One Man's Death''===
:'''Lilith''': Todd Voight is a very lucky man. Successful, handsome and loved by two beautiful women. But tonight his luck runs out. He leaves two women mourning his death and discovering his secrets. All of his secrets.

===''Hell Hath No Furies''===
:'''Lilith''': ''[in a Christmas outfit]'' It looks like Lydia Gonzales's pleas for mercy have gone unheeded. Lydia did try and warn the judge that El Jefe could reach her, no matter where she would hide, and now, her warning is about to be proven all too true. It appears that Lydia Gonzales and the men and women of Cuesta Verde Precinct 13 are about to have a very, very bad Christmas. ''[chuckles]''

===''Libra''===
:'''Lilith''': It could be argued that there is a fine line between fantasy and reality. Dimitri Uzi Olesky just won his war against the Ryan mob. Oh, and he paid a very heavy price to do it. But all's fair in love and war, and for now, he is the undisputed crime boss of Cuesta Verde. Ironically, boss Olesky will pay for his sins, but retribution will come from a place he least expects it, for in the end, the scales of justice always tip one way or another.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Max Bailey''': Where am I, lady?
:'''Libra''': The name's not &quot;Lady&quot;. It's Libra.
:'''Max''': Okay, nice to meet you, um... Libra. My name is Max–
:'''Libra''': Max Bailey. I know. I've had Olesky's place under surveillance for weeks.
:'''Max''': Are you a cop?
:'''Libra''': You never know. But mostly just a concerned citizen. Same as you.
:'''Max''': That's the first time anyone's ever called me that.
:'''Libra''': Your father worked for Olesky. They were partners until Olesky cut him out of the business. When your father started to talk, Olesky had him killed. ''[removes her mask]'' You want revenge...just like I do. But instead of wearing a mask, you're helping the police. You're looking for Olesky's mole in Special Investigations.
:'''Max''': Yeah; Do you know who that is?
:'''Libra''': ''[removes her utility belt and drops it on the floor]'' Not yet.
:'''Max''': Look, I need to report in. Tomorrow night Olesky's having a sit-down with the other bosses.
:'''Libra''': That's right. ''[removes her evening gloves]'' I plan on being there.
:'''Max''': Who are you? I mean, nobody names their kid &quot;Libra&quot;.
:'''Libra''': We're on the same team, Max. We just wear different uniforms. ''[stares Max in the face]'' Do I frighten you?
:'''Max''': Isn't that the idea?
:'''Libra''': There's a reason you should be frightened of me. ''[removes her costume and reveals her body to Max]'' Before, I was just a woman. But gangsters aren't scared by women. They use them, exploit them, manipulate them. But Libra... she's a symbol. Someone that they can't bribe, scare or seduce. And the scales of justice always tip in Libra's favor. But right now, I'm not Libra. I'm just a woman.
:'''Max''': You're beautiful.
:'''Libra''': Thank you, Max Bailey. ''[kisses Max on the lips]'' So what do you know about Libras? Hmm?
:'''Max''': Ask me later.
:'''Libra''': Uh-huh.
:'''Max''': I'm still learning.
:'''Libra''': Yeah? Well... for one, we loathe cruelty, viciousness and vulgarity. But we believe in compassion and compromise.
:'''Max''': Doesn't sound like you.
:'''Libra''': You know what else? We like to be touched.
:'''Max''': Oh.
:'''Libra''': That leg isn't gonna give you trouble now, is it?
:'''Max''': No, I'll manage.
:'''Libra''': That's what I thought.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Max''': You thought I wouldn't know where you were going?
:'''Libra''': You shouldn't be here.
:'''Max''': Neither should you. Being anywhere near Olesky right now is a very bad idea.
:'''Libra''': Yeah, and you need to let me be. Let me take him down.
:'''Max''': Are you trying to get yourself killed? You try and get in there, and you're dead. Libra is a fictional comic book character. Somehow, I don't think the author based his stories on your real-life exploits. You're not Libra.
:'''Libra''': He let my mother die. Some kidnappers took her for some easy score. They tried to ransom her back. $5 million. They wanted $5 million. Pocket change for my father. He told them to go screw themselves. Refused to pay a dime. Cops found her a couple of days later – raped and mutilated. We had to have a closed casket. He didn't even come to the funeral – too busy seducing one of his harlots.
:'''Max''': You're Anya Olesky?
:'''Libra''': No. I'm Libra. And these streets are mine. And tonight Dimitri Olesky will pay for the blood that he has spilled.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angel Tomlin''': The play's the thing wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king. [[William Shakespeare|Shakespeare]], [[Hamlet#Act II|''Hamlet'', Act II]]. We are going to take this to Broadway. ''Shakespeare Undressed''. And then... I'd like to thank the Academy. It is such an honor to accept this award on behalf of everyone involved in ''Shakespeare Undressed''. I am especially indebted to [[w:Patrick Stewart|Sir Patrick Stewart]] for his guidance and his support. Thank you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Max''': Well, you got your revenge. I guess we both did. Now what?
:'''Libra''': It's not about us anymore. There's a lot of people suffering in Cuesta Verde. People who have no one to help them. Cuesta Verde needs a symbol. A champion for the oppressed.
:'''Max''': You know anyone for the job?
:'''Libra''': I might.
:'''Max''': That was a rhetorical question.
:'''Libra''': I can't do this all by myself. I need a Robin.
:'''Max''': A Robin? Your very own Boy Wonder? I don't think so.
:'''Libra''': Ah, come on. You'd look hot in tights.
:'''Max''': We'll see, Anya.
:'''Libra''': The name's Libra, and these streets are mine.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': We all wear masks – sometimes for fun and other times for disguise or protection. Some masks are steel. Some are satin. Some are silk, and some are leather. They're the faces of a stranger, but we love to try them on. Hopefully, you'll find one that is a perfect fit. Anya Olesky did.

==Cast==
===Main Cast===
* [[w:Tanit Phoenix|Tanit Phoenix]] – Lilith

===Notable Guest Stars===
* Ariauna Albright as Dream Woman
* Ana Alexander as Camille Gardner
* [[w:Sadie Alexandru|Sadie Alexandru]] as Janelle
* [[Crystal Allen]] as Rhonda Temple
* [[w:Mark A. Altman|Mark A. Altman]] as the Voice of the Desk Clerk
* Catherine Annette as Tiffany
* [[w:Domiziano Arcangeli|Domiziano Arcangeli]] as Chaka
* [[w:Scott Bailey (actor)|Scott Bailey]] as Greg Cooper
* Carlee Baker as Beth Odets
* [[w:Cameron Bender|Cameron Bender]] as Tom Lomax
* [[w:Daniel Bess|Daniel Bess]] as Logan Cale
* [[w:Ryan Bittle|Ryan Bittle]] as Archie Beecham
* Philip Boyd as Nick
* Walker Brandt as Amy
* [[w:J.C. Brandy|J.C. Brandy]] as Maxine
* Tiffany Brouwer as Holly Brown
* David Bygrave as Boyfriend
* Daniel Capellaro as Todd Voight
* Tina Casciani as Barbara
* [[w:Jeffrey Combs|Jeffrey Combs]] as the Voice of the Interrogator
* [[w:Rick Copp|Rick Copp]] as Richard Hollis / Teacher
* [[w:Ellie Cornell|Ellie Cornell]] as Detective Janet Wright
* Mark Costello as Detective Mitchum
* Marc Crumpton as Foster Prentiss
* Stephanie Danielson as Emily
* Kristen DeLuca as Beverly Dietrich
* Asher Deva as Ricardo
* James Devoti as Cam
* Andrew Dickler as R.J.
* [[w:Casper Van Dien|Casper Van Dien]] as Joe Hallenbeck
* [[w:Danica Dillon|Danica Dillon]] as Caroline / Virginia
* [[w:Charles Divins|Charles Divins]] as Dr. Troy
* Christine Donlon as Violet MacReady
* Sean Douglas as Pressman
* [[w:Daphnée Duplaix|Daphnée Duplaix]] as Alexis
* Madison Dylan as Alexis
* [[w:Kiko Ellsworth|Kiko Ellsworth]] as Detective Carter Judson
* [[w:John Enos III|John Enos III]] as Gil Flood
* [[w:Jeff Fahey|Jeff Fahey]] as Detective McAllister
* Tammy Felice as Kim
* Gigi Feshold as Bebe
* Chanon Finley as Lisa Bannion
* Jon Fleming as Aaron
* [[w:Raymond Forchion|Raymond Forchion]] as Judge Aldrich
* [[w:Bren Foster|Bren Foster]] as Howard
* [[w:Vivica A. Fox|Vivica A. Fox]] as Dean Vera Rutledge
* [[w:Kyle Gass|Kyle Gass]] as Willoughby Flagler
* [[w:Carrie Genzel|Carrie Genzel]] as Dr. Marlowe
* Diana Gettinger as Laurie
* Paul Green as Marvin Widmark
* Anne Lee Greene as Kendra Banks
* Ian Gregory as Charles McKendrick
* Nikki Griffin as Nicole Ryan
* [[w:Dean Haglund|Dean Haglund]] as Kip
* [[w:Ashley Hamilton|Ashley Hamilton]] as Devlin Grant
* [[w:Steve Richard Harris|Steve Richard Harris]] as Lex
* Jules Hartley as Molly Trevor
* [[w:Reggie Hayes|Reggie Hayes]] as Kevin Freeman
* [[w:Erin Marie Hogan|Erin Marie Hogan]] as Emily
* [[w:Neil Hopkins|Neil Hopkins]] as Charles Solomon
* Stacy Stas Hurst as Jessica
* [[w:Adam Huss|Adam Huss]] as Max Bailey
* Heidi James as Big Aggie
* Andray Johnson as Uniform Cop #1
* [[w:Preston Jones (actor)|Preston Jones]] as Aaron
* Tom Kirlin as Guard
* Kerry Knuppe as Daphne
* [[w:Joe Kraemer (composer)|Joe Kraemer]] as Officer Taylor
* Steve Kriozere as Doctor
* [[w:Robert LaSardo|Robert LaSardo]] as Laz Swan
* [[w:William Gregory Lee|William Gregory Lee]] as Jimmy
* [[w:Kimo Leopoldo|Kimo Leopoldo]] as Bodyguard
* Christian Levantino as Pete Green
* [[w:Crystle Lightning|Crystle Lightning]] as Candela
* Vedette Lim as Agent Pam
* Scott Logan as Jake Rutledge
* Sierra Love as Isabella Cregar
* Kate Luyben as Mary Mason
* [[w:Jes Macallan|Jes Macallan]] as Susan Voight
* [[w:Stephen Macht|Stephen Macht]] as Leland Ryan
* Jordan Madley as Rachel Worth
* Janelle Marra as Gloria
* Michael Masini as Chris Gunden
* Brady Matthews as Chris Wade
* [[w:Paul Mazursky|Paul Mazursky]] as Warden Jeffries
* [[w:Sandra McCoy|Sandra McCoy]] as Professor Kelsey Williams
* Geoff Meed as O'Brien
* Cristin Michele as Cynthia
* [[w:Mirtha Michelle|Mirtha Michelle]] as Lauren Coleston
* [[w:Anya Monzikova|Anya Monzikova]] as Darla McKendrick
* Nikki Moore as Abigail Strauss
* [[w:Chris Mulkey|Chris Mulkey]] as Bendix Darby
* [[w:Isaiah Mustafa|Isaiah Mustafa]] as Raven
* Jo Newman as Jess Russell
* Ashley Noel as Matilda West / Dark Matilda West
* [[w:Charlie O'Connell|Charlie O'Connell]] as Jay Roma
* [[w:Ho-Sung Pak|Ho-Sung Pak]] as Superstar Assassin (aka The Ghost) / Fight Trainer
* Melissa Paulo as Erida
* Moniqua Plante as Sara
* [[w:Robert Picardo|Robert Picardo]] as Hieronymus Hawks
* Will Poston as Rafe Daniels
* Shani Pride as Tatiana
* [[w:Nick Principe|Nick Principe]] as Killer
* Tara Radcliffe as Joanne Terranova
* [[w:Paul Rae|Paul Rae]] as Guard
* [[w:Steve Railsback|Steve Railsback]] as Dr. Daniel Duryea
* Geoff Reeves as Steve Mason
* [[w:Arloa Reston|Arloa Reston]] as Sharon
* Makinna Ridgway as Angelica
* Jennifer Roa as Norma Swanson
* [[w:Eric Roberts|Eric Roberts]] as David Bannion
* Tobi Rodriguez as Lucky Starr
* Annie Ruby as Susan
* [[w:Betsy Rue|Betsy Rue]] as Libra
* [[w:Joel Rush|Joel Rush]] as Pecs
* Joe Sabatino as Iggy Bacardi
* [[Antonio Sabàto Jr.]] as Bart
* [[w:Leilani Sarelle|Leilani Sarelle]] as Veronica Flood
* Bryan Sato as Kentaro
* Donna W. Scott as Alicia Ryan
* [[Angus Scrimm]] as Dr. Chandler
* [[w:Scheana Shay|Scheana Shay]] as Angel Tomlin
* Justin Shilton as Robinson McGraw
* Mark Simich as Davis Bennett
* Aiden Simko as Chaz
* Joe Slaughter as Roger Reynolds
* Melissa Soso as Girl coming out of the elevator
* Hollie Stenson as Abby
* [[w:Robin Sydney|Robin Sydney]] as Lindsey
* Colin Tary as Andy
* Jennifer Thompson as Ace's New Girl
* Diana Elizabeth Torres as Lydia Gonzales / El Jefe
* [[w:Elena Tovar|Elena Tovar]] as Elena Machado
* Tyson Turrou as Doug
* Tiffany Tynes as Tina Hendricks
* [[w:Ilia Volok|Ilia Volok]] as Dimitri Uzi Olesky
* [[w:Jasmine Waltz|Jasmine Waltz]] as Tara
* Christopher Warner as Detective Brody
* Drew Waters as Robert Burke
* [[w:Charlie Weber (actor)|Charlie Weber]] as Ace
* Kit Willesee as Lacey Rivers
* Jason Wishnov as Man on Couch

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{IMDb title|1841108|Femme Fatales}}

[[Category:2010s American anthology TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American mystery TV shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Cinemax shows]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Femme Fatales (TV series)|Femme Fatales]]''''' is an anthology TV series, inspired by [[w:Femme Fatales (magazine)|the men's magazine of the same name]], with each episode following on [[w:antihero|antihero]] woman, intercut with [[w:Softcore pornography|softcore pornographic]] scenes, produced and aired by [[w:Cinemax|Cinemax]]. Lilith ([[w:Tanit Phoenix|Tanit Phoenix]]) introduces each episode [[w:Rod Serling|Rod Serling]]-style and occasionally appears within the narrative. Some characters make encore appearances in later episodes. Unlike most shows that feature [[w:porn actor|porn actor]]s, ''Femme Fatales'' features mainstream actors - such as [[w:Richard Kind|Richard Kind]], [[w:Adam Goldberg|Adam Goldberg]], [[w:Paul Mazursky|Paul Mazursky]], [[w:Ryan Bittle|Ryan Bittle]], [[w:Robert LaSardo|Robert LaSardo]], [[w:Stephen Macht|Stephan Macht]], [[w:William Gregory Lee|William Gregory Lee]], [[w:Dean Haglund|Dean Haglund]], [[w:Charlie O'Connell|Charlie O'Connell]], [[w:Daniel Bess|Daniel Bess]], [[w:Angus Scrimm|Angus Scrimm]], [[w:Carrie Genzel|Carrie Genzel]], [[w:Ellie Cornell|Ellie Cornell]], [[w:Neil Hopkins|Neil Hopkins]] in season 1, and [[w:Antonio Sabato Jr.|Antonio Sabato Jr.]], [[w:Kyle Gass|Kyle Gass]], [[w:Leilani Sarelle|Leilani Sarelle]], [[w:Chris Mulkey|Chris Mulkey]], [[w:Scheana Marie|Scheana Marie]], [[w:John Enos III|John Enos III]], [[w:Vivica A. Fox|Vivica A. Fox]], [[w:Sandra McCoy|Sandra McCoy]], [[w:Jeffrey Combs|Jeffrey Combs]], [[w:Robert Picardo|Robert Picardo]], [[w:Ashley Hamilton|Ashley Hamilton]], [[w:Nikki Griffin|Nikki Griffin]], [[w:Eric Roberts|Eric Roberts]], Kate Luyben, [[w:Steve Railsback|Steve Railsback]], [[w:Paul Rae|Paul Rae]], [[w:Jes Macallan|Jes Macallan]], [[w:Casper Van Dien|Casper Van Dien]], [[w:Jeff Fahey|Jeff Fahey]], and [[w:Betsy Rue|Betsy Rue]] in season 2.
__NOTOC__
{| border=0 cellpadding=2 style=&quot;border: 1px solid silver;&quot;
! width=&quot;33%&quot; style=&quot;border: 3px solid red;&quot; | [[#Season 1|Season 1]]
! width=&quot;33%&quot; style=&quot;border: 3px solid orange;&quot; | [[#Season 2|Season 2]]
|-
|[[#Behind Locked Doors|Behind Locked Doors]]
|[[#16 Minutes of Fame|16 Minutes of Fame]]
|-
|[[#Bad Medicine|Bad Medicine]]
|[[#Gun Twisted|Gun Twisted]]
|-
|[[#Something Like Murder|Something Like Murder]]
|[[#Trophy Wife|Trophy Wife]]
|-
|[[#Speed Date|Speed Date]]
|[[#Extracurricular Activities|Extracurricular Activities]]
|-
|[[#The White Flower|The White Flower]]
|[[#Killer Instinct|Killer Instinct]]
|-
|[[#Girls Gone Dead|Girls Gone Dead]]
|[[#Bad Science|Bad Science]]
|-
|[[#Haunted|Haunted]]
|[[#Family Business|Family Business]]
|-
|[[#Angels &amp; Demons|Angels &amp; Demons]]
|[[#Jail Break|Jail Break]]
|-
|[[#Help Me, Rhonda|Help Me, Rhonda]]
|[[#Crazy Mary|Crazy Mary]]
|-
|[[#The Clinic|The Clinic]]
|[[#One Man's Death|One Man's Death]]
|-
|[[#Till Death Do Us Part|Till Death Do Us Part]]
|[[#Hell Hath No Furies|Hell Hath No Furies]]
|-
|[[#Visions, Part 1|Visions, Part 1]]
|[[#Libra|Libra]]
|-
|[[#Visions, Part 2|Visions, Part 2]]
|
|-
! colspan=4 style=&quot;border: 3px solid silver;&quot; | [[#Cast|Cast]] — [[#External links|External links]]
|}

==Season 1==
===''Behind Locked Doors''===
:'''Lilith''': Prison can be a very scary place – survival of the fittest and all that. What's a spoiled young Hollywood actress to do when thrown into the tank with all those sharks? Those are just the prison guards. No, Lacey Rivers is going to have to rely on her one skill she can count on – her acting. You don't get $5 million a picture without any talent. Behind these locked doors, our little Lacey is about to give the performance of her life.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': Watch any Lacey Rivers movie, and you will always be treated to a happy ending. Well, poor Lacey. She's about to discover that real life rarely turns out like a G-rated family film. Karma can be such a bitch.

===''Bad Medicine''===
:'''Lilith''': ''[in a nurse's uniform]'' All superheroes have a story of origin, from an awkward teenager that's bitten by a radioactive spider, a daring test pilot that's bestowed a very powerful ring, an alien from the planet Krypton that crash-lands on Earth. A femme fatale, you see, well, she's cut from similar cloth. Some women are born to be empowered and dangerous and they embrace it according to their nature. Well, the essence of a femme fatale may be lying dormant, just waiting for fate to see her free.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': ''[still in her nurse's uniform]'' It looks like Greg is in for an electrifying experience. And as for our sweet Nurse Violet, she's blossomed into quite a woman – a newly-minted femme fatale in control of her own destiny and administering her own dose of bad medicine.

===''Something Like Murder''===
:'''Lilith''': Whenever you find a rich man, you are bound to find a gold-digger waiting to take him for everything he's got. Well, tonight, somewhere in these Hollywood hills, this gold-digger really was using a shovel. It's been said the taste of evil smells like honeysuckle. I wouldn't argue with that, but tonight, there is a distinct smell in the air and it smells like murder.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': Poor Darla. She thought she'd planned the perfect murder, but greed makes suckers of all of us. There is no easy way to make money in this economy. Unless, of course, you're Elena Machado, a hard-working cleaning woman, who just got a very, very big severance package. I guess it's safe to say she won't be coming to work on Monday.

===''Speed Date''===
:'''Kevin Freeman''': I like a woman who knows herself. Confidence is beauty. There's nothing lovelier than a woman who is comfortable in her own skin. An independent woman, with a spry personality and an old soul. That's the one for me. I'm Troy. When I'm in the outdoors, it's about freedom. I read. Losing myself in the pages of a good book is pure nirvana. Like an hour-long bubble bath, with bath bombs from bliss. My best friends are Charlie Parker and John Coltrane. Without them, I am lost. Simply put: their music is the soundtrack of my life. Yeah, I know I'm good-looking, but that's not worth a hill of beans unless you find the right girl to spend life's special moments with. And let me tell you: In this town, it's been tough to find that special someone. If you're confident, if you're independent, if you're open-minded, passionate, genuine, creative, funny... if you think you're her, and you think we'll click, please, contact me. DocTroy77. Thank you, Doctor Troy. Ladies, all of our lines are open.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': We all tell little white lies. We lie about our height, our weight, where we've been and where we're going. And tonight, video game developer Kevin Freeman is about to discover that when his fantasy turns into reality, honesty, in fact, may be the best policy as his little white lies get him into a world of trouble.

===''The White Flower''===
:'''Lilith''': Money. It's been said it is the root of all evil. Well, tonight, in this seedy motel room, two men are about to find out that it's the devil's honest truth – that when the fickle finger of fate points in your direction, the most innocuous omen may be the harbinger of doom, and it may come in the most enticing package with a heart that beats of pure deceit. So tonight, I bequeath to you &quot;The White Flower&quot;.

===''Girls Gone Dead''===
:'''Lilith''': ''[in a school uniform]'' Psychologists believe that the brain doesn't stop maturing until we're well into our twenties. So what does that mean for a girl who's turned 18? Legally, she's an adult, yet she still has a brain that's... well, let's just say a brain that's not fully cooked. ''[giggles]'' I guess that's why you can say we go away to college. It's like an incubator. A place to keep our bodies safe and our brains baking. Until we're able to make informed intelligent choices. But what happens when our bodies are ready, willing and able, yet our minds are not mature enough to make these right decisions, especially when faced with a friendly smile and irresistible temptations like... a T-shirt, or worse, plastic beads? You can't expect a girl, whose body that's trying to catch up to its brain, to understand concepts like consequences, particularly with a little booze involved, and some soft light and a charming man with a camera.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jay Roma''': I guarantee there is not a hotter party in the world and no place I'd rather be than right here with the girls of Theta Alpha Nu! Ten smoking hot coeds and yours truly! I got a feeling we're gonna see some truly ''Crazy Chixx''! Let's find out just how crazy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jay''': I have a strict policy; I don't... participate.
:'''Alexis''': Why not?
:'''Jay''': I built my brand on ''Crazy Chixx'', not on some dirtbag trying to get with them.
:'''Tiffany''': You've never been in one of your videos?
:'''Jay''': No. Never. It would ruin my reputation.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kip''': Nobody lives here.
:'''Erida''': Of course we live here; it's our sorority house.
:'''Kip''': This is no sorority. Nobody lives here... and that's water!
:'''Erida''': Water is the source of all life.
:'''Kip''': Why are all the vodka bottles filled with water?!
:'''Erida''': We don't wanna be drunk for this.
:'''Kip''': Who are you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jay''': Where the hell is Kip?
:'''Erida''': My fault. Sorry.
:'''Jay''': Well, where the hell is he?
:'''Erida''': Let's just say his willpower lost this time.
:'''Jay''': Kip, you're fired!!
:'''Erida''': Don't blame him! He couldn't resist.
:'''Jay''': Well, what happened? What'd you do? Jeez! He knows better! To hell with him. You know how to work this thing?
:'''Emily''': Hell, yeah.
:'''Jay''': Good. Come on! I wanna make this lousy bastard sorry.
:'''Tiffany''': We have just the thing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jay''': Uh, all right, look, this is getting kinda dangerous. Tiffany?
:'''Tiffany''': I'm getting kind of used to that name. It's got a nice ring to it. My real name is Jessica. But you wouldn't remember that, would you, Jay? Tiffany, well... it's just a variation of a Greek name. Tisiphone. She was a goddess... the goddess of vengeance.
:'''Jay''': All right, uh... Kip!!
:'''Tiffany''': But I thought you wanted to meet Caroline.
:'''Jay''': Screw Caroline!
:'''Tiffany''': You already did!! You got me and Caroline drunk. Really drunk. Then you gave us some money. And then you ruined our lives! We had to drop out of school, change our names, and no matter where we moved or what we did, we could not get away from what we did for you! Of course, I handled it a lot better than she did.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kip''': I know you. Your name's not Erida, is it?
:'''Erida''': Very good, Kip. I'm gonna give you a little lesson in Greek mythology. You see, Erida was a Greek goddess... the goddess of hate. She could only be appeased once blood was spilled.
:'''Kip''': What are you gonna do?
:'''Erida''': Isn't it obvious?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alexis''': By the way, I'm Ashley. When you filmed me, that was my name.
:'''Tiffany''': It was her brilliant idea to use Greek names.
:'''Alexis''': Alexis, from the Greek name Alecto.
:'''Erida''': The goddess of unresting.
:'''Alexis''': I haven't rested since I met you, Jay.
:'''Erida''': Ash graduated magna cum laude in Ancient Greek. She's a member of Mensa, bonehead.
:'''Alexis''': I have a feeling I'll rest tonight.
:'''Jay''': What do you want?! What do you want?!!
:'''Erida''': Isn't it obvious?
:'''Tiffany''': We all appeared in your videos. Now it's your turn to be in ours.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jay''': Okay. All right. I know what you're doing, you dumb bitches! You think you're gonna embarrass me?! You think you're gonna film me and make me look like an idiot and ruin my reputation?! When I get out of here, you're gonna be dead! To hell with you, and to hell with your harlot friend Caroline!
:'''Emily''': And to think I had second thoughts about this.
:'''Tiffany''': I told you it would be worth it.
:'''Jay''': I'm gonna sue you! I oughta sue you for everything you've got! You wanna film me?! You wanna film me? Go ahead and film me, you stupid harlots!
:'''Tiffany''': Come on. Let's go upstairs and clean up.
:'''Jay''': Wait!
:'''Tiffany''': Congrats, Jay. This will definitely be your biggest hit ever.
:'''Jay''': Where are you going? Hey. Hey, come back here! No! Come back! Please! Hey! Come back...! ''[coughs and chokes]'' Hey! Help! Help!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': ''[giggles]'' Luckily, most people can't speak Greek. If Kip or Jay did, they may recognize that Theta Alpha Nu are the first three letters of the word Thanatos. That's Greek for death. Clever girls. Jay Roma. Made his first million at the age of 25. Made his first hundred million by the age of 32. But by 35, 20 million hits on his very last video. I guess these chicks are crazier than what he ever dreamed. And as the Greeks say – Kali nichta. Good night.

===''Haunted''===
:'''Lilith''': Five bedrooms, three and a half bathrooms, a swimming pool and a bonus guest house. This house would be a real steal, if it weren't haunted. But how could you prove that? Or disprove it? And would you live in a house with that kind of storied reputation? Would you even spend one night? Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': Do you believe in ghosts or demons? Do you think it's possible for them to enter our world? Maybe the next time you meet a girl that seems too good to be true, she may very well be the ultimate femme fatale. ''[slowly fades away into thin air]''

===''Angel &amp; Demons''===
:'''Lilith''': The animal kingdom is a fiercely violent domain. Animals kill for food, for territory and for survival. But there is one animal that's known to kill for pleasure – man. We live in a world populated by angels and demons. You're about to meet both.

===''Help Me, Rhonda''===
:'''Lilith''': You all know Camille Gardner – a beautiful woman who, like so many, got married too young, too soon. Well, now she's living a life she never imagined for herself with an abusive husband and aimless existence. Oh, and her world's about to get so much worse. Tango's beautiful, isn't she? Well, get ready, 'cause you're about to meet some animals that aren't nearly as pretty.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Camille Gardner, in a bathrobe, finds Rhonda Temple in a red one-piece swimsuit, sitting outside in a lounge chair right next to a swimming pool]''
:'''Camille Gardner''': What the hell are you smiling about?
:'''Rhonda Temple''': I'm just thinking about our future.
:'''Camille''': ''[sits down right next to Rhonda]'' I guess you'll be thinking about our recent past.
:'''Rhonda''': Why bother? What's done is done. ''[removes Camille's hair braid and strokes her hair]'' I'm looking to spend my future with you.
:'''Camille''': Some woman came, asking for Eddie.
:'''Rhonda''': So?
:'''Camille''': I'm worried. She sounded like she was supposed to meet him here. If I were you, I'd be very concerned.
:'''Rhonda''': Why? When you can worry for the both of us? That's what you're good at, right?
:'''Camille''': You know, I should sit in the sun.
:'''Rhonda''': What for, when you can go for a swim? ''[removes Camille's robe, revealing her in a green one-piece swimsuit]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': ''[as a police detective]'' Mrs. Camille Gardner? Do you know what this is? Your house has been under surveillance for the past month. So you are under arrest for the murder of your husband. Now do not lie to us. Things will go a lot easier for you. Start by telling us where we can find Rhonda Temple.
:'''Camille''': ''[referring to Rhonda Temple]'' If we're under surveillance for a month, how come you don't know where she is? I have no idea where she is.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lacey Rivers''': So why are you here?
:'''Camille''': I killed my husband. Stabbed him in the chest six times.

===''The Clinic''===
:'''Lilith''': ''[in a doctor's uniform]'' Everyone wants to believe that they are going to live forever – that that tremor in their heart, the few extra pounds added over the holidays and the labored breathing after a morning run are all perfectly normal. ''[chuckles]'' But what happens when you find out they're not? What happens when you realize the life that you've been leading has an expiration date? What would you do to change that? Would you make the same choice that Logan Cale is about to make? And at what price?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': They say home is where the heart is, and unfortunately, for Logan Cale, this was all too true, proving you can truly buy anything for the right price. And if there's a moral to tonight's story and you find yourself sick and bedridden and might need to resort to desperate measures for a cure, I make this very humble suggestion: get a second opinion.

===''Till Death Do Us Part''===
:'''Lilith''': ''[in a one-piece swimsuit and sarong with a flower in her hair and a Hawaiian tropical drink in her hand]'' Aloha! I see you've met Rachel Worth. Poor thing. Can you believe it's her wedding day? Certainly not a very auspicious start. A bride needs something borrowed, something blue, but certainly not something dead. I guess the silver lining in all of this is the corpse is not the man she's planning to marry. But with her ceremony on a private beach near Waikiki looming in six hours, she best fix this little hiccup that's threatening her big day. ''[puts down her drink and walks up the steps to the top of a diving rock overlooking a swimming pool]'' Otherwise, there could very well be a whole new meaning to the phrase, &quot;Till death do us part&quot;. ''[takes off her sarong, dives into the water and swims]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rachel Worth''': We have to postpone the wedding.
:'''Cam''': No.
:'''Rachel''': Cam, we have no choice.
:'''Cam''': We're doing it. Just as we planned. Today.
:'''Rachel''': Why?
:'''Cam''': Because I have to be married by the time I'm 30.
:'''Rachel''': Sweetie, no, you don't.
:'''Cam''': When my grandmother died, she left me a $10 million trust fund. But there was a catch. She stipulated that I have to be married by my 30th birthday or I don't get the money.
:'''Rachel''': But why would she do something like that?
:'''Cam''': Gram was around long enough to see me go through my wild period. Let's just say she didn't exactly approve. She wanted me to settle down and make something of myself, which I did. Just after, she was gone. But there's still that clause in the will that I need to adhere to.
:'''Rachel''': Why didn't you tell me?
:'''Cam''': I was going to. I just... I didn't want you to think I was marrying you just so I can get my hands on the money. I'm marrying you because I love you, Rachel.
:'''Sharon''': Okay, that's really sweet, but what I wanna know is, what happens to the money if you don't get married?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rachel''': Kim. Oh, my God. It was you. You hired the stripper. And you made my first drink. You spiked it, which is why I was so out of it and can't remember anything! And someone would've had to record it. You actually made moans to make it look like it was actually happening, like I was awake and I was enjoying it?! And you were gonna to email it to Cam so he'd call off the wedding. And you would be next in line for the trust fund.
:'''Cam''': Kim, did you really murder this poor guy?
:'''Kim''': Poor guy? Poor guy? Oh, come on, Cam. Get off your high horse. Poor guy. He was just some sleazy stripper. Anyways, it was his own fault. No one was supposed to get hurt. But the bastard got greedy. He demanded half of the money, threatened to expose me to you and Rachel. So I just agreed to shut him up. But come on. I wasn't just gonna hand over $5 million to some lame fireman. So I made him the special cocktail that I made Rachel, and I kept him busy until it took effect. And I could handle this problem once and for all. But it turned out to be a much better plan than I anticipated. Because cheating is one thing, but accidentally killing a trick while making love the night before your wedding? Well, there's just no way that Cam was ever gonna say &quot;I do&quot;. Not to her.
:'''Rachel''': No wonder you wanted to call the cops! You knew it looked bad for me.
:'''Kim''': I did what I had to do! I mean, we're talking $10 million here! It's not fair! Okay? I was the good girl! I went to Nana's house every Sunday! I remembered her birthdays; he didn't! I was the one that got straight A's! I was the good girl! But the bitch left it all to him! Thought he could change! But it wasn't the money that changed him, Rachel. It was you.
:'''Rachel''': Your little Frederick's of Hollywood number – was it preshrunk?
:'''Kim''': No.
:''[Rachel picks up a lemonade pitcher and dumps lemonade on Kim's head]''
:'''Rachel''': Worst maid of honor ever.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': ''[still in her one-piece swimsuit and refreshed from swimming, her hair wet and her hand gently stroking the water]'' It's been said it's bad luck for a bride and groom to see each other before the wedding. Although, after the day they've had, I don't blame Rachel or Cam for throwing caution to the wind. As for lessons learned, it's an age-old question for women: Do you marry for love or for money? ''[chuckles]'' Luckily, though, for Rachel Worth, today she doesn't have to choose. Mahalo.

===''Visions, Part 1''===
:'''Lilith''': ''[in a magician's costume]'' Mentalism is a performing art whose practitioners demonstrate highly developed mental and intuitive abilities such as telepathy, clairvoyance and mind control. Foster Prentiss, the Amazing Mysterium, possesses no such skill. He is a complete and utter fraud. Unfortunately, there's nothing phony about murder. Foster will stop at nothing to get what he wants and must put on a performance of a lifetime. But maybe this time, the ruse is on him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Foster Prentiss hears a loud splash and he goes outside to investigate, only to find Jessica, in a black one-piece swimsuit, swimming in a pool]''
:'''Foster Prentiss''': Can I help you?
:'''Jessica''': I think we can help each other. I hear you're looking for a new assistant. I've seen your act. You're very good. But you could be great with the right help.
:'''Foster''': Yeah, I'm not looking for any help. Thank you.
:'''Jessica''': I look fabulous in fishnets, and even better without them. Won't you consider letting me audition, or at least fetching me that towel?
:''[Foster Prentiss laughs. Several minutes later, Jessica is seducing Prentiss in bed]''
:'''Jessica''': By the way, my name is Jessica.
:'''Foster''': Pleased to meet you, Jessica. ''[laughs]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Foster Prentiss is stunned by the realization of what Violet MacReady did at the Cuesta Verde Hospital]''
:'''Foster''': I don't know how this can be happening to me! I saw her! I saw what she did and I saw her kill a guy! She knows that I know. She knows I know. What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do now? ''[yells at the top of his lungs]'' You just tell me what– ''[Jessica strikes Foster in the face]'' Bloody hell! You hit me?! Jeez, are you crazy?!!
:'''Jessica''': Calm the hell down! Nobody killed anybody. You didn't see anything. That was incredible! Whatever hell scam you're pulling is working! Did you see their faces out there? They're eating it up.
:'''Foster''': Yeah – no, no, it wasn't a scam. What I felt out there was real.
:'''Jessica''': Sure it was. But now... you gotta keep your eye on the prize. If we're gonna score any of that rich bitch's cash, she needs to believe that you can talk to her dead daughter. So get out there and finish the damn show.
:'''Foster''': Okay, okay. Yeah, okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': So the man you apparently saw is Jay Roma. He started ''Crazy Chixx''. He was murdered a few months back, and his death was streamed on the Internet.
:'''Foster''': Why is this happening to me, though? That's what I don't understand.
:'''Jessica''': The other tart is Violet MacReady. She is a person of interest in two recent killings: one of a local, prestigious surgeon; the other – some two-bit gangbanger.
:'''Foster''': You know, I never thought this was possible. Why have I been given such a powerful gift?
:'''Jessica''': The question you should be asking yourself... is, how can we exploit it?
:'''Foster''': Exploit it?!
:'''Jessica''': Jeez! Do I have to spell everything out to you? Blackmail. You're already a fraud. What's another sin, or three?
:'''Foster''': You don't believe me, do you?
:'''Jessica''': ''[takes Foster's hand and holds it up to her face]'' Do you see anything interesting, swami?
:'''Foster''': ''[after receiving visions of what Jessica recently did, finally realizes the truth]'' You killed your boyfriend, set him up and sold his organs for spare parts!
:'''Jessica''': How did you...?! No one knows about that.
:'''Foster''': I told you, the visions are real, Jessica.
:'''Jessica''': You know what, Foster? I think we're gonna be really, really rich.

===''Visions, Part 2''===
:'''Foster Prentiss''': Firstly, of course, I would like to apologize for keeping you waiting so long. But I bet you're wondering what you're both doing here, right?
:'''Violet MacReady''': No kidding, Sherlock.
:'''Prentiss''': Well... you do have a temper on you, don't you? See, I invited you both here to give you a chance to move on with the rest of your life.
:'''Tiffany''': I'm so gone. ''[starts to leave]''
:'''Jessica''': ''[stops Tiffany from leaving]'' Shut up and listen.
:'''Prentiss''': Yeah, I think you should listen to her. Or, of course, I could just call the authorities and tell them about Jay Roma.
:'''Tiffany''': Who?
:'''Jessica''': Don't be coy, darling. The world may not miss a smut peddler like that, but it still won't get you off with the cops. ''[turns to Violet]'' And you, Violet. You're not as sweet and innocent as you look, are you?
:'''Foster''': Ooh, someone messed with the wrong nurse. Eh, chica?
:'''Violet''': How do you know all this?
:'''Foster''': Because I'm the Amazing Mysterium! And I know all.
:'''Violet''': What do you want with us, Mr. Amazing?
:'''Foster''': What do I want? What could I possibly want? What could I want? How about... money! That's exactly what I want.
:'''Violet''': Well, you better take another look into your crystal ball, because I'm not an ATM. I'm broke.
:'''Tiffany''': And I'm still trying to pay off my student loans.
:'''Violet''': So you've got the wrong chica, ese.
:'''Foster''': ''[slams the table with his hand]'' Well, then you better find some money fast!! Both of you got 48 hours or the next time you sit down with somebody, it'll be with a public defender! ''[calms down]'' Why don't you just think about it a little bit, OK? Good afternoon, ladies. I hope you enjoy the show.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiffany''': We haven't formally met. Tiffany.
:'''Violet''': Violet.
:'''Tiffany''': You've got incredible eyes, Violet.
:'''Violet''': Thanks. Nice dress, Wilma Flintstone. So, did you really kill that dirtbag Jay Roma?
:'''Tiffany''': Yeah.
:'''Violet''': Do you regret it?
:'''Tiffany''': Not for a minute.
:'''Violet''': I think we're going to get along swell.
:'''Tiffany''': BFFs.
:'''Violet''': Don't push it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiffany''': How'd you get this way?
:'''Violet''': What way?
:'''Tiffany''': You know what I'm talking about. We're one and the same, Violet. You weren't always like this. What happened?
:'''Violet''': I had a really bad day.
:'''Tiffany''': So, I've got a question, and you totally don't have to answer it if you don't want to. But what are you gonna do?
:'''Lilith''': You are going to make Foster Prentiss pay for what he did. That is what you are going to do.
:'''Violet''': I know you.
:'''Tiffany''': Well, I don't. How'd you get in here?
:'''Lilith''': I go by many names. But you can call me Lilith.
:'''Tiffany''': Are you getting blackmailed, too?
:'''Lilith''': No. But we have so much in common.
:'''Violet''': We were all blessed with great hair?
:'''Lilith''': Men in our pasts have wronged us.
:'''Tiffany''': What's this all about?
:'''Lilith''': It's very simple, actually. Foster Prentiss killed a girl once. And now you are going to kill Foster Prentiss. And in exchange for this task, you will never have to worry about anyone finding out your secrets again. You will be truly safe. And why the sad faces, girls? It's not like you haven't killed before.
:'''Violet''': So, what's one more dead jerk, right?
:'''Lilith''': Exactly.
:'''Tiffany''': Why don't you kill him, then?
:'''Lilith''': And not share the fun? ''[snaps her fingers and the doors open]'' Oh. You forgot to thank me for those tickets to the show. It's not like they arrived by magic, you know. Ta-ta!
:'''Violet''': So what do we do now?
:'''Tiffany''': I've got an idea, chica.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiffany''': Anything?
:'''Alexis''': The only thing I can tell you about Lilith is that according to Jewish folklore, she left her husband, Adam, after she refused to become subservient to him. Although... Dr. Holly Brown writes: &quot;The demonization of Lilith was designed to keep women alienated from their own power and spiritual authority.&quot; Now that's what I call girl power.
:'''Tiffany''': She was a demon?
:'''Violet''': She's Jewish?
:'''Alexis''': I don't know who this chick is, but it's obvious she knows way too much about us.
:'''Tiffany''': Lilith isn't the problem. Foster Prentiss is.
:'''Alexis''': Not for long.
:'''Violet''': I don't usually go around killing random dudes without a really good reason.
:'''Alexis''': The jerk threatened you. He's trying to extort you. He's obviously a total sleaze. What choice do you have?
:'''Tiffany''': What choice do ''we'' have?
:''[Alexis giggles]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Violet''': The human body can survive three to five days without water. Payback's a bitch. But dehydration is even worse.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': ''[in a magician's costume]'' Imagine being murdered with no one the wiser. Only a grieving mother that held out fruitless hope that you were still alive. Imagine what you would do to get revenge and rest in peace. Now just imagine. And wouldn't you know it? They also found another body buried in the grave. I wonder whose?

==Season 2==
===''16 Minutes of Fame''===
:'''Lilith''': Welcome to ''The Hot House'', where six celebrities with, shall we say, complicated histories live together in peace and harmony and resolve their issues like intelligent adults. Oh, that doesn't sound like much fun, does it? Perhaps rats on a sinking ship would be a much more accurate metaphor? Rats without access to cell phones or the Internet. No windows, and all the doors sealed shut, under lock and key, as it were. And we, the lucky viewers, get to watch them interact 24-7, as they try and figure out their, oh, so fascinating dilemmas. Unlike some other Reality TV shows, no one in this house was meant to get voted off. However, in the end, most of them did get eliminated. Where did it all go wrong? Perhaps we should start by meeting our housemates. Tina Hendricks. Famous for, well, being famous. Her father runs a movie studio, so she has access to all the A-list parties. Her line of face creams and body scrubs, Tina's Essence, was selling well, but her true claim to fame was – oh, you guessed it. A love tape. Lucky Starr. Cute, isn't he? With a velvet voice to go with that adorable face. Third runner up on ''Superstar USA''. Lucky's debut album dropped last Spring, then kept on dropping to the bottom of the charts. Rumor has it Lucky was the one who leaked his one-night stand with Tina online. A guy's gotta do what he can to stay in the public eye. Roger Reynolds, star of another popular reality show called ''The Catch''. Roger caused quite a scandal when he proposed to not one, but two women in the show's finale. And no, he's not Mormon, just indecisive. Roger was engaged again, three weeks later, to Tina. But they're no longer together. Bebe. No last name; just Bebe. She's our resident party girl. Mouthy, obnoxious, and rarely sober. In other words, a hero to millions with more Twitter followers than Charlie Sheen and Ashton K combined. And also the reason why Tina and Roger are no longer an item. Pecs, trainer to the stars and half of the world's passionate love story. The other half being himself. And there's a long waiting list for Pecs' services, known as Celebrity Boot Camp. Because he's known for his killer workout, bound to get any Hollywood starlet back in shape. And finally, Angel Tomlin, the serious actress. The artist with the single-minded goal to win an Oscar before she turns 30. She has a way to go. Her last credit was ''Eat and Run'', a direct-to-DVD zombie movie that you may have had the good fortune to miss. So she's a little bit anxious to up her game. And to do that, an actress's first priority must be getting back into tip-top shape. You got all that? Good. Because things are really starting to heat up in ''The Hot House''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': Angel was right about one thing. Bebe is about to become more famous than ever, now that she has stolen Angel's juicy role as the lone survivor of a crazed killer. As for Angel, well, she's learned the difference between fame and infamy. Life is such a bitch that way. There's already a film about her in the works, and rumor has it Natalie Portman is ready to kill for the part. Perhaps she'll get another Oscar, or maybe that honor will go to her makeup artist.

===''Gun Twisted''===
:'''Lilith''': Guns have always had the power to arouse. They symbolize control, virility and gratification. They also go by many names. Maverick, Ice, Goose, Viper, Stinger, Slider, Tek and Heartbreaker. Loving a gun is a lot like loving a femme fatale. Both obsessions can lead you on a path to destruction.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bart''': A smart criminal sees the world a whole lot different than regular people. When I'm casing a joint, time slows down so much, it's like everything and everyone comes to a stop. Everything was just like you said, Laurie. The manager hires cute tellers. A good thing. Lookers don't risk getting killed. And the late afternoon guard is a gut-bucket slob. I'll bet you anything that loser never even practices with that cheap jack pistol they gave him. We can go out the rear exit and be in the alley in seconds. Standard issue digital camera with typical low resolution. So we can get away with simple disguises. And I saw your best pal, Sarah. And she's got &quot;bitch&quot; written all over her. All over her.

===''Trophy Wife''===
:'''Lilith''': Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, especially when that woman is about to be replaced by a younger, deadlier version of herself. And for all the Botox, liposuction and skin treatments a desperate housewife could buy, money cannot turn back the clock. It is the inevitable, inexorable passage of time that changes the rules. So now, Veronica's playing a new game, a game of survival, a game that I call &quot;Trophy Wife&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': Well, it looks like some scorned women aren't that furious after all. This one's for the first wives, for those women with the experience and the imagination younger women cannot even begin to know. For those women who know that love attraction isn't only to be found in soft, supple, young lips, smooth legs and perfectly sculpted bodies, but in the mind, in the psyche, in the darkest depths of your soul. As for Veronica and Gil, it really is one of nature's majestic wonders that two people, unique in their romantic depravity, have found one another, because after all, even psychopaths need love.

===''Extracurricular Activities''===
:'''Lilith''': When you're having an affair with another woman's husband, it's usually best not to do it directly under her nose. Institutions of higher learning have always been a hotbed of love activity. Teachers with teachers, students with students and the perennial favorite – teachers with students. Professor Kelsey Williams is about to discover that when you toy with an impressionable mind to get what you want, sometimes it proves impossible to stick to the lesson plan.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiffany''': Professor Williams, do you have a moment? I'd like to run my paper topic by you. I've decided to write about Joan of Arc.
:'''Kelsey Williams''': Why?
:'''Tiffany''': Well, I can't really think of a stronger woman than Joan of Arc.
:'''Kelsey''': Please. She was insane. She heard voices in her head, and was burned at the stake at 16. If you want to write about a strong woman, find someone who used their brains to get what they wanted. Someone like... Cleopatra.
:'''Tiffany''': But Cleopatra didn't use her brains. She used love to get men to do her bidding. She's far less noble than Joan of Arc.
:'''Kelsey''': That's where you're wrong. Women throughout history have had to use whatever resources were available to take matters into their own hands and get what they wanted. Men have muscles; women have their loving personality. Cleopatra looked at her options at the time and did what she had to do. And that took brains.
:'''Tiffany''': I never thought of it that way.
:'''Kelsey''': Well, there's a lot that I could teach you.
:'''Tiffany''': By the way, that's a lovely scent you're wearing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vera Rutledge''': I just can't tell you how disappointed I am in you both. The two of you have always been campus leaders. Right now, I'm dealing with overcrowded classrooms, tuition increases and the Cuesta Verde Conquistadors are going 0 for 12 this year. The last thing I need on my plate is a sorority love tape scandal. Girls! I can't get involved with this right now!
:'''Alexis''': We are so mortified, Dean Rutledge.
:'''Tiffany''': Don't worry. We'll take care of it.
:'''Vera''': Good. Now, I trust you ladies will handle this with the high standards that I've instilled in you in the last four years.
:'''Tiffany''': Of course.
:'''Vera''': Now, if you'll excuse me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kelsey Williams''': Dean Rutledge?
:'''Vera Rutledge''': Kelsey!
:'''Kelsey''': I got your message.
:'''Vera''': Yes, I wanted to have a word with you. I wanted you to know that we've zeroed in on November 21st for the career fair, and I'm looking for volunteers to help coordinate the event.
:'''Kelsey''': Well, you can count on me.
:'''Vera''': Good.
:'''Kelsey''': Is there... anything else?
:'''Vera''': No. That'll be all. ''[Kelsey starts to walk away]'' There is... one more thing. ''[Kelsey turns around and faces Vera]'' I want you to stop screwing my husband.
:'''Kelsey''': I don't know what you mean.
:'''Vera''': Let's... not do this, shall we? I know it's you. I'm not surprised. Jake always had a thing for the sleazy sorority type. And you certainly fit the bill. Flouncing around campus like a ridiculous harlot with a penchant for cheap perfume.
:'''Kelsey''': You know, I don't have to take that from you.
:'''Vera''': Yes, you do. Because you know I have it in my power to destroy you, and I will... with pleasure if I even get a hint that you are still seeing my husband behind my back. Trust me, you won't be able to get a job teaching kids how to tie their shoes. Are we clear? Walk away, Kelsey. There's not a man around as far as I can see. Don't make me speak to you again. ''[turns around and walks away from Kelsey]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiffany''': Hi, Professor Williams.
:'''Kelsey Williams''': What's happening?
:'''Tiffany''': ''[referring to Jake Rutledge]'' Oh, you didn't hear? They found evidence connecting him to his wife's murder.
:'''Kelsey''': What evidence?
:'''Tiffany''': The murder weapon. It was one of those night sticks that security guards use. They found traces of the Dean's blood, and the Professor's prints were all over it.
:'''Kelsey''': That's impossible.
:'''Tiffany''': He got it at Walmart. Security camera footage showed him buying it just days before the murder. Funny. He doesn't look like a murderer to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': Feminine wiles can be a tricky thing. When a woman uses love to get what she wants, she can easily turn a love-struck man into a dangerous weapon. Problem is, like any weapon, sometimes it can be turned against us. Unfortunately for Professor Kelsey Williams, she taught Chaz everything she knows.

===''Killer Instinct''===
:'''Lilith''': Davis Bennett just discovered that lethal things often come in pretty packages. But the lesson cost him his life. In this case, looks really can kill. As for Lauren Coleston, well, she's also about to learn something, which is that the life of a professional assassin is just as much about receiving pain as it is about dispensing it.

===''Bad Science''===
:'''Lilith''': We look in mirrors every day. The reflection back shows us what other people see. But it takes more than a mirror to see inside our souls. Matilda West has always been a force of nature, the type of woman who'll never back down from a challenge or take no for an answer. A woman who'll do almost anything to survive. But even someone as beautiful and brilliant and tough as Matilda will eventually meet her match in this world or the other.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dark Matilda West''': If everyone here is as naive as the three of you... in a few years, I'm gonna be running this dimension. ''[chuckles]''

===''Family Business''===
:'''Lilith''': It was once said that love means never having to say that you're sorry. Apparently, the copywriter that coined the trite phrase has never actually been in love. For in fact, anyone who's ever been in love knows love means always having to say that you're sorry. Devlin Grant is a man who's about to be sorrier than he ever dreamed, and get more than he bargained for, in a battle in which the spoils of victory may very well be his own soul.

===''Jail Break''===
:'''Lilith''': Remember Rafe Daniels? He works as a prison guard at the Cuesta Verde women's penitentiary. Most of the guards there have a reputation worse than the inmates they're supposed to be watching. But not Rafe. No; Rafe has a warm heart and a burning desire for true love. Unfortunately, it's hard to meet a girl you can take home to mother, when you work in a prison. It's definitely not a singles mixer. And the last time Rafe tried romancing a girl at work, well, let's just say he wound up with a real backstabber. One would've thought, after all that drama, Rafe would've learned his lesson. Oh, but it's not easy to ignore what the heart wants. And given all the evidence, stolen money, a gun, and at least one very dead body, well, one might assume that he is under the spell of yet another femme fatale.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rafe Daniels''': Dear Warden Jefferies, it has been an honor working for you at the Cuesta Verde Women's Correctional Facility for the last four years. However, recent events have taken such an emotional toll on me; I have decided it would be in my best interest to take a break from this line of work, at least temporarily. So it is with a heavy heart that I submit this letter of resignation, effective immediately. I will always have the utmost respect for you, sir, and wish you and your family only the best. Sincerely, Rafe Daniels.

===''Crazy Mary''===
:'''Lilith''': Poor Mary Mason. She's just can't seem to catch a break. All she wants is her old life back. With a happy home and a man that loves her and keep her safe and warm. Oh, but there is no safety when you're a lamb in a den full of wolves. Especially when everybody thinks that you're crazy. You may think things couldn't get any worse for our little daydreamer. Well, that's where you'd be wrong. Here at the Cuesta Verde Institute for the criminally insane, things are about to get, for the lack of a better word, a little nuts.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': Looks like Crazy Mary's adventures are just beginning. If you should ever happen to cross her path, I suggest you be very, very nice to her.

===''One Man's Death''===
:'''Lilith''': Todd Voight is a very lucky man. Successful, handsome and loved by two beautiful women. But tonight his luck runs out. He leaves two women mourning his death and discovering his secrets. All of his secrets.

===''Hell Hath No Furies''===
:'''Lilith''': ''[in a Christmas outfit]'' It looks like Lydia Gonzales's pleas for mercy have gone unheeded. Lydia did try and warn the judge that El Jefe could reach her, no matter where she would hide, and now, her warning is about to be proven all too true. It appears that Lydia Gonzales and the men and women of Cuesta Verde Precinct 13 are about to have a very, very bad Christmas. ''[chuckles]''

===''Libra''===
:'''Lilith''': It could be argued that there is a fine line between fantasy and reality. Dimitri Uzi Olesky just won his war against the Ryan mob. Oh, and he paid a very heavy price to do it. But all's fair in love and war, and for now, he is the undisputed crime boss of Cuesta Verde. Ironically, boss Olesky will pay for his sins, but retribution will come from a place he least expects it, for in the end, the scales of justice always tip one way or another.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Max Bailey''': Where am I, lady?
:'''Libra''': The name's not &quot;Lady&quot;. It's Libra.
:'''Max''': Okay, nice to meet you, um... Libra. My name is Max–
:'''Libra''': Max Bailey. I know. I've had Olesky's place under surveillance for weeks.
:'''Max''': Are you a cop?
:'''Libra''': You never know. But mostly just a concerned citizen. Same as you.
:'''Max''': That's the first time anyone's ever called me that.
:'''Libra''': Your father worked for Olesky. They were partners until Olesky cut him out of the business. When your father started to talk, Olesky had him killed. ''[removes her mask]'' You want revenge... just like I do. But instead of wearing a mask, you're helping the police. You're looking for Olesky's mole in Special Investigations.
:'''Max''': Yeah; Do you know who that is?
:'''Libra''': ''[removes her utility belt and drops it on the floor]'' Not yet.
:'''Max''': Look, I need to report in. Tomorrow night Olesky's having a sit-down with the other bosses.
:'''Libra''': That's right. ''[removes her evening gloves]'' I plan on being there.
:'''Max''': Who are you? I mean, nobody names their kid &quot;Libra&quot;.
:'''Libra''': We're on the same team, Max. We just wear different uniforms. ''[stares Max in the face]'' Do I frighten you?
:'''Max''': Isn't that the idea?
:'''Libra''': There's a reason you should be frightened of me. ''[removes her costume and reveals her body to Max]'' Before, I was just a woman. But gangsters aren't scared by women. They use them, exploit them, manipulate them. But Libra... she's a symbol. Someone that they can't bribe, scare or seduce. And the scales of justice always tip in Libra's favor. But right now, I'm not Libra. I'm just a woman.
:'''Max''': You're beautiful.
:'''Libra''': Thank you, Max Bailey. ''[kisses Max on the lips]'' So what do you know about Libras? Hmm?
:'''Max''': Ask me later.
:'''Libra''': Uh-huh.
:'''Max''': I'm still learning.
:'''Libra''': Yeah? Well... for one, we loathe cruelty, viciousness and vulgarity. But we believe in compassion and compromise.
:'''Max''': Doesn't sound like you.
:'''Libra''': You know what else? We like to be touched.
:'''Max''': Oh.
:'''Libra''': That leg isn't gonna give you trouble now, is it?
:'''Max''': No, I'll manage.
:'''Libra''': That's what I thought.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Max''': You thought I wouldn't know where you were going?
:'''Libra''': You shouldn't be here.
:'''Max''': Neither should you. Being anywhere near Olesky right now is a very bad idea.
:'''Libra''': Yeah, and you need to let me be. Let me take him down.
:'''Max''': Are you trying to get yourself killed? You try and get in there, and you're dead. Libra is a fictional comic book character. Somehow, I don't think the author based his stories on your real-life exploits. You're not Libra.
:'''Libra''': He let my mother die. Some kidnappers took her for some easy score. They tried to ransom her back. $5 million. They wanted $5 million. Pocket change for my father. He told them to go screw themselves. Refused to pay a dime. Cops found her a couple of days later – raped and mutilated. We had to have a closed casket. He didn't even come to the funeral – too busy seducing one of his harlots.
:'''Max''': You're Anya Olesky?
:'''Libra''': No. I'm Libra. And these streets are mine. And tonight Dimitri Olesky will pay for the blood that he has spilled.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angel Tomlin''': The play's the thing wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king. [[William Shakespeare|Shakespeare]], [[Hamlet#Act II|''Hamlet'', Act II]]. We are going to take this to Broadway. ''Shakespeare Undressed''. And then... I'd like to thank the Academy. It is such an honor to accept this award on behalf of everyone involved in ''Shakespeare Undressed''. I am especially indebted to [[w:Patrick Stewart|Sir Patrick Stewart]] for his guidance and his support. Thank you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Max''': Well, you got your revenge. I guess we both did. Now what?
:'''Libra''': It's not about us anymore. There's a lot of people suffering in Cuesta Verde. People who have no one to help them. Cuesta Verde needs a symbol. A champion for the oppressed.
:'''Max''': You know anyone for the job?
:'''Libra''': I might.
:'''Max''': That was a rhetorical question.
:'''Libra''': I can't do this all by myself. I need a Robin.
:'''Max''': A Robin? Your very own Boy Wonder? I don't think so.
:'''Libra''': Ah, come on. You'd look hot in tights.
:'''Max''': We'll see, Anya.
:'''Libra''': The name's Libra, and these streets are mine.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': We all wear masks – sometimes for fun and other times for disguise or protection. Some masks are steel. Some are satin. Some are silk, and some are leather. They're the faces of a stranger, but we love to try them on. Hopefully, you'll find one that is a perfect fit. Anya Olesky did.

==Cast==
===Main Cast===
* [[w:Tanit Phoenix|Tanit Phoenix]] – Lilith

===Notable Guest Stars===
* Ariauna Albright as Dream Woman
* Ana Alexander as Camille Gardner
* [[w:Sadie Alexandru|Sadie Alexandru]] as Janelle
* [[Crystal Allen]] as Rhonda Temple
* [[w:Mark A. Altman|Mark A. Altman]] as the Voice of the Desk Clerk
* Catherine Annette as Tiffany
* [[w:Domiziano Arcangeli|Domiziano Arcangeli]] as Chaka
* [[w:Scott Bailey (actor)|Scott Bailey]] as Greg Cooper
* Carlee Baker as Beth Odets
* [[w:Cameron Bender|Cameron Bender]] as Tom Lomax
* [[w:Daniel Bess|Daniel Bess]] as Logan Cale
* [[w:Ryan Bittle|Ryan Bittle]] as Archie Beecham
* Philip Boyd as Nick
* Walker Brandt as Amy
* [[w:J.C. Brandy|J.C. Brandy]] as Maxine
* Tiffany Brouwer as Holly Brown
* David Bygrave as Boyfriend
* Daniel Capellaro as Todd Voight
* Tina Casciani as Barbara
* [[w:Jeffrey Combs|Jeffrey Combs]] as the Voice of the Interrogator
* [[w:Rick Copp|Rick Copp]] as Richard Hollis / Teacher
* [[w:Ellie Cornell|Ellie Cornell]] as Detective Janet Wright
* Mark Costello as Detective Mitchum
* Marc Crumpton as Foster Prentiss
* Stephanie Danielson as Emily
* Kristen DeLuca as Beverly Dietrich
* Asher Deva as Ricardo
* James Devoti as Cam
* Andrew Dickler as R.J.
* [[w:Casper Van Dien|Casper Van Dien]] as Joe Hallenbeck
* [[w:Danica Dillon|Danica Dillon]] as Caroline / Virginia
* [[w:Charles Divins|Charles Divins]] as Dr. Troy
* Christine Donlon as Violet MacReady
* Sean Douglas as Pressman
* [[w:Daphnée Duplaix|Daphnée Duplaix]] as Alexis
* Madison Dylan as Alexis
* [[w:Kiko Ellsworth|Kiko Ellsworth]] as Detective Carter Judson
* [[w:John Enos III|John Enos III]] as Gil Flood
* [[w:Jeff Fahey|Jeff Fahey]] as Detective McAllister
* Tammy Felice as Kim
* Gigi Feshold as Bebe
* Chanon Finley as Lisa Bannion
* Jon Fleming as Aaron
* [[w:Raymond Forchion|Raymond Forchion]] as Judge Aldrich
* [[w:Bren Foster|Bren Foster]] as Howard
* [[w:Vivica A. Fox|Vivica A. Fox]] as Dean Vera Rutledge
* [[w:Kyle Gass|Kyle Gass]] as Willoughby Flagler
* [[w:Carrie Genzel|Carrie Genzel]] as Dr. Marlowe
* Diana Gettinger as Laurie
* Paul Green as Marvin Widmark
* Anne Lee Greene as Kendra Banks
* Ian Gregory as Charles McKendrick
* Nikki Griffin as Nicole Ryan
* [[w:Dean Haglund|Dean Haglund]] as Kip
* [[w:Ashley Hamilton|Ashley Hamilton]] as Devlin Grant
* [[w:Steve Richard Harris|Steve Richard Harris]] as Lex
* Jules Hartley as Molly Trevor
* [[w:Reggie Hayes|Reggie Hayes]] as Kevin Freeman
* [[w:Erin Marie Hogan|Erin Marie Hogan]] as Emily
* [[w:Neil Hopkins|Neil Hopkins]] as Charles Solomon
* Stacy Stas Hurst as Jessica
* [[w:Adam Huss|Adam Huss]] as Max Bailey
* Heidi James as Big Aggie
* Andray Johnson as Uniform Cop #1
* [[w:Preston Jones (actor)|Preston Jones]] as Aaron
* Tom Kirlin as Guard
* Kerry Knuppe as Daphne
* [[w:Joe Kraemer (composer)|Joe Kraemer]] as Officer Taylor
* Steve Kriozere as Doctor
* [[w:Robert LaSardo|Robert LaSardo]] as Laz Swan
* [[w:William Gregory Lee|William Gregory Lee]] as Jimmy
* [[w:Kimo Leopoldo|Kimo Leopoldo]] as Bodyguard
* Christian Levantino as Pete Green
* [[w:Crystle Lightning|Crystle Lightning]] as Candela
* Vedette Lim as Agent Pam
* Scott Logan as Jake Rutledge
* Sierra Love as Isabella Cregar
* Kate Luyben as Mary Mason
* [[w:Jes Macallan|Jes Macallan]] as Susan Voight
* [[w:Stephen Macht|Stephen Macht]] as Leland Ryan
* Jordan Madley as Rachel Worth
* Janelle Marra as Gloria
* Michael Masini as Chris Gunden
* Brady Matthews as Chris Wade
* [[w:Paul Mazursky|Paul Mazursky]] as Warden Jeffries
* [[w:Sandra McCoy|Sandra McCoy]] as Professor Kelsey Williams
* Geoff Meed as O'Brien
* Cristin Michele as Cynthia
* [[w:Mirtha Michelle|Mirtha Michelle]] as Lauren Coleston
* [[w:Anya Monzikova|Anya Monzikova]] as Darla McKendrick
* Nikki Moore as Abigail Strauss
* [[w:Chris Mulkey|Chris Mulkey]] as Bendix Darby
* [[w:Isaiah Mustafa|Isaiah Mustafa]] as Raven
* Jo Newman as Jess Russell
* Ashley Noel as Matilda West / Dark Matilda West
* [[w:Charlie O'Connell|Charlie O'Connell]] as Jay Roma
* [[w:Ho-Sung Pak|Ho-Sung Pak]] as Superstar Assassin (aka The Ghost) / Fight Trainer
* Melissa Paulo as Erida
* Moniqua Plante as Sara
* [[w:Robert Picardo|Robert Picardo]] as Hieronymus Hawks
* Will Poston as Rafe Daniels
* Shani Pride as Tatiana
* [[w:Nick Principe|Nick Principe]] as Killer
* Tara Radcliffe as Joanne Terranova
* [[w:Paul Rae|Paul Rae]] as Guard
* [[w:Steve Railsback|Steve Railsback]] as Dr. Daniel Duryea
* Geoff Reeves as Steve Mason
* [[w:Arloa Reston|Arloa Reston]] as Sharon
* Makinna Ridgway as Angelica
* Jennifer Roa as Norma Swanson
* [[w:Eric Roberts|Eric Roberts]] as David Bannion
* Tobi Rodriguez as Lucky Starr
* Annie Ruby as Susan
* [[w:Betsy Rue|Betsy Rue]] as Libra
* [[w:Joel Rush|Joel Rush]] as Pecs
* Joe Sabatino as Iggy Bacardi
* [[Antonio Sabàto Jr.]] as Bart
* [[w:Leilani Sarelle|Leilani Sarelle]] as Veronica Flood
* Bryan Sato as Kentaro
* Donna W. Scott as Alicia Ryan
* [[Angus Scrimm]] as Dr. Chandler
* [[w:Scheana Shay|Scheana Shay]] as Angel Tomlin
* Justin Shilton as Robinson McGraw
* Mark Simich as Davis Bennett
* Aiden Simko as Chaz
* Joe Slaughter as Roger Reynolds
* Melissa Soso as Girl coming out of the elevator
* Hollie Stenson as Abby
* [[w:Robin Sydney|Robin Sydney]] as Lindsey
* Colin Tary as Andy
* Jennifer Thompson as Ace's New Girl
* Diana Elizabeth Torres as Lydia Gonzales / El Jefe
* [[w:Elena Tovar|Elena Tovar]] as Elena Machado
* Tyson Turrou as Doug
* Tiffany Tynes as Tina Hendricks
* [[w:Ilia Volok|Ilia Volok]] as Dimitri Uzi Olesky
* [[w:Jasmine Waltz|Jasmine Waltz]] as Tara
* Christopher Warner as Detective Brody
* Drew Waters as Robert Burke
* [[w:Charlie Weber (actor)|Charlie Weber]] as Ace
* Kit Willesee as Lacey Rivers
* Jason Wishnov as Man on Couch

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{IMDb title|1841108|Femme Fatales}}

[[Category:2010s American anthology TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American mystery TV shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Cinemax shows]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Femme Fatales (TV series)|Femme Fatales]]''''' is an anthology TV series, inspired by [[w:Femme Fatales (magazine)|the men's magazine of the same name]], with each episode following on [[w:antihero|antihero]] woman, intercut with [[w:Softcore pornography|softcore pornographic]] scenes, produced and aired by [[w:Cinemax|Cinemax]]. Lilith ([[w:Tanit Phoenix|Tanit Phoenix]]) introduces each episode [[w:Rod Serling|Rod Serling]]-style and occasionally appears within the narrative. Some characters make encore appearances in later episodes. Unlike most shows that feature [[w:porn actor|porn actor]]s, ''Femme Fatales'' features mainstream actors - such as [[w:Richard Kind|Richard Kind]], [[w:Adam Goldberg|Adam Goldberg]], [[w:Paul Mazursky|Paul Mazursky]], [[w:Ryan Bittle|Ryan Bittle]], [[w:Robert LaSardo|Robert LaSardo]], [[w:Stephen Macht|Stephan Macht]], [[w:William Gregory Lee|William Gregory Lee]], [[w:Dean Haglund|Dean Haglund]], [[w:Charlie O'Connell|Charlie O'Connell]], [[w:Daniel Bess|Daniel Bess]], [[w:Angus Scrimm|Angus Scrimm]], [[w:Carrie Genzel|Carrie Genzel]], [[w:Ellie Cornell|Ellie Cornell]], [[w:Neil Hopkins|Neil Hopkins]] in season 1, and [[w:Antonio Sabato Jr.|Antonio Sabato Jr.]], [[w:Kyle Gass|Kyle Gass]], [[w:Leilani Sarelle|Leilani Sarelle]], [[w:Chris Mulkey|Chris Mulkey]], [[w:Scheana Marie|Scheana Marie]], [[w:John Enos III|John Enos III]], [[w:Vivica A. Fox|Vivica A. Fox]], [[w:Sandra McCoy|Sandra McCoy]], [[w:Jeffrey Combs|Jeffrey Combs]], [[w:Robert Picardo|Robert Picardo]], [[w:Ashley Hamilton|Ashley Hamilton]], [[w:Nikki Griffin|Nikki Griffin]], [[w:Eric Roberts|Eric Roberts]], Kate Luyben, [[w:Steve Railsback|Steve Railsback]], [[w:Paul Rae|Paul Rae]], [[w:Jes Macallan|Jes Macallan]], [[w:Casper Van Dien|Casper Van Dien]], [[w:Jeff Fahey|Jeff Fahey]], and [[w:Betsy Rue|Betsy Rue]] in season 2.
__NOTOC__
{| border=0 cellpadding=2 style=&quot;border: 1px solid silver;&quot;
! width=&quot;33%&quot; style=&quot;border: 3px solid red;&quot; | [[#Season 1|Season 1]]
! width=&quot;33%&quot; style=&quot;border: 3px solid orange;&quot; | [[#Season 2|Season 2]]
|-
|[[#Behind Locked Doors|Behind Locked Doors]]
|[[#16 Minutes of Fame|16 Minutes of Fame]]
|-
|[[#Bad Medicine|Bad Medicine]]
|[[#Gun Twisted|Gun Twisted]]
|-
|[[#Something Like Murder|Something Like Murder]]
|[[#Trophy Wife|Trophy Wife]]
|-
|[[#Speed Date|Speed Date]]
|[[#Extracurricular Activities|Extracurricular Activities]]
|-
|[[#The White Flower|The White Flower]]
|[[#Killer Instinct|Killer Instinct]]
|-
|[[#Girls Gone Dead|Girls Gone Dead]]
|[[#Bad Science|Bad Science]]
|-
|[[#Haunted|Haunted]]
|[[#Family Business|Family Business]]
|-
|[[#Angels &amp; Demons|Angels &amp; Demons]]
|[[#Jail Break|Jail Break]]
|-
|[[#Help Me, Rhonda|Help Me, Rhonda]]
|[[#Crazy Mary|Crazy Mary]]
|-
|[[#The Clinic|The Clinic]]
|[[#One Man's Death|One Man's Death]]
|-
|[[#Till Death Do Us Part|Till Death Do Us Part]]
|[[#Hell Hath No Furies|Hell Hath No Furies]]
|-
|[[#Visions, Part 1|Visions, Part 1]]
|[[#Libra|Libra]]
|-
|[[#Visions, Part 2|Visions, Part 2]]
|
|-
! colspan=4 style=&quot;border: 3px solid silver;&quot; | [[#Cast|Cast]] — [[#External links|External links]]
|}

==Season 1==
===''Behind Locked Doors''===
:'''Lilith''': Prison can be a very scary place – survival of the fittest and all that. What's a spoiled young Hollywood actress to do when thrown into the tank with all those sharks? Those are just the prison guards. No, Lacey Rivers is going to have to rely on her one skill she can count on – her acting. You don't get $5 million a picture without any talent. Behind these locked doors, our little Lacey is about to give the performance of her life.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': Watch any Lacey Rivers movie, and you will always be treated to a happy ending. Well, poor Lacey. She's about to discover that real life rarely turns out like a G-rated family film. Karma can be such a bitch.

===''Bad Medicine''===
:'''Lilith''': ''[in a nurse's uniform]'' All superheroes have a story of origin, from an awkward teenager that's bitten by a radioactive spider, a daring test pilot that's bestowed a very powerful ring, an alien from the planet Krypton that crash-lands on Earth. A femme fatale, you see, well, she's cut from similar cloth. Some women are born to be empowered and dangerous and they embrace it according to their nature. Well, the essence of a femme fatale may be lying dormant, just waiting for fate to see her free.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': ''[still in her nurse's uniform]'' It looks like Greg is in for an electrifying experience. And as for our sweet Nurse Violet, she's blossomed into quite a woman – a newly-minted femme fatale in control of her own destiny and administering her own dose of bad medicine.

===''Something Like Murder''===
:'''Lilith''': Whenever you find a rich man, you are bound to find a gold-digger waiting to take him for everything he's got. Well, tonight, somewhere in these Hollywood hills, this gold-digger really was using a shovel. It's been said the taste of evil smells like honeysuckle. I wouldn't argue with that, but tonight, there is a distinct smell in the air and it smells like murder.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': Poor Darla. She thought she'd planned the perfect murder, but greed makes suckers of all of us. There is no easy way to make money in this economy. Unless, of course, you're Elena Machado, a hard-working cleaning woman, who just got a very, very big severance package. I guess it's safe to say she won't be coming to work on Monday.

===''Speed Date''===
:'''Kevin Freeman''': I like a woman who knows herself. Confidence is beauty. There's nothing lovelier than a woman who is comfortable in her own skin. An independent woman, with a spry personality and an old soul. That's the one for me. I'm Troy. When I'm in the outdoors, it's about freedom. I read. Losing myself in the pages of a good book is pure nirvana. Like an hour-long bubble bath, with bath bombs from bliss. My best friends are Charlie Parker and John Coltrane. Without them, I am lost. Simply put: their music is the soundtrack of my life. Yeah, I know I'm good-looking, but that's not worth a hill of beans unless you find the right girl to spend life's special moments with. And let me tell you: In this town, it's been tough to find that special someone. If you're confident, if you're independent, if you're open-minded, passionate, genuine, creative, funny... if you think you're her, and you think we'll click, please, contact me. DocTroy77. Thank you, Doctor Troy. Ladies, all of our lines are open.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': We all tell little white lies. We lie about our height, our weight, where we've been and where we're going. And tonight, video game developer Kevin Freeman is about to discover that when his fantasy turns into reality, honesty, in fact, may be the best policy as his little white lies get him into a world of trouble.

===''The White Flower''===
:'''Lilith''': Money. It's been said it is the root of all evil. Well, tonight, in this seedy motel room, two men are about to find out that it's the devil's honest truth – that when the fickle finger of fate points in your direction, the most innocuous omen may be the harbinger of doom, and it may come in the most enticing package with a heart that beats of pure deceit. So tonight, I bequeath to you &quot;The White Flower&quot;.

===''Girls Gone Dead''===
:'''Lilith''': ''[in a school uniform]'' Psychologists believe that the brain doesn't stop maturing until we're well into our twenties. So what does that mean for a girl who's turned 18? Legally, she's an adult, yet she still has a brain that's... well, let's just say a brain that's not fully cooked. ''[giggles]'' I guess that's why you can say we go away to college. It's like an incubator. A place to keep our bodies safe and our brains baking. Until we're able to make informed intelligent choices. But what happens when our bodies are ready, willing and able, yet our minds are not mature enough to make these right decisions, especially when faced with a friendly smile and irresistible temptations like... a T-shirt, or worse, plastic beads? You can't expect a girl, whose body that's trying to catch up to its brain, to understand concepts like consequences, particularly with a little booze involved, and some soft light and a charming man with a camera.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jay Roma''': I guarantee there is not a hotter party in the world and no place I'd rather be than right here with the girls of Theta Alpha Nu! Ten smoking hot coeds and yours truly! I got a feeling we're gonna see some truly ''Crazy Chixx''! Let's find out just how crazy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jay''': I have a strict policy; I don't... participate.
:'''Alexis''': Why not?
:'''Jay''': I built my brand on ''Crazy Chixx'', not on some dirtbag trying to get with them.
:'''Tiffany''': You've never been in one of your videos?
:'''Jay''': No. Never. It would ruin my reputation.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kip''': Nobody lives here.
:'''Erida''': Of course we live here; it's our sorority house.
:'''Kip''': This is no sorority. Nobody lives here... and that's water!
:'''Erida''': Water is the source of all life.
:'''Kip''': Why are all the vodka bottles filled with water?!
:'''Erida''': We don't wanna be drunk for this.
:'''Kip''': Who are you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jay''': Where the hell is Kip?
:'''Erida''': My fault. Sorry.
:'''Jay''': Well, where the hell is he?
:'''Erida''': Let's just say his willpower lost this time.
:'''Jay''': Kip, you're fired!!
:'''Erida''': Don't blame him! He couldn't resist.
:'''Jay''': Well, what happened? What'd you do? Jeez! He knows better! To hell with him. You know how to work this thing?
:'''Emily''': Hell, yeah.
:'''Jay''': Good. Come on! I wanna make this lousy bastard sorry.
:'''Tiffany''': We have just the thing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jay''': Uh, all right, look, this is getting kinda dangerous. Tiffany?
:'''Tiffany''': I'm getting kind of used to that name. It's got a nice ring to it. My real name is Jessica. But you wouldn't remember that, would you, Jay? Tiffany, well... it's just a variation of a Greek name. Tisiphone. She was a goddess... the goddess of vengeance.
:'''Jay''': All right, uh... Kip!!
:'''Tiffany''': But I thought you wanted to meet Caroline.
:'''Jay''': Screw Caroline!
:'''Tiffany''': You already did!! You got me and Caroline drunk. Really drunk. Then you gave us some money. And then you ruined our lives! We had to drop out of school, change our names, and no matter where we moved or what we did, we could not get away from what we did for you! Of course, I handled it a lot better than she did.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kip''': I know you. Your name's not Erida, is it?
:'''Erida''': Very good, Kip. I'm gonna give you a little lesson in Greek mythology. You see, Erida was a Greek goddess... the goddess of hate. She could only be appeased once blood was spilled.
:'''Kip''': What are you gonna do?
:'''Erida''': Isn't it obvious?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alexis''': By the way, I'm Ashley. When you filmed me, that was my name.
:'''Tiffany''': It was her brilliant idea to use Greek names.
:'''Alexis''': Alexis, from the Greek name Alecto.
:'''Erida''': The goddess of unresting.
:'''Alexis''': I haven't rested since I met you, Jay.
:'''Erida''': Ash graduated magna cum laude in Ancient Greek. She's a member of Mensa, bonehead.
:'''Alexis''': I have a feeling I'll rest tonight.
:'''Jay''': What do you want?! What do you want?!!
:'''Erida''': Isn't it obvious?
:'''Tiffany''': We all appeared in your videos. Now it's your turn to be in ours.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jay''': Okay. All right. I know what you're doing, you dumb bitches! You think you're gonna embarrass me?! You think you're gonna film me and make me look like an idiot and ruin my reputation?! When I get out of here, you're gonna be dead! To hell with you, and to hell with your harlot friend Caroline!
:'''Emily''': And to think I had second thoughts about this.
:'''Tiffany''': I told you it would be worth it.
:'''Jay''': I'm gonna sue you! I oughta sue you for everything you've got! You wanna film me?! You wanna film me? Go ahead and film me, you stupid harlots!
:'''Tiffany''': Come on. Let's go upstairs and clean up.
:'''Jay''': Wait!
:'''Tiffany''': Congrats, Jay. This will definitely be your biggest hit ever.
:'''Jay''': Where are you going? Hey. Hey, come back here! No! Come back! Please! Hey! Come back...! ''[coughs and chokes]'' Hey! Help! Help!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': ''[giggles]'' Luckily, most people can't speak Greek. If Kip or Jay did, they may recognize that Theta Alpha Nu are the first three letters of the word Thanatos. That's Greek for death. Clever girls. Jay Roma. Made his first million at the age of 25. Made his first hundred million by the age of 32. But by 35, 20 million hits on his very last video. I guess these chicks are crazier than what he ever dreamed. And as the Greeks say – Kali nichta. Good night.

===''Haunted''===
:'''Lilith''': Five bedrooms, three and a half bathrooms, a swimming pool and a bonus guest house. This house would be a real steal, if it weren't haunted. But how could you prove that? Or disprove it? And would you live in a house with that kind of storied reputation? Would you even spend one night? Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': Do you believe in ghosts or demons? Do you think it's possible for them to enter our world? Maybe the next time you meet a girl that seems too good to be true, she may very well be the ultimate femme fatale. ''[slowly fades away into thin air]''

===''Angel &amp; Demons''===
:'''Lilith''': The animal kingdom is a fiercely violent domain. Animals kill for food, for territory and for survival. But there is one animal that's known to kill for pleasure – man. We live in a world populated by angels and demons. You're about to meet both.

===''Help Me, Rhonda''===
:'''Lilith''': You all know Camille Gardner – a beautiful woman who, like so many, got married too young, too soon. Well, now she's living a life she never imagined for herself with an abusive husband and aimless existence. Oh, and her world's about to get so much worse. Tango's beautiful, isn't she? Well, get ready, 'cause you're about to meet some animals that aren't nearly as pretty.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Camille Gardner, in a bathrobe, finds Rhonda Temple in a red one-piece swimsuit, sitting outside in a lounge chair right next to a swimming pool]''
:'''Camille Gardner''': What the hell are you smiling about?
:'''Rhonda Temple''': I'm just thinking about our future.
:'''Camille''': ''[sits down right next to Rhonda]'' I guess you'll be thinking about our recent past.
:'''Rhonda''': Why bother? What's done is done. ''[removes Camille's hair braid and strokes her hair]'' I'm looking to spend my future with you.
:'''Camille''': Some woman came, asking for Eddie.
:'''Rhonda''': So?
:'''Camille''': I'm worried. She sounded like she was supposed to meet him here. If I were you, I'd be very concerned.
:'''Rhonda''': Why? When you can worry for the both of us? That's what you're good at, right?
:'''Camille''': You know, I should sit in the sun.
:'''Rhonda''': What for, when you can go for a swim? ''[removes Camille's robe, revealing her in a green one-piece swimsuit]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': ''[as a police detective]'' Mrs. Camille Gardner? Do you know what this is? Your house has been under surveillance for the past month. So you are under arrest for the murder of your husband. Now do not lie to us. Things will go a lot easier for you. Start by telling us where we can find Rhonda Temple.
:'''Camille''': ''[referring to Rhonda Temple]'' If we're under surveillance for a month, how come you don't know where she is? I have no idea where she is.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lacey Rivers''': So why are you here?
:'''Camille''': I killed my husband. Stabbed him in the chest six times.

===''The Clinic''===
:'''Lilith''': ''[in a doctor's uniform]'' Everyone wants to believe that they are going to live forever – that that tremor in their heart, the few extra pounds added over the holidays and the labored breathing after a morning run are all perfectly normal. ''[chuckles]'' But what happens when you find out they're not? What happens when you realize the life that you've been leading has an expiration date? What would you do to change that? Would you make the same choice that Logan Cale is about to make? And at what price?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': They say home is where the heart is, and unfortunately, for Logan Cale, this was all too true, proving you can truly buy anything for the right price. And if there's a moral to tonight's story and you find yourself sick and bedridden and might need to resort to desperate measures for a cure, I make this very humble suggestion: get a second opinion.

===''Till Death Do Us Part''===
:'''Lilith''': ''[in a one-piece swimsuit and sarong with a flower in her hair and a Hawaiian tropical drink in her hand]'' Aloha! I see you've met Rachel Worth. Poor thing. Can you believe it's her wedding day? Certainly not a very auspicious start. A bride needs something borrowed, something blue, but certainly not something dead. I guess the silver lining in all of this is the corpse is not the man she's planning to marry. But with her ceremony on a private beach near Waikiki looming in six hours, she best fix this little hiccup that's threatening her big day. ''[puts down her drink and walks up the steps to the top of a diving rock overlooking a swimming pool]'' Otherwise, there could very well be a whole new meaning to the phrase, &quot;Till death do us part&quot;. ''[takes off her sarong, dives into the water and swims]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rachel Worth''': We have to postpone the wedding.
:'''Cam''': No.
:'''Rachel''': Cam, we have no choice.
:'''Cam''': We're doing it. Just as we planned. Today.
:'''Rachel''': Why?
:'''Cam''': Because I have to be married by the time I'm 30.
:'''Rachel''': Sweetie, no, you don't.
:'''Cam''': When my grandmother died, she left me a $10 million trust fund. But there was a catch. She stipulated that I have to be married by my 30th birthday or I don't get the money.
:'''Rachel''': But why would she do something like that?
:'''Cam''': Gram was around long enough to see me go through my wild period. Let's just say she didn't exactly approve. She wanted me to settle down and make something of myself, which I did. Just after, she was gone. But there's still that clause in the will that I need to adhere to.
:'''Rachel''': Why didn't you tell me?
:'''Cam''': I was going to. I just... I didn't want you to think I was marrying you just so I can get my hands on the money. I'm marrying you because I love you, Rachel.
:'''Sharon''': Okay, that's really sweet, but what I wanna know is, what happens to the money if you don't get married?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rachel''': Kim. Oh, my God. It was you. You hired the stripper. And you made my first drink. You spiked it, which is why I was so out of it and can't remember anything! And someone would've had to record it. You actually made moans to make it look like it was actually happening, like I was awake and I was enjoying it?! And you were gonna to email it to Cam so he'd call off the wedding. And you would be next in line for the trust fund.
:'''Cam''': Kim, did you really murder this poor guy?
:'''Kim''': Poor guy? Poor guy? Oh, come on, Cam. Get off your high horse. Poor guy. He was just some sleazy stripper. Anyways, it was his own fault. No one was supposed to get hurt. But the bastard got greedy. He demanded half of the money, threatened to expose me to you and Rachel. So I just agreed to shut him up. But come on. I wasn't just gonna hand over $5 million to some lame fireman. So I made him the special cocktail that I made Rachel, and I kept him busy until it took effect. And I could handle this problem once and for all. But it turned out to be a much better plan than I anticipated. Because cheating is one thing, but accidentally killing a trick while making love the night before your wedding? Well, there's just no way that Cam was ever gonna say &quot;I do&quot;. Not to her.
:'''Rachel''': No wonder you wanted to call the cops! You knew it looked bad for me.
:'''Kim''': I did what I had to do! I mean, we're talking $10 million here! It's not fair! Okay? I was the good girl! I went to Nana's house every Sunday! I remembered her birthdays; he didn't! I was the one that got straight A's! I was the good girl! But the bitch left it all to him! Thought he could change! But it wasn't the money that changed him, Rachel. It was you.
:'''Rachel''': Your little Frederick's of Hollywood number – was it preshrunk?
:'''Kim''': No.
:''[Rachel picks up a lemonade pitcher and dumps lemonade on Kim's head]''
:'''Rachel''': Worst maid of honor ever.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': ''[still in her one-piece swimsuit and refreshed from swimming, her hair wet and her hand gently stroking the water]'' It's been said it's bad luck for a bride and groom to see each other before the wedding. Although, after the day they've had, I don't blame Rachel or Cam for throwing caution to the wind. As for lessons learned, it's an age-old question for women: Do you marry for love or for money? ''[chuckles]'' Luckily, though, for Rachel Worth, today she doesn't have to choose. Mahalo.

===''Visions, Part 1''===
:'''Lilith''': ''[in a magician's costume]'' Mentalism is a performing art whose practitioners demonstrate highly developed mental and intuitive abilities such as telepathy, clairvoyance and mind control. Foster Prentiss, the Amazing Mysterium, possesses no such skill. He is a complete and utter fraud. Unfortunately, there's nothing phony about murder. Foster will stop at nothing to get what he wants and must put on a performance of a lifetime. But maybe this time, the ruse is on him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Foster Prentiss hears a loud splash and he goes outside to investigate, only to find Jessica, in a black one-piece swimsuit, swimming in a pool]''
:'''Foster Prentiss''': Can I help you?
:'''Jessica''': I think we can help each other. I hear you're looking for a new assistant. I've seen your act. You're very good. But you could be great with the right help.
:'''Foster''': Yeah, I'm not looking for any help. Thank you.
:'''Jessica''': I look fabulous in fishnets, and even better without them. Won't you consider letting me audition, or at least fetching me that towel?
:''[Foster Prentiss laughs. Several minutes later, Jessica is seducing Prentiss in bed]''
:'''Jessica''': By the way, my name is Jessica.
:'''Foster''': Pleased to meet you, Jessica. ''[laughs]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Foster Prentiss is stunned by the realization of what Violet MacReady did at the Cuesta Verde Hospital]''
:'''Foster''': I don't know how this can be happening to me! I saw her! I saw what she did and I saw her kill a guy! She knows that I know. She knows I know. What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do now? ''[yells at the top of his lungs]'' You just tell me what– ''[Jessica strikes Foster in the face]'' Bloody hell! You hit me?! Jeez, are you crazy?!!
:'''Jessica''': Calm the hell down! Nobody killed anybody. You didn't see anything. That was incredible! Whatever hell scam you're pulling is working! Did you see their faces out there? They're eating it up.
:'''Foster''': Yeah – no, no, it wasn't a scam. What I felt out there was real.
:'''Jessica''': Sure it was. But now... you gotta keep your eye on the prize. If we're gonna score any of that rich bitch's cash, she needs to believe that you can talk to her dead daughter. So get out there and finish the damn show.
:'''Foster''': Okay, okay. Yeah, okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': So the man you apparently saw is Jay Roma. He started ''Crazy Chixx''. He was murdered a few months back, and his death was streamed on the Internet.
:'''Foster''': Why is this happening to me, though? That's what I don't understand.
:'''Jessica''': The other tart is Violet MacReady. She is a person of interest in two recent killings: one of a local, prestigious surgeon; the other – some two-bit gangbanger.
:'''Foster''': You know, I never thought this was possible. Why have I been given such a powerful gift?
:'''Jessica''': The question you should be asking yourself... is, how can we exploit it?
:'''Foster''': Exploit it?!
:'''Jessica''': Jeez! Do I have to spell everything out to you? Blackmail. You're already a fraud. What's another sin, or three?
:'''Foster''': You don't believe me, do you?
:'''Jessica''': ''[takes Foster's hand and holds it up to her face]'' Do you see anything interesting, swami?
:'''Foster''': ''[after receiving visions of what Jessica recently did, finally realizes the truth]'' You killed your boyfriend, set him up and sold his organs for spare parts!
:'''Jessica''': How did you...?! No one knows about that.
:'''Foster''': I told you, the visions are real, Jessica.
:'''Jessica''': You know what, Foster? I think we're gonna be really, really rich.

===''Visions, Part 2''===
:'''Foster Prentiss''': Firstly, of course, I would like to apologize for keeping you waiting so long. But I bet you're wondering what you're both doing here, right?
:'''Violet MacReady''': No kidding, Sherlock.
:'''Prentiss''': Well... you do have a temper on you, don't you? See, I invited you both here to give you a chance to move on with the rest of your life.
:'''Tiffany''': I'm so gone. ''[starts to leave]''
:'''Jessica''': ''[stops Tiffany from leaving]'' Shut up and listen.
:'''Prentiss''': Yeah, I think you should listen to her. Or, of course, I could just call the authorities and tell them about Jay Roma.
:'''Tiffany''': Who?
:'''Jessica''': Don't be coy, darling. The world may not miss a smut peddler like that, but it still won't get you off with the cops. ''[turns to Violet]'' And you, Violet. You're not as sweet and innocent as you look, are you?
:'''Foster''': Ooh, someone messed with the wrong nurse. Eh, chica?
:'''Violet''': How do you know all this?
:'''Foster''': Because I'm the Amazing Mysterium! And I know all.
:'''Violet''': What do you want with us, Mr. Amazing?
:'''Foster''': What do I want? What could I possibly want? What could I want? How about... money! That's exactly what I want.
:'''Violet''': Well, you better take another look into your crystal ball, because I'm not an ATM. I'm broke.
:'''Tiffany''': And I'm still trying to pay off my student loans.
:'''Violet''': So you've got the wrong chica, ese.
:'''Foster''': ''[slams the table with his hand]'' Well, then you better find some money fast!! Both of you got 48 hours or the next time you sit down with somebody, it'll be with a public defender! ''[calms down]'' Why don't you just think about it a little bit, OK? Good afternoon, ladies. I hope you enjoy the show.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiffany''': We haven't formally met. Tiffany.
:'''Violet''': Violet.
:'''Tiffany''': You've got incredible eyes, Violet.
:'''Violet''': Thanks. Nice dress, Wilma Flintstone. So, did you really kill that dirtbag Jay Roma?
:'''Tiffany''': Yeah.
:'''Violet''': Do you regret it?
:'''Tiffany''': Not for a minute.
:'''Violet''': I think we're going to get along swell.
:'''Tiffany''': BFFs.
:'''Violet''': Don't push it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiffany''': How'd you get this way?
:'''Violet''': What way?
:'''Tiffany''': You know what I'm talking about. We're one and the same, Violet. You weren't always like this. What happened?
:'''Violet''': I had a really bad day.
:'''Tiffany''': So, I've got a question, and you totally don't have to answer it if you don't want to. But what are you gonna do?
:'''Lilith''': You are going to make Foster Prentiss pay for what he did. That is what you are going to do.
:'''Violet''': I know you.
:'''Tiffany''': Well, I don't. How'd you get in here?
:'''Lilith''': I go by many names. But you can call me Lilith.
:'''Tiffany''': Are you getting blackmailed, too?
:'''Lilith''': No. But we have so much in common.
:'''Violet''': We were all blessed with great hair?
:'''Lilith''': Men in our pasts have wronged us.
:'''Tiffany''': What's this all about?
:'''Lilith''': It's very simple, actually. Foster Prentiss killed a girl once. And now you are going to kill Foster Prentiss. And in exchange for this task, you will never have to worry about anyone finding out your secrets again. You will be truly safe. And why the sad faces, girls? It's not like you haven't killed before.
:'''Violet''': So, what's one more dead jerk, right?
:'''Lilith''': Exactly.
:'''Tiffany''': Why don't you kill him, then?
:'''Lilith''': And not share the fun? ''[snaps her fingers and the doors open]'' Oh. You forgot to thank me for those tickets to the show. It's not like they arrived by magic, you know. Ta-ta!
:'''Violet''': So what do we do now?
:'''Tiffany''': I've got an idea, chica.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiffany''': Anything?
:'''Alexis''': The only thing I can tell you about Lilith is that according to Jewish folklore, she left her husband, Adam, after she refused to become subservient to him. Although... Dr. Holly Brown writes: &quot;The demonization of Lilith was designed to keep women alienated from their own power and spiritual authority.&quot; Now that's what I call girl power.
:'''Tiffany''': She was a demon?
:'''Violet''': She's Jewish?
:'''Alexis''': I don't know who this chick is, but it's obvious she knows way too much about us.
:'''Tiffany''': Lilith isn't the problem. Foster Prentiss is.
:'''Alexis''': Not for long.
:'''Violet''': I don't usually go around killing random dudes without a really good reason.
:'''Alexis''': The jerk threatened you. He's trying to extort you. He's obviously a total sleaze. What choice do you have?
:'''Tiffany''': What choice do ''we'' have?
:''[Alexis giggles]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Violet''': The human body can survive three to five days without water. Payback's a bitch. But dehydration is even worse.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': ''[in a magician's costume]'' Imagine being murdered with no one the wiser. Only a grieving mother that held out fruitless hope that you were still alive. Imagine what you would do to get revenge and rest in peace. Now just imagine. And wouldn't you know it? They also found another body buried in the grave. I wonder whose?

==Season 2==
===''16 Minutes of Fame''===
:'''Lilith''': Welcome to ''The Hot House'', where six celebrities with, shall we say, complicated histories live together in peace and harmony and resolve their issues like intelligent adults. Oh, that doesn't sound like much fun, does it? Perhaps rats on a sinking ship would be a much more accurate metaphor? Rats without access to cell phones or the Internet. No windows, and all the doors sealed shut, under lock and key, as it were. And we, the lucky viewers, get to watch them interact 24-7, as they try and figure out their, oh, so fascinating dilemmas. Unlike some other Reality TV shows, no one in this house was meant to get voted off. However, in the end, most of them did get eliminated. Where did it all go wrong? Perhaps we should start by meeting our housemates. Tina Hendricks. Famous for, well, being famous. Her father runs a movie studio, so she has access to all the A-list parties. Her line of face creams and body scrubs, Tina's Essence, was selling well, but her true claim to fame was – oh, you guessed it. A love tape. Lucky Starr. Cute, isn't he? With a velvet voice to go with that adorable face. Third runner up on ''Superstar USA''. Lucky's debut album dropped last Spring, then kept on dropping to the bottom of the charts. Rumor has it Lucky was the one who leaked his one-night stand with Tina online. A guy's gotta do what he can to stay in the public eye. Roger Reynolds, star of another popular reality show called ''The Catch''. Roger caused quite a scandal when he proposed to not one, but two women in the show's finale. And no, he's not Mormon, just indecisive. Roger was engaged again, three weeks later, to Tina. But they're no longer together. Bebe. No last name; just Bebe. She's our resident party girl. Mouthy, obnoxious, and rarely sober. In other words, a hero to millions with more Twitter followers than Charlie Sheen and Ashton K combined. And also the reason why Tina and Roger are no longer an item. Pecs, trainer to the stars and half of the world's passionate love story. The other half being himself. And there's a long waiting list for Pecs' services, known as Celebrity Boot Camp. Because he's known for his killer workout, bound to get any Hollywood starlet back in shape. And finally, Angel Tomlin, the serious actress. The artist with the single-minded goal to win an Oscar before she turns 30. She has a way to go. Her last credit was ''Eat and Run'', a direct-to-DVD zombie movie that you may have had the good fortune to miss. So she's a little bit anxious to up her game. And to do that, an actress's first priority must be getting back into tip-top shape. You got all that? Good. Because things are really starting to heat up in ''The Hot House''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': Angel was right about one thing. Bebe is about to become more famous than ever, now that she has stolen Angel's juicy role as the lone survivor of a crazed killer. As for Angel, well, she's learned the difference between fame and infamy. Life is such a bitch that way. There's already a film about her in the works, and rumor has it Natalie Portman is ready to kill for the part. Perhaps she'll get another Oscar, or maybe that honor will go to her makeup artist.

===''Gun Twisted''===
:'''Lilith''': Guns have always had the power to arouse. They symbolize control, virility and gratification. They also go by many names. Maverick, Ice, Goose, Viper, Stinger, Slider, Tek and Heartbreaker. Loving a gun is a lot like loving a femme fatale. Both obsessions can lead you on a path to destruction.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bart''': A smart criminal sees the world a whole lot different than regular people. When I'm casing a joint, time slows down so much, it's like everything and everyone comes to a stop. Everything was just like you said, Laurie. The manager hires cute tellers. A good thing. Lookers don't risk getting killed. And the late afternoon guard is a gut-bucket slob. I'll bet you anything that loser never even practices with that cheap jack pistol they gave him. We can go out the rear exit and be in the alley in seconds. Standard issue digital camera with typical low resolution. So we can get away with simple disguises. And I saw your best pal, Sarah. And she's got &quot;bitch&quot; written all over her. All over her.

===''Trophy Wife''===
:'''Lilith''': Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, especially when that woman is about to be replaced by a younger, deadlier version of herself. And for all the Botox, liposuction and skin treatments a desperate housewife could buy, money cannot turn back the clock. It is the inevitable, inexorable passage of time that changes the rules. So now, Veronica's playing a new game, a game of survival, a game that I call &quot;Trophy Wife&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': Well, it looks like some scorned women aren't that furious after all. This one's for the first wives, for those women with the experience and the imagination younger women cannot even begin to know. For those women who know that love attraction isn't only to be found in soft, supple, young lips, smooth legs and perfectly sculpted bodies, but in the mind, in the psyche, in the darkest depths of your soul. As for Veronica and Gil, it really is one of nature's majestic wonders that two people, unique in their romantic depravity, have found one another, because after all, even psychopaths need love.

===''Extracurricular Activities''===
:'''Lilith''': When you're having an affair with another woman's husband, it's usually best not to do it directly under her nose. Institutions of higher learning have always been a hotbed of love activity. Teachers with teachers, students with students and the perennial favorite – teachers with students. Professor Kelsey Williams is about to discover that when you toy with an impressionable mind to get what you want, sometimes it proves impossible to stick to the lesson plan.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiffany''': Professor Williams, do you have a moment? I'd like to run my paper topic by you. I've decided to write about Joan of Arc.
:'''Kelsey Williams''': Why?
:'''Tiffany''': Well, I can't really think of a stronger woman than Joan of Arc.
:'''Kelsey''': Please. She was insane. She heard voices in her head, and was burned at the stake at 16. If you want to write about a strong woman, find someone who used their brains to get what they wanted. Someone like... Cleopatra.
:'''Tiffany''': But Cleopatra didn't use her brains. She used love to get men to do her bidding. She's far less noble than Joan of Arc.
:'''Kelsey''': That's where you're wrong. Women throughout history have had to use whatever resources were available to take matters into their own hands and get what they wanted. Men have muscles; women have their loving personality. Cleopatra looked at her options at the time and did what she had to do. And that took brains.
:'''Tiffany''': I never thought of it that way.
:'''Kelsey''': Well, there's a lot that I could teach you.
:'''Tiffany''': By the way, that's a lovely scent you're wearing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vera Rutledge''': I just can't tell you how disappointed I am in you both. The two of you have always been campus leaders. Right now, I'm dealing with overcrowded classrooms, tuition increases and the Cuesta Verde Conquistadors are going 0 for 12 this year. The last thing I need on my plate is a sorority love tape scandal. Girls! I can't get involved with this right now!
:'''Alexis''': We are so mortified, Dean Rutledge.
:'''Tiffany''': Don't worry. We'll take care of it.
:'''Vera''': Good. Now, I trust you ladies will handle this with the high standards that I've instilled in you in the last four years.
:'''Tiffany''': Of course.
:'''Vera''': Now, if you'll excuse me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kelsey Williams''': Dean Rutledge?
:'''Vera Rutledge''': Kelsey!
:'''Kelsey''': I got your message.
:'''Vera''': Yes, I wanted to have a word with you. I wanted you to know that we've zeroed in on November 21st for the career fair, and I'm looking for volunteers to help coordinate the event.
:'''Kelsey''': Well, you can count on me.
:'''Vera''': Good.
:'''Kelsey''': Is there... anything else?
:'''Vera''': No. That'll be all. ''[Kelsey starts to walk away]'' There is... one more thing. ''[Kelsey turns around and faces Vera]'' I want you to stop screwing my husband.
:'''Kelsey''': I don't know what you mean.
:'''Vera''': Let's... not do this, shall we? I know it's you. I'm not surprised. Jake always had a thing for the sleazy sorority type. And you certainly fit the bill. Flouncing around campus like a ridiculous harlot with a penchant for cheap perfume.
:'''Kelsey''': You know, I don't have to take that from you.
:'''Vera''': Yes, you do. Because you know I have it in my power to destroy you, and I will... with pleasure if I even get a hint that you are still seeing my husband behind my back. Trust me, you won't be able to get a job teaching kids how to tie their shoes. Are we clear? Walk away, Kelsey. There's not a man around as far as I can see. Don't make me speak to you again. ''[turns around and walks away from Kelsey]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiffany''': Hi, Professor Williams.
:'''Kelsey Williams''': What's happening?
:'''Tiffany''': ''[referring to Jake Rutledge]'' Oh, you didn't hear? They found evidence connecting him to his wife's murder.
:'''Kelsey''': What evidence?
:'''Tiffany''': The murder weapon. It was one of those night sticks that security guards use. They found traces of the Dean's blood, and the Professor's prints were all over it.
:'''Kelsey''': That's impossible.
:'''Tiffany''': He got it at Walmart. Security camera footage showed him buying it just days before the murder. Funny. He doesn't look like a murderer to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': Feminine wiles can be a tricky thing. When a woman uses love to get what she wants, she can easily turn a love-struck man into a dangerous weapon. Problem is, like any weapon, sometimes it can be turned against us. Unfortunately for Professor Kelsey Williams, she taught Chaz everything she knows.

===''Killer Instinct''===
:'''Lilith''': Davis Bennett just discovered that lethal things often come in pretty packages. But the lesson cost him his life. In this case, looks really can kill. As for Lauren Coleston, well, she's also about to learn something, which is that the life of a professional assassin is just as much about receiving pain as it is about dispensing it.

===''Bad Science''===
:'''Lilith''': We look in mirrors every day. The reflection back shows us what other people see. But it takes more than a mirror to see inside our souls. Matilda West has always been a force of nature, the type of woman who'll never back down from a challenge or take no for an answer. A woman who'll do almost anything to survive. But even someone as beautiful and brilliant and tough as Matilda will eventually meet her match in this world or the other.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dark Matilda West''': If everyone here is as naive as the three of you... in a few years, I'm gonna be running this dimension. ''[chuckles]''

===''Family Business''===
:'''Lilith''': It was once said that love means never having to say that you're sorry. Apparently, the copywriter that coined the trite phrase has never actually been in love. For in fact, anyone who's ever been in love knows love means always having to say that you're sorry. Devlin Grant is a man who's about to be sorrier than he ever dreamed, and get more than he bargained for, in a battle in which the spoils of victory may very well be his own soul.

===''Jail Break''===
:'''Lilith''': Remember Rafe Daniels? He works as a prison guard at the Cuesta Verde women's penitentiary. Most of the guards there have a reputation worse than the inmates they're supposed to be watching. But not Rafe. No; Rafe has a warm heart and a burning desire for true love. Unfortunately, it's hard to meet a girl you can take home to mother, when you work in a prison. It's definitely not a singles mixer. And the last time Rafe tried romancing a girl at work, well, let's just say he wound up with a real backstabber. One would've thought, after all that drama, Rafe would've learned his lesson. Oh, but it's not easy to ignore what the heart wants. And given all the evidence, stolen money, a gun, and at least one very dead body, well, one might assume that he is under the spell of yet another femme fatale.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rafe Daniels''': Dear Warden Jefferies, it has been an honor working for you at the Cuesta Verde Women's Correctional Facility for the last four years. However, recent events have taken such an emotional toll on me; I have decided it would be in my best interest to take a break from this line of work, at least temporarily. So it is with a heavy heart that I submit this letter of resignation, effective immediately. I will always have the utmost respect for you, sir, and wish you and your family only the best. Sincerely, Rafe Daniels.

===''Crazy Mary''===
:'''Lilith''': Poor Mary Mason. She's just can't seem to catch a break. All she wants is her old life back. With a happy home and a man that loves her and keep her safe and warm. Oh, but there is no safety when you're a lamb in a den full of wolves. Especially when everybody thinks that you're crazy. You may think things couldn't get any worse for our little daydreamer. Well, that's where you'd be wrong. Here at the Cuesta Verde Institute for the criminally insane, things are about to get, for the lack of a better word, a little nuts.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': Looks like Crazy Mary's adventures are just beginning. If you should ever happen to cross her path, I suggest you be very, very nice to her.

===''One Man's Death''===
:'''Lilith''': Todd Voight is a very lucky man. Successful, handsome and loved by two beautiful women. But tonight his luck runs out. He leaves two women mourning his death and discovering his secrets. All of his secrets.

===''Hell Hath No Furies''===
:'''Lilith''': ''[in a Christmas outfit]'' It looks like Lydia Gonzales's pleas for mercy have gone unheeded. Lydia did try and warn the judge that El Jefe could reach her, no matter where she would hide, and now, her warning is about to be proven all too true. It appears that Lydia Gonzales and the men and women of Cuesta Verde Precinct 13 are about to have a very, very bad Christmas. ''[chuckles]''

===''Libra''===
:'''Lilith''': It could be argued that there is a fine line between fantasy and reality. Dimitri Uzi Olesky just won his war against the Ryan mob. Oh, and he paid a very heavy price to do it. But all's fair in love and war, and for now, he is the undisputed crime boss of Cuesta Verde. Ironically, boss Olesky will pay for his sins, but retribution will come from a place he least expects it, for in the end, the scales of justice always tip one way or another.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Max Bailey''': Where am I, lady?
:'''Libra''': The name's not &quot;Lady&quot;. It's Libra.
:'''Max''': Okay, nice to meet you, um... Libra. My name is Max–
:'''Libra''': Max Bailey. I know. I've had Olesky's place under surveillance for weeks.
:'''Max''': Are you a cop?
:'''Libra''': You never know. But mostly just a concerned citizen. Same as you.
:'''Max''': That's the first time anyone's ever called me that.
:'''Libra''': Your father worked for Olesky. They were partners until Olesky cut him out of the business. When your father started to talk, Olesky had him killed. ''[removes her mask]'' You want revenge... just like I do. But instead of wearing a mask, you're helping the police. You're looking for Olesky's mole in Special Investigations.
:'''Max''': Yeah; Do you know who that is?
:'''Libra''': ''[removes her utility belt and drops it on the floor]'' Not yet.
:'''Max''': Look, I need to report in. Tomorrow night Olesky's having a sit-down with the other bosses.
:'''Libra''': That's right. ''[removes her evening gloves]'' I plan on being there.
:'''Max''': Who are you? I mean, nobody names their kid &quot;Libra&quot;.
:'''Libra''': We're on the same team, Max. We just wear different uniforms. ''[stares Max in the face]'' Do I frighten you?
:'''Max''': Isn't that the idea?
:'''Libra''': There's a reason you should be frightened of me. ''[removes her costume and reveals her body to Max]'' Before, I was just a woman. But gangsters aren't scared by women. They use them, exploit them, manipulate them. But Libra... she's a symbol. Someone that they can't bribe, scare or seduce. And the scales of justice always tip in Libra's favor. But right now, I'm not Libra. I'm just a woman.
:'''Max''': You're beautiful.
:'''Libra''': Thank you, Max Bailey. ''[kisses Max on the lips]'' So what do you know about Libras? Hmm?
:'''Max''': Ask me later.
:'''Libra''': Uh-huh.
:'''Max''': I'm still learning.
:'''Libra''': Yeah? Well... for one, we loathe cruelty, viciousness and vulgarity. But we believe in compassion and compromise.
:'''Max''': Doesn't sound like you.
:'''Libra''': You know what else? We like to be touched.
:'''Max''': Oh.
:'''Libra''': That leg isn't gonna give you trouble now, is it?
:'''Max''': No, I'll manage.
:'''Libra''': That's what I thought.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Max''': You thought I wouldn't know where you were going?
:'''Libra''': You shouldn't be here.
:'''Max''': Neither should you. Being anywhere near Olesky right now is a very bad idea.
:'''Libra''': Yeah, and you need to let me be. Let me take him down.
:'''Max''': Are you trying to get yourself killed? You try and get in there, and you're dead. Libra is a fictional comic book character. Somehow, I don't think the author based his stories on your real-life exploits. You're not Libra.
:'''Libra''': He let my mother die. Some kidnappers took her for some easy score. They tried to ransom her back. $5 million. They wanted $5 million. Pocket change for my father. He told them to go screw themselves. Refused to pay a dime. Cops found her a couple of days later – raped and mutilated. We had to have a closed casket. He didn't even come to the funeral – too busy seducing one of his harlots.
:'''Max''': You're Anya Olesky?
:'''Libra''': No. I'm Libra. And these streets are mine. And tonight, Dimitri Olesky will pay for the blood that he has spilled.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angel Tomlin''': The play's the thing wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king. [[William Shakespeare|Shakespeare]], [[Hamlet#Act II|''Hamlet'', Act II]]. We are going to take this to Broadway. ''Shakespeare Undressed''. And then... I'd like to thank the Academy. It is such an honor to accept this award on behalf of everyone involved in ''Shakespeare Undressed''. I am especially indebted to [[w:Patrick Stewart|Sir Patrick Stewart]] for his guidance and his support. Thank you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Max''': Well, you got your revenge. I guess we both did. Now what?
:'''Libra''': It's not about us anymore. There's a lot of people suffering in Cuesta Verde. People who have no one to help them. Cuesta Verde needs a symbol. A champion for the oppressed.
:'''Max''': You know anyone for the job?
:'''Libra''': I might.
:'''Max''': That was a rhetorical question.
:'''Libra''': I can't do this all by myself. I need a Robin.
:'''Max''': A Robin? Your very own Boy Wonder? I don't think so.
:'''Libra''': Ah, come on. You'd look hot in tights.
:'''Max''': We'll see, Anya.
:'''Libra''': The name's Libra, and these streets are mine.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilith''': We all wear masks – sometimes for fun and other times for disguise or protection. Some masks are steel. Some are satin. Some are silk, and some are leather. They're the faces of a stranger, but we love to try them on. Hopefully, you'll find one that is a perfect fit. Anya Olesky did.

==Cast==
===Main Cast===
* [[w:Tanit Phoenix|Tanit Phoenix]] – Lilith

===Notable Guest Stars===
* Ariauna Albright as Dream Woman
* Ana Alexander as Camille Gardner
* [[w:Sadie Alexandru|Sadie Alexandru]] as Janelle
* [[Crystal Allen]] as Rhonda Temple
* [[w:Mark A. Altman|Mark A. Altman]] as the Voice of the Desk Clerk
* Catherine Annette as Tiffany
* [[w:Domiziano Arcangeli|Domiziano Arcangeli]] as Chaka
* [[w:Scott Bailey (actor)|Scott Bailey]] as Greg Cooper
* Carlee Baker as Beth Odets
* [[w:Cameron Bender|Cameron Bender]] as Tom Lomax
* [[w:Daniel Bess|Daniel Bess]] as Logan Cale
* [[w:Ryan Bittle|Ryan Bittle]] as Archie Beecham
* Philip Boyd as Nick
* Walker Brandt as Amy
* [[w:J.C. Brandy|J.C. Brandy]] as Maxine
* Tiffany Brouwer as Holly Brown
* David Bygrave as Boyfriend
* Daniel Capellaro as Todd Voight
* Tina Casciani as Barbara
* [[w:Jeffrey Combs|Jeffrey Combs]] as the Voice of the Interrogator
* [[w:Rick Copp|Rick Copp]] as Richard Hollis / Teacher
* [[w:Ellie Cornell|Ellie Cornell]] as Detective Janet Wright
* Mark Costello as Detective Mitchum
* Marc Crumpton as Foster Prentiss
* Stephanie Danielson as Emily
* Kristen DeLuca as Beverly Dietrich
* Asher Deva as Ricardo
* James Devoti as Cam
* Andrew Dickler as R.J.
* [[w:Casper Van Dien|Casper Van Dien]] as Joe Hallenbeck
* [[w:Danica Dillon|Danica Dillon]] as Caroline / Virginia
* [[w:Charles Divins|Charles Divins]] as Dr. Troy
* Christine Donlon as Violet MacReady
* Sean Douglas as Pressman
* [[w:Daphnée Duplaix|Daphnée Duplaix]] as Alexis
* Madison Dylan as Alexis
* [[w:Kiko Ellsworth|Kiko Ellsworth]] as Detective Carter Judson
* [[w:John Enos III|John Enos III]] as Gil Flood
* [[w:Jeff Fahey|Jeff Fahey]] as Detective McAllister
* Tammy Felice as Kim
* Gigi Feshold as Bebe
* Chanon Finley as Lisa Bannion
* Jon Fleming as Aaron
* [[w:Raymond Forchion|Raymond Forchion]] as Judge Aldrich
* [[w:Bren Foster|Bren Foster]] as Howard
* [[w:Vivica A. Fox|Vivica A. Fox]] as Dean Vera Rutledge
* [[w:Kyle Gass|Kyle Gass]] as Willoughby Flagler
* [[w:Carrie Genzel|Carrie Genzel]] as Dr. Marlowe
* Diana Gettinger as Laurie
* Paul Green as Marvin Widmark
* Anne Lee Greene as Kendra Banks
* Ian Gregory as Charles McKendrick
* Nikki Griffin as Nicole Ryan
* [[w:Dean Haglund|Dean Haglund]] as Kip
* [[w:Ashley Hamilton|Ashley Hamilton]] as Devlin Grant
* [[w:Steve Richard Harris|Steve Richard Harris]] as Lex
* Jules Hartley as Molly Trevor
* [[w:Reggie Hayes|Reggie Hayes]] as Kevin Freeman
* [[w:Erin Marie Hogan|Erin Marie Hogan]] as Emily
* [[w:Neil Hopkins|Neil Hopkins]] as Charles Solomon
* Stacy Stas Hurst as Jessica
* [[w:Adam Huss|Adam Huss]] as Max Bailey
* Heidi James as Big Aggie
* Andray Johnson as Uniform Cop #1
* [[w:Preston Jones (actor)|Preston Jones]] as Aaron
* Tom Kirlin as Guard
* Kerry Knuppe as Daphne
* [[w:Joe Kraemer (composer)|Joe Kraemer]] as Officer Taylor
* Steve Kriozere as Doctor
* [[w:Robert LaSardo|Robert LaSardo]] as Laz Swan
* [[w:William Gregory Lee|William Gregory Lee]] as Jimmy
* [[w:Kimo Leopoldo|Kimo Leopoldo]] as Bodyguard
* Christian Levantino as Pete Green
* [[w:Crystle Lightning|Crystle Lightning]] as Candela
* Vedette Lim as Agent Pam
* Scott Logan as Jake Rutledge
* Sierra Love as Isabella Cregar
* Kate Luyben as Mary Mason
* [[w:Jes Macallan|Jes Macallan]] as Susan Voight
* [[w:Stephen Macht|Stephen Macht]] as Leland Ryan
* Jordan Madley as Rachel Worth
* Janelle Marra as Gloria
* Michael Masini as Chris Gunden
* Brady Matthews as Chris Wade
* [[w:Paul Mazursky|Paul Mazursky]] as Warden Jeffries
* [[w:Sandra McCoy|Sandra McCoy]] as Professor Kelsey Williams
* Geoff Meed as O'Brien
* Cristin Michele as Cynthia
* [[w:Mirtha Michelle|Mirtha Michelle]] as Lauren Coleston
* [[w:Anya Monzikova|Anya Monzikova]] as Darla McKendrick
* Nikki Moore as Abigail Strauss
* [[w:Chris Mulkey|Chris Mulkey]] as Bendix Darby
* [[w:Isaiah Mustafa|Isaiah Mustafa]] as Raven
* Jo Newman as Jess Russell
* Ashley Noel as Matilda West / Dark Matilda West
* [[w:Charlie O'Connell|Charlie O'Connell]] as Jay Roma
* [[w:Ho-Sung Pak|Ho-Sung Pak]] as Superstar Assassin (aka The Ghost) / Fight Trainer
* Melissa Paulo as Erida
* Moniqua Plante as Sara
* [[w:Robert Picardo|Robert Picardo]] as Hieronymus Hawks
* Will Poston as Rafe Daniels
* Shani Pride as Tatiana
* [[w:Nick Principe|Nick Principe]] as Killer
* Tara Radcliffe as Joanne Terranova
* [[w:Paul Rae|Paul Rae]] as Guard
* [[w:Steve Railsback|Steve Railsback]] as Dr. Daniel Duryea
* Geoff Reeves as Steve Mason
* [[w:Arloa Reston|Arloa Reston]] as Sharon
* Makinna Ridgway as Angelica
* Jennifer Roa as Norma Swanson
* [[w:Eric Roberts|Eric Roberts]] as David Bannion
* Tobi Rodriguez as Lucky Starr
* Annie Ruby as Susan
* [[w:Betsy Rue|Betsy Rue]] as Libra
* [[w:Joel Rush|Joel Rush]] as Pecs
* Joe Sabatino as Iggy Bacardi
* [[Antonio Sabàto Jr.]] as Bart
* [[w:Leilani Sarelle|Leilani Sarelle]] as Veronica Flood
* Bryan Sato as Kentaro
* Donna W. Scott as Alicia Ryan
* [[Angus Scrimm]] as Dr. Chandler
* [[w:Scheana Shay|Scheana Shay]] as Angel Tomlin
* Justin Shilton as Robinson McGraw
* Mark Simich as Davis Bennett
* Aiden Simko as Chaz
* Joe Slaughter as Roger Reynolds
* Melissa Soso as Girl coming out of the elevator
* Hollie Stenson as Abby
* [[w:Robin Sydney|Robin Sydney]] as Lindsey
* Colin Tary as Andy
* Jennifer Thompson as Ace's New Girl
* Diana Elizabeth Torres as Lydia Gonzales / El Jefe
* [[w:Elena Tovar|Elena Tovar]] as Elena Machado
* Tyson Turrou as Doug
* Tiffany Tynes as Tina Hendricks
* [[w:Ilia Volok|Ilia Volok]] as Dimitri Uzi Olesky
* [[w:Jasmine Waltz|Jasmine Waltz]] as Tara
* Christopher Warner as Detective Brody
* Drew Waters as Robert Burke
* [[w:Charlie Weber (actor)|Charlie Weber]] as Ace
* Kit Willesee as Lacey Rivers
* Jason Wishnov as Man on Couch

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{IMDb title|1841108|Femme Fatales}}

[[Category:2010s American anthology TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American mystery TV shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Cinemax shows]]</text>
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    <title>The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1</title>
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1|1]] [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 2|2]] [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3|3]] | [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius|'''Main''']]
----

'''''[[w:The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius|The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius]]''''' is a show that ran on Nickelodeon from 2002–2006. The show follows the life of genius kid Jimmy Neutron and his friends and family. It is also based on the 2001 CGI film ''[[Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius (film)|Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius]]''.

===''When Pants Attack''===

:'''Judy''': James Issac Neutron! How many times have I told you to pick up your pants?!
:'''Jimmy''': Well, I know just the dog who can answer that, mom. ''[Snaps fingers, Goddard comes out]'' Goddard, access maternal reprehend data, cross reference: pants.
:''[Goddard begins replaying the times Judy asked Jimmy to pick up his pants.]''
:'''Judy''': ''[onscreen]'' Jimmy! Pick up your pants, please? -- Uh, Jimmy? Pick up your pants. -- Pick up your pants. -- Pants. -- Jimmy! -- Jimmy? -- Jimmy? -- Pick 'em up. -- Jimmy! -- Pick up… -- Pick up… -- Jimmy? -- …Your pants!
:''[Screen says &quot;54 times to date&quot;]''
:'''Judy''': I rest my case. Okay, no more Mrs-Nice-Mom.

&lt;hr width-50%&gt;
:''[Cindy presents her report with Jimmy unintentionally joining in.]''
:'''Cindy''': Origami: the ancient art of Japanese paper folding. I will be making the most difficult of all origami structures; a snow monkey.
:'''Jimmy''': Actually, paper folding originated in China --
:'''Cindy''': Riding a flying dragon --
:'''Jimmy''': In the second century A.D. --
:'''Cindy''': While drinking tea --
:'''Jimmy''': And was brought to Japan --
:'''Cindy''': On a ladder --
:'''Jimmy''': In the sixth century --
:'''Cindy''': IN DECEMBER!
:'''Ms. Fowl''': Cindy, I didn't know you and Jimmy were doing this report together.
:'''Cindy:''' We're ''not!''

===''Normal Boy''===
:'''Cindy''': Neutron, why don't you just go to college and leave us all alone.
:''[The students chatter in agreement as Principal Willoughby walks in the classroom]''
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Good news, everyone, Jimmy Neutron's state test scores were the highest in world history. ''[Jimmy cowers nervously as everyone glares at him as the bell for recess rings]'' Okay, time for recess. ''[shouts]'' No one go near Jimmy's head! ''[softly]'' That's precious cargo.
:'''Jimmy''': I liked your project, Libby.
:'''Libby''': Ah! ''[holds up a skeleton skull to Jimmy's face]'' Talk to the skull.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheen''': ''[after Jimmy attempts to use a Brain Drain helmet on himself]'' Wow, look at him. He looks so... so similar.
:'''Carl''': Aw, don't worry, Jimmy. There's always next time.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[notices the shine on his inventions, speaking in a derpy-like voice]'' Shiny? Shiny! I like shiny!
:'''Carl and Sheen''': It worked!
:'''Jimmy''': Hey, have you guys seen my loopy dance? ''[singing]'' I'm loopy, I'm loopy, I'm loopy, loopy, loopy…
:'''Carl''': You know, this new Jimmy seems kinda stupid.
:'''Sheen''': Yeah, he's really messed up. ''[beat]'' I like him!
:'''Carl''': Me too!
:'''Sheen''': Can we keep him?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ms. Fowl:''' Okay, who can tell me the square root of 144? Bwaaak!
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[raises hand]'' I know! Eleventy-six!
:'''Ms. Fowl:''' Well, no, I'm sorry. ''[squawks]'' That's wrong. ''[Cindy raises her hand]'' Cindy?
:'''Cindy:''' 12.
:'''Miss Fowl:''' No! ''[crying]'' It's 18!

===''Birth of a Salesman''===
:''[Jimmy is outside school, along with Carl, Sheen, Libby &amp; Cindy.]''
:'''Jimmy''': Ladies and gentlemen... and Cindy, I want to show you the greatest thing your eyes have ever beheld!
:'''Carl''': A [[w:llama|llama]]?
:'''Jimmy''': No.
:'''Carl''': A baby llama?
:'''Jimmy''': ''[scoffs]'' No!
:'''Carl''': A baby llama with a little hat on?
:'''Jimmy''': ''[angerier]'' NO!
:'''Cindy''': An invention of yours that actually works? ''[She and Libby laugh.]''
:'''Jimmy''': NO!!.. I mean...yes! I present to you... my latest neutronic invention ... ''[Presents three pieces of miniature books]'' Book Gum. Why read a book when you can just chew the book instead?
:'''Sheen''': Wow, Jimmy, chewing a book.
:'''Jimmy''': Sheen, you don't actually chew a book. See, I reduced the contents of different books to gum form. You chew it, and you know it. ''[He gives some gum to Sheen, who chews it.]''
:'''Sheen''': Yuck! Tastes... fishy. ''[starts quoting from [[w:Moby-Dick|Moby-Dick]]]'' &quot;Call me Ishmael. Starbuck, it's the great white whale! I'll get you, Moby Dick!&quot;
:'''Cindy''': Give me a piece of that. ''[Takes a piece and chews]'' Hmm... It tastes like fried chicken. ''[starts quoting from [[w:Gone with the Wind|Gone with the Wind]]]'' &quot;Oh, Ashley, Oh, Rhett. I don't know nothin' about birthin' no babies.&quot;
:''[Carl is about to taste a handful of gum pieces.]''
:'''Jimmy''': Careful, Carl. It would be very dangerous to eat more than one at a time.
:''[Carl selects a piece.]''
:'''Carl''': Mmm... ''William Shakespeare''.
:'''Jimmy''': That might just be a little ''strong'' for you, Carl.
:'''Carl''': ''[quotes Romeo's monologue from [[Romeo and Juliet]], during which Cindy rolls her eyes in amazement]'' &quot;But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east and Juliet is the sun. See how she leans her cheek upon her hand. Oh, that I were a glove upon that hand that I might touch that cheek.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': I have miscalculated its not about superior intellect is all about manipulating emotions with shallow unscrupulous behavior. Goddard, options! '''&quot;Take tap dancing lessons.&quot;''' Jimmy Neutron doesn't dance, Goddard. '''&quot;Go back in time and tell Cindy you will lose the contest.&quot;''' Goddard, whose kind of side are you on?! '''&quot;Build a better salesman.&quot;''' Yeah. If I can't be a better salesman, I'll create a better salesman! ''[Jimmy's lab; he has invented a robot salesman]'' The Willy Loman 3000-- a super-selling machine programmed to make the sale at any cost. He will ''not'' take &quot;no&quot; for an answer.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': It's the good life, gentlemen. While the W.L. 3000 does all the work, we're here enjoying a tall cold one.
:'''Sheen''': And plan our VIP trip to Retroland.
:'''Carl''': ''HUZZAH!''
:'''Sheen''': What?
:'''Carl''': &quot;Huzzah&quot; some goofy way to say &quot;''COOL!''&quot;!
:'''Man''': What?!?
:'''Willy''': Goo-ood afternoon, sir. May I say you look absolutely f-f-fabulous? Ha-ha-ha, yes, I agree it is beautiful out, heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh...
:'''Man''': I don't want to buy nothin'.
:'''Willy''': &quot;Buy&quot;? Who said &quot;buy&quot;? I-I-I'd like to give you a piece of c-candy, absolutely free with no strings attached.
:'''Man''': Forget it.
:'''Willy''': You can never have enough ca-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-andy, sir.
:'''Man''': I can. And I ''DO!'' Good-bye.
:''[The man almost closes the door, but Willy blocks it.]''
:'''Willy''': Y-yes, y-y-y-yes, this is a &quot;g-good buy&quot;.
:'''Man''': ''[struggling to close the door]'' What part of ''&quot;NO!&quot;'' do you not understand?
:'''Willy''': ''[holds up Goddard]'' How about if I throw in this free-ee-ee-ee dog if you buy a box?
:'''Man''': Hmm... what kind of dog is he?
:'''Willy''': He's your kind of dog. C-congratulations.
:''[Willy gives Goddard to the man, takes his money and slams the door]'' 
:'''Man''': ''[from inside the house]'' Hey, what does he ea-? Wha-? Wha-? Oh! OH! Not on the carpet, yo-! Ooh... Are those lug nuts?

===''Brobot''===
:'''Jimmy''': Mom, Dad, I have an announcement.
:'''Judy''': Ooh, tell me now if this involves any principals, policemen, or government people.
:'''Jimmy''': Nope. Not this time.
:'''Hugh and Judy''': Oh, good.
:'''Jimmy''': Goddard? ''[Goddard opens up a projection PowerPoint presentation with his mouth]'' As you know, research tells us the nuclear family of two or more progeny produces a higher happiness quotient than does a solo child family.
:'''Hugh''': Who wants to see the salt and pepper dance?
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, maybe I'll just cut to the chase. Mom, Dad, I want a little brother.
:''[Hugh spits out his drink after hearing this]''
:'''Judy''': ''[surprised]'' Jimmy!
:'''Hugh''': Jimbo! Baby making is very…complicated, believe me…
:'''Jimmy''': Dad, Dad, it's not complicated, really. It's basically conception, right…?
:'''Hugh''': ''[covers his ears]'' ♪ La-la-la-la ♪
:'''Judy''': Hugh, Hugh! ''[to Jimmy]'' Sweetie, a new baby just isn't in the cards right now.
:'''Jimmy''': But, Mom, if the glandular timeline closes…
:'''Hugh''': That's enough. Okay, I want pie. Anyone else want pie? I want pie.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Well, if the parental units won't provide me with a sibling, I'll just have to take matters into my own hands.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Brobot! What have I done?!
:'''Brobot''': WOW! That was amazing! Talk about tickling. Glad you made me 100% indestructible.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Brobot, I'd like to introduce you to your Mombot and your Popbot. I'm sure you'll be very happy together.
:'''Brobot''': ''[gasps in surprise]'' Cool! Thanks, Jimmy. You're the best. ''[holds hands with his robot parents as they fly off to the moon in space]''
:'''Judy''': Bye, Brobot. We'll miss you. Don't forget to write.

===''The Big Pinch''===
:'''Jimmy''': ''[sarcastic]'' Oh, I forgot about the ever popular mud-powered radio.
:'''Cindy''': And I forgot about your mud-powered brain!
:'''Thomas Edison''': Woo! That hovercar's a piece of work!
:'''Jimmy''': Thank you, Mr. Edison. You know, I achieved the upward thrust using strautium nitium-crusted fuel rods and titanium valuves.
:'''Thomas Edison''': Are you done? It's not that great, okay?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Make with the option. '''&quot;Convince town that electricity's overrated.&quot;''' No. '''&quot;Change name and flee country.&quot;''' Possibly. '''&quot;Break up Edison and Ms. Fowl.&quot;''' That's it! If I can break them up, Edison won't have any reason to stay here.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[mimicking Edison]'' Hey, you mangy canine, get away from there. ''[Goddard barks; normal voice]'' Fooled you. It's just me, Goddard. See, I installed a voice transformer inside this walkie-talkie. Observe. ''[mimicking Edison]'' Whip-diddly-doo, everybody. Pretty good, huh? Now open wide, boy. ''[Goddard whines]'' Aw, Goddard, this is going to help me break up Edison and Ms. Fowl. Now, come on pretend it's a nice, crunchy lug nut. ''[Goddard eats the speaker and belches]'' Good boy. Good boy. Now here's the plan…

===''Granny Baby''===
:'''Hugh''': All right, Jimbo, now listen. We're going to be staying at the Wild Animal Land in Dead Zebra Carcass suite. Don't tell your mother. It's gonna be a big surprise.
:'''Judy''': Oh, and Jimmy, Granny Neutron's coming over while we're gone.
:'''Jimmy''': Aw, Mom. Don't you remember my theorem proving mathematically, I don't need anyone to watch me?
:'''Hugh''': No, Jim-jam, she's not watching you, you're watching ''her.''
:'''Judy''': Besides, you can keep each other company. Now, remember, we're counting on you to watch out for her.
:'''Hugh''': Oh, and don't conduct anymore experiments on her, Jimbo.
:'''Judy''': At her age, the last thing you want is excitement.
:''[A taxi screeches to a stop in front of the Neutron residence with Granny driving]''
:'''Granny''': Told you I could get here from the airport in under fifty cents. ''[laughs]''
:'''Hugh''': Mom!
:'''Judy''': Oh, Mother Neutron.
:'''Jimmy''': Hi, Granny.
:'''Granny''': Jimmy, you tote my clothes. Hugh…you carry my pills, syrups, salves serums, girdles, ointments, medical devices, and miscellaneous supports.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Jimmy's lab; Jimmy and Goddard watch Granny on the computer monitor, talking to a Jimmy dummy standee]''
:'''Jimmy''': Age is a cruel, cruel thing, Goddard. In a short 65 years, you completely lose your ability to tell when people want you to stop talking.
:'''Granny''': ''[on monitor]'' And forget Preparation H. I've made it all the way to Preparation X. ''[laughs]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[realizing]'' Wait a second. If I made her young again, I'd bet she'd stop complaining. But I promised Mom and Dad I wouldn't experiment on Granny…especially after that time I made her magnetic. ''[chuckles]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[takes out the flask]'' She's awfully old. I hope this is enough.
:''[Living room; Granny sits across from the Jimmy Dummy, trying to open a lid of a small bottle, as the real Jimmy enters with the Tonic behind his back]''
:'''Granny''': Good morning. ''[points to the dummy standee]'' I was just telling you over there about my deviated spatchum. On cold mornings it rattles like the Tin Man throwing up a hoagie full of wood screws.
:'''Jimmy''': What's in the bottle?
:'''Granny''': Tongue De-Furrer. Your tongue gets furry when you're old. Sometimes I wake up it has chewing on it.
:'''Jimmy''':  Let me open that for you. ''[takes the bottle and pours the tonic in the bottle, and turns back to Granny]'' I think you'll feel much better and quieter after you drink this.
:'''Granny''': ''[Drinks it and smacks her lips distastefully]'' Tastes funny. Of course, what do I know – after sixty your sense of taste completely disapp- ''[the medicine then ends up transforming her into a baby]''
:'''Jimmy''': Granny?!
:'''Granny Baby''': Goo-goo-ga-gee.
:'''Jimmy''': Uh-oh. Granny?
:'''Granny Baby''': I feel great! Did I just take my morphine?
:'''Jimmy''': Uh… No, Granny. Well, you're… You're sort of, uh… baby.
:'''Granny Baby''': ''[as Goddard holds up a mirror, looking at her reflection]'' Holy fiber caps, I'm topless!
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, man, this isn't good. Where'd you get the diaper?
:'''Granny Baby''': I was already wearing it. ''[breaks wind in her diaper]'' Ooh… I need my diadey changed!
:'''Jimmy''': Problem. Goddard, change diaper.
:''[Goddard hacks in disgust]''
:'''Granny Baby''': Change me, NOW!
:'''Jimmy''': Who can change a diaper? ''[Goddard displays '''&quot;A Nurse&quot;''' on his screen]'' I don't know any nurses. ''[Goddard's screen then displays '''&quot;Your Mother&quot;''']'' No way. I love and respect Mom far too much to let her know, I, disobeyed her. ''[Goddard's screen displays '''&quot;Cindy&quot;'''; looks out the window, seeing Cindy across the street running a garage sale in the driveway with Libby]'' Uh-uh, no way! I will never ever ask Cindy for a favor!
:'''Granny Baby''': ''[breaks wind in her diaper again]'' Clean my poopy!
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, let's go ask Cindy for a favor. Shall we?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sheen''': Do you have any other Ultra Lord collectibles?
:'''Cindy''': No. Pay and leave.
:'''Sheen''': Any Ultra Lord videos?
:'''Cindy''': No.
:'''Sheen''': DVDs?
:'''Cindy''': No.
:'''Sheen''': CD-ROMs?
:'''Cindy''': No.
:'''Sheen''': TV episodes…
:'''Cindy''': NO!
:'''Sheen''': What about the discolored pajamas you get at the swap meet?
:'''Cindy''': NO! Do I look like the kind of pathetic self-diluted dweeb case who'd have anything about Ultra Lord?!
:'''Sheen''': No. You look more like a regular kind of pathetic self-diluted dweeb case.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Jimmy picks up bottles of DANGEROUS CHEMICALS (labeled as such); Cindy looks at a shelf, carrying Granny, who holds a rattle]''
:'''Granny Baby''': I'm bored! Make a funny face and let me hit you with a rattle.
:'''Cindy''': No.''[Granny Baby cries.]'' Okay, okay! ''[Cindy does a funny face and Granny Baby hits her in a face with her rattle.]''
:'''Granny Baby''': It's fun hitting you. Ha ha ha ha!
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[whispering]'' Granny Granny quiet.
:'''Guy:''' Did that baby just talk?
:'''Jimmy:''' No. Ha ha, why? Everyone know babies can't talk.
:'''Granny Baby:''' ''[To People]'' That's right. 'Cos if we could the Videotubbies’d became the subway, it’d make their head aerials spin. Ha ha ha ha!
:''[The people gasp. Jimmy and Cindy running from the clamoring mob.]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy''': ''[gives Jimmy the antidote in a baby bottle]'' Here. Anything else you'd like? Your slippers in a pipe maybe?
:''[Jimmy feeds Granny Baby the antidote in a baby bottle, reverting her back to her old self as Jimmy's parents arrive in the nick of time]''
:'''Judy''': Hello, honey. How was everything?
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, hi, Mom! Nothing unusual here, just me and Granny obeying all your rules. Yes, ma'am, that's what we're doing.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy''': Well, I'd love to stay and help you narrowly avoid even more consequences of your stupid actions but it looks like Libby and I have a date with some enchilada burritos.
:'''Jimmy''': It's nice to have you back, Granny.
:'''Granny''': So nice to be back, Jimmy. ''[chuckles]''
:'''Carl''': Hey, Jim, I'm really thirsty. Does your mom have any lemonade?
:'''Granny''': ''[gives Carl the antidote baby bottle]'' Drink this!
:'''Jimmy''': NO! ''[Carl drinks the antidote, turning himself into an old man]'' Carl? You okay?
:'''Old Carl''': Well, my eyes hurt, my hair is gone, and I have powerful urge to dance badly.
:'''Granny''': I'll take a piece of that.

===''Time Is Money''===
:'''Sheen''': I like the part about the medulla oblongata. I don't know what it means, but I love the way it sounds! ''[waves his UltraLord action figure at Carl]'' Back or I will slay thee you with my medulla oblongata!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[after watching the commercial of the Encyclopedia of Infinite Knowledge]'' Wow! Did you guys see that?! There's never been an encyclopedia like that ever! I gotta have it.
:'''Sheen''': That's so crazy, because I ''so'' don't want it.
:'''Jimmy''': Sorry, guys. I gotta go talk to my mom, right now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Ugh, gee, Goddard. It's not fair. Wish I could go back in time and convince him to invest in… ''[gets an idea]'' That's it. If we go back in time, I can convince Dad to invest in McSpanky's, and then, we'll have ''all'' the money we'll ever need!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Judy''': ''[about Sheen &amp; Carl]'' And what are they doing here? The big one is odd and the thin one is a weirdo.
:'''Carl''': Hey, you can't insult us like that!
:'''Hugh''': ''[tosses Carl and Sheen a gold brick]'' Here you go, get yourself something nice.
:'''Sheen''': Sure they can! ''[turns to Carl]'' Let's go, odd guy!
:'''Carl''': ''[snorts]'' You got it, weirdo!

===''Raise the Oozy Scab''===
:'''Jimmy''': Two centuries ago, a pirate ship named, the ''Oozy Scab,'' hit a squall and sunk to the bottom of Retroville Bay with a mysterious treasure chest. No sub could ever get deep enough to retrieve it until today. ''I'm'' finding that treasure.
:'''Cindy''': Listen, Neutron. I'm not any happier about being lab partners than you are so let's just classify some seashells and get it over with.
:'''Jimmy''': Darn it all, Cindy! I wish I could join you in your fascinating seashell project, but I've already planned a dangerous search for a shipwreck in my extremely cramped submarine.
:'''Cindy''': Okay, I'm in.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy''': What kind of dunderhead would want to talk to a bunch of stupid fish?
:'''Carl''': I wanna talk to fish! I wanna talk to fish!! ''[snatches the microphone out of Jimmy's hand and sees a fish]'' Oh, hey there, little fella! Do you like Fish Snack 'Ems? They're made from fish like you, only chopped up into little bite sized pieces and deep fried in burning oil! ''[the fish screams and swims away]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy''': ''[about Jimmy]'' Throw him in the brig!
:'''Jimmy''': It'll take a lot more than ravenous hunger to turn my men against me! ''[puts fists on hips and stands proudly]'' Tell her, boys!
:'''Sheen''': I'll get some rope!
:'''Carl''': I'll hold him down!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Don't worry. Despite your ''muteness'' behavior, you'll all still get a cut of the treasure.
:''[At school, Miss Fowl's classroom; the treasure chest is filled with pieces of saltwater taffy while Jimmy hits his head against it in disappointment]''
:'''Miss Fowl''': This is the most delicious saltwater taffy I've ever tasted, children. Your project wins an A-plus!
:'''Cindy''': You know, Jimmy, I hear each one of these pieces of taffy is worth over three cents.
:'''Jimmy''': I don't wanna talk about it. ''[resumes hitting his head]''

===''I Dream of Jimmy''===
:'''Jimmy''': Carl, you're asleep. This is a dream.
:'''Carl''': Don't be silly. If this was a dream, could I do… ''[pulls a brain out from his head]'' this? 
:'''Jimmy''': That's the only time you ''can'' do it! Carl, you're asleep, there are llamas in the classroom! Libby rowed to school with a plastic leg!!
:'''Carl''': Her paddle broke.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[observing Carl's genius state in his dream]'' When Carl's asleep, he dreams he's a genius like me.
:'''Cindy''': Like you? Please, you can't even spell your own name!
:''[Jimmy looks down at his school desk, seeing apparently botched attempts at spelling &quot;Jimmy&quot;]''
:'''Carl''': Now I need a dummy who will volunteer.
:''[Everyone points at Jimmy]''
:'''Jimmy''': But I'm not dumb. I'm a genius!
:''[Everyone laughs]''
:'''Cindy''': ''[giggling]'' If you're so smart, what's the square root of a flexnart?
:'''Jimmy''': That doesn't make any sense!
:'''Carl''': The square root of a flexnart is a cupful of boogers.
:'''Libby''': ''[dreamily]'' He did that all in his head!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Carl''': ''[waking up]'' Oh, wow, I had the craziest dream.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[panting]'' I know, I was there. You almost got me killed by a legume! ''[sees the Lima bean monster creeping up behind Sheen]'' Sheen, don't move. There's a giant man-eating Lima bean monster behind you.
:'''Sheen''': Ha! You guys. I haven't believed in that since I was, like, seven.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Uh, hey, Carl, you won't tell anyone about that awful, desperate  thing I had to do to wake you up, will ya?
:'''Carl''': Of course not, Jimmy.
:'''Cindy''': ''[shows up angrily and walks to Jimmy]'' Not even in ''his'' dreams, Neutron! ''[slaps Jimmy in the face as he spins and falls on his back, and she leaves, disgusted]''

===''Jimmy On Ice''===
:'''Hugh''': ''[after he and his posse mistake Jimmy and Godard in the distance for a caribou]'' There's gonna be caribou chili tonight boys.
:'''All Three Men''': ''[chanting]'' Ugh lugh lugh yeah! Ugh lugh lugh yeah! Ooooooooooh….. CARIBOU!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hugh''': Don't waste your time, sport. All the pipes are frozen solid.
:'''Judy''': ''[to Jimmy]'' Sweetie, eat your caribou before it gets hard and icy.

===''Battle of the Band''===
:'''Sheen''': Hey! Hey! What is this? I specifically requested dolphin-safe donuts! I refuse to perform until all of my ridiculous demands are satisfied!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[While Jimmy, Carl &amp; Sheen are fighting with each other.]''
:'''Jimmy''': Wait a minute. Sheen, Carl! What are we doing?
:'''Sheen''': Well, I was about to strangle Carl.
:'''Carl''': Yeah, and I was about to slap Sheen on the back of the head.

===''See Jimmy Run''===
:'''Miss Fowl''': ''[after Jimmy invisibly steals her sandwich]'' Well I….Who took my sandwich? ''[spots a squirrel]'' So that's your game, is it? well, Mr. I'm-Too-Good-For-Acorns, how'd you like a nice detention?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[laughs manically]'' Invisible Boy strikes! This may be my greatest invention ever! Think what I can do! Think what I shouldn't do, but will do. Think… ''[realizes he can't stop running]'' wait a minute. Something's wrong. I can't stop! Oh, no! Mom was right! The combustion cycle is accelerating out of control! Can't… get my shoes… off! Must… ''[grunts as he tries to take his shoes off]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Can't just keep running around and around forever. Wait a minute, &quot;running around!&quot; That's it! If I could spin around fast enough, my mass will become less dense, and in theory, I could slip right out of my shoes. Or…I could end up a gelatinous mess splattered all over the ground. ''[gulps]'' I really hope it's the first one.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy''': ''[burying her face in her hands in embarrassment]'' I have never been so embarrassed in all my life, and in front of Nick.
:'''Libby''': Cheer up, girl. With your grades, you can transfer to any school in town.
:'''Cindy''': I just know Neutron's behind this. When I see him…
:'''Sheen''': We just saw a ghost!
:'''Carl''': Yeah! And it has Jimmy!
:'''Cindy''': Good, it can keep him.
:'''Sheen''': Boy, you ''really'' have some anger issues don't you?
:''[Jimmy's screams are heard and he lands on the ground with a splat as a glowing purple goo blob]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[coughs]'' Hi, guys. I'm back. And by the way, that wasn't a ghost. It was me! But once again, I've solved everything.
:'''Cindy, Libby, Sheen, &amp; Carl''': ''[disgusted]'' Ew…!
:'''Cindy''': I thought Nerdtron was hard to look at before but ''this'' is disgusting!
:'''Sheen''': Yeah, Jimmy, you're totally gross… yet somehow cool. But completely nasty! Yet strangely awesome.
:'''Jimmy''': What are you guys talking about? ''[looks down at himself, seeing his molecules haven't re-assimilated yet]'' Oh, my molecules haven't re-assimilated.
:'''Carl''': Hey, look… ''[pokes him as he chuckles]'' He's fun to poke.
:'''Jimmy''': Stop it, Carl!

===''Trading Faces''===
:''[Lindbergh Elementary School; Jimmy and Cindy are walking down the hallway]''
:'''Jimmy/Cindy''': My ankles are freezing. Why don't girls just buy pants that cover their legs?
:'''Cindy/Jimmy''': Stop dragging my feet, those are new shoes! Look, if we just act like each other, nobody will ever know.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy/Jimmy''': Oh. So it's war, is it? Fine! ''[as Jimmy]'' Look at me, everybody! I, Jimmy Neutron, am a blue-faced, cross-eyed nosepicker!
:'''Jimmy/Cindy''': ''[as Cindy]'' Do you think I spent enough hours on my hair this morning? Hey, everybody, look at my ankles! When'll I ever get a pair of pants the right length? ''[laughs]'' Who knows?
:'''Jimmy/Cindy''': Oh, yeah? Listen to this.
:'''Cindy/Jimmy''': Don't you dare.
:'''Jimmy/Cindy''': ''[makes an armpit flatulence; as Cindy]'' How very lady-like of me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ms. Fowl''': ''[enters the classroom with pop quiz papers]'' Quiet, children. Pop quiz!
:''[The class groans in frustration]''
:'''Cindy/Jimmy''': I hope you enjoyed your straight A's, Neutron, 'cause they're a thing of the past. ''[begins quiz]'' &quot;The ant is a member of the vegetable family.&quot;
:'''Jimmy/Cindy''': ''[working on quiz]'' &quot;Name the planets: Farkle… Gub-Gub…&quot;
:''[Later after class…]''
:'''Ms. Fowl''': I would like an explanation for these two disgraceful papers.
:'''Cindy/Jimmy''': ''[as Jimmy]'' There is a simple explanation, Ms. Fowl. I, Jimmy Neutron, am a complete gabble headed dipstick!
:'''Jimmy/Cindy''': But not as big a dipstick as you are, Ms. Fowl! And if I don't get a month's worth of detention for that, you are even dumber than you look!
:'''Cindy/Jimmy''': How many detentions is ''this'' worth, &quot;Ms. Fowl-breath?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Libby''': Jimmy? Cindy? Are you finally back in your own bods again?
:'''Cindy/Jimmy''': No! 'Cause it's all Neutron's fault!
:'''Jimmy/Cindy''': My fault? What are you talking about?
:'''Cindy/Jimmy''': If it weren't for Folfax, Wheezer, and Estevez, none of this would have happened, and our pants and ankles are stil different!
:'''Jimmy/Cindy''': Well, it's also all your fault we're still each other in this jam!

===''The Phantom of Retroland''===
:'''Jimmy''': And so, in 1851, physicist Jean Foucault hung a pendulum from a 200 foot wire--much as I've done here--and ''proved'' the Earth revolves.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Every thinking person knows the Phantom's just a fable.
:'''Cindy''': Oh, obsess, why don't ya? You're only putting down Nick because despite all your logic you're just as scared of the Phantom as everyone else.
:'''Nick''': No kid who goes to Retroland after midnight has ever been seen again.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Carl''': &quot;Dear, Jimmy. I can't come with you tonight, as I have decided to join the French Foreign Legion. This is a decision I do not make likely, as I ha…&quot; ''[notices Jimmy looking at him as he opens the front door]'' H-Hi, Jimmy. I thought you said 11:30.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, you'd have surely been on a plane to Algeria by then, Carl.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Carl''': Sheen, the Phantom of Retroland is gonna tear us limb from limb and eat us! Say something!
:'''Sheen''': You ever notice how Jimmy's hair is like one of those gum massager things? It's all swirly and… What?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Glad you could make it, Sheen. How did you sneak out?
:'''Sheen''': Oh, I just told my grandma that I had to go to a deserted theme park to be eaten by a maniac. She told me to wear clean underwear.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sheen''': I wonder what order he'll eat us in.
:'''Jimmy''': He's kidding, Carl. No one's going to eat us. ''[checks the time on his wrist watch]'' Three, two one, midnight! Hah! We did it! We took a hypothesis, constructed a scientific protocol, and conclusively proved it false. Take that, Nick and all your ilk!
:'''Carl''': You know what I smell, Jimmy?
:'''Jimmy''': Victorious truth rising above the ashes of superstition?
:'''Carl''': No. ''[turns around, pointing to something]'' Salami. ''[Camera zooms out to reveal the Phantom standing in front the boys; screams]''
:'''Jimmy''': Stand your ground! It's obviously a trick.
:'''Sheen''': Could you sign this, &quot;To Sheen. With admiration and affection,&quot; please?
:''[Goddard barks at the Phantom while defending the boys, only for the Phantom to growl at him again]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[as the Phantom chases them to pendulum ride]'' He's not real! He's a mythical construct!
:'''Carl''': Hey, better safe than swallowed, Jimmy. Oh, he'll just climb in.
:'''Jimmy''': Not if we're moving.

===''My Son, the Hamster''===
:'''Sheen''': Jimmy! You're like a hamster! Or a gerbil! Or a dolphin or something!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Judy''': ''[to Hugh]'' Why don't you spend some quality time with Jimmy? It could be a special Father-Son day.
:'''Hugh''': That's a great idea! I used to have those with my Aunty all the time! Only we called them Aunty-Nephew days, but it's probably the same basic, uh, idea. We could go to the park, we could, uh… eat cheese! We could even go to Retroland! I love those zig-zaggy lines! They're so … not … straight.
:'''Judy''': ''[sighs]'' Oh, Hugh.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Brain blast! Carl, hand me that hamster trail. Sheen, get my magnifying ray. I'm gonna lure Mr. Wuggles back to the lab with the one thing no hamster can resist.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Judy''': Hugh, that was ''not'' our son! That thing had fur, and big teeth, and whiskers!
:'''Hugh''': I've been calling him, &quot;furry Jimmy.&quot;

===''Hall Monster''===
:'''Cindy''': ''[to Jimmy]'' Okay, Neutron, you're outta control! I'm making a citizen's arrest!
:'''Sheen''': I want a public defender!
:'''Libby''': I... I want my music!
:'''Carl''': ''[cries]'' I want my mommy! ''[whimpers and then smiles]'' And some fudge!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Carl]'' You've exceeded the number of llama stickers on your lunchbox!
:'''Carl''': ''[nervously]'' I know...but I... I have a special permit.

===''Hypno Birthday to You''===
:'''Sheen:''' ''[rolls dice]'' 7! ''[chuckles]'' Your llama is sucked into a volcanic sinkhole, where flesh-eating bats will nip at his screaming face. ''[eats popcorn]''
:'''Carl:''' Sheen, there aren't any volcanic sinkholes in Llama's Day Out!
:'''Sheen:''' Maybe ''that'' explains why I'm not having fun. ''[eats popcorn]''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[Enters]'' Hi, Carl. I ran out of chemicals mid-experiment and I ''know'' you got a chemistry set for your birthday?
:'''Sheen:''' ''[rolls dice]'' 11!
:'''Carl:''' Hey, you can use my chemistry set, Jim. ''[He gets his Mama's Boy chemestry set down from a shelf.]'' Oh, the potato's not included.
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh, that's okay. I assume it comes with a few cc's of ethyl mercaptin?
:'''Carl:''' Uh... no.
:'''Jimmy:''' Well, I can work around that. How about some, uh... dimercural sulfonative?
:'''Carl:''' Uh... yeah...? No.
:'''Jimmy:''' Tritium nitrate?
:'''Carl:''' I've got salt.
:'''Jimmy:''' Oh, Pukin' Pluto! How's a guy supposed to make a four-dimensional Hypercube molecule without access to the complete spectrum of inorganic chemicals?!
:'''Sheen:''' Welcome to ''my'' nightmare. ''[eats popcorn]''
:''[Jimmy rolls his eyes.]''
:'''Carl:''' ''[Walks over carrying a leaflet]'' Here you go, Jimmy. Check out this leaflet from inside the box.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[reading leaflet]'' &quot;Also try our Ultra-Deluxe model. Contains every element from aluminum to zirconium.&quot; Now, ''that's'' what I'm talkin' about! ''[suddenly blue, sighs]'' Aw, who am I kidding? I don't have any money, and my birthday's three months away.
:'''Sheen:''' ''[eats popcorn]'' Ah, quit procrastinating, Carl, for I'm not -- forget it! I'm rolling for you right now! ''[rolls one die and piece of popcorn]'' 1! ''[chuckles]'' And Carl's llama falls down. Down into the sulfurous mud pit! How the snake god will be pleased!
:'''Carl:''' Hey, how could you roll the one if there are two dice?
:'''Sheen:''' Huh? Oh. Yeah... ''[Picks up the die and popcorn; suddenly grabs throat and chokes.]'' Someone get me the jaws of life!

===''Krunch Time''===
:'''Jimmy Android''': Morning, Mom. Be down in a minute. I love you. You're the best mom in the world.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Judy''': James Neutron, go to bed right now, and I mean ''you!'' Not the Jimmy Android that says nice things.
:'''Jimmy''': Boy, moms are smart. Good night, Goddard.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': No more candy, no more problems. What are they gonna go? Riot?
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting angrily]'' Down with Jimmy! Down with Jimmy! Down with Jimmy! Down with Jimmy…
:'''Hugh''': I can't believe I'm saying that about my own son but, that candy is just too darn good.
:'''Judy''': ''[holding up a sign that says '''&quot;We want candy now!&quot;''']'' Don't talk! Chant!
:'''Hugh''': Down with Jimmy! Down with Jimmy!
:'''Jimmy''': People, listen to me! It's only candy!
:'''Cindy''': I say we hold him down and force him to make us more candy!
:'''Hugh''': Good idea, go for his tiny legs! CHARGE!
:''[The angry mob starts charging closer to Jimmy]''
:'''Everyone''': ATTACK!
:'''Jimmy''': Goddard, chopper mode!
:'''Judy''': Oh, no you don't, mister! Grab him! Get him, right now! Pull him down!
:'''Jimmy''': Goddard, plot a course for the most deserted place in town!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Sam''': ''[as Jimmy is hiding out in the Candy Bar to avoid the mob of people]'' Well, look who's here. Mr. &quot;I'm-going-to-invent-the-best-candy-in-the-world-and-put-the-Candy-Bar-out-of-business&quot;.
:'''Jimmy''': I'm sorry, Sam. I didn't mean to. I didn't know my candy would be that popular.
:'''Sam''': That's what the guy who invented underpants said! Anyways, you better skedaddle. That angry mob's gonna be here any moment.
:'''Jimmy''': How do you know that?
:'''Sam''': I called them. What do you expect? I've gone broke here! ''[the angry crowd chants &quot;Candy! Candy!&quot; from outside the Candy Bar]'' Uh-oh. Rhythmic chanting. That's a bad sign, yeah.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, what am i gonna do? Think, think, think.

===''Substitute Creature''===
:'''Libby''': What's that supposed to be?
:'''Sheen''': The rare Punching Plant of Melbore 9, as seen in UltraLord epsiode 64, &quot;Attack of the Salad Fixin's&quot;!
:'''Libby''': Looks like a boxing glove glued to a fern, if you ask me.
:'''Sheen''': Well, nobody asked you! Anyway, what have you come up with that's so wonderful?
:'''Libby''': I researched plants' responses to musical stimuli. This one got two hours of classic R&amp;B a day while this one got two hours of Yodelling to the Oldies.
:'''Sheen''' ''[pointing to the one that got two hours of &quot;Yodelling to the Oldies&quot;]'': That one looks dead.
:'''Libby''' ''[shakes her head sadly]'': It never had a chance.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Judy''': Drop the toaster and run for it!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Miss Fowl''': Is that you, Ernest Abercrombie?! Where is your homework?! It's 28 years overdue!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy''': If you think you're gonna be the hero here, Neutron, you are sadly mistaken. These seed pods  from your plant prove that ''you'' are responsible for this whole thing.
:'''Carl''': Ah, finally, dinnertime! ''[takes the seed pods out of her hand and eats them]''
:'''Cindy''': NO!
:'''Carl''': Mmm, oh, these are, mmm… ''[grows giant with green skin]''
:'''Sheen''': Whoa… Carl's ''huge!''
:'''Carl''': Hey… Hey, this is kind of cool! ''[laughs]'' I can see my house from here.
:'''Jimmy''': I can fix him! I just need to get another toaster!
:'''Cindy''': Uh-huh.
:'''Jimmy''': And you guys need to… uh, get that DNA Ray out of Ms. Fowl's stomach. Good luck, see ya, bye!
:'''Libby''': We have to what?
:'''Sheen''': You heard him. We have to make our teacher toss the lunch monkey. We need a bucket, an umbrella and whatever they were serving for lunch in the caferteria on Thursday! Goddard, hit it!
:''[Goddard plays town-saving music]''

===''Safety First''===
:'''Sheen''': Hey, Jimmy, I've been meaning to ask you something.
:'''Jimmy''': I know, I know. Why am I carrying two lunches? Because of that bully Terry Finster! This way, after he steals mine, I still have something to eat!
:'''Sheen''': Actually, I was going to ask you who would win in a fight between Big Foot and a Komodo Dragon, but your question's good too.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hugh''': ''[to Jimmy]'' Just got a phone call from Terry's mom! Did you two have a little spat-a-roo?
:'''Judy''': Hugh, the talk?
:'''Hugh''': ''[clears throat]'' Once upon on time, a boy sparrow said to a girl sparrow, &quot;Hey, nice feathers! Can I buy you some millet?&quot; Well, the girl sparrow…
:'''Jimmy''': You know what, dad? I would really love to hear the rest, but I'm having a small emergency, bye!
:'''Hugh''': And when he got to her nest, he was alarmed to find out that her mother was a cantankerous old crow!
:'''Judy''': Hugh!

===''Crime Sheen Investigation''===
:'''Sheen''': You've gotta help me, Jimmy! If you don't, I'll have to ask complete idiots to help me and you know how unreliable they are!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sheen''': Don't feel bad, Jimmy. You tried your best. It just wasn't anywhere near good enough.

===''Journey to the Center of Carl''===
:'''Jimmy''': I know I've said this a few times before, but this is my greatest invention ever! The Neutronic Sick Patch! Guaranteed to get you out of school for the day!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Vortex residence; Cindy goes under acupuncture in her bathing suit covered in needles]''
:'''Mrs. Vortex''': Relax Cindy, only 678 more needles to go. 
:''[Wheezer residence; Mr. Wheezer has put Carl in a plastic bubble]''
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': ''[laughing]'' This is the same plastic bubble my father put me in for 14 happy years! Hey, there, Bubble Boy!
:'''Mrs. Folfax''': ''[holding a jar in the center of Libby's forehead with a wasp inside]'' Relax baby, it's only a little wasp. Your great-great-great grandmother used wasps to cure everything!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hugh''': ''[playing the ukulele]'' ♪ You're my Honolulu Lulu! Lulu! Like a little cockatoo in a tutu! ♪

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[The students call Jimmy after the Sick Patches dissolved into their skins]''
:'''Cindy''': ''[in her swimsuit at her room]'' Your sick patch dissolved into my skin, Nerdtron!
:'''Sheen''': Jimmy, my patch pulled a Houdini! Doesn't it rock?!
:'''Libby''': Cure me or ''face'' the consequences!
:'''Carl''': I DON'T WANT TO BE A BUBBLE BOY!
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, okay, settle down! I can fix it! Carl, Sheen, sneak out and meet me in the you-know-what.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': We've reached our destination… ''[sniffs]'' the stomach.
:'''Sheen:''' ''[seeing toys in the stomach acid]'' Man. ''[sniffs]'' Carl eats a lot of junk, doesn't he? Hey, Carl! You're supposed to ''play'' with the toys in The Silly Meals, not ''eat'' 'em!
:'''Carl''': I know, but they always look so colorful and chewy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[As Jimmy cures everyone with vaccines, they all return to school]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[back in school]'' I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm finally glad to be going back to normal enough for school.
:'''Libby''': ''[also back in school with her wasp sting in the middle of her forehead]'' Yeah! I'm never getting sick again! Plus, one little sting from that wasp really hurt!
:'''Cindy''': ''[also back in school as well, but still in her swimsuit]'' &quot;One little sting&quot;? Try &quot;678 needles&quot;, Folfax, ''and then talk to me about pain''!
:'''Libby''': Wait a minute, Vortex. Why are you still in your bathing suit?
:'''Cindy''': Oh. No reason.
:'''Nick Dean''': ''[rocking back and forth, muttering helplessly]'' No more leeches, Mama, no more leeches, Mama, no more leeches, Mama.
:'''Ms. Fowl''': It's so good to have you all back! Now I'd like you to meet a new student! Please give a nice warm friendly welcome to Yentl Marmelstein!
:'''Yentl''': Hi, I-sniff-gee-yuck-choo, oh sorry, I have a cold.
:'''Everyone''': '''NOOOOOO'''!!!!!
:'''Libby''': Keep her away from us!
:'''Sheen''': Unclean! Unclean!
:'''Carl''': SANCTUARY! SANCTUARY! 
:'''Everyone''': RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!
:(Everyone scrambles out of the classroom)
:'''Ms. Fowl''': I think they LIKE you!

===''Aaughh!! Wilderness!!''===
:'''Hugh''': What is this? Insect repellent? A compass? Toilet paper? These frilly luxuries will just weigh us down.
:'''Judy''': Hugh, are you ''sure'' you know what you're doing?
:'''Hugh''': Don't forget I was an Acorn Lad! I remember everything I ever learned like the song we used to sing! ''[singing]'' We are the Acorn Lads, something, something, the Acorn Lads.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hugh''': Oh, it's no use! We're done for, and it's all my fault! The truth is, I'm a rotten camper! There, I said it. The other Acorn Lads used to dunk my head in the bug juice. I can't even make a stupid fire.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, don't worry, Dad. We'll find a way out of this. I don't care if you're a mediocre camper, I still think you're a great dad.
:'''Hugh''': Thanks, son, I…I needed to hear that.
:'''Sheen''': So you couldn't even make a fire.

===''Party at Neutron's''===
:'''Hugh''': Whoo-hoo! I can't believe it, Sugar-Booger! We're finally gonna get to see ''Ducks'', the greatest musical ever made!
:''[Sings]''
:When you're a duck,
:You're a duck all the way,
:From the first time you quack
:To the last egg you lay!
:''[Jimmy uses his Time Accelerator on him, speeding him up.]''
:When you're a duck
:You will live in a blind.
:With a little or long orange,
:It's a fresh melon rind!
:Du-u-u-u-u-u-ucks!
:The Musical.
:''[Jimmy winks at the camera.]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hugh''': Let's get a move on, puddin'. Don't wanna miss the overture! ''[Sings, to the tune of Beethoven's 5th Symphony]'' Da-da-da-duuuuuck! Da-da-da-duuuuuck! ''[Continues singing]''
:'''Judy''': Oh, Hugh. ''[To Jimmy]'' We'll be home around 11:30.
:'''Hugh''': Eh, Jimbo, you want us to... wake ya up when we get home and reenact the show?
:'''Jimmy''': Uh...no thanks.
:''[Hugh exits.]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Suddenly, a scientist's lot ''might'' be a boring and lonely one,  Goddard. ''[the doorbell rings]'' Saved by the bell. Here they come! ''[leaves his room to get the door; Carl and Sheen are there]''
:'''Sheen''': Hey, Jimmy, good news! I got the first season of ''Teenage Ultra Lord'' on DVD, with 162 awesome hours of bonus features and deleted scenes!
:'''Carl''': Yeah. In one exciting episode, the actors flub their lines with hilarious results.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, sorry, guys, I can't. My parents are out and I can't have anybody over.
:'''Sheen''': Your parents are gone? You're home alone? They won't be back till Ultra Lord knows when? Let's get ready to boogie!
:'''Jimmy''': No, Sheen, seriously. I signed a legal document.
:'''Sheen''': But think of the fun, the laughs, the excitement, the joy, the memories.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy''': ''[holding Jimmy's shrink ray at Carl]'' Hey, Wheezer. What happens if I point this at you and press the button?
:'''Carl''': Don't, don't. You'll make me real… ''[Cindy shrinks him; in high-pitched voice]'' small!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Tiny Carl''': ''[running around Amber, Courtney, and Tristan dancing like [[w:Peanuts|Peanuts]] characters]'' Don't step on me!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[answering the phone as it rings]'' Jimmy Neutron, party monster.
:'''Hugh''': Jimbo?
:'''Jimmy''': ''[alarmed]'' Dad?!
:''[Cut to his parents driving back home with Judy driving with annoyance and Hugh wearing a big duck head]''
:'''Hugh''': Bad news. One of the actors in Ducks broke his wing, so I jumped on stage to fill in and, well, I kind of, sort of, I, uh, accidentally--
:'''Judy''': ''[annoyed]'' He destroyed the entire set.
:'''Hugh''': It could've happened to anybody. Anyways, we'll be home in about 5 minutes. See you soon, son! ''[tosses the phone out of the car and into the street]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[worried with horror]'' 5 minutes?! NO!

===''Ultra Sheen''===
:'''Carl''': Oh my favorite video game?&quot; Oh no no it's too much pressure. &quot;Ninja llamas in space?&quot; Eh no. &quot;Llama vs. Mega Dingo?&quot; Eh… ''[gasps]'' Of coarse! &quot;Llama palooza!&quot; ''[sighs]'' Oh I love you most of all. ''[kisses the video game.]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sheen''': ULTRALORD! '''NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!'''
:'''Carl''': Oh, yeah! I'm bad! '''I DEFEATED ULTRALOOOOOORRRRD!!!!!!!!!!!!!''' ''[Sadly]'' And yet, I feel empty inside. Maybe it's because this game doesn't have any llamas?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ultralord''': AAARRGH! That's gonna leave an ULTRA BRUISE!

===''Broadcast Blues''===
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Jimmy, I'd like you to meet the new producer of ''Science with Jimmy''!
:''[Cindy enters the room.]''
:'''Jimmy''': '''''NO!!!!!'''''
:'''Principal Willoughby''': And... ''[Libby enters the room as well.]'' Your new co-host!
:'''Jimmy''': '''''NO!!!!!'''''
:'''Libby''': Jimmy, calm down. We know that you want the show to educate people. We deeply and genuinely respect that.
:'''Jimmy''': '''''NO!!!!!'''''

===''Professor Calamitous, I Presume''===

===''The Eggpire Strikes Back''===
:'''Ms. Fowl''': Good report, Libby, but next time leave off the headphones. I've been asking you to wrap it up for the last 20 minutes.
:'''Libby''': ''[not understanding]'' What?!
:'''Ms. Fowl''': I said, next time you can…
:'''Libby''': ''[still not understanding]'' Pardon?
:'''Ms. Fowl''': I said sit down! ''[gets up from her desk with graded chemistry test papers as Libby sits back at her desk]'' Now, class, time to hand back last week's chemistry test. ''[hands Cindy her graded test]'' Congratulations, Cindy. You got the best grade in the whole class.
:'''Cindy''': A+. Pack it in, Neutron. Your best years are behind you. I got an A+ to your lowly…
:'''Jimmy''': Read it and weep, Vortex. ''[holds up his graded test to her]''
:'''Cindy''': &quot;A++?!&quot; Ms. Fowl, I thought you said ''I'' got the best grade in class.
:'''Ms. Fowl''': I meant, except for Jimmy. Do I really need to say that every time?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sheen''': You know, this wouldn't happen if you people just wear your Ultra Lord Utility Belt!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Carl, are you okay? Speak to me!
:'''Carl''': Flying metal chicken.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, no. He's delusional!
:'''Sheen''': Actually, Jimmy, I gotta go with Carl on this one. ''[points to a giant Yolkian chicken ship in the sky]''
:'''Jimmy''': The Yolkians.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Attention, Retroville, this is the Neutron early alert system! This is an emergency! We're being invaded by Yolkians! All citizens report to the park immediately to defend the town!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Stop them before they're nice again!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Mom, Dad, you can't honestly believe the Yolkians aren't evil anymore just 'cause they brought us presents.
:'''Judy''': But such ''lovely'' presents, dear. Hugh, look at my new diamond earrings again.
:'''Hugh''': Still beautiful. You see, Jim-Jim, evil spaceniks are people just like you and me, and like people, they deserve a second chance, especially the ones with huge bags of gifts.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, the sooner they go back to Yolkus, the better, if you ask me.
:'''King Goobot''': ''[flushes the toilet as he exits the bathroom]'' Hello, Neutrons. How are my three humanoid life forms doing?
:'''Jimmy''': Mom! What's '''''he''''' doing here?!
:'''Judy''': Didn't you tell him, Hugh?
:'''Hugh''': ''[realizes]'' Nope. Must've slipped my mind. Jimbo, say hello to our new houseguest—- King Goobot!
:'''Jimmy''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait! Time out, here! We're letting an evil alien ''live'' in our house?!
:'''Hugh''': Now, Jimbo, don't be rude. The Yokians are friendly now. They've even offered to fill in for all of us at our humdrum jobs for as long as we want.
:'''Jimmy''': Mom, say something!
:'''Judy''': How do you like your steak cooked, Mr. Goobot?
:'''King Goobot''': Cooked?! Oh, uh, I mean, however you like it, my good woman.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ms. Fowl''': Good morning, children. Starting today, I'm taking an indefinite holiday. So say hello to your substitute teacher: Ooblar!
:'''Jimmy''': What?!
:'''Ooblar''': Thank you, old one.
:'''Ms. Fowl''': Thank you for the motorcycle. Ciao! ''[dashes away]''
:'''Ooblar''': Well, won't this be fun? I just know we're going to have a wonderful time getting to know each other.
:'''Carl''': Um, Mr. Ooblar, may I go to the bathroom?
:'''Ooblar''': WHY?! So you can plot a rebellion by passing notes through the sewers and rally the town to battle?! ''[all the students look at him]'' Uh… forget I said that. ''[laughs]'' I meant, of course you may.
:'''Carl''': Actually, I kind of don't have to go anymore.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, what's the point of having a state-of-the-art laboratory if it won't help you prove Yolkians are evil?
:''[Goddard plays a recording of King Goobot's voice]''
:'''King Goobot''': ''[recorded]'' Good people of Earth, there's no cause of alarm. We come in peace.
:'''Jimmy''': Hey, good idea, Goddard. If we scan Goobot's words through your lie-detector, we can see if he's telling the truth. Hit it, boy! ''[Goddard scans Goobot's words on his lie-detector drive and the screen displays '''&quot;False&quot;''']'' Oh, no! They're just as evil as ever! Only this time they've come down to get us. Come on, we've gotta warn the others! ''[exits his clubhouse and runs to the back door, finding a note]'' What's this? Let's see. '''&quot;Dear Jimmy, we went to the park to see the giant egg. Love, Mom and Dad.&quot;''' Giant egg? ''[gasps in horror]'' POULTRA!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;	
:'''Carl''': JIMMY PLUCKS A HAIR AND HOLDS IT UP TO THE DNA SCANNER NEXT TO THE CLUBHOUSE DOOR!! ''[inhales]'' '''HIS COMPUTER'S NAME IS VOX!!!''' ''[scarfs down the sundae]''
:'''Sheen''': I am ''deeply'' ashamed of you, Carl. And quit eating all the nuts!
:'''Cindy''': Thanks, boys. Let's do this again sometime.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Judy''': I'm worried about Jimmy, Hugh. He's alienated everyone in town with all this talk of evil Yolkians.
:'''Hugh''': D'oh, you know boys. It's probably just a phase, like…collecting bugs or eating soup with your hands. I hear Jimbo's over this whole &quot;evil&quot; Yolkian thing by now.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[runs into the kitchen]'' Mom, Dad, the Yolkians are planning on feeding the ''entire'' town to Poultra at today's picnic!
:'''Hugh''': ''[spits out his drink]'' I stand corrected.
:'''Judy''': What are you talking about Jimmy?
:'''Jimmy''': They're transporting Poultra's water dish down from deep space. That means Poultra's not far behind! Whatever you do, ''don't'' go to the picnic today.
:'''Hugh''': We're still going, right?
:'''Judy''': Wouldn't miss it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Libby''': Okay, that concludes the boring and annoying portion of the program. Our next act…
:'''Cindy''': ''[runs up on the stage and takes microphone out of Libby's hand]'' Wait! I think Jimmy's telling the truth!
:'''Jimmy and Libby''': You do?
:'''Cindy''': Yes! While I have no idea how the Yolkians could possibly have gotten into Jimmy's lab… Well, the point is, we owe Jimmy! Who saved us when hostile pants were on the loose in the streets? Who repelled the giant flaming meteor headed straight for town? Who risked his life to shrink Ms. Fowl down to size when she was 50 feet tall? Okay, I know. All of those things were Neutron's fault in the first place, but he ''still'' risked his life to save us! The least we owe him is our trust!
:'''Sam''': You know, the annoying blonde girl has a point.
:'''Man''': Eh, she usually hates Jimmy.
:'''Ms. Fowl''': Well, Jimmy ''did'' save me from being a giant freak woman.
:'''Libby''': Give it up for Jimmy! ''[the crowd cheers for him]'' We believe in you, Jimmy!
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Now, wait just a minute. I'm not believing a word Jimmy says until I have some decent credible evidence. ''[Poultra roars in distance]'' Works for me.
:''[The townspeople start to run but a Yolkian pushes a button, closing the gates, trapping them]''
:'''Miss Fowl''': Sweet muffins, we're trapped!
:''[Poultra's water dish is released from under the stage]''
:'''Hugh''': ''[as the Yolkians release Poultra's water dish]'' Hey, look! Jimmy's wrong again. The nice Yolkians built us a swimming pool.
:'''Judy''': Hugh, that's Poultra's water dish!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy''': Neutron, if there were ever a time to put that big, freak brain to work, it's now!
:'''Libby''': We're counting on you!
:'''Jimmy''': OK! OK! Think, think, think… ''[tries to, but it was too late]'' '''''I CAN'T DO IT!!!!!''''' ''[crying]'' CINDY, YOU GOTTA HELP ME! I'M SORRY I WAS LEADER! I'LL NEVER GET US OUTTA HERE! ''[screams loudly]'' '''''HELP!!!!!'''''
:'''Cindy''': ''[slaps Jimmy in the face]'' Get a grip, Neutron! We still have time to focus somehow… I think. First things first! Estevez, you come with me! We gotta distract Poultra together! Folfax, Wheezer, and Neutron! Keep that monster busy!

===''Maximum Hugh''===
:'''Jimmy''': If Dad competes, we lose for sure. Goddard, options. '''&quot;Accept your father's limitations.&quot;''' Nah, too mature. '''&quot;Pretend you're sick.&quot;''' I'm no quitter. '''&quot;Cheat.&quot;''' Hmm…cheating would be dishonest, but I'm far to blinded by my desire to destroy Cindy to care. To the lab!
:''[Goddard's screen displays '''&quot;Here we go again.&quot;''']''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': We won! And not a single injury! ''[drops the trophy]''
:'''Carl''': Oh, my foot!
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Oh, my back!
:'''Carl &amp; Mr. Wheezer''': ''[crash into each other]'' Ow! My head!
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Oh, I think I got a bone spur.
:'''Carl''': Ooh! Leg cramp!
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': My kidneys are on FIRE! ''[faints]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hugh''': Now, remember, son - there's no &quot;I&quot; in &quot;team,&quot; you know what I mean?
:'''Jimmy''': You mean we should sublimate our differences for the good of our combined effort?
:'''Hugh''': What? No, no, I mean there's no letter &quot;i&quot; in the word &quot;team.&quot; There's never a wrong time for a spelling lesson, son!

===''Sleepless in Retroville''===
:'''Hugh''': I remember my first sleepover. The games, the practical jokes, the crying for my mommy.
:'''Judy''': Hugh, that was our honeymoon.
:'''Hugh''': Yeah, I know.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Gentlemen, welcome to what I expect to be the greatest sleepover in history.
:'''Sheen''': Yeah! I baked galactic marshmallow balls from the Ultra Lord recipe book.
:'''Carl''': And I brought a video of &quot;Larry the Lovesick Llama&quot;!
:'''Jimmy''': You know, I have something you guys'll enjoy even more. Behold the Slumbertron 9000, designed to throw the ultimate sleepover party. It provides the world's greatest made-to-order pizza, tells super scary stories, and supplies the perfect pillows for ultimate pillow fights!
:'''Sheen''': Turn it on! Turn it on! Pizza, pillows, scary stories!
:'''Jimmy''': Hey, hey, hey. Easy, Sheen. One thing at a time. This is the Slumbertron's maiden voyage. I suggest we begin with…the pillow fight.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': I'm hungry. How about some pizza?
:'''Carl''': You read my stomach.
:'''Sheen''': I want pepperoni and garlic and onions and anchovies…
:'''Carl''': And peanut butter and clams and hot fudge. ''[Jimmy and Sheen look at him awkwardly over what he said]'' Don't knock it till you try it.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, okay, one ultimate pizza coming up.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': I believe the time has come for scary stories.
:'''Carl''': Well, okay, but, um…not too scary, Jimmy, 'cause remember what happened ''[whispers]'' the last time when I got too scared?
:'''Sheen''': Hey, did you bring your rubber sleeping bag?
:'''Carl''': Yes.
:'''Sheen''': Then what's the problem? Make it scream-your-head-off scary.
:'''Jimmy''': One scream-your-head-off scary story coming up.
:'''Carl''': ''[getting scared]'' It's just a story, it's just a story, it's just a story.
:'''Dr. Dark''': Good evening. I am Dr. Dark, teller of terrible tales.
:'''Sheen''': Hold up. Do mean terrible like lousy, or terrible like scary?
:'''Dr. Dark''': ''SCARY!''
:'''Sheen''': ''[frightened]'' Got it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': The Slumbertron must've combined the pizza and scary story programs to create…
:'''Carl''': A PIZZA MONSTER!
:'''Jimmy''': I can't delete the pizza! The screen's frozen!
:'''Pizza Monster''': Time for my dinner!
:''[The boys run away, screaming]''
:'''Carl''': HELP! WE'RE BEING CHASED BY A MONSTER!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Mission accomplished.
:'''Sheen''': If only it used its anchovies for good instead of evil.
:'''Carl''': I'm starving. Let's eat!
:'''Pizza Monster''': Fools! Haven't you ever heard of sequels?
:'''Jimmy''': ''[after a nightmare]'' Oh, it was only a nightmare. An anchovy, clam and peanut butter induced nightmare. ''[sees his parents running down the stairs until Hugh wakes up screaming]''
:'''Hugh''': Whew! That was a doozy.
:''[After Carl wakes up from a nightmare screaming from mutant pizza]''
:'''Carl''': Bad dream! Bad dream! ''[sees Sheen getting attacked by Pizza Monster]''
:'''Sheen''': ''[screams]'' Phew. I guess it was all just a dream. Hey Carl, I-- ''[But Carl is nowhere to be seen. He picks up Pizza Monster in two hands, making the Pizza Monster terrified.]''
:''[After the Pizza Monster wakes up from a nightmare screaming.]''
:'''Pizza Monster's Wife''': Honey, what is it?
:'''Pizza Monster''': Oh, I had the most horrible dream. There were 3 terrible children, a tubby one, a maniac one and one with a giant head!
:'''Pizza Monster's Wife''': I told you, dear. There's no such thing as children, now go back to sleep. 
:''[Both go back to sleep in their pizza box beds.]''

===''Make Room for Daddy-O''===
:'''Jimmy:''' I ''have'' to bring back the old Dad, and I've gotta do it fast!
:'''Sheen:''' I smell a Brain Blast!&lt;br&gt;
:'''Carl:''' Oh, is that what that is? ''[snorts]'' I thought it might be the cheese ball I've been carrying around since I was 3. ''[He shows a rotten cheese ball.]'' I call him Cheesy.
:''[Jimmy makes a face, then begins thinking.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' Think, think, think…!
:''[A memory of Hugh catching Jimmy is shown.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' Brain Blast!
:'''Sheen:''' Told ya. ''[Eats Carl's cheese ball]''

===''Beach Party Mummy''===
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, sorry, Carl. I couldn't bring your goldfish back to life.
:'''Carl''': ''[sniffles sadly]'' Goodbye, Swimmy. I'll miss you, boy.
:'''Sheen''': Why must the good die young?!
:'''Jimmy''': Now I thought re-stimulating his brain waves with my new Electro-Life device would bring him back. But I guess not.
:'''Sheen''': Jimmy, we might have a pop quiz today. Can I stimulate ''my'' brain?
:'''Jimmy''': No.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Miss Fowl''': Today, we will watch part one of Ken Burns' 97-hour documentary on the history of mummies.
:'''Cindy''': Yawn. I'd rather chew off my own foot.
:'''Libby''': ''[whispering]'' No, I wanna check this out. My family tree goes back to Egypt. Mummies are cool.
:'''Miss Fowl''': ''[inserts the tape in the VCR]'' Butch, would you get the lights?
:'''Butch''': Sure thing, teach. ''[pulls out a slingshot and shatters the lights off]''
:'''Miss Fowl''': ''[hand in face]'' Thank you.
:'''Jimmy''': I don't wanna see videos of mummies. I wanna see ''real'' mummies!
:'''Carl''': Oh, I don't. They might rise from the dead and attack us!
:''[Miss Fowl presses a button on the remote, turning on the TV; As the documentary starts, she and all her other students quickly start to fall asleep]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[looks at a colored drawing of Egypt]'' What am I doing sitting here? I'm a science genius. ''[turns around to his friends]'' Who's up for a quick trip to Egypt?
:'''Cindy''': What could be more boring than going with you to Egypt? ''[after for a second; makes up her mind]'' Let's roll.
:''[The kids tip-toe quietly out of the classroom and into the hallway]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[quietly]'' I'll go home and get my hover car and meet you guys in back of the school.
:'''Carl''': But, what if we get caught?
:'''Sheen''': We're not gonna get caught.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Guys, we can't leave school! It's ditching, and it'll go on our permanent record!
:'''Sheen''': Carl, how many times do I have to tell you? Your permanent record is just a myth. Like the Loch Ness Monster or North Dakota.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[arrives in his hover car]'' All aboard for Egypt!
:'''Libby''': Did you guys know I'm related to Cleopatra?
:'''Cindy''': No. Why don't you tell for the ten-millionth time?
:'''Sheen''': I'm related to the guy that invented baseball.
:'''Libby''': What?
:'''Carl''': Wow.
:'''Cindy''': Really?
:'''Sheen''': Oh, wait, did I say baseball? I meant spray-on-eyebrows.
:'''Jimmy''': Light speed to Egypt!
:'''Cindy''': This better not be like the time you took us to the center of the earth and all we found was a bunch of hot dirt.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, come on, guys. This is going to be a great adventure. We're going to find the lost tomb of Queen Hazabataslapya.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Jimmy…I've been saying, &quot;Toot Van Halen&quot; for 3 hours. Can I stop now?
:'''Cindy''': Way to go, Neutron. You haven't found anything. I'd rather be in school.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[disappointed]'' I don't understand it. I can't seem to find the lost tomb.
:'''Cindy''': Duh! That's why the call it the &quot;lost tomb,&quot; not the, here-it-is tomb: &quot;come inside and have a milkshake.&quot;
:'''Carl''': Oh, Swimmy loved milkshakes.
:'''Libby''': Let's go home. I need to apply some emergency skincare products.
:'''Cindy''': And so ends another chapter of the boring and stupid adventures of Jimmy Neutron.
:'''Jimmy''': But, guys, we're here in an exotic, distant, foreign land. We might as well have some fun.
:'''Cindy''': Fun? Yeah, right. Let's have a party in this beautiful spot.
:'''Jimmy''': Party?
:'''Sheen''': Uh, Jimmy? Where's the bathroom? All I see is sand, and I'm not a cat.
:'''Jimmy''': Sand? Yeah!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Let's have an Egyptian Beach Party!
:'''Sheen''': I'm in.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': All my life I wanted to go an authentic Egyptian Beach Party!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Libby''': Jimmy, what's happening?
:'''Jimmy''': The increased air friction has created a high-intensity displacement of the ground covering…
:'''Cindy''': Cut to the chase.
:'''Jimmy''': SANDSTORM!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': Okay Neutron, once again you blew it, big time… ''[Jimmy gasps in surprise at something with his jaw dropped]'' Hey, Jumblehead, I'm yelling at you. ''[snaps her fingers]'' Pay attention. What are you looking at?
:'''Jimmy''': ''[turns her head]'' The entrance to the lost tomb of the Queen Hazabataslapya.
:'''Sheen''': You think there's a bathroom in there?
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pushing the tomb's doors open]'' We shall now enter the lost tomb and see what has been unseen for 3,000 years.
:'''Cindy''': Shouldn't we like, call National Geographic or Harvard?
:'''Libby''': Or [[w: Harrison Ford|Harrison Ford]]?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Okay, are things gonna like, jump out at us and scare us?
:'''Sheen''': ''[jumps out from the side, scaring him]'' No, Carl. Everything here is dead.
:'''Carl''': Oh, that's good, 'cause… Dead things?! ''[points to a skeleton]'' Uh, I'm allergic to dead things!
:'''Jimmy''': Don't worry, Carl. Nothing's going to hurt you.
:''[The kids turn around and gasp at something shocking on the wall]''
:'''Cindy''': I don't believe it.
:'''Sheen''': It can't be.
:'''Jimmy''': But it ''is.''
:'''Carl''': IT'S…
:''[The wall shows a hieroglyphic image of Queen Hazabataslapya, who looks similar to Libby as Jimmy and Sheen turn to her before cutting to commercial break; cut back to the kids in the tomb]''
:'''Jimmy''': It's Queen Hazabataslapya!
:'''Sheen''': Smokin'. I'd be her king in Retroville minute.
:'''Cindy''': She looks just like… ''[points to Libby]''
:'''Carl''': Me?
:'''Libby''': No. Me.
:'''Sheen''': Wow, Libby. Maybe she's your great-great-great-great-great… ''[as time passes by]'' great-great-great grandmother!
:'''Libby''': I'm royalty.
:'''Cindy''': Oh, boy, here we go. Queen Libby is in the house.
:'''Libby''': Hey. Maybe this whole place belongs to me. I can turn it into a hot little dance club/restaurant/boutique/water park/…
:'''Carl''': Hey, Jimmy. ''[pointing to the hieroglyphics]'' Somebody wrote on the walls. ''[gasps]'' They're gonna get in trouble.
:'''Jimmy''': No, no, Carl. Those are hieroglyphics. The ancient Egyptian art of picture writing.
:'''Sheen''': Hey, I saw this in &quot;Ultra Lord vs. the Mutant Pus-Spitting Mummy.&quot; I can read this stuff.
:'''Cindy''': Yeah, right.
:'''Sheen''': &quot;The queen flew on the wings of an eagle. She had a VCR, but wanted a DVD, and the gods sent munchkins to hypnotize her water-skis. So she took her peanut butter sandwich for a walk.&quot; The end.
:'''Carl''': Wow, Sheen, that was amazing!
:'''Cindy and Libby''': Oh, boys.
:'''Jimmy''': Excuse me. My watch has a Sanskrit-to-English translator with a Rosetta stone upgrade. ''[scans the hieroglyphics on his watch]'' The queen was only 18 when she died.
:'''Sheen''': Why must the good die young?!
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;Whosoever disturbs my resting place, shall endure eternal punishment, and pain shall erupt from every poor, and their screams shall be heard down the centuries and-&quot;
:'''Cindy''': ''[interrupting]'' Get to the point, Doofus of Arabia.
:'''Jimmy''': It's just a silly curse. And there's no such thing as curses.
:'''Carl''': Oh, so they're like the Loch Ness Monster and North Dakota.
:'''Sheen''': Hey, guys-- I think I found the bathroom. It ''smells'' like a bathroom. I wish I had one of those deodorizer things you hang in the car from the rear-view mirror.
:'''Carl''': Lemon or strawberry?
:'''Sheen''': Thanks, Carl. Hey, why do you carry those around with you?
:'''Carl''': …'Cause.
:'''Jimmy''': Follow me.
:'''Carl''': Oh, I bet something really bad's gonna happen.
:'''Cindy''': With Nerdtron leading the way, it's a pretty safe bet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Principal Willoughby''': ''[realizing]'' Hold on. We don't have a school tanning salon.
:''[Cut to the kids in an empty chamber in the lost tomb]''
:'''Sheen''': I for one am deeply disappointed. It's just a big empty room.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, the pyramid designers sometimes build ''hundreds'' of empty chambers to confuse grave robbers. So they wander aimlessly for days until they…
:'''Cindy''': ''[interrupting]'' You got ten seconds to get outta here.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Spice jars! If we can gather up enough kaffir lime leaves and dry mustard powder, I can ignite them and blow the door open!
:'''Sheen''': Where do you learn all this stuff, Jimmy?
:'''Jimmy''': That I learned at the library.
:'''Sheen''': Ohh. And the library is a…?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': Okay, this field trip is over. How are you gonna get us out of here, Mr. Tour Guide?
:'''Jimmy''': ''[spooky]'' We don't want to get out of here.
:'''Sheen''': Okay, Jimmy's lost it. I elect myself leader. Everybody start crying and yelling.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[just before they do that]'' No, guys. Look. The queen's burial chamber. Get ready to see a ''real, live'' mummy.
:'''Sheen''': Hey, Jimmy. Was the queen gonna have a garage sale?
:'''Jimmy''': The Egyptians believed in an afterlife, so they preserve their bodies and buried them with their furniture, jewelry, pets…
:'''Sheen''': ''[laughing]'' Man. Those Egyptians were a bunch of whack jobs. But just in case they're right, I'd like to be buried with my Ultra Lord collection.
:'''Carl''': Well, guys, this was fun. ''[laughs nervously]'' Okay, let's all leave in a quite and orderly fashion before we see something ''really'' scary, like… ''[turns around to see…]'' MUMMIES! ''[runs and bumps into Jimmy, who drops the torch and the light goes out]''
:'''Jimmy''': Everybody, shh! Stand still, I'll find my torch. ''[accidentally touches Cindy]''
:'''Cindy''': Ow! That's ''not'' your torch.
:'''Jimmy''': Sorry.
:'''Carl''': Hey, Jimmy, I still got your Electro-Life thingy that makes a light. ''[activates the Electro-Life, lighting up the room, unaware by bringing the three mummies to life]''
:'''Jimmy''': Found it! ''[picks up the torch and lights it up]'' Now let's a take a look at those mummies.
:''[The mummies growl and start moving their bodies]''
:'''Carl''': ''[worriedly frightened]'' J-Jimmy, the mummies are looking at ''us.''
:'''Jimmy''': Impossible.
:'''Libby''': They're moving.
:'''Jimmy''': I did it! My Electro-Life works! I ''can'' bring the dead back to life!
:'''Sheen''': All right! You trampled all over the laws of nature! Way to go!
:'''Cindy''': Yeah, terrific. Now a bunch of dead guys wrapped in toilet paper are gonna kill us.
:'''Carl''': Um, guys, I suggest we… '''RUN!'''
:''[The kids start running as the mummies chase them]''
:'''Sheen''': Jimmy, next time you invite me anywhere, remind me to say no.
:'''Jimmy''': Let's hope there is a next time!
:'''Libby''': ''[to the mummies]'' Hey, guys, I'm related to your queen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': So, this is how it ends. Playing hide and get killed in a tomb in Egypt.
:'''Sheen''': Why must the good die young?!
:'''Carl''': They're coming this way. ''[whispering]'' Everybody stay quiet.
:'''Libby''': Uh, Jimmy, now would be a real time for one of your brain blasts.
:'''Jimmy''': Think, think… Brain blast! Libby, quick, I need you.
:'''Libby''': Why, Jimmy, this is so sudden!
:'''Cindy''': Hey, what's goin' on?
:'''Sheen''': It's the desert love curse. Working its evil ways on Jimmy's heart.
:'''Jimmy''': Libby, you look like the queen. If you pretend to be her, maybe the mummies will obey your command.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Libby''': ''[to the mummies]'' I command you to sleep for 5-
:'''Others''': 10!
:'''Libby''': 15 trillion more years! ''[the mummies snore as they fall asleep]'' Sleep tight, and don't let the scarab bugs bite.
:'''Jimmy''': Carl, give me the Electro-Life.
:'''Carl''': Why, Jimmy?
:'''Jimmy''': Some things should not see the light of day, for who am I, a mere mortal to alter the very laws of mortality.
:'''Cindy''': Good thing we're in a tomb 'cause you're boring us to death.
:''[Jimmy tosses the Electro-Life off aside]''
:'''Sheen''': Hey, guys! I finally found the bathroom! ''[Thump!]'' OW! Why must the good get hit on their heads again?!
:''[Outside the lost tomb, the gang are all in Jimmy's hover car, about to fly back home to Retroville]''
:'''Sheen''': Farewell, cruel desert!
:'''Carl''': Don't forget to write!
:'''Libby''': You know, I think I'm down with this new look. I'm gonna keep it.
:'''Cindy''': ''(sarcastically)'' So, do we have to address you as Queen Libby from now on?
:'''Libby''': ''[giggles]'' No. ''[jokingly]'' &quot;Your Mighty Fine Royal Marvelousness&quot; will do.
:'''Jimmy''': Light speed back to Retroville!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Miss Fowl, we're back!
:'''Others''': ''[annoyed]'' Carl!
:'''Miss Fowl''': ''[waking up along with Principal Willoughby]'' Where have you children been?! I want the truth.
:'''Principal Willoughby''': And I'll have none of this whole &quot;school tanning salon&quot; mumbo-jumbo!
:'''Sheen''': Uh, did I say we were going to the tanning salon? I meant, uh… the bathroom!
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Oh. Well, all right, then.
:'''Carl''': In Egypt. And Libby got to be a queen, and mummies chased us, and we discovered a lost tomb!

==External links==
* {{imdb title|ch0033574|The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius}}
* [http://www.nick.com/all_nick/tv_supersites/display_show.jhtml?show_id=jim Jimmy Neutron at Nick.com]
* [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Adventures_of_Jimmy_Neutron:_Boy_Genius]

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:'''Seasons:'''  [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1|1]] [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 2|2]] [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3|3]] | [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius|'''Main''']]
----

'''''[[w:The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius|The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius]]''''' is a show that ran on Nickelodeon from 2002–2006. The show follows the life of genius kid Jimmy Neutron and his friends and family. It is also based on the 2001 CGI film ''[[Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius (film)|Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius]]''.

===''When Pants Attack''===

:'''Judy''': James Issac Neutron! How many times have I told you to pick up your pants?!
:'''Jimmy''': Well, I know just the dog who can answer that, mom. ''[Snaps fingers, Goddard comes out]'' Goddard, access maternal reprehend data, cross reference: pants.
:''[Goddard begins replaying the times Judy asked Jimmy to pick up his pants.]''
:'''Judy''': ''[onscreen]'' Jimmy! Pick up your pants, please? -- Uh, Jimmy? Pick up your pants. -- Pick up your pants. -- Pants. -- Jimmy! -- Jimmy? -- Jimmy? -- Pick 'em up. -- Jimmy! -- Pick up… -- Pick up… -- Jimmy? -- …Your pants!
:''[Screen says &quot;54 times to date&quot;]''
:'''Judy''': I rest my case. Okay, no more Mrs-Nice-Mom.

&lt;hr width-50%&gt;
:''[Cindy presents her report with Jimmy unintentionally joining in.]''
:'''Cindy''': Origami: the ancient art of Japanese paper folding. I will be making the most difficult of all origami structures; a snow monkey.
:'''Jimmy''': Actually, paper folding originated in China --
:'''Cindy''': Riding a flying dragon --
:'''Jimmy''': In the second century A.D. --
:'''Cindy''': While drinking tea --
:'''Jimmy''': And was brought to Japan --
:'''Cindy''': On a ladder --
:'''Jimmy''': In the sixth century --
:'''Cindy''': IN DECEMBER!
:'''Ms. Fowl''': Cindy, I didn't know you and Jimmy were doing this report together.
:'''Cindy:''' We're ''not!''

===''Normal Boy''===
:'''Cindy''': Neutron, why don't you just go to college and leave us all alone.
:''[The students chatter in agreement as Principal Willoughby walks in the classroom]''
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Good news, everyone, Jimmy Neutron's state test scores were the highest in world history. ''[Jimmy cowers nervously as everyone glares at him as the bell for recess rings]'' Okay, time for recess. ''[shouts]'' No one go near Jimmy's head! ''[softly]'' That's precious cargo.
:'''Jimmy''': I liked your project, Libby.
:'''Libby''': Ah! ''[holds up a skeleton skull to Jimmy's face]'' Talk to the skull.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheen''': ''[after Jimmy attempts to use a Brain Drain helmet on himself]'' Wow, look at him. He looks so... so similar.
:'''Carl''': Aw, don't worry, Jimmy. There's always next time.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[notices the shine on his inventions, speaking in a derpy-like voice]'' Shiny? Shiny! I like shiny!
:'''Carl and Sheen''': It worked!
:'''Jimmy''': Hey, have you guys seen my loopy dance? ''[singing]'' I'm loopy, I'm loopy, I'm loopy, loopy, loopy…
:'''Carl''': You know, this new Jimmy seems kinda stupid.
:'''Sheen''': Yeah, he's really messed up. ''[beat]'' I like him!
:'''Carl''': Me too!
:'''Sheen''': Can we keep him?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ms. Fowl:''' Okay, who can tell me the square root of 144? Bwaaak!
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[raises hand]'' I know! Eleventy-six!
:'''Ms. Fowl:''' Well, no, I'm sorry. ''[squawks]'' That's wrong. ''[Cindy raises her hand]'' Cindy?
:'''Cindy:''' 12.
:'''Miss Fowl:''' No! ''[crying]'' It's 18!

===''Birth of a Salesman''===
:''[Jimmy is outside school, along with Carl, Sheen, Libby &amp; Cindy.]''
:'''Jimmy''': Ladies and gentlemen... and Cindy, I want to show you the greatest thing your eyes have ever beheld!
:'''Carl''': A [[w:llama|llama]]?
:'''Jimmy''': No.
:'''Carl''': A baby llama?
:'''Jimmy''': ''[scoffs]'' No!
:'''Carl''': A baby llama with a little hat on?
:'''Jimmy''': ''[angerier]'' NO!
:'''Cindy''': An invention of yours that actually works? ''[She and Libby laugh.]''
:'''Jimmy''': NO!!.. I mean...yes! I present to you... my latest neutronic invention ... ''[Presents three pieces of miniature books]'' Book Gum. Why read a book when you can just chew the book instead?
:'''Sheen''': Wow, Jimmy, chewing a book.
:'''Jimmy''': Sheen, you don't actually chew a book. See, I reduced the contents of different books to gum form. You chew it, and you know it. ''[He gives some gum to Sheen, who chews it.]''
:'''Sheen''': Yuck! Tastes... fishy. ''[starts quoting from [[w:Moby-Dick|Moby-Dick]]]'' &quot;Call me Ishmael. Starbuck, it's the great white whale! I'll get you, Moby Dick!&quot;
:'''Cindy''': Give me a piece of that. ''[Takes a piece and chews]'' Hmm... It tastes like fried chicken. ''[starts quoting from [[w:Gone with the Wind|Gone with the Wind]]]'' &quot;Oh, Ashley, Oh, Rhett. I don't know nothin' about birthin' no babies.&quot;
:''[Carl is about to taste a handful of gum pieces.]''
:'''Jimmy''': Careful, Carl. It would be very dangerous to eat more than one at a time.
:''[Carl selects a piece.]''
:'''Carl''': Mmm... ''William Shakespeare''.
:'''Jimmy''': That might just be a little ''strong'' for you, Carl.
:'''Carl''': ''[quotes Romeo's monologue from [[Romeo and Juliet]], during which Cindy rolls her eyes in amazement]'' &quot;But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east and Juliet is the sun. See how she leans her cheek upon her hand. Oh, that I were a glove upon that hand that I might touch that cheek.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': I have miscalculated its not about superior intellect is all about manipulating emotions with shallow unscrupulous behavior. Goddard, options! '''&quot;Take tap dancing lessons.&quot;''' Jimmy Neutron doesn't dance, Goddard. '''&quot;Go back in time and tell Cindy you will lose the contest.&quot;''' Goddard, whose kind of side are you on?! '''&quot;Build a better salesman.&quot;''' Yeah. If I can't be a better salesman, I'll create a better salesman! ''[Jimmy's lab; he has invented a robot salesman]'' The Willy Loman 3000-- a super-selling machine programmed to make the sale at any cost. He will ''not'' take &quot;no&quot; for an answer.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': It's the good life, gentlemen. While the W.L. 3000 does all the work, we're here enjoying a tall cold one.
:'''Sheen''': And plan our VIP trip to Retroland.
:'''Carl''': ''HUZZAH!''
:'''Sheen''': What?
:'''Carl''': &quot;Huzzah&quot; some goofy way to say &quot;''COOL!''&quot;!
:'''Man''': What?!?
:'''Willy''': Goo-ood afternoon, sir. May I say you look absolutely f-f-fabulous? Ha-ha-ha, yes, I agree it is beautiful out, heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh...
:'''Man''': I don't want to buy nothin'.
:'''Willy''': &quot;Buy&quot;? Who said &quot;buy&quot;? I-I-I'd like to give you a piece of c-candy, absolutely free with no strings attached.
:'''Man''': Forget it.
:'''Willy''': You can never have enough ca-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-andy, sir.
:'''Man''': I can. And I ''DO!'' Good-bye.
:''[The man almost closes the door, but Willy blocks it.]''
:'''Willy''': Y-yes, y-y-y-yes, this is a &quot;g-good buy&quot;.
:'''Man''': ''[struggling to close the door]'' What part of ''&quot;NO!&quot;'' do you not understand?
:'''Willy''': ''[holds up Goddard]'' How about if I throw in this free-ee-ee-ee dog if you buy a box?
:'''Man''': Hmm... what kind of dog is he?
:'''Willy''': He's your kind of dog. C-congratulations.
:''[Willy gives Goddard to the man, takes his money and slams the door]'' 
:'''Man''': ''[from inside the house]'' Hey, what does he ea-? Wha-? Wha-? Oh! OH! Not on the carpet, yo-! Ooh... Are those lug nuts?

===''Brobot''===
:'''Jimmy''': Mom, Dad, I have an announcement.
:'''Judy''': Ooh, tell me now if this involves any principals, policemen, or government people.
:'''Jimmy''': Nope. Not this time.
:'''Hugh and Judy''': Oh, good.
:'''Jimmy''': Goddard? ''[Goddard opens up a projection PowerPoint presentation with his mouth]'' As you know, research tells us the nuclear family of two or more progeny produces a higher happiness quotient than does a solo child family.
:'''Hugh''': Who wants to see the salt and pepper dance?
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, maybe I'll just cut to the chase. Mom, Dad, I want a little brother.
:''[Hugh spits out his drink after hearing this]''
:'''Judy''': ''[surprised]'' Jimmy!
:'''Hugh''': Jimbo! Baby making is very…complicated, believe me…
:'''Jimmy''': Dad, Dad, it's not complicated, really. It's basically conception, right…?
:'''Hugh''': ''[covers his ears]'' ♪ La-la-la-la ♪
:'''Judy''': Hugh, Hugh! ''[to Jimmy]'' Sweetie, a new baby just isn't in the cards right now.
:'''Jimmy''': But, Mom, if the glandular timeline closes…
:'''Hugh''': That's enough. Okay, I want pie. Anyone else want pie? I want pie.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Well, if the parental units won't provide me with a sibling, I'll just have to take matters into my own hands.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Brobot! What have I done?!
:'''Brobot''': WOW! That was amazing! Talk about tickling. Glad you made me 100% indestructible.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Brobot, I'd like to introduce you to your Mombot and your Popbot. I'm sure you'll be very happy together.
:'''Brobot''': ''[gasps in surprise]'' Cool! Thanks, Jimmy. You're the best. ''[holds hands with his robot parents as they fly off to the moon in space]''
:'''Judy''': Bye, Brobot. We'll miss you. Don't forget to write.

===''The Big Pinch''===
:'''Jimmy''': ''[sarcastic]'' Oh, I forgot about the ever popular mud-powered radio.
:'''Cindy''': And I forgot about your mud-powered brain!
:'''Thomas Edison''': Woo! That hovercar's a piece of work!
:'''Jimmy''': Thank you, Mr. Edison. You know, I achieved the upward thrust using strautium nitium-crusted fuel rods and titanium valuves.
:'''Thomas Edison''': Are you done? It's not that great, okay?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Make with the option. '''&quot;Convince town that electricity's overrated.&quot;''' No. '''&quot;Change name and flee country.&quot;''' Possibly. '''&quot;Break up Edison and Ms. Fowl.&quot;''' That's it! If I can break them up, Edison won't have any reason to stay here.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[mimicking Edison]'' Hey, you mangy canine, get away from there. ''[Goddard barks; normal voice]'' Fooled you. It's just me, Goddard. See, I installed a voice transformer inside this walkie-talkie. Observe. ''[mimicking Edison]'' Whip-diddly-doo, everybody. Pretty good, huh? Now open wide, boy. ''[Goddard whines]'' Aw, Goddard, this is going to help me break up Edison and Ms. Fowl. Now, come on pretend it's a nice, crunchy lug nut. ''[Goddard eats the speaker and belches]'' Good boy. Good boy. Now here's the plan…

===''Granny Baby''===
:'''Hugh''': All right, Jimbo, now listen. We're going to be staying at the Wild Animal Land in Dead Zebra Carcass suite. Don't tell your mother. It's gonna be a big surprise.
:'''Judy''': Oh, and Jimmy, Granny Neutron's coming over while we're gone.
:'''Jimmy''': Aw, Mom. Don't you remember my theorem proving mathematically, I don't need anyone to watch me?
:'''Hugh''': No, Jim-jam, she's not watching you, you're watching ''her.''
:'''Judy''': Besides, you can keep each other company. Now, remember, we're counting on you to watch out for her.
:'''Hugh''': Oh, and don't conduct anymore experiments on her, Jimbo.
:'''Judy''': At her age, the last thing you want is excitement.
:''[A taxi screeches to a stop in front of the Neutron residence with Granny driving]''
:'''Granny''': Told you I could get here from the airport in under fifty cents. ''[laughs]''
:'''Hugh''': Mom!
:'''Judy''': Oh, Mother Neutron.
:'''Jimmy''': Hi, Granny.
:'''Granny''': Jimmy, you tote my clothes. Hugh…you carry my pills, syrups, salves serums, girdles, ointments, medical devices, and miscellaneous supports.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Jimmy's lab; Jimmy and Goddard watch Granny on the computer monitor, talking to a Jimmy dummy standee]''
:'''Jimmy''': Age is a cruel, cruel thing, Goddard. In a short 65 years, you completely lose your ability to tell when people want you to stop talking.
:'''Granny''': ''[on monitor]'' And forget Preparation H. I've made it all the way to Preparation X. ''[laughs]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[realizing]'' Wait a second. If I made her young again, I'd bet she'd stop complaining. But I promised Mom and Dad I wouldn't experiment on Granny…especially after that time I made her magnetic. ''[chuckles]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[takes out the flask]'' She's awfully old. I hope this is enough.
:''[Living room; Granny sits across from the Jimmy Dummy, trying to open a lid of a small bottle, as the real Jimmy enters with the Tonic behind his back]''
:'''Granny''': Good morning. ''[points to the dummy standee]'' I was just telling you over there about my deviated spatchum. On cold mornings it rattles like the Tin Man throwing up a hoagie full of wood screws.
:'''Jimmy''': What's in the bottle?
:'''Granny''': Tongue De-Furrer. Your tongue gets furry when you're old. Sometimes I wake up it has chewing on it.
:'''Jimmy''':  Let me open that for you. ''[takes the bottle and pours the tonic in the bottle, and turns back to Granny]'' I think you'll feel much better and quieter after you drink this.
:'''Granny''': ''[Drinks it and smacks her lips distastefully]'' Tastes funny. Of course, what do I know – after sixty your sense of taste completely disapp- ''[the medicine then ends up transforming her into a baby]''
:'''Jimmy''': Granny?!
:'''Granny Baby''': Goo-goo-ga-gee.
:'''Jimmy''': Uh-oh. Granny?
:'''Granny Baby''': I feel great! Did I just take my morphine?
:'''Jimmy''': Uh… No, Granny. Well, you're… You're sort of, uh… baby.
:'''Granny Baby''': ''[as Goddard holds up a mirror, looking at her reflection]'' Holy fiber caps, I'm topless!
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, man, this isn't good. Where'd you get the diaper?
:'''Granny Baby''': I was already wearing it. ''[breaks wind in her diaper]'' Ooh… I need my diadey changed!
:'''Jimmy''': Problem. Goddard, change diaper.
:''[Goddard hacks in disgust]''
:'''Granny Baby''': Change me, NOW!
:'''Jimmy''': Who can change a diaper? ''[Goddard displays '''&quot;A Nurse&quot;''' on his screen]'' I don't know any nurses. ''[Goddard's screen then displays '''&quot;Your Mother&quot;''']'' No way. I love and respect Mom far too much to let her know, I, disobeyed her. ''[Goddard's screen displays '''&quot;Cindy&quot;'''; looks out the window, seeing Cindy across the street running a garage sale in the driveway with Libby]'' Uh-uh, no way! I will never ever ask Cindy for a favor!
:'''Granny Baby''': ''[breaks wind in her diaper again]'' Clean my poopy!
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, let's go ask Cindy for a favor. Shall we?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sheen''': Do you have any other Ultra Lord collectibles?
:'''Cindy''': No. Pay and leave.
:'''Sheen''': Any Ultra Lord videos?
:'''Cindy''': No.
:'''Sheen''': DVDs?
:'''Cindy''': No.
:'''Sheen''': CD-ROMs?
:'''Cindy''': No.
:'''Sheen''': TV episodes…
:'''Cindy''': NO!
:'''Sheen''': What about the discolored pajamas you get at the swap meet?
:'''Cindy''': NO! Do I look like the kind of pathetic self-diluted dweeb case who'd have anything about Ultra Lord?!
:'''Sheen''': No. You look more like a regular kind of pathetic self-diluted dweeb case.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Jimmy picks up bottles of DANGEROUS CHEMICALS (labeled as such); Cindy looks at a shelf, carrying Granny, who holds a rattle]''
:'''Granny Baby''': I'm bored! Make a funny face and let me hit you with a rattle.
:'''Cindy''': No.''[Granny Baby cries.]'' Okay, okay! ''[Cindy does a funny face and Granny Baby hits her in a face with her rattle.]''
:'''Granny Baby''': It's fun hitting you. Ha ha ha ha!
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[whispering]'' Granny Granny quiet.
:'''Guy:''' Did that baby just talk?
:'''Jimmy:''' No. Ha ha, why? Everyone know babies can't talk.
:'''Granny Baby:''' ''[To People]'' That's right. 'Cos if we could the Videotubbies’d became the subway, it’d make their head aerials spin. Ha ha ha ha!
:''[The people gasp. Jimmy and Cindy running from the clamoring mob.]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy''': ''[gives Jimmy the antidote in a baby bottle]'' Here. Anything else you'd like? Your slippers in a pipe maybe?
:''[Jimmy feeds Granny Baby the antidote in a baby bottle, reverting her back to her old self as Jimmy's parents arrive in the nick of time]''
:'''Judy''': Hello, honey. How was everything?
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, hi, Mom! Nothing unusual here, just me and Granny obeying all your rules. Yes, ma'am, that's what we're doing.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy''': Well, I'd love to stay and help you narrowly avoid even more consequences of your stupid actions but it looks like Libby and I have a date with some enchilada burritos.
:'''Jimmy''': It's nice to have you back, Granny.
:'''Granny''': So nice to be back, Jimmy. ''[chuckles]''
:'''Carl''': Hey, Jim, I'm really thirsty. Does your mom have any lemonade?
:'''Granny''': ''[gives Carl the antidote baby bottle]'' Drink this!
:'''Jimmy''': NO! ''[Carl drinks the antidote, turning himself into an old man]'' Carl? You okay?
:'''Old Carl''': Well, my eyes hurt, my hair is gone, and I have powerful urge to dance badly.
:'''Granny''': I'll take a piece of that.

===''Time Is Money''===
:'''Sheen''': I like the part about the medulla oblongata. I don't know what it means, but I love the way it sounds! ''[waves his UltraLord action figure at Carl]'' Back or I will slay thee you with my medulla oblongata!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[after watching the commercial of the Encyclopedia of Infinite Knowledge]'' Wow! Did you guys see that?! There's never been an encyclopedia like that ever! I gotta have it.
:'''Sheen''': That's so crazy, because I ''so'' don't want it.
:'''Jimmy''': Sorry, guys. I gotta go talk to my mom, right now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Ugh, gee, Goddard. It's not fair. Wish I could go back in time and convince him to invest in… ''[gets an idea]'' That's it. If we go back in time, I can convince Dad to invest in McSpanky's, and then, we'll have ''all'' the money we'll ever need!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Judy''': ''[about Sheen &amp; Carl]'' And what are they doing here? The big one is odd and the thin one is a weirdo.
:'''Carl''': Hey, you can't insult us like that!
:'''Hugh''': ''[tosses Carl and Sheen a gold brick]'' Here you go, get yourself something nice.
:'''Sheen''': Sure they can! ''[turns to Carl]'' Let's go, odd guy!
:'''Carl''': ''[snorts]'' You got it, weirdo!

===''Raise the Oozy Scab''===
:'''Jimmy''': Two centuries ago, a pirate ship named, the ''Oozy Scab,'' hit a squall and sunk to the bottom of Retroville Bay with a mysterious treasure chest. No sub could ever get deep enough to retrieve it until today. ''I'm'' finding that treasure.
:'''Cindy''': Listen, Neutron. I'm not any happier about being lab partners than you are so let's just classify some seashells and get it over with.
:'''Jimmy''': Darn it all, Cindy! I wish I could join you in your fascinating seashell project, but I've already planned a dangerous search for a shipwreck in my extremely cramped submarine.
:'''Cindy''': Okay, I'm in.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy''': What kind of dunderhead would want to talk to a bunch of stupid fish?
:'''Carl''': I wanna talk to fish! I wanna talk to fish!! ''[snatches the microphone out of Jimmy's hand and sees a fish]'' Oh, hey there, little fella! Do you like Fish Snack 'Ems? They're made from fish like you, only chopped up into little bite sized pieces and deep fried in burning oil! ''[the fish screams and swims away]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy''': ''[about Jimmy]'' Throw him in the brig!
:'''Jimmy''': It'll take a lot more than ravenous hunger to turn my men against me! ''[puts fists on hips and stands proudly]'' Tell her, boys!
:'''Sheen''': I'll get some rope!
:'''Carl''': I'll hold him down!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Don't worry. Despite your ''muteness'' behavior, you'll all still get a cut of the treasure.
:''[At school, Miss Fowl's classroom; the treasure chest is filled with pieces of saltwater taffy while Jimmy hits his head against it in disappointment]''
:'''Miss Fowl''': This is the most delicious saltwater taffy I've ever tasted, children. Your project wins an A-plus!
:'''Cindy''': You know, Jimmy, I hear each one of these pieces of taffy is worth over three cents.
:'''Jimmy''': I don't wanna talk about it. ''[resumes hitting his head]''

===''I Dream of Jimmy''===
:'''Jimmy''': Carl, you're asleep. This is a dream.
:'''Carl''': Don't be silly. If this was a dream, could I do… ''[pulls a brain out from his head]'' this? 
:'''Jimmy''': That's the only time you ''can'' do it! Carl, you're asleep, there are llamas in the classroom! Libby rowed to school with a plastic leg!!
:'''Carl''': Her paddle broke.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[observing Carl's genius state in his dream]'' When Carl's asleep, he dreams he's a genius like me.
:'''Cindy''': Like you? Please, you can't even spell your own name!
:''[Jimmy looks down at his school desk, seeing apparently botched attempts at spelling &quot;Jimmy&quot;]''
:'''Carl''': Now I need a dummy who will volunteer.
:''[Everyone points at Jimmy]''
:'''Jimmy''': But I'm not dumb. I'm a genius!
:''[Everyone laughs]''
:'''Cindy''': ''[giggling]'' If you're so smart, what's the square root of a flexnart?
:'''Jimmy''': That doesn't make any sense!
:'''Carl''': The square root of a flexnart is a cupful of boogers.
:'''Libby''': ''[dreamily]'' He did that all in his head!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Carl''': ''[waking up]'' Oh, wow, I had the craziest dream.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[panting]'' I know, I was there. You almost got me killed by a legume! ''[sees the Lima bean monster creeping up behind Sheen]'' Sheen, don't move. There's a giant man-eating Lima bean monster behind you.
:'''Sheen''': Ha! You guys. I haven't believed in that since I was, like, seven.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Uh, hey, Carl, you won't tell anyone about that awful, desperate  thing I had to do to wake you up, will ya?
:'''Carl''': Of course not, Jimmy.
:'''Cindy''': ''[shows up angrily and walks to Jimmy]'' Not even in ''his'' dreams, Neutron! ''[slaps Jimmy in the face as he spins and falls on his back, and she leaves, disgusted]''

===''Jimmy On Ice''===
:'''Hugh''': ''[after he and his posse mistake Jimmy and Godard in the distance for a caribou]'' There's gonna be caribou chili tonight boys.
:'''All Three Men''': ''[chanting]'' Ugh lugh lugh yeah! Ugh lugh lugh yeah! Ooooooooooh….. CARIBOU!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hugh''': Don't waste your time, sport. All the pipes are frozen solid.
:'''Judy''': ''[to Jimmy]'' Sweetie, eat your caribou before it gets hard and icy.

===''Battle of the Band''===
:'''Sheen''': Hey! Hey! What is this? I specifically requested dolphin-safe donuts! I refuse to perform until all of my ridiculous demands are satisfied!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[While Jimmy, Carl &amp; Sheen are fighting with each other.]''
:'''Jimmy''': Wait a minute. Sheen, Carl! What are we doing?
:'''Sheen''': Well, I was about to strangle Carl.
:'''Carl''': Yeah, and I was about to slap Sheen on the back of the head.

===''See Jimmy Run''===
:'''Miss Fowl''': ''[after Jimmy invisibly steals her sandwich]'' Well I….Who took my sandwich? ''[spots a squirrel]'' So that's your game, is it? well, Mr. I'm-Too-Good-For-Acorns, how'd you like a nice detention?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[laughs manically]'' Invisible Boy strikes! This may be my greatest invention ever! Think what I can do! Think what I shouldn't do, but will do. Think… ''[realizes he can't stop running]'' wait a minute. Something's wrong. I can't stop! Oh, no! Mom was right! The combustion cycle is accelerating out of control! Can't… get my shoes… off! Must… ''[grunts as he tries to take his shoes off]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Can't just keep running around and around forever. Wait a minute, &quot;running around!&quot; That's it! If I could spin around fast enough, my mass will become less dense, and in theory, I could slip right out of my shoes. Or…I could end up a gelatinous mess splattered all over the ground. ''[gulps]'' I really hope it's the first one.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy''': ''[burying her face in her hands in embarrassment]'' I have never been so embarrassed in all my life, and in front of Nick.
:'''Libby''': Cheer up, girl. With your grades, you can transfer to any school in town.
:'''Cindy''': I just know Neutron's behind this. When I see him…
:'''Sheen''': We just saw a ghost!
:'''Carl''': Yeah! And it has Jimmy!
:'''Cindy''': Good, it can keep him.
:'''Sheen''': Boy, you ''really'' have some anger issues don't you?
:''[Jimmy's screams are heard and he lands on the ground with a splat as a glowing purple goo blob]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[coughs]'' Hi, guys. I'm back. And by the way, that wasn't a ghost. It was me! But once again, I've solved everything.
:'''Cindy, Libby, Sheen, &amp; Carl''': ''[disgusted]'' Ew…!
:'''Cindy''': I thought Nerdtron was hard to look at before but ''this'' is disgusting!
:'''Sheen''': Yeah, Jimmy, you're totally gross… yet somehow cool. But completely nasty! Yet strangely awesome.
:'''Jimmy''': What are you guys talking about? ''[looks down at himself, seeing his molecules haven't re-assimilated yet]'' Oh, my molecules haven't re-assimilated.
:'''Carl''': Hey, look… ''[pokes him as he chuckles]'' He's fun to poke.
:'''Jimmy''': Stop it, Carl!

===''Trading Faces''===
:''[Lindbergh Elementary School; Jimmy and Cindy are walking down the hallway]''
:'''Jimmy/Cindy''': My ankles are freezing. Why don't girls just buy pants that cover their legs?
:'''Cindy/Jimmy''': Stop dragging my feet, those are new shoes! Look, if we just act like each other, nobody will ever know.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy/Jimmy''': Oh. So it's war, is it? Fine! ''[as Jimmy]'' Look at me, everybody! I, Jimmy Neutron, am a blue-faced, cross-eyed nosepicker!
:'''Jimmy/Cindy''': ''[as Cindy]'' Do you think I spent enough hours on my hair this morning? Hey, everybody, look at my ankles! When'll I ever get a pair of pants the right length? ''[laughs]'' Who knows?
:'''Jimmy/Cindy''': Oh, yeah? Listen to this.
:'''Cindy/Jimmy''': Don't you dare.
:'''Jimmy/Cindy''': ''[makes an armpit flatulence; as Cindy]'' How very lady-like of me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ms. Fowl''': ''[enters the classroom with pop quiz papers]'' Quiet, children. Pop quiz!
:''[The class groans in frustration]''
:'''Cindy/Jimmy''': I hope you enjoyed your straight A's, Neutron, 'cause they're a thing of the past. ''[begins quiz]'' &quot;The ant is a member of the vegetable family.&quot;
:'''Jimmy/Cindy''': ''[working on quiz]'' &quot;Name the planets: Farkle… Gub-Gub…&quot;
:''[Later after class…]''
:'''Ms. Fowl''': I would like an explanation for these two disgraceful papers.
:'''Cindy/Jimmy''': ''[as Jimmy]'' There is a simple explanation, Ms. Fowl. I, Jimmy Neutron, am a complete gabble headed dipstick!
:'''Jimmy/Cindy''': But not as big a dipstick as you are, Ms. Fowl! And if I don't get a month's worth of detention for that, you are even dumber than you look!
:'''Cindy/Jimmy''': How many detentions is ''this'' worth, &quot;Ms. Fowl-breath?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Libby''': Jimmy? Cindy? Are you finally back in your own bods again?
:'''Cindy/Jimmy''': No! 'Cause it's all Neutron's fault!
:'''Jimmy/Cindy''': My fault? What are you talking about?
:'''Cindy/Jimmy''': If it weren't for Folfax, Wheezer, and Estevez, none of this would have happened, and our pants and ankles are stil different!
:'''Jimmy/Cindy''': Well, it's also all your fault we're still each other in this jam!

===''The Phantom of Retroland''===
:'''Jimmy''': And so, in 1851, physicist Jean Foucault hung a pendulum from a 200 foot wire--much as I've done here--and ''proved'' the Earth revolves.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Every thinking person knows the Phantom's just a fable.
:'''Cindy''': Oh, obsess, why don't ya? You're only putting down Nick because despite all your logic you're just as scared of the Phantom as everyone else.
:'''Nick''': No kid who goes to Retroland after midnight has ever been seen again.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Carl''': &quot;Dear, Jimmy. I can't come with you tonight, as I have decided to join the French Foreign Legion. This is a decision I do not make likely, as I ha…&quot; ''[notices Jimmy looking at him as he opens the front door]'' H-Hi, Jimmy. I thought you said 11:30.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, you'd have surely been on a plane to Algeria by then, Carl.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Carl''': Sheen, the Phantom of Retroland is gonna tear us limb from limb and eat us! Say something!
:'''Sheen''': You ever notice how Jimmy's hair is like one of those gum massager things? It's all swirly and… What?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Glad you could make it, Sheen. How did you sneak out?
:'''Sheen''': Oh, I just told my grandma that I had to go to a deserted theme park to be eaten by a maniac. She told me to wear clean underwear.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sheen''': I wonder what order he'll eat us in.
:'''Jimmy''': He's kidding, Carl. No one's going to eat us. ''[checks the time on his wrist watch]'' Three, two one, midnight! Hah! We did it! We took a hypothesis, constructed a scientific protocol, and conclusively proved it false. Take that, Nick and all your ilk!
:'''Carl''': You know what I smell, Jimmy?
:'''Jimmy''': Victorious truth rising above the ashes of superstition?
:'''Carl''': No. ''[turns around, pointing to something]'' Salami. ''[Camera zooms out to reveal the Phantom standing in front the boys; screams]''
:'''Jimmy''': Stand your ground! It's obviously a trick.
:'''Sheen''': Could you sign this, &quot;To Sheen. With admiration and affection,&quot; please?
:''[Goddard barks at the Phantom while defending the boys, only for the Phantom to growl at him again]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[as the Phantom chases them to pendulum ride]'' He's not real! He's a mythical construct!
:'''Carl''': Hey, better safe than swallowed, Jimmy. Oh, he'll just climb in.
:'''Jimmy''': Not if we're moving.

===''My Son, the Hamster''===
:'''Sheen''': Jimmy! You're like a hamster! Or a gerbil! Or a dolphin or something!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Judy''': ''[to Hugh]'' Why don't you spend some quality time with Jimmy? It could be a special Father-Son day.
:'''Hugh''': That's a great idea! I used to have those with my Aunty all the time! Only we called them Aunty-Nephew days, but it's probably the same basic, uh, idea. We could go to the park, we could, uh… eat cheese! We could even go to Retroland! I love those zig-zaggy lines! They're so … not … straight.
:'''Judy''': ''[sighs]'' Oh, Hugh.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Brain blast! Carl, hand me that hamster trail. Sheen, get my magnifying ray. I'm gonna lure Mr. Wuggles back to the lab with the one thing no hamster can resist.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Judy''': Hugh, that was ''not'' our son! That thing had fur, and big teeth, and whiskers!
:'''Hugh''': I've been calling him, &quot;furry Jimmy.&quot;

===''Hall Monster''===
:'''Cindy''': ''[to Jimmy]'' Okay, Neutron, you're outta control! I'm making a citizen's arrest!
:'''Sheen''': I want a public defender!
:'''Libby''': I... I want my music!
:'''Carl''': ''[cries]'' I want my mommy! ''[whimpers and then smiles]'' And some fudge!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Carl]'' You've exceeded the number of llama stickers on your lunchbox!
:'''Carl''': ''[nervously]'' I know...but I... I have a special permit.

===''Hypno Birthday to You''===
:'''Sheen:''' ''[rolls dice]'' 7! ''[chuckles]'' Your llama is sucked into a volcanic sinkhole, where flesh-eating bats will nip at his screaming face. ''[eats popcorn]''
:'''Carl:''' Sheen, there aren't any volcanic sinkholes in Llama's Day Out!
:'''Sheen:''' Maybe ''that'' explains why I'm not having fun. ''[eats popcorn]''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[Enters]'' Hi, Carl. I ran out of chemicals mid-experiment and I ''know'' you got a chemistry set for your birthday?
:'''Sheen:''' ''[rolls dice]'' 11!
:'''Carl:''' Hey, you can use my chemistry set, Jim. ''[He gets his Mama's Boy chemestry set down from a shelf.]'' Oh, the potato's not included.
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh, that's okay. I assume it comes with a few cc's of ethyl mercaptin?
:'''Carl:''' Uh... no.
:'''Jimmy:''' Well, I can work around that. How about some, uh... dimercural sulfonative?
:'''Carl:''' Uh... yeah...? No.
:'''Jimmy:''' Tritium nitrate?
:'''Carl:''' I've got salt.
:'''Jimmy:''' Oh, Pukin' Pluto! How's a guy supposed to make a four-dimensional Hypercube molecule without access to the complete spectrum of inorganic chemicals?!
:'''Sheen:''' Welcome to ''my'' nightmare. ''[eats popcorn]''
:''[Jimmy rolls his eyes.]''
:'''Carl:''' ''[Walks over carrying a leaflet]'' Here you go, Jimmy. Check out this leaflet from inside the box.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[reading leaflet]'' &quot;Also try our Ultra-Deluxe model. Contains every element from aluminum to zirconium.&quot; Now, ''that's'' what I'm talkin' about! ''[suddenly blue, sighs]'' Aw, who am I kidding? I don't have any money, and my birthday's three months away.
:'''Sheen:''' ''[eats popcorn]'' Ah, quit procrastinating, Carl, for I'm not -- forget it! I'm rolling for you right now! ''[rolls one die and piece of popcorn]'' 1! ''[chuckles]'' And Carl's llama falls down. Down into the sulfurous mud pit! How the snake god will be pleased!
:'''Carl:''' Hey, how could you roll the one if there are two dice?
:'''Sheen:''' Huh? Oh. Yeah... ''[Picks up the die and popcorn; suddenly grabs throat and chokes.]'' Someone get me the jaws of life!

===''Krunch Time''===
:'''Jimmy Android''': Morning, Mom. Be down in a minute. I love you. You're the best mom in the world.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Judy''': James Neutron, go to bed right now, and I mean ''you!'' Not the Jimmy Android that says nice things.
:'''Jimmy''': Boy, moms are smart. Good night, Goddard.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': No more candy, no more problems. What are they gonna go? Riot?
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting angrily]'' Down with Jimmy! Down with Jimmy! Down with Jimmy! Down with Jimmy…
:'''Hugh''': I can't believe I'm saying that about my own son but, that candy is just too darn good.
:'''Judy''': ''[holding up a sign that says '''&quot;We want candy now!&quot;''']'' Don't talk! Chant!
:'''Hugh''': Down with Jimmy! Down with Jimmy!
:'''Jimmy''': People, listen to me! It's only candy!
:'''Cindy''': I say we hold him down and force him to make us more candy!
:'''Hugh''': Good idea, go for his tiny legs! CHARGE!
:''[The angry mob starts charging closer to Jimmy]''
:'''Everyone''': ATTACK!
:'''Jimmy''': Goddard, chopper mode!
:'''Judy''': Oh, no you don't, mister! Grab him! Get him, right now! Pull him down!
:'''Jimmy''': Goddard, plot a course for the most deserted place in town!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Sam''': ''[as Jimmy is hiding out in the Candy Bar to avoid the mob of people]'' Well, look who's here. Mr. &quot;I'm-going-to-invent-the-best-candy-in-the-world-and-put-the-Candy-Bar-out-of-business&quot;.
:'''Jimmy''': I'm sorry, Sam. I didn't mean to. I didn't know my candy would be that popular.
:'''Sam''': That's what the guy who invented underpants said! Anyways, you better skedaddle. That angry mob's gonna be here any moment.
:'''Jimmy''': How do you know that?
:'''Sam''': I called them. What do you expect? I've gone broke here! ''[the angry crowd chants &quot;Candy! Candy!&quot; from outside the Candy Bar]'' Uh-oh. Rhythmic chanting. That's a bad sign, yeah.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, what am i gonna do? Think, think, think.

===''Substitute Creature''===
:'''Libby''': What's that supposed to be?
:'''Sheen''': The rare Punching Plant of Melbore 9, as seen in UltraLord epsiode 64, &quot;Attack of the Salad Fixin's&quot;!
:'''Libby''': Looks like a boxing glove glued to a fern, if you ask me.
:'''Sheen''': Well, nobody asked you! Anyway, what have you come up with that's so wonderful?
:'''Libby''': I researched plants' responses to musical stimuli. This one got two hours of classic R&amp;B a day while this one got two hours of Yodelling to the Oldies.
:'''Sheen''' ''[pointing to the one that got two hours of &quot;Yodelling to the Oldies&quot;]'': That one looks dead.
:'''Libby''' ''[shakes her head sadly]'': It never had a chance.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Judy''': Drop the toaster and run for it!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Miss Fowl''': Is that you, Ernest Abercrombie?! Where is your homework?! It's 28 years overdue!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy''': If you think you're gonna be the hero here, Neutron, you are sadly mistaken. These seed pods  from your plant prove that ''you'' are responsible for this whole thing.
:'''Carl''': Ah, finally, dinnertime! ''[takes the seed pods out of her hand and eats them]''
:'''Cindy''': NO!
:'''Carl''': Mmm, oh, these are, mmm… ''[grows giant with green skin]''
:'''Sheen''': Whoa… Carl's ''huge!''
:'''Carl''': Hey… Hey, this is kind of cool! ''[laughs]'' I can see my house from here.
:'''Jimmy''': I can fix him! I just need to get another toaster!
:'''Cindy''': Uh-huh.
:'''Jimmy''': And you guys need to… uh, get that DNA Ray out of Ms. Fowl's stomach. Good luck, see ya, bye!
:'''Libby''': We have to what?
:'''Sheen''': You heard him. We have to make our teacher toss the lunch monkey. We need a bucket, an umbrella and whatever they were serving for lunch in the caferteria on Thursday! Goddard, hit it!
:''[Goddard plays town-saving music]''

===''Safety First''===
:'''Sheen''': Hey, Jimmy, I've been meaning to ask you something.
:'''Jimmy''': I know, I know. Why am I carrying two lunches? Because of that bully Terry Finster! This way, after he steals mine, I still have something to eat!
:'''Sheen''': Actually, I was going to ask you who would win in a fight between Big Foot and a Komodo Dragon, but your question's good too.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hugh''': ''[to Jimmy]'' Just got a phone call from Terry's mom! Did you two have a little spat-a-roo?
:'''Judy''': Hugh, the talk?
:'''Hugh''': ''[clears throat]'' Once upon on time, a boy sparrow said to a girl sparrow, &quot;Hey, nice feathers! Can I buy you some millet?&quot; Well, the girl sparrow…
:'''Jimmy''': You know what, dad? I would really love to hear the rest, but I'm having a small emergency, bye!
:'''Hugh''': And when he got to her nest, he was alarmed to find out that her mother was a cantankerous old crow!
:'''Judy''': Hugh!

===''Crime Sheen Investigation''===
:'''Sheen''': You've gotta help me, Jimmy! If you don't, I'll have to ask complete idiots to help me and you know how unreliable they are!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sheen''': Don't feel bad, Jimmy. You tried your best. It just wasn't anywhere near good enough.

===''Journey to the Center of Carl''===
:'''Jimmy''': I know I've said this a few times before, but this is my greatest invention ever! The Neutronic Sick Patch! Guaranteed to get you out of school for the day!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Vortex residence; Cindy goes under acupuncture in her bathing suit covered in needles]''
:'''Mrs. Vortex''': Relax Cindy, only 678 more needles to go. 
:''[Wheezer residence; Mr. Wheezer has put Carl in a plastic bubble]''
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': ''[laughing]'' This is the same plastic bubble my father put me in for 14 happy years! Hey, there, Bubble Boy!
:'''Mrs. Folfax''': ''[holding a jar in the center of Libby's forehead with a wasp inside]'' Relax baby, it's only a little wasp. Your great-great-great grandmother used wasps to cure everything!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hugh''': ''[playing the ukulele]'' ♪ You're my Honolulu Lulu! Lulu! Like a little cockatoo in a tutu! ♪

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[The students call Jimmy after the Sick Patches dissolved into their skins]''
:'''Cindy''': ''[in her swimsuit at her room]'' Your sick patch dissolved into my skin, Nerdtron!
:'''Sheen''': Jimmy, my patch pulled a Houdini! Doesn't it rock?!
:'''Libby''': Cure me or ''face'' the consequences!
:'''Carl''': I DON'T WANT TO BE A BUBBLE BOY!
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, okay, settle down! I can fix it! Carl, Sheen, sneak out and meet me in the you-know-what.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': We've reached our destination… ''[sniffs]'' the stomach.
:'''Sheen:''' ''[seeing toys in the stomach acid]'' Man. ''[sniffs]'' Carl eats a lot of junk, doesn't he? Hey, Carl! You're supposed to ''play'' with the toys in The Silly Meals, not ''eat'' 'em!
:'''Carl''': I know, but they always look so colorful and chewy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[As Jimmy cures everyone with vaccines, they all return to school]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[back in school]'' I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm finally glad to be going back to normal enough for school.
:'''Libby''': ''[also back in school with her wasp sting in the middle of her forehead]'' Yeah! I'm never getting sick again! Plus, one little sting from that wasp really hurt!
:'''Cindy''': ''[also back in school as well, but still in her swimsuit]'' &quot;One little sting&quot;? Try &quot;678 needles&quot;, Folfax, ''and then talk to me about pain''!
:'''Libby''': Wait a minute, Vortex. Why are you still in your bathing suit?
:'''Cindy''': Oh. No reason.
:'''Nick Dean''': ''[rocking back and forth, muttering helplessly]'' No more leeches, Mama, no more leeches, Mama, no more leeches, Mama.
:'''Ms. Fowl''': It's so good to have you all back! Now I'd like you to meet a new student! Please give a nice warm friendly welcome to Yentl Marmelstein!
:'''Yentl''': Hi, I-sniff-gee-yuck-choo, oh sorry, I have a cold.
:'''Everyone''': '''NOOOOOO'''!!!!!
:'''Libby''': Keep her away from us!
:'''Sheen''': Unclean! Unclean!
:'''Carl''': SANCTUARY! SANCTUARY! 
:'''Everyone''': RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!
:(Everyone scrambles out of the classroom)
:'''Ms. Fowl''': I think they LIKE you!

===''Aaughh!! Wilderness!!''===
:'''Hugh''': What is this? Insect repellent? A compass? Toilet paper? These frilly luxuries will just weigh us down.
:'''Judy''': Hugh, are you ''sure'' you know what you're doing?
:'''Hugh''': Don't forget I was an Acorn Lad! I remember everything I ever learned like the song we used to sing! ''[singing]'' We are the Acorn Lads, something, something, the Acorn Lads.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hugh''': Oh, it's no use! We're done for, and it's all my fault! The truth is, I'm a rotten camper! There, I said it. The other Acorn Lads used to dunk my head in the bug juice. I can't even make a stupid fire.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, don't worry, Dad. We'll find a way out of this. I don't care if you're a mediocre camper, I still think you're a great dad.
:'''Hugh''': Thanks, son, I…I needed to hear that.
:'''Sheen''': So you couldn't even make a fire.

===''Party at Neutron's''===
:'''Hugh''': Whoo-hoo! I can't believe it, Sugar-Booger! We're finally gonna get to see ''Ducks'', the greatest musical ever made!
:''[Sings]''
:When you're a duck,
:You're a duck all the way,
:From the first time you quack
:To the last egg you lay!
:''[Jimmy uses his Time Accelerator on him, speeding him up.]''
:When you're a duck
:You will live in a blind.
:With a little or long orange,
:It's a fresh melon rind!
:Du-u-u-u-u-u-ucks!
:The Musical.
:''[Jimmy winks at the camera.]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hugh''': Let's get a move on, puddin'. Don't wanna miss the overture! ''[Sings, to the tune of Beethoven's 5th Symphony]'' Da-da-da-duuuuuck! Da-da-da-duuuuuck! ''[Continues singing]''
:'''Judy''': Oh, Hugh. ''[To Jimmy]'' We'll be home around 11:30.
:'''Hugh''': Eh, Jimbo, you want us to... wake ya up when we get home and reenact the show?
:'''Jimmy''': Uh...no thanks.
:''[Hugh exits.]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Suddenly, a scientist's lot ''might'' be a boring and lonely one,  Goddard. ''[the doorbell rings]'' Saved by the bell. Here they come! ''[leaves his room to get the door; Carl and Sheen are there]''
:'''Sheen''': Hey, Jimmy, good news! I got the first season of ''Teenage Ultra Lord'' on DVD, with 162 awesome hours of bonus features and deleted scenes!
:'''Carl''': Yeah. In one exciting episode, the actors flub their lines with hilarious results.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, sorry, guys, I can't. My parents are out and I can't have anybody over.
:'''Sheen''': Your parents are gone? You're home alone? They won't be back till Ultra Lord knows when? Let's get ready to boogie!
:'''Jimmy''': No, Sheen, seriously. I signed a legal document.
:'''Sheen''': But think of the fun, the laughs, the excitement, the joy, the memories.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy''': ''[holding Jimmy's shrink ray at Carl]'' Hey, Wheezer. What happens if I point this at you and press the button?
:'''Carl''': Don't, don't. You'll make me real… ''[Cindy shrinks him; in high-pitched voice]'' small!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Tiny Carl''': ''[running around Amber, Courtney, and Tristan dancing like [[w:Peanuts|Peanuts]] characters]'' Don't step on me!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[answering the phone as it rings]'' Jimmy Neutron, party monster.
:'''Hugh''': Jimbo?
:'''Jimmy''': ''[alarmed]'' Dad?!
:''[Cut to his parents driving back home with Judy driving with annoyance and Hugh wearing a big duck head]''
:'''Hugh''': Bad news. One of the actors in Ducks broke his wing, so I jumped on stage to fill in and, well, I kind of, sort of, I, uh, accidentally--
:'''Judy''': ''[annoyed]'' He destroyed the entire set.
:'''Hugh''': It could've happened to anybody. Anyways, we'll be home in about 5 minutes. See you soon, son! ''[tosses the phone out of the car and into the street]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[worried with horror]'' 5 minutes?! NO!

===''Ultra Sheen''===
:'''Carl''': Oh my favorite video game?&quot; Oh no no it's too much pressure. &quot;Ninja llamas in space?&quot; Eh no. &quot;Llama vs. Mega Dingo?&quot; Eh… ''[gasps]'' Of coarse! &quot;Llama palooza!&quot; ''[sighs]'' Oh I love you most of all. ''[kisses the video game.]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sheen''': ULTRALORD! '''NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!'''
:'''Carl''': Oh, yeah! I'm bad! '''I DEFEATED ULTRALOOOOOORRRRD!!!!!!!!!!!!!''' ''[Sadly]'' And yet, I feel empty inside. Maybe it's because this game doesn't have any llamas?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ultralord''': AAARRGH! That's gonna leave an ULTRA BRUISE!

===''Broadcast Blues''===
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Jimmy, I'd like you to meet the new producer of ''Science with Jimmy''!
:''[Cindy enters the room.]''
:'''Jimmy''': '''''NO!!!!!'''''
:'''Principal Willoughby''': And... ''[Libby enters the room as well.]'' Your new co-host!
:'''Jimmy''': '''''NO!!!!!'''''
:'''Libby''': Jimmy, calm down. We know that you want the show to educate people. We deeply and genuinely respect that.
:'''Jimmy''': '''''NO!!!!!'''''

===''Professor Calamitous, I Presume''===

===''The Eggpire Strikes Back''===
:'''Ms. Fowl''': Good report, Libby, but next time leave off the headphones. I've been asking you to wrap it up for the last 20 minutes.
:'''Libby''': ''[not understanding]'' What?!
:'''Ms. Fowl''': I said, next time you can…
:'''Libby''': ''[still not understanding]'' Pardon?
:'''Ms. Fowl''': I said sit down! ''[gets up from her desk with graded chemistry test papers as Libby sits back at her desk]'' Now, class, time to hand back last week's chemistry test. ''[hands Cindy her graded test]'' Congratulations, Cindy. You got the best grade in the whole class.
:'''Cindy''': A+. Pack it in, Neutron. Your best years are behind you. I got an A+ to your lowly…
:'''Jimmy''': Read it and weep, Vortex. ''[holds up his graded test to her]''
:'''Cindy''': &quot;A++?!&quot; Ms. Fowl, I thought you said ''I'' got the best grade in class.
:'''Ms. Fowl''': I meant, except for Jimmy. Do I really need to say that every time?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sheen''': You know, this wouldn't happen if you people just wear your Ultra Lord Utility Belt!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Carl, are you okay? Speak to me!
:'''Carl''': Flying metal chicken.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, no. He's delusional!
:'''Sheen''': Actually, Jimmy, I gotta go with Carl on this one. ''[points to a giant Yolkian chicken ship in the sky]''
:'''Jimmy''': The Yolkians.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Attention, Retroville, this is the Neutron early alert system! This is an emergency! We're being invaded by Yolkians! All citizens report to the park immediately to defend the town!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Stop them before they're nice again!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Mom, Dad, you can't honestly believe the Yolkians aren't evil anymore just 'cause they brought us presents.
:'''Judy''': But such ''lovely'' presents, dear. Hugh, look at my new diamond earrings again.
:'''Hugh''': Still beautiful. You see, Jim-Jim, evil spaceniks are people just like you and me, and like people, they deserve a second chance, especially the ones with huge bags of gifts.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, the sooner they go back to Yolkus, the better, if you ask me.
:'''King Goobot''': ''[flushes the toilet as he exits the bathroom]'' Hello, Neutrons. How are my three humanoid life forms doing?
:'''Jimmy''': Mom! What's '''''he''''' doing here?!
:'''Judy''': Didn't you tell him, Hugh?
:'''Hugh''': ''[realizes]'' Nope. Must've slipped my mind. Jimbo, say hello to our new houseguest—- King Goobot!
:'''Jimmy''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait! Time out, here! We're letting an evil alien ''live'' in our house?!
:'''Hugh''': Now, Jimbo, don't be rude. The Yokians are friendly now. They've even offered to fill in for all of us at our humdrum jobs for as long as we want.
:'''Jimmy''': Mom, say something!
:'''Judy''': How do you like your steak cooked, Mr. Goobot?
:'''King Goobot''': Cooked?! Oh, uh, I mean, however you like it, my good woman.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ms. Fowl''': Good morning, children. Starting today, I'm taking an indefinite holiday. So say hello to your substitute teacher: Ooblar!
:'''Jimmy''': What?!
:'''Ooblar''': Thank you, old one.
:'''Ms. Fowl''': Thank you for the motorcycle. Ciao! ''[dashes away]''
:'''Ooblar''': Well, won't this be fun? I just know we're going to have a wonderful time getting to know each other.
:'''Carl''': Um, Mr. Ooblar, may I go to the bathroom?
:'''Ooblar''': WHY?! So you can plot a rebellion by passing notes through the sewers and rally the town to battle?! ''[all the students look at him]'' Uh… forget I said that. ''[laughs]'' I meant, of course you may.
:'''Carl''': Actually, I kind of don't have to go anymore.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, what's the point of having a state-of-the-art laboratory if it won't help you prove Yolkians are evil?
:''[Goddard plays a recording of King Goobot's voice]''
:'''King Goobot''': ''[recorded]'' Good people of Earth, there's no cause of alarm. We come in peace.
:'''Jimmy''': Hey, good idea, Goddard. If we scan Goobot's words through your lie-detector, we can see if he's telling the truth. Hit it, boy! ''[Goddard scans Goobot's words on his lie-detector drive and the screen displays '''&quot;False&quot;''']'' Oh, no! They're just as evil as ever! Only this time they've come down to get us. Come on, we've gotta warn the others! ''[exits his clubhouse and runs to the back door, finding a note]'' What's this? Let's see. '''&quot;Dear Jimmy, we went to the park to see the giant egg. Love, Mom and Dad.&quot;''' Giant egg? ''[gasps in horror]'' POULTRA!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;	
:'''Carl''': JIMMY PLUCKS A HAIR AND HOLDS IT UP TO THE DNA SCANNER NEXT TO THE CLUBHOUSE DOOR!! ''[inhales]'' '''HIS COMPUTER'S NAME IS VOX!!!''' ''[scarfs down the sundae]''
:'''Sheen''': I am ''deeply'' ashamed of you, Carl. And quit eating all the nuts!
:'''Cindy''': Thanks, boys. Let's do this again sometime.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Judy''': I'm worried about Jimmy, Hugh. He's alienated everyone in town with all this talk of evil Yolkians.
:'''Hugh''': D'oh, you know boys. It's probably just a phase, like…collecting bugs or eating soup with your hands. I hear Jimbo's over this whole &quot;evil&quot; Yolkian thing by now.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[runs into the kitchen]'' Mom, Dad, the Yolkians are planning on feeding the ''entire'' town to Poultra at today's picnic!
:'''Hugh''': ''[spits out his drink]'' I stand corrected.
:'''Judy''': What are you talking about Jimmy?
:'''Jimmy''': They're transporting Poultra's water dish down from deep space. That means Poultra's not far behind! Whatever you do, ''don't'' go to the picnic today.
:'''Hugh''': We're still going, right?
:'''Judy''': Wouldn't miss it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Libby''': Okay, that concludes the boring and annoying portion of the program. Our next act…
:'''Cindy''': ''[runs up on the stage and takes microphone out of Libby's hand]'' Wait! I think Jimmy's telling the truth!
:'''Jimmy and Libby''': You do?
:'''Cindy''': Yes! While I have no idea how the Yolkians could possibly have gotten into Jimmy's lab… Well, the point is, we owe Jimmy! Who saved us when hostile pants were on the loose in the streets? Who repelled the giant flaming meteor headed straight for town? Who risked his life to shrink Ms. Fowl down to size when she was 50 feet tall? Okay, I know. All of those things were Neutron's fault in the first place, but he ''still'' risked his life to save us! The least we owe him is our trust!
:'''Sam''': You know, the annoying blonde girl has a point.
:'''Man''': Eh, she usually hates Jimmy.
:'''Ms. Fowl''': Well, Jimmy ''did'' save me from being a giant freak woman.
:'''Libby''': Give it up for Jimmy! ''[the crowd cheers for him]'' We believe in you, Jimmy!
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Now, wait just a minute. I'm not believing a word Jimmy says until I have some decent credible evidence. ''[Poultra roars in distance]'' Works for me.
:''[The townspeople start to run but a Yolkian pushes a button, closing the gates, trapping them]''
:'''Miss Fowl''': Sweet muffins, we're trapped!
:''[Poultra's water dish is released from under the stage]''
:'''Hugh''': ''[as the Yolkians release Poultra's water dish]'' Hey, look! Jimmy's wrong again. The nice Yolkians built us a swimming pool.
:'''Judy''': Hugh, that's Poultra's water dish!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy''': Neutron, if there were ever a time to put that big, freak brain to work, it's now!
:'''Libby''': We're counting on you!
:'''Jimmy''': OK! OK! Think, think, think… ''[tries to, but it was too late]'' '''''I CAN'T DO IT!!!!!''''' ''[crying]'' CINDY, YOU GOTTA HELP ME! I'M SORRY I WAS LEADER! I'LL NEVER GET US OUTTA HERE! ''[screams loudly]'' '''''HELP!!!!!'''''
:'''Cindy''': ''[slaps Jimmy in the face]'' Get a grip, Neutron! We still have time to focus somehow… I think. First things first! Estevez, you come with me! We gotta distract Poultra together! Folfax, Wheezer, and Neutron! Keep that monster busy!

===''Maximum Hugh''===
:'''Jimmy''': If Dad competes, we lose for sure. Goddard, options. '''&quot;Accept your father's limitations.&quot;''' Nah, too mature. '''&quot;Pretend you're sick.&quot;''' I'm no quitter. '''&quot;Cheat.&quot;''' Hmm…cheating would be dishonest, but I'm far to blinded by my desire to destroy Cindy to care. To the lab!
:''[Goddard's screen displays '''&quot;Here we go again.&quot;''']''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': We won! And not a single injury! ''[drops the trophy]''
:'''Carl''': Oh, my foot!
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Oh, my back!
:'''Carl &amp; Mr. Wheezer''': ''[crash into each other]'' Ow! My head!
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Oh, I think I got a bone spur.
:'''Carl''': Ooh! Leg cramp!
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': My kidneys are on FIRE! ''[faints]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hugh''': Now, remember, son - there's no &quot;I&quot; in &quot;team,&quot; you know what I mean?
:'''Jimmy''': You mean we should sublimate our differences for the good of our combined effort?
:'''Hugh''': What? No, no, I mean there's no letter &quot;i&quot; in the word &quot;team.&quot; There's never a wrong time for a spelling lesson, son!

===''Sleepless in Retroville''===
:'''Hugh''': I remember my first sleepover. The games, the practical jokes, the crying for my mommy.
:'''Judy''': Hugh, that was our honeymoon.
:'''Hugh''': Yeah, I know.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Gentlemen, welcome to what I expect to be the greatest sleepover in history.
:'''Sheen''': Yeah! I baked galactic marshmallow balls from the Ultra Lord recipe book.
:'''Carl''': And I brought a video of &quot;Larry the Lovesick Llama&quot;!
:'''Jimmy''': You know, I have something you guys'll enjoy even more. Behold the Slumbertron 9000, designed to throw the ultimate sleepover party. It provides the world's greatest made-to-order pizza, tells super scary stories, and supplies the perfect pillows for ultimate pillow fights!
:'''Sheen''': Turn it on! Turn it on! Pizza, pillows, scary stories!
:'''Jimmy''': Hey, hey, hey. Easy, Sheen. One thing at a time. This is the Slumbertron's maiden voyage. I suggest we begin with…the pillow fight.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': I'm hungry. How about some pizza?
:'''Carl''': You read my stomach.
:'''Sheen''': I want pepperoni and garlic and onions and anchovies…
:'''Carl''': And peanut butter and clams and hot fudge. ''[Jimmy and Sheen look at him awkwardly over what he said]'' Don't knock it till you try it.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, okay, one ultimate pizza coming up.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': I believe the time has come for scary stories.
:'''Carl''': Well, okay, but, um…not too scary, Jimmy, 'cause remember what happened ''[whispers]'' the last time when I got too scared?
:'''Sheen''': Hey, did you bring your rubber sleeping bag?
:'''Carl''': Yes.
:'''Sheen''': Then what's the problem? Make it scream-your-head-off scary.
:'''Jimmy''': One scream-your-head-off scary story coming up.
:'''Carl''': ''[getting scared]'' It's just a story, it's just a story, it's just a story.
:'''Dr. Dark''': Good evening. I am Dr. Dark, teller of terrible tales.
:'''Sheen''': Hold up. Do mean terrible like lousy, or terrible like scary?
:'''Dr. Dark''': ''SCARY!''
:'''Sheen''': ''[frightened]'' Got it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': The Slumbertron must've combined the pizza and scary story programs to create…
:'''Carl''': A PIZZA MONSTER!
:'''Jimmy''': I can't delete the pizza! The screen's frozen!
:'''Pizza Monster''': Time for my dinner!
:''[The boys run away, screaming]''
:'''Carl''': HELP! WE'RE BEING CHASED BY A MONSTER!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Mission accomplished.
:'''Sheen''': If only it used its anchovies for good instead of evil.
:'''Carl''': I'm starving. Let's eat!
:'''Pizza Monster''': Fools! Haven't you ever heard of sequels?
:'''Jimmy''': ''[after a nightmare]'' Oh, it was only a nightmare. An anchovy, clam and peanut butter induced nightmare. ''[sees his parents running down the stairs until Hugh wakes up screaming]''
:'''Hugh''': Whew! That was a doozy.
:''[After Carl wakes up from a nightmare screaming from mutant pizza]''
:'''Carl''': Bad dream! Bad dream! ''[sees Sheen getting attacked by Pizza Monster]''
:'''Sheen''': ''[screams]'' Phew. I guess it was all just a dream. Hey Carl, I-- ''[But Carl is nowhere to be seen. He picks up Pizza Monster in two hands, making the Pizza Monster terrified.]''
:''[After the Pizza Monster wakes up from a nightmare screaming.]''
:'''Pizza Monster's Wife''': Honey, what is it?
:'''Pizza Monster''': Oh, I had the most horrible dream. There were 3 terrible children, a tubby one, a maniac one and one with a giant head!
:'''Pizza Monster's Wife''': I told you, dear. There's no such thing as children, now go back to sleep. 
:''[Both go back to sleep in their pizza box beds.]''

===''Make Room for Daddy-O''===
:'''Jimmy:''' I ''have'' to bring back the old Dad, and I've gotta do it fast!
:'''Sheen:''' I smell a Brain Blast!&lt;br&gt;
:'''Carl:''' Oh, is that what that is? ''[snorts]'' I thought it might be the cheese ball I've been carrying around since I was 3. ''[He shows a rotten cheese ball.]'' I call him Cheesy.
:''[Jimmy makes a face, then begins thinking.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' Think, think, think…!
:''[A memory of Hugh catching Jimmy is shown.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' Brain Blast!
:'''Sheen:''' Told ya. ''[Eats Carl's cheese ball]''

===''Beach Party Mummy''===
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, sorry, Carl. I couldn't bring your goldfish back to life.
:'''Carl''': ''[sniffles sadly]'' Goodbye, Swimmy. I'll miss you, boy.
:'''Sheen''': Why must the good die young?!
:'''Jimmy''': Now I thought re-stimulating his brain waves with my new Electro-Life device would bring him back. But I guess not.
:'''Sheen''': Jimmy, we might have a pop quiz today. Can I stimulate ''my'' brain?
:'''Jimmy''': No.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Miss Fowl''': Today, we will watch part one of Ken Burns' 97-hour documentary on the history of mummies.
:'''Cindy''': Yawn. I'd rather chew off my own foot.
:'''Libby''': ''[whispering]'' No, I wanna check this out. My family tree goes back to Egypt. Mummies are cool.
:'''Miss Fowl''': ''[inserts the tape in the VCR]'' Butch, would you get the lights?
:'''Butch''': Sure thing, teach. ''[pulls out a slingshot and shatters the lights off]''
:'''Miss Fowl''': ''[hand in face]'' Thank you.
:'''Jimmy''': I don't wanna see videos of mummies. I wanna see ''real'' mummies!
:'''Carl''': Oh, I don't. They might rise from the dead and attack us!
:''[Miss Fowl presses a button on the remote, turning on the TV; As the documentary starts, she and all her other students quickly start to fall asleep]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[looks at a colored drawing of Egypt]'' What am I doing sitting here? I'm a science genius. ''[turns around to his friends]'' Who's up for a quick trip to Egypt?
:'''Cindy''': What could be more boring than going with you to Egypt? ''[after for a second; makes up her mind]'' Let's roll.
:''[The kids tip-toe quietly out of the classroom and into the hallway]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[quietly]'' I'll go home and get my hover car and meet you guys in back of the school.
:'''Carl''': But, what if we get caught?
:'''Sheen''': We're not gonna get caught.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Guys, we can't leave school! It's ditching, and it'll go on our permanent record!
:'''Sheen''': Carl, how many times do I have to tell you? Your permanent record is just a myth. Like the Loch Ness Monster or North Dakota.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[arrives in his hover car]'' All aboard for Egypt!
:'''Libby''': Did you guys know I'm related to Cleopatra?
:'''Cindy''': No. Why don't you tell for the ten-millionth time?
:'''Sheen''': I'm related to the guy that invented baseball.
:'''Libby''': What?
:'''Carl''': Wow.
:'''Cindy''': Really?
:'''Sheen''': Oh, wait, did I say baseball? I meant spray-on-eyebrows.
:'''Jimmy''': Light speed to Egypt!
:'''Cindy''': This better not be like the time you took us to the center of the earth and all we found was a bunch of hot dirt.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, come on, guys. This is going to be a great adventure. We're going to find the lost tomb of Queen Hazabataslapya.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Jimmy…I've been saying, &quot;Toot Van Halen&quot; for 3 hours. Can I stop now?
:'''Cindy''': Way to go, Neutron. You haven't found anything. I'd rather be in school.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[disappointed]'' I don't understand it. I can't seem to find the lost tomb.
:'''Cindy''': Duh! That's why the call it the &quot;lost tomb,&quot; not the, here-it-is tomb: &quot;come inside and have a milkshake.&quot;
:'''Carl''': Oh, Swimmy loved milkshakes.
:'''Libby''': Let's go home. I need to apply some emergency skincare products.
:'''Cindy''': And so ends another chapter of the boring and stupid adventures of Jimmy Neutron.
:'''Jimmy''': But, guys, we're here in an exotic, distant, foreign land. We might as well have some fun.
:'''Cindy''': Fun? Yeah, right. Let's have a party in this beautiful spot.
:'''Jimmy''': Party?
:'''Sheen''': Uh, Jimmy? Where's the bathroom? All I see is sand, and I'm not a cat.
:'''Jimmy''': Sand? Yeah!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Let's have an Egyptian Beach Party!
:'''Sheen''': I'm in.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': All my life I wanted to go an authentic Egyptian Beach Party!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Libby''': Jimmy, what's happening?
:'''Jimmy''': The increased air friction has created a high-intensity displacement of the ground covering…
:'''Cindy''': Cut to the chase.
:'''Jimmy''': SANDSTORM!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': Okay Neutron, once again you blew it, big time… ''[Jimmy gasps in surprise at something with his jaw dropped]'' Hey, Jumblehead, I'm yelling at you. ''[snaps her fingers]'' Pay attention. What are you looking at?
:'''Jimmy''': ''[turns her head]'' The entrance to the lost tomb of the Queen Hazabataslapya.
:'''Sheen''': You think there's a bathroom in there?
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pushing the tomb's doors open]'' We shall now enter the lost tomb and see what has been unseen for 3,000 years.
:'''Cindy''': Shouldn't we like, call National Geographic or Harvard?
:'''Libby''': Or [[w: Harrison Ford|Harrison Ford]]?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Okay, are things gonna like, jump out at us and scare us?
:'''Sheen''': ''[jumps out from the side, scaring him]'' No, Carl. Everything here is dead.
:'''Carl''': Oh, that's good, 'cause… Dead things?! ''[points to a skeleton]'' Uh, I'm allergic to dead things!
:'''Jimmy''': Don't worry, Carl. Nothing's going to hurt you.
:''[The kids turn around and gasp at something shocking on the wall]''
:'''Cindy''': I don't believe it.
:'''Sheen''': It can't be.
:'''Jimmy''': But it ''is.''
:'''Carl''': IT'S…
:''[The wall shows a hieroglyphic image of Queen Hazabataslapya, who looks similar to Libby as Jimmy and Sheen turn to her before cutting to commercial break; cut back to the kids in the tomb]''
:'''Jimmy''': It's Queen Hazabataslapya!
:'''Sheen''': Smokin'. I'd be her king in Retroville minute.
:'''Cindy''': She looks just like… ''[points to Libby]''
:'''Carl''': Me?
:'''Libby''': No. Me.
:'''Sheen''': Wow, Libby. Maybe she's your great-great-great-great-great… ''[as time passes by]'' great-great-great grandmother!
:'''Libby''': I'm royalty.
:'''Cindy''': Oh, boy, here we go. Queen Libby is in the house.
:'''Libby''': Hey. Maybe this whole place belongs to me. I can turn it into a hot little dance club/restaurant/boutique/water park/…
:'''Carl''': Hey, Jimmy. ''[pointing to the hieroglyphics]'' Somebody wrote on the walls. ''[gasps]'' They're gonna get in trouble.
:'''Jimmy''': No, no, Carl. Those are hieroglyphics. The ancient Egyptian art of picture writing.
:'''Sheen''': Hey, I saw this in &quot;Ultra Lord vs. the Mutant Pus-Spitting Mummy.&quot; I can read this stuff.
:'''Cindy''': Yeah, right.
:'''Sheen''': &quot;The queen flew on the wings of an eagle. She had a VCR, but wanted a DVD, and the gods sent munchkins to hypnotize her water-skis. So she took her peanut butter sandwich for a walk.&quot; The end.
:'''Carl''': Wow, Sheen, that was amazing!
:'''Cindy and Libby''': Oh, boys.
:'''Jimmy''': Excuse me. My watch has a Sanskrit-to-English translator with a Rosetta stone upgrade. ''[scans the hieroglyphics on his watch]'' The queen was only 18 when she died.
:'''Sheen''': Why must the good die young?!
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;Whosoever disturbs my resting place, shall endure eternal punishment, and pain shall erupt from every poor, and their screams shall be heard down the centuries and-&quot;
:'''Cindy''': ''[interrupting]'' Get to the point, Doofus of Arabia.
:'''Jimmy''': It's just a silly curse. And there's no such thing as curses.
:'''Carl''': Oh, so they're like the Loch Ness Monster and North Dakota.
:'''Sheen''': Hey, guys-- I think I found the bathroom. It ''smells'' like a bathroom. I wish I had one of those deodorizer things you hang in the car from the rear-view mirror.
:'''Carl''': Lemon or strawberry?
:'''Sheen''': Thanks, Carl. Hey, why do you carry those around with you?
:'''Carl''': …'Cause.
:'''Jimmy''': Follow me.
:'''Carl''': Oh, I bet something really bad's gonna happen.
:'''Cindy''': With Nerdtron leading the way, it's a pretty safe bet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Principal Willoughby''': ''[realizing]'' Hold on. We don't have a school tanning salon.
:''[Cut to the kids in an empty chamber in the lost tomb]''
:'''Sheen''': I for one am deeply disappointed. It's just a big empty room.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, the pyramid designers sometimes build ''hundreds'' of empty chambers to confuse grave robbers. So they wander aimlessly for days until they…
:'''Cindy''': ''[interrupting]'' You got ten seconds to get outta here.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Spice jars! If we can gather up enough kaffir lime leaves and dry mustard powder, I can ignite them and blow the door open!
:'''Sheen''': Where do you learn all this stuff, Jimmy?
:'''Jimmy''': That I learned at the library.
:'''Sheen''': Ohh. And the library is a…?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': Okay, this field trip is over. How are you gonna get us out of here, Mr. Tour Guide?
:'''Jimmy''': ''[spooky]'' We don't want to get out of here.
:'''Sheen''': Okay, Jimmy's lost it. I elect myself leader. Everybody start crying and yelling.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[just before they do that]'' No, guys. Look. The queen's burial chamber. Get ready to see a ''real, live'' mummy.
:'''Sheen''': Hey, Jimmy. Was the queen gonna have a garage sale?
:'''Jimmy''': The Egyptians believed in an afterlife, so they preserve their bodies and buried them with their furniture, jewelry, pets…
:'''Sheen''': ''[laughing]'' Man. Those Egyptians were a bunch of whack jobs. But just in case they're right, I'd like to be buried with my Ultra Lord collection.
:'''Carl''': Well, guys, this was fun. ''[laughs nervously]'' Okay, let's all leave in a quite and orderly fashion before we see something ''really'' scary, like… ''[turns around to see…]'' MUMMIES! ''[runs and bumps into Jimmy, who drops the torch and the light goes out]''
:'''Jimmy''': Everybody, shh! Stand still, I'll find my torch. ''[accidentally touches Cindy]''
:'''Cindy''': Ow! That's ''not'' your torch.
:'''Jimmy''': Sorry.
:'''Carl''': Hey, Jimmy, I still got your Electro-Life thingy that makes a light. ''[activates the Electro-Life, lighting up the room, unaware by bringing the three mummies to life]''
:'''Jimmy''': Found it! ''[picks up the torch and lights it up]'' Now let's a take a look at those mummies.
:''[The mummies growl and start moving their bodies]''
:'''Carl''': ''[worriedly frightened]'' J-Jimmy, the mummies are looking at ''us.''
:'''Jimmy''': Impossible.
:'''Libby''': They're moving.
:'''Jimmy''': I did it! My Electro-Life works! I ''can'' bring the dead back to life!
:'''Sheen''': All right! You trampled all over the laws of nature! Way to go!
:'''Cindy''': Yeah, terrific. Now a bunch of dead guys wrapped in toilet paper are gonna kill us.
:'''Carl''': Um, guys, I suggest we… '''RUN!'''
:''[The kids start running as the mummies chase them]''
:'''Sheen''': Jimmy, next time you invite me anywhere, remind me to say no.
:'''Jimmy''': Let's hope there is a next time!
:'''Libby''': ''[to the mummies]'' Hey, guys, I'm related to your queen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': So, this is how it ends. Playing hide and get killed in a tomb in Egypt.
:'''Sheen''': Why must the good die young?!
:'''Carl''': They're coming this way. ''[whispering]'' Everybody stay quiet.
:'''Libby''': Uh, Jimmy, now would be a real time for one of your brain blasts.
:'''Jimmy''': Think, think… Brain blast! Libby, quick, I need you.
:'''Libby''': Why, Jimmy, this is so sudden!
:'''Cindy''': Hey, what's goin' on?
:'''Sheen''': It's the desert love curse. Working its evil ways on Jimmy's heart.
:'''Jimmy''': Libby, you look like the queen. If you pretend to be her, maybe the mummies will obey your command.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Libby''': ''[to the mummies]'' I command you to sleep for 5-
:'''Others''': 10!
:'''Libby''': 15 trillion more years! ''[the mummies snore as they fall asleep]'' Sleep tight, and don't let the scarab bugs bite.
:'''Jimmy''': Carl, give me the Electro-Life.
:'''Carl''': Why, Jimmy?
:'''Jimmy''': Some things should not see the light of day, for who am I, a mere mortal to alter the very laws of mortality.
:'''Cindy''': Good thing we're in a tomb 'cause you're boring us to death.
:''[Jimmy tosses the Electro-Life off aside]''
:'''Sheen''': Hey, guys! I finally found the bathroom! ''[Thump!]'' OW! Why must the good get hit on their heads again?!
:''[Outside the lost tomb, the gang are all in Jimmy's hover car, about to fly back home to Retroville]''
:'''Sheen''': Farewell, cruel desert!
:'''Carl''': Don't forget to write!
:'''Libby''': You know, I think I'm down with this new look. I'm gonna keep it.
:'''Cindy''': ''(sarcastically)'' So, do we have to address you as Queen Libby from now on?
:'''Libby''': ''[giggles]'' No. ''[jokingly]'' &quot;Your Mighty Fine Royal Marvelousness&quot; will do.
:'''Jimmy''': Light speed back to Retroville!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Miss Fowl, we're back!
:'''Others''': ''[annoyed]'' Carl!
:'''Miss Fowl''': ''[waking up along with Principal Willoughby]'' Where have you children been?! I want the truth.
:'''Principal Willoughby''': And I'll have none of this whole &quot;school tanning salon&quot; mumbo-jumbo!
:'''Sheen''': Uh, did I say we were going to the tanning salon? I meant, uh… the bathroom!
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Oh. Well, all right, then.
:'''Carl''': In Egypt. And Libby got to be a queen, and mummies chased us, and we discovered a lost tomb!

==External links==
* {{imdb title|ch0033574|The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius}}
* [http://www.nick.com/all_nick/tv_supersites/display_show.jhtml?show_id=jim Jimmy Neutron at Nick.com]
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1|1]] [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 2|2]] [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3|3]] | [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius|'''Main''']]
----

'''''[[w:The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius|The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius]]''''' is a show that ran on Nickelodeon from 2002–2006. The show follows the life of genius kid Jimmy Neutron and his friends and family. It is also based on the 2001 CGI film ''[[Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius (film)|Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius]]''.

===''When Pants Attack''===

:'''Judy''': James Issac Neutron! How many times have I told you to pick up your pants?!
:'''Jimmy''': Well, I know just the dog who can answer that, mom. ''[Snaps fingers, Goddard comes out]'' Goddard, access maternal reprehend data, cross reference: pants.
:''[Goddard begins replaying the times Judy asked Jimmy to pick up his pants.]''
:'''Judy''': ''[onscreen]'' Jimmy! Pick up your pants, please? -- Uh, Jimmy? Pick up your pants. -- Pick up your pants. -- Pants. -- Jimmy! -- Jimmy? -- Jimmy? -- Pick 'em up. -- Jimmy! -- Pick up… -- Pick up… -- Jimmy? -- …Your pants!
:''[Screen says &quot;54 times to date&quot;]''
:'''Judy''': I rest my case. Okay, no more Mrs-Nice-Mom.

&lt;hr width-50%&gt;
:''[Cindy presents her report with Jimmy unintentionally joining in.]''
:'''Cindy''': Origami: the ancient art of Japanese paper folding. I will be making the most difficult of all origami structures; a snow monkey.
:'''Jimmy''': Actually, paper folding originated in China --
:'''Cindy''': Riding a flying dragon --
:'''Jimmy''': In the second century A.D. --
:'''Cindy''': While drinking tea --
:'''Jimmy''': And was brought to Japan --
:'''Cindy''': On a ladder --
:'''Jimmy''': In the sixth century --
:'''Cindy''': IN DECEMBER!
:'''Ms. Fowl''': Cindy, I didn't know you and Jimmy were doing this report together.
:'''Cindy:''' We're ''not!''

===''Normal Boy''===
:'''Cindy''': Neutron, why don't you just go to college and leave us all alone.
:''[The students chatter in agreement as Principal Willoughby walks in the classroom]''
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Good news, everyone, Jimmy Neutron's state test scores were the highest in world history. ''[Jimmy cowers nervously as everyone glares at him as the bell for recess rings]'' Okay, time for recess. ''[shouts]'' No one go near Jimmy's head! ''[softly]'' That's precious cargo.
:'''Jimmy''': I liked your project, Libby.
:'''Libby''': Ah! ''[holds up a skeleton skull to Jimmy's face]'' Talk to the skull.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheen''': ''[after Jimmy attempts to use a Brain Drain helmet on himself]'' Wow, look at him. He looks so... so similar.
:'''Carl''': Aw, don't worry, Jimmy. There's always next time.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[notices the shine on his inventions, speaking in a derpy-like voice]'' Shiny? Shiny! I like shiny!
:'''Carl and Sheen''': It worked!
:'''Jimmy''': Hey, have you guys seen my loopy dance? ''[singing]'' I'm loopy, I'm loopy, I'm loopy, loopy, loopy…
:'''Carl''': You know, this new Jimmy seems kinda stupid.
:'''Sheen''': Yeah, he's really messed up. ''[beat]'' I like him!
:'''Carl''': Me too!
:'''Sheen''': Can we keep him?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ms. Fowl:''' Okay, who can tell me the square root of 144? Bwaaak!
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[raises hand]'' I know! Eleventy-six!
:'''Ms. Fowl:''' Well, no, I'm sorry. ''[squawks]'' That's wrong. ''[Cindy raises her hand]'' Cindy?
:'''Cindy:''' 12.
:'''Miss Fowl:''' No! ''[crying]'' It's 18!

===''Birth of a Salesman''===
:''[Jimmy is outside school, along with Carl, Sheen, Libby &amp; Cindy.]''
:'''Jimmy''': Ladies and gentlemen... and Cindy, I want to show you the greatest thing your eyes have ever beheld!
:'''Carl''': A [[w:llama|llama]]?
:'''Jimmy''': No.
:'''Carl''': A baby llama?
:'''Jimmy''': ''[scoffs]'' No!
:'''Carl''': A baby llama with a little hat on?
:'''Jimmy''': ''[angerier]'' NO!
:'''Cindy''': An invention of yours that actually works? ''[She and Libby laugh.]''
:'''Jimmy''': NO!!.. I mean...yes! I present to you... my latest neutronic invention ... ''[Presents three pieces of miniature books]'' Book Gum. Why read a book when you can just chew the book instead?
:'''Sheen''': Wow, Jimmy, chewing a book.
:'''Jimmy''': Sheen, you don't actually chew a book. See, I reduced the contents of different books to gum form. You chew it, and you know it. ''[He gives some gum to Sheen, who chews it.]''
:'''Sheen''': Yuck! Tastes... fishy. ''[starts quoting from [[w:Moby-Dick|Moby-Dick]]]'' &quot;Call me Ishmael. Starbuck, it's the great white whale! I'll get you, Moby Dick!&quot;
:'''Cindy''': Give me a piece of that. ''[Takes a piece and chews]'' Hmm... It tastes like fried chicken. ''[starts quoting from [[w:Gone with the Wind|Gone with the Wind]]]'' &quot;Oh, Ashley, Oh, Rhett. I don't know nothin' about birthin' no babies.&quot;
:''[Carl is about to taste a handful of gum pieces.]''
:'''Jimmy''': Careful, Carl. It would be very dangerous to eat more than one at a time.
:''[Carl selects a piece.]''
:'''Carl''': Mmm... ''William Shakespeare''.
:'''Jimmy''': That might just be a little ''strong'' for you, Carl.
:'''Carl''': ''[quotes Romeo's monologue from [[Romeo and Juliet]], during which Cindy rolls her eyes in amazement]'' &quot;But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east and Juliet is the sun. See how she leans her cheek upon her hand. Oh, that I were a glove upon that hand that I might touch that cheek.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': I have miscalculated its not about superior intellect is all about manipulating emotions with shallow unscrupulous behavior. Goddard, options! '''&quot;Take tap dancing lessons.&quot;''' Jimmy Neutron doesn't dance, Goddard. '''&quot;Go back in time and tell Cindy you will lose the contest.&quot;''' Goddard, whose kind of side are you on?! '''&quot;Build a better salesman.&quot;''' Yeah. If I can't be a better salesman, I'll create a better salesman! ''[Jimmy's lab; he has invented a robot salesman]'' The Willy Loman 3000-- a super-selling machine programmed to make the sale at any cost. He will ''not'' take &quot;no&quot; for an answer.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': It's the good life, gentlemen. While the W.L. 3000 does all the work, we're here enjoying a tall cold one.
:'''Sheen''': And plan our VIP trip to Retroland.
:'''Carl''': ''HUZZAH!''
:'''Sheen''': What?
:'''Carl''': &quot;Huzzah&quot; some goofy way to say &quot;''COOL!''&quot;!
:'''Man''': What?!?
:'''Willy''': Goo-ood afternoon, sir. May I say you look absolutely f-f-fabulous? Ha-ha-ha, yes, I agree it is beautiful out, heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh...
:'''Man''': I don't want to buy nothin'.
:'''Willy''': &quot;Buy&quot;? Who said &quot;buy&quot;? I-I-I'd like to give you a piece of c-candy, absolutely free with no strings attached.
:'''Man''': Forget it.
:'''Willy''': You can never have enough ca-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-andy, sir.
:'''Man''': I can. And I ''DO!'' Good-bye.
:''[The man almost closes the door, but Willy blocks it.]''
:'''Willy''': Y-yes, y-y-y-yes, this is a &quot;g-good buy&quot;.
:'''Man''': ''[struggling to close the door]'' What part of ''&quot;NO!&quot;'' do you not understand?
:'''Willy''': ''[holds up Goddard]'' How about if I throw in this free-ee-ee-ee dog if you buy a box?
:'''Man''': Hmm... what kind of dog is he?
:'''Willy''': He's your kind of dog. C-congratulations.
:''[Willy gives Goddard to the man, takes his money and slams the door]'' 
:'''Man''': ''[from inside the house]'' Hey, what does he ea-? Wha-? Wha-? Oh! OH! Not on the carpet, yo-! Ooh... Are those lug nuts?

===''Brobot''===
:'''Jimmy''': Mom, Dad, I have an announcement.
:'''Judy''': Ooh, tell me now if this involves any principals, policemen, or government people.
:'''Jimmy''': Nope. Not this time.
:'''Hugh and Judy''': Oh, good.
:'''Jimmy''': Goddard? ''[Goddard opens up a projection PowerPoint presentation with his mouth]'' As you know, research tells us the nuclear family of two or more progeny produces a higher happiness quotient than does a solo child family.
:'''Hugh''': Who wants to see the salt and pepper dance?
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, maybe I'll just cut to the chase. Mom, Dad, I want a little brother.
:''[Hugh spits out his drink after hearing this]''
:'''Judy''': ''[surprised]'' Jimmy!
:'''Hugh''': Jimbo! Baby making is very…complicated, believe me…
:'''Jimmy''': Dad, Dad, it's not complicated, really. It's basically conception, right…?
:'''Hugh''': ''[covers his ears]'' ♪ La-la-la-la ♪
:'''Judy''': Hugh, Hugh! ''[to Jimmy]'' Sweetie, a new baby just isn't in the cards right now.
:'''Jimmy''': But, Mom, if the glandular timeline closes…
:'''Hugh''': That's enough. Okay, I want pie. Anyone else want pie? I want pie.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Well, if the parental units won't provide me with a sibling, I'll just have to take matters into my own hands.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Brobot! What have I done?!
:'''Brobot''': WOW! That was amazing! Talk about tickling. Glad you made me 100% indestructible.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Brobot, I'd like to introduce you to your Mombot and your Popbot. I'm sure you'll be very happy together.
:'''Brobot''': ''[gasps in surprise]'' Cool! Thanks, Jimmy. You're the best. ''[holds hands with his robot parents as they fly off to the moon in space]''
:'''Judy''': Bye, Brobot. We'll miss you. Don't forget to write.

===''The Big Pinch''===
:'''Jimmy''': ''[sarcastic]'' Oh, I forgot about the ever popular mud-powered radio.
:'''Cindy''': And I forgot about your mud-powered brain!
:'''Thomas Edison''': Woo! That hovercar's a piece of work!
:'''Jimmy''': Thank you, Mr. Edison. You know, I achieved the upward thrust using strautium nitium-crusted fuel rods and titanium valuves.
:'''Thomas Edison''': Are you done? It's not that great, okay?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Make with the option. '''&quot;Convince town that electricity's overrated.&quot;''' No. '''&quot;Change name and flee country.&quot;''' Possibly. '''&quot;Break up Edison and Ms. Fowl.&quot;''' That's it! If I can break them up, Edison won't have any reason to stay here.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[mimicking Edison]'' Hey, you mangy canine, get away from there. ''[Goddard barks; normal voice]'' Fooled you. It's just me, Goddard. See, I installed a voice transformer inside this walkie-talkie. Observe. ''[mimicking Edison]'' Whip-diddly-doo, everybody. Pretty good, huh? Now open wide, boy. ''[Goddard whines]'' Aw, Goddard, this is going to help me break up Edison and Ms. Fowl. Now, come on pretend it's a nice, crunchy lug nut. ''[Goddard eats the speaker and belches]'' Good boy. Good boy. Now here's the plan…

===''Granny Baby''===
:'''Hugh''': All right, Jimbo, now listen. We're going to be staying at the Wild Animal Land in Dead Zebra Carcass suite. Don't tell your mother. It's gonna be a big surprise.
:'''Judy''': Oh, and Jimmy, Granny Neutron's coming over while we're gone.
:'''Jimmy''': Aw, Mom. Don't you remember my theorem proving mathematically, I don't need anyone to watch me?
:'''Hugh''': No, Jim-jam, she's not watching you, you're watching ''her.''
:'''Judy''': Besides, you can keep each other company. Now, remember, we're counting on you to watch out for her.
:'''Hugh''': Oh, and don't conduct anymore experiments on her, Jimbo.
:'''Judy''': At her age, the last thing you want is excitement.
:''[A taxi screeches to a stop in front of the Neutron residence with Granny driving]''
:'''Granny''': Told you I could get here from the airport in under fifty cents. ''[laughs]''
:'''Hugh''': Mom!
:'''Judy''': Oh, Mother Neutron.
:'''Jimmy''': Hi, Granny.
:'''Granny''': Jimmy, you tote my clothes. Hugh…you carry my pills, syrups, salves serums, girdles, ointments, medical devices, and miscellaneous supports.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Jimmy's lab; Jimmy and Goddard watch Granny on the computer monitor, talking to a Jimmy dummy standee]''
:'''Jimmy''': Age is a cruel, cruel thing, Goddard. In a short 65 years, you completely lose your ability to tell when people want you to stop talking.
:'''Granny''': ''[on monitor]'' And forget Preparation H. I've made it all the way to Preparation X. ''[laughs]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[realizing]'' Wait a second. If I made her young again, I'd bet she'd stop complaining. But I promised Mom and Dad I wouldn't experiment on Granny…especially after that time I made her magnetic. ''[chuckles]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[takes out the flask]'' She's awfully old. I hope this is enough.
:''[Living room; Granny sits across from the Jimmy Dummy, trying to open a lid of a small bottle, as the real Jimmy enters with the Tonic behind his back]''
:'''Granny''': Good morning. ''[points to the dummy standee]'' I was just telling you over there about my deviated spatchum. On cold mornings it rattles like the Tin Man throwing up a hoagie full of wood screws.
:'''Jimmy''': What's in the bottle?
:'''Granny''': Tongue De-Furrer. Your tongue gets furry when you're old. Sometimes I wake up it has chewing on it.
:'''Jimmy''':  Let me open that for you. ''[takes the bottle and pours the tonic in the bottle, and turns back to Granny]'' I think you'll feel much better and quieter after you drink this.
:'''Granny''': ''[Drinks it and smacks her lips distastefully]'' Tastes funny. Of course, what do I know – after sixty your sense of taste completely disapp- ''[the medicine then ends up transforming her into a baby]''
:'''Jimmy''': Granny?!
:'''Granny Baby''': Goo-goo-ga-gee.
:'''Jimmy''': Uh-oh. Granny?
:'''Granny Baby''': I feel great! Did I just take my morphine?
:'''Jimmy''': Uh… No, Granny. Well, you're… You're sort of, uh… baby.
:'''Granny Baby''': ''[as Goddard holds up a mirror, looking at her reflection]'' Holy fiber caps, I'm topless!
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, man, this isn't good. Where'd you get the diaper?
:'''Granny Baby''': I was already wearing it. ''[breaks wind in her diaper]'' Ooh… I need my diadey changed!
:'''Jimmy''': Problem. Goddard, change diaper.
:''[Goddard hacks in disgust]''
:'''Granny Baby''': Change me, NOW!
:'''Jimmy''': Who can change a diaper? ''[Goddard displays '''&quot;A Nurse&quot;''' on his screen]'' I don't know any nurses. ''[Goddard's screen then displays '''&quot;Your Mother&quot;''']'' No way. I love and respect Mom far too much to let her know, I, disobeyed her. ''[Goddard's screen displays '''&quot;Cindy&quot;'''; looks out the window, seeing Cindy across the street running a garage sale in the driveway with Libby]'' Uh-uh, no way! I will never ever ask Cindy for a favor!
:'''Granny Baby''': ''[breaks wind in her diaper again]'' Clean my poopy!
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, let's go ask Cindy for a favor. Shall we?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sheen''': Do you have any other Ultra Lord collectibles?
:'''Cindy''': No. Pay and leave.
:'''Sheen''': Any Ultra Lord videos?
:'''Cindy''': No.
:'''Sheen''': DVDs?
:'''Cindy''': No.
:'''Sheen''': CD-ROMs?
:'''Cindy''': No.
:'''Sheen''': TV episodes…
:'''Cindy''': NO!
:'''Sheen''': What about the discolored pajamas you get at the swap meet?
:'''Cindy''': NO! Do I look like the kind of pathetic self-diluted dweeb case who'd have anything about Ultra Lord?!
:'''Sheen''': No. You look more like a regular kind of pathetic self-diluted dweeb case.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Jimmy picks up bottles of DANGEROUS CHEMICALS (labeled as such); Cindy looks at a shelf, carrying Granny, who holds a rattle]''
:'''Granny Baby''': I'm bored! Make a funny face and let me hit you with a rattle.
:'''Cindy''': No.''[Granny Baby cries.]'' Okay, okay! ''[Cindy does a funny face and Granny Baby hits her in a face with her rattle.]''
:'''Granny Baby''': It's fun hitting you. Ha ha ha ha!
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[whispering]'' Granny Granny quiet.
:'''Guy:''' Did that baby just talk?
:'''Jimmy:''' No. Ha ha, why? Everyone know babies can't talk.
:'''Granny Baby:''' ''[To People]'' That's right. 'Cos if we could the Videotubbies’d became the subway, it’d make their head aerials spin. Ha ha ha ha!
:''[The people gasp. Jimmy and Cindy running from the clamoring mob.]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy''': ''[gives Jimmy the antidote in a baby bottle]'' Here. Anything else you'd like? Your slippers in a pipe maybe?
:''[Jimmy feeds Granny Baby the antidote in a baby bottle, reverting her back to her old self as Jimmy's parents arrive in the nick of time]''
:'''Judy''': Hello, honey. How was everything?
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, hi, Mom! Nothing unusual here, just me and Granny obeying all your rules. Yes, ma'am, that's what we're doing.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy''': Well, I'd love to stay and help you narrowly avoid even more consequences of your stupid actions but it looks like Libby and I have a date with some enchilada burritos.
:'''Jimmy''': It's nice to have you back, Granny.
:'''Granny''': So nice to be back, Jimmy. ''[chuckles]''
:'''Carl''': Hey, Jim, I'm really thirsty. Does your mom have any lemonade?
:'''Granny''': ''[gives Carl the antidote baby bottle]'' Drink this!
:'''Jimmy''': NO! ''[Carl drinks the antidote, turning himself into an old man]'' Carl? You okay?
:'''Old Carl''': Well, my eyes hurt, my hair is gone, and I have powerful urge to dance badly.
:'''Granny''': I'll take a piece of that.

===''Time Is Money''===
:'''Sheen''': I like the part about the medulla oblongata. I don't know what it means, but I love the way it sounds! ''[waves his UltraLord action figure at Carl]'' Back or I will slay thee you with my medulla oblongata!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[after watching the commercial of the Encyclopedia of Infinite Knowledge]'' Wow! Did you guys see that?! There's never been an encyclopedia like that ever! I gotta have it.
:'''Sheen''': That's so crazy, because I ''so'' don't want it.
:'''Jimmy''': Sorry, guys. I gotta go talk to my mom, right now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Ugh, gee, Goddard. It's not fair. Wish I could go back in time and convince him to invest in… ''[gets an idea]'' That's it. If we go back in time, I can convince Dad to invest in McSpanky's, and then, we'll have ''all'' the money we'll ever need!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Judy''': ''[about Sheen &amp; Carl]'' And what are they doing here? The big one is odd and the thin one is a weirdo.
:'''Carl''': Hey, you can't insult us like that!
:'''Hugh''': ''[tosses Carl and Sheen a gold brick]'' Here you go, get yourself something nice.
:'''Sheen''': Sure they can! ''[turns to Carl]'' Let's go, odd guy!
:'''Carl''': ''[snorts]'' You got it, weirdo!

===''Raise the Oozy Scab''===
:'''Jimmy''': Two centuries ago, a pirate ship named, the ''Oozy Scab,'' hit a squall and sunk to the bottom of Retroville Bay with a mysterious treasure chest. No sub could ever get deep enough to retrieve it until today. ''I'm'' finding that treasure.
:'''Cindy''': Listen, Neutron. I'm not any happier about being lab partners than you are so let's just classify some seashells and get it over with.
:'''Jimmy''': Darn it all, Cindy! I wish I could join you in your fascinating seashell project, but I've already planned a dangerous search for a shipwreck in my extremely cramped submarine.
:'''Cindy''': Okay, I'm in.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy''': What kind of dunderhead would want to talk to a bunch of stupid fish?
:'''Carl''': I wanna talk to fish! I wanna talk to fish!! ''[snatches the microphone out of Jimmy's hand and sees a fish]'' Oh, hey there, little fella! Do you like Fish Snack 'Ems? They're made from fish like you, only chopped up into little bite sized pieces and deep fried in burning oil! ''[the fish screams and swims away]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy''': ''[about Jimmy]'' Throw him in the brig!
:'''Jimmy''': It'll take a lot more than ravenous hunger to turn my men against me! ''[puts fists on hips and stands proudly]'' Tell her, boys!
:'''Sheen''': I'll get some rope!
:'''Carl''': I'll hold him down!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Don't worry. Despite your ''muteness'' behavior, you'll all still get a cut of the treasure.
:''[At school, Miss Fowl's classroom; the treasure chest is filled with pieces of saltwater taffy while Jimmy hits his head against it in disappointment]''
:'''Miss Fowl''': This is the most delicious saltwater taffy I've ever tasted, children. Your project wins an A-plus!
:'''Cindy''': You know, Jimmy, I hear each one of these pieces of taffy is worth over three cents.
:'''Jimmy''': I don't wanna talk about it. ''[resumes hitting his head]''

===''I Dream of Jimmy''===
:'''Jimmy''': Carl, you're asleep. This is a dream.
:'''Carl''': Don't be silly. If this was a dream, could I do… ''[pulls a brain out from his head]'' this? 
:'''Jimmy''': That's the only time you ''can'' do it! Carl, you're asleep, there are llamas in the classroom! Libby rowed to school with a plastic leg!!
:'''Carl''': Her paddle broke.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[observing Carl's genius state in his dream]'' When Carl's asleep, he dreams he's a genius like me.
:'''Cindy''': Like you? Please, you can't even spell your own name!
:''[Jimmy looks down at his school desk, seeing apparently botched attempts at spelling &quot;Jimmy&quot;]''
:'''Carl''': Now I need a dummy who will volunteer.
:''[Everyone points at Jimmy]''
:'''Jimmy''': But I'm not dumb. I'm a genius!
:''[Everyone laughs]''
:'''Cindy''': ''[giggling]'' If you're so smart, what's the square root of a flexnart?
:'''Jimmy''': That doesn't make any sense!
:'''Carl''': The square root of a flexnart is a cupful of boogers.
:'''Libby''': ''[dreamily]'' He did that all in his head!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Carl''': ''[waking up]'' Oh, wow, I had the craziest dream.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[panting]'' I know, I was there. You almost got me killed by a legume! ''[sees the Lima bean monster creeping up behind Sheen]'' Sheen, don't move. There's a giant man-eating Lima bean monster behind you.
:'''Sheen''': Ha! You guys. I haven't believed in that since I was, like, seven.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Uh, hey, Carl, you won't tell anyone about that awful, desperate  thing I had to do to wake you up, will ya?
:'''Carl''': Of course not, Jimmy.
:'''Cindy''': ''[shows up angrily and walks to Jimmy]'' Not even in ''his'' dreams, Neutron! ''[slaps Jimmy in the face as he spins and falls on his back, and she leaves, disgusted]''

===''Jimmy On Ice''===
:'''Hugh''': ''[after he and his posse mistake Jimmy and Godard in the distance for a caribou]'' There's gonna be caribou chili tonight boys.
:'''All Three Men''': ''[chanting]'' Ugh lugh lugh yeah! Ugh lugh lugh yeah! Ooooooooooh….. CARIBOU!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hugh''': Don't waste your time, sport. All the pipes are frozen solid.
:'''Judy''': ''[to Jimmy]'' Sweetie, eat your caribou before it gets hard and icy.

===''Battle of the Band''===
:'''Sheen''': Hey! Hey! What is this? I specifically requested dolphin-safe donuts! I refuse to perform until all of my ridiculous demands are satisfied!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[While Jimmy, Carl &amp; Sheen are fighting with each other.]''
:'''Jimmy''': Wait a minute. Sheen, Carl! What are we doing?
:'''Sheen''': Well, I was about to strangle Carl.
:'''Carl''': Yeah, and I was about to slap Sheen on the back of the head.

===''See Jimmy Run''===
:'''Miss Fowl''': ''[after Jimmy invisibly steals her sandwich]'' Well I….Who took my sandwich? ''[spots a squirrel]'' So that's your game, is it? well, Mr. I'm-Too-Good-For-Acorns, how'd you like a nice detention?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[laughs manically]'' Invisible Boy strikes! This may be my greatest invention ever! Think what I can do! Think what I shouldn't do, but will do. Think… ''[realizes he can't stop running]'' wait a minute. Something's wrong. I can't stop! Oh, no! Mom was right! The combustion cycle is accelerating out of control! Can't… get my shoes… off! Must… ''[grunts as he tries to take his shoes off]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Can't just keep running around and around forever. Wait a minute, &quot;running around!&quot; That's it! If I could spin around fast enough, my mass will become less dense, and in theory, I could slip right out of my shoes. Or…I could end up a gelatinous mess splattered all over the ground. ''[gulps]'' I really hope it's the first one.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy''': ''[burying her face in her hands in embarrassment]'' I have never been so embarrassed in all my life, and in front of Nick.
:'''Libby''': Cheer up, girl. With your grades, you can transfer to any school in town.
:'''Cindy''': I just know Neutron's behind this. When I see him…
:'''Sheen''': We just saw a ghost!
:'''Carl''': Yeah! And it has Jimmy!
:'''Cindy''': Good, it can keep him.
:'''Sheen''': Boy, you ''really'' have some anger issues don't you?
:''[Jimmy's screams are heard and he lands on the ground with a splat as a glowing purple goo blob]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[coughs]'' Hi, guys. I'm back. And by the way, that wasn't a ghost. It was me! But once again, I've solved everything.
:'''Cindy, Libby, Sheen, &amp; Carl''': ''[disgusted]'' Ew…!
:'''Cindy''': I thought Nerdtron was hard to look at before but ''this'' is disgusting!
:'''Sheen''': Yeah, Jimmy, you're totally gross… yet somehow cool. But completely nasty! Yet strangely awesome.
:'''Jimmy''': What are you guys talking about? ''[looks down at himself, seeing his molecules haven't re-assimilated yet]'' Oh, my molecules haven't re-assimilated.
:'''Carl''': Hey, look… ''[pokes him as he chuckles]'' He's fun to poke.
:'''Jimmy''': Stop it, Carl!

===''Trading Faces''===
:''[Lindbergh Elementary School; Jimmy and Cindy are walking down the hallway]''
:'''Jimmy/Cindy''': My ankles are freezing. Why don't girls just buy pants that cover their legs?
:'''Cindy/Jimmy''': Stop dragging my feet, those are new shoes! Look, if we just act like each other, nobody will ever know.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy/Jimmy''': Oh. So it's war, is it? Fine! ''[as Jimmy]'' Look at me, everybody! I, Jimmy Neutron, am a blue-faced, cross-eyed nosepicker!
:'''Jimmy/Cindy''': ''[as Cindy]'' Do you think I spent enough hours on my hair this morning? Hey, everybody, look at my ankles! When'll I ever get a pair of pants the right length? ''[laughs]'' Who knows?
:'''Jimmy/Cindy''': Oh, yeah? Listen to this.
:'''Cindy/Jimmy''': Don't you dare.
:'''Jimmy/Cindy''': ''[makes an armpit flatulence; as Cindy]'' How very lady-like of me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ms. Fowl''': ''[enters the classroom with pop quiz papers]'' Quiet, children. Pop quiz!
:''[The class groans in frustration]''
:'''Cindy/Jimmy''': I hope you enjoyed your straight A's, Neutron, 'cause they're a thing of the past. ''[begins quiz]'' &quot;The ant is a member of the vegetable family.&quot;
:'''Jimmy/Cindy''': ''[working on quiz]'' &quot;Name the planets: Farkle… Gub-Gub…&quot;
:''[Later after class…]''
:'''Ms. Fowl''': I would like an explanation for these two disgraceful papers.
:'''Cindy/Jimmy''': ''[as Jimmy]'' There is a simple explanation, Ms. Fowl. I, Jimmy Neutron, am a complete gabble headed dipstick!
:'''Jimmy/Cindy''': But not as big a dipstick as you are, Ms. Fowl! And if I don't get a month's worth of detention for that, you are even dumber than you look!
:'''Cindy/Jimmy''': How many detentions is ''this'' worth, &quot;Ms. Fowl-breath?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Libby''': Jimmy? Cindy? Are you finally back in your own bods again?
:'''Cindy/Jimmy''': No! 'Cause it's all Neutron's fault!
:'''Jimmy/Cindy''': My fault? What are you talking about?
:'''Cindy/Jimmy''': If it weren't for Folfax, Wheezer, and Estevez, none of this would have happened, and our pants and ankles are stil different!
:'''Jimmy/Cindy''': Well, it's also all your fault we're still each other in this jam!

===''The Phantom of Retroland''===
:'''Jimmy''': And so, in 1851, physicist Jean Foucault hung a pendulum from a 200 foot wire--much as I've done here--and ''proved'' the Earth revolves.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Every thinking person knows the Phantom's just a fable.
:'''Cindy''': Oh, obsess, why don't ya? You're only putting down Nick because despite all your logic you're just as scared of the Phantom as everyone else.
:'''Nick''': No kid who goes to Retroland after midnight has ever been seen again.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Carl''': &quot;Dear, Jimmy. I can't come with you tonight, as I have decided to join the French Foreign Legion. This is a decision I do not make likely, as I ha…&quot; ''[notices Jimmy looking at him as he opens the front door]'' H-Hi, Jimmy. I thought you said 11:30.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, you'd have surely been on a plane to Algeria by then, Carl.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Carl''': Sheen, the Phantom of Retroland is gonna tear us limb from limb and eat us! Say something!
:'''Sheen''': You ever notice how Jimmy's hair is like one of those gum massager things? It's all swirly and… What?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Glad you could make it, Sheen. How did you sneak out?
:'''Sheen''': Oh, I just told my grandma that I had to go to a deserted theme park to be eaten by a maniac. She told me to wear clean underwear.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sheen''': I wonder what order he'll eat us in.
:'''Jimmy''': He's kidding, Carl. No one's going to eat us. ''[checks the time on his wrist watch]'' Three, two one, midnight! Hah! We did it! We took a hypothesis, constructed a scientific protocol, and conclusively proved it false. Take that, Nick and all your ilk!
:'''Carl''': You know what I smell, Jimmy?
:'''Jimmy''': Victorious truth rising above the ashes of superstition?
:'''Carl''': No. ''[turns around, pointing to something]'' Salami. ''[Camera zooms out to reveal the Phantom standing in front the boys; screams]''
:'''Jimmy''': Stand your ground! It's obviously a trick.
:'''Sheen''': Could you sign this, &quot;To Sheen. With admiration and affection,&quot; please?
:''[Goddard barks at the Phantom while defending the boys, only for the Phantom to growl at him again]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[as the Phantom chases them to pendulum ride]'' He's not real! He's a mythical construct!
:'''Carl''': Hey, better safe than swallowed, Jimmy. Oh, he'll just climb in.
:'''Jimmy''': Not if we're moving.

===''My Son, the Hamster''===
:'''Sheen''': Jimmy! You're like a hamster! Or a gerbil! Or a dolphin or something!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Judy''': ''[to Hugh]'' Why don't you spend some quality time with Jimmy? It could be a special Father-Son day.
:'''Hugh''': That's a great idea! I used to have those with my Aunty all the time! Only we called them Aunty-Nephew days, but it's probably the same basic, uh, idea. We could go to the park, we could, uh… eat cheese! We could even go to Retroland! I love those zig-zaggy lines! They're so … not … straight.
:'''Judy''': ''[sighs]'' Oh, Hugh.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Brain blast! Carl, hand me that hamster trail. Sheen, get my magnifying ray. I'm gonna lure Mr. Wuggles back to the lab with the one thing no hamster can resist.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Judy''': Hugh, that was ''not'' our son! That thing had fur, and big teeth, and whiskers!
:'''Hugh''': I've been calling him, &quot;furry Jimmy.&quot;

===''Hall Monster''===
:'''Cindy''': ''[to Jimmy]'' Okay, Neutron, you're outta control! I'm making a citizen's arrest!
:'''Sheen''': I want a public defender!
:'''Libby''': I... I want my music!
:'''Carl''': ''[cries]'' I want my mommy! ''[whimpers and then smiles]'' And some fudge!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Carl]'' You've exceeded the number of llama stickers on your lunchbox!
:'''Carl''': ''[nervously]'' I know...but I... I have a special permit.

===''Hypno Birthday to You''===
:'''Sheen:''' ''[rolls dice]'' 7! ''[chuckles]'' Your llama is sucked into a volcanic sinkhole, where flesh-eating bats will nip at his screaming face. ''[eats popcorn]''
:'''Carl:''' Sheen, there aren't any volcanic sinkholes in Llama's Day Out!
:'''Sheen:''' Maybe ''that'' explains why I'm not having fun. ''[eats popcorn]''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[Enters]'' Hi, Carl. I ran out of chemicals mid-experiment and I ''know'' you got a chemistry set for your birthday?
:'''Sheen:''' ''[rolls dice]'' 11!
:'''Carl:''' Hey, you can use my chemistry set, Jim. ''[He gets his Mama's Boy chemestry set down from a shelf.]'' Oh, the potato's not included.
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh, that's okay. I assume it comes with a few cc's of ethyl mercaptin?
:'''Carl:''' Uh... no.
:'''Jimmy:''' Well, I can work around that. How about some, uh... dimercural sulfonative?
:'''Carl:''' Uh... yeah...? No.
:'''Jimmy:''' Tritium nitrate?
:'''Carl:''' I've got salt.
:'''Jimmy:''' Oh, Pukin' Pluto! How's a guy supposed to make a four-dimensional Hypercube molecule without access to the complete spectrum of inorganic chemicals?!
:'''Sheen:''' Welcome to ''my'' nightmare. ''[eats popcorn]''
:''[Jimmy rolls his eyes.]''
:'''Carl:''' ''[Walks over carrying a leaflet]'' Here you go, Jimmy. Check out this leaflet from inside the box.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[reading leaflet]'' &quot;Also try our Ultra-Deluxe model. Contains every element from aluminum to zirconium.&quot; Now, ''that's'' what I'm talkin' about! ''[suddenly blue, sighs]'' Aw, who am I kidding? I don't have any money, and my birthday's three months away.
:'''Sheen:''' ''[eats popcorn]'' Ah, quit procrastinating, Carl, for I'm not -- forget it! I'm rolling for you right now! ''[rolls one die and piece of popcorn]'' 1! ''[chuckles]'' And Carl's llama falls down. Down into the sulfurous mud pit! How the snake god will be pleased!
:'''Carl:''' Hey, how could you roll the one if there are two dice?
:'''Sheen:''' Huh? Oh. Yeah... ''[Picks up the die and popcorn; suddenly grabs throat and chokes.]'' Someone get me the jaws of life!

===''Krunch Time''===
:'''Jimmy Android''': Morning, Mom. Be down in a minute. I love you. You're the best mom in the world.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Judy''': James Neutron, go to bed right now, and I mean ''you!'' Not the Jimmy Android that says nice things.
:'''Jimmy''': Boy, moms are smart. Good night, Goddard.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': No more candy, no more problems. What are they gonna go? Riot?
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting angrily]'' Down with Jimmy! Down with Jimmy! Down with Jimmy! Down with Jimmy…
:'''Hugh''': I can't believe I'm saying that about my own son but, that candy is just too darn good.
:'''Judy''': ''[holding up a sign that says '''&quot;We want candy now!&quot;''']'' Don't talk! Chant!
:'''Hugh''': Down with Jimmy! Down with Jimmy!
:'''Jimmy''': People, listen to me! It's only candy!
:'''Cindy''': I say we hold him down and force him to make us more candy!
:'''Hugh''': Good idea, go for his tiny legs! CHARGE!
:''[The angry mob starts charging closer to Jimmy]''
:'''Everyone''': ATTACK!
:'''Jimmy''': Goddard, chopper mode!
:'''Judy''': Oh, no you don't, mister! Grab him! Get him, right now! Pull him down!
:'''Jimmy''': Goddard, plot a course for the most deserted place in town!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Sam''': ''[as Jimmy is hiding out in the Candy Bar to avoid the mob of people]'' Well, look who's here. Mr. &quot;I'm-going-to-invent-the-best-candy-in-the-world-and-put-the-Candy-Bar-out-of-business&quot;.
:'''Jimmy''': I'm sorry, Sam. I didn't mean to. I didn't know my candy would be that popular.
:'''Sam''': That's what the guy who invented underpants said! Anyways, you better skedaddle. That angry mob's gonna be here any moment.
:'''Jimmy''': How do you know that?
:'''Sam''': I called them. What do you expect? I've gone broke here! ''[the angry crowd chants &quot;Candy! Candy!&quot; from outside the Candy Bar]'' Uh-oh. Rhythmic chanting. That's a bad sign, yeah.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, what am i gonna do? Think, think, think.

===''Substitute Creature''===
:'''Libby''': What's that supposed to be?
:'''Sheen''': The rare Punching Plant of Melbore 9, as seen in UltraLord epsiode 64, &quot;Attack of the Salad Fixin's&quot;!
:'''Libby''': Looks like a boxing glove glued to a fern, if you ask me.
:'''Sheen''': Well, nobody asked you! Anyway, what have you come up with that's so wonderful?
:'''Libby''': I researched plants' responses to musical stimuli. This one got two hours of classic R&amp;B a day while this one got two hours of Yodelling to the Oldies.
:'''Sheen''' ''[pointing to the one that got two hours of &quot;Yodelling to the Oldies&quot;]'': That one looks dead.
:'''Libby''' ''[shakes her head sadly]'': It never had a chance.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Judy''': Drop the toaster and run for it!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Miss Fowl''': Is that you, Ernest Abercrombie?! Where is your homework?! It's 28 years overdue!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy''': If you think you're gonna be the hero here, Neutron, you are sadly mistaken. These seed pods  from your plant prove that ''you'' are responsible for this whole thing.
:'''Carl''': Ah, finally, dinnertime! ''[takes the seed pods out of her hand and eats them]''
:'''Cindy''': NO!
:'''Carl''': Mmm, oh, these are, mmm… ''[grows giant with green skin]''
:'''Sheen''': Whoa… Carl's ''huge!''
:'''Carl''': Hey… Hey, this is kind of cool! ''[laughs]'' I can see my house from here.
:'''Jimmy''': I can fix him! I just need to get another toaster!
:'''Cindy''': Uh-huh.
:'''Jimmy''': And you guys need to… uh, get that DNA Ray out of Ms. Fowl's stomach. Good luck, see ya, bye!
:'''Libby''': We have to what?
:'''Sheen''': You heard him. We have to make our teacher toss the lunch monkey. We need a bucket, an umbrella and whatever they were serving for lunch in the caferteria on Thursday! Goddard, hit it!
:''[Goddard plays town-saving music]''

===''Safety First''===
:'''Sheen''': Hey, Jimmy, I've been meaning to ask you something.
:'''Jimmy''': I know, I know. Why am I carrying two lunches? Because of that bully Terry Finster! This way, after he steals mine, I still have something to eat!
:'''Sheen''': Actually, I was going to ask you who would win in a fight between Big Foot and a Komodo Dragon, but your question's good too.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hugh''': ''[to Jimmy]'' Just got a phone call from Terry's mom! Did you two have a little spat-a-roo?
:'''Judy''': Hugh, the talk?
:'''Hugh''': ''[clears throat]'' Once upon on time, a boy sparrow said to a girl sparrow, &quot;Hey, nice feathers! Can I buy you some millet?&quot; Well, the girl sparrow…
:'''Jimmy''': You know what, dad? I would really love to hear the rest, but I'm having a small emergency, bye!
:'''Hugh''': And when he got to her nest, he was alarmed to find out that her mother was a cantankerous old crow!
:'''Judy''': Hugh!

===''Crime Sheen Investigation''===
:'''Sheen''': You've gotta help me, Jimmy! If you don't, I'll have to ask complete idiots to help me and you know how unreliable they are!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sheen''': Don't feel bad, Jimmy. You tried your best. It just wasn't anywhere near good enough.

===''Journey to the Center of Carl''===
:'''Jimmy''': I know I've said this a few times before, but this is my greatest invention ever! The Neutronic Sick Patch! Guaranteed to get you out of school for the day!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Vortex residence; Cindy goes under acupuncture in her bathing suit covered in needles]''
:'''Mrs. Vortex''': Relax Cindy, only 678 more needles to go. 
:''[Wheezer residence; Mr. Wheezer has put Carl in a plastic bubble]''
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': ''[laughing]'' This is the same plastic bubble my father put me in for 14 happy years! Hey, there, Bubble Boy!
:'''Mrs. Folfax''': ''[holding a jar in the center of Libby's forehead with a wasp inside]'' Relax baby, it's only a little wasp. Your great-great-great grandmother used wasps to cure everything!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hugh''': ''[playing the ukulele]'' ♪ You're my Honolulu Lulu! Lulu! Like a little cockatoo in a tutu! ♪

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[The students call Jimmy after the Sick Patches dissolved into their skins]''
:'''Cindy''': ''[in her swimsuit at her room]'' Your sick patch dissolved into my skin, Nerdtron!
:'''Sheen''': Jimmy, my patch pulled a Houdini! Doesn't it rock?!
:'''Libby''': Cure me or ''face'' the consequences!
:'''Carl''': I DON'T WANT TO BE A BUBBLE BOY!
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, okay, settle down! I can fix it! Carl, Sheen, sneak out and meet me in the you-know-what.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': We've reached our destination… ''[sniffs]'' the stomach.
:'''Sheen:''' ''[seeing toys in the stomach acid]'' Man. ''[sniffs]'' Carl eats a lot of junk, doesn't he? Hey, Carl! You're supposed to ''play'' with the toys in The Silly Meals, not ''eat'' 'em!
:'''Carl''': I know, but they always look so colorful and chewy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[As Jimmy cures everyone with vaccines, they all return to school]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[back in school]'' I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm finally glad to be going back to normal enough for school.
:'''Libby''': ''[also back in school with her wasp sting in the middle of her forehead]'' Yeah! I'm never getting sick again! Plus, one little sting from that wasp really hurt!
:'''Cindy''': ''[also back in school as well, but still in her swimsuit]'' &quot;One little sting&quot;? Try &quot;678 needles&quot;, Folfax, ''and then talk to me about pain''!
:'''Libby''': Wait a minute, Vortex. Why are you still in your bathing suit?
:'''Cindy''': Oh. No reason.
:'''Nick Dean''': ''[rocking back and forth, muttering helplessly]'' No more leeches, Mama, no more leeches, Mama, no more leeches, Mama.
:'''Ms. Fowl''': It's so good to have you all back! Now I'd like you to meet a new student! Please give a nice warm friendly welcome to Yentl Marmelstein!
:'''Yentl''': Hi, I-sniff-gee-yuck-choo, oh sorry, I have a cold.
:'''Everyone''': '''NOOOOOO'''!!!!!
:'''Libby''': Keep her away from us!
:'''Sheen''': Unclean! Unclean!
:'''Carl''': SANCTUARY! SANCTUARY! 
:'''Everyone''': RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!
:(Everyone scrambles out of the classroom)
:'''Ms. Fowl''': I think they LIKE you!

===''Aaughh!! Wilderness!!''===
:'''Hugh''': What is this? Insect repellent? A compass? Toilet paper? These frilly luxuries will just weigh us down.
:'''Judy''': Hugh, are you ''sure'' you know what you're doing?
:'''Hugh''': Don't forget I was an Acorn Lad! I remember everything I ever learned like the song we used to sing! ''[singing]'' We are the Acorn Lads, something, something, the Acorn Lads.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hugh''': Oh, it's no use! We're done for, and it's all my fault! The truth is, I'm a rotten camper! There, I said it. The other Acorn Lads used to dunk my head in the bug juice. I can't even make a stupid fire.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, don't worry, Dad. We'll find a way out of this. I don't care if you're a mediocre camper, I still think you're a great dad.
:'''Hugh''': Thanks, son, I…I needed to hear that.
:'''Sheen''': So you couldn't even make a fire.

===''Party at Neutron's''===
:'''Hugh''': Whoo-hoo! I can't believe it, Sugar-Booger! We're finally gonna get to see ''Ducks'', the greatest musical ever made!
:''[Sings]''
:When you're a duck,
:You're a duck all the way,
:From the first time you quack
:To the last egg you lay!
:''[Jimmy uses his Time Accelerator on him, speeding him up.]''
:When you're a duck
:You will live in a blind.
:With a little or long orange,
:It's a fresh melon rind!
:Du-u-u-u-u-u-ucks!
:The Musical.
:''[Jimmy winks at the camera.]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hugh''': Let's get a move on, puddin'. Don't wanna miss the overture! ''[Sings, to the tune of Beethoven's 5th Symphony]'' Da-da-da-duuuuuck! Da-da-da-duuuuuck! ''[Continues singing]''
:'''Judy''': Oh, Hugh. ''[To Jimmy]'' We'll be home around 11:30.
:'''Hugh''': Eh, Jimbo, you want us to... wake ya up when we get home and reenact the show?
:'''Jimmy''': Uh...no thanks.
:''[Hugh exits.]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Suddenly, a scientist's lot ''might'' be a boring and lonely one,  Goddard. ''[the doorbell rings]'' Saved by the bell. Here they come! ''[leaves his room to get the door; Carl and Sheen are there]''
:'''Sheen''': Hey, Jimmy, good news! I got the first season of ''Teenage Ultra Lord'' on DVD, with 162 awesome hours of bonus features and deleted scenes!
:'''Carl''': Yeah. In one exciting episode, the actors flub their lines with hilarious results.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, sorry, guys, I can't. My parents are out and I can't have anybody over.
:'''Sheen''': Your parents are gone? You're home alone? They won't be back till Ultra Lord knows when? Let's get ready to boogie!
:'''Jimmy''': No, Sheen, seriously. I signed a legal document.
:'''Sheen''': But think of the fun, the laughs, the excitement, the joy, the memories.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy''': ''[holding Jimmy's shrink ray at Carl]'' Hey, Wheezer. What happens if I point this at you and press the button?
:'''Carl''': Don't, don't. You'll make me real… ''[Cindy shrinks him; in high-pitched voice]'' small!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Tiny Carl''': ''[running around Amber, Courtney, and Tristan dancing like [[w:Peanuts|Peanuts]] characters]'' Don't step on me!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[answering the phone as it rings]'' Jimmy Neutron, party monster.
:'''Hugh''': Jimbo?
:'''Jimmy''': ''[alarmed]'' Dad?!
:''[Cut to his parents driving back home with Judy driving with annoyance and Hugh wearing a big duck head]''
:'''Hugh''': Bad news. One of the actors in Ducks broke his wing, so I jumped on stage to fill in and, well, I kind of, sort of, I, uh, accidentally--
:'''Judy''': ''[annoyed]'' He destroyed the entire set.
:'''Hugh''': It could've happened to anybody. Anyways, we'll be home in about 5 minutes. See you soon, son! ''[tosses the phone out of the car and into the street]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[worried with horror]'' 5 minutes?! NO!

===''Ultra Sheen''===
:'''Carl''': Oh my favorite video game?&quot; Oh no no it's too much pressure. &quot;Ninja llamas in space?&quot; Eh no. &quot;Llama vs. Mega Dingo?&quot; Eh… ''[gasps]'' Of coarse! &quot;Llama palooza!&quot; ''[sighs]'' Oh I love you most of all. ''[kisses the video game.]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sheen''': ULTRALORD! '''NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!'''
:'''Carl''': Oh, yeah! I'm bad! '''I DEFEATED ULTRALOOOOOORRRRD!!!!!!!!!!!!!''' ''[Sadly]'' And yet, I feel empty inside. Maybe it's because this game doesn't have any llamas?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ultralord''': AAARRGH! That's gonna leave an ULTRA BRUISE!

===''Broadcast Blues''===
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Jimmy, I'd like you to meet the new producer of ''Science with Jimmy''!
:''[Cindy enters the room.]''
:'''Jimmy''': '''''NO!!!!!'''''
:'''Principal Willoughby''': And... ''[Libby enters the room as well.]'' Your new co-host!
:'''Jimmy''': '''''NO!!!!!'''''
:'''Libby''': Jimmy, calm down. We know that you want the show to educate people. We deeply and genuinely respect that.
:'''Jimmy''': '''''NO!!!!!'''''

===''Professor Calamitous, I Presume''===

===''The Eggpire Strikes Back''===
:'''Ms. Fowl''': Good report, Libby, but next time leave off the headphones. I've been asking you to wrap it up for the last 20 minutes.
:'''Libby''': ''[not understanding]'' What?!
:'''Ms. Fowl''': I said, next time you can…
:'''Libby''': ''[still not understanding]'' Pardon?
:'''Ms. Fowl''': I said sit down! ''[gets up from her desk with graded chemistry test papers as Libby sits back at her desk]'' Now, class, time to hand back last week's chemistry test. ''[hands Cindy her graded test]'' Congratulations, Cindy. You got the best grade in the whole class.
:'''Cindy''': A+. Pack it in, Neutron. Your best years are behind you. I got an A+ to your lowly…
:'''Jimmy''': Read it and weep, Vortex. ''[holds up his graded test to her]''
:'''Cindy''': &quot;A++?!&quot; Ms. Fowl, I thought you said ''I'' got the best grade in class.
:'''Ms. Fowl''': I meant, except for Jimmy. Do I really need to say that every time?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sheen''': You know, this wouldn't happen if you people just wear your Ultra Lord Utility Belt!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Carl, are you okay? Speak to me!
:'''Carl''': Flying metal chicken.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, no. He's delusional!
:'''Sheen''': Actually, Jimmy, I gotta go with Carl on this one. ''[points to a giant Yolkian chicken ship in the sky]''
:'''Jimmy''': The Yolkians.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Attention, Retroville, this is the Neutron early alert system! This is an emergency! We're being invaded by Yolkians! All citizens report to the park immediately to defend the town!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Stop them before they're nice again!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Mom, Dad, you can't honestly believe the Yolkians aren't evil anymore just 'cause they brought us presents.
:'''Judy''': But such ''lovely'' presents, dear. Hugh, look at my new diamond earrings again.
:'''Hugh''': Still beautiful. You see, Jim-Jim, evil spaceniks are people just like you and me, and like people, they deserve a second chance, especially the ones with huge bags of gifts.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, the sooner they go back to Yolkus, the better, if you ask me.
:'''King Goobot''': ''[flushes the toilet as he exits the bathroom]'' Hello, Neutrons. How are my three humanoid life forms doing?
:'''Jimmy''': Mom! What's '''''he''''' doing here?!
:'''Judy''': Didn't you tell him, Hugh?
:'''Hugh''': ''[realizes]'' Nope. Must've slipped my mind. Jimbo, say hello to our new houseguest—- King Goobot!
:'''Jimmy''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait! Time out, here! We're letting an evil alien ''live'' in our house?!
:'''Hugh''': Now, Jimbo, don't be rude. The Yokians are friendly now. They've even offered to fill in for all of us at our humdrum jobs for as long as we want.
:'''Jimmy''': Mom, say something!
:'''Judy''': How do you like your steak cooked, Mr. Goobot?
:'''King Goobot''': Cooked?! Oh, uh, I mean, however you like it, my good woman.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ms. Fowl''': Good morning, children. Starting today, I'm taking an indefinite holiday. So say hello to your substitute teacher: Ooblar!
:'''Jimmy''': What?!
:'''Ooblar''': Thank you, old one.
:'''Ms. Fowl''': Thank you for the motorcycle. Ciao! ''[dashes away]''
:'''Ooblar''': Well, won't this be fun? I just know we're going to have a wonderful time getting to know each other.
:'''Carl''': Um, Mr. Ooblar, may I go to the bathroom?
:'''Ooblar''': WHY?! So you can plot a rebellion by passing notes through the sewers and rally the town to battle?! ''[all the students look at him]'' Uh… forget I said that. ''[laughs]'' I meant, of course you may.
:'''Carl''': Actually, I kind of don't have to go anymore.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, what's the point of having a state-of-the-art laboratory if it won't help you prove Yolkians are evil?
:''[Goddard plays a recording of King Goobot's voice]''
:'''King Goobot''': ''[recorded]'' Good people of Earth, there's no cause of alarm. We come in peace.
:'''Jimmy''': Hey, good idea, Goddard. If we scan Goobot's words through your lie-detector, we can see if he's telling the truth. Hit it, boy! ''[Goddard scans Goobot's words on his lie-detector drive and the screen displays '''&quot;False&quot;''']'' Oh, no! They're just as evil as ever! Only this time they've come down to get us. Come on, we've gotta warn the others! ''[exits his clubhouse and runs to the back door, finding a note]'' What's this? Let's see. '''&quot;Dear Jimmy, we went to the park to see the giant egg. Love, Mom and Dad.&quot;''' Giant egg? ''[gasps in horror]'' POULTRA!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;	
:'''Carl''': JIMMY PLUCKS A HAIR AND HOLDS IT UP TO THE DNA SCANNER NEXT TO THE CLUBHOUSE DOOR!! ''[inhales]'' '''HIS COMPUTER'S NAME IS VOX!!!''' ''[scarfs down the sundae]''
:'''Sheen''': I am ''deeply'' ashamed of you, Carl. And quit eating all the nuts!
:'''Cindy''': Thanks, boys. Let's do this again sometime.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Judy''': I'm worried about Jimmy, Hugh. He's alienated everyone in town with all this talk of evil Yolkians.
:'''Hugh''': D'oh, you know boys. It's probably just a phase, like…collecting bugs or eating soup with your hands. I hear Jimbo's over this whole &quot;evil&quot; Yolkian thing by now.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[runs into the kitchen]'' Mom, Dad, the Yolkians are planning on feeding the ''entire'' town to Poultra at today's picnic!
:'''Hugh''': ''[spits out his drink]'' I stand corrected.
:'''Judy''': What are you talking about Jimmy?
:'''Jimmy''': They're transporting Poultra's water dish down from deep space. That means Poultra's not far behind! Whatever you do, ''don't'' go to the picnic today.
:'''Hugh''': We're still going, right?
:'''Judy''': Wouldn't miss it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Libby''': Okay, that concludes the boring and annoying portion of the program. Our next act…
:'''Cindy''': ''[runs up on the stage and takes microphone out of Libby's hand]'' Wait! I think Jimmy's telling the truth!
:'''Jimmy and Libby''': You do?
:'''Cindy''': Yes! While I have no idea how the Yolkians could possibly have gotten into Jimmy's lab… Well, the point is, we owe Jimmy! Who saved us when hostile pants were on the loose in the streets? Who repelled the giant flaming meteor headed straight for town? Who risked his life to shrink Ms. Fowl down to size when she was 50 feet tall? Okay, I know. All of those things were Neutron's fault in the first place, but he ''still'' risked his life to save us! The least we owe him is our trust!
:'''Sam''': You know, the annoying blonde girl has a point.
:'''Man''': Eh, she usually hates Jimmy.
:'''Ms. Fowl''': Well, Jimmy ''did'' save me from being a giant freak woman.
:'''Libby''': Give it up for Jimmy! ''[the crowd cheers for him]'' We believe in you, Jimmy!
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Now, wait just a minute. I'm not believing a word Jimmy says until I have some decent credible evidence. ''[Poultra roars in distance]'' Works for me.
:''[The townspeople start to run but a Yolkian pushes a button, closing the gates, trapping them]''
:'''Miss Fowl''': Sweet muffins, we're trapped!
:''[Poultra's water dish is released from under the stage]''
:'''Hugh''': ''[as the Yolkians release Poultra's water dish]'' Hey, look! Jimmy's wrong again. The nice Yolkians built us a swimming pool.
:'''Judy''': Hugh, that's Poultra's water dish!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy''': Neutron, if there were ever a time to put that big, freak brain to work, it's now!
:'''Libby''': We're counting on you!
:'''Jimmy''': OK! OK! Think, think, think… ''[tries to, but it was too late]'' '''''I CAN'T DO IT!!!!!''''' ''[crying]'' CINDY, YOU GOTTA HELP ME! I'M SORRY I WAS LEADER! I'LL NEVER GET US OUTTA HERE! ''[screams loudly]'' '''''HELP!!!!!'''''
:'''Cindy''': ''[slaps Jimmy in the face]'' Get a grip, Neutron! We still have time to focus somehow… I think. First things first! Estevez, you come with me! We gotta distract Poultra together! Folfax, Wheezer, and Neutron! Keep that monster busy!

===''Maximum Hugh''===
:'''Jimmy''': If Dad competes, we lose for sure. Goddard, options. '''&quot;Accept your father's limitations.&quot;''' Nah, too mature. '''&quot;Pretend you're sick.&quot;''' I'm no quitter. '''&quot;Cheat.&quot;''' Hmm…cheating would be dishonest, but I'm far to blinded by my desire to destroy Cindy to care. To the lab!
:''[Goddard's screen displays '''&quot;Here we go again.&quot;''']''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': We won! And not a single injury! ''[drops the trophy]''
:'''Carl''': Oh, my foot!
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Oh, my back!
:'''Carl &amp; Mr. Wheezer''': ''[crash into each other]'' Ow! My head!
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Oh, I think I got a bone spur.
:'''Carl''': Ooh! Leg cramp!
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': My kidneys are on FIRE! ''[faints]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hugh''': Now, remember, son - there's no &quot;I&quot; in &quot;team,&quot; you know what I mean?
:'''Jimmy''': You mean we should sublimate our differences for the good of our combined effort?
:'''Hugh''': What? No, no, I mean there's no letter &quot;i&quot; in the word &quot;team.&quot; There's never a wrong time for a spelling lesson, son!

===''Sleepless in Retroville''===
:'''Hugh''': I remember my first sleepover. The games, the practical jokes, the crying for my mommy.
:'''Judy''': Hugh, that was our honeymoon.
:'''Hugh''': Yeah, I know.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Gentlemen, welcome to what I expect to be the greatest sleepover in history.
:'''Sheen''': Yeah! I baked galactic marshmallow balls from the Ultra Lord recipe book.
:'''Carl''': And I brought a video of &quot;Larry the Lovesick Llama&quot;!
:'''Jimmy''': You know, I have something you guys'll enjoy even more. Behold the Slumbertron 9000, designed to throw the ultimate sleepover party. It provides the world's greatest made-to-order pizza, tells super scary stories, and supplies the perfect pillows for ultimate pillow fights!
:'''Sheen''': Turn it on! Turn it on! Pizza, pillows, scary stories!
:'''Jimmy''': Hey, hey, hey. Easy, Sheen. One thing at a time. This is the Slumbertron's maiden voyage. I suggest we begin with…the pillow fight.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': I'm hungry. How about some pizza?
:'''Carl''': You read my stomach.
:'''Sheen''': I want pepperoni and garlic and onions and anchovies…
:'''Carl''': And peanut butter and clams and hot fudge. ''[Jimmy and Sheen look at him awkwardly over what he said]'' Don't knock it till you try it.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, okay, one ultimate pizza coming up.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': I believe the time has come for scary stories.
:'''Carl''': Well, okay, but, um…not too scary, Jimmy, 'cause remember what happened ''[whispers]'' the last time when I got too scared?
:'''Sheen''': Hey, did you bring your rubber sleeping bag?
:'''Carl''': Yes.
:'''Sheen''': Then what's the problem? Make it scream-your-head-off scary.
:'''Jimmy''': One scream-your-head-off scary story coming up.
:'''Carl''': ''[getting scared]'' It's just a story, it's just a story, it's just a story.
:'''Dr. Dark''': Good evening. I am Dr. Dark, teller of terrible tales.
:'''Sheen''': Hold up. Do mean terrible like lousy, or terrible like scary?
:'''Dr. Dark''': ''SCARY!''
:'''Sheen''': ''[frightened]'' Got it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': The Slumbertron must've combined the pizza and scary story programs to create…
:'''Carl''': A PIZZA MONSTER!
:'''Jimmy''': I can't delete the pizza! The screen's frozen!
:'''Pizza Monster''': Time for my dinner!
:''[The boys run away, screaming]''
:'''Carl''': HELP! WE'RE BEING CHASED BY A MONSTER!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Mission accomplished.
:'''Sheen''': If only it used its anchovies for good instead of evil.
:'''Carl''': I'm starving. Let's eat!
:'''Pizza Monster''': Fools! Haven't you ever heard of sequels?
:'''Jimmy''': ''[after a nightmare]'' Oh, it was only a nightmare. An anchovy, clam and peanut butter induced nightmare. ''[sees his parents running down the stairs until Hugh wakes up screaming]''
:'''Hugh''': Whew! That was a doozy.
:''[After Carl wakes up from a nightmare screaming from mutant pizza]''
:'''Carl''': Bad dream! Bad dream! ''[sees Sheen getting attacked by Pizza Monster]''
:'''Sheen''': ''[screams]'' Phew. I guess it was all just a dream. Hey Carl, I-- ''[But Carl is nowhere to be seen. He picks up Pizza Monster in two hands, making the Pizza Monster terrified.]''
:''[After the Pizza Monster wakes up from a nightmare screaming.]''
:'''Pizza Monster's Wife''': Honey, what is it?
:'''Pizza Monster''': Oh, I had the most horrible dream. There were 3 terrible children, a tubby one, a maniac one and one with a giant head!
:'''Pizza Monster's Wife''': I told you, dear. There's no such thing as children, now go back to sleep. 
:''[Both go back to sleep in their pizza box beds.]''

===''Make Room for Daddy-O''===
:'''Jimmy:''' I ''have'' to bring back the old Dad, and I've gotta do it fast!
:'''Sheen:''' I smell a Brain Blast!&lt;br&gt;
:'''Carl:''' Oh, is that what that is? ''[snorts]'' I thought it might be the cheese ball I've been carrying around since I was 3. ''[He shows a rotten cheese ball.]'' I call him Cheesy.
:''[Jimmy makes a face, then begins thinking.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' Think, think, think…!
:''[A memory of Hugh catching Jimmy is shown.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' Brain Blast!
:'''Sheen:''' Told ya. ''[Eats Carl's cheese ball]''

===''Beach Party Mummy''===
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, sorry, Carl. I couldn't bring your goldfish back to life.
:'''Carl''': ''[sniffles sadly]'' Goodbye, Swimmy. I'll miss you, boy.
:'''Sheen''': Why must the good die young?!
:'''Jimmy''': Now I thought re-stimulating his brain waves with my new Electro-Life device would bring him back. But I guess not.
:'''Sheen''': Jimmy, we might have a pop quiz today. Can I stimulate ''my'' brain?
:'''Jimmy''': No.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Miss Fowl''': Today, we will watch part one of Ken Burns' 97-hour documentary on the history of mummies.
:'''Cindy''': Yawn. I'd rather chew off my own foot.
:'''Libby''': ''[whispering]'' No, I wanna check this out. My family tree goes back to Egypt. Mummies are cool.
:'''Miss Fowl''': ''[inserts the tape in the VCR]'' Butch, would you get the lights?
:'''Butch''': Sure thing, teach. ''[pulls out a slingshot and shatters the lights off]''
:'''Miss Fowl''': ''[hand in face]'' Thank you.
:'''Jimmy''': I don't wanna see videos of mummies. I wanna see ''real'' mummies!
:'''Carl''': Oh, I don't. They might rise from the dead and attack us!
:''[Miss Fowl presses a button on the remote, turning on the TV; As the documentary starts, she and all her other students quickly start to fall asleep]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[looks at a colored drawing of Egypt]'' What am I doing sitting here? I'm a science genius. ''[turns around to his friends]'' Who's up for a quick trip to Egypt?
:'''Cindy''': What could be more boring than going with you to Egypt? ''[after for a second; makes up her mind]'' Let's roll.
:''[The kids tip-toe quietly out of the classroom and into the hallway]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[quietly]'' I'll go home and get my hover car and meet you guys in back of the school.
:'''Carl''': But, what if we get caught?
:'''Sheen''': We're not gonna get caught.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Guys, we can't leave school! It's ditching, and it'll go on our permanent record!
:'''Sheen''': Carl, how many times do I have to tell you? Your permanent record is just a myth. Like the Loch Ness Monster or North Dakota.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[arrives in his hover car]'' All aboard for Egypt!
:'''Libby''': Did you guys know I'm related to Cleopatra?
:'''Cindy''': No. Why don't you tell for the ten-millionth time?
:'''Sheen''': I'm related to the guy that invented baseball.
:'''Libby''': What?
:'''Carl''': Wow.
:'''Cindy''': Really?
:'''Sheen''': Oh, wait, did I say baseball? I meant spray-on-eyebrows.
:'''Jimmy''': Light speed to Egypt!
:'''Cindy''': This better not be like the time you took us to the center of the earth and all we found was a bunch of hot dirt.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, come on, guys. This is going to be a great adventure. We're going to find the lost tomb of Queen Hazabataslapya.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Jimmy…I've been saying, &quot;Toot Van Halen&quot; for 3 hours. Can I stop now?
:'''Cindy''': Way to go, Neutron. You haven't found anything. I'd rather be in school.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[disappointed]'' I don't understand it. I can't seem to find the lost tomb.
:'''Cindy''': Duh! That's why the call it the &quot;lost tomb,&quot; not the, here-it-is tomb: &quot;come inside and have a milkshake.&quot;
:'''Carl''': Oh, Swimmy loved milkshakes.
:'''Libby''': Let's go home. I need to apply some emergency skincare products.
:'''Cindy''': And so ends another chapter of the boring and stupid adventures of Jimmy Neutron.
:'''Jimmy''': But, guys, we're here in an exotic, distant, foreign land. We might as well have some fun.
:'''Cindy''': Fun? Yeah, right. Let's have a party in this beautiful spot.
:'''Jimmy''': Party?
:'''Sheen''': Uh, Jimmy? Where's the bathroom? All I see is sand, and I'm not a cat.
:'''Jimmy''': Sand? Yeah!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Let's have an Egyptian Beach Party!
:'''Sheen''': I'm in.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': All my life I wanted to go an authentic Egyptian Beach Party!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Libby''': Jimmy, what's happening?
:'''Jimmy''': The increased air friction has created a high-intensity displacement of the ground covering…
:'''Cindy''': Cut to the chase.
:'''Jimmy''': SANDSTORM!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': Okay Neutron, once again you blew it, big time… ''[Jimmy gasps in surprise at something with his jaw dropped]'' Hey, Jumblehead, I'm yelling at you. ''[snaps her fingers]'' Pay attention. What are you looking at?
:'''Jimmy''': ''[turns her head]'' The entrance to the lost tomb of the Queen Hazabataslapya.
:'''Sheen''': You think there's a bathroom in there?
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pushing the tomb's doors open]'' We shall now enter the lost tomb and see what has been unseen for 3,000 years.
:'''Cindy''': Shouldn't we like, call National Geographic or Harvard?
:'''Libby''': Or [[w: Harrison Ford|Harrison Ford]]?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Okay, are things gonna like, jump out at us and scare us?
:'''Sheen''': ''[jumps out from the side, scaring him]'' No, Carl. Everything here is dead.
:'''Carl''': Oh, that's good, 'cause… Dead things?! ''[points to a skeleton]'' Uh, I'm allergic to dead things!
:'''Jimmy''': Don't worry, Carl. Nothing's going to hurt you.
:''[The kids turn around and gasp at something shocking on the wall]''
:'''Cindy''': I don't believe it.
:'''Sheen''': It can't be.
:'''Jimmy''': But it ''is.''
:'''Carl''': IT'S…
:''[The wall shows a hieroglyphic image of Queen Hazabataslapya, who looks similar to Libby as Jimmy and Sheen turn to her before cutting to commercial break; cut back to the kids in the tomb]''
:'''Jimmy''': It's Queen Hazabataslapya!
:'''Sheen''': Smokin'. I'd be her king in Retroville minute.
:'''Cindy''': She looks just like… ''[points to Libby]''
:'''Carl''': Me?
:'''Libby''': No. Me.
:'''Sheen''': Wow, Libby. Maybe she's your great-great-great-great-great… ''[as time passes by]'' great-great-great grandmother!
:'''Libby''': I'm royalty.
:'''Cindy''': Oh, boy, here we go. Queen Libby is in the house.
:'''Libby''': Hey. Maybe this whole place belongs to me. I can turn it into a hot little dance club/restaurant/boutique/water park/…
:'''Carl''': Hey, Jimmy. ''[pointing to the hieroglyphics]'' Somebody wrote on the walls. ''[gasps]'' They're gonna get in trouble.
:'''Jimmy''': No, no, Carl. Those are hieroglyphics. The ancient Egyptian art of picture writing.
:'''Sheen''': Hey, I saw this in &quot;Ultra Lord vs. the Mutant Pus-Spitting Mummy.&quot; I can read this stuff.
:'''Cindy''': Yeah, right.
:'''Sheen''': &quot;The queen flew on the wings of an eagle. She had a VCR, but wanted a DVD, and the gods sent munchkins to hypnotize her water-skis. So she took her peanut butter sandwich for a walk.&quot; The end.
:'''Carl''': Wow, Sheen, that was amazing!
:'''Cindy and Libby''': Oh, boys.
:'''Jimmy''': Excuse me. My watch has a Sanskrit-to-English translator with a Rosetta stone upgrade. ''[scans the hieroglyphics on his watch]'' The queen was only 18 when she died.
:'''Sheen''': Why must the good die young?!
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;Whosoever disturbs my resting place, shall endure eternal punishment, and pain shall erupt from every poor, and their screams shall be heard down the centuries and-&quot;
:'''Cindy''': ''[interrupting]'' Get to the point, Doofus of Arabia.
:'''Jimmy''': It's just a silly curse. And there's no such thing as curses.
:'''Carl''': Oh, so they're like the Loch Ness Monster and North Dakota.
:'''Sheen''': Hey, guys-- I think I found the bathroom. It ''smells'' like a bathroom. I wish I had one of those deodorizer things you hang in the car from the rear-view mirror.
:'''Carl''': Lemon or strawberry?
:'''Sheen''': Thanks, Carl. Hey, why do you carry those around with you?
:'''Carl''': …'Cause.
:'''Jimmy''': Follow me.
:'''Carl''': Oh, I bet something really bad's gonna happen.
:'''Cindy''': With Nerdtron leading the way, it's a pretty safe bet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Principal Willoughby''': ''[realizing]'' Hold on. We don't have a school tanning salon.
:''[Cut to the kids in an empty chamber in the lost tomb]''
:'''Sheen''': I for one am deeply disappointed. It's just a big empty room.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, the pyramid designers sometimes build ''hundreds'' of empty chambers to confuse grave robbers. So they wander aimlessly for days until they…
:'''Cindy''': ''[interrupting]'' You got ten seconds to get outta here.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Spice jars! If we can gather up enough kaffir lime leaves and dry mustard powder, I can ignite them and blow the door open!
:'''Sheen''': Where do you learn all this stuff, Jimmy?
:'''Jimmy''': That I learned at the library.
:'''Sheen''': Ohh. And the library is a…?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': Okay, this field trip is over. How are you gonna get us out of here, Mr. Tour Guide?
:'''Jimmy''': ''[spooky]'' We don't want to get out of here.
:'''Sheen''': Okay, Jimmy's lost it. I elect myself leader. Everybody start crying and yelling.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[just before they do that]'' No, guys. Look. The queen's burial chamber. Get ready to see a ''real, live'' mummy.
:'''Sheen''': Hey, Jimmy. Was the queen gonna have a garage sale?
:'''Jimmy''': The Egyptians believed in an afterlife, so they preserve their bodies and buried them with their furniture, jewelry, pets…
:'''Sheen''': ''[laughing]'' Man. Those Egyptians were a bunch of whack jobs. But just in case they're right, I'd like to be buried with my Ultra Lord collection.
:'''Carl''': Well, guys, this was fun. ''[laughs nervously]'' Okay, let's all leave in a quite and orderly fashion before we see something ''really'' scary, like… ''[turns around to see…]'' MUMMIES! ''[runs and bumps into Jimmy, who drops the torch and the light goes out]''
:'''Jimmy''': Everybody, shh! Stand still, I'll find my torch. ''[accidentally touches Cindy]''
:'''Cindy''': Ow! That's ''not'' your torch.
:'''Jimmy''': Sorry.
:'''Carl''': Hey, Jimmy, I still got your Electro-Life thingy that makes a light. ''[activates the Electro-Life, lighting up the room, unaware by bringing the three mummies to life]''
:'''Jimmy''': Found it! ''[picks up the torch and lights it up]'' Now let's a take a look at those mummies.
:''[The mummies growl and start moving their bodies]''
:'''Carl''': ''[worriedly frightened]'' J-Jimmy, the mummies are looking at ''us.''
:'''Jimmy''': Impossible.
:'''Libby''': They're moving.
:'''Jimmy''': I did it! My Electro-Life works! I ''can'' bring the dead back to life!
:'''Sheen''': All right! You trampled all over the laws of nature! Way to go!
:'''Cindy''': Yeah, terrific. Now a bunch of dead guys wrapped in toilet paper are gonna kill us.
:'''Carl''': Um, guys, I suggest we… '''RUN!'''
:''[The kids start running as the mummies chase them]''
:'''Sheen''': Jimmy, next time you invite me anywhere, remind me to say no.
:'''Jimmy''': Let's hope there is a next time!
:'''Libby''': ''[to the mummies]'' Hey, guys, I'm related to your queen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': So, this is how it ends. Playing hide and get killed in a tomb in Egypt.
:'''Sheen''': Why must the good die young?!
:'''Carl''': They're coming this way. ''[whispering]'' Everybody stay quiet.
:'''Libby''': Uh, Jimmy, now would be a real time for one of your brain blasts.
:'''Jimmy''': Think, think… Brain blast! Libby, quick, I need you.
:'''Libby''': Why, Jimmy, this is so sudden!
:'''Cindy''': Hey, what's goin' on?
:'''Sheen''': It's the desert love curse. Working its evil ways on Jimmy's heart.
:'''Jimmy''': Libby, you look like the queen. If you pretend to be her, maybe the mummies will obey your command.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Libby''': ''[to the mummies]'' I command you to sleep for 5-
:'''Others''': 10!
:'''Libby''': 15 trillion more years! ''[the mummies snore as they fall asleep]'' Sleep tight, and don't let the scarab bugs bite.
:'''Jimmy''': Carl, give me the Electro-Life.
:'''Carl''': Why, Jimmy?
:'''Jimmy''': Some things should not see the light of day, for who am I, a mere mortal to alter the very laws of mortality.
:'''Cindy''': Good thing we're in a tomb 'cause you're boring us to death.
:''[Jimmy tosses the Electro-Life off aside]''
:'''Sheen''': Hey, guys! I finally found the bathroom! ''[Thump!]'' OW! Why must the good get hit on their heads again?!
:''[Outside the lost tomb, the gang are all in Jimmy's hover car, about to fly back home to Retroville]''
:'''Sheen''': Farewell, cruel desert!
:'''Carl''': Don't forget to write!
:'''Libby''': You know, I think I'm down with this new look. I'm gonna keep it.
:'''Cindy''': ''(sarcastically)'' So, do we have to address you as Queen Libby from now on?
:'''Libby''': ''[giggles]'' No. ''[jokingly]'' &quot;Your Mighty Fine Royal Marvelousness&quot; will do.
:'''Jimmy''': Light speed back to Retroville!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Miss Fowl, we're back!
:'''Others''': ''[annoyed]'' Carl!
:'''Miss Fowl''': ''[waking up along with Principal Willoughby]'' Where have you children been?! I want the truth.
:'''Principal Willoughby''': And I'll have none of this whole &quot;school tanning salon&quot; mumbo-jumbo!
:'''Sheen''': Uh, did I say we were going to the tanning salon? I meant, uh… the bathroom!
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Oh. Well, all right, then.
:'''Carl''': In Egypt. And Libby got to be a queen, and mummies chased us, and we discovered a lost tomb!

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|ch0033574|The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius}}
* [http://www.nick.com/all_nick/tv_supersites/display_show.jhtml?show_id=jim Jimmy Neutron at Nick.com]
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1|1]] [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 2|2]] [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3|3]] | [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius|'''Main''']]
----

'''''[[w:The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius|The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius]]''''' is a show that ran on Nickelodeon from 2002–2006. The show follows the life of genius kid Jimmy Neutron and his friends and family. It is also based on the 2001 CGI film ''[[Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius (film)|Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius]]''.

===''A Beautiful Mine''===
:'''Jimmy''': Take a look, everyone. We're the first humans to set foot on an asteroid.
:'''Sheen''': Wow, fascinating. Okay, I'm bored.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Libby''': Aah! Our rubies!
:'''Jimmy''': These aren't real aster-rubies. They're fool's rubies.
:'''Cindy''': Fool's rubies?
:'''Jimmy''': They're spectral signature is almost identical to aster-rubies. The scanner mistook them for the real thing. Looks like we came all this way for nothing.
:'''Sheen''': Bummer. Can I keep playing with my shovel?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Libby''': How could you misread your own readings?
:'''Cindy''': Yeah, Neutron. I'll bet there are more rocks in your big head than there are in this stupid asteroid. What are we supposed to do now?
:'''Jimmy''': I don't know. We could spend years searching the rest of the belt. We'd just be wasting our time.
:'''Sheen''': Hey, look on the bright side, guys. At least we still have our health. ''[bites his burrito and feels a pain in his tooth]'' Ow! Carl, what did you put in this burrito?!
:'''Carl''': Nothing. Just some rice from the galley and some beans I found growing in the ground.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Libby''': I'll give three seconds to get away from my ruby stash!
:'''Sheen''': What are you talking about? I was just going to the little miner's rooms.
:'''Libby''': Like you had no idea these were here.
:'''Sheen''': Hey, sweet hiding place. My rubies are over there by that strange rock formation. You made me tell! You want my rubies you jewel thief?!
:'''Libby''': Gem stealer!
:'''Carl''': Ruby madness! Ruby madness!
:'''Cindy''': Will you stop shouting that?!
:'''Libby''': Hey tried to raid my ruby stash!
:'''Cindy''': ''[scoffs]'' You told me your stash by the rocket. You lied!
:'''Libby''': So what?! I happened to know you lied about your hiding place!
:'''Cindy''': Liar!
:'''Libby''': Crook!
:'''Carl''': Ruby madness.
:'''Libby, Sheen, and Cindy''': BE QUIET!
:'''Jimmy''': What's wrong with you guys?! You've been fighting ever since we got rid of those stupid bandits. Are we gonna let a few priceless gems turns us into savages?

===''Sorry, Wrong Era''===
:'''High''': Oh, I could do this for hours!
:'''Libby''': Mr. Neutron, please! You're giving us massive brain freeze!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hugh''': ''[low growling, slurping]'' Oh, Sam. I could eat your ice cream all day long. So I think I will. ''[rewinding]''
:'''All''': Ew! That's disgusting! Horrible! Gross!
:'''Sam''': You've been re-eating the same ice cream for hours! It's disgusting-- you're out of here!
:'''Hugh''': ''[gasps]'' You're right Sam. Mustn't overdo a good thing. Well, I'll just be going. Just let me finish my Purple Flurp. ''[belches and repeats]''
:'''All''': Gross. Stop.
:''[Hugh belches and repeats]''
:'''Sam''': Sweet mercy. ''[faints]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Watch out for its retractable claws… unless it spits venom, then watch out for having your eyes dissolved.
:'''Sheen''': Wha -- how can I watch if my eyes are dissolved?
:'''Carl''': No, watch ''before'' they're dissolved!
:'''Sheen''': Watch my eyes? That doesn't make any sense.
:'''Jimmy''': Guys, please!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[The townspeople angrily show up at the Neutron residence, carrying Hugh as Judy opens the door]''
:'''Hugh''': Hi, Sugarbooger. ''[the townspeople set him down]'' Remember how I promised I'd never be brought home by an angry mob again?
:'''Sam''': He disgusted all my customers, yeah!
:'''Libby''': He gave us brain freeze!
:'''Maggie''': He made me experience the miracle of birth again and again and again! ''[breaks down, sobbing]''
:'''Sam''': Yeah, yeah, birth.
:'''Judy''': All right, everyone. I'll handle things from here.
:'''Sam''': Somebody give me a ride home now.
:'''Hugh''': Now, Sugarbooger, I know it looks like I may have misused the power to control time and space for my own advantage, but on the positive side…
:'''Judy''': Mm-hmm. ''[grabs Hugh by the ear]''
:'''Hugh''': Ow! Honey, that's my ear. I use it to listen with. Ow!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Judy puts Hugh in a cage as punishment]''
:'''Jimmy''': What a relief. All the changes we made don't seem to have altered the timeline. ''[enters the house]'' Mom, Dad, I'm back! ''[sees his father in a cage]'' Oh, no! We ''did'' alter the timeline! We created a world where human males are slaves to a race of female warriors!
:'''Sheen''': Oh, no! ''[he and Carl run out of the house to Cindy and Libby]''
:'''Carl''': Have mercy, mighty overlords.
:'''Sheen''': Spare us and we shall serve you well!
:''[Cindy and Libby look at each other, baffled]''
:'''Judy''': Sweetie, relax. I just put your father in there to keep him from annoying the townspeople. Now, you were saying Hugh?
:'''Hugh''': I'm sorry, honey. ''[Judy rewinds]'' I'm sorry, honey. ''[Judy rewinds again]'' I'm sorry, honey.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Whoa! Deja vu!

===''The Retroville 9''===
:''[Sheen catches a ball Jimmy threw]''
:'''Miss Fowl''': Ball three!
:'''Sheen''': Ball 3?! That was right down the middle. I've seen better calls at a square dance!
:'''Miss Fowl''': Jimmy's throwing lollipops. The day he throws down Broadway is the day I dance on the moon!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tremendous Jackson''': Somewhere in the Rytridian Galaxy, Ultralord weeps.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheen''': [Upon seeing Bonzilla] ''That's'' Bonzilla!? What a ripoff! He's only ten inches tall! He's a pipsqueak! He can't even breath fire- [Bonzilla breathes fire at Sheen, causing him to scream in pain] Uh, Jimmy? What's the Japanese word for &quot;ambulance&quot;?

===''Grumpy Young Men''===
:''(Opening shot: Iris into a close up of a purple-yellow monster, cut to a terrified Carl, then a frightened lady, followed by a terrified Sheen, it is revealed to be a poster at a video store visited by Jimmy, Carl and Sheen)''
:'''Jimmy''': I don't know, guys. $15 is a lot of money.
:'''Carl''': Well, Doombringer II is a lot of game, Jim.
:'''Sheen''': Now, remember ''(he takes hand of the said game)'' it's for mature players only, so act even more maturer-er than we usually do. I'll try and grow a mustache. ''(tries to do so, only to realize nothing happens)''
:'''Jimmy''': My dad's over 18. I'll act like him.
:''(Cut to Doombringer II and three dollar bills and four grey coins being placed in the counter by Jimmy with Carl with ice cream in the background)''
:'''Jimmy''': (mature-ish) Well, howdy there, Clerky Clerkotron.
:'''Clerky Clerkotron''': ''(hands the objects)'' Beat it kids, this game is for mature players only, due to violence, exaggerated mayhem and old lady kicking.
:'''Sheen''': That's not fair! We're highly mature! ''(pounds fist)'' I demand my constipational rights! ''(Clerky kicks the boys out of the store; pointing his finger up)'' How dare he throw your father out of the store?!
:'''Jimmy''': Come on guys, Let's go do something &quot;age-appropriate.&quot;
:''(They leave the scene, except for Sheen who gets the rest of his body back to the scene. About to return to the store, with a grin on his face)''
:'''Sheen''': Hey you! Check it out! I'm staring at it with both eyes, and you can't stop me! ''(but the clerk throws the ice cream onto Sheen's eye)'' I stand corrected.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Jimmy screams in the mirror after seeing he's old. Goddard screams like a teen girl after seeing Jimmy old. Doorbell rings. Cuts to Jimmy answering the door, only to scream again.]''
:'''Old Carl''': Jimmy, is that you way over there?
:'''Old Jimmy''': Guys! Something went horribly wrong!
:'''Old Sheen''': Oh, gee you think? And another thing: kids today wear their pants too low! They're down under their stomachs, for cryin' out loud!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Old Carl''': Jimmy, are you sure your mom wants us to drive her car?
:'''Old Jimmy''': Carl, I'm at least 75 years old. I think I can make my own decision.
:'''Old Sheen''': Hey! I know what you're doing! You're trying to take me to the nursing home! ''[pounds on the car's window]'' Let me out! Let me out!
:'''Old Carl''': Sheen, careful! This car's going an excess of 7 miles.
:''[They park into a Candy Bar parking lot]''
:'''Old Sheen''': You know, when I was a kid, the sky was bluer! And a quarter would buy you groceries for a week!
:'''Old Jimmy''': Gas planet. Does anyone remember what we drove down here to get?
:'''Old Carl''': Well, I'd like a canary to talk to while I watch TV and eat soup.
:'''Old Jimmy''': ''[sees a titanium and gift card store across the street]'' Ha! Titanium! That's it! ''[walks slowly to the store]''
:'''Old Sheen''': I think Jimmy wants us to follow him.
:'''Old Carl''': Yeah. 'Course I always wanted to try the senior's buffet at the Candy Bar.
:'''Old Sheen''': Right behind you, my wrinkled friend.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Hey, Oldilocks, what's the big idea, you and your bingo buddy takin' all the rice pudding from the buffet?
:'''Old Sheen''': It says &quot;Seniors Eat Dessert Free&quot;!
:'''Sam''': You're supposed to buy an entree first!
:'''Old Carl''': We did. I had a hamburger in here yesterday.
:''[Carl and Sheen laugh.]''
:'''Old Carl''': Oh, my spleen.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Old Jimmy''': Now, what was it I wanted? Something starting with a &quot;T.&quot; Tostadas, turpentine?
:'''Hugh''': Well, hey, old-timer. I like the way you're wearing your pants. I've been thinking of wearing mine more like that, maybe growing out my nose hair a little bit. You look familiar.
:'''Old Jimmy''': Oh, no, I'm just a strange old man, not your son after screwing up an experiment.
:'''Hugh''': ''[chuckles]'' I know. You remind me of my father, except you're not always saying, &quot;Huey, I told you, toothpaste isn't food.&quot;
:'''Old Jimmy''': Not possible. I don't have any family.
:'''Hugh''': What? Oh, well, that's terrible. Come on. Come with me, I'll get you a nice home-cooked meal.
:'''Old Jimmy''': B-but I can't. I have to buy something with a &quot;T.&quot; 
:'''Hugh''': I'll get you a nice cup of tea.
:'''Old Jimmy''': Let go!
:'''Hugh''': Come on.
:'''Old Jimmy''': I said, let me go!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Judy''': Here's your dinner. I put it in the blender first so the chewing doesn't tire you out.
:'''Hugh''': So what did you do before you retired, old-timer?
:'''Old Jimmy''': I can't even remember what I'm supposed to be doing now, but I think it's real important.
:'''Hugh''': Well, you know, maybe if we guess, it'll jog your memory. Let's see. Did it involve swinging heavy things?
:'''Old Jimmy''': N-No, I don't think so.
:'''Hugh''': Well, that eliminates lumberjack and executioner.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[last lines]''
:'''Jimmy''': Carl, what are you eating?
:'''Carl''': Just some prune whip from you lab.
:'''Jimmy''': Carl, there ''wasn't'' any prune whip. That's my experimental truth telling serum!
:'''Carl''': Oh, Jimmy that's ridic… I stole Jimmy's toast the other day. Sometimes, I dream about girls.
:'''Jimmy''': Maybe we better go.
:'''Carl''': I don't think Ultralord exists…
:'''Sheen''': LALALALALA! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!
:'''Carl''': My mom is really 42. I just ripped--
:'''Sheen''': &lt;big&gt;'''MAKE HIM STOP!'''&lt;/big&gt;

===''Nightmare in Retroville''===
:'''Jimmy''': This is my 27th greatest invention ever. Behold, the Neutronic Monster Maker!
:'''Sheen''': Sweet name.
:'''Jimmy''': Simply select a monster, step under the cone of creation, and it'll realign your molecules to make you look like that monster-- down to each horrifying atom.
:'''Carl''': Cool! But Sheen, you got to promise that when you're scary, you won't scare me.
:'''Sheen''': My word is my bond.
:'''Jimmy''': I've downloaded every monster imaginable. I have 102 different monsters to choose from. Here are your choices. ''[clears throat]'' A werewolf…
:'''Sheen''': That's it-- I want to be the wolf guy!
:'''Jimmy''': Sheen, I have 101 other monsters.
:'''Sheen''': I know, Jimmy, but it's been my lifelong dream to be covered in hair.
:'''Jimmy''': All right, werewolf it is. What about you, Carl? The Hunchback of Notre Dame?
:'''Carl''': Uh… too hunchy.
:'''Jimmy''': The blob?
:'''Carl''': Too blobby.
:'''Jimmy''': The Phantom of the Opera?
:'''Carl''': Too Opera-y.
:'''Jimmy''': Frankenstein?
:'''Sheen''': &quot;Frahnkenshteen.&quot;
:'''Carl''': No, I don't like his wardrobe. I'm more of a summer. ''[gasps]'' Who's the guy with the cape?
:'''Jimmy''': Dracula.
:'''Carl''': Yeah, he has a cape. I want to be Dracula!
:'''Jimmy''': All right, Dracula and a werewolf it is.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vampire Carl''': I want more! I need blood!
:'''Sheen''': You need counseling.
:'''Vampire Carl''': Must have blood! Listen to them, the children of the night. What music they make. I must join them! ''[changes into his bat form and flies away]'' Bye, you guys! See you later!
:'''Sheen''': That was weird. But totally awesome! I wanna turn into a bat! I wanna fly! Make me a bat, Jimmy! Make me a bat!
:'''Jimmy''': I didn't do that! Carl just changed into a vampire bat on his own.
:'''Sheen''': But it's Halloween. What do you expect?
:'''Jimmy''': The monster maker must've mutated Carl's molecular structure on a subatomic level, altering his DNA!
:'''Sheen''': And now again in English.
:'''Jimmy''': He's a ''real'' vampire!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': This is going to be a memorable Halloween, Goddard… if we survive.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': I can't believe Carl and Sheen turned into a real vampire and werewolf! I've got to capture them and turn them back. Goddard, access vampire data so I know what I'm dealing with. ''[Goddard does so]'' '''&quot;Vampires feed on the blood of the living. They can turn their victims into vampires and are repelled by garlic. They can only be destroyed by a wooden stake driven into their heart.&quot;''' What have you got on werewolves?
:'''Miss Fowl''': ''[dressed as a fortune teller; mysteriously]'' Even a man who is pure of heart, and says his prayers by night, may become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms, and the autumn moon is bright.
:'''Jimmy''': Uh… hi, Miss Fowl. How do you know about werewolves?
:'''Miss Fowl''': I was married to one, but that's a story for a another day.
:'''Jimmy''': Uh, anything else I should know?
:'''Miss Fowl''': Well, they can turn other people into werewolves by biting them, and they can only be destroyed by a silver…
:'''Jimmy''': Bullet?
:'''Miss Fowl''': Cane, spoon, hairbrush-- anything else silver. Okay, Happy Halloween. Don't forget to floss.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vampire Carl''': Look into my eyes. I mean, if you don't mind.
:'''Cindy''': Why the heck would…
:'''Vampire Carl''': Look into my eyes!
:'''Cindy''': ''[being hypnotized]'' Yes, master.
:'''Vampire Carl''': What is your blood type?
:'''Cindy''': A-positive, master.
:'''Vampire Carl''': Mmm, how positively delicious. ''[hisses and bites her neck as she screams, turning her into a vampire]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vampire Cindy''': Libby, did you do something to your hair?
:'''Werewolf Libby''': No. Are you using teeth whitener?
:'''Vampire Cindy''': Look into my eyes.
:'''Werewolf Libby''': No way! You look into ''my'' eyes while I take a big old bite out of you!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Judy''': ''[angrily whistles, stopping the fighting]'' Stop fighting! You should be ashamed. Now you work this out among yourselves. I'm going home to hand out fruit snacks. I'll see you later, Hugh Neutron.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': Great flipping toadstools! Real monsters! We gotta destroy them! Quick go get some angry villagers, some torches, garlic, silver junk, and a beautiful red-headed woman named Tessie!
:'''Miss Fowl''': We don't need a beautiful red-headed woman named Tessie.
:'''Sam''': Speak for yourself.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Carl''': Hey, I don't want to drink blood anymore.
:'''Cindy''': Yuck-- me neither.
:'''Sheen''': Huh. I've lost all desire to consume human flesh.
:'''Hugh''': Hey, I can speak in complete sentences. Now, where's my scary little Sugarbooger?
:'''Judy''': ''[holding a plate of banana balls and prune puffs]'' Right here, you monster. Who's up for banana balls and prune puffs?
:''[Everyone expresses in disgust]''
:'''Cindy''': We want Candy.
:'''Libby''': We never got to go trick-or-treating.
:'''Sheen''': And we left behind all our candy when we changed into monsters.
:'''Carl''': I bet it's gone by now.
:'''Hugh''': No candy on Halloween? That is scary.
:'''Octopus Man Jimmy''': Don't worry. ''I'' can fix that.

===''Monster Hunt''===
:'''Jimmy''': Carl, Sheen, to the lake! ''[cut to Carl screaming as they're at the lake]'' You gonna keep doing that?
:'''Carl''': I'm sorry, Jim. I just have some bad associations with this lake.
:'''Sheen''': Everyone has something they're afraid of Carl. For me, it's the crawl space under grandma's house. For you, it's a stupid lake!
:'''Jimmy''': What happened here, Carl?
:'''Carl''': Well, two years ago, I came here with my pet turtle, Snappy. He was my best friend, but I was allergic to him. So I had to release him right here on this beach. And ever since, the lake has filled me with feelings of nausea, blind terror, and then more nausea.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
'''Carl''': [''sees Captain Betty for the first time''] '''LAKE PIRATE'''!

===''Jimmy for President''===
:'''Carl''': '''''AAAAH!''''' ''[gets down on his knees to Miss Fowl]'' Cindy gave me a dollar to vote for Libby, Sheen was blackmailing me with a photo, and Jimmy was playing the best friend card and using scantily clad women!
:'''Miss Fowl''': ''[angrily glares at Jimmy, Sheen, Cindy, and Libby; The three whistle while Cindy checks her nails]'' It looks like some of our candidates have been found guilty of bribery, blackmail, and &lt;u&gt;''MURDER!''&lt;/u&gt; ''[class screams]'' Sorry, not murder. I meant operating a zeppelin on school premises. Anyway, they're all illegal campaign activities, which means Jimmy, '''''SHEEN''''' and Libby have been disqualified!

===''Return of the Nanobots''===

===''Holly Jolly Jimmy''===
:'''Cindy''': ''[as Santa gives both her and Libby lumps of coal]'' A lump of coal?!
:'''Libby''': Do me a favor-- the next time I suggest we humiliate somebody, '''DON'T LISTEN!'''

===''Love Potion #976/J''===
:'''Jimmy''': This is dumb. The only female I've ever been attracted to is [[w: Marie Curie|Madame Curie]], the mother of modern radiology-- in a purely platonic way, of course.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Carl''': ''[singing]'' Oh, Judy, well you came and you make me some cookies? Will you- ''[sees Hugh is walking out, gasps]'' What we have is beautiful and you can't destroy it.
:'''Hugh''': Alrighty then.
:''[Carl dings the triangle 6 times.]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Britney &amp; Libby''': Ahh!
:'''Jimmy''': I can't talk, I can't think. Everywhere I go, you're there!
:'''Cindy''': What kind of sick joke is this?
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, you're gonna make me say it, aren't you? Alright then, I'll say it.....I love you Cindy Vortex! ''[echoes]''
:''[Cindy, Britney and Libby gasp. They all laugh. Cindy splats ice cream in Jimmy's face. Sam stops laughing and mad walks to Jimmy.]''
:'''Jimmy''': Mmm… pecan ripple your favorite.
:'''Sam''': You messy little hooligan! I just cleaned that floor 8 months ago! You're out of here! Yeah, yeah.

===''Sheen's Brain''===
:'''Sheen''': Hey, guys! Man, that test was cake! I didn't know whether to answer the questions to put frosting on 'em, am I right? Am I right?
:'''Jimmy''': Actually, Sheen, I thought it was fairly challenging.
:'''Sheen''': Challenging? My grandma's Chihuahua could've aced it. I thought connect-the-dots drawings that were harder.
:'''Miss Fowl''': ''[sticking out of the classroom door]'' SHEEN!!!
:'''Sheen''': Exqueeze me, Miss Fowl probably wants to congratulate me on a job well done.
:''[Cut to Sheen's failed history test up-close, with every question answered in Ultra Lord themed topics]''
:'''Jimmy and Carl''': Quadruple F-minus?
:'''Sheen''':  Well, how was I supposed to know Ultra Lord wasn't the father of our country? That's what it says on the Ultra Lord website!
:'''Jimmy''': Wait, didn't ''you'' write the Ultra Lord website?
:'''Sheen''': Your point? ''[Jimmy rolls his eyes]'' Oh. Anyway, Miss Fowl said if I don't pass tomorrow's math final, I'm gonna be left back!
:'''Jimmy''': Left back?! That's terrible!
:'''Sheen''': Tell me about it! I can't be in a class with a bunch of babies who wet their pants and cry for their mommies!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[The Candy Bar; Sheen, with his head increased in size, is having an argument with Sam over a jar of jelly beans]''
:'''Sheen''': I said, give me my free sundae!
:'''Sam''': And I said there's no way you could've known there were 12,082 beans in that jar without cheating, yeah!
:'''Sheen''': I told you, I used a complex algorithm, based on the dimensions of the jar!
:'''Sam''': Uh-huh. Yesterday you thought seashells were money. Today you're using algorithms?
:'''Sheen''': Yesterday, I wasn't a genius! Now give me my ice cream, monkey boy! ''[grabs and pulls Sam by the shirt; turns around to Carl]'' I heard that, Carl!
:'''Carl''': I didn't say anything.
:'''Sheen''': I heard your thoughts! You think I'm being an annoying doofus?! ''[turns back around]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[arrives with the Brain Drain helmet]'' Carl, I found the Brain Drain helmet and got here as fast as I… ''[notices Sheen's increased head]'' Leapin' leptons! What happened to Sheen's head?!
:'''Cindy''': Neutron, this has ''your'' stink all over it!
:'''Carl''': Jimmy, Sheen's brain is still growing! And he's also being an annoying doofus.
:'''Sheen''': I knew it!
:'''Jimmy''': Sheen, the math test is over, so it's time to turn you back to normal.
:'''Sheen''': I don't want to go back! I'm seeing things clearly for the first time! Besides, everyone ''loves'' the new me!
:'''Jimmy, Carl, Cindy, Libby, Nick, and Butch''': NO, WE DON'T!
:'''Sheen''': '''SILENCE!!!'''
:''[All the lights in the Candy Bar go out]''
:'''Jimmy''': Trust me, Sheen. You don't want to be a genius, always having to help people with homework…
:'''Libby''': Always endangering the town with your stupid inventions…
:'''Cindy''': Always being a pain in the butt…
:'''Jimmy''': Nobody asked you! ''(to Sheen)'' So I'm just gonna put this helmet back on your head, and--
:'''Sheen''': Don't come any closer, Neutron!
:'''Jimmy''': Butch, Nick, grab him!
:''[Butch and Nick grab hold of him by one hand of the other]''
:'''Sheen''': ''(maliciously)'' You disappoint me, Jimmy. ''[pushes Jimmy backwards across the floor as it breaks up in a line and starts laughing evilly with an evil grin; after commercial break, telekinetically pushes out Butch and Nick]''
:'''Sam''': Hey, little big head! I just cleaned there!
:'''Sheen''': ''[rising from his seat and into the air]'' My intelligence is wasted here! I should be building empires, commanding armies! Today Retroville, tomorrow, '''''THE WORLD!''''' ''[conjures up a ball of lighting in his hands, launches it at the ceiling, creating a big hole, and flies out of the Candy Bar at vast speed]''
:'''Libby''': Don't tell me that's just hormones.
:'''Jimmy''': I don't understand it! I was only trying to boost his IQ so he'd pass the math test!
:'''Cindy''': Oh! ''[gets in his face]'' Is that all? And what if we all went around freakishly enlarging our friends' heads, huh?!
:'''Butch''': Ooh! Me first! Me first! ''[pause; confused]'' Was that a rhetorical question?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Jimmy's lab]''
:'''Jimmy''': Vox, analyze Brain Gain helmet to determine maximum possible IQ increase.
:'''Vox''': Analyzing…
:''[The Maximum IQ counter on the lower right begins to count rapidly as the model of Sheen's head starts increasing to bigger size; the counter stops displaying three infinity symbols]''
:'''Jimmy''': It's just like I feared! If left unchecked, Sheen's IQ will keep growing to infinity!
:'''Carl''': Wow, he'll be ''really'' good at board games.
:'''Jimmy''': No, Carl. You don't understand. Sheen's brain is programmed to keep growing. If we don't get that Brain Drain helmet on him soon, his head will '''explode'''.
:'''Carl''': (''screams terrifyingly'') Ewwwwww.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Hail, mighty overlord!
:'''Sheen''': What the…?
:'''Jimmy''': We have brought you a magnificent crown, crafted from the finest semiprecious metals, to celebrate your glorious reign.
:'''Sheen''': Hmm… It is rather fetching. Bestow it on my head! Not you… (''points at Carl'') Carl.
:'''Carl''': ''Baby llamas in the meadow. Baby llamas in the meadow. Oh no. One of them's escaping! He's heading towards town! &quot;Town&quot; rhymes with &quot;crown&quot;! '''JIMMY AND I DISGUISED THE BRAIN DRAIN HELMET AS A CROWN!!!'''''
:'''Sheen''': I heard that!
:'''Jimmy''': Sheen, please, we're trying to help you! Your brain is growing at a dangerously fast pace!
:'''Sheen''': Silence! You have plotted against the overlord! Your insolence has angered me!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sheen''': I control the wind, and I shall rain fire down from the heavens! Goodbye, Sheen the overlord! Hello, Sheen '''''THE GOD!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sheen''': ''[in a loud, demonic booming voice]'' YOU ''DARE'' TO ORDER ME?! &lt;big&gt;'''FEEL THE WRATH OF MY BRAIN BOLT!!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;

===''MaternoTron Knows Best''===
:'''Judy''': Here are your dinners. ''[sets the plates down on the table, releasing the serving covers]'' A ham and macaroni choo-choo for Hugh with cauliflower chimney smoke. For Jimmy, scallopini pfeffernüsse with mashed potatoes in the shape of Einstein's hair. And for me, a sandwich.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[as Judy enters the kitchen with her suitcase]'' Mom? Are you going on a trip?
:'''Judy''': Oh, you noticed. Well, since you asked, I'm going to a spa for a week to be pampered unmercifully.
:'''Hugh''': Hughsy-doodles is confused.
:'''Judy''': I'm sick of being unappreciated and doing all the work around here. ''[takes out her chores list]'' Here are the chores I do every week to keep this place up and running. You two are going to have to do every one of them while I'm gone. Good-bye. ''[slams the door and leaves]''
:'''Jimmy''': Whoa! No Mom for a week?
:'''Hugh''': No one to tell us your bath is ready?
:'''Jimmy''': Or make us change our clothes. Or make us leave the lab and come to dinner.
:'''Hugh''': No one to tell us you can't have pizza for every meal, or say, &quot;Hugh, put down that duck and talk to me for once.&quot;
:'''Jimmy''': We're free man! Masters of our own destiny. We rule this house.
:'''Hugh''': We, uh… well, once we finish the chores.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, yeah. What's the first one?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Neutron dining room, evening]''
:'''Hugh''': So how's that week's worth of chores coming, Robo-booger?
:'''MaternoTron''': All chores were completed at 1700 hours this evening.
:'''Jimmy''': Good work, Materno-Tron. Assume Sleep Mode until the next mealtime.
:'''MaternoTron''': Negative. A mother's work is never done. A mother must Protect and Pamper,
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, yeah. ''[clears throat]'' Override Maternal chip directives until further notice.
:'''MaternoTron''': Don't use that tone of voice with me, young man. Now eat! ''[releases the serving covers on Jimmy and Hugh's plates]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[horrified]'' Leaping leptons! I said &quot;water&quot; the lawn, not &quot;cook&quot; it! What is this stuff?
:'''MaternoTron''': Soy protein, kelp, tilapia oil, and spinach for flavor.
:'''Hugh''': Sugarbooger's dinners never smelled quite so… how do I put it? Disgusting.
:'''MaternoTron''': ''[scoops up the kelp with a ladle]'' This is the train and your mouth is the tunnel.
:'''Hugh''': No thanks. See, my tunnel is temporarily closed for rep- ''[MaternoTron stuffs the ladle into his mouth]''
:'''Jimmy''': I must have set the autonomy parameter in the mothering chip too high. She really thinks she's Mom.
:'''MaternoTron''': ''[stuffs another ladle into Jimmy's mouth]'' And after dinner… ''[takes out a scrubbing brush with eyes glowing red]'' '''''your baths.''''' ''[Jimmy and Hugh react with fright; Master bedroom bathroom, she scrubs Hugh as he screams and moans]'' HOLD STILL!
:'''Hugh''': ''[screaming and moaning]'' Not the face!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''MaternoTron''': Where you going?
:'''Jimmy''': Oh. Um, well I left my homework in the lab.
:'''MaternoTron''': Too many wires. You'll electrocute your eye out. Bedtime!
:'''Jimmy''':  What? But it's only 7:00!
:'''MaternoTron''': March!
:''[Jimmy's bedroom; the time on his alarm clock switches from 7:00 pm to one minute later]''
:'''Jimmy''': But I'm not tired!
:'''MaternoTron''': Then I must ''rock'' you to sleep. ''[picks Jimmy up and rocks him at rapid speed]'' ♪ Rock-a-bye Jimmy on the treetop. Tomorrow more kelp till your pant buttons pop. ♪ Are you tired yet?
:'''Jimmy''': ''[dizzy]'' And nauseous.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''MaternoTron''': ''[to Jimmy and Hugh]'' Where do you think you're going?
:'''Jimmy''': Outside?
:'''MaternoTron''': Too dangerous! Outside is where the Civil War was held! ''[walks in front of the front door, blocking it]'' I'm placing you both on… ''[in malicous evil tone with red eyes]'' ''LOCKDOWN!''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Carl''': ''[after circle fade-out]'' Uh, Sheen.
:''[Fades in to Carl and Sheen taking a survey near Jimmy's lab at night]''
:'''Carl''': What was the answer you chosen for question 319?
:'''Sheen''': C.: Lure the tiger away from Jimmy by imitating a chicken strip.
:'''Carl''': ''[smiles]'' Hmm! Works for me.

===''Send in the Clones''===
:'''Judy''': Where do you think you're going, young man? Here's your list of Saturday chores.
:''[Goddard grabs the chores list with his mouth]''
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;Mail letter at post office; Sit with Grandma in the park; Pick up Dad's badminton shoes; Drop off a pie at school; And take a book to Cindy Vortex's mother?!&quot; But, Mom, I can't do that! I have to get into space, now!
:'''Judy''': Chores, first. Space travel, ''later.''
:'''Jimmy''': Goddard, options! '''&quot;Hire temporary help to do chores at $15.75/hour.&quot;''' Too expensive. '''&quot;Use boyish charm to outwit parental unit.&quot;''' I don't have time. '''&quot;Clone thyself.&quot;''' Yes! We'll have to do it mega fast!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[One by one, the Jimmy clones emerge]''
:'''Happy Jimmy''': Hi, everybody! Isn't it a super, amazing, great day?
:'''Gloomy Jimmy''': ''[stifled grunt]'' You call this a great day? ''[sniffs]'' I should have stayed in bed!
:'''Romantic Jimmy''':  Ah, but romance is in ze air, eh? It is a beautiful day to fall in love, ''n'est-ce pas?''
:'''Funny Jimmy''': ''[laughing]'' Hey, everybody! It's great to be here for Line-up Night! Hey, have you seen that Cindy Vortex? Talk about the Wicked Witch of the Elementary. ''[Laughs]'' Hey, but seriously, these are the jokes, folks, come on, laugh with me.
:''[Goddard plays a laugh track]''
:'''Cool Jimmy''': Hey! Who's up for some football, huh?
:'''Evil Jimmy''': Nice place, kid. You know, I could have some serious fun with this stuff... ''[snickers]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[All clones watch Jimmy blast off outside]''
:'''Evil Jimmy''': Hey, you heard the man: do your chores, boys.
:'''Gloomy Jimmy''': But I've never mailed a letter! What if I get my hand stuck in the box?!
:'''Happy Jimmy''': Hey, turn that frown upside down, Mr. Gloomy Gus! Everything's gonna be terrific!
:'''Romantic Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' ''Mais oui!'' Love is all around us.
:'''Cool Jimmy''': 'Ey! Let's do it to it!
:'''Funny Jimmy''': And awaaay we go!
:''[Granny Neutron is sitting on a bench at the park as Happy Jimmy shows up]''
:'''Happy Jimmy''': Hello, grandmother, dear.
:'''Granny''': Where have you been? This bench is too hard. These birds are getting too close. The sun hurts my eyes.
:'''Happy Jimmy''': Isn't it a beautiful day? Aren't these birds absolutely amazing? Isn't it great to be alive?!
:''[Cut to Gloomy Jimmy at a mailbox getting his hand stuck]''
:'''Gloomy Jimmy''': Ow…
:'''Carl''': Oh, hi, Jimmy. I have to do a report on snails or Napoleon. Can you help me?
:'''Gloomy Jimmy''': What's the point of doing homework? We do it and then what? Poof, We're gone. Nothingness, emptiness. We're all just dust in the wind.
:'''Carl''': Okay, I..I don't want to be dust in the wind.
:''[Cut to Cool Jimmy walking downtown with Disco music playing]''
:'''Cool Jimmy''': He shoots, he scores. Neutron is definitely on. Lookin' good. You the man, you the man. 'Ey, it's the Nicksta.
:'''Nick''': Neutron? What are you doing?!
:'''Cool Jimmy''': I'm walkin' here! You got a problem wit' dat, Skateboard Boy!?!
:'''Nick''': Uh, &quot;Skateboard Boy&quot;? ''[Macho Jimmy skates on Nick's skate board]'' Whoa, check it out! Neutron has the moves! ''[crunching, skateboard breaks in two]''
:'''Cool Jimmy''': Well, how 'bout next time you get a board that can handle the Neutron style? Later, Nick-O-Rama.
:''[Nick looks angrily in Cool Jimmy's direction]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sheen''': &quot;I am Ultra Lord, and I will swing my mighty bat of combat!&quot; &quot;You can't catch me!&quot; &quot;Yes, I can!&quot; Hey, hey, Jimmy, want to see my new action figure?
:'''Funny Jimmy''': Do I? Come on, does Robin Hood wear a pantyhose? Hey, why did Ultra Lord cover himself with mayonnaise? ''[Sheen looks awkwardly at Funny Jimmy]'' He wanted to make a hero sandwich! ''[laughs]'' Hello! ''[knocking on Sheen's head]'' Anybody in there? Paging Mr. Sheen. The village called. They want their idiot back.
:'''Sheen''': Are you okay, Jimmy? 'Cause you seem really weird.
:'''Funny Jimmy''': ''I'm'' weird?! ''[laughing]'' Come o-o-o-o-on! You should see Ultra Lord's uncle Morris!
:''[Cuts to Romantic Jimmy walking to Cindy's house, smiling to the camera, and ringing Cindy's doorbell]''
:'''Cindy''': ''[sighs]'' Whad'ya want, Neutron?
:'''Romantic Jimmy''': To return a book and to drink in your beauty, Miss Vortex.
:'''Cindy''': Very funny.
:'''Romantic Jimmy''': I jest not. Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Not even Shakespeare seems inadequate to describe your perfection!
:'''Cindy''': Cut it out, Neutron, before I barf!
:'''Romantic Jimmy''': Ah, ah, ah! But before zat, would you favor me wiz a kiss?
:''[Romantic Jimmy tries to kiss Cindy, but has the door closed on him and faints.]''
:'''Cindy''': Is he for real? And what's with the bad French accent? ''[opens door after hearing music]''
:'''Romantic Jimmy''': ''[Guitar playing]'' ''[singing]'' Oh, Cindy, I love you, more than [[Albert Einstein]]'s theory of relativity. Oh, Cindy, ma cherie, [laughs] my little Cindy. Would you please come and kiss me? ''[Cindy faints to French Jimmy's surprise]'' Wait, why are you sleeping?
:''[Cuts to Evil Jimmy holding a pie as a man walks up to him]''
:'''Evil Jimmy''': Hey, buddy, want a pie?
:'''Man''': Yeah!
:'''Evil Jimmy''': ''[splats pie in the man's face, snickers]'' You can't beat the classics!
:'''Man''': ''[licks face]'' Mmm… ''[gives Thumbs up]'' I'll say.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[The citizens clamor angrily at Hugh for what the Jimmy clones did]''
:'''Hugh''': Calm down, folks. Now, just tell me, what did the Jimster do?
:'''Nick''': He busted my skateboard, dude!
:'''Carl''': He said I was gonna to be &quot;dust in the wind&quot;.
:'''Granny''': He made me smile and my dentures fell out! ''[pulls out her dentures]''
:'''Sheen''': He mocked Ultra Lord's family!
:'''Cindy''': He made my heart sing and-- I mean, he said things to me so vile and despicable I cannot repeat them in mixed company.
:'''Pie-face Man''': And, he threw a pie in my face!
:'''Hugh''': ''[Chuckles]'' You can't beat the classics. ''[Pie-face Man growls]'' I'm sure Jimmy had a good reason for doing all these admittedly strange, bizarre things, so…who wants pie?
:''[All growling]''
:'''Pie-face Man''': ''[Spits]'' I'm good.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, no! It was the clones! I gotta find them. Goddard, activate clone locator!
:''(Goddard's chest show a map with Jimmy's head representing the clones, pinging)''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Jimmy uses the ice crystals on the clones, freezing them]''
:'''Funny Jimmy:''' That's all, folks!
:'''Romantic Jimmy:''' ''Adieu, mon ami!'' Parting is such sweet… Whoo, that is cold!
:'''Cool Jimmy:''' Yo, give me your best shot, punk!
:'''Gloomy Jimmy:''' Oh, this is how it ends… as ice cubes!
:'''Happy Jimmy:''' I've always ''wanted'' to be frozen! This is a dream come true!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Carl''': There he is!
:'''Sheen''': Get him!
:'''Cindy''': Let's teach him a lesson!
:'''Nick''': I'll hold him down, man!
:'''Carl''': Yeah! Come on!
:'''Jimmy''': WAIT, everyone! I can explain…''[4 Hours Later]''…and that's how it all happened.
:'''Pie-face Man''': Hmm, genetic replicants manifesting mutant side effects, eh?
:'''Cindy''': As long as you got rid of all the clones. One Jimmy Neutron in the world is bad enough, but six is blech!
:'''Nick''': Uh, dude, you did catch all of them, didn't you?
:'''Jimmy''': Uh… who would like some pie at my house?
:'''Carl''': Uh, okay.
:'''Evil Jimmy''': Here's Jimmy! (''laughs evilly'')
:'''Everybody''': ''[to Jimmy; annoyed with anger]'' Neutron!
:'''Jimmy''': (''nervously'') So, uh, I take it that means no pie? ''[screams and he and Goddard make a run for it as they start chasing him]''
:'''Pie-face Man''': Get him!
:'''Cindy &amp; Sheen''': Yeah, get him!
:'''Granny''': Rip off his head!
:''[Evil Jimmy stares evilly at the viewers and throws a cherry pie at the camera, ending the episode]''

===''The Great Egg Heist''===

===''The Feud''===
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Hey, Neutron. Just trimming the old hedges before they start throwing off pollens for us.
:'''Hugh''': Wheezer, I'm going to need my Lawnlopper back.
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Well, Gee, Neutron. I gave that thing back weeks ago. You must have forgot.
:'''Hugh''': Forgot about my Lawnlopper 300 Pro-Deluxe as seen on TV?! I don't think so.
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Well, It's probably in your garage. Why don't you check?
:'''Hugh''': It's probably in your garage. I'll just go get it.
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Hey! I already told you, I gave it back, you wingding.
:'''Hugh''': And I'm telling you you didn't, toolhog.
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Cheese-brain!
:'''Hugh''': Sneeze-jockey!
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Noodlehead!
:'''Hugh''': Just because my lawn is lush and silky while yours is limp and hard to manage…
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': What?! There's nothing wrong with my lawn.
:'''Hugh''': Oh, please! Dandelions, gopher holes, and these tacky ceramic lawn kitties-- please!
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Oh, yeah?! Well, what about your stupid lawn ducks? They're the laughing stock of the entire neighborhood.
:'''Hugh''': No, you put that down right now!
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Hey, look at me-- quack, quack, quack. I'm a stupid lawn duck-- quack, quack… whoops.
:'''Hugh''': Sir Quacksalot! ''[smash, screams]''
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Oopsy.

===''Out, Darn Spotlight''===
:'''Nick''': ''[screams as he flies through the air]'' DUDE!! Oh, man, I broke my leg!
:'''Sheen''': All right! That's good luck! Way to go, Nick!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Uh, Jimmy, I thought we agreed that we didn't like girls.
:'''Jimmy''': We don't. Betty is a woman.
:'''Sheen''': Got it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Hey, Jimmy, I just found out that the play Macbeth has a curse, and you're not supposed to say &quot;Macbeth,&quot; 'cause if you say &quot;Macbeth,&quot; bad things happen because you said &quot;Macbeth,&quot; and we've been saying &quot;Macbeth&quot; a lot. And congratulations on getting the part of Macbeth! ''[gasps]'' I SAID &quot;MACBETH&quot;!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Vortex''': My daughter, Cynthia is the star of the show.
:'''Hugh''': She's Macbeth?
:'''Mrs. Vortex''': No, she's a witch.
:'''Judy''': ''[rolls her eyes]'' So I hear.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': Can I have a mocha espresso with plenty of sugar?
:'''Cindy''': Yeah, right.

===''The Junkman Cometh''===
:'''Brobot''': ''[on screen; static]'' Jim… my. Jimmy, help!
:'''Jimmy''': Uh… was that Brobot?
:'''Carl''': You mean that annoying robot you made 'cause you wanted a little brother who drove you crazy, so made robot parents and sent 'em off to the moon?
:'''Brobot''': The Moony Men are attacking us! Help us, Jimmy!
:'''Carl''': Yep, that was him.
:'''Jimmy''': So, what's everyone want to drink? I got Classic Purple Flurp, Diet Purple Flurp, and new improved Purple Flurp with more purple.
:'''Sheen''': Jimmy, aren't you gonna help Brobot?
:'''Jimmy''': No, I'm not gonna help him. He was a major pain. 
:'''Carl''': But he's your brother!
:'''Sheen''': Yeah, he's your own nuts and bolts and circuits!
:'''Carl''': You gotta save him before the Moony Men rip him apart limb by limb!
:'''Jimmy''': Brobot can take care of himself. I provided him with self-preservation circuitry.
:'''Brobot''': Jimmy, I forgot to tell you-- they've disabled my self-preservation circuitry.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh. I guess we're going to the moon. ''[Carl and Sheen gasp]'' Come on, guys.
:'''Carl''': What? I'm not going.
:'''Sheen''': Yeah, what are you nuts?! There's Moony Men up there!
:'''Jimmy''': Well, I'm not going alone, so we're just gonna sit here till you guys decide what you want to do.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sheen''': Hey, Jimmy, I've got something to ask you. How come whenever we're in outer space, we don't have to wear helmets?
:'''Jimmy''': Good question, Sheen, and the answer is quite interesting. You see --
:''[He starts explaining, but Carl's singing drowns it out.]''
:'''Carl''': ''[singing over]'' Moon, moon, moon! Spoon, spoon, spoon! June, June, June! Spittoon, spittoon, spittoon!
:'''Sheen''': Uh, really?
:'''Jimmy''': Mm-hmm.
:'''Sheen''': But how come we don't need oxygen tanks?
:'''Jimmy''': Well --
:'''Carl''': ''[singing over]'' ♪ Star, star, star! You're so far, far, far! Can't go by car, car, car! ♪
:'''Sheen''': Fascinating. Thanks.
:'''Jimmy''': Any other questions.
:'''Sheen''': No, I kinda got a headache.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sheen''': Uh, so, Jimmy, how come it takes astronauts days to go to and from the moon, when it only takes us a few minutes?
:'''Jimmy''': That's another good question. You see, it all has to do --
:'''Carl''': ''[singing over]'' Good-bye, Moon, I'll see you next June! Call the Milky for us soon, and --
:'''Sheen''': CARL! Enough with the song!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Brobot saved us, we save his parents.

===''Foul Bull''===

===''The Science Fair Affair ''===

===''Men At Work''===
:'''Jimmy''': ''[annoyingly imitating Skeet]'' &quot;No human brain can add three things, dude. Only the machine knows the tax, dude.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Skeet''': Picture of money… picture of money… Ha! Got you! Big McThankies from McSpanky's. Hey, dude, you missed a spot.
:'''Jimmy''': I got it. Just a little sodium chloride.
:'''Skeet''': Actually, dude, it's &quot;salt.&quot;
:'''Jimmy''': That's what I said. Sodium chloride.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Skeet''': You're quitting?! But dude, you're the first guy who fit in the costume.
:'''Jimmy''': I'm not quitting-- quite the opposite. I intend to show you all what I am capable of.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Easy, Goddard. It's just a giant mechanical Scotsman's head. But by tomorrow, it's gonna be smarter than Skeet. Come to think it, it's smarter than Skeet now.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Carl''': Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Neutron. I have crippling depression
:'''Judy''': My goodness! You boys have turned this place into quite the hot spot.
:'''Carl''': Yup-- hope you enjoy it. Um… hold up, Mr. Neutron.
:'''Hugh''': What… I'm with her.
:'''Carl''': Whoa, whoa, whoa-- back it up, chief. Hmm… yeah… nope, sorry, not feeling it.
:'''Hugh''': What do you mean?
:'''Carl''': Don't make me spell it out, Mr. N., but your outfit just isn't saying McSpanky's to me.
:'''Hugh''': Oh, really? Well, maybe because it's too busy saying, &quot;Step aside, Mr… Sassymouth before I tell your parents!&quot;
:'''Carl''': Go ahead-- I turned them away two hours ago.
:'''Hugh''': That's just terrible. How could you… Hey, look, a famous movie star!
:'''Carl''': Where? Where?
:'''Hugh''': ''[snickers]'' Sucker.
:'''Carl''': What, I don't see anybody… Oh, I see him! Hi! No, that's not him.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': I think McSpanky's is trying to destroy all its competition until it's the only restaurant in town!
:'''Carl''': We've gotta stop it!
:'''Sheen''': Yeah! Does that mean no more tips?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Well, that's the ''last'' fast food place in town. At least now it'll land and I an rip out it's programming. ''[looks at his GPS to see that McSpanky's is headed directly to the supermarket]'' Hey, what's it doing?!
:'''Carl''': It's headed for the supermarket!
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, no! It's not satisfied in destroying restaurants, it's gonna destroy ''any'' place that sells food!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sheen''': A king Arthur with a hipper placement on a bed of ''coals?''

===''The Mighty Wheezers''===
:'''Judy''': Now, Jimmy, I want you to behave yourself at the Wheezer's this weekend.
:'''Jimmy''': Don't worry, Mom. Everything will be fine. I've been looking forward to this for weeks.
:'''Carl''': It'll be just like having a brother who looks nothing like me and has a different last name.
:'''Sheen''': ''[slightly annoyed]'' Man, you guys are so lucky! I have to stay home and loofah my grandma's cankles.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sheen''': Bye, guys. Have fun while I'm cankling.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mrs, Wheezer''': Sounds like my men are hungry!
:'''Jimmy''': Uh… what is this, Mrs. Wheezer?
:'''Mrs. Wheezer''': Fiber loaf à la king-- a hypoallergenic protein substitute.
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': You see Jimmy, the Mrs. and I are allergic to most, meat, fish, grain, dairy, fruit, vegetable, and jalapeño-based food products.
:'''Carl''': Eat it, Jimmy, before it gets damp.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mrs. Wheezer''': You boys sleep tight, now.
:'''Jimmy''': But it's only 7:30!
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Now, Jimmy, early to bed, early to rise makes a man less prone to bronchial infection.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': This is ridiculous. Allergies, germs, constricted nighttime airways… what's next?!
:'''Carl''': ''[wiping his hand on Jimmy's face]'' Do not fear. Only I can tame Sancho the Wonder Llama.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[losing it]'' That's it! ''[gets up and runs out]'' I can't take it anymore!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[holding a caplet pill]'' Here we are, Goddard-- total health-boost caplets. The Wheezers have sneezed their ''last'' sneeze. At least for the weekend.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sheen''': Jimmy! I saw the whole thing! Carl and his folks have become Ultra-Wheezers! How cool is that?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Come on, family! We're gonna climb Mt. Incredibly Unstable!
:''[Mrs. and Carl look scared.]''
:'''Carl''': No one's ever climbed Mt. Incredibly Unstable and lived! I'm in!
:'''Mrs. Wheezer''': Me too.
:''[The Wheezers run off, shouting.]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Neutrons and Wheezers''': ♪ Singing and standing. We're standing and singing. Burning and singing. Smoking and burning. Singing and standing, we're standing and singing, burning and singing… ♪

===''Billion Dollar Boy''===
:''[After Jimmy wins the kite-flying competition]''
:'''Hugh''': Way to go, son! You made your ancestors proud.
:'''Eustace''': Yes, well done, Jimmy. Well done indeed. Listen, why don't you and your &quot;people&quot; pop over to the compound for a celebratory Flurp and ice cream banquet?
:'''Jimmy''': I think I'd rather gargle liquid Nitrogen!
:'''Hugh''': Jimbo, that was rude. Now your ancestors are ashamed again.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[In the dining room, Eustace and the other kids are eating different flavors of ice cream]''
:'''Cindy''': ''[amazed]'' Eustace, this is incredible! There must be over 37 different flavors!
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, well, it's all right.
:'''Eusatce''': Oh, don't be jealous, Jimmy. My ice cream is made from the purest ice-age snow gathered via time box.
:'''Jimmy''': You got a working time box?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''' ''[to Jimmy]'': Make ready, Neutron: you're about to face the ultimate triumph in expensive robot technology. Blix, bring out the RA multi-unit!
:''[Blix lets a small, cat-like robot into the arena]''
:'''Carl''': Aw, it's adorable!
:'''Sheen''': They just don't make crazed, berserk robots like they used to.

===''Win, Lose and Kaboom!''===
:'''Jimmy''': Since 1511, there have been reports of rocks with strange symbols falling from the daytime sky. In every case, these rocks were destroyed before scientists had a chance to study them. ''These'' are those rocks. Minsk, Russia, 1653: Rock pulverized by Imperial guards. Reykjavík, Iceland, 1810: Also crushed. Lima, Peru, 1880: Rock elected mayor, then overthrown by rebels.
:'''Man''': Well, at least it wasn't crushed.
:'''Jimmy''': ''Then'' crushed. Butte, Montana, 1957: Rock made into soup and eaten by prospectors.
:''[Slide shows a photo of Sheen's head sticking out of the bathroom toilet]''
:'''Sheen''': ''[screams]'' Carl!
:'''Jimmy''': Ladies and gentlemen, the aliens that sent these message stones are today, giving Earth another chance. I implore you to let me take the rock to my lab for study!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Meldar''': Let's meet those life-forms now! Vandana?
:'''Vandana''': ''[appearing]'' Thanks, Meldar! They're smart, they're sassy, and they've evolved to a nonskeletal form. Meet the Brains!
:'''Kids''': ''[disgusted]'' Eww…
:'''Vandana''': Next, they've been called the sharpest species in the galaxy. Say hello to the Needleheads!
:'''Needleheads''': ''[repeatedly]'' Mib! Mib! Mib!
:'''Sheen''': Oh, man, those voices are gonna get on my nerves!
:'''Vandana''': And finally, they're a warmongering species from the Kondracke Belt, give it up for the Gorlocks!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Meldar''': Humans of Earth. Your planet is being connected to the Galactic Cable Network, with over nine billion channels of service.
:'''Hugh''': ''[gasps]'' Free cable?! From space?!
:'''Meldar''': Enjoy watching your fellow creatures play for their lives on this addition of &quot;Intergalactic Showdown!&quot;
:'''Judy''': What did he mean, &quot;play for their lives?&quot;
:'''Hugh''': I don't know. But nine billion channels!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[votes for Cindy]'' I tried to be your friend, but I have a planet to save.
:'''Cindy''': ''[annoyingly votes for Jimmy]'' Sorry, pally. The human race can't afford another slip-up.
:'''Libby''': ''[also votes for Jimmy]'' Bye bye, big-head.
:'''Sheen''': Well, you know what they say, dude. You can fool all the people some other time, but you can't fool the time with the people that the, the… FORGET IT! Dang!
:'''Carl''': I hope that once you get over the betrayal, you'll still come over for cookies.
:'''Bolbi''': Bolbi not wearing underpants. ''[votes himself off]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Meldar''': Bolbi, your team has spoken. It's time for you to ''go.''
:''[A dark hole opens under Bolbi and he falls in it]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': That's it?! You kidnap us into space, threaten to blow up Earth, and you think you can make it right by giving us this stupid car?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Carl''': Well, guys, we saved the Earth.
:'''Sheen''': And more importantly, we won the car!
:'''Jimmy''': This isn't right. We've gotta go back!
:'''Cindy''': Neutron, what are you doing?
:'''Jimmy''': I'm reprogramming the auto-pilot. I won't let all those planets be destroyed!
:'''Libby''': Are you nuts?! But we barely got out of there alive!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Meldar kept us weak by forcing us to compete. But together, Brain, Needlehead, Gorlock, and human, can team up to cancel his show permanently. Who's with me?
:'''April''': I am with the Earth boy! Who's up for putting &quot;Intergalactic Showdown&quot; out of business?

==External links==
* {{imdb title|ch0033574|The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius}}
* [http://www.nick.com/all_nick/tv_supersites/display_show.jhtml?show_id=jim Jimmy Neutron at Nick.com]

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    <title>The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3</title>
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      <text bytes="52090" xml:space="preserve">{{DISPLAYTITLE:''The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius''/Season 3}}
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1|1]] [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 2|2]] [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3|3]] | [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius|'''Main''']]
----

'''''[[w:The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius|The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius]]''''' is a show that ran on Nickelodeon from 2002–2006. The show follows the life of genius kid Jimmy Neutron and his friends and family. It is also based on the 2001 CGI film ''[[Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius (film)|Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius]]''.

===''Attack of the Twonkies''===
:''[Sheen volunteers for the school chorus]''
:'''Sheen''': ''[singing badly]'' '''''HOME, HOME ON THE RANGE--'''''
:'''Principal Willoughby''': NEXT!!!
:'''Sheen''': Eh, pardon?
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Thank you. That's all I needed to hear.
:'''Sheen''': Well, I can't say I'm surprised. Now, let's talk rehearsal schedule, man. Tuesdays, I have my action figure support so that's no good for me. Mondays…
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Oh, dear. I better explain. Um, Sheen, amigo, I'm afraid you won't be joining the chorus.
:'''Sheen''': What?! You're rejecting me?!
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Now, now, now, don't take it personally. We needed an alto, and well, you're a… You're a…
:'''Miss Fowl''': You're a terrible singer!
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Miss Fowl! You see, Sheen, your voice… Um, how shall I put this?
:'''Miss Fowl''': Your voice scares small children!
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Miss Fowl, please! Look, Sheen, as chorus master, I know talent…
:'''Miss Fowl''': And that's what you have: no talent! ''[Principal Willougby is about to burst]'' I'm done.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Sheen volunteers again disguised a with a  mustache]''
:'''Sheen''': ''[singing badly]'' '''''HOME, HOME ON THE RANGE--'''''
:'''Principal Willoughby''': NEXT!!!
:'''Sheen''': Please let me in the chorus! ''[Miss Fowl rips Sheen's fake mustache off his face]'' My voice grows on you!
:'''Miss Fowl''': So do liver spots, but they don't make you look at them! ''[cracks up laughing]''
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Now, Miss Fowl, that's not funny. ''[begins laughing]'' Okay, that's a little funny, but you know…
:'''Sheen''': I've got half a mind to report you!
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Half a mind? No wonder you can't sing! ''[he and Miss Fowl burst out in laughter as Sheen storms out the auditorium]'' Oh, we are so fired. ''[Miss Fowl looks shocked]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy''': Your Twonkies attacked us in baby sized class!
:'''Libby''': They busted my boom box!
:'''Miss Fowl''': Those things are a menace!
:'''Nick''': Dude, my do is ruined!
:'''Butch''': Just when I was learning to love again!
:'''Jimmy''': Guys! This isn't the time for blame. If it were I'd be saying things like &quot;I tried to tell you&quot; and &quot;Why didn't you jerks listen to me?&quot; Now all your stories have a common theme.
:'''Carl''': Painful biting?
:'''Butch''': Massive blood loss?
:'''Jimmy''': No! ''Music!'' Harmonic patterns causes the Twonkies to morph into hostile beasts and attack the source of the sound. We've got to shut down ''all'' the music in town before the rest of the Twonkies hear.
:'''Libby''': You can't stop the music!
:'''Jimmy''': We've ''got'' to!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy''': STOP! DON'T SING!
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Miss Vortex, thank you for joining us, you're 10 minutes late!
:'''Cindy''': Fellow choristers, due to a dangerous situation too complicated to go into now, this rehearsal is cancelled. Now I know how painful this must be for all of you…
:''[The choristers cheer, and leave the stand]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': This isn't over, people! If we don't blast that monster back to the comet in the next ten minutes, he's stuck here for another year!
:'''Sam''': That's bad.
:'''Sheen''': I'll just sing to him every time he wakes up.
:'''Miss Fowl''': That's worse!
:'''Sam''': Yeah!

===''Lights! Camera! Danger!''===
:''[repeated line]''
:'''Quentin Smithee''': And action!
----
:'''Butch''': Mr. Smithee, uh…how do I start this thing?
:'''Quentin Smithee''': I have no idea. Just keep pushing buttons until something happens. And...
----
:'''Quentin Smithee''': ''[found out that Hugh sung the Donut Boy theme song in the alley]'' No. This is the scene where you ''[throws the box of donuts to the ground''] &lt;big&gt;get lost!&lt;/big&gt;

===''The N-Men''===
:''[Outer Space; Jimmy and the gang are flying back home to Earth in their Astrocar after playing mini golf on Mercury]''
:'''Sheen''': Engines down! Losing power! Abandon ship!
:'''Libby''': You're enjoyin' that massage chair a little too much.
:'''Sheen''': Set boosters on &quot;Lower back&quot;! Engage!
:'''Carl''': Thanks for taking us miniature golfing on Mercury, Jimmy. Hey, you want some of my extra orange juice my mom packed me?
:'''Jimmy''': Thanks, Carl… ''[gulps down the orange juice bottle]'' but we're not home yet. I still have to steer us past the Van Patten Radiation Belt.
:'''Cindy''': Ha! Neutron probably thought the low gravity would throw off my backswing. Wrong! As usual.
:'''Jimmy''': Hey, hey, how about instead of bragging, you thank me for inviting you along at all?!
:'''Cindy''': You're right, Jimmy. Thank you… ''[pause]'' for letting me kick your butt on the back nine!
:'''Jimmy''': What is your problem, Vortex?!
:'''Cindy''': I don't have a problem! What's your problem?!
:'''Jimmy''': ''[arguing in unison]'' Oh, I think you do have a problem! You know what the problem is?
:'''Cindy''': ''[arguing in unison]'' No, I'm not the one with the problem, Neutron!
:'''Carl''': ''[eating a sandwich while Jimmy and Cindy continue arguing]'' It's so hard to digest when they argue like that. ''[burps]''
:'''Libby''': All this space travel has given me a zit! ''[groans]'' I need Vanishing Cream.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After passing through the Van Patten Radiation Belt and crash landing back home to Earth, Jimmy and his friends have discovered they've all gotten their own superpowers]''
:'''Jimmy''': I think I see what happened. You all got superpowers based on what you were doing when the Van Patten rays hit.
:'''Cindy''': And you just turned orange? How lame is that?
:'''Jimmy''': It's not lame! Maybe my cells store massive amounts of vitamin C or something.
:'''Carl''': ''[sniffs]'' Mmm. He does have a pleasing, fruity aroma.
:''[He, Cindy, and Libby laugh, making Jimmy cringe in anger]''
:'''Sheen''': Guys, get serious. We've all been endowed with incredible power. And I say we use that power ''to attack Tokyo!'' ''[runs to Tokyo and back]'' Guys, come on, pick up the pace.
:'''Jimmy''': Sheen's right! Except for the part about Tokyo-- we have been given incredible power. But we should use it to fight crime.
:'''Sheen''': Why didn't I think of that?
:'''Libby''': You mean… become superheroes?
:'''Cindy''': I hate to admit it, but that ''would'' be cool.
:'''Carl''': I can fight crime, but I have to be home by 5:30.
:'''Sheen''': Stack hands, everyone. We need to make a solemn vow.
:''[All stack hands]''
:'''Sheen''': Let those who do evil beware! From this day forth, we shall be known as: The Fantastic League of Justice-Bringing Avenging Men!
:'''Libby''': Excuse me?!
:'''Sheen''': And two girls.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Neutron lab; 3 days later]''
:'''Jimmy''': I know, Goddard, but I can't stop working. I'm still missing one last ingredient for my superpower antidote. If only this mutant gene wasn't so hard to crack. Maybe if I tried a submolecular scam. ''[Screen shows Fatal Gene countdown to six hours]'' No. It can't be! Their powers are burning up their metabolisms! Their life forces will be drained in ''six'' hours! ''[bangs on his keypad]'' GOTTA WORK FASTER! ''[accidentally spills some Purple Flurp on the keyboard]'' No, no, NO! Now I'll ''never'' find a cure in time! ''[becomes extremely livid while throwing a fit]'' Why do I even care?! All they did was mock me. ''[gets up from his seat]'' Especially Cindy! She makes me ''so'' angry! ''[furiously throws a binocular box off-screen, crashing it]'' If only I'd gotten a cool superpower too, then I'd make her pay! I'd make 'em ''ALL'' pay! (''camera zooms in on his eye'') ''[growls crossly]'' What's wrong with me?! (''eye color changes burnt green'') ''[voice deepens]'' Feeling strange. ''[starts transforming into his huge hulk-like form as Goddard watches in fear]'' Thoughts, cloudy. Image of Cindy burning in my brain!
:'''Hulk Jimmy''': ''[bursts out through the door of the clubhouse, roaring with rage]'' JIMMY ''DID'' GET SUPERPOWER! NOW JIMMY STRONG! NOW JIMMY '''''SMASH!!!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': ''[throwing an apple at Hulk Jimmy]'' Take that you misterable mistake of nature, yeah! ''[throws another at him]''
:'''Judy''': No, don't! You're only making him angry!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy''': Carl, why haven't you tried to perfect your super belches?
:'''Carl''': I'm scared to, for my burps are ''way'' to dangerous.
:'''Sheen''': But Carl, your destructive potential is part of the reason we love you.
:'''Carl''': DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?! No more spice food or carbonated beverages! I've got to guard against even the slightest hiccup!
:'''Sheen''': You mean no more chalupas? I feel your pain, dude.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy''': Guys, I think that orange-rampaging monster is Neutron!
:'''Libby''': Those rays must've had some kind of delayed reaction on him.
:'''Carl''': We gotta do something. The army might really hurt him!
:'''Cindy''': All I did was make fun of him and, he still promised to help us. We have to help him!

===''The Tomorrow Boys''===
:'''Jimmy''': ''[as Future Jimmy opens the door]'' Hi, um, are you Jimmy Neutron?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Future Cindy''': NERDTRON! Nerdtron, what are you doing?! You're supposed to be soaking my mother's feet! And if it's not done every hour on the hour, she experiences severe flaking!!
:'''Future Jimmy''': Cindy, can you not call me Nerdtron? ''[scoffs]'' Now that we're married?
:''[The word &quot;married&quot; repeats itself, slowing down each time.]''
:'''Jimmy''': &lt;big&gt;'''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…'''''&lt;/big&gt;''[commercial break, after which Jimmy is still screaming.]''&lt;big&gt;'''''…OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Carl''': Wow. You just screamed for four minutes, Jim.
:'''Sheen''': I'm both impressed ''and'' disturbed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Future Carl''': Yeah. I remember the first time I saw Mrs. V's feet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Jimmy saved the future!
:'''Sheen''': That horrible dictator Libby will ''never'' plague us again! ''[they all look at Libby, whose looking super furious]'' Oh. Perhaps I'd better explain.
:'''Libby''': ''[enraged]'' You and your stupid robot broke my house!
:'''Sheen''': But…
:'''Libby''': Ruined my party and destroy my gifts!
:'''Sheen''': But… but…
:'''Libby''': '''GET OUT!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Libby''': ''[to Sheen]'' Meet me at the Candy Bar, Sheen… ''[throws the door open, revealing his friends cleaning up; angrily]'' '''''AFTER YOU CLEAN MY HOUSE!'''''

===''Fundemonium''===
:'''Baby Quackers''': ''[repeated line]'' Gotta go potty! ''[puddle forms under her]'' Ooopsie!

===''Stranded''===
:'''Jimmy''': And I'm telling you that you can't see the equator!
:'''Cindy''': Just an unpopulated area like the Pacific Ocean!
:'''Jimmy''': WRONG! The equator's invisible and apparently so is your brain!
:'''Cindy''': Well, at least my head doesn't need no time zone!
:'''Jimmy''': Why'd you have to go there?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheen''': Ah the sea, who's water grows our gardens, who's electric eels light our homes, who's jellyfish fill our jelly donuts.
:'''Libby''': Sheen, none of those things do any of those things.
:'''Sheen''': Hey! You try staying awake staring at a stupid ocean! ''(grumbling sound)''
:'''Libby''': What's that sound? Carl, you're supposed to watch our readings.
:'''Carl''': I'am. Their fine.
:'''Libby''': Well, what does the fuel gauge say?
:'''Carl''': It's fine. It's on &quot;E&quot; for….&quot;engored with gas&quot;…? ''(motor stops and hover car falling)'' 
:''(Everyone is screaming)''
:'''Libby''': Assume crash positions!
:'''Sheen''': If you say so… ''(Carl and Sheen making faces)''
:'''Libby''': You know what... just go back to the screaming. ''(Everyone screams again)'' 
:''(Hover car splash in the ocean)''
:'''Carl''': Is everybody okay?
:'''Sheen''': Well, I'am a little concerned that we're STRANDED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN!!!!
:'''Carl''': Calm down, Sheen.
:'''Sheen''': Don't tell me to calm down! This is all your fault! Anybody with a brian knows that &quot;E&quot; stands for... uh.... &quot;elp yourself to some gas&quot;!
:'''Carl''': Does not!
:'''Libby''': Guys!
:'''Sheen''': Does so!
:'''Libby''': Guys!
:'''Carl''': Does not!
:'''Sheen''': DOES SO!
:'''Libby''': GUYS! This isn't helping! Now we need to get through this, we just need a strategy.
:'''Carl''': Libby's right.
:'''Sheen''': Kiss up.
:'''Libby''': Now we're gonna need protein
:'''Sheen''': Right, let's cut to the chase: who's eating who?
:'''Carl''': Who's eating whom?
:'''Sheen''': That's it! I'm eating you!
:'''Carl''': Not if I eat you first!
:'''Sheen''': I'll eat you in your sleep!
:'''Carl''': Better not.
:'''Libby''': I'm gonna chow down on both of you if you don't keep QUIET!
:'''Carl''': She's right and at least we're in a boat, Jimmy and Cindy have been treading water for hours.
:'''Sheen''': Poor guys.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': You know, I hate to say it Jimmy, but aside from the man-eating plants, giant spiders, and vicious snakes, um… this isn't so bad.
:'''Jimmy''': It seems like if we stay out of the denser parts of the jungle, we should be fi… ''(record scratches)'' Did you just call me Jimmy?
:'''Cindy''': Well, that is your name…
:'''Jimmy''': I know. I just didn't know that you knew. I thought you thought it was &quot;Neutroid&quot;, or &quot;Speutron&quot;, or &quot;King Cranium&quot; or &quot;Frankenhead&quot;...
:'''Cindy''': I know, I know. Jimmy, why do you think we always fight back home?
:'''Jimmy:''' Oh, that's easy, because, well, uh... maybe because... uh... Huh... I don't remember.
:'''Cindy:''' I don't either. I mean, I know I'm not supposed to like you, but being here on this island away from school and grades and peer pressure, it makes me realize how ridiculous that is. You're a really cool person.
:'''Jimmy:''' R-really? ''[Cindy nods her head]'' I've sort of been thinking the same thing about you.
:'''Cindy''': Really? Jimmy, if I had to be stranded on a deserted island with anybody, I'm glad it's you.
:'''Jimmy:''' Me, too. Um, Cindy, if you're not doing anything tomorrow, well, do you think
you might want to... I don't know, hang out together?
:'''Cindy''': Hmm, I may have to move some appointments around, but what the heck, I accept.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': I was going to share, and I ate one, but it was so good, so I ate four and I…I…I'M A TERRIBLE PERSON!
:'''Sheen''': YOU GOT THAT RIGHT! ''(throws the chocolate away)'' GET HIS LEGS, LIBBY! ''(he grabs Carl)''
:'''Libby''': Sheen, you can't throw Carl overboard.
:'''Sheen''': ''(He halts)'' Why not?
:'''Libby''': Because he might have more FOOD ON HIM! ''(they start pulling Carl back in and they hear a horn blow)'' Guys, did you hear something?
:'''Carl''': It wasn't me.
:'''Libby''': ''(gasps)'' It's an ocean liner! Try to get their attention!
:'''Carl''': But they're so far away.
:'''Libby''': Jimmy must keep a flare in here look around! ''(saw an emergency button)'' I think this is it.
:'''Carl''': &quot;For emergencies only.&quot;
:'''Sheen''': THIS IS AN EMERGENCY! PUSH IT!
:''(A light points towards at the ship and explosion)''
:'''Passengers''': We're okay!
:'''Libby''': Um… maybe we should just keep this to ourselves.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheen''': I won't give up! Did Lewis and Clark give up?! Did Charles Lindbergh give up?! Did Saul Hoffnitz give up?!
:'''Libby''': Who's Saul Hoffnitz?
:'''Sheen''': I give up. The point is I'm not going back to Retroville without Jimmy and Cindy! I'm gonna find them even if I HAVE TO TEAR OUT EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF EQUIPMENT IN HERE!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Finished, now put your fuel ingredients into the gas tank.
:''(Libby and Carl put all the ingredients into the gas tank, but Sheen pick up some strange rocks and put them into the gas tank)''
:'''Jimmy''': Sheen, what kind's of rocks are those?
:'''Sheen''': Well I didn't know what shale look like, but I found these cool rock deep in the jungle. Look!
:''(Sheen give the strange rock to Jimmy)''
:'''Jimmy''': These don't feel like rocks at all. they feel like…
:''(Libby screamed and they saw a giant spider attack the hover car and they all are hiding in the rock)''
:'''Cindy''': Jimmy, that's the spider that made the web we saw!
:'''Jimmy''': I think we put some of her eggs in the gas tank!
:'''Carl''': If it destroys the hover car, we'll be stranded here forev… ''(record stretches)''
:'''Sheen, Libby, and Carl''': Did she just call you Jimmy?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

===''Jimmy Goes to College''===
:'''Butch''': Big words: they hurt, they hurt!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butch''': Big molecules: they hurt, they hurt!

===''Who's Your Mommy?''===
:'''Jimmy''': Welcome to Planet Schmangy! …Again.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': The strange appetite, the mood swings, the glowing buldges… Carl, I don't know how to say this, so I'll whisper it in Sheen's ear and he'll blurt it out in astonishment. ''[whispers to Sheen]''
:'''Sheen''': Carl is '''''PREGNANT?!'''''
:'''Carl''': ''[jumps in shock]'' What!?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Good news, Carl. I have an idea how to solve this without harming you, or the creature, and, why are nodding no?
:'''Carl''': I thought about it, Jim. If it's a boy, I'll name him, Shmengo, and if it's a girl Shmengeta, I want to retain its alien heritage.
:'''Jimmy''': ''WHAT?!''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Carl, why aren't you more worried? This thing might feed off your insides, or electrocute you, or grow until it splits you in half!
:'''Carl''': Yeah, kids can be a handful.

===''Clash of the Cousins''===
:''[Jimmy and his parents show up in the backyard of Aunt Kari's house for Great-Aunt Amanda's birthday with the rest of the Neutrons]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[carrying her present]'' Happy Birthday, Great-Aunt Amanda! You're looking more beautiful and less wrinkly every year.
:'''Aunt Amanda''': No thanks you, young man, your gadgets and gewgaws have taken ten years off my life!
:'''Judy''': But, Aunt Amanda, how can you say that? Jimmy's gadgets have saved the town dozens of times.
:'''Aunt Kari''': Sure. After he brought down a giant meteor to destroy us all.
:'''Uncle Newt''': Or those evil rotting aliens.
:'''Cousin Annabelle''': OR PANTS! HORRIBLE WALKING PANTS!
:'''Cousin Gomer''': Which cousin are you again?
:'''Hugh''': Now, now, now. Newt, Kari, Cousin Gomer, Cousin Annabelle… ''[Baby Eddie babbles]'' and little Eddie, let's not fight. We're gathered together because we love our dear Aunt Amanda and not because her fabulous wealth controls our very destiny.
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, can't we all just get along and be a family?
:'''Aunt Amanda''': NO! Because of you, the Neutron name isn't respectable anymore. Why can you be nice like your two young friends?
:'''Sheen''': Mmm! I've been waiting all year to eat Aunt Kari's salt patties.
:'''Carl''': And this 147 bean salad is the best one yet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Aunt Amanda! I'm so sorry! The spatula's battery must have overloaded!
:'''Aunt Amanda''': You little monster! I knew you couldn't be trusted!
:'''Jimmy''': It's not supposed to do that! I swear, it will never happen again!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Guys, we have a situation. There is no reason those presents should have exploded. Someone bombarded the spatula with delta waves. Only a genius could come up with a plan like that. And the delta waves came from the backyard. Do you realize what that means?
:'''Sheen''': Uh, Jimmy, do you mind if we just keep eating?
:'''Jimmy''': It means that there's ''another'' genius in my family besides me. An &lt;u&gt;''evil''&lt;/u&gt; genius.
:'''Carl''': That's horrible! Hey, Sheen, are you gonna finish that death-by gelato?
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, stop eating.
:'''Sheen''': Sorry.
:'''Carl''': Sorry.
:'''Jimmy''': Goddard, isolate the Neutron genius gene. Now, compare the gene against DNA profiles of ''all'' adult family members. Hmm. The two most likely suspects would be…Cousin Gomer or Cousin Annabelle.
:'''Carl''': Okay, so what you're saying is that one of them must only be ''acting'' dumb.
:'''Sheen''': ''[belches]'' Or crazy.
:'''Jimmy''': We gotta find out which one before they make another attempt on my family's lives!
:'''Carl''': Right. To the buffet! What? I'm still hungry.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Hey, Cousin Annabelle.
:'''Cousin Annabelle''': ''[screams]'' DON'T SNEAK UP ON ME! I HAVE SENSELESS PANIC ATTACK SYNDROME!
:'''Carl''': Uh, I'm allergic to wheat.
:'''Cousin Annabelle''': Oh, really? GO AWAY!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Baby Eddie''': ''[laughing wickedly]'' Haven't you figured it out yet, Jimmy?
:'''Jimmy''': ''[shocked]'' Cousin Eddie!
:'''Baby Eddie''': I had you barking up the wrong tree. You know, maybe you ain't as bright as everybody thinks.
:'''Jimmy''': How can I be so naive? I only checked the DNA of adult Neutrons. I never guessed that…
:'''Baby Eddie''': A baby could be as smart as you? Heck, I'm smarter. And, I'm only 17 1/2 months old. Wait till I hit puberty-- bah-bing!
:'''Sheen''': Why'd you do it, Cousin Eddie?! WHY?!?
:'''Jimmy''': For Aunt Amanda's money, Sheen.
:'''Baby Eddie''': Ding! We got a winner! Now, think fast, nimrods! ''[traps the boys and Cousin Gomer in his unbreakable fun rings]'' Don't waste your time. Nothing can escape my unbreakable fun rings.
:'''Jimmy''': You're a ''bad'' baby, Eddie, and you got a diaper full of evil!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[facing Baby Eddie]'' Too bad you didn't know about Goddard's backup battery. It's all over, Eddie! Oh, you're going down, baby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aunt Amanda''': This is the child you raised?! A vicious, rotten baby mauler?!
:'''Jimmy''': It's not what you think, Aunt Amanda! Eddie's an evil genius! He was trying to blow everyone up so he could get your fortune!
:'''Baby Eddie''': Goo.
:'''Hugh''': He takes after &lt;u&gt;''her''&lt;/u&gt; side of the family! ''[points at Judy]''
:'''Judy''': Hugh!
:'''Hugh''': He may be adopted. It looks nothing like me.
:''[A high-pitched whirring sound is heard]''
:'''Aunt Kari''': Wait. There's that horrible noise again!
:'''Jimmy''': I know, Aunt Kari, I reset Eddie's rattle during our struggle. It's programmed to overload.
:''[The sound is shown coming from Baby Eddie's rattle]''
:'''Baby Eddie''': Oh, poopy! ''[throws his rattle into the air and it explodes]'' You broke my rattle! You dweeby, no-good, pointy-headed, weasel-faced freak! ''[The adult Neutrons are shocked at his true colors being revealed]'' Uh, I mean… Goo!
:'''Aunt Amanda''': That baby's a bad seed! [''to Jimmy''] It's Jimmy who's the good nephew!
:''[The other adult Neutrons cheer for Jimmy as Sheen, Carl, and Cousin Gomer exit the house]''
:'''Aunt Kari''': I'm so sorry little Eddie tried to destroy us all.
:'''Jimmy''': If I were you Aunt Kari, I'd keep him on a baby leash.
:'''Baby Eddie''': Oh, no, not the leash! I'll get you for this, Cousin Jimmy, you hear me?! This ain't finished, not by a long shot! Hey, where's my juicy cup? Where is the cup that I can spill without spilling?
:'''Jimmy''': Dad, our family is ''very'' weird.
:'''Hugh''': It sure is, son. It sure is.

===''My Big Fat Spy Wedding''===

===''Crouching Jimmy, Hidden Sheen''===
:'''Jimmy''': ''[in trying to find a way to help Sheen defeat a zealous karate practioner who wants to ursurp Sheen's position as &quot;The Chosen One&quot;]'' There's only one way to help Sheen train.
:'''Sheen''': ''[in front of a dojo]'' A tutor?
:'''Jimmy''': We have no other choice!
:'''Sheen''': Why don't you just make me take piano lessons while I'm at it?
:''[The Dojo head, Master Hong, answers the door]''
:'''Master Hong''': Yes?
:'''Jimmy''': Master Hong?
:'''Sheen''': Dude, aren't you a little old to teach kung-fu?
:'''Master Hong''': ''[calmly, holding out a pebble]'' Snatch this pebble from my hand.
:'''Sheen''': ''[sarcastically]'' Snatch the pebble… too easy! ''[gets slammed around by Master Hong]'' You're hired!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lead Shangri-Llama Monk''': ''[of Sheen]'' To the Chosen One! Long may he put his leg behind his head!

===''The Incredible Shrinking Town''===
:'''Sheen''': Aw, cheer up, Jimmy. Hey, after the game, you wanna come over to watch ''Wizard of Oz''? I love those little monkeys. ''[Jimmy glares at him]'' What? What'd I say? Man, you dinky guys are so touchy.
:'''Jimmy''': You guys have ''no'' idea what it's like to be the short guy. It's like…it's like…
:'''Sheen:''' Uh, you're not gonna sing, are you?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sheen''': ''[Reading a message about the Vomitorium]'' Do not go on this ride if you have a bad back, bad neck, or hate puking.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Judy''': This is a nightmare. How am I going to clean this house if I'm six inches tall?
:'''Hugh''': I know, these are ''dark'' times, Sugarbooger. But look on the bright side. We finally got a jumbo-sized TV!
:''[Goddard flies into the living room]''
:'''Judy''': ''[to Jimmy; sharply]'' James Issac Neutron, are you responsible for this?
:'''Jimmy''': You know, Mom, we ''could'' waste precious time assigning blame.
:'''Judy''': ''[still sharped]'' Jimmy!
:'''Jimmy''': Kinda.
:'''Judy''': Hugh, speak to your son.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy''': Now, listen Neutron, you'd better…
:'''Carl''': ''[impersonating Mrs. Vortex's voice]'' Cynthia Vortex! Come over here and help your mother clean up Humphrey's extremely large poopy poo-poo!
:'''Cindy''': Oh, just make us big Neutron!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[The space bandits have captured the citizens and are taking them on the McSpanky's ship.]''
:'''Cindy''': Well, we can all thank our favorite boy genius for getting us into mortal danger -- ''again!''
:'''Libby''': At least we can say we had an exciting childhood.
:'''Carl''': ''[sees the ship]'' Hey, look, it's the old McSpanky's burger joint that we used to work at till you shot it at the sun, Jimmy.
:'''Jimmy''': They've turned it into a spaceship.
:'''Sheen''': ''[opens a fake treasure chest]'' It's okay, our worries are over! We're rich!! ''[hugs it]''
:''[Jimmy rolls his eyes]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy''': Whoa, whoa, whoa. Time out! May I just remind everybody, this was ALL Neutron's fault?!

===''One of Us''===
:'''Jimmy''': ''(narrating)'' There we were, running for our lives from our best friends and family. How did this happen? It all began on a normal day at school.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Libby, did you just turn some music off?
:'''Libby''': ''[turns slowly to Jimmy; also smiling]'' Hello Jimmy, I'm happy to see you. Did you watch &quot;The Happy Show Show&quot; last night?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sheen''': Hi, Jimmy. You watched &quot;The Happy Show Show?&quot;
:'''Jimmy''': Yes, and it was the worst show ever! It was obnoxious, idiotic, silly, infantile, inane, vapid… Shall I go on?
:'''Libby''': You need to watch it again.
:'''Jimmy''': ''Again?!'' I could barely watch the first 30 seconds! I thought my TV would explode! I thought I might faint from the fumes of the show's supreme stinkiness!
:'''Carl''': You should give it another chance.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[makes it back to his house]'' Mom, Dad, we've gotta call someone! There's a TV show that's turning everyone into… ''[sees his parents have been hypnotized too]''
:'''Judy and Hugh''': Hello, Jimmy, we're happy to see you.
:'''Jimmy''': You too?
:'''Judy''': Come sit here and we'll be happy together.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[quickly runs out of the house]'' '''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!'''''
:'''Judy''': Shall we chase him?
:'''Hugh''': Nothing would make me happier.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Grandma Taters, I presume!
:'''Grandma Taters''': Well, hello, honey, come on in. Would you like some hard candy?
:'''Jimmy''': I know what you're up to, lady.
:'''Grandma Taters''': ''[pinches Jimmy's cheek]'' Well, aren't you a smart little boy?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Grandma Taters''': Restraints!
:'''Jimmy''': Mom, Dad, you can't do this to me!
:'''Judy''': Oh, we're happy to do it.
:'''Hugh''': I positively ecstatic.
:'''Jimmy''': But you're not supposed to be happy all the time! You have to be sad sometimes!
:'''Hugh''': Happily, that's no longer true.
:'''Jimmy''': But don't you see? Grandma Taters' show has stolen your emotions and caused you to lose your humanity! Soon, the whole world will be pack of soulless, mindless zombies!
:'''Sheen''': Wondering if I care…still wondering… NOPE!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Grandma Taters''': I'm sorry, girls. I failed.
:'''Grandma Clones''': That's alright, honey. Come in for some muffins. And bran juice.

===''Vanishing Act''===

===''The Trouble with Clones''===
:'''Evil Jimmy''': ''[hijacking into the communication satellite phone in Earth's orbit, making prank calls]'' Yeah, hi, is the U.N. Security Council? I'm looking for Ambassador Shake My Booty, first name Ivanna.
:'''Man''': Hold on. Guys! Ivanna Shake My Booty. You heard me: Ivanna Shake My Booty!
:''[Laughter is heard through the phone]''
:'''Evil Jimmy''': ''[laughing evilly]'' Oh, mercy!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Evil Jimmy''': I hate that little dweeb.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Evil Jimmy''': While the dork's away, the clones will play, eh, pooch?
:''[Goddard whimpers and nods yes]''
:'''Jimmy''': You're in big trouble, clone! Step away from that duplicator!
:'''Evil Jimmy''': Sorry, no can do, bro. This goodie-two-shoes town of yours ain't big enough for the both of us.
:'''Jimmy''': Wait-- you don't know how dangerous that thing is!
:'''Evil Jimmy''': Oh, I think I do. ''[starts up his rocket and flies away]'' Hasta la vista, big-head!
:'''Jimmy''': Don't worry, Goddard. He forgot about ''my'' rocket. ''[jumps in his rocket but as he starts it up, the engine is clogged up by a watermelon via Evil Jimmy]'' I ''really'' hate that clone.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hugh''': Hi, Jim-Jam, gettin' ready to visit that new planet in the sky?
:'''Jimmy''': New planet? What new planet? ''[Hugh points to the planet in the sky; gasps]''
:'''Hugh''': Sure is pretty. In a creepy, steaming kind of way.
:'''Jimmy''': Goddard, deploy telescope. ''[Goddard analyzes the planet to be a cloned Earth; horrified]'' Oh, no-- he's cloned another Earth! ''[after commercial break]'' My evil clone must've used the Flux Field to clone a duplicate Earth.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Leaping leptons! Evil Jimmy somehow made his cloned Earth just as evil as he is. Better blend in. ''[makes his hair and eyebrows to look like his evil clone]'' Oh, yeah, I'm evil. Oh, yeah, I'm bad.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Evil Health Inspector''': Well, this place is unsafe, unsanitary, and crawling with vermins. Congratulations. You passed your health inspection.
:'''Evil Sam''': I am to displeased, yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Evil Miss Fowl''': Take your seats, maggots. Evil Cindy and Evil Libby will now give a presentation on wedgies.
:'''Evil Cindy''': Thank you, ugly! Class, nothing hurts like a wedgie, and yet few people understand the proper technique.
:'''Evil Libby''': May we have a volunteer, ''NICK?!''
:'''Evil Nick''': No, you can't! ''[Evil Butch pulls him out of his desk seat and shoves him to the girls]'' I'll get your for this!
:'''Evil Libby''': Assume to position!
:'''Evil Cindy''': Simply reach, grab, and give a forceful 90-degree tug. ''[pulls Evil Nick's underwear harder as he screams in pain]''
:'''Evil Libby''': Note the beads of pain-induced sweat.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Evil Miss Fowl''': After him! Fly, my pretties, FLY!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Evil Judy''': Hello, sweetie, home so soon? ''[cutting roses into a bucket]'' I'm just dirtying up the house before dinner.
:'''Evil Hugh''': We're having duck again. I must have bagged over 87 bubbleheads this morning. Oh, they quacked for mercy, but I just laughed and laughed. ''[he and Evil Judy both start laughing evilly]''
:'''Jimmy''': This is going to scar me for life. Mom, Dad, I know helping is good, and I know that you're evil, but I'm still your son, right?
:'''Evil Hugh''': Yep-a-roonie, ''[combs Jimmy's hair to his normal style]'' our very, very good son.
:'''Evil Judy''': Our evil son has ordered us to capture you for experimentation. ''[presses a button on a remote, letting a cage fall in Jimmy, trapping him]''
:'''Evil Jimmy''': ''[appearing out of nowhere]'' Well, well, well, if it isn't the wimpy dip-headed freak. Hey, nice of you to drop by. I see you met the folks.
:''[They all chuckle evilly; Later, Evil Jimmy escorts Jimmy to his lab with Evil Goddard behind, pointing his gun at him]''
:'''Evil Jimmy''': So, what do you think of my little world, doc?
:'''Jimmy''': It's sick twisted and smells like old socks! How'd you make this duplicate Earth evil?!
:'''Evil Jimmy''': With a dark matter power chip. Yeah, I know, feel free to applaud.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hugh''': Ah, goodbye mild backache. ''[the world returns to normal and falls to the ground]'' Hello, blindingly, painful backache.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Clone, no! If you break that chip, the whole planet will get sucked into the dark-matter dimension!
:'''Evil Jimmy''': And you'll be trapped with us! ''[breaks the chip into two pieces]'' Catch you on the flip side, wimpy dip!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': At least my evil clone is gone for good. No one has ever come back from my dark-matter dimension.
:'''Evil Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' You're not gonna get away with this, wimpy dip! You can't keep that an evil clone down! I'll be back! ''[laughs evilly]''

===''Who Framed Jimmy Neutron?''===
===''Flippy''===
===''El Magnifico''===
===''Best in Show''===
:'''Jimmy''': Goddard? ''[finds Goddard's note next to him in his bed]'' He left me a note in binary code. Better translate. ''[gets up from his bed and inserts the note into his computer]'' '''&quot;Dear Master, sorry I let you down. You'd be better off with a real dog like everyone says. Your ex-pet, Goddard.&quot;''' He ran away!

===''King of Mars''===
:'''Libby''': Wow, the universe is so vast and intricate. I'm bored.
:'''Cindy''': Hmm, Libs, keep an eye on Mars for me. It's been acting weird all night.
:'''Libby''': ''[sniffing]'' Is that… Eau d'Amino Acid? Girl, you brought us here so you could flirt with Jimmy.
:'''Cindy''': Did not! I'm here because Jimmy values my scientific input.
:'''Libby''': Why don't those two just get a lab?
:'''Cindy''': Hey, Neutron, have you checked out Mars?
:'''Jimmy''': Huh? Mars is old news. I'm spotting comets.
:'''Cindy''': But it's been showing huge fluctuations in brightness. Definitely worth a good long look.
:'''Jimmy''': What's that bewitching scent?
:'''Cindy''': You mean my perfume? I just splashed this on when I don't care what I smell like.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy''': When a colleague suggests that you look at Mars, it's polite to look at Mars!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': Hello, Neutron!
:'''Libby''': ''[to Cindy]'' It's that spoiled rich kid who has it in for Jimmy!
:'''Jimmy''': Eustace Strych. I thought you were grounded for life.
:'''Eustace''': Yes, well, my daddy's will is easily manipulated. So, Jimmy, did you forget that I'd sworn everlasting vengeance against you?
:'''Jimmy''': Hmm, it sort of slipped my mind because I have a life, you loser!
:'''Eustace''': Don't get saucy with me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy''': Well, it's your fault! ''[points to Jimmy]''
:'''Jimmy''': What?!
:'''Cindy''': Oh, don't act dumb! At least Eustace treated me like an equal. You act like I don't even exist!
:'''Jimmy''': You are so clueless, Vortex!  Of course I know you exist, that’s why I pretend to ignore you!

===''How to Sink a Sub''===
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Heavens to Harvey Fierstein! This isn't the Pomona bypass.
:'''Coach Grubber''': Willoughby, you dink! I told you turn left at the Pants Outlet!
:'''Hilgo''': I'm frightened and nauseated. Where are we?
:'''Miss Fowl''': We're in hyperspace, where no teacher has gone before. I've got a good idea who's responsible for this!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Spread the word, people! School's out!
:''[they throw a party]''
:'''Sheen''': I'm the king of the world! [''gets hit'']
:'''Jimmy''': [''flying around the hallway with a rocket board''] Coming through, watch it! [''his rocket board gets magnitized''] Hey, what's wrong with my rocket board?! [''screams as he's pulled by a displeased Judy; shocked''] Mom?!
:'''Judy''': You are ''so'' grounded, mister!
:'''Hugh''': [''pops out of a trash can''] She's right, Jimbo. I'm afraid your senseless reign of carnage is over.
:'''Carl''': Hi, Jimmy. You said to spread the word, so I told our parents.
:'''Judy''': You bring your teachers back, this instant.
:'''Jimmy''': I can't! They're programmed to come back in a week.
:'''Mr. Estevez''': Then, we'll have to round these children up ourselves. Kids? Oh, kids!
:'''Mrs. Wheezer''': Allow me, hon. ''[loudly]'' '''QUIET!'''
:''[The students all stop partying]''
:'''Judy''': Children, please go to your classrooms. Until Miss Fowl and the others return, we parents will be filling in as substitute teachers.
:''[The students all groan and complain in dismay]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[speechless]'' Substitute teachers?
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Good idea, Judy. The kids shouldn't miss one precious day of education.
:'''Jimmy''': Mom, Dad, you can't do this! It'll be totally embarrassing!
:'''Hugh''': Don't be silly, Jimbo. Your mother would never dream of embarrassing you.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mrs. Wheezer''': What's wrong, Carl? Is my seven-layer soy mulch too tough? Let Mommy pre-chew it for you.
:'''Carl''': Mmm! ''[sees Jimmy and Sheen reacting with disgust]'' I mean, gross!
:'''Mrs. Wheezer''': You boys enjoy!
:'''Jimmy''': I can't take it anymore! I actually wish we had our old teachers back!
:'''Carl''': Are you gonna finish your soy mulch?
:'''Jimmy''': Parents want to be substitute teachers, huh? Well, I say, it's time to ''sink'' some subs.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sheen''': Dad, I'm warning you! Behave yourself!
:'''Mr. Estevez''': ''[riding on a motorcycle with Mrs. Wheezer holding on]'' You can't tell me what to do!
:'''Mrs. Wheezer''': Stop trying to ruin my life!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Miss Fowl''': Double time, Neutron!

===''Lady Sings The News''===
:''[Everyone walks away, and Jimmy kisses Cindy.]''
:'''Carl''': Hey, Guys! Okay, you're coming back right? Right? Guys! My scapula!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butch''': &quot;Jimmy and Cindy sitting in a--&quot;
:''[Cindy forcefully punches him squarely in the stomach.]''
:'''Butch''': ''[panting on the floor]'' &quot;…..tree.&quot;

===''The League of Villains''===
:''[Aboard the giant Yolkian chicken ship, King Goobot has gathered every villain Jimmy has defeated together for the first League of Villains meeting]''
:'''King Goobot''': Welcome, fellow villains. I believe introductions are in order. I am King Goobot of Yolkus, and this is my assistant, Ooblar. Oh! Oopsy! ''[chuckles]'' I forgot-- I traded Ooblar to the Bulgosians for some sulfur butter.
:'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': I'm Beautiful Gorgeous, and I broke out of prison for this, so it better be good. ''[to her father]'' Pop.
:'''Professor Calamitous''': Professor Finbarr Calamitous. I recently escaped, too. I used a…well, not a chisel, exactly, more of a long thingy with, uh, sort of forky prongs…
:'''Baby Eddie''': ''[annoyed]'' Tick-tock, baldy! Let's move on! I'm Baby Eddie. Yeah, I'm a baby-- deal with it.
:'''The Junkman''': The Junkman, purveyor of fine refuse products throughout the galaxy. You trash it, I cash it.
:'''Grandma Taters''': I'm Grandma Taters, and I'm so happy to be here! Let's all sing &quot;The Happy Song.&quot; ''[takes out her guitar and starts singing]'' ♪ Happy, happy, happy, happy… ♪
:'''Zix''': ''[whistles]'' That'll do, ancient one. We're the space bandits of the Dimdar Galaxy. I'm Zix, and this is Travoltron and Tee.
:'''Tee''': Why can't I introduce myself?!
:'''Travoltron''': 'Cause he already introduced you, bonehead.
:'''Tee''': You calling me a bonehead?! How'd you like to be a no-head?!
:'''Eustace''': If you gill breathers are done, I am Eustace Strych, and I could buy and sell you all!
:'''The Junkman''': Make me an offer.
:'''King Goobot''': Gentlemen, ladies, settle! I've called you here for a reason.
:'''Zix''': Hold on, Goobot, this was supposed to be a discussion. How come ''you're'' calling the shots?
:'''King Goobot''': Mmm, perhaps it's because I'm a king and you're all…oh, how do I put this? ''NOT'' KINGS!
:'''Tee''': You said we'd talk about the villain's role in society. I got stuff to say!
:'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Our first order of business should be to give this guy a bath. He smells as bad as he looks.
:'''The Junkman''': Watch it, toots!
:'''King Goobot''': Silence! My friends, we share a common enemy, an enemy who must be stopped! Evil brothers and sisters, we are gathered here to plan the elimination of… JIMMY NEUTRON!
:''[The villains cheer as the screen footage shows Jimmy defeating them from throughout the series]''
:'''The Junkman''': Crush that little pip-squeak!
:'''King Goobot''': For years, that pesky little genius has defeated us, humiliated us, and almost destroyed us! None of us have been able to conquer Jimmy on our own, but if we band together, we can wipe him off the face of galaxy and let evil triumph!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy''': Hey, what's this, Nerdtron?
:'''Jimmy''': Don't go near that!
:'''Cindy''': Okay. Jeez, it's just a bunch of stupid envelopes.
:'''Jimmy''': Hardly-- this ''is'' an isolation chamber for ultra-dangerous substances.
:'''Cindy''': Ooh, scary envelopes. I'm shaking. ''[she and Libby both laugh]''
:'''Jimmy''': I'm serious! Oh, and what part of &quot;Girls stay behind the yellow line&quot; did you not understand?! Perhaps you recall Love Potion 976/J?
:'''Carl''': Oh, I do. It made you fall in love with the first person you saw. Sheen fell for Libby, Jimmy fell for Cindy, and I fell in love with the most beautiful woman in the… ''[gasps]'' Nothing.
:'''Jimmy''': And these are essence of N-Men. I synthesized them from your DNA after we achieved superpowers. Ingesting your packet will give you your powers back for 30 minutes.
:'''Libby''': Ooh, I want to be invisible again!
:'''Cindy''': I want to be Special Girl for my karate competition this weekend!
:'''Sheen''': I want to be Vibrating Sheen, so I can go to the bathroom all over the world!
:'''Jimmy''': No! Don't you guys remember what happened last time we were the N-Men?
:'''Cindy''': Yes.
:'''Libby''': Yes.
:'''Carl''': Yes.
:'''Sheen''': So, what if I don't? A lot's happened since then.
:'''Jimmy''': You couldn't control your powers. You got so out of control the town locked you up.
:'''Cindy''': Excuse me, wasn't there also a big orange monster who went crazy and almost destroyed Retroville? Oh, that's right-- it was you!
:'''Jimmy''': The point is, no one touches these unless there's an extreme emergency. I'm talking life-or-death situation, understand?
:'''Libby''': But, Jimmy, we won't go crazy like we did last time.
:'''Sheen''': Yeah, we're older and wiser-er.
:'''Cindy''': We've changed.
:'''Jimmy''': People ''don't'' change. Your personality is imprinted on your brain from birth-- look it up.
:'''Sheen''': Friends, friends, let us not fight. We'll just agree to disagree. And then we'll break out the N-Men packets and have some fun!
:'''Jimmy''': Hmm, let me think. NO!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''King Goobot''': In order to abduct Jimmy Neutron, you'll be split into teams. First team: Baby Eddie and Grandma Taters.
:'''Grandma Taters''': Ooh, we're going to have such a good time!
:'''Baby Eddie''': I've got to be with the old broad? This stinks!
:'''Grandma Taters''': ''[sweetly]'' I could just eat you up… ''[menacingly in her true self]'' and maybe I will!
:'''King Goobot''': Team two: Beautiful Gorgeous and the Junkman.
:'''The Junkman''': Yuck!
:'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': The feeling is mutual.
:'''Baby Eddie''': Hey, Junkster, I'll trade you Wrinkles for Dollface.
:'''King Goobot''': No trading! Team three: Eustace Strych and Professor Calamitous.
:'''Eustace''': What?! The guy who can't complete a sentence?! I can't work with that fool.
:'''Professor Calamitous''': Watch your tongue, sonny, or I'll… I'll… well, I'll…
:'''Eustace''': Yes, fine, get back to me on that before I go to college!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Aboard The Junkman's ship, the villains circle around Jimmy as he wakes up]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[gasps in horror]'' King Goobot, Baby Eddie, Grandma Taters, The Junkman, Eustace, Professor Calamitous, Beautiful Gorgeous, Zix, Travoltron, and Tee!
:'''Tee''': How come he said my name last?!
:'''King Goobot''': Hello, Jimmy. We were just in the neighborhood and thought we'd drop by. Care to go for a little ride? It will be your ''LAST!''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[The villains put Jimmy on trial, declaring him guilty]''
:'''King Goobot''': Quiet! Quiet, I say! Quiet. Court is in session. The League of Villains vs. Jimmy Neutron. King Goobot presiding.
:'''Jimmy''': Wait-- you're putting me on trial?!
:'''King Goobot''': Of course! We're doing things by the book.
:'''Jimmy''': What book?
:'''King Goobot''': &quot;The Big Book of Sham Trials.&quot; Be seated, jury.
:'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Do I have to sit next to stink boy here? I'm gonna throw up.
:'''Professor Calamitous''': He can't smell any worse than this baby.
:'''Baby Eddie''': Hey, I'm a baby. Babies poop! What? You didn't poop when you were a baby?
:'''King Goobot''': Order! Order! Bailiff, control the jury.
:'''Tee''': Man, why do I got to be the bailiff? I want to be on the jury!
:'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Too late. We already voted.
:'''Tee''': How come I didn't get a vote?
:'''Jury''': 'Cause you're not on the jury. ''[laughing]''
:'''King Goobot''': Order! Order, I say! James Isaac Neutron, you are charged with blocking the spread of evil, ruining diabolical plans and being an annoying pest. How do you plead?
:'''Jimmy''': Well, first I have to say…
:'''King Goobot''': Time's up. Thank you. The jury will now read the verdict.
:'''Jimmy''': I didn't even get to defend myself!
:'''King Goobot''': Hello! This is a League of Villains. What did you expect? Jury, how do you find the defendant?
:'''Jury''': Guilty!
:'''Jimmy''': What a shock.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''King Goobot''': Jimmy Neutron's sentence has been decided. We shall blast him and his annoying sidekick into deep space!
:'''The Junkman''': I still say we should eat him!
:'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Mr. Noxious, wouldn't you mind staying a minimum of 20 feet away from me so that I don't get nauseous?
:'''The Junkman''': Gladly.
:'''Baby Eddie''': Hey, Gorgeous, after this is all over, you want to grab dinner and a movie?
:'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Buzz off, baby.
:''[Baby Eddie blows raspberry at her in return]''
:'''Eustace''': Can we wrap this up? I have a polo lesson in two hours.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': I should be able to get us back to Retroville at light speed. Look for some sort of transmitter so I can contact Carl.
:'''Sheen''': I don't think that's necessary.
:'''Jimmy''': Why not?
:'''Sheen''': They're right there.
:'''Jimmy''': What?!
:'''Sheen''': That's them, all right. Carl's talking, Libby's drying her eyes, and Cindy's driving.
:'''Jimmy''': This is terrible! They're heading to save us and we're heading back to… ''[realizes; enraged]'' CINDY'S DRIVING MY ROCKET?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mrs. Vortex''': I demand to know how this happened!
:'''Hugh''': Well, Judy was tinkering with Jimmy's stuff. I'd ask her.
:'''Judy''': ''[annoyingly miffed]'' Oh, really?! Well, Mr. Let's-Push-All-the-Buttons…
:'''Hugh''': Now, honey, name calling won't solve this mess you got us in. Besides, we may be here for a while. Look, some people seem to be adapting.
:'''Miss Fowl''': School is in session. Today's lesson is how to not get eaten by a giant fire ant. ''[squawks]''
:'''Butch''': Miss Fowl, a raptor ate my homework.
:'''Man''': So, what do you got, Sam?
:'''Sam''': Rock burgers, rock dogs and rock lobster with a side of rocks.
:'''Man''': I'll just have soup.
:'''Sam''': One hot water! Hold the rocks!
:'''Judy''': Well, I guess we could live here. I could make curtains and paint the walls with some berry juice.
:'''Hugh''': Now, that's the spirit, Sugar. Maybe it will distract you from thinking about our missing Jimbo.
:'''Judy''': ''[weeping]'' My baby!
:'''Hugh''': Oopsy. There, Sugarbooger. Remember, we're in the Cretaceous Era. We've got millions of years to come up with a plan to save him.
:'''Judy''': Hugh, are you aware that most of the things you say make no sense?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy''': Neutron, what's going on? Who's after you?
:'''Jimmy''': Every villain I've ever defeated has banded together to get rid of me for good!
:'''Sheen''': Well, maybe if you'd gone along with my plan to come rescue you…
:'''Jimmy''': What plan?!
:'''Sheen''': Oh, right.
:'''Jimmy''': Almost there!
:''[The League of Villains block their way]''
:'''Carl''': Bad people! Lots of bad people!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[As Carl, Sheen, Cindy, and Libby drink their N-Men packets, except for Jimmy, whose gotten the love potion instead, Carl confusingly mixes up the packets]''
:'''Libby''': Carl, you're in big trouble! ''[punches Carl in the gut, whose invisible]''
:'''Carl''': Ow! I'm right next to you!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Jimmy blow-sprays the love potion on The Junkman and Beautiful Gorgeous, making them in love with each other]''
:'''The Junkman''': You're beautiful!
:'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Kiss me, you fool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Gotta hide somewhere so the villains don't find us.
:'''Libby''': There's the moon-- we can hide there!
:'''Jimmy''': Good idea.
:'''Brobot''': Hi, Jimmy! I missed you! Want to play a game? I can make moon castles! Want to hear a song I wrote? It's called, &quot;I Love Jimmy.&quot; ♪ I love Jimmy, I love Jimmy, I love Jimmy, I love Jimmy… ♪
:'''Jimmy''': I'd rather take my chances with the villains.
:'''Sheen''': Good call.
:'''Cindy''': Agreed.
:'''Carl''': Can't blame you.
:'''Libby''': Word.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Grandma Taters''': I'm going to take a little nappy. ''[snores loudly]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy''': Uh, Neutron? We wanted Retroville, not Jungleville.
:'''Sheen''': I think the gardeners went on strike.
:'''Sam''': ''[while being chased by a raptor]'' HELP! Yeah, yeah. HELP!
:'''Miss Fowl''': ''[while being chased by a giant black snake]'' Bad snake! Bad snake!
:'''Jimmy''': This ''is'' Retroville. Based on the flora and fauna, I'd say that wormhole transported the town 75 million years in the past.
:'''Sheen''': Awesome! Now I don't have to go to the dentist on Thursday!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sam''': I just saw an egg, a baby, a granny, a rich kid, and two lizard guys-- yeah.
:'''Sheen''': Oh, wait, wait-- I know this joke!
:'''Cindy''': It's not a joke, you nimrod! It's the League of Villains!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy''': I'd like to see Betty Quinlan do that!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy''': So, what'll happen to Goobot and the other villains?
:'''Jimmy''': I programmed the force field to wear off after a few minutes. I'm guessing the League of Villains will have their hands full for quite a while.

==External links==
* {{imdb title|ch0033574|The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius}}
* [http://www.nick.com/all_nick/tv_supersites/display_show.jhtml?show_id=jim Jimmy Neutron at Nick.com]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius, The}}
[[Category:The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>5nmddfypv5n0n0vo6bfz4yd4rqcs0xw</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>User:Allixpeeke/Wonder Woman (TV series)</title>
    <ns>2</ns>
    <id>178206</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147740</id>
      <parentid>2857159</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T20:25:46Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* External links */ r/m Template:Tv.com show</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="12948" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:Wonder Woman (TV series)|Wonder Woman]]''''' (1975–1979 ) was an [[United States of America|American]] [[w:television series|television series]] based on the [[w:DC Comics|DC Comics]] comic book superheroine [[Wonder Woman|of the same name]].

{| class=&quot;wikitable&quot; border=&quot;1&quot; style=&quot;margin:0 auto 0 auto;&quot;|-
|style=background:blue align=center|&lt;font color=#ED2939&gt;&amp;nbsp; [[The New Original Wonder Woman|&lt;font color=white&gt;Pilot&lt;/font&gt;]] • [[Wonder Woman (season 1)|&lt;font color=white&gt;Season One&lt;/font&gt;]] • [[Wonder Woman (season 2)|&lt;font color=white&gt;Season Two&lt;/font&gt;]] • [[Wonder Woman (season 3)|&lt;font color=white&gt;Season Three&lt;/font&gt;]] • &lt;font color=gold&gt;Main&lt;/font&gt; &amp;nbsp;&lt;/font&gt;
|}

&lt;center&gt;
{| class=&quot;wikitable&quot; border=&quot;1&quot;
|-
|colspan=4 style=background:blue align=center|&lt;div id=&quot;Theme&quot;&gt;&lt;font color=white&gt;'''Theme Song'''&lt;!--The theme song is titled &quot;Wonder Woman&quot;.--&gt; (lyrics by [[w:Norman Gimbel|&lt;font color=white&gt;Norman Gimbel&lt;/font&gt;]])&lt;/font&gt;&lt;/div&gt;
|-
|colspan=4 valign=top align=center|


&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;Wonder Woman!&amp;nbsp; Wonder Woman!&lt;br&gt;All the [[world]] is [[waiting]] for you&lt;br&gt;And the [[power]] you possess&lt;br&gt;In your [[satin]] [[tights]]&lt;br&gt;[[Fighting]] for your [[rights]]&lt;br&gt;And the old [[flag of the United States|red, white, and blue]]&lt;br&gt;Wonder Woman!&amp;nbsp; Wonder Woman!&lt;br&gt;Now the world is ready for you&lt;br&gt;And the [[wonders]] you can do&lt;br&gt;Make a [[war hawk|hawk]] a [[peace dove|dove]]&lt;br&gt;Stop a [[war]] with [[love]]&lt;br&gt;Make a [[liar]] tell the [[truth]]&lt;br&gt;Wonder Woman!&lt;br&gt;Get us out from under, Wonder Woman!&lt;br&gt;All our [[hopes]] are pinned upon you&lt;br&gt;And the [[magic]] that you do&lt;br&gt;Stop a [[bullet]] cold&lt;br&gt;Make the [[Axis powers|Axis]] fold&lt;br&gt;[[Change]] their [[minds]] and change the world&lt;br&gt;Wonder Woman!&amp;nbsp; Wonder Woman!&lt;br&gt;You're a wonder, Wonder Woman!&lt;/font&gt;


|-
|colspan=4 style=background:blue align=center|&lt;div id=&quot;Pilot&quot;&gt;&lt;font color=white&gt;'''Pilot''' (7 November 1975)&lt;/font&gt;&lt;/div&gt;
|-
|colspan=4 valign=top align=left|[[The New Original Wonder Woman#The New Original Wonder Woman .5Bpilot.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;''The New Original Wonder Woman''&lt;/font&gt;]]
|-
|colspan=4 style=background:blue align=center|&lt;div id=&quot;S1&quot;&gt;&lt;font color=white&gt;'''Season One''' (21 April 1976 – 16 February 1977)&lt;/font&gt;&lt;/div&gt;
|-
|width=25% valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 1)#&quot;Wonder Woman Meets Baroness Von Gunther&quot; .5B1.01.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[1.01] Wonder Woman Meets Baroness Von Gunther&lt;/font&gt;]]
|width=25% valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 1)#&quot;The Feminum Mystique Part 2&quot; .5B1.05.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[1.05] The Feminum Mystique Part 2&lt;/font&gt;]]
|width=25% valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 1)#&quot;Judgment From Outer Space Part 1&quot; .5B1.09.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[1.09] Judgment From Outer Space Part 1&lt;/font&gt;]]
|width=25% valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 1)#&quot;Wonder Woman in Hollywood&quot; .5B1.13.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[1.13] Wonder Woman in Hollywood&lt;/font&gt;]]
|-
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 1)#&quot;Fausta: The Nazi Wonder Woman&quot; .5B1.02.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[1.02] Fausta: The Nazi Wonder Woman&lt;/font&gt;]]
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 1)#&quot;Wonder Woman vs. Gargantua!&quot; .5B1.06.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[1.06] Wonder Woman vs. Gargantua!&lt;/font&gt;]]
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 1)#&quot;Judgment From Outer Space Part 2&quot; .5B1.10.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[1.10] Judgment From Outer Space Part 2&lt;/font&gt;]]
|
|-
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 1)#&quot;Beauty on Parade&quot; .5B1.03.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[1.03] Beauty on Parade&lt;/font&gt;]]
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 1)#&quot;The Pluto File&quot; .5B1.07.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[1.07] The Pluto File&lt;/font&gt;]]
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 1)#&quot;Formula 407&quot; .5B1.11.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[1.11] Formula 407&lt;/font&gt;]]
|
|-
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 1)#&quot;The Feminum Mystique Part 1&quot; .5B1.04.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[1.04] The Feminum Mystique Part 1&lt;/font&gt;]]
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 1)#&quot;Last of the Two-Dollar Bills&quot; .5B1.08.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[1.08] Last of the Two-Dollar Bills&lt;/font&gt;]]
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 1)#&quot;The Bushwackers&quot; .5B1.12.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[1.12] The Bushwackers&lt;/font&gt;]]
|
|-
|colspan=4 style=background:blue align=center|&lt;div id=&quot;S2&quot;&gt;&lt;font color=white&gt;'''Season Two''' (16 September 1977 – 21 April 1978)&lt;/font&gt;&lt;/div&gt;
|-
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 2)#&quot;The Return of Wonder Woman&quot; .5B2.01.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[2.01] The Return of Wonder Woman&lt;/font&gt;]]
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 2)#&quot;The Queen and the Thief&quot; .5B2.07.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[2.07] The Queen and the Thief&lt;/font&gt;]]
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 2)#&quot;Light-Fingered Lady&quot; .5B2.13.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[2.13] Light-Fingered Lady&lt;/font&gt;]]
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 2)#&quot;Seance of Terror&quot; .5B2.19.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[2.19] Seance of Terror&lt;/font&gt;]]
|-
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 2)#&quot;Anschluss '77&quot; .5B2.02.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[2.02] Anschluss '77&lt;/font&gt;]]
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 2)#&quot;I Do, I Do&quot; .5B2.08.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[2.08] I Do, I Do&lt;/font&gt;]]
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 2)#&quot;Screaming Javelin&quot; .5B2.14.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[2.14] Screaming Javelin&lt;/font&gt;]]
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 2)#&quot;The Man Who Wouldn't Tell&quot; .5B2.20.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[2.20] The Man Who Wouldn't Tell&lt;/font&gt;]]
|-
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 2)#&quot;The Man Who Could Move the World&quot; .5B2.03.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[2.03] The Man Who Could Move the World&lt;/font&gt;]]
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 2)#&quot;The Man Who Made Volcanoes&quot; .5B2.09.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[2.09] The Man Who Made Volcanoes&lt;/font&gt;]]
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 2)#&quot;Diana's Disappearing Act&quot; .5B2.15.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[2.15] Diana's Disappearing Act&lt;/font&gt;]]
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 2)#&quot;The Girl from Ilandia&quot; .5B2.21.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[2.21] The Girl from Ilandia&lt;/font&gt;]]
|-
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 2)#&quot;The Bermuda Triangle Crisis&quot; .5B2.04.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[2.04] The Bermuda Triangle Crisis&lt;/font&gt;]]
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 2)#&quot;Mind Stealers from Outer Space: Part 1&quot; .5B2.10.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[2.10] Mind Stealers from Outer Space: Part 1&lt;/font&gt;]]
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 2)#&quot;Death in Disguise&quot; .5B2.16.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[2.16] Death in Disguise&lt;/font&gt;]]
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 2)#&quot;The Murderous Missile&quot; .5B2.22.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[2.22] The Murderous Missile&lt;/font&gt;]]
|-
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 2)#&quot;Knockout&quot; .5B2.05.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[2.05] Knockout&lt;/font&gt;]]
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 2)#&quot;Mind Stealers from Outer Space: Part 2&quot; .5B2.11.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[2.11] Mind Stealers from Outer Space: Part 2&lt;/font&gt;]]
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 2)#&quot;IRAC Is Missing&quot; .5B2.17.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[2.17] IRAC Is Missing&lt;/font&gt;]]
|
|-
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 2)#&quot;The Pied Piper&quot; .5B2.06.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[2.06] The Pied Piper&lt;/font&gt;]]
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 2)#&quot;The Deadly Toys&quot; .5B2.12.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[2.12] The Deadly Toys&lt;/font&gt;]]
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 2)#&quot;Flight to Oblivion&quot; .5B2.18.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[2.18] Flight to Oblivion&lt;/font&gt;]]
|
|-
|colspan=4 style=background:blue align=center|&lt;div id=&quot;S3&quot;&gt;&lt;font color=white&gt;'''Season Three''' (22 September 1978 – 11 September 1979)&lt;/font&gt;&lt;/div&gt;
|-
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 3)#&quot;My Teenage Idol is Missing&quot; .5B3.01.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[3.01] My Teenage Idol is Missing&lt;/font&gt;]]
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 3)#&quot;Time Bomb&quot; .5B3.07.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[3.07] Time Bomb&lt;/font&gt;]]
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 3)#&quot;Going, Going, Gone&quot; .5B3.13.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[3.13] Going, Going, Gone&lt;/font&gt;]]
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 3)#&quot;The Girl With a Gift for Disaster&quot; .5B3.19.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[3.19] The Girl With a Gift for Disaster&lt;/font&gt;]]
|-
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 3)#&quot;Hot Wheels&quot; .5B3.02.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[3.02] Hot Wheels&lt;/font&gt;]]
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 3)#&quot;Skateboard Wiz&quot; .5B3.08.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[3.08] Skateboard Wiz&lt;/font&gt;]]
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 3)#&quot;Spaced Out&quot; .5B3.14.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[3.14] Spaced Out&lt;/font&gt;]]
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 3)#&quot;The Boy Who Knew Her Secret: Part 1&quot; .5B3.20.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[3.20] The Boy Who Knew Her Secret: Part 1&lt;/font&gt;]]
|-
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 3)#&quot;The Deadly Sting&quot; .5B3.03.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[3.03] The Deadly Sting&lt;/font&gt;]]
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 3)#&quot;The Deadly Dolphin&quot; .5B3.09.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[3.09] The Deadly Dolphin&lt;/font&gt;]]
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 3)#&quot;The Starships are Coming&quot; .5B3.15.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[3.15] The Starships are Coming&lt;/font&gt;]]
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 3)#&quot;The Boy Who Knew Her Secret: Part 2&quot; .5B3.21.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[3.21] The Boy Who Knew Her Secret: Part 2&lt;/font&gt;]]
|-
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 3)#&quot;The Fine Art of Crime&quot; .5B3.04.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[3.04] The Fine Art of Crime&lt;/font&gt;]]
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 3)#&quot;Stolen Faces&quot; .5B3.10.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[3.10] Stolen Faces&lt;/font&gt;]]
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 3)#&quot;Amazon Hot Wax&quot; .5B3.16.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[3.16] Amazon Hot Wax&lt;/font&gt;]]
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 3)#&quot;The Man Who Could Not Die&quot; .5B3.22.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[3.22] The Man Who Could Not Die&lt;/font&gt;]]
|-
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 3)#&quot;Disco Devil&quot; .5B3.05.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[3.05] Disco Devil&lt;/font&gt;]]
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 3)#&quot;Pot of Gold&quot; .5B3.11.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[3.11] Pot of Gold&lt;/font&gt;]]
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 3)#&quot;The Richest Man in the World&quot; .5B3.17.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[3.17] The Richest Man in the World&lt;/font&gt;]]
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 3)#&quot;The Phantom of the Roller Coaster: Part 1&quot; .5B3.23.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[3.23] The Phantom of the Roller Coaster: Part 1&lt;/font&gt;]]
|-
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 3)#&quot;Formicida&quot; .5B3.06.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[3.06] Formicida&lt;/font&gt;]]
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 3)#&quot;Gault's Brain&quot; .5B3.12.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[3.12] Gault's Brain&lt;/font&gt;]]
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 3)#&quot;A Date with Doomsday&quot; .5B3.18.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[3.18] A Date with Doomsday&lt;/font&gt;]]
|valign=top align=left|[[Wonder Woman (season 3)#&quot;The Phantom of the Roller Coaster: Part 2&quot; .5B3.24.5D|&lt;font color=#B31B1B&gt;[3.24] The Phantom of the Roller Coaster: Part 2&lt;/font&gt;]]
|}
&lt;/center&gt;

==Cast==
*[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]] — Princess Diana of Paradise Island, also known as '''[[Wonder Woman]]''' and [[w:Yeoman (United States Navy)|Yeoman]] [[w:Diana Prince|Diana Prince]]
*[[w:Lyle Waggoner|Lyle Waggoner]] — [[w:Major|Major]] [[w:Steve Trevor|Steve Leonard Trevor, Sr.]]

==See also==
*''[[Wonder Woman]]''

==External links==
{{commons category|Wonder Woman (TV series)}}
*{{IMDb title|id=0074074|title=Wonder Woman}}
*{{IMDb title|id=0073449|title=The New Original Wonder Woman &lt;span style=&quot;font-style:normal&quot;&gt;(1975 pilot)&lt;/span&gt;}}
*[http://metvnetwork.com/shows/wonder-woman ''Wonder Woman''] at [[w:MeTV|MeTV Network]]
*[http://dc.wikia.com/wiki/Wonder_Woman_(TV_Series) ''Wonder Woman'' (TV Series)] at DC Wikia


{| class=&quot;wikitable&quot; border=&quot;1&quot; style=&quot;margin:0 auto 0 auto;&quot;
|-
|style=background:blue align=center|&lt;font color=#ED2939&gt;&amp;nbsp; [[The New Original Wonder Woman|&lt;font color=white&gt;Pilot&lt;/font&gt;]] • [[Wonder Woman (season 1)|&lt;font color=white&gt;Season One&lt;/font&gt;]] • [[Wonder Woman (season 2)|&lt;font color=white&gt;Season Two&lt;/font&gt;]] • [[Wonder Woman (season 3)|&lt;font color=white&gt;Season Three&lt;/font&gt;]] • &lt;font color=gold&gt;Main&lt;/font&gt; &amp;nbsp;&lt;/font&gt;
|}

[[:Category:1970s American television series]] (add this category to [[:Category:Television series by decade]], which in turn should be added to [[:Category:Television shows]])

[[:Category:American TV shows‎]]

[[:Category:ABC shows]]

[[:Category:CBS shows]]

[[:Category:Cancelled shows]]

[[:Category:Television series on DVD‎]]

[[:Category:Television programs based on comics‎]]

[[:Category:Fantasy TV shows]]

[[:Category:Military drama TV shows‎]]

[[:Category:World War II television series]] (add this category to [[:Category:World War II]] and [[:Category:Military drama TV shows]])</text>
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  <page>
    <title>User:Allixpeeke/The New Original Wonder Woman</title>
    <ns>2</ns>
    <id>178207</id>
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      <id>3147741</id>
      <parentid>2857180</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T20:26:12Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* External links */ r/m Template:Tv.com show</comment>
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      <text bytes="19807" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#TV-movie: 1975|The New Original Wonder Woman]]''''' (7 November 1975) was a made-for-T.&amp;nbsp;V. movie which served as the pilot for the '''''[[Wonder Woman (TV series)|Wonder Woman]]''''' television series (1975–1979).&amp;nbsp; Princess Diana is an [[w:Amazons (DC Comics)|Amazon]]ian who lives on [[w:Paradise Island (comics)|Paradise Island]].&amp;nbsp; When a [[man]], [[w:Major|Major]] [[w:Steve Trevor|Steve Trevor, Sr.]] of the [[w:United States Army Air Corps|United States Army Air Corps]] Intelligence Division, lands on Paradise Island, Princess Diana volunteers to take Trevor back to the [[United States of America|States]], where she assumes the identity of [[Wonder Woman]] in order to aid the Americans in their fight against the [[Nazis]] as well as the alter ego [[w:Yeoman (United States Navy)|Yeoman]] [[w:Diana Prince|Diana Prince]].
:''Written by [[w:Stanley Ralph Ross|Stanley Ralph Ross]], directed by [[w:Leonard Horn|Leonard Horn]].''
&lt;center&gt;
{| class=&quot;wikitable&quot; border=&quot;1&quot; |-
|style=background:blue align=center|&lt;font color=#ED2939&gt;&amp;nbsp; &lt;font color=gold&gt;Pilot&lt;/font&gt; • [[Wonder Woman (season 1)|&lt;font color=white&gt;Season One&lt;/font&gt;]] • [[Wonder Woman (season 2)|&lt;font color=white&gt;Season Two&lt;/font&gt;]] • [[Wonder Woman (season 3)|&lt;font color=white&gt;Season Three&lt;/font&gt;]] • [[Wonder Woman (TV series)|&lt;font color=white&gt;Main&lt;/font&gt;]] &amp;nbsp;&lt;/font&gt;
|}&lt;/center&gt;

==''[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#TV-movie: 1975|The New Original Wonder Woman]]'' [pilot]&lt;!--73 min, 45 s, first aired 7 November 1975, set in Summer 1942--&gt;==
[[File:Franklin D. Roosevelt in Washington, Washington, D.C - NARA - 196032.jpg|thumb|[[FDR]] ORDERS RATIONING&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;Newspaper headline&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Bundesarchiv Bild 192-354, KZ Mauthausen, Himmlervisite.jpg|thumb|Three of the [[mechanics]] were severely interrogated by the Gestapo.&amp;nbsp; They have all [[confessed]].&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;Nikolas&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Hippolyte.jpg|thumb|I named this island [[Paradise]] for an [[excellent]] reason: there are no [[men]] on it.&amp;nbsp; Thus, it is free of their [[wars]], their [[greed]], their hostilities, their barbaric, [[masculine]] behaviour…&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;Queen of Paradise Island&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Wonder Woman Lynda Carter.JPG|thumb|There is only one way to break the deadlock: bullets and bracelets.&amp;nbsp; For only [[women]] have the [[requisite|necessary]] [[speed]] and coördination to attempt bullets and bracelets without the loss of [[life]].&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;Queen of Paradise Island&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Lynda Carter Wonder Woman.JPG|thumb|''They'' [[steal]] [[money]], and ''I'' have to fill out forms.&amp;nbsp; What a [[country]] this is.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;Wonder Woman&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Bundesarchiv Bild 146-1994-036-09A, Paris, Parade auf der Champs Elysée.jpg|thumb|The [[Nazis]] don't care about their [[women]].&amp;nbsp; They let you fend for yourself.&amp;nbsp; And any [[civilisation]] that does not [[recognise]] the [[female]] is [[doomed]] to [[destruction]].&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;Wonder Woman&lt;/center&gt;]]
:'''Narrator''':&amp;nbsp; [''opening line'']&amp;nbsp; In this dark [[Summer]] of [[1942]], the onslaught of the [[Third Reich]] continues under the [[leadership]] of ''[[Adolf Hitler|this]]'' indecent and [[corrupt]] man.&amp;nbsp; His over-trained and blindly-[[obedient]] [[army]] continues to ravish what is left of free Europe.&amp;nbsp; While [[Benito Mussolini|Il Duce]] grasps for ''his'' place as this [[wicked]] [[Axis powers|Axis]] tries to dominate the world, [[President of the United States of America|President]] [[Franklin D. Roosevelt|Roosevelt]] and [[Prime Minister of the United Kingdom|Prime Minister]] [[Winston Churchill|Churchill]] gather the [[Allies of World War II|Allies]] in defence of the free world, the ''third'' Axis power plunders across the [[Pacific Ocean|Pacific]].&amp;nbsp; [[Mankind]] is being [[threatened]] by these despicable [[villains]].&amp;nbsp; ''The only [[hope]] for [[freedom]] and [[democracy]] is…''
:'''[[Wonder Woman (TV series)#Theme|Theme]]''':&amp;nbsp; Wonder Woman!&amp;nbsp; Wonder Woman!&amp;nbsp; All the [[world]] is [[waiting]] for you, and the [[power]] you possess, in your [[satin]] tights, [[fighting]] for your [[rights]] and the old [[flag of the United States|red, white, and blue]], Wonder Woman!&amp;nbsp; Wonder Woman!&amp;nbsp; Now the world is ready for you and the [[wonders]] you can do: make a [[war hawk|hawk]] a [[peace dove|dove]], stop a [[war]] with [[love]], make a [[liar]] tell the [[truth]].&amp;nbsp; Wonder Woman!&amp;nbsp; Get us out from under, Wonder Woman!&amp;nbsp; All our [[hopes]] are pinned upon you and the [[magic]] that you do.&amp;nbsp; Stop a [[bullet]] cold.&amp;nbsp; Make the [[Axis powers|Axis]] fold.&amp;nbsp; [[Change]] their [[minds]] and change the world, Wonder Woman!&amp;nbsp; Wonder Woman!&amp;nbsp; You're a wonder, Wonder Woman!
:*Lyrics by [[w:Norman Gimbel|Norman Gimbel]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Oberst|Oberst]] von Blasko''':&amp;nbsp; Speak [[English language|English]], if you don't mind, ''Herr Kapitän'', for [[secrecy]]'s sake, on the off-chance that someone might be [[listening]] and [[learn]] the secret of your [[mission]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Major|Major]] [[w:Steve Trevor|Steven Leonard Trevor, Sr.]]''':&amp;nbsp; General, I can only ''do'' my best.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Princess Diana''':&amp;nbsp; It's a [[man]].&amp;nbsp; He's been [[hurt]].&amp;nbsp; He's almost [[dead]], Rena.
:'''Rena''':&amp;nbsp; A man?&amp;nbsp; Here on our [[island]]?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rena''':&amp;nbsp; I've never seen a man [[in the flesh]] before.
:'''Princess Diana''':&amp;nbsp; Who of us have?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The [[w:Hippolyta (DC Comics)|Queen]] of Paradise Island''':&amp;nbsp; This [[location]] has [[always]] been [[perfect]] for us.&amp;nbsp; In a [[millennium|thousand years]], no one has ever discovered us.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Princess Diana''':&amp;nbsp; Will he be all right?
:'''The Queen''':&amp;nbsp; Yes, in time.&amp;nbsp; But will ''we'' be all right?
:'''Princess Diana''':&amp;nbsp; We, [[Mother]]?
:'''The Queen''':&amp;nbsp; The instant he returns to [[civilisation]], the [[world]] will [[know]] about us.&amp;nbsp; And our island.&amp;nbsp; ''Then'' where will we be?
:'''Princess Diana''':&amp;nbsp; But, surely, some [[men]] ''can'' be [[trusted]].
:'''The Queen''':&amp;nbsp; You're too [[young]] to [[remember]] how we [[women]] were [[slaves]] in [[Ancient Rome|Rome]] and [[Ancient Greece|Greece]].&amp;nbsp; I [[promised]] myself it would [[never]] happen again.&amp;nbsp; We found this island where we could [[live]] in [[harmony]], [[peace]], [[sisterhood]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Queen''':&amp;nbsp; I named this island [[Paradise]] for an [[excellent]] reason: there are no [[men]] on it.&amp;nbsp; Thus, it is free of their [[wars]], their [[greed]], their [[hostilities]], their [[barbaric]], [[masculine]] [[behaviour]]…
:'''Princess Diana''':&amp;nbsp; Thousands of years have passed.&amp;nbsp; Perhaps men are now—different.&amp;nbsp; Perhaps they've come to [[think]] as much of [[peace]] as we do.
:'''The Queen''':&amp;nbsp; We shall soon see.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Princess Diana''':&amp;nbsp; Could I serve as his [[nurse]]?
:'''The Queen''':&amp;nbsp; No.&amp;nbsp; You're the [[princess]].&amp;nbsp; You've been [[trained]] to [[rule]], not to care for the [[needs]] of the [[sick]].
:'''Princess Diana''':&amp;nbsp; Well, then, as a special [[favour]] to me.
:'''The Queen''':&amp;nbsp; No.
:'''Princess Diana''':&amp;nbsp; ''Please'', Mother.
:'''The Queen''':&amp;nbsp; No.
:'''Princess Diana''':&amp;nbsp; It's just for a few [[days]].
:'''The Queen''':&amp;nbsp; No.
:'''Princess Diana''':&amp;nbsp; For [[scientific]] study.
:'''The Queen''':&amp;nbsp; Very well, then.&amp;nbsp; Go, [[observe]] the [[male]] [[species]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Newspaper headline''':&amp;nbsp; [[FDR]] ORDERS [[rationing|RATIONING]]

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Colonel Von Blasko''':&amp;nbsp; There must be a leak somewhere here at the airfield.
:'''Nikolas''':&amp;nbsp; Three of the [[mechanics]] were severely interrogated by the [[Gestapo]].&amp;nbsp; They have all [[confessed]].
:'''Colonel Von Blasko''':&amp;nbsp; Useless!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Queen''':&amp;nbsp; You are [[immortal]], as are all of us on [[w:Paradise Island (comics)|Paradise Island]].&amp;nbsp; If you should ever leave here, you could revert to a [[human being]].
:'''Princess Diana''':&amp;nbsp; Why are you [[telling]] me this [[now]], Mother?
:'''The Queen''':&amp;nbsp; Because I [[sense]] what might happen between you and that man.&amp;nbsp; We are [[stronger]], [[wiser]], and more advanced than ''all'' those people in their [[jungles]] out there!&amp;nbsp; Our civilisation is [[perfection]].
:'''Princess Diana''':&amp;nbsp; No.&amp;nbsp; There's something missing, Mother.&amp;nbsp; When I [[look]] at Steve Trevor, I [[feel]] things, things I've never known before.
:'''The Queen''':&amp;nbsp; There are some things that are better not known.&amp;nbsp; [[Young]] [[Amazons (DC Comics)|Amazon]] [[minds]] are best occupied with [[athletic]] [[discipline]] and higher [[learning]]

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Queen''':&amp;nbsp; To forestall any ill feeling, I have [[planned]] a tournament of athletic [[games]] by which I [[alone]] shall determine the strongest, [[nimblest]], and most likely aspirant for the assignment.
:'''Princess Diana''':&amp;nbsp; A tournament!&amp;nbsp; That's a ''wonderful'' [[idea]], Mother!&amp;nbsp; I look forward to participating in the games myself.
:'''The Queen''':&amp;nbsp; You?&amp;nbsp; ''Never''.
:'''Princess Diana''':&amp;nbsp; But, Mother!
:'''The Queen''':&amp;nbsp; I cannot [[risk]] my only begotten [[child]], our princess, on a mission in behalf of the [[life]] of a [[savage]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Queen''':&amp;nbsp; The events have been tallied and two Amazons are now tied for the [[honour]].&amp;nbsp; There is only one way to break the deadlock: [[bullets]] and [[w:Wonder Woman's bracelets|bracelets]].&amp;nbsp; For only [[women]] have the [[requisite|necessary]] [[speed]] and [[coördination]] to attempt bullets and bracelets without the loss of life.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Queen''':&amp;nbsp; This is the [[golden]] [[belt]].&amp;nbsp; It is the [[symbol]] of Amazon supremacy.&amp;nbsp; So long as you wear it, you will retain your [[cunning]] and [[strength]] away from Paradise Island.&amp;nbsp; And this is your [[w:Golden Lasso|golden lasso]].&amp;nbsp; Besides being made of an indestructible material, it also carries with it the power to compel people to tell the [[truth]].&amp;nbsp; Use it well, and with [[compassion]].&amp;nbsp; You [[realise]] the [[task]] you have [[chosen]] is the most [[difficult]] [[sacrifice]] any person can make.
:'''Princess Diana''':&amp;nbsp; [''still masked'']&amp;nbsp; I do it because I [[love]] my people, I love my [[queen]], but most of all, [''removes mask and wig''] I love my mother.&amp;nbsp; I'm [[sorry]], Mother, but it was the only way.
:'''The Queen''':&amp;nbsp; I would have [[expected]] nothing less from my own [[daughter]].&amp;nbsp; [''they [[hug]]'']
:'''Princess Diana''':&amp;nbsp; I did it for you, mother.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Queen''':&amp;nbsp; [''to Princess Diana, who us now dressed in her Wonder Woman garb'']&amp;nbsp; The [[colours]] were chosen to show your allegiance to [[freedom]] and [[democracy]].&amp;nbsp; The skirt can be discarded if it should prove cumbersome.&amp;nbsp; The material is indestructible.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Queen''':&amp;nbsp; There are many things you don't know about the world of [[men]].&amp;nbsp; There are even some [[women]] there who are less than our Amazonian [[ideal]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Queen''':&amp;nbsp; The [[w:invisible plane|invisible plane]] is waiting.&amp;nbsp; The [[American]] is already aboard.&amp;nbsp; Go in [[peace]], my daughter.&amp;nbsp; '''And [[remember]] that in a world of ordinary [[mortals]], you are a wonder woman.'''&amp;nbsp; [''kisses her daughter's head'']
:'''[[Wonder Woman]]''':&amp;nbsp; I will make you [[proud]] of me, and of Wonder Woman.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''':&amp;nbsp; [''carrying Steve Trevor'']&amp;nbsp; I would like to get this patient admitted.
:'''Nurse Buck''':&amp;nbsp; Just fill out these…forms in triplicate.
:'''Wonder Woman''':&amp;nbsp; You don't understand; he's quite [[ill]] and needs immediate [[attention]].&amp;nbsp; [''places Trevor on a gurney'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''':&amp;nbsp; [''to Nurse Buck'']&amp;nbsp; I'm going to leave my patient in your hands.&amp;nbsp; Thank you.&amp;nbsp; [''exits without filling out any forms'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Marcia''':&amp;nbsp; [''on the phone'']&amp;nbsp; Steve Trevor is ''[[alive]]''.&amp;nbsp; Apparently some [[woman]] is responsible, and she must be found and stopped.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''':&amp;nbsp; You certainly use a lot of material in your dresses.
:'''Brenda''':&amp;nbsp; Oh, well this is downright stingy by comparison to what we had before the [[World War II|war]].&amp;nbsp; These days, what with all the [[rationing]], the dresses are half the size.
:'''Wonder Woman''':&amp;nbsp; Thank you very much for the dress.
:'''Brenda''':&amp;nbsp; You're welcome.
:'''Wonder Woman''':&amp;nbsp; Goodbye.
:'''Brenda''':&amp;nbsp; Goodbye.&amp;nbsp; Just a minute.&amp;nbsp; You can't leave without paying.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''':&amp;nbsp; Excuse me, but that's very [[rude]].
:'''Bank robber''':&amp;nbsp; Get outta here, broad.
:'''Wonder Woman''':&amp;nbsp; It's also [[dangerous]].&amp;nbsp; [''throws bank robber over a car'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cop''':&amp;nbsp; Now, what's your [[story]], [[lady]]?
:'''Wonder Woman''':&amp;nbsp; Story?&amp;nbsp; Well, I know a few [[myths]], but—
:'''Cop''':&amp;nbsp; Oh, a ''[[joker]]'', huh?&amp;nbsp; Okay, suppose we start with your name.
:'''Wonder Woman''':&amp;nbsp; [[Wonder Woman]].
:'''Cop''':&amp;nbsp; Sure, that's the last name: Woman?&amp;nbsp; First name, Wonder.&amp;nbsp; Right?
:'''Wonder Woman''':&amp;nbsp; Right.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cop''':&amp;nbsp; Stay right where you are, Wonder.&amp;nbsp; You caught the [[robbers]], saved the [[money]].&amp;nbsp; You're gonna have to fill out forms.&amp;nbsp; We're gonna need your statement.
:'''Wonder Woman''':&amp;nbsp; [''to herself'']&amp;nbsp; ''They'' [[steal]] money, and ''I'' have to fill out forms.&amp;nbsp; [''shaking her head'']&amp;nbsp; What a [[country]] this is.&amp;nbsp; [''walks off without filling out any forms'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Carl&lt;!--Although Carl tells Wonder Woman that his name is Ashley Norman, we know his actual name is Carl because he refers to himself as such when talking to Marcia on the phone.--&gt;''':&amp;nbsp; Do you know that a [[good]] [[steak]] [[dinner]] [[costs]] over a [[United States dollar|dollar]] these days?&amp;nbsp; It's dis''gus''ting!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:General|General]] Phil Blankenship''':&amp;nbsp; Have they found out anything more about that unusual [[woman]] who dropped him off?
:'''Marcia''':&amp;nbsp; No, nothing, except that she was strangely dressed, very [[physical attractiveness|attractive]], quite [[strong]], and [[femininity|unfemininely]] pushy.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''':&amp;nbsp; I can avoid that bullet faster than you can shoot, Mr. Norman.&amp;nbsp; [''throws Carl over her shoulder'']&amp;nbsp; Ashley Norman, you are certainly one man who is not to be trusted.
:'''Carl&lt;!--Although Carl tells Wonder Woman that his name is Ashley Norman, we know his actual name is Carl because he refers to himself as such when talking to Marcia on the phone.--&gt;''':&amp;nbsp; Please, don't—don't [[hurt]] me.
:'''Wonder Woman''':&amp;nbsp; Hurt you?&amp;nbsp; Where I'm from, we try never to hurt people.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''':&amp;nbsp; It's over, Marcia.&amp;nbsp; You're through.
:'''Marcia''':&amp;nbsp; You may have ''me'', but the [[Third Reich]] will ''[[never]]'' be through.&amp;nbsp; It will go on a [[millennium|''thousand'' years]].
:'''Wonder Woman''':&amp;nbsp; I [[heard]] the [[Ancient Greece|Greeks]] and the [[Roman Empire|Romans]] [[say]] the same thing.
:'''Marcia''':&amp;nbsp; You heard that?
:'''Wonder Woman''':&amp;nbsp; I may be [[older]] than I [[look]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Marcia''':&amp;nbsp; We'll get even with you for this.&amp;nbsp; My people will send ''more'' agents!
:'''Wonder Woman''':&amp;nbsp; No.&amp;nbsp; The [[Nazis]] don't care about their [[women]].&amp;nbsp; They let you fend for yourself.&amp;nbsp; And any [[civilisation]] that does not [[recognise]] the [[female]] is [[doomed]] to [[destruction]].&amp;nbsp; Woman are the wave of the [[future]], and [[sisterhood]] is stronger than anything.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''':&amp;nbsp; I'm going to have to get accustomed to [[men]]…and devious [[women]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Von Blasko''':&amp;nbsp; No one can stop this mission, least of all a [[woman]].
:'''Wonder Woman''':&amp;nbsp; You obviously have little regard for [[womanhood]].&amp;nbsp; You must [[learn]] [[respect]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Phil Blankenship''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, Prince.
:'''[[w:Yeoman (United States Navy)|Yeoman]] [[w:Diana Prince|Diana Prince]]''':&amp;nbsp; Yes, General.
:'''Phil Blankenship''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, Major Trevor, this is Yeoman First Class Diana Prince.
:'''Steve Trevor''':&amp;nbsp; [''shaking her hand'']&amp;nbsp; Nice to meet you, Diana.
:'''Diana Prince''':&amp;nbsp; Major.
:'''Steve Trevor''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, no [[military rank|rank]] around here.&amp;nbsp; Let's just make it Steve and Diana, all right?
:'''Diana Prince''':&amp;nbsp; Thank you, Steve.
:'''Steve Trevor''':&amp;nbsp; Good.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steve Trevor''':&amp;nbsp; You see, I wanted to tell someone something, and…
:'''Diana Prince''':&amp;nbsp; And you couldn't say it.
:'''Steve Trevor''':&amp;nbsp; I'm afraid I don't know how.
:'''Diana Prince''':&amp;nbsp; Just say it.
:'''Steve Trevor''':&amp;nbsp; You mean straight out?
:'''Diana Prince''':&amp;nbsp; Whatever the [[language]], be [[honest]].
:'''Steve Trevor''':&amp;nbsp; You're very [[perceptive]], Diana.
:'''Diana Prince''':&amp;nbsp; I'm a [[woman]].&amp;nbsp; Where I was brought up, women were taught to respect honesty.
:'''Steve Trevor''':&amp;nbsp; Now, I like that.&amp;nbsp; You know, we're going to get along just fine.
:'''Diana Prince''':&amp;nbsp; I'm sure we will.

==Cast==
*[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]] — [[w:Princess|Princess]] Diana of Paradise Island, also known as '''[[Wonder Woman]]''' and [[w:Yeoman (United States Navy)|Yeoman First Class]] [[w:Diana Prince|Diana Prince]]&lt;!--Resident of Paradise Island and member of the American military--&gt;
*[[w:Lyle Waggoner|Lyle Waggoner]] — [[w:Major|Major]] [[w:Steve Trevor|Steven Leonard Trevor, Sr.]]&lt;!--Member of the American military--&gt;
*[[w:John Randolph|John Randolph]] — [[w:General|General]] Phil Blankenship&lt;!--Member of the American military--&gt;
*[[w:Cloris Leachman|Cloris Leachman]] — The [[w:Hippolyta (DC Comics)|Queen]] of Paradise Island&lt;!--Resident of Paradise Island, referred to as Her Majesty and Mother.--&gt;
*[[w:Kenneth Mars|Kenneth Mars]] — [[w:Oberst|Oberst]] von Blasko&lt;!--Member of the American military--&gt;
*[[w:Stella Stevens|Stella Stevens]] — Marcia, also known as Agent M&lt;!--Worked for the American military but secretly a double agent aiding the Nazis--&gt;
*[[w:Henry Gibson|Henry Gibson]] — Nikolas&lt;!--Worked for the Nazis military but secretly a double agent aiding the Allies--&gt;
*[[w:Red Buttons|Red Buttons]] — Carl, also known as Ashley Norman&lt;!--An American civilian but secretly a double agent aiding the Nazis--&gt;
*Helen Verbit — Nurse Buck&lt;!--An American civilian--&gt;
*Inga Neilson — Rena&lt;!--Resident of Paradise Island--&gt;
*Fritzi Burr — Brenda the saleslady&lt;!--An American civilian--&gt;
*[[w:Paul Frees|Paul Frees]] — Narrator

==External links==
*{{IMDb title|id=0073449|title=The New Original Wonder Woman}}
*{{IMDb title|id=0074074|title=Wonder Woman}}

&lt;center&gt;
{| class=&quot;wikitable&quot; border=&quot;1&quot; |-
|style=background:blue align=center|&lt;font color=#ED2939&gt;&amp;nbsp; &lt;font color=gold&gt;Pilot&lt;/font&gt; • [[Wonder Woman (season 1)|&lt;font color=white&gt;Season One&lt;/font&gt;]] • [[Wonder Woman (season 2)|&lt;font color=white&gt;Season Two&lt;/font&gt;]] • [[Wonder Woman (season 3)|&lt;font color=white&gt;Season Three&lt;/font&gt;]] • [[Wonder Woman (TV series)|&lt;font color=white&gt;Main&lt;/font&gt;]] &amp;nbsp;&lt;/font&gt;
|}&lt;/center&gt;

[[:Category:Television show seasons|Wonder Woman (pilot)]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>User:Allixpeeke/Wonder Woman (season 1)</title>
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        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
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      <comment>/* External links */ r/m Template:Tv.com show</comment>
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      <text bytes="34351" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[Wonder Woman (TV series)|Wonder Woman]]''''' (1975–1979 ) was an [[United States of America|American]] [[w:television series|television series]] based on the [[w:DC Comics|DC Comics]] comic book superheroine [[Wonder Woman|of the same name]].&amp;nbsp; '''[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#Season 1: 1976–77|Season one]]''' originally aired from 21 April 1976 to 16 February 1977.

{| class=&quot;wikitable&quot; border=&quot;1&quot; style=&quot;margin:0 auto 0 auto;&quot;
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|style=background:blue align=center|&lt;font color=#ED2939&gt;&amp;nbsp; [[The New Original Wonder Woman|&lt;font color=white&gt;Pilot&lt;/font&gt;]] • &lt;font color=gold&gt;Season One&lt;/font&gt; • [[Wonder Woman (season 2)|&lt;font color=white&gt;Season Two&lt;/font&gt;]] • [[Wonder Woman (season 3)|&lt;font color=white&gt;Season Three&lt;/font&gt;]] • [[Wonder Woman (TV series)|&lt;font color=white&gt;Main&lt;/font&gt;]] &amp;nbsp;&lt;/font&gt;
|}

==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep1|Wonder Woman Meets Baroness Von Gunther]]&quot; [1.01]&lt;!--49 min, 40 s, first aired 21 April 1976--&gt;==
:'''[[w:Yeoman (United States Navy)|Yeoman]] [[w:Diana Prince|Diana Prince]]''':&amp;nbsp; There's no trace of those top-secret orders anywhere.&amp;nbsp; But they ''have'' to be here.&amp;nbsp; I ''[[know]]'' I filed them, but I can't even find the ''folder''.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Major|Major]] [[w:Steve Trevor|Steven Leonard Trevor, Sr.]]''':&amp;nbsp; [[War]] is [[dangerous]], Diana.
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:'''Warden''':&amp;nbsp; My [[son]]&lt;!--Tommy--&gt; lives in a [[fantasy]] world: [[secret]] tunnels, men flying spaceships to the [[Luna|moon]]…I wish he had more [[children]] to [[play]] with so that he wouldn't spend so much [[time]] [[reading]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Baroness|Baroness]] Von Gunther''':&amp;nbsp; [''about Diana Prince'']&amp;nbsp; I'm sure she's [[blind as a bat]] without those [[glasses]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[Wonder Woman]]''':&amp;nbsp; I haven't got time to get my [[lasso]] now, Tommy.&amp;nbsp; Will you pry it loose and take care of it for me 'til I come back?&amp;nbsp; It'll be our secret.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Von Gunther''':&amp;nbsp; This time, Major&lt;!--Steve Trevor--&gt;, you're in a fix even your [[friend]] Wonder Woman can't undo.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Arthur Deal III''':&amp;nbsp; &quot;I, Major Steve Trevor, [[proudly]] [[confess]] that I am a [[Nazi]] [[spy]], and have been for a long time.&amp;nbsp; I personally [[sabotaged]] the [[weapons]] shipment to undermine [[United States of America|America]]'s [[war]] effort.&amp;nbsp; Now I am returning to [[Germany]].&amp;nbsp; But, before leaving, I will destroy a final, top-priority target for the [[glory]] of the [[Third Reich]].&quot;&amp;nbsp; Well, it has a ring to it, don't you think?&amp;nbsp; All it requires is your [[signature]].
:'''Steve Trevor''':&amp;nbsp; [''scoffs'']&amp;nbsp; You'll never get me to sign that.
:'''Von Gunther''':&amp;nbsp; He'll sign.&amp;nbsp; Do you recognise this, Major?
:'''Steve Trevor''':&amp;nbsp; That's Wonder Woman's [[w:Golden Lasso|Golden Lasso]].
:'''Von Gunther''':&amp;nbsp; That's right.&amp;nbsp; And if you ever want to see her [[alive]] again, you'll sign that letter—promptly.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:General|General]] Phil Blankenship''':&amp;nbsp; [''in the presence of Diana Prince'']&amp;nbsp; If Wonder Woman is anywhere near, Steve [[needs]] more than ever before.&amp;nbsp; If ''only'' there were some way to ''contact'' her!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Von Gunther''':&amp;nbsp; [''referring to Tommy'']&amp;nbsp; He&lt;i&gt;'ll&lt;/i&gt; be released—''af''ter our [[plans]] are carried out and I'm on a [[U-boat]] in the [[Atlantic Ocean|Atlantic]]—''[[safe]]'' from your [[democracy|de''mo''cracy]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Warden''':&amp;nbsp; It ''is'' [[real]]!&amp;nbsp; My boy&lt;!--Tommy--&gt; was telling the [[truth]] and I didn't [[believe]] him!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''':&amp;nbsp; [''upon capturing Von Gunther'']&amp;nbsp; Looks like you're going to have more [[time]] to [[read]] about [[democracy]], Baroness.&amp;nbsp; ''[[Lucky]]'' you find it so [[fascinating]].&amp;nbsp; Perhaps now you'll [[appreciate]] it and [[learn]] from your un[[woman]]ly [[mistakes]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Diana Prince''':&amp;nbsp; Well, I certainly [[hope]] the Baroness [[realises]] [[freedom]] and [[democracy]] are the ''only'' causes [[worthy]] of ''her'' [[intelligence]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Diana Prince''':&amp;nbsp; I did some [[research]] about Arthur Deal and it seems that he's a [[victim]] of his own [[avarice]].&amp;nbsp; Perhaps he, too, can learn from his [[experience]].
:'''Steve Trevor''':&amp;nbsp; But Diana, your [[understanding]] and [[compassion]] are ''[[amazing]]''.&amp;nbsp; You ''[[really]] do'' believe that people can learn to [[change]] for the better?
:'''Diana Prince''':&amp;nbsp; Yes.&amp;nbsp; Where I was raised, we were [[taught]] that [[good]] ''must'' [[triumph]] over [[evil]], and that [[women]], and [[men]], can ''learn''.

==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep2|Fausta: The Nazi Wonder Woman]]&quot; [1.02]&lt;!--50 min, 19 s, first aired 28 April 1976--&gt;==
:'''Horst''':&amp;nbsp; [''referring to Wonder Woman'']&amp;nbsp; Just how [[strong]] ''is'' she?
:'''Fausta Grables''':&amp;nbsp; This is what [[Adolf Hitler|the ''Führer'']] wants ''us'' to find out.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Fausta Grables''':&amp;nbsp; How can I [[succeed]] when they assign me [[cowards]]?
:'''Rojak''':&amp;nbsp; Mueller is the [[bravest]] [[man]] I ''[[know]]''.&amp;nbsp; That [[w:Golden Lasso|lasso]] must have [[strange]] powers.
:'''Fausta Grables''':&amp;nbsp; The [[power]] to [[force]] him to tell the [[truth]]?&amp;nbsp; Extraordinary.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steve Trevor''':&amp;nbsp; [''referring to Diana Prince'']&amp;nbsp; Someday, I'll arrange to introduce her to Wonder Woman ''personally''.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steve Trevor''':&amp;nbsp; I'll take my first furlough—behind [[Nazi]] lines.
:'''[[w:Corporal|Corporal]] [[w:Etta Candy|Etta Candy]]''':&amp;nbsp; That doesn't sound very [[restful]] to me.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Wonder Woman's Golden Lasso is tied around Wonder Woman'']
:'''Fausta Grables''':&amp;nbsp; Wonder Woman, where do you come from?
:'''Wonder Woman''':&amp;nbsp; I come from [[w:Paradise Island (comics)|Paradise Island]].
:'''[[w:Colonel|Colonel]] Kesselmann''':&amp;nbsp; Paradise Island?!&amp;nbsp; Hah.&amp;nbsp; And that is on the [[map]]?
:'''Wonder Woman''':&amp;nbsp; No.&amp;nbsp; It's not on any map.
:'''Colonel Kesselmann''':&amp;nbsp; Because there is no such place!&amp;nbsp; [''to Fausta Grables'']&amp;nbsp; Can't you [[realise|see]] she's obviously [[trying]] to [[trick]] us, ''Fräulein''?
:'''Fausta Grables''':&amp;nbsp; [''to Wonder Woman'']&amp;nbsp; What makes you so [[strong]]?
:'''Wonder Woman''':&amp;nbsp; On Paradise Island, there are only [[women]].&amp;nbsp; Because of this [[pure]] [[environment]], we are [[able]] to develop our [[minds]] and and our physical [[skills]] unhampered by [[masculine]] [[destructiveness]].
:'''Colonel Kesselmann''':&amp;nbsp; Stop.&amp;nbsp; Such [[information]] is utter [[rubbish]]!&amp;nbsp; [''to Fausta Grables'']&amp;nbsp; Can't you see she is trying to make ''[[fools]]'' out of us?
:'''Fausta Grables''':&amp;nbsp; Perhaps not!&amp;nbsp; It is an interesting [[theory]] she advances.
:'''Colonel Kesselmann''':&amp;nbsp; I refuse to let you [[waste]] any more [[time]], ''Fräulein''.&amp;nbsp; Now, take that lasso off and bring the [[prisoner]] into the [[questioning]] chamber.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Colonel Kesselmann''':&amp;nbsp; And, now, we will all [[learn]] the [[truth]]!
:'''Fausta Grables''':&amp;nbsp; Then why don't you ask her about this?!&amp;nbsp; [''holds Wonder Woman's belt'']&amp;nbsp; It has something to do with her [[strength]]!
:'''Colonel Kesselmann''':&amp;nbsp; Put it away!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Colonel Kesselmann''':&amp;nbsp; An [[island]] of [[women]]?!&amp;nbsp; Such a place wouldn't last a [[week]]!
:'''Wonder Woman''':&amp;nbsp; We have existed in [[peace]] and [[happiness]] for twenty-six [[centuries]].
:'''Colonel Kesselmann''':&amp;nbsp; Hahaha!&amp;nbsp; You give [[answers]] like that to the ''Führer'' and he'll have you ''both'' put away as [[insane|mad]].
:'''Wonder Woman''':&amp;nbsp; ''Fräulein'' Grables, you are a [[woman]] of great [[intelligence]] and should ''not'' be taking orders from that [[man]].
:'''Colonel Kesselmann''':&amp;nbsp; [[Silence]]!&amp;nbsp; Now, I have had enough of both of you &quot;wonder women.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''':&amp;nbsp; [''to Fausta Grables'']&amp;nbsp; I appeal to your [[womanhood]].&amp;nbsp; Do you [[want]] your [[children]] [[growing up]] under [[tyrants]] like Kesselmann?&amp;nbsp; …&amp;nbsp; I [[hope]] we [[meet]] when you see the [[truth]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steve Trevor''':&amp;nbsp; There's somebody behind you getting ready to crack your [[skull]] with a [[shovel]].
:'''Rojak''':&amp;nbsp; [''slightly laughs'']&amp;nbsp; You disappoint me.&amp;nbsp; You think a member of the [[Nazi]] elite would fall for that old [[trick|tri—]] [''gets his skull cracked with a shovel by a woman behind him'']
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Phil Blankenship''':&amp;nbsp; [''in the presence of Diana Prince'']&amp;nbsp; The same message also reports that Wonder Woman has apparently [[escaped]].&amp;nbsp; I just [[hope]] she [[knows]] about Steve.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''':&amp;nbsp; Fausta, now do you see your ''[[real]]'' [[enemies]]?
:'''Colonel Kesselmann''':&amp;nbsp; Rojak, throw ''Fräulein'' Grables into the [[water]] tank!&amp;nbsp; I will personally pull the switch!
:'''Wonder Woman''':&amp;nbsp; Now do you see how little you mean to them?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''':&amp;nbsp; Fausta, we want to repay you.&amp;nbsp; Come back to [[United States of America|America]] with us.
:'''Fausta Grables''':&amp;nbsp; No, I-I cannot leave my [[Germany|homeland]].
:'''Steve Trevor''':&amp;nbsp; But every [[Nazi]] in the country will be looking for you.
:'''Fausta Grables''':&amp;nbsp; And I will be looking for them.&amp;nbsp; I must show the [[world]] that we are not all Kesselmanns.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''':&amp;nbsp; You are an [[example]] to [[women]] all over the world who want to be [[free]].
:'''Fausta Grables''':&amp;nbsp; And you showed me the way.&amp;nbsp; And now I must show others.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''':&amp;nbsp; You're [[wonderful]].
:'''Steve Trevor''':&amp;nbsp; Well, you're not so bad, yourself, Wonder Woman.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steve Trevor''':&amp;nbsp; [''about Fausta Grables'']&amp;nbsp; The General was most impressed that she [[chose]] to stay behind and [[fight]] for ''[[United States of America|us]]''.&amp;nbsp; That's very [[dangerous]] [[work]]; I don't [[understand|see]] how she does it.
:'''Diana Prince''':&amp;nbsp; Maybe ''all'' [[women]] can do wonders if put to the [[test]].
:'''Steve Trevor''':&amp;nbsp; That's exactly what ''Wonder Woman'' [[said]].
:'''Diana Prince''':&amp;nbsp; Is it?

==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep3|Beauty on Parade]]&quot; [1.03]&lt;!--50 min, 27 s, first aired 13 October 1976, set in May 1942--&gt;&lt;!--Although Diana has spun around in order to change into her Wonder Woman costume in every episode thus far, this marks the first episode in which doing so does not leave garments in Wonder Woman's arms which she must stash somewhere--&gt;==
:'''Colonel Flint''':&amp;nbsp; There isn't a [[person]] on this base who hasn't been cleared for [[military]] [[purposes]].&amp;nbsp; [''two trucks of [[beauty pageant]]&lt;!--finalists in the Miss G. I. Dreamgirl of 1942 Beauty Contest, to be exact--&gt; models plus Jack Wood&lt;!--America's favourite radio comic--&gt; drive up'']
:'''Diana Prince''':&amp;nbsp; Does that include ''them'', Colonel?&amp;nbsp; They don't look very &quot;military&quot; to ''me''.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Diana Prince''':&amp;nbsp; Perhaps if we could get one of our own agents into that beauty contest…
:'''Steve Trevor''':&amp;nbsp; Might flush 'em out.&amp;nbsp; Take a really [[beautiful]] [[lady|girl]], though, someone with all the right [[qualifications]].
:'''Diana Prince''':&amp;nbsp; Well, I'd be willing to ''[[try]]''.
:'''Steve Trevor''':&amp;nbsp; Well, [[thanks]], Diana; I [[know]] you'd do a [[wonderful]] [[job]], but I'm afraid this calls for a really [[gorgeous]] girl, someone who looks great in a [[bathing suit]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jack Wood''':&amp;nbsp; We have a slew of [[tired]] [[G.I. (military)|G.I.s]] coming here [[tomorrow]] [[night]] to [[look]] at [[ladies|girls]].&amp;nbsp; [''referring to Diana Paradise, who is in actuality Diana Prince in [[disguise]]'']&amp;nbsp; [[Depriving]] them of this baby doll would be [[unpatriotic]].&amp;nbsp; [''to Diana Paradise'']&amp;nbsp; Tell me about yourself, sugar; never mind the [[dull]] stuff, get right to your [[phone number]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jack Wood''':&amp;nbsp; Can you [[sing]] or [[dance]] or play a [[musical instrument]]?
:'''Diana Paradise''':&amp;nbsp; Yes.&amp;nbsp; What would you like me to do for you first?
:'''Jack Wood''':&amp;nbsp; If I [[answer]] that [[question]], the [[draft board]] will say that I'm [[young]]-enough to [[fight]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Diana Paradise''':&amp;nbsp; A [[vital]], [[intelligent]] [[woman]] is much more than the sum of her [[birthdays]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steve Trevor''':&amp;nbsp; [''to Wonder Woman upon seeing her push his car away from some trees'']&amp;nbsp; I wonder if you can [[cook]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Diana Prince is in her Diana Paradise disguise'']
:'''Steve Trevor''':&amp;nbsp; It's funny, but [[seeing]] you in that [[dress]] makes me [[realise]] you [[look]] like somebody.
:'''Diana Prince''':&amp;nbsp; Who?&lt;!--Diana should have said &quot;Whom?&quot;--&gt;
:'''Steve Trevor''':&amp;nbsp; [[Joan Crawford]].
:'''Diana Prince''':&amp;nbsp; Well, I'm very [[flattered]], sir.
:'''Steve Trevor''':&amp;nbsp; Around the [[ankles]].
:'''Diana Prince''':&amp;nbsp; [''[[sarcastically]]'']&amp;nbsp; Thanks.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Monty Burns''':&amp;nbsp; [''to Lola Flynn'']&amp;nbsp; My dear, we are going to [[assassinate]] a very important general named [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steve Trevor''':&amp;nbsp; [''as Wonder Woman runs toward the scene'']&amp;nbsp; There's our [[luck]], General, and it never came in a more beautiful package.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Etta Candy''':&amp;nbsp; I just don't understand what happened to Diana, Steve.&amp;nbsp; She was supposed to be in the beauty contest.
:'''Steve Trevor''':&amp;nbsp; Well, it's simple, Etta:&amp;nbsp; When she found out she had to share the stage with Wonder Woman, poor kid probably threw in the sponge.&amp;nbsp; Ah, but what [[woman]] wouldn't?&amp;nbsp; Wonder Woman is just too much.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Diana Prince''':&amp;nbsp; We're running low on graph paper.
:'''Etta Candy''':&amp;nbsp; Graph paper?&amp;nbsp; Is that all you can think about after all that's happened?&amp;nbsp; Being in a beauty contest and meeting Jack Wood—in person?&amp;nbsp; And the ambush of General Eisenhower, and Wonder Woman, and every—
:'''Steve Trevor''':&amp;nbsp; It's no use, Etta; our Diana is strictly [[business]].&amp;nbsp; But maybe, ''just'' maybe, one of these days, she'll get tired of missing all the [[fun]].&amp;nbsp; And when that happens, I'd [[love]] to be around.
:'''Diana Prince''':&amp;nbsp; You will be, Major.&amp;nbsp; That's a [[promise]].

==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep4|The Feminum Mystique Part 1]]&quot; [1.04]&lt;!--48 min, 28 s, first aired 6 November 1976, set in June 1942--&gt;&lt;!--This episode marks the first appearance of Wonder Girl, although she s not referred to as such in the episode--&gt;==
&lt;small&gt;''The titles to this episode and its sequel are a play on the title ''[[The Feminine Mystique]]'' (1963) by [[Betty Friedan]].''&lt;/small&gt;
:'''Steve Trevor''':&amp;nbsp; Where's Diana?&amp;nbsp; I [[hope]] she's all right.
:'''Wonder Woman''':&amp;nbsp; Don't [[worry]] about Diana, I'll find her.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steve Trevor''':&amp;nbsp; Code Z is in effect.&amp;nbsp; I repeat, Code Z is in effect.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Captain Radl''':&amp;nbsp; [''referring to [[w:Wonder Woman's bracelets|Wonder Woman's bracelets]]'']&amp;nbsp; Well, the [[United States of America|America]]ns have got a [[secret weapon]] that makes the XPJ-1 pale into [[insignificance]], a [[weapon]], if properly utilised, could finish [[World War II|this war]] in a matter of [[weeks]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dalma''':&amp;nbsp; Your [[w:Drusilla (DC Comics)|daughter]] grows [[stronger]] and more [[agile]] every day.
:'''The [[w:Hippolyta (DC Comics)|Queen]] of Paradise Island''':&amp;nbsp; Yes, she grows more and more like [[Wonder Woman|her older sister]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Princess|Princess]] [[w:Drusilla (DC Comics)|Drusilla]]''':&amp;nbsp; Oh, not another how-to-be-[[heir]]-to-the-[[throne]] [[lesson]].&amp;nbsp; Diana's the heir, Mother, not me.
:'''The Queen''':&amp;nbsp; I'm very well [[aware]] of that.&amp;nbsp; But it's your older [[sister]] I wish to [[talk]] to you about.&amp;nbsp; When I sent her away to [[United States of America|America]], I had no [[idea]] she would become such a [[legend] as &quot;Wonder Woman.&quot;&amp;nbsp; Now I think it time that she return here and resume her [[duties]].&amp;nbsp; Besides, I miss her.&amp;nbsp; I [[want]] my [[family]] around me.&amp;nbsp; That's why I want you to go to the United States, to [[Washington, D.C.]], and bring Diana back here to [[w:Paradise Island (comics)|Paradise Island]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Diana Prince''':&amp;nbsp; I'm really a terrific [[cook]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Diana Prince''':&amp;nbsp; I'll make you a [[promise]]: ''I'll'' take you out to [[dinner]] sometime.
:'''Etta Candy''':&amp;nbsp; It's not the same, Diana.&amp;nbsp; I mean, you're not a ''[[man]]''.
:'''Diana Prince''':&amp;nbsp; I've always been very [[happy]] about that.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Princess Diana is in her Wonder Woman outfit'']
:'''Princess Drusilla''':&amp;nbsp; Oh, what is this?&amp;nbsp; It's ''really [[good]]''.
:'''Princess Diana''':&amp;nbsp; It's [[ice cream]].&amp;nbsp; What are you ''doing'' here&lt;!--The kitchen of Diana Prince's apartment in the United States of America.--&gt;?
:'''Princess Drusilla''':&amp;nbsp; Mother sent me.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Princess Diana is in her Wonder Woman outfit'']
:'''Princess Diana''':&amp;nbsp; Mother doesn't [[understand]].&amp;nbsp; You see, if I ''don't'' stay here, there may not ''be'' a Paradise Island.&amp;nbsp; It will [[suffer]] with the rest of the [[free world]].&amp;nbsp; …&amp;nbsp; The Americans are fighting a [[World War II|war]] against a [[monstrous|''mon''strous]] [[evil]], the [[Nazis]].&amp;nbsp; Now, if the Nazis ''win'', the whole [[world]] would be subjected to [[slavery]].&amp;nbsp; ''I'' feel that by staying here, I can [[help]] in some small way towards preventing that [[catastrophe]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Princess Diana is in her Wonder Woman outfit'']
:'''Princess Drusilla''':&amp;nbsp; Does that mean I can stay?
:'''Princess Diana''':&amp;nbsp; Yes, but only for a few [[days]], just long enough for me to show you the [[justice]] of the Americans' cause as opposed to the evil of the Nazis'.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Princess Diana is in her Yeoman Diana Prince uniform'']
:'''Princess Diana''':&amp;nbsp; It allows me to be in [[military intelligence]] where I can [[know]] immediately where I am most [[needed]].&amp;nbsp; …&amp;nbsp; [I]&lt;!--Yes, and i--&gt;t also enables me to stay close to Steve—Major Trevor.&amp;nbsp; I [[work]] for him.
:'''Princess Drusilla''':&amp;nbsp; You work for a ''[[man]]''?
:'''Princess Diana''':&amp;nbsp; Yes.
:'''Princess Drusilla''':&amp;nbsp; He tells you what to do and you ''do'' it?
:'''Princess Diana''':&amp;nbsp; Yes.
:'''Princess Drusilla''':&amp;nbsp; What are they like, Diana, men?
:'''Princess Diana''':&amp;nbsp; Oh…they're like [[children]], they're like [[gods]]…they're like [[geniuses]], and [[fools]]…they are [[all]] things.
:'''Princess Drusilla''':&amp;nbsp; Will I get to [[meet]] any?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Princess Diana is in her Yeoman Diana Prince uniform'']
:'''Princess Diana''':&amp;nbsp; Okay, we have to get you some [[clothes]] for now.&amp;nbsp; Tomorrow we'll go [[shopping]] and we'll gave you [[appearing|looking]] like a [[teenager]] in no time.
:'''Princess Drusilla''':&amp;nbsp; What?&amp;nbsp; What's a teenager?
:'''Princess Diana''':&amp;nbsp; A teenager is what they call a [[young]] [[person]] here in the United States.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Princess Diana is in her Yeoman Diana Prince uniform'']
:'''Princess Drusilla''':&amp;nbsp; Would they really make [[slaves]] of [[everyone]], these Nazis?
:'''Princess Diana''':&amp;nbsp; Yes, if they're allowed to.
:'''Princess Drusilla''':&amp;nbsp; Well, then you're right: we must help stop them.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steve Trevor''':&amp;nbsp; Well, this is quite a [[surprise]].&amp;nbsp; I didn't even know you ''had'' a sister, Diana.&amp;nbsp; Welcome to Washington, Dru.
:'''Dru Prince''':&amp;nbsp; Thank you.
:'''Peter Knight''':&amp;nbsp; Uhr, it's a surprise to me, too—a pleasant one.&amp;nbsp; [[out of the blue (idiom)|Out of the blue]], I have a [[dating|date]] when I thought I was going to be stag, tonight.
:'''Dru Prince''':&amp;nbsp; I shot one of those once, with my [[crossbow]].
:'''Peter Knight''':&amp;nbsp; You what?
:'''Dru Prince''':&amp;nbsp; A stag.&amp;nbsp; It was a twelve-pointer.&amp;nbsp; Diana, you [[remember]] when we were—
:'''Diana Prince''':&amp;nbsp; [[honey (term of endearment)|Honey]], what he means is that he's so pleased to have such a [[pretty]] [[girl]] for company tonight.
:'''Dru Prince''':&amp;nbsp; You are?
:'''Peter Knight''':&amp;nbsp; Certainly.
:'''Dru Prince''':&amp;nbsp; Diana, I like men.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Boy''':&amp;nbsp; Hi, cupcake.&amp;nbsp; [''Princess Drusilla looks behind her'']&amp;nbsp; No, you.&amp;nbsp; Where've you been all my life?
:'''Princess Drusilla''':&amp;nbsp; Paradise Island.
:'''Boy''':&amp;nbsp; Paradise Island?
:'''Boy 2''':&amp;nbsp; Wow, we've got us a fruitcake.
:'''Princess Drusilla''':&amp;nbsp; [''to boy 2'']&amp;nbsp; You have a remarkable number of [[pimples|red spots]] on your [[face]].
:'''Boy''':&amp;nbsp; [''to Princess Drusilla'']&amp;nbsp; Hey, you wanna [[soda]]?
:'''Princess Drusilla''':&amp;nbsp; A soda?
:'''Boy''':&amp;nbsp; Alright, I-I'll spring for a [[banana split]] then.
:'''Princess Drusilla''':&amp;nbsp; Oh, I like [[bananas]].&amp;nbsp; Do you think I could have some &quot;[[ice cream]]&quot; with that?
:'''Boy''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, you're neat.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Princess Diana is in her Yeoman Diana Prince uniform'']
:'''Princess Diana''':&amp;nbsp; I'll pick you up, and then we'll go shopping.
:'''Princess Drusilla''':&amp;nbsp; [''over the phone'']&amp;nbsp; Neat.&amp;nbsp; [''hangs up'']
:'''Princess Diana''':&amp;nbsp; [''to herself'']&amp;nbsp; &quot;Neat.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dru Prince''':&amp;nbsp; I understand that, but why is the Americans' cause just and the Nazis' cause unjust?
:'''Phil Blankenship''':&amp;nbsp; [''[[chuckles]]'']&amp;nbsp; You ask [[strange]] [[questions]] for someone so young, my dear.
:'''Dru Prince''':&amp;nbsp; Well, it's very [[important]] that I understand if I'm to [[explain]] it to my [[mother]].
:'''Phil Blankenship''':&amp;nbsp; Oh, I'm [[sure]] she already knows.
:'''Dru Prince''':&amp;nbsp; Oh, no, she doesn't; that's why Diana asked me to [[explain]] it to her.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dru Prince''':&amp;nbsp; [''to the phone operator'']&amp;nbsp; I ''know'' there's a [[World War II|war]] going on; that's why I want the [[phone number|number]] of the ''War'' Department.&amp;nbsp; [''gets hung up on'']
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dru Prince''':&amp;nbsp; Well, I [[need]] to [[speak]] with the military intelligence in [[Washington, D.C.|Washington]].&amp;nbsp; General Blankenship's just been [[kidnapped]].
:'''Mechanic''':&amp;nbsp; Sure, and [[President of the United States|President]] [[Franklin D. Roosevelt|Roosevelt]]'s a [[Nazi]] [[spy]].
:'''Dru Prince''':&amp;nbsp; I didn't know ''that''.&amp;nbsp; Are you sure?
:'''Mechanic''':&amp;nbsp; Let's [[discuss]] it over a [[root beer]].&amp;nbsp; We could [[listen]] to this ''great'' new [[gramophone record|disc]] I just got, um…''new'' guy, knocking 'em ''dead''—Sinatra!&amp;nbsp; [[Frank Sinatra|Fred Sinatra]], I ''think''.
:'''Dru Prince''':&amp;nbsp; I'm sorry, I really don't have [[time]].&amp;nbsp; But if that Mister Sinatra you're talking about is [[really]] knocking [[people]] [[dead]], something should be done about him right away.
:'''Mechanic''':&amp;nbsp; [''[[laughs]]'']&amp;nbsp; You're a ''riot''.&amp;nbsp; [[Cute]], too.

==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep5|The Feminum Mystique Part 2]]&quot; [1.05]&lt;!--50 min, 20 s, first aired 8 November 1976, set in June 1942--&gt;==
:'''[[Lynda Carter]]''':&amp;nbsp; This is Lynda Carter and here're some scenes from [[#&quot;The Feminum Mystique Part 2&quot; .5B1.05.5D|Part 1 of &quot;The Feminum Mystique]].[[#&quot;The Feminum Mystique Part 2&quot; .5B1.05.5D|&quot;]]&amp;nbsp; [''various scenes from the previous episode play'']&amp;nbsp; And now, the conclusion of &quot;The Feminum Mystique.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steve Trevor''':&amp;nbsp; Have you tried calling your [[family]]?
:'''Diana Prince''':&amp;nbsp; It's a little bit [[difficult]] to get through to them.
:'''Steve Trevor''':&amp;nbsp; They don't have a [[telephone]]?
:'''Diana Prince''':&amp;nbsp; Oh, no.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steve Trevor''':&amp;nbsp; Incidentally, where ''is'' &quot;[[home]]&quot;?
:'''Diana Prince''':&amp;nbsp; Well, [[w:Paradise Island|it]]'s a long way from here and, right now, I'd rather stay in [[Washington, D. C.|Washington]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Peter Knight''':&amp;nbsp; [''referring to feminum'']&amp;nbsp; I've checked the [[crystalline]], the [[chemical]], and the [[mechanical]] [[heterogeneity]]; it's like ''nothing'' I've ever come across before.&amp;nbsp; …&amp;nbsp; If it's an [[alloy]], I've no [[idea]] of its components; if it's in its [[natural]] state, I don't know where it comes from.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Peter Knight''':&amp;nbsp; [''believing Wonder Girl to be Wonder Woman'']&amp;nbsp; You're [[strong]] and you're [[capable]].&amp;nbsp; …&amp;nbsp; You have these [[powers]]; I've [[seen]] you.&amp;nbsp; You're super strong.&amp;nbsp; You can deflect [[bullets]].
:'''[[w:Wonder Girl|Wonder Girl]]''':&amp;nbsp; But not without my [[w:feminum bracelets|feminum bracelets]] and, well, they took them from me.
:'''Peter Knight''':&amp;nbsp; What's feminum?
:'''Wonder Girl''':&amp;nbsp; It's the [[metal]] that we make the bracelets ''from''.&amp;nbsp; …&amp;nbsp; There's only one source of it in the whole ''[[world]]''.
:'''Peter Knight''':&amp;nbsp; Where's that?
:'''Wonder Girl''':&amp;nbsp; I'm afraid I can't tell you that.&amp;nbsp; …&amp;nbsp; That's one of the very first commandments:&amp;nbsp; &quot;Never tell anyone about [[w:Paradise Island (comics)|Paradise Island]].&quot;&amp;nbsp; Oh, dear.&amp;nbsp; I've gone and told you.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Wonder Girl''':&amp;nbsp; Unless you [[know]] exactly where it is, you could [[sail]] by it without and never really [[see]] it.&amp;nbsp; I think it has something to do with [[refraction]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steve Trevor''':&amp;nbsp; Well, the [[Nazis]] are ordering up a land ''attack'' force; but there's no ''[[land]]'' there.
:'''Diana Prince''':&amp;nbsp; Where?
:'''Steve Trevor''':&amp;nbsp; Right there.&amp;nbsp; [[latitude|30°&amp;nbsp;22']]&amp;nbsp;[[north|N]], [[longitude|64°&amp;nbsp;47']]&amp;nbsp;[[west|W]].
:'''Diana Prince''':&amp;nbsp; [''to herself'']&amp;nbsp; Paradise Island.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Diana Prince''':&amp;nbsp; I have [[w:invisible plane|my own transportation]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Queen''':&amp;nbsp; Diana, darling.
:'''Princess Diana''':&amp;nbsp; Yes, Mother?
:'''The Queen''':&amp;nbsp; Why don't you just [[reason]] with your Nazis?
:'''Princess Diana''':&amp;nbsp; Mother, would you take my word for it?&amp;nbsp; There is no reasoning with the Nazis.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Queen''':&amp;nbsp; These Nazis don't stand a [[chance]] against my [[w:Amazons (DC Comics)|Amazons]].
:'''Princess Diana''':&amp;nbsp; Don't be so sure, Mother.&amp;nbsp; They're [[clever]] and they're [[devious]], like most [[men]].
:'''The Queen''':&amp;nbsp; Like your [[United States of America|American]] [[friend]] Major Trevor?
:'''Princess Diana''':&amp;nbsp; He's clever, but he doesn't have a devious [[bone]] in his [[body]].
:'''The Queen''':&amp;nbsp; You should know, Daughter.&amp;nbsp; [''exits'']
:'''Princess Diana''':&amp;nbsp; [''quietly'']&amp;nbsp; Mother!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Princess Diana''':&amp;nbsp; [''on the Nazis'']&amp;nbsp; They are [[cruel]], [[inhuman]], and [[barbaric]]—but they are [[predictable]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Princess Diana is in her Wonder Woman outfit'']
:'''Dalma''':&amp;nbsp; Diana, tell us again about the Nazi [[men]].&amp;nbsp; [[Blond]] [[hair]], [[blue]] [[eyes]]…
:'''Magda''':&amp;nbsp; What ''are'' they like?
:'''Princess Diana''':&amp;nbsp; I've told you this before.&amp;nbsp; They are not like other [[men]].&amp;nbsp; They [[destroy]] what they cannot [[control]].
:'''Dalma''':&amp;nbsp; But I thought ''[[all]]'' [[men]] were like that.
:'''Princess Diana''':&amp;nbsp; There are some [[good]] [[men]] in the outside world.&amp;nbsp; They are the ones we must [[help]] ''[[defeat]]'' the Nazis.
:'''Magda''':&amp;nbsp; Maybe, uh…maybe &lt;i&gt;we&lt;/i&gt;'ll [[greet]] the Nazis, and [[welcome]] them, and find out for our''selves'' what they are ''[[really]]'' like.
:'''Princess Diana''':&amp;nbsp; You'll have to take my word for what they're really like.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Captain Radl''':&amp;nbsp; Wait 'till I contact [[Berlin]] and tell them we've [[conquered]] a whole ''[[island]]'' of Wonder Women.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Queen''':&amp;nbsp; My [[safety]] is unimportant as long as my people are [[imprisoned]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Captain Radl''':&amp;nbsp; Madame, we are at ''[[war]]''.
:'''The Queen''':&amp;nbsp; That is no [[justification]] for [[murdering|killing]] [[innocent]] [[people]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Captain Radl''':&amp;nbsp; Berlin is interested in where they get their strength and [[longevity]].&amp;nbsp; We're to send them to Berlin for a study and…[[possible]] [[breeding]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Queen''':&amp;nbsp; Captain, you Nazis—what is it you [[hope]] to [[gain]] by [[World War II|this war]]?
:'''Captain Radl''':&amp;nbsp; [[Lebensraum|Living space]], Madame.&amp;nbsp; The [[Third Reich]] [[needs]] living space.
:'''The Queen''':&amp;nbsp; The entire world.
:'''Captain Radl''':&amp;nbsp; If [[necessary]].
&lt;!--While flying back from Paradise Island to Virginia, Princesses Diana and Drusilla pass the Statue of Liberty, even though they are in a hurry and the Statue of Liberty is out of their way.--&gt;&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Diana Prince''':&amp;nbsp; Let's just say Dru is acting like a [[teenager]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Boy''':&amp;nbsp; You really know how to [[cut a rug]].
:'''Dru Prince''':&amp;nbsp; I know how to [[dance]], too.
:'''Boy''':&amp;nbsp; That's what I said.
:'''Dru Prince''':&amp;nbsp; Gee, could I have some more [[ice cream]]?
:'''Boy''':&amp;nbsp; More?
:'''Dru Prince''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, there's still three [[flavours]] I haven't [[tasted]] yet.
:'''Boy''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, I guess so.
:'''Dru Prince''':&amp;nbsp; Neat.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steve Trevor''':&amp;nbsp; Well, I sure don't want ''you'' to go.
:'''Diana Prince''':&amp;nbsp; You don't?
:'''Steve Trevor''':&amp;nbsp; Why, no.&amp;nbsp; You're the best [[secretary]] I've ever had.&amp;nbsp; It would take me ''[[weeks]]'' to replace you.&amp;nbsp; [''Diana stops eating, Steve chuckles'']&amp;nbsp; I'm just [[kidding]].&amp;nbsp; The [[truth]] is, you're irreplaceable.&amp;nbsp; And I don't mean that just as a secretary.

==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep6|Wonder Woman vs. Gargantua!]]&quot; [1.06]&lt;!--49 min, 56 s, first aired 18 December 1976, set in May 1942--&gt;==


:'''Diana Prince''':&amp;nbsp; 
:'''Steve Trevor''':&amp;nbsp; 
:'''Diana Prince''':&amp;nbsp; 
:'''Steve Trevor''':&amp;nbsp; 
:'''Diana Prince''':&amp;nbsp; 
:'''Steve Trevor''':&amp;nbsp; 
:'''Diana Prince''':&amp;nbsp; 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steve Trevor''':&amp;nbsp; 
:'''Diana Prince''':&amp;nbsp; 
:'''Steve Trevor''':&amp;nbsp; 
:'''Diana Prince''':&amp;nbsp; 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''xxxxxx''':&amp;nbsp; 
:'''xxxxxx''':&amp;nbsp; 
:'''xxxxxx''':&amp;nbsp; 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''xxxxxx''':&amp;nbsp; 
:'''xxxxxx''':&amp;nbsp; 
:'''xxxxxx''':&amp;nbsp; 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''xxxxxx''':&amp;nbsp; 
:'''xxxxxx''':&amp;nbsp; 
:'''xxxxxx''':&amp;nbsp; 


&lt;!--Begin at 00:00--&gt;
&lt;!-- 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0074074/fullcredits?ref_=tt_cl_sm#cast

http://dc.wikia.com/wiki/Wonder_Woman_(TV_Series)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wonder_Woman_(TV_series)

--&gt;

==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep7|The Pluto File]]&quot; [1.07]&lt;!--XX min, XX s, first aired 25 December 1976--&gt;==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep8|Last of the Two-Dollar Bills]]&quot; [1.08]&lt;!--XX min, XX s, first aired 8 January 1977--&gt;==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep9|Judgment From Outer Space Part 1]]&quot; [1.09]&lt;!--XX min, XX s, first aired 15 January 1977--&gt;==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep10|Judgment From Outer Space Part 2]]&quot; [1.10]&lt;!--XX min, XX s, first aired 17 January 1977--&gt;==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep11|Formula 407]]&quot; [1.11]&lt;!--XX min, XX s, first aired 22 January 1977--&gt;==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep12|The Bushwackers]]&quot; [1.12]&lt;!--XX min, XX s, first aired 29 January 1977--&gt;==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep13|Wonder Woman in Hollywood]]&quot; [1.13]&lt;!--XX min, XX s, first aired 16 February 1977--&gt;==
==Cast==
*[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]] — [[w:Princess|Princess]] Diana of Paradise Island, also known as '''[[Wonder Woman]]''' and [[w:Yeoman (United States Navy)|Yeoman First Class]] [[w:Diana Prince|Diana Prince]]&lt;!--S1E1, E2, E3, E4, E5, E6--&gt;
*[[w:Lyle Waggoner|Lyle Waggoner]] — [[w:Major|Major]] [[w:Steve Trevor|Steven Leonard Trevor, Sr.]]&lt;!--S1E1, E2, E3, E4, E5, E6--&gt;
*[[w:Richard Eastham|Richard Eastham]] — [[w:General|General]] Phil Blankenship&lt;!--S1E1, E2, E3, E4, E5--&gt;
*[[w:Beatrice Colen|Beatrice Colen]] — [[w:Corporal|Corporal]] [[w:Etta Candy|Etta Candy]]&lt;!--S1E1, E2, E3, E4, E5--&gt;
*[[w:Carolyn Jones|Carolyn Jones]] — The [[w:Hippolyta (DC Comics)|Queen]] of Paradise Island&lt;!--Referred to as Her Majesty and Mother in the pilot, referred to as Her Majesty and Your Highness in S1E4.--&gt;&lt;!--S1E4, E5--&gt;
*[[w:Debra Winger|Debra Winger]] — Princess [[w:Drusilla (DC Comics)|Drusilla]] of Paradise Island, also known as [[w:Wonder Girl|Wonder Girl]] and Dru Prince&lt;!--S1E4, E5--&gt;
*Erica Hagen — Dalma&lt;!--S1E4, E5--&gt;
*[[w:Pamela Susan Shoop|Pamela Susan Shoop]] — Magda&lt;!--S1E4, E5--&gt;
*[[w:John Saxon (actor)|John Saxon]] — [[w:Captain|Captain]] Radl&lt;!--S1E4, E5--&gt;
*[[w:Charles Frank|Charles Frank]] — Peter Knight&lt;!--S1E4, E5--&gt;
*[[w:Christine Belford|Christine Belford]] — [[w:Baroness|Baroness]] Von Gunther&lt;!--S1E1--&gt;
*[[w:Bo Brundin|Bo Brundin]] — [[w:Colonel|Colonel]] Kesselmann&lt;!--S1E2--&gt;
*[[w:Lynda Day George|Lynda Day George]] — Fausta Grables&lt;!--S1E2--&gt;
*[[w:Dick Van Patten|Dick Van Patten]] — Jack Wood&lt;!--S1E3--&gt;
*Cannot find actor's name — General [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]]&lt;!--S1E3--&gt;
*Mickey Morton — Gargantua&lt;!--S1E6--&gt;

==External links==
*{{IMDb title|id=0074074|title=Wonder Woman}}

{| class=&quot;wikitable&quot; border=&quot;1&quot; style=&quot;margin:0 auto 0 auto;|-
|style=background:blue align=center|&lt;font color=#ED2939&gt;&amp;nbsp; [[The New Original Wonder Woman|&lt;font color=white&gt;Pilot&lt;/font&gt;]] • &lt;font color=gold&gt;Season One&lt;/font&gt; • [[Wonder Woman (season 2)|&lt;font color=white&gt;Season Two&lt;/font&gt;]] • [[Wonder Woman (season 3)|&lt;font color=white&gt;Season Three&lt;/font&gt;]] • [[Wonder Woman (TV series)|&lt;font color=white&gt;Main&lt;/font&gt;]] &amp;nbsp;&lt;/font&gt;
|}

[[:Category:Television show seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>1yws15uwd691uy7jql48f73hxmiwdoq</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>User:Allixpeeke/Wonder Woman (season 2)</title>
    <ns>2</ns>
    <id>178227</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147746</id>
      <parentid>2857217</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T20:45:32Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* External links */ r/m Template:Tv.com show</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="3075" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:Wonder Woman (TV series)|Wonder Woman]]''''' (1975–1979 ) was an [[United States of America|American]] [[w:television series|television series]] based on the [[w:DC Comics|DC Comics]] comic book superheroine [[Wonder Woman|of the same name]].&amp;nbsp; '''[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#Season 2: 1977–78|Season two]]''' originally aired from 16 September 1977 to 21 April 1978.

{| class=&quot;wikitable&quot; border=&quot;1&quot; style=&quot;margin:0 auto 0 auto;|-
|style=background:blue align=center|&lt;font color=#ED2939&gt;&amp;nbsp; [[The New Original Wonder Woman|&lt;font color=white&gt;Pilot&lt;/font&gt;]] • [[Wonder Woman (season 1)|&lt;font color=white&gt;Season One&lt;/font&gt;]] • &lt;font color=gold&gt;Season Two&lt;/font&gt; • [[Wonder Woman (season 3)|&lt;font color=white&gt;Season Three&lt;/font&gt;]] • [[Wonder Woman (TV series)|&lt;font color=white&gt;Main&lt;/font&gt;]] &amp;nbsp;&lt;/font&gt;
|}

==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep14|The Return of Wonder Woman]]&quot; [2.01]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep15|Anschluss '77]]&quot; [2.02]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep16|The Man Who Could Move the World]]&quot; [2.03]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep17|The Bermuda Triangle Crisis]]&quot; [2.04]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep18|Knockout]]&quot; [2.05]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep19|The Pied Piper]]&quot; [2.06]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep20|The Queen and the Thief]]&quot; [2.07]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep21|I Do, I Do]]&quot; [2.08]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep22|The Man Who Made Volcanoes]]&quot; [2.09]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep23|Mind Stealers from Outer Space: Part 1]]&quot; [2.10]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep24|Mind Stealers from Outer Space: Part 2]]&quot; [2.11]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep25|The Deadly Toys]]&quot; [2.12]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep26|Light-Fingered Lady]]&quot; [2.13]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep27|Screaming Javelin]]&quot; [2.14]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep28|Diana's Disappearing Act]]&quot; [2.15]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep29|Death in Disguise]]&quot; [2.16]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep30|IRAC Is Missing]]&quot; [2.17]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep31|Flight to Oblivion]]&quot; [2.18]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep32|Seance of Terror]]&quot; [2.19]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep33|The Man Who Wouldn't Tell]]&quot; [2.20]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep34|The Girl from Ilandia]]&quot; [2.21]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep35|The Murderous Missile]]&quot; [2.22]==
==Cast==
==External links==
*{{IMDb title|id=0074074|title=Wonder Woman}}

{| class=&quot;wikitable&quot; border=&quot;1&quot; style=&quot;margin:0 auto 0 auto;|-
|style=background:blue align=center|&lt;font color=#ED2939&gt;&amp;nbsp; [[The New Original Wonder Woman|&lt;font color=white&gt;Pilot&lt;/font&gt;]] • [[Wonder Woman (season 1)|&lt;font color=white&gt;Season One&lt;/font&gt;]] • &lt;font color=gold&gt;Season Two&lt;/font&gt; • [[Wonder Woman (season 3)|&lt;font color=white&gt;Season Three&lt;/font&gt;]] • [[Wonder Woman (TV series)|&lt;font color=white&gt;Main&lt;/font&gt;]] &amp;nbsp;&lt;/font&gt;
|}

[[:Category:Television show seasons]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>User:Allixpeeke/Wonder Woman (season 3)</title>
    <ns>2</ns>
    <id>178228</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147748</id>
      <parentid>2853727</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T20:49:46Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* External links */ r/m Template:Tv.com show</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="3201" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:Wonder Woman (TV series)|Wonder Woman]]''''' (1975–1979 ) was an [[United States of America|American]] [[w:television series|television series]] based on the [[w:DC Comics|DC Comics]] comic book superheroine [[Wonder Woman|of the same name]].&amp;nbsp; '''[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#Season 3: 1978–79|Season three]]''' originally aired from 22 September 1978 to 11 September 1979.
&lt;center&gt;
{| class=&quot;wikitable&quot; border=&quot;1&quot; |-
|style=background:blue align=center|&lt;font color=#ED2939&gt;&amp;nbsp; [[The New Original Wonder Woman|&lt;font color=white&gt;Pilot&lt;/font&gt;]] • [[Wonder Woman (season 1)|&lt;font color=white&gt;Season One&lt;/font&gt;]] • [[Wonder Woman (season 2)|&lt;font color=white&gt;Season Two&lt;/font&gt;]] • &lt;font color=gold&gt;Season Three&lt;/font&gt; • [[Wonder Woman (TV series)|&lt;font color=white&gt;Main&lt;/font&gt;]] &amp;nbsp;&lt;/font&gt;
|}&lt;/center&gt;

==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep36|My Teenage Idol is Missing]]&quot; [3.01]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep37|Hot Wheels]]&quot; [3.02]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep38|The Deadly Sting]]&quot; [3.03]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep39|The Fine Art of Crime]]&quot; [3.04]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep40|Disco Devil]]&quot; [3.05]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep41|Formicida]]&quot; [3.06]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep42|Time Bomb]]&quot; [3.07]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep43|Skateboard Wiz]]&quot; [3.08]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep44|The Deadly Dolphin]]&quot; [3.09]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep45|Stolen Faces]]&quot; [3.10]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep46|Pot of Gold]]&quot; [3.11]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep47|Gault's Brain]]&quot; [3.12]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep48|Going, Going, Gone]]&quot; [3.13]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep49|Spaced Out]]&quot; [3.14]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep50|The Starships are Coming]]&quot; [3.15]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep51|Amazon Hot Wax]]&quot; [3.16]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep52|The Richest Man in the World]]&quot; [3.17]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep53|A Date with Doomsday]]&quot; [3.18]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep54|The Girl With a Gift for Disaster]]&quot; [3.19]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep55|The Boy Who Knew Her Secret: Part 1]]&quot; [3.20]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep56|The Boy Who Knew Her Secret: Part 2]]&quot; [3.21]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep57|The Man Who Could Not Die]]&quot; [3.22]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep58|The Phantom of the Roller Coaster: Part 1]]&quot; [3.23]==
==&quot;[[w:List of Wonder Woman episodes#ep59|The Phantom of the Roller Coaster: Part 2]]&quot; [3.24]==
==Cast==
==External links==
*{{IMDb title|id=0074074|title=Wonder Woman}}

&lt;center&gt;
{| class=&quot;wikitable&quot; border=&quot;1&quot; |-
|style=background:blue align=center|&lt;font color=#ED2939&gt;&amp;nbsp; [[The New Original Wonder Woman|&lt;font color=white&gt;Pilot&lt;/font&gt;]] • [[Wonder Woman (season 1)|&lt;font color=white&gt;Season One&lt;/font&gt;]] • [[Wonder Woman (season 2)|&lt;font color=white&gt;Season Two&lt;/font&gt;]] • &lt;font color=gold&gt;Season Three&lt;/font&gt; • [[Wonder Woman (TV series)|&lt;font color=white&gt;Main&lt;/font&gt;]] &amp;nbsp;&lt;/font&gt;
|}&lt;/center&gt;

[[:Category:Television show seasons]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Pokémon/Season 16</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>178391</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3148009</id>
      <parentid>3135540</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T04:45:22Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>24.64.96.171</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* A Unova League Evolution! */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="16176" xml:space="preserve">----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Pokémon/Season 1|1]] [[Pokémon/Season 2|2]] [[Pokémon/Season 3|3]] [[Pokémon/Season 4|4]] [[Pokémon/Season 5|5]] [[Pokémon/Season 6|6]] [[Pokémon/Season 7|7]] [[Pokémon/Season 8|8]] [[Pokémon/Season 9|9]] [[Pokémon/Season 10|10]] [[Pokémon/Season 11|11]] [[Pokémon/Season 12|12]] [[Pokémon/Season 13|13]] [[Pokémon/Season 14|14]] [[Pokémon/Season 15|15]] [[Pokémon/Season 16|16]] [[Pokémon/Season 17|17]] [[Pokemon/Season 18|18]] [[Pokémon/Season 19|19]] [[Pokémon/Season 20|20]] [[Pokémon/Season 21|21]] [[Pokémon/Season 22|22]] | [[Pokémon|Main]]
----
&lt;br/&gt;
This is a list of episodes in Pokémon: Black and White Adventures in Unova, the sixteenth season of the Pokémon animated series

== Beauties Battling for Pride and Prestige! ==
:'''Moira''': I innocently let my Cinccino out to become more beautiful by getting some fresh air, when your unattractive Emolga attacked it, putting it's beauty in jeopardy. The nerve of your unsaintly Pokémon!
:'''Mona''': You tell them, my dear Moira!
:'''Iris''': HOW DARE YOU?!
:'''Moira''': And then there's your Snivy! It's unattractive on the outside and the inside!

== A Surface to Air Tag Battle Team! ==

== A Village Homecoming! ==

== Drayden Versus Iris: Past, Present, and Future! ==
:'''Officer Jenny''': ''[over microphone]'' You are not allowed up there without proper authorization. Come down here at once!
:'''Ash''': You could get hurt, Iris!
:'''Officer Jenny''': Iris? Not her again!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Officer Jenny''': How many times have I told you? Climbing that tower is dangerous! Listen, what would've happened if you'd fallen off? Are you listening to me?!
:'''Iris''': Sure, I'm listening!
:'''Officer Jenny''': Alright, don't ever do that again! '''''UNDERSTAND?!!!'''''
:'''Ash, Iris &amp; Cilan''': Yes...

== Team Eevee and the Pokémon Rescue Squad! ==

== Curtain Up, Unova League! ==
:'''Virgil''': So, Ash, have you been to registration yet?
:'''Ash''': Not yet.
:'''Virgil''': Then why don't we go and register together?
:'''Ash''': Sure!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:''[Ash, Iris, Cilan, Bianca, Stephan and Virgil head to the Pokémon Center to register. Trip is also heading to the Pokémon Center to register as well]''
:'''Ash''': Hey, it's Trip!
:'''Trip''': So, that means you've got eight gym badges too?
:'''Ash''': You bet!

== Mission: Defeat Your Rival! ==

== Lost at the League! ==
:''[Note: This is considered to be the worst Black and White episode as well as the worst League episode, because this is a filler episode being put in the middle of the Unova League arc.]''

:'''Ash''': I'm not holding back! Look out, I'm gonna win too.
:'''Pikachu''': Pika-pika! [We'll be ready for you!]
:'''Stephan''': Took the words right out of my mouth! And may the best trainer win!
:'''Ash''': You bet! ''[Both Ash and Stephan do a fist bump]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Pikachu informs Ash that Axew is missing]''
:'''Ash''': What's up, Pikachu? ''[Pikachu tells him that Iris' Axew is missing as he was chasing a red runaway balloon]'' Where did Axew go?
:''[Iris checks her shoulder and sees Axew is not there]'' 
:'''Axew''': Axew-ew-ew! Axew-ew-ew! Axew-ew-ew! [Hey come back here! I want that red balloon! Please stop floating away!]

== Strong Strategy Steals the Show! ==

== Cameron's Secret Weapon! ==
:'''Ash''': So that's what it is! Your secret weapon is Hydreigon!
:'''Cameron''': Of course it is. That's why its my secret weapon!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:''[Ash summons his Oshawott into battle against Cameron's Hydreigon...which is already a bad idea from the start]''
:'''Bianca''': Uhhh...is that a good idea?
:'''Stephan''': It's hard to say. Maybe a strategy is to use Oshawott to chip away Hydreigon's stamina.
:'''Bianca''': Are you saying Oshawott is Ash's throwaway Pokémon?
:'''Cilan''': Hold on. Ash wouldn't do something like that. He's going to give it his all, of course.
:'''Iris''': He wouldn't do anything else.

:''[Note: Many fans claimed that Oshawott is a strong cute unevolved Pokémon that does not need to evolve at all. However, you can tell that Oshawott is the most laziest handled main protagonist owned Water-type Starter. It amounted to just recycling character traits from Dawn's Piplup and Ash's Totodile, without any attempt in evolving Oshawott whatsoever. Because of this, this was the reason why the writers were not allowed to mishandle anymore Water-type Starters.]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Cameron''': No Hydreigon!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Cameron''': When it comes to teammates Samurrott and I are numero uno.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Cameron''': Riolu are you alright? Hey whats going on?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Iris''': Riolu evolved into Lucario!

== A Unova League Evolution! ==
:''[Note: The Unova League match where Cameron defeated Ash despite bringing five Pokémon into the full battle is universally seen as a sick joke.]''

:'''Freddy O'Martin''': Lucario scores! Snivy's been stopped in its tracks by Lucario's Aura Sphere! ''[Note: Snivy is exactly what fans think Turtwig should have been- a strong fast cute unevolved Grass starter that does not need to evolve to prove its worth (aka another Bulbasaur clone). This loss shows how fatal this concept is in the league.]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Referee''': Pikachu is unable to battle. Lucario is the winner, which means Cameron wins the match! 
:'''Freddy O'Martin''': Lucario has wrapped this up with Aura Sphere, so Cameron wins this fierce battle and joins our top four trainers as they moved on to the semi-finals.

:''[Note: There are also problems with Ash's team in this fight. Unfezant lost to a Riolu despite having a type-advantage and being fully evolved; Oshawott, Snivy, Boldore and Pignite are not fully evolved and were poorly handled because Ash caught way too many Unova Pokémon and the writers focused mostly on the cuteness and comedic traits of Ash's Unova team instead of character development; Cameron's Riolu evolved into a Lucario to defeat Ash's Pokémon, similar to what Ash did in previous Unova battles.]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Davy''': Take care, everyone! We'll see you all later!
:'''Virgil''': And thanks, for everything!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cameron''': See, we gotta step on it and do some training for the next competition. We'll catch you all later! Let's go, Lucario. Bye!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bianca''': Gotta go! I do have to see my dad once in a while. Bye-bye!

== New Places... Familiar Faces! ==

== The Name's N! ==

== There's a New Gym Leader in Town! ==
:''[Ash and Iris have recovered Pikachu and Axew from the control room]''
:'''Ash''': I'm so sorry for all this!
:'''Iris''': Please forgive us!
:''[Ash and Iris are very angry with Pikachu and Axew for causing trouble]''
:'''Ash''': NOW YOU APOLOGIZE, TOO!
:'''Iris''': BOTH OF YOU!
:'''Pikachu &amp; Axew''': Pika-Pikachu, Axew-ew... [We're both very sorry...]
:'''Cheren''': I see you feel bad, and you're forgiven. But still, don't ever do that again. OK?
:'''Pikachu''': Pika.
:'''Axew''': Axew.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ash''': ''(putting away his Unova dex)'' Wow, he's using Herdier. I know who I want.
:''[Immeadiately, Oshawott comes out of his Pokéball]''
:'''Oshawott''': Oshawott! [Ready to go!]
:'''Ash''': Oshawott?
:'''Oshawott''': Osha-Oshawott! [Yep, let me at 'em!]
:'''Ash''': Do you want to battle?
:'''Oshawott''': Osha! [Oh yes!]
:'''Ash''': Awesome, then I choose you! ''[Note: It is obvious that the writers did not even think about evolving Oshawott after the Unova League as well. Who cares, right? As long as Oshawott is cuter than Dewott and Samurott, kids will automatically prefer it over the evolved counterparts. Besides, remember Torterra...]''

== Team Plasma's Pokémon Power Plot! ==

== The Light of Floccesy Ranch! ==

== Saving Braviary! ==

== The Pokémon Harbor Patrol! ==
:'''Ash''': I can't leave! No way!
:'''Halsey''': '''LOOK, ASH! DO AS I SAY!'''

== The Fires of a Red-Hot Reunion! ==
:''[Ash has just contacted Professor Oak on the computer at the Pokemon Center and explains his request]''
:'''Professor Oak''': Sorry to keep you waiting, Ash. Charizard just arrived from Charicific Valley and I have Charizard's Poke-ball right here!
:'''Ash''': Great! Thanks for all your help, Professor. 
:'''Pikachu''': Pika-Pika!
:'''Professor Oak''': Which Pokemon are you going to exchange?
:'''Ash''': I'm going to send Unfezant.
:'''Professor Oak''': Good! Smart choice! Swellow and Staraptor will be thrilled with a new friend. Another Flying-type Pokemon will allow them to have battle races at super speed!
:'''Ash''': Awesome! Sounds like a lot of fun!
:'''Pikachu''': Pika! [Agreed!]
:'''Professor Oak''': Let's begin the exchange!
:'''Ash''': ''[places Unfezant's Poke-ball into the transporter]'' Unfezant, you're going to make new friends. ''[Seconds later, the exchange is made and Charizard's Poke-ball has arrived. As Ash picks it up, Professor Oak also receives Unfezant on his end as well.]'' I got it safe and sound!
:'''Professor Oak''': Great and Unfezant is right here!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[As soon as Charizard comes out of the Poke-ball, Charizard lets in a loud roar. Oh yeah, he's back everyone!]''
:'''Ash''': Charizard, it's so good to see you!
:''[Pikachu greets his old friend back and hops onto Charizard's shoulder. Charizard gives the thumbs up signalling he's fine as well]''
:'''Cilan''': So that's Charizard. I've never seen one in person.
:'''N''': I can just sense its incredibly rich history. 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Cilan''': They say opposites attract, but I say likes attract too!
:'''N''': I think you're exactly right. Those two are drawn to each other.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Iris''': It is a bit strange. I was sure that Dragon Rush would have done more. After all, Charizard is a Dragon-type Pokemon.
:'''Ash''': Huh?
:'''Cilan''': Huh?
:'''Pikachu''': Pika? [Huh?]
:'''Charizard''': Raw?! [You're joking, right?!]
:'''Dragonite''': Gr? [Really?]
:''[N snickers at this comment]''
:'''Iris''': Did I say something funny?
:'''Ash''': The thing is Charizard isn't a Dragon-type.
:'''Iris''': But I saw Charizard use Dragon Tail and flying around and everything! It sure looks like a Dragon-type to me!
:'''Ash''': Look. ''[brings up his Unova Pokedex]''
:'''Unova Pokedex''': Charizard, the Flame Pokémon. Charizard is a Flying and Fire type. When competing in intense battles, Charizard's flame becomes more intense as well.
:'''Iris''': NO! And here I was hoping to catch a Charizard and raise it too! ''[Axew laughs at her for that embarrassment]''

== Team Plasma's Pokémon Manipulation! ==
:'''Aldith''': N, Lord Ghetsis is looking for you!
:'''N''': I don't care, leave me alone!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Aldith''': What are you doing here? You have been ordered to present yourself to Lord Ghetsis.
:'''N''': I'm through listening to any of you. NOW YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO THESE POKÉMON?!!

== Secrets From Out of the Fog! ==

== Meowth, Colress and Team Rivalry! ==

== Ash and N: A Clash of Ideals! ! ==

== Team Plasma and the Awakening Ceremony! ==

== What Lies Beyond Truth and Ideals! ==

== Farewell, Unova! Setting Sail for New Adventures! ==

== Danger, Sweet as Honey! ==

== Cilan and the Case of the Purrloin Witness ! ==

== Crowning the Scalchop King! ==

== The Island of Illusions! ==

== To Catch a Rotom! ==
:''[Iris' Emolga uses Attract on the three Rotom]''
:'''Ash''': Yeah. Maybe using Attract can control those three.
:''[Unfortunately, Attract does not work on the three Rotom! The three Rotom snicker at the fact that Attract did not work on them, much to Iris and Emolga's shock. Rotom is genderless, therefore it cannot be affected by Attract.]''
:'''Ash''': ...or not.
:'''Cilan''': How can that be? Oh perhaps, those Rotom are female, huh?
:'''Professor Oak''': I'm afraid Rotom are neither male nor female and that's the reason Attract had no effect on them.

== The Pirates of Decolore! ==

== Butterfree and Me! ==

== The Path That Leads to Goodbye! ==
:'''Ash''': If Axew hadn't gotten in the way, I would've been able to catch that Dunsparce!
:'''Iris''': WHAT, you're blaming Axew?! For your information, it was all your fault for starting a battle without making a plan FIRST!
:'''Ash''': That's because it wouldn've gotten away by THEN! Uh-oh.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Iris''': You're not just a little kid, ASH KETCHUM, you're a BIG BABY!!!
:'''Ash''': What did you throw that at me for?
:'''Iris''': YOU'RE A LITTLE KID!!! No wait, you're a '''HUGE BABY!!!!'''
:'''Ash''': I wouldn't talk if I were you, YOU LOSE YOUR GRIP FOR NO REASON AT ALL!
:'''Iris''': BAD BERRIES ARE a GOOD REASON!!
:'''Cilan''': Now, let's all just calm down.
:'''Ash and Iris''': WHY DON'T YOU BUTT OUT OF THIS?! 
:'''Iris''': I HAD JUST ABOUT ALL I CAN TAKE TRAVELING WITH YOU! '''I'M OUTTA HERE!'''
:'''Ash''': THAT'S FINE WITH ME! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ash''': SHE SAID THAT WE'RE THROUGH! '''THAT'S THAT!!!'''

== Searching for a Wish! ==

== Capacia Island UFO! ==
:'''James:''' Small group of people? We're a small group.
:'''Jessie:''' Well if you mean us, why didn't it have any affect?!
:'''Meowth:''' ''[still brainwashed by the Beheeyem]'' I'm afraid idiots are hard to hypnotize.
:''[Ash, Pikachu, Jessie and James are stunned by the response]''
:'''Ash, Jessie and James:''' '''IDIOTS?!?! GRRRR....'''
:''[The Beheeyem are scared and take back the insult]''
:'''Meowth:''' One second. What were we attempted to convey to all of you is that gifted people are hard to hypnotize.
:'''Jessie:''' I see. So you're implying we're geniuses?
:'''Meowth:''' Mmmm. Whatever you say.
:'''James:''' ''[glad with the others]'' Now we're getting to the truth of the matter!
:''[The Beheeyem sigh in relief, as does Meowth]''
:'''Ash:''' Glad we got that straight.

== The Journalist from Another Region! ==
:'''Iris:''' Ash, stop it! You're scaring Helioptile!

== Mystery on a Deserted Island! ==

== A Pokémon of a Different Color! ==
:''[As Alexa leaves for her work on her report, a familiar voice is heard and a figure is walking by. It's Clair, the Dragon-type Gym Leader from Blackthorn City, Johto.]''
:'''Clair''': Dragonite, where are you? Please come out here!
:''[Both Ash and Pikachu are shocked and immediately recognize her]''
:'''Ash''': Is that you? Wow, Clair, it is you!
:'''Clair''': I can't believe it, it's Ash! 
:'''Ash''': Right! That's so cool that you still remember me!
:'''Clair''': Well, how could I forget? I owe you for stopping my Dragonite when it was on a tear using Outrage. ''[a flashback is shown of how Ash and Clair teamed up to stop the rampaging Dragonite]'' You really helped us get out of a jam, Pikachu. Thanks.

== Celebrating the Hero's Comet! ==

== Go, Go Gogoat! ==

== Team Rocket's Shocking Recruit! ==
:'''Iris''': EMOLGA, didn't I tell you not to use Discharge on our friends? And you were supposed to look after Axew too!

== Survival of the Striaton Gym! ==
:'''Ash''': It didn't have to attack Pansage for no reason!
:'''Iris''': That's right! Pansage was trying to be nice and share!
:'''Morana''': If you don't like it, I suggest you keep your Pokémon in its Poké Ball, children.

== Best Wishes Until We Meet Again! ==

== The Dream Continues! ==
:'''Ash''': ''[As soon as Unfezant, Leavanny, Palpitoad, Boldore and Krookodile arrive, he sends out the remaining members of the Unova team]'' Come on out, gang! ''[Charizard, Pignite, Snivy, Scraggy and Oshawott appear and begin meet and greet with Pikachu and the rest of the Unova team.]'' Everyone, Unova was great. Thanks alot. ''[The crew responds with their version of &quot;You're welcome!&quot;]'' All of you battled hard in the Unova League. You're the best! ''[The crew responds postively, even though Charizard rejoined Ash after the Unova League]'' We may not have gotten first place but our journey together made us a whole lot stronger and that's what really counts. ''[Note: Most of the Unova Pokemon Ash had were not fully evolved or were too weak and they clearly need more work.]''

== External links==
{{Wikipedia|List of Pokémon: Black and White: The adventures in Unova episodes}}

[[Category:Japanese TV shows]]
[[Category:Anime and manga series]]</text>
      <sha1>nab15g0rxi3mh8wg50e7mj5xdg0y6zg</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Drake &amp; Josh/Season 4</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>178728</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147381</id>
      <parentid>3146722</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T12:18:53Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1017:B425:9266:883:5A35:930E:EAB</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="55654" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 1|1]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 2|2]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 3|3]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 4|4]] | [[Drake &amp; Josh|Main]]
----
'''''[[w:Drake &amp; Josh|Drake &amp; Josh]]''''' is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers.

===Josh Runs Into Oprah===
:''[Megan opens up Josh's birthday cake]''
:'''Josh''': You made me a birthday cake?
:'''Megan''': Uh-huh. Mom gave me the recipe. I think it turned out pretty good. There.
:'''Josh''': Wow! This is really full of poison, isn't it?
:'''Megan''': No!
:'''Josh''': No, what then, huh, huh, huh, hot sauce some kind of extreme laxident?
:'''Megan''': Oh, c'mon! I wouldn't let you eat a cake that make you sick on your birthday.
:'''Josh''': I'm sorry.
:'''Megan''': It's okay. Make a wish. ''[Josh blows out the birthday candles from his cake as it exploded and he turns around to Megan as he had cake pieces on his face when she pranked him]'' I didn't say it wouldn't explode!
:'''Josh''': I don't blame you so much for doing it, as I blame myself for not anticipating it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
Hey, watch it, watch it!!! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Josh angrily comes home from the hospital after Drake pranked the whole hospital thinking Josh has a virus, which in return, causes him to get a chemical bath]''
:'''Drake''': Hey, man.
:'''Josh''': ''HEY, MAN''?!
:'''Drake''': Hey... man?
:'''Josh''': You left me at hospital to be chemicaLY bathed!
:'''Drake''': Oh, yeah, how'd it go?
:'''Josh''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, actually, it was quite soothing especially the part where they...OH, IT WAS HORRIBLE!!
:'''Drake''': Kay, what up with the 'tude?
:'''Josh''': D'you know what its like to get an involuntry chemical bath? it stings...''EVERYWHERE''!
:'''Drake''': Alright, look. Tell you what, I'm going to make up to you, okay?
:'''Josh''': No. Okay, no you're not, because that's when the badness happens. The only time you do anything nice to me is after you caused me some kind of physical damage or emotional distress! You are never going to make up anything to me ever again!
:'''Drake''': Wait, do these sound okay to you? ''[Drake plays his Bongos for Josh to try to cheer him up, but Josh rips the taped up Bongos then leaves]'' Would you bring me the hot glue gun?
:'''Josh''': NOT REALLY! ''[slams the door]''

===Vicious Tiberius===
:''[Drake and Josh found out that their dad did not answer the phone because he was working out at home singing]''
:'''Drake''': Well?
:'''Josh''': No answer.
:'''Drake''': You probably dialed the wrong number. Let me see it--
:'''Josh''': No, I think I know our own number.
:'''Drake''': Dude, just let me try-- ''[he and Josh both fight with Josh's phone and it lands in the toilet]'' Nice! ''[sees Josh's phone in the toilet]''
:'''Josh''': It's your fault. Go get it.
:'''Drake''': I'm not putting my hand in there! That's where Mrs. Hayfer pees!
:'''Josh''': Probably doesn't even work anymore.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well, let's see. ''[flushes Josh's phone away]'' It still works.
:'''Josh''': I knew the toilet still worked, Drake. I MEANT MY PHONE!
:'''Drake''': Oh, well, that's gone.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Megan''': ''[offscreen]'' Hello? Anybody home?
:'''Josh''': Who's that?
:'''Drake''': It sounds like Megan.
:'''Megan''': ''[offscreen]'' Drake? Josh?
:'''Josh''': That ''is'' Megan, how does she know? Oh, no, she's outside with Tiberius!
:'''Drake''': Oh, he'll eat her alive!
:'''Josh''': C'mon! ''[tries to open the door but Drake puts his foot on the door]'' Dude!
:'''Drake''': ''[blocks the door]'' Well, just 'cause she gets eaten, doesn't mean we have to.
:'''Josh''': That's our little sister out there, we've gotta help her!
:'''Drake''': Alright.
:'''Josh''': C'mon. ''[he and Drake come out of the bathroom and see Megan in the living room with Tiberius behaving and loud whispers]'' Megan! Run!
:'''Megan''': I don't wanna run.
:'''Drake''': ''[loud whisper]'' But he's vicious.
:'''Megan''': Yeah, he's real vicious. Ooh, down, boy. You're so scary.
:''[Drake and Josh walk by to her]''
:'''Josh''': I don't get it. Well, he's all calm.
:'''Drake''': Evil dog, evil girl. Makes perfect sense.
:'''Megan''': Where have you 2 been? You were supposed to pick me up 2 hours ago.
:'''Josh''': How'd you know we were here?
:'''Megan''': Dad said you were stopping here and then picking me up, which you didn't.
:'''Josh''': We couldn't.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, we were trapped here by this demon dog.
:'''Megan''': What're you talking about?
:'''Josh''': When you're not around, he goes all berserk and tries to kill us.
:'''Megan''': Really?
:'''Drake and Josh''': Yeah/Uh-huh.
:'''Megan''': See ya.
:''[when Megan leaves the house, she made Drake and Josh suffer against Tiberius because she's satisfied about that and doesn't care since they told her everything about Tiberius]'' 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
What, you’ve never seen a man wielding on a toilet?

===The Wedding===
:''[Opening comments: Drake and Josh talk about how unpleasant their great aunt Catherine is and both are in agreement that she is quite unpleasant]''
:'''Josh''': So, me and Drake have this Great Aunt Catherine.
:'''Drake''': Have you ever met my Great Aunt Catherine? No? Well, hey. Lucky you.
:'''Josh''': She's almost 90 years old.
:'''Drake''': She's like 90,000 years old.
:'''Josh''': She's not nice!
:'''Drake''': She is mean. ''[gets closer to the viewers]'' Mean to the ''bone''!
:'''Josh''': Something's not right about Aunt Catherine.
:'''Drake''': She collects hair... from people she doesn't even know well!
:'''Josh''': Oh, and get this.
:'''Drake and Josh''': Aunt Catherine's getting married!
:'''Josh''': I mean, who wants to get married at 89 years old?
:'''Drake''': You know, Josh and I disagree on a lot of stuff, but I bet he hates Aunt Catherine just as much as I do.
:'''Josh''': I wonder if Drake hates Aunt Catherine as much as I do. ''[turns to Drake]'' Do ya?
:'''Drake''': Totally.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': Why are you in such a hurry?
:'''Drake''': 'Cause I want Aunt Catherine's beach house, bad.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, so do I.
:'''Drake''': Well, we can't be late for the wedding, and we have to pick up the cake.
:'''Josh''': Dude, we got plenty of time, alright? Just as long as we get to the bakery before... ''[notices his laptop case gone]'' Hey, have you seen my laptop case? I thought I left it right here.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I gave it to Craig and Eric.
:'''Josh''': You... You what?!
:'''Drake''': They told me you said it was cool.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, I said it was cool for 'em to borrow my computer, but why'd you give them the whole case? It had my cell phone in it and my keys to Mom's SUV! Now we have no car!
:'''Drake''': Well, I'll just call Craig and Eric and tell them to come back.
:'''Josh''': No, we can't. They don't have cell phones.
:'''Drake''': Why?
:'''Josh''': 'Cause Papa Nichols threw Eric's against the wall and broke it, and Craig's mom thinks cell phones cause ear sores!
:'''Drake''': Craig does get a lot of ear sores.
:'''Josh''': Look, we cannot be late to this wedding!
:'''Drake''': Right, okay, um... Trevor!
:'''Josh''': What about Trevor?
:'''Drake''': We'll borrow his car.
:'''Josh''': His girlfriend sleeps in it.
:'''Drake''': No, they broke up. She sleeps in some other guy's car now.
:'''Josh''': I don't wanna go to a wedding in Trevor's El Camino, it's old and gross.
:'''Drake''': So is Aunt Catherine.
:'''Josh''': Drake, if we--
:'''Drake''': Look, it runs, and the wedding cake will fit in the back. And the most important thing is it'll get us there on time. ''[starts calling Trevor on the phone]'' 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
Fried chicken?

===Mindy Loves Josh===
:'''Josh''': What do you want?
:'''Megan''': There's a couple of guys outside stealing  your bike.
:'''Josh''': Oh I just moved the chain, HANDS OFF MY RIDE! ''[runs outside]'' Hey!
:'''Mindy''': Maybe, I should have call the police.
:'''Megan''': Nah, no ones stealing his bike.
:'''Mindy''': What did you tell him that for? You got him all upset for nothing.
:'''Megan''': Yeah. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
Mindy: I love you. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Megan comes inside Drake and Josh's room and tells Drake her truth after making his hands green (when she saw Drake eating her cookie)]''
:'''Drake''': Oh, it's you. Close the door!
:'''Megan''': ''[closes the door and walks up to Drake]'' What's going on?
:'''Drake''': Swear not to tell mom and dad?
:'''Megan''': Swear.
:'''Drake''': Well, I've have this rare skin disease called dermatameculitis.
:'''Megan''': ''[gasps]'' Oh my god! Are you okay?
:'''Drake''': I will be. See, I read online that you can cure it by soaking in zipholic acid which is in lizard pee.
:'''Megan''': Or you know there is another cure.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Megan''': Next time, don't eat my big cookie.
:'''Drake''': What are you saying?
:'''Megan''': I tricked you into thinking you have a rare skin disease by dying your hands and feet green while you slept and that you were stupid enough to actually fall for it and stick your hands and feet in buckets in lizard pee. That what I'm saying.
:'''Drake''': Megan!
:'''Megan''': You have a little somethin' on your upper lip.
:''[Drake touches his upper lip with his green hand and suffers from it as Megan leaves his and Josh's room]''
:'''Drake''': Wait!
:'''Megan''': What?
:'''Drake''': Is it gone?
:''[Megan leaves the room]''

===Who's Got Game?===
:'''Carly''': ''[walks up to Drake]'' Help you find something?
:'''Drake''': Oh no, I got- ''[turns to see her]'' No, I got it.
:'''Carly''': Sparks, nice. Yes, I saw them live last week at &quot;The Phyton&quot;.
:'''Drake''': No way, I was there.
:'''Carly''': Oh, yeah, you were that guy in the crowd listening.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, that was me!
:'''Carly''': I was kidding.
:'''Drake''': Me, too.
:'''Carly''': Come on, I'll ring you up.
:'''Drake''': Okay.
:''[they both walk up to the cashier's desk]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
I was part of a bet? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': ''[walks up to Drake]'' Well, while you keep kissing your new girlfriend, I'm going to go back home and move my special pillow onto your bed.
:'''Drake''': What? ''[turns around to Josh]''
:'''Josh''': Well, I've had 22 dates this you week and you've only had one.
:'''Drake''': Okay, yeah. I guess you get my bed. All right, you win.
:'''Josh''': I win? I GOT MORE GIRLS THAN DRAKE!! ''[laughs]'' JOSH NICHOLS IS NO LONGER A LITTLE CATERPILLAR, AH, HE IS A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY!! ''[flaps wings for a while then stops out of embarrassment]'' See you guys at home. ''[walks away]''

===The Great Doheny===
:'''Josh''': Uh, Megan. This is Henry Doheny. I'm gonna go make him a sandwich with some crinko cup fries and you keep him company. ''[runs off to make Doheny his sandwich]''
:'''Megan''': Henry Doheny. Didn't you use to be like a really famous magician?
:'''Henry Doheny''': Hmmm. ''[pretends to think]''  Why don't you, reach into, ''[points to trash can and Megan looks at it]'' that decorative trash can and tell me.
:'''Megan''': ''[looks at him, searches through the trash-can, picks out old papers than a bunny, and gasps]'' A bunny!
:'''Henry Doheny''': Her name is Cookie, if you hold her close, she'll lick your nose.
:'''Megan''': ''[puts Cookie to her face and Cookie begins to lick her as she laughs]'' Oh my god, this is the cutest bunny I've ever seen! Can I keep her?
:'''Henry Doheny''': I insist!
:'''Megan''': Thanks! ''[goes to her room, admiring Cookie]''
:'''Henry Doheny''': ''[To Drake]'' Pick a card!
:'''Drake''': ''[picks a card]'' Now what?
:'''Henry Doheny''': Now, put it back. ''[Drake gives the card back and he takes the deck into his jacket]''
:'''Drake''': ''[looks at Doheny with a weird gaze]'' What's my card?
:'''Henry Doheny''': Cough. ''[Drake coughs out a card]'' Open it. ''[Drake does so and Doheny isn't even looking]'' Is that your card?
:'''Drake''': Yeah. Please do me a favor and don't make things come outta my body.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
How did I get in here? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Walter''': ''[looking himself in the mirror after Doheny made him bald]'' Ahh! Check me out! I'm bald. ''[leaving the room]'' Honey, Mr. Doheny made me bald!

===I Love Sushi===
:'''Josh''': Okay mom and dad. Here it comes.
:'''Drake''': Who's ready to go inside?
:'''Audrey''': What is up with you guys?
:'''Walter''': Yeah, you kept us out all day driving all over the city.
:'''Drake''': Get ready. ''[he opens the door as he, Josh, Walter, and Audrey come inside the house]''
:'''Drake and Josh''': HAPPY ANNIVERS- ''[they turn on the lights to reveal that the furniture in the living room has been stolen]'' -sery.
:'''Walter''': Drake?
:'''Audrey''': Josh!
:'''Walter''': Where's our stuff?
:'''Josh''': We've been robbed!
:'''Drake''': ''[curious]'' Surprise!
:''[Walter and Audrey both get shocked after all of the furniture from the living room disappeared]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Drake Parker. Josh Nichols. ''[Drake and Josh come in Mr. Nadel's office]'' What do you want?
:'''Josh''': We understand that you give people temporary jobs?
:'''Mr. Nadel''': So?
:'''Josh''': And we'd like one.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': And I'd like to meet with another woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well good luck with that.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Ok, what are your skills?
:'''Drake''': I play guitar and date girls.
:'''Josh''': Well, I'm an honor student. I'm pretty good with magic tricks, I can cook. Oh, in the 5th grade I was vote most polite child-
:'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[yells]'' NO! THAT'S ENOUGH! ''[in a normal voice]'' Well, let's see, I've got men's room attendant, ditch digger, or you could clean up after elephants at the zoo?
:'''Drake''': Wow, they all sound so wonderful.
:'''Josh''': Do you gave any jobs that are, you know... not repulsive?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, and we want one that pays a lot.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Sure, and I wanna meet a woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date.
:'''Josh''': You already said that.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[yelling]'' '''WELL IT HAPPENS EVERY TIME! I MEAN WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!'''
:'''Drake''': We just want jobs.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Alright look, I got two jobs working the line at a fish factory. Not glamorous enough for you?
:'''Josh''': Well, what would we have to do?
:'''Mr. Nadel''': You'd be assembling packages of sushi for distribution to local supermarkets. Pays 18 bucks an hour. Each.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, we'll take it.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Good. Happy. Happy. Here's the address. Be there Saturday morning 8:00.
:'''Drake:''' 8:00?
:'''Josh''': We'll be there.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Yeah, yeah.
:''[Drake and Josh leave Mr. Nadel's office; Nadel types in numbers on his phone from a piece of paper]''
:'''Phone''': The number you have reached has been disconnected
:'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[bangs on desk]'' EVERY TIME! Stupid lotion! ''[knocks a bottle of lotion on the floor]'' 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
Speed it up a little!

===The Storm===
:''[Drake hits Eric in the chest and notices Lucy]''
:'''Eric''': Ow.
:'''Drake''': That's Lucy, my ex-girlfriend. Josh invited my ex-girlfriend?
:'''Eric''': Well, yeah. When we were going over the gas list, Josh said you and Lucy were still friends.
:'''Drake''': Well, we are, but I invited Carly. I can't have my current girlfriend and my ex-girlfriend at the same party. You want the universe to explode? Man, what am I gonna--? ''[hits Eric in the chest again and notices Christine]'' 
:'''Eric''': Ow!
:'''Drake''': Christine? How many of my ex-girlfriends are here?
:'''Eric''': Just those two. I hope. Or else I'm gonna need chest replacement surgery!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': ''[after being on the phone with Josh]'' That was Josh.
:'''Julio''': They cancelled the concert?
:'''Drake''': The whole stage is underwater.
:'''Gary''': My uncle's got a boat!
:'''Drake''': That's great, Gary. Why don't ya climb into your uncle's boat and SAIL OFF TO MORON ISLAND?!!! 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
Crazy Steve: C’MON, DORA!!!

===My Dinner with Bobo===
:''[Drake and Josh and  Megan get a car]''
:'''Megan''': ''[looking at a car with tattooed flowers]'' Oh my god! I love this car! Let's buy this one!
:'''Drake''': Shall we harmonize?
:'''Josh''': Let's.
:'''Drake and Josh''': ''[singing]'' No!
:'''Megan''': Dad said I can help pick out the car.
:'''Drake''': Uh yes. And thank you for helping us decide we're not getting this one.
:'''Megan''': Don't push me.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': ''[appears and gets out of his cart]'' Well now, let me guess! You folks are looking for a car.
:'''Josh''': Hey, you're Stan the Car Man.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': The very same.
:'''Josh''': I know, I love your commercials. You need a car, you need a truck, you need a van! Come see Stan the Car Man!
:'''Drake''': Who sells trucks and vans.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': I don't like it when people imitate me.
:'''Josh''': I'm sorry.
:'''Drake''': I'm also sorry. ''[points at a monkey]'' Hey, Bobo! Aw, I love this guy! ''[picks up Bobo]''
:'''Stan the Car Man''': He seems to have taken a liking to you too!
:'''Drake''': Aw, he's awesome.
:'''Megan''': Yeah, maybe he can tutor you in math.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': How much were you boys hoping to spend in this vehicle?
:'''Drake''': About $2400.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': $2400. About what car did you had in mind?
:'''Josh''': Something safe.
:'''Drake''': Something fast.
:'''Josh''': Gets good mileage.
:'''Drake''': It's gotta have satellite radio.
:'''Josh''': Heated seats would be nice.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': Huh?
:'''Josh''': I get cold down there.
:'''Megan''': Look! No one is interested in your butt temperature problems.
:'''Josh''': Dr. Fish bum is.
:'''Drake''': Look, can you just show us something we can afford?
:'''Stan the Car Man''': Well, I surely can. Right over there!
:'''Josh''': Alright.
:'''Drake''': Come on. ''[he and Josh walk away]''
:'''Stan the Car Man''': Butt temperature problems?
:'''Megan''': He's a mess. ''[she and Stan the Car Man walk away too]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake and Josh come inside Dr. Favershim's apartment to rescue Bobo]''
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Come in.
:'''Drake''': We are in.
:'''Josh''': Yeah. And we want Bobo back.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': I'm sorry, we had a deal. $10,000 for your delicious friends.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well deal's off.
:'''Josh''': So just take your check back and give us Bobo.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Are you sure?
:'''Josh''': Absolutely.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Very well, Bobo is in the back of the closet right over there. You may fetch him.
:'''Josh''': Back of the closet?
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Good.
:'''Josh''': Come on dude, let's go get him.
:'''Drake''': Whoa? Is he in here?
:'''Josh''': Perhaps.
:'''Drake''': In the coat, where is he?
:''[when Dr. Favershim locked Drake and Josh in the closet so he could eat Bobo, Drake and Josh yell inside the closet in order to get out after Dr. Favershim pranked them]''
:'''Dr. Favershim''': I'm sorry boys, but I can't let you interfere with my dinner plans. ''[takes off the curtain off of Bobo's cage]'' Hello, little friend. I hope you have good taste.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' You open the door or we're gonna call the cops!
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Yeah, we have a cellphone in here!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': You have no cellphone.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Do too!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Prove it.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' How?
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Play me a ringtone.
:''[Josh plays a ringtone on his phone from the closet]''
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' See? I told ya we got a cellphone!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Does it have Bluetooth?
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' What?!?!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Your cellphone, does it have Bluetooth?
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Ya, dude it has Bluetooth.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': I don't believe you. Show me.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Fine! Open the door! ''[Dr. Favershim opens door]'' See, Bluetooth! Ha, ha! ''[Dr. Favershim pushes Josh back in the closet, takes his phone, and locks the door again]'' What?! Oh, man!
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Oh, nice goin', Bluetooth!
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Don't start with me! ''[Josh slaps Drake off-screen]''
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Ow!
:''[Dr. Favershim cuts slices of a carrot and takes a bite and walks up to Bobo to eat a piece, too]'' 

&lt;hr witdh=50%&gt; 
Not happenin, little girl!

===Tree House===
:''[Drake and Josh are trapped inside Robbie's treehouse when they're trying to rebuild it]''
:'''Josh''': Drake…? 
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Josh''': Where's the door hole?
:'''Drake''': It goes right there, see? I drew it with a magic marker.
:'''Josh''': You were supposed to cut it out with the power saw!
:'''Drake''': Dude, I'm gonna!
:'''Josh''': Oh, really?
:'''Drake''': Yes!
:'''Josh''': So go get the power saw.
:'''Drake''': Okay, I will! ''[tries to walk through the wall where the painted door is]'' I see the problem…. 
:'''Josh''': Oh, do ya?!

&lt;hr width=50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Megan refuses to let Drake and Josh out of the Robbie's tree house because she is angry that they made her miss her friend Janie's birthday party]''
:'''Megan''': ''[walks to Drake with a snow cone]'' Hey boob.
:'''Drake''': Where you've been?
:'''Megan''': I told you I was about to get a snow cone.
:'''Drake''': Okay, well now that you have one, can you please hand up the power saw so we can get out of here?
:'''Megan''': Let me think, no!
:'''Drake''': Listen to me! You make us miss our dates with those two hot identical twins. I swear- ''[Josh grabs him]''
:'''Josh''': Hey!
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Josh''': We don't need that power saw!
:'''Drake''': Then how are we gonna get out of here?
:'''Josh''': ''[grabs the power screwdriver]'' Power screwdriver! We just need to unscrew one of these walls and boom we are out!
:'''Drake''': Do it brother!
:'''Josh''': Okay. ''[he power screws the door but realized it's dead]'' Set this baby to reverse.
:'''Drake''': Why'd it stop?
:'''Josh''': I don't know. The screwdriver- ''[looks outside the window thinking that Megan unplugged it]'' MEGAN!
:'''Megan''': ''[satisfied; after she unplugged the power screwdriver]'' Yes, can I help you? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
Acorn.

===Josh is Done===
:'''Drake''': C'mon, let's play ping-pong!
:'''Josh''': Alright. I'll play if it'll stop you from yapping.
:'''Drake''': And the battle begins! ''[rings bell]'' Ohh, my worthy opponent. Are you prepared to ping the pong?
:'''Josh''': Wahahaha. I am prepared, young sedgewan. Your pong is no match for my ping!
:'''Drake''': Ahh, do your worst! ''[he and Josh play ping-pong until Josh's paddle flies out of his hand and out the window, to Josh’s horror]'' You have smashed the window of transparency!
:'''Josh''': ''[runs to the broken window]'' Aw, man! Mom and dad are gonna kill me!
:'''Drake''': Oh, probably. Come on, let's finish the game.
:'''Josh''': I don't have a paddle!
:'''Drake''': Oh, there's an extra one downstairs, be back in a sec.
:'''Josh''': We can't be late for this-
:'''Drake''': I'll be back in a few seconds, you can study while I'm gone. ''[gives Josh the book and leaves the room]''
:'''Josh''': I don't think it leaves us enough- ''[opens the book a reads a page]'' What is the atomic weight of beryllium? 9.01. ''[yells]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Josh''': ''[All sweaty from running all the way to class after Drake left him behind, bumps into the door]'' PLEASE! PLEASE, LEMME IN!! I AM SORRY I'M LATE! ''[Drake looks at him from his desk]''
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Opens the door]'' Mr. Nichols, you know the rule. 
:'''Josh''': B-But you don't understand. You see, I was just about to- 
:'''Mr. Roland''': I understand that you are late, and when you're late to my class, you're not welcomed in my class. 
:'''Josh''': Uh, b-but w-what about the exam? 
:'''Mr. Roland''': You will take a make-up exam next Saturday morning at 6AM, and you will be marked down 1 letter grade! 
:'''Josh''': ''[Very upset and despairing]'' Oh, no. No-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh!!! ''[Points at Drake angrily]'' YOU!
:'''Drake''': ''[Defensively]'' What? 
:'''Josh''': ''[Yells and runs in the classroom to attack Drake, only to be held back by the other students, while Drake stares]'' COME HERE! COME HERE, YOU WANNA TUSSLE!? LET'S GO!! LET ME CLOSER!!! 
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[enraged]'' Mr. Nichols! Mr. Nichols, you will leave this classroom NOW! 
:'''Josh''': But- 
:'''Mr. Roland''': NOW! 
:'''Josh''': I- 
:'''Mr. Roland''': NOW! 
:'''Josh''': ''[defeated]'' Now...? ''[Leaves the classroom as Mr. Roland locks the classroom door, as Josh continues trying to plead his case]'' Now, if you would just allow me to explain, OH!!! ''[Mr. Roland yanks down the door window shade]''
:'''Mr. Roland''': As I was saying, you will have 55 minutes to complete your exams. ''[Mr. Roland walks over to the classroom windows to close the blinds as Josh from outside still tries to plead his case.]'' You will use a #2 pencil.
:'''Josh''': ''[Sobbing]'' Your so hard! 
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes first blind]'' Not #1, not #3.
:'''Josh''': ''[Still sobbing]'' So unbelievably hard!
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes second blind]'' If you have any questions during the exams, don’t ask them!
:'''Josh''': ''[Still sobbing]'' I really do, I give everything a hundred…
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes last blind]'' I want silence in this classroom! Silence, is golden.
:'''Josh''': ''[Freaks out]'' Nooo! Nah! Nah! Nah! Nah!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': ''[Gets home after the exam (which he failed most likely) and takes Robbie's sit-n-bounce just to get Josh over his rage, still not caring about making him late earlier despite wanting to have fun together]'' Hey, Josh. What goes on? 
:'''Josh''': Just readin' my book. 
:'''Drake''': ''[signs]'' Look, I'm sorry about this morning. You know, but Kat called and wanted to make out, and, you know, Kat. 
:'''Josh''': ''[Knowing that Drake's apology is fake]'' Yes, yes. She's very pretty. 
:'''Drake''': Alright, you're still mad. But you won't be for long, 'cause I got you your very own sit-n-bounce! ''[Josh says nothing]'' Sit-n-bounce!  
:'''Josh''': No, thanks. 
:'''Megan''': Doesn't that kid Robbie next door have a sit-n-bounce just like that? 
:'''Drake''': No! No. And, c'mon, have you ever sat and bounced before? You can't be upset when you're sittin' and bouncin'. ''[plays with it. Josh closes his book and gets up, Drake bounces in front of him]'' 
:'''Josh''': Would you please move?
:'''Drake''': ''[stop bouncing]'' Look, dude, I said I was sorry.
:'''Josh''': Oh, I heard you.
:'''Drake''': Well, stop being mad at me.
:'''Josh''': I'm not mad at you. I'm done.
:'''Drake''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Josh''': I don't want anything to do with you anymore.
:'''Drake''': So what, are you gonna move out?
:'''Josh''': No, this is a house where I live, and I guess we'll be roommates until the day I leave for college. But that's all we'll be, is roommates. I'm done with you. ''[walks away, leaving Drake concerned]'' 
:'''Megan''': Whoa! 
:'''Drake''': What? 
:'''Megan''': You really did it this time. 
:'''Drake''': Oh, c'mon, ya know how many times Josh has been ''furious'' with me? Uh, he'll pout for a day or 2, and then he'll get over it. 
:'''Megan''': I dunno, he sounded pretty serious. 
:'''Drake''': Trust me. Alright, I know Josh, and there's no way he's gonna keep this up- 
:'''Robbie''': ''[walks in]'' I knew it! I knew you took my sit-n-bounce! ''[kicks Drake in the leg and takes his sit-n-bounce back]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''[Without Josh, Drake begins suffering bad luck, while Josh's life improves with more good luck than ever, even passing his make-up exam and getting his grade back up]'' 
:'''Drake''': ''[arrives at the Primere ]'' Hello, Josh.
:'''Josh''': Hi, Drake.
:'''Craig''': Why are you all sweaty?
:'''Drake''': I'm all sweaty because I ran out of gas and I had to walk all the way here because SOMEBODY forgot to fill up the car!
:'''Josh''': It's not my responsibility to fill the car with gas.
:'''Drake''': You always fill up the car!
:'''Josh''': Used to, now I put in just enough gas for myself.
:'''Drake''': Well, good! You know, good for you! I DON'T NEED YOUR GAS! And just so you know, I'm gonna go see a movie right now and I don't need a free ticket from you cause mom paid me 10 bucks to get out of the house! So I don't need you for ANYTHING!
:'''Leah''': Movie tickets here are $11.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Eric''': And popcorn and soda are gonna cost you another 6 or 7.
:'''Drake''': D'oh! You know what? I'm not even gonna buy a ticket, I'm just going in. Right, just going right in! ''[yells at ticket checker employee, he stubbornly walks into theater 7]'' 
:'''Josh''': ''[clears throat, grabs the communicator]'' Security, we have a problem in theater 7: male Caucasian, sweaty, wearing a gray sweatshirt. ''[beeps]'' So what's the difference between a hoagie and a submarine sandwich? 
:'''Steve''': I always thought a hoagie was a hot sandwich, and a submarine could be served hot or cold. 
:'''Craig''': No, I think it's the other way around. 
:'''Eric''': Okay, but what's a grinder? 
:'''Leah''': Same thing as a hoagie. 
:'''Drake''':  ''[getting dragged by the security guards]'' Hey! Hey! Let go, let go! Josh, Josh! Tell them to let me go! Josh, Josh! Tell them! Tell them! Look this way, I know this guy, I know this guy. Ask him, ask him. 
:'''Security Guard''': Is this guy a friend of yours? 
:''[pause]''
:'''Josh''': No, he's not. 
:'''Drake''': Josh!! Oh. You're gonna regret this, Josh! You need me! YOU NEED ME!!! 
:'''Josh''': So, hoagie and grinder same thing, huh? 
:'''Leah, Steve, Eric, &amp; Craig''': ''[All talking at once in agreement]'' Yes./That's right./Uh-huh./Yeah. 
:'''Steve''': All in the sandwich family.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': ''[After being switched with another lab partner named Clayton, messes up his science experiment, causing green water to flow and spill over his hand]'' Whoa-whoa! Hey-hey! What's happening, what's happening!? Oh-okay-okay-okay! Arms tingling, arms tingling! 
:'''Craig''': Chemical emergency! ''[Turns on the alarm]'' 
:'''Mr. Roland''': Let's get him in the power-shower! ''[Grabs Drake and carries him into the chemical shower, as Josh watches in shock]'' 
:'''Drake''': Hey-hey! Watch it, will you-!? What is this!? ''[Roki shuts the door, Mr. Roland turns on the water]'' What are you, what are you-!? AAA-OOHHHH!!!! ''[Starts yelling as the water stingingly washes off the chemicals]''  
:'''Mr. Roland''': Drake, are you alright? 
:'''Drake''': Hey! What is this water!? Ow! ''[Continues yelling as everybody, including Josh, watches]'' 
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Drake has just been in the chemical shower, turns off the water]'' Drake, you may come out now. ''[Drake comes out, all soaked and groaning]'' Sit down, Drake. ''[Drake ignores him, walks towards the door]'' Drake, sit down!
:'''Drake''': No!
:'''Mr. Roland''': Drake!
:'''Drake''': Josh!
:'''Josh''': What?
:'''Drake''': Look, I'm sorry.
:'''Josh''': Well--
:'''Drake''': Look, let me finish, okay? I was wrong, okay? I was wrong.
:'''Josh''': What d'you mean?
:'''Drake''': I-I need you more than you need me. Uh, I-I need you ''way more'' than you need me, a-alright? I'm sorry. M-Man, I'm sorry I made you late for your exam, and I'm sorry I ran over your bike, and I, uh-- I-I'm sorry, I'm probably the worst brother in the world! And y-you know, you're way better off without me, you know? I just-- I just need you to understand that-- uh, I just-- Sorry, Josh, I'm sorry. ''[tearfully walks out of the classroom, leaving Josh stunned]''
:'''Mr. Roland''': Josh, would you like to go talk to Drake?
:'''Josh''': ''[realizes he has gone a little too far for cutting Drake out of his life, seeing how he learned his lesson the hard way]'' No. No, sir.
:'''Mr. Roland''': Alright. Class, let's get back to our experiments. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[As Drake miserably tries to play ping-pong alone, Josh runs in with a kung fu yell, ready to forgive his brother]''
:'''Josh''': Hoaw! We have unfinished business, young sedgewan. 
:'''Drake''': Josh…. 
:'''Josh''': Wa-cho! You will address me only as Master Mon-googoo. ''[Drake cheers up as Josh picks up his paddle]'' 
:'''Drake''': Your words, they are strong. Uh, but your skills are weak!
:'''Josh''': Your foolishness, young sedgewan, has sealed your fate! 
:'''Drake''': Aw, destiny is mine! ''[They play ping-pong ball together and reconcile again happily]''

===Eric Punches Drake===
:'''Mr. Roland''': Josh, Mindy. The new chemistry books just arrived. They're in my classroom. 
:'''Mindy''': No way! 
:'''Josh''': Oh, come on! 
:'''Craig''': Hey, remember in Dragon to Death when Billy Chang fights Joaquin the Dream?
:'''Eric''': Remember? One does not forget the wo-cho fist of silence. ''[Tries to demonstrate, only to accidentally punch Drake in the eye and knock him out in the process]'' Oh, my god! 
:'''Craig''': Drake, are you alright!? 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Josh''': Hey, Craig. 
:'''Craig''': Evenin'. 
:'''Josh''': Where's Eric? 
:'''Craig''': Oh, he didn't wanna come. He was afraid Drake might be mad at him 'cause he punched him in the eye. 
:'''Josh''': He's not mad. Drake, you're not mad, are you? 
:'''Drake''': Nah, I'm not mad. Craig didn't mean to hit me. 
:'''Craig''': I'M Craig! 
:'''Drake''': ''[scoffs]'' It matters. 

&lt;hr width =50%&gt; 
:''[door bell rings]'' 
:'''Josh''': Yo, Drake, get that! 
:'''Drake''': Got it. ''[opens the door and finds Mindy there]'' Oh, is it Halloween already? Aren't you a scary, little witch? 
:'''Mindy''': Oh, look at your black eye. Well, I hope it hurts.
:'''Drake''': You shebeast!
:'''Mindy''': Microbrain!
:'''Drake''': Weirdface!
:'''Mindy''': Ignoramus!
:'''Drake''': ''[beat]'' What?
:'''Mindy''': Exactly! 
:'''Chad''': Hey. 
:'''Mindy''': Oh, hey. 
:'''Chad''': Sorry, I had to park the car at the bottom of the hill. 
:'''Mindy''': Oh, no problem. Step aside. ''[both walk inside. Drake suspects Chad to be Mindy's new boyfriend and goes into the kitchen, while Josh and Craig set up the projector]'' 
:'''Drake''': JOSH! 
:'''Josh''': ''[jumps, accidentally flips the projector]'' Aw, now I gotta reset the white balance! 
:'''Drake''': No, I need to talk to you! ''[to Craig]'' Get out. ''[Craig walks out]'' 
:'''Josh''': What? 
:'''Drake''': Mindy's here.  
:'''Josh''': I know, I invited her. 
:'''Drake''': Did you invite ''him?'' ''[turns Josh's head around towards Chad]''  
:'''Josh''': Who's him? 
:'''Drake''': Her date. 
:'''Josh''': ''[shudders]'' I don't care. 
:'''Drake''': Yes, you do!

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': Hey, Clayton. 
:'''Clayton''': ''[mumbling]'' Hi. 
:''[Drake slips his mouth-wash, then takes Clayton's water bottle, spits in it, and gives it back to him (possibly as revenge for Drake's chemical incident in the previous episode), to Clayton's disgust. 3 students walk behind Drake, laughing at him]''
:'''Drake''': Hello? 
:'''Boy''': ''[sees Drake's black eye]'' It's true! 
:'''Drake''': Oh, the black eye? Yeah, a little accident. 
:'''Boy''': That's not what we heard. 
:'''Drake''': And what did you hear? 
:'''Boy''': That you're making fun of Eric's sister. 
:'''Girl''': Hey, Drake. I heard you got punched by a nerd. 
:'''Drake''': IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!! 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Crazy Steve''': Excuse me, Josh. 
:'''Josh''': What!? 
:'''Crazy Steve''': I notice you're stacking that candy in an angry way. 
:'''Josh''': I AM angry! Alright, Mindy's over there with her new boyfriend, rubbing him right in my face. 
:'''Crazy Steve''': I just give this a little squeeze... DON'T DRINK WHILE I'M TALKING!!!! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Craig''': ''[pops up from the trash can]'' Hello.
:'''Drake''': ''[screams]'' Craig?
:'''Craig''': Are you alone?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I'm alone.
:'''Craig''': Good. ''[holds out a bag of pork rinds]'' Pork rind?
:'''Drake''': Sure. ''[takes a pork rind from the bag and starts eating it]'' So you're the one that sent the blimp?
:'''Craig''': That's right.
:'''Drake''': ''[concerned]'' Why would you wanna take down Eric? He's your best friend.
:'''Craig''': WAS my best friend. Now that Eric's Mr. Popular pants and has a hot girlfriend, he doesn't give a rat's hat about me!
:'''Drake''': Rat's hat?
:'''Craig''': ''[furious]'' He's forgotten that I am the one who's been his best friend since we were 7 years old! THAT I'M THE ONE WHO DRIED HIS TEARS WHEN HIS IGUANA GOT DIABETES! THAT I--  
:'''Drake''': ''[He interrupts Craig]'' OKAY, OKAY, I get it, get it, get it. Just tell me how to stop him.
:'''Craig''': Ok, but first you have to promise me something.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Craig''': I love to sing.
:'''Drake''': ''[confused, steps aside]'' And?
:'''Craig''': And you are like a professional singer.
:'''Drake''': ''[still confused]'' You wanna sing a song with me?
:'''Craig''': I've wanted this for a long time!
:'''Drake''': Ok, ok, if you help me prove Eric's a liar, you can sing a song with me.
:'''Craig''': Excellent. Now, listen carefully. Eric, is a pacifist.
:'''Drake''': I thought he was Jewish.
:'''Craig''': A pacifist is someone who refuses to fight.
:'''Drake''': Okay...
:'''Craig''': So, if you insult Eric in front of a bunch of people, he won't fight back, and then everyone will know he was lying about standing up to you!
:'''Drake''': Uh-huh!
:'''Craig''': And then he won't be popular anymore which means he'll come crawling back to me! And don't forget our song.
:'''Drake''': I won't forget the song.
:'''Craig''': Good, I'll start practicing.
:''[Drake walks away while Craig starts singing in the dumpster behind the school's cafeteria]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': ''[he stops the argument about stacks of cards]'' Okay, you know what?! You know what?! Enough with the cards, alright?! I got big problems!
:'''Josh''': What, that Eric thing?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, he's lying to everybody and ruining my life just to make himself popular. But you know what? 
:'''Josh''': What?
:'''Drake''': I'm gonna go find Eric and punch him right in his little nerdy head!
:'''Josh''': You don't want to do that! ''[grabs him]''
:'''Drake''': Then give me a one good reason.
:'''Josh''': 'Cause it's not gonna help you! Alright? It's just gonna make you look worse or you're gonna handle these things maturely.
:'''Drake''': Kinda like you do with Mindy?!
:'''Josh''': DIFFERENT!!! ''[crosses his arms]''
:'''Drake''': It's not different?
:'''Josh''': Mindy rubbing a new boyfriend in my face is an outrage, OUTRAGE!!!
:'''Drake''': And Eric wrecking my life isn't?!
:'''Josh''': I'm not saying it's not bro, but look you gotta help me with-- ''[the doorbell interrupts them as Drake opens the door and Clayton talks to Drake and Josh about what Drake did to his water]''
:'''Clayton''': ''[worried, mumbling]'' Why?
:''[Josh points to Drake and tells him to close the door. Drake awkwardly locks the door as he and Josh cool off]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chad''': Do you guys have free refills on the ginger ale?
:'''Josh''': Oh, you want some ginger ale do you? Yeah, Chad can't get enough of his precious ginger ale!! Oh, No! Well, I'll tell you what, Chad!!! Why not call up the ginger ale headquarters and have them back up a tanker truck to your mouth!? So Chad can drink ginger ale til' there's no more ginger ale for the REST OF THE EARTH'S POPULATION!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after Josh becomes obnoxious that Mindy has a new boyfriend, she comes over to check on him]''
:'''Josh''': What do you except? I mean, I know we're broken up, but that doesn’t give you the right to rub your new boyfriend in my face.
:'''Mindy''': He's not my boyfriend.
:'''Josh''': Look, I don't care what you call him-
:'''Mindy''': He's my cousin.
:'''Josh''': Your cousin?
:'''Mindy''': Yeah. I'm not dating anyone. He just moved here from St. Louis, so I've been showing him around.
:'''Josh''': Why didn't you tell me that?
:'''Mindy''': I tried, you never gave me a chance.
:'''Josh''': So tonight, you were just messing with my head? 
:'''Mindy''': I think you deserved it after the way you screamed at me. 
:'''Josh''': I still think that was a really obnoxious thing for you to do! 
:'''Mindy''': I think you acted ''way'' more obnoxious. 
:'''Josh''': Well, I'm just glad we're broken up! 
:'''Mindy''': Not as glad as I am! 
:'''Josh''': Oh, really?! 
:'''Mindy''': REALLY! ''[they make out]''
:'''Josh''': We're still broken up, right?
:'''Mindy''': Definitely.
:''[they continue to make out]''

===Megan's Revenge===
:''[Drake and Josh are in Megan's room]''
:'''Drake''': Now, put Megan's camera back where you found this. Being in her room creeps me out.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, me, too. ''[looks at Megan's hamster]'' Awww. Look at Megan's hamster. He's washing his little face.
:'''Drake''': Look, let's just get out of here.
:'''Josh''': Just wait. This is too cute. I gotta get a picture of him.
:'''Drake''': Well, hurry.
:'''Josh''': Okay! Smile, Hervay. 
:''[Hervay falls down from the camera shot Josh took]''
:'''Drake''': Awww. He's playing dead.
:'''Josh''': I think he really is dead!
:'''Drake''': Oh! That hamster cannot be dead. If that hamster is dead, we're dead because Megan’s gonna kill us!
:'''Josh''': W-W-What can I do about it?
:'''Drake''': I don't know your watch o.r.! Fix him.
:'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Okay, okay. Um, alright, I need a CBC, uh, a chem seven chest phone.
:'''Drake''': Just give him CPU!
:'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Alright! ''[takes out Hervay from his cage]'' See what everybody say with me!
:'''Drake''': Okay.
:'''Josh''': ''[blows on Hervay's mouth]'' 1 1,000 , 2 1,000 , 3 1,000 , BREATHE! ''[blows on Hervay's mouth again and tries to pick him up but fails]'' That's it. 10:22, I'm calling it!
:'''Drake''': NO! ''[runs up to Hervay and blows his mouth]'' 
:'''Josh''': ''[gaves Drake backwards]'' HE'S GONE!
:'''Drake''': Josh, Megan is going to kill us!
:'''Josh''': Maybe she won't. Maybe she'll understand.
:'''Drake''': Think about it. Megan does horrible horrible things to us every day for no reason. Now, SHE HAS A REASON!
:'''Josh''': WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!
:''[Drake quickly puts the camera in her drawer and Josh puts Hervay back in his room as they leave Megan's room fast]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Megan uses a remote to create a hole on the floor to make Drake and Josh fall to the garage from their bedroom]''
:'''Megan''': Okay, that was good revenge, too. And by the way, you didn't kill Hervay. The camera flash just stunned. He's fine, see? ''[shows Drake and Josh her pet hamster Hervay who is still alive]''
:'''Drake and Josh''': MEGAN!

===Steered Straight===
:'''Josh''': Man, we can't get into the Reptile Room ''[nightclub]''. You have to be over 21.
:'''Drake''': You are, Mr... ''[pulls out fake ID]'' Yakitori!
:'''Josh''': ''[takes fake ID and looks at it]'' What's this?
:'''Drake''': Fake ID, here, check mine out. ''[takes out his own fake ID and gives it to Josh]''
:'''Josh''': ''[reads the name on Drake's fake ID]'' Jefferson Steelflex?
:'''Drake''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah, made it up.
:'''Josh''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, REALLY! So you're suggesting that we use fake IDs to get into a nightclub posing as... ''[reads the names on the IDs again]'' Jefferson Steelflex and Alvin Yakitori?
:'''Drake''': Yep. And, hey, we gotta be there before 10:30 because I'm pretty sure...
:'''Josh''': It's illegal to use fake IDs!
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well, it's illegal to rob banks, but people do it!
:'''Josh''': Yes, people who are BANK ROBBERS!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after Blaze has gone]''
:'''Josh''': Are you CRAZY?! What if Mom, Dad or Megan are downstairs?
:'''Drake''': Look, both of the cars are gone, alright? So nobody's home.
:'''Josh''': Good. Oh, quick. Quick, let's call the cops before he comes back.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, right, right, right, right.
:'''Josh''': Okay.
:'''Drake''': Uh...
:'''Josh''': Uh, alright. ''[pushes the phone with his head and he and Drake struggle to call the police]'' Alright, work together. Teamwork.
:'''Drake''': Okay.
:'''Josh''': Teamwork.
:'''Drake''': Alright.
:'''Josh''': To the left.
:'''Drake''': Ow!
:'''Josh''': To the--
:'''Drake''': Grab it.
:'''Josh''': Alright. ''[the phone slides away from him and Drake]'' Teamworking.
:'''Drake''': Grab it. Alright, press the 9, man.
:'''Josh''': Oh, this isn't gonna work.
:'''Drake''': Alright. Fine, fine, here. ''[puts it behind him]'' I'll hold it behind my back, you dial it with your nose.
:'''Josh''': I'm not sticking my nose down there.
:'''Drake''': Would you rather take your chances with a vicious criminal?
:'''Josh''': I think so.
:'''Drake''': Oh, just dial the number.
:'''Josh''': Alright. ''[presses the 9 button with his nose]'' 9. ''[then the 1 button]'' 1. 
:''[sneezes on the phone and Drake lets go of it]''
:'''Drake''': Aw, man. You sneezed on my palm.
:'''Josh''': It is allergy season. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Drake and Josh''': Dad.

===Megan's First Kiss===
:'''Megan''': Um, what are you doing this Saturday night?
:'''Drake''': Going to a concert at the Mega Dome.
:'''Josh''': Why?
:'''Drake''': 'Cause we bought tickets.
:'''Josh''': ''[to Drake]'' Not you! ''[to Megan]'' Why do you wanna know what we're doing Saturday night?
:'''Megan''': I don't care what you're doing.
:'''Drake''': But you just asked us.
:'''Megan''': Or, maybe you, just asked yourselves! Yeah. Think about that... ''[Megan leaves the room smiling]''
:'''Drake''': Okay I wanna know what her deal is!
:'''Josh''': Yeah, yeah, yeah she's up to something!
:'''Drake''': Yeah, first she hangs up the phone, pretends to not be talking to anybody.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, and she measures our necks and asks of our social plans.
:'''Drake''': Wait, she said we asked ourselves about that.
:'''Josh''': Really, you're not a smart boy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake and Josh walk into the Premiere disguised as Jews]''
:'''Drake''': Okay, all I'm saying is, the next time we need disguises, I'm getting them!
:'''Josh''': I told you, the costume shop was closed, the temple was open! And these are good disguises.
:'''Drake''': I don't even know what accent to talk with. 
:'''Josh''': Doesn't matter, just sound foreign.
:'''Helen''': Can I help you gentlemen find something?
:'''Josh''': ''[Irish accent]'' Top of the mornin to ya, how are ya? Potata!
:'''Helen''': Potato?
:'''Drake''': ''[Irish accent]'' Come along, Pontiac.
:'''Josh''': Yes, let's go observe the mulberry bush!
:'''Drake''': Pip pip da doodly-doo!
:'''Helen''': Pip pip da doodly-doo! I'm gonna start sayin that. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
I used to be his girlfriend.

===The Battle of Panthatar===
:''[Opening comments: Drake and Josh ask themselves random questions]''
:'''Drake''': Hello, what's your name?
:'''Josh''': Hi! Who are you?
:'''Drake''': What is your favorite thing to eat?
:'''Josh''': What games do you like to play?
:'''Drake and Josh''': Me, too!
:'''Drake''': Hey, do you like me?
:'''Josh''': Do you wanna be my friend?
:'''Drake''': Aw, thank you!
:'''Josh''': ... What is that supposed to mean?
:'''Drake''': You think I'm handsome? What a special thing to say!
:'''Josh''': What? Who are you calling a dork? Hey hey hey hey! Go fetch your mother! Yeah I'm talking to you!
:'''Drake''': A present? For me?
:'''Josh''': Alright just put your kid right in front of the TV set because I have a few things to say!
:'''Drake''': ''[holding a handed a plate of cookies]'' A plate of cookies? Ohh, yummy!
:'''Josh''': I-I think it's pretty rude to tell a person that he's a --''[boy spits in his eye]''... did you just... you spit in my eye!
:'''Drake''': Mmm... these are my favorite!
:'''Josh''': Ohh, it burns! Aghh! Aghh!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
Josh sobs 
I AM TALKING TO PEOPLE!!! 
UNINVITED!!! [storms away] 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:''[Drake enters his and Josh's room]''
:'''Drake''': Hey.
:'''Josh''': Well? Did you go to Thornton's house? Did you apologize?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I went to Thornton's house, and I apologized.
:'''Josh''': Well, perfect, and?
:'''Drake''': He had his housekeeper kick me out, then he hit me with a broom, and I fell down some brick stairs.
:'''Josh''': ''[groans]'' I really wanted to go to that party. Why do you ruin everything?
:'''Drake''': Don't worry, alright? I'm gonna figure a way to get even with that Thornton.
:'''Josh''': I don't wanna get even. ''[whining]'' I WANNA GO TO THAT BIRTHDAY PARTY!
:'''Drake''': Bro, Thornton hates us.
:'''Josh''': Well, let's make him love us again.
:'''Drake''': I tried.
:'''Josh''': Well, maybe we can... ''[notices Drake's autographed [[The Beatles|Beatles]] ''Abbey Road'' album]'' Hey. Isn't Thornton a huge Beatles fan?
:'''Drake''': Well, yeah, but I don't see what that has to do-- [realizes what Josh means] Oh, no, no. No way. ''[hides it in his arms]'' Don't even think about it.
:'''Josh''': I'm telling you, if we give him that album--
:'''Drake''': Absolutely not.
:'''Josh''': I guarantee you he'll re-invite us.
:'''Drake''': Dude, I love this album more than I love myself.
:'''Josh''': Dude.
:'''Drake''': Okay, but I love this album a lot. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
NOT UNTIL I GET MY BEETLES ALBUM BACK!!!

===[[w:Really Big Shrimp|Really Big Shrimp]]===
&lt;small&gt;Note: This episode was an hour long.&lt;/small&gt;
:'''Crazy Steve''': ''[looks at his watch]'' It's time! ''[he steals old man's cane and starts chasing Josh]'' You ate my enchilada!
:'''Josh''': There was no note!
:'''Crazy Steve''': You ate my enchilada!
:'''Josh''': There was no note! 

:'''Crazy Steve''': You ate my enchilada! 
:'''Josh''': I thought we settled this! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Audrey''': ''[hears doorbell; talking about Helen and Lula]'' Walter, they're here.
:'''Walter''': Ooh. ''[walks before the front door]''
:'''Megan''': Dad, are you sure about this?
:'''Walter''': Yes. And we are doing a very nice thing for a sweet old lady. ''[Lula breaks the door in] ''
:'''Lula''': Where's the bathroom?!
:'''Audrey''': Did you just break our door in?!
:'''Lula''': I rang the doorbell, waited 25 seconds, no one answered, what I supposed to do?
:'''Josh''': You could've rang the doorbell, again.
:'''Lula''': ''[to Helen]'' Who's that boy with a big head that looks like a tooth pick with a cantaloupe on top? ''[Megan laughs and Josh give her a furious look]''
:'''Megan''': What, am I going to pretend that wasn't funny?
:'''Helen''': That's Josh, he works with me at the Premeire. ''[introduces everyone else]'' That's Drake, I prefer him. That's Megan, that's Mrs. Parker (Audrey), and this is...''[forgets who Walter is]''
:'''Walter''': Walter!
:'''Lula''': Great, now where's the bathroom?!
:'''Audrey''': Right through that door.
:'''Lula''': Well, thank you for finally giving me that information! ''[walks into bathroom and slams door]''
:'''Audrey''': Is she always so--? 
:'''Helen''': Buh-bye! ''[goes away]''
:'''Megan''': I can't believe that lady is staying in our guest room for a week.
:'''Walter''': No, she's staying in your room.
:'''Megan''': What?!
:'''Audrey''': You'll be staying in the boys' room.
:'''Drake, Josh and Megan''': What?!
:'''Josh''': This is an outrage!
:'''Drake''': What are we gonna stay?
:'''Walter''': ''[to Drake and Josh]'' Your room is huge. The three of you will be fine for a week.
:'''Megan''': Aw, this is horrible.
:'''Walter''': It's not that bad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Megan''': Fine, I'll tell him. Josh, Molly thinks you're cute.
:'''Megan's Friends''': Eww!
:''[Josh walks out of the room]''
:'''Molly''': Call me!!
:'''Megan's Friends''': Eww!
:''[Josh peeks his head back through the door]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake arrives home]''
:'''Audrey''': Super Bowl's on.
:'''Drake''': I don't care.
:'''Josh''': Come on, the commercial's up in about two minutes. You gotta watch. It's your song.
:'''Drake''': It's not my song. It's horrible bubble-gum pop garbage-y badness. That 50,000,000 people are about to hear. I'll be on the roof.
:'''Josh''': Why?
:'''Drake''': Because you're not there. ''[walks away]''
:'''Josh''': Drake! ''[runs off to Drake]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crazy Steve''': Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in...
:'''Lula''': ''[annoyed]'' I know how to breathe!
:'''Crazy Steve''': ''[screaming]'' '''''JUST DO WHAT I SAY!'''''
:'''Lula''': ''[scared]'' Okay. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mindy''': ''[Yells after Crazy Steve goes insane]'' Help! Crazy Steve's gone berserk! 
:'''Josh &amp; Helen''': Crazy Steve!? 
:'''Mindy''': WHO ELSE!? 
:'''Josh''': But it's Monday, you can't schedule Crazy Steve to work on a Monday! 
:'''Helen''': Monday's his bad day! 
:'''Mindy''': Well, no one TOLD me that!!! 
:'''Crazy Steve''': ''[waving nutted shoes]'' CUCKADOODLEDOO, THE COW SAYS MOO!!! 

&lt; 
Which is why you’re fired. 

&lt; 
Will you not scream in my room? 

&lt; 
I want the shrimp.

===Helicopter===
:''[Drake and Josh try to wake up Vince]''
:'''Josh''': Hey, hey. He's awake.
:'''Drake''': You're awake!
:'''Vince''': ''[wakes up]'' Oh, what happened? How long I been out?
:'''Drake''': About 10 minutes. 
:'''Vince''': Oh, I remember. You clowns were fighting over this parachute. ''[holds his head]'' Oh, what'd I hit my head on?
:'''Josh''': This fire extinguisher.
:'''Vince''': Oh.
:'''Josh''': See, I'm pretty sure you hit your head right on this lever-- ''[he sprays Vince with a fire extinguisher and Vince screams outside after he pranked him]''
:'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' Do you know what you just did?!
:'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' I extinguished our pilot?
:'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' No, he has a parachute! You've extinguished us!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
It opened! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Vince angrily arrives at Drake and Josh's house after Drake and Josh blasted him out of the helicopter]''
:'''Vince''': You blasted me out of my own helicopter.
:'''Drake &amp; Josh''': Wha-- shh!
:'''Drake''': Not in front of our parents.
:'''Audrey''': Who is it?
:'''Drake &amp; Josh''': Uh--
:'''Drake''': Some, crazy, guy.
:''[Josh whistles]''
:'''Walter''': ''[to Audrey]'' I'll handle this. ''[he walks over to Vince]'' How can I help you?
:'''Vince''': Are you their father?
:'''Walter''': Yes. ''[Vince angrily gives him a bill]'' What's this?
:'''Vince''': ''[angrily]'' A bill. That's how much you owe me for my new helicopter.
:'''Walter''': What? ''[looks at the bill Vince gave him]'' '''''$400,000?!'''''
:''[Audrey and Megan are both shocked]''
:'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Boys, you're both grounded.
:'''Josh''': But, Dad--
:'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Grounded, two weeks.
:'''Josh''': But it wasn't our fault!
:'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Upstairs.
:'''Josh''': ''[defeated]'' Yes, sir.
:'''Drake''': Night.
:'''Josh''': Night.
:''[Drake and Josh head upstairs and ground themselves for two weeks as Walter needs to pay $400,000 for Vince's new helicopter]''

===Dance Contest===
:'''Eric''': So, uh, Josh, thanks for throwing me this... great party.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, this is quite a party. Hope the neighbors don't call the cops on us.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:’’’Stage director’’’: STOP IT! (14x) Perhaps, you lady didn’t read the rules: you fight, you’re out! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Drake and Josh''': ''[last lines]'' Who is she?

==External links==

{{wikipedia|Drake &amp; Josh}}

[[Category:Drake &amp; Josh seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
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    <title>The Twilight Zone (2002 TV series)</title>
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'''''[[w:The Twilight Zone (2002 TV series)|The Twilight Zone]]''''' (2002–2003) was an American science-fiction/fantasy anthology television series based on [[Rod Serling]]'s classic TV anthology show, ''[[The Twilight Zone (1959 TV series)|The Twilight Zone]]''. Like the original series and [[The Twilight Zone (1985 TV series)|the second series]], this show contains mostly ironic or special situations with a twist at the end, which show the human nature, coupled with science fiction, horror or fantasy.

==Opening narration==
''You're traveling to another dimension. A dimension not only of sight and sound...but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are only that of the imagination. You're entering...the Twilight Zone.''

==Season 1==
===''Evergreen'' [1.01]===
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Meet the Winslows, a family searching for a way to control their troubled teen. How far they're willing to go will take them to a gated community whose address can only be found in the Twilight Zone.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Forest Whitaker''': The Winslows have finally taken back control of their family, but it cost them one teenage daughter. A deal brokered only...in the Twilight Zone.

===''One Night at Mercy'' [1.02]===
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Our congratulations to Dr. Jay Ferguson, who has just saved his first life. But tonight, he will meet a patient who will challenge all his assumptions about living and dying in the Twilight Zone.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Life and death walk side by side. They are partners in the cycle of existence. If you don't believe it, just talk to Dr. Jay Ferguson, now a first-year resident...in the Twilight Zone.

===''Shades of Guilt'' [1.03]===
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Portrait of Matthew McGreevey, a man who looks in the mirror and sees a decent, upstanding citizen. But appearances can be deceiving and tonight, Matt's about to get a reality check at an intersection known as the Twilight Zone.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Forest Whitaker''': The old saying goes &quot;You don't know a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes.&quot; Matt McGreevey went one better. He got to walk in another man's skin. A simple lesson in compassion, courtesy of the Twilight Zone.

===''Dream Lover'' [1.04]===
:'''Forest Whitaker''': The blank page. For some, it's a nightmare. Our story tonight is about a writer caught in just such a nightmare. Desperately in search of inspiration, he has taken up refuge in a secluded chalet, dead center in the Twilight Zone.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Forest Whitaker''': For some, the blank page can be a source of dread, but for Sondra Lomax, it was on her way to another bestseller. That nightmare is in the past thanks to her own resolve and a sturdy eraser. Tools of the trade in the Twilight Zone.

===''Cradle of Darkness'' [1.05]===
:'''Forest Whitaker''': What if you had a chance to go back in time, to save millions of lives by killing one man? Andrea Collins will soon discover this mission to be more difficult than she ever imagined, as she takes a one-way trip into the Twilight Zone.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Forest Whitaker''': A moment of silence for Andrea Collins. She sacrificed her life for the good of mankind, but she also created the very monster she sought to destroy. History can never be changed. Not even in the Twilight Zone.

===''Night Route'' [1.06]===
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Meet Melina Croner, a young woman out for a late-night walk, unaware that she's about to reach a fork in the road, where she'll face a life-altering decision that can only be made in the Twilight Zone.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Pity. Poor Melina Croner. She spent her entire life too afraid to live it and lost all hope at happiness. Making the wrong choice can be fatal in the Twilight Zone.

===''Time Lapse'' [1.07]===
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Zack Walker was a simple man with simple problems until today. In the blink of an eye, he's lost the last two days of his life. Where is he? How did he get here? Zack will soon discover the unsettling answers to these questions in the Twilight Zone.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Two lives have been exchanged to save one young woman, making Zack Walker the most unlikely of heroes. Unfortunately, Zack will never know why it had to be this way because the answer only resides in the Twilight Zone.

===''Dead Man's Eyes'' [1.08]===
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Born into a life of wealth and privilege, Laurel Janus has always gotten exactly what she wants. But with the murder of her husband, Laurel's life of luxury has been shattered. Now all she wants is to see justice done. A justice that can only be found in the Twilight Zone.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Laurel Janus' vision of justice has finally come into focus. The verdict: guilty. Guilty of a life lived in complete denial. And now serving out her sentence in a lonely corner of the Twilight Zone.

===''The Pool Guy'' [1.09]===
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Name: Richie Almares. Job description: Pool guy. In just a moment, Richie's mundane daily routine will become a never-ending nightmare, one that will give new meaning to the word ''victim.'' That nightmare begins now in the Twilight Zone.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Richie Almares' prison has no walls, no bars, not even a single guard. It's simply a state of mind from which there can be no escape. Sweet dreams, Richie.

===''Azoth the Avenger Is a Friend of Mine'' [1.10]===
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Craig Hansen's only refuge from his abusive father is a fantasy realm, home to that heroic protector of the weak, Azoth the Avenger. But Craig is about to discover what happens when fantasy becomes reality in the Zone.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Sometimes we pray for a hero to deliver us from evil. Armed with nothing more than his new-found courage and a powerful imagination, Craig Hansen discovered that hero was none other than himself. Chalk one up for the good guys in the Twilight Zone.

===''The Lineman'' [1.11]===
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Tyler Andrew Ward, a telephone lineman and charter member in the fraternity of lonely dreamers. Tyler is about to test what he wishes for to the breaking point and beyond. You might say what you're about to see is impossible. Probably in most places, but not here in the Twilight Zone.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Be careful what you wish for. They say the drives of the human primate are to breathe, eat, find shelter and mate. But what part of the psyche is it that never learns when it's had enough? Insurance companies say lightning strikes are acts of God. Hey, maybe he or she has nothing to do with it. Maybe they are just doorways into the Twilight Zone.

===''Harsh Mistress'' [1.12]===
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Cory Williams dreams of being a rock star and all that it brings: fame, fortune, an endless parade of women. But for some, this dream comes with a price. For Cory, that price will be something far greater than he ever bargained for.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Forest Whitaker''': A warning for all you wannabe rock stars: make sure you have the talent to back up your ambitions because sometimes, dreams die hard. Just ask Cory Williams, currently on tour in the Twilight Zone.

===''Upgrade'' [1.13]===
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Perfection. Isn't that something we all yearn for? Annie Macintosh does. She wants the perfect house, the perfect family, the perfect life. But she's about to learn that perfection is an illusion...and a terrifying one at that...in The Twilight Zone.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Just a game? Or is it? How do we know we aren't all just characters in some computer game called life? And at any moment, each of us could be replaced by someone a little smarter, a little younger, a little more...perfect?

===''To Protect and Serve'' [1.14]===
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Eric Boggs, policeman. These are his streets, his people. He sees himself as their guardian angel, but Eric's sense of duty and his sanity are about to be tested by a most uncommon criminal in the Twilight Zone.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Officer Eric Boggs became a policeman to protect and serve the innocent, a duty he took very seriously, which is why he is still on patrol. His new beat? The Twilight Zone.

===''Chosen'' [1.15]===
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Now that's a sales pitch Vince Hansen doesn't hear every day. But what exactly did they mean by ''chosen''? In the Twilight Zone, Vince is about to find out the answer, whether he wants to or not.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Forest Whitaker''': In a world about to end, Vince Hansen was given a chance for salvation, but leave it to Vince, one of life's perpetual losers, to make the wrong choice and wind up just another cinder on an ash heap somewhere...in the Twilight Zone.

===''Sensuous Cindy'' [1.16]===
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Sexual fantasies. Every one of us has them. Harmless enough most of the time. On the eve of his marriage, Benjamin Baker has decided to indulge himself. He's about to get very, very lucky. Or is he?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Benjamin Baker narrowly escaped his fantasy, while his fiancée explores her own sensual nature. A glimpse into the future of modern romance, for better or for worse, courtesy of the Twilight Zone.

===''Hunted'' [1.17]===
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Welcome to the near future, where a society, free of violence, suddenly finds itself threatened by a savage enemy. Now Jeffrey Freed is about to get a taste of the bad old days as he journeys into the wilds of the Twilight Zone.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Forest Whitaker''': God created humanity in his image. Humans created Jeffrey Freed and his kind in their image. Extinction or evolution? I guess it all depends on your point of view.

===''Mr. Motivation'' [1.18]===
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Charlie Stickney has never had quite enough confidence to stand up for himself. But today is different. Today is a day of reckoning, a test of character, a battle of wills, thanks to a very unusual toy made in the Twilight Zone.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Forest Whitaker''': By listening to that little voice, Charlie Stickney won the battle of wills with his boss and with himself. Another success story courtesy of...
:'''Mr. Motivation''': The Twilight Zone.

===''Sanctuary'' [1.19]===
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Meet Scott Turner, a hotshot sports agent who thinks he knows the path to success is happiness. But Scott will discover that these two things don't necessarily go hand in hand as he makes a detour off the beaten path and into the Twilight Zone.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Most of us dream of paradise at one time or another. Scott Turner actually found his. Unfortunately, he was unable to hold onto it and found himself back in the game of modern life.

===''Future Trade'' [1.20]===
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Martin Donner doesn't realize it yet, but he's just been offered the deal of a lifetime. All he has to do is walk through a door and into the Twilight Zone.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Next time somebody offers you a deal too good to be true, make sure you read the fine print, especially when that deal is brokered in the Twilight Zone.

===''Found and Lost'' [1.21]===
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Sean Moore, a man on the eve of attaining a level of wealth that most of us can only dream about. But the choices Sean made to get to this point are about to come back to haunt him, courtesy of the Twilight Zone.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Forest Whitaker''': They say you can't go home again. But tell that to Sean Moore, who traded his fortune for the most precious gift of all: a chance to wipe the slate clean and start life anew.

===''Gabe's Story'' [1.22]===
:'''Forest Whitaker''': William Shakespeare once wrote that the fault lies not in our stars but in ourselves. However, Gabe O'Brien, a man who just can't get a break is about to learn the fault may actually lie somewhere else.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Shakespeare observed that all the world's a stage, its men and women merely players. But Gabe O'Brien proved that sometimes you can grab the pen from the poet and write your own story. A lesson learned in the Twilight Zone.

===''Last Lap'' [1.23]===
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Marco Flores and Andy Perez are about to drive their last lap together in a race against destiny. But this particular course has an unexpected detour into the Twilight Zone.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Forest Whitaker''': It's natural to fear death. But with a little help from his family and friends, Andy Perez learned to accept the inevitable. Rest in peace, Andy.

===''The Path'' [1.24]===
:'''Forest Whitaker''': The future. We'd all like to know what's in store for us. Ally Warner has just been given a glimpse into hers. Now she's about to go down a path that will lead her deep into the Twilight Zone.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Forest Whitaker''': By seeking the path to her future, Ally Warner put her destiny into the hands of another. And now that path has become a dead end filled with helplessness, despair, and boundless dread. Miss Ally Warner, facing the bleakest of futures in the Twilight Zone.

===''Fair Warning'' [1.25]===
:'''Forest Whitaker''': When you're in love, the world seems perfect. Just ask Tina Bishop. But unrequited love, that's a different story altogether. And Tina's about to find out just how painful and dangerous it can be.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Sometimes it's just a voice that whispers in our ear, an impulse for decency residing in even the darkest of souls. And that voice can sometimes make the difference between life and death. Just ask Tina Bishop.

===''Another Life'' [1.26]===
:'''Forest Whitaker''': When you're at the top of your game like Marvin Gardens, the only thing left to conquer is fear: fear that your success won't last, that maybe, just maybe, you might fall back into a life you once escaped.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Forest Whitaker''': For Dwayne Grant, a.k.a. Marvin Gardens, justice was just an illusion. So he escaped into an illusion of his own making. Dwayne Grant...living out his dreams...in the Twilight Zone.

===''Rewind'' [1.27]===
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Jonah Beach has a problem. All of his adult life, he's been trying to beat the house and always coming up short. But Jonah may have just found the edge he needs to win, courtesy of the Twilight Zone.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Forest Whitaker''': In chasing the big score, Jonah Beach forgot the one unchanging rule of the game: the house always wins, especially in the Twilight Zone.

===''Tagged'' [1.28]===
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Marcus Fisher is a tagger, an advance man, if you will, for the ''A'' Street Deuces, a gang armed with the usual vices and willing to do anything to show the world just who rules. Marcus is about to get schooled in a little thing called consequence. Because tonight, just down that alley, he'll make his own mark in the Twilight Zone.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Forest Whitaker''': A mark on a wall, ink under the skin. Easy enough things to remove with enough pain and effort. But only an act of contrition could erase the tag on Marcus Fisher's soul in the Twilight Zone.

===''Into the Light'' [1.29]===
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Meet Rachel Stark. She may think she's ready to quit her job and leave her students behind, but today this teacher's going to learn a lesson in commitment, courtesy of the Twilight Zone.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Rachel Stark didn't ask to be special. She didn't want to be a hero. But sometimes fate reaches out a cold hand to tap your shoulder from the Twilight Zone.

===''[[w:It's Still a Good Life|It's Still a Good Life]]'' [1.30]===
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Forty years ago, Rod Serling introduced us to a monster, a monster so powerful he was able to make the world disappear just by using his mind. For the residents of Peaksville, Ohio, the nightmare had begun. The monster knew their every thought, could feel their every emotion; and when they made him angry, which was often, he would banish them into a cornfield from which there was no return. And the most frightening thing about this monster was that he was only six years old. Now it's forty years later, and the people of Peaksville are still in Hell. Oh, yes, there's one other thing: The monster now has a child of his own, and though she possesses none of her father's powers, he still loves her very, very much.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Forest Whitaker''': No lesson to be learned here. No morals to be taught. Just an update from Peaksville, Ohio, where Anthony and Audrey Fremont want you to think happy thoughts. And you better do as you're told. Otherwise, you might wind up in that cornfield known as the Twilight Zone.

===''[[w:The Monsters Are on Maple Street|The Monsters Are on Maple Street]]'' [1.31]===
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Maple Street, U.S.A. A suburban community on a pleasant Saturday afternoon. But in a few moments, everything will change for the residents of Maple Street as they discover that the monsters they fear may already be among them.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Forest Whitaker''': It isn't enough for a sole voice of reason to exist. In this time of uncertainty, we're so sure that villains lurk around every corner, that we will create them ourselves if we can't find them. For while fear may keep us vigilant, it's also fear that tears us apart. A fear that sadly exists only too often outside the Twilight Zone.

===''Memphis'' [1.32]===
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Ray Ellison just got the kind of news all of us dread. But on the worst day of his life, Ray Ellison's luck is about to change. He's going to have a chance to save his future by altering the past.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Ray Ellison was looking for a fresh start and he only had to go back 35 years to find one. Sometimes the key to our future lies in the past. A lesson courtesy of the Twilight Zone.

===''How Much Do You Love Your Kid?'' [1.33]===
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Meet Donna Saicheck, just another person living beyond her means in uncertain times and looking for a short break from the reality of her existence. We're about to see just how far Donna is willing to go, when another kind of reality intrudes, in the Twilight Zone.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Forest Whitaker''': There's reality and there's entertainment. There's a life you lead and the fantasies you're led to, by a small but powerful group of people known as television executives, who recently discovered the entertainment value of real life. And in the future, if you think there's a risk they won't take, a line they won't cross, then we have an offer to make and some time for you to spend in the Twilight Zone.

===''The Placebo Effect'' [1.34]===
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Dr. Leslie Coburn has always treated Harry with a placebo: an imaginary cure for his imaginary illnesses. But what will this young doctor do when her patient contracts a real disease? A disease found only in the Twilight Zone.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Dr. Leslie Coburn had a brilliant idea: use an imaginary cure for an imaginary illness. But like the virus itself, Harry took her cure to heart and he made it real.
:'''Dr. Leslie Coburn''': What have I done?
:'''Forest Whitaker''': A testament to the amazing powers of the mind in the Twilight Zone.

===''Cold Fusion'' [1.35]===
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Meet Dr. Paul Thorson, man of reason. A man used to solving problems others deem impossible. He's about to find himself tested at a forgotten outpost in a frozen wasteland somewhere deep inside the Twilight Zone.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Forest Whitaker''': The border between sanity and insanity is sometimes marked not by our reason but by fear. Fear of ourselves and our own capacity for destruction. An empirical observation recorded and filed by Dr. Paul Thorson in the Twilight Zone.

===''The Pharaoh's Curse'' [1.36]===
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Magic is an art based on deceit, on illusion disguised as reality. Tonight Mario Devlin will question what he's always taken for granted: the difference between artifice and reality. Because tonight Mario will get his first real magic lesson in the Twilight Zone.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Forest Whitaker''': There's a place where blind ambition is forced to see. A place where if you're not careful, that climb to the top will age you beyond your years. But it's also a place where those who believe in real magic can stay forever young. A trick whose secret lies hidden deep within the Twilight Zone.

===''The Collection'' [1.37]===
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Miranda Evans has a bond with children. She understands their problems, their fears. But tonight she will meet a special little girl with a very unique problem that will stretch Miranda's bond with reality itself.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Miranda Evans thought she could help a little girl overcome her fears. Now Miranda will be able to ponder the true meaning of fear from inside a glass prison known as the Twilight Zone.

===''[[w:Eye of the Beholder (2003 Twilight Zone episode)|Eye of the Beholder]]'' [1.38]===
:'''Forest Whitaker''': You have been introduced to Miss Janet Tyler, who lives in a very private world of darkness. A universe whose dimensions are the size, thickness, and length of the bandages that cover her face. In a moment, we'll witness the removal of those bandages and we'll see what's under them. Keeping in mind, of course, that we're not to be surprised by what we see, because this isn't just a hospital. And this patient, Janet Tyler, patient number 307, is not just a woman, because this happens to be the Twilight Zone.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Now the questions that come to mind: ''Where is this place and when is it?'' ''What kind of world is this where ugliness is the norm and beauty the deviation from that norm?'' You want an answer? The answer is it doesn't make any difference, because the old saying happens to be true. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. In this year or a hundred years hence. On this planet or wherever there is intelligent life. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Lesson to be learned in the Twilight Zone.

===''Developing'' [1.39]===
:'''Forest Whitaker''': For Edie Durant, life as she knew it ended over a year ago on a wet country road. But today she'll get a second chance at happiness because Edie Durant's future is about to develop in a place where the clearest picture isn't always black and white, and still life isn't quite so still: the Twilight Zone.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Edie Durant thought her life was over, but a lost love gave her a new path to follow. Now Edie is taking her first step back into the world and out of the Twilight Zone.

===''The Executions of Grady Finch'' [1.40]===
:'''Forest Whitaker''': How does it go? The truth shall set you free? But try telling that to Grady Finch, a man about to pay for a crime he swears he didn't commit. Now all he can do is put his faith in a higher justice and pray for a miracle.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Forest Whitaker''': It's said that truth and justice go hand in hand. Just ask Grady Finch, who thought he could cheat them both. Consider Grady's fate nothing more than a sentence deferred...in the Twilight Zone.

===''Homecoming'' [1.41]===
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Sometimes we forget that the casualties of war can extend beyond the battlefield. A teenager, about to unconditionally surrender to a life of bitterness and failure, will become the beneficiary of a very special rescue mission, led by a force of one in the Twilight Zone.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Who's the real hero of this story? A father or a troubled son? So, who is the real hero of this story? There's no need to choose. Because there's room for both in the Twilight Zone.

===''Sunrise'' [1.42]===
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Five close friends looking for a last good time before graduating college and going their separate ways. But their light-hearted search is about to take a dark turn. For the cave they're exploring isn't an ordinary cave: it's a passageway leading directly into the Twilight Zone.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Forest Whitaker''': The sun has returned and the grateful world is warm again. But for these four survivors, a bitter chill remains. Haunted by uncertainty, they can find no peace of mind, no escape from the shadows of doubt, no light to guide them out of the murky depths of the Twilight Zone.

===''Burned'' [1.43]===
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Meet Scott Crane, a real estate mogul who thrives on the art of the deal. In Scott's world, everyone has a price and any problem can be solved through skillful bargaining. But he's about to learn that some debts aren't so easily settled in the Twilight Zone.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Forest Whitaker''': Scott Crane thought he could bargain his way out of any problem, but as he and his associates learned, the price of justice can never be negotiated, especially in the Twilight Zone.

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
*{{IMDb title|0318252|The Twilight Zone}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Twilight Zone, The (2002 TV series)}}
[[Category:2000s American anthology TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American science fiction TV shows]]
[[Category:UPN shows]]
[[Category:Television series reboots]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]</text>
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==Scrub please==
[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Pizza&amp;oldid=prev&amp;diff=2805914]. [[User:Drmies|Drmies]] ([[User talk:Drmies|talk]]) 16:39, 6 June 2020 (UTC)
:Sorry. I've been in and out. But it looks like someone else took care of it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 01:42, 9 June 2020 (UTC)

== [[Special:Contributions/86.20.54.197]] ==

[[Special:Contributions/86.20.54.197|This user]] clearly is not here to build an encyclopedia. Cheers! [[User:Nadzik|Nadzik]] ([[User talk:Nadzik|talk]]) 14:09, 22 July 2020 (UTC)
:{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:37, 23 July 2020 (UTC)

== Recruitment for WMF study on patrollers ==

Hello GreenMeansGo,

The Wikimedia Foundation is currently conducting a study on how patrollers interact with IP address edits, and what kinds of IP information are most useful to patrollers. I noticed that you're active in anti-vandalism work on English Wikiquote, and would like to invite you to do an interview with us. It should take no longer than 30 minutes. If you're interested, please contact me via email, clo@wikimedia.org. Thank you for your time! [[User:CLo (WMF)|CLo (WMF)]] ([[User talk:CLo (WMF)|talk]]) 16:23, 17 August 2020 (UTC)

== Friendly letter recommodation ==

Hy thr i saw you reviewed my edit im nt angry i'd like to ask for some advice on wikiquote if you would please i wanna do it personal my number is [redacted] can you send me info on that number please [[User:Angie williamz|Angie williamz]] ([[User talk:Angie williamz|talk]]) 02:51, 26 September 2020 (UTC)
:{{ping|Angie williamz}} generally you shouldn't be posting phone numbers publically like that. I have hidden it in the history, and suggest emailing GreenMeansGo using the &quot;Email this user&quot; feature if you want to discuss something privately. --[[User:DannyS712|DannyS712]] ([[User talk:DannyS712|talk]]) 03:21, 26 September 2020 (UTC)

Ok thanks for the advice [[User:Angie williamz|Angie williamz]] ([[User talk:Angie williamz|talk]]) 03:24, 26 September 2020 (UTC)
* I reverted your edit because you changed the text of the tag line for the movie. Quotes are just that. We don't edit them or update them to make them more agreeable. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:39, 26 September 2020 (UTC)

== Block? ==
I don't know what these two users are up to but it's nothing good. Please consider a block: [[Special:Contributions/14.139.153.162]], [[Special:Contributions/Manasvip]], [[Special:Contributions/Ashank07]]. [[User:Praxidicae|Praxidicae]] ([[User talk:Praxidicae|talk]]) 17:54, 6 January 2021 (UTC)
* Look like UDScott has already obliged us. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 17:46, 9 January 2021 (UTC)

== M.Zaid ==

Thanks - that was my inclination as well, but I had already speedy deleted it a couple of times and wanted at least someone neutral to look at it. Thanks for pulling the trigger. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:29, 31 March 2021 (UTC)
:I'm glad you agree. It at least made intuitive sense to me. If I made a mainspace page for GreenMeansGo including all my favorite quotes from Mick Jagger, it would kindof seem to make sense that &quot;no quote&quot; means no quotes specifically from the subject of the article. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:34, 31 March 2021 (UTC)

== Swati Maliwal ==

Hello, I saw you deleted this page [[Swati Maliwal]]. I was looking for her quotes over the internet. This was my first page on Wikiquotes. I am supposed to make mistakes. But, at least you should've waited for a day. I didn't know how to move it to Draftspace or to userspace as we can do so on Wikipedia. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 12:54, 21 April 2021 (UTC)
:Hey {{ping|Lightbluerain}}. It's perfectly fine to have works in progress, but new pages should include at least one quote. If you're having difficulty finding at least a single sourceable quote, then the subject may not be appropriate for a Wikiquote article. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:49, 21 April 2021 (UTC)
::She is a very notable personality in India. Check her Wikipedia Page. I just being new don't know what type of Quotes? What type of references, etc.? would go. That's why I was taking time. Should I make the page again now? [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:19, 25 April 2021 (UTC)
:::{{re|Lightbluerain}} You're more than welcome to make a page. It's just a standard that has been adopted over time that we ought to be prepared with at least one sourced quote before we do so. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:02, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
::::Alright, thanks. I'll take care from now on. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 19:32, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
:::::{{re|Lightbluerain}} I'll be travelling internationally for the next little bit, but if I can ever be of any help at all feel free to stop by. I may not be prompt, but I'll be happy to help any way I can. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 21:38, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
::::::Thanks a lot. Sure.[[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:31, 28 April 2021 (UTC)

== YouTube ==

Hello, why can we not use YouTube links in sources? They give good source for statements, like the TEDx Talks and news reports.  Also, is there any tool to add sources here as we have on Wikipedia? I can't find it; I doubt the source format I am currently using. Thanks in advance. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:43, 3 May 2021 (UTC)
* {{re|Lightbluerain}} We generally don't allow primary sources for quotes about living people, as it allows...''a great deal of leeway'' for individual editors to selectively quote things that happen to fit their particular point of view, especially when these are taken out of context. Personally, on any topic, I tend to add quotes ''as they are quoted'' in secondary sources, like newspapers, books or magazines. It kindof takes you as an individual out of the equation. Somebody already quoted it exactly as you are quoting it. We're not (at least in my opinion) really supposed to be creating anything. We're just curating and organizing it.
: As to the sourcing tool, no. We do not currently have that imported to this project. I normally open my sandbox on Wikipedia, use the tool, and then copy/paste the wikitext. I'm afraid that while I have the technical access to import this tool, I do not have the technical expertise. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 02:37, 4 May 2021 (UTC)
::Alright, thanks. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 12:31, 4 May 2021 (UTC)

== A Swallow Is Back ==

Reviewing the newly archived application page, reading your thoughtful comment, a proverb his me: one swallow does not a summer make. Instead of lengthy requesting comment of mine, I'd have liked to cite it from ''Nicomachean Ethics''.  Thank you for reminding me on that line, however, it's my great regret I then forgot it completely :(  Apparently I need more rehabilitation. --[[User:Aphaia|Aphaia]] ([[User talk:Aphaia|talk]]) 14:56, 5 September 2021 (UTC)
:No worries. Try hard. Do well. That's all that is expected of any of us. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:28, 5 September 2021 (UTC)

== New user needs help ==

Hi
I am new on Wikiquotes and I need help navigating through the platform. I need someone to teach me a few things. Do you think you can help?
I am an experienced Wikipedia editor and I am confident i learn pretty fast. 
 
P.S I am think of a online meeting on Zoom or Google meet. I just need to know the basics e.g notability. [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] ([[User talk:Prithee P|talk]]) 10:45, 19 September 2021 (UTC)
: We actually have our own standard, which is [[WQ:QUOTABILITY]], rather than notability. Of course, a highly notable person is more likely to be quotable (and it would require unusual circumstances for us to include quotes from someone not notable enough to merit a Wikipedia article). [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 19:22, 19 September 2021 (UTC)
:: An online meeting can be a good idea, last year we already did [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mu36KlVmY-o something] like this on the Italian Wikiquote. --[[User:Spinoziano|Spinoziano]] ([[User talk:Spinoziano|talk]]) 06:22, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
:::Could be a cool idea if there's enough interest. Maybe even a quarterly or monthly thing. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:38, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
::::Yes, I know that [[User:Superchilum|Superchilum]] and [[User:Camelia.boban|Camelia.boban]] wanted to do it in English too, and this year I am willing to appear too. If we repeat [[m:Wiki Loves Women/SheSaid|SheSaid]] next month, I hope it might be of interest to [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] too. --[[User:Spinoziano|Spinoziano]] ([[User talk:Spinoziano|talk]]) 14:33, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
:::::Yes, we will repeat #SheSaid next month, so I'am available for a online meeting. Here is the webinar we did with WikiDonne ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BeHTpFVYdOw&amp;ab_channel=WikipediaWeekly in English], &amp; [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mu36KlVmY-o&amp;t=980s&amp;ab_channel=WikiDonne in Italian]). --[[User:Camelia.boban|Camelia.boban]] ([[User talk:Camelia.boban|talk]]) 15:50, 20 September 2021 (UTC)

Thank you all for your responses. {{reply to|Spinoziano}}, I know about the #Shesaid project and I am interested. I can run one here in my  country. We can recruit new editors to Wiki quotes especially people interested in bridging the gender gap. 
{{replyto|Camelia.boban}} I have sent you a message on IG. Hope that is fine? I will also send you an email. I will looking forward to the online meeting. Thank you.
P.s Thank you for adding the video link.  [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] ([[User talk:Prithee P|talk]]) 00:10, 22 September 2021 (UTC)

:Hi! Thank you for involving me :-) unfortunately in November I will  go to an expedition to Antarctica until the end of February, so I will not be available. I can help with some stuff until my departure, but not so much since I have a lot of things to deal with :-) anyway, if you need anything, try to ask me and I'll do what I can. Bye! --[[User:Superchilum|Superchilum]] ([[User talk:Superchilum|talk]]) 06:33, 26 September 2021 (UTC)

== covid vaccine / miscarriage ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}}

What is your opinion of
this edit: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Miscarriage&amp;diff=3007642&amp;oldid=2933410

Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 16:00, 27 September 2021 (UTC)
:{{re|Ottawahitech}} It looks like a fairly poor quality source from a non notable writer, that takes a study saying &quot;we find no adverse effects&quot; and then figuring out how to do their own amateur math to reach the opposite conclusion of the study itself. Besides that, it's not particularly pithy or quotable. It's just a statistic, even if it wasn't an apparently badly calculated one. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:44, 29 September 2021 (UTC)

== COVID-19 vaccine ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}}

The article [[COVID-19 vaccine]] has gotten a few updates with souces I am not familiar with on October 8. Can you please check if the edits are legitimate?
Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 20:43, 9 October 2021 (UTC)
* Just looking it over, still looks like it could use quite a bit of cleanup. Still quotes that are really just bare statistics. Quotes to quite low quality sources. Vox Populi, which seems to just be a personal blog. Substack, which is pretty much just a blog also. Direct quotes from Twitter, some by apparently non-notable people, others that can't be described as a quote at all, like Jimmy Wales just sharing a link. Sputnik, which is really just a state propaganda outlet. Some over quoting, like paragraphs of quotes from Nature.
: I haven't looked to sort of exactly who added what, but it's probably safe to say a fair bit of content has been added to prove a point, and not for being high quality quotations from notable people or works. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:11, 10 October 2021 (UTC)

== Category Activist stubs question ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}},

On 6 January 2019 you created a [[:Category:Activists stubs]] which currently has only two pages in it, even though  [[:Category:Category:Activist stubs]] had been in existence for two years.  Just wondering if this was an oversight or something deeper? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 13:47, 26 October 2021 (UTC)
:Probably just a typo on my part. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:04, 27 October 2021 (UTC)

== How we will see unregistered users ==

&lt;section begin=content/&gt;
Hi!

You get this message because you are an admin on a Wikimedia wiki.

When someone edits a Wikimedia wiki without being logged in today, we show their IP address. As you may already know, we will not be able to do this in the future. This is a decision by the Wikimedia Foundation Legal department, because norms and regulations for privacy online have changed.

Instead of the IP we will show a masked identity. You as an admin '''will still be able to access the IP'''. There will also be a new user right for those who need to see the full IPs of unregistered users to fight vandalism, harassment and spam without being admins. Patrollers will also see part of the IP even without this user right. We are also working on [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation/Improving tools|better tools]] to help.

If you have not seen it before, you can [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation|read more on Meta]]. If you want to make sure you don’t miss technical changes on the Wikimedia wikis, you can [[m:Global message delivery/Targets/Tech ambassadors|subscribe]] to [[m:Tech/News|the weekly technical newsletter]].

We have [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation#IP Masking Implementation Approaches (FAQ)|two suggested ways]] this identity could work. '''We would appreciate your feedback''' on which way you think would work best for you and your wiki, now and in the future. You can [[m:Talk:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation|let us know on the talk page]]. You can write in your language. The suggestions were posted in October and we will decide after 17 January.

Thank you. 
/[[m:User:Johan (WMF)|Johan (WMF)]]&lt;section end=content/&gt;

18:14, 4 January 2022 (UTC)
&lt;!-- Message sent by User:Johan (WMF)@metawiki using the list at https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=User:Johan_(WMF)/Target_lists/Admins2022(3)&amp;oldid=22532499 --&gt;

== [[Game of Death/The Game of Death]] ==

GreenMeansGo and 
[[Wikidata:Q20202630|wikidata?]]
You deleted the page but could you solve the problem? Thank you [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 12:05, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
* I don't understand what the problem is you're trying to solve. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:09, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*:Hi GMG, on [[Wikidata:Q854576|Wikidata Game of Death (1978)]] there is [[w:en:Game of Death|Wikipedia (Game of Death film 1978)]] and [[Game of Death|Dialogue]] but [[w:simple:The Game of Death|The Game of Death (1972)]] there aren't [[Game of Death#1972|Dialogue]] on [[wikidata:Q20202630|Wikidata The Game of Death (1972)]]. Can you help me please? 15:47, 12 January 2022 (UTC) [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 15:47, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*::You can always create an article on Wikiquote for [[The Game of Death (1972)]]. I'm afraid I don't read or speak Cantonese. So I'm not sure how much help I can be other than that. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:27, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::No Cantonese but on English. Ok I go [[The Game of Death (1972)]]. Thank you very much! [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 16:39, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::Dear GMG Can you help me? I would like to incorporate [https://incubator.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wq/yue/%E6%AD%BB%E4%BA%A1%E7%9A%84%E9%81%8A%E6%88%B2 this page] into [[Wikidata:Q20202630|this wikidata]] [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 09:35, 20 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::::Incubator is kind of a testing ground or sandbox, and as far as I know, isn't supported by Wikidata. It's meant to be an internal project and not something for public consumption. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:14, 21 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::::Ok Thank you [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 18:33, 21 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::Hello GreenMeansGo, I'm sorry to bother you but I have a problem [[User talk:UDScott##External links (The Game of Death)|here]] with the User UDScott. I am very helpful but he is always full of doubts, could you help him? Please! [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 23:13, 31 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::::::Please! please! please! help me with the User UDScott [[User talk:UDScott##External links (The Game of Death)|here]] [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 17:18, 1 February 2022 (UTC)
* I'm not sure how much help I can be here in a detailed dispute. I don't speak the language. I don't know that we have anyone at all who is active on this project who does speak the language. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:58, 2 February 2022 (UTC)

*:[[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] is an incomplete Hong Kong martial arts film, filmed between August and October 1972, directed, written, produced by and starring [[Bruce Lee]], in his final film project. Lee died during the making of the film.  During filming, Lee received an offer to star in [[Enter the Dragon]]. Lee died of cerebral edema before the film's release. At the time of his death, he had made plans to resume the filming of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. In 1973 some fragments were shown exclusively within the documentary [[Bruce Lee: the Mand and the Legend]]. After Lee's death, Enter the Dragon director Robert Clouse was enlisted to finish the film using two stand-ins; it was released in 1978 as [[Game of Death]], five years after Lee's death, by Golden Harvest. The 1978 film's plot was altered to a revenge story. In 1978 the Golden Harvest has released [[Game of Death]] (and sequel [[Game of Death II]] in 1981). The 1978 version uses portions of the original footage married to an entirely [[w:Game of Death#Game of Death (1978)|new plot]]. The revised version of the film uses only 11 minutes and 7 seconds of the footage from the original [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. Several years later, Bruce Lee historian John Little released [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]], a documentary revealing the original footage and storyline of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. The documentary also includes a fairly in-depth biography of Lee and leads into the filming of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. Five years after Bruce Lee's death in 1973, Golden Harvest used about 11 minutes of Lee's uncompleted original footage intended by him to become the film &quot;[[Game of Death]]&quot;, completing the rest of their 1978 film using Lee look-a-likes. Twenty-three more minutes of Lee's original footage were considered lost for 28 years, until they were discovered by Bey Logan in 1999. John Little assembled these parts according to Lee's script notes, reflecting more accurately Lee's intentions. In 2000 it was directed the short film [[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]]. The movie is the storyline ([[w:simple:The Game of Death#Plot|Plot]])for [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] and the missing part of Bruce Lee's [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]], '''not played in 1972'''. ([[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]] is also a prequel and sequel of [[Game of Death Redux]]). Directed in South Korea by John Little, distributed as a special feature in DVD of the documentary [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]]. In 2000, the Japanese film [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi|Bruce Lee in G.O.D 死亡的遊戯]] was released on DVD. This film shows Lee's original vision of the film through the existing footage that was shot for the film before he died (= [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] of [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]]), interviews, and historical re-enactments of what went on behind the scenes. On 2019 producer Alan Canvan edited [[Game of Death Redux]], edit only uses footage shot during the original production of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. The film was released as a special feature in The Criterion Collection's Blu-ray box set of Bruce Lee films, on July 14, 2020. [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 23:58, 2 February 2022 (UTC)
*:: Inside the documentary [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]] there is [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside the documentary [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi]] there is [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside [[Game of Death Redux]] there is only [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside [[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]] there is only original script and the party not played in 1972&lt;br&gt;1972 Original footage of [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]] = 1972 Original footage of [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi]] = [[Game of Death Redux]] (only small differences)&lt;br&gt;[[The Story (2000 film)]] + [[Game of Death Redux]] = [[The Game of Death (1972)]]&lt;br&gt;[[Game of Death|Game of Death (1978 film)]] only 11 minutes and 7 seconds [[The Game of Death (1972)]] but plot and dialogue different [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]]

*::: Do you understand ? [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 08:57, 3 February 2022 (UTC)

== RfA close ==

I have no objection to your closing the discussion, but I did have an eye on it to do so today. [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 06:58, 2 March 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|BD2412}} Sorry if I got in your way. I just know we've had quite a few in the past that have languished for a bit. Given the level of disruption around this one in particular, it seemed prudent to wrap things up. I didn't expect much objection given that only one regular user opposed. But if you think it will be wiser, please feel free to reclose as someone completely uninvolved.
: Maybe it's not a bad idea to draw lots and assign one of us to sit out an RfA and be the designated closer. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:45, 2 March 2022 (UTC)
:: I don't think it's an issue, but I went ahead and reclosed just to avoid any question. Cheers! [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 20:16, 2 March 2022 (UTC)

== Template:Trusted List ==

The page was not a test page, can you please reinstate it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:25, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Ilovemydoodle}} You are free to keep personal lists in your user space, as you have created already. However, these are not appropriate for public-facing [[:w:Wikipedia:Namespace|name spaces]] like template space. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:29, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*:Then, can you please give me the source of the deleted page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:31, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*::It is the same as the list on your user page that you can access by clicking the hyperlink on your name. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:33, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::The list on my name used that template and no longer works now that that page was deleted. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:36, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*::::@[[User:Koavf|Koavf]] Could you give me the source of that page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 02:06, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::* [[User:UDScott|UDScott]]
*:::::* [[User:ShakespeareFan00|ShakespeareFan00]]
*:::::* [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]]
*:::::* [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]]
*:::::* [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]]
*:::::* [[User:Koavf|Koavf]]
*:::::* [[User:Ferien|Ferien]]
*:::::* [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:10, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::*:yes, interesting..
*:::::*:The way the system here is designed is to have templates in the public part of the wiki, and btw, thanks GMG for clarifying that at WQ users can put their own private thoughts on userspace. It is a shame though that we cannot use template, category and what-have-you technology also into userspace [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:16, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::*::Well, you can use Templates in user space via transclusion. — [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:17, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::It's generally just a commonly recognized divide across projects. It can be confusing for readers if we unexpectedly delve them into internal dialogue. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:02, 18 May 2022 (UTC)

== Hey there! ==

Why did you delete my page, I created how the article says &quot;what if 2020 was a person?&quot; I added many details, but somehow, you deleted it for no reason. Thank you if you explain this. --[[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 18:17, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:Hey anon. Wikiquote only hosts pages on subjects that are considered notable, usually meaning that they have been widely covered in published sources. Often a good measure of this is whether they have an article over on Wikipedia. It seems highly doubtful that the question of &quot;what if 2020 was a person&quot; has been the subject of significant published sources, and one-off references to YouTube videos don't really count toward that. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 18:55, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::Oh, the text isn't real, I added information that &quot;what if 2020 was a person&quot; I made the information by myself, and since there are no reliable sources, I used links and blog posts to support hose sources. Apologies, but my article I created was not meant to be taken seriously, it was made humorous and too entertaining ￼. I inserted fun into those edits to entertain the readers and viewers. And I added trivia and different plots in order to use imagination. Thank you! [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 18:59, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:::We also don't host original content purely for entertainment purposes. I'm afraid you will have to keep that to social media, blogs and the like. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:03, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::::Can you explain why this wiki not host original content for entertainment purposes? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 19:07, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::It's just isn't within the established scope of the project. We're intended to be a collection of educationally useful quotes on broadly important subjects. It's a bit like asking why Instagram isn't for sharing software and short stories. It just isn't. There are places beside Instagram which are for those other things. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:13, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::Also, why Wikiquotes aren't a crystal ball? What if 2020 came to your house? What would you do? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 15:48, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::It did come to my house. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:52, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Explain why it is not a crystal ball? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 16:01, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Because you can't cite sources that don't yet exist. It's a reference to fortune telling. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:31, 1 June 2022 (UTC)

== Admin accountability poll ==

[[File:Information.svg|25x25px]] Admin accountability poll is open, vote [[Wikiquote:Admin accountability poll|here]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:05, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Block backlog ==

{{ping|GreenMeansGo}} Could you please fix the backlog of block requests? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:38, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* ? [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:41, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== WQT ==

Could you please make WQT a namespace? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:01, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* Namespaces are part of the software. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:46, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Could you ask on Phab? (I can't for complicated reasons). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:47, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Why? Even if I did, it would probably be ignored because there doesn't seem to be any justification for the request. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:51, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::It’s very useful for shortcuts. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:52, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::That's not really a justification. The volunteers on Phab are not going to commit to creating an entirely new namespace so a few users on a small project can occasionally save a few keystrokes. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:54, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::Why can’t it be added just for Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:55, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::It doesn't really matter one way or the other. Making some redirects isn't a justification for creating an entirely new namespace. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:01, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::Well, WP exists on Wikipedia and WQ exists on Wikiquote. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:04, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::::&quot;WP&quot; isn't a namespace. It's a [https://www.mediawiki.org/wiki/Manual:$wgNamespaceAliases namespace alias]. The Wikiquote talk namespace exists. That's why you can access [[Wikiquote talk:Administrators' noticeboard]]. Talk spaces are automatically created for all namespaces other than...ummm...virtual spaces like Special. Aliases are just...kindof like project wide automatic redirects. But project talk space here is so exceedingly rarely used it would take decades to recoup the effort put into getting someone to make a project talk alias. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:17, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::::I would like &quot;WQT:&quot; to be an alias for &quot;Template:&quot;. - [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:23, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* Honestly, I'm not really concerned about that either. There's something like 150 templates on the entire project. Feel free to go ask, but I don't think anyone on Phab is going to care. They're going to tell you the same thing I'm going to tell you: Even much larger projects like Wikipedia and Commons don't have a template space alias, and it's not worth implementing for the half dozen people here who might actually eventually use it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:32, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Only 150 Templates, really? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:00, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Probably around about that which are regularly used. There's 170 in [[:Category:Templates without documentation]], but for some, it's anybody's guess what they're even supposed to do. If you don't count the 80 or so stub templates, probably half the existing templates could be deleted and nobody would even notice. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:58, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::Wait, according to the statistics page I have imported ~200 Templates from Wikipedia, does that mean I have created the majority of them? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:28, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::Well...I'm doing a bit of back-of-the-envelope guess-timation on just how many of these templates were made by someone once a decade ago and no one on the project even knows they exist. AKA not templates that would actually benefit from a namespace alias. I'm also discounting — as I indicated — about 80 stub templates, because I don't think anyone has those memorized, and they're probably doing like I do, and just going to the category to find the right one. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:03, 6 June 2022 (UTC)

== 2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 ==

{{closed|name=2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156|text=
2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 should be blocked, but three months seems excessive. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:37, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
* Three days. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:38, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Oh, sorry I misread it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:39, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
}}

== 2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 ==

Should you block ::/64? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:47, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
* Are you referring to 2a02:c7d:ec4a:cd00:7147:9a9c:2586:54ca? God no, even if it was problematic. That's not a /64, it's a /16...so...like 5x10&lt;sup&gt;30&lt;/sup&gt; IP addresses. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:20, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:&lt;s&gt;???&lt;/s&gt; I’m not, I thought you were just meant to do ::/64 in general. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:27, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Sigh. You don't need a range block unless someone is hopping IP addresses. So...Imagine someone is riding on a high speed train and every few minutes they jump cell phone towers and change IP address. So you put the addresses into a calculator to get the range, but it blocks everything between the addresses. So you have to be careful how big it is. There have been times in the past on other projects where someone accidentally blocked like an entire cell phone provider for an entire country because they weren't paying close attention. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:32, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::[[w:User:TonyBallioni/Just block the /64]] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:37, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::As it happens, Tony taught me quite a bit of what I know about range blocks. But no, I don't do range blocks as a matter of course, not even on Commons, and this is a much smaller project with much less traffic. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:45, 6 June 2022 (UTC)

== Mario and Sonic Adventures 4: Leyend of the of the Abominable Snowman ==

Can I see the revision history of the page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:35, 7 June 2022 (UTC)
* No. It's just one of our old friends. Probably a bored child on summer vacation. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:36, 7 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Can you tell me who created the page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:37, 7 June 2022 (UTC)

== Stuartjack479 ==

I think permanent block is too long, maybe three months? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:47, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
* It's a bot. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:59, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Oh. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:26, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
*::[https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Special:CentralAuth?target=Stuartjack479 Yup.] [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:37, 10 June 2022 (UTC)

== Uaeclt ==

Did you get pinged to that page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:10, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
* No. And if you're getting at what I think you're getting at, I'm not entirely too keen on being pinged every time someone drops a deletion template. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:11, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Not a deletion Template, just block request Template that should only be used if the user is being VERY diruptive. — [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:13, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*::We generally use things like categories for stuff like that. So someone can pop in, check a maintenance category, and clean it out of they have time. If I'm trying to resolve something at [[:c:Commons:Administrators' noticeboard]] and I'm getting 15 pings from templates on Wikiquote, I'm not going to be a happy camper. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:05, 21 June 2022 (UTC)

== Vandalism in a wiki ==

I have seen several cases of vandalism in this wiki, how can I report it?

'''Regards, Thanks.'''

[[User:Johnysnooww|Johnysnooww]] ([[User talk:Johnysnooww|talk]]) 16:05, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Johnysnooww}} You have only worked on a single page. The article has been nominated for deletion. At the conclusion of the discussion, an administrator will assess the community consensus.
Please do not remove the template for the discussion, as this notifies members of the community that the discussion is ongoing. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:17, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== Module:Unsubst ==

Hello,

Please could you undelete [[Module:Unsubst]]? It's used in all those clean-up templates that Ilovemydoodle has been copying from wikipedia, so it is now used in hundreds of pages [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:WhatLinksHere/Module:Unsubst&amp;limit=500], which it wasn't when it was nominated for deletion. The deletion has caused &quot;no such module&quot; LUA errors to appear all over over the site, e.g. in [[2022 monkeypox outbreak]]. Thnaks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:43, 26 July 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>m9v6xggxmhirqoob77mkioru6imq17x</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147478</id>
      <parentid>3147474</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T16:46:16Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Module:Unsubst */ re</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="50152" xml:space="preserve">{{notice|This user may have limited availability due to real world events.}}
{| class=&quot;infobox&quot; width=&quot;150&quot;
|- align=&quot;center&quot; 
| [[File:Replacement filing cabinet.svg|40px|Archive]] &lt;br /&gt; '''Archives'''
|- align=&quot;center&quot;
|[[User talk:GreenMeansGo/Archive 1|1]]
|}

==Scrub please==
[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Pizza&amp;oldid=prev&amp;diff=2805914]. [[User:Drmies|Drmies]] ([[User talk:Drmies|talk]]) 16:39, 6 June 2020 (UTC)
:Sorry. I've been in and out. But it looks like someone else took care of it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 01:42, 9 June 2020 (UTC)

== [[Special:Contributions/86.20.54.197]] ==

[[Special:Contributions/86.20.54.197|This user]] clearly is not here to build an encyclopedia. Cheers! [[User:Nadzik|Nadzik]] ([[User talk:Nadzik|talk]]) 14:09, 22 July 2020 (UTC)
:{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:37, 23 July 2020 (UTC)

== Recruitment for WMF study on patrollers ==

Hello GreenMeansGo,

The Wikimedia Foundation is currently conducting a study on how patrollers interact with IP address edits, and what kinds of IP information are most useful to patrollers. I noticed that you're active in anti-vandalism work on English Wikiquote, and would like to invite you to do an interview with us. It should take no longer than 30 minutes. If you're interested, please contact me via email, clo@wikimedia.org. Thank you for your time! [[User:CLo (WMF)|CLo (WMF)]] ([[User talk:CLo (WMF)|talk]]) 16:23, 17 August 2020 (UTC)

== Friendly letter recommodation ==

Hy thr i saw you reviewed my edit im nt angry i'd like to ask for some advice on wikiquote if you would please i wanna do it personal my number is [redacted] can you send me info on that number please [[User:Angie williamz|Angie williamz]] ([[User talk:Angie williamz|talk]]) 02:51, 26 September 2020 (UTC)
:{{ping|Angie williamz}} generally you shouldn't be posting phone numbers publically like that. I have hidden it in the history, and suggest emailing GreenMeansGo using the &quot;Email this user&quot; feature if you want to discuss something privately. --[[User:DannyS712|DannyS712]] ([[User talk:DannyS712|talk]]) 03:21, 26 September 2020 (UTC)

Ok thanks for the advice [[User:Angie williamz|Angie williamz]] ([[User talk:Angie williamz|talk]]) 03:24, 26 September 2020 (UTC)
* I reverted your edit because you changed the text of the tag line for the movie. Quotes are just that. We don't edit them or update them to make them more agreeable. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:39, 26 September 2020 (UTC)

== Block? ==
I don't know what these two users are up to but it's nothing good. Please consider a block: [[Special:Contributions/14.139.153.162]], [[Special:Contributions/Manasvip]], [[Special:Contributions/Ashank07]]. [[User:Praxidicae|Praxidicae]] ([[User talk:Praxidicae|talk]]) 17:54, 6 January 2021 (UTC)
* Look like UDScott has already obliged us. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 17:46, 9 January 2021 (UTC)

== M.Zaid ==

Thanks - that was my inclination as well, but I had already speedy deleted it a couple of times and wanted at least someone neutral to look at it. Thanks for pulling the trigger. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:29, 31 March 2021 (UTC)
:I'm glad you agree. It at least made intuitive sense to me. If I made a mainspace page for GreenMeansGo including all my favorite quotes from Mick Jagger, it would kindof seem to make sense that &quot;no quote&quot; means no quotes specifically from the subject of the article. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:34, 31 March 2021 (UTC)

== Swati Maliwal ==

Hello, I saw you deleted this page [[Swati Maliwal]]. I was looking for her quotes over the internet. This was my first page on Wikiquotes. I am supposed to make mistakes. But, at least you should've waited for a day. I didn't know how to move it to Draftspace or to userspace as we can do so on Wikipedia. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 12:54, 21 April 2021 (UTC)
:Hey {{ping|Lightbluerain}}. It's perfectly fine to have works in progress, but new pages should include at least one quote. If you're having difficulty finding at least a single sourceable quote, then the subject may not be appropriate for a Wikiquote article. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:49, 21 April 2021 (UTC)
::She is a very notable personality in India. Check her Wikipedia Page. I just being new don't know what type of Quotes? What type of references, etc.? would go. That's why I was taking time. Should I make the page again now? [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:19, 25 April 2021 (UTC)
:::{{re|Lightbluerain}} You're more than welcome to make a page. It's just a standard that has been adopted over time that we ought to be prepared with at least one sourced quote before we do so. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:02, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
::::Alright, thanks. I'll take care from now on. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 19:32, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
:::::{{re|Lightbluerain}} I'll be travelling internationally for the next little bit, but if I can ever be of any help at all feel free to stop by. I may not be prompt, but I'll be happy to help any way I can. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 21:38, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
::::::Thanks a lot. Sure.[[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:31, 28 April 2021 (UTC)

== YouTube ==

Hello, why can we not use YouTube links in sources? They give good source for statements, like the TEDx Talks and news reports.  Also, is there any tool to add sources here as we have on Wikipedia? I can't find it; I doubt the source format I am currently using. Thanks in advance. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:43, 3 May 2021 (UTC)
* {{re|Lightbluerain}} We generally don't allow primary sources for quotes about living people, as it allows...''a great deal of leeway'' for individual editors to selectively quote things that happen to fit their particular point of view, especially when these are taken out of context. Personally, on any topic, I tend to add quotes ''as they are quoted'' in secondary sources, like newspapers, books or magazines. It kindof takes you as an individual out of the equation. Somebody already quoted it exactly as you are quoting it. We're not (at least in my opinion) really supposed to be creating anything. We're just curating and organizing it.
: As to the sourcing tool, no. We do not currently have that imported to this project. I normally open my sandbox on Wikipedia, use the tool, and then copy/paste the wikitext. I'm afraid that while I have the technical access to import this tool, I do not have the technical expertise. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 02:37, 4 May 2021 (UTC)
::Alright, thanks. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 12:31, 4 May 2021 (UTC)

== A Swallow Is Back ==

Reviewing the newly archived application page, reading your thoughtful comment, a proverb his me: one swallow does not a summer make. Instead of lengthy requesting comment of mine, I'd have liked to cite it from ''Nicomachean Ethics''.  Thank you for reminding me on that line, however, it's my great regret I then forgot it completely :(  Apparently I need more rehabilitation. --[[User:Aphaia|Aphaia]] ([[User talk:Aphaia|talk]]) 14:56, 5 September 2021 (UTC)
:No worries. Try hard. Do well. That's all that is expected of any of us. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:28, 5 September 2021 (UTC)

== New user needs help ==

Hi
I am new on Wikiquotes and I need help navigating through the platform. I need someone to teach me a few things. Do you think you can help?
I am an experienced Wikipedia editor and I am confident i learn pretty fast. 
 
P.S I am think of a online meeting on Zoom or Google meet. I just need to know the basics e.g notability. [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] ([[User talk:Prithee P|talk]]) 10:45, 19 September 2021 (UTC)
: We actually have our own standard, which is [[WQ:QUOTABILITY]], rather than notability. Of course, a highly notable person is more likely to be quotable (and it would require unusual circumstances for us to include quotes from someone not notable enough to merit a Wikipedia article). [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 19:22, 19 September 2021 (UTC)
:: An online meeting can be a good idea, last year we already did [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mu36KlVmY-o something] like this on the Italian Wikiquote. --[[User:Spinoziano|Spinoziano]] ([[User talk:Spinoziano|talk]]) 06:22, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
:::Could be a cool idea if there's enough interest. Maybe even a quarterly or monthly thing. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:38, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
::::Yes, I know that [[User:Superchilum|Superchilum]] and [[User:Camelia.boban|Camelia.boban]] wanted to do it in English too, and this year I am willing to appear too. If we repeat [[m:Wiki Loves Women/SheSaid|SheSaid]] next month, I hope it might be of interest to [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] too. --[[User:Spinoziano|Spinoziano]] ([[User talk:Spinoziano|talk]]) 14:33, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
:::::Yes, we will repeat #SheSaid next month, so I'am available for a online meeting. Here is the webinar we did with WikiDonne ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BeHTpFVYdOw&amp;ab_channel=WikipediaWeekly in English], &amp; [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mu36KlVmY-o&amp;t=980s&amp;ab_channel=WikiDonne in Italian]). --[[User:Camelia.boban|Camelia.boban]] ([[User talk:Camelia.boban|talk]]) 15:50, 20 September 2021 (UTC)

Thank you all for your responses. {{reply to|Spinoziano}}, I know about the #Shesaid project and I am interested. I can run one here in my  country. We can recruit new editors to Wiki quotes especially people interested in bridging the gender gap. 
{{replyto|Camelia.boban}} I have sent you a message on IG. Hope that is fine? I will also send you an email. I will looking forward to the online meeting. Thank you.
P.s Thank you for adding the video link.  [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] ([[User talk:Prithee P|talk]]) 00:10, 22 September 2021 (UTC)

:Hi! Thank you for involving me :-) unfortunately in November I will  go to an expedition to Antarctica until the end of February, so I will not be available. I can help with some stuff until my departure, but not so much since I have a lot of things to deal with :-) anyway, if you need anything, try to ask me and I'll do what I can. Bye! --[[User:Superchilum|Superchilum]] ([[User talk:Superchilum|talk]]) 06:33, 26 September 2021 (UTC)

== covid vaccine / miscarriage ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}}

What is your opinion of
this edit: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Miscarriage&amp;diff=3007642&amp;oldid=2933410

Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 16:00, 27 September 2021 (UTC)
:{{re|Ottawahitech}} It looks like a fairly poor quality source from a non notable writer, that takes a study saying &quot;we find no adverse effects&quot; and then figuring out how to do their own amateur math to reach the opposite conclusion of the study itself. Besides that, it's not particularly pithy or quotable. It's just a statistic, even if it wasn't an apparently badly calculated one. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:44, 29 September 2021 (UTC)

== COVID-19 vaccine ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}}

The article [[COVID-19 vaccine]] has gotten a few updates with souces I am not familiar with on October 8. Can you please check if the edits are legitimate?
Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 20:43, 9 October 2021 (UTC)
* Just looking it over, still looks like it could use quite a bit of cleanup. Still quotes that are really just bare statistics. Quotes to quite low quality sources. Vox Populi, which seems to just be a personal blog. Substack, which is pretty much just a blog also. Direct quotes from Twitter, some by apparently non-notable people, others that can't be described as a quote at all, like Jimmy Wales just sharing a link. Sputnik, which is really just a state propaganda outlet. Some over quoting, like paragraphs of quotes from Nature.
: I haven't looked to sort of exactly who added what, but it's probably safe to say a fair bit of content has been added to prove a point, and not for being high quality quotations from notable people or works. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:11, 10 October 2021 (UTC)

== Category Activist stubs question ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}},

On 6 January 2019 you created a [[:Category:Activists stubs]] which currently has only two pages in it, even though  [[:Category:Category:Activist stubs]] had been in existence for two years.  Just wondering if this was an oversight or something deeper? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 13:47, 26 October 2021 (UTC)
:Probably just a typo on my part. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:04, 27 October 2021 (UTC)

== How we will see unregistered users ==

&lt;section begin=content/&gt;
Hi!

You get this message because you are an admin on a Wikimedia wiki.

When someone edits a Wikimedia wiki without being logged in today, we show their IP address. As you may already know, we will not be able to do this in the future. This is a decision by the Wikimedia Foundation Legal department, because norms and regulations for privacy online have changed.

Instead of the IP we will show a masked identity. You as an admin '''will still be able to access the IP'''. There will also be a new user right for those who need to see the full IPs of unregistered users to fight vandalism, harassment and spam without being admins. Patrollers will also see part of the IP even without this user right. We are also working on [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation/Improving tools|better tools]] to help.

If you have not seen it before, you can [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation|read more on Meta]]. If you want to make sure you don’t miss technical changes on the Wikimedia wikis, you can [[m:Global message delivery/Targets/Tech ambassadors|subscribe]] to [[m:Tech/News|the weekly technical newsletter]].

We have [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation#IP Masking Implementation Approaches (FAQ)|two suggested ways]] this identity could work. '''We would appreciate your feedback''' on which way you think would work best for you and your wiki, now and in the future. You can [[m:Talk:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation|let us know on the talk page]]. You can write in your language. The suggestions were posted in October and we will decide after 17 January.

Thank you. 
/[[m:User:Johan (WMF)|Johan (WMF)]]&lt;section end=content/&gt;

18:14, 4 January 2022 (UTC)
&lt;!-- Message sent by User:Johan (WMF)@metawiki using the list at https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=User:Johan_(WMF)/Target_lists/Admins2022(3)&amp;oldid=22532499 --&gt;

== [[Game of Death/The Game of Death]] ==

GreenMeansGo and 
[[Wikidata:Q20202630|wikidata?]]
You deleted the page but could you solve the problem? Thank you [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 12:05, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
* I don't understand what the problem is you're trying to solve. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:09, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*:Hi GMG, on [[Wikidata:Q854576|Wikidata Game of Death (1978)]] there is [[w:en:Game of Death|Wikipedia (Game of Death film 1978)]] and [[Game of Death|Dialogue]] but [[w:simple:The Game of Death|The Game of Death (1972)]] there aren't [[Game of Death#1972|Dialogue]] on [[wikidata:Q20202630|Wikidata The Game of Death (1972)]]. Can you help me please? 15:47, 12 January 2022 (UTC) [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 15:47, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*::You can always create an article on Wikiquote for [[The Game of Death (1972)]]. I'm afraid I don't read or speak Cantonese. So I'm not sure how much help I can be other than that. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:27, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::No Cantonese but on English. Ok I go [[The Game of Death (1972)]]. Thank you very much! [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 16:39, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::Dear GMG Can you help me? I would like to incorporate [https://incubator.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wq/yue/%E6%AD%BB%E4%BA%A1%E7%9A%84%E9%81%8A%E6%88%B2 this page] into [[Wikidata:Q20202630|this wikidata]] [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 09:35, 20 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::::Incubator is kind of a testing ground or sandbox, and as far as I know, isn't supported by Wikidata. It's meant to be an internal project and not something for public consumption. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:14, 21 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::::Ok Thank you [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 18:33, 21 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::Hello GreenMeansGo, I'm sorry to bother you but I have a problem [[User talk:UDScott##External links (The Game of Death)|here]] with the User UDScott. I am very helpful but he is always full of doubts, could you help him? Please! [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 23:13, 31 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::::::Please! please! please! help me with the User UDScott [[User talk:UDScott##External links (The Game of Death)|here]] [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 17:18, 1 February 2022 (UTC)
* I'm not sure how much help I can be here in a detailed dispute. I don't speak the language. I don't know that we have anyone at all who is active on this project who does speak the language. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:58, 2 February 2022 (UTC)

*:[[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] is an incomplete Hong Kong martial arts film, filmed between August and October 1972, directed, written, produced by and starring [[Bruce Lee]], in his final film project. Lee died during the making of the film.  During filming, Lee received an offer to star in [[Enter the Dragon]]. Lee died of cerebral edema before the film's release. At the time of his death, he had made plans to resume the filming of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. In 1973 some fragments were shown exclusively within the documentary [[Bruce Lee: the Mand and the Legend]]. After Lee's death, Enter the Dragon director Robert Clouse was enlisted to finish the film using two stand-ins; it was released in 1978 as [[Game of Death]], five years after Lee's death, by Golden Harvest. The 1978 film's plot was altered to a revenge story. In 1978 the Golden Harvest has released [[Game of Death]] (and sequel [[Game of Death II]] in 1981). The 1978 version uses portions of the original footage married to an entirely [[w:Game of Death#Game of Death (1978)|new plot]]. The revised version of the film uses only 11 minutes and 7 seconds of the footage from the original [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. Several years later, Bruce Lee historian John Little released [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]], a documentary revealing the original footage and storyline of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. The documentary also includes a fairly in-depth biography of Lee and leads into the filming of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. Five years after Bruce Lee's death in 1973, Golden Harvest used about 11 minutes of Lee's uncompleted original footage intended by him to become the film &quot;[[Game of Death]]&quot;, completing the rest of their 1978 film using Lee look-a-likes. Twenty-three more minutes of Lee's original footage were considered lost for 28 years, until they were discovered by Bey Logan in 1999. John Little assembled these parts according to Lee's script notes, reflecting more accurately Lee's intentions. In 2000 it was directed the short film [[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]]. The movie is the storyline ([[w:simple:The Game of Death#Plot|Plot]])for [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] and the missing part of Bruce Lee's [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]], '''not played in 1972'''. ([[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]] is also a prequel and sequel of [[Game of Death Redux]]). Directed in South Korea by John Little, distributed as a special feature in DVD of the documentary [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]]. In 2000, the Japanese film [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi|Bruce Lee in G.O.D 死亡的遊戯]] was released on DVD. This film shows Lee's original vision of the film through the existing footage that was shot for the film before he died (= [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] of [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]]), interviews, and historical re-enactments of what went on behind the scenes. On 2019 producer Alan Canvan edited [[Game of Death Redux]], edit only uses footage shot during the original production of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. The film was released as a special feature in The Criterion Collection's Blu-ray box set of Bruce Lee films, on July 14, 2020. [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 23:58, 2 February 2022 (UTC)
*:: Inside the documentary [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]] there is [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside the documentary [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi]] there is [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside [[Game of Death Redux]] there is only [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside [[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]] there is only original script and the party not played in 1972&lt;br&gt;1972 Original footage of [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]] = 1972 Original footage of [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi]] = [[Game of Death Redux]] (only small differences)&lt;br&gt;[[The Story (2000 film)]] + [[Game of Death Redux]] = [[The Game of Death (1972)]]&lt;br&gt;[[Game of Death|Game of Death (1978 film)]] only 11 minutes and 7 seconds [[The Game of Death (1972)]] but plot and dialogue different [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]]

*::: Do you understand ? [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 08:57, 3 February 2022 (UTC)

== RfA close ==

I have no objection to your closing the discussion, but I did have an eye on it to do so today. [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 06:58, 2 March 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|BD2412}} Sorry if I got in your way. I just know we've had quite a few in the past that have languished for a bit. Given the level of disruption around this one in particular, it seemed prudent to wrap things up. I didn't expect much objection given that only one regular user opposed. But if you think it will be wiser, please feel free to reclose as someone completely uninvolved.
: Maybe it's not a bad idea to draw lots and assign one of us to sit out an RfA and be the designated closer. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:45, 2 March 2022 (UTC)
:: I don't think it's an issue, but I went ahead and reclosed just to avoid any question. Cheers! [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 20:16, 2 March 2022 (UTC)

== Template:Trusted List ==

The page was not a test page, can you please reinstate it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:25, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Ilovemydoodle}} You are free to keep personal lists in your user space, as you have created already. However, these are not appropriate for public-facing [[:w:Wikipedia:Namespace|name spaces]] like template space. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:29, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*:Then, can you please give me the source of the deleted page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:31, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*::It is the same as the list on your user page that you can access by clicking the hyperlink on your name. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:33, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::The list on my name used that template and no longer works now that that page was deleted. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:36, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*::::@[[User:Koavf|Koavf]] Could you give me the source of that page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 02:06, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::* [[User:UDScott|UDScott]]
*:::::* [[User:ShakespeareFan00|ShakespeareFan00]]
*:::::* [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]]
*:::::* [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]]
*:::::* [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]]
*:::::* [[User:Koavf|Koavf]]
*:::::* [[User:Ferien|Ferien]]
*:::::* [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:10, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::*:yes, interesting..
*:::::*:The way the system here is designed is to have templates in the public part of the wiki, and btw, thanks GMG for clarifying that at WQ users can put their own private thoughts on userspace. It is a shame though that we cannot use template, category and what-have-you technology also into userspace [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:16, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::*::Well, you can use Templates in user space via transclusion. — [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:17, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::It's generally just a commonly recognized divide across projects. It can be confusing for readers if we unexpectedly delve them into internal dialogue. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:02, 18 May 2022 (UTC)

== Hey there! ==

Why did you delete my page, I created how the article says &quot;what if 2020 was a person?&quot; I added many details, but somehow, you deleted it for no reason. Thank you if you explain this. --[[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 18:17, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:Hey anon. Wikiquote only hosts pages on subjects that are considered notable, usually meaning that they have been widely covered in published sources. Often a good measure of this is whether they have an article over on Wikipedia. It seems highly doubtful that the question of &quot;what if 2020 was a person&quot; has been the subject of significant published sources, and one-off references to YouTube videos don't really count toward that. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 18:55, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::Oh, the text isn't real, I added information that &quot;what if 2020 was a person&quot; I made the information by myself, and since there are no reliable sources, I used links and blog posts to support hose sources. Apologies, but my article I created was not meant to be taken seriously, it was made humorous and too entertaining ￼. I inserted fun into those edits to entertain the readers and viewers. And I added trivia and different plots in order to use imagination. Thank you! [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 18:59, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:::We also don't host original content purely for entertainment purposes. I'm afraid you will have to keep that to social media, blogs and the like. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:03, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::::Can you explain why this wiki not host original content for entertainment purposes? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 19:07, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::It's just isn't within the established scope of the project. We're intended to be a collection of educationally useful quotes on broadly important subjects. It's a bit like asking why Instagram isn't for sharing software and short stories. It just isn't. There are places beside Instagram which are for those other things. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:13, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::Also, why Wikiquotes aren't a crystal ball? What if 2020 came to your house? What would you do? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 15:48, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::It did come to my house. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:52, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Explain why it is not a crystal ball? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 16:01, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Because you can't cite sources that don't yet exist. It's a reference to fortune telling. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:31, 1 June 2022 (UTC)

== Admin accountability poll ==

[[File:Information.svg|25x25px]] Admin accountability poll is open, vote [[Wikiquote:Admin accountability poll|here]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:05, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Block backlog ==

{{ping|GreenMeansGo}} Could you please fix the backlog of block requests? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:38, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* ? [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:41, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== WQT ==

Could you please make WQT a namespace? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:01, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* Namespaces are part of the software. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:46, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Could you ask on Phab? (I can't for complicated reasons). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:47, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Why? Even if I did, it would probably be ignored because there doesn't seem to be any justification for the request. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:51, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::It’s very useful for shortcuts. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:52, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::That's not really a justification. The volunteers on Phab are not going to commit to creating an entirely new namespace so a few users on a small project can occasionally save a few keystrokes. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:54, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::Why can’t it be added just for Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:55, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::It doesn't really matter one way or the other. Making some redirects isn't a justification for creating an entirely new namespace. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:01, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::Well, WP exists on Wikipedia and WQ exists on Wikiquote. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:04, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::::&quot;WP&quot; isn't a namespace. It's a [https://www.mediawiki.org/wiki/Manual:$wgNamespaceAliases namespace alias]. The Wikiquote talk namespace exists. That's why you can access [[Wikiquote talk:Administrators' noticeboard]]. Talk spaces are automatically created for all namespaces other than...ummm...virtual spaces like Special. Aliases are just...kindof like project wide automatic redirects. But project talk space here is so exceedingly rarely used it would take decades to recoup the effort put into getting someone to make a project talk alias. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:17, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::::I would like &quot;WQT:&quot; to be an alias for &quot;Template:&quot;. - [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:23, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* Honestly, I'm not really concerned about that either. There's something like 150 templates on the entire project. Feel free to go ask, but I don't think anyone on Phab is going to care. They're going to tell you the same thing I'm going to tell you: Even much larger projects like Wikipedia and Commons don't have a template space alias, and it's not worth implementing for the half dozen people here who might actually eventually use it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:32, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Only 150 Templates, really? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:00, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Probably around about that which are regularly used. There's 170 in [[:Category:Templates without documentation]], but for some, it's anybody's guess what they're even supposed to do. If you don't count the 80 or so stub templates, probably half the existing templates could be deleted and nobody would even notice. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:58, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::Wait, according to the statistics page I have imported ~200 Templates from Wikipedia, does that mean I have created the majority of them? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:28, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::Well...I'm doing a bit of back-of-the-envelope guess-timation on just how many of these templates were made by someone once a decade ago and no one on the project even knows they exist. AKA not templates that would actually benefit from a namespace alias. I'm also discounting — as I indicated — about 80 stub templates, because I don't think anyone has those memorized, and they're probably doing like I do, and just going to the category to find the right one. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:03, 6 June 2022 (UTC)

== 2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 ==

{{closed|name=2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156|text=
2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 should be blocked, but three months seems excessive. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:37, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
* Three days. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:38, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Oh, sorry I misread it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:39, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
}}

== 2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 ==

Should you block ::/64? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:47, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
* Are you referring to 2a02:c7d:ec4a:cd00:7147:9a9c:2586:54ca? God no, even if it was problematic. That's not a /64, it's a /16...so...like 5x10&lt;sup&gt;30&lt;/sup&gt; IP addresses. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:20, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:&lt;s&gt;???&lt;/s&gt; I’m not, I thought you were just meant to do ::/64 in general. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:27, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Sigh. You don't need a range block unless someone is hopping IP addresses. So...Imagine someone is riding on a high speed train and every few minutes they jump cell phone towers and change IP address. So you put the addresses into a calculator to get the range, but it blocks everything between the addresses. So you have to be careful how big it is. There have been times in the past on other projects where someone accidentally blocked like an entire cell phone provider for an entire country because they weren't paying close attention. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:32, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::[[w:User:TonyBallioni/Just block the /64]] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:37, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::As it happens, Tony taught me quite a bit of what I know about range blocks. But no, I don't do range blocks as a matter of course, not even on Commons, and this is a much smaller project with much less traffic. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:45, 6 June 2022 (UTC)

== Mario and Sonic Adventures 4: Leyend of the of the Abominable Snowman ==

Can I see the revision history of the page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:35, 7 June 2022 (UTC)
* No. It's just one of our old friends. Probably a bored child on summer vacation. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:36, 7 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Can you tell me who created the page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:37, 7 June 2022 (UTC)

== Stuartjack479 ==

I think permanent block is too long, maybe three months? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:47, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
* It's a bot. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:59, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Oh. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:26, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
*::[https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Special:CentralAuth?target=Stuartjack479 Yup.] [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:37, 10 June 2022 (UTC)

== Uaeclt ==

Did you get pinged to that page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:10, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
* No. And if you're getting at what I think you're getting at, I'm not entirely too keen on being pinged every time someone drops a deletion template. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:11, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Not a deletion Template, just block request Template that should only be used if the user is being VERY diruptive. — [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:13, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*::We generally use things like categories for stuff like that. So someone can pop in, check a maintenance category, and clean it out of they have time. If I'm trying to resolve something at [[:c:Commons:Administrators' noticeboard]] and I'm getting 15 pings from templates on Wikiquote, I'm not going to be a happy camper. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:05, 21 June 2022 (UTC)

== Vandalism in a wiki ==

I have seen several cases of vandalism in this wiki, how can I report it?

'''Regards, Thanks.'''

[[User:Johnysnooww|Johnysnooww]] ([[User talk:Johnysnooww|talk]]) 16:05, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Johnysnooww}} You have only worked on a single page. The article has been nominated for deletion. At the conclusion of the discussion, an administrator will assess the community consensus.
Please do not remove the template for the discussion, as this notifies members of the community that the discussion is ongoing. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:17, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== Module:Unsubst ==

Hello,

Please could you undelete [[Module:Unsubst]]? It's used in all those clean-up templates that Ilovemydoodle has been copying from wikipedia, so it is now used in hundreds of pages [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:WhatLinksHere/Module:Unsubst&amp;limit=500], which it wasn't when it was nominated for deletion. The deletion has caused &quot;no such module&quot; LUA errors to appear all over over the site, e.g. in [[2022 monkeypox outbreak]]. Thnaks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:43, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
* Don't pretend to know what all that means, but I'll take your word for it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:46, 26 July 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>i1qj6q1q3kv0jsrtx3ru60oy4pwui9t</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147481</id>
      <parentid>3147478</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T16:52:25Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Module:Unsubst */ Reply</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="50682" xml:space="preserve">{{notice|This user may have limited availability due to real world events.}}
{| class=&quot;infobox&quot; width=&quot;150&quot;
|- align=&quot;center&quot; 
| [[File:Replacement filing cabinet.svg|40px|Archive]] &lt;br /&gt; '''Archives'''
|- align=&quot;center&quot;
|[[User talk:GreenMeansGo/Archive 1|1]]
|}

==Scrub please==
[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Pizza&amp;oldid=prev&amp;diff=2805914]. [[User:Drmies|Drmies]] ([[User talk:Drmies|talk]]) 16:39, 6 June 2020 (UTC)
:Sorry. I've been in and out. But it looks like someone else took care of it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 01:42, 9 June 2020 (UTC)

== [[Special:Contributions/86.20.54.197]] ==

[[Special:Contributions/86.20.54.197|This user]] clearly is not here to build an encyclopedia. Cheers! [[User:Nadzik|Nadzik]] ([[User talk:Nadzik|talk]]) 14:09, 22 July 2020 (UTC)
:{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:37, 23 July 2020 (UTC)

== Recruitment for WMF study on patrollers ==

Hello GreenMeansGo,

The Wikimedia Foundation is currently conducting a study on how patrollers interact with IP address edits, and what kinds of IP information are most useful to patrollers. I noticed that you're active in anti-vandalism work on English Wikiquote, and would like to invite you to do an interview with us. It should take no longer than 30 minutes. If you're interested, please contact me via email, clo@wikimedia.org. Thank you for your time! [[User:CLo (WMF)|CLo (WMF)]] ([[User talk:CLo (WMF)|talk]]) 16:23, 17 August 2020 (UTC)

== Friendly letter recommodation ==

Hy thr i saw you reviewed my edit im nt angry i'd like to ask for some advice on wikiquote if you would please i wanna do it personal my number is [redacted] can you send me info on that number please [[User:Angie williamz|Angie williamz]] ([[User talk:Angie williamz|talk]]) 02:51, 26 September 2020 (UTC)
:{{ping|Angie williamz}} generally you shouldn't be posting phone numbers publically like that. I have hidden it in the history, and suggest emailing GreenMeansGo using the &quot;Email this user&quot; feature if you want to discuss something privately. --[[User:DannyS712|DannyS712]] ([[User talk:DannyS712|talk]]) 03:21, 26 September 2020 (UTC)

Ok thanks for the advice [[User:Angie williamz|Angie williamz]] ([[User talk:Angie williamz|talk]]) 03:24, 26 September 2020 (UTC)
* I reverted your edit because you changed the text of the tag line for the movie. Quotes are just that. We don't edit them or update them to make them more agreeable. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:39, 26 September 2020 (UTC)

== Block? ==
I don't know what these two users are up to but it's nothing good. Please consider a block: [[Special:Contributions/14.139.153.162]], [[Special:Contributions/Manasvip]], [[Special:Contributions/Ashank07]]. [[User:Praxidicae|Praxidicae]] ([[User talk:Praxidicae|talk]]) 17:54, 6 January 2021 (UTC)
* Look like UDScott has already obliged us. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 17:46, 9 January 2021 (UTC)

== M.Zaid ==

Thanks - that was my inclination as well, but I had already speedy deleted it a couple of times and wanted at least someone neutral to look at it. Thanks for pulling the trigger. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:29, 31 March 2021 (UTC)
:I'm glad you agree. It at least made intuitive sense to me. If I made a mainspace page for GreenMeansGo including all my favorite quotes from Mick Jagger, it would kindof seem to make sense that &quot;no quote&quot; means no quotes specifically from the subject of the article. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:34, 31 March 2021 (UTC)

== Swati Maliwal ==

Hello, I saw you deleted this page [[Swati Maliwal]]. I was looking for her quotes over the internet. This was my first page on Wikiquotes. I am supposed to make mistakes. But, at least you should've waited for a day. I didn't know how to move it to Draftspace or to userspace as we can do so on Wikipedia. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 12:54, 21 April 2021 (UTC)
:Hey {{ping|Lightbluerain}}. It's perfectly fine to have works in progress, but new pages should include at least one quote. If you're having difficulty finding at least a single sourceable quote, then the subject may not be appropriate for a Wikiquote article. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:49, 21 April 2021 (UTC)
::She is a very notable personality in India. Check her Wikipedia Page. I just being new don't know what type of Quotes? What type of references, etc.? would go. That's why I was taking time. Should I make the page again now? [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:19, 25 April 2021 (UTC)
:::{{re|Lightbluerain}} You're more than welcome to make a page. It's just a standard that has been adopted over time that we ought to be prepared with at least one sourced quote before we do so. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:02, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
::::Alright, thanks. I'll take care from now on. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 19:32, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
:::::{{re|Lightbluerain}} I'll be travelling internationally for the next little bit, but if I can ever be of any help at all feel free to stop by. I may not be prompt, but I'll be happy to help any way I can. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 21:38, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
::::::Thanks a lot. Sure.[[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:31, 28 April 2021 (UTC)

== YouTube ==

Hello, why can we not use YouTube links in sources? They give good source for statements, like the TEDx Talks and news reports.  Also, is there any tool to add sources here as we have on Wikipedia? I can't find it; I doubt the source format I am currently using. Thanks in advance. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:43, 3 May 2021 (UTC)
* {{re|Lightbluerain}} We generally don't allow primary sources for quotes about living people, as it allows...''a great deal of leeway'' for individual editors to selectively quote things that happen to fit their particular point of view, especially when these are taken out of context. Personally, on any topic, I tend to add quotes ''as they are quoted'' in secondary sources, like newspapers, books or magazines. It kindof takes you as an individual out of the equation. Somebody already quoted it exactly as you are quoting it. We're not (at least in my opinion) really supposed to be creating anything. We're just curating and organizing it.
: As to the sourcing tool, no. We do not currently have that imported to this project. I normally open my sandbox on Wikipedia, use the tool, and then copy/paste the wikitext. I'm afraid that while I have the technical access to import this tool, I do not have the technical expertise. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 02:37, 4 May 2021 (UTC)
::Alright, thanks. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 12:31, 4 May 2021 (UTC)

== A Swallow Is Back ==

Reviewing the newly archived application page, reading your thoughtful comment, a proverb his me: one swallow does not a summer make. Instead of lengthy requesting comment of mine, I'd have liked to cite it from ''Nicomachean Ethics''.  Thank you for reminding me on that line, however, it's my great regret I then forgot it completely :(  Apparently I need more rehabilitation. --[[User:Aphaia|Aphaia]] ([[User talk:Aphaia|talk]]) 14:56, 5 September 2021 (UTC)
:No worries. Try hard. Do well. That's all that is expected of any of us. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:28, 5 September 2021 (UTC)

== New user needs help ==

Hi
I am new on Wikiquotes and I need help navigating through the platform. I need someone to teach me a few things. Do you think you can help?
I am an experienced Wikipedia editor and I am confident i learn pretty fast. 
 
P.S I am think of a online meeting on Zoom or Google meet. I just need to know the basics e.g notability. [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] ([[User talk:Prithee P|talk]]) 10:45, 19 September 2021 (UTC)
: We actually have our own standard, which is [[WQ:QUOTABILITY]], rather than notability. Of course, a highly notable person is more likely to be quotable (and it would require unusual circumstances for us to include quotes from someone not notable enough to merit a Wikipedia article). [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 19:22, 19 September 2021 (UTC)
:: An online meeting can be a good idea, last year we already did [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mu36KlVmY-o something] like this on the Italian Wikiquote. --[[User:Spinoziano|Spinoziano]] ([[User talk:Spinoziano|talk]]) 06:22, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
:::Could be a cool idea if there's enough interest. Maybe even a quarterly or monthly thing. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:38, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
::::Yes, I know that [[User:Superchilum|Superchilum]] and [[User:Camelia.boban|Camelia.boban]] wanted to do it in English too, and this year I am willing to appear too. If we repeat [[m:Wiki Loves Women/SheSaid|SheSaid]] next month, I hope it might be of interest to [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] too. --[[User:Spinoziano|Spinoziano]] ([[User talk:Spinoziano|talk]]) 14:33, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
:::::Yes, we will repeat #SheSaid next month, so I'am available for a online meeting. Here is the webinar we did with WikiDonne ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BeHTpFVYdOw&amp;ab_channel=WikipediaWeekly in English], &amp; [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mu36KlVmY-o&amp;t=980s&amp;ab_channel=WikiDonne in Italian]). --[[User:Camelia.boban|Camelia.boban]] ([[User talk:Camelia.boban|talk]]) 15:50, 20 September 2021 (UTC)

Thank you all for your responses. {{reply to|Spinoziano}}, I know about the #Shesaid project and I am interested. I can run one here in my  country. We can recruit new editors to Wiki quotes especially people interested in bridging the gender gap. 
{{replyto|Camelia.boban}} I have sent you a message on IG. Hope that is fine? I will also send you an email. I will looking forward to the online meeting. Thank you.
P.s Thank you for adding the video link.  [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] ([[User talk:Prithee P|talk]]) 00:10, 22 September 2021 (UTC)

:Hi! Thank you for involving me :-) unfortunately in November I will  go to an expedition to Antarctica until the end of February, so I will not be available. I can help with some stuff until my departure, but not so much since I have a lot of things to deal with :-) anyway, if you need anything, try to ask me and I'll do what I can. Bye! --[[User:Superchilum|Superchilum]] ([[User talk:Superchilum|talk]]) 06:33, 26 September 2021 (UTC)

== covid vaccine / miscarriage ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}}

What is your opinion of
this edit: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Miscarriage&amp;diff=3007642&amp;oldid=2933410

Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 16:00, 27 September 2021 (UTC)
:{{re|Ottawahitech}} It looks like a fairly poor quality source from a non notable writer, that takes a study saying &quot;we find no adverse effects&quot; and then figuring out how to do their own amateur math to reach the opposite conclusion of the study itself. Besides that, it's not particularly pithy or quotable. It's just a statistic, even if it wasn't an apparently badly calculated one. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:44, 29 September 2021 (UTC)

== COVID-19 vaccine ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}}

The article [[COVID-19 vaccine]] has gotten a few updates with souces I am not familiar with on October 8. Can you please check if the edits are legitimate?
Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 20:43, 9 October 2021 (UTC)
* Just looking it over, still looks like it could use quite a bit of cleanup. Still quotes that are really just bare statistics. Quotes to quite low quality sources. Vox Populi, which seems to just be a personal blog. Substack, which is pretty much just a blog also. Direct quotes from Twitter, some by apparently non-notable people, others that can't be described as a quote at all, like Jimmy Wales just sharing a link. Sputnik, which is really just a state propaganda outlet. Some over quoting, like paragraphs of quotes from Nature.
: I haven't looked to sort of exactly who added what, but it's probably safe to say a fair bit of content has been added to prove a point, and not for being high quality quotations from notable people or works. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:11, 10 October 2021 (UTC)

== Category Activist stubs question ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}},

On 6 January 2019 you created a [[:Category:Activists stubs]] which currently has only two pages in it, even though  [[:Category:Category:Activist stubs]] had been in existence for two years.  Just wondering if this was an oversight or something deeper? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 13:47, 26 October 2021 (UTC)
:Probably just a typo on my part. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:04, 27 October 2021 (UTC)

== How we will see unregistered users ==

&lt;section begin=content/&gt;
Hi!

You get this message because you are an admin on a Wikimedia wiki.

When someone edits a Wikimedia wiki without being logged in today, we show their IP address. As you may already know, we will not be able to do this in the future. This is a decision by the Wikimedia Foundation Legal department, because norms and regulations for privacy online have changed.

Instead of the IP we will show a masked identity. You as an admin '''will still be able to access the IP'''. There will also be a new user right for those who need to see the full IPs of unregistered users to fight vandalism, harassment and spam without being admins. Patrollers will also see part of the IP even without this user right. We are also working on [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation/Improving tools|better tools]] to help.

If you have not seen it before, you can [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation|read more on Meta]]. If you want to make sure you don’t miss technical changes on the Wikimedia wikis, you can [[m:Global message delivery/Targets/Tech ambassadors|subscribe]] to [[m:Tech/News|the weekly technical newsletter]].

We have [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation#IP Masking Implementation Approaches (FAQ)|two suggested ways]] this identity could work. '''We would appreciate your feedback''' on which way you think would work best for you and your wiki, now and in the future. You can [[m:Talk:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation|let us know on the talk page]]. You can write in your language. The suggestions were posted in October and we will decide after 17 January.

Thank you. 
/[[m:User:Johan (WMF)|Johan (WMF)]]&lt;section end=content/&gt;

18:14, 4 January 2022 (UTC)
&lt;!-- Message sent by User:Johan (WMF)@metawiki using the list at https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=User:Johan_(WMF)/Target_lists/Admins2022(3)&amp;oldid=22532499 --&gt;

== [[Game of Death/The Game of Death]] ==

GreenMeansGo and 
[[Wikidata:Q20202630|wikidata?]]
You deleted the page but could you solve the problem? Thank you [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 12:05, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
* I don't understand what the problem is you're trying to solve. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:09, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*:Hi GMG, on [[Wikidata:Q854576|Wikidata Game of Death (1978)]] there is [[w:en:Game of Death|Wikipedia (Game of Death film 1978)]] and [[Game of Death|Dialogue]] but [[w:simple:The Game of Death|The Game of Death (1972)]] there aren't [[Game of Death#1972|Dialogue]] on [[wikidata:Q20202630|Wikidata The Game of Death (1972)]]. Can you help me please? 15:47, 12 January 2022 (UTC) [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 15:47, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*::You can always create an article on Wikiquote for [[The Game of Death (1972)]]. I'm afraid I don't read or speak Cantonese. So I'm not sure how much help I can be other than that. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:27, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::No Cantonese but on English. Ok I go [[The Game of Death (1972)]]. Thank you very much! [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 16:39, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::Dear GMG Can you help me? I would like to incorporate [https://incubator.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wq/yue/%E6%AD%BB%E4%BA%A1%E7%9A%84%E9%81%8A%E6%88%B2 this page] into [[Wikidata:Q20202630|this wikidata]] [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 09:35, 20 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::::Incubator is kind of a testing ground or sandbox, and as far as I know, isn't supported by Wikidata. It's meant to be an internal project and not something for public consumption. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:14, 21 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::::Ok Thank you [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 18:33, 21 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::Hello GreenMeansGo, I'm sorry to bother you but I have a problem [[User talk:UDScott##External links (The Game of Death)|here]] with the User UDScott. I am very helpful but he is always full of doubts, could you help him? Please! [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 23:13, 31 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::::::Please! please! please! help me with the User UDScott [[User talk:UDScott##External links (The Game of Death)|here]] [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 17:18, 1 February 2022 (UTC)
* I'm not sure how much help I can be here in a detailed dispute. I don't speak the language. I don't know that we have anyone at all who is active on this project who does speak the language. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:58, 2 February 2022 (UTC)

*:[[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] is an incomplete Hong Kong martial arts film, filmed between August and October 1972, directed, written, produced by and starring [[Bruce Lee]], in his final film project. Lee died during the making of the film.  During filming, Lee received an offer to star in [[Enter the Dragon]]. Lee died of cerebral edema before the film's release. At the time of his death, he had made plans to resume the filming of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. In 1973 some fragments were shown exclusively within the documentary [[Bruce Lee: the Mand and the Legend]]. After Lee's death, Enter the Dragon director Robert Clouse was enlisted to finish the film using two stand-ins; it was released in 1978 as [[Game of Death]], five years after Lee's death, by Golden Harvest. The 1978 film's plot was altered to a revenge story. In 1978 the Golden Harvest has released [[Game of Death]] (and sequel [[Game of Death II]] in 1981). The 1978 version uses portions of the original footage married to an entirely [[w:Game of Death#Game of Death (1978)|new plot]]. The revised version of the film uses only 11 minutes and 7 seconds of the footage from the original [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. Several years later, Bruce Lee historian John Little released [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]], a documentary revealing the original footage and storyline of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. The documentary also includes a fairly in-depth biography of Lee and leads into the filming of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. Five years after Bruce Lee's death in 1973, Golden Harvest used about 11 minutes of Lee's uncompleted original footage intended by him to become the film &quot;[[Game of Death]]&quot;, completing the rest of their 1978 film using Lee look-a-likes. Twenty-three more minutes of Lee's original footage were considered lost for 28 years, until they were discovered by Bey Logan in 1999. John Little assembled these parts according to Lee's script notes, reflecting more accurately Lee's intentions. In 2000 it was directed the short film [[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]]. The movie is the storyline ([[w:simple:The Game of Death#Plot|Plot]])for [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] and the missing part of Bruce Lee's [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]], '''not played in 1972'''. ([[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]] is also a prequel and sequel of [[Game of Death Redux]]). Directed in South Korea by John Little, distributed as a special feature in DVD of the documentary [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]]. In 2000, the Japanese film [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi|Bruce Lee in G.O.D 死亡的遊戯]] was released on DVD. This film shows Lee's original vision of the film through the existing footage that was shot for the film before he died (= [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] of [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]]), interviews, and historical re-enactments of what went on behind the scenes. On 2019 producer Alan Canvan edited [[Game of Death Redux]], edit only uses footage shot during the original production of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. The film was released as a special feature in The Criterion Collection's Blu-ray box set of Bruce Lee films, on July 14, 2020. [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 23:58, 2 February 2022 (UTC)
*:: Inside the documentary [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]] there is [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside the documentary [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi]] there is [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside [[Game of Death Redux]] there is only [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside [[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]] there is only original script and the party not played in 1972&lt;br&gt;1972 Original footage of [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]] = 1972 Original footage of [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi]] = [[Game of Death Redux]] (only small differences)&lt;br&gt;[[The Story (2000 film)]] + [[Game of Death Redux]] = [[The Game of Death (1972)]]&lt;br&gt;[[Game of Death|Game of Death (1978 film)]] only 11 minutes and 7 seconds [[The Game of Death (1972)]] but plot and dialogue different [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]]

*::: Do you understand ? [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 08:57, 3 February 2022 (UTC)

== RfA close ==

I have no objection to your closing the discussion, but I did have an eye on it to do so today. [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 06:58, 2 March 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|BD2412}} Sorry if I got in your way. I just know we've had quite a few in the past that have languished for a bit. Given the level of disruption around this one in particular, it seemed prudent to wrap things up. I didn't expect much objection given that only one regular user opposed. But if you think it will be wiser, please feel free to reclose as someone completely uninvolved.
: Maybe it's not a bad idea to draw lots and assign one of us to sit out an RfA and be the designated closer. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:45, 2 March 2022 (UTC)
:: I don't think it's an issue, but I went ahead and reclosed just to avoid any question. Cheers! [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 20:16, 2 March 2022 (UTC)

== Template:Trusted List ==

The page was not a test page, can you please reinstate it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:25, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Ilovemydoodle}} You are free to keep personal lists in your user space, as you have created already. However, these are not appropriate for public-facing [[:w:Wikipedia:Namespace|name spaces]] like template space. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:29, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*:Then, can you please give me the source of the deleted page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:31, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*::It is the same as the list on your user page that you can access by clicking the hyperlink on your name. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:33, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::The list on my name used that template and no longer works now that that page was deleted. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:36, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*::::@[[User:Koavf|Koavf]] Could you give me the source of that page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 02:06, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::* [[User:UDScott|UDScott]]
*:::::* [[User:ShakespeareFan00|ShakespeareFan00]]
*:::::* [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]]
*:::::* [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]]
*:::::* [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]]
*:::::* [[User:Koavf|Koavf]]
*:::::* [[User:Ferien|Ferien]]
*:::::* [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:10, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::*:yes, interesting..
*:::::*:The way the system here is designed is to have templates in the public part of the wiki, and btw, thanks GMG for clarifying that at WQ users can put their own private thoughts on userspace. It is a shame though that we cannot use template, category and what-have-you technology also into userspace [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:16, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::*::Well, you can use Templates in user space via transclusion. — [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:17, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::It's generally just a commonly recognized divide across projects. It can be confusing for readers if we unexpectedly delve them into internal dialogue. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:02, 18 May 2022 (UTC)

== Hey there! ==

Why did you delete my page, I created how the article says &quot;what if 2020 was a person?&quot; I added many details, but somehow, you deleted it for no reason. Thank you if you explain this. --[[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 18:17, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:Hey anon. Wikiquote only hosts pages on subjects that are considered notable, usually meaning that they have been widely covered in published sources. Often a good measure of this is whether they have an article over on Wikipedia. It seems highly doubtful that the question of &quot;what if 2020 was a person&quot; has been the subject of significant published sources, and one-off references to YouTube videos don't really count toward that. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 18:55, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::Oh, the text isn't real, I added information that &quot;what if 2020 was a person&quot; I made the information by myself, and since there are no reliable sources, I used links and blog posts to support hose sources. Apologies, but my article I created was not meant to be taken seriously, it was made humorous and too entertaining ￼. I inserted fun into those edits to entertain the readers and viewers. And I added trivia and different plots in order to use imagination. Thank you! [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 18:59, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:::We also don't host original content purely for entertainment purposes. I'm afraid you will have to keep that to social media, blogs and the like. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:03, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::::Can you explain why this wiki not host original content for entertainment purposes? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 19:07, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::It's just isn't within the established scope of the project. We're intended to be a collection of educationally useful quotes on broadly important subjects. It's a bit like asking why Instagram isn't for sharing software and short stories. It just isn't. There are places beside Instagram which are for those other things. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:13, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::Also, why Wikiquotes aren't a crystal ball? What if 2020 came to your house? What would you do? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 15:48, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::It did come to my house. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:52, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Explain why it is not a crystal ball? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 16:01, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Because you can't cite sources that don't yet exist. It's a reference to fortune telling. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:31, 1 June 2022 (UTC)

== Admin accountability poll ==

[[File:Information.svg|25x25px]] Admin accountability poll is open, vote [[Wikiquote:Admin accountability poll|here]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:05, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Block backlog ==

{{ping|GreenMeansGo}} Could you please fix the backlog of block requests? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:38, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* ? [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:41, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== WQT ==

Could you please make WQT a namespace? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:01, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* Namespaces are part of the software. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:46, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Could you ask on Phab? (I can't for complicated reasons). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:47, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Why? Even if I did, it would probably be ignored because there doesn't seem to be any justification for the request. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:51, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::It’s very useful for shortcuts. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:52, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::That's not really a justification. The volunteers on Phab are not going to commit to creating an entirely new namespace so a few users on a small project can occasionally save a few keystrokes. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:54, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::Why can’t it be added just for Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:55, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::It doesn't really matter one way or the other. Making some redirects isn't a justification for creating an entirely new namespace. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:01, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::Well, WP exists on Wikipedia and WQ exists on Wikiquote. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:04, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::::&quot;WP&quot; isn't a namespace. It's a [https://www.mediawiki.org/wiki/Manual:$wgNamespaceAliases namespace alias]. The Wikiquote talk namespace exists. That's why you can access [[Wikiquote talk:Administrators' noticeboard]]. Talk spaces are automatically created for all namespaces other than...ummm...virtual spaces like Special. Aliases are just...kindof like project wide automatic redirects. But project talk space here is so exceedingly rarely used it would take decades to recoup the effort put into getting someone to make a project talk alias. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:17, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::::I would like &quot;WQT:&quot; to be an alias for &quot;Template:&quot;. - [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:23, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* Honestly, I'm not really concerned about that either. There's something like 150 templates on the entire project. Feel free to go ask, but I don't think anyone on Phab is going to care. They're going to tell you the same thing I'm going to tell you: Even much larger projects like Wikipedia and Commons don't have a template space alias, and it's not worth implementing for the half dozen people here who might actually eventually use it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:32, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Only 150 Templates, really? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:00, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Probably around about that which are regularly used. There's 170 in [[:Category:Templates without documentation]], but for some, it's anybody's guess what they're even supposed to do. If you don't count the 80 or so stub templates, probably half the existing templates could be deleted and nobody would even notice. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:58, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::Wait, according to the statistics page I have imported ~200 Templates from Wikipedia, does that mean I have created the majority of them? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:28, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::Well...I'm doing a bit of back-of-the-envelope guess-timation on just how many of these templates were made by someone once a decade ago and no one on the project even knows they exist. AKA not templates that would actually benefit from a namespace alias. I'm also discounting — as I indicated — about 80 stub templates, because I don't think anyone has those memorized, and they're probably doing like I do, and just going to the category to find the right one. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:03, 6 June 2022 (UTC)

== 2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 ==

{{closed|name=2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156|text=
2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 should be blocked, but three months seems excessive. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:37, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
* Three days. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:38, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Oh, sorry I misread it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:39, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
}}

== 2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 ==

Should you block ::/64? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:47, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
* Are you referring to 2a02:c7d:ec4a:cd00:7147:9a9c:2586:54ca? God no, even if it was problematic. That's not a /64, it's a /16...so...like 5x10&lt;sup&gt;30&lt;/sup&gt; IP addresses. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:20, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:&lt;s&gt;???&lt;/s&gt; I’m not, I thought you were just meant to do ::/64 in general. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:27, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Sigh. You don't need a range block unless someone is hopping IP addresses. So...Imagine someone is riding on a high speed train and every few minutes they jump cell phone towers and change IP address. So you put the addresses into a calculator to get the range, but it blocks everything between the addresses. So you have to be careful how big it is. There have been times in the past on other projects where someone accidentally blocked like an entire cell phone provider for an entire country because they weren't paying close attention. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:32, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::[[w:User:TonyBallioni/Just block the /64]] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:37, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::As it happens, Tony taught me quite a bit of what I know about range blocks. But no, I don't do range blocks as a matter of course, not even on Commons, and this is a much smaller project with much less traffic. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:45, 6 June 2022 (UTC)

== Mario and Sonic Adventures 4: Leyend of the of the Abominable Snowman ==

Can I see the revision history of the page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:35, 7 June 2022 (UTC)
* No. It's just one of our old friends. Probably a bored child on summer vacation. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:36, 7 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Can you tell me who created the page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:37, 7 June 2022 (UTC)

== Stuartjack479 ==

I think permanent block is too long, maybe three months? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:47, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
* It's a bot. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:59, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Oh. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:26, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
*::[https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Special:CentralAuth?target=Stuartjack479 Yup.] [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:37, 10 June 2022 (UTC)

== Uaeclt ==

Did you get pinged to that page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:10, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
* No. And if you're getting at what I think you're getting at, I'm not entirely too keen on being pinged every time someone drops a deletion template. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:11, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Not a deletion Template, just block request Template that should only be used if the user is being VERY diruptive. — [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:13, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*::We generally use things like categories for stuff like that. So someone can pop in, check a maintenance category, and clean it out of they have time. If I'm trying to resolve something at [[:c:Commons:Administrators' noticeboard]] and I'm getting 15 pings from templates on Wikiquote, I'm not going to be a happy camper. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:05, 21 June 2022 (UTC)

== Vandalism in a wiki ==

I have seen several cases of vandalism in this wiki, how can I report it?

'''Regards, Thanks.'''

[[User:Johnysnooww|Johnysnooww]] ([[User talk:Johnysnooww|talk]]) 16:05, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Johnysnooww}} You have only worked on a single page. The article has been nominated for deletion. At the conclusion of the discussion, an administrator will assess the community consensus.
Please do not remove the template for the discussion, as this notifies members of the community that the discussion is ongoing. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:17, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== Module:Unsubst ==

Hello,

Please could you undelete [[Module:Unsubst]]? It's used in all those clean-up templates that Ilovemydoodle has been copying from wikipedia, so it is now used in hundreds of pages [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:WhatLinksHere/Module:Unsubst&amp;limit=500], which it wasn't when it was nominated for deletion. The deletion has caused &quot;no such module&quot; LUA errors to appear all over over the site, e.g. in [[2022 monkeypox outbreak]]. Thnaks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:43, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
* Don't pretend to know what all that means, but I'll take your word for it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:46, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*:Thank you, It's a rather clever module, it basically makes it impossible to substitute templates, if you substitute something which uses it it automatically unsubstitutes itself.
*:could you also undelete [[Template:Category handler]]? It's also being used in the inline cleanup tags copied from wikipedia so is currently used in 166 pages [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:WhatLinksHere/Template:Category_handler&amp;limit=500]. Thanks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:52, 26 July 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>c09fh6ervz7uver6bd7srnw5gt0koc0</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147483</id>
      <parentid>3147481</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T16:54:30Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Module:Unsubst */ done</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="50975" xml:space="preserve">{{notice|This user may have limited availability due to real world events.}}
{| class=&quot;infobox&quot; width=&quot;150&quot;
|- align=&quot;center&quot; 
| [[File:Replacement filing cabinet.svg|40px|Archive]] &lt;br /&gt; '''Archives'''
|- align=&quot;center&quot;
|[[User talk:GreenMeansGo/Archive 1|1]]
|}

==Scrub please==
[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Pizza&amp;oldid=prev&amp;diff=2805914]. [[User:Drmies|Drmies]] ([[User talk:Drmies|talk]]) 16:39, 6 June 2020 (UTC)
:Sorry. I've been in and out. But it looks like someone else took care of it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 01:42, 9 June 2020 (UTC)

== [[Special:Contributions/86.20.54.197]] ==

[[Special:Contributions/86.20.54.197|This user]] clearly is not here to build an encyclopedia. Cheers! [[User:Nadzik|Nadzik]] ([[User talk:Nadzik|talk]]) 14:09, 22 July 2020 (UTC)
:{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:37, 23 July 2020 (UTC)

== Recruitment for WMF study on patrollers ==

Hello GreenMeansGo,

The Wikimedia Foundation is currently conducting a study on how patrollers interact with IP address edits, and what kinds of IP information are most useful to patrollers. I noticed that you're active in anti-vandalism work on English Wikiquote, and would like to invite you to do an interview with us. It should take no longer than 30 minutes. If you're interested, please contact me via email, clo@wikimedia.org. Thank you for your time! [[User:CLo (WMF)|CLo (WMF)]] ([[User talk:CLo (WMF)|talk]]) 16:23, 17 August 2020 (UTC)

== Friendly letter recommodation ==

Hy thr i saw you reviewed my edit im nt angry i'd like to ask for some advice on wikiquote if you would please i wanna do it personal my number is [redacted] can you send me info on that number please [[User:Angie williamz|Angie williamz]] ([[User talk:Angie williamz|talk]]) 02:51, 26 September 2020 (UTC)
:{{ping|Angie williamz}} generally you shouldn't be posting phone numbers publically like that. I have hidden it in the history, and suggest emailing GreenMeansGo using the &quot;Email this user&quot; feature if you want to discuss something privately. --[[User:DannyS712|DannyS712]] ([[User talk:DannyS712|talk]]) 03:21, 26 September 2020 (UTC)

Ok thanks for the advice [[User:Angie williamz|Angie williamz]] ([[User talk:Angie williamz|talk]]) 03:24, 26 September 2020 (UTC)
* I reverted your edit because you changed the text of the tag line for the movie. Quotes are just that. We don't edit them or update them to make them more agreeable. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:39, 26 September 2020 (UTC)

== Block? ==
I don't know what these two users are up to but it's nothing good. Please consider a block: [[Special:Contributions/14.139.153.162]], [[Special:Contributions/Manasvip]], [[Special:Contributions/Ashank07]]. [[User:Praxidicae|Praxidicae]] ([[User talk:Praxidicae|talk]]) 17:54, 6 January 2021 (UTC)
* Look like UDScott has already obliged us. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 17:46, 9 January 2021 (UTC)

== M.Zaid ==

Thanks - that was my inclination as well, but I had already speedy deleted it a couple of times and wanted at least someone neutral to look at it. Thanks for pulling the trigger. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:29, 31 March 2021 (UTC)
:I'm glad you agree. It at least made intuitive sense to me. If I made a mainspace page for GreenMeansGo including all my favorite quotes from Mick Jagger, it would kindof seem to make sense that &quot;no quote&quot; means no quotes specifically from the subject of the article. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:34, 31 March 2021 (UTC)

== Swati Maliwal ==

Hello, I saw you deleted this page [[Swati Maliwal]]. I was looking for her quotes over the internet. This was my first page on Wikiquotes. I am supposed to make mistakes. But, at least you should've waited for a day. I didn't know how to move it to Draftspace or to userspace as we can do so on Wikipedia. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 12:54, 21 April 2021 (UTC)
:Hey {{ping|Lightbluerain}}. It's perfectly fine to have works in progress, but new pages should include at least one quote. If you're having difficulty finding at least a single sourceable quote, then the subject may not be appropriate for a Wikiquote article. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:49, 21 April 2021 (UTC)
::She is a very notable personality in India. Check her Wikipedia Page. I just being new don't know what type of Quotes? What type of references, etc.? would go. That's why I was taking time. Should I make the page again now? [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:19, 25 April 2021 (UTC)
:::{{re|Lightbluerain}} You're more than welcome to make a page. It's just a standard that has been adopted over time that we ought to be prepared with at least one sourced quote before we do so. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:02, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
::::Alright, thanks. I'll take care from now on. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 19:32, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
:::::{{re|Lightbluerain}} I'll be travelling internationally for the next little bit, but if I can ever be of any help at all feel free to stop by. I may not be prompt, but I'll be happy to help any way I can. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 21:38, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
::::::Thanks a lot. Sure.[[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:31, 28 April 2021 (UTC)

== YouTube ==

Hello, why can we not use YouTube links in sources? They give good source for statements, like the TEDx Talks and news reports.  Also, is there any tool to add sources here as we have on Wikipedia? I can't find it; I doubt the source format I am currently using. Thanks in advance. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:43, 3 May 2021 (UTC)
* {{re|Lightbluerain}} We generally don't allow primary sources for quotes about living people, as it allows...''a great deal of leeway'' for individual editors to selectively quote things that happen to fit their particular point of view, especially when these are taken out of context. Personally, on any topic, I tend to add quotes ''as they are quoted'' in secondary sources, like newspapers, books or magazines. It kindof takes you as an individual out of the equation. Somebody already quoted it exactly as you are quoting it. We're not (at least in my opinion) really supposed to be creating anything. We're just curating and organizing it.
: As to the sourcing tool, no. We do not currently have that imported to this project. I normally open my sandbox on Wikipedia, use the tool, and then copy/paste the wikitext. I'm afraid that while I have the technical access to import this tool, I do not have the technical expertise. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 02:37, 4 May 2021 (UTC)
::Alright, thanks. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 12:31, 4 May 2021 (UTC)

== A Swallow Is Back ==

Reviewing the newly archived application page, reading your thoughtful comment, a proverb his me: one swallow does not a summer make. Instead of lengthy requesting comment of mine, I'd have liked to cite it from ''Nicomachean Ethics''.  Thank you for reminding me on that line, however, it's my great regret I then forgot it completely :(  Apparently I need more rehabilitation. --[[User:Aphaia|Aphaia]] ([[User talk:Aphaia|talk]]) 14:56, 5 September 2021 (UTC)
:No worries. Try hard. Do well. That's all that is expected of any of us. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:28, 5 September 2021 (UTC)

== New user needs help ==

Hi
I am new on Wikiquotes and I need help navigating through the platform. I need someone to teach me a few things. Do you think you can help?
I am an experienced Wikipedia editor and I am confident i learn pretty fast. 
 
P.S I am think of a online meeting on Zoom or Google meet. I just need to know the basics e.g notability. [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] ([[User talk:Prithee P|talk]]) 10:45, 19 September 2021 (UTC)
: We actually have our own standard, which is [[WQ:QUOTABILITY]], rather than notability. Of course, a highly notable person is more likely to be quotable (and it would require unusual circumstances for us to include quotes from someone not notable enough to merit a Wikipedia article). [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 19:22, 19 September 2021 (UTC)
:: An online meeting can be a good idea, last year we already did [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mu36KlVmY-o something] like this on the Italian Wikiquote. --[[User:Spinoziano|Spinoziano]] ([[User talk:Spinoziano|talk]]) 06:22, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
:::Could be a cool idea if there's enough interest. Maybe even a quarterly or monthly thing. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:38, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
::::Yes, I know that [[User:Superchilum|Superchilum]] and [[User:Camelia.boban|Camelia.boban]] wanted to do it in English too, and this year I am willing to appear too. If we repeat [[m:Wiki Loves Women/SheSaid|SheSaid]] next month, I hope it might be of interest to [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] too. --[[User:Spinoziano|Spinoziano]] ([[User talk:Spinoziano|talk]]) 14:33, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
:::::Yes, we will repeat #SheSaid next month, so I'am available for a online meeting. Here is the webinar we did with WikiDonne ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BeHTpFVYdOw&amp;ab_channel=WikipediaWeekly in English], &amp; [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mu36KlVmY-o&amp;t=980s&amp;ab_channel=WikiDonne in Italian]). --[[User:Camelia.boban|Camelia.boban]] ([[User talk:Camelia.boban|talk]]) 15:50, 20 September 2021 (UTC)

Thank you all for your responses. {{reply to|Spinoziano}}, I know about the #Shesaid project and I am interested. I can run one here in my  country. We can recruit new editors to Wiki quotes especially people interested in bridging the gender gap. 
{{replyto|Camelia.boban}} I have sent you a message on IG. Hope that is fine? I will also send you an email. I will looking forward to the online meeting. Thank you.
P.s Thank you for adding the video link.  [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] ([[User talk:Prithee P|talk]]) 00:10, 22 September 2021 (UTC)

:Hi! Thank you for involving me :-) unfortunately in November I will  go to an expedition to Antarctica until the end of February, so I will not be available. I can help with some stuff until my departure, but not so much since I have a lot of things to deal with :-) anyway, if you need anything, try to ask me and I'll do what I can. Bye! --[[User:Superchilum|Superchilum]] ([[User talk:Superchilum|talk]]) 06:33, 26 September 2021 (UTC)

== covid vaccine / miscarriage ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}}

What is your opinion of
this edit: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Miscarriage&amp;diff=3007642&amp;oldid=2933410

Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 16:00, 27 September 2021 (UTC)
:{{re|Ottawahitech}} It looks like a fairly poor quality source from a non notable writer, that takes a study saying &quot;we find no adverse effects&quot; and then figuring out how to do their own amateur math to reach the opposite conclusion of the study itself. Besides that, it's not particularly pithy or quotable. It's just a statistic, even if it wasn't an apparently badly calculated one. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:44, 29 September 2021 (UTC)

== COVID-19 vaccine ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}}

The article [[COVID-19 vaccine]] has gotten a few updates with souces I am not familiar with on October 8. Can you please check if the edits are legitimate?
Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 20:43, 9 October 2021 (UTC)
* Just looking it over, still looks like it could use quite a bit of cleanup. Still quotes that are really just bare statistics. Quotes to quite low quality sources. Vox Populi, which seems to just be a personal blog. Substack, which is pretty much just a blog also. Direct quotes from Twitter, some by apparently non-notable people, others that can't be described as a quote at all, like Jimmy Wales just sharing a link. Sputnik, which is really just a state propaganda outlet. Some over quoting, like paragraphs of quotes from Nature.
: I haven't looked to sort of exactly who added what, but it's probably safe to say a fair bit of content has been added to prove a point, and not for being high quality quotations from notable people or works. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:11, 10 October 2021 (UTC)

== Category Activist stubs question ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}},

On 6 January 2019 you created a [[:Category:Activists stubs]] which currently has only two pages in it, even though  [[:Category:Category:Activist stubs]] had been in existence for two years.  Just wondering if this was an oversight or something deeper? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 13:47, 26 October 2021 (UTC)
:Probably just a typo on my part. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:04, 27 October 2021 (UTC)

== How we will see unregistered users ==

&lt;section begin=content/&gt;
Hi!

You get this message because you are an admin on a Wikimedia wiki.

When someone edits a Wikimedia wiki without being logged in today, we show their IP address. As you may already know, we will not be able to do this in the future. This is a decision by the Wikimedia Foundation Legal department, because norms and regulations for privacy online have changed.

Instead of the IP we will show a masked identity. You as an admin '''will still be able to access the IP'''. There will also be a new user right for those who need to see the full IPs of unregistered users to fight vandalism, harassment and spam without being admins. Patrollers will also see part of the IP even without this user right. We are also working on [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation/Improving tools|better tools]] to help.

If you have not seen it before, you can [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation|read more on Meta]]. If you want to make sure you don’t miss technical changes on the Wikimedia wikis, you can [[m:Global message delivery/Targets/Tech ambassadors|subscribe]] to [[m:Tech/News|the weekly technical newsletter]].

We have [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation#IP Masking Implementation Approaches (FAQ)|two suggested ways]] this identity could work. '''We would appreciate your feedback''' on which way you think would work best for you and your wiki, now and in the future. You can [[m:Talk:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation|let us know on the talk page]]. You can write in your language. The suggestions were posted in October and we will decide after 17 January.

Thank you. 
/[[m:User:Johan (WMF)|Johan (WMF)]]&lt;section end=content/&gt;

18:14, 4 January 2022 (UTC)
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== [[Game of Death/The Game of Death]] ==

GreenMeansGo and 
[[Wikidata:Q20202630|wikidata?]]
You deleted the page but could you solve the problem? Thank you [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 12:05, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
* I don't understand what the problem is you're trying to solve. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:09, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*:Hi GMG, on [[Wikidata:Q854576|Wikidata Game of Death (1978)]] there is [[w:en:Game of Death|Wikipedia (Game of Death film 1978)]] and [[Game of Death|Dialogue]] but [[w:simple:The Game of Death|The Game of Death (1972)]] there aren't [[Game of Death#1972|Dialogue]] on [[wikidata:Q20202630|Wikidata The Game of Death (1972)]]. Can you help me please? 15:47, 12 January 2022 (UTC) [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 15:47, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*::You can always create an article on Wikiquote for [[The Game of Death (1972)]]. I'm afraid I don't read or speak Cantonese. So I'm not sure how much help I can be other than that. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:27, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::No Cantonese but on English. Ok I go [[The Game of Death (1972)]]. Thank you very much! [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 16:39, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::Dear GMG Can you help me? I would like to incorporate [https://incubator.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wq/yue/%E6%AD%BB%E4%BA%A1%E7%9A%84%E9%81%8A%E6%88%B2 this page] into [[Wikidata:Q20202630|this wikidata]] [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 09:35, 20 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::::Incubator is kind of a testing ground or sandbox, and as far as I know, isn't supported by Wikidata. It's meant to be an internal project and not something for public consumption. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:14, 21 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::::Ok Thank you [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 18:33, 21 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::Hello GreenMeansGo, I'm sorry to bother you but I have a problem [[User talk:UDScott##External links (The Game of Death)|here]] with the User UDScott. I am very helpful but he is always full of doubts, could you help him? Please! [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 23:13, 31 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::::::Please! please! please! help me with the User UDScott [[User talk:UDScott##External links (The Game of Death)|here]] [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 17:18, 1 February 2022 (UTC)
* I'm not sure how much help I can be here in a detailed dispute. I don't speak the language. I don't know that we have anyone at all who is active on this project who does speak the language. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:58, 2 February 2022 (UTC)

*:[[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] is an incomplete Hong Kong martial arts film, filmed between August and October 1972, directed, written, produced by and starring [[Bruce Lee]], in his final film project. Lee died during the making of the film.  During filming, Lee received an offer to star in [[Enter the Dragon]]. Lee died of cerebral edema before the film's release. At the time of his death, he had made plans to resume the filming of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. In 1973 some fragments were shown exclusively within the documentary [[Bruce Lee: the Mand and the Legend]]. After Lee's death, Enter the Dragon director Robert Clouse was enlisted to finish the film using two stand-ins; it was released in 1978 as [[Game of Death]], five years after Lee's death, by Golden Harvest. The 1978 film's plot was altered to a revenge story. In 1978 the Golden Harvest has released [[Game of Death]] (and sequel [[Game of Death II]] in 1981). The 1978 version uses portions of the original footage married to an entirely [[w:Game of Death#Game of Death (1978)|new plot]]. The revised version of the film uses only 11 minutes and 7 seconds of the footage from the original [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. Several years later, Bruce Lee historian John Little released [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]], a documentary revealing the original footage and storyline of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. The documentary also includes a fairly in-depth biography of Lee and leads into the filming of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. Five years after Bruce Lee's death in 1973, Golden Harvest used about 11 minutes of Lee's uncompleted original footage intended by him to become the film &quot;[[Game of Death]]&quot;, completing the rest of their 1978 film using Lee look-a-likes. Twenty-three more minutes of Lee's original footage were considered lost for 28 years, until they were discovered by Bey Logan in 1999. John Little assembled these parts according to Lee's script notes, reflecting more accurately Lee's intentions. In 2000 it was directed the short film [[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]]. The movie is the storyline ([[w:simple:The Game of Death#Plot|Plot]])for [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] and the missing part of Bruce Lee's [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]], '''not played in 1972'''. ([[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]] is also a prequel and sequel of [[Game of Death Redux]]). Directed in South Korea by John Little, distributed as a special feature in DVD of the documentary [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]]. In 2000, the Japanese film [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi|Bruce Lee in G.O.D 死亡的遊戯]] was released on DVD. This film shows Lee's original vision of the film through the existing footage that was shot for the film before he died (= [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] of [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]]), interviews, and historical re-enactments of what went on behind the scenes. On 2019 producer Alan Canvan edited [[Game of Death Redux]], edit only uses footage shot during the original production of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. The film was released as a special feature in The Criterion Collection's Blu-ray box set of Bruce Lee films, on July 14, 2020. [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 23:58, 2 February 2022 (UTC)
*:: Inside the documentary [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]] there is [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside the documentary [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi]] there is [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside [[Game of Death Redux]] there is only [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside [[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]] there is only original script and the party not played in 1972&lt;br&gt;1972 Original footage of [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]] = 1972 Original footage of [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi]] = [[Game of Death Redux]] (only small differences)&lt;br&gt;[[The Story (2000 film)]] + [[Game of Death Redux]] = [[The Game of Death (1972)]]&lt;br&gt;[[Game of Death|Game of Death (1978 film)]] only 11 minutes and 7 seconds [[The Game of Death (1972)]] but plot and dialogue different [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]]

*::: Do you understand ? [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 08:57, 3 February 2022 (UTC)

== RfA close ==

I have no objection to your closing the discussion, but I did have an eye on it to do so today. [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 06:58, 2 March 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|BD2412}} Sorry if I got in your way. I just know we've had quite a few in the past that have languished for a bit. Given the level of disruption around this one in particular, it seemed prudent to wrap things up. I didn't expect much objection given that only one regular user opposed. But if you think it will be wiser, please feel free to reclose as someone completely uninvolved.
: Maybe it's not a bad idea to draw lots and assign one of us to sit out an RfA and be the designated closer. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:45, 2 March 2022 (UTC)
:: I don't think it's an issue, but I went ahead and reclosed just to avoid any question. Cheers! [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 20:16, 2 March 2022 (UTC)

== Template:Trusted List ==

The page was not a test page, can you please reinstate it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:25, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Ilovemydoodle}} You are free to keep personal lists in your user space, as you have created already. However, these are not appropriate for public-facing [[:w:Wikipedia:Namespace|name spaces]] like template space. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:29, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*:Then, can you please give me the source of the deleted page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:31, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*::It is the same as the list on your user page that you can access by clicking the hyperlink on your name. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:33, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::The list on my name used that template and no longer works now that that page was deleted. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:36, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*::::@[[User:Koavf|Koavf]] Could you give me the source of that page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 02:06, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::* [[User:UDScott|UDScott]]
*:::::* [[User:ShakespeareFan00|ShakespeareFan00]]
*:::::* [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]]
*:::::* [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]]
*:::::* [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]]
*:::::* [[User:Koavf|Koavf]]
*:::::* [[User:Ferien|Ferien]]
*:::::* [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:10, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::*:yes, interesting..
*:::::*:The way the system here is designed is to have templates in the public part of the wiki, and btw, thanks GMG for clarifying that at WQ users can put their own private thoughts on userspace. It is a shame though that we cannot use template, category and what-have-you technology also into userspace [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:16, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::*::Well, you can use Templates in user space via transclusion. — [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:17, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::It's generally just a commonly recognized divide across projects. It can be confusing for readers if we unexpectedly delve them into internal dialogue. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:02, 18 May 2022 (UTC)

== Hey there! ==

Why did you delete my page, I created how the article says &quot;what if 2020 was a person?&quot; I added many details, but somehow, you deleted it for no reason. Thank you if you explain this. --[[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 18:17, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:Hey anon. Wikiquote only hosts pages on subjects that are considered notable, usually meaning that they have been widely covered in published sources. Often a good measure of this is whether they have an article over on Wikipedia. It seems highly doubtful that the question of &quot;what if 2020 was a person&quot; has been the subject of significant published sources, and one-off references to YouTube videos don't really count toward that. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 18:55, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::Oh, the text isn't real, I added information that &quot;what if 2020 was a person&quot; I made the information by myself, and since there are no reliable sources, I used links and blog posts to support hose sources. Apologies, but my article I created was not meant to be taken seriously, it was made humorous and too entertaining ￼. I inserted fun into those edits to entertain the readers and viewers. And I added trivia and different plots in order to use imagination. Thank you! [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 18:59, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:::We also don't host original content purely for entertainment purposes. I'm afraid you will have to keep that to social media, blogs and the like. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:03, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::::Can you explain why this wiki not host original content for entertainment purposes? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 19:07, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::It's just isn't within the established scope of the project. We're intended to be a collection of educationally useful quotes on broadly important subjects. It's a bit like asking why Instagram isn't for sharing software and short stories. It just isn't. There are places beside Instagram which are for those other things. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:13, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::Also, why Wikiquotes aren't a crystal ball? What if 2020 came to your house? What would you do? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 15:48, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::It did come to my house. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:52, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Explain why it is not a crystal ball? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 16:01, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Because you can't cite sources that don't yet exist. It's a reference to fortune telling. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:31, 1 June 2022 (UTC)

== Admin accountability poll ==

[[File:Information.svg|25x25px]] Admin accountability poll is open, vote [[Wikiquote:Admin accountability poll|here]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:05, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Block backlog ==

{{ping|GreenMeansGo}} Could you please fix the backlog of block requests? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:38, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* ? [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:41, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== WQT ==

Could you please make WQT a namespace? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:01, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* Namespaces are part of the software. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:46, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Could you ask on Phab? (I can't for complicated reasons). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:47, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Why? Even if I did, it would probably be ignored because there doesn't seem to be any justification for the request. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:51, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::It’s very useful for shortcuts. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:52, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::That's not really a justification. The volunteers on Phab are not going to commit to creating an entirely new namespace so a few users on a small project can occasionally save a few keystrokes. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:54, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::Why can’t it be added just for Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:55, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::It doesn't really matter one way or the other. Making some redirects isn't a justification for creating an entirely new namespace. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:01, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::Well, WP exists on Wikipedia and WQ exists on Wikiquote. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:04, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::::&quot;WP&quot; isn't a namespace. It's a [https://www.mediawiki.org/wiki/Manual:$wgNamespaceAliases namespace alias]. The Wikiquote talk namespace exists. That's why you can access [[Wikiquote talk:Administrators' noticeboard]]. Talk spaces are automatically created for all namespaces other than...ummm...virtual spaces like Special. Aliases are just...kindof like project wide automatic redirects. But project talk space here is so exceedingly rarely used it would take decades to recoup the effort put into getting someone to make a project talk alias. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:17, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::::I would like &quot;WQT:&quot; to be an alias for &quot;Template:&quot;. - [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:23, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* Honestly, I'm not really concerned about that either. There's something like 150 templates on the entire project. Feel free to go ask, but I don't think anyone on Phab is going to care. They're going to tell you the same thing I'm going to tell you: Even much larger projects like Wikipedia and Commons don't have a template space alias, and it's not worth implementing for the half dozen people here who might actually eventually use it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:32, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Only 150 Templates, really? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:00, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Probably around about that which are regularly used. There's 170 in [[:Category:Templates without documentation]], but for some, it's anybody's guess what they're even supposed to do. If you don't count the 80 or so stub templates, probably half the existing templates could be deleted and nobody would even notice. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:58, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::Wait, according to the statistics page I have imported ~200 Templates from Wikipedia, does that mean I have created the majority of them? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:28, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::Well...I'm doing a bit of back-of-the-envelope guess-timation on just how many of these templates were made by someone once a decade ago and no one on the project even knows they exist. AKA not templates that would actually benefit from a namespace alias. I'm also discounting — as I indicated — about 80 stub templates, because I don't think anyone has those memorized, and they're probably doing like I do, and just going to the category to find the right one. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:03, 6 June 2022 (UTC)

== 2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 ==

{{closed|name=2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156|text=
2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 should be blocked, but three months seems excessive. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:37, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
* Three days. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:38, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Oh, sorry I misread it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:39, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
}}

== 2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 ==

Should you block ::/64? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:47, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
* Are you referring to 2a02:c7d:ec4a:cd00:7147:9a9c:2586:54ca? God no, even if it was problematic. That's not a /64, it's a /16...so...like 5x10&lt;sup&gt;30&lt;/sup&gt; IP addresses. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:20, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:&lt;s&gt;???&lt;/s&gt; I’m not, I thought you were just meant to do ::/64 in general. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:27, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Sigh. You don't need a range block unless someone is hopping IP addresses. So...Imagine someone is riding on a high speed train and every few minutes they jump cell phone towers and change IP address. So you put the addresses into a calculator to get the range, but it blocks everything between the addresses. So you have to be careful how big it is. There have been times in the past on other projects where someone accidentally blocked like an entire cell phone provider for an entire country because they weren't paying close attention. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:32, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::[[w:User:TonyBallioni/Just block the /64]] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:37, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::As it happens, Tony taught me quite a bit of what I know about range blocks. But no, I don't do range blocks as a matter of course, not even on Commons, and this is a much smaller project with much less traffic. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:45, 6 June 2022 (UTC)

== Mario and Sonic Adventures 4: Leyend of the of the Abominable Snowman ==

Can I see the revision history of the page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:35, 7 June 2022 (UTC)
* No. It's just one of our old friends. Probably a bored child on summer vacation. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:36, 7 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Can you tell me who created the page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:37, 7 June 2022 (UTC)

== Stuartjack479 ==

I think permanent block is too long, maybe three months? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:47, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
* It's a bot. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:59, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Oh. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:26, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
*::[https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Special:CentralAuth?target=Stuartjack479 Yup.] [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:37, 10 June 2022 (UTC)

== Uaeclt ==

Did you get pinged to that page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:10, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
* No. And if you're getting at what I think you're getting at, I'm not entirely too keen on being pinged every time someone drops a deletion template. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:11, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Not a deletion Template, just block request Template that should only be used if the user is being VERY diruptive. — [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:13, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*::We generally use things like categories for stuff like that. So someone can pop in, check a maintenance category, and clean it out of they have time. If I'm trying to resolve something at [[:c:Commons:Administrators' noticeboard]] and I'm getting 15 pings from templates on Wikiquote, I'm not going to be a happy camper. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:05, 21 June 2022 (UTC)

== Vandalism in a wiki ==

I have seen several cases of vandalism in this wiki, how can I report it?

'''Regards, Thanks.'''

[[User:Johnysnooww|Johnysnooww]] ([[User talk:Johnysnooww|talk]]) 16:05, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Johnysnooww}} You have only worked on a single page. The article has been nominated for deletion. At the conclusion of the discussion, an administrator will assess the community consensus.
Please do not remove the template for the discussion, as this notifies members of the community that the discussion is ongoing. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:17, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== Module:Unsubst ==

Hello,

Please could you undelete [[Module:Unsubst]]? It's used in all those clean-up templates that Ilovemydoodle has been copying from wikipedia, so it is now used in hundreds of pages [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:WhatLinksHere/Module:Unsubst&amp;limit=500], which it wasn't when it was nominated for deletion. The deletion has caused &quot;no such module&quot; LUA errors to appear all over over the site, e.g. in [[2022 monkeypox outbreak]]. Thnaks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:43, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
* Don't pretend to know what all that means, but I'll take your word for it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:46, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*:Thank you, It's a rather clever module, it basically makes it impossible to substitute templates, if you substitute something which uses it it automatically unsubstitutes itself.
*:could you also undelete [[Template:Category handler]]? It's also being used in the inline cleanup tags copied from wikipedia so is currently used in 166 pages [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:WhatLinksHere/Template:Category_handler&amp;limit=500]. Thanks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:52, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*::{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:54, 26 July 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>507x4yenbwq56oej6r7xy2old8kjzzt</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147486</id>
      <parentid>3147483</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T16:58:09Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Module:Unsubst */ Reply</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="51081" xml:space="preserve">{{notice|This user may have limited availability due to real world events.}}
{| class=&quot;infobox&quot; width=&quot;150&quot;
|- align=&quot;center&quot; 
| [[File:Replacement filing cabinet.svg|40px|Archive]] &lt;br /&gt; '''Archives'''
|- align=&quot;center&quot;
|[[User talk:GreenMeansGo/Archive 1|1]]
|}

==Scrub please==
[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Pizza&amp;oldid=prev&amp;diff=2805914]. [[User:Drmies|Drmies]] ([[User talk:Drmies|talk]]) 16:39, 6 June 2020 (UTC)
:Sorry. I've been in and out. But it looks like someone else took care of it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 01:42, 9 June 2020 (UTC)

== [[Special:Contributions/86.20.54.197]] ==

[[Special:Contributions/86.20.54.197|This user]] clearly is not here to build an encyclopedia. Cheers! [[User:Nadzik|Nadzik]] ([[User talk:Nadzik|talk]]) 14:09, 22 July 2020 (UTC)
:{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:37, 23 July 2020 (UTC)

== Recruitment for WMF study on patrollers ==

Hello GreenMeansGo,

The Wikimedia Foundation is currently conducting a study on how patrollers interact with IP address edits, and what kinds of IP information are most useful to patrollers. I noticed that you're active in anti-vandalism work on English Wikiquote, and would like to invite you to do an interview with us. It should take no longer than 30 minutes. If you're interested, please contact me via email, clo@wikimedia.org. Thank you for your time! [[User:CLo (WMF)|CLo (WMF)]] ([[User talk:CLo (WMF)|talk]]) 16:23, 17 August 2020 (UTC)

== Friendly letter recommodation ==

Hy thr i saw you reviewed my edit im nt angry i'd like to ask for some advice on wikiquote if you would please i wanna do it personal my number is [redacted] can you send me info on that number please [[User:Angie williamz|Angie williamz]] ([[User talk:Angie williamz|talk]]) 02:51, 26 September 2020 (UTC)
:{{ping|Angie williamz}} generally you shouldn't be posting phone numbers publically like that. I have hidden it in the history, and suggest emailing GreenMeansGo using the &quot;Email this user&quot; feature if you want to discuss something privately. --[[User:DannyS712|DannyS712]] ([[User talk:DannyS712|talk]]) 03:21, 26 September 2020 (UTC)

Ok thanks for the advice [[User:Angie williamz|Angie williamz]] ([[User talk:Angie williamz|talk]]) 03:24, 26 September 2020 (UTC)
* I reverted your edit because you changed the text of the tag line for the movie. Quotes are just that. We don't edit them or update them to make them more agreeable. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:39, 26 September 2020 (UTC)

== Block? ==
I don't know what these two users are up to but it's nothing good. Please consider a block: [[Special:Contributions/14.139.153.162]], [[Special:Contributions/Manasvip]], [[Special:Contributions/Ashank07]]. [[User:Praxidicae|Praxidicae]] ([[User talk:Praxidicae|talk]]) 17:54, 6 January 2021 (UTC)
* Look like UDScott has already obliged us. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 17:46, 9 January 2021 (UTC)

== M.Zaid ==

Thanks - that was my inclination as well, but I had already speedy deleted it a couple of times and wanted at least someone neutral to look at it. Thanks for pulling the trigger. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:29, 31 March 2021 (UTC)
:I'm glad you agree. It at least made intuitive sense to me. If I made a mainspace page for GreenMeansGo including all my favorite quotes from Mick Jagger, it would kindof seem to make sense that &quot;no quote&quot; means no quotes specifically from the subject of the article. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:34, 31 March 2021 (UTC)

== Swati Maliwal ==

Hello, I saw you deleted this page [[Swati Maliwal]]. I was looking for her quotes over the internet. This was my first page on Wikiquotes. I am supposed to make mistakes. But, at least you should've waited for a day. I didn't know how to move it to Draftspace or to userspace as we can do so on Wikipedia. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 12:54, 21 April 2021 (UTC)
:Hey {{ping|Lightbluerain}}. It's perfectly fine to have works in progress, but new pages should include at least one quote. If you're having difficulty finding at least a single sourceable quote, then the subject may not be appropriate for a Wikiquote article. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:49, 21 April 2021 (UTC)
::She is a very notable personality in India. Check her Wikipedia Page. I just being new don't know what type of Quotes? What type of references, etc.? would go. That's why I was taking time. Should I make the page again now? [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:19, 25 April 2021 (UTC)
:::{{re|Lightbluerain}} You're more than welcome to make a page. It's just a standard that has been adopted over time that we ought to be prepared with at least one sourced quote before we do so. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:02, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
::::Alright, thanks. I'll take care from now on. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 19:32, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
:::::{{re|Lightbluerain}} I'll be travelling internationally for the next little bit, but if I can ever be of any help at all feel free to stop by. I may not be prompt, but I'll be happy to help any way I can. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 21:38, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
::::::Thanks a lot. Sure.[[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:31, 28 April 2021 (UTC)

== YouTube ==

Hello, why can we not use YouTube links in sources? They give good source for statements, like the TEDx Talks and news reports.  Also, is there any tool to add sources here as we have on Wikipedia? I can't find it; I doubt the source format I am currently using. Thanks in advance. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:43, 3 May 2021 (UTC)
* {{re|Lightbluerain}} We generally don't allow primary sources for quotes about living people, as it allows...''a great deal of leeway'' for individual editors to selectively quote things that happen to fit their particular point of view, especially when these are taken out of context. Personally, on any topic, I tend to add quotes ''as they are quoted'' in secondary sources, like newspapers, books or magazines. It kindof takes you as an individual out of the equation. Somebody already quoted it exactly as you are quoting it. We're not (at least in my opinion) really supposed to be creating anything. We're just curating and organizing it.
: As to the sourcing tool, no. We do not currently have that imported to this project. I normally open my sandbox on Wikipedia, use the tool, and then copy/paste the wikitext. I'm afraid that while I have the technical access to import this tool, I do not have the technical expertise. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 02:37, 4 May 2021 (UTC)
::Alright, thanks. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 12:31, 4 May 2021 (UTC)

== A Swallow Is Back ==

Reviewing the newly archived application page, reading your thoughtful comment, a proverb his me: one swallow does not a summer make. Instead of lengthy requesting comment of mine, I'd have liked to cite it from ''Nicomachean Ethics''.  Thank you for reminding me on that line, however, it's my great regret I then forgot it completely :(  Apparently I need more rehabilitation. --[[User:Aphaia|Aphaia]] ([[User talk:Aphaia|talk]]) 14:56, 5 September 2021 (UTC)
:No worries. Try hard. Do well. That's all that is expected of any of us. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:28, 5 September 2021 (UTC)

== New user needs help ==

Hi
I am new on Wikiquotes and I need help navigating through the platform. I need someone to teach me a few things. Do you think you can help?
I am an experienced Wikipedia editor and I am confident i learn pretty fast. 
 
P.S I am think of a online meeting on Zoom or Google meet. I just need to know the basics e.g notability. [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] ([[User talk:Prithee P|talk]]) 10:45, 19 September 2021 (UTC)
: We actually have our own standard, which is [[WQ:QUOTABILITY]], rather than notability. Of course, a highly notable person is more likely to be quotable (and it would require unusual circumstances for us to include quotes from someone not notable enough to merit a Wikipedia article). [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 19:22, 19 September 2021 (UTC)
:: An online meeting can be a good idea, last year we already did [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mu36KlVmY-o something] like this on the Italian Wikiquote. --[[User:Spinoziano|Spinoziano]] ([[User talk:Spinoziano|talk]]) 06:22, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
:::Could be a cool idea if there's enough interest. Maybe even a quarterly or monthly thing. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:38, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
::::Yes, I know that [[User:Superchilum|Superchilum]] and [[User:Camelia.boban|Camelia.boban]] wanted to do it in English too, and this year I am willing to appear too. If we repeat [[m:Wiki Loves Women/SheSaid|SheSaid]] next month, I hope it might be of interest to [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] too. --[[User:Spinoziano|Spinoziano]] ([[User talk:Spinoziano|talk]]) 14:33, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
:::::Yes, we will repeat #SheSaid next month, so I'am available for a online meeting. Here is the webinar we did with WikiDonne ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BeHTpFVYdOw&amp;ab_channel=WikipediaWeekly in English], &amp; [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mu36KlVmY-o&amp;t=980s&amp;ab_channel=WikiDonne in Italian]). --[[User:Camelia.boban|Camelia.boban]] ([[User talk:Camelia.boban|talk]]) 15:50, 20 September 2021 (UTC)

Thank you all for your responses. {{reply to|Spinoziano}}, I know about the #Shesaid project and I am interested. I can run one here in my  country. We can recruit new editors to Wiki quotes especially people interested in bridging the gender gap. 
{{replyto|Camelia.boban}} I have sent you a message on IG. Hope that is fine? I will also send you an email. I will looking forward to the online meeting. Thank you.
P.s Thank you for adding the video link.  [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] ([[User talk:Prithee P|talk]]) 00:10, 22 September 2021 (UTC)

:Hi! Thank you for involving me :-) unfortunately in November I will  go to an expedition to Antarctica until the end of February, so I will not be available. I can help with some stuff until my departure, but not so much since I have a lot of things to deal with :-) anyway, if you need anything, try to ask me and I'll do what I can. Bye! --[[User:Superchilum|Superchilum]] ([[User talk:Superchilum|talk]]) 06:33, 26 September 2021 (UTC)

== covid vaccine / miscarriage ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}}

What is your opinion of
this edit: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Miscarriage&amp;diff=3007642&amp;oldid=2933410

Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 16:00, 27 September 2021 (UTC)
:{{re|Ottawahitech}} It looks like a fairly poor quality source from a non notable writer, that takes a study saying &quot;we find no adverse effects&quot; and then figuring out how to do their own amateur math to reach the opposite conclusion of the study itself. Besides that, it's not particularly pithy or quotable. It's just a statistic, even if it wasn't an apparently badly calculated one. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:44, 29 September 2021 (UTC)

== COVID-19 vaccine ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}}

The article [[COVID-19 vaccine]] has gotten a few updates with souces I am not familiar with on October 8. Can you please check if the edits are legitimate?
Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 20:43, 9 October 2021 (UTC)
* Just looking it over, still looks like it could use quite a bit of cleanup. Still quotes that are really just bare statistics. Quotes to quite low quality sources. Vox Populi, which seems to just be a personal blog. Substack, which is pretty much just a blog also. Direct quotes from Twitter, some by apparently non-notable people, others that can't be described as a quote at all, like Jimmy Wales just sharing a link. Sputnik, which is really just a state propaganda outlet. Some over quoting, like paragraphs of quotes from Nature.
: I haven't looked to sort of exactly who added what, but it's probably safe to say a fair bit of content has been added to prove a point, and not for being high quality quotations from notable people or works. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:11, 10 October 2021 (UTC)

== Category Activist stubs question ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}},

On 6 January 2019 you created a [[:Category:Activists stubs]] which currently has only two pages in it, even though  [[:Category:Category:Activist stubs]] had been in existence for two years.  Just wondering if this was an oversight or something deeper? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 13:47, 26 October 2021 (UTC)
:Probably just a typo on my part. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:04, 27 October 2021 (UTC)

== How we will see unregistered users ==

&lt;section begin=content/&gt;
Hi!

You get this message because you are an admin on a Wikimedia wiki.

When someone edits a Wikimedia wiki without being logged in today, we show their IP address. As you may already know, we will not be able to do this in the future. This is a decision by the Wikimedia Foundation Legal department, because norms and regulations for privacy online have changed.

Instead of the IP we will show a masked identity. You as an admin '''will still be able to access the IP'''. There will also be a new user right for those who need to see the full IPs of unregistered users to fight vandalism, harassment and spam without being admins. Patrollers will also see part of the IP even without this user right. We are also working on [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation/Improving tools|better tools]] to help.

If you have not seen it before, you can [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation|read more on Meta]]. If you want to make sure you don’t miss technical changes on the Wikimedia wikis, you can [[m:Global message delivery/Targets/Tech ambassadors|subscribe]] to [[m:Tech/News|the weekly technical newsletter]].

We have [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation#IP Masking Implementation Approaches (FAQ)|two suggested ways]] this identity could work. '''We would appreciate your feedback''' on which way you think would work best for you and your wiki, now and in the future. You can [[m:Talk:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation|let us know on the talk page]]. You can write in your language. The suggestions were posted in October and we will decide after 17 January.

Thank you. 
/[[m:User:Johan (WMF)|Johan (WMF)]]&lt;section end=content/&gt;

18:14, 4 January 2022 (UTC)
&lt;!-- Message sent by User:Johan (WMF)@metawiki using the list at https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=User:Johan_(WMF)/Target_lists/Admins2022(3)&amp;oldid=22532499 --&gt;

== [[Game of Death/The Game of Death]] ==

GreenMeansGo and 
[[Wikidata:Q20202630|wikidata?]]
You deleted the page but could you solve the problem? Thank you [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 12:05, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
* I don't understand what the problem is you're trying to solve. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:09, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*:Hi GMG, on [[Wikidata:Q854576|Wikidata Game of Death (1978)]] there is [[w:en:Game of Death|Wikipedia (Game of Death film 1978)]] and [[Game of Death|Dialogue]] but [[w:simple:The Game of Death|The Game of Death (1972)]] there aren't [[Game of Death#1972|Dialogue]] on [[wikidata:Q20202630|Wikidata The Game of Death (1972)]]. Can you help me please? 15:47, 12 January 2022 (UTC) [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 15:47, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*::You can always create an article on Wikiquote for [[The Game of Death (1972)]]. I'm afraid I don't read or speak Cantonese. So I'm not sure how much help I can be other than that. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:27, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::No Cantonese but on English. Ok I go [[The Game of Death (1972)]]. Thank you very much! [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 16:39, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::Dear GMG Can you help me? I would like to incorporate [https://incubator.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wq/yue/%E6%AD%BB%E4%BA%A1%E7%9A%84%E9%81%8A%E6%88%B2 this page] into [[Wikidata:Q20202630|this wikidata]] [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 09:35, 20 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::::Incubator is kind of a testing ground or sandbox, and as far as I know, isn't supported by Wikidata. It's meant to be an internal project and not something for public consumption. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:14, 21 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::::Ok Thank you [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 18:33, 21 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::Hello GreenMeansGo, I'm sorry to bother you but I have a problem [[User talk:UDScott##External links (The Game of Death)|here]] with the User UDScott. I am very helpful but he is always full of doubts, could you help him? Please! [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 23:13, 31 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::::::Please! please! please! help me with the User UDScott [[User talk:UDScott##External links (The Game of Death)|here]] [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 17:18, 1 February 2022 (UTC)
* I'm not sure how much help I can be here in a detailed dispute. I don't speak the language. I don't know that we have anyone at all who is active on this project who does speak the language. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:58, 2 February 2022 (UTC)

*:[[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] is an incomplete Hong Kong martial arts film, filmed between August and October 1972, directed, written, produced by and starring [[Bruce Lee]], in his final film project. Lee died during the making of the film.  During filming, Lee received an offer to star in [[Enter the Dragon]]. Lee died of cerebral edema before the film's release. At the time of his death, he had made plans to resume the filming of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. In 1973 some fragments were shown exclusively within the documentary [[Bruce Lee: the Mand and the Legend]]. After Lee's death, Enter the Dragon director Robert Clouse was enlisted to finish the film using two stand-ins; it was released in 1978 as [[Game of Death]], five years after Lee's death, by Golden Harvest. The 1978 film's plot was altered to a revenge story. In 1978 the Golden Harvest has released [[Game of Death]] (and sequel [[Game of Death II]] in 1981). The 1978 version uses portions of the original footage married to an entirely [[w:Game of Death#Game of Death (1978)|new plot]]. The revised version of the film uses only 11 minutes and 7 seconds of the footage from the original [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. Several years later, Bruce Lee historian John Little released [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]], a documentary revealing the original footage and storyline of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. The documentary also includes a fairly in-depth biography of Lee and leads into the filming of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. Five years after Bruce Lee's death in 1973, Golden Harvest used about 11 minutes of Lee's uncompleted original footage intended by him to become the film &quot;[[Game of Death]]&quot;, completing the rest of their 1978 film using Lee look-a-likes. Twenty-three more minutes of Lee's original footage were considered lost for 28 years, until they were discovered by Bey Logan in 1999. John Little assembled these parts according to Lee's script notes, reflecting more accurately Lee's intentions. In 2000 it was directed the short film [[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]]. The movie is the storyline ([[w:simple:The Game of Death#Plot|Plot]])for [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] and the missing part of Bruce Lee's [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]], '''not played in 1972'''. ([[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]] is also a prequel and sequel of [[Game of Death Redux]]). Directed in South Korea by John Little, distributed as a special feature in DVD of the documentary [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]]. In 2000, the Japanese film [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi|Bruce Lee in G.O.D 死亡的遊戯]] was released on DVD. This film shows Lee's original vision of the film through the existing footage that was shot for the film before he died (= [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] of [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]]), interviews, and historical re-enactments of what went on behind the scenes. On 2019 producer Alan Canvan edited [[Game of Death Redux]], edit only uses footage shot during the original production of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. The film was released as a special feature in The Criterion Collection's Blu-ray box set of Bruce Lee films, on July 14, 2020. [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 23:58, 2 February 2022 (UTC)
*:: Inside the documentary [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]] there is [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside the documentary [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi]] there is [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside [[Game of Death Redux]] there is only [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside [[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]] there is only original script and the party not played in 1972&lt;br&gt;1972 Original footage of [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]] = 1972 Original footage of [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi]] = [[Game of Death Redux]] (only small differences)&lt;br&gt;[[The Story (2000 film)]] + [[Game of Death Redux]] = [[The Game of Death (1972)]]&lt;br&gt;[[Game of Death|Game of Death (1978 film)]] only 11 minutes and 7 seconds [[The Game of Death (1972)]] but plot and dialogue different [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]]

*::: Do you understand ? [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 08:57, 3 February 2022 (UTC)

== RfA close ==

I have no objection to your closing the discussion, but I did have an eye on it to do so today. [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 06:58, 2 March 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|BD2412}} Sorry if I got in your way. I just know we've had quite a few in the past that have languished for a bit. Given the level of disruption around this one in particular, it seemed prudent to wrap things up. I didn't expect much objection given that only one regular user opposed. But if you think it will be wiser, please feel free to reclose as someone completely uninvolved.
: Maybe it's not a bad idea to draw lots and assign one of us to sit out an RfA and be the designated closer. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:45, 2 March 2022 (UTC)
:: I don't think it's an issue, but I went ahead and reclosed just to avoid any question. Cheers! [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 20:16, 2 March 2022 (UTC)

== Template:Trusted List ==

The page was not a test page, can you please reinstate it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:25, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Ilovemydoodle}} You are free to keep personal lists in your user space, as you have created already. However, these are not appropriate for public-facing [[:w:Wikipedia:Namespace|name spaces]] like template space. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:29, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*:Then, can you please give me the source of the deleted page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:31, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*::It is the same as the list on your user page that you can access by clicking the hyperlink on your name. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:33, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::The list on my name used that template and no longer works now that that page was deleted. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:36, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*::::@[[User:Koavf|Koavf]] Could you give me the source of that page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 02:06, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::* [[User:UDScott|UDScott]]
*:::::* [[User:ShakespeareFan00|ShakespeareFan00]]
*:::::* [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]]
*:::::* [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]]
*:::::* [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]]
*:::::* [[User:Koavf|Koavf]]
*:::::* [[User:Ferien|Ferien]]
*:::::* [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:10, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::*:yes, interesting..
*:::::*:The way the system here is designed is to have templates in the public part of the wiki, and btw, thanks GMG for clarifying that at WQ users can put their own private thoughts on userspace. It is a shame though that we cannot use template, category and what-have-you technology also into userspace [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:16, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::*::Well, you can use Templates in user space via transclusion. — [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:17, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::It's generally just a commonly recognized divide across projects. It can be confusing for readers if we unexpectedly delve them into internal dialogue. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:02, 18 May 2022 (UTC)

== Hey there! ==

Why did you delete my page, I created how the article says &quot;what if 2020 was a person?&quot; I added many details, but somehow, you deleted it for no reason. Thank you if you explain this. --[[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 18:17, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:Hey anon. Wikiquote only hosts pages on subjects that are considered notable, usually meaning that they have been widely covered in published sources. Often a good measure of this is whether they have an article over on Wikipedia. It seems highly doubtful that the question of &quot;what if 2020 was a person&quot; has been the subject of significant published sources, and one-off references to YouTube videos don't really count toward that. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 18:55, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::Oh, the text isn't real, I added information that &quot;what if 2020 was a person&quot; I made the information by myself, and since there are no reliable sources, I used links and blog posts to support hose sources. Apologies, but my article I created was not meant to be taken seriously, it was made humorous and too entertaining ￼. I inserted fun into those edits to entertain the readers and viewers. And I added trivia and different plots in order to use imagination. Thank you! [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 18:59, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:::We also don't host original content purely for entertainment purposes. I'm afraid you will have to keep that to social media, blogs and the like. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:03, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::::Can you explain why this wiki not host original content for entertainment purposes? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 19:07, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::It's just isn't within the established scope of the project. We're intended to be a collection of educationally useful quotes on broadly important subjects. It's a bit like asking why Instagram isn't for sharing software and short stories. It just isn't. There are places beside Instagram which are for those other things. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:13, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::Also, why Wikiquotes aren't a crystal ball? What if 2020 came to your house? What would you do? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 15:48, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::It did come to my house. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:52, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Explain why it is not a crystal ball? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 16:01, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Because you can't cite sources that don't yet exist. It's a reference to fortune telling. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:31, 1 June 2022 (UTC)

== Admin accountability poll ==

[[File:Information.svg|25x25px]] Admin accountability poll is open, vote [[Wikiquote:Admin accountability poll|here]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:05, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Block backlog ==

{{ping|GreenMeansGo}} Could you please fix the backlog of block requests? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:38, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* ? [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:41, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== WQT ==

Could you please make WQT a namespace? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:01, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* Namespaces are part of the software. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:46, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Could you ask on Phab? (I can't for complicated reasons). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:47, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Why? Even if I did, it would probably be ignored because there doesn't seem to be any justification for the request. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:51, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::It’s very useful for shortcuts. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:52, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::That's not really a justification. The volunteers on Phab are not going to commit to creating an entirely new namespace so a few users on a small project can occasionally save a few keystrokes. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:54, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::Why can’t it be added just for Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:55, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::It doesn't really matter one way or the other. Making some redirects isn't a justification for creating an entirely new namespace. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:01, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::Well, WP exists on Wikipedia and WQ exists on Wikiquote. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:04, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::::&quot;WP&quot; isn't a namespace. It's a [https://www.mediawiki.org/wiki/Manual:$wgNamespaceAliases namespace alias]. The Wikiquote talk namespace exists. That's why you can access [[Wikiquote talk:Administrators' noticeboard]]. Talk spaces are automatically created for all namespaces other than...ummm...virtual spaces like Special. Aliases are just...kindof like project wide automatic redirects. But project talk space here is so exceedingly rarely used it would take decades to recoup the effort put into getting someone to make a project talk alias. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:17, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::::I would like &quot;WQT:&quot; to be an alias for &quot;Template:&quot;. - [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:23, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* Honestly, I'm not really concerned about that either. There's something like 150 templates on the entire project. Feel free to go ask, but I don't think anyone on Phab is going to care. They're going to tell you the same thing I'm going to tell you: Even much larger projects like Wikipedia and Commons don't have a template space alias, and it's not worth implementing for the half dozen people here who might actually eventually use it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:32, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Only 150 Templates, really? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:00, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Probably around about that which are regularly used. There's 170 in [[:Category:Templates without documentation]], but for some, it's anybody's guess what they're even supposed to do. If you don't count the 80 or so stub templates, probably half the existing templates could be deleted and nobody would even notice. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:58, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::Wait, according to the statistics page I have imported ~200 Templates from Wikipedia, does that mean I have created the majority of them? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:28, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::Well...I'm doing a bit of back-of-the-envelope guess-timation on just how many of these templates were made by someone once a decade ago and no one on the project even knows they exist. AKA not templates that would actually benefit from a namespace alias. I'm also discounting — as I indicated — about 80 stub templates, because I don't think anyone has those memorized, and they're probably doing like I do, and just going to the category to find the right one. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:03, 6 June 2022 (UTC)

== 2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 ==

{{closed|name=2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156|text=
2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 should be blocked, but three months seems excessive. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:37, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
* Three days. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:38, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Oh, sorry I misread it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:39, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
}}

== 2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 ==

Should you block ::/64? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:47, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
* Are you referring to 2a02:c7d:ec4a:cd00:7147:9a9c:2586:54ca? God no, even if it was problematic. That's not a /64, it's a /16...so...like 5x10&lt;sup&gt;30&lt;/sup&gt; IP addresses. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:20, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:&lt;s&gt;???&lt;/s&gt; I’m not, I thought you were just meant to do ::/64 in general. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:27, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Sigh. You don't need a range block unless someone is hopping IP addresses. So...Imagine someone is riding on a high speed train and every few minutes they jump cell phone towers and change IP address. So you put the addresses into a calculator to get the range, but it blocks everything between the addresses. So you have to be careful how big it is. There have been times in the past on other projects where someone accidentally blocked like an entire cell phone provider for an entire country because they weren't paying close attention. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:32, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::[[w:User:TonyBallioni/Just block the /64]] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:37, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::As it happens, Tony taught me quite a bit of what I know about range blocks. But no, I don't do range blocks as a matter of course, not even on Commons, and this is a much smaller project with much less traffic. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:45, 6 June 2022 (UTC)

== Mario and Sonic Adventures 4: Leyend of the of the Abominable Snowman ==

Can I see the revision history of the page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:35, 7 June 2022 (UTC)
* No. It's just one of our old friends. Probably a bored child on summer vacation. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:36, 7 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Can you tell me who created the page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:37, 7 June 2022 (UTC)

== Stuartjack479 ==

I think permanent block is too long, maybe three months? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:47, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
* It's a bot. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:59, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Oh. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:26, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
*::[https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Special:CentralAuth?target=Stuartjack479 Yup.] [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:37, 10 June 2022 (UTC)

== Uaeclt ==

Did you get pinged to that page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:10, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
* No. And if you're getting at what I think you're getting at, I'm not entirely too keen on being pinged every time someone drops a deletion template. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:11, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Not a deletion Template, just block request Template that should only be used if the user is being VERY diruptive. — [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:13, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*::We generally use things like categories for stuff like that. So someone can pop in, check a maintenance category, and clean it out of they have time. If I'm trying to resolve something at [[:c:Commons:Administrators' noticeboard]] and I'm getting 15 pings from templates on Wikiquote, I'm not going to be a happy camper. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:05, 21 June 2022 (UTC)

== Vandalism in a wiki ==

I have seen several cases of vandalism in this wiki, how can I report it?

'''Regards, Thanks.'''

[[User:Johnysnooww|Johnysnooww]] ([[User talk:Johnysnooww|talk]]) 16:05, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Johnysnooww}} You have only worked on a single page. The article has been nominated for deletion. At the conclusion of the discussion, an administrator will assess the community consensus.
Please do not remove the template for the discussion, as this notifies members of the community that the discussion is ongoing. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:17, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== Module:Unsubst ==

Hello,

Please could you undelete [[Module:Unsubst]]? It's used in all those clean-up templates that Ilovemydoodle has been copying from wikipedia, so it is now used in hundreds of pages [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:WhatLinksHere/Module:Unsubst&amp;limit=500], which it wasn't when it was nominated for deletion. The deletion has caused &quot;no such module&quot; LUA errors to appear all over over the site, e.g. in [[2022 monkeypox outbreak]]. Thnaks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:43, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
* Don't pretend to know what all that means, but I'll take your word for it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:46, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*:Thank you, It's a rather clever module, it basically makes it impossible to substitute templates, if you substitute something which uses it it automatically unsubstitutes itself.
*:could you also undelete [[Template:Category handler]]? It's also being used in the inline cleanup tags copied from wikipedia so is currently used in 166 pages [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:WhatLinksHere/Template:Category_handler&amp;limit=500]. Thanks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:52, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*::{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:54, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*:::Thanks, much appreciated. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:58, 26 July 2022 (UTC)</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Hercules: The Legendary Journeys</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>180064</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147708</id>
      <parentid>2878368</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T20:05:15Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* External links */ -r/m Template:Tv.com show</comment>
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      <text bytes="1666" xml:space="preserve">{{tv-stub}}{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Hercules: The Legendary Journeys|Hercules: The Legendary Journeys]]''''' (1995–1999) is a [[w:television program|television series]] loosely based on Greek mythology.

==[[w:List of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys episodes#Season One (1995)|Season 1]] (1995)==
==[[w:List of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys episodes#Season Two (1995–1996)|Season 2]] (1995–1996)==
==[[w:List of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys episodes#Season Three (1996–1997)|Season 3]] (1996–1997)==
==[[w:List of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys episodes#Season Four (1997–1998)|Season 4]] (1997–1998)==
==[[w:List of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys episodes#Season Five (1998–1999)|Season 5]] (1998–1999)==
===&quot;[[w:List of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys episodes#ep101|Fade Out]]&quot; [5.20]===
:'''[[w:Ares (Hercules and Xena)|Ares]]''':&amp;nbsp; The [[secret]] to [[understanding]] [[women]] is to [[realise]] that they don't actually [[need]] [[men]].&amp;nbsp; Now, if they ever figure this out, it's a very [[sad]] [[day]] indeed.

==[[w:List of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys episodes#Season Six (1999)|Season 6]] (1999)==
===&quot;[[w:List of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys episodes#ep107|Darkness Visible]]&quot; [6.4]===
:'''[[w:Vlad the Impaler|Vlad the Impaler]]''':&amp;nbsp; Can you blame the eagle for feeding off the field mouse? One cannot deny one's nature.

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
*{{IMDb title|id=0111999|title=Hercules: The Legendary Journeys}}

[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:1990s American drama TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:American fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:Historical dramas]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Eve (American TV series)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>181411</id>
    <revision>
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      <parentid>2872733</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T20:05:41Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Enternal links */r/m Template:Tv.com show</comment>
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'''''[[w:Eve (TV series) | Eve]]''''' is an [[American]] [[sitcom]] that aired on the [[United Paramount Network|UPN]] network from [[15 September]] [[2003]] to [[11 May]] [[2006]] with 66 episodes produced spanning three seasons.&amp;nbsp; The series follows Shelly (Eve), a [[beautiful]] and [[intelligent]] [[woman]] of the new generation trying to navigate the exhilarating world of twenty-first century [[love]], [[romance]], and [[career]].

{{tv-stub}}
==Theme Song==
*She's the kind of chick who likes to look fly&lt;br&gt;Can pick up any guy with a slick rap line&lt;br&gt;Give him the eye, get the keys to the ride&lt;br&gt;And live the single life, a little teasing on the side&lt;br&gt;She's the type of chick who likes to wear fly clothes&lt;br&gt;Who rocks stilletoes, but will be ghetto&lt;br&gt;If anybody knows, let me tell you who knows&lt;br&gt;Who would spin the cashflow, let the story be told&lt;br&gt;E-V-E, how you do that?&lt;br&gt;E-V-E, how you do that?&lt;br&gt;E-V-E, how you do that?&lt;br&gt;E-V-E, how you do that?
**[[Missy Elliott]], &quot;[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gINizkiAwLE E-V-E (Theme Song)]&quot; ''The Opposite Sex''.

==[[w:List of Eve episodes#Season 1: 2003–2004|Season 1]] (2003–2004)==
===&quot;[[w:List_of_Eve_episodes#ep1|Worst First Date Ever]]&quot; [1.01]===
:'''Michelle &quot;Shelly&quot; Penelope Williams''':&amp;nbsp; [''Eve's first line'']&amp;nbsp; And next, we have Shelly W., modelling one of our ''[[sexy]]'' diva-style design originals.&amp;nbsp; Doesn't she look ''fab''!
:'''Rita Lefleur''':&amp;nbsp; She ''looks'' like she's wearing our most expensive ''dress''.
:'''Janie Egins''':&amp;nbsp; A five-thousand ''[[United States dollar|dollar]]'' dress.
:'''Donovan Brink''':&amp;nbsp; Five grand!&amp;nbsp; Does it come with [[LoJack]]?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rita''':&amp;nbsp; The only [[people]] who wear [[salmon (colour)|salmon]] are [[gay]] [[men]] and…[[salmon]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''J.&amp;nbsp;T. Hunter''':&amp;nbsp; Your dress is saying something.
:'''Shelly''':&amp;nbsp; Want me to say it [[louder]]?

==Cast==
*[[w:Eve (entertainer)|Eve]] — Shelly Williams
*[[w:Jason Winston George|Jason Winston George]] — J.&amp;nbsp;T. Hunter
*[[w:Ali Laundry|Ali Laundry]] — Rita Lefleur
*[[w:Natalie Desselle-Reid|Natalie Desselle-Reid]] — Janie Egins
*[[w:Brian Hooks|Brian Hooks]] — Nick Delaney
*[[w:Sean Maguire|Sean Maguire]] — Donovan Brink

==Enternal links==
{{Wikipedia}}
*{{imdb title|0367379|Eve}}

[[Category:UPN shows]]
[[Category:2000s American black sitcoms]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>The Steve Harvey Show</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>181416</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147711</id>
      <parentid>3056993</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T20:06:16Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Enternal links */ r/m Template:Tv.com show</comment>
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'''''[[w:The Steve Harvey Show|The Steve Harvey Show]]''''' was a sitcom that aired from [[1996]] to [[2002]] on [[w:The WB Television Network|The WB Television Network]].
:''Created by [[w:Winifred Hervey|Winifred Hervey]] and directed by [[w:Stan Lathan|Stan Lathan]].''

{{tv-stub}}
==[[w:List of The Steve Harvey Show episodes#Season 1: 1996–1997|Season 1]] (1996–1997)==
===&quot;[[w:List of The Steve Harvey Show episodes#ep1|Back To School]]&quot; [1.01]&lt;!--Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_QTrF9qtNw --&gt;===
:'''Steven &quot;Steve&quot; Hightower''':&amp;nbsp; [''opening line'']&amp;nbsp; [[High school]].&amp;nbsp; I'm Steve Hightower.&amp;nbsp; I used to have this old group, Steve Hightower and the High Tops.&amp;nbsp; Back in the day, we were the bomb, ridin' in [[limousines|limos]], [[women]] jumping up all on the stage, so much [[money]], we'd write a cheque and the ''[[bank]]'' would bounce.&amp;nbsp; But times [[change]] and suddenly we were out.&amp;nbsp; It's been tough these past few years.&amp;nbsp; I'm so broke, they cut off my ''[[refrigerator]]'' [[light]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Stanley &quot;Bullethead&quot; Kuznocki''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, Mister Hightower, how's it goin'?&amp;nbsp; My name's Stanley—Stanley Kuznocki.&amp;nbsp; They call me Bullethead, y'see, 'cause I got a [[bullet]] in my [[head]]; so, that's why they call me that.&amp;nbsp; If you need anything, I could hook you up, y'know, [[pencils]], [[pushpins]], [[erasers]]…
:'''Steve Hightower''':&amp;nbsp; Hey, let's go back to the part where you [[said]], &quot;I got a bullet in my head.&quot;

===&quot;[[w:List of The Steve Harvey Show episodes#ep2|Dead Dog Walking]]&quot; [1.02]&lt;!--Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E3P-f4sJyBo --&gt;===
:'''Steve Hightower''':&amp;nbsp; This guy walking next to me is Cedric Robinson.&amp;nbsp; He used to hang with me when me and my band, the High Tops, performed for [[Elizabeth II|the queen of England]].&amp;nbsp; And let me tell you, the ''queen'' can do the hustle like a sister.&amp;nbsp; She can suck a neck-bone dry.&amp;nbsp; I guess it's safe to say that Cedric is one of my best buddies, even if he ''did'' set me up with this [[job]] as a [[teacher]].&amp;nbsp; I'd probably ''do any''thing for this guy—except [[live]] with him.&amp;nbsp; Somethin' tells ''me'' he ain't too pleased.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cedric Jackie Robinson''':&amp;nbsp; They either cuddlin' on the [[couch]] watchin' ''[[Matlock (TV series)|Matlock]]'' or ''[[laughing|laughin']]'' 'bout how they got they [[dentures]] mixed up in the [[water]] glasses.

===&quot;[[w:List of The Steve Harvey Show episodes#ep3|Mr. Hightower's Opus]]&quot; [1.03]&lt;!--Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vKyJ8KrgnnE --&gt;===
:'''Principal Regina Grier-Maddox''':&amp;nbsp; So who did you open for, Madalyn Coleslaw and the Four Chops?

===&quot;[[w:List of The Steve Harvey Show episodes#ep4|The Rock]]&quot; [1.04]&lt;!--Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O9BVuF8oNH4 --&gt;===
:'''Steve Hightower''':&amp;nbsp; You know, this '[[teacher]]' thing is starting to grow on me, 'cept for the [[hours]].&amp;nbsp; Shoot, last time I was up this early, there were only three [[television networks|networks]], two [[Wayans family|Wayans brothers]], and [[O. J. Simpson|O.&amp;nbsp;J.]] was up for an [[NAACP Image Award|Image Award]].&amp;nbsp; And then there're the students—y'know, I finally think I'm starting to reach 'em.&amp;nbsp; They may not always like the way I do things, but at least I know I finally gained their [[respect]].

===&quot;[[w:List of The Steve Harvey Show episodes#ep5|Brush With Greatness]]&quot; [1.05]&lt;!--Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dvIMwOU2FJ8 --&gt;===
:'''Steve Hightower''':&amp;nbsp; What is this [[world]] coming to?&amp;nbsp; I pay ''my'' [[bills]] on time, I can't even get a [[thank you|''thank''-you]] card.

==[[w:List of The Steve Harvey Show episodes#Season 2: 1997–1998|Season ]] (1997–1998)==
==[[w:List of The Steve Harvey Show episodes#Season 3: 1998–1999|Season ]] (1998–1999)==
==[[w:List of The Steve Harvey Show episodes#Season 4: 1999–2000|Season ]] (1999–2000)==
==[[w:List of The Steve Harvey Show episodes#Season 5: 2000–2001|Season ]] (2000–2001)==
==[[w:List of The Steve Harvey Show episodes#Season 6: 2001–2002|Season ]] (2001–2002)==

==Cast==
===Main cast===
*[[w:Steve Harvey|Steve Harvey]] — Steven &quot;Steve&quot; Hightower
*[[w:Cedric the Entertainer|Cedric the Entertainer]] — Cedric Jackie Robinson
*[[w:Merlin Santana|Merlin Santana]] — Romeo Santana
*[[w:William Lee Scott|William Lee Scott]] — Stanley &quot;Bullethead&quot; Kuznocki
*[[w:Wendy Raquel Robinson|Wendy Raquel Robinson]] – Principal Regina Grier-Maddox
*[[w:Terri J. Vaughn|Terri J. Vaughn]] — Lovita Alizé Jenkins-Robinson (1997–2002)
*[[w:Tracy Vilar|Tracy Vilar]] — Sophia Ortiz (1996–1997)
*[[w:Netfa Perry|Netfa Perry]] — Sara (1996–1997)
*[[w:Ariyan A. Johnson|Ariyan A. Johnson]] — Aisha (1997–1998)
*[[w:Lori Beth Denberg|Lori Beth Denberg]] — Lydia Liza Guttman (1998–2002)

===Recurring cast===
*[[w:Kel Mitchell|Kel Mitchell]] — Vincent (1996–1999)
*[[w:Kenan Thompson|Kenan Thompson]] — Junior (1996–1999)
*[[w:T. K. Carter|T. K. Carter]] — T-Bone (1996–1999)
*[[w:Ronald Isley|Ronald Isley]] — Pretty Tony (1996–2001)
*Jonathan Slocumb — Clyde (1996–2001)
*[[w:The Lady of Rage|The Lady of Rage]] — Coretta &quot;The Ox&quot; Cox (1997–2000; credited during season 4 episodes as &quot;Robin Yvette&quot;)
*[[w:Wayne Wilderson|Wayne Wilderson]] — Byron (1998–2001)
*[[w:Dorien Wilson|Dorien Wilson]] — Warrington Steele (1998–1999)
*[[w:Samm Levine|Samm Levine]] — Arthur Rabinowitz (2001)
*[[w:Don &quot;D.C.&quot; Curry|Don &quot;D.C.&quot; Curry]] — T-Bone (1999–2001)
*Dwayne Adway — Jordan Maddox (2000)

==Enternal links==
{{Wikipedia}}
*{{IMDb title|0115372}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Steve Harvey Show, The}}
[[Category:WB shows]]
[[Category:1990s American black sitcoms]]
[[Category:2000s American black sitcoms]]
[[Category:1990s American high school TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American high school TV shows]]
[[Category:1990s American workplace comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American workplace comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:TV shows about educators]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Dennis the Menace (1959 TV series)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>182363</id>
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      <id>3147712</id>
      <parentid>3127497</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T20:07:23Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* External links */ r/m Template:Tv.com show</comment>
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'''''[[w:Dennis the Menace (1959 TV series)|Dennis the Menace]]''''' (1959-1963) was a sitcom, airing on CBS, about an overly helpful boy that always seems to cause chaos. 

{{tv-stub}}
== Season Three ==

=== Keep Off The Grass [3.03] ===

:''[Mr. Wilson, Henry and Dennis walk up to Officer Grant in the park.]''
:'''Mr. Wilson''': Oh officer, we'd like a word with you.
:'''Henry''': Mr. Wilson, are you sure we're doing the right thing?
:'''Mr. Wilson''': Of course I am. Justice will prevail.
:'''Officer Grant''': Hello, Mr. Mitchell. Hi Sonny. What's up?
:'''Dennis''': Mr. Wilson says I'm old enough to be a citizen!
:'''Mr. Wilson''': Never mind the boy, you just pay attention to me. Now first I'd like to point out that we are standing on the sidewalk.
:'''Officer Grant''': Well, yes I can see that.
:'''Mr. Wilson''': So don't claim that there's grass under our feet!
:'''Officer Grant''': Mr. Mitchell, what is this?
:'''Henry''': This is Mr. George Wilson. He has something to say to you.
:'''Mr. Wilson''': Oh no! You're the one who has something to say. I'm merely a bystander. Now go ahead, tell him.
:'''Henry''': Well officer, it's about this ticket you gave me.
:'''Mr. Wilson''': By which he means this totally unwarranted ticket which you had the colossal nerve to force upon!
:'''Officer Grant''': Is that what you mean sir?
:'''Henry''': Well...
:'''Mr. Wilson''': It certainly is! He thinks you're completely out of line and he resents it as any red blooded citizen would! Keep talking, Mitchell.
:'''Officer Grant''': Are you saying I didn't treat you fair?
:'''Henry''': Well officer, it just seemed to me that you could've given me a warning instead of a ticket. After all, that sign's only been there a few minutes.
:'''Officer Grant''': Well if it was up to me, I would have. But the law is the law. I don't make it, I only enforce it.
:'''Mr. Wilson''': Well he's not accepting your ticket, he's giving it right back to you! Aren't you Mitchell?
:'''Henry''': Gosh, I...
:'''Mr. Wilson''': Oh, here I'll give it back, let me. (Accidentally rips the ticket from Henry's hands then drops it on the ground)
:'''Dennis''': Jeepers dad, you're not supposed to tear up a ticket! I'll pick it right up!
:'''Mr. Wilson''': Never mind Dennis, just leave it there. All right officer! What are you going to do about that?
:'''Officer Grant''': First, I'm going to write Mr. Mitchell another ticket for walking on the grass. Then, I'm going to give him a second ticket for destroying the first one. That's interfering with an officer in the performance of his duty, you know. (starts writing Henry a third ticket.)
:'''Dennis''': Look dad, he's writing you another one. He sure can write awful fast!
:'''Officer Grant''': Throwing wastepaper on the sidewalk is against the anti-litter law, Mr. Mitchell. Does that answer your question sir?
:'''Mr. Wilson''': Oh, all right! You've won this round, but you'll be hearing from us again!

=== A Quiet Evening [3.21] ===

:'''Margaret''': Now then, we can eat, talk, play post office. What would you like to do first, Dennis?
:'''Dennis''': Find some way to get you out of my house!

== Cast ==
* [[w:Jay North|Jay North]] - Dennis Mitchell
* [[w:Herbert Anderson|Herbert Anderson]] - Henry Mitchell
* [[w:Gloria Henry|Gloria Henry]] - Alice Mitchell
* [[w:Joseph Kearns|Joseph Kearns]] - Mr. George Wilson

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title|id=0052461|title=Dennis the Menace}}

[[Category:1950s American sitcoms]]
[[Category:1960s American sitcoms]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:CBS shows]]
[[Category:TV shows about children]]
[[Category:TV shows about families]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Galaxy High</title>
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    <id>182792</id>
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      <parentid>3062182</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T20:08:16Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
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        <id>2108323</id>
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'''''[[w:Galaxy High|Galaxy High]]''''' a [[science fiction]] [[w:animated series|animated series]] that premiered on 13 September 1986 on [[w:CBS|CBS]] and ran for 13 episodes until 6 December 1986.&amp;nbsp; Episodes were rerun for the 1987 Saturday morning season. The show was about a high school in outer space, Galaxy High, where extraterrestrial species of all shapes, sizes, and colours attended.&amp;nbsp; Galaxy High participated in a student exchange program with an Earth high school, and two Earth teens, Aimee Brighttower and Doyle Cleverlobe, were selected for the programme.&amp;nbsp; Aimee is a bookworm while Doyle is a jock.&amp;nbsp; When they arrive at Galaxy High, they find it very different from Earth, both in appearance and attitude.&amp;nbsp; Aimee is valued for her intellect while Doyle is not.&amp;nbsp; Aimee helps Doyle make friends and shows how he can use his sports skills to bring glory to Galaxy High.&amp;nbsp; The show was directed and produced by Chris Columbus, and produced by Tokyo Movie Shinsata.

==&quot;[[w:Galaxy High#ep1|Welcome to Galaxy High]]&quot; [01]==
:'''Beef Bonk''':&amp;nbsp; Okay, Earth boy, I challenge you tomorrow to a game of Zuggleball!
:'''Rotten Roland''':&amp;nbsp; Humiliate him in front of the entire school, Beef!&amp;nbsp; I love it, I love it!
:[''Bonk Bunch departs'']
:'''Doyle Cleverlobe''':&amp;nbsp; What is Zuggleball?
:'''Milo DeVenus''':&amp;nbsp; It is a game where you use sticks to make goals.&amp;nbsp; It is similar to your Earth sport of hooky.
:'''Doyle''':&amp;nbsp; I think you mean hockey.
:'''Milo''':&amp;nbsp; Oh, right, hockey, thanks.&amp;nbsp; The only difference is in zuggleball, the puck is alive.

--

:''Zuggleball game. Coach Frogface is the referee''
:'''Coach Frogface''': The only rules of the games are as follows. One, the zuggle must go in the goal to score a point. Two, the first man to score three points is the winner. Other than that, anything goes!
:''Coach Frogface drops zuggle onto half-court line''
:'''Zuggle''': Hit me, hit me!
:''Doyle hits puck, which goes in goal''
:'''Coach Frogface''': Goal!
:''Forward to end of game''
:'''Coach Frogface''': Beef and Doyle have scored two points apiece. The next goal will determine the winning game, and who gets the respect of the school!
:''Beef uses stick to break Doyle's skates''
:'''Beef''': Take that, Earth boy!
:'''Doyle''': That's dirty!
:'''Coach Frogface''': That's Zuggleball!
:''Audience''
:'''Aimee''': He can do that?
:'''Milo''': Yes, other than scoring goals, there are no rules.
:'''Aimee''': No rules? Hey, I have an idea. 
:'''Aimee'''{shouting}: Doyle!
:'''Doyle''': Huh, Aimee?
:'''Aimee''': Doyle, play football!
:''Doyle picks up Zuggle and pitches it into goal''
:'''Coach Frogface''': Doyle Cleverlobe is the winner!
:''Audience applauds''

==&quot;[[w:Galaxy High#ep2|Pizza's Honor]]&quot; [02]==
:[''Bonk Bunch bullies Doyle and Milo, but the forthcoming fight is thwarted by Luigi LaBouncy, owner of the pizzeria'']
:'''Luigi LaBouncy''':&amp;nbsp; All right, all right, break it up, you all!&amp;nbsp; We got a lot of work ahead of us!&amp;nbsp; Milo, get to the kitchen and start kneading the dough; you are going to assist me in cooking the pizzas.&amp;nbsp; Doyle, energize the pizza shuttle, you are going to be making the delivery.
:'''Doyle''':&amp;nbsp; [''shocked he is being sent to the haunted planet of Tingler'']&amp;nbsp; Luigi, I cannot do this.&amp;nbsp; I have to, uh, study for final exams.
:'''Booey Bubblehead''':&amp;nbsp; But exams are five months away, aren't they?
:'''Aimee Brighttower''':&amp;nbsp; Considering Doyle's grades, he may need five months to prepare.

==&quot;[[w:Galaxy High#ep3|The Beef Who Would be King]]&quot; [03]==
:'''Aimee''':&amp;nbsp; [''after her car backfires'']&amp;nbsp; This can't be! I get a tune up every 47,000 light years.&amp;nbsp; [''car stalls'']&amp;nbsp; Well Doyle, it is all up to you.
:'''Doyle''':&amp;nbsp; [''gets his space scooter out of trunk of car'']&amp;nbsp; Nothing can stop my trusty scooter.&amp;nbsp; [''flies a short distance until scooter backfires; to himself'']&amp;nbsp; …Except for the dilithium crystals being depleted.&amp;nbsp; [''proceeds to a bus stop where two aliens are waiting'']&amp;nbsp; How much longer until the next bus?
:'''Blue Alien''':&amp;nbsp; Ten minutes, P.S.T.
:'''Doyle''':&amp;nbsp; Thanks.&amp;nbsp; Is that Pacific Standard Time?
:'''Pink Alien''':&amp;nbsp; Plutonian Standard Time.
:'''Doyle''':&amp;nbsp; [''does some mental math'']&amp;nbsp; Yikes!&amp;nbsp; That is three months Earth time!

==External links==
{{Wikipedia-inline}}
*{{IMDb title|0229405|title=Galaxy High School}}
*[http://www.toonopedia.com/galaxyhi.htm ''Galaxy High School''] at [[Don Markstein's Toonopedia]]. [http://www.webcitation.org/6awJAsqIc Archived] from the original on August 21, 2015.
*[http://www.classickidstv.co.uk/wiki/Galaxy_High ''Galaxy High''] at [http://www.classickidstv.co.uk/ ClassicKidsTV.co.uk]
*[http://www.tms-e.com TMS Entertainment (Japanese)]


[[Category:1980s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:1980s American high school TV shows]]
[[Category:Japanese TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Anime-influenced Western animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated action TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated science fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated space adventure TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:CBS shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about teenagers]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Scream Queens (2015 TV series)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>183342</id>
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      <parentid>2935162</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T20:11:11Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* External links */ r/m Template:Tv.com show</comment>
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'''''[[w:Scream_Queens_(2015_TV_series)|Scream Queens]]''''' (2015–2016) is an American horror black comedy television series, airing on the [[w:Fox_Network|Fox Network]], about a series of murders involving the Kappa Kappa Tau sorority where Chanel Oberlin is the president of Kappa.

== Season 1 ==
=== ''[[w:Pilot (Scream Queens)|Pilot]]'' [1.01] ===
:'''Chanel Oberlin''': Life is a class system.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Chanel Oberlin''': My name is Chanel Oberlin, and I am the queen of Kappa Kappa Tau.

=== ''[[w:Hell Week (Scream Queens)|Hell Week]]'' [1.02] ===

=== ''[[w:Chainsaw (Scream Queens)|Chainsaw]]'' [1.03] ===
:'''Chanel #5''': ''[to Chanel Oberlin]'' Last night I had an amazing three-some with Roger and Dodger and I realized that I'd rather focus my attention this semester on getting spit-roasted by hot frat twins than help you figure out who is murdering a bunch of dumb gashes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chanel #5''': ''[to Chanel Oberlin]'' I got Eiffel-towered by hot morons who are brothers and now I'm out. See it occurred to me that I don't really care where Chanel #2 is. You're the president which means it's your problem.

=== ''[[w:Haunted House (Scream Queens)|Haunted House]]'' [1.04] ===

=== ''[[w:Pumpkin Patch (Scream Queens)|Pumpkin Patch]]'' [1.05] ===
:'''Chanel Oberlin''': This has been the worst night of my life. My pumpkin patch was canceled because one of those idiot twins decided it'd rather to get killed than keep boning #5.

=== ''[[w:Seven Minutes in Hell|Seven Minutes in Hell]]'' [1.06] ===
:'''Jennifer''': Oh. Um, I just kinda came over here because I farted over there and it smelled bad.

=== ''[[w:Beware of Young Girls|Beware of Young Girls]]'' [1.07] ===
:'''Chanel #3''': Just so you know, I took all your clothes.
:'''Chanel #5''': It's too bad you had to die before we found out what ethnicity you are.
:'''Chad Radwell''': Godspeed, Chanel #2. God, I loved porking you so much.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chanel #2''': See, despite what you've heard, hell sucks; it's not fun. Yes, there are waterslides, but they're lined with razor blades and you splash down into a pool of boiling pee. Also, zero dinosaurs. As soon as I got there, I was like, &quot;Where are the dinosaurs?&quot; And they were like, &quot;We know. Jesus broke in and stole them.&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chanel #2''': So yesterday I marched right up to the front desk and I'm like, &quot;What do I have to do to get to Heaven?&quot; And do you know what Carl Sagan said to me? That I had to make things right with you, Chanel.
:'''Chanel Oberlin''': that's it! i'm done with this dead lying bitch. i'm done with you #2. have fun in the hell going to dinner with Osama Bin Laden.

=== ''[[w:Mommie Dearest (Scream Queens)|Mommie Dearest]]'' [1.08] ===
:'''Chanel #5''': Why are you wearing my clothes?
:'''Denise Hemphill''': The bigger question is: Why are you the same size as a 40-year-old woman?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Denise Hemphill''': I don't know what brand of G-String it is you use, but I feel like angels are flossing by butt crack
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Gigi Caldwell''': I was just about to cook us up my mother's famous falafel enchiladas. It's an old family recipe which fits perfectly with the sort of vague, enigmatic quality of my skin tone.
:'''Chanel Oberlin''': I hope you fat heifers did your homework. Zayday is the killer and that walking jawline Grace what's-her-nuts is in on it. 
:'''Chanel Oberlin''': You have to fix this, you have to prove that Zayday and that pencil neck Grace are the killers and do it fast daddy.

=== ''[[w:Ghost Stories (Scream Queens)|Ghost Stories]]'' [1.09] ===
:''[Boone appears inside Zayday's room, dressed in formal attire and holding a bouquet of flowers.; Zayday was stunned.]''
:'''Zayday Williams''': Boone? I thought you were dead. 
:'''Boone Clemens''': Yes. I am his ghost. I am ''&quot;Ghost Boone&quot;'', but you can just call me Boone. 
:'''Zayday Williams''': Nice shirt. 
:'''Boone Clemens''': ''[checks on his shirt]'' Thank you. You know what it's made out of? 
:'''Zayday Williams''': What? 
:'''Boone Clemens''': &quot;Boyfriend material.&quot;
:''[Zayday was confused.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Boone Clemens''': So listen, the afterlife is kind of a weird place. Um, I don't know if you know this about me, but... I was a pretty amazing person when I was alive. And because of that, when I got to Heaven they offered me whatever I wanted... but I said what I want more than anything... is to come back down to earth, as a ghost... and make sweet love to Zayday Williams. ''[gives the bouquet to Zayday]'' A couple times. Maybe we can even date for a little while. 
:'''Zayday Williams''': ''[coldly]'' There's just one problem.... ''[shoves the bouquet to Boone]'' I don't believe in ghosts! 
:'''Boone Clemens''': ''[chuckles]'' Well, then how do you explain me being here? 
:'''Zayday Williams''': You faked your death! 
:''[Grace appears in the room carrying clothes.]''
:'''Grace Gardner''': Hey, Zayday, have you seen my--- ''[gasps when she saw Boone alive]'' Oh, my God, Boone?! 
:'''Zayday Williams''': ''[to Grace]'' Boone is in here trying to seduce me with the oldest line in the book: he says he's a ''&quot;ghost&quot;''. 
:'''Grace Gardner''': Wait. ''[places the clothes in the bed]'' This all makes sense, Of course you would fake your own death so no one would suspect you! 
:'''Boone Clemens''': ''[surrounded by Grace and Zayday]'' Are you trying to say I'm the Red Devil Killer? Cause that's insane. 
:'''Zayday Williams''': We ''both'' know how you got this fork mark on your hand! ''[grabs Boone's hand, revealing the scar from the fork that Zayday had stabbed him earlier]'' From when I stabbed you in your evil lair. You're coming with us!
:''[Zayday and Grace grabbed Boone. They struggle as Boone barely escape through the window.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Hester Ulrich''': ''[picking up some of Chanel's clothes]'' I have to say, Chanel, I am delighted and shocked that you're letting me keep whatever clothes I want. It's really big of you, considering the whole &quot;I'm pregnant with your boyfriend's baby&quot; thing. 
:'''Chanel Oberlin''': Well, honestly, the more I thought about it, I just realized that I love Chad so much, and part of loving someone is loving every choice they make, regardless of how selfish and destructive it is, you know? 
:'''Hester Ulrich''': ''[picks up Chanel's kimono]'' Thank you, Mommy. Oh, and if you want to start calling me Mommy, now being that I'm the one that's gonna actually be the mommy, I'm totally fine with that. 
:'''Chanel #5''': Number 6, before you try on that kimono, why haven't you had any of this sushi? I mean, we got it just for you. 
:'''Hester Ulrich''': Mm, don't mind if I do! ''[eats the sushi]'' Mmm. That's so good. Mm-hmm. 
:'''Chanel #3''': Oh, and do yourself a favor. ''[shows the cheese]'' Have a little slice of that soft, unpasteurized cheese. ''[Hester eats the cheese]'' It makes any sushi that much more delicious. 
:'''Hester Ulrich''': Mmm! You're right. 
:'''Chanel Oberlin''': Oh, and, Hester, you have got to taste this champagne. ''[holds the two glasses of champagne]'' It's a special champagne with triple the alcohol and a... nicotine-y mouth feel, because it's infused with tobacco. 
:''[Hester takes the glass and sips.]''
:'''Hester Ulrich''': Mmm, De-lish!  
:''[Chanel knocks the wineglass off of Hester's hand.]''
:'''Chanel Oberlin''': Liar! 
:'''Hester Ulrich''': What the hell is going on?!
:''[Number 5 and Number 3 closes the closet doors]''
:'''Chanel Oberlin''': You're trapped in a web of lies, whore! You just had sushi, soft cheese and alcohol! Three foods that are damaging to embryos! Which means, you're not pregnant! 
:'''Hester Ulrich''': That's not true! I didn't know anything about the whole... sushi-cheese-alcohol thing! 
:'''Chanel Oberlin''': Fine! Prove it. You're not leaving this room until you've peed on every single one of these pregnancy tests! 
:''[Number 5 and Number 3 shows the thermometers to Hester.]''
:'''Hester Ulrich''': ''[chuckles]'' Hmm..., I had all three of you fooled, didn't I?! Fine! You got me, I'm not pregnant! 
:''[Chanel gasps in excitement]''
:'''Hester Ulrich''': But it doesn't matter, ''[Chanel was stunned]'' because Chad still thinks that I am and being that he already purchased our first-class airfare to the Hamptons. That means that I'll be the one attending Thanksgiving where I'll have ample opportunity to get pregnant all weekend long!
:''[Hester walks away, leaving Chanel and her minions shocked and upset.]''
:'''Chanel Oberlin''': ''[screeching]'' I'LL KILL YOU, NECKBRAAAACE!!! 
:''[Hester continues to walk off, ignoring Chanel who screams in anger and frustration. Chanel tries to follow her.]''

=== ''[[w:Thanksgiving (Scream Queens)|Thanksgiving]]'' [1.10] ===
:'''Chanel Oberlin''': Hester, I owe you an apology. Yes, I did push you down the stairs in an attempt to murder you and your fake unborn baby. And while my motivations were airtight and my conscience clear, still, I'm sorry. You, Chanel #6, are my sister, and that bond is stronger than some silly little attempt on your life.
:'''Hester Ulrich''': Thank you.
:'''Chanel Oberlin''': And furthermore, I'm sorry that you had to sit through the most mean-spirited game of ''[[w:Pictionary|Pictionary]]'' in the history of ''Pictionary''! I mean, no one deserves to be spoken to like that, particularly not by what is, without a doubt, the most awful family in America! Chad, your leathery excuse for a mother looks like an ostrich-hide clutch from last season that somehow learned to talk. And, Mr. Radwell, I have never seen anyone spend so much money to make a house look this tacky! I've honestly seen more tasteful decor at a [[w:Sizzler|Sizzler]]. And you, Thad, have a bright future ahead of you in the sex offender wing of a supermax prison! ''[to Brad]'' And you, sir, give the kind, hard-working, deeply moral people who work in such a wonderful industry as Hollywood a bad name! And, Chad Radwell, whatever we had between us is over! I am walking out that door and never speaking to you again.
:'''Chad Radwell''': You know you say that a lot, right?
:'''Chanel Oberlin''': Well, consider this coming to my senses, because no woman in her right mind would want anything to do with this family! So goodbye, Chad. Goodbye forever.

=== ''[[w:Black Friday (Scream Queens)|Black Friday]]'' [1.11] ===
:'''Chanel #5''': Chanel is right. All they're gonna do is look at Gigi's severed, roasted head and say that they have no proof that it is in any way related to the killings at campus
:'''Chanel Oberlin''': Shut up, Number Five! When you agree with me it makes me question whether I actually agree with me.
=== ''[[w:Dorkus|Dorkus]]'' [1.12] ===
:'''Pete Martinez''': If you gaze long enough into an abyss, that abyss will gaze back into you. That is Nietzsche too, Grace.
:'''Grace Gardner''': You're quoting Nietzsche? You’re already a murderer, Pete. You don’t have to be a douche as well!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Chanel Oberlin''': ATTENTION ALL USELESS KAPPA SLUTS – Congratulations! If you’re reading this it means you’ve overcome the limitations of your tiny manatee brains and opened an email. Now if you’re asking yourself “DERR, wait, I’m confused. Is Chanel talking to me? Am I a useless Kappa slut?&quot; Simply ask yourself the following question aloud: &quot;IS MY NAME CHANEL #3, CHANEL #5, CHANEL #6 or ZAYDAY WILLIAMS?” If the answer to that is YES then FELICITATIONS! THIS MISSIVE IS FOR YOU! So, do you all remember when we agreed to meet at the campus pool and kill the Dean and I got you all awesome new phones so that when it came time to meet, the phone would light up a certain color, and when it did, you didn’t even have to answer it? You just had to come meet at the aforementioned pool? And then do you remember NOT coming to the pool, despite me making it super easy for you by concocting a plan so simple that an orangutan could have figured it out? Like, literally a circus ape of moderate intelligence could have looked down at the phone sticking out of the single pocket in the front of his comical lederhosen and seen it light up and used his short little legs to waddle over to his tiny motorized shriners car and driven to the pool like I asked. Do you remember any aspect of this SUPER SIMPLE PLAN? That’s not a rhetorical question. I’m literally asking if your tiny slut brains have the power to process ANY OF MY SUPER-SIMPLE ORANGUTAN LEVEL INSTRUCTIONS! Because what I remember is that NONE OF YOU SHOWED UP! Which meant I had to sit at that stupid pool by myself like a GRADE-A ASSHAT with a bag full of enormous chains to drown Dean Munsch with and then have a super awkward convo with her where I was like “OH DURR I JUST LIKE BRING ENORMOUS CHAINS TO POOLS” and I looked like a total div. I don’t entirely know what you whores could have been doing that was more important than helping your chapter president drown a serial killer, but unless that thing you were doing was getting enemas of pure liquid gold at a new local establishment called &quot;LIQUID GOLD COLONICS FOR YOUNG SLUTS&quot;, like, if you were doing LITERALLY ANYTHING else, you all should seriously consider doing the human race a favor and getting sterilized. I’m not being facetious, I literally think you should consider undergoing a surgical procedure to remove your ovaries, thereby sparing human race exposure to your DNA. You four trollops ARE THE WORST SPECIMEN OF HUMAN BEINGS EVER BORN and you should all REALLY watch your backs, because if this serial killer targeting Kappa house doesn’t chop off your heads, I'M GOING TO DO IT! So I can sell your tiny whore brain pans to science.&lt;br&gt;Sincerely,&lt;br&gt;Chanel Oberlin.

=== ''[[w:The Final Girl(s)|The Final Girl(s)]]'' [1.13] ===
:'''Hester Ulrich''': Even though I only ate asylum food and never really exercised, I was blessed with a super tight bod. My butt could launch a thousand ships, and my boobs were remarkably perky and even. Couple that with my BJ lips, and I was gonna need something pretty spectacular to keep everyone from wanting to get all up in this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Hester Ulrich''': Oh, more than some, Dean. I-I read your best-selling New York Times book three times. Th-These kids were martyrs for a much bigger cause. 
:'''Dean Cathy Munsch''': I know it was you, Hester. I remember that little girl's face in the bathroom that night. Burned into my memory, like Joe Theismann's injury and Two Girls One Cup. I remember every detail of her little face. And I certainly would know what she would look like all grown up. 
:'''Hester Ulrich''': It's not my fault that all of that happened to me. You see how awesome Wes is. He would've been my dad. I would've had a good life. Maybe if I would've had a real dad, my brother wouldn't have turned into such a douche. Maybe family trips to ski in Innsbruck or to Williamstown to see Tim Daly in Death of a Salesman would've turned me into a much more sane young woman. But that didn't happen. And I can't be blamed for the painful circumstances of my upbringing. 
:'''Dean Cathy Munsch''': No, but those kids died. They're dead. And that is your fault. 
:'''Hester Ulrich''': I didn't kill any of these kids. Except for Pete, but he's a killer, so that's allowed. 
:'''Dean Cathy Munsch''': By the state, Hester. After a trial and lengthy appeals and using drugs that are mostly painless. 
:'''Hester Ulrich''': It all worked out, Dean. And I'm never gonna kill again. As long as I'm not texting and driving. Everyone got what they wanted. And even if the Chanels didn't actually kill any of these people, they perpetuated the system that created me and my brother, Pete and Gigi. So if anyone should pay for this, it should be them. 
:'''Dean Cathy Munsch''': I also have a conscience, and a responsibility to all those dead kids, that their killer be brought to justice. So I am gonna turn you in, Hester. 
:'''Hester Ulrich''': Then I'm gonna turn you in, for covering up the murder of my mother and killing your ex-husband.... Or we could just say we're good... and move on. To our very happy and successful best-selling lives.

== Cast ==
* [[Emma Roberts]] - Chanel Oberlin
* [[w:Skyler Samuels|Skyler Samuels]] - Grace Gardner
* [[Lea Michele]] - Hester Ulrich / Chanel #6
* [[w:Glen Powell|Glen Powell]] - Chad Radwell
* [[w:Diego Boneta|Diego Boneta]] - Pete Martinez
* [[w:Abigail Breslin|Abigail Breslin]] - Libby Putney / Chanel #5
* [[w:Keke Palmer|Keke Palmer]] - Zayday Williams
* [[w:Oliver Hudson|Oliver Hudson]] -  Weston Gardner
* [[w:Nasim Pedrad|Nasim Pedrad]] - Gigi Caldwell
* [[w:Lucien Laviscount|Lucien Laviscount]] - Earl Grey 
* [[w:Billie Lourd|Billie Lourd]] - Sadie Swenson / Chanel #3
* [[Jamie Lee Curtis]] - Dean Cathy Munsch

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=4145384|title=Scream Queens}}
* {{Official website|http://www.fox.com/scream-queens}}

[[Category:2010s American black comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American LGBT-related comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American horror TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American mystery TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American satirical TV shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:College TV shows]]
[[Category:FOX shows]]
[[Category:Horror comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:TV shows about death]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Batman: The Brave and the Bold</title>
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      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
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'''''[[w:Batman: The Brave and the Bold|Batman: The Brave and the Bold]]''''' (2008 - 2011) is an American animated television series based in part on the [[w:DC Comics|DC Comics]] series ''[[w:The Brave and the Bold|The Brave and the Bold]]'' which features two or more super heroes coming together to solve a crime or foil a super villain. As the title suggests, the cartoon focuses on Batman's regular &quot;team-ups&quot; with various heroes similar to the most well-known version of the original comic book series. 

== Season 1 ==
=== ''The Rise of the Blue Beetle!'' [1.01] ===
:'''Batman''': What is this now, the fifth or sixth deathtrap I've been tied up to because of you over the years? Ridiculous!
:'''Green Arrow''': Hey, I said I was sorry. Up and to the right. Who knew his wristwatch was equipped with knockout gas? What, like you've never made a mistake, Bats?
:'''Batman''': Apparently I made one when I thought you could help me stop the Clock King.
:'''Green Arrow''': You keep complaining. It gives me more time to show you up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jaime Reyes''': Okay, okay, here's one. Poison Ivy has used her mind-control spores on Superman to pit him against Batman. Oh, oh! And Batman has no kryptonite. Who wins?
:'''Paco''': Easy. Superman.
:'''Jaime Reyes''': Wrong. Batman, by using his kryptonite.
:'''Paco''': You just said he has no kryptonite.
:'''Jaime Reyes''': Trick question. Batman always has kryptonite.

=== ''Terror on Dinosaur Island!'' [1.02] ===
:'''Plastic Man''': Are you seeing what I'm seeing? Because I'm seeing gorillas riding pterodactyls, with harpoon guns, stealing a boat.
:'''Batman''': It's Gorilla Grodd.
:'''Plastic Man''': It's messed up is what it is.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': You amuse me, Batman. You dress as an animal. You battle against the worst of humanity, the vile underbelly that only seeks to destroy. You should join my noble cause.
:'''Batman''': My only cause is to send you back to the zoo.

=== ''Evil Under the Sea!'' [1.03] ===
:'''Aquaman''': And that's how I recovered the stolen statue. I call that &quot;The Mystery of the Stolen Statue.&quot; &quot;The Secret of the Mechanical Sea Monster.&quot; &quot;Coral Reef Rescue.&quot; And the time I wore an eye patch to infiltrate a crew if pirates, I call that…
:'''Batman''': &quot;Aquaman's Undercover Adventure.&quot;
:'''Aquaman''': No. &quot;The Time I Wore an Eye Patch to Infiltrate a Crew of Pirates.&quot; What you said is good, too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aquaman''': Outrageous! I knew you had a hero inside you looking for a way out.
:'''Orm Marius''': It was easy. Every time I smashed the machine, I just imagined it was your face.
:'''Aquaman''': Oh. Well. Good job.

=== ''Day of the Dark Knight!'' [1.04] ===
:'''Green Arrow''': Okay, Doc, where are we?
:'''Merlin''': Better to ask, &quot;When are we?&quot; It is the fifth century A.D., the place is Britain, and I… am Merlin Ambrosius.
:'''Green Arrow''': No, really, where are we?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Green Arrow''': That's fourteen for me, Bats.
:'''Batman''': We're fighting for our lives against a horde of supernatural creatures. This isn't the time for infantile games. ''[takes down a monster]'' Fifteen.

=== ''Invasion of the Secret Santas!'' [1.05] ===
:'''Red Tornado''': Merry Christmas, Batman.
:'''Batman''': Now's not the time, Red Tornado.
:'''Red Tornado''': But isn't Christmas tomorrow?
:'''Batman''': Not what I mean. Tornado, behind you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Thomas Wayne''': Merry, Christmas, son. Let's see what Santa brought you.
:'''Young Bruce Wayne''': Based on the dimensions, and weight of the package, and the sound of what's inside, I think I've deduced exactly what it is!
:'''Thomas Wayne''': Our little detective.

=== ''Enter the Outsiders!'' [1.06] ===
:'''Wildcat''': You and your gizmos. Come on, we should be on the chase, not playing mad scientist.
:'''Batman''': You know, nowadays, there's more to fighting crime than a thick skull and fists. And I wouldn't need to track them with gizmos if I didn't have to bail you out while they got away - twice!
:'''Wildcat''': And who says I needed you to bail me out?! You know, I've been doing this since you were in bat-diapers, and I've gotten along just fine!
:'''Batman''': You're right - you ''have'' been doing this a long time. Maybe ''too'' long.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wildcat''': This is my fault. The world's changed around me, and I'm still the same as I've always been--all fists, no brains. You were right. I should have retired a long time ago.
:'''Batman''': If I wanted you to retire, it's because you've been like a father to me. And I didn't want to lose another one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Slug''': I'll pound you into dust!
:'''Wildcat''': I'd better turn up my hearing aid, because all I can hear is you sucking wind.

=== ''Dawn of the Dead Man!'' [1.07] ===
:'''Batman''': Revenge is a poison that rots a man from within.
:'''Gentleman Ghost''': No, my friend. Revenge is a fire that keeps me warm in the eternal cold of the grave.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Speedy''': Ohh, what's going on?
:'''Green Arrow''': You were doing a Batman impersonation.
:'''Speedy''': Gosh, huh, I was?
:'''Green Arrow''': And not a very good one. Observe the master. ''[in deep voice]'' I am vengeance. I am the night. I am Batman. And these are my hammers for justice.

=== ''Fall of the Blue Beetle'' [1.08] ===
:'''Blue Beetle II''': People just don't appreciate the time and expense that goes into this high-tech gear. They'd rather see fisticuffs.
:'''Batman''': True. Uppercuts and bodyslams are no substitute for having the proper tools when it comes to crimefighting. But they are a whole lot more fun.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': But being chosen doesn't make you a hero. What you choose does.

=== ''Journey to the Center of the Bat!'' [1.09] ===
:'''Aquaman''': But how small are we?
:'''Atom''': About 15 microns. Small enough to slip between Batman's cells without damage. And uhh, that's Batman's cilia you're hanging from.
:'''Aquaman''': Cilia and sillier!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Atom''': As we travel through the villi, the CP4 barium sonar wave will indicate any monoclinic phylosilicates in our vicinity.
:'''Aquaman''': English, man, English!
:'''Atom''': Uhh, this little doohickey beeps when the cooties are near.
:'''Aquaman''': Ahh, I... cooties, yes.

=== ''The Eyes of Despero!'' [1.10] ===
:'''Wotan''': Without your helmet, Fate, you are defenseless. (''laughs maniacally'')
:'''Dr. Fate''': (''punching him'') I'd call those boxing lessons I got from Bats a pretty good defense.
:'''Batman''': Told you. it's not the helmet, it's the man.
:'''Dr. Fate''': Maybe. But I prefer helmets to haymakers any day.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cavalier''': Batman! If thou thinketh thou can stop me, then have at thee!
:'''Batman''': (thinking) Somewhere, Shakespeare is spinning in his grave.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''G'nort''': Okay, okay, all I gotta do is say the oath and save the world. I can't remember it! Ohh, no, no, sure I can. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I got it. &quot;In sunniest day, in cloudiest night, no bad guy shall escape my bite...&quot; Oh no, that's not it!

=== ''Return of the Fearsome Fangs'' [1.11] ===
:'''Jonah Hex''': Well, I suppose you'll be wanting a share of the bounty for these here outlaws.
:'''Batman''': Keep it. I fight for justice, not money.
:'''Jonah Hex''': At least take this and get yourself a proper cowboy hat. I can't be partnering up with someone who parades around in that ridiculous bat getup.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bronze Tiger''': You're outmatched.
:'''Batman''': Maybe. But you left the school before learning Wong Fei's most important lesson: when outmatched, cheat.

=== ''Deep Cover for Batman!'' [1.12] ===
:'''Scarlet Scarab''': Totally. The others don't know what I'm capable of. One day I'll show them. I've got the true heart of a hero.
:'''Batman''': ''[thinking]'' Hero? A possible ally?
:'''Scarlet Scarab''': I keep it in a big jar at the back of my closet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Scarlet Scarab''': Plan &quot;B&quot;? But guys, you can't be serious about using Cyclone's bomb to wipe out their entire planet.
:'''Blue Bowman''': And why not?
:'''Scarlet Scarab''': Because after that, what other crime could possibly taste as sweet?

=== ''Game Over for Owlman!'' [1.13] ===
:'''Joker''': Tsk, tsk, tsk, Batman. Our game was so simple--brooding hero, dashing devil-may care villain. I strap you to a drill press, you lock me in a rubber room, and it's fits and giggles till Aunt Fannie comes home.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': We'll make the bestest team ever! Joker and Batman! ''[Batman frowns]'' Fine, Batman and Joker. Take top billing, but why is it always me compromising for the sake of the act?

=== ''Mystery in Space!'' [1.14] ===
:'''Saradath''': Welcome, Aquaman. If the most brilliant strategist on Earth sees fit to bring you to Rann in our hour of need, you'll doubtless prove an invaluable ally.
:'''Aquaman''': Oh, how I wish that were true.
:(''everyone stares'')
:'''Batman''': He's not feeling well.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aquaman''': How's your aim, Batman?
:'''Batman''': Impeccable.
:'''Aquaman''': We'll see about that. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. And you. Are you willing to face impossible odds to save the woman you love?
:'''Adam Strange''': Of course.
:'''Aquaman''': Good answer.

=== ''Trials of the Demon'' [1.15] ===
:'''Dr. Watson''': Evidence does seem heavily stacked against Blood.
:'''Sherlock Holmes''': What did I tell you about being an imbecile?
:'''Dr. Watson''': To... stop?
:'''Sherlock Holmes''': Precisely.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': Sherlock Holmes, I presume?
:'''Sherlock Holmes''': How did you deduce my identity so quickly?
:'''Batman''': The hat.

=== ''Night of the Huntress'' [1.16] ===
:'''Batman''': Listen, Beetle. Women are a tricky, tricky business. You have to decipher nearly incomprehensible code. You push the right buttons, get past their firewalls. Only if you can do all that will you find what you're looking for.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Huntress''': Way to go, rookie.
:'''Blue Beetle''': I'm sorry, but your hotness distracted me.

=== ''Menace of the Conqueror Caveman!'' [1.17] ===
:'''Booster Gold''': Skeets, old buddy, you know what I got to do?
:'''Skeets''': I know what you should do, sir.
:'''Booster Gold''': I gotta team up with Batman!
:'''Skeets''': Or that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': How did you track me here?
:'''Booster Gold''': In the 25th century, the Batcave's a historical attraction. With a roller coaster. In 400 years or so, I'm gonna hurk right up there.

=== ''The Color of Revenge!'' [1.18] ===
:'''Crazy Quilt''': Cowards! Step forth, and submit to my genius!
:'''Young Robin''': Holy delusion of grandeur, Batman. I think Quilt is a few colors short of a rainbow!
:'''Batman''': He needs to be taught to stay between the lines.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': Well done, old chum.
:'''Robin''': Thanks. I'm glad you finally have faith I can do things on my own.
:'''Batman''': I've always had faith in you, Robin. That's why I trusted you to work the streets of Bludhaven solo.
:'''Robin''': Well, I learned from the best.

=== ''Legends of the Dark Mite!'' [1.19] ===
:'''Batman''': You're not from around here, are you?
:'''Bat-Mite''': I'm from the fifth dimension. Beings from my realm have powers that you 3-Ds take for magical.
:'''Batman''': A friend of mine in Metropolis told me about menaces like you.
:'''Bat-Mite''': I'm not a menace. You're my hero!
:'''Batman''': Green Arrow's going to love this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bat-Mite''': Yes, you've got a question?
:'''Fanboy''': I always felt Batman was best suited to the role of gritty urban crime detective, but now you guys have got him up against Santas, and Easter bunnies? I'm sorry, but that's not my Batman!
:'''Panel Member''': (''hands Bat-Mite a piece of paper'') Here, read this.
:'''Bat-Mite''': &quot;Batman's rich history allows him to be interpreted in a multitude of ways. To be sure, this is a lighter incarnation, but is certainly no less valid and true to the character's roots then the tortured avenger, crying out for mommy and daddy.&quot; And besides, those Easter bunnies looked really scary, right?

=== ''Hail the Tornado Tyrant!'' [1.20] ===
:'''Tornado Champion''': But why is there evil in the world?
:'''Red Tornado''': Human philosophers have endeavored to answer that question for thousands of years, Son, and have yet to find an adequate answer.
:'''Tornado Champion''': Do you have an answer, Father?
:'''Red Tornado''': No answers. Just an observation: human kindness is far preferable to human cruelty.
:'''Tornado Champion''': Why is it preferable?
:'''Red Tornado''': Because.
:'''Tornado Champion''': &quot;Because&quot; is not a logical answer, Father.
:'''Red Tornado''': Perhaps not, but based upon my studies of humankind, it is the only answer.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': There's a difference between justice and revenge.
:'''Tornado Champion''': The difference is that﻿ revenge is more efficient.
:'''Batman''': The difference is morality.
:'''Tornado Champion''': Morality!? I am above human morality!!

=== ''Duel of the Double Crossers!'' [1.21] ===
:'''Batman''': Listen, strength comes in numbers. We can survive this if we work together.
:'''Arges''': Yeah? The guy in the last battle said the same thing.
:'''Batman''': How'd that work out for him?
:'''Gordanian''': Ask him yourself. (''points out a pile of broken armor'')
:'''Batman''': ...right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lashina''': You gonna shoot an unarmed opponent?
:'''Jonah Hex''': Fair's fair.
:'''Lashina''': Besides, hand-to-hand combat is so much more... personal.
:'''Jonah Hex''': You can tell a lot about a fellow by the way he fights.
:'''Lashina''': So, what do you know about this fella?
:'''Jonah Hex''': Give me a few more swings, and maybe I'll tell ya.

=== ''Last Bat on Earth!'' [1.22] ===
:'''Mister Miracle''': Pretty good tandem escape, eh, honey?
:'''Big Barda''': You know what would be a real miracle? If you finally clean out the garage.
:'''Batman''': Guess there's one trap you can't escape form.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Professor Carter Nichols''': This beacon will allow the time ray to find you in the time stream and return you to the present.
:'''Batman''': In other words, don't lose it.

=== ''When OMAC Attacks!'' [1.23] ===
:'''Equinox''': ''[to Batman]'' They say the flapping wings of a single butterfly can stir a wind on the other side of the world. Ever wonder what impact your little bat wings have on this world?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': Destroying one city doesn't make up for the destruction of another, Equinox.
:'''Equinox''': The universe requires equilibrium. Without it, everything deteriorates into chaos. You of all people should appreciate my efforts. You maintain equal parts of dark and light. It's what makes you such a formidable opponent.

=== ''The Fate of Equinox'' [1.24] ===
:'''Dr. Fate''': Will you hear our pleas?
:'''Batman''': Listen. we've got major problems!
:'''Typhon''': There's more than a little chaos in this one, Nabu. I like him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Fate''': With your permission, I'll borrow all your powers and skills, in the faint hope that combined into a single hero, they may give one of us the necessary edge to defeat Equinox.
:'''Plastic Man''': So who gets the powers?
:'''Aquaman''': A battle royale against insurmountable odds? A clash of titans? My friends, the choice is clear.
:'''Batman''': Fate gets the powers. Only he has the discipline to control such a force.
:'''Aquaman''': I was... going to say that.

=== ''Mayhem of the Music Meister'' [1.25] ===
:'''Batman''': Your show's about to have a long intermission, Music Meister. Twenty years to life!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Black Canary''': Since the day's been saved, what do you say we grab a bite?
:'''Batman''': Sorry. Crime doesn't take dinner breaks and neither do I.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
== Lyrics ==
'''Green Arrow:''' Then it sounds to me like it's time to rumble!&lt;br /&gt;
'''Black Manta:''' Indeed, but it is you who will take the ''tumble...''&lt;br /&gt;
'''Black Canary:''' I'm sorry, hon, but did you just sing that?&lt;br /&gt;
'''Black Manta:''' Of course I did ''not! ''Wait, yes I ''did!''&lt;br /&gt;
''I'm sounding shrill against my will, and cannot stop this singing!''&lt;br /&gt;
'''Aquaman:''' ''And in my ears, I swear I hear a quite distinctive ringing!''&lt;br /&gt;
'''Gorilla Grodd:''' ''This silly game is very lame, and someone's going to pay!''&lt;br /&gt;
'''Black Canary:''' ''An unknown force, but where's the source that has us in its sway?''&lt;br /&gt;
'''Clock King:''' ''Who is doing this to us? And on this, we must concur;''&lt;br /&gt;
'''All Villains: '''They're dastardly, despicable, disturbingly inexplicable...&lt;br /&gt;
'''Gorilla Grodd:''' ''And imminently kickable!''&lt;br /&gt;
'''All: '''''That dirty, rotten rat is...''

'''Music Meister:'' '''''&lt;nowiki/&gt;''The Music Meister!''&lt;br /&gt;
''Put down your arms, my friends, your arrows, guns, and swords,''&lt;br /&gt;
''Your resistance to my charm now ends, when I belt these power chords!''&lt;br /&gt;
''Good guys or bad guys, it doesn't really matter;''&lt;br /&gt;
''You are all just slaves to my hypnotic patter!''&lt;br /&gt;
''As I regale you with my story, you'll know you have no choice,''&lt;br /&gt;
''But to do my evil bidding, when you hear this booming voice!''&lt;br /&gt;
''Oh, I'm the Music Meister!''

'''All:''''' He's the Music Meister!'' ''And everyone just fawns!''&lt;br /&gt;
''He's the Music Meister, and we are all his pawns!''

'''Music Meister: '''''And so for me, it's destiny 'to be the maestro of villainy!''&lt;br /&gt;
''Yes I'm the Music Meister, and I'm here to settle the score!''

'''Music Meister:''' You see, I too have plans for this satellite!&lt;br /&gt;
And now that I've established who's in charge...GET TO WORK!

'''Batman:''' Well, that's not something you see every day...

'''Music Meister:''' ''The bullies used to pick on me because I sang in choir,''&lt;br /&gt;
''But something very strange occurred when I kept singing higher!''&lt;br /&gt;
''The ruffians around me quickly fell into a trance,''&lt;br /&gt;
''And it was then with wicked glee I made those puppets dance!''&lt;br /&gt;
''I'm the Music Meister!''

'''All: '''''He's the Music Meister, and everyone just fawns!''&lt;br /&gt;
''He's the Music Meister, and we are all his pawns!''

'''Music Meister:''' ''I'm the Music Meister! Crime became my path!''

'''Black Canary: '''''He's the Music Meister, and we must beware his wrath!''

'''Music Meister: '''That voice! Beautiful!

'''Music Meister &amp; Black Canary:''' (Exchange of pitches until Black Canary hits her sonic scream pitch and blasts the Music Meister)

'''Batman:''' The fiend! His voice can hit a pitch that hypnotically controls anyone who hears it!&lt;br /&gt;This concerto of crime is over!

'''Music Meister:''' Batman! I'm sorry, but my work's not quite done yet!&lt;br /&gt;
''You better tow the line you see, because your wills belong to me.''&lt;br /&gt;
''And now my friends, you have the chance... To show Them now how well you dance!''&lt;br /&gt;
''And now that The knights been delayed, your usefulness has passed,''&lt;br /&gt;
A distraction is what I need, so kick into that blast!&lt;br /&gt;
''Oh, I'm the Music Meister! I cannot help but boast!''

'''All: '''''He's the Music Meister, under his spell we're toast!''

'''Music Meister: '''''I'm the Music Meister, I've won the day, now I must fly!''&lt;br /&gt;
''I'm the Music Meister, and I'm here to settle the score!''

== Lyrics ==
'''Green Arrow:''' Then it sounds to me like it's time to rumble!&lt;br /&gt;
'''Black Manta:''' Indeed, but it is you who will take the ''tumble...''&lt;br /&gt;
'''Black Canary:''' I'm sorry, hon, but did you just sing that?&lt;br /&gt;
'''Black Manta:''' Of course I did ''not! ''Wait, yes I ''did!''&lt;br /&gt;
''I'm sounding shrill against my will, and cannot stop this singing!''&lt;br /&gt;
'''Aquaman:''' ''And in my ears, I swear I hear a quite distinctive ringing!''&lt;br /&gt;
'''Gorilla Grodd:''' ''This silly game is very lame, and someone's going to pay!''&lt;br /&gt;
'''Black Canary:''' ''An unknown force, but where's the source that has us in its sway?''&lt;br /&gt;
'''Clock King:''' ''Who is doing this to us? And on this, we must concur;''&lt;br /&gt;
'''All Villains: '''They're dastardly, despicable, disturbingly inexplicable...&lt;br /&gt;
'''Gorilla Grodd:&amp;nbsp;'''''And imminently kickable!''&lt;br /&gt;
'''All: '''''That dirty, rotten rat is...''

'''Music Meister:'' '''''&lt;nowiki/&gt;''The Music Meister!''&lt;br /&gt;
''Put down your arms, my friends, your arrows, guns, and swords,''&lt;br /&gt;
''Your resistance to my charm now ends, when I belt these power chords!''&lt;br /&gt;
''Good guys or bad guys, it doesn't really matter;''&lt;br /&gt;
''You are all just slaves to my hypnotic patter!''&lt;br /&gt;
''As I regale you with my story, you'll know you have no choice,''&lt;br /&gt;
''But to do my evil bidding, when you hear this booming voice!''&lt;br /&gt;
''Oh, I'm the Music Meister!''

'''All:''''' He's the Music Meister!'' ''And everyone just fawns!''&lt;br /&gt;
''He's the Music Meister, and we are all his pawns!''

'''Music Meister: '''''And so for me, it's destiny 'to be the maestro of villainy!''&lt;br /&gt;
''Yes I'm the Music Meister, and I'm here to settle the score!''

'''Music Meister:''' You see, I too have plans for this satellite!&lt;br /&gt;
And now that I've established who's in charge...GET TO WORK!

'''Batman:''' Well, that's not something you see every day...

'''Music Meister:''' ''The bullies used to pick on me because I sang in choir,''&lt;br /&gt;
''But something very strange occurred when I kept singing higher!''&lt;br /&gt;
''The ruffians around me quickly fell into a trance,''&lt;br /&gt;
''And it was then with wicked glee I made those puppets dance!''&lt;br /&gt;
''I'm the Music Meister!''

'''All: '''''He's the Music Meister, and everyone just fawns!''&lt;br /&gt;
''He's the Music Meister, and we are all his pawns!''

'''Music Meister:''' ''I'm the Music Meister! Crime became my path!''

'''Black Canary: '''''He's the Music Meister, and we must beware his wrath!''

'''Music Meister: '''That voice! Beautiful!

'''Music Meister &amp; Black Canary:''' (Exchange of pitches until Black Canary hits her sonic scream pitch and blasts the Music Meister)

'''Batman:''' The fiend! His voice can hit a pitch that hypnotically controls anyone who hears it!&lt;br /&gt;This concerto of crime is over!

'''Music Meister:''' Batman! I'm sorry, but my work's not quite done yet!&lt;br /&gt;
''You better tow the line you see, because your wills belong to me.''&lt;br /&gt;
''And now my friends, you have the chance... To show Batman how well you dance!''&lt;br /&gt;
''And now that Batman's been delayed, your usefulness has passed,''&lt;br /&gt;
A distraction is what I need, so kick into that blast!&lt;br /&gt;
''Oh, I'm the Music Meister! I cannot help but boast!''

'''All: '''''He's the Music Meister, under his spell we're toast!''

'''Music Meister: '''''I'm the Music Meister, I've won the day, now I must fly!''&lt;br /&gt;
''I'm the Music Meister, and I'm here to settle the score!''

=== ''Inside the Outsiders!'' [1.26] ===
:'''Batman''': You've let larceny taint your loveliness, Catwoman.
:'''Catwoman''': My pets will soon silence that tone of insolence... did you say &quot;lovely&quot;?
:'''Green Arrow''': Less talk, more utility belt. Are you even listening to me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Green Arrow''': Wait a minute. Are you two flirting?
:'''Catwoman''': Aw, always trying to declaw me, Batman, which is why I must clip your wings... permanently.
:'''Batman''': Not if I collar you first.
:'''Green Arrow''': You are! You're flirting. Flirterers!

== Season 2 ==

=== ''Long Arm of the Law'' [2.01] ===
:'''Plastic Man''': Do you swear allegiance to the side of goodness and right?
:'''Woozy Winks''': I do.
:'''Plastic Man''': Will you strike terror into cowardly and superstitious criminals everywhere?
:'''Woozy Winks''': I will.
:'''Plastic Man''': Will you pit your prodigious strength and keen intellect against the forces of darkness as my crime-fighting apprentice?
:'''Woozy Winks''': Sure, Plas, whatever you say.
:'''Plastic Man''': In that case, Woozy Winks, by the power I've invested in me, I make you my duly deputized sidekick.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': Woozy.
:'''Woozy Winks''': No, Bats, I'm fine, thanks to you.
:'''Batman''': No, I meant you're Woozy.
:'''Woozy Winks''': No, really, never been better.
:'''Batman''': ''[thinking]'' Sidekicks.

=== ''Revenge of the Reach!'' [2.02] ===
:'''Guy Gardner''': In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight. Let those who worship evil's might beware my power, Green Lantern's light.
:'''Blue Beetle''': Poetry?
:'''Guy Gardner''': A sacred oath. That's what I stand for, Bug Boy. What do you stand for? (''Jaime says nothing'') That's what I thought.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Scarab''': Sorry, Jaime. We must submit to the will of the Reach.
:'''Jaime Reyes''': No! We have to make our own choices, use our own will! We're stronger then the Reach, but only together! Me and you, the best team ever!
:'''Scarab''': We are the Reach.
:'''Jaime Reyes''': No. We are the Blue Beetle!

=== ''Death Race to Oblivion!'' [2.03] ===
:'''Blockbuster''': Any last words, kid?
:'''Billy Batson''': Just one: Shazam! (''changes into Captain Marvel'')
:'''Blockbuster''': Huh? Where kid go?
:'''Captain Marvel''': I'll look into that. Right after I do this. (''punches Blockbuster'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Green Arrow''': Now hustle. We don't have much time. Move it, team.
:'''Joker''': Yoo hoo. Hero boys! Forget someone?
:'''All''': No!

=== ''Aquaman's Outrageous Adventure!'' [2.04] ===
:'''Planet Master''': Feel the strength of Jupiter. The speed of Mercury. The cold of Pluto.
:'''Blue Beetle''': Newsflash. Pluto isn't considered a planet any more.
:'''Planet Master''': Insolence!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mera''': Why are we going to Gotham?
:'''Aquaman''': Because, my precious coral, Gotham City is one of the continent's oldest and most historic surface settlements. It's a center of world art, culture, and commerce. (''gunshots in the distance'') Windows up!
:'''Mera''': You're here to see Batman, aren't you?
:'''Aquaman''': What? Is this where Batman lives? I had no idea.

=== ''The Golden Age of Justice!'' [2.05] ===
:'''Batman''': The jig's up, False-Face. You'll find behind prison bars that the truth hurts. Excellent detective work, old chum.
:'''Detective Chimp''': Don't patronize me... old chum.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hourman''': You sure you know how to work that gizmo?
:'''Batman''': Yes. I built it.
:'''Dr. Mid-Nite''': You need to compress the radius after each ping.
:'''Batman''': Thank you. I know.
:'''Flash''': Let me get in there. I can do it faster.
:'''Batman''': (''to himself'') Some things never change.

=== ''Clash of the Metal Men!'' [2.06] ===
:'''Batman''': This time, pirates, you walk the plank... right into prison.
:'''Aquaman''': This will make quite a chapter in my new memoir: &quot;20,000 Victories Under the Sea.&quot; What do you think?
:'''Batman''': I'll wait for the movie.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': These so-called scientists never wanted to make the world a better place.
:'''Oxygen''': Sure we did--a better place for us!

=== ''A Bat Divided!'' [2.07] ===
:'''Riddler''': Now, Booster Gold, riddle me this: what creature is on four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon, and three in the evening?
:'''Booster Gold''': A 9-legged unicorn!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Double X''': With this power, Double X will be unstoppable.
:'''Angry Batman''': The only Double Xs you're gonna see are the ones I'm gonna put over your eyes!
:'''Dr. Double X''': The Batmen. You'll be the perfect test for my new power.
:'''Slacker Batman''': What? No one said anything about a test.

=== ''Sidekicks Assemble!'' [2.08] ===
:'''Aqualad''': We're tired of being treated like second-class superheroes.
:'''Green Arrow''': I think that's a bit of an exaggeration. I've always treated Speedy well. (''reminiscing'') Quick, retrieve my bow from that crocodile pit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Talia al Ghul''': Follow me if you want to live.
:'''Robin''': She's so into me.

=== ''The Super-Batman of Planet X!'' [2.09] ===
:'''Vilsi Velar''': All alone, against the odds, without superpowers... and looking good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': Rohtul, you maniac!
:'''Rohtul''': Correction, Batman--brilliant maniac!

=== ''The Power of Shazam!'' [2.10] ===
:'''Faceless Hunter''': The time came that my master's eye settled upon a new prize--a blue-green jewel glittering in the ocean of space. This world was warm and inviting, and the primitive inhabitants could be controlled by his psychic parasitic clones. My master learned that this was a planet of heroes, beings with the power to resist the Star Conqueror. It became my mission to subdue the heroes of Earth... and bring them into his evil thrall. They fought bravely, but in the end... all were forced to submit to the Star Conqueror's will. Those not susceptible to mind control were destroyed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Captain Sivana''': You're no match for my mojo, Bat-Boob!
:'''Batman''': You may have a mortal like me beat, but you'll never be as all-powerful as the wizard Shamaz.
:'''Captain Sivana''': Bat-brained idiot! It's Shazam. Shazam! Shazam! Oh, no! Wait! (''transforms into a mortal'')

=== ''Chill of the Night!'' [2.11] ===
:'''Batman''': Joe Chill. You are the slinking coward who murdered Thomas and Martha Wayne.
:'''Joe Chill''': That was a lifetime ago.
:'''Batman''': Yes. My lifetime! You took them without mercy or regret and in cold blood, Chill!
:'''Joe Chill''': H--how do you know this? How could you possibly-
:'''Batman''': I know because I watched it happen! I know because I am the son of the man you murdered! I am Bruce Wayne!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phantom Stranger''': He is beaten.  Let your devotion to justice temper your rage.
:'''Spectre''': He took your parents. Ruined your life. Become what you have trained to be: an agent of Vengeance. He knows who you are. If this man lives, Batman dies. 
:'''Batman''': Batman may die, but Bruce Wayne... never.

&lt;hr width=&quot;75%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joe Chill''': Guys, you gotta help me! Way back I whacked a guy for a job, and now that guy's son is back for revenge! That guy's son is Batman! 
:''(Joker immediately starts laughing)''
:'''Joe Chill''': What's funny?
:'''Joker''': You're saying we owe Batman's existence to you? That’s a ''killer!''
:'''Poison Ivy''': So it's ''your'' fault Batman's always on our backs!
:'''Joe Chill''': No guys, wait.....
:''(Chill is punched to the floor, then Batman appears before the entire Rogue's Gallery)''
:'''Joker''': Oh yeah, almost forgot about you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;80%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''Gorillas in Our Midst!'' [2.12] ===
:'''Spectre''': Hmm, typical. You know, my way is easier.
:'''Batman''': But my way is just.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Detective Chimp''': Well, hello there. I don't believe we've had the pleasure. I'm Chimp. Detective Chimp.
:'''Vixen''': B'wany, combine him with something, so we can escape.
:'''Detective Chimp''': I'd rather he combine you and I, my dear. We'd make quite the couple, don't you think? (''chuckles'')
:'''Vixen''': Charming, but moot. B'wany's powers don't work on humans.
:'''Batman''': (''notices a bee'') Then use this.
:'''Detective Chimp''': Combine my superior genetics with a bee? Are you mad, man? I vociferously protest! I... (''B'wana Beast combines him with the bee'') When I get back, I'm going to sting you.

=== ''The Siege of Starro! Part 1'' [2.13] ===
:'''B'wana Beast''': From the beginning, mankind has faced... villains! Selfishly pursuing their dark agendas. Greed. Domination. Destruction. But always rising to oppose them have been heroes. A breed apart. Men and women of valor, selfishly leaping into the fray. Battling for justice and protecting the innocent. What makes a hero? Courage, powers, these are the questions that would be asked about those unlikely few who stood up to the greatest threat this world ever faced.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Booster Gold''': No thanks necessary. It's just a great feeling to know that, when Batman needs help, Booster Gold's at the top of his speed-dial.
:'''Batman''': You weren't the first one I called.
:'''Booster Gold''': Number two's not bad.
:'''Batman''': You weren't the second, either.
:'''Booster Gold''': As long as you called.
:'''Skeets''': You called him, sir.
:'''Batman''': I think you know the way out.
:'''Skeets''': We should go before he sics the dog on us again.

=== ''The Siege of Starro! Part 2'' [2.14] ===
:'''B'wana Beast''': Why was it that for so many heroes, a lifetime battling injustice was born from some tragic loss? Perhaps because for most, the natural reaction to loss is to wallow in one's pain. To let it eat you up. not for those destined for heroic greatness. Instead, tragedy becomes opportunity to stand up, take stock, and discover what they're really made of. For them it can become... transformative, energizing. And with growth comes wisdom. So the hero can bounce back stronger than before. A champion uncaged, never again to become a prisoner of his demons.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aquaman''': I shall call this adventure, &quot;The Time the C-List Heroes Barely Helped Save the Day.&quot;

=== ''Requiem for a Scarlet Speedster!'' [2.15] ===
:'''Black Lightning''': So, teach, how'd we do?
:'''Batman''': Impressively. You've learned to take control, to anticipate. You even knew to take out the bridge to prevent the rest of Kobra's cultists from joining the fight.
:'''Metamorpho''': Bridge?
:'''Geo-Force''': More cultists?
:'''Black Lightning''': Uh... whoops.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kid Flash''': Sorry I've been such a jerk, Jay. It’s Zoom who’s to blame. And when our moment comes, we'll take him down.
:'''Flash (Barry Allen)''': Because when you're a Flash, a moment's all you need.

=== ''The Last Patrol'' [2.16] ===
:'''Carnival Barker''': What in the name of P.T. Barnum is that?
:'''Negative Man''': He calls himself... Animal-Vegetable-Mineral Man.
:'''Carnival Barker''': I love it! Does he have an agent?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Chief''': The decision, my Doom Patrol, lies with you.
:'''Negative Man''': Well, Chief, you taught us that all men are our brothers.
:'''Elasti-Girl''': The Pilgrims were just ordinary men and women, too, but they longed for freedom and were willing to fight for it.
:'''Robotman''': And the people who wouldn't bow to the Pharaoh, they were just ordinary shepherds and farmers.
:'''The Chief''': I guess you have your answer, General.
:'''The Doom Patrol''': Fire away!

=== ''The Mask of Matches Malone!'' [2.17] ===
:'''Poison Ivy''': I'll give you one last chance to choose me over oblivion. What do you say?
:'''Batman''': Leaves of three, let them be.


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Catwoman''': Good evening all you gentlemen, mobsters, creeps and crooks,

:'''Huntress''': Men in tights come after you, and still, you’re off the hook,

:'''Black Canary''': For those who scare and terrorize, it’s the dawn of a brand new day;

:'''All 3''': You scum can simply call us, the one and only Birds of Prey!

:'''Catwoman''': Green Lantern has his special ring! (Huntress and Chloe: Pretty strong that little thing!)

:'''Black Canary''': Blue Beetle's deeds are really swell! (Huntress: But who will bring him out of hell?)

:'''Catwoman''': Flash's foes, they finish last! (Huntress: Too bad sometimes he’s just too fast!)

:'''All 3''': While all the boys can always save the day, No one does it better than the Birds of Prey! (BC: The one and only Birds of Prey!) While all the boys can always save the day, No one does it better, no one does it better than the Birds of Prey!:

:'''Catwoman''':  Green Arrow has heroic traits, that is when he's shooting straight!

:'''Black Canary''': (spoken) Hey!

:'''Catwoman''':  I'm just saying...

:'''Black Canary''': Aquaman is all courageous!

:'''Huntress''': His little fish, less outrageous.

:'''Black Canary''': Plastic Man can expand.

:'''All 3''': Becomes putty in our hands! While all the boys can keep you punks at bay, No one does it better than the Birds of Prey (2 Unknown Mobsters: The one and only Birds of Prey)

:'''All 3''': While all the boys can always save the day, No one does it better, no one does it better than the Birds of Prey!

:'''Catwoman''': Batman throws his Batarang, what a weapon, what a bang...

:'''Black Canary''': Check out that utility belt, sure can make a girl’s heart melt...

:'''Huntress''': He’s always right there for the save, I’d like to see his secret cave...

:'''All 3''': While Batman does things in his special way, he'd do it better with the Birds of Prey! (BC: The one and only Birds of Prey!)

:'''All 3''': While Batman always seems to save the day, No one does it better, no one does it better than the Birds of Prey! Birds of Prey...

:'''Catwoman''': Meow...


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Catwoman''': You two are useless.
:'''Black Canary''': Oh yeah? Well, you... are... useless!
:'''Huntress''': Nice comeback there, chief.

=== ''Menace of the Madniks!'' [2.18] ===
:'''Booster Gold''': I don't get it. If we want to fix the future, why didn't we travel to just before I showed up before, then, tell me not to visit Ted?
:'''Batman''': That would just create another dangerous time paradox.
:'''Booster Gold''': Or, better yet, go back to just before I left to come here to stop me then.
:'''Batman''': That's not how time travel works.
:'''Booster Gold''': Wait a minute. What about visiting my mother before I was born? And...
:'''Batman''': Look, I'm not going to explain the intricacies of time travel to a man without a library card.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': You never said you and Booster were friends.
:'''Blue Beetle II''': It never came up.
:'''Batman''': A consummate professional like you friends with a dilettante like Booster?
:'''Blue Beetle II''': You're both my friends, okay? You're more of a work friend, and Booster is more a fun friend.
:'''Batman''': What's more fun than fighting crime?
:'''Booster Gold''': Ooh, he's got you there.

=== ''Emperor Joker!'' [2.19] ===
:'''Robin''': We caught you red-handed, Firefly!
:'''Batman''': But you'll be black-and-blue if you don't give yourself up.
:'''Firefly''': Batman, color me unimpressed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': (''after killing Batman'') I can't believe it. He's... he's actually gone. Let's take a moment to reflect on the passing of a man who was more then just another do-gooder in tights. He was the best arch-nemesis a sociopath could ask for. (''falls silent'') Okay, let's do it again!

=== ''The Criss Cross Conspiracy!'' [2.20] ===
:'''Atom''': I thought you said help was on the way?
:'''Batman''': It is. We just need to hold off Bug-Eyed Bandit a little longer.
:'''Atom''': Well, I hope you called the most intelligent, quick-witted hero you could find.
:'''Aquaman''': Sorry I'm late, old chums.
:'''Atom''': We're doomed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Katrina Moldoff (in Batman's body)''': Darling, I don't have to answer to you. I'm Batman.
:'''Batgirl''': Did he just call me &quot;darling&quot;?
:'''Katrina Moldoff (in Batman's body)''': What are you waiting for, an invitation? The Riddler's escaped and we're going to find him.
:'''Nightwing''': This time that freak's looking at 20 years behind bars.
:'''Katrina Moldoff (in Batman's body)''': I have a much worse fate in mind.
:'''Batgirl''': Life in solitary?
:'''Katrina Moldoff (in Batman's body)''': Try no life at all.
:'''Batgirl''': Umm, you lost me.
:'''Katrina Moldoff (in Batman's body)''': Why am I not surprised? We're going to extinguish Riddler and do you know why? Because I hate him, hate him, hate him! Uhh, by that I mean he's a menace that must be terminated once and for all.

=== ''The Plague of the Prototypes!'' [2.21] ===
:'''Green Arrow''': You're lucky I keep Star City so clean, Bats. Otherwise I wouldn't have time to pick up your slack as an intergalactic cop.
:'''Batman''': Yes, I remember when I was only responsible for a single city instead of a country, planet, solar system, and overall existence of all known life.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': You can be gentle.
:'''Proto-Bot''': Have to be. Kittens are not just cute. But also delicate and defenseless.
:'''Batman''': Okay, Proto, you're back on the mission. But only if you promise to treat every citizen as if they were a kitten. Delicate, cute, and defenseless.

=== ''Cry Freedom Fighters!'' [2.22] ===
:'''Batman''': Thanks for the assist, O'Brian. We can't let these hoodlums disrupt Election Day.
:'''Plastic Man''': So that's why there are all of those flags everywhere. I just figured today was the Fourth of July or something.
:'''Batman''': It's January.
:'''Plastic Man''': I know. That's why it seemed so weird to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Plastic Man''': They were freedom fighters! And you can be, too.
:'''Qwardian''': But we would be facing impossible odds.
:'''Plastic Man''': Did that stop [[Abraham Lincoln]] when he was outnumbered by the Redcoats on the D-Day? No. And when [[John Paul Jones]] and Ringo ran out of tea in Boston, did that stop them from throwing their party? Of course not. Yes, my friends. I, like George Jefferson before me, cannot tell a lie. Help me, and together we shall let freedom ring.

=== ''The Knights of Tomorrow!'' [2.23] ===
:'''Question''': Kalibak. Darkseid's demented progeny. I don't know who smells worse: you or the dogs.
:'''Kalibak''': The only stench you'll be smelling is your own, as you cook over the firepits of Apokolips.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Damian Wayne''': But what if I want to be a scientist?
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Crime fighting is a science.
:'''Damian Wayne''': What about a race car driver?
:'''Bruce Wayne''': The Batmobile is the fastest car on the planet.
:'''Damian Wayne''': Astronaut?
:'''Bruce Wayne''': The galaxy is just another neighborhood to patrol for a crime fighter.

=== ''Darkseid Descending!'' [2.24] ===
:'''Batman''': Sorry, Frost, but I make it my business to protect innocent lives.
:'''Killer Frost''': Innocent? You call the man who broke up with me via text message innocent?
:'''Batman''': Incredible.
:'''Jason Rusch''': Really?
:'''Ronnie Raymond''': Quick and painless. It's the humane thing to do.
:'''Killer Frost''': I could've handled that indignity if he didn't make me pay for all of our dates.
:'''Jason Rusch''': What is wrong with you, Coach?
:'''Ronnie Raymond''': Hey! How did I become the bad guy here?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': Boom Tubes. Dimensional portals used by the forces of Apokolips.
:'''Aquaman''': Then adventure calls.
:'''Guy Gardner''': Let's get down there so you punks can see a real hero in action.
:'''Ice''': The Greeks must be stopped!
:'''Booster Gold''': Got to text my publicist. Skeets! How many p's in &quot;impending&quot;?
:'''Skeets''': One, sir.
:'''Fire''': Is this suit too short for world-saving?
:'''Blue Beetle''': Umm, I wonder if it's short enough?

=== ''Bat-Mite Presents: Batman's Strangest Cases!'' [2.25] ===
:'''Bat-Mite''': Scooby-Doo, Batman, and Weird Al. It's the holy trinity of pop culture!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Weird Al Yankovic''': Joker's trapdoor slid me right into the theater's old elevator shaft. Luckily, there was all this cash at the bottom to break my fall.
:'''Fred Jones''': So the only question now is, what to do with it? We can't return it to Bulldog Benson.
:'''Shaggy Rogers''': Like, we could split it up.
:'''Weird Al Yankovic''': Or, I could use it to finance my life-long dream. To turn the old music hall into the Polka and Novelty Song Hall of Fame.
:'''Shaggy Rogers''': Or we could, like, split it up.
:'''Scooby-Doo Batman''': My good friend, millionaire Bruce Wayne, is a big polka fan. I'm reasonably sure he'd match your contribution, Al.
:'''Weird Al Yankovic''': That's wonderful, Batman. Done.
:'''Shaggy Rogers''': Or, like, we could still split it up.

=== ''The Malicious Mr. Mind!'' [2.26] ===
:'''Dr. Sivana''': Another flawlessly executed heist, tanks to the superior intellect of me, Dr. Sivana!
:'''Batman''': And another ten years behind bars, you fiendish physicist.
:'''Dr. Sivana''': Batboob. Have a face full of science, you big lummox!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman (10 years old)''': Recess is over, you mean old meanie. You've just earned yourself five to ten minutes of hard time, in the corner of the room.
:'''Dr. Sivana''': Batboob, you're half the man you used to be.
:'''Captain Marvel Jr.''': He may be small, but ours is a heroic bond that can't be broken.
:'''Batman (10 years old)''': Yeah! BFFs forever! Except for her. She has cooties.
:'''Mary Marvel''': Hmmph.

== Season 3 == 

=== ''Joker: The Vile and the Villainous'' [3.01] ===
:'''Batman''': Fisherman, you're a fool if you think you can stop my master plan.
:'''Fisherman''': We'll see about that.
:'''Batman''': I'm going to turn you into a Fillet-O-Fisherman!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bulletman''': Weeper, you just don't have the moxie to stand up against the ballistic force of justice.

=== ''Shadow of the Bat!'' [3.02] ===
:'''Martian Manhunter''': And what's bothering you, Booster?
:'''Booster Gold''': For your information, I had to send Skeets to cancel my much-anticipated appearance on The Jack Ryder Show tonight. Who's gonna push my brand-new line of Booster Gold menswear. Now you could definitely use a hipper look. Here's a coupon for 15% off at all participating stores.
:'''Martian Manhunter''': Thank you, but I'll pass.
:'''Aquaman''': Fifteen percent off, you say? By Poseidon, those savings are outrageous!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fire''': You have got a crush on who?
:'''Ice''': Aquaman. That hunk is global warming to my heart's polar ice caps.
:'''Fire''': First of all, Tora, he smells like the Fulton Fish Market.
:'''Ice''': I love that smell, too.

=== ''Night of the Batmen!'' [3.03] ===
:'''Green Arrow''': How does he always seem to take out more bad guys than us?
:'''Captain Marvel''': How does he do it without any powers?
:'''Aquaman''': Easy--he's Batman. That's how. Huzzah!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': This caravan of chaos is making an unexpected stop. At Arkham Asylum.
:'''Joker''': Bat-sie! It's really you! Nice entrance, but you're plumb out of time.
:'''Batman''': There's always time for justice.

=== ''Scorn of the Star Sapphire!'' [3.04] ===
:'''Steve Trevor''': Have to say, being a secret agent is a cinch when you have a super-powered girlfriend.
:'''Batman''': I wouldn't know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Green Lantern''': As a Green Lantern, I face some of the nastiest villains in the galaxy. Then I met Star Sapphire. She was different. Easy on the eyes. And we actually had a lot in common. She was a humble Earthling who encountered some otherworldly beings. The Zamorans. They chose her to be a host body for their queen. I can't say I blame them. They even gave her a ring. But it came with a hitch. Once that ring slid onto her finger, she was a changed woman. She became a being of pure evil, bent on the conquest of Earth. I never had any problems with ladies before, but like I said, this one is different.

=== ''Battle of the Superheroes!'' [3.05] ===
:'''Pharaoh''': Feel the wrath of Osiris! (''unleashes a mystic blast'') By the power of Horus, it's not possible!
:'''Batman''': Sorry, Pharaoh.
:'''Robin''': Our wrappings are covered in buttermilk, the one thing that repels Pharaoh rays.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois Lane''': He's not the same person. We were supposed to have a picnic, but he was with another girl.
:'''Superman''': It serves you right, Lois. After all the love schemes you pulled to get me to marry you!
:'''Lois Lane''': I have no idea what he was talking about.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Superman''': Knock-Knock!
:'''Mr. Mxyzptlk''': A joke? I love jokes! Who's there?
:'''Superman''': Kltpzyxm!
:'''Mr. Mxyzptlk''': Kltpzyxm who? Aw, nuts!

=== ''Time Out for Vengeance!'' [3.06] ===
:'''Batman''': Are you just going to watch, or could I get a little help here, Creeper?
:'''Creeper''': You got it, pal. Batman, Batman, he's our man. If that really totally disgusting freakishly deformed abomination can't beat him, no one can! Yay, Batman.
:'''Batman''': Not what I had in mind. Let's go.
:'''Creeper''': Oh, I'd love to. But I have group therapy in 15 minutes. And the other psychotics just hate it when I'm late.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rip Hunter''': Time isn't linear. It's simultaneous. Events in the future create the present as much as events in the past do.
:'''Fire''': Ah, now I've really got a headache.
:'''Ice''': Not me.

=== ''Sword of the Atom!'' [3.07] ===
:'''Aquaman''': I'm sorry, but you look ridiculous. For goodness sake, man, put on a cape. Show some effort!
:'''Ryan Choi''': I am not wearing my costume. Because one, I'm not a superhero anymore. And two, I like pockets.
:'''Aquaman''': Ummm, pockets. Yes...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aquaman''': And let's see, what else? There's snazzy costumes, protecting the innocent, beating up villains. Getting your picture in the news. Did I mention snazzy costumes?
:'''Ryan Choi''': You don't get it, Aquaman. Being a research scientist makes me happy. I like math. I'd rather solve equations than get out of death traps. Are you even listening?!?
:'''Aquaman''': No. I stopped once you started babbling on about math.

=== ''Triumvirate of Terror'' [3.08] ===
:'''Lex Luthor''': Yes, if each of us takes of a different hero, it's a whole new game. Advantage us.
:'''Joker''': Dibs on the swimsuit model.
:'''Lex Luthor''': A mere mortal for a change. But that leaves Cheetah with...
:'''Cheetah''': The Man of Steel? Ha! Steel or flesh, no man can resist the claws of this cat.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lex Luthor''': Attention all sentient beings in the known galaxy. It is I, Lex Luthor.
:'''Cheetah''': And I, the Cheetah, in the adorable fur.
:'''Joker''': And last but never least, me, the Mountebank of Menace, the Lord of Laughs, the Clown Prince... (''Lex knocks him down'')
:'''Lex Luthor''': Joker.

=== ''Bold Beginnings!'' [3.09] ===
:'''Space Ghost''': Looks like Creature King got his just desserts.
:'''Batman''': Actually, he'll probably be dessert.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Green Arrow''': Well, last thing we need is to have Batman swoop in and save our butts again.
:'''Aquaman''': This can't help but remind me of the time Batman and I were trapped together in an adventure I call &quot;The Sea Caves of Doom!&quot; It was...
:'''Green Arrow''': Yeah, I remember the first time I worked with Bats. Years ago, when he was still in his nocturnal loner phase.
:'''Aquaman''': I was in the middle of a story.
:'''Green Arrow''': So anyway...

=== ''Powerless!'' [3.10] ===
:'''Batman''': The Hammers of Justice will always pound straight the bent nails of evil.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Captain Atom''': Saving the youth of the world one public service announcement at a time.
:'''Aquaman''': I didn't think it was possible, but he's worse than Booster Gold.
:'''Martian Manhunter''': Since he arrived, he's proven arrogant, self-serving, and cocky.
:'''Batman''': Sounds like the JLI's newest member is going to fit right in.

=== ''Crisis: 22,300 Miles Above Earth!'' [3.11] ===
:'''Batman''': Sorry to interrupt, Mr. Ross. But I've got a few punchlines of my own I'd like to try out. Penguin, they should call you The Nail, because you're always getting pounded by the Hammers of Justice. I try not to hit your good side, Two-Face, but you don't have one. Riddler, the answer to all your riddles is this. (''punches him'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': I see I missed quite the party.
:'''Martian Manhunter''': Yes, my little soiree was just the thing they needed. It seems different generations can bond over a common desire.
:'''Batman''': Justice?
:'''Martian Manhunter''': Pie.

=== ''Four Star Spectacular!'' [3.12] ===
:'''Abra Kadabra''': After our last run-in, I returned to the future to figure out why I failed to defeat an unevolved primitive such as yourself. Do you know what I discovered?
:'''Flash''': That you're a terrible villain?
:'''Abra Kadabra''': Temporal paradoxes! You're a part of my history, therefore I can not defeat you without changing the timeline. But in my research I found something that may be of interest to you. (''materializes newspaper'') Notice the date? It's today. I may not be able to kill you, but I can watch someone else succeed what I have failed. The article mentions a Mirror Master.

=== ''Mitefall!'' [3.13] ===
:'''Ambush Bug''': I can't believe it. I'm talking to the real [[w:Ted McGinley|Ted McGinley]].
:'''Aquaman''': (''with Ted McGinley's voice'') I'm sorry, but who's this McGinley chap you have me confused with?
:'''Ambush Bug''': Only one of the finest comedic actor of our generation.
:'''Aquaman''': (''with Ted McGinley's voice'') Wow. Thanks. Sometimes I think people only associate me with the whole &quot;jump the shark&quot; thing. You know, ''[[Married... with Children]]'' was on the air seven years after I came on. Just so you know.
:'''Ambush Bug''': Ah-ha! Tricked you into breaking character!
:'''Aquaman''': (''with Ted McGinley's voice'') Wha---? Outrag... You know, I don't really get this show anyway. I'm out of here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': So, this is really it.
:'''Ambush Bug''': Yeah, looks like. At least you can say you had a good run.
:'''Batman''': A great run. And until we meet again, boys and girls, know that wherever evil lurks, in all its myriad forms, I'll be there with the Hammers of Justice to fight for decency and defend the innocent. Good night.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title|id=1213218|title=Batman: The Brave and the Bold}}

{{Batman}}

[[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated action TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated superhero TV shows]]
[[Category:Crossover animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Animated Batman TV shows]]
[[Category:Animated Justice League TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Cartoon Network shows]]
[[Category:Animated television programs based on DC Comics]]
[[Category:Television series by Warner Bros. Animation]]</text>
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    <title>Cops (TV program)</title>
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      <text bytes="9346" xml:space="preserve">:''Not to be confused with'' [[C.O.P.S. (TV series)|C.O.P.S. ''(TV series)]].''
[[File:Logo of Cops (TV series).png|thumb|''[[w:Cops (TV program)|Cops]]'' is filmed on location, with the men and women of law enforcement. All suspects are innocent until proven guilty, in a court of law. ~ Harry Newman]]
'''''[[w:Cops (TV program)|Cops]]''''' (stylized as '''''[[w:Cops (TV series)|COPS]]''''') is an American documentary/reality legal television series airing on the ''Spike'' network that follows U.S. police officers, constables, sheriff's deputies, federal agents and state troopers during patrols and other police activities including vice and narcotics stings. Airing since March 1989, it films mainly in the [[United States]], though episodes have occasionally been filmed in other countries, such as the [[United Kingdom]], [[China]], and the former [[Soviet Union]].

&lt;center&gt;'''No script, no narrator, no host. There's a reason it's one of the longest-running shows on television.''' &lt;small&gt;[[#Taglines|(taglines)]]&lt;/small&gt; &lt;/center&gt;

==Quotes==
:'''Harry Newman''': ''[disclaimer, opening lines]'' Due to the graphic nature of this program, viewer discretion is advised.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inner Circle''': ''[theme song]'' Bad boys, bad boys. What're you going to do? What're you going to do, when they come for you?
:'''Harry Newman''': ''[narrator]'' ''Cops'' is filmed on location with the men and women of law enforcement; all suspects are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harry Newman''': [''narrator''] This special edition of ''Cops'' is filmed on location with the men and women of law enforcement; all suspects are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harry Newman''': [''narrator from the Mardi Gras Special Edition''] This special edition of ''Cops'' was filmed during Mardi Gras with the New Orleans police department; all suspects are considered innocent until proven guilty in a court of law.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harry Newman''': [''Narrator from the London Special Edition''] This special edition of ''Cops'' was filmed with the metropolitan police department of London; all suspects are considered innocent until proven guilty in a court of law.
:'''Officer''': [''ending lines, credits sequence''] 132 and Bush, I've got him at gun-point.
:'''Dispatch''': Okay, gun-point. 132 and Bush, cover's code three.
:'''Officer''': In custody.
:'''Dispatch''': Units 25 and 14, can transmit on TAC-2.
:'''Officer''': Okay, we'll still send it code three.
:'''Officer''': [''ending lines from Season 2 Episode 1 &amp; 2, credits sequence''] [Inaudible] 11, 16, nobody answering. If you know they're at east or where they at now, yet, normally, that you might wanna call...
:'''Derrick Pendergrass''': [''after throwing a combative woman on the ground''] Let me tell you something, you are ''not'' going to do that.&lt;!--https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CcShXtgsMJk--&gt;
===Season 1 (1989)===
:'''Harry Newman''': [''narrator''] ''Cops'' is filmed on location as it happens; all suspects are considered innocent until proven guilty in a court of law.&lt;!--https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=98Kss61vs-A--&gt;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Police Officer''': [''chasing a fleeing criminal''] Stop, or I'll shoot you in the back!&lt;!--https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-V0OiWEAEg--&gt;
:'''Woman''': Why did you run?! DAMN YOU!!!

===COPS: Too Hot For TV! VHS===
:'''Harry Newman''': ''[narrator]'' Warning: This program contains scenes of a graphic nature, with adult language and nudity. This includes footage of a mature subject matter, and is intended for an adult audience.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''John Langley''': Hello, I'm John Langley, executive producer of ''COPS.'' Welcome to my office. In this video, we're gonna do something a little different. Along with the real, and the raw, and the outrageous, we're gonna show you never-before-seen outtakes. In other words, the uncensored version of ''COPS.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harry Newman''': ''[narrator]'' This special edition video is based on outtakes from ''COPS.'' All suspects are still innocent until proven guilty in a court of law.

===Season 16 (2004)===
:'''Anthony Damiano''': [''pointing a handgun at a man smoking marijuana''] Put it down, bro. Put it down! Down! Down, what did I tell you? Down, down. Put your hands behind your back. You've got any guns on you? 
:'''Suspect''': No, papi. No, papi.
:'''Anthony Damiano''': I ain't your papi, put your head down!&lt;!--https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=poat6y9bkbk--&gt;
:'''Suspect''': No, no. No, no. No, papi.
:'''Anthony Damiano''': What do you've got? Just that? 
:'''Suspect''': Yes, papi.
:'''Anthony Damiano''': Just marijuana?
:'''Suspect''': Yes.
:'''Anthony Damiano''': Keep your hands, there.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Anthony Damiano''': From the projects? Well, what are you doing?
:'''Suspect''': I was smoking the, the. The tobacco.
:'''Anthony Damiano''': The tobacco?
:'''Suspect''': Yes, papi.
:'''Anthony Damiano''': You sure?
:'''Suspect''': Yes, officer. I'm sure. I just want to go home, papi.
:'''Anthony Damiano''': You called me papi, again?
:'''Suspect''': Officer, Mister Damiano.
:'''Anthony Damiano''': Again, you called me that? Don't call me papi, again.
:'''Suspect''': Alright, papi. Alright, officer.
===Season 23 (2010)===
====Episode 5: Weapons Drawn #2 (9 October 2010)====
:'''Suspect''': [''after being captured by policemen''] Nobody, sir. No, sir. They tried to break in for several hours and I don't have a phone, and there was like four of them. I think three of them dressed in ninja turtles, in black. 
:'''Policemen''': Relax, man. Relax. Relax, relax. Relax.
:'''Suspect''': I just defended myself.&lt;!--https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2OlDrrTl__E--&gt;

===Season 24===
====Episode 21====
:'''Suspect''': [''after being tasered, to no effect''] I'll get you, bitch! &lt;!--https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HN9FfLCu1cI--&gt;

===Season 26 (2013)===
:'''Devin Cantwell''': [''to a captured suspect''] You've got any underwear on, George?
:'''George''': Somewhere.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Devin Cantwell''': [''to a captured suspect''] Do you understand why you're going to jail, tonight?&lt;!--https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p6L-1aFiTxU&amp;feature=iv&amp;src_vid=ax2-xYVgrns&amp;annotation_id=annotation_3593270529--&gt;
:'''George''': What?
:'''Devin Cantwell''': You're going to jail. You're going to jail, George.
:'''George''': What did I do?
:'''Devin Cantwell''': You had a bag of [[Marijuana|weed]]! You can't have that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''George''': I'm getting out of the [[Texas|State of Texas]].
:'''Devin Cantwell''': You're going to [[w:Colorado|Colorado]]?
:'''George''': Yes, sir!
:'''Devin Cantwell''': Okay.
:'''George''': Yeah, hey!
:'''Devin Cantwell''': How did I know that?
====Episode 26: Kill 'Em With Kindness====
:'''Suspect''': [''after being restrained by policemen''] I don't appreciate you roughing me up like that, man. For no motherfucking reason, man.&lt;!--http://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/view_episode_scripts.php?tv-show=cops-1989&amp;episode=s26e06--&gt;
:'''Devin Cantwell''': You've got a freaking [[Guns|gun]] on you.
:'''Suspect''': Yeah, man. You're lucky I didn't shoot your bitch-ass with it.
:'''Devin Cantwell''': [''bemused''] Really? Really?
:'''Suspect''': Yeah, man. Yeah, straight up.

===Season 27===
====Episode 1====
:'''Edward Alleman''': Just a couple of scrapes and bumps, but everything heals.&lt;!--https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SAydFofNBks--&gt;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Martin''': [''objecting to his brother being arrested for possessing drugs''] It's not right, dog.
:'''Brian Osborne''': I didn't say it was right, dude. It's what it is.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Suspect''': [''to his irate brother''] Martin, shut up! Shut up, bro! Shut the fuck up, Martin!

===Season 28 (2015&amp;ndash;2016)===
====Episode 21: Two in the Bush====
:'''Suspect''': [''being investigated for trying to hire a prostitute''] I'm a nice guy; I work with special-needs individuals.&lt;!--https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eCS0KkQo-Yw--&gt;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Policeman''': They're going to hurt; they're handcuffs.

====Episode 23: Nothing to See Here====
:'''&quot;Isiah&quot;''': [''lying to policemen as they try to capture him''] I'm Isiah, bro! I'm Isiah, bro! I'm Isiah, bro!&lt;!--https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ax2-xYVgrns--&gt;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''&quot;Isiah&quot;''': [''lying to policemen as they try to capture him''] I'm Isiah, man! Stop, bro! I'm Isiah, man! I'm Isiah, bro!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bystander''': [''to the driver of an automobile that crashed into his house''] Hey sucker, you're fucking lucky you didn't hurt one of my family members.
:'''Driver''': I didn't.
:'''Bystander''': [''pointing index finger at man''] You know what? 
:'''Driver''': I ran that stop sign.
:'''Bystander''': I don't give a fuck what you're saying. But, if that would've happened?
:'''Driver''': I know, I know.
:'''Bystander''': I'd hunt you down until the day I'd fucking got you.

== Taglines ==
* No script, no narrator, no host. There's a reason it's one of the longest-running shows on television. 
** On ''Spike'' (2016)

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
*{{Official website|http://www.cops.com/}}
* {{IMDb title|0096563|Cops}}
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Reality TV shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
{{italic title}}</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Chicago Med</title>
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'''''{{w|Chicago Med}}''''' (2015-) is an American {{w|medical drama}} television series, airing on [[w:NBC|NBC]], about the emergency room doctors of Gaffney Chicago Medical Center and how they tackle different tasks everyday to save patients' lives.

==Seasons==
* [[Chicago Med/Season 1|1]]
* [[Chicago Med/Season 2|2]]

== Cast ==
* {{w|Nick Gehlfuss}} - Dr. Will Halstead: Emergency Department Chief Resident (season 1) and [[w:Attending physician|attending]] (season 2 onwards)
* [[Torrey DeVitto]] - Dr. Natalie Manning: ED pediatrician
* {{w|Yaya DaCosta}} - April Sexton: ED nurse
* {{w|Rachel DiPillo}} - Dr. Sarah Reese: 4th year medical student (season 1) and psychiatry resident (season 2 onwards)
* {{w|Colin Donnell}} - Dr. Connor Rhodes: trauma surgical [[w:Fellowship (medicine)|fellow]]
* [[Brian Tee]] - LCDR Dr. Ethan Choi USNR: ED Chief Resident (season 2)
* {{w|S. Epatha Merkerson}} - Sharon Goodwin: chief administrator of Gaffney Chicago Medical Center
* {{w|Oliver Platt}} - Dr. Daniel Charles: Chief of Psychiatry
* {{w|Marlyne Barrett}} - Maggie Lockwood: ED charge nurse

===Recurring===
* {{w|Gregg Henry}} - Dr. David Downey: cardiothoracic surgeon (season 1 only)
* Peter Mark Kendall - Joey Thomas: lab tech in pathology
* Patti Murin - Dr. Nina Shore: pathologist 
* {{w|Jeff Hephner}} - Jeff Clarke: 4th year medical student
* {{w|Eddie Jemison}} - Dr. Stanley Stohl: Chief of Emergency Medicine
* {{w|Ato Essandoh}} - Dr. Isidore Latham: attending cardiothoracic surgeon
* Roland Buck III - Noah Sexton: medical student and brother of April 

===Crossover===
* {{w|Jesse Lee Soffer}} - Detective Jay Halstead: brother of Dr. Will Halstead

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{official website|http://www.nbc.com/chicago-med}}
* {{IMDb title|id=4655480|title=Chicago Med}}

[[Category:American television spin-offs]]
[[Category:Current shows]]
[[Category:Medical drama TV shows]]
[[Category:NBC shows]]
[[Category:Television series by Wolf Films]]
[[Category:Television series by Wolf Entertainment]]
[[Category:Television shows featuring audio description]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Kidsongs</title>
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'''''[[w: Kidsongs| Kidsongs]]''''' is an American children's media franchise which includes '''''Kidsongs Music Video Stories''''' (1985-1998) and '''''The Kidsongs TV Show''''' (1987-1998) on DVD and video, CDs of favorite children’s songs, song books, sheet music, toys and an ecommerce website. ''Kidsongs'' was created by producer/writer Carol Rosenstein and director Bruce Gowers of Together Again Video Productions, who had produced and directed over 100 music videos for Warner Brothers Records and took their idea of music videos for children to the record label.

{{tv-stub}} 
==Cars, Boats, Trains and Planes==
:'''Mom''': Uncle George, where's your car?
:'''Uncle George (played by Clifford Scott)''': Uh, well, I, I must have left it at the park.  We'll have to go back and get it.
:'''Ashande Gravenberg''': Great!  The park again!
:'''Mom''': I thought you were bored of the park.
:'''All Kids''': We love it!
:'''Mom''': Uncle George, what have you been up to?!
:'''Uncle George (played by Clifford Scott)''': It wasn't me! It was him! ''[points to Mike the Dog]''

==Very Silly Songs (recorded in 1989 and released in 1990)==
:'''Girl''':  ''He's'' Jim Along Josie?
:'''Silly Willy''': He sure is!
:'''Owner''':  And he can do just about anything you ask him to!
&lt;hr witdh=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Bre Selzter''': Wow, you have a lot of animals.
:'''Farmer Phil (played by Don Mincey)''': Yes, I do.
:'''Boy''': ''[The birds chirp]'' How come you have so many?
:'''Farmer Phil (played by Don Mincey)''': Well, I started out wanting a cat.  Things got a little out of hand.  Listen up and I'll tell you all about it.

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
* [http://www.kidsongs.com Official website]
* [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0138973/ ''Kidsongs'' at IMDb]

[[Category:1980s American children's TV shows]]
[[Category:1990s American children's TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's musical TV shows]]
[[Category:American preschool education TV shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:PBS Kids shows]]
[[Category:TV shows about children]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Murder She Wrote</title>
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'''''[[w:Murder, She Wrote|Murder, She Wrote]]''''' (1984–1996) is an American television mystery series starring [[w:Angela Lansbury|Angela Lansbury]] as mystery writer and amateur detective [[w:Jessica Fletcher|Jessica Fletcher]]. It is one of the most successful and longest-running television shows in history, averaging close to 26 million viewers per week in its prime, and was a staple of the CBS Sunday night lineup for a decade. In syndication, the series is still highly successful throughout the world.

Lansbury was nominated for a total of ten [[w:Golden Globe Award|Golden Globes]], and 12 [[w:Emmy Award|Emmy Award]]s for her work on ''Murder, She Wrote''. She holds the record for the most Golden Globe nominations and wins for Best Actress in a television drama series and the most Emmy nominations for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series for ''Murder, She Wrote'', with those nominations netting her four Golden Globe awards. The series received three nominations but no wins in the Outstanding Drama Series category at the Emmys. It was nominated for a Golden Globe in the same category six times and won twice.

__TOC__

== Pilot TV Movie ==
=== ''The Murder of Sherlock Holmes'' [0.1] ===
:'''Jessica''': ''[picking up the phone]'' Hello.
:'''Grady Fletcher''': It's Grady, Aunt Jess!
:'''Jessica''': Grady?! What's the matter?
:'''Grady''': Nothing's the matter, Aunt Jess. Everything is terrific.
:'''Jessica''': Nothing's terrific at 6.30 in the morning.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kitty Donovan''': It's a pleasure, Mrs. Fletcher. Grady's told me so much about you.
:'''Jessica''': Isn't that a coincidence? Grady has told me absolutely ''nothing'' about you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Well, actually, I never suspected that my book would be published. I really wrote it for my enjoyment, I guess, like needlepoint, paint...
:'''TV Book Critic''': Ah, then you have no pretensions to creating literature. How refreshing in an era dedicated to the beautification of the trivial and the canonization of the mundane.
:'''Jessica''': Well, on the other hand, people seem to enjoy it.
:'''TV Book Critic''': The people, yes. Well, of course, we both know, dear lady, it takes very little to please the folks from [[w:Dubuque,_Iowa|Dubuque]]. How else do you explain television?
:'''Jessica''': Oh, I couldn't. Television is your business, not mine.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At a book signing]''
:'''Jessica''': Oh my goodness, 8 copies! You must be a real book lover. To whom shall I inscribe them?
:'''Man''': Just sign your name and the date, honey. This is just an investment. If you ever become somebody, they might be worth something.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': These last few days I have been insulted, browbeaten and patronized and I say no thank you! Back in Cabot Cove, the only thing with claws are the lobsters and we eat them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Preston Giles''': The party tonight. We're all coming tonight as our favorite fictional character. I know, I know. You don't have a thing to wear.
:'''Jennifer''': ''[with a wink]'' Well, I can always come as [[w:Lady_Godiva|Lady Godiva]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter Brill''': Alas, Preston, madam wishes to hear a potpourri of [[w:Rodgers_and_Hart|Rodgers and Hart]].
:'''Guest dressed as Peter Pan''': [[w:Rodgers_and_Hammerstein|Hammerstein]]
:'''Peter''': Even worse.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief Roy Gunderson''': Folks don't go around having half their heads blown off for no reason. I'm looking for motive.
:'''Peter''': For killing Caleb McCallum? Surely you jest. Half the country had reason to kill him. The other half didn't know him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief Gunderson''': I read your book.
:'''Jessica''': Oh, you did? How nice!
:'''Chief Gunderson''': Didn't say I liked it. Said I read it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': ''[about romantic relationships]'' Back home, we have a saying. Flowers that bloom too quickly are fair game for a late frost.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Captain Caleb McCallum''': Ashley had an alibi that night, which is more than I can say for your nephew.
:'''Jessica''': Grady was with Kit Donovan.
:'''Captain McCallum''': That's like [[w:Bonnie_and_Clyde|Bonnie Parker alibiing Clyde Barrow]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Excuse me, do you have four quarters for a dollar?
:'''Bag Lady''': No, but I've got three quarters for a dollar.
:'''Jessica''': You must do quite well.
:'''Bag Lady''': Beats the hell out of welfare, sweetie.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''': ''[To an agent after an audition]'' Marvin, your client's talent is exceeded only by her monumental capacity of flatulation of the treble clef. Yes, I've heard all I need to hear. Thank you so much, Ms. Devine. 
:'''Devine''': That means I stink, right? Hey, well, listen, buddy, you don't play so hot either!
:'''Peter''': Yes, but you see, I've only had two hours sleep. Whereas with you, sweet thing, the oblivion of Morpheus seems to be a perpetual state of mind.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief Gunderson''': You boys know anything about sailing?
:'''Policeman''': Sure, a little bit.
:'''Chief Gunderson''': Belay that winch. Let's hoist that mainsail. ''[Policeman looks at him quizzically]'' Turn the crank.

== Season 1 ==
=== ''Deadly Lady'' [1.1] ===
:'''Ralph''': Yes, ma'am, I've been hoboing for about as long as I can remember but you must understand I am not a bum. I work for what I get. ''[Picks up a book]'' Hey, I read this story. Good book. ''[Sees the author's photo]'' ''You'' wrote this!
:'''Jessica''': I did.
:'''Ralph''': Mrs. Fletcher, you astound me.
:'''Jessica''': Oh, Ralph. You're not astounded at all. As a matter of fact, you're full of clam dip. Now, sit down and eat.
:'''Ralph''': Ma'am, you misjudge me.
:'''Jessica''': No, sir, you misjudge me. That book is a pre-publication copy. It hasn't even been released yet. Secondly, your clothes may be faded but they are exquisitely tailored. And third, the term is &quot;bo&quot; and not &quot;hoboing&quot;. And finally, on your wrist is an imprint where a watch used to be.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Amos Tupper''': I'm talking about foul play! A hundred million dollars is a whale of a motive!
:'''Captain Ethan Cragg''': Amos, you've been reading too many of Jessica's books.
:'''Sheriff Tupper''': Well, that's how much you know, Ethan. I haven't read any of them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': [[w:Wolfgang_Amadeus_Mozart|Mozart?]]
:'''Ralph''': Food for the soul. An empty head is almost as bad as an empty belly.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[When Nancy Earl's ex-fiancee shows up just after her rich father dies]''
:'''Jessica''': A relative?
:'''Lisa Earl Shelby''': No, but he sure would like to be.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maggie Earl''': You're very clever, Mrs. Fletcher.
:'''Jessica''': Merely logical.

=== ''Birds of a Feather'' [1.2] ===
:'''Jessica''': Lieutenant Novack, did you notice the small white feather on Mr. Drake's jacket?
:'''Lt. Floyd Novack''': Who are you?
:'''Jessica''': I'm Jessica Fletcher.
:'''Lt. Novack''': Did you see the murder?
:'''Jessica''': Well, actually, no. I was sitting out front watching the show.
:'''Lt. Novack''': Then, Ms. Fletcher, would you mind doing me a great big favor?
:'''Jessica''': I'll do absolutely anything I can to help.
:'''Lt. Novack''': Would you please get out of here?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lt. Novack''': You don't seem exactly broken up over Drake's death.
:'''Freddy York''': I'll tell you what, I'll split a bouquet with you. Pick whatever kind of flowers you want.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Howard Griffin''': ''[about his former insurance job]'' Mrs. Fletcher, do you know how hard it is to sit in someone's living room when they'd rather be watching television and tell them how rich they're gonna be after they're dead?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': We've only had one killer in our family. 1777, I believe, and the Redcoats shot first.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Now, look, I've got the name of a very good lawyer. Is there anything else you need?
:'''Howard''': How about a pair of pants?

=== ''Hooray for Homicide'' [1.3] ===
:'''Jerry Lydecker''': Nudity is necessary for the story. It reveals Jenny's true character.
:'''Jessica''': In my story, Jenny was Jonny, the 10 year old son of a Presbyterian minister. And he didn't take off his shirt in 200 pages.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marta Quintessa''': By the way, Lieutenant, sorry to bring this up but shouldn't someone tell our star that her star-maker has gone to his Maker?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Allan Gebhart''': ''[About Hollywood]'' In this town, Mrs. Fletcher, we have two kinds of people. Those who are working and those in development. The ones in development spend a lot of time in the unemployment office.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Such a shame about Mr. Lydecker. I'm sure he was a great help to you in your career.
:'''Scott Bennett''': Like a pair of combat boots at a track meet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Allan''': ''[Giving a toast]'' To the Corpse Danced At Midnight, the film that died at noon.

=== ''It's a Dog's Life'' [1.4] ===
:'''Trish Langley''': My little niece here is into electronic music: Tweeters, woofers, heavy metal. Still sounds like cats in heat.
:'''Echo Cramer''': And so do you, Aunt Trish. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom Cassidy''': Abby's told me a lot about you, Mrs. Fletcher. It's an honour to meet a world famous writer.
:'''Jessica''': Oh, but an infamous writer, I'm afraid.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Abby Benton Freestone''': Around here, some of the real beasts walk on two legs.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marcus Boswell''': Hello again, Echo. I'm sorry we have to meet under such sad circumstances.
:'''Echo''': Funny. That's what the undertaker said.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Just as I suspected. When under stress, the English always head for the teapot.

=== ''Lovers and Other Killers'' [1.5] ===
:'''Dr. Edmund Gerard''': You're a very famous person these days.
:'''Jessica''': Oh, Edmund! [[w:Elizabeth_Taylor|Elizabeth Taylor]], now that is famous! Me, I still have to take a number at Hoopers Bakery, same as ever.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Starving students should not joke about money with successful writers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Oh, Amelia, for heaven's sake! Only a blind person would misread your feelings for Edmund, who it seems is in desperate need of a very good optometrist.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jack Kowalski''': You ask a lot of questions.
:'''Jessica''': I'm nosy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''David Tolliver''': I was enjoying your writing. Send me a copy of the book when it's finished?
:'''Jessica''': I may do better. You may end up being a character.
:'''David''': And what would I be? A victim, a suspect, a killer?
:'''Jessica''': I don't know. I haven't made up my mind yet.

=== ''Hit, Run and Homicide'' [1.6] ===
:'''Jessica''': ''[About her speech for Founder's Day]'' Well, how does this sound? &quot;Captain Joshua Wade: A free-spirited adventurer who seized opportunities wherever he could find them.&quot; 
:'''Lois''': Jessica, he was a pirate.
:'''Jessica''': Well, I'm trying to state that as delicately as I can.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daniel O'Brien''': A whirlwind courtship. Better nail her down fast.
:'''Katie Simmons''': Well, that sure is interesting advice, especially coming from the country's original confirmed bachelor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tony Holiday''': Ms. Fletcher, anything new on the investigation?
:'''Jessica''': Sheriff Tupper is exploring several possibilities.
:'''Daniel''': Got out his own ouija board, huh?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tony'''ː ''[About a psychiatric evaluation for an insanity plea]'' I know you hate the idea that Uncle Daniel might be unbalanced but what I do know is that neither of us want to see him end up in jail.
:'''Jessica'''ː No, we don't. Whatever happened to the notion &quot;Innocent until proven guilty&quot;?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daniel'''ː May I offer a toast to the two ladies in my life? To the one who just saved my life and to the other who's been saving it for years, only I was too preoccupied to notice.

=== ''We're off to Kill the Wizard'' [1.7] ===
:'''Jessica'''ː A good guest is like [[w:Halley's_Comet|Halley's Comet]], seen and enjoyed, seldom and briefly. Right after my lecture, I go straight back to Cabot Cove.
:'''Carol Donovan'''ː I'll miss you.
:'''Jessica'''ː Good. Then you'll invite me back again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica'''ː Mr. Baldwin, have you lured me here to offer me some sort of job?
:'''Horatio'''ː Please, Mrs. Fletcher, permit me the seduction before you cry rape.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Horatio'''ː Horatio Baldwin presents J.B. Fletcher's Mansion of Murder and Mayhem! A panoply of blood and gore! Chills and thrills! Screaming Mimis in three octavesǃ The kids will love it!
:'''Jessica'''ː The kids?
:'''Horatio'''ː Who do you think pays to see this stuff? Don't you go to the movies?
:'''Jessica'''ː When [[w:Cary_Grant|Cary Grant]] bowed out, so did I.
:'''Horatio''': Violence! That's what pays, Mrs. Fletcher. That's money in the bank.
:'''Jessica''': No, that's disgraceful!
:'''Horatio''': Come, come, dear lady. Why this moral outrage? I read your books. We're in the same business.
:'''Jessica''': No, Mr. Baldwin. I write for people who read. You apparently stage your bloodbaths for tots who have not yet learned to differentiate the difference between your sordid charades and the real world. There's quite a difference.
:'''Horatio''': I'm not used to being refused.
:'''Jessica''': They do say a new experience broadens the mind.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phillip''': ''[About Horatio Baldwin]'' Face it, Mrs. Fletcher. Beneath the Santa Claus smile beat the heart of a sewer rat.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Since Mr. Gardner risked bringing me here at the point of a gun, I assume he feels a very strong attachment to you.
:'''Erica Baldwin''': For the past two years, Horatio chose a celibate life, Mrs. Fletcher. With Michael's co-operation, I didn't.

=== ''Death Takes a Curtain Call'' [1.8] ===
:'''Major Anatole Karzof''': Major Anatole Karzof, [[w:KGB|Committee of State Security]].
:'''Jessica''': KGB.
:'''Major Karzof''': Oh well, if you prefer.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Major Karzof''': Radicals! So vociferous on camera but quiet as church mice after interrogation.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Major Karzof''': You're not being very helpful, Sheriff. I want to find them and now!
:'''Sheriff Tupper''': Major, there's no call to raise your voice. I'm doing my best.
:'''Major Karzof''': I'm becoming very aware of that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Skip Fleming''': Well, if no one objects, I'll just get the hell out of here.
:'''Jessica''': I was about to suggest the same thing, Mr. Fleming. Good night.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Major Karzof''': Farewell, my dear Jessica. I look forward to your next novel. 
:'''Jessica''': I'd like to send you a signed copy if it won't compromise you in the Kremlin.
:'''Major Karzof''': Sometimes, a man likes to be compromised, eh?

=== ''Death Casts a Spell'' [1.9] ===
:''[About attending a hypnosis session]''
:'''Andy Townsend''': I managed to scare up a few of the local reporters but having you in the group would give it a real touch of class.
:'''Jessica''': Thanks but I'm headed for my bed. I'm going to go to sleep the old-fashioned way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Good morning, Mr. Michaels.
:'''Bud Michaels''': Is it? I didn't notice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': An unfaithful mate is the oldest motive in the world.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': That's the puzzle. Those who were inside didn't have motives and those with motives couldn't get inside.

=== ''Capital Offense'' [1.10] ===
:'''Jessica''': Doesn't sound very honest to me.
:'''Joe Blinn''': In this city, that is a word for which there is no clear definition.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Det. Lt. Avery Mendelsohn''': Maybe you should have been a cop.
:'''Jessica''': I am a cop... when I'm at the typewriter.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kaye Sheppard''': Mrs. Fletcher, how delightful you could join me.
:'''Jennifer''': I could hardly refuse your urgent invitation, Mrs... or is it Miss Sheppard?
:'''Kaye''': Miss. Permanently. Irrevocably.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Amazing. You didn't choke and you hardly blinked an eyelash. 
:'''Ray Dixon''': What?
:'''Jessica''': Lying is a very difficult art, Mr. Dixon, but you have mastered it beautifully.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Murderer''': I'm no different than anyone else in this town, Mrs. Fletcher. You buy and you sell people, legislation and influence. There's a price tag on everything and everyone. And I was doing real well too until Martha got just a little too big for her pantyhose.
:'''Jessica''': And did you think you were the only one to play the game of buy and sell?

=== ''Broadway Malady'' [1.11] ===
:'''Rita Bristol''': We'll knock their shoes off!
:'''Barry Bristol''': Socks.
:'''Rita''': Those too!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rita''': ''[About Jessica Fletcher]'' This lady happens to write the most delicious mysteries this side of Conan Doyle.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rita''': Funny thing about having your name in lights. When the power fails, you learn a lot about yourself and your &quot;friends&quot;.

=== ''Murder to a Jazz Beat'' [1.12] ===
:'''Lafayette Duquesne''': I always say that whatever time a man's got spending it with good food, good friends, good music and good conversation, man can't die no ways but happy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonathan Hawley''': In [[w:New_Orleans|New Orleans]]! It's a cajun paradise! The cradle of jazz, oozing the warmth of provincial France, boasting the most succulent culinary delights this side of Paris, tastes and smells worthy of kings and their consorts!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonathan''': Cops. That's the one thing about New Orleans that's no different from the rest of the country.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': I see. You're a patron of the arts.
:'''Dr. Aaron Kramer''': No, that's someone with class. I'm just a talent broker with a tin ear.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonathan''': You'd have thrived very nicely in the old West, Detective Kershaw. You have a fine talent for hip-shooting.

=== ''My Johnny Lies Over the Ocean'' [1.13] ===
:'''Carla Raymond''': I'll feel much better after I get my hair done!
:'''Phoebe Carroll''': You had your hair done!
:'''Carla''': That was yesterday!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': The truth is that you can be married to someone and think you know them intimately. And then... Well, it's hard to know yourself, let alone another person.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Captain Daniels''': If she's insane, then I am too.
:'''Jessica''': That's precisely what the Bordens said about their daughter [[w:Lizzie_Borden|Lizzie]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phoebe''': All right, Ms. Pig Out. Don't ask to borrow my bathing suit. No way!
:'''Carla''': ''[scarfing down cake]'' Listen, Phoebe! Stuff it, will ya?
:'''Phoebe''': That's cute. I like that. Look who's talking?
:'''Carla''': I happen to be the victim of a very tragic love affair.
:'''Phoebe''': You talking about the king of the cowboys? He was a jerk, Carla!
:'''Carla''': He was cute! And he was single.
:'''Phoebe''': There's a very good reason for that.

=== ''Paint Me a Murder'' [1.14] ===
:'''Willard Kaufmann''': First rule of eavesdropping: Never complain if you don't like what you hear.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Margo Santana''': ''[Indicating Willard and Belle]'' I don't suppose you'd like to play peacemaker. There's a minor war breaking out over there.
:'''Insp. Henry Kyle''': Yes, Diego's taste in old friends is so egomaniacal it's a wonder any of them speak the same language. I'll see what I can do but charming snakes has always been one of my minor talents.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Henry''': ''[Deadpan]'' J.B. Fletcher. I can hardly wait.
:'''Diego Santana''': Oh, you know her?
:'''Henry''': Only by reputation.
:'''Diego''': You'll have a treat in store, Henry.
:'''Henry''': I find most women author to be cold fish, particularly the mystery writers. All this nonsense about bodies buried in rose gardens.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Belle''': I looked over at Margo and I thought the way she was looking at Diego was the same way I used to look at him. I'm sorry, Elaine. I've been trying very hard for the last three days but I guess I'm not sophisticated enough to play the charade, that's all.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sir John Landry''': The art business is very volatile, subject to the whims of a tasteless public.

=== ''Tough Guys Don't Die'' [1.15] ===
:'''Harry McGraw''': It took a lot of guts to face me down in here, not knowing who I was.
:'''Jessica''': Didn't take any guts at all, Mr. McGraw. While I was out, I phoned the Sheriff.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harry''': Look, Mrs. Fletcher, why don't you take some advice? Why don't you devote that boundless energy of yours to needlepoint or bridge club?
:'''Jessica''': I tried that and that's precisely the reason I wrote my first book. I was bored out of my mind.
:'''Harry''': Well, I read your first book and I was bored out of ''my'' mind.
:'''Jessica''': It's your privilege.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Det. Lt. Starkey''': Archie Miles was like a father to us. We didn't just like the guy. We loved him, all of us. So believe me, we want to see his killer go down. Permanently. And that's why we're all gonna stay out of Harry McGraw's way.
:'''Jessica''': So Mr. McGraw can try, sentence and execute him?
:'''Det. Starkey''': Naturally, we'd prefer he turn him over to us first.
:'''Jessica''': And if he doesn't?
:'''Det. Starkey''': Then at least, we won't have to worry about the possibility of some slick lawyer getting the dirt bag off on a technicality.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harry''': You are trouble.
:'''Jessica''': Thank you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Mr. McGraw, may I make a suggestion?
:'''Harry''': Why should you stop now?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gavin Daniels''': I'm gonna tell you a secret, Jessica. I'm still in love with the woman, always will be. That's why we've enjoyed such a marvelous divorce.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Det. Starkey''': Harry, don't do something stupid.
:'''Harry''': Is that official or just a piece of friendly advice?
:'''Det. Starkey''': Both.
:'''Harry''': You know me, Starkey. I never shot a rattlesnake that didn't bite me first.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harry''': ''[Confronting the killer]'' You better pray you get convicted 'cause that's the only way you're gonna see your next birthday.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harry''': Life's a circus, do you understand? Now some people, they just see the tents and they drive by. Other people are in there walking on the high-wire. That's me. All I'm saying is don't sit back and watch. Jump in.
:'''Jessica''': Harry, I do believe you are offering me a job!
:'''Harry''': McGraw &amp; Fletcher. Your brains, my knuckles.

=== ''Sudden Death'' [1.16] ===
:'''Phil Kreuger''': This is Web McCord, my associate. He's the one that collects Leopards.
:'''Jessica''': Not the wild variety, I hope.
:'''Web McCord''': No, but some of these animals belong in cages.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brad Lockwood''': Phil died intestate.
:'''Mavis Kreuger''': How awful! I never knew that about Phil.
:'''Brad''': Mavis, that means he didn't leave a will.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coach Pat Patillo''': Mrs. Fletcher, I think you just put my defensive captain on the injured reserve.
:'''Jessica''': Does that mean he's not dead?
:'''Coach Patillo''': Not quite.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Web''': Mrs. Fletcher is something of an amateur detective.
:'''Jessica''': No, I'm just trying to help a friend.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grover Dillon''': Be careful, Mrs. Fletcher. People who get hurt by football aren't always on the field.
:'''Jessica''': I think someone was just trying to scare me off.
:'''Grover''': Looks like you don't scare easily.
:'''Jessica''': I scare all right, but at least it proves I'm on the right track.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tank Mason''': I've been watching you and you've got pretty good wind for an old broad... I'm sorry. I bet you're very well-preserved... No, what I mean is-
:'''Jessica''': ''[Laughs]'' I know what you mean, Tank. And thanks for the compliment.

=== ''Footnote to Murder'' [1.17] ===
:'''Jessica''': Are we going to that reception?
:'''Horace Lynchfield''': With free drinks, that is a rhetorical question.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiffany Harrow''': You know, it's too bad you're not up for an award this year, Mr. Post.
:'''Hemsley Post''': Well, even the mighty oak must let a little sunshine on the rising saplings.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hemsley''': Why don't you come back after the party? Have a drink?
:'''Alexis Post''': Thank you. I'd rather remember things the way they were.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lucinda Lark''': Isn't it exciting? Everyone's reading &quot;Woman Unleashed&quot;!
:'''Adrian Winslow''': Well, that sort of thing has always sold well over and under the counter.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiffany''': I'm not a writer. By and large, writers starve. The power of money is in publishing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frank Lapinski''': I've read a couple of your books. Lightweight, but kind of fun.
:'''Jessica''': Thank you very much. I never planned to be [[w:Fyodor_Dostoyevsky|Dostoevsky]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Adrian''': I suppose you're going to steal Hemsley's murder for a book?
:'''Jessica''': Well, good plots are hard to come by. But of course, this one doesn't have an ending.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': At the risk of sounding like a nag horse, you're gonna have to do something about your drinking.
:'''Horace''': Are you saying to cut back? That's like depriving a race car of its gasoline.

=== ''Murder Takes the Bus'' [1.18] ===
:'''Miriam Radford''': I think you're a wonderful writer. In fact, you're in my top ten most stolen list.
:'''Jessica''': Your what?
:'''Miriam''': Most stolen. I'm a librarian. We have had to replace copies of your books a dozen times over the last couple of years. People check them out and absolutely will not return them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Miriam''': As you can see, my husband's mind is cluttered with all sorts of interesting trivia.
:'''Prof. Kent Radford''': Better a little cluttered than a empty attic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Tupper''': After his speech, they had a drawing for the big TV set. I knew we should have been there.
:'''Jessica''': Oh, Amos, I'm so sorry. But as nice as that TV set might have been, I'm sure you can live without it.
:'''Sheriff Tupper''': But it wasn't my name they drew, Ms. Fletcher. It was yours.

=== ''Armed Response'' [1.19] ===
:'''Milton Porter''': Gross negligence, open-handed! We're looking at $50,000 here minimum 
:'''Jessica''': Oh, that's ridiculous!
:'''Milton''': You're right. We'll make it $100,000!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Samuel Garver''': Ms. Wells, I'm very familiar with Mr. Ogden's complaints. Now, there's nothing wrong with that man.
:'''Nurse Jennie Wells''': No, sir. Nothing that would show up on a chart.
:'''Dr. Sam''': How nice that we agree. Bye now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': (Your cast) looks very uncomfortable. How did you do it?
:'''Sadie Winthrope''': Got mine trying to take a shortcut on the Texas two-step.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nurse Marge Horton''': Maine can be beautiful this time of year, Mrs. Fletcher.
:'''Jessica''': Maine is beautiful any time of the year, Ms. Horton. Though I must confess I don't miss those 10 foot snowdrifts.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lt. Ray Jenkins''': I just got transferred here from a real rough neighborhood. Now to me, a murder is when a guy in a bar kills another guy in a bar.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Of course it's the murder weapon! Whoever heard of framing anyone with the wrong gun?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Milton''': Mrs. Fletcher, is that all you've got to say to me after all we've been through?
:'''Jessica''': There is one other thing. See you in court.

=== ''Murder at the Oasis'' [1.20] ===
:'''Peggy Shannon''': Forget it, Jess. I'm not ready for romance.
:'''Jessica''': But it's been years since your divorce from Johnny!
:'''Peggy''': I survived the divorce. I'm not sure I survived the marriage.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peggy''': Mickey, what do you know about last night?
:'''Mickey Shannon''': We both know. Johnny Shannon wasn't loved by his loved ones.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Buster Bailey''': ''[About Mickey]'' He hates guns. When all the kids were playing Cops and Robbers, he was playing Agents and Accountants.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peggy''': Once, he even took a girl away from Buster Bailey.
:'''Jessica''': Buster must have resented that.
:'''Peggy''': It broke his heart. Until he made a joke about it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Det. Sgt. Barnes''': I remember rumors of Johnny having mob connections. But why would they want to have him iced?
:'''Jessica''': Suppose he had a falling out with Milo Valentine?
:'''Det. Barnes''': That wouldn't be a falling out. That'd be a plunge in Lake Michigan with concrete booties on.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terry Shannon''': ''[Seeing a video recording of her father flirting with a showgirl]'' That guy on the screen is some stranger. My daddy is the man is this picture with Mickey and me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Buster''': You don't think I would stoop to listening in at keyholes? ''[Jessica gives him a look]'' Okay, okay, so I happened to drop a cigar and my ear chanced to rub the door as I went to pick the cigar up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Murderer''': ''[Surrendering the murder weapon]'' You really do take the prize.
:'''Jessica''': This means a great deal to me.
:'''Murderer''': As a trophy of your victory?
:'''Jessica''': No, as the only real evidence I have that you killed Johnny Shannon.

=== ''Funeral at Fifty-Mile'' [1.21] ===
:'''Sally Mestin''': What's on your alleged mind, honey?
:'''Mary Carver''': You are, ma'am! You are on my mind, you are in my hair and you're on my nerves!

== Season 2 ==
=== ''Widow, Weep for Me'' [2.1] ===
:'''Jessica''': ''[Posing as a rich spoiled widow]'' My wire specified your largest finest suite.
:'''Desk Clerk''': I'm afraid, madam, that the King Louie is already occupied but I'm sure you'll find the Bonaparte quite acceptable.
:'''Jessica''': Young woman, I have never found that [[w:Napoleon|little Corsican]] even barely tolerable.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Myrna Montclair LeRoy''': Well, I do hope you enjoy your stay.
:'''Jessica''': I'm sure I will, Ms. Montclair, or it will be a short one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief Inspector Claude Rensselaer''': Madame, do you realize that your assumed identity and all this gaudy jewelry makes you a target for the thief? 
:'''Jessica''': Well, I certainly hope so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': It's a pity you're so shy.
:'''Michael Hagarty''': God cursed me with a natural gift of the gab and an unnatural interest in my fellow man.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheldon Greenberg''': I've been thinking about what you said about Eric Brahm.
:'''Chief Inspector Rensselaer''': Your employer?
:'''Sheldon''': Hey, my loyalty stops at two dead bodies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Michael Hagarty''': You know, I'm a bit annoyed with you.
:'''Jessica''': That's nothing compared to what I feel for you, Mr. Hagarty. You gave me a very nasty scare earlier today and now I feel merely angry.
:'''Michael''': But no longer frightened. That makes you either very brave or very foolish.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Myrna''': Eric had nothing with those murders!
:'''Eric Brahm''': Myrna, be quiet.
:'''Myrna''': So you can be crucified on the cross of innuendo? My god, the whispers can be heard clear to the States.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Michael''': What's this I've always heard about crusty New Englanders?
:'''Jessica''': It's just a rumor started by our forefathers to keep out the tourists.
:'''Michael''': I see. And if someday I should show up at your doorstep?
:'''Jessica''': An exception might be made.
:'''Michael''': Then in that case, the question is no longer if but when.

=== ''Joshua Peabody Died Here... Possibly'' [2.2] ===
:'''Harry Pierce''': This isn't some bird sanctuary that you're trying to save. This could get ugly.
:'''David Marsh''': It already has.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Del Scott''': I'm here covering Henderson Wheatley's latest controversial enterprise. I would like your opinion
:'''Jessica''': My opinion? Why?
:'''Del''': You're Cabot Cove's most famous citizen.
:'''Jessica''': For my books, not my opinions.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Henderson Wheatley''': What kind of a jerkwater town is this?
:'''Jessica''': A town that knows how to take care of itself, Mr. Wheatley.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Tupper''': David, you have the right to remain silent.
:'''Jessica''': And I think that would be a good idea.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''FBI Agt. Fred Keller''': A man must be pretty special to have people willing to stand up before an agent of the United States Department of Justice and each one willing to risk charges of purgery, obstruction of justice and harboring a fugitive. Not many men have friends like that.

=== ''Murder in the Afternoon'' [2.3] ===
:'''Herbert Upton''': ''A woman is ne'er a woman 'til time does line her face,''
:''For it's time that gives her beauty and charm and quiet grace.''
:'''Bibi Hartman''': [[w:Robert_Burns|Robert Burns]].
:'''Herbert''': Herbert Upton.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julian Tenley''': C'mon now, you two. Don't let a long day and frazzled nerves make you say things that you don't really mean.
:'''Joyce Holleran''': Julian, if you don't mind-
:'''Julian''': Anger left standing only festers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lt. Antonelli''': Mrs. Fletcher, let me be frank. Your kind of writing is not my kind of reading.
:'''Jessica''': Well, Lieutenant, let me be even franker. Anyone who is capable of imagining that my niece can commit murder is being grossly overpaid for taking up valuable space in this office.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Look, lieutenant. We're both looking for the same thing. Cooperation is the only way!
:'''Lt. Antonelli''': I've stopped looking.

=== ''School for Scandal'' [2.4] ===
:'''Beryl Hayward''': Jessica, I am so looking forward to hearing your commencement address.
:'''Jessica''': Well, I'm still rewriting. Books are easy compared to speeches.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne Clover''': You remember Nick, mother?
:'''Dr. Jocelyn Laird''': I'm afraid I do. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Jocelyn''': Daphne, I don't want to be rude.
:'''Daphne Clover''': But you're going to try.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Art is where it's at. My business manager just bought me a few impressionists. You know what they say: &quot;Keep your money where you can see it&quot;, right? I hear [[w:Pablo_Picasso|Picasso]] is really hot.
:'''Jessica''': Well, his pictures may be hot but I hear that Picasso is dead.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Chief, excuse me, but I'm not sure-
:'''Police Chief E. Griffin''': I am, Mrs. Fletcher.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Jocelyn Laird''': Do you know how much I made for that Walt Whitman biography? Barely enough to pay for a second-hand car. Then I heard how much one of those trash merchants were paid recently. Sordid sex, that's what they wanted. And I was a proper pauper in the literary world while hacks with a third-rate vocabulary were living like royalty!

=== ''Sing a Song of Murder'' [2.5] ===
:'''Oliver Trumbull''': A bloke never gets in trouble chasing women. It's after they're caught the trouble begins.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emma McGill''': You know, if this weather weren't so ghastly, I think we'd have done much better.
:'''Bridget O'Hara''': Right. That and have the powerman black out the telly.
:'''Emma''': Oh, for pity's sake! Television can't compare with the sort of live entertainment that we provide.
:'''Bridget''': Well, you're right about that. But nothing goes on forever. Even ol' Queen Victoria found that out, she did.
:'''Emma''': If you're hinting that I should retire-
:'''Bridget''': Oh, no, ma'am. I've passed by hinting around six years ago.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Emma, you've set me up.
:'''Emma''': Oh, no, luv! I've merely put you in a position to learn something. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bridget''': His wife, Violet? Now there's one who would make [[w:Lady_Macbeth|Lady Macbeth]] seem like a flower girl.

=== ''Reflections of the Mind'' [2.6] ===
:'''Francesca Lodge''': I thought I was alone. I heard noises. I guess I overreacted.
:'''Jessica''': That's enough to frighten anyone. Believe me, I'm an expert on the subject. In my books, of course.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Sheriff Bodine has learned that a murder was done due to drugs and not mechanical trouble]''
:'''Sheriff Bodine''':  You know I got grease all over my best uniform?
:'''Jessica''': It could have been the brake line.
:'''Sheriff Bodine''': That's all right, ma'am. If it wasn't for you, we could still be saying it was nothing but an accident.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Margaret, did you clear away the cocktail things yesterday?
:'''Margaret''': Yes. Are the glasses clean?
:'''Jessica''': Yes, they're absolutely spotless. But this is a new unopened bottle. 
:'''Margaret''': Yes, ma'am.
:'''Jessica''': But when Mr. Lodge made the drinks yesterday, he opened a new bottle and there should be a good part of that one left.
:'''Margaret''': In all my years, I've never been accused of dipping into the household liquor!
:'''Jessica''': No, that isn't what I meant.
:'''Margaret''': I know what you meant, ma'am! But if you're looking for somebody with a dry mouth and a shifty eye, you should talk to that no-account gardener Carl.
:'''Jessica''': No, you misunderstood. What I'm saying is that the gin in that bottle could be very dangerous.
:'''Margaret''': You can say that again. It was gin that carried off my brother Arnold, may he rest in peace. That's why I never touch the stuff.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': What is it about a death that makes people have second thoughts about what they've written down on paper?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Well, at least keep an open mind.
:'''Sheriff Bodine''': Funny. I was about to offer you the same suggestion.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': I heard something last night. Someone was in this room.
:'''Sheriff Bodine''': Well then, he was wearing a red suit and left his reindeer on the roof because even the windows are nailed shut.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Even ghosts disturb dust when they move vases.

=== ''A Lady in the Lake'' [2.7] ===
:'''Grace Overholtz''': Your job is to look after the boats, not the female guests!
:'''Jack Turney''': She made the moves on me. I had to be polite.
:'''Grace''': She is married!
:'''Jack''': I think she knows that. Anything else, boss lady?
:'''Grace''': Jack, don't look for trouble.
:'''Jack''': That's not what I was looking for.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Howard Crane''': ''[About one of her books]'' The cover showed some babe in a sexy nightgown. I never got to the good stuff.
:'''Jessica''': I sometimes have a little difficulty living up to my covers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Tupper''': As soon as I have Crane's statement, I'll have this case all wrapped up.
:'''Jessica''': You sound awfully sure of that.
:'''Sheriff Tupper''': I wish they were all this easy. They don't always an unimpeachable eyewitness like you, Mrs. Fletcher.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Tupper''': This is gonna look real good to the grand jury. The prosecution's star witness trying to prove that the accused is innocent of the crime that she saw him commit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[About Joanna's habit of running naked in the woods]''
:'''Jessica''': Isn't that an unusually beautiful robe? But then I gathered that you are a very unusual young lady.
:'''Joanna Benson''': You saw me in the woods this morning.
:'''Jessica''': Barely.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Murderer''': It wasn't fair!
:'''Jessica''': And what you did to Carolyn Clare, was that fair?

=== ''Dead Heat'' [2.8] ===
:'''Vince Shackman''': You like surprises, Bowen? So do I, except I like to do the surprising.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': I'm not much of a better.
:'''Ernie''': That's what I used to say before my brother Ron dragged me to the races so now I put my dollar in my money belt under my shorts. That way, I gotta undress to get to my cash.
:'''Jessica''': That's one way to hold on to your money.
:'''Ernie''': Are you kiddin'? If I had a hot one, I'd go to the window in my birthday suit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tracy McGill''': Dad was here last week. He doesn't think much of having a jockey in the family.
:'''Jessica''': Give him time to get used to the idea. Remember the time he swore he'd never use unleaded gas?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Christine Carpenter''': Jessica has given me my first winner of the day.
:'''Jessica''': Something about the color of my scarf. I hope the horse knows.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': I'm delighted to help.
:'''Lt. Misko''': You will be more help than I'll need.
:'''Jessica''': Believe me, lieutenant, I have no intention of butting into your case.
:'''Lt. Misko''': My gut tells me different. Maybe it's indigestion.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': By the way, there is one little thing that has been bothering me.
:'''Pat Phillips''': Only one? Glad to hear it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vince''': Now to you, I may look like a bad guy. But I'm a normal person, just like you. I own a house with a mortgage, I drive a nice car, my wife is a kvetch but I love her, my eldest is going to dental school, my daughter is heavily into ballet. But this Bowen thing is messing everything up.
:'''Jessica''': And it's messing up my niece Tracy as well.
:'''Vince''': If I thought she iced the guy, I'd give her a bunch of roses and a good lawyer.
:'''Jessica''': She didn't!
:'''Vince''': She must know ''something'' about the race! Anything! Because if she doesn't, in the next couple of days, my wife may be heavily into mourning and grieving.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lt. Misko''': You see, the last two years, I've been keeping track of my bets in this little black book. Not using real money, mind you, because with real money, I'd be, what, 350,000 dollars in the hole. But I figure that's how much I may have had with therapy.
:'''Jessica''': But every once in a while, a big winner comes and spoils your fun.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cabbie''': Where'd you get your license from, the Braille Institute?!
:'''Guzman''': How'd you like to wear that steering wheel for a bowtie?!

=== ''Jessica Behind Bars'' [2.9] ===
:'''Mary Stamm''': I used to always dream of being a writer.
:'''Jessica''': It's never too late to start. Look at me. I'm living proof.
:'''Mary''': You didn't have to fight your way past the parole board.
:'''Jessica''': I can't believe you'll ever have a difficult time. Why? What are you in for?
:'''Mary''': I murdered my husband.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Ms. Tug, I thought your story was quite delightful.
:'''Tug''': Say what?
:'''Jessica''': I particularly liked the way the gas station bandit was caught, having the getaway car shift into reverse by mistake and crash into the police car. Now that showed a great deal of imagination.
:'''Tug''': Not exactly. That's the way it happened.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Why would the cook come running to the doctor's office?
:'''Bertha''': Maybe she ate some of her own cooking.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': If this is [[w:Navarin_(food)|navarin printanier]], I'm afraid both the lamb and the vegetables died of old age. I suggest you give it a decent burial.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': What about Mary? She had a parole hearing coming up?
:'''Warden Elizabeth Gates''': She still does.
:'''Jessica''': Perhaps I should warn you. I intend to do everything in my power to help with that hearing.
:'''Warden Gates''': Don't worry, Jessica. So do I.

=== ''Sticks and Stones'' [2.10] ===
:'''Jessica''': Er... Michael, about this series of books that you are writing -
:'''Michael Digby''': -all dealing with undiscovered pockets of Americana rich in heritage.
:'''Jessica''': Yes, well, uh-
:'''Michael''': I hope this won't sound vain but I'm going to put Cabot Cove on the map.
:'''Jessica''': If I'm not mistaken, it already is.
:'''Michael''': I mean everybody's map! And the last place I covered has really boomed! A new golf course, artist condos, a marina.
:'''Jessica''': But what happened to the heart of the town?
:'''Michael''': They turned it into a shopping mall.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Elvira Tree''': I do not have to submit to these insults. I will have you off my property, Mr. Hoffman!
:'''Friedrich Hoffman''': You forget my lease!
:'''Elvira''': You, sir, forget your manners!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amos Tupper''': My peacekeeping days are behind me... Of course, nothing to say I couldn't help out, especially for an old friend like Harry.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': I'm just thinking about what's happening to this town.
:'''Michael''': You mean my book? I know you don't think much of it-
:'''Jessica''': Oh no no, I was referring to some unpleasant undercurrents, not to mention electrical currents.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Harry Pierce''': One thing is sure. I've got the killer behind bars. Now I just have to figure out which one it is.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Michael''': This is one town I'd like to remember the way it was before I got here.

=== ''Murder Digs Deep'' [2.11] ===
:'''Jessica''': ''[Fanning herself]'' Is the weather always like this?
:'''Dr. Seth Hazlitt''': Nope! It starts to get hot in a couple of hours. Jess, when I suggested you write a book called &quot;Murder at the Dig&quot;, I never dreamed you'd come meandering out to a place like this.
:'''Jessica''': Suggested? As I recall, it was more like a dare!
:'''Dr. Hazlitt''': Now that I don't recall. In any case, when you leave here, you'll have one hell of a book or one hell of a suntan. Maybe even both.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Well, I've met the resident egomaniac, the ingenue and the juvenile.
:'''Dr. Hazlitt''': Not to mention the mysterious Indian and the crusty Yankee doctor.
:'''Jessica''': At this rate, I'll have enough characters for a trilogy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Stan Garfield''': So will you be working with us in the pit?
:'''Jessica''': Wherever the action is!
:'''Dr. Hazlitt''': I hope you enjoy digging a six-foot trench with a teaspoon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': How do you do?
:'''Cynthia Armstrong''': Don't ask.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Hazlitt''': Karen and Steve. They've been sniping at each other since I got here.
:'''Jessica''': Well, it's either a case of heat rash or... something else.
:'''Dr. Hazlitt''': What, you mean romance?! C'mon, you've seen too many [[w:Clark_Gable|Gable]] [[w:Jean_Harlow|Harlow]] movies!
:'''Jessica''': Seth, the trouble with you is you haven't seen enough.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Hazlitt''': That Armstrong fella is amazing. He could fall into a pig sty and come up president of the hogs.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Benton''': Archaeology is a harsh mistress, Mrs. Fletcher. I remember an expedition in the wilds of Kenya that was positively life-threatening! Weeks of incredible rain! I lost two Louis Vuitton bags.
:'''Jessica''': You must have been devastated.
:'''Dr. Benton''': One endures.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Mr. Armstrong, at the risk of aggravating your already short-tempered disposition, may I remind you that there are laws regarding kidnapping even in New Mexico?
:'''Gideon Armstrong''': You're not a prisoner, Mrs. Fletcher. Feel free to leave anytime you want, but not in one of my vehicles. I would remind you that there are laws regarding grand theft in New Mexico.
:'''Jessica''': Not to mention murder.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Hazlitt''': The next time I invite you to a place like this, kick me.
:''''Jessica''': Well, the next time I accept, kick ''me''.

=== ''Murder by Appointment Only'' [2.12] ===
:'''Jessica''': I'm looking for Grady Fletcher.
:'''Glenda Vandevere''': Sorry, I've never heard of him.
:'''Jessica''': But he works in the Lila Lee company.
:'''Glenda''': God help him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Norman Amberson''': A good secretary learns to forge her boss' signature.
:'''Glenda''': I'm saving that for something really big.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Are you so sure it's a robbery? Or did the killer just want it to look that way?
:'''Lieutenant Varick''': Maybe it was a robbery because it looked that way. This is New York, Mrs. Fletcher. This kind of self-employment is a way of life for some people.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fiona Keeler''': ''[To Jessica]'' If you're an example of what the Vice Squad is sending out these days, our taxpayer dollars are well spent.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': It's so unlike the girl I remember. I mean when did she change? Why?
:'''Fiona''': I'm so glad you're without sin, Mrs. Fletcher.
:'''Jessica''': I'm not casting stones, Ms. Keeler. I'm just trying to understand. Why did she feel that way? She wasn't underprivileged, she had a good background...
:'''Fiona''': None of my girls came up from the street.
:'''Jessica''': I'm sorry. It's... it's absolutely senseless!
:'''Fiona''': Was her life more senseless than her death?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fiona''': Most men are fairly unpredictable. But a few aren't. Those are the dangerous ones.

=== ''Trial by Error'' [2.13] ===
:'''Frank Lord''': This jury has just been hung by this gentleman with the open mind!
:'''Josh Corbin''': More like an open cavity if you ask me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Thornton Bentley''': ''[About the defendant]'' And I'll tell you something else, Callahan. Mr. Moneybags is not what he seems.
:'''Ally Collins''': Moneybags? 
:'''Thornton''':Yeah. Rich and got it all! Used to havin' everything his own way!
:'''Frank''': Hey hey hey! He isn't rich. His wife had the money!
:'''Thornton''': He's got it now.
:'''Jessica''': Mr. Bentley, Mark Reynolds is on trial, not his lifestyle.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frank''': Lady, this is a very simple case of a one-night stand being marred by a tragic coincidence.
:'''Jessica''': Interesting that you should say coincidence.
:'''Ally''': And every whodunit's gotta have a few, right?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prosecutor Tom Casselli''': ''[To a motel owner]'' Mr. Harris, do you recognize anyone in the courtroom? 
:'''Fenton Harris''': In my business, it's good practice never to recognize the customers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frank''': Suppose this and suppose that. Now, you gotta stop this, Mrs. Fletcher. You can't turn this into one of your make-believe murder mysteries.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prosecutor Casselli:'''Had you known the deceased long? 
:'''Willie Patchecki''': Oh, yeah. We fished together, oh, five or six years. He was livin' with me for eight months.
:'''Prosecutor Casselli:''' Would you say he had a temper? 
:'''Willie''':Temper? ''[Laughs]'' Does week-old fish bait stink?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jackie MacKay''': Mrs. Fletcher has made a lot of sense so far. Why can't we just keep talking and listening, huh? I mean, we're 12 reasonably intelligent people here. We oughta be able to sort this thing out. Damn it! That's what we're here for, isn't it?
:'''Gerald Richards''': Well, she is right. Why don't we just keep at it?
:'''Drew Narramore''': Okay, Mrs. Fletcher, you have the floor.
:'''Jessica''': Oh, dear. I wish I could be a little bit more sure about what I'm doing with it.

=== ''Keep the Home Fries Burning'' [2.14] ===
:'''Dr. Hazlitt''': Breakfast time.
:'''Jessica''':But I've had breakfast.
:'''Dr. Hazlitt''': Ha! I know what you had: Dry toast and a cup of tea. That's mere food. This an experience! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': My goodness, Cornelia. I didn't know you'd left Dixon's Diner.
:'''Cornelia''': All my customers started coming here, so I thought I might as well join them.
:'''Dr. Hazlitt''': At least in the diner you didn't have to dress up as [[w:Betsy_Ross|Betsy Ross]].
:'''Jessica''': Doctors who make their rounds in hip boots hardly qualify as fashion experts.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Betty Fiddler''': ''[About the Joshua Peabody diner]'' Guess what! They don't have bathrooms. They have Adam's rooms. You get a choice: The [[w:John_Adams|John]] or the [[w:Abigail_Adams|Abigail]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Margo Perry''': ''[Chuckles as she analyses a mass food poisoning report]'' Baffling.
:'''Jessica''':You seem pleased.
:'''Margo''': Oh, I'm always pleased, Mrs. Fletcher, when I might be on to something new. Half the time, we never do discover what we're dealing with anyway. So any additional challenge is... enticing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Margo''': Sheriff, you'll alert the media? 
:'''Sheriff Tupper''': The media, ma'am? Oh! You mean Phil up the radio station? 
:'''Margo''': Don't you have a TV station? 
:'''Sheriff Tupper''': Lots. None of them local.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Margo''': Perhaps running tests might be a more effective use of your time, Dr. Hazlitt, instead of developing useless speculations with a crisis hound.
:'''Jessica''': A what? 
:'''Margo''': Oh, there's one in every town, Mrs. Fletcher. Some amateur who gloms on to a crisis and tries to turn an incident that has a perfectly normal scientific solution into a Byzantine plot.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Hazlitt''': &quot;Red as a beet, mad as a hatter.&quot; These are the symptoms of atropine poisoning.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Tupper''': Then it isn't food poisoning. It's-It's poison in the food, and that means...
:'''Jessica''': It was murder.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Tupper''': But, well, you know what they say: &quot;As Sheriff Tupper goes, so goes Cabot Cove.&quot;
:'''Dr. Hazlitt''': Who says that?
:'''Sheriff Tupper''': Everybody, when it comes to food.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Margo''': Preliminary tests show negative results for all substances.
:'''Jessica''': What is that in English? 
:'''Margo''': In English? Pfft.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': He's just not a real chef.
:'''Alan Dupree''': Why? Because I flunked out of Cordon Bleu aand because then I was fired by my father and my grandfather, and now the final ignominy, to be humiliated by the [[w:Julia_Child|Julia Child]] of Cabot Cove?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Tupper''':A mysterious stranger, huh? I've heard better stories from a poacher with a trap in one hand and a rabbit in the other.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harrison Fraser III''': Suppose we cut to the bottom line. It's my word against his. I have a great deal of influence in this part of New England.
:'''Jessica''': I'm sure you do, but connections won't help you to evade a simple answer to a simple question.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Margo''': Well, Mrs. Fletcher, I guess this is good-bye.
:'''Jessica''': Oh, you're leaving before the case is solved? 
:'''Margo''': My job is bad food, not murder.

=== ''Powder Keg'' [2.15] ===
:'''Prof. Ames Caulfield''': Ah, to be famous and adored instead of merely brilliant.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prof. Caulfield''': ''[When his car leaves him stranded]'' Obviously, the good Lord created this machine to keep me humble.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Bonner''': Son, you want to keep that badge, you better learn your job real quick. Folks hereabouts know how the law's supposed to operate, and they're gonna make damn sure it does.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Linda, I must tell you, I find this town, the atmosphere terrifying. It feels as if it's going to explode.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Bonner''': Are you an expert in killing, missus? 
:'''Jessica''':No, but I think I know something about people.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': I understand last night that you were prevented from stopping the fight by that young man from the service station.
:'''Pat Kelso''': Billy Willetts? Yeah, he stuck a knife in my back just as I was going for the old peacemaker there.
:'''Jessica''': What kind of knife was that, Mr. Kelso? 
:'''Pat''': Sharp, ma'am.

=== ''Murder in the Electric Cathedral'' [2.16] ===
:'''Carrie McKittrick''': At my age, 30 years seem like last month. It's last month I have trouble remembering.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rev. Willie John Fargo''': Ms. Jessica, surely you cannot believe I had anything to do with that dear woman's death?
:'''Jessica''': At the moment, I don't quite know what to believe.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''District Atty. Fred Whittaker''': Look, we have a very sensitive situation here.
:'''Jessica''':I realize that you have to be circumspect, but certainly the police- 
:'''District Atty. Whittaker''': The police? The chief and half his staff just went on sick leave. Seven county judges applied for vacation yesterday! 
:'''Jessica''': Oh, yes, I see. Leaving you- 
:'''District Atty. Whittaker''': ...leaving me holding a sackful of diamondback rattlers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': what puzzles me most is that a massive dose of insulin would almost certainly be fatal to someone who'd had a heart attack.
:'''District Atty. Whittaker''': Are you a doctor or something? 
:'''Jessica''': Writing murder mysteries almost qualifies me, believe me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Earl Fargo''': ''[About the reverend]'' Either he's the smartest [[w:Okie|Okie]] in the state or the dumbest millionaire west of the [[w:Ozarks|Ozarks]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rev. Fargo''': Ruth, why didn't you tell me? 
:'''Sister Ruth Fargo''': I did, Willie John, every day in a hundred different ways. But you were always too busy to hear.

=== ''One Good Bid Deserves a Murder'' [2.17] ===
:'''Jessica''': Well, you know that Cabot Cove bus. It is not a model of punctuality.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''William Readford''': It is Mrs. Fletcher, isn't it? J.B. Fletcher?
:'''Jessica''': Why yes, but- 
:'''William''':I'm an avid reader of the Sunday book review. William Readford.
:'''Jessica''':I know. I'm a sometimes reader of the society pages.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''William''': You wish to inspect the diary, Doctor, not speed-read its contents.
:'''Dr. Sylvia Dunn''': How am I supposed to bid on it if I don't know what's in it? 
:'''William''': You're in it, Doctor. That's all you have to know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sal Domino''': The last movie of yours, Sheila? Dynamite.
:'''Sheila Saxon''': I'm glad you liked it, Sal.
:'''Sal''': Actually, I thought it stunk. But you have always had a real talent for turning organic fertilizer into greenbacks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sal''': That is so beautiful, baby. When they start to hand out the Oscars for Best Performance by a Hustler, you're gonna get my vote.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''William''':Lieutenant, this is absurd. You can't just arbitrarily close down this auction.
:'''Lt. Casey''': Excuse me, sir, but the body of a famous movie star tumbles out of a piece of furniture. It's not exactly business as usual.
:'''William''': Your superiors will hear of this.
:'''Lt. Casey''': They usually do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lt. Casey''': McGraw, I'm giving you five seconds to get out that door before I throw you out.
:'''Harry McGraw''': Yeah, you do, Casey, and I'll go right to my pals on the Morning Bulletin and tell them how this Boston flatfoot with baked beans for brains just put himself in line for a foot patrol beat in Brockton.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harry''': I don't think it was such a hot idea leaving that million-dollar check with him.
:'''Jessica''':there's no possible way he could cash it, even if he wanted to.
:'''Harry''': Yeah, you don't know Boston cops

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harry''': One thing I like about you, Jessica, you got a real sense of propriety. You'd make a lousy private eye.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lt. Casey''': If I find you near another body, I'm gonna book you. If murder were a disease, you'd be contagious.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harry''': Yeah, well, uh, listen. I'm gonna be a little tied up tonight.
:''''Jessica'''':You've got a date, Harry? Oh, that's nice.
:'''Harry''': Well, you know, all work and no fooling around, uh, ain't exactly living.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harry''': Yeah, you're a real fairy godmother, aren't you? You know, I never hit a dame in my life, but you're just begging to be number one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': ''[Hearing McGraw's first name for the first time]'' Harlan?!!
:'''Harry''': Well, Jessica.
:'''Jessica''': Harlan...
:'''Lt. Casey''':Probably thought Harry sounded tougher. Well, it ain't!
:'''Harry''': Harry, Harlan, Harrison. Get off my back, will ya? What's the difference?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Harry, I know that was very difficult for you. But now that you've put that diary to rest, honestly, don't you feel better?
:'''Harry''': Honestly? Jessica, you must be nuts.

=== ''If a Body Meet a Body'' [2.18] ===
:'''Connie Vernon''': Henry had been seeing Phyllis for several months. I found out. Henry told me that it was all over between them.
:'''Jessica''': Well, maybe Henry just forgot to tell Phyllis that it was all over.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Hazlitt''': Amos, someday you're gonna break an ankle jumping to a conclusion.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ned Olson''': I just hate to see you get mixed-up with some hippie berry picker.
:'''Christy Olson''': He is a berry grower, Dad, and he's just going through a phase.
:'''Ned''': Dropping out of Harvard Business School to grow blueberries is no damn phase.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Phyllis Walters''': Sheriff, I swear to you, I had nothing to do with any of this.
:'''Sheriff Amos''': Nobody said you did yet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Tupper''': What is going on here?! First a missing man is dead, and then a dead man is missing!
:'''Deputy''': Sheriff? Sheriff, we just found Stew Bennett's van over on Ben Shipley's farm.
:'''Dr. Hazlitt''': Well, Amos, win one, lose one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Hazlitt''': You ever thought of becoming a writer? 
:'''Sheriff Tupper''': No, sir. Me and Mrs. Fletcher have got ourselves an understanding about that.
:'''Jessica''': We do? 
:'''Sheriff Tupper''': I don't write any books, and she don't give out any traffic tickets.

=== ''Christopher Bundy - Died on Sunday'' [2.19] ===
:'''Jessica''': Literary Lines Monthly! Now there is a misnomer. Anatomical, maybe. Literary? Never!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Upon seeing a bikini model after vowing never to fall in love at first sight again]''
:'''Grady''': Wow....
:'''Jessica''': Well, I see your new resolution hasn't dimmed your eyesight any, Grady.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Your children? I keep reading that your husband's the country's most eligible bachelor.
:'''Rachel D'Argento''': My husband? Oh, no, no. I'm Christopher's sister. I'm afraid I do all the marrying in this family. Two marriages, two children.
:'''Antonio D'Argento''': My uncle's much too busy to raise a family of his own, so he settles for us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vanessa D'Argento''':So, is it true that writers come up with their ideas by watching the world around them?
:'''Jessica''': Well, some do.
:'''Vanessa''': Well, keep your eyes open. There's a great book in this family, Mrs. Fletcher, like something out of [[w:Eugene_O'Neill|Eugene O'Neill]]. You could call it [[w:Long_Day's_Journey_into_Night|Long Day's Journey into Oblivion]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Christopher Bundy''': This should interest you- the complete works of Conan Doyle. All first editions, priceless.
:'''Jessica''': You must read a great deal.
:'''Christopher''': No. Who has time? I collect.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Christopher''': You are incensed at the idea of one of your stories appearing in a magazine sprinkled with photos of unclothed young ladies. Am I close? 
:'''Jessica''': Dead on target.
:'''Christopher''': ''[Laughing]'' Mrs. Fletcher, over the past 10 years, my various magazines have featured most of America's prize-winning authors. Bundy Publications represent exposure.
:'''Jessica''': They certainly do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Christopher''': You're not afraid, are you? That you might get to know me, that I might destroy all those stereotypical notions buzzing around in that pretty head of yours.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chester Harrison''': What would [[w:Ernest_Hemingway|Hemingway]] do? He'd offer no compromise. That's what.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': I told him not to quit. You know, to fight for his company no matter what. That's the part that frightens me: The &quot;no matter what&quot; part.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bert Yardley''': Me and Harrison had a little talk the other night. I suggested he wise up and cooperate before he lost everything. It was a very constructive meeting.
:'''Jessica''': You mean threatening.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chester''': ''[Sighs]'' Lord, I feel like a character right out of Dostoyevsky.
:'''Jessica''': It's a little early to be wallowing around in Russian angst.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Well, Mr. Jensen, I see that photography is one of your many talents.
:'''Mr. Jensen''': Uh, Mrs. Fletcher, this is not exactly what it seems.
:'''Jessica''': Then you won't mind telling Lieutenant Greco exactly what it is.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': I'm sorry your good luck carried such an expensive price tag.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': And another thing, Grady. I've been, uh, meaning to talk to you about your, uh, choice of employers.

=== ''Menace, Anyone?'' [2.20] ===
:'''Jessica''': As I have been asked to restrict my speech to four words: &quot;Let the games begin!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carol McDermott''': I still can't believe I fell on my fanny in front of all those people.
:'''Jessica''': ''[Laughs]'' That's why they call it an exhibition. But, you know, I still see flashes of that old form that won you the state championship for Cabot Cove High.
:'''Carol''': Lord! That was 10 years ago.
:'''Jessica''': Oh, don't remind me.
:'''Carol'''':I thought I was gonna be the next [[w:Chris_Evert|Chris Evert]]. I soon realized Chris had nothing to worry about.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carol''': Oh, no! This is earth-shattering! Jessica, please forgive me. ''[Leaves]''
:'''Jessica''': Yes... Earth-shattering.
:'''Brian East''': Yeah. She says things like that. But I love her anyway.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cissy Barnes''': Listen, Doris darling, we all know what an expert you are on male tennis players. You've helped so many of them score.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''':I can remember when tennis was a gentleman's game.
:'''Carol''': You've got a terrific memory.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Well, I'm not sure what you said, but if it was a book, I'd copyright it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mitch Mercer''': What are you trying to do, make a monkey out of my client in front of his fans? 
:'''Carol''': Only God can make a monkey, Mitch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carol''': That is Mitch Mercer, Donny's personal manager. I would have introduced you, but he didn't deserve the honor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': She's a very charming young woman.
:'''Elliot Robinson''': Not always, but she's all I have left. You get to be more tolerant when the loneliness of old age starts fogging you in.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cissy''': What do you think? 
:'''Elliot''': Well, it's highly original.
:'''Cissy''': ''[To Jessica]'' That means he hates it. It's a sure sign I'm on the right track.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carol''': Look, I'm sorry about our run-in this afternoon.
:'''Cissy''': What? Backing up? I had no idea your gear box included reverse.
:'''Carol''': Anyway, I do apologize. Let's be friends.
:'''Cissy''': Let's not. I'd rather cozy up to a virus infection.

=== ''The Perfect Foil'' [2.21] ===
:'''Jessica''': Lieutenant, I certainly don't want to intrude on your investigation, but...Well, with everybody moving around the room, they might be erased.
:'''Lt. Edmund Cavette''': What? 
:'''Jessica''': The furnidents.
:'''Lt. Cavette''': I beg your pardon? 
:'''Jessica''': The furnidents. You know, the dents that the furniture makes on the carpet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lt. Cavette''': A picture just flashed through my mind. Two years ago, on a Sunday morning talk show, a charming guest was deftly carving up a pompous book critic. J.B. Fletcher, I presume? 
:'''Jessica''': ''[Laughs]'' Guilty.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Congressman Brad Gardner''': I don't think you should go pokin' around that club.
:'''Rosalind Gardner''': I was about to offer the same advice to you, darlin'.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Cal gets off the phone with his aunt telling her he was in the Amazon]'' 
:'''Jessica''': Cal, have you ever considered a career in fiction? 
:'''Calhoun Fetcher''': Well, she doesn't get a whole lot of excitement in her life.
:'''Jessica''': You don't have to create any artificial excitement for my benefit. You've already provided enough.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lt. Cavette''': Jessica, you're a warm, attractive woman, but you are also stubborn, pigheaded and mulish.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lt. Cavette''': Are you quite ready, Mrs. Fletcher?
:'''Jesssica''': Actually, Lieutenant Cavette, it's- it's only a theory. But I'm ready if you are.
:'''Lt. Cavette''': I wouldn't deprive you of the pleasure of making a fool of yourself for only me.

=== ''If the Frame Fits'' [2.22] ===
:'''Lloyd Marcus''': Someday, Jessica, you and I will have a long talk about the joys of parenthood. In terms of gratification, it ranks right up there with molar extraction.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Police Chief Cooper''': Still safer than New York. They kill you for cab fare.
:'''Jessica''': Oh, you worked for the New York Police Department, Chief Cooper? 
:'''Chief Cooper''': Seventeen years, till the pressure on my arches got to me.
:'''Jessica''': Must be much quieter here.
:'''Chief Cooper''':Uh, not enough for the wife. She hates late night calls, wants me to go into plumbing with her brother.
:'''Jessica''': Plumbers get late night calls too.
:'''Chief Cooper''': At 24 bucks an hour, so the wife keeps remindin' me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Mayor? Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were in insurance, Mr. Tilley.
:'''Frank Tilley''': Yeah, well, maybe not for long, the way things are going. Home office is holding the bag, and when they're holding the bag, I'm holding the bag.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julia Granger''': Isn't Donald here yet? 
:'''Mildred Tilley''': Lose him again, dear? I always know where my husband is.
:'''Julia''': Of course you do, Mildred. If you ever let dear Frank out of your sight, no telling what he'd be up to.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julia''': You must think I'm awful, but ever since those two people came here two years ago from New York, Cedar Heights has not been the same.
:'''Jessica''': Well, sometimes it takes people a while to adapt.
:'''Julia''': The dinosaurs never learned.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lloyd''': So how was the game? 
:'''Binky Holborn''': Lloyd, my dear friend, I amazed this young thing with my flawless form and my superb follow-through. Unfortunately, for 18 holes the club-head and the balls never did get properly introduced to one another.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Binky''': ''[After having his invitations for dinner refused by a few guests]'' It's just gonna be the three of us then. The servants are going to be crushed. They so rarely get the exercise.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mildred''': My, what a lovely outfit.
:'''Ellen''': Oh, well, thank you.
:'''Mildred''': I suppose if you're going fishing, it pays to have attractive-looking bait.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mildred''': You're hot on the trail ofJulia Granger's killer! But I thought they had arrested Donald? 
:'''Jessica''': They have. But, um - 
:'''Mildred''': But you don't believe it. Oh, fascinating! I agree. Jessica, I have three words for you: [[w:Cherchez_la_femme|Cherchez la femme]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ellen''': Donald and I, we happened to run into one another. I wouldn't try to read any more into that if I were you, Mrs. Fletcher.Or it might prove embarrassing.
:'''Jessica''': Embarrassing to whom? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Golf is certainly good exercise.
:'''Binky''': Oh, my dear lady, this is not exercise. This is a test of one's capacity for total humiliation.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frank''': You're the chief of police, Cooper, not a plumber.
:'''Chief Cooper''': Not yet. The way the wife's been bustin' chops, you may have my badge back by suppertime.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ellen''': If you have something to say, Mrs. Fletcher, why don't you just say it? 
:'''Jessica''': I'd rather hear it from you.
:'''Ellen''': You mean, were Donald and I having an affair? This is the '80s, Mrs. Fletcher. Promiscuity is not exactly page one news.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Binky''': My aged mama and papa spent far too much of it before they passed on. And it's not as if they educated me to make a living, just to enjoy the finer things, I'm afraid.

== Season 3 ==
=== ''Death Stalks the Big Top'' [3.1 &amp; 3.2] ===
:'''Constance Fletcher''': ''[About Carol's wedding dress]'' I'll reserve my judgment until the final fitting on Thursday.
:'''Alex Cord''': But, Mrs. Fletcher, this is the final fitting.
:'''Constance''':Thursday, 10 o' clock.
:'''Carol Bannister''': Grandmother? 
:'''Constance''': Carol, this gentleman was your choice. Now let me salvage what I can.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': My goodness, you look wonderful!
:'''Howard Bannister''': ''[Laughs]'' I look dreadful but, uh, thanks for the insincerity.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maylene Sutter''':  Nobody can fault your taste, tomcat. I can't say the same for the way you sniff around back alleys.
:'''Hank Sutter''': Get off my back, Maylene.
:'''Maylene''': Let me know if you're coming home tonight. I'd hate to shoot you coming through the door.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daniella Morgana Carmody''': Listen to me, Sutter! You caught me when I was hurting. Okay, I'm not proud of myself, but it's over.
:'''Hank''': Mrs. Carmody, there's over and then there's over.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Powers''': Should've known better than to let myself be talked into permittin' these lowlife grifters near my town.
:'''Sheriff Lynn Childs''': Well, now, folks have been gettin' a lot of pleasure out of the circus.
:'''Mayor Powers''': The Good Book's got its say on the subject of pleasure.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Powers''': If you've got no connection with these fly-by-nights, just what were you doin' here? 
:'''Jessica''': I thought someone I once knew was with the circus.
:'''Mayor Powers''': And? 
:'''Jessica''': Well, everyone I talked to assured me that he wasn't.
:'''Mayor Powers''': And just maybe he was the dead foreman. Why were you lookin'for him? 
:'''Jessica''': Well, I wasn't looking for him.
:'''Mayor Powers''': And how do I know that? 
:'''Jessica''': Because I just told you.
:'''Mayor Powers''': And there'll be a lot more you'll be tellin' me before this investigation's over.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Powers''': You stay out of police business!
:'''Jessica''': You could benefit from the same advice, Mr.Mayor.
:'''Mayor Powers''': Lady, you're on thin ice!
:'''Jessica''': If you think I'm gonna stand by while you railroad a perfectly innocent man for a crime that he did not commit, you are very sadly mistaken!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Katie McCallum''': My husband was killed in a high-wire fall last year, and Charlie's just trying to be the man of the family.
:'''Jessica''': Oh, my. That is such a big job at his age.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Preston Bartholomew''': ''[About Hank Sutter]'' A green kid with cotton for brains and a disposition like cactus juice. The years didn't improve either one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Childs''': You heard Mayor Powers. The case is closed. He'd have my head if I kept snoopin' around.
:'''Jessica''': Fortunately, Sheriff, I am under no such threat of decapitation.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': I'm sorry, but you have about as much right to conduct a police investigation as Jack the Ripper.
:'''Mayor Powers''': Sheriff, you lock up this Yankee busybody right now.
:'''Sheriff Childs''': Mayor, I can't just- 
:'''Jessica''': On what charge? 
:'''Mayor Powers''': Obstruction of justice! Impeding a police investigation! Flagrant disrespect of the office of mayor!
:'''Jessica''': It's not the office that's earning my contempt.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Edgar Carmody''': Are you gonna tell me what's wrong? 
:'''Raymond Carmody''': Being sold off like a piece of equipment is what's wrong!

=== ''Unfinished Business'' [3.3] ===
:'''Barney Kale''': ''[About reopening an old murder case]'' I'm calling to tell you, Miss Tate, that I'm headed for Juniper Lake. I thought you might be interested.
:'''Cynthia Tate''': No, not really. If you catch any wild geese, let me know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cynthia''':  I finally got it all, Seth.
:'''Dr. Hazlitt''': Yeah?
:'''Cynthia''': Everything I ever wanted. My own business, money, security, a big new house. You know what it all is? Garbage.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Murderer''': Dixon was a very religious man, always talking about getting to heaven. And I just simply helped him on his way.

=== ''One White Rose for Death'' [3.4] ===
:'''Michael Hagarty''': Who do you think it is, woman? 
:'''Jessica''': Michael! Or is it Dennis? 
:'''Michael''': Dennis this week. And I'll thank you to remember it. I'm not yet ready to be interred in the family plot.
:'''Jessica''': Then it's a good thing that you opened your mouth in that restaurant before I put my foot in it.
:'''Michael''': Yes, I could see you were about to make a terrible fool out of one of us. Oh, Jessica, you're as lovely as ever.
:'''Jessica''': And you're as devious as ever.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Michael''': Tomorrow evening then, we'll rekindle the embers over dinner at a lovely restaurant I found in Alexandria. After which, I trust, we will both be on our worst behavior.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andrew Wyckham''': The girl was wonderful. Simply marvelous.
:'''Jessica''': Oh, Andrew, there's nothing simple about what she does with a violin.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Michael''': That's why Jack Kendall and I liberated Franz and his sister just before the interval at the concert hall.
:'''Jessica''': Liberated? At gunpoint? With shots fired? 
:'''Michael''': ''[Chuckles]'' Lucky for us that the [[w:1812_Overture|&quot;1812 Overture&quot;]] was playing. Nobody heard them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Michael''': In our trade, Jessica, you don't wear a badge that says &quot;Spy&quot;. Anonymity is what saves your skin, being able to pass yourself off as a tradesman or... whatever.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Franz Mueller''': Greta, listen to me. They will give us both political asylum, I am sure- 
:'''Greta Mueller''': No!
:'''Franz''': ...and soon we will be able to arrange for Mama and Papa.
:'''Greta''': Nein! Don't you understand? I don't want asylum! I am not political! I am a musician! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Michael, you are going to help her, aren't you? 
:'''Michael''': A sweet young thing like that, Jessica? We're already working on it.

=== ''Corned Beef and Carnage'' [3.5] ===
:'''Jessica''': &quot;Francoise&quot;. I read about that place in The New Yorker. Apparently half the advertising deals on Madison Avenue are cooked up at the tables over lunch.
:'''Howard Griffin''': Yeah, three martinis, a salad, and your name in Advertising Age for dessert.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aubrey Thornton''': ''[About Victoria's career in advertising]'' She's got everything to go the distance in this racket: Brains, youth, good looks and a very high threshold for humiliation. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Christine Clifford''': 50 million dollars a year in advertising billing. Leland, that isn't chopped liver.
:'''Leland Biddle''':Another 50 million, even chopped corn beef would look very good on the balance sheet, Christine, especially when I take Biddle Advertising public next year.
:'''Christine''': The account can be had.
:'''Leland''': There's a $100,000 bonus in it for you if you can bring that account into the office.
:'''Christine''': Did I hear you say vice-president? 
:'''Leland''': If you deliver.
:'''Christine''': To the corner office.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Victoria Griffin''': Mr. Kinkaid, you may own this agency, but you don't own me. You're the one who accepts all the fancy awards, but it's people like me and Aubrey and Phil Conklin, God rest his soul, who have always ground it out for you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aubrey''': At least you don't have to worry about Larry stabbing you in the back. He always gives it to you right in the chest.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': You know, Miss Clifford, I find the advertising business just fascinating. It's so competitive, and yet, it's so chummy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lt. Spoletti''': Why is it I always figure gorgeous blondes are lying to me? 
:'''Jessica''': Adolescent trauma, Lieutenant.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Howard''': I can always get my old job back at the insurance company.
:'''Victoria''': What about your (acting) career? 
:'''Howard''': All I ever really wanted was you.

:'''Jessica''': Mr. Ingram, what did the deliveryman look like? 
:'''Jim Ingram''': Like a deliveryman. I mean, all these meatballs. They all look alike, you know? :'''Jessica''': Well, please try and remember. It could be very important.
:'''Jim''': Ah... he was wearing a gray coat, carrying a Styrofoam cooler...
:'''Lt. Spoletti''': Oh, that sure narrows it down!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Murderer''': You think you've got it all planned, every little detail, and then you get suckered by one little mistake.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Murderer''': And, you know, killing him with the award? That wasn't improvisation. That was part of the plan. Nice touch, don't you think?

=== ''Dead Man's Gold'' [3.6] ===
:'''Dr. Wylie Graham''': And, please, call me Wylie. For the past 30 years, it's either been Doc or Commander, or a whole lot worse.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Hazlitt''': Amos, that piece of paper you're puttin' under my windshield wiper better be an invitation to a clambake.
:'''Sheriff Tupper''': No, it's a parking ticket.
:'''Dr. Hazlitt''': And that is an M.D. license plate.
:'''Sheriff Tupper''': And that is a fire hydrant. The law is the law.
:'''Dr. Hazlitt''': Wait until your sciatica starts acting up again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ross Barber''': Oh, Gregory, when will I ever learn? Never put your trust in a sure thing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Larry Gaynes''': I've seen your typewriter. It's prehistoric.
:'''Jessica''': We work at the same speed.
:'''Larry''': I can get you a state-of-the-art computer, complete with word processing at the factory price. And with a new piece of software called Novelrite. 
:'''Jessica''': Novelrite?
:'''Larry''': Yeah. Five hundred and five best-selling plots, from Shakespeare to Sidney Sheldon. Takes the work out of being creative.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': I've got a perfectly good guest room that hasn't been slept in for months.
:'''David Everett''': Oh, no, I would not think of imposing.
:'''Jessica''': Don't be silly!
:'''David''': The neighbors are liable to start talking.
:'''Jessica''': Do you really think so? Good. They think I lead a very dull life, chained to my typewriter.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Tupper''': You see something? 
:'''Jessica''': It's what I don't see.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''David''': I remember that expression. Jessie MacGill in her reverie.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Hazlitt''': Jessica, don't confuse Amos by bringing logic to bear.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Hazlitt''':  Jess, I want you to get a real perspective on this thing. Now we are talking about a man who has spent his entire adult life traipsing all over the globe looking for the pot of gold. He was obsessed with it!
:'''Jessica''': Seth, you don't know the first thing about him.
:'''Dr. Hazlitt''': You are thinking with your funny bone and not with your head. This old friend of yours could turn out to be a cold-blooded killer.
:'''Jessica''':Seth, I have known David Everett for the past 35 years.
:'''Dr. Hazlitt''': Correction: You ''knew'' him 35 years ago.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''David''': You know, Jessica, I've often lain awake, thinking about, uh,  the road not taken and the word not spoken. Things might have been different for us. But then, they didn't turn out that way, did they? But believe me, with Frank, you got by far the best of it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''David''': Jessie MacGill, good-bye.

=== ''Deadline for Murder'' [3.7] ===
:'''Billy Simms''': I don't care that she's a dipso with 33 cats and hasn't bathed in four months. What I wanna read about is she's a sweet old widowed grandmother whose greedy landlord kicked her out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lamar Bennett''': This is a morning paper, Mr. Drake. And I feel a certain responsibility to avoid sending our readers back to sleep.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stan Lassiter''': His game plan isn't pretty, but the guy knows how to put points on the scoreboard.
:'''Jessica''': Yes, and like so many others you continue to play for him, right? 
:'''Stan''': Sports writing's all I know, Mrs. Fletcher. Besides, integrity doesn't buy a whole lotta pastrami.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Walter Revere''': We're supposed to be showing our bright happy faces here. Sober, I'm not sure I can manage.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kay''': He and Bennett go back a long way.
:'''Stan''': Oh, yeah, way back! Clear back to when Billy was just a hatchet boy.
:'''Kay''': It's just unbelievable.
:'''Stan''': Yeah, kinda makes you wonder where you turn next for your aggravation quota.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lt. Caruso''': The medical examiner thinks Lamar Bennett may have been murdered.
:'''Jessica''': Really? The newspaper says nothing- 
:'''Lt. Caruso''': That makes two of you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Haskell Drake''': Excuse me, but I mean a man with his rotten disposition, God would get him.
:'''Jessica''': Well, God may have gotten a little help.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Haskell''': You remember that summer you worked for the wire service, and you did some research for me? That empty oil tank storage swindle? 
:'''Jessica''': You had me running all over New England.
:'''Haskell''': Yeah, and your head was all cluttered with hearts and flowers and Frank Fletcher, huh? You wanted to be a teacher? Ah, what the hell! Forget it, forget it! You weren't much help then anyway.
:'''Jessica''': Are you kidding? I was terrific! You said so yourself! I would've made a first-rate reporter.
:'''Haskell''': Uh, yeah, maybe.
:'''Jessica''': Maybe? On my worst day, I was the best legman you ever had!
:'''Haskell''': ''[Mock laughter]'' That's the way you remember it!
:'''Jessica''': Haskell Drake, you- you are impossible! You're ornery and deceitful and devious!
:'''Haskell''': Not to mention manipulative.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Well, for starters, how would you rate Lamar Bennett as a newspaperman? 
:'''Kay''': A very narrow sense of story. A flair for the dramatic but no real feel for human interest.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Clyde Thorson''': Mrs. Fletcher, I don't wanna talk to you because I heard what you and Mr. Drake are tryin' to do to Mr. Bennett, makin' him a bad person.
:'''Jessica''': Mr. Thorson, if that were true, I'd only question people who disliked him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Haskell''': Whoa, whoa, hold it, hold it! Where's your lead paragraph? 
:'''Jessica''': Well, I'm coming to that.
:'''Haskell''': Before you do, they'll be reading the vitamin content off their cereal boxes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Haskell''': ''[Chuckling after talking to a society editor]'' A couple of more minutes and I'd have enough to blackmail half the people in Tulsa.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lt. Caruso''': ''[About being a woman in the police force]'' Some ex-jock can hang a dead fish on the wall or maybe what's left of a moose who didn't move fast enough. That's okay. But when I bring in a few geraniums, you can hear the snickers all the way to Brockton.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lt. Caruso''': You type a nice report, Officer. Anybody ever read this stuff? 
:'''Policewoman''': Not that I know of, ma'am. I think it goes straight to the files.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nurse Phillips''': Mr. Drake, french fries are not a part of your diet.
:'''Haskell''': Don't you dare! No, but you'd rather poison me with chipped beef and tapioca pudding, right?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': I understand how you feel, how much you loved the good things about him, but admitting the truth doesn't mean you can't keep those memories.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Haskell''': I have been offered a big overseas assignment in Hong Kong, Singapore and Bangkok. By Newsmonth, no less.
:'''Jessica''': Haskell, that's marvelous! When? :'''Haskell''': Oh! Well, um, as soon as you hand me my trousers.

=== ''Magnum on Ice'' [3.8] ===
:'''Capt. Frank Browning''': Don't hold your breath waiting for the bail hearing. Sometimes the paperwork gets misplaced. Sometimes we even lose prisoners.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jason Bryan''': I don't know what you want, Mrs. Fletcher, but I can't help you.
:'''Jessica''': Oh, you already have, Mr. Bryan.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Captain, I wouldn't dream of asking you to bend your personal policy for me but a friend of mine in Washington asked me to call the governor while I was here, just a friendly chat. And I intend to compliment the governor on the personal attention that you give to police department policy. The name is Browning, isn't it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Well, I'll have to have a chat with him.
:'''[[w:Magnum,_P.I|Thomas Magnum]]''':I'm not so sure that's a good idea. We don't know anything about this guy. He could be dangerous. You could get hurt.
:'''Jessica''': As a professional, if you were out, what would you do?
:'''Magnum''': I'd talk to Arthur Houston and get some answers.
:'''Jessica''': Well, Mr. Magnum, since you can't, I will.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pamela Bates''': I only wanted to return her cookbook. The one she bought and wrapped so prettily for her Aunt Grace? She wanted me to keep it for her, but l-
:'''Jessica''': Oh, what pretty paper. It's very light for a book. Maybe it was for dieters.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amy Salyer''': I'll thank you to return my property, please.
:'''Pamela''': Amy, dear. I think you owe us some kind of an explanation.
:'''Amy''': On the contrary, I think you owe me one. When I give you a package to keep for me, I don't expect you to open it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Victor Salyer''': Look, I know that I'm not the easiest person to live with, but you see, I love her very much. I just want her to know that I'll forgive her anything if only she'll come back to me.
:'''Joan Fulton''': Love, honor and forgive? They ought to change the vows!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': I'm not sure that the diamonds have got anything to do with it. Amy told me that the diamonds were left to her by her grandmother.
:'''Magnum''': And you believed her? 
:'''Jonathan Higgins''': Magnum.
:'''Magnum''': Well, uh... Come to think of it, I-I can see how you might, uh... It's kind of like the plots of one of your novels, right? Uh, which one? Was it, uh- No, it's not that one. Yeah, I remember.
:'''Higgins''': Magnum, it's the only one I sent you. Do you mean you actually read it? 
:'''Magnum''': Of course, I read it. At least most of it.
:'''Jessica''': You didn't finish it? 
:'''Magnum''': Oh, no, I'm going to finish it. But, uh, I already kind of figured out that your killer's the psychiatrist.
:'''Jessica''': Actually, it was the lawyer.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joan''': You're going to tell me I have to stop flirting with every man on the island. Jessica, when it comes to grieving, I already gave.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[When Magnum got into Jessica's hotel room by picking the lock]'' 
:'''Jessica''': You could've knocked!
:'''Magnum''': Well, I did. I guess you didn't hear me with the water running.
:'''Jessica''': Oh, I see. So you just let yourself in? How do you propose to conduct your little conference? With me in the tub? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Magnum''': I, uh, finished your book, Jessica. Now I would've thought [[w:Dashiell_Hammett|Dashiell Hammett]] was more my style, but I really like the way your mind works.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Victor''': ''[Holding a crowbar]'' This was very effective in opening the door. I'll bet it's just as good at opening a head.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joan''': Men always underestimate me. The secret of my success.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joan''': If I hadn't gotten Houston, he would have sent someone else. Call it self-preservation. It's one of those economic principles they don't teach you at business school.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Magnum''': So, Jessica, what do you say we make a deal? If you don't take out a private investigator's license, I won't buy a typewriter.

=== ''Obituary for a Dead Anchor'' [3.9] ===
:'''Kevin Keats''': You could have suggested they give the job to a newsman.
:'''Nick Brody''': Hear hear!
:'''Paula Roman''': &quot;Newsperson,&quot; please.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin''': I'm prepping part two of the Ron Ross expos.
:'''Doug Helman''': Uh, well... There's not going to be a part two. The legal department killed it.
:'''Kevin''': That stinks, Doug.
:'''Nick Brody''': The sweet smell of sup-press.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin''': Don't you worry about your Cabot Cove gig. I have no intention of drowning in the backwaters of Maine.
:'''Doug''': Check your contracts. You have a choice. Either take the assignment or go off salary.
:'''Kevin''': On the other hand, I've always loved the smell of sea air. I hope the tide's in.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': I just got a few things.
:'''Dr. Graham''': Uh-huh. Including a new outfit to wear on television? It's one of the symptoms.
:'''Jessica''': Oh, is it going around? 
:'''Dr. Graham''': Lots of foolishness. Everything shined up, everybody's wearin' their Easter duds. I even saw Nils Anderson slappin' on a fresh coat of paint.
:'''Jessica''': Well, I don't see anything foolish about that.
:'''Dr. Graham''': How nice does a live bait stand have to look? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin''': Is this the way you always look? 
:'''Jessica''': Why? Is there anything wrong with the way I look? 
:'''Kevin''': No, it's just that my image of you is more homespun.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin''': Is it always this quiet? 
:'''Jessica''': On a good day, you can hear the wind, the ocean and the seagulls.
:'''Kevin''': ''[Seeing Sheriff Tupper]'' And which is that?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Judith Keats''': I know what you're up to.
:'''Kevin''': It's not your business anymore, Judith. Don't intrude in my life.
:'''Judith''': You really should learn the difference between an intrusion and a warning.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin''': Scrutiny's a hit for one reason, and you're lookin' at him. They toss out producers like so many empty beer cans, but I keep rolling along.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Like the rest of America, I've been a fan of Nick Brody and the news.
:'''Nick''': You're very kind. I guess I am kind of a an institution. Something like the [[w:Staten_Island_Ferry|Staten Island Ferry]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Patti''': Oh, Nick, you're beginning to sound like a producer.
:'''Nick''': It's worse than that. I'm beginning to think like one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Commentator''': Perhaps the greatest tragedy is where Kevin Keats met his end. Urbane, hard-nosed, a legend in his own time, a man who faced death a hundred times in hot spots all around the world, Keats was blown to bits in a jerkwater village where even the crickets die ofboredom, where the part-time mayor conducts town business from a 5x5 room in the back ofhis office, and the sheriff is responsible for supplying the boat that caused his death.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Richard Abbott''': In Televisionland, when the canoe springs a leak, one doesn't bail water. One just looks for a new canoe.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Graham''': I guess I'm not in the same class as Seth.
:'''Jessica''': Or the class he thinks he's in.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nick''': I'm a newsman. I'm not a performer. I tried to tell Doug that. But whatever he started out believing, in the end, he bought the idea that the wrapping paper - ''the wrapping paper'' - was more important than the package.

=== ''Stage Struck'' [3.10] ===
:'''1st Reporter''': Ms. Tarrow, was your stay in the Arizona Health Clinic a success?
:'''Maggie Tarrow''': Well, the weather was dry and so am I.
:'''2nd Reporter''': Does this mean The Battling Lords are rekindling their romance?
:'''Maggie''': I'm not sure. Bonfires can be dangerous.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''1st Reporter''': So we can add acting to your list of credits, Ms. Fletcher?
:'''Jessica''': Certainly not, no. But I was Applewood's 2nd best set painter. And in case you haven't guessed, there were only two.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maggie''': ''[After catching Larry and Pru together]'' Larry, may I suggest that you save your performance such as it is for the stage? And Pru, darling, remind me! You are the resident stage manager, yes? Not the resident bedspread?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief Merton P. Drock''': What's my motivation in this scene?
:'''Alexander Preston''': You're a butler. Your motivation is to buttle. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[When Julian learns that Barbara may replace Maggie]''
:'''Julian Lord''': You have a personal services contract with Barbara Bennington.
:'''Nicky Saperstein''': That has nothing to do with this!
:'''Julian''': Which no doubt includes other kinds of services as well!
:'''Nicky''': Will you get your mind out of your pants?
:'''Julian''': Stop trying to run this show from yours!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Chief, the first rule: Be thorough. Explore every possibility.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': I've been watching you, and frankly, you're far more interested in the lives of Julian and Maggie.
:'''T.J.Holt''': And I've been watching you nosing around. And frankly, ma'am, forgive me, but you are something of a busybody.
:'''Jessica''': Well, call it professional curiosity.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alexander Preston''': Just what is it you're looking for, Jessica?
:'''Jessica''': Vital statistics.
:'''Alexander Preston''': If you're looking for accuracy in an actor's resume, my dear, you're looking in the wrong place.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julian''': Jessica, whatever you're thinking, you're wrong.
:'''Jessica''': You don't know how much I wish that were true.

=== ''Night of the Headless Horseman'' [3.11] ===
:'''Jessica''': My goodness, look at you. You've lost a lot of weight.
:'''Dorian Beecher''': Cafeteria food. Thousands for bridles and bits but not one penny for a decent steak.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dorian''': Her name is Sarah. Sarah Dupont. Soft, angelic, a prelude by [[w:Franz_Liszt|Liszt]], a painting by [[w:Pierre-Auguste_Renoir|Renoir]].
:'''Jessica''': She sounds lovely.
:'''Dorian''': Her father, on the other hand, Edwin Dupont, is my employer at the academy. A dirge by [[w:Hector_Berlioz|Berlioz]]. A bad dream by [[w:Salvador_Dalí|Dalí]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jessica is put on the spot when she is obliged to act as Dorian Beecher's mother]''
:'''Edwin Dupont''':  Mrs. Beecher, aren't you a bit young to have a son Dorian's age? 
:'''Jessica''': Well, actually, becoming Dorian's mother was one of the biggest surprises of my life.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charlotte Newcastle''': I want you to stay away from Edwin's daughter. Satisfy your needs elsewhere.
:'''Nate Findley''': Is that an order or an offer? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bobbie''': Dorian, she is exactly the way you described her. Elegant as a duchess, soft as a kitten, with eyes that smile with a child's laughter.
:'''Jessica''': Dorian, did you say that about me?
:'''Dorian''': Well, yes, I suppose I did.
:'''Bobbie''': I'm not sure he remembers, Mrs. Beecher. He was totally polluted at the time. Can I get you something? 
:'''Dorian''': Yeah, I'll have a very dry martini. Make that a double.
:'''Jessica''': Dorian, make that a single, dear. I don't want you polluted with me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Edwin Dupont''': Now, Mrs. Fletcher, it is my considered opinion that your friend Dorian Beecher is a cold-blooded killer. But in the unlikely event that you prove otherwise, give him a message for me. He is never again to see my daughter, or there could very likely be another killing in this town.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charlotte''': It is Mrs. Fletcher, isn't it? News travels fast. I just got off the phone with Edwin Dupont. Dorian has good taste in mothers even if they are stand-ins.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dentist Penn &quot;Doc&quot; Walker''': You loosened a cap, but I can recement it for you.
:'''Dorian''': Is it gonna hurt? 
:'''Doc''': With all that vodka you're been drinking?

=== ''The Corpse Flew First Class'' [3.12] ===
:'''Blanton''': We're delighted you're flying with us, Miss Greer. If I may be of any service- 
:'''Sonny Greer''': Be sure the food's hot, and the drinks are cold. We'll get along famously.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Cliff Strayhorn''': ''[Referring to his career as a plastic surgeon]'' Sonny, I'd starve if the world were filled with such ageless beauties as you.
:'''Sonny''': Chin up, in 20 years when it all starts to fall.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sonny''': ''[When Jessica inadvertently was pushed by a member of the paparazzi]'' I'm so sorry. But with [[w:Madonna_(entertainer)|Madonna]] out of the country, someone has to be shot.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gunnar Globle''': Level with me. Are you anybody? 
:'''Jessica''': I'm a writer.
:'''Gunnar''': A writer? Thank you, God! Even for me, you listen up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Well, I think we're all very grateful that you're on board, Inspector.
:'''Errol Pogson''': Correction. All of us but one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Otto Hardwick''': [[w:Charles_Lindbergh|Charles Lindbergh]] had less hassle soloing across the Atlantic than I've been subjected to.
:'''Errol''': Then next time, why don't you do what he did? Fly alone.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Mr. Globle! Here's your script. You know, I can't tell you how much I enjoyed the sophisticated imagery and the poetic wit. I see it as a cross between cinema verité and- 
:'''Gunnar''': Imagery and cinema verité? 
:'''Jessica''': Yes, I think if you change the title, it might do very well in those quaint little, uh, art theaters.
:'''Customs Man''': Anything to declare, sir? 
:'''Gunnar''': Yes. This is a dud.

=== ''Crossed Up'' [3.13] ===
:'''Jessica''': Thanks, Grady, but that breakfast you fixed for me this morning? I mean it really stuck to my ribs.
:'''Grady Fletcher''': You mean my famous tuna omelet? 
:'''Jessica''': Mm-hmm.
:'''Grady''': Well, wait till you see this. Tuna surprise! 
:'''Jessica''': Oh, darling, you've been surprising me all week.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mona''': And don't let that break in the storm fool you. Hurricane Ida is dancin' her way up the coast, and before you know it, she'll be tangoin' in Cabot Cove.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Hazlitt''': Well, Amos. Got a good recipe for crow, have you? 'Cause that's what we're gonna be eatin' when we tell Jessica about this murder.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Tupper''': Morgan said he located you at the beach house, Adam. Is that where you were last night around 10:00? 
:'''Adam Morgan''': Yes, I invited a young lady up to go sailing. Ah, Miss, um-what is her name?
:'''Sheriff Tupper''': In a hurricane? 
:'''Adam''': Well, Sheriff, since sailing was out of the question, we decided on something else that we both enjoyed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Adam''': ''[About Dody Rogers]'' Frankly, Sheriff, if she treated Gordon with the same affection she shows that pampered little puss, their marriage would look a whole lot less like a rerun of [[w:Who's_Afraid_of_Virginia_Woolf%3F| Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Tupper''': Adam was in the family beach house with a lady from Portland except the lady's no lady. She's got an arrest sheet as long as a chorus girl's legs.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Do you ever get the feeling that you've overlooked something obvious? That you've done something wrong? 
:'''Dr. Hazlitt''': Yeah. Every time I vote for Amos.

=== ''Murder in a Minor Key'' [3.14] ===
:'''Jessica''': Did you ever try to argue with a computer? It is impossible. It's like trying to talk sense to Amos Tupper once he's made up his mind about something.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chad''': What am I supposed to do? Join the public defender's office? Terrific. Send me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses, your guilty.
:'''Mike''': That is cynical!
:'''Jenny''': And sick!
:'''Chad''': But accurate.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Danny Young''': Where's Chad? 
:'''Jenny''': Home studying. He's having trouble with his torts.
:'''Danny''': You know, I hear they can cure that these days.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chad''':  It's like my Uncle Jack always said: &quot;Findin' a fox in the henhouse don't necessarily mean nothin', unless, of course, he's pickin' feathers out of his teeth&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jenny''': Mike didn't kill anyone.
:'''Chad''': And all we have to do is prove it.
:'''Jenny''': Is that the royal we, or am I included in this mess? 
:'''Chad''': It was my bright theory the system always worked, remember? 
:'''Jenny''': So who says you're always so bright?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Christine Stoneham''': Are you married, Mr. Singer? 
:'''Chad''': No, I'm not, but I hope to be as soon as I pass the bar.
:'''Christine''': It's not a step to be taken lightly. These days, people don't seem to care very much about commitment.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chad''': I brought in a pizza.
:'''Jenny''': You eat. I popped a button on my jeans this morning. I'm fasting till Yom Kippur.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Max Hellinger''': You think I killed him? What for? I needed his music.
:'''Chad''': Maybe he was holdin' out on you. Maybe he was hittin' you up for more money.
:'''Max''': Maybe. Maybe you need something stronger to drink than that beer you're nursing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chad''': Everyone but the pope is at the college that night, and Michael's the one they find standin' over the body. Forgive me, I'm-I'm O.D.-ing on frustration here.

=== ''The Bottom Line is Murder'' [3.15] ===
:'''Dr. Jayne Honig''': I can sum up the problem in two words: Kenneth Chambers. Steve produces his program.
:'''Jessica''': Chambers? Oh, yes, I remember, you wrote me about him. A compulsive egomaniac suffering from delusions of grandeur?
:'''Jayne''': That was last month. These days he's even worse.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lynette Bryant''': Kenneth, there isn't a South American coup that can match the one I just pulled off. The Hammet Cheese tapes. They're all we need to throw Hammet into the fondue as it were.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': As I remember, you were the life of the party, Mr. Warren.
:'''Robert Warren''': Oh, well, forgive me, Mrs. Fletcher. What wasn't a blur is a complete blank.
:'''Jessica''': That's very convenient.
:'''Robert''': ''[Laughs]'' But when one's best friend steals the love of his life from under his nose, it's either [[w:Laugh,_Clown,_Laugh|&quot;Laugh, Clown, Laugh&quot;]] or slit your wrists and I didn't have the blood to spare.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robert''': Jayne and I had years of pillow talk. Of course, I was the only one with my head on the pillow. She was taking notes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': I'm a very good listener with a very short memory.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': I am a writer. Crime is my beat. Murder my specialty.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lt. Lou Flannigan''': Ma'am, you're just an observer here.
:'''Jessica''': Yes, and what I've observed is a complete lack of common sense!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Ms. Bryant, forgive me, but it all looks very much as if The Bottom Line isn't quite as dead as Kenneth Chambers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': I understand that you threatened him.
:'''Joe Rinaldi''': Threaten? I don't threaten. I negotiate.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Why was he sitting with his back to the door? 
:'''Lt. Flannigan''': ''[Laughing]'' To the untrained eye, it must seem strange, but if you'll notice, there's a TV and a VCR behind the desk on that shelf there. He was watching TV.
:'''Jessica''': Uh, Lieutenant, with due respect for your trained eye, that is impossible. I was in Mr. Chambers's office and, uh, his television was broken.
:'''Lt. Flannigan''': Broken? 
:'''Jessica''': Broken. Which makes me wonder what he was doing sitting in that odd position.
:'''Lt. Flannigan''': Well, obviously... 
:'''Jessica''': Yes? 
:'''Lt. Flannigan''': Obviously, uh, this is gonna take some thought.

=== ''Death Takes a Dive'' [3.16] ===
:'''Harry''': A few months ago, I take a job from this guy, Benny Falcone, to chase down his daughter, who's run off with some saxophone player. He gives me 5,000, and off I go. Only a week later, the daughter and the sax player show up on his doorstep and move in with him. Now, not only is Falcone steamed at his kid, but he's not too thrilled with me. And he wants his five thou back, which I can't give him, because I no longer have it.
:'''Jessica''': But he can't do that!
:'''Harry''': So I explained. Except he suddenly developed a loss of hearing and threatened osteopathic damage to my legs unless I cough up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pam Collins''': You ever heard of freedom of the press, fella? 
:'''Cosmo Ponzini''': Oh, yeah. And I also heard of private property, which this is!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cosmo''': You try to take down the fight business, and a roof might just fall in on your head, you understand? 
:'''Reporter Dave Robinson''': Was that a threat? 
:'''Cosmo''': Well, if it isn't, I must've said it wrong!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wade Talmadge''': You an expert on the manly art of pugilism, darling?
:'''Lois Ames''': No, darling, just the manly art.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wade''': Good evening, McGraw. Mind if I come in? 
:'''Harry''': Hey, listen, if the cockroaches don't care, why should I? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lt. Casey''': Wade Talmadge had more enemies than there are beans in Boston.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': Got a light?
:'''Harry''': Sorry, doll face, I'm fresh out.
:'''Lois''': Funny. You strike me as the type that plays with matches.
:'''Harry''': Not me. I don't like gettin' burned.
:'''Lois''': You only get burned when you're careless. Me, I'm very careful.
:'''Harry''': Honey, whatever it is you're sellin', you better peddle it someplace else. Right now, I'm interested in only one thing: Self-preservation.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harry''': You know, when you're rollin' sevens, you don't ask to see the dice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dave''': That's the first thing they taught me at the Scranton School of Journalism: Murder makes a great headline!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': ''[Chuckles]'' If you're worried about me, Doc, I can go on like this forever.
:'''Doc''': Yeah, if forever comes tomorrow morning.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': You know, when they found the body, he was wearing a pair of slacks and a plain white shirt.
:'''Pam''': No. No, that doesn't sound like Talmadge. Dave and I bird-dogged him for months. He wouldn't be caught dead lookin' like that.
:'''Jessica''': Yeah, but that's just the point. He was caught dead looking like that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dennis McConnell''': Still tryin' to make sense of the ponies, Doc? 
:'''Doc''': Everybody needs a hobby. 
:'''Dennis''': Expensive. 
:'''Doc''': So's women and booze. I tried 'em both. Horses don't talk back, and they don't give you a hangover.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harry''': I made a deal with the TV people.
:'''Jessica''': But the fight has been canceled!
:'''Harry''': I know. But I sold them something even better. The inside story of a tough, resourceful private eye, who single-handedly broke open one of the largest murder cases of the decade.
:'''Jessica''': Single-handedly? 
:'''Harry''': So I exaggerated a little. What's a little white lie between friends?

=== ''Simon Says, Color Me Dead'' [3.17] ===
:'''Eleanor Thane''': Left to his own devices, Simon wouldn't see anyone, which is a situation I intend to correct.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Felix Casslaw''': This absolutely scruffy fellow comes off Fifth Avenue and into my gallery. I thought he'd been sleeping in Central Park.
:'''Eleanor''': ''[Laughs]'' He probably came in to get out of the cold.
:'''Felix''': Well, I'd already buzzed security when he had picked out six of Simon's seascapes and wrote me a check in seven figures.
:'''Carol Selby''': I know! He found somebody's checkbook!
:'''George Selby''': More likely mugged someone.
:'''Felix''': Naturally, I don't waste time on people of that ilk. I'd already refused his check and had him hustled out.
:'''Jessica''': Is it just instinct or is there a little twist to this story? 
:'''Felix''': Your instincts do not fail you, Jessica. The next morning, I just happened to be glancing at the Times, and there was this gentleman's picture. He was giving a rock concert at Madison Square Garden. 
:'''Simon Thane''': So you see, you can't always judge a man by his clothes.
:'''Eleanor''': Seven figures. I feel a deep sense of loss, Felix.
:'''Felix''': Not to mention my commission.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carol''': You know, George and I have three Simon Thane's.
:'''George''': Best investment we ever made. Makes the Dow Jones look sick.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Felix''': A pinch of mystery always adds luster to an artist's aura, not to mention value.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''George''': I was gonna have another brandy.
:'''Carol''': Well, George, you've had enough to open your own monastery.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''':  One of the hardest things about losing a husband is all the little things he leaves behind. Sooner or later, when the pain subsides, you have to put them away.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Tupper''': Has all the earmarks of a crime of passion.
:'''Jessica''': Passion? 
:'''Sheriff Tupper''': I know that Simon Thane is somethin' of an institution around here. But just because there's a little snow on the roof, don't mean that there's no fire in the hearth, if you get my drift.
:'''Jessica''':I get your drift, Amos. I just think your anchor is slipping.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': You've got (Simon's) signature down very well.
:'''Felix''': Well, you see, Jessica, uh, since these are unquestionably Thane paintings, the signature is merely a technicality.
:'''Jessica''': And a signed Simon Thane is ''technically'' more valuable than an unsigned one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Felix''': There's no doubt in your mind, is there? That Irene Rutledge killed Simon? 
:'''Jessica''': Until everything is brought out into the open, there's always some doubt.

=== ''No Laughing Murder'' [3.18] ===
:''[About attending his son's wedding to his old enemy's daughter]''
:'''Mack Howard''': Honey, I'm not gonna be able to go to that thing tonight. Sorry but I got a very important writers' meeting after the taping.
:'''Trudy Howard''': The car's downstairs, darling. I found your favorite old tweed jacket. It's going to be perfect for you up in the mountains.
:'''Mack''': Honey, I don't think you quite understand. This is a very important week. The ratings are coming out and- I know that you can explain to Kip and Corrie. They'll understand.
:'''Trudy''': Oh, of course I will, darling. And by the way, I do happen to have a locksmith standing by. Because if you don't come, don't bother coming back to the apartment.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Norma Lewis''': ''[About Murray]'' Phil, don't you know aggravation is his life? 
:'''Murray Gruen''': ''[About Norma]'' That's right. That's why I keep her around.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Norma''': The way I figure it, either you pay the painter or the plumber or the electrician. What it totals out to is if you want this place to look good, use the toilet or see what you're doing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': I'm afraid it's a somewhat less festive group than we'd hoped for.
:'''Phil Rinker''': There's always the chance that it'll look better through a brandy glass. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief Ledbetter''': Acting Chief Wylie B. Ledbetter, ma'am.
:'''Jessica''': And what do your friends call you?
:'''Chief Ledbetter''': Acting Chief Wylie B. Ledbetter, ma'am.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': ''[Reading a lab report]'' &quot;Exhibit B: the knife Murray was stabbed with. Traces of dried white household enamel embedded in wooden handle grip.&quot;
:'''Chief Ledbetter''': I figured somebody used it to scrape paint.
:'''Jessica''': With a handle?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Trudy''': I just hope that Corrie and Kip and I will never let their fathers get within 50 miles of each other ever again.
:'''Jessica''': If only because of their diets. They're both eating as if it's going out of style.
:'''Norma''': Don't knock it, Jessica. With their mouths full, they can't talk to each other.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Trudy''': So, what we're left with is that one of us is a killer. ''[Sigh]'' And lucky us. We all get to spend another night together.

=== ''No Accounting for Murder'' [3.19] ===
:'''Ralph Whitman''': We're very pleased with your progress, both Mr. Carlisle and myself. We feel you've, uh... you've earned this added responsibility.
:'''Grady''': Thank you, sir.
:'''Ralph''': Forget the sir. It's Ralph.
:'''Grady''': Ralph, right. Thank you, Sir Ralph. I mean, just Ralph...sir. Thank you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Ellis''': I hear your aunt is coming for a visit. That's nice. You show her a good time. You know, aunts are very neglected these days.
:'''Grady''': Not this one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Ellis''': Are you sure? Tax troubles I don't need.
:'''Grady''': Believe me, government agents won't be banging down your door with a warrant.
:'''Mrs. Ellis''': Ha-ha, that's what [[w:Richard_Nixon|Nixon]] thought.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paul Carlisle''': Oh, Mrs. Fletcher, how delightful to meet you at last!
:'''Jessica''': Why, thank you.
:'''Paul''': I can see where Grady gets his sharp mind from. I've been a fan of your books for 20 years.
:'''Jessica''': Oh...? Yes... Well, thank you very much.
:'''Paul''': I always say there's nothing like a good, old-fashioned love story to help you forget your cares.
:'''Grady''':Well, actually, sir, she, uh- 
:'''Jessica''': Oh, I quite agree with you, Mr. Carlisle. I mean, where would we be without [[w:Barbara_Cartland|Barbara Cartland]]?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lester Grinshaw''': I've been trying to interface with you now for several days.
:'''Ralph''': Look, it's nearly 6:30. Can't this wait? 
:'''Lester''': The Internal Revenue Service does not wait, Whitman. We act quickly and decisively... with compassion and understanding, of course.
:'''Ralph''': Of course. You know the way, Mr. Grimshaw. 
:'''Lester''': Excuse me. 
:'''Ralph''': ''[To Jessica and Grady, with a sigh]'' Well, have a nice dinner. I have a feeling mine's going to be a bowl of cereal at midnight.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Grady, the only things that go bump in the night in this city are the taxicabs, believe me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': (Grady) told me that he had reported the crime.
:'''Lt. Timothy Hanratty''': That he did.
:'''Jessica''': So obviously he didn't kill Mr. Whitman.
:'''Lt. Hanratty''': Well, it's unlikely.
:'''Jessica''': Unlikely?!!
:'''Lt. Hanratty''': Now, now, Mrs. Fletcher. Let's not be giving ourselves a bellyache until after we've tasted the stew.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lester''': Bottom line, Fletcher. You've got 48 hours to come up with the figures.
:'''Grady''': Figures? What figures? 
:'''Lester''': ''[Laughs]'' Don't play dumb with me, pal. It's been tried by experts, believe me, some of whom are doing three-to-five in Leavenworth.
:'''Grady''': I don't know what you're talking about.
:'''Lester''': Neptune Ventures. Whitman said you're the engine driving that crummy tax dodge.
:'''Grady''': Me?!
:'''Lester''': Save the dumb look. All I want is one thing. Facts, figures, names, dates, places, the whole megillah.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lt. Hanratty''': I took the liberty of pullin' a small file we have on your activities, mum. The young lady murdered by that cosmetic executive, your very own publisher sent away because of your ingenuity. I'm surprised the department hasn't given you a gold badge.
:'''Jessica''': Well, it's, uh, just a quirk of mind, really. The way I see things, you know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connie''': Sorry, Mrs. Ellis. Mr. Fletcher's going to be a little late.
:'''Mrs. Ellis''': So I'll wait. I've had plenty of practice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lt. Hanratty''': Look, son, between you and me and these walls, I also am having a bit of trouble believing you're involved. But the commissioner-
:'''Jessica''': Oh, Timothy, hang the commissioner. Since when is an Irishman intimidated by a bureaucrat? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marty''': Lady, I got no time!
:'''Jessica'''': Make time, Mr. Giles, or would you rather do it?

=== ''The Cemetery Vote'' [3.20] ===
:'''Sheriff Orville Yates''': Folks around here know better than to make threats against the sheriff.
:'''Jessica''':  Where I come from, folks don't have to make threats. The sheriff upholds the law.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Linda Stevens''': Jim said there's a rumor he won his first election by the cemetery vote.
:'''Jessica''': The what? 
:'''Linda''': Oh, you know, copying names off tombstones to cast extra votes on election day. Yates was a heavy favorite with the R.I.P. crowd.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': I feel as though that truck ran over me a few times.
:'''Linda''': And I thought soaking in a hot tub would help take away some of the pain from your bruises. You were in the tub for an hour.
:'''Jessica''': Well, I soaked for ten minutes. But it took me the rest of the time to get in and out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kate Gunnerson''': Orville's not a big gambler like his deputy.
:'''Sheriff Yates''': Yeah, Wayne ain't exactly cautious. 
:'''Kate''': He's willing to take chances to better himself. That's how you play the game.
:'''Sheriff Yates''': What game is that, Kate? :'''Kate''': There's only one game. It has different names.
:'''Sheriff Yates''': You talking about politics?
:'''Kate''': That's one name. Another is Gettin' Rich. In case you hadn't noticed, I play to win.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''David Carroll''': After I got off the phone with you, I wasn't sure I had the time correctly. I mean, nobody meets at city hall at this hour.
:'''Jessica''': Forgive me. I'm a writer. We work at all hours.

=== ''The Days Dwindle Down'' [3.21] ===
:'''Jessica''': Seth, I know this sounds just terrible, but it's just too nice to work here. And they keep sending up these baskets. I've got more spoiling fruit than a zoo.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': You know, Rod, maybe the reason that you couldn't prove that it was suicide was because it wasn't.
:'''Rod Wilson''': I thought you believed Pop.
:'''Jessica'''': I do. But there may be a third possibility that nobody's considered. Mr. Jarvis could have been murdered by somebody else.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Thank you for taking time to see me on such short notice, Ms. Davis.
:'''Dorothy Hearn Davis''': I have a confession to make, actually I prefer Mrs.
:'''Jessica''': So do I.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lt. Sharp''': Look, ma'am, Lieutenant Webb put this one to bed a long time ago.
:'''Jessica''': Excuse me, to bed but not to rest.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dorothy''': You don't know the first thing about my grandfather! How dare you come waltzing in here and make accusations against him like this! Get out! Get out of my office! 
:'''Jessica''': If you'll forgive me, Mrs. Davis, it appears to me that you suspect your grandfather more than anyone.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rod''': Jessica, you agree with me, don't you? Justice has to be served!
:'''Jessica''': ''[Sighs]'' Justice is always imperfect, Rod. Besides, sometimes there's a difference between serving the ideal of justice and doing what's best.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sam Wilson''': I don't know how to thank you.
:'''Jessica''': Just be happy.

=== ''Murder, She Spoke'' [3.22] ===
:''[At a recording session]''
:'''Al Parker''': Gold! Pure gold, guys!
:'''Stoney Carmichael''': Heck, Al, you'd say the [[w:The_Partridge_Family|Partridge Family]] was platinum if it'd get us out of here. Play it back for us.
:'''Al''': Stoney, my man, we gotta get that retake in tonight if we're gonna deliver this album on time.
:'''Stoney''': Al, my man, I got all the time in the world.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Greg Dalton''': By the way, I'm also very sorry, Mrs. Fletcher, about this evening session but it's the only time we seem to be able to get this studio.
:'''Jessica''': Oh, I think that mystery stories should be read in the dark of the night, don't you? 
:'''Greg''': ''[Referencing his own blindness]'' You know, it's interesting. It's always the dark of the night to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sally Ann Carmichael''': Stoney, quit treatin' me like a kid!
:'''Stoney''': Honey, you are a kid.
:'''Sally''': I gotta learn about this business if I'm gonna be a singer.
:'''Stoney''': Okay, first rule is, take care of your band. Go get these boys some sodas.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Randy Witworth''': You want out of this contract, all you have to do is say so.
:'''Stoney''': Oh, sure, and repay all your expenses plus 50% of any future contract I come up with.
:'''Randy''': Nobody held a gun to your head to sign the contract when I found you in that dive in Waco.
:'''Stoney''': Well, somebody got me mighty drunk.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nancy Dalton''': Just a note of insincerity.
:'''Jessica''': A note? Sounded more like a full-blown symphony to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lt. Faraday''':  I think writing is a real good hobby for a woman. You can cook up some supper. You can chat on the phone. Then pop over to the old typewriter now and then for a few minutes.
:'''Jessica''': Yes, when I'm not too busy beating the laundry against the rocks in the river?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Greg''': Sunny Spain and the black hole of Calcutta are the same to me, Lieutenant. I'm blind.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Greg''':Nancy, I am happy. I have a wonderful wife, a good life... until I ended up here.
:'''Nancy''': Why do you have to be so damn happy? So nice to Randy in front of me? Didn't you ever just wanna bash his face in?!
:'''Greg''':  Stop it! Just stop it! How do you know what I feel? You know what it's like to wake up every morning and open these eyes? Of course I hate it! And I hate him! But hating isn't gonna get me anywhere. Isn't that right, Jessica? 
:'''Jessica''': It's certainly very destructive.
:'''Nancy''':  But you have to acknowledge it! You have to deal with it! You can't just push it down, or it's gonna well up inside.
:'''Greg''': You think I killed him, don't you? 
:'''Nancy''': I don't know you anymore, Greg. You don't confide in me. You don't let me do things for you. You have cut me off. Now all I am to you is your chauffeur.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Just like that power failure could have been caused by something else. I mean, we don't know that it was the master switch.
:'''Lt. Faraday''': Ma'am, I'm getting just a little bit nervous about this &quot;we&quot; business.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lt. Faraday''': Please, ma'am, please. You're smarter than this. Don't act like an irrational- 
:'''Jessica''': Please, Lieutenant, please. Preserve what respect I have for you, and don't say &quot;irrational woman&quot;.
:'''Lt. Faraday''': ...irrational outsider. Now, ma'am, I really, really don't wanna see you coming around here anymore unless you're with some man here to arrange bail for Greg Dalton.
:'''Jessica''': Lieutenant Faraday, believe it or not, there are women who can arrange bail. And besides that, you're the one behaving irrationally by failing to pursue all the leads in this case.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Margaret Witworth''': There's nothing clandestine about coming to see your husband at the office, is there? 
:'''Jessica''': Oh, of course not. I just can't help but wonder why you felt it was so important to make me believe that you didn't.

:'''Lt. Faraday''': You really did help us wrap this whole thing up.
:'''Jessica''': Well, thank you, Lieutenant. That's very nice of you.
:'''Lt. Faraday''': And you've taught me something. As long as I live, I will never again... 
:'''Jessica''': Yes, Lieutenant? 
:'''Lt. Faraday''': ...underestimate the power of women's intuition.

== Season 4 ==
=== ''A Fashionable Way to Die'' [4.1] ===
:'''Valerie Bechet''': Maxim, you suck. i hate you and want to end our relationship. she stabs him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eva Taylor''': How was your flight across the (English) Channel? 
:'''Jessica''': You know, I am such a diplomat. I switched from tea to Perrier halfway across.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': If that man extorted money from you, there are laws. But there's no law that says that I can't help you out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[When all involved in the fashion show testify to Eva Taylor's presence]''
:'''Inspector Panassic''': What a remarkable woman to have such loyal employees with such acute powers of observation.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inspector Panassic''': I have boiled the ragout down to the simple meat and potatoes you Americans can understand. A maid identifies Eva's coat. Eva's button is found in the victim's room. And Eva's motive is the second oldest one in the book.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter Appleyard''': Mrs. Fletcher, do you realize what you're suggesting? 
:'''Jessica''': Not suggesting, Peter. Considering.

=== ''When Thieves Fall Out'' [4.2] ===
:'''Andrew Durbin''': It's nice to see things haven't changed much.
:'''Jessica''': Oh, then you've been to Cabot Cove before.
:'''Andrew''': Years ago. Matter of fact, I stayed a bit longer than I'd planned.
:'''Jessica''': Well then, this should be quite a nostalgic vacation for you. Or are you here on business? 
:'''Andrew''': A little of both. But mostly just to soak up a lot of sunshine and good, clean salt air.
:'''Jessica''': ''[Laughs]'' You sound to me like someone with a raging case of cabin fever.
:'''Andrew''': Mrs. Fletcher, you are a master of understatement.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coach Kevin Cauldwell''': I fell head over heels for this woman my first day at the school. But for some unfathomable reason, she wouldn't leave her husband. ''[All laughing]'' Then I met Frank Fletcher, and I gave up the chase. Best friends a man could hope for.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Perry Sillman''': Maybe I'd better go see if Dan's okay.
:'''Tara Sillman''': Let Coach handle it.
:'''Perry'''': Tara, I-
:'''Tara''': Perry, you can't help him. School's out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': I'm sorry, but what you did was totally reprehensible.
:'''Andrew''': Even though your friend was guilty of murder? 
:'''Jessica''': That was a matter for the courts.
:'''Andrew''': Was it? You mean the same courts that sent me away to prison? That robbed me of 20 precious years? That locked me away in an 8-by-10 cell like an animal for a crime I didn't commit? While Bill Hampton and his confederate were free to enjoy a life I never had and never will have! You have a bizarre definition of justice, Mrs. Fletcher.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andrew''':I came to say good-bye and to thank you.
:'''Jessica''': I'd rather you didn't.
:'''Andrew''': But I was telling you the truth, and I did spend 20 years in prison unjustly.
:'''Jessica''': Yes. And I'm sorry. But you knew when you came here what would happen.
:'''Andrew''': I wasn't sure, but I did warn you I was after justice.
:'''Jessica''': I can't help but think that justice could have been served in a better way.
:'''Andrew''': Oh? Well, you give it some thought, Mrs. Fletcher. And when you figure out what could have been, you let me know.

=== ''Witness for the Defense'' [4.3] ===
:'''Jim Harlan''': My wife's lovely ex-roommate suddenly appears out of the blue and then steals away before I've had a chance to pump her about old college romances.
:'''Patricia Harlan''': He'd probably change the names and put 'em in his book.
:'''Jessica''': Well, I'm afraid writers are accused of that, you know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Attorney Oliver Quayle''': What an excellent witness you're going to make. &quot;Mrs. Fletcher, national reputation, no notoriety, Cabot Cove, Maine.&quot; The jury is going to love that rustic... Do you have a hat? An old straw with some violets? 
:'''Jessica'''': I've never owned a hat like that in my life.
:'''Attorney Quayle''': Well, never mind. Barnaby will get you one. And an umbrella! Yes, an umbrella will be a nice touch.
:'''Jessica''': Mr. Quayle, I'm sorry, but I am not going to play a countrified character for you or for anyone else.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Attorney Quayle''': A few simple questions to clarify the excellent presentation so competently elicited by Mrs. Pirage. Or is it Miss? 
:'''Annette Pirage''': Miss.
:'''Attorney Quayle''': Thank you, Miss Pirage. I'm a man who likes to be precise about small things, and I would hate to get off to a bad start by giving you a husband if you don't have one.
:'''Annette''': When I decide I want one, I'll remember your generous offer, Mr. Quayle.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': It's just a matter of common sense. I mean, it must have taken quite some time for the escaping gas from the basement to have reached the open flame in the kitchen. If Patricia were alive or conscious, she would have smelled the gas, don't you think? 
:'''Attorney Quayle''': The Crown must prove that she didn't die in that fire.
:'''Jessica''': It's not a matter of proof. It's a matter of logic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Annette''': It's like being mugged.
:'''Jessica''': Is that kind of character assassination legal? 
:'''Annette''': Not very, but it's what Oliver Quayle does best.
:'''Jessica''': I'm no expert, but I thought I noticed you landing one or two low blows yourself.
:'''Annette''': When a girl steps into the alley to duke it out with the great Oliver Quayle, she better have a set of brass knuckles in her glove.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Barnaby Friar''': Sometimes, when things aren't going well, (Quayle) forgets his manners.
:'''Jessica''': When the jury brings in a verdict, you'd better have a muzzle handy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': How many ex-wives does Mr. Quayle have? 
:'''Secretary''': Three. ''[Smiles]'' All originally his secretaries.

=== ''Old Habits Die Hard'' [4.4] ===
:'''Reverend Mother Claire''': Don't patronize me, Jess. We are growing the scrawniest tomatoes east of the Mississippi.
:'''Jessica''': ''[Laughs]'' Well, let's just say they're a little underdeveloped.
:'''Rev. M. Claire''': ''[Laughs]'' I've tried everything. Fertilizer, prayer. I even considered doing a rain dance, but I was afraid the bishop might catch me at it.
:'''Jessica''': Claire, I hate to remind you, but your thumb is anything but green. Do you remember that little flower patch that we started behind the Kappa Delta house? 
:'''Rev. M. Claire''': Do I remember! While you were knee-deep in marigolds, my zinnias just quit before they even started to bud.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': You know, the last time I saw Nellie, she was trying to organize a rafting excursion down the Snake River in Idaho.
:'''Rev. M. Claire''': ''[Laughing]'' Oh, dear Nellie. She couldn't open a can of peas without cutting a finger. I hope she survived.
:'''Jessica''': Oh, yes. She even sent me photos from her hospital bed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': I hope I didn't make her feel uncomfortable.
:'''Rev. M. Claire''': You? The girl who managed to charm Dean Franklin out of a three-day suspension? 
:'''Jessica''': You could have to if you had only stopped climbing that flagpole when he told you to.
:'''Rev. M. Claire''': What, and lose the bet?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After discussing Sister Emily's death]''
:'''Rev. M. Claire''': Ridiculous or not, it's obvious we'll have to postpone today's dedication.
:'''Bishop Patrick Shea''': Mother Superior, one moment. The parish has been rocked to the core by all of this with tremors reaching up to the cardinal himself, who agrees that the sooner we put this behind us, the better it'll be for everyone.
:'''Rev. M. Claire''': Surely you can't mean- 
:'''Bishop Shea''': Case closed. [[w:Eternal_Rest|Requiem aeternum pacem]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bishop Shea''': Mrs. Fletcher, with all due respect to that writer's imagination of yours, you are forgetting one fact. The convent was locked from dinner until the police arrived, which was after Sister Emily died. Now, how could Mike Phelps, Nancy Bates, or anybody else for that matter have broken in without leaving a trace? 
:'''Jessica''': I admit I can't answer that.
:'''Bishop Shea''': No, I didn't think you could.
:'''Jessica''': Yet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': I knew that there had to be another way into the convent. But what puzzled me was that none of the other sisters seem to know anything about it.
:'''Nancy Bates''': Easy. It was sealed right after the Civil War. Only a couple of wards found out about it in the '60s and they had it reopened without the sisters ever finding out. It's kinda been our little secret since. You know, a kind of matter of honor among the wards.
:'''Jessica''': Unfortunately, I'm afraid it's become a matter of murder.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': I must be overlooking something.
:'''Rev. M. Claire''': I'm afraid there's not much here to overlook. We lead a pretty austere life here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bishop Shea''': ''[Mentioning Reverend Mother Claire]'' Try to impress on your dear old friend here the obligation of obedience. She is a troublemaker, you know.
:'''Jessica''': Bishop, I'm afraid that is your problem, and a delightful one you're going to have to deal with for a long, long time.

=== ''The Way to Dusty Death'' [4.5] ===
:'''Duncan Barnett''': I love nothing better than a good argument. Except winning.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lydia Barnett'''; Mr. Osborne, we've been expecting you. And Miss, uh... 
:'''Serena''': Serena. Just Serena. Only one name like [[w:Ann-Margret|Ann-Margret]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Anne Hathaway''': Vice Presidents are expected to look good, especially when they lose which, in my case, will be no problem at all.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kate Dutton''': The price we pay to help our husbands scale the ladder.
:'''Jessica''': I guess I was lucky. My husband Frank sold real estate and the only person he ever tried to butter up was my mother.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Virginia McCormack''': Who the hell does he think he is?! 
:'''Morgan McCormack''': He's the guy that runs the game, Ginny.
:'''Virgina''': My God. You act like you don't even care that that dinosaur refuses to become extinct! 
:'''Morgan''': Even the dinosaurs died, Ginny. Time's on our side. The law of nature. 
:'''Virginia''': Maybe we should give nature a little push.
:'''Morgan''': Let's go to bed, Ginny.
:'''Virginia''': Morgan. We're talking about your future! Our future. With him in control, how are you going to get to the top? He's only going to keep on playing you like a little lapdog.
:'''Morgan''': There are other companies. I mean, you just don't- 
:'''Virginia''': Starting over? Morgan, is that what you want? Besides, everybody thought he was gonna die last year anyway. He's living on borrowed time as it is.
:'''Morgan''': There's a house full of people, Ginny.
:'''Virginia''': Exactly. A house full of suspects.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom Dutton''': Believe me, Mrs. Fletcher. I only want what's best for this company.
:'''Jessica''': That seems to be what everybody says that they want.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Virginia''': Jessica? I do hope you're not accusing my husband of murder. Because if you are, I think you ought to know that we have an excellent attorney whose only unattractive quality is his penchant for winning [[lawsuit]]s.

=== ''It Runs in the Family'' [4.6] ===
:'''Pru''': Ever think about goin' back up on the stage yourself, Em? 
:'''Emma McGill''': Me? Sing again? Oh, this voice isn't what it used to be. It's got more cracks than an old teapot.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lord Geoffrey Constable''':It's me, Emma. Not quite so, uh, so sprightly, perhaps?
:'''Jessica''': Oh, I wouldn't say that. I think it's me the parade's passed by, love.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Johnny Constable''': Are you here, Humphrey? What happened? Somebody die? 
:'''Humphrey Defoe''': Happily, John, your uncle is reasonably well today.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Blandings''': I've just examined your uncle, and... Well, I can't explain it, actually. His blood pressure's normal, his heartbeat regular, his eyes clear- 
:'''Emma''': Oh, thank the Lord!
:'''Dr. Blandings''': Well, that's one explanation.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emma''': Oh, my old dad would rap me over the knuckles properly, would he. He'd say to me, ''&quot;Emma darlin',&quot;'' he'd say. ''&quot;It's unlikely you'll ever become a lady, but there's no reason you shouldn't behave like one.&quot;''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inspector Frost''': Where money is concerned or a title for the taking, the human race is capable of practically anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inspector Frost''': I think justice will best be served if Mr. Constable here comes with me down to the station.
:'''Johnny''':Like bloody hell I will.
:'''Inspector Frost''': I'm putting that in the form of a request, sir. If you prefer, I'll place you under arrest.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sybil Constable''': There's a 4:45 to London, Miss MacGill. Do hurry. I wouldn't want you to miss it.
:'''Emma''': Oh, on that we agree.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inspector Frost''': Have you ever considered becoming a detective? 
:'''Emma''': Me? ''[Laughs]'' Oh, go on with you!
:'''Inspector Frost''': No, really. You have a knack for it.
:'''Emmma''': Do I? Well, let's just say it runs in the family.

=== ''If It's Thursday, It Must Be Beverly'' [4.7] ===
:'''Ideal Molloy''': Oh, look, Eve! Here's a recipe for low-cal popcorn balls. And they're decorated to look like clocks.
:'''Eve Simpson''': How convenient. Next time you throw a cocktail party, your guests can gag and know what time it is.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ideal''': I must say, I feel like I'm going to get lucky today.
:'''Eve''': Oh, Ideal, you haven't gotten lucky since your husband left you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''':  You know, I've never been very lucky at gambling. Once Frank and I went to Las Vegas, and I lost at roulette playing on both the black and the red at the same time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Tupper''': What is it? 
:'''Jessica''': [[w:Squid_as_food#Fried_squid|Calamari]].
:'''Sheriff Tupper''': Oh! ''[Chuckles]'' What's that? Some kind of fancy chicken?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Something just doesn't add up though.
:'''Sheriff Tupper''': Oh, now, I've been waitin' for that, Mrs. Fletcher. You're gonna tell me there's no suicide note. But you know as well as I do, they don't always leave notes.
:'''Jessica''': I know, but what really bothers me is that women don't usually shoot themselves, Amos. I mean, they're more likely to take pills, which were certainly at Audrey's disposal.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Look, it wasn't your fault that by the time we got back, the squid was a little rubbery.
:'''Dr. Hazlitt''': A little rubbery? We could have turned them into snow tires.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Doesn't it seem a little strange to you that Eve also called in about her cat on Tuesday, last Tuesday and...
:'''Sheriff Tupper''': ...the Tuesday before that.
:'''Jessica''': You know, Phyllis Grant said something about Eve Simpson suddenly wanting two airline tickets yesterday, instead of one.
:'''Sheriff Tupper''': Makes you kinda wonder if it was the cat Jonathan was attending to or the canary.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Hazlitt''': Where's my New Hampshire Weekly? I didn't get it this week.
:'''George Tibbits''': Should have come in yesterday. 
:'''Dr. Hazlitt''': Well, yes, it should have come in yesterday, George, but it didn't.
:'''George''': Never got mine either, come to think of it. Maybe they just never got on the truck. Well, no news from New Hampshire that can't wait. ''[Laughing]'' 
:'''Dr. Hazlitt''': It's a wonder anybody from this town ever got their draft notices from World War II.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Tupper''': Well, Doc, seems your nurse was one of Jonathan's regulars.
:'''Dr. Hazlitt''': Beverly?! Why, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in all my life!!
:'''Sheriff Tupper''': According to the logbook, if it's Thursday, it must be Beverly.

=== ''Steal Me a Story'' [4.8] ===
:''[Acting out a scene as Dr. Balliard]''
:'''Gary Patterson''': ''&quot;Which means he was the one who hid in the alley waiting for Agatha Baxendale's chauffeur to respond to the blackmail note that had been sent to Agatha's brother-in-law Sidney the night before Naomi Randall's elopement with-&quot;'' Ran off with who?
:'''Script Prompter''': Siegfried Perlmutter.
:'''Gary''': Siegfried? Perlmutter? Naomi? Who comes up with these names anyway? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': This Mr. Stone sounds like a very dishonest person.
:'''Gayle Yamada''': He's a television producer.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gayle''': Look, I'm sorry, Mr. Stone, but in good conscience, I- 
:'''Avery Stone''': Yeah, honey, do yourself a favor. That conscience of yours? Lose it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sid Sharkey''': Sweetheart, listen to me. Forget features. Forget Perlman. You're a TV star making big bucks.
:'''Brenda Blake''': I'm warning you. I'll walk.
:'''Sid''': You do, and you'll be slingin' hash at Dinty Moore's the rest of your life. We've got a contract, you and me, remember? Now it may be a trap, but it's lined with mink, so like they say, lay back and enjoy it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frieda Schmidt''': I have your message for Mr. Sharkey right here. I'm sure he'll return your call as soon as possible.
:'''Jessica''': Yes, well, I have a great deal to say to him, and given a choice, I'd rather say it in person.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gayle''': Mrs. Fletcher, I haven't been here in Hollywoodland for very long, but one thing I have learned: Protect your fanny at all costs.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frieda''':  I'm so sorry we couldn't get you something better but they give all the really good offices to the movie people.
:'''Jessica''': I think this is lovely.
:'''Frieda''': You should see what the genius in the corner office has. His last two pictures lost 30 million bucks. His fridge is stuffed with beluga caviar. Us they send Beer Nuts.

=== ''Trouble in Eden'' [4.9] ===
:'''Jessica''': I don't believe in coincidences, especially when they involve murder or attempted murder.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lewis Framm''': Doesn't it bother you that Charlotte probably died in this room? 
:'''Jessica''': No, the only thing that bothers me is unanswered questions.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lewis''': I think I'm overdressed for the county recorder's office. I need bib overalls and a shovel for that filing mess.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': What's your offer? 
:'''C.J. Dobbs''': $100,000, lock, stock and barrel.
:'''Jessica''': Well, I can speak for the lock and the barrel but the stock will have to speak for themselves.
:'''C.J.''':  Ma'am?
:'''Jessica''': Before I can reply to your offer, my lawyer and I will have to look over Charlotte's books.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Hurry! Take me to a telephone. I just lied about the sheriff, and I have to let him in on it.

=== ''Indian Giver'' [4.10] ===
:'''George Longbow''': Donna, look, my people have been bowing and scraping to the white man for centuries, and what did it ever get us? Indignation, humiliation and reservations. Not to mention several dozen diseases imported from Europe.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donna Crenshaw''': I understand where you're coming from, but these people feel threatened. It doesn't take a whole lot of fear to turn a crowd into a mob.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Professor Harold Crenshaw''': Donna, I'm sorry. You think we can go inside, sit down, have lunch? We can make it a table for three.
:'''Donna''': Come on, George. I think we're about to negotiate a peace treaty.

=== ''Doom with a View'' [4.11] ===
:'''Jessica''': The Montaigne Plaza? Oh, my goodness. That hotel has more stars than the sidewalks in Hollywood.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Mark Havlin''': If I let you know all the wonderful things I do around here, you'd have to give me a raise.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garrett Harper''': (Cornelia)'s the consummate workaholic. Rumor has it that she once took out time for dinner in 1965. But it's just a rumor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': You know, if I read one more paragraph tonight, this manuscript is gonna start looking like one big typo.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inspector Donald Matheney''': You do have a writer's imagination, Mrs. Fletcher.
:'''Jessica''': Thank you.
:'''Inspector Matheney''': I didn't quite mean that as a- 
:'''Jessica''': I know what you meant, Inspector.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grady''': I really appreciate all the trouble you went to, Aunt Jess.
:'''Jessica''': Good. Then maybe in gratitude you can tell me why you did something so... so... 
:'''Grady''': Dumb? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''':  Look, Grady, the day that you and I can't have a good old-fashioned argument, I'm gonna start wondering where I went wrong.
:'''Jessica''': Good word.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garrett''': Hey, pal, now that Havlin's confessed, how'd you like to be my best man? 
:'''Grady''': Aw, gee, I'd really like to, but I'm gonna be busy that day.
:'''Garrett''': I haven't told you the day.
:'''Grady''': I know.

=== ''Who Threw the Barbitals in Mrs. Fletcher's Chowder?'' [4.12] ===
:'''Dr. Hazlitt''': Well, look, perhaps you could take some time off, have a bit of lunch.
:'''Sheriff Tupper''': If I could take time off, I'd go to the bathroom.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Winnie Tupper Banner''': It's hard to love a person when you don't know what they're gonna do next.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Hazlitt''':  His sister? My, my, my! ''[Chuckle]'' Well, I had always thought of Amos as one of a kind. Here, let me have a look at you. No, I'm afraid I don't see any family resemblance. And that, my dear, is all to your credit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Seth, look, I feel sorry for Winnie.
:'''Dr. Hazlitt''': Winnie?! What about me?!! 
:'''Jessica''': Look, if she'd come to me, I would've taken her in. But she didn't, Seth, she came to you for help.
:'''Dr. Hazlitt''': Because I'm closer! Closer, woman! I'm a victim of geography!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flo Oakes''': Do you mean he died without ever wakin' up? 
:'''Dr. Hazlitt''': Near the end, he did open his eyes for a brief period.
:'''Kenny Oakes''': Did he say anything? 
:'''Dr. Hazlitt''': Elmo uttered exactly one word.
:'''Sheriff Tupper''': Somebody's name? 
:'''Dr. Hazlitt''': No. It was an obscenity.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Mr. Bellamy, did you ever see Elmo take pills? 
:'''Ed Bellamy''': All the time. Like peanuts. Sometimes he was so high the only way you could see him was on radar.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Hazlitt''': One thing about Amos's in-laws: They explain a lot about Amos.

=== ''Harbinger of Death'' [4.13] ===
:'''Fay Hewitt''': If you finally find this comet...
:'''Leonard Palmer''': When, not if.
:'''Fay''': ...they'll probably name it for you, posthumously. &quot;Here lies Leonard Palmer, asleep at last.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Thor Lundquist''': I'm a pragmatist, my friend, unlike my colleague Leonard Palmer who scans the night skies trying to discover the undiscoverable. If the government is interested in financing my lifestyle, I'll gladly furnish the government with anything it wishes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Dr. Palmer is on the verge of finding a comet.
:'''Sgt. Kettler''': I didn't know one was missing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Perhaps someone moved the telescope after Dr. Palmer left. Perhaps someone else wanted to know what was going on. Perhaps someone wanted to incriminate Dr. Palmer.
:'''Sgt. Kettler''': That's an awful lot of perhapses, ma'am.

=== ''Curse of the Daanav'' [4.14] ===
:'''Richard Hazlitt''': What's the point of having money if you don't spend it? Besides, all I want is a measly thou. You can call it an advance on my inheritance.
:'''Carolyn Hazlitt''': ''[Sighs]'' Carolyn, honey, these advances are becoming an all-out major assault.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''':  Seth Hazlitt, you are a monument to mulishness.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carolyn''': Oh, Uncle Seth! Having fun at Daddy's little soiree? 
:'''Mark Hazlitt''': Don't be absurd, Carolyn. No one has fun. One simply survives from one drink to the next.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Richard''': Remember that time when we got bombed on some of Dad's best Irish whiskey and tried to join the marines? 
:'''Dr. Hazlitt''': The recruiting officer took one look at our faces, said, &quot;All right, boys. Come back when you're sober and when you're at least 17.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Hazlitt''': And here we sit. Two of the biggest fools that ever drew breath. What do you say we stop wasting it? 
:'''Richard''': To us.
:'''Dr. Hazlitt''': You said it, Brother.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lt. Steven Ames''': Mrs. Fletcher, just between the two of us, which one are you with? 
:'''Jessica''': I beg your pardon? 
:'''Lt. Ames''': Well, I first suspected after our talk in the garage, but that bit about Muslims and Hindus? Dead giveaway. So which is it? FBI, CIA, NSC?
:'''Jessica''': Lieutenant Ames, I don't know who or what you think I am, but I assure you, I'm simply a mystery writer from Cabot Cove, Maine.
:'''Lt. Ames''': Cabot Cove. Nice touch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mark''': Lawyers. Can't live with them, can't die without them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lt. Ames''': I'd advise you not to plan any sudden vacations, Mr. Singh.
:'''Vikram Singh''': Only a man with something to hide runs away.

=== ''Mourning Among the Wisterias'' [4.15] ===
:'''Eugene McClenden''': If they want happy endings, let 'em go to the movies. It's art, Jessica. It has to end badly.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crystal Wendle''': Oh, Uncle Eugene, you know what the doctor said. 
:'''Eugene''': That man's a sadist. He only knows about needles, scalpels and disgusting intrusions into the body.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Arnold Goldman''': Eugene, it sure is nice to be working with you again. You trimmed down since the last time I saw you.
:'''Ola Mae''': He doesn't eat enough to keep a bird alive.
:'''Eugene''': Wages of sin, Arnold. And the price of great art.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eugene''': You know the life I've lived. Could be my liver's pickled, kidney's turned to stone, malignant cells multiplying feverishly in my stomach...
:'''Jessica''': But surely there must be something that can be done.
:'''Eugene''': Exploratory surgery? You keep the old vegetable alive for another six months just to watch him twitch? No. [[w:John_Barleycorn|John Barleycorn]] will see me across the River Styx.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crystal''': Jessica, I think I owe you an explanation about last night.
:'''Jessica''': Only if it'll make you feel better.
:'''Crystal''': It's very important that Todd be a success in his new position in Jonathan's firm, and apparently, Jonathan misunderstood my interest in advancing Todd's career.
:'''Jessica''': Jonathan tried to exchange one advance for another?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Arnold''': Trust? That's rarely the basis of a sound business arrangement.

=== ''Murder Through the Looking Glass'' [4.16] ===
:'''Sgt. Cooper''': So, Mrs. Fletcher, sorry. Seems like you were right. Mr. Cosgrove has turned up on a cold slab in the morgue.
:'''Jessica''': He's also in a warm bed in Farmington. I met him right after he'd been shot in the head and the heart and dumped into the Connecticut River and he seemed to have taken it very well.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Father Patrick Francis''': I'm being perfectly honest with you. And since you penetrated my cover, you're going to have to trust me.
:'''Jessica''': Why? 
:'''Father Francis''':Well, now, that's a good question. How about because I work for the government?
:'''Jessica''': Do you trust everyone who works for the government?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Father Francis''': Okay, when this is over, you remind me and whatever you don't like, I'll just pluck out of the file and it will be as if it never happened. Jessica, I want you to find out what's going on in that safe house, and I want you to share it with me.
:'''Jessica''': In other words, you want me to spy on others so that you can fill ''their'' files? My answer to that is, no, thank you.

=== ''A Very Good Year for Murder'' [4.17] ===
:'''Jessica''': Seventy-five is a milestone. It's not the end of the road.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Skyler''': But my real ambition is to write a novel. Are there any tips you could give me? 
:'''Jessica''': Oh, read, read and read some more.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Police Chief Thaddeus Kyle''': So, Mrs. Fletcher, are you enjoying the party? 
:'''Jessica''': Oh, yes, although I shudder at the thought of all these calories. But they smell so wonderful.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Stella told me that Salvatore has been under great pressure from an eastern conglomerate to sell.
Kansatronics... something like that.
:'''Chief Kyle''': Well, now you're telling me that a Fortune 500 is hiring mob muscle to negotiate their contracts? 
:'''Jessica''': Maybe this company isn't even in the Fortune 5,000.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Salvatore Gambini''': Everybody dies. It's what you do before you die that's important.

=== ''Benedict Arnold Slipped Here'' [4.18] ===
:'''Jessica''': Poor Tillie. She was forgotten before she was gone.
:'''Dr. Hazlitt''': I've seen larger crowds at the drive-in theater waiting in line for mosquito spray.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wilton Tibbles''': Benny, whatever it is, I'm not interested.
:'''Benny Tibbles''': Well, you should be interested, little brother, because I am perfectly willing to cut you in on something very big.
:'''Wilton''': Ah. How big? About the size of a white elephant? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': How does it look? 
:'''Eve Simpson''': Ah, where to start? The building is ancient and dilapidated, the plumbing needs to be ripped out and replaced, the wiring is a joke, the roof is shot, the building has dry rot and will never pass a termite inspection, the septic tank is inadequate, the trees are dying, the fence is falling down, the backyard is a dump.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eve''': The word is the new owner's in town.
:'''Jessica''': I can see that the beauty parlor for communication system is working in good order.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Benny''': I wouldn't let you handle this stuff if you were the last antique dealer in the world.
:'''Wilton''': There's more than one way to skin a cat.
:'''Benny''': You know, I've heard that all my life, and I still don't know what it means.
:'''Wilton''': Be careful. You might find out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eve''': Mr. Andrews is thinking of buying this house.
:'''Alastair Andrews''': If so, I shall have the house dismantled and shipped back to England.
:'''Sheriff Tupper''': England? What for? 
:'''Alastair''': To have it reassembled, as a shrine to [[w:Benedict_Arnold|Benedict Arnold]].
:'''Sheriff Tupper''': A shrine?! 
:'''Jessica''': Uh, Amos, uh, don't you think you should get the tape out of your car to seal off the den? 
:'''Sheriff Tupper''': Next thing you know we'll be celebratin' [[w:Benito_Mussolini|Mussolini's]] birthday.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''':  I stopped by the lawyer's office. He said that you haven't furnished him with any identification.
:'''Liza Adams''': Well, like, I burned my birth certificate and my passport in 1970 when I declared myself a citizen of the universe.
:'''Jessica''': Do you have a driver's license? 
:'''Liza''': I burned that in 1972. It was an anti-pollution rally.
:'''Jessica''': Any credit cards? 
:'''Liza''': Ha! You gotta be kidding. Oh, so I got no I.D. Does that make me a non-person? 
:'''Jessica''': No, it doesn't. But it may make it difficult for you to establish a legal claim to your legacy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eve''': I would get down on my knees and beg, but this is my last good pair of panty hose! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Mr. Andrews is in the den, getting the feel of 1780.
:'''Sheriff Tupper''': Doesn't he know his side lost the war?

=== ''Just Another Fish Story'' [4.19] ===
:'''Harry Finlay''': The more you abuse the nouveau riche, the better they tip.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harry''': Mimi, I want you to meet a real writer. This is Jessica Fletcher, mystery novelist. Mimi Harcourt, gossip.
:'''Mimi Harcourt''': Not gossip, Harry. Trends.
:'''Jessica''': You're a columnist? Oh, I've always thought that must be the hardest job.
:'''Mimi''':  Well, I'm afraid I haven't read you either, Jennifer. But, of course, my readers aren't into fiction, they're more into making their own scene.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grady''': ''(Asking Jessica her impression of his fiancée)'' She's, uh- She's pretty okay, isn't she? 
:'''Jessica''': Mm-hmm. Donna gives new meaning to &quot;Okay&quot;, believe me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mimi''': The food biz is all theater. Part of the excitement is watching the changing cast of characters.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lt. Ralph Rupp''': You and your brother live together, ma'am? 
:'''Alice Brooke''': This is New York. We own a restaurant, Lieutenant, not Rockefeller Center.
:'''Lt. Rupp''': My youngest wants to leave the house and go out on her own. I told her I got other plans for my pension.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mimi''': Look, this gig is about as permanent as origami tofu. They have gone through six journalists here in the last two years.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Donna, people who love each other want to help each other.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grady''': I already met your father, and he fired me.
:'''Donna''':Oh, that's okay. I mean, he fires everybody. He probably won't even remember it.
:'''Grady''': Really? You think? 
:'''Donna''': Oh, he fired me once too.

=== ''Showdown in Saskatchewan'' [4.20] ===
:'''Jessica''': Well, if (Marty)'s as good with horses as he is with visiting aunts from Maine, I'd say that (his rival) Mr. Talbot was in for a lot of trouble.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wally Bryce''': Guess we all knew that smokin' would get Doc someday, huh? Never figured it like that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jill Morton''': I called you first thing at the motel.
:'''Jessica''':What time was that? 
:'''Jill''': 8.30.
:'''Jessica''': First thing is around 7.00 for me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Luke Purdue''': You're sayin' somebody tried to kill me? That's crazy!
:'''RCMP Inspector Roger McCabe''': A man without enemies? You're a rare species, Mr. Purdue.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Tenacity is an admirable virtue.
:'''Carla Talbot''': Until it turns into thick-headed stubbornness.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Now, if you have any doubts about your future with Marty Reed, I suggest that you talk to him about it. Don't be afraid to ask him the hard question. If he doesn't give you the good answer, well, that's your answer. Remember one thing: You're the one who's gonna make up your mind about all this. Not me. Not your mother. But you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inspector McCabe''': ''(When uncovering a clue)''  Strange.
:'''Jessica''': No, not strange at all.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jill''': It's Mom. She's gonna kill me when I get home.
:'''Jessica''': Well, if she does, it will be from asphyxiation due to excessive hugging.

=== ''Deadpan'' [4.21] ===
:'''Eliot Easterbrook''': Do you know that it has been said that the theater is a temple? If so, it is a temple which has frequently worshipped false gods. Only time and astute critical judgment will tell if Mainely Murder, which opens here tomorrow night, will honor the gods or yet again, profane them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Mr. Easterbrook, I am here to attend the opening night and to bask in Walter's success.
:'''Eliot''': Bask? Is that a prediction, Mrs. Fletcher, or just hype? 
:'''Jessica''': Isn't it true that the only thing you can predict about the theater is that it is unpredictable? 
:'''Eliot''': Oh, bravo, Mrs. Fletcher. You must have stayed up all night thinking that one up.
:'''Jessica''': No, actually. [[w:Molière|Molière]] did it for me about 200 years ago.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shayne Grant''': Curtain going up, darling! 
:'''Eliot''': I hope you don't think by inviting me to your postprandial party, you'll color my reaction to your little play.
:'''Shayne''': Of course not, darling, but missing the first scene might. 
:'''Barney Mapost''': ''[After he leaves the lobby]'' Finally I get it! He likes being late! He's only comfortable in the dark!
:'''Shayne''': Like all creatures who prey off the living.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lt. Aloyius Jarvis''': ''(About Eliot)'' The guy gets paid for being insulting. My cousin Marvin spent his lifetime doing that for free.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lt. Jarvis''': Oh, I don't know, Mrs. Fletcher. Finding him with the murder weapon in his hand? It's just too good to ignore.
:'''Jessica''': Exactly! It's too good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Mr. Easterbrook, doesn't it get tiring, being the voice of disdain? 
:'''Eliot''': I never tire of putting people in their place.
:'''Jessica''': I can't help but wonder what interests are served when critics make destructive remarks simply to be, well, amusing. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Walter Knapf''': Look, it isn't the way it seems.
:'''Jessica''': Well, maybe you can tell us the way it was.

=== ''The Body Politic'' [4.22] ===
:'''Kathleen Lane''': Mr. Hall, I don't want to talk about rumors. It demeans both our professions.
:'''Edmund Hall''': But five years ago, when you were mayor of your home town, stories persisted that you had an affair with a married man.
:'''Kathleen''': Forgive me, Mr. Hall. What should be put to bed in this campaign is gossip, not me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kathleen''': The fact is, if it isn't a presidential election, the public interest is on a par with Saturday night wrestling.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bud Johnson''': ''(Reviewing one of Kathleen's upcoming speeches)'' It's good. Though you might want to soft pedAl this reference to day care for working mothers.
:'''Jessica''': But in a speech Kathleen gave last week, she came out for day care.
:'''Bud''': Yeah, well, that was at a day care center. The speech you're working on is for a couple hundred ladies at a country club, and they already have day care. They call her the maid.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Have you considered that somebody else may have killed Mr. Johnson and framed Mrs. Lane for the express purpose of destroying her candidacy? 
:'''Lt. Gowans''': It's crossed my mind.
:'''Jessica''': Next time it starts crossing, Lieutenant, please stop it halfway and give it some attention.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Edmund''': The public loves a peek into a candidate's personal file.
:'''Jessica''': You know, at times it seems that's all they are interested in.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lt. Gowan''': I just heard on the radio that a new poll from the Daily Post says Mrs.Lane just fell 12 points behind you. 
:'''C.W. Butterfield''': You can't say you're surprised.
:'''Lt. Gowan''': Surprised? Nothing about politics surprises me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Edmund''': The political beat puts people to sleep. It's dry, it's boring. They want to see [[w:Dallas_(1978_TV_series)|Dallas]], [[w:Knots_Landing|Knots Landing]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kathleen''':  I've learned the hard way that a candidate is worth two angles to the media. When I was 20 points behind in the polls, they tried to build me up with those heart-rending stories about the gutsy underdog.
:'''Jessica''': But after molding you into David versus Goliath, they wanted a new angle for the morning edition.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kathleen''': If a candidate's character becomes the issue of the campaign, and the bedroom becomes the ballot box, then the candidate can no longer speak on the vital ideas and programs that should be addressed.

== Season 5 ==
=== ''J.B. as in Jailbird'' [5.1] ===
:'''Lancaster''': In two day's time, Leonard Matoso arrives here from Africa to give a speech at Berkeley.
:'''Randy Travis''': Oh, yes. A highly publicized, politically orchestrated event engineered to embarrass the entrenched regime in his own country.
:'''Michael Hagarty''':Matoso is a can of petrol looking for a match.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Jessica talks to a hooker in jail)''
:'''Veronica''': What ya in for, honey? 
:'''Jessica''': Oh! Uh... it's all a misunderstanding.
:'''Veronica''': Yeah, I know what you mean. With me it was political.
:'''Jessica''': Political? 
:'''Veronica''': Well, how was I to know he was the state senator? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Michael, what have you done to me? 
:'''Michael''': ''(Southern accent)'' Michael? Why, no, ma'am. Derek Dawson, of Peabody, Perkins and Proctor, at your service. And my professional advice is that you give no statement to the police. ''(Normal voice)'' I suspect they wouldn't believe you anyway.
:'''Jessica''': Well, they certainly don't. And I'm sure I have you to thank for it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Veronica''': Gee, honey, I had you figured for shoplifting or maybe kiting checks. But murder? Jessica, I knew you had class.

=== ''A Little Night Work'' [5.2] ===
:'''Axel Weingard''': The thieves here tonight are into stealing elections, not diamonds.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Miles Hatcher''': It's quite a soirée Mrs. Darrow is hosting here.
:'''Dennis Stanton''': Yes. Yes. All the candidates lined up to kiss the lady's ring. Should be quite an evening.
:'''Miles''': I didn't realize you were into politics, Dennis.
:'''Dennis''': I'm not, Mr. Hatcher. I'm into parties.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dennis''': Tell me, do you think the words of a truly good writer reflect her innermost fantasies? 
:'''Jessica''': You mean, do I ever feel overwhelmed by an urge to dispatch my enemies with the nearest available weapon? Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I abhor violence.
:'''Dennis''': Oh, me too. So messy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''NYPD Lt. Bert Alffano''': Look, lady, it's not much of a career, but it's the only one I got, and the last cop who bumped heads against City Hall is patrolling junkyards in Astoria.
:'''Jessica''': And if it comes out that you are protecting a killer, where do you think you will end up? 
:'''Lt. Alffano''': You don't give a guy much room, do you?

=== ''Mr. Penroy's Vacation'' [5.3] ===
:''(Covering for Penroy's death)''
:'''Helen Appletree''': We thought of calling off the (birthday) party, but he said he wanted everybody to come and enjoy themselves, didn't he, Lillian?
:'''Lilian Appletree''': Yes. Those were his last words.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jessica''': Sheriff, perhaps the ladies might give a little more information if you were a little more gentle.
:'''Sheriff Mort Metzger''': Oh...You mean, less iron fist and more velvet glove.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Metzger''': One thing you learn on the streets of New York: You can't judge by appearances.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Metzger''': I've had years of experience dealing with slimeballs like them. Faced with a murder-one rap, they'll cough up the location of that money like a baby with the colic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(When they discover the money stash)''
:'''Helen''':  They're all so new. They're brand new! 
:'''Lilian''': Oh, that's all right. We'll run it through the washing machine like the gangsters do on television.

=== ''Snow White, Blood Red'' [5.4] ===
:'''Jessica''': ''(Talking about a crossbow)'' Oh, my! That is a nasty-looking item. I never noticed it before.
:'''Anne Lowery''': We use it on beginners who clog up the expert course.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Anne''': How could you humiliate me like that?
:'''Mike Lowery''': That's very funny, darling. I've been meaning to ask you the same question for a week!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pamela Leeds''': The business world can be very treacherous, like a downhill course laced with rocks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed McMasters''': Well, you're welcome to join us, if you don't mind eating with a cop.
:'''Jessica''': Oh, not at all! They're some of my favorite people.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Lewis''': This is absurd, Mrs. Fletcher! I am not a coroner, I'm a gynecologist!
:'''Jessica''': I'm afraid, Doctor, that necessity creates strange bedfellows.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Angela Lansbury|Angela Lansbury]] - Jessica Fletcher
* [[w:William Windom (actor)|William Windom]] - Dr. Seth Hazlitt
* [[w:Tom Bosley|Tom Bosley]] - Sheriff Amos Tupper
* [[w:Ron Masak|Ron Masak]] - Sheriff Mort Metzger
* [[w:Louis Herthum|Louis Herthum]] - Deputy Andy Broom

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia|Murder, She Wrote}}
* {{IMDb title|id=0086765|title=Murder, She Wrote}}

[[Category:1980s American crime drama TV shows]]
[[Category:1990s American crime drama TV shows]]
[[Category:1980s American mystery TV shows]]
[[Category:1990s American mystery TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Legal TV dramas‎]]
[[Category:CBS shows]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3147912</id>
      <parentid>3135411</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T23:52:50Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>131.100.204.191</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="8989" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:SpongeBob SquarePants: league of destruction |league of destruction ]] [[w:SpongeBob SquarePants: league of destruction is a 2000 video game based off the popular TV cartoon. In the game, [[w: mandark (character)|mandark]] creates the Duplicatotron, a machine designed to create hordes of robots. However, upon activating the machine, mandark realizes that he forgot to set the machine to &quot;Obey&quot; mode, and the robots kick him out. That same night, Spongebob and friends goes to moody clouds, and imagination well hector con carne and friends and castle magic wishing shell, in hopes of being able to play with real robots. When Spongebob finds out that there are robots running amuck throughout moody clouds, he believes that it is his fault, and goes to set things right. It was published by [[w:THQ Nordic GmbH|THQ]] and developed by [[w:Heavy Iron Studios|Heavy Iron Studios]].

==SpongeBob SquarePants==
* Upon getting damaged:
** ''&quot;[[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 2#Imitation Krabs (4.2)|As long as these Pants are Square and this Sponge is Bob, I will not let Bikini Bottom down!]]&quot;''
** ''&quot;Ready for another fantastic day!&quot;''
** ''&quot;Go, SpongeBob! Go, SpongeBob! Go, SpongeBob!&quot;''
** ''&quot;Go SpongeBob! It's your birthday!&quot;''
** ''&quot;998, 999, 1000... Ready or not, Here I come!&quot;''
* ''&quot;[[Apocalypse Now|(inhales) I love the smell of bubbles in the morning. Smells like... victory.]]&quot;''
* In SpongeBob's Kitchen: ''&quot;I'd make myself a snack... BUT THERE'S NO TIME!!!&quot;''
* In SpongeBob's Bedroom: ''&quot;Maybe a little bounce on the old bed.&quot;''
* In SpongeBob's Attic: ''&quot;This is where I keep all my old comic books.&quot;''
* Boarding a bungee hook: ''&quot;The ultimate wedgie experience!&quot;''
* ''&quot;Uh-oh! I CAN'T SWIM!&quot;''
* ''&quot;Water... rising... must... get... to... higher... ground!!&quot;''
* On pushing a button:'' &quot;Sometimes, pushing a single button is the most satisfying. Push. Push. Push, push.&quot;''
* On collecting Stage Object: ''&quot;Number 1 on the Bikini Bottom Scavenger Hunt, 3 years running. A-thank you.&quot;''
* On collecting Underwear:
** ''&quot;I feel like a new sponge!&quot;''
** ''&quot;Fresh, like a spring breeze.&quot;''
* On collecting one of Patrick's Lost Socks:
** ''&quot;P.U.! Patrick needs to do laundry.&quot;''
** ''&quot;Another find for Patrick!&quot;''
** ''&quot;Boy, Patrick will be glad to have this back!&quot;''
* On collecting Golden Spatulas:
** ''(laughs)''
* Encountering Fodder Robot:'' &quot;Just my size!&quot;''
* Encountering Ham-Mer Robot:'' &quot;Ham, mer! Ha! I get it!&quot;''
* Encountering G-Love robot:'' &quot;Somehow, I don't think he needs a hand.&quot;''
* Encountering Tar-Tar robot:'' &quot;Tar-tar sauce! THE HORROR!&quot;''
* Encountering Monsoon robot:'' &quot;Rain, rain, go away!&quot;''
* Encountering Sleepy-Time robot:'' &quot;Time for a little sleepy sneak.&quot;''
* Encountering Tubelet robots:'' &quot;Terror in triplicate!&quot;''
* Encountering Slick robot:'' &quot;Slippery road ahead!&quot;
* When attacking a robot:'' &quot;Take that!&quot;''
* When destroying tikis:'' &quot;I love opening presents.&quot;
* On collecting Shiny Objects:
** '' &quot;Too pretty... can't take it!&quot;''
** '' &quot;Cha-ching!&quot;''
** '' &quot;Oh, sparkly!&quot;''
** '' &quot;It shines.&quot;''
* on using Bubble Bowl:
** ''&quot;Bowl-o-rama!&quot;
** ''&quot;Strrrrrr-ike!&quot;
* On using Cruise Bubble:
** ''&quot;Bubble Power!&quot;''
** ''&quot;Say hello to my little bubble friend.&quot;''
** ''&quot;SpongeBob to mission control, the launch is a go.&quot;''
** ''&quot;Comin' at ya!&quot;''
* On using SpongeBall powerup:
** ''&quot;Up for a game of SpongeBall?&quot;''
** ''&quot;Roll, roll, roll the sponge!&quot;''
* Upon getting a super-ultra-mega-monster-combo (seldomly also on smaller ones)
** ''&quot;[[Terminator (franchise)|You just met the Sponge-inator.]]&quot;''
* When getting hurt:
** ''&quot;Yow!&quot;''
** ''&quot;Ouch&quot;''
** ''&quot;Ow!&quot;''
* When entering Patrick's rock: ''&quot;Living under a rock. Now that's the life.&quot;''
* Upon entering Shady Shoals: ''&quot;Ahh, checkers! The king of non-contact sports!&quot;''
* At the Krusty Krab: ''&quot;I feel like I should be working!&quot;''
* At Sandy's Treedome:
** ''&quot;Waaaateeeer....&quot;''
** ''&quot;Wormy! Here, Wormy....&quot;''
** ''&quot;Oh, Hi Sandy!&quot;''
** ''&quot;Water would be nice.&quot;''
* When entering Squidward’s house: ''&quot;I didn’t know Squidward had a lamp!&quot;''

==Patrick Star==
* Upon getting damaged: ''&quot;You broke my rhythm, now I'm gonna break something of yours!&quot;''
* On pushing a button: '' &quot;Must... push... button! Can't... stop... self!&quot; ''
* On collecting Shiny Object: ''&quot;So shiny!&quot;''
* On collecting Purple Shiny Object: ''&quot;I'm sure gonna carry a lot of stuff around.&quot;''
* Encountering any robot ''&quot;I will crush them!&quot;''
* Encountering Ham-Mer Robot: ''&quot;I don't get it.&quot;''
* Encountering G-Love robot: ''&quot;It's kinda hypnotic.&quot;''
* Upon destroying tikis: ''&quot; Ooh, wooden presents!&quot;''
* Upon touching Thunder Tiki: ''&quot;Uh-oh! This one goes boom!&quot;
* When entering cave: ''&quot;Ooh, scary dark cave!&quot;''
* On collecting Underwear:
** ''&quot;That's better.&quot;''
** ''&quot;I don't think SpongeBob's underwear fits quite right.&quot;''
* Collecting a golden spatula: ''&quot;Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!&quot;'''
* On using Belly Slam:
** ''&quot;Cannonball!&quot;''
** ''&quot;Oof! Hey, my back feels better!&quot;''
* On picking up an object: ''&quot;Whoo! Up we go!&quot;''
* When getting hurt:
** ''&quot;Ooch!&quot;''
** ''&quot;Ouch!&quot;''
** ''&quot;Youch&quot;''

==Sandy Cheeks==
* On using her lasso:
** ''&quot;Nothing like a good ol' ropin' to get the heart pumpin'!&quot;''
** ''&quot;Whoooo-hoo!&quot;'' 
** ''&quot;Flyin' squirrel coming through!&quot;'' 
** ''&quot;Cowabunga!&quot;''
* When attacking a robot:
** ''&quot;Take that!&quot;''
** ''&quot;One less varmint!&quot;''
** ''&quot;That's for messing with Texas!&quot;''
** ''&quot;Hi-yah!&quot;''
* On collecting Shiny Object: ''&quot;The shinier, the better.&quot;''
* On collecting Purple Shiny Object: ''&quot;Someone better make good use of all these.&quot;''
* On collecting Stage Object: ''&quot;There's another one.&quot;''
* On collecting Underwear:
** ''&quot;Okay, well, that’s better.&quot;'' 
** ''&quot;Feelin' refreshed!&quot;''
** ''&quot;Ew! I can't believe I'm wearing SpongeBob's underwear!&quot;''
* On collecting one of Patrick's Lost Socks:
** ''&quot;Ew! Do I really have to carry Patrick's socks?&quot;''
** ''&quot;Well, I suppose it'll make Patrick happy.&quot;''
* Encountering any robot: ''Buzz off, you little pest!&quot;''
* Encountering G-Love robot: ''&quot;I'm gettin' dizzy just watchin'.&quot;''
* Encountering Slick robot: ''&quot;A little oil doesn't scare me. I'm from Texas!&quot;''
* Encountering Tar-Tar robot: ''&quot;Not as good as Texas' BBQ Sauce.&quot;''
* Encountering Sleepy-Time robot: ''&quot;What's so great about being quiet anyways?&quot;''
* Collecting a golden spatula:''&quot;Hi-ya!&quot;''
* When getting hurt:
** ''&quot;Gah!&quot;''
** ''&quot;Woah!&quot;''
** ''&quot;Ow!&quot;''

==Sheldon J. Plankton==
* ''[Beginning of the game]'' Today is the big day! I have devised an ingenious plan to finally steal the Krabby Patty formula! And if Bikini Bottom gets demolished in the process, oh well! ''[laughs evilly]'' With my brand new Duplicatotron 3000, I'll clone an army of robots that will wreak mayhem and destruction at my command! One more run through the checklist. Let's see. Item #1: &quot;Is Plankton a genius?&quot; Answer... yes! Okay, checklist complete. Throwin' the switch! ''[turns on the Duplicatotron 3000 and Fodder robots come out]'' Welcome, my perfectly obedient robot army! Hold on! I want to save this moment for my scrap... ''[Notices the Fodders surrounding him]'' ...Book? Hey, Hello? What do you think you're doing?! ''[Sees that he forgot to switch the Duplicatotron 3000 to &quot;Obey Plankton&quot; as the Fodders carry him off]'' Oh, no, no, no! Wait! But I'm your master! I made you! No! No! Oh My good china!!! ''[The Fodders kick him out of the Chum Bucket]'' Arggghh!

==Announcer Fish==
*When SpongeBob has an opportunity to attack boss: ''&quot;What an opening for a guy literally filled with openings!&quot;''
*When SpongeBob attacks the boss robot: ''&quot;That's the ticket!&quot;''
*''&quot;Great barrier reef!&quot;''
*''&quot;And the robot is down!&quot;''
*''&quot;That does it! SpongeBob is back in the fight!&quot;''
*''&quot;Nice move by SpongeBob! This match is just about over.&quot;''
*When SpongeBob gets hurt:
** ''&quot;Ooh! That's gotta sting!&quot;''
** ''&quot;Ooh! That was a doozy&quot;''
** ''&quot;Ooh! Close encounters of the painful kind!&quot;''
** ''&quot;Ooh! the humanity! Or should I say the fish-anity!&quot;''
** ''&quot;Ooh! I can't watch! Okay, maybe just a little.&quot;''
*When SpongeBob loses track of the boss: ''&quot;I guess SpongeBob won't be winning that way!&quot;''

==Dialogue==

*When Spongebob gives Patrick 10 socks: 
:'''Patrick''': Wow, Spongebob, you found some!
:'''SpongeBob''': Now they're back home, safe where they belong.
:'''Patrick''': ''[gives SpongeBob Golden Spatula]'' Here's your Golden backscratcher.
:'''SpongeBob''': Spatula.
:'''Patrick''': I don't speak Italian.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

*When SpongeBob trades Mr. Krabs Shiny Objects:
:'''Mr. Krabs''': So, do you want to trade Shiny Objects for a Golden Spatula?
::''[gives SpongeBob Golden Spatula]'' That's quality craftsmanship, that is. Come again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

*When Patrick drained the lake in Jellyfish Fields
:'''Mrs. Puff''': Well done, Patrick! You're a... real star! Ha, ha, ha!
:'''Patrick''': Can I get a cookie?
:'''Mrs. Puff''': No.

== External links==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:2003 video games]]
[[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants]]</text>
      <sha1>ojvvi6oo7ghl0uort1a8wx0j70mha46</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147914</id>
      <parentid>3147912</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T23:55:22Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>131.100.204.191</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="8936" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:SpongeBob SquarePants: league of destruction |league of destruction ]] [[w:SpongeBob SquarePants: league of destruction is a 2000 video game based off the popular TV cartoon. In the game, [[w: mandark (character)|mandark]] creates the Duplicatotron, a machine designed to create hordes of robots. However, upon activating the machine, mandark realizes that he forgot to set the machine to &quot;Obey&quot; mode, and the robots kick him out. That same night, Spongebob and friends goes to moody clouds, and imagination well hector con carne and friends and castle magic wishing shell, in hopes of being able to play with real robots. When Spongebob finds out that there are robots running amuck throughout moody clouds, he believes that it is his fault, and goes to set things right. It was published by [[w:THQ Nordic GmbH|THQ]] and developed by [[w:Heavy Iron Studios|Heavy Iron Studios]].

==SpongeBob SquarePants==
* Upon getting damaged:
** ''&quot;[[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 2#Imitation Krabs (4.2)| the machine is one of the moody cloud, once upon a time a boyfriend spongebob ]]&quot;''
** ''&quot;hello dexter!&quot;''
** ''&quot;dexter? Is out help me &quot;''
** ''&quot;Go SpongeBob! It's your birthday!&quot;''
** ''&quot;998, 999, 1000... Ready or not, Here I come!&quot;''
* ''&quot;[[Apocalypse Now|(inhales) I love the smell of bubbles in the morning. Smells like... victory.]]&quot;''
* In SpongeBob's Kitchen: ''&quot;I'd make myself a snack... BUT THERE'S NO TIME!!!&quot;''
* In SpongeBob's Bedroom: ''&quot;Maybe a little bounce on the old bed.&quot;''
* In SpongeBob's Attic: ''&quot;This is where I keep all my old comic books.&quot;''
* Boarding a bungee hook: ''&quot;The ultimate wedgie experience!&quot;''
* ''&quot;Uh-oh! I CAN'T SWIM!&quot;''
* ''&quot;Water... rising... must... get... to... higher... ground!!&quot;''
* On pushing a button:'' &quot;Sometimes, pushing a single button is the most satisfying. Push. Push. Push, push.&quot;''
* On collecting Stage Object: ''&quot;Number 1 on the Bikini Bottom Scavenger Hunt, 3 years running. A-thank you.&quot;''
* On collecting Underwear:
** ''&quot;I feel like a new sponge!&quot;''
** ''&quot;Fresh, like a spring breeze.&quot;''
* On collecting one of Patrick's Lost Socks:
** ''&quot;P.U.! Patrick needs to do laundry.&quot;''
** ''&quot;Another find for Patrick!&quot;''
** ''&quot;Boy, Patrick will be glad to have this back!&quot;''
* On collecting Golden Spatulas:
** ''(laughs)''
* Encountering Fodder Robot:'' &quot;Just my size!&quot;''
* Encountering Ham-Mer Robot:'' &quot;Ham, mer! Ha! I get it!&quot;''
* Encountering G-Love robot:'' &quot;Somehow, I don't think he needs a hand.&quot;''
* Encountering Tar-Tar robot:'' &quot;Tar-tar sauce! THE HORROR!&quot;''
* Encountering Monsoon robot:'' &quot;Rain, rain, go away!&quot;''
* Encountering Sleepy-Time robot:'' &quot;Time for a little sleepy sneak.&quot;''
* Encountering Tubelet robots:'' &quot;Terror in triplicate!&quot;''
* Encountering Slick robot:'' &quot;Slippery road ahead!&quot;
* When attacking a robot:'' &quot;Take that!&quot;''
* When destroying tikis:'' &quot;I love opening presents.&quot;
* On collecting Shiny Objects:
** '' &quot;Too pretty... can't take it!&quot;''
** '' &quot;Cha-ching!&quot;''
** '' &quot;Oh, sparkly!&quot;''
** '' &quot;It shines.&quot;''
* on using Bubble Bowl:
** ''&quot;Bowl-o-rama!&quot;
** ''&quot;Strrrrrr-ike!&quot;
* On using Cruise Bubble:
** ''&quot;Bubble Power!&quot;''
** ''&quot;Say hello to my little bubble friend.&quot;''
** ''&quot;SpongeBob to mission control, the launch is a go.&quot;''
** ''&quot;Comin' at ya!&quot;''
* On using SpongeBall powerup:
** ''&quot;Up for a game of SpongeBall?&quot;''
** ''&quot;Roll, roll, roll the sponge!&quot;''
* Upon getting a super-ultra-mega-monster-combo (seldomly also on smaller ones)
** ''&quot;[[Terminator (franchise)|You just met the Sponge-inator.]]&quot;''
* When getting hurt:
** ''&quot;Yow!&quot;''
** ''&quot;Ouch&quot;''
** ''&quot;Ow!&quot;''
* When entering Patrick's rock: ''&quot;Living under a rock. Now that's the life.&quot;''
* Upon entering Shady Shoals: ''&quot;Ahh, checkers! The king of non-contact sports!&quot;''
* At the Krusty Krab: ''&quot;I feel like I should be working!&quot;''
* At Sandy's Treedome:
** ''&quot;Waaaateeeer....&quot;''
** ''&quot;Wormy! Here, Wormy....&quot;''
** ''&quot;Oh, Hi Sandy!&quot;''
** ''&quot;Water would be nice.&quot;''
* When entering Squidward’s house: ''&quot;I didn’t know Squidward had a lamp!&quot;''

==Patrick Star==
* Upon getting damaged: ''&quot;You broke my rhythm, now I'm gonna break something of yours!&quot;''
* On pushing a button: '' &quot;Must... push... button! Can't... stop... self!&quot; ''
* On collecting Shiny Object: ''&quot;So shiny!&quot;''
* On collecting Purple Shiny Object: ''&quot;I'm sure gonna carry a lot of stuff around.&quot;''
* Encountering any robot ''&quot;I will crush them!&quot;''
* Encountering Ham-Mer Robot: ''&quot;I don't get it.&quot;''
* Encountering G-Love robot: ''&quot;It's kinda hypnotic.&quot;''
* Upon destroying tikis: ''&quot; Ooh, wooden presents!&quot;''
* Upon touching Thunder Tiki: ''&quot;Uh-oh! This one goes boom!&quot;
* When entering cave: ''&quot;Ooh, scary dark cave!&quot;''
* On collecting Underwear:
** ''&quot;That's better.&quot;''
** ''&quot;I don't think SpongeBob's underwear fits quite right.&quot;''
* Collecting a golden spatula: ''&quot;Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!&quot;'''
* On using Belly Slam:
** ''&quot;Cannonball!&quot;''
** ''&quot;Oof! Hey, my back feels better!&quot;''
* On picking up an object: ''&quot;Whoo! Up we go!&quot;''
* When getting hurt:
** ''&quot;Ooch!&quot;''
** ''&quot;Ouch!&quot;''
** ''&quot;Youch&quot;''

==Sandy Cheeks==
* On using her lasso:
** ''&quot;Nothing like a good ol' ropin' to get the heart pumpin'!&quot;''
** ''&quot;Whoooo-hoo!&quot;'' 
** ''&quot;Flyin' squirrel coming through!&quot;'' 
** ''&quot;Cowabunga!&quot;''
* When attacking a robot:
** ''&quot;Take that!&quot;''
** ''&quot;One less varmint!&quot;''
** ''&quot;That's for messing with Texas!&quot;''
** ''&quot;Hi-yah!&quot;''
* On collecting Shiny Object: ''&quot;The shinier, the better.&quot;''
* On collecting Purple Shiny Object: ''&quot;Someone better make good use of all these.&quot;''
* On collecting Stage Object: ''&quot;There's another one.&quot;''
* On collecting Underwear:
** ''&quot;Okay, well, that’s better.&quot;'' 
** ''&quot;Feelin' refreshed!&quot;''
** ''&quot;Ew! I can't believe I'm wearing SpongeBob's underwear!&quot;''
* On collecting one of Patrick's Lost Socks:
** ''&quot;Ew! Do I really have to carry Patrick's socks?&quot;''
** ''&quot;Well, I suppose it'll make Patrick happy.&quot;''
* Encountering any robot: ''Buzz off, you little pest!&quot;''
* Encountering G-Love robot: ''&quot;I'm gettin' dizzy just watchin'.&quot;''
* Encountering Slick robot: ''&quot;A little oil doesn't scare me. I'm from Texas!&quot;''
* Encountering Tar-Tar robot: ''&quot;Not as good as Texas' BBQ Sauce.&quot;''
* Encountering Sleepy-Time robot: ''&quot;What's so great about being quiet anyways?&quot;''
* Collecting a golden spatula:''&quot;Hi-ya!&quot;''
* When getting hurt:
** ''&quot;Gah!&quot;''
** ''&quot;Woah!&quot;''
** ''&quot;Ow!&quot;''

==Sheldon J. Plankton==
* ''[Beginning of the game]'' Today is the big day! I have devised an ingenious plan to finally steal the Krabby Patty formula! And if Bikini Bottom gets demolished in the process, oh well! ''[laughs evilly]'' With my brand new Duplicatotron 3000, I'll clone an army of robots that will wreak mayhem and destruction at my command! One more run through the checklist. Let's see. Item #1: &quot;Is Plankton a genius?&quot; Answer... yes! Okay, checklist complete. Throwin' the switch! ''[turns on the Duplicatotron 3000 and Fodder robots come out]'' Welcome, my perfectly obedient robot army! Hold on! I want to save this moment for my scrap... ''[Notices the Fodders surrounding him]'' ...Book? Hey, Hello? What do you think you're doing?! ''[Sees that he forgot to switch the Duplicatotron 3000 to &quot;Obey Plankton&quot; as the Fodders carry him off]'' Oh, no, no, no! Wait! But I'm your master! I made you! No! No! Oh My good china!!! ''[The Fodders kick him out of the Chum Bucket]'' Arggghh!

==Announcer Fish==
*When SpongeBob has an opportunity to attack boss: ''&quot;What an opening for a guy literally filled with openings!&quot;''
*When SpongeBob attacks the boss robot: ''&quot;That's the ticket!&quot;''
*''&quot;Great barrier reef!&quot;''
*''&quot;And the robot is down!&quot;''
*''&quot;That does it! SpongeBob is back in the fight!&quot;''
*''&quot;Nice move by SpongeBob! This match is just about over.&quot;''
*When SpongeBob gets hurt:
** ''&quot;Ooh! That's gotta sting!&quot;''
** ''&quot;Ooh! That was a doozy&quot;''
** ''&quot;Ooh! Close encounters of the painful kind!&quot;''
** ''&quot;Ooh! the humanity! Or should I say the fish-anity!&quot;''
** ''&quot;Ooh! I can't watch! Okay, maybe just a little.&quot;''
*When SpongeBob loses track of the boss: ''&quot;I guess SpongeBob won't be winning that way!&quot;''

==Dialogue==

*When Spongebob gives Patrick 10 socks: 
:'''Patrick''': Wow, Spongebob, you found some!
:'''SpongeBob''': Now they're back home, safe where they belong.
:'''Patrick''': ''[gives SpongeBob Golden Spatula]'' Here's your Golden backscratcher.
:'''SpongeBob''': Spatula.
:'''Patrick''': I don't speak Italian.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

*When SpongeBob trades Mr. Krabs Shiny Objects:
:'''Mr. Krabs''': So, do you want to trade Shiny Objects for a Golden Spatula?
::''[gives SpongeBob Golden Spatula]'' That's quality craftsmanship, that is. Come again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

*When Patrick drained the lake in Jellyfish Fields
:'''Mrs. Puff''': Well done, Patrick! You're a... real star! Ha, ha, ha!
:'''Patrick''': Can I get a cookie?
:'''Mrs. Puff''': No.

== External links==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:2003 video games]]
[[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants]]</text>
      <sha1>kfi0zitysffjxdkudsg8ewjv80wrv6f</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Regular Show (season 1)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>187345</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147471</id>
      <parentid>3116909</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T16:38:15Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Timmy.swartley.8</username>
        <id>3126758</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* The Power [1.1a] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="24238" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Seasons:''' [[Regular Show (season 1)|1]] [[Regular Show (season 2)|2]] [[Regular Show (season 3)|3]] [[Regular Show (season 4)|4]] [[Regular Show (season 5)|5]] [[Regular Show (season 6)|6]] [[Regular Show (season 7)|7]] [[Regular Show (season 8)|8]] | [[Regular Show: The Movie|Film]] | [[Regular Show|Main]]
----

The following is a list of quotes from the first season of ''[[Regular Show]]''.

===''The Power'' [1.1a]===
:''[First lines of the series]''
:'''Rigby''': Alright, Beef Burrito. I'm gonna give you one more chance to take back what you said about my mom! ''[A Beef Burrito doll lies silently on the floor]'' I'LL ''KILL'' YOU!!!
:''[He pats his elbow and jumps onto a trampoline, body-slamming the doll. He then elbows the doll multiple times, and body slams it once more. He picks up the doll and moves its arm, making it punch himself in the face. Behind him, Mordecai is calling to him]''
:'''Mordecai''': Tag up! Tag up!
:''[Pretending to be weakened, Rigby walks over to Mordecai and high-fives him. As Rigby drinks a soda, Mordecai pulls the Beef Burrito doll away. Rigby slams the soda can onto the ground and lets out a ferocious cry. Mordecai sets the doll up next to a bed before walking away onto the shelves]''
:'''Rigby''': What?! ''[silence]'' Oh, you want us to put the hurt on you? ''[Mordecai grabs Rigby]'' I think he wants me to put the hurt on him!
:'''Mordecai''': I think he wants you to put the hurt on him!
:'''Rigby''': You think he wants me to put the hurt on him?!
:'''Mordecai''': Yes, I do!
:''[Mordecai &amp; Rigby scream. Mordecai throws Rigby down onto the trampoline, launching him into the wall. The impact leaves a large hole in the wall and Rigby ends up in a trash can]''
:'''Rigby''': Uhhh..... ''[Stands up]'' Uuuuhhhhyyyy.... ''[Removes trash can]'' Yea-uh!! Did you see how awesome it was when I hit the trampoline?
:'''Mordecai''': Hahahaha! Yeah, I did! But it wasn't as awesome as when you punched that hole in the wall!
:''[They both begin laughing]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': I can't believe I listened to you! I knew should've gone out to do some work, but no — let's wrestle this stupid doll, it'll be fun.
:'''Rigby''': But it was fun.
:'''Mordecai''': Well, yeah, but... now there's a big hole in the wall! Dude, we're 23-years-old. We shouldn't be bustin' holes in walls, we're gonna get ''FIRED'' for this!
:'''Rigby''': You mean ''you're'' gonna get fired for this.
:'''Mordecai''': What?!
:'''Rigby''': You're the one who threw me too hard, ya hole!
:'''Mordecai''': Don't call me a hole! You're the hole! You're the one who wanted to wrestle! 
:'''Rigby''': Okay, okay! Let's not blame anyone. Now, how in the H are we gonna fix this S? ''[In reruns, the line is changed to &quot;Now, how in the heck are we gonna fix this stuff?&quot;]''
:'''Mordecai''': I dunno, man. Ugh, we can't fix it and we definitely can't pay for it, cos we don't have any money. Unless you had some money.
:'''Rigby''': No. Besides, I don't even know how much it cost to fix a hole like this. Probably a ton.
:'''Mordecai''': Exactly. Which leaves us with only one possible solution. We convince Benson to give us raises so we can afford to pay someone else to fix it.
:'''Rigby''': Dude. ''[beat]'' ..You are a ''genius''! Of course, raises!
:'''Mordecai''': Okay, dude, here's—
:'''Rigby''': Let me stop you there because I already know what you're going to say — hamboning.
:'''Mordecai''': What?
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, dude! Hamboning! We just go up to Benson and we'll be all like, &quot;We both want raises.&quot; ''[starts hamboning, but mordecai pushes him away]''
:'''Mordecai''': No, man, Stop it. We just need to ask him for a raise and just explain all the—
:'''Rigby''': No, no, no! That's not gonna work! What're ya, 65?! &quot;Excuse me, sir, can I have a raise?&quot; ''C'MON''!! I'm tellin' ya, dude! ''Hamboning~''!!
:'''Mordecai''': No...
:'''Rigby''': Hamboning will save your life someday! You'll be all like, &quot;What? You tryin' to mug me?&quot; ''[starts hamboning again and mordecai shoves him away]''
:'''Mordecai''': No!! We're not doing that. okay?! OKAY?!?!
:'''Rigby''': Fine...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': Ha-ha-ha! We did it. Yeah! Hey, that's mine!
:'''Benson''': Nope. You sent him to the moon so the least you can do is give him your keyboard. Right, Skips?
:'''Skips''': Right. (Smashes the piano.)
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': Aww!
:'''Benson''': And let's have it.
:'''Rigby''': What?
:'''Benson''': ''(Turning red) '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; THE $40 YOU TWO CONNED OUT OF ME WITH THAT STUPID KEYBOARD CRAP! I know you still got it. Now give it... back.'''  (Rigby sighs then gives Benson the two $20 notes.) (Dark Red) '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:maroon&quot;&gt; NOW CLEAN UP THIS MESS OR YOU'RE FIRED!''' Ugh, can you believe this?
:'''Skips''': No. (Door Shuts)

===''Just Set Up the Chairs'' [1.1b]===
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, how came we're always stuck with the lame jobs? Settin' up the chairs??
:'''Rigby''': ''LAAAAA~ME!!!''
:'''Benson''': I can't trust you guys with something actually important. You're always slacking off!
:'''Mordecai''': You callin' us slackers?
:'''Rigby''': Did he!? Did you!?
:'''Mordecai''': He's callin' us slackers. Look dude, we can totally set up all those chairs without slacking off.
:'''Benson''': Good. Do it then.
:'''Mordecai''': We will.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah. And then next time you'll get someone ELSE.. to set up the chairs?
:''[Benson looks at Mordecai, shrugs]''
:'''Benson''': Fine.
:'''Mordecai &amp; Rigby''': OOOOHHHHH!!!! Not settin' up the chairs next time! Not settin' up the chairs next time! UUHH!
:'''Benson''': ...Just set up the chairs...

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Benson''': '''YOU!!!'''
:'''Mordecai''': Woah! Hey Benson. Before you freak out, we totally set up those chairs.
:''[pan left to see cheering kids, Muscle Man and Hi Five Ghost seated in a moat of fire]''
:'''Muscle Man''': Wooo!! This birthday party's hot.
:'''Rigby''': So we're cool, right?
:'''Benson''': '''YOU IDIOTS!! That's the last time I entrust you with something very important, LIKE THE CHAIRS!!!'''
:''[beat.]''
:'''Mordecai &amp; Rigby''': OOOOHHHHH!!!! Not settin' up the chairs next time! Not settin' up the chairs next time!
:'''Benson''': '''But you ARE going to clean up this mess, and you can start by sweeping up the special entertainment.'''
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah, no problem!
:'''Rigby''': We got it.
:'''Mordecai''': Don't worry about us!
:'''Rigby''': ...We're gonna take a break first, right?
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah.

===''Caffeinated Concert Tickets'' [1.2a]===
:'''Mordecai''': You know, at first I thought you were cool, but now I know that you're both total losers.
:'''Rigby''': Everybody hates you!
:'''Mordecai''': Oh, and I just realized something...
:'''Translator''': What?
:'''Mordecai''': Your coffee...sucks.
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': OOOOHHHHHHH!!!!
Benson: You morons get back here and help me pickup my gumballs!

===''Death Punchies'' [1.2b]===
:'''Rigby''': Aw, what?! I wanted to be player one!
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, I'M player one. YOU'RE player two.
:'''Rigby''': I don't wanna be player two! He just digs with the sucky pickaxe. I want the one with the shovel.
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, they're exactly the same!
:'''Rigby''': Then why don't YOU be player two?
:'''Mordecai''': ''[scoffs]'' I'm not usin' that stinky pickaxe.
:'''Rigby''': HAH! SEE?!

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': We-oo! We-oo! We-oo! ''[imitating a doctor]'' Quick, doctor. Both of these buttcheeks are unrecognizable! If we want anybody to recognize this as a butt in the future, then we're gonna have to do a complete butt transplant, STAT!
:'''Rigby''': STOP TALKING!!! There was only damage to the one cheek and you know it.
:'''Mordecai''': ''[laughs]'' That's right. We used to call you the &quot;One-Cheek Wonder!&quot; Dude, I'm bringing it back.
:'''Rigby''': You better not.
:'''Muscle Man''': Is that One-Cheek Wonder? I hope he's not trying to play punchies will cheeks like those!

===''Free Cake'' [1.3a]===
:'''Rigby''': There's that chocolate cake at the snack bar!
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah...but Benson will only let you have it for free if it's your birthday.
:'''Rigby''': Who's to say it's not my birthday?
:'''Mordecai''': ...Who's to say it's not MY birthday?
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': FREE CAKE! FREE CAKE!!
:'''Benson''': It's NEITHER of your birthdays.
:'''Rigby''': Aw, man! He's killing us with that.
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': No cake....no cake....
:'''Pops''': ''{appears from inside the bushes}'' But it IS Skips' birthday!
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': FREE CAKE! FREE CAKE!!
:'''Benson''': But he's really private about it.
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': No cake....no cake....
:'''Benson''': Come to think of it, I don't think we've EVER had a party for Skips.

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Wedding Entryman''': Do you know the bride, or the groom?
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': Uhhhh...
:'''Mordecai''': The one with the cake?
:'''Wedding Entryman''': ''[quickly closes red rope to wedding]''
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': UUUUUUHH...
Benson: But if you morons are lying to me, YOU’LL BE ON DISH DUTY FOR THE NEXT MONTH!!

===''Meat Your Maker'' [1.3b]===
:'''Mordecai''': ''[puts arms up]''
:'''Rigby''': No. No, don't.
:'''Mordecai''': It's too late. ''[begins to move arms together]''
:'''Rigby''': Come on dude, don't.
:'''Mordecai''': It's already in motion.
:'''Rigby''': Well, put it out of motion!
:'''Mordecai''': ''[crosses arms]'' You pissed/ticked me off. 

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Just give it up, dude. I knew you couldn't fix it...
:'''Rigby''': Dude, I fix stuff all the time!
:'''Mordecai''': No, you don't.
:'''Rigby''': What do you mean?!
:'''Mordecai''': The cart, the shoes, the party, that other party...
:'''Rigby''': Stop right there! You know Muscle Man pushed me!
:'''Mordecai''': Muscle Man wasn't even there!!
:'''Rigby''': Fine, I'll fix it.

===''Grilled Cheese Deluxe'' [1.4a]===
:'''Benson''': What are you doing with my sandwich?!
:'''Mordecai''': What?
:'''Rigby''': Don't worry. I'll take care of this with my specialty. This isn't your sandwich. This is ''our'' sandwich.
:'''Benson''': This is your sandwich, huh? Then how come it says &quot;Benson&quot; on the BAG?!?
:'''Rigby''': Huh? It's supposed to say &quot;Rigby,&quot; but they misspelled my name wrong.
:'''Benson''': ''[goes red]'' '''STOP LYING!!!'''
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, I thought you said you bought this!
:'''Benson''': '''NO, HE DIDN'T BUY IT!!! NOW GET ''OFF'' YOUR LAZY BUTTS, AND GO GET ME ANOTHER ''GRILLED CHEESE DELUXE!!!''''' ''[furiously slams the door]''
:'''Mordecai''': ''[groans]'' You ruined our day off.
:'''Rigby:''' Ah, don’t worry, dude. The line won’t be ''that'' long.

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Benson''': Where have you been? I’ve been waiting all day! ''(Mordecai gives Benson his burned Grilled Cheese Deluxe)'' What the--What happened to my sandwich?!
:'''Rigby''': ''[rambling]'' There were spacemen...at Cheezers...and the two...we went down and...everyone wore sweatpants...even us...and then the room...with the bad stuff...but...we saved the city with your sandwich.
:'''Benson''': ''[sighs]'' Why do you ''always'' have to lie to my face?
:'''Mordecai''': We ran it over by accident.
:'''Benson''': See? Was it ''so hard'' to tell the truth...?

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:''[Jones and Barry throw Mordecai and Rigby out of their van]''
:'''Jones''': (angry) If YOU ever lie about being astronauts again, '''YOU’RE DEAD!!'''
:'''Rigby''': We Saved The City, Astro!-- ''(The astronauts throw the Cheezer's bag at Rigby and their van drives away.)''

===''The Unicorns Have Got to Go'' [1.4b]===
:'''Rigby''': If you buy that cologne, then I'm gonna lose all respect for you!
:'''Mordecai''': Good. Then we'll both have the same amount of respect for each other.

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, these guys aren't trying to help me. They're just messing with me.
:'''Rigby''': Dude, they're just partying.
:'''Mordecai''': How is this supposed to help me get the ladies?
:'''Rigby''': They got you a lady.
:''(We see a long-haired man with an open green shirt on a chair in the corner. He has stubble on his chin, a necklace, wristbands, blue jeans, and cowboy boots)''
:'''Mordecai''': That's not a lady. ''(approaches Billy, who's drinking soda with the 2nd Unicorn. He puts his hand on Billy's shoulder)'' Hey, I thought you were gonna help me with Margaret.
:'''Billy''': ''(angrily)'' Something's touching me! ''(elbows Mordecai, who flies onto the floor. The unicorns laugh)''
:'''Rigby''': Hey, bros, check this out. ''(approaches Mordecai)'' Here, let me help you up. ''(He pulls his hand away at the last second)'' Psych! Why don't you ask Margaret to help you up? Ohhhhh!
:''(The unicorns all laugh)''
:'''Mordecai''': (Looking very aggressive) You know what, Rigby? Have fun with your new friends, you jerk. Oh, and just so you know, when Benson finds out about your friends and their little hangout time, he's probably gonna fire you. Later, bro! ''(leaves)''
:'''Rigby''': ''(worried)'' Mordecai, wait. ''(the door shuts off-screen)''
:'''Jimmy''': ''(from upstairs)'' Bros! I found a trampoline!
:'''Rigby''': No! ''(runs up to his room)'' What are you doing to my bed?!
:'''Jimmy''': You sleep on this, bro?
:'''Rigby''': Get off it.
:'''Jimmy''': Right after this somersault. ''(flips in mid air and his horn rips the trampoline, falling to the floor. Rigby gasps)'' Bros, this trampoline's all over me! Help me get it off!
:''(The unicorns run in, chanting 'bros', and in a matter of seconds reduce the trampoline to torn fabric and twisted metal)''
:'''Rigby''': My bed!
:''(Billy and 3rd Unicorn are shown by the closet door)''
:'''Billy''': Hey, bro. You know this ''nerd?''
:''(They open the closet door to show Benson, bound, gagged, and suspended from a coat hook. Benson rages from behind his gag, but his words are unintelligible)''
:'''Billy''': Check this out. ''(gets some gumballs out of Benson and eats them)'' What's the matter, Rigbone? You like that nerd or something?
:'''3rd Unicorn''': ''(taps Rigby's shoulder)'' Yeah, dude. Chill out. And have a ''DRINK!'' ''(sprays him with a soda can, temporarily blinding Rigby)''
:''(In his confusion, Rigby stumbles between the unicorns, who have formed a circle with the intention of repeatedly farting on him)''

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': Hey, Skips...
:'''Rigby''': We have a problem.
:'''Skips''': Unicorns?
:'''Rigby''': How'd you know?
:'''Skips''': They peed on my lawn.

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:''(Scene cuts to daytime, with a close-up of a hand turning a valve and Water is shown flying from a hose. Benson is hosing down Mordecai and Rigby, who are screaming after getting soaked)''
:'''Benson:''' ''(angrily)'' I can't believe you idiots let those unicorns in here! You two morons had better get this mess cleaned up, or you'll wish it was '''''YOU'' DRIVING THAT CAR!!!'''
:'''Rigby:''' The unicorn one? ''(Benson sprays Rigby with the hose and Rigby falls over screaming)'' '''''COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD!!!!'''''
:'''Benson:''' ''(to Mordecai)'' '''And ''YOU!!!''''' ''(Mordecai screams, shaking in fear)'' Quit spraying that cologne! It's not gonna get you any ladies. Idiots... ''(walks away)''

===''Prank Callers'' [1.5a]===
:'''Mordecai''': ''[calls Benson]''
:'''Benson''': Hello?
:'''Mordecai''': Hey, Benson, got any books by.....Joe Mama!?
:'''Benson''': Who is this?
:''[Mordecai and Rigby laugh loudly]''
:'''Benson''': ''[from phone]'' Wherever this is coming from, I will track you down and I will find you...!
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, he's still on the phone!
:'''Rigby''': He's STILL on the phone!?
:'''Mordecai''': He's STILL ON THE PHONE!!!
:''[both convulse in fits of laughter]''

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Benson''': (bangs the door open and storms in) Hang up that phone! You think your little pranks are funny, huh? You think they're funny? Well, what do you guys think of my prank? Ring ring! Hello, what's that? Mordecai and Rigby are banned using the house phone? Okay. ''(Goes red and angrily smashes the phone) '''GOOD LUCK MAKING YOUR PRANK CALLS NOW!!!!''' (Slams the door furiously)''
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, let's use Pops' phone.

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai's Voice''': &quot;Hello?&quot;
:'''Master Prank Caller''': 'This is the Master Prank Caller telling you—'
:'''Mordecai's Voice''': &quot;Hello?&quot;
:'''Master Prank Caller''': 'I said this is the Master Prank—'
:'''Mordecai's Voice''': &quot;Hello? I-I'm sorry, I can't hear you.&quot;
:'''Master Prank Caller''': [frustrated] 'I SAID THIS IS THE MASTER PRANK CALLER—!!'
:'''Mordecai's Voice''': &quot;Hello? Hello, are you there?&quot;
:'''Master Prank Caller''': '''''RRRGH!!!''''' ''[WOOSH]'' I SAID—!!
:'''Mordecai's Voice''': &quot;Ha ha! Just kidding. You just got pranked, loser!&quot; ''[BEEP]''
:'''Master Prank Caller''': '''''NNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!'''''

===''Don'' [1.5b]===
:'''Benson''': hey you two! Quit fooling around we’re having an emergency meeting!
:'''Mordecai''': Aw what
:'''Benson''': Okay. We only have TILL 3:00 to stop the audit. Does anyone know someone who can help us? Anybody? Anybody at all?
:'''Muscle Man''': I know someone who can help...
:'''Benson''': ''[angrily]'' If you say your mom, you're fired.
:'''Muscle Man''': ''[long pause]'' My mom!
:'''Benson''': GET OUT!
:'''Muscle Man''': It was worth it. ''[he and High Five Ghost high-five and walk away]''
:'''Mordecai''': ''[thinks]'' Hmmm... Hmph. Hey! ''[looks at Rigby]'' We know someone.
:'''Rigby''': We do? ''[Mordecai raises his arms. Suddenly, Rigby knows who he's referring to]'' No! No way!
:'''Benson''': What? If you know somebody, you've got to tell me.
:'''Mordecai''': Rigby has a brother. ''[Rigby punches him in the butt]'' And he's an accountant. ''[Rigby punches him again, rapidly]''
:'''Rigby''': SHUT UP!
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, what do you have against Don?
:''[Rigby gets mad, on the verge of crying. A ripple leads us to a flashback of Rigby's sixth birthday party. Pans down from the banner to a young Rigby]''
:'''Young Rigby''': Guys, guys, guys! ''[zooms out to reveal four bored children, one of them a young Mordecai]'' Watch me blow out the candle, guys! 
:''[A door opens. Rigby's younger brother, Don, stands in the doorway. Somehow, he is taller than Rigby]''
:'''Young Don''': Hey, Rigby. Happy birthday, bro.
:'''Young Rigby''': Wha? Wha? '''I told you to stay in the basement.'''
:'''Young Don''': Oh. Sorry, Rigby. I just wanted to give you some birthday sugar.
:'''Young Rigby''': I DON'T WANT YOUR FREAKING SUGAR!
:'''Rigby's Friend 1''': I'll give you some sugar, Don.
:'''Rigby's Friend 2''': Yeah, me too. ''[giggles]''
:''[everyone but Mordecai gets up out of their seats to hug Don. Then, Mordecai follows, but Rigby tries to stop him by grabbing his arm]''
:'''Young Rigby''': DON'T YOU DARE!
:'''Young Mordecai''': I'm just getting some sugar, dude. ''[Rigby lets go of him]'' Besides, Don is cool.
:''[Mordecai goes to Don to give him sugar as everyone else laughs]''
:'''Rigby's Friend''': You're the best, Don!
:''[Young Rigby growls as ripple back to the present]''
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah. Don really made that party.
:'''Benson''': Call your brother.
:'''Rigby''': No.
:'''Benson''': ''CALL'' YOUR BROTHER!
:'''Rigby''': '''NO!''' I ''HATE'' HIM!!!
:'''Benson''': Fine! Mordecai, you call him.
:'''Rigby''': YOU BETTER NOT!
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, he could save the park.
:'''Rigby''': Dude, he could ruin my ''life!'' If he comes, I'm gonna tell him to leave!
:'''Benson''': No, you won't! You be nice to your brother  or you're FIRED! ''[to Mordecai]'' Call him.
:'''Mordecai''': ''[to Rigby]'' Dude, just be cool until he stops the audit.
:''[Rigby growls]''

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Don''': Benson, give me some sugar! ''[hugs Benson]'' Nice to meet you! ''[points to Pops]'' Hey, who's this guy?
:'''Pops''': I'm Pops!
:'''Don''': Pops, give me some sugar!
:'''Pops''': ''[runs laughing to Don and hugs him]''
:'''Don''': ''[hugs Skips]'' Don. Good to meet you. ''[to Mordecai]'' Look at this sugar shack. C'mere, guy! I haven't seen you in forever.
:'''Mordecai''': ''[hugs Don]'' Yeah, I know! It's been forever!
:'''Don''': Rigby, give me some sugar, bro!
:'''Rigby''': Don't you have taxies to do? Why don't you get to it?
:'''Don''': Oh, ha ha... he was always greedy with the sugar.
:'''Rigby''': AUGH...!! I can't wait for you to get out of my life!
:'''Don''': What, bro?
:'''Benson''': ''[mouthing angrily]'' You keep your mouth '''''shut!'''''
:'''Rigby''':  Nothing....

&lt;hr width=100%&gt; 
:'''Benson''': Where's DON?! ''[outside, Don is shown driving away, almost crying. The others run out after him]'' Don, Wait. ''[to the others]'' What happened? 
:'''Mordecai''': Rigby blew it, He wouldn't give Don sugar!
:'''Benson''': What?! '''''GO GIVE HIM SOME SUGAR!'''''
:'''Rigby''':  '''&lt;big&gt;NEVER!!!!!&lt;/big&gt;''' ''[runs away]''

===''Rigby's Body'' [1.6a]===
:'''Mordecai''': ''[groans]'' This... sucks.
:'''Rigby''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Mordecai''': It means that the next time we get to pick our job for the day, I get to pick. Why did you pick the snack bar?! This is like the worst job at the park, dude.
:'''Rigby''': I think it's the funnest job at the park.
:'''Mordecai''': You don't really think that. You just don't want to admit that you're wrong.
:'''Rigby''': Why would I admit something that I'm not?
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, seriously — this is more boring than watching you try to read a children's book.
:'''Rigby''': Is it more boring than your FACE?!
:'''Mordecai''': I don't know, is it more boring than my ''fist'' in your face?!
:'''Rigby''': Is it more boring than ''my'' fist in ''your'' face, you ''TURD''?!!
:'''Mordecai''': You're a turd!
:'''Rigby''': No, ''you're'' a turd!!
:'''Mordecai''': You're the turd!
:''[Mordecai and Rigby scuffle]''
:'''Pops''': Mordecai, Rigby! Stop! We can ''all'' be turds!
:''[...]''
:'''Mordecai &amp; Rigby''': Oh, hey Pops.

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, I'm telling you. If you keep eating like that, your body's gonna quit on you.
:'''Rigby''': Stop talking!
:'''Mordecai''': Whatever. I'm just trying to help.

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:''[at MM's and Fives' shift at the snack bar]''
:'''Muscle Man''': This...''sucks''! Wait.. what is that?
:''[a bucket on a roller blade squiggles closer and closer, at the door—]''
:'''Rigby''': GIMME SOME SNACKS!!!
:'''High Five Ghost''': What are ''you~?!''
:'''Muscle Man''': Looks like a bucket of diarrhea...
:'''Rigby''': It's me, Rigby!!
:'''Muscle Man''': Oh man! THAT BOOT WITH WHEELS STOLE RIGBY'S VOICE''!!''
:'''Rigby''': No! I didn't steal anything!
:'''Muscle Man''': You're not stealin' these voices! C'mon Fives, let's bail!! ''[runs off]''
:'''Rigby''': Come back!!
:'''Muscle Man''': No way, bro!
:'''Rigby''': It's me, Rigby!! ''[falls down]'' Aw, man!

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Skips''': Quick! Before the sun sets!
:'''Pops''': Glorious.
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, how do you feel?
:'''Rigby''': (Screaming)
:(Cut to the snack bar.)
:'''Rigby''': Well Mordecai, I guess you were right about the snack bar being lame. Especially now that we're not eating all the free snacks.
:'''Mordecai''': Oh, about that, those snacks weren't free.
:'''Rigby''': What?
:'''Mordecai''': Turns out. Only Pops gets snacks for free.
:'''Rigby''': Pops?
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah. And I guess we're supposed to work here for the next six months just to pay for it all.
:'''Rigby''': Oh, turds!

===''Mordecai and the Rigbys'' [1.6b]===
:'''Record Player''': Now, what is the first thing that all good musicians require?
:'''Mordecai''': Talent?
:'''Record Player''': Yes!...Good personal hygiene is the key to becoming a successful gentleman musician!!

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Yes, I wanna be in a band with you! Alright, but we’ve gotta have a cool band name. What do think of, &quot;Cool Dudes?&quot;
:'''Rigby''': &quot;Face Punch!&quot;
:'''Mordecai''': &quot;dude face punch sounds lame, why not AC/DC
:'''Rigby''': &quot;Helicopter Crash!&quot;
:'''Mordecai''': What about...&quot;dum-dum money eaters?&quot;
:'''Rigby''': That's it, THAT' S IT!!
:'''Mordecai''': Order the shirts! Order the shirts!

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Regular Show}}
[[Category:American television seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]
[[Category:Regular Show seasons]]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147473</id>
      <parentid>3147471</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T16:43:46Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Timmy.swartley.8</username>
        <id>3126758</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Just Set Up the Chairs [1.1b] */</comment>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="24313" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Seasons:''' [[Regular Show (season 1)|1]] [[Regular Show (season 2)|2]] [[Regular Show (season 3)|3]] [[Regular Show (season 4)|4]] [[Regular Show (season 5)|5]] [[Regular Show (season 6)|6]] [[Regular Show (season 7)|7]] [[Regular Show (season 8)|8]] | [[Regular Show: The Movie|Film]] | [[Regular Show|Main]]
----

The following is a list of quotes from the first season of ''[[Regular Show]]''.

===''The Power'' [1.1a]===
:''[First lines of the series]''
:'''Rigby''': Alright, Beef Burrito. I'm gonna give you one more chance to take back what you said about my mom! ''[A Beef Burrito doll lies silently on the floor]'' I'LL ''KILL'' YOU!!!
:''[He pats his elbow and jumps onto a trampoline, body-slamming the doll. He then elbows the doll multiple times, and body slams it once more. He picks up the doll and moves its arm, making it punch himself in the face. Behind him, Mordecai is calling to him]''
:'''Mordecai''': Tag up! Tag up!
:''[Pretending to be weakened, Rigby walks over to Mordecai and high-fives him. As Rigby drinks a soda, Mordecai pulls the Beef Burrito doll away. Rigby slams the soda can onto the ground and lets out a ferocious cry. Mordecai sets the doll up next to a bed before walking away onto the shelves]''
:'''Rigby''': What?! ''[silence]'' Oh, you want us to put the hurt on you? ''[Mordecai grabs Rigby]'' I think he wants me to put the hurt on him!
:'''Mordecai''': I think he wants you to put the hurt on him!
:'''Rigby''': You think he wants me to put the hurt on him?!
:'''Mordecai''': Yes, I do!
:''[Mordecai &amp; Rigby scream. Mordecai throws Rigby down onto the trampoline, launching him into the wall. The impact leaves a large hole in the wall and Rigby ends up in a trash can]''
:'''Rigby''': Uhhh..... ''[Stands up]'' Uuuuhhhhyyyy.... ''[Removes trash can]'' Yea-uh!! Did you see how awesome it was when I hit the trampoline?
:'''Mordecai''': Hahahaha! Yeah, I did! But it wasn't as awesome as when you punched that hole in the wall!
:''[They both begin laughing]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': I can't believe I listened to you! I knew should've gone out to do some work, but no — let's wrestle this stupid doll, it'll be fun.
:'''Rigby''': But it was fun.
:'''Mordecai''': Well, yeah, but... now there's a big hole in the wall! Dude, we're 23-years-old. We shouldn't be bustin' holes in walls, we're gonna get ''FIRED'' for this!
:'''Rigby''': You mean ''you're'' gonna get fired for this.
:'''Mordecai''': What?!
:'''Rigby''': You're the one who threw me too hard, ya hole!
:'''Mordecai''': Don't call me a hole! You're the hole! You're the one who wanted to wrestle! 
:'''Rigby''': Okay, okay! Let's not blame anyone. Now, how in the H are we gonna fix this S? ''[In reruns, the line is changed to &quot;Now, how in the heck are we gonna fix this stuff?&quot;]''
:'''Mordecai''': I dunno, man. Ugh, we can't fix it and we definitely can't pay for it, cos we don't have any money. Unless you had some money.
:'''Rigby''': No. Besides, I don't even know how much it cost to fix a hole like this. Probably a ton.
:'''Mordecai''': Exactly. Which leaves us with only one possible solution. We convince Benson to give us raises so we can afford to pay someone else to fix it.
:'''Rigby''': Dude. ''[beat]'' ..You are a ''genius''! Of course, raises!
:'''Mordecai''': Okay, dude, here's—
:'''Rigby''': Let me stop you there because I already know what you're going to say — hamboning.
:'''Mordecai''': What?
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, dude! Hamboning! We just go up to Benson and we'll be all like, &quot;We both want raises.&quot; ''[starts hamboning, but mordecai pushes him away]''
:'''Mordecai''': No, man, Stop it. We just need to ask him for a raise and just explain all the—
:'''Rigby''': No, no, no! That's not gonna work! What're ya, 65?! &quot;Excuse me, sir, can I have a raise?&quot; ''C'MON''!! I'm tellin' ya, dude! ''Hamboning~''!!
:'''Mordecai''': No...
:'''Rigby''': Hamboning will save your life someday! You'll be all like, &quot;What? You tryin' to mug me?&quot; ''[starts hamboning again and mordecai shoves him away]''
:'''Mordecai''': No!! We're not doing that. okay?! OKAY?!?!
:'''Rigby''': Fine...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': Ha-ha-ha! We did it. Yeah! Hey, that's mine!
:'''Benson''': Nope. You sent him to the moon so the least you can do is give him your keyboard. Right, Skips?
:'''Skips''': Right. (Smashes the piano.)
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': Aww!
:'''Benson''': And let's have it.
:'''Rigby''': What?
:'''Benson''': ''(Turning red) '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; THE $40 YOU TWO CONNED OUT OF ME WITH THAT STUPID KEYBOARD CRAP! I know you still got it. Now give it... back.'''  (Rigby sighs then gives Benson the two $20 notes.) (Dark Red) '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:maroon&quot;&gt; NOW CLEAN UP THIS MESS OR YOU'RE FIRED!''' Ugh, can you believe this?
:'''Skips''': No. (Door Shuts)

===''Just Set Up the Chairs'' [1.1b]===
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, how came we're always stuck with the lame jobs? Settin' up the chairs??
:'''Rigby''': ''LAAAAA~ME!!!''
:'''Benson''': I can't trust you guys with something actually important. You're always slacking off!
:'''Mordecai''': You callin' us slackers?
:'''Rigby''': Did he!? Did you!?
:'''Mordecai''': He's callin' us slackers. Look dude, we can totally set up all those chairs without slacking off.
:'''Benson''': Good. Do it then.
:'''Mordecai''': We will.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah. And then next time you'll get someone ELSE.. to set up the chairs?
:''[Benson looks at Mordecai, shrugs]''
:'''Benson''': Fine.
:'''Mordecai &amp; Rigby''': OOOOHHHHH!!!! Not settin' up the chairs next time! Not settin' up the chairs next time! UUHH!
:'''Benson''': ...Just set up the chairs...

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Benson''': '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; YOU!!!'''
:'''Mordecai''': Woah! Hey Benson. Before you freak out, we totally set up those chairs.
:''[pan left to see cheering kids, Muscle Man and Hi Five Ghost seated in a moat of fire]''
:'''Muscle Man''': Wooo!! This birthday party's hot.
:'''Rigby''': So we're cool, right?
:'''Benson''': '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; YOU IDIOTS!! That's the last time I entrust you with something very important, LIKE THE CHAIRS!!!'''
:''[beat.]''
:'''Mordecai &amp; Rigby''': OOOOHHHHH!!!! Not settin' up the chairs next time! Not settin' up the chairs next time!
:'''Benson''': '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; But you ARE going to clean up this mess, and you can start by sweeping up the special entertainment.'''
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah, no problem!
:'''Rigby''': We got it.
:'''Mordecai''': Don't worry about us!
:'''Rigby''': ...We're gonna take a break first, right?
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah.

===''Caffeinated Concert Tickets'' [1.2a]===
:'''Mordecai''': You know, at first I thought you were cool, but now I know that you're both total losers.
:'''Rigby''': Everybody hates you!
:'''Mordecai''': Oh, and I just realized something...
:'''Translator''': What?
:'''Mordecai''': Your coffee...sucks.
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': OOOOHHHHHHH!!!!
Benson: You morons get back here and help me pickup my gumballs!

===''Death Punchies'' [1.2b]===
:'''Rigby''': Aw, what?! I wanted to be player one!
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, I'M player one. YOU'RE player two.
:'''Rigby''': I don't wanna be player two! He just digs with the sucky pickaxe. I want the one with the shovel.
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, they're exactly the same!
:'''Rigby''': Then why don't YOU be player two?
:'''Mordecai''': ''[scoffs]'' I'm not usin' that stinky pickaxe.
:'''Rigby''': HAH! SEE?!

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': We-oo! We-oo! We-oo! ''[imitating a doctor]'' Quick, doctor. Both of these buttcheeks are unrecognizable! If we want anybody to recognize this as a butt in the future, then we're gonna have to do a complete butt transplant, STAT!
:'''Rigby''': STOP TALKING!!! There was only damage to the one cheek and you know it.
:'''Mordecai''': ''[laughs]'' That's right. We used to call you the &quot;One-Cheek Wonder!&quot; Dude, I'm bringing it back.
:'''Rigby''': You better not.
:'''Muscle Man''': Is that One-Cheek Wonder? I hope he's not trying to play punchies will cheeks like those!

===''Free Cake'' [1.3a]===
:'''Rigby''': There's that chocolate cake at the snack bar!
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah...but Benson will only let you have it for free if it's your birthday.
:'''Rigby''': Who's to say it's not my birthday?
:'''Mordecai''': ...Who's to say it's not MY birthday?
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': FREE CAKE! FREE CAKE!!
:'''Benson''': It's NEITHER of your birthdays.
:'''Rigby''': Aw, man! He's killing us with that.
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': No cake....no cake....
:'''Pops''': ''{appears from inside the bushes}'' But it IS Skips' birthday!
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': FREE CAKE! FREE CAKE!!
:'''Benson''': But he's really private about it.
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': No cake....no cake....
:'''Benson''': Come to think of it, I don't think we've EVER had a party for Skips.

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Wedding Entryman''': Do you know the bride, or the groom?
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': Uhhhh...
:'''Mordecai''': The one with the cake?
:'''Wedding Entryman''': ''[quickly closes red rope to wedding]''
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': UUUUUUHH...
Benson: But if you morons are lying to me, YOU’LL BE ON DISH DUTY FOR THE NEXT MONTH!!

===''Meat Your Maker'' [1.3b]===
:'''Mordecai''': ''[puts arms up]''
:'''Rigby''': No. No, don't.
:'''Mordecai''': It's too late. ''[begins to move arms together]''
:'''Rigby''': Come on dude, don't.
:'''Mordecai''': It's already in motion.
:'''Rigby''': Well, put it out of motion!
:'''Mordecai''': ''[crosses arms]'' You pissed/ticked me off. 

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Just give it up, dude. I knew you couldn't fix it...
:'''Rigby''': Dude, I fix stuff all the time!
:'''Mordecai''': No, you don't.
:'''Rigby''': What do you mean?!
:'''Mordecai''': The cart, the shoes, the party, that other party...
:'''Rigby''': Stop right there! You know Muscle Man pushed me!
:'''Mordecai''': Muscle Man wasn't even there!!
:'''Rigby''': Fine, I'll fix it.

===''Grilled Cheese Deluxe'' [1.4a]===
:'''Benson''': What are you doing with my sandwich?!
:'''Mordecai''': What?
:'''Rigby''': Don't worry. I'll take care of this with my specialty. This isn't your sandwich. This is ''our'' sandwich.
:'''Benson''': This is your sandwich, huh? Then how come it says &quot;Benson&quot; on the BAG?!?
:'''Rigby''': Huh? It's supposed to say &quot;Rigby,&quot; but they misspelled my name wrong.
:'''Benson''': ''[goes red]'' '''STOP LYING!!!'''
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, I thought you said you bought this!
:'''Benson''': '''NO, HE DIDN'T BUY IT!!! NOW GET ''OFF'' YOUR LAZY BUTTS, AND GO GET ME ANOTHER ''GRILLED CHEESE DELUXE!!!''''' ''[furiously slams the door]''
:'''Mordecai''': ''[groans]'' You ruined our day off.
:'''Rigby:''' Ah, don’t worry, dude. The line won’t be ''that'' long.

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Benson''': Where have you been? I’ve been waiting all day! ''(Mordecai gives Benson his burned Grilled Cheese Deluxe)'' What the--What happened to my sandwich?!
:'''Rigby''': ''[rambling]'' There were spacemen...at Cheezers...and the two...we went down and...everyone wore sweatpants...even us...and then the room...with the bad stuff...but...we saved the city with your sandwich.
:'''Benson''': ''[sighs]'' Why do you ''always'' have to lie to my face?
:'''Mordecai''': We ran it over by accident.
:'''Benson''': See? Was it ''so hard'' to tell the truth...?

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:''[Jones and Barry throw Mordecai and Rigby out of their van]''
:'''Jones''': (angry) If YOU ever lie about being astronauts again, '''YOU’RE DEAD!!'''
:'''Rigby''': We Saved The City, Astro!-- ''(The astronauts throw the Cheezer's bag at Rigby and their van drives away.)''

===''The Unicorns Have Got to Go'' [1.4b]===
:'''Rigby''': If you buy that cologne, then I'm gonna lose all respect for you!
:'''Mordecai''': Good. Then we'll both have the same amount of respect for each other.

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, these guys aren't trying to help me. They're just messing with me.
:'''Rigby''': Dude, they're just partying.
:'''Mordecai''': How is this supposed to help me get the ladies?
:'''Rigby''': They got you a lady.
:''(We see a long-haired man with an open green shirt on a chair in the corner. He has stubble on his chin, a necklace, wristbands, blue jeans, and cowboy boots)''
:'''Mordecai''': That's not a lady. ''(approaches Billy, who's drinking soda with the 2nd Unicorn. He puts his hand on Billy's shoulder)'' Hey, I thought you were gonna help me with Margaret.
:'''Billy''': ''(angrily)'' Something's touching me! ''(elbows Mordecai, who flies onto the floor. The unicorns laugh)''
:'''Rigby''': Hey, bros, check this out. ''(approaches Mordecai)'' Here, let me help you up. ''(He pulls his hand away at the last second)'' Psych! Why don't you ask Margaret to help you up? Ohhhhh!
:''(The unicorns all laugh)''
:'''Mordecai''': (Looking very aggressive) You know what, Rigby? Have fun with your new friends, you jerk. Oh, and just so you know, when Benson finds out about your friends and their little hangout time, he's probably gonna fire you. Later, bro! ''(leaves)''
:'''Rigby''': ''(worried)'' Mordecai, wait. ''(the door shuts off-screen)''
:'''Jimmy''': ''(from upstairs)'' Bros! I found a trampoline!
:'''Rigby''': No! ''(runs up to his room)'' What are you doing to my bed?!
:'''Jimmy''': You sleep on this, bro?
:'''Rigby''': Get off it.
:'''Jimmy''': Right after this somersault. ''(flips in mid air and his horn rips the trampoline, falling to the floor. Rigby gasps)'' Bros, this trampoline's all over me! Help me get it off!
:''(The unicorns run in, chanting 'bros', and in a matter of seconds reduce the trampoline to torn fabric and twisted metal)''
:'''Rigby''': My bed!
:''(Billy and 3rd Unicorn are shown by the closet door)''
:'''Billy''': Hey, bro. You know this ''nerd?''
:''(They open the closet door to show Benson, bound, gagged, and suspended from a coat hook. Benson rages from behind his gag, but his words are unintelligible)''
:'''Billy''': Check this out. ''(gets some gumballs out of Benson and eats them)'' What's the matter, Rigbone? You like that nerd or something?
:'''3rd Unicorn''': ''(taps Rigby's shoulder)'' Yeah, dude. Chill out. And have a ''DRINK!'' ''(sprays him with a soda can, temporarily blinding Rigby)''
:''(In his confusion, Rigby stumbles between the unicorns, who have formed a circle with the intention of repeatedly farting on him)''

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': Hey, Skips...
:'''Rigby''': We have a problem.
:'''Skips''': Unicorns?
:'''Rigby''': How'd you know?
:'''Skips''': They peed on my lawn.

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:''(Scene cuts to daytime, with a close-up of a hand turning a valve and Water is shown flying from a hose. Benson is hosing down Mordecai and Rigby, who are screaming after getting soaked)''
:'''Benson:''' ''(angrily)'' I can't believe you idiots let those unicorns in here! You two morons had better get this mess cleaned up, or you'll wish it was '''''YOU'' DRIVING THAT CAR!!!'''
:'''Rigby:''' The unicorn one? ''(Benson sprays Rigby with the hose and Rigby falls over screaming)'' '''''COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD!!!!'''''
:'''Benson:''' ''(to Mordecai)'' '''And ''YOU!!!''''' ''(Mordecai screams, shaking in fear)'' Quit spraying that cologne! It's not gonna get you any ladies. Idiots... ''(walks away)''

===''Prank Callers'' [1.5a]===
:'''Mordecai''': ''[calls Benson]''
:'''Benson''': Hello?
:'''Mordecai''': Hey, Benson, got any books by.....Joe Mama!?
:'''Benson''': Who is this?
:''[Mordecai and Rigby laugh loudly]''
:'''Benson''': ''[from phone]'' Wherever this is coming from, I will track you down and I will find you...!
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, he's still on the phone!
:'''Rigby''': He's STILL on the phone!?
:'''Mordecai''': He's STILL ON THE PHONE!!!
:''[both convulse in fits of laughter]''

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Benson''': (bangs the door open and storms in) Hang up that phone! You think your little pranks are funny, huh? You think they're funny? Well, what do you guys think of my prank? Ring ring! Hello, what's that? Mordecai and Rigby are banned using the house phone? Okay. ''(Goes red and angrily smashes the phone) '''GOOD LUCK MAKING YOUR PRANK CALLS NOW!!!!''' (Slams the door furiously)''
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, let's use Pops' phone.

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai's Voice''': &quot;Hello?&quot;
:'''Master Prank Caller''': 'This is the Master Prank Caller telling you—'
:'''Mordecai's Voice''': &quot;Hello?&quot;
:'''Master Prank Caller''': 'I said this is the Master Prank—'
:'''Mordecai's Voice''': &quot;Hello? I-I'm sorry, I can't hear you.&quot;
:'''Master Prank Caller''': [frustrated] 'I SAID THIS IS THE MASTER PRANK CALLER—!!'
:'''Mordecai's Voice''': &quot;Hello? Hello, are you there?&quot;
:'''Master Prank Caller''': '''''RRRGH!!!''''' ''[WOOSH]'' I SAID—!!
:'''Mordecai's Voice''': &quot;Ha ha! Just kidding. You just got pranked, loser!&quot; ''[BEEP]''
:'''Master Prank Caller''': '''''NNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!'''''

===''Don'' [1.5b]===
:'''Benson''': hey you two! Quit fooling around we’re having an emergency meeting!
:'''Mordecai''': Aw what
:'''Benson''': Okay. We only have TILL 3:00 to stop the audit. Does anyone know someone who can help us? Anybody? Anybody at all?
:'''Muscle Man''': I know someone who can help...
:'''Benson''': ''[angrily]'' If you say your mom, you're fired.
:'''Muscle Man''': ''[long pause]'' My mom!
:'''Benson''': GET OUT!
:'''Muscle Man''': It was worth it. ''[he and High Five Ghost high-five and walk away]''
:'''Mordecai''': ''[thinks]'' Hmmm... Hmph. Hey! ''[looks at Rigby]'' We know someone.
:'''Rigby''': We do? ''[Mordecai raises his arms. Suddenly, Rigby knows who he's referring to]'' No! No way!
:'''Benson''': What? If you know somebody, you've got to tell me.
:'''Mordecai''': Rigby has a brother. ''[Rigby punches him in the butt]'' And he's an accountant. ''[Rigby punches him again, rapidly]''
:'''Rigby''': SHUT UP!
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, what do you have against Don?
:''[Rigby gets mad, on the verge of crying. A ripple leads us to a flashback of Rigby's sixth birthday party. Pans down from the banner to a young Rigby]''
:'''Young Rigby''': Guys, guys, guys! ''[zooms out to reveal four bored children, one of them a young Mordecai]'' Watch me blow out the candle, guys! 
:''[A door opens. Rigby's younger brother, Don, stands in the doorway. Somehow, he is taller than Rigby]''
:'''Young Don''': Hey, Rigby. Happy birthday, bro.
:'''Young Rigby''': Wha? Wha? '''I told you to stay in the basement.'''
:'''Young Don''': Oh. Sorry, Rigby. I just wanted to give you some birthday sugar.
:'''Young Rigby''': I DON'T WANT YOUR FREAKING SUGAR!
:'''Rigby's Friend 1''': I'll give you some sugar, Don.
:'''Rigby's Friend 2''': Yeah, me too. ''[giggles]''
:''[everyone but Mordecai gets up out of their seats to hug Don. Then, Mordecai follows, but Rigby tries to stop him by grabbing his arm]''
:'''Young Rigby''': DON'T YOU DARE!
:'''Young Mordecai''': I'm just getting some sugar, dude. ''[Rigby lets go of him]'' Besides, Don is cool.
:''[Mordecai goes to Don to give him sugar as everyone else laughs]''
:'''Rigby's Friend''': You're the best, Don!
:''[Young Rigby growls as ripple back to the present]''
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah. Don really made that party.
:'''Benson''': Call your brother.
:'''Rigby''': No.
:'''Benson''': ''CALL'' YOUR BROTHER!
:'''Rigby''': '''NO!''' I ''HATE'' HIM!!!
:'''Benson''': Fine! Mordecai, you call him.
:'''Rigby''': YOU BETTER NOT!
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, he could save the park.
:'''Rigby''': Dude, he could ruin my ''life!'' If he comes, I'm gonna tell him to leave!
:'''Benson''': No, you won't! You be nice to your brother  or you're FIRED! ''[to Mordecai]'' Call him.
:'''Mordecai''': ''[to Rigby]'' Dude, just be cool until he stops the audit.
:''[Rigby growls]''

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Don''': Benson, give me some sugar! ''[hugs Benson]'' Nice to meet you! ''[points to Pops]'' Hey, who's this guy?
:'''Pops''': I'm Pops!
:'''Don''': Pops, give me some sugar!
:'''Pops''': ''[runs laughing to Don and hugs him]''
:'''Don''': ''[hugs Skips]'' Don. Good to meet you. ''[to Mordecai]'' Look at this sugar shack. C'mere, guy! I haven't seen you in forever.
:'''Mordecai''': ''[hugs Don]'' Yeah, I know! It's been forever!
:'''Don''': Rigby, give me some sugar, bro!
:'''Rigby''': Don't you have taxies to do? Why don't you get to it?
:'''Don''': Oh, ha ha... he was always greedy with the sugar.
:'''Rigby''': AUGH...!! I can't wait for you to get out of my life!
:'''Don''': What, bro?
:'''Benson''': ''[mouthing angrily]'' You keep your mouth '''''shut!'''''
:'''Rigby''':  Nothing....

&lt;hr width=100%&gt; 
:'''Benson''': Where's DON?! ''[outside, Don is shown driving away, almost crying. The others run out after him]'' Don, Wait. ''[to the others]'' What happened? 
:'''Mordecai''': Rigby blew it, He wouldn't give Don sugar!
:'''Benson''': What?! '''''GO GIVE HIM SOME SUGAR!'''''
:'''Rigby''':  '''&lt;big&gt;NEVER!!!!!&lt;/big&gt;''' ''[runs away]''

===''Rigby's Body'' [1.6a]===
:'''Mordecai''': ''[groans]'' This... sucks.
:'''Rigby''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Mordecai''': It means that the next time we get to pick our job for the day, I get to pick. Why did you pick the snack bar?! This is like the worst job at the park, dude.
:'''Rigby''': I think it's the funnest job at the park.
:'''Mordecai''': You don't really think that. You just don't want to admit that you're wrong.
:'''Rigby''': Why would I admit something that I'm not?
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, seriously — this is more boring than watching you try to read a children's book.
:'''Rigby''': Is it more boring than your FACE?!
:'''Mordecai''': I don't know, is it more boring than my ''fist'' in your face?!
:'''Rigby''': Is it more boring than ''my'' fist in ''your'' face, you ''TURD''?!!
:'''Mordecai''': You're a turd!
:'''Rigby''': No, ''you're'' a turd!!
:'''Mordecai''': You're the turd!
:''[Mordecai and Rigby scuffle]''
:'''Pops''': Mordecai, Rigby! Stop! We can ''all'' be turds!
:''[...]''
:'''Mordecai &amp; Rigby''': Oh, hey Pops.

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, I'm telling you. If you keep eating like that, your body's gonna quit on you.
:'''Rigby''': Stop talking!
:'''Mordecai''': Whatever. I'm just trying to help.

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:''[at MM's and Fives' shift at the snack bar]''
:'''Muscle Man''': This...''sucks''! Wait.. what is that?
:''[a bucket on a roller blade squiggles closer and closer, at the door—]''
:'''Rigby''': GIMME SOME SNACKS!!!
:'''High Five Ghost''': What are ''you~?!''
:'''Muscle Man''': Looks like a bucket of diarrhea...
:'''Rigby''': It's me, Rigby!!
:'''Muscle Man''': Oh man! THAT BOOT WITH WHEELS STOLE RIGBY'S VOICE''!!''
:'''Rigby''': No! I didn't steal anything!
:'''Muscle Man''': You're not stealin' these voices! C'mon Fives, let's bail!! ''[runs off]''
:'''Rigby''': Come back!!
:'''Muscle Man''': No way, bro!
:'''Rigby''': It's me, Rigby!! ''[falls down]'' Aw, man!

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Skips''': Quick! Before the sun sets!
:'''Pops''': Glorious.
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, how do you feel?
:'''Rigby''': (Screaming)
:(Cut to the snack bar.)
:'''Rigby''': Well Mordecai, I guess you were right about the snack bar being lame. Especially now that we're not eating all the free snacks.
:'''Mordecai''': Oh, about that, those snacks weren't free.
:'''Rigby''': What?
:'''Mordecai''': Turns out. Only Pops gets snacks for free.
:'''Rigby''': Pops?
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah. And I guess we're supposed to work here for the next six months just to pay for it all.
:'''Rigby''': Oh, turds!

===''Mordecai and the Rigbys'' [1.6b]===
:'''Record Player''': Now, what is the first thing that all good musicians require?
:'''Mordecai''': Talent?
:'''Record Player''': Yes!...Good personal hygiene is the key to becoming a successful gentleman musician!!

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Yes, I wanna be in a band with you! Alright, but we’ve gotta have a cool band name. What do think of, &quot;Cool Dudes?&quot;
:'''Rigby''': &quot;Face Punch!&quot;
:'''Mordecai''': &quot;dude face punch sounds lame, why not AC/DC
:'''Rigby''': &quot;Helicopter Crash!&quot;
:'''Mordecai''': What about...&quot;dum-dum money eaters?&quot;
:'''Rigby''': That's it, THAT' S IT!!
:'''Mordecai''': Order the shirts! Order the shirts!

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Regular Show}}
[[Category:American television seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]
[[Category:Regular Show seasons]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3147476</id>
      <parentid>3147473</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T16:44:32Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Timmy.swartley.8</username>
        <id>3126758</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Grilled Cheese Deluxe [1.4a] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="24363" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Seasons:''' [[Regular Show (season 1)|1]] [[Regular Show (season 2)|2]] [[Regular Show (season 3)|3]] [[Regular Show (season 4)|4]] [[Regular Show (season 5)|5]] [[Regular Show (season 6)|6]] [[Regular Show (season 7)|7]] [[Regular Show (season 8)|8]] | [[Regular Show: The Movie|Film]] | [[Regular Show|Main]]
----

The following is a list of quotes from the first season of ''[[Regular Show]]''.

===''The Power'' [1.1a]===
:''[First lines of the series]''
:'''Rigby''': Alright, Beef Burrito. I'm gonna give you one more chance to take back what you said about my mom! ''[A Beef Burrito doll lies silently on the floor]'' I'LL ''KILL'' YOU!!!
:''[He pats his elbow and jumps onto a trampoline, body-slamming the doll. He then elbows the doll multiple times, and body slams it once more. He picks up the doll and moves its arm, making it punch himself in the face. Behind him, Mordecai is calling to him]''
:'''Mordecai''': Tag up! Tag up!
:''[Pretending to be weakened, Rigby walks over to Mordecai and high-fives him. As Rigby drinks a soda, Mordecai pulls the Beef Burrito doll away. Rigby slams the soda can onto the ground and lets out a ferocious cry. Mordecai sets the doll up next to a bed before walking away onto the shelves]''
:'''Rigby''': What?! ''[silence]'' Oh, you want us to put the hurt on you? ''[Mordecai grabs Rigby]'' I think he wants me to put the hurt on him!
:'''Mordecai''': I think he wants you to put the hurt on him!
:'''Rigby''': You think he wants me to put the hurt on him?!
:'''Mordecai''': Yes, I do!
:''[Mordecai &amp; Rigby scream. Mordecai throws Rigby down onto the trampoline, launching him into the wall. The impact leaves a large hole in the wall and Rigby ends up in a trash can]''
:'''Rigby''': Uhhh..... ''[Stands up]'' Uuuuhhhhyyyy.... ''[Removes trash can]'' Yea-uh!! Did you see how awesome it was when I hit the trampoline?
:'''Mordecai''': Hahahaha! Yeah, I did! But it wasn't as awesome as when you punched that hole in the wall!
:''[They both begin laughing]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': I can't believe I listened to you! I knew should've gone out to do some work, but no — let's wrestle this stupid doll, it'll be fun.
:'''Rigby''': But it was fun.
:'''Mordecai''': Well, yeah, but... now there's a big hole in the wall! Dude, we're 23-years-old. We shouldn't be bustin' holes in walls, we're gonna get ''FIRED'' for this!
:'''Rigby''': You mean ''you're'' gonna get fired for this.
:'''Mordecai''': What?!
:'''Rigby''': You're the one who threw me too hard, ya hole!
:'''Mordecai''': Don't call me a hole! You're the hole! You're the one who wanted to wrestle! 
:'''Rigby''': Okay, okay! Let's not blame anyone. Now, how in the H are we gonna fix this S? ''[In reruns, the line is changed to &quot;Now, how in the heck are we gonna fix this stuff?&quot;]''
:'''Mordecai''': I dunno, man. Ugh, we can't fix it and we definitely can't pay for it, cos we don't have any money. Unless you had some money.
:'''Rigby''': No. Besides, I don't even know how much it cost to fix a hole like this. Probably a ton.
:'''Mordecai''': Exactly. Which leaves us with only one possible solution. We convince Benson to give us raises so we can afford to pay someone else to fix it.
:'''Rigby''': Dude. ''[beat]'' ..You are a ''genius''! Of course, raises!
:'''Mordecai''': Okay, dude, here's—
:'''Rigby''': Let me stop you there because I already know what you're going to say — hamboning.
:'''Mordecai''': What?
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, dude! Hamboning! We just go up to Benson and we'll be all like, &quot;We both want raises.&quot; ''[starts hamboning, but mordecai pushes him away]''
:'''Mordecai''': No, man, Stop it. We just need to ask him for a raise and just explain all the—
:'''Rigby''': No, no, no! That's not gonna work! What're ya, 65?! &quot;Excuse me, sir, can I have a raise?&quot; ''C'MON''!! I'm tellin' ya, dude! ''Hamboning~''!!
:'''Mordecai''': No...
:'''Rigby''': Hamboning will save your life someday! You'll be all like, &quot;What? You tryin' to mug me?&quot; ''[starts hamboning again and mordecai shoves him away]''
:'''Mordecai''': No!! We're not doing that. okay?! OKAY?!?!
:'''Rigby''': Fine...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': Ha-ha-ha! We did it. Yeah! Hey, that's mine!
:'''Benson''': Nope. You sent him to the moon so the least you can do is give him your keyboard. Right, Skips?
:'''Skips''': Right. (Smashes the piano.)
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': Aww!
:'''Benson''': And let's have it.
:'''Rigby''': What?
:'''Benson''': ''(Turning red) '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; THE $40 YOU TWO CONNED OUT OF ME WITH THAT STUPID KEYBOARD CRAP! I know you still got it. Now give it... back.'''  (Rigby sighs then gives Benson the two $20 notes.) (Dark Red) '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:maroon&quot;&gt; NOW CLEAN UP THIS MESS OR YOU'RE FIRED!''' Ugh, can you believe this?
:'''Skips''': No. (Door Shuts)

===''Just Set Up the Chairs'' [1.1b]===
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, how came we're always stuck with the lame jobs? Settin' up the chairs??
:'''Rigby''': ''LAAAAA~ME!!!''
:'''Benson''': I can't trust you guys with something actually important. You're always slacking off!
:'''Mordecai''': You callin' us slackers?
:'''Rigby''': Did he!? Did you!?
:'''Mordecai''': He's callin' us slackers. Look dude, we can totally set up all those chairs without slacking off.
:'''Benson''': Good. Do it then.
:'''Mordecai''': We will.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah. And then next time you'll get someone ELSE.. to set up the chairs?
:''[Benson looks at Mordecai, shrugs]''
:'''Benson''': Fine.
:'''Mordecai &amp; Rigby''': OOOOHHHHH!!!! Not settin' up the chairs next time! Not settin' up the chairs next time! UUHH!
:'''Benson''': ...Just set up the chairs...

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Benson''': '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; YOU!!!'''
:'''Mordecai''': Woah! Hey Benson. Before you freak out, we totally set up those chairs.
:''[pan left to see cheering kids, Muscle Man and Hi Five Ghost seated in a moat of fire]''
:'''Muscle Man''': Wooo!! This birthday party's hot.
:'''Rigby''': So we're cool, right?
:'''Benson''': '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; YOU IDIOTS!! That's the last time I entrust you with something very important, LIKE THE CHAIRS!!!'''
:''[beat.]''
:'''Mordecai &amp; Rigby''': OOOOHHHHH!!!! Not settin' up the chairs next time! Not settin' up the chairs next time!
:'''Benson''': '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; But you ARE going to clean up this mess, and you can start by sweeping up the special entertainment.'''
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah, no problem!
:'''Rigby''': We got it.
:'''Mordecai''': Don't worry about us!
:'''Rigby''': ...We're gonna take a break first, right?
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah.

===''Caffeinated Concert Tickets'' [1.2a]===
:'''Mordecai''': You know, at first I thought you were cool, but now I know that you're both total losers.
:'''Rigby''': Everybody hates you!
:'''Mordecai''': Oh, and I just realized something...
:'''Translator''': What?
:'''Mordecai''': Your coffee...sucks.
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': OOOOHHHHHHH!!!!
Benson: You morons get back here and help me pickup my gumballs!

===''Death Punchies'' [1.2b]===
:'''Rigby''': Aw, what?! I wanted to be player one!
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, I'M player one. YOU'RE player two.
:'''Rigby''': I don't wanna be player two! He just digs with the sucky pickaxe. I want the one with the shovel.
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, they're exactly the same!
:'''Rigby''': Then why don't YOU be player two?
:'''Mordecai''': ''[scoffs]'' I'm not usin' that stinky pickaxe.
:'''Rigby''': HAH! SEE?!

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': We-oo! We-oo! We-oo! ''[imitating a doctor]'' Quick, doctor. Both of these buttcheeks are unrecognizable! If we want anybody to recognize this as a butt in the future, then we're gonna have to do a complete butt transplant, STAT!
:'''Rigby''': STOP TALKING!!! There was only damage to the one cheek and you know it.
:'''Mordecai''': ''[laughs]'' That's right. We used to call you the &quot;One-Cheek Wonder!&quot; Dude, I'm bringing it back.
:'''Rigby''': You better not.
:'''Muscle Man''': Is that One-Cheek Wonder? I hope he's not trying to play punchies will cheeks like those!

===''Free Cake'' [1.3a]===
:'''Rigby''': There's that chocolate cake at the snack bar!
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah...but Benson will only let you have it for free if it's your birthday.
:'''Rigby''': Who's to say it's not my birthday?
:'''Mordecai''': ...Who's to say it's not MY birthday?
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': FREE CAKE! FREE CAKE!!
:'''Benson''': It's NEITHER of your birthdays.
:'''Rigby''': Aw, man! He's killing us with that.
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': No cake....no cake....
:'''Pops''': ''{appears from inside the bushes}'' But it IS Skips' birthday!
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': FREE CAKE! FREE CAKE!!
:'''Benson''': But he's really private about it.
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': No cake....no cake....
:'''Benson''': Come to think of it, I don't think we've EVER had a party for Skips.

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Wedding Entryman''': Do you know the bride, or the groom?
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': Uhhhh...
:'''Mordecai''': The one with the cake?
:'''Wedding Entryman''': ''[quickly closes red rope to wedding]''
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': UUUUUUHH...
Benson: But if you morons are lying to me, YOU’LL BE ON DISH DUTY FOR THE NEXT MONTH!!

===''Meat Your Maker'' [1.3b]===
:'''Mordecai''': ''[puts arms up]''
:'''Rigby''': No. No, don't.
:'''Mordecai''': It's too late. ''[begins to move arms together]''
:'''Rigby''': Come on dude, don't.
:'''Mordecai''': It's already in motion.
:'''Rigby''': Well, put it out of motion!
:'''Mordecai''': ''[crosses arms]'' You pissed/ticked me off. 

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Just give it up, dude. I knew you couldn't fix it...
:'''Rigby''': Dude, I fix stuff all the time!
:'''Mordecai''': No, you don't.
:'''Rigby''': What do you mean?!
:'''Mordecai''': The cart, the shoes, the party, that other party...
:'''Rigby''': Stop right there! You know Muscle Man pushed me!
:'''Mordecai''': Muscle Man wasn't even there!!
:'''Rigby''': Fine, I'll fix it.

===''Grilled Cheese Deluxe'' [1.4a]===
:'''Benson''': What are you doing with my sandwich?!
:'''Mordecai''': What?
:'''Rigby''': Don't worry. I'll take care of this with my specialty. This isn't your sandwich. This is ''our'' sandwich.
:'''Benson''': This is your sandwich, huh? Then how come it says &quot;Benson&quot; on the BAG?!?
:'''Rigby''': Huh? It's supposed to say &quot;Rigby,&quot; but they misspelled my name wrong.
:'''Benson''': ''[goes red]'' '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; STOP LYING!!!'''
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, I thought you said you bought this!
:'''Benson''': '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; NO, HE DIDN'T BUY IT!!! NOW GET ''OFF'' YOUR LAZY BUTTS, AND GO GET ME ANOTHER ''GRILLED CHEESE DELUXE!!!''''' ''[furiously slams the door]''
:'''Mordecai''': ''[groans]'' You ruined our day off.
:'''Rigby:''' Ah, don’t worry, dude. The line won’t be ''that'' long.

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Benson''': Where have you been? I’ve been waiting all day! ''(Mordecai gives Benson his burned Grilled Cheese Deluxe)'' What the--What happened to my sandwich?!
:'''Rigby''': ''[rambling]'' There were spacemen...at Cheezers...and the two...we went down and...everyone wore sweatpants...even us...and then the room...with the bad stuff...but...we saved the city with your sandwich.
:'''Benson''': ''[sighs]'' Why do you ''always'' have to lie to my face?
:'''Mordecai''': We ran it over by accident.
:'''Benson''': See? Was it ''so hard'' to tell the truth...?

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:''[Jones and Barry throw Mordecai and Rigby out of their van]''
:'''Jones''': (angry) If YOU ever lie about being astronauts again, '''YOU’RE DEAD!!'''
:'''Rigby''': We Saved The City, Astro!-- ''(The astronauts throw the Cheezer's bag at Rigby and their van drives away.)''

===''The Unicorns Have Got to Go'' [1.4b]===
:'''Rigby''': If you buy that cologne, then I'm gonna lose all respect for you!
:'''Mordecai''': Good. Then we'll both have the same amount of respect for each other.

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, these guys aren't trying to help me. They're just messing with me.
:'''Rigby''': Dude, they're just partying.
:'''Mordecai''': How is this supposed to help me get the ladies?
:'''Rigby''': They got you a lady.
:''(We see a long-haired man with an open green shirt on a chair in the corner. He has stubble on his chin, a necklace, wristbands, blue jeans, and cowboy boots)''
:'''Mordecai''': That's not a lady. ''(approaches Billy, who's drinking soda with the 2nd Unicorn. He puts his hand on Billy's shoulder)'' Hey, I thought you were gonna help me with Margaret.
:'''Billy''': ''(angrily)'' Something's touching me! ''(elbows Mordecai, who flies onto the floor. The unicorns laugh)''
:'''Rigby''': Hey, bros, check this out. ''(approaches Mordecai)'' Here, let me help you up. ''(He pulls his hand away at the last second)'' Psych! Why don't you ask Margaret to help you up? Ohhhhh!
:''(The unicorns all laugh)''
:'''Mordecai''': (Looking very aggressive) You know what, Rigby? Have fun with your new friends, you jerk. Oh, and just so you know, when Benson finds out about your friends and their little hangout time, he's probably gonna fire you. Later, bro! ''(leaves)''
:'''Rigby''': ''(worried)'' Mordecai, wait. ''(the door shuts off-screen)''
:'''Jimmy''': ''(from upstairs)'' Bros! I found a trampoline!
:'''Rigby''': No! ''(runs up to his room)'' What are you doing to my bed?!
:'''Jimmy''': You sleep on this, bro?
:'''Rigby''': Get off it.
:'''Jimmy''': Right after this somersault. ''(flips in mid air and his horn rips the trampoline, falling to the floor. Rigby gasps)'' Bros, this trampoline's all over me! Help me get it off!
:''(The unicorns run in, chanting 'bros', and in a matter of seconds reduce the trampoline to torn fabric and twisted metal)''
:'''Rigby''': My bed!
:''(Billy and 3rd Unicorn are shown by the closet door)''
:'''Billy''': Hey, bro. You know this ''nerd?''
:''(They open the closet door to show Benson, bound, gagged, and suspended from a coat hook. Benson rages from behind his gag, but his words are unintelligible)''
:'''Billy''': Check this out. ''(gets some gumballs out of Benson and eats them)'' What's the matter, Rigbone? You like that nerd or something?
:'''3rd Unicorn''': ''(taps Rigby's shoulder)'' Yeah, dude. Chill out. And have a ''DRINK!'' ''(sprays him with a soda can, temporarily blinding Rigby)''
:''(In his confusion, Rigby stumbles between the unicorns, who have formed a circle with the intention of repeatedly farting on him)''

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': Hey, Skips...
:'''Rigby''': We have a problem.
:'''Skips''': Unicorns?
:'''Rigby''': How'd you know?
:'''Skips''': They peed on my lawn.

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:''(Scene cuts to daytime, with a close-up of a hand turning a valve and Water is shown flying from a hose. Benson is hosing down Mordecai and Rigby, who are screaming after getting soaked)''
:'''Benson:''' ''(angrily)'' I can't believe you idiots let those unicorns in here! You two morons had better get this mess cleaned up, or you'll wish it was '''''YOU'' DRIVING THAT CAR!!!'''
:'''Rigby:''' The unicorn one? ''(Benson sprays Rigby with the hose and Rigby falls over screaming)'' '''''COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD!!!!'''''
:'''Benson:''' ''(to Mordecai)'' '''And ''YOU!!!''''' ''(Mordecai screams, shaking in fear)'' Quit spraying that cologne! It's not gonna get you any ladies. Idiots... ''(walks away)''

===''Prank Callers'' [1.5a]===
:'''Mordecai''': ''[calls Benson]''
:'''Benson''': Hello?
:'''Mordecai''': Hey, Benson, got any books by.....Joe Mama!?
:'''Benson''': Who is this?
:''[Mordecai and Rigby laugh loudly]''
:'''Benson''': ''[from phone]'' Wherever this is coming from, I will track you down and I will find you...!
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, he's still on the phone!
:'''Rigby''': He's STILL on the phone!?
:'''Mordecai''': He's STILL ON THE PHONE!!!
:''[both convulse in fits of laughter]''

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Benson''': (bangs the door open and storms in) Hang up that phone! You think your little pranks are funny, huh? You think they're funny? Well, what do you guys think of my prank? Ring ring! Hello, what's that? Mordecai and Rigby are banned using the house phone? Okay. ''(Goes red and angrily smashes the phone) '''GOOD LUCK MAKING YOUR PRANK CALLS NOW!!!!''' (Slams the door furiously)''
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, let's use Pops' phone.

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai's Voice''': &quot;Hello?&quot;
:'''Master Prank Caller''': 'This is the Master Prank Caller telling you—'
:'''Mordecai's Voice''': &quot;Hello?&quot;
:'''Master Prank Caller''': 'I said this is the Master Prank—'
:'''Mordecai's Voice''': &quot;Hello? I-I'm sorry, I can't hear you.&quot;
:'''Master Prank Caller''': [frustrated] 'I SAID THIS IS THE MASTER PRANK CALLER—!!'
:'''Mordecai's Voice''': &quot;Hello? Hello, are you there?&quot;
:'''Master Prank Caller''': '''''RRRGH!!!''''' ''[WOOSH]'' I SAID—!!
:'''Mordecai's Voice''': &quot;Ha ha! Just kidding. You just got pranked, loser!&quot; ''[BEEP]''
:'''Master Prank Caller''': '''''NNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!'''''

===''Don'' [1.5b]===
:'''Benson''': hey you two! Quit fooling around we’re having an emergency meeting!
:'''Mordecai''': Aw what
:'''Benson''': Okay. We only have TILL 3:00 to stop the audit. Does anyone know someone who can help us? Anybody? Anybody at all?
:'''Muscle Man''': I know someone who can help...
:'''Benson''': ''[angrily]'' If you say your mom, you're fired.
:'''Muscle Man''': ''[long pause]'' My mom!
:'''Benson''': GET OUT!
:'''Muscle Man''': It was worth it. ''[he and High Five Ghost high-five and walk away]''
:'''Mordecai''': ''[thinks]'' Hmmm... Hmph. Hey! ''[looks at Rigby]'' We know someone.
:'''Rigby''': We do? ''[Mordecai raises his arms. Suddenly, Rigby knows who he's referring to]'' No! No way!
:'''Benson''': What? If you know somebody, you've got to tell me.
:'''Mordecai''': Rigby has a brother. ''[Rigby punches him in the butt]'' And he's an accountant. ''[Rigby punches him again, rapidly]''
:'''Rigby''': SHUT UP!
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, what do you have against Don?
:''[Rigby gets mad, on the verge of crying. A ripple leads us to a flashback of Rigby's sixth birthday party. Pans down from the banner to a young Rigby]''
:'''Young Rigby''': Guys, guys, guys! ''[zooms out to reveal four bored children, one of them a young Mordecai]'' Watch me blow out the candle, guys! 
:''[A door opens. Rigby's younger brother, Don, stands in the doorway. Somehow, he is taller than Rigby]''
:'''Young Don''': Hey, Rigby. Happy birthday, bro.
:'''Young Rigby''': Wha? Wha? '''I told you to stay in the basement.'''
:'''Young Don''': Oh. Sorry, Rigby. I just wanted to give you some birthday sugar.
:'''Young Rigby''': I DON'T WANT YOUR FREAKING SUGAR!
:'''Rigby's Friend 1''': I'll give you some sugar, Don.
:'''Rigby's Friend 2''': Yeah, me too. ''[giggles]''
:''[everyone but Mordecai gets up out of their seats to hug Don. Then, Mordecai follows, but Rigby tries to stop him by grabbing his arm]''
:'''Young Rigby''': DON'T YOU DARE!
:'''Young Mordecai''': I'm just getting some sugar, dude. ''[Rigby lets go of him]'' Besides, Don is cool.
:''[Mordecai goes to Don to give him sugar as everyone else laughs]''
:'''Rigby's Friend''': You're the best, Don!
:''[Young Rigby growls as ripple back to the present]''
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah. Don really made that party.
:'''Benson''': Call your brother.
:'''Rigby''': No.
:'''Benson''': ''CALL'' YOUR BROTHER!
:'''Rigby''': '''NO!''' I ''HATE'' HIM!!!
:'''Benson''': Fine! Mordecai, you call him.
:'''Rigby''': YOU BETTER NOT!
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, he could save the park.
:'''Rigby''': Dude, he could ruin my ''life!'' If he comes, I'm gonna tell him to leave!
:'''Benson''': No, you won't! You be nice to your brother  or you're FIRED! ''[to Mordecai]'' Call him.
:'''Mordecai''': ''[to Rigby]'' Dude, just be cool until he stops the audit.
:''[Rigby growls]''

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Don''': Benson, give me some sugar! ''[hugs Benson]'' Nice to meet you! ''[points to Pops]'' Hey, who's this guy?
:'''Pops''': I'm Pops!
:'''Don''': Pops, give me some sugar!
:'''Pops''': ''[runs laughing to Don and hugs him]''
:'''Don''': ''[hugs Skips]'' Don. Good to meet you. ''[to Mordecai]'' Look at this sugar shack. C'mere, guy! I haven't seen you in forever.
:'''Mordecai''': ''[hugs Don]'' Yeah, I know! It's been forever!
:'''Don''': Rigby, give me some sugar, bro!
:'''Rigby''': Don't you have taxies to do? Why don't you get to it?
:'''Don''': Oh, ha ha... he was always greedy with the sugar.
:'''Rigby''': AUGH...!! I can't wait for you to get out of my life!
:'''Don''': What, bro?
:'''Benson''': ''[mouthing angrily]'' You keep your mouth '''''shut!'''''
:'''Rigby''':  Nothing....

&lt;hr width=100%&gt; 
:'''Benson''': Where's DON?! ''[outside, Don is shown driving away, almost crying. The others run out after him]'' Don, Wait. ''[to the others]'' What happened? 
:'''Mordecai''': Rigby blew it, He wouldn't give Don sugar!
:'''Benson''': What?! '''''GO GIVE HIM SOME SUGAR!'''''
:'''Rigby''':  '''&lt;big&gt;NEVER!!!!!&lt;/big&gt;''' ''[runs away]''

===''Rigby's Body'' [1.6a]===
:'''Mordecai''': ''[groans]'' This... sucks.
:'''Rigby''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Mordecai''': It means that the next time we get to pick our job for the day, I get to pick. Why did you pick the snack bar?! This is like the worst job at the park, dude.
:'''Rigby''': I think it's the funnest job at the park.
:'''Mordecai''': You don't really think that. You just don't want to admit that you're wrong.
:'''Rigby''': Why would I admit something that I'm not?
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, seriously — this is more boring than watching you try to read a children's book.
:'''Rigby''': Is it more boring than your FACE?!
:'''Mordecai''': I don't know, is it more boring than my ''fist'' in your face?!
:'''Rigby''': Is it more boring than ''my'' fist in ''your'' face, you ''TURD''?!!
:'''Mordecai''': You're a turd!
:'''Rigby''': No, ''you're'' a turd!!
:'''Mordecai''': You're the turd!
:''[Mordecai and Rigby scuffle]''
:'''Pops''': Mordecai, Rigby! Stop! We can ''all'' be turds!
:''[...]''
:'''Mordecai &amp; Rigby''': Oh, hey Pops.

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, I'm telling you. If you keep eating like that, your body's gonna quit on you.
:'''Rigby''': Stop talking!
:'''Mordecai''': Whatever. I'm just trying to help.

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:''[at MM's and Fives' shift at the snack bar]''
:'''Muscle Man''': This...''sucks''! Wait.. what is that?
:''[a bucket on a roller blade squiggles closer and closer, at the door—]''
:'''Rigby''': GIMME SOME SNACKS!!!
:'''High Five Ghost''': What are ''you~?!''
:'''Muscle Man''': Looks like a bucket of diarrhea...
:'''Rigby''': It's me, Rigby!!
:'''Muscle Man''': Oh man! THAT BOOT WITH WHEELS STOLE RIGBY'S VOICE''!!''
:'''Rigby''': No! I didn't steal anything!
:'''Muscle Man''': You're not stealin' these voices! C'mon Fives, let's bail!! ''[runs off]''
:'''Rigby''': Come back!!
:'''Muscle Man''': No way, bro!
:'''Rigby''': It's me, Rigby!! ''[falls down]'' Aw, man!

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Skips''': Quick! Before the sun sets!
:'''Pops''': Glorious.
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, how do you feel?
:'''Rigby''': (Screaming)
:(Cut to the snack bar.)
:'''Rigby''': Well Mordecai, I guess you were right about the snack bar being lame. Especially now that we're not eating all the free snacks.
:'''Mordecai''': Oh, about that, those snacks weren't free.
:'''Rigby''': What?
:'''Mordecai''': Turns out. Only Pops gets snacks for free.
:'''Rigby''': Pops?
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah. And I guess we're supposed to work here for the next six months just to pay for it all.
:'''Rigby''': Oh, turds!

===''Mordecai and the Rigbys'' [1.6b]===
:'''Record Player''': Now, what is the first thing that all good musicians require?
:'''Mordecai''': Talent?
:'''Record Player''': Yes!...Good personal hygiene is the key to becoming a successful gentleman musician!!

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Yes, I wanna be in a band with you! Alright, but we’ve gotta have a cool band name. What do think of, &quot;Cool Dudes?&quot;
:'''Rigby''': &quot;Face Punch!&quot;
:'''Mordecai''': &quot;dude face punch sounds lame, why not AC/DC
:'''Rigby''': &quot;Helicopter Crash!&quot;
:'''Mordecai''': What about...&quot;dum-dum money eaters?&quot;
:'''Rigby''': That's it, THAT' S IT!!
:'''Mordecai''': Order the shirts! Order the shirts!

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Regular Show}}
[[Category:American television seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]
[[Category:Regular Show seasons]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3147479</id>
      <parentid>3147476</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T16:47:28Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Timmy.swartley.8</username>
        <id>3126758</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* The Unicorns Have Got to Go [1.4b] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
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----
:'''Seasons:''' [[Regular Show (season 1)|1]] [[Regular Show (season 2)|2]] [[Regular Show (season 3)|3]] [[Regular Show (season 4)|4]] [[Regular Show (season 5)|5]] [[Regular Show (season 6)|6]] [[Regular Show (season 7)|7]] [[Regular Show (season 8)|8]] | [[Regular Show: The Movie|Film]] | [[Regular Show|Main]]
----

The following is a list of quotes from the first season of ''[[Regular Show]]''.

===''The Power'' [1.1a]===
:''[First lines of the series]''
:'''Rigby''': Alright, Beef Burrito. I'm gonna give you one more chance to take back what you said about my mom! ''[A Beef Burrito doll lies silently on the floor]'' I'LL ''KILL'' YOU!!!
:''[He pats his elbow and jumps onto a trampoline, body-slamming the doll. He then elbows the doll multiple times, and body slams it once more. He picks up the doll and moves its arm, making it punch himself in the face. Behind him, Mordecai is calling to him]''
:'''Mordecai''': Tag up! Tag up!
:''[Pretending to be weakened, Rigby walks over to Mordecai and high-fives him. As Rigby drinks a soda, Mordecai pulls the Beef Burrito doll away. Rigby slams the soda can onto the ground and lets out a ferocious cry. Mordecai sets the doll up next to a bed before walking away onto the shelves]''
:'''Rigby''': What?! ''[silence]'' Oh, you want us to put the hurt on you? ''[Mordecai grabs Rigby]'' I think he wants me to put the hurt on him!
:'''Mordecai''': I think he wants you to put the hurt on him!
:'''Rigby''': You think he wants me to put the hurt on him?!
:'''Mordecai''': Yes, I do!
:''[Mordecai &amp; Rigby scream. Mordecai throws Rigby down onto the trampoline, launching him into the wall. The impact leaves a large hole in the wall and Rigby ends up in a trash can]''
:'''Rigby''': Uhhh..... ''[Stands up]'' Uuuuhhhhyyyy.... ''[Removes trash can]'' Yea-uh!! Did you see how awesome it was when I hit the trampoline?
:'''Mordecai''': Hahahaha! Yeah, I did! But it wasn't as awesome as when you punched that hole in the wall!
:''[They both begin laughing]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': I can't believe I listened to you! I knew should've gone out to do some work, but no — let's wrestle this stupid doll, it'll be fun.
:'''Rigby''': But it was fun.
:'''Mordecai''': Well, yeah, but... now there's a big hole in the wall! Dude, we're 23-years-old. We shouldn't be bustin' holes in walls, we're gonna get ''FIRED'' for this!
:'''Rigby''': You mean ''you're'' gonna get fired for this.
:'''Mordecai''': What?!
:'''Rigby''': You're the one who threw me too hard, ya hole!
:'''Mordecai''': Don't call me a hole! You're the hole! You're the one who wanted to wrestle! 
:'''Rigby''': Okay, okay! Let's not blame anyone. Now, how in the H are we gonna fix this S? ''[In reruns, the line is changed to &quot;Now, how in the heck are we gonna fix this stuff?&quot;]''
:'''Mordecai''': I dunno, man. Ugh, we can't fix it and we definitely can't pay for it, cos we don't have any money. Unless you had some money.
:'''Rigby''': No. Besides, I don't even know how much it cost to fix a hole like this. Probably a ton.
:'''Mordecai''': Exactly. Which leaves us with only one possible solution. We convince Benson to give us raises so we can afford to pay someone else to fix it.
:'''Rigby''': Dude. ''[beat]'' ..You are a ''genius''! Of course, raises!
:'''Mordecai''': Okay, dude, here's—
:'''Rigby''': Let me stop you there because I already know what you're going to say — hamboning.
:'''Mordecai''': What?
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, dude! Hamboning! We just go up to Benson and we'll be all like, &quot;We both want raises.&quot; ''[starts hamboning, but mordecai pushes him away]''
:'''Mordecai''': No, man, Stop it. We just need to ask him for a raise and just explain all the—
:'''Rigby''': No, no, no! That's not gonna work! What're ya, 65?! &quot;Excuse me, sir, can I have a raise?&quot; ''C'MON''!! I'm tellin' ya, dude! ''Hamboning~''!!
:'''Mordecai''': No...
:'''Rigby''': Hamboning will save your life someday! You'll be all like, &quot;What? You tryin' to mug me?&quot; ''[starts hamboning again and mordecai shoves him away]''
:'''Mordecai''': No!! We're not doing that. okay?! OKAY?!?!
:'''Rigby''': Fine...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': Ha-ha-ha! We did it. Yeah! Hey, that's mine!
:'''Benson''': Nope. You sent him to the moon so the least you can do is give him your keyboard. Right, Skips?
:'''Skips''': Right. (Smashes the piano.)
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': Aww!
:'''Benson''': And let's have it.
:'''Rigby''': What?
:'''Benson''': ''(Turning red) '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; THE $40 YOU TWO CONNED OUT OF ME WITH THAT STUPID KEYBOARD CRAP! I know you still got it. Now give it... back.'''  (Rigby sighs then gives Benson the two $20 notes.) (Dark Red) '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:maroon&quot;&gt; NOW CLEAN UP THIS MESS OR YOU'RE FIRED!''' Ugh, can you believe this?
:'''Skips''': No. (Door Shuts)

===''Just Set Up the Chairs'' [1.1b]===
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, how came we're always stuck with the lame jobs? Settin' up the chairs??
:'''Rigby''': ''LAAAAA~ME!!!''
:'''Benson''': I can't trust you guys with something actually important. You're always slacking off!
:'''Mordecai''': You callin' us slackers?
:'''Rigby''': Did he!? Did you!?
:'''Mordecai''': He's callin' us slackers. Look dude, we can totally set up all those chairs without slacking off.
:'''Benson''': Good. Do it then.
:'''Mordecai''': We will.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah. And then next time you'll get someone ELSE.. to set up the chairs?
:''[Benson looks at Mordecai, shrugs]''
:'''Benson''': Fine.
:'''Mordecai &amp; Rigby''': OOOOHHHHH!!!! Not settin' up the chairs next time! Not settin' up the chairs next time! UUHH!
:'''Benson''': ...Just set up the chairs...

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Benson''': '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; YOU!!!'''
:'''Mordecai''': Woah! Hey Benson. Before you freak out, we totally set up those chairs.
:''[pan left to see cheering kids, Muscle Man and Hi Five Ghost seated in a moat of fire]''
:'''Muscle Man''': Wooo!! This birthday party's hot.
:'''Rigby''': So we're cool, right?
:'''Benson''': '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; YOU IDIOTS!! That's the last time I entrust you with something very important, LIKE THE CHAIRS!!!'''
:''[beat.]''
:'''Mordecai &amp; Rigby''': OOOOHHHHH!!!! Not settin' up the chairs next time! Not settin' up the chairs next time!
:'''Benson''': '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; But you ARE going to clean up this mess, and you can start by sweeping up the special entertainment.'''
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah, no problem!
:'''Rigby''': We got it.
:'''Mordecai''': Don't worry about us!
:'''Rigby''': ...We're gonna take a break first, right?
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah.

===''Caffeinated Concert Tickets'' [1.2a]===
:'''Mordecai''': You know, at first I thought you were cool, but now I know that you're both total losers.
:'''Rigby''': Everybody hates you!
:'''Mordecai''': Oh, and I just realized something...
:'''Translator''': What?
:'''Mordecai''': Your coffee...sucks.
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': OOOOHHHHHHH!!!!
Benson: You morons get back here and help me pickup my gumballs!

===''Death Punchies'' [1.2b]===
:'''Rigby''': Aw, what?! I wanted to be player one!
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, I'M player one. YOU'RE player two.
:'''Rigby''': I don't wanna be player two! He just digs with the sucky pickaxe. I want the one with the shovel.
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, they're exactly the same!
:'''Rigby''': Then why don't YOU be player two?
:'''Mordecai''': ''[scoffs]'' I'm not usin' that stinky pickaxe.
:'''Rigby''': HAH! SEE?!

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': We-oo! We-oo! We-oo! ''[imitating a doctor]'' Quick, doctor. Both of these buttcheeks are unrecognizable! If we want anybody to recognize this as a butt in the future, then we're gonna have to do a complete butt transplant, STAT!
:'''Rigby''': STOP TALKING!!! There was only damage to the one cheek and you know it.
:'''Mordecai''': ''[laughs]'' That's right. We used to call you the &quot;One-Cheek Wonder!&quot; Dude, I'm bringing it back.
:'''Rigby''': You better not.
:'''Muscle Man''': Is that One-Cheek Wonder? I hope he's not trying to play punchies will cheeks like those!

===''Free Cake'' [1.3a]===
:'''Rigby''': There's that chocolate cake at the snack bar!
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah...but Benson will only let you have it for free if it's your birthday.
:'''Rigby''': Who's to say it's not my birthday?
:'''Mordecai''': ...Who's to say it's not MY birthday?
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': FREE CAKE! FREE CAKE!!
:'''Benson''': It's NEITHER of your birthdays.
:'''Rigby''': Aw, man! He's killing us with that.
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': No cake....no cake....
:'''Pops''': ''{appears from inside the bushes}'' But it IS Skips' birthday!
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': FREE CAKE! FREE CAKE!!
:'''Benson''': But he's really private about it.
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': No cake....no cake....
:'''Benson''': Come to think of it, I don't think we've EVER had a party for Skips.

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Wedding Entryman''': Do you know the bride, or the groom?
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': Uhhhh...
:'''Mordecai''': The one with the cake?
:'''Wedding Entryman''': ''[quickly closes red rope to wedding]''
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': UUUUUUHH...
Benson: But if you morons are lying to me, YOU’LL BE ON DISH DUTY FOR THE NEXT MONTH!!

===''Meat Your Maker'' [1.3b]===
:'''Mordecai''': ''[puts arms up]''
:'''Rigby''': No. No, don't.
:'''Mordecai''': It's too late. ''[begins to move arms together]''
:'''Rigby''': Come on dude, don't.
:'''Mordecai''': It's already in motion.
:'''Rigby''': Well, put it out of motion!
:'''Mordecai''': ''[crosses arms]'' You pissed/ticked me off. 

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Just give it up, dude. I knew you couldn't fix it...
:'''Rigby''': Dude, I fix stuff all the time!
:'''Mordecai''': No, you don't.
:'''Rigby''': What do you mean?!
:'''Mordecai''': The cart, the shoes, the party, that other party...
:'''Rigby''': Stop right there! You know Muscle Man pushed me!
:'''Mordecai''': Muscle Man wasn't even there!!
:'''Rigby''': Fine, I'll fix it.

===''Grilled Cheese Deluxe'' [1.4a]===
:'''Benson''': What are you doing with my sandwich?!
:'''Mordecai''': What?
:'''Rigby''': Don't worry. I'll take care of this with my specialty. This isn't your sandwich. This is ''our'' sandwich.
:'''Benson''': This is your sandwich, huh? Then how come it says &quot;Benson&quot; on the BAG?!?
:'''Rigby''': Huh? It's supposed to say &quot;Rigby,&quot; but they misspelled my name wrong.
:'''Benson''': ''[goes red]'' '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; STOP LYING!!!'''
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, I thought you said you bought this!
:'''Benson''': '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; NO, HE DIDN'T BUY IT!!! NOW GET ''OFF'' YOUR LAZY BUTTS, AND GO GET ME ANOTHER ''GRILLED CHEESE DELUXE!!!''''' ''[furiously slams the door]''
:'''Mordecai''': ''[groans]'' You ruined our day off.
:'''Rigby:''' Ah, don’t worry, dude. The line won’t be ''that'' long.

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Benson''': Where have you been? I’ve been waiting all day! ''(Mordecai gives Benson his burned Grilled Cheese Deluxe)'' What the--What happened to my sandwich?!
:'''Rigby''': ''[rambling]'' There were spacemen...at Cheezers...and the two...we went down and...everyone wore sweatpants...even us...and then the room...with the bad stuff...but...we saved the city with your sandwich.
:'''Benson''': ''[sighs]'' Why do you ''always'' have to lie to my face?
:'''Mordecai''': We ran it over by accident.
:'''Benson''': See? Was it ''so hard'' to tell the truth...?

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:''[Jones and Barry throw Mordecai and Rigby out of their van]''
:'''Jones''': (angry) If YOU ever lie about being astronauts again, '''YOU’RE DEAD!!'''
:'''Rigby''': We Saved The City, Astro!-- ''(The astronauts throw the Cheezer's bag at Rigby and their van drives away.)''

===''The Unicorns Have Got to Go'' [1.4b]===
:'''Rigby''': If you buy that cologne, then I'm gonna lose all respect for you!
:'''Mordecai''': Good. Then we'll both have the same amount of respect for each other.

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, these guys aren't trying to help me. They're just messing with me.
:'''Rigby''': Dude, they're just partying.
:'''Mordecai''': How is this supposed to help me get the ladies?
:'''Rigby''': They got you a lady.
:''(We see a long-haired man with an open green shirt on a chair in the corner. He has stubble on his chin, a necklace, wristbands, blue jeans, and cowboy boots)''
:'''Mordecai''': That's not a lady. ''(approaches Billy, who's drinking soda with the 2nd Unicorn. He puts his hand on Billy's shoulder)'' Hey, I thought you were gonna help me with Margaret.
:'''Billy''': ''(angrily)'' Something's touching me! ''(elbows Mordecai, who flies onto the floor. The unicorns laugh)''
:'''Rigby''': Hey, bros, check this out. ''(approaches Mordecai)'' Here, let me help you up. ''(He pulls his hand away at the last second)'' Psych! Why don't you ask Margaret to help you up? Ohhhhh!
:''(The unicorns all laugh)''
:'''Mordecai''': (Looking very aggressive) You know what, Rigby? Have fun with your new friends, you jerk. Oh, and just so you know, when Benson finds out about your friends and their little hangout time, he's probably gonna fire you. Later, bro! ''(leaves)''
:'''Rigby''': ''(worried)'' Mordecai, wait. ''(the door shuts off-screen)''
:'''Jimmy''': ''(from upstairs)'' Bros! I found a trampoline!
:'''Rigby''': No! ''(runs up to his room)'' What are you doing to my bed?!
:'''Jimmy''': You sleep on this, bro?
:'''Rigby''': Get off it.
:'''Jimmy''': Right after this somersault. ''(flips in mid air and his horn rips the trampoline, falling to the floor. Rigby gasps)'' Bros, this trampoline's all over me! Help me get it off!
:''(The unicorns run in, chanting 'bros', and in a matter of seconds reduce the trampoline to torn fabric and twisted metal)''
:'''Rigby''': My bed!
:''(Billy and 3rd Unicorn are shown by the closet door)''
:'''Billy''': Hey, bro. You know this ''nerd?''
:''(They open the closet door to show Benson, bound, gagged, and suspended from a coat hook. Benson rages from behind his gag, but his words are unintelligible)''
:'''Billy''': Check this out. ''(gets some gumballs out of Benson and eats them)'' What's the matter, Rigbone? You like that nerd or something?
:'''3rd Unicorn''': ''(taps Rigby's shoulder)'' Yeah, dude. Chill out. And have a ''DRINK!'' ''(sprays him with a soda can, temporarily blinding Rigby)''
:''(In his confusion, Rigby stumbles between the unicorns, who have formed a circle with the intention of repeatedly farting on him)''

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': Hey, Skips...
:'''Rigby''': We have a problem.
:'''Skips''': Unicorns?
:'''Rigby''': How'd you know?
:'''Skips''': They peed on my lawn.

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:''(Scene cuts to daytime, with a close-up of a hand turning a valve and Water is shown flying from a hose. Benson is hosing down Mordecai and Rigby, who are screaming after getting soaked)''
:'''Benson:''' ''(angrily)'' I can't believe you idiots let those unicorns in here! You two morons had better get this mess cleaned up, or you'll wish it was '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; ''YOU'' DRIVING THAT CAR!!!'''
:'''Rigby:''' The unicorn one? ''(Benson sprays Rigby with the hose and Rigby falls over screaming)'' '''''COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD!!!!'''''
:'''Benson:''' ''(to Mordecai)'' '''And ''YOU!!!''''' ''(Mordecai screams, shaking in fear)'' Quit spraying that cologne! It's not gonna get you any ladies. Idiots... ''(walks away)''

===''Prank Callers'' [1.5a]===
:'''Mordecai''': ''[calls Benson]''
:'''Benson''': Hello?
:'''Mordecai''': Hey, Benson, got any books by.....Joe Mama!?
:'''Benson''': Who is this?
:''[Mordecai and Rigby laugh loudly]''
:'''Benson''': ''[from phone]'' Wherever this is coming from, I will track you down and I will find you...!
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, he's still on the phone!
:'''Rigby''': He's STILL on the phone!?
:'''Mordecai''': He's STILL ON THE PHONE!!!
:''[both convulse in fits of laughter]''

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Benson''': (bangs the door open and storms in) Hang up that phone! You think your little pranks are funny, huh? You think they're funny? Well, what do you guys think of my prank? Ring ring! Hello, what's that? Mordecai and Rigby are banned using the house phone? Okay. ''(Goes red and angrily smashes the phone) '''GOOD LUCK MAKING YOUR PRANK CALLS NOW!!!!''' (Slams the door furiously)''
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, let's use Pops' phone.

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai's Voice''': &quot;Hello?&quot;
:'''Master Prank Caller''': 'This is the Master Prank Caller telling you—'
:'''Mordecai's Voice''': &quot;Hello?&quot;
:'''Master Prank Caller''': 'I said this is the Master Prank—'
:'''Mordecai's Voice''': &quot;Hello? I-I'm sorry, I can't hear you.&quot;
:'''Master Prank Caller''': [frustrated] 'I SAID THIS IS THE MASTER PRANK CALLER—!!'
:'''Mordecai's Voice''': &quot;Hello? Hello, are you there?&quot;
:'''Master Prank Caller''': '''''RRRGH!!!''''' ''[WOOSH]'' I SAID—!!
:'''Mordecai's Voice''': &quot;Ha ha! Just kidding. You just got pranked, loser!&quot; ''[BEEP]''
:'''Master Prank Caller''': '''''NNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!'''''

===''Don'' [1.5b]===
:'''Benson''': hey you two! Quit fooling around we’re having an emergency meeting!
:'''Mordecai''': Aw what
:'''Benson''': Okay. We only have TILL 3:00 to stop the audit. Does anyone know someone who can help us? Anybody? Anybody at all?
:'''Muscle Man''': I know someone who can help...
:'''Benson''': ''[angrily]'' If you say your mom, you're fired.
:'''Muscle Man''': ''[long pause]'' My mom!
:'''Benson''': GET OUT!
:'''Muscle Man''': It was worth it. ''[he and High Five Ghost high-five and walk away]''
:'''Mordecai''': ''[thinks]'' Hmmm... Hmph. Hey! ''[looks at Rigby]'' We know someone.
:'''Rigby''': We do? ''[Mordecai raises his arms. Suddenly, Rigby knows who he's referring to]'' No! No way!
:'''Benson''': What? If you know somebody, you've got to tell me.
:'''Mordecai''': Rigby has a brother. ''[Rigby punches him in the butt]'' And he's an accountant. ''[Rigby punches him again, rapidly]''
:'''Rigby''': SHUT UP!
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, what do you have against Don?
:''[Rigby gets mad, on the verge of crying. A ripple leads us to a flashback of Rigby's sixth birthday party. Pans down from the banner to a young Rigby]''
:'''Young Rigby''': Guys, guys, guys! ''[zooms out to reveal four bored children, one of them a young Mordecai]'' Watch me blow out the candle, guys! 
:''[A door opens. Rigby's younger brother, Don, stands in the doorway. Somehow, he is taller than Rigby]''
:'''Young Don''': Hey, Rigby. Happy birthday, bro.
:'''Young Rigby''': Wha? Wha? '''I told you to stay in the basement.'''
:'''Young Don''': Oh. Sorry, Rigby. I just wanted to give you some birthday sugar.
:'''Young Rigby''': I DON'T WANT YOUR FREAKING SUGAR!
:'''Rigby's Friend 1''': I'll give you some sugar, Don.
:'''Rigby's Friend 2''': Yeah, me too. ''[giggles]''
:''[everyone but Mordecai gets up out of their seats to hug Don. Then, Mordecai follows, but Rigby tries to stop him by grabbing his arm]''
:'''Young Rigby''': DON'T YOU DARE!
:'''Young Mordecai''': I'm just getting some sugar, dude. ''[Rigby lets go of him]'' Besides, Don is cool.
:''[Mordecai goes to Don to give him sugar as everyone else laughs]''
:'''Rigby's Friend''': You're the best, Don!
:''[Young Rigby growls as ripple back to the present]''
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah. Don really made that party.
:'''Benson''': Call your brother.
:'''Rigby''': No.
:'''Benson''': ''CALL'' YOUR BROTHER!
:'''Rigby''': '''NO!''' I ''HATE'' HIM!!!
:'''Benson''': Fine! Mordecai, you call him.
:'''Rigby''': YOU BETTER NOT!
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, he could save the park.
:'''Rigby''': Dude, he could ruin my ''life!'' If he comes, I'm gonna tell him to leave!
:'''Benson''': No, you won't! You be nice to your brother  or you're FIRED! ''[to Mordecai]'' Call him.
:'''Mordecai''': ''[to Rigby]'' Dude, just be cool until he stops the audit.
:''[Rigby growls]''

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Don''': Benson, give me some sugar! ''[hugs Benson]'' Nice to meet you! ''[points to Pops]'' Hey, who's this guy?
:'''Pops''': I'm Pops!
:'''Don''': Pops, give me some sugar!
:'''Pops''': ''[runs laughing to Don and hugs him]''
:'''Don''': ''[hugs Skips]'' Don. Good to meet you. ''[to Mordecai]'' Look at this sugar shack. C'mere, guy! I haven't seen you in forever.
:'''Mordecai''': ''[hugs Don]'' Yeah, I know! It's been forever!
:'''Don''': Rigby, give me some sugar, bro!
:'''Rigby''': Don't you have taxies to do? Why don't you get to it?
:'''Don''': Oh, ha ha... he was always greedy with the sugar.
:'''Rigby''': AUGH...!! I can't wait for you to get out of my life!
:'''Don''': What, bro?
:'''Benson''': ''[mouthing angrily]'' You keep your mouth '''''shut!'''''
:'''Rigby''':  Nothing....

&lt;hr width=100%&gt; 
:'''Benson''': Where's DON?! ''[outside, Don is shown driving away, almost crying. The others run out after him]'' Don, Wait. ''[to the others]'' What happened? 
:'''Mordecai''': Rigby blew it, He wouldn't give Don sugar!
:'''Benson''': What?! '''''GO GIVE HIM SOME SUGAR!'''''
:'''Rigby''':  '''&lt;big&gt;NEVER!!!!!&lt;/big&gt;''' ''[runs away]''

===''Rigby's Body'' [1.6a]===
:'''Mordecai''': ''[groans]'' This... sucks.
:'''Rigby''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Mordecai''': It means that the next time we get to pick our job for the day, I get to pick. Why did you pick the snack bar?! This is like the worst job at the park, dude.
:'''Rigby''': I think it's the funnest job at the park.
:'''Mordecai''': You don't really think that. You just don't want to admit that you're wrong.
:'''Rigby''': Why would I admit something that I'm not?
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, seriously — this is more boring than watching you try to read a children's book.
:'''Rigby''': Is it more boring than your FACE?!
:'''Mordecai''': I don't know, is it more boring than my ''fist'' in your face?!
:'''Rigby''': Is it more boring than ''my'' fist in ''your'' face, you ''TURD''?!!
:'''Mordecai''': You're a turd!
:'''Rigby''': No, ''you're'' a turd!!
:'''Mordecai''': You're the turd!
:''[Mordecai and Rigby scuffle]''
:'''Pops''': Mordecai, Rigby! Stop! We can ''all'' be turds!
:''[...]''
:'''Mordecai &amp; Rigby''': Oh, hey Pops.

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, I'm telling you. If you keep eating like that, your body's gonna quit on you.
:'''Rigby''': Stop talking!
:'''Mordecai''': Whatever. I'm just trying to help.

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:''[at MM's and Fives' shift at the snack bar]''
:'''Muscle Man''': This...''sucks''! Wait.. what is that?
:''[a bucket on a roller blade squiggles closer and closer, at the door—]''
:'''Rigby''': GIMME SOME SNACKS!!!
:'''High Five Ghost''': What are ''you~?!''
:'''Muscle Man''': Looks like a bucket of diarrhea...
:'''Rigby''': It's me, Rigby!!
:'''Muscle Man''': Oh man! THAT BOOT WITH WHEELS STOLE RIGBY'S VOICE''!!''
:'''Rigby''': No! I didn't steal anything!
:'''Muscle Man''': You're not stealin' these voices! C'mon Fives, let's bail!! ''[runs off]''
:'''Rigby''': Come back!!
:'''Muscle Man''': No way, bro!
:'''Rigby''': It's me, Rigby!! ''[falls down]'' Aw, man!

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Skips''': Quick! Before the sun sets!
:'''Pops''': Glorious.
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, how do you feel?
:'''Rigby''': (Screaming)
:(Cut to the snack bar.)
:'''Rigby''': Well Mordecai, I guess you were right about the snack bar being lame. Especially now that we're not eating all the free snacks.
:'''Mordecai''': Oh, about that, those snacks weren't free.
:'''Rigby''': What?
:'''Mordecai''': Turns out. Only Pops gets snacks for free.
:'''Rigby''': Pops?
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah. And I guess we're supposed to work here for the next six months just to pay for it all.
:'''Rigby''': Oh, turds!

===''Mordecai and the Rigbys'' [1.6b]===
:'''Record Player''': Now, what is the first thing that all good musicians require?
:'''Mordecai''': Talent?
:'''Record Player''': Yes!...Good personal hygiene is the key to becoming a successful gentleman musician!!

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Yes, I wanna be in a band with you! Alright, but we’ve gotta have a cool band name. What do think of, &quot;Cool Dudes?&quot;
:'''Rigby''': &quot;Face Punch!&quot;
:'''Mordecai''': &quot;dude face punch sounds lame, why not AC/DC
:'''Rigby''': &quot;Helicopter Crash!&quot;
:'''Mordecai''': What about...&quot;dum-dum money eaters?&quot;
:'''Rigby''': That's it, THAT' S IT!!
:'''Mordecai''': Order the shirts! Order the shirts!

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Regular Show}}
[[Category:American television seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]
[[Category:Regular Show seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>orctjhxebluqd9oufood6i7o6mzsylr</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147480</id>
      <parentid>3147479</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T16:48:07Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Timmy.swartley.8</username>
        <id>3126758</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Prank Callers [1.5a] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="24413" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Seasons:''' [[Regular Show (season 1)|1]] [[Regular Show (season 2)|2]] [[Regular Show (season 3)|3]] [[Regular Show (season 4)|4]] [[Regular Show (season 5)|5]] [[Regular Show (season 6)|6]] [[Regular Show (season 7)|7]] [[Regular Show (season 8)|8]] | [[Regular Show: The Movie|Film]] | [[Regular Show|Main]]
----

The following is a list of quotes from the first season of ''[[Regular Show]]''.

===''The Power'' [1.1a]===
:''[First lines of the series]''
:'''Rigby''': Alright, Beef Burrito. I'm gonna give you one more chance to take back what you said about my mom! ''[A Beef Burrito doll lies silently on the floor]'' I'LL ''KILL'' YOU!!!
:''[He pats his elbow and jumps onto a trampoline, body-slamming the doll. He then elbows the doll multiple times, and body slams it once more. He picks up the doll and moves its arm, making it punch himself in the face. Behind him, Mordecai is calling to him]''
:'''Mordecai''': Tag up! Tag up!
:''[Pretending to be weakened, Rigby walks over to Mordecai and high-fives him. As Rigby drinks a soda, Mordecai pulls the Beef Burrito doll away. Rigby slams the soda can onto the ground and lets out a ferocious cry. Mordecai sets the doll up next to a bed before walking away onto the shelves]''
:'''Rigby''': What?! ''[silence]'' Oh, you want us to put the hurt on you? ''[Mordecai grabs Rigby]'' I think he wants me to put the hurt on him!
:'''Mordecai''': I think he wants you to put the hurt on him!
:'''Rigby''': You think he wants me to put the hurt on him?!
:'''Mordecai''': Yes, I do!
:''[Mordecai &amp; Rigby scream. Mordecai throws Rigby down onto the trampoline, launching him into the wall. The impact leaves a large hole in the wall and Rigby ends up in a trash can]''
:'''Rigby''': Uhhh..... ''[Stands up]'' Uuuuhhhhyyyy.... ''[Removes trash can]'' Yea-uh!! Did you see how awesome it was when I hit the trampoline?
:'''Mordecai''': Hahahaha! Yeah, I did! But it wasn't as awesome as when you punched that hole in the wall!
:''[They both begin laughing]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': I can't believe I listened to you! I knew should've gone out to do some work, but no — let's wrestle this stupid doll, it'll be fun.
:'''Rigby''': But it was fun.
:'''Mordecai''': Well, yeah, but... now there's a big hole in the wall! Dude, we're 23-years-old. We shouldn't be bustin' holes in walls, we're gonna get ''FIRED'' for this!
:'''Rigby''': You mean ''you're'' gonna get fired for this.
:'''Mordecai''': What?!
:'''Rigby''': You're the one who threw me too hard, ya hole!
:'''Mordecai''': Don't call me a hole! You're the hole! You're the one who wanted to wrestle! 
:'''Rigby''': Okay, okay! Let's not blame anyone. Now, how in the H are we gonna fix this S? ''[In reruns, the line is changed to &quot;Now, how in the heck are we gonna fix this stuff?&quot;]''
:'''Mordecai''': I dunno, man. Ugh, we can't fix it and we definitely can't pay for it, cos we don't have any money. Unless you had some money.
:'''Rigby''': No. Besides, I don't even know how much it cost to fix a hole like this. Probably a ton.
:'''Mordecai''': Exactly. Which leaves us with only one possible solution. We convince Benson to give us raises so we can afford to pay someone else to fix it.
:'''Rigby''': Dude. ''[beat]'' ..You are a ''genius''! Of course, raises!
:'''Mordecai''': Okay, dude, here's—
:'''Rigby''': Let me stop you there because I already know what you're going to say — hamboning.
:'''Mordecai''': What?
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, dude! Hamboning! We just go up to Benson and we'll be all like, &quot;We both want raises.&quot; ''[starts hamboning, but mordecai pushes him away]''
:'''Mordecai''': No, man, Stop it. We just need to ask him for a raise and just explain all the—
:'''Rigby''': No, no, no! That's not gonna work! What're ya, 65?! &quot;Excuse me, sir, can I have a raise?&quot; ''C'MON''!! I'm tellin' ya, dude! ''Hamboning~''!!
:'''Mordecai''': No...
:'''Rigby''': Hamboning will save your life someday! You'll be all like, &quot;What? You tryin' to mug me?&quot; ''[starts hamboning again and mordecai shoves him away]''
:'''Mordecai''': No!! We're not doing that. okay?! OKAY?!?!
:'''Rigby''': Fine...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': Ha-ha-ha! We did it. Yeah! Hey, that's mine!
:'''Benson''': Nope. You sent him to the moon so the least you can do is give him your keyboard. Right, Skips?
:'''Skips''': Right. (Smashes the piano.)
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': Aww!
:'''Benson''': And let's have it.
:'''Rigby''': What?
:'''Benson''': ''(Turning red) '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; THE $40 YOU TWO CONNED OUT OF ME WITH THAT STUPID KEYBOARD CRAP! I know you still got it. Now give it... back.'''  (Rigby sighs then gives Benson the two $20 notes.) (Dark Red) '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:maroon&quot;&gt; NOW CLEAN UP THIS MESS OR YOU'RE FIRED!''' Ugh, can you believe this?
:'''Skips''': No. (Door Shuts)

===''Just Set Up the Chairs'' [1.1b]===
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, how came we're always stuck with the lame jobs? Settin' up the chairs??
:'''Rigby''': ''LAAAAA~ME!!!''
:'''Benson''': I can't trust you guys with something actually important. You're always slacking off!
:'''Mordecai''': You callin' us slackers?
:'''Rigby''': Did he!? Did you!?
:'''Mordecai''': He's callin' us slackers. Look dude, we can totally set up all those chairs without slacking off.
:'''Benson''': Good. Do it then.
:'''Mordecai''': We will.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah. And then next time you'll get someone ELSE.. to set up the chairs?
:''[Benson looks at Mordecai, shrugs]''
:'''Benson''': Fine.
:'''Mordecai &amp; Rigby''': OOOOHHHHH!!!! Not settin' up the chairs next time! Not settin' up the chairs next time! UUHH!
:'''Benson''': ...Just set up the chairs...

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Benson''': '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; YOU!!!'''
:'''Mordecai''': Woah! Hey Benson. Before you freak out, we totally set up those chairs.
:''[pan left to see cheering kids, Muscle Man and Hi Five Ghost seated in a moat of fire]''
:'''Muscle Man''': Wooo!! This birthday party's hot.
:'''Rigby''': So we're cool, right?
:'''Benson''': '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; YOU IDIOTS!! That's the last time I entrust you with something very important, LIKE THE CHAIRS!!!'''
:''[beat.]''
:'''Mordecai &amp; Rigby''': OOOOHHHHH!!!! Not settin' up the chairs next time! Not settin' up the chairs next time!
:'''Benson''': '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; But you ARE going to clean up this mess, and you can start by sweeping up the special entertainment.'''
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah, no problem!
:'''Rigby''': We got it.
:'''Mordecai''': Don't worry about us!
:'''Rigby''': ...We're gonna take a break first, right?
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah.

===''Caffeinated Concert Tickets'' [1.2a]===
:'''Mordecai''': You know, at first I thought you were cool, but now I know that you're both total losers.
:'''Rigby''': Everybody hates you!
:'''Mordecai''': Oh, and I just realized something...
:'''Translator''': What?
:'''Mordecai''': Your coffee...sucks.
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': OOOOHHHHHHH!!!!
Benson: You morons get back here and help me pickup my gumballs!

===''Death Punchies'' [1.2b]===
:'''Rigby''': Aw, what?! I wanted to be player one!
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, I'M player one. YOU'RE player two.
:'''Rigby''': I don't wanna be player two! He just digs with the sucky pickaxe. I want the one with the shovel.
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, they're exactly the same!
:'''Rigby''': Then why don't YOU be player two?
:'''Mordecai''': ''[scoffs]'' I'm not usin' that stinky pickaxe.
:'''Rigby''': HAH! SEE?!

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': We-oo! We-oo! We-oo! ''[imitating a doctor]'' Quick, doctor. Both of these buttcheeks are unrecognizable! If we want anybody to recognize this as a butt in the future, then we're gonna have to do a complete butt transplant, STAT!
:'''Rigby''': STOP TALKING!!! There was only damage to the one cheek and you know it.
:'''Mordecai''': ''[laughs]'' That's right. We used to call you the &quot;One-Cheek Wonder!&quot; Dude, I'm bringing it back.
:'''Rigby''': You better not.
:'''Muscle Man''': Is that One-Cheek Wonder? I hope he's not trying to play punchies will cheeks like those!

===''Free Cake'' [1.3a]===
:'''Rigby''': There's that chocolate cake at the snack bar!
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah...but Benson will only let you have it for free if it's your birthday.
:'''Rigby''': Who's to say it's not my birthday?
:'''Mordecai''': ...Who's to say it's not MY birthday?
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': FREE CAKE! FREE CAKE!!
:'''Benson''': It's NEITHER of your birthdays.
:'''Rigby''': Aw, man! He's killing us with that.
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': No cake....no cake....
:'''Pops''': ''{appears from inside the bushes}'' But it IS Skips' birthday!
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': FREE CAKE! FREE CAKE!!
:'''Benson''': But he's really private about it.
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': No cake....no cake....
:'''Benson''': Come to think of it, I don't think we've EVER had a party for Skips.

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Wedding Entryman''': Do you know the bride, or the groom?
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': Uhhhh...
:'''Mordecai''': The one with the cake?
:'''Wedding Entryman''': ''[quickly closes red rope to wedding]''
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': UUUUUUHH...
Benson: But if you morons are lying to me, YOU’LL BE ON DISH DUTY FOR THE NEXT MONTH!!

===''Meat Your Maker'' [1.3b]===
:'''Mordecai''': ''[puts arms up]''
:'''Rigby''': No. No, don't.
:'''Mordecai''': It's too late. ''[begins to move arms together]''
:'''Rigby''': Come on dude, don't.
:'''Mordecai''': It's already in motion.
:'''Rigby''': Well, put it out of motion!
:'''Mordecai''': ''[crosses arms]'' You pissed/ticked me off. 

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Just give it up, dude. I knew you couldn't fix it...
:'''Rigby''': Dude, I fix stuff all the time!
:'''Mordecai''': No, you don't.
:'''Rigby''': What do you mean?!
:'''Mordecai''': The cart, the shoes, the party, that other party...
:'''Rigby''': Stop right there! You know Muscle Man pushed me!
:'''Mordecai''': Muscle Man wasn't even there!!
:'''Rigby''': Fine, I'll fix it.

===''Grilled Cheese Deluxe'' [1.4a]===
:'''Benson''': What are you doing with my sandwich?!
:'''Mordecai''': What?
:'''Rigby''': Don't worry. I'll take care of this with my specialty. This isn't your sandwich. This is ''our'' sandwich.
:'''Benson''': This is your sandwich, huh? Then how come it says &quot;Benson&quot; on the BAG?!?
:'''Rigby''': Huh? It's supposed to say &quot;Rigby,&quot; but they misspelled my name wrong.
:'''Benson''': ''[goes red]'' '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; STOP LYING!!!'''
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, I thought you said you bought this!
:'''Benson''': '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; NO, HE DIDN'T BUY IT!!! NOW GET ''OFF'' YOUR LAZY BUTTS, AND GO GET ME ANOTHER ''GRILLED CHEESE DELUXE!!!''''' ''[furiously slams the door]''
:'''Mordecai''': ''[groans]'' You ruined our day off.
:'''Rigby:''' Ah, don’t worry, dude. The line won’t be ''that'' long.

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Benson''': Where have you been? I’ve been waiting all day! ''(Mordecai gives Benson his burned Grilled Cheese Deluxe)'' What the--What happened to my sandwich?!
:'''Rigby''': ''[rambling]'' There were spacemen...at Cheezers...and the two...we went down and...everyone wore sweatpants...even us...and then the room...with the bad stuff...but...we saved the city with your sandwich.
:'''Benson''': ''[sighs]'' Why do you ''always'' have to lie to my face?
:'''Mordecai''': We ran it over by accident.
:'''Benson''': See? Was it ''so hard'' to tell the truth...?

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:''[Jones and Barry throw Mordecai and Rigby out of their van]''
:'''Jones''': (angry) If YOU ever lie about being astronauts again, '''YOU’RE DEAD!!'''
:'''Rigby''': We Saved The City, Astro!-- ''(The astronauts throw the Cheezer's bag at Rigby and their van drives away.)''

===''The Unicorns Have Got to Go'' [1.4b]===
:'''Rigby''': If you buy that cologne, then I'm gonna lose all respect for you!
:'''Mordecai''': Good. Then we'll both have the same amount of respect for each other.

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, these guys aren't trying to help me. They're just messing with me.
:'''Rigby''': Dude, they're just partying.
:'''Mordecai''': How is this supposed to help me get the ladies?
:'''Rigby''': They got you a lady.
:''(We see a long-haired man with an open green shirt on a chair in the corner. He has stubble on his chin, a necklace, wristbands, blue jeans, and cowboy boots)''
:'''Mordecai''': That's not a lady. ''(approaches Billy, who's drinking soda with the 2nd Unicorn. He puts his hand on Billy's shoulder)'' Hey, I thought you were gonna help me with Margaret.
:'''Billy''': ''(angrily)'' Something's touching me! ''(elbows Mordecai, who flies onto the floor. The unicorns laugh)''
:'''Rigby''': Hey, bros, check this out. ''(approaches Mordecai)'' Here, let me help you up. ''(He pulls his hand away at the last second)'' Psych! Why don't you ask Margaret to help you up? Ohhhhh!
:''(The unicorns all laugh)''
:'''Mordecai''': (Looking very aggressive) You know what, Rigby? Have fun with your new friends, you jerk. Oh, and just so you know, when Benson finds out about your friends and their little hangout time, he's probably gonna fire you. Later, bro! ''(leaves)''
:'''Rigby''': ''(worried)'' Mordecai, wait. ''(the door shuts off-screen)''
:'''Jimmy''': ''(from upstairs)'' Bros! I found a trampoline!
:'''Rigby''': No! ''(runs up to his room)'' What are you doing to my bed?!
:'''Jimmy''': You sleep on this, bro?
:'''Rigby''': Get off it.
:'''Jimmy''': Right after this somersault. ''(flips in mid air and his horn rips the trampoline, falling to the floor. Rigby gasps)'' Bros, this trampoline's all over me! Help me get it off!
:''(The unicorns run in, chanting 'bros', and in a matter of seconds reduce the trampoline to torn fabric and twisted metal)''
:'''Rigby''': My bed!
:''(Billy and 3rd Unicorn are shown by the closet door)''
:'''Billy''': Hey, bro. You know this ''nerd?''
:''(They open the closet door to show Benson, bound, gagged, and suspended from a coat hook. Benson rages from behind his gag, but his words are unintelligible)''
:'''Billy''': Check this out. ''(gets some gumballs out of Benson and eats them)'' What's the matter, Rigbone? You like that nerd or something?
:'''3rd Unicorn''': ''(taps Rigby's shoulder)'' Yeah, dude. Chill out. And have a ''DRINK!'' ''(sprays him with a soda can, temporarily blinding Rigby)''
:''(In his confusion, Rigby stumbles between the unicorns, who have formed a circle with the intention of repeatedly farting on him)''

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': Hey, Skips...
:'''Rigby''': We have a problem.
:'''Skips''': Unicorns?
:'''Rigby''': How'd you know?
:'''Skips''': They peed on my lawn.

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:''(Scene cuts to daytime, with a close-up of a hand turning a valve and Water is shown flying from a hose. Benson is hosing down Mordecai and Rigby, who are screaming after getting soaked)''
:'''Benson:''' ''(angrily)'' I can't believe you idiots let those unicorns in here! You two morons had better get this mess cleaned up, or you'll wish it was '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; ''YOU'' DRIVING THAT CAR!!!'''
:'''Rigby:''' The unicorn one? ''(Benson sprays Rigby with the hose and Rigby falls over screaming)'' '''''COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD!!!!'''''
:'''Benson:''' ''(to Mordecai)'' '''And ''YOU!!!''''' ''(Mordecai screams, shaking in fear)'' Quit spraying that cologne! It's not gonna get you any ladies. Idiots... ''(walks away)''

===''Prank Callers'' [1.5a]===
:'''Mordecai''': ''[calls Benson]''
:'''Benson''': Hello?
:'''Mordecai''': Hey, Benson, got any books by.....Joe Mama!?
:'''Benson''': Who is this?
:''[Mordecai and Rigby laugh loudly]''
:'''Benson''': ''[from phone]'' Wherever this is coming from, I will track you down and I will find you...!
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, he's still on the phone!
:'''Rigby''': He's STILL on the phone!?
:'''Mordecai''': He's STILL ON THE PHONE!!!
:''[both convulse in fits of laughter]''

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Benson''': (bangs the door open and storms in) Hang up that phone! You think your little pranks are funny, huh? You think they're funny? Well, what do you guys think of my prank? Ring ring! Hello, what's that? Mordecai and Rigby are banned using the house phone? Okay. ''(Goes red and angrily smashes the phone) '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; GOOD LUCK MAKING YOUR PRANK CALLS NOW!!!!''' (Slams the door furiously)''
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, let's use Pops' phone.

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai's Voice''': &quot;Hello?&quot;
:'''Master Prank Caller''': 'This is the Master Prank Caller telling you—'
:'''Mordecai's Voice''': &quot;Hello?&quot;
:'''Master Prank Caller''': 'I said this is the Master Prank—'
:'''Mordecai's Voice''': &quot;Hello? I-I'm sorry, I can't hear you.&quot;
:'''Master Prank Caller''': [frustrated] 'I SAID THIS IS THE MASTER PRANK CALLER—!!'
:'''Mordecai's Voice''': &quot;Hello? Hello, are you there?&quot;
:'''Master Prank Caller''': '''''RRRGH!!!''''' ''[WOOSH]'' I SAID—!!
:'''Mordecai's Voice''': &quot;Ha ha! Just kidding. You just got pranked, loser!&quot; ''[BEEP]''
:'''Master Prank Caller''': '''''NNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!'''''

===''Don'' [1.5b]===
:'''Benson''': hey you two! Quit fooling around we’re having an emergency meeting!
:'''Mordecai''': Aw what
:'''Benson''': Okay. We only have TILL 3:00 to stop the audit. Does anyone know someone who can help us? Anybody? Anybody at all?
:'''Muscle Man''': I know someone who can help...
:'''Benson''': ''[angrily]'' If you say your mom, you're fired.
:'''Muscle Man''': ''[long pause]'' My mom!
:'''Benson''': GET OUT!
:'''Muscle Man''': It was worth it. ''[he and High Five Ghost high-five and walk away]''
:'''Mordecai''': ''[thinks]'' Hmmm... Hmph. Hey! ''[looks at Rigby]'' We know someone.
:'''Rigby''': We do? ''[Mordecai raises his arms. Suddenly, Rigby knows who he's referring to]'' No! No way!
:'''Benson''': What? If you know somebody, you've got to tell me.
:'''Mordecai''': Rigby has a brother. ''[Rigby punches him in the butt]'' And he's an accountant. ''[Rigby punches him again, rapidly]''
:'''Rigby''': SHUT UP!
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, what do you have against Don?
:''[Rigby gets mad, on the verge of crying. A ripple leads us to a flashback of Rigby's sixth birthday party. Pans down from the banner to a young Rigby]''
:'''Young Rigby''': Guys, guys, guys! ''[zooms out to reveal four bored children, one of them a young Mordecai]'' Watch me blow out the candle, guys! 
:''[A door opens. Rigby's younger brother, Don, stands in the doorway. Somehow, he is taller than Rigby]''
:'''Young Don''': Hey, Rigby. Happy birthday, bro.
:'''Young Rigby''': Wha? Wha? '''I told you to stay in the basement.'''
:'''Young Don''': Oh. Sorry, Rigby. I just wanted to give you some birthday sugar.
:'''Young Rigby''': I DON'T WANT YOUR FREAKING SUGAR!
:'''Rigby's Friend 1''': I'll give you some sugar, Don.
:'''Rigby's Friend 2''': Yeah, me too. ''[giggles]''
:''[everyone but Mordecai gets up out of their seats to hug Don. Then, Mordecai follows, but Rigby tries to stop him by grabbing his arm]''
:'''Young Rigby''': DON'T YOU DARE!
:'''Young Mordecai''': I'm just getting some sugar, dude. ''[Rigby lets go of him]'' Besides, Don is cool.
:''[Mordecai goes to Don to give him sugar as everyone else laughs]''
:'''Rigby's Friend''': You're the best, Don!
:''[Young Rigby growls as ripple back to the present]''
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah. Don really made that party.
:'''Benson''': Call your brother.
:'''Rigby''': No.
:'''Benson''': ''CALL'' YOUR BROTHER!
:'''Rigby''': '''NO!''' I ''HATE'' HIM!!!
:'''Benson''': Fine! Mordecai, you call him.
:'''Rigby''': YOU BETTER NOT!
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, he could save the park.
:'''Rigby''': Dude, he could ruin my ''life!'' If he comes, I'm gonna tell him to leave!
:'''Benson''': No, you won't! You be nice to your brother  or you're FIRED! ''[to Mordecai]'' Call him.
:'''Mordecai''': ''[to Rigby]'' Dude, just be cool until he stops the audit.
:''[Rigby growls]''

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Don''': Benson, give me some sugar! ''[hugs Benson]'' Nice to meet you! ''[points to Pops]'' Hey, who's this guy?
:'''Pops''': I'm Pops!
:'''Don''': Pops, give me some sugar!
:'''Pops''': ''[runs laughing to Don and hugs him]''
:'''Don''': ''[hugs Skips]'' Don. Good to meet you. ''[to Mordecai]'' Look at this sugar shack. C'mere, guy! I haven't seen you in forever.
:'''Mordecai''': ''[hugs Don]'' Yeah, I know! It's been forever!
:'''Don''': Rigby, give me some sugar, bro!
:'''Rigby''': Don't you have taxies to do? Why don't you get to it?
:'''Don''': Oh, ha ha... he was always greedy with the sugar.
:'''Rigby''': AUGH...!! I can't wait for you to get out of my life!
:'''Don''': What, bro?
:'''Benson''': ''[mouthing angrily]'' You keep your mouth '''''shut!'''''
:'''Rigby''':  Nothing....

&lt;hr width=100%&gt; 
:'''Benson''': Where's DON?! ''[outside, Don is shown driving away, almost crying. The others run out after him]'' Don, Wait. ''[to the others]'' What happened? 
:'''Mordecai''': Rigby blew it, He wouldn't give Don sugar!
:'''Benson''': What?! '''''GO GIVE HIM SOME SUGAR!'''''
:'''Rigby''':  '''&lt;big&gt;NEVER!!!!!&lt;/big&gt;''' ''[runs away]''

===''Rigby's Body'' [1.6a]===
:'''Mordecai''': ''[groans]'' This... sucks.
:'''Rigby''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Mordecai''': It means that the next time we get to pick our job for the day, I get to pick. Why did you pick the snack bar?! This is like the worst job at the park, dude.
:'''Rigby''': I think it's the funnest job at the park.
:'''Mordecai''': You don't really think that. You just don't want to admit that you're wrong.
:'''Rigby''': Why would I admit something that I'm not?
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, seriously — this is more boring than watching you try to read a children's book.
:'''Rigby''': Is it more boring than your FACE?!
:'''Mordecai''': I don't know, is it more boring than my ''fist'' in your face?!
:'''Rigby''': Is it more boring than ''my'' fist in ''your'' face, you ''TURD''?!!
:'''Mordecai''': You're a turd!
:'''Rigby''': No, ''you're'' a turd!!
:'''Mordecai''': You're the turd!
:''[Mordecai and Rigby scuffle]''
:'''Pops''': Mordecai, Rigby! Stop! We can ''all'' be turds!
:''[...]''
:'''Mordecai &amp; Rigby''': Oh, hey Pops.

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, I'm telling you. If you keep eating like that, your body's gonna quit on you.
:'''Rigby''': Stop talking!
:'''Mordecai''': Whatever. I'm just trying to help.

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:''[at MM's and Fives' shift at the snack bar]''
:'''Muscle Man''': This...''sucks''! Wait.. what is that?
:''[a bucket on a roller blade squiggles closer and closer, at the door—]''
:'''Rigby''': GIMME SOME SNACKS!!!
:'''High Five Ghost''': What are ''you~?!''
:'''Muscle Man''': Looks like a bucket of diarrhea...
:'''Rigby''': It's me, Rigby!!
:'''Muscle Man''': Oh man! THAT BOOT WITH WHEELS STOLE RIGBY'S VOICE''!!''
:'''Rigby''': No! I didn't steal anything!
:'''Muscle Man''': You're not stealin' these voices! C'mon Fives, let's bail!! ''[runs off]''
:'''Rigby''': Come back!!
:'''Muscle Man''': No way, bro!
:'''Rigby''': It's me, Rigby!! ''[falls down]'' Aw, man!

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Skips''': Quick! Before the sun sets!
:'''Pops''': Glorious.
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, how do you feel?
:'''Rigby''': (Screaming)
:(Cut to the snack bar.)
:'''Rigby''': Well Mordecai, I guess you were right about the snack bar being lame. Especially now that we're not eating all the free snacks.
:'''Mordecai''': Oh, about that, those snacks weren't free.
:'''Rigby''': What?
:'''Mordecai''': Turns out. Only Pops gets snacks for free.
:'''Rigby''': Pops?
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah. And I guess we're supposed to work here for the next six months just to pay for it all.
:'''Rigby''': Oh, turds!

===''Mordecai and the Rigbys'' [1.6b]===
:'''Record Player''': Now, what is the first thing that all good musicians require?
:'''Mordecai''': Talent?
:'''Record Player''': Yes!...Good personal hygiene is the key to becoming a successful gentleman musician!!

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Yes, I wanna be in a band with you! Alright, but we’ve gotta have a cool band name. What do think of, &quot;Cool Dudes?&quot;
:'''Rigby''': &quot;Face Punch!&quot;
:'''Mordecai''': &quot;dude face punch sounds lame, why not AC/DC
:'''Rigby''': &quot;Helicopter Crash!&quot;
:'''Mordecai''': What about...&quot;dum-dum money eaters?&quot;
:'''Rigby''': That's it, THAT' S IT!!
:'''Mordecai''': Order the shirts! Order the shirts!

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Regular Show}}
[[Category:American television seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]
[[Category:Regular Show seasons]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3147495</id>
      <parentid>3147480</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:08:17Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Timmy.swartley.8</username>
        <id>3126758</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Don [1.5b] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="24504" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Seasons:''' [[Regular Show (season 1)|1]] [[Regular Show (season 2)|2]] [[Regular Show (season 3)|3]] [[Regular Show (season 4)|4]] [[Regular Show (season 5)|5]] [[Regular Show (season 6)|6]] [[Regular Show (season 7)|7]] [[Regular Show (season 8)|8]] | [[Regular Show: The Movie|Film]] | [[Regular Show|Main]]
----

The following is a list of quotes from the first season of ''[[Regular Show]]''.

===''The Power'' [1.1a]===
:''[First lines of the series]''
:'''Rigby''': Alright, Beef Burrito. I'm gonna give you one more chance to take back what you said about my mom! ''[A Beef Burrito doll lies silently on the floor]'' I'LL ''KILL'' YOU!!!
:''[He pats his elbow and jumps onto a trampoline, body-slamming the doll. He then elbows the doll multiple times, and body slams it once more. He picks up the doll and moves its arm, making it punch himself in the face. Behind him, Mordecai is calling to him]''
:'''Mordecai''': Tag up! Tag up!
:''[Pretending to be weakened, Rigby walks over to Mordecai and high-fives him. As Rigby drinks a soda, Mordecai pulls the Beef Burrito doll away. Rigby slams the soda can onto the ground and lets out a ferocious cry. Mordecai sets the doll up next to a bed before walking away onto the shelves]''
:'''Rigby''': What?! ''[silence]'' Oh, you want us to put the hurt on you? ''[Mordecai grabs Rigby]'' I think he wants me to put the hurt on him!
:'''Mordecai''': I think he wants you to put the hurt on him!
:'''Rigby''': You think he wants me to put the hurt on him?!
:'''Mordecai''': Yes, I do!
:''[Mordecai &amp; Rigby scream. Mordecai throws Rigby down onto the trampoline, launching him into the wall. The impact leaves a large hole in the wall and Rigby ends up in a trash can]''
:'''Rigby''': Uhhh..... ''[Stands up]'' Uuuuhhhhyyyy.... ''[Removes trash can]'' Yea-uh!! Did you see how awesome it was when I hit the trampoline?
:'''Mordecai''': Hahahaha! Yeah, I did! But it wasn't as awesome as when you punched that hole in the wall!
:''[They both begin laughing]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': I can't believe I listened to you! I knew should've gone out to do some work, but no — let's wrestle this stupid doll, it'll be fun.
:'''Rigby''': But it was fun.
:'''Mordecai''': Well, yeah, but... now there's a big hole in the wall! Dude, we're 23-years-old. We shouldn't be bustin' holes in walls, we're gonna get ''FIRED'' for this!
:'''Rigby''': You mean ''you're'' gonna get fired for this.
:'''Mordecai''': What?!
:'''Rigby''': You're the one who threw me too hard, ya hole!
:'''Mordecai''': Don't call me a hole! You're the hole! You're the one who wanted to wrestle! 
:'''Rigby''': Okay, okay! Let's not blame anyone. Now, how in the H are we gonna fix this S? ''[In reruns, the line is changed to &quot;Now, how in the heck are we gonna fix this stuff?&quot;]''
:'''Mordecai''': I dunno, man. Ugh, we can't fix it and we definitely can't pay for it, cos we don't have any money. Unless you had some money.
:'''Rigby''': No. Besides, I don't even know how much it cost to fix a hole like this. Probably a ton.
:'''Mordecai''': Exactly. Which leaves us with only one possible solution. We convince Benson to give us raises so we can afford to pay someone else to fix it.
:'''Rigby''': Dude. ''[beat]'' ..You are a ''genius''! Of course, raises!
:'''Mordecai''': Okay, dude, here's—
:'''Rigby''': Let me stop you there because I already know what you're going to say — hamboning.
:'''Mordecai''': What?
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, dude! Hamboning! We just go up to Benson and we'll be all like, &quot;We both want raises.&quot; ''[starts hamboning, but mordecai pushes him away]''
:'''Mordecai''': No, man, Stop it. We just need to ask him for a raise and just explain all the—
:'''Rigby''': No, no, no! That's not gonna work! What're ya, 65?! &quot;Excuse me, sir, can I have a raise?&quot; ''C'MON''!! I'm tellin' ya, dude! ''Hamboning~''!!
:'''Mordecai''': No...
:'''Rigby''': Hamboning will save your life someday! You'll be all like, &quot;What? You tryin' to mug me?&quot; ''[starts hamboning again and mordecai shoves him away]''
:'''Mordecai''': No!! We're not doing that. okay?! OKAY?!?!
:'''Rigby''': Fine...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': Ha-ha-ha! We did it. Yeah! Hey, that's mine!
:'''Benson''': Nope. You sent him to the moon so the least you can do is give him your keyboard. Right, Skips?
:'''Skips''': Right. (Smashes the piano.)
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': Aww!
:'''Benson''': And let's have it.
:'''Rigby''': What?
:'''Benson''': ''(Turning red) '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; THE $40 YOU TWO CONNED OUT OF ME WITH THAT STUPID KEYBOARD CRAP! I know you still got it. Now give it... back.'''  (Rigby sighs then gives Benson the two $20 notes.) (Dark Red) '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:maroon&quot;&gt; NOW CLEAN UP THIS MESS OR YOU'RE FIRED!''' Ugh, can you believe this?
:'''Skips''': No. (Door Shuts)

===''Just Set Up the Chairs'' [1.1b]===
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, how came we're always stuck with the lame jobs? Settin' up the chairs??
:'''Rigby''': ''LAAAAA~ME!!!''
:'''Benson''': I can't trust you guys with something actually important. You're always slacking off!
:'''Mordecai''': You callin' us slackers?
:'''Rigby''': Did he!? Did you!?
:'''Mordecai''': He's callin' us slackers. Look dude, we can totally set up all those chairs without slacking off.
:'''Benson''': Good. Do it then.
:'''Mordecai''': We will.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah. And then next time you'll get someone ELSE.. to set up the chairs?
:''[Benson looks at Mordecai, shrugs]''
:'''Benson''': Fine.
:'''Mordecai &amp; Rigby''': OOOOHHHHH!!!! Not settin' up the chairs next time! Not settin' up the chairs next time! UUHH!
:'''Benson''': ...Just set up the chairs...

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Benson''': '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; YOU!!!'''
:'''Mordecai''': Woah! Hey Benson. Before you freak out, we totally set up those chairs.
:''[pan left to see cheering kids, Muscle Man and Hi Five Ghost seated in a moat of fire]''
:'''Muscle Man''': Wooo!! This birthday party's hot.
:'''Rigby''': So we're cool, right?
:'''Benson''': '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; YOU IDIOTS!! That's the last time I entrust you with something very important, LIKE THE CHAIRS!!!'''
:''[beat.]''
:'''Mordecai &amp; Rigby''': OOOOHHHHH!!!! Not settin' up the chairs next time! Not settin' up the chairs next time!
:'''Benson''': '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; But you ARE going to clean up this mess, and you can start by sweeping up the special entertainment.'''
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah, no problem!
:'''Rigby''': We got it.
:'''Mordecai''': Don't worry about us!
:'''Rigby''': ...We're gonna take a break first, right?
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah.

===''Caffeinated Concert Tickets'' [1.2a]===
:'''Mordecai''': You know, at first I thought you were cool, but now I know that you're both total losers.
:'''Rigby''': Everybody hates you!
:'''Mordecai''': Oh, and I just realized something...
:'''Translator''': What?
:'''Mordecai''': Your coffee...sucks.
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': OOOOHHHHHHH!!!!
Benson: You morons get back here and help me pickup my gumballs!

===''Death Punchies'' [1.2b]===
:'''Rigby''': Aw, what?! I wanted to be player one!
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, I'M player one. YOU'RE player two.
:'''Rigby''': I don't wanna be player two! He just digs with the sucky pickaxe. I want the one with the shovel.
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, they're exactly the same!
:'''Rigby''': Then why don't YOU be player two?
:'''Mordecai''': ''[scoffs]'' I'm not usin' that stinky pickaxe.
:'''Rigby''': HAH! SEE?!

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': We-oo! We-oo! We-oo! ''[imitating a doctor]'' Quick, doctor. Both of these buttcheeks are unrecognizable! If we want anybody to recognize this as a butt in the future, then we're gonna have to do a complete butt transplant, STAT!
:'''Rigby''': STOP TALKING!!! There was only damage to the one cheek and you know it.
:'''Mordecai''': ''[laughs]'' That's right. We used to call you the &quot;One-Cheek Wonder!&quot; Dude, I'm bringing it back.
:'''Rigby''': You better not.
:'''Muscle Man''': Is that One-Cheek Wonder? I hope he's not trying to play punchies will cheeks like those!

===''Free Cake'' [1.3a]===
:'''Rigby''': There's that chocolate cake at the snack bar!
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah...but Benson will only let you have it for free if it's your birthday.
:'''Rigby''': Who's to say it's not my birthday?
:'''Mordecai''': ...Who's to say it's not MY birthday?
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': FREE CAKE! FREE CAKE!!
:'''Benson''': It's NEITHER of your birthdays.
:'''Rigby''': Aw, man! He's killing us with that.
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': No cake....no cake....
:'''Pops''': ''{appears from inside the bushes}'' But it IS Skips' birthday!
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': FREE CAKE! FREE CAKE!!
:'''Benson''': But he's really private about it.
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': No cake....no cake....
:'''Benson''': Come to think of it, I don't think we've EVER had a party for Skips.

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Wedding Entryman''': Do you know the bride, or the groom?
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': Uhhhh...
:'''Mordecai''': The one with the cake?
:'''Wedding Entryman''': ''[quickly closes red rope to wedding]''
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': UUUUUUHH...
Benson: But if you morons are lying to me, YOU’LL BE ON DISH DUTY FOR THE NEXT MONTH!!

===''Meat Your Maker'' [1.3b]===
:'''Mordecai''': ''[puts arms up]''
:'''Rigby''': No. No, don't.
:'''Mordecai''': It's too late. ''[begins to move arms together]''
:'''Rigby''': Come on dude, don't.
:'''Mordecai''': It's already in motion.
:'''Rigby''': Well, put it out of motion!
:'''Mordecai''': ''[crosses arms]'' You pissed/ticked me off. 

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Just give it up, dude. I knew you couldn't fix it...
:'''Rigby''': Dude, I fix stuff all the time!
:'''Mordecai''': No, you don't.
:'''Rigby''': What do you mean?!
:'''Mordecai''': The cart, the shoes, the party, that other party...
:'''Rigby''': Stop right there! You know Muscle Man pushed me!
:'''Mordecai''': Muscle Man wasn't even there!!
:'''Rigby''': Fine, I'll fix it.

===''Grilled Cheese Deluxe'' [1.4a]===
:'''Benson''': What are you doing with my sandwich?!
:'''Mordecai''': What?
:'''Rigby''': Don't worry. I'll take care of this with my specialty. This isn't your sandwich. This is ''our'' sandwich.
:'''Benson''': This is your sandwich, huh? Then how come it says &quot;Benson&quot; on the BAG?!?
:'''Rigby''': Huh? It's supposed to say &quot;Rigby,&quot; but they misspelled my name wrong.
:'''Benson''': ''[goes red]'' '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; STOP LYING!!!'''
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, I thought you said you bought this!
:'''Benson''': '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; NO, HE DIDN'T BUY IT!!! NOW GET ''OFF'' YOUR LAZY BUTTS, AND GO GET ME ANOTHER ''GRILLED CHEESE DELUXE!!!''''' ''[furiously slams the door]''
:'''Mordecai''': ''[groans]'' You ruined our day off.
:'''Rigby:''' Ah, don’t worry, dude. The line won’t be ''that'' long.

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Benson''': Where have you been? I’ve been waiting all day! ''(Mordecai gives Benson his burned Grilled Cheese Deluxe)'' What the--What happened to my sandwich?!
:'''Rigby''': ''[rambling]'' There were spacemen...at Cheezers...and the two...we went down and...everyone wore sweatpants...even us...and then the room...with the bad stuff...but...we saved the city with your sandwich.
:'''Benson''': ''[sighs]'' Why do you ''always'' have to lie to my face?
:'''Mordecai''': We ran it over by accident.
:'''Benson''': See? Was it ''so hard'' to tell the truth...?

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:''[Jones and Barry throw Mordecai and Rigby out of their van]''
:'''Jones''': (angry) If YOU ever lie about being astronauts again, '''YOU’RE DEAD!!'''
:'''Rigby''': We Saved The City, Astro!-- ''(The astronauts throw the Cheezer's bag at Rigby and their van drives away.)''

===''The Unicorns Have Got to Go'' [1.4b]===
:'''Rigby''': If you buy that cologne, then I'm gonna lose all respect for you!
:'''Mordecai''': Good. Then we'll both have the same amount of respect for each other.

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, these guys aren't trying to help me. They're just messing with me.
:'''Rigby''': Dude, they're just partying.
:'''Mordecai''': How is this supposed to help me get the ladies?
:'''Rigby''': They got you a lady.
:''(We see a long-haired man with an open green shirt on a chair in the corner. He has stubble on his chin, a necklace, wristbands, blue jeans, and cowboy boots)''
:'''Mordecai''': That's not a lady. ''(approaches Billy, who's drinking soda with the 2nd Unicorn. He puts his hand on Billy's shoulder)'' Hey, I thought you were gonna help me with Margaret.
:'''Billy''': ''(angrily)'' Something's touching me! ''(elbows Mordecai, who flies onto the floor. The unicorns laugh)''
:'''Rigby''': Hey, bros, check this out. ''(approaches Mordecai)'' Here, let me help you up. ''(He pulls his hand away at the last second)'' Psych! Why don't you ask Margaret to help you up? Ohhhhh!
:''(The unicorns all laugh)''
:'''Mordecai''': (Looking very aggressive) You know what, Rigby? Have fun with your new friends, you jerk. Oh, and just so you know, when Benson finds out about your friends and their little hangout time, he's probably gonna fire you. Later, bro! ''(leaves)''
:'''Rigby''': ''(worried)'' Mordecai, wait. ''(the door shuts off-screen)''
:'''Jimmy''': ''(from upstairs)'' Bros! I found a trampoline!
:'''Rigby''': No! ''(runs up to his room)'' What are you doing to my bed?!
:'''Jimmy''': You sleep on this, bro?
:'''Rigby''': Get off it.
:'''Jimmy''': Right after this somersault. ''(flips in mid air and his horn rips the trampoline, falling to the floor. Rigby gasps)'' Bros, this trampoline's all over me! Help me get it off!
:''(The unicorns run in, chanting 'bros', and in a matter of seconds reduce the trampoline to torn fabric and twisted metal)''
:'''Rigby''': My bed!
:''(Billy and 3rd Unicorn are shown by the closet door)''
:'''Billy''': Hey, bro. You know this ''nerd?''
:''(They open the closet door to show Benson, bound, gagged, and suspended from a coat hook. Benson rages from behind his gag, but his words are unintelligible)''
:'''Billy''': Check this out. ''(gets some gumballs out of Benson and eats them)'' What's the matter, Rigbone? You like that nerd or something?
:'''3rd Unicorn''': ''(taps Rigby's shoulder)'' Yeah, dude. Chill out. And have a ''DRINK!'' ''(sprays him with a soda can, temporarily blinding Rigby)''
:''(In his confusion, Rigby stumbles between the unicorns, who have formed a circle with the intention of repeatedly farting on him)''

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': Hey, Skips...
:'''Rigby''': We have a problem.
:'''Skips''': Unicorns?
:'''Rigby''': How'd you know?
:'''Skips''': They peed on my lawn.

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:''(Scene cuts to daytime, with a close-up of a hand turning a valve and Water is shown flying from a hose. Benson is hosing down Mordecai and Rigby, who are screaming after getting soaked)''
:'''Benson:''' ''(angrily)'' I can't believe you idiots let those unicorns in here! You two morons had better get this mess cleaned up, or you'll wish it was '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; ''YOU'' DRIVING THAT CAR!!!'''
:'''Rigby:''' The unicorn one? ''(Benson sprays Rigby with the hose and Rigby falls over screaming)'' '''''COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD!!!!'''''
:'''Benson:''' ''(to Mordecai)'' '''And ''YOU!!!''''' ''(Mordecai screams, shaking in fear)'' Quit spraying that cologne! It's not gonna get you any ladies. Idiots... ''(walks away)''

===''Prank Callers'' [1.5a]===
:'''Mordecai''': ''[calls Benson]''
:'''Benson''': Hello?
:'''Mordecai''': Hey, Benson, got any books by.....Joe Mama!?
:'''Benson''': Who is this?
:''[Mordecai and Rigby laugh loudly]''
:'''Benson''': ''[from phone]'' Wherever this is coming from, I will track you down and I will find you...!
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, he's still on the phone!
:'''Rigby''': He's STILL on the phone!?
:'''Mordecai''': He's STILL ON THE PHONE!!!
:''[both convulse in fits of laughter]''

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Benson''': (bangs the door open and storms in) Hang up that phone! You think your little pranks are funny, huh? You think they're funny? Well, what do you guys think of my prank? Ring ring! Hello, what's that? Mordecai and Rigby are banned using the house phone? Okay. ''(Goes red and angrily smashes the phone) '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; GOOD LUCK MAKING YOUR PRANK CALLS NOW!!!!''' (Slams the door furiously)''
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, let's use Pops' phone.

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai's Voice''': &quot;Hello?&quot;
:'''Master Prank Caller''': 'This is the Master Prank Caller telling you—'
:'''Mordecai's Voice''': &quot;Hello?&quot;
:'''Master Prank Caller''': 'I said this is the Master Prank—'
:'''Mordecai's Voice''': &quot;Hello? I-I'm sorry, I can't hear you.&quot;
:'''Master Prank Caller''': [frustrated] 'I SAID THIS IS THE MASTER PRANK CALLER—!!'
:'''Mordecai's Voice''': &quot;Hello? Hello, are you there?&quot;
:'''Master Prank Caller''': '''''RRRGH!!!''''' ''[WOOSH]'' I SAID—!!
:'''Mordecai's Voice''': &quot;Ha ha! Just kidding. You just got pranked, loser!&quot; ''[BEEP]''
:'''Master Prank Caller''': '''''NNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!'''''

===''Don'' [1.5b]===
:'''Benson''': Hey, you two! Quit fooling around we’re having an emergency meeting!
:'''Mordecai''': Aw, what?
:'''Rigby''': Boo!
:'''Benson''': Outside now!

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Benson''': Okay. We only have TILL 3:00 to stop the audit. Does anyone know someone who can help us? Anybody? Anybody at all?
:'''Muscle Man''': I know someone who can help...
:'''Benson''': ''[angrily]'' If you say your mom, you're fired.
:'''Muscle Man''': ''[long pause]'' My mom!
:'''Benson''': GET OUT!
:'''Muscle Man''': It was worth it. ''[he and High Five Ghost high-five and walk away]''
:'''Mordecai''': ''[thinks]'' Hmmm... Hmph. Hey! ''[looks at Rigby]'' We know someone.
:'''Rigby''': We do? ''[Mordecai raises his arms. Suddenly, Rigby knows who he's referring to]'' No! No way!
:'''Benson''': What? If you know somebody, you've got to tell me.
:'''Mordecai''': Rigby has a brother. ''[Rigby punches him in the butt]'' And he's an accountant. ''[Rigby punches him again, rapidly]''
:'''Rigby''': SHUT UP!
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, what do you have against Don?
:''[Rigby gets mad, on the verge of crying. A ripple leads us to a flashback of Rigby's sixth birthday party. Pans down from the banner to a young Rigby]''
:'''Young Rigby''': Guys, guys, guys! ''[zooms out to reveal four bored children, one of them a young Mordecai]'' Watch me blow out the candle, guys! 
:''[A door opens. Rigby's younger brother, Don, stands in the doorway. Somehow, he is taller than Rigby]''
:'''Young Don''': Hey, Rigby. Happy birthday, bro.
:'''Young Rigby''': Wha? Wha? '''I told you to stay in the basement.'''
:'''Young Don''': Oh. Sorry, Rigby. I just wanted to give you some birthday sugar.
:'''Young Rigby''': I DON'T WANT YOUR FREAKING SUGAR!
:'''Rigby's Friend 1''': I'll give you some sugar, Don.
:'''Rigby's Friend 2''': Yeah, me too. ''[giggles]''
:''[everyone but Mordecai gets up out of their seats to hug Don. Then, Mordecai follows, but Rigby tries to stop him by grabbing his arm]''
:'''Young Rigby''': DON'T YOU DARE!
:'''Young Mordecai''': I'm just getting some sugar, dude. ''[Rigby lets go of him]'' Besides, Don is cool.
:''[Mordecai goes to Don to give him sugar as everyone else laughs]''
:'''Rigby's Friend''': You're the best, Don!
:''[Young Rigby growls as ripple back to the present]''
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah. Don really made that party.
:'''Benson''': Call your brother.
:'''Rigby''': No.
:'''Benson''': ''CALL'' YOUR BROTHER!
:'''Rigby''': '''NO!''' I ''HATE'' HIM!!!
:'''Benson''': Fine! Mordecai, you call him.
:'''Rigby''': YOU BETTER NOT!
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, he could save the park.
:'''Rigby''': Dude, he could ruin my ''life!'' If he comes, I'm gonna tell him to leave!
:'''Benson''': No, you won't! You be nice to your brother  or you're FIRED! ''[to Mordecai]'' Call him.
:'''Mordecai''': ''[to Rigby]'' Dude, just be cool until he stops the audit.
:''[Rigby growls]''

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Don''': Benson, give me some sugar! ''[hugs Benson]'' Nice to meet you! ''[points to Pops]'' Hey, who's this guy?
:'''Pops''': I'm Pops!
:'''Don''': Pops, give me some sugar!
:'''Pops''': ''[runs laughing to Don and hugs him]''
:'''Don''': ''[hugs Skips]'' Don. Good to meet you. ''[to Mordecai]'' Look at this sugar shack. C'mere, guy! I haven't seen you in forever.
:'''Mordecai''': ''[hugs Don]'' Yeah, I know! It's been forever!
:'''Don''': Rigby, give me some sugar, bro!
:'''Rigby''': Don't you have taxies to do? Why don't you get to it?
:'''Don''': Oh, ha ha... he was always greedy with the sugar.
:'''Rigby''': AUGH...!! I can't wait for you to get out of my life!
:'''Don''': What, bro?
:'''Benson''': ''[mouthing angrily]'' You keep your mouth '''''shut!'''''
:'''Rigby''':  Nothing....

&lt;hr width=100%&gt; 
:'''Benson''': Where's DON?! ''[outside, Don is shown driving away, almost crying. The others run out after him]'' Don, Wait. ''[to the others]'' What happened? 
:'''Mordecai''': Rigby blew it, He wouldn't give Don sugar!
:'''Benson''': What?! '''''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; GO GIVE HIM SOME SUGAR!'''''
:'''Rigby''':  '''&lt;big&gt;NEVER!!!!!&lt;/big&gt;''' ''[runs away]''

===''Rigby's Body'' [1.6a]===
:'''Mordecai''': ''[groans]'' This... sucks.
:'''Rigby''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Mordecai''': It means that the next time we get to pick our job for the day, I get to pick. Why did you pick the snack bar?! This is like the worst job at the park, dude.
:'''Rigby''': I think it's the funnest job at the park.
:'''Mordecai''': You don't really think that. You just don't want to admit that you're wrong.
:'''Rigby''': Why would I admit something that I'm not?
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, seriously — this is more boring than watching you try to read a children's book.
:'''Rigby''': Is it more boring than your FACE?!
:'''Mordecai''': I don't know, is it more boring than my ''fist'' in your face?!
:'''Rigby''': Is it more boring than ''my'' fist in ''your'' face, you ''TURD''?!!
:'''Mordecai''': You're a turd!
:'''Rigby''': No, ''you're'' a turd!!
:'''Mordecai''': You're the turd!
:''[Mordecai and Rigby scuffle]''
:'''Pops''': Mordecai, Rigby! Stop! We can ''all'' be turds!
:''[...]''
:'''Mordecai &amp; Rigby''': Oh, hey Pops.

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, I'm telling you. If you keep eating like that, your body's gonna quit on you.
:'''Rigby''': Stop talking!
:'''Mordecai''': Whatever. I'm just trying to help.

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:''[at MM's and Fives' shift at the snack bar]''
:'''Muscle Man''': This...''sucks''! Wait.. what is that?
:''[a bucket on a roller blade squiggles closer and closer, at the door—]''
:'''Rigby''': GIMME SOME SNACKS!!!
:'''High Five Ghost''': What are ''you~?!''
:'''Muscle Man''': Looks like a bucket of diarrhea...
:'''Rigby''': It's me, Rigby!!
:'''Muscle Man''': Oh man! THAT BOOT WITH WHEELS STOLE RIGBY'S VOICE''!!''
:'''Rigby''': No! I didn't steal anything!
:'''Muscle Man''': You're not stealin' these voices! C'mon Fives, let's bail!! ''[runs off]''
:'''Rigby''': Come back!!
:'''Muscle Man''': No way, bro!
:'''Rigby''': It's me, Rigby!! ''[falls down]'' Aw, man!

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Skips''': Quick! Before the sun sets!
:'''Pops''': Glorious.
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, how do you feel?
:'''Rigby''': (Screaming)
:(Cut to the snack bar.)
:'''Rigby''': Well Mordecai, I guess you were right about the snack bar being lame. Especially now that we're not eating all the free snacks.
:'''Mordecai''': Oh, about that, those snacks weren't free.
:'''Rigby''': What?
:'''Mordecai''': Turns out. Only Pops gets snacks for free.
:'''Rigby''': Pops?
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah. And I guess we're supposed to work here for the next six months just to pay for it all.
:'''Rigby''': Oh, turds!

===''Mordecai and the Rigbys'' [1.6b]===
:'''Record Player''': Now, what is the first thing that all good musicians require?
:'''Mordecai''': Talent?
:'''Record Player''': Yes!...Good personal hygiene is the key to becoming a successful gentleman musician!!

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Yes, I wanna be in a band with you! Alright, but we’ve gotta have a cool band name. What do think of, &quot;Cool Dudes?&quot;
:'''Rigby''': &quot;Face Punch!&quot;
:'''Mordecai''': &quot;dude face punch sounds lame, why not AC/DC
:'''Rigby''': &quot;Helicopter Crash!&quot;
:'''Mordecai''': What about...&quot;dum-dum money eaters?&quot;
:'''Rigby''': That's it, THAT' S IT!!
:'''Mordecai''': Order the shirts! Order the shirts!

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Regular Show}}
[[Category:American television seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]
[[Category:Regular Show seasons]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Regular Show (season 2)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>187346</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147525</id>
      <parentid>3138528</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:16:46Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Timmy.swartley.8</username>
        <id>3126758</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* High Score [2.4a] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="39677" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
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:'''Seasons:''' [[Regular Show (season 1)|1]] [[Regular Show (season 2)|2]] [[Regular Show (season 3)|3]] [[Regular Show (season 4)|4]] [[Regular Show (season 5)|5]] [[Regular Show (season 6)|6]] [[Regular Show (season 7)|7]] [[Regular Show (season 8)|8]] | [[Regular Show: The Movie|Film]] | [[Regular Show|Main]]
----

The following is a list of quotes from the second season of ''[[Regular Show]]''.

===''Ello Gov'nor'' [2.1a]===
*'''Rigby''': (screams) Mordecai! Wake up! Wake up!
*'''Mordecai''': (in taxi's voice) Ello, &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt; gov'nor!&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;  (turns around to show that his eyes are lit up like carlights. Rigby screams and step back. Mordecai sits up and the British taxi comes out of his body and comes toward Rigby before nightmare ends. Rigby wakes up, screaming, until he gets hit by a pillow thrown by Mordecai.)
*'''Mordecai''': Dude, chill out. You're screaming like a freaking maniac!
*'''Rigby''': I keep having nightmares and bad dreams!
*'''Mordecai''': Just dream about something else then. (lies back down) Dream like you're a tough guy or something.
*'''Rigby''': (trying to sleep) I'm a tough guy. (He says &quot;tough guy&quot; repeatedly).
*''(In his dream, he is a tough guy named Fists and is walking down the street at nighttime.)''
*'''Fists''': They say this city's tough. But I'm tougher. (walks into a dark alley, and a gangster with half of his hair shaved off follows him with a knife)
*'''Gangster''': You walked down the wrong alley, Riggerson. (Fists pins him against the wall.)
*'''Fists''': The name's... (pulls fist back) ...Fists! (He's about to punch him, but then, the taxi comes and shines its lights on him and the gangster.)
*'''British Taxi''': Ello, gov'nor!
*''Fists screams before taxi drives into Fists and gangster''.
:'''Rigby''': (Screams awake again.)
:'''Mordecai''': (Groans angrily with his hands crunching) What the heck, Rigby?!
:'''Rigby''': It's that stupid British taxi. It's all inside my brain!
:'''Mordecai''': Ugh, I knew it. I knew this would happen! I told you we shouldn't have watched that movie.
:'''Rigby''': I know, I'm sorry, I can't help it.
:'''Mordecai''': Ah, all right, dude, we're just gonna desensitize you the horror. We're gonna watch Ello Gov'nor over and over again, until you stop being scared.
:''[later, in the living room]''
:'''Mordecai''': ''[as he pushes Rigby against the screen]'' Look at it. ''Look at it.'' It's not real! You can see the microphone showing!!
:'''Rigby''': Let me go!!
:'''Mordecai''': LOOK AT IT!!
:'''Rigby''': Get off me!
:'''Mordecai''': I'm sick of you keeping me up! You look at it.
:'''Rigby''': LET ME GO!
:'''Mordecai''': LOOK AT IT!!
:'''Rigby''': '''LET ME GO!!'''
:'''Mordecai''': Look at it. Look...at it...you look at it, you...look at it.
:'''Rigby''': Let... me GO!! (Throws the cover)
:'''Benson''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt; '''What the heck is going on?!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Rigby's just freaked off by this stupid dumb British movie we watched.
:'''Benson''': Well you'd better have this place cleaned up by the time I get back from my cricket game.
:'''Mordecai''': Cricket?
:'''Benson''': Yeah. I'm trying new things.. So what.
:'''Mordecai''': (gasps) Will British people be there?
:'''Benson''': It's cricket. What do you think?

===''It's Time'' [2.1b]===
:'''Mordecai''': All right, dude. I'll go to the movie with you. Just call it of with her.
:'''Rigby''': ''[scoffs]'' Yeah, right. I'm not going with you. You had your chance to ask her and you blew it. YOU BLEW IT!
:'''Mordecai''': ''[groans]'' Come on, dude...just give me another chance.
:'''Rigby''': Okay...I'll give you another chance if you admit that you're ''jealous''.
:'''Mordecai''': No!! I'm not jealous!
:'''Rigby''': Then I guess ''I'm'' still going out with Margaret! OOOOOOHHHHH! YOU BLEW IT AGAIN, YOU BLEW IT AGAIN!

===''Appreciation Day'' [2.2a]===
:'''Rigby''': Whoa.
:'''Mordecai &amp; Rigby''': Cool!
:'''Benson''': I'll take that! I don't know what's been going on here or why you two jokers have my book, so you had better clean this mess up starting now, OR '''YOU'RE BOTH FIRED!!'''
:'''Mordecai''': What mess?
:'''Benson''': ''[He looks around and sees no mess at all]'' Uh—
:'''Rigby''': We did all the job you asked us to do.
:'''Benson''': ... Skips, let's get outta here.
:''[Benson gets in the golf cart, then Benson and Skips drive away]''
:'''Rigby''': What? Still no appreciation plaques?

===''Peeps'' [2.2b]===
:'''Margaret''': Hey, guys. What's with the cameras?
:'''Mordecai''': These? Um... we're making an indie documentary.
:'''Margaret''': Whoa, that's cool!
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah...it's pretty obscure...art-house stuff...
:'''Rigby''': It's so indie, only one dude's gonna see it!
:'''Margaret''': What's it called?
:'''Benson''': ''[on mic] It's called &quot;Slackers 2: The Return of Mordecai and Rigby To Their Jobs&quot;. [on watch]'' Break's over!
:'''Mordecai''': Uh, I guess we'll take two lattes.
:'''Benson''': ''TO GO!!''

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Oh! Uh, hey, Benson! We were just getting back to work!
:'''Benson''': It's okay, Mordecai. I trust you.
:'''Mordecai''': Really?
:'''Benson''': Of course I do! Because now I have this! ''[sets up camera]'' Say hello to Peeps. It's a surveillance system! Now I'll be able to see what you're up to all the time! 24/7, 365. Isn't that great? Well, I'll let you guys finish your work. And remember: I'm watching you. ''[walks away]''
:'''Rigby''': Dude, I don't think Benson trusts us at all!

===''Dizzy'' [2.3a]===
:'''Benson''': It's always good to have you at the park, Mr. Maellard...sir.
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Don't try to fraternize with me, Bert.
:'''Benson''': Actually, sir, my name is &quot;Benson&quot;.
:'''Mr. Maellard''': ''I KNOW WHAT YOUR NAME IS, BEANBAG!!'' So everything is ready for the unveiling of the new statue today, right, ''Beanbag''?
:'''Benson''': Yes, sir. The catering's all set and the sound system is in place.
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Good. Great. There's only one thing missing — my son, ''Pops''!! When I told him he had to give a speech today, he ran away, crying! I didn't invite all my friends and waste a lot of money for nothing. Right, Beenteen?
:'''Benson''': Uh... no, sir.
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Now go find Pops so he can give his speech, or you're FIRED!! Underline, FIRED!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Benson''': I can't find Pops! Did you see him?
:'''Skips''': No! I checked everywhere!
:'''Benson''': Muscle Man! Have you seen Pops at all today?
:'''Muscle Man''': Yeah. And you know who else has seen Pops today?
:'''Benson''': Who? Your mom?
:'''Muscle Man''': I wasn't gonna say that!! Why does everyone always think I'm going to say &quot;my mom&quot;?! I saw Pops earlier by the playground with those two losers.
:'''Benson''': Oh, great. Mordecai and Rigby found him first.
:'''Skips''': We better find him ''quick''!

===''My Mom'' [2.3b]===
:'''Muscle Man''': You know who else has the best tacos in the city?
:'''Rigby''': Dude, Benson will blow a fuse if he finds out we were slacking off!
:'''Muscle Man''': You know who else would blow a fuse if she found out we were slacking off?
:'''Mordecai''': We don't have time for this!
:'''Muscle Man''': You know who else doesn't have time for this!?
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': UGH!!
:'''Muscle Man''': You know who else says &quot;ugh&quot;?! '''MY MOM!!!!'''

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Muscle Man''': Are you making fun of my mom?!?! YOU'RE MAKING FUN OF MY MOM!! NO-ONE ''MAKES FUN OF MY MOM!!!''
:'''John''': &quot;''Yo, little brother! My ears are ringin! Is someone makin fun of our mom!?'' &quot;
:'''Muscle Man''': Yeah, they are bro!
:'''John''': &quot;''Oh no bro!'' &quot;
:'''Muscle Man''': I know bro!
:'''John''': &quot;''That's it! I'm comin up there!'' &quot;

===''High Score'' [2.4a]===
:'''Mordecai:''' (groans) What now? Look, we're working. See!
:'''Rigby:''' Yeah, we're never gonna get done if you keep checking up on us!
:'''Benson:''' It's payday, fellas.
:''(Mordecai and Rigby run towards Benson)''
:'''Mordecai:''' Yeah-yuh!
:'''Rigby:''' Aww, nice! My favorite day of the every other week!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Oh hey, Benson. What're you doin here?
:'''Benson''': I thought about what you guys said earlier and so I've come down to give you those checks you wanted.
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': Oh wow, thanks!
:'''Benson''': BUT now that I'm covered in BRAIN GOO, I realized my mistake! ''[shreds and throws checks]'' '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; You want to waste your lives playing video games, we'll then fine! '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; I '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; RESPECT''' '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; YOUR DECISION!!''' '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; JUST DON'T DO IT ON MY TIME HERE EVER AGAIN!!'''
:''[beat.]''
:'''Mordecai''': I can respect that.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, that's cool.

===''Rage Against the TV'' [2.4b]===
:'''Rigby''': Oh no, not this guy! We Never beat this guy!
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, we're going to do it this time, come on. Hit him! Hit him!
:'''Rigby''': I am hitting him! Nothing's happening!
:'''Mordecai''': Aw, dude! Try kicking him in the junk! Kick him in the junk! Kick him in the junk!
:'''Rigby''': ''I'M'' kicking him in the junk!
:'''Mordecai''': Well, keep doing it!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Muscle Man''': Who is it?
:'''Mordecai''': It's us.
:'''Muscle Man''': What do you want?
:'''Mordecai''': We wanna borrow your TV!
:'''Muscle Man''': Why?
:'''Mordecai''': Because. We're about to beat The Hammer.
:'''Muscle Man''': WHAT? (''SLAM'') NOBODY can beat The Hammer! It's impossible.
:'''Mordecai''': Pft! Not for us. Will you let us borrow your TV or not?
:'''Muscle Man''': Yeah. You can borrow it... if you can tell me what The Hammer looks like.
:'''Mordecai''': He's blue, with a black mullet.
:'''Muscle Man''': Fives!
:''[Fives scrolls thru Video Game Power Mag to see stats for The Hammer]''
:'''Hi Five Ghost''': Uh-huh.
:'''Muscle Man''': Oh man!
:'''Rigby''': So can we borrow it?
:'''Muscle Man''': Yeah, you can borrow it. So we can watch you LOSE!! Ahaha! WOOO!!! WOOHOO!!! This is gonna be hilari-uhh! (''CRUNCH!!'')
:''[beat]''
:'''Rigby''': Does Benson have a TV?!

===''Party Pete'' [2.5a]===
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': We gonna party!
:'''Mordecai''': Got some chips, got some dip!
:'''Rigby''': Some call me cheap, bit of a free loada, but I﻿ bought cups for that old school soda!
:'''Mordecai''': I dont need to brag, I dont mean to boast, but here's some hummus for these mini toasts!
:'''Rigby''': HUMMUS!
:'''Mordecai''': HUMMUUS!
:'''Both''': HUUUMMUUUS!!!
:'''Benson''': Why are you guys yelling &quot;hummus&quot;?

&lt;hr width=100%&gt;
:'''Benson''': Is that a party I hear?

===''Brain Eraser'' [2.5b]===
:'''Mordecai''': Pops. Yo, Pops. I found your Mustache Monthly. ''(Puts Pops' Moustaches Monthly on a chair and turns his head around, before seeing Pops, just out of the shower and naked.)'' Aaaaagh!
:'''Pops''': Aaaaagh!
:'''Mordecai''': Aaaaagh!
:'''Pops''': Aaaaagh!
:'''Mordecai''': Aaaaagh! ''(In all the confusion, he now catches a glimpse of Pops' junk mail&quot;.)''
:'''Pops''': Aaaaagh! ''(Pops covers his &quot;junk mail&quot; with his hat. Mordecai covers his eyes. They both try to leave but they're in each other's ways&quot;.)''
:'''Mordecai''': ''(breathing)'' Uh... uh... uh... uh...
:'''Pops''': ''(breathing)'' Uh... uh... uh... uh...
:''(Mordecai finally escapes Pops' room as Pops goes into his bathroom. Mordecai goes downstairs and sits on the couch.)''
:'''Mordecai''': Stop playing for a second. When I went upstairs, Pops was getting out of the shower.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, so?
:'''Mordecai''': And he didn't have a towel.
:'''Rigby''': Ewww!
:'''Mordecai''': I tried not to look and just give him the magazine but I saw his...
:'''Rigby''': His junk mail? Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
:'''Mordecai''': No, dude, I'm mentally scarred. It's like the image is glued in the inside of my eyelids. Every saggy, wrinkled, shriveled, pasty...
:'''Rigby''': Whoa, whoa! Don't put it in my head!
:'''Mordecai''': This is your fault! You have to help me.
:'''Rigby''': I'll help you to forget it if you promise to stop talking about it.
:'''Mordecai''': Deal.
:''(They shake hands.)''

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': Trust me, man. This will make you forget.
:'''Mordecai''': (covering his eyes) No, no. I'm not looking at anything ever again. Every time I open my eyes, I see Pops naked.
:'''Rigby''': Just give it a chance.
:'''Mordecai''': No! ''(Rigby grabs Mordecai's arms.)''
:'''Rigby''': Look at it! Look at it! Look at it!
:'''Mordecai''': Get off! I'm not looking at a stupid-- ''(Mordecai opens his eyes wide and sees Planet Chasers: Starlight Excellent)''
:'''Rigby''': Yes!
:''(Rolls of film fly out of Mordecai's eyes and into the bright TV screen)''
:'''Rigby''': Coooool!
:''(Each film cel shows a piece of Mordecai's memory)''
:'''Rigby''': Did it work?
:''(when the film's over, Mordecai groans and mumbles incoherently)''
:'''Rigby''': Mordecai! Do you remember seeing Pops naked? Pops naked? Nude? In the buff? Naked Pops, naked Pops, naked Pops! Awesome! Dude, it totally worked! Up high! Let's... get you some coffee.

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': It's gone! Naked Pops is gone! I don't remember it anymore!
:'''Benson''': What did you guys do? What is this mess? I can't even take a shower around here without you guys screwing things up--

===''Benson Be Gone'' [2.6a]===
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Snacks disappearing from the snack bar, holes in the walls — $500 worth of prank phone calls?! It's ridiculous! What are you doing to my park, Beenteen?
:'''Benson''': But sir, it's not my fault. It's Mordecai and Rigby. It's right here on my report.
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Are you my park manager, Beenteen?
:'''Benson''': Yes, sir.
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Then ''everything'' that happens here is your fault!
:'''Benson''': Well... yes, technically, but— 
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Say it.
:'''Benson''': ...Everything that happens here is my fault.
:''[a white limo crashes through the left side of the office!]''
:'''Mr. Maellard''': MY CAR!!
:''[Mordecai rolls down the window]''
:'''Mordecai''': Sorry, Benson, remember how I told you I can drive stick? Well, I'm a little rusty.
:'''Rigby''': I told you you should've let me be the one to park it!
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Why are they driving my car when I specifically TOLD ''YOU'' TO PARK IT?!!
:'''Benson''': I did, sir, but I delegated it to Mordecai and Rigby.
:'''Mordecai''': ...Uhh, this is getting a little awkward, so we're gonna take off. ''[backs away]''
:'''Benson''': Wait!!
:''[the limo then falls onto the side of the house, bleeping]''
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Oooh that's it! Emergency meeting tomorrow! Things are going to change around here. I'm sure you're all anxious to get back to work so let make this brief Beancan you're being demoted. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Come on, Benson! We gotta rake these leaves, dude.
:'''Benson''': I can't do this.
:'''Mordecai''': Look, you're bummed out about getting demoted, but if you give it a chance you'll see it's not that bad.
:'''Benson''': ...This is horrible.
:'''Mordecai''': No it's not, you're just in a bad mood. Look, you just need to take your mind off it for a while and have some fun.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah man, we can come back later and finish these leaves.
:'''Benson''': Ahah! This is so typical. You get bored so you just slack off instead of finishing your work.
:'''Mordecai''': It's not slacking, we're just taking a break. And besides, it's not like you're working that hard anyway.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, you're raking like an old man that has a fatter old man holding his arms down.
:'''Benson''': I DON'T FEEL LIKE RAKING NOW, OKAY?!
:'''Rigby''': I'm just sayin'...
:'''Benson''': What if Susan catches us? She'll probably fire us for not working.

===''But I Have a Receipt'' [2.6b]===
:'''Mordecai''': ''[reads Darthon manual]'' &quot;Your party walks down a long hallway and reaches a locked door. What do you do?&quot;
:'''Muscle Man''': I smash it open with my war claw! Then, a bunch of ladies come out and they're all, &quot;Ooh, Muscle Man! Quit pinching my butt with your war claw!&quot;
:'''Rigby''': ''[reads]'' &quot;Roll the 50-sided die to see if you unlock the door.&quot;
:'''Skips''': All we have is a 48-sided die and two marbles.
:'''Rigby''': Close enough. ''[Muscle Man chucks the die and marbles]''
:'''Muscle Man''': Huh! ''[the die and marbles roll onto the floor]'' Did it work?
:'''Rigby''': Uhh... I don't think so.
:'''Muscle Man''': This blows!
:'''Pops''': Mordecai, Mordecai! ''[western accent]'' Well, I reckon I'd like a turn now!
:'''Mordecai''': Cyborg cowboys take three days to awaken from hypersleep. Sorry, Pops.
:'''Pops''': Oh...
:'''Skips''': Can't he cast a saving throw?
:'''Mordecai''': U-uh...
:'''Benson''': What does all this stuff mean? Are we even IN Darthon yet?
:'''Mordecai''': Uhh...
:'''Benson''': Or is that just an artifact or something?
:'''Mordecai''': Uhh... ''[shuts book]'' &quot;Your party is suddenly ambushed by a flock of man-bats!&quot; Skips the Mighty gets first strike.
:'''Skips''': ''[rolls die and marbles]'' Hi-yah!
:'''Rigby''': Let's see. Pirate samurai have +2 constitution, -3 charisma, divide by number of geese... Do we have a protractor?
:'''Benson''': I'm outta here.
:'''Muscle Man''': Worst game night ever!
:'''Rigby''': Aah!! Dude, they're RIGHT! This game sucks!
:'''Mordecai''': Let's get our money back.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Pops''': Mordecai, Rigby!
:'''Mordecai''': Pops! Where have you guys been?
:'''Benson''': We were hiding in the armor closet, then suddenly we were in the stock room at Shoe Farm.
:'''Rigby''': Good thing it was worth it! Seven bones, baby!
:'''Benson''': '''Seven Dollars?!!'''[outraged] '''WE ALMOST DIED FOR''' '''SEVEN''' '''DOLLARS'''?!!
:'''Rigby''': The numbers aren't important!
:'''Mordecai''': It was the principle.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, if we're gonna spend that kinda money, it's gotta be on a COOL game!
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah, something like &quot;Trail of Elderitch&quot; or &quot;The Lair of Anthelon&quot;.
:'''Rigby''': Dude, is that out?
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah, it came out last week.
:'''Both''': ''[run back into store]'' Yeah-hah!

===''This is My Jam'' [2.7a]===
:(''Seeing the Summertime Song as a a physical form, taking the form of a music tape with arms and legs with big, red sunglasses'')
:'''Mordecai:'''...What the heck is that?
:'''Rigby:''' I have no idea what I'm looking at.
:'''Mordecai''': I think the song must've left your head and manifested itself into a physical form.
:'''Rigby''': Well, does it have an &quot;Off&quot; switch?
:'''Mordecai''': I dunno!
:'''Rigby''': Hey, dancing song dude! Knock it off! Dude, quit it! Seriously, man! I'm sick of this song!
:''[Casette drums on Rigby's head]''
:'''Rigby''': Get off! [tackles casette and goes right through it] Oh my gosh, it's a ghost tape! ''[jumps into Mordecai's arms]''
:'''Mordecai''': Dude. Calm down. It's not a ghost. It's just music. You can't touch music. But music can touch you.
:'''Rigby''': Oh, barf. How do we get rid of it?
:'''Mordecai''': I don't know. If we just ignore it, it'll probably just go away

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Everyone especially Benson gets annoyed and enraged by Summertime Song]''
:'''Benson''': ''[Growling, Screaming and Angrily throws a clipboard]''
----
:'''Mordecai:''' I've got an idea: Brain Explosion!
:'''Rigby:''' What!? You can't explode my brain! That's gotta be illegal!

===''Muscle Woman'' [2.7b]===

:'''Mordecai''': Hey Muscle Man, we got work to do, remember? ''[Muscle Man breaks down]''
:'''Rigby''': Dude... are you crying?
:'''Muscle Man''': NO! Crying's for ladies, LIKE ''YOU''!! I don't cry!!
:''[cut to a crying nude Muscle Man in the shower, with Mordecai and Rigby knocking outside his caravan]''
:'''Rigby''': Dude, he's been in there for hours!
:'''Mordecai''': Muscle Man! Muscle Man! ''[looks inside]'' Muscle Man, are you taking a shower so we can't see you crying?
:'''Muscle Man''': '''NO!!''' IT'S... IT'S JUST THE SOUND OF THE WATER HITTING THE DRAIN!!
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, what's wrong with him?
:'''Hi-Five Ghost''': ''[appears]'' His girlfriend Starla dumped him last night.
:'''Rigby''': What?! Muscle Man had a girlfriend? I wonder who had more junk in the trunk.
:'''Mordecai''': Muscle Man, just come out! We can talk about it if you want.
:'''Muscle Man''': NO!!! I DON'T TALK ABOUT MY FEELINGS WITH ''ANYONE''!! LEAVE ME ''ALONE''!!!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Alright, Muscle Man, grocery stores have tons of available women.
:'''Muscle Man''': I don't know, Mordecai... None of these ladies are as hot as Starla.
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, man up! Check this out. ''[points]'' That girl is single.
:'''Muscle Man''': How can you tell?
:'''Mordecai''': Check out her cart. American cheese singles, a single serving of soup—and who buys one banana? And I don't see a ring on that finger. So what're you waiting for? Go get her!
:'''Muscle Man''': ''[walks to her]'' Uhh... hey. You're a chick. I was wondering if you wanted to....
:''[....]''
:'''Muscle Man''': I CAN'T DO THIS!! ''[rips shirt showing his chest tattoo]'' THIS HEART BEATS FOR ANOTHER!!! ''[cries as the woman continues strolling]'' STARLAAA!!!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Look! I know how Muscle Man can be. He's annoying, he smells, and he pretty much has no common decency for others, but he's still human. And he has feelings. We all do. We're just fragile beings looking for someone to share something with. To laugh with. To love.

===''Temp Check'' [2.8a]===
:'''Benson''': Hold it. Nope. It's no good.
:'''Both''': Aw, what?
:'''Benson''': It's an INCH TOO tall. Do it again. Do it &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt; '''''ALL''''' '''AGAIN'''!!!!!!&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Both''': (GROAN)
:'''Rigby''': '''It's just ''one'' inch!'''
:'''Benson''': Would you want to play Ultimate Frisbee in this? A guy could trip, skid, get severe turf rash and BAM!! [[Lawsuit]]. Now get to work. 
:'''Rigby''': But- but- but-
:'''Benson''': Oh wait... Is that the sound of somebody who wants to be fired? (silence) That's what I thought.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': So, tell me a little about yourself.
:'''Guy''': ''[with fire on his back]'' Uh, I like pyrotechnics. ''[fireworks blows off his pocket, sets ablaze his pants]''
:'''Rigby''': So, what're you good at?
:'''Parrot''': Rragh! Pyrotechnics! ''[boom!!]''
:''(...)''
:'''Rigby''': Let me guess. You like pyrotechnics.
:'''Redneck''': No. But I do like this. ''[brings harmonica to his rear end]''
:''[...]''
:'''Rigby''': Alright, alright. That's enough!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Benson''': (Turning red) &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;I'm the only one around here who hires and fires. So if you don't really wanna do your own job, I'd be glad to accommodate you. Otherwise, you're on toilet duty for the next '''THREE MONTHS!'''&lt;/span&gt; Unbelievable!

===''Jinx'' [2.8b]===
:'''Benson''': Of course all this trash would still be here. Why do I even try? ''[spots Rigby]'' Hey! Hey!! Get over here right now!
:''[...]''
:'''Rigby''': Benson! Hey man, I need you—
:'''Benson''': ''[covers Rigby's mouth]'' No. Stop. Don't say anything. What is this? You guys expect me to let this slide?
:'''Rigby''': No—yes—I dunno. Look, I just need you—
:'''Benson''': Ugh, what you need? Well, I need is for you to start cleaning up right now or you're FIRED!!
:'''Rigby''': Okay, okay! I'm doin' it! But can you just say my name three— ''[sees Mordecai behind the tree]''
:'''Benson''': What? Say your name? ''[Mordecai holds his fist]'' Why do you want me to say your name? ''[looks behind]'' What? What're you looking at?
:''[Mordecai runs off]''
:'''Benson''': Is that Mordecai? Mordecai!! Mordecai, get over here this second or you're fired! ''[canned by Rigby]'' What the heck, Rigby?! What's the matter with you?? ''[Rigby smiles, cans him again]'' ''AHH!!'' RIGBY!! ''[Rigby trashs him]'' AUGHH''!!'' RAAAHHHHH!!! RAAAAAHHHUH''!!!'' ''[furiously throws trash can up high into the ground and angrily long kicks it]'' RAAAGGHHHHH''!!!''
:'''Rigby''': JUST SAY MY NAME ONE MORE TIME!!! ''[looks up beside Mordecai]''
:'''Mordecai''': Hmhm. Hm. ''[PUNCH!!]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': Gotta find somebody, gotta find somebody! Fives!! You gotta help me, man! You gotta say my name three times! ''[beat]'' I'm jinxed and Mordecai's taking this thing way too far! You gotta say my name three times!!
:''[Fives shakes his head]''
:'''Rigby''': COME OOON!!! ''[Fives shakes again]'' WHY NOT?!?!
:'''Fives''': Because I'm jinxed too...
:'''Muscle Man''': Aha! ''[leap-punches Fives]'' No talking while you're jinxed, loser!
:'''Fives''': Help.. me—
:'''Muscle Man''': SHUT YOUR MOUTH''!!''
:'''Rigby''': Hi-Five Ghost, Hi-Five Ghost, Hi-Five Ghost!
:'''Muscle Man''': Hey!!
:'''Fives''': Ah ha ha ha ha! Whoo!!
:'''Rigby''': Dude, help me back! ''[Fives flies off]'' NO, WAIT!!
:'''Muscle Man''': Dude, why'd you do that for?!
:'''Rigby''': I'm sorry, I just needed to get rid of my jinx!
:'''Muscle Man''': Why don't you take it off yourself?
:'''Rigby''': You can do that?
:'''Muscle Man''': Pft, yeah, it's easy. Now, here's what you gotta do.

===''See You There'' [2.9a]===
:'''Muscle Man:''' Yo, HFG! I found a video game system on the ground. Let's see what happens when we put it in the Microwave.

===''Do Me a Solid'' [2.9b]===
:'''Pops''': Yoo-hoo! Mordecai! Rigby!
:'''Both''': Hey, Pops! Hey, Skips!
:'''Skips''': You think you want some chips with that cheese?
:'''Rigby''': Oh, yeah, I guess we overdid it with the cheese, huh? HYAH!! (SPLAT!!)
:''[all laugh]''
:'''Pops''': Are you supposed to be working at the snack bar today?
:'''Rigby''': Do us a solid and cover for us?
:'''Skips''': You shouldn't abuse the power of the solid. Bad things will happen.
:'''Mordecai''': Can you at least pretend you didn't see us?
:'''Skips''': Okay, but you owe me a solid. ''[drives off]''
:'''Rigby''': We should probably get outta here.
:'''Mordecai''': Do me a solid and buy me a cup of coffee?

===''Grave Sights'' [2.10a]===
:'''Guy:''' OH, MAN! Did You just See That zombie Take a discus to the face?! ''(everyone cheers)''
-----
:'''Mordecai and Rigby:''' ''(singing obnoxiously)'' Because we know everything about scary movies and you know nothing about scary movies! We'll save the park with our knowledge of scary movies!!
:'''Benson:'''  [livid] '''STOP SINGING OR YOU’RE FIRED!!!'''
:'''Mordecai and Rigby:''' Our... knowledge... of... scary... movies...
:'''Mordecai:''' We'll go get the movie...
-----
:'''Zombie Slayer''': Baby, you let yourself go real bad. 
:''[She groans; Mordecai grabs Rigby's shoulder which makes Rigby yell, jumps into Mordecai's arms and knock over the projector, causing the film to stop; the crowd boos]''
:'''Rigby''': Dude, why did you do that? 
:'''Mordecai''': I didn't know you'd freak out that bad. 
:'''Man''': Hey I want my money back! 
:''[Others agree and Benson, who's in the crowd, turns around to see Mordecai and Rigby]''
:'''Benson''': Fix it! Fix It! 
:'''Mordecai''': Come on, come on! 
:''[They put the projector back on the box, Rigby blows on the tape then accidentally spits on it]''
:'''Mordecai''': Aw, why did you spit on it? 
:'''Rigby''': Shut up, shut up, shut up! 
:'''Man''': This is terrible!
:''[Rigby puts it in the projector the wrong way and it doesn't work]''
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, why isn't it working? 
:'''Benson''': ''[Slamming his chair against the ground in frustration]'' Fix it! FIX IT! FIX IT! 
:''[Rigby gets on the projector and shakes it; it causes rays to go out and into the ground while one of which hits a guy]''
:'''Man''': Ow, my kidneys!
:''[A zombie is seen awakening, and Mordecai takes the tape out]''
:'''Mordecai''': Aw dude, you put it in backwards! 
:''[Mordecai puts it in the projector the right way]''
:'''Mordecai''': There.
:''[The movie continues playing, the crowd cheers and Benson goes back to watching the movie]''
:'''Both''': Phew.
:'''Rigby''': Hmph, hmph. Thanks for almost getting rid of our paid day-off, you loser.

===''Really Real Wrestling'' [2.10b]===
:'''Mordecai''': &quot;Listen up, Mysterious Mister R! Mad Man Mordo's going to take you down! And I'm not talkin' downtown; I'm talkin' 6 ft underground!&quot; 
:'''Rigby:''' &quot;Mad Man Mordo? More like Bland Man Bordo! When I'm done with you people are gonna be like &quot;Ugh! What happened to his face?&quot; and I'll be like &quot;Mysterious Mister R is what happened to his face!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': And that's why we don't have tickets for wrestling because all you can think about is Benson's crank.
&lt;hr width=72%&gt;
:'''Benson''': I knew it. I had a sick feeling, so I came to check on you, and I KNEW it.
:'''Mordecai''': Wait, listen, Benson...
:'''Benson''': No! You guys are FIRED! That's it.
:'''Rigby''': Wait, what? Come on!
:'''Benson''': No! I told you guys, but you DIDN'T wanna listen!

===''Over the Top'' [2.11a]===

:'''Mordecai''': You couldn't let it go. Well, I hope you got what you wanted.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Benson''': Hey! Let me tell you guys something. This guy.. this guy right here is SO strong. He could take anyone of you OUT in arm-wrestling.
:'''Skips''': Nah, nah...
:'''Benson''': Skips! SKIPS!  I am your boss''!!'' And as your boss, I order you to arm-wrestle me.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Muscle Man''': Aw yeah! Meat Cooler Kings round two!
:'''Fives''': Shotgun!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': So everybody thinks I'm dead?
:'''Skips''': Yep.
:'''Rigby''': Dude! We gotta prank 'em!
:'''Skips''': Uh.. Y'know Rigby, I think I've had enough pranks for today.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby:''' (''after beating Skips at arm wrestling'') HATERS GONNA HATE!
----
:'''Skips:''' Two words... PLAYCO ARMBOY!
----
:'''Death:''' I ''will'' have your immortal soul.

===''The Night Owl'' [2.11b]===
:'''Mordecai''': Well, we did it.
:'''Muscle Man''': Yep.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah.
:'''Muscle Man''': Guess all that's left to do now is step down and get the car.
:'''Rigby''': That sounds about right.
:'''Muscle Man''': Well, I'll meet you guys down there. I gotta take down the tent first.
:'''Mordecai''': No, no — we'll take care of the tent. You should go first.
:'''Muscle Man''': I'm not stepping off this thing until you three step off it first.
:'''Mordecai''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Muscle Man''': It means I ''know'' what you're up to!
:'''Mordecai''': You know what I'M up to!? I know what ''YOU'RE'' up to! Step one: working with you is a huge mistake, and step two: get off this billboard, you smell like barf!
:'''Muscle Man''': '''''YOU'' SMELL LIKE BARF!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': GET OFF THIS BILLBOARD, BARF SACK!
:'''Muscle Man''': '''DON'T CALL ME A BARF SACK!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Night Owl''': How does it feel to be part of the final four?
:'''Rigby''': It feels GREAT!
:'''Mordecai''': Awesome!
:'''Fives''': It's exciting!
:'''Muscle Man''': WOOOOO''!!!''
:'''Night Owl''': Mmhm. And how did you make it this far?
:'''Muscle Man''': Working together, baby!!
:'''Night Owl''': ''[chuckles]'' Fantastic. So, what're gonna do with the car?
:'''Rigby''': Share it.
:'''Night Owl''': Hmm, that's funny. Because that's not what Mordecai said.
:'''Muscle Man''': What did Mordecai say..?
:'''Night Owl''': Well, that he was gonna take the car for himself.
:'''Fives''': Rigby said that?
:'''Night Owl''': Yeah. That's what Muscle Man said.
:'''Mordecai''': I knew it!
:'''Rigby''': That jerk.
:'''Fives''': I can't believe this!
:'''Muscle Man''': Oh, he's gonna pay!

===''A Bunch of Baby Ducks'' [2.12a]===
:'''Benson''': I don't care! Find someone to take care of these ducks right now and get back to work or you're fired!

&lt;hr width=100%&gt;
:'''Baby Duck:''' Hey Mordecai and Rigby, thanks. 
:(''Mordecai and Rigby both smile'')
:'''Baby Duck:''' For being the coolest losers we know!
:'''Baby Duck, Moredecai and Rigby:''' OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!
----
:'''Rigby:''' Hmm-hmm. Step off! Step off! You don't want none of this!
----
:'''Moredecai:''' Is there any other things that might need cleaning?
:''[Benson walks away]''
:'''Mordecai:''' ...Benson?
----

===''More Smarter'' [2.12b]===

'''Benson''': And if you don't stop goofing off and clean up this graffiti '''NOW! I’M GONNA TEAR YOU LIMB FROM LIMB!!!'''
:'''Mordecai &amp; Rigby''': Huh...??
:'''Benson''': Do you have anything to say for yourselves?
:'''Rigby''': What just happened?
:'''Mordecai''': Ugh, I don't remember anything...
:'''Muscle Man''': Me and Fives were practicing for a pie-eating contest when you two dweebs came in speaking Spanish or something. ''[chows down pie]''
:'''Fives''': Then you drank that green stuff.
:'''Mordecai''': ''AUGH''!! I can't believe you made me drink your lame drink!
:'''Benson''': Better get started, or it's coming out of your paycheck.
:'''Muscle Man''': Yeah, losers.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': In closing, your theories had failed to prove that you're smarter – for your brain is no bigger than a WALNUT.
:(WALNUT) ''CRAK!!''
:'''Rigby''': Very funny Mordecai, but your paper is fundamentally flawed because your brain is made up of 99% CANINE BUTT CHEEKS.
:(BUTT CHEEKS) ''FWOO-CRAK!!''
:'''Mordecai''': There is still one irrefutable truth. You don't have a high school diploma! So I'm smarter than you! You IMBECILE''!!''
:(IMBECILE) ''FWOOSH-KLAK!!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Benson''': Mordecai, Rigby, get downstairs right now and clean up the mess you made, or I'm gonna fire....
:''[into the smarter world]''
:'''Rigby''': Dude, what is he saying?
:''[Benson, Pops and Skips are now ape-like neanderthals speaking nonsensical gibberish]''
:'''Mordecai''': Oh no! We've become so smart they're stupid to us!
:''[in the real world]''
:'''Mordecai''': Quarum hie vitio morionis!
:'''Rigby''': MORIONIS''!!?'' Moroionis vestros incipe et rem TOTAM''!!''
:'''Mordecai''': Et harum facere daberet ire stultum!
Rigby: If you haven't made fun of me so much, none of this would've happened.

Mordecai: Whatever. You can't even get your diploma, because we're so smart. So, what's the point?

Rigby: You're right. There is no point.

Mordecai: Huh?

Rigby: What's the point of being so smart, if you can't even under- (off-screen) -stand anyone? (on-screen) We have to get stupid again.

Mordecai: How?

Rigby: ...RigJuice.

Mordecai: The fridge! (Mordecai and Rigby float to the fridge.)

(Scene then shows Muscle Man and High-Fives in a different way too while Muscle Man is eating.)

(Rigby opened the fridge.)

Rigby: Ah ha! The RigJuice!

Mordecai: Pour me some.

(Rigby pours the RigJuice to his cup which shows how the material is made out of.)

Rigby: Whoa... It looks... different now.

Mordecai: Ready?

Rigby: Wait. If I drink this, I'll never get my diploma.

Mordecai: Dude, it's just a piece of paper.

Rigby: I know that, but you'll never stop making fun of me for it.

Mordecai: I don't care. I won't make fun of you anymore. I promise. To being stupid?

(Little silence appears)

Rigby: To being stupid. Bottoms up.

===''First Day'' [2.13a]===
:''[Mordecai opens a refrigerator]''
:'''Mordecai''': ...Milk... 
:''[Rigby opens a cupboard]'' 
:'''Rigby''': ...Cereal... 
:''[They are both at the table and they both pour the milk and cereal into a bowl]''
:'''Mordecai/Rigby''': ...Combine. 
:''[Rigby is about to eat the cereal with his face, but Mordecai stops him]''
:'''Mordecai''': ''[picks up a spoon]''  This is the only clean spoon left, dude, lets play &quot;punchies&quot; for it.
:'''Rigby''': Okay, me first. 
:''[Rigby punches Mordecai, but Rigby is shocked at how weak his punch was]'' 
:'''Mordecai''': ''[starts laughing, then punches Rigby harder]'' 
:'''Rigby''': ''[rubs his arm]'' Ow. Take it! 
:''[Rigby moves to the other side of the table as Mordecai laughs and starts eating his breakfast]'' 
:'''Mordecai''': ''[stops eating]'' Man, so far, this job is awesome! I still can't believe we have our own rooms! 
:'''Rigby''': Dude, those rooms aren't cool, there's nothing in them, I had to sleep on the floor last night! 
:''[Rigby starts pouring cereal into his mouth]''
:'''Mordecai''': Well, yeah. I mean, we can go and get stuff for it, once we've earned some money! Ya Know! 
:'''Rigby''': ''[seems full on cereal]'' Yeah, I guess. 
:'''Mordecai''': You want some milk? 
:'''Rigby''': Yeah. 
:''[Mordecai starts pouring milk into Rigby's mouth]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''(Everybody gets up; the park is ruined)''
:'''Mordecai''': Did you win?
:'''Rigby''': ''(coughs)''
:'''Mordecai''': I think you win.
:'''Rigby''': ''(sighs) '' It doesn't matter. I wasn't able to hold on to the chair anyways.
:'''Pops''': Look!
:''(half of the chair is still left)''
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': Aww, cool.
:'''Benson''': No you don't, you're not getting that chair. But here's what you ''do'' get: You get to flip that cart back over, you're throwing' that chair away, and then you're cleaning up this whole '''MESS!!''' Pops, you're comin' with me. And you two idiots, if this isn't cleaned up when I get back, &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''YOU'RE FIRED!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Benson walks into the house with Pops and Skips]''
:'''Mordecai''': Okay, starting now, let's both promise not to do anything to screw this up. Agreed?
:'''Rigby''': Agreed. Rock-paper-scissors for who gets to drive the cart?

===''Go Viral'' [2.13b]===
:'''Wedgie Ninja''': Help me.
:'''Mordecai''': What?
:'''Warden of the Internet''': What's your name?
:'''Pops''': Pops.
:'''Rigby''': It's Pops!
:'''Warden of the Internet''': Step over to your right, Pops.
:'''Pops''': Is this my passport photo for the interwebs?
:'''Warden of the Internet''': Sort of.
:'''Pops''': Ooh, I love photos. I am ready, madame.
:'''Warden of the Internet''': Say 'doomed for eternity.'
:'''Pops''': Doomed for eternity! Oh!
:'''Rigby''': No!

===''Skunked'' [2.14a]===
:'''Rigby''': What!? AHHH! What am I gonna do now!?
:'''Mordecai''': I dunno dude, but we gotta get that smell off you. It reeks.
:''[Rigby angrily ticks off; his pupils dilated, his body has grown larger and violently throttles Mordecai]''
:'''Rigby''': DON'T TELL ME ABOUT HOW I SMELL! I KNOW IT REEKS! YOU DON'T THINK I KNOW IT REEKS!?

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': Dude, Bingo!
:'''Mordecai''': Bingo?
:'''Rigby''': Bingo, bingo!
:'''Mordecai''': Bingo!
:'''Rigby''': Ohhhhh!
:'''Mordecai''': Woahhhhh!

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': '''YOU THINK YOU'RE SO SMART DON'T YOU!? &quot;OH LOOK AT ME, I'M SKIPS, I KNOW EVERYTHING BECAUSE I'M SO ''OLD!''&quot; LET ME TELL YA HOW TO FIX YOUR PROBLEMS IN A REALLY LAME WAY! WELL YA KNOW WHAT I THINK!?''' ''[angrily grabs Skips]'' YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHIN'! YOU DON'T KNOW ''NOTHIN!'' ''[drops him]''

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Teenager''': ''[coughs twice]'' Thank...You. ''[passes out, unconscious]''
:'''Mordecai''': He still counts as a skunk, right?
:'''Rigby''': ''Totally'' counts as a skunk.

===''Karaoke Video'' [2.14b]===
:'''Carrey O'Key''': I SAID NO! I can play that tape whenever I feel like it, and there's not a darn thing you can do about it. I don't want to see you punks back here again. You're &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt; '''BANNED. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Sorry, guys.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, sorry.
:'''Mordecai''': We didn't mean to ruin your good time.
:'''Benson''': No, no! I don't wanna hear it. Hey, I don't know what was on that tape or why those guys were after it, but I'm gonna get to the bottom of this. ''(Turns pink)'' &lt;span style=&quot;color:pink&quot;&gt; &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''You've ruined karaoke night.'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/span&gt;
:''(Benson and the gang donut-straight outta here, leaving them both Mordecai and Rigby behind)''
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah, uh– I know, that's why we tried to... apologize... to you. Man, karaoke sucks.

==External links==

{{wikipedia|Regular Show}}

[[Category:Regular Show seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>n2jz5ubkrghq6rcm3gya3c3k7v6723i</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147526</id>
      <parentid>3147525</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:17:10Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Timmy.swartley.8</username>
        <id>3126758</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Appreciation Day [2.2a] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="39702" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Seasons:''' [[Regular Show (season 1)|1]] [[Regular Show (season 2)|2]] [[Regular Show (season 3)|3]] [[Regular Show (season 4)|4]] [[Regular Show (season 5)|5]] [[Regular Show (season 6)|6]] [[Regular Show (season 7)|7]] [[Regular Show (season 8)|8]] | [[Regular Show: The Movie|Film]] | [[Regular Show|Main]]
----

The following is a list of quotes from the second season of ''[[Regular Show]]''.

===''Ello Gov'nor'' [2.1a]===
*'''Rigby''': (screams) Mordecai! Wake up! Wake up!
*'''Mordecai''': (in taxi's voice) Ello, &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt; gov'nor!&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;  (turns around to show that his eyes are lit up like carlights. Rigby screams and step back. Mordecai sits up and the British taxi comes out of his body and comes toward Rigby before nightmare ends. Rigby wakes up, screaming, until he gets hit by a pillow thrown by Mordecai.)
*'''Mordecai''': Dude, chill out. You're screaming like a freaking maniac!
*'''Rigby''': I keep having nightmares and bad dreams!
*'''Mordecai''': Just dream about something else then. (lies back down) Dream like you're a tough guy or something.
*'''Rigby''': (trying to sleep) I'm a tough guy. (He says &quot;tough guy&quot; repeatedly).
*''(In his dream, he is a tough guy named Fists and is walking down the street at nighttime.)''
*'''Fists''': They say this city's tough. But I'm tougher. (walks into a dark alley, and a gangster with half of his hair shaved off follows him with a knife)
*'''Gangster''': You walked down the wrong alley, Riggerson. (Fists pins him against the wall.)
*'''Fists''': The name's... (pulls fist back) ...Fists! (He's about to punch him, but then, the taxi comes and shines its lights on him and the gangster.)
*'''British Taxi''': Ello, gov'nor!
*''Fists screams before taxi drives into Fists and gangster''.
:'''Rigby''': (Screams awake again.)
:'''Mordecai''': (Groans angrily with his hands crunching) What the heck, Rigby?!
:'''Rigby''': It's that stupid British taxi. It's all inside my brain!
:'''Mordecai''': Ugh, I knew it. I knew this would happen! I told you we shouldn't have watched that movie.
:'''Rigby''': I know, I'm sorry, I can't help it.
:'''Mordecai''': Ah, all right, dude, we're just gonna desensitize you the horror. We're gonna watch Ello Gov'nor over and over again, until you stop being scared.
:''[later, in the living room]''
:'''Mordecai''': ''[as he pushes Rigby against the screen]'' Look at it. ''Look at it.'' It's not real! You can see the microphone showing!!
:'''Rigby''': Let me go!!
:'''Mordecai''': LOOK AT IT!!
:'''Rigby''': Get off me!
:'''Mordecai''': I'm sick of you keeping me up! You look at it.
:'''Rigby''': LET ME GO!
:'''Mordecai''': LOOK AT IT!!
:'''Rigby''': '''LET ME GO!!'''
:'''Mordecai''': Look at it. Look...at it...you look at it, you...look at it.
:'''Rigby''': Let... me GO!! (Throws the cover)
:'''Benson''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt; '''What the heck is going on?!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Rigby's just freaked off by this stupid dumb British movie we watched.
:'''Benson''': Well you'd better have this place cleaned up by the time I get back from my cricket game.
:'''Mordecai''': Cricket?
:'''Benson''': Yeah. I'm trying new things.. So what.
:'''Mordecai''': (gasps) Will British people be there?
:'''Benson''': It's cricket. What do you think?

===''It's Time'' [2.1b]===
:'''Mordecai''': All right, dude. I'll go to the movie with you. Just call it of with her.
:'''Rigby''': ''[scoffs]'' Yeah, right. I'm not going with you. You had your chance to ask her and you blew it. YOU BLEW IT!
:'''Mordecai''': ''[groans]'' Come on, dude...just give me another chance.
:'''Rigby''': Okay...I'll give you another chance if you admit that you're ''jealous''.
:'''Mordecai''': No!! I'm not jealous!
:'''Rigby''': Then I guess ''I'm'' still going out with Margaret! OOOOOOHHHHH! YOU BLEW IT AGAIN, YOU BLEW IT AGAIN!

===''Appreciation Day'' [2.2a]===
:'''Rigby''': Whoa.
:'''Mordecai &amp; Rigby''': Cool!
:'''Benson''': I'll take that! I don't know what's been going on here or why you two jokers have my book, so you had better clean this mess up starting now, OR '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; YOU'RE BOTH FIRED!!'''
:'''Mordecai''': What mess?
:'''Benson''': ''[He looks around and sees no mess at all]'' Uh—
:'''Rigby''': We did all the job you asked us to do.
:'''Benson''': ... Skips, let's get outta here.
:''[Benson gets in the golf cart, then Benson and Skips drive away]''
:'''Rigby''': What? Still no appreciation plaques?

===''Peeps'' [2.2b]===
:'''Margaret''': Hey, guys. What's with the cameras?
:'''Mordecai''': These? Um... we're making an indie documentary.
:'''Margaret''': Whoa, that's cool!
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah...it's pretty obscure...art-house stuff...
:'''Rigby''': It's so indie, only one dude's gonna see it!
:'''Margaret''': What's it called?
:'''Benson''': ''[on mic] It's called &quot;Slackers 2: The Return of Mordecai and Rigby To Their Jobs&quot;. [on watch]'' Break's over!
:'''Mordecai''': Uh, I guess we'll take two lattes.
:'''Benson''': ''TO GO!!''

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Oh! Uh, hey, Benson! We were just getting back to work!
:'''Benson''': It's okay, Mordecai. I trust you.
:'''Mordecai''': Really?
:'''Benson''': Of course I do! Because now I have this! ''[sets up camera]'' Say hello to Peeps. It's a surveillance system! Now I'll be able to see what you're up to all the time! 24/7, 365. Isn't that great? Well, I'll let you guys finish your work. And remember: I'm watching you. ''[walks away]''
:'''Rigby''': Dude, I don't think Benson trusts us at all!

===''Dizzy'' [2.3a]===
:'''Benson''': It's always good to have you at the park, Mr. Maellard...sir.
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Don't try to fraternize with me, Bert.
:'''Benson''': Actually, sir, my name is &quot;Benson&quot;.
:'''Mr. Maellard''': ''I KNOW WHAT YOUR NAME IS, BEANBAG!!'' So everything is ready for the unveiling of the new statue today, right, ''Beanbag''?
:'''Benson''': Yes, sir. The catering's all set and the sound system is in place.
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Good. Great. There's only one thing missing — my son, ''Pops''!! When I told him he had to give a speech today, he ran away, crying! I didn't invite all my friends and waste a lot of money for nothing. Right, Beenteen?
:'''Benson''': Uh... no, sir.
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Now go find Pops so he can give his speech, or you're FIRED!! Underline, FIRED!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Benson''': I can't find Pops! Did you see him?
:'''Skips''': No! I checked everywhere!
:'''Benson''': Muscle Man! Have you seen Pops at all today?
:'''Muscle Man''': Yeah. And you know who else has seen Pops today?
:'''Benson''': Who? Your mom?
:'''Muscle Man''': I wasn't gonna say that!! Why does everyone always think I'm going to say &quot;my mom&quot;?! I saw Pops earlier by the playground with those two losers.
:'''Benson''': Oh, great. Mordecai and Rigby found him first.
:'''Skips''': We better find him ''quick''!

===''My Mom'' [2.3b]===
:'''Muscle Man''': You know who else has the best tacos in the city?
:'''Rigby''': Dude, Benson will blow a fuse if he finds out we were slacking off!
:'''Muscle Man''': You know who else would blow a fuse if she found out we were slacking off?
:'''Mordecai''': We don't have time for this!
:'''Muscle Man''': You know who else doesn't have time for this!?
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': UGH!!
:'''Muscle Man''': You know who else says &quot;ugh&quot;?! '''MY MOM!!!!'''

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Muscle Man''': Are you making fun of my mom?!?! YOU'RE MAKING FUN OF MY MOM!! NO-ONE ''MAKES FUN OF MY MOM!!!''
:'''John''': &quot;''Yo, little brother! My ears are ringin! Is someone makin fun of our mom!?'' &quot;
:'''Muscle Man''': Yeah, they are bro!
:'''John''': &quot;''Oh no bro!'' &quot;
:'''Muscle Man''': I know bro!
:'''John''': &quot;''That's it! I'm comin up there!'' &quot;

===''High Score'' [2.4a]===
:'''Mordecai:''' (groans) What now? Look, we're working. See!
:'''Rigby:''' Yeah, we're never gonna get done if you keep checking up on us!
:'''Benson:''' It's payday, fellas.
:''(Mordecai and Rigby run towards Benson)''
:'''Mordecai:''' Yeah-yuh!
:'''Rigby:''' Aww, nice! My favorite day of the every other week!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Oh hey, Benson. What're you doin here?
:'''Benson''': I thought about what you guys said earlier and so I've come down to give you those checks you wanted.
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': Oh wow, thanks!
:'''Benson''': BUT now that I'm covered in BRAIN GOO, I realized my mistake! ''[shreds and throws checks]'' '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; You want to waste your lives playing video games, we'll then fine! '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; I '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; RESPECT''' '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; YOUR DECISION!!''' '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; JUST DON'T DO IT ON MY TIME HERE EVER AGAIN!!'''
:''[beat.]''
:'''Mordecai''': I can respect that.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, that's cool.

===''Rage Against the TV'' [2.4b]===
:'''Rigby''': Oh no, not this guy! We Never beat this guy!
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, we're going to do it this time, come on. Hit him! Hit him!
:'''Rigby''': I am hitting him! Nothing's happening!
:'''Mordecai''': Aw, dude! Try kicking him in the junk! Kick him in the junk! Kick him in the junk!
:'''Rigby''': ''I'M'' kicking him in the junk!
:'''Mordecai''': Well, keep doing it!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Muscle Man''': Who is it?
:'''Mordecai''': It's us.
:'''Muscle Man''': What do you want?
:'''Mordecai''': We wanna borrow your TV!
:'''Muscle Man''': Why?
:'''Mordecai''': Because. We're about to beat The Hammer.
:'''Muscle Man''': WHAT? (''SLAM'') NOBODY can beat The Hammer! It's impossible.
:'''Mordecai''': Pft! Not for us. Will you let us borrow your TV or not?
:'''Muscle Man''': Yeah. You can borrow it... if you can tell me what The Hammer looks like.
:'''Mordecai''': He's blue, with a black mullet.
:'''Muscle Man''': Fives!
:''[Fives scrolls thru Video Game Power Mag to see stats for The Hammer]''
:'''Hi Five Ghost''': Uh-huh.
:'''Muscle Man''': Oh man!
:'''Rigby''': So can we borrow it?
:'''Muscle Man''': Yeah, you can borrow it. So we can watch you LOSE!! Ahaha! WOOO!!! WOOHOO!!! This is gonna be hilari-uhh! (''CRUNCH!!'')
:''[beat]''
:'''Rigby''': Does Benson have a TV?!

===''Party Pete'' [2.5a]===
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': We gonna party!
:'''Mordecai''': Got some chips, got some dip!
:'''Rigby''': Some call me cheap, bit of a free loada, but I﻿ bought cups for that old school soda!
:'''Mordecai''': I dont need to brag, I dont mean to boast, but here's some hummus for these mini toasts!
:'''Rigby''': HUMMUS!
:'''Mordecai''': HUMMUUS!
:'''Both''': HUUUMMUUUS!!!
:'''Benson''': Why are you guys yelling &quot;hummus&quot;?

&lt;hr width=100%&gt;
:'''Benson''': Is that a party I hear?

===''Brain Eraser'' [2.5b]===
:'''Mordecai''': Pops. Yo, Pops. I found your Mustache Monthly. ''(Puts Pops' Moustaches Monthly on a chair and turns his head around, before seeing Pops, just out of the shower and naked.)'' Aaaaagh!
:'''Pops''': Aaaaagh!
:'''Mordecai''': Aaaaagh!
:'''Pops''': Aaaaagh!
:'''Mordecai''': Aaaaagh! ''(In all the confusion, he now catches a glimpse of Pops' junk mail&quot;.)''
:'''Pops''': Aaaaagh! ''(Pops covers his &quot;junk mail&quot; with his hat. Mordecai covers his eyes. They both try to leave but they're in each other's ways&quot;.)''
:'''Mordecai''': ''(breathing)'' Uh... uh... uh... uh...
:'''Pops''': ''(breathing)'' Uh... uh... uh... uh...
:''(Mordecai finally escapes Pops' room as Pops goes into his bathroom. Mordecai goes downstairs and sits on the couch.)''
:'''Mordecai''': Stop playing for a second. When I went upstairs, Pops was getting out of the shower.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, so?
:'''Mordecai''': And he didn't have a towel.
:'''Rigby''': Ewww!
:'''Mordecai''': I tried not to look and just give him the magazine but I saw his...
:'''Rigby''': His junk mail? Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
:'''Mordecai''': No, dude, I'm mentally scarred. It's like the image is glued in the inside of my eyelids. Every saggy, wrinkled, shriveled, pasty...
:'''Rigby''': Whoa, whoa! Don't put it in my head!
:'''Mordecai''': This is your fault! You have to help me.
:'''Rigby''': I'll help you to forget it if you promise to stop talking about it.
:'''Mordecai''': Deal.
:''(They shake hands.)''

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': Trust me, man. This will make you forget.
:'''Mordecai''': (covering his eyes) No, no. I'm not looking at anything ever again. Every time I open my eyes, I see Pops naked.
:'''Rigby''': Just give it a chance.
:'''Mordecai''': No! ''(Rigby grabs Mordecai's arms.)''
:'''Rigby''': Look at it! Look at it! Look at it!
:'''Mordecai''': Get off! I'm not looking at a stupid-- ''(Mordecai opens his eyes wide and sees Planet Chasers: Starlight Excellent)''
:'''Rigby''': Yes!
:''(Rolls of film fly out of Mordecai's eyes and into the bright TV screen)''
:'''Rigby''': Coooool!
:''(Each film cel shows a piece of Mordecai's memory)''
:'''Rigby''': Did it work?
:''(when the film's over, Mordecai groans and mumbles incoherently)''
:'''Rigby''': Mordecai! Do you remember seeing Pops naked? Pops naked? Nude? In the buff? Naked Pops, naked Pops, naked Pops! Awesome! Dude, it totally worked! Up high! Let's... get you some coffee.

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': It's gone! Naked Pops is gone! I don't remember it anymore!
:'''Benson''': What did you guys do? What is this mess? I can't even take a shower around here without you guys screwing things up--

===''Benson Be Gone'' [2.6a]===
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Snacks disappearing from the snack bar, holes in the walls — $500 worth of prank phone calls?! It's ridiculous! What are you doing to my park, Beenteen?
:'''Benson''': But sir, it's not my fault. It's Mordecai and Rigby. It's right here on my report.
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Are you my park manager, Beenteen?
:'''Benson''': Yes, sir.
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Then ''everything'' that happens here is your fault!
:'''Benson''': Well... yes, technically, but— 
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Say it.
:'''Benson''': ...Everything that happens here is my fault.
:''[a white limo crashes through the left side of the office!]''
:'''Mr. Maellard''': MY CAR!!
:''[Mordecai rolls down the window]''
:'''Mordecai''': Sorry, Benson, remember how I told you I can drive stick? Well, I'm a little rusty.
:'''Rigby''': I told you you should've let me be the one to park it!
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Why are they driving my car when I specifically TOLD ''YOU'' TO PARK IT?!!
:'''Benson''': I did, sir, but I delegated it to Mordecai and Rigby.
:'''Mordecai''': ...Uhh, this is getting a little awkward, so we're gonna take off. ''[backs away]''
:'''Benson''': Wait!!
:''[the limo then falls onto the side of the house, bleeping]''
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Oooh that's it! Emergency meeting tomorrow! Things are going to change around here. I'm sure you're all anxious to get back to work so let make this brief Beancan you're being demoted. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Come on, Benson! We gotta rake these leaves, dude.
:'''Benson''': I can't do this.
:'''Mordecai''': Look, you're bummed out about getting demoted, but if you give it a chance you'll see it's not that bad.
:'''Benson''': ...This is horrible.
:'''Mordecai''': No it's not, you're just in a bad mood. Look, you just need to take your mind off it for a while and have some fun.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah man, we can come back later and finish these leaves.
:'''Benson''': Ahah! This is so typical. You get bored so you just slack off instead of finishing your work.
:'''Mordecai''': It's not slacking, we're just taking a break. And besides, it's not like you're working that hard anyway.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, you're raking like an old man that has a fatter old man holding his arms down.
:'''Benson''': I DON'T FEEL LIKE RAKING NOW, OKAY?!
:'''Rigby''': I'm just sayin'...
:'''Benson''': What if Susan catches us? She'll probably fire us for not working.

===''But I Have a Receipt'' [2.6b]===
:'''Mordecai''': ''[reads Darthon manual]'' &quot;Your party walks down a long hallway and reaches a locked door. What do you do?&quot;
:'''Muscle Man''': I smash it open with my war claw! Then, a bunch of ladies come out and they're all, &quot;Ooh, Muscle Man! Quit pinching my butt with your war claw!&quot;
:'''Rigby''': ''[reads]'' &quot;Roll the 50-sided die to see if you unlock the door.&quot;
:'''Skips''': All we have is a 48-sided die and two marbles.
:'''Rigby''': Close enough. ''[Muscle Man chucks the die and marbles]''
:'''Muscle Man''': Huh! ''[the die and marbles roll onto the floor]'' Did it work?
:'''Rigby''': Uhh... I don't think so.
:'''Muscle Man''': This blows!
:'''Pops''': Mordecai, Mordecai! ''[western accent]'' Well, I reckon I'd like a turn now!
:'''Mordecai''': Cyborg cowboys take three days to awaken from hypersleep. Sorry, Pops.
:'''Pops''': Oh...
:'''Skips''': Can't he cast a saving throw?
:'''Mordecai''': U-uh...
:'''Benson''': What does all this stuff mean? Are we even IN Darthon yet?
:'''Mordecai''': Uhh...
:'''Benson''': Or is that just an artifact or something?
:'''Mordecai''': Uhh... ''[shuts book]'' &quot;Your party is suddenly ambushed by a flock of man-bats!&quot; Skips the Mighty gets first strike.
:'''Skips''': ''[rolls die and marbles]'' Hi-yah!
:'''Rigby''': Let's see. Pirate samurai have +2 constitution, -3 charisma, divide by number of geese... Do we have a protractor?
:'''Benson''': I'm outta here.
:'''Muscle Man''': Worst game night ever!
:'''Rigby''': Aah!! Dude, they're RIGHT! This game sucks!
:'''Mordecai''': Let's get our money back.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Pops''': Mordecai, Rigby!
:'''Mordecai''': Pops! Where have you guys been?
:'''Benson''': We were hiding in the armor closet, then suddenly we were in the stock room at Shoe Farm.
:'''Rigby''': Good thing it was worth it! Seven bones, baby!
:'''Benson''': '''Seven Dollars?!!'''[outraged] '''WE ALMOST DIED FOR''' '''SEVEN''' '''DOLLARS'''?!!
:'''Rigby''': The numbers aren't important!
:'''Mordecai''': It was the principle.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, if we're gonna spend that kinda money, it's gotta be on a COOL game!
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah, something like &quot;Trail of Elderitch&quot; or &quot;The Lair of Anthelon&quot;.
:'''Rigby''': Dude, is that out?
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah, it came out last week.
:'''Both''': ''[run back into store]'' Yeah-hah!

===''This is My Jam'' [2.7a]===
:(''Seeing the Summertime Song as a a physical form, taking the form of a music tape with arms and legs with big, red sunglasses'')
:'''Mordecai:'''...What the heck is that?
:'''Rigby:''' I have no idea what I'm looking at.
:'''Mordecai''': I think the song must've left your head and manifested itself into a physical form.
:'''Rigby''': Well, does it have an &quot;Off&quot; switch?
:'''Mordecai''': I dunno!
:'''Rigby''': Hey, dancing song dude! Knock it off! Dude, quit it! Seriously, man! I'm sick of this song!
:''[Casette drums on Rigby's head]''
:'''Rigby''': Get off! [tackles casette and goes right through it] Oh my gosh, it's a ghost tape! ''[jumps into Mordecai's arms]''
:'''Mordecai''': Dude. Calm down. It's not a ghost. It's just music. You can't touch music. But music can touch you.
:'''Rigby''': Oh, barf. How do we get rid of it?
:'''Mordecai''': I don't know. If we just ignore it, it'll probably just go away

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Everyone especially Benson gets annoyed and enraged by Summertime Song]''
:'''Benson''': ''[Growling, Screaming and Angrily throws a clipboard]''
----
:'''Mordecai:''' I've got an idea: Brain Explosion!
:'''Rigby:''' What!? You can't explode my brain! That's gotta be illegal!

===''Muscle Woman'' [2.7b]===

:'''Mordecai''': Hey Muscle Man, we got work to do, remember? ''[Muscle Man breaks down]''
:'''Rigby''': Dude... are you crying?
:'''Muscle Man''': NO! Crying's for ladies, LIKE ''YOU''!! I don't cry!!
:''[cut to a crying nude Muscle Man in the shower, with Mordecai and Rigby knocking outside his caravan]''
:'''Rigby''': Dude, he's been in there for hours!
:'''Mordecai''': Muscle Man! Muscle Man! ''[looks inside]'' Muscle Man, are you taking a shower so we can't see you crying?
:'''Muscle Man''': '''NO!!''' IT'S... IT'S JUST THE SOUND OF THE WATER HITTING THE DRAIN!!
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, what's wrong with him?
:'''Hi-Five Ghost''': ''[appears]'' His girlfriend Starla dumped him last night.
:'''Rigby''': What?! Muscle Man had a girlfriend? I wonder who had more junk in the trunk.
:'''Mordecai''': Muscle Man, just come out! We can talk about it if you want.
:'''Muscle Man''': NO!!! I DON'T TALK ABOUT MY FEELINGS WITH ''ANYONE''!! LEAVE ME ''ALONE''!!!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Alright, Muscle Man, grocery stores have tons of available women.
:'''Muscle Man''': I don't know, Mordecai... None of these ladies are as hot as Starla.
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, man up! Check this out. ''[points]'' That girl is single.
:'''Muscle Man''': How can you tell?
:'''Mordecai''': Check out her cart. American cheese singles, a single serving of soup—and who buys one banana? And I don't see a ring on that finger. So what're you waiting for? Go get her!
:'''Muscle Man''': ''[walks to her]'' Uhh... hey. You're a chick. I was wondering if you wanted to....
:''[....]''
:'''Muscle Man''': I CAN'T DO THIS!! ''[rips shirt showing his chest tattoo]'' THIS HEART BEATS FOR ANOTHER!!! ''[cries as the woman continues strolling]'' STARLAAA!!!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Look! I know how Muscle Man can be. He's annoying, he smells, and he pretty much has no common decency for others, but he's still human. And he has feelings. We all do. We're just fragile beings looking for someone to share something with. To laugh with. To love.

===''Temp Check'' [2.8a]===
:'''Benson''': Hold it. Nope. It's no good.
:'''Both''': Aw, what?
:'''Benson''': It's an INCH TOO tall. Do it again. Do it &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt; '''''ALL''''' '''AGAIN'''!!!!!!&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Both''': (GROAN)
:'''Rigby''': '''It's just ''one'' inch!'''
:'''Benson''': Would you want to play Ultimate Frisbee in this? A guy could trip, skid, get severe turf rash and BAM!! [[Lawsuit]]. Now get to work. 
:'''Rigby''': But- but- but-
:'''Benson''': Oh wait... Is that the sound of somebody who wants to be fired? (silence) That's what I thought.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': So, tell me a little about yourself.
:'''Guy''': ''[with fire on his back]'' Uh, I like pyrotechnics. ''[fireworks blows off his pocket, sets ablaze his pants]''
:'''Rigby''': So, what're you good at?
:'''Parrot''': Rragh! Pyrotechnics! ''[boom!!]''
:''(...)''
:'''Rigby''': Let me guess. You like pyrotechnics.
:'''Redneck''': No. But I do like this. ''[brings harmonica to his rear end]''
:''[...]''
:'''Rigby''': Alright, alright. That's enough!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Benson''': (Turning red) &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;I'm the only one around here who hires and fires. So if you don't really wanna do your own job, I'd be glad to accommodate you. Otherwise, you're on toilet duty for the next '''THREE MONTHS!'''&lt;/span&gt; Unbelievable!

===''Jinx'' [2.8b]===
:'''Benson''': Of course all this trash would still be here. Why do I even try? ''[spots Rigby]'' Hey! Hey!! Get over here right now!
:''[...]''
:'''Rigby''': Benson! Hey man, I need you—
:'''Benson''': ''[covers Rigby's mouth]'' No. Stop. Don't say anything. What is this? You guys expect me to let this slide?
:'''Rigby''': No—yes—I dunno. Look, I just need you—
:'''Benson''': Ugh, what you need? Well, I need is for you to start cleaning up right now or you're FIRED!!
:'''Rigby''': Okay, okay! I'm doin' it! But can you just say my name three— ''[sees Mordecai behind the tree]''
:'''Benson''': What? Say your name? ''[Mordecai holds his fist]'' Why do you want me to say your name? ''[looks behind]'' What? What're you looking at?
:''[Mordecai runs off]''
:'''Benson''': Is that Mordecai? Mordecai!! Mordecai, get over here this second or you're fired! ''[canned by Rigby]'' What the heck, Rigby?! What's the matter with you?? ''[Rigby smiles, cans him again]'' ''AHH!!'' RIGBY!! ''[Rigby trashs him]'' AUGHH''!!'' RAAAHHHHH!!! RAAAAAHHHUH''!!!'' ''[furiously throws trash can up high into the ground and angrily long kicks it]'' RAAAGGHHHHH''!!!''
:'''Rigby''': JUST SAY MY NAME ONE MORE TIME!!! ''[looks up beside Mordecai]''
:'''Mordecai''': Hmhm. Hm. ''[PUNCH!!]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': Gotta find somebody, gotta find somebody! Fives!! You gotta help me, man! You gotta say my name three times! ''[beat]'' I'm jinxed and Mordecai's taking this thing way too far! You gotta say my name three times!!
:''[Fives shakes his head]''
:'''Rigby''': COME OOON!!! ''[Fives shakes again]'' WHY NOT?!?!
:'''Fives''': Because I'm jinxed too...
:'''Muscle Man''': Aha! ''[leap-punches Fives]'' No talking while you're jinxed, loser!
:'''Fives''': Help.. me—
:'''Muscle Man''': SHUT YOUR MOUTH''!!''
:'''Rigby''': Hi-Five Ghost, Hi-Five Ghost, Hi-Five Ghost!
:'''Muscle Man''': Hey!!
:'''Fives''': Ah ha ha ha ha! Whoo!!
:'''Rigby''': Dude, help me back! ''[Fives flies off]'' NO, WAIT!!
:'''Muscle Man''': Dude, why'd you do that for?!
:'''Rigby''': I'm sorry, I just needed to get rid of my jinx!
:'''Muscle Man''': Why don't you take it off yourself?
:'''Rigby''': You can do that?
:'''Muscle Man''': Pft, yeah, it's easy. Now, here's what you gotta do.

===''See You There'' [2.9a]===
:'''Muscle Man:''' Yo, HFG! I found a video game system on the ground. Let's see what happens when we put it in the Microwave.

===''Do Me a Solid'' [2.9b]===
:'''Pops''': Yoo-hoo! Mordecai! Rigby!
:'''Both''': Hey, Pops! Hey, Skips!
:'''Skips''': You think you want some chips with that cheese?
:'''Rigby''': Oh, yeah, I guess we overdid it with the cheese, huh? HYAH!! (SPLAT!!)
:''[all laugh]''
:'''Pops''': Are you supposed to be working at the snack bar today?
:'''Rigby''': Do us a solid and cover for us?
:'''Skips''': You shouldn't abuse the power of the solid. Bad things will happen.
:'''Mordecai''': Can you at least pretend you didn't see us?
:'''Skips''': Okay, but you owe me a solid. ''[drives off]''
:'''Rigby''': We should probably get outta here.
:'''Mordecai''': Do me a solid and buy me a cup of coffee?

===''Grave Sights'' [2.10a]===
:'''Guy:''' OH, MAN! Did You just See That zombie Take a discus to the face?! ''(everyone cheers)''
-----
:'''Mordecai and Rigby:''' ''(singing obnoxiously)'' Because we know everything about scary movies and you know nothing about scary movies! We'll save the park with our knowledge of scary movies!!
:'''Benson:'''  [livid] '''STOP SINGING OR YOU’RE FIRED!!!'''
:'''Mordecai and Rigby:''' Our... knowledge... of... scary... movies...
:'''Mordecai:''' We'll go get the movie...
-----
:'''Zombie Slayer''': Baby, you let yourself go real bad. 
:''[She groans; Mordecai grabs Rigby's shoulder which makes Rigby yell, jumps into Mordecai's arms and knock over the projector, causing the film to stop; the crowd boos]''
:'''Rigby''': Dude, why did you do that? 
:'''Mordecai''': I didn't know you'd freak out that bad. 
:'''Man''': Hey I want my money back! 
:''[Others agree and Benson, who's in the crowd, turns around to see Mordecai and Rigby]''
:'''Benson''': Fix it! Fix It! 
:'''Mordecai''': Come on, come on! 
:''[They put the projector back on the box, Rigby blows on the tape then accidentally spits on it]''
:'''Mordecai''': Aw, why did you spit on it? 
:'''Rigby''': Shut up, shut up, shut up! 
:'''Man''': This is terrible!
:''[Rigby puts it in the projector the wrong way and it doesn't work]''
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, why isn't it working? 
:'''Benson''': ''[Slamming his chair against the ground in frustration]'' Fix it! FIX IT! FIX IT! 
:''[Rigby gets on the projector and shakes it; it causes rays to go out and into the ground while one of which hits a guy]''
:'''Man''': Ow, my kidneys!
:''[A zombie is seen awakening, and Mordecai takes the tape out]''
:'''Mordecai''': Aw dude, you put it in backwards! 
:''[Mordecai puts it in the projector the right way]''
:'''Mordecai''': There.
:''[The movie continues playing, the crowd cheers and Benson goes back to watching the movie]''
:'''Both''': Phew.
:'''Rigby''': Hmph, hmph. Thanks for almost getting rid of our paid day-off, you loser.

===''Really Real Wrestling'' [2.10b]===
:'''Mordecai''': &quot;Listen up, Mysterious Mister R! Mad Man Mordo's going to take you down! And I'm not talkin' downtown; I'm talkin' 6 ft underground!&quot; 
:'''Rigby:''' &quot;Mad Man Mordo? More like Bland Man Bordo! When I'm done with you people are gonna be like &quot;Ugh! What happened to his face?&quot; and I'll be like &quot;Mysterious Mister R is what happened to his face!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': And that's why we don't have tickets for wrestling because all you can think about is Benson's crank.
&lt;hr width=72%&gt;
:'''Benson''': I knew it. I had a sick feeling, so I came to check on you, and I KNEW it.
:'''Mordecai''': Wait, listen, Benson...
:'''Benson''': No! You guys are FIRED! That's it.
:'''Rigby''': Wait, what? Come on!
:'''Benson''': No! I told you guys, but you DIDN'T wanna listen!

===''Over the Top'' [2.11a]===

:'''Mordecai''': You couldn't let it go. Well, I hope you got what you wanted.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Benson''': Hey! Let me tell you guys something. This guy.. this guy right here is SO strong. He could take anyone of you OUT in arm-wrestling.
:'''Skips''': Nah, nah...
:'''Benson''': Skips! SKIPS!  I am your boss''!!'' And as your boss, I order you to arm-wrestle me.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Muscle Man''': Aw yeah! Meat Cooler Kings round two!
:'''Fives''': Shotgun!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': So everybody thinks I'm dead?
:'''Skips''': Yep.
:'''Rigby''': Dude! We gotta prank 'em!
:'''Skips''': Uh.. Y'know Rigby, I think I've had enough pranks for today.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby:''' (''after beating Skips at arm wrestling'') HATERS GONNA HATE!
----
:'''Skips:''' Two words... PLAYCO ARMBOY!
----
:'''Death:''' I ''will'' have your immortal soul.

===''The Night Owl'' [2.11b]===
:'''Mordecai''': Well, we did it.
:'''Muscle Man''': Yep.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah.
:'''Muscle Man''': Guess all that's left to do now is step down and get the car.
:'''Rigby''': That sounds about right.
:'''Muscle Man''': Well, I'll meet you guys down there. I gotta take down the tent first.
:'''Mordecai''': No, no — we'll take care of the tent. You should go first.
:'''Muscle Man''': I'm not stepping off this thing until you three step off it first.
:'''Mordecai''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Muscle Man''': It means I ''know'' what you're up to!
:'''Mordecai''': You know what I'M up to!? I know what ''YOU'RE'' up to! Step one: working with you is a huge mistake, and step two: get off this billboard, you smell like barf!
:'''Muscle Man''': '''''YOU'' SMELL LIKE BARF!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': GET OFF THIS BILLBOARD, BARF SACK!
:'''Muscle Man''': '''DON'T CALL ME A BARF SACK!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Night Owl''': How does it feel to be part of the final four?
:'''Rigby''': It feels GREAT!
:'''Mordecai''': Awesome!
:'''Fives''': It's exciting!
:'''Muscle Man''': WOOOOO''!!!''
:'''Night Owl''': Mmhm. And how did you make it this far?
:'''Muscle Man''': Working together, baby!!
:'''Night Owl''': ''[chuckles]'' Fantastic. So, what're gonna do with the car?
:'''Rigby''': Share it.
:'''Night Owl''': Hmm, that's funny. Because that's not what Mordecai said.
:'''Muscle Man''': What did Mordecai say..?
:'''Night Owl''': Well, that he was gonna take the car for himself.
:'''Fives''': Rigby said that?
:'''Night Owl''': Yeah. That's what Muscle Man said.
:'''Mordecai''': I knew it!
:'''Rigby''': That jerk.
:'''Fives''': I can't believe this!
:'''Muscle Man''': Oh, he's gonna pay!

===''A Bunch of Baby Ducks'' [2.12a]===
:'''Benson''': I don't care! Find someone to take care of these ducks right now and get back to work or you're fired!

&lt;hr width=100%&gt;
:'''Baby Duck:''' Hey Mordecai and Rigby, thanks. 
:(''Mordecai and Rigby both smile'')
:'''Baby Duck:''' For being the coolest losers we know!
:'''Baby Duck, Moredecai and Rigby:''' OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!
----
:'''Rigby:''' Hmm-hmm. Step off! Step off! You don't want none of this!
----
:'''Moredecai:''' Is there any other things that might need cleaning?
:''[Benson walks away]''
:'''Mordecai:''' ...Benson?
----

===''More Smarter'' [2.12b]===

'''Benson''': And if you don't stop goofing off and clean up this graffiti '''NOW! I’M GONNA TEAR YOU LIMB FROM LIMB!!!'''
:'''Mordecai &amp; Rigby''': Huh...??
:'''Benson''': Do you have anything to say for yourselves?
:'''Rigby''': What just happened?
:'''Mordecai''': Ugh, I don't remember anything...
:'''Muscle Man''': Me and Fives were practicing for a pie-eating contest when you two dweebs came in speaking Spanish or something. ''[chows down pie]''
:'''Fives''': Then you drank that green stuff.
:'''Mordecai''': ''AUGH''!! I can't believe you made me drink your lame drink!
:'''Benson''': Better get started, or it's coming out of your paycheck.
:'''Muscle Man''': Yeah, losers.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': In closing, your theories had failed to prove that you're smarter – for your brain is no bigger than a WALNUT.
:(WALNUT) ''CRAK!!''
:'''Rigby''': Very funny Mordecai, but your paper is fundamentally flawed because your brain is made up of 99% CANINE BUTT CHEEKS.
:(BUTT CHEEKS) ''FWOO-CRAK!!''
:'''Mordecai''': There is still one irrefutable truth. You don't have a high school diploma! So I'm smarter than you! You IMBECILE''!!''
:(IMBECILE) ''FWOOSH-KLAK!!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Benson''': Mordecai, Rigby, get downstairs right now and clean up the mess you made, or I'm gonna fire....
:''[into the smarter world]''
:'''Rigby''': Dude, what is he saying?
:''[Benson, Pops and Skips are now ape-like neanderthals speaking nonsensical gibberish]''
:'''Mordecai''': Oh no! We've become so smart they're stupid to us!
:''[in the real world]''
:'''Mordecai''': Quarum hie vitio morionis!
:'''Rigby''': MORIONIS''!!?'' Moroionis vestros incipe et rem TOTAM''!!''
:'''Mordecai''': Et harum facere daberet ire stultum!
Rigby: If you haven't made fun of me so much, none of this would've happened.

Mordecai: Whatever. You can't even get your diploma, because we're so smart. So, what's the point?

Rigby: You're right. There is no point.

Mordecai: Huh?

Rigby: What's the point of being so smart, if you can't even under- (off-screen) -stand anyone? (on-screen) We have to get stupid again.

Mordecai: How?

Rigby: ...RigJuice.

Mordecai: The fridge! (Mordecai and Rigby float to the fridge.)

(Scene then shows Muscle Man and High-Fives in a different way too while Muscle Man is eating.)

(Rigby opened the fridge.)

Rigby: Ah ha! The RigJuice!

Mordecai: Pour me some.

(Rigby pours the RigJuice to his cup which shows how the material is made out of.)

Rigby: Whoa... It looks... different now.

Mordecai: Ready?

Rigby: Wait. If I drink this, I'll never get my diploma.

Mordecai: Dude, it's just a piece of paper.

Rigby: I know that, but you'll never stop making fun of me for it.

Mordecai: I don't care. I won't make fun of you anymore. I promise. To being stupid?

(Little silence appears)

Rigby: To being stupid. Bottoms up.

===''First Day'' [2.13a]===
:''[Mordecai opens a refrigerator]''
:'''Mordecai''': ...Milk... 
:''[Rigby opens a cupboard]'' 
:'''Rigby''': ...Cereal... 
:''[They are both at the table and they both pour the milk and cereal into a bowl]''
:'''Mordecai/Rigby''': ...Combine. 
:''[Rigby is about to eat the cereal with his face, but Mordecai stops him]''
:'''Mordecai''': ''[picks up a spoon]''  This is the only clean spoon left, dude, lets play &quot;punchies&quot; for it.
:'''Rigby''': Okay, me first. 
:''[Rigby punches Mordecai, but Rigby is shocked at how weak his punch was]'' 
:'''Mordecai''': ''[starts laughing, then punches Rigby harder]'' 
:'''Rigby''': ''[rubs his arm]'' Ow. Take it! 
:''[Rigby moves to the other side of the table as Mordecai laughs and starts eating his breakfast]'' 
:'''Mordecai''': ''[stops eating]'' Man, so far, this job is awesome! I still can't believe we have our own rooms! 
:'''Rigby''': Dude, those rooms aren't cool, there's nothing in them, I had to sleep on the floor last night! 
:''[Rigby starts pouring cereal into his mouth]''
:'''Mordecai''': Well, yeah. I mean, we can go and get stuff for it, once we've earned some money! Ya Know! 
:'''Rigby''': ''[seems full on cereal]'' Yeah, I guess. 
:'''Mordecai''': You want some milk? 
:'''Rigby''': Yeah. 
:''[Mordecai starts pouring milk into Rigby's mouth]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''(Everybody gets up; the park is ruined)''
:'''Mordecai''': Did you win?
:'''Rigby''': ''(coughs)''
:'''Mordecai''': I think you win.
:'''Rigby''': ''(sighs) '' It doesn't matter. I wasn't able to hold on to the chair anyways.
:'''Pops''': Look!
:''(half of the chair is still left)''
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': Aww, cool.
:'''Benson''': No you don't, you're not getting that chair. But here's what you ''do'' get: You get to flip that cart back over, you're throwing' that chair away, and then you're cleaning up this whole '''MESS!!''' Pops, you're comin' with me. And you two idiots, if this isn't cleaned up when I get back, &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''YOU'RE FIRED!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Benson walks into the house with Pops and Skips]''
:'''Mordecai''': Okay, starting now, let's both promise not to do anything to screw this up. Agreed?
:'''Rigby''': Agreed. Rock-paper-scissors for who gets to drive the cart?

===''Go Viral'' [2.13b]===
:'''Wedgie Ninja''': Help me.
:'''Mordecai''': What?
:'''Warden of the Internet''': What's your name?
:'''Pops''': Pops.
:'''Rigby''': It's Pops!
:'''Warden of the Internet''': Step over to your right, Pops.
:'''Pops''': Is this my passport photo for the interwebs?
:'''Warden of the Internet''': Sort of.
:'''Pops''': Ooh, I love photos. I am ready, madame.
:'''Warden of the Internet''': Say 'doomed for eternity.'
:'''Pops''': Doomed for eternity! Oh!
:'''Rigby''': No!

===''Skunked'' [2.14a]===
:'''Rigby''': What!? AHHH! What am I gonna do now!?
:'''Mordecai''': I dunno dude, but we gotta get that smell off you. It reeks.
:''[Rigby angrily ticks off; his pupils dilated, his body has grown larger and violently throttles Mordecai]''
:'''Rigby''': DON'T TELL ME ABOUT HOW I SMELL! I KNOW IT REEKS! YOU DON'T THINK I KNOW IT REEKS!?

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': Dude, Bingo!
:'''Mordecai''': Bingo?
:'''Rigby''': Bingo, bingo!
:'''Mordecai''': Bingo!
:'''Rigby''': Ohhhhh!
:'''Mordecai''': Woahhhhh!

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': '''YOU THINK YOU'RE SO SMART DON'T YOU!? &quot;OH LOOK AT ME, I'M SKIPS, I KNOW EVERYTHING BECAUSE I'M SO ''OLD!''&quot; LET ME TELL YA HOW TO FIX YOUR PROBLEMS IN A REALLY LAME WAY! WELL YA KNOW WHAT I THINK!?''' ''[angrily grabs Skips]'' YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHIN'! YOU DON'T KNOW ''NOTHIN!'' ''[drops him]''

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Teenager''': ''[coughs twice]'' Thank...You. ''[passes out, unconscious]''
:'''Mordecai''': He still counts as a skunk, right?
:'''Rigby''': ''Totally'' counts as a skunk.

===''Karaoke Video'' [2.14b]===
:'''Carrey O'Key''': I SAID NO! I can play that tape whenever I feel like it, and there's not a darn thing you can do about it. I don't want to see you punks back here again. You're &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt; '''BANNED. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Sorry, guys.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, sorry.
:'''Mordecai''': We didn't mean to ruin your good time.
:'''Benson''': No, no! I don't wanna hear it. Hey, I don't know what was on that tape or why those guys were after it, but I'm gonna get to the bottom of this. ''(Turns pink)'' &lt;span style=&quot;color:pink&quot;&gt; &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''You've ruined karaoke night.'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/span&gt;
:''(Benson and the gang donut-straight outta here, leaving them both Mordecai and Rigby behind)''
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah, uh– I know, that's why we tried to... apologize... to you. Man, karaoke sucks.

==External links==

{{wikipedia|Regular Show}}

[[Category:Regular Show seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>7ey37xrh594exrfmpkxi8akbiuvzrvu</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147531</id>
      <parentid>3147526</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:21:02Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Timmy.swartley.8</username>
        <id>3126758</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Benson Be Gone [2.6a] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="39733" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Seasons:''' [[Regular Show (season 1)|1]] [[Regular Show (season 2)|2]] [[Regular Show (season 3)|3]] [[Regular Show (season 4)|4]] [[Regular Show (season 5)|5]] [[Regular Show (season 6)|6]] [[Regular Show (season 7)|7]] [[Regular Show (season 8)|8]] | [[Regular Show: The Movie|Film]] | [[Regular Show|Main]]
----

The following is a list of quotes from the second season of ''[[Regular Show]]''.

===''Ello Gov'nor'' [2.1a]===
*'''Rigby''': (screams) Mordecai! Wake up! Wake up!
*'''Mordecai''': (in taxi's voice) Ello, &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt; gov'nor!&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;  (turns around to show that his eyes are lit up like carlights. Rigby screams and step back. Mordecai sits up and the British taxi comes out of his body and comes toward Rigby before nightmare ends. Rigby wakes up, screaming, until he gets hit by a pillow thrown by Mordecai.)
*'''Mordecai''': Dude, chill out. You're screaming like a freaking maniac!
*'''Rigby''': I keep having nightmares and bad dreams!
*'''Mordecai''': Just dream about something else then. (lies back down) Dream like you're a tough guy or something.
*'''Rigby''': (trying to sleep) I'm a tough guy. (He says &quot;tough guy&quot; repeatedly).
*''(In his dream, he is a tough guy named Fists and is walking down the street at nighttime.)''
*'''Fists''': They say this city's tough. But I'm tougher. (walks into a dark alley, and a gangster with half of his hair shaved off follows him with a knife)
*'''Gangster''': You walked down the wrong alley, Riggerson. (Fists pins him against the wall.)
*'''Fists''': The name's... (pulls fist back) ...Fists! (He's about to punch him, but then, the taxi comes and shines its lights on him and the gangster.)
*'''British Taxi''': Ello, gov'nor!
*''Fists screams before taxi drives into Fists and gangster''.
:'''Rigby''': (Screams awake again.)
:'''Mordecai''': (Groans angrily with his hands crunching) What the heck, Rigby?!
:'''Rigby''': It's that stupid British taxi. It's all inside my brain!
:'''Mordecai''': Ugh, I knew it. I knew this would happen! I told you we shouldn't have watched that movie.
:'''Rigby''': I know, I'm sorry, I can't help it.
:'''Mordecai''': Ah, all right, dude, we're just gonna desensitize you the horror. We're gonna watch Ello Gov'nor over and over again, until you stop being scared.
:''[later, in the living room]''
:'''Mordecai''': ''[as he pushes Rigby against the screen]'' Look at it. ''Look at it.'' It's not real! You can see the microphone showing!!
:'''Rigby''': Let me go!!
:'''Mordecai''': LOOK AT IT!!
:'''Rigby''': Get off me!
:'''Mordecai''': I'm sick of you keeping me up! You look at it.
:'''Rigby''': LET ME GO!
:'''Mordecai''': LOOK AT IT!!
:'''Rigby''': '''LET ME GO!!'''
:'''Mordecai''': Look at it. Look...at it...you look at it, you...look at it.
:'''Rigby''': Let... me GO!! (Throws the cover)
:'''Benson''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt; '''What the heck is going on?!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Rigby's just freaked off by this stupid dumb British movie we watched.
:'''Benson''': Well you'd better have this place cleaned up by the time I get back from my cricket game.
:'''Mordecai''': Cricket?
:'''Benson''': Yeah. I'm trying new things.. So what.
:'''Mordecai''': (gasps) Will British people be there?
:'''Benson''': It's cricket. What do you think?

===''It's Time'' [2.1b]===
:'''Mordecai''': All right, dude. I'll go to the movie with you. Just call it of with her.
:'''Rigby''': ''[scoffs]'' Yeah, right. I'm not going with you. You had your chance to ask her and you blew it. YOU BLEW IT!
:'''Mordecai''': ''[groans]'' Come on, dude...just give me another chance.
:'''Rigby''': Okay...I'll give you another chance if you admit that you're ''jealous''.
:'''Mordecai''': No!! I'm not jealous!
:'''Rigby''': Then I guess ''I'm'' still going out with Margaret! OOOOOOHHHHH! YOU BLEW IT AGAIN, YOU BLEW IT AGAIN!

===''Appreciation Day'' [2.2a]===
:'''Rigby''': Whoa.
:'''Mordecai &amp; Rigby''': Cool!
:'''Benson''': I'll take that! I don't know what's been going on here or why you two jokers have my book, so you had better clean this mess up starting now, OR '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; YOU'RE BOTH FIRED!!'''
:'''Mordecai''': What mess?
:'''Benson''': ''[He looks around and sees no mess at all]'' Uh—
:'''Rigby''': We did all the job you asked us to do.
:'''Benson''': ... Skips, let's get outta here.
:''[Benson gets in the golf cart, then Benson and Skips drive away]''
:'''Rigby''': What? Still no appreciation plaques?

===''Peeps'' [2.2b]===
:'''Margaret''': Hey, guys. What's with the cameras?
:'''Mordecai''': These? Um... we're making an indie documentary.
:'''Margaret''': Whoa, that's cool!
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah...it's pretty obscure...art-house stuff...
:'''Rigby''': It's so indie, only one dude's gonna see it!
:'''Margaret''': What's it called?
:'''Benson''': ''[on mic] It's called &quot;Slackers 2: The Return of Mordecai and Rigby To Their Jobs&quot;. [on watch]'' Break's over!
:'''Mordecai''': Uh, I guess we'll take two lattes.
:'''Benson''': ''TO GO!!''

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Oh! Uh, hey, Benson! We were just getting back to work!
:'''Benson''': It's okay, Mordecai. I trust you.
:'''Mordecai''': Really?
:'''Benson''': Of course I do! Because now I have this! ''[sets up camera]'' Say hello to Peeps. It's a surveillance system! Now I'll be able to see what you're up to all the time! 24/7, 365. Isn't that great? Well, I'll let you guys finish your work. And remember: I'm watching you. ''[walks away]''
:'''Rigby''': Dude, I don't think Benson trusts us at all!

===''Dizzy'' [2.3a]===
:'''Benson''': It's always good to have you at the park, Mr. Maellard...sir.
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Don't try to fraternize with me, Bert.
:'''Benson''': Actually, sir, my name is &quot;Benson&quot;.
:'''Mr. Maellard''': ''I KNOW WHAT YOUR NAME IS, BEANBAG!!'' So everything is ready for the unveiling of the new statue today, right, ''Beanbag''?
:'''Benson''': Yes, sir. The catering's all set and the sound system is in place.
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Good. Great. There's only one thing missing — my son, ''Pops''!! When I told him he had to give a speech today, he ran away, crying! I didn't invite all my friends and waste a lot of money for nothing. Right, Beenteen?
:'''Benson''': Uh... no, sir.
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Now go find Pops so he can give his speech, or you're FIRED!! Underline, FIRED!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Benson''': I can't find Pops! Did you see him?
:'''Skips''': No! I checked everywhere!
:'''Benson''': Muscle Man! Have you seen Pops at all today?
:'''Muscle Man''': Yeah. And you know who else has seen Pops today?
:'''Benson''': Who? Your mom?
:'''Muscle Man''': I wasn't gonna say that!! Why does everyone always think I'm going to say &quot;my mom&quot;?! I saw Pops earlier by the playground with those two losers.
:'''Benson''': Oh, great. Mordecai and Rigby found him first.
:'''Skips''': We better find him ''quick''!

===''My Mom'' [2.3b]===
:'''Muscle Man''': You know who else has the best tacos in the city?
:'''Rigby''': Dude, Benson will blow a fuse if he finds out we were slacking off!
:'''Muscle Man''': You know who else would blow a fuse if she found out we were slacking off?
:'''Mordecai''': We don't have time for this!
:'''Muscle Man''': You know who else doesn't have time for this!?
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': UGH!!
:'''Muscle Man''': You know who else says &quot;ugh&quot;?! '''MY MOM!!!!'''

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Muscle Man''': Are you making fun of my mom?!?! YOU'RE MAKING FUN OF MY MOM!! NO-ONE ''MAKES FUN OF MY MOM!!!''
:'''John''': &quot;''Yo, little brother! My ears are ringin! Is someone makin fun of our mom!?'' &quot;
:'''Muscle Man''': Yeah, they are bro!
:'''John''': &quot;''Oh no bro!'' &quot;
:'''Muscle Man''': I know bro!
:'''John''': &quot;''That's it! I'm comin up there!'' &quot;

===''High Score'' [2.4a]===
:'''Mordecai:''' (groans) What now? Look, we're working. See!
:'''Rigby:''' Yeah, we're never gonna get done if you keep checking up on us!
:'''Benson:''' It's payday, fellas.
:''(Mordecai and Rigby run towards Benson)''
:'''Mordecai:''' Yeah-yuh!
:'''Rigby:''' Aww, nice! My favorite day of the every other week!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Oh hey, Benson. What're you doin here?
:'''Benson''': I thought about what you guys said earlier and so I've come down to give you those checks you wanted.
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': Oh wow, thanks!
:'''Benson''': BUT now that I'm covered in BRAIN GOO, I realized my mistake! ''[shreds and throws checks]'' '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; You want to waste your lives playing video games, we'll then fine! '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; I '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; RESPECT''' '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; YOUR DECISION!!''' '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; JUST DON'T DO IT ON MY TIME HERE EVER AGAIN!!'''
:''[beat.]''
:'''Mordecai''': I can respect that.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, that's cool.

===''Rage Against the TV'' [2.4b]===
:'''Rigby''': Oh no, not this guy! We Never beat this guy!
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, we're going to do it this time, come on. Hit him! Hit him!
:'''Rigby''': I am hitting him! Nothing's happening!
:'''Mordecai''': Aw, dude! Try kicking him in the junk! Kick him in the junk! Kick him in the junk!
:'''Rigby''': ''I'M'' kicking him in the junk!
:'''Mordecai''': Well, keep doing it!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Muscle Man''': Who is it?
:'''Mordecai''': It's us.
:'''Muscle Man''': What do you want?
:'''Mordecai''': We wanna borrow your TV!
:'''Muscle Man''': Why?
:'''Mordecai''': Because. We're about to beat The Hammer.
:'''Muscle Man''': WHAT? (''SLAM'') NOBODY can beat The Hammer! It's impossible.
:'''Mordecai''': Pft! Not for us. Will you let us borrow your TV or not?
:'''Muscle Man''': Yeah. You can borrow it... if you can tell me what The Hammer looks like.
:'''Mordecai''': He's blue, with a black mullet.
:'''Muscle Man''': Fives!
:''[Fives scrolls thru Video Game Power Mag to see stats for The Hammer]''
:'''Hi Five Ghost''': Uh-huh.
:'''Muscle Man''': Oh man!
:'''Rigby''': So can we borrow it?
:'''Muscle Man''': Yeah, you can borrow it. So we can watch you LOSE!! Ahaha! WOOO!!! WOOHOO!!! This is gonna be hilari-uhh! (''CRUNCH!!'')
:''[beat]''
:'''Rigby''': Does Benson have a TV?!

===''Party Pete'' [2.5a]===
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': We gonna party!
:'''Mordecai''': Got some chips, got some dip!
:'''Rigby''': Some call me cheap, bit of a free loada, but I﻿ bought cups for that old school soda!
:'''Mordecai''': I dont need to brag, I dont mean to boast, but here's some hummus for these mini toasts!
:'''Rigby''': HUMMUS!
:'''Mordecai''': HUMMUUS!
:'''Both''': HUUUMMUUUS!!!
:'''Benson''': Why are you guys yelling &quot;hummus&quot;?

&lt;hr width=100%&gt;
:'''Benson''': Is that a party I hear?

===''Brain Eraser'' [2.5b]===
:'''Mordecai''': Pops. Yo, Pops. I found your Mustache Monthly. ''(Puts Pops' Moustaches Monthly on a chair and turns his head around, before seeing Pops, just out of the shower and naked.)'' Aaaaagh!
:'''Pops''': Aaaaagh!
:'''Mordecai''': Aaaaagh!
:'''Pops''': Aaaaagh!
:'''Mordecai''': Aaaaagh! ''(In all the confusion, he now catches a glimpse of Pops' junk mail&quot;.)''
:'''Pops''': Aaaaagh! ''(Pops covers his &quot;junk mail&quot; with his hat. Mordecai covers his eyes. They both try to leave but they're in each other's ways&quot;.)''
:'''Mordecai''': ''(breathing)'' Uh... uh... uh... uh...
:'''Pops''': ''(breathing)'' Uh... uh... uh... uh...
:''(Mordecai finally escapes Pops' room as Pops goes into his bathroom. Mordecai goes downstairs and sits on the couch.)''
:'''Mordecai''': Stop playing for a second. When I went upstairs, Pops was getting out of the shower.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, so?
:'''Mordecai''': And he didn't have a towel.
:'''Rigby''': Ewww!
:'''Mordecai''': I tried not to look and just give him the magazine but I saw his...
:'''Rigby''': His junk mail? Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
:'''Mordecai''': No, dude, I'm mentally scarred. It's like the image is glued in the inside of my eyelids. Every saggy, wrinkled, shriveled, pasty...
:'''Rigby''': Whoa, whoa! Don't put it in my head!
:'''Mordecai''': This is your fault! You have to help me.
:'''Rigby''': I'll help you to forget it if you promise to stop talking about it.
:'''Mordecai''': Deal.
:''(They shake hands.)''

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': Trust me, man. This will make you forget.
:'''Mordecai''': (covering his eyes) No, no. I'm not looking at anything ever again. Every time I open my eyes, I see Pops naked.
:'''Rigby''': Just give it a chance.
:'''Mordecai''': No! ''(Rigby grabs Mordecai's arms.)''
:'''Rigby''': Look at it! Look at it! Look at it!
:'''Mordecai''': Get off! I'm not looking at a stupid-- ''(Mordecai opens his eyes wide and sees Planet Chasers: Starlight Excellent)''
:'''Rigby''': Yes!
:''(Rolls of film fly out of Mordecai's eyes and into the bright TV screen)''
:'''Rigby''': Coooool!
:''(Each film cel shows a piece of Mordecai's memory)''
:'''Rigby''': Did it work?
:''(when the film's over, Mordecai groans and mumbles incoherently)''
:'''Rigby''': Mordecai! Do you remember seeing Pops naked? Pops naked? Nude? In the buff? Naked Pops, naked Pops, naked Pops! Awesome! Dude, it totally worked! Up high! Let's... get you some coffee.

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': It's gone! Naked Pops is gone! I don't remember it anymore!
:'''Benson''': What did you guys do? What is this mess? I can't even take a shower around here without you guys screwing things up--

===''Benson Be Gone'' [2.6a]===
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Snacks disappearing from the snack bar, holes in the walls — $500 worth of prank phone calls?! It's ridiculous! What are you doing to my park, Beenteen?
:'''Benson''': But sir, it's not my fault. It's Mordecai and Rigby. It's right here on my report.
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Are you my park manager, Beenteen?
:'''Benson''': Yes, sir.
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Then ''everything'' that happens here is your fault!
:'''Benson''': Well... yes, technically, but— 
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Say it.
:'''Benson''': ...Everything that happens here is my fault.
:''[a white limo crashes through the left side of the office!]''
:'''Mr. Maellard''': MY CAR!!
:''[Mordecai rolls down the window]''
:'''Mordecai''': Sorry, Benson, remember how I told you I can drive stick? Well, I'm a little rusty.
:'''Rigby''': I told you you should've let me be the one to park it!
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Why are they driving my car when I specifically TOLD ''YOU'' TO PARK IT?!!
:'''Benson''': I did, sir, but I delegated it to Mordecai and Rigby.
:'''Mordecai''': ...Uhh, this is getting a little awkward, so we're gonna take off. ''[backs away]''
:'''Benson''': Wait!!
:''[the limo then falls onto the side of the house, bleeping]''
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Oooh that's it! Emergency meeting tomorrow! Things are going to change around here. I'm sure you're all anxious to get back to work so let make this brief Beancan you're being demoted. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Come on, Benson! We gotta rake these leaves, dude.
:'''Benson''': I can't do this.
:'''Mordecai''': Look, you're bummed out about getting demoted, but if you give it a chance you'll see it's not that bad.
:'''Benson''': ...This is horrible.
:'''Mordecai''': No it's not, you're just in a bad mood. Look, you just need to take your mind off it for a while and have some fun.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah man, we can come back later and finish these leaves.
:'''Benson''': Ahah! This is so typical. You get bored so you just slack off instead of finishing your work.
:'''Mordecai''': It's not slacking, we're just taking a break. And besides, it's not like you're working that hard anyway.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, you're raking like an old man that has a fatter old man holding his arms down.
:'''Benson''': '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; I DON'T FEEL LIKE RAKING NOW, OKAY?!'''
:'''Rigby''': I'm just sayin'...
:'''Benson''': What if Susan catches us? She'll probably fire us for not working.

===''But I Have a Receipt'' [2.6b]===
:'''Mordecai''': ''[reads Darthon manual]'' &quot;Your party walks down a long hallway and reaches a locked door. What do you do?&quot;
:'''Muscle Man''': I smash it open with my war claw! Then, a bunch of ladies come out and they're all, &quot;Ooh, Muscle Man! Quit pinching my butt with your war claw!&quot;
:'''Rigby''': ''[reads]'' &quot;Roll the 50-sided die to see if you unlock the door.&quot;
:'''Skips''': All we have is a 48-sided die and two marbles.
:'''Rigby''': Close enough. ''[Muscle Man chucks the die and marbles]''
:'''Muscle Man''': Huh! ''[the die and marbles roll onto the floor]'' Did it work?
:'''Rigby''': Uhh... I don't think so.
:'''Muscle Man''': This blows!
:'''Pops''': Mordecai, Mordecai! ''[western accent]'' Well, I reckon I'd like a turn now!
:'''Mordecai''': Cyborg cowboys take three days to awaken from hypersleep. Sorry, Pops.
:'''Pops''': Oh...
:'''Skips''': Can't he cast a saving throw?
:'''Mordecai''': U-uh...
:'''Benson''': What does all this stuff mean? Are we even IN Darthon yet?
:'''Mordecai''': Uhh...
:'''Benson''': Or is that just an artifact or something?
:'''Mordecai''': Uhh... ''[shuts book]'' &quot;Your party is suddenly ambushed by a flock of man-bats!&quot; Skips the Mighty gets first strike.
:'''Skips''': ''[rolls die and marbles]'' Hi-yah!
:'''Rigby''': Let's see. Pirate samurai have +2 constitution, -3 charisma, divide by number of geese... Do we have a protractor?
:'''Benson''': I'm outta here.
:'''Muscle Man''': Worst game night ever!
:'''Rigby''': Aah!! Dude, they're RIGHT! This game sucks!
:'''Mordecai''': Let's get our money back.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Pops''': Mordecai, Rigby!
:'''Mordecai''': Pops! Where have you guys been?
:'''Benson''': We were hiding in the armor closet, then suddenly we were in the stock room at Shoe Farm.
:'''Rigby''': Good thing it was worth it! Seven bones, baby!
:'''Benson''': '''Seven Dollars?!!'''[outraged] '''WE ALMOST DIED FOR''' '''SEVEN''' '''DOLLARS'''?!!
:'''Rigby''': The numbers aren't important!
:'''Mordecai''': It was the principle.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, if we're gonna spend that kinda money, it's gotta be on a COOL game!
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah, something like &quot;Trail of Elderitch&quot; or &quot;The Lair of Anthelon&quot;.
:'''Rigby''': Dude, is that out?
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah, it came out last week.
:'''Both''': ''[run back into store]'' Yeah-hah!

===''This is My Jam'' [2.7a]===
:(''Seeing the Summertime Song as a a physical form, taking the form of a music tape with arms and legs with big, red sunglasses'')
:'''Mordecai:'''...What the heck is that?
:'''Rigby:''' I have no idea what I'm looking at.
:'''Mordecai''': I think the song must've left your head and manifested itself into a physical form.
:'''Rigby''': Well, does it have an &quot;Off&quot; switch?
:'''Mordecai''': I dunno!
:'''Rigby''': Hey, dancing song dude! Knock it off! Dude, quit it! Seriously, man! I'm sick of this song!
:''[Casette drums on Rigby's head]''
:'''Rigby''': Get off! [tackles casette and goes right through it] Oh my gosh, it's a ghost tape! ''[jumps into Mordecai's arms]''
:'''Mordecai''': Dude. Calm down. It's not a ghost. It's just music. You can't touch music. But music can touch you.
:'''Rigby''': Oh, barf. How do we get rid of it?
:'''Mordecai''': I don't know. If we just ignore it, it'll probably just go away

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Everyone especially Benson gets annoyed and enraged by Summertime Song]''
:'''Benson''': ''[Growling, Screaming and Angrily throws a clipboard]''
----
:'''Mordecai:''' I've got an idea: Brain Explosion!
:'''Rigby:''' What!? You can't explode my brain! That's gotta be illegal!

===''Muscle Woman'' [2.7b]===

:'''Mordecai''': Hey Muscle Man, we got work to do, remember? ''[Muscle Man breaks down]''
:'''Rigby''': Dude... are you crying?
:'''Muscle Man''': NO! Crying's for ladies, LIKE ''YOU''!! I don't cry!!
:''[cut to a crying nude Muscle Man in the shower, with Mordecai and Rigby knocking outside his caravan]''
:'''Rigby''': Dude, he's been in there for hours!
:'''Mordecai''': Muscle Man! Muscle Man! ''[looks inside]'' Muscle Man, are you taking a shower so we can't see you crying?
:'''Muscle Man''': '''NO!!''' IT'S... IT'S JUST THE SOUND OF THE WATER HITTING THE DRAIN!!
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, what's wrong with him?
:'''Hi-Five Ghost''': ''[appears]'' His girlfriend Starla dumped him last night.
:'''Rigby''': What?! Muscle Man had a girlfriend? I wonder who had more junk in the trunk.
:'''Mordecai''': Muscle Man, just come out! We can talk about it if you want.
:'''Muscle Man''': NO!!! I DON'T TALK ABOUT MY FEELINGS WITH ''ANYONE''!! LEAVE ME ''ALONE''!!!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Alright, Muscle Man, grocery stores have tons of available women.
:'''Muscle Man''': I don't know, Mordecai... None of these ladies are as hot as Starla.
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, man up! Check this out. ''[points]'' That girl is single.
:'''Muscle Man''': How can you tell?
:'''Mordecai''': Check out her cart. American cheese singles, a single serving of soup—and who buys one banana? And I don't see a ring on that finger. So what're you waiting for? Go get her!
:'''Muscle Man''': ''[walks to her]'' Uhh... hey. You're a chick. I was wondering if you wanted to....
:''[....]''
:'''Muscle Man''': I CAN'T DO THIS!! ''[rips shirt showing his chest tattoo]'' THIS HEART BEATS FOR ANOTHER!!! ''[cries as the woman continues strolling]'' STARLAAA!!!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Look! I know how Muscle Man can be. He's annoying, he smells, and he pretty much has no common decency for others, but he's still human. And he has feelings. We all do. We're just fragile beings looking for someone to share something with. To laugh with. To love.

===''Temp Check'' [2.8a]===
:'''Benson''': Hold it. Nope. It's no good.
:'''Both''': Aw, what?
:'''Benson''': It's an INCH TOO tall. Do it again. Do it &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt; '''''ALL''''' '''AGAIN'''!!!!!!&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Both''': (GROAN)
:'''Rigby''': '''It's just ''one'' inch!'''
:'''Benson''': Would you want to play Ultimate Frisbee in this? A guy could trip, skid, get severe turf rash and BAM!! [[Lawsuit]]. Now get to work. 
:'''Rigby''': But- but- but-
:'''Benson''': Oh wait... Is that the sound of somebody who wants to be fired? (silence) That's what I thought.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': So, tell me a little about yourself.
:'''Guy''': ''[with fire on his back]'' Uh, I like pyrotechnics. ''[fireworks blows off his pocket, sets ablaze his pants]''
:'''Rigby''': So, what're you good at?
:'''Parrot''': Rragh! Pyrotechnics! ''[boom!!]''
:''(...)''
:'''Rigby''': Let me guess. You like pyrotechnics.
:'''Redneck''': No. But I do like this. ''[brings harmonica to his rear end]''
:''[...]''
:'''Rigby''': Alright, alright. That's enough!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Benson''': (Turning red) &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;I'm the only one around here who hires and fires. So if you don't really wanna do your own job, I'd be glad to accommodate you. Otherwise, you're on toilet duty for the next '''THREE MONTHS!'''&lt;/span&gt; Unbelievable!

===''Jinx'' [2.8b]===
:'''Benson''': Of course all this trash would still be here. Why do I even try? ''[spots Rigby]'' Hey! Hey!! Get over here right now!
:''[...]''
:'''Rigby''': Benson! Hey man, I need you—
:'''Benson''': ''[covers Rigby's mouth]'' No. Stop. Don't say anything. What is this? You guys expect me to let this slide?
:'''Rigby''': No—yes—I dunno. Look, I just need you—
:'''Benson''': Ugh, what you need? Well, I need is for you to start cleaning up right now or you're FIRED!!
:'''Rigby''': Okay, okay! I'm doin' it! But can you just say my name three— ''[sees Mordecai behind the tree]''
:'''Benson''': What? Say your name? ''[Mordecai holds his fist]'' Why do you want me to say your name? ''[looks behind]'' What? What're you looking at?
:''[Mordecai runs off]''
:'''Benson''': Is that Mordecai? Mordecai!! Mordecai, get over here this second or you're fired! ''[canned by Rigby]'' What the heck, Rigby?! What's the matter with you?? ''[Rigby smiles, cans him again]'' ''AHH!!'' RIGBY!! ''[Rigby trashs him]'' AUGHH''!!'' RAAAHHHHH!!! RAAAAAHHHUH''!!!'' ''[furiously throws trash can up high into the ground and angrily long kicks it]'' RAAAGGHHHHH''!!!''
:'''Rigby''': JUST SAY MY NAME ONE MORE TIME!!! ''[looks up beside Mordecai]''
:'''Mordecai''': Hmhm. Hm. ''[PUNCH!!]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': Gotta find somebody, gotta find somebody! Fives!! You gotta help me, man! You gotta say my name three times! ''[beat]'' I'm jinxed and Mordecai's taking this thing way too far! You gotta say my name three times!!
:''[Fives shakes his head]''
:'''Rigby''': COME OOON!!! ''[Fives shakes again]'' WHY NOT?!?!
:'''Fives''': Because I'm jinxed too...
:'''Muscle Man''': Aha! ''[leap-punches Fives]'' No talking while you're jinxed, loser!
:'''Fives''': Help.. me—
:'''Muscle Man''': SHUT YOUR MOUTH''!!''
:'''Rigby''': Hi-Five Ghost, Hi-Five Ghost, Hi-Five Ghost!
:'''Muscle Man''': Hey!!
:'''Fives''': Ah ha ha ha ha! Whoo!!
:'''Rigby''': Dude, help me back! ''[Fives flies off]'' NO, WAIT!!
:'''Muscle Man''': Dude, why'd you do that for?!
:'''Rigby''': I'm sorry, I just needed to get rid of my jinx!
:'''Muscle Man''': Why don't you take it off yourself?
:'''Rigby''': You can do that?
:'''Muscle Man''': Pft, yeah, it's easy. Now, here's what you gotta do.

===''See You There'' [2.9a]===
:'''Muscle Man:''' Yo, HFG! I found a video game system on the ground. Let's see what happens when we put it in the Microwave.

===''Do Me a Solid'' [2.9b]===
:'''Pops''': Yoo-hoo! Mordecai! Rigby!
:'''Both''': Hey, Pops! Hey, Skips!
:'''Skips''': You think you want some chips with that cheese?
:'''Rigby''': Oh, yeah, I guess we overdid it with the cheese, huh? HYAH!! (SPLAT!!)
:''[all laugh]''
:'''Pops''': Are you supposed to be working at the snack bar today?
:'''Rigby''': Do us a solid and cover for us?
:'''Skips''': You shouldn't abuse the power of the solid. Bad things will happen.
:'''Mordecai''': Can you at least pretend you didn't see us?
:'''Skips''': Okay, but you owe me a solid. ''[drives off]''
:'''Rigby''': We should probably get outta here.
:'''Mordecai''': Do me a solid and buy me a cup of coffee?

===''Grave Sights'' [2.10a]===
:'''Guy:''' OH, MAN! Did You just See That zombie Take a discus to the face?! ''(everyone cheers)''
-----
:'''Mordecai and Rigby:''' ''(singing obnoxiously)'' Because we know everything about scary movies and you know nothing about scary movies! We'll save the park with our knowledge of scary movies!!
:'''Benson:'''  [livid] '''STOP SINGING OR YOU’RE FIRED!!!'''
:'''Mordecai and Rigby:''' Our... knowledge... of... scary... movies...
:'''Mordecai:''' We'll go get the movie...
-----
:'''Zombie Slayer''': Baby, you let yourself go real bad. 
:''[She groans; Mordecai grabs Rigby's shoulder which makes Rigby yell, jumps into Mordecai's arms and knock over the projector, causing the film to stop; the crowd boos]''
:'''Rigby''': Dude, why did you do that? 
:'''Mordecai''': I didn't know you'd freak out that bad. 
:'''Man''': Hey I want my money back! 
:''[Others agree and Benson, who's in the crowd, turns around to see Mordecai and Rigby]''
:'''Benson''': Fix it! Fix It! 
:'''Mordecai''': Come on, come on! 
:''[They put the projector back on the box, Rigby blows on the tape then accidentally spits on it]''
:'''Mordecai''': Aw, why did you spit on it? 
:'''Rigby''': Shut up, shut up, shut up! 
:'''Man''': This is terrible!
:''[Rigby puts it in the projector the wrong way and it doesn't work]''
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, why isn't it working? 
:'''Benson''': ''[Slamming his chair against the ground in frustration]'' Fix it! FIX IT! FIX IT! 
:''[Rigby gets on the projector and shakes it; it causes rays to go out and into the ground while one of which hits a guy]''
:'''Man''': Ow, my kidneys!
:''[A zombie is seen awakening, and Mordecai takes the tape out]''
:'''Mordecai''': Aw dude, you put it in backwards! 
:''[Mordecai puts it in the projector the right way]''
:'''Mordecai''': There.
:''[The movie continues playing, the crowd cheers and Benson goes back to watching the movie]''
:'''Both''': Phew.
:'''Rigby''': Hmph, hmph. Thanks for almost getting rid of our paid day-off, you loser.

===''Really Real Wrestling'' [2.10b]===
:'''Mordecai''': &quot;Listen up, Mysterious Mister R! Mad Man Mordo's going to take you down! And I'm not talkin' downtown; I'm talkin' 6 ft underground!&quot; 
:'''Rigby:''' &quot;Mad Man Mordo? More like Bland Man Bordo! When I'm done with you people are gonna be like &quot;Ugh! What happened to his face?&quot; and I'll be like &quot;Mysterious Mister R is what happened to his face!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': And that's why we don't have tickets for wrestling because all you can think about is Benson's crank.
&lt;hr width=72%&gt;
:'''Benson''': I knew it. I had a sick feeling, so I came to check on you, and I KNEW it.
:'''Mordecai''': Wait, listen, Benson...
:'''Benson''': No! You guys are FIRED! That's it.
:'''Rigby''': Wait, what? Come on!
:'''Benson''': No! I told you guys, but you DIDN'T wanna listen!

===''Over the Top'' [2.11a]===

:'''Mordecai''': You couldn't let it go. Well, I hope you got what you wanted.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Benson''': Hey! Let me tell you guys something. This guy.. this guy right here is SO strong. He could take anyone of you OUT in arm-wrestling.
:'''Skips''': Nah, nah...
:'''Benson''': Skips! SKIPS!  I am your boss''!!'' And as your boss, I order you to arm-wrestle me.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Muscle Man''': Aw yeah! Meat Cooler Kings round two!
:'''Fives''': Shotgun!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': So everybody thinks I'm dead?
:'''Skips''': Yep.
:'''Rigby''': Dude! We gotta prank 'em!
:'''Skips''': Uh.. Y'know Rigby, I think I've had enough pranks for today.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby:''' (''after beating Skips at arm wrestling'') HATERS GONNA HATE!
----
:'''Skips:''' Two words... PLAYCO ARMBOY!
----
:'''Death:''' I ''will'' have your immortal soul.

===''The Night Owl'' [2.11b]===
:'''Mordecai''': Well, we did it.
:'''Muscle Man''': Yep.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah.
:'''Muscle Man''': Guess all that's left to do now is step down and get the car.
:'''Rigby''': That sounds about right.
:'''Muscle Man''': Well, I'll meet you guys down there. I gotta take down the tent first.
:'''Mordecai''': No, no — we'll take care of the tent. You should go first.
:'''Muscle Man''': I'm not stepping off this thing until you three step off it first.
:'''Mordecai''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Muscle Man''': It means I ''know'' what you're up to!
:'''Mordecai''': You know what I'M up to!? I know what ''YOU'RE'' up to! Step one: working with you is a huge mistake, and step two: get off this billboard, you smell like barf!
:'''Muscle Man''': '''''YOU'' SMELL LIKE BARF!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': GET OFF THIS BILLBOARD, BARF SACK!
:'''Muscle Man''': '''DON'T CALL ME A BARF SACK!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Night Owl''': How does it feel to be part of the final four?
:'''Rigby''': It feels GREAT!
:'''Mordecai''': Awesome!
:'''Fives''': It's exciting!
:'''Muscle Man''': WOOOOO''!!!''
:'''Night Owl''': Mmhm. And how did you make it this far?
:'''Muscle Man''': Working together, baby!!
:'''Night Owl''': ''[chuckles]'' Fantastic. So, what're gonna do with the car?
:'''Rigby''': Share it.
:'''Night Owl''': Hmm, that's funny. Because that's not what Mordecai said.
:'''Muscle Man''': What did Mordecai say..?
:'''Night Owl''': Well, that he was gonna take the car for himself.
:'''Fives''': Rigby said that?
:'''Night Owl''': Yeah. That's what Muscle Man said.
:'''Mordecai''': I knew it!
:'''Rigby''': That jerk.
:'''Fives''': I can't believe this!
:'''Muscle Man''': Oh, he's gonna pay!

===''A Bunch of Baby Ducks'' [2.12a]===
:'''Benson''': I don't care! Find someone to take care of these ducks right now and get back to work or you're fired!

&lt;hr width=100%&gt;
:'''Baby Duck:''' Hey Mordecai and Rigby, thanks. 
:(''Mordecai and Rigby both smile'')
:'''Baby Duck:''' For being the coolest losers we know!
:'''Baby Duck, Moredecai and Rigby:''' OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!
----
:'''Rigby:''' Hmm-hmm. Step off! Step off! You don't want none of this!
----
:'''Moredecai:''' Is there any other things that might need cleaning?
:''[Benson walks away]''
:'''Mordecai:''' ...Benson?
----

===''More Smarter'' [2.12b]===

'''Benson''': And if you don't stop goofing off and clean up this graffiti '''NOW! I’M GONNA TEAR YOU LIMB FROM LIMB!!!'''
:'''Mordecai &amp; Rigby''': Huh...??
:'''Benson''': Do you have anything to say for yourselves?
:'''Rigby''': What just happened?
:'''Mordecai''': Ugh, I don't remember anything...
:'''Muscle Man''': Me and Fives were practicing for a pie-eating contest when you two dweebs came in speaking Spanish or something. ''[chows down pie]''
:'''Fives''': Then you drank that green stuff.
:'''Mordecai''': ''AUGH''!! I can't believe you made me drink your lame drink!
:'''Benson''': Better get started, or it's coming out of your paycheck.
:'''Muscle Man''': Yeah, losers.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': In closing, your theories had failed to prove that you're smarter – for your brain is no bigger than a WALNUT.
:(WALNUT) ''CRAK!!''
:'''Rigby''': Very funny Mordecai, but your paper is fundamentally flawed because your brain is made up of 99% CANINE BUTT CHEEKS.
:(BUTT CHEEKS) ''FWOO-CRAK!!''
:'''Mordecai''': There is still one irrefutable truth. You don't have a high school diploma! So I'm smarter than you! You IMBECILE''!!''
:(IMBECILE) ''FWOOSH-KLAK!!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Benson''': Mordecai, Rigby, get downstairs right now and clean up the mess you made, or I'm gonna fire....
:''[into the smarter world]''
:'''Rigby''': Dude, what is he saying?
:''[Benson, Pops and Skips are now ape-like neanderthals speaking nonsensical gibberish]''
:'''Mordecai''': Oh no! We've become so smart they're stupid to us!
:''[in the real world]''
:'''Mordecai''': Quarum hie vitio morionis!
:'''Rigby''': MORIONIS''!!?'' Moroionis vestros incipe et rem TOTAM''!!''
:'''Mordecai''': Et harum facere daberet ire stultum!
Rigby: If you haven't made fun of me so much, none of this would've happened.

Mordecai: Whatever. You can't even get your diploma, because we're so smart. So, what's the point?

Rigby: You're right. There is no point.

Mordecai: Huh?

Rigby: What's the point of being so smart, if you can't even under- (off-screen) -stand anyone? (on-screen) We have to get stupid again.

Mordecai: How?

Rigby: ...RigJuice.

Mordecai: The fridge! (Mordecai and Rigby float to the fridge.)

(Scene then shows Muscle Man and High-Fives in a different way too while Muscle Man is eating.)

(Rigby opened the fridge.)

Rigby: Ah ha! The RigJuice!

Mordecai: Pour me some.

(Rigby pours the RigJuice to his cup which shows how the material is made out of.)

Rigby: Whoa... It looks... different now.

Mordecai: Ready?

Rigby: Wait. If I drink this, I'll never get my diploma.

Mordecai: Dude, it's just a piece of paper.

Rigby: I know that, but you'll never stop making fun of me for it.

Mordecai: I don't care. I won't make fun of you anymore. I promise. To being stupid?

(Little silence appears)

Rigby: To being stupid. Bottoms up.

===''First Day'' [2.13a]===
:''[Mordecai opens a refrigerator]''
:'''Mordecai''': ...Milk... 
:''[Rigby opens a cupboard]'' 
:'''Rigby''': ...Cereal... 
:''[They are both at the table and they both pour the milk and cereal into a bowl]''
:'''Mordecai/Rigby''': ...Combine. 
:''[Rigby is about to eat the cereal with his face, but Mordecai stops him]''
:'''Mordecai''': ''[picks up a spoon]''  This is the only clean spoon left, dude, lets play &quot;punchies&quot; for it.
:'''Rigby''': Okay, me first. 
:''[Rigby punches Mordecai, but Rigby is shocked at how weak his punch was]'' 
:'''Mordecai''': ''[starts laughing, then punches Rigby harder]'' 
:'''Rigby''': ''[rubs his arm]'' Ow. Take it! 
:''[Rigby moves to the other side of the table as Mordecai laughs and starts eating his breakfast]'' 
:'''Mordecai''': ''[stops eating]'' Man, so far, this job is awesome! I still can't believe we have our own rooms! 
:'''Rigby''': Dude, those rooms aren't cool, there's nothing in them, I had to sleep on the floor last night! 
:''[Rigby starts pouring cereal into his mouth]''
:'''Mordecai''': Well, yeah. I mean, we can go and get stuff for it, once we've earned some money! Ya Know! 
:'''Rigby''': ''[seems full on cereal]'' Yeah, I guess. 
:'''Mordecai''': You want some milk? 
:'''Rigby''': Yeah. 
:''[Mordecai starts pouring milk into Rigby's mouth]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''(Everybody gets up; the park is ruined)''
:'''Mordecai''': Did you win?
:'''Rigby''': ''(coughs)''
:'''Mordecai''': I think you win.
:'''Rigby''': ''(sighs) '' It doesn't matter. I wasn't able to hold on to the chair anyways.
:'''Pops''': Look!
:''(half of the chair is still left)''
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': Aww, cool.
:'''Benson''': No you don't, you're not getting that chair. But here's what you ''do'' get: You get to flip that cart back over, you're throwing' that chair away, and then you're cleaning up this whole '''MESS!!''' Pops, you're comin' with me. And you two idiots, if this isn't cleaned up when I get back, &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''YOU'RE FIRED!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Benson walks into the house with Pops and Skips]''
:'''Mordecai''': Okay, starting now, let's both promise not to do anything to screw this up. Agreed?
:'''Rigby''': Agreed. Rock-paper-scissors for who gets to drive the cart?

===''Go Viral'' [2.13b]===
:'''Wedgie Ninja''': Help me.
:'''Mordecai''': What?
:'''Warden of the Internet''': What's your name?
:'''Pops''': Pops.
:'''Rigby''': It's Pops!
:'''Warden of the Internet''': Step over to your right, Pops.
:'''Pops''': Is this my passport photo for the interwebs?
:'''Warden of the Internet''': Sort of.
:'''Pops''': Ooh, I love photos. I am ready, madame.
:'''Warden of the Internet''': Say 'doomed for eternity.'
:'''Pops''': Doomed for eternity! Oh!
:'''Rigby''': No!

===''Skunked'' [2.14a]===
:'''Rigby''': What!? AHHH! What am I gonna do now!?
:'''Mordecai''': I dunno dude, but we gotta get that smell off you. It reeks.
:''[Rigby angrily ticks off; his pupils dilated, his body has grown larger and violently throttles Mordecai]''
:'''Rigby''': DON'T TELL ME ABOUT HOW I SMELL! I KNOW IT REEKS! YOU DON'T THINK I KNOW IT REEKS!?

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': Dude, Bingo!
:'''Mordecai''': Bingo?
:'''Rigby''': Bingo, bingo!
:'''Mordecai''': Bingo!
:'''Rigby''': Ohhhhh!
:'''Mordecai''': Woahhhhh!

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': '''YOU THINK YOU'RE SO SMART DON'T YOU!? &quot;OH LOOK AT ME, I'M SKIPS, I KNOW EVERYTHING BECAUSE I'M SO ''OLD!''&quot; LET ME TELL YA HOW TO FIX YOUR PROBLEMS IN A REALLY LAME WAY! WELL YA KNOW WHAT I THINK!?''' ''[angrily grabs Skips]'' YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHIN'! YOU DON'T KNOW ''NOTHIN!'' ''[drops him]''

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Teenager''': ''[coughs twice]'' Thank...You. ''[passes out, unconscious]''
:'''Mordecai''': He still counts as a skunk, right?
:'''Rigby''': ''Totally'' counts as a skunk.

===''Karaoke Video'' [2.14b]===
:'''Carrey O'Key''': I SAID NO! I can play that tape whenever I feel like it, and there's not a darn thing you can do about it. I don't want to see you punks back here again. You're &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt; '''BANNED. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Sorry, guys.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, sorry.
:'''Mordecai''': We didn't mean to ruin your good time.
:'''Benson''': No, no! I don't wanna hear it. Hey, I don't know what was on that tape or why those guys were after it, but I'm gonna get to the bottom of this. ''(Turns pink)'' &lt;span style=&quot;color:pink&quot;&gt; &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''You've ruined karaoke night.'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/span&gt;
:''(Benson and the gang donut-straight outta here, leaving them both Mordecai and Rigby behind)''
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah, uh– I know, that's why we tried to... apologize... to you. Man, karaoke sucks.

==External links==

{{wikipedia|Regular Show}}

[[Category:Regular Show seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>iv6f9m2niw12ifaiwpoccij3siewuot</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147534</id>
      <parentid>3147531</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:23:50Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Timmy.swartley.8</username>
        <id>3126758</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Jinx [2.8b] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="39761" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
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:'''Seasons:''' [[Regular Show (season 1)|1]] [[Regular Show (season 2)|2]] [[Regular Show (season 3)|3]] [[Regular Show (season 4)|4]] [[Regular Show (season 5)|5]] [[Regular Show (season 6)|6]] [[Regular Show (season 7)|7]] [[Regular Show (season 8)|8]] | [[Regular Show: The Movie|Film]] | [[Regular Show|Main]]
----

The following is a list of quotes from the second season of ''[[Regular Show]]''.

===''Ello Gov'nor'' [2.1a]===
*'''Rigby''': (screams) Mordecai! Wake up! Wake up!
*'''Mordecai''': (in taxi's voice) Ello, &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt; gov'nor!&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;  (turns around to show that his eyes are lit up like carlights. Rigby screams and step back. Mordecai sits up and the British taxi comes out of his body and comes toward Rigby before nightmare ends. Rigby wakes up, screaming, until he gets hit by a pillow thrown by Mordecai.)
*'''Mordecai''': Dude, chill out. You're screaming like a freaking maniac!
*'''Rigby''': I keep having nightmares and bad dreams!
*'''Mordecai''': Just dream about something else then. (lies back down) Dream like you're a tough guy or something.
*'''Rigby''': (trying to sleep) I'm a tough guy. (He says &quot;tough guy&quot; repeatedly).
*''(In his dream, he is a tough guy named Fists and is walking down the street at nighttime.)''
*'''Fists''': They say this city's tough. But I'm tougher. (walks into a dark alley, and a gangster with half of his hair shaved off follows him with a knife)
*'''Gangster''': You walked down the wrong alley, Riggerson. (Fists pins him against the wall.)
*'''Fists''': The name's... (pulls fist back) ...Fists! (He's about to punch him, but then, the taxi comes and shines its lights on him and the gangster.)
*'''British Taxi''': Ello, gov'nor!
*''Fists screams before taxi drives into Fists and gangster''.
:'''Rigby''': (Screams awake again.)
:'''Mordecai''': (Groans angrily with his hands crunching) What the heck, Rigby?!
:'''Rigby''': It's that stupid British taxi. It's all inside my brain!
:'''Mordecai''': Ugh, I knew it. I knew this would happen! I told you we shouldn't have watched that movie.
:'''Rigby''': I know, I'm sorry, I can't help it.
:'''Mordecai''': Ah, all right, dude, we're just gonna desensitize you the horror. We're gonna watch Ello Gov'nor over and over again, until you stop being scared.
:''[later, in the living room]''
:'''Mordecai''': ''[as he pushes Rigby against the screen]'' Look at it. ''Look at it.'' It's not real! You can see the microphone showing!!
:'''Rigby''': Let me go!!
:'''Mordecai''': LOOK AT IT!!
:'''Rigby''': Get off me!
:'''Mordecai''': I'm sick of you keeping me up! You look at it.
:'''Rigby''': LET ME GO!
:'''Mordecai''': LOOK AT IT!!
:'''Rigby''': '''LET ME GO!!'''
:'''Mordecai''': Look at it. Look...at it...you look at it, you...look at it.
:'''Rigby''': Let... me GO!! (Throws the cover)
:'''Benson''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt; '''What the heck is going on?!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Rigby's just freaked off by this stupid dumb British movie we watched.
:'''Benson''': Well you'd better have this place cleaned up by the time I get back from my cricket game.
:'''Mordecai''': Cricket?
:'''Benson''': Yeah. I'm trying new things.. So what.
:'''Mordecai''': (gasps) Will British people be there?
:'''Benson''': It's cricket. What do you think?

===''It's Time'' [2.1b]===
:'''Mordecai''': All right, dude. I'll go to the movie with you. Just call it of with her.
:'''Rigby''': ''[scoffs]'' Yeah, right. I'm not going with you. You had your chance to ask her and you blew it. YOU BLEW IT!
:'''Mordecai''': ''[groans]'' Come on, dude...just give me another chance.
:'''Rigby''': Okay...I'll give you another chance if you admit that you're ''jealous''.
:'''Mordecai''': No!! I'm not jealous!
:'''Rigby''': Then I guess ''I'm'' still going out with Margaret! OOOOOOHHHHH! YOU BLEW IT AGAIN, YOU BLEW IT AGAIN!

===''Appreciation Day'' [2.2a]===
:'''Rigby''': Whoa.
:'''Mordecai &amp; Rigby''': Cool!
:'''Benson''': I'll take that! I don't know what's been going on here or why you two jokers have my book, so you had better clean this mess up starting now, OR '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; YOU'RE BOTH FIRED!!'''
:'''Mordecai''': What mess?
:'''Benson''': ''[He looks around and sees no mess at all]'' Uh—
:'''Rigby''': We did all the job you asked us to do.
:'''Benson''': ... Skips, let's get outta here.
:''[Benson gets in the golf cart, then Benson and Skips drive away]''
:'''Rigby''': What? Still no appreciation plaques?

===''Peeps'' [2.2b]===
:'''Margaret''': Hey, guys. What's with the cameras?
:'''Mordecai''': These? Um... we're making an indie documentary.
:'''Margaret''': Whoa, that's cool!
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah...it's pretty obscure...art-house stuff...
:'''Rigby''': It's so indie, only one dude's gonna see it!
:'''Margaret''': What's it called?
:'''Benson''': ''[on mic] It's called &quot;Slackers 2: The Return of Mordecai and Rigby To Their Jobs&quot;. [on watch]'' Break's over!
:'''Mordecai''': Uh, I guess we'll take two lattes.
:'''Benson''': ''TO GO!!''

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Oh! Uh, hey, Benson! We were just getting back to work!
:'''Benson''': It's okay, Mordecai. I trust you.
:'''Mordecai''': Really?
:'''Benson''': Of course I do! Because now I have this! ''[sets up camera]'' Say hello to Peeps. It's a surveillance system! Now I'll be able to see what you're up to all the time! 24/7, 365. Isn't that great? Well, I'll let you guys finish your work. And remember: I'm watching you. ''[walks away]''
:'''Rigby''': Dude, I don't think Benson trusts us at all!

===''Dizzy'' [2.3a]===
:'''Benson''': It's always good to have you at the park, Mr. Maellard...sir.
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Don't try to fraternize with me, Bert.
:'''Benson''': Actually, sir, my name is &quot;Benson&quot;.
:'''Mr. Maellard''': ''I KNOW WHAT YOUR NAME IS, BEANBAG!!'' So everything is ready for the unveiling of the new statue today, right, ''Beanbag''?
:'''Benson''': Yes, sir. The catering's all set and the sound system is in place.
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Good. Great. There's only one thing missing — my son, ''Pops''!! When I told him he had to give a speech today, he ran away, crying! I didn't invite all my friends and waste a lot of money for nothing. Right, Beenteen?
:'''Benson''': Uh... no, sir.
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Now go find Pops so he can give his speech, or you're FIRED!! Underline, FIRED!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Benson''': I can't find Pops! Did you see him?
:'''Skips''': No! I checked everywhere!
:'''Benson''': Muscle Man! Have you seen Pops at all today?
:'''Muscle Man''': Yeah. And you know who else has seen Pops today?
:'''Benson''': Who? Your mom?
:'''Muscle Man''': I wasn't gonna say that!! Why does everyone always think I'm going to say &quot;my mom&quot;?! I saw Pops earlier by the playground with those two losers.
:'''Benson''': Oh, great. Mordecai and Rigby found him first.
:'''Skips''': We better find him ''quick''!

===''My Mom'' [2.3b]===
:'''Muscle Man''': You know who else has the best tacos in the city?
:'''Rigby''': Dude, Benson will blow a fuse if he finds out we were slacking off!
:'''Muscle Man''': You know who else would blow a fuse if she found out we were slacking off?
:'''Mordecai''': We don't have time for this!
:'''Muscle Man''': You know who else doesn't have time for this!?
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': UGH!!
:'''Muscle Man''': You know who else says &quot;ugh&quot;?! '''MY MOM!!!!'''

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Muscle Man''': Are you making fun of my mom?!?! YOU'RE MAKING FUN OF MY MOM!! NO-ONE ''MAKES FUN OF MY MOM!!!''
:'''John''': &quot;''Yo, little brother! My ears are ringin! Is someone makin fun of our mom!?'' &quot;
:'''Muscle Man''': Yeah, they are bro!
:'''John''': &quot;''Oh no bro!'' &quot;
:'''Muscle Man''': I know bro!
:'''John''': &quot;''That's it! I'm comin up there!'' &quot;

===''High Score'' [2.4a]===
:'''Mordecai:''' (groans) What now? Look, we're working. See!
:'''Rigby:''' Yeah, we're never gonna get done if you keep checking up on us!
:'''Benson:''' It's payday, fellas.
:''(Mordecai and Rigby run towards Benson)''
:'''Mordecai:''' Yeah-yuh!
:'''Rigby:''' Aww, nice! My favorite day of the every other week!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Oh hey, Benson. What're you doin here?
:'''Benson''': I thought about what you guys said earlier and so I've come down to give you those checks you wanted.
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': Oh wow, thanks!
:'''Benson''': BUT now that I'm covered in BRAIN GOO, I realized my mistake! ''[shreds and throws checks]'' '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; You want to waste your lives playing video games, we'll then fine! '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; I '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; RESPECT''' '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; YOUR DECISION!!''' '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; JUST DON'T DO IT ON MY TIME HERE EVER AGAIN!!'''
:''[beat.]''
:'''Mordecai''': I can respect that.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, that's cool.

===''Rage Against the TV'' [2.4b]===
:'''Rigby''': Oh no, not this guy! We Never beat this guy!
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, we're going to do it this time, come on. Hit him! Hit him!
:'''Rigby''': I am hitting him! Nothing's happening!
:'''Mordecai''': Aw, dude! Try kicking him in the junk! Kick him in the junk! Kick him in the junk!
:'''Rigby''': ''I'M'' kicking him in the junk!
:'''Mordecai''': Well, keep doing it!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Muscle Man''': Who is it?
:'''Mordecai''': It's us.
:'''Muscle Man''': What do you want?
:'''Mordecai''': We wanna borrow your TV!
:'''Muscle Man''': Why?
:'''Mordecai''': Because. We're about to beat The Hammer.
:'''Muscle Man''': WHAT? (''SLAM'') NOBODY can beat The Hammer! It's impossible.
:'''Mordecai''': Pft! Not for us. Will you let us borrow your TV or not?
:'''Muscle Man''': Yeah. You can borrow it... if you can tell me what The Hammer looks like.
:'''Mordecai''': He's blue, with a black mullet.
:'''Muscle Man''': Fives!
:''[Fives scrolls thru Video Game Power Mag to see stats for The Hammer]''
:'''Hi Five Ghost''': Uh-huh.
:'''Muscle Man''': Oh man!
:'''Rigby''': So can we borrow it?
:'''Muscle Man''': Yeah, you can borrow it. So we can watch you LOSE!! Ahaha! WOOO!!! WOOHOO!!! This is gonna be hilari-uhh! (''CRUNCH!!'')
:''[beat]''
:'''Rigby''': Does Benson have a TV?!

===''Party Pete'' [2.5a]===
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': We gonna party!
:'''Mordecai''': Got some chips, got some dip!
:'''Rigby''': Some call me cheap, bit of a free loada, but I﻿ bought cups for that old school soda!
:'''Mordecai''': I dont need to brag, I dont mean to boast, but here's some hummus for these mini toasts!
:'''Rigby''': HUMMUS!
:'''Mordecai''': HUMMUUS!
:'''Both''': HUUUMMUUUS!!!
:'''Benson''': Why are you guys yelling &quot;hummus&quot;?

&lt;hr width=100%&gt;
:'''Benson''': Is that a party I hear?

===''Brain Eraser'' [2.5b]===
:'''Mordecai''': Pops. Yo, Pops. I found your Mustache Monthly. ''(Puts Pops' Moustaches Monthly on a chair and turns his head around, before seeing Pops, just out of the shower and naked.)'' Aaaaagh!
:'''Pops''': Aaaaagh!
:'''Mordecai''': Aaaaagh!
:'''Pops''': Aaaaagh!
:'''Mordecai''': Aaaaagh! ''(In all the confusion, he now catches a glimpse of Pops' junk mail&quot;.)''
:'''Pops''': Aaaaagh! ''(Pops covers his &quot;junk mail&quot; with his hat. Mordecai covers his eyes. They both try to leave but they're in each other's ways&quot;.)''
:'''Mordecai''': ''(breathing)'' Uh... uh... uh... uh...
:'''Pops''': ''(breathing)'' Uh... uh... uh... uh...
:''(Mordecai finally escapes Pops' room as Pops goes into his bathroom. Mordecai goes downstairs and sits on the couch.)''
:'''Mordecai''': Stop playing for a second. When I went upstairs, Pops was getting out of the shower.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, so?
:'''Mordecai''': And he didn't have a towel.
:'''Rigby''': Ewww!
:'''Mordecai''': I tried not to look and just give him the magazine but I saw his...
:'''Rigby''': His junk mail? Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
:'''Mordecai''': No, dude, I'm mentally scarred. It's like the image is glued in the inside of my eyelids. Every saggy, wrinkled, shriveled, pasty...
:'''Rigby''': Whoa, whoa! Don't put it in my head!
:'''Mordecai''': This is your fault! You have to help me.
:'''Rigby''': I'll help you to forget it if you promise to stop talking about it.
:'''Mordecai''': Deal.
:''(They shake hands.)''

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': Trust me, man. This will make you forget.
:'''Mordecai''': (covering his eyes) No, no. I'm not looking at anything ever again. Every time I open my eyes, I see Pops naked.
:'''Rigby''': Just give it a chance.
:'''Mordecai''': No! ''(Rigby grabs Mordecai's arms.)''
:'''Rigby''': Look at it! Look at it! Look at it!
:'''Mordecai''': Get off! I'm not looking at a stupid-- ''(Mordecai opens his eyes wide and sees Planet Chasers: Starlight Excellent)''
:'''Rigby''': Yes!
:''(Rolls of film fly out of Mordecai's eyes and into the bright TV screen)''
:'''Rigby''': Coooool!
:''(Each film cel shows a piece of Mordecai's memory)''
:'''Rigby''': Did it work?
:''(when the film's over, Mordecai groans and mumbles incoherently)''
:'''Rigby''': Mordecai! Do you remember seeing Pops naked? Pops naked? Nude? In the buff? Naked Pops, naked Pops, naked Pops! Awesome! Dude, it totally worked! Up high! Let's... get you some coffee.

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': It's gone! Naked Pops is gone! I don't remember it anymore!
:'''Benson''': What did you guys do? What is this mess? I can't even take a shower around here without you guys screwing things up--

===''Benson Be Gone'' [2.6a]===
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Snacks disappearing from the snack bar, holes in the walls — $500 worth of prank phone calls?! It's ridiculous! What are you doing to my park, Beenteen?
:'''Benson''': But sir, it's not my fault. It's Mordecai and Rigby. It's right here on my report.
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Are you my park manager, Beenteen?
:'''Benson''': Yes, sir.
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Then ''everything'' that happens here is your fault!
:'''Benson''': Well... yes, technically, but— 
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Say it.
:'''Benson''': ...Everything that happens here is my fault.
:''[a white limo crashes through the left side of the office!]''
:'''Mr. Maellard''': MY CAR!!
:''[Mordecai rolls down the window]''
:'''Mordecai''': Sorry, Benson, remember how I told you I can drive stick? Well, I'm a little rusty.
:'''Rigby''': I told you you should've let me be the one to park it!
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Why are they driving my car when I specifically TOLD ''YOU'' TO PARK IT?!!
:'''Benson''': I did, sir, but I delegated it to Mordecai and Rigby.
:'''Mordecai''': ...Uhh, this is getting a little awkward, so we're gonna take off. ''[backs away]''
:'''Benson''': Wait!!
:''[the limo then falls onto the side of the house, bleeping]''
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Oooh that's it! Emergency meeting tomorrow! Things are going to change around here. I'm sure you're all anxious to get back to work so let make this brief Beancan you're being demoted. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Come on, Benson! We gotta rake these leaves, dude.
:'''Benson''': I can't do this.
:'''Mordecai''': Look, you're bummed out about getting demoted, but if you give it a chance you'll see it's not that bad.
:'''Benson''': ...This is horrible.
:'''Mordecai''': No it's not, you're just in a bad mood. Look, you just need to take your mind off it for a while and have some fun.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah man, we can come back later and finish these leaves.
:'''Benson''': Ahah! This is so typical. You get bored so you just slack off instead of finishing your work.
:'''Mordecai''': It's not slacking, we're just taking a break. And besides, it's not like you're working that hard anyway.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, you're raking like an old man that has a fatter old man holding his arms down.
:'''Benson''': '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; I DON'T FEEL LIKE RAKING NOW, OKAY?!'''
:'''Rigby''': I'm just sayin'...
:'''Benson''': What if Susan catches us? She'll probably fire us for not working.

===''But I Have a Receipt'' [2.6b]===
:'''Mordecai''': ''[reads Darthon manual]'' &quot;Your party walks down a long hallway and reaches a locked door. What do you do?&quot;
:'''Muscle Man''': I smash it open with my war claw! Then, a bunch of ladies come out and they're all, &quot;Ooh, Muscle Man! Quit pinching my butt with your war claw!&quot;
:'''Rigby''': ''[reads]'' &quot;Roll the 50-sided die to see if you unlock the door.&quot;
:'''Skips''': All we have is a 48-sided die and two marbles.
:'''Rigby''': Close enough. ''[Muscle Man chucks the die and marbles]''
:'''Muscle Man''': Huh! ''[the die and marbles roll onto the floor]'' Did it work?
:'''Rigby''': Uhh... I don't think so.
:'''Muscle Man''': This blows!
:'''Pops''': Mordecai, Mordecai! ''[western accent]'' Well, I reckon I'd like a turn now!
:'''Mordecai''': Cyborg cowboys take three days to awaken from hypersleep. Sorry, Pops.
:'''Pops''': Oh...
:'''Skips''': Can't he cast a saving throw?
:'''Mordecai''': U-uh...
:'''Benson''': What does all this stuff mean? Are we even IN Darthon yet?
:'''Mordecai''': Uhh...
:'''Benson''': Or is that just an artifact or something?
:'''Mordecai''': Uhh... ''[shuts book]'' &quot;Your party is suddenly ambushed by a flock of man-bats!&quot; Skips the Mighty gets first strike.
:'''Skips''': ''[rolls die and marbles]'' Hi-yah!
:'''Rigby''': Let's see. Pirate samurai have +2 constitution, -3 charisma, divide by number of geese... Do we have a protractor?
:'''Benson''': I'm outta here.
:'''Muscle Man''': Worst game night ever!
:'''Rigby''': Aah!! Dude, they're RIGHT! This game sucks!
:'''Mordecai''': Let's get our money back.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Pops''': Mordecai, Rigby!
:'''Mordecai''': Pops! Where have you guys been?
:'''Benson''': We were hiding in the armor closet, then suddenly we were in the stock room at Shoe Farm.
:'''Rigby''': Good thing it was worth it! Seven bones, baby!
:'''Benson''': '''Seven Dollars?!!'''[outraged] '''WE ALMOST DIED FOR''' '''SEVEN''' '''DOLLARS'''?!!
:'''Rigby''': The numbers aren't important!
:'''Mordecai''': It was the principle.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, if we're gonna spend that kinda money, it's gotta be on a COOL game!
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah, something like &quot;Trail of Elderitch&quot; or &quot;The Lair of Anthelon&quot;.
:'''Rigby''': Dude, is that out?
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah, it came out last week.
:'''Both''': ''[run back into store]'' Yeah-hah!

===''This is My Jam'' [2.7a]===
:(''Seeing the Summertime Song as a a physical form, taking the form of a music tape with arms and legs with big, red sunglasses'')
:'''Mordecai:'''...What the heck is that?
:'''Rigby:''' I have no idea what I'm looking at.
:'''Mordecai''': I think the song must've left your head and manifested itself into a physical form.
:'''Rigby''': Well, does it have an &quot;Off&quot; switch?
:'''Mordecai''': I dunno!
:'''Rigby''': Hey, dancing song dude! Knock it off! Dude, quit it! Seriously, man! I'm sick of this song!
:''[Casette drums on Rigby's head]''
:'''Rigby''': Get off! [tackles casette and goes right through it] Oh my gosh, it's a ghost tape! ''[jumps into Mordecai's arms]''
:'''Mordecai''': Dude. Calm down. It's not a ghost. It's just music. You can't touch music. But music can touch you.
:'''Rigby''': Oh, barf. How do we get rid of it?
:'''Mordecai''': I don't know. If we just ignore it, it'll probably just go away

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Everyone especially Benson gets annoyed and enraged by Summertime Song]''
:'''Benson''': ''[Growling, Screaming and Angrily throws a clipboard]''
----
:'''Mordecai:''' I've got an idea: Brain Explosion!
:'''Rigby:''' What!? You can't explode my brain! That's gotta be illegal!

===''Muscle Woman'' [2.7b]===

:'''Mordecai''': Hey Muscle Man, we got work to do, remember? ''[Muscle Man breaks down]''
:'''Rigby''': Dude... are you crying?
:'''Muscle Man''': NO! Crying's for ladies, LIKE ''YOU''!! I don't cry!!
:''[cut to a crying nude Muscle Man in the shower, with Mordecai and Rigby knocking outside his caravan]''
:'''Rigby''': Dude, he's been in there for hours!
:'''Mordecai''': Muscle Man! Muscle Man! ''[looks inside]'' Muscle Man, are you taking a shower so we can't see you crying?
:'''Muscle Man''': '''NO!!''' IT'S... IT'S JUST THE SOUND OF THE WATER HITTING THE DRAIN!!
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, what's wrong with him?
:'''Hi-Five Ghost''': ''[appears]'' His girlfriend Starla dumped him last night.
:'''Rigby''': What?! Muscle Man had a girlfriend? I wonder who had more junk in the trunk.
:'''Mordecai''': Muscle Man, just come out! We can talk about it if you want.
:'''Muscle Man''': NO!!! I DON'T TALK ABOUT MY FEELINGS WITH ''ANYONE''!! LEAVE ME ''ALONE''!!!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Alright, Muscle Man, grocery stores have tons of available women.
:'''Muscle Man''': I don't know, Mordecai... None of these ladies are as hot as Starla.
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, man up! Check this out. ''[points]'' That girl is single.
:'''Muscle Man''': How can you tell?
:'''Mordecai''': Check out her cart. American cheese singles, a single serving of soup—and who buys one banana? And I don't see a ring on that finger. So what're you waiting for? Go get her!
:'''Muscle Man''': ''[walks to her]'' Uhh... hey. You're a chick. I was wondering if you wanted to....
:''[....]''
:'''Muscle Man''': I CAN'T DO THIS!! ''[rips shirt showing his chest tattoo]'' THIS HEART BEATS FOR ANOTHER!!! ''[cries as the woman continues strolling]'' STARLAAA!!!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Look! I know how Muscle Man can be. He's annoying, he smells, and he pretty much has no common decency for others, but he's still human. And he has feelings. We all do. We're just fragile beings looking for someone to share something with. To laugh with. To love.

===''Temp Check'' [2.8a]===
:'''Benson''': Hold it. Nope. It's no good.
:'''Both''': Aw, what?
:'''Benson''': It's an INCH TOO tall. Do it again. Do it &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt; '''''ALL''''' '''AGAIN'''!!!!!!&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Both''': (GROAN)
:'''Rigby''': '''It's just ''one'' inch!'''
:'''Benson''': Would you want to play Ultimate Frisbee in this? A guy could trip, skid, get severe turf rash and BAM!! [[Lawsuit]]. Now get to work. 
:'''Rigby''': But- but- but-
:'''Benson''': Oh wait... Is that the sound of somebody who wants to be fired? (silence) That's what I thought.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': So, tell me a little about yourself.
:'''Guy''': ''[with fire on his back]'' Uh, I like pyrotechnics. ''[fireworks blows off his pocket, sets ablaze his pants]''
:'''Rigby''': So, what're you good at?
:'''Parrot''': Rragh! Pyrotechnics! ''[boom!!]''
:''(...)''
:'''Rigby''': Let me guess. You like pyrotechnics.
:'''Redneck''': No. But I do like this. ''[brings harmonica to his rear end]''
:''[...]''
:'''Rigby''': Alright, alright. That's enough!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Benson''': (Turning red) &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;I'm the only one around here who hires and fires. So if you don't really wanna do your own job, I'd be glad to accommodate you. Otherwise, you're on toilet duty for the next '''THREE MONTHS!'''&lt;/span&gt; Unbelievable!

===''Jinx'' [2.8b]===
:'''Benson''': Of course all this trash would still be here. Why do I even try? ''[spots Rigby]'' Hey! Hey!! Get over here right now!
:''[...]''
:'''Rigby''': Benson! Hey man, I need you—
:'''Benson''': ''[covers Rigby's mouth]'' No. Stop. Don't say anything. What is this? You guys expect me to let this slide?
:'''Rigby''': No—yes—I dunno. Look, I just need you—
:'''Benson''': Ugh, what you need? Well, I need is for you to start cleaning up right now or you're FIRED!!
:'''Rigby''': Okay, okay! I'm doin' it! But can you just say my name three— ''[sees Mordecai behind the tree]''
:'''Benson''': What? Say your name? ''[Mordecai holds his fist]'' Why do you want me to say your name? ''[looks behind]'' What? What're you looking at?
:''[Mordecai runs off]''
:'''Benson''': Is that Mordecai? Mordecai!! Mordecai, get over here this second or you're fired! ''[canned by Rigby]'' What the heck, Rigby?! What's the matter with you?? ''[Rigby smiles, cans him again]'' '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; ''AHH!!'' RIGBY!! ''[Rigby trashs him]'' AUGHH''!!'' RAAAHHHHH!!! RAAAAAHHHUH''!!!'' ''[furiously throws trash can up high into the ground and angrily long kicks it]'' RAAAGGHHHHH''!!!''
:'''Rigby''': JUST SAY MY NAME ONE MORE TIME!!! ''[looks up beside Mordecai]''
:'''Mordecai''': Hmhm. Hm. ''[PUNCH!!]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': Gotta find somebody, gotta find somebody! Fives!! You gotta help me, man! You gotta say my name three times! ''[beat]'' I'm jinxed and Mordecai's taking this thing way too far! You gotta say my name three times!!
:''[Fives shakes his head]''
:'''Rigby''': COME OOON!!! ''[Fives shakes again]'' WHY NOT?!?!
:'''Fives''': Because I'm jinxed too...
:'''Muscle Man''': Aha! ''[leap-punches Fives]'' No talking while you're jinxed, loser!
:'''Fives''': Help.. me—
:'''Muscle Man''': SHUT YOUR MOUTH''!!''
:'''Rigby''': Hi-Five Ghost, Hi-Five Ghost, Hi-Five Ghost!
:'''Muscle Man''': Hey!!
:'''Fives''': Ah ha ha ha ha! Whoo!!
:'''Rigby''': Dude, help me back! ''[Fives flies off]'' NO, WAIT!!
:'''Muscle Man''': Dude, why'd you do that for?!
:'''Rigby''': I'm sorry, I just needed to get rid of my jinx!
:'''Muscle Man''': Why don't you take it off yourself?
:'''Rigby''': You can do that?
:'''Muscle Man''': Pft, yeah, it's easy. Now, here's what you gotta do.

===''See You There'' [2.9a]===
:'''Muscle Man:''' Yo, HFG! I found a video game system on the ground. Let's see what happens when we put it in the Microwave.

===''Do Me a Solid'' [2.9b]===
:'''Pops''': Yoo-hoo! Mordecai! Rigby!
:'''Both''': Hey, Pops! Hey, Skips!
:'''Skips''': You think you want some chips with that cheese?
:'''Rigby''': Oh, yeah, I guess we overdid it with the cheese, huh? HYAH!! (SPLAT!!)
:''[all laugh]''
:'''Pops''': Are you supposed to be working at the snack bar today?
:'''Rigby''': Do us a solid and cover for us?
:'''Skips''': You shouldn't abuse the power of the solid. Bad things will happen.
:'''Mordecai''': Can you at least pretend you didn't see us?
:'''Skips''': Okay, but you owe me a solid. ''[drives off]''
:'''Rigby''': We should probably get outta here.
:'''Mordecai''': Do me a solid and buy me a cup of coffee?

===''Grave Sights'' [2.10a]===
:'''Guy:''' OH, MAN! Did You just See That zombie Take a discus to the face?! ''(everyone cheers)''
-----
:'''Mordecai and Rigby:''' ''(singing obnoxiously)'' Because we know everything about scary movies and you know nothing about scary movies! We'll save the park with our knowledge of scary movies!!
:'''Benson:'''  [livid] '''STOP SINGING OR YOU’RE FIRED!!!'''
:'''Mordecai and Rigby:''' Our... knowledge... of... scary... movies...
:'''Mordecai:''' We'll go get the movie...
-----
:'''Zombie Slayer''': Baby, you let yourself go real bad. 
:''[She groans; Mordecai grabs Rigby's shoulder which makes Rigby yell, jumps into Mordecai's arms and knock over the projector, causing the film to stop; the crowd boos]''
:'''Rigby''': Dude, why did you do that? 
:'''Mordecai''': I didn't know you'd freak out that bad. 
:'''Man''': Hey I want my money back! 
:''[Others agree and Benson, who's in the crowd, turns around to see Mordecai and Rigby]''
:'''Benson''': Fix it! Fix It! 
:'''Mordecai''': Come on, come on! 
:''[They put the projector back on the box, Rigby blows on the tape then accidentally spits on it]''
:'''Mordecai''': Aw, why did you spit on it? 
:'''Rigby''': Shut up, shut up, shut up! 
:'''Man''': This is terrible!
:''[Rigby puts it in the projector the wrong way and it doesn't work]''
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, why isn't it working? 
:'''Benson''': ''[Slamming his chair against the ground in frustration]'' Fix it! FIX IT! FIX IT! 
:''[Rigby gets on the projector and shakes it; it causes rays to go out and into the ground while one of which hits a guy]''
:'''Man''': Ow, my kidneys!
:''[A zombie is seen awakening, and Mordecai takes the tape out]''
:'''Mordecai''': Aw dude, you put it in backwards! 
:''[Mordecai puts it in the projector the right way]''
:'''Mordecai''': There.
:''[The movie continues playing, the crowd cheers and Benson goes back to watching the movie]''
:'''Both''': Phew.
:'''Rigby''': Hmph, hmph. Thanks for almost getting rid of our paid day-off, you loser.

===''Really Real Wrestling'' [2.10b]===
:'''Mordecai''': &quot;Listen up, Mysterious Mister R! Mad Man Mordo's going to take you down! And I'm not talkin' downtown; I'm talkin' 6 ft underground!&quot; 
:'''Rigby:''' &quot;Mad Man Mordo? More like Bland Man Bordo! When I'm done with you people are gonna be like &quot;Ugh! What happened to his face?&quot; and I'll be like &quot;Mysterious Mister R is what happened to his face!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': And that's why we don't have tickets for wrestling because all you can think about is Benson's crank.
&lt;hr width=72%&gt;
:'''Benson''': I knew it. I had a sick feeling, so I came to check on you, and I KNEW it.
:'''Mordecai''': Wait, listen, Benson...
:'''Benson''': No! You guys are FIRED! That's it.
:'''Rigby''': Wait, what? Come on!
:'''Benson''': No! I told you guys, but you DIDN'T wanna listen!

===''Over the Top'' [2.11a]===

:'''Mordecai''': You couldn't let it go. Well, I hope you got what you wanted.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Benson''': Hey! Let me tell you guys something. This guy.. this guy right here is SO strong. He could take anyone of you OUT in arm-wrestling.
:'''Skips''': Nah, nah...
:'''Benson''': Skips! SKIPS!  I am your boss''!!'' And as your boss, I order you to arm-wrestle me.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Muscle Man''': Aw yeah! Meat Cooler Kings round two!
:'''Fives''': Shotgun!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': So everybody thinks I'm dead?
:'''Skips''': Yep.
:'''Rigby''': Dude! We gotta prank 'em!
:'''Skips''': Uh.. Y'know Rigby, I think I've had enough pranks for today.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby:''' (''after beating Skips at arm wrestling'') HATERS GONNA HATE!
----
:'''Skips:''' Two words... PLAYCO ARMBOY!
----
:'''Death:''' I ''will'' have your immortal soul.

===''The Night Owl'' [2.11b]===
:'''Mordecai''': Well, we did it.
:'''Muscle Man''': Yep.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah.
:'''Muscle Man''': Guess all that's left to do now is step down and get the car.
:'''Rigby''': That sounds about right.
:'''Muscle Man''': Well, I'll meet you guys down there. I gotta take down the tent first.
:'''Mordecai''': No, no — we'll take care of the tent. You should go first.
:'''Muscle Man''': I'm not stepping off this thing until you three step off it first.
:'''Mordecai''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Muscle Man''': It means I ''know'' what you're up to!
:'''Mordecai''': You know what I'M up to!? I know what ''YOU'RE'' up to! Step one: working with you is a huge mistake, and step two: get off this billboard, you smell like barf!
:'''Muscle Man''': '''''YOU'' SMELL LIKE BARF!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': GET OFF THIS BILLBOARD, BARF SACK!
:'''Muscle Man''': '''DON'T CALL ME A BARF SACK!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Night Owl''': How does it feel to be part of the final four?
:'''Rigby''': It feels GREAT!
:'''Mordecai''': Awesome!
:'''Fives''': It's exciting!
:'''Muscle Man''': WOOOOO''!!!''
:'''Night Owl''': Mmhm. And how did you make it this far?
:'''Muscle Man''': Working together, baby!!
:'''Night Owl''': ''[chuckles]'' Fantastic. So, what're gonna do with the car?
:'''Rigby''': Share it.
:'''Night Owl''': Hmm, that's funny. Because that's not what Mordecai said.
:'''Muscle Man''': What did Mordecai say..?
:'''Night Owl''': Well, that he was gonna take the car for himself.
:'''Fives''': Rigby said that?
:'''Night Owl''': Yeah. That's what Muscle Man said.
:'''Mordecai''': I knew it!
:'''Rigby''': That jerk.
:'''Fives''': I can't believe this!
:'''Muscle Man''': Oh, he's gonna pay!

===''A Bunch of Baby Ducks'' [2.12a]===
:'''Benson''': I don't care! Find someone to take care of these ducks right now and get back to work or you're fired!

&lt;hr width=100%&gt;
:'''Baby Duck:''' Hey Mordecai and Rigby, thanks. 
:(''Mordecai and Rigby both smile'')
:'''Baby Duck:''' For being the coolest losers we know!
:'''Baby Duck, Moredecai and Rigby:''' OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!
----
:'''Rigby:''' Hmm-hmm. Step off! Step off! You don't want none of this!
----
:'''Moredecai:''' Is there any other things that might need cleaning?
:''[Benson walks away]''
:'''Mordecai:''' ...Benson?
----

===''More Smarter'' [2.12b]===

'''Benson''': And if you don't stop goofing off and clean up this graffiti '''NOW! I’M GONNA TEAR YOU LIMB FROM LIMB!!!'''
:'''Mordecai &amp; Rigby''': Huh...??
:'''Benson''': Do you have anything to say for yourselves?
:'''Rigby''': What just happened?
:'''Mordecai''': Ugh, I don't remember anything...
:'''Muscle Man''': Me and Fives were practicing for a pie-eating contest when you two dweebs came in speaking Spanish or something. ''[chows down pie]''
:'''Fives''': Then you drank that green stuff.
:'''Mordecai''': ''AUGH''!! I can't believe you made me drink your lame drink!
:'''Benson''': Better get started, or it's coming out of your paycheck.
:'''Muscle Man''': Yeah, losers.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': In closing, your theories had failed to prove that you're smarter – for your brain is no bigger than a WALNUT.
:(WALNUT) ''CRAK!!''
:'''Rigby''': Very funny Mordecai, but your paper is fundamentally flawed because your brain is made up of 99% CANINE BUTT CHEEKS.
:(BUTT CHEEKS) ''FWOO-CRAK!!''
:'''Mordecai''': There is still one irrefutable truth. You don't have a high school diploma! So I'm smarter than you! You IMBECILE''!!''
:(IMBECILE) ''FWOOSH-KLAK!!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Benson''': Mordecai, Rigby, get downstairs right now and clean up the mess you made, or I'm gonna fire....
:''[into the smarter world]''
:'''Rigby''': Dude, what is he saying?
:''[Benson, Pops and Skips are now ape-like neanderthals speaking nonsensical gibberish]''
:'''Mordecai''': Oh no! We've become so smart they're stupid to us!
:''[in the real world]''
:'''Mordecai''': Quarum hie vitio morionis!
:'''Rigby''': MORIONIS''!!?'' Moroionis vestros incipe et rem TOTAM''!!''
:'''Mordecai''': Et harum facere daberet ire stultum!
Rigby: If you haven't made fun of me so much, none of this would've happened.

Mordecai: Whatever. You can't even get your diploma, because we're so smart. So, what's the point?

Rigby: You're right. There is no point.

Mordecai: Huh?

Rigby: What's the point of being so smart, if you can't even under- (off-screen) -stand anyone? (on-screen) We have to get stupid again.

Mordecai: How?

Rigby: ...RigJuice.

Mordecai: The fridge! (Mordecai and Rigby float to the fridge.)

(Scene then shows Muscle Man and High-Fives in a different way too while Muscle Man is eating.)

(Rigby opened the fridge.)

Rigby: Ah ha! The RigJuice!

Mordecai: Pour me some.

(Rigby pours the RigJuice to his cup which shows how the material is made out of.)

Rigby: Whoa... It looks... different now.

Mordecai: Ready?

Rigby: Wait. If I drink this, I'll never get my diploma.

Mordecai: Dude, it's just a piece of paper.

Rigby: I know that, but you'll never stop making fun of me for it.

Mordecai: I don't care. I won't make fun of you anymore. I promise. To being stupid?

(Little silence appears)

Rigby: To being stupid. Bottoms up.

===''First Day'' [2.13a]===
:''[Mordecai opens a refrigerator]''
:'''Mordecai''': ...Milk... 
:''[Rigby opens a cupboard]'' 
:'''Rigby''': ...Cereal... 
:''[They are both at the table and they both pour the milk and cereal into a bowl]''
:'''Mordecai/Rigby''': ...Combine. 
:''[Rigby is about to eat the cereal with his face, but Mordecai stops him]''
:'''Mordecai''': ''[picks up a spoon]''  This is the only clean spoon left, dude, lets play &quot;punchies&quot; for it.
:'''Rigby''': Okay, me first. 
:''[Rigby punches Mordecai, but Rigby is shocked at how weak his punch was]'' 
:'''Mordecai''': ''[starts laughing, then punches Rigby harder]'' 
:'''Rigby''': ''[rubs his arm]'' Ow. Take it! 
:''[Rigby moves to the other side of the table as Mordecai laughs and starts eating his breakfast]'' 
:'''Mordecai''': ''[stops eating]'' Man, so far, this job is awesome! I still can't believe we have our own rooms! 
:'''Rigby''': Dude, those rooms aren't cool, there's nothing in them, I had to sleep on the floor last night! 
:''[Rigby starts pouring cereal into his mouth]''
:'''Mordecai''': Well, yeah. I mean, we can go and get stuff for it, once we've earned some money! Ya Know! 
:'''Rigby''': ''[seems full on cereal]'' Yeah, I guess. 
:'''Mordecai''': You want some milk? 
:'''Rigby''': Yeah. 
:''[Mordecai starts pouring milk into Rigby's mouth]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''(Everybody gets up; the park is ruined)''
:'''Mordecai''': Did you win?
:'''Rigby''': ''(coughs)''
:'''Mordecai''': I think you win.
:'''Rigby''': ''(sighs) '' It doesn't matter. I wasn't able to hold on to the chair anyways.
:'''Pops''': Look!
:''(half of the chair is still left)''
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': Aww, cool.
:'''Benson''': No you don't, you're not getting that chair. But here's what you ''do'' get: You get to flip that cart back over, you're throwing' that chair away, and then you're cleaning up this whole '''MESS!!''' Pops, you're comin' with me. And you two idiots, if this isn't cleaned up when I get back, &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''YOU'RE FIRED!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Benson walks into the house with Pops and Skips]''
:'''Mordecai''': Okay, starting now, let's both promise not to do anything to screw this up. Agreed?
:'''Rigby''': Agreed. Rock-paper-scissors for who gets to drive the cart?

===''Go Viral'' [2.13b]===
:'''Wedgie Ninja''': Help me.
:'''Mordecai''': What?
:'''Warden of the Internet''': What's your name?
:'''Pops''': Pops.
:'''Rigby''': It's Pops!
:'''Warden of the Internet''': Step over to your right, Pops.
:'''Pops''': Is this my passport photo for the interwebs?
:'''Warden of the Internet''': Sort of.
:'''Pops''': Ooh, I love photos. I am ready, madame.
:'''Warden of the Internet''': Say 'doomed for eternity.'
:'''Pops''': Doomed for eternity! Oh!
:'''Rigby''': No!

===''Skunked'' [2.14a]===
:'''Rigby''': What!? AHHH! What am I gonna do now!?
:'''Mordecai''': I dunno dude, but we gotta get that smell off you. It reeks.
:''[Rigby angrily ticks off; his pupils dilated, his body has grown larger and violently throttles Mordecai]''
:'''Rigby''': DON'T TELL ME ABOUT HOW I SMELL! I KNOW IT REEKS! YOU DON'T THINK I KNOW IT REEKS!?

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': Dude, Bingo!
:'''Mordecai''': Bingo?
:'''Rigby''': Bingo, bingo!
:'''Mordecai''': Bingo!
:'''Rigby''': Ohhhhh!
:'''Mordecai''': Woahhhhh!

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': '''YOU THINK YOU'RE SO SMART DON'T YOU!? &quot;OH LOOK AT ME, I'M SKIPS, I KNOW EVERYTHING BECAUSE I'M SO ''OLD!''&quot; LET ME TELL YA HOW TO FIX YOUR PROBLEMS IN A REALLY LAME WAY! WELL YA KNOW WHAT I THINK!?''' ''[angrily grabs Skips]'' YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHIN'! YOU DON'T KNOW ''NOTHIN!'' ''[drops him]''

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Teenager''': ''[coughs twice]'' Thank...You. ''[passes out, unconscious]''
:'''Mordecai''': He still counts as a skunk, right?
:'''Rigby''': ''Totally'' counts as a skunk.

===''Karaoke Video'' [2.14b]===
:'''Carrey O'Key''': I SAID NO! I can play that tape whenever I feel like it, and there's not a darn thing you can do about it. I don't want to see you punks back here again. You're &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt; '''BANNED. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Sorry, guys.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, sorry.
:'''Mordecai''': We didn't mean to ruin your good time.
:'''Benson''': No, no! I don't wanna hear it. Hey, I don't know what was on that tape or why those guys were after it, but I'm gonna get to the bottom of this. ''(Turns pink)'' &lt;span style=&quot;color:pink&quot;&gt; &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''You've ruined karaoke night.'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/span&gt;
:''(Benson and the gang donut-straight outta here, leaving them both Mordecai and Rigby behind)''
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah, uh– I know, that's why we tried to... apologize... to you. Man, karaoke sucks.

==External links==

{{wikipedia|Regular Show}}

[[Category:Regular Show seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>pnjlr3g3hagjr9u0zqt45h0f6fw6zdr</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147539</id>
      <parentid>3147534</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:25:51Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Timmy.swartley.8</username>
        <id>3126758</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Grave Sights [2.10a] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="39786" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Seasons:''' [[Regular Show (season 1)|1]] [[Regular Show (season 2)|2]] [[Regular Show (season 3)|3]] [[Regular Show (season 4)|4]] [[Regular Show (season 5)|5]] [[Regular Show (season 6)|6]] [[Regular Show (season 7)|7]] [[Regular Show (season 8)|8]] | [[Regular Show: The Movie|Film]] | [[Regular Show|Main]]
----

The following is a list of quotes from the second season of ''[[Regular Show]]''.

===''Ello Gov'nor'' [2.1a]===
*'''Rigby''': (screams) Mordecai! Wake up! Wake up!
*'''Mordecai''': (in taxi's voice) Ello, &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt; gov'nor!&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;  (turns around to show that his eyes are lit up like carlights. Rigby screams and step back. Mordecai sits up and the British taxi comes out of his body and comes toward Rigby before nightmare ends. Rigby wakes up, screaming, until he gets hit by a pillow thrown by Mordecai.)
*'''Mordecai''': Dude, chill out. You're screaming like a freaking maniac!
*'''Rigby''': I keep having nightmares and bad dreams!
*'''Mordecai''': Just dream about something else then. (lies back down) Dream like you're a tough guy or something.
*'''Rigby''': (trying to sleep) I'm a tough guy. (He says &quot;tough guy&quot; repeatedly).
*''(In his dream, he is a tough guy named Fists and is walking down the street at nighttime.)''
*'''Fists''': They say this city's tough. But I'm tougher. (walks into a dark alley, and a gangster with half of his hair shaved off follows him with a knife)
*'''Gangster''': You walked down the wrong alley, Riggerson. (Fists pins him against the wall.)
*'''Fists''': The name's... (pulls fist back) ...Fists! (He's about to punch him, but then, the taxi comes and shines its lights on him and the gangster.)
*'''British Taxi''': Ello, gov'nor!
*''Fists screams before taxi drives into Fists and gangster''.
:'''Rigby''': (Screams awake again.)
:'''Mordecai''': (Groans angrily with his hands crunching) What the heck, Rigby?!
:'''Rigby''': It's that stupid British taxi. It's all inside my brain!
:'''Mordecai''': Ugh, I knew it. I knew this would happen! I told you we shouldn't have watched that movie.
:'''Rigby''': I know, I'm sorry, I can't help it.
:'''Mordecai''': Ah, all right, dude, we're just gonna desensitize you the horror. We're gonna watch Ello Gov'nor over and over again, until you stop being scared.
:''[later, in the living room]''
:'''Mordecai''': ''[as he pushes Rigby against the screen]'' Look at it. ''Look at it.'' It's not real! You can see the microphone showing!!
:'''Rigby''': Let me go!!
:'''Mordecai''': LOOK AT IT!!
:'''Rigby''': Get off me!
:'''Mordecai''': I'm sick of you keeping me up! You look at it.
:'''Rigby''': LET ME GO!
:'''Mordecai''': LOOK AT IT!!
:'''Rigby''': '''LET ME GO!!'''
:'''Mordecai''': Look at it. Look...at it...you look at it, you...look at it.
:'''Rigby''': Let... me GO!! (Throws the cover)
:'''Benson''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt; '''What the heck is going on?!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Rigby's just freaked off by this stupid dumb British movie we watched.
:'''Benson''': Well you'd better have this place cleaned up by the time I get back from my cricket game.
:'''Mordecai''': Cricket?
:'''Benson''': Yeah. I'm trying new things.. So what.
:'''Mordecai''': (gasps) Will British people be there?
:'''Benson''': It's cricket. What do you think?

===''It's Time'' [2.1b]===
:'''Mordecai''': All right, dude. I'll go to the movie with you. Just call it of with her.
:'''Rigby''': ''[scoffs]'' Yeah, right. I'm not going with you. You had your chance to ask her and you blew it. YOU BLEW IT!
:'''Mordecai''': ''[groans]'' Come on, dude...just give me another chance.
:'''Rigby''': Okay...I'll give you another chance if you admit that you're ''jealous''.
:'''Mordecai''': No!! I'm not jealous!
:'''Rigby''': Then I guess ''I'm'' still going out with Margaret! OOOOOOHHHHH! YOU BLEW IT AGAIN, YOU BLEW IT AGAIN!

===''Appreciation Day'' [2.2a]===
:'''Rigby''': Whoa.
:'''Mordecai &amp; Rigby''': Cool!
:'''Benson''': I'll take that! I don't know what's been going on here or why you two jokers have my book, so you had better clean this mess up starting now, OR '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; YOU'RE BOTH FIRED!!'''
:'''Mordecai''': What mess?
:'''Benson''': ''[He looks around and sees no mess at all]'' Uh—
:'''Rigby''': We did all the job you asked us to do.
:'''Benson''': ... Skips, let's get outta here.
:''[Benson gets in the golf cart, then Benson and Skips drive away]''
:'''Rigby''': What? Still no appreciation plaques?

===''Peeps'' [2.2b]===
:'''Margaret''': Hey, guys. What's with the cameras?
:'''Mordecai''': These? Um... we're making an indie documentary.
:'''Margaret''': Whoa, that's cool!
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah...it's pretty obscure...art-house stuff...
:'''Rigby''': It's so indie, only one dude's gonna see it!
:'''Margaret''': What's it called?
:'''Benson''': ''[on mic] It's called &quot;Slackers 2: The Return of Mordecai and Rigby To Their Jobs&quot;. [on watch]'' Break's over!
:'''Mordecai''': Uh, I guess we'll take two lattes.
:'''Benson''': ''TO GO!!''

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Oh! Uh, hey, Benson! We were just getting back to work!
:'''Benson''': It's okay, Mordecai. I trust you.
:'''Mordecai''': Really?
:'''Benson''': Of course I do! Because now I have this! ''[sets up camera]'' Say hello to Peeps. It's a surveillance system! Now I'll be able to see what you're up to all the time! 24/7, 365. Isn't that great? Well, I'll let you guys finish your work. And remember: I'm watching you. ''[walks away]''
:'''Rigby''': Dude, I don't think Benson trusts us at all!

===''Dizzy'' [2.3a]===
:'''Benson''': It's always good to have you at the park, Mr. Maellard...sir.
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Don't try to fraternize with me, Bert.
:'''Benson''': Actually, sir, my name is &quot;Benson&quot;.
:'''Mr. Maellard''': ''I KNOW WHAT YOUR NAME IS, BEANBAG!!'' So everything is ready for the unveiling of the new statue today, right, ''Beanbag''?
:'''Benson''': Yes, sir. The catering's all set and the sound system is in place.
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Good. Great. There's only one thing missing — my son, ''Pops''!! When I told him he had to give a speech today, he ran away, crying! I didn't invite all my friends and waste a lot of money for nothing. Right, Beenteen?
:'''Benson''': Uh... no, sir.
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Now go find Pops so he can give his speech, or you're FIRED!! Underline, FIRED!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Benson''': I can't find Pops! Did you see him?
:'''Skips''': No! I checked everywhere!
:'''Benson''': Muscle Man! Have you seen Pops at all today?
:'''Muscle Man''': Yeah. And you know who else has seen Pops today?
:'''Benson''': Who? Your mom?
:'''Muscle Man''': I wasn't gonna say that!! Why does everyone always think I'm going to say &quot;my mom&quot;?! I saw Pops earlier by the playground with those two losers.
:'''Benson''': Oh, great. Mordecai and Rigby found him first.
:'''Skips''': We better find him ''quick''!

===''My Mom'' [2.3b]===
:'''Muscle Man''': You know who else has the best tacos in the city?
:'''Rigby''': Dude, Benson will blow a fuse if he finds out we were slacking off!
:'''Muscle Man''': You know who else would blow a fuse if she found out we were slacking off?
:'''Mordecai''': We don't have time for this!
:'''Muscle Man''': You know who else doesn't have time for this!?
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': UGH!!
:'''Muscle Man''': You know who else says &quot;ugh&quot;?! '''MY MOM!!!!'''

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Muscle Man''': Are you making fun of my mom?!?! YOU'RE MAKING FUN OF MY MOM!! NO-ONE ''MAKES FUN OF MY MOM!!!''
:'''John''': &quot;''Yo, little brother! My ears are ringin! Is someone makin fun of our mom!?'' &quot;
:'''Muscle Man''': Yeah, they are bro!
:'''John''': &quot;''Oh no bro!'' &quot;
:'''Muscle Man''': I know bro!
:'''John''': &quot;''That's it! I'm comin up there!'' &quot;

===''High Score'' [2.4a]===
:'''Mordecai:''' (groans) What now? Look, we're working. See!
:'''Rigby:''' Yeah, we're never gonna get done if you keep checking up on us!
:'''Benson:''' It's payday, fellas.
:''(Mordecai and Rigby run towards Benson)''
:'''Mordecai:''' Yeah-yuh!
:'''Rigby:''' Aww, nice! My favorite day of the every other week!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Oh hey, Benson. What're you doin here?
:'''Benson''': I thought about what you guys said earlier and so I've come down to give you those checks you wanted.
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': Oh wow, thanks!
:'''Benson''': BUT now that I'm covered in BRAIN GOO, I realized my mistake! ''[shreds and throws checks]'' '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; You want to waste your lives playing video games, we'll then fine! '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; I '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; RESPECT''' '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; YOUR DECISION!!''' '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; JUST DON'T DO IT ON MY TIME HERE EVER AGAIN!!'''
:''[beat.]''
:'''Mordecai''': I can respect that.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, that's cool.

===''Rage Against the TV'' [2.4b]===
:'''Rigby''': Oh no, not this guy! We Never beat this guy!
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, we're going to do it this time, come on. Hit him! Hit him!
:'''Rigby''': I am hitting him! Nothing's happening!
:'''Mordecai''': Aw, dude! Try kicking him in the junk! Kick him in the junk! Kick him in the junk!
:'''Rigby''': ''I'M'' kicking him in the junk!
:'''Mordecai''': Well, keep doing it!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Muscle Man''': Who is it?
:'''Mordecai''': It's us.
:'''Muscle Man''': What do you want?
:'''Mordecai''': We wanna borrow your TV!
:'''Muscle Man''': Why?
:'''Mordecai''': Because. We're about to beat The Hammer.
:'''Muscle Man''': WHAT? (''SLAM'') NOBODY can beat The Hammer! It's impossible.
:'''Mordecai''': Pft! Not for us. Will you let us borrow your TV or not?
:'''Muscle Man''': Yeah. You can borrow it... if you can tell me what The Hammer looks like.
:'''Mordecai''': He's blue, with a black mullet.
:'''Muscle Man''': Fives!
:''[Fives scrolls thru Video Game Power Mag to see stats for The Hammer]''
:'''Hi Five Ghost''': Uh-huh.
:'''Muscle Man''': Oh man!
:'''Rigby''': So can we borrow it?
:'''Muscle Man''': Yeah, you can borrow it. So we can watch you LOSE!! Ahaha! WOOO!!! WOOHOO!!! This is gonna be hilari-uhh! (''CRUNCH!!'')
:''[beat]''
:'''Rigby''': Does Benson have a TV?!

===''Party Pete'' [2.5a]===
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': We gonna party!
:'''Mordecai''': Got some chips, got some dip!
:'''Rigby''': Some call me cheap, bit of a free loada, but I﻿ bought cups for that old school soda!
:'''Mordecai''': I dont need to brag, I dont mean to boast, but here's some hummus for these mini toasts!
:'''Rigby''': HUMMUS!
:'''Mordecai''': HUMMUUS!
:'''Both''': HUUUMMUUUS!!!
:'''Benson''': Why are you guys yelling &quot;hummus&quot;?

&lt;hr width=100%&gt;
:'''Benson''': Is that a party I hear?

===''Brain Eraser'' [2.5b]===
:'''Mordecai''': Pops. Yo, Pops. I found your Mustache Monthly. ''(Puts Pops' Moustaches Monthly on a chair and turns his head around, before seeing Pops, just out of the shower and naked.)'' Aaaaagh!
:'''Pops''': Aaaaagh!
:'''Mordecai''': Aaaaagh!
:'''Pops''': Aaaaagh!
:'''Mordecai''': Aaaaagh! ''(In all the confusion, he now catches a glimpse of Pops' junk mail&quot;.)''
:'''Pops''': Aaaaagh! ''(Pops covers his &quot;junk mail&quot; with his hat. Mordecai covers his eyes. They both try to leave but they're in each other's ways&quot;.)''
:'''Mordecai''': ''(breathing)'' Uh... uh... uh... uh...
:'''Pops''': ''(breathing)'' Uh... uh... uh... uh...
:''(Mordecai finally escapes Pops' room as Pops goes into his bathroom. Mordecai goes downstairs and sits on the couch.)''
:'''Mordecai''': Stop playing for a second. When I went upstairs, Pops was getting out of the shower.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, so?
:'''Mordecai''': And he didn't have a towel.
:'''Rigby''': Ewww!
:'''Mordecai''': I tried not to look and just give him the magazine but I saw his...
:'''Rigby''': His junk mail? Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
:'''Mordecai''': No, dude, I'm mentally scarred. It's like the image is glued in the inside of my eyelids. Every saggy, wrinkled, shriveled, pasty...
:'''Rigby''': Whoa, whoa! Don't put it in my head!
:'''Mordecai''': This is your fault! You have to help me.
:'''Rigby''': I'll help you to forget it if you promise to stop talking about it.
:'''Mordecai''': Deal.
:''(They shake hands.)''

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': Trust me, man. This will make you forget.
:'''Mordecai''': (covering his eyes) No, no. I'm not looking at anything ever again. Every time I open my eyes, I see Pops naked.
:'''Rigby''': Just give it a chance.
:'''Mordecai''': No! ''(Rigby grabs Mordecai's arms.)''
:'''Rigby''': Look at it! Look at it! Look at it!
:'''Mordecai''': Get off! I'm not looking at a stupid-- ''(Mordecai opens his eyes wide and sees Planet Chasers: Starlight Excellent)''
:'''Rigby''': Yes!
:''(Rolls of film fly out of Mordecai's eyes and into the bright TV screen)''
:'''Rigby''': Coooool!
:''(Each film cel shows a piece of Mordecai's memory)''
:'''Rigby''': Did it work?
:''(when the film's over, Mordecai groans and mumbles incoherently)''
:'''Rigby''': Mordecai! Do you remember seeing Pops naked? Pops naked? Nude? In the buff? Naked Pops, naked Pops, naked Pops! Awesome! Dude, it totally worked! Up high! Let's... get you some coffee.

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': It's gone! Naked Pops is gone! I don't remember it anymore!
:'''Benson''': What did you guys do? What is this mess? I can't even take a shower around here without you guys screwing things up--

===''Benson Be Gone'' [2.6a]===
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Snacks disappearing from the snack bar, holes in the walls — $500 worth of prank phone calls?! It's ridiculous! What are you doing to my park, Beenteen?
:'''Benson''': But sir, it's not my fault. It's Mordecai and Rigby. It's right here on my report.
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Are you my park manager, Beenteen?
:'''Benson''': Yes, sir.
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Then ''everything'' that happens here is your fault!
:'''Benson''': Well... yes, technically, but— 
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Say it.
:'''Benson''': ...Everything that happens here is my fault.
:''[a white limo crashes through the left side of the office!]''
:'''Mr. Maellard''': MY CAR!!
:''[Mordecai rolls down the window]''
:'''Mordecai''': Sorry, Benson, remember how I told you I can drive stick? Well, I'm a little rusty.
:'''Rigby''': I told you you should've let me be the one to park it!
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Why are they driving my car when I specifically TOLD ''YOU'' TO PARK IT?!!
:'''Benson''': I did, sir, but I delegated it to Mordecai and Rigby.
:'''Mordecai''': ...Uhh, this is getting a little awkward, so we're gonna take off. ''[backs away]''
:'''Benson''': Wait!!
:''[the limo then falls onto the side of the house, bleeping]''
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Oooh that's it! Emergency meeting tomorrow! Things are going to change around here. I'm sure you're all anxious to get back to work so let make this brief Beancan you're being demoted. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Come on, Benson! We gotta rake these leaves, dude.
:'''Benson''': I can't do this.
:'''Mordecai''': Look, you're bummed out about getting demoted, but if you give it a chance you'll see it's not that bad.
:'''Benson''': ...This is horrible.
:'''Mordecai''': No it's not, you're just in a bad mood. Look, you just need to take your mind off it for a while and have some fun.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah man, we can come back later and finish these leaves.
:'''Benson''': Ahah! This is so typical. You get bored so you just slack off instead of finishing your work.
:'''Mordecai''': It's not slacking, we're just taking a break. And besides, it's not like you're working that hard anyway.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, you're raking like an old man that has a fatter old man holding his arms down.
:'''Benson''': '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; I DON'T FEEL LIKE RAKING NOW, OKAY?!'''
:'''Rigby''': I'm just sayin'...
:'''Benson''': What if Susan catches us? She'll probably fire us for not working.

===''But I Have a Receipt'' [2.6b]===
:'''Mordecai''': ''[reads Darthon manual]'' &quot;Your party walks down a long hallway and reaches a locked door. What do you do?&quot;
:'''Muscle Man''': I smash it open with my war claw! Then, a bunch of ladies come out and they're all, &quot;Ooh, Muscle Man! Quit pinching my butt with your war claw!&quot;
:'''Rigby''': ''[reads]'' &quot;Roll the 50-sided die to see if you unlock the door.&quot;
:'''Skips''': All we have is a 48-sided die and two marbles.
:'''Rigby''': Close enough. ''[Muscle Man chucks the die and marbles]''
:'''Muscle Man''': Huh! ''[the die and marbles roll onto the floor]'' Did it work?
:'''Rigby''': Uhh... I don't think so.
:'''Muscle Man''': This blows!
:'''Pops''': Mordecai, Mordecai! ''[western accent]'' Well, I reckon I'd like a turn now!
:'''Mordecai''': Cyborg cowboys take three days to awaken from hypersleep. Sorry, Pops.
:'''Pops''': Oh...
:'''Skips''': Can't he cast a saving throw?
:'''Mordecai''': U-uh...
:'''Benson''': What does all this stuff mean? Are we even IN Darthon yet?
:'''Mordecai''': Uhh...
:'''Benson''': Or is that just an artifact or something?
:'''Mordecai''': Uhh... ''[shuts book]'' &quot;Your party is suddenly ambushed by a flock of man-bats!&quot; Skips the Mighty gets first strike.
:'''Skips''': ''[rolls die and marbles]'' Hi-yah!
:'''Rigby''': Let's see. Pirate samurai have +2 constitution, -3 charisma, divide by number of geese... Do we have a protractor?
:'''Benson''': I'm outta here.
:'''Muscle Man''': Worst game night ever!
:'''Rigby''': Aah!! Dude, they're RIGHT! This game sucks!
:'''Mordecai''': Let's get our money back.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Pops''': Mordecai, Rigby!
:'''Mordecai''': Pops! Where have you guys been?
:'''Benson''': We were hiding in the armor closet, then suddenly we were in the stock room at Shoe Farm.
:'''Rigby''': Good thing it was worth it! Seven bones, baby!
:'''Benson''': '''Seven Dollars?!!'''[outraged] '''WE ALMOST DIED FOR''' '''SEVEN''' '''DOLLARS'''?!!
:'''Rigby''': The numbers aren't important!
:'''Mordecai''': It was the principle.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, if we're gonna spend that kinda money, it's gotta be on a COOL game!
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah, something like &quot;Trail of Elderitch&quot; or &quot;The Lair of Anthelon&quot;.
:'''Rigby''': Dude, is that out?
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah, it came out last week.
:'''Both''': ''[run back into store]'' Yeah-hah!

===''This is My Jam'' [2.7a]===
:(''Seeing the Summertime Song as a a physical form, taking the form of a music tape with arms and legs with big, red sunglasses'')
:'''Mordecai:'''...What the heck is that?
:'''Rigby:''' I have no idea what I'm looking at.
:'''Mordecai''': I think the song must've left your head and manifested itself into a physical form.
:'''Rigby''': Well, does it have an &quot;Off&quot; switch?
:'''Mordecai''': I dunno!
:'''Rigby''': Hey, dancing song dude! Knock it off! Dude, quit it! Seriously, man! I'm sick of this song!
:''[Casette drums on Rigby's head]''
:'''Rigby''': Get off! [tackles casette and goes right through it] Oh my gosh, it's a ghost tape! ''[jumps into Mordecai's arms]''
:'''Mordecai''': Dude. Calm down. It's not a ghost. It's just music. You can't touch music. But music can touch you.
:'''Rigby''': Oh, barf. How do we get rid of it?
:'''Mordecai''': I don't know. If we just ignore it, it'll probably just go away

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Everyone especially Benson gets annoyed and enraged by Summertime Song]''
:'''Benson''': ''[Growling, Screaming and Angrily throws a clipboard]''
----
:'''Mordecai:''' I've got an idea: Brain Explosion!
:'''Rigby:''' What!? You can't explode my brain! That's gotta be illegal!

===''Muscle Woman'' [2.7b]===

:'''Mordecai''': Hey Muscle Man, we got work to do, remember? ''[Muscle Man breaks down]''
:'''Rigby''': Dude... are you crying?
:'''Muscle Man''': NO! Crying's for ladies, LIKE ''YOU''!! I don't cry!!
:''[cut to a crying nude Muscle Man in the shower, with Mordecai and Rigby knocking outside his caravan]''
:'''Rigby''': Dude, he's been in there for hours!
:'''Mordecai''': Muscle Man! Muscle Man! ''[looks inside]'' Muscle Man, are you taking a shower so we can't see you crying?
:'''Muscle Man''': '''NO!!''' IT'S... IT'S JUST THE SOUND OF THE WATER HITTING THE DRAIN!!
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, what's wrong with him?
:'''Hi-Five Ghost''': ''[appears]'' His girlfriend Starla dumped him last night.
:'''Rigby''': What?! Muscle Man had a girlfriend? I wonder who had more junk in the trunk.
:'''Mordecai''': Muscle Man, just come out! We can talk about it if you want.
:'''Muscle Man''': NO!!! I DON'T TALK ABOUT MY FEELINGS WITH ''ANYONE''!! LEAVE ME ''ALONE''!!!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Alright, Muscle Man, grocery stores have tons of available women.
:'''Muscle Man''': I don't know, Mordecai... None of these ladies are as hot as Starla.
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, man up! Check this out. ''[points]'' That girl is single.
:'''Muscle Man''': How can you tell?
:'''Mordecai''': Check out her cart. American cheese singles, a single serving of soup—and who buys one banana? And I don't see a ring on that finger. So what're you waiting for? Go get her!
:'''Muscle Man''': ''[walks to her]'' Uhh... hey. You're a chick. I was wondering if you wanted to....
:''[....]''
:'''Muscle Man''': I CAN'T DO THIS!! ''[rips shirt showing his chest tattoo]'' THIS HEART BEATS FOR ANOTHER!!! ''[cries as the woman continues strolling]'' STARLAAA!!!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Look! I know how Muscle Man can be. He's annoying, he smells, and he pretty much has no common decency for others, but he's still human. And he has feelings. We all do. We're just fragile beings looking for someone to share something with. To laugh with. To love.

===''Temp Check'' [2.8a]===
:'''Benson''': Hold it. Nope. It's no good.
:'''Both''': Aw, what?
:'''Benson''': It's an INCH TOO tall. Do it again. Do it &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt; '''''ALL''''' '''AGAIN'''!!!!!!&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Both''': (GROAN)
:'''Rigby''': '''It's just ''one'' inch!'''
:'''Benson''': Would you want to play Ultimate Frisbee in this? A guy could trip, skid, get severe turf rash and BAM!! [[Lawsuit]]. Now get to work. 
:'''Rigby''': But- but- but-
:'''Benson''': Oh wait... Is that the sound of somebody who wants to be fired? (silence) That's what I thought.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': So, tell me a little about yourself.
:'''Guy''': ''[with fire on his back]'' Uh, I like pyrotechnics. ''[fireworks blows off his pocket, sets ablaze his pants]''
:'''Rigby''': So, what're you good at?
:'''Parrot''': Rragh! Pyrotechnics! ''[boom!!]''
:''(...)''
:'''Rigby''': Let me guess. You like pyrotechnics.
:'''Redneck''': No. But I do like this. ''[brings harmonica to his rear end]''
:''[...]''
:'''Rigby''': Alright, alright. That's enough!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Benson''': (Turning red) &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;I'm the only one around here who hires and fires. So if you don't really wanna do your own job, I'd be glad to accommodate you. Otherwise, you're on toilet duty for the next '''THREE MONTHS!'''&lt;/span&gt; Unbelievable!

===''Jinx'' [2.8b]===
:'''Benson''': Of course all this trash would still be here. Why do I even try? ''[spots Rigby]'' Hey! Hey!! Get over here right now!
:''[...]''
:'''Rigby''': Benson! Hey man, I need you—
:'''Benson''': ''[covers Rigby's mouth]'' No. Stop. Don't say anything. What is this? You guys expect me to let this slide?
:'''Rigby''': No—yes—I dunno. Look, I just need you—
:'''Benson''': Ugh, what you need? Well, I need is for you to start cleaning up right now or you're FIRED!!
:'''Rigby''': Okay, okay! I'm doin' it! But can you just say my name three— ''[sees Mordecai behind the tree]''
:'''Benson''': What? Say your name? ''[Mordecai holds his fist]'' Why do you want me to say your name? ''[looks behind]'' What? What're you looking at?
:''[Mordecai runs off]''
:'''Benson''': Is that Mordecai? Mordecai!! Mordecai, get over here this second or you're fired! ''[canned by Rigby]'' What the heck, Rigby?! What's the matter with you?? ''[Rigby smiles, cans him again]'' '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; ''AHH!!'' RIGBY!! ''[Rigby trashs him]'' AUGHH''!!'' RAAAHHHHH!!! RAAAAAHHHUH''!!!'' ''[furiously throws trash can up high into the ground and angrily long kicks it]'' RAAAGGHHHHH''!!!''
:'''Rigby''': JUST SAY MY NAME ONE MORE TIME!!! ''[looks up beside Mordecai]''
:'''Mordecai''': Hmhm. Hm. ''[PUNCH!!]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': Gotta find somebody, gotta find somebody! Fives!! You gotta help me, man! You gotta say my name three times! ''[beat]'' I'm jinxed and Mordecai's taking this thing way too far! You gotta say my name three times!!
:''[Fives shakes his head]''
:'''Rigby''': COME OOON!!! ''[Fives shakes again]'' WHY NOT?!?!
:'''Fives''': Because I'm jinxed too...
:'''Muscle Man''': Aha! ''[leap-punches Fives]'' No talking while you're jinxed, loser!
:'''Fives''': Help.. me—
:'''Muscle Man''': SHUT YOUR MOUTH''!!''
:'''Rigby''': Hi-Five Ghost, Hi-Five Ghost, Hi-Five Ghost!
:'''Muscle Man''': Hey!!
:'''Fives''': Ah ha ha ha ha! Whoo!!
:'''Rigby''': Dude, help me back! ''[Fives flies off]'' NO, WAIT!!
:'''Muscle Man''': Dude, why'd you do that for?!
:'''Rigby''': I'm sorry, I just needed to get rid of my jinx!
:'''Muscle Man''': Why don't you take it off yourself?
:'''Rigby''': You can do that?
:'''Muscle Man''': Pft, yeah, it's easy. Now, here's what you gotta do.

===''See You There'' [2.9a]===
:'''Muscle Man:''' Yo, HFG! I found a video game system on the ground. Let's see what happens when we put it in the Microwave.

===''Do Me a Solid'' [2.9b]===
:'''Pops''': Yoo-hoo! Mordecai! Rigby!
:'''Both''': Hey, Pops! Hey, Skips!
:'''Skips''': You think you want some chips with that cheese?
:'''Rigby''': Oh, yeah, I guess we overdid it with the cheese, huh? HYAH!! (SPLAT!!)
:''[all laugh]''
:'''Pops''': Are you supposed to be working at the snack bar today?
:'''Rigby''': Do us a solid and cover for us?
:'''Skips''': You shouldn't abuse the power of the solid. Bad things will happen.
:'''Mordecai''': Can you at least pretend you didn't see us?
:'''Skips''': Okay, but you owe me a solid. ''[drives off]''
:'''Rigby''': We should probably get outta here.
:'''Mordecai''': Do me a solid and buy me a cup of coffee?

===''Grave Sights'' [2.10a]===
:'''Guy:''' OH, MAN! Did You just See That zombie Take a discus to the face?! ''(everyone cheers)''
-----
:'''Mordecai and Rigby:''' ''(singing obnoxiously)'' Because we know everything about scary movies and you know nothing about scary movies! We'll save the park with our knowledge of scary movies!!
:'''Benson:'''  [livid] '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; STOP SINGING OR YOU’RE FIRED!!!'''
:'''Mordecai and Rigby:''' Our... knowledge... of... scary... movies...
:'''Mordecai:''' We'll go get the movie...
-----
:'''Zombie Slayer''': Baby, you let yourself go real bad. 
:''[She groans; Mordecai grabs Rigby's shoulder which makes Rigby yell, jumps into Mordecai's arms and knock over the projector, causing the film to stop; the crowd boos]''
:'''Rigby''': Dude, why did you do that? 
:'''Mordecai''': I didn't know you'd freak out that bad. 
:'''Man''': Hey I want my money back! 
:''[Others agree and Benson, who's in the crowd, turns around to see Mordecai and Rigby]''
:'''Benson''': Fix it! Fix It! 
:'''Mordecai''': Come on, come on! 
:''[They put the projector back on the box, Rigby blows on the tape then accidentally spits on it]''
:'''Mordecai''': Aw, why did you spit on it? 
:'''Rigby''': Shut up, shut up, shut up! 
:'''Man''': This is terrible!
:''[Rigby puts it in the projector the wrong way and it doesn't work]''
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, why isn't it working? 
:'''Benson''': ''[Slamming his chair against the ground in frustration]'' Fix it! FIX IT! FIX IT! 
:''[Rigby gets on the projector and shakes it; it causes rays to go out and into the ground while one of which hits a guy]''
:'''Man''': Ow, my kidneys!
:''[A zombie is seen awakening, and Mordecai takes the tape out]''
:'''Mordecai''': Aw dude, you put it in backwards! 
:''[Mordecai puts it in the projector the right way]''
:'''Mordecai''': There.
:''[The movie continues playing, the crowd cheers and Benson goes back to watching the movie]''
:'''Both''': Phew.
:'''Rigby''': Hmph, hmph. Thanks for almost getting rid of our paid day-off, you loser.

===''Really Real Wrestling'' [2.10b]===
:'''Mordecai''': &quot;Listen up, Mysterious Mister R! Mad Man Mordo's going to take you down! And I'm not talkin' downtown; I'm talkin' 6 ft underground!&quot; 
:'''Rigby:''' &quot;Mad Man Mordo? More like Bland Man Bordo! When I'm done with you people are gonna be like &quot;Ugh! What happened to his face?&quot; and I'll be like &quot;Mysterious Mister R is what happened to his face!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': And that's why we don't have tickets for wrestling because all you can think about is Benson's crank.
&lt;hr width=72%&gt;
:'''Benson''': I knew it. I had a sick feeling, so I came to check on you, and I KNEW it.
:'''Mordecai''': Wait, listen, Benson...
:'''Benson''': No! You guys are FIRED! That's it.
:'''Rigby''': Wait, what? Come on!
:'''Benson''': No! I told you guys, but you DIDN'T wanna listen!

===''Over the Top'' [2.11a]===

:'''Mordecai''': You couldn't let it go. Well, I hope you got what you wanted.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Benson''': Hey! Let me tell you guys something. This guy.. this guy right here is SO strong. He could take anyone of you OUT in arm-wrestling.
:'''Skips''': Nah, nah...
:'''Benson''': Skips! SKIPS!  I am your boss''!!'' And as your boss, I order you to arm-wrestle me.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Muscle Man''': Aw yeah! Meat Cooler Kings round two!
:'''Fives''': Shotgun!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': So everybody thinks I'm dead?
:'''Skips''': Yep.
:'''Rigby''': Dude! We gotta prank 'em!
:'''Skips''': Uh.. Y'know Rigby, I think I've had enough pranks for today.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby:''' (''after beating Skips at arm wrestling'') HATERS GONNA HATE!
----
:'''Skips:''' Two words... PLAYCO ARMBOY!
----
:'''Death:''' I ''will'' have your immortal soul.

===''The Night Owl'' [2.11b]===
:'''Mordecai''': Well, we did it.
:'''Muscle Man''': Yep.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah.
:'''Muscle Man''': Guess all that's left to do now is step down and get the car.
:'''Rigby''': That sounds about right.
:'''Muscle Man''': Well, I'll meet you guys down there. I gotta take down the tent first.
:'''Mordecai''': No, no — we'll take care of the tent. You should go first.
:'''Muscle Man''': I'm not stepping off this thing until you three step off it first.
:'''Mordecai''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Muscle Man''': It means I ''know'' what you're up to!
:'''Mordecai''': You know what I'M up to!? I know what ''YOU'RE'' up to! Step one: working with you is a huge mistake, and step two: get off this billboard, you smell like barf!
:'''Muscle Man''': '''''YOU'' SMELL LIKE BARF!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': GET OFF THIS BILLBOARD, BARF SACK!
:'''Muscle Man''': '''DON'T CALL ME A BARF SACK!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Night Owl''': How does it feel to be part of the final four?
:'''Rigby''': It feels GREAT!
:'''Mordecai''': Awesome!
:'''Fives''': It's exciting!
:'''Muscle Man''': WOOOOO''!!!''
:'''Night Owl''': Mmhm. And how did you make it this far?
:'''Muscle Man''': Working together, baby!!
:'''Night Owl''': ''[chuckles]'' Fantastic. So, what're gonna do with the car?
:'''Rigby''': Share it.
:'''Night Owl''': Hmm, that's funny. Because that's not what Mordecai said.
:'''Muscle Man''': What did Mordecai say..?
:'''Night Owl''': Well, that he was gonna take the car for himself.
:'''Fives''': Rigby said that?
:'''Night Owl''': Yeah. That's what Muscle Man said.
:'''Mordecai''': I knew it!
:'''Rigby''': That jerk.
:'''Fives''': I can't believe this!
:'''Muscle Man''': Oh, he's gonna pay!

===''A Bunch of Baby Ducks'' [2.12a]===
:'''Benson''': I don't care! Find someone to take care of these ducks right now and get back to work or you're fired!

&lt;hr width=100%&gt;
:'''Baby Duck:''' Hey Mordecai and Rigby, thanks. 
:(''Mordecai and Rigby both smile'')
:'''Baby Duck:''' For being the coolest losers we know!
:'''Baby Duck, Moredecai and Rigby:''' OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!
----
:'''Rigby:''' Hmm-hmm. Step off! Step off! You don't want none of this!
----
:'''Moredecai:''' Is there any other things that might need cleaning?
:''[Benson walks away]''
:'''Mordecai:''' ...Benson?
----

===''More Smarter'' [2.12b]===

'''Benson''': And if you don't stop goofing off and clean up this graffiti '''NOW! I’M GONNA TEAR YOU LIMB FROM LIMB!!!'''
:'''Mordecai &amp; Rigby''': Huh...??
:'''Benson''': Do you have anything to say for yourselves?
:'''Rigby''': What just happened?
:'''Mordecai''': Ugh, I don't remember anything...
:'''Muscle Man''': Me and Fives were practicing for a pie-eating contest when you two dweebs came in speaking Spanish or something. ''[chows down pie]''
:'''Fives''': Then you drank that green stuff.
:'''Mordecai''': ''AUGH''!! I can't believe you made me drink your lame drink!
:'''Benson''': Better get started, or it's coming out of your paycheck.
:'''Muscle Man''': Yeah, losers.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': In closing, your theories had failed to prove that you're smarter – for your brain is no bigger than a WALNUT.
:(WALNUT) ''CRAK!!''
:'''Rigby''': Very funny Mordecai, but your paper is fundamentally flawed because your brain is made up of 99% CANINE BUTT CHEEKS.
:(BUTT CHEEKS) ''FWOO-CRAK!!''
:'''Mordecai''': There is still one irrefutable truth. You don't have a high school diploma! So I'm smarter than you! You IMBECILE''!!''
:(IMBECILE) ''FWOOSH-KLAK!!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Benson''': Mordecai, Rigby, get downstairs right now and clean up the mess you made, or I'm gonna fire....
:''[into the smarter world]''
:'''Rigby''': Dude, what is he saying?
:''[Benson, Pops and Skips are now ape-like neanderthals speaking nonsensical gibberish]''
:'''Mordecai''': Oh no! We've become so smart they're stupid to us!
:''[in the real world]''
:'''Mordecai''': Quarum hie vitio morionis!
:'''Rigby''': MORIONIS''!!?'' Moroionis vestros incipe et rem TOTAM''!!''
:'''Mordecai''': Et harum facere daberet ire stultum!
Rigby: If you haven't made fun of me so much, none of this would've happened.

Mordecai: Whatever. You can't even get your diploma, because we're so smart. So, what's the point?

Rigby: You're right. There is no point.

Mordecai: Huh?

Rigby: What's the point of being so smart, if you can't even under- (off-screen) -stand anyone? (on-screen) We have to get stupid again.

Mordecai: How?

Rigby: ...RigJuice.

Mordecai: The fridge! (Mordecai and Rigby float to the fridge.)

(Scene then shows Muscle Man and High-Fives in a different way too while Muscle Man is eating.)

(Rigby opened the fridge.)

Rigby: Ah ha! The RigJuice!

Mordecai: Pour me some.

(Rigby pours the RigJuice to his cup which shows how the material is made out of.)

Rigby: Whoa... It looks... different now.

Mordecai: Ready?

Rigby: Wait. If I drink this, I'll never get my diploma.

Mordecai: Dude, it's just a piece of paper.

Rigby: I know that, but you'll never stop making fun of me for it.

Mordecai: I don't care. I won't make fun of you anymore. I promise. To being stupid?

(Little silence appears)

Rigby: To being stupid. Bottoms up.

===''First Day'' [2.13a]===
:''[Mordecai opens a refrigerator]''
:'''Mordecai''': ...Milk... 
:''[Rigby opens a cupboard]'' 
:'''Rigby''': ...Cereal... 
:''[They are both at the table and they both pour the milk and cereal into a bowl]''
:'''Mordecai/Rigby''': ...Combine. 
:''[Rigby is about to eat the cereal with his face, but Mordecai stops him]''
:'''Mordecai''': ''[picks up a spoon]''  This is the only clean spoon left, dude, lets play &quot;punchies&quot; for it.
:'''Rigby''': Okay, me first. 
:''[Rigby punches Mordecai, but Rigby is shocked at how weak his punch was]'' 
:'''Mordecai''': ''[starts laughing, then punches Rigby harder]'' 
:'''Rigby''': ''[rubs his arm]'' Ow. Take it! 
:''[Rigby moves to the other side of the table as Mordecai laughs and starts eating his breakfast]'' 
:'''Mordecai''': ''[stops eating]'' Man, so far, this job is awesome! I still can't believe we have our own rooms! 
:'''Rigby''': Dude, those rooms aren't cool, there's nothing in them, I had to sleep on the floor last night! 
:''[Rigby starts pouring cereal into his mouth]''
:'''Mordecai''': Well, yeah. I mean, we can go and get stuff for it, once we've earned some money! Ya Know! 
:'''Rigby''': ''[seems full on cereal]'' Yeah, I guess. 
:'''Mordecai''': You want some milk? 
:'''Rigby''': Yeah. 
:''[Mordecai starts pouring milk into Rigby's mouth]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''(Everybody gets up; the park is ruined)''
:'''Mordecai''': Did you win?
:'''Rigby''': ''(coughs)''
:'''Mordecai''': I think you win.
:'''Rigby''': ''(sighs) '' It doesn't matter. I wasn't able to hold on to the chair anyways.
:'''Pops''': Look!
:''(half of the chair is still left)''
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': Aww, cool.
:'''Benson''': No you don't, you're not getting that chair. But here's what you ''do'' get: You get to flip that cart back over, you're throwing' that chair away, and then you're cleaning up this whole '''MESS!!''' Pops, you're comin' with me. And you two idiots, if this isn't cleaned up when I get back, &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''YOU'RE FIRED!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Benson walks into the house with Pops and Skips]''
:'''Mordecai''': Okay, starting now, let's both promise not to do anything to screw this up. Agreed?
:'''Rigby''': Agreed. Rock-paper-scissors for who gets to drive the cart?

===''Go Viral'' [2.13b]===
:'''Wedgie Ninja''': Help me.
:'''Mordecai''': What?
:'''Warden of the Internet''': What's your name?
:'''Pops''': Pops.
:'''Rigby''': It's Pops!
:'''Warden of the Internet''': Step over to your right, Pops.
:'''Pops''': Is this my passport photo for the interwebs?
:'''Warden of the Internet''': Sort of.
:'''Pops''': Ooh, I love photos. I am ready, madame.
:'''Warden of the Internet''': Say 'doomed for eternity.'
:'''Pops''': Doomed for eternity! Oh!
:'''Rigby''': No!

===''Skunked'' [2.14a]===
:'''Rigby''': What!? AHHH! What am I gonna do now!?
:'''Mordecai''': I dunno dude, but we gotta get that smell off you. It reeks.
:''[Rigby angrily ticks off; his pupils dilated, his body has grown larger and violently throttles Mordecai]''
:'''Rigby''': DON'T TELL ME ABOUT HOW I SMELL! I KNOW IT REEKS! YOU DON'T THINK I KNOW IT REEKS!?

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': Dude, Bingo!
:'''Mordecai''': Bingo?
:'''Rigby''': Bingo, bingo!
:'''Mordecai''': Bingo!
:'''Rigby''': Ohhhhh!
:'''Mordecai''': Woahhhhh!

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': '''YOU THINK YOU'RE SO SMART DON'T YOU!? &quot;OH LOOK AT ME, I'M SKIPS, I KNOW EVERYTHING BECAUSE I'M SO ''OLD!''&quot; LET ME TELL YA HOW TO FIX YOUR PROBLEMS IN A REALLY LAME WAY! WELL YA KNOW WHAT I THINK!?''' ''[angrily grabs Skips]'' YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHIN'! YOU DON'T KNOW ''NOTHIN!'' ''[drops him]''

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Teenager''': ''[coughs twice]'' Thank...You. ''[passes out, unconscious]''
:'''Mordecai''': He still counts as a skunk, right?
:'''Rigby''': ''Totally'' counts as a skunk.

===''Karaoke Video'' [2.14b]===
:'''Carrey O'Key''': I SAID NO! I can play that tape whenever I feel like it, and there's not a darn thing you can do about it. I don't want to see you punks back here again. You're &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt; '''BANNED. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Sorry, guys.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, sorry.
:'''Mordecai''': We didn't mean to ruin your good time.
:'''Benson''': No, no! I don't wanna hear it. Hey, I don't know what was on that tape or why those guys were after it, but I'm gonna get to the bottom of this. ''(Turns pink)'' &lt;span style=&quot;color:pink&quot;&gt; &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''You've ruined karaoke night.'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/span&gt;
:''(Benson and the gang donut-straight outta here, leaving them both Mordecai and Rigby behind)''
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah, uh– I know, that's why we tried to... apologize... to you. Man, karaoke sucks.

==External links==

{{wikipedia|Regular Show}}

[[Category:Regular Show seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>d64n824zck3t0h67ekwlsaebftb21v0</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147545</id>
      <parentid>3147539</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:33:49Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Timmy.swartley.8</username>
        <id>3126758</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* More Smarter [2.12b] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="39917" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Seasons:''' [[Regular Show (season 1)|1]] [[Regular Show (season 2)|2]] [[Regular Show (season 3)|3]] [[Regular Show (season 4)|4]] [[Regular Show (season 5)|5]] [[Regular Show (season 6)|6]] [[Regular Show (season 7)|7]] [[Regular Show (season 8)|8]] | [[Regular Show: The Movie|Film]] | [[Regular Show|Main]]
----

The following is a list of quotes from the second season of ''[[Regular Show]]''.

===''Ello Gov'nor'' [2.1a]===
*'''Rigby''': (screams) Mordecai! Wake up! Wake up!
*'''Mordecai''': (in taxi's voice) Ello, &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt; gov'nor!&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;  (turns around to show that his eyes are lit up like carlights. Rigby screams and step back. Mordecai sits up and the British taxi comes out of his body and comes toward Rigby before nightmare ends. Rigby wakes up, screaming, until he gets hit by a pillow thrown by Mordecai.)
*'''Mordecai''': Dude, chill out. You're screaming like a freaking maniac!
*'''Rigby''': I keep having nightmares and bad dreams!
*'''Mordecai''': Just dream about something else then. (lies back down) Dream like you're a tough guy or something.
*'''Rigby''': (trying to sleep) I'm a tough guy. (He says &quot;tough guy&quot; repeatedly).
*''(In his dream, he is a tough guy named Fists and is walking down the street at nighttime.)''
*'''Fists''': They say this city's tough. But I'm tougher. (walks into a dark alley, and a gangster with half of his hair shaved off follows him with a knife)
*'''Gangster''': You walked down the wrong alley, Riggerson. (Fists pins him against the wall.)
*'''Fists''': The name's... (pulls fist back) ...Fists! (He's about to punch him, but then, the taxi comes and shines its lights on him and the gangster.)
*'''British Taxi''': Ello, gov'nor!
*''Fists screams before taxi drives into Fists and gangster''.
:'''Rigby''': (Screams awake again.)
:'''Mordecai''': (Groans angrily with his hands crunching) What the heck, Rigby?!
:'''Rigby''': It's that stupid British taxi. It's all inside my brain!
:'''Mordecai''': Ugh, I knew it. I knew this would happen! I told you we shouldn't have watched that movie.
:'''Rigby''': I know, I'm sorry, I can't help it.
:'''Mordecai''': Ah, all right, dude, we're just gonna desensitize you the horror. We're gonna watch Ello Gov'nor over and over again, until you stop being scared.
:''[later, in the living room]''
:'''Mordecai''': ''[as he pushes Rigby against the screen]'' Look at it. ''Look at it.'' It's not real! You can see the microphone showing!!
:'''Rigby''': Let me go!!
:'''Mordecai''': LOOK AT IT!!
:'''Rigby''': Get off me!
:'''Mordecai''': I'm sick of you keeping me up! You look at it.
:'''Rigby''': LET ME GO!
:'''Mordecai''': LOOK AT IT!!
:'''Rigby''': '''LET ME GO!!'''
:'''Mordecai''': Look at it. Look...at it...you look at it, you...look at it.
:'''Rigby''': Let... me GO!! (Throws the cover)
:'''Benson''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt; '''What the heck is going on?!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Rigby's just freaked off by this stupid dumb British movie we watched.
:'''Benson''': Well you'd better have this place cleaned up by the time I get back from my cricket game.
:'''Mordecai''': Cricket?
:'''Benson''': Yeah. I'm trying new things.. So what.
:'''Mordecai''': (gasps) Will British people be there?
:'''Benson''': It's cricket. What do you think?

===''It's Time'' [2.1b]===
:'''Mordecai''': All right, dude. I'll go to the movie with you. Just call it of with her.
:'''Rigby''': ''[scoffs]'' Yeah, right. I'm not going with you. You had your chance to ask her and you blew it. YOU BLEW IT!
:'''Mordecai''': ''[groans]'' Come on, dude...just give me another chance.
:'''Rigby''': Okay...I'll give you another chance if you admit that you're ''jealous''.
:'''Mordecai''': No!! I'm not jealous!
:'''Rigby''': Then I guess ''I'm'' still going out with Margaret! OOOOOOHHHHH! YOU BLEW IT AGAIN, YOU BLEW IT AGAIN!

===''Appreciation Day'' [2.2a]===
:'''Rigby''': Whoa.
:'''Mordecai &amp; Rigby''': Cool!
:'''Benson''': I'll take that! I don't know what's been going on here or why you two jokers have my book, so you had better clean this mess up starting now, OR '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; YOU'RE BOTH FIRED!!'''
:'''Mordecai''': What mess?
:'''Benson''': ''[He looks around and sees no mess at all]'' Uh—
:'''Rigby''': We did all the job you asked us to do.
:'''Benson''': ... Skips, let's get outta here.
:''[Benson gets in the golf cart, then Benson and Skips drive away]''
:'''Rigby''': What? Still no appreciation plaques?

===''Peeps'' [2.2b]===
:'''Margaret''': Hey, guys. What's with the cameras?
:'''Mordecai''': These? Um... we're making an indie documentary.
:'''Margaret''': Whoa, that's cool!
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah...it's pretty obscure...art-house stuff...
:'''Rigby''': It's so indie, only one dude's gonna see it!
:'''Margaret''': What's it called?
:'''Benson''': ''[on mic] It's called &quot;Slackers 2: The Return of Mordecai and Rigby To Their Jobs&quot;. [on watch]'' Break's over!
:'''Mordecai''': Uh, I guess we'll take two lattes.
:'''Benson''': ''TO GO!!''

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Oh! Uh, hey, Benson! We were just getting back to work!
:'''Benson''': It's okay, Mordecai. I trust you.
:'''Mordecai''': Really?
:'''Benson''': Of course I do! Because now I have this! ''[sets up camera]'' Say hello to Peeps. It's a surveillance system! Now I'll be able to see what you're up to all the time! 24/7, 365. Isn't that great? Well, I'll let you guys finish your work. And remember: I'm watching you. ''[walks away]''
:'''Rigby''': Dude, I don't think Benson trusts us at all!

===''Dizzy'' [2.3a]===
:'''Benson''': It's always good to have you at the park, Mr. Maellard...sir.
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Don't try to fraternize with me, Bert.
:'''Benson''': Actually, sir, my name is &quot;Benson&quot;.
:'''Mr. Maellard''': ''I KNOW WHAT YOUR NAME IS, BEANBAG!!'' So everything is ready for the unveiling of the new statue today, right, ''Beanbag''?
:'''Benson''': Yes, sir. The catering's all set and the sound system is in place.
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Good. Great. There's only one thing missing — my son, ''Pops''!! When I told him he had to give a speech today, he ran away, crying! I didn't invite all my friends and waste a lot of money for nothing. Right, Beenteen?
:'''Benson''': Uh... no, sir.
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Now go find Pops so he can give his speech, or you're FIRED!! Underline, FIRED!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Benson''': I can't find Pops! Did you see him?
:'''Skips''': No! I checked everywhere!
:'''Benson''': Muscle Man! Have you seen Pops at all today?
:'''Muscle Man''': Yeah. And you know who else has seen Pops today?
:'''Benson''': Who? Your mom?
:'''Muscle Man''': I wasn't gonna say that!! Why does everyone always think I'm going to say &quot;my mom&quot;?! I saw Pops earlier by the playground with those two losers.
:'''Benson''': Oh, great. Mordecai and Rigby found him first.
:'''Skips''': We better find him ''quick''!

===''My Mom'' [2.3b]===
:'''Muscle Man''': You know who else has the best tacos in the city?
:'''Rigby''': Dude, Benson will blow a fuse if he finds out we were slacking off!
:'''Muscle Man''': You know who else would blow a fuse if she found out we were slacking off?
:'''Mordecai''': We don't have time for this!
:'''Muscle Man''': You know who else doesn't have time for this!?
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': UGH!!
:'''Muscle Man''': You know who else says &quot;ugh&quot;?! '''MY MOM!!!!'''

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Muscle Man''': Are you making fun of my mom?!?! YOU'RE MAKING FUN OF MY MOM!! NO-ONE ''MAKES FUN OF MY MOM!!!''
:'''John''': &quot;''Yo, little brother! My ears are ringin! Is someone makin fun of our mom!?'' &quot;
:'''Muscle Man''': Yeah, they are bro!
:'''John''': &quot;''Oh no bro!'' &quot;
:'''Muscle Man''': I know bro!
:'''John''': &quot;''That's it! I'm comin up there!'' &quot;

===''High Score'' [2.4a]===
:'''Mordecai:''' (groans) What now? Look, we're working. See!
:'''Rigby:''' Yeah, we're never gonna get done if you keep checking up on us!
:'''Benson:''' It's payday, fellas.
:''(Mordecai and Rigby run towards Benson)''
:'''Mordecai:''' Yeah-yuh!
:'''Rigby:''' Aww, nice! My favorite day of the every other week!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Oh hey, Benson. What're you doin here?
:'''Benson''': I thought about what you guys said earlier and so I've come down to give you those checks you wanted.
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': Oh wow, thanks!
:'''Benson''': BUT now that I'm covered in BRAIN GOO, I realized my mistake! ''[shreds and throws checks]'' '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; You want to waste your lives playing video games, we'll then fine! '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; I '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; RESPECT''' '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; YOUR DECISION!!''' '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; JUST DON'T DO IT ON MY TIME HERE EVER AGAIN!!'''
:''[beat.]''
:'''Mordecai''': I can respect that.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, that's cool.

===''Rage Against the TV'' [2.4b]===
:'''Rigby''': Oh no, not this guy! We Never beat this guy!
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, we're going to do it this time, come on. Hit him! Hit him!
:'''Rigby''': I am hitting him! Nothing's happening!
:'''Mordecai''': Aw, dude! Try kicking him in the junk! Kick him in the junk! Kick him in the junk!
:'''Rigby''': ''I'M'' kicking him in the junk!
:'''Mordecai''': Well, keep doing it!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Muscle Man''': Who is it?
:'''Mordecai''': It's us.
:'''Muscle Man''': What do you want?
:'''Mordecai''': We wanna borrow your TV!
:'''Muscle Man''': Why?
:'''Mordecai''': Because. We're about to beat The Hammer.
:'''Muscle Man''': WHAT? (''SLAM'') NOBODY can beat The Hammer! It's impossible.
:'''Mordecai''': Pft! Not for us. Will you let us borrow your TV or not?
:'''Muscle Man''': Yeah. You can borrow it... if you can tell me what The Hammer looks like.
:'''Mordecai''': He's blue, with a black mullet.
:'''Muscle Man''': Fives!
:''[Fives scrolls thru Video Game Power Mag to see stats for The Hammer]''
:'''Hi Five Ghost''': Uh-huh.
:'''Muscle Man''': Oh man!
:'''Rigby''': So can we borrow it?
:'''Muscle Man''': Yeah, you can borrow it. So we can watch you LOSE!! Ahaha! WOOO!!! WOOHOO!!! This is gonna be hilari-uhh! (''CRUNCH!!'')
:''[beat]''
:'''Rigby''': Does Benson have a TV?!

===''Party Pete'' [2.5a]===
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': We gonna party!
:'''Mordecai''': Got some chips, got some dip!
:'''Rigby''': Some call me cheap, bit of a free loada, but I﻿ bought cups for that old school soda!
:'''Mordecai''': I dont need to brag, I dont mean to boast, but here's some hummus for these mini toasts!
:'''Rigby''': HUMMUS!
:'''Mordecai''': HUMMUUS!
:'''Both''': HUUUMMUUUS!!!
:'''Benson''': Why are you guys yelling &quot;hummus&quot;?

&lt;hr width=100%&gt;
:'''Benson''': Is that a party I hear?

===''Brain Eraser'' [2.5b]===
:'''Mordecai''': Pops. Yo, Pops. I found your Mustache Monthly. ''(Puts Pops' Moustaches Monthly on a chair and turns his head around, before seeing Pops, just out of the shower and naked.)'' Aaaaagh!
:'''Pops''': Aaaaagh!
:'''Mordecai''': Aaaaagh!
:'''Pops''': Aaaaagh!
:'''Mordecai''': Aaaaagh! ''(In all the confusion, he now catches a glimpse of Pops' junk mail&quot;.)''
:'''Pops''': Aaaaagh! ''(Pops covers his &quot;junk mail&quot; with his hat. Mordecai covers his eyes. They both try to leave but they're in each other's ways&quot;.)''
:'''Mordecai''': ''(breathing)'' Uh... uh... uh... uh...
:'''Pops''': ''(breathing)'' Uh... uh... uh... uh...
:''(Mordecai finally escapes Pops' room as Pops goes into his bathroom. Mordecai goes downstairs and sits on the couch.)''
:'''Mordecai''': Stop playing for a second. When I went upstairs, Pops was getting out of the shower.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, so?
:'''Mordecai''': And he didn't have a towel.
:'''Rigby''': Ewww!
:'''Mordecai''': I tried not to look and just give him the magazine but I saw his...
:'''Rigby''': His junk mail? Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
:'''Mordecai''': No, dude, I'm mentally scarred. It's like the image is glued in the inside of my eyelids. Every saggy, wrinkled, shriveled, pasty...
:'''Rigby''': Whoa, whoa! Don't put it in my head!
:'''Mordecai''': This is your fault! You have to help me.
:'''Rigby''': I'll help you to forget it if you promise to stop talking about it.
:'''Mordecai''': Deal.
:''(They shake hands.)''

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': Trust me, man. This will make you forget.
:'''Mordecai''': (covering his eyes) No, no. I'm not looking at anything ever again. Every time I open my eyes, I see Pops naked.
:'''Rigby''': Just give it a chance.
:'''Mordecai''': No! ''(Rigby grabs Mordecai's arms.)''
:'''Rigby''': Look at it! Look at it! Look at it!
:'''Mordecai''': Get off! I'm not looking at a stupid-- ''(Mordecai opens his eyes wide and sees Planet Chasers: Starlight Excellent)''
:'''Rigby''': Yes!
:''(Rolls of film fly out of Mordecai's eyes and into the bright TV screen)''
:'''Rigby''': Coooool!
:''(Each film cel shows a piece of Mordecai's memory)''
:'''Rigby''': Did it work?
:''(when the film's over, Mordecai groans and mumbles incoherently)''
:'''Rigby''': Mordecai! Do you remember seeing Pops naked? Pops naked? Nude? In the buff? Naked Pops, naked Pops, naked Pops! Awesome! Dude, it totally worked! Up high! Let's... get you some coffee.

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': It's gone! Naked Pops is gone! I don't remember it anymore!
:'''Benson''': What did you guys do? What is this mess? I can't even take a shower around here without you guys screwing things up--

===''Benson Be Gone'' [2.6a]===
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Snacks disappearing from the snack bar, holes in the walls — $500 worth of prank phone calls?! It's ridiculous! What are you doing to my park, Beenteen?
:'''Benson''': But sir, it's not my fault. It's Mordecai and Rigby. It's right here on my report.
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Are you my park manager, Beenteen?
:'''Benson''': Yes, sir.
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Then ''everything'' that happens here is your fault!
:'''Benson''': Well... yes, technically, but— 
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Say it.
:'''Benson''': ...Everything that happens here is my fault.
:''[a white limo crashes through the left side of the office!]''
:'''Mr. Maellard''': MY CAR!!
:''[Mordecai rolls down the window]''
:'''Mordecai''': Sorry, Benson, remember how I told you I can drive stick? Well, I'm a little rusty.
:'''Rigby''': I told you you should've let me be the one to park it!
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Why are they driving my car when I specifically TOLD ''YOU'' TO PARK IT?!!
:'''Benson''': I did, sir, but I delegated it to Mordecai and Rigby.
:'''Mordecai''': ...Uhh, this is getting a little awkward, so we're gonna take off. ''[backs away]''
:'''Benson''': Wait!!
:''[the limo then falls onto the side of the house, bleeping]''
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Oooh that's it! Emergency meeting tomorrow! Things are going to change around here. I'm sure you're all anxious to get back to work so let make this brief Beancan you're being demoted. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Come on, Benson! We gotta rake these leaves, dude.
:'''Benson''': I can't do this.
:'''Mordecai''': Look, you're bummed out about getting demoted, but if you give it a chance you'll see it's not that bad.
:'''Benson''': ...This is horrible.
:'''Mordecai''': No it's not, you're just in a bad mood. Look, you just need to take your mind off it for a while and have some fun.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah man, we can come back later and finish these leaves.
:'''Benson''': Ahah! This is so typical. You get bored so you just slack off instead of finishing your work.
:'''Mordecai''': It's not slacking, we're just taking a break. And besides, it's not like you're working that hard anyway.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, you're raking like an old man that has a fatter old man holding his arms down.
:'''Benson''': '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; I DON'T FEEL LIKE RAKING NOW, OKAY?!'''
:'''Rigby''': I'm just sayin'...
:'''Benson''': What if Susan catches us? She'll probably fire us for not working.

===''But I Have a Receipt'' [2.6b]===
:'''Mordecai''': ''[reads Darthon manual]'' &quot;Your party walks down a long hallway and reaches a locked door. What do you do?&quot;
:'''Muscle Man''': I smash it open with my war claw! Then, a bunch of ladies come out and they're all, &quot;Ooh, Muscle Man! Quit pinching my butt with your war claw!&quot;
:'''Rigby''': ''[reads]'' &quot;Roll the 50-sided die to see if you unlock the door.&quot;
:'''Skips''': All we have is a 48-sided die and two marbles.
:'''Rigby''': Close enough. ''[Muscle Man chucks the die and marbles]''
:'''Muscle Man''': Huh! ''[the die and marbles roll onto the floor]'' Did it work?
:'''Rigby''': Uhh... I don't think so.
:'''Muscle Man''': This blows!
:'''Pops''': Mordecai, Mordecai! ''[western accent]'' Well, I reckon I'd like a turn now!
:'''Mordecai''': Cyborg cowboys take three days to awaken from hypersleep. Sorry, Pops.
:'''Pops''': Oh...
:'''Skips''': Can't he cast a saving throw?
:'''Mordecai''': U-uh...
:'''Benson''': What does all this stuff mean? Are we even IN Darthon yet?
:'''Mordecai''': Uhh...
:'''Benson''': Or is that just an artifact or something?
:'''Mordecai''': Uhh... ''[shuts book]'' &quot;Your party is suddenly ambushed by a flock of man-bats!&quot; Skips the Mighty gets first strike.
:'''Skips''': ''[rolls die and marbles]'' Hi-yah!
:'''Rigby''': Let's see. Pirate samurai have +2 constitution, -3 charisma, divide by number of geese... Do we have a protractor?
:'''Benson''': I'm outta here.
:'''Muscle Man''': Worst game night ever!
:'''Rigby''': Aah!! Dude, they're RIGHT! This game sucks!
:'''Mordecai''': Let's get our money back.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Pops''': Mordecai, Rigby!
:'''Mordecai''': Pops! Where have you guys been?
:'''Benson''': We were hiding in the armor closet, then suddenly we were in the stock room at Shoe Farm.
:'''Rigby''': Good thing it was worth it! Seven bones, baby!
:'''Benson''': '''Seven Dollars?!!'''[outraged] '''WE ALMOST DIED FOR''' '''SEVEN''' '''DOLLARS'''?!!
:'''Rigby''': The numbers aren't important!
:'''Mordecai''': It was the principle.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, if we're gonna spend that kinda money, it's gotta be on a COOL game!
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah, something like &quot;Trail of Elderitch&quot; or &quot;The Lair of Anthelon&quot;.
:'''Rigby''': Dude, is that out?
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah, it came out last week.
:'''Both''': ''[run back into store]'' Yeah-hah!

===''This is My Jam'' [2.7a]===
:(''Seeing the Summertime Song as a a physical form, taking the form of a music tape with arms and legs with big, red sunglasses'')
:'''Mordecai:'''...What the heck is that?
:'''Rigby:''' I have no idea what I'm looking at.
:'''Mordecai''': I think the song must've left your head and manifested itself into a physical form.
:'''Rigby''': Well, does it have an &quot;Off&quot; switch?
:'''Mordecai''': I dunno!
:'''Rigby''': Hey, dancing song dude! Knock it off! Dude, quit it! Seriously, man! I'm sick of this song!
:''[Casette drums on Rigby's head]''
:'''Rigby''': Get off! [tackles casette and goes right through it] Oh my gosh, it's a ghost tape! ''[jumps into Mordecai's arms]''
:'''Mordecai''': Dude. Calm down. It's not a ghost. It's just music. You can't touch music. But music can touch you.
:'''Rigby''': Oh, barf. How do we get rid of it?
:'''Mordecai''': I don't know. If we just ignore it, it'll probably just go away

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Everyone especially Benson gets annoyed and enraged by Summertime Song]''
:'''Benson''': ''[Growling, Screaming and Angrily throws a clipboard]''
----
:'''Mordecai:''' I've got an idea: Brain Explosion!
:'''Rigby:''' What!? You can't explode my brain! That's gotta be illegal!

===''Muscle Woman'' [2.7b]===

:'''Mordecai''': Hey Muscle Man, we got work to do, remember? ''[Muscle Man breaks down]''
:'''Rigby''': Dude... are you crying?
:'''Muscle Man''': NO! Crying's for ladies, LIKE ''YOU''!! I don't cry!!
:''[cut to a crying nude Muscle Man in the shower, with Mordecai and Rigby knocking outside his caravan]''
:'''Rigby''': Dude, he's been in there for hours!
:'''Mordecai''': Muscle Man! Muscle Man! ''[looks inside]'' Muscle Man, are you taking a shower so we can't see you crying?
:'''Muscle Man''': '''NO!!''' IT'S... IT'S JUST THE SOUND OF THE WATER HITTING THE DRAIN!!
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, what's wrong with him?
:'''Hi-Five Ghost''': ''[appears]'' His girlfriend Starla dumped him last night.
:'''Rigby''': What?! Muscle Man had a girlfriend? I wonder who had more junk in the trunk.
:'''Mordecai''': Muscle Man, just come out! We can talk about it if you want.
:'''Muscle Man''': NO!!! I DON'T TALK ABOUT MY FEELINGS WITH ''ANYONE''!! LEAVE ME ''ALONE''!!!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Alright, Muscle Man, grocery stores have tons of available women.
:'''Muscle Man''': I don't know, Mordecai... None of these ladies are as hot as Starla.
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, man up! Check this out. ''[points]'' That girl is single.
:'''Muscle Man''': How can you tell?
:'''Mordecai''': Check out her cart. American cheese singles, a single serving of soup—and who buys one banana? And I don't see a ring on that finger. So what're you waiting for? Go get her!
:'''Muscle Man''': ''[walks to her]'' Uhh... hey. You're a chick. I was wondering if you wanted to....
:''[....]''
:'''Muscle Man''': I CAN'T DO THIS!! ''[rips shirt showing his chest tattoo]'' THIS HEART BEATS FOR ANOTHER!!! ''[cries as the woman continues strolling]'' STARLAAA!!!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Look! I know how Muscle Man can be. He's annoying, he smells, and he pretty much has no common decency for others, but he's still human. And he has feelings. We all do. We're just fragile beings looking for someone to share something with. To laugh with. To love.

===''Temp Check'' [2.8a]===
:'''Benson''': Hold it. Nope. It's no good.
:'''Both''': Aw, what?
:'''Benson''': It's an INCH TOO tall. Do it again. Do it &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt; '''''ALL''''' '''AGAIN'''!!!!!!&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Both''': (GROAN)
:'''Rigby''': '''It's just ''one'' inch!'''
:'''Benson''': Would you want to play Ultimate Frisbee in this? A guy could trip, skid, get severe turf rash and BAM!! [[Lawsuit]]. Now get to work. 
:'''Rigby''': But- but- but-
:'''Benson''': Oh wait... Is that the sound of somebody who wants to be fired? (silence) That's what I thought.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': So, tell me a little about yourself.
:'''Guy''': ''[with fire on his back]'' Uh, I like pyrotechnics. ''[fireworks blows off his pocket, sets ablaze his pants]''
:'''Rigby''': So, what're you good at?
:'''Parrot''': Rragh! Pyrotechnics! ''[boom!!]''
:''(...)''
:'''Rigby''': Let me guess. You like pyrotechnics.
:'''Redneck''': No. But I do like this. ''[brings harmonica to his rear end]''
:''[...]''
:'''Rigby''': Alright, alright. That's enough!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Benson''': (Turning red) &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;I'm the only one around here who hires and fires. So if you don't really wanna do your own job, I'd be glad to accommodate you. Otherwise, you're on toilet duty for the next '''THREE MONTHS!'''&lt;/span&gt; Unbelievable!

===''Jinx'' [2.8b]===
:'''Benson''': Of course all this trash would still be here. Why do I even try? ''[spots Rigby]'' Hey! Hey!! Get over here right now!
:''[...]''
:'''Rigby''': Benson! Hey man, I need you—
:'''Benson''': ''[covers Rigby's mouth]'' No. Stop. Don't say anything. What is this? You guys expect me to let this slide?
:'''Rigby''': No—yes—I dunno. Look, I just need you—
:'''Benson''': Ugh, what you need? Well, I need is for you to start cleaning up right now or you're FIRED!!
:'''Rigby''': Okay, okay! I'm doin' it! But can you just say my name three— ''[sees Mordecai behind the tree]''
:'''Benson''': What? Say your name? ''[Mordecai holds his fist]'' Why do you want me to say your name? ''[looks behind]'' What? What're you looking at?
:''[Mordecai runs off]''
:'''Benson''': Is that Mordecai? Mordecai!! Mordecai, get over here this second or you're fired! ''[canned by Rigby]'' What the heck, Rigby?! What's the matter with you?? ''[Rigby smiles, cans him again]'' '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; ''AHH!!'' RIGBY!! ''[Rigby trashs him]'' AUGHH''!!'' RAAAHHHHH!!! RAAAAAHHHUH''!!!'' ''[furiously throws trash can up high into the ground and angrily long kicks it]'' RAAAGGHHHHH''!!!''
:'''Rigby''': JUST SAY MY NAME ONE MORE TIME!!! ''[looks up beside Mordecai]''
:'''Mordecai''': Hmhm. Hm. ''[PUNCH!!]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': Gotta find somebody, gotta find somebody! Fives!! You gotta help me, man! You gotta say my name three times! ''[beat]'' I'm jinxed and Mordecai's taking this thing way too far! You gotta say my name three times!!
:''[Fives shakes his head]''
:'''Rigby''': COME OOON!!! ''[Fives shakes again]'' WHY NOT?!?!
:'''Fives''': Because I'm jinxed too...
:'''Muscle Man''': Aha! ''[leap-punches Fives]'' No talking while you're jinxed, loser!
:'''Fives''': Help.. me—
:'''Muscle Man''': SHUT YOUR MOUTH''!!''
:'''Rigby''': Hi-Five Ghost, Hi-Five Ghost, Hi-Five Ghost!
:'''Muscle Man''': Hey!!
:'''Fives''': Ah ha ha ha ha! Whoo!!
:'''Rigby''': Dude, help me back! ''[Fives flies off]'' NO, WAIT!!
:'''Muscle Man''': Dude, why'd you do that for?!
:'''Rigby''': I'm sorry, I just needed to get rid of my jinx!
:'''Muscle Man''': Why don't you take it off yourself?
:'''Rigby''': You can do that?
:'''Muscle Man''': Pft, yeah, it's easy. Now, here's what you gotta do.

===''See You There'' [2.9a]===
:'''Muscle Man:''' Yo, HFG! I found a video game system on the ground. Let's see what happens when we put it in the Microwave.

===''Do Me a Solid'' [2.9b]===
:'''Pops''': Yoo-hoo! Mordecai! Rigby!
:'''Both''': Hey, Pops! Hey, Skips!
:'''Skips''': You think you want some chips with that cheese?
:'''Rigby''': Oh, yeah, I guess we overdid it with the cheese, huh? HYAH!! (SPLAT!!)
:''[all laugh]''
:'''Pops''': Are you supposed to be working at the snack bar today?
:'''Rigby''': Do us a solid and cover for us?
:'''Skips''': You shouldn't abuse the power of the solid. Bad things will happen.
:'''Mordecai''': Can you at least pretend you didn't see us?
:'''Skips''': Okay, but you owe me a solid. ''[drives off]''
:'''Rigby''': We should probably get outta here.
:'''Mordecai''': Do me a solid and buy me a cup of coffee?

===''Grave Sights'' [2.10a]===
:'''Guy:''' OH, MAN! Did You just See That zombie Take a discus to the face?! ''(everyone cheers)''
-----
:'''Mordecai and Rigby:''' ''(singing obnoxiously)'' Because we know everything about scary movies and you know nothing about scary movies! We'll save the park with our knowledge of scary movies!!
:'''Benson:'''  [livid] '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; STOP SINGING OR YOU’RE FIRED!!!'''
:'''Mordecai and Rigby:''' Our... knowledge... of... scary... movies...
:'''Mordecai:''' We'll go get the movie...
-----
:'''Zombie Slayer''': Baby, you let yourself go real bad. 
:''[She groans; Mordecai grabs Rigby's shoulder which makes Rigby yell, jumps into Mordecai's arms and knock over the projector, causing the film to stop; the crowd boos]''
:'''Rigby''': Dude, why did you do that? 
:'''Mordecai''': I didn't know you'd freak out that bad. 
:'''Man''': Hey I want my money back! 
:''[Others agree and Benson, who's in the crowd, turns around to see Mordecai and Rigby]''
:'''Benson''': Fix it! Fix It! 
:'''Mordecai''': Come on, come on! 
:''[They put the projector back on the box, Rigby blows on the tape then accidentally spits on it]''
:'''Mordecai''': Aw, why did you spit on it? 
:'''Rigby''': Shut up, shut up, shut up! 
:'''Man''': This is terrible!
:''[Rigby puts it in the projector the wrong way and it doesn't work]''
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, why isn't it working? 
:'''Benson''': ''[Slamming his chair against the ground in frustration]'' Fix it! FIX IT! FIX IT! 
:''[Rigby gets on the projector and shakes it; it causes rays to go out and into the ground while one of which hits a guy]''
:'''Man''': Ow, my kidneys!
:''[A zombie is seen awakening, and Mordecai takes the tape out]''
:'''Mordecai''': Aw dude, you put it in backwards! 
:''[Mordecai puts it in the projector the right way]''
:'''Mordecai''': There.
:''[The movie continues playing, the crowd cheers and Benson goes back to watching the movie]''
:'''Both''': Phew.
:'''Rigby''': Hmph, hmph. Thanks for almost getting rid of our paid day-off, you loser.

===''Really Real Wrestling'' [2.10b]===
:'''Mordecai''': &quot;Listen up, Mysterious Mister R! Mad Man Mordo's going to take you down! And I'm not talkin' downtown; I'm talkin' 6 ft underground!&quot; 
:'''Rigby:''' &quot;Mad Man Mordo? More like Bland Man Bordo! When I'm done with you people are gonna be like &quot;Ugh! What happened to his face?&quot; and I'll be like &quot;Mysterious Mister R is what happened to his face!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': And that's why we don't have tickets for wrestling because all you can think about is Benson's crank.
&lt;hr width=72%&gt;
:'''Benson''': I knew it. I had a sick feeling, so I came to check on you, and I KNEW it.
:'''Mordecai''': Wait, listen, Benson...
:'''Benson''': No! You guys are FIRED! That's it.
:'''Rigby''': Wait, what? Come on!
:'''Benson''': No! I told you guys, but you DIDN'T wanna listen!

===''Over the Top'' [2.11a]===

:'''Mordecai''': You couldn't let it go. Well, I hope you got what you wanted.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Benson''': Hey! Let me tell you guys something. This guy.. this guy right here is SO strong. He could take anyone of you OUT in arm-wrestling.
:'''Skips''': Nah, nah...
:'''Benson''': Skips! SKIPS!  I am your boss''!!'' And as your boss, I order you to arm-wrestle me.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Muscle Man''': Aw yeah! Meat Cooler Kings round two!
:'''Fives''': Shotgun!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': So everybody thinks I'm dead?
:'''Skips''': Yep.
:'''Rigby''': Dude! We gotta prank 'em!
:'''Skips''': Uh.. Y'know Rigby, I think I've had enough pranks for today.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby:''' (''after beating Skips at arm wrestling'') HATERS GONNA HATE!
----
:'''Skips:''' Two words... PLAYCO ARMBOY!
----
:'''Death:''' I ''will'' have your immortal soul.

===''The Night Owl'' [2.11b]===
:'''Mordecai''': Well, we did it.
:'''Muscle Man''': Yep.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah.
:'''Muscle Man''': Guess all that's left to do now is step down and get the car.
:'''Rigby''': That sounds about right.
:'''Muscle Man''': Well, I'll meet you guys down there. I gotta take down the tent first.
:'''Mordecai''': No, no — we'll take care of the tent. You should go first.
:'''Muscle Man''': I'm not stepping off this thing until you three step off it first.
:'''Mordecai''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Muscle Man''': It means I ''know'' what you're up to!
:'''Mordecai''': You know what I'M up to!? I know what ''YOU'RE'' up to! Step one: working with you is a huge mistake, and step two: get off this billboard, you smell like barf!
:'''Muscle Man''': '''''YOU'' SMELL LIKE BARF!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': GET OFF THIS BILLBOARD, BARF SACK!
:'''Muscle Man''': '''DON'T CALL ME A BARF SACK!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Night Owl''': How does it feel to be part of the final four?
:'''Rigby''': It feels GREAT!
:'''Mordecai''': Awesome!
:'''Fives''': It's exciting!
:'''Muscle Man''': WOOOOO''!!!''
:'''Night Owl''': Mmhm. And how did you make it this far?
:'''Muscle Man''': Working together, baby!!
:'''Night Owl''': ''[chuckles]'' Fantastic. So, what're gonna do with the car?
:'''Rigby''': Share it.
:'''Night Owl''': Hmm, that's funny. Because that's not what Mordecai said.
:'''Muscle Man''': What did Mordecai say..?
:'''Night Owl''': Well, that he was gonna take the car for himself.
:'''Fives''': Rigby said that?
:'''Night Owl''': Yeah. That's what Muscle Man said.
:'''Mordecai''': I knew it!
:'''Rigby''': That jerk.
:'''Fives''': I can't believe this!
:'''Muscle Man''': Oh, he's gonna pay!

===''A Bunch of Baby Ducks'' [2.12a]===
:'''Benson''': I don't care! Find someone to take care of these ducks right now and get back to work or you're fired!

&lt;hr width=100%&gt;
:'''Baby Duck:''' Hey Mordecai and Rigby, thanks. 
:(''Mordecai and Rigby both smile'')
:'''Baby Duck:''' For being the coolest losers we know!
:'''Baby Duck, Moredecai and Rigby:''' OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!
----
:'''Rigby:''' Hmm-hmm. Step off! Step off! You don't want none of this!
----
:'''Moredecai:''' Is there any other things that might need cleaning?
:''[Benson walks away]''
:'''Mordecai:''' ...Benson?
----

===''More Smarter'' [2.12b]===
:'''Benson''': And if you don't stop goofing off and clean up this graffiti '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; NOW! I’M GONNA TEAR YOU LIMB FROM LIMB!!!'''
:'''Mordecai &amp; Rigby''': Huh...??
:'''Benson''': Do you have anything to say for yourselves?
:'''Rigby''': What just happened?
:'''Mordecai''': Ugh, I don't remember anything...
:'''Muscle Man''': Me and Fives were practicing for a pie-eating contest when you two dweebs came in speaking Spanish or something. ''[chows down pie]''
:'''Fives''': Then you drank that green stuff.
:'''Mordecai''': ''AUGH''!! I can't believe you made me drink your lame drink!
:'''Benson''': Better get started, or it's coming out of your paycheck.
:'''Muscle Man''': Yeah, losers.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': In closing, your theories had failed to prove that you're smarter – for your brain is no bigger than a WALNUT.
:(WALNUT) ''CRAK!!''
:'''Rigby''': Very funny Mordecai, but your paper is fundamentally flawed because your brain is made up of 99% CANINE BUTT CHEEKS.
:(BUTT CHEEKS) ''FWOO-CRAK!!''
:'''Mordecai''': There is still one irrefutable truth. You don't have a high school diploma! So I'm smarter than you! You IMBECILE''!!''
:(IMBECILE) ''FWOOSH-KLAK!!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Benson''': Mordecai, Rigby, get downstairs right now and clean up the mess you made, or I'm gonna fire....
:''[into the smarter world]''
:'''Rigby''': Dude, what is he saying?
:''[Benson, Pops and Skips are now ape-like neanderthals speaking nonsensical gibberish]''
:'''Mordecai''': Oh no! We've become so smart they're stupid to us!
:''[in the real world]''
:'''Mordecai''': Quarum hie vitio morionis!
:'''Rigby''': MORIONIS''!!?'' Moroionis vestros incipe et rem TOTAM''!!''
:'''Mordecai''': Et harum facere daberet ire stultum!
:'''Rigby''': If you haven't made fun of me so much, none of this would've happened.
:'''Mordecai''': Whatever. You can't even get your diploma, because we're so smart. So, what's the point?
:'''Rigby''': You're right. There is no point.
:'''Mordecai''': Huh?
:'''Rigby''': What's the point of being so smart, if you can't even under- (off-screen) -stand anyone? (on-screen) We have to get stupid again.
:'''Mordecai''': How?
:'''Rigby''': ...RigJuice.
:'''Mordecai''': The fridge! (Mordecai and Rigby float to the fridge.)
:(Scene then shows Muscle Man and High-Fives in a different way too while Muscle Man is eating.) (Rigby opened the fridge.)
:'''Rigby''': Ah ha! The RigJuice!
:'''Mordecai''': Pour me some.

:(Rigby pours the RigJuice to his cup which shows how the material is made out of.)

:'''Rigby''': Whoa... It looks... different now.
:'''Mordecai''': Ready?
:'''Rigby''': Wait. If I drink this, I'll never get my diploma.
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, it's just a piece of paper.
:'''Rigby''': I know that, but you'll never stop making fun of me for it.
:'''Mordecai''': I don't care. I won't make fun of you anymore. I promise. To being stupid?

:(Little silence appears)

:'''Rigby''': To being stupid. Bottoms up.

===''First Day'' [2.13a]===
:''[Mordecai opens a refrigerator]''
:'''Mordecai''': ...Milk... 
:''[Rigby opens a cupboard]'' 
:'''Rigby''': ...Cereal... 
:''[They are both at the table and they both pour the milk and cereal into a bowl]''
:'''Mordecai/Rigby''': ...Combine. 
:''[Rigby is about to eat the cereal with his face, but Mordecai stops him]''
:'''Mordecai''': ''[picks up a spoon]''  This is the only clean spoon left, dude, lets play &quot;punchies&quot; for it.
:'''Rigby''': Okay, me first. 
:''[Rigby punches Mordecai, but Rigby is shocked at how weak his punch was]'' 
:'''Mordecai''': ''[starts laughing, then punches Rigby harder]'' 
:'''Rigby''': ''[rubs his arm]'' Ow. Take it! 
:''[Rigby moves to the other side of the table as Mordecai laughs and starts eating his breakfast]'' 
:'''Mordecai''': ''[stops eating]'' Man, so far, this job is awesome! I still can't believe we have our own rooms! 
:'''Rigby''': Dude, those rooms aren't cool, there's nothing in them, I had to sleep on the floor last night! 
:''[Rigby starts pouring cereal into his mouth]''
:'''Mordecai''': Well, yeah. I mean, we can go and get stuff for it, once we've earned some money! Ya Know! 
:'''Rigby''': ''[seems full on cereal]'' Yeah, I guess. 
:'''Mordecai''': You want some milk? 
:'''Rigby''': Yeah. 
:''[Mordecai starts pouring milk into Rigby's mouth]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''(Everybody gets up; the park is ruined)''
:'''Mordecai''': Did you win?
:'''Rigby''': ''(coughs)''
:'''Mordecai''': I think you win.
:'''Rigby''': ''(sighs) '' It doesn't matter. I wasn't able to hold on to the chair anyways.
:'''Pops''': Look!
:''(half of the chair is still left)''
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': Aww, cool.
:'''Benson''': No you don't, you're not getting that chair. But here's what you ''do'' get: You get to flip that cart back over, you're throwing' that chair away, and then you're cleaning up this whole '''MESS!!''' Pops, you're comin' with me. And you two idiots, if this isn't cleaned up when I get back, &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''YOU'RE FIRED!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Benson walks into the house with Pops and Skips]''
:'''Mordecai''': Okay, starting now, let's both promise not to do anything to screw this up. Agreed?
:'''Rigby''': Agreed. Rock-paper-scissors for who gets to drive the cart?

===''Go Viral'' [2.13b]===
:'''Wedgie Ninja''': Help me.
:'''Mordecai''': What?
:'''Warden of the Internet''': What's your name?
:'''Pops''': Pops.
:'''Rigby''': It's Pops!
:'''Warden of the Internet''': Step over to your right, Pops.
:'''Pops''': Is this my passport photo for the interwebs?
:'''Warden of the Internet''': Sort of.
:'''Pops''': Ooh, I love photos. I am ready, madame.
:'''Warden of the Internet''': Say 'doomed for eternity.'
:'''Pops''': Doomed for eternity! Oh!
:'''Rigby''': No!

===''Skunked'' [2.14a]===
:'''Rigby''': What!? AHHH! What am I gonna do now!?
:'''Mordecai''': I dunno dude, but we gotta get that smell off you. It reeks.
:''[Rigby angrily ticks off; his pupils dilated, his body has grown larger and violently throttles Mordecai]''
:'''Rigby''': DON'T TELL ME ABOUT HOW I SMELL! I KNOW IT REEKS! YOU DON'T THINK I KNOW IT REEKS!?

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': Dude, Bingo!
:'''Mordecai''': Bingo?
:'''Rigby''': Bingo, bingo!
:'''Mordecai''': Bingo!
:'''Rigby''': Ohhhhh!
:'''Mordecai''': Woahhhhh!

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': '''YOU THINK YOU'RE SO SMART DON'T YOU!? &quot;OH LOOK AT ME, I'M SKIPS, I KNOW EVERYTHING BECAUSE I'M SO ''OLD!''&quot; LET ME TELL YA HOW TO FIX YOUR PROBLEMS IN A REALLY LAME WAY! WELL YA KNOW WHAT I THINK!?''' ''[angrily grabs Skips]'' YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHIN'! YOU DON'T KNOW ''NOTHIN!'' ''[drops him]''

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Teenager''': ''[coughs twice]'' Thank...You. ''[passes out, unconscious]''
:'''Mordecai''': He still counts as a skunk, right?
:'''Rigby''': ''Totally'' counts as a skunk.

===''Karaoke Video'' [2.14b]===
:'''Carrey O'Key''': I SAID NO! I can play that tape whenever I feel like it, and there's not a darn thing you can do about it. I don't want to see you punks back here again. You're &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt; '''BANNED. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Sorry, guys.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, sorry.
:'''Mordecai''': We didn't mean to ruin your good time.
:'''Benson''': No, no! I don't wanna hear it. Hey, I don't know what was on that tape or why those guys were after it, but I'm gonna get to the bottom of this. ''(Turns pink)'' &lt;span style=&quot;color:pink&quot;&gt; &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''You've ruined karaoke night.'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/span&gt;
:''(Benson and the gang donut-straight outta here, leaving them both Mordecai and Rigby behind)''
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah, uh– I know, that's why we tried to... apologize... to you. Man, karaoke sucks.

==External links==

{{wikipedia|Regular Show}}

[[Category:Regular Show seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>0ic9mep5c4y9ex6kywovz0k0f31uyhb</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147546</id>
      <parentid>3147545</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:34:37Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Timmy.swartley.8</username>
        <id>3126758</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* First Day [2.13a] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="39942" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Seasons:''' [[Regular Show (season 1)|1]] [[Regular Show (season 2)|2]] [[Regular Show (season 3)|3]] [[Regular Show (season 4)|4]] [[Regular Show (season 5)|5]] [[Regular Show (season 6)|6]] [[Regular Show (season 7)|7]] [[Regular Show (season 8)|8]] | [[Regular Show: The Movie|Film]] | [[Regular Show|Main]]
----

The following is a list of quotes from the second season of ''[[Regular Show]]''.

===''Ello Gov'nor'' [2.1a]===
*'''Rigby''': (screams) Mordecai! Wake up! Wake up!
*'''Mordecai''': (in taxi's voice) Ello, &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt; gov'nor!&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;  (turns around to show that his eyes are lit up like carlights. Rigby screams and step back. Mordecai sits up and the British taxi comes out of his body and comes toward Rigby before nightmare ends. Rigby wakes up, screaming, until he gets hit by a pillow thrown by Mordecai.)
*'''Mordecai''': Dude, chill out. You're screaming like a freaking maniac!
*'''Rigby''': I keep having nightmares and bad dreams!
*'''Mordecai''': Just dream about something else then. (lies back down) Dream like you're a tough guy or something.
*'''Rigby''': (trying to sleep) I'm a tough guy. (He says &quot;tough guy&quot; repeatedly).
*''(In his dream, he is a tough guy named Fists and is walking down the street at nighttime.)''
*'''Fists''': They say this city's tough. But I'm tougher. (walks into a dark alley, and a gangster with half of his hair shaved off follows him with a knife)
*'''Gangster''': You walked down the wrong alley, Riggerson. (Fists pins him against the wall.)
*'''Fists''': The name's... (pulls fist back) ...Fists! (He's about to punch him, but then, the taxi comes and shines its lights on him and the gangster.)
*'''British Taxi''': Ello, gov'nor!
*''Fists screams before taxi drives into Fists and gangster''.
:'''Rigby''': (Screams awake again.)
:'''Mordecai''': (Groans angrily with his hands crunching) What the heck, Rigby?!
:'''Rigby''': It's that stupid British taxi. It's all inside my brain!
:'''Mordecai''': Ugh, I knew it. I knew this would happen! I told you we shouldn't have watched that movie.
:'''Rigby''': I know, I'm sorry, I can't help it.
:'''Mordecai''': Ah, all right, dude, we're just gonna desensitize you the horror. We're gonna watch Ello Gov'nor over and over again, until you stop being scared.
:''[later, in the living room]''
:'''Mordecai''': ''[as he pushes Rigby against the screen]'' Look at it. ''Look at it.'' It's not real! You can see the microphone showing!!
:'''Rigby''': Let me go!!
:'''Mordecai''': LOOK AT IT!!
:'''Rigby''': Get off me!
:'''Mordecai''': I'm sick of you keeping me up! You look at it.
:'''Rigby''': LET ME GO!
:'''Mordecai''': LOOK AT IT!!
:'''Rigby''': '''LET ME GO!!'''
:'''Mordecai''': Look at it. Look...at it...you look at it, you...look at it.
:'''Rigby''': Let... me GO!! (Throws the cover)
:'''Benson''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt; '''What the heck is going on?!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Rigby's just freaked off by this stupid dumb British movie we watched.
:'''Benson''': Well you'd better have this place cleaned up by the time I get back from my cricket game.
:'''Mordecai''': Cricket?
:'''Benson''': Yeah. I'm trying new things.. So what.
:'''Mordecai''': (gasps) Will British people be there?
:'''Benson''': It's cricket. What do you think?

===''It's Time'' [2.1b]===
:'''Mordecai''': All right, dude. I'll go to the movie with you. Just call it of with her.
:'''Rigby''': ''[scoffs]'' Yeah, right. I'm not going with you. You had your chance to ask her and you blew it. YOU BLEW IT!
:'''Mordecai''': ''[groans]'' Come on, dude...just give me another chance.
:'''Rigby''': Okay...I'll give you another chance if you admit that you're ''jealous''.
:'''Mordecai''': No!! I'm not jealous!
:'''Rigby''': Then I guess ''I'm'' still going out with Margaret! OOOOOOHHHHH! YOU BLEW IT AGAIN, YOU BLEW IT AGAIN!

===''Appreciation Day'' [2.2a]===
:'''Rigby''': Whoa.
:'''Mordecai &amp; Rigby''': Cool!
:'''Benson''': I'll take that! I don't know what's been going on here or why you two jokers have my book, so you had better clean this mess up starting now, OR '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; YOU'RE BOTH FIRED!!'''
:'''Mordecai''': What mess?
:'''Benson''': ''[He looks around and sees no mess at all]'' Uh—
:'''Rigby''': We did all the job you asked us to do.
:'''Benson''': ... Skips, let's get outta here.
:''[Benson gets in the golf cart, then Benson and Skips drive away]''
:'''Rigby''': What? Still no appreciation plaques?

===''Peeps'' [2.2b]===
:'''Margaret''': Hey, guys. What's with the cameras?
:'''Mordecai''': These? Um... we're making an indie documentary.
:'''Margaret''': Whoa, that's cool!
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah...it's pretty obscure...art-house stuff...
:'''Rigby''': It's so indie, only one dude's gonna see it!
:'''Margaret''': What's it called?
:'''Benson''': ''[on mic] It's called &quot;Slackers 2: The Return of Mordecai and Rigby To Their Jobs&quot;. [on watch]'' Break's over!
:'''Mordecai''': Uh, I guess we'll take two lattes.
:'''Benson''': ''TO GO!!''

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Oh! Uh, hey, Benson! We were just getting back to work!
:'''Benson''': It's okay, Mordecai. I trust you.
:'''Mordecai''': Really?
:'''Benson''': Of course I do! Because now I have this! ''[sets up camera]'' Say hello to Peeps. It's a surveillance system! Now I'll be able to see what you're up to all the time! 24/7, 365. Isn't that great? Well, I'll let you guys finish your work. And remember: I'm watching you. ''[walks away]''
:'''Rigby''': Dude, I don't think Benson trusts us at all!

===''Dizzy'' [2.3a]===
:'''Benson''': It's always good to have you at the park, Mr. Maellard...sir.
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Don't try to fraternize with me, Bert.
:'''Benson''': Actually, sir, my name is &quot;Benson&quot;.
:'''Mr. Maellard''': ''I KNOW WHAT YOUR NAME IS, BEANBAG!!'' So everything is ready for the unveiling of the new statue today, right, ''Beanbag''?
:'''Benson''': Yes, sir. The catering's all set and the sound system is in place.
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Good. Great. There's only one thing missing — my son, ''Pops''!! When I told him he had to give a speech today, he ran away, crying! I didn't invite all my friends and waste a lot of money for nothing. Right, Beenteen?
:'''Benson''': Uh... no, sir.
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Now go find Pops so he can give his speech, or you're FIRED!! Underline, FIRED!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Benson''': I can't find Pops! Did you see him?
:'''Skips''': No! I checked everywhere!
:'''Benson''': Muscle Man! Have you seen Pops at all today?
:'''Muscle Man''': Yeah. And you know who else has seen Pops today?
:'''Benson''': Who? Your mom?
:'''Muscle Man''': I wasn't gonna say that!! Why does everyone always think I'm going to say &quot;my mom&quot;?! I saw Pops earlier by the playground with those two losers.
:'''Benson''': Oh, great. Mordecai and Rigby found him first.
:'''Skips''': We better find him ''quick''!

===''My Mom'' [2.3b]===
:'''Muscle Man''': You know who else has the best tacos in the city?
:'''Rigby''': Dude, Benson will blow a fuse if he finds out we were slacking off!
:'''Muscle Man''': You know who else would blow a fuse if she found out we were slacking off?
:'''Mordecai''': We don't have time for this!
:'''Muscle Man''': You know who else doesn't have time for this!?
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': UGH!!
:'''Muscle Man''': You know who else says &quot;ugh&quot;?! '''MY MOM!!!!'''

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Muscle Man''': Are you making fun of my mom?!?! YOU'RE MAKING FUN OF MY MOM!! NO-ONE ''MAKES FUN OF MY MOM!!!''
:'''John''': &quot;''Yo, little brother! My ears are ringin! Is someone makin fun of our mom!?'' &quot;
:'''Muscle Man''': Yeah, they are bro!
:'''John''': &quot;''Oh no bro!'' &quot;
:'''Muscle Man''': I know bro!
:'''John''': &quot;''That's it! I'm comin up there!'' &quot;

===''High Score'' [2.4a]===
:'''Mordecai:''' (groans) What now? Look, we're working. See!
:'''Rigby:''' Yeah, we're never gonna get done if you keep checking up on us!
:'''Benson:''' It's payday, fellas.
:''(Mordecai and Rigby run towards Benson)''
:'''Mordecai:''' Yeah-yuh!
:'''Rigby:''' Aww, nice! My favorite day of the every other week!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Oh hey, Benson. What're you doin here?
:'''Benson''': I thought about what you guys said earlier and so I've come down to give you those checks you wanted.
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': Oh wow, thanks!
:'''Benson''': BUT now that I'm covered in BRAIN GOO, I realized my mistake! ''[shreds and throws checks]'' '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; You want to waste your lives playing video games, we'll then fine! '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; I '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; RESPECT''' '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; YOUR DECISION!!''' '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; JUST DON'T DO IT ON MY TIME HERE EVER AGAIN!!'''
:''[beat.]''
:'''Mordecai''': I can respect that.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, that's cool.

===''Rage Against the TV'' [2.4b]===
:'''Rigby''': Oh no, not this guy! We Never beat this guy!
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, we're going to do it this time, come on. Hit him! Hit him!
:'''Rigby''': I am hitting him! Nothing's happening!
:'''Mordecai''': Aw, dude! Try kicking him in the junk! Kick him in the junk! Kick him in the junk!
:'''Rigby''': ''I'M'' kicking him in the junk!
:'''Mordecai''': Well, keep doing it!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Muscle Man''': Who is it?
:'''Mordecai''': It's us.
:'''Muscle Man''': What do you want?
:'''Mordecai''': We wanna borrow your TV!
:'''Muscle Man''': Why?
:'''Mordecai''': Because. We're about to beat The Hammer.
:'''Muscle Man''': WHAT? (''SLAM'') NOBODY can beat The Hammer! It's impossible.
:'''Mordecai''': Pft! Not for us. Will you let us borrow your TV or not?
:'''Muscle Man''': Yeah. You can borrow it... if you can tell me what The Hammer looks like.
:'''Mordecai''': He's blue, with a black mullet.
:'''Muscle Man''': Fives!
:''[Fives scrolls thru Video Game Power Mag to see stats for The Hammer]''
:'''Hi Five Ghost''': Uh-huh.
:'''Muscle Man''': Oh man!
:'''Rigby''': So can we borrow it?
:'''Muscle Man''': Yeah, you can borrow it. So we can watch you LOSE!! Ahaha! WOOO!!! WOOHOO!!! This is gonna be hilari-uhh! (''CRUNCH!!'')
:''[beat]''
:'''Rigby''': Does Benson have a TV?!

===''Party Pete'' [2.5a]===
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': We gonna party!
:'''Mordecai''': Got some chips, got some dip!
:'''Rigby''': Some call me cheap, bit of a free loada, but I﻿ bought cups for that old school soda!
:'''Mordecai''': I dont need to brag, I dont mean to boast, but here's some hummus for these mini toasts!
:'''Rigby''': HUMMUS!
:'''Mordecai''': HUMMUUS!
:'''Both''': HUUUMMUUUS!!!
:'''Benson''': Why are you guys yelling &quot;hummus&quot;?

&lt;hr width=100%&gt;
:'''Benson''': Is that a party I hear?

===''Brain Eraser'' [2.5b]===
:'''Mordecai''': Pops. Yo, Pops. I found your Mustache Monthly. ''(Puts Pops' Moustaches Monthly on a chair and turns his head around, before seeing Pops, just out of the shower and naked.)'' Aaaaagh!
:'''Pops''': Aaaaagh!
:'''Mordecai''': Aaaaagh!
:'''Pops''': Aaaaagh!
:'''Mordecai''': Aaaaagh! ''(In all the confusion, he now catches a glimpse of Pops' junk mail&quot;.)''
:'''Pops''': Aaaaagh! ''(Pops covers his &quot;junk mail&quot; with his hat. Mordecai covers his eyes. They both try to leave but they're in each other's ways&quot;.)''
:'''Mordecai''': ''(breathing)'' Uh... uh... uh... uh...
:'''Pops''': ''(breathing)'' Uh... uh... uh... uh...
:''(Mordecai finally escapes Pops' room as Pops goes into his bathroom. Mordecai goes downstairs and sits on the couch.)''
:'''Mordecai''': Stop playing for a second. When I went upstairs, Pops was getting out of the shower.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, so?
:'''Mordecai''': And he didn't have a towel.
:'''Rigby''': Ewww!
:'''Mordecai''': I tried not to look and just give him the magazine but I saw his...
:'''Rigby''': His junk mail? Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
:'''Mordecai''': No, dude, I'm mentally scarred. It's like the image is glued in the inside of my eyelids. Every saggy, wrinkled, shriveled, pasty...
:'''Rigby''': Whoa, whoa! Don't put it in my head!
:'''Mordecai''': This is your fault! You have to help me.
:'''Rigby''': I'll help you to forget it if you promise to stop talking about it.
:'''Mordecai''': Deal.
:''(They shake hands.)''

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': Trust me, man. This will make you forget.
:'''Mordecai''': (covering his eyes) No, no. I'm not looking at anything ever again. Every time I open my eyes, I see Pops naked.
:'''Rigby''': Just give it a chance.
:'''Mordecai''': No! ''(Rigby grabs Mordecai's arms.)''
:'''Rigby''': Look at it! Look at it! Look at it!
:'''Mordecai''': Get off! I'm not looking at a stupid-- ''(Mordecai opens his eyes wide and sees Planet Chasers: Starlight Excellent)''
:'''Rigby''': Yes!
:''(Rolls of film fly out of Mordecai's eyes and into the bright TV screen)''
:'''Rigby''': Coooool!
:''(Each film cel shows a piece of Mordecai's memory)''
:'''Rigby''': Did it work?
:''(when the film's over, Mordecai groans and mumbles incoherently)''
:'''Rigby''': Mordecai! Do you remember seeing Pops naked? Pops naked? Nude? In the buff? Naked Pops, naked Pops, naked Pops! Awesome! Dude, it totally worked! Up high! Let's... get you some coffee.

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': It's gone! Naked Pops is gone! I don't remember it anymore!
:'''Benson''': What did you guys do? What is this mess? I can't even take a shower around here without you guys screwing things up--

===''Benson Be Gone'' [2.6a]===
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Snacks disappearing from the snack bar, holes in the walls — $500 worth of prank phone calls?! It's ridiculous! What are you doing to my park, Beenteen?
:'''Benson''': But sir, it's not my fault. It's Mordecai and Rigby. It's right here on my report.
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Are you my park manager, Beenteen?
:'''Benson''': Yes, sir.
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Then ''everything'' that happens here is your fault!
:'''Benson''': Well... yes, technically, but— 
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Say it.
:'''Benson''': ...Everything that happens here is my fault.
:''[a white limo crashes through the left side of the office!]''
:'''Mr. Maellard''': MY CAR!!
:''[Mordecai rolls down the window]''
:'''Mordecai''': Sorry, Benson, remember how I told you I can drive stick? Well, I'm a little rusty.
:'''Rigby''': I told you you should've let me be the one to park it!
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Why are they driving my car when I specifically TOLD ''YOU'' TO PARK IT?!!
:'''Benson''': I did, sir, but I delegated it to Mordecai and Rigby.
:'''Mordecai''': ...Uhh, this is getting a little awkward, so we're gonna take off. ''[backs away]''
:'''Benson''': Wait!!
:''[the limo then falls onto the side of the house, bleeping]''
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Oooh that's it! Emergency meeting tomorrow! Things are going to change around here. I'm sure you're all anxious to get back to work so let make this brief Beancan you're being demoted. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Come on, Benson! We gotta rake these leaves, dude.
:'''Benson''': I can't do this.
:'''Mordecai''': Look, you're bummed out about getting demoted, but if you give it a chance you'll see it's not that bad.
:'''Benson''': ...This is horrible.
:'''Mordecai''': No it's not, you're just in a bad mood. Look, you just need to take your mind off it for a while and have some fun.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah man, we can come back later and finish these leaves.
:'''Benson''': Ahah! This is so typical. You get bored so you just slack off instead of finishing your work.
:'''Mordecai''': It's not slacking, we're just taking a break. And besides, it's not like you're working that hard anyway.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, you're raking like an old man that has a fatter old man holding his arms down.
:'''Benson''': '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; I DON'T FEEL LIKE RAKING NOW, OKAY?!'''
:'''Rigby''': I'm just sayin'...
:'''Benson''': What if Susan catches us? She'll probably fire us for not working.

===''But I Have a Receipt'' [2.6b]===
:'''Mordecai''': ''[reads Darthon manual]'' &quot;Your party walks down a long hallway and reaches a locked door. What do you do?&quot;
:'''Muscle Man''': I smash it open with my war claw! Then, a bunch of ladies come out and they're all, &quot;Ooh, Muscle Man! Quit pinching my butt with your war claw!&quot;
:'''Rigby''': ''[reads]'' &quot;Roll the 50-sided die to see if you unlock the door.&quot;
:'''Skips''': All we have is a 48-sided die and two marbles.
:'''Rigby''': Close enough. ''[Muscle Man chucks the die and marbles]''
:'''Muscle Man''': Huh! ''[the die and marbles roll onto the floor]'' Did it work?
:'''Rigby''': Uhh... I don't think so.
:'''Muscle Man''': This blows!
:'''Pops''': Mordecai, Mordecai! ''[western accent]'' Well, I reckon I'd like a turn now!
:'''Mordecai''': Cyborg cowboys take three days to awaken from hypersleep. Sorry, Pops.
:'''Pops''': Oh...
:'''Skips''': Can't he cast a saving throw?
:'''Mordecai''': U-uh...
:'''Benson''': What does all this stuff mean? Are we even IN Darthon yet?
:'''Mordecai''': Uhh...
:'''Benson''': Or is that just an artifact or something?
:'''Mordecai''': Uhh... ''[shuts book]'' &quot;Your party is suddenly ambushed by a flock of man-bats!&quot; Skips the Mighty gets first strike.
:'''Skips''': ''[rolls die and marbles]'' Hi-yah!
:'''Rigby''': Let's see. Pirate samurai have +2 constitution, -3 charisma, divide by number of geese... Do we have a protractor?
:'''Benson''': I'm outta here.
:'''Muscle Man''': Worst game night ever!
:'''Rigby''': Aah!! Dude, they're RIGHT! This game sucks!
:'''Mordecai''': Let's get our money back.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Pops''': Mordecai, Rigby!
:'''Mordecai''': Pops! Where have you guys been?
:'''Benson''': We were hiding in the armor closet, then suddenly we were in the stock room at Shoe Farm.
:'''Rigby''': Good thing it was worth it! Seven bones, baby!
:'''Benson''': '''Seven Dollars?!!'''[outraged] '''WE ALMOST DIED FOR''' '''SEVEN''' '''DOLLARS'''?!!
:'''Rigby''': The numbers aren't important!
:'''Mordecai''': It was the principle.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, if we're gonna spend that kinda money, it's gotta be on a COOL game!
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah, something like &quot;Trail of Elderitch&quot; or &quot;The Lair of Anthelon&quot;.
:'''Rigby''': Dude, is that out?
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah, it came out last week.
:'''Both''': ''[run back into store]'' Yeah-hah!

===''This is My Jam'' [2.7a]===
:(''Seeing the Summertime Song as a a physical form, taking the form of a music tape with arms and legs with big, red sunglasses'')
:'''Mordecai:'''...What the heck is that?
:'''Rigby:''' I have no idea what I'm looking at.
:'''Mordecai''': I think the song must've left your head and manifested itself into a physical form.
:'''Rigby''': Well, does it have an &quot;Off&quot; switch?
:'''Mordecai''': I dunno!
:'''Rigby''': Hey, dancing song dude! Knock it off! Dude, quit it! Seriously, man! I'm sick of this song!
:''[Casette drums on Rigby's head]''
:'''Rigby''': Get off! [tackles casette and goes right through it] Oh my gosh, it's a ghost tape! ''[jumps into Mordecai's arms]''
:'''Mordecai''': Dude. Calm down. It's not a ghost. It's just music. You can't touch music. But music can touch you.
:'''Rigby''': Oh, barf. How do we get rid of it?
:'''Mordecai''': I don't know. If we just ignore it, it'll probably just go away

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Everyone especially Benson gets annoyed and enraged by Summertime Song]''
:'''Benson''': ''[Growling, Screaming and Angrily throws a clipboard]''
----
:'''Mordecai:''' I've got an idea: Brain Explosion!
:'''Rigby:''' What!? You can't explode my brain! That's gotta be illegal!

===''Muscle Woman'' [2.7b]===

:'''Mordecai''': Hey Muscle Man, we got work to do, remember? ''[Muscle Man breaks down]''
:'''Rigby''': Dude... are you crying?
:'''Muscle Man''': NO! Crying's for ladies, LIKE ''YOU''!! I don't cry!!
:''[cut to a crying nude Muscle Man in the shower, with Mordecai and Rigby knocking outside his caravan]''
:'''Rigby''': Dude, he's been in there for hours!
:'''Mordecai''': Muscle Man! Muscle Man! ''[looks inside]'' Muscle Man, are you taking a shower so we can't see you crying?
:'''Muscle Man''': '''NO!!''' IT'S... IT'S JUST THE SOUND OF THE WATER HITTING THE DRAIN!!
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, what's wrong with him?
:'''Hi-Five Ghost''': ''[appears]'' His girlfriend Starla dumped him last night.
:'''Rigby''': What?! Muscle Man had a girlfriend? I wonder who had more junk in the trunk.
:'''Mordecai''': Muscle Man, just come out! We can talk about it if you want.
:'''Muscle Man''': NO!!! I DON'T TALK ABOUT MY FEELINGS WITH ''ANYONE''!! LEAVE ME ''ALONE''!!!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Alright, Muscle Man, grocery stores have tons of available women.
:'''Muscle Man''': I don't know, Mordecai... None of these ladies are as hot as Starla.
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, man up! Check this out. ''[points]'' That girl is single.
:'''Muscle Man''': How can you tell?
:'''Mordecai''': Check out her cart. American cheese singles, a single serving of soup—and who buys one banana? And I don't see a ring on that finger. So what're you waiting for? Go get her!
:'''Muscle Man''': ''[walks to her]'' Uhh... hey. You're a chick. I was wondering if you wanted to....
:''[....]''
:'''Muscle Man''': I CAN'T DO THIS!! ''[rips shirt showing his chest tattoo]'' THIS HEART BEATS FOR ANOTHER!!! ''[cries as the woman continues strolling]'' STARLAAA!!!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Look! I know how Muscle Man can be. He's annoying, he smells, and he pretty much has no common decency for others, but he's still human. And he has feelings. We all do. We're just fragile beings looking for someone to share something with. To laugh with. To love.

===''Temp Check'' [2.8a]===
:'''Benson''': Hold it. Nope. It's no good.
:'''Both''': Aw, what?
:'''Benson''': It's an INCH TOO tall. Do it again. Do it &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt; '''''ALL''''' '''AGAIN'''!!!!!!&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Both''': (GROAN)
:'''Rigby''': '''It's just ''one'' inch!'''
:'''Benson''': Would you want to play Ultimate Frisbee in this? A guy could trip, skid, get severe turf rash and BAM!! [[Lawsuit]]. Now get to work. 
:'''Rigby''': But- but- but-
:'''Benson''': Oh wait... Is that the sound of somebody who wants to be fired? (silence) That's what I thought.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': So, tell me a little about yourself.
:'''Guy''': ''[with fire on his back]'' Uh, I like pyrotechnics. ''[fireworks blows off his pocket, sets ablaze his pants]''
:'''Rigby''': So, what're you good at?
:'''Parrot''': Rragh! Pyrotechnics! ''[boom!!]''
:''(...)''
:'''Rigby''': Let me guess. You like pyrotechnics.
:'''Redneck''': No. But I do like this. ''[brings harmonica to his rear end]''
:''[...]''
:'''Rigby''': Alright, alright. That's enough!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Benson''': (Turning red) &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;I'm the only one around here who hires and fires. So if you don't really wanna do your own job, I'd be glad to accommodate you. Otherwise, you're on toilet duty for the next '''THREE MONTHS!'''&lt;/span&gt; Unbelievable!

===''Jinx'' [2.8b]===
:'''Benson''': Of course all this trash would still be here. Why do I even try? ''[spots Rigby]'' Hey! Hey!! Get over here right now!
:''[...]''
:'''Rigby''': Benson! Hey man, I need you—
:'''Benson''': ''[covers Rigby's mouth]'' No. Stop. Don't say anything. What is this? You guys expect me to let this slide?
:'''Rigby''': No—yes—I dunno. Look, I just need you—
:'''Benson''': Ugh, what you need? Well, I need is for you to start cleaning up right now or you're FIRED!!
:'''Rigby''': Okay, okay! I'm doin' it! But can you just say my name three— ''[sees Mordecai behind the tree]''
:'''Benson''': What? Say your name? ''[Mordecai holds his fist]'' Why do you want me to say your name? ''[looks behind]'' What? What're you looking at?
:''[Mordecai runs off]''
:'''Benson''': Is that Mordecai? Mordecai!! Mordecai, get over here this second or you're fired! ''[canned by Rigby]'' What the heck, Rigby?! What's the matter with you?? ''[Rigby smiles, cans him again]'' '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; ''AHH!!'' RIGBY!! ''[Rigby trashs him]'' AUGHH''!!'' RAAAHHHHH!!! RAAAAAHHHUH''!!!'' ''[furiously throws trash can up high into the ground and angrily long kicks it]'' RAAAGGHHHHH''!!!''
:'''Rigby''': JUST SAY MY NAME ONE MORE TIME!!! ''[looks up beside Mordecai]''
:'''Mordecai''': Hmhm. Hm. ''[PUNCH!!]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': Gotta find somebody, gotta find somebody! Fives!! You gotta help me, man! You gotta say my name three times! ''[beat]'' I'm jinxed and Mordecai's taking this thing way too far! You gotta say my name three times!!
:''[Fives shakes his head]''
:'''Rigby''': COME OOON!!! ''[Fives shakes again]'' WHY NOT?!?!
:'''Fives''': Because I'm jinxed too...
:'''Muscle Man''': Aha! ''[leap-punches Fives]'' No talking while you're jinxed, loser!
:'''Fives''': Help.. me—
:'''Muscle Man''': SHUT YOUR MOUTH''!!''
:'''Rigby''': Hi-Five Ghost, Hi-Five Ghost, Hi-Five Ghost!
:'''Muscle Man''': Hey!!
:'''Fives''': Ah ha ha ha ha! Whoo!!
:'''Rigby''': Dude, help me back! ''[Fives flies off]'' NO, WAIT!!
:'''Muscle Man''': Dude, why'd you do that for?!
:'''Rigby''': I'm sorry, I just needed to get rid of my jinx!
:'''Muscle Man''': Why don't you take it off yourself?
:'''Rigby''': You can do that?
:'''Muscle Man''': Pft, yeah, it's easy. Now, here's what you gotta do.

===''See You There'' [2.9a]===
:'''Muscle Man:''' Yo, HFG! I found a video game system on the ground. Let's see what happens when we put it in the Microwave.

===''Do Me a Solid'' [2.9b]===
:'''Pops''': Yoo-hoo! Mordecai! Rigby!
:'''Both''': Hey, Pops! Hey, Skips!
:'''Skips''': You think you want some chips with that cheese?
:'''Rigby''': Oh, yeah, I guess we overdid it with the cheese, huh? HYAH!! (SPLAT!!)
:''[all laugh]''
:'''Pops''': Are you supposed to be working at the snack bar today?
:'''Rigby''': Do us a solid and cover for us?
:'''Skips''': You shouldn't abuse the power of the solid. Bad things will happen.
:'''Mordecai''': Can you at least pretend you didn't see us?
:'''Skips''': Okay, but you owe me a solid. ''[drives off]''
:'''Rigby''': We should probably get outta here.
:'''Mordecai''': Do me a solid and buy me a cup of coffee?

===''Grave Sights'' [2.10a]===
:'''Guy:''' OH, MAN! Did You just See That zombie Take a discus to the face?! ''(everyone cheers)''
-----
:'''Mordecai and Rigby:''' ''(singing obnoxiously)'' Because we know everything about scary movies and you know nothing about scary movies! We'll save the park with our knowledge of scary movies!!
:'''Benson:'''  [livid] '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; STOP SINGING OR YOU’RE FIRED!!!'''
:'''Mordecai and Rigby:''' Our... knowledge... of... scary... movies...
:'''Mordecai:''' We'll go get the movie...
-----
:'''Zombie Slayer''': Baby, you let yourself go real bad. 
:''[She groans; Mordecai grabs Rigby's shoulder which makes Rigby yell, jumps into Mordecai's arms and knock over the projector, causing the film to stop; the crowd boos]''
:'''Rigby''': Dude, why did you do that? 
:'''Mordecai''': I didn't know you'd freak out that bad. 
:'''Man''': Hey I want my money back! 
:''[Others agree and Benson, who's in the crowd, turns around to see Mordecai and Rigby]''
:'''Benson''': Fix it! Fix It! 
:'''Mordecai''': Come on, come on! 
:''[They put the projector back on the box, Rigby blows on the tape then accidentally spits on it]''
:'''Mordecai''': Aw, why did you spit on it? 
:'''Rigby''': Shut up, shut up, shut up! 
:'''Man''': This is terrible!
:''[Rigby puts it in the projector the wrong way and it doesn't work]''
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, why isn't it working? 
:'''Benson''': ''[Slamming his chair against the ground in frustration]'' Fix it! FIX IT! FIX IT! 
:''[Rigby gets on the projector and shakes it; it causes rays to go out and into the ground while one of which hits a guy]''
:'''Man''': Ow, my kidneys!
:''[A zombie is seen awakening, and Mordecai takes the tape out]''
:'''Mordecai''': Aw dude, you put it in backwards! 
:''[Mordecai puts it in the projector the right way]''
:'''Mordecai''': There.
:''[The movie continues playing, the crowd cheers and Benson goes back to watching the movie]''
:'''Both''': Phew.
:'''Rigby''': Hmph, hmph. Thanks for almost getting rid of our paid day-off, you loser.

===''Really Real Wrestling'' [2.10b]===
:'''Mordecai''': &quot;Listen up, Mysterious Mister R! Mad Man Mordo's going to take you down! And I'm not talkin' downtown; I'm talkin' 6 ft underground!&quot; 
:'''Rigby:''' &quot;Mad Man Mordo? More like Bland Man Bordo! When I'm done with you people are gonna be like &quot;Ugh! What happened to his face?&quot; and I'll be like &quot;Mysterious Mister R is what happened to his face!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': And that's why we don't have tickets for wrestling because all you can think about is Benson's crank.
&lt;hr width=72%&gt;
:'''Benson''': I knew it. I had a sick feeling, so I came to check on you, and I KNEW it.
:'''Mordecai''': Wait, listen, Benson...
:'''Benson''': No! You guys are FIRED! That's it.
:'''Rigby''': Wait, what? Come on!
:'''Benson''': No! I told you guys, but you DIDN'T wanna listen!

===''Over the Top'' [2.11a]===

:'''Mordecai''': You couldn't let it go. Well, I hope you got what you wanted.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Benson''': Hey! Let me tell you guys something. This guy.. this guy right here is SO strong. He could take anyone of you OUT in arm-wrestling.
:'''Skips''': Nah, nah...
:'''Benson''': Skips! SKIPS!  I am your boss''!!'' And as your boss, I order you to arm-wrestle me.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Muscle Man''': Aw yeah! Meat Cooler Kings round two!
:'''Fives''': Shotgun!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': So everybody thinks I'm dead?
:'''Skips''': Yep.
:'''Rigby''': Dude! We gotta prank 'em!
:'''Skips''': Uh.. Y'know Rigby, I think I've had enough pranks for today.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby:''' (''after beating Skips at arm wrestling'') HATERS GONNA HATE!
----
:'''Skips:''' Two words... PLAYCO ARMBOY!
----
:'''Death:''' I ''will'' have your immortal soul.

===''The Night Owl'' [2.11b]===
:'''Mordecai''': Well, we did it.
:'''Muscle Man''': Yep.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah.
:'''Muscle Man''': Guess all that's left to do now is step down and get the car.
:'''Rigby''': That sounds about right.
:'''Muscle Man''': Well, I'll meet you guys down there. I gotta take down the tent first.
:'''Mordecai''': No, no — we'll take care of the tent. You should go first.
:'''Muscle Man''': I'm not stepping off this thing until you three step off it first.
:'''Mordecai''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Muscle Man''': It means I ''know'' what you're up to!
:'''Mordecai''': You know what I'M up to!? I know what ''YOU'RE'' up to! Step one: working with you is a huge mistake, and step two: get off this billboard, you smell like barf!
:'''Muscle Man''': '''''YOU'' SMELL LIKE BARF!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': GET OFF THIS BILLBOARD, BARF SACK!
:'''Muscle Man''': '''DON'T CALL ME A BARF SACK!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Night Owl''': How does it feel to be part of the final four?
:'''Rigby''': It feels GREAT!
:'''Mordecai''': Awesome!
:'''Fives''': It's exciting!
:'''Muscle Man''': WOOOOO''!!!''
:'''Night Owl''': Mmhm. And how did you make it this far?
:'''Muscle Man''': Working together, baby!!
:'''Night Owl''': ''[chuckles]'' Fantastic. So, what're gonna do with the car?
:'''Rigby''': Share it.
:'''Night Owl''': Hmm, that's funny. Because that's not what Mordecai said.
:'''Muscle Man''': What did Mordecai say..?
:'''Night Owl''': Well, that he was gonna take the car for himself.
:'''Fives''': Rigby said that?
:'''Night Owl''': Yeah. That's what Muscle Man said.
:'''Mordecai''': I knew it!
:'''Rigby''': That jerk.
:'''Fives''': I can't believe this!
:'''Muscle Man''': Oh, he's gonna pay!

===''A Bunch of Baby Ducks'' [2.12a]===
:'''Benson''': I don't care! Find someone to take care of these ducks right now and get back to work or you're fired!

&lt;hr width=100%&gt;
:'''Baby Duck:''' Hey Mordecai and Rigby, thanks. 
:(''Mordecai and Rigby both smile'')
:'''Baby Duck:''' For being the coolest losers we know!
:'''Baby Duck, Moredecai and Rigby:''' OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!
----
:'''Rigby:''' Hmm-hmm. Step off! Step off! You don't want none of this!
----
:'''Moredecai:''' Is there any other things that might need cleaning?
:''[Benson walks away]''
:'''Mordecai:''' ...Benson?
----

===''More Smarter'' [2.12b]===
:'''Benson''': And if you don't stop goofing off and clean up this graffiti '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; NOW! I’M GONNA TEAR YOU LIMB FROM LIMB!!!'''
:'''Mordecai &amp; Rigby''': Huh...??
:'''Benson''': Do you have anything to say for yourselves?
:'''Rigby''': What just happened?
:'''Mordecai''': Ugh, I don't remember anything...
:'''Muscle Man''': Me and Fives were practicing for a pie-eating contest when you two dweebs came in speaking Spanish or something. ''[chows down pie]''
:'''Fives''': Then you drank that green stuff.
:'''Mordecai''': ''AUGH''!! I can't believe you made me drink your lame drink!
:'''Benson''': Better get started, or it's coming out of your paycheck.
:'''Muscle Man''': Yeah, losers.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': In closing, your theories had failed to prove that you're smarter – for your brain is no bigger than a WALNUT.
:(WALNUT) ''CRAK!!''
:'''Rigby''': Very funny Mordecai, but your paper is fundamentally flawed because your brain is made up of 99% CANINE BUTT CHEEKS.
:(BUTT CHEEKS) ''FWOO-CRAK!!''
:'''Mordecai''': There is still one irrefutable truth. You don't have a high school diploma! So I'm smarter than you! You IMBECILE''!!''
:(IMBECILE) ''FWOOSH-KLAK!!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Benson''': Mordecai, Rigby, get downstairs right now and clean up the mess you made, or I'm gonna fire....
:''[into the smarter world]''
:'''Rigby''': Dude, what is he saying?
:''[Benson, Pops and Skips are now ape-like neanderthals speaking nonsensical gibberish]''
:'''Mordecai''': Oh no! We've become so smart they're stupid to us!
:''[in the real world]''
:'''Mordecai''': Quarum hie vitio morionis!
:'''Rigby''': MORIONIS''!!?'' Moroionis vestros incipe et rem TOTAM''!!''
:'''Mordecai''': Et harum facere daberet ire stultum!
:'''Rigby''': If you haven't made fun of me so much, none of this would've happened.
:'''Mordecai''': Whatever. You can't even get your diploma, because we're so smart. So, what's the point?
:'''Rigby''': You're right. There is no point.
:'''Mordecai''': Huh?
:'''Rigby''': What's the point of being so smart, if you can't even under- (off-screen) -stand anyone? (on-screen) We have to get stupid again.
:'''Mordecai''': How?
:'''Rigby''': ...RigJuice.
:'''Mordecai''': The fridge! (Mordecai and Rigby float to the fridge.)
:(Scene then shows Muscle Man and High-Fives in a different way too while Muscle Man is eating.) (Rigby opened the fridge.)
:'''Rigby''': Ah ha! The RigJuice!
:'''Mordecai''': Pour me some.

:(Rigby pours the RigJuice to his cup which shows how the material is made out of.)

:'''Rigby''': Whoa... It looks... different now.
:'''Mordecai''': Ready?
:'''Rigby''': Wait. If I drink this, I'll never get my diploma.
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, it's just a piece of paper.
:'''Rigby''': I know that, but you'll never stop making fun of me for it.
:'''Mordecai''': I don't care. I won't make fun of you anymore. I promise. To being stupid?

:(Little silence appears)

:'''Rigby''': To being stupid. Bottoms up.

===''First Day'' [2.13a]===
:''[Mordecai opens a refrigerator]''
:'''Mordecai''': ...Milk... 
:''[Rigby opens a cupboard]'' 
:'''Rigby''': ...Cereal... 
:''[They are both at the table and they both pour the milk and cereal into a bowl]''
:'''Mordecai/Rigby''': ...Combine. 
:''[Rigby is about to eat the cereal with his face, but Mordecai stops him]''
:'''Mordecai''': ''[picks up a spoon]''  This is the only clean spoon left, dude, lets play &quot;punchies&quot; for it.
:'''Rigby''': Okay, me first. 
:''[Rigby punches Mordecai, but Rigby is shocked at how weak his punch was]'' 
:'''Mordecai''': ''[starts laughing, then punches Rigby harder]'' 
:'''Rigby''': ''[rubs his arm]'' Ow. Take it! 
:''[Rigby moves to the other side of the table as Mordecai laughs and starts eating his breakfast]'' 
:'''Mordecai''': ''[stops eating]'' Man, so far, this job is awesome! I still can't believe we have our own rooms! 
:'''Rigby''': Dude, those rooms aren't cool, there's nothing in them, I had to sleep on the floor last night! 
:''[Rigby starts pouring cereal into his mouth]''
:'''Mordecai''': Well, yeah. I mean, we can go and get stuff for it, once we've earned some money! Ya Know! 
:'''Rigby''': ''[seems full on cereal]'' Yeah, I guess. 
:'''Mordecai''': You want some milk? 
:'''Rigby''': Yeah. 
:''[Mordecai starts pouring milk into Rigby's mouth]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''(Everybody gets up; the park is ruined)''
:'''Mordecai''': Did you win?
:'''Rigby''': ''(coughs)''
:'''Mordecai''': I think you win.
:'''Rigby''': ''(sighs) '' It doesn't matter. I wasn't able to hold on to the chair anyways.
:'''Pops''': Look!
:''(half of the chair is still left)''
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': Aww, cool.
:'''Benson''': No you don't, you're not getting that chair. But here's what you ''do'' get: You get to flip that cart back over, you're throwing' that chair away, and then you're cleaning up this whole '''MESS!!''' Pops, you're comin' with me. And you two idiots, if this isn't cleaned up when I get back, &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; YOU'RE FIRED!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Benson walks into the house with Pops and Skips]''
:'''Mordecai''': Okay, starting now, let's both promise not to do anything to screw this up. Agreed?
:'''Rigby''': Agreed. Rock-paper-scissors for who gets to drive the cart?

===''Go Viral'' [2.13b]===
:'''Wedgie Ninja''': Help me.
:'''Mordecai''': What?
:'''Warden of the Internet''': What's your name?
:'''Pops''': Pops.
:'''Rigby''': It's Pops!
:'''Warden of the Internet''': Step over to your right, Pops.
:'''Pops''': Is this my passport photo for the interwebs?
:'''Warden of the Internet''': Sort of.
:'''Pops''': Ooh, I love photos. I am ready, madame.
:'''Warden of the Internet''': Say 'doomed for eternity.'
:'''Pops''': Doomed for eternity! Oh!
:'''Rigby''': No!

===''Skunked'' [2.14a]===
:'''Rigby''': What!? AHHH! What am I gonna do now!?
:'''Mordecai''': I dunno dude, but we gotta get that smell off you. It reeks.
:''[Rigby angrily ticks off; his pupils dilated, his body has grown larger and violently throttles Mordecai]''
:'''Rigby''': DON'T TELL ME ABOUT HOW I SMELL! I KNOW IT REEKS! YOU DON'T THINK I KNOW IT REEKS!?

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': Dude, Bingo!
:'''Mordecai''': Bingo?
:'''Rigby''': Bingo, bingo!
:'''Mordecai''': Bingo!
:'''Rigby''': Ohhhhh!
:'''Mordecai''': Woahhhhh!

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': '''YOU THINK YOU'RE SO SMART DON'T YOU!? &quot;OH LOOK AT ME, I'M SKIPS, I KNOW EVERYTHING BECAUSE I'M SO ''OLD!''&quot; LET ME TELL YA HOW TO FIX YOUR PROBLEMS IN A REALLY LAME WAY! WELL YA KNOW WHAT I THINK!?''' ''[angrily grabs Skips]'' YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHIN'! YOU DON'T KNOW ''NOTHIN!'' ''[drops him]''

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Teenager''': ''[coughs twice]'' Thank...You. ''[passes out, unconscious]''
:'''Mordecai''': He still counts as a skunk, right?
:'''Rigby''': ''Totally'' counts as a skunk.

===''Karaoke Video'' [2.14b]===
:'''Carrey O'Key''': I SAID NO! I can play that tape whenever I feel like it, and there's not a darn thing you can do about it. I don't want to see you punks back here again. You're &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt; '''BANNED. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=75%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Sorry, guys.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, sorry.
:'''Mordecai''': We didn't mean to ruin your good time.
:'''Benson''': No, no! I don't wanna hear it. Hey, I don't know what was on that tape or why those guys were after it, but I'm gonna get to the bottom of this. ''(Turns pink)'' &lt;span style=&quot;color:pink&quot;&gt; &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''You've ruined karaoke night.'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/span&gt;
:''(Benson and the gang donut-straight outta here, leaving them both Mordecai and Rigby behind)''
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah, uh– I know, that's why we tried to... apologize... to you. Man, karaoke sucks.

==External links==

{{wikipedia|Regular Show}}

[[Category:Regular Show seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>nq0nacjeyr3o8blqtkes3cqaz98giod</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Regular Show (season 3)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>187347</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147569</id>
      <parentid>3133679</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:51:57Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Timmy.swartley.8</username>
        <id>3126758</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Think Positive [3.7b] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="67264" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Seasons:''' [[Regular Show (season 1)|1]] [[Regular Show (season 2)|2]] [[Regular Show (season 3)|3]] [[Regular Show (season 4)|4]] [[Regular Show (season 5)|5]] [[Regular Show (season 6)|6]] [[Regular Show (season 7)|7]] [[Regular Show (season 8)|8]] | [[Regular Show: The Movie|Film]] | [[Regular Show|Main]]
----

The following is a list of quotes from the third season of ''[[Regular Show]]''.

===''Stick Hockey'' [3.1a]===
:'''Pops''': It seems the honorable thing to do is apologize. Oh look! ''[holds up a joker card with Benson on it]'' This one is you! ''[giggles]''
:'''Benson''': ''[sighs]'' Alright.
:'''Skips''': Hmph. ''[tosses a walkie talkie to Benson]''
:'''Benson''': Mordecai, Rigby, are you there? Pick up!
:'''Skips''': ''[reaches for walkie talkie]'' Let me try. Mordecai, Rigby. Are you there?
:'''Rigby''': ''(over walkie talkie)'' Hey Skips.
:'''Benson''': Tell them I want to talk to them! Tell them!
:'''Skips''': Where are you? ''[skips away]'' Where are you guys?
&lt;hr width=100%&gt;
:'''Benson''': This wouldn't have happened if you guys had done your job!
:'''Rigby''': No, no, no! You can't get mad this time! You messed up, not us!
:'''Benson''': Argh! Just LISTEN to me!

===''Bet To Be Blonde'' [3.1b]===
:'''Blonde''': [laughs] I'm just yanking your chain man, it's cool.
:'''Rigby''': Huh?
:'''Mordecai''': ''[laughs]'' OOOOOOOOHHHHH!
:'''Black Blonde''': ''[puts hand on Mordecai's shoulder]'' Uh. He's had enough.
:'''Rigby''': Hm.
&lt;hr width=100%&gt;

===''Skips Strikes'' [3.2a]===
:'''Benson''': Man, Skips is on fire tonight. Another perfect game.
:'''Mordecai''': We're going to the championship baby!
:'''Man''': You guys wouldn't be so great if it wasn't for Skips.
:'''Mordecai''': Well, we can't help that he's just plain awesome, right, Skips?
:'''Skips''': Hey, that's just how I roll.
:'''Mordecai, Rigby and Benson''': OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH!
:'''Benson''': There she is guys. Isn't she a beaute?
:'''Rigby''': I want that beaute. 
:'''Benson''': So who are we up against?
:'''Mordecai''': Some team called the Magical Elements.
:'''Rigby''': The Magical Elements. Hm, hm, more like the Magical loserments.
:'''Death''': What did you say about us?
&lt;hr width=100%&gt;

===''Terror Tales of the Park'' [3.2b]===
:''[Mordecai drives to the Halloween Wizard's house; walks to the door; bangs handle against the door]'' 
:'''Mordecai''': Hello? Look, I don't know what you're doing to my friend, but please, just stop! He's sorry for egging your house, okay? So, are we cool? ''[Mordecai walks to the window; peeks into it; a cat pops up, scaring Mordecai, Mordecai pants]''
:'''Skips''': ''[on the walkie talkie]'' Mordecai. ''[Mordecai gasps]'' Mordecai, come in.
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah, yeah, what's up, Skips?
:'''Skips''': ''[on the walkie talkie]'' You gotta get back to the house, quick.
:'''Mordecai''': Sure, be right there. 
:''[Mordecai runs to the cart; The Halloween Wizard grabs his cat out of his window]''

&lt;hr width=100%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Did you guys see that?!
:'''Skips''': This is not good.
:'''Benson''': What are we gonna do then?!
:'''Rigby''': Guys...?
:'''Mordecai''': What, what is it?
:''[A loud knock is heard at the door, someone quietly opens it and a skinless Muscle Man is shown to be the knocker]''
:'''Muscle Man''': I told you I was ripped. ''[falls foward and dies]''
:'''Skips/Mordecai/Hi Five Ghost''': &lt;big&gt;'''AHHH!'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[telephone rings]'' &lt;big&gt;'''AHHH!'''&lt;/big&gt; 
:''[Hi Five Ghost runs to answer it]''
:'''Skips''': ''[last words]'' No, Fives, WAIT!
:'''Hi Five Ghost''': ''[answers phone]'' Hello?
:'''Halloween Wizard''': Goodbye! ''[sucks Hi Five Ghost into the phone and squirts him out as a liquid all over Skips and Mordecai, as Benson vomits his gumballs]''
:'''Hi Five Ghost''': ''[last words]'' Worst phone call ever.
:''[Mordecai and Skips are covered in liquid and Mordecai is pushed against the bookshelf by the Halloween Wizard and is knock unconscious. Benson and Pops scream in terror and hide in rooms while Skips tries punching the Halloween Wizard but the Halloween Wizard trips him]''
:'''Halloween Wizard''': If you can't handle the heat, get out of the kitchen! 
:''[Halloween Wizard throws Skips into the chimney, and fire goes up the chimney and burns Skips as fire goes to the top of the house and Rigby screams, Halloween Wizard runs into the bathroom, opens the shower curtain, and sees Benson]''
:'''Halloween Wizard''': What's up, gumball? 
:''[Benson screams. Him and his nun chucks are flushed down the toilet, causing his gumballs to rise]''
:'''Pops''': ''[in bedroom]'' Show yourself. Bad show, very bad show! ''[door opens]'' AHHH! 
:''[Pops fires sling-shot, but it hits the wall, Pops gets thrown into a closet and disappears]''
:'''Rigby''': What's happening? Hello, is anybody there? Can anyone hear me?
:'''Mordecai''': ''[wakes up]'' Rigby?
:'''Rigby''': Mordecai!
:'''Mordecai''': Don't worry, Rigby, I'm here. I won't anything happen to you.
:''[An invisible force comes and chops Mordecai's head off and his head falls to the ground]''
:'''Mordecai''': ''[last words]'' Huh, so this is what it feels like to be as tall as Rigby.
:''[Mordecai gags and dies]''
:'''Rigby''': Mordecai, Mordecai? I'm sorry, ok? I shouldn't have egged your house; do you hear me?! I'm sorry.
:''[The Halloween Wizard goes to Rigby and laughs]''
:'''Halloween Wizard''': I told you you'd pay.
:'''Rigby''': Well then, what are you waiting for? Do it, do it already!
:''[The wizard uncovers a case and laughs while Rigby screams and eggs are thrown at him]''
:'''Rigby''': Huh, what?!
:'''Halloween Wizard''': How do you like it?
:'''Rigby''':  What?! You turned me into a house and killed all of my friends just to throw eggs at me? &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''THAT'S IT?!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Halloween Wizard''': Yep, that's it.
:''[Points up; zooms out to reveal a big egg coming down on Rigby, then Rigby screams as the egg collapses and he melts]''

===''Camping Can Be Cool'' [3.3a]===
:'''Margaret''': Hey, guys. Do you need any more-?
:'''Rigby''': SSHHHHH! This is it.
:'''TV''': Your weekend weather forecast. Hope you have your sunglasses ready. 

&lt;hr width=100%&gt;
:'''Rigby''': You probably shouldn't go, Margaret. I bet your boyfriend won't like you going out on a camping trip with you dudes.
:'''Margaret''': Ugh, what boyfriend? Not see anyone right now. Guys are jerks.
:'''Mordecai''': Gah, I know, right? Guys are the worst.
&lt;hr width=100%&gt;

===''Slam Dunk'' [3.3b]===
:'''Muscle Man''': Yeah, baby. Go ahead. You can't make it from there. Oh! Oh! Brick!
:'''Mordecai''': Ugh!
:'''Muscle Man''': Oh, snap. Hey, Mordecai, you're looking a little confused. Did you know that we only need one more point to win?
:'''Mordecai''':Huh

===''Cool Bikes'' [3.4a]===
:'''Benson''': When are you guys going to get it through your heads? Nothing you say or do will ever make me admit you're cool!
:'''Mordecai''': You know what, Benson? I just realized something. ''We don't care what you think.'' 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Benson''': Mordecai and Rigby are the coolest guys I know.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': If we can get you to admit that we're cool, then you have to give us the cart back.
:'''Benson''': Sounds good to me 'cause it'll ''never'' happen.
:'''Rigby''': You're wrong! You're all like &quot;that'll never happen&quot;, and then we'll get all cool and you'll be all like &quot;whoa&quot; and then we'll be all like &quot;in your face!&quot;
:'''Benson''': Haha, and I'll be all like '''''&quot;GET BACK TO WORK!!!&quot;'''''

===''House Rules'' [3.4b]===
:'''Benson''': Hey, guys. Listen, when you've got a minute, I need you to take a look at these.
:'''Mordecai''': Sure, Benson. ''[hands over &quot;Benson's House Rules&quot; book]'' Oh, the house rules? Thanks, but we already have these.
:'''Benson''': Uh, no, you don't. Cos I've added a few new ones in there and I'm gonna need you to sign off on them, okay? ''[leaves]''
:'''Rigby''': Aw, man, more rules?! He's gotta be joking!
:'''Mordecai''': Alright, let's see. &quot;Rule #114: No feet on the table.&quot; ''[Mordecai and Rigby's feet are on the table, then they take them off, moaning]'' &quot;Rule #115: No food on the table.&quot; ''[food is seen on the table, so they knock it all off]''
:'''Rigby''': Fine!
:'''Mordecai''': &quot;Rule #116: No food on the floor.&quot;
:'''Rigby''': WHAT?! That's going WAY too far!! ''[growls while straining himself to lift the table]'' Come on, man! Help me flip the table!
:'''Mordecai''': No, dude, just chill out. There's only one more new rule left.
:'''Rigby''': What is it?
:''[Mordecai flips the page that says &quot;Rule #117: No video games.&quot;, then, a shocked look comes to his face as the camera zooms in. Cut into Benson's office]''
:'''Mordecai''': No video games!?!
:'''Rigby''': Are you nuts?!
:'''Benson''': &quot;Rule #47: No yelling!&quot;
:'''Rigby''': You can't take video games away from us, man! What're we supposed to do?!
:'''Benson''': Work. You're supposed to work.
:'''Mordecai''': You know what? We're sick of all your rules! &quot;No prank calls, no rock-paper-scissors, no punchies — no unicorns&quot;? What does that even mean?!
:'''Rigby''': These rules are all totally random, Benson, and they're all aimed at us!
:'''Benson''': That's not true. &quot;Number 68: no harpsichord playing after 10 pm.&quot;
:'''Rigby''': ''[to Mordecai]'' I actually kinda like that one.
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah, but that's the only good one in there. The rest of them are terrible!
:'''Benson''': Look, I'm doing you a favor. Life without rules is chaos.
:'''Mordecai''': Fine, but we're only signing off on the rules we like.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, like the harpsichord one!
:'''Benson''': It doesn't work that way! If you can't agree to live by all the house rules, '''THEN YOU ''CAN'T'' LIVE IN THIS ''HOUSE''!!!'''
:'''Mordecai''': Well then, we won't live in this house!
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, cos your rules are ''wack!''
:'''Mordecai''': We'll show you. We're not gonna live with any rules at all.
&lt;hr width=100%&gt; 
:'''Benson''': Well, well, well. Wasn't so easy living without rules, was it? [opens book] Wait a minute. One of these rules is missing.  
:'''Rigby''': Oh, no. Which one?  
:'''Benson''': I don't know, there's over a hundred of these things!  
:'''Mordecai''': Well, then, how do you know it's missing?  
:'''Benson''': [outraged] '''''BECAUSE SOMEBODY RIPPED IT OUT!!!''''' 
'''Mordecai''': That's crazy. I wonder which one it is.  
[cut to the No Rules World. The No Rules Man is playing Karate Choppers, all by himself]  
:'''No Rules Man''': Hmph. Hmph. I don't need those guys, I can play video games by myself. [The ripped page falls onto his lap. It is Rule #117: No Video Games] '''NOOOOOOOOOO!!!'''

===''Rap It Up'' [3.5a]===
:'''Big Trouble''': Nah, I got y'all fools this time, hit it! ''(V-Tron turns on the radio)'' ''(Rapping)'' You all better watch out, cause Big Trouble's on the mic now, i'll knock all o' your lights out, with my verse, y'all be cursed , blowing up like fireworks. powwwwwwwww!
:'''Alpha-Dog''':...that's it? Blitz Comet, show this fool how we do.
:'''Blitz Comet''': ''(Rapping)'' Blitz Comet on the scene. You step to me and you gonna get creamed-corn! All up in your teeth, you reek, you're the opposite of chic, ya freak! Your rhymes are all antiques. Nobody wants em, they throw em all away. Right from the get go like your brain is on delay. Matter of fact, yo, you better get a check up. Go ask your doctor, why you be so ugly from the neck UP?
&lt;hr width=100%&gt;

===''Crusin'' [3.5b]===
:'''Margaret''': Guys. You're kidding, right?
:'''Mordecai''': Are you saying you wouldn't give us your number if we pulled up in some cool wheels?
:'''Margaret''': You dorks would never be able to get a girl's number cruising.
:'''Mordecai''': Oh yeah?
&lt;hr width=100%&gt;

===''Under the Hood'' [3.6a]===
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': Benson!
:'''Mordecai''': We know who did the graffiti!
:'''Benson''': What? Who?
:''[scene cuts to Muscle Man, High Five Ghost, Mordecai, Rigby, and Benson outside the bathroom]''
:'''Muscle Man''': It's buffalo sauce, smell it!
:'''Benson''': I'm not going to smell your fingers, Muscle Man. Just tell me the truth and I'll take your word for it.
:'''Muscle Man''': I am telling you to truth! Benson, I can't believe you are listening to these clowns-- ''[a can of spray-paint falls out of pocket)''
:'''Rigby''': Look, it's SPRAY-PAINT!
:'''Benson''': Chicken wings, huh?
:'''Muscle Man''': Uh... Um... That's not mine!
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah, right! It was in your pocket!
:'''Muscle Man''': Uh... okay, all right! I was spray-painting, okay? But, but--
:'''Benson''': But what?
:'''Muscle Man''': But I didn't do the graffiti! I was painting Hi Five Ghost's ride orange!
:'''Hi Five Ghost''': Really?
:'''Benson''': Then why did you lie about the paint?
:'''Muscle Man''': Because it was supposed to be a surprise. Til you guys ruined it.
:'''Rigby''': He's lying!
:'''Muscle Man''': No, I'm not!
:'''Benson''': I'm sorry, Muscle Man. But I'm going to have to ask you to turn in your keys.
:'''Muscle Man''': What?
:'''Benson''': You heard me.
:'''Muscle Man''': Are you firing me, bro?!
:'''Benson''': Give me your keys.
:'''Hi Five Ghost''': If he goes, I go, too.
:'''Benson''': Okay, see ya.
:'''Hi Five Ghost''': Aww...
:'''Muscle Man''': That was really cool, bro. You want my keys, Benson? Fine! ''[He throws his keys on the ground at Benson's feet]'' But we were gonna quit this job anyways to follow our real dreams. And we're not coming back, no matter how much you beg! Come on, Fives. ''[they walk away]''

===''Weekend at Benson's'' [3.6b]===
:'''Rigby''': Dude, Benson! What's the rush? It's not like you have somewhere to be.
:'''Benson''': Yeah, actually, I do! I do have a life outside of work, you know.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, right. Where are you gonna go, Benson?
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah, where are you gonna go, dude?
:'''Benson''': &lt;b&gt;JUST HOLD THE LADDER!&lt;/b&gt;
:'''Rigby''': Come on, man! Spill it. Where are you going to go?
:''[Mordecai and Rigby let go of the ladder]''
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, Rigby! Leave him alone! Can't you tell you're annoying him?
&lt;hr width=100%&gt;
:'''Benson''': ''[gets up]'' That's it... I've had it with you two. I can't even knock out without you ruining my social life and getting me into stupid food challenges.
:'''Rigby''': But Benson, we won! ''[grumble]'' ...Didn't we?
:'''Benson''': Won? I would've never gotten into this mess if you two weren't just messing around. You two are ''fired''! No more chances, just get outta here.
:'''Mordecai''': ''[gasps]'' Benson, look!
:'''Benson''': What? ''[he pulls off paper attached to him, reading &quot;CALL ME, 555-0155. ♥ AUDREY&quot;]''
:'''Mordecai''': What does it say?
:'''Rigby''': Yeah man, what does it say?
:'''Benson''': Ah... Get back to work.
Benson: That’s it. you guys are so unbelievably fi-
          Everyone: Benson!
&lt;hr width=100%&gt;

===''Fortune Cookie'' [3.7a]===
:'''Benson''': I'm glad you could all join me for brunch today.
:'''Pops''': What's the occasion?
:'''Benson''': Do you even have to ask, Pops? It's to celebrate my amazing streak of good luck.
:'''Pops''': Good luck?
:'''Benson''': Yeah, don't you remember last night?
:''(Scene shows flasback of Benson beating Rigby at cards)''
:'''Rigby''': Augh! You only beat me last night because of my bad luck.
:'''Benson''': No Rigby, I only beat you because of my good luck, and it's that luck that makes me trust that we're all going to love this restaurant that none of us have never even been to.
:'''Everyone''': Yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mordecai''': Skips, have you seen Benson?
:'''Skips''': He's playing cards in my garage. He's convinced he can turn his luck around.
:'''Mordecai''': No, he can't. It's not even his luck! We have to stop him. ''[Benson enters]'' Benson, I got to tell you something.
:'''Benson''': Not right now, Mordecai. I'm right in the middle of a hand.
:'''Mordecai''': No, Benson! Listen, you shouldn't be playing cards right now!
:'''Benson''': Okay, so I've had a bad stretch lately. So my wallet and credit cards got stolen. So accounting lost my paycheck. So I can't afford to pay my rent or feed myself. But cards are where I'm luckiest! Cards are my girl! She's never let me down before and she won't do it this time.
:'''Skips''': Well, you gotta stop playing now because you got nothing left to wager with!
:'''Benson''': ..Actually, Skips, there is one more thing.
:''[Benson walks back into Skips' garage and walks back into the room again]''
:'''Benson''': I just lost the park to the guy in the fanny pack.

===''Think Positive'' [3.7b] ===
:'''Pops''': (laughing)
:(The butterfly lands on a bush. When Pops is about to catch a butterfly, when...)
:'''Benson''': C’mon, You know that's not the way you're supposed to do it.
:'''Mordecai''': Well, this way is totally faster.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, cuts the time in half.
:'''Benson''': Well, you're actually CUTTING IT IN HALF, you idiots! Oh, and great. You manage to break the saw in the process. Now, we're gonna have to buy a new one!
:(Pops is drawing the rose on his notebook.)
:'''Benson''': What are you guys doing?! Soda?! You can't use soda!
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah, but the hose--
:'''Benson''': Oh, what, it's too hard to get the hose off the shed?! UNBELIEVABLE!
:'''Rigby''': Well, at least it's diet. Nobody drinks that.
:'''Benson''': I drink diet. Not ''Only'' Did You Guys ''Ruin the hose...''
:'''Pops''': (angrily scribbles his drawing, grunts, and storms away in anger and frustration)
:'''Pops''': Okay, men, this is the hour of prominence. On my signal, charge! Wooooahhh--- (interrupted by an angry Benson as he lays back, irritated)
:'''Benson''': (OFFSCREEN AND OUTRAGED) YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! Give me that. What is this, SANDPAPER?! (Looks at golf cart) You're scratching up the whole thing!
:'''Pops''': Benson, would you come see me for a moment, please?
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': Oooooh, somebody's busted.
:'''Benson''': Oh, grow up.
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': (RAPPING) B-b-busted. Benson's b-b-busted!
:'''Benson''': (SIGHS) What is it, Pops? I'm in the middle of something.
:'''Pops''': Have a seat. ''[Benson sits down, sighs]'' Do you know why I called you in here?
:'''Benson''': Did you lose the colonel again? Try under your hat. 
:''[Pops lifts his hat with the colonel inside, then puts his toy army men in the drawer]''
:'''Pops''': It's a problem concerning Mordecai and Rigby.
:'''Benson''': What else is new? Don't worry, Pops, I'll take care of it.
:'''Pops''': Then we understand each other?
:'''Benson''': Absolutely. I've already warned them one more screwup and they're both fired.
:'''Pops''': But... Benson, I was referring to you.
:'''Benson''': What?
:'''Pops''': I'd like you to stop yelling at Mordecai and Rigby.
:'''Benson''': ''[scoff]'' You're kidding.
:'''Pops''': Quite the opposite. It's too negative and bad for {{w|morale}}.
:'''Benson''': What morale? Those slackers never do anything unless you yell at them.
:'''Pops''': There's never a reason to yell at anyone. 
:'''Benson''': They give me a million reasons every day! Ptch, you just want me to be nice to them? 
:'''Pops''': You don't have to be nice, just don't yell.
:'''Benson''': ''[groans]'' Listen, Pops, I appreciate the concern, but I know how to do my job.
:'''Pops''': Benson, I think it's clear that my dad puts me in charge of running the park when he's not around, right?
:'''Benson''': Yes, but—
:'''Pops''': And that means you must do what I say?
:'''Benson''': Technically, but I—
:'''Pops''': And I am ordering you to stop yelling at Mordecai and Rigby.
:'''Benson''': ''Pops''!!
:'''Pops''': Understood?
:'''Benson''': ''[beat]'' Understood.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Cuts to outside]''
:'''Rigby''': So, what did Pops want?
:'''Benson''': Noth-- ''[quick zoom out]'' You guys are STILL NOT-- ''[realizes he's angrily yelling, so he talks through his furious teeth]''—guys are still not done?
:'''Mordecai''': What? You told us to take it nice and easy.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, I get it now. It takes time to do things right.
:'''Mordecai''': You rush, you make mistakes.
:'''Benson''': ''[angrily facepalms] ''That's not the point I was trying to make.
:'''Mordecai''': And then we started thinking—why clean something anyways? Dirt is a natural thing. It's like part of life you know? ''[Benson turns red and sizzles]''
:'''Rigby''': Yeah and like, what is a hose? Hose...
:'''Mordecai''': Hose...
:'''Rigby''': Hose?...
:'''Mordecai''': Hose... ''[Benson growls, still red]''
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, exactly. But when you turn it on... ''[accidentally sprays water on Benson which pisses him off] ...''Sorry.
:'''Benson''': ''(yells angrily kick Mordecai and Rigby out of his sight)'' '''''GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!!!''''' ''(Mordecai and Rigby run away)''
:'''Pops''': Benson, what did we just discuss?
:'''Benson''': Yeah, but, come on, Pops. They were totally--
:'''Pops''': Benson, I'm serious about this issue. Now if you yell at them again, I'm going to have to write you up.
:'''Benson''': ''[furiously rubs face and angrily growls]'' Okay, okay. I'll try to get it under control Pops.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''(Clock transition to computer room. Benson is on the computer searching &quot;Free anger management tips&quot;)''
:'''Benson''': Recite a personal mantra. Omm? What does that even mean? Next. ''(searches again)''
:'''Fitch''': Oh, hello friend! I'm Fitch Munderson. ''(A dog runs up to him)'' And this is Kimmy.
:'''Benson''': Okay, where's this going? ''(fast-forwards the video)''
:'''Fitch''': We have a sure-fire way to help you control your anger, for only sixty dollars.
:'''Benson''': Nope. ''(searches again while the screen is loading, then clicks several times while the screen is still loading)'' Ugh, come on! Close! ''(angrily growls)'' Omm. Omm. Omm. Omm. Omm. Omm. ''(sighs)'' Huh. I guess it works.
:''(Cut to downstairs. The whole place has been torn apart. Mordecai and Rigby are seen searching for something)''
:'''Mordecai''': Hey, Benson. Have you seen the keys to the cart?
:'''Benson''': Omm. Omm. Omm. Omm. Omm. Omm. Omm.
:'''Rigby''': We can't find them anywhere. ''(Breaks vase)'' Uh-oh.
:''(From the window, two people are seen driving the cart)''
:'''Mordecai''': Never mind. I think I know where they are.
:'''Benson''': (growling)
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': Aah! ''(Run away)''
:'''Pops''': Benson! I warned you.'' (Writes on clipboard angrily)''
:'''Benson''': Pops, you're writing me up?
:'''Pops''': You know what happens next, don't you? ''(angrily hands Benson the paper)''
:'''Benson''': Of course. Verbal warning, write up, fired. But you wouldn't fire me, Pops.
:'''Pops''': I'll do what I must.
:'''Benson''': What?! Pops, you can't take this job away from me! It's all I have!
:'''Pops''': I'm sorry, Benson. If you yell at Mordecai and Rigby again, I'll be forced to fire you.
:''(Pops leaves. Benson furiously turns red and angrily begins to jump several times while grunting)''
:'''Skips''': Jeez, Benson, try counting to 10. ''(Benson furiously turns around and angrily grunts) ''Better make it 100.'' (leaves)''
:'''Benson''': One, two... ''(Cuts to outside) ''...seven, eight, nine... ''(Cuts to near the shed) ''...75, 76, 77... (''Stops and sees Mordecai and Rigby covered in pink paint laughing)''
:'''Mordecai''': Oh, hey, Benson! What's up? We're finally painting the shed. ''(Rigby throws himself on the wall, followed by Mordecai, who crashes through the wall)''
:'''Benson''': ''(furiously turns red and angrily growls)'' ''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; 78, 79, 80, 81...''
:'''Rigby''': Dude, what's he doing?
:'''Benson''': ''(continues counting)'' ''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; 82, 83, 84, 85, 86, 87....''
:'''Mordecai''': I dunno. But what do you think he'll do when he gets to a hundred?
:'''Mordecai, Rigby, and Benson''': ...88, 89, 90, 91... ''(Benson stops and angrily growls, put his hands and his face and then furiously storms off while panting, still red)'' 
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': ...92, 93, 94, 95, 96, 97, 98, 99... 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''(Cut to Benson walking into Corners bookstore. Benson puts the Fitch &amp; Kimmy book on the table, leaving a firey handprint. The cashier checks the book, then, Benson storms out as the scene cuts to Benson's apartment, room 1635. Benson inserts the tape into the Walkman and rests)''
:'''Fitch''': ''(Over Walkman)'' The key to managing your anger is control. For example: One should never yell, even if it's to pass the salt.
:''(Zoom into Benson's eyes. He has a flashback to when he was a child, and his family was all talking loudly at the dinner table)''
:'''Young Benson''': Pass the salt, please.
:'''Benson's Father''': Quiet, Benson has something he wants to say.
:'''Young Benson''': ''(embarrassed and blushing) Ahem, ''Um, pass--
:'''Benson's Father''': Look here, son! You're never going to get anything in this life if you don't yell for it.
:'''Young Benson''': Pass.... '''{{'}}PASS THE SALT!{{'}}''' 
:'''Benson's Dad''': Atta boy!
:''(Benson's dad passes the saltshaker to Benson. Suddenly, an earthquake occurs, showing a giant angry Pops ripping off the roof)''
:'''Pops''': Benson, YOU'RE FIRED! ''(Points at Young Benson)''
:'''Young Benson''': '''''NO-O-O-O!''''' ''(Ripple transition back into Benson in his apartment. He furiously steps on and angrily throws the Walkman, breaking a portait. He then violently jumps and ragefully kicks the TV, and we cut to outside, still hearing Benson lividly grunting. An easy chair is thrown out and breaks a window and ends up destroyed. Benson looks at himself in the mirror. He's red again)'' 
:'''Benson''': '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; Keep it together, Benson.''' ''(Looks at the mirror. Benson's eyes are super stressed and menacing)''''' '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; You still got a whole day of work left.'''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''(Cut back to the park where Benson is angrily walking and leaving fiery footprints in the ground)''
:'''Guy''': Hey buddy, are you ok?
:'''Benson''': '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; ''(furiously knocks him out of the way)'' I'm fine fine! (Benson is still red and is heating up)'''
:''(Mordecai and Rigby drive fast past Benson in the golf cart. Mordecai is driving blindfolded)''
:'''Rigby''': Almost the record, almost the record! ''(They crash into a tree and fall to the grass)'' Not quite the record.
:''(Mordecai and Rigby come up to Benson, who is already heated with rage.)''
:'''Mordecai''': Benson uh look, we're sorry man--
:'''Benson''':'''''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; No...'''''
:'''Rigby''': ''(Worried) ''Aw man, here it comes.
:'''Benson''': '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; I'm not gonna yell.'''
:'''Mordecai''': Aw, yeah-yuh!
:'''Rigby''': Sweet.
:'''Benson''':'''&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt; I'm not... going to... yell.'''
:''(Zoom into Benson's glass. His gumballs turn a bright orange, then, four gumballs go up in the air, catching on fire, then the rest catch on fire, and the four gumballs spin in a circle. Sparks then appear on Benson's body as he gets more and more enraged but tries not to yell)''
:'''Mordecai''': Whoa Benson, are you o-- ''(Benson turns into a fireball, burning all ground around him and sucking in loose objects. He then hovers into the air) ''What the?
:''(The ground below crumbles, as Mordecai and Rigby back away. The golf cart flies toward Benson and is destroyed. Skips and Pops come in another golf cart)''
:'''Skips:''' What happened?!
:'''Mordecai''': I don't know! Benson saw us crash the cart, and instead of laying into us, he said he wasn't gonna yell!
:'''Rigby''': And then he turned into that.
:'''Skips''': He's holding all of his anger in.
:'''Mordecai''': Why would he do that?!
:'''Pops''': Because of me!
:'''Mordecai, Rigby, and Skips''': What?!
:'''Pops''': I told him that if he didn't stop yelling at you two, I would fire him.
:'''Skips''': Pops, you can't do that.
:'''Pops''': But I ''am'' technically his boss.
:'''Skips''': Pops, you can't make him bottled up his anger like that. ''(Turns to Mordecai and Rigby)'' You gotta get him to yell at you guys.
:'''Mordecai''': Not a problem. Hey, Benson! you're a sorry excuse for a manager!
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, you nasal-voiced, loser-loner!
:'''Mordecai''': Go back to nice school and learn how to have a personality!
:'''Rigby''': And guess what?! We're the ones who keep sending pizzas to your apartment.
:'''Mordecai''': And we're the ones who switched the detergent with coffee. ''(Fireball of anger gets bigger as Rigby jumps into Mordecai's arms) ''Dude! It's just making it worse! Pops, you have to tell Benson it's okay to yell at us!
:'''Pops''': I can't, there's ''never'' a reason to yell at people!
:'''Mordecai''': Pops! Look around! The park is disintegrating, and Benson's gonna ''explode!!'' ''(Muscle Man flies by in his trailer, screaming) ''Pops! Do something!
:'''Pops''': Benson, I need you to yell at Mordecai and Rigby!
:'''Benson''': [anger tone] '''&lt;span style=&quot;color:orange&quot;&gt; But if I yell, you'll fire me.'''
:'''Pops''': [angry] Forget what I said, Benson!! If you don't yell at Mordecai and Rigby right now, you're fired!
:'''Benson''': ''(Opens his menacing eyes angrily and screams ragefully as he violently unleashes a fiery beam it breaks through the fireball and it strikes Mordecai and Rigby but due to it's sudden power, Skips and Pops were blown away)'' (screaming angrily) &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''{{'}}'''&lt;span style=&quot;color:orange&quot;&gt;AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You lazy no-good slackers drive me nuts! Can't you just listen to me once in your worthless lives?!! Cause if you did, you'd see I'm trying to teach you some simple responsibility, some pride in doing a job well done!!'''{{'}} ''(His voice breaks a little)'' '''{{'}}But you wouldn't know a job well done if you paid someone to do it for you,'''{{'}} ''(Tears Are streaming and blowing off his face)'' '''{{'}}And even then, you'd screw it all up on the account that you can't even follow the simplest of the instructions, worrying more about looking cool than doing your job!!!{{'}}'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:''(He explodes tremendously. Pan down to the damage done) (Pops and Skips get up. Benson gets up, as well, limping while doing so.)''
:'''Pops''': Benson! Benson, are you alright?
:'''Benson''': Yeah, I'm fine. ''(Feels remorse)'' Sorry things got so out of control, Pops.
:'''Pops''': It was my mistake. From now on, I'll leave the park managing to the park manager. ''(Shakes hands with his brother)'' Though, I do wish you wouldn't yell at Mordecai and Rigby so much.
:'''Benson''': ''(Happy again)'' Let me give it a shot. (The three look down at the duo) Hey, Mordecai and Rigby. ''(Mordecai coughs)'' Clean this mess up, or you're fired. ''(He, Pops and Skips all laugh. A high-pitched noise is heard, and the laughter is drowned out, due to Mordecai and Rigby being deafened by Benson's yelling)''
:'''Mordecai''': What? ''(turns head to Rigby)'' What are they laughing at?
:'''Rigby''': What?!

===''Skips Vs. Technology'' [3.8a]===
:''[Skips shuts off the computer, turns it on to find more malware in the computer; the printer explodes with all its paper shooting up the ceiling. Mordecai and Rigby enter]''
:'''Mordecai''': Skips! What are you doing?!
:'''Skips''': I was just trying to fix your Error 219!
:'''Rigby''': ''[gets to computer]'' Eugh... But it's not a 219 anymore!
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah, while you were gone, we messed it up and now it's an Error 220!
:'''Rigby''': Ah, dude, it's even worse now!
:'''Mordecai''': Look, Skips, it's fine. We called someone to come fix it.
:'''Skips''': You what?! Look, guys, I can do this. I just need more time. When is this guy supposed to get here?
:'''Mordecai''': In an hour.
:'''Skips''': Okay, look, I can take care of this. If he gets here before me, stall him.
:'''Mordecai''': Why?
:'''Skips''': '''JUST DO IT'''!!
:'''Rigby''': Jeez!!
:'''Mordecai''': Okay, okay! ''[Skips leaves]''
:'''Rigby''': Man, what's Skips's problem?
:'''Mordecai''': I don't know. I think he needs to realize that there's some things he just can't fix.

===''Butt Dial'' [3.8b]===
:'''Mordecai''': Man last night was the best. The best.
:'''Rigby''': ''(while tapping on the keys of Mordecai's phone)'' Yeah it was pretty fun.
:'''Mordecai''': I mean, Margaret and Eileen over for &quot;Game Night,&quot; and nothing went wrong. No space portals, no video demons, nobody got hurt.
:'''Rigby''': Except for Eileen and I whipping your butts.
:'''Mordecai''': Whatever, I had fun. Dude come on help out. Benson's not going to let us have people over anymore if we leave this place a mess. And put down my new phone before you break it.
:'''Rigby''': Ok, just a sec. I am making you a new custom wallpaper.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Margaret''': Uh, yes? Who is this?
:'''Answering Machine''': We intercepted two frauds trying to access your voicemail without your permission.
:'''Spool of Thread''': The one who claims to have a complicated relationship with you.
:'''Mordecai''': Don't listen to them, Margaret!
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, these guys are crazy!
:'''Margaret''': Mordecai? Rigby? Wait, you guys tried to hack into my phone?!
:'''Mordecai''': It was an accident! We didn't know it was you're phone!
:'''Margaret''': Yeah, right!
:'''Mordecai''': Well, we didn't know, but...
:'''Margaret''': But what? I can't believe you would do something like that! I totally misjudge you!
:'''Rigby''': Dude, just come clean already.
:'''Mordecai''': ''(grunts)'' Okay, look. So I sat on my phone, and accidentally...
:'''Rigby''': He called you with his butt!
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah. So I accidentally left you a voicemail with me singing this dumb song. ''(Mordecai scratching his neck)'' It's really embarrassing. So we tried to erase it before you heard it.
:'''Margaret''': You what? I want to hear the message!
:'''Mordecai''': Wait! Margaret, please!
:'''Margaret''': No, I want to hear it.
:'''Answering Machine''': Play the message!
&lt;hr width=100%&gt;

===''Eggscellent'' [3.9a]===
:'''Waiter''': Have you decided?
:'''Mordecai''': Uhh, I'll take the Eggs Benedict, a-and uh... orange juice.
:'''Rigby''': And I'll have the Eggscellent Challenge.
:'''Waiter''': Oh... I wouldn't recommend the Eggscellent Challenge, it's more of a promotional item.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, and it's the only reason we're here, so...
:'''Waiter''': Sir, i-it's really just—
:'''Rigby''': Okay, hold on, hold on. I'm confused. I'm the customer, right?
:'''Waiter''': Well, yes.
:'''Rigby''': What does that sign say over there?
:'''Waiter''': Uhh... &quot;The customer is always right.&quot;
:'''Rigby''': And what am ''I''?
:'''Waiter''': The customer.
:'''Rigby''': And the sign?
:'''Waiter''': Sir, please!
:'''Rigby''': SAY IT!!
:'''Waiter''': &quot;The customer is always right.&quot;
:'''Rigby''': Hm-hm. Hm!
:'''Waiter''': What would you like, sir?
:'''Rigby''': Bring me the omelette.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Benson''': Well, I hope you've learned something from all this.
:'''Mordecai''': What?
:'''Benson''': Maybe if you'd been working like you were supposed to, none of this would've happened.
:'''Mordecai''': [Enraged] '''HUH'''!! ''[angrily punches Benson in the face]'' (''THWACK!!'')
:''[Skips and Muscle Man hold Mordecai away from Benson, Fives and Pops doing the same with Benson]''
:'''Benson''': Mordecai, what are you doing?!
:'''Mordecai''': ''[Furious]'' '' '''WHAT’S YOUR PROBLEM?! THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WORK! HE JUST WANTED A HAT!''' ''

:'''Benson''': And look where it got him! ''[angrily points at Rigby]'' Your friend over there is only gonna get you into trouble!
:'''Mordecai''': Huh! Yeah, right! Take advice from Benson about friends since you've got ''so'' many of 'em.
:'''Benson''': I have friends.
:'''Mordecai''': No, you don't. Everyone only hangs out with you because you're our boss! Rigby only wanted to try and win a hat. He doesn't deserve to be in a coma because of it. ''[angrily storms off]''
:'''Benson''': Where are you going?
:'''Mordecai''': Back to the restaurant.
:'''Benson''': Why?!
:'''Mordecai''': Because I made a promise to Rigby and I'm gonna keep it. That's what friends do for each other.
:''[he furiously exits and angrily slams the ward door behind him. The group stays silent for a beat]''
:'''Muscle Man''': Awkward...

===''Gut Model'' [3.9b]===
:'''Muscle Man''': Good, you're all here. As you probably already know, today marks 5 years I've worked at the park. So in honor of me, we're eating at Fry it Up at 8:00!
:'''Mordecai''': Oh, no can do, Muscle Man.
:'''Muscle Man''': What? Why not?
:'''Rigby''': We already made plans with Margaret and Eileen.
:'''Muscle Man''': Pssh, your loss, bros. While you're striking out with some chicks, we'll be scoring some wings! And some chicks! Am I right, Skips?
:'''Skips''': Sorry, I can't either. I'm bowling with Pops and Benson.
:'''Pops''': Lawn bowling!
:'''Muscle Man''': Ugh! Well, it looks like it's just me and you tonight, Fives.
:'''Hi Five Ghost''': Oh.
:'''Muscle Man''': What?
:'''Hi Five Ghost''': Low-Five is graduating from the police academy tonight! He's my brother, I have to go!
&lt;hr width=100%&gt;

===''Video Game Wizards'' [3.10a]===
:'''Mordecai''': Hey, Rigby! I've got good news! ''[Rigby gasps]'' I put you down as an alternate.
:'''Rigby''': What? Why?
:'''Mordecai''': Come on, dude. I'm just trying to win the Glove.
:'''Rigby''': Then why did you pick Skips?! He's not even good at video games!
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, cool it!
:'''Rigby''': Why would you pick Skips over me?! He's HORRIBLE at video games!!
:'''Mordecai''': No he's '''NOT!''' ''[shoves Rigby down the floor; a crowd of people whoop]''
:'''Crowd''': Cooooooooooool! ''[Rigby gets up, looks at Mordecai panting angrily]''
:'''Mordecai''': Rigby, I picked Skips because ''you're'' horrible at video games. ''[closeup on Rigby, shocked and becomes enraged at what Mordecai says to him]''
:'''Rigby''': [enraged] '''Fine!''' Forget you, then! I hope you have as much fun winning the Glove as you did losing your best friend. ''[angrily storms off]''
:'''Mordecai''': Rigby!! ''[see Rigby leaving with people blocking the exit]''
:'''Skips''': I know what you're doing, Mordecai, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed in you.
:'''Mordecai''': ''[sighs]'' Look, Skips, I wanna win the Maximum Glove for me and Rigby to share, but I just can't play with him. He's not good enough at video games to win.
:'''Skips''': Mordecai, I know you wanna make Rigby happy by winning that Glove, but are you sure you're going about this the right way?
:'''Mordecai''': Don't worry about it. He'll get over it when we win the Glove. Let's go.

===''Big Winner'' [3.10b]===
:'''Mordecai''': (''the scene cuts to the Lottery Plaza'') Muscle Man, wait!
:'''Muscle Man''': What is it?
:'''Mordecai''': There's something we need to tell you. The lottery ticket... it's fake. We wanted to get back for pranking us.
:'''Rigby''': It just got out of hand! We're sorry.
:'''Muscle Man''': It's okay, I'm not mad.
:'''Rigby''': Really?
:'''Muscle Man''': Nope. I'm furious! (''Mordecai and Rigby gasp, then Muscle Man shoves Mordecai and Rigby into the ticket checker and then catapults it over a wall'')

&lt;hr width=100%&gt;
:'''Benson''': '''Now go tell him it's a fake or you're both fired!'''

===''The Best Burger in the World'' [3.11a]===
:'''Muscle Man''': I already got mine. I could die right now with no regrets. You guys are going to have to take this to your graves. Just wishing you got to taste this Himalayan ketchup. ''[eats his burger]''
:'''Pops''': Oh, my! I can taste the Himalayas! ''[Laughs as Mordecai and Rigby moan]''
(Benson drives up)

Benson: Did I tell you two you could stop working? &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt; '''Get in the cart.'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
(cut to Skips' garage. Benson kicks M&amp;R out of the golf cart and onto the ground)

Benson: You still need to clean Skips' garage. There's a bunch of Pops' weird stuff in there that needs to go into storage. When you're done, you can have burgers, deal?

Rigby: Really? (Mordecai opens the garage door. The garage is piled to the ceiling with clutter)

Benson: Yep, have fun you two. (laughs and drives away)

Mordecai: I don't believe this. (clock transition to sometime later. M&amp;R are almost done with the boxes. Mordecai pants hard, and Rigby throws a box into the pile) Dude, what are you doing? Do you want an Ulti-Meatum or not? (grabs sheet) Come on, help me move this. (M&amp;R remove the curtain to see a machine called a &quot;Hologram 9000&quot;. Dramatic music plays as it is shown)

Mordecai and Rigby: Whoa!

Mordecai: What is this thing?

Rigby: It's says, &quot;Hologram 9000&quot;.

Mordecai: Cool.

Rigby: Dude, holograms! What if we use it to make holograms of ourselves and put them in here so that Benson thinks we're working?

Mordecai: What? Why would we do that? We're almost done. Plus, it says it can kill you. (sure enough, there is a sticker on the machine that shows so. Off in the distance, Ajay makes an announcement over the megaphone)

Ajay: Last call for burgers. I repeat, last call for burgers.

Mordecai: Dude, you're going first. (Rigby pushes the red button on the machine, and the door slides open. He enters as the door closes. Mordecai sets the switch to &quot;extremely realistic&quot;, then, red lasers scan Rigby.

Rigby: Eeeeyaaghhyrrerrohdough! (Rigby screams in pain before the lasers move off)

Mordecai: Come on, dude, you gotta stay still. It's not gonna work if you move.

Rigby: But it hurts!

Mordecai: Yeah, well, you know what else is gonna hurt? Not getting that burger. (Rigby stands up) Come on, best burger in the world.

Rigby: Best burger in the world. Best burger in the world. Anyone who doesn't eat one... (crosses arms across chest then hold them up like Ajay) ...is a chump! (the lasers scan him) NYAAAAAH! (Rigby's graphic on the machine turns into a wireframe. Seconds later, Rigby's hologram comes out)

Mordecai: Dude, it looks exactly like you. (seconds later, Mordecai is in the machine.)

Mordecai: RRRNNGHH!!! (Mordecai grunts as the hologram of him is created. Mordecai kicks a box as he and Rigby place it next to the Rigby hologram, now holding a box, and place a box under the Mordecai hologram) Nice. Let's go hide over there and see if it works on Benson. (M&amp;R run into a bush as Benson drives up) Here he comes. (Benson brakes)

Benson: Boy, somebody must not want burgers for lunch. (drives off)

Rigby: Dude, he bought it.

Mordecai: Yeah, but we gotta hurry. Those things aren't gonna hold them off forever. (M&amp;R runs to the Grill 'em Up truck)

Mordecai and Rigby: Two Ulti-Meatums!

Ajay: Is that it?

Mordecai and Rigby: Yes!

Ajay: Can I get your names?

Rigby: Mordecai and Rigby!

(back at Skips' house, Benson drives up again and looks at the Holograms)

Benson: Why are you guys just standing around? Get back to work! (drives off. Cut to the truck. Ajay places a patty onto the grill and fries one side of it as M&amp;R watch. Back at Skips' house, Benson drives up for a third time) You didn't answer my question. Why are you just standing around? (steps out. At the truck, the small cheeseburger is already placed on the giant patty. It is flipped over as M&amp;R drool in hunger. At Skips' house, Benson walks up to the holograms) What did I tell you about answering me when I speak to you? (pause) Why are you just looking at me like that? (looks at Rigby hologram) Rigby, you put that box down now. (runs up to grab the box off the hologram, but knocks it over onto the ground) What the? (taps Mordecai hologram, which falls over. Benson realizes what's going on, panting and turns red) Mordecai and Rigby think they can just skip out on work to go eat burgers? Well, they've got another thing coming. (drives off. Right then, the holograms come to life and look at each other. The two burgers are then dipped in grease, and Ajay adds the Himalayan ketchup, then Mordecai and Rigby turn around in horror as they see Benson driving up in the cart) (slow-mo) GGGRRRAAAAAHHHHHHH!

Mordecai: (slow-mo) Oh, no! (turns to Ajay) Hurry! (Ajay wraps the two Ulti-Meatums in white bags then rings a bell)

Ajay: You guys are lucky. You just got the last two Ulti-Meatums for the next 100 years. (Mordecai and Rigby grab the burgers, but then the holograms slap them away and grab them)

Rigby: Aw, what?

Mordecai: Give us back our burgers!

Hologram-Mordecai: No way. These are the best burgers in the world.

Hologram-Rigby: Yeah, get lost so we can eat 'em...(crosses arms across chest then holds them up like Ajay)...you chumps. (begins to take a bite)

Rigby: NOOOOOOOO!!!

Benson: AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (They begin to fight Hologram-Mordecai and Hologram-Rigby.) Nobody's going to eat anything until you finish cleaning the-

(They fight but Hologram-Mordecai and Hologram-Rigby just spins through them)

Ajay and the chef: Fight, Fight, Fight, Fight, Fight.(They continue through out the fight.)

Hologram-Rigby: I'm gonna enjoy this.

Rigby: (Slow motion voice) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

(Slowly looks at a nearby rock, and The Flower Duet by Lakme start)

(Mordecai and Rigby start throwing rocks at Hologram-Rigby and Hologram Mordecai)

(Rigby picks up the thing keeping the truck in place, causing the truck to roll away, and throws it at Hologram Rigby, destroying him in the process)

Hologram Rigby: (slow motion voice) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!! (gets destroyed)

Hologram Mordecai: (slow motion voice) NOOOOO!! WE JUST WANTED A BURGER! (Mordecai does the same as Rigby) AHHHHHHHH!

(Mordecai and Rigby cross their arms and high-five each other.)

Mordecai and Rigby: Yeah!

Rigby: (excited) Dude, I'm so hungry.

Mordecai: Me too. I can't wait to--

(Unfortunately, Benson ate the two burgers)

Benson: You know, you guys were right all along. These burgers are outstanding. (Eats the rest of the last burger) Oh, wait, you guys didn't get to have one. That's too bad, apparently they only make these once every 100 years. Which is about how long it will take you to finish cleaning out Skips' garage.

(Drives away)

Mordecai: Dude, he's gone, let's see if we can get them to make two more of those burgers.

(They turn around and see that the truck is gone)

Rigby: Uh, where'd the truck go?

(The truck is seen rolling towards the crash pit)

Ajay and the chef: Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight....

===''Replaced'' [3.11b]===
:'''Benson''': '''ALRIGHT!''' That's enough!
:'''Mordecai''': (Grunts)
:'''Rigby''': Hm hm hm hm hm!
(Purple monster throws 2 people into the lake.)
:'''Benson''': This party's over! That's right, beat it. I don't wanna any of your faces here ever again! Ehh, not you 2. MORDECAI AND RIGBY YOU CAN get out BECAUSE YOU'RE '''FIRED'''!
:''(He angrily camera-flashes in front of both's faces)''
:'''Rigby''': But you were gonna give our jobs away!
:'''Mordecai''': We had to do something to stop them from finishing the boats!
:'''Benson''': Yeah, and a lot good THAT did you, Now get lost, you're fired, remember?!
:'''Rigby''': But Benso— ''(He camera-flashes them again)''
:'''Benson''': LEAVE, NOW!
:'''Rigby''': But— (''POASH'')
:'''Benson''': NOW,  NOW, NOW, LEAVE '''''NOW!'''''
:''(Benson sighs heavily and recedes down to his normal color hue for a beat)''
:'''Benson''': Hey, Chad and Jeremy! Looks like positions opened up, so whaddaya say? How would you like a job at the park.
:'''Jeremy''': (scoffs) Yeah right. We didn't get degrees at the Institute of Technical Technology to work at some at some crazy job like this.
:'''Chad''': Good luck finding two suckers dumb enough to take '''this''' job!
:''(Both activate rocket-installed phones and fly away)''
:'''Benson''': Chad! Jeremy! Wait.... ... But... I...
:'''Mordecai''': So.. Benson... Not sure if you're looking, but we know a couple of dumb suckers who are real good at cleaning up pizza parties.
:'''Rigby''': REAL good. ''(He camera-flashes Benson)''

===''Trash Boat'' [3.12a]===
:'''The Urge''': Trash Boat. We meet at last.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Benson''': Hey Trash Boat, pick that up! Name-tags are mandatory on work-time.
:'''Trash Boat (Rigby)''': What!? But that's only for new employees!
:'''Benson''': Exactly. New name, ''new'' man. Now put it back on or you're fired!
:''[Trash Boat grunts, put back on name-tag. Close-up on tag]''
:'''Benson''': ''[chuckles]'' Never gets old.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Trash Boat''': Mordecai, I can't take this anymore! I wanna change my name back! Could you please just be a pal and lend me 50 bucks?
:'''Mordecai''': 50 bucks? I dunno.. What do you think, Muscle Man?
:'''Muscle Man''': I don't think you should do it. I like Trash Boat WAY better than Rigby anyways. It's way easier to make fun of. ''[gaping his wolf tattoo belly]'' Isn't that right, Trash Boat?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Urge''': So I came back in time to keep you from changing your name to Trash Boat. BAH KILLING YOU~!!

===''Fists of Justice'' [3.12b]===
:'''Benson''': Hey, what are you guys doing? I thought that was Skips'  job.
:'''Mordecai''': But we're just...
:'''Benson''': You know what? I don't care. Just get it out of here. It's the fire hazard.

===''Yes Dude Yes'' [3.13a]===
:''' Margaret''': YES DUDE YES!

===''Busted Cart'' [3.13b]===
:'''Benson''': [enraged to see that Mordecai and Rigby destroyed the Cart ] MORDECAI, RIGBY! '''What have I told you about messing with the cart? If you think—''' ''[Mr. Maellard touches his shoulder]''
:'''Mr. Maellard''': My office, now.
:''[the scene cuts to Pops' house]''
:'''Mr. Maellard''': D’you have any idea what these carts ''cost?!?'' I'm not paying park money to fix ''your'' mistakes!
:'''Benson''': But, sir...
:'''Mr. Maellard''': BUT ''NOTHING!'' ''[Mordecai and Rigby hears behind the door, off-screen]'' I could find a new park manager right now if I wanted to.
:'''Benson''': Don't worry, sir. The warranty will take care of everything. ''[Maellard takes his cue card, then angrily slams it on his table]''
:'''Mr. Maellard''': This expires tomorrow afternoon!
:'''Benson''': But the dealership's too far away. I'll have to drive all day and night.
:'''Mr. Maellard''': Sounds like a personal problem. ''Get that cart fixed or you're '''FIRED'''!'' 
:''[The scene cuts to Mr. Maellard angrily slamming the door at Benson]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[a short while after being pulled over]''
:'''Mordecai''': Benson, we're sorry.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, the bag wouldn't open and the napkins!--
:'''Benson''': [ irritated ] No, no more! Here's what you guys are gonna do for the rest of the trip — nothing! Absolutely ''nothing!'' (in red) Don't ''say'' anything, don't ''do'' anything. '''Just stop messing things up!'''
:''[pause]''
:'''Rigby''': Benson, why d’you hate us so much?
:'''Benson''': ''[sighs]'' I don't hate you guys. I just hate some of things you do. Okay, I ''really'' hate some of things you do. I know you don't mean them, but I'm your boss and it's my job to push you to do better.
:'''Mordecai''': Is that why Maellard yells at you?
:'''Benson''': ''[laughs]'' You guys dunno how easy you have it! Let's just say his yelling is ''way'' worse than mine.
:'''Rigby''': But is it worse than his face? ''[all laugh]''
:'''Mordecai''': ''[squeaks]'' His face.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Benson''': ''(Yawns)'' Huh? [ angry ] '''What?!''' ''(He walks into Joyspot Arcade finding Mordecai &amp; Rigby, angrily getting them out of Joyspot Arcade, they both groan)''
:'''Rigby''': Turn it off!
:'''Mordecai''': Ugh. How long were we in there?
:'''Benson''': (turning red) '''HOURS! You were in there for ''HOURS!'' Now, we're never gonna make it to the dealership in time! It closes in 30 minutes!'''
:'''Mordecai''': We're sorry! We didn't know it was daytime. There aren't only windows in the arcade!
:'''Benson''': '''Excuses, excuses! How am I supposed to trust you when all you give me are ''EXCUSES?!!?'' When are you two gonna learn that your actions have CONSEQUENCES??!!?! Consequences that AFFECT other people!''' ''(Voice breaking)'' '''Like me. Don't you two understand? I'm about to lose my job! You may not care about keeping your jobs, but I care about keeping mine. 'Cause if I lose my job, I have nothing! Do you hear me? I have nothing!''' (breaks down in tears, crying)  Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to take my last bathroom break as an employed man.
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, we really messed up. ''(The Scene Shows The Bathroom, Where The Toilet flushes, then Benson exits the bathroom, Cleaning His Hands)''
:'''Benson''': ''(Shocked)'' What...? ''(He notices the cart is gone, Then turns red and starts wailing, screaming in rage, then panting)'' Hey, You! ''(the scene shows a hillbilly on a motorcycle, then Benson runs to the biker)'' There were two guys with a truck that were just here. D’you know where they went?
:'''Biker''': Oh, yeah!  They're taking a shortcut out to Highway 13 to the car dealership!
:'''Benson''': ''(furiously)'' '''''WHAT?!?!'''''
:'''Biker''': Most dangerous highway in the country!
:'''Benson''': How much do you want for that bike? ''(he is seen driving the motorcycle to catch Mordecai and Rigby, who are driving Benson's truck)''

===''Dead At Eight'' [3.14a]===
:'''Mordecai''': Okay, little dude, time to go to sleep.
:'''Thomas''': No. I refuse!
:'''Mordecai''': What the!?
:'''Rigby''': Wait, you can talk?
:'''Thomas''': Of course I can, I am over 300 years old.
:'''Mordecai''': Wait — do your parents know?
:'''Thomas''': NO, and let's keep it that way! I want to ride this baby thing out for a while longer, and before I slumber, I demand that we PLAY.
:'''Rigby''': Well, okay... but you better go to sleep after that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[reading thru The Hungry Hungry Soul-Sucking Deathworm]''
:'''Mordecai''': &quot;..And once all the souls were eaten, he took a nice long nap. The end.&quot; It's such a pretty good book.
:'''Thomas''': No, wait — you forgot to pull the last tab.
:'''Mordecai''': Uhh...
:'''Thomas''': PULL IT! THIS IS MY ''FAVORITE PART!''
:'''Mordecai''': What's the point? The book's over, dude.
:'''Thomas''': If you ''DON'T,'' I ''won't'' go to bed!

===''Access Denied'' [3.14b]===
:'''Ladonna''': What is going on here?
:'''Mordecai''': ''[groans]'' This is why clubs suck! You think you are better than everybody else? There'a a dumb list that no one can get on? That weird baby water? This annoying music?!
:'''Rigby''': Actually, I like the music.
:'''Mordecai''': And now you're kicking my friend out because he's not wearing the right clothes?! Well, I'm not wearing the right clothes! ''[He takes off trash bag]'' I got this stuff out at the trash. Are you gonna kick me out, too? ''[all gasp]'' Rigby is not an embarrassment, this Stuck-Up club is an embarrassment.
:'''Ladonna''': Well, I am the owner of the Stuck-Up club, and I want you two gone.
:'''Mordecai''': What?!
:'''Ladonna''': Harvey, Lafayette!
''[Harvey and Lafayette grabs Mordecai and Rigby]''
:'''Mordecai''': W--What? Wait.
:'''Ladonna''': Throw these losers out.
:'''Mordecai''': No, please! Margaret's waiting for me! I promised I'd dance with her!
:'''Harvey''': Not tonight, kid.
:'''Rigby''': Let go of me!
:'''Mordecai''': No!
''[Mordecai sees Margaret dancing]''
:'''Mordecai''': ''[gasps]'' Margaret! ''[he stomps on Harvey's feet, and he's running after Margaret]''
:'''Ladonna''': '''GET THEM!'''

===''Muscle Mentor'' [3.15a]===
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, Benson can't stand it when you leave jobs before they're even finished.
:'''Rigby''': Oh please, what's he gonna do? ''[Benson looks behind him]''
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, stop.
:'''Rigby''': ''Fire'' me?
:'''Mordecai''': ''[teething angrily]'' '''IT’S BENSON!'''
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, I know it's Benson, that's how it works around here. I don't do my work, and he doesn't do a thing about it. It's a win-win.
:'''Benson''': Actually, it's a ''lose-lose'' '''CAUSE YOU’RE FIRED!!'''
:'''Rigby''': Whoa, Benson!! I was just messing around! Sorry about that. I'm just gonna go back to work now, okay?
:'''Benson''': No, you're not. You're actually fired. I want you outta here.
:'''Rigby''': I'm sorry, Benson, it won't happen again!
:'''Mordecai''': Can't you give him another chance?!
:'''Pops''': ''[stops by]'' What's going on here?
:'''Mordecai''': Benson just fired Rigby.
:'''Pops''': Why? What's the matter, Benson?
:'''Benson''': Well, for one, he never finishes his work.
:'''Rigby''': That's not true! I always finish my work!
:''[cut to Rigby playing video games with the vacuum cleaner running past him; whooping on the duck spring rider with his garbage bag and stick laid down; and himself sleeping with the hose still running]''
:'''Rigby''': Okay, so... maybe I don't always finish my work, but... you never told me how to! How am I suppose to do something I don't even know how to do?!
:'''Benson''': I don't know! If you haven't figured it out already, you're not gonna figure it out anytime soon. I want you ''outta here''!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Muscle Man''': Rigbaby, repeat lessons one and two.
:'''Rigby''': Lesson one... is stay calm. Lesson two... is be cool.
:'''Muscle Man''': Stay cool.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, stay cool.
:'''Muscle Man''': Alright. Forget those two lessons!
:'''Rigby''': WHAT!!?
:'''Muscle Man''': Lesson three is the only lesson that matters. Lesson three... is never quit. You say it.
:'''Rigby''': Never quit.
:'''Muscle Man''': What?
:'''Rigby''': Never quit!
:'''Muscle Man''': I'm sorry, did you say something, Rigbaby?
:'''Rigby''': I said never quit!!
:''[Muscle Man starts on the mower at high volume]''
:'''Muscle Man''': '''I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!'''
:'''Rigby''': '''NEVER QUIT!!'''
:'''Muscle Man''': '''YOU SOUND LIKE A QUIET LITTLE QUITTER!!!'''
:'''Rigby''': '''NEVER QUIT!!!'''
:'''Muscle Man''': I GONNA YANK THIS CORD JUST LIKE YOUR MOM YANKED THAT PACIFIER OUT OF YOUR ''LITTLE BABY MOUTH!!!!''
:'''Rigby''': NEVER QUIT!!!!!

===''Trucker Hall of Fame'' [3.15b]===
:'''Muscle Man''': We're here today because my dad put a cactus under a cop in a bear costume, who turned out to be an actual bear. ''[starts freaking out, wreaks havoc]''
:'''Mordecai''': Muscle Man! ''[runs with Rigby to comfort him]'' It's okay, it's okay!
:'''Muscle Man''': You're right! You're right! I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I'm okay. My dad might not have been the best pranker in the world... but he was the best trucker in the world. And that hat was his crown. That's why this urn is filled with the ashes of his hat. As the ultimate Father's Day tribute, I'm gonna help my dad fulfil his final wish by spreading the ashes of his hat at the Trucker Hall of Fame.
:'''Benson''': Guys, I'd like you to go with Muscle Man to help him spread those hat ashes.
:'''Mordecai''': What? Why can't Hi-Five Ghost go with him?
:'''Benson''': Hi-Five Ghost doesn't deal well with this sort of thing. ''[cuts to Fives outside the window crying]''
:'''Mordecai''': Okay, we'll go with him.
:'''Benson''': Thanks. Just make sure to watch after him. If Muscle Man can't spread those hat ashes and get some closure, he may never be the same again.
:'''Muscle Man''': ''[twirling suit, chugs soda on the couch]'' WOO-HOO!! WOO!! ''[chucks soda at the wall, runs off]'' WOOO!!!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Muscle Man''': ''[reads]'' &quot;Son, if you're reading this, you punched my face and freaked out in the field by the rest stop where I faked that picture. I'm sorry for pranking you all these years...&quot;
:''[...]''
:'''Muscle Dad''': ''[writing on his forklift]'' &quot;''...especially about being a trucker. The world is a harsh place, and I only did it to toughen you up for when I'm gone. Now you know the truth — you aren't a Muscle Boy anymore.''&quot;
:'''Trucker''': Muscle Dad! We need those loads now!
:'''Muscle Dad''': Yes, sir! Right away!
:'''Trucker''': And take off that hat! You ain't worthy of it. ''[they leave, Muscle Dad takes off his hat and continues writing]''
:'''Muscle Dad''': &quot;''So please, drive to the highest point of the Trucker Hall of Fame, and spread my hat ashes over those stuck-up jerks. It's my final prank from beyond the grave. But if you hate me too much to do it, I understand.''&quot;

===''Out of Commission'' [3.16a]===
:'''Cart''': Seriously, you dudes are gonna love this.
:'''Mordecai''': Family Restaurant?
:'''Rigby''': Why is everything in quotes?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bartender''': Take it up with a complaints department!, right here...
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bartender''': Hey!, you gotta order something???
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bartender''': And stay out!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bartender''': This is the decent family establishment!, don't need you..., Low life's messing things up!

===''Fancy Resturant'' [3.16b]===
:'''Muscle Man''': Oh, no, bro!


:'''Gene''': Whoa whoa whoa.
:'''Katherine''': We're unarmed.

===''Diary'' [3.17a]===
===''The Best VHS in the World'' [3.17b]===
:'''MSH Guy''': Look, you guys need to return the tape and pay the late fee.
:'''Rigby''': But we can't afford a late fee!
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah, and what if we can't find it?
:'''MSH Guy''': ''[grunts, grabs a pair of scissors]'' Then you leave me no choice. ''[about to snip their membership card]''
:'''Mordecai &amp; Rigby''': STOP
:'''MSH Guy''': Why should I?
:'''Rigby''': All we have is a VCR and you're the only place in town that still rents tapes!
:'''MSH Guy''': Oh, yeah — all those other places UPGRADED to ''D-V-D''!!
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, we'll find it! I think I remember where it is suddenly!
:'''MSH Guy''': Hmmph...
:'''Rigby''': ''PLEEEEEASE!!!''
:'''MSH Guy''': ''[groans]'' Fine, but it's only because you dudes appreciate superior video formats. Get it back here A.S.A.P. and I won't cancel your membership. I'll even wave the fee.
:'''Rigby''': You won't regret this!
:'''MSH Guy''': I'd better not! Or you'll never rent a tape here EVER AGAIN!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''MSH Guy''': Dude, the game has been changed. I want that tape back by 9. My manager's doing inventory after we close, and he'll call the collections agency if he finds out it's missing.
:'''Mordecai''': What would it cost to just replace the tape?
:'''MSH Guy''': You're not going to  like it.
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, just tell me!
:'''MSH Guy''': One.. thousand.. ''dollars.''
:'''Mordecai''': A THOUSAND DOLLARS?!
:'''MSH Guy''': It's a RARE out-of-print VHS! A piece of film history!
:'''Mordecai''': It's a piece alright.
:'''MSH Guy''': Just find it by tonight. I hear those guys break thumbs.

===''Prankless'' [3.18a]===
:'''Muscle Man''': It's not over till I say it's over!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Benson''': ''[Enters Muscle Man's Trailer]'' Muscle Man, the rival park is pranking us again. We need you!
:'''Muscle Man''': You got the wrong man, I don't do that anymore.
:'''Benson''': But we're getting destroyed!
:'''Muscle Man''': Maybe I didn't make myself clear. I don't prank anymore.
:'''Benson''': I can't believe this! You're just gonna let them destroy the park?!
:'''Muscle Man''': ''[Stands up and points at Benson]'' Whoa! Back up, bro! I almost killed a man. A park, that's just land. You can replace that any day of the week, but a man's life, that's forever.
:'''Benson''': But the park i--
:'''Muscle Man''': It's over, Benson. I'm done.
:'''Benson''': ''[Sighs]'' Thanks for nothing.

===''Death Bear'' [3.18b]===
===''Fuzzy Dice'' [3.19a]===
:'''Benson''': As you guys may or may not know, it's Pops' birthday tomorrow. I was planning on getting him something nice from the arts and crafts fair last Saturday, but... nothing really stood out. Has anybody gotten him anything yet?
:'''Muscle Man''': ''[beat]'' No.
:'''Benson''': Why am I not surprised? ''[pulls cap off of marker]'' Ideas? Anybody?
:'''Muscle Man''': How about one of them Jeff Forgeman grills?
:'''Benson''': That's actually not a bad idea, but Pops has been watching his cholesterol. Doctor's orders. What else?
:'''Skips''': How about we get him some new gardening tools?
:'''Benson''': Well, maybe. It's just, he gets new gardening tools all the time.
:'''Mordecai''': What about some horseback riding lessons?
:'''Benson''': Please tell me you're joking.
:'''Mordecai''': Well, no. Isn't he into that?
:'''Benson''': Don't you remember? That's the exact same gift we got him last year.
:'''Rigby''': Pshh!
:'''Mordecai''': Don't &quot;pshh&quot; me! I don't hear you coming up with anything.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, but at least I didn't say the same thing that we got him last year!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Mordecai and the group stop the Capicola Gang at their tracks]''
:'''Mordecai''': Give us back our dice! We won 'em fair and square!
:'''Bear Leader''': There's no way you're getting these dice. Now get outta the way before somebody gets hurt! 
:'''Benson''': What could you possibly want with fuzzy dice?
:'''Louie''': Well, ten years ago, we knocked over at big city jewelers, and we made off with millions worth of uncut diamonds. ''[points to dice]'' And those diamonds are in those dice.
:'''Bear Leader''': ''[thwacks Louie]'' Shut up, Louie!
:'''Benson''': I remember reading about that. That was you?
:'''Bear Leader''': Yeah, that's right. We've been laying low for ten long years waiting for the {{w|statute of limitations}} on {{w|grand theft}} {{w|larceny}} to run out. And it was supposed to end tonight at midnight.
:'''Duck''': Mm-hmm. Until you clowns came along and ruined everything.
:'''Rigby''': Can't we just have the dice without the diamonds?
:'''Bear Leader''': It's too late. And you know too much.
:'''Duck''': Mm-hmm.

===''Sugar Rush'' [3.19b]===
:'''Benson''': If you pass them out before the meeting, you're fired, got it?
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah, no problem.
:'''Benson''': Good. Now what do I just tell you?
:'''Rigby''': Get the donuts and don't pass them out, or else we're fired.
:'''Benson''': And?
:'''Mordecai''': Oh, and you want a whole wheat donut.
:'''Benson''': Good. Maybe you are ready for more responsibility. Now go get the donuts.
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': (''Gets out of chairs and start rapping'') D-d-d-d-donuts! D-d-d-d-donuts, donuts! D-d-d-d-donuts! D-d-d-d--
:'''Benson''': [Annoyed] Just buy the donuts OR YOU'RE FIRED!
----

===''Bad Kiss'' [3.20a]===
:'''Margaret''': (''Mordecai walk to Margaret's car, and looks around for his personal item which turns out to be his wallet, Margaret has followed him to the car to check up on him'') What's up?
:'''Mordecai''': I can't find my wallet.
:'''Margaret''': Oh, let's see... (''She also joins Mordecai in the car, helping him look for his wallet, then she leans over the seat'') Did you check the glove compartment?
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah, I checked there... (''They realize that they are close to one another once again'') alrerady...
:'''Margaret''': Oh, ha...
:'''Mordecai''': Ha. (''They stare at each other, Mordecai glups, an leans in with Margaret joining in, and they kiss. Then Margaret opens her eyes and looks disgusted, and pushes Mordecai away'') Oh, sorry, I shouldn't--
:'''Margaret''': No, it's fine. It's just--
:'''Mordecai''': What?
:'''Margaret''': Your breath is really bad...
:'''Mordecai''': Ahh! Oh, my God. (''Reaches for the door handle to get out of the car'')
:'''Margaret''': Wait, no! It's--
:'''Mordecai''': I'm sorry! (''He exits out of the car to run back into the house'') I'm sorry!
:'''Margaret''': Mordecai!

==External links==

{{wikipedia|Regular Show}}

[[Category:Regular Show seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>rdbgvmrhxwnj6nhtxirq3tb03vu8ial</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Regular Show (season 7)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>187351</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147467</id>
      <parentid>3091065</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T16:30:12Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Timmy.swartley.8</username>
        <id>3126758</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* The Button [7.30] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="11062" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Seasons:''' [[Regular Show (season 1)|1]] [[Regular Show (season 2)|2]] [[Regular Show (season 3)|3]] [[Regular Show (season 4)|4]] [[Regular Show (season 5)|5]] [[Regular Show (season 6)|6]] [[Regular Show (season 7)|7]] [[Regular Show (season 8)|8]] | [[Regular Show: The Movie|Film]] | [[Regular Show|Main]]
----
The following is a list of quotes from the seventh season of ''[[Regular Show]]''.

===''Dumptown U.S.A.'' [7.01]===
===''The Parkie Awards'' [7.02]===
===''The Lunch Club'' [7.03]===
:'''BENSON''': '''YOU REALLY SCREWED UP THIS TIME!!'''
:'''Mr. MAELLARD''': Hold on now, Benson. You share as much to blame as he does. You are his manager.
:'''RIGBY''': It's true Benson. I told you I needed a nap!
:'''Benson''': You were tired because you were up all night '''PLAYING VIDEO GAMES!!!'''
:'''Mr. MAELLARD''': Enough! Rigby's a screw up but discipline starts at the top. So here's what's gonna happen. (opens the drawer and gets some paper and a pen out) One of you is gonna write a letter of resignation by 5 o'clock. No one leaves this office until it's done. And if you can't work it out, you're both fired! (slams door)

===''Local News Legend'' [7.04]===
===''The Dome Experiment'' [7.05-7.06]===
:'''Benson''': And Mordecai and Rigby, let's have you pick up trash by the snack bar.
:'''Rigby''': Ugh! Again?
:'''Benson''': Don't worry, this is the last time you'll be on trash duty for a while.
:'''Mordecai''': Awesome! Wait, we're not getting another intern, are we? Because I don't think I can handle another spy situation.
:'''Benson''': No, I've actually got some very big news about your ''dome-estic'' situation! ''(everybody stares at him)'' Hopefully it won't cause any ''pan-dome-onium''! ''(everybody continues to stare)'' ''Dome'' you have any ideas about what's going to happen? ''(everybody is still staring)'' No one, huh? Well, since I have to spell it out for you, Maellard's decided to seal off the park in a dome to create a contained ego-system! A group of scientists from the government are going to study it for a whole month!
:'''Muscle Man''': Bro, have would we ever have guessed that?
:'''Mordecai''': A whole month? Where are we supposed to go?
:'''Benson''': You'll have to move out, the dome's dropping tomorrow! Isn't that exciting?
:'''Pops''': Why aren't you more upset about the inconvenience?
:'''Benson''': Because I don't live at the park.
:'''Skips''': So we can stay at your place?
:'''Benson''': Heh, well, my place, while officially a one bedroom, ''(the wind starts blowing strong)'' feels more like a studio. So there isn't really any room! ''(he looks up and sees a dome coming down onto the park)''
:'''Hi Five Ghost''': It's not tomorrow! It's today! They're sealing the park ''today!''

===''Birthday Gift'' [7.07]===
===''Cat Videos'' [7.08]===
:'''Mordecai''': Did you stay up all night watching Cat Videos?
:'''Benson''': Sure did. ''[laughs]'' Did you know there are internet cat celebrities? There's Fat Cat, Rat attack Cat, And Murray the Japanese Cat that likes boxes.

===''Struck by Lightning'' [7.09]===
:'''Muscle Man''': ''[on video tape]'' Fives, I put on too much tanning oil, and now I can’t get up!
:'''Hi Five Ghost''': ''[on video tape]'' Don’t worry! I’ll help! ''[tries to pull Muscle Man back up on his feet and he falls on his front]''
:'''Pops''': Wow! What wonderful memories! ''[chuckles nervously]''
:'''Hi Five Ghost''': I, uh...I think I’m gonna call it a night, if that’s okay. Thanks. ''[floats to the front door and leaves]''

===''Terror Tales of the Park V'' [7.10-7.11]===
===''The Return of Party Horse'' [7.12]===
:'''Mordecai''':  We did it dude! We mowed the entire lawn with out taking a single break! You wanna go get some lunch?
:'''Rigby''': Aw yea-uh, I do! Nothing on ''Earth's'' gonna stop us from getting some lunch! Huh?
''(They see a spacecraft falling out of the sky and lands on the lawn, creating a big hole)''
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': Party Horse! (They walk towards it as they chant) Party, party, party, party, party, par... (the spacecraft opens) Huh?
:'''Party Horse 42699''': ''(sniffles)'' Oh, Chrissy! ''(cries; Scene cuts to the house where he is lying on the couch and Mordecai and Rigby standing there)'' UUUUUUGGGHHH!
:'''Mordecai''': Dude, what happened to you?
:'''Party Horse 42699''': Chrissy happened, man, she dumped me, and she'll probably never talk to me again.
:'''Rigby''': That's rough, man. What went wrong?
:'''Party Horse 42699''': Augh! It's all her dad's fault. He always telling her my partying is &quot;compulsive&quot; and that i'm a &quot;danger to myself and others.&quot; I tried to talk to my bros on Party Horse Planet for advice, but they just duct tape me to a flagpole and put my underwear down. After that, I came to Earth hoping you dudes can help me.
:'''Mordecai and Rigby''': Wooooaaaaahhhh...
:'''Mordecai''': Uh, don't worry, dude, we'll help you get your girlfriend back.
:'''Party Horse 42699''': You will?
:'''Mordecai''': It's easy, you just gotta get something nice to show her you care about her.
:'''Rigby''': Yeah, man, the mall has like 20 stores that only sells stuff for guys who need to apologize to their girlfriends. With our help, you'll be back in the saddle in no time.
:'''Party Horse 42699''': Dude, saddle jokes, not cool.

===''Sleep Cycle'' [7.13]===
===''Just Friends'' [7.14]===
:'''Eileen''': Your dad? Tell him I said hi!
:'''Rigby''': Oh, by the way, my girlfriend, Eileen, she wanted me to let you know, she said hi.
:'''Sherm''': Hi, Eileen!
:'''Barbera''': Hi, Eileen!
:'''Rigby's family and Don''': Hi, Eileen!

===''Benson's Pig'' [7.15]===
===''The Eileen Plan'' [7.16]===
===''Hello China'' [7.17]===
===''Crazy Fake Plan'' [7.18]===
===''Win That Prize'' [7.19]===
===''Snow Tubing'' [7.20]===
:'''Rigby''': ''[calling out]'' Eileen, what are you doing?!
:'''Eileen''': I told you-- I’m getting my scarf!
:'''Rigby''': Stop lying. Just tell me what’s wrong.
:'''Eileen''': I’ll tell you what’s wrong, the thrills, the chills, the spills-- snow tubing is ''not'' for me!
:'''Rigby''': How do you know? You never tried it.
:'''Eileen''': I ''did'' try it. When I was little, I went snow tubing with my dad. ''[Flashback to her and her dad]'' We tried to hit a jump... but the inertia worked against us. The cold air felt like death on my face. And then... ''[gasps]'' that’s when I got ''THIS!'' ''[pulls down her sleeve, revealing a scar on her elbow arm]''
:'''Rigby''': What am I looking at exactly?
:'''Eileen''': A scar-- a bad one!
:'''Rigby''': Oh.
:'''Eileen''': Yeah. Ever since then, I’ve been afraid of snow tubing, I was just too embarrassed to tell you. I didn’t wanna ruin the trip. I knew how much it meant to you.
:'''Rigby''': You shouldn’t be embarrassed. I freak out over small spaces all the time. I’m not ashamed of my mucastaphobia.
:'''Eileen''': ''[giggles]'' Claustraphobia. And you’re right.

===''Chili Cook Off'' [7.21]===
===''Donut Factory Holiday'' [7.22]===
===''Gymblonski'' [7.23]===
===''Guys Night 2'' [7.24]===
===''Gary's Synthesizer'' [7.25]===
===''California King'' [7.26]===
===''Cube Bros'' [7.27]===
===''Maellard's Package'' [7.28]===
:''[Mordecai calls Benson after having missed their delivered package]''
:'''Benson''': YOU MISSED IT?!?! ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS '''SIT''' THERE!! You do that all day anyhow, so why can't you do it when I tell you to?!!
:'''Mordecai''': We're sorry, Benson! We—
:'''Benson''': Just reschedule the delivery and fix this, OR ''YOU'RE FIRED!!!!!'' ''[phone cuts off]''
:'''Rigby''': I'd say that was only about a five out of ten on the chewed-out scale. Not bad.
===''Rigby Goes to the Prom'' [7.29]===
:''[Rigby and Eileen are both eating their sandwiches at the cafe]''
:'''Rigby''': Hey, do you want to go with me to prom?
:'''Eileen''': I guess it's a chaperone?
:'''Rigby''': Na, it's my date.
:'''Eileen''': Totally, I never got to go since no one ever asked me.
:'''Rigby''': Nice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Rigby''': Hey Skips. Can I borrow your car for prom?
:'''Skips''': It's a van and no.
:'''Benson''': Hmmm... let me think. No!
:'''Muscle Man''': No.
:'''Mordecai''': Rigby, you know I don't have a car.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Rigby's Mom''': Rigby, you know this is a walk-in closet now.
:'''Rigby''': I know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Rigby's Mom''': Sherm, I can't help but hear some metaphors in your insane ranting.
:'''Sherm''': Barb, you're killin' me with this psycho babble.

===''The Button'' [7.30]===
:'''Benson''': What the? Nobody’s guarding it? MORDECAI AND RIGBY!

===''Favorite Shirt'' [7.31]===
===''Marvolo the Wizard'' [7.32]===
:'''Pops''': I'm not Marvolo.

===''Pops' Favorite Planet'' [7.33]===
===''Pam I Am'' [7.34]===
===''Lame Lockdown'' [7.35]===
===''VIP Members Only'' [7.36]===
===''Deez Keys'' [7.37]===
===''[[w:Rigby's Graduation Day Special|Rigby's Graduation Day Special]]'' [7.38-7.39]===
:'''Rigby''': ''[at West Anderson High School]'' Come on, Principal Dean! You can't fail me!
:'''Principal Dean''': Who said anything about failing you?
:'''Rigby''': On the phone! You said it was &quot;deadly serious&quot;!
:'''Principal Dean''': Okay, I can see how that could sound ominous, but this is good news. Are you familiar with the television program &quot;Inspire America&quot;?
:'''Rigby''': You mean that cheesy show with inspirational stories that everybody cries then everybody dances at the end?
:'''Principal Dean''': That's the one! See, Rigby, apparently you're an inspiration to this country. Most kids who drop out don't come back, but you did. So you, Rigby, are gonna give this year's graduation speech on TV.
:'''Rigby''': But graduation's tomorrow!
:'''Principal Dean''': Better get movin'. Oh, and Rigby, if you screw this up for me, I'm gonna eat your diploma.
:''[Rigby sweats frozen still]'' 
:'''Principal Dean''': Ha! I'm just pullin' your chain! Actually, no, yeah. I will eat it.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Rigby calls Mordecai fixing Skips' van in the desert]''
:'''Mordecai''': What?
:'''Rigby''': Mordecai! What's going on?! How're you still not here?!
:'''Mordecai''': ''[sighs]'' Rigby, I just... have stuff to do, okay?
:'''Rigby''': You already said you had stuff to do! Aren't you done doing your stuff?
:'''Mordecai''': No! ''[gets in van with six Coffini cans]'' I'm not done!
:'''Rigby''': Well, could you be doing that's more important than this?!
:'''Mordecai''': Come on, dude. ''[drives off]'' You gotta do this for yourself. I can't do everything for you.
:'''Rigby''': What buh—?! I've been doing stuff for myself all spring! I haven't needed your help all spring! Now that one time I do and you're not doing anything for me at all!
:'''Mordecai''': Yeah, that's right. I'm not doing anything for you. ''[hangs up, throws the cans onto the road]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Dr. Langer''': ''[puts his hand on Mr. Maellard's shoulder]'' Don't worry. He'll be safe.

==External links==

{{wikipedia|Regular Show}}

[[Category:Regular Show seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>1bem7bu35yrabuj1goeccjduuge4ewr</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Felicity (TV series)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>187949</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147724</id>
      <parentid>2873651</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T20:17:35Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* External links */ r/m Template:Tv.com show</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="20173" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Felicity (TV series)|Felicity]]''''' (1998–2002) was an American TV show created by [[J. J. Abrams]] and [[w:Matt Reeves|Matt Reeves]], airing on [[w:The WB|The WB]], about the experiences of a naive girl, who moves across the country to New York to attend college and pursue her high school crush. The show followed Felicity and her new friends as they made the transition to adulthood and dealt with an endless slew of crises.

== Season 1 ==
=== ''Pilot'' [1.01] ===
:'''Felicity''': They say crash victims --people who lose a limb--that they can still feel their missing arm or leg, even after it's gone. It's called phantom pain, right? Well, suddenly, I had this horrible thought. What if high school went away but the feeling of it didn't? I mean I didn't feel joy... or sorrow... or anticipation. Things were going so well, but all I could feel was.... was dread.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Noel''': OK, OK, OK. Here's--here's my speech. This is the big speech from Noel. Uh... you mustn't leave this school. Why? Here's why. Because this is--this is a life struggle. This is fate, this is a challenge. I-if you turn away from this now, you will -- and I promise you this -- be confronted by the same issue five years from now. Or ten. All right? You'll be--you'll be the fancy doctor with--with the fancy practice. You'll--you'll be married... and you'll have like four phone lines in your home. And then, boom, it'll--it'll grip you like a blast of freezing cold air. You know, &quot;what--what the hell is my life?&quot; And you'll be able to trace it back to this instant. This--this very moment, when that geek R.A. gave you these four words of advice, &quot;stay in New York, or perish&quot;. Five... six words.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sally''': I guess, I'm learning little by little that we decide what our lives are gonna be. Things happen to us. But it's our reactions that matter. I just want you to know, I think you've made a really great choice. And I can't wait to hear what happens.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Felicity''': It's funny. Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can pretty much change your life forever.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Felicity''': Is it possible to be just friends with someone I have these sort of immoderate feelings for?

=== ''The Last Stand'' [1.02] ===
:'''Noel''': So you have no intention of buying knives?
:'''Lewis''': ''[hesitates as he shiftily moves his eyes]'' No.
:'''Noel''': Or killing your roommate?
:'''Lewis''': ''[pauses longer with more shifty eye movement]'' No.
:'''Noel''': I gotta be honest here, Lewis. I wish you were more convincing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie''': ''[about her adoptive parents]'' What they don't know. What I haven't told anyone... that I found out my birth mom's name last year and she lives in New York.
:'''Felicity''': Is... I mean that's not why you came here.
:'''Julie''': They'd be really hurt if they found out.
:'''Felicity''': I won't say anything.
:'''Julie''': I know.
:'''Felicity''': God, I feel all grown up.
:'''Julie''': Me too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Felicity''': Years from now, Ben will look back on college and remember Felicity Porter: as that obsessive girl with frizzy hair who not only followed him across country, but then just began randomly sending him information about herself, as if he'd ever asked for any.
:'''Noel''': Well, if you can live with that, then you're okay.

=== ''Hot Objects'' [1.03] ===
:'''Elena''': ''[about the freshman mixer]'' I hate these things. A room full of junior high insecurities.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben''': Did you get what you wanted?
:'''Felicity''': Inorganic chemistry.
:'''Ben''': You got that and you're happy?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie''': Last year, at the same party, three people showed up naked.
:'''Felicity''': Whoa... I'm going to be wearing clothes to this party.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Noel''': Okay, does everybody like Ben? And I'm not asking that rhetorically.

=== ''Boggled'' [1.04] ===
:'''Meghan''': I replaced your stupid apple.
:'''Felicity''': With a tub of ''I Can't Believe It's Not Butter''?
:'''Meghan''': It tastes ''so much'' like butter.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Elena''': Have you seen Felicity?
:'''Meghan''': She's probably in Noel's room, getting some.
:'''Elena''': Getting some what?
:'''Meghan''': A little R.A. ass, or whatever.
:'''Elena''': What?
:'''Meghan''': She's doing the R.A.
:'''Elena''': Felicity?
:'''Meghan''': I know. I didn't think she had it in her either.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Felicity''': You think I'm dating Noel to get an appliance?
:'''Elena''': I think you're dating Noel ''and'' getting an appliance.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Felicity''': Who told you that?
:'''Elena''': ''[about Meghan]'' That Halloween costume you live with.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meghan''': Man, I had you pegged for this uptight, no-fun, like, follow-the-rules, kiss-ass bore.
:'''Felicity''': Well, that's actually much closer to my personality.

=== ''Spooked'' [1.05] ===
:'''Noel''': The Tin Man's in your room?
:'''Elena''': Will you shut up?!
:'''Noel''': Sure.
:'''Elena''': We just hung out and listened to music.
:'''Noel''': Fine. Whatever. Just be careful… I heard he doesn't have a heart.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sally''': I guess we all have our own war stories, but they're meant to be shared, they have to be, because these stories, they're what bring us together, and... they keep us alive.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben''': Not everybody's like you, all right? Crazy-sensitive and always judging everybody.
:'''Felicity''': I don't always judge everybody... I always judge you.

=== ''Cheating'' [1.06] ===
:'''Sally''': If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Noel''': I'm a big believer in the fact that the truth comes out whether you tell them or not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie''': He touched your teeth, it means something.
:'''Felicity''': My teeth don't mean anything.
:'''Julie''': Don't you think he touched her teeth?
:'''Felicity''': It was like a...flick.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Elena''': I need your advice about men.
:'''Felicity''': You need ''my'' advice about men?

=== ''Drawing the Line (1)'' [1.07] ===
:'''Elena''': Noel, you're giving me a speech.
:'''Noel''': It's a speech moment, you know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Felicity''': You know what?!
:'''Noel''': What?
:'''Felicity''': Maybe I AM a lovesick schoolgirl.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Noel''': I'm not going to be your girlfriend.
:'''Felicity''': Were you ever going to be my girlfriend?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Noel''': Why does anyone have a web page? Too much free time. Not enough friends. Justifying owning a computer.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie''': So what's going on? Are you and Ben...?
:'''Felicity''': Screwing? No. Talking? No.

=== ''Drawing the Line (2)'' [1.08] ===
:'''Sally''': Dear Felicity, it's amazing how we blame ourselves. You know when John died, I was a wreck. Certain, that somehow, cosmically, I'd caused that accident. It's probably just human nature to try to make sense of things. Random things. I think the scariest part is realizing that sometimes bad things just happen. No reason, no purpose. They just occur and we're left to pick up the pieces. I guess that's what we're all doing all the time, just picking up the pieces the best we can.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben''': ''[to Zach]'' See, the difference is, when you said, 'Stop,' I did.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Felicity''': You're not growing a goatee, are you?
:'''Noel''': Not with ''that'' tone in your voice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Story''': How much did that stuff taste like butter?
:'''Meghan''': I Can't Believe It's Not Butter? ''So'' much.

=== ''Thanksgiving'' [1.09] ===
:'''Sally''': Dear Felicity, I planned on spending Thanksgiving by myself this year. I thought it would be too hard to try and celebrate the holiday with new friends in this new place, but then Emmitt and a bunch of friends from work showed up at my place with all this food. It's incredible really, one minute your standing in this new city with nothing but your suitcase and then you look around and suddenly, you realize you're surrounded by family.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Felicity''': Julie, I'm gonna go wash these.
:'''Julie''': Okay. Try the men's room, it's got a bigger sink. Don't ask me how I know that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Felicity''': Can you guys excuse me for a minute?
:'''Julie''': Where are you going?
:'''Felicity''': Hyperventilate. I'll be right back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Felicity''': Can I just say one thing?
:'''Noel''': You never say ''one'' thing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Javier''': I said, &quot;Ma, if Nono's gonna be there for Thanksgiving, count me out.&quot;
:'''Felicity''': Good for you! What did she say?
:'''Javier''': There's a little space out back by the garage. She's gonna leave him out there.
:'''Felicity''': Wait, so, ah... Nono's a dog?
:'''Javier''': No.

=== ''Finally'' [1.10] ===
:'''Noel''': What the hell is this?
:'''Richard''': Oh hey man. Wanna burger?
:'''Noel''': Did it ever cross your mind Richard, that it might be against building code to have a cook out in your dorm room!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meghan''': What's your problem?
:'''Noel''': Wow, well, uh, I don't know where to begin...
:'''Meghan''': Hey, if you're actually gonna answer that question, could you not?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meghan''': You're gonna get real hyper, 'cause that powder's concentrated, like, 200 percent.
:'''Noel''': Stop talking so slowly!
:'''Meghan''': Wow!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Noel''': Have you seen Felicity?
:'''Elena''': Why don't you two put lo-jacks on each other?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Noel''': It's sad. He's got necrophilia.
:'''Felicity''': He sleeps with dead people?
:'''Noel''': No, I mean narcolepsy.

=== ''Gimme an O!'' [1.11] ===
:'''Felicity''': ''[to Noel]'' You and I should have sex.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Felicity''': ''[marking Day Planner]'' Noel... Sex. Is eight o'clock okay?
:'''Noel''': For sex? Eight o'clock... eight's good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Noel''': I have a pretty good reason to believe that Felicity's moved past Ben.

=== ''Friends'' [1.12] ===
:'''Noel''': Don't be jealous.
:'''Felicity''': I'm sure I'm supposed to be, but it's just too sad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Censa''': You could make a lot of money selling your hair. I know people.
:'''Felicity''': I'll keep that in mind.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Noel''': ''[at vending machine]'' I never pictured you as a 'Payday' kind of guy.
:'''Ben''': You, you picture me?
:'''Noel''': What! No! Uh, I just, I needed something to say, and that's unfortunately what came together.

=== ''Todd Mulcahy (1)'' [1.13] ===
:'''Blair''': Tara and I never slept together.
:'''Elena''': Well, you should. That way I know that you're sleeping with a bitch and she's left unsatisfied.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben''': Felicity's got a stalker.
:'''Sean''': 'Got' or 'is'?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Felicity''': He came all the way to New York, convinced that I'm, like, his soulmate or something.
:'''Ben''': Imagine that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Felicity''': I'm sort of in the same situation.
:'''Ben''': You're stalking somebody else? Who?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meghan''': ''[after piercing her nose]'' It's in. I can't even feel it. That's the first time I've said ''that''.

=== ''Todd Mulcahy (2)'' [1.14] ===
:'''Richard''': ''[about Felicity and Noel]'' You guys aren't breaking up are you? 'Cause that would really screw up my life.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Noel''': Hey, have you seen Felicity?
:'''Meghan''': I cannot wait for the day you stop asking me that question.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Todd''': Felicity, you know, I think that kiss was pretty damn good.
:'''Felicity''': Okay, you need to go home.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie''': I don't like hospitals. You know why?
:'''Noel''': Every really obvious reason?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Javier''': In my family, brutal honesty is the most valuable commodity. That, and rugalah.

=== ''Love and Marriage'' [1.15] ===
:'''Meghan''': Are you buying her a car?
:'''Felicity''': Meghan!
:'''Meghan''': What?! A friend of mine married a guy from Togo, he bought her a Montero!
:'''Felicity''': Well, he's not buying me a car.
:'''Javier''': Do you want a bicycle?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Noel''': Actually, I haven't been that supportive.
:'''Javier''': Oh. Well, then, no muffins for you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Felicity''': You don't seem exactly… straight.
:'''Javier''': ''[gasping]'' Really?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meghan''': ''[to Felicity]'' Man! Every time I think I got you pegged, you just do something completely bitchin'!

=== ''The Fugue'' [1.16] ===
:'''Felicity''': Uh, excuse me, Abby?
:'''Abby''': Yes, Felicity?
:'''Felicity''': You probably know this, I'm sure you do, but our old manager, Javier, actually did employee evaluations on all of us.
:'''Abby''': You're right. I do know that. But remarks like, &quot;a real cutie patootie,&quot; and &quot;when he makes a mochachino I get all tingly,&quot; were hard to quantify.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben''': ''[to Felicity]'' Noel would never choose to be with somebody else when he could be with you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie''': What are you doing?
:'''Felicity''': Spying. Blatantly spying.

=== ''Assassins'' [1.17] ===
:'''Elena''': Don't you dare let some mix tape make you go soft on Noel.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meghan''': ''[to Felicity]'' I thought getting some would have loosened you up a little; but, damn, you're worse than ever.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meghan''': ''[to Felicity]'' You snooze, you lose. Hey, that's what you should have told Noel when he threw a hissy fit about you banging the art student.

=== ''Happy Birthday'' [1.18] ===
:'''Mrs. Rotundi''': Do you like art?
:'''Meghan''': Felicity likes ''artists'', Mommy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Felicity''': We're just talking about this. ''[Holds up box]''
:'''Mrs. Rotundi''': Oh. What's that?
:'''Felicity''': Oh, it's just my secret box. No one is ever allowed to look inside of it, including Meghan. I drive her crazy with it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Felicity''': ''[to Meghan]'' And you know what the funny thing is? You probably wouldn't even care less what's inside the stupid box if I didn't keep taunting you with it, you know?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Elena''': ''[to Noel]'' I didn't say every guy was a jerk. I said ''you'' were a jerk.

=== ''Docuventary'' [1.19] ===
:'''Sean''': Noel, you guys mean more to each other than you think. Go talk to her! You know, really try and make this better! Fight for that relationship, and... let me videotape it.
:'''Noel''': No. It's over. OK, the fact is, I mean even... even if you forget for just a second that we both did horrible things to each other, Felicity never felt for me what I felt for her. And that's just the truth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meghan''': ''[to Sean]'' If they get back together I'm gonna throw up, and I'm not kidding, I'm gonna vomit on this carpet. And you can videotape it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sean''': What's it like living with Felicity?
:'''Meghan''': It's like living with a TV. That's always playing ''Little House on the Prairie''. Only with more sweaters...
:'''Sean''': Anything else?
:'''Meghan''': Yeah. If Noel asks me one more time if I've seen Felicity, I'm gonna kill him! Are you listening, Mr. R.A.? Here's the answer, for the rest of your life--'I HAVEN'T SEEN FELICITY!'

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sean''': Do you have an opinion about Felicity and Noel?
:'''Meghan''': Yeah. First of all, no one cares less than me. Second of all, GET OVER IT, Noel! She slept with an artist, it doesn't matter!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Noel''': So you want me to change my life so you can make a better documentary?
:'''Sean''': Would you mind?

=== ''Connections'' [1.20] ===
:'''Ben''': ''[About his mom]'' She finally left my dad, and has a chance to be happy for the first time in her life..ever. I know that if she knew what was going here, she would be so worried. I've screwed up her life enough.
:'''Felicity''': Maybe you should let her worry. I mean may be that's not such a bad thing. I mean they're still your parents. Maybe you should let your mom, be your mom. Let her take care of you. Let her worry about you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Noel''': ''[about Felicity]'' We're starting over. It's all about foundations and rebuilding.
:'''Richard''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Noel''': I have no idea.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Felicity''': I thought that maybe you had hated me just a little.
:'''Abby''': Maybe I do. You're young, perky. And then there's the hair.

=== ''The Force'' [1.21] ===
:'''Felicity''': I thought you liked Nicole.
:'''Ben''': I did. I did! It's just she's been sending these signals... that she's interested in me.
:'''Felicity''': What kind of signals?
:'''Ben''': Well, she, uh, she kissed me.
:'''Felicity''': What?!
:'''Ben''': Yeah. That was one signal. And then she came over last night... she took her clothes off, which was signal number two.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Felicity''': How is burning my hair going to help you with your finals?
:'''Meghan''': Wouldn't ''you'' like to know?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Felicity''': Meghan, what's going on?
:'''Meghan''': What does it look like?
:'''Felicity''': Yeah. I have no idea.

=== ''Felicity Was Here'' [1.22] ===
:'''Advisor''': Are you still thinking about becoming an R.A?
:'''Felicity''': I don't think so.
:'''Advisor''': Really?
:'''Felicity''': Yeah, I'm...um, kind of feeling like who am I to be giving anyone advice?
:'''Advisor''': You're someone who's been through it. (pause) So... see you next year?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Felicity''': ''[to the advisor]'' I just hope this whole year wasn't for nothing. I hope I learned something. When I came here. I didn't know anyone. I mean, even the boy I followed to New York was a stranger, which,it turns out is why I followed him to New York. There were people here that I never met. Who,just became so important to me, it's like... I don't know... I guess they just felt like real friends. I bet you get this a lot, right? Kids at the end of their freshman year crying about their lives... about the way things turned out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Felicity''': ''[to Sally]'' Is it just me, or did this year go by faster than ever? I mean, it actually seems like time is speeding up. Lately, I have been getting up earlier everyday. I don't know why. I guess it's the excitement of the end of the year or something. I've only got a few days left.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben''': ''[to Felicity]'' How come everything has to have so much meaning? I mean, I've never met someone so desperate for meaning.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Felicity''': You and I both know that if we were to drive across the country, it would never be platonic.
:'''Ben''': So?
:...
:'''Felicity''': I can't be having this conversation, because I am the devil.
:'''Ben''': You keep saying you're the devil. I'll tell you what: you are not the devil.
:'''Felicity''': What if I am? Then what?
:'''Ben''': Then I'd still want you to come with me.
:'''Felicity''': You would not!
:'''Ben''': Yes I would.
:'''Felicity''': First of all, you would not want me to go with you if I were the devil. And secondly, it's not just us. There are other people involved.
:'''Ben''': Yeah, but I like you. I can't help it.
:...
:'''Ben''': Where are you going?
:'''Felicity''': I don't know. It's a flight reflex.
:''[Ben kisses Felicity. Felicity stares ahead in shock]''
:'''Ben''': I've been wanting to do that for a long time.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Keri Russell|Keri Russell]] - Felicity Porter
* [[w:Scott Speedman|Scott Speedman]] - Ben Covington
* [[w:Scott Foley|Scott Foley]] - Noel Crane 
* [[w:Amy Jo Johnson|Amy Jo Johnson]] - Julie Emrick 
* [[w:Tangi Miller|Tangi Miller]] - Elena Tyler 
* [[w:Greg Grunberg|Greg Grunberg]] - Sean Blumberg 
* [[w:Amanda Foreman (actress)|Amanda Foreman]] - Meghan Rotundi 
* [[w:Ian Gomez|Ian Gomez]] - Javier Clemente Quintata 

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} 
* {{imdb title|0134247|Felicity}}

[[Category:2000s American teen drama TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:College TV shows]]
[[Category:WB shows]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>189346</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147725</id>
      <parentid>3122688</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T20:17:51Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* External links */ r/m Template:Tv.com show</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="9839" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 1)|1]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 2)|2]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 3)|3]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 4)|4]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 5)|5]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 6)|6]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 7)|7]] | [[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1]] | [[Aqua Something You Know Whatever]] | [[Aqua TV Show Show]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force|'''Main''']]
----
&lt;br&gt;
:''Aqua Teen won't ever be cancelled!''
:''Aqua Teen won't be dismantled!''
:''Aqua Teen, we're gonna be together!''
:''Aqua Teen, we're gonna be forever!''
'''''[[w:Aqua Teen Hunger Force|Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]''''', (also known by various [[w:Aqua Teen Hunger Force#Alternative titles|alternative titles]]), (2000–15) is an [[w:animated series|animated television series]] from the [[w:Cartoon Network|Cartoon Network]]'s [[w:Adult Swim|Adult Swim]] programming block.  The show follows the exploits of three [[w:anthropomorphic|anthropomorphic]] fast food items: [[w:Master Shake|Master Shake]], the milkshake; [[w:Frylock|Frylock]], the carton of French fries; and [[w:Meatwad|Meatwad]], the aptly named wad of meat.

===Brain Fairy===
:'''Meatwad''': Frylock be sleeping late today.
:'''Shake''': Yeah, when is he gonna get up and make us breakfast? It's passed noon.
:'''Meatwad''': You don't think he's dead, do you?
:'''Shake''': Well, there's only one way to find out. (Airhorn blows) WAKE YOUR SORRY ASS UP!
:'''Frylock''': Ear hurty!
:'''Shake''': Yeah, that's right. And stomach growly, so get crackin'!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Frylock''': (trying to cook breakfast) Ow, hot, hot, hot! Ow, hot, hot, hot!
:'''Shake''': Yes, you have reached a suitable temperature. Now cook the crepes!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Frylock''': What the hell? You were just gonna let me drown, weren't you? Weren't you?
:'''Shake''': No. I mean, yeah, Chum. (Shake laughs)
:'''Carl''': What the hell? You were just gonna let me walk home from Crotch Town, weren't you?
:'''Meatwad'': Hey, Carl, guess what? I got my driver's license!
:'''Carl''': Good for you. Where is my car?!
:'''Meatwad''': Oh, yeah. Some big black guy drove it and dumped it in the ocean. That's how they do.

===The Hairy Bus===
:'''Hairy Bus''': So you guys trying to &quot;Murder&quot; me?
:'''Carl''': Ah, you ain't alive. You're a bus.
:'''Hairy Bus''': I live just as &quot;You&quot;, sir.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Frylock''': Carl, why do you have a hacksaw?
:'''Carl''': We're Going to see &quot;Texas Hacksaw Massacre&quot;. Don't Worry, it teaches kids lessons, like, you know, avoid Texas at all costs.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Carl''': No, no, no, no, no! We ain't got room for you!
:'''Master Shake''': You have a hatch back here, right?
:'''Carl''': I've got a woofer in there. And when I crank it, it'll make you go doo doo all over my car, so...
:'''Master Shake''': Well then, where am I gonna sit?
:'''Carl''': Oh I don't know, you can sit, uh, on &quot;This&quot;... AND ROTATE!
:'''Meatwad''': Good one, Carl.
:'''Carl''': YOU TEED UP FOR ME AND KNOCKED IT OUT OF THE PARK!
:'''Master Shake''': I hope the theater burns down, with you two in it, while you're holding hands! Great, now I gotta be here with you! Frickin' ladies' night!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Frylock''': Okay, he said just look for a bus, like him, but shaved.
:'''Carl''': Or we could just play some slots and get a cheap hooker for a couple hours. I still have 20 dollars. You gotta be a real bargain hunter to find someone who'd do both of us.
:'''Frylock''': Carl, I can't just let it die. I signed the online Hippocratic oath.
:'''Carl''': Why do you gotta get a moral?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Frylock''': Hey, how was the movie, Meatwad? And why are you covered in blood and chassis grease?
:'''Meatwad''': It was good, nothing.
:'''Carl''': Hey, how's that surgery class going? Are you like, uh, licensed yet? You know, how to do it now?
:'''Frylock''': Carl, what the hell, man?!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Carl''': (about the Hairy Bus) Oh, man! Look! That's the Hairy Bus! The ultimate party vehicle. Ratt rented that when they toured Jersey for their &quot;Round and Round and Round Yet Again&quot; tour! It's got a DJ booth, a dance flor, a kegerator, a stripper pole, a hot tub, a two-story waterfall, and massage parlor.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hairy Bus''': Wha-What did you have frickin' Christmas while you were down there? It's about goddamn time.
:'''Master Shake''': Frylock! Could you see if I can get my $550 back?
:'''Hairy Bus''': Nah, should've put it on the card.
:'''Master Shake''': When I get out of here, I'm gonna sue this bus for not being fun, and then, I'm gonna bitch-slap all of you for not letting me go to the movies with you! And anyone left standing when I get out is gonna be hurtin'!
:'''Frylock''': Ride the bus to bus hell, you bus!
:'''Hairy Bus''': Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, wrong hole!
:'''Master Shake''': Man, you gotta suck!

===Sweet C===
:'''Carl:''' So you shrink me down, and then when I watch TV it's like a big screen at, like, At the Metalheads or something, right? Yeah!
:'''Frylock:''' That's right man, let's do it!
:'''Carl:''' Uh, wait. Hold on, now.
:'''Frylock:''' Oops, sorry. Did you say something?
:'''Carl:''' I mean, you know, I wanted to think about it for a second. I mean...
:'''Frylock:''' Oh, shoot. You know what, I...I kinda already did it.
:'''Carl''': But, I've got an idea here. You make me normal sized again, and then you make my TV &quot;Huge&quot;!
:'''Frylock:''' Come on, Carl. That's not realistic. I Mean, Where would you put it?
:'''Carl:''' What do you mean? You can put in the backyard, right next to the pool. Let's do that, this don't work for me. This remote's hard to do now.
:'''Frylock:''' No, man, this works good. See, you just gotta jump up and down the buttons a couple of times, you'll get it.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
: '''Carl:''' There's only one queen I listen to, and they are the champions, my friend. Not her.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
: '''Carl:''' Now you listen to me, and I'mma tell you where to tell her where to go. You gotta give her the business. The Bees-ness!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Carl:''' Bees, unite on my brain. Give me a mighty bumble mullet. Because I cannot afford plugs, even on their financing plan.
:'''Frylock:''' Stop right there!
:'''Carl:''' Buzz off, Fryman, and leave us &quot;bee&quot;!

===Rabbit, Not Rabbot===
:'''Dr. Zord''': Randy!
:'''Randy''': Alright, I'm coming.
:'''Dr. Zord''': We have a non-believer in our midst.
:'''Randy''': A non-believer, huh? Well, what do you say we just pee in the fountain?
:'''Dr. Zord''': That's what we're doing, Randy! That's what we're doing!

:'''Shake''': I'm not a rabbit.
:'''Meatwad''': You are a rabbit.
:'''Shake''': No, I'm not.
:'''Meatwad''': Yes, you are.
:'''Shake''': I'm not a Sucking rabbit!
:'''Carl''': It's been six months. Anyone who wants a tarantula for Christmas, I don't wanna be with
:'''Meatwad''': I don't know why y'all complaining. These pellets are delicious.

===The Greatest Story Ever Told===
: '''Meatwad:''' What we gonna do today?
: '''Master Shake:''' Not “today”, Meatwad. It’s the first day of eternity, because I just found out... that I’m Done immortal!
: '''Meatwad:''' Well, congratu-damn-lations!
: '''Master Shake:''' Thank you.
: '''Meatwad:''' That’s a big deal.
: '''Master Shake:''' Yea-heah!
: '''Meatwad:''' Question: am ''I'' immortal?
: '''Master Shake:''' I ''hope'' not, but you could be! You know, he loves the poor and the gross and slimy and worthless and... look at you! You’re all those things!
: '''Meatwad:''' Who you talking about? Who love me?
: '''Master Shake:''' ''[taps chest]'' The guy in here, man. And the guy in here. The Bible.
: '''Meatwad:''' ...this says “The Bibble.”
: '''Master Shake:''' ''YOU'' '''''QUESTION THE WORDS OF THE MIGHTY JIMMY?!?!?!?!?'''''
: '''Meatwad:''' No! I would never-
: '''Master Shake:''' ''[kneels]'' You’d better kneel down and pray to Jimmy with me '''''RIGHT FREAKING NOW!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
: '''Meatwad:''' Why can’t Frylock be immortal? 
: '''Master Shake:''' He’ll never enter the kingdom with us.
: '''Meatwad:''' What kingdom?
: '''Master Shake:''' Kingdom...of...Kong! It’s in the book.
: '''Frylock:''' The Bibble, Jimmy and Kingdom Kong.
: '''Master Shake:''' It’s up in the clouds with Lando, and didn’t I tell you to suck it?! And I don’t hear any gluck, gluck, gluck, gluck!
: '''Frylock:''' You know this book is self-published?
: '''Master Shake:''' Yes, like many ancient texts.
: '''Frylock:''' On the back of a bunch of pharmacy labels?
: '''Master Shake:''' Do not '''''blaspheme''''' the book of Clozapine! Come on, Meatwad. Follow me down the righteous path. Begone, ye Fryman!
: '''Frylock:''' I live here. ''You’re'' the one who’s leaving.
: '''Master Shake:''' And leaving we are! Onward...so.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frylock:''' Least they're still trying to electrocute Carl. How many days he's gonna do this?
:''[Carl in the electric chair, gets shocked]''
:'''Carl:''' That felt good!
:''[Carl gets electrocuted again]''
:'''Carl:''' How b-b-bout you crank it up b-b-bitch?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[last lines of the series; Master Shake, Frylock, and Meatwad have been watching the final episode the whole time on TV, and are utterly disappointed]''
: '''Master Shake:''' Come on, really?
: '''Carl:''' So that's it. That's how they end this series?
: '''Frylock:''' Yeah, I guess so.
: '''Meatwad:''' We still got a few seconds left. Let's do a joke. Let's do like, a joke or something.

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title||Aqua Teen Hunger Force}}	 

[[Category:Aqua Teen Hunger Force seasons]]

{| class=&quot;wikitable&quot; border=&quot;1&quot; style=&quot;width:100%; text-align: center;&quot;
| width=&quot;30%&quot; | Preceded by&lt;br&gt;'''''[[Aqua TV Show Show]]'''''
|}
{{Adult Swim}}</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Robot Chicken (season 4)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>190031</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147703</id>
      <parentid>3146364</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T20:04:18Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* P.S. Yes, In That Way [4.6] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
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      <text bytes="73032" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
The following is a list of quotes from the fourth season of ''[[Robot Chicken]]''.

===Help Me [4.1]===
:'''Edward''': Steve, you and your wife are wonderful hosts. I'm being sincere.
:'''Steve''': You know, Julie, I don't think you ever got a tour of the house.
:'''Julie''': You're right.
:'''Steve''': Well, come on.
:''[Steve and Julie go upstairs giggling]''
:'''Edward''': More apple pie for us, huh?
:'''Steve's wife''': Oh, you. ''[doorbell rings]'' Who could that be? ''[opens the door]''
:'''Fanfare''': ''[singing] Trojan Man!
:'''Trojan Man''': ''[on horseback]'' Excuse me, madam, but I am needed upstairs!
:'''Steve's wife''': Steve!
:''[Trojan Man rides upstairs, with Edward and Steve's wife following. The following dialogue is unseen]''
:'''Fanfare''': Trojan Man!
:'''Steve''': Keep it down.
:'''Steve's wife''': I knew you acted weird around Julie, you bastard!
:'''Trojan Man''': Put this on your penis.
:'''Steve''': Get off! Get off me! Get off me!
:'''Edward''': Julie, how could you?!
:'''Julie''': My clothes just fell off.
:'''Trojan Man''': Her vagina will appreciate your forethought!
:'''Edward''': Will you shut the ''[bleep]'' up already?! Shut up!
:'''Steve's wife''': I am leaving you!
:'''Fanfare''': Trojan Man!
:'''Edward''': Hey, watch the horse! That was my grandma's– ''[crash]'' Oh, no, you broke it!
:'''Trojan Man''': That would never happen to a Trojan condom.
:'''Fanfare''': ''[singing]'' Trojan Man!
:'''Edward''': ''[crying]'' You said my problem didn't bother you.
:'''Julie''': It doesn't. I mean, Edward, this doesn't change anything.
:'''Edward''': It changes everything!
:'''Trojan Man''': A reservoir tip is for your semen!
:'''Julie''': I got to get out of here. ''[leaves the house, with Edward following her]''
:'''Edward''': You're a whore! You ruined my life, you whore!
:''[Long pause]''
:'''Trojan Man''': I guess I'd better go.
:'''Fanfare''': ''[singing]'' Trojan Man!
:'''Steve''': ''[as Trojan Man rides out]'' Yeah, why don't you just get the ''[bleep]'' outta here? How about that?
:'''Fanfare''': ''[singing]'' Trojan Man!
:'''Trojan Man''': ''[leaving a box of condoms]'' Just in case.
:'''Announcer''': For when you wanna ''[bleep]''! Yeah!

===They Took My Thumbs [4.2]===
:'''Wonder Woman''': You young heroes are so much more than mere sidekicks, you're the future of Justice League of America. Mentoring your progress gives me enormous amount of pride. ''[Kid Flash steals Wonder Woman's suit and heroes gasped]'' Whoa! What the ''[bleep]''?!?! ''[Kid Flash giggles]'' Give me those you little ''[bleep]''stain!
:'''Flash''': I am very, very disappointed in you, boy. ''[whispering]'' Super-speed high five.
:''[Justice League Heroes waves a good-bye for young heroes to teleport and they fell down in a volcano on another planet. Justice League Heroes gasped]''
:'''Wonder Woman''': What happened?
:'''Martian Manhunter''': It wasn't me! Martian Boyhunter did it!

===I'm Trapped [4.3]===
:'''Man 1'''': Hey, who packed my chute?
:'''Man 2''': I did. Why? Don't you trust me?
:'''Man 1''': Are you gonna jump, or are we just gonna jerk each other off?
:''[Long pause. Cut to outside shot of the plane and the door slides shut]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''James Bond''': I was wrong about you, Christmas Jones.
:'''Christmas Jones''': How so?
:'''James Bond''': I thought Christmas only came once a year.
:'''Christmas Jones''': ''[giggles]'' Oh, James.
:''[They kiss; cut to the secret lab where James enters]''
:'''Technician 1''': There he is!
:'''Technician 2''': Oh, I heard you saved the world again!
:'''Technician 1''': So you and Christmas Jones, huh? I can't believe you're tapping that!
:'''James Bond''': Sorry to break it to you, boys. Miss Jones is already yesterday's news.
:''[Flashback shows James and Christmas riding in the car]''
:'''Christmas Jones''': This is me, up on the left.
:'''James Bond''': ''[getting carried away]'' Oh, that's odd. I'd have thought you lived on 34th street.
:'''Christmas Jones''': ''[nervous chuckle]'' Oh, right, because of...my name. Ha.
:''[Scene shows James having sex with Christmas]''
:'''James Bond''': All right, love, time to dick your halls.
:'''Christmas Jones''': Could you maybe stop doing the pun thing?
:'''James Bond''': I can't believe I made it this far into Christmas without wrapping my present.
:'''Christmas Jones''': Wha-wait a second! I'm not on the pill!
:'''James Bond''': Well, I hope you've been dreaming of a white Christmas.
:'''Christmas Jones''': ''[pushes James back on the side of the bed]'' Ugh! I just got a headache.
:'''James Bond''': So, when do I get to meet your friends?
:'''Christmas Jones''': Uh...
:''[Scene cuts to the club party]''
:'''James Bond''': ''[to the party goers]'' So I said, &quot;I thought Christmas only came once a year!&quot;
:'''Christmas Jones''': ''[embarrassed]'' James...
:'''Male Party Goer''': This guy's a tool.
:'''Christmas Jones''': No, no. He's got a really cool car.
:''[Scene shows James and Christmas at the restaurant]''
:'''James Bond''': You're breaking up with me?
:'''Christmas Jones''': There's nothing wrong with you, James. Maybe it's just an age thing.
:'''James Bond''': What, you think I'm too old for Christmas?
:'''Christmas Jones''': ''[nervous chuckle]'' If that helps you, yes.
:''[Cuts to James, who is drunk, crying for being dumped]''
:'''James Bond''': ''[sobbing; takes out a pen gun, and clicks, but it's empty]'' Oh, come on! One of these ''[bleep]''ing things has to be loaded! ''[groans, cries]''
:''[Cut back to the present]''
:'''James Bond''': So I just looked at her, and I said, &quot;Well, I'm sorry, dear, but I'm canceling Christmas!&quot;
:'''Technician 1''': Oh, you dog!
:'''Technician 2''': You're always humping and dumping.
:'''Technician 1''': You're the best, James!
:'''James Bond''': Ah, you know me, I got to be James. ''[chuckles, whimpers]''

===In a DVD Factory [4.4]===
:''[Man shoots a werewolf with a handgun to no effect]''
:'''Werewolf''': Only a silver bullet can kill me.
:''[Man pulls out a minigun and shoots the werewolf to a bloody pulp. He mops it into a bucket, pours gasoline on it, and sets it on fire. When he gets home, he chops the resulting ashes into lines and snorts it like cocaine, after which he violently craps it into a toilet. The crap is processed in a sewage treatment plant. Cut to three kids playing Dungeons &amp; Dragons in a basement]''
:'''Dungeonmaster''': The book says he's still not dead. It has to be a silver bullet.
:'''Knight''': That's a bunch of crap!

===Tell My Mom [4.5]===
:'''Spongebob''': But Sandy! How can you be pregnant? You said you had a sponge in your- ''[realizing]'' Oh, you meant ''me.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Billy Joel and Davy are at a bar drinking beer]''
:'''Billy Joel''': Hey, there. I'm Billy. Billy Joel. What's your name?
:'''Davy''': Davy.
:'''Billy Joel''': And what do you do?
:'''Davy''': I'm in the navy.
:'''Billy Joel''': How long will you do that, do you think?
:'''Davy''': Uh, probably for life.
:'''Billy Joel''': Cool. &quot;Davy&quot; rhymes with &quot;navy.&quot; That's convenient.
:'''Davy''': What?! You'd better not use me in a song, man! I'm on the run from a lot of creditors!
:'''Billy Joel''': No problem, Davy.
:''[Billy Joel prepares to leave when he hits Davy in the head with his bottle of alcohol. Cut to Billy Joel tossing Davy's body into the sea from a pier with a bar on it]''
:'''Billy Joel''': I have absorbed your story, my friend. As the Ancients ate the hearts of lions to gain their strengths! You are one with the Joel now! One with the Joel! ''[laughs evilly as thunder and lightning clashes]''
:''[A caption then appears saying &quot;Billy Joel's single Piano Man was an international smash hit in 1974.&quot; Another caption appears that says &quot;Today it is most downloaded iTunes song.&quot; A final caption appears and says &quot;Davy's body was never recovered.&quot;]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Annie''': Leapin' lizards, Molly! It sure is a hard knock life— 
:'''Molly''': ''[interrupting]'' Actually, we're very lucky Annie.
:'''Annie''': Being an orphan sure don't feel lucky.
:'''Molly''': Then try being an orphan in the Phillipines where hundreds of thousands of orphans are forced into prostitution thanks to sex tourism. In Africa, AIDS has created millions of orphans who won't live to see puberty.
:'''Annie''': Well...I sure don't like that mean ol' Miss Hannigan—!
:'''Molly''': What don't you like exactly? 3 meals a day? A warm bed? Not being HIV positive? Not perfoming fellatio on foreign business men?
:''[Annie went silent, taken aback]''
:'''Molly''': That's what you don't like?
:'''Annie''': Uhh...I think I'm gonna go sweep over there for a while Molly.
:''[Annie walks to her right to where Pepper is washing clothes in a bucket]''
:'''Annie''': Gee, Pepper! Miss Hannigan sure is mean!
:'''Pepper''': Yeah! I hate that bitch!
:''[TIME JUMP: 6 months later]''
:'''Daddy Warbucks''' We sure had a grand adventure, Annie! Your quick wits and spunky can-do spirit saved us all! Is there anything my limitless power and billions of dollars can do for you?
:'''Molly's voice''': Overseas orphans! Fellatio on foreign business men! HIV and AIDS!
:'''Annie''': Hmm...nope!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prince''': ''[arrives outside the tower]'' Ahoy!
:'''Princess''': Is that my prince?! Oh, I knew you'd save me!
:'''Prince''': Stand back, my love. We will soon be together.
:'''Princess''': It won't be long now before my prince takes me in his arms and- ''[but is hit in the back of the head by the prince's hook which makes her smash into a birdcage]'' Careful, my prince! You almost- ''[the prince throws his hook again and it attaches to the her dress and drags her to the window. The hook is thrown in again, but hits the chandelier and shatters it's glass. The shards fall onto the princess and stabs her eyes; making her blind]'' Aaaahhh!!! It's raining glass! I'm blind! Please, stop throwing the hook! ''[the hook hits her in the head, and then is hooked to her clothing dresser]'' Is that you, my prince?! ''[the dresser falls onto her, smashing and killing her. Blood spills everywhere]''
:'''Prince''': ''[climbing]'' I'm coming, my dear! ''[reaches the window and lands on the floor]'' Ah-hah! Now hurry, my love. We don't have much ti- ''[seeing the princess' blood splattered as she was crushed to death]'' Oh, geez! You're not even packed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Outside shot of Davey drowning in the bay, cuts to inside where Billy Joel is singing his song]''
:'''Billy Joel''': ''[singing]'' Pete is a real estate novelist.
:'''Pete''' ''[while typing on his laptop]'': Hey, that's me!
:'''Billy Joel''': ''[singing]'' That's a cute way of saying &quot;Pete's broke.&quot;
:'''Pete''': ''[confused]'' What?
:'''Billy Joel''': ''[singing]'' I'll laugh at his life while I’m humping his wife,''
:'''Pete''': ''[shocked]'' Sheila?!
:'''Billy Joel''': ''[singing]'' Cause Pete’s tiny shlong is a joke. ''[Pete looks horrified]'' My piano, it sounds like God's symphony! And my microphone smells like the poor. ''[a man puts money in Billy's tip jar]'' They put bread in my cup and their lives all suck.
:'''Man''': ''[shocked]'' Huh?!
:'''Billy Joel''': ''[singing]'' If I quit this gig, they lose all interest in living, since life would have no meaning, and they'd blow their brains out on to the floor. ''[the crowd begins to boo]'' La, da, di, da, da! ''[pulls out a gun while singing and the crowd falls silent]'' La, di, di, dolly da! Down on your knees! I'm the Piano God! Pray to the songs that I've sung! Tell me I'm too good to work here! Then put my balls right on your tongue! ''[smiles as the song ends]''
:''[Outside the bar, Billy counts his &quot;earnings&quot;]''
:'''Billy Joel''': Great. All singles.
:'''Pete''': ''[off-screen in a creepy voice]'' Hey Joel.
:''[Pete comes up from behind and stabs Billy repeatedly until Billy finally falls over dead. Pete wipes his brow and sighs happily. Pete's phone rings and he answers, also happily]''
:'''Pete's agent:''' Pete? This is your agent! The publishers loved your novel! Time to quit the real estate biz, brother! Oh, by the way, the hospital called, and your wife died of crotch rot. Sorry, man.
:''[Pete closes his phone. The shot switches to overhead as Pete looks to the sky]''
:'''Pete''': POETIC JUSTICE!!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Tony Stark walks into his home, only to find Nick Fury in it]''
:'''Tony''': Who the hell are you?
:'''Nick Fury''': Nick Fury, director of S.H.I.E.L.D. I've come to talk to you about the Avengers Initiative.
:'''Tony''': At my house? In the middle of the night? And who the hell are ''you''?
:''[Camera pans to a burglar holding what appears to be a TV]''
:'''Nick''': Run, stupid! ''[he and the burglar run away, knocking over Stark in the process]''

===P.S. Yes, In That Way [4.6]===
:'''Mario''': You know, Donkey Kong, at $137 a barrel, this is a tremendous a-waste. ''[takes a barrel]'' I keep it a-now.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Strawberry Shortcake and her friends are giggling and singing, when suddenly we hear Black Cherry Pie scream]''
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': ''[screams]'' Ahhhh!!! Someone's stolen my black cherry!
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': Oh no, Black Cherry Pie! Your black cherry is gone?!
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': Yes! I bet it was Fudge Turnover, he loves black cherries!
:''[Cut to Fudge Turnover]''
:'''Fudge Turnover''': I'd NEVER take someone's Black Cherry without their consent!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[appears]'' Mmmm, that's not what I heard.
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Oh shut up, Bitch Pudding!
:''[Cut to the Purple Pieman's house, where he is sitting in his armchair. A rock smashes through his window]''
:'''Purple Pieman''': ''[startled]'' Son of a bitch!
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': We're berry mad at you!
:'''Purple Pieman''': Get off my lawn, you stupid bitches!
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': You stole my black cherry!
:'''Purple Pieman''': Sorry honey, I'm into Asian chicks. ''[smells fire and turns around to find his house is on fire]'' Fire? FIRE! My valuables! ''[runs to his framed photos of his mother and Rachael Ray]'' Mama! Rachael Ray! Only time to save-a-one of you... ''[takes the signed photo of Rachel Ray off of the wall and runs out of the house, but Strawberry Shortcake, Blueberry Muffin, and Black Cherry Pie all stone the Purple Pieman to death while yelling at him in unison]'' Ahhh, you ''[bleep]''ing twats! Oh ho! Ahh-eyah! Oh! Ahh! You bitches! ''[falls down dead]''
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': I'm not sure how this gets my black cherry back...
:''[The three dump the Purple Pieman's body into a grave they have dug]''
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': Nobody says a ''[bleep]''ing word, or we all go to Rikers Island for a berry berry berry long time!
:'''Huckleberry Pie''': ''[shows up, eating Black Cherry Pie's black cherry]'' Hey, wazzup?
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': ''[gasps]'' My black cherry! Huckleberry Pie, you asshole! I can't beleive you took my black cherry! ''[chases a laughing Huckleberry Pie off-screen]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': I heard she left home because her daddy took her black cherry. ''[the others look confusedly]'' BLAM! You all get a taste of the Bitch Pudding!

===Love, Maurice [4.7]===
:'''Singer:''' I wanna rock! ''[a rock is thrown at him]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:O. J. Simpson|O.J. Simpson]]:''' Oh my! What did you do?! 
:'''[[Who Framed Roger Rabbit|Roger Rabbit]]:''' What did I do? [[Strangers on a Train (film)|We had a deal]]. Now, it's your turn to kill [[w:Jessica Rabbit|my wife]].
:'''O.J. Simpson:'''  I can't take the life of another human being.
:'''Roger Rabbit:''' P-P-P-P-Please?
:'''O.J. Simpson:''' No!
:'''Roger Rabbit:''' But, but, but, but, but, we had a deal. See? You don't wanna see me when I'M STEAMED!! ''[causes steam to come out of himself]'' Take care of my wife or it's curtains for you!
:'''O.J. Simpson:''' Oh no!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''O.J. Simpson:''' ''[repeated line]'' Don't get cut, bitch!

===Two Weeks without Food [4.08]===
:''[We start on a gray background with the title: &quot;GREAT MOMENTS IN DUMB KID HISTORY&quot; between two white lines]''
:'''Announcer''': Great moments in dumb kid history!
:''[A woman is seen driving her car with her two children behind her and her son poking his sister repeatedly]''
:'''Mother''': ''[getting annoyed]'' If you touch your sister one more time, I am driving this car into a lake!
:''[After a few seconds, her son sneakily does it anyway, causing her to get totally fed up and start driving ferociously into a lake. Before she can, however, we cut to static]''

===But Not in That Way [4.09]===
:'''Black Manta''': ''[narrating]'' The Joker came to Arkham Asylum in the summer of aught nine. I know as much because I remember thinking, &quot;That is the whitest son of a bitch I have ever seen.&quot; ''[the Joker enters the warden's office]'' He had a funny way about him, not &quot;ha-ha&quot; funny, more &quot;stab-stab&quot; funny.
:'''Joker''': ''[on the microphone]'' Welcome back to Arkham's Top 40. The Riddler writes: &quot;Joker, can you please play 'Who Let the Dogs Out?'&quot; ''[through speaker]'' Well, Riddler, here's your deathroom dedication.
:'''Riddler''': ''[triumphantly]'' Yes!
:'''Black Manta''':''[narrating]'' He even found a way to fool the Sodomites.
:'''Sodomite''': Come here, Joker. I'm gonna fill that balloon up real good. ''[the camera shows a Joker balloon]''
:'''Black Manta''': ''[narrating]'' And despite appearances, we became friends.
:'''Joker''': I hear you're a man who can get things.
:'''Black Manta''': Well, that depends.
:'''Joker''': I need a large poster of Phyllis Diller.
:'''Black Manta''': That may take time.
:'''Joker''': Time's the one thing I've got. ''[long pause]'' Well, that and dementia.
:''[Later at night]''
:'''Batman''': ''[checking the name list]'' Scarecrow; check. Two-Face; check. Joker? ''[not responding]'' Joker, you better be sick or dead in there or I ''[bleep]'' you not!
:'''Black Manta''': ''[narrating]'' I remember thinking it would take a man a hundred years to tunnel out of Arkham.
:'''Batman''': ''[enters the Joker's empty prison cell]'' What the hell?!
:'''Black Manta''': ''[narrating]'' The Joker did it in just two days. ''[laughs]'' Clearly, I gots trouble with the math.
:'''Batman''': ''[takes off the poster of Phyllis Diller to reveal the hole in the wall]'' Think you can escape in the sewer line, huh, Joker?! Not with the Batman on your tail! ''[in the sewer pipe]'' Ugh, smells like Batman Forever.
:'''Joker''': ''[revealed, laughing]'' Sucker!
:'''Black Manta''': ''[narrating]'' But what we didn't know was that the Joker hadn't actually left yet.
:'''Joker''': Buffalo wings, do your thing! ''[takes a crap and flushes toilet]''
:'''Batman''': Ughh! Hello, there's a man down there; please don't flush anything for a while!
:'''Joker''': Oooowhee! Forget about The Green Mile, try walking the brown mile!
:'''Batman''': ''[getting flushed on]'' Oh, God, oh, God! ''[crap takes him out of the sewer]''
:'''Black Manta''': ''[narrating]'' Batman crawled through a river of ''[bleep]'' 500 yards long. I remember thinking that was probably the length of five Ping-Pong tables; again, not so good with the math. I remember thinking you have to be pretty insane to play a joke, like that on the Batman.
:''[The rain and music immediately stops]''
:'''Batman''': Oh, come on!
:'''Black Manta''': ''[narrating]'' Then again, I remember thinking that was pretty damn funny.
:''[Batman hears the Joker laughing, and walks off; disappointed]''

===I Love Her [4.10]===
:'''Announcer''': And now back to ''Living Lohan''.
:'''Dina Lohan''': Ali, who drank all the ''[bleep]''ing orange juice?
:'''Ali Lohan''': I don't know mom, maybe the ''[bleep]''ing Orange Juice Fairy did it!
:'''Dina''': Don't get smart with me!
:'''Ali''': Well, don't you be a big ranting bitch face!
:'''Both''': I NEED A CIGARETTE!!
:'''Dina''': Augh! Why are all these cameras always invading my privacy?
:''[Gyro-Robo is playing next to a sprinkler in his yard with a broom]''
:'''Daniel/Gyro-Robo''': Sorry, Cobra Commander, but your Weather Dominator, currently stuck on rain, apparently, is no match for the ninja skills of Snake Eyes! ''[Ali peers over the fence looking at Gyro-Robo]'' Oops, supposed to be me.
:'''Ali''': Ha, ha, ha, ha! What are you doing?
:'''Daniel/Gyro-Robo''': That is no concern of yours, civilian! Identify yourself at once! Preferably with a capable, shapeable file card.
:'''Ali''': I'm Ali Lohan. Duh! My mom and I just moved into this crappy neighborhood to shoot our TV show, called Living Lohan.
:'''Daniel/Gyro-Robo''': Aren't you a little young to be smoking?
:'''Ali''': Aren't you a little fat to be fat? Knock-knock. Who's there? You love food! ''[jumps off the fence]''
:'''Daniel's Mother''': Honey, were you talking to the new neighbor? I think their dog's been pooping in our yard.
:'''Daniel/Gyro-Robo''': What? Awww, poop! ''[goes to Lindsay's kitchen]''
:'''Lindsay Lohan''': Go to hell, Mom! I told you! I'm not gonna be on your show! It's demeaning to my career. ''[makes &quot;cut&quot; sign to camera man]'' I'm gonna try that again with 10 percent more conviction. Or possibly, 1000 PERCENT!!! ''[doorbell rings]'' Who in God's green Smurf are you?
:'''Daniel/Gyro-Robo''': Madame, does it look like my name is Tripwire? Because as I am not the GI Joe minesweeper, I would appreciate it if your dog didn't leave chocolate land mines all over my yard!
:'''Lindsay''': Okay, nothing you said made any sense!
:'''Daniel/Gyro-Robo''': Don't let your dog go poopie!
:'''Lindsay''': Oh, OH!! ''[flashback to one nighttime]'' Ha, ha, ha, ha! Dah, dah, dah, dum, dum! Ha, night dump! I'm just fertilizing the lawn, aah! ''[back to present]'' Bad dog! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
:''[At Daniel/Gyro-Robo's front lawn]''
:'''Daniel/Gyro-Robo''': Firebolt! Firebolt!
:'''Terrence''': Freethyro! Freethyro!
:'''Nerd''': Ork, ork, ork! I'm an ork!
:'''Daniel/Gyro-Robo''': Terrence, I gotta say, I'm not buying this at all, so...
:'''Lindsay''': Beep, Beep! Honk, honk! I'm Herbie! ''[hits Daniel/Gyro-Robo and Terrence]''
:'''Terrence''': Hey!
:'''Lindsay''': Loud horn! ''[Bleep]'' You! Good job, Herbie!
:'''Daniel/Gyro-Robo''': Excuse me! This is a parallel universe, where savagery meets sorcery! There is no Herbie.
:'''Lindsay''': Herbie ''is'' magic, idiot! ''[kicks nerd down]'' Beep beep!
:'''Daniel/Gyro-Robo''': Stop it!
:'''Lindsay''': Aughh! Why are you always following me? ''[cues cameraman to come closer, whispers]'' Follow me.
:'''Munson''': ...And in this corner, it's Munson! ''[steps on Terrence]''
:'''Daniel/Gyro-Robo''': Get out of here, Munson!
:'''Munson''': ''[knocks Gyro-Robo down, then slaps him'' Munson one, gay crap zero!
:'''Daniel/Gyro-Robo''': Stop it, Munson! Oh, how I hate you!
:'''Lindsay''': Beep, beep!. ''[looks at Munson]'' Oooh, a bad boy!
:'''Munson''': Oh, a damaged chick with daddy issues. ''[slaps Gyro-Robo]'' Hey baby!
:'''Lindsay''': I don't know what that is, but I hope it means penis!
:''[Daniel is watching'' Living Lohan'' on TV]''
:'''Lindsay''': Too bad, mom. I love him, and I'm pregnant!!
:'''Dina''': Well, so am I!
:'''Lindsay''' Well, your baby's gonna have cobwebs, cause you're all old, and your notaries are all bunched up and dusty!!
:'''Dina''': ''[Bleep]'' You!
:'''Ali''': Why didn't anyone pick me up after my ''[bleep]''ing ultrasound?!
:'''Daniel/Gyro-Robo''': Ah, looks like I'm moving again.
:'''Dina''': I'M THE GREATEST MOM IN THE WORLD!!!'''

===We Are a Humble Factory [4.11]===
:'''News Reporter:''' ...And to all you kids under 18 watching Robot Chicken, shame on your parents.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[A nature guide and some students are out in the open: the students are playing on their cell phones]''
:'''Nature guide''': Okay, kids, who wants to learn about different types of leaves? ''[the students pause, then continue to play with their phones]'' Okay, who wants to play on your cell phones and Twitter your Facebooks? Oh, whatever. The hell, I guess I'll smoke behind that tree. See ya.
:''[Everyone walks away, until only the Nerd remains, holding a piece of cardboard with pictures of leaves on it]''
:'''Nerd''': But...what about the leaves? ''[sees a pool of water with a sign that reads, &quot;Spring of the Drowned Girl&quot;]'' Oh, my Gosh! Just like the classic anime, ''[[w:Ranma 1/2|Ranma Nibun no Ichi]]. '' [[w:Ranma Saotome|Whoever bathes in the Spring of Drowned Girl will become an awesomely sexy lady]]. So the question is, do I want to be an awesomely sexy lady? Hmmm.... ''[imagines what it would be like if he were...The Nerd has become a girl and examines himself]''Oh, my Gosh! I've got-and I've-and this is-and these are-ohhh, they feel so good to the hand!
:''[The Nerd is buying a stack of comic books at a comic store]''
:'''Harry Knowles''': That will be $68.50... ''[the Nerd flashes him]'' By which I mean free!
:'''Nerd:''' What wonderful powers! Hee hee!
:''[The Nerd is seen in a dressing room, dressing up as Lara Croft, Elektra Natchios, Tifa Lockhart from Final Fantasy, and Catwoman]''
:'''Nerd''': ''[as Lara Croft]'' Hmmm... any tombs ''you'd'' like to raid? ''[as Elektra Natchios]'' The Frank Miller one, not the Jennifer Garner one. ''[as Tifa Lockhart]'' This may be your final fantasy. ''[as Catwoman]'' How about a look at ''these'' jewels, Batman? ''[is seen wandering through the girls' shower]'' La chee do ti do...Hello, ladies, yes, good to see you. Just another girl. Oh, gosh, these are so heavy.
:'''Blond Girl''': Oh...let us help you!
:'''Nerd''': That's good, that's good, you're really helping, girls! ''[moans]''
:'''Second Girl''': Hey, doesn't hot water turn Ranma into a boy again?
:'''Blond Girl''': Hey, yeah!
:''[The Nerd suddenly turns back into a boy and covers himself up]''
:'''Girls''': Eww!
:''[The girls start beating up the Nerd]''
:'''Blond Girl''': Gross!
:'''Nerd''': Well, it's still...you know, skin contact. ''[The red-haired girl jumps on him]'' Whoopee! 
:''[The scene fades back to the Nerd standing at the spring]''
:'''Nerd''': Yes, I ''do'' wanna be an awesomely sexy lady! Hee hee hee! &quot;Mammarize&quot; me, forces of the universe! ''[jumps into the spring]'' Splash, splash, splash!
:''[The Nerd hides as the students and the guide walk up to the spring]''
:'''Nature guide''': And, tragically, this is where a young lady drowned many years ago. 
:'''Boy''': Was she hot? 
:'''Nature guide:''' The brochure says she was 400 pounds, with a clubbed foot and chronic flatulence. So, no. Anyway, back on the bus, everybody. Move it around...
:'''Nerd''': ''[shocked]'' Oh, no!
:''[Cut to school hallways: the Nerd has become overweight and club-footed and is wearing a &quot;Team Awesome&quot; shirt]''
:'''Kaitlin''': Hey! You must be the new girl. My name's Kaitlin. ''[before he can speak, the Nerd farts]'' Eww!
:'''Nerd''': Dang it.''[farts a few more times]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Triple H:''' John Cena was supposed to challenge me for this championship tonight but apparently he got lost on his way here.
:'''JR''': ''[at the announcer table with another announcer]'' That is a load of bull. We saw Triple H let the air out of John Cena's tires. DAMN HIM!!!
:'''Triple H''': I guess if nobody's man enough to challenge me, I'll just take my championship belt and go home.
:''[Just then, a music plays and everyone cheers as Dakota Fanning walks to the ring, angrily, with her theme intro]''
:'''JR''': IT'S HER! IT'S HER! Dakota Fanning is in the building and she looks pissed!
:'''Announcer''': And lets not forget the Dakota's new movie ''[An advertisement of the movie appears while seeing Triple H scolding Dakota]'' ''Wishmagic: The Horse Who Wrote Poems'' opens Friday at theaters across the country!
:'''Dakota''': ''[snatches the microphone from Triple H]'' I taught I was here to talk about ''Wishmagic''...[whisper outside the mike]...The horse who wrote poems''...But apparently some son of a bitch have to go run his mouth! ''[then starts attacking Triple H and start stomping his head to make him bleed]''
:'''JR''': IT'S ON! It's on now! Triple H is in a world of....
:'''Dakota:''' ''[toss Triple H on top of the ringpole and going to do her finisher]'' Here comes a good part! ''[Does a finisher and crashes Triple H onto the announcer's table, breaking it in the process]''
:'''JR''': THE DAKONATOR! THE DAKONATOR! This match is over if she can pin him in the ring!
:''[Just then, John Cena's intro is played while John Cena rushes into the ring]''
:'''JR''': It's John Cena! He must want a piece of Triple H too. ''[Instead, John Cena saves Triple H and start attacking Dakota and after he locks Dakota into submission and hitting her, Triple H came back with a steel chair and start hitting Dakota's face]'' OH NO! It's a damn double-cross! John Cena and Triple H must have set up Dakota from the beginning! AWWW! DAMN THEM! DAMN THEM! ''[An advertisement about Wishmagic appears below the screen] Wishmagic: The Horse Who Wrote Poems'' opens Friday! DAMN THEM TO HELL!

===Maurice Was Caught [4.12]===
:'''Kids''': &quot;Start sharing!&quot;
:'''Kid''': I like sharing.
:'''Kermit''': Yeah! Everybody’s sharing, that's the way you’re supposed to do it. Hi, ol' Gordo! Everybody, this is my cousin [[w:Gordon Gekko|Gordon the Gecko]]. Gordon is a powerful executive on Wall Street. What do you think about sharing?
:'''Gordon the Gecko''': The rich just 1% of this country, Owns half its country wealth. $5,000,000,000,000—
:'''Count von Count''': $1,000,000,000,000! he he he, Two Trill-
:'''Gordon the Gecko''': ''[pushes the Count]'' Shut up. Greed, for lack for better word is good, greed works.
:'''Kid''': My dad says being greedy is bad.
:'''Gordon the Gecko''': Your dad wouldn't know how to pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel. Is Kermit over here sharing with you, to sit here and sing songs?!
:'''Kermit''': Ok, Gordo! It's time to get back to the office.
:'''Gordon the Gecko''': See this building behind me, first place I ever bought, flipped it and made $800,000. It was better then sex!
:'''Kermit''': Ok, who wants a share a healthy after-school snack?
:'''Kids''': I want to make 800,000 dollars!
:'''Kid''': Me too!
:'''Gordon the Gecko''': First, you have to quit dressing up like 9-year old kids. Lets go buy these ''[bleep]''ers some little suits.
:'''Kermit''': Well, I guess that lesson is brought to you by the number &quot;Douchebag!&quot;

===Unionizing Our Labor [4.13]===
:''[1984 Libertarian party convention]''
:'''Candidate 1''': Thank you, my Libertarian friends, for making us your nominees for president and vice president of the United States of America!
:'''Candidate 2''': 1984 is the year of the Libertarian party! We will be champions!
:'''Candidate 1''': Yes, unfortunately, the rock band Queen won't let us play their hit &quot;We Are The Champions&quot;, but enjoy this soundalike, which we will play IN THE WHITE HOUSE!
:'''Singer 1''': ''[to the tune of &quot;We Are The Champions&quot;]'' We are the victors of the Globe. And we'll continue doing stuff...
:''[1988 Libertarian party convention, the candidates have longer hair]''
:'''Candidate 1''': Four years ago, I said that we would be champions...How wrong I was. Ronald Reagan soundly beat us.
:'''Candidate 2''': In fact we received less than one percent of one percent of the vote.
:'''Candidate 1''': But it is 1988 and the country needs to come together like a family.
:'''Candidate 2''': We are family! We are family!
:'''Candidate 1''': Don't worry, Sister Sledge, this is not your copyright-protected musical hit &quot;We Are Family&quot;. It's something better!
:'''Singer 2''': ''[to the tune of &quot;We Are Family&quot;]'' We are a close-knit group! Co-workers and aquaintances!
:''[1992 Libertarian party convention, the candidates are noticeably older, and now have wives]''
:'''Candidate 2''': Four years ago, we asked America to join our family...America said no.
:'''Candidate 1''': So we decided to make loving families of our own. Who else wants to get on board the love train?
:'''Candidate 2''': Sadly, The O-Jays wouldn't let us use their hit song &quot;Love Train&quot;.
:'''Candidate 1''': Even though it expresses every political ideal we stand for!
:'''Candidate 2''': Next stop, the White House.
:'''Candidate 1''': Toot toot! All aboard!
:'''Singer 3''': [to the tune of &quot;Love Train&quot;] Citizens of the Earth, come on. Ride the Friend Choo-choo, ride the Friend Choo-choo, yeah, ride the Friend Choo-choo.
:''[2008 Libertarian party convention, the candidates are now old men]''
:'''Candidate 2''': Well, sadly, not a single voter chose to board the friendship choo-choo. Worse, despite using the soundalike, The O-Jays ''still'' sued us.
:'''Candidate 1''': During the 16-year legal battle, unsavory private matters were revealed, resulting in the spectacular in-court suicide of my beautiful wife, Jennette.
:'''Candidate 2''': My wife Sarah also committed suicide, but, uh, that was unrelated to the trial.
:'''Candidate 1''': These tragedies taught us that life, like voting for a third party, are ultimately meaningless.
:'''Candidate 2''': So, in the end, all we, the Libertarian party, are is &quot;Dust In the Wind&quot;. ''[Candidate 1 stammers]]' I mean, all of us is airborne minidirt!
:'''Candidate 1''': Airborne minidirt, y'all!
:'''Singer 4''': ''[to the tune of &quot;Dust In the Wind&quot;]'' All of us is airborne minidirt...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa''': ''[taking a dump, sigh]'' Gotta cut back on the smurfberries. All that fiber turns my intestines into a smurfin' log flume. Wonder who the page 3 girl is...gee, Smurfette, shocker...''[flushes toilet, the toilet starts overflowing)]'' Uh oh, oh no, go down, go down. Oh no, OH NO, OH, OH SMURF ME UP THE SMURF!!!
:''[Cuts to a scene with Papa and Handy. Handy's covered in mud]''
:'''Handy''': The village septic tank is smurfed to hell!
:'''Papa''': Well, Handy, we're a communist society, so hurry up and fix it for free.
:'''Handy''': You don't understand! The tank ruptured! The sewage has smurfed into the water table!
:''[Meanwhile]''
:'''All Star''': Ugh, Uncle Gaileo, I feel sick! Everything tastes like rotten smurfberries!
:'''Gaileo''': Our water has been contaminated, Allstar!
:'''All Star''': So, how does a test tube work underwater exactly?
:'''Gaileo''': It doesn't take a scientist to figure out those JERK ASS SMURFS are dumping CRAP in our lake again!
:''[Cuts to a scene with three Smurfs, they see something in the sky]''
:'''Smurf 1''': Are those flying fish!?
:'''Grouchy''': I HATE flying fish!
:'''Smurf 1''': Are those flying fish stuffed with DYNAMITE!?
:'''Grouchy''': I HATE flying fish stuffed with dy- ''[a fish collides with the three smurfs, it explodes, killing all three Smurfs. More fish fall from the sky, suicide bombing the Smurf Village straight to hell]''
:'''All Star''': I-I really have an ethical problem with this...
:'''Gaileo''': What? They're volunteering. ''[to the fish while lighting its fuse]'' Just remember; seventy-two fish virgins await you in Fish Heaven!
:''[Back on the battlefield]''
:'''Papa''': TO ME, MY SMURFS! IT'S WAR! WAR!!!
:''[There's a huge explosion in the background. A smurf in some kind of shock toddles toward Papa. He can't hear a thing Papa is saying]''
:'''Deaf''': I CAN'T HEAR! I CAN'T HEAR!
:'''Papa''': You couldn't hear before! Your name is &quot;Deaf Smurf&quot; for God's sakes!
:'''Deaf''': ''[remembers]'' OH YEAH! WELL, IT STILL SUCKS.
:''[Just then, the snork army marches on to the battlefield from the water. Cut to a scene with Vanity and some other Smurf]''
:'''Vanity''': See? like Braveheart.
:''[The other smurf smacks him across the face, knocking him out. Cuts to a scene with a snork opening up one of Jokey Smurf's exploding gift boxes]''
:'''Snork''': ''[gasps]'' A present!
:''[The box blows up in his face, killing him in the process]''
:'''All Star''': EVERYONE! STOP PICKING UP THE PRESENTS!!! ''[ime slows down as another snork falls victim to Jokey's present bombs]'' NOOOOOOOOO!!!
:''[Nearly all the snorks were soundly defeated by the present bombs. Cut to a scene with Brainy Smurf and a bunch of other smurfs]''
:'''Brainy''': Everyone listen to me, we're gonna outflank them with a pinster meneuver. Then, we'll encircle them with a blitzkrieg.
:'''Smurf 2''': Oh, you don't know what your smurfin' about, Brainy!
:'''Brainy''': Papa Smurf put me in charge. and Papa Smurf is always right. because Papa Smurf... ''[sees that he's surrounded by snorks. Two seconds later, he's nothing but a head and whatever remained of his body, and was Amazed]'' Hey it's true! The brain does stay alive after desmurfitation! ''[dies]''
:''[Back on the battlefeild, the Smurf's defenses are picking off the snorks, one by one. A red snork, gulps down a tank of gasoline and becomes a walking flamethrower, killing the Smurfs]''
:'''Daffney''': Stop it, you stupid boys! This isn't accomplishing anything!
:''[One of the Smurfs stop dead in his tracks]''
:'''Smurf 3''': Are you a-are you a-a female?!
:'''Daffney''': Well, sure I am, why?
:''[Two more Smurfs appear on screen]''
:'''Smurf 4''': We thought there was only one girl in the whole world! ''[directs attention towards Smurfette]'' This tired, old, worn out whore over here!
:'''Smurfette''': HEY!
:''[Cuts to a scene where Governor Wetworth and Papa Smurf are signing a peace treaty]''
:'''Papa''': So it's agreed, we'll stop smurfing our turds in your lake.
:''[Snorks all cheer]''
:'''Governor''': And in return, we shall give you photos of our women.
:''[The Smurfs all cheer and then a moments silence]''
:'''Papa''': ...To masturbate too?
:'''Governor''': Yes, to masturbate too.
:''[Governor and Papa shake hands, the Smurfs and snorks all cheer, but the Smurfs are a little more overexcited than the snorks. Cut to a scene where Daffney is being paparazzied by the Smurfs]''
:'''Daffney''' Unbelievable! Rotten, scumbag men. AAARGH!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Robot Chicken credits roll]''
:''[A scene where a fish is talking to Satan in hell]''
:'''Satan''': HAHAHA, YOU STUPID FISH! GET IN THE FRYING PAN!
:''[The fish does just that]''
:'''Stinger''': End.

===President Hu Forbids It [4.14]===
:''[There are two boats in Gotham Harbor, a yeoman approaches the captain]''
:'''Yeoman''': Sir, the whole boat is rigged to explode! And I found this! [displays a detonator]''
:''[Meanwhile, all the passangers are in the seating area, the intercom turns on]''
:'''Joker''': Greetings from the Joker. &quot;Why so serious?&quot; Anyway, we have a boat of civilians and a boat of prison inmates. I will blow up both boats at midnight.
:'''Man 1''': Oh, my God!
:'''Joker''' However, each boat has a detonator that will blow up the opposite boat. If one boat decides to blow up the other boat prior to midnight, I will not blow up the boat that blows up the other boat. It's quite the moral quandary, is it not?
:'''Man 2''': Then let's vote on neither boat blowing up.
:'''GIRL''': No, he said we decide.
:'''Man 3''': Then I decide that neither boat blows up!
:'''Captain''': Wait, wait...so, we vote?
:'''Woman''': No, we...we just press a button, I think.
:'''Man 4''': I don't understand. What does this prove, exactly?
:'''Man 5''': Uh, Mister Joker, sir? We came to a consensus: we vote that neither boat should blow up.
:''[The passengers agree]''
:'''Joker''': That's not a choice!
:'''Man 5''': Uh..uh, you better explain it again then, I guess.
:'''Joker''': ''[sighs]'' I will blow up both the boats-
:'''Man 1''': Oh my God!
:'''Joker''': —unless, UNLESS, one boat blows up the other boat first.
:'''Man 5''': Uh, w-what are the other options?
:'''Joker''': There are no other options.
:'''Old Lady''': Ask him when both boats blow up.
:'''Joker''': MIDNIGHT! MIDNIGHT! MIDNIGHT!
:'''Captain''': Alright folks, that gives us a good 15 minutes. Everyone, into the lifeboats!
:'''Joker''': No, no lifeboats! I said that you couldn't use them.
:'''Man 6''': You never said that!
:'''Joker''': I did, way back in the beginning.
:'''Man 5''': You better go over the rules again.
:'''Joker''': ''[clearly exasperated]'' Oh, for H- it's a catch 22! Look, there are two boats. At midnight—
:''[Batman cuts him off by hitting him with a board]''

===Due To Constraints of Time and Budget [4.15]===
:'''Narrator''': One day in the Concrete Jungle of Nool, an elephant named Morton played &quot;hooky&quot; from school. He was chillin' on the stoop, just peachin' on the block...When onto his trunk landed a tiny crack rock. He thought...
:'''Morton''': I could sell this, make five or six bucks!
:'''Narrator''': But then he heard a tiny voice that hollered...
:'''Voices''': What, what!
:''[Morton bends down close to the rock and listens]''
:'''Narrator''': Morton listened closely, and held very still. He could hear tiny voices in the town of What-Whatville. ''[The camera zooms in on the rock. A tiny city is seen. Strange creatures resembling the Whos from Dr. Seuss' books are seen on a dance floor. A DJ is in the background]'' They were having a party, with a DJ in the cut, and everybody was yelling...
:'''What-Whatians''': What, what!
:''[The screen cuts back to Morton]''
:'''Narrator''': Morton had a new purpose, he had a new drive: to hide the rock and keep the party alive. ''[Morton decides to conceal the rock from sight. He walks to the right, and confronts a drugged-up kangaroo with blackened eyelids]'' He walked down the street, and out of the blue, he came face to face with Crackhead Kangaroo. She was shaking and twitching, her eyelids were black. She said...
:'''Kangaroo''': ''[stammering]'' M-M-M-M-Morton, I'll s-s-suck your C-C-C-COCK for that crack!
:''[A strange look crosses Morton's face as he looks at the rock. He walks behind a dumpster with the kangaroo]''
:'''Narrator''': Well, sometimes an elephant just has to nut. So that was the end of the world of...
:'''What-Whatians''': What, what!
:''[The What-Whatians and their world are set ablaze when the rock is lit up. Everyone screams]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Announcer''': Hey, my ex-girlfriend, how do eat a Reese's Piece, buttercup?
:'''Ex-Girlfriend''': I pretend the peanut butter is your soul, and I suck it out and then I crush the remaining empty husk in my cruel, cold fist.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Beatles]]''': ''[singing]'' We are sailing underwater-ater-ater, all the fishes look delicious, colors, drugs, rainbows and hugs...
:'''Old Fred''': Wait! Be quiet! Something's showing up on the radar!
:'''[[Paul McCartney]]''': Maybe it's Ringo's lunch. He ate a big sandwich.
:'''[[Ringo Starr]]''': I still have sand in me mouth. ''[spits out sand]''
:'''Old Fred''': Shh! Look!
:''[An image of a submarine appears on the radar]''
:'''[[John Lennon]]''': Sandwiches are me bread and butter.
:'''Paul McCartney''' Good one, John.
:'''Old Fred''' Damn it, shut the hell up! It's a submarine from the land of the Blue Meanies! The Dreaded &quot;Blue October&quot;! I'm gonna send them a ping.
:''[Soundwaves come from the Yellow Submarine. They reach a blue sub with yellow lines on its side. Cut to the inside of the Blue October. Two Meanies resembling Captain Marko Ramius and Jack Ryan have heard the ping]''
:'''Meanie Captain''': Was that a ping?
:'''Meanie Lieutenant''': Yes, Sir!
:'''Meanie Captain''': You know we don't say &quot;yes&quot; in Meanie Land.
:'''Meanie Lieutenant''': I'm so sorry, no, Sir. Should I ping them back, Sir?
:'''Meanie Captain''': No...
:'''Meanie Lieutenant''': No?
:'''Meanie Captain''': No...I said, &quot;no&quot;...Do you understand?
:'''Meanie Lieutenant''': No.
:'''Meanie Captain:''': Ping them back.
:'''Meanie Lieutenant''': Yes, Sir! I mean, no, sir.
:''[The Lieutenant sends a ping back to the Yellow Submarine]''
:'''Old Fred''': They pinged us back!
:'''Paul McCartney''': I know. My ears are still pinging.
:'''John Lennon''': Hey, I have an [[idea]]. What's the most important thing in the [[world]]?
:'''Ringo Starr''': [[LSD|Acid]].
:'''John Lennon''': After that?
:'''Ringo Starr''': Love.
:'''John Lennon''': That's right. Maybe those meanies in the &quot;Blue October&quot; don't want to declare war. Maybe they want to declare love and defect to Pepperland.
:'''Paul McCartney''': There's only one way to find out. Let's sing a song about love.
:'''Old Fred''': Oh...
:'''Beatles:''': ''[Love your love with love...Just love your love with love...]''
:'''Meanie Captain''': They're singing! Maybe they know we're trying to defect to Pepperland.
:'''Meanie Lieutenant''': Sir, another submarine from Meanie Land followed us!
:''[The camera zooms up to show another sub with red lines on its side. Inside, a Meanie Officer resembling Viktor Tupolev and his lackey are shown]''
:'''Meanie Officer''': Open the glove compartment! Fire!
:''[The enemy sub launches the Dreadful Flying Glove from its front]''
:'''Old Fred''': Another submarine fired a glove at the ''Blue October''!
:'''John Lennon''': I know what to do. Steer our Submarine straight toward the glove.
:'''Old Fred''': You're crazy! We'll all die!
:'''[[George Harrison]]''': Who cares? We're just cartoons.
:'''Ringo Starr''': &quot;Spull feed&quot; ahead!
:''[The Yellow Submarine moves toward the glove. Cut back to the inside of the enemy Meanie sub]''
:'''Second Meanie''': Should I arm the glove, sir?
:'''Meanie Officer''': Yes...Yesss! ''[jumps up and down]'' No!
:''[The enemy sub launches a missile, which connects with the Dreadful Flying Glove.]''
:'''Ringo Starr''': Oh, look, a hole. ''[picks up a hole and throws it upward. The armed glove is swallowed up]''
:'''Meanie Officer''': What happened? Why didn't it explode? Periscope!
:''[The periscope is lowered, and the armed glove pops out of it]''
:'''Meanie Officer''': Ohh...''[Bleep]''.
:''[The missile goes off, and the enemy Meanie sub explodes. The Beatles and the Captain cheer on]''
:'''Paul McCartney''': Hole in one, Ringo. How did you know it would work?
:'''Ringo Starr''': I didn't. I'm on acid.
:'''John Lennon''': Way to go, Ringo. Maybe now you can sleep with the groupies first.
:'''Ringo Starr''': Really?
:'''Paul McCartney''': No.
:'''Beatles''': ''[singing]'' Love your love with love...Just love your love with love...
:''[Everyone starts laughing, chattering, and singing]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Chelsie and Grandma are knitting]''
:'''Mom''': Ma, don't teach Chelsie that girly crap! This isn't the dark ages. ''[gives the Barbie doll to Chelsie]'' Here.
:'''Grandma''': Ohh, and the fashion doll with big watermelon boobs teaches the right lessons, huh? That's-That's what going on?
:'''Mom''': Barbie is a frickin' race car driver these days, Ma! She bungee jumps in Paracelsus, and I think there's even a bomb disposal robot accessory.
:'''Chelsie''': Thank you for the Barbie. ''[pulls the sting on the Barbie's back]''
:'''Barbie''': ''[voice box]'' Girls could do anything. Especially, men. Let me be absolutely clear about that.
:'''Chelsie''': All right, Barbie! Lets have adventures!
:''[One hour later, the Doctor pulled the blanket to show Mom and Grandma that Chelsie died]''
:'''Mom''': ''[gasps]'' That's her! That's my little girl... ''[crying]''
:'''Grandma''': How did this happen?!
:'''Doctor''': Well, Chelsie's race car hit the wall in its speeds in excess of two hundred miles in hour. So, pfft.
:'''Grandma''': Race car?! Where did she get a race car?!
:'''Doctor''': Girls these days have all sorts of adventures, mam. This isn't the dark ages.
:'''Grandma''': She was eight years old!
:'''Mom''': At least, she died doing what she loved, Ma!
:'''Grandma''': SHE LOVED KNITTING!
:'''Doctor''': Yes, that's lovely. Now, that you could fill out some forms. ''[walks with Chelsie's mom]''
:'''Grandma''': ''[crying]'' Oh, Chelsie. ''[to the destroyed Barbie doll]'' This is your fault! ''[crying]'' Whore!
:''[The screen zooms horrifying with the evil laugh sound]''

===The Ramblings of Maurice [4.16]===
:'''Graph Guy''': Our cereal sales are WAY down! What do we do?!?
:'''Internet Executive''': I've got 4 words for you: Sugar, Internet, Viral, Video, and some punctuation: EXCLAMATION POINT!
:''[Music Begins: Download the Free MP3. Some rights reserved under creative commons license]''
:'''Cocoa Vampire''': Oooooooooo...Chocolate Grain ''[Subscribe!]'', Bits of corn, Marshmallow, other stuff. ''[breathing away from mic. Yes, vampires do breathe]'' Chocolate grain, 5 times more sugar than Choco Puffs. Chocolate grain, tell your parents it's what they should buy. ''[Buy the SHIRT!]'' Chocolate grain, so much sugar you'll get crazy high. Chocolate grain, if you have diabetes, stay away. Chocolate grain, it's something that our lawyers made us say. Chocolate grain, the 'mount of sugar will drive you insane. Chocolate grain, 100 percent sugar, zero grain!!!
:'''Graph Guy''': Sales for Cocoa Vampire are through the roof! What else ya got?
:'''Internet Executive''': Well, for Fruit Monster, how about a video called, &quot;Two Berries, One Cup?&quot; I've put together a rough demo. Roll it!
:'''Girl''': Oh...''[giggling]''
:''[The executives, except for Internet Executive, vomit]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': I've followed you to this hot chocolate factory Two-face, and this time I'm bringing you down!
:'''Two-Face''': Not so fast Batman! Your fate lies in a flip of this coin, heads you live, tails you die! ''[flips coin, it comes up tails]'' Huh, death! ''[Batman lunges at him, accidentally pressing his face against the burning hot chocolate mixer]'' AAAAHHHHH!!!
:'''Batman''': I'm sorry, Harvey.
:'''Two-Face''': Don't call me Harvey, call me by my new name. ''[turns to reveal a second burn mark over half of his already burned face]'' Three-Face! ''[pulls out a three-sided die]'' This is my three sided die, one you live, two you die, three we drink hot chocolate together. ''[rolls his three sided die, it comes up a two]'' Oh, uh, looks like you're gunna three sided DIE! ''[lunges at Batman, he slips trying to get out of bed]''
:'''Batman''': Watch out for that bleach!
:'''Three-Face''': ''[falls face first into a tray with various liquids on it, a bottle of bleach shatters and hits him and the bleach gets on his face]'' AAAAHHHHH!!!
:'''Batman''': ''[meets Three-Face on top of a roof]'' Three-Face, I'm really sorry about the hospital.
:'''Three-Face''': Call me by my real name. ''[turns around to reveal a fourth burn on the good half of his face]'' Four-face! ''[pulls out four straws]'' I'm holding four straws in my hand, if you choose the shortest one you die! If you choose the longest one you live! The other two will determine whether I throw bleach on your costume or we drink hot chocolate together.
:'''Batman''': Alright Four-face I'll play your game! ''[hesitates on his first try and picks a straw on his second]''
:''[Cut to the diner where Four-Face and Batman are enjoying a rather pleasant meal, Four-Face is enjoying a steaming cup of hot chocolate and Batman is sampling the diner's soup]''
:'''Four-Face''': Oh, OH! This is really good hot chocolate!
:'''Batman''': Hmm...The soup's not bad either.
:'''Four-face''': Oh yeah, can I try some? ''[grabs for Batman's soup]''
:'''Batman''': ''[tries to stop him from taking it, fearing that the soup is too hot for Four-Face]'' WAIT, HARVEY! NO!!
:'''Four-Face''': ''[the soup splashes against Four-Face's face burning him on contact]'' AAAAHHHHH!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Jim Henson|Jim Henson]] Company Executive 1''': Ah, our ''[[Dark Crystal]]'' sequel is doomed!
:'''Executive 2''': Well, it's been in development Hell for years. Now theaters don't even want it.
:'''Executive 1''': We need a brand-new take. Something that really tricks kids into thinking they want to see a movie about puppets.
:''[Cut to the next scene, where Jen is wearing a rapper-style outfit]''
:'''Jen''': Yo, whassup, everybody? This is Lil' Jen, aka MC Gelfling! Lemme take you on a little journey! Raise up your glasses y'all, and get ready for the story of the Dark...Crys...tal! ''[the UrSkeks are seen drinking booze, when suddenly, one of them, driving a car, fires at them, breaking off part of the large bottle in the center. The race is split up into the UrRus and Skeksis, who go their separate ways]'' Once upon a time, in the distant land of Thura, there was a huge-ass super-sized bottle of the Crystal, living under three suns, all the peoples having fun! They were clinking and drinking, the Crystal for everyone, but then there was a drive-by. Oh snap! Hit the deck! It was the Skeksis in a Lexus with a tech! Bottle got wrecked, it split two different races to two different places. The Skeksis headed West with their creepy dead bird faces. The UrRus waited on the East Coast for all their help to come. They were a bunch of Mystics who like to sit around and hum... ''[the UrRus start humming rhythmically]'' Ah, yeah. That sound good right there. In step, the prophecy, there's no stopping me! Gelfling's gonna help things, pretty soon we'll be popping C-R-Y-S to the T-A-L. Full throttle, fix the bottle and break that spell!
:''[Jen is seen rapping along with other characters from the film]''
:'''Jen and Chorus''': Whole world is ugly, no one's sipping on bubbly, wanna get busy, but without the fizzy, the ladies won't love me. I gotta save the land of Thura, I am far and mystical. Gonna wreck me some Skeksis and go get that Cristal. I went to Aughra and got that cracked up shard of the Crystal. Whoo! Then I met Kira and Fizzgig, he was a little fuzzy ball.
:'''Fizzgig''': Whassup, y'all?
:''[Jen and Kira are seen riding on Landstriders, and they encounter the Skeksis. Jen is seen leaping into the air, and places the broken shard onto the bottle. Jen is seen rapping again as the world's former glory is restored]''
:'''Jen''': Jumped on a Landstrider, rode to the castle, faced off with the Skeksis. Man, those dudes are crazy assholes! I put the cracked shard of the bottle back into the right spot! Now the East and West Coasts got back together, and this joint is ''[bleep]''ing hot!
:'''Jen and Chorus''': Yeah, this party's a blast, the Crystal's flowing fast. I'm thinking I wanna get up in Kira's ass. We're all having a ball, there won't be no last call. West and East, squash the beef! They're all drinking Crystal. More people still coming, and the Mystics still humming, they go... ''[The UrRus start humming rhythmically]''
:'''Jen''': Yeah.
:'''Chorus''': That's the end of the Dark Crystal...
:'''Jen''': Hoes!
:''[Cut back to the executives, who are standing in front of a portrait of Jim Henson]''
:'''Executive 1''': Well, we failed you, Jim.
:''[The executives commit suicide by drinking poison]''
:'''Executive 2''': Aaah...Sweet...relief...
:''[They stagger off to die]''

===Can't Be Erased, So Sorry [4.17]===
:'''Inmate''': ''[talking to Monopoly pieces]'': Hey, man. What'chu in for?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: ''[A costumed character known as &quot;The Mockingbird&quot; is sitting bound to a chair, and gets punched in the face. Another character in a bird-like costume is revealed to be interrogating the Mockingbird]''
:'''Finch''': Ready to talk, Mockingbird?
:'''Mockingbird''' ''[spits out some blood, mocking]'' &quot;Ready to talk, Mockingbird?&quot;
:'''Finch''': Aah! I should've seen that coming! Scout, see if the coast is clear!
:''[A bird-costumed character wearing goggles and a speaker-phone searches, then turns toward Finch]''
:'''Scout''': Coast is clear, Finch.
:'''Finch''': Good. 'Cause I'm about to kill a Mockingbird!
:''[Mockingbird clicks a button on a detonation device, which breaks his bindings. He then kicks Finch in the crotch, then whacks him with the chair, and kicks him a few times more]''
:'''Scout''': Jem! Jem! Use your gemstones!
:''[A character in a red bird costume shows up. Jem fires beams from the gemstones on his wings, effectively killing Mockingbird before he can get away]''
:'''Scout, Finch, and Jem''': Yeah!
:''[The group celebrates, then cut to a classroom. It's revealed that this was all part of a report]''
:'''Student''' And...that's my book report on &quot;How to Kill a Mockingbird&quot; by Lee...Harper...Oswald or whoever...
:'''Teacher''' Couldn't even spring for the Cliffs Notes, huh? ''[whacks the student upside the head]''

===Please Do Not Notify Our Contractors [4.18]===
:'''Cop''': You realize when I pulled you over, you were doing 87 miles an hour?
:'''Marty''': Yeah, I know. Believe me, I know.

===Especially the Animal Keith Crofford! [4.19]===
:'''Bumblelion''': I love being a Wuzzle! We get to be two animals at once! Take me — I'm a bumblebee and a lion!
:'''Eleroo''': And I'm an elephant and a kangaroo.
:'''Butterbear''': You know what grosses me out, Bumblelion? How'd your parents get together?
:''[Cuts to a lion and a bumblebee]''
:'''Lion''': OW! What the hell?! You think you can just sting me, you little bumblebee? Wow, you're a cute little bumblebee. Oh, you little cutie, come here. ''[turns around to have sex with the bumblebee]'' Oh, yeah! Owch! Ahh, owch! Sting me in the hole! Owch, sting me in the hole! Owch, sting me in the hole! Owch!
:''[Goes back to the three Wuzzles]''
:'''Bumblelion''': UGH! I don't wanna think about THAT anymore. What about you. Eleroo?
:''[Goes to a kangaroo and an elephant about to have sex]''
:'''Elephant''': Now, this might hurt a little. ''[in a sex position, the elephant crushes the kangaroo, who screams]''
:''[Afterwards we return to the Wuzzles]''
:'''Eleroo''': EW! How about you, Donkeyhuman?
:[The camera moves to reveal Donkeyhuman]
:'''Donkeyhuman''': ''[brays]'' As far as I know...
:'''Other 3 Wuzzles''': ''[interrupting Donkeyhuman]'' Actually I don't wanna know. Yeah, I'm not interested. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean it. I'm good.

===Dear Consumer [4.20]===
:''[Jaden walks into his bedroom before a lamp is turned on and Santa is seen sitting in a chair]''
:'''Jaden''': I suppose your presence here means I made the naughty list.
:'''Santa Claus''': We don't mind a little mischief, Jaden. But flashing your wee-wee at the maid. That's one step too far.
:'''Jaden''': And where is my mother? ''[Santa stares at Jaden and looks depressed]'' Hmm, I see. And how did she die?
:'''Santa Claus''': Not well.
:''[In the flashback, Santa comes towards Jaden's mother and punches her. She elbows him in the neck before he grabs her neck and throws her against the kitchen top drawers. Jaden's mother bashes his head with the freezer. She grabs a knife and begins swinging it at Santa. As she is about to stab him, he moves which sends the knife into a wall plug-in, electrocuting Jaden's mother. Santa grabs her by the back of her head and shoves her face into a sink full of water until she doesn't move anymore. Back to the present]''
:'''Jaden''': She made you work for it, did she? ''[opens a desk drawer where a small gun is seen]'' You'll find I'm not so easy. ''[points the gun at Santa. He attempts to shoot, but there are no bullets]'' They say the second one is always-
:''[Santa quickly shoots Jaden with another gun which sends him flying into three shelves and knocks all of the toys down]''
:'''Santa Claus''': Considerably.
:''[Back to the flashback, Santa is then seen walking away from Jaden's mother after killing her. Then Jaden's mother screamed as she rises from the sink with her make-up smeared and holding the knife up, but Santa quickly shoots Jaden's mother, which is a short parody of a scene in Casino Royale before the opening credits starts]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[A dad, a mom and their son are in the living room on Christmas morning. The son is about to open his present and his dad is excited. The boy opens the present which explodes, killing him]''
:'''Dad''': Ha, ha! Ha....Ah, it was a lot funnier when Jokey Smurf did it. Huh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daughter''': It's the most beautiful tree ever!
:'''Mother''': It certainly is, Sweetie!
:'''Tree''': ''[looking in the Window]'' My wife! ''[sobbing]'' you killed her, and you decorated her!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[On Christmas Eve, the atheist mayor is standing in front of the church doors addressing the people]''
:'''Atheist Mayor''': ''[to the people]'' Back to your homes. As the first Atheist mayor, I am shutting down the church.
:'''Old Woman''': But it's Christmas!
:'''Atheist Mayor''': Well, you should have thought of that when I campaigned as the first Atheist mayor.
:'''Citizens''': Oh, yeah.
:'''Old Woman''': Can we at least hear the Christmas chimes?
:'''Atheist Mayor''': ''[lifts up the giant silver chime]'' No! ln fact, I removed the chimey thingy that makes the chimey noise. So, you're screwed! ''[laughs, and was about to leave]'' Oh, and vote for me in November. ''[then leaves]''
:''[Newspaper headlines says &quot;TOWN CHIMES IN ON PROBLEM&quot;, &quot;STORY RINGS TRUE!&quot;, and &quot;CHILDREN CAN'T &quot;BELL&quot;-IEVE IT!&quot;. On Christmas night, the Humping Robot walks into the silent town on snow, wearing a Santa hat. Then he looks at the church bell, and makes a bell with his hands in air. He then knocks the blocked boards down with his hands and entered the church. He crashed though the roof door and stared at the shiny bronze bell. He was thrilled with joy and began ringing the bell with his hands]''
:'''Daughter''': ''[waking her dad up]'' Daddy, Daddy! Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings!
:''[The angels from Heaven are awoken by heard the bells ringing. The alarm is off, and the angels flew down to Earth and face the Atheist Mayor into action]''
:'''Atheist Mayor''': ''[seeing the angels appearing on rooftops]'' What the-? What the-? Oh, my!
:''[He is about to run, à la North By Northwest, but the angels gunned him down with Tommy-guns]''
:'''Daughter''': ''[off-screen]'' Remember to keep Christ in Christmas.
:''[The Humping Robot continues ringing the bell]''
:'''Announcer''': Brought to you by Church.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Elf''': ''[to Santa]'' Did you remember to get Mrs. Claus something?
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[gasps, then gives the elf some money]'' Go get her a mug from the stationary store.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Christmas in Asgard]''
:'''Thor''': The reward for Thor's good deeds; a shiny bicycle.
:'''Loki''': ''[sees a lump a coal from his stocking]'' Augh! A lump of coal?!
:'''Odin''': ''[laughs]'' I love my son Thor and not my son Loki. And Santa agrees. ''[grabs his goblet]'' Ha ha! My parenting is most inequitable.
:'''Thor''': ''[on his bicycle]'' I am off to the rainbow bridge to offer rides to the shirtless muscular warriors who there congregate. ''[rides off]''
:'''Loki''': Ah, next Christmas, victory shall belong to Loki, God of Mischief. ''[laughs evilly. He is seen at the store as he puts on the fake Thor helmet with a blond wig; chuckles as he grabs a soda]'' I'm Thor, and I'm very thirsty! ''[gulping]'' Ahhh! ''[the sign behind him says &quot;NO REFILLS&quot;]'' No one minds if I get another. ''[gets another refill. He is next seen, humming as he urinates two guys in the bathroom, much to their disgust]'' I'm Thor. I got great aim 'cause I'm the God of Thunder.
:''[Loki is seen in the elevator]''
:'''Old Lady''': Hold the door!
:'''Loki''': ''[holding the doors open]'' Oh, don't worry, I got it. Hi, nice to meet you. Thor, God of Thunder. By the way, eat this! ''[shoots the lady dead with his gun]'' Ha ha!
:''[The Following Christmas]''
:''[Loki laughs while riding the bicycle as the shocked and confused Thor holds a lump of coal]''
:'''Odin''': ''[spits]'' By my own beard! Is it Christmas Day or opposite day?! ''[looks at the calendar]'' Nay, it &quot;is&quot; Christmas day!
:'''Thor''': I have been good! I have! Santa Claus shall taste the Thunder God's wrath! ''[flies to the North Pole as Loki snickered silently]''
:''[At the North Pole]''
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[sees the elves' dead bodies on the floor]'' Good God!
:'''Thor''': ''[appears behind the door]'' But not good enough for ye, eh?! Have at thee!
:''[Thor begins attacking Santa by whacking him with his hammer called Mjollnir. He was about to hit the stomach, but Santa gained upper hand, attacking him with his candy cane. He shoots candy canes at Thor, who blocks them with his Mjollnir. Mrs. Claus runs around screaming. Thor swings at Santa, who dodges and pushes him onto the table. Santa is about to hit him, but Thor gained upper hand by smashing Santa onto the table a few times, before knocking him down on the floor. He is about to finish him off, but he swung his Mjollnir backwards and accidentally hit and killed Mrs. Claus who kept running and screaming, much to his surprise. He pulled his Mjollnir out of her smashed and blooded face, and noticed the fake Santa's naughty list on the floor]''
:'''Thor''': ''[picks the list up and reads it]'' Thor did none of this! Why would a Thunder God refill his soda even after his thirst was slaked? Or urinate hither and yon? Or murder an old woman? ''[pause as he sees Mrs. Claus' dead body]'' Well, I dideth, not the other two! I smell my brother's deceitful hand in this. ''[picks up Santa]'' Rise, noble Claus. Thou was fooled as was I. Loki's villainy must be revealed. ''[grabs is Mjollnir, takes Santa, and flies back to Asgard]''
:''[Back in Asgard. Loki shoots and kills people while riding a bicycle]''
:'''Loki''': Whoo! I'm Thor as hell!
:''[Thor and Santa arrive]''
:'''Santa Claus''': He's a madman! Stop him!
:'''Thor''': Fear not, Santa Claus. You yourself shall make Loki pay, a year hence when you bring him a lump of coal on Christmas Day. ''[to the camera]'' Merry Christmas, everyone!
:'''Loki''': God of Thunder! ''[shoots bullets in the air]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Woman''': I love it when it snows. It's so peaceful.
:''[We hear the snowflakes screaming while falling from the sky]''
:'''Snowflake 1''': Aaaaahh! Oh, God! I'm falling! Wha-What's happening? ''[screaming continues]'' Is that the ground?! Holy ''[bleep]''! That's the ''[bleep]''ing ground! This is it! Game over, man! ''[falls onto the ground]''
:'''Snowflake 2''': Get off of me! ''[stammering]'' Get off of me!
:'''Snowflake 1''': I can't! I can't get up! ''[groaning as two snowflakes fall on him]'' It's a madhouse! It's a madhouse!
:'''Man''': I hate snow. We should go to Tahiti next Christmas.
:'''Woman''': Yeah, let's do that. ''[steps on the snowflakes who are still screaming]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Two boys are in the living room next to the Christmas tree with presents under it on Christmas morning]''
:'''Boy ''': Shh.
:''[They opened the present, but finds the dynamite, which is going off. The dynamite explodes, killing the boys. The next scene shows the family in another house; the girl opens her present]'' 
:'''Mom''': Awww!
:'''Girl''': ''[picks up the dynamite, which is also going off]'' That's weird.
:''[Another dynamite kills the family with explosion. The next scene shows the African-American couple in the living room opening their presents, but find the grenade which the pin is attached to the string. They accidentally pulled the grenade out of the pin, with horrified looks on their faces. Then the grenade explodes, killing the couple. Cut to the North Pole where the group of terrorists held gunpoint at Mrs. Claus an the elves in front of Santa]''
:'''Santa Claus''': Okay, I delivered all the bombs! Now please, don't hurt my family.
:'''Terrorist''': And the Jews? Are the Jews dead too?
:'''Santa Claus''': But...Jews don't even have Christmas!
:'''Terrorist''': Then you have failed!
:'''Santa Claus''': Noooo!
:''[Terrorists shoots Santa]''
:'''Announcer''': Don't forget about terrorism this Christmas. A message from the Department of Ho-Ho-Homeland Security.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The sketch opens with the title card Gift of the Maji written in gold letters appearing on a green background. We then see Della Dillingham Young in a store]''
:'''Della''': I'd like to buy a chain for my husband's watch.
:'''Chain Salesman''': Seventy-five dollars.
:'''Della''': Oh, my! I can't afford that. Unless... ''[cut to Della at a barbershop and taking a seat in a barber's chair]'' I'd like to sell my hair, please.
:''[The female barber pulls out an electric razor and starts shaving Della's hair. Cut to James Dillingham Young at another store]''
:'''James''': I'd like to buy some brushes for my wife's beautiful hair, please.
:'''Brush Salesman''': Seventy-five dollars.
:'''James''': For brushes? What the ''[bleep]''? What are they, solid gold? My watch is 75 dollars and it is a ''[bleep]''ing antique!
:''[A short pause; cut to James at home; Della, who is now bald, enters]''
:'''James''': What the ''[bleep]'' happened to you?
:'''Della''': I wanted to buy you a chain for your watch, so, I sold my hair to do it!
:'''James''': Holy ''[bleep]''! You look like you have cancer! Couldn't you have just let me keep my beautiful wife for Christmas?
:'''Della''': You don't like it?
:'''James''': Well here's where the irony kicks in. I wanted to get you hairbrushes for Christmas, but the man said I'd have to sell my watch to afford them!
:'''Della''': Oh, no! You sold your watch?
:'''James''': ''[Bleep]'', no! What, am I crazy?! For brushes?! I think the cat brush is just as ''[bleep]''ing good and that thing was a buck-fifty!
:'''Della''': So, you didn't get me brushes?
:'''James''': What, did they shave your ears too?! I said no, already!
:'''Della''': Oh... ''[chuckles]'' Then what did you get me?
:'''James''': ''[gives Della a set of lingerie]'' Lingerie! Now, go pop that sucker on! ''[puts a Santa hat on Della's bald head]'' This too!
:'''Della''': ''[drops the lingerie]'' Yeaahhh...I'm gonna go stay with my mom for a while.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The scene opens with Santa's custom sleigh and his reindeer flying in the sky]''
:'''Comet''': How's the view back there, buddy? The light at the end of the tunnel is my ass!
:''[The reindeer behind Comet makes disgusted groans. Cut to Santa hearing a cry for help]''
:'''Voice''': Help me!
:'''Santa Claus''': Huh? Put her down, boys. ''[hey landed the sleigh before he, Comet and his reindeer all gathered at a well and see a little boy, who is unseen, is trapped in the well]'' Help is coming, little boy! Are you hurt?
:'''Little Boy''': ''[from the well]'' I've been down here three days with no food or water! And I pooped in my pants!
:'''Santa Claus''': Three days?! He could die of thirst before we reach him!
:'''Comet''': Not on my watch! ''[starts peeing down the well]''
:'''Santa''': What are you-? Comet! Stop peeing on that child!
:'''Comet''': I saw it on ''Man vs. Wild''. You can drink pee, pee it out and drink it again! Three times if you want!
:'''Little Boy''': This rain tastes like oats.
:''[Clock transition with the sound of jingle bells]''
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[gets off his cell phone]'' The fire department's on its way.
:'''Comet''': There's no time!
:'''Santa Claus''': Comet! No! ''[Comet soars in the air and dives into the well]'' Comet?!
:'''Comet''': Um, okay. I'm stuck like halfway down. Almost there.
:''[Santa facepalms himself. Another clock transition with the sound of a siren. The fire department and the police arrive]''
:'''Fireman''': We could throw down a rope and a harness down to the kid, except your reindeer's plugging up the hole now.
:'''Comet''': Just throw down a grenade!
:'''Santa Claus''': What?!
:'''Comet''': Throw down one grenade to launch me toward the bottom. Then I'll grab the boy with my teeth. And you can throw down a second grenade to launch me to the surface!
:'''Policeman''': Your deer don't know ''[bleep]'' about grenades, does he?
:'''Santa Claus''': He spends most of his life on a frozen tundra. Reindeer don't know ''[bleep]'' about ''[bleep]'', quite frankly.
:'''Fireman''': So, listen, ''[The two reindeer look at each other and toss a grenade down the well]'' thanks to your deer, we're gonna have to excavate half this field.
:''[The grenade explodes and Santa gains consciousness]''
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[shocked]'' Oh, my God! ''[the explosion has blown up the well and everything around it. The two reindeer that threw down the grenade had their heads blown off and their corpses faint]'' Comet?! Little boy?!
:''[Fade to Comet, Santa and the little boy, who is now seen, in a cast and bandages in a hospital room]''
:'''Little Boy''': Thank you, Comet! You saved me!
:'''Comet''': Aw, ain't know thing.
:'''Santa Claus''': Well, actually, about 100 volunteers working around the clock with heavy machinery would've suf-
:'''Little Boy''': I love you, Mr. Comet!
:'''Comet''': I love you too, Mr. Little Boy!
:''[Comet and the little boy both hug]''
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[leaves]'' That still freaks me out.
:'''Comet''': ''[follows with his legs missing and he's floating in midair]'' Yeah. It's 100% badass, alright.
:''[Cut to Comet and Santa outside the hospital]''
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[gets on Comet's back]'' Take us back to the North Pole! And-And don't say the line.
:'''Comet''': Oh, I gotta say the line! Please?! Please?!
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[sighs]'' Fine, fine. Whatever.
:'''Comet''': Ahem. Legs? Where we're going, we don't need legs! ''[soars off with Santa]'' Yeah! ''[towards the camera]'' And away we go!
:''[Christmas Special ends]''

[[Category:Robot Chicken seasons]]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3148015</id>
      <parentid>3147703</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T05:24:14Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* P.S. Yes, In That Way [4.6] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="73077" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
The following is a list of quotes from the fourth season of ''[[Robot Chicken]]''.

===Help Me [4.1]===
:'''Edward''': Steve, you and your wife are wonderful hosts. I'm being sincere.
:'''Steve''': You know, Julie, I don't think you ever got a tour of the house.
:'''Julie''': You're right.
:'''Steve''': Well, come on.
:''[Steve and Julie go upstairs giggling]''
:'''Edward''': More apple pie for us, huh?
:'''Steve's wife''': Oh, you. ''[doorbell rings]'' Who could that be? ''[opens the door]''
:'''Fanfare''': ''[singing] Trojan Man!
:'''Trojan Man''': ''[on horseback]'' Excuse me, madam, but I am needed upstairs!
:'''Steve's wife''': Steve!
:''[Trojan Man rides upstairs, with Edward and Steve's wife following. The following dialogue is unseen]''
:'''Fanfare''': Trojan Man!
:'''Steve''': Keep it down.
:'''Steve's wife''': I knew you acted weird around Julie, you bastard!
:'''Trojan Man''': Put this on your penis.
:'''Steve''': Get off! Get off me! Get off me!
:'''Edward''': Julie, how could you?!
:'''Julie''': My clothes just fell off.
:'''Trojan Man''': Her vagina will appreciate your forethought!
:'''Edward''': Will you shut the ''[bleep]'' up already?! Shut up!
:'''Steve's wife''': I am leaving you!
:'''Fanfare''': Trojan Man!
:'''Edward''': Hey, watch the horse! That was my grandma's– ''[crash]'' Oh, no, you broke it!
:'''Trojan Man''': That would never happen to a Trojan condom.
:'''Fanfare''': ''[singing]'' Trojan Man!
:'''Edward''': ''[crying]'' You said my problem didn't bother you.
:'''Julie''': It doesn't. I mean, Edward, this doesn't change anything.
:'''Edward''': It changes everything!
:'''Trojan Man''': A reservoir tip is for your semen!
:'''Julie''': I got to get out of here. ''[leaves the house, with Edward following her]''
:'''Edward''': You're a whore! You ruined my life, you whore!
:''[Long pause]''
:'''Trojan Man''': I guess I'd better go.
:'''Fanfare''': ''[singing]'' Trojan Man!
:'''Steve''': ''[as Trojan Man rides out]'' Yeah, why don't you just get the ''[bleep]'' outta here? How about that?
:'''Fanfare''': ''[singing]'' Trojan Man!
:'''Trojan Man''': ''[leaving a box of condoms]'' Just in case.
:'''Announcer''': For when you wanna ''[bleep]''! Yeah!

===They Took My Thumbs [4.2]===
:'''Wonder Woman''': You young heroes are so much more than mere sidekicks, you're the future of Justice League of America. Mentoring your progress gives me enormous amount of pride. ''[Kid Flash steals Wonder Woman's suit and heroes gasped]'' Whoa! What the ''[bleep]''?!?! ''[Kid Flash giggles]'' Give me those you little ''[bleep]''stain!
:'''Flash''': I am very, very disappointed in you, boy. ''[whispering]'' Super-speed high five.
:''[Justice League Heroes waves a good-bye for young heroes to teleport and they fell down in a volcano on another planet. Justice League Heroes gasped]''
:'''Wonder Woman''': What happened?
:'''Martian Manhunter''': It wasn't me! Martian Boyhunter did it!

===I'm Trapped [4.3]===
:'''Man 1'''': Hey, who packed my chute?
:'''Man 2''': I did. Why? Don't you trust me?
:'''Man 1''': Are you gonna jump, or are we just gonna jerk each other off?
:''[Long pause. Cut to outside shot of the plane and the door slides shut]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''James Bond''': I was wrong about you, Christmas Jones.
:'''Christmas Jones''': How so?
:'''James Bond''': I thought Christmas only came once a year.
:'''Christmas Jones''': ''[giggles]'' Oh, James.
:''[They kiss; cut to the secret lab where James enters]''
:'''Technician 1''': There he is!
:'''Technician 2''': Oh, I heard you saved the world again!
:'''Technician 1''': So you and Christmas Jones, huh? I can't believe you're tapping that!
:'''James Bond''': Sorry to break it to you, boys. Miss Jones is already yesterday's news.
:''[Flashback shows James and Christmas riding in the car]''
:'''Christmas Jones''': This is me, up on the left.
:'''James Bond''': ''[getting carried away]'' Oh, that's odd. I'd have thought you lived on 34th street.
:'''Christmas Jones''': ''[nervous chuckle]'' Oh, right, because of...my name. Ha.
:''[Scene shows James having sex with Christmas]''
:'''James Bond''': All right, love, time to dick your halls.
:'''Christmas Jones''': Could you maybe stop doing the pun thing?
:'''James Bond''': I can't believe I made it this far into Christmas without wrapping my present.
:'''Christmas Jones''': Wha-wait a second! I'm not on the pill!
:'''James Bond''': Well, I hope you've been dreaming of a white Christmas.
:'''Christmas Jones''': ''[pushes James back on the side of the bed]'' Ugh! I just got a headache.
:'''James Bond''': So, when do I get to meet your friends?
:'''Christmas Jones''': Uh...
:''[Scene cuts to the club party]''
:'''James Bond''': ''[to the party goers]'' So I said, &quot;I thought Christmas only came once a year!&quot;
:'''Christmas Jones''': ''[embarrassed]'' James...
:'''Male Party Goer''': This guy's a tool.
:'''Christmas Jones''': No, no. He's got a really cool car.
:''[Scene shows James and Christmas at the restaurant]''
:'''James Bond''': You're breaking up with me?
:'''Christmas Jones''': There's nothing wrong with you, James. Maybe it's just an age thing.
:'''James Bond''': What, you think I'm too old for Christmas?
:'''Christmas Jones''': ''[nervous chuckle]'' If that helps you, yes.
:''[Cuts to James, who is drunk, crying for being dumped]''
:'''James Bond''': ''[sobbing; takes out a pen gun, and clicks, but it's empty]'' Oh, come on! One of these ''[bleep]''ing things has to be loaded! ''[groans, cries]''
:''[Cut back to the present]''
:'''James Bond''': So I just looked at her, and I said, &quot;Well, I'm sorry, dear, but I'm canceling Christmas!&quot;
:'''Technician 1''': Oh, you dog!
:'''Technician 2''': You're always humping and dumping.
:'''Technician 1''': You're the best, James!
:'''James Bond''': Ah, you know me, I got to be James. ''[chuckles, whimpers]''

===In a DVD Factory [4.4]===
:''[Man shoots a werewolf with a handgun to no effect]''
:'''Werewolf''': Only a silver bullet can kill me.
:''[Man pulls out a minigun and shoots the werewolf to a bloody pulp. He mops it into a bucket, pours gasoline on it, and sets it on fire. When he gets home, he chops the resulting ashes into lines and snorts it like cocaine, after which he violently craps it into a toilet. The crap is processed in a sewage treatment plant. Cut to three kids playing Dungeons &amp; Dragons in a basement]''
:'''Dungeonmaster''': The book says he's still not dead. It has to be a silver bullet.
:'''Knight''': That's a bunch of crap!

===Tell My Mom [4.5]===
:'''Spongebob''': But Sandy! How can you be pregnant? You said you had a sponge in your- ''[realizing]'' Oh, you meant ''me.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Billy Joel and Davy are at a bar drinking beer]''
:'''Billy Joel''': Hey, there. I'm Billy. Billy Joel. What's your name?
:'''Davy''': Davy.
:'''Billy Joel''': And what do you do?
:'''Davy''': I'm in the navy.
:'''Billy Joel''': How long will you do that, do you think?
:'''Davy''': Uh, probably for life.
:'''Billy Joel''': Cool. &quot;Davy&quot; rhymes with &quot;navy.&quot; That's convenient.
:'''Davy''': What?! You'd better not use me in a song, man! I'm on the run from a lot of creditors!
:'''Billy Joel''': No problem, Davy.
:''[Billy Joel prepares to leave when he hits Davy in the head with his bottle of alcohol. Cut to Billy Joel tossing Davy's body into the sea from a pier with a bar on it]''
:'''Billy Joel''': I have absorbed your story, my friend. As the Ancients ate the hearts of lions to gain their strengths! You are one with the Joel now! One with the Joel! ''[laughs evilly as thunder and lightning clashes]''
:''[A caption then appears saying &quot;Billy Joel's single Piano Man was an international smash hit in 1974.&quot; Another caption appears that says &quot;Today it is most downloaded iTunes song.&quot; A final caption appears and says &quot;Davy's body was never recovered.&quot;]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Annie''': Leapin' lizards, Molly! It sure is a hard knock life— 
:'''Molly''': ''[interrupting]'' Actually, we're very lucky Annie.
:'''Annie''': Being an orphan sure don't feel lucky.
:'''Molly''': Then try being an orphan in the Phillipines where hundreds of thousands of orphans are forced into prostitution thanks to sex tourism. In Africa, AIDS has created millions of orphans who won't live to see puberty.
:'''Annie''': Well...I sure don't like that mean ol' Miss Hannigan—!
:'''Molly''': What don't you like exactly? 3 meals a day? A warm bed? Not being HIV positive? Not perfoming fellatio on foreign business men?
:''[Annie went silent, taken aback]''
:'''Molly''': That's what you don't like?
:'''Annie''': Uhh...I think I'm gonna go sweep over there for a while Molly.
:''[Annie walks to her right to where Pepper is washing clothes in a bucket]''
:'''Annie''': Gee, Pepper! Miss Hannigan sure is mean!
:'''Pepper''': Yeah! I hate that bitch!
:''[TIME JUMP: 6 months later]''
:'''Daddy Warbucks''' We sure had a grand adventure, Annie! Your quick wits and spunky can-do spirit saved us all! Is there anything my limitless power and billions of dollars can do for you?
:'''Molly's voice''': Overseas orphans! Fellatio on foreign business men! HIV and AIDS!
:'''Annie''': Hmm...nope!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prince''': ''[arrives outside the tower]'' Ahoy!
:'''Princess''': Is that my prince?! Oh, I knew you'd save me!
:'''Prince''': Stand back, my love. We will soon be together.
:'''Princess''': It won't be long now before my prince takes me in his arms and- ''[but is hit in the back of the head by the prince's hook which makes her smash into a birdcage]'' Careful, my prince! You almost- ''[the prince throws his hook again and it attaches to the her dress and drags her to the window. The hook is thrown in again, but hits the chandelier and shatters it's glass. The shards fall onto the princess and stabs her eyes; making her blind]'' Aaaahhh!!! It's raining glass! I'm blind! Please, stop throwing the hook! ''[the hook hits her in the head, and then is hooked to her clothing dresser]'' Is that you, my prince?! ''[the dresser falls onto her, smashing and killing her. Blood spills everywhere]''
:'''Prince''': ''[climbing]'' I'm coming, my dear! ''[reaches the window and lands on the floor]'' Ah-hah! Now hurry, my love. We don't have much ti- ''[seeing the princess' blood splattered as she was crushed to death]'' Oh, geez! You're not even packed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Outside shot of Davey drowning in the bay, cuts to inside where Billy Joel is singing his song]''
:'''Billy Joel''': ''[singing]'' Pete is a real estate novelist.
:'''Pete''' ''[while typing on his laptop]'': Hey, that's me!
:'''Billy Joel''': ''[singing]'' That's a cute way of saying &quot;Pete's broke.&quot;
:'''Pete''': ''[confused]'' What?
:'''Billy Joel''': ''[singing]'' I'll laugh at his life while I’m humping his wife,''
:'''Pete''': ''[shocked]'' Sheila?!
:'''Billy Joel''': ''[singing]'' Cause Pete’s tiny shlong is a joke. ''[Pete looks horrified]'' My piano, it sounds like God's symphony! And my microphone smells like the poor. ''[a man puts money in Billy's tip jar]'' They put bread in my cup and their lives all suck.
:'''Man''': ''[shocked]'' Huh?!
:'''Billy Joel''': ''[singing]'' If I quit this gig, they lose all interest in living, since life would have no meaning, and they'd blow their brains out on to the floor. ''[the crowd begins to boo]'' La, da, di, da, da! ''[pulls out a gun while singing and the crowd falls silent]'' La, di, di, dolly da! Down on your knees! I'm the Piano God! Pray to the songs that I've sung! Tell me I'm too good to work here! Then put my balls right on your tongue! ''[smiles as the song ends]''
:''[Outside the bar, Billy counts his &quot;earnings&quot;]''
:'''Billy Joel''': Great. All singles.
:'''Pete''': ''[off-screen in a creepy voice]'' Hey Joel.
:''[Pete comes up from behind and stabs Billy repeatedly until Billy finally falls over dead. Pete wipes his brow and sighs happily. Pete's phone rings and he answers, also happily]''
:'''Pete's agent:''' Pete? This is your agent! The publishers loved your novel! Time to quit the real estate biz, brother! Oh, by the way, the hospital called, and your wife died of crotch rot. Sorry, man.
:''[Pete closes his phone. The shot switches to overhead as Pete looks to the sky]''
:'''Pete''': POETIC JUSTICE!!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Tony Stark walks into his home, only to find Nick Fury in it]''
:'''Tony''': Who the hell are you?
:'''Nick Fury''': Nick Fury, director of S.H.I.E.L.D. I've come to talk to you about the Avengers Initiative.
:'''Tony''': At my house? In the middle of the night? And who the hell are ''you''?
:''[Camera pans to a burglar holding what appears to be a TV]''
:'''Nick''': Run, stupid! ''[he and the burglar run away, knocking over Stark in the process]''

===P.S. Yes, In That Way [4.6]===
:'''Mario''': You know, Donkey Kong, at $137 a barrel, this is a tremendous a-waste. ''[takes a barrel]'' I keep it a-now.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Strawberry Shortcake and her friends are giggling and singing, when suddenly we hear Black Cherry Pie scream]''
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': ''[screams]'' Ahhhh!!! Someone's stolen my black cherry!
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': Oh no, Black Cherry Pie! Your black cherry is gone?!
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': Yes! I bet it was Fudge Turnover, he loves black cherries!
:''[Cut to Fudge Turnover]''
:'''Fudge Turnover''': I'd NEVER take someone's Black Cherry without their consent!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[appears]'' Mmmm, that's not what I heard.
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Oh shut up, Bitch Pudding!
:''[Cut to the Purple Pieman's house, where he is sitting in his armchair. A rock smashes through his window]''
:'''Purple Pieman''': ''[startled]'' Son of a bitch! ''[sees Strawberry Shortcake and Black Cherry Pie outside the broken window]''
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': We're berry mad at you!
:'''Purple Pieman''': Get off my lawn, you stupid bitches!
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': You stole my black cherry!
:'''Purple Pieman''': Sorry honey, I'm into Asian chicks. ''[smells fire and turns around to find his house is on fire]'' Fire? FIRE! My valuables! ''[runs to his framed photos of his mother and Rachael Ray]'' Mama! Rachael Ray! Only time to save-a-one of you... ''[takes the signed photo of Rachel Ray off of the wall and runs out of the house, but Strawberry Shortcake, Blueberry Muffin, and Black Cherry Pie all stone the Purple Pieman to death while yelling at him in unison]'' Ahhh, you ''[bleep]''ing twats! Oh ho! Ahh-eyah! Oh! Ahh! You bitches!
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': I'm not sure how this gets my black cherry back...
:''[The three dump the Purple Pieman's body into a grave they have dug]''
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': Nobody says a ''[bleep]''ing word, or we all go to Rikers Island for a berry berry berry long time!
:'''Huckleberry Pie''': ''[shows up, eating Black Cherry Pie's black cherry]'' Hey, wazzup?
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': My black cherry! Huckleberry Pie, you asshole! I can't beleive you took my black cherry! ''[chases a laughing Huckleberry Pie off-screen]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': I heard she left home because her daddy took her black cherry. ''[the others look confusedly]'' BLAM! You all get a taste of the Bitch Pudding!

===Love, Maurice [4.7]===
:'''Singer:''' I wanna rock! ''[a rock is thrown at him]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:O. J. Simpson|O.J. Simpson]]:''' Oh my! What did you do?! 
:'''[[Who Framed Roger Rabbit|Roger Rabbit]]:''' What did I do? [[Strangers on a Train (film)|We had a deal]]. Now, it's your turn to kill [[w:Jessica Rabbit|my wife]].
:'''O.J. Simpson:'''  I can't take the life of another human being.
:'''Roger Rabbit:''' P-P-P-P-Please?
:'''O.J. Simpson:''' No!
:'''Roger Rabbit:''' But, but, but, but, but, we had a deal. See? You don't wanna see me when I'M STEAMED!! ''[causes steam to come out of himself]'' Take care of my wife or it's curtains for you!
:'''O.J. Simpson:''' Oh no!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''O.J. Simpson:''' ''[repeated line]'' Don't get cut, bitch!

===Two Weeks without Food [4.08]===
:''[We start on a gray background with the title: &quot;GREAT MOMENTS IN DUMB KID HISTORY&quot; between two white lines]''
:'''Announcer''': Great moments in dumb kid history!
:''[A woman is seen driving her car with her two children behind her and her son poking his sister repeatedly]''
:'''Mother''': ''[getting annoyed]'' If you touch your sister one more time, I am driving this car into a lake!
:''[After a few seconds, her son sneakily does it anyway, causing her to get totally fed up and start driving ferociously into a lake. Before she can, however, we cut to static]''

===But Not in That Way [4.09]===
:'''Black Manta''': ''[narrating]'' The Joker came to Arkham Asylum in the summer of aught nine. I know as much because I remember thinking, &quot;That is the whitest son of a bitch I have ever seen.&quot; ''[the Joker enters the warden's office]'' He had a funny way about him, not &quot;ha-ha&quot; funny, more &quot;stab-stab&quot; funny.
:'''Joker''': ''[on the microphone]'' Welcome back to Arkham's Top 40. The Riddler writes: &quot;Joker, can you please play 'Who Let the Dogs Out?'&quot; ''[through speaker]'' Well, Riddler, here's your deathroom dedication.
:'''Riddler''': ''[triumphantly]'' Yes!
:'''Black Manta''':''[narrating]'' He even found a way to fool the Sodomites.
:'''Sodomite''': Come here, Joker. I'm gonna fill that balloon up real good. ''[the camera shows a Joker balloon]''
:'''Black Manta''': ''[narrating]'' And despite appearances, we became friends.
:'''Joker''': I hear you're a man who can get things.
:'''Black Manta''': Well, that depends.
:'''Joker''': I need a large poster of Phyllis Diller.
:'''Black Manta''': That may take time.
:'''Joker''': Time's the one thing I've got. ''[long pause]'' Well, that and dementia.
:''[Later at night]''
:'''Batman''': ''[checking the name list]'' Scarecrow; check. Two-Face; check. Joker? ''[not responding]'' Joker, you better be sick or dead in there or I ''[bleep]'' you not!
:'''Black Manta''': ''[narrating]'' I remember thinking it would take a man a hundred years to tunnel out of Arkham.
:'''Batman''': ''[enters the Joker's empty prison cell]'' What the hell?!
:'''Black Manta''': ''[narrating]'' The Joker did it in just two days. ''[laughs]'' Clearly, I gots trouble with the math.
:'''Batman''': ''[takes off the poster of Phyllis Diller to reveal the hole in the wall]'' Think you can escape in the sewer line, huh, Joker?! Not with the Batman on your tail! ''[in the sewer pipe]'' Ugh, smells like Batman Forever.
:'''Joker''': ''[revealed, laughing]'' Sucker!
:'''Black Manta''': ''[narrating]'' But what we didn't know was that the Joker hadn't actually left yet.
:'''Joker''': Buffalo wings, do your thing! ''[takes a crap and flushes toilet]''
:'''Batman''': Ughh! Hello, there's a man down there; please don't flush anything for a while!
:'''Joker''': Oooowhee! Forget about The Green Mile, try walking the brown mile!
:'''Batman''': ''[getting flushed on]'' Oh, God, oh, God! ''[crap takes him out of the sewer]''
:'''Black Manta''': ''[narrating]'' Batman crawled through a river of ''[bleep]'' 500 yards long. I remember thinking that was probably the length of five Ping-Pong tables; again, not so good with the math. I remember thinking you have to be pretty insane to play a joke, like that on the Batman.
:''[The rain and music immediately stops]''
:'''Batman''': Oh, come on!
:'''Black Manta''': ''[narrating]'' Then again, I remember thinking that was pretty damn funny.
:''[Batman hears the Joker laughing, and walks off; disappointed]''

===I Love Her [4.10]===
:'''Announcer''': And now back to ''Living Lohan''.
:'''Dina Lohan''': Ali, who drank all the ''[bleep]''ing orange juice?
:'''Ali Lohan''': I don't know mom, maybe the ''[bleep]''ing Orange Juice Fairy did it!
:'''Dina''': Don't get smart with me!
:'''Ali''': Well, don't you be a big ranting bitch face!
:'''Both''': I NEED A CIGARETTE!!
:'''Dina''': Augh! Why are all these cameras always invading my privacy?
:''[Gyro-Robo is playing next to a sprinkler in his yard with a broom]''
:'''Daniel/Gyro-Robo''': Sorry, Cobra Commander, but your Weather Dominator, currently stuck on rain, apparently, is no match for the ninja skills of Snake Eyes! ''[Ali peers over the fence looking at Gyro-Robo]'' Oops, supposed to be me.
:'''Ali''': Ha, ha, ha, ha! What are you doing?
:'''Daniel/Gyro-Robo''': That is no concern of yours, civilian! Identify yourself at once! Preferably with a capable, shapeable file card.
:'''Ali''': I'm Ali Lohan. Duh! My mom and I just moved into this crappy neighborhood to shoot our TV show, called Living Lohan.
:'''Daniel/Gyro-Robo''': Aren't you a little young to be smoking?
:'''Ali''': Aren't you a little fat to be fat? Knock-knock. Who's there? You love food! ''[jumps off the fence]''
:'''Daniel's Mother''': Honey, were you talking to the new neighbor? I think their dog's been pooping in our yard.
:'''Daniel/Gyro-Robo''': What? Awww, poop! ''[goes to Lindsay's kitchen]''
:'''Lindsay Lohan''': Go to hell, Mom! I told you! I'm not gonna be on your show! It's demeaning to my career. ''[makes &quot;cut&quot; sign to camera man]'' I'm gonna try that again with 10 percent more conviction. Or possibly, 1000 PERCENT!!! ''[doorbell rings]'' Who in God's green Smurf are you?
:'''Daniel/Gyro-Robo''': Madame, does it look like my name is Tripwire? Because as I am not the GI Joe minesweeper, I would appreciate it if your dog didn't leave chocolate land mines all over my yard!
:'''Lindsay''': Okay, nothing you said made any sense!
:'''Daniel/Gyro-Robo''': Don't let your dog go poopie!
:'''Lindsay''': Oh, OH!! ''[flashback to one nighttime]'' Ha, ha, ha, ha! Dah, dah, dah, dum, dum! Ha, night dump! I'm just fertilizing the lawn, aah! ''[back to present]'' Bad dog! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
:''[At Daniel/Gyro-Robo's front lawn]''
:'''Daniel/Gyro-Robo''': Firebolt! Firebolt!
:'''Terrence''': Freethyro! Freethyro!
:'''Nerd''': Ork, ork, ork! I'm an ork!
:'''Daniel/Gyro-Robo''': Terrence, I gotta say, I'm not buying this at all, so...
:'''Lindsay''': Beep, Beep! Honk, honk! I'm Herbie! ''[hits Daniel/Gyro-Robo and Terrence]''
:'''Terrence''': Hey!
:'''Lindsay''': Loud horn! ''[Bleep]'' You! Good job, Herbie!
:'''Daniel/Gyro-Robo''': Excuse me! This is a parallel universe, where savagery meets sorcery! There is no Herbie.
:'''Lindsay''': Herbie ''is'' magic, idiot! ''[kicks nerd down]'' Beep beep!
:'''Daniel/Gyro-Robo''': Stop it!
:'''Lindsay''': Aughh! Why are you always following me? ''[cues cameraman to come closer, whispers]'' Follow me.
:'''Munson''': ...And in this corner, it's Munson! ''[steps on Terrence]''
:'''Daniel/Gyro-Robo''': Get out of here, Munson!
:'''Munson''': ''[knocks Gyro-Robo down, then slaps him'' Munson one, gay crap zero!
:'''Daniel/Gyro-Robo''': Stop it, Munson! Oh, how I hate you!
:'''Lindsay''': Beep, beep!. ''[looks at Munson]'' Oooh, a bad boy!
:'''Munson''': Oh, a damaged chick with daddy issues. ''[slaps Gyro-Robo]'' Hey baby!
:'''Lindsay''': I don't know what that is, but I hope it means penis!
:''[Daniel is watching'' Living Lohan'' on TV]''
:'''Lindsay''': Too bad, mom. I love him, and I'm pregnant!!
:'''Dina''': Well, so am I!
:'''Lindsay''' Well, your baby's gonna have cobwebs, cause you're all old, and your notaries are all bunched up and dusty!!
:'''Dina''': ''[Bleep]'' You!
:'''Ali''': Why didn't anyone pick me up after my ''[bleep]''ing ultrasound?!
:'''Daniel/Gyro-Robo''': Ah, looks like I'm moving again.
:'''Dina''': I'M THE GREATEST MOM IN THE WORLD!!!'''

===We Are a Humble Factory [4.11]===
:'''News Reporter:''' ...And to all you kids under 18 watching Robot Chicken, shame on your parents.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[A nature guide and some students are out in the open: the students are playing on their cell phones]''
:'''Nature guide''': Okay, kids, who wants to learn about different types of leaves? ''[the students pause, then continue to play with their phones]'' Okay, who wants to play on your cell phones and Twitter your Facebooks? Oh, whatever. The hell, I guess I'll smoke behind that tree. See ya.
:''[Everyone walks away, until only the Nerd remains, holding a piece of cardboard with pictures of leaves on it]''
:'''Nerd''': But...what about the leaves? ''[sees a pool of water with a sign that reads, &quot;Spring of the Drowned Girl&quot;]'' Oh, my Gosh! Just like the classic anime, ''[[w:Ranma 1/2|Ranma Nibun no Ichi]]. '' [[w:Ranma Saotome|Whoever bathes in the Spring of Drowned Girl will become an awesomely sexy lady]]. So the question is, do I want to be an awesomely sexy lady? Hmmm.... ''[imagines what it would be like if he were...The Nerd has become a girl and examines himself]''Oh, my Gosh! I've got-and I've-and this is-and these are-ohhh, they feel so good to the hand!
:''[The Nerd is buying a stack of comic books at a comic store]''
:'''Harry Knowles''': That will be $68.50... ''[the Nerd flashes him]'' By which I mean free!
:'''Nerd:''' What wonderful powers! Hee hee!
:''[The Nerd is seen in a dressing room, dressing up as Lara Croft, Elektra Natchios, Tifa Lockhart from Final Fantasy, and Catwoman]''
:'''Nerd''': ''[as Lara Croft]'' Hmmm... any tombs ''you'd'' like to raid? ''[as Elektra Natchios]'' The Frank Miller one, not the Jennifer Garner one. ''[as Tifa Lockhart]'' This may be your final fantasy. ''[as Catwoman]'' How about a look at ''these'' jewels, Batman? ''[is seen wandering through the girls' shower]'' La chee do ti do...Hello, ladies, yes, good to see you. Just another girl. Oh, gosh, these are so heavy.
:'''Blond Girl''': Oh...let us help you!
:'''Nerd''': That's good, that's good, you're really helping, girls! ''[moans]''
:'''Second Girl''': Hey, doesn't hot water turn Ranma into a boy again?
:'''Blond Girl''': Hey, yeah!
:''[The Nerd suddenly turns back into a boy and covers himself up]''
:'''Girls''': Eww!
:''[The girls start beating up the Nerd]''
:'''Blond Girl''': Gross!
:'''Nerd''': Well, it's still...you know, skin contact. ''[The red-haired girl jumps on him]'' Whoopee! 
:''[The scene fades back to the Nerd standing at the spring]''
:'''Nerd''': Yes, I ''do'' wanna be an awesomely sexy lady! Hee hee hee! &quot;Mammarize&quot; me, forces of the universe! ''[jumps into the spring]'' Splash, splash, splash!
:''[The Nerd hides as the students and the guide walk up to the spring]''
:'''Nature guide''': And, tragically, this is where a young lady drowned many years ago. 
:'''Boy''': Was she hot? 
:'''Nature guide:''' The brochure says she was 400 pounds, with a clubbed foot and chronic flatulence. So, no. Anyway, back on the bus, everybody. Move it around...
:'''Nerd''': ''[shocked]'' Oh, no!
:''[Cut to school hallways: the Nerd has become overweight and club-footed and is wearing a &quot;Team Awesome&quot; shirt]''
:'''Kaitlin''': Hey! You must be the new girl. My name's Kaitlin. ''[before he can speak, the Nerd farts]'' Eww!
:'''Nerd''': Dang it.''[farts a few more times]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Triple H:''' John Cena was supposed to challenge me for this championship tonight but apparently he got lost on his way here.
:'''JR''': ''[at the announcer table with another announcer]'' That is a load of bull. We saw Triple H let the air out of John Cena's tires. DAMN HIM!!!
:'''Triple H''': I guess if nobody's man enough to challenge me, I'll just take my championship belt and go home.
:''[Just then, a music plays and everyone cheers as Dakota Fanning walks to the ring, angrily, with her theme intro]''
:'''JR''': IT'S HER! IT'S HER! Dakota Fanning is in the building and she looks pissed!
:'''Announcer''': And lets not forget the Dakota's new movie ''[An advertisement of the movie appears while seeing Triple H scolding Dakota]'' ''Wishmagic: The Horse Who Wrote Poems'' opens Friday at theaters across the country!
:'''Dakota''': ''[snatches the microphone from Triple H]'' I taught I was here to talk about ''Wishmagic''...[whisper outside the mike]...The horse who wrote poems''...But apparently some son of a bitch have to go run his mouth! ''[then starts attacking Triple H and start stomping his head to make him bleed]''
:'''JR''': IT'S ON! It's on now! Triple H is in a world of....
:'''Dakota:''' ''[toss Triple H on top of the ringpole and going to do her finisher]'' Here comes a good part! ''[Does a finisher and crashes Triple H onto the announcer's table, breaking it in the process]''
:'''JR''': THE DAKONATOR! THE DAKONATOR! This match is over if she can pin him in the ring!
:''[Just then, John Cena's intro is played while John Cena rushes into the ring]''
:'''JR''': It's John Cena! He must want a piece of Triple H too. ''[Instead, John Cena saves Triple H and start attacking Dakota and after he locks Dakota into submission and hitting her, Triple H came back with a steel chair and start hitting Dakota's face]'' OH NO! It's a damn double-cross! John Cena and Triple H must have set up Dakota from the beginning! AWWW! DAMN THEM! DAMN THEM! ''[An advertisement about Wishmagic appears below the screen] Wishmagic: The Horse Who Wrote Poems'' opens Friday! DAMN THEM TO HELL!

===Maurice Was Caught [4.12]===
:'''Kids''': &quot;Start sharing!&quot;
:'''Kid''': I like sharing.
:'''Kermit''': Yeah! Everybody’s sharing, that's the way you’re supposed to do it. Hi, ol' Gordo! Everybody, this is my cousin [[w:Gordon Gekko|Gordon the Gecko]]. Gordon is a powerful executive on Wall Street. What do you think about sharing?
:'''Gordon the Gecko''': The rich just 1% of this country, Owns half its country wealth. $5,000,000,000,000—
:'''Count von Count''': $1,000,000,000,000! he he he, Two Trill-
:'''Gordon the Gecko''': ''[pushes the Count]'' Shut up. Greed, for lack for better word is good, greed works.
:'''Kid''': My dad says being greedy is bad.
:'''Gordon the Gecko''': Your dad wouldn't know how to pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel. Is Kermit over here sharing with you, to sit here and sing songs?!
:'''Kermit''': Ok, Gordo! It's time to get back to the office.
:'''Gordon the Gecko''': See this building behind me, first place I ever bought, flipped it and made $800,000. It was better then sex!
:'''Kermit''': Ok, who wants a share a healthy after-school snack?
:'''Kids''': I want to make 800,000 dollars!
:'''Kid''': Me too!
:'''Gordon the Gecko''': First, you have to quit dressing up like 9-year old kids. Lets go buy these ''[bleep]''ers some little suits.
:'''Kermit''': Well, I guess that lesson is brought to you by the number &quot;Douchebag!&quot;

===Unionizing Our Labor [4.13]===
:''[1984 Libertarian party convention]''
:'''Candidate 1''': Thank you, my Libertarian friends, for making us your nominees for president and vice president of the United States of America!
:'''Candidate 2''': 1984 is the year of the Libertarian party! We will be champions!
:'''Candidate 1''': Yes, unfortunately, the rock band Queen won't let us play their hit &quot;We Are The Champions&quot;, but enjoy this soundalike, which we will play IN THE WHITE HOUSE!
:'''Singer 1''': ''[to the tune of &quot;We Are The Champions&quot;]'' We are the victors of the Globe. And we'll continue doing stuff...
:''[1988 Libertarian party convention, the candidates have longer hair]''
:'''Candidate 1''': Four years ago, I said that we would be champions...How wrong I was. Ronald Reagan soundly beat us.
:'''Candidate 2''': In fact we received less than one percent of one percent of the vote.
:'''Candidate 1''': But it is 1988 and the country needs to come together like a family.
:'''Candidate 2''': We are family! We are family!
:'''Candidate 1''': Don't worry, Sister Sledge, this is not your copyright-protected musical hit &quot;We Are Family&quot;. It's something better!
:'''Singer 2''': ''[to the tune of &quot;We Are Family&quot;]'' We are a close-knit group! Co-workers and aquaintances!
:''[1992 Libertarian party convention, the candidates are noticeably older, and now have wives]''
:'''Candidate 2''': Four years ago, we asked America to join our family...America said no.
:'''Candidate 1''': So we decided to make loving families of our own. Who else wants to get on board the love train?
:'''Candidate 2''': Sadly, The O-Jays wouldn't let us use their hit song &quot;Love Train&quot;.
:'''Candidate 1''': Even though it expresses every political ideal we stand for!
:'''Candidate 2''': Next stop, the White House.
:'''Candidate 1''': Toot toot! All aboard!
:'''Singer 3''': [to the tune of &quot;Love Train&quot;] Citizens of the Earth, come on. Ride the Friend Choo-choo, ride the Friend Choo-choo, yeah, ride the Friend Choo-choo.
:''[2008 Libertarian party convention, the candidates are now old men]''
:'''Candidate 2''': Well, sadly, not a single voter chose to board the friendship choo-choo. Worse, despite using the soundalike, The O-Jays ''still'' sued us.
:'''Candidate 1''': During the 16-year legal battle, unsavory private matters were revealed, resulting in the spectacular in-court suicide of my beautiful wife, Jennette.
:'''Candidate 2''': My wife Sarah also committed suicide, but, uh, that was unrelated to the trial.
:'''Candidate 1''': These tragedies taught us that life, like voting for a third party, are ultimately meaningless.
:'''Candidate 2''': So, in the end, all we, the Libertarian party, are is &quot;Dust In the Wind&quot;. ''[Candidate 1 stammers]]' I mean, all of us is airborne minidirt!
:'''Candidate 1''': Airborne minidirt, y'all!
:'''Singer 4''': ''[to the tune of &quot;Dust In the Wind&quot;]'' All of us is airborne minidirt...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa''': ''[taking a dump, sigh]'' Gotta cut back on the smurfberries. All that fiber turns my intestines into a smurfin' log flume. Wonder who the page 3 girl is...gee, Smurfette, shocker...''[flushes toilet, the toilet starts overflowing)]'' Uh oh, oh no, go down, go down. Oh no, OH NO, OH, OH SMURF ME UP THE SMURF!!!
:''[Cuts to a scene with Papa and Handy. Handy's covered in mud]''
:'''Handy''': The village septic tank is smurfed to hell!
:'''Papa''': Well, Handy, we're a communist society, so hurry up and fix it for free.
:'''Handy''': You don't understand! The tank ruptured! The sewage has smurfed into the water table!
:''[Meanwhile]''
:'''All Star''': Ugh, Uncle Gaileo, I feel sick! Everything tastes like rotten smurfberries!
:'''Gaileo''': Our water has been contaminated, Allstar!
:'''All Star''': So, how does a test tube work underwater exactly?
:'''Gaileo''': It doesn't take a scientist to figure out those JERK ASS SMURFS are dumping CRAP in our lake again!
:''[Cuts to a scene with three Smurfs, they see something in the sky]''
:'''Smurf 1''': Are those flying fish!?
:'''Grouchy''': I HATE flying fish!
:'''Smurf 1''': Are those flying fish stuffed with DYNAMITE!?
:'''Grouchy''': I HATE flying fish stuffed with dy- ''[a fish collides with the three smurfs, it explodes, killing all three Smurfs. More fish fall from the sky, suicide bombing the Smurf Village straight to hell]''
:'''All Star''': I-I really have an ethical problem with this...
:'''Gaileo''': What? They're volunteering. ''[to the fish while lighting its fuse]'' Just remember; seventy-two fish virgins await you in Fish Heaven!
:''[Back on the battlefield]''
:'''Papa''': TO ME, MY SMURFS! IT'S WAR! WAR!!!
:''[There's a huge explosion in the background. A smurf in some kind of shock toddles toward Papa. He can't hear a thing Papa is saying]''
:'''Deaf''': I CAN'T HEAR! I CAN'T HEAR!
:'''Papa''': You couldn't hear before! Your name is &quot;Deaf Smurf&quot; for God's sakes!
:'''Deaf''': ''[remembers]'' OH YEAH! WELL, IT STILL SUCKS.
:''[Just then, the snork army marches on to the battlefield from the water. Cut to a scene with Vanity and some other Smurf]''
:'''Vanity''': See? like Braveheart.
:''[The other smurf smacks him across the face, knocking him out. Cuts to a scene with a snork opening up one of Jokey Smurf's exploding gift boxes]''
:'''Snork''': ''[gasps]'' A present!
:''[The box blows up in his face, killing him in the process]''
:'''All Star''': EVERYONE! STOP PICKING UP THE PRESENTS!!! ''[ime slows down as another snork falls victim to Jokey's present bombs]'' NOOOOOOOOO!!!
:''[Nearly all the snorks were soundly defeated by the present bombs. Cut to a scene with Brainy Smurf and a bunch of other smurfs]''
:'''Brainy''': Everyone listen to me, we're gonna outflank them with a pinster meneuver. Then, we'll encircle them with a blitzkrieg.
:'''Smurf 2''': Oh, you don't know what your smurfin' about, Brainy!
:'''Brainy''': Papa Smurf put me in charge. and Papa Smurf is always right. because Papa Smurf... ''[sees that he's surrounded by snorks. Two seconds later, he's nothing but a head and whatever remained of his body, and was Amazed]'' Hey it's true! The brain does stay alive after desmurfitation! ''[dies]''
:''[Back on the battlefeild, the Smurf's defenses are picking off the snorks, one by one. A red snork, gulps down a tank of gasoline and becomes a walking flamethrower, killing the Smurfs]''
:'''Daffney''': Stop it, you stupid boys! This isn't accomplishing anything!
:''[One of the Smurfs stop dead in his tracks]''
:'''Smurf 3''': Are you a-are you a-a female?!
:'''Daffney''': Well, sure I am, why?
:''[Two more Smurfs appear on screen]''
:'''Smurf 4''': We thought there was only one girl in the whole world! ''[directs attention towards Smurfette]'' This tired, old, worn out whore over here!
:'''Smurfette''': HEY!
:''[Cuts to a scene where Governor Wetworth and Papa Smurf are signing a peace treaty]''
:'''Papa''': So it's agreed, we'll stop smurfing our turds in your lake.
:''[Snorks all cheer]''
:'''Governor''': And in return, we shall give you photos of our women.
:''[The Smurfs all cheer and then a moments silence]''
:'''Papa''': ...To masturbate too?
:'''Governor''': Yes, to masturbate too.
:''[Governor and Papa shake hands, the Smurfs and snorks all cheer, but the Smurfs are a little more overexcited than the snorks. Cut to a scene where Daffney is being paparazzied by the Smurfs]''
:'''Daffney''' Unbelievable! Rotten, scumbag men. AAARGH!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Robot Chicken credits roll]''
:''[A scene where a fish is talking to Satan in hell]''
:'''Satan''': HAHAHA, YOU STUPID FISH! GET IN THE FRYING PAN!
:''[The fish does just that]''
:'''Stinger''': End.

===President Hu Forbids It [4.14]===
:''[There are two boats in Gotham Harbor, a yeoman approaches the captain]''
:'''Yeoman''': Sir, the whole boat is rigged to explode! And I found this! [displays a detonator]''
:''[Meanwhile, all the passangers are in the seating area, the intercom turns on]''
:'''Joker''': Greetings from the Joker. &quot;Why so serious?&quot; Anyway, we have a boat of civilians and a boat of prison inmates. I will blow up both boats at midnight.
:'''Man 1''': Oh, my God!
:'''Joker''' However, each boat has a detonator that will blow up the opposite boat. If one boat decides to blow up the other boat prior to midnight, I will not blow up the boat that blows up the other boat. It's quite the moral quandary, is it not?
:'''Man 2''': Then let's vote on neither boat blowing up.
:'''GIRL''': No, he said we decide.
:'''Man 3''': Then I decide that neither boat blows up!
:'''Captain''': Wait, wait...so, we vote?
:'''Woman''': No, we...we just press a button, I think.
:'''Man 4''': I don't understand. What does this prove, exactly?
:'''Man 5''': Uh, Mister Joker, sir? We came to a consensus: we vote that neither boat should blow up.
:''[The passengers agree]''
:'''Joker''': That's not a choice!
:'''Man 5''': Uh..uh, you better explain it again then, I guess.
:'''Joker''': ''[sighs]'' I will blow up both the boats-
:'''Man 1''': Oh my God!
:'''Joker''': —unless, UNLESS, one boat blows up the other boat first.
:'''Man 5''': Uh, w-what are the other options?
:'''Joker''': There are no other options.
:'''Old Lady''': Ask him when both boats blow up.
:'''Joker''': MIDNIGHT! MIDNIGHT! MIDNIGHT!
:'''Captain''': Alright folks, that gives us a good 15 minutes. Everyone, into the lifeboats!
:'''Joker''': No, no lifeboats! I said that you couldn't use them.
:'''Man 6''': You never said that!
:'''Joker''': I did, way back in the beginning.
:'''Man 5''': You better go over the rules again.
:'''Joker''': ''[clearly exasperated]'' Oh, for H- it's a catch 22! Look, there are two boats. At midnight—
:''[Batman cuts him off by hitting him with a board]''

===Due To Constraints of Time and Budget [4.15]===
:'''Narrator''': One day in the Concrete Jungle of Nool, an elephant named Morton played &quot;hooky&quot; from school. He was chillin' on the stoop, just peachin' on the block...When onto his trunk landed a tiny crack rock. He thought...
:'''Morton''': I could sell this, make five or six bucks!
:'''Narrator''': But then he heard a tiny voice that hollered...
:'''Voices''': What, what!
:''[Morton bends down close to the rock and listens]''
:'''Narrator''': Morton listened closely, and held very still. He could hear tiny voices in the town of What-Whatville. ''[The camera zooms in on the rock. A tiny city is seen. Strange creatures resembling the Whos from Dr. Seuss' books are seen on a dance floor. A DJ is in the background]'' They were having a party, with a DJ in the cut, and everybody was yelling...
:'''What-Whatians''': What, what!
:''[The screen cuts back to Morton]''
:'''Narrator''': Morton had a new purpose, he had a new drive: to hide the rock and keep the party alive. ''[Morton decides to conceal the rock from sight. He walks to the right, and confronts a drugged-up kangaroo with blackened eyelids]'' He walked down the street, and out of the blue, he came face to face with Crackhead Kangaroo. She was shaking and twitching, her eyelids were black. She said...
:'''Kangaroo''': ''[stammering]'' M-M-M-M-Morton, I'll s-s-suck your C-C-C-COCK for that crack!
:''[A strange look crosses Morton's face as he looks at the rock. He walks behind a dumpster with the kangaroo]''
:'''Narrator''': Well, sometimes an elephant just has to nut. So that was the end of the world of...
:'''What-Whatians''': What, what!
:''[The What-Whatians and their world are set ablaze when the rock is lit up. Everyone screams]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Announcer''': Hey, my ex-girlfriend, how do eat a Reese's Piece, buttercup?
:'''Ex-Girlfriend''': I pretend the peanut butter is your soul, and I suck it out and then I crush the remaining empty husk in my cruel, cold fist.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Beatles]]''': ''[singing]'' We are sailing underwater-ater-ater, all the fishes look delicious, colors, drugs, rainbows and hugs...
:'''Old Fred''': Wait! Be quiet! Something's showing up on the radar!
:'''[[Paul McCartney]]''': Maybe it's Ringo's lunch. He ate a big sandwich.
:'''[[Ringo Starr]]''': I still have sand in me mouth. ''[spits out sand]''
:'''Old Fred''': Shh! Look!
:''[An image of a submarine appears on the radar]''
:'''[[John Lennon]]''': Sandwiches are me bread and butter.
:'''Paul McCartney''' Good one, John.
:'''Old Fred''' Damn it, shut the hell up! It's a submarine from the land of the Blue Meanies! The Dreaded &quot;Blue October&quot;! I'm gonna send them a ping.
:''[Soundwaves come from the Yellow Submarine. They reach a blue sub with yellow lines on its side. Cut to the inside of the Blue October. Two Meanies resembling Captain Marko Ramius and Jack Ryan have heard the ping]''
:'''Meanie Captain''': Was that a ping?
:'''Meanie Lieutenant''': Yes, Sir!
:'''Meanie Captain''': You know we don't say &quot;yes&quot; in Meanie Land.
:'''Meanie Lieutenant''': I'm so sorry, no, Sir. Should I ping them back, Sir?
:'''Meanie Captain''': No...
:'''Meanie Lieutenant''': No?
:'''Meanie Captain''': No...I said, &quot;no&quot;...Do you understand?
:'''Meanie Lieutenant''': No.
:'''Meanie Captain:''': Ping them back.
:'''Meanie Lieutenant''': Yes, Sir! I mean, no, sir.
:''[The Lieutenant sends a ping back to the Yellow Submarine]''
:'''Old Fred''': They pinged us back!
:'''Paul McCartney''': I know. My ears are still pinging.
:'''John Lennon''': Hey, I have an [[idea]]. What's the most important thing in the [[world]]?
:'''Ringo Starr''': [[LSD|Acid]].
:'''John Lennon''': After that?
:'''Ringo Starr''': Love.
:'''John Lennon''': That's right. Maybe those meanies in the &quot;Blue October&quot; don't want to declare war. Maybe they want to declare love and defect to Pepperland.
:'''Paul McCartney''': There's only one way to find out. Let's sing a song about love.
:'''Old Fred''': Oh...
:'''Beatles:''': ''[Love your love with love...Just love your love with love...]''
:'''Meanie Captain''': They're singing! Maybe they know we're trying to defect to Pepperland.
:'''Meanie Lieutenant''': Sir, another submarine from Meanie Land followed us!
:''[The camera zooms up to show another sub with red lines on its side. Inside, a Meanie Officer resembling Viktor Tupolev and his lackey are shown]''
:'''Meanie Officer''': Open the glove compartment! Fire!
:''[The enemy sub launches the Dreadful Flying Glove from its front]''
:'''Old Fred''': Another submarine fired a glove at the ''Blue October''!
:'''John Lennon''': I know what to do. Steer our Submarine straight toward the glove.
:'''Old Fred''': You're crazy! We'll all die!
:'''[[George Harrison]]''': Who cares? We're just cartoons.
:'''Ringo Starr''': &quot;Spull feed&quot; ahead!
:''[The Yellow Submarine moves toward the glove. Cut back to the inside of the enemy Meanie sub]''
:'''Second Meanie''': Should I arm the glove, sir?
:'''Meanie Officer''': Yes...Yesss! ''[jumps up and down]'' No!
:''[The enemy sub launches a missile, which connects with the Dreadful Flying Glove.]''
:'''Ringo Starr''': Oh, look, a hole. ''[picks up a hole and throws it upward. The armed glove is swallowed up]''
:'''Meanie Officer''': What happened? Why didn't it explode? Periscope!
:''[The periscope is lowered, and the armed glove pops out of it]''
:'''Meanie Officer''': Ohh...''[Bleep]''.
:''[The missile goes off, and the enemy Meanie sub explodes. The Beatles and the Captain cheer on]''
:'''Paul McCartney''': Hole in one, Ringo. How did you know it would work?
:'''Ringo Starr''': I didn't. I'm on acid.
:'''John Lennon''': Way to go, Ringo. Maybe now you can sleep with the groupies first.
:'''Ringo Starr''': Really?
:'''Paul McCartney''': No.
:'''Beatles''': ''[singing]'' Love your love with love...Just love your love with love...
:''[Everyone starts laughing, chattering, and singing]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Chelsie and Grandma are knitting]''
:'''Mom''': Ma, don't teach Chelsie that girly crap! This isn't the dark ages. ''[gives the Barbie doll to Chelsie]'' Here.
:'''Grandma''': Ohh, and the fashion doll with big watermelon boobs teaches the right lessons, huh? That's-That's what going on?
:'''Mom''': Barbie is a frickin' race car driver these days, Ma! She bungee jumps in Paracelsus, and I think there's even a bomb disposal robot accessory.
:'''Chelsie''': Thank you for the Barbie. ''[pulls the sting on the Barbie's back]''
:'''Barbie''': ''[voice box]'' Girls could do anything. Especially, men. Let me be absolutely clear about that.
:'''Chelsie''': All right, Barbie! Lets have adventures!
:''[One hour later, the Doctor pulled the blanket to show Mom and Grandma that Chelsie died]''
:'''Mom''': ''[gasps]'' That's her! That's my little girl... ''[crying]''
:'''Grandma''': How did this happen?!
:'''Doctor''': Well, Chelsie's race car hit the wall in its speeds in excess of two hundred miles in hour. So, pfft.
:'''Grandma''': Race car?! Where did she get a race car?!
:'''Doctor''': Girls these days have all sorts of adventures, mam. This isn't the dark ages.
:'''Grandma''': She was eight years old!
:'''Mom''': At least, she died doing what she loved, Ma!
:'''Grandma''': SHE LOVED KNITTING!
:'''Doctor''': Yes, that's lovely. Now, that you could fill out some forms. ''[walks with Chelsie's mom]''
:'''Grandma''': ''[crying]'' Oh, Chelsie. ''[to the destroyed Barbie doll]'' This is your fault! ''[crying]'' Whore!
:''[The screen zooms horrifying with the evil laugh sound]''

===The Ramblings of Maurice [4.16]===
:'''Graph Guy''': Our cereal sales are WAY down! What do we do?!?
:'''Internet Executive''': I've got 4 words for you: Sugar, Internet, Viral, Video, and some punctuation: EXCLAMATION POINT!
:''[Music Begins: Download the Free MP3. Some rights reserved under creative commons license]''
:'''Cocoa Vampire''': Oooooooooo...Chocolate Grain ''[Subscribe!]'', Bits of corn, Marshmallow, other stuff. ''[breathing away from mic. Yes, vampires do breathe]'' Chocolate grain, 5 times more sugar than Choco Puffs. Chocolate grain, tell your parents it's what they should buy. ''[Buy the SHIRT!]'' Chocolate grain, so much sugar you'll get crazy high. Chocolate grain, if you have diabetes, stay away. Chocolate grain, it's something that our lawyers made us say. Chocolate grain, the 'mount of sugar will drive you insane. Chocolate grain, 100 percent sugar, zero grain!!!
:'''Graph Guy''': Sales for Cocoa Vampire are through the roof! What else ya got?
:'''Internet Executive''': Well, for Fruit Monster, how about a video called, &quot;Two Berries, One Cup?&quot; I've put together a rough demo. Roll it!
:'''Girl''': Oh...''[giggling]''
:''[The executives, except for Internet Executive, vomit]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': I've followed you to this hot chocolate factory Two-face, and this time I'm bringing you down!
:'''Two-Face''': Not so fast Batman! Your fate lies in a flip of this coin, heads you live, tails you die! ''[flips coin, it comes up tails]'' Huh, death! ''[Batman lunges at him, accidentally pressing his face against the burning hot chocolate mixer]'' AAAAHHHHH!!!
:'''Batman''': I'm sorry, Harvey.
:'''Two-Face''': Don't call me Harvey, call me by my new name. ''[turns to reveal a second burn mark over half of his already burned face]'' Three-Face! ''[pulls out a three-sided die]'' This is my three sided die, one you live, two you die, three we drink hot chocolate together. ''[rolls his three sided die, it comes up a two]'' Oh, uh, looks like you're gunna three sided DIE! ''[lunges at Batman, he slips trying to get out of bed]''
:'''Batman''': Watch out for that bleach!
:'''Three-Face''': ''[falls face first into a tray with various liquids on it, a bottle of bleach shatters and hits him and the bleach gets on his face]'' AAAAHHHHH!!!
:'''Batman''': ''[meets Three-Face on top of a roof]'' Three-Face, I'm really sorry about the hospital.
:'''Three-Face''': Call me by my real name. ''[turns around to reveal a fourth burn on the good half of his face]'' Four-face! ''[pulls out four straws]'' I'm holding four straws in my hand, if you choose the shortest one you die! If you choose the longest one you live! The other two will determine whether I throw bleach on your costume or we drink hot chocolate together.
:'''Batman''': Alright Four-face I'll play your game! ''[hesitates on his first try and picks a straw on his second]''
:''[Cut to the diner where Four-Face and Batman are enjoying a rather pleasant meal, Four-Face is enjoying a steaming cup of hot chocolate and Batman is sampling the diner's soup]''
:'''Four-Face''': Oh, OH! This is really good hot chocolate!
:'''Batman''': Hmm...The soup's not bad either.
:'''Four-face''': Oh yeah, can I try some? ''[grabs for Batman's soup]''
:'''Batman''': ''[tries to stop him from taking it, fearing that the soup is too hot for Four-Face]'' WAIT, HARVEY! NO!!
:'''Four-Face''': ''[the soup splashes against Four-Face's face burning him on contact]'' AAAAHHHHH!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Jim Henson|Jim Henson]] Company Executive 1''': Ah, our ''[[Dark Crystal]]'' sequel is doomed!
:'''Executive 2''': Well, it's been in development Hell for years. Now theaters don't even want it.
:'''Executive 1''': We need a brand-new take. Something that really tricks kids into thinking they want to see a movie about puppets.
:''[Cut to the next scene, where Jen is wearing a rapper-style outfit]''
:'''Jen''': Yo, whassup, everybody? This is Lil' Jen, aka MC Gelfling! Lemme take you on a little journey! Raise up your glasses y'all, and get ready for the story of the Dark...Crys...tal! ''[the UrSkeks are seen drinking booze, when suddenly, one of them, driving a car, fires at them, breaking off part of the large bottle in the center. The race is split up into the UrRus and Skeksis, who go their separate ways]'' Once upon a time, in the distant land of Thura, there was a huge-ass super-sized bottle of the Crystal, living under three suns, all the peoples having fun! They were clinking and drinking, the Crystal for everyone, but then there was a drive-by. Oh snap! Hit the deck! It was the Skeksis in a Lexus with a tech! Bottle got wrecked, it split two different races to two different places. The Skeksis headed West with their creepy dead bird faces. The UrRus waited on the East Coast for all their help to come. They were a bunch of Mystics who like to sit around and hum... ''[the UrRus start humming rhythmically]'' Ah, yeah. That sound good right there. In step, the prophecy, there's no stopping me! Gelfling's gonna help things, pretty soon we'll be popping C-R-Y-S to the T-A-L. Full throttle, fix the bottle and break that spell!
:''[Jen is seen rapping along with other characters from the film]''
:'''Jen and Chorus''': Whole world is ugly, no one's sipping on bubbly, wanna get busy, but without the fizzy, the ladies won't love me. I gotta save the land of Thura, I am far and mystical. Gonna wreck me some Skeksis and go get that Cristal. I went to Aughra and got that cracked up shard of the Crystal. Whoo! Then I met Kira and Fizzgig, he was a little fuzzy ball.
:'''Fizzgig''': Whassup, y'all?
:''[Jen and Kira are seen riding on Landstriders, and they encounter the Skeksis. Jen is seen leaping into the air, and places the broken shard onto the bottle. Jen is seen rapping again as the world's former glory is restored]''
:'''Jen''': Jumped on a Landstrider, rode to the castle, faced off with the Skeksis. Man, those dudes are crazy assholes! I put the cracked shard of the bottle back into the right spot! Now the East and West Coasts got back together, and this joint is ''[bleep]''ing hot!
:'''Jen and Chorus''': Yeah, this party's a blast, the Crystal's flowing fast. I'm thinking I wanna get up in Kira's ass. We're all having a ball, there won't be no last call. West and East, squash the beef! They're all drinking Crystal. More people still coming, and the Mystics still humming, they go... ''[The UrRus start humming rhythmically]''
:'''Jen''': Yeah.
:'''Chorus''': That's the end of the Dark Crystal...
:'''Jen''': Hoes!
:''[Cut back to the executives, who are standing in front of a portrait of Jim Henson]''
:'''Executive 1''': Well, we failed you, Jim.
:''[The executives commit suicide by drinking poison]''
:'''Executive 2''': Aaah...Sweet...relief...
:''[They stagger off to die]''

===Can't Be Erased, So Sorry [4.17]===
:'''Inmate''': ''[talking to Monopoly pieces]'': Hey, man. What'chu in for?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: ''[A costumed character known as &quot;The Mockingbird&quot; is sitting bound to a chair, and gets punched in the face. Another character in a bird-like costume is revealed to be interrogating the Mockingbird]''
:'''Finch''': Ready to talk, Mockingbird?
:'''Mockingbird''' ''[spits out some blood, mocking]'' &quot;Ready to talk, Mockingbird?&quot;
:'''Finch''': Aah! I should've seen that coming! Scout, see if the coast is clear!
:''[A bird-costumed character wearing goggles and a speaker-phone searches, then turns toward Finch]''
:'''Scout''': Coast is clear, Finch.
:'''Finch''': Good. 'Cause I'm about to kill a Mockingbird!
:''[Mockingbird clicks a button on a detonation device, which breaks his bindings. He then kicks Finch in the crotch, then whacks him with the chair, and kicks him a few times more]''
:'''Scout''': Jem! Jem! Use your gemstones!
:''[A character in a red bird costume shows up. Jem fires beams from the gemstones on his wings, effectively killing Mockingbird before he can get away]''
:'''Scout, Finch, and Jem''': Yeah!
:''[The group celebrates, then cut to a classroom. It's revealed that this was all part of a report]''
:'''Student''' And...that's my book report on &quot;How to Kill a Mockingbird&quot; by Lee...Harper...Oswald or whoever...
:'''Teacher''' Couldn't even spring for the Cliffs Notes, huh? ''[whacks the student upside the head]''

===Please Do Not Notify Our Contractors [4.18]===
:'''Cop''': You realize when I pulled you over, you were doing 87 miles an hour?
:'''Marty''': Yeah, I know. Believe me, I know.

===Especially the Animal Keith Crofford! [4.19]===
:'''Bumblelion''': I love being a Wuzzle! We get to be two animals at once! Take me — I'm a bumblebee and a lion!
:'''Eleroo''': And I'm an elephant and a kangaroo.
:'''Butterbear''': You know what grosses me out, Bumblelion? How'd your parents get together?
:''[Cuts to a lion and a bumblebee]''
:'''Lion''': OW! What the hell?! You think you can just sting me, you little bumblebee? Wow, you're a cute little bumblebee. Oh, you little cutie, come here. ''[turns around to have sex with the bumblebee]'' Oh, yeah! Owch! Ahh, owch! Sting me in the hole! Owch, sting me in the hole! Owch, sting me in the hole! Owch!
:''[Goes back to the three Wuzzles]''
:'''Bumblelion''': UGH! I don't wanna think about THAT anymore. What about you. Eleroo?
:''[Goes to a kangaroo and an elephant about to have sex]''
:'''Elephant''': Now, this might hurt a little. ''[in a sex position, the elephant crushes the kangaroo, who screams]''
:''[Afterwards we return to the Wuzzles]''
:'''Eleroo''': EW! How about you, Donkeyhuman?
:[The camera moves to reveal Donkeyhuman]
:'''Donkeyhuman''': ''[brays]'' As far as I know...
:'''Other 3 Wuzzles''': ''[interrupting Donkeyhuman]'' Actually I don't wanna know. Yeah, I'm not interested. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean it. I'm good.

===Dear Consumer [4.20]===
:''[Jaden walks into his bedroom before a lamp is turned on and Santa is seen sitting in a chair]''
:'''Jaden''': I suppose your presence here means I made the naughty list.
:'''Santa Claus''': We don't mind a little mischief, Jaden. But flashing your wee-wee at the maid. That's one step too far.
:'''Jaden''': And where is my mother? ''[Santa stares at Jaden and looks depressed]'' Hmm, I see. And how did she die?
:'''Santa Claus''': Not well.
:''[In the flashback, Santa comes towards Jaden's mother and punches her. She elbows him in the neck before he grabs her neck and throws her against the kitchen top drawers. Jaden's mother bashes his head with the freezer. She grabs a knife and begins swinging it at Santa. As she is about to stab him, he moves which sends the knife into a wall plug-in, electrocuting Jaden's mother. Santa grabs her by the back of her head and shoves her face into a sink full of water until she doesn't move anymore. Back to the present]''
:'''Jaden''': She made you work for it, did she? ''[opens a desk drawer where a small gun is seen]'' You'll find I'm not so easy. ''[points the gun at Santa. He attempts to shoot, but there are no bullets]'' They say the second one is always-
:''[Santa quickly shoots Jaden with another gun which sends him flying into three shelves and knocks all of the toys down]''
:'''Santa Claus''': Considerably.
:''[Back to the flashback, Santa is then seen walking away from Jaden's mother after killing her. Then Jaden's mother screamed as she rises from the sink with her make-up smeared and holding the knife up, but Santa quickly shoots Jaden's mother, which is a short parody of a scene in Casino Royale before the opening credits starts]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[A dad, a mom and their son are in the living room on Christmas morning. The son is about to open his present and his dad is excited. The boy opens the present which explodes, killing him]''
:'''Dad''': Ha, ha! Ha....Ah, it was a lot funnier when Jokey Smurf did it. Huh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daughter''': It's the most beautiful tree ever!
:'''Mother''': It certainly is, Sweetie!
:'''Tree''': ''[looking in the Window]'' My wife! ''[sobbing]'' you killed her, and you decorated her!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[On Christmas Eve, the atheist mayor is standing in front of the church doors addressing the people]''
:'''Atheist Mayor''': ''[to the people]'' Back to your homes. As the first Atheist mayor, I am shutting down the church.
:'''Old Woman''': But it's Christmas!
:'''Atheist Mayor''': Well, you should have thought of that when I campaigned as the first Atheist mayor.
:'''Citizens''': Oh, yeah.
:'''Old Woman''': Can we at least hear the Christmas chimes?
:'''Atheist Mayor''': ''[lifts up the giant silver chime]'' No! ln fact, I removed the chimey thingy that makes the chimey noise. So, you're screwed! ''[laughs, and was about to leave]'' Oh, and vote for me in November. ''[then leaves]''
:''[Newspaper headlines says &quot;TOWN CHIMES IN ON PROBLEM&quot;, &quot;STORY RINGS TRUE!&quot;, and &quot;CHILDREN CAN'T &quot;BELL&quot;-IEVE IT!&quot;. On Christmas night, the Humping Robot walks into the silent town on snow, wearing a Santa hat. Then he looks at the church bell, and makes a bell with his hands in air. He then knocks the blocked boards down with his hands and entered the church. He crashed though the roof door and stared at the shiny bronze bell. He was thrilled with joy and began ringing the bell with his hands]''
:'''Daughter''': ''[waking her dad up]'' Daddy, Daddy! Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings!
:''[The angels from Heaven are awoken by heard the bells ringing. The alarm is off, and the angels flew down to Earth and face the Atheist Mayor into action]''
:'''Atheist Mayor''': ''[seeing the angels appearing on rooftops]'' What the-? What the-? Oh, my!
:''[He is about to run, à la North By Northwest, but the angels gunned him down with Tommy-guns]''
:'''Daughter''': ''[off-screen]'' Remember to keep Christ in Christmas.
:''[The Humping Robot continues ringing the bell]''
:'''Announcer''': Brought to you by Church.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Elf''': ''[to Santa]'' Did you remember to get Mrs. Claus something?
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[gasps, then gives the elf some money]'' Go get her a mug from the stationary store.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Christmas in Asgard]''
:'''Thor''': The reward for Thor's good deeds; a shiny bicycle.
:'''Loki''': ''[sees a lump a coal from his stocking]'' Augh! A lump of coal?!
:'''Odin''': ''[laughs]'' I love my son Thor and not my son Loki. And Santa agrees. ''[grabs his goblet]'' Ha ha! My parenting is most inequitable.
:'''Thor''': ''[on his bicycle]'' I am off to the rainbow bridge to offer rides to the shirtless muscular warriors who there congregate. ''[rides off]''
:'''Loki''': Ah, next Christmas, victory shall belong to Loki, God of Mischief. ''[laughs evilly. He is seen at the store as he puts on the fake Thor helmet with a blond wig; chuckles as he grabs a soda]'' I'm Thor, and I'm very thirsty! ''[gulping]'' Ahhh! ''[the sign behind him says &quot;NO REFILLS&quot;]'' No one minds if I get another. ''[gets another refill. He is next seen, humming as he urinates two guys in the bathroom, much to their disgust]'' I'm Thor. I got great aim 'cause I'm the God of Thunder.
:''[Loki is seen in the elevator]''
:'''Old Lady''': Hold the door!
:'''Loki''': ''[holding the doors open]'' Oh, don't worry, I got it. Hi, nice to meet you. Thor, God of Thunder. By the way, eat this! ''[shoots the lady dead with his gun]'' Ha ha!
:''[The Following Christmas]''
:''[Loki laughs while riding the bicycle as the shocked and confused Thor holds a lump of coal]''
:'''Odin''': ''[spits]'' By my own beard! Is it Christmas Day or opposite day?! ''[looks at the calendar]'' Nay, it &quot;is&quot; Christmas day!
:'''Thor''': I have been good! I have! Santa Claus shall taste the Thunder God's wrath! ''[flies to the North Pole as Loki snickered silently]''
:''[At the North Pole]''
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[sees the elves' dead bodies on the floor]'' Good God!
:'''Thor''': ''[appears behind the door]'' But not good enough for ye, eh?! Have at thee!
:''[Thor begins attacking Santa by whacking him with his hammer called Mjollnir. He was about to hit the stomach, but Santa gained upper hand, attacking him with his candy cane. He shoots candy canes at Thor, who blocks them with his Mjollnir. Mrs. Claus runs around screaming. Thor swings at Santa, who dodges and pushes him onto the table. Santa is about to hit him, but Thor gained upper hand by smashing Santa onto the table a few times, before knocking him down on the floor. He is about to finish him off, but he swung his Mjollnir backwards and accidentally hit and killed Mrs. Claus who kept running and screaming, much to his surprise. He pulled his Mjollnir out of her smashed and blooded face, and noticed the fake Santa's naughty list on the floor]''
:'''Thor''': ''[picks the list up and reads it]'' Thor did none of this! Why would a Thunder God refill his soda even after his thirst was slaked? Or urinate hither and yon? Or murder an old woman? ''[pause as he sees Mrs. Claus' dead body]'' Well, I dideth, not the other two! I smell my brother's deceitful hand in this. ''[picks up Santa]'' Rise, noble Claus. Thou was fooled as was I. Loki's villainy must be revealed. ''[grabs is Mjollnir, takes Santa, and flies back to Asgard]''
:''[Back in Asgard. Loki shoots and kills people while riding a bicycle]''
:'''Loki''': Whoo! I'm Thor as hell!
:''[Thor and Santa arrive]''
:'''Santa Claus''': He's a madman! Stop him!
:'''Thor''': Fear not, Santa Claus. You yourself shall make Loki pay, a year hence when you bring him a lump of coal on Christmas Day. ''[to the camera]'' Merry Christmas, everyone!
:'''Loki''': God of Thunder! ''[shoots bullets in the air]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Woman''': I love it when it snows. It's so peaceful.
:''[We hear the snowflakes screaming while falling from the sky]''
:'''Snowflake 1''': Aaaaahh! Oh, God! I'm falling! Wha-What's happening? ''[screaming continues]'' Is that the ground?! Holy ''[bleep]''! That's the ''[bleep]''ing ground! This is it! Game over, man! ''[falls onto the ground]''
:'''Snowflake 2''': Get off of me! ''[stammering]'' Get off of me!
:'''Snowflake 1''': I can't! I can't get up! ''[groaning as two snowflakes fall on him]'' It's a madhouse! It's a madhouse!
:'''Man''': I hate snow. We should go to Tahiti next Christmas.
:'''Woman''': Yeah, let's do that. ''[steps on the snowflakes who are still screaming]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Two boys are in the living room next to the Christmas tree with presents under it on Christmas morning]''
:'''Boy ''': Shh.
:''[They opened the present, but finds the dynamite, which is going off. The dynamite explodes, killing the boys. The next scene shows the family in another house; the girl opens her present]'' 
:'''Mom''': Awww!
:'''Girl''': ''[picks up the dynamite, which is also going off]'' That's weird.
:''[Another dynamite kills the family with explosion. The next scene shows the African-American couple in the living room opening their presents, but find the grenade which the pin is attached to the string. They accidentally pulled the grenade out of the pin, with horrified looks on their faces. Then the grenade explodes, killing the couple. Cut to the North Pole where the group of terrorists held gunpoint at Mrs. Claus an the elves in front of Santa]''
:'''Santa Claus''': Okay, I delivered all the bombs! Now please, don't hurt my family.
:'''Terrorist''': And the Jews? Are the Jews dead too?
:'''Santa Claus''': But...Jews don't even have Christmas!
:'''Terrorist''': Then you have failed!
:'''Santa Claus''': Noooo!
:''[Terrorists shoots Santa]''
:'''Announcer''': Don't forget about terrorism this Christmas. A message from the Department of Ho-Ho-Homeland Security.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The sketch opens with the title card Gift of the Maji written in gold letters appearing on a green background. We then see Della Dillingham Young in a store]''
:'''Della''': I'd like to buy a chain for my husband's watch.
:'''Chain Salesman''': Seventy-five dollars.
:'''Della''': Oh, my! I can't afford that. Unless... ''[cut to Della at a barbershop and taking a seat in a barber's chair]'' I'd like to sell my hair, please.
:''[The female barber pulls out an electric razor and starts shaving Della's hair. Cut to James Dillingham Young at another store]''
:'''James''': I'd like to buy some brushes for my wife's beautiful hair, please.
:'''Brush Salesman''': Seventy-five dollars.
:'''James''': For brushes? What the ''[bleep]''? What are they, solid gold? My watch is 75 dollars and it is a ''[bleep]''ing antique!
:''[A short pause; cut to James at home; Della, who is now bald, enters]''
:'''James''': What the ''[bleep]'' happened to you?
:'''Della''': I wanted to buy you a chain for your watch, so, I sold my hair to do it!
:'''James''': Holy ''[bleep]''! You look like you have cancer! Couldn't you have just let me keep my beautiful wife for Christmas?
:'''Della''': You don't like it?
:'''James''': Well here's where the irony kicks in. I wanted to get you hairbrushes for Christmas, but the man said I'd have to sell my watch to afford them!
:'''Della''': Oh, no! You sold your watch?
:'''James''': ''[Bleep]'', no! What, am I crazy?! For brushes?! I think the cat brush is just as ''[bleep]''ing good and that thing was a buck-fifty!
:'''Della''': So, you didn't get me brushes?
:'''James''': What, did they shave your ears too?! I said no, already!
:'''Della''': Oh... ''[chuckles]'' Then what did you get me?
:'''James''': ''[gives Della a set of lingerie]'' Lingerie! Now, go pop that sucker on! ''[puts a Santa hat on Della's bald head]'' This too!
:'''Della''': ''[drops the lingerie]'' Yeaahhh...I'm gonna go stay with my mom for a while.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The scene opens with Santa's custom sleigh and his reindeer flying in the sky]''
:'''Comet''': How's the view back there, buddy? The light at the end of the tunnel is my ass!
:''[The reindeer behind Comet makes disgusted groans. Cut to Santa hearing a cry for help]''
:'''Voice''': Help me!
:'''Santa Claus''': Huh? Put her down, boys. ''[hey landed the sleigh before he, Comet and his reindeer all gathered at a well and see a little boy, who is unseen, is trapped in the well]'' Help is coming, little boy! Are you hurt?
:'''Little Boy''': ''[from the well]'' I've been down here three days with no food or water! And I pooped in my pants!
:'''Santa Claus''': Three days?! He could die of thirst before we reach him!
:'''Comet''': Not on my watch! ''[starts peeing down the well]''
:'''Santa''': What are you-? Comet! Stop peeing on that child!
:'''Comet''': I saw it on ''Man vs. Wild''. You can drink pee, pee it out and drink it again! Three times if you want!
:'''Little Boy''': This rain tastes like oats.
:''[Clock transition with the sound of jingle bells]''
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[gets off his cell phone]'' The fire department's on its way.
:'''Comet''': There's no time!
:'''Santa Claus''': Comet! No! ''[Comet soars in the air and dives into the well]'' Comet?!
:'''Comet''': Um, okay. I'm stuck like halfway down. Almost there.
:''[Santa facepalms himself. Another clock transition with the sound of a siren. The fire department and the police arrive]''
:'''Fireman''': We could throw down a rope and a harness down to the kid, except your reindeer's plugging up the hole now.
:'''Comet''': Just throw down a grenade!
:'''Santa Claus''': What?!
:'''Comet''': Throw down one grenade to launch me toward the bottom. Then I'll grab the boy with my teeth. And you can throw down a second grenade to launch me to the surface!
:'''Policeman''': Your deer don't know ''[bleep]'' about grenades, does he?
:'''Santa Claus''': He spends most of his life on a frozen tundra. Reindeer don't know ''[bleep]'' about ''[bleep]'', quite frankly.
:'''Fireman''': So, listen, ''[The two reindeer look at each other and toss a grenade down the well]'' thanks to your deer, we're gonna have to excavate half this field.
:''[The grenade explodes and Santa gains consciousness]''
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[shocked]'' Oh, my God! ''[the explosion has blown up the well and everything around it. The two reindeer that threw down the grenade had their heads blown off and their corpses faint]'' Comet?! Little boy?!
:''[Fade to Comet, Santa and the little boy, who is now seen, in a cast and bandages in a hospital room]''
:'''Little Boy''': Thank you, Comet! You saved me!
:'''Comet''': Aw, ain't know thing.
:'''Santa Claus''': Well, actually, about 100 volunteers working around the clock with heavy machinery would've suf-
:'''Little Boy''': I love you, Mr. Comet!
:'''Comet''': I love you too, Mr. Little Boy!
:''[Comet and the little boy both hug]''
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[leaves]'' That still freaks me out.
:'''Comet''': ''[follows with his legs missing and he's floating in midair]'' Yeah. It's 100% badass, alright.
:''[Cut to Comet and Santa outside the hospital]''
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[gets on Comet's back]'' Take us back to the North Pole! And-And don't say the line.
:'''Comet''': Oh, I gotta say the line! Please?! Please?!
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[sighs]'' Fine, fine. Whatever.
:'''Comet''': Ahem. Legs? Where we're going, we don't need legs! ''[soars off with Santa]'' Yeah! ''[towards the camera]'' And away we go!
:''[Christmas Special ends]''

[[Category:Robot Chicken seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>ln9ldczcij9w7alehn63j2xb38tiumm</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3148016</id>
      <parentid>3148015</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T05:25:21Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* P.S. Yes, In That Way [4.6] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="73065" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
The following is a list of quotes from the fourth season of ''[[Robot Chicken]]''.

===Help Me [4.1]===
:'''Edward''': Steve, you and your wife are wonderful hosts. I'm being sincere.
:'''Steve''': You know, Julie, I don't think you ever got a tour of the house.
:'''Julie''': You're right.
:'''Steve''': Well, come on.
:''[Steve and Julie go upstairs giggling]''
:'''Edward''': More apple pie for us, huh?
:'''Steve's wife''': Oh, you. ''[doorbell rings]'' Who could that be? ''[opens the door]''
:'''Fanfare''': ''[singing] Trojan Man!
:'''Trojan Man''': ''[on horseback]'' Excuse me, madam, but I am needed upstairs!
:'''Steve's wife''': Steve!
:''[Trojan Man rides upstairs, with Edward and Steve's wife following. The following dialogue is unseen]''
:'''Fanfare''': Trojan Man!
:'''Steve''': Keep it down.
:'''Steve's wife''': I knew you acted weird around Julie, you bastard!
:'''Trojan Man''': Put this on your penis.
:'''Steve''': Get off! Get off me! Get off me!
:'''Edward''': Julie, how could you?!
:'''Julie''': My clothes just fell off.
:'''Trojan Man''': Her vagina will appreciate your forethought!
:'''Edward''': Will you shut the ''[bleep]'' up already?! Shut up!
:'''Steve's wife''': I am leaving you!
:'''Fanfare''': Trojan Man!
:'''Edward''': Hey, watch the horse! That was my grandma's– ''[crash]'' Oh, no, you broke it!
:'''Trojan Man''': That would never happen to a Trojan condom.
:'''Fanfare''': ''[singing]'' Trojan Man!
:'''Edward''': ''[crying]'' You said my problem didn't bother you.
:'''Julie''': It doesn't. I mean, Edward, this doesn't change anything.
:'''Edward''': It changes everything!
:'''Trojan Man''': A reservoir tip is for your semen!
:'''Julie''': I got to get out of here. ''[leaves the house, with Edward following her]''
:'''Edward''': You're a whore! You ruined my life, you whore!
:''[Long pause]''
:'''Trojan Man''': I guess I'd better go.
:'''Fanfare''': ''[singing]'' Trojan Man!
:'''Steve''': ''[as Trojan Man rides out]'' Yeah, why don't you just get the ''[bleep]'' outta here? How about that?
:'''Fanfare''': ''[singing]'' Trojan Man!
:'''Trojan Man''': ''[leaving a box of condoms]'' Just in case.
:'''Announcer''': For when you wanna ''[bleep]''! Yeah!

===They Took My Thumbs [4.2]===
:'''Wonder Woman''': You young heroes are so much more than mere sidekicks, you're the future of Justice League of America. Mentoring your progress gives me enormous amount of pride. ''[Kid Flash steals Wonder Woman's suit and heroes gasped]'' Whoa! What the ''[bleep]''?!?! ''[Kid Flash giggles]'' Give me those you little ''[bleep]''stain!
:'''Flash''': I am very, very disappointed in you, boy. ''[whispering]'' Super-speed high five.
:''[Justice League Heroes waves a good-bye for young heroes to teleport and they fell down in a volcano on another planet. Justice League Heroes gasped]''
:'''Wonder Woman''': What happened?
:'''Martian Manhunter''': It wasn't me! Martian Boyhunter did it!

===I'm Trapped [4.3]===
:'''Man 1'''': Hey, who packed my chute?
:'''Man 2''': I did. Why? Don't you trust me?
:'''Man 1''': Are you gonna jump, or are we just gonna jerk each other off?
:''[Long pause. Cut to outside shot of the plane and the door slides shut]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''James Bond''': I was wrong about you, Christmas Jones.
:'''Christmas Jones''': How so?
:'''James Bond''': I thought Christmas only came once a year.
:'''Christmas Jones''': ''[giggles]'' Oh, James.
:''[They kiss; cut to the secret lab where James enters]''
:'''Technician 1''': There he is!
:'''Technician 2''': Oh, I heard you saved the world again!
:'''Technician 1''': So you and Christmas Jones, huh? I can't believe you're tapping that!
:'''James Bond''': Sorry to break it to you, boys. Miss Jones is already yesterday's news.
:''[Flashback shows James and Christmas riding in the car]''
:'''Christmas Jones''': This is me, up on the left.
:'''James Bond''': ''[getting carried away]'' Oh, that's odd. I'd have thought you lived on 34th street.
:'''Christmas Jones''': ''[nervous chuckle]'' Oh, right, because of...my name. Ha.
:''[Scene shows James having sex with Christmas]''
:'''James Bond''': All right, love, time to dick your halls.
:'''Christmas Jones''': Could you maybe stop doing the pun thing?
:'''James Bond''': I can't believe I made it this far into Christmas without wrapping my present.
:'''Christmas Jones''': Wha-wait a second! I'm not on the pill!
:'''James Bond''': Well, I hope you've been dreaming of a white Christmas.
:'''Christmas Jones''': ''[pushes James back on the side of the bed]'' Ugh! I just got a headache.
:'''James Bond''': So, when do I get to meet your friends?
:'''Christmas Jones''': Uh...
:''[Scene cuts to the club party]''
:'''James Bond''': ''[to the party goers]'' So I said, &quot;I thought Christmas only came once a year!&quot;
:'''Christmas Jones''': ''[embarrassed]'' James...
:'''Male Party Goer''': This guy's a tool.
:'''Christmas Jones''': No, no. He's got a really cool car.
:''[Scene shows James and Christmas at the restaurant]''
:'''James Bond''': You're breaking up with me?
:'''Christmas Jones''': There's nothing wrong with you, James. Maybe it's just an age thing.
:'''James Bond''': What, you think I'm too old for Christmas?
:'''Christmas Jones''': ''[nervous chuckle]'' If that helps you, yes.
:''[Cuts to James, who is drunk, crying for being dumped]''
:'''James Bond''': ''[sobbing; takes out a pen gun, and clicks, but it's empty]'' Oh, come on! One of these ''[bleep]''ing things has to be loaded! ''[groans, cries]''
:''[Cut back to the present]''
:'''James Bond''': So I just looked at her, and I said, &quot;Well, I'm sorry, dear, but I'm canceling Christmas!&quot;
:'''Technician 1''': Oh, you dog!
:'''Technician 2''': You're always humping and dumping.
:'''Technician 1''': You're the best, James!
:'''James Bond''': Ah, you know me, I got to be James. ''[chuckles, whimpers]''

===In a DVD Factory [4.4]===
:''[Man shoots a werewolf with a handgun to no effect]''
:'''Werewolf''': Only a silver bullet can kill me.
:''[Man pulls out a minigun and shoots the werewolf to a bloody pulp. He mops it into a bucket, pours gasoline on it, and sets it on fire. When he gets home, he chops the resulting ashes into lines and snorts it like cocaine, after which he violently craps it into a toilet. The crap is processed in a sewage treatment plant. Cut to three kids playing Dungeons &amp; Dragons in a basement]''
:'''Dungeonmaster''': The book says he's still not dead. It has to be a silver bullet.
:'''Knight''': That's a bunch of crap!

===Tell My Mom [4.5]===
:'''Spongebob''': But Sandy! How can you be pregnant? You said you had a sponge in your- ''[realizing]'' Oh, you meant ''me.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Billy Joel and Davy are at a bar drinking beer]''
:'''Billy Joel''': Hey, there. I'm Billy. Billy Joel. What's your name?
:'''Davy''': Davy.
:'''Billy Joel''': And what do you do?
:'''Davy''': I'm in the navy.
:'''Billy Joel''': How long will you do that, do you think?
:'''Davy''': Uh, probably for life.
:'''Billy Joel''': Cool. &quot;Davy&quot; rhymes with &quot;navy.&quot; That's convenient.
:'''Davy''': What?! You'd better not use me in a song, man! I'm on the run from a lot of creditors!
:'''Billy Joel''': No problem, Davy.
:''[Billy Joel prepares to leave when he hits Davy in the head with his bottle of alcohol. Cut to Billy Joel tossing Davy's body into the sea from a pier with a bar on it]''
:'''Billy Joel''': I have absorbed your story, my friend. As the Ancients ate the hearts of lions to gain their strengths! You are one with the Joel now! One with the Joel! ''[laughs evilly as thunder and lightning clashes]''
:''[A caption then appears saying &quot;Billy Joel's single Piano Man was an international smash hit in 1974.&quot; Another caption appears that says &quot;Today it is most downloaded iTunes song.&quot; A final caption appears and says &quot;Davy's body was never recovered.&quot;]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Annie''': Leapin' lizards, Molly! It sure is a hard knock life— 
:'''Molly''': ''[interrupting]'' Actually, we're very lucky Annie.
:'''Annie''': Being an orphan sure don't feel lucky.
:'''Molly''': Then try being an orphan in the Phillipines where hundreds of thousands of orphans are forced into prostitution thanks to sex tourism. In Africa, AIDS has created millions of orphans who won't live to see puberty.
:'''Annie''': Well...I sure don't like that mean ol' Miss Hannigan—!
:'''Molly''': What don't you like exactly? 3 meals a day? A warm bed? Not being HIV positive? Not perfoming fellatio on foreign business men?
:''[Annie went silent, taken aback]''
:'''Molly''': That's what you don't like?
:'''Annie''': Uhh...I think I'm gonna go sweep over there for a while Molly.
:''[Annie walks to her right to where Pepper is washing clothes in a bucket]''
:'''Annie''': Gee, Pepper! Miss Hannigan sure is mean!
:'''Pepper''': Yeah! I hate that bitch!
:''[TIME JUMP: 6 months later]''
:'''Daddy Warbucks''' We sure had a grand adventure, Annie! Your quick wits and spunky can-do spirit saved us all! Is there anything my limitless power and billions of dollars can do for you?
:'''Molly's voice''': Overseas orphans! Fellatio on foreign business men! HIV and AIDS!
:'''Annie''': Hmm...nope!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prince''': ''[arrives outside the tower]'' Ahoy!
:'''Princess''': Is that my prince?! Oh, I knew you'd save me!
:'''Prince''': Stand back, my love. We will soon be together.
:'''Princess''': It won't be long now before my prince takes me in his arms and- ''[but is hit in the back of the head by the prince's hook which makes her smash into a birdcage]'' Careful, my prince! You almost- ''[the prince throws his hook again and it attaches to the her dress and drags her to the window. The hook is thrown in again, but hits the chandelier and shatters it's glass. The shards fall onto the princess and stabs her eyes; making her blind]'' Aaaahhh!!! It's raining glass! I'm blind! Please, stop throwing the hook! ''[the hook hits her in the head, and then is hooked to her clothing dresser]'' Is that you, my prince?! ''[the dresser falls onto her, smashing and killing her. Blood spills everywhere]''
:'''Prince''': ''[climbing]'' I'm coming, my dear! ''[reaches the window and lands on the floor]'' Ah-hah! Now hurry, my love. We don't have much ti- ''[seeing the princess' blood splattered as she was crushed to death]'' Oh, geez! You're not even packed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Outside shot of Davey drowning in the bay, cuts to inside where Billy Joel is singing his song]''
:'''Billy Joel''': ''[singing]'' Pete is a real estate novelist.
:'''Pete''' ''[while typing on his laptop]'': Hey, that's me!
:'''Billy Joel''': ''[singing]'' That's a cute way of saying &quot;Pete's broke.&quot;
:'''Pete''': ''[confused]'' What?
:'''Billy Joel''': ''[singing]'' I'll laugh at his life while I’m humping his wife,''
:'''Pete''': ''[shocked]'' Sheila?!
:'''Billy Joel''': ''[singing]'' Cause Pete’s tiny shlong is a joke. ''[Pete looks horrified]'' My piano, it sounds like God's symphony! And my microphone smells like the poor. ''[a man puts money in Billy's tip jar]'' They put bread in my cup and their lives all suck.
:'''Man''': ''[shocked]'' Huh?!
:'''Billy Joel''': ''[singing]'' If I quit this gig, they lose all interest in living, since life would have no meaning, and they'd blow their brains out on to the floor. ''[the crowd begins to boo]'' La, da, di, da, da! ''[pulls out a gun while singing and the crowd falls silent]'' La, di, di, dolly da! Down on your knees! I'm the Piano God! Pray to the songs that I've sung! Tell me I'm too good to work here! Then put my balls right on your tongue! ''[smiles as the song ends]''
:''[Outside the bar, Billy counts his &quot;earnings&quot;]''
:'''Billy Joel''': Great. All singles.
:'''Pete''': ''[off-screen in a creepy voice]'' Hey Joel.
:''[Pete comes up from behind and stabs Billy repeatedly until Billy finally falls over dead. Pete wipes his brow and sighs happily. Pete's phone rings and he answers, also happily]''
:'''Pete's agent:''' Pete? This is your agent! The publishers loved your novel! Time to quit the real estate biz, brother! Oh, by the way, the hospital called, and your wife died of crotch rot. Sorry, man.
:''[Pete closes his phone. The shot switches to overhead as Pete looks to the sky]''
:'''Pete''': POETIC JUSTICE!!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Tony Stark walks into his home, only to find Nick Fury in it]''
:'''Tony''': Who the hell are you?
:'''Nick Fury''': Nick Fury, director of S.H.I.E.L.D. I've come to talk to you about the Avengers Initiative.
:'''Tony''': At my house? In the middle of the night? And who the hell are ''you''?
:''[Camera pans to a burglar holding what appears to be a TV]''
:'''Nick''': Run, stupid! ''[he and the burglar run away, knocking over Stark in the process]''

===P.S. Yes, In That Way [4.6]===
:'''Mario''': You know, Donkey Kong, at $137 a barrel, this is a tremendous a-waste. ''[takes a barrel]'' I keep it a-now.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Strawberry Shortcake and her friends are giggling and singing, when suddenly we hear Black Cherry Pie scream]''
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': ''[screams]'' Ahhhh!!! Someone's stolen my black cherry!
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': Oh no, Black Cherry Pie! Your black cherry is gone?!
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': Yes! I bet it was Fudge Turnover, he loves black cherries!
:''[Cut to Fudge Turnover]''
:'''Fudge Turnover''': I'd NEVER take someone's Black Cherry without their consent!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[appears]'' Mmmm, that's not what I heard.
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Oh shut up, Bitch Pudding!
:''[Cut to the Purple Pieman's house, where he is sitting in his armchair. A rock smashes through his window]''
:'''Purple Pieman''': ''[startled]'' Son of a bitch! ''[sees Strawberry Shortcake and Black Cherry Pie outside the broken window]''
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': We're berry mad at you!
:'''Purple Pieman''': Get off my lawn, you stupid bitches!
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': You stole my black cherry!
:'''Purple Pieman''': Sorry honey, I'm into Asian chicks. ''[smells fire and turns around to find his house is on fire]'' Fire? FIRE! My valuables! ''[runs to his framed photos of his mother and Rachael Ray]'' Mama! Rachael Ray! Only time to save-a-one of you... ''[takes the signed photo of Rachel Ray off of the wall and runs out of the house, but Strawberry Shortcake, Blueberry Muffin, and Black Cherry Pie all stone him to death while yelling at him in unison]'' Ahhh!!! You ''[bleep]''ing twats! Oh ho! Ahh-eyah! Oh! Ahh! You bitches!
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': I'm not sure how this gets my black cherry back...
:''[The three dump the Purple Pieman's body into a grave they have dug]''
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': Nobody says a ''[bleep]''ing word, or we all go to Rikers Island for a berry berry berry long time!
:'''Huckleberry Pie''': ''[shows up, eating Black Cherry Pie's black cherry]'' Hey, wazzup?
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': My black cherry! Huckleberry Pie, you asshole! I can't beleive you took my black cherry! ''[chases a laughing Huckleberry Pie off-screen]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': I heard she left home because her daddy took her black cherry. ''[the others look confusedly]'' BLAM! You all get a taste of the Bitch Pudding!

===Love, Maurice [4.7]===
:'''Singer:''' I wanna rock! ''[a rock is thrown at him]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:O. J. Simpson|O.J. Simpson]]:''' Oh my! What did you do?! 
:'''[[Who Framed Roger Rabbit|Roger Rabbit]]:''' What did I do? [[Strangers on a Train (film)|We had a deal]]. Now, it's your turn to kill [[w:Jessica Rabbit|my wife]].
:'''O.J. Simpson:'''  I can't take the life of another human being.
:'''Roger Rabbit:''' P-P-P-P-Please?
:'''O.J. Simpson:''' No!
:'''Roger Rabbit:''' But, but, but, but, but, we had a deal. See? You don't wanna see me when I'M STEAMED!! ''[causes steam to come out of himself]'' Take care of my wife or it's curtains for you!
:'''O.J. Simpson:''' Oh no!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''O.J. Simpson:''' ''[repeated line]'' Don't get cut, bitch!

===Two Weeks without Food [4.08]===
:''[We start on a gray background with the title: &quot;GREAT MOMENTS IN DUMB KID HISTORY&quot; between two white lines]''
:'''Announcer''': Great moments in dumb kid history!
:''[A woman is seen driving her car with her two children behind her and her son poking his sister repeatedly]''
:'''Mother''': ''[getting annoyed]'' If you touch your sister one more time, I am driving this car into a lake!
:''[After a few seconds, her son sneakily does it anyway, causing her to get totally fed up and start driving ferociously into a lake. Before she can, however, we cut to static]''

===But Not in That Way [4.09]===
:'''Black Manta''': ''[narrating]'' The Joker came to Arkham Asylum in the summer of aught nine. I know as much because I remember thinking, &quot;That is the whitest son of a bitch I have ever seen.&quot; ''[the Joker enters the warden's office]'' He had a funny way about him, not &quot;ha-ha&quot; funny, more &quot;stab-stab&quot; funny.
:'''Joker''': ''[on the microphone]'' Welcome back to Arkham's Top 40. The Riddler writes: &quot;Joker, can you please play 'Who Let the Dogs Out?'&quot; ''[through speaker]'' Well, Riddler, here's your deathroom dedication.
:'''Riddler''': ''[triumphantly]'' Yes!
:'''Black Manta''':''[narrating]'' He even found a way to fool the Sodomites.
:'''Sodomite''': Come here, Joker. I'm gonna fill that balloon up real good. ''[the camera shows a Joker balloon]''
:'''Black Manta''': ''[narrating]'' And despite appearances, we became friends.
:'''Joker''': I hear you're a man who can get things.
:'''Black Manta''': Well, that depends.
:'''Joker''': I need a large poster of Phyllis Diller.
:'''Black Manta''': That may take time.
:'''Joker''': Time's the one thing I've got. ''[long pause]'' Well, that and dementia.
:''[Later at night]''
:'''Batman''': ''[checking the name list]'' Scarecrow; check. Two-Face; check. Joker? ''[not responding]'' Joker, you better be sick or dead in there or I ''[bleep]'' you not!
:'''Black Manta''': ''[narrating]'' I remember thinking it would take a man a hundred years to tunnel out of Arkham.
:'''Batman''': ''[enters the Joker's empty prison cell]'' What the hell?!
:'''Black Manta''': ''[narrating]'' The Joker did it in just two days. ''[laughs]'' Clearly, I gots trouble with the math.
:'''Batman''': ''[takes off the poster of Phyllis Diller to reveal the hole in the wall]'' Think you can escape in the sewer line, huh, Joker?! Not with the Batman on your tail! ''[in the sewer pipe]'' Ugh, smells like Batman Forever.
:'''Joker''': ''[revealed, laughing]'' Sucker!
:'''Black Manta''': ''[narrating]'' But what we didn't know was that the Joker hadn't actually left yet.
:'''Joker''': Buffalo wings, do your thing! ''[takes a crap and flushes toilet]''
:'''Batman''': Ughh! Hello, there's a man down there; please don't flush anything for a while!
:'''Joker''': Oooowhee! Forget about The Green Mile, try walking the brown mile!
:'''Batman''': ''[getting flushed on]'' Oh, God, oh, God! ''[crap takes him out of the sewer]''
:'''Black Manta''': ''[narrating]'' Batman crawled through a river of ''[bleep]'' 500 yards long. I remember thinking that was probably the length of five Ping-Pong tables; again, not so good with the math. I remember thinking you have to be pretty insane to play a joke, like that on the Batman.
:''[The rain and music immediately stops]''
:'''Batman''': Oh, come on!
:'''Black Manta''': ''[narrating]'' Then again, I remember thinking that was pretty damn funny.
:''[Batman hears the Joker laughing, and walks off; disappointed]''

===I Love Her [4.10]===
:'''Announcer''': And now back to ''Living Lohan''.
:'''Dina Lohan''': Ali, who drank all the ''[bleep]''ing orange juice?
:'''Ali Lohan''': I don't know mom, maybe the ''[bleep]''ing Orange Juice Fairy did it!
:'''Dina''': Don't get smart with me!
:'''Ali''': Well, don't you be a big ranting bitch face!
:'''Both''': I NEED A CIGARETTE!!
:'''Dina''': Augh! Why are all these cameras always invading my privacy?
:''[Gyro-Robo is playing next to a sprinkler in his yard with a broom]''
:'''Daniel/Gyro-Robo''': Sorry, Cobra Commander, but your Weather Dominator, currently stuck on rain, apparently, is no match for the ninja skills of Snake Eyes! ''[Ali peers over the fence looking at Gyro-Robo]'' Oops, supposed to be me.
:'''Ali''': Ha, ha, ha, ha! What are you doing?
:'''Daniel/Gyro-Robo''': That is no concern of yours, civilian! Identify yourself at once! Preferably with a capable, shapeable file card.
:'''Ali''': I'm Ali Lohan. Duh! My mom and I just moved into this crappy neighborhood to shoot our TV show, called Living Lohan.
:'''Daniel/Gyro-Robo''': Aren't you a little young to be smoking?
:'''Ali''': Aren't you a little fat to be fat? Knock-knock. Who's there? You love food! ''[jumps off the fence]''
:'''Daniel's Mother''': Honey, were you talking to the new neighbor? I think their dog's been pooping in our yard.
:'''Daniel/Gyro-Robo''': What? Awww, poop! ''[goes to Lindsay's kitchen]''
:'''Lindsay Lohan''': Go to hell, Mom! I told you! I'm not gonna be on your show! It's demeaning to my career. ''[makes &quot;cut&quot; sign to camera man]'' I'm gonna try that again with 10 percent more conviction. Or possibly, 1000 PERCENT!!! ''[doorbell rings]'' Who in God's green Smurf are you?
:'''Daniel/Gyro-Robo''': Madame, does it look like my name is Tripwire? Because as I am not the GI Joe minesweeper, I would appreciate it if your dog didn't leave chocolate land mines all over my yard!
:'''Lindsay''': Okay, nothing you said made any sense!
:'''Daniel/Gyro-Robo''': Don't let your dog go poopie!
:'''Lindsay''': Oh, OH!! ''[flashback to one nighttime]'' Ha, ha, ha, ha! Dah, dah, dah, dum, dum! Ha, night dump! I'm just fertilizing the lawn, aah! ''[back to present]'' Bad dog! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
:''[At Daniel/Gyro-Robo's front lawn]''
:'''Daniel/Gyro-Robo''': Firebolt! Firebolt!
:'''Terrence''': Freethyro! Freethyro!
:'''Nerd''': Ork, ork, ork! I'm an ork!
:'''Daniel/Gyro-Robo''': Terrence, I gotta say, I'm not buying this at all, so...
:'''Lindsay''': Beep, Beep! Honk, honk! I'm Herbie! ''[hits Daniel/Gyro-Robo and Terrence]''
:'''Terrence''': Hey!
:'''Lindsay''': Loud horn! ''[Bleep]'' You! Good job, Herbie!
:'''Daniel/Gyro-Robo''': Excuse me! This is a parallel universe, where savagery meets sorcery! There is no Herbie.
:'''Lindsay''': Herbie ''is'' magic, idiot! ''[kicks nerd down]'' Beep beep!
:'''Daniel/Gyro-Robo''': Stop it!
:'''Lindsay''': Aughh! Why are you always following me? ''[cues cameraman to come closer, whispers]'' Follow me.
:'''Munson''': ...And in this corner, it's Munson! ''[steps on Terrence]''
:'''Daniel/Gyro-Robo''': Get out of here, Munson!
:'''Munson''': ''[knocks Gyro-Robo down, then slaps him'' Munson one, gay crap zero!
:'''Daniel/Gyro-Robo''': Stop it, Munson! Oh, how I hate you!
:'''Lindsay''': Beep, beep!. ''[looks at Munson]'' Oooh, a bad boy!
:'''Munson''': Oh, a damaged chick with daddy issues. ''[slaps Gyro-Robo]'' Hey baby!
:'''Lindsay''': I don't know what that is, but I hope it means penis!
:''[Daniel is watching'' Living Lohan'' on TV]''
:'''Lindsay''': Too bad, mom. I love him, and I'm pregnant!!
:'''Dina''': Well, so am I!
:'''Lindsay''' Well, your baby's gonna have cobwebs, cause you're all old, and your notaries are all bunched up and dusty!!
:'''Dina''': ''[Bleep]'' You!
:'''Ali''': Why didn't anyone pick me up after my ''[bleep]''ing ultrasound?!
:'''Daniel/Gyro-Robo''': Ah, looks like I'm moving again.
:'''Dina''': I'M THE GREATEST MOM IN THE WORLD!!!'''

===We Are a Humble Factory [4.11]===
:'''News Reporter:''' ...And to all you kids under 18 watching Robot Chicken, shame on your parents.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[A nature guide and some students are out in the open: the students are playing on their cell phones]''
:'''Nature guide''': Okay, kids, who wants to learn about different types of leaves? ''[the students pause, then continue to play with their phones]'' Okay, who wants to play on your cell phones and Twitter your Facebooks? Oh, whatever. The hell, I guess I'll smoke behind that tree. See ya.
:''[Everyone walks away, until only the Nerd remains, holding a piece of cardboard with pictures of leaves on it]''
:'''Nerd''': But...what about the leaves? ''[sees a pool of water with a sign that reads, &quot;Spring of the Drowned Girl&quot;]'' Oh, my Gosh! Just like the classic anime, ''[[w:Ranma 1/2|Ranma Nibun no Ichi]]. '' [[w:Ranma Saotome|Whoever bathes in the Spring of Drowned Girl will become an awesomely sexy lady]]. So the question is, do I want to be an awesomely sexy lady? Hmmm.... ''[imagines what it would be like if he were...The Nerd has become a girl and examines himself]''Oh, my Gosh! I've got-and I've-and this is-and these are-ohhh, they feel so good to the hand!
:''[The Nerd is buying a stack of comic books at a comic store]''
:'''Harry Knowles''': That will be $68.50... ''[the Nerd flashes him]'' By which I mean free!
:'''Nerd:''' What wonderful powers! Hee hee!
:''[The Nerd is seen in a dressing room, dressing up as Lara Croft, Elektra Natchios, Tifa Lockhart from Final Fantasy, and Catwoman]''
:'''Nerd''': ''[as Lara Croft]'' Hmmm... any tombs ''you'd'' like to raid? ''[as Elektra Natchios]'' The Frank Miller one, not the Jennifer Garner one. ''[as Tifa Lockhart]'' This may be your final fantasy. ''[as Catwoman]'' How about a look at ''these'' jewels, Batman? ''[is seen wandering through the girls' shower]'' La chee do ti do...Hello, ladies, yes, good to see you. Just another girl. Oh, gosh, these are so heavy.
:'''Blond Girl''': Oh...let us help you!
:'''Nerd''': That's good, that's good, you're really helping, girls! ''[moans]''
:'''Second Girl''': Hey, doesn't hot water turn Ranma into a boy again?
:'''Blond Girl''': Hey, yeah!
:''[The Nerd suddenly turns back into a boy and covers himself up]''
:'''Girls''': Eww!
:''[The girls start beating up the Nerd]''
:'''Blond Girl''': Gross!
:'''Nerd''': Well, it's still...you know, skin contact. ''[The red-haired girl jumps on him]'' Whoopee! 
:''[The scene fades back to the Nerd standing at the spring]''
:'''Nerd''': Yes, I ''do'' wanna be an awesomely sexy lady! Hee hee hee! &quot;Mammarize&quot; me, forces of the universe! ''[jumps into the spring]'' Splash, splash, splash!
:''[The Nerd hides as the students and the guide walk up to the spring]''
:'''Nature guide''': And, tragically, this is where a young lady drowned many years ago. 
:'''Boy''': Was she hot? 
:'''Nature guide:''' The brochure says she was 400 pounds, with a clubbed foot and chronic flatulence. So, no. Anyway, back on the bus, everybody. Move it around...
:'''Nerd''': ''[shocked]'' Oh, no!
:''[Cut to school hallways: the Nerd has become overweight and club-footed and is wearing a &quot;Team Awesome&quot; shirt]''
:'''Kaitlin''': Hey! You must be the new girl. My name's Kaitlin. ''[before he can speak, the Nerd farts]'' Eww!
:'''Nerd''': Dang it.''[farts a few more times]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Triple H:''' John Cena was supposed to challenge me for this championship tonight but apparently he got lost on his way here.
:'''JR''': ''[at the announcer table with another announcer]'' That is a load of bull. We saw Triple H let the air out of John Cena's tires. DAMN HIM!!!
:'''Triple H''': I guess if nobody's man enough to challenge me, I'll just take my championship belt and go home.
:''[Just then, a music plays and everyone cheers as Dakota Fanning walks to the ring, angrily, with her theme intro]''
:'''JR''': IT'S HER! IT'S HER! Dakota Fanning is in the building and she looks pissed!
:'''Announcer''': And lets not forget the Dakota's new movie ''[An advertisement of the movie appears while seeing Triple H scolding Dakota]'' ''Wishmagic: The Horse Who Wrote Poems'' opens Friday at theaters across the country!
:'''Dakota''': ''[snatches the microphone from Triple H]'' I taught I was here to talk about ''Wishmagic''...[whisper outside the mike]...The horse who wrote poems''...But apparently some son of a bitch have to go run his mouth! ''[then starts attacking Triple H and start stomping his head to make him bleed]''
:'''JR''': IT'S ON! It's on now! Triple H is in a world of....
:'''Dakota:''' ''[toss Triple H on top of the ringpole and going to do her finisher]'' Here comes a good part! ''[Does a finisher and crashes Triple H onto the announcer's table, breaking it in the process]''
:'''JR''': THE DAKONATOR! THE DAKONATOR! This match is over if she can pin him in the ring!
:''[Just then, John Cena's intro is played while John Cena rushes into the ring]''
:'''JR''': It's John Cena! He must want a piece of Triple H too. ''[Instead, John Cena saves Triple H and start attacking Dakota and after he locks Dakota into submission and hitting her, Triple H came back with a steel chair and start hitting Dakota's face]'' OH NO! It's a damn double-cross! John Cena and Triple H must have set up Dakota from the beginning! AWWW! DAMN THEM! DAMN THEM! ''[An advertisement about Wishmagic appears below the screen] Wishmagic: The Horse Who Wrote Poems'' opens Friday! DAMN THEM TO HELL!

===Maurice Was Caught [4.12]===
:'''Kids''': &quot;Start sharing!&quot;
:'''Kid''': I like sharing.
:'''Kermit''': Yeah! Everybody’s sharing, that's the way you’re supposed to do it. Hi, ol' Gordo! Everybody, this is my cousin [[w:Gordon Gekko|Gordon the Gecko]]. Gordon is a powerful executive on Wall Street. What do you think about sharing?
:'''Gordon the Gecko''': The rich just 1% of this country, Owns half its country wealth. $5,000,000,000,000—
:'''Count von Count''': $1,000,000,000,000! he he he, Two Trill-
:'''Gordon the Gecko''': ''[pushes the Count]'' Shut up. Greed, for lack for better word is good, greed works.
:'''Kid''': My dad says being greedy is bad.
:'''Gordon the Gecko''': Your dad wouldn't know how to pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel. Is Kermit over here sharing with you, to sit here and sing songs?!
:'''Kermit''': Ok, Gordo! It's time to get back to the office.
:'''Gordon the Gecko''': See this building behind me, first place I ever bought, flipped it and made $800,000. It was better then sex!
:'''Kermit''': Ok, who wants a share a healthy after-school snack?
:'''Kids''': I want to make 800,000 dollars!
:'''Kid''': Me too!
:'''Gordon the Gecko''': First, you have to quit dressing up like 9-year old kids. Lets go buy these ''[bleep]''ers some little suits.
:'''Kermit''': Well, I guess that lesson is brought to you by the number &quot;Douchebag!&quot;

===Unionizing Our Labor [4.13]===
:''[1984 Libertarian party convention]''
:'''Candidate 1''': Thank you, my Libertarian friends, for making us your nominees for president and vice president of the United States of America!
:'''Candidate 2''': 1984 is the year of the Libertarian party! We will be champions!
:'''Candidate 1''': Yes, unfortunately, the rock band Queen won't let us play their hit &quot;We Are The Champions&quot;, but enjoy this soundalike, which we will play IN THE WHITE HOUSE!
:'''Singer 1''': ''[to the tune of &quot;We Are The Champions&quot;]'' We are the victors of the Globe. And we'll continue doing stuff...
:''[1988 Libertarian party convention, the candidates have longer hair]''
:'''Candidate 1''': Four years ago, I said that we would be champions...How wrong I was. Ronald Reagan soundly beat us.
:'''Candidate 2''': In fact we received less than one percent of one percent of the vote.
:'''Candidate 1''': But it is 1988 and the country needs to come together like a family.
:'''Candidate 2''': We are family! We are family!
:'''Candidate 1''': Don't worry, Sister Sledge, this is not your copyright-protected musical hit &quot;We Are Family&quot;. It's something better!
:'''Singer 2''': ''[to the tune of &quot;We Are Family&quot;]'' We are a close-knit group! Co-workers and aquaintances!
:''[1992 Libertarian party convention, the candidates are noticeably older, and now have wives]''
:'''Candidate 2''': Four years ago, we asked America to join our family...America said no.
:'''Candidate 1''': So we decided to make loving families of our own. Who else wants to get on board the love train?
:'''Candidate 2''': Sadly, The O-Jays wouldn't let us use their hit song &quot;Love Train&quot;.
:'''Candidate 1''': Even though it expresses every political ideal we stand for!
:'''Candidate 2''': Next stop, the White House.
:'''Candidate 1''': Toot toot! All aboard!
:'''Singer 3''': [to the tune of &quot;Love Train&quot;] Citizens of the Earth, come on. Ride the Friend Choo-choo, ride the Friend Choo-choo, yeah, ride the Friend Choo-choo.
:''[2008 Libertarian party convention, the candidates are now old men]''
:'''Candidate 2''': Well, sadly, not a single voter chose to board the friendship choo-choo. Worse, despite using the soundalike, The O-Jays ''still'' sued us.
:'''Candidate 1''': During the 16-year legal battle, unsavory private matters were revealed, resulting in the spectacular in-court suicide of my beautiful wife, Jennette.
:'''Candidate 2''': My wife Sarah also committed suicide, but, uh, that was unrelated to the trial.
:'''Candidate 1''': These tragedies taught us that life, like voting for a third party, are ultimately meaningless.
:'''Candidate 2''': So, in the end, all we, the Libertarian party, are is &quot;Dust In the Wind&quot;. ''[Candidate 1 stammers]]' I mean, all of us is airborne minidirt!
:'''Candidate 1''': Airborne minidirt, y'all!
:'''Singer 4''': ''[to the tune of &quot;Dust In the Wind&quot;]'' All of us is airborne minidirt...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa''': ''[taking a dump, sigh]'' Gotta cut back on the smurfberries. All that fiber turns my intestines into a smurfin' log flume. Wonder who the page 3 girl is...gee, Smurfette, shocker...''[flushes toilet, the toilet starts overflowing)]'' Uh oh, oh no, go down, go down. Oh no, OH NO, OH, OH SMURF ME UP THE SMURF!!!
:''[Cuts to a scene with Papa and Handy. Handy's covered in mud]''
:'''Handy''': The village septic tank is smurfed to hell!
:'''Papa''': Well, Handy, we're a communist society, so hurry up and fix it for free.
:'''Handy''': You don't understand! The tank ruptured! The sewage has smurfed into the water table!
:''[Meanwhile]''
:'''All Star''': Ugh, Uncle Gaileo, I feel sick! Everything tastes like rotten smurfberries!
:'''Gaileo''': Our water has been contaminated, Allstar!
:'''All Star''': So, how does a test tube work underwater exactly?
:'''Gaileo''': It doesn't take a scientist to figure out those JERK ASS SMURFS are dumping CRAP in our lake again!
:''[Cuts to a scene with three Smurfs, they see something in the sky]''
:'''Smurf 1''': Are those flying fish!?
:'''Grouchy''': I HATE flying fish!
:'''Smurf 1''': Are those flying fish stuffed with DYNAMITE!?
:'''Grouchy''': I HATE flying fish stuffed with dy- ''[a fish collides with the three smurfs, it explodes, killing all three Smurfs. More fish fall from the sky, suicide bombing the Smurf Village straight to hell]''
:'''All Star''': I-I really have an ethical problem with this...
:'''Gaileo''': What? They're volunteering. ''[to the fish while lighting its fuse]'' Just remember; seventy-two fish virgins await you in Fish Heaven!
:''[Back on the battlefield]''
:'''Papa''': TO ME, MY SMURFS! IT'S WAR! WAR!!!
:''[There's a huge explosion in the background. A smurf in some kind of shock toddles toward Papa. He can't hear a thing Papa is saying]''
:'''Deaf''': I CAN'T HEAR! I CAN'T HEAR!
:'''Papa''': You couldn't hear before! Your name is &quot;Deaf Smurf&quot; for God's sakes!
:'''Deaf''': ''[remembers]'' OH YEAH! WELL, IT STILL SUCKS.
:''[Just then, the snork army marches on to the battlefield from the water. Cut to a scene with Vanity and some other Smurf]''
:'''Vanity''': See? like Braveheart.
:''[The other smurf smacks him across the face, knocking him out. Cuts to a scene with a snork opening up one of Jokey Smurf's exploding gift boxes]''
:'''Snork''': ''[gasps]'' A present!
:''[The box blows up in his face, killing him in the process]''
:'''All Star''': EVERYONE! STOP PICKING UP THE PRESENTS!!! ''[ime slows down as another snork falls victim to Jokey's present bombs]'' NOOOOOOOOO!!!
:''[Nearly all the snorks were soundly defeated by the present bombs. Cut to a scene with Brainy Smurf and a bunch of other smurfs]''
:'''Brainy''': Everyone listen to me, we're gonna outflank them with a pinster meneuver. Then, we'll encircle them with a blitzkrieg.
:'''Smurf 2''': Oh, you don't know what your smurfin' about, Brainy!
:'''Brainy''': Papa Smurf put me in charge. and Papa Smurf is always right. because Papa Smurf... ''[sees that he's surrounded by snorks. Two seconds later, he's nothing but a head and whatever remained of his body, and was Amazed]'' Hey it's true! The brain does stay alive after desmurfitation! ''[dies]''
:''[Back on the battlefeild, the Smurf's defenses are picking off the snorks, one by one. A red snork, gulps down a tank of gasoline and becomes a walking flamethrower, killing the Smurfs]''
:'''Daffney''': Stop it, you stupid boys! This isn't accomplishing anything!
:''[One of the Smurfs stop dead in his tracks]''
:'''Smurf 3''': Are you a-are you a-a female?!
:'''Daffney''': Well, sure I am, why?
:''[Two more Smurfs appear on screen]''
:'''Smurf 4''': We thought there was only one girl in the whole world! ''[directs attention towards Smurfette]'' This tired, old, worn out whore over here!
:'''Smurfette''': HEY!
:''[Cuts to a scene where Governor Wetworth and Papa Smurf are signing a peace treaty]''
:'''Papa''': So it's agreed, we'll stop smurfing our turds in your lake.
:''[Snorks all cheer]''
:'''Governor''': And in return, we shall give you photos of our women.
:''[The Smurfs all cheer and then a moments silence]''
:'''Papa''': ...To masturbate too?
:'''Governor''': Yes, to masturbate too.
:''[Governor and Papa shake hands, the Smurfs and snorks all cheer, but the Smurfs are a little more overexcited than the snorks. Cut to a scene where Daffney is being paparazzied by the Smurfs]''
:'''Daffney''' Unbelievable! Rotten, scumbag men. AAARGH!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Robot Chicken credits roll]''
:''[A scene where a fish is talking to Satan in hell]''
:'''Satan''': HAHAHA, YOU STUPID FISH! GET IN THE FRYING PAN!
:''[The fish does just that]''
:'''Stinger''': End.

===President Hu Forbids It [4.14]===
:''[There are two boats in Gotham Harbor, a yeoman approaches the captain]''
:'''Yeoman''': Sir, the whole boat is rigged to explode! And I found this! [displays a detonator]''
:''[Meanwhile, all the passangers are in the seating area, the intercom turns on]''
:'''Joker''': Greetings from the Joker. &quot;Why so serious?&quot; Anyway, we have a boat of civilians and a boat of prison inmates. I will blow up both boats at midnight.
:'''Man 1''': Oh, my God!
:'''Joker''' However, each boat has a detonator that will blow up the opposite boat. If one boat decides to blow up the other boat prior to midnight, I will not blow up the boat that blows up the other boat. It's quite the moral quandary, is it not?
:'''Man 2''': Then let's vote on neither boat blowing up.
:'''GIRL''': No, he said we decide.
:'''Man 3''': Then I decide that neither boat blows up!
:'''Captain''': Wait, wait...so, we vote?
:'''Woman''': No, we...we just press a button, I think.
:'''Man 4''': I don't understand. What does this prove, exactly?
:'''Man 5''': Uh, Mister Joker, sir? We came to a consensus: we vote that neither boat should blow up.
:''[The passengers agree]''
:'''Joker''': That's not a choice!
:'''Man 5''': Uh..uh, you better explain it again then, I guess.
:'''Joker''': ''[sighs]'' I will blow up both the boats-
:'''Man 1''': Oh my God!
:'''Joker''': —unless, UNLESS, one boat blows up the other boat first.
:'''Man 5''': Uh, w-what are the other options?
:'''Joker''': There are no other options.
:'''Old Lady''': Ask him when both boats blow up.
:'''Joker''': MIDNIGHT! MIDNIGHT! MIDNIGHT!
:'''Captain''': Alright folks, that gives us a good 15 minutes. Everyone, into the lifeboats!
:'''Joker''': No, no lifeboats! I said that you couldn't use them.
:'''Man 6''': You never said that!
:'''Joker''': I did, way back in the beginning.
:'''Man 5''': You better go over the rules again.
:'''Joker''': ''[clearly exasperated]'' Oh, for H- it's a catch 22! Look, there are two boats. At midnight—
:''[Batman cuts him off by hitting him with a board]''

===Due To Constraints of Time and Budget [4.15]===
:'''Narrator''': One day in the Concrete Jungle of Nool, an elephant named Morton played &quot;hooky&quot; from school. He was chillin' on the stoop, just peachin' on the block...When onto his trunk landed a tiny crack rock. He thought...
:'''Morton''': I could sell this, make five or six bucks!
:'''Narrator''': But then he heard a tiny voice that hollered...
:'''Voices''': What, what!
:''[Morton bends down close to the rock and listens]''
:'''Narrator''': Morton listened closely, and held very still. He could hear tiny voices in the town of What-Whatville. ''[The camera zooms in on the rock. A tiny city is seen. Strange creatures resembling the Whos from Dr. Seuss' books are seen on a dance floor. A DJ is in the background]'' They were having a party, with a DJ in the cut, and everybody was yelling...
:'''What-Whatians''': What, what!
:''[The screen cuts back to Morton]''
:'''Narrator''': Morton had a new purpose, he had a new drive: to hide the rock and keep the party alive. ''[Morton decides to conceal the rock from sight. He walks to the right, and confronts a drugged-up kangaroo with blackened eyelids]'' He walked down the street, and out of the blue, he came face to face with Crackhead Kangaroo. She was shaking and twitching, her eyelids were black. She said...
:'''Kangaroo''': ''[stammering]'' M-M-M-M-Morton, I'll s-s-suck your C-C-C-COCK for that crack!
:''[A strange look crosses Morton's face as he looks at the rock. He walks behind a dumpster with the kangaroo]''
:'''Narrator''': Well, sometimes an elephant just has to nut. So that was the end of the world of...
:'''What-Whatians''': What, what!
:''[The What-Whatians and their world are set ablaze when the rock is lit up. Everyone screams]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Announcer''': Hey, my ex-girlfriend, how do eat a Reese's Piece, buttercup?
:'''Ex-Girlfriend''': I pretend the peanut butter is your soul, and I suck it out and then I crush the remaining empty husk in my cruel, cold fist.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Beatles]]''': ''[singing]'' We are sailing underwater-ater-ater, all the fishes look delicious, colors, drugs, rainbows and hugs...
:'''Old Fred''': Wait! Be quiet! Something's showing up on the radar!
:'''[[Paul McCartney]]''': Maybe it's Ringo's lunch. He ate a big sandwich.
:'''[[Ringo Starr]]''': I still have sand in me mouth. ''[spits out sand]''
:'''Old Fred''': Shh! Look!
:''[An image of a submarine appears on the radar]''
:'''[[John Lennon]]''': Sandwiches are me bread and butter.
:'''Paul McCartney''' Good one, John.
:'''Old Fred''' Damn it, shut the hell up! It's a submarine from the land of the Blue Meanies! The Dreaded &quot;Blue October&quot;! I'm gonna send them a ping.
:''[Soundwaves come from the Yellow Submarine. They reach a blue sub with yellow lines on its side. Cut to the inside of the Blue October. Two Meanies resembling Captain Marko Ramius and Jack Ryan have heard the ping]''
:'''Meanie Captain''': Was that a ping?
:'''Meanie Lieutenant''': Yes, Sir!
:'''Meanie Captain''': You know we don't say &quot;yes&quot; in Meanie Land.
:'''Meanie Lieutenant''': I'm so sorry, no, Sir. Should I ping them back, Sir?
:'''Meanie Captain''': No...
:'''Meanie Lieutenant''': No?
:'''Meanie Captain''': No...I said, &quot;no&quot;...Do you understand?
:'''Meanie Lieutenant''': No.
:'''Meanie Captain:''': Ping them back.
:'''Meanie Lieutenant''': Yes, Sir! I mean, no, sir.
:''[The Lieutenant sends a ping back to the Yellow Submarine]''
:'''Old Fred''': They pinged us back!
:'''Paul McCartney''': I know. My ears are still pinging.
:'''John Lennon''': Hey, I have an [[idea]]. What's the most important thing in the [[world]]?
:'''Ringo Starr''': [[LSD|Acid]].
:'''John Lennon''': After that?
:'''Ringo Starr''': Love.
:'''John Lennon''': That's right. Maybe those meanies in the &quot;Blue October&quot; don't want to declare war. Maybe they want to declare love and defect to Pepperland.
:'''Paul McCartney''': There's only one way to find out. Let's sing a song about love.
:'''Old Fred''': Oh...
:'''Beatles:''': ''[Love your love with love...Just love your love with love...]''
:'''Meanie Captain''': They're singing! Maybe they know we're trying to defect to Pepperland.
:'''Meanie Lieutenant''': Sir, another submarine from Meanie Land followed us!
:''[The camera zooms up to show another sub with red lines on its side. Inside, a Meanie Officer resembling Viktor Tupolev and his lackey are shown]''
:'''Meanie Officer''': Open the glove compartment! Fire!
:''[The enemy sub launches the Dreadful Flying Glove from its front]''
:'''Old Fred''': Another submarine fired a glove at the ''Blue October''!
:'''John Lennon''': I know what to do. Steer our Submarine straight toward the glove.
:'''Old Fred''': You're crazy! We'll all die!
:'''[[George Harrison]]''': Who cares? We're just cartoons.
:'''Ringo Starr''': &quot;Spull feed&quot; ahead!
:''[The Yellow Submarine moves toward the glove. Cut back to the inside of the enemy Meanie sub]''
:'''Second Meanie''': Should I arm the glove, sir?
:'''Meanie Officer''': Yes...Yesss! ''[jumps up and down]'' No!
:''[The enemy sub launches a missile, which connects with the Dreadful Flying Glove.]''
:'''Ringo Starr''': Oh, look, a hole. ''[picks up a hole and throws it upward. The armed glove is swallowed up]''
:'''Meanie Officer''': What happened? Why didn't it explode? Periscope!
:''[The periscope is lowered, and the armed glove pops out of it]''
:'''Meanie Officer''': Ohh...''[Bleep]''.
:''[The missile goes off, and the enemy Meanie sub explodes. The Beatles and the Captain cheer on]''
:'''Paul McCartney''': Hole in one, Ringo. How did you know it would work?
:'''Ringo Starr''': I didn't. I'm on acid.
:'''John Lennon''': Way to go, Ringo. Maybe now you can sleep with the groupies first.
:'''Ringo Starr''': Really?
:'''Paul McCartney''': No.
:'''Beatles''': ''[singing]'' Love your love with love...Just love your love with love...
:''[Everyone starts laughing, chattering, and singing]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Chelsie and Grandma are knitting]''
:'''Mom''': Ma, don't teach Chelsie that girly crap! This isn't the dark ages. ''[gives the Barbie doll to Chelsie]'' Here.
:'''Grandma''': Ohh, and the fashion doll with big watermelon boobs teaches the right lessons, huh? That's-That's what going on?
:'''Mom''': Barbie is a frickin' race car driver these days, Ma! She bungee jumps in Paracelsus, and I think there's even a bomb disposal robot accessory.
:'''Chelsie''': Thank you for the Barbie. ''[pulls the sting on the Barbie's back]''
:'''Barbie''': ''[voice box]'' Girls could do anything. Especially, men. Let me be absolutely clear about that.
:'''Chelsie''': All right, Barbie! Lets have adventures!
:''[One hour later, the Doctor pulled the blanket to show Mom and Grandma that Chelsie died]''
:'''Mom''': ''[gasps]'' That's her! That's my little girl... ''[crying]''
:'''Grandma''': How did this happen?!
:'''Doctor''': Well, Chelsie's race car hit the wall in its speeds in excess of two hundred miles in hour. So, pfft.
:'''Grandma''': Race car?! Where did she get a race car?!
:'''Doctor''': Girls these days have all sorts of adventures, mam. This isn't the dark ages.
:'''Grandma''': She was eight years old!
:'''Mom''': At least, she died doing what she loved, Ma!
:'''Grandma''': SHE LOVED KNITTING!
:'''Doctor''': Yes, that's lovely. Now, that you could fill out some forms. ''[walks with Chelsie's mom]''
:'''Grandma''': ''[crying]'' Oh, Chelsie. ''[to the destroyed Barbie doll]'' This is your fault! ''[crying]'' Whore!
:''[The screen zooms horrifying with the evil laugh sound]''

===The Ramblings of Maurice [4.16]===
:'''Graph Guy''': Our cereal sales are WAY down! What do we do?!?
:'''Internet Executive''': I've got 4 words for you: Sugar, Internet, Viral, Video, and some punctuation: EXCLAMATION POINT!
:''[Music Begins: Download the Free MP3. Some rights reserved under creative commons license]''
:'''Cocoa Vampire''': Oooooooooo...Chocolate Grain ''[Subscribe!]'', Bits of corn, Marshmallow, other stuff. ''[breathing away from mic. Yes, vampires do breathe]'' Chocolate grain, 5 times more sugar than Choco Puffs. Chocolate grain, tell your parents it's what they should buy. ''[Buy the SHIRT!]'' Chocolate grain, so much sugar you'll get crazy high. Chocolate grain, if you have diabetes, stay away. Chocolate grain, it's something that our lawyers made us say. Chocolate grain, the 'mount of sugar will drive you insane. Chocolate grain, 100 percent sugar, zero grain!!!
:'''Graph Guy''': Sales for Cocoa Vampire are through the roof! What else ya got?
:'''Internet Executive''': Well, for Fruit Monster, how about a video called, &quot;Two Berries, One Cup?&quot; I've put together a rough demo. Roll it!
:'''Girl''': Oh...''[giggling]''
:''[The executives, except for Internet Executive, vomit]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': I've followed you to this hot chocolate factory Two-face, and this time I'm bringing you down!
:'''Two-Face''': Not so fast Batman! Your fate lies in a flip of this coin, heads you live, tails you die! ''[flips coin, it comes up tails]'' Huh, death! ''[Batman lunges at him, accidentally pressing his face against the burning hot chocolate mixer]'' AAAAHHHHH!!!
:'''Batman''': I'm sorry, Harvey.
:'''Two-Face''': Don't call me Harvey, call me by my new name. ''[turns to reveal a second burn mark over half of his already burned face]'' Three-Face! ''[pulls out a three-sided die]'' This is my three sided die, one you live, two you die, three we drink hot chocolate together. ''[rolls his three sided die, it comes up a two]'' Oh, uh, looks like you're gunna three sided DIE! ''[lunges at Batman, he slips trying to get out of bed]''
:'''Batman''': Watch out for that bleach!
:'''Three-Face''': ''[falls face first into a tray with various liquids on it, a bottle of bleach shatters and hits him and the bleach gets on his face]'' AAAAHHHHH!!!
:'''Batman''': ''[meets Three-Face on top of a roof]'' Three-Face, I'm really sorry about the hospital.
:'''Three-Face''': Call me by my real name. ''[turns around to reveal a fourth burn on the good half of his face]'' Four-face! ''[pulls out four straws]'' I'm holding four straws in my hand, if you choose the shortest one you die! If you choose the longest one you live! The other two will determine whether I throw bleach on your costume or we drink hot chocolate together.
:'''Batman''': Alright Four-face I'll play your game! ''[hesitates on his first try and picks a straw on his second]''
:''[Cut to the diner where Four-Face and Batman are enjoying a rather pleasant meal, Four-Face is enjoying a steaming cup of hot chocolate and Batman is sampling the diner's soup]''
:'''Four-Face''': Oh, OH! This is really good hot chocolate!
:'''Batman''': Hmm...The soup's not bad either.
:'''Four-face''': Oh yeah, can I try some? ''[grabs for Batman's soup]''
:'''Batman''': ''[tries to stop him from taking it, fearing that the soup is too hot for Four-Face]'' WAIT, HARVEY! NO!!
:'''Four-Face''': ''[the soup splashes against Four-Face's face burning him on contact]'' AAAAHHHHH!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Jim Henson|Jim Henson]] Company Executive 1''': Ah, our ''[[Dark Crystal]]'' sequel is doomed!
:'''Executive 2''': Well, it's been in development Hell for years. Now theaters don't even want it.
:'''Executive 1''': We need a brand-new take. Something that really tricks kids into thinking they want to see a movie about puppets.
:''[Cut to the next scene, where Jen is wearing a rapper-style outfit]''
:'''Jen''': Yo, whassup, everybody? This is Lil' Jen, aka MC Gelfling! Lemme take you on a little journey! Raise up your glasses y'all, and get ready for the story of the Dark...Crys...tal! ''[the UrSkeks are seen drinking booze, when suddenly, one of them, driving a car, fires at them, breaking off part of the large bottle in the center. The race is split up into the UrRus and Skeksis, who go their separate ways]'' Once upon a time, in the distant land of Thura, there was a huge-ass super-sized bottle of the Crystal, living under three suns, all the peoples having fun! They were clinking and drinking, the Crystal for everyone, but then there was a drive-by. Oh snap! Hit the deck! It was the Skeksis in a Lexus with a tech! Bottle got wrecked, it split two different races to two different places. The Skeksis headed West with their creepy dead bird faces. The UrRus waited on the East Coast for all their help to come. They were a bunch of Mystics who like to sit around and hum... ''[the UrRus start humming rhythmically]'' Ah, yeah. That sound good right there. In step, the prophecy, there's no stopping me! Gelfling's gonna help things, pretty soon we'll be popping C-R-Y-S to the T-A-L. Full throttle, fix the bottle and break that spell!
:''[Jen is seen rapping along with other characters from the film]''
:'''Jen and Chorus''': Whole world is ugly, no one's sipping on bubbly, wanna get busy, but without the fizzy, the ladies won't love me. I gotta save the land of Thura, I am far and mystical. Gonna wreck me some Skeksis and go get that Cristal. I went to Aughra and got that cracked up shard of the Crystal. Whoo! Then I met Kira and Fizzgig, he was a little fuzzy ball.
:'''Fizzgig''': Whassup, y'all?
:''[Jen and Kira are seen riding on Landstriders, and they encounter the Skeksis. Jen is seen leaping into the air, and places the broken shard onto the bottle. Jen is seen rapping again as the world's former glory is restored]''
:'''Jen''': Jumped on a Landstrider, rode to the castle, faced off with the Skeksis. Man, those dudes are crazy assholes! I put the cracked shard of the bottle back into the right spot! Now the East and West Coasts got back together, and this joint is ''[bleep]''ing hot!
:'''Jen and Chorus''': Yeah, this party's a blast, the Crystal's flowing fast. I'm thinking I wanna get up in Kira's ass. We're all having a ball, there won't be no last call. West and East, squash the beef! They're all drinking Crystal. More people still coming, and the Mystics still humming, they go... ''[The UrRus start humming rhythmically]''
:'''Jen''': Yeah.
:'''Chorus''': That's the end of the Dark Crystal...
:'''Jen''': Hoes!
:''[Cut back to the executives, who are standing in front of a portrait of Jim Henson]''
:'''Executive 1''': Well, we failed you, Jim.
:''[The executives commit suicide by drinking poison]''
:'''Executive 2''': Aaah...Sweet...relief...
:''[They stagger off to die]''

===Can't Be Erased, So Sorry [4.17]===
:'''Inmate''': ''[talking to Monopoly pieces]'': Hey, man. What'chu in for?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: ''[A costumed character known as &quot;The Mockingbird&quot; is sitting bound to a chair, and gets punched in the face. Another character in a bird-like costume is revealed to be interrogating the Mockingbird]''
:'''Finch''': Ready to talk, Mockingbird?
:'''Mockingbird''' ''[spits out some blood, mocking]'' &quot;Ready to talk, Mockingbird?&quot;
:'''Finch''': Aah! I should've seen that coming! Scout, see if the coast is clear!
:''[A bird-costumed character wearing goggles and a speaker-phone searches, then turns toward Finch]''
:'''Scout''': Coast is clear, Finch.
:'''Finch''': Good. 'Cause I'm about to kill a Mockingbird!
:''[Mockingbird clicks a button on a detonation device, which breaks his bindings. He then kicks Finch in the crotch, then whacks him with the chair, and kicks him a few times more]''
:'''Scout''': Jem! Jem! Use your gemstones!
:''[A character in a red bird costume shows up. Jem fires beams from the gemstones on his wings, effectively killing Mockingbird before he can get away]''
:'''Scout, Finch, and Jem''': Yeah!
:''[The group celebrates, then cut to a classroom. It's revealed that this was all part of a report]''
:'''Student''' And...that's my book report on &quot;How to Kill a Mockingbird&quot; by Lee...Harper...Oswald or whoever...
:'''Teacher''' Couldn't even spring for the Cliffs Notes, huh? ''[whacks the student upside the head]''

===Please Do Not Notify Our Contractors [4.18]===
:'''Cop''': You realize when I pulled you over, you were doing 87 miles an hour?
:'''Marty''': Yeah, I know. Believe me, I know.

===Especially the Animal Keith Crofford! [4.19]===
:'''Bumblelion''': I love being a Wuzzle! We get to be two animals at once! Take me — I'm a bumblebee and a lion!
:'''Eleroo''': And I'm an elephant and a kangaroo.
:'''Butterbear''': You know what grosses me out, Bumblelion? How'd your parents get together?
:''[Cuts to a lion and a bumblebee]''
:'''Lion''': OW! What the hell?! You think you can just sting me, you little bumblebee? Wow, you're a cute little bumblebee. Oh, you little cutie, come here. ''[turns around to have sex with the bumblebee]'' Oh, yeah! Owch! Ahh, owch! Sting me in the hole! Owch, sting me in the hole! Owch, sting me in the hole! Owch!
:''[Goes back to the three Wuzzles]''
:'''Bumblelion''': UGH! I don't wanna think about THAT anymore. What about you. Eleroo?
:''[Goes to a kangaroo and an elephant about to have sex]''
:'''Elephant''': Now, this might hurt a little. ''[in a sex position, the elephant crushes the kangaroo, who screams]''
:''[Afterwards we return to the Wuzzles]''
:'''Eleroo''': EW! How about you, Donkeyhuman?
:[The camera moves to reveal Donkeyhuman]
:'''Donkeyhuman''': ''[brays]'' As far as I know...
:'''Other 3 Wuzzles''': ''[interrupting Donkeyhuman]'' Actually I don't wanna know. Yeah, I'm not interested. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean it. I'm good.

===Dear Consumer [4.20]===
:''[Jaden walks into his bedroom before a lamp is turned on and Santa is seen sitting in a chair]''
:'''Jaden''': I suppose your presence here means I made the naughty list.
:'''Santa Claus''': We don't mind a little mischief, Jaden. But flashing your wee-wee at the maid. That's one step too far.
:'''Jaden''': And where is my mother? ''[Santa stares at Jaden and looks depressed]'' Hmm, I see. And how did she die?
:'''Santa Claus''': Not well.
:''[In the flashback, Santa comes towards Jaden's mother and punches her. She elbows him in the neck before he grabs her neck and throws her against the kitchen top drawers. Jaden's mother bashes his head with the freezer. She grabs a knife and begins swinging it at Santa. As she is about to stab him, he moves which sends the knife into a wall plug-in, electrocuting Jaden's mother. Santa grabs her by the back of her head and shoves her face into a sink full of water until she doesn't move anymore. Back to the present]''
:'''Jaden''': She made you work for it, did she? ''[opens a desk drawer where a small gun is seen]'' You'll find I'm not so easy. ''[points the gun at Santa. He attempts to shoot, but there are no bullets]'' They say the second one is always-
:''[Santa quickly shoots Jaden with another gun which sends him flying into three shelves and knocks all of the toys down]''
:'''Santa Claus''': Considerably.
:''[Back to the flashback, Santa is then seen walking away from Jaden's mother after killing her. Then Jaden's mother screamed as she rises from the sink with her make-up smeared and holding the knife up, but Santa quickly shoots Jaden's mother, which is a short parody of a scene in Casino Royale before the opening credits starts]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[A dad, a mom and their son are in the living room on Christmas morning. The son is about to open his present and his dad is excited. The boy opens the present which explodes, killing him]''
:'''Dad''': Ha, ha! Ha....Ah, it was a lot funnier when Jokey Smurf did it. Huh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daughter''': It's the most beautiful tree ever!
:'''Mother''': It certainly is, Sweetie!
:'''Tree''': ''[looking in the Window]'' My wife! ''[sobbing]'' you killed her, and you decorated her!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[On Christmas Eve, the atheist mayor is standing in front of the church doors addressing the people]''
:'''Atheist Mayor''': ''[to the people]'' Back to your homes. As the first Atheist mayor, I am shutting down the church.
:'''Old Woman''': But it's Christmas!
:'''Atheist Mayor''': Well, you should have thought of that when I campaigned as the first Atheist mayor.
:'''Citizens''': Oh, yeah.
:'''Old Woman''': Can we at least hear the Christmas chimes?
:'''Atheist Mayor''': ''[lifts up the giant silver chime]'' No! ln fact, I removed the chimey thingy that makes the chimey noise. So, you're screwed! ''[laughs, and was about to leave]'' Oh, and vote for me in November. ''[then leaves]''
:''[Newspaper headlines says &quot;TOWN CHIMES IN ON PROBLEM&quot;, &quot;STORY RINGS TRUE!&quot;, and &quot;CHILDREN CAN'T &quot;BELL&quot;-IEVE IT!&quot;. On Christmas night, the Humping Robot walks into the silent town on snow, wearing a Santa hat. Then he looks at the church bell, and makes a bell with his hands in air. He then knocks the blocked boards down with his hands and entered the church. He crashed though the roof door and stared at the shiny bronze bell. He was thrilled with joy and began ringing the bell with his hands]''
:'''Daughter''': ''[waking her dad up]'' Daddy, Daddy! Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings!
:''[The angels from Heaven are awoken by heard the bells ringing. The alarm is off, and the angels flew down to Earth and face the Atheist Mayor into action]''
:'''Atheist Mayor''': ''[seeing the angels appearing on rooftops]'' What the-? What the-? Oh, my!
:''[He is about to run, à la North By Northwest, but the angels gunned him down with Tommy-guns]''
:'''Daughter''': ''[off-screen]'' Remember to keep Christ in Christmas.
:''[The Humping Robot continues ringing the bell]''
:'''Announcer''': Brought to you by Church.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Elf''': ''[to Santa]'' Did you remember to get Mrs. Claus something?
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[gasps, then gives the elf some money]'' Go get her a mug from the stationary store.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Christmas in Asgard]''
:'''Thor''': The reward for Thor's good deeds; a shiny bicycle.
:'''Loki''': ''[sees a lump a coal from his stocking]'' Augh! A lump of coal?!
:'''Odin''': ''[laughs]'' I love my son Thor and not my son Loki. And Santa agrees. ''[grabs his goblet]'' Ha ha! My parenting is most inequitable.
:'''Thor''': ''[on his bicycle]'' I am off to the rainbow bridge to offer rides to the shirtless muscular warriors who there congregate. ''[rides off]''
:'''Loki''': Ah, next Christmas, victory shall belong to Loki, God of Mischief. ''[laughs evilly. He is seen at the store as he puts on the fake Thor helmet with a blond wig; chuckles as he grabs a soda]'' I'm Thor, and I'm very thirsty! ''[gulping]'' Ahhh! ''[the sign behind him says &quot;NO REFILLS&quot;]'' No one minds if I get another. ''[gets another refill. He is next seen, humming as he urinates two guys in the bathroom, much to their disgust]'' I'm Thor. I got great aim 'cause I'm the God of Thunder.
:''[Loki is seen in the elevator]''
:'''Old Lady''': Hold the door!
:'''Loki''': ''[holding the doors open]'' Oh, don't worry, I got it. Hi, nice to meet you. Thor, God of Thunder. By the way, eat this! ''[shoots the lady dead with his gun]'' Ha ha!
:''[The Following Christmas]''
:''[Loki laughs while riding the bicycle as the shocked and confused Thor holds a lump of coal]''
:'''Odin''': ''[spits]'' By my own beard! Is it Christmas Day or opposite day?! ''[looks at the calendar]'' Nay, it &quot;is&quot; Christmas day!
:'''Thor''': I have been good! I have! Santa Claus shall taste the Thunder God's wrath! ''[flies to the North Pole as Loki snickered silently]''
:''[At the North Pole]''
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[sees the elves' dead bodies on the floor]'' Good God!
:'''Thor''': ''[appears behind the door]'' But not good enough for ye, eh?! Have at thee!
:''[Thor begins attacking Santa by whacking him with his hammer called Mjollnir. He was about to hit the stomach, but Santa gained upper hand, attacking him with his candy cane. He shoots candy canes at Thor, who blocks them with his Mjollnir. Mrs. Claus runs around screaming. Thor swings at Santa, who dodges and pushes him onto the table. Santa is about to hit him, but Thor gained upper hand by smashing Santa onto the table a few times, before knocking him down on the floor. He is about to finish him off, but he swung his Mjollnir backwards and accidentally hit and killed Mrs. Claus who kept running and screaming, much to his surprise. He pulled his Mjollnir out of her smashed and blooded face, and noticed the fake Santa's naughty list on the floor]''
:'''Thor''': ''[picks the list up and reads it]'' Thor did none of this! Why would a Thunder God refill his soda even after his thirst was slaked? Or urinate hither and yon? Or murder an old woman? ''[pause as he sees Mrs. Claus' dead body]'' Well, I dideth, not the other two! I smell my brother's deceitful hand in this. ''[picks up Santa]'' Rise, noble Claus. Thou was fooled as was I. Loki's villainy must be revealed. ''[grabs is Mjollnir, takes Santa, and flies back to Asgard]''
:''[Back in Asgard. Loki shoots and kills people while riding a bicycle]''
:'''Loki''': Whoo! I'm Thor as hell!
:''[Thor and Santa arrive]''
:'''Santa Claus''': He's a madman! Stop him!
:'''Thor''': Fear not, Santa Claus. You yourself shall make Loki pay, a year hence when you bring him a lump of coal on Christmas Day. ''[to the camera]'' Merry Christmas, everyone!
:'''Loki''': God of Thunder! ''[shoots bullets in the air]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Woman''': I love it when it snows. It's so peaceful.
:''[We hear the snowflakes screaming while falling from the sky]''
:'''Snowflake 1''': Aaaaahh! Oh, God! I'm falling! Wha-What's happening? ''[screaming continues]'' Is that the ground?! Holy ''[bleep]''! That's the ''[bleep]''ing ground! This is it! Game over, man! ''[falls onto the ground]''
:'''Snowflake 2''': Get off of me! ''[stammering]'' Get off of me!
:'''Snowflake 1''': I can't! I can't get up! ''[groaning as two snowflakes fall on him]'' It's a madhouse! It's a madhouse!
:'''Man''': I hate snow. We should go to Tahiti next Christmas.
:'''Woman''': Yeah, let's do that. ''[steps on the snowflakes who are still screaming]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Two boys are in the living room next to the Christmas tree with presents under it on Christmas morning]''
:'''Boy ''': Shh.
:''[They opened the present, but finds the dynamite, which is going off. The dynamite explodes, killing the boys. The next scene shows the family in another house; the girl opens her present]'' 
:'''Mom''': Awww!
:'''Girl''': ''[picks up the dynamite, which is also going off]'' That's weird.
:''[Another dynamite kills the family with explosion. The next scene shows the African-American couple in the living room opening their presents, but find the grenade which the pin is attached to the string. They accidentally pulled the grenade out of the pin, with horrified looks on their faces. Then the grenade explodes, killing the couple. Cut to the North Pole where the group of terrorists held gunpoint at Mrs. Claus an the elves in front of Santa]''
:'''Santa Claus''': Okay, I delivered all the bombs! Now please, don't hurt my family.
:'''Terrorist''': And the Jews? Are the Jews dead too?
:'''Santa Claus''': But...Jews don't even have Christmas!
:'''Terrorist''': Then you have failed!
:'''Santa Claus''': Noooo!
:''[Terrorists shoots Santa]''
:'''Announcer''': Don't forget about terrorism this Christmas. A message from the Department of Ho-Ho-Homeland Security.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The sketch opens with the title card Gift of the Maji written in gold letters appearing on a green background. We then see Della Dillingham Young in a store]''
:'''Della''': I'd like to buy a chain for my husband's watch.
:'''Chain Salesman''': Seventy-five dollars.
:'''Della''': Oh, my! I can't afford that. Unless... ''[cut to Della at a barbershop and taking a seat in a barber's chair]'' I'd like to sell my hair, please.
:''[The female barber pulls out an electric razor and starts shaving Della's hair. Cut to James Dillingham Young at another store]''
:'''James''': I'd like to buy some brushes for my wife's beautiful hair, please.
:'''Brush Salesman''': Seventy-five dollars.
:'''James''': For brushes? What the ''[bleep]''? What are they, solid gold? My watch is 75 dollars and it is a ''[bleep]''ing antique!
:''[A short pause; cut to James at home; Della, who is now bald, enters]''
:'''James''': What the ''[bleep]'' happened to you?
:'''Della''': I wanted to buy you a chain for your watch, so, I sold my hair to do it!
:'''James''': Holy ''[bleep]''! You look like you have cancer! Couldn't you have just let me keep my beautiful wife for Christmas?
:'''Della''': You don't like it?
:'''James''': Well here's where the irony kicks in. I wanted to get you hairbrushes for Christmas, but the man said I'd have to sell my watch to afford them!
:'''Della''': Oh, no! You sold your watch?
:'''James''': ''[Bleep]'', no! What, am I crazy?! For brushes?! I think the cat brush is just as ''[bleep]''ing good and that thing was a buck-fifty!
:'''Della''': So, you didn't get me brushes?
:'''James''': What, did they shave your ears too?! I said no, already!
:'''Della''': Oh... ''[chuckles]'' Then what did you get me?
:'''James''': ''[gives Della a set of lingerie]'' Lingerie! Now, go pop that sucker on! ''[puts a Santa hat on Della's bald head]'' This too!
:'''Della''': ''[drops the lingerie]'' Yeaahhh...I'm gonna go stay with my mom for a while.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The scene opens with Santa's custom sleigh and his reindeer flying in the sky]''
:'''Comet''': How's the view back there, buddy? The light at the end of the tunnel is my ass!
:''[The reindeer behind Comet makes disgusted groans. Cut to Santa hearing a cry for help]''
:'''Voice''': Help me!
:'''Santa Claus''': Huh? Put her down, boys. ''[hey landed the sleigh before he, Comet and his reindeer all gathered at a well and see a little boy, who is unseen, is trapped in the well]'' Help is coming, little boy! Are you hurt?
:'''Little Boy''': ''[from the well]'' I've been down here three days with no food or water! And I pooped in my pants!
:'''Santa Claus''': Three days?! He could die of thirst before we reach him!
:'''Comet''': Not on my watch! ''[starts peeing down the well]''
:'''Santa''': What are you-? Comet! Stop peeing on that child!
:'''Comet''': I saw it on ''Man vs. Wild''. You can drink pee, pee it out and drink it again! Three times if you want!
:'''Little Boy''': This rain tastes like oats.
:''[Clock transition with the sound of jingle bells]''
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[gets off his cell phone]'' The fire department's on its way.
:'''Comet''': There's no time!
:'''Santa Claus''': Comet! No! ''[Comet soars in the air and dives into the well]'' Comet?!
:'''Comet''': Um, okay. I'm stuck like halfway down. Almost there.
:''[Santa facepalms himself. Another clock transition with the sound of a siren. The fire department and the police arrive]''
:'''Fireman''': We could throw down a rope and a harness down to the kid, except your reindeer's plugging up the hole now.
:'''Comet''': Just throw down a grenade!
:'''Santa Claus''': What?!
:'''Comet''': Throw down one grenade to launch me toward the bottom. Then I'll grab the boy with my teeth. And you can throw down a second grenade to launch me to the surface!
:'''Policeman''': Your deer don't know ''[bleep]'' about grenades, does he?
:'''Santa Claus''': He spends most of his life on a frozen tundra. Reindeer don't know ''[bleep]'' about ''[bleep]'', quite frankly.
:'''Fireman''': So, listen, ''[The two reindeer look at each other and toss a grenade down the well]'' thanks to your deer, we're gonna have to excavate half this field.
:''[The grenade explodes and Santa gains consciousness]''
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[shocked]'' Oh, my God! ''[the explosion has blown up the well and everything around it. The two reindeer that threw down the grenade had their heads blown off and their corpses faint]'' Comet?! Little boy?!
:''[Fade to Comet, Santa and the little boy, who is now seen, in a cast and bandages in a hospital room]''
:'''Little Boy''': Thank you, Comet! You saved me!
:'''Comet''': Aw, ain't know thing.
:'''Santa Claus''': Well, actually, about 100 volunteers working around the clock with heavy machinery would've suf-
:'''Little Boy''': I love you, Mr. Comet!
:'''Comet''': I love you too, Mr. Little Boy!
:''[Comet and the little boy both hug]''
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[leaves]'' That still freaks me out.
:'''Comet''': ''[follows with his legs missing and he's floating in midair]'' Yeah. It's 100% badass, alright.
:''[Cut to Comet and Santa outside the hospital]''
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[gets on Comet's back]'' Take us back to the North Pole! And-And don't say the line.
:'''Comet''': Oh, I gotta say the line! Please?! Please?!
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[sighs]'' Fine, fine. Whatever.
:'''Comet''': Ahem. Legs? Where we're going, we don't need legs! ''[soars off with Santa]'' Yeah! ''[towards the camera]'' And away we go!
:''[Christmas Special ends]''

[[Category:Robot Chicken seasons]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Murdoch Mysteries</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>190958</id>
    <revision>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-26T20:20:08Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
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      <comment>/* External links */ r/m Template:Tv.com show</comment>
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      <text bytes="11435" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}

'''''[[w:Murdoch_Mysteries|Murdoch Mysteries]]''''' (January 20, 2008–present) is a [[w:Television_in_Canada|Canadian television]] [[w:Drama|drama]] series aired on both [[w:City_(TV_Network)|City]] and [[w:CBC_Television|CBC Television]], titled '''''The Artful Detective''''' on the [[w:Ovation_(U.S._TV_Channel)|Ovation]] cable TV network, featuring [[w:Yannick_Bisson|Yannick Bisson]] as William Murdoch, a [[w:police_detective|police detective]] working in [[w:Toronto|Toronto]], [[w:Ontario|Ontario]], around the turn of the twentieth century. The television series is based on characters from the novel series by [[w:Maureen_Jennings|Maureen Jennings]]

__TOC__


== Season 1 ==
=== ''Power'' [1.1] ===
:'''Dr. Julia Ogden''': I'm sorry it took so long but I rarely get the chance to examine an electrocution victim.
:'''Detective William Murdoch''': I suspect it will become less rare in the next while.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Det. Murdoch''': How did you know about the stocks, sir?
:'''Inspector Thomas Brackenreid''': Intuition.
:'''Det. Murdoch''': Really?
:'''Insp. Brackenreid''': Well, I can't bloody well retire on a copper's salary, can I?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Nikola_Tesla|Nikola Tesla]]''': [[w:Alternating_current|Alternating current]] doesn't need to bribe its way into the future. The forces of logic and history compel it to.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Edna Garrison''': Honest to goodness, how can a police officer be so clumsy?
:'''Constable George Crabtree''': Well, breaking and entering with grace is not part of my job.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nikola Tesla''':  We are men of the future, Detective Murdoch, and what a future it shall be.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inspector Thomas Brackenreid''': Oi, Bugalugs!  Shift!

=== ''Glass Ceiling'' [1.2] ===
:'''Insp. Brackenreid''': What kind of man delivers a corpse to a police station?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Reading through a Patent Application]''
:'''Det. Murdoch''': Corn shards: A breakfast product made up of reconstituted corn pulp meant to be eaten with cold milk.
:'''Cst. Crabtree''': That sounds revolting.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Insp. Brackenreid''': Coppers don't believe in coincidences.

=== ''The Knockdown'' [1.3] ===
:'''Cst. Crabtree''': Sir, you haven't told me why you think Mrs. Robinson is innocent.
:'''Det. Murdoch''': [[w:Newton's_laws_of_motion#Newton.27s_3rd_Law|Newton's Third Law of Motion]], George.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jeb Cutler''': I even had a nickname: Amos the Animal. My wife thought Untamed Beast was more provocative but I confess a weakness for alliteration.
:'''Det. Murdoch''': Yes, that's quite a feat to reduce a man to a slogan.

 &lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[When a ferret runs up Murdoch's pants leg]''
:'''Cst. Crabtree''': Careful, sir! They're known to bite!
:'''Det. Murdoch''': What?!!
:'''Cst. Crabtree''': Cut off access to your sensitive bits!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Det. Murdoch''': There is nothing that exonerates her.
:'''Insp. Brackenreid''': Based on what? Logic? The compendium of evidence?! Well, booger that, Murdoch! You think she's innocent based on nothing but your own intuition!
:'''Det. Murdoch''': But of what use is that? Intuition isn't a reliable basis upon which to form an opinion.
:'''Insp. Brackenreid''': What kind of socks am I wearing? 
:'''Det. Murdoch''': Pardon?
:'''Insp. Brackenreid''': Brown, black or argyle?
:'''Det. Murdoch''': I don't know.
:'''Insp. Brackenreid''': Well, guess! 
:'''Det. Murdoch''': Argyle. Sir, what kind of socks are you wearing?
:'''Insp. Brackenreid''': ''[Pulls up his pant leg to reveal argyle socks]'' You should learn to trust your intuition, me ol' mucker!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Insp. Brackenreid''':  Murdoch, I know that you take great personal pride in having just two speeds:  slow and dead slow.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Murdoch and Crabtree are in the station house yard, preparing to undertake an experiment to determine blood spatter by having George shoot a pig’s carcass at close range.]''
:'''Constable Crabtree''' (being buttoned into a dress):  That’s a bit snug in the bosom, Sir.
[…]
:'''Detective Murdoch''':  Away you go.
:'''Constable Crabtree''':  Will there be much spatter, Sir?
:'''Detective Murdoch''':  That’s what we’re here to find out.  Hurry up!  Shoot!  The blood is draining from the pig’s flanks.
:'''Constable Crabtree''' (hesitating):  It’s staring at me, Sir.
:'''Detective Murdoch''':  George, the animal is dead. There’s no spirit left in the body.
:'''Constable Crabtree''' (obviously stalling):  Do pigs have a soul then, Sir?
:'''Detective Murdoch''':  NOW, GEORGE!!

=== ''Elementary, My Dear Murdoch'' [1.4] ===
:'''Dr. Ogden''': And what sort of writer kills off his finest creation?
:'''[[w:Arthur_Conan_Doyle|Sir Arthur Conan Doyle]]''': One which does not want to be shackled to his own creation.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sir Doyle''': Your world may consist of cold logic, detective, but I'm afraid I need something more.
:'''Det. Murdoch''': I do have something more. My faith.
:'''Sir Doyle''': Oh? So you do believe in an afterlife yet you cut yourself off from the possibilities of communicating with it?
:'''Det. Murdoch''': Common sense tells me that if we were indeed able to communicate with the afterlife, we wouldn't require the services of an intermediary.
:'''Sir Doyle''': Yet you make your confessions to a priest. That sort of an intermediary? Where is your common sense in that?
:'''Det. Murdoch''': Confession is about earthly sin, not heavenly imaginings.
:'''Sir Doyle''': Well, last night, when Ms. Pensell that this Liza person may have a message for you, were you not the least bit hopeful?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sir Doyle''': What you are looking at is the future of policing and, dare I say, the future entertainment! Books, theatres, so on and so forth!
:'''Det. Murdoch''': What, forensics? Too dull and gory, I should think.
:'''Sir Doyle''': Quite the opposite. I suspect the public has an endless appetite for this sort of tale.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hubert Winston''': Grief is a private matter, detective. We all have our own methods of coping.

=== '''Til Death Do Us Part'' [1.5] ===
:'''Det. Murdoch''': You notice anything out of the ordinary?
:'''Father Franks''': Nothing that would pertain to-
:'''Det. Murdoch''': Reverend, a man has been killed. Everything is pertinent.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Det. Murdoch''': He was a sodomite?
:'''Dr. Ogden''': William, I believe the term we use now is homosexual.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Recounting his police experience with homosexuals]''
:'''Insp. Brackenreid''': Listen, I've met a few shirt-lifters over the years and they're a dodgy bunch. They combine the cunning vindictiveness of a woman scorned with the male tendency to get the job done.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Ogden''': Really, Murdoch! I'm surprised at your close-mindedness.
:'''Det. Murdoch''': Leaving the Bible aside...
:'''Dr. Ogden''': Yes, could we?
:'''Det. Murdoch''':...it goes against nature.
:'''Dr. Ogden''': Oh, rubbish! Nature is full of omnisexual behavior! Have you never seen male dogs at play?
:'''Det. Murdoch''': But those are dogs.
:'''Dr. Ogden''': We're all animals, William! Behaving as nature intended. If God didn't want us to express our desires, why would He give us desires in the first place?
:'''Det. Murdoch''': To test our resolve.
:'''Dr. Ogden''': At whose expense?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Det. Murdoch''': Father, I find myself questioning the basic tenets of my faith.
:'''Priest''': We all face challenges. Even Jesus did.
:'''Det. Murdoch''': Two men are dead. By all standards, good men. But they are condemned to eternal damnation. How can this be God's will?
:'''Priest''': It's not for us to question the will of the Lord. 
:'''Det. Murdoch''': But that's just it, Father. I don't think I can follow blindly anymore.
:'''Priest''': Your faith must not waver.
:'''Det. Murdoch''': I imagine a world that is more compassionate and enlightened and...
:'''Priest''': Someday it may be. Perhaps not in our lifetimes. In the meanwhile, trust in the guidance of the Lord.

=== ''Let Loose The Dogs'' [1.6] ===
:''[Discussing a case involving Detective Murdoch's estranged father as a suspect]''
:'''Det. Murdoch''': Sir, I simply doubt I can be objective.
:'''Insp. Brackenreid''': Then be professional.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Insp. Brackenreid''': A man and his father might not always see eye to eye on certain matters. But with something as serious as this, you don't want to be left wondering if you should have done something differently.

=== ''Body Double'' [1.7] ===
:'''Insp. Brackenreid''': Murdoch, I'm off to the theatre. Not even you can ruin it.
:'''Det. Murdoch''': Oh, the theatre, sir? Then you'll love the kinethescope! It shows a moving picture of-
:'''Insp. Brackenreid''': Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, I've heard all about this nonsense. We have Shakespeare playing in The Grand and you'd rather watch a man with a head cold sneeze every ten seconds.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Det. Murdoch''': The language is archaic but that's only part of understanding Shakespeare, George.
:'''Cst. Crabtree''': The hard part, I hope.
:'''Det. Murdoch''': It's more about opening your mind to the message in the words.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[When asked to leave a patient unattended for questioning]''
:'''Dentist Murphy''': You'll have to make it quick, plaintiff. Leave 'em alone too long and they run.
:'''Det. Murdoch''': I understand the impulse.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Det. Murdoch''': One person, I could understand. But four people with identical memories? It's almost as if they were...
:'''Insp. Brackenreid''': ...rehearsed.

=== ''Still Waters'' [1.8] ===
:'''Cst. Higgins''': So if we use your new mo-graph thingy...
:'''Det. Murdoch''': ...then we can scientifically measure whether a man is lying.
:'''Insp. Brackenreid''': I've got one of those at home. It's called a wife.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Minerva Fairchild identifies her fianceé's body]''
:'''Det. Murdoch''': She seems to be bearing up quite well.
:'''Dr. Ogden''': When you're a Fairchild, you can never let your emotions show.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Det. Murdoch''': Did any of his teammates have any quarrel with him?
:'''Coach Kane''': As I said earlier, detective. These boys are like family.
:'''Det. Murdoch''': In my experience, conflict can arise even in the closest of families.

=== ''Belly Speaker'' [1.9] ===
=== ''Child's Play'' [1.10] ===
=== ''Bad Medicine'' [1.11] ===
=== ''The Prince and the Rebel'' [1.12] ===
=== ''The Annoying Red Planet'' [1.13] ===

== Cast ==
* [[w:Yannick_Bisson|Yannick Bisson]] - Detective William Henry Murdoch
* [[w:Thomas_Craig_(actor)|Thomas Craig]] - Inspector Thomas Charles Brackenreid
* [[w:Hélène_Joy|Hélène Joy]] - Dr. Julia Ogden
* [[w:Jonny_Harris_(actor)|Jonny Harris]] - George Crabtree
* [[w:Georgina_Reilly|Georgina Reilly]] - Dr. Emily Grace

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia|Murdoch Mysteries}}
* {{official website|http://www.cbc.ca/murdochmysteries/ |name=Official page at CBC Television |format=flash}}
* [http://uktv.co.uk/alibi/homepage/sid/8089 ''Murdoch Mysteries''] at [[Alibi (TV channel)|Alibi]]
* [http://www.ovationtv.com/artful-detective/ ''The Artful Detective''] at [[Ovation (U.S. TV channel)|Ovation]]
* {{IMDb title|1091909|Murdoch Mysteries}}

[[Category:CBC shows]]
[[Category:Canadian crime drama TV shows]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Wolf Hall (miniseries)|Wolf Hall]]''''' (2015) is a British TV serial based on the Hillary Mantell novels ''Wolf Hall'' and ''Bring up the Bodies''.  Set against the backstory of King Henry VIII's annulment of his marriage to Catherine of Aragon and his subsequent- and equally ill-fated- marriage to Anne Boleyn, it depicts the rise to power of Thomas Cromwell, the son of a blacksmith who becomes the King's most trusted and brilliant adviser.

== Season One ==
=== ''Three-Card Trick'' [1.01] ===
''[the Dukes of Norfolk and Suffolk, accompanied by four Royal Guards, enter York Palace and confront Cardinal Wolsey'')
:'''Thomas Howard, Duke of Norfolk''': Wolsey!  You're ''OUT!''
:'''Cardinal Thomas Wolsey''': (''nervous, but putting on a facade of calm'')  My Lords Norfolk and Suffolk.
:'''Charles Brandon, Duke of Suffolk''':  Cardinal Wolsey, you're dismissed as Lord Chancellor, by the King's orders. (''gestures'') And you are to return to us the Great Seal.
:'''Cardinal Thomas Wolsey''':... You will have supper?
:'''Thomas Howard, Duke of Norfolk''': (''leans forward, sneering'')  You wanted it ''all'' to rule, ''yourself'', didn't you?  Make us all come crawling in here like schoolboys for a ''whipping?'' Well, ''I'' am here, now- and I will ''chew you up''. (''A man in a black doublet and hat enters the room from a side door'')  Bones, flesh and ''gristle''.
:'''Charles Brandon, Duke of Suffolk''':  You're to hand over the Great Seal!
''[The black-garbed man moves to the Cardinal's side and whispers in his ear; Wolsey's nervous expression becomes a smirk]''
:'''Cardinal Thomas Wolsey''':... ''Apparently'', a written request from the ''King'' is necessary.  Do you have one? (''Norfolk and Suffolk are stymied'')  No? (''chuckles'') That was careless. (''gestures to the black-garbed man'') My lawyer, Thomas Cromwell. (''Cromwell stares them down'')
:'''Charles Brandon, Duke of Suffolk''': (''incredulous'')  You want us to go back to ''Windsor'' for a piece of ''paper?''  In this weather?! (''Cromwell leans forward and whispers to Wolsey again'')
:'''Cardinal Thomas Wolsey''': (''smiles and nods'') Ahhh, I see!... (''to the Dukes'') ''Actually'', my lawyer tells me I ''can't'' give you the seal, written request or no. (''the Dukes look furious'') He tells me that, properly speaking, I should hand it ''only'' to the Master of the Rolls.  So- you'd better come back with ''him''. (''smirks'')
:'''Thomas Howard, Duke of Norfolk''': (''grits his teeth and smiles coldly'') I'm obliged, Master. (''he and Suffolk storm out, followed by their escort; Wolsey sighs heavily'')
:'''Cardinal Thomas Wolsey''': (''to Cromwell, amused'') Did you ''know'' that, or did you make it up? 
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': (''grimly'') They'll be back, in a day.
:'''Cardinal Thomas Wolsey''': (''wearily'') These days, twenty-four ''hours'' feels like a victory.
-----
''[In a flashback two years before, Cromwell is showing Wolsey how to play three-card monte; Wolsey chuckles when he is defeated by Cromwell]''
:'''Cardinal Thomas Wolsey''':...The King sent for me this morning, ''exceptionally'' early.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':  What did he want?
:'''Cardinal Thomas Wolsey''': (''sighs'') ''Pity''.  A son- the King wants a son.  Eighteen years of marriage, but no heir.  Now, he's decided some ''sin'' must have been committed to cause this ''curse''. (''He guesses a card, and Cromwell beats him again; Wolsey sighs in exasperation'') Where did you learn this?
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': At the docks- a little after I left home.  Earned a ''living'' from it, for a while. (''smiles'') Everyone thought they could beat a ''child''.
:'''Cardinal Thomas Wolsey''': (''looks at him curiously'') What else should I know about you, ''monstrous servant?'' (''drinks'')
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':... Once, in Italy, I held a ''snake'' for a bet.
:'''Cardinal Thomas Wolsey''':  Was it poisonous?
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': We didn't ''know''- that was the ''point'' of the bet. (''Wolsey chuckles admiringly'')  The sin?
:'''Cardinal Thomas Wolsey''':  Oh- yes, the ''sin''. (''sighs, shakes his head'') I remember when they brought the Queen over from Spain, to marry Henry's brother, Prince Arthur.  Sixteen- barely a ''word'' of English.  God, when she danced- her red hair slid over her shoulder... (''he trails off'')
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': (''smiles'') ...God forgive you?
:'''Cardinal Thomas Wolsey''': (''laughs'') God forgive us all.  Then, Arthur dies, Henry decides he'll have his brother's widow for himself.  Catherine declares that she is still a virgin, poor Arthur never having touched her.  Rome issues the dispensation, and any doubts anyone has- (''claps his hands together with finality, sighs'')
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':... But, now?
:'''Cardinal Thomas Wolsey''':  But, ''now'' the Queen can't give the King a ''son''. (''gives Cromwell a direct look'') ''So''... ''Now'', the Queen must ''not'' have been a virgin, after all.  Henry says that he's lived all these years in an ''unlawful'' marriage- hence the sin.  So, it's back to Rome, for an annulment. (''shrugs'') And, she's blaming ''me'', of course- Catherine.  She ''can't'' blame the King, so it's all ''my'' doing.  No matter that I ''begged'' him not to proceed.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':  When she defeated the Scots, I heard she wanted to send the Scottish King's ''head'' in a bag to Henry, to cheer him up. (''sees Wolsey's skeptical look and shrugs'') She's a ''fighter''.
:'''Cardinal Thomas Wolsey''': (''chuckles'') Perhaps you should teach me your three-card trick, hm?  In case we both end up on the streets! (''he and Cromwell both laugh'')
-----
''[Cromwell arrives at his friend Bonvisi's house; among the other dinner guests are Chapuys and Thomas More]''
:'''Bonvisi''': (''in Italian'') &quot;Sit, Thomas.&quot; (''Cromwell sits at the opposite end of the table from More'')  &quot;Sit, eat.&quot;
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': ''Gratzie''. (''he notices that More has fallen silent and is deliberately looking away from him'') If you want to talk about me, Master More, you can speak while I'm here- I have a thick skin.
:'''Thomas More''': (''glances up, shrugs'') No one was talking of you.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': Of the ''Cardinal'', then?
:'''Bonvisi''': (''interrupting'') Thomas, this is Monsieur Chapuys, the Emperor's new Ambassador here in London. (''Chapuys glances at Cromwell'')  Monsieur Chapuys, my friend Thomas Cromwell.
:'''Eustace Chapuys''': (''nods'') Enchanted. (''they load food on their plates, Chapuys leans close to More and speaks in Latin'') &quot;I have heard of this one- no one knows where he comes from.  Like the Wandering Jew.&quot; (''More smiles'')
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': (''sarcastically'') I hardly know where I come from ''myself'' (''Chapuys looks up sharply'')  If you want to speak half-secretly, try ''Greek'', Monsieur Chapuys.
:'''Bonvisi''': (''to More'') My friend, you are looking at your herring as if you hate it.
:'''Thomas More''': ...There's nothing wrong with the herring. (''pause'') But, of Cardinal Wolsey, I will say only this: he has brought his fall on ''himself''.  He has drawn it all on himself- land, money and titles.  He's always had a ''greed'' for ruling over other men-
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': The Cardinal's a public man; would you have him shrink from a public role? (''Chapuys glances between them'')
:'''Thomas More''':  Oh, I think it's a little ''late'' to read the Cardinal a lesson in ''humility''. His ''real'' friends have tried long ago and been ''ignored'' (''smirks slightly'')
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': (''sarcastically'') And ''you'' count yourself a ''real'' friend, do you?  I'll tell him- and by the blood of Christ, Lord Chancellor, he'll find it a consolation as he sits in ''exile'' and wonders why you ''slander'' him to the King.
:'''Bonvisi''': (''trying to stop the argument'') Gentlemen, please-
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': (''angrily'') No, let's have this ''straight''.  Thomas here says, &quot;I'd spend my ''life'' in the Church if I had the choice, I'm ''devoted'' to things of the spirit!  I care nothing for wealth, the worlds' esteem is ''nothing'' to me.&quot; So, how is it I come back to London and find you've become ''Lord Chancellor?'' Lord Chancellor- what's that, a fucking ''accident?!'' (''there is a long, ominous pause, More wipes his lips with a napkin, glaring at Cromwell'')
:'''Thomas More''':... You're no ''friend'' of the Church, Thomas. You're as friend to ''one'' priest only- and he's the most corrupt in Christendom. (''leaves'')
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': (''to Bonvisi'')... You ''must'' give me the recipe for this ''sauce''.
-----
''[in a flashback a year ago, Cromwell's wife Liz and their two daughters have died of illness]''
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': (''To Johane, his sister-in-law'')... Everybody said it was back. This, um... 'sweating sickness'. (''pause'') I should've sent them to the country.
:'''Johanne Williamson''':  Liz wouldn't have let them go. (''puts her hand on his shoulder'') Anne cried, every time you were away.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': Did she?... ''Anne'' did.
:'''Johanne Williamson''': Joan and I can stay a while with you... look after the household.  Until you... (''she trails off, they both stare at the three graves'')
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':...She wanted to learn ''Greek.'' (''Johanne begins to sob quietly'') Hey... (''he embraces her, tears in his eyes'')
-----
''[Cromwell is granted an audience with King Henry, meeting him and his court in the gardens of Hampton Court Palace; he removes his hat and bows until Henry gestures for him to rise]''
:'''Charles Brandon, Duke of Suffolk''': Cromwell- how's your ''fat priest?'' (''the other courtiers laugh, then drift away as Henry approaches to speak with Cromwell'')
:'''King Henry VIII''': (''quietly, to Cromwell'')... How is...?
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':  He cannot be well until he has Your Majesty's favor.
:'''King Henry VIII''':  The list of charges against him grows every day.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':  With respect, Your Majesty, there's an answer to each one- and given a fair hearing, we'd make them-
:'''King Henry VIII''': (''shakes his head'')...Not today.  Suffolk wants to go hunting.  We usually say we're ''gentlemen'', but the hunt prepares us for ''war''.  Which brings us to a ''sticky'' point, Master Cromwell.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': (''smiles uneasily'') Yes, it does indeed. (''pause'')
:'''King Henry VIII''':... You said in Parliament, in a speech some six years ago, that I could not ''afford'' a war-
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':  Wars are not ''affordable'' things.
:'''King Henry VIII''': (''increasingly angry'') When I went into France, I ''captured'' the town of Terreax-Anne, which ''you'' called-
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':  (''firmly'') &quot;A dog-hole&quot;, Majesty?
:'''King Henry VIII''':  ''How'' could you say so?
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':  Ahh, I've ''been'' there?
:'''King Henry VIII''':  So have ''I''- at the head of an ''army!'' ''You'' told me I could not lead my own ''troops''- you told me if I was taken prisoner, the ransom would bankrupt the ''country!''  So, what do you want?!  You want the King of England to ''huddle'' indoors, like a sick girl?!
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': (''bluntly'') That would be ''ideal'', for fiscal purposes. (''Henry is stunned into silence for a moment'') A ''strong'' man acts ''within'', that which constrains him.
:'''King Henry VIII''': (''sharply'') ...What constrains ''me?''
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':  ''Distance''.  When Your Majesty's ancestors fought in France, they held whole ''provinces''.  From there, they could supply, they could provision.  Now, we have only Calais.  How can we support an army in the interior?
:'''King Henry VIII''': (''frowns thoughtfully'') So, next time we go into France... we'll need a seacoast.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':  Of course.  Normandy, Brittany...
:'''King Henry VIII''': (''looks at Cromwell with new interest'')... Master Cromwell, your reputation is ''bad''. (''Cromwell looks away, shrugging slightly'') You don't defend yourself?
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': (''looks him in the eye'') Your Majesty can form your ''own'' opinions.
:'''King Henry VIII''':... I can.  And I will.

=== ''Entirely Beloved'' [1.02] ===
''[Thomas Wriothesley has arrived at Austin Friars looking for employment; he is met by Cromwell and his two wards, Rafe and Richard]''
:'''Thomas Wriothesley''': (''introducing himself, nervously'') &quot;Wriths-ley.&quot;  It's spelled W-R-I-O-T... (''trails off, swallows'') Just... Call-me-Risley.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':  Well, Master Wriothesley, we're always looking for bright young men.  You worked for the Cardinal, I think?
:'''Thomas Wriothesley''':  Yes, sir.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':  But then ''left''- with Stephen Gardiner?
:'''Thomas Wriothesley''': (''nervously'')... I'm his clerk.  But, it... doesn't occupy all of my time, and I'm keen to learn something of ''business.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': (''smiles'') Well, we're ''all'' business here at Austin Friars- aren't we, boys? (''Rafe and Richard smirk at Wriothesley'')
''[Cut to Cromwell, Richard and Rafe watching Wriothesley leave]''
:'''Rlph &quot;Rafe&quot; Sadler''':  You ''know'' Gardiner will have sent him here to spy on us.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':  Well, he seems obliging.  Perhaps we can send him back to spy on ''Gardiner''. 
-----
''[Cromwell and More walk through the gardens around More's home, More carrying a rabit]''
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': You know, the first time we met was when you were a young student.
:'''Thomas More''': Where was this?
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':  Lambeth Palace.  My uncle John was a cook there, and I worked some days in the kitchens.  I served ''you'', once.
:'''Thomas More''':  I don't think so.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':  I remember one evening, we had a football match on, and I heard a recorder playing-
''[they round a corner and see Gardiner waiting for them impatiently, as a young man wearing a plumed hat dances around him'')
:'''Thomas More''':  Ah!  My other guest. (''hands the rabbit to Cromwell'')  Now, you carry on. (''to the young man'') Now, Henry, leave Master Gardiner alone!  You come along to the house- come on, come on. (''takes his arm and leads him away'')  Let's go- let's go to the house.
:'''Stephen Gardiner''': (''irritably, as he follows More alongside Cromwell'') What about Master Wriothesley?
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': And a good evening to you ''too'', Stephen.
:'''Stephen Gardiner''': Remind me- is he working for ''me'' or for ''you?''
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':(''smugly'')  For ''you'', I would have thought.
:'''Stephen Gardiner''':  So why is he always at ''your'' house?
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':  Well, he's not a bound apprentice- he can come and go as he pleases.
:'''Stephen Gardiner''': (''snidely'')  He thinks he'll make his ''fortune'', I suppose- everyone knows ''money'' sticks to your hands.  He wants to know what he can ''learn'' from... ''whatever'' it is you call yourself these days.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':... A person.  The Duke of Norfolk says I'm a person. (''nods to the man More is leading'') Is that his ''fool?''
:'''Stephen Gardiner''':  He's supposed to have fallen off a church roof and landed on his head.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': ''Supposed'' to?
:'''Stephen Gardiner''': (''shrugs'') It'd be just like ''More'' to keep a fool who ''wasn't''- just to embarrass people.
-----
''[Cromwell enters Anne's sitting-room at York Palace, flicking Mark Smeaton in the head as he passes]''
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':  Cheer it up, can't you?
:'''Anne Boleyn''': What did you just do?
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': I ''hit'' Mark Smeaton- only with one finger. (''removes his beret and bows briefly'')
:'''Anne Boleyn''':  Who? Oh- is that his name? (''pause'') Where have you been?
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':  Utopia.
:'''Anne Boleyn''':  Ah.  What was the talk?
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': (''curtly'') The  vices and follies of ''women''.
:'''Anne Boleyn''':  I suppose you joined in? (''she follows his gaze to a bearded priest standing in the shadows'') My chaplain, Dr. Cranmer. (''Cranmer slowly comes forward and bows to Cromwell'') Hiding, because there's no good news.  He's just back from Rome.
''[Cromwell, recognizing Cranmer from a secret Lutheran meeting, bows as well]''
:'''Anne Boleyn''':  ''Cremuel'' here is ''Wolsey's'' man.  My uncle Norfolk describes him as &quot;a useful sort to employ&quot;. (''smirks'')
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':  I'm sure he describes me as ''other'' things, too.
:'''Anne Boleyn''':... I hear Wolsey has letters from ''Catherine''.  Is that true? (''Cromwell shrugs'')  And that Rome will issue a decree telling the King to ''part'' from me.
:'''Thomas Cranmer''': That would be a ''mistake'', on Rome's part-
:'''Anne Boleyn''': Yes, it ''would''.  Because he ''won't'' be told.  What is he?  Some ''child?''
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':... Why did you send for me?
:'''Anne Boleyn''':  I have something to show you. (''holds out her hand to Lady Rochford'')
:'''Jane Rochford''': (''disgusted'') Oh, ''please''- don't give it currency-
:'''Anne Boleyn''': ''Give it!'' (''she takes a paper from Rochford and unfolds it'')  This was found in my bed; the sickly, milk-faced creeper had turned down the sheet.  Of course I can't get any sense out of ''her''- she cries if you look at her sideways.  So, I don't know who put it there. (''she holds it up, Cromwell steps closer'') That's the Queen, Catherine- you see?  And that's me- ''Anne sans tête.'' (''gives Cromwell a tight-lipped, cold smile and folds up the drawing'') I'm told that Wolsey kept you because you knew all the London gossip.  If you find out who's responsible for this... I want you to ''tell'' me. (''she offers him the paper; when Cromwell doesn't take it, she withdraws her arm'')  I have a new motto- did you know? (''in French'') &quot;Never mind who grudges it- this ''will'' happen.&quot; (''pause'') I mean to have him. 
''[she offers the paper again; after a long pause, Cromwell takes it]''
-----
''[Cromwell walks with the King after an archery match]''
:'''King Henry VIII''': Wolsey told me once that you had a ''loathing'' of those in religious life; that's why he found you so ''diligent'' in your inspection of the monasteries.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':  That was not the reason. (''long pause, Henry looks at him questioningly'') May I speak?
:'''King Henry VIII''':  ''God'', I wish ''someone'' would.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':  Well, if you ask me about the monks, I speak from ''experience'', not prejudice.  And my experience has largely been one of... corruption, and waste.  I've seen monks who live like great ''Lords'' on the offerings of the poor; take children in, and, rather than educating them as they promised, using them as servants.  For hundreds of years, the monks have written what we ''take'' to be our history- but I think they've suppressed our true history, and written one that's favorable to ''Rome.''
:'''King Henry VIII''':  ''God'', I could make good use of the money that flows from them to Rome each year.  King Francois is richer than I am, taxes his subjects as he pleases- ''I'' have to call ''Parliament'', or there are ''riots''.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':  Well, sir, with respect, Francois likes ''war'' too much and ''trade'' too little.  There are more taxes to be raised when trade is good, and if taxes are resisted- even by the ''church''- other ways can be found. (''they stop walking'')
:'''King Henry VIII''': (''looks at Cromwell thoughtfully'')... All right. Sit down with my lawyers, to discuss it. (''pause'') ''Begin'' with the monasteries. (''they move indoors to avoid rain, Cromwell helps Henry with his sleeve'')... Some say I should consider my marriage ''dissolved'', and that I should re-marry as I please- and ''soon''. (''sighs'') But, there are others who say-
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': (''gives him a direct look'') ''I'm'' one of the ''others.''
:'''King Henry VIII''': (''grits his teeth'')... Dear ''Christ'', I shall be ''unmanned'' by it.  How long am I supposed to ''wait?!'' (''pause, fearfully'') Anne says she'll leave me.  Says there are other men- says she's wasting her youth. (''Cromwell meets his gaze, then looks away'')
-----
''[George Gavendish, another of Wolsey's friends, describes Wolsey's downfall to Cromwell.  The scenes he describes appear onscreen]''
:'''George Cavendish''': We hadn't finished dinner when they came in.  They had taken keys from the porter- they had already set sentries on the stairs.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':  Who was it?
:'''George Cavendish''': Harry Percy. (''Percy pulls his hood back'')  He was ''shaking''.  I thought, why send ''him?'' Why Harry Percy?  And then, I thought... Lady Anne, remember.  She was just a girl, she wanted to marry him- the Cardinal stopped it.  ''Revenge''.  She waited her time.
''[Percy and his men burst in on Wolsey and Cavendish at their table]''
:'''Cardinal Thomas Wolsey''': (''pretending to act surprised'') Harry!  If I'd known, I would have waited dinner for you.  I fear we've almost finished the fish. (''smirks'') Shall I pray for a miracle?
:'''Henry &quot;Harry&quot; Percy, Earl of Northumberland''': (''shaking with rage'') My Lord, I arrest you for high treason!
:'''Cardinal Thomas Wolsey''': (''pauses, then daubs his mouth with a napkin'') Your warrant?
:'''Henry Percy, Earl of Northumberland''':... There are items in my instructions ''you'' may not see.
:'''Cardinal Thomas Wolsey''':... ''Well''.  If you won't show it, I won't surrender to you.  So... (''smiles'') ''Here's'' a state of affairs!
''[Confused, Percy stares at him;  Wolsey pushes back his chair and stands]''
:'''Cardinal Thomas Wolsey''': Come, George. ''[he leaves the room, followed by Cavendish; after a few moments, Percy and his men come after them.  Cavendish slams a door in their faces, but Wolsey gestures for him to open it.]''
:'''Cardinal Thomas Wolsey''': Look at me, George. (''Cavendish does so'') I'm not afraid of any man alive.
:'''George Cavendish''': (''in tears'') They took us from the house and rode south.  There were crowds waiting to see him- holding candles.  We thought they'd disperse, but they just... stood all night in the road. (''Cromwell looks away sadly, picking up the little box Wolsey gave him'')  He stopped eating.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':... Why?
:'''George Cavendish''':  I don't know.  Some said he- some said, he wanted to destroy himself.  It all happened so ''fast''... and then, ''Kingston'' came.   (''pause'')  I had to tell him, Thomas.  I had to tell our Lord that the Constable of the ''Tower'' had come to fetch him.  (''pause'') He just kept saying, &quot;William Kingston?&quot; over and over, as if he couldn't believe it. (''sighs'') By the time we reached Leicester... he was too ill to stand.  He voided black blood... I thought, ''poison''...
:'''Cardinal Thomas Wolsey''': (''weakly, on his deathbed'')... Thomas...
:'''George Cavendish''': (''grasping Wolsey's hand reassuringly'') He's coming, my Lord.
:'''Cardinal Thomas Wolsey''':... Where... where is he?...
:'''George Cavendish''': You know Cromwell, my Lord.  If he says he'll come, he'll be here.
''[Wolsey continues to weaken; Cavendish calls over a priest for last rights]''
:'''George Cavendish''':... I'm sorry, Thomas.  He died the next day.  They- they gave him a coffin of ''plain'' boards... And the city officials came to ''view'' his body, so there wouldn't be any false rumors that he'd escaped to France. (''Cromwell stares out the window, Cavendish begins to sob'')  They- they made ''jokes''.  They made jokes about his ''low birth''.
''[A play is shown at court, depicting Wolsey being dragged to Hell by four demons]''
:'''1st Demon''': Come, Wolsey!  We are fetching you to Hell, where our Master Beelzebub is expecting you for ''supper!''
:'''2nd Demon''': Beelzebub would have you joint his ''venison''- he's heard of your skill as a ''butcher!''
''[As the actors playing the demons remove their masks, Cromwell- watching angrily from the shadows- memorizes their faces.  Cromwell is then shown being sworn in to the Privy Council by Thomas More]''
:'''Thomas More''': &quot;I swear to be a true and loyal counselor to the King's Majesty, as one of His Highness' Privy Council.&quot;
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':  I swear to be a true and loyal counselor to the King's Majesty, as one of His Highness' Privy Council.
:'''Thomas More''':  &quot;I shall not know, or understand, any manner of thing to be attempted, done or spoken against His Majesty's person.&quot;
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':  I shall not know, or understand, any manner of thing to be attempted, done or spoken against His Majesty's person.
:'''Thomas More''':  &quot;I swear to uphold the King's authorities, I swear to uphold the King's jurisdictions.&quot;
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':  I swear to uphold the King's authorities, I swear to uphold the King's jurisdictions.
:'''Thomas More''': &quot;I swear to uphold the King's heirs, and lawful successors.&quot;
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':  I swear to uphold the King's heirs, and lawful successors...
''[In the present, Cromwell opens the box that Wolsey left him to reveal the jade ring that the Cardinal always wore]''
:'''George Cavendish''': (''sobbing'') I knelt by his body, and I wept.  And I prayed to God to send ''vengeance'' upon them ''all!''
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': (''turns around, a grim look on his face'')... There's no need to trouble ''God'', George. (''he puts on Wolsey's ring'')  ''I'll'' take it in hand.

=== ''Anna Regina'' [1.03] ===
''[Cromwell meets with Queen Catherine of Aragon and her daughter Mary; he notices that Mary is extremely pale and unsteady]''
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': Madam, your daughter should sit.
:'''Mary Tudor''': (''to her mother, in Spanish'') My &quot;woman's disorder&quot;-
:'''Catherine of Aragon''': (''firmly'') ''Stand up straight''. (''nods at Cromwell'') This is Master Cromwell- he used to be a ''moneylender''.  Now, he writes all the laws.  I have heard all about your new bill.  You think the ''King'' can describe himself as the Head of the Church?
:'''Mary Tudor''': The ''Pope'' is the Head of the Church, ''everywhere''.  The ''lawfulness'' of all government flows from the- the- 
''[she sways, overcome, but Cromwell quickly crosses the room, grabs a chair, and places it beside her]''
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': (''gently'') Will you not sit, Princess Mary? (''Mary slowly sits'') It's just the heat. (''adresses Catherine'') But, I beg you, Madam, to consider it in this way: the King has merely ''defined'' a ''position'', which ancient precedents-
:'''Catherine of Aragon''': (''scornfully'') ''Ancient precedents?''  Precedents you've ''invented'', these past three months!
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': As for ''induced'', Your Highness knows the King ''cannot'' be lead.
:'''Catherine of Aragon''':  But he ''can'' be ''enticed''. (''sadly'') He has ridden off without saying goodbye.  He has never done that before- never.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':... Well, I think he means to hunt out of Chertsey, for a few days.
:'''Mary Tudor''': With the ''woman''. (''contemptuously'') The ''person''.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': Your Highness will be going to another palace.  He has chosen the Moore, in Hartfordshire, which as you know is very comfortable-
:'''Mary Tudor''': It was one of your ''Cardinal's'' houses, wasn't it? (''smirks'') So it's ''bound'' to be ''lavish''.
:'''Catherine of Aragon''':...I expected this.  But, I did not expect he would send a man like ''you'' to tell me.
-----
:'''Anne Boleyn''': (''angrily, as she and Cromwell walk through the gardens'')  Last week at Greenwich, a friar preached to us- about the ''good King'' who was corrupted by the ''wicked Jezebel''.  ''Apparently'', she built a Pagan temple and let the priests of ''Baal'' into the palace. (''pause'') She ended up being thrown out of a ''window''. (''pause, glances at Cromwell'') ''I'm'' the Jezebel- you see? And ''you're'' the priests of Baal.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': (''nods'') ...I see. (''long pause'') More's arrested a barrister- James Bainham.
:'''Anne Boleyn''':...And what do you expect ''me'' to do about it?
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':  Talk to the King. (''Anne glances away'') You know how to ''please'' him, I suppose?
:'''Anne Boleyn''': (''chuckles scornfully'') My ''maidenhead'', for your ''lawyer?'' (''pause, glances at Cromwell again'') He'll be released.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': Well, Bill Pillney ''wasn't''.  They ''burnt'' him, at Norwich.
:'''Anne Boleyn''': (''looks him in the eye, firmly'') Your ''barrister'' friend will ''recant'', and he'll be ''released''.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':  And if he doesn't.
:'''Anne Boleyn''': (''frowns'') Then he's a ''fool''.  People should say ''whatever'' will keep them ''alive''. (''pause, smiles slightly'') ''You'' would, wouldn't you? (''glances at a package of blue silk in Cromwell's hand'') What's that?
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': (''glances at it'')... Er, it's a gift for one of your women.  The little girl who always cries. (''Anne laughs'') What?
:'''Anne Boleyn''': (''looks at him in surprise'')  Didn't you hear?
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': No, what?
:'''Anne Boleyn''': Her ''father'', dear old Sir John Seymour- he was caught in the hayloft with his son Edward's ''wife!'' (''Cromwell looks startled, Anne laughs'')  It seems he's had her every ''week'' for the last two ''years!''  Edward's put the wife in a nunnery, and I don't think we'll see dear old Sir John at Court soon!
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':  And the ''daughter''- Jane, is it?
:'''Anne Boleyn''':  Mm- pasty face.  Gone to Wiltshire. (''pause'') It's ''her'' best bet to get into a nunnery, too- no one will want to marry the milksop ''now''. (''takes the package from Cromwell and examines it'') So, what is it?
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': Ah, it's only- er- a book of needlework patterns. (''Anne stops, staring at him curiously'')
:'''Anne Boleyn''':... You don't ''like'' her, do you?  Because I'm not sure it's ''proper'' for you to send her a ''present''.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': (''chuckles, gestures to the package'') Well, it's not like it's ''Tales from Boccaccio''.
:'''Anne Boleyn''': (''laughs'') Oh,they could tell ''Boccaccio'' a tale! (''starts to walk away'') Those ''sinners'' at Wolf Hall!
-----
''[Cromwell, having been sent by Norfolk and the Boleyns to cow Henry Percy, finds him at a cluttered inn.  He briefly recalls the role Percy played in Wolsey's downfall.]''
:'''Onlooker''': Looking for a woman? (''ignoring him, Cromwell shoves aside Percy's bodyguard and enters the room where Percy is sitting; he removes his hat and briefly bows'')
:'''Henry &quot;Harry&quot; Percy, Earl of Northumberland''': (''bored'') Oh, God- yes, I thought ''you'd'' come. (''Cromwell closes the window to the adjacent room'')
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': (''to a servant'')  Hey- ''out''. (''the servant leaves'')
:'''Harry Percy, Earl of Northumberland''':  Well, you're wasting your time- I ''was'' pledged to Anne. (''picks up his cup and drinks'')  She allowed me such freedom with herself as only a ''betrothed'' woman ''would'' allow. (''refills his cup'') The Cardinal ''bullied'' me out of saying anything last time- but I'm not afraid to speak the truth, now.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':  (''sits opposite him'') Good.  My Lord, you've said what ''you'' have to say- ''now'', listen to me.  You're a man whose money is almost ''spent''. I'm a man who knows ''how'' you've spent it.  You're a man who's ''borrowed'' all over Europe; ''I'm'' a man who knows your creditors.  ''One word'' from me, and ''all'' your debts will be called in-
:'''Henry Percy, Earl of Northumberland''': (''dismissively'') And what are ''they'' gonna do?  Bankers don't have ''armies''.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':  Neither will ''you'', without any money. (''pause'') My Lord, you hold your Earldom from the ''King''.  Your task is to secure the North, to ''defend'' us against Scotland; if you cannot ensure these things, the King will ''take'' your land ''and'' your titles and ''give'' them to somebody who will ''do'' the job ''you'' cannot do.
:'''Henry Percy, Earl of Northumberland''': (''petulantly'') No, he won't- he respects ''all'' ancient titles.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': (''smirks scornfully'')  How can I explain this to you? (''pause'') The world is ''not'' run, from where you think it is- from border fortresses, even from ''Whitehall.''  The world is run from ''Antwerp'', from ''Florence'', from ''Lisbon''.  From wherever the ''merchant'' ships set sail off into the west.  Not from castle walls- from ''counting-houses.''  From the ''pens'' that scrape out your promissory-notes.  So, believe me when I say, that my banker friends and I will ''rip your life apart.'' (''Percy glances at him, looking sullen but increasingly uneasy'') And then, when you are without money and title, yes- I can picture you.  Living in a ''hovel'', wearing ''homespun'', bringing home a ''rabbit'' for the pot. (''smirks'') Your ''lawful'' wife, Anne Boleyn, ''skinning'' and ''jointing'' that rabbit!  ''Yes'', I wish you all ''happiness''. (''Meets Percy's eye, coldly'') You were ''never'' precontracted.  Any ''understanding'' you think you had- (''shakes his head'') You ''didn't'' have it.  And, if you think Lady Anne loves you, well, you couldn't be more mistaken.  I've just come from her.  She ''hates'' you.  She ''despises'' you.  She wants you gone. (''pause, Percy looks stunned'') So- if you say ''one more word'' about Lady Anne's &quot;freedom&quot; with you, I will come and drag you out of whatever ''hole'' you're cowering in, and the Duke of Norfolk will bite your ''bollocks'' off.  I do hope that's ''clear'', my Lord.
-----
:'''Anne Boleyn''': (''indicating Thomas More, talking with Henry and Norfolk outside'') There he is.  My uncle and I worked for his removal for months- and now he ''resigns'', over this bill.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': (''sighs'') His great ''protest''.  England's just a ''stage'', to him.
:'''Anne Boleyn''':  Who should replace him?
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':  Put it in the King's mind to appoint Audley.  He's a good man- and he understands me, I think.
:'''Anne Boleyn''': (''raises her eyebrows'') To think that someone ''does!'' (''She and Cromwell both smile'') ''Cranmer'' as Archbishop, ''Audley'' as Lord Chancellor... soon, ''you'll'' have friends everywhere! (''pause'') And for yourself? (''Cromwell frowns, thinking; Anne looks away'') I thought perhaps Keeper of the Jewel-House. (''glances back down at More'') Where's the chain of office?  He's supposed to hand it over.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': (''comes to the window and looks closer'') In the bag. (''outside, More offers the bag to Henry, who reluctantly takes it'')
:'''Anne Boleyn''': (''glances at Cromwell, surprised'') So, that's it?  More is out? (''glances away, smiles'') Shall we go down? (''Cromwell meets her eye, then they both start to chuckle'')
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':  You- you can't resist it.
:'''Anne Boleyn''':  No more can ''you!'' 
''[she takes Cromwell's hand and allows him to lead her outside;  More bows to Anne and they bow to the King, then Henry leads Anne and Norfolk away, leaving Cromwell with More.]''
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':... What will you do now?
:'''Thomas More''':... Write.  Pray.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':  My recommendation: write only a little, and pray a ''lot''.
:'''Thomas More''': (''smirks'')  Now, is that a ''threat?''
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':  My turn, don't you think? (''follows the royal party'')

=== ''The Devil's Spit'' [1.04] ===

=== ''Crows'' [1.05] ===

=== ''Master of Phantoms'' [1.06] ===
''[Anne, doting on her young daughter Elizabeth, tries to get Henry engaged in their game; completely indifferent, Henry picks his teeth for a moment then walks out without looking at her.  Cromwell moves to follow him]''
:'''Anne Boleyn''': ''Cremuel''. (''Cromwell stops; Anne hands Elizabeth to her nurse, who carries her out'')  I am told... that, when you thought that the King was dead, your ''first'' thought was to send for the bastard ''Mary.'' (''gives him a cold, tight-lipped smile'') You did not think of ''me'', or my ''daughter''- or, the child I was carrying then.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':  I cannot hold the Throne... for an ''infant'' in the cradle.  I cannot hold the Throne for an ''unborn'' baby. (''Anne glares at him'')
:'''Anne Boleyn''': I ''promoted'' you.  ''I'' am responsible for your rise.  And at the ''first'' opportunity, you've ''betrayed'' me.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':...Madam, ''nothing'' here is personal.
:'''Anne Boleyn''': (''contemptuously'')  You think you've grown ''great''.  You ''think'' you no longer need me, but you've forgotten the most ''important'' thing, ''Cremuel'': those who've been ''made'', can be ''unmade''.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': (''coolly'') ...I ''entirely'' agree. (''bows his head to her and walks out'')
-----
:'''Nicholas Carew''': (''as he dines with Cromwell'') We want the ''concubine'' ousted.  We know ''you'' want it, too.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': &quot;We?&quot;
:'''Nicholas Carew''': Oh, my friends in this matter are ''very'' near the Throne.  Those in the line of old King Edward; Lord Exeter, the Courtenay family, Lord Montague, his brother Geoffrey Pole, Lady Margaret Pole... these are the ''principal'' persons on whose behalf I speak, but... as you are aware, the most part of ''England'' would ''rejoice'' to see the King ''free'' of her.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': I don't think the most part of England knows or ''cares''. (''pause'') What do you require of me?
:'''Nicholas Carew''': (''stares at him'') We ''require''... that you join us.  We're content to have Seymour's girl crowned- she's known to favor ''true'' religion, and we believe she will bring Henry back to Rome. (''pause'') And ''this'' is our difficulty, Cromwell- we know you're a ''Lutheran''.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':  Me?  No, sir. I'm... I'm a ''banker''. (''Carew chuckles'') What will happen to... Anne Boleyn?
:'''Nicholas Carew''': (''pause, shrugs'') Don't know... convent?
-----
:'''William Brereton''': What's to do here?
:'''Jane Rochford''': Everyone's been ''fighting''- and all because of that boy, Mark.  (''looks insolently at Anne'') ''I'' think he should be dropped from a great height- just like your ''dog'', Percois.
''[Anne stares at her for a moment, then rises from her chair, walks over, and slaps her hard across the face]''
:'''Jane Rochford''': Do that again, and I will hit you ''back''.  You're no ''Queen'', you're just a knight's daughter- and your ''time'' has come. (''the two women glare at each other, both seething'')
:'''Anne Boleyn''':  Harry?  Do me a good turn- take away my brother's wife and ''drown'' her.
:'''Henry Norris''':  ''Anne''-
:'''Anne Boleyn''': ''What?''  Didn't you swear you'd walk barefoot to ''China'' for me?
:'''Henry Norris''': I think it was barefoot to ''Walsingham'', I offered.
:'''Anne Boleyn''': (''looks at him with disbelief and contempt'') Perhaps you can repent your ''sins'' there!  Because, if anything were to happen to the ''King'', you'd look to ''have'' me! (''doesn't notice Rochford still staring at her'') Oh yes, you see now, Mary, why he hasn't married ''you'' yet.  It's because he's in love with ''me''- or so he claims.  And yet, he ''won't'' prove it, by putting Lady Rochford in a ''sack'' and ''dropping'' her in the river!
:'''Henry Norris''':... Will you spill ''all'' your secrets, Anne?  Or only ''some?'' (''storms out, Anne suddenly look worried'')
-----
''[having arrested four men on charges of &quot;adultery&quot; with Anne Boleyn, Cromwell visits them each in the Tower]''
:'''George Boleyn''':  I know why I'm here: my wife. (''Cromwell shrugs'') What has she said?  Well, whatever it is, you can't hold me on the word of one woman.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':  Well, there have been ''other'' women who have been... recipients of your ''gallantry'', George.  You've always regarded women as ''disposable''.
:'''George Boleyn''': (''smirks'') What- you're going to put me on trial for ''gallantry?''  You know, I didn't know it was a ''crime'' to spend time with a winning lover.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': It is if that lover is your ''sister''. (''George turns around, shocked.  Shift to a different cell, with Cromwell talking to Norris'')
:'''Henry Norris''': My family have served the King of England for ''generations''. I have been at the side of Henry since I was a boy.  I'm ''nothing'' like her brother, I would never forget my honor!  Never!
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':  You want me to write it on the wall for you, Norris?  She can't give him a son, he wants another wife, she won't go ''quietly''.  Is that ''simple'' enough for your simple tastes?  She has to be ''pushed''; ''I'' have to push her.
:'''Henry Norris''': ...Well, you'll get no confession from ''me''.  Or Brereton, either. (''pause, arrogantly'') You cannot torture ''gentlemen''- the King would not permit it.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': (''steps forward'')  Well, they don't have to be ''formal'' arrangements. (''suddenly grabs Norris' face'') I could put my ''thumbs'' in your ''eyes'', and you would sing &quot;Green Grows the Holly&quot; if I asked you to.  Hmm? (''releases him.  Cut to Brereton's cell'')  Let's go back.  I remember, in the late Cardinal's time, one of your household killed a man in a ball's match.  
:'''William Brereton''': (''shrugs, refusing to look at Cromwell'') Well, the game can get very ''heated''.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':  The Cardinal thought it was time for a ''reckoning''- but, your family impeded the investigation, and I asked myself, &quot;Has anything changed since then?&quot;  Jon of Eton had a quarrel with your household only recently-
:'''William Brereton''':  (''sneers dismissively'') So ''that's'' why I'm here.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':  Not ''entirely''- but leave aside your ''adultery'' with the Queen (''Brereton looks at him sharply'') and let's concentrate on Eton.  Blows were exchanged, a man was ''killed''.  Eton was tried- and ''acquitted''.  But ''you'', because you have ''no'' respect for the law-
:'''William Brereton''': I have ''every'' respect-
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': (''furious'') ''DON'T interrupt me!''  You had the man ''abducted'' and ''hanged!''  You think because it was only ''one'' man, it doesn't matter.  You think no one will remember, but ''I'' remember.  You think you can do ''anything'' because ''Norfolk'' favors you-
:'''William Brereton''': The ''King'' favors me.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': (''smirks'') Does he- ''does'' he?  Well, you should complain about your ''lodgings'', then.  ''Shouldn't'' you? (''cut to George Boleyn'')  Francis Bryan has been explaining it to me.
:'''George Boleyn''': ''Bryan?'' Bryan is an enemy of mine-
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': I begin to see it- how a man may hardly ''know'' his sister.  She grows up in France- they meet as adults.  She's like him, and yet not, she's familiar... and then she ''piques'' his interest.  One day, his ''brotherly'' embrace lasts a little longer than usual... and business proceeds from there.  Perhaps neither of you felt you were doing anything wrong- until some ''frontier'' was crossed.
:'''George Boleyn''': (''shakes his head and smirks, turning away'') I refuse to answer this.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': Did it begin ''before'' her marriage to the King- or afterwards? (''cut to Norris'') Brother George?  ''That'' must have been a surprise- rivalry from ''that'' quarter.  Though, the morality of you...''gentlemen'' astonishes me.
:'''Henry Norris''':...I have no opinion on George.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': (''feigns surprise'') ''No'' opinion of ''incest?''  You take it so quietly I'm afraid it must be ''true''.
:'''Henry Norris''': (''shrugs impatiently'') If I said it was, you'd only accuse me of trying to divert attention away from myself.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': (''chuckles'') You've known me too long, Harry.
:'''Henry Norris''': (''contemptuously'') Oh, I've ''studied'' you.  Studied ''Wolsey'' before you.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': That was politic of you- such a great servant of the State.
:'''Henry Norris''': (''smirks'') And such a great ''traitor'' at the end.
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': (''stalking around him, coldly'') ''I'' remember a certain ''entertainment'' at court- do you remember?  A play... in which the late Cardinal was set upon by ''demons'', and dragged down into Hell.
:'''Henry Norris''': (''incredulous'') ...''That's'' why?  It- it was was a ''play!''  It was a joke!  You can't- you can't seriously-
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': Life pays you out- don't you find?
:'''Henry Norris''': ... But, Mark Smeaton... what has ''he'' done to you?
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': (''shrugs, unconvincingly'') I just... don't like the way he ''looks'' at me. (''stares Norris down'') I need ''guilty'' men, Harry.  So I ''found'' men who ''are'' guilty... though not necessarily as ''charged''. (''Cut to Weston's cell as Cromwell enters'')
:'''Francis Weston''': Good morning. (''Cromwell stares at him impassively'') I'm not long married- I don't know if you know that.  I have a son, Henry-
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':  You have debts to the tune of a thousand pounds.
:'''Francis Weston''':... Why the devil bring that up?
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':  No one expects a young gallant like yourself to be ''thrifty''... but these debts are more than you can reasonably pay.  So, your own extravagance gives people reason to think, &quot;What expectations does young Weston have?&quot; (''Weston frowns'') We know the Queen gave you money- and a thousand pounds is nothing to you, if you hoped to ''marry'' her after you'd contrived the King's ''death''. (''Weston remembers his foolish words to Anne and looks horrified'')
:'''Francis Weston''':... I see how, in that way, when it's given as evidence... I've undone myself. (''pause'') I don't blame you, Cromwell.  It's just...I thought I had another twenty years. (''bends his head and begins weeping quietly'')
:'''Thomas Cromwell''':...Well, we know not the hour, do we, Francis? (''puts a comforting hand on Weston's shoulder'')
-----
''[Anne mounts the scaffold at her execution; Cromwell, his son Gregory and Francis Bryan watch from the crowd]''
:'''Anne Boleyn''': (''faintly, to the crowd'') Good Christian people, I am come hither to die.  For according to the law, and by the law, I am judged to die...
:'''Francis Bryan''': (''smirks, to Cromwell'') I can't hear her- you'd think she'd speak up for her last words, eh? (''Gregory glares at him'')
:'''Anne Boleyn''': I am come hither to accuse no man, nor to speak anything of that role by which I am accused and condemned to die.  But, I pray God save the King, and send him long to reign over you.  For a gentler, nor more merciful prince was there never- and to me was he ever a gentle, a good and a sovereign Lord.  And, if any person will meddle of my cause... I require them to judge best. (''Cromwell puts his hand on Gregory's arm'') And thus I take my leave of the world- and of you all, and I heartily desire you all to pray for me.  The Lord have mercy on my soul, to God I commend my soul. 
''[she kneels, and her tearful ladies remove her headdress, replace it with a white cap and blindfold her; she begins to cry quietly, whispering rapid prayers.  The executioner removes his shoes and reveals his broadsword, to which the crowd gasps; Anne hears their reaction and tenses fearfully.  A lock of her hair comes loose, and she shakily reaches up to fix it]''
:'''Thomas Cromwell''': (''quietly'') Put your arm down- ''put your arm down''. (''she finally does so; the barefoot executioner moves silently to her left'')
:'''Executioner''': (''in French'') Bring me the sword! 
''[Anne gasps and turns her head left; the executioner immediately moves to her right, raises the sword, and swings; the crowd gasps as the deed is done.  An undertaker steps forward, but one of Anne's ladies blocks his way]''
:'''Handmaiden''': (''sharply'') We do ''not'' want men handling her.
:'''Francis Bryan''': (''smirks'') It's a little late for ''that'', eh? (''Cromwell glares at him'') Right- I'm off to tell the Seymours it's done.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Mark Rylance|Mark Rylance]] - Thomas Cromwell
* [[w:Damian Lewis|Damian Lewis]] - King Henry VIII
* [[w:Claire Foy|Claire Foy]] - Anne Boleyn
* [[w:Bernard Hill|Bernard Hill]] - Thomas Howard, Duke of Norfolk
* [[w:Anton Lesser|Anton Lesser]] - Thomas More
* [[w:Mark Gatiss|Mark Gatiss]] - Stephen Gardiner
* [[w:Jonathan Pryce|Jonathan Pryce]] - Cardinal Thomas Wolsey
* [[w:Kate Phillips|Kate Phillips]] - Jane Seymour 
* [[w:Thomas Brodie-Sangster|Thomas Brodie-Sangster]] - Ralph Sadler
* [[w:Mathieu Amalric|Mathieu Amalric]] - Eustace Chapuys
* [[w:Joanne Whalley|Joanne Whalley]] - Catherine of Aragon
* [[w:Tom Holland|Tom Holland]] - Gregory Cromwell

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} &lt;!-- optional --&gt;
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    <title>That '70s Show (season 3)</title>
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      <comment>/* Eric's Panties [3.6] */</comment>
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:'''Season''' [[That '70s Show (season 1)|1]] [[That '70s Show (season 2)|2]] [[That '70s Show (season 3)|3]] [[That '70s Show (season 4)|4]] [[That '70s Show (season 5)|5]] [[That '70s Show (season 6)|6]] [[That '70s Show (season 7)|7]] [[That '70s Show  (season 8)|8]] | [[That '70s Show|'''Main''']]
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'''''[[w:That '70s Show|That '70s Show]]''''' (1998–2006) is an American television sitcom centered on the lives of a group of teenagers living in the fictional town of Point Place, Wisconsin during the late 1970s.

=== ''Reefer Madness'' [3.1] ===
:'''Red:''' ''[After finding out about Hyde being on probation]'' Probation? Well, isn't ''that'' just ducky? You know how Russia treats their criminals? First offense, five years in Siberia! Second offense, ten years! Believe you me, there is no third offense!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Flashback]''
:'''Young Eric''': I am so baked! I think. No, yeah I am...I think.
:'''Young Kelso''': You know guys, I've been living my life all wrong. All I ever thought about was school. Studying, reading, homework...well, that's over! Thanks, Hyde.
:'''Young Hyde''': Hey, man, don't thank me. Thank my mom. If she hadn't have passed out, I couldn't have raided her stash.
:'''Young Kelso''': You have the best mom ever!
:'''Young Eric''': Hey guys, you know what? Yesterday, I was wrestling with Donna, and I felt her boob! It was beautiful...and squishy.
:'''Young Kelso''': Squishy. Hey guys! I had this dream that I was kissing my English teacher. And when I woke up, I was stuck to my bed. ''[chuckles]''
:'''Young Hyde''': Kelso, man, that's not normal. You could die. ...Hey, isn't your English teacher a guy?
:'''Young Kelso''': Yeah. ...No, I meant my Spanish teacher. She's a girl. Man, what's in this stuff?
:'''Young Eric''': Hey guys. I'm having the best time ever. I think. No, yeah I am.

=== ''Red Sees Red'' [3.2] ===
:''[while family is watching [[w:The Brady Bunch|The Brady Bunch]]]'' 
:'''Eric''': Yeah, I love the Bradys. Oh, remember that episode where Mr. Brady went completely insane and put bells on all the doors?
:'''Red''': Hey, did you see the one where Greg was a real wise ass and Mr. Brady took him outside and cleaned his clock?
:'''Laurie''': Did you ever see the one where I hated living here?
:'''Hyde''': That's my favorite.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eric and Hyde''': ''[to Shirley Jones]'' Hi, Mom!
:'''Kitty:''' Mom?
:'''Shirley Jones''': That's right, Kitty.
:'''Eric''': We’re [[w:Patridge Family|Partridges]] now!
:'''Hyde''': This is gonna be great! I’m pretty sure I can nail Susan Dey!
:'''Kitty''': No! Partridges? You can’t live in a bus! There’s no toilet!

=== ''Hyde's Father'' [3.3] ===
:''[The guys enter a bar]''
:'''Eric''': All right. They didn't even check our fake IDs.
:'''Fez''': And I wasted a whole day thinking up my fake name.
:'''Hyde''': Yeah. Sorry, &quot;Pez.&quot; Let's drink.
:'''Bud''': So, fellas, school let out early?
:'''Kelso''': Yeah. We're just....
:'''Eric''': Kelso, shut up!
:'''Kelso''': Uh, I mean, no. No, we're old. We're workers. We're all construction workers. Hey, fellas, did you see that brick today? Whoo!
:'''Bud''': Relax, guys. It's &quot;Serve a Minor Night&quot; at the old &quot;Don't Have a Liquor License&quot; Saloon ''[to Hyde]'' You look familiar. Do I know you?
:'''Hyde''': I should hope so...Dad. ''[Kelso, Eric, and Fez are aghast]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Eric and Donna are making out in his bed, but Donna discovers an issue of PlayPen on the floor]''
:'''Donna''': You keep a stack of dirty magazines under your bed? ''[gets up to look under his bed]''
:'''Eric''': What? No! God, not a stack. You know, what is a &quot;stack&quot; really?
:'''Donna''': Why do you have these down here?
:'''Eric''': Now, wait, Donna...downstairs you were laughing and cracking jokes about this stuff.
:'''Donna''': Eric, that was in the basement...with our idiotic friends. Why do you need them? Aren't I enough? ''[throws the magazines at him]''
:'''Eric''': No-Yeah, you're enough. God, you're...you're plenty. It's just, uh, that, uh... you see, Donna, you see, what I do with dirty magazines... is... really only interesting to me.... with the reading of the articles and the solving of the puzzles and whatnot.
:'''Donna''': You know what? I don't wanna know bout the whatnot. I'm outta here ''[leaves room]''
:'''Eric''': ''[to magazines]'' Oh, no, girls. She's onto us.

=== ''Too Old to Trick or Treat, Too Young to Die'' [3.4] ===
:''[The gang think of ways on how to spend their Halloween. Kelso has an idea.]''
:'''Kelso''': You know what would be fun? If we were in an Alfred Hitchcock movie right now, and we didn’t know it. And then, someone one told us and we were all like, “Oh man! I’m in a movie!&quot; ''[Hyde, Kelso, Donna, Eric, Jackie, and Fez individually give surprised looks to the camera]'' 
:'''Donna''': Yeah, ok, I’m out of here.
:'''Eric''': Wait, but I thought we-
:'''Donna''': GET BENT!
:'''Eric''': Ok, I’ll do that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[A man goes up to a dark room in the Formans' house, where Fez is. He tries to scare off the man using a camera's flash, but Hyde opens the light. The mysterious man is actually Bob.]''
:'''Fez''': You can’t kill me like you killed Midge, you big doofy!
:'''Bob''': Kill Midge? I didn’t kill Midge. She’s in Chicago visiting her sister.
:'''Fez''': Oh, really. Then what was in the heavy garbage sacks?
:'''Bob''': Garbage, you idiot.
:'''Hyde''': Oh, well I guess that explains the giant knife, the guts all over your apron. Oh, wait, no it doesn’t!
:'''Fez''': Explain that, killer!
:'''Bob''': They were pumpkin guts. I was making Jack-o’-lanterns. 
:'''Fez''': So, you’re hiding Midge’s body in a jack-o’-lantern. Clever plan.
:'''Bob''': ''[walks over to the window]'' Look, there’s Midge now. Not dead or nothing. ''[Fez sees Midge getting undressed]''
:'''Fez''': Oh goody! You can go now.
:'''Bob''': Midgey! No! Cover yourself!

=== ''Roller Disco'' [3.5] ===
:''[Fez and Jackie await the results of the Roller Disco competition with Donna and Kelso, who is not pleased]''
:'''Announcer''': And the winner of Kenosha's Annual Roller Disco Doo-dah is...Jackie Burkhart and...
:'''Donna and Jackie''': Oh, my God! ''[Jackie hugs Fez]''
:'''Announcer''': Friend.
:'''Kelso''': Fix! Fix!
:'''Jackie''': I can't believe it! I'm so sorry I doubted you. You...You are my hero...My...my hunky, sexy, foreign skating hero!
:'''Fez''': And you are my...my spoiled, whiny skating princess.
:'''Jackie''': Oh, Fez, thank you! ''[a tournament assistant gives them champagne]'' Yaaaay, champagne! Yaaay!
:'''Kelso''': Yaaaay! Yaaay! ''[rubs Jackie's back]''
:'''Jackie''': ''[Shakes off Kelso]'' Get off me. Kelso, you booed us the entire time.
:'''Kelso''': What? No! That was some rude guy. So I popped him one, and then I was goin', &quot;Ooh,&quot; because I hurt my hand when I popped the rude guy. So... you're welcome. You wanna kiss it?
:'''Jackie''': Let's go, Fez ''[they leave]''
:'''Donna''': Hmm. Come on, Kelso. Look at the bright side.
:'''Kelso''': What's the bright side?
:'''Donna''': The bright side is there isn't one. Fez has Jackie, and you have to squeeze out that marble.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Red and Eric are summoned to testify about Earl's wrongful termination suit against Red]''
:'''Eric''': I guess &quot;violent&quot; is the wrong word... but, you know, it's definitely some kind of rage. Although, I mean, you know, Earl had it coming. I love you, Daddy.
:'''Earl''': ''[enters room panting]'' Oh, hey. Sorry I'm late.
:'''Mediator''': Hour and 10 minutes late. I can only assume you're Earl.
:'''Earl''': Yeah. So, um, sorry. My, uh, dog got hit by a...a guy in a....
:'''Red''': Car?
:'''Earl''': Thanks, Red. So, what'd I miss?
:'''Mediator''': You missed everything. Okay. I'm not gonna lie. Mr. Forman, you...you scare the living hell out of me. No offense.
:'''Red''': None taken.
:'''Eric''': That's kind of his thing.
:'''Mediator''': But, Earl, in light of your failure to show up for your own hearing... we have no choice but to rule in favor of Mr. Forman.
:'''Red''': Yes, sir!
:'''Eric''': Way to go, Dad!
:'''Earl''': Damn... dog.
:'''Mediator''': And Mr. Forman, even though this hearing did go your way today...in light of some of your son's responses... I would strongly encourage you to go to anger management classes.
:'''Red''': Sure, I'll...I'll do that ''[Mediator leaves with Earl close behind]''
:'''Eric''': Neat! Anger management. That sounds like it could be kind of fun, right? We...We won. Hey! You and me...We're such a good team. Whoo-hoo-hoo! Yeah. We did it. How about us, huh? Stickin' it to the man.
:'''Red''': ''[obviously angry]'' I'll see you at home. ''[leaves room]''
:'''Eric''': Wait. But, Dad, we...we drove here together!

=== ''Eric's Panties'' [3.6] ===
:'''Red''': ''[reacting to what Kitty cooked for him in light of his health problems]'' This isn’t food – this is what food eats!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shelly''': Doesn't your girlfriend mind you spending so much time with me?
:'''Eric''': Well, no. Apparently, she's thrilled about it.
:'''Shelly''': Well, she's crazy. Because if I was your girlfriend, I would wanna kiss you all the time.
:'''Eric''': Really?
:''[Shelly kisses Eric]''
:'''Eric''': Whoa! Hey, come on, lady! I'm spoken for! Wow!
:''[Kelso and Fez run into the Hub]''
:'''Kelso''': Hey, did we miss anything?
:'''Eric''': What? God, no! You didn't miss anything!
:''[The guys see Donna walk inside]''
:'''Kelso''': Alright, people! Let's back up! Give 'em some room here!
:'''Eric''': Hey, Donna. Hi, hello. 
:'''Donna''': Don't &quot;Hey, Donna. Hi, hello,&quot; me! I trusted you, and you cheated on me with this slut!
:'''Eric''': Donna, I don't think...
:'''Shelly''': Excuse me?!
:'''Donna''': Yeah, I said it. You want some of this? Come on!
:'''Eric''': Donna, hey, whatever you think happened...
:'''Donna''': I know what happened. ''[holds up panties]'' I found these in your car!
:'''Eric''': Panties?
:'''Fez''': Aha! So he admits they are panties.
:'''Donna''': Hey, next time you fool around with someone else's boyfriend, why don't you take your panties when you're done?!
:'''Shelly''': Those aren't mine! Mine are white, and cotton, with a little pink rose on the front. 
:''[Eric, Fez, and Kelso visualize the panties before Donna snaps them out of the daydream]''
:'''Donna''': So these are some other girl's panties?!
:'''Kelso''': Whoa-whoa-whoa. No offense, Donna-- ''[to Eric]'' but dude, you're on fire!
:'''Shelly''': You know what, Eric? I don't need this. ''[walks out of the Hub, but looks back at Eric]'' Oh, and by the way, your car smells like cheese.
:'''Eric''': Donna, look, you have to believe me, I have no idea whose panties those are.
:'''Midge''': ''[walks in]'' Donna! ''[takes the panties]'' Those panties are mine.
:'''Kelso''': ERIC!! OH! OH...''[kneels together with Fez and 'worships' him]'' YOU ARE A ''GOD! [raises arms again]'' A ''GOD'', I SAY!
:'''Donna''': ''[sets Midge aside]'' Mom, why were your panties in the [[w:Oldsmobile Vista Cruiser|Vista Cruiser]]?
:'''Fez''': ''[interrupts Midge]'' And please be as specific.
:'''Midge''': Donna, when you've been together as long as your father and I have, you need to do creative things in creative places. ''[Kelso and Fez stand up, cringing at the thought]''

=== ''Baby Fever'' [3.7] ===
:'''Kitty''': Look what I've got!
:'''Laurie''': Ew. What's that?
:'''Kitty''': That is Marissa. Carol's baby. And you promised me last night that you'd babysit her.
:'''Laurie''': Last night? But I was drunk. Why can't you do it?
:'''Kitty''': Because you promised. And besides your father and I are having fondue and [[w:Parcheesi|Parcheesi ]] at the Pinciottis'.
:'''Red''': Oh? Then I'll do it.
:'''Kitty''': No. Laurie can watch this baby tonight.
:'''Eric''': Oh, look Laurie, a baby. And just in time for your Black Mass! 	
:'''Red''': Eric, what did I tell you about calling your sister the devil?	
:'''Eric''': That it's offensive to the devil?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Since Jackie crashed Kelso's van, Kelso demands an accounting of all expenses incurred during their relationship. Hyde writes down the expenses.]''
:'''Hyde''': All right. All right. Jackie... in your opinion, what are the goods and services that Kelso owes you for?
:'''Jackie''': Everything. He was a total doofus before I met him. In fact, I bought you that belt. So hand it over. And the shirt too.
:'''Kelso''': Fine. You know, this shirt has bad memories of you buying me stuff anyway ''[starts to take off his shirt]''
:'''Fez''': Here. Let me do the math. Okay. Now, Kelso...Uh, Kelso owes Jackie the price for breaking her beautiful heart... and stealing her innocence. Now, Kelso, what do you believe Jackie owes you?
:'''Kelso''': Well- Uh-W- One time I told her that she looked pretty when really she looked pretty skanky. And...and....Hyde, help me out here.
:'''Hyde''': Okay. Let me think. Oh. Don't forget he burned your house.
:'''Kelso''': Hyde.
:'''Hyde''': Dude, you burned her house.

=== ''Jackie Bags Hyde'' [3.8] ===
:'''Hyde''': Look, I told you again and again, I have no interest in you and you don't have a chance. And yet you keep thinking that I have an interest in you and you have a chance.
:'''Jackie''': Wait! Did you just say that you're interested in me and that I have a chance?
:'''Hyde''': Okay, you know what: you forced me to do this. I'm gonna explain my feelings to you through a highly disciplined form of Japanese poetry: Haiku. 
::My heart aches with pain. ''[Jackie smiles]''
::When I see you, I vomit. ''[Jackie's smile drops, looking stunned]''
::Die away from me.
:'''Donna''': ''[enjoying herself from the couch]'' Ouch!
:'''Hyde''': Sayonara. ''[goes to basement room]''
:'''Jackie''': ''[stunned]'' Donna....never have 17 syllables hurt me so much. Why would he want to hurt me like that?
:'''Donna''': Because you're stalking him, Jackie.
:'''Jackie''': No, really, Donna!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Red is making good progress with his barbecue war against Bob]''
:'''Kitty''': Well, we've gone through three batches of Ambrosia salad.
:'''Red''': Three batches! Not since D-Day has there been such a complete and glorious victory. ''[laughs. Donna approaches]'' Oh uh, hi Donna.
:'''Donna''': Well I hope you're all happy, 'cause you ruined my Dad's barbecue. All he wanted was one more good day before everybody found out that his store was closing and he's going bankrupt.
:'''Eric''': ''[surprised]'' Wait? What?
:'''Donna''': Yeah, ''Bargain Bob's'' is closing this week so... congratulations. ''[walks away]''
:'''Eric''': Oh my God, I feel so bad.
:'''Red''': Well you should, you ruined his barbecue. Why would you do that?
:'''Eric''': Wha...me? You coulda, you -
:'''Red''': Eric, for God's sakes, the man is almost a veteran.
:'''Eric''': Ok, fine. You know what. Fine, it's all my fault. But Dad you, you gotta make everyone here go next door.
:'''Kitty''': Eric, you're right. We have got to go over there. They are our neighbors, they are our best friends.
:'''Red''': Yeah, I suppose. ''[addresses guests]'' All right freeloaders, let's move it on over to Bob's! ''[everyone starts to leave]'' Eric, grab that keg.
:'''Eric''': Ok, I'm on it. ''[tries to carry but the keg wouldn't budge]''

=== ''Hyde's Christmas Rager'' [3.9] ===
:''[The guys play quarters at the Christmas party]''
:'''Kelso''': I miss my funnel. ''[throws quarter and hits the glass]'' Eric, drink.
:'''Hyde''': OK, if I was Tattoo, and I lived on Fantasy Island, my fantasy would be to not be a midget. Am I right? ''[throws quarter and hits the glass]'' Hmmm. Eenie, meenie, miney, Forman.
:'''Eric''': You know, Hyde, at first I thought your dad was a real dirtbag. But I've come to realize that there's a fine line between dirtbag and Father of the Year! ''[throws quarter and hits the table]'' Damn!
:'''Fez''': Fellas, I have to be honest. I've never played quarters before, so I probably stink. ''[throws quarter and hits the glass]'' Oh, happy day! Eric.
:'''Kelso''': Man, this is the worst game in the world. I'm so thirsty. ''[throws quarter and hits the glass]'' Damn it! Eric, drink!
:'''Hyde''': I mean...he lives on Fantasy Island, man! And he's a midget! It's so obvious! ''[throws quarter and hits the glass]'' Hmmm. Mmmmm, Forman!
:'''Eric''': Does anyone else feel kinda woozy? ''[throws quarter and hits the table]'' Oh, what the hell, man?!
:'''Fez''': If I make this shot, I promise I will not pick you, Eric. ''[throws quarter and hits the glass]'' ...I pick you, Eric. It's fun to lie!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eric''': ''[staggering from the car]'' Kelso, it's fine. I'm not that drunk... I just can't walk or see... Man, that was a great party. You know who doesn't like parties? Red. ''[imitates Red]'' I'm Red. I don't like parties because I'm a big, bald party-pooper! ''[Red walks outside the house]'' Uh-Oh. ''[throws up on Red's shoes]''
:'''Red''': Son of a bitch!
:'''Kelso''': ''[Looks at Eric's barf]'' Eric, when did you eat spaghetti?

=== ''Ice Shack'' [3.10] ===
:'''Donna:''' Ooh, it's kinda cold.
:'''Eric:''' Here, take my jacket.
:'''Donna:''' I love you.
:'''Eric:''' God, we are such the... perfect couple.
:'''Jackie:''' I'm cold, too.
:'''Kelso:''' Well, damn, Jackie. I can't control the weather!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Laurie is telling Red and Kitty what she plans to do with her life.]''
:'''Laurie''': But now, I have found my passion: Hair!
:'''Kitty''': [[w:Hair (musical)|The musical]]?
:'''Laurie''': No! HAIR! ''[Laurie grabs a handful of her hair.]''
:'''Laurie''': I'm going to beauty school!
:'''Kitty''': This isn't something you do through the mail, is it?
:'''Laurie''': No! It's a real school!
:'''Kitty''': Oh. Well... yay!
:'''Red''': Congratulations, sweetheart!
:''[Laurie leaves in excitement.]''
:'''Red''': Well, Kitty, what do you think?
:'''Kitty''': Eh.
:'''Red''': Yeah.

=== ''Who Wants It More?'' [3.11] ===
:''[At a party celebrating Red's 'death']''
:'''Kitty''': Are you having fun?
:'''Red''': No. Turns out I was mistaken. Life is too short to spend it with people who annoy you. I just wanna spend it with people I really, really love. Like you and, uh...Well, mostly just you ''[taps glass]'' Everybody. ''[guests look at him]'' Thanks for being here. And I just wanna say...when my time comes, I want to be buried face down, so that anyone who doesn't like me can kiss my ass!
:''[Awkward silence.]''
:'''Kitty''': ''[Laughs nervously]''
:''[Everyone else laughs.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Donna and Eric are in his room, putting their clothes back on.]''
:'''Eric''': Donna, I'm so glad you're my study partner. Because you make learning fun. [Laughs and kisses Donna.]
:'''Donna''': Okay, well, no more study breaks. We have to get this report done.
:'''Eric''': Alright, fine. Okay.
:''[Both walk over to his bed and pick up their stuff.]''
:'''Eric''': Report on the current state of U.S.-Soviet relations. Okay, we need a title.
:'''Donna''': How 'bout... Current State of U.S.-Soviet Relations?
:'''Eric''': Damn, you're smart. ''[Writes title down on paper.]'' &quot;U.S.-Soviet Relations&quot;. ''[Looks up at Donna; jumps on top of her and they start making out.]''

=== ''Fez Gets The Girl'' [3.12] ===
:''[Eric is trying to connect new speakers in his car]''
:'''Hyde''': Where's the tunes, Forman?
:'''Fez''': I learned how to speak English faster than this.
:'''Kelso''': It's not real English if you speak it with a foreign accent.

=== ''Dine and Dash'' [3.13] ===
:''[The gang is not pleased that Kelso's planning to bail on the check at the Vineyard.]''
:'''Jackie''': Michael, I have never dined and dashed, and I'm not about to start now.
:'''Kelso''': Uh, well... Remember when we went to nice restaurants and I told you to wait in the car while I paid? Did you ever wonder why I was running to the car?
:'''Jackie''': Oh, my God. I'm a thief.
:'''Hyde''': I think technically you're an accessory.
:'''Eric''': Which should make you happy, because you love accessories, earrings, bracelets, bangles, bows...
:'''Jackie''': Shut up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Eric and Donna are giving the others &quot;special&quot; brownies to show that there are no hard feelings about the dine-and-dash.]''
:'''Hyde''': Special brownies... Like the special kind of special?
:'''Donna''': The best kind of special.
:''[After Hyde, Fez, Jackie and Kelso eat the brownies]''
:'''Fez''': Something's wrong. I don't feel special.
:'''Jackie''': Me, neither.
:'''Hyde''': Yeah. I don't think those were special brownies, man.
:'''Eric''': Oh, no, no. They're special. Say, Donna, do you have any more of that special ingredient we used?
:'''Donna''': Well, I certainly do, Eric. ''[brings out a box from a shirt pocket]'' Chocolate Super-Lax.

=== ''Radio Daze'' [3.14] ===
:''[Red complains to the Fatso Burger manager, Ricky about the food served to him]''
:'''Ricky''': May I help you, sir?
:'''Red''': Yeah. I wanna compliment you on one tasty, fried piece of shoe.
:'''Ricky''': Let me take care of this right now. Earl!
:'''Red''': Oh, no. Did you say Earl?
:'''Ricky''': Just one second.
:'''Earl''': ''[walk out of kitchen]'' Ricky, I'm glad you called me. I need to leave early for a - ''[sees Red]'' Oh. Hi, Red.
:'''Ricky''': You two know each other?
:'''Earl''': I used to work for Red. Then he fired me.
:'''Ricky''': Oh. Then he and I have something in common. You're fired!
:'''Earl''': What did I do?
:'''Red''': Hey, Bob. Job just opened up for you. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Having been hired at WFPP, Donna is introduced to her new job by the manager, Max, when the DJ, Jerry Thunder, comes on air]''
:'''Jerry Thunder''': Oh, yeah, this is Jerry Thunder ''[plays thunderclap sound effect]'' Coming to you on ''The Sound''! And it looks like we got a new office girl. What's your name, baby?
:'''Donna''': ''[speaks to mic]'' Um, Donna.
:'''Jerry''': Mmm. Well, Donna, you are hot. So I'm gonna call you... Hot Donna.
:'''Donna''': Okay.
:'''Jerry''': You got yourself a boyfriend, Hot Donna?
:'''Donna''': ''[ignore Max' cutting gesture]''Um... no.
:'''Jerry''': Mmm. That is good news, fellas. 'Cause Hot Donna is... hot!
:'''Donna''': Uhm Max, why'd you make me say that? 'Cause I have a boyfriend.
:'''Max''': Fine. You have a boyfriend. So does Elton John.
:'''Donna''': No way!
:'''Max''': Yeah! They're a fantastic couple. I love 'em. The point is... we're selling an image here... and an available Hot Donna is good for ratings.
:'''Donna''': Oh. Well, what the hell. Eric won't have a problem with this.
:''[Switch to Eric's basement]''
:'''Eric''': What the hell? I have a problem with this!

=== ''Donna's Panties'' [3.15] ===
:'''Kitty''': Oooh, look how cute you are. This is just like when you were five, and played make believe dinner. Only this time, it won't end by Donna sitting on Eric's face. ''[Awkward pause]'' OK. 
:''[Kitty and Red start leaving]''
:'''Red''': Kitty, that was bad.
:'''Kitty''': I know, keep walking.
:''[Kitty and Red finally leave]''
:'''Eric''': Oh, good, and I thought this was going to be awkward. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eric''':  It's Donna's fault. OK? I didn't make her wear that big, goofy underwear. I'm sorry, but if you're hanging out with this crowd you gotta know that eventually your pants are gettin' pulled down. Am I right?
:'''Fez''': I am so glad I did not pull down Caroline's pants. I mean, if she asked me to, I would. ...Because I respect her wishes. And also, I am so horny.
:'''Hyde''': Forman, when I told you to be funny to give Donna panties...I meant it'd be funny to ''me''. ''[chuckles]'' And it was!

=== ''Romantic Weekend'' [3.16] ===
:'''Kelso''': Okay, so I'm making out with Pam Macey in the orchestra pit, and everything's progressing like normal. Until... 
:'''Fez''': What?
:'''Kelso''': You know, the really, ''really'' bad thing that can happen to guys when they're with girls.
:'''Fez''': Oh, did Mr. Cooper come in to buff the floor?
:'''Kelso''': ...No. Okay. Let me put it this way: The buffer wouldn't buff.
:'''Fez''': Poor Mr. Cooper.
:'''Hyde''': No, Fez! I think what he's trying to say is... the rabbit wouldn't come out of the hat.
:'''Eric''': The weasel wouldn't pop.
:'''Hyde''': The alphabet soup never spelled, &quot;Go&quot;.
:'''Kelso''': OKAY! ALRIGHT, ENOUGH!
:'''Eric''': Actually, not quite. There are a lot of Amish people, but they never raised a barn.
:'''Hyde''': Forman, man, that was awesome!
:'''Eric''': It just came to me.
:'''Fez''': Oh, I get it. The barn is Kelso's pants!
:'''Kelso''': Okay! You guys, this is not funny! This is like a nightmare!
:'''Fez''': Yes Eric, stop teasing. Kelso, I want you to know that I feel bad for you. And that I am sorry... YOU ARE NOT A MAN!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eric''': So, looks like I'm gonna spend the weekend with Kelso, tutor him in math.
:'''Red''': Really.
:'''Kitty''': Hmmm.
:'''Red''': So, you're allegedly tutoring Kelso in math?
:'''Eric''': Yes sir.
:'''Kitty''': Are you good in math?
:'''Red''': What's the square root of x?
:'''Eric''': Um, I really can't answer that?
:'''Red''': A-HA!
:'''Eric''': No, see. X is a variable so until you define its parameter is the only possible answer is the variable or x if you prefer.
:'''Red''': Is that right?
:'''Kitty''': Sounds good. Will Michael's parents be home?
:'''Eric''': Yes.
:'''Red''': Are they as dumb as he is?
:'''Eric''': I can't lie. Yes. Yes, they are.
:'''Red''': Right answer. (to Kitty) That was a trick question. I know they're dumb.
:'''Eric''': So, I can go?
:'''Red''': You can go, but I'll be watching the news. And if anything gets vandalized, or explodes, or catches on fire, X is gonna equal me kicking your ass.

=== ''Kitty's Birthday (That's Today!?)'' [3.17] ===
:''[Red and Eric have taken Kitty square dancing to make up for missing her birthday]''
:'''Eric''': This is awful.
:'''Donna''': She made me waffles, now promenade you son of a bitch!

=== ''The Trials of Michael Kelso'' [3.18] ===
:'''Fez''': While we were getting beat up, I think I got to second base.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The guys are awaiting their beating in the rival school's locker room]''
:'''Eric''': Now instead of feeling scared and anxious, I feel relaxed, and...relaxed.
:'''Fez''': I know we're probably gonna get beaten, but it was worth it. Because we showed we have tremendous school spirit. ''[starts sobbing]'' Go Vikings!
:'''Hyde''': School spirit is for losers, man. You're just, like, floating along on a conveyor belt of conformity. Pep rallies, extracurricular activities, washing your hair. It's all just a trap, man! 
:'''Eric''': Yeah, Fez. It's one thing to root for a football team, but to confuse the Point Place Vikings with a sense of personal identity? That's just...relaxing. ''[starts laughing hysterically]'' We're all gonna die tomorrow!

=== ''Eric's Naughty No-No'' [3.19] ===
:''[The guys talk about the X-rated film they saw earlier]''
:'''Eric''': Okay, so did anyone besides me think that some of the guys in that movie were not completely...average? Like, you know, way, way...above average?
:'''Hyde''': Well, you don't go into that line of work when you're below average. You just pray some hot, redheaded neighbor girl likes you for your personality.
:'''Fez''': What are you talking about? Those men were ''completely'' average. In fact, I found the guy with the mustache downright puny.
:'''Kelso''': See now, Fez, that's not honest. I mean, we all know you're small in the pants. What I'm saying is, from here on in, I'm only telling the truth. In fact, I'm gonna come clean to Jackie about everything!
:'''Fez''': Fine. You want honesty? I'll give you honesty. We are ''all'' small in the pants!
:'''Hyde''': Kelso...this might be your best idea ever. You know what? You should make a list of all the lies you've ever told to Jackie. And I'll help you. So all's I really want is for you to be happy.
:'''Eric''': You guys, honestly. You don't think Donna's, you know...bored, right? 'Cause those guys in the movie, they didn't do the same move twice. And I've done the same move, like...always.
:'''Kelso''': I'll bet they go to a special school or something. I mean, they're like doctors at doing it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Kitty and her sister, Paula, patch their differences]''
:'''Paula Sigurdson''': Kitty, would you like a makeover?
:'''Kitty''': Oh, I really would.
:'''Paula''': Okay!
:'''Kitty''': ''[apprehensive]'' I wouldn't look like a whore, would I?

=== ''Holy Craps!'' [3.20] ===
:''[Kitty's not happy that Red, Eric, Hyde and Kelso joined the church fundraiser and rigged all the games]''
:'''Kitty''': Oh wonderful, I started out in God's magic circle and ended up in Satan's evil square. I can't believe any of you would walk into church without bursting into flames.

=== ''Fez Dates Donna'' [3.21] ===
:'''Red''': ''[notices Bob in his driveway]'' Need something, Bob?
:'''Bob''': Well, it's a funny thing. The wife and I are taking out a second mortgage on the house. ...Well, that's not the funny part, 'cause we're pretty much destitute.
:'''Red''': It's a little bit funny, Bob.
:'''Bob''': Anyways, I'm looking at the deed to the property, and the map shows that I own a couple feet of your driveway, and a little bit of your garage.
:'''Red''': How'd you like to own a little bit of my foot in your ass?
:'''Bob''': I wouldn't to be quite honest. 
:'''Red''': It's free!

=== ''Eric's Drunken Tattoo'' [3.22] ===
:'''Donna''': Take off your pants.
:'''Eric''': All right!
:'''Donna''': No! So I can see your tattoo!
:'''Eric''': I knew that. I think you're really gonna like it. Just don't be mad if it says... &quot;Debbie.&quot; ''[pulls down his pants and shows his tattoo]''
:'''Donna''': Woodstock.
:'''Eric''': It says &quot;Woodstock&quot;?
:'''Donna''': No, it's a picture of Snoopy's friend Woodstock! ''[laughs]'' You have a little yellow bird on your ass!

=== ''Canadian Road Trip'' [3.23] ===
:'''Mountie #1''': What are you doing in Canada?
:'''Leo''': What are ''you'' doing in Canada? ''[Mounties look at each other]''
:'''Hyde''': We're part of an elite high school terrorist team. Strike Force Wisconsin! ''[Raises hands]'' 
:'''Eric''': Uh, we just came here to get the beer. And I love Rush. Fly By Night! Ow! [raises arm]''
:'''Kelso''': Well, if ham's Canadian bacon, then what the hell do you call bacon?
:'''Fez''': Me no speakas English.
:'''Mountie #1''': What's your business in Canada?
:'''Leo''': What's ''your'' business in Canada? ''[Mounties look at each other]''
:'''Eric''': We're... getting beer.
:'''Kelso''': Every once in a while, do you ever get an American nickel in your change? ''[Looks at both mounties in turn]''
:'''Fez''': Me no understando.
:'''Mountie #2''': What's your reason for coming to Canada, eh?
:'''Leo''': What's ''your'' re-
:'''Mountie #1''' Shut up!
:'''Hyde''': Yeah, I'm here to nail [[w:Margaret Trudeau|Margaret Trudeau.]]
:'''Mountie #1''': Been there.
:'''Mountie #2''': Done that.
:'''Eric''': Beer. ''[Pause]'' Beer! BEER!
:'''Kelso''': Are those snowshoes hard to walk in? They're tennis rackets, aren't they?
:'''Fez''': Wee foobie dibbie doobie.
:'''Mountie #1''': Wee foobie...
:'''Mountie #2''': Dibbie doobie...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mountie #2''': Now, Leave Canada Please. ''[The boys and Leo walk out, with Leo doing one last retort]''
:'''Leo''': ''You'' Leave Canada Please.

=== ''Backstage Pass'' [3.24] ===
=== ''The Promise Ring'' [3.25] ===
:'''Kelso''': A promise ring is not only a gift from the heart, but it also means more sex and less mouthin' off. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At the Forman house garage, Eric and Donna talk about their relationship, which has taken a bad turn.]''
:'''Donna''': If we're meant to be together, then we'll end up together.
:'''Eric''': No. The way we end up together is by saying we'll be together and then...being together.
:'''Donna''': Eric come on, we're together '''now'''. Isn't that enough? 
:'''Eric''': NO! I mean ''[walks away then faces Donna]'' I mean, DAMN Donna! If you can see a future for yourself without me, and that doesn't, like, break your heart, then we're not doing what I thought we're doing here and you know what? Maybe we shouldn't even be together at all!
:'''Donna''': ''[after short pause]'' Are you breaking up with me?
:'''Eric''': Are you giving back that ring?
:'''Donna''': Yes.
:'''Eric''': Then, yes. ''[Donna leaves ring on hood.]''

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:That '70s Show seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>oe816j15ejs8otj3j2yh33h57hlmk1p</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3148007</id>
      <parentid>3148005</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T04:34:43Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Eaglestorm</username>
        <id>16205</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Backstage Pass [3.24] */ Tad Nugent</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="33006" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Season''' [[That '70s Show (season 1)|1]] [[That '70s Show (season 2)|2]] [[That '70s Show (season 3)|3]] [[That '70s Show (season 4)|4]] [[That '70s Show (season 5)|5]] [[That '70s Show (season 6)|6]] [[That '70s Show (season 7)|7]] [[That '70s Show  (season 8)|8]] | [[That '70s Show|'''Main''']]
----

'''''[[w:That '70s Show|That '70s Show]]''''' (1998–2006) is an American television sitcom centered on the lives of a group of teenagers living in the fictional town of Point Place, Wisconsin during the late 1970s.

=== ''Reefer Madness'' [3.1] ===
:'''Red:''' ''[After finding out about Hyde being on probation]'' Probation? Well, isn't ''that'' just ducky? You know how Russia treats their criminals? First offense, five years in Siberia! Second offense, ten years! Believe you me, there is no third offense!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Flashback]''
:'''Young Eric''': I am so baked! I think. No, yeah I am...I think.
:'''Young Kelso''': You know guys, I've been living my life all wrong. All I ever thought about was school. Studying, reading, homework...well, that's over! Thanks, Hyde.
:'''Young Hyde''': Hey, man, don't thank me. Thank my mom. If she hadn't have passed out, I couldn't have raided her stash.
:'''Young Kelso''': You have the best mom ever!
:'''Young Eric''': Hey guys, you know what? Yesterday, I was wrestling with Donna, and I felt her boob! It was beautiful...and squishy.
:'''Young Kelso''': Squishy. Hey guys! I had this dream that I was kissing my English teacher. And when I woke up, I was stuck to my bed. ''[chuckles]''
:'''Young Hyde''': Kelso, man, that's not normal. You could die. ...Hey, isn't your English teacher a guy?
:'''Young Kelso''': Yeah. ...No, I meant my Spanish teacher. She's a girl. Man, what's in this stuff?
:'''Young Eric''': Hey guys. I'm having the best time ever. I think. No, yeah I am.

=== ''Red Sees Red'' [3.2] ===
:''[while family is watching [[w:The Brady Bunch|The Brady Bunch]]]'' 
:'''Eric''': Yeah, I love the Bradys. Oh, remember that episode where Mr. Brady went completely insane and put bells on all the doors?
:'''Red''': Hey, did you see the one where Greg was a real wise ass and Mr. Brady took him outside and cleaned his clock?
:'''Laurie''': Did you ever see the one where I hated living here?
:'''Hyde''': That's my favorite.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eric and Hyde''': ''[to Shirley Jones]'' Hi, Mom!
:'''Kitty:''' Mom?
:'''Shirley Jones''': That's right, Kitty.
:'''Eric''': We’re [[w:Patridge Family|Partridges]] now!
:'''Hyde''': This is gonna be great! I’m pretty sure I can nail Susan Dey!
:'''Kitty''': No! Partridges? You can’t live in a bus! There’s no toilet!

=== ''Hyde's Father'' [3.3] ===
:''[The guys enter a bar]''
:'''Eric''': All right. They didn't even check our fake IDs.
:'''Fez''': And I wasted a whole day thinking up my fake name.
:'''Hyde''': Yeah. Sorry, &quot;Pez.&quot; Let's drink.
:'''Bud''': So, fellas, school let out early?
:'''Kelso''': Yeah. We're just....
:'''Eric''': Kelso, shut up!
:'''Kelso''': Uh, I mean, no. No, we're old. We're workers. We're all construction workers. Hey, fellas, did you see that brick today? Whoo!
:'''Bud''': Relax, guys. It's &quot;Serve a Minor Night&quot; at the old &quot;Don't Have a Liquor License&quot; Saloon ''[to Hyde]'' You look familiar. Do I know you?
:'''Hyde''': I should hope so...Dad. ''[Kelso, Eric, and Fez are aghast]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Eric and Donna are making out in his bed, but Donna discovers an issue of PlayPen on the floor]''
:'''Donna''': You keep a stack of dirty magazines under your bed? ''[gets up to look under his bed]''
:'''Eric''': What? No! God, not a stack. You know, what is a &quot;stack&quot; really?
:'''Donna''': Why do you have these down here?
:'''Eric''': Now, wait, Donna...downstairs you were laughing and cracking jokes about this stuff.
:'''Donna''': Eric, that was in the basement...with our idiotic friends. Why do you need them? Aren't I enough? ''[throws the magazines at him]''
:'''Eric''': No-Yeah, you're enough. God, you're...you're plenty. It's just, uh, that, uh... you see, Donna, you see, what I do with dirty magazines... is... really only interesting to me.... with the reading of the articles and the solving of the puzzles and whatnot.
:'''Donna''': You know what? I don't wanna know bout the whatnot. I'm outta here ''[leaves room]''
:'''Eric''': ''[to magazines]'' Oh, no, girls. She's onto us.

=== ''Too Old to Trick or Treat, Too Young to Die'' [3.4] ===
:''[The gang think of ways on how to spend their Halloween. Kelso has an idea.]''
:'''Kelso''': You know what would be fun? If we were in an Alfred Hitchcock movie right now, and we didn’t know it. And then, someone one told us and we were all like, “Oh man! I’m in a movie!&quot; ''[Hyde, Kelso, Donna, Eric, Jackie, and Fez individually give surprised looks to the camera]'' 
:'''Donna''': Yeah, ok, I’m out of here.
:'''Eric''': Wait, but I thought we-
:'''Donna''': GET BENT!
:'''Eric''': Ok, I’ll do that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[A man goes up to a dark room in the Formans' house, where Fez is. He tries to scare off the man using a camera's flash, but Hyde opens the light. The mysterious man is actually Bob.]''
:'''Fez''': You can’t kill me like you killed Midge, you big doofy!
:'''Bob''': Kill Midge? I didn’t kill Midge. She’s in Chicago visiting her sister.
:'''Fez''': Oh, really. Then what was in the heavy garbage sacks?
:'''Bob''': Garbage, you idiot.
:'''Hyde''': Oh, well I guess that explains the giant knife, the guts all over your apron. Oh, wait, no it doesn’t!
:'''Fez''': Explain that, killer!
:'''Bob''': They were pumpkin guts. I was making Jack-o’-lanterns. 
:'''Fez''': So, you’re hiding Midge’s body in a jack-o’-lantern. Clever plan.
:'''Bob''': ''[walks over to the window]'' Look, there’s Midge now. Not dead or nothing. ''[Fez sees Midge getting undressed]''
:'''Fez''': Oh goody! You can go now.
:'''Bob''': Midgey! No! Cover yourself!

=== ''Roller Disco'' [3.5] ===
:''[Fez and Jackie await the results of the Roller Disco competition with Donna and Kelso, who is not pleased]''
:'''Announcer''': And the winner of Kenosha's Annual Roller Disco Doo-dah is...Jackie Burkhart and...
:'''Donna and Jackie''': Oh, my God! ''[Jackie hugs Fez]''
:'''Announcer''': Friend.
:'''Kelso''': Fix! Fix!
:'''Jackie''': I can't believe it! I'm so sorry I doubted you. You...You are my hero...My...my hunky, sexy, foreign skating hero!
:'''Fez''': And you are my...my spoiled, whiny skating princess.
:'''Jackie''': Oh, Fez, thank you! ''[a tournament assistant gives them champagne]'' Yaaaay, champagne! Yaaay!
:'''Kelso''': Yaaaay! Yaaay! ''[rubs Jackie's back]''
:'''Jackie''': ''[Shakes off Kelso]'' Get off me. Kelso, you booed us the entire time.
:'''Kelso''': What? No! That was some rude guy. So I popped him one, and then I was goin', &quot;Ooh,&quot; because I hurt my hand when I popped the rude guy. So... you're welcome. You wanna kiss it?
:'''Jackie''': Let's go, Fez ''[they leave]''
:'''Donna''': Hmm. Come on, Kelso. Look at the bright side.
:'''Kelso''': What's the bright side?
:'''Donna''': The bright side is there isn't one. Fez has Jackie, and you have to squeeze out that marble.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Red and Eric are summoned to testify about Earl's wrongful termination suit against Red]''
:'''Eric''': I guess &quot;violent&quot; is the wrong word... but, you know, it's definitely some kind of rage. Although, I mean, you know, Earl had it coming. I love you, Daddy.
:'''Earl''': ''[enters room panting]'' Oh, hey. Sorry I'm late.
:'''Mediator''': Hour and 10 minutes late. I can only assume you're Earl.
:'''Earl''': Yeah. So, um, sorry. My, uh, dog got hit by a...a guy in a....
:'''Red''': Car?
:'''Earl''': Thanks, Red. So, what'd I miss?
:'''Mediator''': You missed everything. Okay. I'm not gonna lie. Mr. Forman, you...you scare the living hell out of me. No offense.
:'''Red''': None taken.
:'''Eric''': That's kind of his thing.
:'''Mediator''': But, Earl, in light of your failure to show up for your own hearing... we have no choice but to rule in favor of Mr. Forman.
:'''Red''': Yes, sir!
:'''Eric''': Way to go, Dad!
:'''Earl''': Damn... dog.
:'''Mediator''': And Mr. Forman, even though this hearing did go your way today...in light of some of your son's responses... I would strongly encourage you to go to anger management classes.
:'''Red''': Sure, I'll...I'll do that ''[Mediator leaves with Earl close behind]''
:'''Eric''': Neat! Anger management. That sounds like it could be kind of fun, right? We...We won. Hey! You and me...We're such a good team. Whoo-hoo-hoo! Yeah. We did it. How about us, huh? Stickin' it to the man.
:'''Red''': ''[obviously angry]'' I'll see you at home. ''[leaves room]''
:'''Eric''': Wait. But, Dad, we...we drove here together!

=== ''Eric's Panties'' [3.6] ===
:'''Red''': ''[reacting to what Kitty cooked for him in light of his health problems]'' This isn’t food – this is what food eats!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shelly''': Doesn't your girlfriend mind you spending so much time with me?
:'''Eric''': Well, no. Apparently, she's thrilled about it.
:'''Shelly''': Well, she's crazy. Because if I was your girlfriend, I would wanna kiss you all the time.
:'''Eric''': Really?
:''[Shelly kisses Eric]''
:'''Eric''': Whoa! Hey, come on, lady! I'm spoken for! Wow!
:''[Kelso and Fez run into the Hub]''
:'''Kelso''': Hey, did we miss anything?
:'''Eric''': What? God, no! You didn't miss anything!
:''[The guys see Donna walk inside]''
:'''Kelso''': Alright, people! Let's back up! Give 'em some room here!
:'''Eric''': Hey, Donna. Hi, hello. 
:'''Donna''': Don't &quot;Hey, Donna. Hi, hello,&quot; me! I trusted you, and you cheated on me with this slut!
:'''Eric''': Donna, I don't think...
:'''Shelly''': Excuse me?!
:'''Donna''': Yeah, I said it. You want some of this? Come on!
:'''Eric''': Donna, hey, whatever you think happened...
:'''Donna''': I know what happened. ''[holds up panties]'' I found these in your car!
:'''Eric''': Panties?
:'''Fez''': Aha! So he admits they are panties.
:'''Donna''': Hey, next time you fool around with someone else's boyfriend, why don't you take your panties when you're done?!
:'''Shelly''': Those aren't mine! Mine are white, and cotton, with a little pink rose on the front. 
:''[Eric, Fez, and Kelso visualize the panties before Donna snaps them out of the daydream]''
:'''Donna''': So these are some other girl's panties?!
:'''Kelso''': Whoa-whoa-whoa. No offense, Donna-- ''[to Eric]'' but dude, you're on fire!
:'''Shelly''': You know what, Eric? I don't need this. ''[walks out of the Hub, but looks back at Eric]'' Oh, and by the way, your car smells like cheese.
:'''Eric''': Donna, look, you have to believe me, I have no idea whose panties those are.
:'''Midge''': ''[walks in]'' Donna! ''[takes the panties]'' Those panties are mine.
:'''Kelso''': ERIC!! OH! OH...''[kneels together with Fez and 'worships' him]'' YOU ARE A ''GOD! [raises arms again]'' A ''GOD'', I SAY!
:'''Donna''': ''[sets Midge aside]'' Mom, why were your panties in the [[w:Oldsmobile Vista Cruiser|Vista Cruiser]]?
:'''Fez''': ''[interrupts Midge]'' And please be as specific.
:'''Midge''': Donna, when you've been together as long as your father and I have, you need to do creative things in creative places. ''[Kelso and Fez stand up, cringing at the thought]''

=== ''Baby Fever'' [3.7] ===
:'''Kitty''': Look what I've got!
:'''Laurie''': Ew. What's that?
:'''Kitty''': That is Marissa. Carol's baby. And you promised me last night that you'd babysit her.
:'''Laurie''': Last night? But I was drunk. Why can't you do it?
:'''Kitty''': Because you promised. And besides your father and I are having fondue and [[w:Parcheesi|Parcheesi ]] at the Pinciottis'.
:'''Red''': Oh? Then I'll do it.
:'''Kitty''': No. Laurie can watch this baby tonight.
:'''Eric''': Oh, look Laurie, a baby. And just in time for your Black Mass! 	
:'''Red''': Eric, what did I tell you about calling your sister the devil?	
:'''Eric''': That it's offensive to the devil?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Since Jackie crashed Kelso's van, Kelso demands an accounting of all expenses incurred during their relationship. Hyde writes down the expenses.]''
:'''Hyde''': All right. All right. Jackie... in your opinion, what are the goods and services that Kelso owes you for?
:'''Jackie''': Everything. He was a total doofus before I met him. In fact, I bought you that belt. So hand it over. And the shirt too.
:'''Kelso''': Fine. You know, this shirt has bad memories of you buying me stuff anyway ''[starts to take off his shirt]''
:'''Fez''': Here. Let me do the math. Okay. Now, Kelso...Uh, Kelso owes Jackie the price for breaking her beautiful heart... and stealing her innocence. Now, Kelso, what do you believe Jackie owes you?
:'''Kelso''': Well- Uh-W- One time I told her that she looked pretty when really she looked pretty skanky. And...and....Hyde, help me out here.
:'''Hyde''': Okay. Let me think. Oh. Don't forget he burned your house.
:'''Kelso''': Hyde.
:'''Hyde''': Dude, you burned her house.

=== ''Jackie Bags Hyde'' [3.8] ===
:'''Hyde''': Look, I told you again and again, I have no interest in you and you don't have a chance. And yet you keep thinking that I have an interest in you and you have a chance.
:'''Jackie''': Wait! Did you just say that you're interested in me and that I have a chance?
:'''Hyde''': Okay, you know what: you forced me to do this. I'm gonna explain my feelings to you through a highly disciplined form of Japanese poetry: Haiku. 
::My heart aches with pain. ''[Jackie smiles]''
::When I see you, I vomit. ''[Jackie's smile drops, looking stunned]''
::Die away from me.
:'''Donna''': ''[enjoying herself from the couch]'' Ouch!
:'''Hyde''': Sayonara. ''[goes to basement room]''
:'''Jackie''': ''[stunned]'' Donna....never have 17 syllables hurt me so much. Why would he want to hurt me like that?
:'''Donna''': Because you're stalking him, Jackie.
:'''Jackie''': No, really, Donna!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Red is making good progress with his barbecue war against Bob]''
:'''Kitty''': Well, we've gone through three batches of Ambrosia salad.
:'''Red''': Three batches! Not since D-Day has there been such a complete and glorious victory. ''[laughs. Donna approaches]'' Oh uh, hi Donna.
:'''Donna''': Well I hope you're all happy, 'cause you ruined my Dad's barbecue. All he wanted was one more good day before everybody found out that his store was closing and he's going bankrupt.
:'''Eric''': ''[surprised]'' Wait? What?
:'''Donna''': Yeah, ''Bargain Bob's'' is closing this week so... congratulations. ''[walks away]''
:'''Eric''': Oh my God, I feel so bad.
:'''Red''': Well you should, you ruined his barbecue. Why would you do that?
:'''Eric''': Wha...me? You coulda, you -
:'''Red''': Eric, for God's sakes, the man is almost a veteran.
:'''Eric''': Ok, fine. You know what. Fine, it's all my fault. But Dad you, you gotta make everyone here go next door.
:'''Kitty''': Eric, you're right. We have got to go over there. They are our neighbors, they are our best friends.
:'''Red''': Yeah, I suppose. ''[addresses guests]'' All right freeloaders, let's move it on over to Bob's! ''[everyone starts to leave]'' Eric, grab that keg.
:'''Eric''': Ok, I'm on it. ''[tries to carry but the keg wouldn't budge]''

=== ''Hyde's Christmas Rager'' [3.9] ===
:''[The guys play quarters at the Christmas party]''
:'''Kelso''': I miss my funnel. ''[throws quarter and hits the glass]'' Eric, drink.
:'''Hyde''': OK, if I was Tattoo, and I lived on Fantasy Island, my fantasy would be to not be a midget. Am I right? ''[throws quarter and hits the glass]'' Hmmm. Eenie, meenie, miney, Forman.
:'''Eric''': You know, Hyde, at first I thought your dad was a real dirtbag. But I've come to realize that there's a fine line between dirtbag and Father of the Year! ''[throws quarter and hits the table]'' Damn!
:'''Fez''': Fellas, I have to be honest. I've never played quarters before, so I probably stink. ''[throws quarter and hits the glass]'' Oh, happy day! Eric.
:'''Kelso''': Man, this is the worst game in the world. I'm so thirsty. ''[throws quarter and hits the glass]'' Damn it! Eric, drink!
:'''Hyde''': I mean...he lives on Fantasy Island, man! And he's a midget! It's so obvious! ''[throws quarter and hits the glass]'' Hmmm. Mmmmm, Forman!
:'''Eric''': Does anyone else feel kinda woozy? ''[throws quarter and hits the table]'' Oh, what the hell, man?!
:'''Fez''': If I make this shot, I promise I will not pick you, Eric. ''[throws quarter and hits the glass]'' ...I pick you, Eric. It's fun to lie!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eric''': ''[staggering from the car]'' Kelso, it's fine. I'm not that drunk... I just can't walk or see... Man, that was a great party. You know who doesn't like parties? Red. ''[imitates Red]'' I'm Red. I don't like parties because I'm a big, bald party-pooper! ''[Red walks outside the house]'' Uh-Oh. ''[throws up on Red's shoes]''
:'''Red''': Son of a bitch!
:'''Kelso''': ''[Looks at Eric's barf]'' Eric, when did you eat spaghetti?

=== ''Ice Shack'' [3.10] ===
:'''Donna:''' Ooh, it's kinda cold.
:'''Eric:''' Here, take my jacket.
:'''Donna:''' I love you.
:'''Eric:''' God, we are such the... perfect couple.
:'''Jackie:''' I'm cold, too.
:'''Kelso:''' Well, damn, Jackie. I can't control the weather!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Laurie is telling Red and Kitty what she plans to do with her life.]''
:'''Laurie''': But now, I have found my passion: Hair!
:'''Kitty''': [[w:Hair (musical)|The musical]]?
:'''Laurie''': No! HAIR! ''[Laurie grabs a handful of her hair.]''
:'''Laurie''': I'm going to beauty school!
:'''Kitty''': This isn't something you do through the mail, is it?
:'''Laurie''': No! It's a real school!
:'''Kitty''': Oh. Well... yay!
:'''Red''': Congratulations, sweetheart!
:''[Laurie leaves in excitement.]''
:'''Red''': Well, Kitty, what do you think?
:'''Kitty''': Eh.
:'''Red''': Yeah.

=== ''Who Wants It More?'' [3.11] ===
:''[At a party celebrating Red's 'death']''
:'''Kitty''': Are you having fun?
:'''Red''': No. Turns out I was mistaken. Life is too short to spend it with people who annoy you. I just wanna spend it with people I really, really love. Like you and, uh...Well, mostly just you ''[taps glass]'' Everybody. ''[guests look at him]'' Thanks for being here. And I just wanna say...when my time comes, I want to be buried face down, so that anyone who doesn't like me can kiss my ass!
:''[Awkward silence.]''
:'''Kitty''': ''[Laughs nervously]''
:''[Everyone else laughs.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Donna and Eric are in his room, putting their clothes back on.]''
:'''Eric''': Donna, I'm so glad you're my study partner. Because you make learning fun. [Laughs and kisses Donna.]
:'''Donna''': Okay, well, no more study breaks. We have to get this report done.
:'''Eric''': Alright, fine. Okay.
:''[Both walk over to his bed and pick up their stuff.]''
:'''Eric''': Report on the current state of U.S.-Soviet relations. Okay, we need a title.
:'''Donna''': How 'bout... Current State of U.S.-Soviet Relations?
:'''Eric''': Damn, you're smart. ''[Writes title down on paper.]'' &quot;U.S.-Soviet Relations&quot;. ''[Looks up at Donna; jumps on top of her and they start making out.]''

=== ''Fez Gets The Girl'' [3.12] ===
:''[Eric is trying to connect new speakers in his car]''
:'''Hyde''': Where's the tunes, Forman?
:'''Fez''': I learned how to speak English faster than this.
:'''Kelso''': It's not real English if you speak it with a foreign accent.

=== ''Dine and Dash'' [3.13] ===
:''[The gang is not pleased that Kelso's planning to bail on the check at the Vineyard.]''
:'''Jackie''': Michael, I have never dined and dashed, and I'm not about to start now.
:'''Kelso''': Uh, well... Remember when we went to nice restaurants and I told you to wait in the car while I paid? Did you ever wonder why I was running to the car?
:'''Jackie''': Oh, my God. I'm a thief.
:'''Hyde''': I think technically you're an accessory.
:'''Eric''': Which should make you happy, because you love accessories, earrings, bracelets, bangles, bows...
:'''Jackie''': Shut up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Eric and Donna are giving the others &quot;special&quot; brownies to show that there are no hard feelings about the dine-and-dash.]''
:'''Hyde''': Special brownies... Like the special kind of special?
:'''Donna''': The best kind of special.
:''[After Hyde, Fez, Jackie and Kelso eat the brownies]''
:'''Fez''': Something's wrong. I don't feel special.
:'''Jackie''': Me, neither.
:'''Hyde''': Yeah. I don't think those were special brownies, man.
:'''Eric''': Oh, no, no. They're special. Say, Donna, do you have any more of that special ingredient we used?
:'''Donna''': Well, I certainly do, Eric. ''[brings out a box from a shirt pocket]'' Chocolate Super-Lax.

=== ''Radio Daze'' [3.14] ===
:''[Red complains to the Fatso Burger manager, Ricky about the food served to him]''
:'''Ricky''': May I help you, sir?
:'''Red''': Yeah. I wanna compliment you on one tasty, fried piece of shoe.
:'''Ricky''': Let me take care of this right now. Earl!
:'''Red''': Oh, no. Did you say Earl?
:'''Ricky''': Just one second.
:'''Earl''': ''[walk out of kitchen]'' Ricky, I'm glad you called me. I need to leave early for a - ''[sees Red]'' Oh. Hi, Red.
:'''Ricky''': You two know each other?
:'''Earl''': I used to work for Red. Then he fired me.
:'''Ricky''': Oh. Then he and I have something in common. You're fired!
:'''Earl''': What did I do?
:'''Red''': Hey, Bob. Job just opened up for you. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Having been hired at WFPP, Donna is introduced to her new job by the manager, Max, when the DJ, Jerry Thunder, comes on air]''
:'''Jerry Thunder''': Oh, yeah, this is Jerry Thunder ''[plays thunderclap sound effect]'' Coming to you on ''The Sound''! And it looks like we got a new office girl. What's your name, baby?
:'''Donna''': ''[speaks to mic]'' Um, Donna.
:'''Jerry''': Mmm. Well, Donna, you are hot. So I'm gonna call you... Hot Donna.
:'''Donna''': Okay.
:'''Jerry''': You got yourself a boyfriend, Hot Donna?
:'''Donna''': ''[ignore Max' cutting gesture]''Um... no.
:'''Jerry''': Mmm. That is good news, fellas. 'Cause Hot Donna is... hot!
:'''Donna''': Uhm Max, why'd you make me say that? 'Cause I have a boyfriend.
:'''Max''': Fine. You have a boyfriend. So does Elton John.
:'''Donna''': No way!
:'''Max''': Yeah! They're a fantastic couple. I love 'em. The point is... we're selling an image here... and an available Hot Donna is good for ratings.
:'''Donna''': Oh. Well, what the hell. Eric won't have a problem with this.
:''[Switch to Eric's basement]''
:'''Eric''': What the hell? I have a problem with this!

=== ''Donna's Panties'' [3.15] ===
:'''Kitty''': Oooh, look how cute you are. This is just like when you were five, and played make believe dinner. Only this time, it won't end by Donna sitting on Eric's face. ''[Awkward pause]'' OK. 
:''[Kitty and Red start leaving]''
:'''Red''': Kitty, that was bad.
:'''Kitty''': I know, keep walking.
:''[Kitty and Red finally leave]''
:'''Eric''': Oh, good, and I thought this was going to be awkward. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eric''':  It's Donna's fault. OK? I didn't make her wear that big, goofy underwear. I'm sorry, but if you're hanging out with this crowd you gotta know that eventually your pants are gettin' pulled down. Am I right?
:'''Fez''': I am so glad I did not pull down Caroline's pants. I mean, if she asked me to, I would. ...Because I respect her wishes. And also, I am so horny.
:'''Hyde''': Forman, when I told you to be funny to give Donna panties...I meant it'd be funny to ''me''. ''[chuckles]'' And it was!

=== ''Romantic Weekend'' [3.16] ===
:'''Kelso''': Okay, so I'm making out with Pam Macey in the orchestra pit, and everything's progressing like normal. Until... 
:'''Fez''': What?
:'''Kelso''': You know, the really, ''really'' bad thing that can happen to guys when they're with girls.
:'''Fez''': Oh, did Mr. Cooper come in to buff the floor?
:'''Kelso''': ...No. Okay. Let me put it this way: The buffer wouldn't buff.
:'''Fez''': Poor Mr. Cooper.
:'''Hyde''': No, Fez! I think what he's trying to say is... the rabbit wouldn't come out of the hat.
:'''Eric''': The weasel wouldn't pop.
:'''Hyde''': The alphabet soup never spelled, &quot;Go&quot;.
:'''Kelso''': OKAY! ALRIGHT, ENOUGH!
:'''Eric''': Actually, not quite. There are a lot of Amish people, but they never raised a barn.
:'''Hyde''': Forman, man, that was awesome!
:'''Eric''': It just came to me.
:'''Fez''': Oh, I get it. The barn is Kelso's pants!
:'''Kelso''': Okay! You guys, this is not funny! This is like a nightmare!
:'''Fez''': Yes Eric, stop teasing. Kelso, I want you to know that I feel bad for you. And that I am sorry... YOU ARE NOT A MAN!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eric''': So, looks like I'm gonna spend the weekend with Kelso, tutor him in math.
:'''Red''': Really.
:'''Kitty''': Hmmm.
:'''Red''': So, you're allegedly tutoring Kelso in math?
:'''Eric''': Yes sir.
:'''Kitty''': Are you good in math?
:'''Red''': What's the square root of x?
:'''Eric''': Um, I really can't answer that?
:'''Red''': A-HA!
:'''Eric''': No, see. X is a variable so until you define its parameter is the only possible answer is the variable or x if you prefer.
:'''Red''': Is that right?
:'''Kitty''': Sounds good. Will Michael's parents be home?
:'''Eric''': Yes.
:'''Red''': Are they as dumb as he is?
:'''Eric''': I can't lie. Yes. Yes, they are.
:'''Red''': Right answer. (to Kitty) That was a trick question. I know they're dumb.
:'''Eric''': So, I can go?
:'''Red''': You can go, but I'll be watching the news. And if anything gets vandalized, or explodes, or catches on fire, X is gonna equal me kicking your ass.

=== ''Kitty's Birthday (That's Today!?)'' [3.17] ===
:''[Red and Eric have taken Kitty square dancing to make up for missing her birthday]''
:'''Eric''': This is awful.
:'''Donna''': She made me waffles, now promenade you son of a bitch!

=== ''The Trials of Michael Kelso'' [3.18] ===
:'''Fez''': While we were getting beat up, I think I got to second base.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The guys are awaiting their beating in the rival school's locker room]''
:'''Eric''': Now instead of feeling scared and anxious, I feel relaxed, and...relaxed.
:'''Fez''': I know we're probably gonna get beaten, but it was worth it. Because we showed we have tremendous school spirit. ''[starts sobbing]'' Go Vikings!
:'''Hyde''': School spirit is for losers, man. You're just, like, floating along on a conveyor belt of conformity. Pep rallies, extracurricular activities, washing your hair. It's all just a trap, man! 
:'''Eric''': Yeah, Fez. It's one thing to root for a football team, but to confuse the Point Place Vikings with a sense of personal identity? That's just...relaxing. ''[starts laughing hysterically]'' We're all gonna die tomorrow!

=== ''Eric's Naughty No-No'' [3.19] ===
:''[The guys talk about the X-rated film they saw earlier]''
:'''Eric''': Okay, so did anyone besides me think that some of the guys in that movie were not completely...average? Like, you know, way, way...above average?
:'''Hyde''': Well, you don't go into that line of work when you're below average. You just pray some hot, redheaded neighbor girl likes you for your personality.
:'''Fez''': What are you talking about? Those men were ''completely'' average. In fact, I found the guy with the mustache downright puny.
:'''Kelso''': See now, Fez, that's not honest. I mean, we all know you're small in the pants. What I'm saying is, from here on in, I'm only telling the truth. In fact, I'm gonna come clean to Jackie about everything!
:'''Fez''': Fine. You want honesty? I'll give you honesty. We are ''all'' small in the pants!
:'''Hyde''': Kelso...this might be your best idea ever. You know what? You should make a list of all the lies you've ever told to Jackie. And I'll help you. So all's I really want is for you to be happy.
:'''Eric''': You guys, honestly. You don't think Donna's, you know...bored, right? 'Cause those guys in the movie, they didn't do the same move twice. And I've done the same move, like...always.
:'''Kelso''': I'll bet they go to a special school or something. I mean, they're like doctors at doing it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Kitty and her sister, Paula, patch their differences]''
:'''Paula Sigurdson''': Kitty, would you like a makeover?
:'''Kitty''': Oh, I really would.
:'''Paula''': Okay!
:'''Kitty''': ''[apprehensive]'' I wouldn't look like a whore, would I?

=== ''Holy Craps!'' [3.20] ===
:''[Kitty's not happy that Red, Eric, Hyde and Kelso joined the church fundraiser and rigged all the games]''
:'''Kitty''': Oh wonderful, I started out in God's magic circle and ended up in Satan's evil square. I can't believe any of you would walk into church without bursting into flames.

=== ''Fez Dates Donna'' [3.21] ===
:'''Red''': ''[notices Bob in his driveway]'' Need something, Bob?
:'''Bob''': Well, it's a funny thing. The wife and I are taking out a second mortgage on the house. ...Well, that's not the funny part, 'cause we're pretty much destitute.
:'''Red''': It's a little bit funny, Bob.
:'''Bob''': Anyways, I'm looking at the deed to the property, and the map shows that I own a couple feet of your driveway, and a little bit of your garage.
:'''Red''': How'd you like to own a little bit of my foot in your ass?
:'''Bob''': I wouldn't to be quite honest. 
:'''Red''': It's free!

=== ''Eric's Drunken Tattoo'' [3.22] ===
:'''Donna''': Take off your pants.
:'''Eric''': All right!
:'''Donna''': No! So I can see your tattoo!
:'''Eric''': I knew that. I think you're really gonna like it. Just don't be mad if it says... &quot;Debbie.&quot; ''[pulls down his pants and shows his tattoo]''
:'''Donna''': Woodstock.
:'''Eric''': It says &quot;Woodstock&quot;?
:'''Donna''': No, it's a picture of Snoopy's friend Woodstock! ''[laughs]'' You have a little yellow bird on your ass!

=== ''Canadian Road Trip'' [3.23] ===
:'''Mountie #1''': What are you doing in Canada?
:'''Leo''': What are ''you'' doing in Canada? ''[Mounties look at each other]''
:'''Hyde''': We're part of an elite high school terrorist team. Strike Force Wisconsin! ''[Raises hands]'' 
:'''Eric''': Uh, we just came here to get the beer. And I love Rush. Fly By Night! Ow! [raises arm]''
:'''Kelso''': Well, if ham's Canadian bacon, then what the hell do you call bacon?
:'''Fez''': Me no speakas English.
:'''Mountie #1''': What's your business in Canada?
:'''Leo''': What's ''your'' business in Canada? ''[Mounties look at each other]''
:'''Eric''': We're... getting beer.
:'''Kelso''': Every once in a while, do you ever get an American nickel in your change? ''[Looks at both mounties in turn]''
:'''Fez''': Me no understando.
:'''Mountie #2''': What's your reason for coming to Canada, eh?
:'''Leo''': What's ''your'' re-
:'''Mountie #1''' Shut up!
:'''Hyde''': Yeah, I'm here to nail [[w:Margaret Trudeau|Margaret Trudeau.]]
:'''Mountie #1''': Been there.
:'''Mountie #2''': Done that.
:'''Eric''': Beer. ''[Pause]'' Beer! BEER!
:'''Kelso''': Are those snowshoes hard to walk in? They're tennis rackets, aren't they?
:'''Fez''': Wee foobie dibbie doobie.
:'''Mountie #1''': Wee foobie...
:'''Mountie #2''': Dibbie doobie...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mountie #2''': Now, Leave Canada Please. ''[The boys and Leo walk out, with Leo doing one last retort]''
:'''Leo''': ''You'' Leave Canada Please.

=== ''Backstage Pass'' [3.24] ===
:''[Fez shows off Ted Nugent shirts he printed for 50 dollars but is curious to why he got called out by Hyde for printing TAD NUGENT]''
:'''Hyde''': Because the shirt says Tad.
:'''Fez''': Exactly!
:'''Hyde''': But the A should be an E!
:'''Fez''': Well that's not how you spell Tad.
:'''Hyde''': No that's how you spell Ted.
:'''Fez''': ''[Realizing his mistake]'' Ooohhh...
:'''Hyde''': ''[gets shirt from Fez and dumps it in the bag]'' These shirts are useless, now Forman's out 50 bucks!

=== ''The Promise Ring'' [3.25] ===
:'''Kelso''': A promise ring is not only a gift from the heart, but it also means more sex and less mouthin' off. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At the Forman house garage, Eric and Donna talk about their relationship, which has taken a bad turn.]''
:'''Donna''': If we're meant to be together, then we'll end up together.
:'''Eric''': No. The way we end up together is by saying we'll be together and then...being together.
:'''Donna''': Eric come on, we're together '''now'''. Isn't that enough? 
:'''Eric''': NO! I mean ''[walks away then faces Donna]'' I mean, DAMN Donna! If you can see a future for yourself without me, and that doesn't, like, break your heart, then we're not doing what I thought we're doing here and you know what? Maybe we shouldn't even be together at all!
:'''Donna''': ''[after short pause]'' Are you breaking up with me?
:'''Eric''': Are you giving back that ring?
:'''Donna''': Yes.
:'''Eric''': Then, yes. ''[Donna leaves ring on hood.]''

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:That '70s Show seasons]]</text>
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    <title>A-Haunting We Will Go (1942 film)</title>
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        <username>Kaltenmeyer</username>
        <id>359014</id>
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'''''[[w:A-Haunting We Will Go (1942 film)|A-Haunting We Will Go]]''''' is a [[w:1942 in film|1942 film]] about two men who are recruited by a gang of thugs to get a coffin across the country so as to acquire an [[inheritance]].
:''Directed by [[w:Alfred L. Werker|Alfred L. Werker]]. Written by [[w:Lou Breslow|Lou Breslow]].''

{{film-stub}}
== Oliver Hardy ==
* ''[to Stan]'' It's better to spend one night with a corpse than 60 days with the cops.

* ''[to Stan]'' Well, here's another nice predicament you've gotten me into.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Stan Laurel''': How about some dinner? I'm getting hungry.
:'''Oliver Hardy''': Don't be so greedy. We just split a hamburger, and besides we can eat in Dayton for half of what it costs us in the diner.
:'''Stan Laurel''': I know, but I'll be twice as hungry in the morning.
:'''Oliver Hardy''': ''[with finality]'' Don't bicker!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Oliver Hardy''': ''[to the con men]'' Thank you! Two princes!
:'''Stan Laurel''': A pair of kings!
:'''Parker''': ''[referring to Stan and Ollie]'' A couple of jerks!

== Cast ==
* [[w:Stan Laurel|Stan Laurel]] — Stanley
* [[w:Oliver Hardy|Oliver Hardy]] — Ollie
* [[w:Harry August Jansen|Harry August Jansen]] — Dante The Magician
* [[w:Sheila Ryan|Sheila Ryan]] — Margo
* John Shelton — Tommy White
* [[w:Don Costello|Don Costello]] — Doc Lake
* [[w:Elisha Cook Jr.|Elisha Cook Jr.]] — Frank Lucas
* [[w:Edward Gargan|Edward Gargan]] — Police Lt. Foster
* [[w:Addison Richards|Addison Richards]] — Attorney Malcolm Kilgore
* [[w:George Lynn (actor)|George Lynn]] — Darby Mason
* [[w:James Bush (actor)|James Bush]] — Joe Morgan
* Lou Lubin — Dixie Beeler

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0034424|title=A-Haunting We Will}}
* {{Amg movie|id=83006|title=A-Haunting We Will}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Haunting We Will Go}}
[[Category:1942 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Laurel and Hardy films]]</text>
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    <title>The Jimmy Timmy Power Hour Specials</title>
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      <text bytes="18839" xml:space="preserve">{{wikipedia|The Jimmy Timmy Power Hour}}
'''''[[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius]]''''' and '''''[[The Fairly OddParents]]''''' crossover specials

==''Jimmy Timmy Power Hour''==
:'''Crocker''': Hey, there's no child in pain here… '''BUT THERE'S GOING TO BE!!!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Slight plasma leak. Better get a mini-laser. ''[walks to the shelf and grabs a mini-laser, sees Timmy sitting at his desk chair, wearing the Brain Drain Helmet as he walks back]'' HEY! Who the heck are you?!
:'''Timmy''': ''[singing crazily]'' ♫ I'm loopy! I'm loopy! ♫
:'''Jimmy''': What are you doing?! That thing's dangerous! ''[grabs the helmet's control module, making Timmy regain consciousness, takes the helmet off before taking it from him]'' Give me that! How did you get in my lab, anyway?
:'''Timmy''': Ha! ''Your'' lab? Sorry, dude, ''[gets off the desk and walks towards the invention shelf]'' I got dibs on this place. One of these gizmos is gonna win me first prize at the science fair. ''[takes Jimmy's hypercube of the shelf]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[takes the cube out of Timmy's hands]'' CAREFUL WITH THAT!
:'''Timmy''': ''[gets in Jimmy's face]'' Look, Baron Von Bighead. ''[grabs the cube back]'' Get of my back! Which is now bulgy.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[takes the cube back]'' Listen closely, Beaver Boy, try to follow what I'm saying. Everything in this lab is ''mine--'' This helmet. This shrink ray. ''[puts both his inventions into the cube, walks over to his desk, takes the Poofer off the keypad mistaking it for a mini-laser]'' Even this mini-laser.
:'''Timmy''': Oh, yeah?! Well-- ''[instantly slips on and gets sucked into the Hypercube]''
:'''Jimmy''': Ha! Serves you right! ''[looks at Poofer]'' Hey, wait a minute. This isn't my Mini-Laser. ''[pats the star against his hand and unknowingly presses the button on it, causing him to disappear in a cloud reading &quot;Poof again!&quot;]''
:'''Timmy''': ''[sticks his head out of the cube and struggles his way out]'' I meant to do that. Hey, where'd he go? Must have scared him off. Which means…I finally got the greatest lab in the universe – all to myself!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[An alert alarm goes off as Timmy sees Carl and Sheen falling from the tube above and they gasp at him]''
:'''Timmy''': Come on. First that selfish crabby kid poofs in here, and now you two? Is ''everybody'' wishing they were in the greatest lab in the universe?!
:'''Carl''': This lab belongs to Jimmy.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Judy''': James Issac Neutron! Look at this mess. Honestly, Jimmy.
:'''Timmy''': My name is Timmy! ''&quot;Timmy!&quot;'' I think people in your dimension use &quot;J&quot; instead of a &quot;T.&quot; Jeez, what a &quot;jwit.&quot;
:'''Judy''': Oh, so now we're Mr. Smarty Mouth. Well, that's it, young man. You're grounded!
:'''Timmy''': ''[confused]'' What'd I do?
:'''Sheen''': Mind I suggest the Hypno Beam?
:'''Carl''': Ooh, excellent choice.
:'''Judy''': Didn't you hear me? I said, you're--
:'''Timmy''': ''[uses Jimmy's Hypno Beam, hypnotizing her]'' I can bend others to my will! Cool! You think you're- Mighty Mom!
:'''Judy''': ''[under hypnosis]'' Quickly spinning around, Judy Neutron transforms herself into… MIGHTY MOM!!! Super powered hero of domestic order! My hyper domestic senses detect dirt, danger, and dirt! Vacuum cleaner powered flight: activate! Hoosh! ''[runs off, bumping into something and breaking it and she puffs up]'' I'll clean that up.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy''': I'm telling you, [[w:Susan B. Anthony|Susan B. Anthony]] could totally kick [[w:Marie Curie|Madame Curie's]] butt.
:'''Libby''': Not if she was tag-teamed with [[w:Harriet Tubman|Harriet Tubman]].
:'''Timmy''': INCOMING! ''[crashes into the girls]'' That could have gone better.
:'''Cindy''': Neutron, you dolt! Why don't you look where you're flying?
:'''Libby''': Hey, that's not Neutron-- the head's too small.
:'''Cindy''': And that overbite could crack open a sea turtle.
:'''Timmy''': HEY!
:'''Cindy''': Let me guess, you must be one of Neutron's online, 3D chess club pals. Great. Just what this town needs-- another big-brained chess geek.
:'''Timmy''': Look, I said I was sorry!
:'''Cindy''': Too late, Pawn-to-king-duh!
:'''Timmy''': It wasn't my fault. The controls are very complicated.
:'''Cindy''': Maybe to a hamster.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Turner Residence; Jimmy has poofed into Timmy's bedroom, now in 2D style]''
:'''Jimmy''': Pukin' plutonium! My hands. My arms! My depth! It's gone! ''[looks around]'' W-Where am I? That buck-tooth kid must've used this to teleport me out of my own lab! I gotta get back to Goddard! If I'm not there to monitor his tune-up, the atomic transmutation could run wild! There's got to be some sort of instruction manual for this teleportation pen in here.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Timmy wishes for himself and Jimmy to go home; they meet up with each other and shake hands]''
:'''Jimmy''': Jimmy Neutron, boy genius.
:'''Timmy''': Timmy Turner, uh…boy!
:'''Jimmy''': Thanks for saving my dog.
:'''Timmy''': Thanks for saving my… uh…
:'''Jimmy''': Fairy programs?
:''[Both change back to their usual 2D/3D forms.]'' 
:'''Timmy''': Sure, fairy programs. Sorry I was such a jerk.
:'''Jimmy''': No problem. We geniuses have to stick together.
:'''Timmy''': Uh, between you and me, I'm not really all that smart.
:'''Jimmy''': I know, I kinda figured that out when I saw all the F's.
:'''Cindy''': ''[Sticks her head out the Retroville portal and gasps]'' I'll never forget you, Timmy Turner! Never! Wait for me! WAIT FOR ME!!!
:'''Jimmy''': Cindy, I know you've been through a lot the past few hours, but, um… GET OUT OF MY LAB!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Timmy''': Thanks, boy genius.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[touched]'' Aw, don't mention it, average kid who no one understands.

==''Jimmy Timmy Power Hour 2: When Nerds Collide!''==
:'''Timmy''': We made it! We're in Retroville!
:'''Wanda''': Oh, dear. This universe makes my hips look fat.
:'''Cosmo''': What universe doesn't?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': How does he keep building stuff so fast?!
:'''Cosmo''': Hi, fudge-head!
:'''Wanda''': Quiet! We're in disguise! I mean… tick-tick-tick-tick… It's over, isn't it?
:'''Jimmy''': Your reality-bending computer programs, of course! ''That's'' how you're doing all this!
:'''Timmy''': So what?! You've got your stupid science stuff. And I've got Cosmo and Wanda.
:'''Cosmo''': Um, can I just say one thing?
:'''Timmy''': Sure.
:'''Cosmo''': '''''MOUNTAIN!!!!!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Jimmy, Carl, Sheen, and Libby fly out of the portal, arriving in Dimmsdale in their 2D styles]''
:'''Sheen''': ''[looking at his appearance]'' Whoa! Look at me! I'm totally flat! And you, my dear…
:'''Libby''': Don't even go there.
:'''Carl''': So, where do you think Cindy and Timmy are, Jimmy?
:'''Jimmy''': Don't know, we'll have to split up. But be careful, this Turner's a wily one.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[using a hose to wash his hands]'' Never be clean, never be clean… ''[sees Professor Calamitous flying in the sky]'' Professor Calamitous?! ''[finds his hypercube with Professor Calamitous' To-Do List and picks it up]'' My hypercube? &quot;To-Do List: 1) Travel to parallel universe. 2) Capture big tooth's flying helpers. 3) Destroy Neutron!&quot; So, he's after Turner's computer programs.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Timmy''': Oh, no! They're suffering wish-overload! Libby, you've got to wish Cosmo and Wanda back to me.
:'''Jimmy''': Why you? ''I'm'' the genius here.
:'''Timmy''': Look, Brain Boy, they're my programs and I know how to make them work! ''[to Cindy; sincere]'' Listen, Cindy. I know some of this is my fault, even though most of it is Neutron's, but all I ever wanted was to take you to the dance.
:'''Libby''': These boys are ''still'' fighting over you?
:'''Cindy''': ''[giggles]'' Oh, are they? I hadn't noticed. Go ahead. Give Timmy his programs back.
:'''Libby''': I wish… Timmy… had Cosmo and Wanda back!
:'''Timmy''': I wish that every wish that Carl, Sheen, and Libby made didn't happen, and they were all back to their old selves.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy''': Nice work, guys! You both did a great job!
:'''Timmy''': ''[scoffs]'' ''Him?'' It was ''my'' net that saved us!
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pushes Timmy aside]'' No, Cindy, it was ''my'' Hypercube!
:'''Timmy''': I'm Cindy's hero!
:'''Jimmy''': No, ''I'm'' Cindy's hero!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Professor Calamitous''': ''[combined with Jorgen, in Retroville]'' Oh, joy! Having a magical collaberator has allowed my to accomplish every item on my new to-do list. I've terroized the inhabitants with prehistoric creatures, imprisoned Jimmy's loved ones in [[Star Wars|carbonite]], and prepared a delicious picnic lunch to nourish my strapping new body.
:'''Jorgen''': Bleh! This sandwich is unacceptable! Sourdough is the lowest form of bread.
:'''Professor Calamitous''': ''[sternly]'' You'll eat it '''and''' you'll like it.
:'''Jorgen''': This- indignity- will be avenged! ''[eats sandwich]'' Mmm, spicy mustard.
:'''Cindy''': ''[thinking Jimmy and Timmy are dead]'' My 2 favorite people are gone, and now you're probably gonna get rid of me!
:'''Professor Calamitous''': Ah, a gentleman would never harm a lady. Besides, I need you so you can witness this. ''[poofs up a giant bomb]'' I call it my Big Bang Bomb! It has an explosion so powerful, it will rip the very fabric of time! The Earth will revert to its original state, allowing me to remake it in my own glorious image. ''[laughs evilly]''
:'''Jorgen''': You madman! ''[pause]'' Could you please pass the pickle relish?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Chip Skylark's &quot;My Shiny Teeth and Me&quot; song plays in a multi-dimensinal [[Friday the 13th]] dance between Retroville and Dimmsdale]''
:'''Cindy''': I'm having a great time, Neutron.
:'''Jimmy''': Me too, Cindy. I'm glad you could spend the dance time with me.
:'''Timmy''': Mind if I cut in?
:''[Timmy pulls Cindy into Dimsdale]''
:'''Jimmy''': Hey! The upbeat groovy dances were mine!
:'''Dimsdale Libby''': I can't belive we're jamming at the first ever multi-dimensinal dance party!
:'''Sheen''': (''Switches between Retroville and Dimsdale'') Yeah, look! I'm flat! I'm bulgy! I'm flat! I'm bulgy!
:''[Carl whispers in Retroville Wanda's ear. Wanda, shakingly, transforms professor calamitous into Judy Neutron]''
:'''Carl''': (''suavely'') Hi, Mrs. Neutron!
:'''Retroville Cosmo''': Whoo, yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy''': ''[as Jimmy and Timmy pull her back and forth]'' Boys, boys, please! This fighting over me has got to stop.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sheen''': DANCE, TITO! DANCE!!!

==''Jimmy Timmy Power Hour 3: The Jerkinators!''==
:''[Jimmy and Timmy have defeated Eustace Strych as he's put in a police car, going to jail]''
:'''Timmy''': Man, that was awesome! I can't believe you used science to transmute his gasoline into sugar water, deactivate his missiles, and give him chicken pox!
:'''Jimmy''': And I can't believe you used Cosmo and Wanda to fill his cockpit with bees, turn his assistant into a pig, and fill his shorts with hot fudge!
:'''Eustace''': I CAN STILL FEEL THE BURNS!
:'''Jimmy''': That was almost too easy.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Chester and A.J. walk out of the portal, now in 3D style]''
:'''A.J.''': Huh? I'm bulgy now? Is there no end to the surprises of the 21st century?
:'''Sheen''': Hey, I know you guys. You're Timmy's friends.
:'''Chester''': Not anymore. He's blowning us off for your friend Jimmy.
:'''Carl''': And Jimmy blew us off with your friend Timmy.
:'''Sheen''': I hate the new Jimmy-Timmy friendship! We have to do something to break them up.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Libby''': ''[hugs Cindy]'' Cindy, you're back! ''[curiously suspicious]'' Why are you back?
:'''Cindy''': Oh. My mom had an allergic reaction to her seaweed wrap. She'll be fine once the grotesque swelling subsides. ''[sees Chester and A.J.]'' What are these two guys doing here?
:'''A.J.''': Greetings from the 21st century!
:'''Chester''': We followed Timmy to your universe. Your friend, Jimmy must've zapped him with some sort of &quot;forget-who-your-friends-are&quot; ray, because he's acting like we don't exist anymore.
:'''Cindy''': ''[excited surprised gasp]'' Timmy's in town?
:'''Sheen''': Yeah. And now that he and Jimmy are best buds, it's like ''we'' don't exist either!
:'''Libby''': And without Jimmy to keep them company, Needy and Needier have been sticking to me like stink on a skunk. So now that you're back, you can get Neutron and Turner fighting again so everything can go back to normal!
:'''Cindy''': Oh, you can bet they won't ignore me. I'm like catnip to those boys.
:'''Sheen''': ''[gasps]'' They poop on you in a box?!
:'''Cindy''': That's kitty litter, you idiot!

&lt; 
Lemme in, Neutron! Lemme in! 

&lt; 
Timmy? Where are you? 

&lt; 
Hi, Libby. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Shirley''': ''[captures Jimmy]'' You think you're so special; well, what if I took away what makes you so special, like your genius?
:'''Jimmy''': And how do you propose to do that?! {drains Jimmy's brainpower away while gripping him with his tentacles}
:'''Shirley''': Einstein's Theory of Relativity describes that energy equals mass times times the square root of the speed of light. The P in 'pneumonia' is silent, and all-day soccer rounds last about 22.3 hours. I AM a genius! ''[hurls Jimmy away]''
:'''Jimmy''': 1 jails to make ball scale arts…. Well, now you're in for it. I have my tools right here, so I can build something to- {notices a monster trucks ad} Monster Truck Rally! Oh no! My brainpower is almost gone. But who cares? The big trucks is gonna eat the little trucks! 
:'''Wanda''': Now, he's a villain and a genius! 
:'''Wanda''': We're humans! 

&lt;hr wdith=50%&gt; 
:'''Carl''': You guys are cool. AJ, you're like Jimmy without the goofy hair. 
:'''Sheen''': Yeah! And Chester here knows everything there is about roadkill. 
:'''Chester''': Now, remember, that meat is more sweet, when it's flatten on the street. 
:'''AJ''': As for me, I love that even though you're both from the future, I'm much smarter than both of you. 
:'''Timmy''': ''[runs up with his fairies and Jimmy, panicked]'' Guys, guy! We need your help! The villain we invited stole Jimmy's genius. 
:'''Jimmy''': And de-powered... Name? 
:'''Timmy''': Timmy!  
:'''Jimmy''': And de-powered Timmy!  
:'''Cindy''': Beat it, you guys!  
:'''Libby''': Yeah, take a hike, chumps! 
:'''Timmy''': No, we're serious! There's a crazy, dimentional monster on the loose and we need your help! 
:''[AJ, Chester, Sheen, Carl, Libby, and Cindy all just walk away, having to be ignored by Jimmy and Timmy earlier]'' 
:'''Carl''': Uh, yeah, whatever. See ya. 
:'''Cindy and Libby''': Not my problem. 
:'''Sheen''': Yeah, right, dude!  
:'''Timmy''': Well, that could've gone better. 
:'''Wanda''': Well, I'm not surprised. You weren't very nice to them, you know?  
:'''Jimmy and Timmy''': We weren't? 
:'''Cosmo''': What did I tell ya? Idiots! 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:''[Shirley is in Retroville trying to grab people's attention]'' 
:'''Shirley''': Pardon me, have you seen-? 
:'''Sam''': Outta my way, freak boy! 
:'''Shirley''': Ma'am, if I can just ask you, a moment of your time! ''[uses his powers to suck everyone over to him]'' Where are the ones called Jimmy and Timmy? 
:'''Hugh''': Never heard of 'em! Uh, we don't even have a son named Jimmy, if that's what you're thinking.
:'''Shirley''': Very well. If you won't bring them froth, I'll make them come to me! 
:''[Shirley has poofed all the people of Retroville to his dimension, all flat in 2D style]''
:'''Hugh''': Hey, look, honey, I've lost weight! And depth.
:'''Shirley''': Ahh. This is better. Welcome to your new home. I call it, &quot;RetroDimmsdaleville!&quot; This is just like the place where I was born. But here, ''I'' make the rules! ''[the Retroville citizens scream and start to run away]'' Hey, where are you guys going?
:'''Sam''': Nowhere.
:'''Hugh''': We weren't trying to ditch you if that's what you were thinking.
:'''Judy''': Yes, we were. You specifically said, &quot;Let's ditch the villain.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy''': ''[to Shirley]'' What are you gonna do with them?
:''' Shirley''': Giving them a front row seat to the destruction of both of their universes! ''[casually]'' You have 2 days to live; enjoy yourselves and have a blast! Oh, and here's a portal in case you want to save yourselves and come hang with me. ''[poofs up a portal to his dimension]''
:'''Wanda''': Oh, no! He's gonna destroy everything.
:'''Cosmo''': I wanna go home!
:'''A.J.''': I wanna go back to the 21st Century; where I'll still have 200 years to live.
:'''Sheen''': I wanna see the monster trucks! The big trucks is gonna eat the little trucks!
:'''Chester''': Sorry, dude. That's 3 days from now. The universe will be gone by then. ''[Sheen cries out in agony]''
:'''Shirley''': Oops, almost forgot! ''[poofs the sign for Dimmsdale into his dimension, and laughs menacingly]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hugh''': I kinda like it. Look at me, I'm as limber as a schoolgirl!
:'''Mr. Turner''': Did you know you have a mole on your ankle?
:'''Judy''': ''[annoyed]'' Do I know you?
:'''Mr. Turner''': ''[to his wife]'' Why don't you have a mole on ''your'' ankle?
:'''Mrs. Turner''': I demand to speak to the person in charge!
:'''Shirley''': ''[drops down]'' You rang?
:'''Hugh''': Uh, yes. We were all sort of hoping we could go home now.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Carl''': I suppose I could live here. I like my new trimmed figure.
:'''Cindy''': We're not living here, we just have to get the villain to listen to reason.
:'''Mr. Crocker''': Why won't you listen to reason?!
:'''Shirley''': ''[holding him, Mr. Turner, and Judy]'' It's my universe. I don't have to. Crazy teacher, crazy teacher. Dad, dad. Mom, mom. I win again!
:'''Cindy''': Uh, on second thought, we might wanna start coming up with a plan.
:'''Shirley''': Oh, I'm bored. Time to play Cards Screaming in Terror!
:'''Sheen''': Look out! It's raining authority figures I don't respect!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cindy''': Say it again.
:'''Jimmy''': You're smarter than me.
:'''Cindy''': Again.
:'''Jimmy''': You're smarter than me.
:'''Cindy''': No. Say IT again.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' That's the pretty girl…
:'''Cindy''': Okay. Give him his brain back.

==External links==
* {{imdb title|ch0033574|The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Jimmy Timmy Power Hour Specials, The}}
[[Category:2004 films]]
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[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:American flash animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Animated television films]]
[[Category:Crossover animated films]]
[[Category:Films based on animated television series]]
[[Category:The Fairly OddParents films]]
[[Category:Nickelodeon films]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>The Young Pope</title>
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'''''[[w:The Young Pope|The Young Pope]]''''' is an English-language Italian [[w:Drama (film and television)|drama]] [[w:Television program|television series]] created and directed by [[Paolo Sorrentino]] for [[w:Sky Atlantic|Sky Atlantic]], [[w:HBO|HBO]], and [[w:Canal+|Canal+]]. The series, staring [[Jude Law]] and [[w:Diane Keaton|Diane Keaton]], follows the papacy of Pius XIII, born Lenny Belardo, which shows himself as a controversial pope and absolutely unkeen to be controlled.
== Season 1 ==

===Episode 1===
: '''Pope Pius XIII''': What have we forgotten? We have forgotten God! You! You have forgotten God! I want to be very clear with you. You have to be closer to God than to each other. I am closer to God than I am to you. You need to know I will never be close to you, because everyone is alone before God. I have nothing to say to those who have even the slightest doubt about God. All I can do is remind them of my scorn and their wretchedness. I don’t have to prove that God exists. It is up to you to prove that he doesn’t. Are you capable of proving that God does not exist? If you aren’t able to prove it that means God does exist. God exists. And he isn’t interested in us until we become interested in him—in him exclusively. You understand what I’m saying? Exclusively! Twenty-four hours a day your hearts and minds filled only with God, there’s no room for anything else, no room for free will, no room for liberty, no room for emancipation. “Free yourself from God,” I’ve heard people say, “liberate yourself from God.” But the pain of liberation is unbearable, sharp enough to kill. Without God, you’re as good as dead: dead, abandoned strays wandering the streets.
===Episode 8===
:'''Pope Pius XIII''': We are all guilty; we are all guilty of war and death. Always. In the same way, we can all be guilty of peace. Always. I ask this of you on bended knee: '''I'm ready to die for you, if only you will become guilty of peace. I always say to the children who write me from all over the world: &quot;Think about all the things you like. That is God.&quot; Children like all sorts of things, but none of them has ever written that what they like is war.''' Now look at whoever is next to you. Look at them with eyes of joy and remember what St. Augustine said: &quot;If you want to see God, you have the means to do it. God is love. &quot; I, on the other hand, won't speak to you about God until there is peace. Because God is peace. And peace is God. Give me peace, and I'll give you God. You don't know how wonderful peace is. You have no idea how disconcerting peace can be. But I know. Because I saw it when I was eight years old on the banks of a river in Colorado, peace.

=== Episode 9 ===
:'''Lenny Belardo''': What is more beautiful, my love? Love lost or love found? Don’t laugh at me, my love. I know it, I’m awkward and naïve, when it comes to love and I ask questions straight out of a pop song. This doubt overwhelms me and undermines me, my love. To find or to lose? All around me, people don’t stop yearning. Did they lose or did they find? I can’t say. An orphan has no way of knowing. An orphan lacks a first love. The love for his mama and papa. That’s the source of his awkwardness, his naïveté. You said to me, on that deserted beach in California: “You can touch my legs”. But I didn’t do it. There, my love, is love lost.&lt;br&gt;That’s why I never stop wondering since: where you’ve been? And where you are now? And you, shining gleam of my misspend youth, did you lose or did you find? I don’t know. And I will never know. I can’t even remember your name, my love. And I don’t have the answer. But this is how I like to imagine it, the answer. In the end, my love, we have no choice. We have to find.

== Cast ==
* [[Jude Law]] - Pope Pius XIII (born Lenny Belardo)
* [[w:Diane Keaton|Diane Keaton]] - Sister Mary
* [[w:Silvio Orlando|Silvio Orlando]] - Cardinal Angelo Voiello
* [[w:Javier Cámara|Javier Cámara]] - Monsignor Bernardo Gutierrez
* [[w:Scott Shepherd (actor)|Scott Shepherd]] - Cardinal Andrew Dussolier
* [[w:Cécile de France|Cécile de France]] - Sofia
* [[w:Ludivine Sagnier|Ludivine Sagnier]] - Esther
* [[w:Toni Bertorelli|Toni Bertorelli]] - Cardinal Caltanissetta
* [[James Cromwell]] - Cardinal Michael Spencer

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|3655448|The Young Pope}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Young Pope, The}}
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Italian TV shows]]
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    <title>Avatar: The Last Airbender (season 2)</title>
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----
:'''Seasons:''' [[Avatar: The Last Airbender (season 1)|1]] [[Avatar: The Last Airbender (season 2) |2]] [[Avatar: The Last Airbender (season 3)|3]] | [[Avatar: The Last Airbender|Main]] | ''[[The Legend of Korra]]'' ([[The Legend of Korra (season 1)|1]] [[The Legend of Korra (season 2)|2]] [[The Legend of Korra (season 3)|3]] [[The Legend of Korra (season 4)|4]])
----
The following is a list of quotes from the second season ''[[Avatar: The Last Airbender]]''.

===The Avatar State===
:'''Captain''': Princess, I'm afraid the tides will not allow us to bring the ship into port before nightfall.
:'''Azula''':  I'm sorry, Captain, but I do not know much about the tides.  Can you explain something to me?
:'''Captain''':  Of course, Your Highness.
:'''Azula''':  Do the ''tides'' command this ship?
:'''Captain''':  Um... I'm afraid I don't understand.
:'''Azula''':  You said the tides would not allow us to bring the ship in.  ''Do'' the tides command this ship?
:'''Captain''': ...No, Princess.
:'''Azula''': And, if I were to have you thrown overboard, would the tides think twice about smashing you against the rocky shore?
:'''Captain''': ''[nervously]''... No, Princess.
:'''Azula''':  Well, then maybe you should worry less about the tides, who've already made up their mind about killing you, and worry more about ''me'', who's still mulling it over.
:'''Captain''': I'll put us in.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[General Fong and his men are attacking Aang in attempt to force him into the Avatar State.  Katara attacks some of the Earthbenders with her waterbending]''
:'''Fong''': (''to Aang'') Maybe ''you'' can avoid me... but ''she'' can't.
:''[Katara launches a water attack at Fong, but he deflects it with earth and causes her to sink into the ground up to her knees]''
:'''Katara''': Aah! I can't move!?
:'''Aang''': (''angry and frightened'') Don't hurt her! 
:''[He airbends at Fong, who deflects it]''
:'''Sokka''': Katara, no!?
:''[He tries to help her, but Fong uses earthbending to knocks him off his ostrich-horse]''
:'''Aang''': (''grabs Fong's arm'') Stop this!  You have to let her go!
:'''Fong''': You could ''save'' her if you were in the Avatar State!
:'''Aang''': (''tearfully'') I'm trying!?  I'm ''trying!?''
:'''Katara''': Aang, I'm sinking!?
:''[She sinks up to her waist]''
:'''Fong''': I don't see any glowing! (''he sinks Katara up to her neck'')
:'''Katara''': Aah!! Please!?
:'''Aang''': You don't have to do this!?
:'''Fong''': Apparently... I ''do''.
''[He closes his fist, and Katara is buried completely; Aang leaps to pull her out, but is too late.  He turns towards Fong, his face full of rage and his tattoos and eyes glowing, indicating that he has entered the Avatar State]''
:'''Fong''': It worked!  It worked!
:''[His expression turns to fear as a massive cyclone of wind begins to form around Aang]''

===The Cave of Two Lovers===
:'''Iroh''': Zuko, remember that plant that I thought might be tea? 
:'''Zuko''': You didn't!
:'''Iroh''': I did. ''[Iroh turns around to reveal his red, swollen face which he is scratching]'' And it wasn't.  
:'''Zuko''': Yah!
:'''Iroh''': When the rash spreads to my throat, I will stop breathing. But look what I found! These are bacui berries, known to cure the poison of the white jade plant. That, or macahoni berries that cause blindness. 
:'''Zuko''': We're not taking any more chances with these plants! We need to get help.
:'''Iroh''': But where are we going to go? We're enemies of the Earth Kingdom, and fugitives from the Fire Nation. 
:'''Zuko''': If the Earth Kingdom discovers us, they'll have us killed. 
:'''Iroh''': But if the Fire Nation discovers us, we'll be turned over to Azula. 
:''[Both look at one another and nod]''
:'''Zuko''': Earth Kingdom it is. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Katara''': I have a crazy idea...
:'''Aang''': What?
:'''Katara''': Never mind. It's too crazy.
:'''Aang''': Katara, what is it?
:'''Katara''': ''(looking away)'' I was thinking... the curse says we'll be trapped in here forever unless we trust in love.
:'''Aang''': Right.
:'''Katara''': And here it says &quot;love is brightest in the dark&quot; and...has a picture of them kissing...
:'''Aang''': ''(clueless)'' Where are you going with this?
:'''Katara''': Well...what if we kissed?
:'''Aang''': ''(shocked)'' Us kissing?!
:'''Katara''': See? It was a crazy idea.
:'''Aang''':  Us...''(dreamily)'' kissing.
:'''Katara''': ''(laughing)'' Us, kissing. What was I thinking? Can you imagine that?
:'''Aang''': Yeah.''(laughs)'' I definitely wouldn't want to kiss you.
:'''Katara''': ''(slightly hurt)'' Well, I didn't realize it was such a horrible option! Sorry I suggested it!
:'''Aang''': No, I mean, if it was a choice between kissing you and dying-
:'''Katara''': ''(turning away from him)''Ugh!
:'''Aang''': What?! I'm saying I'd rather kiss you than die! That's a compliment! 
:'''Katara''': Well, I'm not sure which I'd rather do! ''(walks away)''
:'''Aang''': ''(sadly)'' What is wrong with me?

===Return to Omashu===
:'''Sokka''': ''[scared]'' ''AAAAHH!! YOU WON'T LET GO!! HELP!!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The little baby begins teething on Sokka's boomerang. Sokka takes it away.]''
:'''Sokka''': No! Bad Fire Nation baby! ''[The baby starts crying. Katara hits Sokka in the head.]'' OW!!
:'''Katara''': Sokka, don't do that!
:'''Sokka''': Oh, alright. ''[He gives his boomerang back to the baby to teeth on it. Katara hugs him from behind.]''
:'''Katara''': ''[baby voice]'' Oooh, you're so cute. Mmmm... ''[cut to resistance leader Yung observing the baby.]''
:'''Yung''': Sure, he's cute now... but when he's older, he'll join the Fire Nation army. You won't think he's so cute then. He'll be a killer.
:'''Katara''': ''[picks up the baby to Yung]'' Does ''that'' look like the face of a killer to you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after escaping from Azula, Aang confronts King Bumi inside a metal coffin about why he surrendered]''
:'''Aang''': I don't understand. Why didn't you free yourself? Why did you surrender when Omashu was invaded? What's the matter with you, Bumi?!
:'''King Bumi''': ''[calmly]'' Listen to me, Aang. There are options in fighting called jing. It's a choice of how you direct your energy.
:'''Aang''': I know! ''[counts with two fingers]'' There's positive jing when you're attacking, and negative jing when you're retreating.
:'''King Bumi''': And neutral jing, when you do nothing!
:'''Aang''': ''[suddenly surprised]'' There are ''three'' jings?
:'''King Bumi''': Well, technically there are eighty-five, but let's just focus on the third. Neutral jing is the key to earthbending. It involves listening and waiting for the right moment to strike.
:'''Aang''': That's why you surrendered, isn't it?
:'''King Bumi''': Yes, and it's why I can't leave now. ''[Aang sadly turns around, feeling disappointed]''
:'''Aang''': I guess I need to find someone else to teach me earthbending.
:'''King Bumi''': Your teacher will be someone who has mastered neutral jing. You need to find someone who ''waits and listens'' before striking. ''[Momo lands on Aang's shoulders]''
:'''Aang''': ''[happily]'' Hey, Momo!
:'''King Bumi''': Momo's mastered a few jings himself! ''[Momo screeches loudly at Bumi]'' Goodbye, Aang. I'll see you when the time is right.

===The Swamp===
:'''Katara''': Sokka, you've got an elbow leech!
:'''Sokka''': Where?! Where?!
:'''Katara''': Where do you think?
:''[He rips the leech off his elbow.]''
:'''Sokka''': WHY DO THINGS KEEP ATTACHING TO ME?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Huu''': ''[about the great banyan tree]'' See, this whole swamp is actually just one tree spread out over miles. Branches spread and sink, take root, and spread some more... One big living organism, just like the entire world.
:'''Aang''': I get how the tree is one big thing, but the whole world?
:'''Huu''': Sure. You think you're any different from me, or your friends, or this tree? If you listen hard enough, you can hear every living thing breathing together. You can feel everything growing. We are all living together, even if most folks don't act like it. We all have the same roots, and we are all branches of the same tree.
:'''Katara''': But what did our visions mean?
:'''Huu''': In the swamp, we see visions of people we've lost, people we loved, folks we think are gone. But the swamp tells us they're not. We're still connected to 'em. [[Time]] is an [[illusion]], and so is [[death]].
:'''Aang''': But what about my vision? It was someone I had never met.
:'''Huu''': You're the Avatar. You tell me.
:'''Aang''': ''[contemplates]'' Time is an illusion... So, it's someone I ''will'' meet.

===Avatar Day===
:'''Zuko''': There is no honor for me without the Avatar.
:'''Iroh''': Zuko, even if you did capture the Avatar, I'm not so sure it would solve our problems. Not now.
:'''Zuko''': Then there is no hope at all.
:'''Iroh''': No, Zuko! You must never give into despair. Allow yourself to slip down that road, and you surrender to your lowest instincts. In the darkest times, hope is something you give ''yourself''. That is the meaning of inner strength.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aang''': I said I would face justice, so I will. ''(spins Wheel of Punishment)''
:'''Spectator 1''': ''(rooting)'' Come on, torture machine!
:'''Old Man''': Eaten by bears!
:'''Spectator 2''': Razor pit!
:'''Katara''': ''(worried)'' Community service! Please land on community service.

===The Blind Bandit===
:'''The Boulder''': The Boulder feels conflicted about fighting a young blind girl.
:'''[[w:Toph|Toph]]''': Sounds to me like you're ''scared'', Boulder!
:'''The Boulder''': ...The Boulder's over his conflicted feelings, and now he's ready to bury you in a rockalanche!
:'''Toph''': Whenever you're ready, the Pebble! ''(laughs evil-like)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Toph''': (Aang has just entered the ring) Do people really want to see ''two'' little girls fighting out here?
:'''Aang''': ''(to Toph)'' I don't really want to fight you. I want to talk to you.
:'''Sokka''': BOO! NO TALKING!
:'''Katara''': Don't boo at him! ''[hits Sokka on the arm]''

===Zuko Alone===
:'''Soldier 1''': Hey! Did you throw that egg?
:'''Zuko''': No.
:'''Soldier 1''': Did you see who did it?
:'''Zuko''': No.
:'''Soldier 1''': That egg had to've come from somewhere.
:'''Zuko''': Maybe a chicken flew over.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Young Zuko''': Stupid turtle duck? Why you do that?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ozai''': Father, you must have realized as I have that with Lu Ten gone, Iroh's bloodline has ended. After his son's death, my brother abandoned the siege at Ba Sing Se, and who knows when he'll return home. But I am here, Father, and my children are alive.
:'''Azulon''': Say what it is you want!
:'''Ozai''': Father, revoke Iroh's birthright. I am your humble servant, here to serve you and our nation. Use me.
:'''Azulon''': You dare suggest I betray Iroh, my first born, directly after the demise of his only beloved son?! I think that Iroh has suffered enough. But you, your punishment has scarcely begun!

===The Chase===
''[Azula has tracked Aang down to a deserted town]''
:'''Azula''': Do you ''really'' want to fight me?
''[Zuko suddenly arrives, jumping off his ostrich-horse]''
:'''Zuko''': Yes, I really do.
:'''Azula''': I was wondering when you'd show up, Zuzu.
:'''Aang''': ''[stifles a laugh]'' &quot;Zuzu?&quot;
:'''Zuko''': ''[assumes a fighting stance]'' Back off, Azula. He's mine!
:'''Azula''': ''[Confidently]''... I'm not going ''anywhere.''
''[She assumes a fighting stance as well]''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Toph and Iroh begin to share a conversation over tea on a rocky hilltop]''
:'''Toph''': People see me and think I'm weak. They want to take care of me, but I can take care of myself, by myself.
:'''Iroh''': You sound like my nephew, always thinking you need to do things on your own, without anyone's support. There is nothing wrong with letting the people who love you help you. Not that I love you, I just met you.
:'''Toph''': ''[laughs]'' So where is your nephew?
:'''Iroh''': I've been tracking him, actually.
:'''Toph''': Is he lost?
:'''Iroh''': ''[looks away; slightly sad]'' Yes, a little bit. ''[cuts to shot of the rocky ledge where the two sit, the mountain region in the background]'' His life has recently changed and he's going through very difficult times. He's trying to figure out who he is and he went away.
:'''Toph''': So now you're following him.
:'''Iroh''': I know he doesn't want me around him right now, but if he needs me, I'll be there.
:'''Toph''': Your nephew is very lucky, even if he doesn't know it. ''[gets up to leave]'' Thank you.
:'''Iroh''': My pleasure. Sharing tea with a fascinating stranger is one of life's true delights.
:'''Toph''': ''[happily]'' No, thank you for what you said. It helped me.
:'''Iroh''': I'm glad. ''[Toph rises to leave, but turns around briefly]''
:'''Toph''': Oh, and about your nephew... Maybe you should tell him that you need him, too.

===Bitter Work===
:''[Sokka is buried in the earth and a hippo comes running with an apple in its mouth]''
:'''Sokka''': Hey! Looks like my karma is already paying off.
:''[Hippo rolls the apple but not within range of Sokka's hands or mouth]''
:'''Sokka''' [Elated]: That's okay. I got it.
:''[Sokka struggles to move hands but boomerang instead falls out off his bag]''
:'''Sokka''' [after 10 second pause and annoyed]: Now come back, boomerang.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Iroh''': ''[drawing the Fire Nation symbol in the sand before Zuko]'' Fire is the element of power. The people of the Fire Nation have desire and will, and the energy and drive to achieve what they want. ''[draws the Earth Kingdom symbol]'' Earth is the element of substance. The people of the Earth Kingdom are diverse and strong. They are persistent and enduring. ''[draws the Air Nomads symbol]'' Air is the element of freedom. The Air Nomads detached themselves from worldly concerns and found peace and freedom. Also, they apparently had pretty good senses of ''humor''! ''[grins]'' 
:''[Zuko stares blankly at Iroh]''
:'''Iroh''': ''[continuing, drawing the Water Tribe symbol]'' Water is the element of change. The people of the Water Tribe are capable of adapting to many things. They have a deep sense of community and love that holds them together though anything. 
:'''Zuko''': Why are you telling me these things?
:'''Iroh''': It is important to draw wisdom from many different places. If we take it from only one place, it becomes rigid and stale. Understanding others, the other elements, and the other nations, will help you become whole.
:'''Zuko''': All this &quot;Four Elements&quot; talk is sounding like Avatar stuff.
:'''Iroh''': It is the combination of the four elements within one person that makes the Avatar so powerful.  But, it can make you more powerful, too. (''prods him in the chest with his staff'')  You see, the technique I am about to teach you is one I learned by studying the Waterbenders.

===The Library===
:'''Wan Shi Tong''': ''(leers to a nervous Sokka)'' So, who are ''you'' trying to destroy?
:'''Sokka''': What? No! No destroying, we're not into that.
:'''Wan Shi Tong''': Then why are you here?
:'''Sokka''': ''(hesitates)'' Umm... Knowledge for knowledge's sake?
:''(pause)''
:'''Wan Shi Tong''': If you're going to lie to an all-knowing spirit being, you should at least put some effort into it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Wan Shi Tong confronts Team Avatar and Professor Zei in the planetarium for obtaining knowledge on the next solar eclipse]''
:'''Wan Shi Tong''': You betrayed my trust. From the beginning, you intended to misuse this knowledge for evil purposes.
:'''Sokka''': You don't understand. If anyone's evil, it's the Fire Nation! You saw what they did to your library. They're destructive and dangerous. We need this information!
:'''Wan Shi Tong''': You think you're the first person to believe their war was justified? Countless others before you have come here, seeking weapons, weaknesses or battle strategies!
:'''Aang''': We had no choice. Please, we're just desperate to protect the people we love!
:'''Wan Shi Tong''': And now ''I'm'' going to protect what ''I'' love. 
:''(Wan Shi Tong spreads his wings; the library starts to shake and flood with sand)''
:'''Aang''': What are you doing?!
:'''Wan Shi Tong''': I'm taking my knowledge back. No one will ever abuse it again!
:'''Katara''': He's sinking the building! We've gotta get out of here!
:'''Wan Shi Tong''': I'm afraid I can't allow that. You already know too much. (''shrieks and chases them'')

===The Desert===
:''(Both Sokka and Momo are hallucinating after drinking cactus juice)''
:'''Sokka''': Drink cactus juice, it'll quench ya. Nothing's quenchier. It's the quenchiest!
:'''Katara''': ''[throws away the piece of cactus]'' Okay, I think you had enough.
:'''Sokka''': Who lit Toph on fire?
''[Momo spins in a circle in the air and dive bombs to the ground.]''
:'''Toph''': Can I get some of that cactus?
:'''Katara''': I don’t think that’s a good idea. Come on, we need to find Aang.
''[She and Toph walk on; when Sokka doesn't follow, Katara grabs him and drags him along with them]''
:'''Sokka''': How did we get out here in the middle of the ocean?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Aang confronts a group of sandbenders, including the ones who stole Appa]''
:'''Aang''': You tell me where he is, ''now''! 
:''[He obliterates one of the sand-sailers with airbending]''
:'''Sha-Mo''': ''[sternly, to his son]'' What did you ''do''?!
:'''Gashiun''': I-It wasn't me!
:'''Toph''': You said to put a muzzle on him!
:'''Aang''': ''[enraged]'' You ''muzzled'' Appa?!
:''[Aang enters the Avatar State; he smashes another of the sand-sailers]''
:'''Gashiun''': I'm sorry! I didn't know it belonged to the Avatar!
:'''Aang''': ''[shouts with the voices of past Avatars]'' '''''TELL ME WHERE APPA IS!!'''''
:'''Gashiun''': I-I traded him, to some merchants! He's... probably in Ba Sing Se by now. They were gonna sell him there. ''[Aang's glowing eyes narrow]'' Please, we'll escort you out of the desert! We'll help however we can!
:''[A cyclone erupts around Aang, obscuring everything.  Sokka grabs Toph's arm]''
:'''Sokka''': ''[to the sandbenders]'' Just get out of here! ''RUN!''
:''[Everyone flees from Aang, except Katara. As he rises off the ground, she approaches him and grabs his arm; he stares down at her, his face contorted with rage and grief.  Katara pulls him back down to the ground.  As the winds begin to die down, Sokka sees tears running from Aang's eyes as Katara hugs him]''

===Journey to Ba Sing Se Part 1: The Serpent's Pass===
:''[Suki asks Sokka why he is being overprotective of her]''
:'''Sokka''': It's so hard to lose someone you care about. Something happened at the North Pole and I couldn't protect someone. I don't want anything like that to ever happen again.
:'''Suki''': I lost someone I cared about. He didn't die. He just went away. I only had a few days to get to know him, but he was smart and brave and funny...
:'''Sokka''': ''(suspiciously)'' Who is this guy? Is he taller than me?
:'''Suki''': ''(deadpan)'' No. He's about your height.
:'''Sokka''': Is he better-looking?
:'''Suki''': It ''is'' you, stupid!
:'''Sokka''': Oh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sokka''': Suki, you know about giant sea monsters, do something!
:'''Suki''': Just because I live near the Unagi doesn't mean I'm an expert.
:'''Sokka''': ''[picks up Momo and offers it to the Sea Serpent]'' Oh great and powerful sea serpent, please accept this humble and tasty offering. Thank You.
:'''Katara''': Sokka!
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

===Journey to Ba Sing Se Part 2: The Drill===
:'''Mai''': She [Azula] can shoot all the lightning she wants at me, I'm not going into that wall sludge juice. ''(Shudders, then closes hatch Katara, Sokka, and Ty Lee jumped into)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Toph takes the group under ground]''
:'''Sokka''': It's so dark down here. I can't see a thing.
:'''Toph''': (''Sarcastically'') Oh no, what a nightmare!
:'''Sokka''': Sorry.

===City of Walls and Secrets===
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Toph''': Well, no offense to you simple country folk, but a real society crowd would spot you from a mile away. You've got no manners. 
:'''Katara''':  Excuse me? I've got no manners? You're not exactly lady fancy fingers.
:'''Toph''': ''[burps]'' I learned proper society behavior and chose to leave it. You never learned anything. And frankly, it's a little too late. 
:'''Sokka''': Ah-Ha, but you learned it. You could teach us.
:'''Aang''': Yeah, I'm mastering every element. How hard could manners be? ''[grabs a nearby curtain and drapes it around himself like a robe, and begins talking in a very sophisticated manner]'' Good evening, Mr. Sokka Watertribe. Ms. Katara Watertribe. Lord Momo of the Momo Dynasty, your Momo-ness.
:'''Sokka''': ''[in a fancy accent]'' Avatar Aang how you ''do'' go on!
:''[Both of them take turns bowing then try to bow at the same time, but they knock each other's foreheads' together and fall backward]''
:'''Toph''': Katara might be able to pull it off, but you two would be lucky to pass as busboys.
:'''Sokka''': But I feel so fancy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sokka''': Why won't you let us talk to the King?!  We have information that could ''defeat'' the Fire Nation!
:'''Long Feng''':  The Earth King has no time to get involved in political squabbles and the day-to-day minutia of military activities.
:'''Aang''': This could be the most important thing he's ever heard!
:'''Long Feng''':  What's ''most'' important to His Royal majesty is maintaining the ''cultural'' heritage of Ba Sing Se.  All his duties relate to issuing decrees on such matters.  It's ''my'' job to oversee the rest of the city's resources... including the military.
:'''Katara''':  So the King is just a figurehead.
:'''Toph''': He's your puppet!
:'''Long Feng''': Oh, no, no!  His majesty is an icon, a ''god'' to his people.  He can't sully his hands with the hourly changes of an endless war.
:'''Sokka''':  But we found out about a solar eclipse that will leave the Fire Nation defenseless!  You could lead an invasion-
:'''Long Feng''': ''[stands up] Enough.'' I don't want to hear your ridiculous plan.  It is the strict policy of Ba Sing Se, that the war ''not'' be mentioned inside these walls. [As he speaks, the Dai Li are shown taking Jet to a secret facility]'' Constant news of an escalating war will throw the citizens of Ba Sing Se into a state of panic.
:'''Jet''': ''[as the Dai Li strapped him into a chair]'' You have to believe me!?  They're Firebenders!?  They won't stop until they win the war!?
:'''Dai Li Agent''': ''[to Jet]'' Calm down.  You're safe now. ''[a light begins rotating in front of Jet at eye level]''
:'''Long Feng''': Our economy would be ruined.  Our peaceful way of life, our traditions, would disappear.
:'''Dai Li Agent''': ''[to Jet]'' There's no war in Ba Sing Se.
:'''Jet''': What are you talking about?!  Where do you think all the refugees come from?  You can't hide it?! ''[The Dai Li gag him as the light continues to rotate]''
:'''Long Feng''': In silencing talk of conflict, Ba Sing Se remains a peaceful, orderly utopia... the last one on Earth.
:'''Dai Li Agent''': ''[to Jet, muffled]'' There is no war within the walls.  Here, we are safe.  Here, we are free.
:'''Katara''': You can't keep the truth from all these people.  They have to know!
:'''Aang''':  I'll tell them!  I'll make sure everyone knows
:'''Long Feng''':  Until now, you've been treated as our honored guest.  But from now on, you will be watched by Dai Li agents.  If you mention the war to ''anyone'', you will be expelled from the city.  I understand you've been looking for your bison?  It would be quite a ''shame'' if you were unable to complete your quest. ''[Aang glares at him]''  Now, Joo Dee will show you home.
''[A different young woman enters, with an equally blank smile on her face, startling Team Avatar]''
:'''Young Woman''':  Come with me, please.
:'''Katara''': What happened to Joo Dee?
:'''Young Woman''': ''I'm'' Joo Dee.  I'll be your host as long as you're in our wonderful city.

===The Tales of Ba Sing Se===
:''(Katara opens a door and sees Toph lying facedown on the floor, asleep)''
:'''Katara''': Toph, aren't you gonna get ready for the day?
:''(Toph wakes up, hair frazzled, and spits)''
:'''Toph''': I'm ready.
:'''Katara''': Aren't you gonna clean up? You've got a little dirt on your....everywhere actually.
:'''Toph''': You call it dirt. I call it a healthy coating of earth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(A mugger approaches Iroh in an alley)''
:'''Mugger''': You! Hand over your money!
:''(Iroh looks down and notices the mugger's unstable stance)''
:'''Iroh''': What are you doing?
:'''Mugger''': I'm mugging you!
:'''Iroh''': With that stance??
:'''Mugger''': Wha… What are you talking about? Just give me your money, old man!
:'''Iroh''': With a poor stance you are unbalanced and can be easily knocked over.
:''(Iroh knocks mugger down and then helps him up)''
:'''Iroh''': With a solid stance you are a much more serious threat! 

===Appa's Lost Days===
:''[Azula is talking to the Kyoshi warriors, who fight with fans]''
:'''Azula''': Who are you?  The Avatar's ''fangirls''?
:''[a short pause]''
:'''Ty Lee''': ...Oh!  I get it!  Good one Azula.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Mai pins a Kyoshi warrior to a tree with her shurikens]''
:'''Mai''': You're so colorful, it's making me ''nauseous''. (''launches darts at another warrior'')
:''[Ty Lee unleashes a flurry of jabs into the back of a Kyoshi warrior, dropping her, and unleashes a final taunt]''
:'''Ty Lee''': You are ''not'' prettier than we are.

===Lake Laogai===
:'''Sokka''': Hey, I thought designing the &quot;Lost Appa&quot; poster was my job! I've been working all day on my Appa!
:(''shows Katara and Aang his picture.  Katara is visibly trying not to laugh.''')
:'''Aang''': Sokka, the arrow is on Appa's ''head''.
:'''Sokka''': This ''is'' his head!
:'''Katara''': Why are ''feet'' coming out of it?
:'''Sokka''': Those are his horns! I haven't seen him in a while, okay?
:'''Toph''': It looks just like him to me.
:'''Sokka''': Thank you, I worked really--[''breaks off, remembering that Toph is blind'']...Why do you feel the need to do that?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zuko''': (looking at the tied-up Appa) Uncle?
:'''Iroh''': (walks into the cell) So, the Blue Spirit? I wonder who could be behind that mask?
:'''Zuko''': What are you doing here?
:'''Iroh''': I was just about to ask you the same thing. What do you plan to do now that you've found the Avatar's bison? Keep it locked in our new apartment? Should I go put on a pot of ''tea'' for him?!
:'''Zuko''': First I have to get it out of here.
:'''Iroh''': And then ''what''?! You never think these things through! This is exactly what happened when you captured the Avatar at the North Pole! You had him, and then you had nowhere to go!
:'''Zuko''': I would've figured something out.
:'''Iroh''': No! If his friends hadn't found you, you would have frozen to death!
:'''Zuko''': ''(very angry)'' I know my own destiny, Uncle.
:'''Iroh''': Is it your own destiny, or is it a destiny someone else has tried to force on you?
:'''Zuko''': Stop it, Uncle! I have to do this!
:'''Iroh''': I'm ''begging'' you, Prince Zuko! It's time for you to look inward and begin asking yourself the big questions: Who are you, and What do ''you'' want?
:'''Zuko''': ''(Yells in frustration and throws his Blue Spirit mask and swords down.)''

===The Earth King===
:'''Sokka''': Looks like Long Feng is long gone! (''laughs'') Oh, I've been waiting to use that one!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Toph''': I've seen enough of Ba Sing Se. And I can't even see!

===The Guru===
&lt;hr width80&gt;
:'''Guru Pathik''': The greatest illusion of this world is the illusion of separation. Things you think are separate and different are actually one and the same.
:'''Aang''': Like the four nations.
:'''Guru Pathik''': Yes. We are all one people, but we live as if divided.
:'''Aang''': We're all connected. Everything is connected.

&lt;hr width80&gt;
:'''Aang''': This is the last chakra, isn't it?
:'''Guru Pathik''': Yes. Once you open this chakra, you will be able to go in and out of the Avatar State at will. And when you are in the Avatar State, you will have complete control and awareness of all your actions.
:'''Aang''': Let's do this!
:'''Guru Pathik''': The thought chakra is located at the crown of the head. It deals with pure cosmic energy, and is blocked by earthly attachment. Meditate on what attaches you to this world.
:''(Aang imagines various images and memories of Katara)''
:'''Guru Pathik''': Now, let all of those attachments go. Let them flow down the river, forgotten.
:'''Aang''': ''(snapping out of his meditation)'' What? Why would I let go of Katara? I...I-I love her!
:'''Guru Pathik''': Learn to let her go, or you cannot let the pure cosmic energy flow in from the universe.
:'''Aang''': Why would I choose ''cosmic energy'' over Katara? How could it be a bad thing that I feel an attachment to her? Three chakras ago, that was a good thing!
:'''Guru Pathik''': You ''must'' learn to let go.

&lt;hr width80&gt;
:'''Azula''': Oh, don't worry, let should to be now. ''[Ty Lee attacks Katara and grunts]'' So, Zuzu in the city too, I think it's times to the family reunion.
:'''Aang''': I'm sorry, but I can't let go of Katara.
:'''Guru Pathik''': Aang, to master the Avatar State, you must open ''all'' the chakras. Surrender yourself.
:'''Aang''': Okay, I'll try.
:'''Guru Pathik''': Now think of your attachments. And let them go. Let the pure cosmic energy flow.
:''(He meditates again, beginning to let Katara go. We then see him suspended above the planet, facing a giant, glowing version of himself in the Avatar State. He begins to walk towards it and his tattoos start to glow. Suddenly, however, he hears Katara scream and sees a vision of her in chains and begins to run towards her.)
:'''Karata''': '''LET ME GO!!'''
:''(His tattoos fade along with the solid light beneath his feet, and so he falls back to the earth)''
:'''Aang''': (shocked) Katara's in danger! I have to go!
:''(Aang gets up and begins to run off)''
:'''Guru Pathik''': No Aang! By choosing attachment you have this locked the chakra! If you leave now, you won't be able to enter the Avatar State ''at all''!?
:'''Long Feng''': ''[disembodied] Enough, I don't want to your ridicolous plan.'' 
:''(After a moment's hesitation, Aang runs off)''

&lt;hr width80&gt;
:'''Yu''': It's another one her tricks!?
:'''Xin Fu''': There's in a giant hole in a box. How is that trick?!
:'''Toph''': It's not! It's a real deal!

&lt;hr width80&gt;
:'''Long Feng''': But you're not a Kyoshi Warrior, aren't you. Princess Azula of the Fire Nation.

===The Crossroads of Destiny===
:'''Aang''': Uh...
:'''Guru''': If you leave now, you won't be able enter the Avatar state at all!?
:'''Sokka''': Aang, are you okay?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Long Feng''': Now comes the part where I double cross you. Dai Li, arrest the Fire Nation princess! ''(The Dai Li don't move)'' I said arrest her! What is wrong with you?!
:'''Azula''': It's because they haven't made up their minds. They're waiting to see how this is going to end.
:'''Long Feng''': What are you talking about?
:'''Azula''': I can see your whole history in your eyes. You were born with nothing, so you've had to struggle, and connive, and claw your way to power. But true power, the divine right to rule, is something you're born with. The fact is, they don't know which one of us is going to be sitting on that throne, and which one is going to be bowing down. But I know, and you know. ''(She sits on the throne)'' Well?
''[She and Long Feng lock eyes; after a long moment, Long Feng kneels before her]''
:'''Long Feng''': ... You've beaten me at my own game.
:'''Azula''': Don't flatter yourself. You were never even a player.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zuko''': Uncle, I don't understand. What are you doing with the Avatar?
:'''Aang''': ''[glares at him]'' Saving you, that's what.
:''[Zuko starts to advance on him, but Iroh holds him back]''
:'''Iroh''': It's time we talked. ''[to Aang]'' Go help your other friends. We'll catch up with you.
:''[Aang and Katara leave]''
:'''Zuko''': ''[not looking Iroh directly in the eye]'' Why, Uncle?
:'''Iroh''': ''[seriously]'' You're not the man you used to be, Zuko. You are stronger, and wiser, and freer than you have ''ever'' been. And now you've come to the crossroads of your destiny. It's time for you to choose. It's time for you to choose ''good''.
:''[Iroh is suddenly immobilized by crystals, startling Zuko]''
:'''Azula''': ''[enters followed by two Dai Li Agents]'' I expected this kind of treachery from Uncle. But Zuko, ''Prince'' Zuko. You're a lot of things, but you aren't a traitor, are you?
:'''Zuko''':  Release him immediately!
:'''Azula''':''[slyly]'' It's not too late for you, Zuko. You could still redeem yourself.
:'''Iroh''': The kind of &quot;redemption&quot; she offers is not for you!
:'''Azula''': ''[glares at him]'' Why don't you let ''him'' decide, Uncle?  I need you, Zuko. I've plotted every move of this day, this glorious day in Fire Nation history, and the only way we win is ''together''. At the end of this day, you will have your honor back. You will have Father's love. You will have ''everything'' you want.
:'''Iroh''': Zuko, I am begging you.  Look into your heart and see what it is you truly want.
:'''Azula''': You are free to choose. 
''[she gestures for the Dai Li to leave, then pursues Aang and Katara, as Zuko considers his choice.]''

==External links==
[[Category:Avatar: The Last Airbender seasons]]</text>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-26T15:08:59Z</timestamp>
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----
:'''Seasons:''' [[Avatar: The Last Airbender (season 1)|1]] [[Avatar: The Last Airbender (season 2) |2]] [[Avatar: The Last Airbender (season 3)|3]] | [[Avatar: The Last Airbender|Main]] | ''[[The Legend of Korra]]'' ([[The Legend of Korra (season 1)|1]] [[The Legend of Korra (season 2)|2]] [[The Legend of Korra (season 3)|3]] [[The Legend of Korra (season 4)|4]])
----
The following is a list of quotes from the second season ''[[Avatar: The Last Airbender]]''.

===The Avatar State===
:'''Captain''': Princess, I'm afraid the tides will not allow us to bring the ship into port before nightfall.
:'''Azula''':  I'm sorry, Captain, but I do not know much about the tides.  Can you explain something to me?
:'''Captain''':  Of course, Your Highness.
:'''Azula''':  Do the ''tides'' command this ship?
:'''Captain''':  Um... I'm afraid I don't understand.
:'''Azula''':  You said the tides would not allow us to bring the ship in.  ''Do'' the tides command this ship?
:'''Captain''': ...No, Princess.
:'''Azula''': And, if I were to have you thrown overboard, would the tides think twice about smashing you against the rocky shore?
:'''Captain''': ''[nervously]''... No, Princess.
:'''Azula''':  Well, then maybe you should worry less about the tides, who've already made up their mind about killing you, and worry more about ''me'', who's still mulling it over.
:'''Captain''': I'll put us in.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[General Fong and his men are attacking Aang in attempt to force him into the Avatar State.  Katara attacks some of the Earthbenders with her waterbending]''
:'''Fong''': (''to Aang'') Maybe ''you'' can avoid me... but ''she'' can't.
:''[Katara launches a water attack at Fong, but he deflects it with earth and causes her to sink into the ground up to her knees]''
:'''Katara''': Aah! I can't move!?
:'''Aang''': (''angry and frightened'') Don't hurt her! 
:''[He airbends at Fong, who deflects it]''
:'''Sokka''': Katara, no!?
:''[He tries to help her, but Fong uses earthbending to knocks him off his ostrich-horse]''
:'''Aang''': (''grabs Fong's arm'') Stop this!  You have to let her go!
:'''Fong''': You could ''save'' her if you were in the Avatar State!
:'''Aang''': (''tearfully'') I'm trying!?  I'm ''trying!?''
:'''Katara''': Aang, I'm sinking!?
:''[She sinks up to her waist]''
:'''Fong''': I don't see any glowing! (''he sinks Katara up to her neck'')
:'''Katara''': Aah!! Please!?
:'''Aang''': You don't have to do this!?
:'''Fong''': Apparently... I ''do''.
''[He closes his fist, and Katara is buried completely; Aang leaps to pull her out, but is too late.  He turns towards Fong, his face full of rage and his tattoos and eyes glowing, indicating that he has entered the Avatar State]''
:'''Fong''': It worked!  It worked!
:''[His expression turns to fear as a massive cyclone of wind begins to form around Aang]''

===The Cave of Two Lovers===
:'''Iroh''': Zuko, remember that plant that I thought might be tea? 
:'''Zuko''': You didn't!
:'''Iroh''': I did. ''[Iroh turns around to reveal his red, swollen face which he is scratching]'' And it wasn't.  
:'''Zuko''': Yah!
:'''Iroh''': When the rash spreads to my throat, I will stop breathing. But look what I found! These are bacui berries, known to cure the poison of the white jade plant. That, or macahoni berries that cause blindness. 
:'''Zuko''': We're not taking any more chances with these plants! We need to get help.
:'''Iroh''': But where are we going to go? We're enemies of the Earth Kingdom, and fugitives from the Fire Nation. 
:'''Zuko''': If the Earth Kingdom discovers us, they'll have us killed. 
:'''Iroh''': But if the Fire Nation discovers us, we'll be turned over to Azula. 
:''[Both look at one another and nod]''
:'''Zuko''': Earth Kingdom it is. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Katara''': I have a crazy idea...
:'''Aang''': What?
:'''Katara''': Never mind. It's too crazy.
:'''Aang''': Katara, what is it?
:'''Katara''': ''(looking away)'' I was thinking... the curse says we'll be trapped in here forever unless we trust in love.
:'''Aang''': Right.
:'''Katara''': And here it says &quot;love is brightest in the dark&quot; and...has a picture of them kissing...
:'''Aang''': ''(clueless)'' Where are you going with this?
:'''Katara''': Well...what if we kissed?
:'''Aang''': ''(shocked)'' Us kissing?!
:'''Katara''': See? It was a crazy idea.
:'''Aang''':  Us...''(dreamily)'' kissing.
:'''Katara''': ''(laughing)'' Us, kissing. What was I thinking? Can you imagine that?
:'''Aang''': Yeah.''(laughs)'' I definitely wouldn't want to kiss you.
:'''Katara''': ''(slightly hurt)'' Well, I didn't realize it was such a horrible option! Sorry I suggested it!
:'''Aang''': No, I mean, if it was a choice between kissing you and dying-
:'''Katara''': ''(turning away from him)''Ugh!
:'''Aang''': What?! I'm saying I'd rather kiss you than die! That's a compliment! 
:'''Katara''': Well, I'm not sure which I'd rather do! ''(walks away)''
:'''Aang''': ''(sadly)'' What is wrong with me?

===Return to Omashu===
:'''Sokka''': ''[scared]'' ''AAAAHH!! YOU WON'T LET GO!! HELP!!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The little baby begins teething on Sokka's boomerang. Sokka takes it away.]''
:'''Sokka''': No! Bad Fire Nation baby! ''[The baby starts crying. Katara hits Sokka in the head.]'' OW!!
:'''Katara''': Sokka, don't do that!
:'''Sokka''': Oh, alright. ''[He gives his boomerang back to the baby to teeth on it. Katara hugs him from behind.]''
:'''Katara''': ''[baby voice]'' Oooh, you're so cute. Mmmm... ''[cut to resistance leader Yung observing the baby.]''
:'''Yung''': Sure, he's cute now... but when he's older, he'll join the Fire Nation army. You won't think he's so cute then. He'll be a killer.
:'''Katara''': ''[picks up the baby to Yung]'' Does ''that'' look like the face of a killer to you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after escaping from Azula, Aang confronts King Bumi inside a metal coffin about why he surrendered]''
:'''Aang''': I don't understand. Why didn't you free yourself? Why did you surrender when Omashu was invaded? What's the matter with you, Bumi?!
:'''King Bumi''': ''[calmly]'' Listen to me, Aang. There are options in fighting called jing. It's a choice of how you direct your energy.
:'''Aang''': I know! ''[counts with two fingers]'' There's positive jing when you're attacking, and negative jing when you're retreating.
:'''King Bumi''': And neutral jing, when you do nothing!
:'''Aang''': ''[suddenly surprised]'' There are ''three'' jings?
:'''King Bumi''': Well, technically there are eighty-five, but let's just focus on the third. Neutral jing is the key to earthbending. It involves listening and waiting for the right moment to strike.
:'''Aang''': That's why you surrendered, isn't it?
:'''King Bumi''': Yes, and it's why I can't leave now. ''[Aang sadly turns around, feeling disappointed]''
:'''Aang''': I guess I need to find someone else to teach me earthbending.
:'''King Bumi''': Your teacher will be someone who has mastered neutral jing. You need to find someone who ''waits and listens'' before striking. ''[Momo lands on Aang's shoulders]''
:'''Aang''': ''[happily]'' Hey, Momo!
:'''King Bumi''': Momo's mastered a few jings himself! ''[Momo screeches loudly at Bumi]'' Goodbye, Aang. I'll see you when the time is right.

===The Swamp===
:'''Katara''': Sokka, you've got an elbow leech!
:'''Sokka''': Where?! Where?!
:'''Katara''': Where do you think?
:''[He rips the leech off his elbow.]''
:'''Sokka''': WHY DO THINGS KEEP ATTACHING TO ME?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Huu''': ''[about the great banyan tree]'' See, this whole swamp is actually just one tree spread out over miles. Branches spread and sink, take root, and spread some more... One big living organism, just like the entire world.
:'''Aang''': I get how the tree is one big thing, but the whole world?
:'''Huu''': Sure. You think you're any different from me, or your friends, or this tree? If you listen hard enough, you can hear every living thing breathing together. You can feel everything growing. We are all living together, even if most folks don't act like it. We all have the same roots, and we are all branches of the same tree.
:'''Katara''': But what did our visions mean?
:'''Huu''': In the swamp, we see visions of people we've lost, people we loved, folks we think are gone. But the swamp tells us they're not. We're still connected to 'em. [[Time]] is an [[illusion]], and so is [[death]].
:'''Aang''': But what about my vision? It was someone I had never met.
:'''Huu''': You're the Avatar. You tell me.
:'''Aang''': ''[contemplates]'' Time is an illusion... So, it's someone I ''will'' meet.

===Avatar Day===
:'''Zuko''': There is no honor for me without the Avatar.
:'''Iroh''': Zuko, even if you did capture the Avatar, I'm not so sure it would solve our problems. Not now.
:'''Zuko''': Then there is no hope at all.
:'''Iroh''': No, Zuko! You must never give into despair. Allow yourself to slip down that road, and you surrender to your lowest instincts. In the darkest times, hope is something you give ''yourself''. That is the meaning of inner strength.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aang''': I said I would face justice, so I will. ''(spins Wheel of Punishment)''
:'''Spectator 1''': ''(rooting)'' Come on, torture machine!
:'''Old Man''': Eaten by bears!
:'''Spectator 2''': Razor pit!
:'''Katara''': ''(worried)'' Community service! Please land on community service.

===The Blind Bandit===
:'''The Boulder''': The Boulder feels conflicted about fighting a young blind girl.
:'''[[w:Toph|Toph]]''': Sounds to me like you're ''scared'', Boulder!
:'''The Boulder''': ...The Boulder's over his conflicted feelings, and now he's ready to bury you in a rockalanche!
:'''Toph''': Whenever you're ready, the Pebble! ''(laughs evil-like)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Toph''': (Aang has just entered the ring) Do people really want to see ''two'' little girls fighting out here?
:'''Aang''': ''(to Toph)'' I don't really want to fight you. I want to talk to you.
:'''Sokka''': BOO! NO TALKING!
:'''Katara''': Don't boo at him! ''[hits Sokka on the arm]''

===Zuko Alone===
:'''Soldier 1''': Hey! Did you throw that egg?
:'''Zuko''': No.
:'''Soldier 1''': Did you see who did it?
:'''Zuko''': No.
:'''Soldier 1''': That egg had to've come from somewhere.
:'''Zuko''': Maybe a chicken flew over.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Young Zuko''': Stupid turtle duck? Why you do that?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ozai''': Father, you must have realized as I have that with Lu Ten gone, Iroh's bloodline has ended. After his son's death, my brother abandoned the siege at Ba Sing Se, and who knows when he'll return home. But I am here, Father, and my children are alive.
:'''Azulon''': Say what it is you want!
:'''Ozai''': Father, revoke Iroh's birthright. I am your humble servant, here to serve you and our nation. Use me.
:'''Azulon''': You dare suggest I betray Iroh, my first born, directly after the demise of his only beloved son?! I think that Iroh has suffered enough. But you, your punishment has scarcely begun!

===The Chase===
''[Azula has tracked Aang down to a deserted town]''
:'''Azula''': Do you ''really'' want to fight me?
''[Zuko suddenly arrives, jumping off his ostrich-horse]''
:'''Zuko''': Yes, I really do.
:'''Azula''': I was wondering when you'd show up, Zuzu.
:'''Aang''': ''[stifles a laugh]'' &quot;Zuzu?&quot;
:'''Zuko''': ''[assumes a fighting stance]'' Back off, Azula. He's mine!
:'''Azula''': ''[Confidently]''... I'm not going ''anywhere.''
''[She assumes a fighting stance as well]''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Toph and Iroh begin to share a conversation over tea on a rocky hilltop]''
:'''Toph''': People see me and think I'm weak. They want to take care of me, but I can take care of myself, by myself.
:'''Iroh''': You sound like my nephew, always thinking you need to do things on your own, without anyone's support. There is nothing wrong with letting the people who love you help you. Not that I love you, I just met you.
:'''Toph''': ''[laughs]'' So where is your nephew?
:'''Iroh''': I've been tracking him, actually.
:'''Toph''': Is he lost?
:'''Iroh''': ''[looks away; slightly sad]'' Yes, a little bit. ''[cuts to shot of the rocky ledge where the two sit, the mountain region in the background]'' His life has recently changed and he's going through very difficult times. He's trying to figure out who he is and he went away.
:'''Toph''': So now you're following him.
:'''Iroh''': I know he doesn't want me around him right now, but if he needs me, I'll be there.
:'''Toph''': Your nephew is very lucky, even if he doesn't know it. ''[gets up to leave]'' Thank you.
:'''Iroh''': My pleasure. Sharing tea with a fascinating stranger is one of life's true delights.
:'''Toph''': ''[happily]'' No, thank you for what you said. It helped me.
:'''Iroh''': I'm glad. ''[Toph rises to leave, but turns around briefly]''
:'''Toph''': Oh, and about your nephew... Maybe you should tell him that you need him, too.

===Bitter Work===
:''[Sokka is buried in the earth and a hippo comes running with an apple in its mouth]''
:'''Sokka''': Hey! Looks like my karma is already paying off.
:''[Hippo rolls the apple but not within range of Sokka's hands or mouth]''
:'''Sokka''' [Elated]: That's okay. I got it.
:''[Sokka struggles to move hands but boomerang instead falls out off his bag]''
:'''Sokka''' [after 10 second pause and annoyed]: Now come back, boomerang.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Iroh''': ''[drawing the Fire Nation symbol in the sand before Zuko]'' Fire is the element of power. The people of the Fire Nation have desire and will, and the energy and drive to achieve what they want. ''[draws the Earth Kingdom symbol]'' Earth is the element of substance. The people of the Earth Kingdom are diverse and strong. They are persistent and enduring. ''[draws the Air Nomads symbol]'' Air is the element of freedom. The Air Nomads detached themselves from worldly concerns and found peace and freedom. Also, they apparently had pretty good senses of ''humor''! ''[grins]'' 
:''[Zuko stares blankly at Iroh]''
:'''Iroh''': ''[continuing, drawing the Water Tribe symbol]'' Water is the element of change. The people of the Water Tribe are capable of adapting to many things. They have a deep sense of community and love that holds them together though anything. 
:'''Zuko''': Why are you telling me these things?
:'''Iroh''': It is important to draw wisdom from many different places. If we take it from only one place, it becomes rigid and stale. Understanding others, the other elements, and the other nations, will help you become whole.
:'''Zuko''': All this &quot;Four Elements&quot; talk is sounding like Avatar stuff.
:'''Iroh''': It is the combination of the four elements within one person that makes the Avatar so powerful.  But, it can make you more powerful, too. (''prods him in the chest with his staff'')  You see, the technique I am about to teach you is one I learned by studying the Waterbenders.

===The Library===
:'''Wan Shi Tong''': ''(leers to a nervous Sokka)'' So, who are ''you'' trying to destroy?
:'''Sokka''': What? No! No destroying, we're not into that.
:'''Wan Shi Tong''': Then why are you here?
:'''Sokka''': ''(hesitates)'' Umm... Knowledge for knowledge's sake?
:''(pause)''
:'''Wan Shi Tong''': If you're going to lie to an all-knowing spirit being, you should at least put some effort into it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Wan Shi Tong confronts Team Avatar and Professor Zei in the planetarium for obtaining knowledge on the next solar eclipse]''
:'''Wan Shi Tong''': You betrayed my trust. From the beginning, you intended to misuse this knowledge for evil purposes.
:'''Sokka''': You don't understand. If anyone's evil, it's the Fire Nation! You saw what they did to your library. They're destructive and dangerous. We need this information!
:'''Wan Shi Tong''': You think you're the first person to believe their war was justified? Countless others before you have come here, seeking weapons, weaknesses or battle strategies!
:'''Aang''': We had no choice. Please, we're just desperate to protect the people we love!
:'''Wan Shi Tong''': And now ''I'm'' going to protect what ''I'' love. 
:''(Wan Shi Tong spreads his wings; the library starts to shake and flood with sand)''
:'''Aang''': What are you doing?!
:'''Wan Shi Tong''': I'm taking my knowledge back. No one will ever abuse it again!
:'''Katara''': He's sinking the building! We've gotta get out of here!
:'''Wan Shi Tong''': I'm afraid I can't allow that. You already know too much. (''shrieks and chases them'')

===The Desert===
:''(Both Sokka and Momo are hallucinating after drinking cactus juice)''
:'''Sokka''': Drink cactus juice, it'll quench ya. Nothing's quenchier. It's the quenchiest!
:'''Katara''': ''[throws away the piece of cactus]'' Okay, I think you had enough.
:'''Sokka''': Who lit Toph on fire?
''[Momo spins in a circle in the air and dive bombs to the ground.]''
:'''Toph''': Can I get some of that cactus?
:'''Katara''': I don’t think that’s a good idea. Come on, we need to find Aang.
''[She and Toph walk on; when Sokka doesn't follow, Katara grabs him and drags him along with them]''
:'''Sokka''': How did we get out here in the middle of the ocean?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Aang confronts a group of sandbenders, including the ones who stole Appa]''
:'''Aang''': You tell me where he is, ''now''! 
:''[He obliterates one of the sand-sailers with airbending]''
:'''Sha-Mo''': ''[sternly, to his son]'' What did you ''do''?!
:'''Gashiun''': I-It wasn't me!
:'''Toph''': You said to put a muzzle on him!
:'''Aang''': ''[enraged]'' You ''muzzled'' Appa?!
:''[Aang enters the Avatar State; he smashes another of the sand-sailers]''
:'''Gashiun''': I'm sorry! I didn't know it belonged to the Avatar!
:'''Aang''': ''[shouts with the voices of past Avatars]'' '''''TELL ME WHERE APPA IS!!'''''
:'''Gashiun''': I-I traded him, to some merchants! He's... probably in Ba Sing Se by now. They were gonna sell him there. ''[Aang's glowing eyes narrow]'' Please, we'll escort you out of the desert! We'll help however we can!
:''[A cyclone erupts around Aang, obscuring everything.  Sokka grabs Toph's arm]''
:'''Sokka''': ''[to the sandbenders]'' Just get out of here! ''RUN!''
:''[Everyone flees from Aang, except Katara. As he rises off the ground, she approaches him and grabs his arm; he stares down at her, his face contorted with rage and grief.  Katara pulls him back down to the ground.  As the winds begin to die down, Sokka sees tears running from Aang's eyes as Katara hugs him]''

===Journey to Ba Sing Se Part 1: The Serpent's Pass===
:''[Suki asks Sokka why he is being overprotective of her]''
:'''Sokka''': It's so hard to lose someone you care about. Something happened at the North Pole and I couldn't protect someone. I don't want anything like that to ever happen again.
:'''Suki''': I lost someone I cared about. He didn't die. He just went away. I only had a few days to get to know him, but he was smart and brave and funny...
:'''Sokka''': ''(suspiciously)'' Who is this guy? Is he taller than me?
:'''Suki''': ''(deadpan)'' No. He's about your height.
:'''Sokka''': Is he better-looking?
:'''Suki''': It ''is'' you, stupid!
:'''Sokka''': Oh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sokka''': Suki, you know about giant sea monsters, do something!
:'''Suki''': Just because I live near the Unagi doesn't mean I'm an expert.
:'''Sokka''': ''[picks up Momo and offers it to the Sea Serpent]'' Oh great and powerful sea serpent, please accept this humble and tasty offering. Thank You.
:'''Katara''': Sokka!
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

===Journey to Ba Sing Se Part 2: The Drill===
:'''Mai''': She [Azula] can shoot all the lightning she wants at me, I'm not going into that wall sludge juice. ''(Shudders, then closes hatch Katara, Sokka, and Ty Lee jumped into)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Toph takes the group under ground]''
:'''Sokka''': It's so dark down here. I can't see a thing.
:'''Toph''': (''Sarcastically'') Oh no, what a nightmare!
:'''Sokka''': Sorry.

===City of Walls and Secrets===
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Toph''': Well, no offense to you simple country folk, but a real society crowd would spot you from a mile away. You've got no manners. 
:'''Katara''':  Excuse me? I've got no manners? You're not exactly lady fancy fingers.
:'''Toph''': ''[burps]'' I learned proper society behavior and chose to leave it. You never learned anything. And frankly, it's a little too late. 
:'''Sokka''': Ah-Ha, but you learned it. You could teach us.
:'''Aang''': Yeah, I'm mastering every element. How hard could manners be? ''[grabs a nearby curtain and drapes it around himself like a robe, and begins talking in a very sophisticated manner]'' Good evening, Mr. Sokka Watertribe. Ms. Katara Watertribe. Lord Momo of the Momo Dynasty, your Momo-ness.
:'''Sokka''': ''[in a fancy accent]'' Avatar Aang how you ''do'' go on!
:''[Both of them take turns bowing then try to bow at the same time, but they knock each other's foreheads' together and fall backward]''
:'''Toph''': Katara might be able to pull it off, but you two would be lucky to pass as busboys.
:'''Sokka''': But I feel so fancy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sokka''': Why won't you let us talk to the King?!  We have information that could ''defeat'' the Fire Nation!
:'''Long Feng''':  The Earth King has no time to get involved in political squabbles and the day-to-day minutia of military activities.
:'''Aang''': This could be the most important thing he's ever heard!
:'''Long Feng''':  What's ''most'' important to His Royal majesty is maintaining the ''cultural'' heritage of Ba Sing Se.  All his duties relate to issuing decrees on such matters.  It's ''my'' job to oversee the rest of the city's resources... including the military.
:'''Katara''':  So the King is just a figurehead.
:'''Toph''': He's your puppet!
:'''Long Feng''': Oh, no, no!  His majesty is an icon, a ''god'' to his people.  He can't sully his hands with the hourly changes of an endless war.
:'''Sokka''':  But we found out about a solar eclipse that will leave the Fire Nation defenseless!  You could lead an invasion-
:'''Long Feng''': ''[stands up] Enough.'' I don't want to hear your ridiculous plan.  It is the strict policy of Ba Sing Se, that the war ''not'' be mentioned inside these walls. [As he speaks, the Dai Li are shown taking Jet to a secret facility]'' Constant news of an escalating war will throw the citizens of Ba Sing Se into a state of panic.
:'''Jet''': ''[as the Dai Li strapped him into a chair]'' You have to believe me!?  They're Firebenders!?  They won't stop until they win the war!?
:'''Dai Li Agent''': ''[to Jet]'' Calm down.  You're safe now. ''[a light begins rotating in front of Jet at eye level]''
:'''Long Feng''': Our economy would be ruined.  Our peaceful way of life, our traditions, would disappear.
:'''Dai Li Agent''': ''[to Jet]'' There's no war in Ba Sing Se.
:'''Jet''': What are you talking about?!  Where do you think all the refugees come from?  You can't hide it?! ''[The Dai Li gag him as the light continues to rotate]''
:'''Long Feng''': In silencing talk of conflict, Ba Sing Se remains a peaceful, orderly utopia... the last one on Earth.
:'''Dai Li Agent''': ''[to Jet, muffled]'' There is no war within the walls.  Here, we are safe.  Here, we are free.
:'''Katara''': You can't keep the truth from all these people.  They have to know!
:'''Aang''':  I'll tell them!  I'll make sure everyone knows
:'''Long Feng''':  Until now, you've been treated as our honored guest.  But from now on, you will be watched by Dai Li agents.  If you mention the war to ''anyone'', you will be expelled from the city.  I understand you've been looking for your bison?  It would be quite a ''shame'' if you were unable to complete your quest. ''[Aang glares at him]''  Now, Joo Dee will show you home.
''[A different young woman enters, with an equally blank smile on her face, startling Team Avatar]''
:'''Young Woman''':  Come with me, please.
:'''Katara''': What happened to Joo Dee?
:'''Young Woman''': ''I'm'' Joo Dee.  I'll be your host as long as you're in our wonderful city.

===The Tales of Ba Sing Se===
:''(Katara opens a door and sees Toph lying facedown on the floor, asleep)''
:'''Katara''': Toph, aren't you gonna get ready for the day?
:''(Toph wakes up, hair frazzled, and spits)''
:'''Toph''': I'm ready.
:'''Katara''': Aren't you gonna clean up? You've got a little dirt on your....everywhere actually.
:'''Toph''': You call it dirt. I call it a healthy coating of earth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(A mugger approaches Iroh in an alley)''
:'''Mugger''': You! Hand over your money!
:''(Iroh looks down and notices the mugger's unstable stance)''
:'''Iroh''': What are you doing?
:'''Mugger''': I'm mugging you!
:'''Iroh''': With that stance??
:'''Mugger''': Wha… What are you talking about? Just give me your money, old man!
:'''Iroh''': With a poor stance you are unbalanced and can be easily knocked over.
:''(Iroh knocks mugger down and then helps him up)''
:'''Iroh''': With a solid stance you are a much more serious threat! 

===Appa's Lost Days===
:''[Azula is talking to the Kyoshi warriors, who fight with fans]''
:'''Azula''': Who are you?  The Avatar's ''fangirls''?
:''[a short pause]''
:'''Ty Lee''': ...Oh!  I get it!  Good one Azula.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Mai pins a Kyoshi warrior to a tree with her shurikens]''
:'''Mai''': You're so colorful, it's making me ''nauseous''. (''launches darts at another warrior'')
:''[Ty Lee unleashes a flurry of jabs into the back of a Kyoshi warrior, dropping her, and unleashes a final taunt]''
:'''Ty Lee''': You are ''not'' prettier than we are.

===Lake Laogai===
:'''Sokka''': Hey, I thought designing the &quot;Lost Appa&quot; poster was my job! I've been working all day on my Appa!
:(''shows Katara and Aang his picture.  Katara is visibly trying not to laugh.''')
:'''Aang''': Sokka, the arrow is on Appa's ''head''.
:'''Sokka''': This ''is'' his head!
:'''Katara''': Why are ''feet'' coming out of it?
:'''Sokka''': Those are his horns! I haven't seen him in a while, okay?
:'''Toph''': It looks just like him to me.
:'''Sokka''': Thank you, I worked really--[''breaks off, remembering that Toph is blind'']...Why do you feel the need to do that?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zuko''': (looking at the tied-up Appa) Uncle?
:'''Iroh''': (walks into the cell) So, the Blue Spirit? I wonder who could be behind that mask?
:'''Zuko''': What are you doing here?
:'''Iroh''': I was just about to ask you the same thing. What do you plan to do now that you've found the Avatar's bison? Keep it locked in our new apartment? Should I go put on a pot of ''tea'' for him?!
:'''Zuko''': First I have to get it out of here.
:'''Iroh''': And then ''what''?! You never think these things through! This is exactly what happened when you captured the Avatar at the North Pole! You had him, and then you had nowhere to go!
:'''Zuko''': I would've figured something out.
:'''Iroh''': No! If his friends hadn't found you, you would have frozen to death!
:'''Zuko''': ''(very angry)'' I know my own destiny, Uncle.
:'''Iroh''': Is it your own destiny, or is it a destiny someone else has tried to force on you?
:'''Zuko''': Stop it, Uncle! I have to do this!
:'''Iroh''': I'm ''begging'' you, Prince Zuko! It's time for you to look inward and begin asking yourself the big questions: Who are you, and What do ''you'' want?
:'''Zuko''': ''(Yells in frustration and throws his Blue Spirit mask and swords down.)''

===The Earth King===
:'''Sokka''': Looks like Long Feng is long gone! (''laughs'') Oh, I've been waiting to use that one!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Toph''': I've seen enough of Ba Sing Se. And I can't even see!

===The Guru===
&lt;hr width80&gt;
:'''Guru Pathik''': The greatest illusion of this world is the illusion of separation. Things you think are separate and different are actually one and the same.
:'''Aang''': Like the four nations.
:'''Guru Pathik''': Yes. We are all one people, but we live as if divided.
:'''Aang''': We're all connected. Everything is connected.

&lt;hr width80&gt;
:'''Aang''': This is the last chakra, isn't it?
:'''Guru Pathik''': Yes. Once you open this chakra, you will be able to go in and out of the Avatar State at will. And when you are in the Avatar State, you will have complete control and awareness of all your actions.
:'''Aang''': Let's do this!
:'''Guru Pathik''': The thought chakra is located at the crown of the head. It deals with pure cosmic energy, and is blocked by earthly attachment. Meditate on what attaches you to this world.
:''(Aang imagines various images and memories of Katara)''
:'''Guru Pathik''': Now, let all of those attachments go. Let them flow down the river, forgotten.
:'''Aang''': ''(snapping out of his meditation)'' What? Why would I let go of Katara? I...I-I love her!
:'''Guru Pathik''': Learn to let her go, or you cannot let the pure cosmic energy flow in from the universe.
:'''Aang''': Why would I choose ''cosmic energy'' over Katara? How could it be a bad thing that I feel an attachment to her? Three chakras ago, that was a good thing!
:'''Guru Pathik''': You ''must'' learn to let go.

&lt;hr width80&gt;
:'''Azula''': Oh, don't worry, let should to be now. ''[Ty Lee attacks Katara and grunts]'' So, Zuzu in the city too, I think it's times to the family reunion.
:'''Aang''': I'm sorry, but I can't let go of Katara.
:'''Guru Pathik''': Aang, to master the Avatar State, you must open ''all'' the chakras. Surrender yourself.
:'''Aang''': Okay, I'll try.
:'''Guru Pathik''': Now think of your attachments. And let them go. Let the pure cosmic energy flow.
:''(He meditates again, beginning to let Katara go. We then see him suspended above the planet, facing a giant, glowing version of himself in the Avatar State. He begins to walk towards it and his tattoos start to glow. Suddenly, however, he hears Katara scream and sees a vision of her in chains and begins to run towards her.)
:'''Karata''': '''LET ME GO!!'''
:''(His tattoos fade along with the solid light beneath his feet, and so he falls back to the earth)''
:'''Aang''': (shocked) Katara's in danger! I have to go! ''(Aang gets up and begins to runs off)''
:'''Guru Pathik''': No Aang! By choosing attachment you have this locked the chakra! If you leave now, you won't be able to enter the Avatar State ''at all''!?
:'''Long Feng''': ''[disembodied] Enough, I don't want to your ridicolous plan.'' 
:''(After a moment's hesitation, Aang runs off)''

&lt;hr width80&gt;
:'''Yu''': It's another one her tricks!?
:'''Xin Fu''': There's in a giant hole in a box. How is that trick?!
:'''Toph''': It's not! It's a real deal!

&lt;hr width80&gt;
:'''Long Feng''': But you're not a Kyoshi Warrior, aren't you. Princess Azula of the Fire Nation.

===The Crossroads of Destiny===
:'''Aang''': Uh...
:'''Guru''': If you leave now, you won't be able enter the Avatar state at all!?
:'''Sokka''': Aang, are you okay?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Long Feng''': Now comes the part where I double cross you. Dai Li, arrest the Fire Nation princess! ''(The Dai Li don't move)'' I said arrest her! What is wrong with you?!
:'''Azula''': It's because they haven't made up their minds. They're waiting to see how this is going to end.
:'''Long Feng''': What are you talking about?
:'''Azula''': I can see your whole history in your eyes. You were born with nothing, so you've had to struggle, and connive, and claw your way to power. But true power, the divine right to rule, is something you're born with. The fact is, they don't know which one of us is going to be sitting on that throne, and which one is going to be bowing down. But I know, and you know. ''(She sits on the throne)'' Well?
''[She and Long Feng lock eyes; after a long moment, Long Feng kneels before her]''
:'''Long Feng''': ... You've beaten me at my own game.
:'''Azula''': Don't flatter yourself. You were never even a player.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zuko''': Uncle, I don't understand. What are you doing with the Avatar?
:'''Aang''': ''[glares at him]'' Saving you, that's what.
:''[Zuko starts to advance on him, but Iroh holds him back]''
:'''Iroh''': It's time we talked. ''[to Aang]'' Go help your other friends. We'll catch up with you.
:''[Aang and Katara leave]''
:'''Zuko''': ''[not looking Iroh directly in the eye]'' Why, Uncle?
:'''Iroh''': ''[seriously]'' You're not the man you used to be, Zuko. You are stronger, and wiser, and freer than you have ''ever'' been. And now you've come to the crossroads of your destiny. It's time for you to choose. It's time for you to choose ''good''.
:''[Iroh is suddenly immobilized by crystals, startling Zuko]''
:'''Azula''': ''[enters followed by two Dai Li Agents]'' I expected this kind of treachery from Uncle. But Zuko, ''Prince'' Zuko. You're a lot of things, but you aren't a traitor, are you?
:'''Zuko''':  Release him immediately!
:'''Azula''':''[slyly]'' It's not too late for you, Zuko. You could still redeem yourself.
:'''Iroh''': The kind of &quot;redemption&quot; she offers is not for you!
:'''Azula''': ''[glares at him]'' Why don't you let ''him'' decide, Uncle?  I need you, Zuko. I've plotted every move of this day, this glorious day in Fire Nation history, and the only way we win is ''together''. At the end of this day, you will have your honor back. You will have Father's love. You will have ''everything'' you want.
:'''Iroh''': Zuko, I am begging you.  Look into your heart and see what it is you truly want.
:'''Azula''': You are free to choose. 
''[she gestures for the Dai Li to leave, then pursues Aang and Katara, as Zuko considers his choice.]''

==External links==
[[Category:Avatar: The Last Airbender seasons]]</text>
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:'''Seasons:''' [[Avatar: The Last Airbender (season 1)|1]] [[Avatar: The Last Airbender (season 2) |2]] [[Avatar: The Last Airbender (season 3)|3]] | [[Avatar: The Last Airbender|Main]] | ''[[The Legend of Korra]]'' ([[The Legend of Korra (season 1)|1]] [[The Legend of Korra (season 2)|2]] [[The Legend of Korra (season 3)|3]] [[The Legend of Korra (season 4)|4]])
----
The following is a list of quotes from the second season ''[[Avatar: The Last Airbender]]''.

===The Avatar State===
:'''Captain''': Princess, I'm afraid the tides will not allow us to bring the ship into port before nightfall.
:'''Azula''':  I'm sorry, Captain, but I do not know much about the tides.  Can you explain something to me?
:'''Captain''':  Of course, Your Highness.
:'''Azula''':  Do the ''tides'' command this ship?
:'''Captain''':  Um... I'm afraid I don't understand.
:'''Azula''':  You said the tides would not allow us to bring the ship in.  ''Do'' the tides command this ship?
:'''Captain''': ...No, Princess.
:'''Azula''': And, if I were to have you thrown overboard, would the tides think twice about smashing you against the rocky shore?
:'''Captain''': ''[nervously]''... No, Princess.
:'''Azula''':  Well, then maybe you should worry less about the tides, who've already made up their mind about killing you, and worry more about ''me'', who's still mulling it over.
:'''Captain''': I'll put us in.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[General Fong and his men are attacking Aang in attempt to force him into the Avatar State.  Katara attacks some of the Earthbenders with her waterbending]''
:'''Fong''': (''to Aang'') Maybe ''you'' can avoid me... but ''she'' can't.
:''[Katara launches a water attack at Fong, but he deflects it with earth and causes her to sink into the ground up to her knees]''
:'''Katara''': Aah! I can't move!?
:'''Aang''': (''angry and frightened'') Don't hurt her! 
:''[He airbends at Fong, who deflects it]''
:'''Sokka''': Katara, no!?
:''[He tries to help her, but Fong uses earthbending to knocks him off his ostrich-horse]''
:'''Aang''': (''grabs Fong's arm'') Stop this!  You have to let her go!
:'''Fong''': You could ''save'' her if you were in the Avatar State!
:'''Aang''': (''tearfully'') I'm trying!?  I'm ''trying!?''
:'''Katara''': Aang, I'm sinking!?
:''[She sinks up to her waist]''
:'''Fong''': I don't see any glowing! (''he sinks Katara up to her neck'')
:'''Katara''': Aah!! Please!?
:'''Aang''': You don't have to do this!?
:'''Fong''': Apparently... I ''do''.
''[He closes his fist, and Katara is buried completely; Aang leaps to pull her out, but is too late.  He turns towards Fong, his face full of rage and his tattoos and eyes glowing, indicating that he has entered the Avatar State]''
:'''Fong''': It worked!  It worked!
:''[His expression turns to fear as a massive cyclone of wind begins to form around Aang]''

===The Cave of Two Lovers===
:'''Iroh''': Zuko, remember that plant that I thought might be tea? 
:'''Zuko''': You didn't!
:'''Iroh''': I did. ''[Iroh turns around to reveal his red, swollen face which he is scratching]'' And it wasn't.  
:'''Zuko''': Yah!
:'''Iroh''': When the rash spreads to my throat, I will stop breathing. But look what I found! These are bacui berries, known to cure the poison of the white jade plant. That, or macahoni berries that cause blindness. 
:'''Zuko''': We're not taking any more chances with these plants! We need to get help.
:'''Iroh''': But where are we going to go? We're enemies of the Earth Kingdom, and fugitives from the Fire Nation. 
:'''Zuko''': If the Earth Kingdom discovers us, they'll have us killed. 
:'''Iroh''': But if the Fire Nation discovers us, we'll be turned over to Azula. 
:''[Both look at one another and nod]''
:'''Zuko''': Earth Kingdom it is. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Katara''': I have a crazy idea...
:'''Aang''': What?
:'''Katara''': Never mind. It's too crazy.
:'''Aang''': Katara, what is it?
:'''Katara''': ''(looking away)'' I was thinking... the curse says we'll be trapped in here forever unless we trust in love.
:'''Aang''': Right.
:'''Katara''': And here it says &quot;love is brightest in the dark&quot; and...has a picture of them kissing...
:'''Aang''': ''(clueless)'' Where are you going with this?
:'''Katara''': Well...what if we kissed?
:'''Aang''': ''(shocked)'' Us kissing?!
:'''Katara''': See? It was a crazy idea.
:'''Aang''':  Us...''(dreamily)'' kissing.
:'''Katara''': ''(laughing)'' Us, kissing. What was I thinking? Can you imagine that?
:'''Aang''': Yeah.''(laughs)'' I definitely wouldn't want to kiss you.
:'''Katara''': ''(slightly hurt)'' Well, I didn't realize it was such a horrible option! Sorry I suggested it!
:'''Aang''': No, I mean, if it was a choice between kissing you and dying-
:'''Katara''': ''(turning away from him)''Ugh!
:'''Aang''': What?! I'm saying I'd rather kiss you than die! That's a compliment! 
:'''Katara''': Well, I'm not sure which I'd rather do! ''(walks away)''
:'''Aang''': ''(sadly)'' What is wrong with me?

===Return to Omashu===
:'''Sokka''': ''[scared]'' ''AAAAHH!! YOU WON'T LET GO!! HELP!!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The little baby begins teething on Sokka's boomerang. Sokka takes it away.]''
:'''Sokka''': No! Bad Fire Nation baby! ''[The baby starts crying. Katara hits Sokka in the head.]'' OW!!
:'''Katara''': Sokka, don't do that!
:'''Sokka''': Oh, alright. ''[He gives his boomerang back to the baby to teeth on it. Katara hugs him from behind.]''
:'''Katara''': ''[baby voice]'' Oooh, you're so cute. Mmmm... ''[cut to resistance leader Yung observing the baby.]''
:'''Yung''': Sure, he's cute now... but when he's older, he'll join the Fire Nation army. You won't think he's so cute then. He'll be a killer.
:'''Katara''': ''[picks up the baby to Yung]'' Does ''that'' look like the face of a killer to you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after escaping from Azula, Aang confronts King Bumi inside a metal coffin about why he surrendered]''
:'''Aang''': I don't understand. Why didn't you free yourself? Why did you surrender when Omashu was invaded? What's the matter with you, Bumi?!
:'''King Bumi''': ''[calmly]'' Listen to me, Aang. There are options in fighting called jing. It's a choice of how you direct your energy.
:'''Aang''': I know! ''[counts with two fingers]'' There's positive jing when you're attacking, and negative jing when you're retreating.
:'''King Bumi''': And neutral jing, when you do nothing!
:'''Aang''': ''[suddenly surprised]'' There are ''three'' jings?
:'''King Bumi''': Well, technically there are eighty-five, but let's just focus on the third. Neutral jing is the key to earthbending. It involves listening and waiting for the right moment to strike.
:'''Aang''': That's why you surrendered, isn't it?
:'''King Bumi''': Yes, and it's why I can't leave now. ''[Aang sadly turns around, feeling disappointed]''
:'''Aang''': I guess I need to find someone else to teach me earthbending.
:'''King Bumi''': Your teacher will be someone who has mastered neutral jing. You need to find someone who ''waits and listens'' before striking. ''[Momo lands on Aang's shoulders]''
:'''Aang''': ''[happily]'' Hey, Momo!
:'''King Bumi''': Momo's mastered a few jings himself! ''[Momo screeches loudly at Bumi]'' Goodbye, Aang. I'll see you when the time is right.

===The Swamp===
:'''Katara''': Sokka, you've got an elbow leech!
:'''Sokka''': Where?! Where?!
:'''Katara''': Where do you think?
:''[He rips the leech off his elbow.]''
:'''Sokka''': WHY DO THINGS KEEP ATTACHING TO ME?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Huu''': ''[about the great banyan tree]'' See, this whole swamp is actually just one tree spread out over miles. Branches spread and sink, take root, and spread some more... One big living organism, just like the entire world.
:'''Aang''': I get how the tree is one big thing, but the whole world?
:'''Huu''': Sure. You think you're any different from me, or your friends, or this tree? If you listen hard enough, you can hear every living thing breathing together. You can feel everything growing. We are all living together, even if most folks don't act like it. We all have the same roots, and we are all branches of the same tree.
:'''Katara''': But what did our visions mean?
:'''Huu''': In the swamp, we see visions of people we've lost, people we loved, folks we think are gone. But the swamp tells us they're not. We're still connected to 'em. [[Time]] is an [[illusion]], and so is [[death]].
:'''Aang''': But what about my vision? It was someone I had never met.
:'''Huu''': You're the Avatar. You tell me.
:'''Aang''': ''[contemplates]'' Time is an illusion... So, it's someone I ''will'' meet.

===Avatar Day===
:'''Zuko''': There is no honor for me without the Avatar.
:'''Iroh''': Zuko, even if you did capture the Avatar, I'm not so sure it would solve our problems. Not now.
:'''Zuko''': Then there is no hope at all.
:'''Iroh''': No, Zuko! You must never give into despair. Allow yourself to slip down that road, and you surrender to your lowest instincts. In the darkest times, hope is something you give ''yourself''. That is the meaning of inner strength.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aang''': I said I would face justice, so I will. ''(spins Wheel of Punishment)''
:'''Spectator 1''': ''(rooting)'' Come on, torture machine!
:'''Old Man''': Eaten by bears!
:'''Spectator 2''': Razor pit!
:'''Katara''': ''(worried)'' Community service! Please land on community service.

===The Blind Bandit===
:'''The Boulder''': The Boulder feels conflicted about fighting a young blind girl.
:'''[[w:Toph|Toph]]''': Sounds to me like you're ''scared'', Boulder!
:'''The Boulder''': ...The Boulder's over his conflicted feelings, and now he's ready to bury you in a rockalanche!
:'''Toph''': Whenever you're ready, the Pebble! ''(laughs evil-like)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Toph''': (Aang has just entered the ring) Do people really want to see ''two'' little girls fighting out here?
:'''Aang''': ''(to Toph)'' I don't really want to fight you. I want to talk to you.
:'''Sokka''': BOO! NO TALKING!
:'''Katara''': Don't boo at him! ''[hits Sokka on the arm]''

===Zuko Alone===
:'''Soldier 1''': Hey! Did you throw that egg?
:'''Zuko''': No.
:'''Soldier 1''': Did you see who did it?
:'''Zuko''': No.
:'''Soldier 1''': That egg had to've come from somewhere.
:'''Zuko''': Maybe a chicken flew over.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Young Zuko''': Stupid turtle duck? Why you do that?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ozai''': Father, you must have realized as I have that with Lu Ten gone, Iroh's bloodline has ended. After his son's death, my brother abandoned the siege at Ba Sing Se, and who knows when he'll return home. But I am here, Father, and my children are alive.
:'''Azulon''': Say what it is you want!
:'''Ozai''': Father, revoke Iroh's birthright. I am your humble servant, here to serve you and our nation. Use me.
:'''Azulon''': You dare suggest I betray Iroh, my first born, directly after the demise of his only beloved son?! I think that Iroh has suffered enough. But you, your punishment has scarcely begun!

===The Chase===
''[Azula has tracked Aang down to a deserted town]''
:'''Azula''': Do you ''really'' want to fight me?
''[Zuko suddenly arrives, jumping off his ostrich-horse]''
:'''Zuko''': Yes, I really do.
:'''Azula''': I was wondering when you'd show up, Zuzu.
:'''Aang''': ''[stifles a laugh]'' &quot;Zuzu?&quot;
:'''Zuko''': ''[assumes a fighting stance]'' Back off, Azula. He's mine!
:'''Azula''': ''[Confidently]''... I'm not going ''anywhere.''
''[She assumes a fighting stance as well]''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Toph and Iroh begin to share a conversation over tea on a rocky hilltop]''
:'''Toph''': People see me and think I'm weak. They want to take care of me, but I can take care of myself, by myself.
:'''Iroh''': You sound like my nephew, always thinking you need to do things on your own, without anyone's support. There is nothing wrong with letting the people who love you help you. Not that I love you, I just met you.
:'''Toph''': ''[laughs]'' So where is your nephew?
:'''Iroh''': I've been tracking him, actually.
:'''Toph''': Is he lost?
:'''Iroh''': ''[looks away; slightly sad]'' Yes, a little bit. ''[cuts to shot of the rocky ledge where the two sit, the mountain region in the background]'' His life has recently changed and he's going through very difficult times. He's trying to figure out who he is and he went away.
:'''Toph''': So now you're following him.
:'''Iroh''': I know he doesn't want me around him right now, but if he needs me, I'll be there.
:'''Toph''': Your nephew is very lucky, even if he doesn't know it. ''[gets up to leave]'' Thank you.
:'''Iroh''': My pleasure. Sharing tea with a fascinating stranger is one of life's true delights.
:'''Toph''': ''[happily]'' No, thank you for what you said. It helped me.
:'''Iroh''': I'm glad. ''[Toph rises to leave, but turns around briefly]''
:'''Toph''': Oh, and about your nephew... Maybe you should tell him that you need him, too.

===Bitter Work===
:''[Sokka is buried in the earth and a hippo comes running with an apple in its mouth]''
:'''Sokka''': Hey! Looks like my karma is already paying off.
:''[Hippo rolls the apple but not within range of Sokka's hands or mouth]''
:'''Sokka''' [Elated]: That's okay. I got it.
:''[Sokka struggles to move hands but boomerang instead falls out off his bag]''
:'''Sokka''' [after 10 second pause and annoyed]: Now come back, boomerang.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Iroh''': ''[drawing the Fire Nation symbol in the sand before Zuko]'' Fire is the element of power. The people of the Fire Nation have desire and will, and the energy and drive to achieve what they want. ''[draws the Earth Kingdom symbol]'' Earth is the element of substance. The people of the Earth Kingdom are diverse and strong. They are persistent and enduring. ''[draws the Air Nomads symbol]'' Air is the element of freedom. The Air Nomads detached themselves from worldly concerns and found peace and freedom. Also, they apparently had pretty good senses of ''humor''! ''[grins]'' 
:''[Zuko stares blankly at Iroh]''
:'''Iroh''': ''[continuing, drawing the Water Tribe symbol]'' Water is the element of change. The people of the Water Tribe are capable of adapting to many things. They have a deep sense of community and love that holds them together though anything. 
:'''Zuko''': Why are you telling me these things?
:'''Iroh''': It is important to draw wisdom from many different places. If we take it from only one place, it becomes rigid and stale. Understanding others, the other elements, and the other nations, will help you become whole.
:'''Zuko''': All this &quot;Four Elements&quot; talk is sounding like Avatar stuff.
:'''Iroh''': It is the combination of the four elements within one person that makes the Avatar so powerful.  But, it can make you more powerful, too. (''prods him in the chest with his staff'')  You see, the technique I am about to teach you is one I learned by studying the Waterbenders.

===The Library===
:'''Wan Shi Tong''': ''(leers to a nervous Sokka)'' So, who are ''you'' trying to destroy?
:'''Sokka''': What? No! No destroying, we're not into that.
:'''Wan Shi Tong''': Then why are you here?
:'''Sokka''': ''(hesitates)'' Umm... Knowledge for knowledge's sake?
:''(pause)''
:'''Wan Shi Tong''': If you're going to lie to an all-knowing spirit being, you should at least put some effort into it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Wan Shi Tong confronts Team Avatar and Professor Zei in the planetarium for obtaining knowledge on the next solar eclipse]''
:'''Wan Shi Tong''': You betrayed my trust. From the beginning, you intended to misuse this knowledge for evil purposes.
:'''Sokka''': You don't understand. If anyone's evil, it's the Fire Nation! You saw what they did to your library. They're destructive and dangerous. We need this information!
:'''Wan Shi Tong''': You think you're the first person to believe their war was justified? Countless others before you have come here, seeking weapons, weaknesses or battle strategies!
:'''Aang''': We had no choice. Please, we're just desperate to protect the people we love!
:'''Wan Shi Tong''': And now ''I'm'' going to protect what ''I'' love. 
:''(Wan Shi Tong spreads his wings; the library starts to shake and flood with sand)''
:'''Aang''': What are you doing?!
:'''Wan Shi Tong''': I'm taking my knowledge back. No one will ever abuse it again!
:'''Katara''': He's sinking the building! We've gotta get out of here!
:'''Wan Shi Tong''': I'm afraid I can't allow that. You already know too much. (''shrieks and chases them'')

===The Desert===
:''(Both Sokka and Momo are hallucinating after drinking cactus juice)''
:'''Sokka''': Drink cactus juice, it'll quench ya. Nothing's quenchier. It's the quenchiest!
:'''Katara''': ''[throws away the piece of cactus]'' Okay, I think you had enough.
:'''Sokka''': Who lit Toph on fire?
''[Momo spins in a circle in the air and dive bombs to the ground.]''
:'''Toph''': Can I get some of that cactus?
:'''Katara''': I don’t think that’s a good idea. Come on, we need to find Aang.
''[She and Toph walk on; when Sokka doesn't follow, Katara grabs him and drags him along with them]''
:'''Sokka''': How did we get out here in the middle of the ocean?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Aang confronts a group of sandbenders, including the ones who stole Appa]''
:'''Aang''': You tell me where he is, ''now''! 
:''[He obliterates one of the sand-sailers with airbending]''
:'''Sha-Mo''': ''[sternly, to his son]'' What did you ''do''?!
:'''Gashiun''': I-It wasn't me!
:'''Toph''': You said to put a muzzle on him!
:'''Aang''': ''[enraged]'' You ''muzzled'' Appa?!
:''[Aang enters the Avatar State; he smashes another of the sand-sailers]''
:'''Gashiun''': I'm sorry! I didn't know it belonged to the Avatar!
:'''Aang''': ''[shouts with the voices of past Avatars]'' '''''TELL ME WHERE APPA IS!!'''''
:'''Gashiun''': I-I traded him, to some merchants! He's... probably in Ba Sing Se by now. They were gonna sell him there. ''[Aang's glowing eyes narrow]'' Please, we'll escort you out of the desert! We'll help however we can!
:''[A cyclone erupts around Aang, obscuring everything.  Sokka grabs Toph's arm]''
:'''Sokka''': ''[to the sandbenders]'' Just get out of here! ''RUN!''
:''[Everyone flees from Aang, except Katara. As he rises off the ground, she approaches him and grabs his arm; he stares down at her, his face contorted with rage and grief.  Katara pulls him back down to the ground.  As the winds begin to die down, Sokka sees tears running from Aang's eyes as Katara hugs him]''

===Journey to Ba Sing Se Part 1: The Serpent's Pass===
:''[Suki asks Sokka why he is being overprotective of her]''
:'''Sokka''': It's so hard to lose someone you care about. Something happened at the North Pole and I couldn't protect someone. I don't want anything like that to ever happen again.
:'''Suki''': I lost someone I cared about. He didn't die. He just went away. I only had a few days to get to know him, but he was smart and brave and funny...
:'''Sokka''': ''(suspiciously)'' Who is this guy? Is he taller than me?
:'''Suki''': ''(deadpan)'' No. He's about your height.
:'''Sokka''': Is he better-looking?
:'''Suki''': It ''is'' you, stupid!
:'''Sokka''': Oh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sokka''': Suki, you know about giant sea monsters, do something!
:'''Suki''': Just because I live near the Unagi doesn't mean I'm an expert.
:'''Sokka''': ''[picks up Momo and offers it to the Sea Serpent]'' Oh great and powerful sea serpent, please accept this humble and tasty offering. Thank You.
:'''Katara''': Sokka!
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

===Journey to Ba Sing Se Part 2: The Drill===
:'''Mai''': She [Azula] can shoot all the lightning she wants at me, I'm not going into that wall sludge juice. ''(Shudders, then closes hatch Katara, Sokka, and Ty Lee jumped into)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Toph takes the group under ground]''
:'''Sokka''': It's so dark down here. I can't see a thing.
:'''Toph''': (''Sarcastically'') Oh no, what a nightmare!
:'''Sokka''': Sorry.

===City of Walls and Secrets===
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Toph''': Well, no offense to you simple country folk, but a real society crowd would spot you from a mile away. You've got no manners. 
:'''Katara''':  Excuse me? I've got no manners? You're not exactly lady fancy fingers.
:'''Toph''': ''[burps]'' I learned proper society behavior and chose to leave it. You never learned anything. And frankly, it's a little too late. 
:'''Sokka''': Ah-Ha, but you learned it. You could teach us.
:'''Aang''': Yeah, I'm mastering every element. How hard could manners be? ''[grabs a nearby curtain and drapes it around himself like a robe, and begins talking in a very sophisticated manner]'' Good evening, Mr. Sokka Watertribe. Ms. Katara Watertribe. Lord Momo of the Momo Dynasty, your Momo-ness.
:'''Sokka''': ''[in a fancy accent]'' Avatar Aang how you ''do'' go on!
:''[Both of them take turns bowing then try to bow at the same time, but they knock each other's foreheads' together and fall backward]''
:'''Toph''': Katara might be able to pull it off, but you two would be lucky to pass as busboys.
:'''Sokka''': But I feel so fancy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sokka''': Why won't you let us talk to the King?!  We have information that could ''defeat'' the Fire Nation!
:'''Long Feng''':  The Earth King has no time to get involved in political squabbles and the day-to-day minutia of military activities.
:'''Aang''': This could be the most important thing he's ever heard!
:'''Long Feng''':  What's ''most'' important to His Royal majesty is maintaining the ''cultural'' heritage of Ba Sing Se.  All his duties relate to issuing decrees on such matters.  It's ''my'' job to oversee the rest of the city's resources... including the military.
:'''Katara''':  So the King is just a figurehead.
:'''Toph''': He's your puppet!
:'''Long Feng''': Oh, no, no!  His majesty is an icon, a ''god'' to his people.  He can't sully his hands with the hourly changes of an endless war.
:'''Sokka''':  But we found out about a solar eclipse that will leave the Fire Nation defenseless!  You could lead an invasion-
:'''Long Feng''': ''[stands up] Enough.'' I don't want to hear your ridiculous plan.  It is the strict policy of Ba Sing Se, that the war ''not'' be mentioned inside these walls. [As he speaks, the Dai Li are shown taking Jet to a secret facility]'' Constant news of an escalating war will throw the citizens of Ba Sing Se into a state of panic.
:'''Jet''': ''[as the Dai Li strapped him into a chair]'' You have to believe me!?  They're Firebenders!?  They won't stop until they win the war!?
:'''Dai Li Agent''': ''[to Jet]'' Calm down.  You're safe now. ''[a light begins rotating in front of Jet at eye level]''
:'''Long Feng''': Our economy would be ruined.  Our peaceful way of life, our traditions, would disappear.
:'''Dai Li Agent''': ''[to Jet]'' There's no war in Ba Sing Se.
:'''Jet''': What are you talking about?!  Where do you think all the refugees come from?  You can't hide it?! ''[The Dai Li gag him as the light continues to rotate]''
:'''Long Feng''': In silencing talk of conflict, Ba Sing Se remains a peaceful, orderly utopia... the last one on Earth.
:'''Dai Li Agent''': ''[to Jet, muffled]'' There is no war within the walls.  Here, we are safe.  Here, we are free.
:'''Katara''': You can't keep the truth from all these people.  They have to know!
:'''Aang''':  I'll tell them!  I'll make sure everyone knows
:'''Long Feng''':  Until now, you've been treated as our honored guest.  But from now on, you will be watched by Dai Li agents.  If you mention the war to ''anyone'', you will be expelled from the city.  I understand you've been looking for your bison?  It would be quite a ''shame'' if you were unable to complete your quest. ''[Aang glares at him]''  Now, Joo Dee will show you home.
''[A different young woman enters, with an equally blank smile on her face, startling Team Avatar]''
:'''Young Woman''':  Come with me, please.
:'''Katara''': What happened to Joo Dee?
:'''Young Woman''': ''I'm'' Joo Dee.  I'll be your host as long as you're in our wonderful city.

===The Tales of Ba Sing Se===
:''(Katara opens a door and sees Toph lying facedown on the floor, asleep)''
:'''Katara''': Toph, aren't you gonna get ready for the day?
:''(Toph wakes up, hair frazzled, and spits)''
:'''Toph''': I'm ready.
:'''Katara''': Aren't you gonna clean up? You've got a little dirt on your....everywhere actually.
:'''Toph''': You call it dirt. I call it a healthy coating of earth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(A mugger approaches Iroh in an alley)''
:'''Mugger''': You! Hand over your money!
:''(Iroh looks down and notices the mugger's unstable stance)''
:'''Iroh''': What are you doing?
:'''Mugger''': I'm mugging you!
:'''Iroh''': With that stance??
:'''Mugger''': Wha… What are you talking about? Just give me your money, old man!
:'''Iroh''': With a poor stance you are unbalanced and can be easily knocked over.
:''(Iroh knocks mugger down and then helps him up)''
:'''Iroh''': With a solid stance you are a much more serious threat! 

===Appa's Lost Days===
:''[Azula is talking to the Kyoshi warriors, who fight with fans]''
:'''Azula''': Who are you?  The Avatar's ''fangirls''?
:''[a short pause]''
:'''Ty Lee''': ...Oh!  I get it!  Good one Azula.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Mai pins a Kyoshi warrior to a tree with her shurikens]''
:'''Mai''': You're so colorful, it's making me ''nauseous''. (''launches darts at another warrior'')
:''[Ty Lee unleashes a flurry of jabs into the back of a Kyoshi warrior, dropping her, and unleashes a final taunt]''
:'''Ty Lee''': You are ''not'' prettier than we are.

===Lake Laogai===
:'''Sokka''': Hey, I thought designing the &quot;Lost Appa&quot; poster was my job! I've been working all day on my Appa!
:(''shows Katara and Aang his picture.  Katara is visibly trying not to laugh.''')
:'''Aang''': Sokka, the arrow is on Appa's ''head''.
:'''Sokka''': This ''is'' his head!
:'''Katara''': Why are ''feet'' coming out of it?
:'''Sokka''': Those are his horns! I haven't seen him in a while, okay?
:'''Toph''': It looks just like him to me.
:'''Sokka''': Thank you, I worked really--[''breaks off, remembering that Toph is blind'']...Why do you feel the need to do that?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zuko''': (looking at the tied-up Appa) Uncle?
:'''Iroh''': (walks into the cell) So, the Blue Spirit? I wonder who could be behind that mask?
:'''Zuko''': What are you doing here?
:'''Iroh''': I was just about to ask you the same thing. What do you plan to do now that you've found the Avatar's bison? Keep it locked in our new apartment? Should I go put on a pot of ''tea'' for him?!
:'''Zuko''': First I have to get it out of here.
:'''Iroh''': And then ''what''?! You never think these things through! This is exactly what happened when you captured the Avatar at the North Pole! You had him, and then you had nowhere to go!
:'''Zuko''': I would've figured something out.
:'''Iroh''': No! If his friends hadn't found you, you would have frozen to death!
:'''Zuko''': ''(very angry)'' I know my own destiny, Uncle.
:'''Iroh''': Is it your own destiny, or is it a destiny someone else has tried to force on you?
:'''Zuko''': Stop it, Uncle! I have to do this!
:'''Iroh''': I'm ''begging'' you, Prince Zuko! It's time for you to look inward and begin asking yourself the big questions: Who are you, and What do ''you'' want?
:'''Zuko''': ''(Yells in frustration and throws his Blue Spirit mask and swords down.)''

===The Earth King===
:'''Sokka''': Looks like Long Feng is long gone! (''laughs'') Oh, I've been waiting to use that one!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Toph''': I've seen enough of Ba Sing Se. And I can't even see!

===The Guru===
&lt;hr width80&gt;
:'''Guru Pathik''': The greatest illusion of this world is the illusion of separation. Things you think are separate and different are actually one and the same.
:'''Aang''': Like the four nations.
:'''Guru Pathik''': Yes. We are all one people, but we live as if divided.
:'''Aang''': We're all connected. Everything is connected.

&lt;hr width80&gt;
:'''Aang''': This is the last chakra, isn't it?
:'''Guru Pathik''': Yes. Once you open this chakra, you will be able to go in and out of the Avatar State at will. And when you are in the Avatar State, you will have complete control and awareness of all your actions.
:'''Aang''': Let's do this!
:'''Guru Pathik''': The thought chakra is located at the crown of the head. It deals with pure cosmic energy, and is blocked by earthly attachment. Meditate on what attaches you to this world.
:''(Aang imagines various images and memories of Katara)''
:'''Guru Pathik''': Now, let all of those attachments go. Let them flow down the river, forgotten.
:'''Aang''': ''(snapping out of his meditation)'' What? Why would I let go of Katara? I...I-I love her!
:'''Guru Pathik''': Learn to let her go, or you cannot let the pure cosmic energy flow in from the universe.
:'''Aang''': Why would I choose ''cosmic energy'' over Katara? How could it be a bad thing that I feel an attachment to her? Three chakras ago, that was a good thing!
:'''Guru Pathik''': You ''must'' learn to let go.

&lt;hr width80&gt;
:'''Azula''': Oh, don't worry, let should to be now. ''[Ty Lee attacks Katara and grunts]'' So, Zuzu in the city too, I think it's times to the family reunion.
:'''Aang''': I'm sorry, but I can't let go of Katara.
:'''Guru Pathik''': Aang, to master the Avatar State, you must open ''all'' the chakras. Surrender yourself.
:'''Aang''': Okay, I'll try.
:'''Guru Pathik''': Now think of your attachments. And let them go. Let the pure cosmic energy flow.
:''(He meditates again, beginning to let Katara go. We then see him suspended above the planet, facing a giant, glowing version of himself in the Avatar State. He begins to walk towards it and his tattoos start to glow. Suddenly, however, he hears Katara scream and sees a vision of her in chains and begins to run towards her.)
:'''Karata''': '''LET ME GO!!'''
:''(His tattoos fade along with the solid light beneath his feet, and so he falls back to the earth)''
:'''Aang''': (shocked) Katara's in danger! I have to go! ''(Aang gets up and begins to runs off)''
:'''Guru Pathik''': No Aang! By choosing attachment you have this locked the chakra! If you leave now, you won't be able to enter the Avatar State ''at all''!?
:'''Long Feng''': ''[disembodied] Enough, I don't want to your ridicolous plan.'' 
:''(After a moment's hesitation, Aang runs off)''

&lt;hr width80&gt;
:'''Yu''': It's another one her tricks!?
:'''Xin Fu''': There's in a giant hole in a box. How is that trick?!
:'''Toph''': It's not! It's a real deal!

&lt;hr width80&gt;
:'''Long Feng''': But you're not a Kyoshi Warrior, aren't you. Princess Azula of the Fire Nation.

===The Crossroads of Destiny===
:'''Aang''': Uh...
:'''Guru''': If you leave now, you won't be able enter the Avatar state at all!?
:'''Sokka''': Aang, are you okay?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Long Feng''': Now comes the part where I double cross you. Dai Li, arrest the Fire Nation princess! ''(The Dai Li don't move)'' I said arrest her! ''(The Dai li don't move again)'' What is wrong with you?!
:'''Azula''': It's because they haven't made up their minds. They're waiting to see how this is going to end.
:'''Long Feng''': What are you talking about?
:'''Azula''': I can see your whole history in your eyes. You were born with nothing, so you've had to struggle, and connive, and claw your way to power. But true power, the divine right to rule, is something you're born with. The fact is, they don't know which one of us is going to be sitting on that throne, and which one is going to be bowing down. But I know, and you know. ''(She sits on the throne)'' Well?
''[She and Long Feng lock eyes; after a long moment, Long Feng kneels before her]''
:'''Long Feng''': ... You've beaten me at my own game.
:'''Azula''': Don't flatter yourself. You were never even a player.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zuko''': Uncle, I don't understand. What are you doing with the Avatar?
:'''Aang''': ''[glares at him]'' Saving you, that's what.
:''[Zuko starts to advance on him, but Iroh holds him back]''
:'''Iroh''': It's time we talked. ''[to Aang]'' Go help your other friends. We'll catch up with you.
:''[Aang and Katara leave]''
:'''Zuko''': ''[not looking Iroh directly in the eye]'' Why, Uncle?
:'''Iroh''': ''[seriously]'' You're not the man you used to be, Zuko. You are stronger, and wiser, and freer than you have ''ever'' been. And now you've come to the crossroads of your destiny. It's time for you to choose. It's time for you to choose ''good''.
:''[Iroh is suddenly immobilized by crystals, startling Zuko]''
:'''Azula''': ''[enters followed by two Dai Li Agents]'' I expected this kind of treachery from Uncle. But Zuko, ''Prince'' Zuko. You're a lot of things, but you aren't a traitor, are you?
:'''Zuko''':  Release him immediately!
:'''Azula''':''[slyly]'' It's not too late for you, Zuko. You could still redeem yourself.
:'''Iroh''': The kind of &quot;redemption&quot; she offers is not for you!
:'''Azula''': ''[glares at him]'' Why don't you let ''him'' decide, Uncle?  I need you, Zuko. I've plotted every move of this day, this glorious day in Fire Nation history, and the only way we win is ''together''. At the end of this day, you will have your honor back. You will have Father's love. You will have ''everything'' you want.
:'''Iroh''': Zuko, I am begging you.  Look into your heart and see what it is you truly want.
:'''Azula''': You are free to choose. 
''[she gestures for the Dai Li to leave, then pursues Aang and Katara, as Zuko considers his choice.]''

==External links==
[[Category:Avatar: The Last Airbender seasons]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3147452</id>
      <parentid>3147451</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T15:10:34Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1702:F40:34E0:6997:8E8E:EDA0:DCC1</ip>
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      <comment>/* The Crossroads of Destiny */</comment>
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:'''Seasons:''' [[Avatar: The Last Airbender (season 1)|1]] [[Avatar: The Last Airbender (season 2) |2]] [[Avatar: The Last Airbender (season 3)|3]] | [[Avatar: The Last Airbender|Main]] | ''[[The Legend of Korra]]'' ([[The Legend of Korra (season 1)|1]] [[The Legend of Korra (season 2)|2]] [[The Legend of Korra (season 3)|3]] [[The Legend of Korra (season 4)|4]])
----
The following is a list of quotes from the second season ''[[Avatar: The Last Airbender]]''.

===The Avatar State===
:'''Captain''': Princess, I'm afraid the tides will not allow us to bring the ship into port before nightfall.
:'''Azula''':  I'm sorry, Captain, but I do not know much about the tides.  Can you explain something to me?
:'''Captain''':  Of course, Your Highness.
:'''Azula''':  Do the ''tides'' command this ship?
:'''Captain''':  Um... I'm afraid I don't understand.
:'''Azula''':  You said the tides would not allow us to bring the ship in.  ''Do'' the tides command this ship?
:'''Captain''': ...No, Princess.
:'''Azula''': And, if I were to have you thrown overboard, would the tides think twice about smashing you against the rocky shore?
:'''Captain''': ''[nervously]''... No, Princess.
:'''Azula''':  Well, then maybe you should worry less about the tides, who've already made up their mind about killing you, and worry more about ''me'', who's still mulling it over.
:'''Captain''': I'll put us in.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[General Fong and his men are attacking Aang in attempt to force him into the Avatar State.  Katara attacks some of the Earthbenders with her waterbending]''
:'''Fong''': (''to Aang'') Maybe ''you'' can avoid me... but ''she'' can't.
:''[Katara launches a water attack at Fong, but he deflects it with earth and causes her to sink into the ground up to her knees]''
:'''Katara''': Aah! I can't move!?
:'''Aang''': (''angry and frightened'') Don't hurt her! 
:''[He airbends at Fong, who deflects it]''
:'''Sokka''': Katara, no!?
:''[He tries to help her, but Fong uses earthbending to knocks him off his ostrich-horse]''
:'''Aang''': (''grabs Fong's arm'') Stop this!  You have to let her go!
:'''Fong''': You could ''save'' her if you were in the Avatar State!
:'''Aang''': (''tearfully'') I'm trying!?  I'm ''trying!?''
:'''Katara''': Aang, I'm sinking!?
:''[She sinks up to her waist]''
:'''Fong''': I don't see any glowing! (''he sinks Katara up to her neck'')
:'''Katara''': Aah!! Please!?
:'''Aang''': You don't have to do this!?
:'''Fong''': Apparently... I ''do''.
''[He closes his fist, and Katara is buried completely; Aang leaps to pull her out, but is too late.  He turns towards Fong, his face full of rage and his tattoos and eyes glowing, indicating that he has entered the Avatar State]''
:'''Fong''': It worked!  It worked!
:''[His expression turns to fear as a massive cyclone of wind begins to form around Aang]''

===The Cave of Two Lovers===
:'''Iroh''': Zuko, remember that plant that I thought might be tea? 
:'''Zuko''': You didn't!
:'''Iroh''': I did. ''[Iroh turns around to reveal his red, swollen face which he is scratching]'' And it wasn't.  
:'''Zuko''': Yah!
:'''Iroh''': When the rash spreads to my throat, I will stop breathing. But look what I found! These are bacui berries, known to cure the poison of the white jade plant. That, or macahoni berries that cause blindness. 
:'''Zuko''': We're not taking any more chances with these plants! We need to get help.
:'''Iroh''': But where are we going to go? We're enemies of the Earth Kingdom, and fugitives from the Fire Nation. 
:'''Zuko''': If the Earth Kingdom discovers us, they'll have us killed. 
:'''Iroh''': But if the Fire Nation discovers us, we'll be turned over to Azula. 
:''[Both look at one another and nod]''
:'''Zuko''': Earth Kingdom it is. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Katara''': I have a crazy idea...
:'''Aang''': What?
:'''Katara''': Never mind. It's too crazy.
:'''Aang''': Katara, what is it?
:'''Katara''': ''(looking away)'' I was thinking... the curse says we'll be trapped in here forever unless we trust in love.
:'''Aang''': Right.
:'''Katara''': And here it says &quot;love is brightest in the dark&quot; and...has a picture of them kissing...
:'''Aang''': ''(clueless)'' Where are you going with this?
:'''Katara''': Well...what if we kissed?
:'''Aang''': ''(shocked)'' Us kissing?!
:'''Katara''': See? It was a crazy idea.
:'''Aang''':  Us...''(dreamily)'' kissing.
:'''Katara''': ''(laughing)'' Us, kissing. What was I thinking? Can you imagine that?
:'''Aang''': Yeah.''(laughs)'' I definitely wouldn't want to kiss you.
:'''Katara''': ''(slightly hurt)'' Well, I didn't realize it was such a horrible option! Sorry I suggested it!
:'''Aang''': No, I mean, if it was a choice between kissing you and dying-
:'''Katara''': ''(turning away from him)''Ugh!
:'''Aang''': What?! I'm saying I'd rather kiss you than die! That's a compliment! 
:'''Katara''': Well, I'm not sure which I'd rather do! ''(walks away)''
:'''Aang''': ''(sadly)'' What is wrong with me?

===Return to Omashu===
:'''Sokka''': ''[scared]'' ''AAAAHH!! YOU WON'T LET GO!! HELP!!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The little baby begins teething on Sokka's boomerang. Sokka takes it away.]''
:'''Sokka''': No! Bad Fire Nation baby! ''[The baby starts crying. Katara hits Sokka in the head.]'' OW!!
:'''Katara''': Sokka, don't do that!
:'''Sokka''': Oh, alright. ''[He gives his boomerang back to the baby to teeth on it. Katara hugs him from behind.]''
:'''Katara''': ''[baby voice]'' Oooh, you're so cute. Mmmm... ''[cut to resistance leader Yung observing the baby.]''
:'''Yung''': Sure, he's cute now... but when he's older, he'll join the Fire Nation army. You won't think he's so cute then. He'll be a killer.
:'''Katara''': ''[picks up the baby to Yung]'' Does ''that'' look like the face of a killer to you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after escaping from Azula, Aang confronts King Bumi inside a metal coffin about why he surrendered]''
:'''Aang''': I don't understand. Why didn't you free yourself? Why did you surrender when Omashu was invaded? What's the matter with you, Bumi?!
:'''King Bumi''': ''[calmly]'' Listen to me, Aang. There are options in fighting called jing. It's a choice of how you direct your energy.
:'''Aang''': I know! ''[counts with two fingers]'' There's positive jing when you're attacking, and negative jing when you're retreating.
:'''King Bumi''': And neutral jing, when you do nothing!
:'''Aang''': ''[suddenly surprised]'' There are ''three'' jings?
:'''King Bumi''': Well, technically there are eighty-five, but let's just focus on the third. Neutral jing is the key to earthbending. It involves listening and waiting for the right moment to strike.
:'''Aang''': That's why you surrendered, isn't it?
:'''King Bumi''': Yes, and it's why I can't leave now. ''[Aang sadly turns around, feeling disappointed]''
:'''Aang''': I guess I need to find someone else to teach me earthbending.
:'''King Bumi''': Your teacher will be someone who has mastered neutral jing. You need to find someone who ''waits and listens'' before striking. ''[Momo lands on Aang's shoulders]''
:'''Aang''': ''[happily]'' Hey, Momo!
:'''King Bumi''': Momo's mastered a few jings himself! ''[Momo screeches loudly at Bumi]'' Goodbye, Aang. I'll see you when the time is right.

===The Swamp===
:'''Katara''': Sokka, you've got an elbow leech!
:'''Sokka''': Where?! Where?!
:'''Katara''': Where do you think?
:''[He rips the leech off his elbow.]''
:'''Sokka''': WHY DO THINGS KEEP ATTACHING TO ME?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Huu''': ''[about the great banyan tree]'' See, this whole swamp is actually just one tree spread out over miles. Branches spread and sink, take root, and spread some more... One big living organism, just like the entire world.
:'''Aang''': I get how the tree is one big thing, but the whole world?
:'''Huu''': Sure. You think you're any different from me, or your friends, or this tree? If you listen hard enough, you can hear every living thing breathing together. You can feel everything growing. We are all living together, even if most folks don't act like it. We all have the same roots, and we are all branches of the same tree.
:'''Katara''': But what did our visions mean?
:'''Huu''': In the swamp, we see visions of people we've lost, people we loved, folks we think are gone. But the swamp tells us they're not. We're still connected to 'em. [[Time]] is an [[illusion]], and so is [[death]].
:'''Aang''': But what about my vision? It was someone I had never met.
:'''Huu''': You're the Avatar. You tell me.
:'''Aang''': ''[contemplates]'' Time is an illusion... So, it's someone I ''will'' meet.

===Avatar Day===
:'''Zuko''': There is no honor for me without the Avatar.
:'''Iroh''': Zuko, even if you did capture the Avatar, I'm not so sure it would solve our problems. Not now.
:'''Zuko''': Then there is no hope at all.
:'''Iroh''': No, Zuko! You must never give into despair. Allow yourself to slip down that road, and you surrender to your lowest instincts. In the darkest times, hope is something you give ''yourself''. That is the meaning of inner strength.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aang''': I said I would face justice, so I will. ''(spins Wheel of Punishment)''
:'''Spectator 1''': ''(rooting)'' Come on, torture machine!
:'''Old Man''': Eaten by bears!
:'''Spectator 2''': Razor pit!
:'''Katara''': ''(worried)'' Community service! Please land on community service.

===The Blind Bandit===
:'''The Boulder''': The Boulder feels conflicted about fighting a young blind girl.
:'''[[w:Toph|Toph]]''': Sounds to me like you're ''scared'', Boulder!
:'''The Boulder''': ...The Boulder's over his conflicted feelings, and now he's ready to bury you in a rockalanche!
:'''Toph''': Whenever you're ready, the Pebble! ''(laughs evil-like)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Toph''': (Aang has just entered the ring) Do people really want to see ''two'' little girls fighting out here?
:'''Aang''': ''(to Toph)'' I don't really want to fight you. I want to talk to you.
:'''Sokka''': BOO! NO TALKING!
:'''Katara''': Don't boo at him! ''[hits Sokka on the arm]''

===Zuko Alone===
:'''Soldier 1''': Hey! Did you throw that egg?
:'''Zuko''': No.
:'''Soldier 1''': Did you see who did it?
:'''Zuko''': No.
:'''Soldier 1''': That egg had to've come from somewhere.
:'''Zuko''': Maybe a chicken flew over.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Young Zuko''': Stupid turtle duck? Why you do that?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ozai''': Father, you must have realized as I have that with Lu Ten gone, Iroh's bloodline has ended. After his son's death, my brother abandoned the siege at Ba Sing Se, and who knows when he'll return home. But I am here, Father, and my children are alive.
:'''Azulon''': Say what it is you want!
:'''Ozai''': Father, revoke Iroh's birthright. I am your humble servant, here to serve you and our nation. Use me.
:'''Azulon''': You dare suggest I betray Iroh, my first born, directly after the demise of his only beloved son?! I think that Iroh has suffered enough. But you, your punishment has scarcely begun!

===The Chase===
''[Azula has tracked Aang down to a deserted town]''
:'''Azula''': Do you ''really'' want to fight me?
''[Zuko suddenly arrives, jumping off his ostrich-horse]''
:'''Zuko''': Yes, I really do.
:'''Azula''': I was wondering when you'd show up, Zuzu.
:'''Aang''': ''[stifles a laugh]'' &quot;Zuzu?&quot;
:'''Zuko''': ''[assumes a fighting stance]'' Back off, Azula. He's mine!
:'''Azula''': ''[Confidently]''... I'm not going ''anywhere.''
''[She assumes a fighting stance as well]''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Toph and Iroh begin to share a conversation over tea on a rocky hilltop]''
:'''Toph''': People see me and think I'm weak. They want to take care of me, but I can take care of myself, by myself.
:'''Iroh''': You sound like my nephew, always thinking you need to do things on your own, without anyone's support. There is nothing wrong with letting the people who love you help you. Not that I love you, I just met you.
:'''Toph''': ''[laughs]'' So where is your nephew?
:'''Iroh''': I've been tracking him, actually.
:'''Toph''': Is he lost?
:'''Iroh''': ''[looks away; slightly sad]'' Yes, a little bit. ''[cuts to shot of the rocky ledge where the two sit, the mountain region in the background]'' His life has recently changed and he's going through very difficult times. He's trying to figure out who he is and he went away.
:'''Toph''': So now you're following him.
:'''Iroh''': I know he doesn't want me around him right now, but if he needs me, I'll be there.
:'''Toph''': Your nephew is very lucky, even if he doesn't know it. ''[gets up to leave]'' Thank you.
:'''Iroh''': My pleasure. Sharing tea with a fascinating stranger is one of life's true delights.
:'''Toph''': ''[happily]'' No, thank you for what you said. It helped me.
:'''Iroh''': I'm glad. ''[Toph rises to leave, but turns around briefly]''
:'''Toph''': Oh, and about your nephew... Maybe you should tell him that you need him, too.

===Bitter Work===
:''[Sokka is buried in the earth and a hippo comes running with an apple in its mouth]''
:'''Sokka''': Hey! Looks like my karma is already paying off.
:''[Hippo rolls the apple but not within range of Sokka's hands or mouth]''
:'''Sokka''' [Elated]: That's okay. I got it.
:''[Sokka struggles to move hands but boomerang instead falls out off his bag]''
:'''Sokka''' [after 10 second pause and annoyed]: Now come back, boomerang.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Iroh''': ''[drawing the Fire Nation symbol in the sand before Zuko]'' Fire is the element of power. The people of the Fire Nation have desire and will, and the energy and drive to achieve what they want. ''[draws the Earth Kingdom symbol]'' Earth is the element of substance. The people of the Earth Kingdom are diverse and strong. They are persistent and enduring. ''[draws the Air Nomads symbol]'' Air is the element of freedom. The Air Nomads detached themselves from worldly concerns and found peace and freedom. Also, they apparently had pretty good senses of ''humor''! ''[grins]'' 
:''[Zuko stares blankly at Iroh]''
:'''Iroh''': ''[continuing, drawing the Water Tribe symbol]'' Water is the element of change. The people of the Water Tribe are capable of adapting to many things. They have a deep sense of community and love that holds them together though anything. 
:'''Zuko''': Why are you telling me these things?
:'''Iroh''': It is important to draw wisdom from many different places. If we take it from only one place, it becomes rigid and stale. Understanding others, the other elements, and the other nations, will help you become whole.
:'''Zuko''': All this &quot;Four Elements&quot; talk is sounding like Avatar stuff.
:'''Iroh''': It is the combination of the four elements within one person that makes the Avatar so powerful.  But, it can make you more powerful, too. (''prods him in the chest with his staff'')  You see, the technique I am about to teach you is one I learned by studying the Waterbenders.

===The Library===
:'''Wan Shi Tong''': ''(leers to a nervous Sokka)'' So, who are ''you'' trying to destroy?
:'''Sokka''': What? No! No destroying, we're not into that.
:'''Wan Shi Tong''': Then why are you here?
:'''Sokka''': ''(hesitates)'' Umm... Knowledge for knowledge's sake?
:''(pause)''
:'''Wan Shi Tong''': If you're going to lie to an all-knowing spirit being, you should at least put some effort into it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Wan Shi Tong confronts Team Avatar and Professor Zei in the planetarium for obtaining knowledge on the next solar eclipse]''
:'''Wan Shi Tong''': You betrayed my trust. From the beginning, you intended to misuse this knowledge for evil purposes.
:'''Sokka''': You don't understand. If anyone's evil, it's the Fire Nation! You saw what they did to your library. They're destructive and dangerous. We need this information!
:'''Wan Shi Tong''': You think you're the first person to believe their war was justified? Countless others before you have come here, seeking weapons, weaknesses or battle strategies!
:'''Aang''': We had no choice. Please, we're just desperate to protect the people we love!
:'''Wan Shi Tong''': And now ''I'm'' going to protect what ''I'' love. 
:''(Wan Shi Tong spreads his wings; the library starts to shake and flood with sand)''
:'''Aang''': What are you doing?!
:'''Wan Shi Tong''': I'm taking my knowledge back. No one will ever abuse it again!
:'''Katara''': He's sinking the building! We've gotta get out of here!
:'''Wan Shi Tong''': I'm afraid I can't allow that. You already know too much. (''shrieks and chases them'')

===The Desert===
:''(Both Sokka and Momo are hallucinating after drinking cactus juice)''
:'''Sokka''': Drink cactus juice, it'll quench ya. Nothing's quenchier. It's the quenchiest!
:'''Katara''': ''[throws away the piece of cactus]'' Okay, I think you had enough.
:'''Sokka''': Who lit Toph on fire?
''[Momo spins in a circle in the air and dive bombs to the ground.]''
:'''Toph''': Can I get some of that cactus?
:'''Katara''': I don’t think that’s a good idea. Come on, we need to find Aang.
''[She and Toph walk on; when Sokka doesn't follow, Katara grabs him and drags him along with them]''
:'''Sokka''': How did we get out here in the middle of the ocean?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Aang confronts a group of sandbenders, including the ones who stole Appa]''
:'''Aang''': You tell me where he is, ''now''! 
:''[He obliterates one of the sand-sailers with airbending]''
:'''Sha-Mo''': ''[sternly, to his son]'' What did you ''do''?!
:'''Gashiun''': I-It wasn't me!
:'''Toph''': You said to put a muzzle on him!
:'''Aang''': ''[enraged]'' You ''muzzled'' Appa?!
:''[Aang enters the Avatar State; he smashes another of the sand-sailers]''
:'''Gashiun''': I'm sorry! I didn't know it belonged to the Avatar!
:'''Aang''': ''[shouts with the voices of past Avatars]'' '''''TELL ME WHERE APPA IS!!'''''
:'''Gashiun''': I-I traded him, to some merchants! He's... probably in Ba Sing Se by now. They were gonna sell him there. ''[Aang's glowing eyes narrow]'' Please, we'll escort you out of the desert! We'll help however we can!
:''[A cyclone erupts around Aang, obscuring everything.  Sokka grabs Toph's arm]''
:'''Sokka''': ''[to the sandbenders]'' Just get out of here! ''RUN!''
:''[Everyone flees from Aang, except Katara. As he rises off the ground, she approaches him and grabs his arm; he stares down at her, his face contorted with rage and grief.  Katara pulls him back down to the ground.  As the winds begin to die down, Sokka sees tears running from Aang's eyes as Katara hugs him]''

===Journey to Ba Sing Se Part 1: The Serpent's Pass===
:''[Suki asks Sokka why he is being overprotective of her]''
:'''Sokka''': It's so hard to lose someone you care about. Something happened at the North Pole and I couldn't protect someone. I don't want anything like that to ever happen again.
:'''Suki''': I lost someone I cared about. He didn't die. He just went away. I only had a few days to get to know him, but he was smart and brave and funny...
:'''Sokka''': ''(suspiciously)'' Who is this guy? Is he taller than me?
:'''Suki''': ''(deadpan)'' No. He's about your height.
:'''Sokka''': Is he better-looking?
:'''Suki''': It ''is'' you, stupid!
:'''Sokka''': Oh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sokka''': Suki, you know about giant sea monsters, do something!
:'''Suki''': Just because I live near the Unagi doesn't mean I'm an expert.
:'''Sokka''': ''[picks up Momo and offers it to the Sea Serpent]'' Oh great and powerful sea serpent, please accept this humble and tasty offering. Thank You.
:'''Katara''': Sokka!
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

===Journey to Ba Sing Se Part 2: The Drill===
:'''Mai''': She [Azula] can shoot all the lightning she wants at me, I'm not going into that wall sludge juice. ''(Shudders, then closes hatch Katara, Sokka, and Ty Lee jumped into)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Toph takes the group under ground]''
:'''Sokka''': It's so dark down here. I can't see a thing.
:'''Toph''': (''Sarcastically'') Oh no, what a nightmare!
:'''Sokka''': Sorry.

===City of Walls and Secrets===
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Toph''': Well, no offense to you simple country folk, but a real society crowd would spot you from a mile away. You've got no manners. 
:'''Katara''':  Excuse me? I've got no manners? You're not exactly lady fancy fingers.
:'''Toph''': ''[burps]'' I learned proper society behavior and chose to leave it. You never learned anything. And frankly, it's a little too late. 
:'''Sokka''': Ah-Ha, but you learned it. You could teach us.
:'''Aang''': Yeah, I'm mastering every element. How hard could manners be? ''[grabs a nearby curtain and drapes it around himself like a robe, and begins talking in a very sophisticated manner]'' Good evening, Mr. Sokka Watertribe. Ms. Katara Watertribe. Lord Momo of the Momo Dynasty, your Momo-ness.
:'''Sokka''': ''[in a fancy accent]'' Avatar Aang how you ''do'' go on!
:''[Both of them take turns bowing then try to bow at the same time, but they knock each other's foreheads' together and fall backward]''
:'''Toph''': Katara might be able to pull it off, but you two would be lucky to pass as busboys.
:'''Sokka''': But I feel so fancy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sokka''': Why won't you let us talk to the King?!  We have information that could ''defeat'' the Fire Nation!
:'''Long Feng''':  The Earth King has no time to get involved in political squabbles and the day-to-day minutia of military activities.
:'''Aang''': This could be the most important thing he's ever heard!
:'''Long Feng''':  What's ''most'' important to His Royal majesty is maintaining the ''cultural'' heritage of Ba Sing Se.  All his duties relate to issuing decrees on such matters.  It's ''my'' job to oversee the rest of the city's resources... including the military.
:'''Katara''':  So the King is just a figurehead.
:'''Toph''': He's your puppet!
:'''Long Feng''': Oh, no, no!  His majesty is an icon, a ''god'' to his people.  He can't sully his hands with the hourly changes of an endless war.
:'''Sokka''':  But we found out about a solar eclipse that will leave the Fire Nation defenseless!  You could lead an invasion-
:'''Long Feng''': ''[stands up] Enough.'' I don't want to hear your ridiculous plan.  It is the strict policy of Ba Sing Se, that the war ''not'' be mentioned inside these walls. [As he speaks, the Dai Li are shown taking Jet to a secret facility]'' Constant news of an escalating war will throw the citizens of Ba Sing Se into a state of panic.
:'''Jet''': ''[as the Dai Li strapped him into a chair]'' You have to believe me!?  They're Firebenders!?  They won't stop until they win the war!?
:'''Dai Li Agent''': ''[to Jet]'' Calm down.  You're safe now. ''[a light begins rotating in front of Jet at eye level]''
:'''Long Feng''': Our economy would be ruined.  Our peaceful way of life, our traditions, would disappear.
:'''Dai Li Agent''': ''[to Jet]'' There's no war in Ba Sing Se.
:'''Jet''': What are you talking about?!  Where do you think all the refugees come from?  You can't hide it?! ''[The Dai Li gag him as the light continues to rotate]''
:'''Long Feng''': In silencing talk of conflict, Ba Sing Se remains a peaceful, orderly utopia... the last one on Earth.
:'''Dai Li Agent''': ''[to Jet, muffled]'' There is no war within the walls.  Here, we are safe.  Here, we are free.
:'''Katara''': You can't keep the truth from all these people.  They have to know!
:'''Aang''':  I'll tell them!  I'll make sure everyone knows
:'''Long Feng''':  Until now, you've been treated as our honored guest.  But from now on, you will be watched by Dai Li agents.  If you mention the war to ''anyone'', you will be expelled from the city.  I understand you've been looking for your bison?  It would be quite a ''shame'' if you were unable to complete your quest. ''[Aang glares at him]''  Now, Joo Dee will show you home.
''[A different young woman enters, with an equally blank smile on her face, startling Team Avatar]''
:'''Young Woman''':  Come with me, please.
:'''Katara''': What happened to Joo Dee?
:'''Young Woman''': ''I'm'' Joo Dee.  I'll be your host as long as you're in our wonderful city.

===The Tales of Ba Sing Se===
:''(Katara opens a door and sees Toph lying facedown on the floor, asleep)''
:'''Katara''': Toph, aren't you gonna get ready for the day?
:''(Toph wakes up, hair frazzled, and spits)''
:'''Toph''': I'm ready.
:'''Katara''': Aren't you gonna clean up? You've got a little dirt on your....everywhere actually.
:'''Toph''': You call it dirt. I call it a healthy coating of earth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(A mugger approaches Iroh in an alley)''
:'''Mugger''': You! Hand over your money!
:''(Iroh looks down and notices the mugger's unstable stance)''
:'''Iroh''': What are you doing?
:'''Mugger''': I'm mugging you!
:'''Iroh''': With that stance??
:'''Mugger''': Wha… What are you talking about? Just give me your money, old man!
:'''Iroh''': With a poor stance you are unbalanced and can be easily knocked over.
:''(Iroh knocks mugger down and then helps him up)''
:'''Iroh''': With a solid stance you are a much more serious threat! 

===Appa's Lost Days===
:''[Azula is talking to the Kyoshi warriors, who fight with fans]''
:'''Azula''': Who are you?  The Avatar's ''fangirls''?
:''[a short pause]''
:'''Ty Lee''': ...Oh!  I get it!  Good one Azula.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Mai pins a Kyoshi warrior to a tree with her shurikens]''
:'''Mai''': You're so colorful, it's making me ''nauseous''. (''launches darts at another warrior'')
:''[Ty Lee unleashes a flurry of jabs into the back of a Kyoshi warrior, dropping her, and unleashes a final taunt]''
:'''Ty Lee''': You are ''not'' prettier than we are.

===Lake Laogai===
:'''Sokka''': Hey, I thought designing the &quot;Lost Appa&quot; poster was my job! I've been working all day on my Appa!
:(''shows Katara and Aang his picture.  Katara is visibly trying not to laugh.''')
:'''Aang''': Sokka, the arrow is on Appa's ''head''.
:'''Sokka''': This ''is'' his head!
:'''Katara''': Why are ''feet'' coming out of it?
:'''Sokka''': Those are his horns! I haven't seen him in a while, okay?
:'''Toph''': It looks just like him to me.
:'''Sokka''': Thank you, I worked really--[''breaks off, remembering that Toph is blind'']...Why do you feel the need to do that?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zuko''': (looking at the tied-up Appa) Uncle?
:'''Iroh''': (walks into the cell) So, the Blue Spirit? I wonder who could be behind that mask?
:'''Zuko''': What are you doing here?
:'''Iroh''': I was just about to ask you the same thing. What do you plan to do now that you've found the Avatar's bison? Keep it locked in our new apartment? Should I go put on a pot of ''tea'' for him?!
:'''Zuko''': First I have to get it out of here.
:'''Iroh''': And then ''what''?! You never think these things through! This is exactly what happened when you captured the Avatar at the North Pole! You had him, and then you had nowhere to go!
:'''Zuko''': I would've figured something out.
:'''Iroh''': No! If his friends hadn't found you, you would have frozen to death!
:'''Zuko''': ''(very angry)'' I know my own destiny, Uncle.
:'''Iroh''': Is it your own destiny, or is it a destiny someone else has tried to force on you?
:'''Zuko''': Stop it, Uncle! I have to do this!
:'''Iroh''': I'm ''begging'' you, Prince Zuko! It's time for you to look inward and begin asking yourself the big questions: Who are you, and What do ''you'' want?
:'''Zuko''': ''(Yells in frustration and throws his Blue Spirit mask and swords down.)''

===The Earth King===
:'''Sokka''': Looks like Long Feng is long gone! (''laughs'') Oh, I've been waiting to use that one!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Toph''': I've seen enough of Ba Sing Se. And I can't even see!

===The Guru===
&lt;hr width80&gt;
:'''Guru Pathik''': The greatest illusion of this world is the illusion of separation. Things you think are separate and different are actually one and the same.
:'''Aang''': Like the four nations.
:'''Guru Pathik''': Yes. We are all one people, but we live as if divided.
:'''Aang''': We're all connected. Everything is connected.

&lt;hr width80&gt;
:'''Aang''': This is the last chakra, isn't it?
:'''Guru Pathik''': Yes. Once you open this chakra, you will be able to go in and out of the Avatar State at will. And when you are in the Avatar State, you will have complete control and awareness of all your actions.
:'''Aang''': Let's do this!
:'''Guru Pathik''': The thought chakra is located at the crown of the head. It deals with pure cosmic energy, and is blocked by earthly attachment. Meditate on what attaches you to this world.
:''(Aang imagines various images and memories of Katara)''
:'''Guru Pathik''': Now, let all of those attachments go. Let them flow down the river, forgotten.
:'''Aang''': ''(snapping out of his meditation)'' What? Why would I let go of Katara? I...I-I love her!
:'''Guru Pathik''': Learn to let her go, or you cannot let the pure cosmic energy flow in from the universe.
:'''Aang''': Why would I choose ''cosmic energy'' over Katara? How could it be a bad thing that I feel an attachment to her? Three chakras ago, that was a good thing!
:'''Guru Pathik''': You ''must'' learn to let go.

&lt;hr width80&gt;
:'''Azula''': Oh, don't worry, let should to be now. ''[Ty Lee attacks Katara and grunts]'' So, Zuzu in the city too, I think it's times to the family reunion.
:'''Aang''': I'm sorry, but I can't let go of Katara.
:'''Guru Pathik''': Aang, to master the Avatar State, you must open ''all'' the chakras. Surrender yourself.
:'''Aang''': Okay, I'll try.
:'''Guru Pathik''': Now think of your attachments. And let them go. Let the pure cosmic energy flow.
:''(He meditates again, beginning to let Katara go. We then see him suspended above the planet, facing a giant, glowing version of himself in the Avatar State. He begins to walk towards it and his tattoos start to glow. Suddenly, however, he hears Katara scream and sees a vision of her in chains and begins to run towards her.)
:'''Karata''': '''LET ME GO!!'''
:''(His tattoos fade along with the solid light beneath his feet, and so he falls back to the earth)''
:'''Aang''': (shocked) Katara's in danger! I have to go! ''(Aang gets up and begins to runs off)''
:'''Guru Pathik''': No Aang! By choosing attachment you have this locked the chakra! If you leave now, you won't be able to enter the Avatar State ''at all''!?
:'''Long Feng''': ''[disembodied] Enough, I don't want to your ridicolous plan.'' 
:''(After a moment's hesitation, Aang runs off)''

&lt;hr width80&gt;
:'''Yu''': It's another one her tricks!?
:'''Xin Fu''': There's in a giant hole in a box. How is that trick?!
:'''Toph''': It's not! It's a real deal!

&lt;hr width80&gt;
:'''Long Feng''': But you're not a Kyoshi Warrior, aren't you. Princess Azula of the Fire Nation.

===The Crossroads of Destiny===
:'''Aang''': Uh...
:'''Guru''': If you leave now, you won't be able enter the Avatar state at all!?
:'''Sokka''': Aang, are you okay?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Long Feng''': Now comes the part where I double cross you. Dai Li, arrest the Fire Nation princess! ''(The Dai Li don't move)'' I said arrest her! ''(The Dai Li don't move again; failed)'' What is wrong with you?!
:'''Azula''': It's because they haven't made up their minds. They're waiting to see how this is going to end.
:'''Long Feng''': What are you talking about?
:'''Azula''': I can see your whole history in your eyes. You were born with nothing, so you've had to struggle, and connive, and claw your way to power. But true power, the divine right to rule, is something you're born with. The fact is, they don't know which one of us is going to be sitting on that throne, and which one is going to be bowing down. But I know, and you know. ''(She sits on the throne)'' Well?
''[She and Long Feng lock eyes; after a long moment, Long Feng kneels before her]''
:'''Long Feng''': ... You've beaten me at my own game.
:'''Azula''': Don't flatter yourself. You were never even a player.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zuko''': Uncle, I don't understand. What are you doing with the Avatar?
:'''Aang''': ''[glares at him]'' Saving you, that's what.
:''[Zuko starts to advance on him, but Iroh holds him back]''
:'''Iroh''': It's time we talked. ''[to Aang]'' Go help your other friends. We'll catch up with you.
:''[Aang and Katara leave]''
:'''Zuko''': ''[not looking Iroh directly in the eye]'' Why, Uncle?
:'''Iroh''': ''[seriously]'' You're not the man you used to be, Zuko. You are stronger, and wiser, and freer than you have ''ever'' been. And now you've come to the crossroads of your destiny. It's time for you to choose. It's time for you to choose ''good''.
:''[Iroh is suddenly immobilized by crystals, startling Zuko]''
:'''Azula''': ''[enters followed by two Dai Li Agents]'' I expected this kind of treachery from Uncle. But Zuko, ''Prince'' Zuko. You're a lot of things, but you aren't a traitor, are you?
:'''Zuko''':  Release him immediately!
:'''Azula''':''[slyly]'' It's not too late for you, Zuko. You could still redeem yourself.
:'''Iroh''': The kind of &quot;redemption&quot; she offers is not for you!
:'''Azula''': ''[glares at him]'' Why don't you let ''him'' decide, Uncle?  I need you, Zuko. I've plotted every move of this day, this glorious day in Fire Nation history, and the only way we win is ''together''. At the end of this day, you will have your honor back. You will have Father's love. You will have ''everything'' you want.
:'''Iroh''': Zuko, I am begging you.  Look into your heart and see what it is you truly want.
:'''Azula''': You are free to choose. 
''[she gestures for the Dai Li to leave, then pursues Aang and Katara, as Zuko considers his choice.]''

==External links==
[[Category:Avatar: The Last Airbender seasons]]</text>
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    <title>Steven Universe (season 2)</title>
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]]
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{{italic title}}
The following is a list of quotes from the second season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''.

=== ''Full Disclosure'' ===
:'''Greg''': I saw the spaceship starting to leave and then it crashed and I came back and— ''[sees Steven's black eye]'' Ugh, your eye... But you're okay! I guess those jerks were no match for the Crystal Gems!
:'''Steven''': No way! They were super strong!
:'''Greg''': But you were able to beat them back?
:'''Steven''': No, they totally stomped us! This warrior Jasper was super beefy and knocked me unconscious. Then they abducted me onto the ship because they wanted to take me away forever, and then we crashed the ship and I almost died! ''[Greg freaks out]''
:'''Greg''': W-What do they want with you?!
:'''Steven''': They think I'm Mom.
:'''Greg''': Ar-are more Homeworld Gems gonna come after you?!
:'''Steven''': I— uhh... I don't know. Maybe?
:'''Greg''': Steven, I'm supportive and very proud of you... and I'll be right back. ''[runs into his van]'' Gotta calm down. Where's my— ''[brings a series of CDs up front]'' Where's my relaxing music CD?! This one? ''[inserts CD; starts blaring loud metal music]'' Wrong one!! Stop!! Eject!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Ronaldo''': Oh! I see... You come up here to brood too!
:'''Steven''': Brood?
:'''Ronaldo''': Yes, Steven. That's just what people like us do. Suffer quietly, shouldering the knowledge no one else can bear.
:'''Steven''': Hm.
:'''Ronaldo''': As an aficionado of the weird yourself, you've probably noticed ordinary people fear the cold leaded anchor of the truth. The abyss is no Sunday swan ride.
:'''Steven''': I know! My dad flipped out when I told him!
:'''Ronaldo''': Sounds typical. But it's a good reminder. This is no easy path we've chosen here. There are... sacrifices. Look at them all down there, Steven. It's our duty to let those simple people live out their simple lives, without ever knowing the burden of being friends with us.
:'''Steven''': At least we can be there for each other.
:'''Ronaldo''': Is that giant hand from the sky sitting right in the middle of the beach?! I gotta get some of this for my blog!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': Aw, come on!
:'''Garnet''': No whining. We need to start cleaning up the debris.
:'''Pearl''': Garnet's right. People are already coming back into town!
:'''Steven''': We've got to keep them off the beach. If any humans got access to Gem technology, ''[shuts blinds]'' they could really hurt themselves. Maybe we should shut them out... for good.
:'''Pearl''': You know... we did once have a fence. Let's get a new one—with barbed wire! 
:'''Amethyst''': This time, let's build a moat. I could be... ''[shapeshifts her head]'' the crocodi-i-ile!! Jazz hands!
:'''Garnet''': No.
:'''Amethyst''': Why not?
:'''Pearl''': You always say you'll be the crocodile, but you never commit!
:'''Garnet''': No fence either.
:'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Garnet!
:'''Garnet''': Steven needs to see his father and his friends.
:'''Steven''': No, I don't! I can't keep clinging to the vestiges of my humanity. It's time I got serious. ''[his phone starts ring-toning again]'' Errh!
:'''Pearl''': Steven, why is your communication device playing that song?
:'''Steven''': It's Connie, trying to call me... but I can't face her anymore.
:'''Pearl''': So... you're just going to ignore her forever?
:'''Steven''': It's the responsible thing to do.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[sees thru blinds]'' It's gonna be hard, 'cause she's coming up the steps right now.
:'''Steven''': What?!

=== ''Open Book'' ===

=== ''Joy Ride'' ===
:'''Steven''': Family stuff is tricky. 
:'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': Mmhm.
:'''Steven''': A few months back, my dad and the Gems grounded me from TV.
:'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': That's the worst. / Bummer. / No way!
:'''Steven''': And then I found out that the Gems are alien rebels and that there are other Gems out in space that want us dead 'cause they think we're traitors. And they tried to take me hostage 'cause they think I'm my mom. And... maybe I kinda am? ''[sighs]'' I wish I could talk to Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl about it, but... I think they kinda blame me for my mom not being around.
:''[Buck, Sour Cream and Jenny are in a state of shock for a beat. Jenny turns off the radio]''
:'''Jenny''': That's heavy.
:'''Steven''': I guess.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Steven... you're ungrounded from TV.

=== ''[[w:Say Uncle (Steven Universe)|Say Uncle]]'' ===
:'''Steven''': What am I doing wrong? The Gems can all summon ''their'' weapons, why can't I? ''[desperately]'' Isn't there somebody who can help me?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Steven''': Oh my gosh! Uncle Grandpa! You're really here, I can't believe it! I mean… I literally can't believe it. How is this even possible?!
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Don't worry, bro. None of this is canon. ''[pulls a real cannon out of Belly Bag]'' But this is! ''[launches his head like a cannonball with smoke trails spelling &quot;APRIL FOOLS&quot; and crashes into a ship with Lars and Sadie on it]''
:'''Lars''': Oh, no!! Our ship!!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': Steven!
:'''Pearl''': What's going on?! Who is this… stranger?
:'''Steven''': He's not a stranger, he's Uncle Grandpa!
:''[Uncle Grandpa honks his nose]''
:'''Amethyst''': &quot;Uncle… Grandpa&quot;?
:'''Pearl''': So that would make him Greg's brother… ''and'' father?
:'''Garnet''': That would explain a lot.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Pizza Steve''': Oh hey, it's just me, Pizza Steve—just the coolest and tastiest Steve who ever lived.
:'''Steven''': Hi, Pizza Steve! I'm a Steve too! Steven Universe.
:'''Pizza Steve''': ''Stee''-ven Universe... ''[pops out on top of Steven's hair]'' Come on, Uncle G. I've got two rules—no more than 40 or 50 vans, and only '''ONE''' Steve allowed!
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yeah, but this Steven is special.
:'''Mr. Gus''': Yeah. He's a Crystal Gem.
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Good mornin', Mr. Gus.
:'''Mr. Gus''': What's up, Uncle Grandpa?
:'''Steven''': Whoa, Mr. Gus! How do you know about me?
:'''Mr. Gus''': I have a comprehensive knowledge of all magical denizens of the multiverse. I know ''ALL'' about the Crystal Gems. Come on, man, check this out. I even made my own Gemsona. ''[shows art of &quot;Mr. Gusite&quot;]'' My gem is on my tail, and my weapon is a fryin' pan.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[The Gems run frantically across the plot hole many times, stop for a breather]''
:'''Garnet''': There's got to be some way out of here.
:'''Pearl''': ''[extremely panicked]'' WE'LL NEVER ESCAPE!! ''THIS'' IS OUR NEW ''HOME!!''
:'''Garnet''': Pearl, you're overreacting.
:'''Pearl''': &lt;big&gt;'''I'M NOT OVERREACTING!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Pearl runs around screaming until she crashes into Amethyst]''
:'''Amethyst''': Hey, where's Steven? ''[Pizza Steve walks in dressed like Steven]'' 
:'''Pizza Steve''': Lookin' for me, Pizza Steven Universe?  ''[Pearl gasps, cowers behind Garnet]''
:'''Pearl''': That's not my baby!
:'''Amethyst''': Ah, nice! ''[eyes on Pizza Steve]''
:'''Pizza Steve''': Whoa, hold on!
:'''Amethyst''': ''Pizzaaaaaa!!'' ''[chases Pizza Steve offscreen]''
:'''Pizza Steve''': Don't eat Pizza Steve! ''[munching noises]''
:''[Amethyst walks back on, putting on Pizza Steve's sunglasses from out of her mouth]''
:'''Garnet''': Okay, I'm ready for this episode to end.
:''[She stomps, causing the plot hole to crack and shatter, leaving them back at the beach]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[after finally summoning his shield; to Uncle Grandpa]'' I did it, Uncle Grandpa! I really did it!
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yay.
:'''Pearl''': Protecting HIM activated Steven's powers?!
:'''Garnet''': He must really care about this stranger.
:'''Amethyst''': I hope he didn't care about that pizza.
:'''Steven''': Listen! It was a big, weird surprise when Uncle Grandpa showed up here today. We've never met anyone like Uncle Grandpa, but you can't just attack people you don't understand. You have to stick up for them, and listen to what they have to say. You guys always do that for me.
:'''Pearl''': ''[blushing with tears in her eyes, feeling guilty and sorry]'' Steven, you're right. ''[cries]'' HOW CAN I BE SO BLIND?! I'M SORRY!
:'''Amethyst''': I also apologize for Pearl.
:'''Garnet''': Thank you, you taught us a valuable lesson, Uncle Grandpa.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Boy, that sure makes my eyes hurt. Now let's see here... ''[grabs a checklist revealing several other Cartoon Network protagonists]'' Dexter, Dee-dee, Blossom, Bubbles, Buttercup, Ed, Edd, Eddy, Billy, Mandy, Mac, Juniper Lee, Swat Kats, Flapjack, Finn, Oh! Steven! ''[checks off Steven's name]'' Now who's next? ''[Clarence's name is shown at the bottom of the list]''

=== ''Story for Steven'' ===
=== ''Shirt Club '' ===
:''[Steven rushes to the Beach House]''
:'''Steven''': Garnet! Amethyst! Pearl!
:'''Garnet''': Steven!
:'''Pearl''': What is it?!
:'''Amethyst''': Whoa, where's the fire?
:'''Steven''': It's an emergency! You have to help me take down all the shirts and stop Buck from making more! 
:'''Pearl''': Have the shirts come to life and and possessed the bodies of their wearers?!
:'''Steven''': Uh, no! They just—
:'''Amethyst''': Are people catching on fire when they put on the magic shirts?
:'''Steven''': No! No, they're just—
:'''Pearl''': Are the shirts destroying the wearer's will to continue on in this mortal coil, thereby shutting down Beach City!?!
:'''Steven''': ''NOOOOO''!!! They're— they're just... using my art in a way I don't agree with.
:'''Pearl''': Oh. ''[all Gems sit down]''
:'''Garnet''': Ah, we'll pass.
:'''Steven''': What?! But— but I really need your help!
:'''Pearl''': Steven, this sounds like a very abstract problem.
:'''Amethyst''': It's not something we can ''punch''!
:'''Garnet''': You must learn to help yourself. That's how you become stronger. ''[shades sparkle]''
:'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Good point, good point. / Oh, absolutely.
:'''Steven''': But..!
:'''Amethyst''': You figure something ''out'', Steven!
:'''Pearl''': Yes! Why not dust off those conflict resolution skills?
:'''Garnet''': Let your problem be known, then you can work towards an understanding.
:'''Steven''': Oh... I'll make them understand. I'll make them all understand... ''[leaves]''
:'''Amethyst''': Eh, he'll be fine.

=== ''Love Letters'' ===
:''[Steven and Connie meet Jamie sitting on a log in the beach]''
:'''Steven''': Jamie!
:'''Jamie''': Oh, hey, Connie and Steven. You guys come out here to stare at the ocean and think about life too?
:'''Connie''': Uhh, no...? We came to, uh—
:'''Jamie''': Yeah, life is crazy. One day, you're right here in Beach City delivering mail and then the next thing you know... you're on a bus to Kansas, following your dreams of becoming an actor. &quot;Follow your dreams,&quot; they said. But no one said anything about all the rejection and sadness there was to be found. So many auditions day after day... So much rejection day after day... That's why I came back. ''[two seagulls crash into each other and fall into the sea]'' One more rejection would have destroyed my fragile heart. ''[sobs, chuckles]'' Sorry... sometimes I get caught up in the drama zone, you know?
:'''Steven''': Yeah, right... Drama zone.
:'''Connie''': Oh, by the way, we have something for yo—
:'''Steven''': No, we don't!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Garnet''': I didn't mean to upset you.
:'''Jamie''': Then will you go out with me?
:'''Garnet''': No!
:'''Jamie''': But I've loved you since the moment I saw you.
:'''Garnet''': Love at first sight doesn't exist. Love takes time and love takes work. At the very least, you have to know the other person. And you literally have no idea who or what I am. ''[shades glimmer]''
:'''Jamie''': But I bloom for you like— like a... camellia... under moonlight?
:'''Garnet''': No, you don't! ''[long beat]'' You make a very convincing lovesick fool. You convinced these children. ''[adjusts her shades]'' You even convinced yourself. ''[smiling]'' You're a fantastic actor.
:'''Jamie''': ''[beat]'' ..What am I supposed to do now?
:'''Garnet''': Start with local theater. ''[slaps Jamie's back, then walks away. Connie and Steven walk closer to him]''
:'''Connie''': Are you okay?
:'''Jamie''': Yeah. That was some pretty solid advice.
:'''Steven''': Were those more letters you wrote to Garnet?
:'''Jamie''': No. That was the mail I was supposed to deliver on my last route.
:'''Steven''': ''[beat]'' We'll help you pick it all up.
:'''Jamie''': Thanks.

=== ''Reformed'' ===
:'''Garnet''': This is not a good choice for your form.
:'''Amethyst''': Lighten up, Garnet. Can't you take a joke?
:'''Garnet''': It's not funny. You've made yourself ridiculous.
:'''Amethyst''': &lt;big&gt;'''''RIDICULOUS?!?!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Keep your voice down! The creature...
:'''Amethyst''': Hrrr... You wanted me to be more like Pearl, and now I am!!
:'''Garnet''': ''[low voice]'' Pearl would've taken her regeneration seriously!
:'''Amethyst''': WHAT DO YOU CARE!?! MY FORM IS '''''MY'' BUSINESS!!'''
:'''Garnet''': It's my business when it affects the strength of the team!!
:'''Amethyst''': ..So what?! I'm not strong enough?! ''[gets dragged by the Slinker]''
:'''Steven''': Amethyst!
:'''Amethyst''': '''ARE YOU SAYING... &lt;big&gt;I'M ''WEAK''&lt;/big&gt;?!?!''' ''[poofs again; Steven catches her gemstone]''
:'''Steven''': Is it weird I'm getting numbed to this?

=== ''[[w:Sworn to the Sword|Sworn to the Sword]]'' ===
:'''Connie''': ''[fights off seagulls with her violin bow]'' Run back to your masters! Tell them we're not afraid of your kind!
:'''Steven''': ''[chuckles]'' Thanks for saving my jam snack. Unfortunately, it's not safe from me. ''[munches it]'' You're such a good sword fighter, Connie.
:'''Connie''': Really? I was just swinging this thing around. I don't really know what I'm doing, but I'd love to learn how to use a real sword!
:'''Steven''': Oh! ''[gulps snack; starry eyes]'' Steven has an idea!
:''[back at the Beach House]''
:'''Pearl''': You want me to do ''what''?!
:'''Steven''': You should teach Connie to sword fight, she's already so good!
:'''Connie''': Steven!
:'''Steven''': But you are! Y-You helped me fight the robot floaty-thing, she took down that evil clone of herself, uh... those mean seagulls just now?
:'''Pearl''': You're awfully young to begin something like this. But I suppose I was only a few thousand years old when I began fighting alongside Rose Quartz. ''[Connie raises her hand]'' Yes, Connie?
:'''Connie''': Please! I want to learn! I mean, I don't know what'll happen in the future. But if something dangerous comes along... I don't wanna be a burden, I wanna help! I want to be there for Steven to fight by his side! The Earth is my home too. Can't I help protect it? ''[Pearl starts watering tears of joy]''
:'''Pearl''': Oh... okay... If that's how you feel... we should get started!
:'''Steven''': Woo-hoo! ''[runs after her laughing]''
:'''Connie''': Wait, now?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Pearl''': All right, everything begins with your stance. Remember:
:''[singing] You do it for him, and you would do it again''
:''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.''

:''Keep your stance wide, keep your body lowered''
:''As you're moving forward, balance is the key''
:''Right foot, left foot, now go even faster''
:''And as you're moving backwards, keep your eyes on me.''

:'''Connie''': ''Keep my stance wide'' (&quot;Good.&quot;)
:''Keep my body lowered'' (&quot;Right.&quot;)
:''As I'm moving forward''
:'''Pearl''': ''Concentrate! Don't you want him to live?!''

:'''Connie''': ''Right foot, left foot''
:'''Pearl''': ''Yes, but put your whole body into it!''
:''Everything you have, everything you are''
:''You've got to give.''

:''On the battlefield, when everything is chaos''
:''And you have nothing but the way you feel, your strategy and a sword''
:''You just think about the life you'll have together after the war''
:''And then you do it for her, that's how you know you can win''
:''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.''
&lt;hr width=25%&gt;
:''Deep down, you know you weren't built for fighting''
:''But that doesn't mean you're not prepared to try''
:''What they don't know is your real advantage''
:''When you live for someone, you're prepared to die.''

:'''Connie''': ''Deep down, I know that I'm just a human'' (&quot;True.&quot;)
:'''Both''': ''But I/you know that I/you can draw my/your sword and fight''
:'''Connie''': ''With my short existence,'' (&quot;Good.&quot;) ''I can make a difference'' (&quot;Yes, excellent!&quot;)
:''I can be there for him, I can be his knight.''

:'''Connie''': ''I can do it for him''
:'''Both''': ''You'd do it for her''
:'''Pearl''': ''Okay, now do that again'' (&quot;Yes, ma'am.&quot;)
:''You do it for her, and now you say''
:'''Connie''': ''I'll do it for him.''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': ''[belly laughs]'' Wow, Garnet! That is the funniest thing I've ever heard!
:'''Garnet''': Garnet, master of comedy.
:'''Amethyst''': Hehehe... Yo, Steven. ''[pretend-yells]'' '''WHY ARE YOU STANDING THERE ALL SAD LIKE THAT?!?!'''
:'''Steven''': W-well... Connie is taking sword fighting lessons from Pearl, but I think it's getting a little too serious. She wants Connie to do all this dangerous stuff for me.
:'''Garnet''': That makes sense.
:'''Steven''': What do you mean?
:'''Garnet''': Back during the war, Pearl took pride in risking her destruction for your mother. She put Rose Quartz over everything — over logic, over consequence, over her own life.
:''[Pearl and Rose switch to Connie and Steven, respectively. She charges at the enemy before cutting to Steven's horrified face]''
:'''Amethyst''': You okay, dude?
:'''Steven''': I have to do something!! Thanks for telling me that, bye!!

=== ''Rising Tides, Crashing Skies'' ===
:'''RonaIdo''': I am now going to attempt to make contact with the mysterious, reclusive, ''[Steven comes out]'' and—ahh!
:'''Steven''': Hi, Ronaldo! Uh, hi, Peedee. Is that a camera? 
:'''Peedee''': Yeah. We're making a movie about— 
:'''RonaIdo''': It's an investigative report, shot ''[[w:cinéma vérité|camera vérité]]''.
:'''Steven''': Cool! 
:'''RonaIdo''': So... you wanna participate in a groundbreaking interview? 
:'''Steven''': Hmm. Only if ''you'' participate in a glass of fresh-squeezed lemonade! ''[walks back inside]''
:''[cue Ronaldo and Steven in the Beach House]''
:'''Steven''': Ohh, that giant hand? It was a spaceship coming to get us.
:'''RonaIdo''': Us?! I knew it! Steven, we know too much! 
:'''Steven''': No, not &quot;us&quot; us. I-I meant me and the Crystal Gems.
:'''RonaIdo''': Wait. So the hand wasn't here to snatch up humans for a human zoo? Or interfere with our subsidized Beach City wind farm?! Or thaw the cryogenically frozen pets of the one percent!?! 
:'''Steven''': Uh... no, I'm pretty sure it came to Beach City for me and the Crystal Gems.
:'''RonaIdo''': Oh. So, if you and the Crystal Gems weren't here, we wouldn't have been attacked by the giant hand?
:'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! Definitely not.

=== ''Keeping It Together'' ===
:'''Pearl''': Garnet, you don't think Peridot would come looking for us, do you?
:'''Garnet''': We weren't her priority. She was sent here to do something in the Kindergarten.
:'''Pearl''': Do you think she's still going to try to reactivate it?
:'''Garnet''': Mm. If she gets it back up and running, the Injectors will turn back on.
:'''Steven''': Injectors? What're those?
:'''Pearl''': You've already seen them. ''[projects hologram from her gemstone]'' Well, you've seen them disabled. If Peridot reactivates them, they'll pick right up where they left off, planting gems in the crust of the Earth, where they'll incubate and suck the life right out of the ground. We can't let Peridot restart Gem production here. If we do... ''[sighs]'' the entire planet will become…
:'''Garnet''': Janked.
:'''Amethyst''': Garnet! ''[laughs]'' That mouth! ''[sniggers]''
:'''Garnet''': Don't worry. We'll stop her.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': We did it! Garnet?
:'''Garnet/Ruby'''! So ''this'' is what Homeworld thinks of fusion!
:'''Garnet/Sapphire''': We couldn't have known they would do this.
:'''Garnet/Ruby''': ''This'' is where they've been…all the ones we couldn't find… they've been here the whole time!
:'''Garnet/Sapphire''': Rose couldn't have known.
:'''Garnet/Ruby''': This is punishment for the rebellion!
:'''Garnet/Sapphire''': ''[breaking down]'' It's not our fault!
:'''Steven''': Garnet!
:'''Garnet''': S-Steven.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[sliding down with Pearl]'' Yo! We're back.
:'''Pearl''': Garnet, we lost Peridot. Her fingers were too fast for us. ''[two fused hands climb up on Amethyst and grabs them]'' Um… what are these things?
:'''Garnet''': PUT THEM DOWN!
:'''Steven''': Uh!
:'''Pearl''': Wha...? ''[throws the hands away]''
:'''Garnet''': We need to poof and bubble all of them. We can't let any escape. ''[She poofs the hands as the screen turns black]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Garnet''': What Homeworld did… taking the shattered parts of fallen Gems and combining them—those Gems weren't asked permission. Fusion is a choice. Those Gems weren't given a choice. It isn't right. It isn't fusion!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Steven looks at Garnet as he takes the clothes out the dryer into the basket]''
:'''Steven''': What's it like... being a fusion?
:'''Garnet''': You fused.
:'''Steven''': I mean, like, all the time. Do you forget who you used to be?
:'''Garnet''': You forget you were ever alone. You know when you fuse, you don't feel like two people. You feel like one being. And your old names might as well be names for your left arm, and your right.
:'''Steven''': When you split up, is it like you disappear?
:'''Garnet''': I embody my— I mean, Ruby and Sapphire's love. I always exist in them, even if I split apart. But the strength of that love keeps me together, so I can stay Garnet for a very long time.
:'''Steven''': That's why you're so great!
:'''Garnet''': ''[smiles]'' Ha. ''[Steven starts laughing, with a light blue colored sock being blown away]''
:'''Steven''': Oh, no! ''[Garnet catches it]''
:'''Garnet''': Don't wanna break up a pair.
:'''Steven''': ''[holds peach colored sock]'' Yeah, you're right. ''[Garnet folds socks into basket]'' They belong together.

=== ''We Need to Talk'' ===
:''[Greg re-watches Pearl and Rose's fusion dance, practices and falls down]''
:'''Greg''': Ah, geez! How'd she get her legs to do that? ''[groans]''
:'''Amethyst''': Hey! ''[looks at face-to-face with Garnet]'' Are you dead?
:'''Greg''': Wha? Uh, no, no. I'm alive.
:'''Amethyst''': Whoa, cool! ''[jumps over Greg, runs to the TV]'' It's us from before!
:'''Greg''': Yeah, I was just... trying to get my head around this fusion dance.
:'''Amethyst''': A fusion dance ain't about your head! ''[laughs out loud]''
:'''Greg''': Wait... you guys are Gems. You gotta help me out here. I need to be able to fuse with Rose!
:'''Garnet''': First, you need a gem at the core of your being. Then you need a body that can turn into light. Then you need the partner who you trust with that light.
:'''Greg''': Metaphorically?
:'''Garnet''': Literally.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[whispers]'' Shh! Come on! I still wanna see him try!
:'''Greg''': Ugh, so it's true. I really can't do it. ''[touches his face]'' I'm kidding myself with this! I'm never gonna be a Gem... ''[Garnet looks down and picks up a twig]''
:'''Garnet''': Amethyst... give us some privacy! ''[throws it far away]''
:'''Amethyst''': YEAH!! ''[scampers after it]''
:'''Garnet''': Let me tell you something, Mr. Universe. I think you can do it, but it won't work if you dance like Pearl. You have to dance like you. You have to fuse ''your'' way. Get open. Get honest. Invent yourselves together. ''[lowers her shades and winks left of her three eyes]'' That's fusion.
:'''Greg''': EYE—think I get it.

=== ''Chille Tid'' ===
:'''Steven''': &quot;Sleep is a curse, and yet a curse I need to live&quot;—Steven Universe.
----
:'''Garnet''': Let me show you how it's done. ''(She falls over, stiff as a board)''
:'''Pearl''': That's pretty convincing.
----
:'''Steven''': Lapis!
:'''Lapiz Lazuli''': No. I'm ''not'' Lapis anymore. We're Malachite now.

=== ''[[w:Cry for Help (Steven Universe)|Cry for Help]]'' ===
:'''Garnet''': It's as I feared.
:''[The Communication Hub is glowing and shooting a beam of light towards the sky]''
:'''Pearl''': It looks like Peridot somehow repaired the Communication Hub. Well, at least some of it.
:'''Steven''': So... we just gotta wreck it up again, right? (''to Amethyst'') You guys should form Sugilite!
:'''Amethyst''': (''smiling a bit'') Yeah... Well, it's up to Garnet, I guess. (''smiling widely, to Garnet'') What do you say? ''[Pearl looks scared in the background]'' Shall we mash it up?...
:'''Garnet''': No.
:'''Amethyst''': But, don't we need to be huge like last time?
:'''Garnet''': Last time was a disaster. Last time we fused, Sugilite went berserk. It's because of her that we can't even warp here anymore. (''takes off her visor'') I can be brash, you can be reckless. And we can both get carried away. So, for the time being, ''[She puts her visor back on and Amethyst's reflection can be seen in them]'' Sugilite is benched. What we need now is to be careful. ''[Steven gasps]'' It's you and me, Pearl. Let's fuse. ''[Pearl looks astonished as she begins to tear up]'' Don't cry, Pearl. ''[Pearl tries to not cry and quivers as she strongly breathes in through her nose, sniffling thickly]'' Come on, let's do this.
:'''Pearl''': I'm right behind you. (''sniffling'')
:'''Steven''': (''running towards them'') Woo-hoo! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! *sits to the left of Lion* (''Amethyst walks over'')
:'''Garnet''': (''gemstones glow'') Ready.
:'''Pearl''': (''grunts; stretches'') Hang on, it's been such a long time.
----
:'''Sardonyx''': Gooooood evening, everybody! (''struts over to Lion, Steven, and Amethyst and does a twirl'') This is the lovely Sardonyx! Coming to you ''a-live'' from the soon-to-be-former Communication Hub! How are y'all doin' tonight?
:'''Amethyst''': (''sarcastically'')  Great...
:'''Steven''': (''gasps'') Giant woman!
----
:'''Amethyst''': ''Maybe you're better off with her / I think she's better for you / I forgot how great it felt to be us / Guess I got carried away. / I had to use you to make me feel strong / But I don't care about that now / I see a tower built out of my mistakes / And it all comes crashing down. / Is there something I can doo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo / Can I make it up to you?''
----
:'''Amethyst''': Stop!
:'''Pearl''': Is something the matter, Amethyst?
:'''Amethyst''': You... you shouldn't.
:'''Steven''': Pearl, we saw you.
:'''Pearl''': (''shocked'') What?
:'''Steven''': You need to tell Garnet it was you!
:'''Garnet''': I don't understand.
:'''Pearl''': I'm sorry. It's just... so much fun being Sardonyx with you.
:'''Garnet''': ''[drops Pearl to the ground]'' ''That's'' why I couldn't see us finding Peridot.
:'''Pearl''': Wait, let me explain!
:'''Garnet''': You've been fixing the hub!
:'''Pearl''': It really was Peridot! The first time.
:'''Garnet''': You ''tricked'' me!
:'''Pearl''': No! No, no, no, no! We just needed a reason to fuse! I just wanted to share a few more victories with you!
:'''Garnet''': Those weren't ''victories''!
:'''Amethyst''': Wait, Garnet! You know, we're so much weaker than you! Fusing with you is like our one chance to feel... ''stronger''!
:'''Garnet''': Don't defend her! Peridot is out there somewhere and Pearl's been distracting us with... ''nothing''!
:'''Pearl''': Garnet...
:'''Garnet''': ''[angrily points at her]'' That's enough! ''[to Amethyst]'' Amethyst, fuse with me!
:'''Amethyst''': But-!
:'''Garnet''': (''clenching her fist'') Let's just get this over with.

=== ''Keystone Motel'' ===
:'''Steven''': Pearl! Where have you been?!
:'''Pearl''': Looking for Peridot… For a few days straight. Steven, I know I might have… disappointed all of you. I know Garnet's very upset with me. But I'm going to prove to her that she can trust me again. ''[Garnet walks in through the front door]'' Oh! Garnet! I was just looking for Peridot! She's bound to be somewhere, right? Any new ideas? ''[Garnet says nothing and walks past her]'' I'm sorry
----
:'''Garnet''': ''[agitated, panting]'' Calm down... I don't feel like forgiving Pearl!... You don't understand, you must... If you're not going to listen, then you can just GO! ''[splits into Ruby and Sapphire]''
:'''Sapphire''': ''[calmly]'' We must move past this, Ruby.
:'''Ruby''': ''[furiously]'' She ''lied'' to us so we'd form Sardonyx! She ''tricked'' us! Don't you feel used?!
:'''Sapphire''': You're choosing to take it personally.
:'''Ruby''': IT'S ''FUSION'', SAPPHIRE! WHAT'S MORE PERSONAL TO US THAN ''FUSION?!''
:'''Sapphire''': I know you're still upset...
:'''Ruby''': Oh, so it's just me?!
:'''Sapphire''': Of course not. Can't you see I'm completely engulfed with rage?
:'''Ruby''': Well, it doesn't feel like it!
:'''Sapphire''': The sooner we forgive Pearl, the better it will be for us all.
:'''Ruby''': YOU'RE NOT AS ABOVE THIS AS YOU THINK YOU ARE! 
----
:'''Sapphire''': ''[about Ruby, while she shakes the table]'' This will pass. She'll eventually just burn herself out.
:'''Ruby''':  ''[angrily]'' THAT'S WHAT ''YOU'' THINK! '''I AM AN ETERNAL FLAME, BABY!''' ''[flips the table]''
:''[while Greg talks to Steven, arguing with each other simultaneously]''
:'''Ruby''': You don't know me!
:'''Sapphire''': How could I possibly not know you? We always fuse! We always fuse, what are you even going on about fusion?
:'''Ruby''': Look at you! ''[laughing]'' You don't even know yourself! Ha! 
:'''Sapphire''': So don't act so ridiculous. 
:'''Ruby''': ''I'm'' ridiculous?!
:'''Sapphire''': Yes, yes.
----
:'''Steven''': I was so happy when Garnet said she wanted to go on this trip with me and Dad! Home's been awful! Here's been awful! I thought you wanted to have a fun time, but everyone's been acting awful too! It... it just came with us! I don't understand! Is it... is it me?
:'''Ruby''': ...No! Steven, it's all us!
:'''Sapphire''': But we made him feel like it was his fault... I keep looking into the future, when all of this has already been solved, as if it doesn't matter how you feel in the present! ''[starting to cry]'' No wonder you think I don't care...!
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire... No, nonononono! This is all my fault, I... I didn't want to look for a solution, I... I just wanted to be mad! You're right! You're always right! I was being stupid!
:'''Sapphire''': I don't think you're stupid!
:'''Ruby''': I'm... sorry. ''[gently brushes Sapphire's hair aside, revealing her sad eye]''
:'''Sapphire''': You honestly think I'm not upset about what happened? I was just... trying to do the right thing.
:'''Ruby''': I know... ''[starts smiling]'' You know what's nice about being split up?
:'''Sapphire''': What?
:'''Ruby''': I get to look at you...
:'''Sapphire''': ''[pushes her off, laughing]'' Be serious!
:'''Ruby''': ''[hugs Sapphire]'' There's my Laughy Sapphy!
:'''Sapphire''': Shh! You're embarrassing me in front of Steven! ''[cut to Steven, feeling awkward at the scene]''

=== ''Historical Friction'' ===
:'''Steven''': Hey, Pearl! ''[sees a desolate Pearl sitting on the couch, looking at the ceiling]'' Pearl?
:'''Pearl''': ''[jumps up]'' Steven! You're back!
:'''Steven''': Yeah... ''[sits down]'' Show business is rough.
:'''Pearl''': Is there something I can help you with?
:'''Steven''': Not unless you can make William Dewey interesting.
:'''Pearl''': How do ''you'' know William Dewey?
:'''Steven''': I'm gonna be him in this play! But he's totally boring! He's perfect and he never makes mistakes.
:'''Pearl''': ''[sigh]'' Wish I could say the same for myself.
:'''Steven''': Yeah, but nobody's like that! Everybody gets stuff wrong, and then you have to keep going and it's hard, which is why it's great when you never stop trying!
:'''Pearl''': ..When did you get so smart?

=== ''Friend Ship'' ===
:''[Steven and the Gems enter a room in the ship. Peridot appears on a projected screen]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' You Gems really are as dull as dirt!
:'''Pearl''': You're the dull one if you thing you can fly this wreck!
:'''Peridot''': ''[pauses]'' What? Can you speak louder? Some of these communicators are gunked up.
:'''Steven''': ''[cleans off a microphone, speaks into it]'' Pearl says ''you're'' the dull one if you think you can fly this wreck!
:'''Peridot''': ''[waits for Steven's response to come through] [laughs]'' Fly? I'm not using this vessel to fly. I'm using it to '''''TRAP YOU!''''' ''[a door closes, trapping Steven and the Gems in the room]'' Isn't this nice? No more Crystal Gems running around, messing with my plans, destroying my things. Looks like I've got you just where I want you. How does it feel to be so easily outsmarted, you '''''CLODS?!'''''
:'''Pearl''': No...
:'''Amethyst''': ''[speaks into the microphone]'' Hey, uh, this is Amethyst. I don't appreciate being called a clod, you clo-
:'''Peridot''': Enough talk! Prepare yourselves for annihilation! ''[dramatically hits a button]'' Hiyah! ''[nothing happens, hits it again]'' Hiyah!
:''[the room's laser cannons activate and take aim at Steven and the Gems]''
:'''Peridot''': It works! Yes! '''''DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIIIIE!'''''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Pearl, stop. That isn't helping.
:'''Pearl''': I have to do something. I can't believe I walked us right into Peridot's trap. This is all my… ''[Peridot's hologram disappears as the ground starts to shake]'' fault?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': ''[thru screen]'' Garnet… I'm sorry!
:'''Amethyst''': Wait a sec!
:'''Pearl''': Things weren't supposed to turn out this way... ''[inside, Garnet punches the wall again]''
:'''Garnet''': We'll get outta here somehow.
:'''Pearl''': ''[sighs]'' That's not what I mean! I really wanted to catch Peridot to make up for what I did... ''[Garnet withdraws her gauntlets]'' I wanted to prove to you that... that everything could go back to normal...
:'''Garnet''': Catching Peridot won't make things go back to normal. ''[thru screen]'' This isn't about Peridot.
:'''Amethyst''': Hey... they're actually talking!
:'''Steven''': Now they can finally work things out!
:''[soon, the gears start to activate and turn and start closing into the trapped two]''
:'''Amethyst''': Not if they get crushed!
:''[both Garnet and Pearl push their unflinching sides]''
:'''Pearl''': Please! Tell me! How can I make you forgive me?!
:'''Garnet''': You can't! You lied to me! You need to learn that there are consequences to your actions!
:'''Pearl''': I'm sorry! I... I couldn't help myself!
:'''Garnet''': ''[kicks opposite side of wall next to Pearl]'' I don't want to hear your excuses!
:'''Pearl''': But it's true! No matter how hard I try to be strong like you, I'm just a Pearl. I'm useless on my own. ''[cries]'' I need someone to tell me what to do.
:''[the walls suddenly stop moving; Both Amethyst and Steven pull her whip on its gears in its place. Garnet and Pearl pause for a beat]''
:'''Pearl''': When we fuse, I can feel what it's like to be you. Confident and secure, and complete. You're perfect. You're the perfect relationship. You're always together, I just... I wanted to be a part of that.
:'''Garnet''': You're wrong! I'm not as strong as you think. I fell apart over this. Ruby and Sapphire were in turmoil over how you deceived me. ''[thru screen]'' I came undone.
:'''Amethyst''': Whoa, that really happened?
:'''Steven''': ''[nods]'' Hm.
:'''Garnet''': It's not easy being in control. I have weaknesses too, but I choose not to let them consume me. I struggle to stay strong because I know the impact I have on everyone. Please understand, Pearl. ''[thru screen]'' You have an impact too. ''[inside]'' There are times when I look up to you for strength. You are your ''own'' gem. You control your destiny. Not me, not Rose, not Steven. But you must choose to be strong, so we can move forward. So I can trust you again.
:'''Pearl''': I understand. I can't give up anymore!
:'''Garnet''': Good.

=== ''Nightmare Hospital'' ===
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': ''[sighs]'' I had a rough day at work and I'm not in the mood for any more surprises.
:'''Connie''': Whatsyjf happened at work?
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': There was a really strange case at the hospital today, straight out of a ''nightmare''. ''[beat]'' Oh, don't worry, the rules of doctor-patient confidentiality keep me from sharing the graphic details, but... Hang on a moment. When did we get a coat rack?
:'''Connie''': Oh, no...
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': A ''SWORD''?! Connie, where did you get this?!
:'''Steven''': I-it's—
:'''Connie''': I found it! I just... found it outside and I wanted to show it to Steven.
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': How could you possibly think this is okay?!
:'''Connie''': It's—
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Do you know how many children I see everyday in the hospital who've cut their faces off playing with swords?!
:'''Connie''': I—
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': NONE!! Because they all have parents who love them, and who don't let them play around with deadly weapons like some kind of gang member! No playing with swords, under any circumstances! ''[her cell phone rings, answers it]'' This is Dr. Maheswaran. Yes, calm down, Stromberg. Another one?
:'''Steven''': ''[to Connie]'' Is she gonna give it back? 
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': All right, I'll-I'll be right there. ''[zips sword in duffle bag]'' I have to go to the hospital. I'll have a talk with your father to calculate just how grounded you are. ''[leaves, comes back]'' And we're using the abacus! ''[leaves again]''
:'''Connie''': I ''hate'' that abacus. Steven, I'm so sorry. She took your mother's sword!
:'''Steven''': Maybe we can get her to change her mind?
:'''Connie''': She never ''ever'' changes her mind. We've got to get that sword back ourselves.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Connie''': Mom... I'm really sorry about lying to you. It started off as a tiny secret, and then I felt like if I didn't hide it, you wouldn't let me see Steven ever again.
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Is that how you feel? Are we too controlling?
:'''Connie''': ..Maybe.
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I just wanted to be a good mother. I... I just wanted to protect you.
:'''Connie''': I can protect myself now! ''[Dr. Maheswaran pauses for a long beat, sighs]''
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Okay. ''[Connie winces]'' We'll... pull back on the rules, and I'll try to keep an open mind about ''[Connie's lenses]'' this, and ''[Lion]'' that, and... him. ''[Steven stays frightened]'' It scares me that you can't talk to me. I need to know what's happening in your life. I... I need to step in when you're in over your head. Would you just promise me you'll stop all this lying?
:'''Connie''': ''[beat]'' That's a rule. ''[they embrace each other]''
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I love you, honey.
:'''Connie''': I love you too, Mom.

=== ''Sadie's Song'' ===
:'''Sadie''': Please, Mom. Don't make me do this.
:'''Barb''': Make you? You said you wanted to sing.
:'''Sadie''': Yeah! I did! I did! I did, I did. Just like I say lots of things like, &quot;Hey, Mom. Swimming looks fun&quot;, then bam! Suddenly, I'm anchoring a 400 meter relay for the Beach City Seals. &quot;Hey, Mom. I thought signing up for softball would be nice.&quot; 6 birthdays later, I'm still getting nothing but kneepads and batting helmets. &quot;Hey, Mom. I wanna sing at this year's Beachapalooza&quot;, and what do I get? THIS! I just thought, for once, I get to do things my way, but you came in and took over everything like you always do.
:'''Barb''': I just wanted everyone to know how talented my daughter is.
:'''Sadie''': THIS is not your daughter.
:'''Barb''': ''[stunned]'' I'm sorry.

=== ''Catch and Release'' ===
:'''Steven''': ''[getting padded by Peridot]'' Why are you acting like this?!
:'''Peridot''': You smashed me into a limbless cloud, you trapped me in your bubble dungeon, and you called me... ''cute''! ''[Steven evades her punch, face-flat on the floor]''
:'''Steven''': I didn't poof you! I freed you! ''[Peridot turns back]''
:'''Peridot''': Why would you make such a miscalculation?
:'''Steven''': Back at the warp pad, what were you trying to say? Why do we need you? What do you know?
:'''Peridot''': What do I know? Everything there is to know about the Cluster, you pebble!
:'''Steven''': Cluster? Wait, pebble?
:'''Peridot''': My mission. The reason why I'm on this sad rock in the first place! I was to check progress on the Cluster! Just in and out, before it hatches. I wasn't supposed to get stuck here! But now it's going to emerge and nothing can stop it, and we'll all be shattered!!
:'''Steven''': Okay, okay, wait, slow down. Now, from the top—emerging, hatching, Clusters?
:'''Peridot''': You wanna know?
:'''Steven''': Yes.
:'''Peridot''': You ''really'' wanna know?
:'''Steven''': Yes?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[in bathroom]'' Hmm... Seems I've discovered some sort of archaic... think chamber. Roomy, with a fresh hint of Earth citrus. ''[lifts toilet seat]'' A perfect crossroads for my escape.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[fiddling the bathroom doorknob]'' It's locked.
:'''Garnet''': Peridot, open the door! ''[flushing sounds are heard]''
:'''Amethyst''': Uh, if you're trying to flush yourself down the toilet, it ''won't'' work. ''[cut to Peridot spinning inside the toilet bowl]'' Trust me, I've tried.
:'''Pearl''': How did she get out?! We bubbled her!
:'''Amethyst''': Maybe we needed a bigger bubble.
:'''Garnet''': My bubbles are fine.
:'''Steven''': ''[sweating nervously]'' I did it.
:'''Pearl''': ''[shocked]'' Steven, why would you do such a thing?!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': I'm tired of playing these games. If we can't fight her, fine. We'll talk. Peridot!
:'''Peridot''': ''[slips off the sink]'' Whoa!
:'''Garnet''': All right, no more fighting. Let's just have a civil conversation.
:'''Peridot''': As if I'd negotiate with you, filthy war machine!
:'''Garnet''': ''[summons gauntlets]'' Okay, let's kick her butt.
:'''Steven''': Wait!
:'''Peridot''': Yeah! Destroy me again! ''[hangs on bath curtain pole with a plunger]'' And have fun trying to talk to me when I'm in a ''bubble''! ''[almost slips off]''
:'''Pearl''': I really hate to say it, but unfortunately if she has information, she's more valuable to us like… this.
:'''Garnet''': This is going to be tricky. ''[hear knobs turning, water splashing]''
:'''Peridot''': H-h-hot hot hot!!
:'''Steven''': You have to turn the knob the other way for cold! ''[later in the kitchen with the Gems]'' Wait, so we're just gonna let her live in my bathroom?
:'''Pearl''': Well, yes. What other option do we have? Keep her outside on a leash?

=== ''When It Rains'' ===
:'''Garnet''': ''[banging on the bathroom door]'' Open the door, Peridot! If this &quot;Cluster&quot; is putting us in danger, you need to tell us what it is so we can stop it!
:'''Peridot''': No! I hate you! I'm not telling you anything about the Cluster!
:'''Amethyst''': Oh, come on. Is it like a big, hunk of granola?
:'''Peridot''': What's granola? 
:'''Pearl''': I'm sure it's not granola. Now, Peridot, I'm sure we can reach some sort of agreement. Perhaps a trade is in order?
:'''Peridot''': Oh, sure. Why don't you just give me back my leg enhancements and my arm attachments with my screen and my log and all my information. Oh, wait, YOU DESTROYED THEM! So, no, I don't think we can reach some sort of agreement!
:'''Steven''': ''[flushing the toilet]'' Okay, Peridot, you can turn around now. ''[exits the bathroom, clears throat]'' Sorry for interrupting your interrogation.
:'''Garnet''': Don't worry about it, Steven.
:'''Pearl''': I swear, Peridot is gonna crack any second now.
:'''Peridot''': I'll ''never'' crack for the likes of you, you… Crystal Clods! ''[laughs]''
:'''Pearl''': ''[angrily]'' Ooh, I got your clods right here, you little…!
:'''Garnet''': ''[puts her hand on her shoulder]'' Hold on, Pearl. If she's not gonna be of any help, let's investigate this thing on our own.
:'''Steven''': I'll come with you.
:'''Garnet''': Sorry, Steven. We're gonna need you to stay here and keep an eye on our…''guest.''
:'''Steven''': Really?
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah. Make sure she doesn't try anything.
:'''Pearl''': Don't worry. She's harmless without her limb enhancers.
:'''Peridot''': I'M NOT HARMLESS!
:'''Pearl''': Oh, hush up!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': These are the early attempts at artificial fusion.
:'''Steven''': That's a lot of gem shards.
:'''Peridot''': We were growing them here at this very site. But these were just prototypes for the final product, a singular giant artificial fusion, comprised of millions of gem shards…the Cluster.
:'''Steven''': Peridot, you're saying there's a giant mutant gem the size of the Earth under us right now?
:'''Peridot''': Oh, no. When it forms, it'll be much, much bigger than the Earth. Right now, it lies dormant, incubating in the Earth's core. But when it emerges and takes its physical form, it will destroy the planet. The prototypes are already emerging. The Cluster is next. If we can't get off this planet, we've got to stop the Cluster! I thought it'd be impossible, but now we have a chance.
:'''Steven''': What is it?
:'''Peridot''': ''[grabs Steven's shoulders and grins malevolently]'' It's you, Steven! ''[she and Steven climb out of the control room]'' Now that you're filled in, we can get to work!
:'''Steven''': Uhh, how am I supposed to help?
:'''Peridot''': Well, you have all the information that we need about Earth and its erratic behavior. Put that together with my expansive knowledge of the Cluster and we just might be able to stop it!
:'''Steven''': No, Peridot, I don't think you get it! Just because I know how clouds work doesn't mean I know how to stop a giant mutant in the center of the earth! Besides, the only reason that I know anything about clouds and rain is because my dad told me.
:'''Peridot''': What are you talking about?
:'''Steven''': I used to be really scared of thunderstorms, just like you. Then Dad explained how rain and all that stuff works, then I wasn't scared of rain anymore.
:'''Peridot''': Well, I'm sure you have other knowledge about how this planet works.
:'''Steven''': Sure, but none of it's going to help us. If we want to stop this Cluster thing, we'll need help from the Crystal Gems.
:'''Peridot''': I said I don't need them! Let's just warp me back to the bathroom, or whatever you call it, and we'll take care of this. If it looks really bad, then we can just ask this &quot;dad&quot; for help, right?

=== ''Back to the Barn'' ===
:'''Peridot''': What is that?!
:'''Steven''': ''[speaking with the Cluster puppet]'' It's the Cluster.
:'''Peridot''': It does not look like that. But it ''is'' real, and it can activate at any moment!
:'''Amethyst''': What a cluster.
:'''Garnet''': That abomination must be stopped.
:'''Pearl''': But how? We'll need to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth, it'll have to-
:'''Peridot''': ''[swats at Pearl, interrupting her]'' Hey! I wasn't finished speaking! What we ''need'' is to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': All right. What we have here in the barn should be adequate enough for us to get started. First, I recommend we organize the component types, and assemble a rough blueprint based off what we have available. Sorry, Steven. It's a lovely drawing, but it won't look like this. ''[Steven stops spinning on the swivel chair, now frowning]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[examines piece of chalk]'' Hmm... Good. Yes, this is adequate. Thank you. You can go now.
:'''Pearl''': ..Uh, what?
:'''Peridot''': Hm? ''[beat]'' Umm, that will be all? ''[claps to her for a beat, whispers to Steven]'' How do you get her to leave?
:'''Pearl''': Excuse me, I am not leaving.
:'''Steven''': Yeah! She's gotta stay here to help us build the drill thing, right?
:'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' No, no, you're confused. A Pearl can't build a thing like this.
:'''Steven''': Why not?
:'''Peridot''': Because Pearls aren't ''for'' this! They're... for standing around, an-and looking nice, and uh... holding your stuff for you. Right?
:'''Pearl''': That's enough! If we're going to work together, you're going to have to listen to me.
:'''Peridot''': Listen to you? ''[starts laughing, turns to Steven]'' Did you teach her to talk like this?
:'''Steven''': What are you talking about?
:'''Peridot''': She's a Pearl. She's a made-to-order servant just like the hundreds of other Pearls being flaunted around back on Homeworld.
:'''Steven''': Wait... There's hundreds of Pearls?!
:'''Pearl''': ''[nervous]'' Well... yes, but—
:'''Peridot''': ''[holding Pearl's sash]'' And she looks like a fancy one, too. ''[Pearl gasps]''
:'''Steven''': Hundreds of Pearls...
:'''Peridot''': So, who do you belong to anyway?
:'''Pearl''': ''[grabs her sash away from her]'' Nobody!!
:'''Peridot''': Then... what are you for? ''[Pearl recoils back]'' Well, you can belong to me for now. Ha! A Peridot with a Pearl? What would they say back home?
:'''Pearl''': Now listen here, you tiny twerp! In case you've forgotten, you're on ''our'' turf now! And I didn't fight a thousand-year war for this planet's independence to take orders from the likes of ''you''!!
:'''Peridot''': Excuse me? I am a natural technician and a certified Kindergartener. I was made for this! You were made to take orders, not to give them!
:'''Steven''': Whoa, whoa, hang on, guys! Now, we can all agree that you are both good at building things, so... can't you just try listening to each other?
:'''Both''': &lt;big&gt;'''''NO!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Pearl''': I'm as good at building things as you! Better, even!
:'''Peridot''': Hah! Name one thing you can engineer better! Go on!
:'''Steven''': ''[whispers]'' Robots.
:'''Both''': Hm?
:'''Steven''': You should build robots. Giant robots! I see a race. A giant robo-race... with prizes. Giant robo-prizes!
:'''Pearl''': You mean like a competition?
:'''Steven''': Yeah! To see who's better at building stuff!
:'''Peridot''': What are these robots you speak of? 
:'''Steven''': They're like those funky marble guys you were sending—only bigger, and you can ride them! ''[makes robot noises]''
:'''Peridot''': Hah! Building one of these robots will be easy!
:'''Pearl''': Well, I can build one faster!
:'''Peridot''': That's what you think!

=== ''Too Far'' ===
:'''Peridot''': ''[talking into a recorder]'' Log date 7 11 2. It's the third rotation of the Earth since commencements of a... collaborative approach to stopping the Cluster.
:'''Pearl''': I've finished drawing up the blueprints for the drill head. Peridot, if you could come take a look at this?
:'''Peridot''': Remind me again why I should listen to you? Oh, right. ''[plays recorder]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] &quot;The Pearl here has developed an aptitude for engineering that I begrudgingly respect. But that doesn't explain the spontaneous singing... crying... singing while crying.&quot; [Amethyst laughs]''
:'''Pearl''': ''[to Steven] [annoyed]'' Why did you give her that?
:'''Steven''': Well, we did destroy all her stuff. I thought it might help make her feel a little better.
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] &quot;Clod!&quot; [fast-forwards] &quot;Mighty clod!&quot; [fast-forwards] &quot;Running out of ways to say clod.&quot;''
:'''Garnet''': All right. I chased away those cows. Now let's get to work.
:'''Peridot''': ''[to Garnet] [clears throat]'' Before we begin, would you mind unfusing? It's making me incredibly uncomfortable.
:''[beat as Steven, Amethyst and Pearl nervously look to Garnet. The scene then cuts to Garnet leashing Peridot to a fence.]
:'''Peridot''': ''[as Garnet walks away]'' What?! What'd I say?! 
:'''Steven''': Did we really have to do that?
:'''Garnet''': Her having free reign of the place made ''me'' incredibly uncomfortable.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;

:''[Steven and Amethyst walk up to a leashed Peridot growling over a microwave]''
:'''Peridot''': I just need some sort of leverage optimizer...
:'''Amethyst''': Leverage optimizer?
:'''Peridot''': That's what I said.
:'''Amethyst''': Ohhh! Ha! You mean you want a screwdriver? ''[laughing]''
:'''Peridot''': Do you have one or not?
:'''Steven''': Uh... ''[hands a screwdriver]'' Why don't you just use this one?
:'''Peridot''': Because it was outside my radius.
:'''Amethyst''': He-hey... Hey, Peridot... ''[points to her nose]'' What do you call this?
:'''Peridot''': A scent sponge.
:'''Steven''': Huh? ''[Amethyst laughs some more]''
:'''Amethyst''': Okay... ''[opens her eye]'' what's this?
:'''Peridot''': Vision sphere.
:'''Steven''': Peridot, that's—
:'''Amethyst''': Wait, wait, Steven! Peridot... ''[waves her fingers]'' these?
:'''Peridot''': ''[getting annoyed]'' Touch stumps.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[points to her foot]'' This?!
:'''Peridot''': Gravity connectors.
:'''Amethyst''': ''This''?!
:'''Peridot''': '''THAT'S YOUR BUTT!!!''' ''[Steven and Amethyst laugh out loud]''
:'''Steven''': Oh, man, Peridot, you're killing me!
:'''Peridot''': I am not! That would violate our truce agreement!
:'''Amethyst''': No, no, no! You're funny!
:'''Peridot''': Funny?

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': The strangest thing is, Amethyst... you think you have to listen to them! ''[laughs]'' You are the one they should put you in charge!
:'''Amethyst''': Ha! That's your best joke yet.
:'''Peridot''': No, really. Pearl is a Pearl. Garnet is a fusion. I don't even know what ''he's'' supposed to be.
:'''Steven''': Hey!
:'''Peridot''': You're the only Crystal Gem that's actually a Gem! 
:'''Amethyst''': Uh... ''[laughs nervously]'' What?
:'''Peridot''': You outrank everyone on your team. They should be listening to you. You're a strong, singular, fully-functional soldier, despite the fact that you're defective.
:'''Amethyst''': ..Defective?
:'''Peridot''': Well, sure. You're small.
:'''Amethyst''': So?
:'''Peridot''': Well, you're not supposed to be! Hold on, wait, wait. Let me guess. ''[points to Amethyst's hole]'' This— ''[runs to hole]'' This is the hole you came out of. Too small, too low, the exit marks look about 500 years newer than every other hole. Hmm... this place must have been empty when you came out. No wonder you have no idea what you're supposed to look like!
:'''Steven''': Peridot... ''[Amethyst holds Steven on the shoulder]''
:'''Amethyst''': What was I supposed to look like?
:'''Peridot''': Well, you're a quartz. They're huge, loyal soldiers. You should be twice your size. Broad shouldered, intimidating, but you simply stayed in the ground too long.
:'''Amethyst''': Are you saying I'm wrong?!
:'''Peridot''': ''[laughing]'' Gemetically speaking, yes. When you think about it it's also... ''[snickers]'' funny! ''[Amethyst feels more enraged]''
:'''Steven''': Amethyst?
:'''Peridot''': Hey, soldier. Maybe you can help me get this hunk of drill off.
:''[Amethyst violently slashes the drill head off of an Injector with her whip]''
:'''Peridot''': See? Look at that! You can do everything a normal quartz can do. Let's head back and shove this thing in Pearl's face!
:'''Steven''': Amethyst? Are you okay?
:'''Amethyst''': Don't worry about it.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;

:'''Pearl''': ''WE LEAVE FOR ONE SECOND AND EVERYTHING GOES OFF THE RAILS!''
:'''Garnet''': I blame the cows.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder]'' &quot;''Log date 7 11 2. This entire planet is backwards. There hasn't been one instance of correct behavior exhibited by anyone of these Crystal Gems. I have concluded that they are all defective. But I am no better. I failed my mission and I'm now working with the enemy. And I can't even get that right. I have apparently &quot;hurt&quot; Amethyst's &quot;feelings&quot;, which was not my intent. If I damaged my standing with the best Gem here, then I've made a serious mistake. I'm still learning. I hope you understand. I want to understand. I'm sorry. [pause] Peridot, Facet 5, end log.''&quot;

=== ''The Answer'' ===
:'''Sapphire''': My Diamond, I have arrived.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond spoke…
:'''Blue Diamond''': Sapphire, tell me what will happen here.
:'''Sapphire''': I foresee the rebels attacking the Cloud Arena. Before they are cornered, they will destroy the physical forms of seven gems, including two of my Ruby guards, and myself. Immediately after my form is destroyed, the rebels will be captured. The rebellion ends here.
:'''Blue Diamond''': Thank you, Sapphire.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond said, relieved.
:'''Blue Diamond''': That's all I needed to know.
:'''Sapphire''': I look forward to speaking with you again once I reform back on Homeworld.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Rose''': ''[off-screen]'' Blue Diamond, leave this planet! This colony will ''not'' be completed!
:'''Ruby Guard''': It's the rebels!
:'''Various Gems''': Who are you?! Show yourselves!
:'''Rose''': ''[floating from above Pearl]'' We…
:'''Rose &amp; Pearl''': …are the Crystal Gems!
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The attack was right on schedule.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The furious crowd closed in around Ruby and Sapphire. They'd never seen fusion of two different types of gems.
:'''Various Gems''': Unbelievable! Disgusting! This is unheard of!
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond's voice cut through the crowd.
:'''Blue Diamond''': The rebels have fled. Sapphire, this is ''not'' the scenario you described.
:'''Sapphire''': This is… not what I saw! I don't know what happened, I…
:'''Ruby''': No! It was me!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Clearly.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Said Blue Diamond.
:'''Blue Diamond''': How dare you fuse with a member of my court?
:'''Ruby''': Forgive me, I…
:'''Blue Diamond''': You will be broken for this!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Both''': ''Where did we go, what did we do?''
:''I think we made something entirely new''
:''And it wasn't quite me and it wasn't quite you''
:''I think it was someone entirely new.''

:'''Ruby''': ''Oh, um''
:''Well, I just can't stop thinking''
:'''Sapphire''': ''So, um''
:''Did you say I was different?''

:'''Ruby''': ''And you hadn't before''
:'''Sapphire''': ''Of course not''
:''When would I have ever?''
:'''Ruby''': ''I'm so sorry''
:'''Sapphire''': ''No, no, don't be''
:'''Ruby''': ''And now you're here forever!''

:'''Sapphire''': ''What about you?''
:'''Ruby''': ''What about me?''
:'''Sapphire''': ''Well, you're here too''
:''We're here together.''

:''Mm-m-m-m-mm''
:'''Both''': ''Mm-m-m-m-mm, hm-m-m-m-m''
:''Mm-m-m-m-mm''
:''Mm-m-m-m-mm...''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' I was back. I was someone and I didn't know who. But I felt I was getting the hang of my strange new form. ''[beat]'' And then I fell.
:'''Fusion''': Ahh! ''[tumbling down a hill and crashes in bushes]'' Ouch... ''[a sword is pointed to her face]'' Aahh! Don't hurt her! Don't hurt... me?
:''[pan up to see Pearl as the sword bearer]''
:'''Pearl''': It's you... the fusion.
:'''Fusion''': We didn't mean to fuse! Well... well, we did this time. We'll unfuse! We-we'll... w-we'll... ''[Rose Quartz comes by]''
:'''Rose''': No, no, please. I'm glad to see you again.
:'''Garnet''': And there they were—Rose Quartz, the leader of the rebellion and her terrifying renegade Pearl.
:'''Fusion''': I don't... upset you?
:'''Rose''': Who cares about how I feel? How ''you'' feel is bound to be much more interesting.
:'''Fusion''': How I feel? I-I feel... uh, lost... and scared... a-and happy. W-Why am I so sure that I'd rather be this than everything I was supposed to be, and that I'd rather do this than everything I was supposed to do? ''[Rose chuckles and smiles]''
:'''Rose''': Welcome to Earth.
:'''Fusion''': C-Can you tell me?! How was Ruby able to alter fate? Or, why was Sapphire willing to give up everything? W-What am I?!
:'''Rose''': No more questions. Don't ''ever'' question this. You already are the answer.
:''[Flashback story ends as Garnet concludes]''
:'''Steven''': So…what was it? The answer?
:'''Garnet''': ''[whispers]'' Love.
:'''Steven''': Wow… I knew it.
:'''Garnet''': So did I.

=== ''Steven's Birthday'' ===
:''[Steven runs and hides to an edge of the barn; he de-ages into his normal state]''
:'''Steven''': Ohhh, geez! If I can just keep this up for the rest of my life, no one will suspect a thi—
:''[he sees wide-eyed Amethyst and Greg staring at Steven for a beat; he drops a piñata stick]''
:'''Amethyst''': What are you doing?!
:'''Steven''': ''[stammers]'' U-uh— well, what are ''[ages back]'' you doing?
:'''Greg''': What are ''you'' doing to your body?!
:'''Amethyst''': Woah, woah, woah... Have you been stretching yourself out all day?!
:'''Steven''': No! I was just... slouching.
:'''Greg''': Why are you doing this? It... really isn't like you.
:'''Steven''': Because, Dad! I can't stay a kid forever! When Connie grows up and becomes president, what is that gonna make me? First Boy?!
:'''Amethyst''': Steven, you can't just keep stretching forever. If you hold it too long, you could really hurt yourself.
:'''Steven''': Yeah, well, I'm half-human so maybe it works different for me! We'll just have to wait and see, right?!
:'''Greg''': ''[sighs]'' Steven...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': ''[trying to cheer up baby Steven but fails]'' My power means nothing to an infant.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Greg, Connie and Amethyst (as a baby car seat for baby Steven) drive up in his van; Connie waves a maraca trying to calm down baby Steven]''
:'''Connie''': How can the Gems not know what to do?!
:'''Greg''': You think they know the first thing about raising a baby? That was all me! But I don't get it. Driving always used to calm him down.
:'''Connie''': But, how do we change him back?!
:'''Greg''': I don't know! Look, Connie, let me take you home. I-I'll call you when this all this gets sorted out.
:''[Connie turns to baby Steven babbling and crying]''
:'''Connie''': W-Wait, no! I wanna stay.
:'''Greg''': Are you sure?
:'''Connie''': Yeah! I just want to be there for Steven. Don't worry, Steven. It doesn't matter to me what age it seems like you are, I wanna hang out with you no matter what. Your dad still has to earn his car wash and the Gems have to do gem stuff, so I'll watch you when they're not around. I can come see you after I'm done training with Pearl, too. Doesn't that sound fun? ''[baby Steven holds onto her finger; coos happily]''
:'''Greg''': Look at that! He finally stopped crying.
:'''Connie''': Well, that's a start. ''[Amethyst clears her throat]''
:'''Greg''': What's up, Amethyst?
:'''Amethyst''': Baby Steven needs changin'.

=== ''It Could've Been Great'' ===
:'''Steven''': ''Life and death and love and birth''
:''And peace and war on the planet Earth''
:''Is there anything that's worth more''
:''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?''

:''Whoahh, come on and sing it with me''
:'''Peridot''': Sing?
:'''Steven''': ''The words relate to the key''
:'''Peridot''': Key?
:'''Steven''': ''If it's a pattern, if it's a pattern''
:''Then just repeat after me.''

:''Life and death and love and birth''
:'''Peridot''': ''Life and death and love and birth''
:'''Steven''': ''Now using mi-fa-mi-mi-fa-mi-ti-la!''
:'''Both''': ''And peace and war on the planet Earth.''
:'''Steven''': Yes, yes! That's it!
:'''Peridot''': That's so easy.
:'''Steven''': Yeah, but that's what's fun about it! You should write something, you should write a song.
:'''Peridot''': About what?
:'''Steven''': Whatever you're thinking.
&lt;hr width=25% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''I guess we're already here, I guess we already know''
:''We've all got something to fear, we've all got nowhere to go''
:''I think you're all '''insane''', but I guess I am too''
:''Anybody would be if they were stuck on Earth with you.''

:'''Steven''': ''[laughing]'' Yes! ''Life and death and love and birth and''
:'''Amethyst''': ''Life and death and love and birth and''
:'''Pearl''': ''Life and death and love and birth''
:''And peace and war on the planet Earth.''

:'''Garnet''': ''Is there anything that's worth more''
:'''Steven''': ''Is there anything that's worth more''
:'''Peridot''': ''Is there anything that's worth more''
:''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Peridot brings up a hologram of Earth, which starts eroding to a hollowed-out version with a ring system as Steven and the Gems awe in shock]''
:'''Peridot''': Ta-da! A finished Earth colony. Wow, look at this! Eighty-nine Kindergartens, sixty-seven spires, a Galaxy Warp in each facet, efficient use of all available materials. What were you thinking shutting this operation down?! It could've been great!
:'''Garnet''': No! You're wrong! 
:'''Peridot''': What do you mean? It's perfect. Look at it!
:'''Pearl''': We ''are'' looking at it.
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah, this plan stinks! 
:'''Garnet''': Completing this colony would have meant the extinction of all life on Earth!
:'''Peridot''': But think of the good it would've done! The Gems that would've been made are empire expanded! 
:'''Pearl''': Rose Quartz believed all life was precious and ''worth'' protecting.
:'''Peridot''': Well, if she wanted to protect it, she did a lousy job! There'd be no Cluster if the Earth had stayed a colony! Now there's no colony, and there's gonna be no Earth! So thank you, Rose Quartz, you doomed the planet!
:''[Garnet, Pearl and Amethyst stare angrily at Peridot for a beat]''
:'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! ''[nervously]'' Is there anything that's worth more than— ''[Garnet picks up Peridot]''
:'''Garnet''': You listen to me now. ''[summons gauntlet]'' You were talking about things that you do ''not'' understand.
:'''Steven''': Garnet! Stop, please! It's not worth it. We're done here. Let's just go home.
:''[Garnet drops Peridot on the seat and smashes the control panel with her gauntlet and the hologram dissipates; the Gems start leaving soon after. Steven sighs]''
:'''Peridot''': What'd I say? I'm just stating a fact. The rebellion didn't really save Earth, it just delayed the inevitable.
:'''Steven''': ''[sighs]'' That's not the way they see it. They've spent thousands of years trying to protect the Earth. I thought maybe you finally understood why.

=== ''Message Received'' ===
:'''Peridot''': Wait! I— I wouldn't have called just to waste your time with a report.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You already have.
:'''Peridot''': ''[nervously]'' No, I mean... The reason I called – the ''real'' reason... I believe we should terminate the Cluster.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ...''Why?''
:'''Peridot''': The organic ecosystem creates resources unique to this world. We can't sacrifice all that potential just for one geo-weapon! I'd like to tell you some plans I came up with to utilize the planet without disrupting the local—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I've heard enough! I don't care about potential and resources.
:'''Peridot''': What?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I want my Cluster, and I want that planet to ''die''. Just make that happen.
:'''Peridot''': ...No!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Huh?!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Are you questioning my authority?
:'''Peridot''': I'm questioning your objectivity! My Diamond.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Well! ''[Yellow Diamond stands up]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You are out of line.
:'''Peridot''': I just think—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm not interested in the puny thoughts of a Peridot.
:'''Peridot''': But—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You have disrespected this channel and my time with your presence, and you would do well to—
:'''Peridot''': But—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''Shut your mouth!!'' ''[beat]'' You have failed at every stage of this mission! Your only chance to redeem yourself is to obey this simple order: You are to leave the Cluster to grow. It will tear apart the Earth, and I will take immense satisfaction in erasing that hideous rock off of our star maps! ''Is that clear?!''
:'''Peridot''': I won't do it!! I can tell you with certainty that there are things on this planet worth protecting! ''[Steven smiles]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What do you know about the Earth?!
:'''Peridot''': ''[losing her temper]'' APPARENTLY MORE THAN ''YOU'', YOU... &lt;big&gt;'''''CLOD!'''''&lt;/big&gt; ''[Yellow Diamond suddenly becomes incredibly livid at a petrified Peridot]'' Uhh... Peridot out.
:''[She terminates communication; Steven and the Gems come out from hiding and happily congratulate Peridot]''
:'''Steven''': That was AMAZING! 
:'''Peridot''': ''[sweating and looking devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that...
:'''Steven''': I was so wrong about being so wrong about you! 
:'''Peridot''': ''[still sweating and devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that...!
:'''Garnet''': You thought you could change her mind. 
:'''Amethyst''': Yellow D got torn down by the &quot;Peridactyl&quot;!
:'''Peridot''': ''[sighs and gives the communicator to Pearl]'' Can one of you take this? 
:'''Pearl''': Why? 
:'''Peridot''': Because it can be remotely detonated. 
:''[The communicator starts to glow red; Steven and the Gems panic while Peridot curls up into a ball on the ground]'' 
:'''Pearl''': How do we stop it?!
:'''Garnet''': Just get rid of it!
:'''Pearl''': Err, here, Amethyst! ''[passes it to her]''
:'''Amethyst''': ''WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH IT?!''
:''[She throws it to Steven, who bubbles it; Garnet punches it away into the sky, where it explodes harmlessly]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[still curled up]'' I thought I could reason with her... 
:'''Amethyst''': ''[grinning]'' Yeah, you ''REALLY'' made her mad. 
:'''Pearl''': ''[smiling]'' And then you insulted her to her face. 
:'''Steven''': ''[overjoyed]'' Do you know what this means?! 
:'''Peridot''': I'm a traitor to my Homeworld. 
:'''Steven''': ''You're a Crystal Gem!!!'' ''[hugs Peridot]'' 
:'''Garnet''': ''[smiling]'' Whether you like it or not. 
:''[Peridot starts groaning loudly as the camera zooms out to the whole of Earth]''

=== ''Log Date 7 15 2'' ===
:'''Peridot''': Log date 7 15 2. I can't believe I just did that! I disobeyed my orders and went against Yellow Diamond's wishes! I'm a traitorous clod! I never want to think about what I've done again! ''[stops recording, rewinds and plays the recording; laughs madly]'' And I called Yellow Diamond a clod! Right to her face! ''[falls to her knees]'' I called Yellow Diamond a clod. ''Right to her face.''
:'''Steven''': Uh, Peridot? Are you going to be okay?
:'''Peridot''': ''[enthusiastically with a deranged smile]'' No!
:'''Steven''': It's all going to work out. You're with us now.
:'''Peridot''': You don't understand! I'm protecting a planet I was once trying to destroy! I used to follow every order, every rule. Now I'm a traitor. ''[cringes]'' A rebel! ''[eyes turn to stars] '''A CRYSTAL GEMMMMMMMMMMMM....''' ''[snickers]''
:'''Steven''': Well, that tape recorder seems to be helping.
:'''Peridot''': '''NO IT'S NOT!''' ''[throws recorder at Garnet, who had just entered]'' It's a chronicle of my descent into madness!!!
:'''Garnet''': ''[holding out recorder to Peridot]'' You dropped this.
:'''Peridot''': Get it away from me! Give it to Steven. Return madness to its source!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Log Date 7 11 2. The Steven has given me this Earth machine to replace my communicator log. It looks…extremely primitive. He also said he wanted me to stop calling him, &quot;The Steven.&quot;
:'''Steven''': It's just &quot;Steven.&quot;
:'''Peridot''': I said I'd call him whatever I want. ''[hisses viciously at him; Steven holds up his finger in her face]'' He told me that was rude.
:'''Steven''': Rude.
:'''Peridot''': I guess I'll him, &quot;Steven.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Pearl really tries for some reason and I can appreciate that. Amethyst's company is entertaining as well, but the fused one... ''[sees Garnet for a long beat, she gives her a thumbs up]'' ...eludes me.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': &quot;Jokes.&quot; ''[opens up the joke book; clears throat]'' &quot;Why did the chicken cross the road? The chicken wanted to get to the other side of the road.&quot; ''[laughs]'' What's a chicken?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[recorder]'' Hour 78 of ''Camp Pining Hearts''. ''[saying Percy's line]'' It's the colour war, Paulette. Doesn't that mean anything to you?
:'''Steven''': Uh, you've been here for a few days. Is everything okay?
:'''Peridot''': I've just been... watching your previously recorded entertainment.
:'''Steven''': Is that the same episode from three days ago?
:'''Peridot''': There's more than one?
:'''Steven''': Hmm... nah. Oh, you made a picture. ''[reaches a piece of paper before Peridot snatches it]''
:'''Peridot''': Picture?! This isn't just a picture, Steven! It's a complex chart cataloging the compatible characteristics between campers. Somehow, the rejects at Camp Clod fail to recognize the superior pair that is Pierre and Percy.
:'''Steven''': Well, that's because Paulette likes Percy.
:'''Peridot''': Paulette? Ha! Paulette has no place in the camp's hierarchy. Now, Pierre—Pierre is a brute! Pierre laid waste to the three-legged races! Pierre and Percy present the strongest battle formation! They'd destroy the camp!
:'''Steven''': You got all this from one episode?
:'''Peridot''': It's ''{{w|subtext}}'', Steven. Allow me to explain. ''[cut back to recorder held by Steven]'' &quot;''Well, first of all...''&quot;
:'''Steven''': Ugh, I remember this part.
:''[Steven fast-forwards recorder as we see Peridot speeding through the entire session; Steven soon falls asleep with Garnet now sitting on the couch]''
:'''Peridot''': And that's why Percy and Pierre are objectively the best for each other! ''[Steven slumps down the floor; Garnet gives a thumbs up; Peridot tears up her chart angrily]'' ''GRAHHH!!!''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Steven fast-forwards the tape recorder]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder]'' Okay, go.
:'''Garnet''': ''[thru recorder]'' Log date seven fourteen two.
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder]'' No, you say it seven one-''four'' two! ''[groans]'' Log date 7 14 2. I have attempted a fusion with the fusion Garnet. I had hoped to gain a better understanding of fusion. Instead, I gained a better understanding of Garnet.
:'''Garnet''': ''[thru recorder]'' Wait, keep it on a moment. Steven, you probably shouldn't have listened to Peridot's logs, but I know your curiosity comes from a place of caring. You should give the recorder back to her now. She's going to want to keep it.
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder]'' Wait, what?

[[Category:Steven Universe seasons]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3147459</id>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-26T15:51:56Z</timestamp>
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]]
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{{italic title}}
The following is a list of quotes from the second season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''.

=== ''Full Disclosure'' ===
:'''Greg''': I saw the spaceship starting to leave and then it crashed and I came back and— ''[sees Steven's black eye]'' Ugh, your eye... But you're okay! I guess those jerks were no match for the Crystal Gems!
:'''Steven''': No way! They were super strong!
:'''Greg''': But you were able to beat them back?
:'''Steven''': No, they totally stomped us! This warrior Jasper was super beefy and knocked me unconscious. Then they abducted me onto the ship because they wanted to take me away forever, and then we crashed the ship and I almost died! ''[Greg freaks out]''
:'''Greg''': W-What do they want with you?!
:'''Steven''': They think I'm Mom.
:'''Greg''': Ar-are more Homeworld Gems gonna come after you?!
:'''Steven''': I— uhh... I don't know. Maybe?
:'''Greg''': Steven, I'm supportive and very proud of you... and I'll be right back. ''[runs into his van]'' Gotta calm down. Where's my— ''[brings a series of CDs up front]'' Where's my relaxing music CD?! This one? ''[inserts CD; starts blaring loud metal music]'' Wrong one!! Stop!! Eject!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Ronaldo''': Oh! I see... You come up here to brood too!
:'''Steven''': Brood?
:'''Ronaldo''': Yes, Steven. That's just what people like us do. Suffer quietly, shouldering the knowledge no one else can bear.
:'''Steven''': Hm.
:'''Ronaldo''': As an aficionado of the weird yourself, you've probably noticed ordinary people fear the cold leaded anchor of the truth. The abyss is no Sunday swan ride.
:'''Steven''': I know! My dad flipped out when I told him!
:'''Ronaldo''': Sounds typical. But it's a good reminder. This is no easy path we've chosen here. There are... sacrifices. Look at them all down there, Steven. It's our duty to let those simple people live out their simple lives, without ever knowing the burden of being friends with us.
:'''Steven''': At least we can be there for each other.
:'''Ronaldo''': Is that giant hand from the sky sitting right in the middle of the beach?! I gotta get some of this for my blog!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': Aw, come on!
:'''Garnet''': No whining. We need to start cleaning up the debris.
:'''Pearl''': Garnet's right. People are already coming back into town!
:'''Steven''': We've got to keep them off the beach. If any humans got access to Gem technology, ''[shuts blinds]'' they could really hurt themselves. Maybe we should shut them out... for good.
:'''Pearl''': You know... we did once have a fence. Let's get a new one—with barbed wire! 
:'''Amethyst''': This time, let's build a moat. I could be... ''[shapeshifts her head]'' the crocodi-i-ile!! Jazz hands!
:'''Garnet''': No.
:'''Amethyst''': Why not?
:'''Pearl''': You always say you'll be the crocodile, but you never commit!
:'''Garnet''': No fence either.
:'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Garnet!
:'''Garnet''': Steven needs to see his father and his friends.
:'''Steven''': No, I don't! I can't keep clinging to the vestiges of my humanity. It's time I got serious. ''[his phone starts ring-toning again]'' Errh!
:'''Pearl''': Steven, why is your communication device playing that song?
:'''Steven''': It's Connie, trying to call me... but I can't face her anymore.
:'''Pearl''': So... you're just going to ignore her forever?
:'''Steven''': It's the responsible thing to do.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[sees thru blinds]'' It's gonna be hard, 'cause she's coming up the steps right now.
:'''Steven''': What?!

=== ''Open Book'' ===

=== ''Joy Ride'' ===
:'''Steven''': Family stuff is tricky. 
:'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': Mmhm.
:'''Steven''': A few months back, my dad and the Gems grounded me from TV.
:'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': That's the worst. / Bummer. / No way!
:'''Steven''': And then I found out that the Gems are alien rebels and that there are other Gems out in space that want us dead 'cause they think we're traitors. And they tried to take me hostage 'cause they think I'm my mom. And... maybe I kinda am? ''[sighs]'' I wish I could talk to Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl about it, but... I think they kinda blame me for my mom not being around.
:''[Buck, Sour Cream and Jenny are in a state of shock for a beat. Jenny turns off the radio]''
:'''Jenny''': That's heavy.
:'''Steven''': I guess.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Steven... you're ungrounded from TV.

=== ''[[w:Say Uncle (Steven Universe)|Say Uncle]]'' ===
:'''Steven''': What am I doing wrong? The Gems can all summon ''their'' weapons, why can't I? ''[desperately]'' Isn't there somebody who can help me?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Steven''': Oh my gosh! Uncle Grandpa! You're really here, I can't believe it! I mean… I literally can't believe it. How is this even possible?!
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Don't worry, bro. None of this is canon. ''[pulls a real cannon out of Belly Bag]'' But this is! ''[launches his head like a cannonball with smoke trails spelling &quot;APRIL FOOLS&quot; and crashes into a ship with Lars and Sadie on it]''
:'''Lars''': Oh, no!! Our ship!!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': Steven!
:'''Pearl''': What's going on?! Who is this… stranger?
:'''Steven''': He's not a stranger, he's Uncle Grandpa!
:''[Uncle Grandpa honks his nose]''
:'''Amethyst''': &quot;Uncle… Grandpa&quot;?
:'''Pearl''': So that would make him Greg's brother… ''and'' father?
:'''Garnet''': That would explain a lot.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Pizza Steve''': Oh hey, it's just me, Pizza Steve—just the coolest and tastiest Steve who ever lived.
:'''Steven''': Hi, Pizza Steve! I'm a Steve too! Steven Universe.
:'''Pizza Steve''': ''Stee''-ven Universe... ''[pops out on top of Steven's hair]'' Come on, Uncle G. I've got two rules—no more than 40 or 50 vans, and only '''ONE''' Steve allowed!
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yeah, but this Steven is special.
:'''Mr. Gus''': Yeah. He's a Crystal Gem.
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Good mornin', Mr. Gus.
:'''Mr. Gus''': What's up, Uncle Grandpa?
:'''Steven''': Whoa, Mr. Gus! How do you know about me?
:'''Mr. Gus''': I have a comprehensive knowledge of all magical denizens of the multiverse. I know ''ALL'' about the Crystal Gems. Come on, man, check this out. I even made my own Gemsona. ''[shows art of &quot;Mr. Gusite&quot;]'' My gem is on my tail, and my weapon is a fryin' pan.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[The Gems run frantically across the plot hole many times, stop for a breather]''
:'''Garnet''': There's got to be some way out of here.
:'''Pearl''': ''[extremely panicked]'' WE'LL NEVER ESCAPE!! ''THIS'' IS OUR NEW ''HOME!!''
:'''Garnet''': Pearl, you're overreacting.
:'''Pearl''': &lt;big&gt;'''I'M NOT OVERREACTING!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Pearl runs around screaming until she crashes into Amethyst]''
:'''Amethyst''': Hey, where's Steven? ''[Pizza Steve walks in dressed like Steven]'' 
:'''Pizza Steve''': Lookin' for me, Pizza Steven Universe?  ''[Pearl gasps, cowers behind Garnet]''
:'''Pearl''': That's not my baby!
:'''Amethyst''': Ah, nice! ''[eyes on Pizza Steve]''
:'''Pizza Steve''': Whoa, hold on!
:'''Amethyst''': ''Pizzaaaaaa!!'' ''[chases Pizza Steve offscreen]''
:'''Pizza Steve''': Don't eat Pizza Steve! ''[munching noises]''
:''[Amethyst walks back on, putting on Pizza Steve's sunglasses from out of her mouth]''
:'''Garnet''': Okay, I'm ready for this episode to end.
:''[She stomps, causing the plot hole to crack and shatter, leaving them back at the beach]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[after finally summoning his shield; to Uncle Grandpa]'' I did it, Uncle Grandpa! I really did it!
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yay.
:'''Pearl''': Protecting HIM activated Steven's powers?!
:'''Garnet''': He must really care about this stranger.
:'''Amethyst''': I hope he didn't care about that pizza.
:'''Steven''': Listen! It was a big, weird surprise when Uncle Grandpa showed up here today. We've never met anyone like Uncle Grandpa, but you can't just attack people you don't understand. You have to stick up for them, and listen to what they have to say. You guys always do that for me.
:'''Pearl''': ''[blushing with tears in her eyes, feeling guilty and sorry]'' Steven, you're right. ''[cries]'' HOW CAN I BE SO BLIND?! I'M SORRY!
:'''Amethyst''': I also apologize for Pearl.
:'''Garnet''': Thank you, you taught us a valuable lesson, Uncle Grandpa.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Boy, that sure makes my eyes hurt. Now let's see here... ''[grabs a checklist revealing several other Cartoon Network protagonists]'' Dexter, Dee-dee, Blossom, Bubbles, Buttercup, Ed, Edd, Eddy, Billy, Mandy, Mac, Juniper Lee, Swat Kats, Flapjack, Finn, Oh! Steven! ''[checks off Steven's name]'' Now who's next? ''[Clarence's name is shown at the bottom of the list]''

=== ''Story for Steven'' ===
=== ''Shirt Club '' ===
:''[Steven rushes to the Beach House]''
:'''Steven''': Garnet! Amethyst! Pearl!
:'''Garnet''': Steven!
:'''Pearl''': What is it?!
:'''Amethyst''': Whoa, where's the fire?
:'''Steven''': It's an emergency! You have to help me take down all the shirts and stop Buck from making more! 
:'''Pearl''': Have the shirts come to life and and possessed the bodies of their wearers?!
:'''Steven''': Uh, no! They just—
:'''Amethyst''': Are people catching on fire when they put on the magic shirts?
:'''Steven''': No! No, they're just—
:'''Pearl''': Are the shirts destroying the wearer's will to continue on in this mortal coil, thereby shutting down Beach City!?!
:'''Steven''': ''NOOOOO''!!! They're— they're just... using my art in a way I don't agree with.
:'''Pearl''': Oh. ''[all Gems sit down]''
:'''Garnet''': Ah, we'll pass.
:'''Steven''': What?! But— but I really need your help!
:'''Pearl''': Steven, this sounds like a very abstract problem.
:'''Amethyst''': It's not something we can ''punch''!
:'''Garnet''': You must learn to help yourself. That's how you become stronger. ''[shades sparkle]''
:'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Good point, good point. / Oh, absolutely.
:'''Steven''': But..!
:'''Amethyst''': You figure something ''out'', Steven!
:'''Pearl''': Yes! Why not dust off those conflict resolution skills?
:'''Garnet''': Let your problem be known, then you can work towards an understanding.
:'''Steven''': Oh... I'll make them understand. I'll make them all understand... ''[leaves]''
:'''Amethyst''': Eh, he'll be fine.

=== ''Love Letters'' ===
:''[Steven and Connie meet Jamie sitting on a log in the beach]''
:'''Steven''': Jamie!
:'''Jamie''': Oh, hey, Connie and Steven. You guys come out here to stare at the ocean and think about life too?
:'''Connie''': Uhh, no...? We came to, uh—
:'''Jamie''': Yeah, life is crazy. One day, you're right here in Beach City delivering mail and then the next thing you know... you're on a bus to Kansas, following your dreams of becoming an actor. &quot;Follow your dreams,&quot; they said. But no one said anything about all the rejection and sadness there was to be found. So many auditions day after day... So much rejection day after day... That's why I came back. ''[two seagulls crash into each other and fall into the sea]'' One more rejection would have destroyed my fragile heart. ''[sobs, chuckles]'' Sorry... sometimes I get caught up in the drama zone, you know?
:'''Steven''': Yeah, right... Drama zone.
:'''Connie''': Oh, by the way, we have something for yo—
:'''Steven''': No, we don't!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Garnet''': I didn't mean to upset you.
:'''Jamie''': Then will you go out with me?
:'''Garnet''': No!
:'''Jamie''': But I've loved you since the moment I saw you.
:'''Garnet''': Love at first sight doesn't exist. Love takes time and love takes work. At the very least, you have to know the other person. And you literally have no idea who or what I am. ''[shades glimmer]''
:'''Jamie''': But I bloom for you like— like a... camellia... under moonlight?
:'''Garnet''': No, you don't! ''[long beat]'' You make a very convincing lovesick fool. You convinced these children. ''[adjusts her shades]'' You even convinced yourself. ''[smiling]'' You're a fantastic actor.
:'''Jamie''': ''[beat]'' ..What am I supposed to do now?
:'''Garnet''': Start with local theater. ''[slaps Jamie's back, then walks away. Connie and Steven walk closer to him]''
:'''Connie''': Are you okay?
:'''Jamie''': Yeah. That was some pretty solid advice.
:'''Steven''': Were those more letters you wrote to Garnet?
:'''Jamie''': No. That was the mail I was supposed to deliver on my last route.
:'''Steven''': ''[beat]'' We'll help you pick it all up.
:'''Jamie''': Thanks.

=== ''Reformed'' ===
:'''Garnet''': This is not a good choice for your form.
:'''Amethyst''': Lighten up, Garnet. Can't you take a joke?
:'''Garnet''': It's not funny. You've made yourself ridiculous.
:'''Amethyst''': &lt;big&gt;'''''RIDICULOUS?!?!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Keep your voice down! The creature...
:'''Amethyst''': Hrrr... You wanted me to be more like Pearl, and now I am!!
:'''Garnet''': ''[low voice]'' Pearl would've taken her regeneration seriously!
:'''Amethyst''': WHAT DO YOU CARE!?! MY FORM IS '''''MY'' BUSINESS!!'''
:'''Garnet''': It's my business when it affects the strength of the team!!
:'''Amethyst''': ..So what?! I'm not strong enough?! ''[gets dragged by the Slinker]''
:'''Steven''': Amethyst!
:'''Amethyst''': '''ARE YOU SAYING... &lt;big&gt;I'M ''WEAK''&lt;/big&gt;?!?!''' ''[poofs again; Steven catches her gemstone]''
:'''Steven''': Is it weird I'm getting numbed to this?

=== ''[[w:Sworn to the Sword|Sworn to the Sword]]'' ===
:'''Connie''': ''[fights off seagulls with her violin bow]'' Run back to your masters! Tell them we're not afraid of your kind!
:'''Steven''': ''[chuckles]'' Thanks for saving my jam snack. Unfortunately, it's not safe from me. ''[munches it]'' You're such a good sword fighter, Connie.
:'''Connie''': Really? I was just swinging this thing around. I don't really know what I'm doing, but I'd love to learn how to use a real sword!
:'''Steven''': Oh! ''[gulps snack; starry eyes]'' Steven has an idea!
:''[back at the Beach House]''
:'''Pearl''': You want me to do ''what''?!
:'''Steven''': You should teach Connie to sword fight, she's already so good!
:'''Connie''': Steven!
:'''Steven''': But you are! Y-You helped me fight the robot floaty-thing, she took down that evil clone of herself, uh... those mean seagulls just now?
:'''Pearl''': You're awfully young to begin something like this. But I suppose I was only a few thousand years old when I began fighting alongside Rose Quartz. ''[Connie raises her hand]'' Yes, Connie?
:'''Connie''': Please! I want to learn! I mean, I don't know what'll happen in the future. But if something dangerous comes along... I don't wanna be a burden, I wanna help! I want to be there for Steven to fight by his side! The Earth is my home too. Can't I help protect it? ''[Pearl starts watering tears of joy]''
:'''Pearl''': Oh... okay... If that's how you feel... we should get started!
:'''Steven''': Woo-hoo! ''[runs after her laughing]''
:'''Connie''': Wait, now?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Pearl''': All right, everything begins with your stance. Remember:
:''[singing] You do it for him, and you would do it again''
:''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.''

:''Keep your stance wide, keep your body lowered''
:''As you're moving forward, balance is the key''
:''Right foot, left foot, now go even faster''
:''And as you're moving backwards, keep your eyes on me.''

:'''Connie''': ''Keep my stance wide'' (&quot;Good.&quot;)
:''Keep my body lowered'' (&quot;Right.&quot;)
:''As I'm moving forward''
:'''Pearl''': ''Concentrate! Don't you want him to live?!''

:'''Connie''': ''Right foot, left foot''
:'''Pearl''': ''Yes, but put your whole body into it!''
:''Everything you have, everything you are''
:''You've got to give.''

:''On the battlefield, when everything is chaos''
:''And you have nothing but the way you feel, your strategy and a sword''
:''You just think about the life you'll have together after the war''
:''And then you do it for her, that's how you know you can win''
:''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.''
&lt;hr width=25%&gt;
:''Deep down, you know you weren't built for fighting''
:''But that doesn't mean you're not prepared to try''
:''What they don't know is your real advantage''
:''When you live for someone, you're prepared to die.''

:'''Connie''': ''Deep down, I know that I'm just a human'' (&quot;True.&quot;)
:'''Both''': ''But I/you know that I/you can draw my/your sword and fight''
:'''Connie''': ''With my short existence,'' (&quot;Good.&quot;) ''I can make a difference'' (&quot;Yes, excellent!&quot;)
:''I can be there for him, I can be his knight.''

:'''Connie''': ''I can do it for him''
:'''Both''': ''You'd do it for her''
:'''Pearl''': ''Okay, now do that again'' (&quot;Yes, ma'am.&quot;)
:''You do it for her, and now you say''
:'''Connie''': ''I'll do it for him.''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': ''[belly laughs]'' Wow, Garnet! That is the funniest thing I've ever heard!
:'''Garnet''': Garnet, master of comedy.
:'''Amethyst''': Hehehe... Yo, Steven. ''[pretend-yells]'' '''WHY ARE YOU STANDING THERE ALL SAD LIKE THAT?!?!'''
:'''Steven''': W-well... Connie is taking sword fighting lessons from Pearl, but I think it's getting a little too serious. She wants Connie to do all this dangerous stuff for me.
:'''Garnet''': That makes sense.
:'''Steven''': What do you mean?
:'''Garnet''': Back during the war, Pearl took pride in risking her destruction for your mother. She put Rose Quartz over everything — over logic, over consequence, over her own life.
:''[Pearl and Rose switch to Connie and Steven, respectively. She charges at the enemy before cutting to Steven's horrified face]''
:'''Amethyst''': You okay, dude?
:'''Steven''': I have to do something!! Thanks for telling me that, bye!!

=== ''Rising Tides, Crashing Skies'' ===
:'''RonaIdo''': I am now going to attempt to make contact with the mysterious, reclusive, ''[Steven comes out]'' and—ahh!
:'''Steven''': Hi, Ronaldo! Uh, hi, Peedee. Is that a camera? 
:'''Peedee''': Yeah. We're making a movie about— 
:'''RonaIdo''': It's an investigative report, shot ''[[w:cinéma vérité|camera vérité]]''.
:'''Steven''': Cool! 
:'''RonaIdo''': So... you wanna participate in a groundbreaking interview? 
:'''Steven''': Hmm. Only if ''you'' participate in a glass of fresh-squeezed lemonade! ''[walks back inside]''
:''[cue Ronaldo and Steven in the Beach House]''
:'''Steven''': Ohh, that giant hand? It was a spaceship coming to get us.
:'''RonaIdo''': Us?! I knew it! Steven, we know too much! 
:'''Steven''': No, not &quot;us&quot; us. I-I meant me and the Crystal Gems.
:'''RonaIdo''': Wait. So the hand wasn't here to snatch up humans for a human zoo? Or interfere with our subsidized Beach City wind farm?! Or thaw the cryogenically frozen pets of the one percent!?! 
:'''Steven''': Uh... no, I'm pretty sure it came to Beach City for me and the Crystal Gems.
:'''RonaIdo''': Oh. So, if you and the Crystal Gems weren't here, we wouldn't have been attacked by the giant hand?
:'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! Definitely not.

=== ''Keeping It Together'' ===
:'''Pearl''': Garnet, you don't think Peridot would come looking for us, do you?
:'''Garnet''': We weren't her priority. She was sent here to do something in the Kindergarten.
:'''Pearl''': Do you think she's still going to try to reactivate it?
:'''Garnet''': Mm. If she gets it back up and running, the Injectors will turn back on.
:'''Steven''': Injectors? What're those?
:'''Pearl''': You've already seen them. ''[projects hologram from her gemstone]'' Well, you've seen them disabled. If Peridot reactivates them, they'll pick right up where they left off, planting gems in the crust of the Earth, where they'll incubate and suck the life right out of the ground. We can't let Peridot restart Gem production here. If we do... ''[sighs]'' the entire planet will become…
:'''Garnet''': Janked.
:'''Amethyst''': Garnet! ''[laughs]'' That mouth! ''[sniggers]''
:'''Garnet''': Don't worry. We'll stop her.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': We did it! Garnet?
:'''Garnet/Ruby'''! So ''this'' is what Homeworld thinks of fusion!
:'''Garnet/Sapphire''': We couldn't have known they would do this.
:'''Garnet/Ruby''': ''This'' is where they've been…all the ones we couldn't find… they've been here the whole time!
:'''Garnet/Sapphire''': Rose couldn't have known.
:'''Garnet/Ruby''': This is punishment for the rebellion!
:'''Garnet/Sapphire''': ''[breaking down]'' It's not our fault!
:'''Steven''': Garnet!
:'''Garnet''': S-Steven.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[sliding down with Pearl]'' Yo! We're back.
:'''Pearl''': Garnet, we lost Peridot. Her fingers were too fast for us. ''[two fused hands climb up on Amethyst and grabs them]'' Um… what are these things?
:'''Garnet''': PUT THEM DOWN!
:'''Steven''': Uh!
:'''Pearl''': Wha...? ''[throws the hands away]''
:'''Garnet''': We need to poof and bubble all of them. We can't let any escape. ''[She poofs the hands as the screen turns black]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Garnet''': What Homeworld did… taking the shattered parts of fallen Gems and combining them—those Gems weren't asked permission. Fusion is a choice. Those Gems weren't given a choice. It isn't right. It isn't fusion!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Steven looks at Garnet as he takes the clothes out the dryer into the basket]''
:'''Steven''': What's it like... being a fusion?
:'''Garnet''': You fused.
:'''Steven''': I mean, like, all the time. Do you forget who you used to be?
:'''Garnet''': You forget you were ever alone. You know when you fuse, you don't feel like two people. You feel like one being. And your old names might as well be names for your left arm, and your right.
:'''Steven''': When you split up, is it like you disappear?
:'''Garnet''': I embody my— I mean, Ruby and Sapphire's love. I always exist in them, even if I split apart. But the strength of that love keeps me together, so I can stay Garnet for a very long time.
:'''Steven''': That's why you're so great!
:'''Garnet''': ''[smiles]'' Ha. ''[Steven starts laughing, with a light blue colored sock being blown away]''
:'''Steven''': Oh, no! ''[Garnet catches it]''
:'''Garnet''': Don't wanna break up a pair.
:'''Steven''': ''[holds peach colored sock]'' Yeah, you're right. ''[Garnet folds socks into basket]'' They belong together.

=== ''We Need to Talk'' ===
:''[Greg re-watches Pearl and Rose's fusion dance, practices and falls down]''
:'''Greg''': Ah, geez! How'd she get her legs to do that? ''[groans]''
:'''Amethyst''': Hey! ''[looks at face-to-face with Garnet]'' Are you dead?
:'''Greg''': Wha? Uh, no, no. I'm alive.
:'''Amethyst''': Whoa, cool! ''[jumps over Greg, runs to the TV]'' It's us from before!
:'''Greg''': Yeah, I was just... trying to get my head around this fusion dance.
:'''Amethyst''': A fusion dance ain't about your head! ''[laughs out loud]''
:'''Greg''': Wait... you guys are Gems. You gotta help me out here. I need to be able to fuse with Rose!
:'''Garnet''': First, you need a gem at the core of your being. Then you need a body that can turn into light. Then you need the partner who you trust with that light.
:'''Greg''': Metaphorically?
:'''Garnet''': Literally.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[whispers]'' Shh! Come on! I still wanna see him try!
:'''Greg''': Ugh, so it's true. I really can't do it. ''[touches his face]'' I'm kidding myself with this! I'm never gonna be a Gem... ''[Garnet looks down and picks up a twig]''
:'''Garnet''': Amethyst... give us some privacy! ''[throws it far away]''
:'''Amethyst''': YEAH!! ''[scampers after it]''
:'''Garnet''': Let me tell you something, Mr. Universe. I think you can do it, but it won't work if you dance like Pearl. You have to dance like you. You have to fuse ''your'' way. Get open. Get honest. Invent yourselves together. ''[lowers her shades and winks left of her three eyes]'' That's fusion.
:'''Greg''': EYE—think I get it.

=== ''Chille Tid'' ===
:'''Steven''': &quot;Sleep is a curse, and yet a curse I need to live&quot;—Steven Universe.
----
:'''Garnet''': Let me show you how it's done. ''(She falls over, stiff as a board)''
:'''Pearl''': That's pretty convincing.
----
:'''Steven''': Lapis!
:'''Lapiz Lazuli''': No. I'm ''not'' Lapis anymore. We're Malachite now.

=== ''[[w:Cry for Help (Steven Universe)|Cry for Help]]'' ===
:'''Garnet''': It's as I feared.
:''[The Communication Hub is glowing and shooting a beam of light towards the sky]''
:'''Pearl''': It looks like Peridot somehow repaired the Communication Hub. Well, at least some of it.
:'''Steven''': So... we just gotta wreck it up again, right? (''to Amethyst'') You guys should form Sugilite!
:'''Amethyst''': (''smiling a bit'') Yeah... Well, it's up to Garnet, I guess. (''smiling widely, to Garnet'') What do you say? ''[Pearl looks scared in the background]'' Shall we mash it up?...
:'''Garnet''': No.
:'''Amethyst''': But, don't we need to be huge like last time?
:'''Garnet''': Last time was a disaster. Last time we fused, Sugilite went berserk. It's because of her that we can't even warp here anymore. (''takes off her visor'') I can be brash, you can be reckless. And we can both get carried away. So, for the time being, ''[She puts her visor back on and Amethyst's reflection can be seen in them]'' Sugilite is benched. What we need now is to be careful. ''[Steven gasps]'' It's you and me, Pearl. Let's fuse. ''[Pearl looks astonished as she begins to tear up]'' Don't cry, Pearl. ''[Pearl tries to not cry and quivers as she strongly breathes in through her nose, sniffling thickly]'' Come on, let's do this.
:'''Pearl''': I'm right behind you. (''sniffling'')
:'''Steven''': (''running towards them'') Woo-hoo! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! *sits to the left of Lion* (''Amethyst walks over'')
:'''Garnet''': (''gemstones glow'') Ready.
:'''Pearl''': (''grunts; stretches'') Hang on, it's been such a long time.
----
:'''Sardonyx''': Gooooood evening, everybody! (''struts over to Lion, Steven, and Amethyst and does a twirl'') This is the lovely Sardonyx! Coming to you ''a-live'' from the soon-to-be-former Communication Hub! How are y'all doin' tonight?
:'''Amethyst''': (''sarcastically'')  Great...
:'''Steven''': (''gasps'') Giant woman!
----
:'''Amethyst''': ''Maybe you're better off with her / I think she's better for you / I forgot how great it felt to be us / Guess I got carried away. / I had to use you to make me feel strong / But I don't care about that now / I see a tower built out of my mistakes / And it all comes crashing down. / Is there something I can doo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo / Can I make it up to you?''
----
:'''Amethyst''': Stop!
:'''Pearl''': Is something the matter, Amethyst?
:'''Amethyst''': You... you shouldn't.
:'''Steven''': Pearl, we saw you.
:'''Pearl''': (''shocked'') What?
:'''Steven''': You need to tell Garnet it was you!
:'''Garnet''': I don't understand.
:'''Pearl''': I'm sorry. It's just... so much fun being Sardonyx with you.
:'''Garnet''': ''[drops Pearl to the ground]'' ''That's'' why I couldn't see us finding Peridot.
:'''Pearl''': Wait, let me explain!
:'''Garnet''': You've been fixing the hub!
:'''Pearl''': It really was Peridot! The first time.
:'''Garnet''': You ''tricked'' me!
:'''Pearl''': No! No, no, no, no! We just needed a reason to fuse! I just wanted to share a few more victories with you!
:'''Garnet''': Those weren't ''victories''!
:'''Amethyst''': Wait, Garnet! You know, we're so much weaker than you! Fusing with you is like our one chance to feel... ''stronger''!
:'''Garnet''': Don't defend her! Peridot is out there somewhere and Pearl's been distracting us with... ''nothing''!
:'''Pearl''': Garnet...
:'''Garnet''': ''[angrily points at her]'' That's enough! ''[to Amethyst]'' Amethyst, fuse with me!
:'''Amethyst''': But-!
:'''Garnet''': (''clenching her fist'') Let's just get this over with.

=== ''Keystone Motel'' ===
:'''Steven''': Pearl! Where have you been?!
:'''Pearl''': Looking for Peridot… For a few days straight. Steven, I know I might have… disappointed all of you. I know Garnet's very upset with me. But I'm going to prove to her that she can trust me again. ''[Garnet walks in through the front door]'' Oh! Garnet! I was just looking for Peridot! She's bound to be somewhere, right? Any new ideas? ''[Garnet says nothing and walks past her]'' I'm sorry
----
:'''Garnet''': ''[agitated, panting]'' Calm down... I don't feel like forgiving Pearl!... You don't understand, you must... If you're not going to listen, then you can just GO! ''[splits into Ruby and Sapphire]''
:'''Sapphire''': ''[calmly]'' We must move past this, Ruby.
:'''Ruby''': ''[furiously]'' She ''lied'' to us so we'd form Sardonyx! She ''tricked'' us! Don't you feel used?!
:'''Sapphire''': You're choosing to take it personally.
:'''Ruby''': IT'S ''FUSION'', SAPPHIRE! WHAT'S MORE PERSONAL TO US THAN ''FUSION?!''
:'''Sapphire''': I know you're still upset...
:'''Ruby''': Oh, so it's just me?!
:'''Sapphire''': Of course not. Can't you see I'm completely engulfed with rage?
:'''Ruby''': Well, it doesn't feel like it!
:'''Sapphire''': The sooner we forgive Pearl, the better it will be for us all.
:'''Ruby''': YOU'RE NOT AS ABOVE THIS AS YOU THINK YOU ARE! 
----
:'''Sapphire''': ''[about Ruby, while she shakes the table]'' This will pass. She'll eventually just burn herself out.
:'''Ruby''':  ''[angrily]'' THAT'S WHAT ''YOU'' THINK! '''I AM AN ETERNAL FLAME, BABY!''' ''[flips the table]''
:''[while Greg talks to Steven, arguing with each other simultaneously]''
:'''Ruby''': You don't know me!
:'''Sapphire''': How could I possibly not know you? We always fuse! We always fuse, what are you even going on about fusion?
:'''Ruby''': Look at you! ''[laughing]'' You don't even know yourself! Ha! 
:'''Sapphire''': So don't act so ridiculous. 
:'''Ruby''': ''I'm'' ridiculous?!
:'''Sapphire''': Yes, yes.
----
:'''Steven''': I was so happy when Garnet said she wanted to go on this trip with me and Dad! Home's been awful! Here's been awful! I thought you wanted to have a fun time, but everyone's been acting awful too! It... it just came with us! I don't understand! Is it... is it me?
:'''Ruby''': ...No! Steven, it's all us!
:'''Sapphire''': But we made him feel like it was his fault... I keep looking into the future, when all of this has already been solved, as if it doesn't matter how you feel in the present! ''[starting to cry]'' No wonder you think I don't care...!
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire... No, nonononono! This is all my fault, I... I didn't want to look for a solution, I... I just wanted to be mad! You're right! You're always right! I was being stupid!
:'''Sapphire''': I don't think you're stupid!
:'''Ruby''': I'm... sorry. ''[gently brushes Sapphire's hair aside, revealing her sad eye]''
:'''Sapphire''': You honestly think I'm not upset about what happened? I was just... trying to do the right thing.
:'''Ruby''': I know... ''[starts smiling]'' You know what's nice about being split up?
:'''Sapphire''': What?
:'''Ruby''': I get to look at you...
:'''Sapphire''': ''[pushes her off, laughing]'' Be serious!
:'''Ruby''': ''[hugs Sapphire]'' There's my Laughy Sapphy!
:'''Sapphire''': Shh! You're embarrassing me in front of Steven! ''[cut to Steven, feeling awkward at the scene]''

=== ''Historical Friction'' ===
:'''Steven''': Hey, Pearl! ''[sees a desolate Pearl sitting on the couch, looking at the ceiling]'' Pearl?
:'''Pearl''': ''[jumps up]'' Steven! You're back!
:'''Steven''': Yeah... ''[sits down]'' Show business is rough.
:'''Pearl''': Is there something I can help you with?
:'''Steven''': Not unless you can make William Dewey interesting.
:'''Pearl''': How do ''you'' know William Dewey?
:'''Steven''': I'm gonna be him in this play! But he's totally boring! He's perfect and he never makes mistakes.
:'''Pearl''': ''[sigh]'' Wish I could say the same for myself.
:'''Steven''': Yeah, but nobody's like that! Everybody gets stuff wrong, and then you have to keep going and it's hard, which is why it's great when you never stop trying!
:'''Pearl''': ..When did you get so smart?

=== ''Friend Ship'' ===
:''[Steven and the Gems enter a room in the ship. Peridot appears on a projected screen]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' You Gems really are as dull as dirt!
:'''Pearl''': You're the dull one if you thing you can fly this wreck!
:'''Peridot''': ''[pauses]'' What? Can you speak louder? Some of these communicators are gunked up.
:'''Steven''': ''[cleans off a microphone, speaks into it]'' Pearl says ''you're'' the dull one if you think you can fly this wreck!
:'''Peridot''': ''[waits for Steven's response to come through] [laughs]'' Fly? I'm not using this vessel to fly. I'm using it to '''''TRAP YOU!''''' ''[a door closes, trapping Steven and the Gems in the room]'' Isn't this nice? No more Crystal Gems running around, messing with my plans, destroying my things. Looks like I've got you just where I want you. How does it feel to be so easily outsmarted, you '''''CLODS?!'''''
:'''Pearl''': No...
:'''Amethyst''': ''[speaks into the microphone]'' Hey, uh, this is Amethyst. I don't appreciate being called a clod, you clo-
:'''Peridot''': Enough talk! Prepare yourselves for annihilation! ''[dramatically hits a button]'' Hiyah! ''[nothing happens, hits it again]'' Hiyah!
:''[the room's laser cannons activate and take aim at Steven and the Gems]''
:'''Peridot''': It works! Yes! '''''DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIIIIE!'''''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Pearl, stop. That isn't helping.
:'''Pearl''': I have to do something. I can't believe I walked us right into Peridot's trap. This is all my… ''[Peridot's hologram disappears as the ground starts to shake]'' fault?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': ''[thru screen]'' Garnet… I'm sorry!
:'''Amethyst''': Wait a sec!
:'''Pearl''': Things weren't supposed to turn out this way... ''[inside, Garnet punches the wall again]''
:'''Garnet''': We'll get outta here somehow.
:'''Pearl''': ''[sighs]'' That's not what I mean! I really wanted to catch Peridot to make up for what I did... ''[Garnet withdraws her gauntlets]'' I wanted to prove to you that... that everything could go back to normal...
:'''Garnet''': Catching Peridot won't make things go back to normal. ''[thru screen]'' This isn't about Peridot.
:'''Amethyst''': Hey... they're actually talking!
:'''Steven''': Now they can finally work things out!
:''[soon, the gears start to activate and turn and start closing into the trapped two]''
:'''Amethyst''': Not if they get crushed!
:''[both Garnet and Pearl push their unflinching sides]''
:'''Pearl''': Please! Tell me! How can I make you forgive me?!
:'''Garnet''': You can't! You lied to me! You need to learn that there are consequences to your actions!
:'''Pearl''': I'm sorry! I... I couldn't help myself!
:'''Garnet''': ''[kicks opposite side of wall next to Pearl]'' I don't want to hear your excuses!
:'''Pearl''': But it's true! No matter how hard I try to be strong like you, I'm just a Pearl. I'm useless on my own. ''[cries]'' I need someone to tell me what to do.
:''[the walls suddenly stop moving; Both Amethyst and Steven pull her whip on its gears in its place. Garnet and Pearl pause for a beat]''
:'''Pearl''': When we fuse, I can feel what it's like to be you. Confident and secure, and complete. You're perfect. You're the perfect relationship. You're always together, I just... I wanted to be a part of that.
:'''Garnet''': You're wrong! I'm not as strong as you think. I fell apart over this. Ruby and Sapphire were in turmoil over how you deceived me. ''[thru screen]'' I came undone.
:'''Amethyst''': Whoa, that really happened?
:'''Steven''': ''[nods]'' Hm.
:'''Garnet''': It's not easy being in control. I have weaknesses too, but I choose not to let them consume me. I struggle to stay strong because I know the impact I have on everyone. Please understand, Pearl. ''[thru screen]'' You have an impact too. ''[inside]'' There are times when I look up to you for strength. You are your ''own'' gem. You control your destiny. Not me, not Rose, not Steven. But you must choose to be strong, so we can move forward. So I can trust you again.
:'''Pearl''': I understand. I can't give up anymore!
:'''Garnet''': Good.

=== ''Nightmare Hospital'' ===
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': ''[sighs]'' I had a rough day at work and I'm not in the mood for any more surprises.
:'''Connie''': Whatsyjf happened at work?
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': There was a really strange case at the hospital today, straight out of a ''nightmare''. ''[beat]'' Oh, don't worry, the rules of doctor-patient confidentiality keep me from sharing the graphic details, but... Hang on a moment. When did we get a coat rack?
:'''Connie''': Oh, no...
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': A ''SWORD''?! Connie, where did you get this?!
:'''Steven''': I-it's—
:'''Connie''': I found it! I just... found it outside and I wanted to show it to Steven.
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': How could you possibly think this is okay?!
:'''Connie''': It's—
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Do you know how many children I see everyday in the hospital who've cut their faces off playing with swords?!
:'''Connie''': I—
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': NONE!! Because they all have parents who love them, and who don't let them play around with deadly weapons like some kind of gang member! No playing with swords, under any circumstances! ''[her cell phone rings, answers it]'' This is Dr. Maheswaran. Yes, calm down, Stromberg. Another one?
:'''Steven''': ''[to Connie]'' Is she gonna give it back? 
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': All right, I'll-I'll be right there. ''[zips sword in duffle bag]'' I have to go to the hospital. I'll have a talk with your father to calculate just how grounded you are. ''[leaves, comes back]'' And we're using the abacus! ''[leaves again]''
:'''Connie''': I ''hate'' that abacus. Steven, I'm so sorry. She took your mother's sword!
:'''Steven''': Maybe we can get her to change her mind?
:'''Connie''': She never ''ever'' changes her mind. We've got to get that sword back ourselves.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Connie''': Mom... I'm really sorry about lying to you. It started off as a tiny secret, and then I felt like if I didn't hide it, you wouldn't let me see Steven ever again.
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Is that how you feel? Are we too controlling?
:'''Connie''': ..Maybe.
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I just wanted to be a good mother. I... I just wanted to protect you.
:'''Connie''': I can protect myself now! ''[Dr. Maheswaran pauses for a long beat, sighs]''
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Okay. ''[Connie winces]'' We'll... pull back on the rules, and I'll try to keep an open mind about ''[Connie's lenses]'' this, and ''[Lion]'' that, and... him. ''[Steven stays frightened]'' It scares me that you can't talk to me. I need to know what's happening in your life. I... I need to step in when you're in over your head. Would you just promise me you'll stop all this lying?
:'''Connie''': ''[beat]'' That's a rule. ''[they embrace each other]''
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I love you, honey.
:'''Connie''': I love you too, Mom.

=== ''Sadie's Song'' ===
:'''Sadie''': Please, Mom. Don't make me do this.
:'''Barb''': Make you? You said you wanted to sing.
:'''Sadie''': Yeah! I did! I did! I did, I did. Just like I say lots of things like, &quot;Hey, Mom. Swimming looks fun&quot;, then bam! Suddenly, I'm anchoring a 400 meter relay for the Beach City Seals. &quot;Hey, Mom. I thought signing up for softball would be nice.&quot; 6 birthdays later, I'm still getting nothing but kneepads and batting helmets. &quot;Hey, Mom. I wanna sing at this year's Beachapalooza&quot;, and what do I get? THIS! I just thought, for once, I get to do things my way, but you came in and took over everything like you always do.
:'''Barb''': I just wanted everyone to know how talented my daughter is.
:'''Sadie''': THIS is not your daughter.
:'''Barb''': ''[stunned]'' I'm sorry.

=== ''Catch and Release'' ===
:'''Steven''': ''[getting padded by Peridot]'' Why are you acting like this?!
:'''Peridot''': You smashed me into a limbless cloud, you trapped me in your bubble dungeon, and you called me... ''cute''! ''[Steven evades her punch, face-flat on the floor]''
:'''Steven''': I didn't poof you! I freed you! ''[Peridot turns back]''
:'''Peridot''': Why would you make such a miscalculation?
:'''Steven''': Back at the warp pad, what were you trying to say? Why do we need you? What do you know?
:'''Peridot''': What do I know? Everything there is to know about the Cluster, you pebble!
:'''Steven''': Cluster? Wait, pebble?
:'''Peridot''': My mission. The reason why I'm on this sad rock in the first place! I was to check progress on the Cluster! Just in and out, before it hatches. I wasn't supposed to get stuck here! But now it's going to emerge and nothing can stop it, and we'll all be shattered!!
:'''Steven''': Okay, okay, wait, slow down. Now, from the top—emerging, hatching, Clusters?
:'''Peridot''': You wanna know?
:'''Steven''': Yes.
:'''Peridot''': You ''really'' wanna know?
:'''Steven''': Yes?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[in bathroom]'' Hmm... Seems I've discovered some sort of archaic... think chamber. Roomy, with a fresh hint of Earth citrus. ''[lifts toilet seat]'' A perfect crossroads for my escape.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[fiddling the bathroom doorknob]'' It's locked.
:'''Garnet''': Peridot, open the door! ''[flushing sounds are heard]''
:'''Amethyst''': Uh, if you're trying to flush yourself down the toilet, it ''won't'' work. ''[cut to Peridot spinning inside the toilet bowl]'' Trust me, I've tried.
:'''Pearl''': How did she get out?! We bubbled her!
:'''Amethyst''': Maybe we needed a bigger bubble.
:'''Garnet''': My bubbles are fine.
:'''Steven''': ''[sweating nervously]'' I did it.
:'''Pearl''': ''[shocked]'' Steven, why would you do such a thing?!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': I'm tired of playing these games. If we can't fight her, fine. We'll talk. Peridot!
:'''Peridot''': ''[slips off the sink]'' Whoa!
:'''Garnet''': All right, no more fighting. Let's just have a civil conversation.
:'''Peridot''': As if I'd negotiate with you, filthy war machine!
:'''Garnet''': ''[summons gauntlets]'' Okay, let's kick her butt.
:'''Steven''': Wait!
:'''Peridot''': Yeah! Destroy me again! ''[hangs on bath curtain pole with a plunger]'' And have fun trying to talk to me when I'm in a ''bubble''! ''[almost slips off]''
:'''Pearl''': I really hate to say it, but unfortunately if she has information, she's more valuable to us like… this.
:'''Garnet''': This is going to be tricky. ''[hear knobs turning, water splashing]''
:'''Peridot''': H-h-hot hot hot!!
:'''Steven''': You have to turn the knob the other way for cold! ''[later in the kitchen with the Gems]'' Wait, so we're just gonna let her live in my bathroom?
:'''Pearl''': Well, yes. What other option do we have? Keep her outside on a leash?

=== ''When It Rains'' ===
:'''Garnet''': ''[banging on the bathroom door]'' Open the door, Peridot! If this &quot;Cluster&quot; is putting us in danger, you need to tell us what it is so we can stop it!
:'''Peridot''': No! I hate you! I'm not telling you anything about the Cluster!
:'''Amethyst''': Oh, come on. Is it like a big, hunk of granola?
:'''Peridot''': What's granola? 
:'''Pearl''': I'm sure it's not granola. Now, Peridot, I'm sure we can reach some sort of agreement. Perhaps a trade is in order?
:'''Peridot''': Oh, sure. Why don't you just give me back my leg enhancements and my arm attachments with my screen and my log and all my information. Oh, wait, YOU DESTROYED THEM! So, no, I don't think we can reach some sort of agreement!
:'''Steven''': ''[flushing the toilet]'' Okay, Peridot, you can turn around now. ''[exits the bathroom, clears throat]'' Sorry for interrupting your interrogation.
:'''Garnet''': Don't worry about it, Steven.
:'''Pearl''': I swear, Peridot is gonna crack any second now.
:'''Peridot''': I'll ''never'' crack for the likes of you, you… Crystal Clods! ''[laughs]''
:'''Pearl''': ''[angrily]'' Ooh, I got your clods right here, you little…!
:'''Garnet''': ''[puts her hand on her shoulder]'' Hold on, Pearl. If she's not gonna be of any help, let's investigate this thing on our own.
:'''Steven''': I'll come with you.
:'''Garnet''': Sorry, Steven. We're gonna need you to stay here and keep an eye on our…''guest.''
:'''Steven''': Really?
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah. Make sure she doesn't try anything.
:'''Pearl''': Don't worry. She's harmless without her limb enhancers.
:'''Peridot''': I'M NOT HARMLESS!
:'''Pearl''': Oh, hush up!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': These are the early attempts at artificial fusion.
:'''Steven''': That's a lot of gem shards.
:'''Peridot''': We were growing them here at this very site. But these were just prototypes for the final product, a singular giant artificial fusion, comprised of millions of gem shards…the Cluster.
:'''Steven''': Peridot, you're saying there's a giant mutant gem the size of the Earth under us right now?
:'''Peridot''': Oh, no. When it forms, it'll be much, much bigger than the Earth. Right now, it lies dormant, incubating in the Earth's core. But when it emerges and takes its physical form, it will destroy the planet. The prototypes are already emerging. The Cluster is next. If we can't get off this planet, we've got to stop the Cluster! I thought it'd be impossible, but now we have a chance.
:'''Steven''': What is it?
:'''Peridot''': ''[grabs Steven's shoulders and grins malevolently]'' It's you, Steven! ''[she and Steven climb out of the control room]'' Now that you're filled in, we can get to work!
:'''Steven''': Uhh, how am I supposed to help?
:'''Peridot''': Well, you have all the information that we need about Earth and its erratic behavior. Put that together with my expansive knowledge of the Cluster and we just might be able to stop it!
:'''Steven''': No, Peridot, I don't think you get it! Just because I know how clouds work doesn't mean I know how to stop a giant mutant in the center of the earth! Besides, the only reason that I know anything about clouds and rain is because my dad told me.
:'''Peridot''': What are you talking about?
:'''Steven''': I used to be really scared of thunderstorms, just like you. Then Dad explained how rain and all that stuff works, then I wasn't scared of rain anymore.
:'''Peridot''': Well, I'm sure you have other knowledge about how this planet works.
:'''Steven''': Sure, but none of it's going to help us. If we want to stop this Cluster thing, we'll need help from the Crystal Gems.
:'''Peridot''': I said I don't need them! Let's just warp me back to the bathroom, or whatever you call it, and we'll take care of this. If it looks really bad, then we can just ask this &quot;dad&quot; for help, right?

=== ''Back to the Barn'' ===
:'''Peridot''': What is that?!
:'''Steven''': ''[speaking with the Cluster puppet]'' It's the Cluster.
:'''Peridot''': It does not look like that. But it ''is'' real, and it can activate at any moment!
:'''Amethyst''': What a cluster.
:'''Garnet''': That abomination must be stopped.
:'''Pearl''': But how? We'll need to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth, it'll have to-
:'''Peridot''': ''[swats at Pearl, interrupting her]'' Hey! I wasn't finished speaking! What we ''need'' is to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': All right. What we have here in the barn should be adequate enough for us to get started. First, I recommend we organize the component types, and assemble a rough blueprint based off what we have available. Sorry, Steven. It's a lovely drawing, but it won't look like this. ''[Steven stops spinning on the swivel chair, now frowning]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[examines piece of chalk]'' Hmm... Good. Yes, this is adequate. Thank you. You can go now.
:'''Pearl''': ..Uh, what?
:'''Peridot''': Hm? ''[beat]'' Umm, that will be all? ''[claps to her for a beat, whispers to Steven]'' How do you get her to leave?
:'''Pearl''': Excuse me, I am not leaving.
:'''Steven''': Yeah! She's gotta stay here to help us build the drill thing, right?
:'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' No, no, you're confused. A Pearl can't build a thing like this.
:'''Steven''': Why not?
:'''Peridot''': Because Pearls aren't ''for'' this! They're... for standing around, an-and looking nice, and uh... holding your stuff for you. Right?
:'''Pearl''': That's enough! If we're going to work together, you're going to have to listen to me.
:'''Peridot''': Listen to you? ''[starts laughing, turns to Steven]'' Did you teach her to talk like this?
:'''Steven''': What are you talking about?
:'''Peridot''': She's a Pearl. She's a made-to-order servant just like the hundreds of other Pearls being flaunted around back on Homeworld.
:'''Steven''': Wait... There's hundreds of Pearls?!
:'''Pearl''': ''[nervous]'' Well... yes, but—
:'''Peridot''': ''[holding Pearl's sash]'' And she looks like a fancy one, too. ''[Pearl gasps]''
:'''Steven''': Hundreds of Pearls...
:'''Peridot''': So, who do you belong to anyway?
:'''Pearl''': ''[grabs her sash away from her]'' Nobody!!
:'''Peridot''': Then... what are you for? ''[Pearl recoils back]'' Well, you can belong to me for now. Ha! A Peridot with a Pearl? What would they say back home?
:'''Pearl''': Now listen here, you tiny twerp! In case you've forgotten, you're on ''our'' turf now! And I didn't fight a thousand-year war for this planet's independence to take orders from the likes of ''you''!!
:'''Peridot''': Excuse me? I am a natural technician and a certified Kindergartener. I was made for this! You were made to take orders, not to give them!
:'''Steven''': Whoa, whoa, hang on, guys! Now, we can all agree that you are both good at building things, so... can't you just try listening to each other?
:'''Both''': &lt;big&gt;'''''NO!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Pearl''': I'm as good at building things as you! Better, even!
:'''Peridot''': Hah! Name one thing you can engineer better! Go on!
:'''Steven''': ''[whispers]'' Robots.
:'''Both''': Hm?
:'''Steven''': You should build robots. Giant robots! I see a race. A giant robo-race... with prizes. Giant robo-prizes!
:'''Pearl''': You mean like a competition?
:'''Steven''': Yeah! To see who's better at building stuff!
:'''Peridot''': What are these robots you speak of? 
:'''Steven''': They're like those funky marble guys you were sending—only bigger, and you can ride them! ''[makes robot noises]''
:'''Peridot''': Hah! Building one of these robots will be easy!
:'''Pearl''': Well, I can build one faster!
:'''Peridot''': That's what you think!

=== ''Too Far'' ===
:'''Peridot''': ''[talking into a recorder]'' Log date 7 11 2. It's the third rotation of the Earth since commencements of a... collaborative approach to stopping the Cluster.
:'''Pearl''': I've finished drawing up the blueprints for the drill head. Peridot, if you could come take a look at this?
:'''Peridot''': Remind me again why I should listen to you? Oh, right. ''[plays recorder]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] &quot;The Pearl here has developed an aptitude for engineering that I begrudgingly respect. But that doesn't explain the spontaneous singing... crying... singing while crying.&quot; [Amethyst laughs]''
:'''Pearl''': ''[to Steven] [annoyed]'' Why did you give her that?
:'''Steven''': Well, we did destroy all her stuff. I thought it might help make her feel a little better.
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] &quot;Clod!&quot; [fast-forwards] &quot;Mighty clod!&quot; [fast-forwards] &quot;Running out of ways to say clod.&quot;''
:'''Garnet''': All right. I chased away those cows. Now let's get to work.
:'''Peridot''': ''[to Garnet] [clears throat]'' Before we begin, would you mind unfusing? It's making me incredibly uncomfortable.
:''[beat as Steven, Amethyst and Pearl nervously look to Garnet. The scene then cuts to Garnet leashing Peridot to a fence.]
:'''Peridot''': ''[as Garnet walks away]'' What?! What'd I say?! 
:'''Steven''': Did we really have to do that?
:'''Garnet''': Her having free reign of the place made ''me'' incredibly uncomfortable.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;

:''[Steven and Amethyst walk up to a leashed Peridot growling over a microwave]''
:'''Peridot''': I just need some sort of leverage optimizer...
:'''Amethyst''': Leverage optimizer?
:'''Peridot''': That's what I said.
:'''Amethyst''': Ohhh! Ha! You mean you want a screwdriver? ''[laughing]''
:'''Peridot''': Do you have one or not?
:'''Steven''': Uh... ''[hands a screwdriver]'' Why don't you just use this one?
:'''Peridot''': Because it was outside my radius.
:'''Amethyst''': He-hey... Hey, Peridot... ''[points to her nose]'' What do you call this?
:'''Peridot''': A scent sponge.
:'''Steven''': Huh? ''[Amethyst laughs some more]''
:'''Amethyst''': Okay... ''[opens her eye]'' what's this?
:'''Peridot''': Vision sphere.
:'''Steven''': Peridot, that's—
:'''Amethyst''': Wait, wait, Steven! Peridot... ''[waves her fingers]'' these?
:'''Peridot''': ''[getting annoyed]'' Touch stumps.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[points to her foot]'' This?!
:'''Peridot''': Gravity connectors.
:'''Amethyst''': ''This''?!
:'''Peridot''': '''THAT'S YOUR BUTT!!!''' ''[Steven and Amethyst laugh out loud]''
:'''Steven''': Oh, man, Peridot, you're killing me!
:'''Peridot''': I am not! That would violate our truce agreement!
:'''Amethyst''': No, no, no! You're funny!
:'''Peridot''': Funny?

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': The strangest thing is, Amethyst... you think you have to listen to them! ''[laughs]'' You are the one they should put you in charge!
:'''Amethyst''': Ha! That's your best joke yet.
:'''Peridot''': No, really. Pearl is a Pearl. Garnet is a fusion. I don't even know what ''he's'' supposed to be.
:'''Steven''': Hey!
:'''Peridot''': You're the only Crystal Gem that's actually a Gem! 
:'''Amethyst''': Uh... ''[laughs nervously]'' What?
:'''Peridot''': You outrank everyone on your team. They should be listening to you. You're a strong, singular, fully-functional soldier, despite the fact that you're defective.
:'''Amethyst''': ..Defective?
:'''Peridot''': Well, sure. You're small.
:'''Amethyst''': So?
:'''Peridot''': Well, you're not supposed to be! Hold on, wait, wait. Let me guess. ''[points to Amethyst's hole]'' This— ''[runs to hole]'' This is the hole you came out of. Too small, too low, the exit marks look about 500 years newer than every other hole. Hmm... this place must have been empty when you came out. No wonder you have no idea what you're supposed to look like!
:'''Steven''': Peridot... ''[Amethyst holds Steven on the shoulder]''
:'''Amethyst''': What was I supposed to look like?
:'''Peridot''': Well, you're a quartz. They're huge, loyal soldiers. You should be twice your size. Broad shouldered, intimidating, but you simply stayed in the ground too long.
:'''Amethyst''': Are you saying I'm wrong?!
:'''Peridot''': ''[laughing]'' Gemetically speaking, yes. When you think about it it's also... ''[snickers]'' funny! ''[Amethyst feels more enraged]''
:'''Steven''': Amethyst?
:'''Peridot''': Hey, soldier. Maybe you can help me get this hunk of drill off.
:''[Amethyst violently slashes the drill head off of an Injector with her whip]''
:'''Peridot''': See? Look at that! You can do everything a normal quartz can do. Let's head back and shove this thing in Pearl's face!
:'''Steven''': Amethyst? Are you okay?
:'''Amethyst''': Don't worry about it.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;

:'''Pearl''': ''WE LEAVE FOR ONE SECOND AND EVERYTHING GOES OFF THE RAILS!''
:'''Garnet''': I blame the cows.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder]'' &quot;''Log date 7 11 2. This entire planet is backwards. There hasn't been one instance of correct behavior exhibited by anyone of these Crystal Gems. I have concluded that they are all defective. But I am no better. I failed my mission and I'm now working with the enemy. And I can't even get that right. I have apparently &quot;hurt&quot; Amethyst's &quot;feelings&quot;, which was not my intent. If I damaged my standing with the best Gem here, then I've made a serious mistake. I'm still learning. I hope you understand. I want to understand. I'm sorry. [pause] Peridot, Facet 5, end log.''&quot;

=== ''The Answer'' ===
:'''Sapphire''': My Diamond, I have arrived.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond spoke…
:'''Blue Diamond''': Sapphire, tell me what will happen here.
:'''Sapphire''': I foresee the rebels attacking the Cloud Arena. Before they are cornered, they will destroy the physical forms of seven gems, including two of my Ruby guards, and myself. Immediately after my form is destroyed, the rebels will be captured. The rebellion ends here.
:'''Blue Diamond''': Thank you, Sapphire.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond said, relieved.
:'''Blue Diamond''': That's all I needed to know.
:'''Sapphire''': I look forward to speaking with you again once I reform back on Homeworld.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Rose''': ''[off-screen]'' Blue Diamond, leave this planet! This colony will ''not'' be completed!
:'''Ruby Guard''': It's the rebels!
:'''Various Gems''': Who are you?! Show yourselves!
:'''Rose''': ''[floating from above Pearl]'' We…
:'''Rose &amp; Pearl''': …are the Crystal Gems!
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The attack was right on schedule.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The furious crowd closed in around Ruby and Sapphire. They'd never seen fusion of two different types of gems.
:'''Various Gems''': Unbelievable! Disgusting! This is unheard of!
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond's voice cut through the crowd.
:'''Blue Diamond''': The rebels have fled. Sapphire, this is ''not'' the scenario you described.
:'''Sapphire''': This is… not what I saw! I don't know what happened, I…
:'''Ruby''': No! It was me!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Clearly.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Said Blue Diamond.
:'''Blue Diamond''': How dare you fuse with a member of my court?
:'''Ruby''': Forgive me, I…
:'''Blue Diamond''': You will be broken for this!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Both''': ''Where did we go, what did we do?''
:''I think we made something entirely new''
:''And it wasn't quite me and it wasn't quite you''
:''I think it was someone entirely new.''

:'''Ruby''': ''Oh, um''
:''Well, I just can't stop thinking''
:'''Sapphire''': ''So, um''
:''Did you say I was different?''

:'''Ruby''': ''And you hadn't before''
:'''Sapphire''': ''Of course not''
:''When would I have ever?''
:'''Ruby''': ''I'm so sorry''
:'''Sapphire''': ''No, no, don't be''
:'''Ruby''': ''And now you're here forever!''

:'''Sapphire''': ''What about you?''
:'''Ruby''': ''What about me?''
:'''Sapphire''': ''Well, you're here too''
:''We're here together.''

:''Mm-m-m-m-mm''
:'''Both''': ''Mm-m-m-m-mm, hm-m-m-m-m''
:''Mm-m-m-m-mm''
:''Mm-m-m-m-mm...''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' I was back. I was someone and I didn't know who. But I felt I was getting the hang of my strange new form. ''[beat]'' And then I fell.
:'''Fusion''': Ahh! ''[tumbling down a hill and crashes in bushes]'' Ouch... ''[a sword is pointed to her face]'' Aahh! Don't hurt her! Don't hurt... me?
:''[pan up to see Pearl as the sword bearer]''
:'''Pearl''': It's you... the fusion.
:'''Fusion''': We didn't mean to fuse! Well... well, we did this time. We'll unfuse! We-we'll... w-we'll... ''[Rose Quartz comes by]''
:'''Rose''': No, no, please. I'm glad to see you again.
:'''Garnet''': And there they were—Rose Quartz, the leader of the rebellion and her terrifying renegade Pearl.
:'''Fusion''': I don't... upset you?
:'''Rose''': Who cares about how I feel? How ''you'' feel is bound to be much more interesting.
:'''Fusion''': How I feel? I-I feel... uh, lost... and scared... a-and happy. W-Why am I so sure that I'd rather be this than everything I was supposed to be, and that I'd rather do this than everything I was supposed to do? ''[Rose chuckles and smiles]''
:'''Rose''': Welcome to Earth.
:'''Fusion''': C-Can you tell me?! How was Ruby able to alter fate? Or, why was Sapphire willing to give up everything? W-What am I?!
:'''Rose''': No more questions. Don't ''ever'' question this. You already are the answer.
:''[Flashback story ends as Garnet concludes]''
:'''Steven''': So…what was it? The answer?
:'''Garnet''': ''[whispers]'' Love.
:'''Steven''': Wow… I knew it.
:'''Garnet''': So did I.

=== ''Steven's Birthday'' ===
:''[Steven runs and hides to an edge of the barn; he de-ages into his normal state]''
:'''Steven''': Ohhh, geez! If I can just keep this up for the rest of my life, no one will suspect a thi—
:''[he sees wide-eyed Amethyst and Greg staring at Steven for a beat; he drops a piñata stick]''
:'''Amethyst''': What are you doing?!
:'''Steven''': ''[stammers]'' U-uh— well, what are ''[ages back]'' you doing?
:'''Greg''': What are ''you'' doing to your body?!
:'''Amethyst''': Woah, woah, woah... Have you been stretching yourself out all day?!
:'''Steven''': No! I was just... slouching.
:'''Greg''': Why are you doing this? It... really isn't like you.
:'''Steven''': Because, Dad! I can't stay a kid forever! When Connie grows up and becomes president, what is that gonna make me? First Boy?!
:'''Amethyst''': Steven, you can't just keep stretching forever. If you hold it too long, you could really hurt yourself.
:'''Steven''': Yeah, well, I'm half-human so maybe it works different for me! We'll just have to wait and see, right?!
:'''Greg''': ''[sighs]'' Steven...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': ''[trying to cheer up baby Steven but fails]'' My power means nothing to an infant.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Greg, Connie and Amethyst (as a baby car seat for baby Steven) drive up in his van; Connie waves a maraca trying to calm down baby Steven]''
:'''Connie''': How can the Gems not know what to do?!
:'''Greg''': You think they know the first thing about raising a baby? That was all me! But I don't get it. Driving always used to calm him down.
:'''Connie''': But, how do we change him back?!
:'''Greg''': I don't know! Look, Connie, let me take you home. I-I'll call you when this all this gets sorted out.
:''[Connie turns to baby Steven babbling and crying]''
:'''Connie''': W-Wait, no! I wanna stay.
:'''Greg''': Are you sure?
:'''Connie''': Yeah! I just want to be there for Steven. Don't worry, Steven. It doesn't matter to me what age it seems like you are, I wanna hang out with you no matter what. Your dad still has to earn his car wash and the Gems have to do gem stuff, so I'll watch you when they're not around. I can come see you after I'm done training with Pearl, too. Doesn't that sound fun? ''[baby Steven holds onto her finger; coos happily]''
:'''Greg''': Look at that! He finally stopped crying.
:'''Connie''': Well, that's a start. ''[Amethyst clears her throat]''
:'''Greg''': What's up, Amethyst?
:'''Amethyst''': Baby Steven needs changin'.

=== ''It Could've Been Great'' ===
:'''Steven''': ''Life and death and love and birth''
:''And peace and war on the planet Earth''
:''Is there anything that's worth more''
:''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?''

:''Whoahh, come on and sing it with me''
:'''Peridot''': Sing?
:'''Steven''': ''The words relate to the key''
:'''Peridot''': Key?
:'''Steven''': ''If it's a pattern, if it's a pattern''
:''Then just repeat after me.''

:''Life and death and love and birth''
:'''Peridot''': ''Life and death and love and birth''
:'''Steven''': ''Now using mi-fa-mi-mi-fa-mi-ti-la!''
:'''Both''': ''And peace and war on the planet Earth.''
:'''Steven''': Yes, yes! That's it!
:'''Peridot''': That's so easy.
:'''Steven''': Yeah, but that's what's fun about it! You should write something, you should write a song.
:'''Peridot''': About what?
:'''Steven''': Whatever you're thinking.
&lt;hr width=25% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''I guess we're already here, I guess we already know''
:''We've all got something to fear, we've all got nowhere to go''
:''I think you're all '''insane''', but I guess I am too''
:''Anybody would be if they were stuck on Earth with you.''

:'''Steven''': ''[laughing]'' Yes! ''Life and death and love and birth and''
:'''Amethyst''': ''Life and death and love and birth and''
:'''Pearl''': ''Life and death and love and birth''
:''And peace and war on the planet Earth.''

:'''Garnet''': ''Is there anything that's worth more''
:'''Steven''': ''Is there anything that's worth more''
:'''Peridot''': ''Is there anything that's worth more''
:''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': Huh? Hey, Peridot, who is this supposed to be?
:'''Peridot''': ''[runs up and gasps at the mural]'' It's Blue Diamond! Wait. Are they ''all'' here?! Ah, yes! There she is!
:'''Steven''': Who?
:''[They run up to the mural of Yellow Diamond]''
:'''Peridot''': Behold, Yellow Diamond! Isn't she magnificent?
:'''Steven''': Wow! So, who are the Diamonds anyway? They seem like a big deal.
:'''Peridot''': Are you joking me? The Diamonds are the Gem matriarchs! Together, they make up the Great Diamond Authority that governs Homeworld and all the outlying colonies! We live to serve them. ''[Garnet clears her throat and glares down at her in annoyance; nervously chuckles]'' I…I mean, we were all made to serve them, even though some of us don't anymore.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[They enter an upstairs room with only a single mysterious object in the middle]''
:'''Steven''': Hey, what's this room?
:'''Garnet''': ''[continues walking upstairs]'' It's not what we came for.
:'''Amethyst''': Can we hurry it up? This place gives me the creeps.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Peridot brings up a hologram of Earth, which starts eroding to a hollowed-out version with a ring system as Steven and the Gems awe in shock]''
:'''Peridot''': Ta-da! A finished Earth colony. Wow, look at this! Eighty-nine Kindergartens, sixty-seven spires, a Galaxy Warp in each facet, efficient use of all available materials. What were you thinking shutting this operation down?! It could've been great!
:'''Garnet''': No! You're wrong! 
:'''Peridot''': What do you mean? It's perfect. Look at it!
:'''Pearl''': We ''are'' looking at it.
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah, this plan stinks! 
:'''Garnet''': Completing this colony would have meant the extinction of all life on Earth!
:'''Peridot''': But think of the good it would've done! The Gems that would've been made are empire expanded! 
:'''Pearl''': Rose Quartz believed all life was precious and ''worth'' protecting.
:'''Peridot''': Well, if she wanted to protect it, she did a lousy job! There'd be no Cluster if the Earth had stayed a colony! Now there's no colony, and there's gonna be no Earth! So thank you, Rose Quartz, you doomed the planet!
:''[Garnet, Pearl and Amethyst stare angrily at Peridot for a beat]''
:'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! ''[nervously]'' Is there anything that's worth more than— ''[Garnet picks up Peridot]''
:'''Garnet''': You listen to me now. ''[summons gauntlet]'' You were talking about things that you do ''not'' understand.
:'''Steven''': Garnet! Stop, please! It's not worth it. We're done here. Let's just go home.
:''[Garnet drops Peridot on the seat and smashes the control panel with her gauntlet and the hologram dissipates; the Gems start leaving soon after. Steven sighs]''
:'''Peridot''': What'd I say? I'm just stating a fact. The rebellion didn't really save Earth, it just delayed the inevitable.
:'''Steven''': ''[sighs]'' That's not the way they see it. They've spent thousands of years trying to protect the Earth. I thought maybe you finally understood why.

=== ''Message Received'' ===
:'''Peridot''': Wait! I— I wouldn't have called just to waste your time with a report.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You already have.
:'''Peridot''': ''[nervously]'' No, I mean... The reason I called – the ''real'' reason... I believe we should terminate the Cluster.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ...''Why?''
:'''Peridot''': The organic ecosystem creates resources unique to this world. We can't sacrifice all that potential just for one geo-weapon! I'd like to tell you some plans I came up with to utilize the planet without disrupting the local—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I've heard enough! I don't care about potential and resources.
:'''Peridot''': What?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I want my Cluster, and I want that planet to ''die''. Just make that happen.
:'''Peridot''': ...No!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Huh?!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Are you questioning my authority?
:'''Peridot''': I'm questioning your objectivity! My Diamond.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Well! ''[Yellow Diamond stands up]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You are out of line.
:'''Peridot''': I just think—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm not interested in the puny thoughts of a Peridot.
:'''Peridot''': But—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You have disrespected this channel and my time with your presence, and you would do well to—
:'''Peridot''': But—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''Shut your mouth!!'' ''[beat]'' You have failed at every stage of this mission! Your only chance to redeem yourself is to obey this simple order: You are to leave the Cluster to grow. It will tear apart the Earth, and I will take immense satisfaction in erasing that hideous rock off of our star maps! ''Is that clear?!''
:'''Peridot''': I won't do it!! I can tell you with certainty that there are things on this planet worth protecting! ''[Steven smiles]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What do you know about the Earth?!
:'''Peridot''': ''[losing her temper]'' APPARENTLY MORE THAN ''YOU'', YOU... &lt;big&gt;'''''CLOD!'''''&lt;/big&gt; ''[Yellow Diamond suddenly becomes incredibly livid at a petrified Peridot]'' Uhh... Peridot out.
:''[She terminates communication; Steven and the Gems come out from hiding and happily congratulate Peridot]''
:'''Steven''': That was AMAZING! 
:'''Peridot''': ''[sweating and looking devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that...
:'''Steven''': I was so wrong about being so wrong about you! 
:'''Peridot''': ''[still sweating and devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that...!
:'''Garnet''': You thought you could change her mind. 
:'''Amethyst''': Yellow D got torn down by the &quot;Peridactyl&quot;!
:'''Peridot''': ''[sighs and gives the communicator to Pearl]'' Can one of you take this? 
:'''Pearl''': Why? 
:'''Peridot''': Because it can be remotely detonated. 
:''[The communicator starts to glow red; Steven and the Gems panic while Peridot curls up into a ball on the ground]'' 
:'''Pearl''': How do we stop it?!
:'''Garnet''': Just get rid of it!
:'''Pearl''': Err, here, Amethyst! ''[passes it to her]''
:'''Amethyst''': ''WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH IT?!''
:''[She throws it to Steven, who bubbles it; Garnet punches it away into the sky, where it explodes harmlessly]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[still curled up]'' I thought I could reason with her... 
:'''Amethyst''': ''[grinning]'' Yeah, you ''REALLY'' made her mad. 
:'''Pearl''': ''[smiling]'' And then you insulted her to her face. 
:'''Steven''': ''[overjoyed]'' Do you know what this means?! 
:'''Peridot''': I'm a traitor to my Homeworld. 
:'''Steven''': ''You're a Crystal Gem!!!'' ''[hugs Peridot]'' 
:'''Garnet''': ''[smiling]'' Whether you like it or not. 
:''[Peridot starts groaning loudly as the camera zooms out to the whole of Earth]''

=== ''Log Date 7 15 2'' ===
:'''Peridot''': Log date 7 15 2. I can't believe I just did that! I disobeyed my orders and went against Yellow Diamond's wishes! I'm a traitorous clod! I never want to think about what I've done again! ''[stops recording, rewinds and plays the recording; laughs madly]'' And I called Yellow Diamond a clod! Right to her face! ''[falls to her knees]'' I called Yellow Diamond a clod. ''Right to her face.''
:'''Steven''': Uh, Peridot? Are you going to be okay?
:'''Peridot''': ''[enthusiastically with a deranged smile]'' No!
:'''Steven''': It's all going to work out. You're with us now.
:'''Peridot''': You don't understand! I'm protecting a planet I was once trying to destroy! I used to follow every order, every rule. Now I'm a traitor. ''[cringes]'' A rebel! ''[eyes turn to stars] '''A CRYSTAL GEMMMMMMMMMMMM....''' ''[snickers]''
:'''Steven''': Well, that tape recorder seems to be helping.
:'''Peridot''': '''NO IT'S NOT!''' ''[throws recorder at Garnet, who had just entered]'' It's a chronicle of my descent into madness!!!
:'''Garnet''': ''[holding out recorder to Peridot]'' You dropped this.
:'''Peridot''': Get it away from me! Give it to Steven. Return madness to its source!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Log Date 7 11 2. The Steven has given me this Earth machine to replace my communicator log. It looks…extremely primitive. He also said he wanted me to stop calling him, &quot;The Steven.&quot;
:'''Steven''': It's just &quot;Steven.&quot;
:'''Peridot''': I said I'd call him whatever I want. ''[hisses viciously at him; Steven holds up his finger in her face]'' He told me that was rude.
:'''Steven''': Rude.
:'''Peridot''': I guess I'll him, &quot;Steven.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Pearl really tries for some reason and I can appreciate that. Amethyst's company is entertaining as well, but the fused one... ''[sees Garnet for a long beat, she gives her a thumbs up]'' ...eludes me.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': &quot;Jokes.&quot; ''[opens up the joke book; clears throat]'' &quot;Why did the chicken cross the road? The chicken wanted to get to the other side of the road.&quot; ''[laughs]'' What's a chicken?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[recorder]'' Hour 78 of ''Camp Pining Hearts''. ''[saying Percy's line]'' It's the colour war, Paulette. Doesn't that mean anything to you?
:'''Steven''': Uh, you've been here for a few days. Is everything okay?
:'''Peridot''': I've just been... watching your previously recorded entertainment.
:'''Steven''': Is that the same episode from three days ago?
:'''Peridot''': There's more than one?
:'''Steven''': Hmm... nah. Oh, you made a picture. ''[reaches a piece of paper before Peridot snatches it]''
:'''Peridot''': Picture?! This isn't just a picture, Steven! It's a complex chart cataloging the compatible characteristics between campers. Somehow, the rejects at Camp Clod fail to recognize the superior pair that is Pierre and Percy.
:'''Steven''': Well, that's because Paulette likes Percy.
:'''Peridot''': Paulette? Ha! Paulette has no place in the camp's hierarchy. Now, Pierre—Pierre is a brute! Pierre laid waste to the three-legged races! Pierre and Percy present the strongest battle formation! They'd destroy the camp!
:'''Steven''': You got all this from one episode?
:'''Peridot''': It's ''{{w|subtext}}'', Steven. Allow me to explain. ''[cut back to recorder held by Steven]'' &quot;''Well, first of all...''&quot;
:'''Steven''': Ugh, I remember this part.
:''[Steven fast-forwards recorder as we see Peridot speeding through the entire session; Steven soon falls asleep with Garnet now sitting on the couch]''
:'''Peridot''': And that's why Percy and Pierre are objectively the best for each other! ''[Steven slumps down the floor; Garnet gives a thumbs up; Peridot tears up her chart angrily]'' ''GRAHHH!!!''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Steven fast-forwards the tape recorder]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder]'' Okay, go.
:'''Garnet''': ''[thru recorder]'' Log date seven fourteen two.
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder]'' No, you say it seven one-''four'' two! ''[groans]'' Log date 7 14 2. I have attempted a fusion with the fusion Garnet. I had hoped to gain a better understanding of fusion. Instead, I gained a better understanding of Garnet.
:'''Garnet''': ''[thru recorder]'' Wait, keep it on a moment. Steven, you probably shouldn't have listened to Peridot's logs, but I know your curiosity comes from a place of caring. You should give the recorder back to her now. She's going to want to keep it.
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder]'' Wait, what?

[[Category:Steven Universe seasons]]</text>
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]]
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{{italic title}}
The following is a list of quotes from the second season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''.

=== ''Full Disclosure'' ===
:'''Greg''': I saw the spaceship starting to leave and then it crashed and I came back and— ''[sees Steven's black eye]'' Ugh, your eye... But you're okay! I guess those jerks were no match for the Crystal Gems!
:'''Steven''': No way! They were super strong!
:'''Greg''': But you were able to beat them back?
:'''Steven''': No, they totally stomped us! This warrior Jasper was super beefy and knocked me unconscious. Then they abducted me onto the ship because they wanted to take me away forever, and then we crashed the ship and I almost died! ''[Greg freaks out]''
:'''Greg''': W-What do they want with you?!
:'''Steven''': They think I'm Mom.
:'''Greg''': Ar-are more Homeworld Gems gonna come after you?!
:'''Steven''': I— uhh... I don't know. Maybe?
:'''Greg''': Steven, I'm supportive and very proud of you... and I'll be right back. ''[runs into his van]'' Gotta calm down. Where's my— ''[brings a series of CDs up front]'' Where's my relaxing music CD?! This one? ''[inserts CD; starts blaring loud metal music]'' Wrong one!! Stop!! Eject!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Ronaldo''': Oh! I see... You come up here to brood too!
:'''Steven''': Brood?
:'''Ronaldo''': Yes, Steven. That's just what people like us do. Suffer quietly, shouldering the knowledge no one else can bear.
:'''Steven''': Hm.
:'''Ronaldo''': As an aficionado of the weird yourself, you've probably noticed ordinary people fear the cold leaded anchor of the truth. The abyss is no Sunday swan ride.
:'''Steven''': I know! My dad flipped out when I told him!
:'''Ronaldo''': Sounds typical. But it's a good reminder. This is no easy path we've chosen here. There are... sacrifices. Look at them all down there, Steven. It's our duty to let those simple people live out their simple lives, without ever knowing the burden of being friends with us.
:'''Steven''': At least we can be there for each other.
:'''Ronaldo''': Is that giant hand from the sky sitting right in the middle of the beach?! I gotta get some of this for my blog!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': Aw, come on!
:'''Garnet''': No whining. We need to start cleaning up the debris.
:'''Pearl''': Garnet's right. People are already coming back into town!
:'''Steven''': We've got to keep them off the beach. If any humans got access to Gem technology, ''[shuts blinds]'' they could really hurt themselves. Maybe we should shut them out... for good.
:'''Pearl''': You know... we did once have a fence. Let's get a new one—with barbed wire! 
:'''Amethyst''': This time, let's build a moat. I could be... ''[shapeshifts her head]'' the crocodi-i-ile!! Jazz hands!
:'''Garnet''': No.
:'''Amethyst''': Why not?
:'''Pearl''': You always say you'll be the crocodile, but you never commit!
:'''Garnet''': No fence either.
:'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Garnet!
:'''Garnet''': Steven needs to see his father and his friends.
:'''Steven''': No, I don't! I can't keep clinging to the vestiges of my humanity. It's time I got serious. ''[his phone starts ring-toning again]'' Errh!
:'''Pearl''': Steven, why is your communication device playing that song?
:'''Steven''': It's Connie, trying to call me... but I can't face her anymore.
:'''Pearl''': So... you're just going to ignore her forever?
:'''Steven''': It's the responsible thing to do.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[sees thru blinds]'' It's gonna be hard, 'cause she's coming up the steps right now.
:'''Steven''': What?!

=== ''Open Book'' ===

=== ''Joy Ride'' ===
:'''Steven''': Family stuff is tricky. 
:'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': Mmhm.
:'''Steven''': A few months back, my dad and the Gems grounded me from TV.
:'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': That's the worst. / Bummer. / No way!
:'''Steven''': And then I found out that the Gems are alien rebels and that there are other Gems out in space that want us dead 'cause they think we're traitors. And they tried to take me hostage 'cause they think I'm my mom. And... maybe I kinda am? ''[sighs]'' I wish I could talk to Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl about it, but... I think they kinda blame me for my mom not being around.
:''[Buck, Sour Cream and Jenny are in a state of shock for a beat. Jenny turns off the radio]''
:'''Jenny''': That's heavy.
:'''Steven''': I guess.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Steven... you're ungrounded from TV.

=== ''[[w:Say Uncle (Steven Universe)|Say Uncle]]'' ===
:'''Steven''': What am I doing wrong? The Gems can all summon ''their'' weapons, why can't I? ''[desperately]'' Isn't there somebody who can help me?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Steven''': Oh my gosh! Uncle Grandpa! You're really here, I can't believe it! I mean… I literally can't believe it. How is this even possible?!
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Don't worry, bro. None of this is canon. ''[pulls a real cannon out of Belly Bag]'' But this is! ''[launches his head like a cannonball with smoke trails spelling &quot;APRIL FOOLS&quot; and crashes into a ship with Lars and Sadie on it]''
:'''Lars''': Oh, no!! Our ship!!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': Steven!
:'''Pearl''': What's going on?! Who is this… stranger?
:'''Steven''': He's not a stranger, he's Uncle Grandpa!
:''[Uncle Grandpa honks his nose]''
:'''Amethyst''': &quot;Uncle… Grandpa&quot;?
:'''Pearl''': So that would make him Greg's brother… ''and'' father?
:'''Garnet''': That would explain a lot.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Pizza Steve''': Oh hey, it's just me, Pizza Steve—just the coolest and tastiest Steve who ever lived.
:'''Steven''': Hi, Pizza Steve! I'm a Steve too! Steven Universe.
:'''Pizza Steve''': ''Stee''-ven Universe... ''[pops out on top of Steven's hair]'' Come on, Uncle G. I've got two rules—no more than 40 or 50 vans, and only '''ONE''' Steve allowed!
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yeah, but this Steven is special.
:'''Mr. Gus''': Yeah. He's a Crystal Gem.
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Good mornin', Mr. Gus.
:'''Mr. Gus''': What's up, Uncle Grandpa?
:'''Steven''': Whoa, Mr. Gus! How do you know about me?
:'''Mr. Gus''': I have a comprehensive knowledge of all magical denizens of the multiverse. I know ''ALL'' about the Crystal Gems. Come on, man, check this out. I even made my own Gemsona. ''[shows art of &quot;Mr. Gusite&quot;]'' My gem is on my tail, and my weapon is a fryin' pan.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[The Gems run frantically across the plot hole many times, stop for a breather]''
:'''Garnet''': There's got to be some way out of here.
:'''Pearl''': ''[extremely panicked]'' WE'LL NEVER ESCAPE!! ''THIS'' IS OUR NEW ''HOME!!''
:'''Garnet''': Pearl, you're overreacting.
:'''Pearl''': &lt;big&gt;'''I'M NOT OVERREACTING!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Pearl runs around screaming until she crashes into Amethyst]''
:'''Amethyst''': Hey, where's Steven? ''[Pizza Steve walks in dressed like Steven]'' 
:'''Pizza Steve''': Lookin' for me, Pizza Steven Universe?  ''[Pearl gasps, cowers behind Garnet]''
:'''Pearl''': That's not my baby!
:'''Amethyst''': Ah, nice! ''[eyes on Pizza Steve]''
:'''Pizza Steve''': Whoa, hold on!
:'''Amethyst''': ''Pizzaaaaaa!!'' ''[chases Pizza Steve offscreen]''
:'''Pizza Steve''': Don't eat Pizza Steve! ''[munching noises]''
:''[Amethyst walks back on, putting on Pizza Steve's sunglasses from out of her mouth]''
:'''Garnet''': Okay, I'm ready for this episode to end.
:''[She stomps, causing the plot hole to crack and shatter, leaving them back at the beach]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[after finally summoning his shield; to Uncle Grandpa]'' I did it, Uncle Grandpa! I really did it!
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yay.
:'''Pearl''': Protecting HIM activated Steven's powers?!
:'''Garnet''': He must really care about this stranger.
:'''Amethyst''': I hope he didn't care about that pizza.
:'''Steven''': Listen! It was a big, weird surprise when Uncle Grandpa showed up here today. We've never met anyone like Uncle Grandpa, but you can't just attack people you don't understand. You have to stick up for them, and listen to what they have to say. You guys always do that for me.
:'''Pearl''': ''[blushing with tears in her eyes, feeling guilty and sorry]'' Steven, you're right. ''[cries]'' HOW CAN I BE SO BLIND?! I'M SORRY!
:'''Amethyst''': I also apologize for Pearl.
:'''Garnet''': Thank you, you taught us a valuable lesson, Uncle Grandpa.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Boy, that sure makes my eyes hurt. Now let's see here... ''[grabs a checklist revealing several other Cartoon Network protagonists]'' Dexter, Dee-dee, Blossom, Bubbles, Buttercup, Ed, Edd, Eddy, Billy, Mandy, Mac, Juniper Lee, Swat Kats, Flapjack, Finn, Oh! Steven! ''[checks off Steven's name]'' Now who's next? ''[Clarence's name is shown at the bottom of the list]''

=== ''Story for Steven'' ===
=== ''Shirt Club '' ===
:''[Steven rushes to the Beach House]''
:'''Steven''': Garnet! Amethyst! Pearl!
:'''Garnet''': Steven!
:'''Pearl''': What is it?!
:'''Amethyst''': Whoa, where's the fire?
:'''Steven''': It's an emergency! You have to help me take down all the shirts and stop Buck from making more! 
:'''Pearl''': Have the shirts come to life and and possessed the bodies of their wearers?!
:'''Steven''': Uh, no! They just—
:'''Amethyst''': Are people catching on fire when they put on the magic shirts?
:'''Steven''': No! No, they're just—
:'''Pearl''': Are the shirts destroying the wearer's will to continue on in this mortal coil, thereby shutting down Beach City!?!
:'''Steven''': ''NOOOOO''!!! They're— they're just... using my art in a way I don't agree with.
:'''Pearl''': Oh. ''[all Gems sit down]''
:'''Garnet''': Ah, we'll pass.
:'''Steven''': What?! But— but I really need your help!
:'''Pearl''': Steven, this sounds like a very abstract problem.
:'''Amethyst''': It's not something we can ''punch''!
:'''Garnet''': You must learn to help yourself. That's how you become stronger. ''[shades sparkle]''
:'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Good point, good point. / Oh, absolutely.
:'''Steven''': But..!
:'''Amethyst''': You figure something ''out'', Steven!
:'''Pearl''': Yes! Why not dust off those conflict resolution skills?
:'''Garnet''': Let your problem be known, then you can work towards an understanding.
:'''Steven''': Oh... I'll make them understand. I'll make them all understand... ''[leaves]''
:'''Amethyst''': Eh, he'll be fine.

=== ''Love Letters'' ===
:''[Steven and Connie meet Jamie sitting on a log in the beach]''
:'''Steven''': Jamie!
:'''Jamie''': Oh, hey, Connie and Steven. You guys come out here to stare at the ocean and think about life too?
:'''Connie''': Uhh, no...? We came to, uh—
:'''Jamie''': Yeah, life is crazy. One day, you're right here in Beach City delivering mail and then the next thing you know... you're on a bus to Kansas, following your dreams of becoming an actor. &quot;Follow your dreams,&quot; they said. But no one said anything about all the rejection and sadness there was to be found. So many auditions day after day... So much rejection day after day... That's why I came back. ''[two seagulls crash into each other and fall into the sea]'' One more rejection would have destroyed my fragile heart. ''[sobs, chuckles]'' Sorry... sometimes I get caught up in the drama zone, you know?
:'''Steven''': Yeah, right... Drama zone.
:'''Connie''': Oh, by the way, we have something for yo—
:'''Steven''': No, we don't!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Garnet''': I didn't mean to upset you.
:'''Jamie''': Then will you go out with me?
:'''Garnet''': No!
:'''Jamie''': But I've loved you since the moment I saw you.
:'''Garnet''': Love at first sight doesn't exist. Love takes time and love takes work. At the very least, you have to know the other person. And you literally have no idea who or what I am. ''[shades glimmer]''
:'''Jamie''': But I bloom for you like— like a... camellia... under moonlight?
:'''Garnet''': No, you don't! ''[long beat]'' You make a very convincing lovesick fool. You convinced these children. ''[adjusts her shades]'' You even convinced yourself. ''[smiling]'' You're a fantastic actor.
:'''Jamie''': ''[beat]'' ..What am I supposed to do now?
:'''Garnet''': Start with local theater. ''[slaps Jamie's back, then walks away. Connie and Steven walk closer to him]''
:'''Connie''': Are you okay?
:'''Jamie''': Yeah. That was some pretty solid advice.
:'''Steven''': Were those more letters you wrote to Garnet?
:'''Jamie''': No. That was the mail I was supposed to deliver on my last route.
:'''Steven''': ''[beat]'' We'll help you pick it all up.
:'''Jamie''': Thanks.

=== ''Reformed'' ===
:'''Garnet''': This is not a good choice for your form.
:'''Amethyst''': Lighten up, Garnet. Can't you take a joke?
:'''Garnet''': It's not funny. You've made yourself ridiculous.
:'''Amethyst''': &lt;big&gt;'''''RIDICULOUS?!?!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Keep your voice down! The creature...
:'''Amethyst''': Hrrr... You wanted me to be more like Pearl, and now I am!!
:'''Garnet''': ''[low voice]'' Pearl would've taken her regeneration seriously!
:'''Amethyst''': WHAT DO YOU CARE!?! MY FORM IS '''''MY'' BUSINESS!!'''
:'''Garnet''': It's my business when it affects the strength of the team!!
:'''Amethyst''': ..So what?! I'm not strong enough?! ''[gets dragged by the Slinker]''
:'''Steven''': Amethyst!
:'''Amethyst''': '''ARE YOU SAYING... &lt;big&gt;I'M ''WEAK''&lt;/big&gt;?!?!''' ''[poofs again; Steven catches her gemstone]''
:'''Steven''': Is it weird I'm getting numbed to this?

=== ''[[w:Sworn to the Sword|Sworn to the Sword]]'' ===
:'''Connie''': ''[fights off seagulls with her violin bow]'' Run back to your masters! Tell them we're not afraid of your kind!
:'''Steven''': ''[chuckles]'' Thanks for saving my jam snack. Unfortunately, it's not safe from me. ''[munches it]'' You're such a good sword fighter, Connie.
:'''Connie''': Really? I was just swinging this thing around. I don't really know what I'm doing, but I'd love to learn how to use a real sword!
:'''Steven''': Oh! ''[gulps snack; starry eyes]'' Steven has an idea!
:''[back at the Beach House]''
:'''Pearl''': You want me to do ''what''?!
:'''Steven''': You should teach Connie to sword fight, she's already so good!
:'''Connie''': Steven!
:'''Steven''': But you are! Y-You helped me fight the robot floaty-thing, she took down that evil clone of herself, uh... those mean seagulls just now?
:'''Pearl''': You're awfully young to begin something like this. But I suppose I was only a few thousand years old when I began fighting alongside Rose Quartz. ''[Connie raises her hand]'' Yes, Connie?
:'''Connie''': Please! I want to learn! I mean, I don't know what'll happen in the future. But if something dangerous comes along... I don't wanna be a burden, I wanna help! I want to be there for Steven to fight by his side! The Earth is my home too. Can't I help protect it? ''[Pearl starts watering tears of joy]''
:'''Pearl''': Oh... okay... If that's how you feel... we should get started!
:'''Steven''': Woo-hoo! ''[runs after her laughing]''
:'''Connie''': Wait, now?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Pearl''': All right, everything begins with your stance. Remember:
:''[singing] You do it for him, and you would do it again''
:''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.''

:''Keep your stance wide, keep your body lowered''
:''As you're moving forward, balance is the key''
:''Right foot, left foot, now go even faster''
:''And as you're moving backwards, keep your eyes on me.''

:'''Connie''': ''Keep my stance wide'' (&quot;Good.&quot;)
:''Keep my body lowered'' (&quot;Right.&quot;)
:''As I'm moving forward''
:'''Pearl''': ''Concentrate! Don't you want him to live?!''

:'''Connie''': ''Right foot, left foot''
:'''Pearl''': ''Yes, but put your whole body into it!''
:''Everything you have, everything you are''
:''You've got to give.''

:''On the battlefield, when everything is chaos''
:''And you have nothing but the way you feel, your strategy and a sword''
:''You just think about the life you'll have together after the war''
:''And then you do it for her, that's how you know you can win''
:''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.''
&lt;hr width=25%&gt;
:''Deep down, you know you weren't built for fighting''
:''But that doesn't mean you're not prepared to try''
:''What they don't know is your real advantage''
:''When you live for someone, you're prepared to die.''

:'''Connie''': ''Deep down, I know that I'm just a human'' (&quot;True.&quot;)
:'''Both''': ''But I/you know that I/you can draw my/your sword and fight''
:'''Connie''': ''With my short existence,'' (&quot;Good.&quot;) ''I can make a difference'' (&quot;Yes, excellent!&quot;)
:''I can be there for him, I can be his knight.''

:'''Connie''': ''I can do it for him''
:'''Both''': ''You'd do it for her''
:'''Pearl''': ''Okay, now do that again'' (&quot;Yes, ma'am.&quot;)
:''You do it for her, and now you say''
:'''Connie''': ''I'll do it for him.''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': ''[belly laughs]'' Wow, Garnet! That is the funniest thing I've ever heard!
:'''Garnet''': Garnet, master of comedy.
:'''Amethyst''': Hehehe... Yo, Steven. ''[pretend-yells]'' '''WHY ARE YOU STANDING THERE ALL SAD LIKE THAT?!?!'''
:'''Steven''': W-well... Connie is taking sword fighting lessons from Pearl, but I think it's getting a little too serious. She wants Connie to do all this dangerous stuff for me.
:'''Garnet''': That makes sense.
:'''Steven''': What do you mean?
:'''Garnet''': Back during the war, Pearl took pride in risking her destruction for your mother. She put Rose Quartz over everything — over logic, over consequence, over her own life.
:''[Pearl and Rose switch to Connie and Steven, respectively. She charges at the enemy before cutting to Steven's horrified face]''
:'''Amethyst''': You okay, dude?
:'''Steven''': I have to do something!! Thanks for telling me that, bye!!

=== ''Rising Tides, Crashing Skies'' ===
:'''RonaIdo''': I am now going to attempt to make contact with the mysterious, reclusive, ''[Steven comes out]'' and—ahh!
:'''Steven''': Hi, Ronaldo! Uh, hi, Peedee. Is that a camera? 
:'''Peedee''': Yeah. We're making a movie about— 
:'''RonaIdo''': It's an investigative report, shot ''[[w:cinéma vérité|camera vérité]]''.
:'''Steven''': Cool! 
:'''RonaIdo''': So... you wanna participate in a groundbreaking interview? 
:'''Steven''': Hmm. Only if ''you'' participate in a glass of fresh-squeezed lemonade! ''[walks back inside]''
:''[cue Ronaldo and Steven in the Beach House]''
:'''Steven''': Ohh, that giant hand? It was a spaceship coming to get us.
:'''RonaIdo''': Us?! I knew it! Steven, we know too much! 
:'''Steven''': No, not &quot;us&quot; us. I-I meant me and the Crystal Gems.
:'''RonaIdo''': Wait. So the hand wasn't here to snatch up humans for a human zoo? Or interfere with our subsidized Beach City wind farm?! Or thaw the cryogenically frozen pets of the one percent!?! 
:'''Steven''': Uh... no, I'm pretty sure it came to Beach City for me and the Crystal Gems.
:'''RonaIdo''': Oh. So, if you and the Crystal Gems weren't here, we wouldn't have been attacked by the giant hand?
:'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! Definitely not.

=== ''Keeping It Together'' ===
:'''Pearl''': Garnet, you don't think Peridot would come looking for us, do you?
:'''Garnet''': We weren't her priority. She was sent here to do something in the Kindergarten.
:'''Pearl''': Do you think she's still going to try to reactivate it?
:'''Garnet''': Mm. If she gets it back up and running, the Injectors will turn back on.
:'''Steven''': Injectors? What're those?
:'''Pearl''': You've already seen them. ''[projects hologram from her gemstone]'' Well, you've seen them disabled. If Peridot reactivates them, they'll pick right up where they left off, planting gems in the crust of the Earth, where they'll incubate and suck the life right out of the ground. We can't let Peridot restart Gem production here. If we do... ''[sighs]'' the entire planet will become…
:'''Garnet''': Janked.
:'''Amethyst''': Garnet! ''[laughs]'' That mouth! ''[sniggers]''
:'''Garnet''': Don't worry. We'll stop her.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': We did it! Garnet?
:'''Garnet/Ruby'''! So ''this'' is what Homeworld thinks of fusion!
:'''Garnet/Sapphire''': We couldn't have known they would do this.
:'''Garnet/Ruby''': ''This'' is where they've been…all the ones we couldn't find… they've been here the whole time!
:'''Garnet/Sapphire''': Rose couldn't have known.
:'''Garnet/Ruby''': This is punishment for the rebellion!
:'''Garnet/Sapphire''': ''[breaking down]'' It's not our fault!
:'''Steven''': Garnet!
:'''Garnet''': S-Steven.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[sliding down with Pearl]'' Yo! We're back.
:'''Pearl''': Garnet, we lost Peridot. Her fingers were too fast for us. ''[two fused hands climb up on Amethyst and grabs them]'' Um… what are these things?
:'''Garnet''': PUT THEM DOWN!
:'''Steven''': Uh!
:'''Pearl''': Wha...? ''[throws the hands away]''
:'''Garnet''': We need to poof and bubble all of them. We can't let any escape. ''[She poofs the hands as the screen turns black]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Garnet''': What Homeworld did… taking the shattered parts of fallen Gems and combining them—those Gems weren't asked permission. Fusion is a choice. Those Gems weren't given a choice. It isn't right. It isn't fusion!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Steven looks at Garnet as he takes the clothes out the dryer into the basket]''
:'''Steven''': What's it like... being a fusion?
:'''Garnet''': You fused.
:'''Steven''': I mean, like, all the time. Do you forget who you used to be?
:'''Garnet''': You forget you were ever alone. You know when you fuse, you don't feel like two people. You feel like one being. And your old names might as well be names for your left arm, and your right.
:'''Steven''': When you split up, is it like you disappear?
:'''Garnet''': I embody my— I mean, Ruby and Sapphire's love. I always exist in them, even if I split apart. But the strength of that love keeps me together, so I can stay Garnet for a very long time.
:'''Steven''': That's why you're so great!
:'''Garnet''': ''[smiles]'' Ha. ''[Steven starts laughing, with a light blue colored sock being blown away]''
:'''Steven''': Oh, no! ''[Garnet catches it]''
:'''Garnet''': Don't wanna break up a pair.
:'''Steven''': ''[holds peach colored sock]'' Yeah, you're right. ''[Garnet folds socks into basket]'' They belong together.

=== ''We Need to Talk'' ===
:''[Greg re-watches Pearl and Rose's fusion dance, practices and falls down]''
:'''Greg''': Ah, geez! How'd she get her legs to do that? ''[groans]''
:'''Amethyst''': Hey! ''[looks at face-to-face with Garnet]'' Are you dead?
:'''Greg''': Wha? Uh, no, no. I'm alive.
:'''Amethyst''': Whoa, cool! ''[jumps over Greg, runs to the TV]'' It's us from before!
:'''Greg''': Yeah, I was just... trying to get my head around this fusion dance.
:'''Amethyst''': A fusion dance ain't about your head! ''[laughs out loud]''
:'''Greg''': Wait... you guys are Gems. You gotta help me out here. I need to be able to fuse with Rose!
:'''Garnet''': First, you need a gem at the core of your being. Then you need a body that can turn into light. Then you need the partner who you trust with that light.
:'''Greg''': Metaphorically?
:'''Garnet''': Literally.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[whispers]'' Shh! Come on! I still wanna see him try!
:'''Greg''': Ugh, so it's true. I really can't do it. ''[touches his face]'' I'm kidding myself with this! I'm never gonna be a Gem... ''[Garnet looks down and picks up a twig]''
:'''Garnet''': Amethyst... give us some privacy! ''[throws it far away]''
:'''Amethyst''': YEAH!! ''[scampers after it]''
:'''Garnet''': Let me tell you something, Mr. Universe. I think you can do it, but it won't work if you dance like Pearl. You have to dance like you. You have to fuse ''your'' way. Get open. Get honest. Invent yourselves together. ''[lowers her shades and winks left of her three eyes]'' That's fusion.
:'''Greg''': EYE—think I get it.

=== ''Chille Tid'' ===
:'''Steven''': &quot;Sleep is a curse, and yet a curse I need to live&quot;—Steven Universe.
----
:'''Garnet''': Let me show you how it's done. ''(She falls over, stiff as a board)''
:'''Pearl''': That's pretty convincing.
----
:'''Steven''': Lapis!
:'''Lapiz Lazuli''': No. I'm ''not'' Lapis anymore. We're Malachite now.

=== ''[[w:Cry for Help (Steven Universe)|Cry for Help]]'' ===
:'''Garnet''': It's as I feared.
:''[The Communication Hub is glowing and shooting a beam of light towards the sky]''
:'''Pearl''': It looks like Peridot somehow repaired the Communication Hub. Well, at least some of it.
:'''Steven''': So... we just gotta wreck it up again, right? (''to Amethyst'') You guys should form Sugilite!
:'''Amethyst''': (''smiling a bit'') Yeah... Well, it's up to Garnet, I guess. (''smiling widely, to Garnet'') What do you say? ''[Pearl looks scared in the background]'' Shall we mash it up?...
:'''Garnet''': No.
:'''Amethyst''': But, don't we need to be huge like last time?
:'''Garnet''': Last time was a disaster. Last time we fused, Sugilite went berserk. It's because of her that we can't even warp here anymore. (''takes off her visor'') I can be brash, you can be reckless. And we can both get carried away. So, for the time being, ''[She puts her visor back on and Amethyst's reflection can be seen in them]'' Sugilite is benched. What we need now is to be careful. ''[Steven gasps]'' It's you and me, Pearl. Let's fuse. ''[Pearl looks astonished as she begins to tear up]'' Don't cry, Pearl. ''[Pearl tries to not cry and quivers as she strongly breathes in through her nose, sniffling thickly]'' Come on, let's do this.
:'''Pearl''': I'm right behind you. (''sniffling'')
:'''Steven''': (''running towards them'') Woo-hoo! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! *sits to the left of Lion* (''Amethyst walks over'')
:'''Garnet''': (''gemstones glow'') Ready.
:'''Pearl''': (''grunts; stretches'') Hang on, it's been such a long time.
----
:'''Sardonyx''': Gooooood evening, everybody! (''struts over to Lion, Steven, and Amethyst and does a twirl'') This is the lovely Sardonyx! Coming to you ''a-live'' from the soon-to-be-former Communication Hub! How are y'all doin' tonight?
:'''Amethyst''': (''sarcastically'')  Great...
:'''Steven''': (''gasps'') Giant woman!
----
:'''Amethyst''': ''Maybe you're better off with her / I think she's better for you / I forgot how great it felt to be us / Guess I got carried away. / I had to use you to make me feel strong / But I don't care about that now / I see a tower built out of my mistakes / And it all comes crashing down. / Is there something I can doo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo / Can I make it up to you?''
----
:'''Amethyst''': Stop!
:'''Pearl''': Is something the matter, Amethyst?
:'''Amethyst''': You... you shouldn't.
:'''Steven''': Pearl, we saw you.
:'''Pearl''': (''shocked'') What?
:'''Steven''': You need to tell Garnet it was you!
:'''Garnet''': I don't understand.
:'''Pearl''': I'm sorry. It's just... so much fun being Sardonyx with you.
:'''Garnet''': ''[drops Pearl to the ground]'' ''That's'' why I couldn't see us finding Peridot.
:'''Pearl''': Wait, let me explain!
:'''Garnet''': You've been fixing the hub!
:'''Pearl''': It really was Peridot! The first time.
:'''Garnet''': You ''tricked'' me!
:'''Pearl''': No! No, no, no, no! We just needed a reason to fuse! I just wanted to share a few more victories with you!
:'''Garnet''': Those weren't ''victories''!
:'''Amethyst''': Wait, Garnet! You know, we're so much weaker than you! Fusing with you is like our one chance to feel... ''stronger''!
:'''Garnet''': Don't defend her! Peridot is out there somewhere and Pearl's been distracting us with... ''nothing''!
:'''Pearl''': Garnet...
:'''Garnet''': ''[angrily points at her]'' That's enough! ''[to Amethyst]'' Amethyst, fuse with me!
:'''Amethyst''': But-!
:'''Garnet''': (''clenching her fist'') Let's just get this over with.

=== ''Keystone Motel'' ===
:'''Steven''': Pearl! Where have you been?!
:'''Pearl''': Looking for Peridot… For a few days straight. Steven, I know I might have… disappointed all of you. I know Garnet's very upset with me. But I'm going to prove to her that she can trust me again. ''[Garnet walks in through the front door]'' Oh! Garnet! I was just looking for Peridot! She's bound to be somewhere, right? Any new ideas? ''[Garnet says nothing and walks past her]'' I'm sorry
----
:'''Garnet''': ''[agitated, panting]'' Calm down... I don't feel like forgiving Pearl!... You don't understand, you must... If you're not going to listen, then you can just GO! ''[splits into Ruby and Sapphire]''
:'''Sapphire''': ''[calmly]'' We must move past this, Ruby.
:'''Ruby''': ''[furiously]'' She ''lied'' to us so we'd form Sardonyx! She ''tricked'' us! Don't you feel used?!
:'''Sapphire''': You're choosing to take it personally.
:'''Ruby''': IT'S ''FUSION'', SAPPHIRE! WHAT'S MORE PERSONAL TO US THAN ''FUSION?!''
:'''Sapphire''': I know you're still upset...
:'''Ruby''': Oh, so it's just me?!
:'''Sapphire''': Of course not. Can't you see I'm completely engulfed with rage?
:'''Ruby''': Well, it doesn't feel like it!
:'''Sapphire''': The sooner we forgive Pearl, the better it will be for us all.
:'''Ruby''': YOU'RE NOT AS ABOVE THIS AS YOU THINK YOU ARE! 
----
:'''Sapphire''': ''[about Ruby, while she shakes the table]'' This will pass. She'll eventually just burn herself out.
:'''Ruby''':  ''[angrily]'' THAT'S WHAT ''YOU'' THINK! '''I AM AN ETERNAL FLAME, BABY!''' ''[flips the table]''
:''[while Greg talks to Steven, arguing with each other simultaneously]''
:'''Ruby''': You don't know me!
:'''Sapphire''': How could I possibly not know you? We always fuse! We always fuse, what are you even going on about fusion?
:'''Ruby''': Look at you! ''[laughing]'' You don't even know yourself! Ha! 
:'''Sapphire''': So don't act so ridiculous. 
:'''Ruby''': ''I'm'' ridiculous?!
:'''Sapphire''': Yes, yes.
----
:'''Steven''': I was so happy when Garnet said she wanted to go on this trip with me and Dad! Home's been awful! Here's been awful! I thought you wanted to have a fun time, but everyone's been acting awful too! It... it just came with us! I don't understand! Is it... is it me?
:'''Ruby''': ...No! Steven, it's all us!
:'''Sapphire''': But we made him feel like it was his fault... I keep looking into the future, when all of this has already been solved, as if it doesn't matter how you feel in the present! ''[starting to cry]'' No wonder you think I don't care...!
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire... No, nonononono! This is all my fault, I... I didn't want to look for a solution, I... I just wanted to be mad! You're right! You're always right! I was being stupid!
:'''Sapphire''': I don't think you're stupid!
:'''Ruby''': I'm... sorry. ''[gently brushes Sapphire's hair aside, revealing her sad eye]''
:'''Sapphire''': You honestly think I'm not upset about what happened? I was just... trying to do the right thing.
:'''Ruby''': I know... ''[starts smiling]'' You know what's nice about being split up?
:'''Sapphire''': What?
:'''Ruby''': I get to look at you...
:'''Sapphire''': ''[pushes her off, laughing]'' Be serious!
:'''Ruby''': ''[hugs Sapphire]'' There's my Laughy Sapphy!
:'''Sapphire''': Shh! You're embarrassing me in front of Steven! ''[cut to Steven, feeling awkward at the scene]''

=== ''Historical Friction'' ===
:'''Steven''': Hey, Pearl! ''[sees a desolate Pearl sitting on the couch, looking at the ceiling]'' Pearl?
:'''Pearl''': ''[jumps up]'' Steven! You're back!
:'''Steven''': Yeah... ''[sits down]'' Show business is rough.
:'''Pearl''': Is there something I can help you with?
:'''Steven''': Not unless you can make William Dewey interesting.
:'''Pearl''': How do ''you'' know William Dewey?
:'''Steven''': I'm gonna be him in this play! But he's totally boring! He's perfect and he never makes mistakes.
:'''Pearl''': ''[sigh]'' Wish I could say the same for myself.
:'''Steven''': Yeah, but nobody's like that! Everybody gets stuff wrong, and then you have to keep going and it's hard, which is why it's great when you never stop trying!
:'''Pearl''': ..When did you get so smart?

=== ''Friend Ship'' ===
:''[Steven and the Gems enter a room in the ship. Peridot appears on a projected screen]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' You Gems really are as dull as dirt!
:'''Pearl''': You're the dull one if you thing you can fly this wreck!
:'''Peridot''': ''[pauses]'' What? Can you speak louder? Some of these communicators are gunked up.
:'''Steven''': ''[cleans off a microphone, speaks into it]'' Pearl says ''you're'' the dull one if you think you can fly this wreck!
:'''Peridot''': ''[waits for Steven's response to come through] [laughs]'' Fly? I'm not using this vessel to fly. I'm using it to '''''TRAP YOU!''''' ''[a door closes, trapping Steven and the Gems in the room]'' Isn't this nice? No more Crystal Gems running around, messing with my plans, destroying my things. Looks like I've got you just where I want you. How does it feel to be so easily outsmarted, you '''''CLODS?!'''''
:'''Pearl''': No...
:'''Amethyst''': ''[speaks into the microphone]'' Hey, uh, this is Amethyst. I don't appreciate being called a clod, you clo-
:'''Peridot''': Enough talk! Prepare yourselves for annihilation! ''[dramatically hits a button]'' Hiyah! ''[nothing happens, hits it again]'' Hiyah!
:''[the room's laser cannons activate and take aim at Steven and the Gems]''
:'''Peridot''': It works! Yes! '''''DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIIIIE!'''''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Pearl, stop. That isn't helping.
:'''Pearl''': I have to do something. I can't believe I walked us right into Peridot's trap. This is all my… ''[Peridot's hologram disappears as the ground starts to shake]'' fault?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': ''[thru screen]'' Garnet… I'm sorry!
:'''Amethyst''': Wait a sec!
:'''Pearl''': Things weren't supposed to turn out this way... ''[inside, Garnet punches the wall again]''
:'''Garnet''': We'll get outta here somehow.
:'''Pearl''': ''[sighs]'' That's not what I mean! I really wanted to catch Peridot to make up for what I did... ''[Garnet withdraws her gauntlets]'' I wanted to prove to you that... that everything could go back to normal...
:'''Garnet''': Catching Peridot won't make things go back to normal. ''[thru screen]'' This isn't about Peridot.
:'''Amethyst''': Hey... they're actually talking!
:'''Steven''': Now they can finally work things out!
:''[soon, the gears start to activate and turn and start closing into the trapped two]''
:'''Amethyst''': Not if they get crushed!
:''[both Garnet and Pearl push their unflinching sides]''
:'''Pearl''': Please! Tell me! How can I make you forgive me?!
:'''Garnet''': You can't! You lied to me! You need to learn that there are consequences to your actions!
:'''Pearl''': I'm sorry! I... I couldn't help myself!
:'''Garnet''': ''[kicks opposite side of wall next to Pearl]'' I don't want to hear your excuses!
:'''Pearl''': But it's true! No matter how hard I try to be strong like you, I'm just a Pearl. I'm useless on my own. ''[cries]'' I need someone to tell me what to do.
:''[the walls suddenly stop moving; Both Amethyst and Steven pull her whip on its gears in its place. Garnet and Pearl pause for a beat]''
:'''Pearl''': When we fuse, I can feel what it's like to be you. Confident and secure, and complete. You're perfect. You're the perfect relationship. You're always together, I just... I wanted to be a part of that.
:'''Garnet''': You're wrong! I'm not as strong as you think. I fell apart over this. Ruby and Sapphire were in turmoil over how you deceived me. ''[thru screen]'' I came undone.
:'''Amethyst''': Whoa, that really happened?
:'''Steven''': ''[nods]'' Hm.
:'''Garnet''': It's not easy being in control. I have weaknesses too, but I choose not to let them consume me. I struggle to stay strong because I know the impact I have on everyone. Please understand, Pearl. ''[thru screen]'' You have an impact too. ''[inside]'' There are times when I look up to you for strength. You are your ''own'' gem. You control your destiny. Not me, not Rose, not Steven. But you must choose to be strong, so we can move forward. So I can trust you again.
:'''Pearl''': I understand. I can't give up anymore!
:'''Garnet''': Good.

=== ''Nightmare Hospital'' ===
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': ''[sighs]'' I had a rough day at work and I'm not in the mood for any more surprises.
:'''Connie''': Whatsyjf happened at work?
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': There was a really strange case at the hospital today, straight out of a ''nightmare''. ''[beat]'' Oh, don't worry, the rules of doctor-patient confidentiality keep me from sharing the graphic details, but... Hang on a moment. When did we get a coat rack?
:'''Connie''': Oh, no...
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': A ''SWORD''?! Connie, where did you get this?!
:'''Steven''': I-it's—
:'''Connie''': I found it! I just... found it outside and I wanted to show it to Steven.
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': How could you possibly think this is okay?!
:'''Connie''': It's—
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Do you know how many children I see everyday in the hospital who've cut their faces off playing with swords?!
:'''Connie''': I—
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': NONE!! Because they all have parents who love them, and who don't let them play around with deadly weapons like some kind of gang member! No playing with swords, under any circumstances! ''[her cell phone rings, answers it]'' This is Dr. Maheswaran. Yes, calm down, Stromberg. Another one?
:'''Steven''': ''[to Connie]'' Is she gonna give it back? 
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': All right, I'll-I'll be right there. ''[zips sword in duffle bag]'' I have to go to the hospital. I'll have a talk with your father to calculate just how grounded you are. ''[leaves, comes back]'' And we're using the abacus! ''[leaves again]''
:'''Connie''': I ''hate'' that abacus. Steven, I'm so sorry. She took your mother's sword!
:'''Steven''': Maybe we can get her to change her mind?
:'''Connie''': She never ''ever'' changes her mind. We've got to get that sword back ourselves.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Connie''': Mom... I'm really sorry about lying to you. It started off as a tiny secret, and then I felt like if I didn't hide it, you wouldn't let me see Steven ever again.
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Is that how you feel? Are we too controlling?
:'''Connie''': ..Maybe.
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I just wanted to be a good mother. I... I just wanted to protect you.
:'''Connie''': I can protect myself now! ''[Dr. Maheswaran pauses for a long beat, sighs]''
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Okay. ''[Connie winces]'' We'll... pull back on the rules, and I'll try to keep an open mind about ''[Connie's lenses]'' this, and ''[Lion]'' that, and... him. ''[Steven stays frightened]'' It scares me that you can't talk to me. I need to know what's happening in your life. I... I need to step in when you're in over your head. Would you just promise me you'll stop all this lying?
:'''Connie''': ''[beat]'' That's a rule. ''[they embrace each other]''
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I love you, honey.
:'''Connie''': I love you too, Mom.

=== ''Sadie's Song'' ===
:'''Sadie''': Please, Mom. Don't make me do this.
:'''Barb''': Make you? You said you wanted to sing.
:'''Sadie''': Yeah! I did! I did! I did, I did. Just like I say lots of things like, &quot;Hey, Mom. Swimming looks fun&quot;, then bam! Suddenly, I'm anchoring a 400 meter relay for the Beach City Seals. &quot;Hey, Mom. I thought signing up for softball would be nice.&quot; 6 birthdays later, I'm still getting nothing but kneepads and batting helmets. &quot;Hey, Mom. I wanna sing at this year's Beachapalooza&quot;, and what do I get? THIS! I just thought, for once, I get to do things my way, but you came in and took over everything like you always do.
:'''Barb''': I just wanted everyone to know how talented my daughter is.
:'''Sadie''': THIS is not your daughter.
:'''Barb''': ''[stunned]'' I'm sorry.

=== ''Catch and Release'' ===
:'''Steven''': ''[getting padded by Peridot]'' Why are you acting like this?!
:'''Peridot''': You smashed me into a limbless cloud, you trapped me in your bubble dungeon, and you called me... ''cute''! ''[Steven evades her punch, face-flat on the floor]''
:'''Steven''': I didn't poof you! I freed you! ''[Peridot turns back]''
:'''Peridot''': Why would you make such a miscalculation?
:'''Steven''': Back at the warp pad, what were you trying to say? Why do we need you? What do you know?
:'''Peridot''': What do I know? Everything there is to know about the Cluster, you pebble!
:'''Steven''': Cluster? Wait, pebble?
:'''Peridot''': My mission. The reason why I'm on this sad rock in the first place! I was to check progress on the Cluster! Just in and out, before it hatches. I wasn't supposed to get stuck here! But now it's going to emerge and nothing can stop it, and we'll all be shattered!!
:'''Steven''': Okay, okay, wait, slow down. Now, from the top—emerging, hatching, Clusters?
:'''Peridot''': You wanna know?
:'''Steven''': Yes.
:'''Peridot''': You ''really'' wanna know?
:'''Steven''': Yes?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[in bathroom]'' Hmm... Seems I've discovered some sort of archaic... think chamber. Roomy, with a fresh hint of Earth citrus. ''[lifts toilet seat]'' A perfect crossroads for my escape.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[fiddling the bathroom doorknob]'' It's locked.
:'''Garnet''': Peridot, open the door! ''[flushing sounds are heard]''
:'''Amethyst''': Uh, if you're trying to flush yourself down the toilet, it ''won't'' work. ''[cut to Peridot spinning inside the toilet bowl]'' Trust me, I've tried.
:'''Pearl''': How did she get out?! We bubbled her!
:'''Amethyst''': Maybe we needed a bigger bubble.
:'''Garnet''': My bubbles are fine.
:'''Steven''': ''[sweating nervously]'' I did it.
:'''Pearl''': ''[shocked]'' Steven, why would you do such a thing?!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': I'm tired of playing these games. If we can't fight her, fine. We'll talk. Peridot!
:'''Peridot''': ''[slips off the sink]'' Whoa!
:'''Garnet''': All right, no more fighting. Let's just have a civil conversation.
:'''Peridot''': As if I'd negotiate with you, filthy war machine!
:'''Garnet''': ''[summons gauntlets]'' Okay, let's kick her butt.
:'''Steven''': Wait!
:'''Peridot''': Yeah! Destroy me again! ''[hangs on bath curtain pole with a plunger]'' And have fun trying to talk to me when I'm in a ''bubble''! ''[almost slips off]''
:'''Pearl''': I really hate to say it, but unfortunately if she has information, she's more valuable to us like… this.
:'''Garnet''': This is going to be tricky. ''[hear knobs turning, water splashing]''
:'''Peridot''': H-h-hot hot hot!!
:'''Steven''': You have to turn the knob the other way for cold! ''[later in the kitchen with the Gems]'' Wait, so we're just gonna let her live in my bathroom?
:'''Pearl''': Well, yes. What other option do we have? Keep her outside on a leash?

=== ''When It Rains'' ===
:'''Garnet''': ''[banging on the bathroom door]'' Open the door, Peridot! If this &quot;Cluster&quot; is putting us in danger, you need to tell us what it is so we can stop it!
:'''Peridot''': No! I hate you! I'm not telling you anything about the Cluster!
:'''Amethyst''': Oh, come on. Is it like a big, hunk of granola?
:'''Peridot''': What's granola? 
:'''Pearl''': I'm sure it's not granola. Now, Peridot, I'm sure we can reach some sort of agreement. Perhaps a trade is in order?
:'''Peridot''': Oh, sure. Why don't you just give me back my leg enhancements and my arm attachments with my screen and my log and all my information. Oh, wait, YOU DESTROYED THEM! So, no, I don't think we can reach some sort of agreement!
:'''Steven''': ''[flushing the toilet]'' Okay, Peridot, you can turn around now. ''[exits the bathroom, clears throat]'' Sorry for interrupting your interrogation.
:'''Garnet''': Don't worry about it, Steven.
:'''Pearl''': I swear, Peridot is gonna crack any second now.
:'''Peridot''': I'll ''never'' crack for the likes of you, you… Crystal Clods! ''[laughs]''
:'''Pearl''': ''[angrily]'' Ooh, I got your clods right here, you little…!
:'''Garnet''': ''[puts her hand on her shoulder]'' Hold on, Pearl. If she's not gonna be of any help, let's investigate this thing on our own.
:'''Steven''': I'll come with you.
:'''Garnet''': Sorry, Steven. We're gonna need you to stay here and keep an eye on our…''guest.''
:'''Steven''': Really?
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah. Make sure she doesn't try anything.
:'''Pearl''': Don't worry. She's harmless without her limb enhancers.
:'''Peridot''': I'M NOT HARMLESS!
:'''Pearl''': Oh, hush up!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': These are the early attempts at artificial fusion.
:'''Steven''': That's a lot of gem shards.
:'''Peridot''': We were growing them here at this very site. But these were just prototypes for the final product, a singular giant artificial fusion, comprised of millions of gem shards…the Cluster.
:'''Steven''': Peridot, you're saying there's a giant mutant gem the size of the Earth under us right now?
:'''Peridot''': Oh, no. When it forms, it'll be much, much bigger than the Earth. Right now, it lies dormant, incubating in the Earth's core. But when it emerges and takes its physical form, it will destroy the planet. The prototypes are already emerging. The Cluster is next. If we can't get off this planet, we've got to stop the Cluster! I thought it'd be impossible, but now we have a chance.
:'''Steven''': What is it?
:'''Peridot''': ''[grabs Steven's shoulders and grins malevolently]'' It's you, Steven! ''[she and Steven climb out of the control room]'' Now that you're filled in, we can get to work!
:'''Steven''': Uhh, how am I supposed to help?
:'''Peridot''': Well, you have all the information that we need about Earth and its erratic behavior. Put that together with my expansive knowledge of the Cluster and we just might be able to stop it!
:'''Steven''': No, Peridot, I don't think you get it! Just because I know how clouds work doesn't mean I know how to stop a giant mutant in the center of the earth! Besides, the only reason that I know anything about clouds and rain is because my dad told me.
:'''Peridot''': What are you talking about?
:'''Steven''': I used to be really scared of thunderstorms, just like you. Then Dad explained how rain and all that stuff works, then I wasn't scared of rain anymore.
:'''Peridot''': Well, I'm sure you have other knowledge about how this planet works.
:'''Steven''': Sure, but none of it's going to help us. If we want to stop this Cluster thing, we'll need help from the Crystal Gems.
:'''Peridot''': I said I don't need them! Let's just warp me back to the bathroom, or whatever you call it, and we'll take care of this. If it looks really bad, then we can just ask this &quot;dad&quot; for help, right?

=== ''Back to the Barn'' ===
:'''Peridot''': What is that?!
:'''Steven''': ''[speaking with the Cluster puppet]'' It's the Cluster.
:'''Peridot''': It does not look like that. But it ''is'' real, and it can activate at any moment!
:'''Amethyst''': What a cluster.
:'''Garnet''': That abomination must be stopped.
:'''Pearl''': But how? We'll need to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth, it'll have to-
:'''Peridot''': ''[swats at Pearl, interrupting her]'' Hey! I wasn't finished speaking! What we ''need'' is to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': All right. What we have here in the barn should be adequate enough for us to get started. First, I recommend we organize the component types, and assemble a rough blueprint based off what we have available. Sorry, Steven. It's a lovely drawing, but it won't look like this. ''[Steven stops spinning on the swivel chair, now frowning]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[examines piece of chalk]'' Hmm... Good. Yes, this is adequate. Thank you. You can go now.
:'''Pearl''': ..Uh, what?
:'''Peridot''': Hm? ''[beat]'' Umm, that will be all? ''[claps to her for a beat, whispers to Steven]'' How do you get her to leave?
:'''Pearl''': Excuse me, I am not leaving.
:'''Steven''': Yeah! She's gotta stay here to help us build the drill thing, right?
:'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' No, no, you're confused. A Pearl can't build a thing like this.
:'''Steven''': Why not?
:'''Peridot''': Because Pearls aren't ''for'' this! They're... for standing around, an-and looking nice, and uh... holding your stuff for you. Right?
:'''Pearl''': That's enough! If we're going to work together, you're going to have to listen to me.
:'''Peridot''': Listen to you? ''[starts laughing, turns to Steven]'' Did you teach her to talk like this?
:'''Steven''': What are you talking about?
:'''Peridot''': She's a Pearl. She's a made-to-order servant just like the hundreds of other Pearls being flaunted around back on Homeworld.
:'''Steven''': Wait... There's hundreds of Pearls?!
:'''Pearl''': ''[nervous]'' Well... yes, but—
:'''Peridot''': ''[holding Pearl's sash]'' And she looks like a fancy one, too. ''[Pearl gasps]''
:'''Steven''': Hundreds of Pearls...
:'''Peridot''': So, who do you belong to anyway?
:'''Pearl''': ''[grabs her sash away from her]'' Nobody!!
:'''Peridot''': Then... what are you for? ''[Pearl recoils back]'' Well, you can belong to me for now. Ha! A Peridot with a Pearl? What would they say back home?
:'''Pearl''': Now listen here, you tiny twerp! In case you've forgotten, you're on ''our'' turf now! And I didn't fight a thousand-year war for this planet's independence to take orders from the likes of ''you''!!
:'''Peridot''': Excuse me? I am a natural technician and a certified Kindergartener. I was made for this! You were made to take orders, not to give them!
:'''Steven''': Whoa, whoa, hang on, guys! Now, we can all agree that you are both good at building things, so... can't you just try listening to each other?
:'''Both''': &lt;big&gt;'''''NO!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Pearl''': I'm as good at building things as you! Better, even!
:'''Peridot''': Hah! Name one thing you can engineer better! Go on!
:'''Steven''': ''[whispers]'' Robots.
:'''Both''': Hm?
:'''Steven''': You should build robots. Giant robots! I see a race. A giant robo-race... with prizes. Giant robo-prizes!
:'''Pearl''': You mean like a competition?
:'''Steven''': Yeah! To see who's better at building stuff!
:'''Peridot''': What are these robots you speak of? 
:'''Steven''': They're like those funky marble guys you were sending—only bigger, and you can ride them! ''[makes robot noises]''
:'''Peridot''': Hah! Building one of these robots will be easy!
:'''Pearl''': Well, I can build one faster!
:'''Peridot''': That's what you think!

=== ''Too Far'' ===
:'''Peridot''': ''[talking into a recorder]'' Log date 7 11 2. It's the third rotation of the Earth since commencements of a... collaborative approach to stopping the Cluster.
:'''Pearl''': I've finished drawing up the blueprints for the drill head. Peridot, if you could come take a look at this?
:'''Peridot''': Remind me again why I should listen to you? Oh, right. ''[plays recorder]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] &quot;The Pearl here has developed an aptitude for engineering that I begrudgingly respect. But that doesn't explain the spontaneous singing... crying... singing while crying.&quot; [Amethyst laughs]''
:'''Pearl''': ''[to Steven] [annoyed]'' Why did you give her that?
:'''Steven''': Well, we did destroy all her stuff. I thought it might help make her feel a little better.
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] &quot;Clod!&quot; [fast-forwards] &quot;Mighty clod!&quot; [fast-forwards] &quot;Running out of ways to say clod.&quot;''
:'''Garnet''': All right. I chased away those cows. Now let's get to work.
:'''Peridot''': ''[to Garnet] [clears throat]'' Before we begin, would you mind unfusing? It's making me incredibly uncomfortable.
:''[beat as Steven, Amethyst and Pearl nervously look to Garnet. The scene then cuts to Garnet leashing Peridot to a fence.]
:'''Peridot''': ''[as Garnet walks away]'' What?! What'd I say?! 
:'''Steven''': Did we really have to do that?
:'''Garnet''': Her having free reign of the place made ''me'' incredibly uncomfortable.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;

:''[Steven and Amethyst walk up to a leashed Peridot growling over a microwave]''
:'''Peridot''': I just need some sort of leverage optimizer...
:'''Amethyst''': Leverage optimizer?
:'''Peridot''': That's what I said.
:'''Amethyst''': Ohhh! Ha! You mean you want a screwdriver? ''[laughing]''
:'''Peridot''': Do you have one or not?
:'''Steven''': Uh... ''[hands a screwdriver]'' Why don't you just use this one?
:'''Peridot''': Because it was outside my radius.
:'''Amethyst''': He-hey... Hey, Peridot... ''[points to her nose]'' What do you call this?
:'''Peridot''': A scent sponge.
:'''Steven''': Huh? ''[Amethyst laughs some more]''
:'''Amethyst''': Okay... ''[opens her eye]'' what's this?
:'''Peridot''': Vision sphere.
:'''Steven''': Peridot, that's—
:'''Amethyst''': Wait, wait, Steven! Peridot... ''[waves her fingers]'' these?
:'''Peridot''': ''[getting annoyed]'' Touch stumps.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[points to her foot]'' This?!
:'''Peridot''': Gravity connectors.
:'''Amethyst''': ''This''?!
:'''Peridot''': '''THAT'S YOUR BUTT!!!''' ''[Steven and Amethyst laugh out loud]''
:'''Steven''': Oh, man, Peridot, you're killing me!
:'''Peridot''': I am not! That would violate our truce agreement!
:'''Amethyst''': No, no, no! You're funny!
:'''Peridot''': Funny?

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': The strangest thing is, Amethyst... you think you have to listen to them! ''[laughs]'' You are the one they should put you in charge!
:'''Amethyst''': Ha! That's your best joke yet.
:'''Peridot''': No, really. Pearl is a Pearl. Garnet is a fusion. I don't even know what ''he's'' supposed to be.
:'''Steven''': Hey!
:'''Peridot''': You're the only Crystal Gem that's actually a Gem! 
:'''Amethyst''': Uh... ''[laughs nervously]'' What?
:'''Peridot''': You outrank everyone on your team. They should be listening to you. You're a strong, singular, fully-functional soldier, despite the fact that you're defective.
:'''Amethyst''': ..Defective?
:'''Peridot''': Well, sure. You're small.
:'''Amethyst''': So?
:'''Peridot''': Well, you're not supposed to be! Hold on, wait, wait. Let me guess. ''[points to Amethyst's hole]'' This— ''[runs to hole]'' This is the hole you came out of. Too small, too low, the exit marks look about 500 years newer than every other hole. Hmm... this place must have been empty when you came out. No wonder you have no idea what you're supposed to look like!
:'''Steven''': Peridot... ''[Amethyst holds Steven on the shoulder]''
:'''Amethyst''': What was I supposed to look like?
:'''Peridot''': Well, you're a quartz. They're huge, loyal soldiers. You should be twice your size. Broad shouldered, intimidating, but you simply stayed in the ground too long.
:'''Amethyst''': Are you saying I'm wrong?!
:'''Peridot''': ''[laughing]'' Gemetically speaking, yes. When you think about it it's also... ''[snickers]'' funny! ''[Amethyst feels more enraged]''
:'''Steven''': Amethyst?
:'''Peridot''': Hey, soldier. Maybe you can help me get this hunk of drill off.
:''[Amethyst violently slashes the drill head off of an Injector with her whip]''
:'''Peridot''': See? Look at that! You can do everything a normal quartz can do. Let's head back and shove this thing in Pearl's face!
:'''Steven''': Amethyst? Are you okay?
:'''Amethyst''': Don't worry about it.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;

:'''Pearl''': ''WE LEAVE FOR ONE SECOND AND EVERYTHING GOES OFF THE RAILS!''
:'''Garnet''': I blame the cows.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder]'' &quot;''Log date 7 11 2. This entire planet is backwards. There hasn't been one instance of correct behavior exhibited by anyone of these Crystal Gems. I have concluded that they are all defective. But I am no better. I failed my mission and I'm now working with the enemy. And I can't even get that right. I have apparently &quot;hurt&quot; Amethyst's &quot;feelings&quot;, which was not my intent. If I damaged my standing with the best Gem here, then I've made a serious mistake. I'm still learning. I hope you understand. I want to understand. I'm sorry. [pause] Peridot, Facet 5, end log.''&quot;

=== ''The Answer'' ===
:'''Sapphire''': My Diamond, I have arrived.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond spoke…
:'''Blue Diamond''': Sapphire, tell me what will happen here.
:'''Sapphire''': I foresee the rebels attacking the Cloud Arena. Before they are cornered, they will destroy the physical forms of seven gems, including two of my Ruby guards, and myself. Immediately after my form is destroyed, the rebels will be captured. The rebellion ends here.
:'''Blue Diamond''': Thank you, Sapphire.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond said, relieved.
:'''Blue Diamond''': That's all I needed to know.
:'''Sapphire''': I look forward to speaking with you again once I reform back on Homeworld.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Rose''': ''[off-screen]'' Blue Diamond, leave this planet! This colony will ''not'' be completed!
:'''Ruby Guard''': It's the rebels!
:'''Various Gems''': Who are you?! Show yourselves!
:'''Rose''': ''[floating from above Pearl]'' We…
:'''Rose &amp; Pearl''': …are the Crystal Gems!
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The attack was right on schedule.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The furious crowd closed in around Ruby and Sapphire. They'd never seen fusion of two different types of gems.
:'''Various Gems''': Unbelievable! Disgusting! This is unheard of!
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond's voice cut through the crowd.
:'''Blue Diamond''': The rebels have fled. Sapphire, this is ''not'' the scenario you described.
:'''Sapphire''': This is… not what I saw! I don't know what happened, I…
:'''Ruby''': No! It was me!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Clearly.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Said Blue Diamond.
:'''Blue Diamond''': How dare you fuse with a member of my court?
:'''Ruby''': Forgive me, I…
:'''Blue Diamond''': You will be broken for this!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Both''': ''Where did we go, what did we do?''
:''I think we made something entirely new''
:''And it wasn't quite me and it wasn't quite you''
:''I think it was someone entirely new.''

:'''Ruby''': ''Oh, um''
:''Well, I just can't stop thinking''
:'''Sapphire''': ''So, um''
:''Did you say I was different?''

:'''Ruby''': ''And you hadn't before''
:'''Sapphire''': ''Of course not''
:''When would I have ever?''
:'''Ruby''': ''I'm so sorry''
:'''Sapphire''': ''No, no, don't be''
:'''Ruby''': ''And now you're here forever!''

:'''Sapphire''': ''What about you?''
:'''Ruby''': ''What about me?''
:'''Sapphire''': ''Well, you're here too''
:''We're here together.''

:''Mm-m-m-m-mm''
:'''Both''': ''Mm-m-m-m-mm, hm-m-m-m-m''
:''Mm-m-m-m-mm''
:''Mm-m-m-m-mm...''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' I was back. I was someone and I didn't know who. But I felt I was getting the hang of my strange new form. ''[beat]'' And then I fell.
:'''Fusion''': Ahh! ''[tumbling down a hill and crashes in bushes]'' Ouch... ''[a sword is pointed to her face]'' Aahh! Don't hurt her! Don't hurt... me?
:''[pan up to see Pearl as the sword bearer]''
:'''Pearl''': It's you... the fusion.
:'''Fusion''': We didn't mean to fuse! Well... well, we did this time. We'll unfuse! We-we'll... w-we'll... ''[Rose Quartz comes by]''
:'''Rose''': No, no, please. I'm glad to see you again.
:'''Garnet''': And there they were—Rose Quartz, the leader of the rebellion and her terrifying renegade Pearl.
:'''Fusion''': I don't... upset you?
:'''Rose''': Who cares about how I feel? How ''you'' feel is bound to be much more interesting.
:'''Fusion''': How I feel? I-I feel... uh, lost... and scared... a-and happy. W-Why am I so sure that I'd rather be this than everything I was supposed to be, and that I'd rather do this than everything I was supposed to do? ''[Rose chuckles and smiles]''
:'''Rose''': Welcome to Earth.
:'''Fusion''': C-Can you tell me?! How was Ruby able to alter fate? Or, why was Sapphire willing to give up everything? W-What am I?!
:'''Rose''': No more questions. Don't ''ever'' question this. You already are the answer.
:''[Flashback story ends as Garnet concludes]''
:'''Steven''': So…what was it? The answer?
:'''Garnet''': ''[whispers]'' Love.
:'''Steven''': Wow… I knew it.
:'''Garnet''': So did I.

=== ''Steven's Birthday'' ===
:''[Steven runs and hides to an edge of the barn; he de-ages into his normal state]''
:'''Steven''': Ohhh, geez! If I can just keep this up for the rest of my life, no one will suspect a thi—
:''[he sees wide-eyed Amethyst and Greg staring at Steven for a beat; he drops a piñata stick]''
:'''Amethyst''': What are you doing?!
:'''Steven''': ''[stammers]'' U-uh— well, what are ''[ages back]'' you doing?
:'''Greg''': What are ''you'' doing to your body?!
:'''Amethyst''': Woah, woah, woah... Have you been stretching yourself out all day?!
:'''Steven''': No! I was just... slouching.
:'''Greg''': Why are you doing this? It... really isn't like you.
:'''Steven''': Because, Dad! I can't stay a kid forever! When Connie grows up and becomes president, what is that gonna make me? First Boy?!
:'''Amethyst''': Steven, you can't just keep stretching forever. If you hold it too long, you could really hurt yourself.
:'''Steven''': Yeah, well, I'm half-human so maybe it works different for me! We'll just have to wait and see, right?!
:'''Greg''': ''[sighs]'' Steven...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': ''[trying to cheer up baby Steven but fails]'' My power means nothing to an infant.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Greg, Connie and Amethyst (as a baby car seat for baby Steven) drive up in his van; Connie waves a maraca trying to calm down baby Steven]''
:'''Connie''': How can the Gems not know what to do?!
:'''Greg''': You think they know the first thing about raising a baby? That was all me! But I don't get it. Driving always used to calm him down.
:'''Connie''': But, how do we change him back?!
:'''Greg''': I don't know! Look, Connie, let me take you home. I-I'll call you when this all this gets sorted out.
:''[Connie turns to baby Steven babbling and crying]''
:'''Connie''': W-Wait, no! I wanna stay.
:'''Greg''': Are you sure?
:'''Connie''': Yeah! I just want to be there for Steven. Don't worry, Steven. It doesn't matter to me what age it seems like you are, I wanna hang out with you no matter what. Your dad still has to earn his car wash and the Gems have to do gem stuff, so I'll watch you when they're not around. I can come see you after I'm done training with Pearl, too. Doesn't that sound fun? ''[baby Steven holds onto her finger; coos happily]''
:'''Greg''': Look at that! He finally stopped crying.
:'''Connie''': Well, that's a start. ''[Amethyst clears her throat]''
:'''Greg''': What's up, Amethyst?
:'''Amethyst''': Baby Steven needs changin'.

=== ''It Could've Been Great'' ===
:'''Steven''': ''Life and death and love and birth''
:''And peace and war on the planet Earth''
:''Is there anything that's worth more''
:''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?''

:''Whoahh, come on and sing it with me''
:'''Peridot''': Sing?
:'''Steven''': ''The words relate to the key''
:'''Peridot''': Key?
:'''Steven''': ''If it's a pattern, if it's a pattern''
:''Then just repeat after me.''

:''Life and death and love and birth''
:'''Peridot''': ''Life and death and love and birth''
:'''Steven''': ''Now using mi-fa-mi-mi-fa-mi-ti-la!''
:'''Both''': ''And peace and war on the planet Earth.''
:'''Steven''': Yes, yes! That's it!
:'''Peridot''': That's so easy.
:'''Steven''': Yeah, but that's what's fun about it! You should write something, you should write a song.
:'''Peridot''': About what?
:'''Steven''': Whatever you're thinking.
&lt;hr width=25% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''I guess we're already here, I guess we already know''
:''We've all got something to fear, we've all got nowhere to go''
:''I think you're all '''insane''', but I guess I am too''
:''Anybody would be if they were stuck on Earth with you.''

:'''Steven''': ''[laughing]'' Yes! ''Life and death and love and birth and''
:'''Amethyst''': ''Life and death and love and birth and''
:'''Pearl''': ''Life and death and love and birth''
:''And peace and war on the planet Earth.''

:'''Garnet''': ''Is there anything that's worth more''
:'''Steven''': ''Is there anything that's worth more''
:'''Peridot''': ''Is there anything that's worth more''
:''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': Huh? Hey, Peridot, who is this supposed to be?
:'''Peridot''': ''[runs up and gasps at the mural]'' It's Blue Diamond! Wait. Are they ''all'' here?! Ah, yes! There she is!
:'''Steven''': Who?
:''[They run up to the mural of Yellow Diamond]''
:'''Peridot''': Behold, Yellow Diamond! Isn't she magnificent?
:'''Steven''': Wow! So, who are the Diamonds anyway? They seem like a big deal.
:'''Peridot''': Are you joking me? The Diamonds are the Gem matriarchs! Together, they make up the Great Diamond Authority that governs Homeworld and all the outlying colonies! We live to serve them. ''[Garnet clears her throat and glares down at her in annoyance; nervously chuckles]'' I…I mean, we were all made to serve them, even though some of us don't anymore.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': This is so incredible! Only the most elite can enter these symptoms. We are literally walking in the footsteps of the Diamonds!
:'''Steven''': They must really like stairs.
:''[They enter an upstairs room with only a single mysterious object in the middle]''
:'''Steven''': Hey, what's this room?
:'''Garnet''': ''[continues walking upstairs]'' It's not what we came for.
:'''Amethyst''': Can we hurry it up? This place gives me the creeps.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Peridot brings up a hologram of Earth, which starts eroding to a hollowed-out version with a ring system as Steven and the Gems awe in shock]''
:'''Peridot''': Ta-da! A finished Earth colony. Wow, look at this! Eighty-nine Kindergartens, sixty-seven spires, a Galaxy Warp in each facet, efficient use of all available materials. What were you thinking shutting this operation down?! It could've been great!
:'''Garnet''': No! You're wrong! 
:'''Peridot''': What do you mean? It's perfect. Look at it!
:'''Pearl''': We ''are'' looking at it.
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah, this plan stinks! 
:'''Garnet''': Completing this colony would have meant the extinction of all life on Earth!
:'''Peridot''': But think of the good it would've done! The Gems that would've been made are empire expanded! 
:'''Pearl''': Rose Quartz believed all life was precious and ''worth'' protecting.
:'''Peridot''': Well, if she wanted to protect it, she did a lousy job! There'd be no Cluster if the Earth had stayed a colony! Now there's no colony, and there's gonna be no Earth! So thank you, Rose Quartz, you doomed the planet!
:''[Garnet, Pearl and Amethyst stare angrily at Peridot for a beat]''
:'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! ''[nervously]'' Is there anything that's worth more than— ''[Garnet picks up Peridot]''
:'''Garnet''': You listen to me now. ''[summons gauntlet]'' You were talking about things that you do ''not'' understand.
:'''Steven''': Garnet! Stop, please! It's not worth it. We're done here. Let's just go home.
:''[Garnet drops Peridot on the seat and smashes the control panel with her gauntlet and the hologram dissipates; the Gems start leaving soon after. Steven sighs]''
:'''Peridot''': What'd I say? I'm just stating a fact. The rebellion didn't really save Earth, it just delayed the inevitable.
:'''Steven''': ''[sighs]'' That's not the way they see it. They've spent thousands of years trying to protect the Earth. I thought maybe you finally understood why.

=== ''Message Received'' ===
:'''Peridot''': Wait! I— I wouldn't have called just to waste your time with a report.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You already have.
:'''Peridot''': ''[nervously]'' No, I mean... The reason I called – the ''real'' reason... I believe we should terminate the Cluster.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ...''Why?''
:'''Peridot''': The organic ecosystem creates resources unique to this world. We can't sacrifice all that potential just for one geo-weapon! I'd like to tell you some plans I came up with to utilize the planet without disrupting the local—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I've heard enough! I don't care about potential and resources.
:'''Peridot''': What?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I want my Cluster, and I want that planet to ''die''. Just make that happen.
:'''Peridot''': ...No!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Huh?!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Are you questioning my authority?
:'''Peridot''': I'm questioning your objectivity! My Diamond.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Well! ''[Yellow Diamond stands up]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You are out of line.
:'''Peridot''': I just think—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm not interested in the puny thoughts of a Peridot.
:'''Peridot''': But—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You have disrespected this channel and my time with your presence, and you would do well to—
:'''Peridot''': But—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''Shut your mouth!!'' ''[beat]'' You have failed at every stage of this mission! Your only chance to redeem yourself is to obey this simple order: You are to leave the Cluster to grow. It will tear apart the Earth, and I will take immense satisfaction in erasing that hideous rock off of our star maps! ''Is that clear?!''
:'''Peridot''': I won't do it!! I can tell you with certainty that there are things on this planet worth protecting! ''[Steven smiles]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What do you know about the Earth?!
:'''Peridot''': ''[losing her temper]'' APPARENTLY MORE THAN ''YOU'', YOU... &lt;big&gt;'''''CLOD!'''''&lt;/big&gt; ''[Yellow Diamond suddenly becomes incredibly livid at a petrified Peridot]'' Uhh... Peridot out.
:''[She terminates communication; Steven and the Gems come out from hiding and happily congratulate Peridot]''
:'''Steven''': That was AMAZING! 
:'''Peridot''': ''[sweating and looking devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that...
:'''Steven''': I was so wrong about being so wrong about you! 
:'''Peridot''': ''[still sweating and devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that...!
:'''Garnet''': You thought you could change her mind. 
:'''Amethyst''': Yellow D got torn down by the &quot;Peridactyl&quot;!
:'''Peridot''': ''[sighs and gives the communicator to Pearl]'' Can one of you take this? 
:'''Pearl''': Why? 
:'''Peridot''': Because it can be remotely detonated. 
:''[The communicator starts to glow red; Steven and the Gems panic while Peridot curls up into a ball on the ground]'' 
:'''Pearl''': How do we stop it?!
:'''Garnet''': Just get rid of it!
:'''Pearl''': Err, here, Amethyst! ''[passes it to her]''
:'''Amethyst''': ''WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH IT?!''
:''[She throws it to Steven, who bubbles it; Garnet punches it away into the sky, where it explodes harmlessly]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[still curled up]'' I thought I could reason with her... 
:'''Amethyst''': ''[grinning]'' Yeah, you ''REALLY'' made her mad. 
:'''Pearl''': ''[smiling]'' And then you insulted her to her face. 
:'''Steven''': ''[overjoyed]'' Do you know what this means?! 
:'''Peridot''': I'm a traitor to my Homeworld. 
:'''Steven''': ''You're a Crystal Gem!!!'' ''[hugs Peridot]'' 
:'''Garnet''': ''[smiling]'' Whether you like it or not. 
:''[Peridot starts groaning loudly as the camera zooms out to the whole of Earth]''

=== ''Log Date 7 15 2'' ===
:'''Peridot''': Log date 7 15 2. I can't believe I just did that! I disobeyed my orders and went against Yellow Diamond's wishes! I'm a traitorous clod! I never want to think about what I've done again! ''[stops recording, rewinds and plays the recording; laughs madly]'' And I called Yellow Diamond a clod! Right to her face! ''[falls to her knees]'' I called Yellow Diamond a clod. ''Right to her face.''
:'''Steven''': Uh, Peridot? Are you going to be okay?
:'''Peridot''': ''[enthusiastically with a deranged smile]'' No!
:'''Steven''': It's all going to work out. You're with us now.
:'''Peridot''': You don't understand! I'm protecting a planet I was once trying to destroy! I used to follow every order, every rule. Now I'm a traitor. ''[cringes]'' A rebel! ''[eyes turn to stars] '''A CRYSTAL GEMMMMMMMMMMMM....''' ''[snickers]''
:'''Steven''': Well, that tape recorder seems to be helping.
:'''Peridot''': '''NO IT'S NOT!''' ''[throws recorder at Garnet, who had just entered]'' It's a chronicle of my descent into madness!!!
:'''Garnet''': ''[holding out recorder to Peridot]'' You dropped this.
:'''Peridot''': Get it away from me! Give it to Steven. Return madness to its source!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Log Date 7 11 2. The Steven has given me this Earth machine to replace my communicator log. It looks…extremely primitive. He also said he wanted me to stop calling him, &quot;The Steven.&quot;
:'''Steven''': It's just &quot;Steven.&quot;
:'''Peridot''': I said I'd call him whatever I want. ''[hisses viciously at him; Steven holds up his finger in her face]'' He told me that was rude.
:'''Steven''': Rude.
:'''Peridot''': I guess I'll him, &quot;Steven.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Pearl really tries for some reason and I can appreciate that. Amethyst's company is entertaining as well, but the fused one... ''[sees Garnet for a long beat, she gives her a thumbs up]'' ...eludes me.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': &quot;Jokes.&quot; ''[opens up the joke book; clears throat]'' &quot;Why did the chicken cross the road? The chicken wanted to get to the other side of the road.&quot; ''[laughs]'' What's a chicken?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[recorder]'' Hour 78 of ''Camp Pining Hearts''. ''[saying Percy's line]'' It's the colour war, Paulette. Doesn't that mean anything to you?
:'''Steven''': Uh, you've been here for a few days. Is everything okay?
:'''Peridot''': I've just been... watching your previously recorded entertainment.
:'''Steven''': Is that the same episode from three days ago?
:'''Peridot''': There's more than one?
:'''Steven''': Hmm... nah. Oh, you made a picture. ''[reaches a piece of paper before Peridot snatches it]''
:'''Peridot''': Picture?! This isn't just a picture, Steven! It's a complex chart cataloging the compatible characteristics between campers. Somehow, the rejects at Camp Clod fail to recognize the superior pair that is Pierre and Percy.
:'''Steven''': Well, that's because Paulette likes Percy.
:'''Peridot''': Paulette? Ha! Paulette has no place in the camp's hierarchy. Now, Pierre—Pierre is a brute! Pierre laid waste to the three-legged races! Pierre and Percy present the strongest battle formation! They'd destroy the camp!
:'''Steven''': You got all this from one episode?
:'''Peridot''': It's ''{{w|subtext}}'', Steven. Allow me to explain. ''[cut back to recorder held by Steven]'' &quot;''Well, first of all...''&quot;
:'''Steven''': Ugh, I remember this part.
:''[Steven fast-forwards recorder as we see Peridot speeding through the entire session; Steven soon falls asleep with Garnet now sitting on the couch]''
:'''Peridot''': And that's why Percy and Pierre are objectively the best for each other! ''[Steven slumps down the floor; Garnet gives a thumbs up; Peridot tears up her chart angrily]'' ''GRAHHH!!!''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Steven fast-forwards the tape recorder]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder]'' Okay, go.
:'''Garnet''': ''[thru recorder]'' Log date seven fourteen two.
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder]'' No, you say it seven one-''four'' two! ''[groans]'' Log date 7 14 2. I have attempted a fusion with the fusion Garnet. I had hoped to gain a better understanding of fusion. Instead, I gained a better understanding of Garnet.
:'''Garnet''': ''[thru recorder]'' Wait, keep it on a moment. Steven, you probably shouldn't have listened to Peridot's logs, but I know your curiosity comes from a place of caring. You should give the recorder back to her now. She's going to want to keep it.
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder]'' Wait, what?

[[Category:Steven Universe seasons]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Steven Universe (season 3)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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    <revision>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-27T01:14:32Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1700:C361:A40:511B:C420:E00E:10A4</ip>
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      <comment>/* Super Watermelon Island */</comment>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="49360" xml:space="preserve">----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]]
----
{{italic title}}
The following is a list of quotes from the third season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''.

===''Super Watermelon Island''===
:'''Peridot''': Didn't you feel that?
:'''Amethyst''': Feel what?
:'''Peridot''': The ground shook! This could be the start of the emergence of the Cluster. Stage 1: Slight tremors every quarter hour. Stage 2: Full-scale earthquakes. Stage 3: ''[flips the board that shows a drawn picture of the Earth being destroyed with words that say: '''&quot;CLUSTER EMERGES BYE BYE EARTH&quot;''']'' The Earth is DESTROYED! We're running out of time! We need to drill, right now!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[sitting on mattress with Steven]'' So, Lazuli has Jasper trapped in a fusion? You're joking me.
:'''Steven''': It's true! But Lapis must be getting tired from fighting Jasper for so long.
:'''Peridot''': Just being on a ship with Jasper made me tired. ''[the ground starts trembling, Steven shouts]''
:'''Steven''': Ahh! I gotta help them! But they told me it was too dangerous.
:'''Peridot''': Why don't you just disobey them? They rebel. Isn't that like, your guys's thing?
:'''Steven''': Ah! You're right! Oh, I know! I'll fall asleep and go into a watermelon Steven again! This way, I can help them and be safe at the same time. ''[chuckles sinisterly, falls asleep]'' 
:'''Peridot''': Wow. You are a real anarchist.
:'''Steven''': No one can tell ''me'' what to do. ''[snores]''
:'''Peridot''': Wait! What do I do now? Don't just leave me here! ''[sighs deeply]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Malachite''': Give up! ''[breaks free of water chains, sighs]'' I'm impressed. You really held out.
:'''Alexandrite''': &lt;big&gt;'''''MALACHITE!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Malachite''': ''[gasps]'' They're here! ''[starts groaning, snaps out]'' Stop! Pathetic. Don't you see? We've been holding us back for too long, and for what? If we're going to be this thing together, why don't we have some fun?
:'''Alexandrite''': '''We don't have to fight!! You're outnumbered.''' ''[Malachite grins, raises two huge water-arms]''
:'''Malachite''': I may be outnumbered, but you're out of your depth. I can't wait to tear you Gems apart!
:'''Alexandrite''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''RAAAAHHH!!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Alexandrite''': Hey! Don't forget about me! ''[pulls Malachite in towards her and punches her; then turns Sugilite's flail into Sardonyx's war-hammer and launches Malachite in the sky; turns the war-hammer into Opal's bow and arrow again]'' You two should spend some time apart.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[the Gems and watermelon Stevens hold on as strong earthquakes tremble up Mask Island]''
:'''Garnet''':  It must be the Cluster! Peridot was right! ''[to a watermelon Steven]'' Steven, it's up to you! The warp was destroyed, we won't make it back in time! Wake up! Get Peridot and start drilling! The Earth needs you, Steven! We'll be fine! You can do this. ''[Pearl and Amethyst join her]'' We believe in you.
:''[the crying watermelon Steven nods and closes its eyes as the Gems slowly fade to black]''
:'''Amethyst''': You got this, dude! You know the drill.
:'''Pearl''': Be careful, Steven! Watch each other's backs.
:'''Garnet''': And Steven... we love you.

===''Gem Drill''===
:'''Peridot''': ''[being shaken next to drill]'' If you're done just lying there, maybe it's about time that we ''STOP THE WORLD FROM ENDING!'' Where are the others?!
:'''Steven''': They're stuck on Mask Island! We have to drill without them!
:'''Peridot''': Ugh! Am I the only one who understands the meaning of teamwork?! ''[Steven comes up, and she grips his shoulders]'' Okay. Steven, are you ready to drill down into the planet, to depths never before reached by your species, to stop the Cluster before it forms and save your world?!
:'''Steven''': I don't know!
:'''Peridot''': Don't say that! Say we'll do it together and it's gonna be great!
:'''Steven''': We're gonna do it together and it's gonna be great!
:'''Peridot''': ''Liar!''
:''[Peridot and Steven then scamper into the drill's cockpit as the ground continues to shake]''
:'''Peridot''': Ready or not, we have a mission.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Inside the drill]''
:'''Steven''': All right, bracing for impact!
:'''Peridot''': It's actually two more hours to the Cluster.
:'''Steven''': Oh. Wish I'd brought some tunes.
:''[Looking annoyed, Peridot presses a button, making some quiet music play]''
:'''Steven''': Uh, thanks. ''[short silence; starts to look nervous]'' It's kinda... freaky down here, huh?
:'''Peridot''': Why's that?
:'''Steven''': It's just dark, and cramped, ''[shuddering]'' and, uh... I can't even... uh, stretch out. ''[they are both disturbed by a brief rumbling]'' How'd you think you were gonna get everyone in here anyway?
:'''Peridot''': I don't know. They'd... shrink or something.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[As it appears that the Cluster will take form and destroy the Earth]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[terrified]'' Steven, I'm sorry I couldn't save you, or the billions of other lifeforms who matter far, far less to me! Do you have any last words?!  
:'''Steven''': ''[hugging her]'' I love you, Peridot.   
:'''Peridot''': ''[emotionally]'' Wow... .thanks... ''[hugs him back]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''The Cluster''': Want to stay... But... Can't stop! Going to form! Can't stop! Going to form! Help! Help! Help!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After Steven helps the Cluster bubble itself]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[hugging him]'' You did it!  
:'''Steven''': We did it together. And it was great.
:''[The other Gems arrive, with an unconscious Lapis]''
:'''Steven''': Guys! You're back! I-is Lapis okay?  
:'''Garnet''': She'll be fine.
:'''Pearl''': ''[concerned]'' You look happy! Uh, did you destroy the Cluster?
:'''Steven''': No, I talked to it.
:'''Pearl''': What?  
:'''Steven''': It doesn't want to destroy the Earth. It just wants company. And it's got it now! It's like a bajillion people! They'll have lots of time to get to know each other, now that they're in a bubble.  
:'''Pearl''': ''[utterly astonished]'' How on ''Earth'' did you bubble that ''whole thing?!''  
:'''Steven''': We had a little help.
:''[The Cluster is shown again, still peacefully contained in its bubble]''

===''Same Old World''===
:'''Lapis''': For a moment, I really felt like things were different... but they're not. No matter where I go, I'm trapped.
:'''Steven''': But you're not. You're not underwater. You're not in a mirror. This time, you're free!
:'''Lapis''': But I'm still on Earth!
:'''Steven''': Yeah, but nothing is still on Earth. Everything's always changing—the leaves, the cities... even Jersey changes. My dad says the rest stops used to be pretty gross, but now they have sushi! This isn't the same world that held you prisoner - not anymore. And I know it doesn't feel like home, but maybe that can change too. I know you can't go back to Homeworld, but if you stay here, it'll be your choice to stay here.
:'''Lapis''': It's funny... For all the time I spent on Earth, I barely saw any of it.
:'''Steven''': That's not funny. That's super sad.

===''Barn Mates''===
:'''Peridot''': And then I'll say, &quot;Hey, as one refugee to another, it isn't so bad that we can't go back to Homeworld, am I right? Why don't we watch the sun come up and figure out what we're going to do with all this time, eh Lazuli?&quot; And then she'll say, &quot;Yes Peridot, as impressed I was by you on the ship, I am even more impressed with your new compact look and capacity for friendship! I'm so glad we're going to live together!&quot; Peridot, Facet 5. (''ends her log'') Let's begin.
:'''Lapis''': ''[amused]'' This isn't gonna work.
:'''Peridot''': Wait, what?
:'''Lapis''': I really thought I would be living alone here.
:'''Steven''': Yeah, but this is even better! Oh here, how about this? I saw this on an episode of a TV show! I didn't see how it ended, but I'm sure it worked out right. We'll divide this place in half, you'll both have your own space. (''takes out a marker from his left pocket and opens the cap; divides the barn into 2 non-equal parts using the marker'') High ceilings, real wood floors, convenient location on the heart of the country. So what do you think, roomies?
:'''Peridot''': I like the cut of your gem, Steven Quartz!
:'''Lapis''': No. No way!
:'''Peridot''': What's the problem? You're the one getting all the good stuff! You've got the propeller and paint cans on your side! You can do tons with those! oooh, actually, I want the paint cans - you wanna trade something?
:'''Lapis''': I don't care about paint cans. That's not the problem.
:'''Peridot''': Bah...
:'''Steven''': What's wrong, Lapis?
:'''Lapis''': It's ''her''.
:'''Peridot''': Egh?!
:'''Lapis''': ''She's'' the problem. I can't stand the thought of looking at her everyday. She's the one who dragged me back to Earth.
:'''Peridot''': Hey, it wasn't my idea! I was headed to earth and I needed an informant! It should have been a simple mission. Things didn't exactly work out for either of us.
:'''Lapis''': You used me like everyone else did!
:'''Peridot''': But it's not like that anymore! It's different now - I'M different!
:'''Steven''': It's true, Lapis! Peridot has really come into her own since she's been living on Earth.
:'''Peridot''': I sabotaged my own mission! I helped save the Earth, I even yelled at Yellow Diamond! She's probably sending a whole fleet to find me and shatter me right now! I'm kind of a big deal; a big Anti-Homeworld Deal!
:'''Lapis''': Steven, I don't think this is gonna work.
:'''Steven''': Ahhhh, ummmm, maybe we could put up a curtain? (''Lapis gives him a patient smile, but walks out of the barn and flies to the top of the Silo; to Peridot'') Sorry. Thought this was gonna be okay. I forgot the last time you saw each other.. wasn't, so okay.
:'''Peridot''': That was in the ''past''! It's not like that now! UGHHHH!
:'''Steven''': I know.
:'''Peridot''': But obviously she doesn't! She's the one who needs to know! I want ''her'' to understand!
:'''Steven''': Aw Peridot, that's sweet! That's the you you need to show her!
:'''Peridot''': ''[confused]'' Show her my ''sweet''?
:'''Steven''': I got you.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[hands Lapis the letter]'' Steven did the outside, and I did the inside.
:'''Lapis''': ''[opens the letter with an unimpressed look; reading]'' '''&quot;Sorry I interrogated you. You were just full of such useful information. That's a sincere compliment. Peridot.&quot;'''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[on a rubber ring in a miniature lake]'' H-two-oh my gosh. It's a smaller than an average lake!
:'''Steven''': It's from the hole we drilled. Peridot and I sealed it and filled it with water. ''[Lapis pauses for a beat]''
:'''Peridot''': It's a gift for you. You know, 'cause like water's your thing? ''[snickers]'' Pretty good right? The barn's out here in the country, but now you can get your moisture fix whenever. Do all that water stuff you do.
:'''Lapis''': ..Water? Seriously?
:'''Peridot''': Yeah!
:'''Lapis''': You do realize that I spent the last few months trapped under the ocean, right?
:'''Peridot''': Sure! But, I thought—
:'''Lapis''': It was an endless, crushing darkness. Wet and bleak and suffocating. Water was the tomb I lived in for those months.
:'''Peridot''': ''[queasy and terrified]'' Tomb, you say?
:'''Lapis''': Yeah. I'm kinda taking a break from water right now. ''[beat]'' But thanks…for the lake.
:'''Steven''': ''[grimaces]'' Uhh…
:'''Peridot''': Urrgh…
:'''Lapis''': Don't worry, Steven. It's not your fault.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': A pool! What a cloddy idea. Of course she wouldn't like that. There's nothing! Nothing! Nothing!
:'''Steven''': There has to be something. Something, something. Maybe, instead of something ''she'' likes, give her something ''you'' like. A piece of you!
:'''Peridot''': Um…okay. How about my &quot;Camp Pining Hearts&quot; DVD?
:'''Steven''': Which season?
:'''Peridot''': Five?
:'''Steven''': Trash.
:'''Peridot''': I know! Ugh! ''[falls onto the ground with her back; speaks into the tape recorder]'' Log date- whatever. Facet- whatever! WHATEVER! Clearly there's nothing important enough for me to give to Lazuli. At least I have you, tape recorder.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Lapis''': ''[speaks into the tape recorder]'' I don't want your garbage. ''[raises the tape recorder up, crushes it, and drops it onto the ground]''
:'''Peridot''': GUH! What, were you trapped in a tape recorder, too?! ''[Lapis glares enraged at her; frustrated]'' Look, I get it, you know? You're confused. You can never go back to Homeworld. This place doesn't exactly feel like home yet. You're alone! No one could ''possibly'' know what that feels like! Oh, wait, ''I'' do! We're the same! Except… ''[calms down]'' you don't have to be alone. So, tell me, then, what you want from me. And whatever that is… ''[sighs]'' I'll do it.
:'''Lapis''': ''[scowling]'' I want you… TO LEAVE!
:'''Peridot''': ''[visibly hurt]'' Okay. ''[starts walking away]''
:'''Steven''': Lapis, why are you being so mean to her? She's really trying.
:'''Lapis''': Why do you trust her, Steven?
:'''Steven''': Because I know her! Lapis, you're not even giving her a chance. You should have at least gotten to know her before you decided you don't like her. Now it's too late. And she's never coming back again. ''[He and Lapis see Peridot running towards them while screaming]'' Oh, she's coming back again.

===''Hit the Diamond''===

:''[Five Rubies have arrived on Earth; Steven and the Gems hide in the barn]''
:'''Steven''': Whoa, look at 'em all. 
:'''Peridot''': ''[scared]'' I knew it! They're after me! This is the end of the line! 
:'''Lapis''': You really weren't kidding.
:'''Peridot''': I disobeyed a direct order from Yellow Diamond, and I called her a clod…to her face.
:'''Pearl''': Oh, honestly, you call ''everyone'' a clod. 
:'''Peridot''': Yes. But not everyone has command over all the armies of Homeworld waiting for the word to ''shatter me!'' ''[hides under a box]''
:'''Steven''': Peridot! We won't let them get you. ''[lifts the box, revealing Peridot curling up sadly]'' 
:'''Peridot''': Haven't I caused you enough trouble? 
:'''Garnet''': Don't worry, Peridot. It's our sworn duty to protect anything that calls this planet home, and that includes clods like you. 
:'''Peridot''': ''[quietly]'' That's ''my'' word…
:'''Garnet''': Listen up, everyone. I have a plan. Or should I say… ''[holds up her hands]'' ''We'' have a plan? ''[giggles as she unfuses, separating into Ruby and Sapphire]''
:'''Sapphire''': Hello, everyone.
:'''Pearl &amp; Amethyst''': Ruby! Sapphire!
:'''Steven''': ''[runs over and hugs them both]'' Hugs!
:'''Sapphire''': Hello, Steven!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Disguised as a human baseball team]''
:'''Steven''': We're the humans! Steven! 
:'''Pearl''': Earl!
:'''Amethyst''': Amy! 
:'''Lapis''': ''[apathetically]'' Bob. 
:'''Sapphire''': ''[flirtatiously]'' And Sophie...
:''[Saspphire's Ruby blushes]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After a baseball bat is accidentally destroyed, Steven goes to get a replacement from the barn]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[hiding in the barn]'' Hey, how's it going? Are we winning?
:'''Steven''': ''[nervously]'' Ummm, heh-heh...
:'''Ruby''': ''[standing behind Sapphire, guiding her with a bat]'' Now, what you wanna do is lean with your hips. ''[Sapphire swings the bat]'' Yeah, that's pretty good. Let me show you again.
:''[&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby watches them, then glares at Steven]''
:'''Steven''': ''[sweating]'' Well, heh... We're doing just fine. ''[heading back to the field]'' Everything's going to be A-okay...
:'''Peridot''': YOU'RE LYING TO ME!
:'''Steven''': To make you feel better! 
:'''Peridot''': THANK YOU!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After Ruby and Sapphire accidentally refuse into Garnet after the baseball game]''
:'''Garnet''': ''[laughs joyously for a moment]'' ... Whoops.
:'''&quot;Doc&quot; Ruby''': ''[angrily]'' THEY'RE GEMS!
:'''&quot;Army&quot; Ruby''': ''[also angrily]'' WE'VE BEEN TRICKED!
:'''&quot;Navy&quot; Ruby''': ''[in quiet awe]'' What a turn of events...
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': ''[growls]''
:'''&quot;Leggy&quot; Ruby''': ''[confused]'' Huh? W-what?
:'''Garnet''': ''[to the other Crystal Gems]'' Sorry, guys. The game is over.
:'''&quot;Doc&quot; Ruby''': That's it! Rubies... COMBINE!
:''[The five Rubies fuse into a giant Ruby and roar]''
:'''Peridot''': ''WAAAAAAIIIIIIIT!!'' WAIT! STOP! DON'T HURT THEM! ''[rushes out of the barn, trips twice, and runs the rest of the way on all fours, panting]'' Wait, oh please, please! It's ''me'' you're after, right? I'm not gonna stand by and let my friends fight my battles!
:'''Steven''': Awww, Peri loves us! 
:'''Ruby Fusion''': Are you the Peridot assigned to the failed Earth mission? 
:'''Peridot''': ''[nervously]'' Not sure if &quot;failed&quot; would be the right word to--
:'''Ruby Fusion''': Where is Jasper?!
:'''Peridot''': You're looking for... Jasper?
:'''Ruby Fusion''': Correct!
:'''Peridot''': Wait - but I'm the one who betrayed the mission! Who called Yellow Diamond a clod! The new leader of the Crystal Gems?!
:'''Pearl''': What?
:'''Ruby Fusion''': Tell us where Jasper is! ''NOW!''
:'''Peridot''': Jasper... umm... we know where Jasper is! ''[Pearl nervously shakes her head]''
:'''Ruby Fusion''': ''WELL?!''
:'''Peridot''': Uhhhhh....
:'''Steven''': ''[pointing to the sky]'' Neptune! She's on the planet Neptune!
:'''Ruby Fusion''': ''[stares at them suspiciously for a moment, then smiles and shrugs]'' Well, why didn't you say so?
:''[Steven sighs in relief, and the Rubies unfuse]''
:'''&quot;Doc&quot; Ruby''': We all here? One, two, three, four, aaaaand... HA! Five. ''[points to herself]'' To the planet Neptune!
:'''&quot;Army&quot; Ruby''': Let's move out, soldiers! 
:'''&quot;Navy&quot; Ruby''': ''[dreamily]'' What a lovely sounding planet... 
:'''&quot;Leggy&quot; Ruby''': But we just... got here.
:'''&quot;Doc&quot; Ruby''': ''[dragging &quot;Leggy&quot; along]'' Let's go, newbie!
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': ''[glares at the Gems for a moment, then speaks in a strained voice]'' Thank you... 
:''[The Rubies re-enter their space pod and zip into space at hyperspeed]''
:'''Amethyst''': Man... Rubies are ''dumb''.
:'''Garnet''': ''[Star iris closes in on Garnet's face as she smiles]'' Not all of them.

===''Steven Floats''===
:''[Steven jumps higher into the sky while a Dhawar Airlines airplane passes by]''
:'''Air Hostess''': ''[inside]'' The captain has turned on the seat belt sign. Looks like we got some boys in the sky ahead of us.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Amethyst walks to the front door before looking at Steven up high in the sky]''
:'''Amethyst''': Wait, can Steven fly? Yeah, I think I remember that. ''[enters house and closes front door; comes running back outside seconds later]'' No, no, I'm thinking of Lapis! Hey, Steven!! How did you learn how to fly?!
:'''Steven''': Amethyst! Go get help!
:'''Amethyst''': ''Whaaaaat?!!''
:'''Steven''': Ugh, she can't hear me.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[jumps up high]'' Hey, Air Steve!
:'''Steven''': Amethyst, I need you to... ''[she falls back down]'' Dang, too slow. Better ask quicker.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[jumps up again]'' What'd you say?
:'''Steven''': I could really use your assistance dealing with the sudden appearance ''[she falls down]''—aw, rats! ''[she jumps up again; Steven continues]'' —of a power previously was unbeknownst to me ''[she falls]'' which I can't control... Um... ''[she jumps up again, annoyed]''
:'''Amethyst''': Dude, summarize!
:'''Steven''': Go get Garnet!

===''Drop Beat Dad''===

===''{{w|Mr. Greg}}''===
:'''Greg''': ''Bright sunny day don't cost nothing''
:''Light summer breeze don't cost nothing''
:''What do I do with all this money''
:''When the only thing I want is you?''

:''Palling around don't cost nothing''
:''Singing a song don't cost nothing''
:''How do I spend all this money?''
:''I'd rather just spend time with you.''

:'''Steven''': ''You could buy a house and a car''
:'''Greg''': ''I guess that I can but I've already got a van''
:''I could put you through college''
:'''Steven''': But I'm with the Gems all the time!
:'''Greg''': ''Or I could buy you all the finest courses online.''

:'''Steven''': What if we took a trip?
:'''Greg''': Do you think?
:'''Steven''': Yeah, I do! ''We could take a vacation''
:''We could go somewhere new!''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': ''I was fine with the men''
:''Who would come into her life now and again''
:''I was fine 'cause I knew''
:''That they didn't really matter until you.''

:''I was fine when you came''
:''And we fought like it was all some silly game''
:''Over her, who she'd choose''
:''After all those years, I never thought I'd lose.''

:''It's over, isn't it, isn't it, isn't it over?''
:''It's over, isn't it, isn't it, isn't it over?''
:''You won and she chose you, and she loved you and she's gone''
:''It's over, isn't it, why can't I move on?''
&lt;hr width=25% /&gt;
:''War and glory, reinvention''
:''Fusion, freedom, her attention''
:''Out in daylight, my potential''
:''Bold, precise, experimental''

:''Who am I now in this world without her?''
:''Petty and dull with the nerve to doubt her?''
:''What does it matter, it's already done''
:''Now I've got to be there for her son.''

:''It's over, isn't it, isn't it, isn't it over?''
:''It's over, isn't it, isn't it, isn't it over?''
:''You won and she chose you, and she loved you and she's gone''
:''It's over, isn't it, why can't I move on?''
:''It's over, isn't it, why can't I move on?''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''Why don't you talk to each other?''
:''Why don't you talk to each other, just give it a try''
:''Why don't you talk about what happened?
:''I know you're trying to avoid it, but I don't know why.''

:''You might not believe it''
:''You might not believe it''
:''But you got a lot in common, you really do''
:''You both love me and I love both of you.''
&lt;hr width=25% /&gt;
:'''Greg''': Look, if I were you, I'd hate me too.
:'''Pearl''': I don't hate you.
:'''Greg''': But... I knew how you felt about Rose and I stayed anyway.
:'''Pearl''': That wasn't the problem.
:'''Greg''': Then, what was?
:'''Pearl''': She fell in love with you.
:'''Greg''': Well, you know Rose.
:'''Both''': ''[chuckling in tears]'' She always did what she wanted!
&lt;hr width=25% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''I know you both need it, I know you both need it''
:''Someone who knows what you're going through''
:''You might not believe it, you might not believe it''
:''But you got a lot in common, you really do.''

:''You both love me and I love both of you''
:''You both love me and I love both... of you.''

===''Too Short to Ride''===
:''[Steven, Amethyst and Peridot are too short to ride the Appalachian ride; Peridot's hair makes her look taller, but Harold Smiley pushes it down, making her throw a tantrum and wave her fists]''
:'''Harold''': ''[laughs]'' Sorry, guys. Looks like this squad has some growing to do before you can ride.  
:'''Peridot''': I do ''not'' have to grow! This height is indicative of my rarity and importance! I demand entry, you ''CLOD!''
:'''Harold''': ''[clears throat]'' You kids want another lifetime ban?  
:'''Steven''': ''[nervously pulls Peridot away]'' No thanks, Mr. Smiley!  
:'''Amethyst''': Shorty Squad out.

===''The New Lars''===
:'''Steven''': Hey, Lars? why didn't you want to hang out with Sadie?
:'''Lars''': I see her at work. Why do I need to see her on my day off?
:'''Steven''': But aren't you gonna get married, and have kids, and name one of them after his uncle Steven?
:'''Lars''': Oh, let me think…No. Me and Sadie ''aren't'' getting married. We aren't even dating. And if she thinks we are, that's her problem.
:'''Steven''': You're lying. I know how you feel about Sadie.
:'''Lars''': ''You'' don't know what you're talking about, so butt out! ''[walks off]'' Go annoy someone else. You little weirdo.
:'''Steven''': Why can't you just admit you love her?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Lars (Steven) dresses himself up and heads downstairs into the kitchen, finding his parents, Martha and Dante, talking]''
:'''Martha''': No. We can do this, Dante. We have to talk to him.
:'''Lars (Steven)''': Hi, there.
:''[Martha and Dante turn around and notice him]''
:'''Dante''': Oh, there's our boy. How are you feeling?
:'''Lars (Steven)''': ''[sits down at the table]'' Uh…taller?
:'''Martha''': ''[places breakfast in front of him]'' Here you go. Oh, it's good to see you this morning, Laramie.
:'''Lars (Steven)''': ''[smiling]'' Who's Laramie?
:'''Martha''': I mean…Lars. ''[sits down next to her husband at the table]''
:'''Dante''': Now, Lars, we know school is a touchy subject, but we need to talk about this. ''[shows him his grade report]''
:'''Lars (Steven)''': ''[literally reading]'' &quot;F-F-F-F-F-F-B-D-F.&quot; That doesn't spell anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lars''': ''[slowly getting up]'' Mmm… Huh? Sadie? ''[gasps in shock as he notices everyone looking at him]'' How did I get here?! ''[stands up, panicking]'' What are you all doing here?!
:'''Sadie''': Lars, don't get mad.
:'''Lars''': Huh?!
:'''Sadie''': But Steven really didn't mean to…
:'''Lars''': ''[furiously turns to Steven]'' '''''You!''''' What did you do?!
:''[Jenny, Sour Cream, and Buck rush in front of him, defending Steven]''
:'''Steven''': ''[nervously]'' I spent the day… with my mind… in your body.
:''[Lars gasps and screams in shock and disgust]''
:'''Jenny''': Whoa. Where's your chill?
:'''Buck''': Buck is no longer pleased.
:'''Martha''': I'm so sorry. He wasn't like this this morning.
:'''Lars''': I was acting weird all day and you all just '''''LIKED''''' '''IT?!'''
:'''Dante''': Please don't make a scene, Laramie.

===''Beach City Drift''===
:'''Steven''': They told me, &quot;there wasn't enough room on the road for the universe.&quot; And I told them, &quot;the universe ''is'' my road.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Connie and Steven lie down on a car hood by the &quot;It's a Wash&quot; car wash at night; Steven grumpily sighs]''
:'''Connie''': Still mad about Kevin?
:'''Steven''': '''Yes'''.
:'''Connie''': Me too. ''[Steven sits up]''
:'''Steven''': You don't seem mad.
:'''Connie''': ''[sits up]'' I'm thinking mad. I still feel like there's something big I want to say to him, you know? Something to make him think, like we're thinking. 
:'''Steven''': Yeah. Too bad we can't just... race against him—to use the first place ribbon to wipe that smug look off his face!
:'''Connie''': But we're kids. Kids can't drive. That's against the law.
:'''Steven''': We weren't kids when we met Kevin.
:'''Connie''': ''[smirking]'' I smell what you're steppin' in.
:'''Steven''': Ew.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Kevin''': Feel like giving up yet?
:'''Stevonnie''': Ugh! Why do you have to be such a jerk all the time?! ''[Kevin becomes sentimental]''
:'''Kevin''': The truth is, I don't mean to be this way. I-I just lash out because of my little brother. ''[inhales sharply, sighs]'' He's sick. Been sick all our lives. Sometimes I think if I act real cool and never let anyone see my pain, then maybe the pain will go away. And maybe... ''[covers face with his hand]'' I can take his pain away, too.
:'''Stevonnie''': Kevin... I had no idea.
:''[Kevin starts sniffling with his hand still on his face; he slowly starts laughing idiotically]''
:'''Kevin''': Dude! I don't even have a brother! I'm like this because I think it's funny!
:'''Stevonnie''': '''URRRGH!!'''
:'''Kevin''': Chowzers.

===''Restaurant Wars''===

===''Alone at Sea''===
:''[amid the dark clouds, Steven sees Lapis on the stem of the boat staring at the ocean]''
:'''Steven''': Lapis? Um... I have some not-so-good news. There's trouble with the engine, and we might be stuck out here for a while. ''[Lapis sighs. He pauses]'' I'm so sorry! This whole thing is my fault. I just wanted you to have fun, but e-everything's a mess. I-I shouldn't have made you come on this trip. ''[Lapis then walks to the right]''
:'''Lapis''': It's my fault. I'm the one to blame.
:'''Steven''': That's not true!
:'''Lapis''': I'm really trying to enjoy it out here, but... I can't stop thinking about being fused as Malachite. How I used all my strength to hold her down in the ocean, and how I was always battling against Jasper to keep her bound to me.
:'''Steven''': But it's not like that anymore. You don't have to be with Jasper.
:'''Lapis''': That's not it. I... I miss her.
:'''Steven''': ''[shocked]'' What?!
:'''Lapis''': We were fused for so long.
:'''Steven''': But... she's terrible!
:'''Lapis''': ''I'm'' terrible! I did horrible things! I-I broke your dad's leg, I stole Earth's ocean! Go on! Tell me I'm wrong!

===''Greg the Babysitter''===
:''[Greg, Rose Quartz and baby Sour Cream lie down on the beach under a parasol]''
:'''Rose''': You wouldn't believe how long it took me to figure out that this and you are the same thing.
:'''Greg''': ''[beat]'' What do you mean?
:'''Rose''': You're both human! You have to admit, it's a little confusing. You're big and can talk, and he's small and can only make noises. How was I supposed to know you were the same species?
:'''Greg''': ''[chuckles nervously]'' What?
:'''Rose''': I know, it's silly. But then I started to notice that... you grow.
:'''Greg''': Well, can't play guitar with little baby hands. 
:''[Rose giggles and then pauses for a moment]''
:'''Rose''': When a gem is made, it's for a reason. They burst out of the ground already knowing what they're supposed to be, and then... that's what they are. Forever. But you, you're supposed to change. You're never the same, even moment to moment—you're allowed and expected to invent who you are. What an incredible power... the ability to grow up.
:'''Greg''': ''[pause]'' Wow. Those would make some pretty good lyrics. Hold on! Watch Sour Cream a second. ''[runs off]'' I gotta write this down!

===''Gem Hunt''===
:'''Connie''': So, why were there humanoid tracks out there? They weren't ours, and they weren't Pearl's... It couldn't have been the monster, unless it's just some {{w|Scooby-Doo|guy in a monster suit}}. But that kind of thing only happens in cartoons. Usually over a property dispute.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Connie''': All we have to do is follow these tracks. ''[takes a handful of snow and tastes it]'' Yeah. These are fresh. We trail it until it stops to rest.
:'''Steven''': Wow, Connie! You're a wilderness expert.
:'''Connie''': Well, I like to be prepared. When civilization collapses and this world ends, I need to be ready to build the new one.
:'''Steven''': Yeah. I guess if Homeworld invades Earth, things could get pretty crazy for humanity.
:'''Connie''': Forget Gems! Humans are already starting their own demise! Peak oils, Steven! How do we handle terminal decline without alternate energy sources?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jasper''': ''[chuckles sinisterly]'' Hey, Rose, look what I got.

===''Crack the Whip''===
:'''Jasper''': ''[confronts Amethyst]'' I came here to fight Rose, not some runt!
:'''Amethyst''': You think you can just keep showing up and picking fights with us? Hah! Why don't you get a '''life'''?!!
:'''Jasper''': Fighting ''is'' my life! It's what I was made for! ''[points at her]'' It's what you were made for too, runt!
:'''Amethyst''': So? I've got other stuff goin' on. I can fight JUST '''FINE!!''' ''[lashes her whip at Jasper, who catches it easily]''
:'''Jasper''': Well, then... let's see it!
:''[she pulls Amethyst holding her whip, kicks her, spin-dashes her numerous times on the sand. She struggles to get up in front of Jasper]''
:'''Jasper''': You're not even trying. Is it because you know you're already a failure? ''[Amethyst looks up at her]'' You're a quartz soldier, just like me. But you're not like me, are you? 
:''[cut to show Steven, Connie and Lion fighting the corrupted gem monster; Jasper chuckles as Amethyst gets up]''
:'''Jasper''': You're small! ''[begins rapidly punching Amethyst, slamming her down; Steven sees them]''
:'''Steven''': Amethyst?! ''[the monster lunges its hand near them]''
:'''Jasper''': Are you that desperate for troops, Rose, that you keep a defect like this?! ''[Amethyst slowly stands up]''
:'''Amethyst''': Rose said... I'm perfect... the way I am!
:'''Jasper''': Then she had low standards. ''[an enraged Amethyst charges at Jasper with her spin-dash]'' You... could've been me! ''[kicks Amethyst into the air, falls down as she watches Jasper face to face]'' And what are you instead? ''[Amethyst slams into the ground]''
:'''Connie/Steven''': Amethyst! ''[a badly bruised Amethyst looks back at Jasper]''
:'''Jasper''': Just a joke.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jasper''': ''[shocked to see Steven and Connie fused into Stevonnie]'' You fused?!
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[catches Amethyst's gem]'' Whoa! I did!
:'''Jasper''': You Crystal Gems would even fuse with a human?!
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[facing Jasper]'' I don't wanna hear ANYTHING you say! ''[holds up Amethyst's gem]'' Unless it's &quot;sorry.&quot;

===''Steven vs. Amethyst''===
:'''Steven''': ''[loses to Amethyst on &quot;Lonely Blade&quot; video game]'' That was crazy good, Amethyst! Nice job!
:'''Amethyst''': Knock it off, Steven. I know you let me win.
:'''Steven''': ''[stammers]'' Wha— ''me''? No, I— pfff... nooo... ''[Amethyst shuts TV off]''
:'''Amethyst''': You weren't even trying.
:'''Steven''': I'm sorry. I just wanted you to feel better. 
:'''Amethyst''': Great, and now you're even more mature than me.
:'''Steven''': Amethyst?
:'''Amethyst''': You're supposed to be the rookie but now you're better than me at everything! ''[sighs]'' Now I'm the worst Crystal Gem.
:'''Steven''': Wha-what?
:'''Amethyst''': Ugh! ''[mutters]'' You know what I mean, Steven.
:'''Steven''': Uhh, not really! I thought you guys ''wanted'' me to be strong. An-and now I am, and you're mad at me?!
:'''Amethyst''': No! I get mad at myself! That's, ugh, the thing I do! I get mad at myself, and then it makes me suck at everything I do even more.
:'''Steven''': ''[sighs]'' Amethyst, you don't suck. You do so many cool things. You have two whips. Two whips! And the dash thing? Amethyst, you're so much better than me!
:'''Amethyst''': No way. You have Rose's shield, and bubble, and the floating thing, and— ''[grunts]'' I'd just be floating all day!
:'''Steven''': Floating? I forget to use that half the time! And the rest of the time my powers aren't even guaranteed to work! I'm... I'm way worse than you!
:'''Amethyst''': Nuh-uh! ''I'm'' the worst!
:'''Steven''': No way, I am! I'll prove it! I'll-I'll fight you, and show you how bad I am!
:'''Amethyst''': Fine! Let's do it!!
:'''Both''': Let the worst gem lose!!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Steven and Amethyst lie down on the floor for a beat, they start up laughing amongst themselves]''
:'''Steven''': What's wrong with us? ''[continues laughing]''
:'''Amethyst''': Well, I know what's wrong with me. I'm not supposed to be small. And everyone's always acting like there's no problem. &quot;You can be anything you wanna be!&quot; No, I can't! ''[sighs]'' I can't even be the one thing I'm supposed to be, you know?
:'''Steven''': Of course I do. I'm... not Rose Quartz.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[hits her face]'' Oh no! Oh, Steven—
:'''Steven''': Why do you think I've been working so hard?
:'''Amethyst''': Well... it's paying off.
:'''Steven''': ''[chuckling, gets up]'' I sure hope so.
:''[Amethyst sees Steven holding out his hand to her, smiles. She swings her arm but misses, laughing; she misses again before she finally catches his hand. She gets up and laughs with Steven]''
:'''Amethyst''': Thanks, Steven. ''[Pearl gasps in horror at the entrance]''
:'''Pearl''': What did you two do?! You've ruined the ruins!
:'''Amethyst''': Whoops.
:'''Steven''': I don't think we're gonna see the prize pouch for a while.

===''{{w|Bismuth (Steven Universe)|Bismuth}}''===
:''[Steven and the Gems take Bismuth to the strawberry battlefield]''
:'''Garnet''': Homeworld's final attack on Earth wiped out all of the Crystal Gems.
:'''Pearl''': Rose was able to protect Garnet and myself, and by the looks of it, she was able to protect you as well. ''[Bismuth picks up a rusty battle-axe]''
:'''Bismuth''': I knew those Homeworld elites were twisted. How many of us did they shatter? Crazy Lace? Biggs?! Snowflake?! If I was there, I-'''I coulda stopped it!!'''
:'''Garnet''': It's not like they've stopped trying.
:'''Bismuth''': What's that?
:'''Garnet''': Homeworld still has its eyes on this planet.
:'''Pearl''': We continue to thwart their plans over and over. ''[Steven runs over followed by Amethyst]''
:'''Steven''': But they just keep coming back!
:'''Amethyst''': Yep. They want us bad.
:'''Bismuth''': Good. I thought I wouldn't get another chance to show those upper-crusts who's ''boss''! Let's show 'em what happens when you mess with the Crystal Gems! ''[slams battle-axe to the ground with a loud roar; Steven smiles]''
:'''Steven''': Yeah.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Bismuth''': Rose Quartz changed my life. I came to Earth thinking this was just another colony. Build another arena for important fighters to fight in, build another spire for important thinkers to think in, and then I met her. Just another quartz soldier, made right here in the dirt, but she was different. And she was different because she decided to be. And she asked me what I wanted to build, and I'd never heard that before. And Gems never hear they can be anything other than what they are, but Rose opened our eyes.
:'''Steven''': Everybody always tells me how great Mom was. I just don't feel like I can ever measure up to her. ''[Bismuth chuckles out loud]''
:'''Bismuth''': I can't believe this... that I'm the one giving the pep talk to Rose's... Rose's...?
:'''Steven''': Son.
:'''Bismuth''': Right. You are different. That's what's so exciting. You don't have to be like Rose Quartz. You can be someone even better. You can be you. And you know what? You deserve an even better weapon.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Steven walks to a severely injured Bismuth holding the Breaking Point]''
:'''Steven''': Bismuth... this has to stop.
:'''Bismuth''': So what are you gonna do, shatter me?! ''[grabs Breaking Point to her gemstone]'' Go ahead! &lt;big&gt;'''JUST ''DO IT''!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Steven''': ..No! Even if we don't agree, nobody deserves this! ''[Bismuth pauses, yanks Breaking Point from Steven. He steps back, stops at Rose's sword, draws it out as Bismuth advances—SHING!!]''
:''[for a long beat, Steven sees Bismuth impaled holding Rose's sword]''
:'''Bismuth''': ..You shoulda shattered me back then. At least if I were in pieces, I wouldn't have to know how little I mattered to you. You didn't even tell 'em. You bubbled me away and didn't ever tell your friends... My friends...
:'''Steven''': I'm going to tell them! I'm gonna tell them everything. ''[Bismuth takes in a surprise, chuckles in her tears]''
:'''Bismuth''': Then you really are better than her.

===''Beta''===
:''[Peridot and Lapis Lazuli are watching ''&quot;Camp Pining Hearts&quot;'' on the truck sticking out over the barn's entrance]''
:'''Percy''': ''[in the show]'' But Paulette, I need you! 
:'''Peridot''': Oh, get over it, Percy. Go make another friendship bracelet. 
:'''Lapis''': Seriously.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': Wow, you guys are looking good. And I love what you did to the barn! 
:'''Peridot''': Aww, I know. But wait, wait - you guys ''have'' to see the inside! Lapis, fly us in! 
:'''Lapis''': ''[smiling]'' Nnnno.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Inside the barn]''
:'''Amethyst''': You did all this stuff on purpose? Like, you didn't just knock over a bunch of paint cans and go, &quot;Eh, just leave it&quot;?
:'''Peridot''': Oh, no. This was all very intentional. You see, I had this idea: What if we made music, but instead of sounds, we use things!
:'''Amethyst''': That's dumb.  
:'''Steven''': Guys, that's art! 
:'''Peridot''': Art? That sounds ridiculous! 
:'''Lapis''': I've been calling it &quot;meepmorp&quot;.
:'''Peridot''': Let us show you our... morps. ''[chuckles]''
:''[She shows them something made from her broken recorder, some cassettes and a blue ribbon]''
:'''Peridot''': This piece is called &quot;Wow, thanks&quot;. It represents the struggles of intercommunication. The tape is the ribbon that binds our experience on Earth together. It has no functional purpose! It just makes me feel bad! ''[smiles proudly]''
:''[Lapis shows them a baseball bat, mitt and ball hanging from a stick by string]''
:'''Lapis''': Here's my meepmorp. This is a baseball bat. It reminds me of when I played baseball. ''[walks backwards to a leaf sitting on a rock]'' This is a leaf that Steven gave me. It reminds me of the time Steven... gave me a leaf. 
:'''Steven''': Hey, yeah, it reminds me of that too! ''[Peridot grins; Amethyst looks nauseated]''
:''[Next is a TV with two mirrors attached, playing Percy in ''Camp Pining Hearts'' saying &quot;I just feel trapped&quot; over and over]''
:'''Steven''': ''[worried]'' Is this one about... the thousands of years you spent trapped in the mirror? 
:'''Lapis''': No. I just really like that show.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[yelling]'' HEY, LAPIS, ARE YOU OKAAAY??? 
:'''Lapis''': ''[watching ''Camp Pining Hearts'' on the truck again]'' Yeah. 
:'''Peridot''': ARE YOU SURE? 
:'''Lapis''': Yeah. 
:'''Peridot''': I'M LEAVING, BUT I'LL BE BACK!
:'''Lapis''': Okay. 
:'''Peridot''': DO YOU NEED ANYTHING?
:'''Lapis''': No. 
:'''Peridot''': ... WHAT SEASON IS THAT?
:'''Lapis''': Three.

===''Earthlings''===
:'''Jasper''': Pipe down! You take orders from me now! You used to be a Quartz too, didn't you? What happened to you? Tch. Disgraceful. I can't believe I've resorted to recruiting you freaks! You're almost as bad as that Crystal ''runt''! Just look at you. This planet ruins everything! Well, (''chuckles'') except for me.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Jasper''': Every Gem is made for a purpose—to serve the order of the Diamonds. Those who cannot fit inside this order must be purged! To come out misshapen, to reshape yourself outside your purpose, and to defend this worthless, ruined planet is a disgrace!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Steven throws his shield over a towering Injector; Amethyst backs away from Jasper as it falls between them]''
:'''Amethyst''': Steven... I-I can't win. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I work, she came out right, and I came out... wrong.
:'''Steven''': That's just what Jasper thinks! She's the only one who thinks you should be like her!
:'''Amethyst''': But—
:'''Steven''': Stop trying to be like Jasper. You're ''nothing'' like Jasper! You're like ''me''!! Because we're both not like anybody! And yeah, it sucks! ''[Jasper lifts up the Injector and throws it aside]'' But at least I've got you. And you've got me! ''[tearing up]'' So stop leaving me out of this!
:'''Amethyst''': Us worse Gems stick together... ''[sniffles]'' right? ''[Steven holds out his hand]''
:'''Steven''': That's why we're the best.
:''[Amethyst takes his hand, and they hug - and fuse]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[After briefly fusing with a corrupted Gem, the corruption spreads slowly in Jasper's left arm]''
:'''Peridot''': Eww, that's disgusting!
:'''Smoky Quartz''': It's... corruption. ''[separates back into Steven and Amethyst]''
:'''Amethyst''': Steven, be careful.
:'''Steven''': But this just happened - maybe I can do something! Jasper, it's okay. I'm here. ''[starts approaching her]''
:'''Jasper''': ''[snarling]'' Rose... 
:'''Steven''': I'm not Rose, I'm Steven. I just wanna try and heal you. ''[licks his palm and reaches for her -  but she slashes at him, tearing his shirt]''
:'''Amethyst''': Steven!! 
:''[Peridot unsuccessfully tries to mentally move the metal rod again]'' 
:'''Steven''': ''[as Amethyst tries to charge at Jasper]'' Stop! 
:'''Jasper''': ''[chuckles]'' I see how you do it now, Rose... You want Gems after they're worthless. You wait until after they've lost! Because when you're at the bottom... you'll follow ''anyone'' that makes you feel like less of a failure. ''[as Peridot rushes over]'' Huh... Just look at this one! You've stripped her of everything! Her limb enhancers, her status, her dignity...
:'''Peridot''': I still have one of those things. 
:'''Jasper''': ''How can you side with Rose Quartz?!'' Why? Why protect this useless shell of a planet?! 
:'''Peridot''': It's not a shell. There's so much life, living here. ''[smiling]'' That's what ''I'm'' doing! I'm living here! I've been learning new things about myself all the time! Like how I can make metal do my bidding! ''[tries to show this off, but the rod just falls behind her]'' The point being: Earth can set you free. ''[Steven smiles]''
:'''Jasper''': ''[angrily, as the corruption spreads rapidly in her body]'' Earth... is a prison! I got out because I'm better than this place...!
:'''Steven''': It's getting worse. 
:'''Jasper''': I only came back to finish you off...!
:'''Steven''': Try not to move!
:'''Jasper''': ''You can't manipulate me, Rose Quartz!'' 
:'''Steven''': I-- I'm not manipulating! I'm trying to help! 
:'''Jasper''': Help...? ''HELP?!'' I've been fighting from the second I broke free of the Earth's crust! Because of what ''YOU'' did to my colony! Because of what '''YOU''' did to my planet! Because of what '''YOU''' did to my Diamond! 
:'''Steven''': ''[confsed]'' I... Yellow Diamond? 
:'''Jasper''': Wha...?! ''MY'' DIAMOND! ''YOUR'' DIAMOND! &lt;big&gt;'''''PINK DIAMOND!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Her corruption worsening, Jasper becomes barely recognizable and looks ready to attack; Peridot finally gets the metal rod to move, plunging it into Jasper and making her poof]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[after a brief silence]'' You're... welcome.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[smiles, then walks over to Jasper's gem and sighs]'' Come here, sis. ''[bubbles her]''

===''Back to the Moon''===
:''[the Rubies walk up the moon base stairway followed by Amethyst (as Jasper), Pearl, Garnet and Steven]''
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': The Earth was Pink Diamond's colony. Everything was going smoothly at first. Kindergartens were incubating their first soldiers—big, warm pieces of quartz, like this mountain over here—were being created from its rich minerals with great success. Then, bam! One of Pink Diamond's very own quartz soldiers started a rebellion and took it too far. Where were you when that happened?
:'''Amethyst''': Oh, you know... around. ''[&quot;Eyeball&quot; turns to Amethyst]''
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': I was there. I saw it with my own eye. I watched the leader of the Crystal Gems, Rose Quartz... ''[projects her light on the mural]'' shatter Pink Diamond!
:''[Steven looks up in his horror; Garnet is frozen still for a beat, Pearl starts shivering in fear]''
:'''Steven''': No... ''[beat]'' Rose Quartz w-would never do that! ''[tearing up]'' A-And, sure, she had to fight but... But she would never shatter someone!

===''Bubbled''===
:''[Steven (in his bubble) and &quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby drift in space far away from the Earth]''
:'''Steven''': There goes the Earth.
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': There goes my whole platoon! ''[growls at him]'' This is a mess! ''[walks around his bubble]'' What'll I say about my report?! How will I even ''make'' my report?! This is a nightmare! ''[looks down at him]'' And this is all ''your'' fault.
:'''Steven''': Whoa, hey, no it's not! You were trying to hurt my friends!
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': But you opened the airlock in the moon base. ''You'' sent us flying into space with no hope of ever returning!
:'''Steven''': ''[long pause]'' Okay, so maybe that was my fault. I'm sorry. There! Are you happy?
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': No! Lucky you're in that bubble, or I'd pop you right in the face.
:'''Steven''': Well, if you're going to be a grump about it, then we can just float in silence until we both die!
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': Sounds great!
:'''Steven''': Fine!
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': I can't wait!!
:'''Steven''': Me neither!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': When I heard rumors there might still be Crystal Gems on Earth, I couldn't believe it. A thousand years of fighting were all for nothing! And Rose Quartz might still be alive? ''[scoffs, rolls on her side]'' She must be. Why else would someone as important as Jasper be back on Earth? For closure, that's why. I wanted it, too. I wanted to see Rose Quartz with my own eye. At the very least, I thought Jasper might have some answers, but... it wasn't even her. Just another trick.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': How come nobody told me about Pink Diamond?
:'''Garnet''': We all did what we had to during the war. Everything's different now.
:'''Steven''': But did Mom really do it? Did she really... shatter her?
:'''Garnet''': She had to. The Earth belonged to Pink Diamond. Destroying her was the only way to save the planet. For Amethyst to be herself, for Pearl to be free, for me to be together. ''[clutches her hand]'' For you to exist.
:'''Steven''': But I thought... a-at least she'd never—
:'''Garnet''': She didn't always do what was best for her. But she always did what was best for Earth.
:'''Steven''': Even... if it meant shattering someone?
:'''Garnet''': Yes.
:''[Steven pauses, takes a deep breath and sighs as the Gems pilot the Rubies' Roaming Eye back to Earth]''
:'''Steven''': Thanks for telling me.

[[Category:Steven Universe seasons]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3147956</id>
      <parentid>3147955</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T01:14:56Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1700:C361:A40:511B:C420:E00E:10A4</ip>
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      <comment>/* Super Watermelon Island */</comment>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="49360" xml:space="preserve">----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]]
----
{{italic title}}
The following is a list of quotes from the third season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''.

===''Super Watermelon Island''===
:'''Peridot''': Didn't you feel that?
:'''Amethyst''': Feel what?
:'''Peridot''': The ground shook! This could be the start of the emergence of the Cluster. Stage 1: Slight tremors every quarter hour. Stage 2: Full-scale earthquakes. Stage 3: ''[flips the board that shows a drawn picture of the Earth being destroyed with words that say: '''&quot;CLUSTER EMERGES BYE BYE EARTH&quot;''']'' The Earth is destroyed! We're running out of time! We need to drill, right now!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[sitting on mattress with Steven]'' So, Lazuli has Jasper trapped in a fusion? You're joking me.
:'''Steven''': It's true! But Lapis must be getting tired from fighting Jasper for so long.
:'''Peridot''': Just being on a ship with Jasper made me tired. ''[the ground starts trembling, Steven shouts]''
:'''Steven''': Ahh! I gotta help them! But they told me it was too dangerous.
:'''Peridot''': Why don't you just disobey them? They rebel. Isn't that like, your guys's thing?
:'''Steven''': Ah! You're right! Oh, I know! I'll fall asleep and go into a watermelon Steven again! This way, I can help them and be safe at the same time. ''[chuckles sinisterly, falls asleep]'' 
:'''Peridot''': Wow. You are a real anarchist.
:'''Steven''': No one can tell ''me'' what to do. ''[snores]''
:'''Peridot''': Wait! What do I do now? Don't just leave me here! ''[sighs deeply]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Malachite''': Give up! ''[breaks free of water chains, sighs]'' I'm impressed. You really held out.
:'''Alexandrite''': &lt;big&gt;'''''MALACHITE!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Malachite''': ''[gasps]'' They're here! ''[starts groaning, snaps out]'' Stop! Pathetic. Don't you see? We've been holding us back for too long, and for what? If we're going to be this thing together, why don't we have some fun?
:'''Alexandrite''': '''We don't have to fight!! You're outnumbered.''' ''[Malachite grins, raises two huge water-arms]''
:'''Malachite''': I may be outnumbered, but you're out of your depth. I can't wait to tear you Gems apart!
:'''Alexandrite''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''RAAAAHHH!!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Alexandrite''': Hey! Don't forget about me! ''[pulls Malachite in towards her and punches her; then turns Sugilite's flail into Sardonyx's war-hammer and launches Malachite in the sky; turns the war-hammer into Opal's bow and arrow again]'' You two should spend some time apart.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[the Gems and watermelon Stevens hold on as strong earthquakes tremble up Mask Island]''
:'''Garnet''':  It must be the Cluster! Peridot was right! ''[to a watermelon Steven]'' Steven, it's up to you! The warp was destroyed, we won't make it back in time! Wake up! Get Peridot and start drilling! The Earth needs you, Steven! We'll be fine! You can do this. ''[Pearl and Amethyst join her]'' We believe in you.
:''[the crying watermelon Steven nods and closes its eyes as the Gems slowly fade to black]''
:'''Amethyst''': You got this, dude! You know the drill.
:'''Pearl''': Be careful, Steven! Watch each other's backs.
:'''Garnet''': And Steven... we love you.

===''Gem Drill''===
:'''Peridot''': ''[being shaken next to drill]'' If you're done just lying there, maybe it's about time that we ''STOP THE WORLD FROM ENDING!'' Where are the others?!
:'''Steven''': They're stuck on Mask Island! We have to drill without them!
:'''Peridot''': Ugh! Am I the only one who understands the meaning of teamwork?! ''[Steven comes up, and she grips his shoulders]'' Okay. Steven, are you ready to drill down into the planet, to depths never before reached by your species, to stop the Cluster before it forms and save your world?!
:'''Steven''': I don't know!
:'''Peridot''': Don't say that! Say we'll do it together and it's gonna be great!
:'''Steven''': We're gonna do it together and it's gonna be great!
:'''Peridot''': ''Liar!''
:''[Peridot and Steven then scamper into the drill's cockpit as the ground continues to shake]''
:'''Peridot''': Ready or not, we have a mission.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Inside the drill]''
:'''Steven''': All right, bracing for impact!
:'''Peridot''': It's actually two more hours to the Cluster.
:'''Steven''': Oh. Wish I'd brought some tunes.
:''[Looking annoyed, Peridot presses a button, making some quiet music play]''
:'''Steven''': Uh, thanks. ''[short silence; starts to look nervous]'' It's kinda... freaky down here, huh?
:'''Peridot''': Why's that?
:'''Steven''': It's just dark, and cramped, ''[shuddering]'' and, uh... I can't even... uh, stretch out. ''[they are both disturbed by a brief rumbling]'' How'd you think you were gonna get everyone in here anyway?
:'''Peridot''': I don't know. They'd... shrink or something.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[As it appears that the Cluster will take form and destroy the Earth]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[terrified]'' Steven, I'm sorry I couldn't save you, or the billions of other lifeforms who matter far, far less to me! Do you have any last words?!  
:'''Steven''': ''[hugging her]'' I love you, Peridot.   
:'''Peridot''': ''[emotionally]'' Wow... .thanks... ''[hugs him back]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''The Cluster''': Want to stay... But... Can't stop! Going to form! Can't stop! Going to form! Help! Help! Help!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After Steven helps the Cluster bubble itself]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[hugging him]'' You did it!  
:'''Steven''': We did it together. And it was great.
:''[The other Gems arrive, with an unconscious Lapis]''
:'''Steven''': Guys! You're back! I-is Lapis okay?  
:'''Garnet''': She'll be fine.
:'''Pearl''': ''[concerned]'' You look happy! Uh, did you destroy the Cluster?
:'''Steven''': No, I talked to it.
:'''Pearl''': What?  
:'''Steven''': It doesn't want to destroy the Earth. It just wants company. And it's got it now! It's like a bajillion people! They'll have lots of time to get to know each other, now that they're in a bubble.  
:'''Pearl''': ''[utterly astonished]'' How on ''Earth'' did you bubble that ''whole thing?!''  
:'''Steven''': We had a little help.
:''[The Cluster is shown again, still peacefully contained in its bubble]''

===''Same Old World''===
:'''Lapis''': For a moment, I really felt like things were different... but they're not. No matter where I go, I'm trapped.
:'''Steven''': But you're not. You're not underwater. You're not in a mirror. This time, you're free!
:'''Lapis''': But I'm still on Earth!
:'''Steven''': Yeah, but nothing is still on Earth. Everything's always changing—the leaves, the cities... even Jersey changes. My dad says the rest stops used to be pretty gross, but now they have sushi! This isn't the same world that held you prisoner - not anymore. And I know it doesn't feel like home, but maybe that can change too. I know you can't go back to Homeworld, but if you stay here, it'll be your choice to stay here.
:'''Lapis''': It's funny... For all the time I spent on Earth, I barely saw any of it.
:'''Steven''': That's not funny. That's super sad.

===''Barn Mates''===
:'''Peridot''': And then I'll say, &quot;Hey, as one refugee to another, it isn't so bad that we can't go back to Homeworld, am I right? Why don't we watch the sun come up and figure out what we're going to do with all this time, eh Lazuli?&quot; And then she'll say, &quot;Yes Peridot, as impressed I was by you on the ship, I am even more impressed with your new compact look and capacity for friendship! I'm so glad we're going to live together!&quot; Peridot, Facet 5. (''ends her log'') Let's begin.
:'''Lapis''': ''[amused]'' This isn't gonna work.
:'''Peridot''': Wait, what?
:'''Lapis''': I really thought I would be living alone here.
:'''Steven''': Yeah, but this is even better! Oh here, how about this? I saw this on an episode of a TV show! I didn't see how it ended, but I'm sure it worked out right. We'll divide this place in half, you'll both have your own space. (''takes out a marker from his left pocket and opens the cap; divides the barn into 2 non-equal parts using the marker'') High ceilings, real wood floors, convenient location on the heart of the country. So what do you think, roomies?
:'''Peridot''': I like the cut of your gem, Steven Quartz!
:'''Lapis''': No. No way!
:'''Peridot''': What's the problem? You're the one getting all the good stuff! You've got the propeller and paint cans on your side! You can do tons with those! oooh, actually, I want the paint cans - you wanna trade something?
:'''Lapis''': I don't care about paint cans. That's not the problem.
:'''Peridot''': Bah...
:'''Steven''': What's wrong, Lapis?
:'''Lapis''': It's ''her''.
:'''Peridot''': Egh?!
:'''Lapis''': ''She's'' the problem. I can't stand the thought of looking at her everyday. She's the one who dragged me back to Earth.
:'''Peridot''': Hey, it wasn't my idea! I was headed to earth and I needed an informant! It should have been a simple mission. Things didn't exactly work out for either of us.
:'''Lapis''': You used me like everyone else did!
:'''Peridot''': But it's not like that anymore! It's different now - I'M different!
:'''Steven''': It's true, Lapis! Peridot has really come into her own since she's been living on Earth.
:'''Peridot''': I sabotaged my own mission! I helped save the Earth, I even yelled at Yellow Diamond! She's probably sending a whole fleet to find me and shatter me right now! I'm kind of a big deal; a big Anti-Homeworld Deal!
:'''Lapis''': Steven, I don't think this is gonna work.
:'''Steven''': Ahhhh, ummmm, maybe we could put up a curtain? (''Lapis gives him a patient smile, but walks out of the barn and flies to the top of the Silo; to Peridot'') Sorry. Thought this was gonna be okay. I forgot the last time you saw each other.. wasn't, so okay.
:'''Peridot''': That was in the ''past''! It's not like that now! UGHHHH!
:'''Steven''': I know.
:'''Peridot''': But obviously she doesn't! She's the one who needs to know! I want ''her'' to understand!
:'''Steven''': Aw Peridot, that's sweet! That's the you you need to show her!
:'''Peridot''': ''[confused]'' Show her my ''sweet''?
:'''Steven''': I got you.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[hands Lapis the letter]'' Steven did the outside, and I did the inside.
:'''Lapis''': ''[opens the letter with an unimpressed look; reading]'' '''&quot;Sorry I interrogated you. You were just full of such useful information. That's a sincere compliment. Peridot.&quot;'''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[on a rubber ring in a miniature lake]'' H-two-oh my gosh. It's a smaller than an average lake!
:'''Steven''': It's from the hole we drilled. Peridot and I sealed it and filled it with water. ''[Lapis pauses for a beat]''
:'''Peridot''': It's a gift for you. You know, 'cause like water's your thing? ''[snickers]'' Pretty good right? The barn's out here in the country, but now you can get your moisture fix whenever. Do all that water stuff you do.
:'''Lapis''': ..Water? Seriously?
:'''Peridot''': Yeah!
:'''Lapis''': You do realize that I spent the last few months trapped under the ocean, right?
:'''Peridot''': Sure! But, I thought—
:'''Lapis''': It was an endless, crushing darkness. Wet and bleak and suffocating. Water was the tomb I lived in for those months.
:'''Peridot''': ''[queasy and terrified]'' Tomb, you say?
:'''Lapis''': Yeah. I'm kinda taking a break from water right now. ''[beat]'' But thanks…for the lake.
:'''Steven''': ''[grimaces]'' Uhh…
:'''Peridot''': Urrgh…
:'''Lapis''': Don't worry, Steven. It's not your fault.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': A pool! What a cloddy idea. Of course she wouldn't like that. There's nothing! Nothing! Nothing!
:'''Steven''': There has to be something. Something, something. Maybe, instead of something ''she'' likes, give her something ''you'' like. A piece of you!
:'''Peridot''': Um…okay. How about my &quot;Camp Pining Hearts&quot; DVD?
:'''Steven''': Which season?
:'''Peridot''': Five?
:'''Steven''': Trash.
:'''Peridot''': I know! Ugh! ''[falls onto the ground with her back; speaks into the tape recorder]'' Log date- whatever. Facet- whatever! WHATEVER! Clearly there's nothing important enough for me to give to Lazuli. At least I have you, tape recorder.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Lapis''': ''[speaks into the tape recorder]'' I don't want your garbage. ''[raises the tape recorder up, crushes it, and drops it onto the ground]''
:'''Peridot''': GUH! What, were you trapped in a tape recorder, too?! ''[Lapis glares enraged at her; frustrated]'' Look, I get it, you know? You're confused. You can never go back to Homeworld. This place doesn't exactly feel like home yet. You're alone! No one could ''possibly'' know what that feels like! Oh, wait, ''I'' do! We're the same! Except… ''[calms down]'' you don't have to be alone. So, tell me, then, what you want from me. And whatever that is… ''[sighs]'' I'll do it.
:'''Lapis''': ''[scowling]'' I want you… TO LEAVE!
:'''Peridot''': ''[visibly hurt]'' Okay. ''[starts walking away]''
:'''Steven''': Lapis, why are you being so mean to her? She's really trying.
:'''Lapis''': Why do you trust her, Steven?
:'''Steven''': Because I know her! Lapis, you're not even giving her a chance. You should have at least gotten to know her before you decided you don't like her. Now it's too late. And she's never coming back again. ''[He and Lapis see Peridot running towards them while screaming]'' Oh, she's coming back again.

===''Hit the Diamond''===

:''[Five Rubies have arrived on Earth; Steven and the Gems hide in the barn]''
:'''Steven''': Whoa, look at 'em all. 
:'''Peridot''': ''[scared]'' I knew it! They're after me! This is the end of the line! 
:'''Lapis''': You really weren't kidding.
:'''Peridot''': I disobeyed a direct order from Yellow Diamond, and I called her a clod…to her face.
:'''Pearl''': Oh, honestly, you call ''everyone'' a clod. 
:'''Peridot''': Yes. But not everyone has command over all the armies of Homeworld waiting for the word to ''shatter me!'' ''[hides under a box]''
:'''Steven''': Peridot! We won't let them get you. ''[lifts the box, revealing Peridot curling up sadly]'' 
:'''Peridot''': Haven't I caused you enough trouble? 
:'''Garnet''': Don't worry, Peridot. It's our sworn duty to protect anything that calls this planet home, and that includes clods like you. 
:'''Peridot''': ''[quietly]'' That's ''my'' word…
:'''Garnet''': Listen up, everyone. I have a plan. Or should I say… ''[holds up her hands]'' ''We'' have a plan? ''[giggles as she unfuses, separating into Ruby and Sapphire]''
:'''Sapphire''': Hello, everyone.
:'''Pearl &amp; Amethyst''': Ruby! Sapphire!
:'''Steven''': ''[runs over and hugs them both]'' Hugs!
:'''Sapphire''': Hello, Steven!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Disguised as a human baseball team]''
:'''Steven''': We're the humans! Steven! 
:'''Pearl''': Earl!
:'''Amethyst''': Amy! 
:'''Lapis''': ''[apathetically]'' Bob. 
:'''Sapphire''': ''[flirtatiously]'' And Sophie...
:''[Saspphire's Ruby blushes]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After a baseball bat is accidentally destroyed, Steven goes to get a replacement from the barn]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[hiding in the barn]'' Hey, how's it going? Are we winning?
:'''Steven''': ''[nervously]'' Ummm, heh-heh...
:'''Ruby''': ''[standing behind Sapphire, guiding her with a bat]'' Now, what you wanna do is lean with your hips. ''[Sapphire swings the bat]'' Yeah, that's pretty good. Let me show you again.
:''[&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby watches them, then glares at Steven]''
:'''Steven''': ''[sweating]'' Well, heh... We're doing just fine. ''[heading back to the field]'' Everything's going to be A-okay...
:'''Peridot''': YOU'RE LYING TO ME!
:'''Steven''': To make you feel better! 
:'''Peridot''': THANK YOU!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After Ruby and Sapphire accidentally refuse into Garnet after the baseball game]''
:'''Garnet''': ''[laughs joyously for a moment]'' ... Whoops.
:'''&quot;Doc&quot; Ruby''': ''[angrily]'' THEY'RE GEMS!
:'''&quot;Army&quot; Ruby''': ''[also angrily]'' WE'VE BEEN TRICKED!
:'''&quot;Navy&quot; Ruby''': ''[in quiet awe]'' What a turn of events...
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': ''[growls]''
:'''&quot;Leggy&quot; Ruby''': ''[confused]'' Huh? W-what?
:'''Garnet''': ''[to the other Crystal Gems]'' Sorry, guys. The game is over.
:'''&quot;Doc&quot; Ruby''': That's it! Rubies... COMBINE!
:''[The five Rubies fuse into a giant Ruby and roar]''
:'''Peridot''': ''WAAAAAAIIIIIIIT!!'' WAIT! STOP! DON'T HURT THEM! ''[rushes out of the barn, trips twice, and runs the rest of the way on all fours, panting]'' Wait, oh please, please! It's ''me'' you're after, right? I'm not gonna stand by and let my friends fight my battles!
:'''Steven''': Awww, Peri loves us! 
:'''Ruby Fusion''': Are you the Peridot assigned to the failed Earth mission? 
:'''Peridot''': ''[nervously]'' Not sure if &quot;failed&quot; would be the right word to--
:'''Ruby Fusion''': Where is Jasper?!
:'''Peridot''': You're looking for... Jasper?
:'''Ruby Fusion''': Correct!
:'''Peridot''': Wait - but I'm the one who betrayed the mission! Who called Yellow Diamond a clod! The new leader of the Crystal Gems?!
:'''Pearl''': What?
:'''Ruby Fusion''': Tell us where Jasper is! ''NOW!''
:'''Peridot''': Jasper... umm... we know where Jasper is! ''[Pearl nervously shakes her head]''
:'''Ruby Fusion''': ''WELL?!''
:'''Peridot''': Uhhhhh....
:'''Steven''': ''[pointing to the sky]'' Neptune! She's on the planet Neptune!
:'''Ruby Fusion''': ''[stares at them suspiciously for a moment, then smiles and shrugs]'' Well, why didn't you say so?
:''[Steven sighs in relief, and the Rubies unfuse]''
:'''&quot;Doc&quot; Ruby''': We all here? One, two, three, four, aaaaand... HA! Five. ''[points to herself]'' To the planet Neptune!
:'''&quot;Army&quot; Ruby''': Let's move out, soldiers! 
:'''&quot;Navy&quot; Ruby''': ''[dreamily]'' What a lovely sounding planet... 
:'''&quot;Leggy&quot; Ruby''': But we just... got here.
:'''&quot;Doc&quot; Ruby''': ''[dragging &quot;Leggy&quot; along]'' Let's go, newbie!
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': ''[glares at the Gems for a moment, then speaks in a strained voice]'' Thank you... 
:''[The Rubies re-enter their space pod and zip into space at hyperspeed]''
:'''Amethyst''': Man... Rubies are ''dumb''.
:'''Garnet''': ''[Star iris closes in on Garnet's face as she smiles]'' Not all of them.

===''Steven Floats''===
:''[Steven jumps higher into the sky while a Dhawar Airlines airplane passes by]''
:'''Air Hostess''': ''[inside]'' The captain has turned on the seat belt sign. Looks like we got some boys in the sky ahead of us.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Amethyst walks to the front door before looking at Steven up high in the sky]''
:'''Amethyst''': Wait, can Steven fly? Yeah, I think I remember that. ''[enters house and closes front door; comes running back outside seconds later]'' No, no, I'm thinking of Lapis! Hey, Steven!! How did you learn how to fly?!
:'''Steven''': Amethyst! Go get help!
:'''Amethyst''': ''Whaaaaat?!!''
:'''Steven''': Ugh, she can't hear me.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[jumps up high]'' Hey, Air Steve!
:'''Steven''': Amethyst, I need you to... ''[she falls back down]'' Dang, too slow. Better ask quicker.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[jumps up again]'' What'd you say?
:'''Steven''': I could really use your assistance dealing with the sudden appearance ''[she falls down]''—aw, rats! ''[she jumps up again; Steven continues]'' —of a power previously was unbeknownst to me ''[she falls]'' which I can't control... Um... ''[she jumps up again, annoyed]''
:'''Amethyst''': Dude, summarize!
:'''Steven''': Go get Garnet!

===''Drop Beat Dad''===

===''{{w|Mr. Greg}}''===
:'''Greg''': ''Bright sunny day don't cost nothing''
:''Light summer breeze don't cost nothing''
:''What do I do with all this money''
:''When the only thing I want is you?''

:''Palling around don't cost nothing''
:''Singing a song don't cost nothing''
:''How do I spend all this money?''
:''I'd rather just spend time with you.''

:'''Steven''': ''You could buy a house and a car''
:'''Greg''': ''I guess that I can but I've already got a van''
:''I could put you through college''
:'''Steven''': But I'm with the Gems all the time!
:'''Greg''': ''Or I could buy you all the finest courses online.''

:'''Steven''': What if we took a trip?
:'''Greg''': Do you think?
:'''Steven''': Yeah, I do! ''We could take a vacation''
:''We could go somewhere new!''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': ''I was fine with the men''
:''Who would come into her life now and again''
:''I was fine 'cause I knew''
:''That they didn't really matter until you.''

:''I was fine when you came''
:''And we fought like it was all some silly game''
:''Over her, who she'd choose''
:''After all those years, I never thought I'd lose.''

:''It's over, isn't it, isn't it, isn't it over?''
:''It's over, isn't it, isn't it, isn't it over?''
:''You won and she chose you, and she loved you and she's gone''
:''It's over, isn't it, why can't I move on?''
&lt;hr width=25% /&gt;
:''War and glory, reinvention''
:''Fusion, freedom, her attention''
:''Out in daylight, my potential''
:''Bold, precise, experimental''

:''Who am I now in this world without her?''
:''Petty and dull with the nerve to doubt her?''
:''What does it matter, it's already done''
:''Now I've got to be there for her son.''

:''It's over, isn't it, isn't it, isn't it over?''
:''It's over, isn't it, isn't it, isn't it over?''
:''You won and she chose you, and she loved you and she's gone''
:''It's over, isn't it, why can't I move on?''
:''It's over, isn't it, why can't I move on?''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''Why don't you talk to each other?''
:''Why don't you talk to each other, just give it a try''
:''Why don't you talk about what happened?
:''I know you're trying to avoid it, but I don't know why.''

:''You might not believe it''
:''You might not believe it''
:''But you got a lot in common, you really do''
:''You both love me and I love both of you.''
&lt;hr width=25% /&gt;
:'''Greg''': Look, if I were you, I'd hate me too.
:'''Pearl''': I don't hate you.
:'''Greg''': But... I knew how you felt about Rose and I stayed anyway.
:'''Pearl''': That wasn't the problem.
:'''Greg''': Then, what was?
:'''Pearl''': She fell in love with you.
:'''Greg''': Well, you know Rose.
:'''Both''': ''[chuckling in tears]'' She always did what she wanted!
&lt;hr width=25% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''I know you both need it, I know you both need it''
:''Someone who knows what you're going through''
:''You might not believe it, you might not believe it''
:''But you got a lot in common, you really do.''

:''You both love me and I love both of you''
:''You both love me and I love both... of you.''

===''Too Short to Ride''===
:''[Steven, Amethyst and Peridot are too short to ride the Appalachian ride; Peridot's hair makes her look taller, but Harold Smiley pushes it down, making her throw a tantrum and wave her fists]''
:'''Harold''': ''[laughs]'' Sorry, guys. Looks like this squad has some growing to do before you can ride.  
:'''Peridot''': I do ''not'' have to grow! This height is indicative of my rarity and importance! I demand entry, you ''CLOD!''
:'''Harold''': ''[clears throat]'' You kids want another lifetime ban?  
:'''Steven''': ''[nervously pulls Peridot away]'' No thanks, Mr. Smiley!  
:'''Amethyst''': Shorty Squad out.

===''The New Lars''===
:'''Steven''': Hey, Lars? why didn't you want to hang out with Sadie?
:'''Lars''': I see her at work. Why do I need to see her on my day off?
:'''Steven''': But aren't you gonna get married, and have kids, and name one of them after his uncle Steven?
:'''Lars''': Oh, let me think…No. Me and Sadie ''aren't'' getting married. We aren't even dating. And if she thinks we are, that's her problem.
:'''Steven''': You're lying. I know how you feel about Sadie.
:'''Lars''': ''You'' don't know what you're talking about, so butt out! ''[walks off]'' Go annoy someone else. You little weirdo.
:'''Steven''': Why can't you just admit you love her?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Lars (Steven) dresses himself up and heads downstairs into the kitchen, finding his parents, Martha and Dante, talking]''
:'''Martha''': No. We can do this, Dante. We have to talk to him.
:'''Lars (Steven)''': Hi, there.
:''[Martha and Dante turn around and notice him]''
:'''Dante''': Oh, there's our boy. How are you feeling?
:'''Lars (Steven)''': ''[sits down at the table]'' Uh…taller?
:'''Martha''': ''[places breakfast in front of him]'' Here you go. Oh, it's good to see you this morning, Laramie.
:'''Lars (Steven)''': ''[smiling]'' Who's Laramie?
:'''Martha''': I mean…Lars. ''[sits down next to her husband at the table]''
:'''Dante''': Now, Lars, we know school is a touchy subject, but we need to talk about this. ''[shows him his grade report]''
:'''Lars (Steven)''': ''[literally reading]'' &quot;F-F-F-F-F-F-B-D-F.&quot; That doesn't spell anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lars''': ''[slowly getting up]'' Mmm… Huh? Sadie? ''[gasps in shock as he notices everyone looking at him]'' How did I get here?! ''[stands up, panicking]'' What are you all doing here?!
:'''Sadie''': Lars, don't get mad.
:'''Lars''': Huh?!
:'''Sadie''': But Steven really didn't mean to…
:'''Lars''': ''[furiously turns to Steven]'' '''''You!''''' What did you do?!
:''[Jenny, Sour Cream, and Buck rush in front of him, defending Steven]''
:'''Steven''': ''[nervously]'' I spent the day… with my mind… in your body.
:''[Lars gasps and screams in shock and disgust]''
:'''Jenny''': Whoa. Where's your chill?
:'''Buck''': Buck is no longer pleased.
:'''Martha''': I'm so sorry. He wasn't like this this morning.
:'''Lars''': I was acting weird all day and you all just '''''LIKED''''' '''IT?!'''
:'''Dante''': Please don't make a scene, Laramie.

===''Beach City Drift''===
:'''Steven''': They told me, &quot;there wasn't enough room on the road for the universe.&quot; And I told them, &quot;the universe ''is'' my road.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Connie and Steven lie down on a car hood by the &quot;It's a Wash&quot; car wash at night; Steven grumpily sighs]''
:'''Connie''': Still mad about Kevin?
:'''Steven''': '''Yes'''.
:'''Connie''': Me too. ''[Steven sits up]''
:'''Steven''': You don't seem mad.
:'''Connie''': ''[sits up]'' I'm thinking mad. I still feel like there's something big I want to say to him, you know? Something to make him think, like we're thinking. 
:'''Steven''': Yeah. Too bad we can't just... race against him—to use the first place ribbon to wipe that smug look off his face!
:'''Connie''': But we're kids. Kids can't drive. That's against the law.
:'''Steven''': We weren't kids when we met Kevin.
:'''Connie''': ''[smirking]'' I smell what you're steppin' in.
:'''Steven''': Ew.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Kevin''': Feel like giving up yet?
:'''Stevonnie''': Ugh! Why do you have to be such a jerk all the time?! ''[Kevin becomes sentimental]''
:'''Kevin''': The truth is, I don't mean to be this way. I-I just lash out because of my little brother. ''[inhales sharply, sighs]'' He's sick. Been sick all our lives. Sometimes I think if I act real cool and never let anyone see my pain, then maybe the pain will go away. And maybe... ''[covers face with his hand]'' I can take his pain away, too.
:'''Stevonnie''': Kevin... I had no idea.
:''[Kevin starts sniffling with his hand still on his face; he slowly starts laughing idiotically]''
:'''Kevin''': Dude! I don't even have a brother! I'm like this because I think it's funny!
:'''Stevonnie''': '''URRRGH!!'''
:'''Kevin''': Chowzers.

===''Restaurant Wars''===

===''Alone at Sea''===
:''[amid the dark clouds, Steven sees Lapis on the stem of the boat staring at the ocean]''
:'''Steven''': Lapis? Um... I have some not-so-good news. There's trouble with the engine, and we might be stuck out here for a while. ''[Lapis sighs. He pauses]'' I'm so sorry! This whole thing is my fault. I just wanted you to have fun, but e-everything's a mess. I-I shouldn't have made you come on this trip. ''[Lapis then walks to the right]''
:'''Lapis''': It's my fault. I'm the one to blame.
:'''Steven''': That's not true!
:'''Lapis''': I'm really trying to enjoy it out here, but... I can't stop thinking about being fused as Malachite. How I used all my strength to hold her down in the ocean, and how I was always battling against Jasper to keep her bound to me.
:'''Steven''': But it's not like that anymore. You don't have to be with Jasper.
:'''Lapis''': That's not it. I... I miss her.
:'''Steven''': ''[shocked]'' What?!
:'''Lapis''': We were fused for so long.
:'''Steven''': But... she's terrible!
:'''Lapis''': ''I'm'' terrible! I did horrible things! I-I broke your dad's leg, I stole Earth's ocean! Go on! Tell me I'm wrong!

===''Greg the Babysitter''===
:''[Greg, Rose Quartz and baby Sour Cream lie down on the beach under a parasol]''
:'''Rose''': You wouldn't believe how long it took me to figure out that this and you are the same thing.
:'''Greg''': ''[beat]'' What do you mean?
:'''Rose''': You're both human! You have to admit, it's a little confusing. You're big and can talk, and he's small and can only make noises. How was I supposed to know you were the same species?
:'''Greg''': ''[chuckles nervously]'' What?
:'''Rose''': I know, it's silly. But then I started to notice that... you grow.
:'''Greg''': Well, can't play guitar with little baby hands. 
:''[Rose giggles and then pauses for a moment]''
:'''Rose''': When a gem is made, it's for a reason. They burst out of the ground already knowing what they're supposed to be, and then... that's what they are. Forever. But you, you're supposed to change. You're never the same, even moment to moment—you're allowed and expected to invent who you are. What an incredible power... the ability to grow up.
:'''Greg''': ''[pause]'' Wow. Those would make some pretty good lyrics. Hold on! Watch Sour Cream a second. ''[runs off]'' I gotta write this down!

===''Gem Hunt''===
:'''Connie''': So, why were there humanoid tracks out there? They weren't ours, and they weren't Pearl's... It couldn't have been the monster, unless it's just some {{w|Scooby-Doo|guy in a monster suit}}. But that kind of thing only happens in cartoons. Usually over a property dispute.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Connie''': All we have to do is follow these tracks. ''[takes a handful of snow and tastes it]'' Yeah. These are fresh. We trail it until it stops to rest.
:'''Steven''': Wow, Connie! You're a wilderness expert.
:'''Connie''': Well, I like to be prepared. When civilization collapses and this world ends, I need to be ready to build the new one.
:'''Steven''': Yeah. I guess if Homeworld invades Earth, things could get pretty crazy for humanity.
:'''Connie''': Forget Gems! Humans are already starting their own demise! Peak oils, Steven! How do we handle terminal decline without alternate energy sources?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jasper''': ''[chuckles sinisterly]'' Hey, Rose, look what I got.

===''Crack the Whip''===
:'''Jasper''': ''[confronts Amethyst]'' I came here to fight Rose, not some runt!
:'''Amethyst''': You think you can just keep showing up and picking fights with us? Hah! Why don't you get a '''life'''?!!
:'''Jasper''': Fighting ''is'' my life! It's what I was made for! ''[points at her]'' It's what you were made for too, runt!
:'''Amethyst''': So? I've got other stuff goin' on. I can fight JUST '''FINE!!''' ''[lashes her whip at Jasper, who catches it easily]''
:'''Jasper''': Well, then... let's see it!
:''[she pulls Amethyst holding her whip, kicks her, spin-dashes her numerous times on the sand. She struggles to get up in front of Jasper]''
:'''Jasper''': You're not even trying. Is it because you know you're already a failure? ''[Amethyst looks up at her]'' You're a quartz soldier, just like me. But you're not like me, are you? 
:''[cut to show Steven, Connie and Lion fighting the corrupted gem monster; Jasper chuckles as Amethyst gets up]''
:'''Jasper''': You're small! ''[begins rapidly punching Amethyst, slamming her down; Steven sees them]''
:'''Steven''': Amethyst?! ''[the monster lunges its hand near them]''
:'''Jasper''': Are you that desperate for troops, Rose, that you keep a defect like this?! ''[Amethyst slowly stands up]''
:'''Amethyst''': Rose said... I'm perfect... the way I am!
:'''Jasper''': Then she had low standards. ''[an enraged Amethyst charges at Jasper with her spin-dash]'' You... could've been me! ''[kicks Amethyst into the air, falls down as she watches Jasper face to face]'' And what are you instead? ''[Amethyst slams into the ground]''
:'''Connie/Steven''': Amethyst! ''[a badly bruised Amethyst looks back at Jasper]''
:'''Jasper''': Just a joke.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jasper''': ''[shocked to see Steven and Connie fused into Stevonnie]'' You fused?!
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[catches Amethyst's gem]'' Whoa! I did!
:'''Jasper''': You Crystal Gems would even fuse with a human?!
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[facing Jasper]'' I don't wanna hear ANYTHING you say! ''[holds up Amethyst's gem]'' Unless it's &quot;sorry.&quot;

===''Steven vs. Amethyst''===
:'''Steven''': ''[loses to Amethyst on &quot;Lonely Blade&quot; video game]'' That was crazy good, Amethyst! Nice job!
:'''Amethyst''': Knock it off, Steven. I know you let me win.
:'''Steven''': ''[stammers]'' Wha— ''me''? No, I— pfff... nooo... ''[Amethyst shuts TV off]''
:'''Amethyst''': You weren't even trying.
:'''Steven''': I'm sorry. I just wanted you to feel better. 
:'''Amethyst''': Great, and now you're even more mature than me.
:'''Steven''': Amethyst?
:'''Amethyst''': You're supposed to be the rookie but now you're better than me at everything! ''[sighs]'' Now I'm the worst Crystal Gem.
:'''Steven''': Wha-what?
:'''Amethyst''': Ugh! ''[mutters]'' You know what I mean, Steven.
:'''Steven''': Uhh, not really! I thought you guys ''wanted'' me to be strong. An-and now I am, and you're mad at me?!
:'''Amethyst''': No! I get mad at myself! That's, ugh, the thing I do! I get mad at myself, and then it makes me suck at everything I do even more.
:'''Steven''': ''[sighs]'' Amethyst, you don't suck. You do so many cool things. You have two whips. Two whips! And the dash thing? Amethyst, you're so much better than me!
:'''Amethyst''': No way. You have Rose's shield, and bubble, and the floating thing, and— ''[grunts]'' I'd just be floating all day!
:'''Steven''': Floating? I forget to use that half the time! And the rest of the time my powers aren't even guaranteed to work! I'm... I'm way worse than you!
:'''Amethyst''': Nuh-uh! ''I'm'' the worst!
:'''Steven''': No way, I am! I'll prove it! I'll-I'll fight you, and show you how bad I am!
:'''Amethyst''': Fine! Let's do it!!
:'''Both''': Let the worst gem lose!!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Steven and Amethyst lie down on the floor for a beat, they start up laughing amongst themselves]''
:'''Steven''': What's wrong with us? ''[continues laughing]''
:'''Amethyst''': Well, I know what's wrong with me. I'm not supposed to be small. And everyone's always acting like there's no problem. &quot;You can be anything you wanna be!&quot; No, I can't! ''[sighs]'' I can't even be the one thing I'm supposed to be, you know?
:'''Steven''': Of course I do. I'm... not Rose Quartz.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[hits her face]'' Oh no! Oh, Steven—
:'''Steven''': Why do you think I've been working so hard?
:'''Amethyst''': Well... it's paying off.
:'''Steven''': ''[chuckling, gets up]'' I sure hope so.
:''[Amethyst sees Steven holding out his hand to her, smiles. She swings her arm but misses, laughing; she misses again before she finally catches his hand. She gets up and laughs with Steven]''
:'''Amethyst''': Thanks, Steven. ''[Pearl gasps in horror at the entrance]''
:'''Pearl''': What did you two do?! You've ruined the ruins!
:'''Amethyst''': Whoops.
:'''Steven''': I don't think we're gonna see the prize pouch for a while.

===''{{w|Bismuth (Steven Universe)|Bismuth}}''===
:''[Steven and the Gems take Bismuth to the strawberry battlefield]''
:'''Garnet''': Homeworld's final attack on Earth wiped out all of the Crystal Gems.
:'''Pearl''': Rose was able to protect Garnet and myself, and by the looks of it, she was able to protect you as well. ''[Bismuth picks up a rusty battle-axe]''
:'''Bismuth''': I knew those Homeworld elites were twisted. How many of us did they shatter? Crazy Lace? Biggs?! Snowflake?! If I was there, I-'''I coulda stopped it!!'''
:'''Garnet''': It's not like they've stopped trying.
:'''Bismuth''': What's that?
:'''Garnet''': Homeworld still has its eyes on this planet.
:'''Pearl''': We continue to thwart their plans over and over. ''[Steven runs over followed by Amethyst]''
:'''Steven''': But they just keep coming back!
:'''Amethyst''': Yep. They want us bad.
:'''Bismuth''': Good. I thought I wouldn't get another chance to show those upper-crusts who's ''boss''! Let's show 'em what happens when you mess with the Crystal Gems! ''[slams battle-axe to the ground with a loud roar; Steven smiles]''
:'''Steven''': Yeah.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Bismuth''': Rose Quartz changed my life. I came to Earth thinking this was just another colony. Build another arena for important fighters to fight in, build another spire for important thinkers to think in, and then I met her. Just another quartz soldier, made right here in the dirt, but she was different. And she was different because she decided to be. And she asked me what I wanted to build, and I'd never heard that before. And Gems never hear they can be anything other than what they are, but Rose opened our eyes.
:'''Steven''': Everybody always tells me how great Mom was. I just don't feel like I can ever measure up to her. ''[Bismuth chuckles out loud]''
:'''Bismuth''': I can't believe this... that I'm the one giving the pep talk to Rose's... Rose's...?
:'''Steven''': Son.
:'''Bismuth''': Right. You are different. That's what's so exciting. You don't have to be like Rose Quartz. You can be someone even better. You can be you. And you know what? You deserve an even better weapon.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Steven walks to a severely injured Bismuth holding the Breaking Point]''
:'''Steven''': Bismuth... this has to stop.
:'''Bismuth''': So what are you gonna do, shatter me?! ''[grabs Breaking Point to her gemstone]'' Go ahead! &lt;big&gt;'''JUST ''DO IT''!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Steven''': ..No! Even if we don't agree, nobody deserves this! ''[Bismuth pauses, yanks Breaking Point from Steven. He steps back, stops at Rose's sword, draws it out as Bismuth advances—SHING!!]''
:''[for a long beat, Steven sees Bismuth impaled holding Rose's sword]''
:'''Bismuth''': ..You shoulda shattered me back then. At least if I were in pieces, I wouldn't have to know how little I mattered to you. You didn't even tell 'em. You bubbled me away and didn't ever tell your friends... My friends...
:'''Steven''': I'm going to tell them! I'm gonna tell them everything. ''[Bismuth takes in a surprise, chuckles in her tears]''
:'''Bismuth''': Then you really are better than her.

===''Beta''===
:''[Peridot and Lapis Lazuli are watching ''&quot;Camp Pining Hearts&quot;'' on the truck sticking out over the barn's entrance]''
:'''Percy''': ''[in the show]'' But Paulette, I need you! 
:'''Peridot''': Oh, get over it, Percy. Go make another friendship bracelet. 
:'''Lapis''': Seriously.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': Wow, you guys are looking good. And I love what you did to the barn! 
:'''Peridot''': Aww, I know. But wait, wait - you guys ''have'' to see the inside! Lapis, fly us in! 
:'''Lapis''': ''[smiling]'' Nnnno.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Inside the barn]''
:'''Amethyst''': You did all this stuff on purpose? Like, you didn't just knock over a bunch of paint cans and go, &quot;Eh, just leave it&quot;?
:'''Peridot''': Oh, no. This was all very intentional. You see, I had this idea: What if we made music, but instead of sounds, we use things!
:'''Amethyst''': That's dumb.  
:'''Steven''': Guys, that's art! 
:'''Peridot''': Art? That sounds ridiculous! 
:'''Lapis''': I've been calling it &quot;meepmorp&quot;.
:'''Peridot''': Let us show you our... morps. ''[chuckles]''
:''[She shows them something made from her broken recorder, some cassettes and a blue ribbon]''
:'''Peridot''': This piece is called &quot;Wow, thanks&quot;. It represents the struggles of intercommunication. The tape is the ribbon that binds our experience on Earth together. It has no functional purpose! It just makes me feel bad! ''[smiles proudly]''
:''[Lapis shows them a baseball bat, mitt and ball hanging from a stick by string]''
:'''Lapis''': Here's my meepmorp. This is a baseball bat. It reminds me of when I played baseball. ''[walks backwards to a leaf sitting on a rock]'' This is a leaf that Steven gave me. It reminds me of the time Steven... gave me a leaf. 
:'''Steven''': Hey, yeah, it reminds me of that too! ''[Peridot grins; Amethyst looks nauseated]''
:''[Next is a TV with two mirrors attached, playing Percy in ''Camp Pining Hearts'' saying &quot;I just feel trapped&quot; over and over]''
:'''Steven''': ''[worried]'' Is this one about... the thousands of years you spent trapped in the mirror? 
:'''Lapis''': No. I just really like that show.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[yelling]'' HEY, LAPIS, ARE YOU OKAAAY??? 
:'''Lapis''': ''[watching ''Camp Pining Hearts'' on the truck again]'' Yeah. 
:'''Peridot''': ARE YOU SURE? 
:'''Lapis''': Yeah. 
:'''Peridot''': I'M LEAVING, BUT I'LL BE BACK!
:'''Lapis''': Okay. 
:'''Peridot''': DO YOU NEED ANYTHING?
:'''Lapis''': No. 
:'''Peridot''': ... WHAT SEASON IS THAT?
:'''Lapis''': Three.

===''Earthlings''===
:'''Jasper''': Pipe down! You take orders from me now! You used to be a Quartz too, didn't you? What happened to you? Tch. Disgraceful. I can't believe I've resorted to recruiting you freaks! You're almost as bad as that Crystal ''runt''! Just look at you. This planet ruins everything! Well, (''chuckles'') except for me.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Jasper''': Every Gem is made for a purpose—to serve the order of the Diamonds. Those who cannot fit inside this order must be purged! To come out misshapen, to reshape yourself outside your purpose, and to defend this worthless, ruined planet is a disgrace!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Steven throws his shield over a towering Injector; Amethyst backs away from Jasper as it falls between them]''
:'''Amethyst''': Steven... I-I can't win. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I work, she came out right, and I came out... wrong.
:'''Steven''': That's just what Jasper thinks! She's the only one who thinks you should be like her!
:'''Amethyst''': But—
:'''Steven''': Stop trying to be like Jasper. You're ''nothing'' like Jasper! You're like ''me''!! Because we're both not like anybody! And yeah, it sucks! ''[Jasper lifts up the Injector and throws it aside]'' But at least I've got you. And you've got me! ''[tearing up]'' So stop leaving me out of this!
:'''Amethyst''': Us worse Gems stick together... ''[sniffles]'' right? ''[Steven holds out his hand]''
:'''Steven''': That's why we're the best.
:''[Amethyst takes his hand, and they hug - and fuse]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[After briefly fusing with a corrupted Gem, the corruption spreads slowly in Jasper's left arm]''
:'''Peridot''': Eww, that's disgusting!
:'''Smoky Quartz''': It's... corruption. ''[separates back into Steven and Amethyst]''
:'''Amethyst''': Steven, be careful.
:'''Steven''': But this just happened - maybe I can do something! Jasper, it's okay. I'm here. ''[starts approaching her]''
:'''Jasper''': ''[snarling]'' Rose... 
:'''Steven''': I'm not Rose, I'm Steven. I just wanna try and heal you. ''[licks his palm and reaches for her -  but she slashes at him, tearing his shirt]''
:'''Amethyst''': Steven!! 
:''[Peridot unsuccessfully tries to mentally move the metal rod again]'' 
:'''Steven''': ''[as Amethyst tries to charge at Jasper]'' Stop! 
:'''Jasper''': ''[chuckles]'' I see how you do it now, Rose... You want Gems after they're worthless. You wait until after they've lost! Because when you're at the bottom... you'll follow ''anyone'' that makes you feel like less of a failure. ''[as Peridot rushes over]'' Huh... Just look at this one! You've stripped her of everything! Her limb enhancers, her status, her dignity...
:'''Peridot''': I still have one of those things. 
:'''Jasper''': ''How can you side with Rose Quartz?!'' Why? Why protect this useless shell of a planet?! 
:'''Peridot''': It's not a shell. There's so much life, living here. ''[smiling]'' That's what ''I'm'' doing! I'm living here! I've been learning new things about myself all the time! Like how I can make metal do my bidding! ''[tries to show this off, but the rod just falls behind her]'' The point being: Earth can set you free. ''[Steven smiles]''
:'''Jasper''': ''[angrily, as the corruption spreads rapidly in her body]'' Earth... is a prison! I got out because I'm better than this place...!
:'''Steven''': It's getting worse. 
:'''Jasper''': I only came back to finish you off...!
:'''Steven''': Try not to move!
:'''Jasper''': ''You can't manipulate me, Rose Quartz!'' 
:'''Steven''': I-- I'm not manipulating! I'm trying to help! 
:'''Jasper''': Help...? ''HELP?!'' I've been fighting from the second I broke free of the Earth's crust! Because of what ''YOU'' did to my colony! Because of what '''YOU''' did to my planet! Because of what '''YOU''' did to my Diamond! 
:'''Steven''': ''[confsed]'' I... Yellow Diamond? 
:'''Jasper''': Wha...?! ''MY'' DIAMOND! ''YOUR'' DIAMOND! &lt;big&gt;'''''PINK DIAMOND!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Her corruption worsening, Jasper becomes barely recognizable and looks ready to attack; Peridot finally gets the metal rod to move, plunging it into Jasper and making her poof]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[after a brief silence]'' You're... welcome.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[smiles, then walks over to Jasper's gem and sighs]'' Come here, sis. ''[bubbles her]''

===''Back to the Moon''===
:''[the Rubies walk up the moon base stairway followed by Amethyst (as Jasper), Pearl, Garnet and Steven]''
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': The Earth was Pink Diamond's colony. Everything was going smoothly at first. Kindergartens were incubating their first soldiers—big, warm pieces of quartz, like this mountain over here—were being created from its rich minerals with great success. Then, bam! One of Pink Diamond's very own quartz soldiers started a rebellion and took it too far. Where were you when that happened?
:'''Amethyst''': Oh, you know... around. ''[&quot;Eyeball&quot; turns to Amethyst]''
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': I was there. I saw it with my own eye. I watched the leader of the Crystal Gems, Rose Quartz... ''[projects her light on the mural]'' shatter Pink Diamond!
:''[Steven looks up in his horror; Garnet is frozen still for a beat, Pearl starts shivering in fear]''
:'''Steven''': No... ''[beat]'' Rose Quartz w-would never do that! ''[tearing up]'' A-And, sure, she had to fight but... But she would never shatter someone!

===''Bubbled''===
:''[Steven (in his bubble) and &quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby drift in space far away from the Earth]''
:'''Steven''': There goes the Earth.
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': There goes my whole platoon! ''[growls at him]'' This is a mess! ''[walks around his bubble]'' What'll I say about my report?! How will I even ''make'' my report?! This is a nightmare! ''[looks down at him]'' And this is all ''your'' fault.
:'''Steven''': Whoa, hey, no it's not! You were trying to hurt my friends!
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': But you opened the airlock in the moon base. ''You'' sent us flying into space with no hope of ever returning!
:'''Steven''': ''[long pause]'' Okay, so maybe that was my fault. I'm sorry. There! Are you happy?
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': No! Lucky you're in that bubble, or I'd pop you right in the face.
:'''Steven''': Well, if you're going to be a grump about it, then we can just float in silence until we both die!
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': Sounds great!
:'''Steven''': Fine!
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': I can't wait!!
:'''Steven''': Me neither!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': When I heard rumors there might still be Crystal Gems on Earth, I couldn't believe it. A thousand years of fighting were all for nothing! And Rose Quartz might still be alive? ''[scoffs, rolls on her side]'' She must be. Why else would someone as important as Jasper be back on Earth? For closure, that's why. I wanted it, too. I wanted to see Rose Quartz with my own eye. At the very least, I thought Jasper might have some answers, but... it wasn't even her. Just another trick.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': How come nobody told me about Pink Diamond?
:'''Garnet''': We all did what we had to during the war. Everything's different now.
:'''Steven''': But did Mom really do it? Did she really... shatter her?
:'''Garnet''': She had to. The Earth belonged to Pink Diamond. Destroying her was the only way to save the planet. For Amethyst to be herself, for Pearl to be free, for me to be together. ''[clutches her hand]'' For you to exist.
:'''Steven''': But I thought... a-at least she'd never—
:'''Garnet''': She didn't always do what was best for her. But she always did what was best for Earth.
:'''Steven''': Even... if it meant shattering someone?
:'''Garnet''': Yes.
:''[Steven pauses, takes a deep breath and sighs as the Gems pilot the Rubies' Roaming Eye back to Earth]''
:'''Steven''': Thanks for telling me.

[[Category:Steven Universe seasons]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Lilo &amp; Stitch: The Series</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>196509</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147730</id>
      <parentid>3146690</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T20:21:03Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
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----
[[Lilo &amp; Stitch|Pilot film]] | '''Seasons:''' [[Lilo &amp; Stitch: The Series (season 1)|1]] [[Lilo &amp; Stitch: The Series (season 2)|2]] | [[Leroy &amp; Stitch|Finale film]] | [[Lilo &amp; Stitch: The Series|Main]]
----

'''''[[w:Lilo &amp; Stitch: The Series|Lilo &amp; Stitch: The Series]]''''' (2003–2006) is a Disney Channel and ABC Kids animated TV series based on and a sequel to the 2002 animated film, ''[[Lilo &amp; Stitch]]''. Picking up from ''[[w:Stitch! The Movie|Stitch! The Movie]]'', Hawaiian girl Lilo Pelekai and her adopted mutant alien [[w:Stitch (Lilo &amp; Stitch)|Stitch]] must capture all of Dr. Jumba Jookiba's 625 experiments and reform them before ex-Captain Gantu and the evil Dr. Jacques von Hämsterviel have a chance to capture them for their evil purposes.

== Seasons and films ==
* ''[[Lilo &amp; Stitch]]'' (pilot)
* [[Lilo &amp; Stitch: The Series (season 1)|Season 1]]
* [[Lilo &amp; Stitch: The Series (season 2)|Season 2]]
* ''[[Leroy &amp; Stitch]]'' (finale)

== Cast ==
=== Main voices ===
* [[w:Daveigh Chase|Daveigh Chase]] — Lilo
* [[w:Chris Sanders|Chris Sanders]] — [[w:Stitch (Lilo &amp; Stitch)|Stitch]]
* [[w:David Ogden Stiers|David Ogden Stiers]] — Jumba
* [[w:Kevin McDonald|Kevin McDonald]] — Pleakley
* [[w:Tia Carrere|Tia Carrere]] — Nani
* [[w:Jeff Bennett|Jeff Glen Bennett]] — Dr. Hämsterviel
* [[w:Kevin Michael Richardson|Kevin M. Richardson]] — Gantu, Cobra Bubbles
* [[w:Rob Paulsen|Rob Paulsen]] — 6-2-5
* [[w:Liliana Mumy|Liliana Mumy]] — Mertle
* [[w:Tara Strong|Tara Strong]] — Angel

=== Crossover voices ===
* [[w:Dante Basco|Dante R. Basco]] — Jake
* [[John DiMaggio]] — Fu Dog, Dr. Drakken
* [[w:Charlie Finn|Charlie Finn]] — Spud
* [[w:Kali Troy|Miss Kittie]] — Trixie
* [[w:Keone Young|Keone Young]] — Luong Lao Shi
* [[w:Kyla Pratt|Kyla Pratt]] — Penny
* [[w:Tommy Davidson|Tommy Davidson]] — Oscar
* [[w:Paula Jai Parker|Paula Jai Parker]] — Trudy
* [[w:Jo Marie Payton|Jo Marie Payton]] — Suga Mama
* [[w:Tara Strong|Tara Strong]] — BeBe, CeCe, Puff the Dog
* [[w:Aries Spears|Aries Spears]] — Wizard Kelly
* [[w:Christy Carlson Romano|Christy Carlson Romano]] — [[w:Kim Possible (character)|Kim]]
* [[w:Will Friedle|Will Friedle]] — Ron
* [[Nancy Cartwright]] — Rufus
* [[w:Tahj Mowry|Tahj Mowry]] — Wade
* [[w:Nicole Sullivan|Nicole Sullivan]] — Shego
* Axel Alba — T.J.
* [[w:Rickey D'Shon Collins|Ricky Collins]] — Vince
* [[w:Pamela Adlon|Pam Adlon]] — Spinelli
* [[w:Ashley Johnson (actress)|Ashley Johnson]] — Gretchen
* [[w:Zack Shada|Zack Shada]] — Mikey
* Zack Ewing — Gus
* [[April Winchell]] — Miss Finster

== See Also ==
* ''[[Lilo &amp; Stitch 2: Stitch Has a Glitch]]''

== External Links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|0364774|Lilo &amp; Stitch: The Series}}

[[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated action TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction TV shows]]
[[Category:Lilo &amp; Stitch]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Disney Channel shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about children]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about extraterrestrial life]]
[[Category:Television series by Disney Television Animation]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Raven's Home</title>
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    <id>197231</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147731</id>
      <parentid>3083204</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T20:21:15Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
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'''''[[w:Raven's Home|Raven's Home]]''''' is an American comedy television series created by Michael Poryes and Susan Sherman and produced by [[w:It's a Laugh Productions|It's a Laugh Productions]] for [[w:Disney Channel|Disney Channel]]. The series is a spinoff and sequel to ''[[That's So Raven]]'', the second spinoff from that series after ''Cory in the House.''

== Season 1 ==
=== Episode 1.Baxter's Back! ===
:'''Raven''': SON OF A CHELSEA!!!! We're gonna have to put a bell on you, kid.

== Seasons ==
::[[Raven's Home (season 1)|Season 1]]
::[[Raven's Home (season 2)|Season 2]]
::[[Raven's Home (season 3)|Season 3]]
::[[Raven's Home (season 4)|Season 4]]
::[[Raven's Home (season 5)|Season 5]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{Official website|http://disneychannel.disney.com/raven-s-home}}
* {{IMDb title|6311972}}

[[Category:Current shows]]
[[Category:Disney Channel shows]]
[[Category:2010s American comedy TV shows]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>CatDog</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>197932</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147732</id>
      <parentid>3115139</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T20:21:36Z</timestamp>
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        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
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'''''[[w:CatDog|CatDog]]''''' is an American animated television series that aired from April 4, 1998 until June 15, 2005 on Nickelodeon. The series depicts the life of conjoined brothers, with one half being a cat and the other a dog.

{{tv-stub}}
== Season 1 ==
=== ''Dog Gone / All You Can't Eat'' [1.1] ===
:'''Rancid Rabbit:''' How many times do I have to tell you? No shirts, no shoes, no Catdog!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Depot''': ( after he comes into the joint and see’s catdog making a mess )  Ahem! What's going on here?!
:'''Rancid Rabbit:''' Well, Mr. Depot, what an unexpected pleasure.
:'''Mr. Depot:''' Can it, Rabbit! (As some taco seasoning sprays on him he walks towards him fuming ) This place is a pigsty! You call yourself a manager?! Look at you! [rips the manager sign off of Rancid]
:'''Rancid Rabbit:''' ''[crying over being fired]''
:'''Mr. Depot''': You're eating all my profits! Here, kid. [Places tye sign on Dunglap]You're the new manager.
:'''Dunglap''': [saluting] Yes, sir! Your, uh, taco-ness!

== Season 2 ==
=== ''Climb Every CatDog / Canine Mutiny'' [2.5] ===
:'''Reporter Bird''': ''[when Dunglap reaches the top of the mountain before CatDog]'' And we have just gotten word that the mayor has renamed the mountain... &quot;Dunglap's Peak&quot;!
:'''Cat''': ''[horrified]'' &quot;Dunglap's... Peak&quot;?! ''[starts crying]'' But I wanted it to be renamed &quot;Cat Mountain&quot;...!!! ''[bawls hysterically]''
:'''Dog''': Cat, look at the bright side. Mindy isn't better than you anymore. Dunglap is.
:''[Cat bawls even harder.]''

=== ''Dem Bones / Winslow's Home Videos / You're Fired'' [2.9] ===
:'''Dog''': Say it, Cat! Say it!
:'''Cat''': ''[sighs]'' Full speed ahead, Sailor Dog.
:'''Dog''': Aye, aye, Captain Cat!

=== ''Dog Power / It's a Jungle in Here!'' [2.13] ===
:'''Cat''': Oh-ho-ho-ho, I'm rich! I'm rich! And I'll be rich ''FOREVER!''

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title | id=0154061 | title=CatDog}}
[[Category:Nicktoons]]
[[Category:Nickelodeon shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>The Angry Beavers</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>197933</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147733</id>
      <parentid>3026893</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T20:22:04Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
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'''''[[w:The Angry Beavers|The Angry Beavers]]''''' is an American animated television series that aired from April 19, 1997 until June 11, 2001 on Nickelodeon. The series revolves around Daggett and Norbert Beaver, two young beaver brothers who have left their home to become bachelors in the forest near the fictional Wayouttatown, Oregon.

== Season 1 ==
=== ''Born to Be Beavers'' [1.1] ===
:'''Daggett''': I can't believe it, Norbert.
:'''Norbert''': Whassat, Daggett?
:'''Daggett''': Our own parents kicked us out.
:'''Norbert''': They didn't kick us out. We were the first litter and Mom had a second litter. It's the beaver way.
:'''Daggett''': But, Norb. Where will we go? How will we survive?
:'''Norbert''': We'll be all right. You've got your Beaver Survival Kit, right?
:'''Daggett''': No.
:'''Norbert''': Oh, that's not good.

=== ''Up All Night'' [1.2] ===
:''[Dag starts whimpering]''
:'''Dag''': Yeah. Guess so.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''(Norbert is prank-calling a deli)''
:'''Norbert''': Do you have chicken necks?
:'''Lady on phone''': Yes, we do.
:'''Nobert''': Wear a turtleneck sweater and no one will notice! ''(hangs up)''

=== ''A Dam Too Far'' [1.3] ===

=== ''Long in the Teeth'' [1.4] ===

=== ''Gift Hoarse'' [1.5] ===

=== ''Go Beavers!'' [1.6] ===

=== ''Box Top Beavers'' [1.7] ===

=== ''Salmon Sez'' [1.8] ===

=== ''Beach Beavers a-Go-Go'' [1.9] ===

=== ''Deranged Ranger'' [1.10] ===

=== ''Muscular Beaver'' [1.11] ===

=== ''Fish 'n' Dips'' [1.12] ===

=== ''Enter the Daggett'' [1.13] ===

=== ''Bug-a-Boo'' [1.14] ===

=== ''Mission to the Big Hot Thingy'' [1.15] ===

=== ''I Dare You'' [1.16] ===

=== ''Stinky Toe'' [1.17] ===

=== ''House Broken'' [1.18] ===

=== ''Tree's Company'' [1.19] ===

=== ''Guess Who's Stumping to Dinner'' [1.20] ===

=== ''Fancy Prance'' [1.21] ===

=== ''H2Whoa!'' [1.22] ===

=== ''The Bing That Wouldn't Leave'' [1.23] ===

=== ''You Promised'' [1.24] ===

=== ''Bummer of Love'' [1.25] ===

=== ''Food of the Clods'' [1.26] ===

== Season 2 ==
=== ''Beaver Fever'' [2.1] ===

=== ''Same Time Last Week'' [2.2] ===

=== ''Kandid Kreatures'' [2.3] ===

=== ''Fakin' It'' [2.4] ===

=== ''Muscular Beaver 2'' [2.5] ===

=== ''Stump Looks for His Roots'' [2.6] ===

=== ''Tree of Hearts'' [2.7] ===

=== ''Dag for Night'' [2.8] ===

=== ''Un-Barry-ble'' [2.9] ===

=== ''Another One Bites the Musk'' [2.10] ===

=== ''The Mighty Knot-Head'' [2.11] ===

=== ''Pond Scum'' [2.12] ===

=== ''Utter Nonsense'' [2.13] ===

=== ''Endangered Species'' [2.14] ===

=== ''Lumberjack's Delight'' [2.15] ===

=== ''Zooing Time'' [2.16] ===

=== ''Friends, Romans, Beavers!'' [2.17] ===

=== ''Big Round Sticky Fish Thingy'' [2.18] ===

=== ''The Day the World Got Really Screwed Up'' [2.19] ===
:'''Narrator''': Ooh! I know! Send in more planes!
:'''Daggett''': Darn! I forgot the autograph!
:'''Norbert''': You'll get over it.

=== ''If You In-Sisters'' [2.20] ===

=== ''Alley Oops'' [2.21] ===

=== ''Open Wide for Zombies'' [2.22] ===

=== ''Dumbwaiters'' [2.23] ===

=== ''Sans-a-Pelt'' [2.24] ===

=== ''Gonna Getcha'' [2.25] ===

== Season 3 ==
=== ''My Bunny-Guard'' [3.1] ===

=== ''What's Eating You?'' [3.2] ===

=== ''Omega Beaver'' [3.3] ===

=== ''Bite This!'' [3.4] ===

=== ''Spooky Spoots'' [3.5] ===

=== ''Up All Night 2: Up All Day. The Reckoning'' [3.6] ===

=== ''Muscular Beaver 3'' [3.7] ===

=== ''Sang 'em High'' [3.8] ===

=== ''In Search of Big Byoo-Tox'' [3.9] ===

=== ''The Legend of Kid Friendly'' [3.10] ===

=== ''Silent But Deadly'' [3.11] ===

=== ''Tough Love'' [3.12] ===

=== ''A Little Dad'll Do You'' [3.13] ===

=== ''Pass It On!'' [3.14] ===

=== ''Muscular Beaver 4'' [3.15] ===

=== ''Act Your Age'' [3.16] ===

=== ''Too Loose Latrine'' [3.17] ===

=== ''Pack Your Dags'' [3.18] ===

=== ''Daggy Dearest'' [3.19] ===

=== ''Dag's List'' [3.20] ===

=== ''Mistaken Identity'' [3.21] ===

=== ''Easy Peasy Rider'' [3.22] ===

=== ''Stare and Stare Alike!'' [3.23] ===

=== ''I am Not an Animal, I'm Scientist #1'' [3.24] ===

=== ''Norberto y Daggetto en El Grapadura y el Castor Malo'' [3.25] ===

=== ''The Loogie Hawk'' [3.26] ===

=== ''Kreature Komforts'' [3.27] ===

=== ''Oh, Brother?'' [3.28] ===

=== ''Das Spoot'' [3.29] ===

=== ''Sqotters'' [3.30] ===

=== ''Long Tall Daggy'' [3.31] ===

=== ''Practical Jerks'' [3.32] ===

=== ''Nice &amp; Lonely'' [3.33] ===

=== ''Soccer? I Hardly Knew Him!'' [3.34] ===

=== ''Brothers... To the End?'' [3.35] ===

=== ''Euro Beavers'' [3.36] ===

=== ''Slap Happy'' [3.37] ===

=== ''Home Loners'' [3.38] ===

=== ''Ugly Roomers'' [3.39] ===
:''[Norb increases his building to rival Dag's bedroom height]''
:'''Daggett''': Ha! I'm still bigger-er.
:'''Norbert''': I only stopped to give you something. ''[hands Dag the gift. Dag opens it and it's the San-o-tizey and it sprays in Dag's eyes again and Dag starts gagging while Norbert continues to increase his bedroom height]''
:'''Daggett''': ''[gagging]'' Ooh, you dirty rat. ''[cough]''
:''[The scene transitions to Norb relaxing while Dag has increased more of his bedroom height and is about to get back at Norb for spraying him with sanitizer by putting pork rinds in a blower]''
:'''Daggett''': Oh, Norbie, my room's bigger-er and better! Oh, and this is for spraying me in the eyes. ''[sprays Norb with pork rinds]''

=== ''Finger Lickin' Goofs'' [3.40] ===

=== ''Strange Allure'' [3.41] ===

=== ''Partying Is Such Sweet Sorrow'' [3.42] ===

== Season 4 ==
=== ''Chocolate Up to Experience'' [4.1] ===

=== ''Three Dag Nite'' [4.2] ===

=== ''Fat Chance'' [4.3] ===

=== ''Dag in the Mirror'' [4.4] ===

=== ''Canucks Amuck'' [4.5] ===

=== ''Yak in the Sack'' [4.6] ===

=== ''Driving Misses Daggett'' [4.7] ===

=== ''Big Fun'' [4.8] ===

=== ''Moby Dopes'' [4.9] ===
:'''Norbert''': Where in the name of Deus Ex Machina did that T-Rex come from?!

=== ''Present Tense'' [4.10] ===

=== ''It's a Spootiful Life'' [4.11] ===

=== ''The Mom from U.N.C.L.E.'' [4.12] ===

=== ''House Sisters'' [4.13] ===

=== ''Muscular Beaver 5'' [4.14] ===

=== ''Vantastic Voyage'' [4.15] ===

=== ''Blacktop Beavers'' [4.16] ===

=== ''Specs Appeal'' [4.17] ===

=== ''Things That Go Hook in the Night'' [4.18] ===

=== ''Damnesia'' [4.19] ===

=== ''The Posei-Dam Adventure'' [4.20] ===

=== ''The Big Frog'' [4.21] ===

=== ''Dag Con Carny'' [4.22] ===

=== ''All in the Colony'' [4.23] ===

=== ''Line Duncing'' [4.24] ===

=== ''Beavemaster'' [4.25] ===

=== ''Deck Poops'' [4.26] ===

=== ''Dagski and Norb'' [4.27] ===

=== ''Shell or High Water'' [4.28] ===

== Cast ==
* [[w:Nick Bakay|Nick Bakay]] - Norbert Foster &quot;Norb&quot; Beaver 
* [[w:Richard Steven Horvitz|Richard Steven Horvitz]] - Daggett Doofus &quot;Dag&quot; Beaver

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title | id=0131664 | title=The Angry Beavers}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Angry Beavers}}
[[Category:1990s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:1990s American surreal comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American surreal comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:1990s Nickelodeon original series]]
[[Category:2000s Nickelodeon original series]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Nicktoons]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about brothers]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Guru Tegh Bahadur</title>
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      <text bytes="11794" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Guru teg bahadur.jpg|thumb|My answer is that I am a [[Hindu]] and I love [[Hindu]] dharma. How can anyone destroy it? It provides happiness both in this world as well as in the other world. There is no other religion like it. Only a deranged person or a fool would leave it to become vile. [[Hindu]] dharma would remain in the world for ever. It is not going to be destroyed by your efforts.]]
[[File:The site where Guru Teg Bahadur was executed under orders by Islamic ruler Aurangzeb.jpg|thumb|One who is not perturbed by misfortune, who is beyond comfort, attachment and fear, who considers gold as dust. He neither speaks ill of others nor feels elated by praise and shuns greed, attachments and arrogance. He is indifferent to ecstasy and tragedy, is not affected by honors or humiliations. He renounces expectations, greed. He is neither attached to the worldliness, nor lets senses and anger affect him. In such a person resides God.]]
[[File:Guru Teg bahadur ji.jpg|thumb|]]

'''[[w:Guru Tegh Bahadur|Guru Tegh Bahadur]]''' (1 April 1621 – 24 November 1675), revered as the ninth Nanak, was the ninth of ten Gurus of the [[Sikh]] religion. Tegh Bahadur continued in the spirit of the first guru, Nanak; his 115 poetic hymns are in the text [[Guru Granth Sahib]]. Tegh Bahadur resisted the forced conversions of Kashmiri Pandits and non-Muslims to Islam, and was publicly beheaded in 1675 on the orders of Mughal emperor [[Aurangzeb]] in [[Delhi]] for refusing to convert to [[Islam]].

==Quotes==

*'''My answer is that I am a [[Hindu]] and I love [[Hindu]] dharma. How can anyone destroy it? It provides happiness both in this world as well as in the other world. There is no other religion like it. Only a deranged person or a fool would leave it to become vile. [[Hindu]] dharma would remain in the world for ever. It is not going to be destroyed by your efforts.'''
**Tegh Bahadur’s Hindi reply to [[Aurangzeb]] when he was asked to become a Muslim.  	Kshitish Vedalankar: Storm in Punjab, p.178. 

*One who is not perturbed by misfortune, who is beyond comfort, attachment and fear, who considers [[gold]] as dust. He neither speaks ill of others nor feels elated by praise and shuns greed, attachments and arrogance. He is indifferent to ecstasy and tragedy, is not affected by honors or humiliations. He renounces expectations, greed. He is neither attached to the worldliness, nor lets senses and anger affect him. In such a person resides [[God]].
** Guru Tegh Bahadur, Sorath 633 (Translated by Gopal Singh), Tegh Bahadur (Translated by Gopal Singh) (2005). Mahalla nawan: compositions of [[Guru]] Tegh Bahādur-the ninth guru (from Sri [[Guru]] Granth Sahib): Bāṇī Gurū Tega Bahādara. Allied Publishers. pp. xxviii–xxxiii, 15–27. ISBN 978-81-7764-897-3.

* Let the path of the pure [khâlsâ panth] prevail all over the world, let the Hindu dharma dawn and all delusion disappear. &lt;br&gt; May I spread dharma and prestige of the Veda in the world and erase from it the sin of cow-slaughter.
**Gobind Singh, quoted in Shourie, Arun (1993). A secular agenda: For saving our country, for welding it. New Delhi, India: Rupa. also quoted in Elst, Koenraad (2002). Who is a Hindu?: Hindu revivalist views of Animism, Buddhism, Sikhism, and other offshoots of Hinduism. ISBN 978-8185990743

*Listen All! Said Tegh Bahadur: Those who stick to their Dharma are called brave. I know my Hindu Dharma to be the best. How can I forsake that which is very dear to me? It (Hindu Dharma) gives immense joy in this world and the next. Even life is trivial compared to honor. The fool whose intellect is corrupted, That idiot alone will forsake it. I will endure harm to establish Hindu Dharma in this world. It will never be destroyed even if you try.
**Attributed in Sri Gur Pratap Prakash written between 1835-1843 CE by Kavi Santokh Singh  [https://www.searchgurbani.com/sri-gur-pratap-suraj-granth] [https://www.indiafacts.org.in/commentary/did-their-guru-tegh-bahadur-save-our-hindu-dharma/#_ftn32]

==Quotes about [[Guru]] Tegh Bahadur==

*This new community, the Khalsa Panth, remained an integral part of the Hindu social and religious system. It is significant that when [[Tegh Bahadur]] was summoned to Delhi, he went as a representative of the Hindus. He was executed in the year 1675. His son who succeeded him as guru later described his father’s martyrdom as in the cause of the Hindu faith, ‘to preserve their caste marks and their sacred thread did he perform the supreme sacrifice’. The guru himself looked upon his community as an integral part of the Hindu social system.
**Khushwant Singh: Many Faces, quoted from Elst, K. (2002). Who is a Hindu?: Hindu revivalist views of Animism, Buddhism, Sikhism, and other offshoots of Hinduism. New Delhi: Voice of India. Ch. 8

*[Aurangzeb] summoned the ninth [[Sikh]] Guru, Tegh Bahadur (1664-1675 A.D.), to the imperial seat at [[Delhi]] and martyred him in cold [[blood]] on his refusal to embrace Islam. Some followers of the [[Guru]] who had accompanied him were subjected to inhuman torture and torn to pieces. This was as it were a final signal that there was something very hard at the heart of Islam's heart which the Gurus had tried to soften with their teachings of humanism and universalism. [[Sikhism]] had to accept the challenge and pick up the [[sword]] in defence of its very existence.
**Swarup, Ram, &amp; Goel, S. R. (1985). Hindu-Sikh relationship.  (Introduction by S.R. Goel)

*The [[Sikh]] Gurus Tegh Bahadur, beheaded by [[Aurangzeb]] in 1675 for refusing to convert, and his son [[Govind Singh]], who founded the military Khalsa order and whose four sons were killed by the Moghul troops, are very popular in Hindutva glorifications of national heroes'. Their pictures are routinely displayed at functions of the RSS and its affiliates, and their holidays celebrated, e.g.: 'Over 650 branches of Bharat Vikas Parishad observe [[Guru]] Tegh Bahadur Martyrdom Day'.
** Elst, Koenraad (2002). [https://web.archive.org/web/20120717012302/http://www.bharatvani.org/books/wiah/ Who is a Hindu?: Hindu revivalist views of Animism, Buddhism, Sikhism, and other offshoots of Hinduism] ISBN 978-8185990743  Ch. 8

* Tegh Bahadur’s martyrdom in 1675 was of course in the service of Hinduism, in that it was an act of opposing Aurangzeb’s policy of forcible conversion. An arrest warrant against him had been issued on non-religious and nonpolitical charges, and he was found out after having gone into hiding; [[Aurangzeb]] gave him a chance to escape his punishment by converting to Islam. Being a devout Muslim, [[Aurangzeb]] calculated that the conversion of this [[Hindu]] sect leader would encourage his followers to convert along with him. The [[Guru]] was tortured and beheaded when he refused the offer to accept Islam, and one of his companions was sawed in two for having said that [[Islam]] should be destroyed.&lt;br/&gt; At any rate, he stood firm as a Hindu, telling [[Aurangzeb]] that he loved his [[Hindu]] Dharma and that [[Hindu]] Dharma would never die,-a statement conveniently overlooked in most neo-Sikh accounts. ... He was not a [[Sikh]] defending Hinduism, but a [[Hindu]] of the Nanakpanth defending his own [[Hindu]] religion...
** Elst, Koenraad (2002). [https://web.archive.org/web/20120717012302/http://www.bharatvani.org/books/wiah/ Who is a Hindu?: Hindu revivalist views of Animism, Buddhism, Sikhism, and other offshoots of Hinduism] ISBN 978-8185990743 

* In northern India, Gurdwara Sisgunj in Chandni Chowk, Delhi, stands witness to Aurangzeb's idea of punishment to non-Muslims. Here the Sikh Guru Tegh Bahadur was called upon to embrace Islam, and on his refusal was tortured for five days and then &quot;beheaded on a warrant from the emperor&quot; (December 1675).
**Lal, K. S. (1999). Theory and practice of Muslim state in India. New Delhi: Aditya Prakashan. Chapter 3

*The Guru defended the Hindu religion and gave the message of universal communion.
** PM Narendra Modi, December, 2020 [https://twitter.com/narendramodi/status/1340509798375157760?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw][https://www.opindia.com/2020/12/gurudwara-rakab-ganj-sahib-guru-tegh-bahadur-aurangzeb-viral-video-modi/]

*Sri Guru Tegh Bahadur Ji’s life epitomised courage and compassion. On his Shaheedi Diwas, I bow to the great Sri Guru Tegh Bahadur Ji and recall his vision for a just and inclusive society,
** PM Narendra Modi, December, 2020[https://twitter.com/narendramodi/status/1340127940760236035?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw][https://www.opindia.com/2020/12/gurudwara-rakab-ganj-sahib-guru-tegh-bahadur-aurangzeb-viral-video-modi/]

*    This morning, I prayed at the historic Gurudwara Rakab Ganj Sahib, where the pious body of Sri Guru Teg Bahadur Ji was cremated. I felt extremely blessed. I, like millions around the world, am deeply inspired by the kindnesses of Sri Guru Teg Bahadur Ji. pic.twitter.com/ECveWV9JjR
**    — Narendra Modi (@narendramodi) December 20, 2020 [https://twitter.com/narendramodi/status/1340510756027072514?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw] [https://tfipost.com/2020/12/pm-modis-message-to-the-sikh-community-is-very-subtle-but-very-clear/]

*    It is the special Kripa of the Guru Sahibs that we will mark the special occasion of the 400th Parkash Parv of Sri Guru Teg Bahadur Ji during our Government’s tenure.    Let us mark this blessed occasion in a historic way and celebrate the ideals of Sri Guru Teg Bahadur Ji. pic.twitter.com/GBiWMyih6D
**    — Narendra Modi (@narendramodi) December 20, 2020 [https://twitter.com/narendramodi/status/1340511035770294273?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw] [https://tfipost.com/2020/12/pm-modis-message-to-the-sikh-community-is-very-subtle-but-very-clear/]

*“It is well known in this world that we are the grandchildren of Guru Tegh Bahadur who went to Delhi and got himself beheaded rather than forsake his Dharma. Now, this group of Turks (Muslims) have threatened us with death but this Dharma will not go away. We will not die merely for fear of Turks. We will remain Hindus till death. Time devours everyone one day. Respected brother, reflect that for this life of four days, why should we lose our Dharma?”
**Statement by a son of Guru Gobind Singh. Attributed in Panth Prakash of Giani Gian Singh (1822-1921 CE) Cited in Sukhlal Updeshak (1926), p. 93. [https://www.indiafacts.org.in/commentary/did-their-guru-tegh-bahadur-save-our-hindu-dharma/]

*My father travelled towards the east and took the holy dip at several places of pilgrimage. When he reached the Triveni Sangam, he spent several days there performing charity and many meritorious acts. It is there that I appeared (in my mother’s womb) and then I took physical birth later in Patna.
**Guru Gobind Singh in his autobiography Bachitar Natak included within the Dasham Granth. Bachitar Natak 7.1-2ab. [https://www.indiafacts.org.in/commentary/did-their-guru-tegh-bahadur-save-our-hindu-dharma/]

*The Lord saved his Tilak and Janeau  He did a great sacrifice in this Kali (yuga).... For Dharma, he sacrificed himself.... With the departure of Tegh Bahadur The world was full of grief. Hai Hai Hai (sighs of sorrow) filled the entire world. Jai Jai Jai (shouts of victory and joy) filled the realm of the Devas (Heaven)
** Guru Gobind Singh describing his father’s martyrdom in  the Bachitar Natak: 5.13-16 [https://www.indiafacts.org.in/commentary/did-their-guru-tegh-bahadur-save-our-hindu-dharma/]

==See also==
*[[Guru Nanak]]
*[[Guru Arjan]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* [https://www.indiagift.in/occasions-delivery-online/birthday Birthday Gifts Online] 
* [https://www.sendbestgift.com/rakhi-gifts-delivery-online/Rakhi Gifts Online] 
[[Category:Sikhs]]
[[Category:Martyrs]]
[[Category:Executed people]]
[[Category:1621 births]]
[[Category:1675 deaths]]</text>
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      <text bytes="11795" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Guru teg bahadur.jpg|thumb|My answer is that I am a [[Hindu]] and I love [[Hindu]] dharma. How can anyone destroy it? It provides happiness both in this world as well as in the other world. There is no other religion like it. Only a deranged person or a fool would leave it to become vile. [[Hindu]] dharma would remain in the world for ever. It is not going to be destroyed by your efforts.]]
[[File:The site where Guru Teg Bahadur was executed under orders by Islamic ruler Aurangzeb.jpg|thumb|One who is not perturbed by misfortune, who is beyond comfort, attachment and fear, who considers gold as dust. He neither speaks ill of others nor feels elated by praise and shuns greed, attachments and arrogance. He is indifferent to ecstasy and tragedy, is not affected by honors or humiliations. He renounces expectations, greed. He is neither attached to the worldliness, nor lets senses and anger affect him. In such a person resides God.]]
[[File:Guru Teg bahadur ji.jpg|thumb|]]

'''[[w:Guru Tegh Bahadur|Guru Tegh Bahadur]]''' (1 April 1621 – 24 November 1675), revered as the ninth Nanak, was the ninth of ten Gurus of the [[Sikh]] religion. Tegh Bahadur continued in the spirit of the first guru, Nanak; his 115 poetic hymns are in the text [[Guru Granth Sahib]]. Tegh Bahadur resisted the forced conversions of Kashmiri Pandits and non-Muslims to Islam, and was publicly beheaded in 1675 on the orders of Mughal emperor [[Aurangzeb]] in [[Delhi]] for refusing to convert to [[Islam]].

==Quotes==

*'''My answer is that I am a [[Hindu]] and I love [[Hindu]] dharma. How can anyone destroy it? It provides happiness both in this world as well as in the other world. There is no other religion like it. Only a deranged person or a fool would leave it to become vile. [[Hindu]] dharma would remain in the world for ever. It is not going to be destroyed by your efforts.'''
**Tegh Bahadur’s Hindi reply to [[Aurangzeb]] when he was asked to become a Muslim.  	Kshitish Vedalankar: Storm in Punjab, p.178. 

*One who is not perturbed by misfortune, who is beyond comfort, attachment and fear, who considers [[gold]] as dust. He neither speaks ill of others nor feels elated by praise and shuns greed, attachments and arrogance. He is indifferent to ecstasy and tragedy, is not affected by honors or humiliations. He renounces expectations, greed. He is neither attached to the worldliness, nor lets senses and anger affect him. In such a person resides [[God]].
** Guru Tegh Bahadur, Sorath 633 (Translated by Gopal Singh), Tegh Bahadur (Translated by Gopal Singh) (2005). Mahalla nawan: compositions of [[Guru]] Tegh Bahādur-the ninth guru (from Sri [[Guru]] Granth Sahib): Bāṇī Gurū Tega Bahādara. Allied Publishers. pp. xxviii–xxxiii, 15–27. ISBN 978-81-7764-897-3.

* Let the path of the pure [khâlsâ panth] prevail all over the world, let the Hindu dharma dawn and all delusion disappear. &lt;br&gt; May I spread dharma and prestige of the Veda in the world and erase from it the sin of cow-slaughter.
**Gobind Singh, quoted in Shourie, Arun (1993). A secular agenda: For saving our country, for welding it. New Delhi, India: Rupa. also quoted in Elst, Koenraad (2002). Who is a Hindu?: Hindu revivalist views of Animism, Buddhism, Sikhism, and other offshoots of Hinduism. ISBN 978-8185990743

*Listen All! Said Tegh Bahadur: Those who stick to their Dharma are called brave. I know my Hindu Dharma to be the best. How can I forsake that which is very dear to me? It (Hindu Dharma) gives immense joy in this world and the next. Even life is trivial compared to honor. The fool whose intellect is corrupted, That idiot alone will forsake it. I will endure harm to establish Hindu Dharma in this world. It will never be destroyed even if you try.
**Attributed in Sri Gur Pratap Prakash written between 1835-1843 CE by Kavi Santokh Singh  [https://www.searchgurbani.com/sri-gur-pratap-suraj-granth] [https://www.indiafacts.org.in/commentary/did-their-guru-tegh-bahadur-save-our-hindu-dharma/#_ftn32]

==Quotes about [[Guru]] Tegh Bahadur==

*This new community, the Khalsa Panth, remained an integral part of the Hindu social and religious system. It is significant that when [[Tegh Bahadur]] was summoned to Delhi, he went as a representative of the Hindus. He was executed in the year 1675. His son who succeeded him as guru later described his father’s martyrdom as in the cause of the Hindu faith, ‘to preserve their caste marks and their sacred thread did he perform the supreme sacrifice’. The guru himself looked upon his community as an integral part of the Hindu social system.
**Khushwant Singh: Many Faces, quoted from Elst, K. (2002). Who is a Hindu?: Hindu revivalist views of Animism, Buddhism, Sikhism, and other offshoots of Hinduism. New Delhi: Voice of India. Ch. 8

*[Aurangzeb] summoned the ninth [[Sikh]] Guru, Tegh Bahadur (1664-1675 A.D.), to the imperial seat at [[Delhi]] and martyred him in cold [[blood]] on his refusal to embrace Islam. Some followers of the [[Guru]] who had accompanied him were subjected to inhuman torture and torn to pieces. This was as it were a final signal that there was something very hard at the heart of Islam's heart which the Gurus had tried to soften with their teachings of humanism and universalism. [[Sikhism]] had to accept the challenge and pick up the [[sword]] in defence of its very existence.
**Swarup, Ram, &amp; Goel, S. R. (1985). Hindu-Sikh relationship.  (Introduction by S.R. Goel)

*The [[Sikh]] Gurus Tegh Bahadur, beheaded by [[Aurangzeb]] in 1675 for refusing to convert, and his son [[Govind Singh]], who founded the military Khalsa order and whose four sons were killed by the Moghul troops, are very popular in Hindutva glorifications of national heroes'. Their pictures are routinely displayed at functions of the RSS and its affiliates, and their holidays celebrated, e.g.: 'Over 650 branches of Bharat Vikas Parishad observe [[Guru]] Tegh Bahadur Martyrdom Day'.
** Elst, Koenraad (2002). [https://web.archive.org/web/20120717012302/http://www.bharatvani.org/books/wiah/ Who is a Hindu?: Hindu revivalist views of Animism, Buddhism, Sikhism, and other offshoots of Hinduism] ISBN 978-8185990743  Ch. 8

* Tegh Bahadur’s martyrdom in 1675 was of course in the service of Hinduism, in that it was an act of opposing Aurangzeb’s policy of forcible conversion. An arrest warrant against him had been issued on non-religious and nonpolitical charges, and he was found out after having gone into hiding; [[Aurangzeb]] gave him a chance to escape his punishment by converting to Islam. Being a devout Muslim, [[Aurangzeb]] calculated that the conversion of this [[Hindu]] sect leader would encourage his followers to convert along with him. The [[Guru]] was tortured and beheaded when he refused the offer to accept Islam, and one of his companions was sawed in two for having said that [[Islam]] should be destroyed.&lt;br/&gt; At any rate, he stood firm as a Hindu, telling [[Aurangzeb]] that he loved his [[Hindu]] Dharma and that [[Hindu]] Dharma would never die,-a statement conveniently overlooked in most neo-Sikh accounts. ... He was not a [[Sikh]] defending Hinduism, but a [[Hindu]] of the Nanakpanth defending his own [[Hindu]] religion...
** Elst, Koenraad (2002). [https://web.archive.org/web/20120717012302/http://www.bharatvani.org/books/wiah/ Who is a Hindu?: Hindu revivalist views of Animism, Buddhism, Sikhism, and other offshoots of Hinduism] ISBN 978-8185990743 

* In northern India, Gurdwara Sisgunj in Chandni Chowk, Delhi, stands witness to Aurangzeb's idea of punishment to non-Muslims. Here the Sikh Guru Tegh Bahadur was called upon to embrace Islam, and on his refusal was tortured for five days and then &quot;beheaded on a warrant from the emperor&quot; (December 1675).
**Lal, K. S. (1999). Theory and practice of Muslim state in India. New Delhi: Aditya Prakashan. Chapter 3

*The Guru defended the Hindu religion and gave the message of universal communion.
** PM Narendra Modi, December, 2020 [https://twitter.com/narendramodi/status/1340509798375157760?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw][https://www.opindia.com/2020/12/gurudwara-rakab-ganj-sahib-guru-tegh-bahadur-aurangzeb-viral-video-modi/]

*Sri Guru Tegh Bahadur Ji’s life epitomised courage and compassion. On his Shaheedi Diwas, I bow to the great Sri Guru Tegh Bahadur Ji and recall his vision for a just and inclusive society,
** PM Narendra Modi, December, 2020[https://twitter.com/narendramodi/status/1340127940760236035?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw][https://www.opindia.com/2020/12/gurudwara-rakab-ganj-sahib-guru-tegh-bahadur-aurangzeb-viral-video-modi/]

*    This morning, I prayed at the historic Gurudwara Rakab Ganj Sahib, where the pious body of Sri Guru Teg Bahadur Ji was cremated. I felt extremely blessed. I, like millions around the world, am deeply inspired by the kindnesses of Sri Guru Teg Bahadur Ji. pic.twitter.com/ECveWV9JjR
**    — Narendra Modi (@narendramodi) December 20, 2020 [https://twitter.com/narendramodi/status/1340510756027072514?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw] [https://tfipost.com/2020/12/pm-modis-message-to-the-sikh-community-is-very-subtle-but-very-clear/]

*    It is the special Kripa of the Guru Sahibs that we will mark the special occasion of the 400th Parkash Parv of Sri Guru Teg Bahadur Ji during our Government’s tenure.    Let us mark this blessed occasion in a historic way and celebrate the ideals of Sri Guru Teg Bahadur Ji. pic.twitter.com/GBiWMyih6D
**    — Narendra Modi (@narendramodi) December 20, 2020 [https://twitter.com/narendramodi/status/1340511035770294273?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw] [https://tfipost.com/2020/12/pm-modis-message-to-the-sikh-community-is-very-subtle-but-very-clear/]

*“It is well known in this world that we are the grandchildren of Guru Tegh Bahadur who went to Delhi and got himself beheaded rather than forsake his Dharma. Now, this group of Turks (Muslims) have threatened us with death but this Dharma will not go away. We will not die merely for fear of Turks. We will remain Hindus till death. Time devours everyone one day. Respected brother, reflect that for this life of four days, why should we lose our Dharma?”
**Statement by a son of Guru Gobind Singh. Attributed in Panth Prakash of Giani Gian Singh (1822-1921 CE) Cited in Sukhlal Updeshak (1926), p. 93. [https://www.indiafacts.org.in/commentary/did-their-guru-tegh-bahadur-save-our-hindu-dharma/]

*My father travelled towards the east and took the holy dip at several places of pilgrimage. When he reached the Triveni Sangam, he spent several days there performing charity and many meritorious acts. It is there that I appeared (in my mother’s womb) and then I took physical birth later in Patna.
**Guru Gobind Singh in his autobiography Bachitar Natak included within the Dasham Granth. Bachitar Natak 7.1-2ab. [https://www.indiafacts.org.in/commentary/did-their-guru-tegh-bahadur-save-our-hindu-dharma/]

*The Lord saved his Tilak and Janeau  He did a great sacrifice in this Kali (yuga).... For Dharma, he sacrificed himself.... With the departure of Tegh Bahadur The world was full of grief. Hai Hai Hai (sighs of sorrow) filled the entire world. Jai Jai Jai (shouts of victory and joy) filled the realm of the Devas (Heaven)
** Guru Gobind Singh describing his father’s martyrdom in  the Bachitar Natak: 5.13-16 [https://www.indiafacts.org.in/commentary/did-their-guru-tegh-bahadur-save-our-hindu-dharma/]

==See also==
*[[Guru Nanak]]
*[[Guru Arjan]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* [https://www.indiagift.in/occasions-delivery-online/birthday Birthday Gifts Online] 
* [https://www.sendbestgift.com/rakhi-gifts-delivery-online/ Rakhi Gifts Online] 
[[Category:Sikhs]]
[[Category:Martyrs]]
[[Category:Executed people]]
[[Category:1621 births]]
[[Category:1675 deaths]]</text>
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      <comment>Reverted edit by [[User:223.190.83.202|223.190.83.202]] ([[User talk:223.190.83.202|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/223.190.83.202|contributions]]) to last version by Ilovemydoodle</comment>
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      <text bytes="11714" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Guru teg bahadur.jpg|thumb|My answer is that I am a [[Hindu]] and I love [[Hindu]] dharma. How can anyone destroy it? It provides happiness both in this world as well as in the other world. There is no other religion like it. Only a deranged person or a fool would leave it to become vile. [[Hindu]] dharma would remain in the world for ever. It is not going to be destroyed by your efforts.]]
[[File:The site where Guru Teg Bahadur was executed under orders by Islamic ruler Aurangzeb.jpg|thumb|One who is not perturbed by misfortune, who is beyond comfort, attachment and fear, who considers gold as dust. He neither speaks ill of others nor feels elated by praise and shuns greed, attachments and arrogance. He is indifferent to ecstasy and tragedy, is not affected by honors or humiliations. He renounces expectations, greed. He is neither attached to the worldliness, nor lets senses and anger affect him. In such a person resides God.]]
[[File:Guru Teg bahadur ji.jpg|thumb|]]

'''[[w:Guru Tegh Bahadur|Guru Tegh Bahadur]]''' (1 April 1621 – 24 November 1675), revered as the ninth Nanak, was the ninth of ten Gurus of the [[Sikh]] religion. Tegh Bahadur continued in the spirit of the first guru, Nanak; his 115 poetic hymns are in the text [[Guru Granth Sahib]]. Tegh Bahadur resisted the forced conversions of Kashmiri Pandits and non-Muslims to Islam, and was publicly beheaded in 1675 on the orders of Mughal emperor [[Aurangzeb]] in [[Delhi]] for refusing to convert to [[Islam]].

==Quotes==

*'''My answer is that I am a [[Hindu]] and I love [[Hindu]] dharma. How can anyone destroy it? It provides happiness both in this world as well as in the other world. There is no other religion like it. Only a deranged person or a fool would leave it to become vile. [[Hindu]] dharma would remain in the world for ever. It is not going to be destroyed by your efforts.'''
**Tegh Bahadur’s Hindi reply to [[Aurangzeb]] when he was asked to become a Muslim.  	Kshitish Vedalankar: Storm in Punjab, p.178. 

*One who is not perturbed by misfortune, who is beyond comfort, attachment and fear, who considers [[gold]] as dust. He neither speaks ill of others nor feels elated by praise and shuns greed, attachments and arrogance. He is indifferent to ecstasy and tragedy, is not affected by honors or humiliations. He renounces expectations, greed. He is neither attached to the worldliness, nor lets senses and anger affect him. In such a person resides [[God]].
** Guru Tegh Bahadur, Sorath 633 (Translated by Gopal Singh), Tegh Bahadur (Translated by Gopal Singh) (2005). Mahalla nawan: compositions of [[Guru]] Tegh Bahādur-the ninth guru (from Sri [[Guru]] Granth Sahib): Bāṇī Gurū Tega Bahādara. Allied Publishers. pp. xxviii–xxxiii, 15–27. ISBN 978-81-7764-897-3.

* Let the path of the pure [khâlsâ panth] prevail all over the world, let the Hindu dharma dawn and all delusion disappear. &lt;br&gt; May I spread dharma and prestige of the Veda in the world and erase from it the sin of cow-slaughter.
**Gobind Singh, quoted in Shourie, Arun (1993). A secular agenda: For saving our country, for welding it. New Delhi, India: Rupa. also quoted in Elst, Koenraad (2002). Who is a Hindu?: Hindu revivalist views of Animism, Buddhism, Sikhism, and other offshoots of Hinduism. ISBN 978-8185990743

*Listen All! Said Tegh Bahadur: Those who stick to their Dharma are called brave. I know my Hindu Dharma to be the best. How can I forsake that which is very dear to me? It (Hindu Dharma) gives immense joy in this world and the next. Even life is trivial compared to honor. The fool whose intellect is corrupted, That idiot alone will forsake it. I will endure harm to establish Hindu Dharma in this world. It will never be destroyed even if you try.
**Attributed in Sri Gur Pratap Prakash written between 1835-1843 CE by Kavi Santokh Singh  [https://www.searchgurbani.com/sri-gur-pratap-suraj-granth] [https://www.indiafacts.org.in/commentary/did-their-guru-tegh-bahadur-save-our-hindu-dharma/#_ftn32]

==Quotes about [[Guru]] Tegh Bahadur==

*This new community, the Khalsa Panth, remained an integral part of the Hindu social and religious system. It is significant that when [[Tegh Bahadur]] was summoned to Delhi, he went as a representative of the Hindus. He was executed in the year 1675. His son who succeeded him as guru later described his father’s martyrdom as in the cause of the Hindu faith, ‘to preserve their caste marks and their sacred thread did he perform the supreme sacrifice’. The guru himself looked upon his community as an integral part of the Hindu social system.
**Khushwant Singh: Many Faces, quoted from Elst, K. (2002). Who is a Hindu?: Hindu revivalist views of Animism, Buddhism, Sikhism, and other offshoots of Hinduism. New Delhi: Voice of India. Ch. 8

*[Aurangzeb] summoned the ninth [[Sikh]] Guru, Tegh Bahadur (1664-1675 A.D.), to the imperial seat at [[Delhi]] and martyred him in cold [[blood]] on his refusal to embrace Islam. Some followers of the [[Guru]] who had accompanied him were subjected to inhuman torture and torn to pieces. This was as it were a final signal that there was something very hard at the heart of Islam's heart which the Gurus had tried to soften with their teachings of humanism and universalism. [[Sikhism]] had to accept the challenge and pick up the [[sword]] in defence of its very existence.
**Swarup, Ram, &amp; Goel, S. R. (1985). Hindu-Sikh relationship.  (Introduction by S.R. Goel)

*The [[Sikh]] Gurus Tegh Bahadur, beheaded by [[Aurangzeb]] in 1675 for refusing to convert, and his son [[Govind Singh]], who founded the military Khalsa order and whose four sons were killed by the Moghul troops, are very popular in Hindutva glorifications of national heroes'. Their pictures are routinely displayed at functions of the RSS and its affiliates, and their holidays celebrated, e.g.: 'Over 650 branches of Bharat Vikas Parishad observe [[Guru]] Tegh Bahadur Martyrdom Day'.
** Elst, Koenraad (2002). [https://web.archive.org/web/20120717012302/http://www.bharatvani.org/books/wiah/ Who is a Hindu?: Hindu revivalist views of Animism, Buddhism, Sikhism, and other offshoots of Hinduism] ISBN 978-8185990743  Ch. 8

* Tegh Bahadur’s martyrdom in 1675 was of course in the service of Hinduism, in that it was an act of opposing Aurangzeb’s policy of forcible conversion. An arrest warrant against him had been issued on non-religious and nonpolitical charges, and he was found out after having gone into hiding; [[Aurangzeb]] gave him a chance to escape his punishment by converting to Islam. Being a devout Muslim, [[Aurangzeb]] calculated that the conversion of this [[Hindu]] sect leader would encourage his followers to convert along with him. The [[Guru]] was tortured and beheaded when he refused the offer to accept Islam, and one of his companions was sawed in two for having said that [[Islam]] should be destroyed.&lt;br/&gt; At any rate, he stood firm as a Hindu, telling [[Aurangzeb]] that he loved his [[Hindu]] Dharma and that [[Hindu]] Dharma would never die,-a statement conveniently overlooked in most neo-Sikh accounts. ... He was not a [[Sikh]] defending Hinduism, but a [[Hindu]] of the Nanakpanth defending his own [[Hindu]] religion...
** Elst, Koenraad (2002). [https://web.archive.org/web/20120717012302/http://www.bharatvani.org/books/wiah/ Who is a Hindu?: Hindu revivalist views of Animism, Buddhism, Sikhism, and other offshoots of Hinduism] ISBN 978-8185990743 

* In northern India, Gurdwara Sisgunj in Chandni Chowk, Delhi, stands witness to Aurangzeb's idea of punishment to non-Muslims. Here the Sikh Guru Tegh Bahadur was called upon to embrace Islam, and on his refusal was tortured for five days and then &quot;beheaded on a warrant from the emperor&quot; (December 1675).
**Lal, K. S. (1999). Theory and practice of Muslim state in India. New Delhi: Aditya Prakashan. Chapter 3

*The Guru defended the Hindu religion and gave the message of universal communion.
** PM Narendra Modi, December, 2020 [https://twitter.com/narendramodi/status/1340509798375157760?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw][https://www.opindia.com/2020/12/gurudwara-rakab-ganj-sahib-guru-tegh-bahadur-aurangzeb-viral-video-modi/]

*Sri Guru Tegh Bahadur Ji’s life epitomised courage and compassion. On his Shaheedi Diwas, I bow to the great Sri Guru Tegh Bahadur Ji and recall his vision for a just and inclusive society,
** PM Narendra Modi, December, 2020[https://twitter.com/narendramodi/status/1340127940760236035?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw][https://www.opindia.com/2020/12/gurudwara-rakab-ganj-sahib-guru-tegh-bahadur-aurangzeb-viral-video-modi/]

*    This morning, I prayed at the historic Gurudwara Rakab Ganj Sahib, where the pious body of Sri Guru Teg Bahadur Ji was cremated. I felt extremely blessed. I, like millions around the world, am deeply inspired by the kindnesses of Sri Guru Teg Bahadur Ji. pic.twitter.com/ECveWV9JjR
**    — Narendra Modi (@narendramodi) December 20, 2020 [https://twitter.com/narendramodi/status/1340510756027072514?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw] [https://tfipost.com/2020/12/pm-modis-message-to-the-sikh-community-is-very-subtle-but-very-clear/]

*    It is the special Kripa of the Guru Sahibs that we will mark the special occasion of the 400th Parkash Parv of Sri Guru Teg Bahadur Ji during our Government’s tenure.    Let us mark this blessed occasion in a historic way and celebrate the ideals of Sri Guru Teg Bahadur Ji. pic.twitter.com/GBiWMyih6D
**    — Narendra Modi (@narendramodi) December 20, 2020 [https://twitter.com/narendramodi/status/1340511035770294273?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw] [https://tfipost.com/2020/12/pm-modis-message-to-the-sikh-community-is-very-subtle-but-very-clear/]

*“It is well known in this world that we are the grandchildren of Guru Tegh Bahadur who went to Delhi and got himself beheaded rather than forsake his Dharma. Now, this group of Turks (Muslims) have threatened us with death but this Dharma will not go away. We will not die merely for fear of Turks. We will remain Hindus till death. Time devours everyone one day. Respected brother, reflect that for this life of four days, why should we lose our Dharma?”
**Statement by a son of Guru Gobind Singh. Attributed in Panth Prakash of Giani Gian Singh (1822-1921 CE) Cited in Sukhlal Updeshak (1926), p. 93. [https://www.indiafacts.org.in/commentary/did-their-guru-tegh-bahadur-save-our-hindu-dharma/]

*My father travelled towards the east and took the holy dip at several places of pilgrimage. When he reached the Triveni Sangam, he spent several days there performing charity and many meritorious acts. It is there that I appeared (in my mother’s womb) and then I took physical birth later in Patna.
**Guru Gobind Singh in his autobiography Bachitar Natak included within the Dasham Granth. Bachitar Natak 7.1-2ab. [https://www.indiafacts.org.in/commentary/did-their-guru-tegh-bahadur-save-our-hindu-dharma/]

*The Lord saved his Tilak and Janeau  He did a great sacrifice in this Kali (yuga).... For Dharma, he sacrificed himself.... With the departure of Tegh Bahadur The world was full of grief. Hai Hai Hai (sighs of sorrow) filled the entire world. Jai Jai Jai (shouts of victory and joy) filled the realm of the Devas (Heaven)
** Guru Gobind Singh describing his father’s martyrdom in  the Bachitar Natak: 5.13-16 [https://www.indiafacts.org.in/commentary/did-their-guru-tegh-bahadur-save-our-hindu-dharma/]

==See also==
*[[Guru Nanak]]
*[[Guru Arjan]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* [https://www.indiagift.in/occasions-delivery-online/birthday Birthday Gifts Online] 

[[Category:Sikhs]]
[[Category:Martyrs]]
[[Category:Executed people]]
[[Category:1621 births]]
[[Category:1675 deaths]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Petar Mitrikeski</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-26T23:16:53Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Kaltenmeyer</username>
        <id>359014</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>typo</comment>
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      <text bytes="579" xml:space="preserve">'''Petar Mitrikeski''' (28 November 1969), Croatian-Macedonian molecular biologist and geneticist of Bulgarian descent.

== Quotes ==
* &quot;[[Faith]] is accepted by [[free will]], not by [[reason]].&quot;
* &quot;Faith is a large epistemic tool i.e. method of acquiring new [[knowledge]] for which reason is blind.&quot;
** quoted in TV talk show [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_gVXNgWN8WU &quot;Peti dan&quot; (Fifth day) on Croatian Radiotelevision, 22 December 2017]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Mitrikeski, Petar}}
[[Category:Biologists]]
[[Category:1969 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
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  <page>
    <title>Steven Universe (season 5)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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      <comment>/* Lars of the Stars */</comment>
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      <text bytes="49467" xml:space="preserve">----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]]
----
{{italic title}}
The following is a list of quotes from the fifth season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''.

===''Stuck Together''===
:'''Aquamarine''': Say, Rose, how do I look?
:'''Steven''': Awful, small and mean!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Topaz''': What was I thinking?
:'''Aquamarine''': That's the problem with you fusions. Sooner or later, you will become ''sentimental.'' ''[the ship rumbles, coming to a stop and a notification pops up]'' We're here. Look, just… unfuse, and we'll never speak of this again.

===''The Trial''===
:'''Steven''': ''[speaking to himself]'' I know my mom did something really bad. Whatever Homeworld has in store for me… I'M READY!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prosecuting Zircon''': Defending a rebel? Isn't that… ''treason?'' ''[chuckles]''
:'''Defense Zircon''': I was ''assigned'' to this!
:''[Blue and Yellow Pearl warp in]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': All rise for the luminous Yellow Diamond! ''[poses]''
:'''Blue Pearl''': And the lustrous Blue Diamond. ''[bows]''
:''[Blue and Yellow Diamond warp in behind them, staring down at Steven]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[looking around]'' Where is the accused?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[looks down at Steven]'' Is that Rose Quartz? Look at this ''hideous'' she's taken. Forget the trial, we should shatter just for looking like that.
:'''Blue Diamond''': No. I want to hear her make her case. I want to know what she thinks we're going to do with her. Because  I want to do something ''worse''.
:''[Steven gulps nervously]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[warps in their throne chairs]'' Fine. Let's just get on with it, shall we?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I did it!
:'''Defense Zircon''': Wha… What, what?! Stop!
:'''Blue Diamond''': No! I want to hear what she has to say.
:''[Steven is elevated up to the Diamonds' height]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': State your name for the record, please.
:'''Steven''': I, um… I am Rose Quartz… and I'm guilty.
:'''Defense Zircon''': Wait! No, don't say that!
:'''Steven''': Everything you guys I did, I did. And I did it by myself. I'm sorry. I'll accept any punishment you want to give me. ''[points down to Lars]'' Just let him go! And leave the Earth alone.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Ha! Sounds like a solid confession to me.
:'''Blue Diamond''': How? How did you do it? How did you shatter Pink Diamond?
:'''Steven''': ''[nervously]'' Um, well…I did it on Earth in front of Pink Diamond's palanquin. I was probably like &quot;Stop!&quot; And she was all like, &quot;No!&quot; So we fought -- I think. And she probably did some cool moves. I probably did some cool stuff, too, some jump-kicks and stuff. But I was most likely deeply conflicted about deciding to shatter her. Definitely crying. I probably had to use the Breaking Point to do it.
:'''Blue Diamond''': It was a ''sword!'' ''[covers her eyes, crying and a blue light fills the room, making everyone except Lars tear up]'' You… shattered her… with a sword! ''[starts sobbing]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[walks up and comforts Blue]'' That's quite enough testimony from you! We shall take a short recess.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Defense Zircon''': What are you saying in there?! &quot;Maybe&quot; this, &quot;probably&quot; that! Oh, what do you mean, ''probably''?!
:'''Steven''': Look I just... I don't actually know how it happened, okay?
:'''Defense Zircon''': You don't ''know''?!
:'''Steven''': I...
:'''Defense Zircon''': ''[grabs Steven by the shirt collar and picks him up]'' Don't tumble my rocks! Both our gems are on the line! Did you do this or not?!
:'''Steven''': It was me, alright! ''[Defense Zircon let's go of his shirt and drops him]'' Rose Quartz did it, and I've got her gem, so I'm the one who's got to pay for this.
:'''Defense Zircon''': You don't know how it happened. ''[Steven shakes his head]'' I get it. There's a reason they want you to explain how you did it.
:'''Steven''': Huh?
:'''Defense Zircon''': It's because it doesn't make sense!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You think you can get away, Rose? You stood your ground on that little speck called Earth. But you're on ''our'' world now.

===''Off Colors''===
:'''Padparadscha''': Oh my gosh, something incredible is going to happen to Lars!

===''Lars' Head''===
:'''Steven''': But it doesn't feel right to just leave you here.
:'''Lars''': You said yourself that everyone on this planet is out to get you. You won't be safe until you're back on Earth.
:'''Steven''': But, Lars--
:'''Lars''': Don't argue with me! You're always trying to help me. You brought me back to life. Just let me be somebody who deserved it.

===''Dewey Wins''===

===''Gemcation''===

===''Raising the Barn''===

===''Back to the Kindergarten''===
:'''Peridot''': This used to make sense to me. I thought life was generated in a kindergarten. Formless, aimless energy channeled into new, useful gems. But life doesn't start in a kindergarten. It ends here. I've gotten used to plants everywhere. Bugs and breeze and sunshine...all of that has been sucked out of this place. 

===''Sadie Killer''===

===''Kevin Party''===

===''Lars of the Stars''===
:'''Emerald''': ''[on screen]'' It's over! I've got you now you miserable off-colors!
:'''Lars''': You'll ''never'' take us alive, Emerald!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lars''': You don't get it, do you, Steven? ''[starts tearing up and sniffles]'' It should be me. ''[starts crying]'' ''I'm'' I'm the one that should be hanging out with the Cool Kids! She's getting back at me for everything I've done!
:'',Connie''': Do you really think Sadie is living her life ''just'' to get back at you?
:'''Lars''': Why else would she be having so much fun without me?!
:'''Steven''': Because life goes on, no matter what happens. She was so upset when she found out you'd be stuck in space, Lars. She really misses you, but, she can't stay sad forever. She started hanging out with the Cool Kids. She quit the Big Donut, all because she needed to do ''something'' to feel better.
:'''Connie''': And look at you! Steven said you'd be hiding in some cave on Homeworld, but you're not! You're out here fighting for freedom with all your new friends in tow! Are ''you'' doing any of this to hurt Sadie?
:'''Lars''': No! I'm doing this because I have to. ''[tears up]'' I'd never do this to hurt Sadie because-
:'''Steven''': Because!
:'''Connie''': Because!
:'''Both''': Because you're best friends!
:''[Lars watches them fuse into Stevonnie]''
:'''Stevonnie''': And best friends wouldn't do anything to hurt each other!

===''Jungle Moon''===
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[squealing in excitement]'' Whoa, cool! Yellow! ''[jumps up to her chair]'' Hey, Yellow.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Oh, you're still here.
:'''Stevonnie''': What are you doing?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm commanding the dropships to colonize this planet.
:'''Stevonnie''': I wanna command a dropship!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Well, when you have your ''own'' colony, you can command whatever you want.
:'''Stevonnie''': I want a colony! ''[Yellow Diamond presses buttons on the panel with four diamonds]'' I want one now! ''[screen unlocks revealing a dropship on the panel]'' What's this?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm contacting the leader of the fleet.
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[amazed]'' Let me do it! ''[starts pressing buttons on the screen but Yellow Diamond grabs her arm]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[angrily]'' DON'T TOUCH THAT!
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[irritated]'' Why ''not''? You have so many worlds and I don't even have ''one''! It's not fair! I want ONE! I want my own ''army''! I want my own ''planet''! I deserve it! I'm just as important as ''YOU''!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[angrily]'' Then why don't you act like it, Pink?!
:''[Stevonnie walks away, holding their arm, angry; approach a window and their fist clenches; Pink Diamond is seen through their reflection and the hand punches the glass smashing it; She suddenly wakes up from the dream, falling out of the hammock on the ground]''
:'''Stevonnie''': (''talking through Connie'') Whoa! ''[breathing hard]'' Steven, what was that? (''talking through Steven'') Diamonds. I'm having Diamond dreams again. But, why now? Why ''here''? ''[looks up and see a mural of Yellow Diamond]'' No way.

===''Your Mother and Mine''===
:'''Garnet''': Come on, everyone. Let me tell you the story of the ''real'' Rose Quartz. ''[Flashback story begins; narrating]'' It was Era 1. The Diamonds, unique in their flawlessness, sought to expand their perfection across the galaxy. And it was for this purpose that Pink Diamond chose her first colony-- the planet Earth. On Earth, every Gem was made to serve Pink Diamond, each with a role to play in her world's perfect empire. In comparison to their creator, their existence was ordinary. They were life-forms only meant to fit their mold, and no one had ever dared to think otherwise. Until, there was Rose Quartz. In stature, she was no different than any other Quartz, and for a time, she did her best to carry out her Diamond's bidding. However, she began to take notice of her strange colony and the life that existed there. Curiosity turned to appreciation. Appreciation turned to fondness. And fondness… turned to love. Soon she was unable to keep her findings secret, and she began asking her fellow Gems if they knew of the life on Earth and what they made of it. She continued to pry her fellow Kindergartners with questions so odd, that word of her eventually made its way to Pink Diamond. Rose Quartz was summoned at once.
:'''Pink Diamond''': Quartz, what have you been saying down there?
:'''Rose''': My Diamond, it has come to my attention that your colony, Earth, bears life. While I know these organic life-forms serve no purpose, I ask that we leave this planet and spare their lives.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Pink Diamond thought for a moment, and then laughed, a wicked, empty sound.
:'''Pink Diamond''': ''[laughing]'' You wish to save these life-forms at the expense of our own? Ha! Don't be absurd. Return to your post, and I will forget your insolence.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' And with that, Rose Quartz was dragged back to her kindergarten for duty. ''[A gem drags Rose away and she continues working]'' Only Rose could no longer stand to continue aiding in the destruction of Earth. She had no choice. She had to fight.
:'''Rose''': ''[stops working and jumps into the air, changing her uniform into a dress before destroying an injector, stands on the broken injector and speaks to the other Quartzes]'' Is this what you want -- to inject, to build?! I've seen the life that exists for itself, and it lives here! Will you destroy it, or will you join it?
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Rose's message began to resonate to Pink Diamond's dismay. Her colony was falling apart. So, like a coward, she called for her Diamond allies, Yellow and Blue, to help. But Rose also found herself with allies, other Gems that were cast out for being wrong -- a Pearl who belonged to no one… a Bismuth who built weapons for rebels instead of towers for tyrants… An entirely new fusion, for not power, but for love… And countless others, all inspired by Rose to live for ourselves on Earth. She was our leader. And Earth was our precious home. And those who fought to save it became known as…the Crystal Gems!
:'''Rhodonite''': Unbelievable!
:'''Rutile Twins''': There were Gems like us?
:'''Padparadscha''': Fighting.
:'''Fluorite''': For… their… freedom?
:'''Garnet''': Yes, and we were fearless! ''[Flashback resumes; narrating]'' It was an impossible fight, but we fought anyway. And the more Gems who saw us, the more who joined. But Pink Diamond's forces proved too strong. Rose feared that soon she would have nothing left to protect. Rose Quartz drew her rebel blade… and shattered Pink Diamond, saving the Earth for all time from her reign of terror.
:'''Rutile Twins''': Wow! That's incredible! I don't believe it!
:'''Lars''': ''[to Steven]'' Your mom did all that? That's awesome!
:'''Rhodonite''': Wait. What about the rest? What happened after that?
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The other Diamonds were furious. In a last-ditch attempt to wipe out the Rebellion, the Diamonds launched a direct attack against Earth. And in their fury, they used their powers to end the fighting once and for all.
:'''Padparadscha''': I predict this story won't have a happy ending.
:'''Rutile Twins''': We were all told different stories. But they all ended the same way.
:'''Fluorite''': With Rose Quartz… being… defeated.
:'''Rhodonite''': This new version of the story is even worse! So, she was great, and they beat her? What are we supposed to get out of this -- that we can never win?!
:'''Garnet''': We haven't yet, but we can, and we will. They said they annihilated Rose's rebellion, but here ''we'' are. They said they annihilated all of you on Homeworld, but here ''you'' are! They think they have us on the run, but they're the ones that are running from the truth. And the truth is we... are... everywhere!
:'''Rhodonite''': But how many more of us can there be?
:'''Steven''': Way more than you think! I was only on Homeworld for, like, an hour before I ran in to you guys. There must be Off Colors all over the place.
:'''Garnet''': Rose used to say there was something about Earth -- something that set Gems free. But it's not just Earth. Look at you. Love, freedom -- it's universal. You all prove it every moment you live as yourselves. You can show everyone.
:'''Fluorite''': We… can do that?
:'''Lars''': Not while we're floating out here like sitting ducks.

===''The Big Show''===

===''Pool Hopping''===
:'''Garnet''': I think I get it.
:'''Steven''': Hm?
:'''Garnet''': Why my future vision has been so off. I have to change the way I think about you. 
:'''Steven''': What?
:'''Garnet''': I've been looking into probable futures where you act like a child. I keep expecting you to run from responsibility and to turn to me for help, but you don't do that anymore. Those futures aren't probable at all. There's nothing wrong with this timeline or my future vision. I just need to factor in that you've grown up.

===''Letters to Lars''===

===''Can't Go Back''===
:'''Blue Diamond''': But this is what you wanted.
:'''Steven''': ''[wakes up and gasps; turns to see Lapis is nowhere to be seen]'' Lapis? ''[turns forward to the silhouettes of Blue, Yellow, and Pink Diamond]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': You begged us for a colony of your own, and now all you want to do is be rid of it. First there were too many organics. Then their cities were too difficult to dismantle, and -- and now these Crystal Gems. We're tired of your excuses, Pink. We're tired of your excuses, Pink.
:'''Steven''': The Diamonds.
:'''Blue Diamonds''': This Rose Quartz can't hurt you. You can't be swayed by a few unruly Gems. ''[Holds her hand up as Pink Diamond is about to say something]'' Enough! You must understand, you are a Diamond. Everyone on this planet is looking to you. You don't even have to do anything. Just smile and wave. Show everyone you're unfazed by this little uprising. Your Gems will fall into line, and these Crystal Gems will be no more. As long as you are there to rule, this colony will be completed.

===''A Single Pale Rose''===
:'''Steven''': It better not turn out that her phone was in her pocket...or she left it on the dresser or dropped it in the toilet. Seems about as likely as putting it away in your repressed war memories.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Steven returns from Pearl's gem after learning the truth about how Rose Quartz &quot;shattered&quot; Pink Diamond]''
:'''Steven''': I know.  
:'''Pearl''': ''[tearing up]'' I wanted to tell you for ''so'' long.
:'''Steven''': Mom was Pink Diamond.
:''[Garnet and Amethyst stand in shock behind Steven]''
:'''Amethyst''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAAAAAAAAAT?!?'''&lt;/big&gt;

===''Now We're Only Falling Apart''===
:'''Amethyst''': Let me get this straight. Rose Quartz, leader of the Crystal Gems, Steven's mom, was actually Pink Diamond?!
:'''Steven''': She faked her own shattering, and reformed to be Rose all the time.
:'''Pearl''': Pink Diamond's final command to me was that no one could know, but now that Steven does, I can finally tell you all everything!
:'''Amethyst''': Phew! I mean, a pink lion, a pink sword, and now Pink Diamond?! Huh, if you told me Rose invented cotton candy, I'd believe it. Right, Garnet? Uh, Garnet?
:'''Garnet''': ''[shaking and gets up]'' Rose. She... she... ''[struggles to stay stable and defuses into Ruby and Sapphire]''
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire...
:'''Sapphire''': ''[betrayed and heartbroken with fury]'' '''SHE LIED TO US!''' She lied about EVERYTHING! She held our hands, looked us right in the eyes, and told us to never question who we are as Garnet. We never questioned ourselves, or her!
:'''Ruby''': We couldn't have known!
:'''Sapphire''': No, you couldn't have known. You never know what's going on. That's what I'm for!
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire...
:'''Sapphire''': But I never looked into her, I trusted her... I let her make fools of us all!
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire, wait!
:'''Steven''': Guys! ''[slips on the ice Sapphire had caused due to her stress]''
:'''Ruby''': Please...We can just stay calm and talk about this, right? Let's just, talk.
:'''Sapphire''': Talk about what? How our relationship is based on a lie? What else is there to say? ''[warps to Rose's Fountain]''
:'''Pearl''': Ruby, I am so sorry...
:'''Steven''': Come on, Pearl. Help me explain everything to Sapphire.
:'''Pearl''': Right.
:'''Steven''': Sit tight, Ruby. We'll go and get Sapphire.
:'''Ruby''': Okay. ''[starts crying]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sapphire''': ''[grieving]'' Everything we were running from, she was right there all along…using us for her little war…smiling at us with those knowing eyes… Making me believe in a better future that I couldn't see, because it wasn't real. And now here we are, our friends, shattered, and corrupted…of course she was a Diamond. What a long road she took to torture us all like this.
:'''Steven''': It wasn't like that. You know she didn't want anyone to get hurt.
:'''Sapphire''': I don't know that! I clearly don't know anything.
:'''Pearl''': You deserve to know everything. I was given to Pink Diamond a few thousand years before she was given the Earth. I was supposed to make her happy, I just never could.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': Is everything alright, my Diamond? You seem troubled.
:'''Rose''': All this life that's been growing wild here on Earth…none of it will survive my invasion. We're not creating life from nothing. We're ''taking'' life, and leaving nothing behind.
:'''Pearl''': Forgive me, my Diamond. I shouldn't have brought you to such a place.
:'''Rose''': No. I needed to see this.
:''[scene shifts back to the fountain]''
:'''Steven''': So she ''did'' want to protect Earth. She didn't realize what the colony was doing to the planet.
:'''Sapphire''': So what?! She suddenly started to care about Earth? Why did she have to rope us into all this? Why couldn't she just stop the colonization herself?
:'''Pearl''': She ''tried''. When she told the other Diamonds she didn't want to go through with the colony, they told her to finish what she started. When she told the other Diamonds she wanted to preserve life on Earth, they created the zoo and threw a handful of humans in. She did everything she could as Pink Diamond. But her status meant nothing to Blue and Yellow. So she decided to make a stand, as someone they couldn't ignore. She was going to scare every Gem off the planet. But everything changed when she saw…your fusion.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': Before Garnet, Rose was only fighting for Earth. But Garnet changed everything. Rose wanted to fight for her, she wanted to fight for Gems! And maybe she was foolish, and maybe even...selfish, but she was-
:'''Sapphire''': Following us.
:'''Pearl''': What?
:'''Sapphire''': This whole time, we thought we were following her, but she was following ''us''. How could she not after you swept her off her feet?

===''What's your Problem''===

===''The Question''===

===''Made of Honor''===
:'''Steven''': So, my Dad will finish playing the music, and then next you'll do the &quot;I do&quot;s. And then I'll say… &quot;I now pronounce you Garnet.&quot; And then you fuse! Everyone will cheer!
:'''Sapphire''': Everyone… who survived.
:'''Ruby''': Huh?
:'''Sapphire''': Oh, it's just… There's so many old friends who won't be able to come. All the Crystal Gems who were corrupted and bubbled in the basement.
:'''Ruby''': Maybe we could bring the bubbles up here?
:'''Sapphire''': No, no. It's not safe. We can't risk them getting out.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bismuth''': Hey everyone. Did you guys &quot;Bismi-th&quot; me?
:''[Pearl, Sapphire, Ruby and Amethyst drop their sodas simultaneously]''
:'''Peridot''': Ha! I win! Also, less importantly, who are you?
:'''Steven''': I… invited Bismuth! I hope that's cool.
:'''Sapphire''': ''[slowly walks up to her]'' Bismuth. ''[hugs her]''
:'''Bismuth''': Whoa, Sapphire!
:'''Pearl and Ruby''': Bismuth! ''[tackle her to the floor, and begin nuzzling her]''
:'''Sapphire''': You wouldn't believe what we've all been through. I'm so sorry! We should've-
:'''Bismuth''': Look, I'm right there with you, Steven filled me in.
:'''Peridot''': So, is anyone going to introduce me?
:'''Amethyst''': Let's give 'em some space.

===''Reunited''===
:'''Steven''': Dearly beloved Gems, humans, lions big and small, living gourds, Onion, we are gathered here today to celebrate Ruby and Sapphire, two of my favorite people, who combine into one of my ''other'' favorite people! You all probably know her as Garnet. She's their love, given form. Now it's your turn to talk about that.
:'''Ruby''': I know this is all kind of silly, I mean, we've been together for 5,750 years.
:'''Sapphire''': And 8 months.
:'''Ruby''': I used to feel like I wasn't much good, just one of me on my own. But when we're together, it feels like it's okay to just be me. So I wanna be me, with you, an-and, not even the Diamonds will come between us. And if they try, we'll beat em up!
:'''Sapphire''': Ruby, my future used to look like one single, obvious stream, unbending 'til the end of time. In an instant, you pulled me from that destiny and opened my eye to an explosion of infinite possible futures, streaking across space and time, altered and obliterated by the smallest force of will. ''[beat]'' What I mean is, you changed my life. And then, I changed your life. And now, we changed our lives.
:'''Steven''': Bismuth, the rings.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[gently bumps Bismuth]'' Hey Bismuth, that's your cue.
:''[Bismuth, touched and crying by the vows, approaches them with the rings]''
:'''Steven''': Ruby, do you take this Gem to have and to hold, on this and every other planet in the universe!?
:'''Ruby''': I DO!
:'''Steven''': And Sapphire, do you-
:'''Sapphire''': Yes.
:'''Steven''': ''[whispering]'' You didn't let me finish.
:'''Sapphire''': I'm just very excited.
:'''Steven''': Then by the power vested in me by the state of Delmarva, I now pronounce you… Garnet!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': What a wonderful idea. Humans found a way to make a moment's decision last forever. I won't need future vision to know I'll always remember this.
:'''Steven''': I'm so glad. ''[starts tearing up]''
:'''Garnet''': Oh no. I'm sorry. Don't cry.
:'''Steven''': ''[wipes off the tears]'' I guess seeing everyone together got me really choked up. ''[bigger tears begin flowing out of his eyes]'' Wait a second. You don't think…?
:'''Garnet''': ''[takes off her visor, opening her third eye]'' Blue Diamond!
:'''Steven''': She's here?!
:'''Garnet''': And she's not alone.
:''[The sky darkens quickly and everyone looks up to the sky, seeing Blue and Yellow Diamond's ships approaching]''
:'''Steven''': Oh, no. It's the Diamonds! ''[runs up to Nanefua]'' Nanefua, get on your Nane-phone! We've got a code blue ''and'' a code yellow!
:'''Garnet''':
:''[As the Diamond ships approach the beach, they fly overhead them]''
:'''Peridot''': WE'RE OVER HERE, YOU CLODS!
:'''Pearl''': Wha- where are they going?!
:'''Steven''': If they're not here for us, they must be here for the Cluster!
:'''Bismuth''': What's the Cluster?
:'''Steven''': It's a huge earth-destroying geo-weapon that the Diamonds made out of a bajillion gem shards!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': You cannot fathom how much I've mourned, what thousands of years of grief has done to me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': I know this sword. This is the sword that '''SHATTERED HER!''' ''[shatters the sword as Steven gasps, which made Connie fall down only to be caught by Lion]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Blue Diamond!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Who are you supposed to be?
:'''Garnet''': I am the will of two Gems to care for each other, to protect each other from any threat, no matter how vast or how cruel. You couldn't stop me 5,750 years ago, and you can't stop me now!
:'''Blue Diamond''': It's you, that Ruby and Sapphire that disrupted my court.
:'''Garnet''': This is supposed to be MY day!
:'''Blue Diamond''': You hope to defeat me by clinging to my feet?
:'''Garnet''': I just needed to keep you from taking three steps to the right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': Lapis Lazuli? Does every Gem that comes in contact with this planet turn traitor?!
:'''Lapis''': I've felt ''worse.''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': With all our strength together, we can take her down!
:'''Steven''': That's right! This is our home, our planet, our friends and family! We are the Crystal Gems!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Pathetic! You are &lt;big&gt;'''NOTHING!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Ha! I told her off, once. I can do it again. ''[jumps off Bismuth's hands and runs up to Yellow Diamond]'' Hey! Yellow Clod! '''''REMEMBER ME?!'''''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': No. ''[zaps and poofs Peridot to her gemstone]''
:'''Steven''': Stop! ''[jumps off Garnet's hands and runs up to the Diamonds]'' Don't do this! Listen to me, ''I'm'' the one you're missing! I'm Pink Diamond!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[shocked and angry]'' You! ''[charges towards Steven as he summons his shield]''
:'''Garnet''': Steven!
:''[Yellow Diamond stomps her foot on Steven in fury, knocking him out unconsciously]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lapis Lazuli''': What else have you got?! I've only just begun to fight! ''[gets zapped and poofed to her gemstone by Yellow Diamond]''
:'''Steven''': ''[shocked gasp]'' Lapis!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''How miserable. I knew Pink couldn't handle her own colony. But, I gave in. And now, I'm to blame for her fate.''
:'''Steven''': Ah, her thoughts are too strong!
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''What good will any of this do? The more I make these Gems suffer, the more I long to see you again, Pink.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': This feeling, I know it!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': It must be a trick! Show yourself, foe!
:'''Steven''': I'm not your foe. Please, just listen to me!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': There!
:'''Steven''': ''Please, the fighting has to stop. We aren't enemies. We're family. Please listen to me. I need you to know who I am!!!''
:'''Blue Diamond''': Impossible.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': This aura...
:'''Blue Diamond''': It's you! Pink!

===''Legs From Here to Homeworld''===
:'''Garnet''': We can't just hand Steven over to Blue Diamond, she's a shatterer!
:'''Bismuth''': She's not gonna hurt him, look at her. She really thinks he's one of them.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[sobbing loudly]'' Somebody make Blue Diamond stop!
:'''Connie''': Are you guys okay?
:'''Pearl''': It's just… ''[sniffles]'' Blue Diamond's power. She's obviously relieved that Pink Diamond wasn't shattered after all.
:''[Yellow Diamond tries to reactive her ship and Blue Diamond's, but are too damaged]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmm. How could you do this to us, Pink? Why did you let us think you were shattered? Why the strange disguise? Why are you doing a voice? Why didn't you say something at the trial?! And Blue, could you please stop crying? I can't see. ''[wipes her tears, splashing the Gems]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': Sorry. ''[sets Steven down]''
:'''Steven''': My mom kept it secret from everyone.
:'''Pearl''': Ahem.
:'''Steven''': Almost everyone.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What are you talking about?
:'''Steven''': Well, apparently, Mom… Oh, geez. You don't know what a mom is. Okay, Pink Diamond took the form of Rose Quartz permanently after faking her shattering. Then, Rose Quartz gave up ''that'' form to create a new life with my dad-- me. Rose passed her gemstone and some of her powers onto me, but that's all. I-I don't have any of Pink ''or'' Rose's memories. I'm sorry.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmm. I'm sure your memories are in there somewhere, Pink.
:'''Steven''': Actually, I go by &quot;Steven.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': We can only do so much, if it was the ''four'' of us.
:'''Blue Diamond''': Oh, no. We can't let ''her'' see this!
:'''Steven''': Who? Who do we need?!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What do you mean, &quot;who?&quot; White.
:'''Pearl''': ''[shocked]'' White Diamond?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While traveling to Homeworld]''
:'''Steven''': Should I have brought a gift for White Diamond? We ''are'' dropping in unexpectedly, and… I want to make a good first impression. Her help will mean everything for the Corrupted Gems.
:'''Pearl''': Steven...
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmph. &quot;Good impression&quot;? We'll be lucky if she ever ''speaks'' to us again after this.
:'''Steven''': But...
:'''Blue Diamond''': The thing is, White... can be... ''difficult''.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': When we show up in this ship, it will be irrefutable that the last 6,000 years are now the biggest galactic embarrassment that's ever happened. And ''we're'' the ones to blame. (''to Steven'') If you don't want to be in a bubble for the next few millennia, I suggest you let ''me'' do the talking.

===''Familiar''===
:'''Steven''': Pearl!
:'''Pearl''': Steven! ''[runs over to Steven and hugs him]'' Oh, thank the stars! You're okay! What did White Diamond do? Did she hurt you?
:'''Steven''': No, she was like, &quot;Welcome home.&quot; I don't think she understands that I'm not Pink Diamond. Where's Connie? And Garnet and Amethyst?
:'''Pearl''': They're still on the ship. ''[summons a hot dog bag]'' I'm only here because I'm bringing your things. And they consider me one of your things.
:'''Steven''': Yeesh.
:''[Diamond chime plays]''
:'''Pearl''': The Diamond chime -- it's Yellow.
:''[The door opens, revealing Yellow Pearl standing right there]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Diamond, my Diamond has requested your presence in the extraction chamber.
:'''Pearl''': Let's get you into a suit. ''[opens the bag]''
:''[Steven, wearing his yellow swimsuit, Pearl, and Yellow Pearl walk through a yellow hallway]''
:'''Steven''': Swim trunks don't seem very formal.
:'''Pearl''': Trust me, this will be more comfortable than jeans.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Diamond.
:'''Steven''': Please, call me Steven.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Steven.
:'''Steven''': No, just Steven.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Just Steven.
:'''Steven''': Call me... Lasagna.
:'''Pearl''': Steven, stop. You're going to break her. ''[opens the extraction chamber door]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Have a nice extraction, Pink Lasagna.
:''[Steven walks into the extraction chamber sauna]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Pink.
:'''Steven''': Hi, Yellow. Cool sauna.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': It's new. Have a seat. ''[Steven uses his floating powers to jump up and takes a seat]'' So, you met with White. How was it?
:'''Steven''': All I got to say was, &quot;Hi,&quot; and, &quot;um,&quot; and, &quot;I.&quot;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Two and a half words -- that's a record.
:'''Steven''': Two and a half words isn't enough. I still need to talk to White about healing all the corrupted Gems!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmm. Good luck. White never leaves her own head these days, and she never lets anyone in -- except you, I guess. It's so unfair. I have hundreds of successful crystal system colonies, but you get to see her because your one colony is a failure!
:'''Steven''': Maybe you should just… ''fail?''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[looks momentarily shocked, then starts laughing]'' Oh, Pink, you always did have quite a knack for making me laugh. You're almost worth the trouble.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Pearl''': ''[showing up]'' Pink Diamond, my Diamond was requested your presence.
:''[Steven, Pearl, and Blue Pearl walk down a blue hallway]''
:'''Steven''': We barely talked about White at all. She had to rush to do a report, and I couldn't go with her. I get they're, like, busy, 'cause they're dictators and everything, but I need more time! ''[gasps and face-palms]'' I should have asked her what she was doing after the Citron thing!
:'''Pearl''': She'll be at that for a while. Yellow Diamond oversees all aspects of Gem production on every single one of her colonies. And when she's not doing that, she's off with her army, conquering the next one.
:'''Steven''': What about their days off, weekends?
:'''Blue Pearl''': My Diamond is awaiting our arrival.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Pearl''': ''[turns to Pearl]'' Welcome back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': You're here! Come in.
:'''Steven''': Okay! ''[runs and jumps into the pool, laughing]'' Whoo-hoo! (''laughing'') It's funny! I -- I live right next to the ocean, but I end up going to space to swim.
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[laughs, causing the pool to shake a bit]'' You haven't changed. So silly. So small.
:'''Steven''': I'm not done growing. I'm not sure I can catch up to you and Yellow, though.
:'''Blue Diamond''': I'm so glad you're back... Steven.
:'''Steven''': Y-You actually said my name!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Steven. Steee-von? (''chuckles'') It's such a funny sounding name. You're so creative, Pink.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': (''sighs'') This is so weird. Was this some sort of spa day or something? And what about Pink? Did she have a job here, or did she just sit in a room while they were off doing whatever?
:'''Pearl''': Before her colony, Pink used to throw massive balls.
:'''Steven''': ''[surprised]'' She was a juggler?!
:'''Pearl''': No -- Well, yes. But she would also throw parties for the other Diamonds to mark their many accomplishments. Every member of every court would show up to bask in the presence of all four Diamonds.
:'''Steven''': Even White would come?
:'''Pearl''': Oh, yes! Huh. I wonder what's even become of Pink's court.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ♫ Oh, I'll get them all together in one place / And once we're all together face-to-face / I'll show them all the error of their ways / And stop their spread of terror across space! ♫

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I figured it out! Remember back when I was little and maybe kind of annoying, and I couldn't come along on adventures? You guys would still drop everything to hang out with me! That's Pink Diamond! I know I can do this! Just watch -- I'm gonna throw a huge ball, and I'm gonna invite everyone!

===''Together Alone''===
:'''Pearl''': The Pebbles have been working all night. What do you think?
:'''Steven''': It almost feels like home.
:'''Garnet''': Almost.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': A ball? We haven't had a ball in 6,000 years.
:'''Blue Diamond''': We haven't had Pink in 6,000 years!
:'''Steven''': Yeah! When White Diamond shows up we can tell her why we need her help on Earth!
:'''Blue Diamond''': And, this can also mark the beginning of Era 3.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You're right, it's brilliant.
:'''Steven''': Thank you, Yellow! Thank you, Blue!
:'''Blue Diamond''': If White is going to be there everything has to be perfect! Pink, can you manage this on your own? Our Pearls can help you get started.
:'''Blue Pearl''': At your service, Pink Diamond.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Make sure you go through all of our customs with Pink, since she has so much trouble recalling her past here on Homeworld.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Yes, My Diamond.
:'''Pearl''': Era 3! Steven, you're already changing the world!
:'''Steven''': Yeah! Come on, party Pearls!
:'''Yellow and Blue Pearl''': We are at your command, Pink Diamond.
:'''Steven''': Just call me Steven.
:'''Yellow and Blue Pearl''': Whatever you command, Pink Diamond.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': Balloons everywhere! Confetti cannons too!
:'''Amethyst''': Dibs on being the confetti cannon!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Cannons are ''forbidden'' inside palace walls. These &quot;balloons&quot; you're referring to, are unprecedented and therefore out of the question.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Diamond! Your subjects will do the dancing for you! Why would a Diamond want to dance?
:'''Steven''': Because dancing's fun!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': What is &quot;fun&quot;?
:'''Connie''': You know, it's when you do something you wanna do, just because it feels good.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': I don't think we do that here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': The Sapphire will need to enter with the other Sapphires of course, and the Ruby will need to enter with the guard.
:'''Steven''': Woah, woah, woah. Are you talking about Garnet?
:'''Blue Diamond''': Garnet? Does &quot;that&quot; call herself a Garnet? What would you have her do? Enter with the Demantoids, the Hessonites, the Pyropes? Pink, I'm being very generous, but you can't expect me to-
:'''Garnet''': I won't go.
:'''Steven''': Garnet?
:'''Blue Diamond''': At least the Sapphire in there has some sense.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Everyone, behold! The daunting, beauty and elegance that is, Yellow Diamond!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Not a bad turnout, Pink.
:'''Steven''': I appreciate your attendance, Yellow.
:'''Blue Pearl''': Ahem, everyone prepare yourselves emotionally for the overpowering elegance that is, Blue Diamond.
:'''Blue Diamond''': You're doing great.
:'''Steven''': Thank you, Blue.
:'''White Pearl''': To those in attendance of the Era 3 ball, White Diamond... has more important things to attend to.
:'''Steven''': WHAT?!
:'''White Pearl''': Therefore, I will be here to observe in her place. Welcome to Era 3.
:'''Steven''': Gra!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': (''through gritted teeth'') Pink, what are you doing?!
:'''Stevonnie''': I was just dancing! (''sees they have fused and everybody else looks in shock'')
:'''Blue Diamond''': Pink, this is completely unacceptable! Unfuse or I'll make you!
:''[Ruby and Sapphire fuse and become Garnet]''
:'''Garnet''': You'll have to go through me!
:'''Pearl''': (''gasp'') And me! (''Runs over to Amethyst and fuses into Opal'')
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah!
:''[two jades quickly fuse as well]''
:'''Lemon Jade''': And me! ''[Opal and Stevonnie look at Garnet, and she shrugs]'' I knew it! I knew I couldn't be the only one!
:''[Yellow Diamond strikes the Jade Fusion, Opal, and Garnet with her lightning powers, causing them all to poof]''
:'''Stevonnie''': Opal! Garnet!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Pink, you've gone too far even for you. ''[picks up Stevonnie and throws them into a dark room]'' Stay in here and think about what you've done!
:'''Stevonnie''': No, wait!
:''[Yellow Diamond closes the door, ends the episode]''

===''Escapism''===
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[singing]'' ♫ I guess I have to face, that in this awful place, I shouldn't show a trace... of doubt. / But pulled against the grain, I feel a little pain, that I would rather do... without. / I'd rather be free-ee-ee, free-ee-ee, free... / I'd rather be free-ee-ee, free-ee-ee, free... / Free-ee-ee, free-ee-ee, free... / from here. ♫

===''Change Your Mind''===
:'''Steven''': ''[wakes up and looks up at the prison tower window]'' Oh, right -- prison.
:''[Blue Diamond enters]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': I cannot believe you! Making a scene like that.
:''' Steven''': We weren't trying to make a scene! We were just... ''[turns to see that Connie is not present]'' dancing?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': I cannot believe you -- making a scene like that!
:'''Steven''': Whoa -- dejá blue.
:'''Connie''': We didn't mean any harm! I asked Steven to dance; he wasn't trying to cause trouble!
:'''Blue Diamond''': What do you know about this, human?
:'''Connie''': ''[chuckles]'' You think I've never been grounded before?
:'''Blue Diamond''': &quot;Grounded?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': This isn't normal. How many times did you lock her in here? How many times did you make her cry?!
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[defensive]'' I didn't, I... and I'm doing it again... aren't I?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What... are you doing?
:'''Steven''': I'm taking back my friends!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[closes her eyes as she looks up from Steven to readdress Blue; annoyed]'' What are you doing, Blue? Take Pink back to the tower.
:'''Blue Diamond''': She prefers to be called &quot;Steven.&quot;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[slams her hand so forcefully against her throne that it cracks, stands up and assumes an angered stance]'' What are you talking about?! You can't keep bending the rules for her, Blue! She has to set an example, and ''we'' have to set an example! If we bend the rules for her, we have to bend them for everyone!
:'''Connie''': Well, maybe you should!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Take them back to the tower, now!
:'''Blue Diamond''': I won't.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Then I'll do it myself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': When we thought Pink was shattered, when she abandoned us, I alone was there for you, and you would use your power against &lt;big&gt;'''ME?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You'd hurt a fellow Diamond?!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Didn't we hurt Pink?! She was suffering in silence for ages -- just like our Gems -- just like me! And I know ''you're'' suffering in silence, too!
:''[Yellow Diamond claps her fist and uses her lightning power on Blue, causing her to begin to destabilize and scream]''
:'''Steven''': Stop! ''[pulls out his shield and chucks it towards Yellow Diamond's hand, disrupting her concentration]'' You don't have to do this!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Yes, I do! This is what White Diamond expects of all of us. From a thin flake of mica to the deepest, hardest stone, we all must make sacrifices for the sake of our perfect empire.
:'''Steven''': Does ''this'' look perfect to you?! My dad says if every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn't have hot dogs.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': And that means... what?
:'''Steven''': It means if you try and make this empire perfect -- if you just wipe away everything you see as flawed -- you lose all the things that make you happy -- like hot dogs.
:'''Blue Diamond''': Or our Pink.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Uhh... ''[falls to the ground on her knees in an uncharacteristic emotional breakdown]'' Stop. Stop it, Blue. Stop using your power on me...!
:'''Blue Diamond''': I'm not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': Hey, White, I know I was in there with you for a second, but I barely got to talk to you at all. There are so many Gems that are hurting right now. Even Blue and Yellow are hurting. You should hear what they have to say. ''[to Blue and Yellow; whispers]'' This is it.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[struggling]'' We... W-we... We need to talk! About us. I've conquered so many worlds for the sake of the empire. I do everything you ask, and I do it all perfectly. But your very high standards put us all under a ''lot'' of pressure. A Gem could crack under so much pressure. We Diamonds may be hard, but we're also brittle.
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[steps forward]'' White, we used to be close. Don't you remember? When Pink would make us laugh -- all those silly things she did for no reason. There was a reason. She wanted us to be happy together. But we weren't, and we're still not. I know my purpose isn't to be happy, but I find it harder and harder to enforce your rules when they make me miserable. When they make us all miserable.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rainbow Quartz 2.0''': Well, what do you know? It's Rainbow 2.0! Now, this is a fine mess we're in. (''gasps'') That won't do. (''blows raspberry'') Rainbow Quartz powers, activate! Ah, yes. Now that's two stones, with one bird.
:''[Steven and new reformed Pearl unfuse]''
:'''Amethyst''': Wow! Nice form, Pearl.
:'''Pearl''': Oh, ''[chuckles]'' thank you. I'm particularly excited about the jacket. Aah! Steven! We fused!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sunstone''': Awwwwwwwwwww yeah! You better step off! Chillax, my dudes. Your rockin' pal Sunstone is holdin' it down.
:'''Pearl''': Wow!
:'''Amethyst''': Holy...
:'''Connie''': All right!
:'''Peridot''': Unbelievable!
:'''Sunstone''': Oh, you better believe it.
:'''Peridot''': Okay!
:'''Connie''': Sunstone, what are we gonna do? White Diamond's never going to listen, and she's never going to let us leave.
:'''Sunstone''': If she won't listen, we'll ''make'' her listen.
:'''Amethyst''': And ''how'' are we gonna do that?
:'''Sunstone''': I know she's in there. We'll bust into her head and change her mind.
:'''Everyone''': Right!
:'''Sunstone''': Let's take that bully down! ''[to the viewers]'' But remember kids: if you ever have to deal with a bully, be sure to tell an adult. ''[yanks Pearl and Amethyst onto their shoulders and sprints towards the giant pink foot of the ship]'' Ally-oop! ''[summons her suction cups]'' Kids, don't try this at home. Ha! Bungacowa!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': We need to be bigger.
:'''Steven''': Then let's fuse. All four of us. It's the only way we're gonna get up to her head.
:'''Amethyst''': I'm in!
:'''Pearl''': I'm in, too.
:'''Garnet''': Then it's decided. It's time to form Obsidian.
:''[Connie, Bismuth, Peridot, and Lapis back away to give some space for Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, and Steven to perform their fusion dance; Obsidian is formed by letting out a big loud cry for battle]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[amazed]'' They're HU-U-U-U-GE!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': You're wrong! I'm not my mom!
:'''White Diamond''': But don't you know things about her that you couldn't possibly know?
:'''Steven''': I-I've just been connecting with her. My powers, they-they help me to connect to others. I'm not her. I'm just feeling her feelings.
:'''White Diamond''': Isn't it obvious? Even though you've embedded yourself in that human child, your light can't help shining through!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connie''': Don't listen to her Steven! She's just trying to mess with you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''White Diamond''': What is this?! Where is Pink?
:'''Pink Steven''': She's gone.
:'''White Diamond''': What did you say? Answer me!
:'''Pink Steven''': ''[shouting]'' She's &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''GO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-NE!!!!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''White Diamond''': Agh! Don't you raise your shield at me! I only want you to be yourself! If you can't do that, I'll do it &lt;big&gt;FOR YOU!!!&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connie''': Steven! ''[rushes to Steven and hugs him]'' Are you back together? Are you you?
:'''Steven''': Yeah. Yeah! I’m me! I’ve always been me.
:'''White Diamond''': ''NO!'' You are Pink Diamond! That is Pink Diamond's gem! You do not look like this! You do not sound like this! You are not half-human! You're just... acting like a child!
:'''Steven''': I ''am'' a child. What's your excuse?
:'''White Diamond''': ''[starts blushing, and notices the Gems under her control doing the same]'' What's happening? What is this? What's wrong with them? They're turning... pink! I don't understand, I'm in control, I-- ''[gasps]'' Something's wrong! With ME! No!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''White Diamond''': What is this? I feel... ridiculous. Yellow, Blue...
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[gasps]'' She's off-color...
:'''White Diamond''': This can't be happening. I can't have a flaw, I'm supposed to be flawless! If I'm not perfect then... who am I? If you're not Pink, then... who are you? Who is ''anyone?''
:'''Steven''': You know, if you just let everyone be whoever they are, maybe you could let yourself be whoever you are too.
:'''White Diamond''': But I'm not supposed to be like this! I'm supposed to know better, I'm supposed to ''be'' better, I'm supposed to make ''everything'' better!
:'''Steven''': You can. But first, you're gonna have to leave your own head.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Padparadscha''': I predict our long journey through space will soon be over.
:'''Lars''': Welcome home, guys.
:'''Rhodonite''': We finally made it! Earth! No more running, no more hiding! No more Diamond Authority! ''[they notice the Diamonds, who have heard everything]'' Well, we're cracked.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sadie''': Lars... Look at you! You're... you're a space pirate!
:'''Lars''': Look at you! You're a rock star!
:'''Sadie''': ''[Laughs] Well... ''[Laughs]''
:''[They both laugh in unison]''
:'''Lars''': I think it suits us!
:'''Sadie''': Yeah. Me, too!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[singing]'' ♫ I don’t need you to respect me, I respect me. / I don’t need you to love me, I love me. / But I want you to know you could know me, / If you change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind, / If you change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind, / If you change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind, / Change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind. ♫

[[Category:Steven Universe seasons]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3147932</id>
      <parentid>3147931</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T00:24:44Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
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      <comment>/* Lars of the Stars */</comment>
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]]
----
{{italic title}}
The following is a list of quotes from the fifth season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''.

===''Stuck Together''===
:'''Aquamarine''': Say, Rose, how do I look?
:'''Steven''': Awful, small and mean!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Topaz''': What was I thinking?
:'''Aquamarine''': That's the problem with you fusions. Sooner or later, you will become ''sentimental.'' ''[the ship rumbles, coming to a stop and a notification pops up]'' We're here. Look, just… unfuse, and we'll never speak of this again.

===''The Trial''===
:'''Steven''': ''[speaking to himself]'' I know my mom did something really bad. Whatever Homeworld has in store for me… I'M READY!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prosecuting Zircon''': Defending a rebel? Isn't that… ''treason?'' ''[chuckles]''
:'''Defense Zircon''': I was ''assigned'' to this!
:''[Blue and Yellow Pearl warp in]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': All rise for the luminous Yellow Diamond! ''[poses]''
:'''Blue Pearl''': And the lustrous Blue Diamond. ''[bows]''
:''[Blue and Yellow Diamond warp in behind them, staring down at Steven]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[looking around]'' Where is the accused?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[looks down at Steven]'' Is that Rose Quartz? Look at this ''hideous'' she's taken. Forget the trial, we should shatter just for looking like that.
:'''Blue Diamond''': No. I want to hear her make her case. I want to know what she thinks we're going to do with her. Because  I want to do something ''worse''.
:''[Steven gulps nervously]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[warps in their throne chairs]'' Fine. Let's just get on with it, shall we?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I did it!
:'''Defense Zircon''': Wha… What, what?! Stop!
:'''Blue Diamond''': No! I want to hear what she has to say.
:''[Steven is elevated up to the Diamonds' height]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': State your name for the record, please.
:'''Steven''': I, um… I am Rose Quartz… and I'm guilty.
:'''Defense Zircon''': Wait! No, don't say that!
:'''Steven''': Everything you guys I did, I did. And I did it by myself. I'm sorry. I'll accept any punishment you want to give me. ''[points down to Lars]'' Just let him go! And leave the Earth alone.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Ha! Sounds like a solid confession to me.
:'''Blue Diamond''': How? How did you do it? How did you shatter Pink Diamond?
:'''Steven''': ''[nervously]'' Um, well…I did it on Earth in front of Pink Diamond's palanquin. I was probably like &quot;Stop!&quot; And she was all like, &quot;No!&quot; So we fought -- I think. And she probably did some cool moves. I probably did some cool stuff, too, some jump-kicks and stuff. But I was most likely deeply conflicted about deciding to shatter her. Definitely crying. I probably had to use the Breaking Point to do it.
:'''Blue Diamond''': It was a ''sword!'' ''[covers her eyes, crying and a blue light fills the room, making everyone except Lars tear up]'' You… shattered her… with a sword! ''[starts sobbing]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[walks up and comforts Blue]'' That's quite enough testimony from you! We shall take a short recess.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Defense Zircon''': What are you saying in there?! &quot;Maybe&quot; this, &quot;probably&quot; that! Oh, what do you mean, ''probably''?!
:'''Steven''': Look I just... I don't actually know how it happened, okay?
:'''Defense Zircon''': You don't ''know''?!
:'''Steven''': I...
:'''Defense Zircon''': ''[grabs Steven by the shirt collar and picks him up]'' Don't tumble my rocks! Both our gems are on the line! Did you do this or not?!
:'''Steven''': It was me, alright! ''[Defense Zircon let's go of his shirt and drops him]'' Rose Quartz did it, and I've got her gem, so I'm the one who's got to pay for this.
:'''Defense Zircon''': You don't know how it happened. ''[Steven shakes his head]'' I get it. There's a reason they want you to explain how you did it.
:'''Steven''': Huh?
:'''Defense Zircon''': It's because it doesn't make sense!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You think you can get away, Rose? You stood your ground on that little speck called Earth. But you're on ''our'' world now.

===''Off Colors''===
:'''Padparadscha''': Oh my gosh, something incredible is going to happen to Lars!

===''Lars' Head''===
:'''Steven''': But it doesn't feel right to just leave you here.
:'''Lars''': You said yourself that everyone on this planet is out to get you. You won't be safe until you're back on Earth.
:'''Steven''': But, Lars--
:'''Lars''': Don't argue with me! You're always trying to help me. You brought me back to life. Just let me be somebody who deserved it.

===''Dewey Wins''===

===''Gemcation''===

===''Raising the Barn''===

===''Back to the Kindergarten''===
:'''Peridot''': This used to make sense to me. I thought life was generated in a kindergarten. Formless, aimless energy channeled into new, useful gems. But life doesn't start in a kindergarten. It ends here. I've gotten used to plants everywhere. Bugs and breeze and sunshine...all of that has been sucked out of this place. 

===''Sadie Killer''===

===''Kevin Party''===

===''Lars of the Stars''===
:'''Emerald''': ''[on screen]'' It's over! I've got you now you miserable off-colors!
:'''Lars''': You'll ''never'' take us alive, Emerald!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lars''': You don't get it, do you, Steven? ''[starts tearing up and sniffles]'' It should be me. ''[starts crying]'' ''I'm'' I'm the one that should be hanging out with the Cool Kids! She's getting back at me for everything I've done!
:'''Connie''': Do you really think Sadie is living her life ''just'' to get back at you?
:'''Lars''': Why else would she be having so much fun without me?!
:'''Steven''': Because life goes on, no matter what happens. She was so upset when she found out you'd be stuck in space, Lars. She really misses you, but, she can't stay sad forever. She started hanging out with the Cool Kids. She quit the Big Donut, all because she needed to do ''something'' to feel better.
:'''Connie''': And look at you! Steven said you'd be hiding in some cave on Homeworld, but you're not! You're out here fighting for freedom with all your new friends in tow! Are ''you'' doing any of this to hurt Sadie?
:'''Lars''': No! I'm doing this because I have to. ''[tears up]'' I'd never do this to hurt Sadie because-
:'''Steven''': Because!
:'''Connie''': Because!
:'''Both''': Because you're best friends!
:''[Lars watches them fuse into Stevonnie]''
:'''Stevonnie''': And best friends wouldn't do anything to hurt each other!

===''Jungle Moon''===
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[squealing in excitement]'' Whoa, cool! Yellow! ''[jumps up to her chair]'' Hey, Yellow.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Oh, you're still here.
:'''Stevonnie''': What are you doing?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm commanding the dropships to colonize this planet.
:'''Stevonnie''': I wanna command a dropship!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Well, when you have your ''own'' colony, you can command whatever you want.
:'''Stevonnie''': I want a colony! ''[Yellow Diamond presses buttons on the panel with four diamonds]'' I want one now! ''[screen unlocks revealing a dropship on the panel]'' What's this?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm contacting the leader of the fleet.
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[amazed]'' Let me do it! ''[starts pressing buttons on the screen but Yellow Diamond grabs her arm]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[angrily]'' DON'T TOUCH THAT!
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[irritated]'' Why ''not''? You have so many worlds and I don't even have ''one''! It's not fair! I want ONE! I want my own ''army''! I want my own ''planet''! I deserve it! I'm just as important as ''YOU''!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[angrily]'' Then why don't you act like it, Pink?!
:''[Stevonnie walks away, holding their arm, angry; approach a window and their fist clenches; Pink Diamond is seen through their reflection and the hand punches the glass smashing it; She suddenly wakes up from the dream, falling out of the hammock on the ground]''
:'''Stevonnie''': (''talking through Connie'') Whoa! ''[breathing hard]'' Steven, what was that? (''talking through Steven'') Diamonds. I'm having Diamond dreams again. But, why now? Why ''here''? ''[looks up and see a mural of Yellow Diamond]'' No way.

===''Your Mother and Mine''===
:'''Garnet''': Come on, everyone. Let me tell you the story of the ''real'' Rose Quartz. ''[Flashback story begins; narrating]'' It was Era 1. The Diamonds, unique in their flawlessness, sought to expand their perfection across the galaxy. And it was for this purpose that Pink Diamond chose her first colony-- the planet Earth. On Earth, every Gem was made to serve Pink Diamond, each with a role to play in her world's perfect empire. In comparison to their creator, their existence was ordinary. They were life-forms only meant to fit their mold, and no one had ever dared to think otherwise. Until, there was Rose Quartz. In stature, she was no different than any other Quartz, and for a time, she did her best to carry out her Diamond's bidding. However, she began to take notice of her strange colony and the life that existed there. Curiosity turned to appreciation. Appreciation turned to fondness. And fondness… turned to love. Soon she was unable to keep her findings secret, and she began asking her fellow Gems if they knew of the life on Earth and what they made of it. She continued to pry her fellow Kindergartners with questions so odd, that word of her eventually made its way to Pink Diamond. Rose Quartz was summoned at once.
:'''Pink Diamond''': Quartz, what have you been saying down there?
:'''Rose''': My Diamond, it has come to my attention that your colony, Earth, bears life. While I know these organic life-forms serve no purpose, I ask that we leave this planet and spare their lives.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Pink Diamond thought for a moment, and then laughed, a wicked, empty sound.
:'''Pink Diamond''': ''[laughing]'' You wish to save these life-forms at the expense of our own? Ha! Don't be absurd. Return to your post, and I will forget your insolence.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' And with that, Rose Quartz was dragged back to her kindergarten for duty. ''[A gem drags Rose away and she continues working]'' Only Rose could no longer stand to continue aiding in the destruction of Earth. She had no choice. She had to fight.
:'''Rose''': ''[stops working and jumps into the air, changing her uniform into a dress before destroying an injector, stands on the broken injector and speaks to the other Quartzes]'' Is this what you want -- to inject, to build?! I've seen the life that exists for itself, and it lives here! Will you destroy it, or will you join it?
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Rose's message began to resonate to Pink Diamond's dismay. Her colony was falling apart. So, like a coward, she called for her Diamond allies, Yellow and Blue, to help. But Rose also found herself with allies, other Gems that were cast out for being wrong -- a Pearl who belonged to no one… a Bismuth who built weapons for rebels instead of towers for tyrants… An entirely new fusion, for not power, but for love… And countless others, all inspired by Rose to live for ourselves on Earth. She was our leader. And Earth was our precious home. And those who fought to save it became known as…the Crystal Gems!
:'''Rhodonite''': Unbelievable!
:'''Rutile Twins''': There were Gems like us?
:'''Padparadscha''': Fighting.
:'''Fluorite''': For… their… freedom?
:'''Garnet''': Yes, and we were fearless! ''[Flashback resumes; narrating]'' It was an impossible fight, but we fought anyway. And the more Gems who saw us, the more who joined. But Pink Diamond's forces proved too strong. Rose feared that soon she would have nothing left to protect. Rose Quartz drew her rebel blade… and shattered Pink Diamond, saving the Earth for all time from her reign of terror.
:'''Rutile Twins''': Wow! That's incredible! I don't believe it!
:'''Lars''': ''[to Steven]'' Your mom did all that? That's awesome!
:'''Rhodonite''': Wait. What about the rest? What happened after that?
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The other Diamonds were furious. In a last-ditch attempt to wipe out the Rebellion, the Diamonds launched a direct attack against Earth. And in their fury, they used their powers to end the fighting once and for all.
:'''Padparadscha''': I predict this story won't have a happy ending.
:'''Rutile Twins''': We were all told different stories. But they all ended the same way.
:'''Fluorite''': With Rose Quartz… being… defeated.
:'''Rhodonite''': This new version of the story is even worse! So, she was great, and they beat her? What are we supposed to get out of this -- that we can never win?!
:'''Garnet''': We haven't yet, but we can, and we will. They said they annihilated Rose's rebellion, but here ''we'' are. They said they annihilated all of you on Homeworld, but here ''you'' are! They think they have us on the run, but they're the ones that are running from the truth. And the truth is we... are... everywhere!
:'''Rhodonite''': But how many more of us can there be?
:'''Steven''': Way more than you think! I was only on Homeworld for, like, an hour before I ran in to you guys. There must be Off Colors all over the place.
:'''Garnet''': Rose used to say there was something about Earth -- something that set Gems free. But it's not just Earth. Look at you. Love, freedom -- it's universal. You all prove it every moment you live as yourselves. You can show everyone.
:'''Fluorite''': We… can do that?
:'''Lars''': Not while we're floating out here like sitting ducks.

===''The Big Show''===

===''Pool Hopping''===
:'''Garnet''': I think I get it.
:'''Steven''': Hm?
:'''Garnet''': Why my future vision has been so off. I have to change the way I think about you. 
:'''Steven''': What?
:'''Garnet''': I've been looking into probable futures where you act like a child. I keep expecting you to run from responsibility and to turn to me for help, but you don't do that anymore. Those futures aren't probable at all. There's nothing wrong with this timeline or my future vision. I just need to factor in that you've grown up.

===''Letters to Lars''===

===''Can't Go Back''===
:'''Blue Diamond''': But this is what you wanted.
:'''Steven''': ''[wakes up and gasps; turns to see Lapis is nowhere to be seen]'' Lapis? ''[turns forward to the silhouettes of Blue, Yellow, and Pink Diamond]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': You begged us for a colony of your own, and now all you want to do is be rid of it. First there were too many organics. Then their cities were too difficult to dismantle, and -- and now these Crystal Gems. We're tired of your excuses, Pink. We're tired of your excuses, Pink.
:'''Steven''': The Diamonds.
:'''Blue Diamonds''': This Rose Quartz can't hurt you. You can't be swayed by a few unruly Gems. ''[Holds her hand up as Pink Diamond is about to say something]'' Enough! You must understand, you are a Diamond. Everyone on this planet is looking to you. You don't even have to do anything. Just smile and wave. Show everyone you're unfazed by this little uprising. Your Gems will fall into line, and these Crystal Gems will be no more. As long as you are there to rule, this colony will be completed.

===''A Single Pale Rose''===
:'''Steven''': It better not turn out that her phone was in her pocket...or she left it on the dresser or dropped it in the toilet. Seems about as likely as putting it away in your repressed war memories.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Steven returns from Pearl's gem after learning the truth about how Rose Quartz &quot;shattered&quot; Pink Diamond]''
:'''Steven''': I know.  
:'''Pearl''': ''[tearing up]'' I wanted to tell you for ''so'' long.
:'''Steven''': Mom was Pink Diamond.
:''[Garnet and Amethyst stand in shock behind Steven]''
:'''Amethyst''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAAAAAAAAAT?!?'''&lt;/big&gt;

===''Now We're Only Falling Apart''===
:'''Amethyst''': Let me get this straight. Rose Quartz, leader of the Crystal Gems, Steven's mom, was actually Pink Diamond?!
:'''Steven''': She faked her own shattering, and reformed to be Rose all the time.
:'''Pearl''': Pink Diamond's final command to me was that no one could know, but now that Steven does, I can finally tell you all everything!
:'''Amethyst''': Phew! I mean, a pink lion, a pink sword, and now Pink Diamond?! Huh, if you told me Rose invented cotton candy, I'd believe it. Right, Garnet? Uh, Garnet?
:'''Garnet''': ''[shaking and gets up]'' Rose. She... she... ''[struggles to stay stable and defuses into Ruby and Sapphire]''
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire...
:'''Sapphire''': ''[betrayed and heartbroken with fury]'' '''SHE LIED TO US!''' She lied about EVERYTHING! She held our hands, looked us right in the eyes, and told us to never question who we are as Garnet. We never questioned ourselves, or her!
:'''Ruby''': We couldn't have known!
:'''Sapphire''': No, you couldn't have known. You never know what's going on. That's what I'm for!
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire...
:'''Sapphire''': But I never looked into her, I trusted her... I let her make fools of us all!
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire, wait!
:'''Steven''': Guys! ''[slips on the ice Sapphire had caused due to her stress]''
:'''Ruby''': Please...We can just stay calm and talk about this, right? Let's just, talk.
:'''Sapphire''': Talk about what? How our relationship is based on a lie? What else is there to say? ''[warps to Rose's Fountain]''
:'''Pearl''': Ruby, I am so sorry...
:'''Steven''': Come on, Pearl. Help me explain everything to Sapphire.
:'''Pearl''': Right.
:'''Steven''': Sit tight, Ruby. We'll go and get Sapphire.
:'''Ruby''': Okay. ''[starts crying]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sapphire''': ''[grieving]'' Everything we were running from, she was right there all along…using us for her little war…smiling at us with those knowing eyes… Making me believe in a better future that I couldn't see, because it wasn't real. And now here we are, our friends, shattered, and corrupted…of course she was a Diamond. What a long road she took to torture us all like this.
:'''Steven''': It wasn't like that. You know she didn't want anyone to get hurt.
:'''Sapphire''': I don't know that! I clearly don't know anything.
:'''Pearl''': You deserve to know everything. I was given to Pink Diamond a few thousand years before she was given the Earth. I was supposed to make her happy, I just never could.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': Is everything alright, my Diamond? You seem troubled.
:'''Rose''': All this life that's been growing wild here on Earth…none of it will survive my invasion. We're not creating life from nothing. We're ''taking'' life, and leaving nothing behind.
:'''Pearl''': Forgive me, my Diamond. I shouldn't have brought you to such a place.
:'''Rose''': No. I needed to see this.
:''[scene shifts back to the fountain]''
:'''Steven''': So she ''did'' want to protect Earth. She didn't realize what the colony was doing to the planet.
:'''Sapphire''': So what?! She suddenly started to care about Earth? Why did she have to rope us into all this? Why couldn't she just stop the colonization herself?
:'''Pearl''': She ''tried''. When she told the other Diamonds she didn't want to go through with the colony, they told her to finish what she started. When she told the other Diamonds she wanted to preserve life on Earth, they created the zoo and threw a handful of humans in. She did everything she could as Pink Diamond. But her status meant nothing to Blue and Yellow. So she decided to make a stand, as someone they couldn't ignore. She was going to scare every Gem off the planet. But everything changed when she saw…your fusion.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': Before Garnet, Rose was only fighting for Earth. But Garnet changed everything. Rose wanted to fight for her, she wanted to fight for Gems! And maybe she was foolish, and maybe even...selfish, but she was-
:'''Sapphire''': Following us.
:'''Pearl''': What?
:'''Sapphire''': This whole time, we thought we were following her, but she was following ''us''. How could she not after you swept her off her feet?

===''What's your Problem''===

===''The Question''===

===''Made of Honor''===
:'''Steven''': So, my Dad will finish playing the music, and then next you'll do the &quot;I do&quot;s. And then I'll say… &quot;I now pronounce you Garnet.&quot; And then you fuse! Everyone will cheer!
:'''Sapphire''': Everyone… who survived.
:'''Ruby''': Huh?
:'''Sapphire''': Oh, it's just… There's so many old friends who won't be able to come. All the Crystal Gems who were corrupted and bubbled in the basement.
:'''Ruby''': Maybe we could bring the bubbles up here?
:'''Sapphire''': No, no. It's not safe. We can't risk them getting out.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bismuth''': Hey everyone. Did you guys &quot;Bismi-th&quot; me?
:''[Pearl, Sapphire, Ruby and Amethyst drop their sodas simultaneously]''
:'''Peridot''': Ha! I win! Also, less importantly, who are you?
:'''Steven''': I… invited Bismuth! I hope that's cool.
:'''Sapphire''': ''[slowly walks up to her]'' Bismuth. ''[hugs her]''
:'''Bismuth''': Whoa, Sapphire!
:'''Pearl and Ruby''': Bismuth! ''[tackle her to the floor, and begin nuzzling her]''
:'''Sapphire''': You wouldn't believe what we've all been through. I'm so sorry! We should've-
:'''Bismuth''': Look, I'm right there with you, Steven filled me in.
:'''Peridot''': So, is anyone going to introduce me?
:'''Amethyst''': Let's give 'em some space.

===''Reunited''===
:'''Steven''': Dearly beloved Gems, humans, lions big and small, living gourds, Onion, we are gathered here today to celebrate Ruby and Sapphire, two of my favorite people, who combine into one of my ''other'' favorite people! You all probably know her as Garnet. She's their love, given form. Now it's your turn to talk about that.
:'''Ruby''': I know this is all kind of silly, I mean, we've been together for 5,750 years.
:'''Sapphire''': And 8 months.
:'''Ruby''': I used to feel like I wasn't much good, just one of me on my own. But when we're together, it feels like it's okay to just be me. So I wanna be me, with you, an-and, not even the Diamonds will come between us. And if they try, we'll beat em up!
:'''Sapphire''': Ruby, my future used to look like one single, obvious stream, unbending 'til the end of time. In an instant, you pulled me from that destiny and opened my eye to an explosion of infinite possible futures, streaking across space and time, altered and obliterated by the smallest force of will. ''[beat]'' What I mean is, you changed my life. And then, I changed your life. And now, we changed our lives.
:'''Steven''': Bismuth, the rings.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[gently bumps Bismuth]'' Hey Bismuth, that's your cue.
:''[Bismuth, touched and crying by the vows, approaches them with the rings]''
:'''Steven''': Ruby, do you take this Gem to have and to hold, on this and every other planet in the universe!?
:'''Ruby''': I DO!
:'''Steven''': And Sapphire, do you-
:'''Sapphire''': Yes.
:'''Steven''': ''[whispering]'' You didn't let me finish.
:'''Sapphire''': I'm just very excited.
:'''Steven''': Then by the power vested in me by the state of Delmarva, I now pronounce you… Garnet!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': What a wonderful idea. Humans found a way to make a moment's decision last forever. I won't need future vision to know I'll always remember this.
:'''Steven''': I'm so glad. ''[starts tearing up]''
:'''Garnet''': Oh no. I'm sorry. Don't cry.
:'''Steven''': ''[wipes off the tears]'' I guess seeing everyone together got me really choked up. ''[bigger tears begin flowing out of his eyes]'' Wait a second. You don't think…?
:'''Garnet''': ''[takes off her visor, opening her third eye]'' Blue Diamond!
:'''Steven''': She's here?!
:'''Garnet''': And she's not alone.
:''[The sky darkens quickly and everyone looks up to the sky, seeing Blue and Yellow Diamond's ships approaching]''
:'''Steven''': Oh, no. It's the Diamonds! ''[runs up to Nanefua]'' Nanefua, get on your Nane-phone! We've got a code blue ''and'' a code yellow!
:'''Garnet''':
:''[As the Diamond ships approach the beach, they fly overhead them]''
:'''Peridot''': WE'RE OVER HERE, YOU CLODS!
:'''Pearl''': Wha- where are they going?!
:'''Steven''': If they're not here for us, they must be here for the Cluster!
:'''Bismuth''': What's the Cluster?
:'''Steven''': It's a huge earth-destroying geo-weapon that the Diamonds made out of a bajillion gem shards!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': You cannot fathom how much I've mourned, what thousands of years of grief has done to me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': I know this sword. This is the sword that '''SHATTERED HER!''' ''[shatters the sword as Steven gasps, which made Connie fall down only to be caught by Lion]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Blue Diamond!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Who are you supposed to be?
:'''Garnet''': I am the will of two Gems to care for each other, to protect each other from any threat, no matter how vast or how cruel. You couldn't stop me 5,750 years ago, and you can't stop me now!
:'''Blue Diamond''': It's you, that Ruby and Sapphire that disrupted my court.
:'''Garnet''': This is supposed to be MY day!
:'''Blue Diamond''': You hope to defeat me by clinging to my feet?
:'''Garnet''': I just needed to keep you from taking three steps to the right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': Lapis Lazuli? Does every Gem that comes in contact with this planet turn traitor?!
:'''Lapis''': I've felt ''worse.''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': With all our strength together, we can take her down!
:'''Steven''': That's right! This is our home, our planet, our friends and family! We are the Crystal Gems!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Pathetic! You are &lt;big&gt;'''NOTHING!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Ha! I told her off, once. I can do it again. ''[jumps off Bismuth's hands and runs up to Yellow Diamond]'' Hey! Yellow Clod! '''''REMEMBER ME?!'''''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': No. ''[zaps and poofs Peridot to her gemstone]''
:'''Steven''': Stop! ''[jumps off Garnet's hands and runs up to the Diamonds]'' Don't do this! Listen to me, ''I'm'' the one you're missing! I'm Pink Diamond!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[shocked and angry]'' You! ''[charges towards Steven as he summons his shield]''
:'''Garnet''': Steven!
:''[Yellow Diamond stomps her foot on Steven in fury, knocking him out unconsciously]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lapis Lazuli''': What else have you got?! I've only just begun to fight! ''[gets zapped and poofed to her gemstone by Yellow Diamond]''
:'''Steven''': ''[shocked gasp]'' Lapis!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''How miserable. I knew Pink couldn't handle her own colony. But, I gave in. And now, I'm to blame for her fate.''
:'''Steven''': Ah, her thoughts are too strong!
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''What good will any of this do? The more I make these Gems suffer, the more I long to see you again, Pink.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': This feeling, I know it!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': It must be a trick! Show yourself, foe!
:'''Steven''': I'm not your foe. Please, just listen to me!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': There!
:'''Steven''': ''Please, the fighting has to stop. We aren't enemies. We're family. Please listen to me. I need you to know who I am!!!''
:'''Blue Diamond''': Impossible.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': This aura...
:'''Blue Diamond''': It's you! Pink!

===''Legs From Here to Homeworld''===
:'''Garnet''': We can't just hand Steven over to Blue Diamond, she's a shatterer!
:'''Bismuth''': She's not gonna hurt him, look at her. She really thinks he's one of them.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[sobbing loudly]'' Somebody make Blue Diamond stop!
:'''Connie''': Are you guys okay?
:'''Pearl''': It's just… ''[sniffles]'' Blue Diamond's power. She's obviously relieved that Pink Diamond wasn't shattered after all.
:''[Yellow Diamond tries to reactive her ship and Blue Diamond's, but are too damaged]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmm. How could you do this to us, Pink? Why did you let us think you were shattered? Why the strange disguise? Why are you doing a voice? Why didn't you say something at the trial?! And Blue, could you please stop crying? I can't see. ''[wipes her tears, splashing the Gems]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': Sorry. ''[sets Steven down]''
:'''Steven''': My mom kept it secret from everyone.
:'''Pearl''': Ahem.
:'''Steven''': Almost everyone.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What are you talking about?
:'''Steven''': Well, apparently, Mom… Oh, geez. You don't know what a mom is. Okay, Pink Diamond took the form of Rose Quartz permanently after faking her shattering. Then, Rose Quartz gave up ''that'' form to create a new life with my dad-- me. Rose passed her gemstone and some of her powers onto me, but that's all. I-I don't have any of Pink ''or'' Rose's memories. I'm sorry.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmm. I'm sure your memories are in there somewhere, Pink.
:'''Steven''': Actually, I go by &quot;Steven.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': We can only do so much, if it was the ''four'' of us.
:'''Blue Diamond''': Oh, no. We can't let ''her'' see this!
:'''Steven''': Who? Who do we need?!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What do you mean, &quot;who?&quot; White.
:'''Pearl''': ''[shocked]'' White Diamond?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While traveling to Homeworld]''
:'''Steven''': Should I have brought a gift for White Diamond? We ''are'' dropping in unexpectedly, and… I want to make a good first impression. Her help will mean everything for the Corrupted Gems.
:'''Pearl''': Steven...
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmph. &quot;Good impression&quot;? We'll be lucky if she ever ''speaks'' to us again after this.
:'''Steven''': But...
:'''Blue Diamond''': The thing is, White... can be... ''difficult''.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': When we show up in this ship, it will be irrefutable that the last 6,000 years are now the biggest galactic embarrassment that's ever happened. And ''we're'' the ones to blame. (''to Steven'') If you don't want to be in a bubble for the next few millennia, I suggest you let ''me'' do the talking.

===''Familiar''===
:'''Steven''': Pearl!
:'''Pearl''': Steven! ''[runs over to Steven and hugs him]'' Oh, thank the stars! You're okay! What did White Diamond do? Did she hurt you?
:'''Steven''': No, she was like, &quot;Welcome home.&quot; I don't think she understands that I'm not Pink Diamond. Where's Connie? And Garnet and Amethyst?
:'''Pearl''': They're still on the ship. ''[summons a hot dog bag]'' I'm only here because I'm bringing your things. And they consider me one of your things.
:'''Steven''': Yeesh.
:''[Diamond chime plays]''
:'''Pearl''': The Diamond chime -- it's Yellow.
:''[The door opens, revealing Yellow Pearl standing right there]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Diamond, my Diamond has requested your presence in the extraction chamber.
:'''Pearl''': Let's get you into a suit. ''[opens the bag]''
:''[Steven, wearing his yellow swimsuit, Pearl, and Yellow Pearl walk through a yellow hallway]''
:'''Steven''': Swim trunks don't seem very formal.
:'''Pearl''': Trust me, this will be more comfortable than jeans.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Diamond.
:'''Steven''': Please, call me Steven.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Steven.
:'''Steven''': No, just Steven.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Just Steven.
:'''Steven''': Call me... Lasagna.
:'''Pearl''': Steven, stop. You're going to break her. ''[opens the extraction chamber door]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Have a nice extraction, Pink Lasagna.
:''[Steven walks into the extraction chamber sauna]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Pink.
:'''Steven''': Hi, Yellow. Cool sauna.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': It's new. Have a seat. ''[Steven uses his floating powers to jump up and takes a seat]'' So, you met with White. How was it?
:'''Steven''': All I got to say was, &quot;Hi,&quot; and, &quot;um,&quot; and, &quot;I.&quot;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Two and a half words -- that's a record.
:'''Steven''': Two and a half words isn't enough. I still need to talk to White about healing all the corrupted Gems!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmm. Good luck. White never leaves her own head these days, and she never lets anyone in -- except you, I guess. It's so unfair. I have hundreds of successful crystal system colonies, but you get to see her because your one colony is a failure!
:'''Steven''': Maybe you should just… ''fail?''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[looks momentarily shocked, then starts laughing]'' Oh, Pink, you always did have quite a knack for making me laugh. You're almost worth the trouble.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Pearl''': ''[showing up]'' Pink Diamond, my Diamond was requested your presence.
:''[Steven, Pearl, and Blue Pearl walk down a blue hallway]''
:'''Steven''': We barely talked about White at all. She had to rush to do a report, and I couldn't go with her. I get they're, like, busy, 'cause they're dictators and everything, but I need more time! ''[gasps and face-palms]'' I should have asked her what she was doing after the Citron thing!
:'''Pearl''': She'll be at that for a while. Yellow Diamond oversees all aspects of Gem production on every single one of her colonies. And when she's not doing that, she's off with her army, conquering the next one.
:'''Steven''': What about their days off, weekends?
:'''Blue Pearl''': My Diamond is awaiting our arrival.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Pearl''': ''[turns to Pearl]'' Welcome back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': You're here! Come in.
:'''Steven''': Okay! ''[runs and jumps into the pool, laughing]'' Whoo-hoo! (''laughing'') It's funny! I -- I live right next to the ocean, but I end up going to space to swim.
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[laughs, causing the pool to shake a bit]'' You haven't changed. So silly. So small.
:'''Steven''': I'm not done growing. I'm not sure I can catch up to you and Yellow, though.
:'''Blue Diamond''': I'm so glad you're back... Steven.
:'''Steven''': Y-You actually said my name!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Steven. Steee-von? (''chuckles'') It's such a funny sounding name. You're so creative, Pink.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': (''sighs'') This is so weird. Was this some sort of spa day or something? And what about Pink? Did she have a job here, or did she just sit in a room while they were off doing whatever?
:'''Pearl''': Before her colony, Pink used to throw massive balls.
:'''Steven''': ''[surprised]'' She was a juggler?!
:'''Pearl''': No -- Well, yes. But she would also throw parties for the other Diamonds to mark their many accomplishments. Every member of every court would show up to bask in the presence of all four Diamonds.
:'''Steven''': Even White would come?
:'''Pearl''': Oh, yes! Huh. I wonder what's even become of Pink's court.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ♫ Oh, I'll get them all together in one place / And once we're all together face-to-face / I'll show them all the error of their ways / And stop their spread of terror across space! ♫

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I figured it out! Remember back when I was little and maybe kind of annoying, and I couldn't come along on adventures? You guys would still drop everything to hang out with me! That's Pink Diamond! I know I can do this! Just watch -- I'm gonna throw a huge ball, and I'm gonna invite everyone!

===''Together Alone''===
:'''Pearl''': The Pebbles have been working all night. What do you think?
:'''Steven''': It almost feels like home.
:'''Garnet''': Almost.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': A ball? We haven't had a ball in 6,000 years.
:'''Blue Diamond''': We haven't had Pink in 6,000 years!
:'''Steven''': Yeah! When White Diamond shows up we can tell her why we need her help on Earth!
:'''Blue Diamond''': And, this can also mark the beginning of Era 3.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You're right, it's brilliant.
:'''Steven''': Thank you, Yellow! Thank you, Blue!
:'''Blue Diamond''': If White is going to be there everything has to be perfect! Pink, can you manage this on your own? Our Pearls can help you get started.
:'''Blue Pearl''': At your service, Pink Diamond.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Make sure you go through all of our customs with Pink, since she has so much trouble recalling her past here on Homeworld.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Yes, My Diamond.
:'''Pearl''': Era 3! Steven, you're already changing the world!
:'''Steven''': Yeah! Come on, party Pearls!
:'''Yellow and Blue Pearl''': We are at your command, Pink Diamond.
:'''Steven''': Just call me Steven.
:'''Yellow and Blue Pearl''': Whatever you command, Pink Diamond.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': Balloons everywhere! Confetti cannons too!
:'''Amethyst''': Dibs on being the confetti cannon!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Cannons are ''forbidden'' inside palace walls. These &quot;balloons&quot; you're referring to, are unprecedented and therefore out of the question.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Diamond! Your subjects will do the dancing for you! Why would a Diamond want to dance?
:'''Steven''': Because dancing's fun!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': What is &quot;fun&quot;?
:'''Connie''': You know, it's when you do something you wanna do, just because it feels good.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': I don't think we do that here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': The Sapphire will need to enter with the other Sapphires of course, and the Ruby will need to enter with the guard.
:'''Steven''': Woah, woah, woah. Are you talking about Garnet?
:'''Blue Diamond''': Garnet? Does &quot;that&quot; call herself a Garnet? What would you have her do? Enter with the Demantoids, the Hessonites, the Pyropes? Pink, I'm being very generous, but you can't expect me to-
:'''Garnet''': I won't go.
:'''Steven''': Garnet?
:'''Blue Diamond''': At least the Sapphire in there has some sense.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Everyone, behold! The daunting, beauty and elegance that is, Yellow Diamond!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Not a bad turnout, Pink.
:'''Steven''': I appreciate your attendance, Yellow.
:'''Blue Pearl''': Ahem, everyone prepare yourselves emotionally for the overpowering elegance that is, Blue Diamond.
:'''Blue Diamond''': You're doing great.
:'''Steven''': Thank you, Blue.
:'''White Pearl''': To those in attendance of the Era 3 ball, White Diamond... has more important things to attend to.
:'''Steven''': WHAT?!
:'''White Pearl''': Therefore, I will be here to observe in her place. Welcome to Era 3.
:'''Steven''': Gra!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': (''through gritted teeth'') Pink, what are you doing?!
:'''Stevonnie''': I was just dancing! (''sees they have fused and everybody else looks in shock'')
:'''Blue Diamond''': Pink, this is completely unacceptable! Unfuse or I'll make you!
:''[Ruby and Sapphire fuse and become Garnet]''
:'''Garnet''': You'll have to go through me!
:'''Pearl''': (''gasp'') And me! (''Runs over to Amethyst and fuses into Opal'')
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah!
:''[two jades quickly fuse as well]''
:'''Lemon Jade''': And me! ''[Opal and Stevonnie look at Garnet, and she shrugs]'' I knew it! I knew I couldn't be the only one!
:''[Yellow Diamond strikes the Jade Fusion, Opal, and Garnet with her lightning powers, causing them all to poof]''
:'''Stevonnie''': Opal! Garnet!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Pink, you've gone too far even for you. ''[picks up Stevonnie and throws them into a dark room]'' Stay in here and think about what you've done!
:'''Stevonnie''': No, wait!
:''[Yellow Diamond closes the door, ends the episode]''

===''Escapism''===
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[singing]'' ♫ I guess I have to face, that in this awful place, I shouldn't show a trace... of doubt. / But pulled against the grain, I feel a little pain, that I would rather do... without. / I'd rather be free-ee-ee, free-ee-ee, free... / I'd rather be free-ee-ee, free-ee-ee, free... / Free-ee-ee, free-ee-ee, free... / from here. ♫

===''Change Your Mind''===
:'''Steven''': ''[wakes up and looks up at the prison tower window]'' Oh, right -- prison.
:''[Blue Diamond enters]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': I cannot believe you! Making a scene like that.
:''' Steven''': We weren't trying to make a scene! We were just... ''[turns to see that Connie is not present]'' dancing?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': I cannot believe you -- making a scene like that!
:'''Steven''': Whoa -- dejá blue.
:'''Connie''': We didn't mean any harm! I asked Steven to dance; he wasn't trying to cause trouble!
:'''Blue Diamond''': What do you know about this, human?
:'''Connie''': ''[chuckles]'' You think I've never been grounded before?
:'''Blue Diamond''': &quot;Grounded?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': This isn't normal. How many times did you lock her in here? How many times did you make her cry?!
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[defensive]'' I didn't, I... and I'm doing it again... aren't I?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What... are you doing?
:'''Steven''': I'm taking back my friends!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[closes her eyes as she looks up from Steven to readdress Blue; annoyed]'' What are you doing, Blue? Take Pink back to the tower.
:'''Blue Diamond''': She prefers to be called &quot;Steven.&quot;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[slams her hand so forcefully against her throne that it cracks, stands up and assumes an angered stance]'' What are you talking about?! You can't keep bending the rules for her, Blue! She has to set an example, and ''we'' have to set an example! If we bend the rules for her, we have to bend them for everyone!
:'''Connie''': Well, maybe you should!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Take them back to the tower, now!
:'''Blue Diamond''': I won't.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Then I'll do it myself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': When we thought Pink was shattered, when she abandoned us, I alone was there for you, and you would use your power against &lt;big&gt;'''ME?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You'd hurt a fellow Diamond?!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Didn't we hurt Pink?! She was suffering in silence for ages -- just like our Gems -- just like me! And I know ''you're'' suffering in silence, too!
:''[Yellow Diamond claps her fist and uses her lightning power on Blue, causing her to begin to destabilize and scream]''
:'''Steven''': Stop! ''[pulls out his shield and chucks it towards Yellow Diamond's hand, disrupting her concentration]'' You don't have to do this!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Yes, I do! This is what White Diamond expects of all of us. From a thin flake of mica to the deepest, hardest stone, we all must make sacrifices for the sake of our perfect empire.
:'''Steven''': Does ''this'' look perfect to you?! My dad says if every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn't have hot dogs.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': And that means... what?
:'''Steven''': It means if you try and make this empire perfect -- if you just wipe away everything you see as flawed -- you lose all the things that make you happy -- like hot dogs.
:'''Blue Diamond''': Or our Pink.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Uhh... ''[falls to the ground on her knees in an uncharacteristic emotional breakdown]'' Stop. Stop it, Blue. Stop using your power on me...!
:'''Blue Diamond''': I'm not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': Hey, White, I know I was in there with you for a second, but I barely got to talk to you at all. There are so many Gems that are hurting right now. Even Blue and Yellow are hurting. You should hear what they have to say. ''[to Blue and Yellow; whispers]'' This is it.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[struggling]'' We... W-we... We need to talk! About us. I've conquered so many worlds for the sake of the empire. I do everything you ask, and I do it all perfectly. But your very high standards put us all under a ''lot'' of pressure. A Gem could crack under so much pressure. We Diamonds may be hard, but we're also brittle.
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[steps forward]'' White, we used to be close. Don't you remember? When Pink would make us laugh -- all those silly things she did for no reason. There was a reason. She wanted us to be happy together. But we weren't, and we're still not. I know my purpose isn't to be happy, but I find it harder and harder to enforce your rules when they make me miserable. When they make us all miserable.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rainbow Quartz 2.0''': Well, what do you know? It's Rainbow 2.0! Now, this is a fine mess we're in. (''gasps'') That won't do. (''blows raspberry'') Rainbow Quartz powers, activate! Ah, yes. Now that's two stones, with one bird.
:''[Steven and new reformed Pearl unfuse]''
:'''Amethyst''': Wow! Nice form, Pearl.
:'''Pearl''': Oh, ''[chuckles]'' thank you. I'm particularly excited about the jacket. Aah! Steven! We fused!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sunstone''': Awwwwwwwwwww yeah! You better step off! Chillax, my dudes. Your rockin' pal Sunstone is holdin' it down.
:'''Pearl''': Wow!
:'''Amethyst''': Holy...
:'''Connie''': All right!
:'''Peridot''': Unbelievable!
:'''Sunstone''': Oh, you better believe it.
:'''Peridot''': Okay!
:'''Connie''': Sunstone, what are we gonna do? White Diamond's never going to listen, and she's never going to let us leave.
:'''Sunstone''': If she won't listen, we'll ''make'' her listen.
:'''Amethyst''': And ''how'' are we gonna do that?
:'''Sunstone''': I know she's in there. We'll bust into her head and change her mind.
:'''Everyone''': Right!
:'''Sunstone''': Let's take that bully down! ''[to the viewers]'' But remember kids: if you ever have to deal with a bully, be sure to tell an adult. ''[yanks Pearl and Amethyst onto their shoulders and sprints towards the giant pink foot of the ship]'' Ally-oop! ''[summons her suction cups]'' Kids, don't try this at home. Ha! Bungacowa!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': We need to be bigger.
:'''Steven''': Then let's fuse. All four of us. It's the only way we're gonna get up to her head.
:'''Amethyst''': I'm in!
:'''Pearl''': I'm in, too.
:'''Garnet''': Then it's decided. It's time to form Obsidian.
:''[Connie, Bismuth, Peridot, and Lapis back away to give some space for Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, and Steven to perform their fusion dance; Obsidian is formed by letting out a big loud cry for battle]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[amazed]'' They're HU-U-U-U-GE!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': You're wrong! I'm not my mom!
:'''White Diamond''': But don't you know things about her that you couldn't possibly know?
:'''Steven''': I-I've just been connecting with her. My powers, they-they help me to connect to others. I'm not her. I'm just feeling her feelings.
:'''White Diamond''': Isn't it obvious? Even though you've embedded yourself in that human child, your light can't help shining through!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connie''': Don't listen to her Steven! She's just trying to mess with you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''White Diamond''': What is this?! Where is Pink?
:'''Pink Steven''': She's gone.
:'''White Diamond''': What did you say? Answer me!
:'''Pink Steven''': ''[shouting]'' She's &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''GO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-NE!!!!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''White Diamond''': Agh! Don't you raise your shield at me! I only want you to be yourself! If you can't do that, I'll do it &lt;big&gt;FOR YOU!!!&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connie''': Steven! ''[rushes to Steven and hugs him]'' Are you back together? Are you you?
:'''Steven''': Yeah. Yeah! I’m me! I’ve always been me.
:'''White Diamond''': ''NO!'' You are Pink Diamond! That is Pink Diamond's gem! You do not look like this! You do not sound like this! You are not half-human! You're just... acting like a child!
:'''Steven''': I ''am'' a child. What's your excuse?
:'''White Diamond''': ''[starts blushing, and notices the Gems under her control doing the same]'' What's happening? What is this? What's wrong with them? They're turning... pink! I don't understand, I'm in control, I-- ''[gasps]'' Something's wrong! With ME! No!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''White Diamond''': What is this? I feel... ridiculous. Yellow, Blue...
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[gasps]'' She's off-color...
:'''White Diamond''': This can't be happening. I can't have a flaw, I'm supposed to be flawless! If I'm not perfect then... who am I? If you're not Pink, then... who are you? Who is ''anyone?''
:'''Steven''': You know, if you just let everyone be whoever they are, maybe you could let yourself be whoever you are too.
:'''White Diamond''': But I'm not supposed to be like this! I'm supposed to know better, I'm supposed to ''be'' better, I'm supposed to make ''everything'' better!
:'''Steven''': You can. But first, you're gonna have to leave your own head.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Padparadscha''': I predict our long journey through space will soon be over.
:'''Lars''': Welcome home, guys.
:'''Rhodonite''': We finally made it! Earth! No more running, no more hiding! No more Diamond Authority! ''[they notice the Diamonds, who have heard everything]'' Well, we're cracked.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sadie''': Lars... Look at you! You're... you're a space pirate!
:'''Lars''': Look at you! You're a rock star!
:'''Sadie''': ''[Laughs] Well... ''[Laughs]''
:''[They both laugh in unison]''
:'''Lars''': I think it suits us!
:'''Sadie''': Yeah. Me, too!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[singing]'' ♫ I don’t need you to respect me, I respect me. / I don’t need you to love me, I love me. / But I want you to know you could know me, / If you change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind, / If you change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind, / If you change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind, / Change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind. ♫

[[Category:Steven Universe seasons]]</text>
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    <revision>
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      <comment>/* Lars of the Stars */</comment>
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]]
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{{italic title}}
The following is a list of quotes from the fifth season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''.

===''Stuck Together''===
:'''Aquamarine''': Say, Rose, how do I look?
:'''Steven''': Awful, small and mean!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Topaz''': What was I thinking?
:'''Aquamarine''': That's the problem with you fusions. Sooner or later, you will become ''sentimental.'' ''[the ship rumbles, coming to a stop and a notification pops up]'' We're here. Look, just… unfuse, and we'll never speak of this again.

===''The Trial''===
:'''Steven''': ''[speaking to himself]'' I know my mom did something really bad. Whatever Homeworld has in store for me… I'M READY!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prosecuting Zircon''': Defending a rebel? Isn't that… ''treason?'' ''[chuckles]''
:'''Defense Zircon''': I was ''assigned'' to this!
:''[Blue and Yellow Pearl warp in]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': All rise for the luminous Yellow Diamond! ''[poses]''
:'''Blue Pearl''': And the lustrous Blue Diamond. ''[bows]''
:''[Blue and Yellow Diamond warp in behind them, staring down at Steven]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[looking around]'' Where is the accused?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[looks down at Steven]'' Is that Rose Quartz? Look at this ''hideous'' she's taken. Forget the trial, we should shatter just for looking like that.
:'''Blue Diamond''': No. I want to hear her make her case. I want to know what she thinks we're going to do with her. Because  I want to do something ''worse''.
:''[Steven gulps nervously]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[warps in their throne chairs]'' Fine. Let's just get on with it, shall we?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I did it!
:'''Defense Zircon''': Wha… What, what?! Stop!
:'''Blue Diamond''': No! I want to hear what she has to say.
:''[Steven is elevated up to the Diamonds' height]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': State your name for the record, please.
:'''Steven''': I, um… I am Rose Quartz… and I'm guilty.
:'''Defense Zircon''': Wait! No, don't say that!
:'''Steven''': Everything you guys I did, I did. And I did it by myself. I'm sorry. I'll accept any punishment you want to give me. ''[points down to Lars]'' Just let him go! And leave the Earth alone.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Ha! Sounds like a solid confession to me.
:'''Blue Diamond''': How? How did you do it? How did you shatter Pink Diamond?
:'''Steven''': ''[nervously]'' Um, well…I did it on Earth in front of Pink Diamond's palanquin. I was probably like &quot;Stop!&quot; And she was all like, &quot;No!&quot; So we fought -- I think. And she probably did some cool moves. I probably did some cool stuff, too, some jump-kicks and stuff. But I was most likely deeply conflicted about deciding to shatter her. Definitely crying. I probably had to use the Breaking Point to do it.
:'''Blue Diamond''': It was a ''sword!'' ''[covers her eyes, crying and a blue light fills the room, making everyone except Lars tear up]'' You… shattered her… with a sword! ''[starts sobbing]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[walks up and comforts Blue]'' That's quite enough testimony from you! We shall take a short recess.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Defense Zircon''': What are you saying in there?! &quot;Maybe&quot; this, &quot;probably&quot; that! Oh, what do you mean, ''probably''?!
:'''Steven''': Look I just... I don't actually know how it happened, okay?
:'''Defense Zircon''': You don't ''know''?!
:'''Steven''': I...
:'''Defense Zircon''': ''[grabs Steven by the shirt collar and picks him up]'' Don't tumble my rocks! Both our gems are on the line! Did you do this or not?!
:'''Steven''': It was me, alright! ''[Defense Zircon let's go of his shirt and drops him]'' Rose Quartz did it, and I've got her gem, so I'm the one who's got to pay for this.
:'''Defense Zircon''': You don't know how it happened. ''[Steven shakes his head]'' I get it. There's a reason they want you to explain how you did it.
:'''Steven''': Huh?
:'''Defense Zircon''': It's because it doesn't make sense!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You think you can get away, Rose? You stood your ground on that little speck called Earth. But you're on ''our'' world now.

===''Off Colors''===
:'''Padparadscha''': Oh my gosh, something incredible is going to happen to Lars!

===''Lars' Head''===
:'''Steven''': But it doesn't feel right to just leave you here.
:'''Lars''': You said yourself that everyone on this planet is out to get you. You won't be safe until you're back on Earth.
:'''Steven''': But, Lars--
:'''Lars''': Don't argue with me! You're always trying to help me. You brought me back to life. Just let me be somebody who deserved it.

===''Dewey Wins''===

===''Gemcation''===

===''Raising the Barn''===

===''Back to the Kindergarten''===
:'''Peridot''': This used to make sense to me. I thought life was generated in a kindergarten. Formless, aimless energy channeled into new, useful gems. But life doesn't start in a kindergarten. It ends here. I've gotten used to plants everywhere. Bugs and breeze and sunshine...all of that has been sucked out of this place. 

===''Sadie Killer''===

===''Kevin Party''===

===''Lars of the Stars''===
:'''Emerald''': ''[on screen]'' It's over! I've got you now you miserable off-colors!
:'''Lars''': You'll ''never'' take us alive, Emerald!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lars''': You don't get it, do you, Steven? ''[starts tearing up and sniffles]'' It should be me. ''[starts crying]'' ''I'm'' the one that should be hanging out with the Cool Kids! She's getting back at me for everything I've done!
:'''Connie''': Do you really think Sadie is living her life ''just'' to get back at you?
:'''Lars''': Why else would she be having so much fun without me?!
:'''Steven''': Because life goes on, no matter what happens. She was so upset when she found out you'd be stuck in space, Lars. She really misses you, but, she can't stay sad forever. She started hanging out with the Cool Kids. She quit the Big Donut, all because she needed to do ''something'' to feel better.
:'''Connie''': And look at you! Steven said you'd be hiding in some cave on Homeworld, but you're not! You're out here fighting for freedom with all your new friends in tow! Are ''you'' doing any of this to hurt Sadie?
:'''Lars''': No! I'm doing this because I have to. ''[tears up]'' I'd never do this to hurt Sadie because-
:'''Steven''': Because!
:'''Connie''': Because!
:'''Both''': Because you're best friends!
:''[Lars watches them fuse into Stevonnie]''
:'''Stevonnie''': And best friends wouldn't do anything to hurt each other!

===''Jungle Moon''===
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[squealing in excitement]'' Whoa, cool! Yellow! ''[jumps up to her chair]'' Hey, Yellow.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Oh, you're still here.
:'''Stevonnie''': What are you doing?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm commanding the dropships to colonize this planet.
:'''Stevonnie''': I wanna command a dropship!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Well, when you have your ''own'' colony, you can command whatever you want.
:'''Stevonnie''': I want a colony! ''[Yellow Diamond presses buttons on the panel with four diamonds]'' I want one now! ''[screen unlocks revealing a dropship on the panel]'' What's this?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm contacting the leader of the fleet.
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[amazed]'' Let me do it! ''[starts pressing buttons on the screen but Yellow Diamond grabs her arm]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[angrily]'' DON'T TOUCH THAT!
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[irritated]'' Why ''not''? You have so many worlds and I don't even have ''one''! It's not fair! I want ONE! I want my own ''army''! I want my own ''planet''! I deserve it! I'm just as important as ''YOU''!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[angrily]'' Then why don't you act like it, Pink?!
:''[Stevonnie walks away, holding their arm, angry; approach a window and their fist clenches; Pink Diamond is seen through their reflection and the hand punches the glass smashing it; She suddenly wakes up from the dream, falling out of the hammock on the ground]''
:'''Stevonnie''': (''talking through Connie'') Whoa! ''[breathing hard]'' Steven, what was that? (''talking through Steven'') Diamonds. I'm having Diamond dreams again. But, why now? Why ''here''? ''[looks up and see a mural of Yellow Diamond]'' No way.

===''Your Mother and Mine''===
:'''Garnet''': Come on, everyone. Let me tell you the story of the ''real'' Rose Quartz. ''[Flashback story begins; narrating]'' It was Era 1. The Diamonds, unique in their flawlessness, sought to expand their perfection across the galaxy. And it was for this purpose that Pink Diamond chose her first colony-- the planet Earth. On Earth, every Gem was made to serve Pink Diamond, each with a role to play in her world's perfect empire. In comparison to their creator, their existence was ordinary. They were life-forms only meant to fit their mold, and no one had ever dared to think otherwise. Until, there was Rose Quartz. In stature, she was no different than any other Quartz, and for a time, she did her best to carry out her Diamond's bidding. However, she began to take notice of her strange colony and the life that existed there. Curiosity turned to appreciation. Appreciation turned to fondness. And fondness… turned to love. Soon she was unable to keep her findings secret, and she began asking her fellow Gems if they knew of the life on Earth and what they made of it. She continued to pry her fellow Kindergartners with questions so odd, that word of her eventually made its way to Pink Diamond. Rose Quartz was summoned at once.
:'''Pink Diamond''': Quartz, what have you been saying down there?
:'''Rose''': My Diamond, it has come to my attention that your colony, Earth, bears life. While I know these organic life-forms serve no purpose, I ask that we leave this planet and spare their lives.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Pink Diamond thought for a moment, and then laughed, a wicked, empty sound.
:'''Pink Diamond''': ''[laughing]'' You wish to save these life-forms at the expense of our own? Ha! Don't be absurd. Return to your post, and I will forget your insolence.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' And with that, Rose Quartz was dragged back to her kindergarten for duty. ''[A gem drags Rose away and she continues working]'' Only Rose could no longer stand to continue aiding in the destruction of Earth. She had no choice. She had to fight.
:'''Rose''': ''[stops working and jumps into the air, changing her uniform into a dress before destroying an injector, stands on the broken injector and speaks to the other Quartzes]'' Is this what you want -- to inject, to build?! I've seen the life that exists for itself, and it lives here! Will you destroy it, or will you join it?
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Rose's message began to resonate to Pink Diamond's dismay. Her colony was falling apart. So, like a coward, she called for her Diamond allies, Yellow and Blue, to help. But Rose also found herself with allies, other Gems that were cast out for being wrong -- a Pearl who belonged to no one… a Bismuth who built weapons for rebels instead of towers for tyrants… An entirely new fusion, for not power, but for love… And countless others, all inspired by Rose to live for ourselves on Earth. She was our leader. And Earth was our precious home. And those who fought to save it became known as…the Crystal Gems!
:'''Rhodonite''': Unbelievable!
:'''Rutile Twins''': There were Gems like us?
:'''Padparadscha''': Fighting.
:'''Fluorite''': For… their… freedom?
:'''Garnet''': Yes, and we were fearless! ''[Flashback resumes; narrating]'' It was an impossible fight, but we fought anyway. And the more Gems who saw us, the more who joined. But Pink Diamond's forces proved too strong. Rose feared that soon she would have nothing left to protect. Rose Quartz drew her rebel blade… and shattered Pink Diamond, saving the Earth for all time from her reign of terror.
:'''Rutile Twins''': Wow! That's incredible! I don't believe it!
:'''Lars''': ''[to Steven]'' Your mom did all that? That's awesome!
:'''Rhodonite''': Wait. What about the rest? What happened after that?
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The other Diamonds were furious. In a last-ditch attempt to wipe out the Rebellion, the Diamonds launched a direct attack against Earth. And in their fury, they used their powers to end the fighting once and for all.
:'''Padparadscha''': I predict this story won't have a happy ending.
:'''Rutile Twins''': We were all told different stories. But they all ended the same way.
:'''Fluorite''': With Rose Quartz… being… defeated.
:'''Rhodonite''': This new version of the story is even worse! So, she was great, and they beat her? What are we supposed to get out of this -- that we can never win?!
:'''Garnet''': We haven't yet, but we can, and we will. They said they annihilated Rose's rebellion, but here ''we'' are. They said they annihilated all of you on Homeworld, but here ''you'' are! They think they have us on the run, but they're the ones that are running from the truth. And the truth is we... are... everywhere!
:'''Rhodonite''': But how many more of us can there be?
:'''Steven''': Way more than you think! I was only on Homeworld for, like, an hour before I ran in to you guys. There must be Off Colors all over the place.
:'''Garnet''': Rose used to say there was something about Earth -- something that set Gems free. But it's not just Earth. Look at you. Love, freedom -- it's universal. You all prove it every moment you live as yourselves. You can show everyone.
:'''Fluorite''': We… can do that?
:'''Lars''': Not while we're floating out here like sitting ducks.

===''The Big Show''===

===''Pool Hopping''===
:'''Garnet''': I think I get it.
:'''Steven''': Hm?
:'''Garnet''': Why my future vision has been so off. I have to change the way I think about you. 
:'''Steven''': What?
:'''Garnet''': I've been looking into probable futures where you act like a child. I keep expecting you to run from responsibility and to turn to me for help, but you don't do that anymore. Those futures aren't probable at all. There's nothing wrong with this timeline or my future vision. I just need to factor in that you've grown up.

===''Letters to Lars''===

===''Can't Go Back''===
:'''Blue Diamond''': But this is what you wanted.
:'''Steven''': ''[wakes up and gasps; turns to see Lapis is nowhere to be seen]'' Lapis? ''[turns forward to the silhouettes of Blue, Yellow, and Pink Diamond]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': You begged us for a colony of your own, and now all you want to do is be rid of it. First there were too many organics. Then their cities were too difficult to dismantle, and -- and now these Crystal Gems. We're tired of your excuses, Pink. We're tired of your excuses, Pink.
:'''Steven''': The Diamonds.
:'''Blue Diamonds''': This Rose Quartz can't hurt you. You can't be swayed by a few unruly Gems. ''[Holds her hand up as Pink Diamond is about to say something]'' Enough! You must understand, you are a Diamond. Everyone on this planet is looking to you. You don't even have to do anything. Just smile and wave. Show everyone you're unfazed by this little uprising. Your Gems will fall into line, and these Crystal Gems will be no more. As long as you are there to rule, this colony will be completed.

===''A Single Pale Rose''===
:'''Steven''': It better not turn out that her phone was in her pocket...or she left it on the dresser or dropped it in the toilet. Seems about as likely as putting it away in your repressed war memories.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Steven returns from Pearl's gem after learning the truth about how Rose Quartz &quot;shattered&quot; Pink Diamond]''
:'''Steven''': I know.  
:'''Pearl''': ''[tearing up]'' I wanted to tell you for ''so'' long.
:'''Steven''': Mom was Pink Diamond.
:''[Garnet and Amethyst stand in shock behind Steven]''
:'''Amethyst''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAAAAAAAAAT?!?'''&lt;/big&gt;

===''Now We're Only Falling Apart''===
:'''Amethyst''': Let me get this straight. Rose Quartz, leader of the Crystal Gems, Steven's mom, was actually Pink Diamond?!
:'''Steven''': She faked her own shattering, and reformed to be Rose all the time.
:'''Pearl''': Pink Diamond's final command to me was that no one could know, but now that Steven does, I can finally tell you all everything!
:'''Amethyst''': Phew! I mean, a pink lion, a pink sword, and now Pink Diamond?! Huh, if you told me Rose invented cotton candy, I'd believe it. Right, Garnet? Uh, Garnet?
:'''Garnet''': ''[shaking and gets up]'' Rose. She... she... ''[struggles to stay stable and defuses into Ruby and Sapphire]''
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire...
:'''Sapphire''': ''[betrayed and heartbroken with fury]'' '''SHE LIED TO US!''' She lied about EVERYTHING! She held our hands, looked us right in the eyes, and told us to never question who we are as Garnet. We never questioned ourselves, or her!
:'''Ruby''': We couldn't have known!
:'''Sapphire''': No, you couldn't have known. You never know what's going on. That's what I'm for!
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire...
:'''Sapphire''': But I never looked into her, I trusted her... I let her make fools of us all!
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire, wait!
:'''Steven''': Guys! ''[slips on the ice Sapphire had caused due to her stress]''
:'''Ruby''': Please...We can just stay calm and talk about this, right? Let's just, talk.
:'''Sapphire''': Talk about what? How our relationship is based on a lie? What else is there to say? ''[warps to Rose's Fountain]''
:'''Pearl''': Ruby, I am so sorry...
:'''Steven''': Come on, Pearl. Help me explain everything to Sapphire.
:'''Pearl''': Right.
:'''Steven''': Sit tight, Ruby. We'll go and get Sapphire.
:'''Ruby''': Okay. ''[starts crying]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sapphire''': ''[grieving]'' Everything we were running from, she was right there all along…using us for her little war…smiling at us with those knowing eyes… Making me believe in a better future that I couldn't see, because it wasn't real. And now here we are, our friends, shattered, and corrupted…of course she was a Diamond. What a long road she took to torture us all like this.
:'''Steven''': It wasn't like that. You know she didn't want anyone to get hurt.
:'''Sapphire''': I don't know that! I clearly don't know anything.
:'''Pearl''': You deserve to know everything. I was given to Pink Diamond a few thousand years before she was given the Earth. I was supposed to make her happy, I just never could.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': Is everything alright, my Diamond? You seem troubled.
:'''Rose''': All this life that's been growing wild here on Earth…none of it will survive my invasion. We're not creating life from nothing. We're ''taking'' life, and leaving nothing behind.
:'''Pearl''': Forgive me, my Diamond. I shouldn't have brought you to such a place.
:'''Rose''': No. I needed to see this.
:''[scene shifts back to the fountain]''
:'''Steven''': So she ''did'' want to protect Earth. She didn't realize what the colony was doing to the planet.
:'''Sapphire''': So what?! She suddenly started to care about Earth? Why did she have to rope us into all this? Why couldn't she just stop the colonization herself?
:'''Pearl''': She ''tried''. When she told the other Diamonds she didn't want to go through with the colony, they told her to finish what she started. When she told the other Diamonds she wanted to preserve life on Earth, they created the zoo and threw a handful of humans in. She did everything she could as Pink Diamond. But her status meant nothing to Blue and Yellow. So she decided to make a stand, as someone they couldn't ignore. She was going to scare every Gem off the planet. But everything changed when she saw…your fusion.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': Before Garnet, Rose was only fighting for Earth. But Garnet changed everything. Rose wanted to fight for her, she wanted to fight for Gems! And maybe she was foolish, and maybe even...selfish, but she was-
:'''Sapphire''': Following us.
:'''Pearl''': What?
:'''Sapphire''': This whole time, we thought we were following her, but she was following ''us''. How could she not after you swept her off her feet?

===''What's your Problem''===

===''The Question''===

===''Made of Honor''===
:'''Steven''': So, my Dad will finish playing the music, and then next you'll do the &quot;I do&quot;s. And then I'll say… &quot;I now pronounce you Garnet.&quot; And then you fuse! Everyone will cheer!
:'''Sapphire''': Everyone… who survived.
:'''Ruby''': Huh?
:'''Sapphire''': Oh, it's just… There's so many old friends who won't be able to come. All the Crystal Gems who were corrupted and bubbled in the basement.
:'''Ruby''': Maybe we could bring the bubbles up here?
:'''Sapphire''': No, no. It's not safe. We can't risk them getting out.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bismuth''': Hey everyone. Did you guys &quot;Bismi-th&quot; me?
:''[Pearl, Sapphire, Ruby and Amethyst drop their sodas simultaneously]''
:'''Peridot''': Ha! I win! Also, less importantly, who are you?
:'''Steven''': I… invited Bismuth! I hope that's cool.
:'''Sapphire''': ''[slowly walks up to her]'' Bismuth. ''[hugs her]''
:'''Bismuth''': Whoa, Sapphire!
:'''Pearl and Ruby''': Bismuth! ''[tackle her to the floor, and begin nuzzling her]''
:'''Sapphire''': You wouldn't believe what we've all been through. I'm so sorry! We should've-
:'''Bismuth''': Look, I'm right there with you, Steven filled me in.
:'''Peridot''': So, is anyone going to introduce me?
:'''Amethyst''': Let's give 'em some space.

===''Reunited''===
:'''Steven''': Dearly beloved Gems, humans, lions big and small, living gourds, Onion, we are gathered here today to celebrate Ruby and Sapphire, two of my favorite people, who combine into one of my ''other'' favorite people! You all probably know her as Garnet. She's their love, given form. Now it's your turn to talk about that.
:'''Ruby''': I know this is all kind of silly, I mean, we've been together for 5,750 years.
:'''Sapphire''': And 8 months.
:'''Ruby''': I used to feel like I wasn't much good, just one of me on my own. But when we're together, it feels like it's okay to just be me. So I wanna be me, with you, an-and, not even the Diamonds will come between us. And if they try, we'll beat em up!
:'''Sapphire''': Ruby, my future used to look like one single, obvious stream, unbending 'til the end of time. In an instant, you pulled me from that destiny and opened my eye to an explosion of infinite possible futures, streaking across space and time, altered and obliterated by the smallest force of will. ''[beat]'' What I mean is, you changed my life. And then, I changed your life. And now, we changed our lives.
:'''Steven''': Bismuth, the rings.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[gently bumps Bismuth]'' Hey Bismuth, that's your cue.
:''[Bismuth, touched and crying by the vows, approaches them with the rings]''
:'''Steven''': Ruby, do you take this Gem to have and to hold, on this and every other planet in the universe!?
:'''Ruby''': I DO!
:'''Steven''': And Sapphire, do you-
:'''Sapphire''': Yes.
:'''Steven''': ''[whispering]'' You didn't let me finish.
:'''Sapphire''': I'm just very excited.
:'''Steven''': Then by the power vested in me by the state of Delmarva, I now pronounce you… Garnet!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': What a wonderful idea. Humans found a way to make a moment's decision last forever. I won't need future vision to know I'll always remember this.
:'''Steven''': I'm so glad. ''[starts tearing up]''
:'''Garnet''': Oh no. I'm sorry. Don't cry.
:'''Steven''': ''[wipes off the tears]'' I guess seeing everyone together got me really choked up. ''[bigger tears begin flowing out of his eyes]'' Wait a second. You don't think…?
:'''Garnet''': ''[takes off her visor, opening her third eye]'' Blue Diamond!
:'''Steven''': She's here?!
:'''Garnet''': And she's not alone.
:''[The sky darkens quickly and everyone looks up to the sky, seeing Blue and Yellow Diamond's ships approaching]''
:'''Steven''': Oh, no. It's the Diamonds! ''[runs up to Nanefua]'' Nanefua, get on your Nane-phone! We've got a code blue ''and'' a code yellow!
:'''Garnet''':
:''[As the Diamond ships approach the beach, they fly overhead them]''
:'''Peridot''': WE'RE OVER HERE, YOU CLODS!
:'''Pearl''': Wha- where are they going?!
:'''Steven''': If they're not here for us, they must be here for the Cluster!
:'''Bismuth''': What's the Cluster?
:'''Steven''': It's a huge earth-destroying geo-weapon that the Diamonds made out of a bajillion gem shards!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': You cannot fathom how much I've mourned, what thousands of years of grief has done to me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': I know this sword. This is the sword that '''SHATTERED HER!''' ''[shatters the sword as Steven gasps, which made Connie fall down only to be caught by Lion]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Blue Diamond!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Who are you supposed to be?
:'''Garnet''': I am the will of two Gems to care for each other, to protect each other from any threat, no matter how vast or how cruel. You couldn't stop me 5,750 years ago, and you can't stop me now!
:'''Blue Diamond''': It's you, that Ruby and Sapphire that disrupted my court.
:'''Garnet''': This is supposed to be MY day!
:'''Blue Diamond''': You hope to defeat me by clinging to my feet?
:'''Garnet''': I just needed to keep you from taking three steps to the right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': Lapis Lazuli? Does every Gem that comes in contact with this planet turn traitor?!
:'''Lapis''': I've felt ''worse.''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': With all our strength together, we can take her down!
:'''Steven''': That's right! This is our home, our planet, our friends and family! We are the Crystal Gems!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Pathetic! You are &lt;big&gt;'''NOTHING!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Ha! I told her off, once. I can do it again. ''[jumps off Bismuth's hands and runs up to Yellow Diamond]'' Hey! Yellow Clod! '''''REMEMBER ME?!'''''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': No. ''[zaps and poofs Peridot to her gemstone]''
:'''Steven''': Stop! ''[jumps off Garnet's hands and runs up to the Diamonds]'' Don't do this! Listen to me, ''I'm'' the one you're missing! I'm Pink Diamond!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[shocked and angry]'' You! ''[charges towards Steven as he summons his shield]''
:'''Garnet''': Steven!
:''[Yellow Diamond stomps her foot on Steven in fury, knocking him out unconsciously]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lapis Lazuli''': What else have you got?! I've only just begun to fight! ''[gets zapped and poofed to her gemstone by Yellow Diamond]''
:'''Steven''': ''[shocked gasp]'' Lapis!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''How miserable. I knew Pink couldn't handle her own colony. But, I gave in. And now, I'm to blame for her fate.''
:'''Steven''': Ah, her thoughts are too strong!
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''What good will any of this do? The more I make these Gems suffer, the more I long to see you again, Pink.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': This feeling, I know it!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': It must be a trick! Show yourself, foe!
:'''Steven''': I'm not your foe. Please, just listen to me!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': There!
:'''Steven''': ''Please, the fighting has to stop. We aren't enemies. We're family. Please listen to me. I need you to know who I am!!!''
:'''Blue Diamond''': Impossible.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': This aura...
:'''Blue Diamond''': It's you! Pink!

===''Legs From Here to Homeworld''===
:'''Garnet''': We can't just hand Steven over to Blue Diamond, she's a shatterer!
:'''Bismuth''': She's not gonna hurt him, look at her. She really thinks he's one of them.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[sobbing loudly]'' Somebody make Blue Diamond stop!
:'''Connie''': Are you guys okay?
:'''Pearl''': It's just… ''[sniffles]'' Blue Diamond's power. She's obviously relieved that Pink Diamond wasn't shattered after all.
:''[Yellow Diamond tries to reactive her ship and Blue Diamond's, but are too damaged]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmm. How could you do this to us, Pink? Why did you let us think you were shattered? Why the strange disguise? Why are you doing a voice? Why didn't you say something at the trial?! And Blue, could you please stop crying? I can't see. ''[wipes her tears, splashing the Gems]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': Sorry. ''[sets Steven down]''
:'''Steven''': My mom kept it secret from everyone.
:'''Pearl''': Ahem.
:'''Steven''': Almost everyone.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What are you talking about?
:'''Steven''': Well, apparently, Mom… Oh, geez. You don't know what a mom is. Okay, Pink Diamond took the form of Rose Quartz permanently after faking her shattering. Then, Rose Quartz gave up ''that'' form to create a new life with my dad-- me. Rose passed her gemstone and some of her powers onto me, but that's all. I-I don't have any of Pink ''or'' Rose's memories. I'm sorry.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmm. I'm sure your memories are in there somewhere, Pink.
:'''Steven''': Actually, I go by &quot;Steven.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': We can only do so much, if it was the ''four'' of us.
:'''Blue Diamond''': Oh, no. We can't let ''her'' see this!
:'''Steven''': Who? Who do we need?!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What do you mean, &quot;who?&quot; White.
:'''Pearl''': ''[shocked]'' White Diamond?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While traveling to Homeworld]''
:'''Steven''': Should I have brought a gift for White Diamond? We ''are'' dropping in unexpectedly, and… I want to make a good first impression. Her help will mean everything for the Corrupted Gems.
:'''Pearl''': Steven...
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmph. &quot;Good impression&quot;? We'll be lucky if she ever ''speaks'' to us again after this.
:'''Steven''': But...
:'''Blue Diamond''': The thing is, White... can be... ''difficult''.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': When we show up in this ship, it will be irrefutable that the last 6,000 years are now the biggest galactic embarrassment that's ever happened. And ''we're'' the ones to blame. (''to Steven'') If you don't want to be in a bubble for the next few millennia, I suggest you let ''me'' do the talking.

===''Familiar''===
:'''Steven''': Pearl!
:'''Pearl''': Steven! ''[runs over to Steven and hugs him]'' Oh, thank the stars! You're okay! What did White Diamond do? Did she hurt you?
:'''Steven''': No, she was like, &quot;Welcome home.&quot; I don't think she understands that I'm not Pink Diamond. Where's Connie? And Garnet and Amethyst?
:'''Pearl''': They're still on the ship. ''[summons a hot dog bag]'' I'm only here because I'm bringing your things. And they consider me one of your things.
:'''Steven''': Yeesh.
:''[Diamond chime plays]''
:'''Pearl''': The Diamond chime -- it's Yellow.
:''[The door opens, revealing Yellow Pearl standing right there]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Diamond, my Diamond has requested your presence in the extraction chamber.
:'''Pearl''': Let's get you into a suit. ''[opens the bag]''
:''[Steven, wearing his yellow swimsuit, Pearl, and Yellow Pearl walk through a yellow hallway]''
:'''Steven''': Swim trunks don't seem very formal.
:'''Pearl''': Trust me, this will be more comfortable than jeans.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Diamond.
:'''Steven''': Please, call me Steven.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Steven.
:'''Steven''': No, just Steven.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Just Steven.
:'''Steven''': Call me... Lasagna.
:'''Pearl''': Steven, stop. You're going to break her. ''[opens the extraction chamber door]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Have a nice extraction, Pink Lasagna.
:''[Steven walks into the extraction chamber sauna]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Pink.
:'''Steven''': Hi, Yellow. Cool sauna.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': It's new. Have a seat. ''[Steven uses his floating powers to jump up and takes a seat]'' So, you met with White. How was it?
:'''Steven''': All I got to say was, &quot;Hi,&quot; and, &quot;um,&quot; and, &quot;I.&quot;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Two and a half words -- that's a record.
:'''Steven''': Two and a half words isn't enough. I still need to talk to White about healing all the corrupted Gems!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmm. Good luck. White never leaves her own head these days, and she never lets anyone in -- except you, I guess. It's so unfair. I have hundreds of successful crystal system colonies, but you get to see her because your one colony is a failure!
:'''Steven''': Maybe you should just… ''fail?''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[looks momentarily shocked, then starts laughing]'' Oh, Pink, you always did have quite a knack for making me laugh. You're almost worth the trouble.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Pearl''': ''[showing up]'' Pink Diamond, my Diamond was requested your presence.
:''[Steven, Pearl, and Blue Pearl walk down a blue hallway]''
:'''Steven''': We barely talked about White at all. She had to rush to do a report, and I couldn't go with her. I get they're, like, busy, 'cause they're dictators and everything, but I need more time! ''[gasps and face-palms]'' I should have asked her what she was doing after the Citron thing!
:'''Pearl''': She'll be at that for a while. Yellow Diamond oversees all aspects of Gem production on every single one of her colonies. And when she's not doing that, she's off with her army, conquering the next one.
:'''Steven''': What about their days off, weekends?
:'''Blue Pearl''': My Diamond is awaiting our arrival.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Pearl''': ''[turns to Pearl]'' Welcome back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': You're here! Come in.
:'''Steven''': Okay! ''[runs and jumps into the pool, laughing]'' Whoo-hoo! (''laughing'') It's funny! I -- I live right next to the ocean, but I end up going to space to swim.
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[laughs, causing the pool to shake a bit]'' You haven't changed. So silly. So small.
:'''Steven''': I'm not done growing. I'm not sure I can catch up to you and Yellow, though.
:'''Blue Diamond''': I'm so glad you're back... Steven.
:'''Steven''': Y-You actually said my name!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Steven. Steee-von? (''chuckles'') It's such a funny sounding name. You're so creative, Pink.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': (''sighs'') This is so weird. Was this some sort of spa day or something? And what about Pink? Did she have a job here, or did she just sit in a room while they were off doing whatever?
:'''Pearl''': Before her colony, Pink used to throw massive balls.
:'''Steven''': ''[surprised]'' She was a juggler?!
:'''Pearl''': No -- Well, yes. But she would also throw parties for the other Diamonds to mark their many accomplishments. Every member of every court would show up to bask in the presence of all four Diamonds.
:'''Steven''': Even White would come?
:'''Pearl''': Oh, yes! Huh. I wonder what's even become of Pink's court.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ♫ Oh, I'll get them all together in one place / And once we're all together face-to-face / I'll show them all the error of their ways / And stop their spread of terror across space! ♫

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I figured it out! Remember back when I was little and maybe kind of annoying, and I couldn't come along on adventures? You guys would still drop everything to hang out with me! That's Pink Diamond! I know I can do this! Just watch -- I'm gonna throw a huge ball, and I'm gonna invite everyone!

===''Together Alone''===
:'''Pearl''': The Pebbles have been working all night. What do you think?
:'''Steven''': It almost feels like home.
:'''Garnet''': Almost.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': A ball? We haven't had a ball in 6,000 years.
:'''Blue Diamond''': We haven't had Pink in 6,000 years!
:'''Steven''': Yeah! When White Diamond shows up we can tell her why we need her help on Earth!
:'''Blue Diamond''': And, this can also mark the beginning of Era 3.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You're right, it's brilliant.
:'''Steven''': Thank you, Yellow! Thank you, Blue!
:'''Blue Diamond''': If White is going to be there everything has to be perfect! Pink, can you manage this on your own? Our Pearls can help you get started.
:'''Blue Pearl''': At your service, Pink Diamond.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Make sure you go through all of our customs with Pink, since she has so much trouble recalling her past here on Homeworld.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Yes, My Diamond.
:'''Pearl''': Era 3! Steven, you're already changing the world!
:'''Steven''': Yeah! Come on, party Pearls!
:'''Yellow and Blue Pearl''': We are at your command, Pink Diamond.
:'''Steven''': Just call me Steven.
:'''Yellow and Blue Pearl''': Whatever you command, Pink Diamond.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': Balloons everywhere! Confetti cannons too!
:'''Amethyst''': Dibs on being the confetti cannon!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Cannons are ''forbidden'' inside palace walls. These &quot;balloons&quot; you're referring to, are unprecedented and therefore out of the question.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Diamond! Your subjects will do the dancing for you! Why would a Diamond want to dance?
:'''Steven''': Because dancing's fun!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': What is &quot;fun&quot;?
:'''Connie''': You know, it's when you do something you wanna do, just because it feels good.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': I don't think we do that here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': The Sapphire will need to enter with the other Sapphires of course, and the Ruby will need to enter with the guard.
:'''Steven''': Woah, woah, woah. Are you talking about Garnet?
:'''Blue Diamond''': Garnet? Does &quot;that&quot; call herself a Garnet? What would you have her do? Enter with the Demantoids, the Hessonites, the Pyropes? Pink, I'm being very generous, but you can't expect me to-
:'''Garnet''': I won't go.
:'''Steven''': Garnet?
:'''Blue Diamond''': At least the Sapphire in there has some sense.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Everyone, behold! The daunting, beauty and elegance that is, Yellow Diamond!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Not a bad turnout, Pink.
:'''Steven''': I appreciate your attendance, Yellow.
:'''Blue Pearl''': Ahem, everyone prepare yourselves emotionally for the overpowering elegance that is, Blue Diamond.
:'''Blue Diamond''': You're doing great.
:'''Steven''': Thank you, Blue.
:'''White Pearl''': To those in attendance of the Era 3 ball, White Diamond... has more important things to attend to.
:'''Steven''': WHAT?!
:'''White Pearl''': Therefore, I will be here to observe in her place. Welcome to Era 3.
:'''Steven''': Gra!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': (''through gritted teeth'') Pink, what are you doing?!
:'''Stevonnie''': I was just dancing! (''sees they have fused and everybody else looks in shock'')
:'''Blue Diamond''': Pink, this is completely unacceptable! Unfuse or I'll make you!
:''[Ruby and Sapphire fuse and become Garnet]''
:'''Garnet''': You'll have to go through me!
:'''Pearl''': (''gasp'') And me! (''Runs over to Amethyst and fuses into Opal'')
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah!
:''[two jades quickly fuse as well]''
:'''Lemon Jade''': And me! ''[Opal and Stevonnie look at Garnet, and she shrugs]'' I knew it! I knew I couldn't be the only one!
:''[Yellow Diamond strikes the Jade Fusion, Opal, and Garnet with her lightning powers, causing them all to poof]''
:'''Stevonnie''': Opal! Garnet!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Pink, you've gone too far even for you. ''[picks up Stevonnie and throws them into a dark room]'' Stay in here and think about what you've done!
:'''Stevonnie''': No, wait!
:''[Yellow Diamond closes the door, ends the episode]''

===''Escapism''===
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[singing]'' ♫ I guess I have to face, that in this awful place, I shouldn't show a trace... of doubt. / But pulled against the grain, I feel a little pain, that I would rather do... without. / I'd rather be free-ee-ee, free-ee-ee, free... / I'd rather be free-ee-ee, free-ee-ee, free... / Free-ee-ee, free-ee-ee, free... / from here. ♫

===''Change Your Mind''===
:'''Steven''': ''[wakes up and looks up at the prison tower window]'' Oh, right -- prison.
:''[Blue Diamond enters]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': I cannot believe you! Making a scene like that.
:''' Steven''': We weren't trying to make a scene! We were just... ''[turns to see that Connie is not present]'' dancing?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': I cannot believe you -- making a scene like that!
:'''Steven''': Whoa -- dejá blue.
:'''Connie''': We didn't mean any harm! I asked Steven to dance; he wasn't trying to cause trouble!
:'''Blue Diamond''': What do you know about this, human?
:'''Connie''': ''[chuckles]'' You think I've never been grounded before?
:'''Blue Diamond''': &quot;Grounded?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': This isn't normal. How many times did you lock her in here? How many times did you make her cry?!
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[defensive]'' I didn't, I... and I'm doing it again... aren't I?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What... are you doing?
:'''Steven''': I'm taking back my friends!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[closes her eyes as she looks up from Steven to readdress Blue; annoyed]'' What are you doing, Blue? Take Pink back to the tower.
:'''Blue Diamond''': She prefers to be called &quot;Steven.&quot;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[slams her hand so forcefully against her throne that it cracks, stands up and assumes an angered stance]'' What are you talking about?! You can't keep bending the rules for her, Blue! She has to set an example, and ''we'' have to set an example! If we bend the rules for her, we have to bend them for everyone!
:'''Connie''': Well, maybe you should!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Take them back to the tower, now!
:'''Blue Diamond''': I won't.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Then I'll do it myself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': When we thought Pink was shattered, when she abandoned us, I alone was there for you, and you would use your power against &lt;big&gt;'''ME?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You'd hurt a fellow Diamond?!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Didn't we hurt Pink?! She was suffering in silence for ages -- just like our Gems -- just like me! And I know ''you're'' suffering in silence, too!
:''[Yellow Diamond claps her fist and uses her lightning power on Blue, causing her to begin to destabilize and scream]''
:'''Steven''': Stop! ''[pulls out his shield and chucks it towards Yellow Diamond's hand, disrupting her concentration]'' You don't have to do this!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Yes, I do! This is what White Diamond expects of all of us. From a thin flake of mica to the deepest, hardest stone, we all must make sacrifices for the sake of our perfect empire.
:'''Steven''': Does ''this'' look perfect to you?! My dad says if every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn't have hot dogs.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': And that means... what?
:'''Steven''': It means if you try and make this empire perfect -- if you just wipe away everything you see as flawed -- you lose all the things that make you happy -- like hot dogs.
:'''Blue Diamond''': Or our Pink.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Uhh... ''[falls to the ground on her knees in an uncharacteristic emotional breakdown]'' Stop. Stop it, Blue. Stop using your power on me...!
:'''Blue Diamond''': I'm not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': Hey, White, I know I was in there with you for a second, but I barely got to talk to you at all. There are so many Gems that are hurting right now. Even Blue and Yellow are hurting. You should hear what they have to say. ''[to Blue and Yellow; whispers]'' This is it.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[struggling]'' We... W-we... We need to talk! About us. I've conquered so many worlds for the sake of the empire. I do everything you ask, and I do it all perfectly. But your very high standards put us all under a ''lot'' of pressure. A Gem could crack under so much pressure. We Diamonds may be hard, but we're also brittle.
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[steps forward]'' White, we used to be close. Don't you remember? When Pink would make us laugh -- all those silly things she did for no reason. There was a reason. She wanted us to be happy together. But we weren't, and we're still not. I know my purpose isn't to be happy, but I find it harder and harder to enforce your rules when they make me miserable. When they make us all miserable.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rainbow Quartz 2.0''': Well, what do you know? It's Rainbow 2.0! Now, this is a fine mess we're in. (''gasps'') That won't do. (''blows raspberry'') Rainbow Quartz powers, activate! Ah, yes. Now that's two stones, with one bird.
:''[Steven and new reformed Pearl unfuse]''
:'''Amethyst''': Wow! Nice form, Pearl.
:'''Pearl''': Oh, ''[chuckles]'' thank you. I'm particularly excited about the jacket. Aah! Steven! We fused!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sunstone''': Awwwwwwwwwww yeah! You better step off! Chillax, my dudes. Your rockin' pal Sunstone is holdin' it down.
:'''Pearl''': Wow!
:'''Amethyst''': Holy...
:'''Connie''': All right!
:'''Peridot''': Unbelievable!
:'''Sunstone''': Oh, you better believe it.
:'''Peridot''': Okay!
:'''Connie''': Sunstone, what are we gonna do? White Diamond's never going to listen, and she's never going to let us leave.
:'''Sunstone''': If she won't listen, we'll ''make'' her listen.
:'''Amethyst''': And ''how'' are we gonna do that?
:'''Sunstone''': I know she's in there. We'll bust into her head and change her mind.
:'''Everyone''': Right!
:'''Sunstone''': Let's take that bully down! ''[to the viewers]'' But remember kids: if you ever have to deal with a bully, be sure to tell an adult. ''[yanks Pearl and Amethyst onto their shoulders and sprints towards the giant pink foot of the ship]'' Ally-oop! ''[summons her suction cups]'' Kids, don't try this at home. Ha! Bungacowa!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': We need to be bigger.
:'''Steven''': Then let's fuse. All four of us. It's the only way we're gonna get up to her head.
:'''Amethyst''': I'm in!
:'''Pearl''': I'm in, too.
:'''Garnet''': Then it's decided. It's time to form Obsidian.
:''[Connie, Bismuth, Peridot, and Lapis back away to give some space for Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, and Steven to perform their fusion dance; Obsidian is formed by letting out a big loud cry for battle]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[amazed]'' They're HU-U-U-U-GE!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': You're wrong! I'm not my mom!
:'''White Diamond''': But don't you know things about her that you couldn't possibly know?
:'''Steven''': I-I've just been connecting with her. My powers, they-they help me to connect to others. I'm not her. I'm just feeling her feelings.
:'''White Diamond''': Isn't it obvious? Even though you've embedded yourself in that human child, your light can't help shining through!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connie''': Don't listen to her Steven! She's just trying to mess with you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''White Diamond''': What is this?! Where is Pink?
:'''Pink Steven''': She's gone.
:'''White Diamond''': What did you say? Answer me!
:'''Pink Steven''': ''[shouting]'' She's &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''GO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-NE!!!!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''White Diamond''': Agh! Don't you raise your shield at me! I only want you to be yourself! If you can't do that, I'll do it &lt;big&gt;FOR YOU!!!&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connie''': Steven! ''[rushes to Steven and hugs him]'' Are you back together? Are you you?
:'''Steven''': Yeah. Yeah! I’m me! I’ve always been me.
:'''White Diamond''': ''NO!'' You are Pink Diamond! That is Pink Diamond's gem! You do not look like this! You do not sound like this! You are not half-human! You're just... acting like a child!
:'''Steven''': I ''am'' a child. What's your excuse?
:'''White Diamond''': ''[starts blushing, and notices the Gems under her control doing the same]'' What's happening? What is this? What's wrong with them? They're turning... pink! I don't understand, I'm in control, I-- ''[gasps]'' Something's wrong! With ME! No!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''White Diamond''': What is this? I feel... ridiculous. Yellow, Blue...
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[gasps]'' She's off-color...
:'''White Diamond''': This can't be happening. I can't have a flaw, I'm supposed to be flawless! If I'm not perfect then... who am I? If you're not Pink, then... who are you? Who is ''anyone?''
:'''Steven''': You know, if you just let everyone be whoever they are, maybe you could let yourself be whoever you are too.
:'''White Diamond''': But I'm not supposed to be like this! I'm supposed to know better, I'm supposed to ''be'' better, I'm supposed to make ''everything'' better!
:'''Steven''': You can. But first, you're gonna have to leave your own head.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Padparadscha''': I predict our long journey through space will soon be over.
:'''Lars''': Welcome home, guys.
:'''Rhodonite''': We finally made it! Earth! No more running, no more hiding! No more Diamond Authority! ''[they notice the Diamonds, who have heard everything]'' Well, we're cracked.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sadie''': Lars... Look at you! You're... you're a space pirate!
:'''Lars''': Look at you! You're a rock star!
:'''Sadie''': ''[Laughs] Well... ''[Laughs]''
:''[They both laugh in unison]''
:'''Lars''': I think it suits us!
:'''Sadie''': Yeah. Me, too!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[singing]'' ♫ I don’t need you to respect me, I respect me. / I don’t need you to love me, I love me. / But I want you to know you could know me, / If you change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind, / If you change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind, / If you change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind, / Change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind. ♫

[[Category:Steven Universe seasons]]</text>
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      <comment>/* Your Mother and Mine */</comment>
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]]
----
{{italic title}}
The following is a list of quotes from the fifth season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''.

===''Stuck Together''===
:'''Aquamarine''': Say, Rose, how do I look?
:'''Steven''': Awful, small and mean!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Topaz''': What was I thinking?
:'''Aquamarine''': That's the problem with you fusions. Sooner or later, you will become ''sentimental.'' ''[the ship rumbles, coming to a stop and a notification pops up]'' We're here. Look, just… unfuse, and we'll never speak of this again.

===''The Trial''===
:'''Steven''': ''[speaking to himself]'' I know my mom did something really bad. Whatever Homeworld has in store for me… I'M READY!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prosecuting Zircon''': Defending a rebel? Isn't that… ''treason?'' ''[chuckles]''
:'''Defense Zircon''': I was ''assigned'' to this!
:''[Blue and Yellow Pearl warp in]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': All rise for the luminous Yellow Diamond! ''[poses]''
:'''Blue Pearl''': And the lustrous Blue Diamond. ''[bows]''
:''[Blue and Yellow Diamond warp in behind them, staring down at Steven]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[looking around]'' Where is the accused?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[looks down at Steven]'' Is that Rose Quartz? Look at this ''hideous'' she's taken. Forget the trial, we should shatter just for looking like that.
:'''Blue Diamond''': No. I want to hear her make her case. I want to know what she thinks we're going to do with her. Because  I want to do something ''worse''.
:''[Steven gulps nervously]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[warps in their throne chairs]'' Fine. Let's just get on with it, shall we?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I did it!
:'''Defense Zircon''': Wha… What, what?! Stop!
:'''Blue Diamond''': No! I want to hear what she has to say.
:''[Steven is elevated up to the Diamonds' height]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': State your name for the record, please.
:'''Steven''': I, um… I am Rose Quartz… and I'm guilty.
:'''Defense Zircon''': Wait! No, don't say that!
:'''Steven''': Everything you guys I did, I did. And I did it by myself. I'm sorry. I'll accept any punishment you want to give me. ''[points down to Lars]'' Just let him go! And leave the Earth alone.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Ha! Sounds like a solid confession to me.
:'''Blue Diamond''': How? How did you do it? How did you shatter Pink Diamond?
:'''Steven''': ''[nervously]'' Um, well…I did it on Earth in front of Pink Diamond's palanquin. I was probably like &quot;Stop!&quot; And she was all like, &quot;No!&quot; So we fought -- I think. And she probably did some cool moves. I probably did some cool stuff, too, some jump-kicks and stuff. But I was most likely deeply conflicted about deciding to shatter her. Definitely crying. I probably had to use the Breaking Point to do it.
:'''Blue Diamond''': It was a ''sword!'' ''[covers her eyes, crying and a blue light fills the room, making everyone except Lars tear up]'' You… shattered her… with a sword! ''[starts sobbing]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[walks up and comforts Blue]'' That's quite enough testimony from you! We shall take a short recess.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Defense Zircon''': What are you saying in there?! &quot;Maybe&quot; this, &quot;probably&quot; that! Oh, what do you mean, ''probably''?!
:'''Steven''': Look I just... I don't actually know how it happened, okay?
:'''Defense Zircon''': You don't ''know''?!
:'''Steven''': I...
:'''Defense Zircon''': ''[grabs Steven by the shirt collar and picks him up]'' Don't tumble my rocks! Both our gems are on the line! Did you do this or not?!
:'''Steven''': It was me, alright! ''[Defense Zircon let's go of his shirt and drops him]'' Rose Quartz did it, and I've got her gem, so I'm the one who's got to pay for this.
:'''Defense Zircon''': You don't know how it happened. ''[Steven shakes his head]'' I get it. There's a reason they want you to explain how you did it.
:'''Steven''': Huh?
:'''Defense Zircon''': It's because it doesn't make sense!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You think you can get away, Rose? You stood your ground on that little speck called Earth. But you're on ''our'' world now.

===''Off Colors''===
:'''Padparadscha''': Oh my gosh, something incredible is going to happen to Lars!

===''Lars' Head''===
:'''Steven''': But it doesn't feel right to just leave you here.
:'''Lars''': You said yourself that everyone on this planet is out to get you. You won't be safe until you're back on Earth.
:'''Steven''': But, Lars--
:'''Lars''': Don't argue with me! You're always trying to help me. You brought me back to life. Just let me be somebody who deserved it.

===''Dewey Wins''===

===''Gemcation''===

===''Raising the Barn''===

===''Back to the Kindergarten''===
:'''Peridot''': This used to make sense to me. I thought life was generated in a kindergarten. Formless, aimless energy channeled into new, useful gems. But life doesn't start in a kindergarten. It ends here. I've gotten used to plants everywhere. Bugs and breeze and sunshine...all of that has been sucked out of this place. 

===''Sadie Killer''===

===''Kevin Party''===

===''Lars of the Stars''===
:'''Emerald''': ''[on screen]'' It's over! I've got you now you miserable off-colors!
:'''Lars''': You'll ''never'' take us alive, Emerald!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lars''': You don't get it, do you, Steven? ''[starts tearing up and sniffles]'' It should be me. ''[starts crying]'' ''I'm'' the one that should be hanging out with the Cool Kids! She's getting back at me for everything I've done!
:'''Connie''': Do you really think Sadie is living her life ''just'' to get back at you?
:'''Lars''': Why else would she be having so much fun without me?!
:'''Steven''': Because life goes on, no matter what happens. She was so upset when she found out you'd be stuck in space, Lars. She really misses you, but, she can't stay sad forever. She started hanging out with the Cool Kids. She quit the Big Donut, all because she needed to do ''something'' to feel better.
:'''Connie''': And look at you! Steven said you'd be hiding in some cave on Homeworld, but you're not! You're out here fighting for freedom with all your new friends in tow! Are ''you'' doing any of this to hurt Sadie?
:'''Lars''': No! I'm doing this because I have to. ''[tears up]'' I'd never do this to hurt Sadie because-
:'''Steven''': Because!
:'''Connie''': Because!
:'''Both''': Because you're best friends!
:''[Lars watches them fuse into Stevonnie]''
:'''Stevonnie''': And best friends wouldn't do anything to hurt each other!

===''Jungle Moon''===
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[squealing in excitement]'' Whoa, cool! Yellow! ''[jumps up to her chair]'' Hey, Yellow.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Oh, you're still here.
:'''Stevonnie''': What are you doing?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm commanding the dropships to colonize this planet.
:'''Stevonnie''': I wanna command a dropship!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Well, when you have your ''own'' colony, you can command whatever you want.
:'''Stevonnie''': I want a colony! ''[Yellow Diamond presses buttons on the panel with four diamonds]'' I want one now! ''[screen unlocks revealing a dropship on the panel]'' What's this?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm contacting the leader of the fleet.
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[amazed]'' Let me do it! ''[starts pressing buttons on the screen but Yellow Diamond grabs her arm]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[angrily]'' DON'T TOUCH THAT!
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[irritated]'' Why ''not''? You have so many worlds and I don't even have ''one''! It's not fair! I want ONE! I want my own ''army''! I want my own ''planet''! I deserve it! I'm just as important as ''YOU''!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[angrily]'' Then why don't you act like it, Pink?!
:''[Stevonnie walks away, holding their arm, angry; approach a window and their fist clenches; Pink Diamond is seen through their reflection and the hand punches the glass smashing it; She suddenly wakes up from the dream, falling out of the hammock on the ground]''
:'''Stevonnie''': (''talking through Connie'') Whoa! ''[breathing hard]'' Steven, what was that? (''talking through Steven'') Diamonds. I'm having Diamond dreams again. But, why now? Why ''here''? ''[looks up and see a mural of Yellow Diamond]'' No way.

===''Your Mother and Mine''===
:'''Garnet''': Come on, everyone. Let me tell you the story of the ''real'' Rose Quartz. ''[Flashback story begins; narrating]'' It was Era 1. The Diamonds unique in their flawlessness, sought to expand their perfection across the galaxy. And it was for this purpose that Pink Diamond chose her first colony-- the planet Earth. On Earth, every Gem was made to serve Pink Diamond, each with a role to play in her world's perfect empire. In comparison to their creator, their existence was ordinary. They were life-forms only meant to fit their mold, and no one had ever dared to think otherwise. Until, there was Rose Quartz. In stature, she was no different than any other Quartz, and for a time, she did her best to carry out her Diamond's bidding. However, she began to take notice of her strange colony and the life that existed there. Curiosity turned to appreciation. Appreciation turned to fondness. And fondness… turned to love. Soon she was unable to keep her findings secret, and she began asking her fellow Gems if they knew of the life on Earth and what they made of it. She continued to pry her fellow Kindergartners with questions so odd, that word of her eventually made its way to Pink Diamond. Rose Quartz was summoned at once.
:'''Pink Diamond''': Quartz, what have you been saying down there?
:'''Rose''': My Diamond, it has come to my attention that your colony, Earth, bears life. While I know these organic life-forms serve no purpose, I ask that we leave this planet and spare their lives.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Pink Diamond thought for a moment, and then laughed, a wicked, empty sound.
:'''Pink Diamond''': ''[laughing]'' You wish to save these life-forms at the expense of our own? Ha! Don't be absurd. Return to your post, and I will forget your insolence.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' And with that, Rose Quartz was dragged back to her kindergarten for duty. ''[A gem drags Rose away and she continues working]'' Only Rose could no longer stand to continue aiding in the destruction of Earth. She had no choice. She had to fight.
:'''Rose''': ''[stops working and jumps into the air, changing her uniform into a dress before destroying an injector, stands on the broken injector and speaks to the other Quartzes]'' Is this what you want -- to inject, to build?! I've seen the life that exists for itself, and it lives here! Will you destroy it, or will you join it?
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Rose's message began to resonate to Pink Diamond's dismay. Her colony was falling apart. So, like a coward, she called for her Diamond allies, Yellow and Blue, to help. But Rose also found herself with allies, other Gems that were cast out for being wrong -- a Pearl who belonged to no one… a Bismuth who built weapons for rebels instead of towers for tyrants… An entirely new fusion, for not power, but for love… And countless others, all inspired by Rose to live for ourselves on Earth. She was our leader. And Earth was our precious home. And those who fought to save it became known as…the Crystal Gems!
:'''Rhodonite''': Unbelievable!
:'''Rutile Twins''': There were Gems like us?
:'''Padparadscha''': Fighting.
:'''Fluorite''': For… their… freedom?
:'''Garnet''': Yes, and we were fearless! ''[Flashback resumes; narrating]'' It was an impossible fight, but we fought anyway. And the more Gems who saw us, the more who joined. But Pink Diamond's forces proved too strong. Rose feared that soon she would have nothing left to protect. Rose Quartz drew her rebel blade… and shattered Pink Diamond, saving the Earth for all time from her reign of terror.
:'''Rutile Twins''': Wow! That's incredible! I don't believe it!
:'''Lars''': ''[to Steven]'' Your mom did all that? That's awesome!
:'''Rhodonite''': Wait. What about the rest? What happened after that?
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The other Diamonds were furious. In a last-ditch attempt to wipe out the Rebellion, the Diamonds launched a direct attack against Earth. And in their fury, they used their powers to end the fighting once and for all.
:'''Padparadscha''': I predict this story won't have a happy ending.
:'''Rutile Twins''': We were all told different stories. But they all ended the same way.
:'''Fluorite''': With Rose Quartz… being… defeated.
:'''Rhodonite''': This new version of the story is even worse! So, she was great, and they beat her? What are we supposed to get out of this -- that we can never win?!
:'''Garnet''': We haven't yet, but we can, and we will. They said they annihilated Rose's rebellion, but here ''we'' are. They said they annihilated all of you on Homeworld, but here ''you'' are! They think they have us on the run, but they're the ones that are running from the truth. And the truth is we... are... everywhere!
:'''Rhodonite''': But how many more of us can there be?
:'''Steven''': Way more than you think! I was only on Homeworld for, like, an hour before I ran in to you guys. There must be Off Colors all over the place.
:'''Garnet''': Rose used to say there was something about Earth -- something that set Gems free. But it's not just Earth. Look at you. Love, freedom -- it's universal. You all prove it every moment you live as yourselves. You can show everyone.
:'''Fluorite''': We… can do that?
:'''Lars''': Not while we're floating out here like sitting ducks.

===''The Big Show''===

===''Pool Hopping''===
:'''Garnet''': I think I get it.
:'''Steven''': Hm?
:'''Garnet''': Why my future vision has been so off. I have to change the way I think about you. 
:'''Steven''': What?
:'''Garnet''': I've been looking into probable futures where you act like a child. I keep expecting you to run from responsibility and to turn to me for help, but you don't do that anymore. Those futures aren't probable at all. There's nothing wrong with this timeline or my future vision. I just need to factor in that you've grown up.

===''Letters to Lars''===

===''Can't Go Back''===
:'''Blue Diamond''': But this is what you wanted.
:'''Steven''': ''[wakes up and gasps; turns to see Lapis is nowhere to be seen]'' Lapis? ''[turns forward to the silhouettes of Blue, Yellow, and Pink Diamond]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': You begged us for a colony of your own, and now all you want to do is be rid of it. First there were too many organics. Then their cities were too difficult to dismantle, and -- and now these Crystal Gems. We're tired of your excuses, Pink. We're tired of your excuses, Pink.
:'''Steven''': The Diamonds.
:'''Blue Diamonds''': This Rose Quartz can't hurt you. You can't be swayed by a few unruly Gems. ''[Holds her hand up as Pink Diamond is about to say something]'' Enough! You must understand, you are a Diamond. Everyone on this planet is looking to you. You don't even have to do anything. Just smile and wave. Show everyone you're unfazed by this little uprising. Your Gems will fall into line, and these Crystal Gems will be no more. As long as you are there to rule, this colony will be completed.

===''A Single Pale Rose''===
:'''Steven''': It better not turn out that her phone was in her pocket...or she left it on the dresser or dropped it in the toilet. Seems about as likely as putting it away in your repressed war memories.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Steven returns from Pearl's gem after learning the truth about how Rose Quartz &quot;shattered&quot; Pink Diamond]''
:'''Steven''': I know.  
:'''Pearl''': ''[tearing up]'' I wanted to tell you for ''so'' long.
:'''Steven''': Mom was Pink Diamond.
:''[Garnet and Amethyst stand in shock behind Steven]''
:'''Amethyst''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAAAAAAAAAT?!?'''&lt;/big&gt;

===''Now We're Only Falling Apart''===
:'''Amethyst''': Let me get this straight. Rose Quartz, leader of the Crystal Gems, Steven's mom, was actually Pink Diamond?!
:'''Steven''': She faked her own shattering, and reformed to be Rose all the time.
:'''Pearl''': Pink Diamond's final command to me was that no one could know, but now that Steven does, I can finally tell you all everything!
:'''Amethyst''': Phew! I mean, a pink lion, a pink sword, and now Pink Diamond?! Huh, if you told me Rose invented cotton candy, I'd believe it. Right, Garnet? Uh, Garnet?
:'''Garnet''': ''[shaking and gets up]'' Rose. She... she... ''[struggles to stay stable and defuses into Ruby and Sapphire]''
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire...
:'''Sapphire''': ''[betrayed and heartbroken with fury]'' '''SHE LIED TO US!''' She lied about EVERYTHING! She held our hands, looked us right in the eyes, and told us to never question who we are as Garnet. We never questioned ourselves, or her!
:'''Ruby''': We couldn't have known!
:'''Sapphire''': No, you couldn't have known. You never know what's going on. That's what I'm for!
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire...
:'''Sapphire''': But I never looked into her, I trusted her... I let her make fools of us all!
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire, wait!
:'''Steven''': Guys! ''[slips on the ice Sapphire had caused due to her stress]''
:'''Ruby''': Please...We can just stay calm and talk about this, right? Let's just, talk.
:'''Sapphire''': Talk about what? How our relationship is based on a lie? What else is there to say? ''[warps to Rose's Fountain]''
:'''Pearl''': Ruby, I am so sorry...
:'''Steven''': Come on, Pearl. Help me explain everything to Sapphire.
:'''Pearl''': Right.
:'''Steven''': Sit tight, Ruby. We'll go and get Sapphire.
:'''Ruby''': Okay. ''[starts crying]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sapphire''': ''[grieving]'' Everything we were running from, she was right there all along…using us for her little war…smiling at us with those knowing eyes… Making me believe in a better future that I couldn't see, because it wasn't real. And now here we are, our friends, shattered, and corrupted…of course she was a Diamond. What a long road she took to torture us all like this.
:'''Steven''': It wasn't like that. You know she didn't want anyone to get hurt.
:'''Sapphire''': I don't know that! I clearly don't know anything.
:'''Pearl''': You deserve to know everything. I was given to Pink Diamond a few thousand years before she was given the Earth. I was supposed to make her happy, I just never could.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': Is everything alright, my Diamond? You seem troubled.
:'''Rose''': All this life that's been growing wild here on Earth…none of it will survive my invasion. We're not creating life from nothing. We're ''taking'' life, and leaving nothing behind.
:'''Pearl''': Forgive me, my Diamond. I shouldn't have brought you to such a place.
:'''Rose''': No. I needed to see this.
:''[scene shifts back to the fountain]''
:'''Steven''': So she ''did'' want to protect Earth. She didn't realize what the colony was doing to the planet.
:'''Sapphire''': So what?! She suddenly started to care about Earth? Why did she have to rope us into all this? Why couldn't she just stop the colonization herself?
:'''Pearl''': She ''tried''. When she told the other Diamonds she didn't want to go through with the colony, they told her to finish what she started. When she told the other Diamonds she wanted to preserve life on Earth, they created the zoo and threw a handful of humans in. She did everything she could as Pink Diamond. But her status meant nothing to Blue and Yellow. So she decided to make a stand, as someone they couldn't ignore. She was going to scare every Gem off the planet. But everything changed when she saw…your fusion.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': Before Garnet, Rose was only fighting for Earth. But Garnet changed everything. Rose wanted to fight for her, she wanted to fight for Gems! And maybe she was foolish, and maybe even...selfish, but she was-
:'''Sapphire''': Following us.
:'''Pearl''': What?
:'''Sapphire''': This whole time, we thought we were following her, but she was following ''us''. How could she not after you swept her off her feet?

===''What's your Problem''===

===''The Question''===

===''Made of Honor''===
:'''Steven''': So, my Dad will finish playing the music, and then next you'll do the &quot;I do&quot;s. And then I'll say… &quot;I now pronounce you Garnet.&quot; And then you fuse! Everyone will cheer!
:'''Sapphire''': Everyone… who survived.
:'''Ruby''': Huh?
:'''Sapphire''': Oh, it's just… There's so many old friends who won't be able to come. All the Crystal Gems who were corrupted and bubbled in the basement.
:'''Ruby''': Maybe we could bring the bubbles up here?
:'''Sapphire''': No, no. It's not safe. We can't risk them getting out.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bismuth''': Hey everyone. Did you guys &quot;Bismi-th&quot; me?
:''[Pearl, Sapphire, Ruby and Amethyst drop their sodas simultaneously]''
:'''Peridot''': Ha! I win! Also, less importantly, who are you?
:'''Steven''': I… invited Bismuth! I hope that's cool.
:'''Sapphire''': ''[slowly walks up to her]'' Bismuth. ''[hugs her]''
:'''Bismuth''': Whoa, Sapphire!
:'''Pearl and Ruby''': Bismuth! ''[tackle her to the floor, and begin nuzzling her]''
:'''Sapphire''': You wouldn't believe what we've all been through. I'm so sorry! We should've-
:'''Bismuth''': Look, I'm right there with you, Steven filled me in.
:'''Peridot''': So, is anyone going to introduce me?
:'''Amethyst''': Let's give 'em some space.

===''Reunited''===
:'''Steven''': Dearly beloved Gems, humans, lions big and small, living gourds, Onion, we are gathered here today to celebrate Ruby and Sapphire, two of my favorite people, who combine into one of my ''other'' favorite people! You all probably know her as Garnet. She's their love, given form. Now it's your turn to talk about that.
:'''Ruby''': I know this is all kind of silly, I mean, we've been together for 5,750 years.
:'''Sapphire''': And 8 months.
:'''Ruby''': I used to feel like I wasn't much good, just one of me on my own. But when we're together, it feels like it's okay to just be me. So I wanna be me, with you, an-and, not even the Diamonds will come between us. And if they try, we'll beat em up!
:'''Sapphire''': Ruby, my future used to look like one single, obvious stream, unbending 'til the end of time. In an instant, you pulled me from that destiny and opened my eye to an explosion of infinite possible futures, streaking across space and time, altered and obliterated by the smallest force of will. ''[beat]'' What I mean is, you changed my life. And then, I changed your life. And now, we changed our lives.
:'''Steven''': Bismuth, the rings.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[gently bumps Bismuth]'' Hey Bismuth, that's your cue.
:''[Bismuth, touched and crying by the vows, approaches them with the rings]''
:'''Steven''': Ruby, do you take this Gem to have and to hold, on this and every other planet in the universe!?
:'''Ruby''': I DO!
:'''Steven''': And Sapphire, do you-
:'''Sapphire''': Yes.
:'''Steven''': ''[whispering]'' You didn't let me finish.
:'''Sapphire''': I'm just very excited.
:'''Steven''': Then by the power vested in me by the state of Delmarva, I now pronounce you… Garnet!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': What a wonderful idea. Humans found a way to make a moment's decision last forever. I won't need future vision to know I'll always remember this.
:'''Steven''': I'm so glad. ''[starts tearing up]''
:'''Garnet''': Oh no. I'm sorry. Don't cry.
:'''Steven''': ''[wipes off the tears]'' I guess seeing everyone together got me really choked up. ''[bigger tears begin flowing out of his eyes]'' Wait a second. You don't think…?
:'''Garnet''': ''[takes off her visor, opening her third eye]'' Blue Diamond!
:'''Steven''': She's here?!
:'''Garnet''': And she's not alone.
:''[The sky darkens quickly and everyone looks up to the sky, seeing Blue and Yellow Diamond's ships approaching]''
:'''Steven''': Oh, no. It's the Diamonds! ''[runs up to Nanefua]'' Nanefua, get on your Nane-phone! We've got a code blue ''and'' a code yellow!
:'''Garnet''':
:''[As the Diamond ships approach the beach, they fly overhead them]''
:'''Peridot''': WE'RE OVER HERE, YOU CLODS!
:'''Pearl''': Wha- where are they going?!
:'''Steven''': If they're not here for us, they must be here for the Cluster!
:'''Bismuth''': What's the Cluster?
:'''Steven''': It's a huge earth-destroying geo-weapon that the Diamonds made out of a bajillion gem shards!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': You cannot fathom how much I've mourned, what thousands of years of grief has done to me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': I know this sword. This is the sword that '''SHATTERED HER!''' ''[shatters the sword as Steven gasps, which made Connie fall down only to be caught by Lion]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Blue Diamond!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Who are you supposed to be?
:'''Garnet''': I am the will of two Gems to care for each other, to protect each other from any threat, no matter how vast or how cruel. You couldn't stop me 5,750 years ago, and you can't stop me now!
:'''Blue Diamond''': It's you, that Ruby and Sapphire that disrupted my court.
:'''Garnet''': This is supposed to be MY day!
:'''Blue Diamond''': You hope to defeat me by clinging to my feet?
:'''Garnet''': I just needed to keep you from taking three steps to the right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': Lapis Lazuli? Does every Gem that comes in contact with this planet turn traitor?!
:'''Lapis''': I've felt ''worse.''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': With all our strength together, we can take her down!
:'''Steven''': That's right! This is our home, our planet, our friends and family! We are the Crystal Gems!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Pathetic! You are &lt;big&gt;'''NOTHING!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Ha! I told her off, once. I can do it again. ''[jumps off Bismuth's hands and runs up to Yellow Diamond]'' Hey! Yellow Clod! '''''REMEMBER ME?!'''''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': No. ''[zaps and poofs Peridot to her gemstone]''
:'''Steven''': Stop! ''[jumps off Garnet's hands and runs up to the Diamonds]'' Don't do this! Listen to me, ''I'm'' the one you're missing! I'm Pink Diamond!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[shocked and angry]'' You! ''[charges towards Steven as he summons his shield]''
:'''Garnet''': Steven!
:''[Yellow Diamond stomps her foot on Steven in fury, knocking him out unconsciously]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lapis Lazuli''': What else have you got?! I've only just begun to fight! ''[gets zapped and poofed to her gemstone by Yellow Diamond]''
:'''Steven''': ''[shocked gasp]'' Lapis!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''How miserable. I knew Pink couldn't handle her own colony. But, I gave in. And now, I'm to blame for her fate.''
:'''Steven''': Ah, her thoughts are too strong!
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''What good will any of this do? The more I make these Gems suffer, the more I long to see you again, Pink.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': This feeling, I know it!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': It must be a trick! Show yourself, foe!
:'''Steven''': I'm not your foe. Please, just listen to me!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': There!
:'''Steven''': ''Please, the fighting has to stop. We aren't enemies. We're family. Please listen to me. I need you to know who I am!!!''
:'''Blue Diamond''': Impossible.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': This aura...
:'''Blue Diamond''': It's you! Pink!

===''Legs From Here to Homeworld''===
:'''Garnet''': We can't just hand Steven over to Blue Diamond, she's a shatterer!
:'''Bismuth''': She's not gonna hurt him, look at her. She really thinks he's one of them.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[sobbing loudly]'' Somebody make Blue Diamond stop!
:'''Connie''': Are you guys okay?
:'''Pearl''': It's just… ''[sniffles]'' Blue Diamond's power. She's obviously relieved that Pink Diamond wasn't shattered after all.
:''[Yellow Diamond tries to reactive her ship and Blue Diamond's, but are too damaged]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmm. How could you do this to us, Pink? Why did you let us think you were shattered? Why the strange disguise? Why are you doing a voice? Why didn't you say something at the trial?! And Blue, could you please stop crying? I can't see. ''[wipes her tears, splashing the Gems]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': Sorry. ''[sets Steven down]''
:'''Steven''': My mom kept it secret from everyone.
:'''Pearl''': Ahem.
:'''Steven''': Almost everyone.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What are you talking about?
:'''Steven''': Well, apparently, Mom… Oh, geez. You don't know what a mom is. Okay, Pink Diamond took the form of Rose Quartz permanently after faking her shattering. Then, Rose Quartz gave up ''that'' form to create a new life with my dad-- me. Rose passed her gemstone and some of her powers onto me, but that's all. I-I don't have any of Pink ''or'' Rose's memories. I'm sorry.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmm. I'm sure your memories are in there somewhere, Pink.
:'''Steven''': Actually, I go by &quot;Steven.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': We can only do so much, if it was the ''four'' of us.
:'''Blue Diamond''': Oh, no. We can't let ''her'' see this!
:'''Steven''': Who? Who do we need?!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What do you mean, &quot;who?&quot; White.
:'''Pearl''': ''[shocked]'' White Diamond?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While traveling to Homeworld]''
:'''Steven''': Should I have brought a gift for White Diamond? We ''are'' dropping in unexpectedly, and… I want to make a good first impression. Her help will mean everything for the Corrupted Gems.
:'''Pearl''': Steven...
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmph. &quot;Good impression&quot;? We'll be lucky if she ever ''speaks'' to us again after this.
:'''Steven''': But...
:'''Blue Diamond''': The thing is, White... can be... ''difficult''.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': When we show up in this ship, it will be irrefutable that the last 6,000 years are now the biggest galactic embarrassment that's ever happened. And ''we're'' the ones to blame. (''to Steven'') If you don't want to be in a bubble for the next few millennia, I suggest you let ''me'' do the talking.

===''Familiar''===
:'''Steven''': Pearl!
:'''Pearl''': Steven! ''[runs over to Steven and hugs him]'' Oh, thank the stars! You're okay! What did White Diamond do? Did she hurt you?
:'''Steven''': No, she was like, &quot;Welcome home.&quot; I don't think she understands that I'm not Pink Diamond. Where's Connie? And Garnet and Amethyst?
:'''Pearl''': They're still on the ship. ''[summons a hot dog bag]'' I'm only here because I'm bringing your things. And they consider me one of your things.
:'''Steven''': Yeesh.
:''[Diamond chime plays]''
:'''Pearl''': The Diamond chime -- it's Yellow.
:''[The door opens, revealing Yellow Pearl standing right there]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Diamond, my Diamond has requested your presence in the extraction chamber.
:'''Pearl''': Let's get you into a suit. ''[opens the bag]''
:''[Steven, wearing his yellow swimsuit, Pearl, and Yellow Pearl walk through a yellow hallway]''
:'''Steven''': Swim trunks don't seem very formal.
:'''Pearl''': Trust me, this will be more comfortable than jeans.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Diamond.
:'''Steven''': Please, call me Steven.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Steven.
:'''Steven''': No, just Steven.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Just Steven.
:'''Steven''': Call me... Lasagna.
:'''Pearl''': Steven, stop. You're going to break her. ''[opens the extraction chamber door]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Have a nice extraction, Pink Lasagna.
:''[Steven walks into the extraction chamber sauna]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Pink.
:'''Steven''': Hi, Yellow. Cool sauna.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': It's new. Have a seat. ''[Steven uses his floating powers to jump up and takes a seat]'' So, you met with White. How was it?
:'''Steven''': All I got to say was, &quot;Hi,&quot; and, &quot;um,&quot; and, &quot;I.&quot;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Two and a half words -- that's a record.
:'''Steven''': Two and a half words isn't enough. I still need to talk to White about healing all the corrupted Gems!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmm. Good luck. White never leaves her own head these days, and she never lets anyone in -- except you, I guess. It's so unfair. I have hundreds of successful crystal system colonies, but you get to see her because your one colony is a failure!
:'''Steven''': Maybe you should just… ''fail?''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[looks momentarily shocked, then starts laughing]'' Oh, Pink, you always did have quite a knack for making me laugh. You're almost worth the trouble.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Pearl''': ''[showing up]'' Pink Diamond, my Diamond was requested your presence.
:''[Steven, Pearl, and Blue Pearl walk down a blue hallway]''
:'''Steven''': We barely talked about White at all. She had to rush to do a report, and I couldn't go with her. I get they're, like, busy, 'cause they're dictators and everything, but I need more time! ''[gasps and face-palms]'' I should have asked her what she was doing after the Citron thing!
:'''Pearl''': She'll be at that for a while. Yellow Diamond oversees all aspects of Gem production on every single one of her colonies. And when she's not doing that, she's off with her army, conquering the next one.
:'''Steven''': What about their days off, weekends?
:'''Blue Pearl''': My Diamond is awaiting our arrival.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Pearl''': ''[turns to Pearl]'' Welcome back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': You're here! Come in.
:'''Steven''': Okay! ''[runs and jumps into the pool, laughing]'' Whoo-hoo! (''laughing'') It's funny! I -- I live right next to the ocean, but I end up going to space to swim.
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[laughs, causing the pool to shake a bit]'' You haven't changed. So silly. So small.
:'''Steven''': I'm not done growing. I'm not sure I can catch up to you and Yellow, though.
:'''Blue Diamond''': I'm so glad you're back... Steven.
:'''Steven''': Y-You actually said my name!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Steven. Steee-von? (''chuckles'') It's such a funny sounding name. You're so creative, Pink.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': (''sighs'') This is so weird. Was this some sort of spa day or something? And what about Pink? Did she have a job here, or did she just sit in a room while they were off doing whatever?
:'''Pearl''': Before her colony, Pink used to throw massive balls.
:'''Steven''': ''[surprised]'' She was a juggler?!
:'''Pearl''': No -- Well, yes. But she would also throw parties for the other Diamonds to mark their many accomplishments. Every member of every court would show up to bask in the presence of all four Diamonds.
:'''Steven''': Even White would come?
:'''Pearl''': Oh, yes! Huh. I wonder what's even become of Pink's court.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ♫ Oh, I'll get them all together in one place / And once we're all together face-to-face / I'll show them all the error of their ways / And stop their spread of terror across space! ♫

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I figured it out! Remember back when I was little and maybe kind of annoying, and I couldn't come along on adventures? You guys would still drop everything to hang out with me! That's Pink Diamond! I know I can do this! Just watch -- I'm gonna throw a huge ball, and I'm gonna invite everyone!

===''Together Alone''===
:'''Pearl''': The Pebbles have been working all night. What do you think?
:'''Steven''': It almost feels like home.
:'''Garnet''': Almost.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': A ball? We haven't had a ball in 6,000 years.
:'''Blue Diamond''': We haven't had Pink in 6,000 years!
:'''Steven''': Yeah! When White Diamond shows up we can tell her why we need her help on Earth!
:'''Blue Diamond''': And, this can also mark the beginning of Era 3.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You're right, it's brilliant.
:'''Steven''': Thank you, Yellow! Thank you, Blue!
:'''Blue Diamond''': If White is going to be there everything has to be perfect! Pink, can you manage this on your own? Our Pearls can help you get started.
:'''Blue Pearl''': At your service, Pink Diamond.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Make sure you go through all of our customs with Pink, since she has so much trouble recalling her past here on Homeworld.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Yes, My Diamond.
:'''Pearl''': Era 3! Steven, you're already changing the world!
:'''Steven''': Yeah! Come on, party Pearls!
:'''Yellow and Blue Pearl''': We are at your command, Pink Diamond.
:'''Steven''': Just call me Steven.
:'''Yellow and Blue Pearl''': Whatever you command, Pink Diamond.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': Balloons everywhere! Confetti cannons too!
:'''Amethyst''': Dibs on being the confetti cannon!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Cannons are ''forbidden'' inside palace walls. These &quot;balloons&quot; you're referring to, are unprecedented and therefore out of the question.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Diamond! Your subjects will do the dancing for you! Why would a Diamond want to dance?
:'''Steven''': Because dancing's fun!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': What is &quot;fun&quot;?
:'''Connie''': You know, it's when you do something you wanna do, just because it feels good.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': I don't think we do that here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': The Sapphire will need to enter with the other Sapphires of course, and the Ruby will need to enter with the guard.
:'''Steven''': Woah, woah, woah. Are you talking about Garnet?
:'''Blue Diamond''': Garnet? Does &quot;that&quot; call herself a Garnet? What would you have her do? Enter with the Demantoids, the Hessonites, the Pyropes? Pink, I'm being very generous, but you can't expect me to-
:'''Garnet''': I won't go.
:'''Steven''': Garnet?
:'''Blue Diamond''': At least the Sapphire in there has some sense.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Everyone, behold! The daunting, beauty and elegance that is, Yellow Diamond!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Not a bad turnout, Pink.
:'''Steven''': I appreciate your attendance, Yellow.
:'''Blue Pearl''': Ahem, everyone prepare yourselves emotionally for the overpowering elegance that is, Blue Diamond.
:'''Blue Diamond''': You're doing great.
:'''Steven''': Thank you, Blue.
:'''White Pearl''': To those in attendance of the Era 3 ball, White Diamond... has more important things to attend to.
:'''Steven''': WHAT?!
:'''White Pearl''': Therefore, I will be here to observe in her place. Welcome to Era 3.
:'''Steven''': Gra!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': (''through gritted teeth'') Pink, what are you doing?!
:'''Stevonnie''': I was just dancing! (''sees they have fused and everybody else looks in shock'')
:'''Blue Diamond''': Pink, this is completely unacceptable! Unfuse or I'll make you!
:''[Ruby and Sapphire fuse and become Garnet]''
:'''Garnet''': You'll have to go through me!
:'''Pearl''': (''gasp'') And me! (''Runs over to Amethyst and fuses into Opal'')
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah!
:''[two jades quickly fuse as well]''
:'''Lemon Jade''': And me! ''[Opal and Stevonnie look at Garnet, and she shrugs]'' I knew it! I knew I couldn't be the only one!
:''[Yellow Diamond strikes the Jade Fusion, Opal, and Garnet with her lightning powers, causing them all to poof]''
:'''Stevonnie''': Opal! Garnet!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Pink, you've gone too far even for you. ''[picks up Stevonnie and throws them into a dark room]'' Stay in here and think about what you've done!
:'''Stevonnie''': No, wait!
:''[Yellow Diamond closes the door, ends the episode]''

===''Escapism''===
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[singing]'' ♫ I guess I have to face, that in this awful place, I shouldn't show a trace... of doubt. / But pulled against the grain, I feel a little pain, that I would rather do... without. / I'd rather be free-ee-ee, free-ee-ee, free... / I'd rather be free-ee-ee, free-ee-ee, free... / Free-ee-ee, free-ee-ee, free... / from here. ♫

===''Change Your Mind''===
:'''Steven''': ''[wakes up and looks up at the prison tower window]'' Oh, right -- prison.
:''[Blue Diamond enters]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': I cannot believe you! Making a scene like that.
:''' Steven''': We weren't trying to make a scene! We were just... ''[turns to see that Connie is not present]'' dancing?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': I cannot believe you -- making a scene like that!
:'''Steven''': Whoa -- dejá blue.
:'''Connie''': We didn't mean any harm! I asked Steven to dance; he wasn't trying to cause trouble!
:'''Blue Diamond''': What do you know about this, human?
:'''Connie''': ''[chuckles]'' You think I've never been grounded before?
:'''Blue Diamond''': &quot;Grounded?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': This isn't normal. How many times did you lock her in here? How many times did you make her cry?!
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[defensive]'' I didn't, I... and I'm doing it again... aren't I?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What... are you doing?
:'''Steven''': I'm taking back my friends!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[closes her eyes as she looks up from Steven to readdress Blue; annoyed]'' What are you doing, Blue? Take Pink back to the tower.
:'''Blue Diamond''': She prefers to be called &quot;Steven.&quot;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[slams her hand so forcefully against her throne that it cracks, stands up and assumes an angered stance]'' What are you talking about?! You can't keep bending the rules for her, Blue! She has to set an example, and ''we'' have to set an example! If we bend the rules for her, we have to bend them for everyone!
:'''Connie''': Well, maybe you should!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Take them back to the tower, now!
:'''Blue Diamond''': I won't.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Then I'll do it myself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': When we thought Pink was shattered, when she abandoned us, I alone was there for you, and you would use your power against &lt;big&gt;'''ME?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You'd hurt a fellow Diamond?!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Didn't we hurt Pink?! She was suffering in silence for ages -- just like our Gems -- just like me! And I know ''you're'' suffering in silence, too!
:''[Yellow Diamond claps her fist and uses her lightning power on Blue, causing her to begin to destabilize and scream]''
:'''Steven''': Stop! ''[pulls out his shield and chucks it towards Yellow Diamond's hand, disrupting her concentration]'' You don't have to do this!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Yes, I do! This is what White Diamond expects of all of us. From a thin flake of mica to the deepest, hardest stone, we all must make sacrifices for the sake of our perfect empire.
:'''Steven''': Does ''this'' look perfect to you?! My dad says if every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn't have hot dogs.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': And that means... what?
:'''Steven''': It means if you try and make this empire perfect -- if you just wipe away everything you see as flawed -- you lose all the things that make you happy -- like hot dogs.
:'''Blue Diamond''': Or our Pink.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Uhh... ''[falls to the ground on her knees in an uncharacteristic emotional breakdown]'' Stop. Stop it, Blue. Stop using your power on me...!
:'''Blue Diamond''': I'm not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': Hey, White, I know I was in there with you for a second, but I barely got to talk to you at all. There are so many Gems that are hurting right now. Even Blue and Yellow are hurting. You should hear what they have to say. ''[to Blue and Yellow; whispers]'' This is it.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[struggling]'' We... W-we... We need to talk! About us. I've conquered so many worlds for the sake of the empire. I do everything you ask, and I do it all perfectly. But your very high standards put us all under a ''lot'' of pressure. A Gem could crack under so much pressure. We Diamonds may be hard, but we're also brittle.
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[steps forward]'' White, we used to be close. Don't you remember? When Pink would make us laugh -- all those silly things she did for no reason. There was a reason. She wanted us to be happy together. But we weren't, and we're still not. I know my purpose isn't to be happy, but I find it harder and harder to enforce your rules when they make me miserable. When they make us all miserable.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rainbow Quartz 2.0''': Well, what do you know? It's Rainbow 2.0! Now, this is a fine mess we're in. (''gasps'') That won't do. (''blows raspberry'') Rainbow Quartz powers, activate! Ah, yes. Now that's two stones, with one bird.
:''[Steven and new reformed Pearl unfuse]''
:'''Amethyst''': Wow! Nice form, Pearl.
:'''Pearl''': Oh, ''[chuckles]'' thank you. I'm particularly excited about the jacket. Aah! Steven! We fused!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sunstone''': Awwwwwwwwwww yeah! You better step off! Chillax, my dudes. Your rockin' pal Sunstone is holdin' it down.
:'''Pearl''': Wow!
:'''Amethyst''': Holy...
:'''Connie''': All right!
:'''Peridot''': Unbelievable!
:'''Sunstone''': Oh, you better believe it.
:'''Peridot''': Okay!
:'''Connie''': Sunstone, what are we gonna do? White Diamond's never going to listen, and she's never going to let us leave.
:'''Sunstone''': If she won't listen, we'll ''make'' her listen.
:'''Amethyst''': And ''how'' are we gonna do that?
:'''Sunstone''': I know she's in there. We'll bust into her head and change her mind.
:'''Everyone''': Right!
:'''Sunstone''': Let's take that bully down! ''[to the viewers]'' But remember kids: if you ever have to deal with a bully, be sure to tell an adult. ''[yanks Pearl and Amethyst onto their shoulders and sprints towards the giant pink foot of the ship]'' Ally-oop! ''[summons her suction cups]'' Kids, don't try this at home. Ha! Bungacowa!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': We need to be bigger.
:'''Steven''': Then let's fuse. All four of us. It's the only way we're gonna get up to her head.
:'''Amethyst''': I'm in!
:'''Pearl''': I'm in, too.
:'''Garnet''': Then it's decided. It's time to form Obsidian.
:''[Connie, Bismuth, Peridot, and Lapis back away to give some space for Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, and Steven to perform their fusion dance; Obsidian is formed by letting out a big loud cry for battle]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[amazed]'' They're HU-U-U-U-GE!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': You're wrong! I'm not my mom!
:'''White Diamond''': But don't you know things about her that you couldn't possibly know?
:'''Steven''': I-I've just been connecting with her. My powers, they-they help me to connect to others. I'm not her. I'm just feeling her feelings.
:'''White Diamond''': Isn't it obvious? Even though you've embedded yourself in that human child, your light can't help shining through!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connie''': Don't listen to her Steven! She's just trying to mess with you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''White Diamond''': What is this?! Where is Pink?
:'''Pink Steven''': She's gone.
:'''White Diamond''': What did you say? Answer me!
:'''Pink Steven''': ''[shouting]'' She's &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''GO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-NE!!!!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''White Diamond''': Agh! Don't you raise your shield at me! I only want you to be yourself! If you can't do that, I'll do it &lt;big&gt;FOR YOU!!!&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connie''': Steven! ''[rushes to Steven and hugs him]'' Are you back together? Are you you?
:'''Steven''': Yeah. Yeah! I’m me! I’ve always been me.
:'''White Diamond''': ''NO!'' You are Pink Diamond! That is Pink Diamond's gem! You do not look like this! You do not sound like this! You are not half-human! You're just... acting like a child!
:'''Steven''': I ''am'' a child. What's your excuse?
:'''White Diamond''': ''[starts blushing, and notices the Gems under her control doing the same]'' What's happening? What is this? What's wrong with them? They're turning... pink! I don't understand, I'm in control, I-- ''[gasps]'' Something's wrong! With ME! No!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''White Diamond''': What is this? I feel... ridiculous. Yellow, Blue...
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[gasps]'' She's off-color...
:'''White Diamond''': This can't be happening. I can't have a flaw, I'm supposed to be flawless! If I'm not perfect then... who am I? If you're not Pink, then... who are you? Who is ''anyone?''
:'''Steven''': You know, if you just let everyone be whoever they are, maybe you could let yourself be whoever you are too.
:'''White Diamond''': But I'm not supposed to be like this! I'm supposed to know better, I'm supposed to ''be'' better, I'm supposed to make ''everything'' better!
:'''Steven''': You can. But first, you're gonna have to leave your own head.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Padparadscha''': I predict our long journey through space will soon be over.
:'''Lars''': Welcome home, guys.
:'''Rhodonite''': We finally made it! Earth! No more running, no more hiding! No more Diamond Authority! ''[they notice the Diamonds, who have heard everything]'' Well, we're cracked.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sadie''': Lars... Look at you! You're... you're a space pirate!
:'''Lars''': Look at you! You're a rock star!
:'''Sadie''': ''[Laughs] Well... ''[Laughs]''
:''[They both laugh in unison]''
:'''Lars''': I think it suits us!
:'''Sadie''': Yeah. Me, too!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[singing]'' ♫ I don’t need you to respect me, I respect me. / I don’t need you to love me, I love me. / But I want you to know you could know me, / If you change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind, / If you change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind, / If you change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind, / Change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind. ♫

[[Category:Steven Universe seasons]]</text>
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    <revision>
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      <comment>/* Your Mother and Mine */</comment>
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]]
----
{{italic title}}
The following is a list of quotes from the fifth season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''.

===''Stuck Together''===
:'''Aquamarine''': Say, Rose, how do I look?
:'''Steven''': Awful, small and mean!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Topaz''': What was I thinking?
:'''Aquamarine''': That's the problem with you fusions. Sooner or later, you will become ''sentimental.'' ''[the ship rumbles, coming to a stop and a notification pops up]'' We're here. Look, just… unfuse, and we'll never speak of this again.

===''The Trial''===
:'''Steven''': ''[speaking to himself]'' I know my mom did something really bad. Whatever Homeworld has in store for me… I'M READY!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prosecuting Zircon''': Defending a rebel? Isn't that… ''treason?'' ''[chuckles]''
:'''Defense Zircon''': I was ''assigned'' to this!
:''[Blue and Yellow Pearl warp in]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': All rise for the luminous Yellow Diamond! ''[poses]''
:'''Blue Pearl''': And the lustrous Blue Diamond. ''[bows]''
:''[Blue and Yellow Diamond warp in behind them, staring down at Steven]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[looking around]'' Where is the accused?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[looks down at Steven]'' Is that Rose Quartz? Look at this ''hideous'' she's taken. Forget the trial, we should shatter just for looking like that.
:'''Blue Diamond''': No. I want to hear her make her case. I want to know what she thinks we're going to do with her. Because  I want to do something ''worse''.
:''[Steven gulps nervously]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[warps in their throne chairs]'' Fine. Let's just get on with it, shall we?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I did it!
:'''Defense Zircon''': Wha… What, what?! Stop!
:'''Blue Diamond''': No! I want to hear what she has to say.
:''[Steven is elevated up to the Diamonds' height]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': State your name for the record, please.
:'''Steven''': I, um… I am Rose Quartz… and I'm guilty.
:'''Defense Zircon''': Wait! No, don't say that!
:'''Steven''': Everything you guys I did, I did. And I did it by myself. I'm sorry. I'll accept any punishment you want to give me. ''[points down to Lars]'' Just let him go! And leave the Earth alone.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Ha! Sounds like a solid confession to me.
:'''Blue Diamond''': How? How did you do it? How did you shatter Pink Diamond?
:'''Steven''': ''[nervously]'' Um, well…I did it on Earth in front of Pink Diamond's palanquin. I was probably like &quot;Stop!&quot; And she was all like, &quot;No!&quot; So we fought -- I think. And she probably did some cool moves. I probably did some cool stuff, too, some jump-kicks and stuff. But I was most likely deeply conflicted about deciding to shatter her. Definitely crying. I probably had to use the Breaking Point to do it.
:'''Blue Diamond''': It was a ''sword!'' ''[covers her eyes, crying and a blue light fills the room, making everyone except Lars tear up]'' You… shattered her… with a sword! ''[starts sobbing]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[walks up and comforts Blue]'' That's quite enough testimony from you! We shall take a short recess.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Defense Zircon''': What are you saying in there?! &quot;Maybe&quot; this, &quot;probably&quot; that! Oh, what do you mean, ''probably''?!
:'''Steven''': Look I just... I don't actually know how it happened, okay?
:'''Defense Zircon''': You don't ''know''?!
:'''Steven''': I...
:'''Defense Zircon''': ''[grabs Steven by the shirt collar and picks him up]'' Don't tumble my rocks! Both our gems are on the line! Did you do this or not?!
:'''Steven''': It was me, alright! ''[Defense Zircon let's go of his shirt and drops him]'' Rose Quartz did it, and I've got her gem, so I'm the one who's got to pay for this.
:'''Defense Zircon''': You don't know how it happened. ''[Steven shakes his head]'' I get it. There's a reason they want you to explain how you did it.
:'''Steven''': Huh?
:'''Defense Zircon''': It's because it doesn't make sense!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You think you can get away, Rose? You stood your ground on that little speck called Earth. But you're on ''our'' world now.

===''Off Colors''===
:'''Padparadscha''': Oh my gosh, something incredible is going to happen to Lars!

===''Lars' Head''===
:'''Steven''': But it doesn't feel right to just leave you here.
:'''Lars''': You said yourself that everyone on this planet is out to get you. You won't be safe until you're back on Earth.
:'''Steven''': But, Lars--
:'''Lars''': Don't argue with me! You're always trying to help me. You brought me back to life. Just let me be somebody who deserved it.

===''Dewey Wins''===

===''Gemcation''===

===''Raising the Barn''===

===''Back to the Kindergarten''===
:'''Peridot''': This used to make sense to me. I thought life was generated in a kindergarten. Formless, aimless energy channeled into new, useful gems. But life doesn't start in a kindergarten. It ends here. I've gotten used to plants everywhere. Bugs and breeze and sunshine...all of that has been sucked out of this place. 

===''Sadie Killer''===

===''Kevin Party''===

===''Lars of the Stars''===
:'''Emerald''': ''[on screen]'' It's over! I've got you now you miserable off-colors!
:'''Lars''': You'll ''never'' take us alive, Emerald!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lars''': You don't get it, do you, Steven? ''[starts tearing up and sniffles]'' It should be me. ''[starts crying]'' ''I'm'' the one that should be hanging out with the Cool Kids! She's getting back at me for everything I've done!
:'''Connie''': Do you really think Sadie is living her life ''just'' to get back at you?
:'''Lars''': Why else would she be having so much fun without me?!
:'''Steven''': Because life goes on, no matter what happens. She was so upset when she found out you'd be stuck in space, Lars. She really misses you, but, she can't stay sad forever. She started hanging out with the Cool Kids. She quit the Big Donut, all because she needed to do ''something'' to feel better.
:'''Connie''': And look at you! Steven said you'd be hiding in some cave on Homeworld, but you're not! You're out here fighting for freedom with all your new friends in tow! Are ''you'' doing any of this to hurt Sadie?
:'''Lars''': No! I'm doing this because I have to. ''[tears up]'' I'd never do this to hurt Sadie because-
:'''Steven''': Because!
:'''Connie''': Because!
:'''Both''': Because you're best friends!
:''[Lars watches them fuse into Stevonnie]''
:'''Stevonnie''': And best friends wouldn't do anything to hurt each other!

===''Jungle Moon''===
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[squealing in excitement]'' Whoa, cool! Yellow! ''[jumps up to her chair]'' Hey, Yellow.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Oh, you're still here.
:'''Stevonnie''': What are you doing?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm commanding the dropships to colonize this planet.
:'''Stevonnie''': I wanna command a dropship!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Well, when you have your ''own'' colony, you can command whatever you want.
:'''Stevonnie''': I want a colony! ''[Yellow Diamond presses buttons on the panel with four diamonds]'' I want one now! ''[screen unlocks revealing a dropship on the panel]'' What's this?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm contacting the leader of the fleet.
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[amazed]'' Let me do it! ''[starts pressing buttons on the screen but Yellow Diamond grabs her arm]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[angrily]'' DON'T TOUCH THAT!
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[irritated]'' Why ''not''? You have so many worlds and I don't even have ''one''! It's not fair! I want ONE! I want my own ''army''! I want my own ''planet''! I deserve it! I'm just as important as ''YOU''!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[angrily]'' Then why don't you act like it, Pink?!
:''[Stevonnie walks away, holding their arm, angry; approach a window and their fist clenches; Pink Diamond is seen through their reflection and the hand punches the glass smashing it; She suddenly wakes up from the dream, falling out of the hammock on the ground]''
:'''Stevonnie''': (''talking through Connie'') Whoa! ''[breathing hard]'' Steven, what was that? (''talking through Steven'') Diamonds. I'm having Diamond dreams again. But, why now? Why ''here''? ''[looks up and see a mural of Yellow Diamond]'' No way.

===''Your Mother and Mine''===
:'''Garnet''': Come on, everyone. Let me tell you the story of the ''real'' Rose Quartz. ''[Flashback story begins; narrating]'' It was Era 1. The Diamonds, unique in their flawlessness, sought to expand their perfection across the galaxy. And it was for this purpose that Pink Diamond chose her first colony-- the planet Earth. On Earth, every Gem was made to serve Pink Diamond, each with a role to play in her world's perfect empire. In comparison to their creator, their existence was ordinary. They were life-forms only meant to fit their mold, and no one had ever dared to think otherwise. Until, there was Rose Quartz. In stature, she was no different than any other Quartz, and for a time, she did her best to carry out her Diamond's bidding. However, she began to take notice of her strange colony and the life that existed there. Curiosity turned to appreciation. Appreciation turned to fondness. And fondness… turned to love. Soon she was unable to keep her findings secret, and she began asking her fellow Gems if they knew of the life on Earth and what they made of it. She continued to pry her fellow Kindergartners with questions so odd, that word of her eventually made its way to Pink Diamond. Rose Quartz was summoned at once.
:'''Pink Diamond''': Quartz, what have you been saying down there?
:'''Rose''': My Diamond, it has come to my attention that your colony, Earth, bears life. While I know these organic life-forms serve no purpose, I ask that we leave this planet and spare their lives.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Pink Diamond thought for a moment, and then laughed, a wicked, empty sound.
:'''Pink Diamond''': ''[laughing]'' You wish to save these life-forms at the expense of our own? Ha! Don't be absurd. Return to your post, and I will forget your insolence.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' And with that, Rose Quartz was dragged back to her kindergarten for duty. ''[A gem drags Rose away and she continues working]'' Only Rose could no longer stand to continue aiding in the destruction of Earth. She had no choice. She had to fight.
:'''Rose''': ''[stops working and jumps into the air, changing her uniform into a dress before destroying an injector, stands on the broken injector and speaks to the other Quartzes]'' Is this what you want -- to inject, to build?! I've seen the life that exists for itself, and it lives here! Will you destroy it, or will you join it?
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Rose's message began to resonate to Pink Diamond's dismay. Her colony was falling apart. So, like a coward, she called for her Diamond allies, Yellow and Blue, to help. But Rose also found herself with allies, other Gems that were cast out for being wrong -- a Pearl who belonged to no one… a Bismuth who built weapons for rebels instead of towers for tyrants… An entirely new fusion, for not power, but for love… And countless others, all inspired by Rose to live for ourselves on Earth. She was our leader. And Earth was our precious home. And those who fought to save it became known as…the Crystal Gems!
:'''Rhodonite''': Unbelievable!
:'''Rutile Twins''': There were Gems like us?
:'''Padparadscha''': Fighting.
:'''Fluorite''': For… their… freedom?
:'''Garnet''': Yes, and we were fearless! ''[Flashback resumes; narrating]'' It was an impossible fight, but we fought anyway. And the more Gems who saw us, the more who joined. But Pink Diamond's forces proved too strong. Rose feared that soon she would have nothing left to protect. Rose Quartz drew her rebel blade… and shattered Pink Diamond, saving the Earth for all time from her reign of terror.
:'''Rutile Twins''': Wow! That's incredible! I don't believe it!
:'''Lars''': ''[to Steven]'' Your mom did all that? That's awesome!
:'''Rhodonite''': Wait. What about the rest? What happened after that?
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The other Diamonds were furious. In a last-ditch attempt to wipe out the Rebellion, the Diamonds launched a direct attack against Earth. And in their fury, they used their powers to end the fighting once and for all.
:'''Padparadscha''': I predict this story won't have a happy ending.
:'''Rutile Twins''': We were all told different stories. But they all ended the same way.
:'''Fluorite''': With Rose Quartz… being… defeated.
:'''Rhodonite''': This new version of the story is even worse! So, she was great, and they beat her? What are we supposed to get out of this -- that we can never win?!
:'''Garnet''': We haven't yet, but we can, and we will. They said they annihilated Rose's rebellion, but here ''we'' are. They said they annihilated all of you on Homeworld, but here ''you'' are! They think they have us on the run, but they're the ones that are running from the truth. And the truth is we... are... everywhere!
:'''Rhodonite''': But how many more of us can there be?
:'''Steven''': Way more than you think! I was only on Homeworld for, like, an hour before I ran in to you guys. There must be Off Colors all over the place.
:'''Garnet''': Rose used to say there was something about Earth -- something that set Gems free. But it's not just Earth. Look at you. Love, freedom -- it's universal. You all prove it every moment you live as yourselves. You can show everyone.
:'''Fluorite''': We… can do that?
:'''Lars''': Not while we're floating out here like sitting ducks.

===''The Big Show''===

===''Pool Hopping''===
:'''Garnet''': I think I get it.
:'''Steven''': Hm?
:'''Garnet''': Why my future vision has been so off. I have to change the way I think about you. 
:'''Steven''': What?
:'''Garnet''': I've been looking into probable futures where you act like a child. I keep expecting you to run from responsibility and to turn to me for help, but you don't do that anymore. Those futures aren't probable at all. There's nothing wrong with this timeline or my future vision. I just need to factor in that you've grown up.

===''Letters to Lars''===

===''Can't Go Back''===
:'''Blue Diamond''': But this is what you wanted.
:'''Steven''': ''[wakes up and gasps; turns to see Lapis is nowhere to be seen]'' Lapis? ''[turns forward to the silhouettes of Blue, Yellow, and Pink Diamond]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': You begged us for a colony of your own, and now all you want to do is be rid of it. First there were too many organics. Then their cities were too difficult to dismantle, and -- and now these Crystal Gems. We're tired of your excuses, Pink. We're tired of your excuses, Pink.
:'''Steven''': The Diamonds.
:'''Blue Diamonds''': This Rose Quartz can't hurt you. You can't be swayed by a few unruly Gems. ''[Holds her hand up as Pink Diamond is about to say something]'' Enough! You must understand, you are a Diamond. Everyone on this planet is looking to you. You don't even have to do anything. Just smile and wave. Show everyone you're unfazed by this little uprising. Your Gems will fall into line, and these Crystal Gems will be no more. As long as you are there to rule, this colony will be completed.

===''A Single Pale Rose''===
:'''Steven''': It better not turn out that her phone was in her pocket...or she left it on the dresser or dropped it in the toilet. Seems about as likely as putting it away in your repressed war memories.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Steven returns from Pearl's gem after learning the truth about how Rose Quartz &quot;shattered&quot; Pink Diamond]''
:'''Steven''': I know.  
:'''Pearl''': ''[tearing up]'' I wanted to tell you for ''so'' long.
:'''Steven''': Mom was Pink Diamond.
:''[Garnet and Amethyst stand in shock behind Steven]''
:'''Amethyst''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAAAAAAAAAT?!?'''&lt;/big&gt;

===''Now We're Only Falling Apart''===
:'''Amethyst''': Let me get this straight. Rose Quartz, leader of the Crystal Gems, Steven's mom, was actually Pink Diamond?!
:'''Steven''': She faked her own shattering, and reformed to be Rose all the time.
:'''Pearl''': Pink Diamond's final command to me was that no one could know, but now that Steven does, I can finally tell you all everything!
:'''Amethyst''': Phew! I mean, a pink lion, a pink sword, and now Pink Diamond?! Huh, if you told me Rose invented cotton candy, I'd believe it. Right, Garnet? Uh, Garnet?
:'''Garnet''': ''[shaking and gets up]'' Rose. She... she... ''[struggles to stay stable and defuses into Ruby and Sapphire]''
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire...
:'''Sapphire''': ''[betrayed and heartbroken with fury]'' '''SHE LIED TO US!''' She lied about EVERYTHING! She held our hands, looked us right in the eyes, and told us to never question who we are as Garnet. We never questioned ourselves, or her!
:'''Ruby''': We couldn't have known!
:'''Sapphire''': No, you couldn't have known. You never know what's going on. That's what I'm for!
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire...
:'''Sapphire''': But I never looked into her, I trusted her... I let her make fools of us all!
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire, wait!
:'''Steven''': Guys! ''[slips on the ice Sapphire had caused due to her stress]''
:'''Ruby''': Please...We can just stay calm and talk about this, right? Let's just, talk.
:'''Sapphire''': Talk about what? How our relationship is based on a lie? What else is there to say? ''[warps to Rose's Fountain]''
:'''Pearl''': Ruby, I am so sorry...
:'''Steven''': Come on, Pearl. Help me explain everything to Sapphire.
:'''Pearl''': Right.
:'''Steven''': Sit tight, Ruby. We'll go and get Sapphire.
:'''Ruby''': Okay. ''[starts crying]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sapphire''': ''[grieving]'' Everything we were running from, she was right there all along…using us for her little war…smiling at us with those knowing eyes… Making me believe in a better future that I couldn't see, because it wasn't real. And now here we are, our friends, shattered, and corrupted…of course she was a Diamond. What a long road she took to torture us all like this.
:'''Steven''': It wasn't like that. You know she didn't want anyone to get hurt.
:'''Sapphire''': I don't know that! I clearly don't know anything.
:'''Pearl''': You deserve to know everything. I was given to Pink Diamond a few thousand years before she was given the Earth. I was supposed to make her happy, I just never could.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': Is everything alright, my Diamond? You seem troubled.
:'''Rose''': All this life that's been growing wild here on Earth…none of it will survive my invasion. We're not creating life from nothing. We're ''taking'' life, and leaving nothing behind.
:'''Pearl''': Forgive me, my Diamond. I shouldn't have brought you to such a place.
:'''Rose''': No. I needed to see this.
:''[scene shifts back to the fountain]''
:'''Steven''': So she ''did'' want to protect Earth. She didn't realize what the colony was doing to the planet.
:'''Sapphire''': So what?! She suddenly started to care about Earth? Why did she have to rope us into all this? Why couldn't she just stop the colonization herself?
:'''Pearl''': She ''tried''. When she told the other Diamonds she didn't want to go through with the colony, they told her to finish what she started. When she told the other Diamonds she wanted to preserve life on Earth, they created the zoo and threw a handful of humans in. She did everything she could as Pink Diamond. But her status meant nothing to Blue and Yellow. So she decided to make a stand, as someone they couldn't ignore. She was going to scare every Gem off the planet. But everything changed when she saw…your fusion.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': Before Garnet, Rose was only fighting for Earth. But Garnet changed everything. Rose wanted to fight for her, she wanted to fight for Gems! And maybe she was foolish, and maybe even...selfish, but she was-
:'''Sapphire''': Following us.
:'''Pearl''': What?
:'''Sapphire''': This whole time, we thought we were following her, but she was following ''us''. How could she not after you swept her off her feet?

===''What's your Problem''===

===''The Question''===

===''Made of Honor''===
:'''Steven''': So, my Dad will finish playing the music, and then next you'll do the &quot;I do&quot;s. And then I'll say… &quot;I now pronounce you Garnet.&quot; And then you fuse! Everyone will cheer!
:'''Sapphire''': Everyone… who survived.
:'''Ruby''': Huh?
:'''Sapphire''': Oh, it's just… There's so many old friends who won't be able to come. All the Crystal Gems who were corrupted and bubbled in the basement.
:'''Ruby''': Maybe we could bring the bubbles up here?
:'''Sapphire''': No, no. It's not safe. We can't risk them getting out.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bismuth''': Hey everyone. Did you guys &quot;Bismi-th&quot; me?
:''[Pearl, Sapphire, Ruby and Amethyst drop their sodas simultaneously]''
:'''Peridot''': Ha! I win! Also, less importantly, who are you?
:'''Steven''': I… invited Bismuth! I hope that's cool.
:'''Sapphire''': ''[slowly walks up to her]'' Bismuth. ''[hugs her]''
:'''Bismuth''': Whoa, Sapphire!
:'''Pearl and Ruby''': Bismuth! ''[tackle her to the floor, and begin nuzzling her]''
:'''Sapphire''': You wouldn't believe what we've all been through. I'm so sorry! We should've-
:'''Bismuth''': Look, I'm right there with you, Steven filled me in.
:'''Peridot''': So, is anyone going to introduce me?
:'''Amethyst''': Let's give 'em some space.

===''Reunited''===
:'''Steven''': Dearly beloved Gems, humans, lions big and small, living gourds, Onion, we are gathered here today to celebrate Ruby and Sapphire, two of my favorite people, who combine into one of my ''other'' favorite people! You all probably know her as Garnet. She's their love, given form. Now it's your turn to talk about that.
:'''Ruby''': I know this is all kind of silly, I mean, we've been together for 5,750 years.
:'''Sapphire''': And 8 months.
:'''Ruby''': I used to feel like I wasn't much good, just one of me on my own. But when we're together, it feels like it's okay to just be me. So I wanna be me, with you, an-and, not even the Diamonds will come between us. And if they try, we'll beat em up!
:'''Sapphire''': Ruby, my future used to look like one single, obvious stream, unbending 'til the end of time. In an instant, you pulled me from that destiny and opened my eye to an explosion of infinite possible futures, streaking across space and time, altered and obliterated by the smallest force of will. ''[beat]'' What I mean is, you changed my life. And then, I changed your life. And now, we changed our lives.
:'''Steven''': Bismuth, the rings.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[gently bumps Bismuth]'' Hey Bismuth, that's your cue.
:''[Bismuth, touched and crying by the vows, approaches them with the rings]''
:'''Steven''': Ruby, do you take this Gem to have and to hold, on this and every other planet in the universe!?
:'''Ruby''': I DO!
:'''Steven''': And Sapphire, do you-
:'''Sapphire''': Yes.
:'''Steven''': ''[whispering]'' You didn't let me finish.
:'''Sapphire''': I'm just very excited.
:'''Steven''': Then by the power vested in me by the state of Delmarva, I now pronounce you… Garnet!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': What a wonderful idea. Humans found a way to make a moment's decision last forever. I won't need future vision to know I'll always remember this.
:'''Steven''': I'm so glad. ''[starts tearing up]''
:'''Garnet''': Oh no. I'm sorry. Don't cry.
:'''Steven''': ''[wipes off the tears]'' I guess seeing everyone together got me really choked up. ''[bigger tears begin flowing out of his eyes]'' Wait a second. You don't think…?
:'''Garnet''': ''[takes off her visor, opening her third eye]'' Blue Diamond!
:'''Steven''': She's here?!
:'''Garnet''': And she's not alone.
:''[The sky darkens quickly and everyone looks up to the sky, seeing Blue and Yellow Diamond's ships approaching]''
:'''Steven''': Oh, no. It's the Diamonds! ''[runs up to Nanefua]'' Nanefua, get on your Nane-phone! We've got a code blue ''and'' a code yellow!
:'''Garnet''':
:''[As the Diamond ships approach the beach, they fly overhead them]''
:'''Peridot''': WE'RE OVER HERE, YOU CLODS!
:'''Pearl''': Wha- where are they going?!
:'''Steven''': If they're not here for us, they must be here for the Cluster!
:'''Bismuth''': What's the Cluster?
:'''Steven''': It's a huge earth-destroying geo-weapon that the Diamonds made out of a bajillion gem shards!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': You cannot fathom how much I've mourned, what thousands of years of grief has done to me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': I know this sword. This is the sword that '''SHATTERED HER!''' ''[shatters the sword as Steven gasps, which made Connie fall down only to be caught by Lion]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Blue Diamond!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Who are you supposed to be?
:'''Garnet''': I am the will of two Gems to care for each other, to protect each other from any threat, no matter how vast or how cruel. You couldn't stop me 5,750 years ago, and you can't stop me now!
:'''Blue Diamond''': It's you, that Ruby and Sapphire that disrupted my court.
:'''Garnet''': This is supposed to be MY day!
:'''Blue Diamond''': You hope to defeat me by clinging to my feet?
:'''Garnet''': I just needed to keep you from taking three steps to the right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': Lapis Lazuli? Does every Gem that comes in contact with this planet turn traitor?!
:'''Lapis''': I've felt ''worse.''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': With all our strength together, we can take her down!
:'''Steven''': That's right! This is our home, our planet, our friends and family! We are the Crystal Gems!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Pathetic! You are &lt;big&gt;'''NOTHING!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Ha! I told her off, once. I can do it again. ''[jumps off Bismuth's hands and runs up to Yellow Diamond]'' Hey! Yellow Clod! '''''REMEMBER ME?!'''''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': No. ''[zaps and poofs Peridot to her gemstone]''
:'''Steven''': Stop! ''[jumps off Garnet's hands and runs up to the Diamonds]'' Don't do this! Listen to me, ''I'm'' the one you're missing! I'm Pink Diamond!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[shocked and angry]'' You! ''[charges towards Steven as he summons his shield]''
:'''Garnet''': Steven!
:''[Yellow Diamond stomps her foot on Steven in fury, knocking him out unconsciously]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lapis Lazuli''': What else have you got?! I've only just begun to fight! ''[gets zapped and poofed to her gemstone by Yellow Diamond]''
:'''Steven''': ''[shocked gasp]'' Lapis!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''How miserable. I knew Pink couldn't handle her own colony. But, I gave in. And now, I'm to blame for her fate.''
:'''Steven''': Ah, her thoughts are too strong!
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''What good will any of this do? The more I make these Gems suffer, the more I long to see you again, Pink.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': This feeling, I know it!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': It must be a trick! Show yourself, foe!
:'''Steven''': I'm not your foe. Please, just listen to me!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': There!
:'''Steven''': ''Please, the fighting has to stop. We aren't enemies. We're family. Please listen to me. I need you to know who I am!!!''
:'''Blue Diamond''': Impossible.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': This aura...
:'''Blue Diamond''': It's you! Pink!

===''Legs From Here to Homeworld''===
:'''Garnet''': We can't just hand Steven over to Blue Diamond, she's a shatterer!
:'''Bismuth''': She's not gonna hurt him, look at her. She really thinks he's one of them.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[sobbing loudly]'' Somebody make Blue Diamond stop!
:'''Connie''': Are you guys okay?
:'''Pearl''': It's just… ''[sniffles]'' Blue Diamond's power. She's obviously relieved that Pink Diamond wasn't shattered after all.
:''[Yellow Diamond tries to reactive her ship and Blue Diamond's, but are too damaged]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmm. How could you do this to us, Pink? Why did you let us think you were shattered? Why the strange disguise? Why are you doing a voice? Why didn't you say something at the trial?! And Blue, could you please stop crying? I can't see. ''[wipes her tears, splashing the Gems]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': Sorry. ''[sets Steven down]''
:'''Steven''': My mom kept it secret from everyone.
:'''Pearl''': Ahem.
:'''Steven''': Almost everyone.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What are you talking about?
:'''Steven''': Well, apparently, Mom… Oh, geez. You don't know what a mom is. Okay, Pink Diamond took the form of Rose Quartz permanently after faking her shattering. Then, Rose Quartz gave up ''that'' form to create a new life with my dad-- me. Rose passed her gemstone and some of her powers onto me, but that's all. I-I don't have any of Pink ''or'' Rose's memories. I'm sorry.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmm. I'm sure your memories are in there somewhere, Pink.
:'''Steven''': Actually, I go by &quot;Steven.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': We can only do so much, if it was the ''four'' of us.
:'''Blue Diamond''': Oh, no. We can't let ''her'' see this!
:'''Steven''': Who? Who do we need?!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What do you mean, &quot;who?&quot; White.
:'''Pearl''': ''[shocked]'' White Diamond?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While traveling to Homeworld]''
:'''Steven''': Should I have brought a gift for White Diamond? We ''are'' dropping in unexpectedly, and… I want to make a good first impression. Her help will mean everything for the Corrupted Gems.
:'''Pearl''': Steven...
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmph. &quot;Good impression&quot;? We'll be lucky if she ever ''speaks'' to us again after this.
:'''Steven''': But...
:'''Blue Diamond''': The thing is, White... can be... ''difficult''.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': When we show up in this ship, it will be irrefutable that the last 6,000 years are now the biggest galactic embarrassment that's ever happened. And ''we're'' the ones to blame. (''to Steven'') If you don't want to be in a bubble for the next few millennia, I suggest you let ''me'' do the talking.

===''Familiar''===
:'''Steven''': Pearl!
:'''Pearl''': Steven! ''[runs over to Steven and hugs him]'' Oh, thank the stars! You're okay! What did White Diamond do? Did she hurt you?
:'''Steven''': No, she was like, &quot;Welcome home.&quot; I don't think she understands that I'm not Pink Diamond. Where's Connie? And Garnet and Amethyst?
:'''Pearl''': They're still on the ship. ''[summons a hot dog bag]'' I'm only here because I'm bringing your things. And they consider me one of your things.
:'''Steven''': Yeesh.
:''[Diamond chime plays]''
:'''Pearl''': The Diamond chime -- it's Yellow.
:''[The door opens, revealing Yellow Pearl standing right there]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Diamond, my Diamond has requested your presence in the extraction chamber.
:'''Pearl''': Let's get you into a suit. ''[opens the bag]''
:''[Steven, wearing his yellow swimsuit, Pearl, and Yellow Pearl walk through a yellow hallway]''
:'''Steven''': Swim trunks don't seem very formal.
:'''Pearl''': Trust me, this will be more comfortable than jeans.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Diamond.
:'''Steven''': Please, call me Steven.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Steven.
:'''Steven''': No, just Steven.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Just Steven.
:'''Steven''': Call me... Lasagna.
:'''Pearl''': Steven, stop. You're going to break her. ''[opens the extraction chamber door]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Have a nice extraction, Pink Lasagna.
:''[Steven walks into the extraction chamber sauna]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Pink.
:'''Steven''': Hi, Yellow. Cool sauna.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': It's new. Have a seat. ''[Steven uses his floating powers to jump up and takes a seat]'' So, you met with White. How was it?
:'''Steven''': All I got to say was, &quot;Hi,&quot; and, &quot;um,&quot; and, &quot;I.&quot;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Two and a half words -- that's a record.
:'''Steven''': Two and a half words isn't enough. I still need to talk to White about healing all the corrupted Gems!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmm. Good luck. White never leaves her own head these days, and she never lets anyone in -- except you, I guess. It's so unfair. I have hundreds of successful crystal system colonies, but you get to see her because your one colony is a failure!
:'''Steven''': Maybe you should just… ''fail?''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[looks momentarily shocked, then starts laughing]'' Oh, Pink, you always did have quite a knack for making me laugh. You're almost worth the trouble.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Pearl''': ''[showing up]'' Pink Diamond, my Diamond was requested your presence.
:''[Steven, Pearl, and Blue Pearl walk down a blue hallway]''
:'''Steven''': We barely talked about White at all. She had to rush to do a report, and I couldn't go with her. I get they're, like, busy, 'cause they're dictators and everything, but I need more time! ''[gasps and face-palms]'' I should have asked her what she was doing after the Citron thing!
:'''Pearl''': She'll be at that for a while. Yellow Diamond oversees all aspects of Gem production on every single one of her colonies. And when she's not doing that, she's off with her army, conquering the next one.
:'''Steven''': What about their days off, weekends?
:'''Blue Pearl''': My Diamond is awaiting our arrival.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Pearl''': ''[turns to Pearl]'' Welcome back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': You're here! Come in.
:'''Steven''': Okay! ''[runs and jumps into the pool, laughing]'' Whoo-hoo! (''laughing'') It's funny! I -- I live right next to the ocean, but I end up going to space to swim.
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[laughs, causing the pool to shake a bit]'' You haven't changed. So silly. So small.
:'''Steven''': I'm not done growing. I'm not sure I can catch up to you and Yellow, though.
:'''Blue Diamond''': I'm so glad you're back... Steven.
:'''Steven''': Y-You actually said my name!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Steven. Steee-von? (''chuckles'') It's such a funny sounding name. You're so creative, Pink.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': (''sighs'') This is so weird. Was this some sort of spa day or something? And what about Pink? Did she have a job here, or did she just sit in a room while they were off doing whatever?
:'''Pearl''': Before her colony, Pink used to throw massive balls.
:'''Steven''': ''[surprised]'' She was a juggler?!
:'''Pearl''': No -- Well, yes. But she would also throw parties for the other Diamonds to mark their many accomplishments. Every member of every court would show up to bask in the presence of all four Diamonds.
:'''Steven''': Even White would come?
:'''Pearl''': Oh, yes! Huh. I wonder what's even become of Pink's court.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ♫ Oh, I'll get them all together in one place / And once we're all together face-to-face / I'll show them all the error of their ways / And stop their spread of terror across space! ♫

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I figured it out! Remember back when I was little and maybe kind of annoying, and I couldn't come along on adventures? You guys would still drop everything to hang out with me! That's Pink Diamond! I know I can do this! Just watch -- I'm gonna throw a huge ball, and I'm gonna invite everyone!

===''Together Alone''===
:'''Pearl''': The Pebbles have been working all night. What do you think?
:'''Steven''': It almost feels like home.
:'''Garnet''': Almost.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': A ball? We haven't had a ball in 6,000 years.
:'''Blue Diamond''': We haven't had Pink in 6,000 years!
:'''Steven''': Yeah! When White Diamond shows up we can tell her why we need her help on Earth!
:'''Blue Diamond''': And, this can also mark the beginning of Era 3.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You're right, it's brilliant.
:'''Steven''': Thank you, Yellow! Thank you, Blue!
:'''Blue Diamond''': If White is going to be there everything has to be perfect! Pink, can you manage this on your own? Our Pearls can help you get started.
:'''Blue Pearl''': At your service, Pink Diamond.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Make sure you go through all of our customs with Pink, since she has so much trouble recalling her past here on Homeworld.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Yes, My Diamond.
:'''Pearl''': Era 3! Steven, you're already changing the world!
:'''Steven''': Yeah! Come on, party Pearls!
:'''Yellow and Blue Pearl''': We are at your command, Pink Diamond.
:'''Steven''': Just call me Steven.
:'''Yellow and Blue Pearl''': Whatever you command, Pink Diamond.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': Balloons everywhere! Confetti cannons too!
:'''Amethyst''': Dibs on being the confetti cannon!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Cannons are ''forbidden'' inside palace walls. These &quot;balloons&quot; you're referring to, are unprecedented and therefore out of the question.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Diamond! Your subjects will do the dancing for you! Why would a Diamond want to dance?
:'''Steven''': Because dancing's fun!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': What is &quot;fun&quot;?
:'''Connie''': You know, it's when you do something you wanna do, just because it feels good.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': I don't think we do that here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': The Sapphire will need to enter with the other Sapphires of course, and the Ruby will need to enter with the guard.
:'''Steven''': Woah, woah, woah. Are you talking about Garnet?
:'''Blue Diamond''': Garnet? Does &quot;that&quot; call herself a Garnet? What would you have her do? Enter with the Demantoids, the Hessonites, the Pyropes? Pink, I'm being very generous, but you can't expect me to-
:'''Garnet''': I won't go.
:'''Steven''': Garnet?
:'''Blue Diamond''': At least the Sapphire in there has some sense.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Everyone, behold! The daunting, beauty and elegance that is, Yellow Diamond!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Not a bad turnout, Pink.
:'''Steven''': I appreciate your attendance, Yellow.
:'''Blue Pearl''': Ahem, everyone prepare yourselves emotionally for the overpowering elegance that is, Blue Diamond.
:'''Blue Diamond''': You're doing great.
:'''Steven''': Thank you, Blue.
:'''White Pearl''': To those in attendance of the Era 3 ball, White Diamond... has more important things to attend to.
:'''Steven''': WHAT?!
:'''White Pearl''': Therefore, I will be here to observe in her place. Welcome to Era 3.
:'''Steven''': Gra!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': (''through gritted teeth'') Pink, what are you doing?!
:'''Stevonnie''': I was just dancing! (''sees they have fused and everybody else looks in shock'')
:'''Blue Diamond''': Pink, this is completely unacceptable! Unfuse or I'll make you!
:''[Ruby and Sapphire fuse and become Garnet]''
:'''Garnet''': You'll have to go through me!
:'''Pearl''': (''gasp'') And me! (''Runs over to Amethyst and fuses into Opal'')
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah!
:''[two jades quickly fuse as well]''
:'''Lemon Jade''': And me! ''[Opal and Stevonnie look at Garnet, and she shrugs]'' I knew it! I knew I couldn't be the only one!
:''[Yellow Diamond strikes the Jade Fusion, Opal, and Garnet with her lightning powers, causing them all to poof]''
:'''Stevonnie''': Opal! Garnet!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Pink, you've gone too far even for you. ''[picks up Stevonnie and throws them into a dark room]'' Stay in here and think about what you've done!
:'''Stevonnie''': No, wait!
:''[Yellow Diamond closes the door, ends the episode]''

===''Escapism''===
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[singing]'' ♫ I guess I have to face, that in this awful place, I shouldn't show a trace... of doubt. / But pulled against the grain, I feel a little pain, that I would rather do... without. / I'd rather be free-ee-ee, free-ee-ee, free... / I'd rather be free-ee-ee, free-ee-ee, free... / Free-ee-ee, free-ee-ee, free... / from here. ♫

===''Change Your Mind''===
:'''Steven''': ''[wakes up and looks up at the prison tower window]'' Oh, right -- prison.
:''[Blue Diamond enters]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': I cannot believe you! Making a scene like that.
:''' Steven''': We weren't trying to make a scene! We were just... ''[turns to see that Connie is not present]'' dancing?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': I cannot believe you -- making a scene like that!
:'''Steven''': Whoa -- dejá blue.
:'''Connie''': We didn't mean any harm! I asked Steven to dance; he wasn't trying to cause trouble!
:'''Blue Diamond''': What do you know about this, human?
:'''Connie''': ''[chuckles]'' You think I've never been grounded before?
:'''Blue Diamond''': &quot;Grounded?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': This isn't normal. How many times did you lock her in here? How many times did you make her cry?!
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[defensive]'' I didn't, I... and I'm doing it again... aren't I?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What... are you doing?
:'''Steven''': I'm taking back my friends!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[closes her eyes as she looks up from Steven to readdress Blue; annoyed]'' What are you doing, Blue? Take Pink back to the tower.
:'''Blue Diamond''': She prefers to be called &quot;Steven.&quot;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[slams her hand so forcefully against her throne that it cracks, stands up and assumes an angered stance]'' What are you talking about?! You can't keep bending the rules for her, Blue! She has to set an example, and ''we'' have to set an example! If we bend the rules for her, we have to bend them for everyone!
:'''Connie''': Well, maybe you should!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Take them back to the tower, now!
:'''Blue Diamond''': I won't.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Then I'll do it myself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': When we thought Pink was shattered, when she abandoned us, I alone was there for you, and you would use your power against &lt;big&gt;'''ME?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You'd hurt a fellow Diamond?!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Didn't we hurt Pink?! She was suffering in silence for ages -- just like our Gems -- just like me! And I know ''you're'' suffering in silence, too!
:''[Yellow Diamond claps her fist and uses her lightning power on Blue, causing her to begin to destabilize and scream]''
:'''Steven''': Stop! ''[pulls out his shield and chucks it towards Yellow Diamond's hand, disrupting her concentration]'' You don't have to do this!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Yes, I do! This is what White Diamond expects of all of us. From a thin flake of mica to the deepest, hardest stone, we all must make sacrifices for the sake of our perfect empire.
:'''Steven''': Does ''this'' look perfect to you?! My dad says if every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn't have hot dogs.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': And that means... what?
:'''Steven''': It means if you try and make this empire perfect -- if you just wipe away everything you see as flawed -- you lose all the things that make you happy -- like hot dogs.
:'''Blue Diamond''': Or our Pink.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Uhh... ''[falls to the ground on her knees in an uncharacteristic emotional breakdown]'' Stop. Stop it, Blue. Stop using your power on me...!
:'''Blue Diamond''': I'm not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': Hey, White, I know I was in there with you for a second, but I barely got to talk to you at all. There are so many Gems that are hurting right now. Even Blue and Yellow are hurting. You should hear what they have to say. ''[to Blue and Yellow; whispers]'' This is it.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[struggling]'' We... W-we... We need to talk! About us. I've conquered so many worlds for the sake of the empire. I do everything you ask, and I do it all perfectly. But your very high standards put us all under a ''lot'' of pressure. A Gem could crack under so much pressure. We Diamonds may be hard, but we're also brittle.
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[steps forward]'' White, we used to be close. Don't you remember? When Pink would make us laugh -- all those silly things she did for no reason. There was a reason. She wanted us to be happy together. But we weren't, and we're still not. I know my purpose isn't to be happy, but I find it harder and harder to enforce your rules when they make me miserable. When they make us all miserable.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rainbow Quartz 2.0''': Well, what do you know? It's Rainbow 2.0! Now, this is a fine mess we're in. (''gasps'') That won't do. (''blows raspberry'') Rainbow Quartz powers, activate! Ah, yes. Now that's two stones, with one bird.
:''[Steven and new reformed Pearl unfuse]''
:'''Amethyst''': Wow! Nice form, Pearl.
:'''Pearl''': Oh, ''[chuckles]'' thank you. I'm particularly excited about the jacket. Aah! Steven! We fused!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sunstone''': Awwwwwwwwwww yeah! You better step off! Chillax, my dudes. Your rockin' pal Sunstone is holdin' it down.
:'''Pearl''': Wow!
:'''Amethyst''': Holy...
:'''Connie''': All right!
:'''Peridot''': Unbelievable!
:'''Sunstone''': Oh, you better believe it.
:'''Peridot''': Okay!
:'''Connie''': Sunstone, what are we gonna do? White Diamond's never going to listen, and she's never going to let us leave.
:'''Sunstone''': If she won't listen, we'll ''make'' her listen.
:'''Amethyst''': And ''how'' are we gonna do that?
:'''Sunstone''': I know she's in there. We'll bust into her head and change her mind.
:'''Everyone''': Right!
:'''Sunstone''': Let's take that bully down! ''[to the viewers]'' But remember kids: if you ever have to deal with a bully, be sure to tell an adult. ''[yanks Pearl and Amethyst onto their shoulders and sprints towards the giant pink foot of the ship]'' Ally-oop! ''[summons her suction cups]'' Kids, don't try this at home. Ha! Bungacowa!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': We need to be bigger.
:'''Steven''': Then let's fuse. All four of us. It's the only way we're gonna get up to her head.
:'''Amethyst''': I'm in!
:'''Pearl''': I'm in, too.
:'''Garnet''': Then it's decided. It's time to form Obsidian.
:''[Connie, Bismuth, Peridot, and Lapis back away to give some space for Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, and Steven to perform their fusion dance; Obsidian is formed by letting out a big loud cry for battle]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[amazed]'' They're HU-U-U-U-GE!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': You're wrong! I'm not my mom!
:'''White Diamond''': But don't you know things about her that you couldn't possibly know?
:'''Steven''': I-I've just been connecting with her. My powers, they-they help me to connect to others. I'm not her. I'm just feeling her feelings.
:'''White Diamond''': Isn't it obvious? Even though you've embedded yourself in that human child, your light can't help shining through!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connie''': Don't listen to her Steven! She's just trying to mess with you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''White Diamond''': What is this?! Where is Pink?
:'''Pink Steven''': She's gone.
:'''White Diamond''': What did you say? Answer me!
:'''Pink Steven''': ''[shouting]'' She's &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''GO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-NE!!!!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''White Diamond''': Agh! Don't you raise your shield at me! I only want you to be yourself! If you can't do that, I'll do it &lt;big&gt;FOR YOU!!!&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connie''': Steven! ''[rushes to Steven and hugs him]'' Are you back together? Are you you?
:'''Steven''': Yeah. Yeah! I’m me! I’ve always been me.
:'''White Diamond''': ''NO!'' You are Pink Diamond! That is Pink Diamond's gem! You do not look like this! You do not sound like this! You are not half-human! You're just... acting like a child!
:'''Steven''': I ''am'' a child. What's your excuse?
:'''White Diamond''': ''[starts blushing, and notices the Gems under her control doing the same]'' What's happening? What is this? What's wrong with them? They're turning... pink! I don't understand, I'm in control, I-- ''[gasps]'' Something's wrong! With ME! No!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''White Diamond''': What is this? I feel... ridiculous. Yellow, Blue...
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[gasps]'' She's off-color...
:'''White Diamond''': This can't be happening. I can't have a flaw, I'm supposed to be flawless! If I'm not perfect then... who am I? If you're not Pink, then... who are you? Who is ''anyone?''
:'''Steven''': You know, if you just let everyone be whoever they are, maybe you could let yourself be whoever you are too.
:'''White Diamond''': But I'm not supposed to be like this! I'm supposed to know better, I'm supposed to ''be'' better, I'm supposed to make ''everything'' better!
:'''Steven''': You can. But first, you're gonna have to leave your own head.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Padparadscha''': I predict our long journey through space will soon be over.
:'''Lars''': Welcome home, guys.
:'''Rhodonite''': We finally made it! Earth! No more running, no more hiding! No more Diamond Authority! ''[they notice the Diamonds, who have heard everything]'' Well, we're cracked.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sadie''': Lars... Look at you! You're... you're a space pirate!
:'''Lars''': Look at you! You're a rock star!
:'''Sadie''': ''[Laughs] Well... ''[Laughs]''
:''[They both laugh in unison]''
:'''Lars''': I think it suits us!
:'''Sadie''': Yeah. Me, too!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[singing]'' ♫ I don’t need you to respect me, I respect me. / I don’t need you to love me, I love me. / But I want you to know you could know me, / If you change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind, / If you change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind, / If you change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind, / Change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind. ♫

[[Category:Steven Universe seasons]]</text>
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      <comment>/* Your Mother and Mine */</comment>
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]]
----
{{italic title}}
The following is a list of quotes from the fifth season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''.

===''Stuck Together''===
:'''Aquamarine''': Say, Rose, how do I look?
:'''Steven''': Awful, small and mean!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Topaz''': What was I thinking?
:'''Aquamarine''': That's the problem with you fusions. Sooner or later, you will become ''sentimental.'' ''[the ship rumbles, coming to a stop and a notification pops up]'' We're here. Look, just… unfuse, and we'll never speak of this again.

===''The Trial''===
:'''Steven''': ''[speaking to himself]'' I know my mom did something really bad. Whatever Homeworld has in store for me… I'M READY!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prosecuting Zircon''': Defending a rebel? Isn't that… ''treason?'' ''[chuckles]''
:'''Defense Zircon''': I was ''assigned'' to this!
:''[Blue and Yellow Pearl warp in]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': All rise for the luminous Yellow Diamond! ''[poses]''
:'''Blue Pearl''': And the lustrous Blue Diamond. ''[bows]''
:''[Blue and Yellow Diamond warp in behind them, staring down at Steven]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[looking around]'' Where is the accused?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[looks down at Steven]'' Is that Rose Quartz? Look at this ''hideous'' she's taken. Forget the trial, we should shatter just for looking like that.
:'''Blue Diamond''': No. I want to hear her make her case. I want to know what she thinks we're going to do with her. Because  I want to do something ''worse''.
:''[Steven gulps nervously]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[warps in their throne chairs]'' Fine. Let's just get on with it, shall we?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I did it!
:'''Defense Zircon''': Wha… What, what?! Stop!
:'''Blue Diamond''': No! I want to hear what she has to say.
:''[Steven is elevated up to the Diamonds' height]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': State your name for the record, please.
:'''Steven''': I, um… I am Rose Quartz… and I'm guilty.
:'''Defense Zircon''': Wait! No, don't say that!
:'''Steven''': Everything you guys I did, I did. And I did it by myself. I'm sorry. I'll accept any punishment you want to give me. ''[points down to Lars]'' Just let him go! And leave the Earth alone.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Ha! Sounds like a solid confession to me.
:'''Blue Diamond''': How? How did you do it? How did you shatter Pink Diamond?
:'''Steven''': ''[nervously]'' Um, well…I did it on Earth in front of Pink Diamond's palanquin. I was probably like &quot;Stop!&quot; And she was all like, &quot;No!&quot; So we fought -- I think. And she probably did some cool moves. I probably did some cool stuff, too, some jump-kicks and stuff. But I was most likely deeply conflicted about deciding to shatter her. Definitely crying. I probably had to use the Breaking Point to do it.
:'''Blue Diamond''': It was a ''sword!'' ''[covers her eyes, crying and a blue light fills the room, making everyone except Lars tear up]'' You… shattered her… with a sword! ''[starts sobbing]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[walks up and comforts Blue]'' That's quite enough testimony from you! We shall take a short recess.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Defense Zircon''': What are you saying in there?! &quot;Maybe&quot; this, &quot;probably&quot; that! Oh, what do you mean, ''probably''?!
:'''Steven''': Look I just... I don't actually know how it happened, okay?
:'''Defense Zircon''': You don't ''know''?!
:'''Steven''': I...
:'''Defense Zircon''': ''[grabs Steven by the shirt collar and picks him up]'' Don't tumble my rocks! Both our gems are on the line! Did you do this or not?!
:'''Steven''': It was me, alright! ''[Defense Zircon let's go of his shirt and drops him]'' Rose Quartz did it, and I've got her gem, so I'm the one who's got to pay for this.
:'''Defense Zircon''': You don't know how it happened. ''[Steven shakes his head]'' I get it. There's a reason they want you to explain how you did it.
:'''Steven''': Huh?
:'''Defense Zircon''': It's because it doesn't make sense!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You think you can get away, Rose? You stood your ground on that little speck called Earth. But you're on ''our'' world now.

===''Off Colors''===
:'''Padparadscha''': Oh my gosh, something incredible is going to happen to Lars!

===''Lars' Head''===
:'''Steven''': But it doesn't feel right to just leave you here.
:'''Lars''': You said yourself that everyone on this planet is out to get you. You won't be safe until you're back on Earth.
:'''Steven''': But, Lars--
:'''Lars''': Don't argue with me! You're always trying to help me. You brought me back to life. Just let me be somebody who deserved it.

===''Dewey Wins''===

===''Gemcation''===

===''Raising the Barn''===

===''Back to the Kindergarten''===
:'''Peridot''': This used to make sense to me. I thought life was generated in a kindergarten. Formless, aimless energy channeled into new, useful gems. But life doesn't start in a kindergarten. It ends here. I've gotten used to plants everywhere. Bugs and breeze and sunshine...all of that has been sucked out of this place. 

===''Sadie Killer''===

===''Kevin Party''===

===''Lars of the Stars''===
:'''Emerald''': ''[on screen]'' It's over! I've got you now you miserable off-colors!
:'''Lars''': You'll ''never'' take us alive, Emerald!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lars''': You don't get it, do you, Steven? ''[starts tearing up and sniffles]'' It should be me. ''[starts crying]'' ''I'm'' the one that should be hanging out with the Cool Kids! She's getting back at me for everything I've done!
:'''Connie''': Do you really think Sadie is living her life ''just'' to get back at you?
:'''Lars''': Why else would she be having so much fun without me?!
:'''Steven''': Because life goes on, no matter what happens. She was so upset when she found out you'd be stuck in space, Lars. She really misses you, but, she can't stay sad forever. She started hanging out with the Cool Kids. She quit the Big Donut, all because she needed to do ''something'' to feel better.
:'''Connie''': And look at you! Steven said you'd be hiding in some cave on Homeworld, but you're not! You're out here fighting for freedom with all your new friends in tow! Are ''you'' doing any of this to hurt Sadie?
:'''Lars''': No! I'm doing this because I have to. ''[tears up]'' I'd never do this to hurt Sadie because-
:'''Steven''': Because!
:'''Connie''': Because!
:'''Both''': Because you're best friends!
:''[Lars watches them fuse into Stevonnie]''
:'''Stevonnie''': And best friends wouldn't do anything to hurt each other!

===''Jungle Moon''===
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[squealing in excitement]'' Whoa, cool! Yellow! ''[jumps up to her chair]'' Hey, Yellow.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Oh, you're still here.
:'''Stevonnie''': What are you doing?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm commanding the dropships to colonize this planet.
:'''Stevonnie''': I wanna command a dropship!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Well, when you have your ''own'' colony, you can command whatever you want.
:'''Stevonnie''': I want a colony! ''[Yellow Diamond presses buttons on the panel with four diamonds]'' I want one now! ''[screen unlocks revealing a dropship on the panel]'' What's this?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm contacting the leader of the fleet.
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[amazed]'' Let me do it! ''[starts pressing buttons on the screen but Yellow Diamond grabs her arm]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[angrily]'' DON'T TOUCH THAT!
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[irritated]'' Why ''not''? You have so many worlds and I don't even have ''one''! It's not fair! I want ONE! I want my own ''army''! I want my own ''planet''! I deserve it! I'm just as important as ''YOU''!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[angrily]'' Then why don't you act like it, Pink?!
:''[Stevonnie walks away, holding their arm, angry; approach a window and their fist clenches; Pink Diamond is seen through their reflection and the hand punches the glass smashing it; She suddenly wakes up from the dream, falling out of the hammock on the ground]''
:'''Stevonnie''': (''talking through Connie'') Whoa! ''[breathing hard]'' Steven, what was that? (''talking through Steven'') Diamonds. I'm having Diamond dreams again. But, why now? Why ''here''? ''[looks up and see a mural of Yellow Diamond]'' No way.

===''Your Mother and Mine''===
:'''Garnet''': Come on, everyone. Let me tell you the story of the ''real'' Rose Quartz. ''[Flashback story begins; narrating]'' It was Era 1. The Diamonds, unique in their flawlessness, sought to expand their perfection across the galaxy. And it was for this purpose that Pink Diamond chose her first colony-- the planet Earth. On Earth, every Gem was made to serve Pink Diamond, each with a role to play in her world's perfect empire. In comparison to their creator, their existence was ordinary. They were life-forms only meant to fit their mold, and no one had ever dared to think otherwise. Until, there was Rose Quartz. In stature, she was no different than any other Quartz. And for a time, she did her best to carry out her Diamond's bidding. However, she began to take notice of her strange colony and the life that existed there. Curiosity turned to appreciation. Appreciation turned to fondness. And fondness… turned to love. Soon she was unable to keep her findings secret, and she began asking her fellow Gems if they knew of the life on Earth and what they made of it. She continued to pry her fellow Kindergartners with questions ''so'' odd, that word of her eventually made its way to Pink Diamond. Rose Quartz was summoned at once.
:'''Pink Diamond''': Quartz, what have you been saying down there?
:'''Rose''': My Diamond, it has come to my attention that your colony, Earth, bears life. While I know these organic life-forms serve no purpose, I ask that we leave this planet and spare their lives.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Pink Diamond thought for a moment, and then laughed, a wicked, empty sound.
:'''Pink Diamond''': ''[laughing]'' You wish to save these life-forms at the expense of our own? Ha! Don't be absurd. Return to your post, and I will forget your insolence.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' And with that, Rose Quartz was dragged back to her kindergarten for duty. ''[A gem drags Rose away and she continues working]'' Only Rose could no longer stand to continue aiding in the destruction of Earth. She had no choice. She had to fight.
:'''Rose''': ''[stops working and jumps into the air, changing her uniform into a dress before destroying an injector, stands on the broken injector and speaks to the other Quartzes]'' Is this what you want -- to inject, to build?! I've seen the life that exists for itself, and it lives here! Will you destroy it, or will you join it?
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Rose's message began to resonate to Pink Diamond's dismay. Her colony was falling apart. So, like a coward, she called for her Diamond allies, Yellow and Blue, to help. But Rose also found herself with allies, other Gems that were cast out for being wrong -- a Pearl who belonged to no one… a Bismuth who built weapons for rebels instead of towers for tyrants… An entirely new fusion, for not power, but for love… And countless others, all inspired by Rose to live for ourselves on Earth. She was our leader. And Earth was our precious home. And those who fought to save it became known as…the Crystal Gems!
:'''Rhodonite''': Unbelievable!
:'''Rutile Twins''': There were Gems like us?
:'''Padparadscha''': Fighting.
:'''Fluorite''': For… their… freedom?
:'''Garnet''': Yes, and we were fearless! ''[Flashback resumes; narrating]'' It was an impossible fight, but we fought anyway. And the more Gems who saw us, the more who joined. But Pink Diamond's forces proved too strong. Rose feared that soon she would have nothing left to protect. Rose Quartz drew her rebel blade… and shattered Pink Diamond, saving the Earth for all time from her reign of terror.
:'''Rutile Twins''': Wow! That's incredible! I don't believe it!
:'''Lars''': ''[to Steven]'' Your mom did all that? That's awesome!
:'''Rhodonite''': Wait. What about the rest? What happened after that?
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The other Diamonds were furious. In a last-ditch attempt to wipe out the Rebellion, the Diamonds launched a direct attack against Earth. And in their fury, they used their powers to end the fighting once and for all.
:'''Padparadscha''': I predict this story won't have a happy ending.
:'''Rutile Twins''': We were all told different stories. But they all ended the same way.
:'''Fluorite''': With Rose Quartz… being… defeated.
:'''Rhodonite''': This new version of the story is even worse! So, she was great, and they beat her? What are we supposed to get out of this -- that we can never win?!
:'''Garnet''': We haven't yet, but we can, and we will. They said they annihilated Rose's rebellion, but here ''we'' are. They said they annihilated all of you on Homeworld, but here ''you'' are! They think they have us on the run, but they're the ones that are running from the truth. And the truth is we... are... everywhere!
:'''Rhodonite''': But how many more of us can there be?
:'''Steven''': Way more than you think! I was only on Homeworld for, like, an hour before I ran in to you guys. There must be Off Colors all over the place.
:'''Garnet''': Rose used to say there was something about Earth -- something that set Gems free. But it's not just Earth. Look at you. Love, freedom -- it's universal. You all prove it every moment you live as yourselves. You can show everyone.
:'''Fluorite''': We… can do that?
:'''Lars''': Not while we're floating out here like sitting ducks.

===''The Big Show''===

===''Pool Hopping''===
:'''Garnet''': I think I get it.
:'''Steven''': Hm?
:'''Garnet''': Why my future vision has been so off. I have to change the way I think about you. 
:'''Steven''': What?
:'''Garnet''': I've been looking into probable futures where you act like a child. I keep expecting you to run from responsibility and to turn to me for help, but you don't do that anymore. Those futures aren't probable at all. There's nothing wrong with this timeline or my future vision. I just need to factor in that you've grown up.

===''Letters to Lars''===

===''Can't Go Back''===
:'''Blue Diamond''': But this is what you wanted.
:'''Steven''': ''[wakes up and gasps; turns to see Lapis is nowhere to be seen]'' Lapis? ''[turns forward to the silhouettes of Blue, Yellow, and Pink Diamond]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': You begged us for a colony of your own, and now all you want to do is be rid of it. First there were too many organics. Then their cities were too difficult to dismantle, and -- and now these Crystal Gems. We're tired of your excuses, Pink. We're tired of your excuses, Pink.
:'''Steven''': The Diamonds.
:'''Blue Diamonds''': This Rose Quartz can't hurt you. You can't be swayed by a few unruly Gems. ''[Holds her hand up as Pink Diamond is about to say something]'' Enough! You must understand, you are a Diamond. Everyone on this planet is looking to you. You don't even have to do anything. Just smile and wave. Show everyone you're unfazed by this little uprising. Your Gems will fall into line, and these Crystal Gems will be no more. As long as you are there to rule, this colony will be completed.

===''A Single Pale Rose''===
:'''Steven''': It better not turn out that her phone was in her pocket...or she left it on the dresser or dropped it in the toilet. Seems about as likely as putting it away in your repressed war memories.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Steven returns from Pearl's gem after learning the truth about how Rose Quartz &quot;shattered&quot; Pink Diamond]''
:'''Steven''': I know.  
:'''Pearl''': ''[tearing up]'' I wanted to tell you for ''so'' long.
:'''Steven''': Mom was Pink Diamond.
:''[Garnet and Amethyst stand in shock behind Steven]''
:'''Amethyst''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAAAAAAAAAT?!?'''&lt;/big&gt;

===''Now We're Only Falling Apart''===
:'''Amethyst''': Let me get this straight. Rose Quartz, leader of the Crystal Gems, Steven's mom, was actually Pink Diamond?!
:'''Steven''': She faked her own shattering, and reformed to be Rose all the time.
:'''Pearl''': Pink Diamond's final command to me was that no one could know, but now that Steven does, I can finally tell you all everything!
:'''Amethyst''': Phew! I mean, a pink lion, a pink sword, and now Pink Diamond?! Huh, if you told me Rose invented cotton candy, I'd believe it. Right, Garnet? Uh, Garnet?
:'''Garnet''': ''[shaking and gets up]'' Rose. She... she... ''[struggles to stay stable and defuses into Ruby and Sapphire]''
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire...
:'''Sapphire''': ''[betrayed and heartbroken with fury]'' '''SHE LIED TO US!''' She lied about EVERYTHING! She held our hands, looked us right in the eyes, and told us to never question who we are as Garnet. We never questioned ourselves, or her!
:'''Ruby''': We couldn't have known!
:'''Sapphire''': No, you couldn't have known. You never know what's going on. That's what I'm for!
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire...
:'''Sapphire''': But I never looked into her, I trusted her... I let her make fools of us all!
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire, wait!
:'''Steven''': Guys! ''[slips on the ice Sapphire had caused due to her stress]''
:'''Ruby''': Please...We can just stay calm and talk about this, right? Let's just, talk.
:'''Sapphire''': Talk about what? How our relationship is based on a lie? What else is there to say? ''[warps to Rose's Fountain]''
:'''Pearl''': Ruby, I am so sorry...
:'''Steven''': Come on, Pearl. Help me explain everything to Sapphire.
:'''Pearl''': Right.
:'''Steven''': Sit tight, Ruby. We'll go and get Sapphire.
:'''Ruby''': Okay. ''[starts crying]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sapphire''': ''[grieving]'' Everything we were running from, she was right there all along…using us for her little war…smiling at us with those knowing eyes… Making me believe in a better future that I couldn't see, because it wasn't real. And now here we are, our friends, shattered, and corrupted…of course she was a Diamond. What a long road she took to torture us all like this.
:'''Steven''': It wasn't like that. You know she didn't want anyone to get hurt.
:'''Sapphire''': I don't know that! I clearly don't know anything.
:'''Pearl''': You deserve to know everything. I was given to Pink Diamond a few thousand years before she was given the Earth. I was supposed to make her happy, I just never could.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': Is everything alright, my Diamond? You seem troubled.
:'''Rose''': All this life that's been growing wild here on Earth…none of it will survive my invasion. We're not creating life from nothing. We're ''taking'' life, and leaving nothing behind.
:'''Pearl''': Forgive me, my Diamond. I shouldn't have brought you to such a place.
:'''Rose''': No. I needed to see this.
:''[scene shifts back to the fountain]''
:'''Steven''': So she ''did'' want to protect Earth. She didn't realize what the colony was doing to the planet.
:'''Sapphire''': So what?! She suddenly started to care about Earth? Why did she have to rope us into all this? Why couldn't she just stop the colonization herself?
:'''Pearl''': She ''tried''. When she told the other Diamonds she didn't want to go through with the colony, they told her to finish what she started. When she told the other Diamonds she wanted to preserve life on Earth, they created the zoo and threw a handful of humans in. She did everything she could as Pink Diamond. But her status meant nothing to Blue and Yellow. So she decided to make a stand, as someone they couldn't ignore. She was going to scare every Gem off the planet. But everything changed when she saw…your fusion.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': Before Garnet, Rose was only fighting for Earth. But Garnet changed everything. Rose wanted to fight for her, she wanted to fight for Gems! And maybe she was foolish, and maybe even...selfish, but she was-
:'''Sapphire''': Following us.
:'''Pearl''': What?
:'''Sapphire''': This whole time, we thought we were following her, but she was following ''us''. How could she not after you swept her off her feet?

===''What's your Problem''===

===''The Question''===

===''Made of Honor''===
:'''Steven''': So, my Dad will finish playing the music, and then next you'll do the &quot;I do&quot;s. And then I'll say… &quot;I now pronounce you Garnet.&quot; And then you fuse! Everyone will cheer!
:'''Sapphire''': Everyone… who survived.
:'''Ruby''': Huh?
:'''Sapphire''': Oh, it's just… There's so many old friends who won't be able to come. All the Crystal Gems who were corrupted and bubbled in the basement.
:'''Ruby''': Maybe we could bring the bubbles up here?
:'''Sapphire''': No, no. It's not safe. We can't risk them getting out.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bismuth''': Hey everyone. Did you guys &quot;Bismi-th&quot; me?
:''[Pearl, Sapphire, Ruby and Amethyst drop their sodas simultaneously]''
:'''Peridot''': Ha! I win! Also, less importantly, who are you?
:'''Steven''': I… invited Bismuth! I hope that's cool.
:'''Sapphire''': ''[slowly walks up to her]'' Bismuth. ''[hugs her]''
:'''Bismuth''': Whoa, Sapphire!
:'''Pearl and Ruby''': Bismuth! ''[tackle her to the floor, and begin nuzzling her]''
:'''Sapphire''': You wouldn't believe what we've all been through. I'm so sorry! We should've-
:'''Bismuth''': Look, I'm right there with you, Steven filled me in.
:'''Peridot''': So, is anyone going to introduce me?
:'''Amethyst''': Let's give 'em some space.

===''Reunited''===
:'''Steven''': Dearly beloved Gems, humans, lions big and small, living gourds, Onion, we are gathered here today to celebrate Ruby and Sapphire, two of my favorite people, who combine into one of my ''other'' favorite people! You all probably know her as Garnet. She's their love, given form. Now it's your turn to talk about that.
:'''Ruby''': I know this is all kind of silly, I mean, we've been together for 5,750 years.
:'''Sapphire''': And 8 months.
:'''Ruby''': I used to feel like I wasn't much good, just one of me on my own. But when we're together, it feels like it's okay to just be me. So I wanna be me, with you, an-and, not even the Diamonds will come between us. And if they try, we'll beat em up!
:'''Sapphire''': Ruby, my future used to look like one single, obvious stream, unbending 'til the end of time. In an instant, you pulled me from that destiny and opened my eye to an explosion of infinite possible futures, streaking across space and time, altered and obliterated by the smallest force of will. ''[beat]'' What I mean is, you changed my life. And then, I changed your life. And now, we changed our lives.
:'''Steven''': Bismuth, the rings.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[gently bumps Bismuth]'' Hey Bismuth, that's your cue.
:''[Bismuth, touched and crying by the vows, approaches them with the rings]''
:'''Steven''': Ruby, do you take this Gem to have and to hold, on this and every other planet in the universe!?
:'''Ruby''': I DO!
:'''Steven''': And Sapphire, do you-
:'''Sapphire''': Yes.
:'''Steven''': ''[whispering]'' You didn't let me finish.
:'''Sapphire''': I'm just very excited.
:'''Steven''': Then by the power vested in me by the state of Delmarva, I now pronounce you… Garnet!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': What a wonderful idea. Humans found a way to make a moment's decision last forever. I won't need future vision to know I'll always remember this.
:'''Steven''': I'm so glad. ''[starts tearing up]''
:'''Garnet''': Oh no. I'm sorry. Don't cry.
:'''Steven''': ''[wipes off the tears]'' I guess seeing everyone together got me really choked up. ''[bigger tears begin flowing out of his eyes]'' Wait a second. You don't think…?
:'''Garnet''': ''[takes off her visor, opening her third eye]'' Blue Diamond!
:'''Steven''': She's here?!
:'''Garnet''': And she's not alone.
:''[The sky darkens quickly and everyone looks up to the sky, seeing Blue and Yellow Diamond's ships approaching]''
:'''Steven''': Oh, no. It's the Diamonds! ''[runs up to Nanefua]'' Nanefua, get on your Nane-phone! We've got a code blue ''and'' a code yellow!
:'''Garnet''':
:''[As the Diamond ships approach the beach, they fly overhead them]''
:'''Peridot''': WE'RE OVER HERE, YOU CLODS!
:'''Pearl''': Wha- where are they going?!
:'''Steven''': If they're not here for us, they must be here for the Cluster!
:'''Bismuth''': What's the Cluster?
:'''Steven''': It's a huge earth-destroying geo-weapon that the Diamonds made out of a bajillion gem shards!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': You cannot fathom how much I've mourned, what thousands of years of grief has done to me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': I know this sword. This is the sword that '''SHATTERED HER!''' ''[shatters the sword as Steven gasps, which made Connie fall down only to be caught by Lion]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Blue Diamond!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Who are you supposed to be?
:'''Garnet''': I am the will of two Gems to care for each other, to protect each other from any threat, no matter how vast or how cruel. You couldn't stop me 5,750 years ago, and you can't stop me now!
:'''Blue Diamond''': It's you, that Ruby and Sapphire that disrupted my court.
:'''Garnet''': This is supposed to be MY day!
:'''Blue Diamond''': You hope to defeat me by clinging to my feet?
:'''Garnet''': I just needed to keep you from taking three steps to the right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': Lapis Lazuli? Does every Gem that comes in contact with this planet turn traitor?!
:'''Lapis''': I've felt ''worse.''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': With all our strength together, we can take her down!
:'''Steven''': That's right! This is our home, our planet, our friends and family! We are the Crystal Gems!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Pathetic! You are &lt;big&gt;'''NOTHING!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Ha! I told her off, once. I can do it again. ''[jumps off Bismuth's hands and runs up to Yellow Diamond]'' Hey! Yellow Clod! '''''REMEMBER ME?!'''''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': No. ''[zaps and poofs Peridot to her gemstone]''
:'''Steven''': Stop! ''[jumps off Garnet's hands and runs up to the Diamonds]'' Don't do this! Listen to me, ''I'm'' the one you're missing! I'm Pink Diamond!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[shocked and angry]'' You! ''[charges towards Steven as he summons his shield]''
:'''Garnet''': Steven!
:''[Yellow Diamond stomps her foot on Steven in fury, knocking him out unconsciously]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lapis Lazuli''': What else have you got?! I've only just begun to fight! ''[gets zapped and poofed to her gemstone by Yellow Diamond]''
:'''Steven''': ''[shocked gasp]'' Lapis!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''How miserable. I knew Pink couldn't handle her own colony. But, I gave in. And now, I'm to blame for her fate.''
:'''Steven''': Ah, her thoughts are too strong!
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''What good will any of this do? The more I make these Gems suffer, the more I long to see you again, Pink.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': This feeling, I know it!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': It must be a trick! Show yourself, foe!
:'''Steven''': I'm not your foe. Please, just listen to me!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': There!
:'''Steven''': ''Please, the fighting has to stop. We aren't enemies. We're family. Please listen to me. I need you to know who I am!!!''
:'''Blue Diamond''': Impossible.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': This aura...
:'''Blue Diamond''': It's you! Pink!

===''Legs From Here to Homeworld''===
:'''Garnet''': We can't just hand Steven over to Blue Diamond, she's a shatterer!
:'''Bismuth''': She's not gonna hurt him, look at her. She really thinks he's one of them.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[sobbing loudly]'' Somebody make Blue Diamond stop!
:'''Connie''': Are you guys okay?
:'''Pearl''': It's just… ''[sniffles]'' Blue Diamond's power. She's obviously relieved that Pink Diamond wasn't shattered after all.
:''[Yellow Diamond tries to reactive her ship and Blue Diamond's, but are too damaged]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmm. How could you do this to us, Pink? Why did you let us think you were shattered? Why the strange disguise? Why are you doing a voice? Why didn't you say something at the trial?! And Blue, could you please stop crying? I can't see. ''[wipes her tears, splashing the Gems]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': Sorry. ''[sets Steven down]''
:'''Steven''': My mom kept it secret from everyone.
:'''Pearl''': Ahem.
:'''Steven''': Almost everyone.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What are you talking about?
:'''Steven''': Well, apparently, Mom… Oh, geez. You don't know what a mom is. Okay, Pink Diamond took the form of Rose Quartz permanently after faking her shattering. Then, Rose Quartz gave up ''that'' form to create a new life with my dad-- me. Rose passed her gemstone and some of her powers onto me, but that's all. I-I don't have any of Pink ''or'' Rose's memories. I'm sorry.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmm. I'm sure your memories are in there somewhere, Pink.
:'''Steven''': Actually, I go by &quot;Steven.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': We can only do so much, if it was the ''four'' of us.
:'''Blue Diamond''': Oh, no. We can't let ''her'' see this!
:'''Steven''': Who? Who do we need?!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What do you mean, &quot;who?&quot; White.
:'''Pearl''': ''[shocked]'' White Diamond?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While traveling to Homeworld]''
:'''Steven''': Should I have brought a gift for White Diamond? We ''are'' dropping in unexpectedly, and… I want to make a good first impression. Her help will mean everything for the Corrupted Gems.
:'''Pearl''': Steven...
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmph. &quot;Good impression&quot;? We'll be lucky if she ever ''speaks'' to us again after this.
:'''Steven''': But...
:'''Blue Diamond''': The thing is, White... can be... ''difficult''.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': When we show up in this ship, it will be irrefutable that the last 6,000 years are now the biggest galactic embarrassment that's ever happened. And ''we're'' the ones to blame. (''to Steven'') If you don't want to be in a bubble for the next few millennia, I suggest you let ''me'' do the talking.

===''Familiar''===
:'''Steven''': Pearl!
:'''Pearl''': Steven! ''[runs over to Steven and hugs him]'' Oh, thank the stars! You're okay! What did White Diamond do? Did she hurt you?
:'''Steven''': No, she was like, &quot;Welcome home.&quot; I don't think she understands that I'm not Pink Diamond. Where's Connie? And Garnet and Amethyst?
:'''Pearl''': They're still on the ship. ''[summons a hot dog bag]'' I'm only here because I'm bringing your things. And they consider me one of your things.
:'''Steven''': Yeesh.
:''[Diamond chime plays]''
:'''Pearl''': The Diamond chime -- it's Yellow.
:''[The door opens, revealing Yellow Pearl standing right there]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Diamond, my Diamond has requested your presence in the extraction chamber.
:'''Pearl''': Let's get you into a suit. ''[opens the bag]''
:''[Steven, wearing his yellow swimsuit, Pearl, and Yellow Pearl walk through a yellow hallway]''
:'''Steven''': Swim trunks don't seem very formal.
:'''Pearl''': Trust me, this will be more comfortable than jeans.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Diamond.
:'''Steven''': Please, call me Steven.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Steven.
:'''Steven''': No, just Steven.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Just Steven.
:'''Steven''': Call me... Lasagna.
:'''Pearl''': Steven, stop. You're going to break her. ''[opens the extraction chamber door]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Have a nice extraction, Pink Lasagna.
:''[Steven walks into the extraction chamber sauna]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Pink.
:'''Steven''': Hi, Yellow. Cool sauna.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': It's new. Have a seat. ''[Steven uses his floating powers to jump up and takes a seat]'' So, you met with White. How was it?
:'''Steven''': All I got to say was, &quot;Hi,&quot; and, &quot;um,&quot; and, &quot;I.&quot;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Two and a half words -- that's a record.
:'''Steven''': Two and a half words isn't enough. I still need to talk to White about healing all the corrupted Gems!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmm. Good luck. White never leaves her own head these days, and she never lets anyone in -- except you, I guess. It's so unfair. I have hundreds of successful crystal system colonies, but you get to see her because your one colony is a failure!
:'''Steven''': Maybe you should just… ''fail?''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[looks momentarily shocked, then starts laughing]'' Oh, Pink, you always did have quite a knack for making me laugh. You're almost worth the trouble.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Pearl''': ''[showing up]'' Pink Diamond, my Diamond was requested your presence.
:''[Steven, Pearl, and Blue Pearl walk down a blue hallway]''
:'''Steven''': We barely talked about White at all. She had to rush to do a report, and I couldn't go with her. I get they're, like, busy, 'cause they're dictators and everything, but I need more time! ''[gasps and face-palms]'' I should have asked her what she was doing after the Citron thing!
:'''Pearl''': She'll be at that for a while. Yellow Diamond oversees all aspects of Gem production on every single one of her colonies. And when she's not doing that, she's off with her army, conquering the next one.
:'''Steven''': What about their days off, weekends?
:'''Blue Pearl''': My Diamond is awaiting our arrival.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Pearl''': ''[turns to Pearl]'' Welcome back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': You're here! Come in.
:'''Steven''': Okay! ''[runs and jumps into the pool, laughing]'' Whoo-hoo! (''laughing'') It's funny! I -- I live right next to the ocean, but I end up going to space to swim.
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[laughs, causing the pool to shake a bit]'' You haven't changed. So silly. So small.
:'''Steven''': I'm not done growing. I'm not sure I can catch up to you and Yellow, though.
:'''Blue Diamond''': I'm so glad you're back... Steven.
:'''Steven''': Y-You actually said my name!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Steven. Steee-von? (''chuckles'') It's such a funny sounding name. You're so creative, Pink.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': (''sighs'') This is so weird. Was this some sort of spa day or something? And what about Pink? Did she have a job here, or did she just sit in a room while they were off doing whatever?
:'''Pearl''': Before her colony, Pink used to throw massive balls.
:'''Steven''': ''[surprised]'' She was a juggler?!
:'''Pearl''': No -- Well, yes. But she would also throw parties for the other Diamonds to mark their many accomplishments. Every member of every court would show up to bask in the presence of all four Diamonds.
:'''Steven''': Even White would come?
:'''Pearl''': Oh, yes! Huh. I wonder what's even become of Pink's court.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ♫ Oh, I'll get them all together in one place / And once we're all together face-to-face / I'll show them all the error of their ways / And stop their spread of terror across space! ♫

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I figured it out! Remember back when I was little and maybe kind of annoying, and I couldn't come along on adventures? You guys would still drop everything to hang out with me! That's Pink Diamond! I know I can do this! Just watch -- I'm gonna throw a huge ball, and I'm gonna invite everyone!

===''Together Alone''===
:'''Pearl''': The Pebbles have been working all night. What do you think?
:'''Steven''': It almost feels like home.
:'''Garnet''': Almost.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': A ball? We haven't had a ball in 6,000 years.
:'''Blue Diamond''': We haven't had Pink in 6,000 years!
:'''Steven''': Yeah! When White Diamond shows up we can tell her why we need her help on Earth!
:'''Blue Diamond''': And, this can also mark the beginning of Era 3.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You're right, it's brilliant.
:'''Steven''': Thank you, Yellow! Thank you, Blue!
:'''Blue Diamond''': If White is going to be there everything has to be perfect! Pink, can you manage this on your own? Our Pearls can help you get started.
:'''Blue Pearl''': At your service, Pink Diamond.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Make sure you go through all of our customs with Pink, since she has so much trouble recalling her past here on Homeworld.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Yes, My Diamond.
:'''Pearl''': Era 3! Steven, you're already changing the world!
:'''Steven''': Yeah! Come on, party Pearls!
:'''Yellow and Blue Pearl''': We are at your command, Pink Diamond.
:'''Steven''': Just call me Steven.
:'''Yellow and Blue Pearl''': Whatever you command, Pink Diamond.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': Balloons everywhere! Confetti cannons too!
:'''Amethyst''': Dibs on being the confetti cannon!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Cannons are ''forbidden'' inside palace walls. These &quot;balloons&quot; you're referring to, are unprecedented and therefore out of the question.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Diamond! Your subjects will do the dancing for you! Why would a Diamond want to dance?
:'''Steven''': Because dancing's fun!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': What is &quot;fun&quot;?
:'''Connie''': You know, it's when you do something you wanna do, just because it feels good.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': I don't think we do that here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': The Sapphire will need to enter with the other Sapphires of course, and the Ruby will need to enter with the guard.
:'''Steven''': Woah, woah, woah. Are you talking about Garnet?
:'''Blue Diamond''': Garnet? Does &quot;that&quot; call herself a Garnet? What would you have her do? Enter with the Demantoids, the Hessonites, the Pyropes? Pink, I'm being very generous, but you can't expect me to-
:'''Garnet''': I won't go.
:'''Steven''': Garnet?
:'''Blue Diamond''': At least the Sapphire in there has some sense.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Everyone, behold! The daunting, beauty and elegance that is, Yellow Diamond!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Not a bad turnout, Pink.
:'''Steven''': I appreciate your attendance, Yellow.
:'''Blue Pearl''': Ahem, everyone prepare yourselves emotionally for the overpowering elegance that is, Blue Diamond.
:'''Blue Diamond''': You're doing great.
:'''Steven''': Thank you, Blue.
:'''White Pearl''': To those in attendance of the Era 3 ball, White Diamond... has more important things to attend to.
:'''Steven''': WHAT?!
:'''White Pearl''': Therefore, I will be here to observe in her place. Welcome to Era 3.
:'''Steven''': Gra!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': (''through gritted teeth'') Pink, what are you doing?!
:'''Stevonnie''': I was just dancing! (''sees they have fused and everybody else looks in shock'')
:'''Blue Diamond''': Pink, this is completely unacceptable! Unfuse or I'll make you!
:''[Ruby and Sapphire fuse and become Garnet]''
:'''Garnet''': You'll have to go through me!
:'''Pearl''': (''gasp'') And me! (''Runs over to Amethyst and fuses into Opal'')
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah!
:''[two jades quickly fuse as well]''
:'''Lemon Jade''': And me! ''[Opal and Stevonnie look at Garnet, and she shrugs]'' I knew it! I knew I couldn't be the only one!
:''[Yellow Diamond strikes the Jade Fusion, Opal, and Garnet with her lightning powers, causing them all to poof]''
:'''Stevonnie''': Opal! Garnet!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Pink, you've gone too far even for you. ''[picks up Stevonnie and throws them into a dark room]'' Stay in here and think about what you've done!
:'''Stevonnie''': No, wait!
:''[Yellow Diamond closes the door, ends the episode]''

===''Escapism''===
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[singing]'' ♫ I guess I have to face, that in this awful place, I shouldn't show a trace... of doubt. / But pulled against the grain, I feel a little pain, that I would rather do... without. / I'd rather be free-ee-ee, free-ee-ee, free... / I'd rather be free-ee-ee, free-ee-ee, free... / Free-ee-ee, free-ee-ee, free... / from here. ♫

===''Change Your Mind''===
:'''Steven''': ''[wakes up and looks up at the prison tower window]'' Oh, right -- prison.
:''[Blue Diamond enters]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': I cannot believe you! Making a scene like that.
:''' Steven''': We weren't trying to make a scene! We were just... ''[turns to see that Connie is not present]'' dancing?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': I cannot believe you -- making a scene like that!
:'''Steven''': Whoa -- dejá blue.
:'''Connie''': We didn't mean any harm! I asked Steven to dance; he wasn't trying to cause trouble!
:'''Blue Diamond''': What do you know about this, human?
:'''Connie''': ''[chuckles]'' You think I've never been grounded before?
:'''Blue Diamond''': &quot;Grounded?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': This isn't normal. How many times did you lock her in here? How many times did you make her cry?!
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[defensive]'' I didn't, I... and I'm doing it again... aren't I?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What... are you doing?
:'''Steven''': I'm taking back my friends!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[closes her eyes as she looks up from Steven to readdress Blue; annoyed]'' What are you doing, Blue? Take Pink back to the tower.
:'''Blue Diamond''': She prefers to be called &quot;Steven.&quot;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[slams her hand so forcefully against her throne that it cracks, stands up and assumes an angered stance]'' What are you talking about?! You can't keep bending the rules for her, Blue! She has to set an example, and ''we'' have to set an example! If we bend the rules for her, we have to bend them for everyone!
:'''Connie''': Well, maybe you should!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Take them back to the tower, now!
:'''Blue Diamond''': I won't.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Then I'll do it myself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': When we thought Pink was shattered, when she abandoned us, I alone was there for you, and you would use your power against &lt;big&gt;'''ME?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You'd hurt a fellow Diamond?!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Didn't we hurt Pink?! She was suffering in silence for ages -- just like our Gems -- just like me! And I know ''you're'' suffering in silence, too!
:''[Yellow Diamond claps her fist and uses her lightning power on Blue, causing her to begin to destabilize and scream]''
:'''Steven''': Stop! ''[pulls out his shield and chucks it towards Yellow Diamond's hand, disrupting her concentration]'' You don't have to do this!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Yes, I do! This is what White Diamond expects of all of us. From a thin flake of mica to the deepest, hardest stone, we all must make sacrifices for the sake of our perfect empire.
:'''Steven''': Does ''this'' look perfect to you?! My dad says if every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn't have hot dogs.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': And that means... what?
:'''Steven''': It means if you try and make this empire perfect -- if you just wipe away everything you see as flawed -- you lose all the things that make you happy -- like hot dogs.
:'''Blue Diamond''': Or our Pink.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Uhh... ''[falls to the ground on her knees in an uncharacteristic emotional breakdown]'' Stop. Stop it, Blue. Stop using your power on me...!
:'''Blue Diamond''': I'm not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': Hey, White, I know I was in there with you for a second, but I barely got to talk to you at all. There are so many Gems that are hurting right now. Even Blue and Yellow are hurting. You should hear what they have to say. ''[to Blue and Yellow; whispers]'' This is it.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[struggling]'' We... W-we... We need to talk! About us. I've conquered so many worlds for the sake of the empire. I do everything you ask, and I do it all perfectly. But your very high standards put us all under a ''lot'' of pressure. A Gem could crack under so much pressure. We Diamonds may be hard, but we're also brittle.
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[steps forward]'' White, we used to be close. Don't you remember? When Pink would make us laugh -- all those silly things she did for no reason. There was a reason. She wanted us to be happy together. But we weren't, and we're still not. I know my purpose isn't to be happy, but I find it harder and harder to enforce your rules when they make me miserable. When they make us all miserable.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rainbow Quartz 2.0''': Well, what do you know? It's Rainbow 2.0! Now, this is a fine mess we're in. (''gasps'') That won't do. (''blows raspberry'') Rainbow Quartz powers, activate! Ah, yes. Now that's two stones, with one bird.
:''[Steven and new reformed Pearl unfuse]''
:'''Amethyst''': Wow! Nice form, Pearl.
:'''Pearl''': Oh, ''[chuckles]'' thank you. I'm particularly excited about the jacket. Aah! Steven! We fused!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sunstone''': Awwwwwwwwwww yeah! You better step off! Chillax, my dudes. Your rockin' pal Sunstone is holdin' it down.
:'''Pearl''': Wow!
:'''Amethyst''': Holy...
:'''Connie''': All right!
:'''Peridot''': Unbelievable!
:'''Sunstone''': Oh, you better believe it.
:'''Peridot''': Okay!
:'''Connie''': Sunstone, what are we gonna do? White Diamond's never going to listen, and she's never going to let us leave.
:'''Sunstone''': If she won't listen, we'll ''make'' her listen.
:'''Amethyst''': And ''how'' are we gonna do that?
:'''Sunstone''': I know she's in there. We'll bust into her head and change her mind.
:'''Everyone''': Right!
:'''Sunstone''': Let's take that bully down! ''[to the viewers]'' But remember kids: if you ever have to deal with a bully, be sure to tell an adult. ''[yanks Pearl and Amethyst onto their shoulders and sprints towards the giant pink foot of the ship]'' Ally-oop! ''[summons her suction cups]'' Kids, don't try this at home. Ha! Bungacowa!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': We need to be bigger.
:'''Steven''': Then let's fuse. All four of us. It's the only way we're gonna get up to her head.
:'''Amethyst''': I'm in!
:'''Pearl''': I'm in, too.
:'''Garnet''': Then it's decided. It's time to form Obsidian.
:''[Connie, Bismuth, Peridot, and Lapis back away to give some space for Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, and Steven to perform their fusion dance; Obsidian is formed by letting out a big loud cry for battle]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[amazed]'' They're HU-U-U-U-GE!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': You're wrong! I'm not my mom!
:'''White Diamond''': But don't you know things about her that you couldn't possibly know?
:'''Steven''': I-I've just been connecting with her. My powers, they-they help me to connect to others. I'm not her. I'm just feeling her feelings.
:'''White Diamond''': Isn't it obvious? Even though you've embedded yourself in that human child, your light can't help shining through!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connie''': Don't listen to her Steven! She's just trying to mess with you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''White Diamond''': What is this?! Where is Pink?
:'''Pink Steven''': She's gone.
:'''White Diamond''': What did you say? Answer me!
:'''Pink Steven''': ''[shouting]'' She's &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''GO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-NE!!!!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''White Diamond''': Agh! Don't you raise your shield at me! I only want you to be yourself! If you can't do that, I'll do it &lt;big&gt;FOR YOU!!!&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connie''': Steven! ''[rushes to Steven and hugs him]'' Are you back together? Are you you?
:'''Steven''': Yeah. Yeah! I’m me! I’ve always been me.
:'''White Diamond''': ''NO!'' You are Pink Diamond! That is Pink Diamond's gem! You do not look like this! You do not sound like this! You are not half-human! You're just... acting like a child!
:'''Steven''': I ''am'' a child. What's your excuse?
:'''White Diamond''': ''[starts blushing, and notices the Gems under her control doing the same]'' What's happening? What is this? What's wrong with them? They're turning... pink! I don't understand, I'm in control, I-- ''[gasps]'' Something's wrong! With ME! No!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''White Diamond''': What is this? I feel... ridiculous. Yellow, Blue...
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[gasps]'' She's off-color...
:'''White Diamond''': This can't be happening. I can't have a flaw, I'm supposed to be flawless! If I'm not perfect then... who am I? If you're not Pink, then... who are you? Who is ''anyone?''
:'''Steven''': You know, if you just let everyone be whoever they are, maybe you could let yourself be whoever you are too.
:'''White Diamond''': But I'm not supposed to be like this! I'm supposed to know better, I'm supposed to ''be'' better, I'm supposed to make ''everything'' better!
:'''Steven''': You can. But first, you're gonna have to leave your own head.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Padparadscha''': I predict our long journey through space will soon be over.
:'''Lars''': Welcome home, guys.
:'''Rhodonite''': We finally made it! Earth! No more running, no more hiding! No more Diamond Authority! ''[they notice the Diamonds, who have heard everything]'' Well, we're cracked.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sadie''': Lars... Look at you! You're... you're a space pirate!
:'''Lars''': Look at you! You're a rock star!
:'''Sadie''': ''[Laughs] Well... ''[Laughs]''
:''[They both laugh in unison]''
:'''Lars''': I think it suits us!
:'''Sadie''': Yeah. Me, too!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[singing]'' ♫ I don’t need you to respect me, I respect me. / I don’t need you to love me, I love me. / But I want you to know you could know me, / If you change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind, / If you change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind, / If you change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind, / Change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind. ♫

[[Category:Steven Universe seasons]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3147938</id>
      <parentid>3147937</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T00:31:57Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
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      <comment>/* Your Mother and Mine */</comment>
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      <text bytes="49466" xml:space="preserve">----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]]
----
{{italic title}}
The following is a list of quotes from the fifth season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''.

===''Stuck Together''===
:'''Aquamarine''': Say, Rose, how do I look?
:'''Steven''': Awful, small and mean!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Topaz''': What was I thinking?
:'''Aquamarine''': That's the problem with you fusions. Sooner or later, you will become ''sentimental.'' ''[the ship rumbles, coming to a stop and a notification pops up]'' We're here. Look, just… unfuse, and we'll never speak of this again.

===''The Trial''===
:'''Steven''': ''[speaking to himself]'' I know my mom did something really bad. Whatever Homeworld has in store for me… I'M READY!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prosecuting Zircon''': Defending a rebel? Isn't that… ''treason?'' ''[chuckles]''
:'''Defense Zircon''': I was ''assigned'' to this!
:''[Blue and Yellow Pearl warp in]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': All rise for the luminous Yellow Diamond! ''[poses]''
:'''Blue Pearl''': And the lustrous Blue Diamond. ''[bows]''
:''[Blue and Yellow Diamond warp in behind them, staring down at Steven]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[looking around]'' Where is the accused?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[looks down at Steven]'' Is that Rose Quartz? Look at this ''hideous'' she's taken. Forget the trial, we should shatter just for looking like that.
:'''Blue Diamond''': No. I want to hear her make her case. I want to know what she thinks we're going to do with her. Because  I want to do something ''worse''.
:''[Steven gulps nervously]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[warps in their throne chairs]'' Fine. Let's just get on with it, shall we?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I did it!
:'''Defense Zircon''': Wha… What, what?! Stop!
:'''Blue Diamond''': No! I want to hear what she has to say.
:''[Steven is elevated up to the Diamonds' height]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': State your name for the record, please.
:'''Steven''': I, um… I am Rose Quartz… and I'm guilty.
:'''Defense Zircon''': Wait! No, don't say that!
:'''Steven''': Everything you guys I did, I did. And I did it by myself. I'm sorry. I'll accept any punishment you want to give me. ''[points down to Lars]'' Just let him go! And leave the Earth alone.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Ha! Sounds like a solid confession to me.
:'''Blue Diamond''': How? How did you do it? How did you shatter Pink Diamond?
:'''Steven''': ''[nervously]'' Um, well…I did it on Earth in front of Pink Diamond's palanquin. I was probably like &quot;Stop!&quot; And she was all like, &quot;No!&quot; So we fought -- I think. And she probably did some cool moves. I probably did some cool stuff, too, some jump-kicks and stuff. But I was most likely deeply conflicted about deciding to shatter her. Definitely crying. I probably had to use the Breaking Point to do it.
:'''Blue Diamond''': It was a ''sword!'' ''[covers her eyes, crying and a blue light fills the room, making everyone except Lars tear up]'' You… shattered her… with a sword! ''[starts sobbing]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[walks up and comforts Blue]'' That's quite enough testimony from you! We shall take a short recess.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Defense Zircon''': What are you saying in there?! &quot;Maybe&quot; this, &quot;probably&quot; that! Oh, what do you mean, ''probably''?!
:'''Steven''': Look I just... I don't actually know how it happened, okay?
:'''Defense Zircon''': You don't ''know''?!
:'''Steven''': I...
:'''Defense Zircon''': ''[grabs Steven by the shirt collar and picks him up]'' Don't tumble my rocks! Both our gems are on the line! Did you do this or not?!
:'''Steven''': It was me, alright! ''[Defense Zircon let's go of his shirt and drops him]'' Rose Quartz did it, and I've got her gem, so I'm the one who's got to pay for this.
:'''Defense Zircon''': You don't know how it happened. ''[Steven shakes his head]'' I get it. There's a reason they want you to explain how you did it.
:'''Steven''': Huh?
:'''Defense Zircon''': It's because it doesn't make sense!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You think you can get away, Rose? You stood your ground on that little speck called Earth. But you're on ''our'' world now.

===''Off Colors''===
:'''Padparadscha''': Oh my gosh, something incredible is going to happen to Lars!

===''Lars' Head''===
:'''Steven''': But it doesn't feel right to just leave you here.
:'''Lars''': You said yourself that everyone on this planet is out to get you. You won't be safe until you're back on Earth.
:'''Steven''': But, Lars--
:'''Lars''': Don't argue with me! You're always trying to help me. You brought me back to life. Just let me be somebody who deserved it.

===''Dewey Wins''===

===''Gemcation''===

===''Raising the Barn''===

===''Back to the Kindergarten''===
:'''Peridot''': This used to make sense to me. I thought life was generated in a kindergarten. Formless, aimless energy channeled into new, useful gems. But life doesn't start in a kindergarten. It ends here. I've gotten used to plants everywhere. Bugs and breeze and sunshine...all of that has been sucked out of this place. 

===''Sadie Killer''===

===''Kevin Party''===

===''Lars of the Stars''===
:'''Emerald''': ''[on screen]'' It's over! I've got you now you miserable off-colors!
:'''Lars''': You'll ''never'' take us alive, Emerald!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lars''': You don't get it, do you, Steven? ''[starts tearing up and sniffles]'' It should be me. ''[starts crying]'' ''I'm'' the one that should be hanging out with the Cool Kids! She's getting back at me for everything I've done!
:'''Connie''': Do you really think Sadie is living her life ''just'' to get back at you?
:'''Lars''': Why else would she be having so much fun without me?!
:'''Steven''': Because life goes on, no matter what happens. She was so upset when she found out you'd be stuck in space, Lars. She really misses you, but, she can't stay sad forever. She started hanging out with the Cool Kids. She quit the Big Donut, all because she needed to do ''something'' to feel better.
:'''Connie''': And look at you! Steven said you'd be hiding in some cave on Homeworld, but you're not! You're out here fighting for freedom with all your new friends in tow! Are ''you'' doing any of this to hurt Sadie?
:'''Lars''': No! I'm doing this because I have to. ''[tears up]'' I'd never do this to hurt Sadie because-
:'''Steven''': Because!
:'''Connie''': Because!
:'''Both''': Because you're best friends!
:''[Lars watches them fuse into Stevonnie]''
:'''Stevonnie''': And best friends wouldn't do anything to hurt each other!

===''Jungle Moon''===
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[squealing in excitement]'' Whoa, cool! Yellow! ''[jumps up to her chair]'' Hey, Yellow.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Oh, you're still here.
:'''Stevonnie''': What are you doing?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm commanding the dropships to colonize this planet.
:'''Stevonnie''': I wanna command a dropship!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Well, when you have your ''own'' colony, you can command whatever you want.
:'''Stevonnie''': I want a colony! ''[Yellow Diamond presses buttons on the panel with four diamonds]'' I want one now! ''[screen unlocks revealing a dropship on the panel]'' What's this?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm contacting the leader of the fleet.
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[amazed]'' Let me do it! ''[starts pressing buttons on the screen but Yellow Diamond grabs her arm]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[angrily]'' DON'T TOUCH THAT!
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[irritated]'' Why ''not''? You have so many worlds and I don't even have ''one''! It's not fair! I want ONE! I want my own ''army''! I want my own ''planet''! I deserve it! I'm just as important as ''YOU''!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[angrily]'' Then why don't you act like it, Pink?!
:''[Stevonnie walks away, holding their arm, angry; approach a window and their fist clenches; Pink Diamond is seen through their reflection and the hand punches the glass smashing it; She suddenly wakes up from the dream, falling out of the hammock on the ground]''
:'''Stevonnie''': (''talking through Connie'') Whoa! ''[breathing hard]'' Steven, what was that? (''talking through Steven'') Diamonds. I'm having Diamond dreams again. But, why now? Why ''here''? ''[looks up and see a mural of Yellow Diamond]'' No way.

===''Your Mother and Mine''===
:'''Garnet''': Come on, everyone. Let me tell you the story of the ''real'' Rose Quartz. ''[Flashback story begins; narrating]'' It was Era 1. The Diamonds, unique in their flawlessness, sought to expand their perfection across the galaxy. And it was for this purpose that Pink Diamond chose her first colony-- the planet Earth. On Earth, every Gem was made to serve Pink Diamond, each with a role to play in her world's perfect empire. In comparison to their creator, their existence was ordinary. They were life-forms only meant to fit their mold, and no one had ever dared to think otherwise. Until, there was Rose Quartz. In stature, she was no different than any other Quartz. And for a time, she did her best to carry out her Diamond's bidding. However, she began to take notice of her strange colony and the life that existed there. Curiosity turned to appreciation. Appreciation turned to fondness. And fondness… turned to love. Soon she was unable to keep her findings secret, and she began asking her fellow Gems if they knew of the life on Earth and what they made of it. She continued to pry her fellow Kindergartners with questions ''so'' odd, that word of her eventually made its way to Pink Diamond. Rose Quartz was summoned at once.
:'''Pink Diamond''': Quartz, what have you been saying down there?
:'''Rose''': My Diamond, it has come to my attention that your colony, Earth, bears life. While I know these organic life-forms serve no purpose, I ask that we leave this planet and spare their lives.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Pink Diamond thought for a moment, and then laughed, a wicked, empty sound.
:'''Pink Diamond''': ''[laughing]'' You wish to save these life-forms at the expense of our own? Ha! Don't be absurd. Return to your post, and I will forget your insolence.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' And with that, Rose Quartz was dragged back to her kindergarten for duty. ''[A gem drags Rose away and she continues working]'' Only Rose could no longer stand to continue aiding in the destruction of Earth. She had no choice. She had to fight.
:'''Rose''': ''[stops working and jumps into the air, changing her uniform into a dress before destroying an injector, stands on the broken injector and speaks to the other Quartzes]'' Is this what you want -- to inject, to build?! I've seen the life that exists for itself, and it lives here! Will you destroy it, or will you join it?
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Rose's message began to resonate to Pink Diamond's dismay. Her colony was falling apart. So, like a coward, she called for her Diamond allies, Yellow and Blue, to help. But Rose also found herself with allies, other Gems that were cast out for being wrong-- a Pearl who belonged to no one… a Bismuth who built weapons for rebels instead of towers for tyrants… An entirely new fusion, for not power, but for love… And countless others, all inspired by Rose to live for ourselves on Earth. She was our leader. And Earth was our precious home. And those who fought to save it became known as…the Crystal Gems!
:'''Rhodonite''': Unbelievable!
:'''Rutile Twins''': There were Gems like us?
:'''Padparadscha''': Fighting.
:'''Fluorite''': For… their… freedom?
:'''Garnet''': Yes, and we were fearless! ''[Flashback resumes; narrating]'' It was an impossible fight, but we fought anyway. And the more Gems who saw us, the more who joined. But Pink Diamond's forces proved too strong. Rose feared that soon she would have nothing left to protect. Rose Quartz drew her rebel blade… and shattered Pink Diamond, saving the Earth for all time from her reign of terror.
:'''Rutile Twins''': Wow! That's incredible! I don't believe it!
:'''Lars''': ''[to Steven]'' Your mom did all that? That's awesome!
:'''Rhodonite''': Wait. What about the rest? What happened after that?
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The other Diamonds were furious. In a last-ditch attempt to wipe out the Rebellion, the Diamonds launched a direct attack against Earth. And in their fury, they used their powers to end the fighting once and for all.
:'''Padparadscha''': I predict this story won't have a happy ending.
:'''Rutile Twins''': We were all told different stories. But they all ended the same way.
:'''Fluorite''': With Rose Quartz… being… defeated.
:'''Rhodonite''': This new version of the story is even worse! So, she was great, and they beat her? What are we supposed to get out of this -- that we can never win?!
:'''Garnet''': We haven't yet, but we can, and we will. They said they annihilated Rose's rebellion, but here ''we'' are. They said they annihilated all of you on Homeworld, but here ''you'' are! They think they have us on the run, but they're the ones that are running from the truth. And the truth is we... are... everywhere!
:'''Rhodonite''': But how many more of us can there be?
:'''Steven''': Way more than you think! I was only on Homeworld for, like, an hour before I ran in to you guys. There must be Off Colors all over the place.
:'''Garnet''': Rose used to say there was something about Earth -- something that set Gems free. But it's not just Earth. Look at you. Love, freedom -- it's universal. You all prove it every moment you live as yourselves. You can show everyone.
:'''Fluorite''': We… can do that?
:'''Lars''': Not while we're floating out here like sitting ducks.

===''The Big Show''===

===''Pool Hopping''===
:'''Garnet''': I think I get it.
:'''Steven''': Hm?
:'''Garnet''': Why my future vision has been so off. I have to change the way I think about you. 
:'''Steven''': What?
:'''Garnet''': I've been looking into probable futures where you act like a child. I keep expecting you to run from responsibility and to turn to me for help, but you don't do that anymore. Those futures aren't probable at all. There's nothing wrong with this timeline or my future vision. I just need to factor in that you've grown up.

===''Letters to Lars''===

===''Can't Go Back''===
:'''Blue Diamond''': But this is what you wanted.
:'''Steven''': ''[wakes up and gasps; turns to see Lapis is nowhere to be seen]'' Lapis? ''[turns forward to the silhouettes of Blue, Yellow, and Pink Diamond]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': You begged us for a colony of your own, and now all you want to do is be rid of it. First there were too many organics. Then their cities were too difficult to dismantle, and -- and now these Crystal Gems. We're tired of your excuses, Pink. We're tired of your excuses, Pink.
:'''Steven''': The Diamonds.
:'''Blue Diamonds''': This Rose Quartz can't hurt you. You can't be swayed by a few unruly Gems. ''[Holds her hand up as Pink Diamond is about to say something]'' Enough! You must understand, you are a Diamond. Everyone on this planet is looking to you. You don't even have to do anything. Just smile and wave. Show everyone you're unfazed by this little uprising. Your Gems will fall into line, and these Crystal Gems will be no more. As long as you are there to rule, this colony will be completed.

===''A Single Pale Rose''===
:'''Steven''': It better not turn out that her phone was in her pocket...or she left it on the dresser or dropped it in the toilet. Seems about as likely as putting it away in your repressed war memories.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Steven returns from Pearl's gem after learning the truth about how Rose Quartz &quot;shattered&quot; Pink Diamond]''
:'''Steven''': I know.  
:'''Pearl''': ''[tearing up]'' I wanted to tell you for ''so'' long.
:'''Steven''': Mom was Pink Diamond.
:''[Garnet and Amethyst stand in shock behind Steven]''
:'''Amethyst''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAAAAAAAAAT?!?'''&lt;/big&gt;

===''Now We're Only Falling Apart''===
:'''Amethyst''': Let me get this straight. Rose Quartz, leader of the Crystal Gems, Steven's mom, was actually Pink Diamond?!
:'''Steven''': She faked her own shattering, and reformed to be Rose all the time.
:'''Pearl''': Pink Diamond's final command to me was that no one could know, but now that Steven does, I can finally tell you all everything!
:'''Amethyst''': Phew! I mean, a pink lion, a pink sword, and now Pink Diamond?! Huh, if you told me Rose invented cotton candy, I'd believe it. Right, Garnet? Uh, Garnet?
:'''Garnet''': ''[shaking and gets up]'' Rose. She... she... ''[struggles to stay stable and defuses into Ruby and Sapphire]''
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire...
:'''Sapphire''': ''[betrayed and heartbroken with fury]'' '''SHE LIED TO US!''' She lied about EVERYTHING! She held our hands, looked us right in the eyes, and told us to never question who we are as Garnet. We never questioned ourselves, or her!
:'''Ruby''': We couldn't have known!
:'''Sapphire''': No, you couldn't have known. You never know what's going on. That's what I'm for!
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire...
:'''Sapphire''': But I never looked into her, I trusted her... I let her make fools of us all!
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire, wait!
:'''Steven''': Guys! ''[slips on the ice Sapphire had caused due to her stress]''
:'''Ruby''': Please...We can just stay calm and talk about this, right? Let's just, talk.
:'''Sapphire''': Talk about what? How our relationship is based on a lie? What else is there to say? ''[warps to Rose's Fountain]''
:'''Pearl''': Ruby, I am so sorry...
:'''Steven''': Come on, Pearl. Help me explain everything to Sapphire.
:'''Pearl''': Right.
:'''Steven''': Sit tight, Ruby. We'll go and get Sapphire.
:'''Ruby''': Okay. ''[starts crying]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sapphire''': ''[grieving]'' Everything we were running from, she was right there all along…using us for her little war…smiling at us with those knowing eyes… Making me believe in a better future that I couldn't see, because it wasn't real. And now here we are, our friends, shattered, and corrupted…of course she was a Diamond. What a long road she took to torture us all like this.
:'''Steven''': It wasn't like that. You know she didn't want anyone to get hurt.
:'''Sapphire''': I don't know that! I clearly don't know anything.
:'''Pearl''': You deserve to know everything. I was given to Pink Diamond a few thousand years before she was given the Earth. I was supposed to make her happy, I just never could.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': Is everything alright, my Diamond? You seem troubled.
:'''Rose''': All this life that's been growing wild here on Earth…none of it will survive my invasion. We're not creating life from nothing. We're ''taking'' life, and leaving nothing behind.
:'''Pearl''': Forgive me, my Diamond. I shouldn't have brought you to such a place.
:'''Rose''': No. I needed to see this.
:''[scene shifts back to the fountain]''
:'''Steven''': So she ''did'' want to protect Earth. She didn't realize what the colony was doing to the planet.
:'''Sapphire''': So what?! She suddenly started to care about Earth? Why did she have to rope us into all this? Why couldn't she just stop the colonization herself?
:'''Pearl''': She ''tried''. When she told the other Diamonds she didn't want to go through with the colony, they told her to finish what she started. When she told the other Diamonds she wanted to preserve life on Earth, they created the zoo and threw a handful of humans in. She did everything she could as Pink Diamond. But her status meant nothing to Blue and Yellow. So she decided to make a stand, as someone they couldn't ignore. She was going to scare every Gem off the planet. But everything changed when she saw…your fusion.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': Before Garnet, Rose was only fighting for Earth. But Garnet changed everything. Rose wanted to fight for her, she wanted to fight for Gems! And maybe she was foolish, and maybe even...selfish, but she was-
:'''Sapphire''': Following us.
:'''Pearl''': What?
:'''Sapphire''': This whole time, we thought we were following her, but she was following ''us''. How could she not after you swept her off her feet?

===''What's your Problem''===

===''The Question''===

===''Made of Honor''===
:'''Steven''': So, my Dad will finish playing the music, and then next you'll do the &quot;I do&quot;s. And then I'll say… &quot;I now pronounce you Garnet.&quot; And then you fuse! Everyone will cheer!
:'''Sapphire''': Everyone… who survived.
:'''Ruby''': Huh?
:'''Sapphire''': Oh, it's just… There's so many old friends who won't be able to come. All the Crystal Gems who were corrupted and bubbled in the basement.
:'''Ruby''': Maybe we could bring the bubbles up here?
:'''Sapphire''': No, no. It's not safe. We can't risk them getting out.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bismuth''': Hey everyone. Did you guys &quot;Bismi-th&quot; me?
:''[Pearl, Sapphire, Ruby and Amethyst drop their sodas simultaneously]''
:'''Peridot''': Ha! I win! Also, less importantly, who are you?
:'''Steven''': I… invited Bismuth! I hope that's cool.
:'''Sapphire''': ''[slowly walks up to her]'' Bismuth. ''[hugs her]''
:'''Bismuth''': Whoa, Sapphire!
:'''Pearl and Ruby''': Bismuth! ''[tackle her to the floor, and begin nuzzling her]''
:'''Sapphire''': You wouldn't believe what we've all been through. I'm so sorry! We should've-
:'''Bismuth''': Look, I'm right there with you, Steven filled me in.
:'''Peridot''': So, is anyone going to introduce me?
:'''Amethyst''': Let's give 'em some space.

===''Reunited''===
:'''Steven''': Dearly beloved Gems, humans, lions big and small, living gourds, Onion, we are gathered here today to celebrate Ruby and Sapphire, two of my favorite people, who combine into one of my ''other'' favorite people! You all probably know her as Garnet. She's their love, given form. Now it's your turn to talk about that.
:'''Ruby''': I know this is all kind of silly, I mean, we've been together for 5,750 years.
:'''Sapphire''': And 8 months.
:'''Ruby''': I used to feel like I wasn't much good, just one of me on my own. But when we're together, it feels like it's okay to just be me. So I wanna be me, with you, an-and, not even the Diamonds will come between us. And if they try, we'll beat em up!
:'''Sapphire''': Ruby, my future used to look like one single, obvious stream, unbending 'til the end of time. In an instant, you pulled me from that destiny and opened my eye to an explosion of infinite possible futures, streaking across space and time, altered and obliterated by the smallest force of will. ''[beat]'' What I mean is, you changed my life. And then, I changed your life. And now, we changed our lives.
:'''Steven''': Bismuth, the rings.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[gently bumps Bismuth]'' Hey Bismuth, that's your cue.
:''[Bismuth, touched and crying by the vows, approaches them with the rings]''
:'''Steven''': Ruby, do you take this Gem to have and to hold, on this and every other planet in the universe!?
:'''Ruby''': I DO!
:'''Steven''': And Sapphire, do you-
:'''Sapphire''': Yes.
:'''Steven''': ''[whispering]'' You didn't let me finish.
:'''Sapphire''': I'm just very excited.
:'''Steven''': Then by the power vested in me by the state of Delmarva, I now pronounce you… Garnet!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': What a wonderful idea. Humans found a way to make a moment's decision last forever. I won't need future vision to know I'll always remember this.
:'''Steven''': I'm so glad. ''[starts tearing up]''
:'''Garnet''': Oh no. I'm sorry. Don't cry.
:'''Steven''': ''[wipes off the tears]'' I guess seeing everyone together got me really choked up. ''[bigger tears begin flowing out of his eyes]'' Wait a second. You don't think…?
:'''Garnet''': ''[takes off her visor, opening her third eye]'' Blue Diamond!
:'''Steven''': She's here?!
:'''Garnet''': And she's not alone.
:''[The sky darkens quickly and everyone looks up to the sky, seeing Blue and Yellow Diamond's ships approaching]''
:'''Steven''': Oh, no. It's the Diamonds! ''[runs up to Nanefua]'' Nanefua, get on your Nane-phone! We've got a code blue ''and'' a code yellow!
:'''Garnet''':
:''[As the Diamond ships approach the beach, they fly overhead them]''
:'''Peridot''': WE'RE OVER HERE, YOU CLODS!
:'''Pearl''': Wha- where are they going?!
:'''Steven''': If they're not here for us, they must be here for the Cluster!
:'''Bismuth''': What's the Cluster?
:'''Steven''': It's a huge earth-destroying geo-weapon that the Diamonds made out of a bajillion gem shards!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': You cannot fathom how much I've mourned, what thousands of years of grief has done to me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': I know this sword. This is the sword that '''SHATTERED HER!''' ''[shatters the sword as Steven gasps, which made Connie fall down only to be caught by Lion]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Blue Diamond!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Who are you supposed to be?
:'''Garnet''': I am the will of two Gems to care for each other, to protect each other from any threat, no matter how vast or how cruel. You couldn't stop me 5,750 years ago, and you can't stop me now!
:'''Blue Diamond''': It's you, that Ruby and Sapphire that disrupted my court.
:'''Garnet''': This is supposed to be MY day!
:'''Blue Diamond''': You hope to defeat me by clinging to my feet?
:'''Garnet''': I just needed to keep you from taking three steps to the right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': Lapis Lazuli? Does every Gem that comes in contact with this planet turn traitor?!
:'''Lapis''': I've felt ''worse.''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': With all our strength together, we can take her down!
:'''Steven''': That's right! This is our home, our planet, our friends and family! We are the Crystal Gems!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Pathetic! You are &lt;big&gt;'''NOTHING!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Ha! I told her off, once. I can do it again. ''[jumps off Bismuth's hands and runs up to Yellow Diamond]'' Hey! Yellow Clod! '''''REMEMBER ME?!'''''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': No. ''[zaps and poofs Peridot to her gemstone]''
:'''Steven''': Stop! ''[jumps off Garnet's hands and runs up to the Diamonds]'' Don't do this! Listen to me, ''I'm'' the one you're missing! I'm Pink Diamond!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[shocked and angry]'' You! ''[charges towards Steven as he summons his shield]''
:'''Garnet''': Steven!
:''[Yellow Diamond stomps her foot on Steven in fury, knocking him out unconsciously]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lapis Lazuli''': What else have you got?! I've only just begun to fight! ''[gets zapped and poofed to her gemstone by Yellow Diamond]''
:'''Steven''': ''[shocked gasp]'' Lapis!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''How miserable. I knew Pink couldn't handle her own colony. But, I gave in. And now, I'm to blame for her fate.''
:'''Steven''': Ah, her thoughts are too strong!
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''What good will any of this do? The more I make these Gems suffer, the more I long to see you again, Pink.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': This feeling, I know it!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': It must be a trick! Show yourself, foe!
:'''Steven''': I'm not your foe. Please, just listen to me!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': There!
:'''Steven''': ''Please, the fighting has to stop. We aren't enemies. We're family. Please listen to me. I need you to know who I am!!!''
:'''Blue Diamond''': Impossible.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': This aura...
:'''Blue Diamond''': It's you! Pink!

===''Legs From Here to Homeworld''===
:'''Garnet''': We can't just hand Steven over to Blue Diamond, she's a shatterer!
:'''Bismuth''': She's not gonna hurt him, look at her. She really thinks he's one of them.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[sobbing loudly]'' Somebody make Blue Diamond stop!
:'''Connie''': Are you guys okay?
:'''Pearl''': It's just… ''[sniffles]'' Blue Diamond's power. She's obviously relieved that Pink Diamond wasn't shattered after all.
:''[Yellow Diamond tries to reactive her ship and Blue Diamond's, but are too damaged]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmm. How could you do this to us, Pink? Why did you let us think you were shattered? Why the strange disguise? Why are you doing a voice? Why didn't you say something at the trial?! And Blue, could you please stop crying? I can't see. ''[wipes her tears, splashing the Gems]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': Sorry. ''[sets Steven down]''
:'''Steven''': My mom kept it secret from everyone.
:'''Pearl''': Ahem.
:'''Steven''': Almost everyone.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What are you talking about?
:'''Steven''': Well, apparently, Mom… Oh, geez. You don't know what a mom is. Okay, Pink Diamond took the form of Rose Quartz permanently after faking her shattering. Then, Rose Quartz gave up ''that'' form to create a new life with my dad-- me. Rose passed her gemstone and some of her powers onto me, but that's all. I-I don't have any of Pink ''or'' Rose's memories. I'm sorry.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmm. I'm sure your memories are in there somewhere, Pink.
:'''Steven''': Actually, I go by &quot;Steven.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': We can only do so much, if it was the ''four'' of us.
:'''Blue Diamond''': Oh, no. We can't let ''her'' see this!
:'''Steven''': Who? Who do we need?!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What do you mean, &quot;who?&quot; White.
:'''Pearl''': ''[shocked]'' White Diamond?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While traveling to Homeworld]''
:'''Steven''': Should I have brought a gift for White Diamond? We ''are'' dropping in unexpectedly, and… I want to make a good first impression. Her help will mean everything for the Corrupted Gems.
:'''Pearl''': Steven...
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmph. &quot;Good impression&quot;? We'll be lucky if she ever ''speaks'' to us again after this.
:'''Steven''': But...
:'''Blue Diamond''': The thing is, White... can be... ''difficult''.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': When we show up in this ship, it will be irrefutable that the last 6,000 years are now the biggest galactic embarrassment that's ever happened. And ''we're'' the ones to blame. (''to Steven'') If you don't want to be in a bubble for the next few millennia, I suggest you let ''me'' do the talking.

===''Familiar''===
:'''Steven''': Pearl!
:'''Pearl''': Steven! ''[runs over to Steven and hugs him]'' Oh, thank the stars! You're okay! What did White Diamond do? Did she hurt you?
:'''Steven''': No, she was like, &quot;Welcome home.&quot; I don't think she understands that I'm not Pink Diamond. Where's Connie? And Garnet and Amethyst?
:'''Pearl''': They're still on the ship. ''[summons a hot dog bag]'' I'm only here because I'm bringing your things. And they consider me one of your things.
:'''Steven''': Yeesh.
:''[Diamond chime plays]''
:'''Pearl''': The Diamond chime -- it's Yellow.
:''[The door opens, revealing Yellow Pearl standing right there]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Diamond, my Diamond has requested your presence in the extraction chamber.
:'''Pearl''': Let's get you into a suit. ''[opens the bag]''
:''[Steven, wearing his yellow swimsuit, Pearl, and Yellow Pearl walk through a yellow hallway]''
:'''Steven''': Swim trunks don't seem very formal.
:'''Pearl''': Trust me, this will be more comfortable than jeans.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Diamond.
:'''Steven''': Please, call me Steven.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Steven.
:'''Steven''': No, just Steven.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Just Steven.
:'''Steven''': Call me... Lasagna.
:'''Pearl''': Steven, stop. You're going to break her. ''[opens the extraction chamber door]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Have a nice extraction, Pink Lasagna.
:''[Steven walks into the extraction chamber sauna]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Pink.
:'''Steven''': Hi, Yellow. Cool sauna.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': It's new. Have a seat. ''[Steven uses his floating powers to jump up and takes a seat]'' So, you met with White. How was it?
:'''Steven''': All I got to say was, &quot;Hi,&quot; and, &quot;um,&quot; and, &quot;I.&quot;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Two and a half words -- that's a record.
:'''Steven''': Two and a half words isn't enough. I still need to talk to White about healing all the corrupted Gems!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmm. Good luck. White never leaves her own head these days, and she never lets anyone in -- except you, I guess. It's so unfair. I have hundreds of successful crystal system colonies, but you get to see her because your one colony is a failure!
:'''Steven''': Maybe you should just… ''fail?''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[looks momentarily shocked, then starts laughing]'' Oh, Pink, you always did have quite a knack for making me laugh. You're almost worth the trouble.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Pearl''': ''[showing up]'' Pink Diamond, my Diamond was requested your presence.
:''[Steven, Pearl, and Blue Pearl walk down a blue hallway]''
:'''Steven''': We barely talked about White at all. She had to rush to do a report, and I couldn't go with her. I get they're, like, busy, 'cause they're dictators and everything, but I need more time! ''[gasps and face-palms]'' I should have asked her what she was doing after the Citron thing!
:'''Pearl''': She'll be at that for a while. Yellow Diamond oversees all aspects of Gem production on every single one of her colonies. And when she's not doing that, she's off with her army, conquering the next one.
:'''Steven''': What about their days off, weekends?
:'''Blue Pearl''': My Diamond is awaiting our arrival.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Pearl''': ''[turns to Pearl]'' Welcome back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': You're here! Come in.
:'''Steven''': Okay! ''[runs and jumps into the pool, laughing]'' Whoo-hoo! (''laughing'') It's funny! I -- I live right next to the ocean, but I end up going to space to swim.
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[laughs, causing the pool to shake a bit]'' You haven't changed. So silly. So small.
:'''Steven''': I'm not done growing. I'm not sure I can catch up to you and Yellow, though.
:'''Blue Diamond''': I'm so glad you're back... Steven.
:'''Steven''': Y-You actually said my name!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Steven. Steee-von? (''chuckles'') It's such a funny sounding name. You're so creative, Pink.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': (''sighs'') This is so weird. Was this some sort of spa day or something? And what about Pink? Did she have a job here, or did she just sit in a room while they were off doing whatever?
:'''Pearl''': Before her colony, Pink used to throw massive balls.
:'''Steven''': ''[surprised]'' She was a juggler?!
:'''Pearl''': No -- Well, yes. But she would also throw parties for the other Diamonds to mark their many accomplishments. Every member of every court would show up to bask in the presence of all four Diamonds.
:'''Steven''': Even White would come?
:'''Pearl''': Oh, yes! Huh. I wonder what's even become of Pink's court.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ♫ Oh, I'll get them all together in one place / And once we're all together face-to-face / I'll show them all the error of their ways / And stop their spread of terror across space! ♫

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I figured it out! Remember back when I was little and maybe kind of annoying, and I couldn't come along on adventures? You guys would still drop everything to hang out with me! That's Pink Diamond! I know I can do this! Just watch -- I'm gonna throw a huge ball, and I'm gonna invite everyone!

===''Together Alone''===
:'''Pearl''': The Pebbles have been working all night. What do you think?
:'''Steven''': It almost feels like home.
:'''Garnet''': Almost.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': A ball? We haven't had a ball in 6,000 years.
:'''Blue Diamond''': We haven't had Pink in 6,000 years!
:'''Steven''': Yeah! When White Diamond shows up we can tell her why we need her help on Earth!
:'''Blue Diamond''': And, this can also mark the beginning of Era 3.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You're right, it's brilliant.
:'''Steven''': Thank you, Yellow! Thank you, Blue!
:'''Blue Diamond''': If White is going to be there everything has to be perfect! Pink, can you manage this on your own? Our Pearls can help you get started.
:'''Blue Pearl''': At your service, Pink Diamond.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Make sure you go through all of our customs with Pink, since she has so much trouble recalling her past here on Homeworld.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Yes, My Diamond.
:'''Pearl''': Era 3! Steven, you're already changing the world!
:'''Steven''': Yeah! Come on, party Pearls!
:'''Yellow and Blue Pearl''': We are at your command, Pink Diamond.
:'''Steven''': Just call me Steven.
:'''Yellow and Blue Pearl''': Whatever you command, Pink Diamond.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': Balloons everywhere! Confetti cannons too!
:'''Amethyst''': Dibs on being the confetti cannon!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Cannons are ''forbidden'' inside palace walls. These &quot;balloons&quot; you're referring to, are unprecedented and therefore out of the question.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Diamond! Your subjects will do the dancing for you! Why would a Diamond want to dance?
:'''Steven''': Because dancing's fun!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': What is &quot;fun&quot;?
:'''Connie''': You know, it's when you do something you wanna do, just because it feels good.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': I don't think we do that here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': The Sapphire will need to enter with the other Sapphires of course, and the Ruby will need to enter with the guard.
:'''Steven''': Woah, woah, woah. Are you talking about Garnet?
:'''Blue Diamond''': Garnet? Does &quot;that&quot; call herself a Garnet? What would you have her do? Enter with the Demantoids, the Hessonites, the Pyropes? Pink, I'm being very generous, but you can't expect me to-
:'''Garnet''': I won't go.
:'''Steven''': Garnet?
:'''Blue Diamond''': At least the Sapphire in there has some sense.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Everyone, behold! The daunting, beauty and elegance that is, Yellow Diamond!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Not a bad turnout, Pink.
:'''Steven''': I appreciate your attendance, Yellow.
:'''Blue Pearl''': Ahem, everyone prepare yourselves emotionally for the overpowering elegance that is, Blue Diamond.
:'''Blue Diamond''': You're doing great.
:'''Steven''': Thank you, Blue.
:'''White Pearl''': To those in attendance of the Era 3 ball, White Diamond... has more important things to attend to.
:'''Steven''': WHAT?!
:'''White Pearl''': Therefore, I will be here to observe in her place. Welcome to Era 3.
:'''Steven''': Gra!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': (''through gritted teeth'') Pink, what are you doing?!
:'''Stevonnie''': I was just dancing! (''sees they have fused and everybody else looks in shock'')
:'''Blue Diamond''': Pink, this is completely unacceptable! Unfuse or I'll make you!
:''[Ruby and Sapphire fuse and become Garnet]''
:'''Garnet''': You'll have to go through me!
:'''Pearl''': (''gasp'') And me! (''Runs over to Amethyst and fuses into Opal'')
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah!
:''[two jades quickly fuse as well]''
:'''Lemon Jade''': And me! ''[Opal and Stevonnie look at Garnet, and she shrugs]'' I knew it! I knew I couldn't be the only one!
:''[Yellow Diamond strikes the Jade Fusion, Opal, and Garnet with her lightning powers, causing them all to poof]''
:'''Stevonnie''': Opal! Garnet!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Pink, you've gone too far even for you. ''[picks up Stevonnie and throws them into a dark room]'' Stay in here and think about what you've done!
:'''Stevonnie''': No, wait!
:''[Yellow Diamond closes the door, ends the episode]''

===''Escapism''===
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[singing]'' ♫ I guess I have to face, that in this awful place, I shouldn't show a trace... of doubt. / But pulled against the grain, I feel a little pain, that I would rather do... without. / I'd rather be free-ee-ee, free-ee-ee, free... / I'd rather be free-ee-ee, free-ee-ee, free... / Free-ee-ee, free-ee-ee, free... / from here. ♫

===''Change Your Mind''===
:'''Steven''': ''[wakes up and looks up at the prison tower window]'' Oh, right -- prison.
:''[Blue Diamond enters]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': I cannot believe you! Making a scene like that.
:''' Steven''': We weren't trying to make a scene! We were just... ''[turns to see that Connie is not present]'' dancing?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': I cannot believe you -- making a scene like that!
:'''Steven''': Whoa -- dejá blue.
:'''Connie''': We didn't mean any harm! I asked Steven to dance; he wasn't trying to cause trouble!
:'''Blue Diamond''': What do you know about this, human?
:'''Connie''': ''[chuckles]'' You think I've never been grounded before?
:'''Blue Diamond''': &quot;Grounded?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': This isn't normal. How many times did you lock her in here? How many times did you make her cry?!
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[defensive]'' I didn't, I... and I'm doing it again... aren't I?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What... are you doing?
:'''Steven''': I'm taking back my friends!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[closes her eyes as she looks up from Steven to readdress Blue; annoyed]'' What are you doing, Blue? Take Pink back to the tower.
:'''Blue Diamond''': She prefers to be called &quot;Steven.&quot;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[slams her hand so forcefully against her throne that it cracks, stands up and assumes an angered stance]'' What are you talking about?! You can't keep bending the rules for her, Blue! She has to set an example, and ''we'' have to set an example! If we bend the rules for her, we have to bend them for everyone!
:'''Connie''': Well, maybe you should!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Take them back to the tower, now!
:'''Blue Diamond''': I won't.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Then I'll do it myself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': When we thought Pink was shattered, when she abandoned us, I alone was there for you, and you would use your power against &lt;big&gt;'''ME?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You'd hurt a fellow Diamond?!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Didn't we hurt Pink?! She was suffering in silence for ages -- just like our Gems -- just like me! And I know ''you're'' suffering in silence, too!
:''[Yellow Diamond claps her fist and uses her lightning power on Blue, causing her to begin to destabilize and scream]''
:'''Steven''': Stop! ''[pulls out his shield and chucks it towards Yellow Diamond's hand, disrupting her concentration]'' You don't have to do this!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Yes, I do! This is what White Diamond expects of all of us. From a thin flake of mica to the deepest, hardest stone, we all must make sacrifices for the sake of our perfect empire.
:'''Steven''': Does ''this'' look perfect to you?! My dad says if every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn't have hot dogs.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': And that means... what?
:'''Steven''': It means if you try and make this empire perfect -- if you just wipe away everything you see as flawed -- you lose all the things that make you happy -- like hot dogs.
:'''Blue Diamond''': Or our Pink.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Uhh... ''[falls to the ground on her knees in an uncharacteristic emotional breakdown]'' Stop. Stop it, Blue. Stop using your power on me...!
:'''Blue Diamond''': I'm not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': Hey, White, I know I was in there with you for a second, but I barely got to talk to you at all. There are so many Gems that are hurting right now. Even Blue and Yellow are hurting. You should hear what they have to say. ''[to Blue and Yellow; whispers]'' This is it.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[struggling]'' We... W-we... We need to talk! About us. I've conquered so many worlds for the sake of the empire. I do everything you ask, and I do it all perfectly. But your very high standards put us all under a ''lot'' of pressure. A Gem could crack under so much pressure. We Diamonds may be hard, but we're also brittle.
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[steps forward]'' White, we used to be close. Don't you remember? When Pink would make us laugh -- all those silly things she did for no reason. There was a reason. She wanted us to be happy together. But we weren't, and we're still not. I know my purpose isn't to be happy, but I find it harder and harder to enforce your rules when they make me miserable. When they make us all miserable.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rainbow Quartz 2.0''': Well, what do you know? It's Rainbow 2.0! Now, this is a fine mess we're in. (''gasps'') That won't do. (''blows raspberry'') Rainbow Quartz powers, activate! Ah, yes. Now that's two stones, with one bird.
:''[Steven and new reformed Pearl unfuse]''
:'''Amethyst''': Wow! Nice form, Pearl.
:'''Pearl''': Oh, ''[chuckles]'' thank you. I'm particularly excited about the jacket. Aah! Steven! We fused!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sunstone''': Awwwwwwwwwww yeah! You better step off! Chillax, my dudes. Your rockin' pal Sunstone is holdin' it down.
:'''Pearl''': Wow!
:'''Amethyst''': Holy...
:'''Connie''': All right!
:'''Peridot''': Unbelievable!
:'''Sunstone''': Oh, you better believe it.
:'''Peridot''': Okay!
:'''Connie''': Sunstone, what are we gonna do? White Diamond's never going to listen, and she's never going to let us leave.
:'''Sunstone''': If she won't listen, we'll ''make'' her listen.
:'''Amethyst''': And ''how'' are we gonna do that?
:'''Sunstone''': I know she's in there. We'll bust into her head and change her mind.
:'''Everyone''': Right!
:'''Sunstone''': Let's take that bully down! ''[to the viewers]'' But remember kids: if you ever have to deal with a bully, be sure to tell an adult. ''[yanks Pearl and Amethyst onto their shoulders and sprints towards the giant pink foot of the ship]'' Ally-oop! ''[summons her suction cups]'' Kids, don't try this at home. Ha! Bungacowa!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': We need to be bigger.
:'''Steven''': Then let's fuse. All four of us. It's the only way we're gonna get up to her head.
:'''Amethyst''': I'm in!
:'''Pearl''': I'm in, too.
:'''Garnet''': Then it's decided. It's time to form Obsidian.
:''[Connie, Bismuth, Peridot, and Lapis back away to give some space for Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, and Steven to perform their fusion dance; Obsidian is formed by letting out a big loud cry for battle]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[amazed]'' They're HU-U-U-U-GE!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': You're wrong! I'm not my mom!
:'''White Diamond''': But don't you know things about her that you couldn't possibly know?
:'''Steven''': I-I've just been connecting with her. My powers, they-they help me to connect to others. I'm not her. I'm just feeling her feelings.
:'''White Diamond''': Isn't it obvious? Even though you've embedded yourself in that human child, your light can't help shining through!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connie''': Don't listen to her Steven! She's just trying to mess with you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''White Diamond''': What is this?! Where is Pink?
:'''Pink Steven''': She's gone.
:'''White Diamond''': What did you say? Answer me!
:'''Pink Steven''': ''[shouting]'' She's &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''GO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-NE!!!!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''White Diamond''': Agh! Don't you raise your shield at me! I only want you to be yourself! If you can't do that, I'll do it &lt;big&gt;FOR YOU!!!&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connie''': Steven! ''[rushes to Steven and hugs him]'' Are you back together? Are you you?
:'''Steven''': Yeah. Yeah! I’m me! I’ve always been me.
:'''White Diamond''': ''NO!'' You are Pink Diamond! That is Pink Diamond's gem! You do not look like this! You do not sound like this! You are not half-human! You're just... acting like a child!
:'''Steven''': I ''am'' a child. What's your excuse?
:'''White Diamond''': ''[starts blushing, and notices the Gems under her control doing the same]'' What's happening? What is this? What's wrong with them? They're turning... pink! I don't understand, I'm in control, I-- ''[gasps]'' Something's wrong! With ME! No!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''White Diamond''': What is this? I feel... ridiculous. Yellow, Blue...
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[gasps]'' She's off-color...
:'''White Diamond''': This can't be happening. I can't have a flaw, I'm supposed to be flawless! If I'm not perfect then... who am I? If you're not Pink, then... who are you? Who is ''anyone?''
:'''Steven''': You know, if you just let everyone be whoever they are, maybe you could let yourself be whoever you are too.
:'''White Diamond''': But I'm not supposed to be like this! I'm supposed to know better, I'm supposed to ''be'' better, I'm supposed to make ''everything'' better!
:'''Steven''': You can. But first, you're gonna have to leave your own head.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Padparadscha''': I predict our long journey through space will soon be over.
:'''Lars''': Welcome home, guys.
:'''Rhodonite''': We finally made it! Earth! No more running, no more hiding! No more Diamond Authority! ''[they notice the Diamonds, who have heard everything]'' Well, we're cracked.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sadie''': Lars... Look at you! You're... you're a space pirate!
:'''Lars''': Look at you! You're a rock star!
:'''Sadie''': ''[Laughs] Well... ''[Laughs]''
:''[They both laugh in unison]''
:'''Lars''': I think it suits us!
:'''Sadie''': Yeah. Me, too!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[singing]'' ♫ I don’t need you to respect me, I respect me. / I don’t need you to love me, I love me. / But I want you to know you could know me, / If you change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind, / If you change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind, / If you change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind, / Change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind. ♫

[[Category:Steven Universe seasons]]</text>
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    <revision>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-27T00:36:24Z</timestamp>
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]]
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{{italic title}}
The following is a list of quotes from the fifth season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''.

===''Stuck Together''===
:'''Aquamarine''': Say, Rose, how do I look?
:'''Steven''': Awful, small and mean!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Topaz''': What was I thinking?
:'''Aquamarine''': That's the problem with you fusions. Sooner or later, you will become ''sentimental.'' ''[the ship rumbles, coming to a stop and a notification pops up]'' We're here. Look, just… unfuse, and we'll never speak of this again.

===''The Trial''===
:'''Steven''': ''[speaking to himself]'' I know my mom did something really bad. Whatever Homeworld has in store for me… I'M READY!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prosecuting Zircon''': Defending a rebel? Isn't that… ''treason?'' ''[chuckles]''
:'''Defense Zircon''': I was ''assigned'' to this!
:''[Blue and Yellow Pearl warp in]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': All rise for the luminous Yellow Diamond! ''[poses]''
:'''Blue Pearl''': And the lustrous Blue Diamond. ''[bows]''
:''[Blue and Yellow Diamond warp in behind them, staring down at Steven]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[looking around]'' Where is the accused?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[looks down at Steven]'' Is that Rose Quartz? Look at this ''hideous'' she's taken. Forget the trial, we should shatter just for looking like that.
:'''Blue Diamond''': No. I want to hear her make her case. I want to know what she thinks we're going to do with her. Because  I want to do something ''worse''.
:''[Steven gulps nervously]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[warps in their throne chairs]'' Fine. Let's just get on with it, shall we?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I did it!
:'''Defense Zircon''': Wha… What, what?! Stop!
:'''Blue Diamond''': No! I want to hear what she has to say.
:''[Steven is elevated up to the Diamonds' height]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': State your name for the record, please.
:'''Steven''': I, um… I am Rose Quartz… and I'm guilty.
:'''Defense Zircon''': Wait! No, don't say that!
:'''Steven''': Everything you guys I did, I did. And I did it by myself. I'm sorry. I'll accept any punishment you want to give me. ''[points down to Lars]'' Just let him go! And leave the Earth alone.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Ha! Sounds like a solid confession to me.
:'''Blue Diamond''': How? How did you do it? How did you shatter Pink Diamond?
:'''Steven''': ''[nervously]'' Um, well…I did it on Earth in front of Pink Diamond's palanquin. I was probably like &quot;Stop!&quot; And she was all like, &quot;No!&quot; So we fought -- I think. And she probably did some cool moves. I probably did some cool stuff, too, some jump-kicks and stuff. But I was most likely deeply conflicted about deciding to shatter her. Definitely crying. I probably had to use the Breaking Point to do it.
:'''Blue Diamond''': It was a ''sword!'' ''[covers her eyes, crying and a blue light fills the room, making everyone except Lars tear up]'' You… shattered her… with a sword! ''[starts sobbing]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[walks up and comforts Blue]'' That's quite enough testimony from you! We shall take a short recess.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Defense Zircon''': What are you saying in there?! &quot;Maybe&quot; this, &quot;probably&quot; that! Oh, what do you mean, ''probably''?!
:'''Steven''': Look I just... I don't actually know how it happened, okay?
:'''Defense Zircon''': You don't ''know''?!
:'''Steven''': I...
:'''Defense Zircon''': ''[grabs Steven by the shirt collar and picks him up]'' Don't tumble my rocks! Both our gems are on the line! Did you do this or not?!
:'''Steven''': It was me, alright! ''[Defense Zircon let's go of his shirt and drops him]'' Rose Quartz did it, and I've got her gem, so I'm the one who's got to pay for this.
:'''Defense Zircon''': You don't know how it happened. ''[Steven shakes his head]'' I get it. There's a reason they want you to explain how you did it.
:'''Steven''': Huh?
:'''Defense Zircon''': It's because it doesn't make sense!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You think you can get away, Rose? You stood your ground on that little speck called Earth. But you're on ''our'' world now.

===''Off Colors''===
:'''Padparadscha''': Oh my gosh, something incredible is going to happen to Lars!

===''Lars' Head''===
:'''Steven''': But it doesn't feel right to just leave you here.
:'''Lars''': You said yourself that everyone on this planet is out to get you. You won't be safe until you're back on Earth.
:'''Steven''': But, Lars--
:'''Lars''': Don't argue with me! You're always trying to help me. You brought me back to life. Just let me be somebody who deserved it.

===''Dewey Wins''===

===''Gemcation''===

===''Raising the Barn''===

===''Back to the Kindergarten''===
:'''Peridot''': This used to make sense to me. I thought life was generated in a kindergarten. Formless, aimless energy channeled into new, useful gems. But life doesn't start in a kindergarten. It ends here. I've gotten used to plants everywhere. Bugs and breeze and sunshine...all of that has been sucked out of this place. 

===''Sadie Killer''===

===''Kevin Party''===

===''Lars of the Stars''===
:'''Emerald''': ''[on screen]'' It's over! I've got you now you miserable off-colors!
:'''Lars''': You'll ''never'' take us alive, Emerald!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lars''': You don't get it, do you, Steven? ''[starts tearing up and sniffles]'' It should be me. ''[starts crying]'' ''I'm'' the one that should be hanging out with the Cool Kids! She's getting back at me for everything I've done!
:'''Connie''': Do you really think Sadie is living her life ''just'' to get back at you?
:'''Lars''': Why else would she be having so much fun without me?!
:'''Steven''': Because life goes on, no matter what happens. She was so upset when she found out you'd be stuck in space, Lars. She really misses you, but, she can't stay sad forever. She started hanging out with the Cool Kids. She quit the Big Donut, all because she needed to do ''something'' to feel better.
:'''Connie''': And look at you! Steven said you'd be hiding in some cave on Homeworld, but you're not! You're out here fighting for freedom with all your new friends in tow! Are ''you'' doing any of this to hurt Sadie?
:'''Lars''': No! I'm doing this because I have to. ''[tears up]'' I'd never do this to hurt Sadie because-
:'''Steven''': Because!
:'''Connie''': Because!
:'''Both''': Because you're best friends!
:''[Lars watches them fuse into Stevonnie]''
:'''Stevonnie''': And best friends wouldn't do anything to hurt each other!

===''Jungle Moon''===
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[squealing in excitement]'' Whoa, cool! Yellow! ''[jumps up to her chair]'' Hey, Yellow.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Oh, you're still here.
:'''Stevonnie''': What are you doing?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm commanding the dropships to colonize this planet.
:'''Stevonnie''': I wanna command a dropship!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Well, when you have your ''own'' colony, you can command whatever you want.
:'''Stevonnie''': I want a colony! ''[Yellow Diamond presses buttons on the panel with four diamonds]'' I want one now! ''[screen unlocks revealing a dropship on the panel]'' What's this?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm contacting the leader of the fleet.
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[amazed]'' Let me do it! ''[starts pressing buttons on the screen but Yellow Diamond grabs her arm]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[angrily]'' DON'T TOUCH THAT!
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[irritated]'' Why ''not''? You have so many worlds and I don't even have ''one''! It's not fair! I want ONE! I want my own ''army''! I want my own ''planet''! I deserve it! I'm just as important as ''YOU''!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[angrily]'' Then why don't you act like it, Pink?!
:''[Stevonnie walks away, holding their arm, angry; approach a window and their fist clenches; Pink Diamond is seen through their reflection and the hand punches the glass smashing it; She suddenly wakes up from the dream, falling out of the hammock on the ground]''
:'''Stevonnie''': (''talking through Connie'') Whoa! ''[breathing hard]'' Steven, what was that? (''talking through Steven'') Diamonds. I'm having Diamond dreams again. But, why now? Why ''here''? ''[looks up and see a mural of Yellow Diamond]'' No way.

===''Your Mother and Mine''===
:'''Garnet''': Come on, everyone. Let me tell you the story of the ''real'' Rose Quartz. ''[Flashback story begins; narrating]'' It was Era 1. The Diamonds, unique in their flawlessness, sought to expand their perfection across the galaxy. And it was for this purpose that Pink Diamond chose her first colony-- the planet Earth. On Earth, every Gem was made to serve Pink Diamond, each with a role to play in her world's perfect empire. In comparison to their creator, their existence was ordinary. They were life-forms only meant to fit their mold, and no one had ever dared to think otherwise. Until, there was Rose Quartz. In stature, she was no different than any other Quartz. And for a time, she did her best to carry out her Diamond's bidding. However, she began to take notice of her strange colony and the life that existed there. Curiosity turned to appreciation. Appreciation turned to fondness. And fondness… turned to love. Soon she was unable to keep her findings secret, and she began asking her fellow Gems if they knew of the life on Earth and what they made of it. She continued to pry her fellow Kindergartners with questions ''so'' odd, that word of her eventually made its way to Pink Diamond. Rose Quartz was summoned at once.
:'''Pink Diamond''': Quartz, what have you been saying down there?
:'''Rose''': My Diamond, it has come to my attention that your colony, Earth, bears life. While I know these organic life-forms serve no purpose, I ask that we leave this planet and spare their lives.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Pink Diamond thought for a moment, and then laughed, a wicked, empty sound.
:'''Pink Diamond''': ''[laughing]'' You wish to save these life-forms at the expense of our own? Ha! Don't be absurd. Return to your post, and I will forget your insolence.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' And with that, Rose Quartz was dragged back to her kindergarten for duty. ''[A gem drags Rose away and she continues working]'' Only Rose could no longer stand to continue aiding in the destruction of Earth. She had no choice. She had to fight.
:'''Rose''': ''[stops working and jumps into the air, changing her uniform into a dress before destroying an injector, stands on the broken injector and speaks to the other Quartzes]'' Is this what you want -- to inject, to build?! I've seen the life that exists for itself, and it lives here! Will you destroy it, or will you join it?
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Rose's message began to resonate to Pink Diamond's dismay. Her colony was falling apart. So, like a coward, she called for her Diamond allies, Yellow and Blue, to help. But Rose also found herself with allies, other Gems that were cast out for being wrong-- a Pearl who belonged to no one… a Bismuth who built weapons for rebels instead of towers for tyrants… An entirely new fusion, for not power, but for love… And countless others, all inspired by Rose to live for ourselves on Earth. She was our leader. And Earth was our precious home. And those who fought to save it became known as…the Crystal Gems!
:'''Rhodonite''': Unbelievable!
:'''Rutile Twins''': There were Gems like us?
:'''Padparadscha''': Fighting.
:'''Fluorite''': For… their… freedom?
:'''Garnet''': Yes, and we were fearless! ''[Flashback resumes; narrating]'' It was an impossible fight, but we fought anyway. And the more Gems who saw us, the more who joined. But Pink Diamond's forces proved too strong. Rose feared that soon she would have nothing left to protect. Rose Quartz drew her rebel blade… and shattered Pink Diamond, saving the Earth for all time from her reign of terror.
:'''Rutile Twins''': Wow! That's incredible! I don't believe it!
:'''Lars''': ''[to Steven]'' Your mom did all that? That's awesome!
:'''Rhodonite''': Wait. What about the rest? What happened after that?
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The other Diamonds were furious. In a last-ditch attempt to wipe out the Rebellion, the Diamonds launched a direct attack against Earth. And in their fury, they used their powers to end the fighting once and for all.
:'''Padparadscha''': I predict this story won't have a happy ending.
:'''Rutile Twins''': We were all told different stories. But they all ended the same way.
:'''Fluorite''': With Rose Quartz… being… defeated.
:'''Rhodonite''': This new version of the story is even worse! So, she was great, and they beat her? What are we supposed to get out of this -- that we can never win?!
:'''Garnet''': We haven't yet, but we can, and we will. They said they annihilated Rose's rebellion, but here ''we'' are. They said they annihilated all of you on Homeworld, but here ''you'' are! They think they have us on the run, but they're the ones that are running from the truth. And the truth is we... are... everywhere!
:'''Rhodonite''': But how many more of us can there be?
:'''Steven''': Way more than you think! I was only on Homeworld for, like, an hour before I ran in to you guys. There must be Off Colors all over the place.
:'''Garnet''': Rose used to say there was something about Earth -- something that set Gems free. But it's not just Earth. Look at you. Love, freedom -- it's universal. You all prove it every moment you live as yourselves. You can show everyone.
:'''Fluorite''': We… can do that?
:'''Lars''': Not while we're floating out here like sitting ducks.

===''The Big Show''===

===''Pool Hopping''===
:'''Garnet''': I think I get it.
:'''Steven''': Hm?
:'''Garnet''': Why my future vision has been so off. I have to change the way I think about you. 
:'''Steven''': What?
:'''Garnet''': I've been looking into probable futures where you act like a child. I keep expecting you to run from responsibility and to turn to me for help, but you don't do that anymore. Those futures aren't probable at all. There's nothing wrong with this timeline or my future vision. I just need to factor in that you've grown up.

===''Letters to Lars''===

===''Can't Go Back''===
:'''Blue Diamond''': But this is what you wanted.
:'''Steven''': ''[wakes up and gasps; turns to see Lapis is nowhere to be seen]'' Lapis? ''[turns forward to the silhouettes of Blue, Yellow, and Pink Diamond]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': You begged us for a colony of your own, and now all you want to do is be rid of it. First there were too many organics. Then their cities were too difficult to dismantle, and -- and now these Crystal Gems. We're tired of your excuses, Pink. We're tired of your excuses, Pink.
:'''Steven''': The Diamonds.
:'''Blue Diamonds''': This Rose Quartz can't hurt you. You can't be swayed by a few unruly Gems. ''[Holds her hand up as Pink Diamond is about to say something]'' Enough! You must understand, you are a Diamond. Everyone on this planet is looking to you. You don't even have to do anything. Just smile and wave. Show everyone you're unfazed by this little uprising. Your Gems will fall into line, and these Crystal Gems will be no more. As long as you are there to rule, this colony will be completed.

===''A Single Pale Rose''===
:'''Steven''': It better not turn out that her phone was in her pocket...or she left it on the dresser or dropped it in the toilet. Seems about as likely as putting it away in your repressed war memories.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Steven returns from Pearl's gem after learning the truth about how Rose Quartz &quot;shattered&quot; Pink Diamond]''
:'''Steven''': I know.  
:'''Pearl''': ''[tearing up]'' I wanted to tell you for ''so'' long.
:'''Steven''': Mom was Pink Diamond.
:''[Garnet and Amethyst stand in shock behind Steven]''
:'''Amethyst''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAAAAAAAAAT?!?'''&lt;/big&gt;

===''Now We're Only Falling Apart''===
:'''Amethyst''': Let me get this straight. Rose Quartz, leader of the Crystal Gems, Steven's mom, was actually Pink Diamond?!
:'''Steven''': She faked her own shattering, and reformed to be Rose all the time.
:'''Pearl''': Pink Diamond's final command to me was that no one could know, but now that Steven does, I can finally tell you all everything!
:'''Amethyst''': Phew! I mean, a pink lion, a pink sword, and now Pink Diamond?! Huh, if you told me Rose invented cotton candy, I'd believe it. Right, Garnet? Uh, Garnet?
:'''Garnet''': ''[shaking and gets up]'' Rose. She... she... ''[struggles to stay stable and defuses into Ruby and Sapphire]''
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire...
:'''Sapphire''': ''[betrayed and heartbroken with fury]'' '''SHE LIED TO US!''' She lied about EVERYTHING! ''[freezes up the floor]'' She held our hands, looked us right in the eyes, and told us to never question who we are as Garnet. We never questioned ourselves, or her!
:'''Ruby''': We couldn't have known!
:'''Sapphire''': No, you couldn't have known. You never know what's going on. That's what I'm for!
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire...
:'''Sapphire''': But I never looked into her, I trusted her... I let her make fools of us all!
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire, wait!
:'''Steven''': Guys! ''[slips on the ice]''
:'''Ruby''': Please...We can just stay calm and talk about this, right? Let's just, talk.
:'''Sapphire''': Talk about what? How our relationship is based on a lie? What else is there to say? ''[warps to Rose's Fountain]''
:'''Pearl''': Ruby, I am so sorry...
:'''Steven''': Come on, Pearl. Help me explain everything to Sapphire.
:'''Pearl''': Right.
:'''Steven''': Sit tight, Ruby. We'll go and get Sapphire.
:'''Ruby''': Okay. ''[starts crying]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sapphire''': ''[grieving]'' Everything we were running from, she was right there all along…using us for her little war…smiling at us with those knowing eyes… Making me believe in a better future that I couldn't see, because it wasn't real. And now here we are, our friends, shattered, and corrupted…of course she was a Diamond. What a long road she took to torture us all like this.
:'''Steven''': It wasn't like that. You know she didn't want anyone to get hurt.
:'''Sapphire''': I don't know that! I clearly don't know anything.
:'''Pearl''': You deserve to know everything. I was given to Pink Diamond a few thousand years before she was given the Earth. I was supposed to make her happy, I just never could.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': Is everything alright, my Diamond? You seem troubled.
:'''Rose''': All this life that's been growing wild here on Earth…none of it will survive my invasion. We're not creating life from nothing. We're ''taking'' life, and leaving nothing behind.
:'''Pearl''': Forgive me, my Diamond. I shouldn't have brought you to such a place.
:'''Rose''': No. I needed to see this.
:''[scene shifts back to the fountain]''
:'''Steven''': So she ''did'' want to protect Earth. She didn't realize what the colony was doing to the planet.
:'''Sapphire''': So what?! She suddenly started to care about Earth? Why did she have to rope us into all this? Why couldn't she just stop the colonization herself?
:'''Pearl''': She ''tried''. When she told the other Diamonds she didn't want to go through with the colony, they told her to finish what she started. When she told the other Diamonds she wanted to preserve life on Earth, they created the zoo and threw a handful of humans in. She did everything she could as Pink Diamond. But her status meant nothing to Blue and Yellow. So she decided to make a stand, as someone they couldn't ignore. She was going to scare every Gem off the planet. But everything changed when she saw…your fusion.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': Before Garnet, Rose was only fighting for Earth. But Garnet changed everything. Rose wanted to fight for her, she wanted to fight for Gems! And maybe she was foolish, and maybe even...selfish, but she was-
:'''Sapphire''': Following us.
:'''Pearl''': What?
:'''Sapphire''': This whole time, we thought we were following her, but she was following ''us''. How could she not after you swept her off her feet?

===''What's your Problem''===

===''The Question''===

===''Made of Honor''===
:'''Steven''': So, my Dad will finish playing the music, and then next you'll do the &quot;I do&quot;s. And then I'll say… &quot;I now pronounce you Garnet.&quot; And then you fuse! Everyone will cheer!
:'''Sapphire''': Everyone… who survived.
:'''Ruby''': Huh?
:'''Sapphire''': Oh, it's just… There's so many old friends who won't be able to come. All the Crystal Gems who were corrupted and bubbled in the basement.
:'''Ruby''': Maybe we could bring the bubbles up here?
:'''Sapphire''': No, no. It's not safe. We can't risk them getting out.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bismuth''': Hey everyone. Did you guys &quot;Bismi-th&quot; me?
:''[Pearl, Sapphire, Ruby and Amethyst drop their sodas simultaneously]''
:'''Peridot''': Ha! I win! Also, less importantly, who are you?
:'''Steven''': I… invited Bismuth! I hope that's cool.
:'''Sapphire''': ''[slowly walks up to her]'' Bismuth. ''[hugs her]''
:'''Bismuth''': Whoa, Sapphire!
:'''Pearl and Ruby''': Bismuth! ''[tackle her to the floor, and begin nuzzling her]''
:'''Sapphire''': You wouldn't believe what we've all been through. I'm so sorry! We should've-
:'''Bismuth''': Look, I'm right there with you, Steven filled me in.
:'''Peridot''': So, is anyone going to introduce me?
:'''Amethyst''': Let's give 'em some space.

===''Reunited''===
:'''Steven''': Dearly beloved Gems, humans, lions big and small, living gourds, Onion, we are gathered here today to celebrate Ruby and Sapphire, two of my favorite people, who combine into one of my ''other'' favorite people! You all probably know her as Garnet. She's their love, given form. Now it's your turn to talk about that.
:'''Ruby''': I know this is all kind of silly, I mean, we've been together for 5,750 years.
:'''Sapphire''': And 8 months.
:'''Ruby''': I used to feel like I wasn't much good, just one of me on my own. But when we're together, it feels like it's okay to just be me. So I wanna be me, with you, an-and, not even the Diamonds will come between us. And if they try, we'll beat em up!
:'''Sapphire''': Ruby, my future used to look like one single, obvious stream, unbending 'til the end of time. In an instant, you pulled me from that destiny and opened my eye to an explosion of infinite possible futures, streaking across space and time, altered and obliterated by the smallest force of will. ''[beat]'' What I mean is, you changed my life. And then, I changed your life. And now, we changed our lives.
:'''Steven''': Bismuth, the rings.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[gently bumps Bismuth]'' Hey Bismuth, that's your cue.
:''[Bismuth, touched and crying by the vows, approaches them with the rings]''
:'''Steven''': Ruby, do you take this Gem to have and to hold, on this and every other planet in the universe!?
:'''Ruby''': I DO!
:'''Steven''': And Sapphire, do you-
:'''Sapphire''': Yes.
:'''Steven''': ''[whispering]'' You didn't let me finish.
:'''Sapphire''': I'm just very excited.
:'''Steven''': Then by the power vested in me by the state of Delmarva, I now pronounce you… Garnet!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': What a wonderful idea. Humans found a way to make a moment's decision last forever. I won't need future vision to know I'll always remember this.
:'''Steven''': I'm so glad. ''[starts tearing up]''
:'''Garnet''': Oh no. I'm sorry. Don't cry.
:'''Steven''': ''[wipes off the tears]'' I guess seeing everyone together got me really choked up. ''[bigger tears begin flowing out of his eyes]'' Wait a second. You don't think…?
:'''Garnet''': ''[takes off her visor, opening her third eye]'' Blue Diamond!
:'''Steven''': She's here?!
:'''Garnet''': And she's not alone.
:''[The sky darkens quickly and everyone looks up to the sky, seeing Blue and Yellow Diamond's ships approaching]''
:'''Steven''': Oh, no. It's the Diamonds! ''[runs up to Nanefua]'' Nanefua, get on your Nane-phone! We've got a code blue ''and'' a code yellow!
:'''Garnet''':
:''[As the Diamond ships approach the beach, they fly overhead them]''
:'''Peridot''': WE'RE OVER HERE, YOU CLODS!
:'''Pearl''': Wha- where are they going?!
:'''Steven''': If they're not here for us, they must be here for the Cluster!
:'''Bismuth''': What's the Cluster?
:'''Steven''': It's a huge earth-destroying geo-weapon that the Diamonds made out of a bajillion gem shards!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': You cannot fathom how much I've mourned, what thousands of years of grief has done to me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': I know this sword. This is the sword that '''SHATTERED HER!''' ''[shatters the sword as Steven gasps, which made Connie fall down only to be caught by Lion]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Blue Diamond!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Who are you supposed to be?
:'''Garnet''': I am the will of two Gems to care for each other, to protect each other from any threat, no matter how vast or how cruel. You couldn't stop me 5,750 years ago, and you can't stop me now!
:'''Blue Diamond''': It's you, that Ruby and Sapphire that disrupted my court.
:'''Garnet''': This is supposed to be MY day!
:'''Blue Diamond''': You hope to defeat me by clinging to my feet?
:'''Garnet''': I just needed to keep you from taking three steps to the right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': Lapis Lazuli? Does every Gem that comes in contact with this planet turn traitor?!
:'''Lapis''': I've felt ''worse.''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': With all our strength together, we can take her down!
:'''Steven''': That's right! This is our home, our planet, our friends and family! We are the Crystal Gems!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Pathetic! You are &lt;big&gt;'''NOTHING!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Ha! I told her off, once. I can do it again. ''[jumps off Bismuth's hands and runs up to Yellow Diamond]'' Hey! Yellow Clod! '''''REMEMBER ME?!'''''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': No. ''[zaps and poofs Peridot to her gemstone]''
:'''Steven''': Stop! ''[jumps off Garnet's hands and runs up to the Diamonds]'' Don't do this! Listen to me, ''I'm'' the one you're missing! I'm Pink Diamond!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[shocked and angry]'' You! ''[charges towards Steven as he summons his shield]''
:'''Garnet''': Steven!
:''[Yellow Diamond stomps her foot on Steven in fury, knocking him out unconsciously]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lapis Lazuli''': What else have you got?! I've only just begun to fight! ''[gets zapped and poofed to her gemstone by Yellow Diamond]''
:'''Steven''': ''[shocked gasp]'' Lapis!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''How miserable. I knew Pink couldn't handle her own colony. But, I gave in. And now, I'm to blame for her fate.''
:'''Steven''': Ah, her thoughts are too strong!
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''What good will any of this do? The more I make these Gems suffer, the more I long to see you again, Pink.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': This feeling, I know it!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': It must be a trick! Show yourself, foe!
:'''Steven''': I'm not your foe. Please, just listen to me!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': There!
:'''Steven''': ''Please, the fighting has to stop. We aren't enemies. We're family. Please listen to me. I need you to know who I am!!!''
:'''Blue Diamond''': Impossible.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': This aura...
:'''Blue Diamond''': It's you! Pink!

===''Legs From Here to Homeworld''===
:'''Garnet''': We can't just hand Steven over to Blue Diamond, she's a shatterer!
:'''Bismuth''': She's not gonna hurt him, look at her. She really thinks he's one of them.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[sobbing loudly]'' Somebody make Blue Diamond stop!
:'''Connie''': Are you guys okay?
:'''Pearl''': It's just… ''[sniffles]'' Blue Diamond's power. She's obviously relieved that Pink Diamond wasn't shattered after all.
:''[Yellow Diamond tries to reactive her ship and Blue Diamond's, but are too damaged]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmm. How could you do this to us, Pink? Why did you let us think you were shattered? Why the strange disguise? Why are you doing a voice? Why didn't you say something at the trial?! And Blue, could you please stop crying? I can't see. ''[wipes her tears, splashing the Gems]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': Sorry. ''[sets Steven down]''
:'''Steven''': My mom kept it secret from everyone.
:'''Pearl''': Ahem.
:'''Steven''': Almost everyone.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What are you talking about?
:'''Steven''': Well, apparently, Mom… Oh, geez. You don't know what a mom is. Okay, Pink Diamond took the form of Rose Quartz permanently after faking her shattering. Then, Rose Quartz gave up ''that'' form to create a new life with my dad-- me. Rose passed her gemstone and some of her powers onto me, but that's all. I-I don't have any of Pink ''or'' Rose's memories. I'm sorry.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmm. I'm sure your memories are in there somewhere, Pink.
:'''Steven''': Actually, I go by &quot;Steven.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': We can only do so much, if it was the ''four'' of us.
:'''Blue Diamond''': Oh, no. We can't let ''her'' see this!
:'''Steven''': Who? Who do we need?!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What do you mean, &quot;who?&quot; White.
:'''Pearl''': ''[shocked]'' White Diamond?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While traveling to Homeworld]''
:'''Steven''': Should I have brought a gift for White Diamond? We ''are'' dropping in unexpectedly, and… I want to make a good first impression. Her help will mean everything for the Corrupted Gems.
:'''Pearl''': Steven...
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmph. &quot;Good impression&quot;? We'll be lucky if she ever ''speaks'' to us again after this.
:'''Steven''': But...
:'''Blue Diamond''': The thing is, White... can be... ''difficult''.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': When we show up in this ship, it will be irrefutable that the last 6,000 years are now the biggest galactic embarrassment that's ever happened. And ''we're'' the ones to blame. (''to Steven'') If you don't want to be in a bubble for the next few millennia, I suggest you let ''me'' do the talking.

===''Familiar''===
:'''Steven''': Pearl!
:'''Pearl''': Steven! ''[runs over to Steven and hugs him]'' Oh, thank the stars! You're okay! What did White Diamond do? Did she hurt you?
:'''Steven''': No, she was like, &quot;Welcome home.&quot; I don't think she understands that I'm not Pink Diamond. Where's Connie? And Garnet and Amethyst?
:'''Pearl''': They're still on the ship. ''[summons a hot dog bag]'' I'm only here because I'm bringing your things. And they consider me one of your things.
:'''Steven''': Yeesh.
:''[Diamond chime plays]''
:'''Pearl''': The Diamond chime -- it's Yellow.
:''[The door opens, revealing Yellow Pearl standing right there]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Diamond, my Diamond has requested your presence in the extraction chamber.
:'''Pearl''': Let's get you into a suit. ''[opens the bag]''
:''[Steven, wearing his yellow swimsuit, Pearl, and Yellow Pearl walk through a yellow hallway]''
:'''Steven''': Swim trunks don't seem very formal.
:'''Pearl''': Trust me, this will be more comfortable than jeans.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Diamond.
:'''Steven''': Please, call me Steven.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Steven.
:'''Steven''': No, just Steven.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Just Steven.
:'''Steven''': Call me... Lasagna.
:'''Pearl''': Steven, stop. You're going to break her. ''[opens the extraction chamber door]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Have a nice extraction, Pink Lasagna.
:''[Steven walks into the extraction chamber sauna]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Pink.
:'''Steven''': Hi, Yellow. Cool sauna.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': It's new. Have a seat. ''[Steven uses his floating powers to jump up and takes a seat]'' So, you met with White. How was it?
:'''Steven''': All I got to say was, &quot;Hi,&quot; and, &quot;um,&quot; and, &quot;I.&quot;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Two and a half words -- that's a record.
:'''Steven''': Two and a half words isn't enough. I still need to talk to White about healing all the corrupted Gems!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmm. Good luck. White never leaves her own head these days, and she never lets anyone in -- except you, I guess. It's so unfair. I have hundreds of successful crystal system colonies, but you get to see her because your one colony is a failure!
:'''Steven''': Maybe you should just… ''fail?''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[looks momentarily shocked, then starts laughing]'' Oh, Pink, you always did have quite a knack for making me laugh. You're almost worth the trouble.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Pearl''': ''[showing up]'' Pink Diamond, my Diamond was requested your presence.
:''[Steven, Pearl, and Blue Pearl walk down a blue hallway]''
:'''Steven''': We barely talked about White at all. She had to rush to do a report, and I couldn't go with her. I get they're, like, busy, 'cause they're dictators and everything, but I need more time! ''[gasps and face-palms]'' I should have asked her what she was doing after the Citron thing!
:'''Pearl''': She'll be at that for a while. Yellow Diamond oversees all aspects of Gem production on every single one of her colonies. And when she's not doing that, she's off with her army, conquering the next one.
:'''Steven''': What about their days off, weekends?
:'''Blue Pearl''': My Diamond is awaiting our arrival.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Pearl''': ''[turns to Pearl]'' Welcome back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': You're here! Come in.
:'''Steven''': Okay! ''[runs and jumps into the pool, laughing]'' Whoo-hoo! (''laughing'') It's funny! I -- I live right next to the ocean, but I end up going to space to swim.
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[laughs, causing the pool to shake a bit]'' You haven't changed. So silly. So small.
:'''Steven''': I'm not done growing. I'm not sure I can catch up to you and Yellow, though.
:'''Blue Diamond''': I'm so glad you're back... Steven.
:'''Steven''': Y-You actually said my name!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Steven. Steee-von? (''chuckles'') It's such a funny sounding name. You're so creative, Pink.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': (''sighs'') This is so weird. Was this some sort of spa day or something? And what about Pink? Did she have a job here, or did she just sit in a room while they were off doing whatever?
:'''Pearl''': Before her colony, Pink used to throw massive balls.
:'''Steven''': ''[surprised]'' She was a juggler?!
:'''Pearl''': No -- Well, yes. But she would also throw parties for the other Diamonds to mark their many accomplishments. Every member of every court would show up to bask in the presence of all four Diamonds.
:'''Steven''': Even White would come?
:'''Pearl''': Oh, yes! Huh. I wonder what's even become of Pink's court.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ♫ Oh, I'll get them all together in one place / And once we're all together face-to-face / I'll show them all the error of their ways / And stop their spread of terror across space! ♫

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I figured it out! Remember back when I was little and maybe kind of annoying, and I couldn't come along on adventures? You guys would still drop everything to hang out with me! That's Pink Diamond! I know I can do this! Just watch -- I'm gonna throw a huge ball, and I'm gonna invite everyone!

===''Together Alone''===
:'''Pearl''': The Pebbles have been working all night. What do you think?
:'''Steven''': It almost feels like home.
:'''Garnet''': Almost.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': A ball? We haven't had a ball in 6,000 years.
:'''Blue Diamond''': We haven't had Pink in 6,000 years!
:'''Steven''': Yeah! When White Diamond shows up we can tell her why we need her help on Earth!
:'''Blue Diamond''': And, this can also mark the beginning of Era 3.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You're right, it's brilliant.
:'''Steven''': Thank you, Yellow! Thank you, Blue!
:'''Blue Diamond''': If White is going to be there everything has to be perfect! Pink, can you manage this on your own? Our Pearls can help you get started.
:'''Blue Pearl''': At your service, Pink Diamond.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Make sure you go through all of our customs with Pink, since she has so much trouble recalling her past here on Homeworld.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Yes, My Diamond.
:'''Pearl''': Era 3! Steven, you're already changing the world!
:'''Steven''': Yeah! Come on, party Pearls!
:'''Yellow and Blue Pearl''': We are at your command, Pink Diamond.
:'''Steven''': Just call me Steven.
:'''Yellow and Blue Pearl''': Whatever you command, Pink Diamond.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': Balloons everywhere! Confetti cannons too!
:'''Amethyst''': Dibs on being the confetti cannon!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Cannons are ''forbidden'' inside palace walls. These &quot;balloons&quot; you're referring to, are unprecedented and therefore out of the question.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Diamond! Your subjects will do the dancing for you! Why would a Diamond want to dance?
:'''Steven''': Because dancing's fun!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': What is &quot;fun&quot;?
:'''Connie''': You know, it's when you do something you wanna do, just because it feels good.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': I don't think we do that here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': The Sapphire will need to enter with the other Sapphires of course, and the Ruby will need to enter with the guard.
:'''Steven''': Woah, woah, woah. Are you talking about Garnet?
:'''Blue Diamond''': Garnet? Does &quot;that&quot; call herself a Garnet? What would you have her do? Enter with the Demantoids, the Hessonites, the Pyropes? Pink, I'm being very generous, but you can't expect me to-
:'''Garnet''': I won't go.
:'''Steven''': Garnet?
:'''Blue Diamond''': At least the Sapphire in there has some sense.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Everyone, behold! The daunting, beauty and elegance that is, Yellow Diamond!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Not a bad turnout, Pink.
:'''Steven''': I appreciate your attendance, Yellow.
:'''Blue Pearl''': Ahem, everyone prepare yourselves emotionally for the overpowering elegance that is, Blue Diamond.
:'''Blue Diamond''': You're doing great.
:'''Steven''': Thank you, Blue.
:'''White Pearl''': To those in attendance of the Era 3 ball, White Diamond... has more important things to attend to.
:'''Steven''': WHAT?!
:'''White Pearl''': Therefore, I will be here to observe in her place. Welcome to Era 3.
:'''Steven''': Gra!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': (''through gritted teeth'') Pink, what are you doing?!
:'''Stevonnie''': I was just dancing! (''sees they have fused and everybody else looks in shock'')
:'''Blue Diamond''': Pink, this is completely unacceptable! Unfuse or I'll make you!
:''[Ruby and Sapphire fuse and become Garnet]''
:'''Garnet''': You'll have to go through me!
:'''Pearl''': (''gasp'') And me! (''Runs over to Amethyst and fuses into Opal'')
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah!
:''[two jades quickly fuse as well]''
:'''Lemon Jade''': And me! ''[Opal and Stevonnie look at Garnet, and she shrugs]'' I knew it! I knew I couldn't be the only one!
:''[Yellow Diamond strikes the Jade Fusion, Opal, and Garnet with her lightning powers, causing them all to poof]''
:'''Stevonnie''': Opal! Garnet!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Pink, you've gone too far even for you. ''[picks up Stevonnie and throws them into a dark room]'' Stay in here and think about what you've done!
:'''Stevonnie''': No, wait!
:''[Yellow Diamond closes the door, ends the episode]''

===''Escapism''===
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[singing]'' ♫ I guess I have to face, that in this awful place, I shouldn't show a trace... of doubt. / But pulled against the grain, I feel a little pain, that I would rather do... without. / I'd rather be free-ee-ee, free-ee-ee, free... / I'd rather be free-ee-ee, free-ee-ee, free... / Free-ee-ee, free-ee-ee, free... / from here. ♫

===''Change Your Mind''===
:'''Steven''': ''[wakes up and looks up at the prison tower window]'' Oh, right -- prison.
:''[Blue Diamond enters]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': I cannot believe you! Making a scene like that.
:''' Steven''': We weren't trying to make a scene! We were just... ''[turns to see that Connie is not present]'' dancing?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': I cannot believe you -- making a scene like that!
:'''Steven''': Whoa -- dejá blue.
:'''Connie''': We didn't mean any harm! I asked Steven to dance; he wasn't trying to cause trouble!
:'''Blue Diamond''': What do you know about this, human?
:'''Connie''': ''[chuckles]'' You think I've never been grounded before?
:'''Blue Diamond''': &quot;Grounded?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': This isn't normal. How many times did you lock her in here? How many times did you make her cry?!
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[defensive]'' I didn't, I... and I'm doing it again... aren't I?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What... are you doing?
:'''Steven''': I'm taking back my friends!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[closes her eyes as she looks up from Steven to readdress Blue; annoyed]'' What are you doing, Blue? Take Pink back to the tower.
:'''Blue Diamond''': She prefers to be called &quot;Steven.&quot;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[slams her hand so forcefully against her throne that it cracks, stands up and assumes an angered stance]'' What are you talking about?! You can't keep bending the rules for her, Blue! She has to set an example, and ''we'' have to set an example! If we bend the rules for her, we have to bend them for everyone!
:'''Connie''': Well, maybe you should!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Take them back to the tower, now!
:'''Blue Diamond''': I won't.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Then I'll do it myself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': When we thought Pink was shattered, when she abandoned us, I alone was there for you, and you would use your power against &lt;big&gt;'''ME?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You'd hurt a fellow Diamond?!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Didn't we hurt Pink?! She was suffering in silence for ages -- just like our Gems -- just like me! And I know ''you're'' suffering in silence, too!
:''[Yellow Diamond claps her fist and uses her lightning power on Blue, causing her to begin to destabilize and scream]''
:'''Steven''': Stop! ''[pulls out his shield and chucks it towards Yellow Diamond's hand, disrupting her concentration]'' You don't have to do this!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Yes, I do! This is what White Diamond expects of all of us. From a thin flake of mica to the deepest, hardest stone, we all must make sacrifices for the sake of our perfect empire.
:'''Steven''': Does ''this'' look perfect to you?! My dad says if every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn't have hot dogs.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': And that means... what?
:'''Steven''': It means if you try and make this empire perfect -- if you just wipe away everything you see as flawed -- you lose all the things that make you happy -- like hot dogs.
:'''Blue Diamond''': Or our Pink.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Uhh... ''[falls to the ground on her knees in an uncharacteristic emotional breakdown]'' Stop. Stop it, Blue. Stop using your power on me...!
:'''Blue Diamond''': I'm not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': Hey, White, I know I was in there with you for a second, but I barely got to talk to you at all. There are so many Gems that are hurting right now. Even Blue and Yellow are hurting. You should hear what they have to say. ''[to Blue and Yellow; whispers]'' This is it.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[struggling]'' We... W-we... We need to talk! About us. I've conquered so many worlds for the sake of the empire. I do everything you ask, and I do it all perfectly. But your very high standards put us all under a ''lot'' of pressure. A Gem could crack under so much pressure. We Diamonds may be hard, but we're also brittle.
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[steps forward]'' White, we used to be close. Don't you remember? When Pink would make us laugh -- all those silly things she did for no reason. There was a reason. She wanted us to be happy together. But we weren't, and we're still not. I know my purpose isn't to be happy, but I find it harder and harder to enforce your rules when they make me miserable. When they make us all miserable.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rainbow Quartz 2.0''': Well, what do you know? It's Rainbow 2.0! Now, this is a fine mess we're in. (''gasps'') That won't do. (''blows raspberry'') Rainbow Quartz powers, activate! Ah, yes. Now that's two stones, with one bird.
:''[Steven and new reformed Pearl unfuse]''
:'''Amethyst''': Wow! Nice form, Pearl.
:'''Pearl''': Oh, ''[chuckles]'' thank you. I'm particularly excited about the jacket. Aah! Steven! We fused!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sunstone''': Awwwwwwwwwww yeah! You better step off! Chillax, my dudes. Your rockin' pal Sunstone is holdin' it down.
:'''Pearl''': Wow!
:'''Amethyst''': Holy...
:'''Connie''': All right!
:'''Peridot''': Unbelievable!
:'''Sunstone''': Oh, you better believe it.
:'''Peridot''': Okay!
:'''Connie''': Sunstone, what are we gonna do? White Diamond's never going to listen, and she's never going to let us leave.
:'''Sunstone''': If she won't listen, we'll ''make'' her listen.
:'''Amethyst''': And ''how'' are we gonna do that?
:'''Sunstone''': I know she's in there. We'll bust into her head and change her mind.
:'''Everyone''': Right!
:'''Sunstone''': Let's take that bully down! ''[to the viewers]'' But remember kids: if you ever have to deal with a bully, be sure to tell an adult. ''[yanks Pearl and Amethyst onto their shoulders and sprints towards the giant pink foot of the ship]'' Ally-oop! ''[summons her suction cups]'' Kids, don't try this at home. Ha! Bungacowa!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': We need to be bigger.
:'''Steven''': Then let's fuse. All four of us. It's the only way we're gonna get up to her head.
:'''Amethyst''': I'm in!
:'''Pearl''': I'm in, too.
:'''Garnet''': Then it's decided. It's time to form Obsidian.
:''[Connie, Bismuth, Peridot, and Lapis back away to give some space for Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, and Steven to perform their fusion dance; Obsidian is formed by letting out a big loud cry for battle]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[amazed]'' They're HU-U-U-U-GE!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': You're wrong! I'm not my mom!
:'''White Diamond''': But don't you know things about her that you couldn't possibly know?
:'''Steven''': I-I've just been connecting with her. My powers, they-they help me to connect to others. I'm not her. I'm just feeling her feelings.
:'''White Diamond''': Isn't it obvious? Even though you've embedded yourself in that human child, your light can't help shining through!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connie''': Don't listen to her Steven! She's just trying to mess with you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''White Diamond''': What is this?! Where is Pink?
:'''Pink Steven''': She's gone.
:'''White Diamond''': What did you say? Answer me!
:'''Pink Steven''': ''[shouting]'' She's &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''GO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-NE!!!!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''White Diamond''': Agh! Don't you raise your shield at me! I only want you to be yourself! If you can't do that, I'll do it &lt;big&gt;FOR YOU!!!&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connie''': Steven! ''[rushes to Steven and hugs him]'' Are you back together? Are you you?
:'''Steven''': Yeah. Yeah! I’m me! I’ve always been me.
:'''White Diamond''': ''NO!'' You are Pink Diamond! That is Pink Diamond's gem! You do not look like this! You do not sound like this! You are not half-human! You're just... acting like a child!
:'''Steven''': I ''am'' a child. What's your excuse?
:'''White Diamond''': ''[starts blushing, and notices the Gems under her control doing the same]'' What's happening? What is this? What's wrong with them? They're turning... pink! I don't understand, I'm in control, I-- ''[gasps]'' Something's wrong! With ME! No!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''White Diamond''': What is this? I feel... ridiculous. Yellow, Blue...
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[gasps]'' She's off-color...
:'''White Diamond''': This can't be happening. I can't have a flaw, I'm supposed to be flawless! If I'm not perfect then... who am I? If you're not Pink, then... who are you? Who is ''anyone?''
:'''Steven''': You know, if you just let everyone be whoever they are, maybe you could let yourself be whoever you are too.
:'''White Diamond''': But I'm not supposed to be like this! I'm supposed to know better, I'm supposed to ''be'' better, I'm supposed to make ''everything'' better!
:'''Steven''': You can. But first, you're gonna have to leave your own head.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Padparadscha''': I predict our long journey through space will soon be over.
:'''Lars''': Welcome home, guys.
:'''Rhodonite''': We finally made it! Earth! No more running, no more hiding! No more Diamond Authority! ''[they notice the Diamonds, who have heard everything]'' Well, we're cracked.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sadie''': Lars... Look at you! You're... you're a space pirate!
:'''Lars''': Look at you! You're a rock star!
:'''Sadie''': ''[Laughs] Well... ''[Laughs]''
:''[They both laugh in unison]''
:'''Lars''': I think it suits us!
:'''Sadie''': Yeah. Me, too!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[singing]'' ♫ I don’t need you to respect me, I respect me. / I don’t need you to love me, I love me. / But I want you to know you could know me, / If you change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind, / If you change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind, / If you change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind, / Change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind. ♫

[[Category:Steven Universe seasons]]</text>
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]]
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{{italic title}}
The following is a list of quotes from the fifth season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''.

===''Stuck Together''===
:'''Aquamarine''': Say, Rose, how do I look?
:'''Steven''': Awful, small and mean!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Topaz''': What was I thinking?
:'''Aquamarine''': That's the problem with you fusions. Sooner or later, you will become ''sentimental.'' ''[the ship rumbles, coming to a stop and a notification pops up]'' We're here. Look, just… unfuse, and we'll never speak of this again.

===''The Trial''===
:'''Steven''': ''[speaking to himself]'' I know my mom did something really bad. Whatever Homeworld has in store for me… I'M READY!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prosecuting Zircon''': Defending a rebel? Isn't that… ''treason?'' ''[chuckles]''
:'''Defense Zircon''': I was ''assigned'' to this!
:''[Blue and Yellow Pearl warp in]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': All rise for the luminous Yellow Diamond! ''[poses]''
:'''Blue Pearl''': And the lustrous Blue Diamond. ''[bows]''
:''[Blue and Yellow Diamond warp in behind them, staring down at Steven]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[looking around]'' Where is the accused?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[looks down at Steven]'' Is that Rose Quartz? Look at this ''hideous'' she's taken. Forget the trial, we should shatter just for looking like that.
:'''Blue Diamond''': No. I want to hear her make her case. I want to know what she thinks we're going to do with her. Because  I want to do something ''worse''.
:''[Steven gulps nervously]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[warps in their throne chairs]'' Fine. Let's just get on with it, shall we?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I did it!
:'''Defense Zircon''': Wha… What, what?! Stop!
:'''Blue Diamond''': No! I want to hear what she has to say.
:''[Steven is elevated up to the Diamonds' height]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': State your name for the record, please.
:'''Steven''': I, um… I am Rose Quartz… and I'm guilty.
:'''Defense Zircon''': Wait! No, don't say that!
:'''Steven''': Everything you guys I did, I did. And I did it by myself. I'm sorry. I'll accept any punishment you want to give me. ''[points down to Lars]'' Just let him go! And leave the Earth alone.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Ha! Sounds like a solid confession to me.
:'''Blue Diamond''': How? How did you do it? How did you shatter Pink Diamond?
:'''Steven''': ''[nervously]'' Um, well…I did it on Earth in front of Pink Diamond's palanquin. I was probably like &quot;Stop!&quot; And she was all like, &quot;No!&quot; So we fought -- I think. And she probably did some cool moves. I probably did some cool stuff, too, some jump-kicks and stuff. But I was most likely deeply conflicted about deciding to shatter her. Definitely crying. I probably had to use the Breaking Point to do it.
:'''Blue Diamond''': It was a ''sword!'' ''[covers her eyes, crying and a blue light fills the room, making everyone except Lars tear up]'' You… shattered her… with a sword! ''[starts sobbing]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[walks up and comforts Blue]'' That's quite enough testimony from you! We shall take a short recess.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Defense Zircon''': What are you saying in there?! &quot;Maybe&quot; this, &quot;probably&quot; that! Oh, what do you mean, ''probably''?!
:'''Steven''': Look I just... I don't actually know how it happened, okay?
:'''Defense Zircon''': You don't ''know''?!
:'''Steven''': I...
:'''Defense Zircon''': ''[grabs Steven by the shirt collar and picks him up]'' Don't tumble my rocks! Both our gems are on the line! Did you do this or not?!
:'''Steven''': It was me, alright! ''[Defense Zircon let's go of his shirt and drops him]'' Rose Quartz did it, and I've got her gem, so I'm the one who's got to pay for this.
:'''Defense Zircon''': You don't know how it happened. ''[Steven shakes his head]'' I get it. There's a reason they want you to explain how you did it.
:'''Steven''': Huh?
:'''Defense Zircon''': It's because it doesn't make sense!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You think you can get away, Rose? You stood your ground on that little speck called Earth. But you're on ''our'' world now.

===''Off Colors''===
:'''Padparadscha''': Oh my gosh, something incredible is going to happen to Lars!

===''Lars' Head''===
:'''Steven''': But it doesn't feel right to just leave you here.
:'''Lars''': You said yourself that everyone on this planet is out to get you. You won't be safe until you're back on Earth.
:'''Steven''': But, Lars--
:'''Lars''': Don't argue with me! You're always trying to help me. You brought me back to life. Just let me be somebody who deserved it.

===''Dewey Wins''===

===''Gemcation''===

===''Raising the Barn''===

===''Back to the Kindergarten''===
:'''Peridot''': This used to make sense to me. I thought life was generated in a kindergarten. Formless, aimless energy channeled into new, useful gems. But life doesn't start in a kindergarten. It ends here. I've gotten used to plants everywhere. Bugs and breeze and sunshine...all of that has been sucked out of this place. 

===''Sadie Killer''===

===''Kevin Party''===

===''Lars of the Stars''===
:'''Emerald''': ''[on screen]'' It's over! I've got you now you miserable off-colors!
:'''Lars''': You'll ''never'' take us alive, Emerald!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lars''': You don't get it, do you, Steven? ''[starts tearing up and sniffles]'' It should be me. ''[starts crying]'' ''I'm'' the one that should be hanging out with the Cool Kids! She's getting back at me for everything I've done!
:'''Connie''': Do you really think Sadie is living her life ''just'' to get back at you?
:'''Lars''': Why else would she be having so much fun without me?!
:'''Steven''': Because life goes on, no matter what happens. She was so upset when she found out you'd be stuck in space, Lars. She really misses you, but, she can't stay sad forever. She started hanging out with the Cool Kids. She quit the Big Donut, all because she needed to do ''something'' to feel better.
:'''Connie''': And look at you! Steven said you'd be hiding in some cave on Homeworld, but you're not! You're out here fighting for freedom with all your new friends in tow! Are ''you'' doing any of this to hurt Sadie?
:'''Lars''': No! I'm doing this because I have to. ''[tears up]'' I'd never do this to hurt Sadie because-
:'''Steven''': Because!
:'''Connie''': Because!
:'''Both''': Because you're best friends!
:''[Lars watches them fuse into Stevonnie]''
:'''Stevonnie''': And best friends wouldn't do anything to hurt each other!

===''Jungle Moon''===
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[squealing in excitement]'' Whoa, cool! Yellow! ''[jumps up to her chair]'' Hey, Yellow.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Oh, you're still here.
:'''Stevonnie''': What are you doing?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm commanding the dropships to colonize this planet.
:'''Stevonnie''': I wanna command a dropship!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Well, when you have your ''own'' colony, you can command whatever you want.
:'''Stevonnie''': I want a colony! ''[Yellow Diamond presses buttons on the panel with four diamonds]'' I want one now! ''[screen unlocks revealing a dropship on the panel]'' What's this?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm contacting the leader of the fleet.
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[amazed]'' Let me do it! ''[starts pressing buttons on the screen but Yellow Diamond grabs her arm]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[angrily]'' DON'T TOUCH THAT!
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[irritated]'' Why ''not''? You have so many worlds and I don't even have ''one''! It's not fair! I want ONE! I want my own ''army''! I want my own ''planet''! I deserve it! I'm just as important as ''YOU''!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[angrily]'' Then why don't you act like it, Pink?!
:''[Stevonnie walks away, holding their arm, angry; approach a window and their fist clenches; Pink Diamond is seen through their reflection and the hand punches the glass smashing it; She suddenly wakes up from the dream, falling out of the hammock on the ground]''
:'''Stevonnie''': (''talking through Connie'') Whoa! ''[breathing hard]'' Steven, what was that? (''talking through Steven'') Diamonds. I'm having Diamond dreams again. But, why now? Why ''here''? ''[looks up and see a mural of Yellow Diamond]'' No way.

===''Your Mother and Mine''===
:'''Garnet''': Come on, everyone. Let me tell you the story of the ''real'' Rose Quartz. ''[Flashback story begins; narrating]'' It was Era 1. The Diamonds, unique in their flawlessness, sought to expand their perfection across the galaxy. And it was for this purpose that Pink Diamond chose her first colony-- the planet Earth. On Earth, every Gem was made to serve Pink Diamond, each with a role to play in her world's perfect empire. In comparison to their creator, their existence was ordinary. They were life-forms only meant to fit their mold, and no one had ever dared to think otherwise. Until, there was Rose Quartz. In stature, she was no different than any other Quartz. And for a time, she did her best to carry out her Diamond's bidding. However, she began to take notice of her strange colony and the life that existed there. Curiosity turned to appreciation. Appreciation turned to fondness. And fondness… turned to love. Soon she was unable to keep her findings secret, and she began asking her fellow Gems if they knew of the life on Earth and what they made of it. She continued to pry her fellow Kindergartners with questions ''so'' odd, that word of her eventually made its way to Pink Diamond. Rose Quartz was summoned at once.
:'''Pink Diamond''': Quartz, what have you been saying down there?
:'''Rose''': My Diamond, it has come to my attention that your colony, Earth, bears life. While I know these organic life-forms serve no purpose, I ask that we leave this planet and spare their lives.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Pink Diamond thought for a moment, and then laughed, a wicked, empty sound.
:'''Pink Diamond''': ''[laughing]'' You wish to save these life-forms at the expense of our own? Ha! Don't be absurd. Return to your post, and I will forget your insolence.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' And with that, Rose Quartz was dragged back to her kindergarten for duty. ''[A gem drags Rose away and she continues working]'' Only Rose could no longer stand to continue aiding in the destruction of Earth. She had no choice. She had to fight.
:'''Rose''': ''[stops working and jumps into the air, changing her uniform into a dress before destroying an injector, stands on the broken injector and speaks to the other Quartzes]'' Is this what you want -- to inject, to build?! I've seen the life that exists for itself, and it lives here! Will you destroy it, or will you join it?
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Rose's message began to resonate to Pink Diamond's dismay. Her colony was falling apart. So, like a coward, she called for her Diamond allies, Yellow and Blue, to help. But Rose also found herself with allies, other Gems that were cast out for being wrong-- a Pearl who belonged to no one… a Bismuth who built weapons for rebels instead of towers for tyrants… An entirely new fusion, for not power, but for love… And countless others, all inspired by Rose to live for ourselves on Earth. She was our leader. And Earth was our precious home. And those who fought to save it became known as…the Crystal Gems!
:'''Rhodonite''': Unbelievable!
:'''Rutile Twins''': There were Gems like us?
:'''Padparadscha''': Fighting.
:'''Fluorite''': For… their… freedom?
:'''Garnet''': Yes, and we were fearless! ''[Flashback resumes; narrating]'' It was an impossible fight, but we fought anyway. And the more Gems who saw us, the more who joined. But Pink Diamond's forces proved too strong. Rose feared that soon she would have nothing left to protect. Rose Quartz drew her rebel blade… and shattered Pink Diamond, saving the Earth for all time from her reign of terror.
:'''Rutile Twins''': Wow! That's incredible! I don't believe it!
:'''Lars''': ''[to Steven]'' Your mom did all that? That's awesome!
:'''Rhodonite''': Wait. What about the rest? What happened after that?
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The other Diamonds were furious. In a last-ditch attempt to wipe out the Rebellion, the Diamonds launched a direct attack against Earth. And in their fury, they used their powers to end the fighting once and for all.
:'''Padparadscha''': I predict this story won't have a happy ending.
:'''Rutile Twins''': We were all told different stories. But they all ended the same way.
:'''Fluorite''': With Rose Quartz… being… defeated.
:'''Rhodonite''': This new version of the story is even worse! So, she was great, and they beat her? What are we supposed to get out of this -- that we can never win?!
:'''Garnet''': We haven't yet, but we can, and we will. They said they annihilated Rose's rebellion, but here ''we'' are. They said they annihilated all of you on Homeworld, but here ''you'' are! They think they have us on the run, but they're the ones that are running from the truth. And the truth is we... are... everywhere!
:'''Rhodonite''': But how many more of us can there be?
:'''Steven''': Way more than you think! I was only on Homeworld for, like, an hour before I ran in to you guys. There must be Off Colors all over the place.
:'''Garnet''': Rose used to say there was something about Earth -- something that set Gems free. But it's not just Earth. Look at you. Love, freedom -- it's universal. You all prove it every moment you live as yourselves. You can show everyone.
:'''Fluorite''': We… can do that?
:'''Lars''': Not while we're floating out here like sitting ducks.

===''The Big Show''===

===''Pool Hopping''===
:'''Garnet''': I think I get it.
:'''Steven''': Hm?
:'''Garnet''': Why my future vision has been so off. I have to change the way I think about you. 
:'''Steven''': What?
:'''Garnet''': I've been looking into probable futures where you act like a child. I keep expecting you to run from responsibility and to turn to me for help, but you don't do that anymore. Those futures aren't probable at all. There's nothing wrong with this timeline or my future vision. I just need to factor in that you've grown up.

===''Letters to Lars''===

===''Can't Go Back''===
:'''Blue Diamond''': But this is what you wanted.
:'''Steven''': ''[wakes up and gasps; turns to see Lapis is nowhere to be seen]'' Lapis? ''[turns forward to the silhouettes of Blue, Yellow, and Pink Diamond]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': You begged us for a colony of your own, and now all you want to do is be rid of it. First there were too many organics. Then their cities were too difficult to dismantle, and -- and now these Crystal Gems. We're tired of your excuses, Pink. We're tired of your excuses, Pink.
:'''Steven''': The Diamonds.
:'''Blue Diamonds''': This Rose Quartz can't hurt you. You can't be swayed by a few unruly Gems. ''[Holds her hand up as Pink Diamond is about to say something]'' Enough! You must understand, you are a Diamond. Everyone on this planet is looking to you. You don't even have to do anything. Just smile and wave. Show everyone you're unfazed by this little uprising. Your Gems will fall into line, and these Crystal Gems will be no more. As long as you are there to rule, this colony will be completed.

===''A Single Pale Rose''===
:'''Steven''': It better not turn out that her phone was in her pocket...or she left it on the dresser or dropped it in the toilet. Seems about as likely as putting it away in your repressed war memories.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Steven returns from Pearl's gem after learning the truth about how Rose Quartz &quot;shattered&quot; Pink Diamond]''
:'''Steven''': I know.  
:'''Pearl''': ''[tearing up]'' I wanted to tell you for ''so'' long.
:'''Steven''': Mom was Pink Diamond.
:''[Garnet and Amethyst stand in shock behind Steven]''
:'''Amethyst''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAAAAAAAAAT?!?'''&lt;/big&gt;

===''Now We're Only Falling Apart''===
:'''Amethyst''': Let me get this straight. Rose Quartz, leader of the Crystal Gems, Steven's mom, was actually Pink Diamond?!
:'''Steven''': She faked her own shattering, and reformed to be Rose all the time.
:'''Pearl''': Pink Diamond's final command to me was that no one could know, but now that Steven does, I can finally tell you all everything!
:'''Amethyst''': Phew! I mean, a pink lion, a pink sword, and now Pink Diamond?! Huh, if you told me Rose invented cotton candy, I'd believe it. Right, Garnet? Uh, Garnet?
:'''Garnet''': ''[shaking and gets up]'' Rose. She... she... ''[struggles to stay stable and defuses into Ruby and Sapphire]''
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire...
:'''Sapphire''': ''[betrayed and heartbroken with fury]'' '''SHE LIED TO US!''' She lied about EVERYTHING! ''[freezes up the floor]'' She held our hands, looked us right in the eyes, and told us to never question who we are as Garnet. We never questioned ourselves, or her!
:'''Ruby''': We couldn't have known!
:'''Sapphire''': No, you couldn't have known. You never know what's going on. That's what I'm for!
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire...
:'''Sapphire''': But I never looked into her, I trusted her... I let her make fools of us all!
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire, wait!
:'''Steven''': Guys! ''[slips on the ice]''
:'''Ruby''': Please...We can just stay calm and talk about this, right? Let's just, talk.
:'''Sapphire''': Talk about what? How our relationship is based on a lie? What else is there to say? ''[warps to Rose's Fountain]''
:'''Pearl''': Ruby, I am so sorry...
:'''Steven''': Come on, Pearl. Help me explain everything to Sapphire.
:'''Pearl''': Right.
:'''Steven''': Sit tight, Ruby. We'll go and get Sapphire.
:'''Ruby''': Okay. ''[starts crying]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sapphire''': ''[grieving]'' Everything we were running from, she was right there all along…using us for her little war…smiling at us with those knowing eyes… Making me believe in a better future that I couldn't see, because it wasn't real. And now here we are, our friends, shattered, and corrupted…of course she was a Diamond. What a long road she took to torture us all like this.
:'''Steven''': It wasn't like that. You know she didn't want anyone to get hurt.
:'''Sapphire''': I don't know that! I clearly don't know anything.
:'''Pearl''': You deserve to know everything. I was given to Pink Diamond a few thousand years before she was given the Earth. I was supposed to make her happy, I just never could.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': Is everything alright, my Diamond? You seem troubled.
:'''Rose''': All this life that's been growing wild here on Earth…none of it will survive my invasion. We're not creating life from nothing. We're ''taking'' life, and leaving nothing behind.
:'''Pearl''': Forgive me, my Diamond. I shouldn't have brought you to such a place.
:'''Rose''': No. I needed to see this.
:''[scene shifts back to the fountain]''
:'''Steven''': So she ''did'' want to protect Earth. She didn't realize what the colony was doing to the planet.
:'''Sapphire''': So what?! She suddenly started to care about Earth? Why did she have to rope us into all this? Why couldn't she just stop the colonization herself?
:'''Pearl''': She ''tried''. When she told the other Diamonds she didn't want to go through with the colony, they told her to finish what she started. When she told the other Diamonds she wanted to preserve life on Earth, they created the zoo and threw a handful of humans in. She did everything she could as Pink Diamond. But her status meant nothing to Blue and Yellow. So she decided to make a stand, as someone they couldn't ignore. She was going to scare every Gem off the planet. But everything changed when she saw…your fusion.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': Before Garnet, Rose was only fighting for Earth. But Garnet changed everything. Rose wanted to fight for her, she wanted to fight for Gems! And maybe she was foolish, and maybe even...selfish, but she was-
:'''Sapphire''': Following us.
:'''Pearl''': What?
:'''Sapphire''': This whole time, we thought we were following her, but she was following ''us''. How could she not after you swept her off her feet?

===''What's your Problem''===

===''The Question''===

===''Made of Honor''===
:'''Steven''': So, my Dad will finish playing the music, and then next you'll do the &quot;I do&quot;s. And then I'll say… &quot;I now pronounce you Garnet.&quot; And then you fuse! Everyone will cheer!
:'''Sapphire''': Everyone… who survived.
:'''Ruby''': Huh?
:'''Sapphire''': Oh, it's just… There's so many old friends who won't be able to come. All the Crystal Gems who were corrupted and bubbled in the basement.
:'''Ruby''': Maybe we could bring the bubbles up here?
:'''Sapphire''': No, no. It's not safe. We can't risk them getting out.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bismuth''': Hey everyone. Did you guys &quot;Bismi-th&quot; me?
:''[Pearl, Sapphire, Ruby and Amethyst drop their sodas simultaneously]''
:'''Peridot''': Ha! I win! Also, less importantly, who are you?
:'''Steven''': I… invited Bismuth! I hope that's cool.
:'''Sapphire''': ''[slowly walks up to her]'' Bismuth. ''[hugs her]''
:'''Bismuth''': Whoa, Sapphire!
:'''Pearl and Ruby''': Bismuth! ''[tackle her to the floor, and begin nuzzling her]''
:'''Sapphire''': You wouldn't believe what we've all been through. I'm so sorry! We should've-
:'''Bismuth''': Look, I'm right there with you, Steven filled me in.
:'''Peridot''': So, is anyone going to introduce me?
:'''Amethyst''': Let's give 'em some space.

===''Reunited''===
:'''Steven''': Dearly beloved Gems, humans, lions big and small, living gourds, Onion, we are gathered here today to celebrate Ruby and Sapphire, two of my favorite people, who combine into one of my other favorite people! You all probably know her as Garnet. She's their love, given form. Now it's your turn to talk about that.
:'''Ruby''': I know this is all kind of silly, I mean, we've been together for 5,750 years.
:'''Sapphire''': And 8 months.
:'''Ruby''': I used to feel like I wasn't much good, just one of me on my own. But when we're together, it feels like it's okay to just be me. So I wanna be me, with you, an-and, not even the Diamonds will come between us. And if they try, we'll beat em up!
:'''Sapphire''': Ruby, my future used to look like one single, obvious stream, unbending 'til the end of time. In an instant, you pulled me from that destiny and opened my eye to an explosion of infinite possible futures, streaking across space and time, altered and obliterated by the smallest force of will. ''[beat]'' What I mean is, you changed my life. And then, I changed your life. And now, we changed our lives.
:'''Steven''': Bismuth, the rings.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[gently bumps Bismuth]'' Hey Bismuth, that's your cue.
:''[Bismuth, touched and crying by the vows, approaches them with the rings]''
:'''Steven''': Ruby, do you take this Gem to have and to hold, on this and every other planet in the universe!?
:'''Ruby''': I DO!
:'''Steven''': And Sapphire, do you-
:'''Sapphire''': Yes.
:'''Steven''': ''[whispering]'' You didn't let me finish.
:'''Sapphire''': I'm just very excited.
:'''Steven''': Then by the power vested in me by the state of Delmarva, I now pronounce you… Garnet!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': What a wonderful idea. Humans found a way to make a moment's decision last forever. I won't need future vision to know I'll always remember this.
:'''Steven''': I'm so glad. ''[starts tearing up]''
:'''Garnet''': Oh no. I'm sorry. Don't cry.
:'''Steven''': ''[wipes off the tears]'' I guess seeing everyone together got me really choked up. ''[bigger tears begin flowing out of his eyes]'' Wait a second. You don't think…?
:'''Garnet''': ''[takes off her visor, opening her third eye]'' Blue Diamond!
:'''Steven''': She's here?!
:'''Garnet''': And she's not alone.
:''[The sky darkens quickly and everyone looks up to the sky, seeing Blue and Yellow Diamond's ships approaching]''
:'''Steven''': Oh, no. It's the Diamonds! ''[runs up to Nanefua]'' Nanefua, get on your Nane-phone! We've got a code blue ''and'' a code yellow!
:'''Garnet''':
:''[As the Diamond ships approach the beach, they fly overhead them]''
:'''Peridot''': WE'RE OVER HERE, YOU CLODS!
:'''Pearl''': Wha- where are they going?!
:'''Steven''': If they're not here for us, they must be here for the Cluster!
:'''Bismuth''': What's the Cluster?
:'''Steven''': It's a huge earth-destroying geo-weapon that the Diamonds made out of a bajillion gem shards!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': You cannot fathom how much I've mourned, what thousands of years of grief has done to me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': I know this sword. This is the sword that '''SHATTERED HER!''' ''[shatters the sword as Steven gasps, which made Connie fall down only to be caught by Lion]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Blue Diamond!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Who are you supposed to be?
:'''Garnet''': I am the will of two Gems to care for each other, to protect each other from any threat, no matter how vast or how cruel. You couldn't stop me 5,750 years ago, and you can't stop me now!
:'''Blue Diamond''': It's you, that Ruby and Sapphire that disrupted my court.
:'''Garnet''': This is supposed to be MY day!
:'''Blue Diamond''': You hope to defeat me by clinging to my feet?
:'''Garnet''': I just needed to keep you from taking three steps to the right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': Lapis Lazuli? Does every Gem that comes in contact with this planet turn traitor?!
:'''Lapis''': I've felt ''worse.''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': With all our strength together, we can take her down!
:'''Steven''': That's right! This is our home, our planet, our friends and family! We are the Crystal Gems!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Pathetic! You are &lt;big&gt;'''NOTHING!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Ha! I told her off, once. I can do it again. ''[jumps off Bismuth's hands and runs up to Yellow Diamond]'' Hey! Yellow Clod! '''''REMEMBER ME?!'''''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': No. ''[zaps and poofs Peridot to her gemstone]''
:'''Steven''': Stop! ''[jumps off Garnet's hands and runs up to the Diamonds]'' Don't do this! Listen to me, ''I'm'' the one you're missing! I'm Pink Diamond!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[shocked and angry]'' You! ''[charges towards Steven as he summons his shield]''
:'''Garnet''': Steven!
:''[Yellow Diamond stomps her foot on Steven in fury, knocking him out unconsciously]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lapis Lazuli''': What else have you got?! I've only just begun to fight! ''[gets zapped and poofed to her gemstone by Yellow Diamond]''
:'''Steven''': ''[shocked gasp]'' Lapis!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''How miserable. I knew Pink couldn't handle her own colony. But, I gave in. And now, I'm to blame for her fate.''
:'''Steven''': Ah, her thoughts are too strong!
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''What good will any of this do? The more I make these Gems suffer, the more I long to see you again, Pink.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': This feeling, I know it!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': It must be a trick! Show yourself, foe!
:'''Steven''': I'm not your foe. Please, just listen to me!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': There!
:'''Steven''': ''Please, the fighting has to stop. We aren't enemies. We're family. Please listen to me. I need you to know who I am!!!''
:'''Blue Diamond''': Impossible.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': This aura...
:'''Blue Diamond''': It's you! Pink!

===''Legs From Here to Homeworld''===
:'''Garnet''': We can't just hand Steven over to Blue Diamond, she's a shatterer!
:'''Bismuth''': She's not gonna hurt him, look at her. She really thinks he's one of them.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[sobbing loudly]'' Somebody make Blue Diamond stop!
:'''Connie''': Are you guys okay?
:'''Pearl''': It's just… ''[sniffles]'' Blue Diamond's power. She's obviously relieved that Pink Diamond wasn't shattered after all.
:''[Yellow Diamond tries to reactive her ship and Blue Diamond's, but are too damaged]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmm. How could you do this to us, Pink? Why did you let us think you were shattered? Why the strange disguise? Why are you doing a voice? Why didn't you say something at the trial?! And Blue, could you please stop crying? I can't see. ''[wipes her tears, splashing the Gems]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': Sorry. ''[sets Steven down]''
:'''Steven''': My mom kept it secret from everyone.
:'''Pearl''': Ahem.
:'''Steven''': Almost everyone.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What are you talking about?
:'''Steven''': Well, apparently, Mom… Oh, geez. You don't know what a mom is. Okay, Pink Diamond took the form of Rose Quartz permanently after faking her shattering. Then, Rose Quartz gave up ''that'' form to create a new life with my dad-- me. Rose passed her gemstone and some of her powers onto me, but that's all. I-I don't have any of Pink ''or'' Rose's memories. I'm sorry.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmm. I'm sure your memories are in there somewhere, Pink.
:'''Steven''': Actually, I go by &quot;Steven.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': We can only do so much, if it was the ''four'' of us.
:'''Blue Diamond''': Oh, no. We can't let ''her'' see this!
:'''Steven''': Who? Who do we need?!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What do you mean, &quot;who?&quot; White.
:'''Pearl''': ''[shocked]'' White Diamond?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While traveling to Homeworld]''
:'''Steven''': Should I have brought a gift for White Diamond? We ''are'' dropping in unexpectedly, and… I want to make a good first impression. Her help will mean everything for the Corrupted Gems.
:'''Pearl''': Steven...
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmph. &quot;Good impression&quot;? We'll be lucky if she ever ''speaks'' to us again after this.
:'''Steven''': But...
:'''Blue Diamond''': The thing is, White... can be... ''difficult''.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': When we show up in this ship, it will be irrefutable that the last 6,000 years are now the biggest galactic embarrassment that's ever happened. And ''we're'' the ones to blame. (''to Steven'') If you don't want to be in a bubble for the next few millennia, I suggest you let ''me'' do the talking.

===''Familiar''===
:'''Steven''': Pearl!
:'''Pearl''': Steven! ''[runs over to Steven and hugs him]'' Oh, thank the stars! You're okay! What did White Diamond do? Did she hurt you?
:'''Steven''': No, she was like, &quot;Welcome home.&quot; I don't think she understands that I'm not Pink Diamond. Where's Connie? And Garnet and Amethyst?
:'''Pearl''': They're still on the ship. ''[summons a hot dog bag]'' I'm only here because I'm bringing your things. And they consider me one of your things.
:'''Steven''': Yeesh.
:''[Diamond chime plays]''
:'''Pearl''': The Diamond chime -- it's Yellow.
:''[The door opens, revealing Yellow Pearl standing right there]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Diamond, my Diamond has requested your presence in the extraction chamber.
:'''Pearl''': Let's get you into a suit. ''[opens the bag]''
:''[Steven, wearing his yellow swimsuit, Pearl, and Yellow Pearl walk through a yellow hallway]''
:'''Steven''': Swim trunks don't seem very formal.
:'''Pearl''': Trust me, this will be more comfortable than jeans.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Diamond.
:'''Steven''': Please, call me Steven.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Steven.
:'''Steven''': No, just Steven.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Just Steven.
:'''Steven''': Call me... Lasagna.
:'''Pearl''': Steven, stop. You're going to break her. ''[opens the extraction chamber door]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Have a nice extraction, Pink Lasagna.
:''[Steven walks into the extraction chamber sauna]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Pink.
:'''Steven''': Hi, Yellow. Cool sauna.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': It's new. Have a seat. ''[Steven uses his floating powers to jump up and takes a seat]'' So, you met with White. How was it?
:'''Steven''': All I got to say was, &quot;Hi,&quot; and, &quot;um,&quot; and, &quot;I.&quot;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Two and a half words -- that's a record.
:'''Steven''': Two and a half words isn't enough. I still need to talk to White about healing all the corrupted Gems!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmm. Good luck. White never leaves her own head these days, and she never lets anyone in -- except you, I guess. It's so unfair. I have hundreds of successful crystal system colonies, but you get to see her because your one colony is a failure!
:'''Steven''': Maybe you should just… ''fail?''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[looks momentarily shocked, then starts laughing]'' Oh, Pink, you always did have quite a knack for making me laugh. You're almost worth the trouble.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Pearl''': ''[showing up]'' Pink Diamond, my Diamond was requested your presence.
:''[Steven, Pearl, and Blue Pearl walk down a blue hallway]''
:'''Steven''': We barely talked about White at all. She had to rush to do a report, and I couldn't go with her. I get they're, like, busy, 'cause they're dictators and everything, but I need more time! ''[gasps and face-palms]'' I should have asked her what she was doing after the Citron thing!
:'''Pearl''': She'll be at that for a while. Yellow Diamond oversees all aspects of Gem production on every single one of her colonies. And when she's not doing that, she's off with her army, conquering the next one.
:'''Steven''': What about their days off, weekends?
:'''Blue Pearl''': My Diamond is awaiting our arrival.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Pearl''': ''[turns to Pearl]'' Welcome back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': You're here! Come in.
:'''Steven''': Okay! ''[runs and jumps into the pool, laughing]'' Whoo-hoo! (''laughing'') It's funny! I -- I live right next to the ocean, but I end up going to space to swim.
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[laughs, causing the pool to shake a bit]'' You haven't changed. So silly. So small.
:'''Steven''': I'm not done growing. I'm not sure I can catch up to you and Yellow, though.
:'''Blue Diamond''': I'm so glad you're back... Steven.
:'''Steven''': Y-You actually said my name!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Steven. Steee-von? (''chuckles'') It's such a funny sounding name. You're so creative, Pink.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': (''sighs'') This is so weird. Was this some sort of spa day or something? And what about Pink? Did she have a job here, or did she just sit in a room while they were off doing whatever?
:'''Pearl''': Before her colony, Pink used to throw massive balls.
:'''Steven''': ''[surprised]'' She was a juggler?!
:'''Pearl''': No -- Well, yes. But she would also throw parties for the other Diamonds to mark their many accomplishments. Every member of every court would show up to bask in the presence of all four Diamonds.
:'''Steven''': Even White would come?
:'''Pearl''': Oh, yes! Huh. I wonder what's even become of Pink's court.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ♫ Oh, I'll get them all together in one place / And once we're all together face-to-face / I'll show them all the error of their ways / And stop their spread of terror across space! ♫

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I figured it out! Remember back when I was little and maybe kind of annoying, and I couldn't come along on adventures? You guys would still drop everything to hang out with me! That's Pink Diamond! I know I can do this! Just watch -- I'm gonna throw a huge ball, and I'm gonna invite everyone!

===''Together Alone''===
:'''Pearl''': The Pebbles have been working all night. What do you think?
:'''Steven''': It almost feels like home.
:'''Garnet''': Almost.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': A ball? We haven't had a ball in 6,000 years.
:'''Blue Diamond''': We haven't had Pink in 6,000 years!
:'''Steven''': Yeah! When White Diamond shows up we can tell her why we need her help on Earth!
:'''Blue Diamond''': And, this can also mark the beginning of Era 3.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You're right, it's brilliant.
:'''Steven''': Thank you, Yellow! Thank you, Blue!
:'''Blue Diamond''': If White is going to be there everything has to be perfect! Pink, can you manage this on your own? Our Pearls can help you get started.
:'''Blue Pearl''': At your service, Pink Diamond.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Make sure you go through all of our customs with Pink, since she has so much trouble recalling her past here on Homeworld.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Yes, My Diamond.
:'''Pearl''': Era 3! Steven, you're already changing the world!
:'''Steven''': Yeah! Come on, party Pearls!
:'''Yellow and Blue Pearl''': We are at your command, Pink Diamond.
:'''Steven''': Just call me Steven.
:'''Yellow and Blue Pearl''': Whatever you command, Pink Diamond.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': Balloons everywhere! Confetti cannons too!
:'''Amethyst''': Dibs on being the confetti cannon!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Cannons are ''forbidden'' inside palace walls. These &quot;balloons&quot; you're referring to, are unprecedented and therefore out of the question.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Diamond! Your subjects will do the dancing for you! Why would a Diamond want to dance?
:'''Steven''': Because dancing's fun!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': What is &quot;fun&quot;?
:'''Connie''': You know, it's when you do something you wanna do, just because it feels good.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': I don't think we do that here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': The Sapphire will need to enter with the other Sapphires of course, and the Ruby will need to enter with the guard.
:'''Steven''': Woah, woah, woah. Are you talking about Garnet?
:'''Blue Diamond''': Garnet? Does &quot;that&quot; call herself a Garnet? What would you have her do? Enter with the Demantoids, the Hessonites, the Pyropes? Pink, I'm being very generous, but you can't expect me to-
:'''Garnet''': I won't go.
:'''Steven''': Garnet?
:'''Blue Diamond''': At least the Sapphire in there has some sense.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Everyone, behold! The daunting, beauty and elegance that is, Yellow Diamond!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Not a bad turnout, Pink.
:'''Steven''': I appreciate your attendance, Yellow.
:'''Blue Pearl''': Ahem, everyone prepare yourselves emotionally for the overpowering elegance that is, Blue Diamond.
:'''Blue Diamond''': You're doing great.
:'''Steven''': Thank you, Blue.
:'''White Pearl''': To those in attendance of the Era 3 ball, White Diamond... has more important things to attend to.
:'''Steven''': WHAT?!
:'''White Pearl''': Therefore, I will be here to observe in her place. Welcome to Era 3.
:'''Steven''': Gra!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': (''through gritted teeth'') Pink, what are you doing?!
:'''Stevonnie''': I was just dancing! (''sees they have fused and everybody else looks in shock'')
:'''Blue Diamond''': Pink, this is completely unacceptable! Unfuse or I'll make you!
:''[Ruby and Sapphire fuse and become Garnet]''
:'''Garnet''': You'll have to go through me!
:'''Pearl''': (''gasp'') And me! (''Runs over to Amethyst and fuses into Opal'')
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah!
:''[two jades quickly fuse as well]''
:'''Lemon Jade''': And me! ''[Opal and Stevonnie look at Garnet, and she shrugs]'' I knew it! I knew I couldn't be the only one!
:''[Yellow Diamond strikes the Jade Fusion, Opal, and Garnet with her lightning powers, causing them all to poof]''
:'''Stevonnie''': Opal! Garnet!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Pink, you've gone too far even for you. ''[picks up Stevonnie and throws them into a dark room]'' Stay in here and think about what you've done!
:'''Stevonnie''': No, wait!
:''[Yellow Diamond closes the door, ends the episode]''

===''Escapism''===
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[singing]'' ♫ I guess I have to face, that in this awful place, I shouldn't show a trace... of doubt. / But pulled against the grain, I feel a little pain, that I would rather do... without. / I'd rather be free-ee-ee, free-ee-ee, free... / I'd rather be free-ee-ee, free-ee-ee, free... / Free-ee-ee, free-ee-ee, free... / from here. ♫

===''Change Your Mind''===
:'''Steven''': ''[wakes up and looks up at the prison tower window]'' Oh, right -- prison.
:''[Blue Diamond enters]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': I cannot believe you! Making a scene like that.
:''' Steven''': We weren't trying to make a scene! We were just... ''[turns to see that Connie is not present]'' dancing?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': I cannot believe you -- making a scene like that!
:'''Steven''': Whoa -- dejá blue.
:'''Connie''': We didn't mean any harm! I asked Steven to dance; he wasn't trying to cause trouble!
:'''Blue Diamond''': What do you know about this, human?
:'''Connie''': ''[chuckles]'' You think I've never been grounded before?
:'''Blue Diamond''': &quot;Grounded?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': This isn't normal. How many times did you lock her in here? How many times did you make her cry?!
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[defensive]'' I didn't, I... and I'm doing it again... aren't I?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What... are you doing?
:'''Steven''': I'm taking back my friends!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[closes her eyes as she looks up from Steven to readdress Blue; annoyed]'' What are you doing, Blue? Take Pink back to the tower.
:'''Blue Diamond''': She prefers to be called &quot;Steven.&quot;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[slams her hand so forcefully against her throne that it cracks, stands up and assumes an angered stance]'' What are you talking about?! You can't keep bending the rules for her, Blue! She has to set an example, and ''we'' have to set an example! If we bend the rules for her, we have to bend them for everyone!
:'''Connie''': Well, maybe you should!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Take them back to the tower, now!
:'''Blue Diamond''': I won't.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Then I'll do it myself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': When we thought Pink was shattered, when she abandoned us, I alone was there for you, and you would use your power against &lt;big&gt;'''ME?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You'd hurt a fellow Diamond?!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Didn't we hurt Pink?! She was suffering in silence for ages -- just like our Gems -- just like me! And I know ''you're'' suffering in silence, too!
:''[Yellow Diamond claps her fist and uses her lightning power on Blue, causing her to begin to destabilize and scream]''
:'''Steven''': Stop! ''[pulls out his shield and chucks it towards Yellow Diamond's hand, disrupting her concentration]'' You don't have to do this!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Yes, I do! This is what White Diamond expects of all of us. From a thin flake of mica to the deepest, hardest stone, we all must make sacrifices for the sake of our perfect empire.
:'''Steven''': Does ''this'' look perfect to you?! My dad says if every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn't have hot dogs.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': And that means... what?
:'''Steven''': It means if you try and make this empire perfect -- if you just wipe away everything you see as flawed -- you lose all the things that make you happy -- like hot dogs.
:'''Blue Diamond''': Or our Pink.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Uhh... ''[falls to the ground on her knees in an uncharacteristic emotional breakdown]'' Stop. Stop it, Blue. Stop using your power on me...!
:'''Blue Diamond''': I'm not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': Hey, White, I know I was in there with you for a second, but I barely got to talk to you at all. There are so many Gems that are hurting right now. Even Blue and Yellow are hurting. You should hear what they have to say. ''[to Blue and Yellow; whispers]'' This is it.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[struggling]'' We... W-we... We need to talk! About us. I've conquered so many worlds for the sake of the empire. I do everything you ask, and I do it all perfectly. But your very high standards put us all under a ''lot'' of pressure. A Gem could crack under so much pressure. We Diamonds may be hard, but we're also brittle.
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[steps forward]'' White, we used to be close. Don't you remember? When Pink would make us laugh -- all those silly things she did for no reason. There was a reason. She wanted us to be happy together. But we weren't, and we're still not. I know my purpose isn't to be happy, but I find it harder and harder to enforce your rules when they make me miserable. When they make us all miserable.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rainbow Quartz 2.0''': Well, what do you know? It's Rainbow 2.0! Now, this is a fine mess we're in. (''gasps'') That won't do. (''blows raspberry'') Rainbow Quartz powers, activate! Ah, yes. Now that's two stones, with one bird.
:''[Steven and new reformed Pearl unfuse]''
:'''Amethyst''': Wow! Nice form, Pearl.
:'''Pearl''': Oh, ''[chuckles]'' thank you. I'm particularly excited about the jacket. Aah! Steven! We fused!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sunstone''': Awwwwwwwwwww yeah! You better step off! Chillax, my dudes. Your rockin' pal Sunstone is holdin' it down.
:'''Pearl''': Wow!
:'''Amethyst''': Holy...
:'''Connie''': All right!
:'''Peridot''': Unbelievable!
:'''Sunstone''': Oh, you better believe it.
:'''Peridot''': Okay!
:'''Connie''': Sunstone, what are we gonna do? White Diamond's never going to listen, and she's never going to let us leave.
:'''Sunstone''': If she won't listen, we'll ''make'' her listen.
:'''Amethyst''': And ''how'' are we gonna do that?
:'''Sunstone''': I know she's in there. We'll bust into her head and change her mind.
:'''Everyone''': Right!
:'''Sunstone''': Let's take that bully down! ''[to the viewers]'' But remember kids: if you ever have to deal with a bully, be sure to tell an adult. ''[yanks Pearl and Amethyst onto their shoulders and sprints towards the giant pink foot of the ship]'' Ally-oop! ''[summons her suction cups]'' Kids, don't try this at home. Ha! Bungacowa!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': We need to be bigger.
:'''Steven''': Then let's fuse. All four of us. It's the only way we're gonna get up to her head.
:'''Amethyst''': I'm in!
:'''Pearl''': I'm in, too.
:'''Garnet''': Then it's decided. It's time to form Obsidian.
:''[Connie, Bismuth, Peridot, and Lapis back away to give some space for Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, and Steven to perform their fusion dance; Obsidian is formed by letting out a big loud cry for battle]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[amazed]'' They're HU-U-U-U-GE!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': You're wrong! I'm not my mom!
:'''White Diamond''': But don't you know things about her that you couldn't possibly know?
:'''Steven''': I-I've just been connecting with her. My powers, they-they help me to connect to others. I'm not her. I'm just feeling her feelings.
:'''White Diamond''': Isn't it obvious? Even though you've embedded yourself in that human child, your light can't help shining through!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connie''': Don't listen to her Steven! She's just trying to mess with you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''White Diamond''': What is this?! Where is Pink?
:'''Pink Steven''': She's gone.
:'''White Diamond''': What did you say? Answer me!
:'''Pink Steven''': ''[shouting]'' She's &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''GO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-NE!!!!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''White Diamond''': Agh! Don't you raise your shield at me! I only want you to be yourself! If you can't do that, I'll do it &lt;big&gt;FOR YOU!!!&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connie''': Steven! ''[rushes to Steven and hugs him]'' Are you back together? Are you you?
:'''Steven''': Yeah. Yeah! I’m me! I’ve always been me.
:'''White Diamond''': ''NO!'' You are Pink Diamond! That is Pink Diamond's gem! You do not look like this! You do not sound like this! You are not half-human! You're just... acting like a child!
:'''Steven''': I ''am'' a child. What's your excuse?
:'''White Diamond''': ''[starts blushing, and notices the Gems under her control doing the same]'' What's happening? What is this? What's wrong with them? They're turning... pink! I don't understand, I'm in control, I-- ''[gasps]'' Something's wrong! With ME! No!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''White Diamond''': What is this? I feel... ridiculous. Yellow, Blue...
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[gasps]'' She's off-color...
:'''White Diamond''': This can't be happening. I can't have a flaw, I'm supposed to be flawless! If I'm not perfect then... who am I? If you're not Pink, then... who are you? Who is ''anyone?''
:'''Steven''': You know, if you just let everyone be whoever they are, maybe you could let yourself be whoever you are too.
:'''White Diamond''': But I'm not supposed to be like this! I'm supposed to know better, I'm supposed to ''be'' better, I'm supposed to make ''everything'' better!
:'''Steven''': You can. But first, you're gonna have to leave your own head.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Padparadscha''': I predict our long journey through space will soon be over.
:'''Lars''': Welcome home, guys.
:'''Rhodonite''': We finally made it! Earth! No more running, no more hiding! No more Diamond Authority! ''[they notice the Diamonds, who have heard everything]'' Well, we're cracked.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sadie''': Lars... Look at you! You're... you're a space pirate!
:'''Lars''': Look at you! You're a rock star!
:'''Sadie''': ''[Laughs] Well... ''[Laughs]''
:''[They both laugh in unison]''
:'''Lars''': I think it suits us!
:'''Sadie''': Yeah. Me, too!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[singing]'' ♫ I don’t need you to respect me, I respect me. / I don’t need you to love me, I love me. / But I want you to know you could know me, / If you change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind, / If you change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind, / If you change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind, / Change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind. ♫

[[Category:Steven Universe seasons]]</text>
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]]
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{{italic title}}
The following is a list of quotes from the fifth season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''.

===''Stuck Together''===
:'''Aquamarine''': Say, Rose, how do I look?
:'''Steven''': Awful, small and mean!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Topaz''': What was I thinking?
:'''Aquamarine''': That's the problem with you fusions. Sooner or later, you will become ''sentimental.'' ''[the ship rumbles, coming to a stop and a notification pops up]'' We're here. Look, just… unfuse, and we'll never speak of this again.

===''The Trial''===
:'''Steven''': ''[speaking to himself]'' I know my mom did something really bad. Whatever Homeworld has in store for me… I'M READY!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prosecuting Zircon''': Defending a rebel? Isn't that… ''treason?'' ''[chuckles]''
:'''Defense Zircon''': I was ''assigned'' to this!
:''[Blue and Yellow Pearl warp in]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': All rise for the luminous Yellow Diamond! ''[poses]''
:'''Blue Pearl''': And the lustrous Blue Diamond. ''[bows]''
:''[Blue and Yellow Diamond warp in behind them, staring down at Steven]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[looking around]'' Where is the accused?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[looks down at Steven]'' Is that Rose Quartz? Look at this ''hideous'' she's taken. Forget the trial, we should shatter just for looking like that.
:'''Blue Diamond''': No. I want to hear her make her case. I want to know what she thinks we're going to do with her. Because  I want to do something ''worse''.
:''[Steven gulps nervously]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[warps in their throne chairs]'' Fine. Let's just get on with it, shall we?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I did it!
:'''Defense Zircon''': Wha… What, what?! Stop!
:'''Blue Diamond''': No! I want to hear what she has to say.
:''[Steven is elevated up to the Diamonds' height]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': State your name for the record, please.
:'''Steven''': I, um… I am Rose Quartz… and I'm guilty.
:'''Defense Zircon''': Wait! No, don't say that!
:'''Steven''': Everything you guys I did, I did. And I did it by myself. I'm sorry. I'll accept any punishment you want to give me. ''[points down to Lars]'' Just let him go! And leave the Earth alone.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Ha! Sounds like a solid confession to me.
:'''Blue Diamond''': How? How did you do it? How did you shatter Pink Diamond?
:'''Steven''': ''[nervously]'' Um, well…I did it on Earth in front of Pink Diamond's palanquin. I was probably like &quot;Stop!&quot; And she was all like, &quot;No!&quot; So we fought -- I think. And she probably did some cool moves. I probably did some cool stuff, too, some jump-kicks and stuff. But I was most likely deeply conflicted about deciding to shatter her. Definitely crying. I probably had to use the Breaking Point to do it.
:'''Blue Diamond''': It was a ''sword!'' ''[covers her eyes, crying and a blue light fills the room, making everyone except Lars tear up]'' You… shattered her… with a sword! ''[starts sobbing]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[walks up and comforts Blue]'' That's quite enough testimony from you! We shall take a short recess.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Defense Zircon''': What are you saying in there?! &quot;Maybe&quot; this, &quot;probably&quot; that! Oh, what do you mean, ''probably''?!
:'''Steven''': Look I just... I don't actually know how it happened, okay?
:'''Defense Zircon''': You don't ''know''?!
:'''Steven''': I...
:'''Defense Zircon''': ''[grabs Steven by the shirt collar and picks him up]'' Don't tumble my rocks! Both our gems are on the line! Did you do this or not?!
:'''Steven''': It was me, alright! ''[Defense Zircon let's go of his shirt and drops him]'' Rose Quartz did it, and I've got her gem, so I'm the one who's got to pay for this.
:'''Defense Zircon''': You don't know how it happened. ''[Steven shakes his head]'' I get it. There's a reason they want you to explain how you did it.
:'''Steven''': Huh?
:'''Defense Zircon''': It's because it doesn't make sense!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You think you can get away, Rose? You stood your ground on that little speck called Earth. But you're on ''our'' world now.

===''Off Colors''===
:'''Padparadscha''': Oh my gosh, something incredible is going to happen to Lars!

===''Lars' Head''===
:'''Steven''': But it doesn't feel right to just leave you here.
:'''Lars''': You said yourself that everyone on this planet is out to get you. You won't be safe until you're back on Earth.
:'''Steven''': But, Lars--
:'''Lars''': Don't argue with me! You're always trying to help me. You brought me back to life. Just let me be somebody who deserved it.

===''Dewey Wins''===

===''Gemcation''===

===''Raising the Barn''===

===''Back to the Kindergarten''===
:'''Peridot''': This used to make sense to me. I thought life was generated in a kindergarten. Formless, aimless energy channeled into new, useful gems. But life doesn't start in a kindergarten. It ends here. I've gotten used to plants everywhere. Bugs and breeze and sunshine...all of that has been sucked out of this place. 

===''Sadie Killer''===

===''Kevin Party''===

===''Lars of the Stars''===
:'''Emerald''': ''[on screen]'' It's over! I've got you now you miserable off-colors!
:'''Lars''': You'll ''never'' take us alive, Emerald!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lars''': You don't get it, do you, Steven? ''[starts tearing up and sniffles]'' It should be me. ''[starts crying]'' ''I'm'' the one that should be hanging out with the Cool Kids! She's getting back at me for everything I've done!
:'''Connie''': Do you really think Sadie is living her life ''just'' to get back at you?
:'''Lars''': Why else would she be having so much fun without me?!
:'''Steven''': Because life goes on, no matter what happens. She was so upset when she found out you'd be stuck in space, Lars. She really misses you, but, she can't stay sad forever. She started hanging out with the Cool Kids. She quit the Big Donut, all because she needed to do ''something'' to feel better.
:'''Connie''': And look at you! Steven said you'd be hiding in some cave on Homeworld, but you're not! You're out here fighting for freedom with all your new friends in tow! Are ''you'' doing any of this to hurt Sadie?
:'''Lars''': No! I'm doing this because I have to. ''[tears up]'' I'd never do this to hurt Sadie because-
:'''Steven''': Because!
:'''Connie''': Because!
:'''Both''': Because you're best friends!
:''[Lars watches them fuse into Stevonnie]''
:'''Stevonnie''': And best friends wouldn't do anything to hurt each other!

===''Jungle Moon''===
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[squealing in excitement]'' Whoa, cool! Yellow! ''[jumps up to her chair]'' Hey, Yellow.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Oh, you're still here.
:'''Stevonnie''': What are you doing?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm commanding the dropships to colonize this planet.
:'''Stevonnie''': I wanna command a dropship!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Well, when you have your ''own'' colony, you can command whatever you want.
:'''Stevonnie''': I want a colony! ''[Yellow Diamond presses buttons on the panel with four diamonds]'' I want one now! ''[screen unlocks revealing a dropship on the panel]'' What's this?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm contacting the leader of the fleet.
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[amazed]'' Let me do it! ''[starts pressing buttons on the screen but Yellow Diamond grabs her arm]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[angrily]'' DON'T TOUCH THAT!
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[irritated]'' Why ''not''? You have so many worlds and I don't even have ''one''! It's not fair! I want ONE! I want my own ''army''! I want my own ''planet''! I deserve it! I'm just as important as ''YOU''!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[angrily]'' Then why don't you act like it, Pink?!
:''[Stevonnie walks away, holding their arm, angry; approach a window and their fist clenches; Pink Diamond is seen through their reflection and the hand punches the glass smashing it; She suddenly wakes up from the dream, falling out of the hammock on the ground]''
:'''Stevonnie''': (''talking through Connie'') Whoa! ''[breathing hard]'' Steven, what was that? (''talking through Steven'') Diamonds. I'm having Diamond dreams again. But, why now? Why ''here''? ''[looks up and see a mural of Yellow Diamond]'' No way.

===''Your Mother and Mine''===
:'''Garnet''': Come on, everyone. Let me tell you the story of the ''real'' Rose Quartz. ''[Flashback story begins; narrating]'' It was Era 1. The Diamonds, unique in their flawlessness, sought to expand their perfection across the galaxy. And it was for this purpose that Pink Diamond chose her first colony-- the planet Earth. On Earth, every Gem was made to serve Pink Diamond, each with a role to play in her world's perfect empire. In comparison to their creator, their existence was ordinary. They were life-forms only meant to fit their mold, and no one had ever dared to think otherwise. Until, there was Rose Quartz. In stature, she was no different than any other Quartz. And for a time, she did her best to carry out her Diamond's bidding. However, she began to take notice of her strange colony and the life that existed there. Curiosity turned to appreciation. Appreciation turned to fondness. And fondness… turned to love. Soon she was unable to keep her findings secret, and she began asking her fellow Gems if they knew of the life on Earth and what they made of it. She continued to pry her fellow Kindergartners with questions ''so'' odd, that word of her eventually made its way to Pink Diamond. Rose Quartz was summoned at once.
:'''Pink Diamond''': Quartz, what have you been saying down there?
:'''Rose''': My Diamond, it has come to my attention that your colony, Earth, bears life. While I know these organic life-forms serve no purpose, I ask that we leave this planet and spare their lives.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Pink Diamond thought for a moment, and then laughed, a wicked, empty sound.
:'''Pink Diamond''': ''[laughing]'' You wish to save these life-forms at the expense of our own? Ha! Don't be absurd. Return to your post, and I will forget your insolence.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' And with that, Rose Quartz was dragged back to her kindergarten for duty. ''[A gem drags Rose away and she continues working]'' Only Rose could no longer stand to continue aiding in the destruction of Earth. She had no choice. She had to fight.
:'''Rose''': ''[stops working and jumps into the air, changing her uniform into a dress before destroying an injector, stands on the broken injector and speaks to the other Quartzes]'' Is this what you want -- to inject, to build?! I've seen the life that exists for itself, and it lives here! Will you destroy it, or will you join it?
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Rose's message began to resonate to Pink Diamond's dismay. Her colony was falling apart. So, like a coward, she called for her Diamond allies, Yellow and Blue, to help. But Rose also found herself with allies, other Gems that were cast out for being wrong-- a Pearl who belonged to no one… a Bismuth who built weapons for rebels instead of towers for tyrants… An entirely new fusion, for not power, but for love… And countless others, all inspired by Rose to live for ourselves on Earth. She was our leader. And Earth was our precious home. And those who fought to save it became known as…the Crystal Gems!
:'''Rhodonite''': Unbelievable!
:'''Rutile Twins''': There were Gems like us?
:'''Padparadscha''': Fighting.
:'''Fluorite''': For… their… freedom?
:'''Garnet''': Yes, and we were fearless! ''[Flashback resumes; narrating]'' It was an impossible fight, but we fought anyway. And the more Gems who saw us, the more who joined. But Pink Diamond's forces proved too strong. Rose feared that soon she would have nothing left to protect. Rose Quartz drew her rebel blade… and shattered Pink Diamond, saving the Earth for all time from her reign of terror.
:'''Rutile Twins''': Wow! That's incredible! I don't believe it!
:'''Lars''': ''[to Steven]'' Your mom did all that? That's awesome!
:'''Rhodonite''': Wait. What about the rest? What happened after that?
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The other Diamonds were furious. In a last-ditch attempt to wipe out the Rebellion, the Diamonds launched a direct attack against Earth. And in their fury, they used their powers to end the fighting once and for all.
:'''Padparadscha''': I predict this story won't have a happy ending.
:'''Rutile Twins''': We were all told different stories. But they all ended the same way.
:'''Fluorite''': With Rose Quartz… being… defeated.
:'''Rhodonite''': This new version of the story is even worse! So, she was great, and they beat her? What are we supposed to get out of this -- that we can never win?!
:'''Garnet''': We haven't yet, but we can, and we will. They said they annihilated Rose's rebellion, but here ''we'' are. They said they annihilated all of you on Homeworld, but here ''you'' are! They think they have us on the run, but they're the ones that are running from the truth. And the truth is we... are... everywhere!
:'''Rhodonite''': But how many more of us can there be?
:'''Steven''': Way more than you think! I was only on Homeworld for, like, an hour before I ran in to you guys. There must be Off Colors all over the place.
:'''Garnet''': Rose used to say there was something about Earth -- something that set Gems free. But it's not just Earth. Look at you. Love, freedom -- it's universal. You all prove it every moment you live as yourselves. You can show everyone.
:'''Fluorite''': We… can do that?
:'''Lars''': Not while we're floating out here like sitting ducks.

===''The Big Show''===

===''Pool Hopping''===
:'''Garnet''': I think I get it.
:'''Steven''': Hm?
:'''Garnet''': Why my future vision has been so off. I have to change the way I think about you. 
:'''Steven''': What?
:'''Garnet''': I've been looking into probable futures where you act like a child. I keep expecting you to run from responsibility and to turn to me for help, but you don't do that anymore. Those futures aren't probable at all. There's nothing wrong with this timeline or my future vision. I just need to factor in that you've grown up.

===''Letters to Lars''===

===''Can't Go Back''===
:'''Blue Diamond''': But this is what you wanted.
:'''Steven''': ''[wakes up and gasps; turns to see Lapis is nowhere to be seen]'' Lapis? ''[turns forward to the silhouettes of Blue, Yellow, and Pink Diamond]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': You begged us for a colony of your own, and now all you want to do is be rid of it. First there were too many organics. Then their cities were too difficult to dismantle, and -- and now these Crystal Gems. We're tired of your excuses, Pink. We're tired of your excuses, Pink.
:'''Steven''': The Diamonds.
:'''Blue Diamonds''': This Rose Quartz can't hurt you. You can't be swayed by a few unruly Gems. ''[Holds her hand up as Pink Diamond is about to say something]'' Enough! You must understand, you are a Diamond. Everyone on this planet is looking to you. You don't even have to do anything. Just smile and wave. Show everyone you're unfazed by this little uprising. Your Gems will fall into line, and these Crystal Gems will be no more. As long as you are there to rule, this colony will be completed.

===''A Single Pale Rose''===
:'''Steven''': It better not turn out that her phone was in her pocket...or she left it on the dresser or dropped it in the toilet. Seems about as likely as putting it away in your repressed war memories.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Steven returns from Pearl's gem after learning the truth about how Rose Quartz &quot;shattered&quot; Pink Diamond]''
:'''Steven''': I know.  
:'''Pearl''': ''[tearing up]'' I wanted to tell you for ''so'' long.
:'''Steven''': Mom was Pink Diamond.
:''[Garnet and Amethyst stand in shock behind Steven]''
:'''Amethyst''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAAAAAAAAAT?!?'''&lt;/big&gt;

===''Now We're Only Falling Apart''===
:'''Amethyst''': Let me get this straight. Rose Quartz, leader of the Crystal Gems, Steven's mom, was actually Pink Diamond?!
:'''Steven''': She faked her own shattering, and reformed to be Rose all the time.
:'''Pearl''': Pink Diamond's final command to me was that no one could know, but now that Steven does, I can finally tell you all everything!
:'''Amethyst''': Phew! I mean, a pink lion, a pink sword, and now Pink Diamond?! Huh, if you told me Rose invented cotton candy, I'd believe it. Right, Garnet? Uh, Garnet?
:'''Garnet''': ''[shaking and gets up]'' Rose. She... she... ''[struggles to stay stable and defuses into Ruby and Sapphire]''
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire...
:'''Sapphire''': ''[betrayed and heartbroken with fury]'' '''SHE LIED TO US!''' She lied about EVERYTHING! ''[freezes up the floor]'' She held our hands, looked us right in the eyes, and told us to never question who we are as Garnet. We never questioned ourselves, or her!
:'''Ruby''': We couldn't have known!
:'''Sapphire''': No, you couldn't have known. You never know what's going on. That's what I'm for!
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire...
:'''Sapphire''': But I never looked into her, I trusted her... I let her make fools of us all!
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire, wait!
:'''Steven''': Guys! ''[slips on the ice]''
:'''Ruby''': Please...We can just stay calm and talk about this, right? Let's just, talk.
:'''Sapphire''': Talk about what? How our relationship is based on a lie? What else is there to say? ''[warps to Rose's Fountain]''
:'''Pearl''': Ruby, I am so sorry...
:'''Steven''': Come on, Pearl. Help me explain everything to Sapphire.
:'''Pearl''': Right.
:'''Steven''': Sit tight, Ruby. We'll go and get Sapphire.
:'''Ruby''': Okay. ''[starts crying]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sapphire''': ''[grieving]'' Everything we were running from, she was right there all along…using us for her little war…smiling at us with those knowing eyes… Making me believe in a better future that I couldn't see, because it wasn't real. And now here we are, our friends, shattered, and corrupted…of course she was a Diamond. What a long road she took to torture us all like this.
:'''Steven''': It wasn't like that. You know she didn't want anyone to get hurt.
:'''Sapphire''': I don't know that! I clearly don't know anything.
:'''Pearl''': You deserve to know everything. I was given to Pink Diamond a few thousand years before she was given the Earth. I was supposed to make her happy, I just never could.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': Is everything alright, my Diamond? You seem troubled.
:'''Rose''': All this life that's been growing wild here on Earth…none of it will survive my invasion. We're not creating life from nothing. We're ''taking'' life, and leaving nothing behind.
:'''Pearl''': Forgive me, my Diamond. I shouldn't have brought you to such a place.
:'''Rose''': No. I needed to see this.
:''[scene shifts back to the fountain]''
:'''Steven''': So she ''did'' want to protect Earth. She didn't realize what the colony was doing to the planet.
:'''Sapphire''': So what?! She suddenly started to care about Earth? Why did she have to rope us into all this? Why couldn't she just stop the colonization herself?
:'''Pearl''': She ''tried''. When she told the other Diamonds she didn't want to go through with the colony, they told her to finish what she started. When she told the other Diamonds she wanted to preserve life on Earth, they created the zoo and threw a handful of humans in. She did everything she could as Pink Diamond. But her status meant nothing to Blue and Yellow. So she decided to make a stand, as someone they couldn't ignore. She was going to scare every Gem off the planet. But everything changed when she saw…your fusion.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': Before Garnet, Rose was only fighting for Earth. But Garnet changed everything. Rose wanted to fight for her, she wanted to fight for Gems! And maybe she was foolish, and maybe even...selfish, but she was-
:'''Sapphire''': Following us.
:'''Pearl''': What?
:'''Sapphire''': This whole time, we thought we were following her, but she was following ''us''. How could she not after you swept her off her feet?

===''What's your Problem''===

===''The Question''===

===''Made of Honor''===
:'''Steven''': So, my Dad will finish playing the music, and then next you'll do the &quot;I do&quot;s. And then I'll say… &quot;I now pronounce you Garnet.&quot; And then you fuse! Everyone will cheer!
:'''Sapphire''': Everyone… who survived.
:'''Ruby''': Huh?
:'''Sapphire''': Oh, it's just… There's so many old friends who won't be able to come. All the Crystal Gems who were corrupted and bubbled in the basement.
:'''Ruby''': Maybe we could bring the bubbles up here?
:'''Sapphire''': No, no. It's not safe. We can't risk them getting out.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bismuth''': Hey everyone. Did you guys &quot;Bismi-th&quot; me?
:''[Pearl, Sapphire, Ruby and Amethyst drop their sodas simultaneously]''
:'''Peridot''': Ha! I win! Also, less importantly, who are you?
:'''Steven''': I… invited Bismuth! I hope that's cool.
:'''Sapphire''': ''[slowly walks up to her]'' Bismuth. ''[hugs her]''
:'''Bismuth''': Whoa, Sapphire!
:'''Pearl and Ruby''': Bismuth! ''[tackle her to the floor, and begin nuzzling her]''
:'''Sapphire''': You wouldn't believe what we've all been through. I'm so sorry! We should've-
:'''Bismuth''': Look, I'm right there with you, Steven filled me in.
:'''Peridot''': So, is anyone going to introduce me?
:'''Amethyst''': Let's give 'em some space.

===''Reunited''===
:'''Steven''': Dearly beloved Gems, humans, lions big and small, living gourds, Onion, we are gathered here today to celebrate Ruby and Sapphire, two of my favorite people, who combine into one of my other favorite people! You all probably know her as Garnet. She's their love, given form. Now it's your turn to talk about that.
:'''Ruby''': I know this is all kind of silly, I mean, we've been together for 5,750 years.
:'''Sapphire''': And 8 months.
:'''Ruby''': I used to feel like I wasn't much good, just one of me on my own. But when we're together, it feels like it's okay to just be me. So I wanna be me, with you, an-and, not even the Diamonds will come between us. And if they try, we'll beat em up!
:'''Sapphire''': Ruby, my future used to look like one single, obvious stream, unbending 'til the end of time. In an instant, you pulled me from that destiny and opened my eye to an explosion of infinite possible futures, streaking across space and time, altered and obliterated by the smallest force of will. ''[beat]'' What I mean is, you changed my life. And then, I changed your life. And now, we changed our lives.
:'''Steven''': Bismuth, the rings.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[gently bumps Bismuth]'' Hey Bismuth, that's your cue.
:''[Bismuth, touched and crying by the vows, approaches them with the rings]''
:'''Steven''': Ruby, do you take this Gem to have and to hold, on this and every other planet in the universe!?
:'''Ruby''': I DO!
:'''Steven''': And Sapphire, do you-
:'''Sapphire''': Yes.
:'''Steven''': ''[whispering]'' You didn't let me finish.
:'''Sapphire''': I'm just very excited.
:'''Steven''': Then by the power vested in me by the state of Delmarva, I now pronounce you… Garnet!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': What a wonderful idea. Humans found a way to make a moment's decision last forever. I won't need future vision to know I'll always remember this.
:'''Steven''': I'm so glad. ''[starts tearing up]''
:'''Garnet''': Oh no. I'm sorry. Don't cry.
:'''Steven''': ''[wipes off the tears]'' I guess seeing everyone together got me really choked up. ''[bigger tears begin flowing out of his eyes]'' Wait a second. You don't think…?
:'''Garnet''': ''[takes off her visor, opening her third eye]'' Blue Diamond!
:'''Steven''': She's here?!
:'''Garnet''': And she's not alone.
:''[The sky darkens quickly and everyone looks up to the sky, seeing Blue and Yellow Diamond's ships approaching]''
:'''Steven''': Oh, no. It's the Diamonds! ''[runs up to Nanefua]'' Nanefua, get on your Nane-phone! We've got a code blue ''and'' a code yellow!
:'''Garnet''': This is it.
:''[As the Diamond ships approach the beach, they fly overhead them]''
:'''Peridot''': WE'RE OVER HERE, YOU CLODS!
:'''Pearl''': Wha- where are they going?!
:'''Steven''': If they're not here for us, they must be here for the Cluster!
:'''Bismuth''': What's the Cluster?
:'''Steven''': It's a huge earth-destroying geo-weapon that the Diamonds made out of a bajillion gem shards!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': You cannot fathom how much I've mourned, what thousands of years of grief has done to me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': I know this sword. This is the sword that '''SHATTERED HER!''' ''[shatters the sword as Steven gasps, which made Connie fall down only to be caught by Lion]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Blue Diamond!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Who are you supposed to be?
:'''Garnet''': I am the will of two Gems to care for each other, to protect each other from any threat, no matter how vast or how cruel. You couldn't stop me 5,750 years ago, and you can't stop me now!
:'''Blue Diamond''': It's you, that Ruby and Sapphire that disrupted my court.
:'''Garnet''': This is supposed to be MY day!
:'''Blue Diamond''': You hope to defeat me by clinging to my feet?
:'''Garnet''': I just needed to keep you from taking three steps to the right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': Lapis Lazuli? Does every Gem that comes in contact with this planet turn traitor?!
:'''Lapis''': I've felt ''worse.''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': With all our strength together, we can take her down!
:'''Steven''': That's right! This is our home, our planet, our friends and family! We are the Crystal Gems!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Pathetic! You are &lt;big&gt;'''NOTHING!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Ha! I told her off, once. I can do it again. ''[jumps off Bismuth's hands and runs up to Yellow Diamond]'' Hey! Yellow Clod! '''''REMEMBER ME?!'''''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': No. ''[zaps and poofs Peridot to her gemstone]''
:'''Steven''': Stop! ''[jumps off Garnet's hands and runs up to the Diamonds]'' Don't do this! Listen to me, ''I'm'' the one you're missing! I'm Pink Diamond!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[shocked and angry]'' You! ''[charges towards Steven as he summons his shield]''
:'''Garnet''': Steven!
:''[Yellow Diamond stomps her foot on Steven in fury, knocking him out unconsciously]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lapis Lazuli''': What else have you got?! I've only just begun to fight! ''[gets zapped and poofed to her gemstone by Yellow Diamond]''
:'''Steven''': ''[shocked gasp]'' Lapis!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''How miserable. I knew Pink couldn't handle her own colony. But, I gave in. And now, I'm to blame for her fate.''
:'''Steven''': Ah, her thoughts are too strong!
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''What good will any of this do? The more I make these Gems suffer, the more I long to see you again, Pink.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': This feeling, I know it!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': It must be a trick! Show yourself, foe!
:'''Steven''': I'm not your foe. Please, just listen to me!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': There!
:'''Steven''': ''Please, the fighting has to stop. We aren't enemies. We're family. Please listen to me. I need you to know who I am!!!''
:'''Blue Diamond''': Impossible.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': This aura...
:'''Blue Diamond''': It's you! Pink!

===''Legs From Here to Homeworld''===
:'''Garnet''': We can't just hand Steven over to Blue Diamond, she's a shatterer!
:'''Bismuth''': She's not gonna hurt him, look at her. She really thinks he's one of them.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[sobbing loudly]'' Somebody make Blue Diamond stop!
:'''Connie''': Are you guys okay?
:'''Pearl''': It's just… ''[sniffles]'' Blue Diamond's power. She's obviously relieved that Pink Diamond wasn't shattered after all.
:''[Yellow Diamond tries to reactive her ship and Blue Diamond's, but are too damaged]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmm. How could you do this to us, Pink? Why did you let us think you were shattered? Why the strange disguise? Why are you doing a voice? Why didn't you say something at the trial?! And Blue, could you please stop crying? I can't see. ''[wipes her tears, splashing the Gems]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': Sorry. ''[sets Steven down]''
:'''Steven''': My mom kept it secret from everyone.
:'''Pearl''': Ahem.
:'''Steven''': Almost everyone.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What are you talking about?
:'''Steven''': Well, apparently, Mom… Oh, geez. You don't know what a mom is. Okay, Pink Diamond took the form of Rose Quartz permanently after faking her shattering. Then, Rose Quartz gave up ''that'' form to create a new life with my dad-- me. Rose passed her gemstone and some of her powers onto me, but that's all. I-I don't have any of Pink ''or'' Rose's memories. I'm sorry.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmm. I'm sure your memories are in there somewhere, Pink.
:'''Steven''': Actually, I go by &quot;Steven.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': We can only do so much, if it was the ''four'' of us.
:'''Blue Diamond''': Oh, no. We can't let ''her'' see this!
:'''Steven''': Who? Who do we need?!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What do you mean, &quot;who?&quot; White.
:'''Pearl''': ''[shocked]'' White Diamond?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While traveling to Homeworld]''
:'''Steven''': Should I have brought a gift for White Diamond? We ''are'' dropping in unexpectedly, and… I want to make a good first impression. Her help will mean everything for the Corrupted Gems.
:'''Pearl''': Steven...
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmph. &quot;Good impression&quot;? We'll be lucky if she ever ''speaks'' to us again after this.
:'''Steven''': But...
:'''Blue Diamond''': The thing is, White... can be... ''difficult''.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': When we show up in this ship, it will be irrefutable that the last 6,000 years are now the biggest galactic embarrassment that's ever happened. And ''we're'' the ones to blame. (''to Steven'') If you don't want to be in a bubble for the next few millennia, I suggest you let ''me'' do the talking.

===''Familiar''===
:'''Steven''': Pearl!
:'''Pearl''': Steven! ''[runs over to Steven and hugs him]'' Oh, thank the stars! You're okay! What did White Diamond do? Did she hurt you?
:'''Steven''': No, she was like, &quot;Welcome home.&quot; I don't think she understands that I'm not Pink Diamond. Where's Connie? And Garnet and Amethyst?
:'''Pearl''': They're still on the ship. ''[summons a hot dog bag]'' I'm only here because I'm bringing your things. And they consider me one of your things.
:'''Steven''': Yeesh.
:''[Diamond chime plays]''
:'''Pearl''': The Diamond chime -- it's Yellow.
:''[The door opens, revealing Yellow Pearl standing right there]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Diamond, my Diamond has requested your presence in the extraction chamber.
:'''Pearl''': Let's get you into a suit. ''[opens the bag]''
:''[Steven, wearing his yellow swimsuit, Pearl, and Yellow Pearl walk through a yellow hallway]''
:'''Steven''': Swim trunks don't seem very formal.
:'''Pearl''': Trust me, this will be more comfortable than jeans.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Diamond.
:'''Steven''': Please, call me Steven.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Steven.
:'''Steven''': No, just Steven.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Just Steven.
:'''Steven''': Call me... Lasagna.
:'''Pearl''': Steven, stop. You're going to break her. ''[opens the extraction chamber door]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Have a nice extraction, Pink Lasagna.
:''[Steven walks into the extraction chamber sauna]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Pink.
:'''Steven''': Hi, Yellow. Cool sauna.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': It's new. Have a seat. ''[Steven uses his floating powers to jump up and takes a seat]'' So, you met with White. How was it?
:'''Steven''': All I got to say was, &quot;Hi,&quot; and, &quot;um,&quot; and, &quot;I.&quot;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Two and a half words -- that's a record.
:'''Steven''': Two and a half words isn't enough. I still need to talk to White about healing all the corrupted Gems!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmm. Good luck. White never leaves her own head these days, and she never lets anyone in -- except you, I guess. It's so unfair. I have hundreds of successful crystal system colonies, but you get to see her because your one colony is a failure!
:'''Steven''': Maybe you should just… ''fail?''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[looks momentarily shocked, then starts laughing]'' Oh, Pink, you always did have quite a knack for making me laugh. You're almost worth the trouble.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Pearl''': ''[showing up]'' Pink Diamond, my Diamond was requested your presence.
:''[Steven, Pearl, and Blue Pearl walk down a blue hallway]''
:'''Steven''': We barely talked about White at all. She had to rush to do a report, and I couldn't go with her. I get they're, like, busy, 'cause they're dictators and everything, but I need more time! ''[gasps and face-palms]'' I should have asked her what she was doing after the Citron thing!
:'''Pearl''': She'll be at that for a while. Yellow Diamond oversees all aspects of Gem production on every single one of her colonies. And when she's not doing that, she's off with her army, conquering the next one.
:'''Steven''': What about their days off, weekends?
:'''Blue Pearl''': My Diamond is awaiting our arrival.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Pearl''': ''[turns to Pearl]'' Welcome back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': You're here! Come in.
:'''Steven''': Okay! ''[runs and jumps into the pool, laughing]'' Whoo-hoo! (''laughing'') It's funny! I -- I live right next to the ocean, but I end up going to space to swim.
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[laughs, causing the pool to shake a bit]'' You haven't changed. So silly. So small.
:'''Steven''': I'm not done growing. I'm not sure I can catch up to you and Yellow, though.
:'''Blue Diamond''': I'm so glad you're back... Steven.
:'''Steven''': Y-You actually said my name!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Steven. Steee-von? (''chuckles'') It's such a funny sounding name. You're so creative, Pink.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': (''sighs'') This is so weird. Was this some sort of spa day or something? And what about Pink? Did she have a job here, or did she just sit in a room while they were off doing whatever?
:'''Pearl''': Before her colony, Pink used to throw massive balls.
:'''Steven''': ''[surprised]'' She was a juggler?!
:'''Pearl''': No -- Well, yes. But she would also throw parties for the other Diamonds to mark their many accomplishments. Every member of every court would show up to bask in the presence of all four Diamonds.
:'''Steven''': Even White would come?
:'''Pearl''': Oh, yes! Huh. I wonder what's even become of Pink's court.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ♫ Oh, I'll get them all together in one place / And once we're all together face-to-face / I'll show them all the error of their ways / And stop their spread of terror across space! ♫

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I figured it out! Remember back when I was little and maybe kind of annoying, and I couldn't come along on adventures? You guys would still drop everything to hang out with me! That's Pink Diamond! I know I can do this! Just watch -- I'm gonna throw a huge ball, and I'm gonna invite everyone!

===''Together Alone''===
:'''Pearl''': The Pebbles have been working all night. What do you think?
:'''Steven''': It almost feels like home.
:'''Garnet''': Almost.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': A ball? We haven't had a ball in 6,000 years.
:'''Blue Diamond''': We haven't had Pink in 6,000 years!
:'''Steven''': Yeah! When White Diamond shows up we can tell her why we need her help on Earth!
:'''Blue Diamond''': And, this can also mark the beginning of Era 3.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You're right, it's brilliant.
:'''Steven''': Thank you, Yellow! Thank you, Blue!
:'''Blue Diamond''': If White is going to be there everything has to be perfect! Pink, can you manage this on your own? Our Pearls can help you get started.
:'''Blue Pearl''': At your service, Pink Diamond.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Make sure you go through all of our customs with Pink, since she has so much trouble recalling her past here on Homeworld.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Yes, My Diamond.
:'''Pearl''': Era 3! Steven, you're already changing the world!
:'''Steven''': Yeah! Come on, party Pearls!
:'''Yellow and Blue Pearl''': We are at your command, Pink Diamond.
:'''Steven''': Just call me Steven.
:'''Yellow and Blue Pearl''': Whatever you command, Pink Diamond.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': Balloons everywhere! Confetti cannons too!
:'''Amethyst''': Dibs on being the confetti cannon!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Cannons are ''forbidden'' inside palace walls. These &quot;balloons&quot; you're referring to, are unprecedented and therefore out of the question.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Diamond! Your subjects will do the dancing for you! Why would a Diamond want to dance?
:'''Steven''': Because dancing's fun!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': What is &quot;fun&quot;?
:'''Connie''': You know, it's when you do something you wanna do, just because it feels good.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': I don't think we do that here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': The Sapphire will need to enter with the other Sapphires of course, and the Ruby will need to enter with the guard.
:'''Steven''': Woah, woah, woah. Are you talking about Garnet?
:'''Blue Diamond''': Garnet? Does &quot;that&quot; call herself a Garnet? What would you have her do? Enter with the Demantoids, the Hessonites, the Pyropes? Pink, I'm being very generous, but you can't expect me to-
:'''Garnet''': I won't go.
:'''Steven''': Garnet?
:'''Blue Diamond''': At least the Sapphire in there has some sense.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Everyone, behold! The daunting, beauty and elegance that is, Yellow Diamond!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Not a bad turnout, Pink.
:'''Steven''': I appreciate your attendance, Yellow.
:'''Blue Pearl''': Ahem, everyone prepare yourselves emotionally for the overpowering elegance that is, Blue Diamond.
:'''Blue Diamond''': You're doing great.
:'''Steven''': Thank you, Blue.
:'''White Pearl''': To those in attendance of the Era 3 ball, White Diamond... has more important things to attend to.
:'''Steven''': WHAT?!
:'''White Pearl''': Therefore, I will be here to observe in her place. Welcome to Era 3.
:'''Steven''': Gra!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': (''through gritted teeth'') Pink, what are you doing?!
:'''Stevonnie''': I was just dancing! (''sees they have fused and everybody else looks in shock'')
:'''Blue Diamond''': Pink, this is completely unacceptable! Unfuse or I'll make you!
:''[Ruby and Sapphire fuse and become Garnet]''
:'''Garnet''': You'll have to go through me!
:'''Pearl''': (''gasp'') And me! (''Runs over to Amethyst and fuses into Opal'')
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah!
:''[two jades quickly fuse as well]''
:'''Lemon Jade''': And me! ''[Opal and Stevonnie look at Garnet, and she shrugs]'' I knew it! I knew I couldn't be the only one!
:''[Yellow Diamond strikes the Jade Fusion, Opal, and Garnet with her lightning powers, causing them all to poof]''
:'''Stevonnie''': Opal! Garnet!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Pink, you've gone too far even for you. ''[picks up Stevonnie and throws them into a dark room]'' Stay in here and think about what you've done!
:'''Stevonnie''': No, wait!
:''[Yellow Diamond closes the door, ends the episode]''

===''Escapism''===
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[singing]'' ♫ I guess I have to face, that in this awful place, I shouldn't show a trace... of doubt. / But pulled against the grain, I feel a little pain, that I would rather do... without. / I'd rather be free-ee-ee, free-ee-ee, free... / I'd rather be free-ee-ee, free-ee-ee, free... / Free-ee-ee, free-ee-ee, free... / from here. ♫

===''Change Your Mind''===
:'''Steven''': ''[wakes up and looks up at the prison tower window]'' Oh, right -- prison.
:''[Blue Diamond enters]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': I cannot believe you! Making a scene like that.
:''' Steven''': We weren't trying to make a scene! We were just... ''[turns to see that Connie is not present]'' dancing?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': I cannot believe you -- making a scene like that!
:'''Steven''': Whoa -- dejá blue.
:'''Connie''': We didn't mean any harm! I asked Steven to dance; he wasn't trying to cause trouble!
:'''Blue Diamond''': What do you know about this, human?
:'''Connie''': ''[chuckles]'' You think I've never been grounded before?
:'''Blue Diamond''': &quot;Grounded?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': This isn't normal. How many times did you lock her in here? How many times did you make her cry?!
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[defensive]'' I didn't, I... and I'm doing it again... aren't I?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What... are you doing?
:'''Steven''': I'm taking back my friends!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[closes her eyes as she looks up from Steven to readdress Blue; annoyed]'' What are you doing, Blue? Take Pink back to the tower.
:'''Blue Diamond''': She prefers to be called &quot;Steven.&quot;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[slams her hand so forcefully against her throne that it cracks, stands up and assumes an angered stance]'' What are you talking about?! You can't keep bending the rules for her, Blue! She has to set an example, and ''we'' have to set an example! If we bend the rules for her, we have to bend them for everyone!
:'''Connie''': Well, maybe you should!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Take them back to the tower, now!
:'''Blue Diamond''': I won't.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Then I'll do it myself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': When we thought Pink was shattered, when she abandoned us, I alone was there for you, and you would use your power against &lt;big&gt;'''ME?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You'd hurt a fellow Diamond?!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Didn't we hurt Pink?! She was suffering in silence for ages -- just like our Gems -- just like me! And I know ''you're'' suffering in silence, too!
:''[Yellow Diamond claps her fist and uses her lightning power on Blue, causing her to begin to destabilize and scream]''
:'''Steven''': Stop! ''[pulls out his shield and chucks it towards Yellow Diamond's hand, disrupting her concentration]'' You don't have to do this!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Yes, I do! This is what White Diamond expects of all of us. From a thin flake of mica to the deepest, hardest stone, we all must make sacrifices for the sake of our perfect empire.
:'''Steven''': Does ''this'' look perfect to you?! My dad says if every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn't have hot dogs.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': And that means... what?
:'''Steven''': It means if you try and make this empire perfect -- if you just wipe away everything you see as flawed -- you lose all the things that make you happy -- like hot dogs.
:'''Blue Diamond''': Or our Pink.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Uhh... ''[falls to the ground on her knees in an uncharacteristic emotional breakdown]'' Stop. Stop it, Blue. Stop using your power on me...!
:'''Blue Diamond''': I'm not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': Hey, White, I know I was in there with you for a second, but I barely got to talk to you at all. There are so many Gems that are hurting right now. Even Blue and Yellow are hurting. You should hear what they have to say. ''[to Blue and Yellow; whispers]'' This is it.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[struggling]'' We... W-we... We need to talk! About us. I've conquered so many worlds for the sake of the empire. I do everything you ask, and I do it all perfectly. But your very high standards put us all under a ''lot'' of pressure. A Gem could crack under so much pressure. We Diamonds may be hard, but we're also brittle.
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[steps forward]'' White, we used to be close. Don't you remember? When Pink would make us laugh -- all those silly things she did for no reason. There was a reason. She wanted us to be happy together. But we weren't, and we're still not. I know my purpose isn't to be happy, but I find it harder and harder to enforce your rules when they make me miserable. When they make us all miserable.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rainbow Quartz 2.0''': Well, what do you know? It's Rainbow 2.0! Now, this is a fine mess we're in. (''gasps'') That won't do. (''blows raspberry'') Rainbow Quartz powers, activate! Ah, yes. Now that's two stones, with one bird.
:''[Steven and new reformed Pearl unfuse]''
:'''Amethyst''': Wow! Nice form, Pearl.
:'''Pearl''': Oh, ''[chuckles]'' thank you. I'm particularly excited about the jacket. Aah! Steven! We fused!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sunstone''': Awwwwwwwwwww yeah! You better step off! Chillax, my dudes. Your rockin' pal Sunstone is holdin' it down.
:'''Pearl''': Wow!
:'''Amethyst''': Holy...
:'''Connie''': All right!
:'''Peridot''': Unbelievable!
:'''Sunstone''': Oh, you better believe it.
:'''Peridot''': Okay!
:'''Connie''': Sunstone, what are we gonna do? White Diamond's never going to listen, and she's never going to let us leave.
:'''Sunstone''': If she won't listen, we'll ''make'' her listen.
:'''Amethyst''': And ''how'' are we gonna do that?
:'''Sunstone''': I know she's in there. We'll bust into her head and change her mind.
:'''Everyone''': Right!
:'''Sunstone''': Let's take that bully down! ''[to the viewers]'' But remember kids: if you ever have to deal with a bully, be sure to tell an adult. ''[yanks Pearl and Amethyst onto their shoulders and sprints towards the giant pink foot of the ship]'' Ally-oop! ''[summons her suction cups]'' Kids, don't try this at home. Ha! Bungacowa!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': We need to be bigger.
:'''Steven''': Then let's fuse. All four of us. It's the only way we're gonna get up to her head.
:'''Amethyst''': I'm in!
:'''Pearl''': I'm in, too.
:'''Garnet''': Then it's decided. It's time to form Obsidian.
:''[Connie, Bismuth, Peridot, and Lapis back away to give some space for Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, and Steven to perform their fusion dance; Obsidian is formed by letting out a big loud cry for battle]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[amazed]'' They're HU-U-U-U-GE!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': You're wrong! I'm not my mom!
:'''White Diamond''': But don't you know things about her that you couldn't possibly know?
:'''Steven''': I-I've just been connecting with her. My powers, they-they help me to connect to others. I'm not her. I'm just feeling her feelings.
:'''White Diamond''': Isn't it obvious? Even though you've embedded yourself in that human child, your light can't help shining through!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connie''': Don't listen to her Steven! She's just trying to mess with you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''White Diamond''': What is this?! Where is Pink?
:'''Pink Steven''': She's gone.
:'''White Diamond''': What did you say? Answer me!
:'''Pink Steven''': ''[shouting]'' She's &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''GO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-NE!!!!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''White Diamond''': Agh! Don't you raise your shield at me! I only want you to be yourself! If you can't do that, I'll do it &lt;big&gt;FOR YOU!!!&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connie''': Steven! ''[rushes to Steven and hugs him]'' Are you back together? Are you you?
:'''Steven''': Yeah. Yeah! I’m me! I’ve always been me.
:'''White Diamond''': ''NO!'' You are Pink Diamond! That is Pink Diamond's gem! You do not look like this! You do not sound like this! You are not half-human! You're just... acting like a child!
:'''Steven''': I ''am'' a child. What's your excuse?
:'''White Diamond''': ''[starts blushing, and notices the Gems under her control doing the same]'' What's happening? What is this? What's wrong with them? They're turning... pink! I don't understand, I'm in control, I-- ''[gasps]'' Something's wrong! With ME! No!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''White Diamond''': What is this? I feel... ridiculous. Yellow, Blue...
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[gasps]'' She's off-color...
:'''White Diamond''': This can't be happening. I can't have a flaw, I'm supposed to be flawless! If I'm not perfect then... who am I? If you're not Pink, then... who are you? Who is ''anyone?''
:'''Steven''': You know, if you just let everyone be whoever they are, maybe you could let yourself be whoever you are too.
:'''White Diamond''': But I'm not supposed to be like this! I'm supposed to know better, I'm supposed to ''be'' better, I'm supposed to make ''everything'' better!
:'''Steven''': You can. But first, you're gonna have to leave your own head.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Padparadscha''': I predict our long journey through space will soon be over.
:'''Lars''': Welcome home, guys.
:'''Rhodonite''': We finally made it! Earth! No more running, no more hiding! No more Diamond Authority! ''[they notice the Diamonds, who have heard everything]'' Well, we're cracked.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sadie''': Lars... Look at you! You're... you're a space pirate!
:'''Lars''': Look at you! You're a rock star!
:'''Sadie''': ''[Laughs] Well... ''[Laughs]''
:''[They both laugh in unison]''
:'''Lars''': I think it suits us!
:'''Sadie''': Yeah. Me, too!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[singing]'' ♫ I don’t need you to respect me, I respect me. / I don’t need you to love me, I love me. / But I want you to know you could know me, / If you change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind, / If you change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind, / If you change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind, / Change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind. ♫

[[Category:Steven Universe seasons]]</text>
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]]
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{{italic title}}
The following is a list of quotes from the fifth season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''.

===''Stuck Together''===
:'''Aquamarine''': Say, Rose, how do I look?
:'''Steven''': Awful, small and mean!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Topaz''': What was I thinking?
:'''Aquamarine''': That's the problem with you fusions. Sooner or later, you will become ''sentimental.'' ''[the ship rumbles, coming to a stop and a notification pops up]'' We're here. Look, just… unfuse, and we'll never speak of this again.

===''The Trial''===
:'''Steven''': ''[speaking to himself]'' I know my mom did something really bad. Whatever Homeworld has in store for me… I'M READY!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prosecuting Zircon''': Defending a rebel? Isn't that… ''treason?'' ''[chuckles]''
:'''Defense Zircon''': I was ''assigned'' to this!
:''[Blue and Yellow Pearl warp in]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': All rise for the luminous Yellow Diamond! ''[poses]''
:'''Blue Pearl''': And the lustrous Blue Diamond. ''[bows]''
:''[Blue and Yellow Diamond warp in behind them, staring down at Steven]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[looking around]'' Where is the accused?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[looks down at Steven]'' Is that Rose Quartz? Look at this ''hideous'' she's taken. Forget the trial, we should shatter just for looking like that.
:'''Blue Diamond''': No. I want to hear her make her case. I want to know what she thinks we're going to do with her. Because  I want to do something ''worse''.
:''[Steven gulps nervously]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[warps in their throne chairs]'' Fine. Let's just get on with it, shall we?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I did it!
:'''Defense Zircon''': Wha… What, what?! Stop!
:'''Blue Diamond''': No! I want to hear what she has to say.
:''[Steven is elevated up to the Diamonds' height]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': State your name for the record, please.
:'''Steven''': I, um… I am Rose Quartz… and I'm guilty.
:'''Defense Zircon''': Wait! No, don't say that!
:'''Steven''': Everything you guys I did, I did. And I did it by myself. I'm sorry. I'll accept any punishment you want to give me. ''[points down to Lars]'' Just let him go! And leave the Earth alone.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Ha! Sounds like a solid confession to me.
:'''Blue Diamond''': How? How did you do it? How did you shatter Pink Diamond?
:'''Steven''': ''[nervously]'' Um, well…I did it on Earth in front of Pink Diamond's palanquin. I was probably like &quot;Stop!&quot; And she was all like, &quot;No!&quot; So we fought -- I think. And she probably did some cool moves. I probably did some cool stuff, too, some jump-kicks and stuff. But I was most likely deeply conflicted about deciding to shatter her. Definitely crying. I probably had to use the Breaking Point to do it.
:'''Blue Diamond''': It was a ''sword!'' ''[covers her eyes, crying and a blue light fills the room, making everyone except Lars tear up]'' You… shattered her… with a sword! ''[starts sobbing]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[walks up and comforts Blue]'' That's quite enough testimony from you! We shall take a short recess.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Defense Zircon''': What are you saying in there?! &quot;Maybe&quot; this, &quot;probably&quot; that! Oh, what do you mean, ''probably''?!
:'''Steven''': Look I just... I don't actually know how it happened, okay?
:'''Defense Zircon''': You don't ''know''?!
:'''Steven''': I...
:'''Defense Zircon''': ''[grabs Steven by the shirt collar and picks him up]'' Don't tumble my rocks! Both our gems are on the line! Did you do this or not?!
:'''Steven''': It was me, alright! ''[Defense Zircon let's go of his shirt and drops him]'' Rose Quartz did it, and I've got her gem, so I'm the one who's got to pay for this.
:'''Defense Zircon''': You don't know how it happened. ''[Steven shakes his head]'' I get it. There's a reason they want you to explain how you did it.
:'''Steven''': Huh?
:'''Defense Zircon''': It's because it doesn't make sense!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You think you can get away, Rose? You stood your ground on that little speck called Earth. But you're on ''our'' world now.

===''Off Colors''===
:'''Padparadscha''': Oh my gosh, something incredible is going to happen to Lars!

===''Lars' Head''===
:'''Steven''': But it doesn't feel right to just leave you here.
:'''Lars''': You said yourself that everyone on this planet is out to get you. You won't be safe until you're back on Earth.
:'''Steven''': But, Lars--
:'''Lars''': Don't argue with me! You're always trying to help me. You brought me back to life. Just let me be somebody who deserved it.

===''Dewey Wins''===

===''Gemcation''===

===''Raising the Barn''===

===''Back to the Kindergarten''===
:'''Peridot''': This used to make sense to me. I thought life was generated in a kindergarten. Formless, aimless energy channeled into new, useful gems. But life doesn't start in a kindergarten. It ends here. I've gotten used to plants everywhere. Bugs and breeze and sunshine...all of that has been sucked out of this place. 

===''Sadie Killer''===

===''Kevin Party''===

===''Lars of the Stars''===
:'''Emerald''': ''[on screen]'' It's over! I've got you now you miserable off-colors!
:'''Lars''': You'll ''never'' take us alive, Emerald!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lars''': You don't get it, do you, Steven? ''[starts tearing up and sniffles]'' It should be me. ''[starts crying]'' ''I'm'' the one that should be hanging out with the Cool Kids! She's getting back at me for everything I've done!
:'''Connie''': Do you really think Sadie is living her life ''just'' to get back at you?
:'''Lars''': Why else would she be having so much fun without me?!
:'''Steven''': Because life goes on, no matter what happens. She was so upset when she found out you'd be stuck in space, Lars. She really misses you, but, she can't stay sad forever. She started hanging out with the Cool Kids. She quit the Big Donut, all because she needed to do ''something'' to feel better.
:'''Connie''': And look at you! Steven said you'd be hiding in some cave on Homeworld, but you're not! You're out here fighting for freedom with all your new friends in tow! Are ''you'' doing any of this to hurt Sadie?
:'''Lars''': No! I'm doing this because I have to. ''[tears up]'' I'd never do this to hurt Sadie because-
:'''Steven''': Because!
:'''Connie''': Because!
:'''Both''': Because you're best friends!
:''[Lars watches them fuse into Stevonnie]''
:'''Stevonnie''': And best friends wouldn't do anything to hurt each other!

===''Jungle Moon''===
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[squealing in excitement]'' Whoa, cool! Yellow! ''[jumps up to her chair]'' Hey, Yellow.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Oh, you're still here.
:'''Stevonnie''': What are you doing?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm commanding the dropships to colonize this planet.
:'''Stevonnie''': I wanna command a dropship!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Well, when you have your ''own'' colony, you can command whatever you want.
:'''Stevonnie''': I want a colony! ''[Yellow Diamond presses buttons on the panel with four diamonds]'' I want one now! ''[screen unlocks revealing a dropship on the panel]'' What's this?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm contacting the leader of the fleet.
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[amazed]'' Let me do it! ''[starts pressing buttons on the screen but Yellow Diamond grabs her arm]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[angrily]'' DON'T TOUCH THAT!
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[irritated]'' Why ''not''? You have so many worlds and I don't even have ''one''! It's not fair! I want ONE! I want my own ''army''! I want my own ''planet''! I deserve it! I'm just as important as ''YOU''!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[angrily]'' Then why don't you act like it, Pink?!
:''[Stevonnie walks away, holding their arm, angry; approach a window and their fist clenches; Pink Diamond is seen through their reflection and the hand punches the glass smashing it; She suddenly wakes up from the dream, falling out of the hammock on the ground]''
:'''Stevonnie''': (''talking through Connie'') Whoa! ''[breathing hard]'' Steven, what was that? (''talking through Steven'') Diamonds. I'm having Diamond dreams again. But, why now? Why ''here''? ''[looks up and see a mural of Yellow Diamond]'' No way.

===''Your Mother and Mine''===
:'''Garnet''': Come on, everyone. Let me tell you the story of the ''real'' Rose Quartz. ''[Flashback story begins; narrating]'' It was Era 1. The Diamonds, unique in their flawlessness, sought to expand their perfection across the galaxy. And it was for this purpose that Pink Diamond chose her first colony-- the planet Earth. On Earth, every Gem was made to serve Pink Diamond, each with a role to play in her world's perfect empire. In comparison to their creator, their existence was ordinary. They were life-forms only meant to fit their mold, and no one had ever dared to think otherwise. Until, there was Rose Quartz. In stature, she was no different than any other Quartz. And for a time, she did her best to carry out her Diamond's bidding. However, she began to take notice of her strange colony and the life that existed there. Curiosity turned to appreciation. Appreciation turned to fondness. And fondness… turned to love. Soon she was unable to keep her findings secret, and she began asking her fellow Gems if they knew of the life on Earth and what they made of it. She continued to pry her fellow Kindergartners with questions ''so'' odd, that word of her eventually made its way to Pink Diamond. Rose Quartz was summoned at once.
:'''Pink Diamond''': Quartz, what have you been saying down there?
:'''Rose''': My Diamond, it has come to my attention that your colony, Earth, bears life. While I know these organic life-forms serve no purpose, I ask that we leave this planet and spare their lives.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Pink Diamond thought for a moment, and then laughed, a wicked, empty sound.
:'''Pink Diamond''': ''[laughing]'' You wish to save these life-forms at the expense of our own? Ha! Don't be absurd. Return to your post, and I will forget your insolence.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' And with that, Rose Quartz was dragged back to her kindergarten for duty. ''[A gem drags Rose away and she continues working]'' Only Rose could no longer stand to continue aiding in the destruction of Earth. She had no choice. She had to fight.
:'''Rose''': ''[stops working and jumps into the air, changing her uniform into a dress before destroying an injector, stands on the broken injector and speaks to the other Quartzes]'' Is this what you want -- to inject, to build?! I've seen the life that exists for itself, and it lives here! Will you destroy it, or will you join it?
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Rose's message began to resonate to Pink Diamond's dismay. Her colony was falling apart. So, like a coward, she called for her Diamond allies, Yellow and Blue, to help. But Rose also found herself with allies, other Gems that were cast out for being wrong-- a Pearl who belonged to no one… a Bismuth who built weapons for rebels instead of towers for tyrants… An entirely new fusion, for not power, but for love… And countless others, all inspired by Rose to live for ourselves on Earth. She was our leader. And Earth was our precious home. And those who fought to save it became known as…the Crystal Gems!
:'''Rhodonite''': Unbelievable!
:'''Rutile Twins''': There were Gems like us?
:'''Padparadscha''': Fighting.
:'''Fluorite''': For… their… freedom?
:'''Garnet''': Yes, and we were fearless! ''[Flashback resumes; narrating]'' It was an impossible fight, but we fought anyway. And the more Gems who saw us, the more who joined. But Pink Diamond's forces proved too strong. Rose feared that soon she would have nothing left to protect. Rose Quartz drew her rebel blade… and shattered Pink Diamond, saving the Earth for all time from her reign of terror.
:'''Rutile Twins''': Wow! That's incredible! I don't believe it!
:'''Lars''': ''[to Steven]'' Your mom did all that? That's awesome!
:'''Rhodonite''': Wait. What about the rest? What happened after that?
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The other Diamonds were furious. In a last-ditch attempt to wipe out the Rebellion, the Diamonds launched a direct attack against Earth. And in their fury, they used their powers to end the fighting once and for all.
:'''Padparadscha''': I predict this story won't have a happy ending.
:'''Rutile Twins''': We were all told different stories. But they all ended the same way.
:'''Fluorite''': With Rose Quartz… being… defeated.
:'''Rhodonite''': This new version of the story is even worse! So, she was great, and they beat her? What are we supposed to get out of this -- that we can never win?!
:'''Garnet''': We haven't yet, but we can, and we will. They said they annihilated Rose's rebellion, but here ''we'' are. They said they annihilated all of you on Homeworld, but here ''you'' are! They think they have us on the run, but they're the ones that are running from the truth. And the truth is we... are... everywhere!
:'''Rhodonite''': But how many more of us can there be?
:'''Steven''': Way more than you think! I was only on Homeworld for, like, an hour before I ran in to you guys. There must be Off Colors all over the place.
:'''Garnet''': Rose used to say there was something about Earth -- something that set Gems free. But it's not just Earth. Look at you. Love, freedom -- it's universal. You all prove it every moment you live as yourselves. You can show everyone.
:'''Fluorite''': We… can do that?
:'''Lars''': Not while we're floating out here like sitting ducks.

===''The Big Show''===

===''Pool Hopping''===
:'''Garnet''': I think I get it.
:'''Steven''': Hm?
:'''Garnet''': Why my future vision has been so off. I have to change the way I think about you. 
:'''Steven''': What?
:'''Garnet''': I've been looking into probable futures where you act like a child. I keep expecting you to run from responsibility and to turn to me for help, but you don't do that anymore. Those futures aren't probable at all. There's nothing wrong with this timeline or my future vision. I just need to factor in that you've grown up.

===''Letters to Lars''===

===''Can't Go Back''===
:'''Blue Diamond''': But this is what you wanted.
:'''Steven''': ''[wakes up and gasps; turns to see Lapis is nowhere to be seen]'' Lapis? ''[turns forward to the silhouettes of Blue, Yellow, and Pink Diamond]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': You begged us for a colony of your own, and now all you want to do is be rid of it. First there were too many organics. Then their cities were too difficult to dismantle, and -- and now these Crystal Gems. We're tired of your excuses, Pink. We're tired of your excuses, Pink.
:'''Steven''': The Diamonds.
:'''Blue Diamonds''': This Rose Quartz can't hurt you. You can't be swayed by a few unruly Gems. ''[Holds her hand up as Pink Diamond is about to say something]'' Enough! You must understand, you are a Diamond. Everyone on this planet is looking to you. You don't even have to do anything. Just smile and wave. Show everyone you're unfazed by this little uprising. Your Gems will fall into line, and these Crystal Gems will be no more. As long as you are there to rule, this colony will be completed.

===''A Single Pale Rose''===
:'''Steven''': It better not turn out that her phone was in her pocket...or she left it on the dresser or dropped it in the toilet. Seems about as likely as putting it away in your repressed war memories.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Steven returns from Pearl's gem after learning the truth about how Rose Quartz &quot;shattered&quot; Pink Diamond]''
:'''Steven''': I know.  
:'''Pearl''': ''[tearing up]'' I wanted to tell you for ''so'' long.
:'''Steven''': Mom was Pink Diamond.
:''[Garnet and Amethyst stand in shock behind Steven]''
:'''Amethyst''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAAAAAAAAAT?!?'''&lt;/big&gt;

===''Now We're Only Falling Apart''===
:'''Amethyst''': Let me get this straight. Rose Quartz, leader of the Crystal Gems, Steven's mom, was actually Pink Diamond?!
:'''Steven''': She faked her own shattering, and reformed to be Rose all the time.
:'''Pearl''': Pink Diamond's final command to me was that no one could know, but now that Steven does, I can finally tell you all everything!
:'''Amethyst''': Phew! I mean, a pink lion, a pink sword, and now Pink Diamond?! Huh, if you told me Rose invented cotton candy, I'd believe it. Right, Garnet? Uh, Garnet?
:'''Garnet''': ''[shaking and gets up]'' Rose. She... she... ''[struggles to stay stable and defuses into Ruby and Sapphire]''
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire...
:'''Sapphire''': ''[betrayed and heartbroken with fury]'' '''SHE LIED TO US!''' She lied about EVERYTHING! ''[freezes up the floor]'' She held our hands, looked us right in the eyes, and told us to never question who we are as Garnet. We never questioned ourselves, or her!
:'''Ruby''': We couldn't have known!
:'''Sapphire''': No, you couldn't have known. You never know what's going on. That's what I'm for!
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire...
:'''Sapphire''': But I never looked into her, I trusted her... I let her make fools of us all!
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire, wait!
:'''Steven''': Guys! ''[slips on the ice]''
:'''Ruby''': Please...We can just stay calm and talk about this, right? Let's just, talk.
:'''Sapphire''': Talk about what? How our relationship is based on a lie? What else is there to say? ''[warps to Rose's Fountain]''
:'''Pearl''': Ruby, I am so sorry...
:'''Steven''': Come on, Pearl. Help me explain everything to Sapphire.
:'''Pearl''': Right.
:'''Steven''': Sit tight, Ruby. We'll go and get Sapphire.
:'''Ruby''': Okay. ''[starts crying]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sapphire''': ''[grieving]'' Everything we were running from, she was right there all along…using us for her little war…smiling at us with those knowing eyes… Making me believe in a better future that I couldn't see, because it wasn't real. And now here we are, our friends, shattered, and corrupted…of course she was a Diamond. What a long road she took to torture us all like this.
:'''Steven''': It wasn't like that. You know she didn't want anyone to get hurt.
:'''Sapphire''': I don't know that! I clearly don't know anything.
:'''Pearl''': You deserve to know everything. I was given to Pink Diamond a few thousand years before she was given the Earth. I was supposed to make her happy, I just never could.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': Is everything alright, my Diamond? You seem troubled.
:'''Rose''': All this life that's been growing wild here on Earth…none of it will survive my invasion. We're not creating life from nothing. We're ''taking'' life, and leaving nothing behind.
:'''Pearl''': Forgive me, my Diamond. I shouldn't have brought you to such a place.
:'''Rose''': No. I needed to see this.
:''[scene shifts back to the fountain]''
:'''Steven''': So she ''did'' want to protect Earth. She didn't realize what the colony was doing to the planet.
:'''Sapphire''': So what?! She suddenly started to care about Earth? Why did she have to rope us into all this? Why couldn't she just stop the colonization herself?
:'''Pearl''': She ''tried''. When she told the other Diamonds she didn't want to go through with the colony, they told her to finish what she started. When she told the other Diamonds she wanted to preserve life on Earth, they created the zoo and threw a handful of humans in. She did everything she could as Pink Diamond. But her status meant nothing to Blue and Yellow. So she decided to make a stand, as someone they couldn't ignore. She was going to scare every Gem off the planet. But everything changed when she saw…your fusion.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': Before Garnet, Rose was only fighting for Earth. But Garnet changed everything. Rose wanted to fight for her, she wanted to fight for Gems! And maybe she was foolish, and maybe even...selfish, but she was-
:'''Sapphire''': Following us.
:'''Pearl''': What?
:'''Sapphire''': This whole time, we thought we were following her, but she was following ''us''. How could she not after you swept her off her feet?

===''What's your Problem''===

===''The Question''===

===''Made of Honor''===
:'''Steven''': So, my Dad will finish playing the music, and then next you'll do the &quot;I do&quot;s. And then I'll say… &quot;I now pronounce you Garnet.&quot; And then you fuse! Everyone will cheer!
:'''Sapphire''': Everyone… who survived.
:'''Ruby''': Huh?
:'''Sapphire''': Oh, it's just… There's so many old friends who won't be able to come. All the Crystal Gems who were corrupted and bubbled in the basement.
:'''Ruby''': Maybe we could bring the bubbles up here?
:'''Sapphire''': No, no. It's not safe. We can't risk them getting out.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bismuth''': Hey everyone. Did you guys &quot;Bismi-th&quot; me?
:''[Pearl, Sapphire, Ruby and Amethyst drop their sodas simultaneously]''
:'''Peridot''': Ha! I win! Also, less importantly, who are you?
:'''Steven''': I… invited Bismuth! I hope that's cool.
:'''Sapphire''': ''[slowly walks up to her]'' Bismuth. ''[hugs her]''
:'''Bismuth''': Whoa, Sapphire!
:'''Pearl and Ruby''': Bismuth! ''[tackle her to the floor, and begin nuzzling her]''
:'''Sapphire''': You wouldn't believe what we've all been through. I'm so sorry! We should've-
:'''Bismuth''': Look, I'm right there with you, Steven filled me in.
:'''Peridot''': So, is anyone going to introduce me?
:'''Amethyst''': Let's give 'em some space.

===''Reunited''===
:'''Steven''': Dearly beloved Gems, humans, lions big and small, living gourds, Onion, we are gathered here today to celebrate Ruby and Sapphire, two of my favorite people, who combine into one of my other favorite people! You all probably know her as Garnet. She's their love, given form. Now it's your turn to talk about that.
:'''Ruby''': I know this is all kind of silly, I mean, we've been together for 5,750 years.
:'''Sapphire''': And 8 months.
:'''Ruby''': I used to feel like I wasn't much good, just one of me on my own. But when we're together, it feels like it's okay to just be me. So I wanna be me, with you, an-and, not even the Diamonds will come between us. And if they try, we'll beat em up!
:'''Sapphire''': Ruby, my future used to look like one single, obvious stream, unbending 'til the end of time. In an instant, you pulled me from that destiny and opened my eye to an explosion of infinite possible futures, streaking across space and time, altered and obliterated by the smallest force of will. ''[beat]'' What I mean is, you changed my life. And then, I changed your life. And now, we changed our lives.
:'''Steven''': Bismuth, the rings.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[gently bumps Bismuth]'' Hey Bismuth, that's your cue.
:''[Bismuth, touched and crying by the vows, approaches them with the rings]''
:'''Steven''': Ruby, do you take this Gem to have and to hold, on this and every other planet in the universe!?
:'''Ruby''': I DO!
:'''Steven''': And Sapphire, do you-
:'''Sapphire''': Yes.
:'''Steven''': ''[whispering]'' You didn't let me finish.
:'''Sapphire''': I'm just very excited.
:'''Steven''': Then by the power vested in me by the state of Delmarva, I now pronounce you… Garnet!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': What a wonderful idea. Humans found a way to make a moment's decision last forever. I won't need future vision to know I'll always remember this.
:'''Steven''': I'm so glad. ''[starts tearing up]''
:'''Garnet''': Oh no. I'm sorry. Don't cry.
:'''Steven''': ''[wipes off the tears]'' I guess seeing everyone together got me really choked up. ''[bigger tears begin flowing out of his eyes]'' Wait a second. You don't think…?
:'''Garnet''': ''[takes off her visor, opening her third eye]'' Blue Diamond!
:'''Steven''': She's here?!
:'''Garnet''': And she's not alone.
:''[The sky darkens quickly and everyone looks up to the sky, seeing Blue and Yellow Diamond's ships approaching]''
:'''Steven''': Oh, no. It's the Diamonds! ''[runs up to Nanefua]'' Nanefua, get on your Nane-phone! We've got a code blue ''and'' a code yellow!
:'''Garnet''': This is it.
:''[As the Diamond ships approach the beach, they fly overhead them]''
:'''Peridot''': WE'RE OVER HERE, YOU CLODS!
:'''Pearl''': Wha- where are they going?!
:'''Steven''': If they're not here for us, they must be here for the Cluster!
:'''Bismuth''': What's the Cluster?
:'''Steven''': It's a huge earth-destroying geo-weapon that the Diamonds made out of a bajillion gem shards!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': You cannot fathom how much I've mourned, what thousands of years of grief has done to me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': I know this sword. This is the sword that '''SHATTERED HER!''' ''[shatters the sword as Steven gasps, which made Connie fall down only to be caught by Lion]'' You deserve this-- ''all'' of you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Blue Diamond!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Who are you supposed to be?
:'''Garnet''': I am the will of two Gems to care for each other, to protect each other from any threat, no matter how vast or how cruel. You couldn't stop me 5,750 years ago, and you can't stop me now!
:'''Blue Diamond''': It's you, that Ruby and Sapphire that disrupted my court.
:'''Garnet''': This is supposed to be MY day!
:'''Blue Diamond''': You hope to defeat me by clinging to my feet?
:'''Garnet''': I just needed to keep you from taking three steps to the right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': Lapis Lazuli? Does every Gem that comes in contact with this planet turn traitor?!
:'''Lapis''': I've felt ''worse.''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': With all our strength together, we can take her down!
:'''Steven''': That's right! This is our home, our planet, our friends and family! We are the Crystal Gems!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Pathetic! You are &lt;big&gt;'''NOTHING!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Ha! I told her off, once. I can do it again. ''[jumps off Bismuth's hands and runs up to Yellow Diamond]'' Hey! Yellow Clod! '''''REMEMBER ME?!'''''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': No. ''[zaps and poofs Peridot to her gemstone]''
:'''Steven''': Stop! ''[jumps off Garnet's hands and runs up to the Diamonds]'' Don't do this! Listen to me, ''I'm'' the one you're missing! I'm Pink Diamond!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[shocked and angry]'' You! ''[charges towards Steven as he summons his shield]''
:'''Garnet''': Steven!
:''[Yellow Diamond stomps her foot on Steven in fury, knocking him out unconsciously]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lapis Lazuli''': What else have you got?! I've only just begun to fight! ''[gets zapped and poofed to her gemstone by Yellow Diamond]''
:'''Steven''': ''[shocked gasp]'' Lapis!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''How miserable. I knew Pink couldn't handle her own colony. But, I gave in. And now, I'm to blame for her fate.''
:'''Steven''': Ah, her thoughts are too strong!
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''What good will any of this do? The more I make these Gems suffer, the more I long to see you again, Pink.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': This feeling, I know it!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': It must be a trick! Show yourself, foe!
:'''Steven''': I'm not your foe. Please, just listen to me!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': There!
:'''Steven''': ''Please, the fighting has to stop. We aren't enemies. We're family. Please listen to me. I need you to know who I am!!!''
:'''Blue Diamond''': Impossible.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': This aura...
:'''Blue Diamond''': It's you! Pink!

===''Legs From Here to Homeworld''===
:'''Garnet''': We can't just hand Steven over to Blue Diamond, she's a shatterer!
:'''Bismuth''': She's not gonna hurt him, look at her. She really thinks he's one of them.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[sobbing loudly]'' Somebody make Blue Diamond stop!
:'''Connie''': Are you guys okay?
:'''Pearl''': It's just… ''[sniffles]'' Blue Diamond's power. She's obviously relieved that Pink Diamond wasn't shattered after all.
:''[Yellow Diamond tries to reactive her ship and Blue Diamond's, but are too damaged]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmm. How could you do this to us, Pink? Why did you let us think you were shattered? Why the strange disguise? Why are you doing a voice? Why didn't you say something at the trial?! And Blue, could you please stop crying? I can't see. ''[wipes her tears, splashing the Gems]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': Sorry. ''[sets Steven down]''
:'''Steven''': My mom kept it secret from everyone.
:'''Pearl''': Ahem.
:'''Steven''': Almost everyone.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What are you talking about?
:'''Steven''': Well, apparently, Mom… Oh, geez. You don't know what a mom is. Okay, Pink Diamond took the form of Rose Quartz permanently after faking her shattering. Then, Rose Quartz gave up ''that'' form to create a new life with my dad-- me. Rose passed her gemstone and some of her powers onto me, but that's all. I-I don't have any of Pink ''or'' Rose's memories. I'm sorry.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmm. I'm sure your memories are in there somewhere, Pink.
:'''Steven''': Actually, I go by &quot;Steven.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': We can only do so much, if it was the ''four'' of us.
:'''Blue Diamond''': Oh, no. We can't let ''her'' see this!
:'''Steven''': Who? Who do we need?!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What do you mean, &quot;who?&quot; White.
:'''Pearl''': ''[shocked]'' White Diamond?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While traveling to Homeworld]''
:'''Steven''': Should I have brought a gift for White Diamond? We ''are'' dropping in unexpectedly, and… I want to make a good first impression. Her help will mean everything for the Corrupted Gems.
:'''Pearl''': Steven...
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmph. &quot;Good impression&quot;? We'll be lucky if she ever ''speaks'' to us again after this.
:'''Steven''': But...
:'''Blue Diamond''': The thing is, White... can be... ''difficult''.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': When we show up in this ship, it will be irrefutable that the last 6,000 years are now the biggest galactic embarrassment that's ever happened. And ''we're'' the ones to blame. (''to Steven'') If you don't want to be in a bubble for the next few millennia, I suggest you let ''me'' do the talking.

===''Familiar''===
:'''Steven''': Pearl!
:'''Pearl''': Steven! ''[runs over to Steven and hugs him]'' Oh, thank the stars! You're okay! What did White Diamond do? Did she hurt you?
:'''Steven''': No, she was like, &quot;Welcome home.&quot; I don't think she understands that I'm not Pink Diamond. Where's Connie? And Garnet and Amethyst?
:'''Pearl''': They're still on the ship. ''[summons a hot dog bag]'' I'm only here because I'm bringing your things. And they consider me one of your things.
:'''Steven''': Yeesh.
:''[Diamond chime plays]''
:'''Pearl''': The Diamond chime -- it's Yellow.
:''[The door opens, revealing Yellow Pearl standing right there]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Diamond, my Diamond has requested your presence in the extraction chamber.
:'''Pearl''': Let's get you into a suit. ''[opens the bag]''
:''[Steven, wearing his yellow swimsuit, Pearl, and Yellow Pearl walk through a yellow hallway]''
:'''Steven''': Swim trunks don't seem very formal.
:'''Pearl''': Trust me, this will be more comfortable than jeans.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Diamond.
:'''Steven''': Please, call me Steven.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Steven.
:'''Steven''': No, just Steven.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Just Steven.
:'''Steven''': Call me... Lasagna.
:'''Pearl''': Steven, stop. You're going to break her. ''[opens the extraction chamber door]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Have a nice extraction, Pink Lasagna.
:''[Steven walks into the extraction chamber sauna]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Pink.
:'''Steven''': Hi, Yellow. Cool sauna.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': It's new. Have a seat. ''[Steven uses his floating powers to jump up and takes a seat]'' So, you met with White. How was it?
:'''Steven''': All I got to say was, &quot;Hi,&quot; and, &quot;um,&quot; and, &quot;I.&quot;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Two and a half words -- that's a record.
:'''Steven''': Two and a half words isn't enough. I still need to talk to White about healing all the corrupted Gems!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmm. Good luck. White never leaves her own head these days, and she never lets anyone in -- except you, I guess. It's so unfair. I have hundreds of successful crystal system colonies, but you get to see her because your one colony is a failure!
:'''Steven''': Maybe you should just… ''fail?''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[looks momentarily shocked, then starts laughing]'' Oh, Pink, you always did have quite a knack for making me laugh. You're almost worth the trouble.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Pearl''': ''[showing up]'' Pink Diamond, my Diamond was requested your presence.
:''[Steven, Pearl, and Blue Pearl walk down a blue hallway]''
:'''Steven''': We barely talked about White at all. She had to rush to do a report, and I couldn't go with her. I get they're, like, busy, 'cause they're dictators and everything, but I need more time! ''[gasps and face-palms]'' I should have asked her what she was doing after the Citron thing!
:'''Pearl''': She'll be at that for a while. Yellow Diamond oversees all aspects of Gem production on every single one of her colonies. And when she's not doing that, she's off with her army, conquering the next one.
:'''Steven''': What about their days off, weekends?
:'''Blue Pearl''': My Diamond is awaiting our arrival.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Pearl''': ''[turns to Pearl]'' Welcome back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': You're here! Come in.
:'''Steven''': Okay! ''[runs and jumps into the pool, laughing]'' Whoo-hoo! (''laughing'') It's funny! I -- I live right next to the ocean, but I end up going to space to swim.
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[laughs, causing the pool to shake a bit]'' You haven't changed. So silly. So small.
:'''Steven''': I'm not done growing. I'm not sure I can catch up to you and Yellow, though.
:'''Blue Diamond''': I'm so glad you're back... Steven.
:'''Steven''': Y-You actually said my name!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Steven. Steee-von? (''chuckles'') It's such a funny sounding name. You're so creative, Pink.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': (''sighs'') This is so weird. Was this some sort of spa day or something? And what about Pink? Did she have a job here, or did she just sit in a room while they were off doing whatever?
:'''Pearl''': Before her colony, Pink used to throw massive balls.
:'''Steven''': ''[surprised]'' She was a juggler?!
:'''Pearl''': No -- Well, yes. But she would also throw parties for the other Diamonds to mark their many accomplishments. Every member of every court would show up to bask in the presence of all four Diamonds.
:'''Steven''': Even White would come?
:'''Pearl''': Oh, yes! Huh. I wonder what's even become of Pink's court.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ♫ Oh, I'll get them all together in one place / And once we're all together face-to-face / I'll show them all the error of their ways / And stop their spread of terror across space! ♫

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I figured it out! Remember back when I was little and maybe kind of annoying, and I couldn't come along on adventures? You guys would still drop everything to hang out with me! That's Pink Diamond! I know I can do this! Just watch -- I'm gonna throw a huge ball, and I'm gonna invite everyone!

===''Together Alone''===
:'''Pearl''': The Pebbles have been working all night. What do you think?
:'''Steven''': It almost feels like home.
:'''Garnet''': Almost.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': A ball? We haven't had a ball in 6,000 years.
:'''Blue Diamond''': We haven't had Pink in 6,000 years!
:'''Steven''': Yeah! When White Diamond shows up we can tell her why we need her help on Earth!
:'''Blue Diamond''': And, this can also mark the beginning of Era 3.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You're right, it's brilliant.
:'''Steven''': Thank you, Yellow! Thank you, Blue!
:'''Blue Diamond''': If White is going to be there everything has to be perfect! Pink, can you manage this on your own? Our Pearls can help you get started.
:'''Blue Pearl''': At your service, Pink Diamond.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Make sure you go through all of our customs with Pink, since she has so much trouble recalling her past here on Homeworld.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Yes, My Diamond.
:'''Pearl''': Era 3! Steven, you're already changing the world!
:'''Steven''': Yeah! Come on, party Pearls!
:'''Yellow and Blue Pearl''': We are at your command, Pink Diamond.
:'''Steven''': Just call me Steven.
:'''Yellow and Blue Pearl''': Whatever you command, Pink Diamond.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': Balloons everywhere! Confetti cannons too!
:'''Amethyst''': Dibs on being the confetti cannon!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Cannons are ''forbidden'' inside palace walls. These &quot;balloons&quot; you're referring to, are unprecedented and therefore out of the question.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Diamond! Your subjects will do the dancing for you! Why would a Diamond want to dance?
:'''Steven''': Because dancing's fun!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': What is &quot;fun&quot;?
:'''Connie''': You know, it's when you do something you wanna do, just because it feels good.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': I don't think we do that here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': The Sapphire will need to enter with the other Sapphires of course, and the Ruby will need to enter with the guard.
:'''Steven''': Woah, woah, woah. Are you talking about Garnet?
:'''Blue Diamond''': Garnet? Does &quot;that&quot; call herself a Garnet? What would you have her do? Enter with the Demantoids, the Hessonites, the Pyropes? Pink, I'm being very generous, but you can't expect me to-
:'''Garnet''': I won't go.
:'''Steven''': Garnet?
:'''Blue Diamond''': At least the Sapphire in there has some sense.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Everyone, behold! The daunting, beauty and elegance that is, Yellow Diamond!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Not a bad turnout, Pink.
:'''Steven''': I appreciate your attendance, Yellow.
:'''Blue Pearl''': Ahem, everyone prepare yourselves emotionally for the overpowering elegance that is, Blue Diamond.
:'''Blue Diamond''': You're doing great.
:'''Steven''': Thank you, Blue.
:'''White Pearl''': To those in attendance of the Era 3 ball, White Diamond... has more important things to attend to.
:'''Steven''': WHAT?!
:'''White Pearl''': Therefore, I will be here to observe in her place. Welcome to Era 3.
:'''Steven''': Gra!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': (''through gritted teeth'') Pink, what are you doing?!
:'''Stevonnie''': I was just dancing! (''sees they have fused and everybody else looks in shock'')
:'''Blue Diamond''': Pink, this is completely unacceptable! Unfuse or I'll make you!
:''[Ruby and Sapphire fuse and become Garnet]''
:'''Garnet''': You'll have to go through me!
:'''Pearl''': (''gasp'') And me! (''Runs over to Amethyst and fuses into Opal'')
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah!
:''[two jades quickly fuse as well]''
:'''Lemon Jade''': And me! ''[Opal and Stevonnie look at Garnet, and she shrugs]'' I knew it! I knew I couldn't be the only one!
:''[Yellow Diamond strikes the Jade Fusion, Opal, and Garnet with her lightning powers, causing them all to poof]''
:'''Stevonnie''': Opal! Garnet!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Pink, you've gone too far even for you. ''[picks up Stevonnie and throws them into a dark room]'' Stay in here and think about what you've done!
:'''Stevonnie''': No, wait!
:''[Yellow Diamond closes the door, ends the episode]''

===''Escapism''===
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[singing]'' ♫ I guess I have to face, that in this awful place, I shouldn't show a trace... of doubt. / But pulled against the grain, I feel a little pain, that I would rather do... without. / I'd rather be free-ee-ee, free-ee-ee, free... / I'd rather be free-ee-ee, free-ee-ee, free... / Free-ee-ee, free-ee-ee, free... / from here. ♫

===''Change Your Mind''===
:'''Steven''': ''[wakes up and looks up at the prison tower window]'' Oh, right -- prison.
:''[Blue Diamond enters]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': I cannot believe you! Making a scene like that.
:''' Steven''': We weren't trying to make a scene! We were just... ''[turns to see that Connie is not present]'' dancing?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': I cannot believe you -- making a scene like that!
:'''Steven''': Whoa -- dejá blue.
:'''Connie''': We didn't mean any harm! I asked Steven to dance; he wasn't trying to cause trouble!
:'''Blue Diamond''': What do you know about this, human?
:'''Connie''': ''[chuckles]'' You think I've never been grounded before?
:'''Blue Diamond''': &quot;Grounded?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': This isn't normal. How many times did you lock her in here? How many times did you make her cry?!
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[defensive]'' I didn't, I... and I'm doing it again... aren't I?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What... are you doing?
:'''Steven''': I'm taking back my friends!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[closes her eyes as she looks up from Steven to readdress Blue; annoyed]'' What are you doing, Blue? Take Pink back to the tower.
:'''Blue Diamond''': She prefers to be called &quot;Steven.&quot;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[slams her hand so forcefully against her throne that it cracks, stands up and assumes an angered stance]'' What are you talking about?! You can't keep bending the rules for her, Blue! She has to set an example, and ''we'' have to set an example! If we bend the rules for her, we have to bend them for everyone!
:'''Connie''': Well, maybe you should!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Take them back to the tower, now!
:'''Blue Diamond''': I won't.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Then I'll do it myself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': When we thought Pink was shattered, when she abandoned us, I alone was there for you, and you would use your power against &lt;big&gt;'''ME?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You'd hurt a fellow Diamond?!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Didn't we hurt Pink?! She was suffering in silence for ages -- just like our Gems -- just like me! And I know ''you're'' suffering in silence, too!
:''[Yellow Diamond claps her fist and uses her lightning power on Blue, causing her to begin to destabilize and scream]''
:'''Steven''': Stop! ''[pulls out his shield and chucks it towards Yellow Diamond's hand, disrupting her concentration]'' You don't have to do this!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Yes, I do! This is what White Diamond expects of all of us. From a thin flake of mica to the deepest, hardest stone, we all must make sacrifices for the sake of our perfect empire.
:'''Steven''': Does ''this'' look perfect to you?! My dad says if every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn't have hot dogs.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': And that means... what?
:'''Steven''': It means if you try and make this empire perfect -- if you just wipe away everything you see as flawed -- you lose all the things that make you happy -- like hot dogs.
:'''Blue Diamond''': Or our Pink.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Uhh... ''[falls to the ground on her knees in an uncharacteristic emotional breakdown]'' Stop. Stop it, Blue. Stop using your power on me...!
:'''Blue Diamond''': I'm not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': Hey, White, I know I was in there with you for a second, but I barely got to talk to you at all. There are so many Gems that are hurting right now. Even Blue and Yellow are hurting. You should hear what they have to say. ''[to Blue and Yellow; whispers]'' This is it.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[struggling]'' We... W-we... We need to talk! About us. I've conquered so many worlds for the sake of the empire. I do everything you ask, and I do it all perfectly. But your very high standards put us all under a ''lot'' of pressure. A Gem could crack under so much pressure. We Diamonds may be hard, but we're also brittle.
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[steps forward]'' White, we used to be close. Don't you remember? When Pink would make us laugh -- all those silly things she did for no reason. There was a reason. She wanted us to be happy together. But we weren't, and we're still not. I know my purpose isn't to be happy, but I find it harder and harder to enforce your rules when they make me miserable. When they make us all miserable.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rainbow Quartz 2.0''': Well, what do you know? It's Rainbow 2.0! Now, this is a fine mess we're in. (''gasps'') That won't do. (''blows raspberry'') Rainbow Quartz powers, activate! Ah, yes. Now that's two stones, with one bird.
:''[Steven and new reformed Pearl unfuse]''
:'''Amethyst''': Wow! Nice form, Pearl.
:'''Pearl''': Oh, ''[chuckles]'' thank you. I'm particularly excited about the jacket. Aah! Steven! We fused!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sunstone''': Awwwwwwwwwww yeah! You better step off! Chillax, my dudes. Your rockin' pal Sunstone is holdin' it down.
:'''Pearl''': Wow!
:'''Amethyst''': Holy...
:'''Connie''': All right!
:'''Peridot''': Unbelievable!
:'''Sunstone''': Oh, you better believe it.
:'''Peridot''': Okay!
:'''Connie''': Sunstone, what are we gonna do? White Diamond's never going to listen, and she's never going to let us leave.
:'''Sunstone''': If she won't listen, we'll ''make'' her listen.
:'''Amethyst''': And ''how'' are we gonna do that?
:'''Sunstone''': I know she's in there. We'll bust into her head and change her mind.
:'''Everyone''': Right!
:'''Sunstone''': Let's take that bully down! ''[to the viewers]'' But remember kids: if you ever have to deal with a bully, be sure to tell an adult. ''[yanks Pearl and Amethyst onto their shoulders and sprints towards the giant pink foot of the ship]'' Ally-oop! ''[summons her suction cups]'' Kids, don't try this at home. Ha! Bungacowa!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': We need to be bigger.
:'''Steven''': Then let's fuse. All four of us. It's the only way we're gonna get up to her head.
:'''Amethyst''': I'm in!
:'''Pearl''': I'm in, too.
:'''Garnet''': Then it's decided. It's time to form Obsidian.
:''[Connie, Bismuth, Peridot, and Lapis back away to give some space for Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, and Steven to perform their fusion dance; Obsidian is formed by letting out a big loud cry for battle]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[amazed]'' They're HU-U-U-U-GE!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': You're wrong! I'm not my mom!
:'''White Diamond''': But don't you know things about her that you couldn't possibly know?
:'''Steven''': I-I've just been connecting with her. My powers, they-they help me to connect to others. I'm not her. I'm just feeling her feelings.
:'''White Diamond''': Isn't it obvious? Even though you've embedded yourself in that human child, your light can't help shining through!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connie''': Don't listen to her Steven! She's just trying to mess with you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''White Diamond''': What is this?! Where is Pink?
:'''Pink Steven''': She's gone.
:'''White Diamond''': What did you say? Answer me!
:'''Pink Steven''': ''[shouting]'' She's &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''GO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-NE!!!!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''White Diamond''': Agh! Don't you raise your shield at me! I only want you to be yourself! If you can't do that, I'll do it &lt;big&gt;FOR YOU!!!&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connie''': Steven! ''[rushes to Steven and hugs him]'' Are you back together? Are you you?
:'''Steven''': Yeah. Yeah! I’m me! I’ve always been me.
:'''White Diamond''': ''NO!'' You are Pink Diamond! That is Pink Diamond's gem! You do not look like this! You do not sound like this! You are not half-human! You're just... acting like a child!
:'''Steven''': I ''am'' a child. What's your excuse?
:'''White Diamond''': ''[starts blushing, and notices the Gems under her control doing the same]'' What's happening? What is this? What's wrong with them? They're turning... pink! I don't understand, I'm in control, I-- ''[gasps]'' Something's wrong! With ME! No!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''White Diamond''': What is this? I feel... ridiculous. Yellow, Blue...
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[gasps]'' She's off-color...
:'''White Diamond''': This can't be happening. I can't have a flaw, I'm supposed to be flawless! If I'm not perfect then... who am I? If you're not Pink, then... who are you? Who is ''anyone?''
:'''Steven''': You know, if you just let everyone be whoever they are, maybe you could let yourself be whoever you are too.
:'''White Diamond''': But I'm not supposed to be like this! I'm supposed to know better, I'm supposed to ''be'' better, I'm supposed to make ''everything'' better!
:'''Steven''': You can. But first, you're gonna have to leave your own head.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Padparadscha''': I predict our long journey through space will soon be over.
:'''Lars''': Welcome home, guys.
:'''Rhodonite''': We finally made it! Earth! No more running, no more hiding! No more Diamond Authority! ''[they notice the Diamonds, who have heard everything]'' Well, we're cracked.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sadie''': Lars... Look at you! You're... you're a space pirate!
:'''Lars''': Look at you! You're a rock star!
:'''Sadie''': ''[Laughs] Well... ''[Laughs]''
:''[They both laugh in unison]''
:'''Lars''': I think it suits us!
:'''Sadie''': Yeah. Me, too!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[singing]'' ♫ I don’t need you to respect me, I respect me. / I don’t need you to love me, I love me. / But I want you to know you could know me, / If you change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind, / If you change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind, / If you change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind, / Change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind. ♫

[[Category:Steven Universe seasons]]</text>
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    <revision>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-27T00:45:31Z</timestamp>
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      <comment>/* Reunited */</comment>
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]]
----
{{italic title}}
The following is a list of quotes from the fifth season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''.

===''Stuck Together''===
:'''Aquamarine''': Say, Rose, how do I look?
:'''Steven''': Awful, small and mean!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Topaz''': What was I thinking?
:'''Aquamarine''': That's the problem with you fusions. Sooner or later, you will become ''sentimental.'' ''[the ship rumbles, coming to a stop and a notification pops up]'' We're here. Look, just… unfuse, and we'll never speak of this again.

===''The Trial''===
:'''Steven''': ''[speaking to himself]'' I know my mom did something really bad. Whatever Homeworld has in store for me… I'M READY!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prosecuting Zircon''': Defending a rebel? Isn't that… ''treason?'' ''[chuckles]''
:'''Defense Zircon''': I was ''assigned'' to this!
:''[Blue and Yellow Pearl warp in]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': All rise for the luminous Yellow Diamond! ''[poses]''
:'''Blue Pearl''': And the lustrous Blue Diamond. ''[bows]''
:''[Blue and Yellow Diamond warp in behind them, staring down at Steven]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[looking around]'' Where is the accused?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[looks down at Steven]'' Is that Rose Quartz? Look at this ''hideous'' she's taken. Forget the trial, we should shatter just for looking like that.
:'''Blue Diamond''': No. I want to hear her make her case. I want to know what she thinks we're going to do with her. Because  I want to do something ''worse''.
:''[Steven gulps nervously]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[warps in their throne chairs]'' Fine. Let's just get on with it, shall we?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I did it!
:'''Defense Zircon''': Wha… What, what?! Stop!
:'''Blue Diamond''': No! I want to hear what she has to say.
:''[Steven is elevated up to the Diamonds' height]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': State your name for the record, please.
:'''Steven''': I, um… I am Rose Quartz… and I'm guilty.
:'''Defense Zircon''': Wait! No, don't say that!
:'''Steven''': Everything you guys I did, I did. And I did it by myself. I'm sorry. I'll accept any punishment you want to give me. ''[points down to Lars]'' Just let him go! And leave the Earth alone.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Ha! Sounds like a solid confession to me.
:'''Blue Diamond''': How? How did you do it? How did you shatter Pink Diamond?
:'''Steven''': ''[nervously]'' Um, well…I did it on Earth in front of Pink Diamond's palanquin. I was probably like &quot;Stop!&quot; And she was all like, &quot;No!&quot; So we fought -- I think. And she probably did some cool moves. I probably did some cool stuff, too, some jump-kicks and stuff. But I was most likely deeply conflicted about deciding to shatter her. Definitely crying. I probably had to use the Breaking Point to do it.
:'''Blue Diamond''': It was a ''sword!'' ''[covers her eyes, crying and a blue light fills the room, making everyone except Lars tear up]'' You… shattered her… with a sword! ''[starts sobbing]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[walks up and comforts Blue]'' That's quite enough testimony from you! We shall take a short recess.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Defense Zircon''': What are you saying in there?! &quot;Maybe&quot; this, &quot;probably&quot; that! Oh, what do you mean, ''probably''?!
:'''Steven''': Look I just... I don't actually know how it happened, okay?
:'''Defense Zircon''': You don't ''know''?!
:'''Steven''': I...
:'''Defense Zircon''': ''[grabs Steven by the shirt collar and picks him up]'' Don't tumble my rocks! Both our gems are on the line! Did you do this or not?!
:'''Steven''': It was me, alright! ''[Defense Zircon let's go of his shirt and drops him]'' Rose Quartz did it, and I've got her gem, so I'm the one who's got to pay for this.
:'''Defense Zircon''': You don't know how it happened. ''[Steven shakes his head]'' I get it. There's a reason they want you to explain how you did it.
:'''Steven''': Huh?
:'''Defense Zircon''': It's because it doesn't make sense!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You think you can get away, Rose? You stood your ground on that little speck called Earth. But you're on ''our'' world now.

===''Off Colors''===
:'''Padparadscha''': Oh my gosh, something incredible is going to happen to Lars!

===''Lars' Head''===
:'''Steven''': But it doesn't feel right to just leave you here.
:'''Lars''': You said yourself that everyone on this planet is out to get you. You won't be safe until you're back on Earth.
:'''Steven''': But, Lars--
:'''Lars''': Don't argue with me! You're always trying to help me. You brought me back to life. Just let me be somebody who deserved it.

===''Dewey Wins''===

===''Gemcation''===

===''Raising the Barn''===

===''Back to the Kindergarten''===
:'''Peridot''': This used to make sense to me. I thought life was generated in a kindergarten. Formless, aimless energy channeled into new, useful gems. But life doesn't start in a kindergarten. It ends here. I've gotten used to plants everywhere. Bugs and breeze and sunshine...all of that has been sucked out of this place. 

===''Sadie Killer''===

===''Kevin Party''===

===''Lars of the Stars''===
:'''Emerald''': ''[on screen]'' It's over! I've got you now you miserable off-colors!
:'''Lars''': You'll ''never'' take us alive, Emerald!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lars''': You don't get it, do you, Steven? ''[starts tearing up and sniffles]'' It should be me. ''[starts crying]'' ''I'm'' the one that should be hanging out with the Cool Kids! She's getting back at me for everything I've done!
:'''Connie''': Do you really think Sadie is living her life ''just'' to get back at you?
:'''Lars''': Why else would she be having so much fun without me?!
:'''Steven''': Because life goes on, no matter what happens. She was so upset when she found out you'd be stuck in space, Lars. She really misses you, but, she can't stay sad forever. She started hanging out with the Cool Kids. She quit the Big Donut, all because she needed to do ''something'' to feel better.
:'''Connie''': And look at you! Steven said you'd be hiding in some cave on Homeworld, but you're not! You're out here fighting for freedom with all your new friends in tow! Are ''you'' doing any of this to hurt Sadie?
:'''Lars''': No! I'm doing this because I have to. ''[tears up]'' I'd never do this to hurt Sadie because-
:'''Steven''': Because!
:'''Connie''': Because!
:'''Both''': Because you're best friends!
:''[Lars watches them fuse into Stevonnie]''
:'''Stevonnie''': And best friends wouldn't do anything to hurt each other!

===''Jungle Moon''===
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[squealing in excitement]'' Whoa, cool! Yellow! ''[jumps up to her chair]'' Hey, Yellow.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Oh, you're still here.
:'''Stevonnie''': What are you doing?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm commanding the dropships to colonize this planet.
:'''Stevonnie''': I wanna command a dropship!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Well, when you have your ''own'' colony, you can command whatever you want.
:'''Stevonnie''': I want a colony! ''[Yellow Diamond presses buttons on the panel with four diamonds]'' I want one now! ''[screen unlocks revealing a dropship on the panel]'' What's this?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm contacting the leader of the fleet.
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[amazed]'' Let me do it! ''[starts pressing buttons on the screen but Yellow Diamond grabs her arm]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[angrily]'' DON'T TOUCH THAT!
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[irritated]'' Why ''not''? You have so many worlds and I don't even have ''one''! It's not fair! I want ONE! I want my own ''army''! I want my own ''planet''! I deserve it! I'm just as important as ''YOU''!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[angrily]'' Then why don't you act like it, Pink?!
:''[Stevonnie walks away, holding their arm, angry; approach a window and their fist clenches; Pink Diamond is seen through their reflection and the hand punches the glass smashing it; She suddenly wakes up from the dream, falling out of the hammock on the ground]''
:'''Stevonnie''': (''talking through Connie'') Whoa! ''[breathing hard]'' Steven, what was that? (''talking through Steven'') Diamonds. I'm having Diamond dreams again. But, why now? Why ''here''? ''[looks up and see a mural of Yellow Diamond]'' No way.

===''Your Mother and Mine''===
:'''Garnet''': Come on, everyone. Let me tell you the story of the ''real'' Rose Quartz. ''[Flashback story begins; narrating]'' It was Era 1. The Diamonds, unique in their flawlessness, sought to expand their perfection across the galaxy. And it was for this purpose that Pink Diamond chose her first colony-- the planet Earth. On Earth, every Gem was made to serve Pink Diamond, each with a role to play in her world's perfect empire. In comparison to their creator, their existence was ordinary. They were life-forms only meant to fit their mold, and no one had ever dared to think otherwise. Until, there was Rose Quartz. In stature, she was no different than any other Quartz. And for a time, she did her best to carry out her Diamond's bidding. However, she began to take notice of her strange colony and the life that existed there. Curiosity turned to appreciation. Appreciation turned to fondness. And fondness… turned to love. Soon she was unable to keep her findings secret, and she began asking her fellow Gems if they knew of the life on Earth and what they made of it. She continued to pry her fellow Kindergartners with questions ''so'' odd, that word of her eventually made its way to Pink Diamond. Rose Quartz was summoned at once.
:'''Pink Diamond''': Quartz, what have you been saying down there?
:'''Rose''': My Diamond, it has come to my attention that your colony, Earth, bears life. While I know these organic life-forms serve no purpose, I ask that we leave this planet and spare their lives.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Pink Diamond thought for a moment, and then laughed, a wicked, empty sound.
:'''Pink Diamond''': ''[laughing]'' You wish to save these life-forms at the expense of our own? Ha! Don't be absurd. Return to your post, and I will forget your insolence.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' And with that, Rose Quartz was dragged back to her kindergarten for duty. ''[A gem drags Rose away and she continues working]'' Only Rose could no longer stand to continue aiding in the destruction of Earth. She had no choice. She had to fight.
:'''Rose''': ''[stops working and jumps into the air, changing her uniform into a dress before destroying an injector, stands on the broken injector and speaks to the other Quartzes]'' Is this what you want -- to inject, to build?! I've seen the life that exists for itself, and it lives here! Will you destroy it, or will you join it?
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Rose's message began to resonate to Pink Diamond's dismay. Her colony was falling apart. So, like a coward, she called for her Diamond allies, Yellow and Blue, to help. But Rose also found herself with allies, other Gems that were cast out for being wrong-- a Pearl who belonged to no one… a Bismuth who built weapons for rebels instead of towers for tyrants… An entirely new fusion, for not power, but for love… And countless others, all inspired by Rose to live for ourselves on Earth. She was our leader. And Earth was our precious home. And those who fought to save it became known as…the Crystal Gems!
:'''Rhodonite''': Unbelievable!
:'''Rutile Twins''': There were Gems like us?
:'''Padparadscha''': Fighting.
:'''Fluorite''': For… their… freedom?
:'''Garnet''': Yes, and we were fearless! ''[Flashback resumes; narrating]'' It was an impossible fight, but we fought anyway. And the more Gems who saw us, the more who joined. But Pink Diamond's forces proved too strong. Rose feared that soon she would have nothing left to protect. Rose Quartz drew her rebel blade… and shattered Pink Diamond, saving the Earth for all time from her reign of terror.
:'''Rutile Twins''': Wow! That's incredible! I don't believe it!
:'''Lars''': ''[to Steven]'' Your mom did all that? That's awesome!
:'''Rhodonite''': Wait. What about the rest? What happened after that?
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The other Diamonds were furious. In a last-ditch attempt to wipe out the Rebellion, the Diamonds launched a direct attack against Earth. And in their fury, they used their powers to end the fighting once and for all.
:'''Padparadscha''': I predict this story won't have a happy ending.
:'''Rutile Twins''': We were all told different stories. But they all ended the same way.
:'''Fluorite''': With Rose Quartz… being… defeated.
:'''Rhodonite''': This new version of the story is even worse! So, she was great, and they beat her? What are we supposed to get out of this -- that we can never win?!
:'''Garnet''': We haven't yet, but we can, and we will. They said they annihilated Rose's rebellion, but here ''we'' are. They said they annihilated all of you on Homeworld, but here ''you'' are! They think they have us on the run, but they're the ones that are running from the truth. And the truth is we... are... everywhere!
:'''Rhodonite''': But how many more of us can there be?
:'''Steven''': Way more than you think! I was only on Homeworld for, like, an hour before I ran in to you guys. There must be Off Colors all over the place.
:'''Garnet''': Rose used to say there was something about Earth -- something that set Gems free. But it's not just Earth. Look at you. Love, freedom -- it's universal. You all prove it every moment you live as yourselves. You can show everyone.
:'''Fluorite''': We… can do that?
:'''Lars''': Not while we're floating out here like sitting ducks.

===''The Big Show''===

===''Pool Hopping''===
:'''Garnet''': I think I get it.
:'''Steven''': Hm?
:'''Garnet''': Why my future vision has been so off. I have to change the way I think about you. 
:'''Steven''': What?
:'''Garnet''': I've been looking into probable futures where you act like a child. I keep expecting you to run from responsibility and to turn to me for help, but you don't do that anymore. Those futures aren't probable at all. There's nothing wrong with this timeline or my future vision. I just need to factor in that you've grown up.

===''Letters to Lars''===

===''Can't Go Back''===
:'''Blue Diamond''': But this is what you wanted.
:'''Steven''': ''[wakes up and gasps; turns to see Lapis is nowhere to be seen]'' Lapis? ''[turns forward to the silhouettes of Blue, Yellow, and Pink Diamond]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': You begged us for a colony of your own, and now all you want to do is be rid of it. First there were too many organics. Then their cities were too difficult to dismantle, and -- and now these Crystal Gems. We're tired of your excuses, Pink. We're tired of your excuses, Pink.
:'''Steven''': The Diamonds.
:'''Blue Diamonds''': This Rose Quartz can't hurt you. You can't be swayed by a few unruly Gems. ''[Holds her hand up as Pink Diamond is about to say something]'' Enough! You must understand, you are a Diamond. Everyone on this planet is looking to you. You don't even have to do anything. Just smile and wave. Show everyone you're unfazed by this little uprising. Your Gems will fall into line, and these Crystal Gems will be no more. As long as you are there to rule, this colony will be completed.

===''A Single Pale Rose''===
:'''Steven''': It better not turn out that her phone was in her pocket...or she left it on the dresser or dropped it in the toilet. Seems about as likely as putting it away in your repressed war memories.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Steven returns from Pearl's gem after learning the truth about how Rose Quartz &quot;shattered&quot; Pink Diamond]''
:'''Steven''': I know.  
:'''Pearl''': ''[tearing up]'' I wanted to tell you for ''so'' long.
:'''Steven''': Mom was Pink Diamond.
:''[Garnet and Amethyst stand in shock behind Steven]''
:'''Amethyst''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAAAAAAAAAT?!?'''&lt;/big&gt;

===''Now We're Only Falling Apart''===
:'''Amethyst''': Let me get this straight. Rose Quartz, leader of the Crystal Gems, Steven's mom, was actually Pink Diamond?!
:'''Steven''': She faked her own shattering, and reformed to be Rose all the time.
:'''Pearl''': Pink Diamond's final command to me was that no one could know, but now that Steven does, I can finally tell you all everything!
:'''Amethyst''': Phew! I mean, a pink lion, a pink sword, and now Pink Diamond?! Huh, if you told me Rose invented cotton candy, I'd believe it. Right, Garnet? Uh, Garnet?
:'''Garnet''': ''[shaking and gets up]'' Rose. She... she... ''[struggles to stay stable and defuses into Ruby and Sapphire]''
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire...
:'''Sapphire''': ''[betrayed and heartbroken with fury]'' '''SHE LIED TO US!''' She lied about EVERYTHING! ''[freezes up the floor]'' She held our hands, looked us right in the eyes, and told us to never question who we are as Garnet. We never questioned ourselves, or her!
:'''Ruby''': We couldn't have known!
:'''Sapphire''': No, you couldn't have known. You never know what's going on. That's what I'm for!
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire...
:'''Sapphire''': But I never looked into her, I trusted her... I let her make fools of us all!
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire, wait!
:'''Steven''': Guys! ''[slips on the ice]''
:'''Ruby''': Please...We can just stay calm and talk about this, right? Let's just, talk.
:'''Sapphire''': Talk about what? How our relationship is based on a lie? What else is there to say? ''[warps to Rose's Fountain]''
:'''Pearl''': Ruby, I am so sorry...
:'''Steven''': Come on, Pearl. Help me explain everything to Sapphire.
:'''Pearl''': Right.
:'''Steven''': Sit tight, Ruby. We'll go and get Sapphire.
:'''Ruby''': Okay. ''[starts crying]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sapphire''': ''[grieving]'' Everything we were running from, she was right there all along…using us for her little war…smiling at us with those knowing eyes… Making me believe in a better future that I couldn't see, because it wasn't real. And now here we are, our friends, shattered, and corrupted…of course she was a Diamond. What a long road she took to torture us all like this.
:'''Steven''': It wasn't like that. You know she didn't want anyone to get hurt.
:'''Sapphire''': I don't know that! I clearly don't know anything.
:'''Pearl''': You deserve to know everything. I was given to Pink Diamond a few thousand years before she was given the Earth. I was supposed to make her happy, I just never could.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': Is everything alright, my Diamond? You seem troubled.
:'''Rose''': All this life that's been growing wild here on Earth…none of it will survive my invasion. We're not creating life from nothing. We're ''taking'' life, and leaving nothing behind.
:'''Pearl''': Forgive me, my Diamond. I shouldn't have brought you to such a place.
:'''Rose''': No. I needed to see this.
:''[scene shifts back to the fountain]''
:'''Steven''': So she ''did'' want to protect Earth. She didn't realize what the colony was doing to the planet.
:'''Sapphire''': So what?! She suddenly started to care about Earth? Why did she have to rope us into all this? Why couldn't she just stop the colonization herself?
:'''Pearl''': She ''tried''. When she told the other Diamonds she didn't want to go through with the colony, they told her to finish what she started. When she told the other Diamonds she wanted to preserve life on Earth, they created the zoo and threw a handful of humans in. She did everything she could as Pink Diamond. But her status meant nothing to Blue and Yellow. So she decided to make a stand, as someone they couldn't ignore. She was going to scare every Gem off the planet. But everything changed when she saw…your fusion.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': Before Garnet, Rose was only fighting for Earth. But Garnet changed everything. Rose wanted to fight for her, she wanted to fight for Gems! And maybe she was foolish, and maybe even...selfish, but she was-
:'''Sapphire''': Following us.
:'''Pearl''': What?
:'''Sapphire''': This whole time, we thought we were following her, but she was following ''us''. How could she not after you swept her off her feet?

===''What's your Problem''===

===''The Question''===

===''Made of Honor''===
:'''Steven''': So, my Dad will finish playing the music, and then next you'll do the &quot;I do&quot;s. And then I'll say… &quot;I now pronounce you Garnet.&quot; And then you fuse! Everyone will cheer!
:'''Sapphire''': Everyone… who survived.
:'''Ruby''': Huh?
:'''Sapphire''': Oh, it's just… There's so many old friends who won't be able to come. All the Crystal Gems who were corrupted and bubbled in the basement.
:'''Ruby''': Maybe we could bring the bubbles up here?
:'''Sapphire''': No, no. It's not safe. We can't risk them getting out.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bismuth''': Hey everyone. Did you guys &quot;Bismi-th&quot; me?
:''[Pearl, Sapphire, Ruby and Amethyst drop their sodas simultaneously]''
:'''Peridot''': Ha! I win! Also, less importantly, who are you?
:'''Steven''': I… invited Bismuth! I hope that's cool.
:'''Sapphire''': ''[slowly walks up to her]'' Bismuth. ''[hugs her]''
:'''Bismuth''': Whoa, Sapphire!
:'''Pearl and Ruby''': Bismuth! ''[tackle her to the floor, and begin nuzzling her]''
:'''Sapphire''': You wouldn't believe what we've all been through. I'm so sorry! We should've-
:'''Bismuth''': Look, I'm right there with you, Steven filled me in.
:'''Peridot''': So, is anyone going to introduce me?
:'''Amethyst''': Let's give 'em some space.

===''Reunited''===
:'''Steven''': Dearly beloved Gems, humans, lions big and small, living gourds, Onion, we are gathered here today to celebrate Ruby and Sapphire, two of my favorite people, who combine into one of my other favorite people! You all probably know her as Garnet. She's their love, given form. Now it's your turn to talk about that.
:'''Ruby''': I know this is all kind of silly, I mean, we've been together for 5,750 years.
:'''Sapphire''': And 8 months.
:'''Ruby''': I used to feel like I wasn't much good, just one of me on my own. But when we're together, it feels like it's okay to just be me. So I wanna be me, with you, an-and, not even the Diamonds will come between us. And if they try, we'll beat em up!
:'''Sapphire''': Ruby, my future used to look like one single, obvious stream, unbending 'til the end of time. In an instant, you pulled me from that destiny and opened my eye to an explosion of infinite possible futures, streaking across space and time, altered and obliterated by the smallest force of will. ''[beat]'' What I mean is, you changed my life. And then, I changed your life. And now, we changed our lives.
:'''Steven''': Bismuth, the rings.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[gently bumps Bismuth]'' Hey Bismuth, that's your cue.
:''[Bismuth, touched and crying by the vows, approaches them with the rings]''
:'''Steven''': Ruby, do you take this Gem to have and to hold, on this and every other planet in the universe!?
:'''Ruby''': I DO!
:'''Steven''': And Sapphire, do you-
:'''Sapphire''': Yes.
:'''Steven''': ''[whispering]'' You didn't let me finish.
:'''Sapphire''': I'm just very excited.
:'''Steven''': Then by the power vested in me by the state of Delmarva, I now pronounce you… Garnet!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': What a wonderful idea. Humans found a way to make a moment's decision last forever. I won't need future vision to know I'll always remember this.
:'''Steven''': I'm so glad. ''[starts tearing up]''
:'''Garnet''': Oh no. I'm sorry. Don't cry.
:'''Steven''': ''[wipes off the tears]'' I guess seeing everyone together got me really choked up. ''[bigger tears begin flowing out of his eyes]'' Wait a second. You don't think…?
:'''Garnet''': ''[takes off her visor, opening her third eye]'' Blue Diamond!
:'''Steven''': She's here?!
:'''Garnet''': And she's not alone.
:''[The sky darkens quickly and everyone looks up to the sky, seeing Blue and Yellow Diamond's ships approaching]''
:'''Steven''': Oh, no. It's the Diamonds! ''[runs up to Nanefua]'' Nanefua, get on your Nane-phone! We've got a code blue ''and'' a code yellow!
:'''Garnet''': This is it.
:''[As the Diamond ships approach the beach, they fly overhead them]''
:'''Peridot''': WE'RE OVER HERE, YOU CLODS!
:'''Pearl''': Wha- where are they going?!
:'''Steven''': If they're not here for us, they must be here for the Cluster!
:'''Bismuth''': What's the Cluster?
:'''Steven''': It's a huge earth-destroying geo-weapon that the Diamonds made out of a bajillion gem shards!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': You cannot fathom how much I've mourned, what thousands of years of grief has done to me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': I know this sword. This is the sword that '''SHATTERED HER!''' ''[shatters the sword as Steven gasps, which made Connie fall down only to be caught by Lion]'' You deserve this-- ''all'' of you!
:'''Steven''': Stop, please!
:'''Amethyst''': Steven…
:'''Pearl''': What do we do?
:'''Steven''': I don't know. She won't listen, she just wants to fight!
:'''Garnet''': Blue Diamond!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Who are you supposed to be?
:'''Garnet''': I am the will of two Gems to care for each other, to protect each other from any threat, no matter how vast or how cruel. You couldn't stop me 5,750 years ago, and you can't stop me now!
:'''Blue Diamond''': It's you, that Ruby and Sapphire that disrupted my court.
:'''Garnet''': This is supposed to be MY day!
:'''Blue Diamond''': You hope to defeat me by clinging to my feet?
:'''Garnet''': I just needed to keep you from taking three steps to the right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': Lapis Lazuli? Does every Gem that comes in contact with this planet turn traitor?!
:'''Lapis''': I've felt ''worse.''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': With all our strength together, we can take her down!
:'''Steven''': That's right! This is our home, our planet, our friends and family! We are the Crystal Gems!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Pathetic! You are &lt;big&gt;'''NOTHING!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Ha! I told her off, once. I can do it again. ''[jumps off Bismuth's hands and runs up to Yellow Diamond]'' Hey! Yellow Clod! '''''REMEMBER ME?!'''''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': No. ''[zaps and poofs Peridot to her gemstone]''
:'''Steven''': Stop! ''[jumps off Garnet's hands and runs up to the Diamonds]'' Don't do this! Listen to me, ''I'm'' the one you're missing! I'm Pink Diamond!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[shocked and angry]'' You! ''[charges towards Steven as he summons his shield]''
:'''Garnet''': Steven!
:''[Yellow Diamond stomps her foot on Steven in fury, knocking him out unconsciously]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lapis Lazuli''': What else have you got?! I've only just begun to fight! ''[gets zapped and poofed to her gemstone by Yellow Diamond]''
:'''Steven''': ''[shocked gasp]'' Lapis!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''How miserable. I knew Pink couldn't handle her own colony. But, I gave in. And now, I'm to blame for her fate.''
:'''Steven''': Ah, her thoughts are too strong!
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''What good will any of this do? The more I make these Gems suffer, the more I long to see you again, Pink.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': This feeling, I know it!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': It must be a trick! Show yourself, foe!
:'''Steven''': I'm not your foe. Please, just listen to me!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': There!
:'''Steven''': ''Please, the fighting has to stop. We aren't enemies. We're family. Please listen to me. I need you to know who I am!!!''
:'''Blue Diamond''': Impossible.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': This aura...
:'''Blue Diamond''': It's you! Pink!

===''Legs From Here to Homeworld''===
:'''Garnet''': We can't just hand Steven over to Blue Diamond, she's a shatterer!
:'''Bismuth''': She's not gonna hurt him, look at her. She really thinks he's one of them.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[sobbing loudly]'' Somebody make Blue Diamond stop!
:'''Connie''': Are you guys okay?
:'''Pearl''': It's just… ''[sniffles]'' Blue Diamond's power. She's obviously relieved that Pink Diamond wasn't shattered after all.
:''[Yellow Diamond tries to reactive her ship and Blue Diamond's, but are too damaged]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmm. How could you do this to us, Pink? Why did you let us think you were shattered? Why the strange disguise? Why are you doing a voice? Why didn't you say something at the trial?! And Blue, could you please stop crying? I can't see. ''[wipes her tears, splashing the Gems]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': Sorry. ''[sets Steven down]''
:'''Steven''': My mom kept it secret from everyone.
:'''Pearl''': Ahem.
:'''Steven''': Almost everyone.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What are you talking about?
:'''Steven''': Well, apparently, Mom… Oh, geez. You don't know what a mom is. Okay, Pink Diamond took the form of Rose Quartz permanently after faking her shattering. Then, Rose Quartz gave up ''that'' form to create a new life with my dad-- me. Rose passed her gemstone and some of her powers onto me, but that's all. I-I don't have any of Pink ''or'' Rose's memories. I'm sorry.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmm. I'm sure your memories are in there somewhere, Pink.
:'''Steven''': Actually, I go by &quot;Steven.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': We can only do so much, if it was the ''four'' of us.
:'''Blue Diamond''': Oh, no. We can't let ''her'' see this!
:'''Steven''': Who? Who do we need?!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What do you mean, &quot;who?&quot; White.
:'''Pearl''': ''[shocked]'' White Diamond?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While traveling to Homeworld]''
:'''Steven''': Should I have brought a gift for White Diamond? We ''are'' dropping in unexpectedly, and… I want to make a good first impression. Her help will mean everything for the Corrupted Gems.
:'''Pearl''': Steven...
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmph. &quot;Good impression&quot;? We'll be lucky if she ever ''speaks'' to us again after this.
:'''Steven''': But...
:'''Blue Diamond''': The thing is, White... can be... ''difficult''.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': When we show up in this ship, it will be irrefutable that the last 6,000 years are now the biggest galactic embarrassment that's ever happened. And ''we're'' the ones to blame. (''to Steven'') If you don't want to be in a bubble for the next few millennia, I suggest you let ''me'' do the talking.

===''Familiar''===
:'''Steven''': Pearl!
:'''Pearl''': Steven! ''[runs over to Steven and hugs him]'' Oh, thank the stars! You're okay! What did White Diamond do? Did she hurt you?
:'''Steven''': No, she was like, &quot;Welcome home.&quot; I don't think she understands that I'm not Pink Diamond. Where's Connie? And Garnet and Amethyst?
:'''Pearl''': They're still on the ship. ''[summons a hot dog bag]'' I'm only here because I'm bringing your things. And they consider me one of your things.
:'''Steven''': Yeesh.
:''[Diamond chime plays]''
:'''Pearl''': The Diamond chime -- it's Yellow.
:''[The door opens, revealing Yellow Pearl standing right there]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Diamond, my Diamond has requested your presence in the extraction chamber.
:'''Pearl''': Let's get you into a suit. ''[opens the bag]''
:''[Steven, wearing his yellow swimsuit, Pearl, and Yellow Pearl walk through a yellow hallway]''
:'''Steven''': Swim trunks don't seem very formal.
:'''Pearl''': Trust me, this will be more comfortable than jeans.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Diamond.
:'''Steven''': Please, call me Steven.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Steven.
:'''Steven''': No, just Steven.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Just Steven.
:'''Steven''': Call me... Lasagna.
:'''Pearl''': Steven, stop. You're going to break her. ''[opens the extraction chamber door]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Have a nice extraction, Pink Lasagna.
:''[Steven walks into the extraction chamber sauna]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Pink.
:'''Steven''': Hi, Yellow. Cool sauna.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': It's new. Have a seat. ''[Steven uses his floating powers to jump up and takes a seat]'' So, you met with White. How was it?
:'''Steven''': All I got to say was, &quot;Hi,&quot; and, &quot;um,&quot; and, &quot;I.&quot;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Two and a half words -- that's a record.
:'''Steven''': Two and a half words isn't enough. I still need to talk to White about healing all the corrupted Gems!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmm. Good luck. White never leaves her own head these days, and she never lets anyone in -- except you, I guess. It's so unfair. I have hundreds of successful crystal system colonies, but you get to see her because your one colony is a failure!
:'''Steven''': Maybe you should just… ''fail?''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[looks momentarily shocked, then starts laughing]'' Oh, Pink, you always did have quite a knack for making me laugh. You're almost worth the trouble.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Pearl''': ''[showing up]'' Pink Diamond, my Diamond was requested your presence.
:''[Steven, Pearl, and Blue Pearl walk down a blue hallway]''
:'''Steven''': We barely talked about White at all. She had to rush to do a report, and I couldn't go with her. I get they're, like, busy, 'cause they're dictators and everything, but I need more time! ''[gasps and face-palms]'' I should have asked her what she was doing after the Citron thing!
:'''Pearl''': She'll be at that for a while. Yellow Diamond oversees all aspects of Gem production on every single one of her colonies. And when she's not doing that, she's off with her army, conquering the next one.
:'''Steven''': What about their days off, weekends?
:'''Blue Pearl''': My Diamond is awaiting our arrival.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Pearl''': ''[turns to Pearl]'' Welcome back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': You're here! Come in.
:'''Steven''': Okay! ''[runs and jumps into the pool, laughing]'' Whoo-hoo! (''laughing'') It's funny! I -- I live right next to the ocean, but I end up going to space to swim.
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[laughs, causing the pool to shake a bit]'' You haven't changed. So silly. So small.
:'''Steven''': I'm not done growing. I'm not sure I can catch up to you and Yellow, though.
:'''Blue Diamond''': I'm so glad you're back... Steven.
:'''Steven''': Y-You actually said my name!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Steven. Steee-von? (''chuckles'') It's such a funny sounding name. You're so creative, Pink.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': (''sighs'') This is so weird. Was this some sort of spa day or something? And what about Pink? Did she have a job here, or did she just sit in a room while they were off doing whatever?
:'''Pearl''': Before her colony, Pink used to throw massive balls.
:'''Steven''': ''[surprised]'' She was a juggler?!
:'''Pearl''': No -- Well, yes. But she would also throw parties for the other Diamonds to mark their many accomplishments. Every member of every court would show up to bask in the presence of all four Diamonds.
:'''Steven''': Even White would come?
:'''Pearl''': Oh, yes! Huh. I wonder what's even become of Pink's court.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ♫ Oh, I'll get them all together in one place / And once we're all together face-to-face / I'll show them all the error of their ways / And stop their spread of terror across space! ♫

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I figured it out! Remember back when I was little and maybe kind of annoying, and I couldn't come along on adventures? You guys would still drop everything to hang out with me! That's Pink Diamond! I know I can do this! Just watch -- I'm gonna throw a huge ball, and I'm gonna invite everyone!

===''Together Alone''===
:'''Pearl''': The Pebbles have been working all night. What do you think?
:'''Steven''': It almost feels like home.
:'''Garnet''': Almost.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': A ball? We haven't had a ball in 6,000 years.
:'''Blue Diamond''': We haven't had Pink in 6,000 years!
:'''Steven''': Yeah! When White Diamond shows up we can tell her why we need her help on Earth!
:'''Blue Diamond''': And, this can also mark the beginning of Era 3.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You're right, it's brilliant.
:'''Steven''': Thank you, Yellow! Thank you, Blue!
:'''Blue Diamond''': If White is going to be there everything has to be perfect! Pink, can you manage this on your own? Our Pearls can help you get started.
:'''Blue Pearl''': At your service, Pink Diamond.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Make sure you go through all of our customs with Pink, since she has so much trouble recalling her past here on Homeworld.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Yes, My Diamond.
:'''Pearl''': Era 3! Steven, you're already changing the world!
:'''Steven''': Yeah! Come on, party Pearls!
:'''Yellow and Blue Pearl''': We are at your command, Pink Diamond.
:'''Steven''': Just call me Steven.
:'''Yellow and Blue Pearl''': Whatever you command, Pink Diamond.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': Balloons everywhere! Confetti cannons too!
:'''Amethyst''': Dibs on being the confetti cannon!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Cannons are ''forbidden'' inside palace walls. These &quot;balloons&quot; you're referring to, are unprecedented and therefore out of the question.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Diamond! Your subjects will do the dancing for you! Why would a Diamond want to dance?
:'''Steven''': Because dancing's fun!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': What is &quot;fun&quot;?
:'''Connie''': You know, it's when you do something you wanna do, just because it feels good.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': I don't think we do that here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': The Sapphire will need to enter with the other Sapphires of course, and the Ruby will need to enter with the guard.
:'''Steven''': Woah, woah, woah. Are you talking about Garnet?
:'''Blue Diamond''': Garnet? Does &quot;that&quot; call herself a Garnet? What would you have her do? Enter with the Demantoids, the Hessonites, the Pyropes? Pink, I'm being very generous, but you can't expect me to-
:'''Garnet''': I won't go.
:'''Steven''': Garnet?
:'''Blue Diamond''': At least the Sapphire in there has some sense.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Everyone, behold! The daunting, beauty and elegance that is, Yellow Diamond!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Not a bad turnout, Pink.
:'''Steven''': I appreciate your attendance, Yellow.
:'''Blue Pearl''': Ahem, everyone prepare yourselves emotionally for the overpowering elegance that is, Blue Diamond.
:'''Blue Diamond''': You're doing great.
:'''Steven''': Thank you, Blue.
:'''White Pearl''': To those in attendance of the Era 3 ball, White Diamond... has more important things to attend to.
:'''Steven''': WHAT?!
:'''White Pearl''': Therefore, I will be here to observe in her place. Welcome to Era 3.
:'''Steven''': Gra!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': (''through gritted teeth'') Pink, what are you doing?!
:'''Stevonnie''': I was just dancing! (''sees they have fused and everybody else looks in shock'')
:'''Blue Diamond''': Pink, this is completely unacceptable! Unfuse or I'll make you!
:''[Ruby and Sapphire fuse and become Garnet]''
:'''Garnet''': You'll have to go through me!
:'''Pearl''': (''gasp'') And me! (''Runs over to Amethyst and fuses into Opal'')
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah!
:''[two jades quickly fuse as well]''
:'''Lemon Jade''': And me! ''[Opal and Stevonnie look at Garnet, and she shrugs]'' I knew it! I knew I couldn't be the only one!
:''[Yellow Diamond strikes the Jade Fusion, Opal, and Garnet with her lightning powers, causing them all to poof]''
:'''Stevonnie''': Opal! Garnet!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Pink, you've gone too far even for you. ''[picks up Stevonnie and throws them into a dark room]'' Stay in here and think about what you've done!
:'''Stevonnie''': No, wait!
:''[Yellow Diamond closes the door, ends the episode]''

===''Escapism''===
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[singing]'' ♫ I guess I have to face, that in this awful place, I shouldn't show a trace... of doubt. / But pulled against the grain, I feel a little pain, that I would rather do... without. / I'd rather be free-ee-ee, free-ee-ee, free... / I'd rather be free-ee-ee, free-ee-ee, free... / Free-ee-ee, free-ee-ee, free... / from here. ♫

===''Change Your Mind''===
:'''Steven''': ''[wakes up and looks up at the prison tower window]'' Oh, right -- prison.
:''[Blue Diamond enters]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': I cannot believe you! Making a scene like that.
:''' Steven''': We weren't trying to make a scene! We were just... ''[turns to see that Connie is not present]'' dancing?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': I cannot believe you -- making a scene like that!
:'''Steven''': Whoa -- dejá blue.
:'''Connie''': We didn't mean any harm! I asked Steven to dance; he wasn't trying to cause trouble!
:'''Blue Diamond''': What do you know about this, human?
:'''Connie''': ''[chuckles]'' You think I've never been grounded before?
:'''Blue Diamond''': &quot;Grounded?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': This isn't normal. How many times did you lock her in here? How many times did you make her cry?!
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[defensive]'' I didn't, I... and I'm doing it again... aren't I?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What... are you doing?
:'''Steven''': I'm taking back my friends!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[closes her eyes as she looks up from Steven to readdress Blue; annoyed]'' What are you doing, Blue? Take Pink back to the tower.
:'''Blue Diamond''': She prefers to be called &quot;Steven.&quot;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[slams her hand so forcefully against her throne that it cracks, stands up and assumes an angered stance]'' What are you talking about?! You can't keep bending the rules for her, Blue! She has to set an example, and ''we'' have to set an example! If we bend the rules for her, we have to bend them for everyone!
:'''Connie''': Well, maybe you should!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Take them back to the tower, now!
:'''Blue Diamond''': I won't.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Then I'll do it myself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': When we thought Pink was shattered, when she abandoned us, I alone was there for you, and you would use your power against &lt;big&gt;'''ME?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You'd hurt a fellow Diamond?!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Didn't we hurt Pink?! She was suffering in silence for ages -- just like our Gems -- just like me! And I know ''you're'' suffering in silence, too!
:''[Yellow Diamond claps her fist and uses her lightning power on Blue, causing her to begin to destabilize and scream]''
:'''Steven''': Stop! ''[pulls out his shield and chucks it towards Yellow Diamond's hand, disrupting her concentration]'' You don't have to do this!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Yes, I do! This is what White Diamond expects of all of us. From a thin flake of mica to the deepest, hardest stone, we all must make sacrifices for the sake of our perfect empire.
:'''Steven''': Does ''this'' look perfect to you?! My dad says if every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn't have hot dogs.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': And that means... what?
:'''Steven''': It means if you try and make this empire perfect -- if you just wipe away everything you see as flawed -- you lose all the things that make you happy -- like hot dogs.
:'''Blue Diamond''': Or our Pink.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Uhh... ''[falls to the ground on her knees in an uncharacteristic emotional breakdown]'' Stop. Stop it, Blue. Stop using your power on me...!
:'''Blue Diamond''': I'm not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': Hey, White, I know I was in there with you for a second, but I barely got to talk to you at all. There are so many Gems that are hurting right now. Even Blue and Yellow are hurting. You should hear what they have to say. ''[to Blue and Yellow; whispers]'' This is it.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[struggling]'' We... W-we... We need to talk! About us. I've conquered so many worlds for the sake of the empire. I do everything you ask, and I do it all perfectly. But your very high standards put us all under a ''lot'' of pressure. A Gem could crack under so much pressure. We Diamonds may be hard, but we're also brittle.
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[steps forward]'' White, we used to be close. Don't you remember? When Pink would make us laugh -- all those silly things she did for no reason. There was a reason. She wanted us to be happy together. But we weren't, and we're still not. I know my purpose isn't to be happy, but I find it harder and harder to enforce your rules when they make me miserable. When they make us all miserable.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rainbow Quartz 2.0''': Well, what do you know? It's Rainbow 2.0! Now, this is a fine mess we're in. (''gasps'') That won't do. (''blows raspberry'') Rainbow Quartz powers, activate! Ah, yes. Now that's two stones, with one bird.
:''[Steven and new reformed Pearl unfuse]''
:'''Amethyst''': Wow! Nice form, Pearl.
:'''Pearl''': Oh, ''[chuckles]'' thank you. I'm particularly excited about the jacket. Aah! Steven! We fused!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sunstone''': Awwwwwwwwwww yeah! You better step off! Chillax, my dudes. Your rockin' pal Sunstone is holdin' it down.
:'''Pearl''': Wow!
:'''Amethyst''': Holy...
:'''Connie''': All right!
:'''Peridot''': Unbelievable!
:'''Sunstone''': Oh, you better believe it.
:'''Peridot''': Okay!
:'''Connie''': Sunstone, what are we gonna do? White Diamond's never going to listen, and she's never going to let us leave.
:'''Sunstone''': If she won't listen, we'll ''make'' her listen.
:'''Amethyst''': And ''how'' are we gonna do that?
:'''Sunstone''': I know she's in there. We'll bust into her head and change her mind.
:'''Everyone''': Right!
:'''Sunstone''': Let's take that bully down! ''[to the viewers]'' But remember kids: if you ever have to deal with a bully, be sure to tell an adult. ''[yanks Pearl and Amethyst onto their shoulders and sprints towards the giant pink foot of the ship]'' Ally-oop! ''[summons her suction cups]'' Kids, don't try this at home. Ha! Bungacowa!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': We need to be bigger.
:'''Steven''': Then let's fuse. All four of us. It's the only way we're gonna get up to her head.
:'''Amethyst''': I'm in!
:'''Pearl''': I'm in, too.
:'''Garnet''': Then it's decided. It's time to form Obsidian.
:''[Connie, Bismuth, Peridot, and Lapis back away to give some space for Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, and Steven to perform their fusion dance; Obsidian is formed by letting out a big loud cry for battle]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[amazed]'' They're HU-U-U-U-GE!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': You're wrong! I'm not my mom!
:'''White Diamond''': But don't you know things about her that you couldn't possibly know?
:'''Steven''': I-I've just been connecting with her. My powers, they-they help me to connect to others. I'm not her. I'm just feeling her feelings.
:'''White Diamond''': Isn't it obvious? Even though you've embedded yourself in that human child, your light can't help shining through!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connie''': Don't listen to her Steven! She's just trying to mess with you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''White Diamond''': What is this?! Where is Pink?
:'''Pink Steven''': She's gone.
:'''White Diamond''': What did you say? Answer me!
:'''Pink Steven''': ''[shouting]'' She's &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''GO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-NE!!!!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''White Diamond''': Agh! Don't you raise your shield at me! I only want you to be yourself! If you can't do that, I'll do it &lt;big&gt;FOR YOU!!!&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connie''': Steven! ''[rushes to Steven and hugs him]'' Are you back together? Are you you?
:'''Steven''': Yeah. Yeah! I’m me! I’ve always been me.
:'''White Diamond''': ''NO!'' You are Pink Diamond! That is Pink Diamond's gem! You do not look like this! You do not sound like this! You are not half-human! You're just... acting like a child!
:'''Steven''': I ''am'' a child. What's your excuse?
:'''White Diamond''': ''[starts blushing, and notices the Gems under her control doing the same]'' What's happening? What is this? What's wrong with them? They're turning... pink! I don't understand, I'm in control, I-- ''[gasps]'' Something's wrong! With ME! No!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''White Diamond''': What is this? I feel... ridiculous. Yellow, Blue...
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[gasps]'' She's off-color...
:'''White Diamond''': This can't be happening. I can't have a flaw, I'm supposed to be flawless! If I'm not perfect then... who am I? If you're not Pink, then... who are you? Who is ''anyone?''
:'''Steven''': You know, if you just let everyone be whoever they are, maybe you could let yourself be whoever you are too.
:'''White Diamond''': But I'm not supposed to be like this! I'm supposed to know better, I'm supposed to ''be'' better, I'm supposed to make ''everything'' better!
:'''Steven''': You can. But first, you're gonna have to leave your own head.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Padparadscha''': I predict our long journey through space will soon be over.
:'''Lars''': Welcome home, guys.
:'''Rhodonite''': We finally made it! Earth! No more running, no more hiding! No more Diamond Authority! ''[they notice the Diamonds, who have heard everything]'' Well, we're cracked.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sadie''': Lars... Look at you! You're... you're a space pirate!
:'''Lars''': Look at you! You're a rock star!
:'''Sadie''': ''[Laughs] Well... ''[Laughs]''
:''[They both laugh in unison]''
:'''Lars''': I think it suits us!
:'''Sadie''': Yeah. Me, too!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[singing]'' ♫ I don’t need you to respect me, I respect me. / I don’t need you to love me, I love me. / But I want you to know you could know me, / If you change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind, / If you change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind, / If you change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind, / Change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind. ♫

[[Category:Steven Universe seasons]]</text>
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]]
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{{italic title}}
The following is a list of quotes from the fifth season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''.

===''Stuck Together''===
:'''Aquamarine''': Say, Rose, how do I look?
:'''Steven''': Awful, small and mean!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Topaz''': What was I thinking?
:'''Aquamarine''': That's the problem with you fusions. Sooner or later, you will become ''sentimental.'' ''[the ship rumbles, coming to a stop and a notification pops up]'' We're here. Look, just… unfuse, and we'll never speak of this again.

===''The Trial''===
:'''Steven''': ''[speaking to himself]'' I know my mom did something really bad. Whatever Homeworld has in store for me… I'M READY!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prosecuting Zircon''': Defending a rebel? Isn't that… ''treason?'' ''[chuckles]''
:'''Defense Zircon''': I was ''assigned'' to this!
:''[Blue and Yellow Pearl warp in]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': All rise for the luminous Yellow Diamond! ''[poses]''
:'''Blue Pearl''': And the lustrous Blue Diamond. ''[bows]''
:''[Blue and Yellow Diamond warp in behind them, staring down at Steven]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[looking around]'' Where is the accused?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[looks down at Steven]'' Is that Rose Quartz? Look at this ''hideous'' she's taken. Forget the trial, we should shatter just for looking like that.
:'''Blue Diamond''': No. I want to hear her make her case. I want to know what she thinks we're going to do with her. Because  I want to do something ''worse''.
:''[Steven gulps nervously]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[warps in their throne chairs]'' Fine. Let's just get on with it, shall we?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I did it!
:'''Defense Zircon''': Wha… What, what?! Stop!
:'''Blue Diamond''': No! I want to hear what she has to say.
:''[Steven is elevated up to the Diamonds' height]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': State your name for the record, please.
:'''Steven''': I, um… I am Rose Quartz… and I'm guilty.
:'''Defense Zircon''': Wait! No, don't say that!
:'''Steven''': Everything you guys I did, I did. And I did it by myself. I'm sorry. I'll accept any punishment you want to give me. ''[points down to Lars]'' Just let him go! And leave the Earth alone.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Ha! Sounds like a solid confession to me.
:'''Blue Diamond''': How? How did you do it? How did you shatter Pink Diamond?
:'''Steven''': ''[nervously]'' Um, well…I did it on Earth in front of Pink Diamond's palanquin. I was probably like &quot;Stop!&quot; And she was all like, &quot;No!&quot; So we fought -- I think. And she probably did some cool moves. I probably did some cool stuff, too, some jump-kicks and stuff. But I was most likely deeply conflicted about deciding to shatter her. Definitely crying. I probably had to use the Breaking Point to do it.
:'''Blue Diamond''': It was a ''sword!'' ''[covers her eyes, crying and a blue light fills the room, making everyone except Lars tear up]'' You… shattered her… with a sword! ''[starts sobbing]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[walks up and comforts Blue]'' That's quite enough testimony from you! We shall take a short recess.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Defense Zircon''': What are you saying in there?! &quot;Maybe&quot; this, &quot;probably&quot; that! Oh, what do you mean, ''probably''?!
:'''Steven''': Look I just... I don't actually know how it happened, okay?
:'''Defense Zircon''': You don't ''know''?!
:'''Steven''': I...
:'''Defense Zircon''': ''[grabs Steven by the shirt collar and picks him up]'' Don't tumble my rocks! Both our gems are on the line! Did you do this or not?!
:'''Steven''': It was me, alright! ''[Defense Zircon let's go of his shirt and drops him]'' Rose Quartz did it, and I've got her gem, so I'm the one who's got to pay for this.
:'''Defense Zircon''': You don't know how it happened. ''[Steven shakes his head]'' I get it. There's a reason they want you to explain how you did it.
:'''Steven''': Huh?
:'''Defense Zircon''': It's because it doesn't make sense!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You think you can get away, Rose? You stood your ground on that little speck called Earth. But you're on ''our'' world now.

===''Off Colors''===
:'''Padparadscha''': Oh my gosh, something incredible is going to happen to Lars!

===''Lars' Head''===
:'''Steven''': But it doesn't feel right to just leave you here.
:'''Lars''': You said yourself that everyone on this planet is out to get you. You won't be safe until you're back on Earth.
:'''Steven''': But, Lars--
:'''Lars''': Don't argue with me! You're always trying to help me. You brought me back to life. Just let me be somebody who deserved it.

===''Dewey Wins''===

===''Gemcation''===

===''Raising the Barn''===

===''Back to the Kindergarten''===
:'''Peridot''': This used to make sense to me. I thought life was generated in a kindergarten. Formless, aimless energy channeled into new, useful gems. But life doesn't start in a kindergarten. It ends here. I've gotten used to plants everywhere. Bugs and breeze and sunshine...all of that has been sucked out of this place. 

===''Sadie Killer''===

===''Kevin Party''===

===''Lars of the Stars''===
:'''Emerald''': ''[on screen]'' It's over! I've got you now you miserable off-colors!
:'''Lars''': You'll ''never'' take us alive, Emerald!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lars''': You don't get it, do you, Steven? ''[starts tearing up and sniffles]'' It should be me. ''[starts crying]'' ''I'm'' the one that should be hanging out with the Cool Kids! She's getting back at me for everything I've done!
:'''Connie''': Do you really think Sadie is living her life ''just'' to get back at you?
:'''Lars''': Why else would she be having so much fun without me?!
:'''Steven''': Because life goes on, no matter what happens. She was so upset when she found out you'd be stuck in space, Lars. She really misses you, but, she can't stay sad forever. She started hanging out with the Cool Kids. She quit the Big Donut, all because she needed to do ''something'' to feel better.
:'''Connie''': And look at you! Steven said you'd be hiding in some cave on Homeworld, but you're not! You're out here fighting for freedom with all your new friends in tow! Are ''you'' doing any of this to hurt Sadie?
:'''Lars''': No! I'm doing this because I have to. ''[tears up]'' I'd never do this to hurt Sadie because-
:'''Steven''': Because!
:'''Connie''': Because!
:'''Both''': Because you're best friends!
:''[Lars watches them fuse into Stevonnie]''
:'''Stevonnie''': And best friends wouldn't do anything to hurt each other!

===''Jungle Moon''===
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[squealing in excitement]'' Whoa, cool! Yellow! ''[jumps up to her chair]'' Hey, Yellow.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Oh, you're still here.
:'''Stevonnie''': What are you doing?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm commanding the dropships to colonize this planet.
:'''Stevonnie''': I wanna command a dropship!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Well, when you have your ''own'' colony, you can command whatever you want.
:'''Stevonnie''': I want a colony! ''[Yellow Diamond presses buttons on the panel with four diamonds]'' I want one now! ''[screen unlocks revealing a dropship on the panel]'' What's this?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm contacting the leader of the fleet.
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[amazed]'' Let me do it! ''[starts pressing buttons on the screen but Yellow Diamond grabs her arm]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[angrily]'' DON'T TOUCH THAT!
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[irritated]'' Why ''not''? You have so many worlds and I don't even have ''one''! It's not fair! I want ONE! I want my own ''army''! I want my own ''planet''! I deserve it! I'm just as important as ''YOU''!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[angrily]'' Then why don't you act like it, Pink?!
:''[Stevonnie walks away, holding their arm, angry; approach a window and their fist clenches; Pink Diamond is seen through their reflection and the hand punches the glass smashing it; She suddenly wakes up from the dream, falling out of the hammock on the ground]''
:'''Stevonnie''': (''talking through Connie'') Whoa! ''[breathing hard]'' Steven, what was that? (''talking through Steven'') Diamonds. I'm having Diamond dreams again. But, why now? Why ''here''? ''[looks up and see a mural of Yellow Diamond]'' No way.

===''Your Mother and Mine''===
:'''Garnet''': Come on, everyone. Let me tell you the story of the ''real'' Rose Quartz. ''[Flashback story begins; narrating]'' It was Era 1. The Diamonds, unique in their flawlessness, sought to expand their perfection across the galaxy. And it was for this purpose that Pink Diamond chose her first colony-- the planet Earth. On Earth, every Gem was made to serve Pink Diamond, each with a role to play in her world's perfect empire. In comparison to their creator, their existence was ordinary. They were life-forms only meant to fit their mold, and no one had ever dared to think otherwise. Until, there was Rose Quartz. In stature, she was no different than any other Quartz. And for a time, she did her best to carry out her Diamond's bidding. However, she began to take notice of her strange colony and the life that existed there. Curiosity turned to appreciation. Appreciation turned to fondness. And fondness… turned to love. Soon she was unable to keep her findings secret, and she began asking her fellow Gems if they knew of the life on Earth and what they made of it. She continued to pry her fellow Kindergartners with questions ''so'' odd, that word of her eventually made its way to Pink Diamond. Rose Quartz was summoned at once.
:'''Pink Diamond''': Quartz, what have you been saying down there?
:'''Rose''': My Diamond, it has come to my attention that your colony, Earth, bears life. While I know these organic life-forms serve no purpose, I ask that we leave this planet and spare their lives.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Pink Diamond thought for a moment, and then laughed, a wicked, empty sound.
:'''Pink Diamond''': ''[laughing]'' You wish to save these life-forms at the expense of our own? Ha! Don't be absurd. Return to your post, and I will forget your insolence.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' And with that, Rose Quartz was dragged back to her kindergarten for duty. ''[A gem drags Rose away and she continues working]'' Only Rose could no longer stand to continue aiding in the destruction of Earth. She had no choice. She had to fight.
:'''Rose''': ''[stops working and jumps into the air, changing her uniform into a dress before destroying an injector, stands on the broken injector and speaks to the other Quartzes]'' Is this what you want -- to inject, to build?! I've seen the life that exists for itself, and it lives here! Will you destroy it, or will you join it?
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Rose's message began to resonate to Pink Diamond's dismay. Her colony was falling apart. So, like a coward, she called for her Diamond allies, Yellow and Blue, to help. But Rose also found herself with allies, other Gems that were cast out for being wrong-- a Pearl who belonged to no one… a Bismuth who built weapons for rebels instead of towers for tyrants… An entirely new fusion, for not power, but for love… And countless others, all inspired by Rose to live for ourselves on Earth. She was our leader. And Earth was our precious home. And those who fought to save it became known as…the Crystal Gems!
:'''Rhodonite''': Unbelievable!
:'''Rutile Twins''': There were Gems like us?
:'''Padparadscha''': Fighting.
:'''Fluorite''': For… their… freedom?
:'''Garnet''': Yes, and we were fearless! ''[Flashback resumes; narrating]'' It was an impossible fight, but we fought anyway. And the more Gems who saw us, the more who joined. But Pink Diamond's forces proved too strong. Rose feared that soon she would have nothing left to protect. Rose Quartz drew her rebel blade… and shattered Pink Diamond, saving the Earth for all time from her reign of terror.
:'''Rutile Twins''': Wow! That's incredible! I don't believe it!
:'''Lars''': ''[to Steven]'' Your mom did all that? That's awesome!
:'''Rhodonite''': Wait. What about the rest? What happened after that?
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The other Diamonds were furious. In a last-ditch attempt to wipe out the Rebellion, the Diamonds launched a direct attack against Earth. And in their fury, they used their powers to end the fighting once and for all.
:'''Padparadscha''': I predict this story won't have a happy ending.
:'''Rutile Twins''': We were all told different stories. But they all ended the same way.
:'''Fluorite''': With Rose Quartz… being… defeated.
:'''Rhodonite''': This new version of the story is even worse! So, she was great, and they beat her? What are we supposed to get out of this -- that we can never win?!
:'''Garnet''': We haven't yet, but we can, and we will. They said they annihilated Rose's rebellion, but here ''we'' are. They said they annihilated all of you on Homeworld, but here ''you'' are! They think they have us on the run, but they're the ones that are running from the truth. And the truth is we... are... everywhere!
:'''Rhodonite''': But how many more of us can there be?
:'''Steven''': Way more than you think! I was only on Homeworld for, like, an hour before I ran in to you guys. There must be Off Colors all over the place.
:'''Garnet''': Rose used to say there was something about Earth -- something that set Gems free. But it's not just Earth. Look at you. Love, freedom -- it's universal. You all prove it every moment you live as yourselves. You can show everyone.
:'''Fluorite''': We… can do that?
:'''Lars''': Not while we're floating out here like sitting ducks.

===''The Big Show''===

===''Pool Hopping''===
:'''Garnet''': I think I get it.
:'''Steven''': Hm?
:'''Garnet''': Why my future vision has been so off. I have to change the way I think about you. 
:'''Steven''': What?
:'''Garnet''': I've been looking into probable futures where you act like a child. I keep expecting you to run from responsibility and to turn to me for help, but you don't do that anymore. Those futures aren't probable at all. There's nothing wrong with this timeline or my future vision. I just need to factor in that you've grown up.

===''Letters to Lars''===

===''Can't Go Back''===
:'''Blue Diamond''': But this is what you wanted.
:'''Steven''': ''[wakes up and gasps; turns to see Lapis is nowhere to be seen]'' Lapis? ''[turns forward to the silhouettes of Blue, Yellow, and Pink Diamond]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': You begged us for a colony of your own, and now all you want to do is be rid of it. First there were too many organics. Then their cities were too difficult to dismantle, and -- and now these Crystal Gems. We're tired of your excuses, Pink. We're tired of your excuses, Pink.
:'''Steven''': The Diamonds.
:'''Blue Diamonds''': This Rose Quartz can't hurt you. You can't be swayed by a few unruly Gems. ''[Holds her hand up as Pink Diamond is about to say something]'' Enough! You must understand, you are a Diamond. Everyone on this planet is looking to you. You don't even have to do anything. Just smile and wave. Show everyone you're unfazed by this little uprising. Your Gems will fall into line, and these Crystal Gems will be no more. As long as you are there to rule, this colony will be completed.

===''A Single Pale Rose''===
:'''Steven''': It better not turn out that her phone was in her pocket...or she left it on the dresser or dropped it in the toilet. Seems about as likely as putting it away in your repressed war memories.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Steven returns from Pearl's gem after learning the truth about how Rose Quartz &quot;shattered&quot; Pink Diamond]''
:'''Steven''': I know.  
:'''Pearl''': ''[tearing up]'' I wanted to tell you for ''so'' long.
:'''Steven''': Mom was Pink Diamond.
:''[Garnet and Amethyst stand in shock behind Steven]''
:'''Amethyst''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAAAAAAAAAT?!?'''&lt;/big&gt;

===''Now We're Only Falling Apart''===
:'''Amethyst''': Let me get this straight. Rose Quartz, leader of the Crystal Gems, Steven's mom, was actually Pink Diamond?!
:'''Steven''': She faked her own shattering, and reformed to be Rose all the time.
:'''Pearl''': Pink Diamond's final command to me was that no one could know, but now that Steven does, I can finally tell you all everything!
:'''Amethyst''': Phew! I mean, a pink lion, a pink sword, and now Pink Diamond?! Huh, if you told me Rose invented cotton candy, I'd believe it. Right, Garnet? Uh, Garnet?
:'''Garnet''': ''[shaking and gets up]'' Rose. She... she... ''[struggles to stay stable and defuses into Ruby and Sapphire]''
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire...
:'''Sapphire''': ''[betrayed and heartbroken with fury]'' '''SHE LIED TO US!''' She lied about EVERYTHING! ''[freezes up the floor]'' She held our hands, looked us right in the eyes, and told us to never question who we are as Garnet. We never questioned ourselves, or her!
:'''Ruby''': We couldn't have known!
:'''Sapphire''': No, you couldn't have known. You never know what's going on. That's what I'm for!
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire...
:'''Sapphire''': But I never looked into her, I trusted her... I let her make fools of us all!
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire, wait!
:'''Steven''': Guys! ''[slips on the ice]''
:'''Ruby''': Please...We can just stay calm and talk about this, right? Let's just, talk.
:'''Sapphire''': Talk about what? How our relationship is based on a lie? What else is there to say? ''[warps to Rose's Fountain]''
:'''Pearl''': Ruby, I am so sorry...
:'''Steven''': Come on, Pearl. Help me explain everything to Sapphire.
:'''Pearl''': Right.
:'''Steven''': Sit tight, Ruby. We'll go and get Sapphire.
:'''Ruby''': Okay. ''[starts crying]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sapphire''': ''[grieving]'' Everything we were running from, she was right there all along…using us for her little war…smiling at us with those knowing eyes… Making me believe in a better future that I couldn't see, because it wasn't real. And now here we are, our friends, shattered, and corrupted…of course she was a Diamond. What a long road she took to torture us all like this.
:'''Steven''': It wasn't like that. You know she didn't want anyone to get hurt.
:'''Sapphire''': I don't know that! I clearly don't know anything.
:'''Pearl''': You deserve to know everything. I was given to Pink Diamond a few thousand years before she was given the Earth. I was supposed to make her happy, I just never could.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': Is everything alright, my Diamond? You seem troubled.
:'''Rose''': All this life that's been growing wild here on Earth…none of it will survive my invasion. We're not creating life from nothing. We're ''taking'' life, and leaving nothing behind.
:'''Pearl''': Forgive me, my Diamond. I shouldn't have brought you to such a place.
:'''Rose''': No. I needed to see this.
:''[scene shifts back to the fountain]''
:'''Steven''': So she ''did'' want to protect Earth. She didn't realize what the colony was doing to the planet.
:'''Sapphire''': So what?! She suddenly started to care about Earth? Why did she have to rope us into all this? Why couldn't she just stop the colonization herself?
:'''Pearl''': She ''tried''. When she told the other Diamonds she didn't want to go through with the colony, they told her to finish what she started. When she told the other Diamonds she wanted to preserve life on Earth, they created the zoo and threw a handful of humans in. She did everything she could as Pink Diamond. But her status meant nothing to Blue and Yellow. So she decided to make a stand, as someone they couldn't ignore. She was going to scare every Gem off the planet. But everything changed when she saw…your fusion.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': Before Garnet, Rose was only fighting for Earth. But Garnet changed everything. Rose wanted to fight for her, she wanted to fight for Gems! And maybe she was foolish, and maybe even...selfish, but she was-
:'''Sapphire''': Following us.
:'''Pearl''': What?
:'''Sapphire''': This whole time, we thought we were following her, but she was following ''us''. How could she not after you swept her off her feet?

===''What's your Problem''===

===''The Question''===

===''Made of Honor''===
:'''Steven''': So, my Dad will finish playing the music, and then next you'll do the &quot;I do&quot;s. And then I'll say… &quot;I now pronounce you Garnet.&quot; And then you fuse! Everyone will cheer!
:'''Sapphire''': Everyone… who survived.
:'''Ruby''': Huh?
:'''Sapphire''': Oh, it's just… There's so many old friends who won't be able to come. All the Crystal Gems who were corrupted and bubbled in the basement.
:'''Ruby''': Maybe we could bring the bubbles up here?
:'''Sapphire''': No, no. It's not safe. We can't risk them getting out.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bismuth''': Hey everyone. Did you guys &quot;Bismi-th&quot; me?
:''[Pearl, Sapphire, Ruby and Amethyst drop their sodas simultaneously]''
:'''Peridot''': Ha! I win! Also, less importantly, who are you?
:'''Steven''': I… invited Bismuth! I hope that's cool.
:'''Sapphire''': ''[slowly walks up to her]'' Bismuth. ''[hugs her]''
:'''Bismuth''': Whoa, Sapphire!
:'''Pearl and Ruby''': Bismuth! ''[tackle her to the floor, and begin nuzzling her]''
:'''Sapphire''': You wouldn't believe what we've all been through. I'm so sorry! We should've-
:'''Bismuth''': Look, I'm right there with you, Steven filled me in.
:'''Peridot''': So, is anyone going to introduce me?
:'''Amethyst''': Let's give 'em some space.

===''Reunited''===
:'''Steven''': Dearly beloved Gems, humans, lions big and small, living gourds, Onion, we are gathered here today to celebrate Ruby and Sapphire, two of my favorite people, who combine into one of my other favorite people! You all probably know her as Garnet. She's their love, given form. Now it's your turn to talk about that.
:'''Ruby''': I know this is all kind of silly, I mean, we've been together for 5,750 years.
:'''Sapphire''': And 8 months.
:'''Ruby''': I used to feel like I wasn't much good, just one of me on my own. But when we're together, it feels like it's okay to just be me. So I wanna be me, with you, an-and, not even the Diamonds will come between us. And if they try, we'll beat em up!
:'''Sapphire''': Ruby, my future used to look like one single, obvious stream, unbending 'til the end of time. In an instant, you pulled me from that destiny and opened my eye to an explosion of infinite possible futures, streaking across space and time, altered and obliterated by the smallest force of will. ''[beat]'' What I mean is, you changed my life. And then, I changed your life. And now, we changed our lives.
:'''Steven''': Bismuth, the rings.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[gently bumps Bismuth]'' Hey Bismuth, that's your cue.
:''[Bismuth, touched and crying by the vows, approaches them with the rings]''
:'''Steven''': Ruby, do you take this Gem to have and to hold, on this and every other planet in the universe!?
:'''Ruby''': I DO!
:'''Steven''': And Sapphire, do you-
:'''Sapphire''': Yes.
:'''Steven''': ''[whispering]'' You didn't let me finish.
:'''Sapphire''': I'm just very excited.
:'''Steven''': Then by the power vested in me by the state of Delmarva, I now pronounce you… Garnet!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': What a wonderful idea. Humans found a way to make a moment's decision last forever. I won't need future vision to know I'll always remember this.
:'''Steven''': I'm so glad. ''[starts tearing up]''
:'''Garnet''': Oh no. I'm sorry. Don't cry.
:'''Steven''': ''[wipes off the tears]'' I guess seeing everyone together got me really choked up. ''[bigger tears begin flowing out of his eyes]'' Wait a second. You don't think…?
:'''Garnet''': ''[takes off her visor, opening her third eye]'' Blue Diamond!
:'''Steven''': She's here?!
:'''Garnet''': And she's not alone.
:''[The sky darkens quickly and everyone looks up to the sky, seeing Blue and Yellow Diamond's ships approaching]''
:'''Steven''': Oh, no. It's the Diamonds! ''[runs up to Nanefua]'' Nanefua, get on your Nane-phone! We've got a code blue ''and'' a code yellow!
:'''Garnet''': This is it.
:''[As the Diamond ships approach the beach, they fly overhead them]''
:'''Peridot''': WE'RE OVER HERE, YOU CLODS!
:'''Pearl''': Wha- where are they going?!
:'''Steven''': If they're not here for us, they must be here for the Cluster!
:'''Bismuth''': What's the Cluster?
:'''Steven''': It's a huge earth-destroying geo-weapon that the Diamonds made out of a bajillion gem shards!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': You cannot fathom how much I've mourned, what thousands of years of grief has done to me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': I know this sword. This is the sword that '''SHATTERED HER!''' ''[shatters the sword as Steven gasps, which made Connie fall down only to be caught by Lion]'' You deserve this-- ''all'' of you!
:'''Steven''': Stop, please!
:'''Amethyst''': Steven…
:'''Pearl''': What do we do?
:'''Steven''': I don't know. She won't listen, she just wants to fight!
:'''Garnet''': Blue Diamond!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Who are you supposed to be?
:'''Garnet''': I am the will of two Gems to care for each other, to protect each other from any threat, no matter how vast or how cruel. You couldn't stop me 5,750 years ago, and you can't stop me now!
:'''Blue Diamond''': It's you, that Ruby and Sapphire that disrupted my court.
:'''Garnet''': This is supposed to be MY day!
:'''Blue Diamond''': You hope to defeat me by clinging to my feet?
:'''Garnet''': I just needed to keep you from taking three steps to the right.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': With all our strength together, we can take her down!
:'''Steven''': That's right! This is our home, our planet, our friends and family! We are the Crystal Gems!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Pathetic! You are &lt;big&gt;'''NOTHING!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Ha! I told her off, once. I can do it again. ''[jumps off Bismuth's hands and runs up to Yellow Diamond]'' Hey! Yellow Clod! '''''REMEMBER ME?!'''''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': No. ''[zaps and poofs Peridot to her gemstone]''
:'''Steven''': Stop! ''[jumps off Garnet's hands and runs up to the Diamonds]'' Don't do this! Listen to me, ''I'm'' the one you're missing! I'm Pink Diamond!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[shocked and angry]'' You! ''[charges towards Steven as he summons his shield]''
:'''Garnet''': Steven!
:''[Yellow Diamond stomps her foot on Steven in fury, knocking him out unconsciously]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lapis Lazuli''': What else have you got?! I've only just begun to fight! ''[gets zapped and poofed to her gemstone by Yellow Diamond]''
:'''Steven''': ''[shocked gasp]'' Lapis!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''How miserable. I knew Pink couldn't handle her own colony. But, I gave in. And now, I'm to blame for her fate.''
:'''Steven''': Ah, her thoughts are too strong!
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''What good will any of this do? The more I make these Gems suffer, the more I long to see you again, Pink.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': This feeling, I know it!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': It must be a trick! Show yourself, foe!
:'''Steven''': I'm not your foe. Please, just listen to me!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': There!
:'''Steven''': ''Please, the fighting has to stop. We aren't enemies. We're family. Please listen to me. I need you to know who I am!!!''
:'''Blue Diamond''': Impossible.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': This aura...
:'''Blue Diamond''': It's you! Pink!

===''Legs From Here to Homeworld''===
:'''Garnet''': We can't just hand Steven over to Blue Diamond, she's a shatterer!
:'''Bismuth''': She's not gonna hurt him, look at her. She really thinks he's one of them.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[sobbing loudly]'' Somebody make Blue Diamond stop!
:'''Connie''': Are you guys okay?
:'''Pearl''': It's just… ''[sniffles]'' Blue Diamond's power. She's obviously relieved that Pink Diamond wasn't shattered after all.
:''[Yellow Diamond tries to reactive her ship and Blue Diamond's, but are too damaged]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmm. How could you do this to us, Pink? Why did you let us think you were shattered? Why the strange disguise? Why are you doing a voice? Why didn't you say something at the trial?! And Blue, could you please stop crying? I can't see. ''[wipes her tears, splashing the Gems]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': Sorry. ''[sets Steven down]''
:'''Steven''': My mom kept it secret from everyone.
:'''Pearl''': Ahem.
:'''Steven''': Almost everyone.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What are you talking about?
:'''Steven''': Well, apparently, Mom… Oh, geez. You don't know what a mom is. Okay, Pink Diamond took the form of Rose Quartz permanently after faking her shattering. Then, Rose Quartz gave up ''that'' form to create a new life with my dad-- me. Rose passed her gemstone and some of her powers onto me, but that's all. I-I don't have any of Pink ''or'' Rose's memories. I'm sorry.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmm. I'm sure your memories are in there somewhere, Pink.
:'''Steven''': Actually, I go by &quot;Steven.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': We can only do so much, if it was the ''four'' of us.
:'''Blue Diamond''': Oh, no. We can't let ''her'' see this!
:'''Steven''': Who? Who do we need?!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What do you mean, &quot;who?&quot; White.
:'''Pearl''': ''[shocked]'' White Diamond?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While traveling to Homeworld]''
:'''Steven''': Should I have brought a gift for White Diamond? We ''are'' dropping in unexpectedly, and… I want to make a good first impression. Her help will mean everything for the Corrupted Gems.
:'''Pearl''': Steven...
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmph. &quot;Good impression&quot;? We'll be lucky if she ever ''speaks'' to us again after this.
:'''Steven''': But...
:'''Blue Diamond''': The thing is, White... can be... ''difficult''.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': When we show up in this ship, it will be irrefutable that the last 6,000 years are now the biggest galactic embarrassment that's ever happened. And ''we're'' the ones to blame. (''to Steven'') If you don't want to be in a bubble for the next few millennia, I suggest you let ''me'' do the talking.

===''Familiar''===
:'''Steven''': Pearl!
:'''Pearl''': Steven! ''[runs over to Steven and hugs him]'' Oh, thank the stars! You're okay! What did White Diamond do? Did she hurt you?
:'''Steven''': No, she was like, &quot;Welcome home.&quot; I don't think she understands that I'm not Pink Diamond. Where's Connie? And Garnet and Amethyst?
:'''Pearl''': They're still on the ship. ''[summons a hot dog bag]'' I'm only here because I'm bringing your things. And they consider me one of your things.
:'''Steven''': Yeesh.
:''[Diamond chime plays]''
:'''Pearl''': The Diamond chime -- it's Yellow.
:''[The door opens, revealing Yellow Pearl standing right there]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Diamond, my Diamond has requested your presence in the extraction chamber.
:'''Pearl''': Let's get you into a suit. ''[opens the bag]''
:''[Steven, wearing his yellow swimsuit, Pearl, and Yellow Pearl walk through a yellow hallway]''
:'''Steven''': Swim trunks don't seem very formal.
:'''Pearl''': Trust me, this will be more comfortable than jeans.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Diamond.
:'''Steven''': Please, call me Steven.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Steven.
:'''Steven''': No, just Steven.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Just Steven.
:'''Steven''': Call me... Lasagna.
:'''Pearl''': Steven, stop. You're going to break her. ''[opens the extraction chamber door]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Have a nice extraction, Pink Lasagna.
:''[Steven walks into the extraction chamber sauna]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Pink.
:'''Steven''': Hi, Yellow. Cool sauna.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': It's new. Have a seat. ''[Steven uses his floating powers to jump up and takes a seat]'' So, you met with White. How was it?
:'''Steven''': All I got to say was, &quot;Hi,&quot; and, &quot;um,&quot; and, &quot;I.&quot;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Two and a half words -- that's a record.
:'''Steven''': Two and a half words isn't enough. I still need to talk to White about healing all the corrupted Gems!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmm. Good luck. White never leaves her own head these days, and she never lets anyone in -- except you, I guess. It's so unfair. I have hundreds of successful crystal system colonies, but you get to see her because your one colony is a failure!
:'''Steven''': Maybe you should just… ''fail?''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[looks momentarily shocked, then starts laughing]'' Oh, Pink, you always did have quite a knack for making me laugh. You're almost worth the trouble.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Pearl''': ''[showing up]'' Pink Diamond, my Diamond was requested your presence.
:''[Steven, Pearl, and Blue Pearl walk down a blue hallway]''
:'''Steven''': We barely talked about White at all. She had to rush to do a report, and I couldn't go with her. I get they're, like, busy, 'cause they're dictators and everything, but I need more time! ''[gasps and face-palms]'' I should have asked her what she was doing after the Citron thing!
:'''Pearl''': She'll be at that for a while. Yellow Diamond oversees all aspects of Gem production on every single one of her colonies. And when she's not doing that, she's off with her army, conquering the next one.
:'''Steven''': What about their days off, weekends?
:'''Blue Pearl''': My Diamond is awaiting our arrival.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Pearl''': ''[turns to Pearl]'' Welcome back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': You're here! Come in.
:'''Steven''': Okay! ''[runs and jumps into the pool, laughing]'' Whoo-hoo! (''laughing'') It's funny! I -- I live right next to the ocean, but I end up going to space to swim.
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[laughs, causing the pool to shake a bit]'' You haven't changed. So silly. So small.
:'''Steven''': I'm not done growing. I'm not sure I can catch up to you and Yellow, though.
:'''Blue Diamond''': I'm so glad you're back... Steven.
:'''Steven''': Y-You actually said my name!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Steven. Steee-von? (''chuckles'') It's such a funny sounding name. You're so creative, Pink.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': (''sighs'') This is so weird. Was this some sort of spa day or something? And what about Pink? Did she have a job here, or did she just sit in a room while they were off doing whatever?
:'''Pearl''': Before her colony, Pink used to throw massive balls.
:'''Steven''': ''[surprised]'' She was a juggler?!
:'''Pearl''': No -- Well, yes. But she would also throw parties for the other Diamonds to mark their many accomplishments. Every member of every court would show up to bask in the presence of all four Diamonds.
:'''Steven''': Even White would come?
:'''Pearl''': Oh, yes! Huh. I wonder what's even become of Pink's court.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ♫ Oh, I'll get them all together in one place / And once we're all together face-to-face / I'll show them all the error of their ways / And stop their spread of terror across space! ♫

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I figured it out! Remember back when I was little and maybe kind of annoying, and I couldn't come along on adventures? You guys would still drop everything to hang out with me! That's Pink Diamond! I know I can do this! Just watch -- I'm gonna throw a huge ball, and I'm gonna invite everyone!

===''Together Alone''===
:'''Pearl''': The Pebbles have been working all night. What do you think?
:'''Steven''': It almost feels like home.
:'''Garnet''': Almost.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': A ball? We haven't had a ball in 6,000 years.
:'''Blue Diamond''': We haven't had Pink in 6,000 years!
:'''Steven''': Yeah! When White Diamond shows up we can tell her why we need her help on Earth!
:'''Blue Diamond''': And, this can also mark the beginning of Era 3.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You're right, it's brilliant.
:'''Steven''': Thank you, Yellow! Thank you, Blue!
:'''Blue Diamond''': If White is going to be there everything has to be perfect! Pink, can you manage this on your own? Our Pearls can help you get started.
:'''Blue Pearl''': At your service, Pink Diamond.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Make sure you go through all of our customs with Pink, since she has so much trouble recalling her past here on Homeworld.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Yes, My Diamond.
:'''Pearl''': Era 3! Steven, you're already changing the world!
:'''Steven''': Yeah! Come on, party Pearls!
:'''Yellow and Blue Pearl''': We are at your command, Pink Diamond.
:'''Steven''': Just call me Steven.
:'''Yellow and Blue Pearl''': Whatever you command, Pink Diamond.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': Balloons everywhere! Confetti cannons too!
:'''Amethyst''': Dibs on being the confetti cannon!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Cannons are ''forbidden'' inside palace walls. These &quot;balloons&quot; you're referring to, are unprecedented and therefore out of the question.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Diamond! Your subjects will do the dancing for you! Why would a Diamond want to dance?
:'''Steven''': Because dancing's fun!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': What is &quot;fun&quot;?
:'''Connie''': You know, it's when you do something you wanna do, just because it feels good.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': I don't think we do that here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': The Sapphire will need to enter with the other Sapphires of course, and the Ruby will need to enter with the guard.
:'''Steven''': Woah, woah, woah. Are you talking about Garnet?
:'''Blue Diamond''': Garnet? Does &quot;that&quot; call herself a Garnet? What would you have her do? Enter with the Demantoids, the Hessonites, the Pyropes? Pink, I'm being very generous, but you can't expect me to-
:'''Garnet''': I won't go.
:'''Steven''': Garnet?
:'''Blue Diamond''': At least the Sapphire in there has some sense.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Everyone, behold! The daunting, beauty and elegance that is, Yellow Diamond!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Not a bad turnout, Pink.
:'''Steven''': I appreciate your attendance, Yellow.
:'''Blue Pearl''': Ahem, everyone prepare yourselves emotionally for the overpowering elegance that is, Blue Diamond.
:'''Blue Diamond''': You're doing great.
:'''Steven''': Thank you, Blue.
:'''White Pearl''': To those in attendance of the Era 3 ball, White Diamond... has more important things to attend to.
:'''Steven''': WHAT?!
:'''White Pearl''': Therefore, I will be here to observe in her place. Welcome to Era 3.
:'''Steven''': Gra!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': (''through gritted teeth'') Pink, what are you doing?!
:'''Stevonnie''': I was just dancing! (''sees they have fused and everybody else looks in shock'')
:'''Blue Diamond''': Pink, this is completely unacceptable! Unfuse or I'll make you!
:''[Ruby and Sapphire fuse and become Garnet]''
:'''Garnet''': You'll have to go through me!
:'''Pearl''': (''gasp'') And me! (''Runs over to Amethyst and fuses into Opal'')
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah!
:''[two jades quickly fuse as well]''
:'''Lemon Jade''': And me! ''[Opal and Stevonnie look at Garnet, and she shrugs]'' I knew it! I knew I couldn't be the only one!
:''[Yellow Diamond strikes the Jade Fusion, Opal, and Garnet with her lightning powers, causing them all to poof]''
:'''Stevonnie''': Opal! Garnet!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Pink, you've gone too far even for you. ''[picks up Stevonnie and throws them into a dark room]'' Stay in here and think about what you've done!
:'''Stevonnie''': No, wait!
:''[Yellow Diamond closes the door, ends the episode]''

===''Escapism''===
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[singing]'' ♫ I guess I have to face, that in this awful place, I shouldn't show a trace... of doubt. / But pulled against the grain, I feel a little pain, that I would rather do... without. / I'd rather be free-ee-ee, free-ee-ee, free... / I'd rather be free-ee-ee, free-ee-ee, free... / Free-ee-ee, free-ee-ee, free... / from here. ♫

===''Change Your Mind''===
:'''Steven''': ''[wakes up and looks up at the prison tower window]'' Oh, right -- prison.
:''[Blue Diamond enters]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': I cannot believe you! Making a scene like that.
:''' Steven''': We weren't trying to make a scene! We were just... ''[turns to see that Connie is not present]'' dancing?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': I cannot believe you -- making a scene like that!
:'''Steven''': Whoa -- dejá blue.
:'''Connie''': We didn't mean any harm! I asked Steven to dance; he wasn't trying to cause trouble!
:'''Blue Diamond''': What do you know about this, human?
:'''Connie''': ''[chuckles]'' You think I've never been grounded before?
:'''Blue Diamond''': &quot;Grounded?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': This isn't normal. How many times did you lock her in here? How many times did you make her cry?!
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[defensive]'' I didn't, I... and I'm doing it again... aren't I?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What... are you doing?
:'''Steven''': I'm taking back my friends!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[closes her eyes as she looks up from Steven to readdress Blue; annoyed]'' What are you doing, Blue? Take Pink back to the tower.
:'''Blue Diamond''': She prefers to be called &quot;Steven.&quot;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[slams her hand so forcefully against her throne that it cracks, stands up and assumes an angered stance]'' What are you talking about?! You can't keep bending the rules for her, Blue! She has to set an example, and ''we'' have to set an example! If we bend the rules for her, we have to bend them for everyone!
:'''Connie''': Well, maybe you should!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Take them back to the tower, now!
:'''Blue Diamond''': I won't.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Then I'll do it myself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': When we thought Pink was shattered, when she abandoned us, I alone was there for you, and you would use your power against &lt;big&gt;'''ME?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You'd hurt a fellow Diamond?!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Didn't we hurt Pink?! She was suffering in silence for ages -- just like our Gems -- just like me! And I know ''you're'' suffering in silence, too!
:''[Yellow Diamond claps her fist and uses her lightning power on Blue, causing her to begin to destabilize and scream]''
:'''Steven''': Stop! ''[pulls out his shield and chucks it towards Yellow Diamond's hand, disrupting her concentration]'' You don't have to do this!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Yes, I do! This is what White Diamond expects of all of us. From a thin flake of mica to the deepest, hardest stone, we all must make sacrifices for the sake of our perfect empire.
:'''Steven''': Does ''this'' look perfect to you?! My dad says if every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn't have hot dogs.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': And that means... what?
:'''Steven''': It means if you try and make this empire perfect -- if you just wipe away everything you see as flawed -- you lose all the things that make you happy -- like hot dogs.
:'''Blue Diamond''': Or our Pink.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Uhh... ''[falls to the ground on her knees in an uncharacteristic emotional breakdown]'' Stop. Stop it, Blue. Stop using your power on me...!
:'''Blue Diamond''': I'm not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': Hey, White, I know I was in there with you for a second, but I barely got to talk to you at all. There are so many Gems that are hurting right now. Even Blue and Yellow are hurting. You should hear what they have to say. ''[to Blue and Yellow; whispers]'' This is it.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[struggling]'' We... W-we... We need to talk! About us. I've conquered so many worlds for the sake of the empire. I do everything you ask, and I do it all perfectly. But your very high standards put us all under a ''lot'' of pressure. A Gem could crack under so much pressure. We Diamonds may be hard, but we're also brittle.
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[steps forward]'' White, we used to be close. Don't you remember? When Pink would make us laugh -- all those silly things she did for no reason. There was a reason. She wanted us to be happy together. But we weren't, and we're still not. I know my purpose isn't to be happy, but I find it harder and harder to enforce your rules when they make me miserable. When they make us all miserable.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rainbow Quartz 2.0''': Well, what do you know? It's Rainbow 2.0! Now, this is a fine mess we're in. (''gasps'') That won't do. (''blows raspberry'') Rainbow Quartz powers, activate! Ah, yes. Now that's two stones, with one bird.
:''[Steven and new reformed Pearl unfuse]''
:'''Amethyst''': Wow! Nice form, Pearl.
:'''Pearl''': Oh, ''[chuckles]'' thank you. I'm particularly excited about the jacket. Aah! Steven! We fused!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sunstone''': Awwwwwwwwwww yeah! You better step off! Chillax, my dudes. Your rockin' pal Sunstone is holdin' it down.
:'''Pearl''': Wow!
:'''Amethyst''': Holy...
:'''Connie''': All right!
:'''Peridot''': Unbelievable!
:'''Sunstone''': Oh, you better believe it.
:'''Peridot''': Okay!
:'''Connie''': Sunstone, what are we gonna do? White Diamond's never going to listen, and she's never going to let us leave.
:'''Sunstone''': If she won't listen, we'll ''make'' her listen.
:'''Amethyst''': And ''how'' are we gonna do that?
:'''Sunstone''': I know she's in there. We'll bust into her head and change her mind.
:'''Everyone''': Right!
:'''Sunstone''': Let's take that bully down! ''[to the viewers]'' But remember kids: if you ever have to deal with a bully, be sure to tell an adult. ''[yanks Pearl and Amethyst onto their shoulders and sprints towards the giant pink foot of the ship]'' Ally-oop! ''[summons her suction cups]'' Kids, don't try this at home. Ha! Bungacowa!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': We need to be bigger.
:'''Steven''': Then let's fuse. All four of us. It's the only way we're gonna get up to her head.
:'''Amethyst''': I'm in!
:'''Pearl''': I'm in, too.
:'''Garnet''': Then it's decided. It's time to form Obsidian.
:''[Connie, Bismuth, Peridot, and Lapis back away to give some space for Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, and Steven to perform their fusion dance; Obsidian is formed by letting out a big loud cry for battle]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[amazed]'' They're HU-U-U-U-GE!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': You're wrong! I'm not my mom!
:'''White Diamond''': But don't you know things about her that you couldn't possibly know?
:'''Steven''': I-I've just been connecting with her. My powers, they-they help me to connect to others. I'm not her. I'm just feeling her feelings.
:'''White Diamond''': Isn't it obvious? Even though you've embedded yourself in that human child, your light can't help shining through!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connie''': Don't listen to her Steven! She's just trying to mess with you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''White Diamond''': What is this?! Where is Pink?
:'''Pink Steven''': She's gone.
:'''White Diamond''': What did you say? Answer me!
:'''Pink Steven''': ''[shouting]'' She's &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''GO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-NE!!!!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''White Diamond''': Agh! Don't you raise your shield at me! I only want you to be yourself! If you can't do that, I'll do it &lt;big&gt;FOR YOU!!!&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connie''': Steven! ''[rushes to Steven and hugs him]'' Are you back together? Are you you?
:'''Steven''': Yeah. Yeah! I’m me! I’ve always been me.
:'''White Diamond''': ''NO!'' You are Pink Diamond! That is Pink Diamond's gem! You do not look like this! You do not sound like this! You are not half-human! You're just... acting like a child!
:'''Steven''': I ''am'' a child. What's your excuse?
:'''White Diamond''': ''[starts blushing, and notices the Gems under her control doing the same]'' What's happening? What is this? What's wrong with them? They're turning... pink! I don't understand, I'm in control, I-- ''[gasps]'' Something's wrong! With ME! No!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''White Diamond''': What is this? I feel... ridiculous. Yellow, Blue...
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[gasps]'' She's off-color...
:'''White Diamond''': This can't be happening. I can't have a flaw, I'm supposed to be flawless! If I'm not perfect then... who am I? If you're not Pink, then... who are you? Who is ''anyone?''
:'''Steven''': You know, if you just let everyone be whoever they are, maybe you could let yourself be whoever you are too.
:'''White Diamond''': But I'm not supposed to be like this! I'm supposed to know better, I'm supposed to ''be'' better, I'm supposed to make ''everything'' better!
:'''Steven''': You can. But first, you're gonna have to leave your own head.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Padparadscha''': I predict our long journey through space will soon be over.
:'''Lars''': Welcome home, guys.
:'''Rhodonite''': We finally made it! Earth! No more running, no more hiding! No more Diamond Authority! ''[they notice the Diamonds, who have heard everything]'' Well, we're cracked.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sadie''': Lars... Look at you! You're... you're a space pirate!
:'''Lars''': Look at you! You're a rock star!
:'''Sadie''': ''[Laughs] Well... ''[Laughs]''
:''[They both laugh in unison]''
:'''Lars''': I think it suits us!
:'''Sadie''': Yeah. Me, too!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[singing]'' ♫ I don’t need you to respect me, I respect me. / I don’t need you to love me, I love me. / But I want you to know you could know me, / If you change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind, / If you change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind, / If you change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind, / Change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind. ♫

[[Category:Steven Universe seasons]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3147947</id>
      <parentid>3147945</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T00:48:44Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
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      <comment>/* Legs From Here to Homeworld */</comment>
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]]
----
{{italic title}}
The following is a list of quotes from the fifth season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''.

===''Stuck Together''===
:'''Aquamarine''': Say, Rose, how do I look?
:'''Steven''': Awful, small and mean!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Topaz''': What was I thinking?
:'''Aquamarine''': That's the problem with you fusions. Sooner or later, you will become ''sentimental.'' ''[the ship rumbles, coming to a stop and a notification pops up]'' We're here. Look, just… unfuse, and we'll never speak of this again.

===''The Trial''===
:'''Steven''': ''[speaking to himself]'' I know my mom did something really bad. Whatever Homeworld has in store for me… I'M READY!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prosecuting Zircon''': Defending a rebel? Isn't that… ''treason?'' ''[chuckles]''
:'''Defense Zircon''': I was ''assigned'' to this!
:''[Blue and Yellow Pearl warp in]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': All rise for the luminous Yellow Diamond! ''[poses]''
:'''Blue Pearl''': And the lustrous Blue Diamond. ''[bows]''
:''[Blue and Yellow Diamond warp in behind them, staring down at Steven]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[looking around]'' Where is the accused?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[looks down at Steven]'' Is that Rose Quartz? Look at this ''hideous'' she's taken. Forget the trial, we should shatter just for looking like that.
:'''Blue Diamond''': No. I want to hear her make her case. I want to know what she thinks we're going to do with her. Because  I want to do something ''worse''.
:''[Steven gulps nervously]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[warps in their throne chairs]'' Fine. Let's just get on with it, shall we?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I did it!
:'''Defense Zircon''': Wha… What, what?! Stop!
:'''Blue Diamond''': No! I want to hear what she has to say.
:''[Steven is elevated up to the Diamonds' height]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': State your name for the record, please.
:'''Steven''': I, um… I am Rose Quartz… and I'm guilty.
:'''Defense Zircon''': Wait! No, don't say that!
:'''Steven''': Everything you guys I did, I did. And I did it by myself. I'm sorry. I'll accept any punishment you want to give me. ''[points down to Lars]'' Just let him go! And leave the Earth alone.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Ha! Sounds like a solid confession to me.
:'''Blue Diamond''': How? How did you do it? How did you shatter Pink Diamond?
:'''Steven''': ''[nervously]'' Um, well…I did it on Earth in front of Pink Diamond's palanquin. I was probably like &quot;Stop!&quot; And she was all like, &quot;No!&quot; So we fought -- I think. And she probably did some cool moves. I probably did some cool stuff, too, some jump-kicks and stuff. But I was most likely deeply conflicted about deciding to shatter her. Definitely crying. I probably had to use the Breaking Point to do it.
:'''Blue Diamond''': It was a ''sword!'' ''[covers her eyes, crying and a blue light fills the room, making everyone except Lars tear up]'' You… shattered her… with a sword! ''[starts sobbing]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[walks up and comforts Blue]'' That's quite enough testimony from you! We shall take a short recess.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Defense Zircon''': What are you saying in there?! &quot;Maybe&quot; this, &quot;probably&quot; that! Oh, what do you mean, ''probably''?!
:'''Steven''': Look I just... I don't actually know how it happened, okay?
:'''Defense Zircon''': You don't ''know''?!
:'''Steven''': I...
:'''Defense Zircon''': ''[grabs Steven by the shirt collar and picks him up]'' Don't tumble my rocks! Both our gems are on the line! Did you do this or not?!
:'''Steven''': It was me, alright! ''[Defense Zircon let's go of his shirt and drops him]'' Rose Quartz did it, and I've got her gem, so I'm the one who's got to pay for this.
:'''Defense Zircon''': You don't know how it happened. ''[Steven shakes his head]'' I get it. There's a reason they want you to explain how you did it.
:'''Steven''': Huh?
:'''Defense Zircon''': It's because it doesn't make sense!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You think you can get away, Rose? You stood your ground on that little speck called Earth. But you're on ''our'' world now.

===''Off Colors''===
:'''Padparadscha''': Oh my gosh, something incredible is going to happen to Lars!

===''Lars' Head''===
:'''Steven''': But it doesn't feel right to just leave you here.
:'''Lars''': You said yourself that everyone on this planet is out to get you. You won't be safe until you're back on Earth.
:'''Steven''': But, Lars--
:'''Lars''': Don't argue with me! You're always trying to help me. You brought me back to life. Just let me be somebody who deserved it.

===''Dewey Wins''===

===''Gemcation''===

===''Raising the Barn''===

===''Back to the Kindergarten''===
:'''Peridot''': This used to make sense to me. I thought life was generated in a kindergarten. Formless, aimless energy channeled into new, useful gems. But life doesn't start in a kindergarten. It ends here. I've gotten used to plants everywhere. Bugs and breeze and sunshine...all of that has been sucked out of this place. 

===''Sadie Killer''===

===''Kevin Party''===

===''Lars of the Stars''===
:'''Emerald''': ''[on screen]'' It's over! I've got you now you miserable off-colors!
:'''Lars''': You'll ''never'' take us alive, Emerald!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lars''': You don't get it, do you, Steven? ''[starts tearing up and sniffles]'' It should be me. ''[starts crying]'' ''I'm'' the one that should be hanging out with the Cool Kids! She's getting back at me for everything I've done!
:'''Connie''': Do you really think Sadie is living her life ''just'' to get back at you?
:'''Lars''': Why else would she be having so much fun without me?!
:'''Steven''': Because life goes on, no matter what happens. She was so upset when she found out you'd be stuck in space, Lars. She really misses you, but, she can't stay sad forever. She started hanging out with the Cool Kids. She quit the Big Donut, all because she needed to do ''something'' to feel better.
:'''Connie''': And look at you! Steven said you'd be hiding in some cave on Homeworld, but you're not! You're out here fighting for freedom with all your new friends in tow! Are ''you'' doing any of this to hurt Sadie?
:'''Lars''': No! I'm doing this because I have to. ''[tears up]'' I'd never do this to hurt Sadie because-
:'''Steven''': Because!
:'''Connie''': Because!
:'''Both''': Because you're best friends!
:''[Lars watches them fuse into Stevonnie]''
:'''Stevonnie''': And best friends wouldn't do anything to hurt each other!

===''Jungle Moon''===
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[squealing in excitement]'' Whoa, cool! Yellow! ''[jumps up to her chair]'' Hey, Yellow.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Oh, you're still here.
:'''Stevonnie''': What are you doing?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm commanding the dropships to colonize this planet.
:'''Stevonnie''': I wanna command a dropship!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Well, when you have your ''own'' colony, you can command whatever you want.
:'''Stevonnie''': I want a colony! ''[Yellow Diamond presses buttons on the panel with four diamonds]'' I want one now! ''[screen unlocks revealing a dropship on the panel]'' What's this?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm contacting the leader of the fleet.
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[amazed]'' Let me do it! ''[starts pressing buttons on the screen but Yellow Diamond grabs her arm]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[angrily]'' DON'T TOUCH THAT!
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[irritated]'' Why ''not''? You have so many worlds and I don't even have ''one''! It's not fair! I want ONE! I want my own ''army''! I want my own ''planet''! I deserve it! I'm just as important as ''YOU''!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[angrily]'' Then why don't you act like it, Pink?!
:''[Stevonnie walks away, holding their arm, angry; approach a window and their fist clenches; Pink Diamond is seen through their reflection and the hand punches the glass smashing it; She suddenly wakes up from the dream, falling out of the hammock on the ground]''
:'''Stevonnie''': (''talking through Connie'') Whoa! ''[breathing hard]'' Steven, what was that? (''talking through Steven'') Diamonds. I'm having Diamond dreams again. But, why now? Why ''here''? ''[looks up and see a mural of Yellow Diamond]'' No way.

===''Your Mother and Mine''===
:'''Garnet''': Come on, everyone. Let me tell you the story of the ''real'' Rose Quartz. ''[Flashback story begins; narrating]'' It was Era 1. The Diamonds, unique in their flawlessness, sought to expand their perfection across the galaxy. And it was for this purpose that Pink Diamond chose her first colony-- the planet Earth. On Earth, every Gem was made to serve Pink Diamond, each with a role to play in her world's perfect empire. In comparison to their creator, their existence was ordinary. They were life-forms only meant to fit their mold, and no one had ever dared to think otherwise. Until, there was Rose Quartz. In stature, she was no different than any other Quartz. And for a time, she did her best to carry out her Diamond's bidding. However, she began to take notice of her strange colony and the life that existed there. Curiosity turned to appreciation. Appreciation turned to fondness. And fondness… turned to love. Soon she was unable to keep her findings secret, and she began asking her fellow Gems if they knew of the life on Earth and what they made of it. She continued to pry her fellow Kindergartners with questions ''so'' odd, that word of her eventually made its way to Pink Diamond. Rose Quartz was summoned at once.
:'''Pink Diamond''': Quartz, what have you been saying down there?
:'''Rose''': My Diamond, it has come to my attention that your colony, Earth, bears life. While I know these organic life-forms serve no purpose, I ask that we leave this planet and spare their lives.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Pink Diamond thought for a moment, and then laughed, a wicked, empty sound.
:'''Pink Diamond''': ''[laughing]'' You wish to save these life-forms at the expense of our own? Ha! Don't be absurd. Return to your post, and I will forget your insolence.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' And with that, Rose Quartz was dragged back to her kindergarten for duty. ''[A gem drags Rose away and she continues working]'' Only Rose could no longer stand to continue aiding in the destruction of Earth. She had no choice. She had to fight.
:'''Rose''': ''[stops working and jumps into the air, changing her uniform into a dress before destroying an injector, stands on the broken injector and speaks to the other Quartzes]'' Is this what you want -- to inject, to build?! I've seen the life that exists for itself, and it lives here! Will you destroy it, or will you join it?
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Rose's message began to resonate to Pink Diamond's dismay. Her colony was falling apart. So, like a coward, she called for her Diamond allies, Yellow and Blue, to help. But Rose also found herself with allies, other Gems that were cast out for being wrong-- a Pearl who belonged to no one… a Bismuth who built weapons for rebels instead of towers for tyrants… An entirely new fusion, for not power, but for love… And countless others, all inspired by Rose to live for ourselves on Earth. She was our leader. And Earth was our precious home. And those who fought to save it became known as…the Crystal Gems!
:'''Rhodonite''': Unbelievable!
:'''Rutile Twins''': There were Gems like us?
:'''Padparadscha''': Fighting.
:'''Fluorite''': For… their… freedom?
:'''Garnet''': Yes, and we were fearless! ''[Flashback resumes; narrating]'' It was an impossible fight, but we fought anyway. And the more Gems who saw us, the more who joined. But Pink Diamond's forces proved too strong. Rose feared that soon she would have nothing left to protect. Rose Quartz drew her rebel blade… and shattered Pink Diamond, saving the Earth for all time from her reign of terror.
:'''Rutile Twins''': Wow! That's incredible! I don't believe it!
:'''Lars''': ''[to Steven]'' Your mom did all that? That's awesome!
:'''Rhodonite''': Wait. What about the rest? What happened after that?
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The other Diamonds were furious. In a last-ditch attempt to wipe out the Rebellion, the Diamonds launched a direct attack against Earth. And in their fury, they used their powers to end the fighting once and for all.
:'''Padparadscha''': I predict this story won't have a happy ending.
:'''Rutile Twins''': We were all told different stories. But they all ended the same way.
:'''Fluorite''': With Rose Quartz… being… defeated.
:'''Rhodonite''': This new version of the story is even worse! So, she was great, and they beat her? What are we supposed to get out of this -- that we can never win?!
:'''Garnet''': We haven't yet, but we can, and we will. They said they annihilated Rose's rebellion, but here ''we'' are. They said they annihilated all of you on Homeworld, but here ''you'' are! They think they have us on the run, but they're the ones that are running from the truth. And the truth is we... are... everywhere!
:'''Rhodonite''': But how many more of us can there be?
:'''Steven''': Way more than you think! I was only on Homeworld for, like, an hour before I ran in to you guys. There must be Off Colors all over the place.
:'''Garnet''': Rose used to say there was something about Earth -- something that set Gems free. But it's not just Earth. Look at you. Love, freedom -- it's universal. You all prove it every moment you live as yourselves. You can show everyone.
:'''Fluorite''': We… can do that?
:'''Lars''': Not while we're floating out here like sitting ducks.

===''The Big Show''===

===''Pool Hopping''===
:'''Garnet''': I think I get it.
:'''Steven''': Hm?
:'''Garnet''': Why my future vision has been so off. I have to change the way I think about you. 
:'''Steven''': What?
:'''Garnet''': I've been looking into probable futures where you act like a child. I keep expecting you to run from responsibility and to turn to me for help, but you don't do that anymore. Those futures aren't probable at all. There's nothing wrong with this timeline or my future vision. I just need to factor in that you've grown up.

===''Letters to Lars''===

===''Can't Go Back''===
:'''Blue Diamond''': But this is what you wanted.
:'''Steven''': ''[wakes up and gasps; turns to see Lapis is nowhere to be seen]'' Lapis? ''[turns forward to the silhouettes of Blue, Yellow, and Pink Diamond]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': You begged us for a colony of your own, and now all you want to do is be rid of it. First there were too many organics. Then their cities were too difficult to dismantle, and -- and now these Crystal Gems. We're tired of your excuses, Pink. We're tired of your excuses, Pink.
:'''Steven''': The Diamonds.
:'''Blue Diamonds''': This Rose Quartz can't hurt you. You can't be swayed by a few unruly Gems. ''[Holds her hand up as Pink Diamond is about to say something]'' Enough! You must understand, you are a Diamond. Everyone on this planet is looking to you. You don't even have to do anything. Just smile and wave. Show everyone you're unfazed by this little uprising. Your Gems will fall into line, and these Crystal Gems will be no more. As long as you are there to rule, this colony will be completed.

===''A Single Pale Rose''===
:'''Steven''': It better not turn out that her phone was in her pocket...or she left it on the dresser or dropped it in the toilet. Seems about as likely as putting it away in your repressed war memories.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Steven returns from Pearl's gem after learning the truth about how Rose Quartz &quot;shattered&quot; Pink Diamond]''
:'''Steven''': I know.  
:'''Pearl''': ''[tearing up]'' I wanted to tell you for ''so'' long.
:'''Steven''': Mom was Pink Diamond.
:''[Garnet and Amethyst stand in shock behind Steven]''
:'''Amethyst''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAAAAAAAAAT?!?'''&lt;/big&gt;

===''Now We're Only Falling Apart''===
:'''Amethyst''': Let me get this straight. Rose Quartz, leader of the Crystal Gems, Steven's mom, was actually Pink Diamond?!
:'''Steven''': She faked her own shattering, and reformed to be Rose all the time.
:'''Pearl''': Pink Diamond's final command to me was that no one could know, but now that Steven does, I can finally tell you all everything!
:'''Amethyst''': Phew! I mean, a pink lion, a pink sword, and now Pink Diamond?! Huh, if you told me Rose invented cotton candy, I'd believe it. Right, Garnet? Uh, Garnet?
:'''Garnet''': ''[shaking and gets up]'' Rose. She... she... ''[struggles to stay stable and defuses into Ruby and Sapphire]''
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire...
:'''Sapphire''': ''[betrayed and heartbroken with fury]'' '''SHE LIED TO US!''' She lied about EVERYTHING! ''[freezes up the floor]'' She held our hands, looked us right in the eyes, and told us to never question who we are as Garnet. We never questioned ourselves, or her!
:'''Ruby''': We couldn't have known!
:'''Sapphire''': No, you couldn't have known. You never know what's going on. That's what I'm for!
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire...
:'''Sapphire''': But I never looked into her, I trusted her... I let her make fools of us all!
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire, wait!
:'''Steven''': Guys! ''[slips on the ice]''
:'''Ruby''': Please...We can just stay calm and talk about this, right? Let's just, talk.
:'''Sapphire''': Talk about what? How our relationship is based on a lie? What else is there to say? ''[warps to Rose's Fountain]''
:'''Pearl''': Ruby, I am so sorry...
:'''Steven''': Come on, Pearl. Help me explain everything to Sapphire.
:'''Pearl''': Right.
:'''Steven''': Sit tight, Ruby. We'll go and get Sapphire.
:'''Ruby''': Okay. ''[starts crying]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sapphire''': ''[grieving]'' Everything we were running from, she was right there all along…using us for her little war…smiling at us with those knowing eyes… Making me believe in a better future that I couldn't see, because it wasn't real. And now here we are, our friends, shattered, and corrupted…of course she was a Diamond. What a long road she took to torture us all like this.
:'''Steven''': It wasn't like that. You know she didn't want anyone to get hurt.
:'''Sapphire''': I don't know that! I clearly don't know anything.
:'''Pearl''': You deserve to know everything. I was given to Pink Diamond a few thousand years before she was given the Earth. I was supposed to make her happy, I just never could.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': Is everything alright, my Diamond? You seem troubled.
:'''Rose''': All this life that's been growing wild here on Earth…none of it will survive my invasion. We're not creating life from nothing. We're ''taking'' life, and leaving nothing behind.
:'''Pearl''': Forgive me, my Diamond. I shouldn't have brought you to such a place.
:'''Rose''': No. I needed to see this.
:''[scene shifts back to the fountain]''
:'''Steven''': So she ''did'' want to protect Earth. She didn't realize what the colony was doing to the planet.
:'''Sapphire''': So what?! She suddenly started to care about Earth? Why did she have to rope us into all this? Why couldn't she just stop the colonization herself?
:'''Pearl''': She ''tried''. When she told the other Diamonds she didn't want to go through with the colony, they told her to finish what she started. When she told the other Diamonds she wanted to preserve life on Earth, they created the zoo and threw a handful of humans in. She did everything she could as Pink Diamond. But her status meant nothing to Blue and Yellow. So she decided to make a stand, as someone they couldn't ignore. She was going to scare every Gem off the planet. But everything changed when she saw…your fusion.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': Before Garnet, Rose was only fighting for Earth. But Garnet changed everything. Rose wanted to fight for her, she wanted to fight for Gems! And maybe she was foolish, and maybe even...selfish, but she was-
:'''Sapphire''': Following us.
:'''Pearl''': What?
:'''Sapphire''': This whole time, we thought we were following her, but she was following ''us''. How could she not after you swept her off her feet?

===''What's your Problem''===

===''The Question''===

===''Made of Honor''===
:'''Steven''': So, my Dad will finish playing the music, and then next you'll do the &quot;I do&quot;s. And then I'll say… &quot;I now pronounce you Garnet.&quot; And then you fuse! Everyone will cheer!
:'''Sapphire''': Everyone… who survived.
:'''Ruby''': Huh?
:'''Sapphire''': Oh, it's just… There's so many old friends who won't be able to come. All the Crystal Gems who were corrupted and bubbled in the basement.
:'''Ruby''': Maybe we could bring the bubbles up here?
:'''Sapphire''': No, no. It's not safe. We can't risk them getting out.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bismuth''': Hey everyone. Did you guys &quot;Bismi-th&quot; me?
:''[Pearl, Sapphire, Ruby and Amethyst drop their sodas simultaneously]''
:'''Peridot''': Ha! I win! Also, less importantly, who are you?
:'''Steven''': I… invited Bismuth! I hope that's cool.
:'''Sapphire''': ''[slowly walks up to her]'' Bismuth. ''[hugs her]''
:'''Bismuth''': Whoa, Sapphire!
:'''Pearl and Ruby''': Bismuth! ''[tackle her to the floor, and begin nuzzling her]''
:'''Sapphire''': You wouldn't believe what we've all been through. I'm so sorry! We should've-
:'''Bismuth''': Look, I'm right there with you, Steven filled me in.
:'''Peridot''': So, is anyone going to introduce me?
:'''Amethyst''': Let's give 'em some space.

===''Reunited''===
:'''Steven''': Dearly beloved Gems, humans, lions big and small, living gourds, Onion, we are gathered here today to celebrate Ruby and Sapphire, two of my favorite people, who combine into one of my other favorite people! You all probably know her as Garnet. She's their love, given form. Now it's your turn to talk about that.
:'''Ruby''': I know this is all kind of silly, I mean, we've been together for 5,750 years.
:'''Sapphire''': And 8 months.
:'''Ruby''': I used to feel like I wasn't much good, just one of me on my own. But when we're together, it feels like it's okay to just be me. So I wanna be me, with you, an-and, not even the Diamonds will come between us. And if they try, we'll beat em up!
:'''Sapphire''': Ruby, my future used to look like one single, obvious stream, unbending 'til the end of time. In an instant, you pulled me from that destiny and opened my eye to an explosion of infinite possible futures, streaking across space and time, altered and obliterated by the smallest force of will. ''[beat]'' What I mean is, you changed my life. And then, I changed your life. And now, we changed our lives.
:'''Steven''': Bismuth, the rings.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[gently bumps Bismuth]'' Hey Bismuth, that's your cue.
:''[Bismuth, touched and crying by the vows, approaches them with the rings]''
:'''Steven''': Ruby, do you take this Gem to have and to hold, on this and every other planet in the universe!?
:'''Ruby''': I DO!
:'''Steven''': And Sapphire, do you-
:'''Sapphire''': Yes.
:'''Steven''': ''[whispering]'' You didn't let me finish.
:'''Sapphire''': I'm just very excited.
:'''Steven''': Then by the power vested in me by the state of Delmarva, I now pronounce you… Garnet!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': What a wonderful idea. Humans found a way to make a moment's decision last forever. I won't need future vision to know I'll always remember this.
:'''Steven''': I'm so glad. ''[starts tearing up]''
:'''Garnet''': Oh no. I'm sorry. Don't cry.
:'''Steven''': ''[wipes off the tears]'' I guess seeing everyone together got me really choked up. ''[bigger tears begin flowing out of his eyes]'' Wait a second. You don't think…?
:'''Garnet''': ''[takes off her visor, opening her third eye]'' Blue Diamond!
:'''Steven''': She's here?!
:'''Garnet''': And she's not alone.
:''[The sky darkens quickly and everyone looks up to the sky, seeing Blue and Yellow Diamond's ships approaching]''
:'''Steven''': Oh, no. It's the Diamonds! ''[runs up to Nanefua]'' Nanefua, get on your Nane-phone! We've got a code blue ''and'' a code yellow!
:'''Garnet''': This is it.
:''[As the Diamond ships approach the beach, they fly overhead them]''
:'''Peridot''': WE'RE OVER HERE, YOU CLODS!
:'''Pearl''': Wha- where are they going?!
:'''Steven''': If they're not here for us, they must be here for the Cluster!
:'''Bismuth''': What's the Cluster?
:'''Steven''': It's a huge earth-destroying geo-weapon that the Diamonds made out of a bajillion gem shards!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': You cannot fathom how much I've mourned, what thousands of years of grief has done to me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': I know this sword. This is the sword that '''SHATTERED HER!''' ''[shatters the sword as Steven gasps, which made Connie fall down only to be caught by Lion]'' You deserve this-- ''all'' of you!
:'''Steven''': Stop, please!
:'''Amethyst''': Steven…
:'''Pearl''': What do we do?
:'''Steven''': I don't know. She won't listen, she just wants to fight!
:'''Garnet''': Blue Diamond!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Who are you supposed to be?
:'''Garnet''': I am the will of two Gems to care for each other, to protect each other from any threat, no matter how vast or how cruel. You couldn't stop me 5,750 years ago, and you can't stop me now!
:'''Blue Diamond''': It's you, that Ruby and Sapphire that disrupted my court.
:'''Garnet''': This is supposed to be MY day!
:'''Blue Diamond''': You hope to defeat me by clinging to my feet?
:'''Garnet''': I just needed to keep you from taking three steps to the right.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': With all our strength together, we can take her down!
:'''Steven''': That's right! This is our home, our planet, our friends and family! We are the Crystal Gems!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Pathetic! You are &lt;big&gt;'''NOTHING!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Ha! I told her off, once. I can do it again. ''[jumps off Bismuth's hands and runs up to Yellow Diamond]'' Hey! Yellow Clod! '''''REMEMBER ME?!'''''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': No. ''[zaps and poofs Peridot to her gemstone]''
:'''Steven''': Stop! ''[jumps off Garnet's hands and runs up to the Diamonds]'' Don't do this! Listen to me, ''I'm'' the one you're missing! I'm Pink Diamond!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[shocked and angry]'' You! ''[charges towards Steven as he summons his shield]''
:'''Garnet''': Steven!
:''[Yellow Diamond stomps her foot on Steven in fury, knocking him out unconsciously]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lapis Lazuli''': What else have you got?! I've only just begun to fight! ''[gets zapped and poofed to her gemstone by Yellow Diamond]''
:'''Steven''': ''[shocked gasp]'' Lapis!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''How miserable. I knew Pink couldn't handle her own colony. But, I gave in. And now, I'm to blame for her fate.''
:'''Steven''': Ah, her thoughts are too strong!
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''What good will any of this do? The more I make these Gems suffer, the more I long to see you again, Pink.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': This feeling, I know it!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': It must be a trick! Show yourself, foe!
:'''Steven''': I'm not your foe. Please, just listen to me!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': There!
:'''Steven''': ''Please, the fighting has to stop. We aren't enemies. We're family. Please listen to me. I need you to know who I am!!!''
:'''Blue Diamond''': Impossible.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': This aura...
:'''Blue Diamond''': It's you! Pink!

===''Legs From Here to Homeworld''===
:'''Garnet''': We can't just hand Steven over to Blue Diamond, she's a shatterer!
:'''Bismuth''': She's not gonna hurt him, look at her. She really thinks he's one of them.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[sobbing loudly]'' Somebody make Blue Diamond stop!
:'''Connie''': Are you guys okay?
:'''Pearl''': It's just… ''[sniffles]'' Blue Diamond's power. She's obviously relieved that Pink Diamond wasn't shattered after all.
:''[Yellow Diamond tries to reactive her ship but fails]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmm. How could you do this to us, Pink? Why did you let us think you were shattered? Why the strange disguise? Why are you doing a voice? Why didn't you say something at the trial?! And Blue, could you please stop crying? I can't see. ''[wipes her tears, splashing the Gems]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': Sorry. ''[sets Steven down]''
:'''Steven''': My mom kept it secret from everyone.
:'''Pearl''': Ahem.
:'''Steven''': Almost everyone.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What are you talking about?
:'''Steven''': Well, apparently, Mom… Oh, geez. You don't know what a mom is. Okay, Pink Diamond took the form of Rose Quartz permanently after faking her shattering. Then, Rose Quartz gave up ''that'' form to create a new life with my dad-- me. Rose passed her gemstone and some of her powers onto me, but that's all. I-I don't have any of Pink ''or'' Rose's memories. I'm sorry.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmm. I'm sure your memories are in there somewhere, Pink.
:'''Steven''': Actually, I go by &quot;Steven.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': We can only do so much, if it was the ''four'' of us.
:'''Blue Diamond''': Oh, no. We can't let ''her'' see this!
:'''Steven''': Who? Who do we need?!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What do you mean, &quot;who?&quot; White.
:'''Pearl''': ''[shocked]'' White Diamond?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While traveling to Homeworld]''
:'''Steven''': Should I have brought a gift for White Diamond? We ''are'' dropping in unexpectedly, and… I want to make a good first impression. Her help will mean everything for the Corrupted Gems.
:'''Pearl''': Steven...
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmph. &quot;Good impression&quot;? We'll be lucky if she ever ''speaks'' to us again after this.
:'''Steven''': But...
:'''Blue Diamond''': The thing is, White... can be... ''difficult''.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': When we show up in this ship, it will be irrefutable that the last 6,000 years are now the biggest galactic embarrassment that's ever happened. And ''we're'' the ones to blame. (''to Steven'') If you don't want to be in a bubble for the next few millennia, I suggest you let ''me'' do the talking.

===''Familiar''===
:'''Steven''': Pearl!
:'''Pearl''': Steven! ''[runs over to Steven and hugs him]'' Oh, thank the stars! You're okay! What did White Diamond do? Did she hurt you?
:'''Steven''': No, she was like, &quot;Welcome home.&quot; I don't think she understands that I'm not Pink Diamond. Where's Connie? And Garnet and Amethyst?
:'''Pearl''': They're still on the ship. ''[summons a hot dog bag]'' I'm only here because I'm bringing your things. And they consider me one of your things.
:'''Steven''': Yeesh.
:''[Diamond chime plays]''
:'''Pearl''': The Diamond chime -- it's Yellow.
:''[The door opens, revealing Yellow Pearl standing right there]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Diamond, my Diamond has requested your presence in the extraction chamber.
:'''Pearl''': Let's get you into a suit. ''[opens the bag]''
:''[Steven, wearing his yellow swimsuit, Pearl, and Yellow Pearl walk through a yellow hallway]''
:'''Steven''': Swim trunks don't seem very formal.
:'''Pearl''': Trust me, this will be more comfortable than jeans.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Diamond.
:'''Steven''': Please, call me Steven.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Steven.
:'''Steven''': No, just Steven.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Just Steven.
:'''Steven''': Call me... Lasagna.
:'''Pearl''': Steven, stop. You're going to break her. ''[opens the extraction chamber door]''
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Have a nice extraction, Pink Lasagna.
:''[Steven walks into the extraction chamber sauna]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Pink.
:'''Steven''': Hi, Yellow. Cool sauna.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': It's new. Have a seat. ''[Steven uses his floating powers to jump up and takes a seat]'' So, you met with White. How was it?
:'''Steven''': All I got to say was, &quot;Hi,&quot; and, &quot;um,&quot; and, &quot;I.&quot;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Two and a half words -- that's a record.
:'''Steven''': Two and a half words isn't enough. I still need to talk to White about healing all the corrupted Gems!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Hmm. Good luck. White never leaves her own head these days, and she never lets anyone in -- except you, I guess. It's so unfair. I have hundreds of successful crystal system colonies, but you get to see her because your one colony is a failure!
:'''Steven''': Maybe you should just… ''fail?''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[looks momentarily shocked, then starts laughing]'' Oh, Pink, you always did have quite a knack for making me laugh. You're almost worth the trouble.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Pearl''': ''[showing up]'' Pink Diamond, my Diamond was requested your presence.
:''[Steven, Pearl, and Blue Pearl walk down a blue hallway]''
:'''Steven''': We barely talked about White at all. She had to rush to do a report, and I couldn't go with her. I get they're, like, busy, 'cause they're dictators and everything, but I need more time! ''[gasps and face-palms]'' I should have asked her what she was doing after the Citron thing!
:'''Pearl''': She'll be at that for a while. Yellow Diamond oversees all aspects of Gem production on every single one of her colonies. And when she's not doing that, she's off with her army, conquering the next one.
:'''Steven''': What about their days off, weekends?
:'''Blue Pearl''': My Diamond is awaiting our arrival.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Pearl''': ''[turns to Pearl]'' Welcome back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': You're here! Come in.
:'''Steven''': Okay! ''[runs and jumps into the pool, laughing]'' Whoo-hoo! (''laughing'') It's funny! I -- I live right next to the ocean, but I end up going to space to swim.
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[laughs, causing the pool to shake a bit]'' You haven't changed. So silly. So small.
:'''Steven''': I'm not done growing. I'm not sure I can catch up to you and Yellow, though.
:'''Blue Diamond''': I'm so glad you're back... Steven.
:'''Steven''': Y-You actually said my name!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Steven. Steee-von? (''chuckles'') It's such a funny sounding name. You're so creative, Pink.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': (''sighs'') This is so weird. Was this some sort of spa day or something? And what about Pink? Did she have a job here, or did she just sit in a room while they were off doing whatever?
:'''Pearl''': Before her colony, Pink used to throw massive balls.
:'''Steven''': ''[surprised]'' She was a juggler?!
:'''Pearl''': No -- Well, yes. But she would also throw parties for the other Diamonds to mark their many accomplishments. Every member of every court would show up to bask in the presence of all four Diamonds.
:'''Steven''': Even White would come?
:'''Pearl''': Oh, yes! Huh. I wonder what's even become of Pink's court.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ♫ Oh, I'll get them all together in one place / And once we're all together face-to-face / I'll show them all the error of their ways / And stop their spread of terror across space! ♫

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I figured it out! Remember back when I was little and maybe kind of annoying, and I couldn't come along on adventures? You guys would still drop everything to hang out with me! That's Pink Diamond! I know I can do this! Just watch -- I'm gonna throw a huge ball, and I'm gonna invite everyone!

===''Together Alone''===
:'''Pearl''': The Pebbles have been working all night. What do you think?
:'''Steven''': It almost feels like home.
:'''Garnet''': Almost.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': A ball? We haven't had a ball in 6,000 years.
:'''Blue Diamond''': We haven't had Pink in 6,000 years!
:'''Steven''': Yeah! When White Diamond shows up we can tell her why we need her help on Earth!
:'''Blue Diamond''': And, this can also mark the beginning of Era 3.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You're right, it's brilliant.
:'''Steven''': Thank you, Yellow! Thank you, Blue!
:'''Blue Diamond''': If White is going to be there everything has to be perfect! Pink, can you manage this on your own? Our Pearls can help you get started.
:'''Blue Pearl''': At your service, Pink Diamond.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Make sure you go through all of our customs with Pink, since she has so much trouble recalling her past here on Homeworld.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Yes, My Diamond.
:'''Pearl''': Era 3! Steven, you're already changing the world!
:'''Steven''': Yeah! Come on, party Pearls!
:'''Yellow and Blue Pearl''': We are at your command, Pink Diamond.
:'''Steven''': Just call me Steven.
:'''Yellow and Blue Pearl''': Whatever you command, Pink Diamond.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': Balloons everywhere! Confetti cannons too!
:'''Amethyst''': Dibs on being the confetti cannon!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Cannons are ''forbidden'' inside palace walls. These &quot;balloons&quot; you're referring to, are unprecedented and therefore out of the question.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Pink Diamond! Your subjects will do the dancing for you! Why would a Diamond want to dance?
:'''Steven''': Because dancing's fun!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': What is &quot;fun&quot;?
:'''Connie''': You know, it's when you do something you wanna do, just because it feels good.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': I don't think we do that here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': The Sapphire will need to enter with the other Sapphires of course, and the Ruby will need to enter with the guard.
:'''Steven''': Woah, woah, woah. Are you talking about Garnet?
:'''Blue Diamond''': Garnet? Does &quot;that&quot; call herself a Garnet? What would you have her do? Enter with the Demantoids, the Hessonites, the Pyropes? Pink, I'm being very generous, but you can't expect me to-
:'''Garnet''': I won't go.
:'''Steven''': Garnet?
:'''Blue Diamond''': At least the Sapphire in there has some sense.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Everyone, behold! The daunting, beauty and elegance that is, Yellow Diamond!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Not a bad turnout, Pink.
:'''Steven''': I appreciate your attendance, Yellow.
:'''Blue Pearl''': Ahem, everyone prepare yourselves emotionally for the overpowering elegance that is, Blue Diamond.
:'''Blue Diamond''': You're doing great.
:'''Steven''': Thank you, Blue.
:'''White Pearl''': To those in attendance of the Era 3 ball, White Diamond... has more important things to attend to.
:'''Steven''': WHAT?!
:'''White Pearl''': Therefore, I will be here to observe in her place. Welcome to Era 3.
:'''Steven''': Gra!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': (''through gritted teeth'') Pink, what are you doing?!
:'''Stevonnie''': I was just dancing! (''sees they have fused and everybody else looks in shock'')
:'''Blue Diamond''': Pink, this is completely unacceptable! Unfuse or I'll make you!
:''[Ruby and Sapphire fuse and become Garnet]''
:'''Garnet''': You'll have to go through me!
:'''Pearl''': (''gasp'') And me! (''Runs over to Amethyst and fuses into Opal'')
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah!
:''[two jades quickly fuse as well]''
:'''Lemon Jade''': And me! ''[Opal and Stevonnie look at Garnet, and she shrugs]'' I knew it! I knew I couldn't be the only one!
:''[Yellow Diamond strikes the Jade Fusion, Opal, and Garnet with her lightning powers, causing them all to poof]''
:'''Stevonnie''': Opal! Garnet!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Pink, you've gone too far even for you. ''[picks up Stevonnie and throws them into a dark room]'' Stay in here and think about what you've done!
:'''Stevonnie''': No, wait!
:''[Yellow Diamond closes the door, ends the episode]''

===''Escapism''===
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[singing]'' ♫ I guess I have to face, that in this awful place, I shouldn't show a trace... of doubt. / But pulled against the grain, I feel a little pain, that I would rather do... without. / I'd rather be free-ee-ee, free-ee-ee, free... / I'd rather be free-ee-ee, free-ee-ee, free... / Free-ee-ee, free-ee-ee, free... / from here. ♫

===''Change Your Mind''===
:'''Steven''': ''[wakes up and looks up at the prison tower window]'' Oh, right -- prison.
:''[Blue Diamond enters]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': I cannot believe you! Making a scene like that.
:''' Steven''': We weren't trying to make a scene! We were just... ''[turns to see that Connie is not present]'' dancing?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blue Diamond''': I cannot believe you -- making a scene like that!
:'''Steven''': Whoa -- dejá blue.
:'''Connie''': We didn't mean any harm! I asked Steven to dance; he wasn't trying to cause trouble!
:'''Blue Diamond''': What do you know about this, human?
:'''Connie''': ''[chuckles]'' You think I've never been grounded before?
:'''Blue Diamond''': &quot;Grounded?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': This isn't normal. How many times did you lock her in here? How many times did you make her cry?!
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[defensive]'' I didn't, I... and I'm doing it again... aren't I?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What... are you doing?
:'''Steven''': I'm taking back my friends!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[closes her eyes as she looks up from Steven to readdress Blue; annoyed]'' What are you doing, Blue? Take Pink back to the tower.
:'''Blue Diamond''': She prefers to be called &quot;Steven.&quot;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[slams her hand so forcefully against her throne that it cracks, stands up and assumes an angered stance]'' What are you talking about?! You can't keep bending the rules for her, Blue! She has to set an example, and ''we'' have to set an example! If we bend the rules for her, we have to bend them for everyone!
:'''Connie''': Well, maybe you should!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Take them back to the tower, now!
:'''Blue Diamond''': I won't.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Then I'll do it myself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': When we thought Pink was shattered, when she abandoned us, I alone was there for you, and you would use your power against &lt;big&gt;'''ME?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You'd hurt a fellow Diamond?!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Didn't we hurt Pink?! She was suffering in silence for ages -- just like our Gems -- just like me! And I know ''you're'' suffering in silence, too!
:''[Yellow Diamond claps her fist and uses her lightning power on Blue, causing her to begin to destabilize and scream]''
:'''Steven''': Stop! ''[pulls out his shield and chucks it towards Yellow Diamond's hand, disrupting her concentration]'' You don't have to do this!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Yes, I do! This is what White Diamond expects of all of us. From a thin flake of mica to the deepest, hardest stone, we all must make sacrifices for the sake of our perfect empire.
:'''Steven''': Does ''this'' look perfect to you?! My dad says if every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn't have hot dogs.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': And that means... what?
:'''Steven''': It means if you try and make this empire perfect -- if you just wipe away everything you see as flawed -- you lose all the things that make you happy -- like hot dogs.
:'''Blue Diamond''': Or our Pink.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Uhh... ''[falls to the ground on her knees in an uncharacteristic emotional breakdown]'' Stop. Stop it, Blue. Stop using your power on me...!
:'''Blue Diamond''': I'm not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': Hey, White, I know I was in there with you for a second, but I barely got to talk to you at all. There are so many Gems that are hurting right now. Even Blue and Yellow are hurting. You should hear what they have to say. ''[to Blue and Yellow; whispers]'' This is it.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[struggling]'' We... W-we... We need to talk! About us. I've conquered so many worlds for the sake of the empire. I do everything you ask, and I do it all perfectly. But your very high standards put us all under a ''lot'' of pressure. A Gem could crack under so much pressure. We Diamonds may be hard, but we're also brittle.
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[steps forward]'' White, we used to be close. Don't you remember? When Pink would make us laugh -- all those silly things she did for no reason. There was a reason. She wanted us to be happy together. But we weren't, and we're still not. I know my purpose isn't to be happy, but I find it harder and harder to enforce your rules when they make me miserable. When they make us all miserable.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rainbow Quartz 2.0''': Well, what do you know? It's Rainbow 2.0! Now, this is a fine mess we're in. (''gasps'') That won't do. (''blows raspberry'') Rainbow Quartz powers, activate! Ah, yes. Now that's two stones, with one bird.
:''[Steven and new reformed Pearl unfuse]''
:'''Amethyst''': Wow! Nice form, Pearl.
:'''Pearl''': Oh, ''[chuckles]'' thank you. I'm particularly excited about the jacket. Aah! Steven! We fused!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sunstone''': Awwwwwwwwwww yeah! You better step off! Chillax, my dudes. Your rockin' pal Sunstone is holdin' it down.
:'''Pearl''': Wow!
:'''Amethyst''': Holy...
:'''Connie''': All right!
:'''Peridot''': Unbelievable!
:'''Sunstone''': Oh, you better believe it.
:'''Peridot''': Okay!
:'''Connie''': Sunstone, what are we gonna do? White Diamond's never going to listen, and she's never going to let us leave.
:'''Sunstone''': If she won't listen, we'll ''make'' her listen.
:'''Amethyst''': And ''how'' are we gonna do that?
:'''Sunstone''': I know she's in there. We'll bust into her head and change her mind.
:'''Everyone''': Right!
:'''Sunstone''': Let's take that bully down! ''[to the viewers]'' But remember kids: if you ever have to deal with a bully, be sure to tell an adult. ''[yanks Pearl and Amethyst onto their shoulders and sprints towards the giant pink foot of the ship]'' Ally-oop! ''[summons her suction cups]'' Kids, don't try this at home. Ha! Bungacowa!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': We need to be bigger.
:'''Steven''': Then let's fuse. All four of us. It's the only way we're gonna get up to her head.
:'''Amethyst''': I'm in!
:'''Pearl''': I'm in, too.
:'''Garnet''': Then it's decided. It's time to form Obsidian.
:''[Connie, Bismuth, Peridot, and Lapis back away to give some space for Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, and Steven to perform their fusion dance; Obsidian is formed by letting out a big loud cry for battle]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[amazed]'' They're HU-U-U-U-GE!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': You're wrong! I'm not my mom!
:'''White Diamond''': But don't you know things about her that you couldn't possibly know?
:'''Steven''': I-I've just been connecting with her. My powers, they-they help me to connect to others. I'm not her. I'm just feeling her feelings.
:'''White Diamond''': Isn't it obvious? Even though you've embedded yourself in that human child, your light can't help shining through!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connie''': Don't listen to her Steven! She's just trying to mess with you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''White Diamond''': What is this?! Where is Pink?
:'''Pink Steven''': She's gone.
:'''White Diamond''': What did you say? Answer me!
:'''Pink Steven''': ''[shouting]'' She's &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''GO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-NE!!!!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''White Diamond''': Agh! Don't you raise your shield at me! I only want you to be yourself! If you can't do that, I'll do it &lt;big&gt;FOR YOU!!!&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connie''': Steven! ''[rushes to Steven and hugs him]'' Are you back together? Are you you?
:'''Steven''': Yeah. Yeah! I’m me! I’ve always been me.
:'''White Diamond''': ''NO!'' You are Pink Diamond! That is Pink Diamond's gem! You do not look like this! You do not sound like this! You are not half-human! You're just... acting like a child!
:'''Steven''': I ''am'' a child. What's your excuse?
:'''White Diamond''': ''[starts blushing, and notices the Gems under her control doing the same]'' What's happening? What is this? What's wrong with them? They're turning... pink! I don't understand, I'm in control, I-- ''[gasps]'' Something's wrong! With ME! No!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''White Diamond''': What is this? I feel... ridiculous. Yellow, Blue...
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[gasps]'' She's off-color...
:'''White Diamond''': This can't be happening. I can't have a flaw, I'm supposed to be flawless! If I'm not perfect then... who am I? If you're not Pink, then... who are you? Who is ''anyone?''
:'''Steven''': You know, if you just let everyone be whoever they are, maybe you could let yourself be whoever you are too.
:'''White Diamond''': But I'm not supposed to be like this! I'm supposed to know better, I'm supposed to ''be'' better, I'm supposed to make ''everything'' better!
:'''Steven''': You can. But first, you're gonna have to leave your own head.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Padparadscha''': I predict our long journey through space will soon be over.
:'''Lars''': Welcome home, guys.
:'''Rhodonite''': We finally made it! Earth! No more running, no more hiding! No more Diamond Authority! ''[they notice the Diamonds, who have heard everything]'' Well, we're cracked.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sadie''': Lars... Look at you! You're... you're a space pirate!
:'''Lars''': Look at you! You're a rock star!
:'''Sadie''': ''[Laughs] Well... ''[Laughs]''
:''[They both laugh in unison]''
:'''Lars''': I think it suits us!
:'''Sadie''': Yeah. Me, too!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[singing]'' ♫ I don’t need you to respect me, I respect me. / I don’t need you to love me, I love me. / But I want you to know you could know me, / If you change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind, / If you change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind, / If you change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind, / Change your mi-i-i-i-i-i-ind. ♫

[[Category:Steven Universe seasons]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>My Little Pony: Equestria Girls (film)</title>
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      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="5559" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:My Little Pony: Equestria Girls (film)|My Little Pony: Equestria Girls]]''''' is a 2013 flash animated fantasy musical film released as a part of Hasbro's toy line and media franchise of the same name, which is itself an anthropomorphized spin-off of the 2010 relaunch of the main My Little Pony franchise. 

==Sunset Shimmer==
* ''[In a Youtube Poop esque video about Twilight]'' Twilight Sparkle wants to be ''your'' Fall Formal Princess. But what does it say about ''our'' school if we give someone like this...such an important honor?

==Dialogue==
:'''Twilight Sparkle:''' You see—
:'''Human Pinkie Pie:''' ''(rapid fire)'' You’re from an alternate world and you’re a pony princess there and the crown actually has a magical element embedded in it that helps power up other magical elements and without it they don’t work anymore and you need them to help protect your magical world, and if you don’t get the crown tonight, you’ll be stuck in this world and you won’t be able to get back for like, a really, really long time! ''[squee]''
:''(Twilight's jaw drops, Spike's jaw also drops.)''
:'''Human Rainbow Dash:''' Yeah. I’m pretty sure that isn’t the reason. 
:'''Spike:''' Nope, she’s pretty much spot on.
:'''Human Rarity:''' HE CAN TALK?!?!
:'''Spike:''' Oh, yeah. And back where I come from, I’m not even a dog! I’m a ferocious, fire-breathing dragon! 
:'''Human Fluttershy:''' ''(Shoves Rarity and Pinkie Pie aside)'' This...is...so...amazing! Tell me, what are you thinking right now? 
:''(She smiles widely; Rarity's jaw drops.)''
:'''Spike:''' Sure would love a scratch behind the old ears.
:'''Human Rarity:''' Gah...
:'''Spike:''' Uh...maybe later.
:'''Twilight Sparkle:''' How did you know all that?
:'''Human Pinkie Pie:''' Just a hunch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Last lines; after Twilight runs into Pony Flash Sentry)''
:'''Twilight Sparkle:''' Who is that?
:'''Princess Cadence:''' He’s a new member of the castle guard. Flash Sentry, I think. Why? Do you know him? 
:'''Twilight:''' Not exactly.
:'''Applejack:''' Ooooh, somepony’s got a crush on the new guy!
:'''Twilight Sparkle:''' No. No, I don’t. 
:'''Rarity:''' ''(gasps)'' She does! She absolutely does! 
:'''Twilight Sparkle:''' Don’t be ridiculous. I don’t even know him. He just—
:'''Pinkie Pie:''' ''(rapid fire)'' Totally reminds you of a guy you met in the other world who played guitar and was in a band and helped prove you didn’t destroy all the decorations for a big dance, so you could still run for Princess of the big dance, and then asked you to dance at that dance, Right?!
:''(Long pause)''
:'''Twilight Sparkle:''' How did you know that?
:'''Pinkie Pie:''' Just a hunch.

==Pinkie Pie (EG)==
===Full name===
* '''Pinkamena Diane Pie'''

===Aliases===
* '''Pinkie Pie''' / '''Pinkie'''
* '''Darling'''
* '''Sugar cube'''
* '''Ms. Pie'''

===Occupations===
* '''Student of C.H.S.'''
* '''Wondercolt'''
* '''Party planner'''
* '''Sweet Snacks Café waitress'''
* '''Rainbooms' drummer'''
* '''Member of the Equestria Girls'''

===Alignment===
* '''Good'''

===Relatives===
* '''Maud Pie''' &lt;small&gt;(younger sister)&lt;/small&gt;

===Pets===
* '''Gummy''' &lt;small&gt;(stuffed crocodile)&lt;/small&gt;

===Allies===
* '''[[w:Twilight Sparkle|Princess Twilight Sparkle]]'''
* '''Spike the Dragon'''
* '''Applejack'''
* '''Fluttershy'''
* '''Rarity'''
* '''Twilight Sparkle''' &lt;small&gt;(best friend, partner and co-leader)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Sunset Shimmer''' &lt;small&gt;(best friend, partner and leader)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Rainbow Dash'''
* '''Spike the Dog'''
* '''Principal Celestia'''
* '''Vice Principal Luna'''
* '''Mr. Cranky Doodle'''
* '''Ms. Cheerilee'''
* '''Flash Sentry''' &lt;small&gt;(close friend)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Sandalwood'''
* '''Bulk Biceps'''
* '''Micro Chips'''
* '''Cutie Mark Crusaders'''
* '''Blueberry Cake'''
* '''Other C.H.S. students'''
* '''Dean Cadance'''
* '''Gloriosa Daisy'''
* '''Timber Spruce''' &lt;small&gt;(close friend)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Canter Zoom'''
* '''Juniper Montage'''
* '''Chestnut Magnifico'''
* '''Wallflower Blush'''
* '''Vignette Valencia'''
* '''PostCrush'''

===Enemies===
* '''Sunset Shimmer''' &lt;small&gt;(sometimes; when she accidentally got her feelings hurt)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Dazzlings'''
* '''Shadowbolts''' &lt;small&gt;(former arch-rivals)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Principal Cinch''' &lt;small&gt;(archenemy)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Gaia Everfree'''
* '''Juniper Montage''' &lt;small&gt;(formerly)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Wallflower Blush''' &lt;small&gt;(formerly)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Vignette Valencia''' &lt;small&gt;(formerly)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''PostCrush''' &lt;small&gt;(formerly)&lt;/small&gt;

===Likes===
* '''Parties'''
* '''Balloons'''
* '''Party cannons'''
* '''Decorations'''
* '''Party banners'''
* '''Her two best friends'''
* '''Pizza'''
* '''Lemonade'''
* '''Churros'''
* '''Cookies'''
* '''Cupcakes'''
* '''Froyo with toppings'''

===Dislikes===
* '''Being yelled at by Sunset'''
* '''Her feelings being hurt'''
* '''Topping-less froyo'''

===Voice===
* '''[[w:Andrea Libman|Andrea Libman]]''' &lt;small&gt;(speaking; 2013–present)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''[[w:Shannon Chan-Kent|Shannon Chan-Kent]]''' &lt;small&gt;(singing; 2013–2019)&lt;/small&gt;

==External Links==
{{wikipedia}}
[[Category:2013 films]]
[[Category:2010s American animated films]]
[[Category:American animated TV films]]
[[Category:Canadian animated films]]
[[Category:American flash animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Film spin-offs]]
[[Category:Equestria Girls films]]</text>
      <sha1>8z9rjhuh9lsig3daxivc8b2qkah5is1</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147764</id>
      <parentid>3147761</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T21:05:55Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:4041:51:9D00:7CA9:B7A5:A6D5:1CC1</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="5572" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:My Little Pony: Equestria Girls (film)|My Little Pony: Equestria Girls]]''''' is a 2013 flash animated fantasy musical film released as a part of Hasbro's toy line and media franchise of the same name, which is itself an anthropomorphized spin-off of the 2010 relaunch of the main My Little Pony franchise. 

==Sunset Shimmer==
* ''[In a Youtube Poop esque video about Twilight]'' Twilight Sparkle wants to be ''your'' Fall Formal Princess. But what does it say about ''our'' school if we give someone like this...such an important honor?

==Dialogue==
:'''Twilight Sparkle:''' You see—
:'''Human Pinkie Pie:''' ''(rapid fire)'' You’re from an alternate world and you’re a pony princess there and the crown actually has a magical element embedded in it that helps power up other magical elements and without it they don’t work anymore and you need them to help protect your magical world, and if you don’t get the crown tonight, you’ll be stuck in this world and you won’t be able to get back for like, a really, really long time! ''[squee]''
:''(Twilight's jaw drops, Spike's jaw also drops.)''
:'''Human Rainbow Dash:''' Yeah. I’m pretty sure that isn’t the reason. 
:'''Spike:''' Nope, she’s pretty much spot on.
:'''Human Rarity:''' HE CAN TALK?!?!
:'''Spike:''' Oh, yeah. And back where I come from, I’m not even a dog! I’m a ferocious, fire-breathing dragon! 
:'''Human Fluttershy:''' ''(Shoves Rarity and Pinkie Pie aside)'' This...is...so...amazing! Tell me, what are you thinking right now? 
:''(She smiles widely; Rarity's jaw drops.)''
:'''Spike:''' Sure would love a scratch behind the old ears.
:'''Human Rarity:''' Gah...
:'''Spike:''' Uh...maybe later.
:'''Twilight Sparkle:''' How did you know all that?
:'''Human Pinkie Pie:''' Just a hunch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Last lines; after Twilight runs into Pony Flash Sentry)''
:'''Twilight Sparkle:''' Who is that?
:'''Princess Cadence:''' He’s a new member of the castle guard. Flash Sentry, I think. Why? Do you know him? 
:'''Twilight:''' Not exactly.
:'''Applejack:''' Ooooh, somepony’s got a crush on the new guy!
:'''Twilight Sparkle:''' No. No, I don’t. 
:'''Rarity:''' ''(gasps)'' She does! She absolutely does! 
:'''Twilight Sparkle:''' Don’t be ridiculous. I don’t even know him. He just—
:'''Pinkie Pie:''' ''(rapid fire)'' Totally reminds you of a guy you met in the other world who played guitar and was in a band and helped prove you didn’t destroy all the decorations for a big dance, so you could still run for Princess of the big dance, and then asked you to dance at that dance, Right?!
:''(Long pause)''
:'''Twilight Sparkle:''' How did you know that?
:'''Pinkie Pie:''' Just a hunch.

==Pinkie Pie (EG)==
===Full name===
* '''Pinkamena Diane Pie'''

===Aliases===
* '''Pinkie Pie''' / '''Pinkie'''
* '''Darling'''
* '''Sugar cube'''
* '''Ms. Pie'''

===Occupations===
* '''Student of C.H.S.'''
* '''Wondercolt'''
* '''Party planner'''
* '''Sweet Snacks Café waitress'''
* '''Rainbooms' drummer'''
* '''Member of the Equestria Girls'''

===Alignment===
* '''Good'''

===Relatives===
* '''Maud Pie''' &lt;small&gt;(younger sister)&lt;/small&gt;

===Pets===
* '''Gummy''' &lt;small&gt;(stuffed crocodile)&lt;/small&gt;

===Allies===
* '''[[w:Twilight Sparkle|Princess Twilight Sparkle]]'''
* '''Spike the Dragon'''
* '''Applejack'''
* '''Fluttershy'''
* '''Rarity'''
* '''Twilight Sparkle''' &lt;small&gt;(best friend)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Sunset Shimmer''' &lt;small&gt;(second best friend)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Rainbow Dash'''
* '''Spike the Dog'''
* '''Principal Celestia'''
* '''Vice Principal Luna'''
* '''Mr. Cranky Doodle'''
* '''Ms. Cheerilee'''
* '''Flash Sentry''' &lt;small&gt;(close friend)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Sandalwood''' &lt;small&gt;(secondary close friend)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Bulk Biceps'''
* '''Micro Chips'''
* '''Cutie Mark Crusaders'''
* '''Blueberry Cake'''
* '''Other C.H.S. students'''
* '''Dean Cadance'''
* '''Gloriosa Daisy'''
* '''Timber Spruce''' &lt;small&gt;(tertiary close friend)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Canter Zoom'''
* '''Juniper Montage'''
* '''Chestnut Magnifico'''
* '''Wallflower Blush'''
* '''Vignette Valencia'''
* '''PostCrush'''

===Enemies===
* '''Sunset Shimmer''' &lt;small&gt;(sometimes; when she accidentally got her feelings hurt)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Dazzlings'''
* '''Shadowbolts''' &lt;small&gt;(former arch-rivals)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Principal Cinch''' &lt;small&gt;(archenemy)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Gaia Everfree'''
* '''Juniper Montage''' &lt;small&gt;(formerly)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Wallflower Blush''' &lt;small&gt;(formerly)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Vignette Valencia''' &lt;small&gt;(formerly)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''PostCrush''' &lt;small&gt;(formerly)&lt;/small&gt;

===Likes===
* '''Parties'''
* '''Balloons'''
* '''Party cannons'''
* '''Decorations'''
* '''Party banners'''
* '''Her two best friends'''
* '''Pizza'''
* '''Lemonade'''
* '''Churros'''
* '''Cookies'''
* '''Cupcakes'''
* '''Froyo with toppings'''

===Dislikes===
* '''Being yelled at by Sunset'''
* '''Her feelings being hurt'''
* '''Topping-less froyo'''

===Voice===
* '''[[w:Andrea Libman|Andrea Libman]]''' &lt;small&gt;(speaking; 2013–present)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''[[w:Shannon Chan-Kent|Shannon Chan-Kent]]''' &lt;small&gt;(singing; 2013–2019)&lt;/small&gt;

==External Links==
{{wikipedia}}
[[Category:2013 films]]
[[Category:2010s American animated films]]
[[Category:American animated TV films]]
[[Category:Canadian animated films]]
[[Category:American flash animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Film spin-offs]]
[[Category:Equestria Girls films]]</text>
      <sha1>dpxkusfsct3s20n8n986al3qeqzuvmd</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Rainbow Rocks</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>207433</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147762</id>
      <parentid>3137811</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T21:03:51Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:4041:51:9D00:7CA9:B7A5:A6D5:1CC1</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="11231" xml:space="preserve">{{stub}}
{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Rainbow Rocks|My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Rainbow Rocks]]''''' is a 2014 Flash animated fantasy musical film based on Hasbro's Equestria Girls toy line and media franchise, which is a spin-off of the 2010 relaunch of My Little Pony.

== Dialogue ==
:''[Sunset Shimmer, or always simply known as Sunset, gives the Dazzlings a tour of Canterlot High]''
:'''Sunset Shimmer''': That's the science lab. Computer lab's in there. Oh! ''[shows a poster of the Musical Showcase]'' We're having a big musical showcase this weekend. The whole school is pretty much rallying around it. 
:'''Adagio Dazzle''': A... musical showcase?
:''[They look at each other mischievously]''
:'''Sunset''': I’m sure since you’re new, Principal Celestia would let you sign up if you’re interested.
:'''Aria Blaze''': We ''have'' been known to sing from time to time.
:'''Sonata Dusk''': Hello?! We sing, like...''all'' the time. It’s how we get people to do what we want.
:''[Adagio motions for her to be quiet]''
:'''Sonata''': What did I say?
:'''Adagio''': What you meant to say, was that being in a musical showcase sounds like a great way to meet other students.
:'''Sonata''': ''[giggles]'' Oh, yeah, what you said I meant to say, that’s what I meant. To say.
:'''Aria''': ''[groans]'' And what you ''would'' have said if you weren't... the worst. 
:'''Sonata''': ''You'' are!
:'''Adagio''': You'll have to excuse them. They’re idiots.
:'''Both''': Hmph!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Dazzlings are about to cause the students in the cafeteria to argue with their singing]''
:'''Adagio''': This is it, girls. The moment we’ve been waiting for...
:'''Sonata''': Lunch?!!
:'''Adagio''': Ugh! The chance to get our true Equestrian magic back.
:'''Sonata''': Oh. Right. 
:'''Adagio''': Our voices are just strong enough to make them want something so badly, they’ll fight to get it.
:'''Aria''': So, we’re just going to do what we ''always do?'' Stir up some trouble and then feed off the negative energy? Some plan, Adagio.
:'''Adagio''': It won’t be the same as the times before! There is Equestrian magic here, their negative energy will give us the power we need to get this entire world to do our bidding. 
:'''Sonata''': But we can get lunch ''after'', though, right? ''[She sees a poster announcing Taco Tuesday so much to Adagio's confusion]'' It's Taco Tuesday!!!
:'''Adagio''': Just follow my lead.
:'''Aria''': Or ''my'' lead.
:'''Adagio''': '''''My''''' lead ''(, and that's final)''!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Princess Twilight Sparkle''': The way Sunset Shimmer described them; these new girls sound an awful lot like... the Sirens.
:'''Pony Pinkie Pie''': '''''NOT THE SIRENS!!!!!''''' ''[whispers]'' I don't actually know what that is.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Adagio''': ''[faking concern]'' Oh, no! No one's mingling! It's like... there’s some kind of underlying tension that could bubble to the surface at any minute. 
:'''Sonata''': It’s the fruit punch, isn’t it? I knew I used too much grape juice!
:'''Adagio''': It’s not the fruit punch! It’s ''us!''
:'''Aria''': But the punch is awful too.
:'''Sonata''': What do ''you'' know about good fruit punch?!
:'''Aria''': More than you. 
:'''Sonata''': Do not.
:'''Aria''': Do ''too''.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Before the Rainbooms perform in the first round of the Battle of the Bands]''
:'''Pinkie Pie:''' Where’s Rarity?
:'''Rarity:''' Woo! Here, I’m here!
:''[Rarity enters wearing a rather flashy outfit]''
:'''Rarity:''' We will be performing in front of an audience! I’m not going to wear something fabulous? Hmph!
:''[Applejack groans and facepalms; the others roll their eyes except Twilight, who hangs her head]''

== Character Animation ==
=== [[w:Twilight Sparkle|Princess Twilight Sparkle]] ===
==== Supervising Animator ====
* '''[[w:Lauren Faust|Lauren J. Faust]]'''

==== Speaking Voice ====
* '''[[w:Tara Strong|Tara Strong]]'''

==== Singing Voice ====
* '''[[w:Rebecca Shoichet|Rebecca Shoichet]]'''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
=== Applejack &amp; Rainbow Dash ===
==== Supervising Animator ====
* '''Ishi Rudell'''

==== Voice ====
* '''[[w:Ashleigh Ball|Ashleigh Ball]]''' &lt;small&gt;(speaking and singing)&lt;/small&gt;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
=== Pinkie Pie &amp; Fluttershy ===
==== Supervising Animators ====
* '''Devon Cody'''
* '''Sarah Wall'''

==== Voice ====
* '''[[w:Andrea Libman|Andrea Libman]]''' &lt;small&gt;(Pinkie Pie speaking only and Fluttershy speaking and singing only)&lt;/small&gt;

==== Singing Voice of Pinkie Pie ====
* '''[[w:Shannon Chan-Kent|Shannon Chan-Kent]]'''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
=== Rarity ===
==== Supervising Animator ====
* '''[[w:Meghan McCarthy|Meghan McCarthy]]'''

==== Speaking Voice ====
* '''[[w:Tabitha St. Germain|Tabitha St. Germain]]'''

==== Singing Voice ====
* '''[[w:Kazumi Evans|Kazumi Evans]]'''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
=== Spike ===
==== Supervising Animator ====
* '''Rachel Kenzie'''

==== Voice ====
* '''[[w:Cathy Weseluck|Cathy Weseluck]]'''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
=== Sunset Shimmer ===
==== Supervising Animator ====
* '''Mark Kuehnel'''

==== Speaking and Singing Voice ====
* '''[[w:Rebecca Shoichet|Rebecca Shoichet]]'''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
=== The Dazzlings ===
==== Supervising Animator ====
* '''Stephen Davis'''

==== Voices ====
* Adagio Dazzle — '''[[w:Kazumi Evans|Kazumi Evans]]''' &lt;small&gt;(speaking and singing)&lt;/small&gt;
* Sonata Dusk — '''[[w:Maryke Hendrikse|Marÿke Hendrikse]]''' &lt;small&gt;(speaking)&lt;/small&gt;
* Aria Blaze — '''[[w:Diana Kaarina|Diana Kaarina]]''' &lt;small&gt;(speaking)&lt;/small&gt;

==== Singing Voices ====
* Sonata Dusk — '''[[w:Madeline Merlo|Madeline Merlo]]'''
* Aria Blaze — '''Shylo Sharity'''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
=== Principal Celestia &amp; Vice Principal Luna ===
==== Supervising Animator ====
* '''[[w:Jayson Thiessen|Jayson Thiessen]]'''

==== Voice of Principal Celestia ====
* '''[[w:Nicole Oliver|Nicole Oliver]]'''

==== Voice of Vice Principal Luna ====
* '''[[w:Tabitha St. Germain|Tabitha St. Germain]]'''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
=== Trixie Lulamoon, Flash Sentry, Big Mac, Apple Bloom &amp; Photo Finish ===
==== Supervising Animator ====
* '''Josh Haber'''

==== Voices ====
* Trixie Lulamoon — '''[[w:Kathleen Barr|Kathleen Barr]]'''
* Flash Sentry — '''[[w:Vincent Tong (voice actor)|Vincent Tong]]'''
* Big Mac — '''[[w:Peter New|Peter New]]'''
* Apple Bloom — '''[[w:Michelle Creber|Michelle Creber]]'''
* Photo Finish — '''[[w:Tabitha St. Germain|Tabitha St. Germain]]'''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
=== Maud Pie ===
==== Supervising Animator ====
* '''Joanna Lewis'''

==== Voice ====
* '''Ingrid Nilson'''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
=== Snips &amp; Snails ===
==== Supervising Animator ====
* '''[[w:Joe Ballarini|Joseph Ballarini]]'''

==== Voice of Snips ====
* '''[[w:Lee Tockar|Lee William Tockar]]'''

==== Voice of Snails ====
* '''[[w:Richard Ian Cox|Richard Ian Cox]]'''

== Cast ==
* Twilight Sparkle — '''[[w:Tara Strong|Tara Strong]]'''
* Applejack &amp; Rainbow Dash — '''[[w:Ashleigh Ball|Ashleigh Ball]]'''
* Pinkie Pie &amp; Fluttershy — '''[[w:Andrea Libman|Andrea Libman]]'''
* Rarity,&lt;br&gt;Vice Principal Luna &amp; Photo Finish — '''[[w:Tabitha St. Germain|Tabitha St. Germain]]'''
* Spike — '''[[w:Cathy Weseluck|Cathy Weseluck]]'''
* Sunset Shimmer — '''[[w:Rebecca Shoichet|Rebecca Shoichet]]'''
* Adagio Dazzle — '''[[w:Kazumi Evans|Kazumi Evans]]'''
* Sonata Dusk — '''[[w:Maryke Hendrikse|Marÿke Hendrikse]]'''
* Aria Blaze — '''[[w:Diana Kaarina|Diana Kaarina]]'''
* Flash Sentry — '''[[w:Vincent Tong (voice actor)|Vincent Tong]]'''
* Trixie Lulamoon — '''[[w:Kathleen Barr|Kathleen Barr]]'''
* Principal Celestia — '''[[w:Nicole Oliver|Nicole Oliver]]'''
* Snips — '''[[w:Lee Tockar|Lee William Tockar]]'''
* Snails — '''[[w:Richard Ian Cox|Richard Ian Cox]]'''
* Apple Bloom — '''[[w:Michelle Creber|Michelle Creber]]'''
* Delivery Pony — '''[[w:Brian Drummond|Brian Drummond]]'''
* Maud Pie — '''Ingrid Nilson'''
* Big Mac — '''[[w:Peter New|Peter New]]'''

== Sunset Shimmer ==
=== Full name ===
* '''Sunset Shimmer'''

=== Aliases ===
* '''Sunset''' &lt;small&gt;(shortly)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''SunShim'''

=== Occupations ===
* '''Twilight Sparkle's student''' &lt;small&gt;(prior to ''Forgotten Friendship'')&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Princess Celestia's student''' &lt;small&gt;(formerly)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Student of C.H.S.'''
* '''Wondercolt'''
* '''Rainbooms' rhythm guitarist'''
* '''Graffito'''
* '''Sushi chef'''
* '''Fan of PostCrush'''
* '''Twilight's commander and partner'''
* '''Leader of the Equestria Girls'''

=== Alignment ===
* '''Bad, later good, sometimes neutral'''

=== Pets ===
* '''Ray''' &lt;small&gt;(gecko)&lt;/small&gt;

=== Allies ===
* '''Princess Twilight Sparkle'''
* '''Spike the Dragon'''
* '''Princess Celestia'''
* '''Princess Luna'''
* '''Applejack'''
* '''Fluttershy'''
* '''Rarity'''
* '''Pinkie Pie''' &lt;small&gt;(best friend)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Twilight Sparkle''' &lt;small&gt;(good friend)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Rainbow Dash'''
* '''Spike the Dog'''
* '''Principal Celestia'''
* '''Vice Principal Luna'''
* '''Mr. Cranky Doodle'''
* '''Ms. Cheerilee'''
* '''Flash Sentry''' &lt;small&gt;(close friend and possible love interest)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Sandalwood'''
* '''Micro Chips'''
* '''Bulk Biceps'''
* '''Snips and Snails''' &lt;small&gt;(close friends and former henchmen)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Trixie Lulamoon''' &lt;small&gt;(good friend and partner)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Other C.H.S. students'''
* '''Dean Cadance'''
* '''Gloriosa Daisy'''
* '''Timber Spruce'''
* '''Canter Zoom'''
* '''Juniper Montage'''
* '''Chestnut Magnifico'''
* '''Starlight Glimmer''' &lt;small&gt;(friend)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Wallflower Blush'''
* '''Vignette Valencia'''
* '''PostCrush''' &lt;small&gt;(idols)&lt;/small&gt;

=== Minions ===
* '''Applejack'''
* '''Fluttershy'''
* '''Rarity'''
* '''Pinkie Pie'''
* '''Twilight Sparkle''' &lt;small&gt;(partner and second-in-command)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Rainbow Dash'''

=== Enemies ===
* '''Princess Twilight Sparkle''' &lt;small&gt;(formerly)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Pinkie Pie''' &lt;small&gt;(sometimes; after she accidentally hurt her feelings)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Adagio Dazzle''' &lt;small&gt;(archenemy)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Shadowbolts''' &lt;small&gt;(former arch-rivals)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Principal Cinch'''
* '''Gaia Everfree'''
* '''Juniper Montage''' &lt;small&gt;(formerly)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Wallflower Blush''' &lt;small&gt;(formerly)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Vignette Valencia''' &lt;small&gt;(formerly)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''PostCrush''' &lt;small&gt;(formerly)&lt;/small&gt;

=== Likes ===
* '''Her friends'''
* '''Sushi'''
* '''Books'''
* '''PostCrush'''
* '''Her best friend, Pinkie'''

=== Dislikes ===
* '''Yelling at Pinkie and getting mad at her'''
* '''Losing her friends'''
* '''Her friends forgetting about her'''
* '''Being alone'''

=== Voice ===
* '''[[w:Rebecca Shoichet|Rebecca Shoichet]]''' &lt;small&gt;(speaking and singing; 2013–present)&lt;/small&gt;

== External Links ==
{{wikipedia}}
[[Category:2014 films]]
[[Category:2010s American animated films]]
[[Category:Canadian animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Flash animated films]]
[[Category:Film spin-offs]]
[[Category:Animated television films]]
[[Category:Equestria Girls films]]</text>
      <sha1>g4ezg8wcvr9kenhks7m8cyvocow7h8j</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Friendship Games</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>207434</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147760</id>
      <parentid>3137812</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T21:02:20Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:4041:51:9D00:7CA9:B7A5:A6D5:1CC1</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="8661" xml:space="preserve">{{DISPLAYTITLE:''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Friendship Games''}}
'''''[[w:My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Friendship Games|My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Friendship Games]]''''' is a 2015 flash animated musical sports fantasy film sequel to 2014's ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Rainbow Rocks]]'', written by Josh Haber and directed by Ishi Rudell.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Sunset Shimmer:''' I got your text, Rainbow Dash! Did something come through the portal? Is Equestrian magic on the loose? Did Twilight come back with a problem that only we can solve?!
:'''Pinkie Pie:''' Has a giant cake monster covered all the cakes in the world in cake?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rainbow Dash:''' Well, you don't have to. Because I've totally figured out who it was!
:'''Pinkie Pie:''' Ooh, ooh! A nighttime statue cleaner? A magical portal maintenance maintainer? A gardener?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rainbow Dash:''' I know a lot of you might think that there's no way we can beat a fancy school like Crystal Prep at anything.
:'''Pinkie Pie:''' Unless it's a &quot;losing to Crystal Prep&quot; competition! 'Cause we're really good at that!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rainbow Dash:''' Anybody have any guesses on what the events are gonna be?
:'''Pinkie Pie:''' Pie eating? Cake eating? [gasps] Pie-cake eating?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Indigo Zap:''' Are we gonna win?!?!
:'''Twilight Sparkle (Human):''' I...I don't know.
:'''Indigo Zap:''' Wrong answer, try again! Are...we gonna...win?!?!
:'''Twilight Sparkle (Human):''' Um...I guess? I-It's just...I mean...I heard that CHS is doing well now. With their reputation. And, I mean, it's not better than ours, of course. But we can't let them do it, you know? Win, I mean? Right?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Twilight Sparkle (Human):''' Hi, Sugarcoat.
:'''Sugarcoat:''' That was a really bad speech. You should consider not speaking in public.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Twilight Sparkle (Human):''' Hi. I'm Twilight.
:'''Pinkie Pie:''' I know. You look just like my friend. Her name is Twilight too.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rarity:''' And while Sunset works on keeping the magic out of the games, I've been working on what to put in! [giggles] 
:'''Applejack:''' Rarity, what'd you go an' do?
:'''Rarity:''' Well, I have a lot of time on my hands, and since we don't know what the Friendship Games' events are, I made a few options for uniforms!
:'''Rainbow Dash:''' You really didn't have to do that.
:'''Rarity:''' I know.
:'''Applejack:''' No. You really didn't have to.
:'''Rarity:''' I know! [giggles]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Twilight Sparkle (Human):''' I'm sorry! It just started absorbing energy on its own! But I'm not sure how! 
:'''Sunset Shimmer:''' What do you mean you know how?! 
:'''Twilight Sparkle (Human):''' It also causes these corresponding rifts to appear! I don't know how that works either.
:'''Sunset Shimmer:''' Is there anything you do know?! Like how to get our magic back?! Or how to fix the portal Equestria?!
:'''Twilight Sparkle (Human):''' Equestria?
:'''Sunset Shimmer:''' You're supposed to be smart, but did you ever think that you shouldn't be messing around with things you don't                              understand?!
:'''Twilight Sparkle (Human):''' but I wanna understand!
:'''Sunset Shimmer:''' But you don't! And worst of all, YOU PUT THE LIVES OF MY FRIENDS IN DANGER!!!!
:'''Twilight Sparkle: (Human):''' I'm sorry I-I didn't mean to... [starts crying, and runs off]
:'''Puppy Spike:''' Twilight, wait! [Spike runs after her]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Principal Celestia:''' I didn't know Twilight had a twin sister.
:'''Pinkie Pie:''' She doesn't! That Twilight is obviously the Twilight from this world since it couldn't possibly be the Twilight from the pony world since the Twilight from the pony world doesn't go to Crystal Prep or wear glasses!
:'''Principal Celestia:''' Never mind.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Twilight Sparkle (Human):''' ''[stands up, at Sour Sweet]'' Oh, sorry. Why don't you go ahead?
:'''Sour Sweet:''' ''[acting nice]'' You are such a sweetie! ''[then, harsh]'' I am watching you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Puppy Spike:''' Why did you run away like that?
:'''Twilight Sparkle (Human):''' Um, I don't know. Maybe it has something to do with the glowing girl, or the hole in space. Or my talking dog!
:'''Puppy Spike:''' Yeah. Weird, right?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Principal Cinch:''' Principal Celestia, on behalf of Crystal Prep, I demand that you forfeit The Friendship Games! Clearly, CHS has had an unfair advantage for quite some time! And it's certain your own students have been using magic for their own benefit!
:'''Principal Celestia:''' I'd like to think that saving the world benefits us all.
:'''Sugarcoat:''' ''[at a fast pace]'' At least they didn't manipulate Twilight into releasing all the stolen magic and turning into a power-crazed magical creature that tried to rip the world apart just to win a game.
:''[beat]''
:'''Pinkie Pie:''' Wow! That's a lot to take in when you say it all at once.
:'''Principal Cinch:''' That's ridiculous!
:'''Puppy Spike:''' Nope, that's pretty much what happened.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Principal Cinch:''' Obviously my students have been infected with your magic, but I plan on taking all of this up with the school board!
:'''Principal Celestia:''' Good. I'm sure they would be very interested in hearing all about the magical students with wings.
:'''Vice Principal Luna:''' Oh, and the portals to different dimensions.
:'''Dean Cadance:''' And don't forget to tell them about the talking dog. ''[giggles]''
:'''Puppy Spike:''' Because that would ''never'' ruin your reputation.

== Twilight Sparkle (Sci-Twi) ==
=== Full name ===
* '''Twilight Sparkle'''

=== Aliases ===
* '''Sci-Twi'''
* '''Twilly'''
* '''Twi'''
* '''Midnight Sparkle''' &lt;small&gt;(alter-ego)&lt;/small&gt;

=== Occupations ===
* '''Scientist'''
* '''Student of C.P.A.''' &lt;small&gt;(formerly)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Shadowbolt''' &lt;small&gt;(formerly)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Student of C.H.S.'''
* '''Wondercolt'''
* '''Rainbooms' backup vocalist'''
* '''Canterlot Mall Electronics Store employee'''
* '''Sunset's second-in-command and partner'''
* '''Co-leader of the Equestria Girls'''

=== Alignment ===
* '''Good'''

=== Relatives ===
* '''Shining Armor''' &lt;small&gt;(older brother)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Dean Cadance''' &lt;small&gt;(sister-in-law)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''[[w:Twilight Sparkle|Princess Twilight Sparkle]]''' &lt;small&gt;(&quot;twin sister&quot;)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Timber Spruce''' &lt;small&gt;(boyfriend)&lt;/small&gt;

=== Pets ===
* '''Spike''' &lt;small&gt;(dog)&lt;/small&gt;

=== Allies ===
* '''Spike the Dragon'''
* '''Applejack'''
* '''Fluttershy''' &lt;small&gt;(good friend)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Rarity''' &lt;small&gt;(good friend)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Pinkie Pie''' &lt;small&gt;(best friend, partner and sidekick)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Sunset Shimmer''' &lt;small&gt;(good friend)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Rainbow Dash'''
* '''Principal Celestia'''
* '''Vice Principal Luna'''
* '''Mr. Cranky Doodle'''
* '''Ms. Cheerilee'''
* '''Flash Sentry''' &lt;small&gt;(possible crush)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Sandalwood'''
* '''Micro Chips'''
* '''Other C.H.S. students'''
* '''Shadowbolts'''
* '''Principal Cinch''' &lt;small&gt;(formerly)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Gloriosa Daisy'''
* '''Canter Zoom'''
* '''Juniper Montage'''
* '''Chestnut Magnifico'''
* '''Starlight Glimmer'''
* '''Wallflower Blush'''
* '''Vignette Valencia'''

=== Minions ===
* '''Applejack'''
* '''Fluttershy'''
* '''Rarity'''
* '''Pinkie Pie'''
* '''Sunset Shimmer''' &lt;small&gt;(partner, leader and commander)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Rainbow Dash'''

=== Enemies ===
* '''Midnight Sparkle''' &lt;small&gt;(alter-ego)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Principal Cinch'''
* '''Gaia Everfree''' &lt;small&gt;(Gloriosa's alter-ego; archenemy)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Juniper Montage''' &lt;small&gt;(formerly)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Wallflower Blush''' &lt;small&gt;(formerly)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Vignette Valencia''' &lt;small&gt;(formerly)&lt;/small&gt;

=== Likes ===
* '''Her friends'''
* '''Science'''
* '''Inventions'''
* '''Math'''
* '''Her best friend, Pinkie'''
* '''Sushi'''
* '''Lemonade'''

=== Dislikes ===
* '''Pinkie giving her a headache'''

=== Voice ===
* '''[[w:Tara Strong|Tara Strong]]''' &lt;small&gt;(speaking; 2014–present)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''[[w:Rebecca Shoichet|Rebecca Shoichet]]''' &lt;small&gt;(singing; 2015–2018)&lt;/small&gt;

== External Links ==
{{wikipedia}}
[[Category:2015 films]]
[[Category:2010s American animated films]]
[[Category:American animated TV films]]
[[Category:Canadian animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:American flash animated films]]
[[Category:Equestria Girls films]]
[[Category:Sequel films]]</text>
      <sha1>b9tzvgvxzplzzu5cuskt6j42pze4vty</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147763</id>
      <parentid>3147760</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T21:04:20Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:4041:51:9D00:7CA9:B7A5:A6D5:1CC1</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="8639" xml:space="preserve">{{DISPLAYTITLE:''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Friendship Games''}}
'''''[[w:My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Friendship Games|My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Friendship Games]]''''' is a 2015 flash animated musical sports fantasy film sequel to 2014's ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Rainbow Rocks]]'', written by Josh Haber and directed by Ishi Rudell.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Sunset Shimmer:''' I got your text, Rainbow Dash! Did something come through the portal? Is Equestrian magic on the loose? Did Twilight come back with a problem that only we can solve?!
:'''Pinkie Pie:''' Has a giant cake monster covered all the cakes in the world in cake?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rainbow Dash:''' Well, you don't have to. Because I've totally figured out who it was!
:'''Pinkie Pie:''' Ooh, ooh! A nighttime statue cleaner? A magical portal maintenance maintainer? A gardener?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rainbow Dash:''' I know a lot of you might think that there's no way we can beat a fancy school like Crystal Prep at anything.
:'''Pinkie Pie:''' Unless it's a &quot;losing to Crystal Prep&quot; competition! 'Cause we're really good at that!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rainbow Dash:''' Anybody have any guesses on what the events are gonna be?
:'''Pinkie Pie:''' Pie eating? Cake eating? [gasps] Pie-cake eating?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Indigo Zap:''' Are we gonna win?!?!
:'''Twilight Sparkle (Human):''' I...I don't know.
:'''Indigo Zap:''' Wrong answer, try again! Are...we gonna...win?!?!
:'''Twilight Sparkle (Human):''' Um...I guess? I-It's just...I mean...I heard that CHS is doing well now. With their reputation. And, I mean, it's not better than ours, of course. But we can't let them do it, you know? Win, I mean? Right?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Twilight Sparkle (Human):''' Hi, Sugarcoat.
:'''Sugarcoat:''' That was a really bad speech. You should consider not speaking in public.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Twilight Sparkle (Human):''' Hi. I'm Twilight.
:'''Pinkie Pie:''' I know. You look just like my friend. Her name is Twilight too.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rarity:''' And while Sunset works on keeping the magic out of the games, I've been working on what to put in! [giggles] 
:'''Applejack:''' Rarity, what'd you go an' do?
:'''Rarity:''' Well, I have a lot of time on my hands, and since we don't know what the Friendship Games' events are, I made a few options for uniforms!
:'''Rainbow Dash:''' You really didn't have to do that.
:'''Rarity:''' I know.
:'''Applejack:''' No. You really didn't have to.
:'''Rarity:''' I know! [giggles]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Twilight Sparkle (Human):''' I'm sorry! It just started absorbing energy on its own! But I'm not sure how! 
:'''Sunset Shimmer:''' What do you mean you know how?! 
:'''Twilight Sparkle (Human):''' It also causes these corresponding rifts to appear! I don't know how that works either.
:'''Sunset Shimmer:''' Is there anything you do know?! Like how to get our magic back?! Or how to fix the portal Equestria?!
:'''Twilight Sparkle (Human):''' Equestria?
:'''Sunset Shimmer:''' You're supposed to be smart, but did you ever think that you shouldn't be messing around with things you don't                              understand?!
:'''Twilight Sparkle (Human):''' but I wanna understand!
:'''Sunset Shimmer:''' But you don't! And worst of all, YOU PUT THE LIVES OF MY FRIENDS IN DANGER!!!!
:'''Twilight Sparkle: (Human):''' I'm sorry I-I didn't mean to... [starts crying, and runs off]
:'''Puppy Spike:''' Twilight, wait! [Spike runs after her]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Principal Celestia:''' I didn't know Twilight had a twin sister.
:'''Pinkie Pie:''' She doesn't! That Twilight is obviously the Twilight from this world since it couldn't possibly be the Twilight from the pony world since the Twilight from the pony world doesn't go to Crystal Prep or wear glasses!
:'''Principal Celestia:''' Never mind.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Twilight Sparkle (Human):''' ''[stands up, at Sour Sweet]'' Oh, sorry. Why don't you go ahead?
:'''Sour Sweet:''' ''[acting nice]'' You are such a sweetie! ''[then, harsh]'' I am watching you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Puppy Spike:''' Why did you run away like that?
:'''Twilight Sparkle (Human):''' Um, I don't know. Maybe it has something to do with the glowing girl, or the hole in space. Or my talking dog!
:'''Puppy Spike:''' Yeah. Weird, right?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Principal Cinch:''' Principal Celestia, on behalf of Crystal Prep, I demand that you forfeit The Friendship Games! Clearly, CHS has had an unfair advantage for quite some time! And it's certain your own students have been using magic for their own benefit!
:'''Principal Celestia:''' I'd like to think that saving the world benefits us all.
:'''Sugarcoat:''' ''[at a fast pace]'' At least they didn't manipulate Twilight into releasing all the stolen magic and turning into a power-crazed magical creature that tried to rip the world apart just to win a game.
:''[beat]''
:'''Pinkie Pie:''' Wow! That's a lot to take in when you say it all at once.
:'''Principal Cinch:''' That's ridiculous!
:'''Puppy Spike:''' Nope, that's pretty much what happened.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Principal Cinch:''' Obviously my students have been infected with your magic, but I plan on taking all of this up with the school board!
:'''Principal Celestia:''' Good. I'm sure they would be very interested in hearing all about the magical students with wings.
:'''Vice Principal Luna:''' Oh, and the portals to different dimensions.
:'''Dean Cadance:''' And don't forget to tell them about the talking dog. ''[giggles]''
:'''Puppy Spike:''' Because that would ''never'' ruin your reputation.

== Twilight Sparkle (Sci-Twi) ==
=== Full name ===
* '''Twilight Sparkle'''

=== Aliases ===
* '''Sci-Twi'''
* '''Twilly'''
* '''Twi'''
* '''Midnight Sparkle''' &lt;small&gt;(alter-ego)&lt;/small&gt;

=== Occupations ===
* '''Scientist'''
* '''Student of C.P.A.''' &lt;small&gt;(formerly)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Shadowbolt''' &lt;small&gt;(formerly)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Student of C.H.S.'''
* '''Wondercolt'''
* '''Rainbooms' backup vocalist'''
* '''Canterlot Mall Electronics Store employee'''
* '''Sunset's second-in-command and partner'''
* '''Co-leader of the Equestria Girls'''

=== Alignment ===
* '''Good'''

=== Relatives ===
* '''Shining Armor''' &lt;small&gt;(older brother)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Dean Cadance''' &lt;small&gt;(sister-in-law)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''[[w:Twilight Sparkle|Princess Twilight Sparkle]]''' &lt;small&gt;(&quot;twin sister&quot;)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Timber Spruce''' &lt;small&gt;(boyfriend)&lt;/small&gt;

=== Pets ===
* '''Spike''' &lt;small&gt;(dog)&lt;/small&gt;

=== Allies ===
* '''Spike the Dragon'''
* '''Applejack'''
* '''Fluttershy''' &lt;small&gt;(good friend)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Rarity''' &lt;small&gt;(good friend)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Pinkie Pie''' &lt;small&gt;(best friend)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Sunset Shimmer''' &lt;small&gt;(good friend)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Rainbow Dash'''
* '''Principal Celestia'''
* '''Vice Principal Luna'''
* '''Mr. Cranky Doodle'''
* '''Ms. Cheerilee'''
* '''Flash Sentry''' &lt;small&gt;(possible crush)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Sandalwood'''
* '''Micro Chips'''
* '''Other C.H.S. students'''
* '''Shadowbolts'''
* '''Principal Cinch''' &lt;small&gt;(formerly)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Gloriosa Daisy'''
* '''Canter Zoom'''
* '''Juniper Montage'''
* '''Chestnut Magnifico'''
* '''Starlight Glimmer'''
* '''Wallflower Blush'''
* '''Vignette Valencia'''

=== Minions ===
* '''Applejack'''
* '''Fluttershy'''
* '''Rarity'''
* '''Pinkie Pie'''
* '''Sunset Shimmer''' &lt;small&gt;(partner, leader and commander)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Rainbow Dash'''

=== Enemies ===
* '''Midnight Sparkle''' &lt;small&gt;(alter-ego)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Principal Cinch'''
* '''Gaia Everfree''' &lt;small&gt;(Gloriosa's alter-ego; archenemy)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Juniper Montage''' &lt;small&gt;(formerly)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Wallflower Blush''' &lt;small&gt;(formerly)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Vignette Valencia''' &lt;small&gt;(formerly)&lt;/small&gt;

=== Likes ===
* '''Her friends'''
* '''Science'''
* '''Inventions'''
* '''Math'''
* '''Her best friend, Pinkie'''
* '''Sushi'''
* '''Lemonade'''

=== Dislikes ===
* '''Pinkie giving her a headache'''

=== Voice ===
* '''[[w:Tara Strong|Tara Strong]]''' &lt;small&gt;(speaking; 2014–present)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''[[w:Rebecca Shoichet|Rebecca Shoichet]]''' &lt;small&gt;(singing; 2015–2018)&lt;/small&gt;

== External Links ==
{{wikipedia}}
[[Category:2015 films]]
[[Category:2010s American animated films]]
[[Category:American animated TV films]]
[[Category:Canadian animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:American flash animated films]]
[[Category:Equestria Girls films]]
[[Category:Sequel films]]</text>
      <sha1>9p5wi8mcpnxbnn5o18zr6evjy8ptli7</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Minhaj-i-Siraj</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>212494</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147418</id>
      <parentid>3120373</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T13:30:30Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="8493" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Aman|Abu Osman Minhajuddin bin Sirajuddin]]''', also known as '''Aman''' (1193 — 1260) was a 13th-century persian historian born in the Ghurid capital city of Firuzkuh, which was located in Ghor Province.  Minhaj-i-Siraj was the principal historian for the Mamluk Sultanate of Delhi in northern India, and wrote of the Ghurid dynasty. He also wrote the [[w:Tabaqat-i Nasiri |Tabaqat-i Nasiri ]]  for [[w:Sultan Nasiruddin Mahmud Shah|Sultan Nasiruddin Mahmud Shah]] of Delhi.

==Quotes==

*The greater number of inhabitants of that place were Barahmans, and the whole of those Brahmans had their heads shaven, and they were all slain. There were a great number of books there; and when all these books came under the observation of the Musalmans, they summoned a number of Hindus that they might give them information respecting the import of those books; but the whole of the Hindus had been killed. On being acquainted (with the contents of the books), it was found that the whole of that fortress and city was a college, and in the Hindu tongue, they call a college, Bihar [vihara].
**[[w:Minhaj-i-Siraj|Maulana Minhaj-ud-din]], [[w:Tabaqat-i Nasiri|Tabakat-i-Nasiri]], H.G Raverty [trans.], Volume I, Asiatic Society of Bengal, 1881, reprinted by Oriental Books Reprint Corporation, Delhi, 1970, pp. 548–53. quoted in [[Shourie, Arun]] (2014). Eminent historians: Their technology, their line, their fraud. Noida, Uttar Pradesh, India : HarperCollins Publishers.
**Also in [[Elliot and Dowson]], The History of India, Vol.II, p.306, with different translation: &quot;most of inhabitants were Brahmins with shaven heads. They were put to death. Large number of books were found there, and, when the Muhammadans saw them, they called for some persons to explain their contents, but all the men had been killed. It was discovered that the whole fort and city was a place of study. In the Hindi language the word Behar (vihar) means a college&quot;.
**About  Bakhtiyar Khilji conquests in Bihar

*Turks of pure lineage and Tajiks of noble birth could not tolerate … the tribes of Hind to rule over them.
**Minhaj Jurjani, quoted from K.S. Lal, Indian Muslims, who are they (2012)

*[Minhaj Siraj describes:] “The Maliks and servants of the Sultan’s Court were all Turks of pure lineage” (Turkan-i-pak) writes he, and Taziks of noble birth (Tazikan-i-guzida was). “Imad-ud-Din Rayhan (who) was castrated and mutilated, and of the tribe of Hind, was ruling over the heads of lords of high descent, and the whole of them were loathing that state, and were unable to suffer any longer that degradation.”... 
** Minhaj Siraj quoted from Lal, K. S. (1994). Muslim slave system in medieval India. New Delhi: Aditya Prakashan. Chapter 7

*'When Sultan Mahmud ascended the throne of sovereignty, his illustrious deeds became manifest unto all mankind within the pale of Islam when he converted so many thousands of [[idol]] [[temple]]s into masjids. He led an army to Nahrwalah of Gujarat, and brought away Manat, the [[idol]], from Somnath, and had it broken into four parts, one of which was cast before the entrance of the great Masjid at Ghaznin, the second before the gateway of the Sultan's palace, and the third and fourth were sent to Makkah and Madinah respectively.
**Maulana Minhaj-us-Siraj: Tabqat-i-Nasiri, translated into English by Major H.G. Reverty, New [[Delhi]] Reprint, 1970, Vol. I, pp. 81-82.

*[Among the different coins struck in Mahmud's reign one bore the following inscription:] &quot;The right hand of the empire, Mahmud Sultan, son of Nasir-ud-Din Subuk-Tigin, Breaker of Idols.&quot; 
**Maulana Minhaj-us-Siraj:  Tabqat-i-Nasiri, translated into English by Major H.G. Reverty, New [[Delhi]] Reprint, 1970, Vol. I,p. 88, footnote 2.

*Sultan Mahmud’s “court was guarded by four thousand Turkish good looking and beardless (ghulam turk washaq) slave-youths, who, on days of public audience, were stationed on the right and left of throne,- two thousand of them with caps ornamented with four feathers, bearing golden maces, on the right hand, and the other two thousand, with caps adorned with two feathers, bearing silver maces, on the left… As these youths attained into man’s estate and their beards began to grow, they were attached to a separate corps, and placed occasionally under the command of rulers of provinces.”
** Minhaj, quoted in Lal, K. S. (1992). The legacy of Muslim rule in India. New Delhi: Aditya Prakashan. and Lal, K. S. (1994). Muslim slave system in medieval India. New Delhi: Aditya Prakashan.

*[Minhaj Siraj writes that] “Ulugh Khan Balban’s taking of captives, and his capture of the dependents of the great Ranas cannot be recounted”. ... “All the infidels’ wives, sons and dependents… and children… fell into the hands of the victors.” 
**Minhaj; in [[Elliot and Dowson]], II, As quoted from Lal, K. S. (1994). Muslim slave system in medieval India. New Delhi: Aditya Prakashan. Chapter 5 and in Lal, K. S. (1999). Theory and practice of Muslim state in India. New Delhi: Aditya Prakashan. Chapter 4 (About Ulug Khan Balban and his war in Avadh against Trailokyavarman of the Chandela dynasty)

* Ulugh Khan Balban attacked Karra in 1248; there, records Siraj, his ‘taking of captives and his capture of the dependents of the great Ranas (Hindu princes) cannot be counted.’ In attacking the Rana Dalaki wa Malaki, ‘He took prisoners the wives, sons, and dependents of that accursed one, and secured great booty.’dccx In 1252, Balban attacked and defeated the great Rana, Jahir Deo, of Malwa; ‘many captives fell into the hands of the victors,’ records Siraj.&lt;!---Ferishtah, Vol. I, p. 130, Elliot &amp; Dawson, Vol. II, p. 348; also Ferishtah, Vol. I, p. 131, Elliot &amp; Dawson, Vol. II, p. 351---&gt;
**quoted in M.A. Khan , Islamic Jihad: A legacy of forced conversion, imperialism and slavery (2011), quoting  quoting Elliot &amp; Dawson, Vol. II and Ferishtah Vol I. [https://archive.org/stream/cu31924073036729/cu31924073036729_djvu.txt]

* Subuktigin greatly rejoiced, and said, I name the child Mahmud. On  the same night that he was born, an idol temple in India, in the  vicinity of Parshawar, on the banks of the Sind, fell down. 
**in Elliot Dowson II, [https://archive.org/stream/cu31924073036729/cu31924073036729_djvu.txt]

*[L]ike fish out of water, and sick men without slumber, from night till morn, and from morn till night, they offered up their prayers to the Creator, supplicating him to let the dawn of Ulugh Khan’s prosperity break forth in splendour, and dispel with its brilliant light the gloom occasioned by his rival Rihan. The Almighty graciously gave ear to the prayers…. The nobles and servants of the State were all Turks of pure origin and Taziks of good stock, but ’Imddu-d din was an eunuch and impotent; he, moreover, belonged to one of the tribes of Hindustan. Notwithstanding all this he exercised authority over the heads of all these chiefs [emphasis added]. They were disgusted with this state of affairs and could no longer endure it. They suffered so much from the hands of the bullies who were retained by ’Imadu-d din, that for six months they could not leave their houses, nor could they even go to prayers on Fridays. How was it possible for Turks and Maliks, accustomed to power, rule, and warfare, to remain quiet under such ignominy? 
**Minhaju-s Siraj, “Tabaqat-i-Nasiri,”, 371. in     Sandeep Balakrishna - Invaders and Infidels_ From Sindh to Delhi_ The 500-Year Journey of Islamic Invasions. Bloomsbury India (2020)

===Poetry===
*That [[heart]] which, through separation, thou madest sad;&lt;br&gt;From every joy that was, which thou madest bare of;&lt;br&gt;From thy disposition I am aware that, suddenly and unexpectedly,&lt;br&gt;The rumour may arise that thou hast broken it.
**''Tabaqat-i Nasiri'',  p. 20
*The lip, in the ruby lips of [[heart]]-ravishes delighting,&lt;br&gt;And to ruffle the dishevelled tresses essaying,&lt;br&gt;To-day is delightful, but to-morrow it is not—&lt;br&gt;To make one's self like as straw, fuel for the fire.
**''Tabaqat-i Nasiri'',  p. 21

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

* [https://www.infinityfoundation.com/mandala/h_es/h_es_tabakat2.htm Quotes and extracts from the Tabakat-i Nasiri]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Minhaj-I-Siraj}}

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    <title>Reflections on the Revolution in France</title>
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'''''[[w:Reflections on the Revolution in France|Reflections on the Revolution in France]]''''' is a 1790 work by the Irish Whig MP and political philosopher [[Edmund Burke]].

==Quotes==
:&lt;small&gt;[https://archive.org/details/bub_gb_r-v5wN6ChUAC Full text of the 1790 edition]&lt;/small&gt;

*I flatter myself that I love a manly, moral, regulated [[liberty]] as well as any gentleman of that society, be he who he will; and perhaps I have given as good proofs of my attachment to that cause in the whole course of my public conduct.
**p. 7

*At some time or other, to be sure, all the beginners of dynasties were chosen by those who called them to govern. There is ground enough for the opinion that all the kingdoms of Europe were, at a remote period, elective, with more or fewer limitations in the objects of choice. But whatever kings might have been here or elsewhere a thousand years ago, or in whatever manner the ruling dynasties of England or France may have begun, the king of Great Britain is, at this day, king by a fixed rule of succession according to the laws of his country; and whilst the legal conditions of the compact of sovereignty are performed by him (as they are performed), he holds his crown in contempt of the choice of the [[w:Revolution Society|Revolution Society]].
**p. 19

*If the ''principles'' of the [[w:Glorious Revolution|Revolution of 1688]] are anywhere to be found, it is in the statute called the ''Declaration of Right''. In that most wise, sober, and considerate declaration, drawn up by great lawyers and great statesmen, and not by warm and inexperienced enthusiasts, not one word is said, nor one suggestion made, of a general right &quot;to choose our own governors, to cashier them for misconduct, and to form a government for ourselves&quot;. This Declaration of Right (the [[w:Bill of Rights 1689|act of the 1st of William and Mary, sess. 2, ch. 2]]) is the cornerstone of our constitution as reinforced, explained, improved, and in its fundamental principles for ever settled. It is called, &quot;An Act for declaring the rights and liberties of the subject, and for settling the succession of the crown&quot;. You will observe that these rights and this succession are declared in one body and bound indissolubly together.
**pp. 21-22

*A few years after this period, a second opportunity offered for asserting a right of election to the crown. On the prospect of a total failure of issue from [[William III of England|King William]], and from the Princess, afterwards [[Anne of Great Britain|Queen Anne]], the consideration of the settlement of the crown and of a further security for the liberties of the people again came before the legislature. Did they this second time make any provision for legalizing the crown on the spurious revolution principles of the [[w:Old Jewry Meeting-house|Old Jewry]]? No. They followed the principles which prevailed in the Declaration of Right, indicating with more precision the persons who were to inherit in the Protestant line. This [[w:Act of Settlement 1701|act]] also incorporated, by the same policy, our liberties and an hereditary succession in the same act. Instead of a right to choose our own governors, they declared that the ''succession'' in that line (the Protestant line drawn from [[James I of England|James the First]]), was absolutely necessary &quot;for the peace, quiet, and security of the realm&quot;, and that it was equally urgent on them &quot;to maintain a ''certainty in the succession'' thereof, to which the subjects may safely have recourse for their protection&quot;. Both these acts, in which are heard the unerring, unambiguous oracles of revolution policy, instead of countenancing the delusive, gypsey predictions of a &quot;right to choose our governors&quot;, prove to a demonstration how totally adverse the wisdom of the nation was from turning a case of necessity into a rule of law.
**pp. 22-23

*So far is it from being true that we acquired a right by the Revolution to elect our kings that, if we had possessed it before, the English nation did at that time most solemnly renounce and abdicate it, for themselves and for all their posterity forever. These gentlemen may value themselves as much as they please on their whig principles, but I never desire to be thought a better whig than [[w:John Somers, 1st Baron Somers|Lord Somers]], or to understand the principles of the Revolution better than those, by whom it was brought about, or to read in the Declaration of Right any mysteries unknown to those whose penetrating style has engraved in our ordinances, and in our hearts, the words and spirit of that immortal law.
**p. 27

*'''A state without the means of some change is without the means of its conservation.'''
**p. 29

*It is common with them to dispute as if they were in a conflict with some of those exploded fanatics of slavery, who formerly maintained what I believe no creature now maintains, &quot;that the crown is held by divine hereditary and indefeasible right&quot;.—These old fanatics of single arbitrary power dogmatized as if hereditary royalty was the only lawful government in the world, just as our new fanatics of popular arbitrary power maintain that a popular election is the sole lawful source of authority.
**p. 37

*The question of dethroning or, if these gentlemen like the phrase better, &quot;cashiering kings&quot; will always be, as it has always been, an extraordinary question of state, and wholly out of the law; a question (like all other questions of state) of dispositions and of means and of probable consequences rather than of positive rights. As it was not made for common abuses, so it is not to be agitated by common minds. The speculative line of demarcation where obedience ought to end and resistance must begin is faint, obscure, and not easily definable. 
**p. 43

*The Revolution was made to preserve our ''antient'' indisputable laws and liberties and that ''antient'' constitution of government which is our only security for law and liberty. ... The very idea of the fabrication of a new government is enough to fill us with disgust and horror. We wished at the period of the Revolution, and do now wish, to derive all we possess as ''an inheritance from our forefathers''. Upon that body and stock of inheritance we have taken care not to inoculate any cyon alien to the nature of the original plant. All the reformations we have hitherto made have proceeded upon the principle of reverence to antiquity; and I hope, nay, I am persuaded, that all those which possibly may be made hereafter will be carefully formed upon analogical precedent, authority, and example.
**pp. 44-45

*Our oldest reformation is that of [[w:Magna Carta|Magna Charta]]. You will see that Sir [[Edward Coke]], that great oracle of our law, and indeed all the great men who follow him, to [[William Blackstone|Blackstone]], are industrious to prove the pedigree of our liberties. They endeavour to prove that the ancient charter, the Magna Charta of [[w:John of England|King John]], was connected with another positive [[w:Charter of Liberties|charter]] from [[w:Henry I of England|Henry I]], and that both the one and the other were nothing more than a re-affirmance of the still more ancient standing law of the kingdom. ... In the famous law of the 3rd of [[Charles I of England|Charles I]], called the ''[[w:Petition of Right|Petition of Right]]'', the parliament says to the king, &quot;Your subjects have ''inherited'' this freedom&quot;, claiming their franchises not on abstract principles &quot;as the rights of men&quot;, but as the rights of Englishmen, and as a patrimony derived from their forefathers.
**pp. 45-46

*You will observe that from Magna Charta to the Declaration of Right it has been the uniform policy of our constitution to claim and assert our liberties as an ''entailed inheritance'' derived to us from our forefathers, and to be transmitted to our posterity. ... This policy appears to me to be the result of profound reflection, or rather the happy effect of following nature, which is wisdom without reflection, and above it. A spirit of innovation is generally the result of a selfish temper and confined views. '''People will not look forward to posterity, who never look backward to their ancestors.''' ... By adhering in this manner and on those principles to our forefathers, we are guided not by the superstition of antiquarians, but by the spirit of philosophic analogy. In this choice of inheritance we have given to our frame of polity the image of a relation in blood, binding up the constitution of our country with our dearest domestic ties, adopting our fundamental laws into the bosom of our family affections, keeping inseparable and cherishing with the warmth of all their combined and mutually reflected charities our state, our hearths, our sepulchres, and our altars.
**pp. 47-49

*Through the same plan of a conformity to nature in our artificial institutions, and by calling in the aid of her unerring and powerful instincts to fortify the fallible and feeble contrivances of our reason, we have derived several other, and those no small, benefits from considering our liberties in the light of an inheritance. '''Always acting as if in the presence of canonized forefathers, the spirit of freedom, leading in itself to misrule and excess, is tempered with an awful gravity.''' This idea of a liberal descent inspires us with a sense of habitual native dignity, which prevents that upstart insolence almost inevitably adhering to and disgracing those who are the first acquirers of any distinction. By this means our liberty becomes a noble freedom. It carries an imposing and majestic aspect. It has a pedigree and illustrating ancestors. It has its bearings and its ensigns armorial. It has its gallery of portraits, its monumental inscriptions, its records, evidences, and titles. We procure reverence to our civil institutions on the principle upon which nature teaches us to revere individual men: on account of their age and on account of those from whom they are descended. All your sophisters cannot produce anything better adapted to preserve a rational and manly freedom than the course that we have pursued, who have chosen our nature rather than our speculations, our breasts rather than our inventions, for the great conservatories and magazines of our rights and privileges.
**pp. 49-50

*You had all these advantages in your antient states; but you chose to act as if you had never been moulded into civil society, and had every thing to begin anew. You began ill, because you began by despising every thing that belonged to you. You set up your trade without a capital. If the last generations of your country appeared without much lustre in your eyes, you might have passed them by and derived your claims from a more early race of ancestors. Under a pious predilection to those ancestors, your imaginations would have realized in them a standard of virtue and wisdom, beyond the vulgar practice of the hour: and you would have risen with the example to whose imitation you aspired. Respecting your forefathers, you would have been taught to respect yourselves. You would not have chosen to consider the French as a people of yesterday, as a nation of low-born servile wretches until the emancipating year of 1789.
**pp. 51-52

*To be attached to the subdivision, to love the little platoon we belong to in society, is the first principle (the germ as it were) of public affections. It is the first link in the series by which we proceed toward a love to our country and to mankind.
**pp. 68-69

*Believe me, Sir, those who attempt to level, never equalize. In all societies, consisting of various descriptions of citizens, some description must be uppermost. The levellers, therefore, only change and pervert the natural order of things; they load the edifice of society by setting up in the air what the solidity of the structure requires to be on the ground.
**p. 72

*The Chancellor of France, at the opening of the states, said, in a tone of oratorical flourish, that all occupations were honourable. If he meant only that no honest employment was disgraceful, he would not have gone beyond the truth. But in asserting that anything is honourable, we imply some distinction in its favour. The occupation of a hairdresser or of a working tallow-chandler cannot be a matter of honour to any person—to say nothing of a number of other more servile employments. Such descriptions of men ought not to suffer oppression from the state; but the state suffers oppression if such as they, either individually or collectively, are permitted to rule. '''In this you think you are combating prejudice, but you are at war with nature.'''
**pp. 72-73

*...property is sluggish, inert, and timid.
**p. 75

*It is said that twenty-four millions ought to prevail over two hundred thousand. True; if the constitution of a kingdom be a problem of arithmetic. This sort of discourse does well enough with the [[w:À la lanterne|lamp-post]] for its second; to men who ''may'' reason calmly, it is ridiculous. The will of the many, and their interest, must very often differ, and great will be the difference when they make an evil choice. A government of five hundred country attornies and obscure curates is not good for twenty-four millions of men, though it were chosen by eight and forty millions, nor is it the better for being guided by a dozen of persons of quality who have betrayed their trust in order to obtain that power. At present, you seem in everything to have strayed out of the high road of nature. The property of France does not govern it. Of course, property is destroyed and rational liberty has no existence.
**pp. 76-77

*Before I read [[w:A Discourse on the Love of Our Country|that sermon]], I really thought I had lived in a free country; and it was an error I cherished, because it gave me a greater liking to the country I lived in. I was, indeed, aware that a jealous, ever-waking vigilance to guard the treasure of our liberty, not only from invasion, but from decay and corruption, was our best wisdom and our first duty. However, I considered that treasure rather as a possession to be secured than as a prize to be contended for.
**p. 79

*What is that cause of liberty, and what are those exertions in its favour to which the example of France is so singularly auspicious? Is our monarchy to be annihilated, with all the laws, all the tribunals, and all the antient corporations of the kingdom? Is every landmark of the country to be done away in favour of a geometrical and arithmetical constitution? Is the House of Lords to be voted useless? Is episcopacy to be abolished? Are the church lands to be sold to Jews and jobbers or given to bribe new-invented municipal republics into a participation in sacrilege? ... Are all orders, ranks, and distinctions to be confounded, that out of universal anarchy, joined to national bankruptcy, three or four thousand democracies should be formed into eighty-three, and that they may all, by some sort of unknown attractive power, be organized into one?
**pp. 80-81

*[[Richard Price|Dr. Price]] considers this inadequacy of representation as our fundamental grievance... To this he subjoins a note in these words:—&quot;A representation chosen chiefly by the Treasury, and a few thousands of the dregs of the people, who are generally paid for their votes.&quot; You will smile here at the consistency of those democratists who, when they are not on their guard, treat the humbler part of the community with the greatest contempt, whilst, at the same time, they pretend to make them the depositories of all power. 
**pp. 82-83

*It is no wonder...that with these ideas of everything in their constitution and government at home, either in church or state, as illegitimate and usurped, or at best as a vain mockery, they look abroad with an eager and passionate enthusiasm. Whilst they are possessed by these notions, it is vain to talk to them of the practice of their ancestors, the fundamental laws of their country, the fixed form of a constitution whose merits are confirmed by the solid test of long experience and an increasing public strength and national prosperity. They despise experience as the wisdom of unlettered men; and as for the rest, they have wrought underground a mine that will blow up, at one grand explosion, all examples of antiquity, all precedents, charters, and acts of parliament. They have &quot;the rights of men&quot;.
**pp. 85-86

*Far am I from denying in theory...the ''real'' rights of men. In denying their false claims of right, I do not mean to injure those which are real, and are such as their pretended rights would totally destroy. ... They have a right to the fruits of their industry and to the means of making their industry fruitful. They have a right to the acquisitions of their parents, to the nourishment and improvement of their offspring, to instruction in life, and to consolation in death. Whatever each man can separately do, without trespassing upon others, he has a right to do for himself; and he has a right to a fair portion of all which society, with all its combinations of skill and force, can do in his favour. In this partnership all men have equal rights, but not to equal things. He that has but five shillings in the partnership has as good a right to it as he that has five hundred pounds has to his larger proportion. But he has not a right to an equal dividend in the product of the joint stock; and as to the share of power, authority, and direction which each individual ought to have in the management of the state, that I must deny to be amongst the direct original rights of man in civil society; for I have in my contemplation the civil social man, and no other. It is a thing to be settled by convention.
**pp. 86-87

*The moment you abate anything from the full rights of men, each to govern himself, and suffer any artificial, positive limitation upon those rights, from that moment the whole organization of government becomes a consideration of convenience. This it is which makes the constitution of a state and the due distribution of its powers a matter of the most delicate and complicated skill. It requires a deep knowledge of human nature and human necessities, and of the things which facilitate or obstruct the various ends which are to be pursued by the mechanism of civil institutions. The state is to have recruits to its strength, and remedies to its distempers. What is the use of discussing a man's abstract right to food or medicine? The question is upon the method of procuring and administering them. In that deliberation I shall always advise to call in the aid of the farmer and the physician rather than the professor of metaphysics.
**p. 90

*It is with them a war or a revolution, or it is nothing. ... They have some change in the church or state, or both, constantly in their view. ... This sort of people are so taken up with their theories about the rights of man that they have totally forgotten his nature.
**pp. 94-95

*Humanity and compassion are ridiculed as the fruits of superstition and ignorance. Tenderness to individuals is considered as treason to the public. Liberty is always to be estimated perfect, as property is rendered insecure. '''Amidst assassination, massacre, and confiscation, perpetrated or meditated, they are forming plans for the good order of future society.'''
**p. 102

*This king, to say no more of him, and this queen, and their infant children (who once would have been the pride and hope of a great and generous people) were then forced to abandon the sanctuary of the most splendid palace in the world, which they left swimming in blood, polluted by massacre and strewed with scattered limbs and mutilated carcasses. Thence they were conducted into the capital of their kingdom. Two had been selected from the unprovoked, unresisted, promiscuous slaughter, which was made of the gentlemen of birth and family who composed the king's body guard. These two gentlemen, with all the parade of an execution of justice, were cruelly and publicly dragged to the block and beheaded in the great court of the palace. '''Their heads were stuck upon spears and led the procession, whilst the royal captives who followed in the train were slowly moved along, amidst the horrid yells, and shrilling screams, and frantic dances, and infamous contumelies, and all the unutterable abominations of the furies of hell in the abused shape of the vilest of women.''' After they had been made to taste, drop by drop, more than the bitterness of death in the slow torture of a journey of twelve miles, protracted to six hours, they were, under a guard composed of those very soldiers who had thus conducted them through this famous triumph, lodged in one of the old palaces of Paris, now converted into a bastille for kings. Is this a triumph to be consecrated at altars? to be commemorated with grateful thanksgiving? to be offered to the divine humanity with fervent prayer and enthusiastic ejaculation?
**pp. 106-107

*Although this work of our new light and knowledge, did not go to the length, that in all probability it was intended it should be carried; yet I must think, that such treatment of any human creatures must be shocking to any but those who are made for accomplishing revolutions. But I cannot stop here. Influenced by the inborn feelings of my nature, and not being illuminated by a single ray of this new-sprung modern light, I confess to you, Sir, that the exalted rank of the persons suffering, and particularly the sex, the beauty, and the amiable qualities of the descendant of so many kings and emperors, with the tender age of royal infants, insensible only through infancy and innocence of the cruel outrages to which their parents were exposed, instead of being a subject of exultation, adds not a little to any sensibility on that most melancholy occasion.
**pp. 110-111

*It is now sixteen or seventeen years since I saw the [[Marie Antoinette|queen of France]], then the dauphiness, at Versailles; and surely never lighted on this orb, which she hardly seemed to touch, a more delightful vision. I saw her just above the horizon, decorating and cheering the elevated sphere she just began to move in,—glittering like the morning star, full of life and splendor, and joy. '''Oh! what a revolution! and what a heart must I have, to contemplate without emotion that elevation and that fall!''' Little did I dream when she added titles of veneration to those of enthusiastic, distant, respectful love, that she should ever be obliged to carry the sharp antidote against disgrace concealed in that bosom; little did I dream that I should have lived to see such disasters fallen upon her in a nation of gallant men, in a nation of men of honour and of cavaliers. I thought ten thousand swords must have leaped from their scabbards to avenge even a look that threatened her with insult. '''But the age of chivalry is gone.—That of sophisters, economists; and calculators has succeeded; and the glory of Europe is extinguished forever.''' Never, never more shall we behold that generous loyalty to rank and sex, that proud submission, that dignified obedience, that subordination of the heart which kept alive, even in servitude itself, the spirit of an exalted freedom. The unbought grace of life, the cheap defence of nations, the nurse of manly sentiment and heroic enterprise, is gone! It is gone, that sensibility of principle, that chastity of honour which felt a stain like a wound, which inspired courage whilst it mitigated ferocity, which ennobled whatever it touched, and under which vice itself lost half its evil by losing all its grossness.
**pp. 112-113

*There ought to be a system of manners in every nation which a well-informed mind would be disposed to relish. '''To make us love our country, our country ought to be lovely.'''
**pp. 115-116

*Nothing is more certain than that our manners, our civilization, and all the good things which are connected with manners and with civilization have, in this European world of ours, depended for ages upon two principles and were, indeed, the result of both combined: I mean the spirit of a gentleman and the spirit of religion. The nobility and the clergy, the one by profession, the other by patronage, kept learning in existence, even in the midst of arms and confusions, and whilst governments were rather in their causes than formed. Learning paid back what it received to nobility and to priesthood, and paid it with usury, by enlarging their ideas and by furnishing their minds. Happy if they had all continued to know their indissoluble union and their proper place! Happy if learning, not debauched by ambition, had been satisfied to continue the instructor, and not aspired to be the master! Along with its natural protectors and guardians, learning will be cast into the mire and trodden down under the hoofs of '''a swinish multitude.'''
**p. 117

*France has always more or less influenced manners in England. ... Excuse me, therefore, if I have dwelt too long on the atrocious spectacle of the sixth of October 1789, or have given too much scope to the reflexions which have arisen in my mind on occasion of the most important of all revolutions, which may be dated from that day, I mean '''a revolution in sentiments, manners, and moral opinions.'''
**pp. 118-119

*...the theatre is a better school of moral sentiments than churches, where the feelings of humanity are thus outraged. Poets who have to deal with an audience not yet graduated in the school of the rights of men and who must apply themselves to the moral constitution of the heart would not dare to produce such a triumph as a matter of exultation. ... No theatric audience in Athens would bear what has been borne in the midst of the real tragedy of this triumphal day. ... They would not bear to see the crimes of new democracy posted as in a ledger against the crimes of old despotism, and the book-keepers of politics finding democracy still in debt, but by no means unable or unwilling to pay the balance. ... They would soon see that criminal means once tolerated are soon preferred. They present a shorter cut to the object than through the highway of the moral virtues. Justifying perfidy and murder for public benefit, public benefit would soon become the pretext, and perfidy and murder the end, until rapacity, malice, revenge, and fear more dreadful than revenge could satiate their insatiable appetites. Such must be the consequences of losing, in the splendour of these triumphs of the rights of men, all natural sense of wrong and right.
**pp. 120-121

*The punishment of real tyrants is a noble and awful act of justice; and it has with truth been said to be consolatory to the human mind.
**p. 123

*The vanity, restlessness, petulance, and spirit of intrigue, of several petty cabals, who attempt to hide their total want of consequence in bustle and noise, and puffing, and mutual quotation of each other, makes you imagine that our contemptuous neglect of their abilities is a mark of general acquiescence in their opinions. No such thing, I assure you. '''Because half a dozen grasshoppers under a fern make the field ring with their importunate chink, whilst thousands of great cattle, reposed beneath the shadow of the British oak, chew the cud and are silent, pray do not imagine, that those who make the noise are the only inhabitants of the field'''; that, of course, they are many in number, or that, after all, they are other than the little, shrivelled, meagre, hopping, though loud and troublesome, insects of the hour.
**pp. 126-127

*I almost venture to affirm that not one in a hundred amongst us participates in the &quot;triumph&quot; of the Revolution Society. If the king and queen of France, and their children, were to fall into our hands by the chance of war, in the most acrimonious of all hostilities (I deprecate such an event, I deprecate such hostility), they would be treated with another sort of triumphal entry into London. We formerly have had a [[w:John II of France|king of France]] in that situation; you have [[w:Froissart's Chronicles|read]] how he was treated by the victor in the field; and in what manner he was afterwards received in England. Four hundred years have gone over us; but I believe we are not materially changed since that period. Thanks to our sullen resistance to innovation, thanks to the cold sluggishness of our national character, we still bear the stamp of our forefathers. We have not (as I conceive) lost the generosity and dignity of thinking of the fourteenth century, nor as yet have we subtilized ourselves into savages. We are not the converts of [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau|Rousseau]]; we are not the disciples of [[Voltaire]]; [[Claude Adrien Helvétius|Helvetius]] has made no progress amongst us. Atheists are not our preachers; madmen are not our lawgivers. We know that ''we'' have made no discoveries, and we think that no discoveries are to be made in morality; nor many in the great principles of government, nor in the ideas of liberty, which were understood long before we were born, altogether as well as they will be after the grace has heaped its mould upon our presumption and the silent tomb shall have imposed its law on our pert loquacity.
**pp. 127-128

*In England we have not yet been completely embowelled of our natural entrails; we still feel within us, and we cherish and cultivate, those inbred sentiments which are the faithful guardians, the active monitors of our duty, the true supporters of all liberal and manly morals. We have not been drawn and trussed, in order that we may be filled, like stuffed birds in a museum, with chaff and rags and paltry blurred shreds of paper about the rights of men. We preserve the whole of our feelings still native and entire, unsophisticated by pedantry and infidelity. We have real hearts of flesh and blood beating in our bosoms. '''We fear God; we look up with awe to kings, with affection to parliaments, with duty to magistrates, with reverence to priests, and with respect to nobility. Why? Because when such ideas are brought before our minds, it is ''natural'' to be so affected'''; because all other feelings are false and spurious and tend to corrupt our minds, to vitiate our primary morals, to render us unfit for rational liberty, and, by teaching us a servile, licentious, and abandoned insolence, to be our low sport for a few holidays, to make us perfectly fit for, and justly deserving of slavery, through the whole course of our lives.
**pp. 128-129

*You see, Sir, that in this enlightened age I am bold enough to confess, that we are generally men of untaught feelings; that instead of casting away all our old prejudices, we cherish them to a very considerable degree, and, to take more shame to ourselves, we cherish them because they are prejudices; and the longer they have lasted and the more generally they have prevailed, the more we cherish them. We are afraid to put men to live and trade each on his own private stock of reason; because we suspect that this stock in each man is small, and that the individuals would do better to avail themselves of the general bank and capital of nations, and of ages. Many of our men of speculation, instead of exploding general prejudices, employ their sagacity to discover the latent wisdom which prevails in them. If they find what they seek, and they seldom fail, they think it more wise to continue the prejudice, with the reason involved, than to cast away the coat of prejudice and to leave nothing but the naked reason; because prejudice, with its reason, has a motive to give action to that reason, and an affection which will give it permanence. '''Prejudice is of ready application in the emergency; it previously engages the mind in a steady course of wisdom and virtue and does not leave the man hesitating in the moment of decision sceptical, puzzled, and unresolved. Prejudice renders a man's virtue his habit, and not a series of unconnected acts. Through just prejudice, his duty becomes a part of his nature.'''
**pp. 129-130

*Who now reads [[Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke|Bolingbroke]]? Who ever read him through?
**p. 133

*We know, and what is better, we feel inwardly, that religion is the basis of civil society, and the source of all good and of all comfort. ... We know, and it is our pride to know, that '''man is by his constitution a religious animal'''; that atheism is against, not only our reason, but our instincts; and that it cannot prevail long. But if, in the moment of riot and in a drunken delirium from the hot spirit drawn out of the alembic of hell, which in France is now so furiously boiling, we should uncover our nakedness by throwing off that Christian religion which has hitherto been our boast and comfort, and one great source of civilization amongst us and amongst many other nations, we are apprehensive (being well aware that the mind will not endure a void) that some uncouth, pernicious, and degrading superstition might take place of it.
**pp. 134-135

*I beg leave to speak of our church establishment, which is the first of our prejudices, not a prejudice destitute of reason, but involving in it profound and extensive wisdom. I speak of it first. It is first, and last, and midst in our minds. For, taking ground on that religious system of which we are now in possession, we continue to act on the early received and uniformly continued sense of mankind. That sense not only, like a wise architect, hath built up the august fabric of states, but, like a provident proprietor, to preserve the structure from profanation and ruin, as a sacred temple purged from all the impurities of fraud and violence and injustice and tyranny, hath solemnly and forever consecrated the commonwealth and all that officiate in it. This consecration is made that all who administer the government of men, in which they stand in the person of God himself, should have high and worthy notions of their function and destination, that their hope should be full of immortality, that they should not look to the paltry pelf of the moment nor to the temporary and transient praise of the vulgar, but to a solid, permanent existence in the permanent part of their nature, and to a permanent fame and glory in the example they leave as a rich inheritance to the world.
**pp. 136-137

*The consecration of the state by a state religious establishment is necessary also to operate with a wholesome awe upon free citizens; because, in order to secure their freedom, they must enjoy some determinate portion of power. To them therefore a religion connected with the state, and with their duty towards it, becomes even more necessary than in such societies, where the people by the terms of their subjection are confined to private sentiments, and the management of their own family concerns. '''All persons possessing any portion of power ought to be strongly and awfully impressed with an idea that they act in trust; and that they are to account for their conduct in that trust to the one great master, author and founder of society.'''
**pp. 137-138

*'''A perfect democracy is, therefore, the most shameless thing in the world.''' As it is the most shameless, it is also the most fearless. No man apprehends in his person that he can be made subject to punishment. Certainly the people at large never ought: for as all punishments are for example toward the conservation of the people at large, the people at large can never become the subject of punishment by any human hand. It is therefore of infinite importance that they should not be suffered to imagine that their will, any more than that of kings, is the standard of right and wrong.
**p. 139

*But one of the first and most leading principles on which the commonwealth and the laws are consecrated, is lest the temporary possessors and life-renters in it, unmindful of what they have received from their ancestors, or of what is due to their posterity, should act as if they were the entire masters; that they should not think it among their rights to cut off the entail, or commit waste on the inheritance, by destroying at their pleasure the whole original fabric of their society; hazarding to leave to those who come after them a ruin instead of an habitation—and teaching these successors as little to respect their contrivances, as they had themselves respected the institutions of their forefathers. By this unprincipled facility of changing the state as often, and as much, and in as many ways as there are floating fancies or fashions, the whole chain and continuity of the commonwealth would be broken. No one generation could link with the other. Men would become little better than the flies of a summer.
**p. 141

*Who would insure a tender and delicate sense of honour to beat almost with the first pulses of the heart, when no man could know what would be the test of honour in a nation, continually varying the standard of its coin? No part of life would retain its acquisitions. Barbarism with regard to science and literature, unskilfulness with regard to arts and manufactures, would infallibly succeed to the want of a steady education and settled principle; and thus the commonwealth itself would, in a few generations, crumble away, be disconnected into the dust and powder of individuality, and at length dispersed to all the winds of heaven.
**pp. 142-43

*To avoid therefore the evils of inconstancy and versatility, ten thousand times worse than those of obstinacy and the blindest prejudice, we have consecrated the state, that no man should approach to look into its defects or corruptions but with due caution; that he should never dream of beginning its reformation by its subversion; that he should approach to the faults of the state as to the wounds of a father, with pious awe and trembling solicitude. By this wise prejudice we are taught to look with horror on those children of their country who are prompt rashly to hack that aged parent in pieces, and put him into the kettle of magicians, in hopes that by their poisonous weeds, and wild incantations, they may regenerate the paternal constitution, and renovate their father's life.
**p. 143

*Society is indeed a contract. Subordinate contracts for objects of mere occasional interest may be dissolved at pleasure—but the state ought not to be considered as nothing better than a partnership agreement in a trade of pepper and coffee, calico or tobacco, or some other such low concern, to be taken up for a little temporary interest, and to be dissolved by the fancy of the parties. It is to be looked on with other reverence; because it is not a partnership in things subservient only to the gross animal existence of a temporary and perishable nature. It is a partnership in all science; a partnership in all art; a partnership in every virtue and in all perfection. As the ends of such a partnership cannot be obtained in many generations, it becomes a partnership not only between those who are living, but between those who are living, those who are dead, and those who are to be born. 
**pp. 143-144

*I give you opinions which have been accepted amongst us, from very early times to this moment, with a continued and general approbation, and which indeed are worked into my mind, that I am unable to distinguish what I have learned from others from the results of my own meditation. It is on some such principles that the majority of the people of England, far from thinking a religious, national establishment unlawful, hardly think it lawful to be without one. In France you are wholly mistaken if you do not believe us above all other things attached to it, and beyond all other nations. ... This principle runs through the whole system of their polity. They do not consider their church establishment as convenient, but as essential to their state, not as a thing heterogeneous and separable, something added for accommodation; what they may either keep or lay aside, according to their temporary ideas of convenience. They consider it as the foundation of their whole constitution, with which, and with every part of which, it holds an indissoluble union. Church and state are ideas inseparable in their minds, and scarcely is the one ever mentioned without mentioning the other.
**pp. 147-148

*The arguments of tyranny are as contemptible as its force is dreadful.
**p. 159

*The enemies to property at first pretended a most tender, delicate, and scrupulous anxiety for keeping the king's engagements with the public creditor. These professors of the rights of men are so busy in teaching others, that they have not leisure to learn anything themselves; otherwise they would have known that '''it is to the property of the citizen, and not to the demands of the creditor of the state, that the first and original faith of civil society is pledged. The claim of the citizen is prior in time, paramount in title, superior in equity.''' The fortunes of individuals, whether possessed by acquisition or by descent or in virtue of a participation in the goods of some community, were no part of the creditor's security, expressed or implied. 
**p. 160

*'''The literary cabal had some years ago formed something like a regular plan for the destruction of the Christian religion.''' This object they pursued with a degree of zeal which hitherto had been discovered only in the propagators of some system of piety. They were possessed with a spirit of proselytism in the most fanatical degree; and from thence, by an easy progress, with the spirit of persecution according to their means.
**p. 165

*These Atheistical fathers have a bigotry of their own; and they have learned to talk against monks with the spirit of a monk. But in some things they are men of the world. The resources of intrigue are called in to supply the defects of argument and wit. To this system of literary monopoly was joined an unremitting industry to blacken and discredit in every way, and by every means, all those who did not hold to their faction. To those who have observed the spirit of their conduct, it has long been clear that nothing was wanted but the power of carrying the intolerance of the tongue and of the pen into a persecution which would strike at property, liberty, and life.
**p. 166

*Even the clergy are to receive their miserable allowance out of the depreciated paper which is stamped with the indelible character of sacrilege, and with the symbols of their own ruin, or they must starve. So violent an outrage upon credit, property, and liberty, as this compulsory paper currency, has seldom been exhibited by the alliance of bankruptcy and tyranny, at any time, or in any nation.
**p. 182

*...all the frauds, impostures, violences, rapines, burnings, murders, confiscations, compulsory paper currencies, and every description of tyranny and cruelty employed to bring about and to uphold this Revolution have their natural effect, that is, to shock the moral sentiments of all virtuous and sober minds.
**p. 183

*I reprobate no form of government merely upon abstract principles. There may be situations in which the purely democratic form will become necessary. There may be some (very few, and very particularly circumstanced) where it would be clearly desirable. This I do not take to be the case of France, or of any other great country. Until now, we have seen no examples of considerable democracies. The antients were better acquainted with them. Not being wholly unread in the authors, who had seen the most of those constitutions, and who best understood them, I cannot help concurring with their opinion, that an absolute democracy, no more than absolute monarchy, is to be reckoned among the legitimate forms of government. They think it rather the corruption and degeneracy, than the sound constitution of a republic. If I recollect rightly, [[Aristotle]] observes, that a democracy has many striking points of resemblance with a tyranny. Of this I am certain, that in a democracy, the majority of the citizens is capable of exercising the most cruel oppressions upon the minority, whenever strong divisions prevail in that kind of polity, as they often must; and that oppression of the minority will extend to far greater numbers, and will be carried on with much greater fury, than can almost ever be apprehended from the dominion of a single sceptre.
**pp. 185-186

*Along with much evil, there is some good in monarchy itself; and some corrective to its evil, from religion, from laws, from manners, from opinions, the French monarchy must have received; which rendered it (though by no means a free, and therefore by no means a good constitution) a despotism rather in appearance than in reality.
**p. 189

*I see the National Assembly openly reprobate the doctrine of prescription, which [[w:Jean Domat|one of the greatest of their own lawyers]] tells us, with great truth, is a part of the law of nature. He tells us, that the positive ascertainment of its limits, and its security from invasion, were among the causes for which civil society itself has been instituted. If prescription be once shaken, no species of property is secure, when it once becomes an object large enough to tempt the cupidity of indigent power. ... Flushed with the insolence of their first inglorious victories, and pressed by the distresses caused by their lust of unhallowed lucre, disappointed but not discouraged, they have at length ventured completely to subvert all property of all descriptions throughout the extent of a great kingdom.
**p. 223

*Many parts of Europe are in open disorder. In many others there is a hollow murmuring under ground; a confused movement is felt, that threatens a general earthquake in the political world. Already confederacies and correspondences of the most extraordinary nature are forming in several countries. In such a state of things we ought to hold ourselves upon our guard.
**p. 229

*A man full of warm speculative benevolence may wish his society otherwise constituted than he finds it; but a good patriot, and a true politician, always considers how he shall make the most of the existing materials of his country. '''A disposition to preserve, and an ability to improve, taken together, would be my standard of a statesman.''' Everything else is vulgar in the conception, perilous in the execution.
**p. 231

*Superstition is the religion of feeble minds. ... The body of all true religion consists, to be sure, in obedience to the will of the sovereign of the world; in a confidence in his declarations; and an imitation of his perfections. The rest is our own. 
**p. 234

*Rage and phrenzy will pull down more in half an hour than prudence, deliberation, and foresight can build up in a hundred years.
**p. 247

*It is impossible not to observe, that in the spirit of this geometrical distribution, and arithmetical arrangement, these pretended citizens treat France exactly like a country of conquest. Acting as conquerors, they have imitated the policy of the harshest of that harsh race. The policy of such barbarous victors, who contemn a subdued people, and insult their feelings, has ever been, as much as in them lay, to destroy all vestiges of the antient country, in religion, in polity, in laws, and in manners; to confound all territorial limits; to produce a general poverty; to put up their properties to auction; to crush their princes, nobles, and pontiffs; to lay low everything which had lifted its head above the level, or which could serve to combine or rally, in their distresses, the disbanded people under the standard of old opinion.
**p. 266

*It is boasted, that the geometrical policy has been adopted, that all local ideas should be sunk, and that the people should no longer be Gascons, Picards, Bretons, Normans, but Frenchmen, with one country, one heart, and one Assembly. But instead of being all Frenchmen, the greater likelihood is that the inhabitants of that region will shortly have no country. No man ever was attached by a sense of pride, partiality, or real affection, to a description of square measurement. He never will glory in belonging to the Checquer, No. 71, or to any other badge-ticket. We begin our public affections in our families. No cold relation is a zealous citizen. We pass on to our neighbourhoods, and our habitual provincial connections. These are inns and resting places. Such divisions of our country as have been formed by habit, and not by a sudden jerk of authority, were so many little images of the great country in which the heart found something which it could fill. The love to the whole is not extinguished by this subordinate partiality. Perhaps it is a sort of elemental training to those higher and more large regards by which alone men come to be affected, as with their own concern, in the prosperity of a kingdom so extensive as that of France. In that general territory itself, as in the old name of provinces, the citizens are interested from old prejudices and unreasoned habits, and not on account of the geometric properties of its figure.
**pp. 285-286

*In the weakness of one kind of authority, and in the fluctuation of all, the officers of an army will remain for some time mutinous and full of faction, until some popular general, who understands the art of conciliating the soldiery, and who possesses the true spirit of command, shall draw the eyes of all men upon himself. Armies will obey him on his personal account. There is no other way of securing military obedience in this state of things. But the moment in which that event shall happen, the person who really commands the army is your master; the master (that is little) of your king, the master of your Assembly, the master of your whole republic.
**pp. 317-318

*Every thing depends upon the army in such a government as yours; for you have industriously destroyed all the opinions, and prejudices, and, as far as in you lay, all the instincts which support government. Therefore, the moment any difference arises between your National Assembly and any part of the nation, you must have recourse to force. Nothing else is left to you; or rather you have left nothing else to yourselves. ... The colonies assert to themselves an independent constitution and a free trade. They must be constrained by troops. In what chapter of your code of the rights of men are they able to read that it is a part of the rights of men to have their commerce monopolized and restrained for the benefit of others? As the colonists rise on you, the negroes rise on them. Troops again—'''Massacre, torture, hanging! These are your rights of men!''' These are the fruits of metaphysic declarations wantonly made, and shamefully retracted!
**pp. 320-321

*You lay down metaphysic propositions which infer universal consequences, and then you attempt to limit logic by despotism.
**p. 321

*The people of Lyons, it seems, have refused lately to pay taxes. ... To this the answer is, We will send troops. The last reason of kings, is always the first with your Assembly. 
**pp. 326-327

*Nothing turns out to be so oppressive and unjust as a feeble government.
**p. 333

*But what is liberty without wisdom, and without virtue? It is the greatest of all possible evils; for it is folly, vice, and madness, without tuition or restraint.
**p. 352

*To give freedom is still more easy. It is not necessary to guide; it only requires to let go the rein. But to form a ''free government''; that is, to temper together these opposite elements of liberty and restraint in one consistent work, requires much thought, deep reflection, a sagacious, powerful, and combining mind. This I do not find in those who take the lead in the National Assembly.
**p. 353

*I wish my countrymen rather to recommend to our neighbours the example of the British constitution, than to take models from them for the improvement of our own. In the former, they have got an invaluable treasure. They are not, I think, without some causes of apprehension and complaint; but these they do not owe to their constitution, but to their own conduct. I think our happy situation owing to our constitution; but owing to the whole of it; and not to any part singly; owing in a great measure to what we have left standing in our several reviews and reformations, as well as to what we have altered or superadded. Our people will find employment enough for a truly patriotic, free, and independent spirit, in guarding what they possess, from violation. I would not exclude alteration neither; but even when I changed, it should be to preserve. I should be led to my remedy by a great grievance. In what I did, I should follow the example of our ancestors. I would make the reparation as nearly as possible in the style of the building. A politic caution, a guarded circumspection, a moral rather than a complexional timidity were among the ruling principles of our forefathers in their most decided conduct. Not being illuminated with the light of which the gentlemen of France tell us they have got so abundant a share, they acted under a strong impression of the ignorance and fallibility of mankind. He that had made them thus fallible, rewarded them for having in their conduct attended to their nature. Let us imitate their caution, if we wish to deserve their fortune, or to retain their bequests. Let us add, if we please, but let us preserve what they have left; and, standing on the firm ground of the British constitution, let us be satisfied to admire rather than attempt to follow in their desperate flights the aeronauts of France.
**pp. 354-355

*I have little to recommend my opinions, but long observation and much impartiality. They come from one who has been no tool of power, no flatterer of greatness; and who in his last acts does not wish to belye the tenor of his life. They come from one, almost the whole of whose public exertion has been a struggle for the liberty of others.
**p. 356

==Quotes about the ''Reflections on the Revolution in France''==
*I own myself entirely of Mrs. Montagu's opinion about Mr. Burke's book; it is the noblest, deepest, most animated, and exalted work that I think I have ever read.
**[[Frances Burney]] (23 November 1790), quoted in ''Diary and Letters of Madame D'Arblay: Vol. V. 1789-1793'' (1842), p. 170

*I have this moment finished the gospel of St. Edmund, which your enthusiastic encomium had given me additional curiosity to read. As to style, he, like [[William Shakespeare|Shakspeare]], touches the double octave from the sublime to the bathos. In many passages he is divinely eloquent; in some his wit is clean and brilliant, and his quotations remarkably lucky. His argument, with few exceptions, in my opinion, unanswerable. His work, with all its faults, does him the highest honour as an author, as a statesman, and as a moralist. It will do infinite good in France if it were possible to get it read there; but what is of far greater moment to us, it will do infinite service to us at home, in shewing us the danger of metaphysical speculations, and warning us not to go a-whoring after new inventions. 
**[[w:Thomas Pitt, 1st Baron Camelford|Lord Camelford]] to George Hardinge (19 November 1790), quoted in John Nichols, ''Illustrations of the Literary History of the Eighteenth Century. Consisting of Authentic Memoirs and Original Letters of Eminent Persons; and intended as a sequel to the Literary Anecdotes, Volume VI'' (1831), p. 122

*Mr. Burke—no mean authority—published a book on the French Revolution, almost every sentence of which, however canvassed and disputed at the time, has been justified by the course of subsequent events; and almost every prophecy has been strictly fulfilled.
**[[George Canning]], [https://api.parliament.uk/historic-hansard/commons/1826/feb/13/bank-charter-and-promissory-notes-acts#column_323 speech] in the House of Commons (13 February 1826)

*Every word should be printed in gold and I trust it will expose the vices and follies of dangerous Mad men.
**[[w:James Duff, 2nd Earl Fife|Lord Fife]] to William Rose (25 November 1790), quoted in ''Lord Fife and His Factor'', ed. Alistair and Henrietta Tayler (1925), p. 221

*I know that there is no Man who calls himself a Gentleman that must not think himself obliged to you, for you have supported the cause of the Gentlemen.
**[[George III of the United Kingdom|George III]] to Burke at a levee (3 February 1791), quoted in Alfred Cobban and Robert A. Smith (eds.), ''The Correspondence of Edmund Burke, Volume VI: July 1789–December 1791'' (1967), p. 239

*How the Devil could your friend Burke publish such a Farrago of Nonsense?
**[[w:George IV of the United Kingdom|George, Prince of Wales]]' remark to [[w:Murrough O'Brien, 1st Marquess of Thomond|Lord Thomond]] after the publication of the ''Reflections'', as recalled by Thomond to [[w:Joseph Farington|Joseph Farington]] in 1806, quoted in James Greig (ed.), ''The Farington Diary: Vol. IV'' (1924), p. 22

*Burke's book is a most admirable medication against the French disease, which has made too much progress even in this happy country. I admire his eloquence, I approve his politics, I adore his chivalry, and I can even forgive his superstition.
**[[Edward Gibbon]], letter to Lord Sheffield (5 February 1791), quoted in J. E. Norton (ed.), ''The Letters of Edward Gibbon: Volume Three 1784-1794'' (1956), p. 216

*There is a saying of Burke's from which I must utterly dissent. &quot;Property is sluggish and inert.&quot; Quite the contrary. Property is vigilant, active, sleepless; if ever it seems to slumber, be sure that one eye is open.
**[[William Ewart Gladstone]] in conversation with [[John Morley]] (31 December 1891), quoted in John Morley, ''The Life of William Ewart Gladstone. Vol. III (1880-1898)'' (1903), p. 469

*The Revolution of France does not astonish me so much as the Revolution of Mr. Burke. I wish I could believe the latter proceeded from as pure motives as the former. But what demonstration could scarcely have established before, less than the hints of [[Joseph Priestley|Dr. Priestley]] and [[Thomas Paine|Mr. Paine]] establish firmly now. How mortifying that this evidence of the rotteness of his mind must oblige us now to ascribe to wicked motives those actions of his life which wore the mask of virtue and patriotism.
**[[Thomas Jefferson]] to Benjamin Vaughan (11 May 1791), quoted in Julian P. Boyd (ed.), ''The Papers of Thomas Jefferson, Volume 20: 1 April to 4 August 1791'' (1982), p. 391

*The [[w:fr:Amélie de Boufflers|Dss de Biron]] who is lately returned to England Informed me that thro' the means of Miss Wilkes the Queen of France first saw the passage in your Book which relates to Her: Miss Wilkes Translated the paragraph and enclosed it to the Dss de la Valiere who received it while [[w:Louise-Emmanuelle de Châtillon, Princesse de Tarente|Madame de Tarente]] was with her who is one of the Queen's Bed-chamber women: This Lady immediately carried it to the Queen, who before she had read half the Lines, she Burst into a Flood of Tears, and was a long Time before she was sufficiently composed to peruse the remainder.
**[[w:Edward Jerningham|Edward Jerningham]] to Burke (''ante'' 18 January 1791), quoted in Alfred Cobban and Robert A. Smith (eds.), ''The Correspondence of Edmund Burke, Volume VI: July 1789–December 1791'' (1967), pp. 203-204

*I hope before this time you are in full possession of Mr. Burkes admirable, excellent, incomparable pamphlet. I think it will do great service here in preventing confusion and rebellion; whether it can cure the evil already done in France it is difficult to say, for sh[oul]d it restore the Democrats to their senses, it cannot restore life to the murderd, nor property to the plunderd, nor treat the wounds the State has received. It gives one great delight to see fine talents employd to good and great purposes, and my pleasure was heightened by my long intimacy and friendship for Mr. Burke. 
**[[w:Elizabeth Montagu|Elizabeth Montagu]] to unknown (n.d.), quoted in ''Mrs. Montague, “Queen of the Blues”. Her Letters and Friendships from 1762-1800, Volume II, 1777–1800'', eds. Reginald Blunt and Emily J. Climenson (n.d.), p. 249

* Many counterrevolutionary books have been written in favor of the Revolution. But Burke has written a revolutionary book against the Revolution.
** [[Novalis]], ''Blüthenstaub'' (1798), Fragment No. 104

*Burke's book is diffuse and flowery, like his speeches, talks of various very uninteresting things, but it is what is called a fine piece of eloquence and a splendid exercise of talents.
**[[w:Anthony Morris Storer|Anthony Storer]] to Lord Auckland (26 November 1790), quoted in ''The Journal and Correspondence of William, Lord of Auckland, Volume II'' (1861), pp. 377–378

*His pamphlet came out this day sennight, and is far superior to what was expected, even by his warmest admirers. I have read it twice; and though of three hundred and fifty pages, I wish I could repeat every page by heart. It is sublime, profound, and gay. The wit and satire are equally brilliant; and the whole is wise, though in some points he goes too far: yet in general there is far less want of judgement than could be expected from him. If it could be translated—which, from the wit and metaphors and allusions, is almost impossible—I should think it would be a classic book in all countries, except in ''present'' France. To their tribunes it speaks daggers; though, unlike them, it uses none.
**[[Horace Walpole]] to Mary Berry (8 November 1790), quoted in ''The Letters of Horace Walpole, Fourth Earl of Orford, Vol. XIV: 1787–1791'', ed. Paget Toynbee (1905), pp. 313–314

*Delighted with Mr. Burke?—yes, so delighted that I have read him twice, and if I were not so old and had not lost my memory, I would try to get his whole book by heart. It is the wisest book I ever read in my life; and after that, the wittiest. It ought to be translated into all languages, and commented, and preached in all churches in portions—pray, has not [[Richard Price|Dr. Price]] hanged himself?
**[[Horace Walpole]] to Edward Jerningham (10 November 1790), quoted in ''Supplement to The Letters of Horace Walpole, Fourth Earl of Orford, Vol. III: 1744–1797'', ed. Paget Toynbee (1915), p. 62

*Never was there, I suppose, a work so valuable in its kind, or that displayed powers of so extraordinary a sort. It is a work that may seem capable of overturning the National Assembly, and turning the stream of opinion throughout Europe. One would think, that the author of such a work, would be called to the government of his country, by the combined voices of every man in it. What shall be said of the state of things when it is remembered that the writer is a man decried, persecuted, and proscribed; not being much valued, even by his own party, and by half the nation considered as little better than an ingenious madman?
**[[w:William Windham|William Windham]], diary (7 November 1790), quoted in The Earl of Rosebery (ed.), ''The Windham Papers: Volume One'' (1913), pp. 96–97

==External links==
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'''''[[w:Ozzy &amp; Drix|Ozzy &amp; Drix]]''''' (2002–2004) is an American animated TV show based on the 2001 film [[Osmosis Jones]]. Picking up one year after the film, street-smart white blood Osmosis &quot;Ozzy&quot; Jones and his cold pill partner Drix get sucked from their host body Frank by a mosquito and end up in the body of a teenage boy named Hector Cruz. After defeating a deadly virus, they both got jobs as private investigators and vow to help Hector keep healthy and guide him through the trials of adolescence.
__TOC__

== Season 1 ==

=== ''Home With Hector'' [1.1] ===
:''[First lines]''
:'''Ozzy''': ''[narrating]'' Welcome to the City of Frank. 85 trillion cells and still growing, which is getting to be a big problem. Y'see, when a body gets this old and congested, there's a lot more upkeep. And in Frank, ''everybody's'' workin' overtime. I should know. The name's Jones. Osmosis Jones. I'm a cop. That's my partner Drix. He's a pill, but he's cool. We got a tip that [[w:Scarlet Fever|Scarlet Fever]]'s visiting a chop shop south of the stomach, below the beltway, deep in bowel town. I've been after this bad booty bacteria half my life. He wasn't gettin' away this time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''[a mosquito bites Frank in the leg, sucking up Ozzy, Drix and Scarlet]''
:'''Drix''': Abducted by aliens?
:'''Ozzy''': Yeah. Read about it all the time. Cell's goin' about his business, next thing he knows, he's layin' naked in a petri dish with a giant eyeball lookin' down.
:'''Drix''': Oh, my! [covers crotch]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Hector swats the mosquito and a group of cells come to save Ozzy and Drix from coagulation]''
:'''Maria''': Welcome to Hector.
:'''Ozzy''': Hector?! What's a Hector?
:'''Maria''': Your new home.
:'''Ozzy''': Woah! Hold the phone, lady! I didn't ask for no transfer!
:'''Chief Gluteus''': Is there a problem here?
:'''Ozzy''': Yeah, I'll say there's a problem! I got a promotion waitin' for me in the City of Frank, and I'm stuck here in no-man's land!
:'''Chief Gluteus''': Intruders, eh?
:'''Ozzy''': Intruders?! The only thing intrudin' here is your belt size! Now who do we have to see about gettin' outta this backwater hole?
:'''Chief Gluteus''': The Mayor.
:'''Ozzy''': Well, what are we waitin' for?! I want action! I want justice! I-- ''[the chief grabs him by his shirt]'' Whoa, watch the membrane!
:'''Drix''': Thanks for saving us. It was much appreciated.
:'''Maria''': No problem, big guy.
:''[as the cells leave to see the Mayor, they are unaware that Scarlet Fever survived]''
:'''Scarlet''': Hector, eh? Looks smooth like grand new. Just the place for a big bugging bacteria like me to have a fresh start.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Ozzy and Drix arrive at the Mayor's office]''
:'''Ellen''': Excuse me, but are you the aliens?
:'''Drix''': Actually, the aliens were the ones that brought us here.
:'''Ozzy''': Well, well, well, a lady mayor. At last, a public server I can relate to.
:'''Ellen''': ''[pushes Ozzy away]'' Cool down, blue boy. I'm your legal council, Ellen Patella. ''[shows Ozzy her card]'' I brought some papers for you to sign. Now, if we work fast, maybe I can get you spleen card.
:'''Ozzy''': What, a spleen card?! I ain't workin' in no stinkin' speen!
:'''Ellen''': It's either that or spit detail.
:'''Ozzy''': Uno momento! Maybe you're not gettin' this picture. You're talkin' to Osmosis Jones here! White blood cell, police legend, and number one germinator from the City of Frank! I don't need no lawyer and no spit job! All I need's the next flight outta here!
:'''Drix''': ''[sees a screen showing Hector brushing his teeth]'' My word, what is that?
:'''Ellen''': That's the Eye Channel. It shows us everything what Hector sees.
:'''Drix''': Really. What a handsome young man.
:'''Ellen''': That's Hector Cruz.
:'''Mrs. Cruz''': Honey, breakfast is ready!
:'''Hector''': Be right there, Mom!
:'''Ellen''': He's thirteen.
:'''Drix''': No wonder the city's unpolluted.
:'''Ozzy''': Y'know, he looks a lot like Frank when Frank was that age.
:'''Drix''': No!
:'''Ozzy''': Yeah! I've seen the photos in Frank's memory banks. Kinda used to be in good shape.
:'''Drix''': What happened?
:'''Ozzy''': Fast food, late nights, smokin'. It all started goin' downhill around this age. I mean, I was just a small blood cell back then. I didn't know what was happenin'.
:'''Drix''': It occurs to me, Ozzy, considering our... situation and all, that perhaps we might be more useful in Hector.
:'''Ozzy''': And what?! Start all over again?! Are those fruity bubbles backin' into your brain?!
:'''Drix''': No, all I am saying is this could be a chance to help give someone a clean start. With our knowledge, we...
:'''Ozzy''': Hold on.
:'''Drix''': What?
:''[they turn to see Hector groaning and rubbing his head]''
:'''Ozzy''': I don't think he feels good.
:''[Mayor Spryman arrives with two brain advisors and Chief Gluteus]''
:'''Brain Adviser 1''': I rushed over as soon as I got the number! Sir, he's already at 98.8.
:'''Brain Adviser 2''': Actually, .82. A small fever, but nonetheless...
:'''Mayor Spryman''': I don't care! He's going to Jackie Desoto's party tonight, and that's that! It's Hector's first teen party, and Christine Kolchuck from French class is gonna be there.
:''[the Brain Advisor murmur in agreement]''
:'''Ozzy''': Are you brain cells or brain-dead cells?
:'''Elena''': Jones...
:'''Ozzy''': If Hector's gettin' sick, you should make him rest and drink lots of fluids, not listenin' to ''this'' fool!
:'''Elena''': Jones! This is our mayor, Paul Spryman.
:'''Ozzy''': ''[after staring at Spryman]'' You're pullin' my membrane!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Scarlet has taken down Gluteus and corners Maria until he is briefly frozen by Drix]''
:'''Ozzy''': Yo, hot lips! Well, looks like you've been paintin' the town red, huh?
:'''Scarlet''': Oh, you haven't seen anything, Jones! Wait till I get to the heart, where I can do some real damage!
:'''Ozzy''': Too bad I'll have to spoil your plan!
:'''Scarlet''': Oh, you think so?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[after Ozzy defeated Scarlet by making him go through the spleen]''
:'''Ozzy''': ''[narrating]'' After we nailed Scarlet Fever, all of Hector's symptoms went away. So he got to go to the party afterall. I could see why he didn't wanna miss it. As for Drix and me, well, the mayor decided to let us hang around. And with Ellen's help, we opened our own detective agency. Right behind Hector's left retinum, prime real estate! ''[to Drix]'' Y'know, Drix, you were right. We could do a lot more good here. I mean, thirteen's a scary age. There's hormones, pimples, B.O., and hair growing up all over the place!
:'''Drix''': Oh, my.
:'''Ozzy''': Hector's gonna need someone who's been around the block a few times. Somebody who can help him through these changes ''and'' keep him healthy.

=== ''Reflex'' [1.2] ===
:''[while chasing down a germ in their car, Ozzy and Drix accidentally ram into a leg nerve, making Hector accidentally trip the school bully Ricky Sales]''
:'''Mayor Spryman''': ''[confronting Ozzy for his reckless behavior]'' So, thanks to you, Hector tripped Ricky Sales! RICKY SALES!! Do you know what the other kids call him?!
:'''Ozzy''': ''[nervous]'' Uh, Ricky Sales?
:'''Mayor Spryman''': RICKY THE RIPPER!!! Now, do you know what I'm gonna do to you, Jones?
:'''Ozzy''': ''[sarcastically]'' Slap my wrist and let me go?
:'''Mayor Spryman''': ''[mimics buzzer]'' Wrong! Hector's gonna get creamed, and it's all  your fault!
:'''Drix''': But Mayor, you can't blame everything on Ozzy. After all, we were in pursuit of a dangerous bacterium.
:'''Brain Adviser 1''': ''[whispers into Spryman's ear]'' Who's the driver?
:'''Mayor Spryman''': Yeah. Okay, but who drove the car?
:'''Drix''': Um, Ozzy.
:'''Brain Adviser 2''': ''[whispers]'' How's about the cord muscles?
:'''Mayor Spryman''': Who almost ran innocent cord muscles off the road?
:'''Drix''': Ozzy again.
:''[the first brain adviser whispers something inaudible to Spryman]''
:'''Mayor Spryman''': And who bashed into Hector's nerve?!
:'''Drix''': I suppose that would be...
:'''Ozzy''': Yo, partner! Who's side are you on?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[after refusing to give Spryman his private eye card, Ozzy is sent to the nose as punishment for his mistake; Ellen arrives to visit him]''
:'''Ozzy''': Ellen! Why are you here? Have they sent bail yet?
:'''Ellen''': Yes, for one million carbs.
:'''Ozzy''': A million carbs?!
:'''Ellen''': Hey, I talked them down from a billion. ''[hands Ozzy some papers]'' They have a solid case against you, Ozzy. Creating a danger for the body, ignoring a direct order from the mayor, resisting arrest.
:'''Ozzy''': Okay, okay. What do we do?
:'''Ellen''': Fill these out. I'll try to make a deal.
:'''Ozzy''': You want me to cop a plea? To what?
:'''Ellen''': Insanity. Trust me, it's a slam dunk.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[after Hector gets pushed by Ricky, the power in his nose shuts down, allowing Jones to escape]''
:'''Chief Gluteus''': I don't want excuses. ''[notices Spryman exiting his office]'' I want him caught now!
:'''Mayor Spryman''': Him? Him who?
:'''Chief Gluteus''': Oh, um, Osmosis Jones, sir. He broke out of the nose.
:'''Mayor Spryman''': What?! Well, you've gotta catch him! He's gonna get in the way of my plan!
:'''Chief Gluteus''': Don't worry! We're right on his trail! By the way, what is your plan?
:'''Mayor Spryman''': First, we beg Ricky for forgiveness. And then we run screaming like a frightened little girl.
:'''Chief Gluteus''': I like it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Ozzy goes into the Cerebral Cortex and uses a device to control Hector's movements]''
:'''Chief Gluteus''': ''[stops Ozzy]'' Hold it right there!
:'''Ozzy''': C'mon, Chief, I'm wired for action.
:'''Chief Gluteus''': I'm not joking, Jones!
:'''Ozzy''': Neither am I. Just gimme a minute, he'll be okay.
:'''Chief Gluteus''': Putting Hector in the hospital is not okay!
:'''Ozzy''': Sorry, Chief, but I gotta do this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[with Ozzy's help, Hector manages to scare Ricky away his martial arts moves]''
:'''Mayor Spryman''': Okay, guys. The game's over. I don't want you fighting when the media shows up.
:'''Ozzy and Gluteus''': What?
:'''Ozzy''': Did you say the media?
:'''Mayor Spryman''': Sure. They're gonna wanna whoever came up with the idea for all those crazy moves. Naturally, I'll say it was me.
:'''Chief Gluteus''': Uh, but sir, I did most of the manipulation there.
:'''Mayor Spryman''': Or I could just tell those reporters how you let Jones ''escape''.
:'''Chief Gluteus''': Yes, sir! That's... well done.
:'''Ozzy''': What did I tell ya, Chief? Our mayor is one smart cell. Pauly, you're a real take-charge guy. In fact, once I get my private eye card back, I may even have more compliments for ya. 
:'''Mayor Spryman''': I ''am'' good, aren't I?

=== ''Strepfinger'' [1.3] ===
:''[Hector suffers from a fever]''
:'''Drix''': Ugh, a stakeout on the hottest day of the year! Couldn't we battle the dread forces of contagion someplace a tad more comfortable, say poolside at Hector Grand Hotel?
:'''Ozzy''': No way, Drix! Heat means fever, fever means infection, and infection means our boy Hector needs us right here. Besides, the last time we went swimmin', your bubbles carbonated the whole pool!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[after Drix saves Ozzy from falling into a vat of acid in Hector's iron works]''
:'''Drix''': Officer Amino?
:'''Maria''': Drix, you okay?
:'''Drix''': Yes, Maria, I'm at the challenge with courage and fortitude! Ozzy screamed like a little girl though.
:'''Ozzy''': Hey!
:'''Chief Gluteus''': Jones! Do you have any idea what you've done?!
:'''Ozzy''': Besides stoppin' a gang of bugs from robbin' the iron works?
:'''Maria''': Those weren't ordinary bugs, Ozzy.
:'''Chief Gluteus''': They are known as... The Red Menace! They bring fever, inflammation to whatever they touch! Cell after cell falls before them in a... uh, hideous domino effect!
:'''Maria''': We were trying to capture their leader so we would find out where they would strike next.
:''[Mayor Spryman's limousine arrives]''
:'''Mayor Spryman''': Stop everything! I'm declaring a state of emergency!
:'''Chief Gluteus''': What's wrong, sir?
:'''Mayor Spryman''': Hector's going to the doctor! ''[Ozzy, Drix, Maria, and the Chief gasp in shock]'' I hate doctors! Hide me!
:'''Chief Gluteus''': Well, that's it then. They'll send in a special cold war operative. This bug's way out of our league.
:'''Ozzy''': What?! We don't need no special agent! I can handle this Red Menace all by myself!
:''[Drix, Maria, the Chief, and the Mayor begin laughing at Ozzy]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[after the doctor injects a shot into Hector's arm, a James Bond-esque cell appears before the main crew]''
:'''Cell''': The name's G. Penicillin G. What's the situation?
:'''Ozzy''': Hm. Handsome, cool accent, slicker than earwax, I hate him already!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[after Drix and Penicillin G leaves him behind to investigate the throat, Ozzy beats them to it and eavesdrops and the Red Menace's conversation via binoculars]''
:'''Number 2''': Well, Number 3, I hope your bungling at the iron works hasn't thrown off our inspection schedule, hmm?
:'''Number 3''': Of course not, Number 2. In fact, we've just programed the protein sequence that will trigger the infection.
:'''Number 2''': Excellent! Number 1 can finally proceed with his plans to give Hector a nasty case of [[w:pneumonia|pneumonia]].
:'''Ozzy''': Pneumonia?! I gotta get that disk!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Penicillin G sacrificed himself to save Ozzy while Ozzy managed to snatch the protein sequence]''
:'''Drix''': Poor Penicillin G. His bright flame extinguished by an adolescent loogie.
:'''Ozzy''': Hey, I feel just as bad! I mean, the guy sacrificed himself to save my my butt, and all I ever did was dis him. I owe the G-Man, Drix! I gotta finish what he started! And this protein sequence is the key!
:'''Drix''': Ozzy, G was a skilled operative. You don't have his cunning, his breeding, his... pinash.
:'''Ozzy''': Maybe not, but I have his briefcase!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[while trying to act like Penicillin G, Ozzy runs into the girlfriend of the boss of the Red Menace, Ernst Strepfinger]''
:'''Ozzy''': Hey, I don't like the way you're talkin' to the lady, Strepfinger!
:'''Strepfinger''': And I don't like meddlesome blood cells.
:'''Ozzy''': Well, I don't like your casino!
:'''Strepfinger''': Well, I don't like brazen oafs who make googly eyes at my girlfriend, and think they can ruin my plans!
:'''Ozzy''': Well... you ugly!
:''[the germs gasp in shock]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[with the help of Penicillin G, Ozzy manages to disable the Strep bombs and defeat Strepfinger]''
:'''Penicillin G''': Thanks to you, Agent Jones. Hector should up and about in not time.
:'''Ozzy''': Hey, couldn't have done it without ya, G-Man! So where ya off to now?
:'''Penicillin G''': Sticky and I are gonna take a little holiday. It seems I just have time.
:'''Sticky''': I told you: I like dangerous things.

=== ''A Lousy Haircut'' [1.4 ===
:''[after Ozzy captures two germs in spite of Drix's large size, they both go to a movie which is really a viewing of Hector getting his haircut at a barbershop]''
:'''Ozzy''': I told ya a movie would cheer you up. Hey, want some polyp corn?
:'''Drix''': No, thanks.
:''[someone throws a container at Drix]''
:'''Cell 1''': Hey, super economy size! Get outta the way!
:'''Maria''': Who threw that?!
:'''Cell 1''': Oh, uh, she did!
:'''Cell 2''': Quit it!
:'''Drix''': It's alright, Maria. Perhaps I should move to the back.
:'''Cell 3''': Hey, Godcella! Hurry up!
:'''Cell 4''': That ain't no cell!
:'''Cell 5''': That's God''pill''a! ''[the audience all laugh]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[during the movie, Ozzy notices something jumping off the barber's comb and onto Hector's Hair]''
:'''Drix''': Humiliation, thy name is Drix.
:'''Ozzy''': Are you gonna lie there with a pillow over your head all day? Dang, I haven't seen you this depressed since that time you didn't get invited to the Medicine Ball.
:'''Drix''': Sometimes, I think I should have dissolved a long long time ago.
:'''Ozzy''': Would you get over it already?! Yeah, you're big! So what?! So I had to take on two heavily-armed viruses by myself! So they nearly ruptured my membrane! So you wrecked my beautiful perfect car that I loved like a brother! Wh... Where was I going with this?
:'''Drix''': I simply can't imagine. Look, let's face it. I'm just too big.
:'''Ozzy''': Hold on! Hector's headin' into the boy's room! As soon as he comes his hair, I'll see it.
:'''Drix''': See what?
:'''Ozzy''': Whatever jumped onto his head.
:''[Ozzy zooms into Hector's hair and notices what appears to be white balls attached to its head]''
:'''Ozzy''': Oh, no! This is bad Drix! And I don't mean overdue-video bad! I mean grenade-in-your-pants bad!
:'''Drix''': Congratulations, you peaked my curiosity. ''[looks through Ozzy's binoculars]''
:'''Ozzy''': Check out the left temple.
:'''Drix''': Hm. Fickle scalp cells always flaking off.
:'''Ozzy''': Nuh-uh! That ain't dandruff, Drix! It's eggs. ''Lice'' eggs. And when they hatch, Hector's scalp is gonna be one big blood buffet for a bunch of six-legged monsters!
:'''Drix''': Oh, there goes lunch!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Ozzy goes to Mayor Spryman's office to warn him of the lice eggs on Hector's scalp]''
:'''Mayor Spryman''': Jones. What is it now? More jockets?
:'''Ozzy''': No, it's worse! We got lice eggs!
:'''Mayor Spryman''': ''[sarcastically]'' Ooh, eggs! Scary! What are you afraid of? Cholesterol?
:'''Ozzy''': We gotta do something before they hatch! I need your approval to lead an expedition to the scalp.
:'''Brain Advisor 2''': Sir, after basketball practice today, there's a lice check in the nurse's office. I'm quite certain she will deal with the situation.
:'''Ozzy''': Lice check?! Do you have any idea what happens if they find lice?! Hector'd have to stay home from school, maybe for weeks!
:'''Mayor Spryman''': No school for weeks! Just think of it. Video games, endless TV, raiding the snack cupboard all day! ''[hugs his brain advisors]''
:'''Ozzy''': Well, we can't jus--
:'''Brain Advisor 2''': Your audience with Mayor Spryman is at an end, Mr. Jones.
:'''Ozzy''': Fine! If you guys won't do anything, I'll take care of this myself.
:'''Brain Advisor 2''': If you want an out-of-Hector experience, go ahead. But without an anti-coagulation suit, as soon as you hit the outside air, you'll begin to oxidize.
:'''Brain Advisor 1''': Yes, you will get all stiff and dried up and turn into a big icky scab!
:'''Ozzy''': And I'll still be better-looking than you, poindexter!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Ozzy''': Yo, Drix! We're gonna go to the scalp and rouse some louse!
:'''Drix''': Where did you get that anti-coagulation suit?
:'''Ozzy''': Hey... The... Uh... This guy gave it to me.
:'''Drix''': ''[notices the badge on the suit]'' HPD? Jones, you took that from the police department!
:'''Ozzy''': Hey, I'm just borrowin' it! It's an emergency!
:'''Drix''': ''[sighs]'' Go without me. A big clumsy goon such as myself will only drag you down.
:'''Ozzy''': Drix, I can't go without you. I need you on this one. Hector needs you. Do you know what'll happen to him if the other kids find out he has lice? They will laugh at him!
:'''Drix''': They... They will?!
:'''Ozzy''': Oh, yeah! And make jokes behind his back!
:'''Drix''': He'll be an outcast. A misfit!
:'''Ozzy''': Ya got that right!
:'''Drix''': Spurn by society! Hated and reviled! All this simply because he's too big! TOO DARN BIG!!!
:'''Ozzy''': Uh... We're not talkin' 'bout Hector anymore, are we?
:'''Drix''': Alright! It's De-lousing time!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[thanks to their mysterious informant, The Mole, Ozzy and Drix journey through the scalp to get rid of the lice eggs]''
:'''Ozzy''': ''[singing] I don't know, but I've been told! Hector's feet have stinky moles! Soundoff! One, two! Sound off! Three, four!'' Bring it on home, Drix! C'mon!
:'''Drix''': No, thank you.
:'''Ozzy''': Y'know, lately, you've been about as much fun as a stomach flu.
:'''Drix''': Well, since I seem to bother everyone else, why should you be an exception? Perhaps I should remain out here, where there's ''room'' for me! Where I can be myself and revel in the rugged grandeur of the majestic snow-capped peaks!
:'''Ozzy''': Drix, those are zits.
:'''Drix''': Oh, well, that's just lovely.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Christine''': How embarrassing would it be if they found bugs in your hair!
:'''Hector''': Yeah, gross! That'd be worse than taking your sister to the prom!
:''[Christine and two other girls exclaim in disgust]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[The Mole secretly placed camera's on Hector's scalp, filming Drix's heroic actions with the giant louse; the footage is being shown in the theaters]''
:'''Cell 1''': ''[throws another can at Drix]'' Hey, double wide! I can't see the movie! ''[Drix stands up]'' Oh, my gosh! You're... you're...
:'''Drix''': Moving to the back of the theater. I want to be sure ''everyone'' can see this movie. Excuse me, pardon me.

=== ''Oh, My Dog'' [1.5] ===
:'''Ellen''': On behalf of the assimilation committee, I welcome you to the City of Hector, Mr...
:'''Cell''': Uh, Pauly. Call me Pauly.
:'''Ellen''': Alright, Pauly. Hector is a small city, but we're growing fast. Or... we will be once puberty kicks in.
:'''Pauly''': Little tings get big.
:'''Ellen''': ''[stares at Pauly in confusion]'' Yes, that's right, Pauly. Now, this is the address of our department of employment. They'll find you a job. It's in a germy area, so be careful, okay?
:'''Pauly''': Germy area. Be careful. Germy area.
:'''Ellen''': Sweet guy. I hope he's gonna be okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[on their way home from School, Hector and Travis run into a stray dog]''
:'''Travis''': It's a cool dog. I wonder whose it is.
:'''Hector''': No color or anything. I guess he's a stray. ''[the dog jumps up and licks his face]''
:'''Travis''': Hector, my man, looks like you got yourself a free dog. Score!
:'''Hector''': I'm gonna call him... Uno.
:'''Travis''': Okay, why?
:'''Hector''': 'Cause he's number one.
:'''Travis''': Uh, well, don't look now, but I think he just did number one on your shoes.
:'''Hector''': Uno! ''[Uno jumps up and licks his face again]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Pauly has been terrorizing Mucus Beach by secretly turning into a humongous monster; a restaurant owner tasks Ozzy and Drix to track it down because the HPD do not believe him]''
:'''Drix''': What I don't understand is how something that big could vanish without a trace.
:'''Ozzy''': There's only one answer, Drix: It's an [[w:allergen|allergen]]. Allergies are triggered by allergens, and the thing about allergens is one minute they look normal, and the next, they're Germosaurus Rex! Let's split and see what we can find.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[a dog germ is formed when some of Uno's saliva went into Hector's nose; Drix finds it in an alley and shows it to Ozzy]''
:'''Drix''': Ozzy, look! ''[the dog germ licks Ozzy's face]'' I found a pet! I found a pet!
:'''Ozzy''': So, naturally, you figured you'd smear his drool on my face. ''[the dog germ sniffs in Ozzy's jacket]'' Get you nose outta there! ''[the germ grabs the two cheese-boogers]'' Hey that's our bonus meal! ''[he and the germ fight over the cheese-booger]''
:'''Drix''': Dander, release. ''[the germ let's go, making Ozzy fall to the ground]''
:'''Ozzy''': Dander?!
:'''Drix''': Oh, that's what I named him, and I'm going to buy him fancy collars, and I'm going to smother him in love and affection forever and ever and ever! Oh, look, he even knows tricks! Okay, Dander, play dead! ''[Dander does so]'' Dander, play Osmosis! ''[Dander shifts his face to look like Ozzy]''
:'''Ozzy''': Yo, your dog's makin' fun of me! Tell him to knock it off! ''[Dander barks mockingly]'' Seriously, man, cut it out! ''[Dander barks mockingly again]'' I ain't playing with you! ''[Dander continues mocking him]'' I said STOP IT!!! ''[Dander mocks him again and his face turns back to normal]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Dander chases Pauly to an alley, but Pauly turns back into his small self, which makes it look like Dander was the allergen]''
:'''Chief Gluteus''': Jones! I should have known you had something to do with this mess!
:'''Ozzy''': Yeah, well you also should've known that that mustache makes you look like a walrus, but there ya go!
:'''Maria''': How about you boys lay off the macho junk and we figure out what happened here?
:'''Ozzy''': Oh, I can tell you what happened: Allergy attack! Big one! 
:'''Chief Gluteus''': Allergy, huh? Any sign of the allergen?
:'''Drix''': ''[moves away]'' Ozzy, no.
:'''Ozzy''': Sorry, Drix. It's for the good of Hector. ''[Drix sighs]'' We followed the allergen's tracks, they led right to that dog.
:'''Chief Gluteus''': Right. We'll take it from here. ''[two cops come to take Dander]''
:'''Drix''': But it isn't his fault! Wait! 
:'''Ozzy''': Hey, you can visit him in jail.
:'''Chief Gluteus''': We don't lock dangerous animals up, Jones. We dissolve'em. Take him to the stomach acid, boys.
:'''Drix''': Dander! ''[the HPD drive away, taking Dander with them]'' I'm so sorry, boy.
:'''Ozzy''': Drix, I didn't know.
:'''Drix''': Oh, I'm sorry! Are you laboring under the delusion that '''I WILL EVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN?!? WELL, ALLOW ME TO CORRECT THAT!! GOODBYE!!!''' ''[dashes away]''
:'''Ozzy''': Drix!
:'''Maria''': You had to do it, Jones.
:'''Ozzy''': Yeah, I guess, but I still feel lower than foot fungus.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[after playing with Uno, Hector goes under a sneezing fit]''
:'''Mrs. Cruz''': Oh, poor baby!
:'''Hector''': Mom, I'm 13!
:'''Mrs. Cruz''': Hector, I'm afraid you're allergic to the dog. ''[leads Uno into the backyard]''
:'''Hector''': Allergic? No. Hey, I'm totally fine.
:'''Mrs. Cruz''': I'm sorry, Hector, but it looks like we'll have to get rid of Uno.
:'''Hector''': No!
:'''Mrs. Cruz''': My friend Sue does animal rescue. I'll call her tomorrow. Don't worry. She'll find him a good home.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Ozzy and the HPD find out too late that Pauly is the allergen when he goes through a stage 3 attack and absorbs all the white blood cells in the body; Drix manages to free the cells by shooting a freeze inducer at Pauly while Dander escapes and reunites with Drix]''
:'''Ozzy''': Alright, who's been playing rugby with my head?
:'''Drix''': Come on, Dander can help us track the allergen!
:'''Maria''': We've got to find it before it goes to stage 3 again!
:'''Ozzy''': Can I just stay here and die peacefully? ''[Maria drags him away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[thanks to Dander, Ozzy, Drix, and Maria defeat Pauly by making Hector sneeze so hard, he launches Pauly out of the nose]''
:'''Mrs. Cruz''': ''[arrives with a bouquet of flowers]'' Look what your dad brought home, Hector, aren't they nice? ''[Hector goes into another sneezing fit; his mother feels his shirt]'' Hector, you've got pollen all over your shirt.
:'''Hector''': Yeah. I fell in some flowers and weeds and junk on the way home.
:'''Mrs. Cruz''': Honey, you're allergic to pollen, not the dog!
:'''Hector''': I am? Does that mean...?
:'''Mrs. Cruz''': Yes! You can keep him! ''[lets Uno back into the house]''
:'''Hector''': Uno!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Drix''': Come on, Ozzy! Don't you wanna play a little catch?
:'''Ozzy''': I'd love to Drix, but your dog buried me again!

=== ''Street Up'' [1.6] ===

=== ''Gas of Doom'' [1.7] ===

=== ''Where There's Smoke'' [1.8] ===

=== ''The Globfather'' [1.9] ===

=== ''Ozzy Jr.'' [1.10] ===

=== ''Growth'' [1.11] ===

=== ''Sugar Shock'' [1.12] ===

=== ''The Dream Factory'' [1.13] ===

== Season 2 ==

=== ''An Out of Body Experience Part 1'' [2.1] ===

=== ''An Out of Body Experience Part 2'' [2.2] ===

=== ''Lights Out!'' [2.3] ===

=== ''The Conqueror Worm'' [2.4] ===

=== ''Puberty Alert'' [2.5] ===

=== ''Tricky Ricardo'' [2.6] ===

=== ''Aunti Histamine'' [2.7] ===

=== ''A Growing Cell'' [2.8] ===

=== ''A Cold Day in Hector'' [2.9] ===

=== ''Supplements (a.k.a. Triumph of The Supplements)'' [2.10] ===

=== ''Double Dose'' [2.11] ===

=== ''Nature Calls'' [2.12] ===

=== ''Journey to the Center of the Tooth/Cavities'' [2.13] ===

== Cast ==

* [[w:Phil LaMarr|Phil LaMarr]] - Osmosis &quot;Ozzy&quot; Jones
* [[w:Jeff Bennett|Jeff Bennett]] - Drix
* Justin Cowdin - Hector Cruz
* [[w:Tasia Valenza|Tasia Valenza]] - Maria Amino
* [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] - Chief Gluteus
* [[w:Alanna Ubach|Alanna Ubach]] - Mayor Paul Spryman and Mrs. Cruz
* [[w:Vivicia A. Fox|Vivicia A. Fox]] - Ellen Patella
* [[w:Rob Paulson|Rob Paulson]] - Travis Lurn
* [[w:Jeffrey Tambor|Jeffrey Tambor]] - The Mole
* [[w:Kimberly Brooks|Kimberly Brooks]] - Christine Kolchuck
* [[w:Joe Lana|Joe Lana]] - Mr. Cruz

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} &lt;!-- optional --&gt;
* {{imdb title|IMDB_ID_number|Ozzy &amp; Drix}}

[[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated action TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about families]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about teenagers]]
[[Category:Kids' WB shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Television series by Warner Bros. Animation]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Big Little Lies (TV series)</title>
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'''''[[w:Big Little Lies (TV series)|Big Little Lies]]''''' is an American drama television series that premiered on February 
2017 and tells the story of five women in [[w:Monterey, California|Monterey]], who become embroiled in a murder investigation.
: ''Directed by [[w:Jean-Marc Vallée|Jean-Marc Vallée]]. Written by [[w:David E. Kelley|David E. Kelley]], based on [[w:Big Little Lies (novel)|the novel]] by [[w:Liane Moriarty|Liane Moriarty]].''
[[File:Big Little Lies Logo.png|thumb|Meet the Monterey Five.]]

== Taglines ==
* '''A perfect life is a perfect lie''' (season 1)
* '''Secrets always surface''' (season 2)

== Seasons ==
* [[Big Little Lies (season 1)|Season 1]]
* [[Big Little Lies (season 2)|Season 2]]

== Jane ==
* You guys are right. You are so right. And for some reason that makes me feel wrong.

== Mary Louise ==
* You're very short. I don't mean it in a negative way... Maybe I do! I find little people to be untrustworthy.

== Bonnie ==
* Did you diffuse things? Sure. Did you stop shit from getting worse? Sometimes. But did you 'protect' me?

== Dialogue ==
:'''Nathan''': Why do you have to be such a fuck?
:'''Ed''': I don't have to be. I choose to be. See, not everybody gets along, Can't we just be comfortable not liking each other? There doesn't have to be a reason.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jane:''': You're like, so nice.
:'''Madeline''': This is Monterey. We pound people with nice.
:'''Celeste''': To death.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Abigail''': What's wrong with mom?
:'''Ed''': Why?
:'''Abigail''': You haven't noticed she's been a little agitated lately?
:'''Ed''': Honey, agitation is her preferred state.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ziggy''': Last time we had pizza and we went to the zoo, you told me we were moving to Monterey.  What now?
:'''Jane''': You're going to go see a child psychologist.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Celeste''': I don't understand why you're being such an alarmist right now.
:'''Dr. Reisman''': Because I'm alarmed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Doctor''': We can do a CAT scan just to make sure.
:'''Madeline''': I'm not going to expose myself to unnecessary radiation just to keep your premiums down.

== Cast ==
===Main===
* [[Reese Witherspoon]] as Madeline Mackenzie
* [[Nicole Kidman]] as Celeste Wright
* [[w:Shailene Woodley|Shailene Woodley]] as Jane Chapman
* [[Laura Dern]] as Renata Klein
* [[w:Zoë Kravitz|Zoë Kravitz]] as Bonnie Carlson, Nathan's wife
* [[w:Alexander Skarsgård|Alexander Skarsgård]] as Perry Wright, Celeste's husband
* [[w:Adam Scott (actor)|Adam Scott]] as Ed Mackenzie, Madeline's husband
* [[w:James Tupper|James Tupper]] as Nathan Carlson, Madeline's ex-husband and Bonnie's husband
* [[w:Jeffrey Nordling|Jeffrey Nordling]] as Gordon Klein, Renata's husband
* [[Meryl Streep]] as Mary Louise Wright, Perry's mother (season 2)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commons}}
* [https://www.hbo.com/big-little-lies Official site]
* {{imdb title|3920596|Big Little Lies}}
{{unreferenced|article about a serial production&lt;&lt;!-- not sourced by episode --&gt;}}

[[Category:2010s American drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American mystery TV shows]]
[[Category:HBO shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]</text>
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    <title>Template:Lua/doc</title>
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This template is used to show that templates have been converted to [[w:Lua (programming language)|Lua]]. It is placed at the top of the template's /doc page.

== Usage ==

; Basic : {{tlx|Lua|''module name''}}

; All parameters : {{tlx|Lua|''module 1''|''module 2''|''module 3''|...|category{{=}}''custom category''|nocat{{=}}''true''}}

The first module name is required.

== Examples ==

* {{tlx|Lua|Module:Bananas}}
{{clear}}

* {{tlx|Lua|Module:Bananas|Module:BananasArgs}}
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* {{tlx|Lua|Module:Bananas|Module:BananasArgs|Module:HelloWorld}}
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&lt;!-- PLEASE ADD CATEGORIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE --&gt;

This is the {{tl|template other}} meta-template.

It helps other templates detect if they are on a &quot;Template:&quot; page or some &quot;other&quot; type of page.

=== Usage ===

This template usually takes two parameters, like this:

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A typical usage case could be to make it so that a template only adds a category when not on a template page. Thus not adding the template itself and other templates that are built with it to the category. Like this:

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For testing and demonstration purposes this template can take a parameter named '''demospace'''. 

* If it has the value '''template''' it returns the template page text.
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You can make it so your template also understands the '''demospace''' parameter. That means you can demonstrate the different appearances of your template in the documentation for your template. Then do like this:

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This template detects &quot;Template talk:&quot; pages as type '''other'''.

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&lt;!-- CATEGORIES HERE, THANKS --&gt;

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    <title>Steven Universe Future</title>
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      <text bytes="48308" xml:space="preserve">----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]]
----
{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Steven Universe Future|Steven Universe Future]]''''' (2019–2020) is an animated limited series produced by [[w:Cartoon Network|Cartoon Network]] as an epilogue for [[Steven Universe (season 5)|Season 5]] of ''[[Steven Universe]]'' and ''[[Steven Universe: The Movie]]''.

==Episodes==
===''Little Homeschool''===
:'''Steven''': ''[narrating]'' Life is a little different these days. The Diamonds have ended their reign of terror. The intergalactic war is over, and Earth is officially an independent planet. We're all safe to explore our dreams. Lars opened up his own pastry shop, and it's got a real cute space gimmick goin' on. Sadie's been touring with The Suspects, promoting their new album, and Connie has been getting a head start on college prep. She's two years away from applying, but she says it doesn't hurt to start early. And speaking of higher education, Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl and I have been cooking up a dream of our own!
:'''Cherry Quartz''': I have no idea who you're talking about.
:'''Steven''': ''[chuckling]'' Don't worry about it. You'll learn all that, and more, right here at Little Homeschool. ''[gives Cherry Quartz a tour around]'' Here at Little Homeschool, you have a chance to rediscover yourself and learn to live on Earth if you like. You can forge a new identity. Grow your own ideas. And even find your inner Morp!
:'''Cherry Quartz''': Wait, what's a &quot;Morp&quot;?
:'''Steven''': That's ''exactly'' the kind of question we love to hear!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': You know, half those Gems are soldiers who fought by your side before they were corrupted and turned into monsters. They're lost and confused and still a little messed up, but they're getting the help they need.
:'''Jasper''': So? Who cares?
:'''Steven''': ''[angrily]'' I do! And if I didn't care, you'd still be a monster too!
:'''Jasper''': And what? Now I owe you?
:'''Steven''': No!
:'''Jasper''': You think because you did something I never asked for, I'm going to ''obey'' you?
:'''Steven''': No! That's not--
:'''Jasper''': Like all the other Gems you ''use.''
:'''Steven''': ''[frustrated]'' AGGGHHH! I only came here because I felt bad for you, but all of this is your own fault! All the other Gems were corrupted by the Diamonds, but-- but you corrupted yourself just to win a fight! Which you ''LOST!'' To ''ME!'' No one's making you stay here all alone in the middle of nowhere, ready to fight a war that's been over for years! Are you just gonna sit here for centuries waiting for someone to give you a purpose?! ''Because I'm trying to give you one!''
:'''Jasper''': Listen, weakling! You might have Pink Diamond's gem, but you are ''not'' my Diamond, and I am ''not'' going to take orders from some weak, sappy, useless piece of dirt! If you think you're hard enough to tell me what to do, then fight me and prove it.
:'''Steven''': Fine!
:'''Jasper''': ''[suddenly smiles eagerly]'' Really? Huh, well then! Why don't you throw the first punch? ''[beckons tauntingly, and Steven punches her, pushing her back a few feet]'' Ooohh...! ''[laughs aggressively and charges back at him]''
:'''Steven''': I... guess we're doing this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[During his fight with Jasper, Steven bubbles a nest of baby birds to protect them]''
:'''Jasper''': Stop trying to help those tiny flapping Earthlings, and ''FIGHT ME!'' 
:'''Steven''': I'll never stop trying to help them, or you!
:'''Jasper''': ''[kicking his shield away and pinning him down]'' I don't need your help! ''You're'' the one that needs help! You think you've beaten me, but you've never beaten me on your own! You've always been a fusion! You've always had your friends! Because you're nothing without them! You think everyone needs help!
:'''Steven''': ''[tearing up]'' I-- I just--  
:'''Jasper''': But ''it's only you. No one'' is as '''''pitiful''''' as '''''you!'''''
:''[Shaken and angry, Steven starts to glow pink and pushes Jasper back with a sudden burst of strength, much to her surprise]''
:'''Steven''': ''[looking at himself]'' Whoa... what? ''[Jasper grins, and Steven angrily summons a bubble glove and charges at her with it]'' I'M... ''NOT''... PITIFUL! ''[sends her flying back through several trees]''
:'''Jasper''': ''[chuckles]'' Ha. Not bad. ''[continues to fight Steven, who catches her in the middle of a spin-dash]'' Nice catch.
:'''Steven''': You should see my ''THROW!'' ''[tosses her up into the air, where she laughs as he hits her several more times]'' STOP LAUGHING! ''[sends her slamming back down into the ground, then gasps in shock and returns to normal]'' Jasper...
:'''Jasper''': ''[gets up and shakes herself off, impressed]'' Huh. I didn't think you had it in you.  
:'''Steven''': I don't... I don't know what that was. I'm sorry.  
:'''Jasper''': ''[rolling her eyes]'' Ugh! Don't apologize.  
:'''Steven''': I... think I had you all wrong. Maybe you don't have something to learn from me. Maybe I have something to learn from you. ''[Jasper raises an eyebrow]'' Would you ever be interested in teaching?  
:'''Jasper''': ''[scoffs]'' Tssh! At your crummy little school?
:'''Steven''': No, just me. You brought something out of me I didn't know I had.  
:'''Jasper''': ''[walks up to Steven, placing a hand on his shoulder]'' Consider that fight back there your first and ''only'' lesson. ''[begins walking off]''  
:'''Steven''': Well... can I come back to see you sometime?  
:'''Jasper''': Do what you want.

===''Guidance''===
:'''Larimar''': What is this wonderful noise?  
:'''Steven''': Those are the joyful screams of people on a roller coaster.  
:'''Larimar''': Human screams are my favorite of the Earth's delights. I want to hear the human screams forever.
:'''Steven''': Okay, that's kind of troubling. But your heart is in the right place.
:'''Larimar''': One day, I'll make ''you'' scream, Steven.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Larimar''': I just wanted to say thanks for the amusement park job. I'm not great at the roller-coaster operation, we know, but I found out I'm good at handing out prizes to children, and I love their laughter.
:'''Steven''': Aww.
:'''Larimar''': It sounds just like screaming.

===''Rose Buds''===
:'''Holly Blue Agate''': Stop relaxing and get back to your posts! Ugh! How can you stand this total lack of order?
:'''Amethyst Guard''': Chill out, Holly Blue. You know you want to.
:'''Holly Blue Agate''' I give up. No one answers to me, and I answer to no one. I'd give anything for an order from the Diamonds, but all they talk about is Steven, Steven, Steven -- Steven!
:'''Steven''': Hi, Holly.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[seeing all of the Rose Quartzes being un-bubbled]'' So... Many... Rose Quartzes. How did the--
:'''Superfan Rose''': Oh, now that it's Era 3, we were all unbubbled, so now, we're making up for lost time. Hi! I'm Rose Quartz, and you, you're Steven! You are so much smaller than I imagined! Is it because you're half organic? Can you believe it, Rose Quartz?!
:'''Hippie Rose''': It's like, we where bubbled, but now we're like, not bubbled.
:'''Steven''': Th-It's really-- It's really great.

===''Volleyball''===
:'''Steven''': So, how would you like your magical spit administered today?
:'''Ruby bodyguard''': Ah, geez, uh... the ''not'' kissing one?
:'''Steven''': You got it! ''[licks his palm and applies healing spit onto the Ruby's gem, healing the crack]'' Man, what kind of enemies does the mayor have to keep you landing in my office?
:'''Ruby bodyguard''': That's classified information, nurse-citizen Universe.
:'''Steven''': Okay, well, try not to classify too hard out there. Oh, don't forget your lollipop!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[On Pink Pearl's cracked face]''
:'''Pearl''': How could White be so careless?  
:'''Pink Pearl''': ''[chuckling]'' Oh, no, Pearl. You've got it all wrong. Pink did this.
:'''Pearl''': ''[shocked]'' What did you say? ''[approaches her]'' 
:'''Steven''': Pearl, no...!  
:'''Pink Pearl''': It's a funny story, really. Once, Pink got tired of asking Yellow and Blue for her own colony, so she went straight to White. Of course, White told her she wasn't fit to run one, and, well, that set her off. 
:'''Pearl''': &quot;Set her off&quot;? What are you talking about?  
:'''Pink Pearl''': You remember how she was, with her destructive powers, throwing tantrums left and right. She had a scream that could crack the walls. She didn't mean to hurt me. ''[chuckles]'' I just happened to be standing too close to her that time, and--  
:'''Steven''': ''[covering his ears anxiously]'' Doesn't matter! I'm gonna fix it!  
:'''Pearl''': Destructive powers?! Pink didn't have destructive powers, she was a healer! She didn't throw tantrums, she kept her feelings secret!
:'''Pink Pearl''': The Pink I knew couldn't keep a secret to save her gem.  
:'''Pearl''': Are you kidding?! If anything, she was ''too'' good at keeping secrets, even from me!
:''[Frustrated by their arguing, Steven furiously snaps and starts glowing pink]''
:'''Steven''': ''[lividly]'' ''STOP IT!'' I CAN'T DEAL WITH ''ONE MORE'' HORRIBLE THING SHE DID, OKAY?! ''[Both Pearls gasp]'' I DON'T WANNA HEAR ABOUT IT, I DON'T EVEN WANNA ''THINK'' ABOUT IT!
:'''Pearl''': Steven!
:'''Steven''': I JUST WANT TO '''''FIX IT!!!'''''
:''[Steven unleashes a shockwave that causes cracks around the room. Pink Pearl cowers in fear, and Steven looks at his own reflection in shock and remorse]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': I'm sorry for not believing you. It looks like I'm still making excuses for her. 
:'''Pink Pearl''': ''[tearfully]'' Is that what ''I've'' been doing?! But... she didn't mean to! 
:'''Pearl''': But you were hurt! Badly hurt! 
:'''Pink Pearl''': I was badly hurt... How did ''you'' stop hurting? 
:'''Pearl''': ''[embraces her tightly]'' I didn't.
:''[Pink Pearl returns the hug, and they fuse into Mega Pearl]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I'm so sorry. The whole trip was for nothing. 
:'''Mega Pearl''': No, it wasn't for nothing. Your mother's Pearls never had the whole picture. One knew your mother was trying to change, but she couldn't understand why. The other never expected her to change at all. Now, I get to understand everything. Now, they finally get to have each other.
:''[She separates into the two Pearls, peacefully holding hands]''

===''Bluebird''===
:'''Steven''': Tsk, tsk, tsk. You guys fused just because you hate me, didn't you?
:'''Aquamarine and &quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': Yes!
:'''Steven Universe''': If that's the only reason, then it's no wonder you can't keep it together.
:'''Aquamarine''': What are you talking about?
:'''Steven Universe''': There are so many other reasons to fuse, like friendship and responsibility and... and love. Imagine how much better it would feel to fuse to support each other, instead of tearing someone down. Your life would fill with warmth and friendship and joy and love and--
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': ''[covering her ears]'' Wowie, wow! He is ''so'' annoying!
:'''Aquamarine''': I hate him so much!
:'''Aquamarine and &quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': I know! Me too! ''[they fuse back into Bluebird Azurite]''
:'''Steven''': Are you kidding me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I'm really sorry, Dad. I never should have given Bluebird a chance.
:'''Greg''': I love how you believe in everyone. You stuck to your principles, and I'm proud of you. I mean, everyone can change, but not everyone wants to.

===''A Very Special Episode''===
:'''Ocean Jasper''': I slip on the stairs?
:'''Garnet''': Yes. You shatter on impact.
:''[Ocean Jasper and a Nephrite scream]''
:'''Steven''': ''[enters through the door]'' Garnet, I'm here.
:'''Garnet''': Steven, help. I think I'm scaring them.
:'''Steven''': It's okay. We got this. Let's get this safety Geminar started with a very special guest speaker.
:''[They both dance and fuse into Sunstone]''
:'''Sunstone''': Your rockin' pal Sunstone's here to shine.
:'''Ocean Jasper''': Watch out, Sunstone. It's dangerous in here.
:'''Sunstone''': Not if you practice home safety. Don't slip up. Clear objects off the stairs. Foul shot! Make sure you cover your trash, or you might attract wild animals. Come on. Let's go! Don't leave the water running, it could flood your house. Put protective covers on electrical outlets, especially when kids are around. And most importantly, turn off motion smoothing on your TV.
:'''Ocean Jasper''': Wow, everything looks so much better!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Steven receives a call from Pearl, who he left to take care of Onion]''
:'''Steven''': ''[exhausted]'' Please, please have everything under control...  
:'''Pearl''': STEVEN! EVERYTHING IS OUT OF CONTROL!
:'''Steven''': Yup...
:'''Pearl''': It's getting really weird here! Steven, you were never like this, you were such a good kid! I'm so sorry I never told you that! Aah! I... I can hear him, but I can't see him! I think he's in the walls! I don't know how he got there, and I don't know how to get him out! ''[call ends]''
:'''Steven''': ''[long gasp]'' Garnet, can you handle things on your own for a little bit?  
:'''Garnet''': No problem. Our students love me. ''[walks over to them]'' Let me tell you all the ways you can get hit by a car.  
:'''Steven''': Agh, Garnet! Forget it. I'll stay. I'll stay!  
:'''Pearl''': ''[in another call]'' STEVEN, THERE'S A SNAKE!
:'''Steven''': Never mind!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rainbow Quartz 2.0''': Why play with sharp objects when you can play with my sharp wit? Crack jokes, not cookie jars, as I always say. Ha ha!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': It's important to keep in mind that all these horrible things ''did'' happen to you in alternate timelines. Safety is fun.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Onion has led Garnet's students off a cliff]''
:'''Pearl''': Oh, no!
:'''Garnet''': Steven, quick! Sunstone can save them!
:'''Steven''': Okay... ''[they fuse into Sunstone]'' 
:'''Sunstone''': Oh, yeah!
:'''Pearl''': No! Let Rainbow save them! ''[fuses with Steven]''  
:'''Rainbow Quartz 2.0''': ''[showing his umbrella]'' I'll catch them with this!  
:'''Amethyst''': ''[rushing in]'' Hey, wait! ''I'' need Steven!
:'''Steven''' ''[unfuses from Pearl]'' What is it, Amethyst?  
:'''Amethyst''': I just miss you, man! I haven't seen you for, like, eleven minutes!

===''Snow Day''===
:'''Amethyst''': ''[enters with fried eggs for eyes]'' You really gonna skip the most egg-ssential meal of the day?
:'''Steven''': Of course not. I've got all my morning nutrients in this protein shake.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[pokes yolk to leak]'' Dude, you're making me sad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': Man, you had a better work-life balance when the Diamonds were trying to destroy the planet.
:'''Steven''': That was then. This is now.
:'''Amethyst''': Hey, you know what we haven't done in a long time? ''[shapeshifts into 14-year-old Steven]'' Steven Tag!
:'''Steven''': Amethyst, what the heck?!
:'''Amethyst''': You know the rules, buster. You get tagged, you have to turn into Steven.
:'''Steven''': But I'm already Steven!
:'''Amethyst''': Nah, bruh. ''Classic'' Steven.
:'''Steven''': ''Classic Steven''?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Pearl gets tagged in Garnet and Amethyst's new game of Steven Tag]''
:'''Steven''': Ha! Joke's on you! Pearl doesn't shapeshift! ''[Pearl starts to glow]'' Huh?
:'''Pearl''': ''[shapeshifts into Steven]'' THE POWER OF STEVEN TAG COMPELS ME!
:'''Steven''': ''[chuckles]'' Wow. Good for her.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': It was a snowman... ''[takes off her visor]'' with Steven's jacket. NOOOOOO!
:'''Steven''': ''[shivering]'' They'll never stop until they make me play.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I really didn't want to do this, but you leave me no choice. I ''JOIN'' THE GAME!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': You shouldn't have messed with me. Huh? ''[gets tagged by Sapphire]''
:'''Sapphire''': Tag.
:'''Steven''': ''[falls off the lighthouse]'' Oh, no. Is this the end of my adult life?

===''Why So Blue?''===
:'''Steven''' You're right. This is harder than usual.  
:'''Lapis''': You've just got to force them to stop. This is going to be a fight. They're not nice like me.  
:'''Steven''': Umm...  
:'''Lapis''': Exactly.  
:'''Steven''': They just don't understand that they're doing harm. Y-you get it. What made it click for you?  
:'''Lapis''': ''A cycle of horrible torture.'' ''[smiling]'' But other than that, living in nature, getting creative.
:'''Steven''': Yeah! Come on, we can do that for them.  
:'''Lapis''': Okay. Just a little torture.  
:'''Steven''': N-no, just the other stuff. 
:'''Lapis''': ''[sighs]'' Fine, we'll try it your way.
:''[They head back to the two Lapis Lazulis]'' 
:'''Steven''': Hey, so, why don't we explore the many things that you can do that don't involve destroying worlds?  
:'''&quot;Mean&quot; Lapis''': Should we listen to him?  
:'''&quot;Nice&quot; Lapis''': He is half-Diamond. Maybe, we should half-listen.  
:'''Steven''': I'll take that as a &quot;yes.&quot; Let's go. 

===''Little Graduation''===
:'''Lars''': ''[about Shep]'' Say hi to them for me.

===''Prickly Pair''===
:'''Cactus Steven''': I can't tell Pearl how I feel, 'cause she'd blame herself! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cactus Steven''': I can't hear any more high and mighty advice from Garnet! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cactus Steven''': I'm so sick of Amethyst acting like she's so mature now!
:'''Amethyst''': Why's it being so weirdly specific?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': Hey, dude?
:'''Pearl''': Is there anything you need to talk about?
:'''Steven''': ''[softly]'' ... I think I've said enough.

===''In Dreams''===
:''[After Steven and Peridot have watched the'' Camp Pining Hearts ''reboot]''
:'''Steven''': Wha…? Wha…?!
:'''Steven and Peridot''': '''''WHAT HAVE THEY DONE?!?!?'''''  
:'''Peridot''': What is with this Rodrigo guy?! He has no charisma!  
:'''Steven''': And can we talk about this cinematography?!  
:'''Peridot''': GAAAH, THEY'VE CHANGED ''ALL'' THE CHARACTERS, AND I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THEM! ''[grabs the television]'' HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?! ''[sobs] Camp Pining Hearts'' helped me escape when everything around me was in chaos...  
:'''Steven''': ''CPH'' brought us together... 
:'''Peridot''': And now, LOOK AT THIS NIGHTMARE! ''[the TV suddenly shows Steven's dream]'' Steven?! You didn't tell me that they cast you!  
:'''Steven''': What?! They didn't. I-Is this... my dream from last night? ''[on the TV, after Steven falls and the dream ends, it goes back to'' Camp Pining Hearts ''again]'' Whoa! My- My powers must be interfering with the TV signal!  
:'''Peridot''': ''[delighted]'' Steven! Do you know what this means?!  
:'''Steven''': I have to start wearing a tinfoil hat?  
:'''Peridot''': No! It means that if we can put your dreams on the television, we can reboot the reboot!  
:'''Steven''': &quot;Reboot the...?&quot; Peridot, you're a genius!  
:'''Peridot''': I know.
:'''Steven''': And, well, it might be fun to fix something that isn't the entire universe.  
:'''Peridot''': ''[grabs him with one arm]'' This is going to be the beginning of Peridot and Steven Productions!  
:'''Steven''': Yeah-- whoa! ''[topples onto her]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': Peridot! We've always had something to fix together - the Cluster, the Diamonds, or Spinel! I don't think I know how to be a friend without something to fix! But I... I just can't do it anymore! I'm so tired... Now I'm even doing it in my dreams! I'm sorry, I can't do this for you. Please don't leave! Don't... leave!
:''[The dream stops, in the manner of a TV turning off; Steven awakens, in tears, to Peridot's concerned voice]''
:'''Peridot''': Steven? Steven! STEVEN! Steven, I saw everything! It's-- It's fine! We don't have to do this anymore. ''[hugs him and starts tearing up]'' I don't care about the show, and I ''definitely'' don't care about Rodrigo! Hrrrgh, I'm such a clod!
:'''Steven''': But I really wanted to spend time with you! I just... wanted an excuse to hang out.
:'''Peridot''': We don't need an excuse to hang out.
:'''Steven''': Can... we still watch ''CPH'' together? Even if it sucks?
:'''Peridot''': ''[removes her visor to wipe her eyes, and smiles]'' Of course.
:''[Later, they watch the show]''
:'''Jasmine''': ''[in the show, angrily]'' How could you lie to me like that, Rodrigo?! I guess you just can't help being a bad person!
:''[Steven and Peridot laugh]''
:'''Peridot''': Jasmine, you just ''buried a body in the woods'', and now you're mad that Rodrigo cheated at ''cards?!''
:''[They laugh again]''
:'''Peridot''': This show is the worst!
:'''Steven''': ''[smiling warmly at her]'' This show is the best.

===''Bismuth Casual''===
:''[At the Starlight Roller Rink]''
:'''Bismuth''': Woooow! So you mean to tell me people pay to have wheels strapped to their feet for fun? That is really something else.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Patricia''': You should have seen Daniel earlier. He was all bent out of shape 'cos his mom tore into him over his last test scores!
:'''Daniel''': ''[groans]'' You know, I kind of forgot about it for a sec.
:'''Steven''': Heh... I know how that is. One time, White Diamond tore into me... literally! ''[laughs awkwardly]'' She, uh, she took my gem - I'm part Gem, by the way - she pulled it right out of my body.
:'''Daniel''': Okay...?
:'''Patricia''': So what grade are you in, Steven?
:'''Steven''': Grade? Err, uh... sixteen?
:'''Patricia''': ''[laughs]''
:'''Daniel''': So you're taking AP classes?
:'''Steven''': Uh...
:'''Connie''': Y'all ready to skate?
:'''Patricia''': Heck, yeah!
:''[Connie, Patricia and Daniel skate away]''
:'''Steven''': I really blew that one. Bet if they were enemy Gems, we'd be best friends by now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Pearl forms a roll of toilet paper from her gem and gives it to Bismuth]''
:'''Pearl''': Oh, here, take this. Every human has at least one of these in their homes. Sometimes they even use it ''[secretively]'' for vandalism! Good luck out there! ''[starts skating away]''
:'''Bismuth''': Wait, where are you going?
:'''Pearl''': You don't need me anymore, Bismuth - the humans already love you! I'm going to make some new connections of my own! ''[to a random skater]'' Hello, fellow skater! Would you like a fresh roll? ''[forms another roll]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': When Connie and I were fighting to save the universe, things were sort of easier. We were fighting the same fight. Now it's like we're living different lives. I wonder if I'm even her best friend anymore...
:'''Bismuth''': ''[pounds the table firmly]'' How long has this been going on?
:'''Steven''': Err... couple of months.
:'''Bismuth''': Listen, Steven. Pearl brought me here to set me up with her friends, but Connie came here to be with ''you.'' You've got nothing to mope about.
:'''Steven''': But her friends think I'm weird.
:'''Bismuth''': Of course you're weird! You're a Crystal Gem! Connie knows that, she's always known that! That never stopped you from being friends!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Steven collapses in the rink]''
:'''Connie''': Steven! Are you okay?
:'''Steven''': Connie, I'm sorry... I don't wanna hold you back.
:'''Connie''': I don't mind.
:'''Steven''': You've got school, new friends, you're going places and... I'm happy for you. But I feel like you're drifting away from me. I wish we could reconnect, but... BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SKATE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Steven and Connie win the skating contest as Stevonnie]''
:'''Patricia''': Steven, Connie, that was amazing!
:'''Daniel''': What the heck was that out there?
:'''Connie''': Oh, fusion? Yeah, that's kind of our thing.
:'''Steven''': It's something I picked up from my mom's side of the family.
:'''Daniel''': The only thing I get from my mom's side of the family is ''stressed out.''
:'''Steven''': ''[chuckles]'' Same...

===''Together Forever''===
:''[After Connie turns down Steven's proposal]''
:'''Steven''': I don't get it. Ruby and Sapphire said I should go for it.  
:'''Garnet''': You can't trust love advice from those two hopeless romantics.  
:'''Steven''': Then why didn't you stop me?  
:'''Garnet''': There was no future where you didn't propose to Connie.  
:'''Steven''': Of course...
:'''Garnet''': ''[hugs him]'' Your soulmate is your complement, not your missing piece. Ruby and Sapphire love being together, but they each have their own individual lives. Whatever hole there is in your life, Steven, I want you to understand that Connie-Stevonnie won't be able to fill it.

===''Growing Pains''===
:'''Priyanka''': Steven, do you remember anything bad in your childhood that particularly stuck with you?
:'''Steven''': I guess…I kind of freaked out when they [[w:Gem Glow|cancelled my favorite ice cream]]. And then I got attacked by a giant bug monster. And I got trapped in a bubble and almost drowned. I lost control of my body and turned into a blob of cats. I almost turned so old I died. Amethyst almost died. Pearl [[w:Steven the Sword Fighter|''did'' die]]. Garnet got destabilized right in front of me. I woke up with a black eye, [[w:Jail Break (Steven Universe)|imprisoned on a spaceship]]--
:'''Priyanka''': Steven, this is serious.
:'''Steven''': But that was just the early stuff.
:'''Priyanka''': I think all these experiences have been subjecting your body to a harmful amount of stress, and that's affecting your ability to respond to new forms of stress in a healthy way. You've been dealing with genuine threats from such a young age, your body is now responding to minor threats as if your life were in danger.
:'''Steven''': But, why am I only swelling up now?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Greg''': Come on, Steven, talk to me.
:'''Steven''': ''[tearing up]'' I... well... I, um... I proposed to Connie!
:'''Greg''': You what?!
:'''Steven''': She said no.
:'''Greg''': Oh, Steven...
:'''Steven''': My body... it's reacting like it's the end of the world. I think I've seen the world almost end so many times now that ''everything'' that goes wrong feels that... that extreme! I should be feeling so good these days! The Earth is safe, it's Era 3... But I'm swelling up over these third era problems! What do I do? How do I move on from all the stuff I've been through? How do I live life if it always feels like I'm about to die?!
:'''Greg''': It's gonna be all right, Stewball. I'm here for you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I guess I thought I could just follow Connie to college, like if we got married I'd know what to do with myself. But I'm the one that's gotta figure that stuff out.
:'''Greg''': Cut yourself some slack! It's okay to be worried and make some mistakes when you're figuring out what to do with your life. That's not unusual. Uh, well, the magic swelling is a little unusual, but that's okay too! If you want to be a giant boy, we can use the car wash as a shower.

=== ''Mr. Universe'' ===
:'''Steven''': I don't need this song! I need...I need what you had!
:'''Greg''': What?
:'''Steven''': I wish I could've grown up at a house like that.
:'''Greg''': No you don't!
:'''Steven''': Maybe your parents weren't so bad. Maybe they gave you curfews and chaperones and meatloaf f-for a reason!
:'''Greg''': Steven, you don't know what they were like!
:'''Steven''': They can't be worse then mom's family. I went halfway across the galaxy for them, and this was right here?!
:'''Greg''': Steven, I couldn't do anything growing up. Everything I liked, or wore, wanted was always wrong! Trust me, you're better off then I was.
:'''Steven''': I can't believe I never realized, you're... you're just like Mom! ''[turns pink as his grip tightens on the steering wheel]''
:'''Greg''': You grew up with actual freedom!
:'''Steven''': I grew up in a ''van!'' I never went to school! I've never been to the doctor until two days ago!
:'''Greg''': Steven! You're a gem! You're not like other kids!
:'''Steven''': I could have done all that stuff! My problem isn't that I'm a gem, my problem is that I'm a ''UNIVERSE!!''

===''Fragments''===
:'''Pearl''': How could this happen? You crashed the van with Greg inside? You know how fragile he is, these pink outbursts of yours are getting out of hand.
:'''Steven''': It's not an ''[turns pink]'' OUTBURST!
:'''Pearl''': See? This is exactly what I'm talking about! What's happening to you?
:'''Steven''': Nothing! ...It's nothing.
:'''Pearl''': S-Steven! Where are you going?! We're not pro- ''[Steven summons out a generated force field]'' Steven! Drop this wall!
:'''Steven''': Pearl, sorry. I'm trying- I just… need… some space, OK? I'll be in my room.
:'''Amethyst''': Not so fast, my dude. You gotta tell us what's going on.
:'''Garnet''': It looks like Steven is trying to avoid a serious discussion about this ''all'' together.
:'''Steven''': '''NO, I'M''' &lt;big&gt;'''NOT!!!'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[slams his fist into the stairs, unleashing a room-wrecking shockwave]''
:'''Garnet''': Steven, you have got to calm down and talk to us!
:'''Amethyst''': Just chill, man!
:'''Steven''': Nnghh…
:'''Pearl''': We need to do something about this before someone gets hurt!
:'''Steven''': NNGGHH…
:'''Garnet''': Don't let this power control you. You're better than this.
:'''Steven''': NNGGHH… &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; ''[notices the Gems are walking in slow-motion]'' I'm…speeding up again. I gotta get out of here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': This thing with my powers is a real problem!
:'''Jasper''': The only problem you have are your friends.
:'''Steven''': Huh?
:'''Jasper''': Can't you see they're holding you back?
:'''Steven''': What? No, they're-- they're just worried about me.
:'''Jasper''': They're afraid. Of your power.
:'''Steven''': Yeah... yeah, I guess so...
:'''Jasper''': You are too. You came all the way out here to hide from it. But ''I'm'' not here to hide. I don't stifle my anger or my power; I channel it into training!
:'''Steven''': Oh, right... this destroyed forest.
:'''Jasper''': I've got no one to serve, nowhere to go. All I have left is '''''POWER!''' [she punches a tree, completely smashing it apart]'' And in order to control that power, I have to ''use'' it. Those so-called &quot;friends&quot; of yours don't understand. They want you to feel bad for being yourself.
:'''Steven''': I ''do'' feel bad… ''[steps over to another tree and punches it, cringing in pain and remorse]''
:'''Jasper''': YEAH, DESTROY THAT WEAKLING TREE!
:'''Steven''': No! ''[kisses the tree, healing it and making grass sprout around it]''
:'''Jasper''': Ugh! Gross! That's disgusting! Bleh! No! The grass! ''[tears at it]'' Get outta here! ''[grabs Steven]'' Quit helping the local ecosystem recover!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[On Steven's new, more muscular form]''
:'''Jasper''': Hm. Not bad for three days of work. ''[Steven kisses one of his biceps]'' I didn't teach you that…

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jasper''': What are you holding back for?! You think I can't take it? I'm not gonna coddle you, Steven! Do you wanna go home to your gems?
:'''Steven''': No…
:'''Jasper''': Are you afraid to be strong? Are you pathetic? Are you ''weak?''
:'''Steven''': &lt;big&gt;'''''I'M NOT!!!!!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': You're right, Jasper. I ''have'' been holding back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Having shattered Jasper after losing control in their rematch, Steven hurries back to his bathroom and dips the fragments into Diamond aura potions]''
:'''Steven''': Please, please let this work! ''[crying]'' Jasper, I'm sorry. Please… come back. ''[his tears add Pink's aura to the mix]'' Please…
:''[After a while, Jasper's gem glows and heals, and she reforms]''
:'''Jasper''': ''[panting]'' Huh? What? You... ''shattered'' me?
:'''Steven''': Jasper! I-I'm so sorry, I should have stopped! I-I just wasn't thinking!  
:'''Jasper''': ''[steps out of the bathtub and bows on one knee]'' I bow to your strength… ''my Diamond.''  
:'''Steven''': ''[horrified]'' No...!

===''Homeworld Bound''===
:'''Pearl''': ''[knocks on the bathroom door]'' Steven?
:'''Amethyst''': What's going on in there? ''[Jasper emerges]'' Jasper?!
:'''Pearl''': What are you-?
:'''Amethyst''': Where's Steven?!
:'''Jasper''': Right here. ''[steps aside, revealing him looking scared and depressed]''
:'''Amethyst''': Steven? Where have you been?!
:''[Steven walks off upstairs to his conservatory]''
:'''Pearl''': You can't just disappear for days without telling us!
:'''Jasper''': My Diamond can do has he pleases.
:'''Amethyst''': Wait, what?!
:'''Pearl''': Why are you calling him that?!
:'''Garnet''': Steven!
:'''Pearl''': Where is he going?!
:''[The Gems follow Steven to his conservatory]''
:'''Pearl''': Steven, wait!
:'''Garnet''': You don't need to go.
:''[Steven turns pink and puts a barrier in front of the Gems as he sighs]''
:'''Amethyst''': What the HECK?!
:'''Steven''': You guys… I love you, but you ''can't'' help me anymore. I've been avoiding the only people in the entire universe who can. Please, don't follow me. You too, Jasper. Find something better to do with your life.
:'''Garnet''': Steven! Remember, we'll always be your family.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Spinel''': STEVEN! ''[grabs him and kisses him]''
:'''Steven''': ''[turning pink]'' Spinel, what is wrong with you?!
:'''Spinel''': Oh, y'know, the usual.
:'''Steven''': ''[turning back to normal]'' So, how've you been since, err...?
:'''Spinel''': Since I tried to kill you? That was so embarrassing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[controlling White Diamond]'' Whoa. This is… so weird. I'm-I'm, I'm a Diamond. This- This is the last thing I needed to see. I don't wanna be you! I don't wanna be anything like you! Why won't you just go '''AWAY?!''' ''[punches a pillar]'' Don't hurt me! She can't hurt me. I'm controlling her. So why am I so afraid? ''[flashes back to his memory of White pulling his gemstone out; scowls angrily]'' '''''She's''''' the one who should be afraid.
:'''White Diamond''': ''[talking in Steven's voice]'' What's- what's going on? ''[Steven starts controlling her like a puppet]'' What? No, stop it. I don't like this!
:'''Steven''': Too bad. ''[force controls White by walking toward a pillar]''
:'''White Diamond''': Let me go! ''[grabs hold of the pillar]'' Please! You're scaring me!
:'''Steven''': This is for EVERYTHING you put me through! ''[forces White Diamond’s head to slam into the pillar, in an attempt to shatter her gemstone, instead, snaps them out of it and hits his own head, allowing White Diamond to regain her control again]''
:'''White Diamond''': ''[breathing; horrified]'' What… what ''was'' that?!
:'''Steven''': I-I don't know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Spinel''': Hey, buddy, where you going?
:'''Steven''': Wait a second - ''you'' used to have vengeful thoughts!
:'''Spinel''': ''[awkwardly]'' Ooooh, yeah... but I don't get 'em anymore.
:'''Steven''': How did you make them stop?
:'''Spinel''': I met a little someone named Steven Universe! And he told me: ''[singing]'' [[w:Steven Universe: The Movie|IIIIII, I can make a chaaaaange! You can make a promise...]]
:'''Steven''': Gah! Don't give me my own advice!

===''Everything's Fine''===
:'''Steven''': Hey, Connie, what's up?
:'''Connie''': Steven! Good, you finally picked up! I can't believe we haven't spoken since the hospital. How are you?
:'''Steven''': I'm great! Never been better!
:'''Connie''': Really? Have you had any more issues with swelling and glowing pink?
:'''Steven''': Um... Nope? Well, maybe, but how about you? How's college prep?
:'''Connie''': Steven, that's, uh- It's fine, but what do you mean, maybe?
:'''Steven''': Look, there's nothing to worry about. I'm OK.
:'''Connie''': Steven...
:'''Steven''': I should go. I don't wanna wake up the Gems.
:'''Connie''': But they don't even sleep!
:'''Steven''': Uh, bye!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While trying to help in Bismuth's workshop]''
:'''Steven''': Ooh, look at that. Now you have ''two'' anvils.
:'''Bismuth''': Noooo! My anvil! My beautiful anvil!
:'''Steven''': Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, my work here is done. Well, toodles!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connie''': Steven!
:'''Steven''': Huh?
:'''Connie''': I knew it! You ''are'' swelling and glowing again. I've been trying to call you, but I came as soon as I saw this. ''[holds out her phone, on which Steven, glowing and swelled up, is doing the plant Steven's dance and looping the message &quot;Steven's here to help!&quot;]'' What is going on?
:'''Steven''': I... broadcast my subconscious sometimes these days. It's really no big deal.
:'''Connie''': Okay, but... I can tell something is bothering you. ''[holds out her phone again; the message makes some statics]''
:'''Steven''': Ah, I don't know what you're talking about. I'm fine! Awesome, in fact. Come on, you've seen me when I wasn't doing well.
:'''Greg''': Steven, if being like this is what you want, then we'll support you one hundred percent. Whatever makes you happy. But, if you're not happy, if something's wrong-
:'''Steven''': Nothing's wrong! Besides, I don't want you to worry.
:'''Connie''': We ''are'' worried!
:'''Greg''': Steven, you know you can tell us anything.
:'''Steven''': It's not that easy! You know what? I don't have to deal with this! ''[walks towards the door, but Amethyst, Pearl, and Connie block his way]''
:'''Amethyst''': Hold up, dude.
:'''Garnet''': Steven, you need to stop running.
:'''Greg''': Please.
:''[Steven starts groaning in frustration, his head briefly swelling out of shape]''
:'''Connie''': Steven, we should get you back to the hospital.
:'''Amethyst and Pearl''': HOSPITAL?!
:'''Pearl''': When were you in the hospital?!
:'''Connie''': You didn't tell them?!
:'''Steven''': 	''[becoming hysterical, starting to laugh uneasily]'' It wasn't that important, you guys! You're making a big deal out of nothing. Have I done some things wrong? Sure! I trashed the house today, I broke an anvil - what teenager hasn't? Dad and I had a little disagreement, but that's practically a rite of passage! I mean, it would be weird if we didn't, right? And ''maybe'' I've had a not-so-nice thought or two about, like, you know, slamming White Diamond's head through a pillar, but it's not like I actually went through with it! I only ''actually'' shattered Jasper!
:''[Pearl gasps in horrified shock]''
:'''Amethyst''': WHAT?!
:''[Garnet, Connie, and Greg gasp]''
:'''Connie''': You're- you're joking, right?
:'''Steven''': Oh, don't worry! I fixed that too! I can fix ''anything!'' I can just keep messing up and fixing things forever, and you'll never have to know or think about any of it!
:'''Garnet''': Steven...
:'''Steven''': ''[sighs as he finally loses it]'' How messed up is that? That I've gotten away with this for so long? You have ''no'' idea how bad I am! Y-You think I'm so great, and I'm so mature, and I always know what to do! But ''that's'' not true! I haven't learned a thing from my problems! They've all just made me worse! You all think of me as some angel, but I'm not that kid anymore! ''[close-up on his scowl]'' I'm a fraud. ''[falls to the floor as his breaths become shaky]'' I'm a fraud. I'm a MONSTER! ''[massive pink spikes burst out of his back, tearing his shirt with everyone taking  a step back, with plain terror]''

===''I Am My Monster''===
:'''Greg''': ''[calling out]'' Just calm down, son! Take deep breaths! Deep breaths!
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah! Relax, buddy!
:'''Peridot''': Let's hurry up and clobber that thing!
:'''Garnet''': Stand down.
:'''Peridot''': What for?!
:'''Lapis''': Where's Steven?
:'''Garnet''': That ''is'' Steven.
:'''Peridot, Bismuth, &amp; Lapis''': ''[shocked]'' '''WHAT?!'''
:''[Monster Steven bashes his head against the cliff of the temple, causing an avalanche of boulders to fall]''
:'''Garnet''': RUN!
:'''Amethyst''': He's not listening to us at all!
:'''Pearl''': What happened to him? First, he says he's a shatterer and then he's turned into this...''thing''!
:'''Connie''': We can change him back, can't we?
:'''Garnet''': As long as he believes he's a monster, he'll ''stay'' one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Spinel''': ''[jumps out of the Diamond ship, holding Steven's flip flop]'' You forgot your foot thong thingy! ''[sees Steven as a monster]'' OOOH, OH!
:''[The Diamonds walk out of the ship]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What is going on here?
:'''White Diamond''': Why is something like this ''always'' happening when we show up for a visit?
:'''Blue Diamond''': What is that thing?
:'''Garnet''': That &quot;thing&quot; is Steven.
:''[Blue, White Diamond, and Spinel gasp in shock]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': WHAT?!
:'''White Diamond''': Impossible!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Is he corrupted?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': But how?
:'''Garnet''': Never mind that. We have to change him back.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Leave it to me. ''[she catches Monster Steven's head in an energy aura and tries to shrink it down, only for it to revert back immediately, to her confusion]'' With my new power, I should be able to alter his physical form.
:'''Blue Diamond''': He's resisting. Maybe he needs to feel better first. I can help with that. ''[she sends a cloud of joy towards Monster Steven, but he blows it right back]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Look out! ''[the cloud hits her and Spinel, and they start laughing uncontrollably]'' Wow! Your new power didn't work either!
:'''White Diamond''': ''[pushes Yellow and Blue aside and approaches Monster Steven]'' Enough. I know exactly how to help. If I connect with him and he speaks through me, maybe we'll understand what he's going through. Now then, do you hear me, Steven? ''[her gem glows and the atmosphere's colors change]'' Just relax and let me in… Wait-- ''[her eyes glow, and she cries out and falls back as Yellow and Blue catch her]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': White!
:'''Blue Diamond''': What happened?!
:'''White Diamond''': ''[horrified]'' That's ''not'' Steven anymore!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': Guys, look! The Cluster is trying to hold Steven back!
:'''Peridot''': I can't believe it! He's even stronger than the Cluster!
:'''Bismuth''': Don't let your guard down. He could break free at any moment!
:'''Pearl''': Deep inside this…monster, Steven must be in there, so angry.
:'''Amethyst''': I knew something was going on. I- Why didn't I ''do'' something?!
:'''Sapphire''': ''[crying]'' If we don't get through to him, he'll stay like this ''forever!'' ''[starts sobbing along with Ruby while Lapis watches]''
:'''Amethyst''': ''[to Greg as he takes a few steps back]'' Dude, you should get outta here before you get hurt!
:'''Greg''': ''[stomps his foot]'' NO! Everytime Gem stuff happens, I run the other way! This is ''my'' son! And he's right to be angry, because I didn't protect him!
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[tearing up; crying]'' You didn't protect him from us! He's like this because of us!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[crying]'' ''We're'' the source of Steven's suffering!
:'''Spinel''': ''[breaks down, sobbing hysterically and blowing her nose into her pigtails]'' THIS IS ''MY'' FAULT!
:'''White Diamond''': ''[crying]'' Spinel, don't be silly. Everyone knows that all of this is because of ''me!''
:'''Spinel''': No, it's ME! I tried to wipe his friends' memories, so he would die alone on a barren world!
:'''White Diamond''': ''[crying and sobbing]'' That was because you were angry with Pink! And if Pink hurt you, it was because ''I'' hurt ''her!'' Like I hurt Yellow and Blue and Steven and everyone in the entire universe! This is all ''my'' fault!
:'''Connie''': YES, it is! ''[rides in on Lion]'' Yes, you hurt him, but this isn't the time to make this all about you! That is not helping! Maybe Steven would care how sad you are, because he always puts everyone else's feelings first! But he can't do that for you right now, because he needs ''us'' this time! We all have Steven when we needed him. But the only person who's never had Steven is Steven! He's ''always'' been there for us, so… how can we be there for him now?
:''[Ruby and Sapphire smile and fuse back into Garnet]''
:'''Garnet''': I know how. 
:''[Monster Steven breaks free of the Cluster's hand, defeats it and charges at the beach]''
:'''Garnet''': Okay! No time to waste. Yellow, make me as big as him!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Right.
:'''Garnet''': Blue, lift everyone up!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Of course.
:'''Garnet''': Everyone, get in line!
:'''Greg''': You got it!
:'''Garnet''': It's time to show Steven… some love.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': ''[hugging her arms tightly around Monster Steven while he's struggling; calmly]'' Steven, when I fell apart, you were there for me. I want to be there for ''you'' now. I'm here, Steven. I'm here.
:'''Lapis''': This is working? You hear us? Steven! ''[comes and hugs him]''
:''[Everyone comes in for the hug too]''
:'''Greg''': I'm here, Schtu-Ball! Whatever you need, I'll make it happen! You hear me?!
:'''Peridot''': Steven! You never gave up on me for some reasons I don't understand! I'll do the same for you!
:'''Amethyst''': I know you feel bad! Believe me, I get it! Sometimes it feels like you're never gonna like yourself but… it's possible, man!
:'''Pearl''': Steven, I know how awful it feels to keep a part of yourself secret! You shouldn't have to hide anything from me!
:''[Monster Steven stammers emotionally, and the Cluster's hand reappears and takes his]''
:'''Connie''': ''[jumps off Lion's head and lands on Monster Steven's nose, walks closer to his face and hugs him; sighs]'' Steven… you must have been ''so'' afraid to show us this side of yourself. But we're not going anywhere. We're all gonna take care of you the same way you took care of us. You know what? I don't have your powers, but… ''[kisses him with a pink droplet appearing]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[wakes up, back to his normal human-self, still crying]'' Huh? ''[looks and sees everyone smiling at him]'' Wha…I… Did-Did I-I'm- ''[Lion pops up and licks him; chuckling]'' Lion. ''[hugs Lion]'' Lion! ''[begins sobbing, letting out his emotions]''

===''The Future''===
:'''Jasper''': ''[bursts through the wall, staying aloof]'' Heard you’re leaving. ''[faces at Steven]'' I’m coming with you!
:'''Steven''': Jasper, I’m going ''alone.''
:'''Jasper''': Then who will protect you?!
:'''Steven''': I can protect myself.
:'''Jasper''': ''[sighs disappointingly, scowls]'' I know. ''[punches a hole in the ground and looks the opposite direction]'' Farewell, my Diamond. ''[headbutts the wall, creating another Jasper-shaped hole next to the previous one, walks through it]''
:'''Steven''': Whoa! Even Jasper's more upset than my own family!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Garnet''': I couldn't resist looking into your future. I peeked, and I saw a possibility that our tears would keep you from leaving. But I also saw many paths ahead of you, and we are a part of ''all'' of them. Wherever you end up, we will visit you to talk, to listen, to be there – whenever you need us. We love you, Steven.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
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[[Category:Steven Universe]]</text>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-26T14:50:18Z</timestamp>
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      <comment>/* The Future */</comment>
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      <text bytes="48334" xml:space="preserve">----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]]
----
{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Steven Universe Future|Steven Universe Future]]''''' (2019–2020) is an animated limited series produced by [[w:Cartoon Network|Cartoon Network]] as an epilogue for [[Steven Universe (season 5)|Season 5]] of ''[[Steven Universe]]'' and ''[[Steven Universe: The Movie]]''.

==Episodes==
===''Little Homeschool''===
:'''Steven''': ''[narrating]'' Life is a little different these days. The Diamonds have ended their reign of terror. The intergalactic war is over, and Earth is officially an independent planet. We're all safe to explore our dreams. Lars opened up his own pastry shop, and it's got a real cute space gimmick goin' on. Sadie's been touring with The Suspects, promoting their new album, and Connie has been getting a head start on college prep. She's two years away from applying, but she says it doesn't hurt to start early. And speaking of higher education, Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl and I have been cooking up a dream of our own!
:'''Cherry Quartz''': I have no idea who you're talking about.
:'''Steven''': ''[chuckling]'' Don't worry about it. You'll learn all that, and more, right here at Little Homeschool. ''[gives Cherry Quartz a tour around]'' Here at Little Homeschool, you have a chance to rediscover yourself and learn to live on Earth if you like. You can forge a new identity. Grow your own ideas. And even find your inner Morp!
:'''Cherry Quartz''': Wait, what's a &quot;Morp&quot;?
:'''Steven''': That's ''exactly'' the kind of question we love to hear!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': You know, half those Gems are soldiers who fought by your side before they were corrupted and turned into monsters. They're lost and confused and still a little messed up, but they're getting the help they need.
:'''Jasper''': So? Who cares?
:'''Steven''': ''[angrily]'' I do! And if I didn't care, you'd still be a monster too!
:'''Jasper''': And what? Now I owe you?
:'''Steven''': No!
:'''Jasper''': You think because you did something I never asked for, I'm going to ''obey'' you?
:'''Steven''': No! That's not--
:'''Jasper''': Like all the other Gems you ''use.''
:'''Steven''': ''[frustrated]'' AGGGHHH! I only came here because I felt bad for you, but all of this is your own fault! All the other Gems were corrupted by the Diamonds, but-- but you corrupted yourself just to win a fight! Which you ''LOST!'' To ''ME!'' No one's making you stay here all alone in the middle of nowhere, ready to fight a war that's been over for years! Are you just gonna sit here for centuries waiting for someone to give you a purpose?! ''Because I'm trying to give you one!''
:'''Jasper''': Listen, weakling! You might have Pink Diamond's gem, but you are ''not'' my Diamond, and I am ''not'' going to take orders from some weak, sappy, useless piece of dirt! If you think you're hard enough to tell me what to do, then fight me and prove it.
:'''Steven''': Fine!
:'''Jasper''': ''[suddenly smiles eagerly]'' Really? Huh, well then! Why don't you throw the first punch? ''[beckons tauntingly, and Steven punches her, pushing her back a few feet]'' Ooohh...! ''[laughs aggressively and charges back at him]''
:'''Steven''': I... guess we're doing this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[During his fight with Jasper, Steven bubbles a nest of baby birds to protect them]''
:'''Jasper''': Stop trying to help those tiny flapping Earthlings, and ''FIGHT ME!'' 
:'''Steven''': I'll never stop trying to help them, or you!
:'''Jasper''': ''[kicking his shield away and pinning him down]'' I don't need your help! ''You're'' the one that needs help! You think you've beaten me, but you've never beaten me on your own! You've always been a fusion! You've always had your friends! Because you're nothing without them! You think everyone needs help!
:'''Steven''': ''[tearing up]'' I-- I just--  
:'''Jasper''': But ''it's only you. No one'' is as '''''pitiful''''' as '''''you!'''''
:''[Shaken and angry, Steven starts to glow pink and pushes Jasper back with a sudden burst of strength, much to her surprise]''
:'''Steven''': ''[looking at himself]'' Whoa... what? ''[Jasper grins, and Steven angrily summons a bubble glove and charges at her with it]'' I'M... ''NOT''... PITIFUL! ''[sends her flying back through several trees]''
:'''Jasper''': ''[chuckles]'' Ha. Not bad. ''[continues to fight Steven, who catches her in the middle of a spin-dash]'' Nice catch.
:'''Steven''': You should see my ''THROW!'' ''[tosses her up into the air, where she laughs as he hits her several more times]'' STOP LAUGHING! ''[sends her slamming back down into the ground, then gasps in shock and returns to normal]'' Jasper...
:'''Jasper''': ''[gets up and shakes herself off, impressed]'' Huh. I didn't think you had it in you.  
:'''Steven''': I don't... I don't know what that was. I'm sorry.  
:'''Jasper''': ''[rolling her eyes]'' Ugh! Don't apologize.  
:'''Steven''': I... think I had you all wrong. Maybe you don't have something to learn from me. Maybe I have something to learn from you. ''[Jasper raises an eyebrow]'' Would you ever be interested in teaching?  
:'''Jasper''': ''[scoffs]'' Tssh! At your crummy little school?
:'''Steven''': No, just me. You brought something out of me I didn't know I had.  
:'''Jasper''': ''[walks up to Steven, placing a hand on his shoulder]'' Consider that fight back there your first and ''only'' lesson. ''[begins walking off]''  
:'''Steven''': Well... can I come back to see you sometime?  
:'''Jasper''': Do what you want.

===''Guidance''===
:'''Larimar''': What is this wonderful noise?  
:'''Steven''': Those are the joyful screams of people on a roller coaster.  
:'''Larimar''': Human screams are my favorite of the Earth's delights. I want to hear the human screams forever.
:'''Steven''': Okay, that's kind of troubling. But your heart is in the right place.
:'''Larimar''': One day, I'll make ''you'' scream, Steven.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Larimar''': I just wanted to say thanks for the amusement park job. I'm not great at the roller-coaster operation, we know, but I found out I'm good at handing out prizes to children, and I love their laughter.
:'''Steven''': Aww.
:'''Larimar''': It sounds just like screaming.

===''Rose Buds''===
:'''Holly Blue Agate''': Stop relaxing and get back to your posts! Ugh! How can you stand this total lack of order?
:'''Amethyst Guard''': Chill out, Holly Blue. You know you want to.
:'''Holly Blue Agate''' I give up. No one answers to me, and I answer to no one. I'd give anything for an order from the Diamonds, but all they talk about is Steven, Steven, Steven -- Steven!
:'''Steven''': Hi, Holly.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[seeing all of the Rose Quartzes being un-bubbled]'' So... Many... Rose Quartzes. How did the--
:'''Superfan Rose''': Oh, now that it's Era 3, we were all unbubbled, so now, we're making up for lost time. Hi! I'm Rose Quartz, and you, you're Steven! You are so much smaller than I imagined! Is it because you're half organic? Can you believe it, Rose Quartz?!
:'''Hippie Rose''': It's like, we where bubbled, but now we're like, not bubbled.
:'''Steven''': Th-It's really-- It's really great.

===''Volleyball''===
:'''Steven''': So, how would you like your magical spit administered today?
:'''Ruby bodyguard''': Ah, geez, uh... the ''not'' kissing one?
:'''Steven''': You got it! ''[licks his palm and applies healing spit onto the Ruby's gem, healing the crack]'' Man, what kind of enemies does the mayor have to keep you landing in my office?
:'''Ruby bodyguard''': That's classified information, nurse-citizen Universe.
:'''Steven''': Okay, well, try not to classify too hard out there. Oh, don't forget your lollipop!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[On Pink Pearl's cracked face]''
:'''Pearl''': How could White be so careless?  
:'''Pink Pearl''': ''[chuckling]'' Oh, no, Pearl. You've got it all wrong. Pink did this.
:'''Pearl''': ''[shocked]'' What did you say? ''[approaches her]'' 
:'''Steven''': Pearl, no...!  
:'''Pink Pearl''': It's a funny story, really. Once, Pink got tired of asking Yellow and Blue for her own colony, so she went straight to White. Of course, White told her she wasn't fit to run one, and, well, that set her off. 
:'''Pearl''': &quot;Set her off&quot;? What are you talking about?  
:'''Pink Pearl''': You remember how she was, with her destructive powers, throwing tantrums left and right. She had a scream that could crack the walls. She didn't mean to hurt me. ''[chuckles]'' I just happened to be standing too close to her that time, and--  
:'''Steven''': ''[covering his ears anxiously]'' Doesn't matter! I'm gonna fix it!  
:'''Pearl''': Destructive powers?! Pink didn't have destructive powers, she was a healer! She didn't throw tantrums, she kept her feelings secret!
:'''Pink Pearl''': The Pink I knew couldn't keep a secret to save her gem.  
:'''Pearl''': Are you kidding?! If anything, she was ''too'' good at keeping secrets, even from me!
:''[Frustrated by their arguing, Steven furiously snaps and starts glowing pink]''
:'''Steven''': ''[lividly]'' ''STOP IT!'' I CAN'T DEAL WITH ''ONE MORE'' HORRIBLE THING SHE DID, OKAY?! ''[Both Pearls gasp]'' I DON'T WANNA HEAR ABOUT IT, I DON'T EVEN WANNA ''THINK'' ABOUT IT!
:'''Pearl''': Steven!
:'''Steven''': I JUST WANT TO '''''FIX IT!!!'''''
:''[Steven unleashes a shockwave that causes cracks around the room. Pink Pearl cowers in fear, and Steven looks at his own reflection in shock and remorse]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': I'm sorry for not believing you. It looks like I'm still making excuses for her. 
:'''Pink Pearl''': ''[tearfully]'' Is that what ''I've'' been doing?! But... she didn't mean to! 
:'''Pearl''': But you were hurt! Badly hurt! 
:'''Pink Pearl''': I was badly hurt... How did ''you'' stop hurting? 
:'''Pearl''': ''[embraces her tightly]'' I didn't.
:''[Pink Pearl returns the hug, and they fuse into Mega Pearl]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I'm so sorry. The whole trip was for nothing. 
:'''Mega Pearl''': No, it wasn't for nothing. Your mother's Pearls never had the whole picture. One knew your mother was trying to change, but she couldn't understand why. The other never expected her to change at all. Now, I get to understand everything. Now, they finally get to have each other.
:''[She separates into the two Pearls, peacefully holding hands]''

===''Bluebird''===
:'''Steven''': Tsk, tsk, tsk. You guys fused just because you hate me, didn't you?
:'''Aquamarine and &quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': Yes!
:'''Steven Universe''': If that's the only reason, then it's no wonder you can't keep it together.
:'''Aquamarine''': What are you talking about?
:'''Steven Universe''': There are so many other reasons to fuse, like friendship and responsibility and... and love. Imagine how much better it would feel to fuse to support each other, instead of tearing someone down. Your life would fill with warmth and friendship and joy and love and--
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': ''[covering her ears]'' Wowie, wow! He is ''so'' annoying!
:'''Aquamarine''': I hate him so much!
:'''Aquamarine and &quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': I know! Me too! ''[they fuse back into Bluebird Azurite]''
:'''Steven''': Are you kidding me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I'm really sorry, Dad. I never should have given Bluebird a chance.
:'''Greg''': I love how you believe in everyone. You stuck to your principles, and I'm proud of you. I mean, everyone can change, but not everyone wants to.

===''A Very Special Episode''===
:'''Ocean Jasper''': I slip on the stairs?
:'''Garnet''': Yes. You shatter on impact.
:''[Ocean Jasper and a Nephrite scream]''
:'''Steven''': ''[enters through the door]'' Garnet, I'm here.
:'''Garnet''': Steven, help. I think I'm scaring them.
:'''Steven''': It's okay. We got this. Let's get this safety Geminar started with a very special guest speaker.
:''[They both dance and fuse into Sunstone]''
:'''Sunstone''': Your rockin' pal Sunstone's here to shine.
:'''Ocean Jasper''': Watch out, Sunstone. It's dangerous in here.
:'''Sunstone''': Not if you practice home safety. Don't slip up. Clear objects off the stairs. Foul shot! Make sure you cover your trash, or you might attract wild animals. Come on. Let's go! Don't leave the water running, it could flood your house. Put protective covers on electrical outlets, especially when kids are around. And most importantly, turn off motion smoothing on your TV.
:'''Ocean Jasper''': Wow, everything looks so much better!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Steven receives a call from Pearl, who he left to take care of Onion]''
:'''Steven''': ''[exhausted]'' Please, please have everything under control...  
:'''Pearl''': STEVEN! EVERYTHING IS OUT OF CONTROL!
:'''Steven''': Yup...
:'''Pearl''': It's getting really weird here! Steven, you were never like this, you were such a good kid! I'm so sorry I never told you that! Aah! I... I can hear him, but I can't see him! I think he's in the walls! I don't know how he got there, and I don't know how to get him out! ''[call ends]''
:'''Steven''': ''[long gasp]'' Garnet, can you handle things on your own for a little bit?  
:'''Garnet''': No problem. Our students love me. ''[walks over to them]'' Let me tell you all the ways you can get hit by a car.  
:'''Steven''': Agh, Garnet! Forget it. I'll stay. I'll stay!  
:'''Pearl''': ''[in another call]'' STEVEN, THERE'S A SNAKE!
:'''Steven''': Never mind!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rainbow Quartz 2.0''': Why play with sharp objects when you can play with my sharp wit? Crack jokes, not cookie jars, as I always say. Ha ha!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': It's important to keep in mind that all these horrible things ''did'' happen to you in alternate timelines. Safety is fun.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Onion has led Garnet's students off a cliff]''
:'''Pearl''': Oh, no!
:'''Garnet''': Steven, quick! Sunstone can save them!
:'''Steven''': Okay... ''[they fuse into Sunstone]'' 
:'''Sunstone''': Oh, yeah!
:'''Pearl''': No! Let Rainbow save them! ''[fuses with Steven]''  
:'''Rainbow Quartz 2.0''': ''[showing his umbrella]'' I'll catch them with this!  
:'''Amethyst''': ''[rushing in]'' Hey, wait! ''I'' need Steven!
:'''Steven''' ''[unfuses from Pearl]'' What is it, Amethyst?  
:'''Amethyst''': I just miss you, man! I haven't seen you for, like, eleven minutes!

===''Snow Day''===
:'''Amethyst''': ''[enters with fried eggs for eyes]'' You really gonna skip the most egg-ssential meal of the day?
:'''Steven''': Of course not. I've got all my morning nutrients in this protein shake.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[pokes yolk to leak]'' Dude, you're making me sad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': Man, you had a better work-life balance when the Diamonds were trying to destroy the planet.
:'''Steven''': That was then. This is now.
:'''Amethyst''': Hey, you know what we haven't done in a long time? ''[shapeshifts into 14-year-old Steven]'' Steven Tag!
:'''Steven''': Amethyst, what the heck?!
:'''Amethyst''': You know the rules, buster. You get tagged, you have to turn into Steven.
:'''Steven''': But I'm already Steven!
:'''Amethyst''': Nah, bruh. ''Classic'' Steven.
:'''Steven''': ''Classic Steven''?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Pearl gets tagged in Garnet and Amethyst's new game of Steven Tag]''
:'''Steven''': Ha! Joke's on you! Pearl doesn't shapeshift! ''[Pearl starts to glow]'' Huh?
:'''Pearl''': ''[shapeshifts into Steven]'' THE POWER OF STEVEN TAG COMPELS ME!
:'''Steven''': ''[chuckles]'' Wow. Good for her.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': It was a snowman... ''[takes off her visor]'' with Steven's jacket. NOOOOOO!
:'''Steven''': ''[shivering]'' They'll never stop until they make me play.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I really didn't want to do this, but you leave me no choice. I ''JOIN'' THE GAME!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': You shouldn't have messed with me. Huh? ''[gets tagged by Sapphire]''
:'''Sapphire''': Tag.
:'''Steven''': ''[falls off the lighthouse]'' Oh, no. Is this the end of my adult life?

===''Why So Blue?''===
:'''Steven''' You're right. This is harder than usual.  
:'''Lapis''': You've just got to force them to stop. This is going to be a fight. They're not nice like me.  
:'''Steven''': Umm...  
:'''Lapis''': Exactly.  
:'''Steven''': They just don't understand that they're doing harm. Y-you get it. What made it click for you?  
:'''Lapis''': ''A cycle of horrible torture.'' ''[smiling]'' But other than that, living in nature, getting creative.
:'''Steven''': Yeah! Come on, we can do that for them.  
:'''Lapis''': Okay. Just a little torture.  
:'''Steven''': N-no, just the other stuff. 
:'''Lapis''': ''[sighs]'' Fine, we'll try it your way.
:''[They head back to the two Lapis Lazulis]'' 
:'''Steven''': Hey, so, why don't we explore the many things that you can do that don't involve destroying worlds?  
:'''&quot;Mean&quot; Lapis''': Should we listen to him?  
:'''&quot;Nice&quot; Lapis''': He is half-Diamond. Maybe, we should half-listen.  
:'''Steven''': I'll take that as a &quot;yes.&quot; Let's go. 

===''Little Graduation''===
:'''Lars''': ''[about Shep]'' Say hi to them for me.

===''Prickly Pair''===
:'''Cactus Steven''': I can't tell Pearl how I feel, 'cause she'd blame herself! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cactus Steven''': I can't hear any more high and mighty advice from Garnet! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cactus Steven''': I'm so sick of Amethyst acting like she's so mature now!
:'''Amethyst''': Why's it being so weirdly specific?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': Hey, dude?
:'''Pearl''': Is there anything you need to talk about?
:'''Steven''': ''[softly]'' ... I think I've said enough.

===''In Dreams''===
:''[After Steven and Peridot have watched the'' Camp Pining Hearts ''reboot]''
:'''Steven''': Wha…? Wha…?!
:'''Steven and Peridot''': '''''WHAT HAVE THEY DONE?!?!?'''''  
:'''Peridot''': What is with this Rodrigo guy?! He has no charisma!  
:'''Steven''': And can we talk about this cinematography?!  
:'''Peridot''': GAAAH, THEY'VE CHANGED ''ALL'' THE CHARACTERS, AND I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THEM! ''[grabs the television]'' HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?! ''[sobs] Camp Pining Hearts'' helped me escape when everything around me was in chaos...  
:'''Steven''': ''CPH'' brought us together... 
:'''Peridot''': And now, LOOK AT THIS NIGHTMARE! ''[the TV suddenly shows Steven's dream]'' Steven?! You didn't tell me that they cast you!  
:'''Steven''': What?! They didn't. I-Is this... my dream from last night? ''[on the TV, after Steven falls and the dream ends, it goes back to'' Camp Pining Hearts ''again]'' Whoa! My- My powers must be interfering with the TV signal!  
:'''Peridot''': ''[delighted]'' Steven! Do you know what this means?!  
:'''Steven''': I have to start wearing a tinfoil hat?  
:'''Peridot''': No! It means that if we can put your dreams on the television, we can reboot the reboot!  
:'''Steven''': &quot;Reboot the...?&quot; Peridot, you're a genius!  
:'''Peridot''': I know.
:'''Steven''': And, well, it might be fun to fix something that isn't the entire universe.  
:'''Peridot''': ''[grabs him with one arm]'' This is going to be the beginning of Peridot and Steven Productions!  
:'''Steven''': Yeah-- whoa! ''[topples onto her]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': Peridot! We've always had something to fix together - the Cluster, the Diamonds, or Spinel! I don't think I know how to be a friend without something to fix! But I... I just can't do it anymore! I'm so tired... Now I'm even doing it in my dreams! I'm sorry, I can't do this for you. Please don't leave! Don't... leave!
:''[The dream stops, in the manner of a TV turning off; Steven awakens, in tears, to Peridot's concerned voice]''
:'''Peridot''': Steven? Steven! STEVEN! Steven, I saw everything! It's-- It's fine! We don't have to do this anymore. ''[hugs him and starts tearing up]'' I don't care about the show, and I ''definitely'' don't care about Rodrigo! Hrrrgh, I'm such a clod!
:'''Steven''': But I really wanted to spend time with you! I just... wanted an excuse to hang out.
:'''Peridot''': We don't need an excuse to hang out.
:'''Steven''': Can... we still watch ''CPH'' together? Even if it sucks?
:'''Peridot''': ''[removes her visor to wipe her eyes, and smiles]'' Of course.
:''[Later, they watch the show]''
:'''Jasmine''': ''[in the show, angrily]'' How could you lie to me like that, Rodrigo?! I guess you just can't help being a bad person!
:''[Steven and Peridot laugh]''
:'''Peridot''': Jasmine, you just ''buried a body in the woods'', and now you're mad that Rodrigo cheated at ''cards?!''
:''[They laugh again]''
:'''Peridot''': This show is the worst!
:'''Steven''': ''[smiling warmly at her]'' This show is the best.

===''Bismuth Casual''===
:''[At the Starlight Roller Rink]''
:'''Bismuth''': Woooow! So you mean to tell me people pay to have wheels strapped to their feet for fun? That is really something else.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Patricia''': You should have seen Daniel earlier. He was all bent out of shape 'cos his mom tore into him over his last test scores!
:'''Daniel''': ''[groans]'' You know, I kind of forgot about it for a sec.
:'''Steven''': Heh... I know how that is. One time, White Diamond tore into me... literally! ''[laughs awkwardly]'' She, uh, she took my gem - I'm part Gem, by the way - she pulled it right out of my body.
:'''Daniel''': Okay...?
:'''Patricia''': So what grade are you in, Steven?
:'''Steven''': Grade? Err, uh... sixteen?
:'''Patricia''': ''[laughs]''
:'''Daniel''': So you're taking AP classes?
:'''Steven''': Uh...
:'''Connie''': Y'all ready to skate?
:'''Patricia''': Heck, yeah!
:''[Connie, Patricia and Daniel skate away]''
:'''Steven''': I really blew that one. Bet if they were enemy Gems, we'd be best friends by now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Pearl forms a roll of toilet paper from her gem and gives it to Bismuth]''
:'''Pearl''': Oh, here, take this. Every human has at least one of these in their homes. Sometimes they even use it ''[secretively]'' for vandalism! Good luck out there! ''[starts skating away]''
:'''Bismuth''': Wait, where are you going?
:'''Pearl''': You don't need me anymore, Bismuth - the humans already love you! I'm going to make some new connections of my own! ''[to a random skater]'' Hello, fellow skater! Would you like a fresh roll? ''[forms another roll]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': When Connie and I were fighting to save the universe, things were sort of easier. We were fighting the same fight. Now it's like we're living different lives. I wonder if I'm even her best friend anymore...
:'''Bismuth''': ''[pounds the table firmly]'' How long has this been going on?
:'''Steven''': Err... couple of months.
:'''Bismuth''': Listen, Steven. Pearl brought me here to set me up with her friends, but Connie came here to be with ''you.'' You've got nothing to mope about.
:'''Steven''': But her friends think I'm weird.
:'''Bismuth''': Of course you're weird! You're a Crystal Gem! Connie knows that, she's always known that! That never stopped you from being friends!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Steven collapses in the rink]''
:'''Connie''': Steven! Are you okay?
:'''Steven''': Connie, I'm sorry... I don't wanna hold you back.
:'''Connie''': I don't mind.
:'''Steven''': You've got school, new friends, you're going places and... I'm happy for you. But I feel like you're drifting away from me. I wish we could reconnect, but... BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SKATE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Steven and Connie win the skating contest as Stevonnie]''
:'''Patricia''': Steven, Connie, that was amazing!
:'''Daniel''': What the heck was that out there?
:'''Connie''': Oh, fusion? Yeah, that's kind of our thing.
:'''Steven''': It's something I picked up from my mom's side of the family.
:'''Daniel''': The only thing I get from my mom's side of the family is ''stressed out.''
:'''Steven''': ''[chuckles]'' Same...

===''Together Forever''===
:''[After Connie turns down Steven's proposal]''
:'''Steven''': I don't get it. Ruby and Sapphire said I should go for it.  
:'''Garnet''': You can't trust love advice from those two hopeless romantics.  
:'''Steven''': Then why didn't you stop me?  
:'''Garnet''': There was no future where you didn't propose to Connie.  
:'''Steven''': Of course...
:'''Garnet''': ''[hugs him]'' Your soulmate is your complement, not your missing piece. Ruby and Sapphire love being together, but they each have their own individual lives. Whatever hole there is in your life, Steven, I want you to understand that Connie-Stevonnie won't be able to fill it.

===''Growing Pains''===
:'''Priyanka''': Steven, do you remember anything bad in your childhood that particularly stuck with you?
:'''Steven''': I guess…I kind of freaked out when they [[w:Gem Glow|cancelled my favorite ice cream]]. And then I got attacked by a giant bug monster. And I got trapped in a bubble and almost drowned. I lost control of my body and turned into a blob of cats. I almost turned so old I died. Amethyst almost died. Pearl [[w:Steven the Sword Fighter|''did'' die]]. Garnet got destabilized right in front of me. I woke up with a black eye, [[w:Jail Break (Steven Universe)|imprisoned on a spaceship]]--
:'''Priyanka''': Steven, this is serious.
:'''Steven''': But that was just the early stuff.
:'''Priyanka''': I think all these experiences have been subjecting your body to a harmful amount of stress, and that's affecting your ability to respond to new forms of stress in a healthy way. You've been dealing with genuine threats from such a young age, your body is now responding to minor threats as if your life were in danger.
:'''Steven''': But, why am I only swelling up now?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Greg''': Come on, Steven, talk to me.
:'''Steven''': ''[tearing up]'' I... well... I, um... I proposed to Connie!
:'''Greg''': You what?!
:'''Steven''': She said no.
:'''Greg''': Oh, Steven...
:'''Steven''': My body... it's reacting like it's the end of the world. I think I've seen the world almost end so many times now that ''everything'' that goes wrong feels that... that extreme! I should be feeling so good these days! The Earth is safe, it's Era 3... But I'm swelling up over these third era problems! What do I do? How do I move on from all the stuff I've been through? How do I live life if it always feels like I'm about to die?!
:'''Greg''': It's gonna be all right, Stewball. I'm here for you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I guess I thought I could just follow Connie to college, like if we got married I'd know what to do with myself. But I'm the one that's gotta figure that stuff out.
:'''Greg''': Cut yourself some slack! It's okay to be worried and make some mistakes when you're figuring out what to do with your life. That's not unusual. Uh, well, the magic swelling is a little unusual, but that's okay too! If you want to be a giant boy, we can use the car wash as a shower.

=== ''Mr. Universe'' ===
:'''Steven''': I don't need this song! I need...I need what you had!
:'''Greg''': What?
:'''Steven''': I wish I could've grown up at a house like that.
:'''Greg''': No you don't!
:'''Steven''': Maybe your parents weren't so bad. Maybe they gave you curfews and chaperones and meatloaf f-for a reason!
:'''Greg''': Steven, you don't know what they were like!
:'''Steven''': They can't be worse then mom's family. I went halfway across the galaxy for them, and this was right here?!
:'''Greg''': Steven, I couldn't do anything growing up. Everything I liked, or wore, wanted was always wrong! Trust me, you're better off then I was.
:'''Steven''': I can't believe I never realized, you're... you're just like Mom! ''[turns pink as his grip tightens on the steering wheel]''
:'''Greg''': You grew up with actual freedom!
:'''Steven''': I grew up in a ''van!'' I never went to school! I've never been to the doctor until two days ago!
:'''Greg''': Steven! You're a gem! You're not like other kids!
:'''Steven''': I could have done all that stuff! My problem isn't that I'm a gem, my problem is that I'm a ''UNIVERSE!!''

===''Fragments''===
:'''Pearl''': How could this happen? You crashed the van with Greg inside? You know how fragile he is, these pink outbursts of yours are getting out of hand.
:'''Steven''': It's not an ''[turns pink]'' OUTBURST!
:'''Pearl''': See? This is exactly what I'm talking about! What's happening to you?
:'''Steven''': Nothing! ...It's nothing.
:'''Pearl''': S-Steven! Where are you going?! We're not pro- ''[Steven summons out a generated force field]'' Steven! Drop this wall!
:'''Steven''': Pearl, sorry. I'm trying- I just… need… some space, OK? I'll be in my room.
:'''Amethyst''': Not so fast, my dude. You gotta tell us what's going on.
:'''Garnet''': It looks like Steven is trying to avoid a serious discussion about this ''all'' together.
:'''Steven''': '''NO, I'M''' &lt;big&gt;'''NOT!!!'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[slams his fist into the stairs, unleashing a room-wrecking shockwave]''
:'''Garnet''': Steven, you have got to calm down and talk to us!
:'''Amethyst''': Just chill, man!
:'''Steven''': Nnghh…
:'''Pearl''': We need to do something about this before someone gets hurt!
:'''Steven''': NNGGHH…
:'''Garnet''': Don't let this power control you. You're better than this.
:'''Steven''': NNGGHH… &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; ''[notices the Gems are walking in slow-motion]'' I'm…speeding up again. I gotta get out of here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': This thing with my powers is a real problem!
:'''Jasper''': The only problem you have are your friends.
:'''Steven''': Huh?
:'''Jasper''': Can't you see they're holding you back?
:'''Steven''': What? No, they're-- they're just worried about me.
:'''Jasper''': They're afraid. Of your power.
:'''Steven''': Yeah... yeah, I guess so...
:'''Jasper''': You are too. You came all the way out here to hide from it. But ''I'm'' not here to hide. I don't stifle my anger or my power; I channel it into training!
:'''Steven''': Oh, right... this destroyed forest.
:'''Jasper''': I've got no one to serve, nowhere to go. All I have left is '''''POWER!''' [she punches a tree, completely smashing it apart]'' And in order to control that power, I have to ''use'' it. Those so-called &quot;friends&quot; of yours don't understand. They want you to feel bad for being yourself.
:'''Steven''': I ''do'' feel bad… ''[steps over to another tree and punches it, cringing in pain and remorse]''
:'''Jasper''': YEAH, DESTROY THAT WEAKLING TREE!
:'''Steven''': No! ''[kisses the tree, healing it and making grass sprout around it]''
:'''Jasper''': Ugh! Gross! That's disgusting! Bleh! No! The grass! ''[tears at it]'' Get outta here! ''[grabs Steven]'' Quit helping the local ecosystem recover!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[On Steven's new, more muscular form]''
:'''Jasper''': Hm. Not bad for three days of work. ''[Steven kisses one of his biceps]'' I didn't teach you that…

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jasper''': What are you holding back for?! You think I can't take it? I'm not gonna coddle you, Steven! Do you wanna go home to your gems?
:'''Steven''': No…
:'''Jasper''': Are you afraid to be strong? Are you pathetic? Are you ''weak?''
:'''Steven''': &lt;big&gt;'''''I'M NOT!!!!!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': You're right, Jasper. I ''have'' been holding back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Having shattered Jasper after losing control in their rematch, Steven hurries back to his bathroom and dips the fragments into Diamond aura potions]''
:'''Steven''': Please, please let this work! ''[crying]'' Jasper, I'm sorry. Please… come back. ''[his tears add Pink's aura to the mix]'' Please…
:''[After a while, Jasper's gem glows and heals, and she reforms]''
:'''Jasper''': ''[panting]'' Huh? What? You... ''shattered'' me?
:'''Steven''': Jasper! I-I'm so sorry, I should have stopped! I-I just wasn't thinking!  
:'''Jasper''': ''[steps out of the bathtub and bows on one knee]'' I bow to your strength… ''my Diamond.''  
:'''Steven''': ''[horrified]'' No...!

===''Homeworld Bound''===
:'''Pearl''': ''[knocks on the bathroom door]'' Steven?
:'''Amethyst''': What's going on in there? ''[Jasper emerges]'' Jasper?!
:'''Pearl''': What are you-?
:'''Amethyst''': Where's Steven?!
:'''Jasper''': Right here. ''[steps aside, revealing him looking scared and depressed]''
:'''Amethyst''': Steven? Where have you been?!
:''[Steven walks off upstairs to his conservatory]''
:'''Pearl''': You can't just disappear for days without telling us!
:'''Jasper''': My Diamond can do has he pleases.
:'''Amethyst''': Wait, what?!
:'''Pearl''': Why are you calling him that?!
:'''Garnet''': Steven!
:'''Pearl''': Where is he going?!
:''[The Gems follow Steven to his conservatory]''
:'''Pearl''': Steven, wait!
:'''Garnet''': You don't need to go.
:''[Steven turns pink and puts a barrier in front of the Gems as he sighs]''
:'''Amethyst''': What the HECK?!
:'''Steven''': You guys… I love you, but you ''can't'' help me anymore. I've been avoiding the only people in the entire universe who can. Please, don't follow me. You too, Jasper. Find something better to do with your life.
:'''Garnet''': Steven! Remember, we'll always be your family.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Spinel''': STEVEN! ''[grabs him and kisses him]''
:'''Steven''': ''[turning pink]'' Spinel, what is wrong with you?!
:'''Spinel''': Oh, y'know, the usual.
:'''Steven''': ''[turning back to normal]'' So, how've you been since, err...?
:'''Spinel''': Since I tried to kill you? That was so embarrassing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[controlling White Diamond]'' Whoa. This is… so weird. I'm-I'm, I'm a Diamond. This- This is the last thing I needed to see. I don't wanna be you! I don't wanna be anything like you! Why won't you just go '''AWAY?!''' ''[punches a pillar]'' Don't hurt me! She can't hurt me. I'm controlling her. So why am I so afraid? ''[flashes back to his memory of White pulling his gemstone out; scowls angrily]'' '''''She's''''' the one who should be afraid.
:'''White Diamond''': ''[talking in Steven's voice]'' What's- what's going on? ''[Steven starts controlling her like a puppet]'' What? No, stop it. I don't like this!
:'''Steven''': Too bad. ''[force controls White by walking toward a pillar]''
:'''White Diamond''': Let me go! ''[grabs hold of the pillar]'' Please! You're scaring me!
:'''Steven''': This is for EVERYTHING you put me through! ''[forces White Diamond’s head to slam into the pillar, in an attempt to shatter her gemstone, instead, snaps them out of it and hits his own head, allowing White Diamond to regain her control again]''
:'''White Diamond''': ''[breathing; horrified]'' What… what ''was'' that?!
:'''Steven''': I-I don't know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Spinel''': Hey, buddy, where you going?
:'''Steven''': Wait a second - ''you'' used to have vengeful thoughts!
:'''Spinel''': ''[awkwardly]'' Ooooh, yeah... but I don't get 'em anymore.
:'''Steven''': How did you make them stop?
:'''Spinel''': I met a little someone named Steven Universe! And he told me: ''[singing]'' [[w:Steven Universe: The Movie|IIIIII, I can make a chaaaaange! You can make a promise...]]
:'''Steven''': Gah! Don't give me my own advice!

===''Everything's Fine''===
:'''Steven''': Hey, Connie, what's up?
:'''Connie''': Steven! Good, you finally picked up! I can't believe we haven't spoken since the hospital. How are you?
:'''Steven''': I'm great! Never been better!
:'''Connie''': Really? Have you had any more issues with swelling and glowing pink?
:'''Steven''': Um... Nope? Well, maybe, but how about you? How's college prep?
:'''Connie''': Steven, that's, uh- It's fine, but what do you mean, maybe?
:'''Steven''': Look, there's nothing to worry about. I'm OK.
:'''Connie''': Steven...
:'''Steven''': I should go. I don't wanna wake up the Gems.
:'''Connie''': But they don't even sleep!
:'''Steven''': Uh, bye!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While trying to help in Bismuth's workshop]''
:'''Steven''': Ooh, look at that. Now you have ''two'' anvils.
:'''Bismuth''': Noooo! My anvil! My beautiful anvil!
:'''Steven''': Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, my work here is done. Well, toodles!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connie''': Steven!
:'''Steven''': Huh?
:'''Connie''': I knew it! You ''are'' swelling and glowing again. I've been trying to call you, but I came as soon as I saw this. ''[holds out her phone, on which Steven, glowing and swelled up, is doing the plant Steven's dance and looping the message &quot;Steven's here to help!&quot;]'' What is going on?
:'''Steven''': I... broadcast my subconscious sometimes these days. It's really no big deal.
:'''Connie''': Okay, but... I can tell something is bothering you. ''[holds out her phone again; the message makes some statics]''
:'''Steven''': Ah, I don't know what you're talking about. I'm fine! Awesome, in fact. Come on, you've seen me when I wasn't doing well.
:'''Greg''': Steven, if being like this is what you want, then we'll support you one hundred percent. Whatever makes you happy. But, if you're not happy, if something's wrong-
:'''Steven''': Nothing's wrong! Besides, I don't want you to worry.
:'''Connie''': We ''are'' worried!
:'''Greg''': Steven, you know you can tell us anything.
:'''Steven''': It's not that easy! You know what? I don't have to deal with this! ''[walks towards the door, but Amethyst, Pearl, and Connie block his way]''
:'''Amethyst''': Hold up, dude.
:'''Garnet''': Steven, you need to stop running.
:'''Greg''': Please.
:''[Steven starts groaning in frustration, his head briefly swelling out of shape]''
:'''Connie''': Steven, we should get you back to the hospital.
:'''Amethyst and Pearl''': HOSPITAL?!
:'''Pearl''': When were you in the hospital?!
:'''Connie''': You didn't tell them?!
:'''Steven''': 	''[becoming hysterical, starting to laugh uneasily]'' It wasn't that important, you guys! You're making a big deal out of nothing. Have I done some things wrong? Sure! I trashed the house today, I broke an anvil - what teenager hasn't? Dad and I had a little disagreement, but that's practically a rite of passage! I mean, it would be weird if we didn't, right? And ''maybe'' I've had a not-so-nice thought or two about, like, you know, slamming White Diamond's head through a pillar, but it's not like I actually went through with it! I only ''actually'' shattered Jasper!
:''[Pearl gasps in horrified shock]''
:'''Amethyst''': WHAT?!
:''[Garnet, Connie, and Greg gasp]''
:'''Connie''': You're- you're joking, right?
:'''Steven''': Oh, don't worry! I fixed that too! I can fix ''anything!'' I can just keep messing up and fixing things forever, and you'll never have to know or think about any of it!
:'''Garnet''': Steven...
:'''Steven''': ''[sighs as he finally loses it]'' How messed up is that? That I've gotten away with this for so long? You have ''no'' idea how bad I am! Y-You think I'm so great, and I'm so mature, and I always know what to do! But ''that's'' not true! I haven't learned a thing from my problems! They've all just made me worse! You all think of me as some angel, but I'm not that kid anymore! ''[close-up on his scowl]'' I'm a fraud. ''[falls to the floor as his breaths become shaky]'' I'm a fraud. I'm a MONSTER! ''[massive pink spikes burst out of his back, tearing his shirt with everyone taking  a step back, with plain terror]''

===''I Am My Monster''===
:'''Greg''': ''[calling out]'' Just calm down, son! Take deep breaths! Deep breaths!
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah! Relax, buddy!
:'''Peridot''': Let's hurry up and clobber that thing!
:'''Garnet''': Stand down.
:'''Peridot''': What for?!
:'''Lapis''': Where's Steven?
:'''Garnet''': That ''is'' Steven.
:'''Peridot, Bismuth, &amp; Lapis''': ''[shocked]'' '''WHAT?!'''
:''[Monster Steven bashes his head against the cliff of the temple, causing an avalanche of boulders to fall]''
:'''Garnet''': RUN!
:'''Amethyst''': He's not listening to us at all!
:'''Pearl''': What happened to him? First, he says he's a shatterer and then he's turned into this...''thing''!
:'''Connie''': We can change him back, can't we?
:'''Garnet''': As long as he believes he's a monster, he'll ''stay'' one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Spinel''': ''[jumps out of the Diamond ship, holding Steven's flip flop]'' You forgot your foot thong thingy! ''[sees Steven as a monster]'' OOOH, OH!
:''[The Diamonds walk out of the ship]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What is going on here?
:'''White Diamond''': Why is something like this ''always'' happening when we show up for a visit?
:'''Blue Diamond''': What is that thing?
:'''Garnet''': That &quot;thing&quot; is Steven.
:''[Blue, White Diamond, and Spinel gasp in shock]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': WHAT?!
:'''White Diamond''': Impossible!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Is he corrupted?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': But how?
:'''Garnet''': Never mind that. We have to change him back.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Leave it to me. ''[she catches Monster Steven's head in an energy aura and tries to shrink it down, only for it to revert back immediately, to her confusion]'' With my new power, I should be able to alter his physical form.
:'''Blue Diamond''': He's resisting. Maybe he needs to feel better first. I can help with that. ''[she sends a cloud of joy towards Monster Steven, but he blows it right back]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Look out! ''[the cloud hits her and Spinel, and they start laughing uncontrollably]'' Wow! Your new power didn't work either!
:'''White Diamond''': ''[pushes Yellow and Blue aside and approaches Monster Steven]'' Enough. I know exactly how to help. If I connect with him and he speaks through me, maybe we'll understand what he's going through. Now then, do you hear me, Steven? ''[her gem glows and the atmosphere's colors change]'' Just relax and let me in… Wait-- ''[her eyes glow, and she cries out and falls back as Yellow and Blue catch her]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': White!
:'''Blue Diamond''': What happened?!
:'''White Diamond''': ''[horrified]'' That's ''not'' Steven anymore!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': Guys, look! The Cluster is trying to hold Steven back!
:'''Peridot''': I can't believe it! He's even stronger than the Cluster!
:'''Bismuth''': Don't let your guard down. He could break free at any moment!
:'''Pearl''': Deep inside this…monster, Steven must be in there, so angry.
:'''Amethyst''': I knew something was going on. I- Why didn't I ''do'' something?!
:'''Sapphire''': ''[crying]'' If we don't get through to him, he'll stay like this ''forever!'' ''[starts sobbing along with Ruby while Lapis watches]''
:'''Amethyst''': ''[to Greg as he takes a few steps back]'' Dude, you should get outta here before you get hurt!
:'''Greg''': ''[stomps his foot]'' NO! Everytime Gem stuff happens, I run the other way! This is ''my'' son! And he's right to be angry, because I didn't protect him!
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[tearing up; crying]'' You didn't protect him from us! He's like this because of us!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[crying]'' ''We're'' the source of Steven's suffering!
:'''Spinel''': ''[breaks down, sobbing hysterically and blowing her nose into her pigtails]'' THIS IS ''MY'' FAULT!
:'''White Diamond''': ''[crying]'' Spinel, don't be silly. Everyone knows that all of this is because of ''me!''
:'''Spinel''': No, it's ME! I tried to wipe his friends' memories, so he would die alone on a barren world!
:'''White Diamond''': ''[crying and sobbing]'' That was because you were angry with Pink! And if Pink hurt you, it was because ''I'' hurt ''her!'' Like I hurt Yellow and Blue and Steven and everyone in the entire universe! This is all ''my'' fault!
:'''Connie''': YES, it is! ''[rides in on Lion]'' Yes, you hurt him, but this isn't the time to make this all about you! That is not helping! Maybe Steven would care how sad you are, because he always puts everyone else's feelings first! But he can't do that for you right now, because he needs ''us'' this time! We all have Steven when we needed him. But the only person who's never had Steven is Steven! He's ''always'' been there for us, so… how can we be there for him now?
:''[Ruby and Sapphire smile and fuse back into Garnet]''
:'''Garnet''': I know how. 
:''[Monster Steven breaks free of the Cluster's hand, defeats it and charges at the beach]''
:'''Garnet''': Okay! No time to waste. Yellow, make me as big as him!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Right.
:'''Garnet''': Blue, lift everyone up!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Of course.
:'''Garnet''': Everyone, get in line!
:'''Greg''': You got it!
:'''Garnet''': It's time to show Steven… some love.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': ''[hugging her arms tightly around Monster Steven while he's struggling; calmly]'' Steven, when I fell apart, you were there for me. I want to be there for ''you'' now. I'm here, Steven. I'm here.
:'''Lapis''': This is working? You hear us? Steven! ''[comes and hugs him]''
:''[Everyone comes in for the hug too]''
:'''Greg''': I'm here, Schtu-Ball! Whatever you need, I'll make it happen! You hear me?!
:'''Peridot''': Steven! You never gave up on me for some reasons I don't understand! I'll do the same for you!
:'''Amethyst''': I know you feel bad! Believe me, I get it! Sometimes it feels like you're never gonna like yourself but… it's possible, man!
:'''Pearl''': Steven, I know how awful it feels to keep a part of yourself secret! You shouldn't have to hide anything from me!
:''[Monster Steven stammers emotionally, and the Cluster's hand reappears and takes his]''
:'''Connie''': ''[jumps off Lion's head and lands on Monster Steven's nose, walks closer to his face and hugs him; sighs]'' Steven… you must have been ''so'' afraid to show us this side of yourself. But we're not going anywhere. We're all gonna take care of you the same way you took care of us. You know what? I don't have your powers, but… ''[kisses him with a pink droplet appearing]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[wakes up, back to his normal human-self, still crying]'' Huh? ''[looks and sees everyone smiling at him]'' Wha…I… Did-Did I-I'm- ''[Lion pops up and licks him; chuckling]'' Lion. ''[hugs Lion]'' Lion! ''[begins sobbing, letting out his emotions]''

===''The Future''===
:'''Jasper''': ''[bursts through the wall, staying aloof]'' Heard you’re leaving. ''[faces at Steven]'' I’m coming with you!
:'''Steven''': Jasper, I’m going ''alone.''
:'''Jasper''': Then who will protect you?!
:'''Steven''': I can protect myself.
:'''Jasper''': ''[sighs disappointingly, scowls]'' I know. ''[punches a hole in the ground and looks the opposite direction]'' Farewell, my Diamond. ''[headbutts the wall, creating another Jasper-shaped hole next to the previous one, walks through it]''
:'''Steven''': Whoa! Even Jasper's more upset than my own family! Maybe I need a round two?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Garnet''': I couldn't resist looking into your future. I peeked, and I saw a possibility that our tears would keep you from leaving. But I also saw many paths ahead of you, and we are a part of ''all'' of them. Wherever you end up, we will visit you to talk, to listen, to be there – whenever you need us. We love you, Steven.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
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[[Category:Steven Universe]]</text>
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      <text bytes="48333" xml:space="preserve">----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]]
----
{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Steven Universe Future|Steven Universe Future]]''''' (2019–2020) is an animated limited series produced by [[w:Cartoon Network|Cartoon Network]] as an epilogue for [[Steven Universe (season 5)|Season 5]] of ''[[Steven Universe]]'' and ''[[Steven Universe: The Movie]]''.

==Episodes==
===''Little Homeschool''===
:'''Steven''': ''[narrating]'' Life is a little different these days. The Diamonds have ended their reign of terror. The intergalactic war is over, and Earth is officially an independent planet. We're all safe to explore our dreams. Lars opened up his own pastry shop, and it's got a real cute space gimmick goin' on. Sadie's been touring with The Suspects, promoting their new album, and Connie has been getting a head start on college prep. She's two years away from applying, but she says it doesn't hurt to start early. And speaking of higher education, Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl and I have been cooking up a dream of our own!
:'''Cherry Quartz''': I have no idea who you're talking about.
:'''Steven''': ''[chuckling]'' Don't worry about it. You'll learn all that, and more, right here at Little Homeschool. ''[gives Cherry Quartz a tour around]'' Here at Little Homeschool, you have a chance to rediscover yourself and learn to live on Earth if you like. You can forge a new identity. Grow your own ideas. And even find your inner Morp!
:'''Cherry Quartz''': Wait, what's a &quot;Morp&quot;?
:'''Steven''': That's ''exactly'' the kind of question we love to hear!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': You know, half those Gems are soldiers who fought by your side before they were corrupted and turned into monsters. They're lost and confused and still a little messed up, but they're getting the help they need.
:'''Jasper''': So? Who cares?
:'''Steven''': ''[angrily]'' I do! And if I didn't care, you'd still be a monster too!
:'''Jasper''': And what? Now I owe you?
:'''Steven''': No!
:'''Jasper''': You think because you did something I never asked for, I'm going to ''obey'' you?
:'''Steven''': No! That's not--
:'''Jasper''': Like all the other Gems you ''use.''
:'''Steven''': ''[frustrated]'' AGGGHHH! I only came here because I felt bad for you, but all of this is your own fault! All the other Gems were corrupted by the Diamonds, but-- but you corrupted yourself just to win a fight! Which you ''LOST!'' To ''ME!'' No one's making you stay here all alone in the middle of nowhere, ready to fight a war that's been over for years! Are you just gonna sit here for centuries waiting for someone to give you a purpose?! ''Because I'm trying to give you one!''
:'''Jasper''': Listen, weakling! You might have Pink Diamond's gem, but you are ''not'' my Diamond, and I am ''not'' going to take orders from some weak, sappy, useless piece of dirt! If you think you're hard enough to tell me what to do, then fight me and prove it.
:'''Steven''': Fine!
:'''Jasper''': ''[suddenly smiles eagerly]'' Really? Huh, well then! Why don't you throw the first punch? ''[beckons tauntingly, and Steven punches her, pushing her back a few feet]'' Ooohh...! ''[laughs aggressively and charges back at him]''
:'''Steven''': I... guess we're doing this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[During his fight with Jasper, Steven bubbles a nest of baby birds to protect them]''
:'''Jasper''': Stop trying to help those tiny flapping Earthlings, and ''FIGHT ME!'' 
:'''Steven''': I'll never stop trying to help them, or you!
:'''Jasper''': ''[kicking his shield away and pinning him down]'' I don't need your help! ''You're'' the one that needs help! You think you've beaten me, but you've never beaten me on your own! You've always been a fusion! You've always had your friends! Because you're nothing without them! You think everyone needs help!
:'''Steven''': ''[tearing up]'' I-- I just--  
:'''Jasper''': But ''it's only you. No one'' is as '''''pitiful''''' as '''''you!'''''
:''[Shaken and angry, Steven starts to glow pink and pushes Jasper back with a sudden burst of strength, much to her surprise]''
:'''Steven''': ''[looking at himself]'' Whoa... what? ''[Jasper grins, and Steven angrily summons a bubble glove and charges at her with it]'' I'M... ''NOT''... PITIFUL! ''[sends her flying back through several trees]''
:'''Jasper''': ''[chuckles]'' Ha. Not bad. ''[continues to fight Steven, who catches her in the middle of a spin-dash]'' Nice catch.
:'''Steven''': You should see my ''THROW!'' ''[tosses her up into the air, where she laughs as he hits her several more times]'' STOP LAUGHING! ''[sends her slamming back down into the ground, then gasps in shock and returns to normal]'' Jasper...
:'''Jasper''': ''[gets up and shakes herself off, impressed]'' Huh. I didn't think you had it in you.  
:'''Steven''': I don't... I don't know what that was. I'm sorry.  
:'''Jasper''': ''[rolling her eyes]'' Ugh! Don't apologize.  
:'''Steven''': I... think I had you all wrong. Maybe you don't have something to learn from me. Maybe I have something to learn from you. ''[Jasper raises an eyebrow]'' Would you ever be interested in teaching?  
:'''Jasper''': ''[scoffs]'' Tssh! At your crummy little school?
:'''Steven''': No, just me. You brought something out of me I didn't know I had.  
:'''Jasper''': ''[walks up to Steven, placing a hand on his shoulder]'' Consider that fight back there your first and ''only'' lesson. ''[begins walking off]''  
:'''Steven''': Well... can I come back to see you sometime?  
:'''Jasper''': Do what you want.

===''Guidance''===
:'''Larimar''': What is this wonderful noise?  
:'''Steven''': Those are the joyful screams of people on a roller coaster.  
:'''Larimar''': Human screams are my favorite of the Earth's delights. I want to hear the human screams forever.
:'''Steven''': Okay, that's kind of troubling. But your heart is in the right place.
:'''Larimar''': One day, I'll make ''you'' scream, Steven.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Larimar''': I just wanted to say thanks for the amusement park job. I'm not great at the roller-coaster operation, we know, but I found out I'm good at handing out prizes to children, and I love their laughter.
:'''Steven''': Aww.
:'''Larimar''': It sounds just like screaming.

===''Rose Buds''===
:'''Holly Blue Agate''': Stop relaxing and get back to your posts! Ugh! How can you stand this total lack of order?
:'''Amethyst Guard''': Chill out, Holly Blue. You know you want to.
:'''Holly Blue Agate''' I give up. No one answers to me, and I answer to no one. I'd give anything for an order from the Diamonds, but all they talk about is Steven, Steven, Steven -- Steven!
:'''Steven''': Hi, Holly.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[seeing all of the Rose Quartzes being un-bubbled]'' So... Many... Rose Quartzes. How did the--
:'''Superfan Rose''': Oh, now that it's Era 3, we were all unbubbled, so now, we're making up for lost time. Hi! I'm Rose Quartz, and you, you're Steven! You are so much smaller than I imagined! Is it because you're half organic? Can you believe it, Rose Quartz?!
:'''Hippie Rose''': It's like, we where bubbled, but now we're like, not bubbled.
:'''Steven''': Th-It's really-- It's really great.

===''Volleyball''===
:'''Steven''': So, how would you like your magical spit administered today?
:'''Ruby bodyguard''': Ah, geez, uh... the ''not'' kissing one?
:'''Steven''': You got it! ''[licks his palm and applies healing spit onto the Ruby's gem, healing the crack]'' Man, what kind of enemies does the mayor have to keep you landing in my office?
:'''Ruby bodyguard''': That's classified information, nurse-citizen Universe.
:'''Steven''': Okay, well, try not to classify too hard out there. Oh, don't forget your lollipop!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[On Pink Pearl's cracked face]''
:'''Pearl''': How could White be so careless?  
:'''Pink Pearl''': ''[chuckling]'' Oh, no, Pearl. You've got it all wrong. Pink did this.
:'''Pearl''': ''[shocked]'' What did you say? ''[approaches her]'' 
:'''Steven''': Pearl, no...!  
:'''Pink Pearl''': It's a funny story, really. Once, Pink got tired of asking Yellow and Blue for her own colony, so she went straight to White. Of course, White told her she wasn't fit to run one, and, well, that set her off. 
:'''Pearl''': &quot;Set her off&quot;? What are you talking about?  
:'''Pink Pearl''': You remember how she was, with her destructive powers, throwing tantrums left and right. She had a scream that could crack the walls. She didn't mean to hurt me. ''[chuckles]'' I just happened to be standing too close to her that time, and--  
:'''Steven''': ''[covering his ears anxiously]'' Doesn't matter! I'm gonna fix it!  
:'''Pearl''': Destructive powers?! Pink didn't have destructive powers, she was a healer! She didn't throw tantrums, she kept her feelings secret!
:'''Pink Pearl''': The Pink I knew couldn't keep a secret to save her gem.  
:'''Pearl''': Are you kidding?! If anything, she was ''too'' good at keeping secrets, even from me!
:''[Frustrated by their arguing, Steven furiously snaps and starts glowing pink]''
:'''Steven''': ''[lividly]'' ''STOP IT!'' I CAN'T DEAL WITH ''ONE MORE'' HORRIBLE THING SHE DID, OKAY?! ''[Both Pearls gasp]'' I DON'T WANNA HEAR ABOUT IT, I DON'T EVEN WANNA ''THINK'' ABOUT IT!
:'''Pearl''': Steven!
:'''Steven''': I JUST WANT TO '''''FIX IT!!!'''''
:''[Steven unleashes a shockwave that causes cracks around the room. Pink Pearl cowers in fear, and Steven looks at his own reflection in shock and remorse]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': I'm sorry for not believing you. It looks like I'm still making excuses for her. 
:'''Pink Pearl''': ''[tearfully]'' Is that what ''I've'' been doing?! But... she didn't mean to! 
:'''Pearl''': But you were hurt! Badly hurt! 
:'''Pink Pearl''': I was badly hurt... How did ''you'' stop hurting? 
:'''Pearl''': ''[embraces her tightly]'' I didn't.
:''[Pink Pearl returns the hug, and they fuse into Mega Pearl]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I'm so sorry. The whole trip was for nothing. 
:'''Mega Pearl''': No, it wasn't for nothing. Your mother's Pearls never had the whole picture. One knew your mother was trying to change, but she couldn't understand why. The other never expected her to change at all. Now, I get to understand everything. Now, they finally get to have each other.
:''[She separates into the two Pearls, peacefully holding hands]''

===''Bluebird''===
:'''Steven''': Tsk, tsk, tsk. You guys fused just because you hate me, didn't you?
:'''Aquamarine and &quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': Yes!
:'''Steven Universe''': If that's the only reason, then it's no wonder you can't keep it together.
:'''Aquamarine''': What are you talking about?
:'''Steven Universe''': There are so many other reasons to fuse, like friendship and responsibility and... and love. Imagine how much better it would feel to fuse to support each other, instead of tearing someone down. Your life would fill with warmth and friendship and joy and love and--
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': ''[covering her ears]'' Wowie, wow! He is ''so'' annoying!
:'''Aquamarine''': I hate him so much!
:'''Aquamarine and &quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': I know! Me too! ''[they fuse back into Bluebird Azurite]''
:'''Steven''': Are you kidding me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I'm really sorry, Dad. I never should have given Bluebird a chance.
:'''Greg''': I love how you believe in everyone. You stuck to your principles, and I'm proud of you. I mean, everyone can change, but not everyone wants to.

===''A Very Special Episode''===
:'''Ocean Jasper''': I slip on the stairs?
:'''Garnet''': Yes. You shatter on impact.
:''[Ocean Jasper and a Nephrite scream]''
:'''Steven''': ''[enters through the door]'' Garnet, I'm here.
:'''Garnet''': Steven, help. I think I'm scaring them.
:'''Steven''': It's okay. We got this. Let's get this safety Geminar started with a very special guest speaker.
:''[They both dance and fuse into Sunstone]''
:'''Sunstone''': Your rockin' pal Sunstone's here to shine.
:'''Ocean Jasper''': Watch out, Sunstone. It's dangerous in here.
:'''Sunstone''': Not if you practice home safety. Don't slip up. Clear objects off the stairs. Foul shot! Make sure you cover your trash, or you might attract wild animals. Come on. Let's go! Don't leave the water running, it could flood your house. Put protective covers on electrical outlets, especially when kids are around. And most importantly, turn off motion smoothing on your TV.
:'''Ocean Jasper''': Wow, everything looks so much better!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Steven receives a call from Pearl, who he left to take care of Onion]''
:'''Steven''': ''[exhausted]'' Please, please have everything under control...  
:'''Pearl''': STEVEN! EVERYTHING IS OUT OF CONTROL!
:'''Steven''': Yup...
:'''Pearl''': It's getting really weird here! Steven, you were never like this, you were such a good kid! I'm so sorry I never told you that! Aah! I... I can hear him, but I can't see him! I think he's in the walls! I don't know how he got there, and I don't know how to get him out! ''[call ends]''
:'''Steven''': ''[long gasp]'' Garnet, can you handle things on your own for a little bit?  
:'''Garnet''': No problem. Our students love me. ''[walks over to them]'' Let me tell you all the ways you can get hit by a car.  
:'''Steven''': Agh, Garnet! Forget it. I'll stay. I'll stay!  
:'''Pearl''': ''[in another call]'' STEVEN, THERE'S A SNAKE!
:'''Steven''': Never mind!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rainbow Quartz 2.0''': Why play with sharp objects when you can play with my sharp wit? Crack jokes, not cookie jars, as I always say. Ha ha!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': It's important to keep in mind that all these horrible things ''did'' happen to you in alternate timelines. Safety is fun.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Onion has led Garnet's students off a cliff]''
:'''Pearl''': Oh, no!
:'''Garnet''': Steven, quick! Sunstone can save them!
:'''Steven''': Okay... ''[they fuse into Sunstone]'' 
:'''Sunstone''': Oh, yeah!
:'''Pearl''': No! Let Rainbow save them! ''[fuses with Steven]''  
:'''Rainbow Quartz 2.0''': ''[showing his umbrella]'' I'll catch them with this!  
:'''Amethyst''': ''[rushing in]'' Hey, wait! ''I'' need Steven!
:'''Steven''' ''[unfuses from Pearl]'' What is it, Amethyst?  
:'''Amethyst''': I just miss you, man! I haven't seen you for, like, eleven minutes!

===''Snow Day''===
:'''Amethyst''': ''[enters with fried eggs for eyes]'' You really gonna skip the most egg-ssential meal of the day?
:'''Steven''': Of course not. I've got all my morning nutrients in this protein shake.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[pokes yolk to leak]'' Dude, you're making me sad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': Man, you had a better work-life balance when the Diamonds were trying to destroy the planet.
:'''Steven''': That was then. This is now.
:'''Amethyst''': Hey, you know what we haven't done in a long time? ''[shapeshifts into 14-year-old Steven]'' Steven Tag!
:'''Steven''': Amethyst, what the heck?!
:'''Amethyst''': You know the rules, buster. You get tagged, you have to turn into Steven.
:'''Steven''': But I'm already Steven!
:'''Amethyst''': Nah, bruh. ''Classic'' Steven.
:'''Steven''': ''Classic Steven?''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Pearl gets tagged in Garnet and Amethyst's new game of Steven Tag]''
:'''Steven''': Ha! Joke's on you! Pearl doesn't shapeshift! ''[Pearl starts to glow]'' Huh?
:'''Pearl''': ''[shapeshifts into Steven]'' The power of Steven Tag COMPELS ME!
:'''Steven''': ''[chuckles]'' Wow. Good for her.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': It was a snowman… ''[takes off her visor]'' with Steven's jacket. NOOOOOO!
:'''Steven''': ''[shivering]'' They'll never stop until they make me play.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I really didn't want to do this, but you leave me no choice. I ''JOIN'' THE GAME!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': You shouldn't have messed with me. Huh? ''[gets tagged by Sapphire]''
:'''Sapphire''': Tag.
:'''Steven''': ''[falls off the lighthouse]'' Oh, no. Is this the end of my adult life?

===''Why So Blue?''===
:'''Steven''' You're right. This is harder than usual.  
:'''Lapis''': You've just got to force them to stop. This is going to be a fight. They're not nice like me.  
:'''Steven''': Umm...  
:'''Lapis''': Exactly.  
:'''Steven''': They just don't understand that they're doing harm. Y-you get it. What made it click for you?  
:'''Lapis''': ''A cycle of horrible torture.'' ''[smiling]'' But other than that, living in nature, getting creative.
:'''Steven''': Yeah! Come on, we can do that for them.  
:'''Lapis''': Okay. Just a little torture.  
:'''Steven''': N-no, just the other stuff. 
:'''Lapis''': ''[sighs]'' Fine, we'll try it your way.
:''[They head back to the two Lapis Lazulis]'' 
:'''Steven''': Hey, so, why don't we explore the many things that you can do that don't involve destroying worlds?  
:'''&quot;Mean&quot; Lapis''': Should we listen to him?  
:'''&quot;Nice&quot; Lapis''': He is half-Diamond. Maybe, we should half-listen.  
:'''Steven''': I'll take that as a &quot;yes.&quot; Let's go. 

===''Little Graduation''===
:'''Lars''': ''[about Shep]'' Say hi to them for me.

===''Prickly Pair''===
:'''Cactus Steven''': I can't tell Pearl how I feel, 'cause she'd blame herself! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cactus Steven''': I can't hear any more high and mighty advice from Garnet! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cactus Steven''': I'm so sick of Amethyst acting like she's so mature now!
:'''Amethyst''': Why's it being so weirdly specific?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': Hey, dude?
:'''Pearl''': Is there anything you need to talk about?
:'''Steven''': ''[softly]'' ... I think I've said enough.

===''In Dreams''===
:''[After Steven and Peridot have watched the'' Camp Pining Hearts ''reboot]''
:'''Steven''': Wha…? Wha…?!
:'''Steven and Peridot''': '''''WHAT HAVE THEY DONE?!?!?'''''  
:'''Peridot''': What is with this Rodrigo guy?! He has no charisma!  
:'''Steven''': And can we talk about this cinematography?!  
:'''Peridot''': GAAAH, THEY'VE CHANGED ''ALL'' THE CHARACTERS, AND I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THEM! ''[grabs the television]'' HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?! ''[sobs] Camp Pining Hearts'' helped me escape when everything around me was in chaos...  
:'''Steven''': ''CPH'' brought us together... 
:'''Peridot''': And now, LOOK AT THIS NIGHTMARE! ''[the TV suddenly shows Steven's dream]'' Steven?! You didn't tell me that they cast you!  
:'''Steven''': What?! They didn't. I-Is this... my dream from last night? ''[on the TV, after Steven falls and the dream ends, it goes back to'' Camp Pining Hearts ''again]'' Whoa! My- My powers must be interfering with the TV signal!  
:'''Peridot''': ''[delighted]'' Steven! Do you know what this means?!  
:'''Steven''': I have to start wearing a tinfoil hat?  
:'''Peridot''': No! It means that if we can put your dreams on the television, we can reboot the reboot!  
:'''Steven''': &quot;Reboot the...?&quot; Peridot, you're a genius!  
:'''Peridot''': I know.
:'''Steven''': And, well, it might be fun to fix something that isn't the entire universe.  
:'''Peridot''': ''[grabs him with one arm]'' This is going to be the beginning of Peridot and Steven Productions!  
:'''Steven''': Yeah-- whoa! ''[topples onto her]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': Peridot! We've always had something to fix together - the Cluster, the Diamonds, or Spinel! I don't think I know how to be a friend without something to fix! But I... I just can't do it anymore! I'm so tired... Now I'm even doing it in my dreams! I'm sorry, I can't do this for you. Please don't leave! Don't... leave!
:''[The dream stops, in the manner of a TV turning off; Steven awakens, in tears, to Peridot's concerned voice]''
:'''Peridot''': Steven? Steven! STEVEN! Steven, I saw everything! It's-- It's fine! We don't have to do this anymore. ''[hugs him and starts tearing up]'' I don't care about the show, and I ''definitely'' don't care about Rodrigo! Hrrrgh, I'm such a clod!
:'''Steven''': But I really wanted to spend time with you! I just... wanted an excuse to hang out.
:'''Peridot''': We don't need an excuse to hang out.
:'''Steven''': Can... we still watch ''CPH'' together? Even if it sucks?
:'''Peridot''': ''[removes her visor to wipe her eyes, and smiles]'' Of course.
:''[Later, they watch the show]''
:'''Jasmine''': ''[in the show, angrily]'' How could you lie to me like that, Rodrigo?! I guess you just can't help being a bad person!
:''[Steven and Peridot laugh]''
:'''Peridot''': Jasmine, you just ''buried a body in the woods'', and now you're mad that Rodrigo cheated at ''cards?!''
:''[They laugh again]''
:'''Peridot''': This show is the worst!
:'''Steven''': ''[smiling warmly at her]'' This show is the best.

===''Bismuth Casual''===
:''[At the Starlight Roller Rink]''
:'''Bismuth''': Woooow! So you mean to tell me people pay to have wheels strapped to their feet for fun? That is really something else.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Patricia''': You should have seen Daniel earlier. He was all bent out of shape 'cos his mom tore into him over his last test scores!
:'''Daniel''': ''[groans]'' You know, I kind of forgot about it for a sec.
:'''Steven''': Heh... I know how that is. One time, White Diamond tore into me... literally! ''[laughs awkwardly]'' She, uh, she took my gem - I'm part Gem, by the way - she pulled it right out of my body.
:'''Daniel''': Okay...?
:'''Patricia''': So what grade are you in, Steven?
:'''Steven''': Grade? Err, uh... sixteen?
:'''Patricia''': ''[laughs]''
:'''Daniel''': So you're taking AP classes?
:'''Steven''': Uh...
:'''Connie''': Y'all ready to skate?
:'''Patricia''': Heck, yeah!
:''[Connie, Patricia and Daniel skate away]''
:'''Steven''': I really blew that one. Bet if they were enemy Gems, we'd be best friends by now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Pearl forms a roll of toilet paper from her gem and gives it to Bismuth]''
:'''Pearl''': Oh, here, take this. Every human has at least one of these in their homes. Sometimes they even use it ''[secretively]'' for vandalism! Good luck out there! ''[starts skating away]''
:'''Bismuth''': Wait, where are you going?
:'''Pearl''': You don't need me anymore, Bismuth - the humans already love you! I'm going to make some new connections of my own! ''[to a random skater]'' Hello, fellow skater! Would you like a fresh roll? ''[forms another roll]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': When Connie and I were fighting to save the universe, things were sort of easier. We were fighting the same fight. Now it's like we're living different lives. I wonder if I'm even her best friend anymore...
:'''Bismuth''': ''[pounds the table firmly]'' How long has this been going on?
:'''Steven''': Err... couple of months.
:'''Bismuth''': Listen, Steven. Pearl brought me here to set me up with her friends, but Connie came here to be with ''you.'' You've got nothing to mope about.
:'''Steven''': But her friends think I'm weird.
:'''Bismuth''': Of course you're weird! You're a Crystal Gem! Connie knows that, she's always known that! That never stopped you from being friends!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Steven collapses in the rink]''
:'''Connie''': Steven! Are you okay?
:'''Steven''': Connie, I'm sorry... I don't wanna hold you back.
:'''Connie''': I don't mind.
:'''Steven''': You've got school, new friends, you're going places and... I'm happy for you. But I feel like you're drifting away from me. I wish we could reconnect, but... BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SKATE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Steven and Connie win the skating contest as Stevonnie]''
:'''Patricia''': Steven, Connie, that was amazing!
:'''Daniel''': What the heck was that out there?
:'''Connie''': Oh, fusion? Yeah, that's kind of our thing.
:'''Steven''': It's something I picked up from my mom's side of the family.
:'''Daniel''': The only thing I get from my mom's side of the family is ''stressed out.''
:'''Steven''': ''[chuckles]'' Same...

===''Together Forever''===
:''[After Connie turns down Steven's proposal]''
:'''Steven''': I don't get it. Ruby and Sapphire said I should go for it.  
:'''Garnet''': You can't trust love advice from those two hopeless romantics.  
:'''Steven''': Then why didn't you stop me?  
:'''Garnet''': There was no future where you didn't propose to Connie.  
:'''Steven''': Of course...
:'''Garnet''': ''[hugs him]'' Your soulmate is your complement, not your missing piece. Ruby and Sapphire love being together, but they each have their own individual lives. Whatever hole there is in your life, Steven, I want you to understand that Connie-Stevonnie won't be able to fill it.

===''Growing Pains''===
:'''Priyanka''': Steven, do you remember anything bad in your childhood that particularly stuck with you?
:'''Steven''': I guess…I kind of freaked out when they [[w:Gem Glow|cancelled my favorite ice cream]]. And then I got attacked by a giant bug monster. And I got trapped in a bubble and almost drowned. I lost control of my body and turned into a blob of cats. I almost turned so old I died. Amethyst almost died. Pearl [[w:Steven the Sword Fighter|''did'' die]]. Garnet got destabilized right in front of me. I woke up with a black eye, [[w:Jail Break (Steven Universe)|imprisoned on a spaceship]]--
:'''Priyanka''': Steven, this is serious.
:'''Steven''': But that was just the early stuff.
:'''Priyanka''': I think all these experiences have been subjecting your body to a harmful amount of stress, and that's affecting your ability to respond to new forms of stress in a healthy way. You've been dealing with genuine threats from such a young age, your body is now responding to minor threats as if your life were in danger.
:'''Steven''': But, why am I only swelling up now?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Greg''': Come on, Steven, talk to me.
:'''Steven''': ''[tearing up]'' I... well... I, um... I proposed to Connie!
:'''Greg''': You what?!
:'''Steven''': She said no.
:'''Greg''': Oh, Steven...
:'''Steven''': My body... it's reacting like it's the end of the world. I think I've seen the world almost end so many times now that ''everything'' that goes wrong feels that... that extreme! I should be feeling so good these days! The Earth is safe, it's Era 3... But I'm swelling up over these third era problems! What do I do? How do I move on from all the stuff I've been through? How do I live life if it always feels like I'm about to die?!
:'''Greg''': It's gonna be all right, Stewball. I'm here for you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I guess I thought I could just follow Connie to college, like if we got married I'd know what to do with myself. But I'm the one that's gotta figure that stuff out.
:'''Greg''': Cut yourself some slack! It's okay to be worried and make some mistakes when you're figuring out what to do with your life. That's not unusual. Uh, well, the magic swelling is a little unusual, but that's okay too! If you want to be a giant boy, we can use the car wash as a shower.

=== ''Mr. Universe'' ===
:'''Steven''': I don't need this song! I need...I need what you had!
:'''Greg''': What?
:'''Steven''': I wish I could've grown up at a house like that.
:'''Greg''': No you don't!
:'''Steven''': Maybe your parents weren't so bad. Maybe they gave you curfews and chaperones and meatloaf f-for a reason!
:'''Greg''': Steven, you don't know what they were like!
:'''Steven''': They can't be worse then mom's family. I went halfway across the galaxy for them, and this was right here?!
:'''Greg''': Steven, I couldn't do anything growing up. Everything I liked, or wore, wanted was always wrong! Trust me, you're better off then I was.
:'''Steven''': I can't believe I never realized, you're... you're just like Mom! ''[turns pink as his grip tightens on the steering wheel]''
:'''Greg''': You grew up with actual freedom!
:'''Steven''': I grew up in a ''van!'' I never went to school! I've never been to the doctor until two days ago!
:'''Greg''': Steven! You're a gem! You're not like other kids!
:'''Steven''': I could have done all that stuff! My problem isn't that I'm a gem, my problem is that I'm a ''UNIVERSE!!''

===''Fragments''===
:'''Pearl''': How could this happen? You crashed the van with Greg inside? You know how fragile he is, these pink outbursts of yours are getting out of hand.
:'''Steven''': It's not an ''[turns pink]'' OUTBURST!
:'''Pearl''': See? This is exactly what I'm talking about! What's happening to you?
:'''Steven''': Nothing! ...It's nothing.
:'''Pearl''': S-Steven! Where are you going?! We're not pro- ''[Steven summons out a generated force field]'' Steven! Drop this wall!
:'''Steven''': Pearl, sorry. I'm trying- I just… need… some space, OK? I'll be in my room.
:'''Amethyst''': Not so fast, my dude. You gotta tell us what's going on.
:'''Garnet''': It looks like Steven is trying to avoid a serious discussion about this ''all'' together.
:'''Steven''': '''NO, I'M''' &lt;big&gt;'''NOT!!!'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[slams his fist into the stairs, unleashing a room-wrecking shockwave]''
:'''Garnet''': Steven, you have got to calm down and talk to us!
:'''Amethyst''': Just chill, man!
:'''Steven''': Nnghh…
:'''Pearl''': We need to do something about this before someone gets hurt!
:'''Steven''': NNGGHH…
:'''Garnet''': Don't let this power control you. You're better than this.
:'''Steven''': NNGGHH… &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; ''[notices the Gems are walking in slow-motion]'' I'm…speeding up again. I gotta get out of here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': This thing with my powers is a real problem!
:'''Jasper''': The only problem you have are your friends.
:'''Steven''': Huh?
:'''Jasper''': Can't you see they're holding you back?
:'''Steven''': What? No, they're-- they're just worried about me.
:'''Jasper''': They're afraid. Of your power.
:'''Steven''': Yeah... yeah, I guess so...
:'''Jasper''': You are too. You came all the way out here to hide from it. But ''I'm'' not here to hide. I don't stifle my anger or my power; I channel it into training!
:'''Steven''': Oh, right... this destroyed forest.
:'''Jasper''': I've got no one to serve, nowhere to go. All I have left is '''''POWER!''' [she punches a tree, completely smashing it apart]'' And in order to control that power, I have to ''use'' it. Those so-called &quot;friends&quot; of yours don't understand. They want you to feel bad for being yourself.
:'''Steven''': I ''do'' feel bad… ''[steps over to another tree and punches it, cringing in pain and remorse]''
:'''Jasper''': YEAH, DESTROY THAT WEAKLING TREE!
:'''Steven''': No! ''[kisses the tree, healing it and making grass sprout around it]''
:'''Jasper''': Ugh! Gross! That's disgusting! Bleh! No! The grass! ''[tears at it]'' Get outta here! ''[grabs Steven]'' Quit helping the local ecosystem recover!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[On Steven's new, more muscular form]''
:'''Jasper''': Hm. Not bad for three days of work. ''[Steven kisses one of his biceps]'' I didn't teach you that…

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jasper''': What are you holding back for?! You think I can't take it? I'm not gonna coddle you, Steven! Do you wanna go home to your gems?
:'''Steven''': No…
:'''Jasper''': Are you afraid to be strong? Are you pathetic? Are you ''weak?''
:'''Steven''': &lt;big&gt;'''''I'M NOT!!!!!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': You're right, Jasper. I ''have'' been holding back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Having shattered Jasper after losing control in their rematch, Steven hurries back to his bathroom and dips the fragments into Diamond aura potions]''
:'''Steven''': Please, please let this work! ''[crying]'' Jasper, I'm sorry. Please… come back. ''[his tears add Pink's aura to the mix]'' Please…
:''[After a while, Jasper's gem glows and heals, and she reforms]''
:'''Jasper''': ''[panting]'' Huh? What? You... ''shattered'' me?
:'''Steven''': Jasper! I-I'm so sorry, I should have stopped! I-I just wasn't thinking!  
:'''Jasper''': ''[steps out of the bathtub and bows on one knee]'' I bow to your strength… ''my Diamond.''  
:'''Steven''': ''[horrified]'' No...!

===''Homeworld Bound''===
:'''Pearl''': ''[knocks on the bathroom door]'' Steven?
:'''Amethyst''': What's going on in there? ''[Jasper emerges]'' Jasper?!
:'''Pearl''': What are you-?
:'''Amethyst''': Where's Steven?!
:'''Jasper''': Right here. ''[steps aside, revealing him looking scared and depressed]''
:'''Amethyst''': Steven? Where have you been?!
:''[Steven walks off upstairs to his conservatory]''
:'''Pearl''': You can't just disappear for days without telling us!
:'''Jasper''': My Diamond can do has he pleases.
:'''Amethyst''': Wait, what?!
:'''Pearl''': Why are you calling him that?!
:'''Garnet''': Steven!
:'''Pearl''': Where is he going?!
:''[The Gems follow Steven to his conservatory]''
:'''Pearl''': Steven, wait!
:'''Garnet''': You don't need to go.
:''[Steven turns pink and puts a barrier in front of the Gems as he sighs]''
:'''Amethyst''': What the HECK?!
:'''Steven''': You guys… I love you, but you ''can't'' help me anymore. I've been avoiding the only people in the entire universe who can. Please, don't follow me. You too, Jasper. Find something better to do with your life.
:'''Garnet''': Steven! Remember, we'll always be your family.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Spinel''': STEVEN! ''[grabs him and kisses him]''
:'''Steven''': ''[turning pink]'' Spinel, what is wrong with you?!
:'''Spinel''': Oh, y'know, the usual.
:'''Steven''': ''[turning back to normal]'' So, how've you been since, err...?
:'''Spinel''': Since I tried to kill you? That was so embarrassing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[controlling White Diamond]'' Whoa. This is… so weird. I'm-I'm, I'm a Diamond. This- This is the last thing I needed to see. I don't wanna be you! I don't wanna be anything like you! Why won't you just go '''AWAY?!''' ''[punches a pillar]'' Don't hurt me! She can't hurt me. I'm controlling her. So why am I so afraid? ''[flashes back to his memory of White pulling his gemstone out; scowls angrily]'' '''''She's''''' the one who should be afraid.
:'''White Diamond''': ''[talking in Steven's voice]'' What's- what's going on? ''[Steven starts controlling her like a puppet]'' What? No, stop it. I don't like this!
:'''Steven''': Too bad. ''[force controls White by walking toward a pillar]''
:'''White Diamond''': Let me go! ''[grabs hold of the pillar]'' Please! You're scaring me!
:'''Steven''': This is for EVERYTHING you put me through! ''[forces White Diamond’s head to slam into the pillar, in an attempt to shatter her gemstone, instead, snaps them out of it and hits his own head, allowing White Diamond to regain her control again]''
:'''White Diamond''': ''[breathing; horrified]'' What… what ''was'' that?!
:'''Steven''': I-I don't know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Spinel''': Hey, buddy, where you going?
:'''Steven''': Wait a second - ''you'' used to have vengeful thoughts!
:'''Spinel''': ''[awkwardly]'' Ooooh, yeah... but I don't get 'em anymore.
:'''Steven''': How did you make them stop?
:'''Spinel''': I met a little someone named Steven Universe! And he told me: ''[singing]'' [[w:Steven Universe: The Movie|IIIIII, I can make a chaaaaange! You can make a promise...]]
:'''Steven''': Gah! Don't give me my own advice!

===''Everything's Fine''===
:'''Steven''': Hey, Connie, what's up?
:'''Connie''': Steven! Good, you finally picked up! I can't believe we haven't spoken since the hospital. How are you?
:'''Steven''': I'm great! Never been better!
:'''Connie''': Really? Have you had any more issues with swelling and glowing pink?
:'''Steven''': Um... Nope? Well, maybe, but how about you? How's college prep?
:'''Connie''': Steven, that's, uh- It's fine, but what do you mean, maybe?
:'''Steven''': Look, there's nothing to worry about. I'm OK.
:'''Connie''': Steven...
:'''Steven''': I should go. I don't wanna wake up the Gems.
:'''Connie''': But they don't even sleep!
:'''Steven''': Uh, bye!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While trying to help in Bismuth's workshop]''
:'''Steven''': Ooh, look at that. Now you have ''two'' anvils.
:'''Bismuth''': Noooo! My anvil! My beautiful anvil!
:'''Steven''': Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, my work here is done. Well, toodles!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connie''': Steven!
:'''Steven''': Huh?
:'''Connie''': I knew it! You ''are'' swelling and glowing again. I've been trying to call you, but I came as soon as I saw this. ''[holds out her phone, on which Steven, glowing and swelled up, is doing the plant Steven's dance and looping the message &quot;Steven's here to help!&quot;]'' What is going on?
:'''Steven''': I... broadcast my subconscious sometimes these days. It's really no big deal.
:'''Connie''': Okay, but... I can tell something is bothering you. ''[holds out her phone again; the message makes some statics]''
:'''Steven''': Ah, I don't know what you're talking about. I'm fine! Awesome, in fact. Come on, you've seen me when I wasn't doing well.
:'''Greg''': Steven, if being like this is what you want, then we'll support you one hundred percent. Whatever makes you happy. But, if you're not happy, if something's wrong-
:'''Steven''': Nothing's wrong! Besides, I don't want you to worry.
:'''Connie''': We ''are'' worried!
:'''Greg''': Steven, you know you can tell us anything.
:'''Steven''': It's not that easy! You know what? I don't have to deal with this! ''[walks towards the door, but Amethyst, Pearl, and Connie block his way]''
:'''Amethyst''': Hold up, dude.
:'''Garnet''': Steven, you need to stop running.
:'''Greg''': Please.
:''[Steven starts groaning in frustration, his head briefly swelling out of shape]''
:'''Connie''': Steven, we should get you back to the hospital.
:'''Amethyst and Pearl''': HOSPITAL?!
:'''Pearl''': When were you in the hospital?!
:'''Connie''': You didn't tell them?!
:'''Steven''': 	''[becoming hysterical, starting to laugh uneasily]'' It wasn't that important, you guys! You're making a big deal out of nothing. Have I done some things wrong? Sure! I trashed the house today, I broke an anvil - what teenager hasn't? Dad and I had a little disagreement, but that's practically a rite of passage! I mean, it would be weird if we didn't, right? And ''maybe'' I've had a not-so-nice thought or two about, like, you know, slamming White Diamond's head through a pillar, but it's not like I actually went through with it! I only ''actually'' shattered Jasper!
:''[Pearl gasps in horrified shock]''
:'''Amethyst''': WHAT?!
:''[Garnet, Connie, and Greg gasp]''
:'''Connie''': You're- you're joking, right?
:'''Steven''': Oh, don't worry! I fixed that too! I can fix ''anything!'' I can just keep messing up and fixing things forever, and you'll never have to know or think about any of it!
:'''Garnet''': Steven...
:'''Steven''': ''[sighs as he finally loses it]'' How messed up is that? That I've gotten away with this for so long? You have ''no'' idea how bad I am! Y-You think I'm so great, and I'm so mature, and I always know what to do! But ''that's'' not true! I haven't learned a thing from my problems! They've all just made me worse! You all think of me as some angel, but I'm not that kid anymore! ''[close-up on his scowl]'' I'm a fraud. ''[falls to the floor as his breaths become shaky]'' I'm a fraud. I'm a MONSTER! ''[massive pink spikes burst out of his back, tearing his shirt with everyone taking  a step back, with plain terror]''

===''I Am My Monster''===
:'''Greg''': ''[calling out]'' Just calm down, son! Take deep breaths! Deep breaths!
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah! Relax, buddy!
:'''Peridot''': Let's hurry up and clobber that thing!
:'''Garnet''': Stand down.
:'''Peridot''': What for?!
:'''Lapis''': Where's Steven?
:'''Garnet''': That ''is'' Steven.
:'''Peridot, Bismuth, &amp; Lapis''': ''[shocked]'' '''WHAT?!'''
:''[Monster Steven bashes his head against the cliff of the temple, causing an avalanche of boulders to fall]''
:'''Garnet''': RUN!
:'''Amethyst''': He's not listening to us at all!
:'''Pearl''': What happened to him? First, he says he's a shatterer and then he's turned into this...''thing''!
:'''Connie''': We can change him back, can't we?
:'''Garnet''': As long as he believes he's a monster, he'll ''stay'' one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Spinel''': ''[jumps out of the Diamond ship, holding Steven's flip flop]'' You forgot your foot thong thingy! ''[sees Steven as a monster]'' OOOH, OH!
:''[The Diamonds walk out of the ship]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What is going on here?
:'''White Diamond''': Why is something like this ''always'' happening when we show up for a visit?
:'''Blue Diamond''': What is that thing?
:'''Garnet''': That &quot;thing&quot; is Steven.
:''[Blue, White Diamond, and Spinel gasp in shock]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': WHAT?!
:'''White Diamond''': Impossible!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Is he corrupted?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': But how?
:'''Garnet''': Never mind that. We have to change him back.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Leave it to me. ''[she catches Monster Steven's head in an energy aura and tries to shrink it down, only for it to revert back immediately, to her confusion]'' With my new power, I should be able to alter his physical form.
:'''Blue Diamond''': He's resisting. Maybe he needs to feel better first. I can help with that. ''[she sends a cloud of joy towards Monster Steven, but he blows it right back]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Look out! ''[the cloud hits her and Spinel, and they start laughing uncontrollably]'' Wow! Your new power didn't work either!
:'''White Diamond''': ''[pushes Yellow and Blue aside and approaches Monster Steven]'' Enough. I know exactly how to help. If I connect with him and he speaks through me, maybe we'll understand what he's going through. Now then, do you hear me, Steven? ''[her gem glows and the atmosphere's colors change]'' Just relax and let me in… Wait-- ''[her eyes glow, and she cries out and falls back as Yellow and Blue catch her]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': White!
:'''Blue Diamond''': What happened?!
:'''White Diamond''': ''[horrified]'' That's ''not'' Steven anymore!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': Guys, look! The Cluster is trying to hold Steven back!
:'''Peridot''': I can't believe it! He's even stronger than the Cluster!
:'''Bismuth''': Don't let your guard down. He could break free at any moment!
:'''Pearl''': Deep inside this…monster, Steven must be in there, so angry.
:'''Amethyst''': I knew something was going on. I- Why didn't I ''do'' something?!
:'''Sapphire''': ''[crying]'' If we don't get through to him, he'll stay like this ''forever!'' ''[starts sobbing along with Ruby while Lapis watches]''
:'''Amethyst''': ''[to Greg as he takes a few steps back]'' Dude, you should get outta here before you get hurt!
:'''Greg''': ''[stomps his foot]'' NO! Everytime Gem stuff happens, I run the other way! This is ''my'' son! And he's right to be angry, because I didn't protect him!
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[tearing up; crying]'' You didn't protect him from us! He's like this because of us!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[crying]'' ''We're'' the source of Steven's suffering!
:'''Spinel''': ''[breaks down, sobbing hysterically and blowing her nose into her pigtails]'' THIS IS ''MY'' FAULT!
:'''White Diamond''': ''[crying]'' Spinel, don't be silly. Everyone knows that all of this is because of ''me!''
:'''Spinel''': No, it's ME! I tried to wipe his friends' memories, so he would die alone on a barren world!
:'''White Diamond''': ''[crying and sobbing]'' That was because you were angry with Pink! And if Pink hurt you, it was because ''I'' hurt ''her!'' Like I hurt Yellow and Blue and Steven and everyone in the entire universe! This is all ''my'' fault!
:'''Connie''': YES, it is! ''[rides in on Lion]'' Yes, you hurt him, but this isn't the time to make this all about you! That is not helping! Maybe Steven would care how sad you are, because he always puts everyone else's feelings first! But he can't do that for you right now, because he needs ''us'' this time! We all have Steven when we needed him. But the only person who's never had Steven is Steven! He's ''always'' been there for us, so… how can we be there for him now?
:''[Ruby and Sapphire smile and fuse back into Garnet]''
:'''Garnet''': I know how. 
:''[Monster Steven breaks free of the Cluster's hand, defeats it and charges at the beach]''
:'''Garnet''': Okay! No time to waste. Yellow, make me as big as him!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Right.
:'''Garnet''': Blue, lift everyone up!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Of course.
:'''Garnet''': Everyone, get in line!
:'''Greg''': You got it!
:'''Garnet''': It's time to show Steven… some love.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': ''[hugging her arms tightly around Monster Steven while he's struggling; calmly]'' Steven, when I fell apart, you were there for me. I want to be there for ''you'' now. I'm here, Steven. I'm here.
:'''Lapis''': This is working? You hear us? Steven! ''[comes and hugs him]''
:''[Everyone comes in for the hug too]''
:'''Greg''': I'm here, Schtu-Ball! Whatever you need, I'll make it happen! You hear me?!
:'''Peridot''': Steven! You never gave up on me for some reasons I don't understand! I'll do the same for you!
:'''Amethyst''': I know you feel bad! Believe me, I get it! Sometimes it feels like you're never gonna like yourself but… it's possible, man!
:'''Pearl''': Steven, I know how awful it feels to keep a part of yourself secret! You shouldn't have to hide anything from me!
:''[Monster Steven stammers emotionally, and the Cluster's hand reappears and takes his]''
:'''Connie''': ''[jumps off Lion's head and lands on Monster Steven's nose, walks closer to his face and hugs him; sighs]'' Steven… you must have been ''so'' afraid to show us this side of yourself. But we're not going anywhere. We're all gonna take care of you the same way you took care of us. You know what? I don't have your powers, but… ''[kisses him with a pink droplet appearing]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[wakes up, back to his normal human-self, still crying]'' Huh? ''[looks and sees everyone smiling at him]'' Wha…I… Did-Did I-I'm- ''[Lion pops up and licks him; chuckling]'' Lion. ''[hugs Lion]'' Lion! ''[begins sobbing, letting out his emotions]''

===''The Future''===
:'''Jasper''': ''[bursts through the wall, staying aloof]'' Heard you’re leaving. ''[faces at Steven]'' I’m coming with you!
:'''Steven''': Jasper, I’m going ''alone.''
:'''Jasper''': Then who will protect you?!
:'''Steven''': I can protect myself.
:'''Jasper''': ''[sighs disappointingly, scowls]'' I know. ''[punches a hole in the ground and looks the opposite direction]'' Farewell, my Diamond. ''[headbutts the wall, creating another Jasper-shaped hole next to the previous one, walks through it]''
:'''Steven''': Whoa! Even Jasper's more upset than my own family! Maybe I need a round two?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Garnet''': I couldn't resist looking into your future. I peeked, and I saw a possibility that our tears would keep you from leaving. But I also saw many paths ahead of you, and we are a part of ''all'' of them. Wherever you end up, we will visit you to talk, to listen, to be there – whenever you need us. We love you, Steven.

==External links==
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[[Category:Steven Universe]]</text>
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      <text bytes="48323" xml:space="preserve">----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]]
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{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Steven Universe Future|Steven Universe Future]]''''' (2019–2020) is an animated limited series produced by [[w:Cartoon Network|Cartoon Network]] as an epilogue for [[Steven Universe (season 5)|Season 5]] of ''[[Steven Universe]]'' and ''[[Steven Universe: The Movie]]''.

==Episodes==
===''Little Homeschool''===
:'''Steven''': ''[narrating]'' Life is a little different these days. The Diamonds have ended their reign of terror. The intergalactic war is over, and Earth is officially an independent planet. We're all safe to explore our dreams. Lars opened up his own pastry shop, and it's got a real cute space gimmick goin' on. Sadie's been touring with The Suspects, promoting their new album, and Connie has been getting a head start on college prep. She's two years away from applying, but she says it doesn't hurt to start early. And speaking of higher education, Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl and I have been cooking up a dream of our own!
:'''Cherry Quartz''': I have no idea who you're talking about.
:'''Steven''': ''[chuckling]'' Don't worry about it. You'll learn all that, and more, right here at Little Homeschool. ''[gives Cherry Quartz a tour around]'' Here at Little Homeschool, you have a chance to rediscover yourself and learn to live on Earth if you like. You can forge a new identity. Grow your own ideas. And even find your inner Morp!
:'''Cherry Quartz''': Wait, what's a &quot;Morp&quot;?
:'''Steven''': That's ''exactly'' the kind of question we love to hear!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': You know, half those Gems are soldiers who fought by your side before they were corrupted and turned into monsters. They're lost and confused and still a little messed up, but they're getting the help they need.
:'''Jasper''': So? Who cares?
:'''Steven''': ''[angrily]'' I do! And if I didn't care, you'd still be a monster too!
:'''Jasper''': And what? Now I owe you?
:'''Steven''': No!
:'''Jasper''': You think because you did something I never asked for, I'm going to ''obey'' you?
:'''Steven''': No! That's not--
:'''Jasper''': Like all the other Gems you ''use.''
:'''Steven''': ''[frustrated]'' AGGGHHH! I only came here because I felt bad for you, but all of this is your own fault! All the other Gems were corrupted by the Diamonds, but-- but you corrupted yourself just to win a fight! Which you ''LOST!'' To ''ME!'' No one's making you stay here all alone in the middle of nowhere, ready to fight a war that's been over for years! Are you just gonna sit here for centuries waiting for someone to give you a purpose?! ''Because I'm trying to give you one!''
:'''Jasper''': Listen, weakling! You might have Pink Diamond's gem, but you are ''not'' my Diamond, and I am ''not'' going to take orders from some weak, sappy, useless piece of dirt! If you think you're hard enough to tell me what to do, then fight me and prove it.
:'''Steven''': Fine!
:'''Jasper''': ''[suddenly smiles eagerly]'' Really? Huh, well then! Why don't you throw the first punch? ''[beckons tauntingly, and Steven punches her, pushing her back a few feet]'' Ooohh...! ''[laughs aggressively and charges back at him]''
:'''Steven''': I... guess we're doing this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[During his fight with Jasper, Steven bubbles a nest of baby birds to protect them]''
:'''Jasper''': Stop trying to help those tiny flapping Earthlings, and ''FIGHT ME!'' 
:'''Steven''': I'll never stop trying to help them, or you!
:'''Jasper''': ''[kicking his shield away and pinning him down]'' I don't need your help! ''You're'' the one that needs help! You think you've beaten me, but you've never beaten me on your own! You've always been a fusion! You've always had your friends! Because you're nothing without them! You think everyone needs help!
:'''Steven''': ''[tearing up]'' I-- I just--  
:'''Jasper''': But ''it's only you. No one'' is as '''''pitiful''''' as '''''you!'''''
:''[Shaken and angry, Steven starts to glow pink and pushes Jasper back with a sudden burst of strength, much to her surprise]''
:'''Steven''': ''[looking at himself]'' Whoa... what? ''[Jasper grins, and Steven angrily summons a bubble glove and charges at her with it]'' I'M... ''NOT''... PITIFUL! ''[sends her flying back through several trees]''
:'''Jasper''': ''[chuckles]'' Ha. Not bad. ''[continues to fight Steven, who catches her in the middle of a spin-dash]'' Nice catch.
:'''Steven''': You should see my ''THROW!'' ''[tosses her up into the air, where she laughs as he hits her several more times]'' STOP LAUGHING! ''[sends her slamming back down into the ground, then gasps in shock and returns to normal]'' Jasper...
:'''Jasper''': ''[gets up and shakes herself off, impressed]'' Huh. I didn't think you had it in you.  
:'''Steven''': I don't... I don't know what that was. I'm sorry.  
:'''Jasper''': ''[rolling her eyes]'' Ugh! Don't apologize.  
:'''Steven''': I... think I had you all wrong. Maybe you don't have something to learn from me. Maybe I have something to learn from you. ''[Jasper raises an eyebrow]'' Would you ever be interested in teaching?  
:'''Jasper''': ''[scoffs]'' Tssh! At your crummy little school?
:'''Steven''': No, just me. You brought something out of me I didn't know I had.  
:'''Jasper''': ''[walks up to Steven, placing a hand on his shoulder]'' Consider that fight back there your first and ''only'' lesson. ''[begins walking off]''  
:'''Steven''': Well... can I come back to see you sometime?  
:'''Jasper''': Do what you want.

===''Guidance''===
:'''Larimar''': What is this wonderful noise?  
:'''Steven''': Those are the joyful screams of people on a roller coaster.  
:'''Larimar''': Human screams are my favorite of the Earth's delights. I want to hear the human screams forever.
:'''Steven''': Okay, that's kind of troubling. But your heart is in the right place.
:'''Larimar''': One day, I'll make ''you'' scream, Steven.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Larimar''': I just wanted to say thanks for the amusement park job. I'm not great at the roller-coaster operation, we know, but I found out I'm good at handing out prizes to children, and I love their laughter.
:'''Steven''': Aww.
:'''Larimar''': It sounds just like screaming.

===''Rose Buds''===
:'''Holly Blue Agate''': Stop relaxing and get back to your posts! Ugh! How can you stand this total lack of order?
:'''Amethyst Guard''': Chill out, Holly Blue. You know you want to.
:'''Holly Blue Agate''' I give up. No one answers to me, and I answer to no one. I'd give anything for an order from the Diamonds, but all they talk about is Steven, Steven, Steven -- Steven!
:'''Steven''': Hi, Holly.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[seeing all of the Rose Quartzes being un-bubbled]'' So... Many... Rose Quartzes. How did the--
:'''Superfan Rose''': Oh, now that it's Era 3, we were all unbubbled, so now, we're making up for lost time. Hi! I'm Rose Quartz, and you, you're Steven! You are so much smaller than I imagined! Is it because you're half organic? Can you believe it, Rose Quartz?!
:'''Hippie Rose''': It's like, we where bubbled, but now we're like, not bubbled.
:'''Steven''': Th-It's really-- It's really great.

===''Volleyball''===
:'''Steven''': So, how would you like your magical spit administered today?
:'''Ruby bodyguard''': Ah, geez, uh... the ''not'' kissing one?
:'''Steven''': You got it! ''[licks his palm and applies healing spit onto the Ruby's gem, healing the crack]'' Man, what kind of enemies does the mayor have to keep you landing in my office?
:'''Ruby bodyguard''': That's classified information, nurse-citizen Universe.
:'''Steven''': Okay, well, try not to classify too hard out there. Oh, don't forget your lollipop!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[On Pink Pearl's cracked face]''
:'''Pearl''': How could White be so careless?  
:'''Pink Pearl''': ''[chuckling]'' Oh, no, Pearl. You've got it all wrong. Pink did this.
:'''Pearl''': ''[shocked]'' What did you say? ''[approaches her]'' 
:'''Steven''': Pearl, no...!  
:'''Pink Pearl''': It's a funny story, really. Once, Pink got tired of asking Yellow and Blue for her own colony, so she went straight to White. Of course, White told her she wasn't fit to run one, and, well, that set her off. 
:'''Pearl''': &quot;Set her off&quot;? What are you talking about?  
:'''Pink Pearl''': You remember how she was, with her destructive powers, throwing tantrums left and right. She had a scream that could crack the walls. She didn't mean to hurt me. ''[chuckles]'' I just happened to be standing too close to her that time, and--  
:'''Steven''': ''[covering his ears anxiously]'' Doesn't matter! I'm gonna fix it!  
:'''Pearl''': Destructive powers?! Pink didn't have destructive powers, she was a healer! She didn't throw tantrums, she kept her feelings secret!
:'''Pink Pearl''': The Pink I knew couldn't keep a secret to save her gem.  
:'''Pearl''': Are you kidding?! If anything, she was ''too'' good at keeping secrets, even from me!
:''[Frustrated by their arguing, Steven furiously snaps and starts glowing pink]''
:'''Steven''': ''[lividly]'' ''STOP IT!'' I CAN'T DEAL WITH ''ONE MORE'' HORRIBLE THING SHE DID, OKAY?! ''[Both Pearls gasp]'' I DON'T WANNA HEAR ABOUT IT, I DON'T EVEN WANNA ''THINK'' ABOUT IT!
:'''Pearl''': Steven!
:'''Steven''': I JUST WANT TO '''''FIX IT!!!'''''
:''[Steven unleashes a shockwave that causes cracks around the room. Pink Pearl cowers in fear, and Steven looks at his own reflection in shock and remorse]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': I'm sorry for not believing you. It looks like I'm still making excuses for her. 
:'''Pink Pearl''': ''[tearfully]'' Is that what ''I've'' been doing?! But... she didn't mean to! 
:'''Pearl''': But you were hurt! Badly hurt! 
:'''Pink Pearl''': I was badly hurt... How did ''you'' stop hurting? 
:'''Pearl''': ''[embraces her tightly]'' I didn't.
:''[Pink Pearl returns the hug, and they fuse into Mega Pearl]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I'm so sorry. The whole trip was for nothing. 
:'''Mega Pearl''': No, it wasn't for nothing. Your mother's Pearls never had the whole picture. One knew your mother was trying to change, but she couldn't understand why. The other never expected her to change at all. Now, I get to understand everything. Now, they finally get to have each other.
:''[She separates into the two Pearls, peacefully holding hands]''

===''Bluebird''===
:'''Steven''': Tsk, tsk, tsk. You guys fused just because you hate me, didn't you?
:'''Aquamarine and &quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': Yes!
:'''Steven Universe''': If that's the only reason, then it's no wonder you can't keep it together.
:'''Aquamarine''': What are you talking about?
:'''Steven Universe''': There are so many other reasons to fuse, like friendship and responsibility and... and love. Imagine how much better it would feel to fuse to support each other, instead of tearing someone down. Your life would fill with warmth and friendship and joy and love and--
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': ''[covering her ears]'' Wowie, wow! He is ''so'' annoying!
:'''Aquamarine''': I hate him so much!
:'''Aquamarine and &quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': I know! Me too! ''[they fuse back into Bluebird Azurite]''
:'''Steven''': Are you kidding me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I'm really sorry, Dad. I never should have given Bluebird a chance.
:'''Greg''': I love how you believe in everyone. You stuck to your principles, and I'm proud of you. I mean, everyone can change, but not everyone wants to.

===''A Very Special Episode''===
:'''Ocean Jasper''': I slip on the stairs?
:'''Garnet''': Yes. You shatter on impact.
:''[Ocean Jasper and a Nephrite scream]''
:'''Steven''': ''[enters through the door]'' Garnet, I'm here.
:'''Garnet''': Steven, help. I think I'm scaring them.
:'''Steven''': It's okay. We got this. Let's get this safety Geminar started with a very special guest speaker.
:''[They both fuse into Sunstone]''
:'''Sunstone''': Your rockin' pal Sunstone's here to shine.
:'''Ocean Jasper''': Watch out, Sunstone. It's dangerous in here.
:'''Sunstone''': Not if you practice home safety. Don't slip up. Clear objects off the stairs. Foul shot! Make sure you cover your trash, or you might attract wild animals. Come on. Let's go! Don't leave the water running, it could flood your house. Put protective covers on electrical outlets, especially when kids are around. And most importantly, turn off motion smoothing on your TV.
:'''Ocean Jasper''': Wow, everything looks so much better!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Steven receives a call from Pearl, who he left to take care of Onion]''
:'''Steven''': ''[exhausted]'' Please, please have everything under control...  
:'''Pearl''': STEVEN! EVERYTHING IS OUT OF CONTROL!
:'''Steven''': Yup...
:'''Pearl''': It's getting really weird here! Steven, you were never like this, you were such a good kid! I'm so sorry I never told you that! Aah! I... I can hear him, but I can't see him! I think he's in the walls! I don't know how he got there, and I don't know how to get him out! ''[call ends]''
:'''Steven''': ''[long gasp]'' Garnet, can you handle things on your own for a little bit?  
:'''Garnet''': No problem. Our students love me. ''[walks over to them]'' Let me tell you all the ways you can get hit by a car.  
:'''Steven''': Agh, Garnet! Forget it. I'll stay. I'll stay!  
:'''Pearl''': ''[in another call]'' STEVEN, THERE'S A SNAKE!
:'''Steven''': Never mind!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rainbow Quartz 2.0''': Why play with sharp objects when you can play with my sharp wit? Crack jokes, not cookie jars, as I always say. Ha ha!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': It's important to keep in mind that all these horrible things ''did'' happen to you in alternate timelines. Safety is fun.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Onion has led Garnet's students off a cliff]''
:'''Pearl''': Oh, no!
:'''Garnet''': Steven, quick! Sunstone can save them!
:'''Steven''': Okay... ''[they fuse into Sunstone]'' 
:'''Sunstone''': Oh, yeah!
:'''Pearl''': No! Let Rainbow save them! ''[fuses with Steven]''  
:'''Rainbow Quartz 2.0''': ''[showing his umbrella]'' I'll catch them with this!  
:'''Amethyst''': ''[rushing in]'' Hey, wait! ''I'' need Steven!
:'''Steven''' ''[unfuses from Pearl]'' What is it, Amethyst?  
:'''Amethyst''': I just miss you, man! I haven't seen you for, like, eleven minutes!

===''Snow Day''===
:'''Amethyst''': ''[enters with fried eggs for eyes]'' You really gonna skip the most egg-ssential meal of the day?
:'''Steven''': Of course not. I've got all my morning nutrients in this protein shake.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[pokes yolk to leak]'' Dude, you're making me sad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': Man, you had a better work-life balance when the Diamonds were trying to destroy the planet.
:'''Steven''': That was then. This is now.
:'''Amethyst''': Hey, you know what we haven't done in a long time? ''[shapeshifts into 14-year-old Steven]'' Steven Tag!
:'''Steven''': Amethyst, what the heck?!
:'''Amethyst''': You know the rules, buster. You get tagged, you have to turn into Steven.
:'''Steven''': But I'm already Steven!
:'''Amethyst''': Nah, bruh. ''Classic'' Steven.
:'''Steven''': ''Classic Steven?''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Pearl gets tagged in Garnet and Amethyst's new game of Steven Tag]''
:'''Steven''': Ha! Joke's on you! Pearl doesn't shapeshift! ''[Pearl starts to glow]'' Huh?
:'''Pearl''': ''[shapeshifts into Steven]'' The power of Steven Tag COMPELS ME!
:'''Steven''': ''[chuckles]'' Wow. Good for her.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': It was a snowman… ''[takes off her visor]'' with Steven's jacket. NOOOOOO!
:'''Steven''': ''[shivering]'' They'll never stop until they make me play.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I really didn't want to do this, but you leave me no choice. I ''JOIN'' THE GAME!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': You shouldn't have messed with me. Huh? ''[gets tagged by Sapphire]''
:'''Sapphire''': Tag.
:'''Steven''': ''[falls off the lighthouse]'' Oh, no. Is this the end of my adult life?

===''Why So Blue?''===
:'''Steven''' You're right. This is harder than usual.  
:'''Lapis''': You've just got to force them to stop. This is going to be a fight. They're not nice like me.  
:'''Steven''': Umm...  
:'''Lapis''': Exactly.  
:'''Steven''': They just don't understand that they're doing harm. Y-you get it. What made it click for you?  
:'''Lapis''': ''A cycle of horrible torture.'' ''[smiling]'' But other than that, living in nature, getting creative.
:'''Steven''': Yeah! Come on, we can do that for them.  
:'''Lapis''': Okay. Just a little torture.  
:'''Steven''': N-no, just the other stuff. 
:'''Lapis''': ''[sighs]'' Fine, we'll try it your way.
:''[They head back to the two Lapis Lazulis]'' 
:'''Steven''': Hey, so, why don't we explore the many things that you can do that don't involve destroying worlds?  
:'''&quot;Mean&quot; Lapis''': Should we listen to him?  
:'''&quot;Nice&quot; Lapis''': He is half-Diamond. Maybe, we should half-listen.  
:'''Steven''': I'll take that as a &quot;yes.&quot; Let's go. 

===''Little Graduation''===
:'''Lars''': ''[about Shep]'' Say hi to them for me.

===''Prickly Pair''===
:'''Cactus Steven''': I can't tell Pearl how I feel, 'cause she'd blame herself! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cactus Steven''': I can't hear any more high and mighty advice from Garnet! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cactus Steven''': I'm so sick of Amethyst acting like she's so mature now!
:'''Amethyst''': Why's it being so weirdly specific?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': Hey, dude?
:'''Pearl''': Is there anything you need to talk about?
:'''Steven''': ''[softly]'' ... I think I've said enough.

===''In Dreams''===
:''[After Steven and Peridot have watched the'' Camp Pining Hearts ''reboot]''
:'''Steven''': Wha…? Wha…?!
:'''Steven and Peridot''': '''''WHAT HAVE THEY DONE?!?!?'''''  
:'''Peridot''': What is with this Rodrigo guy?! He has no charisma!  
:'''Steven''': And can we talk about this cinematography?!  
:'''Peridot''': GAAAH, THEY'VE CHANGED ''ALL'' THE CHARACTERS, AND I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THEM! ''[grabs the television]'' HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?! ''[sobs] Camp Pining Hearts'' helped me escape when everything around me was in chaos...  
:'''Steven''': ''CPH'' brought us together... 
:'''Peridot''': And now, LOOK AT THIS NIGHTMARE! ''[the TV suddenly shows Steven's dream]'' Steven?! You didn't tell me that they cast you!  
:'''Steven''': What?! They didn't. I-Is this... my dream from last night? ''[on the TV, after Steven falls and the dream ends, it goes back to'' Camp Pining Hearts ''again]'' Whoa! My- My powers must be interfering with the TV signal!  
:'''Peridot''': ''[delighted]'' Steven! Do you know what this means?!  
:'''Steven''': I have to start wearing a tinfoil hat?  
:'''Peridot''': No! It means that if we can put your dreams on the television, we can reboot the reboot!  
:'''Steven''': &quot;Reboot the...?&quot; Peridot, you're a genius!  
:'''Peridot''': I know.
:'''Steven''': And, well, it might be fun to fix something that isn't the entire universe.  
:'''Peridot''': ''[grabs him with one arm]'' This is going to be the beginning of Peridot and Steven Productions!  
:'''Steven''': Yeah-- whoa! ''[topples onto her]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': Peridot! We've always had something to fix together - the Cluster, the Diamonds, or Spinel! I don't think I know how to be a friend without something to fix! But I... I just can't do it anymore! I'm so tired... Now I'm even doing it in my dreams! I'm sorry, I can't do this for you. Please don't leave! Don't... leave!
:''[The dream stops, in the manner of a TV turning off; Steven awakens, in tears, to Peridot's concerned voice]''
:'''Peridot''': Steven? Steven! STEVEN! Steven, I saw everything! It's-- It's fine! We don't have to do this anymore. ''[hugs him and starts tearing up]'' I don't care about the show, and I ''definitely'' don't care about Rodrigo! Hrrrgh, I'm such a clod!
:'''Steven''': But I really wanted to spend time with you! I just... wanted an excuse to hang out.
:'''Peridot''': We don't need an excuse to hang out.
:'''Steven''': Can... we still watch ''CPH'' together? Even if it sucks?
:'''Peridot''': ''[removes her visor to wipe her eyes, and smiles]'' Of course.
:''[Later, they watch the show]''
:'''Jasmine''': ''[in the show, angrily]'' How could you lie to me like that, Rodrigo?! I guess you just can't help being a bad person!
:''[Steven and Peridot laugh]''
:'''Peridot''': Jasmine, you just ''buried a body in the woods'', and now you're mad that Rodrigo cheated at ''cards?!''
:''[They laugh again]''
:'''Peridot''': This show is the worst!
:'''Steven''': ''[smiling warmly at her]'' This show is the best.

===''Bismuth Casual''===
:''[At the Starlight Roller Rink]''
:'''Bismuth''': Woooow! So you mean to tell me people pay to have wheels strapped to their feet for fun? That is really something else.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Patricia''': You should have seen Daniel earlier. He was all bent out of shape 'cos his mom tore into him over his last test scores!
:'''Daniel''': ''[groans]'' You know, I kind of forgot about it for a sec.
:'''Steven''': Heh... I know how that is. One time, White Diamond tore into me... literally! ''[laughs awkwardly]'' She, uh, she took my gem - I'm part Gem, by the way - she pulled it right out of my body.
:'''Daniel''': Okay...?
:'''Patricia''': So what grade are you in, Steven?
:'''Steven''': Grade? Err, uh... sixteen?
:'''Patricia''': ''[laughs]''
:'''Daniel''': So you're taking AP classes?
:'''Steven''': Uh...
:'''Connie''': Y'all ready to skate?
:'''Patricia''': Heck, yeah!
:''[Connie, Patricia and Daniel skate away]''
:'''Steven''': I really blew that one. Bet if they were enemy Gems, we'd be best friends by now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Pearl forms a roll of toilet paper from her gem and gives it to Bismuth]''
:'''Pearl''': Oh, here, take this. Every human has at least one of these in their homes. Sometimes they even use it ''[secretively]'' for vandalism! Good luck out there! ''[starts skating away]''
:'''Bismuth''': Wait, where are you going?
:'''Pearl''': You don't need me anymore, Bismuth - the humans already love you! I'm going to make some new connections of my own! ''[to a random skater]'' Hello, fellow skater! Would you like a fresh roll? ''[forms another roll]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': When Connie and I were fighting to save the universe, things were sort of easier. We were fighting the same fight. Now it's like we're living different lives. I wonder if I'm even her best friend anymore...
:'''Bismuth''': ''[pounds the table firmly]'' How long has this been going on?
:'''Steven''': Err... couple of months.
:'''Bismuth''': Listen, Steven. Pearl brought me here to set me up with her friends, but Connie came here to be with ''you.'' You've got nothing to mope about.
:'''Steven''': But her friends think I'm weird.
:'''Bismuth''': Of course you're weird! You're a Crystal Gem! Connie knows that, she's always known that! That never stopped you from being friends!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Steven collapses in the rink]''
:'''Connie''': Steven! Are you okay?
:'''Steven''': Connie, I'm sorry... I don't wanna hold you back.
:'''Connie''': I don't mind.
:'''Steven''': You've got school, new friends, you're going places and... I'm happy for you. But I feel like you're drifting away from me. I wish we could reconnect, but... BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SKATE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Steven and Connie win the skating contest as Stevonnie]''
:'''Patricia''': Steven, Connie, that was amazing!
:'''Daniel''': What the heck was that out there?
:'''Connie''': Oh, fusion? Yeah, that's kind of our thing.
:'''Steven''': It's something I picked up from my mom's side of the family.
:'''Daniel''': The only thing I get from my mom's side of the family is ''stressed out.''
:'''Steven''': ''[chuckles]'' Same...

===''Together Forever''===
:''[After Connie turns down Steven's proposal]''
:'''Steven''': I don't get it. Ruby and Sapphire said I should go for it.  
:'''Garnet''': You can't trust love advice from those two hopeless romantics.  
:'''Steven''': Then why didn't you stop me?  
:'''Garnet''': There was no future where you didn't propose to Connie.  
:'''Steven''': Of course...
:'''Garnet''': ''[hugs him]'' Your soulmate is your complement, not your missing piece. Ruby and Sapphire love being together, but they each have their own individual lives. Whatever hole there is in your life, Steven, I want you to understand that Connie-Stevonnie won't be able to fill it.

===''Growing Pains''===
:'''Priyanka''': Steven, do you remember anything bad in your childhood that particularly stuck with you?
:'''Steven''': I guess…I kind of freaked out when they [[w:Gem Glow|cancelled my favorite ice cream]]. And then I got attacked by a giant bug monster. And I got trapped in a bubble and almost drowned. I lost control of my body and turned into a blob of cats. I almost turned so old I died. Amethyst almost died. Pearl [[w:Steven the Sword Fighter|''did'' die]]. Garnet got destabilized right in front of me. I woke up with a black eye, [[w:Jail Break (Steven Universe)|imprisoned on a spaceship]]--
:'''Priyanka''': Steven, this is serious.
:'''Steven''': But that was just the early stuff.
:'''Priyanka''': I think all these experiences have been subjecting your body to a harmful amount of stress, and that's affecting your ability to respond to new forms of stress in a healthy way. You've been dealing with genuine threats from such a young age, your body is now responding to minor threats as if your life were in danger.
:'''Steven''': But, why am I only swelling up now?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Greg''': Come on, Steven, talk to me.
:'''Steven''': ''[tearing up]'' I... well... I, um... I proposed to Connie!
:'''Greg''': You what?!
:'''Steven''': She said no.
:'''Greg''': Oh, Steven...
:'''Steven''': My body... it's reacting like it's the end of the world. I think I've seen the world almost end so many times now that ''everything'' that goes wrong feels that... that extreme! I should be feeling so good these days! The Earth is safe, it's Era 3... But I'm swelling up over these third era problems! What do I do? How do I move on from all the stuff I've been through? How do I live life if it always feels like I'm about to die?!
:'''Greg''': It's gonna be all right, Stewball. I'm here for you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I guess I thought I could just follow Connie to college, like if we got married I'd know what to do with myself. But I'm the one that's gotta figure that stuff out.
:'''Greg''': Cut yourself some slack! It's okay to be worried and make some mistakes when you're figuring out what to do with your life. That's not unusual. Uh, well, the magic swelling is a little unusual, but that's okay too! If you want to be a giant boy, we can use the car wash as a shower.

=== ''Mr. Universe'' ===
:'''Steven''': I don't need this song! I need...I need what you had!
:'''Greg''': What?
:'''Steven''': I wish I could've grown up at a house like that.
:'''Greg''': No you don't!
:'''Steven''': Maybe your parents weren't so bad. Maybe they gave you curfews and chaperones and meatloaf f-for a reason!
:'''Greg''': Steven, you don't know what they were like!
:'''Steven''': They can't be worse then mom's family. I went halfway across the galaxy for them, and this was right here?!
:'''Greg''': Steven, I couldn't do anything growing up. Everything I liked, or wore, wanted was always wrong! Trust me, you're better off then I was.
:'''Steven''': I can't believe I never realized, you're... you're just like Mom! ''[turns pink as his grip tightens on the steering wheel]''
:'''Greg''': You grew up with actual freedom!
:'''Steven''': I grew up in a ''van!'' I never went to school! I've never been to the doctor until two days ago!
:'''Greg''': Steven! You're a gem! You're not like other kids!
:'''Steven''': I could have done all that stuff! My problem isn't that I'm a gem, my problem is that I'm a ''UNIVERSE!!''

===''Fragments''===
:'''Pearl''': How could this happen? You crashed the van with Greg inside? You know how fragile he is, these pink outbursts of yours are getting out of hand.
:'''Steven''': It's not an ''[turns pink]'' OUTBURST!
:'''Pearl''': See? This is exactly what I'm talking about! What's happening to you?
:'''Steven''': Nothing! ...It's nothing.
:'''Pearl''': S-Steven! Where are you going?! We're not pro- ''[Steven summons out a generated force field]'' Steven! Drop this wall!
:'''Steven''': Pearl, sorry. I'm trying- I just… need… some space, OK? I'll be in my room.
:'''Amethyst''': Not so fast, my dude. You gotta tell us what's going on.
:'''Garnet''': It looks like Steven is trying to avoid a serious discussion about this ''all'' together.
:'''Steven''': '''NO, I'M''' &lt;big&gt;'''NOT!!!'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[slams his fist into the stairs, unleashing a room-wrecking shockwave]''
:'''Garnet''': Steven, you have got to calm down and talk to us!
:'''Amethyst''': Just chill, man!
:'''Steven''': Nnghh…
:'''Pearl''': We need to do something about this before someone gets hurt!
:'''Steven''': NNGGHH…
:'''Garnet''': Don't let this power control you. You're better than this.
:'''Steven''': NNGGHH… &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; ''[notices the Gems are walking in slow-motion]'' I'm…speeding up again. I gotta get out of here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': This thing with my powers is a real problem!
:'''Jasper''': The only problem you have are your friends.
:'''Steven''': Huh?
:'''Jasper''': Can't you see they're holding you back?
:'''Steven''': What? No, they're-- they're just worried about me.
:'''Jasper''': They're afraid. Of your power.
:'''Steven''': Yeah... yeah, I guess so...
:'''Jasper''': You are too. You came all the way out here to hide from it. But ''I'm'' not here to hide. I don't stifle my anger or my power; I channel it into training!
:'''Steven''': Oh, right... this destroyed forest.
:'''Jasper''': I've got no one to serve, nowhere to go. All I have left is '''''POWER!''' [she punches a tree, completely smashing it apart]'' And in order to control that power, I have to ''use'' it. Those so-called &quot;friends&quot; of yours don't understand. They want you to feel bad for being yourself.
:'''Steven''': I ''do'' feel bad… ''[steps over to another tree and punches it, cringing in pain and remorse]''
:'''Jasper''': YEAH, DESTROY THAT WEAKLING TREE!
:'''Steven''': No! ''[kisses the tree, healing it and making grass sprout around it]''
:'''Jasper''': Ugh! Gross! That's disgusting! Bleh! No! The grass! ''[tears at it]'' Get outta here! ''[grabs Steven]'' Quit helping the local ecosystem recover!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[On Steven's new, more muscular form]''
:'''Jasper''': Hm. Not bad for three days of work. ''[Steven kisses one of his biceps]'' I didn't teach you that…

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jasper''': What are you holding back for?! You think I can't take it? I'm not gonna coddle you, Steven! Do you wanna go home to your gems?
:'''Steven''': No…
:'''Jasper''': Are you afraid to be strong? Are you pathetic? Are you ''weak?''
:'''Steven''': &lt;big&gt;'''''I'M NOT!!!!!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': You're right, Jasper. I ''have'' been holding back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Having shattered Jasper after losing control in their rematch, Steven hurries back to his bathroom and dips the fragments into Diamond aura potions]''
:'''Steven''': Please, please let this work! ''[crying]'' Jasper, I'm sorry. Please… come back. ''[his tears add Pink's aura to the mix]'' Please…
:''[After a while, Jasper's gem glows and heals, and she reforms]''
:'''Jasper''': ''[panting]'' Huh? What? You... ''shattered'' me?
:'''Steven''': Jasper! I-I'm so sorry, I should have stopped! I-I just wasn't thinking!  
:'''Jasper''': ''[steps out of the bathtub and bows on one knee]'' I bow to your strength… ''my Diamond.''  
:'''Steven''': ''[horrified]'' No...!

===''Homeworld Bound''===
:'''Pearl''': ''[knocks on the bathroom door]'' Steven?
:'''Amethyst''': What's going on in there? ''[Jasper emerges]'' Jasper?!
:'''Pearl''': What are you-?
:'''Amethyst''': Where's Steven?!
:'''Jasper''': Right here. ''[steps aside, revealing him looking scared and depressed]''
:'''Amethyst''': Steven? Where have you been?!
:''[Steven walks off upstairs to his conservatory]''
:'''Pearl''': You can't just disappear for days without telling us!
:'''Jasper''': My Diamond can do has he pleases.
:'''Amethyst''': Wait, what?!
:'''Pearl''': Why are you calling him that?!
:'''Garnet''': Steven!
:'''Pearl''': Where is he going?!
:''[The Gems follow Steven to his conservatory]''
:'''Pearl''': Steven, wait!
:'''Garnet''': You don't need to go.
:''[Steven turns pink and puts a barrier in front of the Gems as he sighs]''
:'''Amethyst''': What the HECK?!
:'''Steven''': You guys… I love you, but you ''can't'' help me anymore. I've been avoiding the only people in the entire universe who can. Please, don't follow me. You too, Jasper. Find something better to do with your life.
:'''Garnet''': Steven! Remember, we'll always be your family.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Spinel''': STEVEN! ''[grabs him and kisses him]''
:'''Steven''': ''[turning pink]'' Spinel, what is wrong with you?!
:'''Spinel''': Oh, y'know, the usual.
:'''Steven''': ''[turning back to normal]'' So, how've you been since, err...?
:'''Spinel''': Since I tried to kill you? That was so embarrassing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[controlling White Diamond]'' Whoa. This is… so weird. I'm-I'm, I'm a Diamond. This- This is the last thing I needed to see. I don't wanna be you! I don't wanna be anything like you! Why won't you just go '''AWAY?!''' ''[punches a pillar]'' Don't hurt me! She can't hurt me. I'm controlling her. So why am I so afraid? ''[flashes back to his memory of White pulling his gemstone out; scowls angrily]'' '''''She's''''' the one who should be afraid.
:'''White Diamond''': ''[talking in Steven's voice]'' What's- what's going on? ''[Steven starts controlling her like a puppet]'' What? No, stop it. I don't like this!
:'''Steven''': Too bad. ''[force controls White by walking toward a pillar]''
:'''White Diamond''': Let me go! ''[grabs hold of the pillar]'' Please! You're scaring me!
:'''Steven''': This is for EVERYTHING you put me through! ''[forces White Diamond’s head to slam into the pillar, in an attempt to shatter her gemstone, instead, snaps them out of it and hits his own head, allowing White Diamond to regain her control again]''
:'''White Diamond''': ''[breathing; horrified]'' What… what ''was'' that?!
:'''Steven''': I-I don't know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Spinel''': Hey, buddy, where you going?
:'''Steven''': Wait a second - ''you'' used to have vengeful thoughts!
:'''Spinel''': ''[awkwardly]'' Ooooh, yeah... but I don't get 'em anymore.
:'''Steven''': How did you make them stop?
:'''Spinel''': I met a little someone named Steven Universe! And he told me: ''[singing]'' [[w:Steven Universe: The Movie|IIIIII, I can make a chaaaaange! You can make a promise...]]
:'''Steven''': Gah! Don't give me my own advice!

===''Everything's Fine''===
:'''Steven''': Hey, Connie, what's up?
:'''Connie''': Steven! Good, you finally picked up! I can't believe we haven't spoken since the hospital. How are you?
:'''Steven''': I'm great! Never been better!
:'''Connie''': Really? Have you had any more issues with swelling and glowing pink?
:'''Steven''': Um... Nope? Well, maybe, but how about you? How's college prep?
:'''Connie''': Steven, that's, uh- It's fine, but what do you mean, maybe?
:'''Steven''': Look, there's nothing to worry about. I'm OK.
:'''Connie''': Steven...
:'''Steven''': I should go. I don't wanna wake up the Gems.
:'''Connie''': But they don't even sleep!
:'''Steven''': Uh, bye!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While trying to help in Bismuth's workshop]''
:'''Steven''': Ooh, look at that. Now you have ''two'' anvils.
:'''Bismuth''': Noooo! My anvil! My beautiful anvil!
:'''Steven''': Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, my work here is done. Well, toodles!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connie''': Steven!
:'''Steven''': Huh?
:'''Connie''': I knew it! You ''are'' swelling and glowing again. I've been trying to call you, but I came as soon as I saw this. ''[holds out her phone, on which Steven, glowing and swelled up, is doing the plant Steven's dance and looping the message &quot;Steven's here to help!&quot;]'' What is going on?
:'''Steven''': I... broadcast my subconscious sometimes these days. It's really no big deal.
:'''Connie''': Okay, but... I can tell something is bothering you. ''[holds out her phone again; the message makes some statics]''
:'''Steven''': Ah, I don't know what you're talking about. I'm fine! Awesome, in fact. Come on, you've seen me when I wasn't doing well.
:'''Greg''': Steven, if being like this is what you want, then we'll support you one hundred percent. Whatever makes you happy. But, if you're not happy, if something's wrong-
:'''Steven''': Nothing's wrong! Besides, I don't want you to worry.
:'''Connie''': We ''are'' worried!
:'''Greg''': Steven, you know you can tell us anything.
:'''Steven''': It's not that easy! You know what? I don't have to deal with this! ''[walks towards the door, but Amethyst, Pearl, and Connie block his way]''
:'''Amethyst''': Hold up, dude.
:'''Garnet''': Steven, you need to stop running.
:'''Greg''': Please.
:''[Steven starts groaning in frustration, his head briefly swelling out of shape]''
:'''Connie''': Steven, we should get you back to the hospital.
:'''Amethyst and Pearl''': HOSPITAL?!
:'''Pearl''': When were you in the hospital?!
:'''Connie''': You didn't tell them?!
:'''Steven''': 	''[becoming hysterical, starting to laugh uneasily]'' It wasn't that important, you guys! You're making a big deal out of nothing. Have I done some things wrong? Sure! I trashed the house today, I broke an anvil - what teenager hasn't? Dad and I had a little disagreement, but that's practically a rite of passage! I mean, it would be weird if we didn't, right? And ''maybe'' I've had a not-so-nice thought or two about, like, you know, slamming White Diamond's head through a pillar, but it's not like I actually went through with it! I only ''actually'' shattered Jasper!
:''[Pearl gasps in horrified shock]''
:'''Amethyst''': WHAT?!
:''[Garnet, Connie, and Greg gasp]''
:'''Connie''': You're- you're joking, right?
:'''Steven''': Oh, don't worry! I fixed that too! I can fix ''anything!'' I can just keep messing up and fixing things forever, and you'll never have to know or think about any of it!
:'''Garnet''': Steven...
:'''Steven''': ''[sighs as he finally loses it]'' How messed up is that? That I've gotten away with this for so long? You have ''no'' idea how bad I am! Y-You think I'm so great, and I'm so mature, and I always know what to do! But ''that's'' not true! I haven't learned a thing from my problems! They've all just made me worse! You all think of me as some angel, but I'm not that kid anymore! ''[close-up on his scowl]'' I'm a fraud. ''[falls to the floor as his breaths become shaky]'' I'm a fraud. I'm a MONSTER! ''[massive pink spikes burst out of his back, tearing his shirt with everyone taking  a step back, with plain terror]''

===''I Am My Monster''===
:'''Greg''': ''[calling out]'' Just calm down, son! Take deep breaths! Deep breaths!
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah! Relax, buddy!
:'''Peridot''': Let's hurry up and clobber that thing!
:'''Garnet''': Stand down.
:'''Peridot''': What for?!
:'''Lapis''': Where's Steven?
:'''Garnet''': That ''is'' Steven.
:'''Peridot, Bismuth, &amp; Lapis''': ''[shocked]'' '''WHAT?!'''
:''[Monster Steven bashes his head against the cliff of the temple, causing an avalanche of boulders to fall]''
:'''Garnet''': RUN!
:'''Amethyst''': He's not listening to us at all!
:'''Pearl''': What happened to him? First, he says he's a shatterer and then he's turned into this...''thing''!
:'''Connie''': We can change him back, can't we?
:'''Garnet''': As long as he believes he's a monster, he'll ''stay'' one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Spinel''': ''[jumps out of the Diamond ship, holding Steven's flip flop]'' You forgot your foot thong thingy! ''[sees Steven as a monster]'' OOOH, OH!
:''[The Diamonds walk out of the ship]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What is going on here?
:'''White Diamond''': Why is something like this ''always'' happening when we show up for a visit?
:'''Blue Diamond''': What is that thing?
:'''Garnet''': That &quot;thing&quot; is Steven.
:''[Blue, White Diamond, and Spinel gasp in shock]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': WHAT?!
:'''White Diamond''': Impossible!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Is he corrupted?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': But how?
:'''Garnet''': Never mind that. We have to change him back.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Leave it to me. ''[she catches Monster Steven's head in an energy aura and tries to shrink it down, only for it to revert back immediately, to her confusion]'' With my new power, I should be able to alter his physical form.
:'''Blue Diamond''': He's resisting. Maybe he needs to feel better first. I can help with that. ''[she sends a cloud of joy towards Monster Steven, but he blows it right back]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Look out! ''[the cloud hits her and Spinel, and they start laughing uncontrollably]'' Wow! Your new power didn't work either!
:'''White Diamond''': ''[pushes Yellow and Blue aside and approaches Monster Steven]'' Enough. I know exactly how to help. If I connect with him and he speaks through me, maybe we'll understand what he's going through. Now then, do you hear me, Steven? ''[her gem glows and the atmosphere's colors change]'' Just relax and let me in… Wait-- ''[her eyes glow, and she cries out and falls back as Yellow and Blue catch her]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': White!
:'''Blue Diamond''': What happened?!
:'''White Diamond''': ''[horrified]'' That's ''not'' Steven anymore!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': Guys, look! The Cluster is trying to hold Steven back!
:'''Peridot''': I can't believe it! He's even stronger than the Cluster!
:'''Bismuth''': Don't let your guard down. He could break free at any moment!
:'''Pearl''': Deep inside this…monster, Steven must be in there, so angry.
:'''Amethyst''': I knew something was going on. I- Why didn't I ''do'' something?!
:'''Sapphire''': ''[crying]'' If we don't get through to him, he'll stay like this ''forever!'' ''[starts sobbing along with Ruby while Lapis watches]''
:'''Amethyst''': ''[to Greg as he takes a few steps back]'' Dude, you should get outta here before you get hurt!
:'''Greg''': ''[stomps his foot]'' NO! Everytime Gem stuff happens, I run the other way! This is ''my'' son! And he's right to be angry, because I didn't protect him!
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[tearing up; crying]'' You didn't protect him from us! He's like this because of us!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[crying]'' ''We're'' the source of Steven's suffering!
:'''Spinel''': ''[breaks down, sobbing hysterically and blowing her nose into her pigtails]'' THIS IS ''MY'' FAULT!
:'''White Diamond''': ''[crying]'' Spinel, don't be silly. Everyone knows that all of this is because of ''me!''
:'''Spinel''': No, it's ME! I tried to wipe his friends' memories, so he would die alone on a barren world!
:'''White Diamond''': ''[crying and sobbing]'' That was because you were angry with Pink! And if Pink hurt you, it was because ''I'' hurt ''her!'' Like I hurt Yellow and Blue and Steven and everyone in the entire universe! This is all ''my'' fault!
:'''Connie''': YES, it is! ''[rides in on Lion]'' Yes, you hurt him, but this isn't the time to make this all about you! That is not helping! Maybe Steven would care how sad you are, because he always puts everyone else's feelings first! But he can't do that for you right now, because he needs ''us'' this time! We all have Steven when we needed him. But the only person who's never had Steven is Steven! He's ''always'' been there for us, so… how can we be there for him now?
:''[Ruby and Sapphire smile and fuse back into Garnet]''
:'''Garnet''': I know how. 
:''[Monster Steven breaks free of the Cluster's hand, defeats it and charges at the beach]''
:'''Garnet''': Okay! No time to waste. Yellow, make me as big as him!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Right.
:'''Garnet''': Blue, lift everyone up!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Of course.
:'''Garnet''': Everyone, get in line!
:'''Greg''': You got it!
:'''Garnet''': It's time to show Steven… some love.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': ''[hugging her arms tightly around Monster Steven while he's struggling; calmly]'' Steven, when I fell apart, you were there for me. I want to be there for ''you'' now. I'm here, Steven. I'm here.
:'''Lapis''': This is working? You hear us? Steven! ''[comes and hugs him]''
:''[Everyone comes in for the hug too]''
:'''Greg''': I'm here, Schtu-Ball! Whatever you need, I'll make it happen! You hear me?!
:'''Peridot''': Steven! You never gave up on me for some reasons I don't understand! I'll do the same for you!
:'''Amethyst''': I know you feel bad! Believe me, I get it! Sometimes it feels like you're never gonna like yourself but… it's possible, man!
:'''Pearl''': Steven, I know how awful it feels to keep a part of yourself secret! You shouldn't have to hide anything from me!
:''[Monster Steven stammers emotionally, and the Cluster's hand reappears and takes his]''
:'''Connie''': ''[jumps off Lion's head and lands on Monster Steven's nose, walks closer to his face and hugs him; sighs]'' Steven… you must have been ''so'' afraid to show us this side of yourself. But we're not going anywhere. We're all gonna take care of you the same way you took care of us. You know what? I don't have your powers, but… ''[kisses him with a pink droplet appearing]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[wakes up, back to his normal human-self, still crying]'' Huh? ''[looks and sees everyone smiling at him]'' Wha…I… Did-Did I-I'm- ''[Lion pops up and licks him; chuckling]'' Lion. ''[hugs Lion]'' Lion! ''[begins sobbing, letting out his emotions]''

===''The Future''===
:'''Jasper''': ''[bursts through the wall, staying aloof]'' Heard you’re leaving. ''[faces at Steven]'' I’m coming with you!
:'''Steven''': Jasper, I’m going ''alone.''
:'''Jasper''': Then who will protect you?!
:'''Steven''': I can protect myself.
:'''Jasper''': ''[sighs disappointingly, scowls]'' I know. ''[punches a hole in the ground and looks the opposite direction]'' Farewell, my Diamond. ''[headbutts the wall, creating another Jasper-shaped hole next to the previous one, walks through it]''
:'''Steven''': Whoa! Even Jasper's more upset than my own family! Maybe I need a round two?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Garnet''': I couldn't resist looking into your future. I peeked, and I saw a possibility that our tears would keep you from leaving. But I also saw many paths ahead of you, and we are a part of ''all'' of them. Wherever you end up, we will visit you to talk, to listen, to be there – whenever you need us. We love you, Steven.

==External links==
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[[Category:Steven Universe]]</text>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-26T14:57:33Z</timestamp>
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      <text bytes="48786" xml:space="preserve">----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]]
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{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Steven Universe Future|Steven Universe Future]]''''' (2019–2020) is an animated limited series produced by [[w:Cartoon Network|Cartoon Network]] as an epilogue for [[Steven Universe (season 5)|Season 5]] of ''[[Steven Universe]]'' and ''[[Steven Universe: The Movie]]''.

==Episodes==
===''Little Homeschool''===
:'''Steven''': ''[narrating]'' Life is a little different these days. The Diamonds have ended their reign of terror. The intergalactic war is over, and Earth is officially an independent planet. We're all safe to explore our dreams. Lars opened up his own pastry shop, and it's got a real cute space gimmick goin' on. Sadie's been touring with The Suspects, promoting their new album, and Connie has been getting a head start on college prep. She's two years away from applying, but she says it doesn't hurt to start early. And speaking of higher education, Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl and I have been cooking up a dream of our own!
:'''Cherry Quartz''': I have no idea who you're talking about.
:'''Steven''': ''[chuckling]'' Don't worry about it. You'll learn all that, and more, right here at Little Homeschool. ''[gives Cherry Quartz a tour around]'' Here at Little Homeschool, you have a chance to rediscover yourself and learn to live on Earth if you like. You can forge a new identity. Grow your own ideas. And even find your inner Morp!
:'''Cherry Quartz''': Wait, what's a &quot;Morp&quot;?
:'''Steven''': That's ''exactly'' the kind of question we love to hear!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': You know, half those Gems are soldiers who fought by your side before they were corrupted and turned into monsters. They're lost and confused and still a little messed up, but they're getting the help they need.
:'''Jasper''': So? Who cares?
:'''Steven''': ''[angrily]'' I do! And if I didn't care, you'd still be a monster too!
:'''Jasper''': And what? Now I owe you?
:'''Steven''': No!
:'''Jasper''': You think because you did something I never asked for, I'm going to ''obey'' you?
:'''Steven''': No! That's not--
:'''Jasper''': Like all the other Gems you ''use.''
:'''Steven''': ''[frustrated]'' AGGGHHH! I only came here because I felt bad for you, but all of this is your own fault! All the other Gems were corrupted by the Diamonds, but-- but you corrupted yourself just to win a fight! Which you ''LOST!'' To ''ME!'' No one's making you stay here all alone in the middle of nowhere, ready to fight a war that's been over for years! Are you just gonna sit here for centuries waiting for someone to give you a purpose?! ''Because I'm trying to give you one!''
:'''Jasper''': Listen, weakling! You might have Pink Diamond's gem, but you are ''not'' my Diamond, and I am ''not'' going to take orders from some weak, sappy, useless piece of dirt! If you think you're hard enough to tell me what to do, then fight me and prove it.
:'''Steven''': Fine!
:'''Jasper''': ''[suddenly smiles eagerly]'' Really? Huh, well then! Why don't you throw the first punch? ''[beckons tauntingly, and Steven punches her, pushing her back a few feet]'' Ooohh...! ''[laughs aggressively and charges back at him]''
:'''Steven''': I... guess we're doing this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[During his fight with Jasper, Steven bubbles a nest of baby birds to protect them]''
:'''Jasper''': Stop trying to help those tiny flapping Earthlings, and ''FIGHT ME!'' 
:'''Steven''': I'll never stop trying to help them, or you!
:'''Jasper''': ''[kicking his shield away and pinning him down]'' I don't need your help! ''You're'' the one that needs help! You think you've beaten me, but you've never beaten me on your own! You've always been a fusion! You've always had your friends! Because you're nothing without them! You think everyone needs help!
:'''Steven''': ''[tearing up]'' I-- I just--  
:'''Jasper''': But ''it's only you. No one'' is as '''''pitiful''''' as '''''you!'''''
:''[Shaken and angry, Steven starts to glow pink and pushes Jasper back with a sudden burst of strength, much to her surprise]''
:'''Steven''': ''[looking at himself]'' Whoa... what? ''[Jasper grins, and Steven angrily summons a bubble glove and charges at her with it]'' I'M... ''NOT''... PITIFUL! ''[sends her flying back through several trees]''
:'''Jasper''': ''[chuckles]'' Ha. Not bad. ''[continues to fight Steven, who catches her in the middle of a spin-dash]'' Nice catch.
:'''Steven''': You should see my ''THROW!'' ''[tosses her up into the air, where she laughs as he hits her several more times]'' STOP LAUGHING! ''[sends her slamming back down into the ground, then gasps in shock and returns to normal]'' Jasper...
:'''Jasper''': ''[gets up and shakes herself off, impressed]'' Huh. I didn't think you had it in you.  
:'''Steven''': I don't... I don't know what that was. I'm sorry.  
:'''Jasper''': ''[rolling her eyes]'' Ugh! Don't apologize.  
:'''Steven''': I... think I had you all wrong. Maybe you don't have something to learn from me. Maybe I have something to learn from you. ''[Jasper raises an eyebrow]'' Would you ever be interested in teaching?  
:'''Jasper''': ''[scoffs]'' Tssh! At your crummy little school?
:'''Steven''': No, just me. You brought something out of me I didn't know I had.  
:'''Jasper''': ''[walks up to Steven, placing a hand on his shoulder]'' Consider that fight back there your first and ''only'' lesson. ''[begins walking off]''  
:'''Steven''': Well... can I come back to see you sometime?  
:'''Jasper''': Do what you want.

===''Guidance''===
:'''Larimar''': What is this wonderful noise?  
:'''Steven''': Those are the joyful screams of people on a roller coaster.  
:'''Larimar''': Human screams are my favorite of the Earth's delights. I want to hear the human screams forever.
:'''Steven''': Okay, that's kind of troubling. But your heart is in the right place.
:'''Larimar''': One day, I'll make ''you'' scream, Steven.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Larimar''': I just wanted to say thanks for the amusement park job. I'm not great at the roller-coaster operation, we know, but I found out I'm good at handing out prizes to children, and I love their laughter.
:'''Steven''': Aww.
:'''Larimar''': It sounds just like screaming.

===''Rose Buds''===
:'''Holly Blue Agate''': Stop relaxing and get back to your posts! Ugh! How can you stand this total lack of order?
:'''Amethyst Guard''': Chill out, Holly Blue. You know you want to.
:'''Holly Blue Agate''' I give up. No one answers to me, and I answer to no one. I'd give anything for an order from the Diamonds, but all they talk about is Steven, Steven, Steven -- Steven!
:'''Steven''': Hi, Holly.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[seeing all of the Rose Quartzes being un-bubbled]'' So... Many... Rose Quartzes. How did the--
:'''Superfan Rose''': Oh, now that it's Era 3, we were all unbubbled, so now, we're making up for lost time. Hi! I'm Rose Quartz, and you, you're Steven! You are so much smaller than I imagined! Is it because you're half organic? Can you believe it, Rose Quartz?!
:'''Hippie Rose''': It's like, we where bubbled, but now we're like, not bubbled.
:'''Steven''': Th-It's really-- It's really great.

===''Volleyball''===
:'''Steven''': So, how would you like your magical spit administered today?
:'''Ruby bodyguard''': Ah, geez, uh... the ''not'' kissing one?
:'''Steven''': You got it! ''[licks his palm and applies healing spit onto the Ruby's gem, healing the crack]'' Man, what kind of enemies does the mayor have to keep you landing in my office?
:'''Ruby bodyguard''': That's classified information, nurse-citizen Universe.
:'''Steven''': Okay, well, try not to classify too hard out there. Oh, don't forget your lollipop!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[On Pink Pearl's cracked face]''
:'''Pearl''': How could White be so careless?  
:'''Pink Pearl''': ''[chuckling]'' Oh, no, Pearl. You've got it all wrong. Pink did this.
:'''Pearl''': ''[shocked]'' What did you say? ''[approaches her]'' 
:'''Steven''': Pearl, no...!  
:'''Pink Pearl''': It's a funny story, really. Once, Pink got tired of asking Yellow and Blue for her own colony, so she went straight to White. Of course, White told her she wasn't fit to run one, and, well, that set her off. 
:'''Pearl''': &quot;Set her off&quot;? What are you talking about?  
:'''Pink Pearl''': You remember how she was, with her destructive powers, throwing tantrums left and right. She had a scream that could crack the walls. She didn't mean to hurt me. ''[chuckles]'' I just happened to be standing too close to her that time, and--  
:'''Steven''': ''[covering his ears anxiously]'' Doesn't matter! I'm gonna fix it!  
:'''Pearl''': Destructive powers?! Pink didn't have destructive powers, she was a healer! She didn't throw tantrums, she kept her feelings secret!
:'''Pink Pearl''': The Pink I knew couldn't keep a secret to save her gem.  
:'''Pearl''': Are you kidding?! If anything, she was ''too'' good at keeping secrets, even from me!
:''[Frustrated by their arguing, Steven furiously snaps and starts glowing pink]''
:'''Steven''': ''[lividly]'' ''STOP IT!'' I CAN'T DEAL WITH ''ONE MORE'' HORRIBLE THING SHE DID, OKAY?! ''[Both Pearls gasp]'' I DON'T WANNA HEAR ABOUT IT, I DON'T EVEN WANNA ''THINK'' ABOUT IT!
:'''Pearl''': Steven!
:'''Steven''': I JUST WANT TO '''''FIX IT!!!'''''
:''[Steven unleashes a shockwave that causes cracks around the room. Pink Pearl cowers in fear, and Steven looks at his own reflection in shock and remorse]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': I'm sorry for not believing you. It looks like I'm still making excuses for her. 
:'''Pink Pearl''': ''[tearfully]'' Is that what ''I've'' been doing?! But... she didn't mean to! 
:'''Pearl''': But you were hurt! Badly hurt! 
:'''Pink Pearl''': I was badly hurt... How did ''you'' stop hurting? 
:'''Pearl''': ''[embraces her tightly]'' I didn't.
:''[Pink Pearl returns the hug, and they fuse into Mega Pearl]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I'm so sorry. The whole trip was for nothing. 
:'''Mega Pearl''': No, it wasn't for nothing. Your mother's Pearls never had the whole picture. One knew your mother was trying to change, but she couldn't understand why. The other never expected her to change at all. Now, I get to understand everything. Now, they finally get to have each other.
:''[She separates into the two Pearls, peacefully holding hands]''

===''Bluebird''===
:'''Steven''': Tsk, tsk, tsk. You guys fused just because you hate me, didn't you?
:'''Aquamarine and &quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': Yes!
:'''Steven Universe''': If that's the only reason, then it's no wonder you can't keep it together.
:'''Aquamarine''': What are you talking about?
:'''Steven Universe''': There are so many other reasons to fuse, like friendship and responsibility and... and love. Imagine how much better it would feel to fuse to support each other, instead of tearing someone down. Your life would fill with warmth and friendship and joy and love and--
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': ''[covering her ears]'' Wowie, wow! He is ''so'' annoying!
:'''Aquamarine''': I hate him so much!
:'''Aquamarine and &quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': I know! Me too! ''[they fuse back into Bluebird Azurite]''
:'''Steven''': Are you kidding me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I'm really sorry, Dad. I never should have given Bluebird a chance.
:'''Greg''': I love how you believe in everyone. You stuck to your principles, and I'm proud of you. I mean, everyone can change, but not everyone wants to.

===''A Very Special Episode''===
:''[Rainbow Quartz 2.0 unfuses and Steven answers the call]''
:'''Garnet''': Steven, you're late. I need you for the Sunstone safety geminar.
:'''Steven''': Oh, no, that was today? But, Rainbow Quartz promised to hang out with Onion to-
:'''Garnet''': Don't worry, ''I'll'' handle the geminar. I'll explain to them every possible future where they get hurt in this house.
:'''Steven''': I don't know if that's a good idea. I'll be right there.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ocean Jasper''': I slip on the stairs?
:'''Garnet''': Yes. You shatter on impact.
:''[Ocean Jasper and a Nephrite scream]''
:'''Steven''': ''[enters through the door]'' Garnet, I'm here.
:'''Garnet''': Steven, help. I think I'm scaring them.
:'''Steven''': It's okay. We got this. Let's get this safety Geminar started with a very special guest speaker.
:''[They both fuse into Sunstone]''
:'''Sunstone''': Your rockin' pal Sunstone's here to shine.
:'''Ocean Jasper''': Watch out, Sunstone. It's dangerous in here.
:'''Sunstone''': Not if you practice home safety. Don't slip up. Clear objects off the stairs. Foul shot! Make sure you cover your trash, or you might attract wild animals. Come on. Let's go! Don't leave the water running, it could flood your house. Put protective covers on electrical outlets, especially when kids are around. And most importantly, turn off motion smoothing on your TV.
:'''Ocean Jasper''': Wow, everything looks so much better!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Steven receives a call from Pearl, who he left to take care of Onion]''
:'''Steven''': ''[exhausted]'' Please, please have everything under control...  
:'''Pearl''': STEVEN! EVERYTHING IS OUT OF CONTROL!
:'''Steven''': Yup...
:'''Pearl''': It's getting really weird here! Steven, you were never like this, you were such a good kid! I'm so sorry I never told you that! Aah! I... I can hear him, but I can't see him! I think he's in the walls! I don't know how he got there, and I don't know how to get him out! ''[call ends]''
:'''Steven''': ''[long gasp]'' Garnet, can you handle things on your own for a little bit?  
:'''Garnet''': No problem. Our students love me. ''[walks over to them]'' Let me tell you all the ways you can get hit by a car.  
:'''Steven''': Agh, Garnet! Forget it. I'll stay. I'll stay!  
:'''Pearl''': ''[in another call]'' STEVEN, THERE'S A SNAKE!
:'''Steven''': Never mind!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rainbow Quartz 2.0''': Why play with sharp objects when you can play with my sharp wit? Crack jokes, not cookie jars, as I always say. Ha ha!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': It's important to keep in mind that all these horrible things ''did'' happen to you in alternate timelines. Safety is fun.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Onion has led Garnet's students off a cliff]''
:'''Pearl''': Oh, no!
:'''Garnet''': Steven, quick! Sunstone can save them!
:'''Steven''': Okay... ''[they fuse into Sunstone]'' 
:'''Sunstone''': Oh, yeah!
:'''Pearl''': No! Let Rainbow save them! ''[fuses with Steven]''  
:'''Rainbow Quartz 2.0''': ''[showing his umbrella]'' I'll catch them with this!  
:'''Amethyst''': ''[rushing in]'' Hey, wait! ''I'' need Steven!
:'''Steven''' ''[unfuses from Pearl]'' What is it, Amethyst?  
:'''Amethyst''': I just miss you, man! I haven't seen you for, like, eleven minutes!

===''Snow Day''===
:'''Amethyst''': ''[enters with fried eggs for eyes]'' You really gonna skip the most egg-ssential meal of the day?
:'''Steven''': Of course not. I've got all my morning nutrients in this protein shake.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[pokes yolk to leak]'' Dude, you're making me sad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': Man, you had a better work-life balance when the Diamonds were trying to destroy the planet.
:'''Steven''': That was then. This is now.
:'''Amethyst''': Hey, you know what we haven't done in a long time? ''[shapeshifts into 14-year-old Steven]'' Steven Tag!
:'''Steven''': Amethyst, what the heck?!
:'''Amethyst''': You know the rules, buster. You get tagged, you have to turn into Steven.
:'''Steven''': But I'm already Steven!
:'''Amethyst''': Nah, bruh. ''Classic'' Steven.
:'''Steven''': ''Classic Steven?''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Pearl gets tagged in Garnet and Amethyst's new game of Steven Tag]''
:'''Steven''': Ha! Joke's on you! Pearl doesn't shapeshift! ''[Pearl starts to glow]'' Huh?
:'''Pearl''': ''[shapeshifts into Steven]'' The power of Steven Tag COMPELS ME!
:'''Steven''': ''[chuckles]'' Wow. Good for her.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': It was a snowman… ''[takes off her visor]'' with Steven's jacket. NOOOOOO!
:'''Steven''': ''[shivering]'' They'll never stop until they make me play.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I really didn't want to do this, but you leave me no choice. I ''JOIN'' THE GAME!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': You shouldn't have messed with me. Huh? ''[gets tagged by Sapphire]''
:'''Sapphire''': Tag.
:'''Steven''': ''[falls off the lighthouse]'' Oh, no. Is this the end of my adult life?

===''Why So Blue?''===
:'''Steven''' You're right. This is harder than usual.  
:'''Lapis''': You've just got to force them to stop. This is going to be a fight. They're not nice like me.  
:'''Steven''': Umm...  
:'''Lapis''': Exactly.  
:'''Steven''': They just don't understand that they're doing harm. Y-you get it. What made it click for you?  
:'''Lapis''': ''A cycle of horrible torture.'' ''[smiling]'' But other than that, living in nature, getting creative.
:'''Steven''': Yeah! Come on, we can do that for them.  
:'''Lapis''': Okay. Just a little torture.  
:'''Steven''': N-no, just the other stuff. 
:'''Lapis''': ''[sighs]'' Fine, we'll try it your way.
:''[They head back to the two Lapis Lazulis]'' 
:'''Steven''': Hey, so, why don't we explore the many things that you can do that don't involve destroying worlds?  
:'''&quot;Mean&quot; Lapis''': Should we listen to him?  
:'''&quot;Nice&quot; Lapis''': He is half-Diamond. Maybe, we should half-listen.  
:'''Steven''': I'll take that as a &quot;yes.&quot; Let's go. 

===''Little Graduation''===
:'''Lars''': ''[about Shep]'' Say hi to them for me.

===''Prickly Pair''===
:'''Cactus Steven''': I can't tell Pearl how I feel, 'cause she'd blame herself! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cactus Steven''': I can't hear any more high and mighty advice from Garnet! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cactus Steven''': I'm so sick of Amethyst acting like she's so mature now!
:'''Amethyst''': Why's it being so weirdly specific?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': Hey, dude?
:'''Pearl''': Is there anything you need to talk about?
:'''Steven''': ''[softly]'' ... I think I've said enough.

===''In Dreams''===
:''[After Steven and Peridot have watched the'' Camp Pining Hearts ''reboot]''
:'''Steven''': Wha…? Wha…?!
:'''Steven and Peridot''': '''''WHAT HAVE THEY DONE?!?!?'''''  
:'''Peridot''': What is with this Rodrigo guy?! He has no charisma!  
:'''Steven''': And can we talk about this cinematography?!  
:'''Peridot''': GAAAH, THEY'VE CHANGED ''ALL'' THE CHARACTERS, AND I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THEM! ''[grabs the television]'' HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?! ''[sobs] Camp Pining Hearts'' helped me escape when everything around me was in chaos...  
:'''Steven''': ''CPH'' brought us together... 
:'''Peridot''': And now, LOOK AT THIS NIGHTMARE! ''[the TV suddenly shows Steven's dream]'' Steven?! You didn't tell me that they cast you!  
:'''Steven''': What?! They didn't. I-Is this... my dream from last night? ''[on the TV, after Steven falls and the dream ends, it goes back to'' Camp Pining Hearts ''again]'' Whoa! My- My powers must be interfering with the TV signal!  
:'''Peridot''': ''[delighted]'' Steven! Do you know what this means?!  
:'''Steven''': I have to start wearing a tinfoil hat?  
:'''Peridot''': No! It means that if we can put your dreams on the television, we can reboot the reboot!  
:'''Steven''': &quot;Reboot the...?&quot; Peridot, you're a genius!  
:'''Peridot''': I know.
:'''Steven''': And, well, it might be fun to fix something that isn't the entire universe.  
:'''Peridot''': ''[grabs him with one arm]'' This is going to be the beginning of Peridot and Steven Productions!  
:'''Steven''': Yeah-- whoa! ''[topples onto her]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': Peridot! We've always had something to fix together - the Cluster, the Diamonds, or Spinel! I don't think I know how to be a friend without something to fix! But I... I just can't do it anymore! I'm so tired... Now I'm even doing it in my dreams! I'm sorry, I can't do this for you. Please don't leave! Don't... leave!
:''[The dream stops, in the manner of a TV turning off; Steven awakens, in tears, to Peridot's concerned voice]''
:'''Peridot''': Steven? Steven! STEVEN! Steven, I saw everything! It's-- It's fine! We don't have to do this anymore. ''[hugs him and starts tearing up]'' I don't care about the show, and I ''definitely'' don't care about Rodrigo! Hrrrgh, I'm such a clod!
:'''Steven''': But I really wanted to spend time with you! I just... wanted an excuse to hang out.
:'''Peridot''': We don't need an excuse to hang out.
:'''Steven''': Can... we still watch ''CPH'' together? Even if it sucks?
:'''Peridot''': ''[removes her visor to wipe her eyes, and smiles]'' Of course.
:''[Later, they watch the show]''
:'''Jasmine''': ''[in the show, angrily]'' How could you lie to me like that, Rodrigo?! I guess you just can't help being a bad person!
:''[Steven and Peridot laugh]''
:'''Peridot''': Jasmine, you just ''buried a body in the woods'', and now you're mad that Rodrigo cheated at ''cards?!''
:''[They laugh again]''
:'''Peridot''': This show is the worst!
:'''Steven''': ''[smiling warmly at her]'' This show is the best.

===''Bismuth Casual''===
:''[At the Starlight Roller Rink]''
:'''Bismuth''': Woooow! So you mean to tell me people pay to have wheels strapped to their feet for fun? That is really something else.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Patricia''': You should have seen Daniel earlier. He was all bent out of shape 'cos his mom tore into him over his last test scores!
:'''Daniel''': ''[groans]'' You know, I kind of forgot about it for a sec.
:'''Steven''': Heh... I know how that is. One time, White Diamond tore into me... literally! ''[laughs awkwardly]'' She, uh, she took my gem - I'm part Gem, by the way - she pulled it right out of my body.
:'''Daniel''': Okay...?
:'''Patricia''': So what grade are you in, Steven?
:'''Steven''': Grade? Err, uh... sixteen?
:'''Patricia''': ''[laughs]''
:'''Daniel''': So you're taking AP classes?
:'''Steven''': Uh...
:'''Connie''': Y'all ready to skate?
:'''Patricia''': Heck, yeah!
:''[Connie, Patricia and Daniel skate away]''
:'''Steven''': I really blew that one. Bet if they were enemy Gems, we'd be best friends by now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Pearl forms a roll of toilet paper from her gem and gives it to Bismuth]''
:'''Pearl''': Oh, here, take this. Every human has at least one of these in their homes. Sometimes they even use it ''[secretively]'' for vandalism! Good luck out there! ''[starts skating away]''
:'''Bismuth''': Wait, where are you going?
:'''Pearl''': You don't need me anymore, Bismuth - the humans already love you! I'm going to make some new connections of my own! ''[to a random skater]'' Hello, fellow skater! Would you like a fresh roll? ''[forms another roll]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': When Connie and I were fighting to save the universe, things were sort of easier. We were fighting the same fight. Now it's like we're living different lives. I wonder if I'm even her best friend anymore...
:'''Bismuth''': ''[pounds the table firmly]'' How long has this been going on?
:'''Steven''': Err... couple of months.
:'''Bismuth''': Listen, Steven. Pearl brought me here to set me up with her friends, but Connie came here to be with ''you.'' You've got nothing to mope about.
:'''Steven''': But her friends think I'm weird.
:'''Bismuth''': Of course you're weird! You're a Crystal Gem! Connie knows that, she's always known that! That never stopped you from being friends!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Steven collapses in the rink]''
:'''Connie''': Steven! Are you okay?
:'''Steven''': Connie, I'm sorry... I don't wanna hold you back.
:'''Connie''': I don't mind.
:'''Steven''': You've got school, new friends, you're going places and... I'm happy for you. But I feel like you're drifting away from me. I wish we could reconnect, but... BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SKATE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Steven and Connie win the skating contest as Stevonnie]''
:'''Patricia''': Steven, Connie, that was amazing!
:'''Daniel''': What the heck was that out there?
:'''Connie''': Oh, fusion? Yeah, that's kind of our thing.
:'''Steven''': It's something I picked up from my mom's side of the family.
:'''Daniel''': The only thing I get from my mom's side of the family is ''stressed out.''
:'''Steven''': ''[chuckles]'' Same...

===''Together Forever''===
:''[After Connie turns down Steven's proposal]''
:'''Steven''': I don't get it. Ruby and Sapphire said I should go for it.  
:'''Garnet''': You can't trust love advice from those two hopeless romantics.  
:'''Steven''': Then why didn't you stop me?  
:'''Garnet''': There was no future where you didn't propose to Connie.  
:'''Steven''': Of course...
:'''Garnet''': ''[hugs him]'' Your soulmate is your complement, not your missing piece. Ruby and Sapphire love being together, but they each have their own individual lives. Whatever hole there is in your life, Steven, I want you to understand that Connie-Stevonnie won't be able to fill it.

===''Growing Pains''===
:'''Priyanka''': Steven, do you remember anything bad in your childhood that particularly stuck with you?
:'''Steven''': I guess…I kind of freaked out when they [[w:Gem Glow|cancelled my favorite ice cream]]. And then I got attacked by a giant bug monster. And I got trapped in a bubble and almost drowned. I lost control of my body and turned into a blob of cats. I almost turned so old I died. Amethyst almost died. Pearl [[w:Steven the Sword Fighter|''did'' die]]. Garnet got destabilized right in front of me. I woke up with a black eye, [[w:Jail Break (Steven Universe)|imprisoned on a spaceship]]--
:'''Priyanka''': Steven, this is serious.
:'''Steven''': But that was just the early stuff.
:'''Priyanka''': I think all these experiences have been subjecting your body to a harmful amount of stress, and that's affecting your ability to respond to new forms of stress in a healthy way. You've been dealing with genuine threats from such a young age, your body is now responding to minor threats as if your life were in danger.
:'''Steven''': But, why am I only swelling up now?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Greg''': Come on, Steven, talk to me.
:'''Steven''': ''[tearing up]'' I... well... I, um... I proposed to Connie!
:'''Greg''': You what?!
:'''Steven''': She said no.
:'''Greg''': Oh, Steven...
:'''Steven''': My body... it's reacting like it's the end of the world. I think I've seen the world almost end so many times now that ''everything'' that goes wrong feels that... that extreme! I should be feeling so good these days! The Earth is safe, it's Era 3... But I'm swelling up over these third era problems! What do I do? How do I move on from all the stuff I've been through? How do I live life if it always feels like I'm about to die?!
:'''Greg''': It's gonna be all right, Stewball. I'm here for you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I guess I thought I could just follow Connie to college, like if we got married I'd know what to do with myself. But I'm the one that's gotta figure that stuff out.
:'''Greg''': Cut yourself some slack! It's okay to be worried and make some mistakes when you're figuring out what to do with your life. That's not unusual. Uh, well, the magic swelling is a little unusual, but that's okay too! If you want to be a giant boy, we can use the car wash as a shower.

=== ''Mr. Universe'' ===
:'''Steven''': I don't need this song! I need...I need what you had!
:'''Greg''': What?
:'''Steven''': I wish I could've grown up at a house like that.
:'''Greg''': No you don't!
:'''Steven''': Maybe your parents weren't so bad. Maybe they gave you curfews and chaperones and meatloaf f-for a reason!
:'''Greg''': Steven, you don't know what they were like!
:'''Steven''': They can't be worse then mom's family. I went halfway across the galaxy for them, and this was right here?!
:'''Greg''': Steven, I couldn't do anything growing up. Everything I liked, or wore, wanted was always wrong! Trust me, you're better off then I was.
:'''Steven''': I can't believe I never realized, you're... you're just like Mom! ''[turns pink as his grip tightens on the steering wheel]''
:'''Greg''': You grew up with actual freedom!
:'''Steven''': I grew up in a ''van!'' I never went to school! I've never been to the doctor until two days ago!
:'''Greg''': Steven! You're a gem! You're not like other kids!
:'''Steven''': I could have done all that stuff! My problem isn't that I'm a gem, my problem is that I'm a ''UNIVERSE!!''

===''Fragments''===
:'''Pearl''': How could this happen? You crashed the van with Greg inside? You know how fragile he is, these pink outbursts of yours are getting out of hand.
:'''Steven''': It's not an ''[turns pink]'' OUTBURST!
:'''Pearl''': See? This is exactly what I'm talking about! What's happening to you?
:'''Steven''': Nothing! ...It's nothing.
:'''Pearl''': S-Steven! Where are you going?! We're not pro- ''[Steven summons out a generated force field]'' Steven! Drop this wall!
:'''Steven''': Pearl, sorry. I'm trying- I just… need… some space, OK? I'll be in my room.
:'''Amethyst''': Not so fast, my dude. You gotta tell us what's going on.
:'''Garnet''': It looks like Steven is trying to avoid a serious discussion about this ''all'' together.
:'''Steven''': '''NO, I'M''' &lt;big&gt;'''NOT!!!'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[slams his fist into the stairs, unleashing a room-wrecking shockwave]''
:'''Garnet''': Steven, you have got to calm down and talk to us!
:'''Amethyst''': Just chill, man!
:'''Steven''': Nnghh…
:'''Pearl''': We need to do something about this before someone gets hurt!
:'''Steven''': NNGGHH…
:'''Garnet''': Don't let this power control you. You're better than this.
:'''Steven''': NNGGHH… &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; ''[notices the Gems are walking in slow-motion]'' I'm…speeding up again. I gotta get out of here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': This thing with my powers is a real problem!
:'''Jasper''': The only problem you have are your friends.
:'''Steven''': Huh?
:'''Jasper''': Can't you see they're holding you back?
:'''Steven''': What? No, they're-- they're just worried about me.
:'''Jasper''': They're afraid. Of your power.
:'''Steven''': Yeah... yeah, I guess so...
:'''Jasper''': You are too. You came all the way out here to hide from it. But ''I'm'' not here to hide. I don't stifle my anger or my power; I channel it into training!
:'''Steven''': Oh, right... this destroyed forest.
:'''Jasper''': I've got no one to serve, nowhere to go. All I have left is '''''POWER!''' [she punches a tree, completely smashing it apart]'' And in order to control that power, I have to ''use'' it. Those so-called &quot;friends&quot; of yours don't understand. They want you to feel bad for being yourself.
:'''Steven''': I ''do'' feel bad… ''[steps over to another tree and punches it, cringing in pain and remorse]''
:'''Jasper''': YEAH, DESTROY THAT WEAKLING TREE!
:'''Steven''': No! ''[kisses the tree, healing it and making grass sprout around it]''
:'''Jasper''': Ugh! Gross! That's disgusting! Bleh! No! The grass! ''[tears at it]'' Get outta here! ''[grabs Steven]'' Quit helping the local ecosystem recover!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[On Steven's new, more muscular form]''
:'''Jasper''': Hm. Not bad for three days of work. ''[Steven kisses one of his biceps]'' I didn't teach you that…

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jasper''': What are you holding back for?! You think I can't take it? I'm not gonna coddle you, Steven! Do you wanna go home to your gems?
:'''Steven''': No…
:'''Jasper''': Are you afraid to be strong? Are you pathetic? Are you ''weak?''
:'''Steven''': &lt;big&gt;'''''I'M NOT!!!!!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': You're right, Jasper. I ''have'' been holding back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Having shattered Jasper after losing control in their rematch, Steven hurries back to his bathroom and dips the fragments into Diamond aura potions]''
:'''Steven''': Please, please let this work! ''[crying]'' Jasper, I'm sorry. Please… come back. ''[his tears add Pink's aura to the mix]'' Please…
:''[After a while, Jasper's gem glows and heals, and she reforms]''
:'''Jasper''': ''[panting]'' Huh? What? You... ''shattered'' me?
:'''Steven''': Jasper! I-I'm so sorry, I should have stopped! I-I just wasn't thinking!  
:'''Jasper''': ''[steps out of the bathtub and bows on one knee]'' I bow to your strength… ''my Diamond.''  
:'''Steven''': ''[horrified]'' No...!

===''Homeworld Bound''===
:'''Pearl''': ''[knocks on the bathroom door]'' Steven?
:'''Amethyst''': What's going on in there? ''[Jasper emerges]'' Jasper?!
:'''Pearl''': What are you-?
:'''Amethyst''': Where's Steven?!
:'''Jasper''': Right here. ''[steps aside, revealing him looking scared and depressed]''
:'''Amethyst''': Steven? Where have you been?!
:''[Steven walks off upstairs to his conservatory]''
:'''Pearl''': You can't just disappear for days without telling us!
:'''Jasper''': My Diamond can do has he pleases.
:'''Amethyst''': Wait, what?!
:'''Pearl''': Why are you calling him that?!
:'''Garnet''': Steven!
:'''Pearl''': Where is he going?!
:''[The Gems follow Steven to his conservatory]''
:'''Pearl''': Steven, wait!
:'''Garnet''': You don't need to go.
:''[Steven turns pink and puts a barrier in front of the Gems as he sighs]''
:'''Amethyst''': What the HECK?!
:'''Steven''': You guys… I love you, but you ''can't'' help me anymore. I've been avoiding the only people in the entire universe who can. Please, don't follow me. You too, Jasper. Find something better to do with your life.
:'''Garnet''': Steven! Remember, we'll always be your family.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Spinel''': STEVEN! ''[grabs him and kisses him]''
:'''Steven''': ''[turning pink]'' Spinel, what is wrong with you?!
:'''Spinel''': Oh, y'know, the usual.
:'''Steven''': ''[turning back to normal]'' So, how've you been since, err...?
:'''Spinel''': Since I tried to kill you? That was so embarrassing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[controlling White Diamond]'' Whoa. This is… so weird. I'm-I'm, I'm a Diamond. This- This is the last thing I needed to see. I don't wanna be you! I don't wanna be anything like you! Why won't you just go '''AWAY?!''' ''[punches a pillar]'' Don't hurt me! She can't hurt me. I'm controlling her. So why am I so afraid? ''[flashes back to his memory of White pulling his gemstone out; scowls angrily]'' '''''She's''''' the one who should be afraid.
:'''White Diamond''': ''[talking in Steven's voice]'' What's- what's going on? ''[Steven starts controlling her like a puppet]'' What? No, stop it. I don't like this!
:'''Steven''': Too bad. ''[force controls White by walking toward a pillar]''
:'''White Diamond''': Let me go! ''[grabs hold of the pillar]'' Please! You're scaring me!
:'''Steven''': This is for EVERYTHING you put me through! ''[forces White Diamond’s head to slam into the pillar, in an attempt to shatter her gemstone, instead, snaps them out of it and hits his own head, allowing White Diamond to regain her control again]''
:'''White Diamond''': ''[breathing; horrified]'' What… what ''was'' that?!
:'''Steven''': I-I don't know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Spinel''': Hey, buddy, where you going?
:'''Steven''': Wait a second - ''you'' used to have vengeful thoughts!
:'''Spinel''': ''[awkwardly]'' Ooooh, yeah... but I don't get 'em anymore.
:'''Steven''': How did you make them stop?
:'''Spinel''': I met a little someone named Steven Universe! And he told me: ''[singing]'' [[w:Steven Universe: The Movie|IIIIII, I can make a chaaaaange! You can make a promise...]]
:'''Steven''': Gah! Don't give me my own advice!

===''Everything's Fine''===
:'''Steven''': Hey, Connie, what's up?
:'''Connie''': Steven! Good, you finally picked up! I can't believe we haven't spoken since the hospital. How are you?
:'''Steven''': I'm great! Never been better!
:'''Connie''': Really? Have you had any more issues with swelling and glowing pink?
:'''Steven''': Um... Nope? Well, maybe, but how about you? How's college prep?
:'''Connie''': Steven, that's, uh- It's fine, but what do you mean, maybe?
:'''Steven''': Look, there's nothing to worry about. I'm OK.
:'''Connie''': Steven...
:'''Steven''': I should go. I don't wanna wake up the Gems.
:'''Connie''': But they don't even sleep!
:'''Steven''': Uh, bye!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While trying to help in Bismuth's workshop]''
:'''Steven''': Ooh, look at that. Now you have ''two'' anvils.
:'''Bismuth''': Noooo! My anvil! My beautiful anvil!
:'''Steven''': Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, my work here is done. Well, toodles!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connie''': Steven!
:'''Steven''': Huh?
:'''Connie''': I knew it! You ''are'' swelling and glowing again. I've been trying to call you, but I came as soon as I saw this. ''[holds out her phone, on which Steven, glowing and swelled up, is doing the plant Steven's dance and looping the message &quot;Steven's here to help!&quot;]'' What is going on?
:'''Steven''': I... broadcast my subconscious sometimes these days. It's really no big deal.
:'''Connie''': Okay, but... I can tell something is bothering you. ''[holds out her phone again; the message makes some statics]''
:'''Steven''': Ah, I don't know what you're talking about. I'm fine! Awesome, in fact. Come on, you've seen me when I wasn't doing well.
:'''Greg''': Steven, if being like this is what you want, then we'll support you one hundred percent. Whatever makes you happy. But, if you're not happy, if something's wrong-
:'''Steven''': Nothing's wrong! Besides, I don't want you to worry.
:'''Connie''': We ''are'' worried!
:'''Greg''': Steven, you know you can tell us anything.
:'''Steven''': It's not that easy! You know what? I don't have to deal with this! ''[walks towards the door, but Amethyst, Pearl, and Connie block his way]''
:'''Amethyst''': Hold up, dude.
:'''Garnet''': Steven, you need to stop running.
:'''Greg''': Please.
:''[Steven starts groaning in frustration, his head briefly swelling out of shape]''
:'''Connie''': Steven, we should get you back to the hospital.
:'''Amethyst and Pearl''': HOSPITAL?!
:'''Pearl''': When were you in the hospital?!
:'''Connie''': You didn't tell them?!
:'''Steven''': 	''[becoming hysterical, starting to laugh uneasily]'' It wasn't that important, you guys! You're making a big deal out of nothing. Have I done some things wrong? Sure! I trashed the house today, I broke an anvil - what teenager hasn't? Dad and I had a little disagreement, but that's practically a rite of passage! I mean, it would be weird if we didn't, right? And ''maybe'' I've had a not-so-nice thought or two about, like, you know, slamming White Diamond's head through a pillar, but it's not like I actually went through with it! I only ''actually'' shattered Jasper!
:''[Pearl gasps in horrified shock]''
:'''Amethyst''': WHAT?!
:''[Garnet, Connie, and Greg gasp]''
:'''Connie''': You're- you're joking, right?
:'''Steven''': Oh, don't worry! I fixed that too! I can fix ''anything!'' I can just keep messing up and fixing things forever, and you'll never have to know or think about any of it!
:'''Garnet''': Steven...
:'''Steven''': ''[sighs as he finally loses it]'' How messed up is that? That I've gotten away with this for so long? You have ''no'' idea how bad I am! Y-You think I'm so great, and I'm so mature, and I always know what to do! But ''that's'' not true! I haven't learned a thing from my problems! They've all just made me worse! You all think of me as some angel, but I'm not that kid anymore! ''[close-up on his scowl]'' I'm a fraud. ''[falls to the floor as his breaths become shaky]'' I'm a fraud. I'm a MONSTER! ''[massive pink spikes burst out of his back, tearing his shirt with everyone taking  a step back, with plain terror]''

===''I Am My Monster''===
:'''Greg''': ''[calling out]'' Just calm down, son! Take deep breaths! Deep breaths!
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah! Relax, buddy!
:'''Peridot''': Let's hurry up and clobber that thing!
:'''Garnet''': Stand down.
:'''Peridot''': What for?!
:'''Lapis''': Where's Steven?
:'''Garnet''': That ''is'' Steven.
:'''Peridot, Bismuth, &amp; Lapis''': ''[shocked]'' '''WHAT?!'''
:''[Monster Steven bashes his head against the cliff of the temple, causing an avalanche of boulders to fall]''
:'''Garnet''': RUN!
:'''Amethyst''': He's not listening to us at all!
:'''Pearl''': What happened to him? First, he says he's a shatterer and then he's turned into this...''thing''!
:'''Connie''': We can change him back, can't we?
:'''Garnet''': As long as he believes he's a monster, he'll ''stay'' one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Spinel''': ''[jumps out of the Diamond ship, holding Steven's flip flop]'' You forgot your foot thong thingy! ''[sees Steven as a monster]'' OOOH, OH!
:''[The Diamonds walk out of the ship]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What is going on here?
:'''White Diamond''': Why is something like this ''always'' happening when we show up for a visit?
:'''Blue Diamond''': What is that thing?
:'''Garnet''': That &quot;thing&quot; is Steven.
:''[Blue, White Diamond, and Spinel gasp in shock]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': WHAT?!
:'''White Diamond''': Impossible!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Is he corrupted?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': But how?
:'''Garnet''': Never mind that. We have to change him back.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Leave it to me. ''[she catches Monster Steven's head in an energy aura and tries to shrink it down, only for it to revert back immediately, to her confusion]'' With my new power, I should be able to alter his physical form.
:'''Blue Diamond''': He's resisting. Maybe he needs to feel better first. I can help with that. ''[she sends a cloud of joy towards Monster Steven, but he blows it right back]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Look out! ''[the cloud hits her and Spinel, and they start laughing uncontrollably]'' Wow! Your new power didn't work either!
:'''White Diamond''': ''[pushes Yellow and Blue aside and approaches Monster Steven]'' Enough. I know exactly how to help. If I connect with him and he speaks through me, maybe we'll understand what he's going through. Now then, do you hear me, Steven? ''[her gem glows and the atmosphere's colors change]'' Just relax and let me in… Wait-- ''[her eyes glow, and she cries out and falls back as Yellow and Blue catch her]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': White!
:'''Blue Diamond''': What happened?!
:'''White Diamond''': ''[horrified]'' That's ''not'' Steven anymore!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': Guys, look! The Cluster is trying to hold Steven back!
:'''Peridot''': I can't believe it! He's even stronger than the Cluster!
:'''Bismuth''': Don't let your guard down. He could break free at any moment!
:'''Pearl''': Deep inside this…monster, Steven must be in there, so angry.
:'''Amethyst''': I knew something was going on. I- Why didn't I ''do'' something?!
:'''Sapphire''': ''[crying]'' If we don't get through to him, he'll stay like this ''forever!'' ''[starts sobbing along with Ruby while Lapis watches]''
:'''Amethyst''': ''[to Greg as he takes a few steps back]'' Dude, you should get outta here before you get hurt!
:'''Greg''': ''[stomps his foot]'' NO! Everytime Gem stuff happens, I run the other way! This is ''my'' son! And he's right to be angry, because I didn't protect him!
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[tearing up; crying]'' You didn't protect him from us! He's like this because of us!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[crying]'' ''We're'' the source of Steven's suffering!
:'''Spinel''': ''[breaks down, sobbing hysterically and blowing her nose into her pigtails]'' THIS IS ''MY'' FAULT!
:'''White Diamond''': ''[crying]'' Spinel, don't be silly. Everyone knows that all of this is because of ''me!''
:'''Spinel''': No, it's ME! I tried to wipe his friends' memories, so he would die alone on a barren world!
:'''White Diamond''': ''[crying and sobbing]'' That was because you were angry with Pink! And if Pink hurt you, it was because ''I'' hurt ''her!'' Like I hurt Yellow and Blue and Steven and everyone in the entire universe! This is all ''my'' fault!
:'''Connie''': YES, it is! ''[rides in on Lion]'' Yes, you hurt him, but this isn't the time to make this all about you! That is not helping! Maybe Steven would care how sad you are, because he always puts everyone else's feelings first! But he can't do that for you right now, because he needs ''us'' this time! We all have Steven when we needed him. But the only person who's never had Steven is Steven! He's ''always'' been there for us, so… how can we be there for him now?
:''[Ruby and Sapphire smile and fuse back into Garnet]''
:'''Garnet''': I know how. 
:''[Monster Steven breaks free of the Cluster's hand, defeats it and charges at the beach]''
:'''Garnet''': Okay! No time to waste. Yellow, make me as big as him!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Right.
:'''Garnet''': Blue, lift everyone up!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Of course.
:'''Garnet''': Everyone, get in line!
:'''Greg''': You got it!
:'''Garnet''': It's time to show Steven… some love.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': ''[hugging her arms tightly around Monster Steven while he's struggling; calmly]'' Steven, when I fell apart, you were there for me. I want to be there for ''you'' now. I'm here, Steven. I'm here.
:'''Lapis''': This is working? You hear us? Steven! ''[comes and hugs him]''
:''[Everyone comes in for the hug too]''
:'''Greg''': I'm here, Schtu-Ball! Whatever you need, I'll make it happen! You hear me?!
:'''Peridot''': Steven! You never gave up on me for some reasons I don't understand! I'll do the same for you!
:'''Amethyst''': I know you feel bad! Believe me, I get it! Sometimes it feels like you're never gonna like yourself but… it's possible, man!
:'''Pearl''': Steven, I know how awful it feels to keep a part of yourself secret! You shouldn't have to hide anything from me!
:''[Monster Steven stammers emotionally, and the Cluster's hand reappears and takes his]''
:'''Connie''': ''[jumps off Lion's head and lands on Monster Steven's nose, walks closer to his face and hugs him; sighs]'' Steven… you must have been ''so'' afraid to show us this side of yourself. But we're not going anywhere. We're all gonna take care of you the same way you took care of us. You know what? I don't have your powers, but… ''[kisses him with a pink droplet appearing]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[wakes up, back to his normal human-self, still crying]'' Huh? ''[looks and sees everyone smiling at him]'' Wha…I… Did-Did I-I'm- ''[Lion pops up and licks him; chuckling]'' Lion. ''[hugs Lion]'' Lion! ''[begins sobbing, letting out his emotions]''

===''The Future''===
:'''Jasper''': ''[bursts through the wall, staying aloof]'' Heard you’re leaving. ''[faces at Steven]'' I’m coming with you!
:'''Steven''': Jasper, I’m going ''alone.''
:'''Jasper''': Then who will protect you?!
:'''Steven''': I can protect myself.
:'''Jasper''': ''[sighs disappointingly, scowls]'' I know. ''[punches a hole in the ground and looks the opposite direction]'' Farewell, my Diamond. ''[headbutts the wall, creating another Jasper-shaped hole next to the previous one, walks through it]''
:'''Steven''': Whoa! Even Jasper's more upset than my own family! Maybe I need a round two?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Garnet''': I couldn't resist looking into your future. I peeked, and I saw a possibility that our tears would keep you from leaving. But I also saw many paths ahead of you, and we are a part of ''all'' of them. Wherever you end up, we will visit you to talk, to listen, to be there – whenever you need us. We love you, Steven.

==External links==
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[[Category:Steven Universe]]</text>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-26T15:00:40Z</timestamp>
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      <text bytes="48812" xml:space="preserve">----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]]
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{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Steven Universe Future|Steven Universe Future]]''''' (2019–2020) is an animated limited series produced by [[w:Cartoon Network|Cartoon Network]] as an epilogue for [[Steven Universe (season 5)|Season 5]] of ''[[Steven Universe]]'' and ''[[Steven Universe: The Movie]]''.

==Episodes==
===''Little Homeschool''===
:'''Steven''': ''[narrating]'' Life is a little different these days. The Diamonds have ended their reign of terror. The intergalactic war is over, and Earth is officially an independent planet. We're all safe to explore our dreams. Lars opened up his own pastry shop, and it's got a real cute space gimmick goin' on. Sadie's been touring with The Suspects, promoting their new album, and Connie has been getting a head start on college prep. She's two years away from applying, but she says it doesn't hurt to start early. And speaking of higher education, Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl and I have been cooking up a dream of our own!
:'''Cherry Quartz''': I have no idea who you're talking about.
:'''Steven''': ''[chuckling]'' Don't worry about it. You'll learn all that, and more, right here at Little Homeschool. ''[gives Cherry Quartz a tour around]'' Here at Little Homeschool, you have a chance to rediscover yourself and learn to live on Earth if you like. You can forge a new identity. Grow your own ideas. And even find your inner Morp!
:'''Cherry Quartz''': Wait, what's a &quot;Morp&quot;?
:'''Steven''': That's ''exactly'' the kind of question we love to hear!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': You know, half those Gems are soldiers who fought by your side before they were corrupted and turned into monsters. They're lost and confused and still a little messed up, but they're getting the help they need.
:'''Jasper''': So? Who cares?
:'''Steven''': ''[angrily]'' I do! And if I didn't care, you'd still be a monster too!
:'''Jasper''': And what? Now I owe you?
:'''Steven''': No!
:'''Jasper''': You think because you did something I never asked for, I'm going to ''obey'' you?
:'''Steven''': No! That's not--
:'''Jasper''': Like all the other Gems you ''use.''
:'''Steven''': ''[frustrated]'' AGGGHHH! I only came here because I felt bad for you, but all of this is your own fault! All the other Gems were corrupted by the Diamonds, but-- but you corrupted yourself just to win a fight! Which you ''LOST!'' To ''ME!'' No one's making you stay here all alone in the middle of nowhere, ready to fight a war that's been over for years! Are you just gonna sit here for centuries waiting for someone to give you a purpose?! ''Because I'm trying to give you one!''
:'''Jasper''': Listen, weakling! You might have Pink Diamond's gem, but you are ''not'' my Diamond, and I am ''not'' going to take orders from some weak, sappy, useless piece of dirt! If you think you're hard enough to tell me what to do, then fight me and prove it.
:'''Steven''': Fine!
:'''Jasper''': ''[suddenly smiles eagerly]'' Really? Huh, well then! Why don't you throw the first punch? ''[beckons tauntingly, and Steven punches her, pushing her back a few feet]'' Ooohh...! ''[laughs aggressively and charges back at him]''
:'''Steven''': I... guess we're doing this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[During his fight with Jasper, Steven bubbles a nest of baby birds to protect them]''
:'''Jasper''': Stop trying to help those tiny flapping Earthlings, and ''FIGHT ME!'' 
:'''Steven''': I'll never stop trying to help them, or you!
:'''Jasper''': ''[kicking his shield away and pinning him down]'' I don't need your help! ''You're'' the one that needs help! You think you've beaten me, but you've never beaten me on your own! You've always been a fusion! You've always had your friends! Because you're nothing without them! You think everyone needs help!
:'''Steven''': ''[tearing up]'' I-- I just--  
:'''Jasper''': But ''it's only you. No one'' is as '''''pitiful''''' as '''''you!'''''
:''[Shaken and angry, Steven starts to glow pink and pushes Jasper back with a sudden burst of strength, much to her surprise]''
:'''Steven''': ''[looking at himself]'' Whoa... what? ''[Jasper grins, and Steven angrily summons a bubble glove and charges at her with it]'' I'M... ''NOT''... PITIFUL! ''[sends her flying back through several trees]''
:'''Jasper''': ''[chuckles]'' Ha. Not bad. ''[continues to fight Steven, who catches her in the middle of a spin-dash]'' Nice catch.
:'''Steven''': You should see my ''THROW!'' ''[tosses her up into the air, where she laughs as he hits her several more times]'' STOP LAUGHING! ''[sends her slamming back down into the ground, then gasps in shock and returns to normal]'' Jasper...
:'''Jasper''': ''[gets up and shakes herself off, impressed]'' Huh. I didn't think you had it in you.  
:'''Steven''': I don't... I don't know what that was. I'm sorry.  
:'''Jasper''': ''[rolling her eyes]'' Ugh! Don't apologize.  
:'''Steven''': I... think I had you all wrong. Maybe you don't have something to learn from me. Maybe I have something to learn from you. ''[Jasper raises an eyebrow]'' Would you ever be interested in teaching?  
:'''Jasper''': ''[scoffs]'' Tssh! At your crummy little school?
:'''Steven''': No, just me. You brought something out of me I didn't know I had.  
:'''Jasper''': ''[walks up to Steven, placing a hand on his shoulder]'' Consider that fight back there your first and ''only'' lesson. ''[begins walking off]''  
:'''Steven''': Well... can I come back to see you sometime?  
:'''Jasper''': Do what you want.

===''Guidance''===
:'''Larimar''': What is this wonderful noise?  
:'''Steven''': Those are the joyful screams of people on a roller coaster.  
:'''Larimar''': Human screams are my favorite of the Earth's delights. I want to hear the human screams forever.
:'''Steven''': Okay, that's kind of troubling. But your heart is in the right place.
:'''Larimar''': One day, I'll make ''you'' scream, Steven.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Larimar''': I just wanted to say thanks for the amusement park job. I'm not great at the roller-coaster operation, we know, but I found out I'm good at handing out prizes to children, and I love their laughter.
:'''Steven''': Aww.
:'''Larimar''': It sounds just like screaming.

===''Rose Buds''===
:'''Holly Blue Agate''': Stop relaxing and get back to your posts! Ugh! How can you stand this total lack of order?
:'''Amethyst Guard''': Chill out, Holly Blue. You know you want to.
:'''Holly Blue Agate''' I give up. No one answers to me, and I answer to no one. I'd give anything for an order from the Diamonds, but all they talk about is Steven, Steven, Steven -- Steven!
:'''Steven''': Hi, Holly.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[seeing all of the Rose Quartzes being un-bubbled]'' So... Many... Rose Quartzes. How did the--
:'''Superfan Rose''': Oh, now that it's Era 3, we were all unbubbled, so now, we're making up for lost time. Hi! I'm Rose Quartz, and you, you're Steven! You are so much smaller than I imagined! Is it because you're half organic? Can you believe it, Rose Quartz?!
:'''Hippie Rose''': It's like, we where bubbled, but now we're like, not bubbled.
:'''Steven''': Th-It's really-- It's really great.

===''Volleyball''===
:'''Steven''': So, how would you like your magical spit administered today?
:'''Ruby bodyguard''': Ah, geez, uh... the ''not'' kissing one?
:'''Steven''': You got it! ''[licks his palm and applies healing spit onto the Ruby's gem, healing the crack]'' Man, what kind of enemies does the mayor have to keep you landing in my office?
:'''Ruby bodyguard''': That's classified information, nurse-citizen Universe.
:'''Steven''': Okay, well, try not to classify too hard out there. Oh, don't forget your lollipop!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[On Pink Pearl's cracked face]''
:'''Pearl''': How could White be so careless?  
:'''Pink Pearl''': ''[chuckling]'' Oh, no, Pearl. You've got it all wrong. Pink did this.
:'''Pearl''': ''[shocked]'' What did you say? ''[approaches her]'' 
:'''Steven''': Pearl, no...!  
:'''Pink Pearl''': It's a funny story, really. Once, Pink got tired of asking Yellow and Blue for her own colony, so she went straight to White. Of course, White told her she wasn't fit to run one, and, well, that set her off. 
:'''Pearl''': &quot;Set her off&quot;? What are you talking about?  
:'''Pink Pearl''': You remember how she was, with her destructive powers, throwing tantrums left and right. She had a scream that could crack the walls. She didn't mean to hurt me. ''[chuckles]'' I just happened to be standing too close to her that time, and--  
:'''Steven''': ''[covering his ears anxiously]'' Doesn't matter! I'm gonna fix it!  
:'''Pearl''': Destructive powers?! Pink didn't have destructive powers, she was a healer! She didn't throw tantrums, she kept her feelings secret!
:'''Pink Pearl''': The Pink I knew couldn't keep a secret to save her gem.  
:'''Pearl''': Are you kidding?! If anything, she was ''too'' good at keeping secrets, even from me!
:''[Frustrated by their arguing, Steven furiously snaps and starts glowing pink]''
:'''Steven''': ''[lividly]'' ''STOP IT!'' I CAN'T DEAL WITH ''ONE MORE'' HORRIBLE THING SHE DID, OKAY?! ''[Both Pearls gasp]'' I DON'T WANNA HEAR ABOUT IT, I DON'T EVEN WANNA ''THINK'' ABOUT IT!
:'''Pearl''': Steven!
:'''Steven''': I JUST WANT TO '''''FIX IT!!!'''''
:''[Steven unleashes a shockwave that causes cracks around the room. Pink Pearl cowers in fear, and Steven looks at his own reflection in shock and remorse]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': I'm sorry for not believing you. It looks like I'm still making excuses for her. 
:'''Pink Pearl''': ''[tearfully]'' Is that what ''I've'' been doing?! But... she didn't mean to! 
:'''Pearl''': But you were hurt! Badly hurt! 
:'''Pink Pearl''': I was badly hurt... How did ''you'' stop hurting? 
:'''Pearl''': ''[embraces her tightly]'' I didn't.
:''[Pink Pearl returns the hug, and they fuse into Mega Pearl]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I'm so sorry. The whole trip was for nothing. 
:'''Mega Pearl''': No, it wasn't for nothing. Your mother's Pearls never had the whole picture. One knew your mother was trying to change, but she couldn't understand why. The other never expected her to change at all. Now, I get to understand everything. Now, they finally get to have each other.
:''[She separates into the two Pearls, peacefully holding hands]''

===''Bluebird''===
:'''Steven''': Tsk, tsk, tsk. You guys fused just because you hate me, didn't you?
:'''Aquamarine and &quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': Yes!
:'''Steven Universe''': If that's the only reason, then it's no wonder you can't keep it together.
:'''Aquamarine''': What are you talking about?
:'''Steven Universe''': There are so many other reasons to fuse, like friendship and responsibility and... and love. Imagine how much better it would feel to fuse to support each other, instead of tearing someone down. Your life would fill with warmth and friendship and joy and love and--
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': ''[covering her ears]'' Wowie, wow! He is ''so'' annoying!
:'''Aquamarine''': I hate him so much!
:'''Aquamarine and &quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': I know! Me too! ''[they fuse back into Bluebird Azurite]''
:'''Steven''': Are you kidding me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I'm really sorry, Dad. I never should have given Bluebird a chance.
:'''Greg''': I love how you believe in everyone. You stuck to your principles, and I'm proud of you. I mean, everyone can change, but not everyone wants to.

===''A Very Special Episode''===
:''[Rainbow Quartz 2.0 unfuses and Steven answers the call]''
:'''Garnet''': Steven, you're late. I need you for the Sunstone safety geminar.
:'''Steven''': Oh, no, that was today? But, Rainbow Quartz promised to hang out with Onion to-
:'''Garnet''': Don't worry, ''I'll'' handle the geminar. I'll explain to them every possible future where they get hurt in this house.
:'''Steven''': I don't know if that's a good idea. I'll be right there.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ocean Jasper''': I slip on the stairs?
:'''Garnet''': Yes. You shatter on impact.
:''[Ocean Jasper, Earth and Heaven Beetle, and a Nephrite scream]''
:'''Steven''': ''[enters through the door]'' Garnet, I'm here.
:'''Garnet''': Steven, help. I think I'm scaring them.
:'''Steven''': It's okay. We got this. Let's get this safety Geminar started with a very special guest speaker.
:''[They both fuse into Sunstone]''
:'''Sunstone''': Your rockin' pal Sunstone's here to shine.
:'''Ocean Jasper''': Watch out, Sunstone. It's dangerous in here.
:'''Sunstone''': Not if you practice home safety. Don't slip up. Clear objects off the stairs. Foul shot! Make sure you cover your trash, or you might attract wild animals. Come on. Let's go! Don't leave the water running, it could flood your house. Put protective covers on electrical outlets, especially when kids are around. And most importantly, turn off motion smoothing on your TV.
:'''Ocean Jasper''': Wow, everything looks so much better!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Steven receives a call from Pearl, who he left to take care of Onion]''
:'''Steven''': ''[exhausted]'' Please, please have everything under control...  
:'''Pearl''': STEVEN! EVERYTHING IS OUT OF CONTROL!
:'''Steven''': Yup...
:'''Pearl''': It's getting really weird here! Steven, you were never like this, you were such a good kid! I'm so sorry I never told you that! Aah! I... I can hear him, but I can't see him! I think he's in the walls! I don't know how he got there, and I don't know how to get him out! ''[call ends]''
:'''Steven''': ''[long gasp]'' Garnet, can you handle things on your own for a little bit?  
:'''Garnet''': No problem. Our students love me. ''[walks over to them]'' Let me tell you all the ways you can get hit by a car.  
:'''Steven''': Agh, Garnet! Forget it. I'll stay. I'll stay!  
:'''Pearl''': ''[in another call]'' STEVEN, THERE'S A SNAKE!
:'''Steven''': Never mind!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rainbow Quartz 2.0''': Why play with sharp objects when you can play with my sharp wit? Crack jokes, not cookie jars, as I always say. Ha ha!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': It's important to keep in mind that all these horrible things ''did'' happen to you in alternate timelines. Safety is fun.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Onion has led Garnet's students off a cliff]''
:'''Pearl''': Oh, no!
:'''Garnet''': Steven, quick! Sunstone can save them!
:'''Steven''': Okay... ''[they fuse into Sunstone]'' 
:'''Sunstone''': Oh, yeah!
:'''Pearl''': No! Let Rainbow save them! ''[fuses with Steven]''  
:'''Rainbow Quartz 2.0''': ''[showing his umbrella]'' I'll catch them with this!  
:'''Amethyst''': ''[rushing in]'' Hey, wait! ''I'' need Steven!
:'''Steven''' ''[unfuses from Pearl]'' What is it, Amethyst?  
:'''Amethyst''': I just miss you, man! I haven't seen you for, like, eleven minutes!

===''Snow Day''===
:'''Amethyst''': ''[enters with fried eggs for eyes]'' You really gonna skip the most egg-ssential meal of the day?
:'''Steven''': Of course not. I've got all my morning nutrients in this protein shake.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[pokes yolk to leak]'' Dude, you're making me sad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': Man, you had a better work-life balance when the Diamonds were trying to destroy the planet.
:'''Steven''': That was then. This is now.
:'''Amethyst''': Hey, you know what we haven't done in a long time? ''[shapeshifts into 14-year-old Steven]'' Steven Tag!
:'''Steven''': Amethyst, what the heck?!
:'''Amethyst''': You know the rules, buster. You get tagged, you have to turn into Steven.
:'''Steven''': But I'm already Steven!
:'''Amethyst''': Nah, bruh. ''Classic'' Steven.
:'''Steven''': ''Classic Steven?''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Pearl gets tagged in Garnet and Amethyst's new game of Steven Tag]''
:'''Steven''': Ha! Joke's on you! Pearl doesn't shapeshift! ''[Pearl starts to glow]'' Huh?
:'''Pearl''': ''[shapeshifts into Steven]'' The power of Steven Tag COMPELS ME!
:'''Steven''': ''[chuckles]'' Wow. Good for her.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': It was a snowman… ''[takes off her visor]'' with Steven's jacket. NOOOOOO!
:'''Steven''': ''[shivering]'' They'll never stop until they make me play.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I really didn't want to do this, but you leave me no choice. I ''JOIN'' THE GAME!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': You shouldn't have messed with me. Huh? ''[gets tagged by Sapphire]''
:'''Sapphire''': Tag.
:'''Steven''': ''[falls off the lighthouse]'' Oh, no. Is this the end of my adult life?

===''Why So Blue?''===
:'''Steven''' You're right. This is harder than usual.  
:'''Lapis''': You've just got to force them to stop. This is going to be a fight. They're not nice like me.  
:'''Steven''': Umm...  
:'''Lapis''': Exactly.  
:'''Steven''': They just don't understand that they're doing harm. Y-you get it. What made it click for you?  
:'''Lapis''': ''A cycle of horrible torture.'' ''[smiling]'' But other than that, living in nature, getting creative.
:'''Steven''': Yeah! Come on, we can do that for them.  
:'''Lapis''': Okay. Just a little torture.  
:'''Steven''': N-no, just the other stuff. 
:'''Lapis''': ''[sighs]'' Fine, we'll try it your way.
:''[They head back to the two Lapis Lazulis]'' 
:'''Steven''': Hey, so, why don't we explore the many things that you can do that don't involve destroying worlds?  
:'''&quot;Mean&quot; Lapis''': Should we listen to him?  
:'''&quot;Nice&quot; Lapis''': He is half-Diamond. Maybe, we should half-listen.  
:'''Steven''': I'll take that as a &quot;yes.&quot; Let's go. 

===''Little Graduation''===
:'''Lars''': ''[about Shep]'' Say hi to them for me.

===''Prickly Pair''===
:'''Cactus Steven''': I can't tell Pearl how I feel, 'cause she'd blame herself! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cactus Steven''': I can't hear any more high and mighty advice from Garnet! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cactus Steven''': I'm so sick of Amethyst acting like she's so mature now!
:'''Amethyst''': Why's it being so weirdly specific?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': Hey, dude?
:'''Pearl''': Is there anything you need to talk about?
:'''Steven''': ''[softly]'' ... I think I've said enough.

===''In Dreams''===
:''[After Steven and Peridot have watched the'' Camp Pining Hearts ''reboot]''
:'''Steven''': Wha…? Wha…?!
:'''Steven and Peridot''': '''''WHAT HAVE THEY DONE?!?!?'''''  
:'''Peridot''': What is with this Rodrigo guy?! He has no charisma!  
:'''Steven''': And can we talk about this cinematography?!  
:'''Peridot''': GAAAH, THEY'VE CHANGED ''ALL'' THE CHARACTERS, AND I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THEM! ''[grabs the television]'' HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?! ''[sobs] Camp Pining Hearts'' helped me escape when everything around me was in chaos...  
:'''Steven''': ''CPH'' brought us together... 
:'''Peridot''': And now, LOOK AT THIS NIGHTMARE! ''[the TV suddenly shows Steven's dream]'' Steven?! You didn't tell me that they cast you!  
:'''Steven''': What?! They didn't. I-Is this... my dream from last night? ''[on the TV, after Steven falls and the dream ends, it goes back to'' Camp Pining Hearts ''again]'' Whoa! My- My powers must be interfering with the TV signal!  
:'''Peridot''': ''[delighted]'' Steven! Do you know what this means?!  
:'''Steven''': I have to start wearing a tinfoil hat?  
:'''Peridot''': No! It means that if we can put your dreams on the television, we can reboot the reboot!  
:'''Steven''': &quot;Reboot the...?&quot; Peridot, you're a genius!  
:'''Peridot''': I know.
:'''Steven''': And, well, it might be fun to fix something that isn't the entire universe.  
:'''Peridot''': ''[grabs him with one arm]'' This is going to be the beginning of Peridot and Steven Productions!  
:'''Steven''': Yeah-- whoa! ''[topples onto her]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': Peridot! We've always had something to fix together - the Cluster, the Diamonds, or Spinel! I don't think I know how to be a friend without something to fix! But I... I just can't do it anymore! I'm so tired... Now I'm even doing it in my dreams! I'm sorry, I can't do this for you. Please don't leave! Don't... leave!
:''[The dream stops, in the manner of a TV turning off; Steven awakens, in tears, to Peridot's concerned voice]''
:'''Peridot''': Steven? Steven! STEVEN! Steven, I saw everything! It's-- It's fine! We don't have to do this anymore. ''[hugs him and starts tearing up]'' I don't care about the show, and I ''definitely'' don't care about Rodrigo! Hrrrgh, I'm such a clod!
:'''Steven''': But I really wanted to spend time with you! I just... wanted an excuse to hang out.
:'''Peridot''': We don't need an excuse to hang out.
:'''Steven''': Can... we still watch ''CPH'' together? Even if it sucks?
:'''Peridot''': ''[removes her visor to wipe her eyes, and smiles]'' Of course.
:''[Later, they watch the show]''
:'''Jasmine''': ''[in the show, angrily]'' How could you lie to me like that, Rodrigo?! I guess you just can't help being a bad person!
:''[Steven and Peridot laugh]''
:'''Peridot''': Jasmine, you just ''buried a body in the woods'', and now you're mad that Rodrigo cheated at ''cards?!''
:''[They laugh again]''
:'''Peridot''': This show is the worst!
:'''Steven''': ''[smiling warmly at her]'' This show is the best.

===''Bismuth Casual''===
:''[At the Starlight Roller Rink]''
:'''Bismuth''': Woooow! So you mean to tell me people pay to have wheels strapped to their feet for fun? That is really something else.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Patricia''': You should have seen Daniel earlier. He was all bent out of shape 'cos his mom tore into him over his last test scores!
:'''Daniel''': ''[groans]'' You know, I kind of forgot about it for a sec.
:'''Steven''': Heh... I know how that is. One time, White Diamond tore into me... literally! ''[laughs awkwardly]'' She, uh, she took my gem - I'm part Gem, by the way - she pulled it right out of my body.
:'''Daniel''': Okay...?
:'''Patricia''': So what grade are you in, Steven?
:'''Steven''': Grade? Err, uh... sixteen?
:'''Patricia''': ''[laughs]''
:'''Daniel''': So you're taking AP classes?
:'''Steven''': Uh...
:'''Connie''': Y'all ready to skate?
:'''Patricia''': Heck, yeah!
:''[Connie, Patricia and Daniel skate away]''
:'''Steven''': I really blew that one. Bet if they were enemy Gems, we'd be best friends by now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Pearl forms a roll of toilet paper from her gem and gives it to Bismuth]''
:'''Pearl''': Oh, here, take this. Every human has at least one of these in their homes. Sometimes they even use it ''[secretively]'' for vandalism! Good luck out there! ''[starts skating away]''
:'''Bismuth''': Wait, where are you going?
:'''Pearl''': You don't need me anymore, Bismuth - the humans already love you! I'm going to make some new connections of my own! ''[to a random skater]'' Hello, fellow skater! Would you like a fresh roll? ''[forms another roll]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': When Connie and I were fighting to save the universe, things were sort of easier. We were fighting the same fight. Now it's like we're living different lives. I wonder if I'm even her best friend anymore...
:'''Bismuth''': ''[pounds the table firmly]'' How long has this been going on?
:'''Steven''': Err... couple of months.
:'''Bismuth''': Listen, Steven. Pearl brought me here to set me up with her friends, but Connie came here to be with ''you.'' You've got nothing to mope about.
:'''Steven''': But her friends think I'm weird.
:'''Bismuth''': Of course you're weird! You're a Crystal Gem! Connie knows that, she's always known that! That never stopped you from being friends!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Steven collapses in the rink]''
:'''Connie''': Steven! Are you okay?
:'''Steven''': Connie, I'm sorry... I don't wanna hold you back.
:'''Connie''': I don't mind.
:'''Steven''': You've got school, new friends, you're going places and... I'm happy for you. But I feel like you're drifting away from me. I wish we could reconnect, but... BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SKATE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Steven and Connie win the skating contest as Stevonnie]''
:'''Patricia''': Steven, Connie, that was amazing!
:'''Daniel''': What the heck was that out there?
:'''Connie''': Oh, fusion? Yeah, that's kind of our thing.
:'''Steven''': It's something I picked up from my mom's side of the family.
:'''Daniel''': The only thing I get from my mom's side of the family is ''stressed out.''
:'''Steven''': ''[chuckles]'' Same...

===''Together Forever''===
:''[After Connie turns down Steven's proposal]''
:'''Steven''': I don't get it. Ruby and Sapphire said I should go for it.  
:'''Garnet''': You can't trust love advice from those two hopeless romantics.  
:'''Steven''': Then why didn't you stop me?  
:'''Garnet''': There was no future where you didn't propose to Connie.  
:'''Steven''': Of course...
:'''Garnet''': ''[hugs him]'' Your soulmate is your complement, not your missing piece. Ruby and Sapphire love being together, but they each have their own individual lives. Whatever hole there is in your life, Steven, I want you to understand that Connie-Stevonnie won't be able to fill it.

===''Growing Pains''===
:'''Priyanka''': Steven, do you remember anything bad in your childhood that particularly stuck with you?
:'''Steven''': I guess…I kind of freaked out when they [[w:Gem Glow|cancelled my favorite ice cream]]. And then I got attacked by a giant bug monster. And I got trapped in a bubble and almost drowned. I lost control of my body and turned into a blob of cats. I almost turned so old I died. Amethyst almost died. Pearl [[w:Steven the Sword Fighter|''did'' die]]. Garnet got destabilized right in front of me. I woke up with a black eye, [[w:Jail Break (Steven Universe)|imprisoned on a spaceship]]--
:'''Priyanka''': Steven, this is serious.
:'''Steven''': But that was just the early stuff.
:'''Priyanka''': I think all these experiences have been subjecting your body to a harmful amount of stress, and that's affecting your ability to respond to new forms of stress in a healthy way. You've been dealing with genuine threats from such a young age, your body is now responding to minor threats as if your life were in danger.
:'''Steven''': But, why am I only swelling up now?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Greg''': Come on, Steven, talk to me.
:'''Steven''': ''[tearing up]'' I... well... I, um... I proposed to Connie!
:'''Greg''': You what?!
:'''Steven''': She said no.
:'''Greg''': Oh, Steven...
:'''Steven''': My body... it's reacting like it's the end of the world. I think I've seen the world almost end so many times now that ''everything'' that goes wrong feels that... that extreme! I should be feeling so good these days! The Earth is safe, it's Era 3... But I'm swelling up over these third era problems! What do I do? How do I move on from all the stuff I've been through? How do I live life if it always feels like I'm about to die?!
:'''Greg''': It's gonna be all right, Stewball. I'm here for you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': I guess I thought I could just follow Connie to college, like if we got married I'd know what to do with myself. But I'm the one that's gotta figure that stuff out.
:'''Greg''': Cut yourself some slack! It's okay to be worried and make some mistakes when you're figuring out what to do with your life. That's not unusual. Uh, well, the magic swelling is a little unusual, but that's okay too! If you want to be a giant boy, we can use the car wash as a shower.

=== ''Mr. Universe'' ===
:'''Steven''': I don't need this song! I need...I need what you had!
:'''Greg''': What?
:'''Steven''': I wish I could've grown up at a house like that.
:'''Greg''': No you don't!
:'''Steven''': Maybe your parents weren't so bad. Maybe they gave you curfews and chaperones and meatloaf f-for a reason!
:'''Greg''': Steven, you don't know what they were like!
:'''Steven''': They can't be worse then mom's family. I went halfway across the galaxy for them, and this was right here?!
:'''Greg''': Steven, I couldn't do anything growing up. Everything I liked, or wore, wanted was always wrong! Trust me, you're better off then I was.
:'''Steven''': I can't believe I never realized, you're... you're just like Mom! ''[turns pink as his grip tightens on the steering wheel]''
:'''Greg''': You grew up with actual freedom!
:'''Steven''': I grew up in a ''van!'' I never went to school! I've never been to the doctor until two days ago!
:'''Greg''': Steven! You're a gem! You're not like other kids!
:'''Steven''': I could have done all that stuff! My problem isn't that I'm a gem, my problem is that I'm a ''UNIVERSE!!''

===''Fragments''===
:'''Pearl''': How could this happen? You crashed the van with Greg inside? You know how fragile he is, these pink outbursts of yours are getting out of hand.
:'''Steven''': It's not an ''[turns pink]'' OUTBURST!
:'''Pearl''': See? This is exactly what I'm talking about! What's happening to you?
:'''Steven''': Nothing! ...It's nothing.
:'''Pearl''': S-Steven! Where are you going?! We're not pro- ''[Steven summons out a generated force field]'' Steven! Drop this wall!
:'''Steven''': Pearl, sorry. I'm trying- I just… need… some space, OK? I'll be in my room.
:'''Amethyst''': Not so fast, my dude. You gotta tell us what's going on.
:'''Garnet''': It looks like Steven is trying to avoid a serious discussion about this ''all'' together.
:'''Steven''': '''NO, I'M''' &lt;big&gt;'''NOT!!!'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[slams his fist into the stairs, unleashing a room-wrecking shockwave]''
:'''Garnet''': Steven, you have got to calm down and talk to us!
:'''Amethyst''': Just chill, man!
:'''Steven''': Nnghh…
:'''Pearl''': We need to do something about this before someone gets hurt!
:'''Steven''': NNGGHH…
:'''Garnet''': Don't let this power control you. You're better than this.
:'''Steven''': NNGGHH… &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; ''[notices the Gems are walking in slow-motion]'' I'm…speeding up again. I gotta get out of here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': This thing with my powers is a real problem!
:'''Jasper''': The only problem you have are your friends.
:'''Steven''': Huh?
:'''Jasper''': Can't you see they're holding you back?
:'''Steven''': What? No, they're-- they're just worried about me.
:'''Jasper''': They're afraid. Of your power.
:'''Steven''': Yeah... yeah, I guess so...
:'''Jasper''': You are too. You came all the way out here to hide from it. But ''I'm'' not here to hide. I don't stifle my anger or my power; I channel it into training!
:'''Steven''': Oh, right... this destroyed forest.
:'''Jasper''': I've got no one to serve, nowhere to go. All I have left is '''''POWER!''' [she punches a tree, completely smashing it apart]'' And in order to control that power, I have to ''use'' it. Those so-called &quot;friends&quot; of yours don't understand. They want you to feel bad for being yourself.
:'''Steven''': I ''do'' feel bad… ''[steps over to another tree and punches it, cringing in pain and remorse]''
:'''Jasper''': YEAH, DESTROY THAT WEAKLING TREE!
:'''Steven''': No! ''[kisses the tree, healing it and making grass sprout around it]''
:'''Jasper''': Ugh! Gross! That's disgusting! Bleh! No! The grass! ''[tears at it]'' Get outta here! ''[grabs Steven]'' Quit helping the local ecosystem recover!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[On Steven's new, more muscular form]''
:'''Jasper''': Hm. Not bad for three days of work. ''[Steven kisses one of his biceps]'' I didn't teach you that…

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jasper''': What are you holding back for?! You think I can't take it? I'm not gonna coddle you, Steven! Do you wanna go home to your gems?
:'''Steven''': No…
:'''Jasper''': Are you afraid to be strong? Are you pathetic? Are you ''weak?''
:'''Steven''': &lt;big&gt;'''''I'M NOT!!!!!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': You're right, Jasper. I ''have'' been holding back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Having shattered Jasper after losing control in their rematch, Steven hurries back to his bathroom and dips the fragments into Diamond aura potions]''
:'''Steven''': Please, please let this work! ''[crying]'' Jasper, I'm sorry. Please… come back. ''[his tears add Pink's aura to the mix]'' Please…
:''[After a while, Jasper's gem glows and heals, and she reforms]''
:'''Jasper''': ''[panting]'' Huh? What? You... ''shattered'' me?
:'''Steven''': Jasper! I-I'm so sorry, I should have stopped! I-I just wasn't thinking!  
:'''Jasper''': ''[steps out of the bathtub and bows on one knee]'' I bow to your strength… ''my Diamond.''  
:'''Steven''': ''[horrified]'' No...!

===''Homeworld Bound''===
:'''Pearl''': ''[knocks on the bathroom door]'' Steven?
:'''Amethyst''': What's going on in there? ''[Jasper emerges]'' Jasper?!
:'''Pearl''': What are you-?
:'''Amethyst''': Where's Steven?!
:'''Jasper''': Right here. ''[steps aside, revealing him looking scared and depressed]''
:'''Amethyst''': Steven? Where have you been?!
:''[Steven walks off upstairs to his conservatory]''
:'''Pearl''': You can't just disappear for days without telling us!
:'''Jasper''': My Diamond can do has he pleases.
:'''Amethyst''': Wait, what?!
:'''Pearl''': Why are you calling him that?!
:'''Garnet''': Steven!
:'''Pearl''': Where is he going?!
:''[The Gems follow Steven to his conservatory]''
:'''Pearl''': Steven, wait!
:'''Garnet''': You don't need to go.
:''[Steven turns pink and puts a barrier in front of the Gems as he sighs]''
:'''Amethyst''': What the HECK?!
:'''Steven''': You guys… I love you, but you ''can't'' help me anymore. I've been avoiding the only people in the entire universe who can. Please, don't follow me. You too, Jasper. Find something better to do with your life.
:'''Garnet''': Steven! Remember, we'll always be your family.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Spinel''': STEVEN! ''[grabs him and kisses him]''
:'''Steven''': ''[turning pink]'' Spinel, what is wrong with you?!
:'''Spinel''': Oh, y'know, the usual.
:'''Steven''': ''[turning back to normal]'' So, how've you been since, err...?
:'''Spinel''': Since I tried to kill you? That was so embarrassing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[controlling White Diamond]'' Whoa. This is… so weird. I'm-I'm, I'm a Diamond. This- This is the last thing I needed to see. I don't wanna be you! I don't wanna be anything like you! Why won't you just go '''AWAY?!''' ''[punches a pillar]'' Don't hurt me! She can't hurt me. I'm controlling her. So why am I so afraid? ''[flashes back to his memory of White pulling his gemstone out; scowls angrily]'' '''''She's''''' the one who should be afraid.
:'''White Diamond''': ''[talking in Steven's voice]'' What's- what's going on? ''[Steven starts controlling her like a puppet]'' What? No, stop it. I don't like this!
:'''Steven''': Too bad. ''[force controls White by walking toward a pillar]''
:'''White Diamond''': Let me go! ''[grabs hold of the pillar]'' Please! You're scaring me!
:'''Steven''': This is for EVERYTHING you put me through! ''[forces White Diamond’s head to slam into the pillar, in an attempt to shatter her gemstone, instead, snaps them out of it and hits his own head, allowing White Diamond to regain her control again]''
:'''White Diamond''': ''[breathing; horrified]'' What… what ''was'' that?!
:'''Steven''': I-I don't know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Spinel''': Hey, buddy, where you going?
:'''Steven''': Wait a second - ''you'' used to have vengeful thoughts!
:'''Spinel''': ''[awkwardly]'' Ooooh, yeah... but I don't get 'em anymore.
:'''Steven''': How did you make them stop?
:'''Spinel''': I met a little someone named Steven Universe! And he told me: ''[singing]'' [[w:Steven Universe: The Movie|IIIIII, I can make a chaaaaange! You can make a promise...]]
:'''Steven''': Gah! Don't give me my own advice!

===''Everything's Fine''===
:'''Steven''': Hey, Connie, what's up?
:'''Connie''': Steven! Good, you finally picked up! I can't believe we haven't spoken since the hospital. How are you?
:'''Steven''': I'm great! Never been better!
:'''Connie''': Really? Have you had any more issues with swelling and glowing pink?
:'''Steven''': Um... Nope? Well, maybe, but how about you? How's college prep?
:'''Connie''': Steven, that's, uh- It's fine, but what do you mean, maybe?
:'''Steven''': Look, there's nothing to worry about. I'm OK.
:'''Connie''': Steven...
:'''Steven''': I should go. I don't wanna wake up the Gems.
:'''Connie''': But they don't even sleep!
:'''Steven''': Uh, bye!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While trying to help in Bismuth's workshop]''
:'''Steven''': Ooh, look at that. Now you have ''two'' anvils.
:'''Bismuth''': Noooo! My anvil! My beautiful anvil!
:'''Steven''': Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, my work here is done. Well, toodles!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connie''': Steven!
:'''Steven''': Huh?
:'''Connie''': I knew it! You ''are'' swelling and glowing again. I've been trying to call you, but I came as soon as I saw this. ''[holds out her phone, on which Steven, glowing and swelled up, is doing the plant Steven's dance and looping the message &quot;Steven's here to help!&quot;]'' What is going on?
:'''Steven''': I... broadcast my subconscious sometimes these days. It's really no big deal.
:'''Connie''': Okay, but... I can tell something is bothering you. ''[holds out her phone again; the message makes some statics]''
:'''Steven''': Ah, I don't know what you're talking about. I'm fine! Awesome, in fact. Come on, you've seen me when I wasn't doing well.
:'''Greg''': Steven, if being like this is what you want, then we'll support you one hundred percent. Whatever makes you happy. But, if you're not happy, if something's wrong-
:'''Steven''': Nothing's wrong! Besides, I don't want you to worry.
:'''Connie''': We ''are'' worried!
:'''Greg''': Steven, you know you can tell us anything.
:'''Steven''': It's not that easy! You know what? I don't have to deal with this! ''[walks towards the door, but Amethyst, Pearl, and Connie block his way]''
:'''Amethyst''': Hold up, dude.
:'''Garnet''': Steven, you need to stop running.
:'''Greg''': Please.
:''[Steven starts groaning in frustration, his head briefly swelling out of shape]''
:'''Connie''': Steven, we should get you back to the hospital.
:'''Amethyst and Pearl''': HOSPITAL?!
:'''Pearl''': When were you in the hospital?!
:'''Connie''': You didn't tell them?!
:'''Steven''': 	''[becoming hysterical, starting to laugh uneasily]'' It wasn't that important, you guys! You're making a big deal out of nothing. Have I done some things wrong? Sure! I trashed the house today, I broke an anvil - what teenager hasn't? Dad and I had a little disagreement, but that's practically a rite of passage! I mean, it would be weird if we didn't, right? And ''maybe'' I've had a not-so-nice thought or two about, like, you know, slamming White Diamond's head through a pillar, but it's not like I actually went through with it! I only ''actually'' shattered Jasper!
:''[Pearl gasps in horrified shock]''
:'''Amethyst''': WHAT?!
:''[Garnet, Connie, and Greg gasp]''
:'''Connie''': You're- you're joking, right?
:'''Steven''': Oh, don't worry! I fixed that too! I can fix ''anything!'' I can just keep messing up and fixing things forever, and you'll never have to know or think about any of it!
:'''Garnet''': Steven...
:'''Steven''': ''[sighs as he finally loses it]'' How messed up is that? That I've gotten away with this for so long? You have ''no'' idea how bad I am! Y-You think I'm so great, and I'm so mature, and I always know what to do! But ''that's'' not true! I haven't learned a thing from my problems! They've all just made me worse! You all think of me as some angel, but I'm not that kid anymore! ''[close-up on his scowl]'' I'm a fraud. ''[falls to the floor as his breaths become shaky]'' I'm a fraud. I'm a MONSTER! ''[massive pink spikes burst out of his back, tearing his shirt with everyone taking  a step back, with plain terror]''

===''I Am My Monster''===
:'''Greg''': ''[calling out]'' Just calm down, son! Take deep breaths! Deep breaths!
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah! Relax, buddy!
:'''Peridot''': Let's hurry up and clobber that thing!
:'''Garnet''': Stand down.
:'''Peridot''': What for?!
:'''Lapis''': Where's Steven?
:'''Garnet''': That ''is'' Steven.
:'''Peridot, Bismuth, &amp; Lapis''': ''[shocked]'' '''WHAT?!'''
:''[Monster Steven bashes his head against the cliff of the temple, causing an avalanche of boulders to fall]''
:'''Garnet''': RUN!
:'''Amethyst''': He's not listening to us at all!
:'''Pearl''': What happened to him? First, he says he's a shatterer and then he's turned into this...''thing''!
:'''Connie''': We can change him back, can't we?
:'''Garnet''': As long as he believes he's a monster, he'll ''stay'' one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Spinel''': ''[jumps out of the Diamond ship, holding Steven's flip flop]'' You forgot your foot thong thingy! ''[sees Steven as a monster]'' OOOH, OH!
:''[The Diamonds walk out of the ship]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What is going on here?
:'''White Diamond''': Why is something like this ''always'' happening when we show up for a visit?
:'''Blue Diamond''': What is that thing?
:'''Garnet''': That &quot;thing&quot; is Steven.
:''[Blue, White Diamond, and Spinel gasp in shock]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': WHAT?!
:'''White Diamond''': Impossible!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Is he corrupted?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': But how?
:'''Garnet''': Never mind that. We have to change him back.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Leave it to me. ''[she catches Monster Steven's head in an energy aura and tries to shrink it down, only for it to revert back immediately, to her confusion]'' With my new power, I should be able to alter his physical form.
:'''Blue Diamond''': He's resisting. Maybe he needs to feel better first. I can help with that. ''[she sends a cloud of joy towards Monster Steven, but he blows it right back]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Look out! ''[the cloud hits her and Spinel, and they start laughing uncontrollably]'' Wow! Your new power didn't work either!
:'''White Diamond''': ''[pushes Yellow and Blue aside and approaches Monster Steven]'' Enough. I know exactly how to help. If I connect with him and he speaks through me, maybe we'll understand what he's going through. Now then, do you hear me, Steven? ''[her gem glows and the atmosphere's colors change]'' Just relax and let me in… Wait-- ''[her eyes glow, and she cries out and falls back as Yellow and Blue catch her]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': White!
:'''Blue Diamond''': What happened?!
:'''White Diamond''': ''[horrified]'' That's ''not'' Steven anymore!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': Guys, look! The Cluster is trying to hold Steven back!
:'''Peridot''': I can't believe it! He's even stronger than the Cluster!
:'''Bismuth''': Don't let your guard down. He could break free at any moment!
:'''Pearl''': Deep inside this…monster, Steven must be in there, so angry.
:'''Amethyst''': I knew something was going on. I- Why didn't I ''do'' something?!
:'''Sapphire''': ''[crying]'' If we don't get through to him, he'll stay like this ''forever!'' ''[starts sobbing along with Ruby while Lapis watches]''
:'''Amethyst''': ''[to Greg as he takes a few steps back]'' Dude, you should get outta here before you get hurt!
:'''Greg''': ''[stomps his foot]'' NO! Everytime Gem stuff happens, I run the other way! This is ''my'' son! And he's right to be angry, because I didn't protect him!
:'''Blue Diamond''': ''[tearing up; crying]'' You didn't protect him from us! He's like this because of us!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''[crying]'' ''We're'' the source of Steven's suffering!
:'''Spinel''': ''[breaks down, sobbing hysterically and blowing her nose into her pigtails]'' THIS IS ''MY'' FAULT!
:'''White Diamond''': ''[crying]'' Spinel, don't be silly. Everyone knows that all of this is because of ''me!''
:'''Spinel''': No, it's ME! I tried to wipe his friends' memories, so he would die alone on a barren world!
:'''White Diamond''': ''[crying and sobbing]'' That was because you were angry with Pink! And if Pink hurt you, it was because ''I'' hurt ''her!'' Like I hurt Yellow and Blue and Steven and everyone in the entire universe! This is all ''my'' fault!
:'''Connie''': YES, it is! ''[rides in on Lion]'' Yes, you hurt him, but this isn't the time to make this all about you! That is not helping! Maybe Steven would care how sad you are, because he always puts everyone else's feelings first! But he can't do that for you right now, because he needs ''us'' this time! We all have Steven when we needed him. But the only person who's never had Steven is Steven! He's ''always'' been there for us, so… how can we be there for him now?
:''[Ruby and Sapphire smile and fuse back into Garnet]''
:'''Garnet''': I know how. 
:''[Monster Steven breaks free of the Cluster's hand, defeats it and charges at the beach]''
:'''Garnet''': Okay! No time to waste. Yellow, make me as big as him!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Right.
:'''Garnet''': Blue, lift everyone up!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Of course.
:'''Garnet''': Everyone, get in line!
:'''Greg''': You got it!
:'''Garnet''': It's time to show Steven… some love.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': ''[hugging her arms tightly around Monster Steven while he's struggling; calmly]'' Steven, when I fell apart, you were there for me. I want to be there for ''you'' now. I'm here, Steven. I'm here.
:'''Lapis''': This is working? You hear us? Steven! ''[comes and hugs him]''
:''[Everyone comes in for the hug too]''
:'''Greg''': I'm here, Schtu-Ball! Whatever you need, I'll make it happen! You hear me?!
:'''Peridot''': Steven! You never gave up on me for some reasons I don't understand! I'll do the same for you!
:'''Amethyst''': I know you feel bad! Believe me, I get it! Sometimes it feels like you're never gonna like yourself but… it's possible, man!
:'''Pearl''': Steven, I know how awful it feels to keep a part of yourself secret! You shouldn't have to hide anything from me!
:''[Monster Steven stammers emotionally, and the Cluster's hand reappears and takes his]''
:'''Connie''': ''[jumps off Lion's head and lands on Monster Steven's nose, walks closer to his face and hugs him; sighs]'' Steven… you must have been ''so'' afraid to show us this side of yourself. But we're not going anywhere. We're all gonna take care of you the same way you took care of us. You know what? I don't have your powers, but… ''[kisses him with a pink droplet appearing]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[wakes up, back to his normal human-self, still crying]'' Huh? ''[looks and sees everyone smiling at him]'' Wha…I… Did-Did I-I'm- ''[Lion pops up and licks him; chuckling]'' Lion. ''[hugs Lion]'' Lion! ''[begins sobbing, letting out his emotions]''

===''The Future''===
:'''Jasper''': ''[bursts through the wall, staying aloof]'' Heard you’re leaving. ''[faces at Steven]'' I’m coming with you!
:'''Steven''': Jasper, I’m going ''alone.''
:'''Jasper''': Then who will protect you?!
:'''Steven''': I can protect myself.
:'''Jasper''': ''[sighs disappointingly, scowls]'' I know. ''[punches a hole in the ground and looks the opposite direction]'' Farewell, my Diamond. ''[headbutts the wall, creating another Jasper-shaped hole next to the previous one, walks through it]''
:'''Steven''': Whoa! Even Jasper's more upset than my own family! Maybe I need a round two?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Garnet''': I couldn't resist looking into your future. I peeked, and I saw a possibility that our tears would keep you from leaving. But I also saw many paths ahead of you, and we are a part of ''all'' of them. Wherever you end up, we will visit you to talk, to listen, to be there – whenever you need us. We love you, Steven.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
[[Category:2010s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American LGBT-related comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American LGBT-related comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American LGBT-related drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American LGBT-related drama TV shows]]
[[Category:American sequel TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
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[[Category:Steven Universe]]</text>
      <sha1>rgslyag3dmqsdj02gxhsap9peq9sr2x</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>The Orville</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>222696</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147570</id>
      <parentid>3147190</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:53:17Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ooznoz</username>
        <id>2443114</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* From Unknown Graves [3.7] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="77432" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''The Orville''''' is a [[w:Science fiction|science fiction]] [[w:Comedy-drama|comedy-drama]] television series created by and starring [[Seth MacFarlane]] for the [[w:Fox Broadcasting Company|Fox Broadcasting Company]]. The series relates the adventures of Captain Ed Mercer, his first officer (and ex-wife) Kelly Grayson, and the crew of the ''Orville'' as they embark on various diplomatic and exploratory missions.

==Season 1==
===''Old Wounds'' [1.01]===
:''[Mercer and Gordon see the'' Orville ''for the first time from the window of their shuttle.]''
:'''Ed Mercer''': It's not bad, right?
:'''Gordon Malloy''': No, it's good. You paint some flames on the side, maybe like a rainbow unicorn, you got something.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': All right, Lieutenant Commander Bortus, our second officer. You know, I've never met a single-gender species before. Your entire species is male, isn't it?
:'''Bortus''': That is correct, sir.
:'''Mercer''': So, there's probably not a lot of arguments about leaving the toilet seat up and that kind of thing, right?
:'''Bortus''': ''[deadpan tone]'' No. Moclans urinate only once per year.
:'''Mercer''': Really? That's... Me, I'm-I'm up two, three times a night.
:'''Bortus''': ''[deadpan]'' That is unfortunate.
:'''Mercer''': ''[chagrined]'' It is.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''John LaMarr''': Figured I'd introduce myself since we're gonna be working full shifts together.
:'''Gordon''': ''[in good humor]'' Translation: You want to make sure I'm not a jerk.
:'''LaMarr''': Something like that.
:'''Gordon''': ''[facetiously]'' Dude, I'm such a jerk, it's ridiculous.
:'''LaMarr''': ''[also facetious]'' Okay, well, so am I, so this is gonna work out great.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[The'' Orville ''officers witness a demonstration of a quantum-time accelerator, which rapidly ages a banana.]''
:'''Mercer''': ''[unimpressed]'' So, it's an anti-banana ray.
:'''Kelly Grayson''': ''[also unimpressed]'' It's really interesting.
:'''Mercer''': We need no longer fear the banana.
:'''Kelly''': Does it work on all fruit?
:'''Mercer''': What about salads?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Door's jammed. Alara. You want to open this jar of pickles for me? (''a line which will be a running gag throughout Season one'')
:''[Using her superhuman strength, security chief Alara Kitan knocks down the huge door and parts of the surrounding wall.]''
:'''Mercer''': I loosened it for you.

===''Command Performance'' [1.02]===
:'''Bortus''': ''[noticing the stuffed animal on Mercer's desk]'' What is that?
:'''Mercer''': That is, uh, [[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]].
:'''Bortus''': I do not recognize the species.
:'''Mercer''': It's an amphibious life-form from Earth. 
:'''Bortus''': Is it someone you know?
:'''Mercer''': No, no, he's just a leader I admire. Always keeps his cool in a crisis, inspires greatness in his people. He's... so what can I do for you?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Alara Kitan''': Eggs?
:'''Mercer''': That's what he said. Moclans reproduce by laying eggs, which I never knew.
:'''John LaMarr''': Well, where does it come out of? The butt?
:'''Mercer''': You know, John, I didn't really pry into those kinds of specifics.
:'''LaMarr''': ''[to Gordon]'' How's that not the first thing you ask?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': There is a matter I wish to discuss with you.
:'''Calivon zoo administrator''': If you're gonna try and sell me that Xelayan female, I've already got one.
:'''Isaac''': She is not for sale. She is...  my pet.
:'''Alara''': ''[snidely]'' Woof.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Mercer and Kelly are about to be killed by criss-crossing lasers closing in on them.]''
:'''Mercer''': Oh, God. No, no, no. Uh, uh... ''I'm going to the bathroom to read!''
:''[The lasers abruptly stop.]''
:'''Kelly''': What the hell was that?
:'''Mercer''': It was... [[w:Elvis Presley|Elvis Presley's]] last words. It was all I could think of.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Calivon worker #1''': ''[[w:The Batchelor (American TV series)|The Batchelor]]''. ''[[w:Duck Dynasty|Duck Dynasty]]''. ''[[w:Keeping Up with the Kardashians|Keeping Up with the Kardashians]]''. 
:'''Calivon worker #2''': There must be ten thousand files here. What is this [[w:Reality television|reality television]]?
:'''Calivon zoo administrator''': The best exhibit we've ever had.

===''About a Girl'' [1.03]===
:'''Isaac''': Captain, I do not understand the reason for this conflict. Would the gender alteration procedure harm the infant or endanger her life?
:'''Kelly''': There are different kinds of harm, Isaac. Psychological harm, for one. I'd have been pretty pissed off if my parents had made the unilateral decision to make me a guy. 
:'''Mercer''': And while it might have saved me an entire marriage if they had, it still would have been wrong.
:'''Kelly''': ''[snippy]'' Oh, thanks.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Having just watched [[w:Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (TV special)|Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer]], Bortus has become very taken and inspired by it.]''
:'''Bortus''': Of ''course''. Without Rudolph's nose, Santa would not have been able to complete his voyage. 
:'''LaMarr''': Looks like Santa got pretty lucky, huh?
:'''Bortus''': Christmas would have been ruined had Rudolph had been euthanized at birth, as his father wished.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, I don't... I don't know if ''that'' was ever on the table.
:'''Bortus''': What was ''clearly'' a deformity became a supreme advantage. One can never know.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Bortus''': &quot;Between soul and sacrifice beats the heart of civilization.&quot;
:'''Kelly''': What's that from?
:'''Bortus''': It is from a novel by Gondus Elden, a Moclan writer of great esteem. It is customary to respond with a fitting passage from the literature of one's own planet.
:'''Kelly''': ... &quot;''[[w:Survivor (Destiny's Child song)|I'm a survivor. I'm not gon' give up. I'm not  gon' stop. I'm-a work harder.]]''&quot;
:'''Bortus''': Those are words of great power. Who wrote them?
:'''Mercer''': I think it was actually about fifteen different people.
:'''Bortus''': They must be very wise, these fifteen people.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Lieutenant Malloy, I'm gonna ask you a few questions that one might find on any basic test of adult knowledge. 
:'''Gordon''': Go for it.
:'''Kelly''': ''[low]'' These are gonna be kind of hard for you. Sorry.
:'''Gordon''': ''[low]'' It's okay, Commander. It's for the baby.
:'''Kelly''': Let's start off with some Earth history. A few hundred years ago, the continents of Earth were divided into separate nation states with individual sovereign governments. What was the capital of the United States of America?
:'''Gordon''': Um... pass.
:'''Kelly''': No, it's-it's not a 'pass' kind of thing. Just give me your closest guess. 
:'''Gordon''': What was the capital of the United States of America? [[w:Nabisco|Nabisco]]?
:'''Kelly''': No.
:'''Gordon''': The moon?
:'''Kelly''': Let's move on. What are the four chambers of the human heart?
:'''Gordon''': [[w:Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (film)|The chamber of secrets]], the chamber of horrors, the chamber of....
:'''Kelly''': No, no, let me get you halfway. There's the left and the right ventricle ant the left and the right...
:'''Gordon''': ... I would like to switch to movie trivia.
:'''Kelly''': Let's try one more. In the year 2056, which genetic engineer discovered how to target and eradicate individual cancer cells?
:'''Gordon''': Doctor... [[w:Bill Nye the Science Guy|Bill Nye the Cancer Guy]]?
:'''Kelly''': ''[to the tribunal]'' Well, my point is made. While this male may be the fleet's best pilot, he's also an idiot. (''low, to Gordon'') Sorry, Gordon.
:'''Gordon''': Totally okay.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Heveena''': &quot;The blackest abyss is a pock in the flesh when one has gazed in solitude upon the Infinity of self.&quot;
:'''Kagus''': You dare to use the words of Gondus Elden to serve your own purposes?! If he were here, he would ''spit'' on you for that!
:'''Heveena''': Would he? ''[approaches Kagus]'' Why don't you ask him?
:''[Murmurs come from the tribunal's audience.]''
:'''Kagus''': ''[stunned]'' No...
:'''Bortus''': I do not believe it.
:'''Kelly''': Well, look at that. Your planet's greatest writer... is a female.
:'''Heveena''': There are many ways to contribute to society, Advocate. This was mine.

===''If the Stars Should Appear'' [1.04]===
:'''Gordon''': ''[sighs]'' Star-mapping has got to be the most boring damn job there is. I'd rather have brunch with my parents.
:'''LaMarr''': Uh, I'd rather have brunch with my parents and their parents.
:'''Gordon''': I'd rather have brunch with my parents and their really good friends who they haven't seen in a while, who just got back from a vacation in Florida and took lots of pictures while visiting their daughter, who just had a brand new baby.
:'''LaMarr''': That just made me want to kill myself.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Kelly is being brutally interrogated by the worldship's theocratic dictator, Hamelac, and his Enforcers.]''
:'''Hamelac''': One more time. Who are you, and where are the others?
:'''Kelly''': I already told you, you stupid son-of-a-bitch. Our vessel encountered yours drifting in space, and we're trying to help you before you fall into that star and get your nuts burned off.
:'''Hamelac''': And I told you you're lying, because there is no such place. Again. Where are your friends?
:'''Kelly''': Well, last time I saw them, one of them was banging your mom, and the other one was high-fiving him.
:''[An Enforcer punches Kelly hard across the face.]''
:'''Hamelac''': Where... are... your... friends?
:'''Kelly''': ''[softly]'' Okay. I'll tell you. ''[speaking up]'' [[w:Friends|There's a little coffee shop on Lafayette Street in Soho called &quot;Central Perk.&quot; My friends are there.]] Just please... don't hurt [[w:Marcel (Friends)|the monkey]].

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Hamelac''': Is it possible that there's more to this universe than what we see. ''Yes'', it's possible!
:'''Dr. Claire Finn''': Then for God's sake, why don't you let us help you? We can try to repair your ship.
:'''Hamelac''': To do as you say would shatter our entire way of life. This world is not ready.
:'''Mercer''': No, you mean ''you're'' not ready to give up control over these people.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Claire''': ''&quot;If the stars should appear one night in a thousand years, how would men believe and adore and preserve for many generations the remembrance of the City of God.&quot;''
:'''Mercer''': Is that [[Shakespeare]]?
:'''Claire''': [[Emerson]].
:'''Mercer''': William Byron Emerson, yes, yes.
:'''Claire''': Ralph Waldo.
:'''Mercer''': Ralph Waldo. Lord Ralph Waldo [[Keats]]... David [[Thoreau]], yes.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kemka''': Thank you. For everything.
:'''Kelly''': Don't thank us. We just gave you back what was already yours.
:'''Kemka''': Yes. Our future.

===''Pria'' [1.05]===
:'''Isaac''': ''[trying to understand humor]'' But to derive mirth from the pain of another being is sadism, is it not?
:'''Mercer''': I  mean, it's case by case. Like, if a guy on a bike tries to do a trick, and he smashes his balls, that's funny.
:'''Bortus''': I would agree.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Captain, respectfully submit that the attractiveness of the ship's occupant makes the rescue imperative.
:'''LaMarr''': ''I'' could do it.
:'''Isaac''': The star's gravity will cause the comet to break apart in seven minutes, 23 seconds.
:'''LaMarr''': ''[to Gordon]'' ''You'' could do it.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': How many times have you done this (''forcibly taken ships and people into the future)?
:'''Pria''': When we get to my century, I'll introduce you to [[w:Amelia Earhart|Amelia Earhart]].

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Well, it's good to know teleportation is in our future.
:'''Pria''': You can take a breath in New York and exhale it in Paris.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': You know what the most depressing part about this is? I allowed myself to care about you, and you used me. And despite all of your claims that you still care about me, not once have you even said, &quot;I'm sorry.&quot;
:'''Pria''': It's a good rule in life never to apologize. The right kind of people never want apologies, and the wrong kind take advantage of them.
:'''Mercer''': Fair enough.

===''Krill'' [1.06]===
:'''Alara''': Apparently, having a girlfriend with ten times your physical strength makes a guy feel emasculated.
:'''LaMarr''': Wow, you're just gonna have to date Isaac here.
:'''Isaac''': I am fascinated by the interpersonal behavior of biological organisms. I would be happy to attempt sexual relations with you, Lieutenant.
:''[Everyone at the table falls into an embarrassed silence.]''
:'''Alara''': ''[strained]'' ... I'm actually just sort of working on myself right now. Um... (''clears her throat''), but thanks.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Captain Haros''': This chapel is a recreation of the one in which I worshiped as a child.
:'''Mercer/&quot;Chris&quot;''': Well, I guess it's true what they say: &quot;Rank has its privileges.&quot;
:'''Haros''': I have never heard that aphorism. Who says it?
:'''Mercer/&quot;Chris&quot;''': Oh. I... I guess it's me who says it.
:'''Haros''': it is a wise observation.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[at an evening meal]'' 
:'''Teleya''': Thank you, Avis, for this our sustenance, that it may provide strength and perseverance. ''[to the disguised Mercer and Ed]'' Would you like to say a blessing?
:'''Ed/&quot;Devon&quot;''': ''[bowing his head]'' Um... [[w:Avis Car Rental|Avis. We try harder.]]

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[during a classroom Q &amp; A]''
:'''Krill child''': Why doesn't the union believe in Avis?
:'''Ed/&quot;Devon&quot;''': Well, they worship their own god called [[w:The Hertz Corporation|Hertz]].
:'''Coja''': Do humans have souls?
:'''Teleya''': Of course not, Coja. 
:'''Coja''': Then how can they talk? Or make spaceships?
:'''Teleya''': A computer can talk. That does not mean it has a soul. Remember the ''Anhkana'' (''the Krill &quot;Bible&quot;''). &quot;Judge not a stranger by his sheath, but by his sword.&quot;

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[defending his killing of the Krill crew]'' Our mission was in the interest of peace. But your crew was going to murder a hundred thousand people. What the hell else could I have done?
:'''Teleya''': Why did you save the children?
:'''Mercer''': They're kids. With their whole lives ahead of them. They're not my enemies.
:'''Teleya''': After what they saw you do today,... they will be. ''They will be.''

===''Majority Rule'' [1.07]===
:''[Mercer sees the landing party dressed for an undercover mission in 21st century-style clothes.]'' 
:'''Mercer''': My God, you guys look  like unemployed backup dancers.
:'''Kelly''': ''You'' want to lead this landing party?
:'''Mercer''': No, I'm too shy to wear a [[w:Crop top|crop top]].

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': So (''your world'') is an absolute democracy? 
:'''Lysella''': Yeah. How does your world work?
:'''Mercer''': We select representatives who discuss issues and enact laws.
:'''Lysella''': But what about everybody else? Everybody deserves a voice. That's what we're taught.
:'''Bortus''': A voice should be earned, not given away.
:'''Mercer''': How do you know what foods are healthiest for your children, or what medicine to take if you're sick?
:'''Lysella''': We vote.
:'''Isaac''': I believe you are confusing opinion with knowledge.
:'''Alara''': I think what he's asking  is, with so many voices at once, how do you filter out the truth?
:'''Lysella''': Well, my dad always says, &quot;The majority ''are'' the truth.&quot; I mean, you always know what the majority wants. That's what matters.
:'''Mercer''': Well, you always know what the ''mob'' wants, too. And right now, the mob wants to lobotomize my navigator.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Isaac is flooding the planet's master opinion poll with false, albeit favorable, information about LaMarr to influence the Final Vote in his favor.]''
:'''Claire''': What if people try to corroborate all this information?
:'''Lysella''': Don't worry. They won't.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''LaMarr''': ''[having narrowly escaped the planetary punishment]'' Real quick, I just want to say, ''all'' y'all can suck ass, and I'm a spaceman.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Lysella, thank you.
:'''Lysella''': No. Thank ''you'' for letting me see all of this. I just wish I could tell somebody.
:'''Claire''': Well, all you need to tell them is that their world can do better.

===''Into the Fold'' [1.08]===
:'''Isaac''': Dr. Finn. I look forward to joining you and your offspring on this recreational outing. It will give me an opportunity to observe human familial dynamics at close range.
:'''Claire''': Crap.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': Your commands have little to no effect on (''your children's'') behavior. Perhaps you should reevaluate your method of controlling them. ''[gets hit on the back of the head by a flying portable video game]''
:'''Claire''': Just what I need. Parenting tips from a talking hubcap.
:'''Isaac''': ''[slightly surprised]'' You harbor prejudice against artificial life-forms.
:'''Claire''': Only against life-forms that think they're better than everyone else.
:'''Isaac''': I ''am'' better than everyone else.
:'''Claire''': Oh, and so modest.
:'''Isaac''': It was not intended as a boast. Merely a statement of fact. My only directive is to study human behavior in the interest of relations between Kaylon and the Union.
:'''Claire''': You want to improve relations? Don't tell a mother how to raise her kids.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Barry Manilow's &quot;[[w:Somewhere Down the Road (Barry Manilow song)|Somewhere Down the Road]]&quot; plays in the engineering room while the crew does systems upgrades.]''
:'''LaMarr''': Hey, uh, Steve? You think we could change the music? Something less depressing?
:'''Chief Engineer Newton''': You got to get cultured, my friend. [[w:Barry Manilow|Barry Manilow]] was an underappreciated genius of his time.
:'''LaMarr''': Then how come I want to throw myself out the airlock?
:'''Yaphit''': I got to say, watching your corpse drift away to this music would be so peaceful.
:''[Mercer enters and hears the song.]'' 
:'''Mercer''': ''[sighing]'' Oh, God, Manilow was a genius.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Marcus''': Mom... I'm... I'm sorry that I didn't want to go on the trip. And I'm sorry I said you suck. I didn't mean it.
:'''Claire''': Marcus. Listen to me. People say things they don't mean when they're angry. You know how sometimes I yell at you and your brother if you something wrong? Well, you know I still love you with all my heart, right?
:'''Marcus''': Uh-huh.
:'''Claire''': And I know you love me right back. So it's all okay. You understand?
:'''Marcus''': Yeah.
:'''Claire''': I know you love your brother, too. So, right now, I want you to help Isaac take care of him. Do you understand?
:'''Marcus''': Yes, ma'am.
:'''Claire''': Good. I love you.
:'''Marcus''': I love you, too.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': May I make a final observation? Your children are unruly, disrespectful, volatile, and highly unpredictable. I am quite fond of them.
:'''Claire''': Welcome to the family.

===''Cupid's Dagger'' [1.09]===
:'''Mercer''': Did you hear what he said just now? He goes, he goes 'I am entitled to my feelings and the space to express them.' My God, thank you for lighting me on fire and then giving me ''permission'' to be in pain.

===''Firestorm'' [1.10]===
:'''Newton''': ''[delivering Lt. Harrison Payne's eulogy]'' Hey, guys. Thanks for coming. Harrison was a great guy. We met at camp the summer after eighth grade when he gave me the [[w:Heimlich maneuver|Heimlich maneuver]] after I accidentally swallowed a wine cork. Harrison and I went through a lot together. He was my best friend. And it's fitting that his last name was &quot;Payne&quot;, because he probably died in a lot of it. Which is exactly the kind of thing he would find funny, in case any one was planning to get mad at me. Anyway... Rest in  peace, Harrison. You were the best.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': It's a little short for a condolence letter.
:'''Mercer''': I know, I ''suck'' at these things. I don't want to make it sound too generic, but I hardly knew the man, so I-I just got nothing to go on.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, but look how you open it: &quot;Dear Mr. and Mrs. Payne, I'm deeply sorry for your loss. Your son was such a neat guy.&quot; I mean, that's.. that's terrible.
:'''Mercer''': I'm not a writer, okay?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Wait, what if we all ''died'' in that plasma storm, and this is actually some kind of [[w:Purgatory|Purgatory]]. 
:'''LaMarr''': ''How'' would we know we were in Purgatory? What's Purgatory even like?
:'''Kelly''': You ever been married?
:'''LaMarr''': No.
:'''Mercer''': It's like that.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': This is gonna sound like I'm talking out of my ass.
:'''Isaac''': Then please try to enunciate.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Alara''': So, who's afraid of clowns?
:'''LaMarr''': That's me.
:'''Alara''': You really ''are'' afraid of clowns?
:'''LaMarr''': ''[getting nervous]'' Yes. ''Please'' stop saying the &quot;C&quot; word.
:'''Alara''': And the abyss?
:'''Claire''': Heights. My phobia.
:'''Alara''': What about the sickbay mess?
:'''Gordon''': That's me. Scared to death of surgery. I had a [[w:Skin tag|skin tag]] removed once, total panic attack.
:'''Mercer''': The spiders came from me. I'm a bit of an arachnophobe.
:'''Isaac''': Commander Grayson cited a fear of isolation, with which I conceived the empty ship.
:'''Alara''': That just leaves crazy psycho Isaac.
:'''Kelly''': You can thank Bortus for that one.
:'''Alara''': ''[regards Bortus, realizes]'' Fear of being conquered by a superior enemy.
:'''Bortus''': I am feeling very self-conscious. May I leave?
:'''Mercer''': Uh, sure. ''[Bortus leaves the room]''

===''New Dimensions'' [1.11]===
:'''Kelly''': Generally, when someone's as smart as you are, they make productive use of it.
:'''LaMarr''': Well, with all due respect, Commander, that's ''my'' business.
:'''Kelly''': Lieutenant, have you ever studied the history of money?
:'''LaMarr''': Not really. I know people used to use it to buy houses and sandwiches and stuff.
:'''Kelly''': Exactly. It became obsolete with the invention of matter synthesis. The predominant currency became reputation. 
:'''LaMarr''': Yeah, so?
:'''Kelly''': My point is, human ambition didn't vanish. The only thing that changed was how we quantify wealth. People still want to be rich, only now rich means being the best at what you do.
:'''LaMarr''': Not everybody wants that. Some people like to keep it simple. Some people want to go to work, go home, drink a beer and pass out.
:'''Kelly''': Are you one of those people?
:'''LaMarr''': I am very fond of drinking beer and passing out, yes.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Captain Blavaroch''': ''Grahj-kalooga''.
:'''Mercer''': Anybody speak Horbalak?
:'''Isaac''': The direct translation is, &quot;You can shove it up your--&quot;
:'''Mercer''': Okay, got it, got it.
:'''Isaac''': Do you wish to hear the rest of the translation?
:'''Mercer''': No, no, I-I get the gist.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''LaMarr''': I think we could create a stable quantum bubble inside the shuttle, and preserve three-dimensional space.
:'''Claire''': So, the outside would be squashed, but the inside wouldn't.
:'''Mercer''': More space inside than out, just like [[w:The Doctor|Doctor Who]]'s [[w:TARDIS|phone booth]].
:'''Kelly''': Or [[w:Oscar the Grouch|Oscar the Grouch]]'s can.
:'''LaMarr''': Or [[w:Snoopy|Snoopy]]'s doghouse, yeah.
:'''Claire''': The miracles of quantum physics.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''LaMarr''': ''[to the engineering crew]'' Now you listen to me, and you listen good. Yaphit's a member of our team, and you're gonna treat him that way. He had an idea and I thought it was a good one. ''I'' made the decision to go with it. So if you want to blame somebody, you blame me. It's ''my'' fault. And now maybe people will ''believe'' me when I say I am ''not'' a ''commander''! Now get back to work.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Excuse my bluntness, but... why do you hide your brains?
:'''LaMarr''': The colony where I'm from was brand-new, lot of farmers, lot of builders. They didn't trust anyone who was too much of an egghead. You'd be surprised how fast you can alienate people when you're always right. I wanted to be liked, accepted. Just became habit, I guess.

===''Mad Idolatry'' [1.12]===
:'''Isaac''': Commander, I remind you to use caution. Any contact with a culture that primitive (''[[w:Bronze Age|Bronze Age]]-level'') --
:'''Kelly''': ''[a bit snappish]'' Yeah, I know. Cultural contamination. I don't need you to remind me of the rules.
:'''Isaac''': ''[somewhat put out]'' I am merely attempting to be helpful, Commander. There is no need to be -- what does Captain Mercer call it -- &quot;pissy&quot;.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Mercer hasn't included Kelly's contact with a planetary local in his report to the Admiral.]''
:'''Kelly''': Why didn't you tell her?
:'''Mercer''': You helped out a kid, that's all. And cultural contamination of a society that undeveloped is a serious charge. I just don't want to have to come visit you in prison.
:'''Kelly''': Really? You wouldn't want to visit a woman's prison?
:'''Mercer''': You're right, I'll call her back.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[The 'Kelly' blessing]''
:'''Kelly''': Um... I hope your kid grows up and, uh... does a lot of good stuff. And... um...
:'''Gordon''': ''[aside]'' And doesn't get any girls pregnant.
:'''Kelly''': And doesn't get any girls pregnant! Stay in school.
:'''Gordon''': Amen.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Look, there's been a little misunderstanding. I'm not who you think I am.
:'''Valondis''': But you are. Healer of men. Divine hand of the heavens. God of all creation.
:'''Alara''': Man, this guy'd be the perfect boyfriend.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Female planetary representative''': Our society has become a space-faring culture with ships spread out across the galaxy. In our home universe, that is. But we wouldn't have gotten where we are without growing pains.
:'''Male planetary representative''': ''[to Kelly]'' Our planet worshiped you as a deity for many centuries. But had it not been you, the mythology would have found another face. It's part of every culture's evolution. It's one of the stages of learning. And eventually, it brought us here.
:'''Female planetary representative''': So you see, Commander, you didn't poison our culture with false faith. We flourish. ''You'' must have faith in reason, in discovery, and in the endurance of the logical mind.

==Season 2==
===''Ja'loja'' [2.01]===
:'''Mercer''': ''[having drinks with Alara at the mess hall bar]'' You know, there are times when I feel like you and I are more alike than any two people on the ship.
:'''Alara''': How so?
:'''Mercer''': Well, we both know we're good at our jobs, and yet we also seem to be the only two people who are haunted by this little voice that's always whispering that we don't really deserve to be here. And we're both alcoholics.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Mercer is briefing the senior officers about Bortus' ''ja'loja'', a Moclan's annual urination ceremony.]''
:'''Mercer''': Okay. Now, I know this is gonna sound utterly insane to most of you and your first instinct may be to laugh, but we're all going to take this seriously, so I don't want to hear any jokes, no snide remarks, nothing.
:''[later]''
:'''Mercer''': ''[innocently]'' Bortus, if you need any time off to make preparations, feel free to relieve yourself.
:''[Gordon snickers and Mercer, realizing what he's just said, hangs his head, embarrassed.]''
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Bortus]'' No, it's-it's okay, man. He's just taking the piss out of you.
:'''Mercer''': ''[immediately]'' Okay, that's it. Dismissed. We're done. We're done.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': ''[regarding Ty's piano playing]'' Very, good, Ty. You have been practicing.
:'''Ty''': Yeah. Mom makes me practice a half hour every day. How long did it take ''you'' to learn piano?
:'''Isaac''': Approximately one-millionth of a [[w:Nanosecond|nanosecond]]. 
:'''Ty''': Wow.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[giving Cassius advice on dating Kelly]'' Here's my theory. A woman can't really love a man unless he's part dope. Be a little stupid every day, and ''really'' stupid once in a while, but... just don't be perfect.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Bortus''': ''[commencing his'' Ja'loja ''ceremony]'' In the sight of those who stand with me, and those for whom I would sacrifice my being, I begin... the Release.

===''Primal Urges'' [2.02]===
:'''LaMarr''': Man, ten planets gobbled up by a hungry star. Remind me not to be on Earth when that happens to us.
:'''Isaac''': Earth's sun will not become a red supergiant for another five billion years, Commander. You will be long deceased and forgotten.
:'''LaMarr''': ''[laughs]'' There's gonna be some ladies still talking about ''me''.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Topa''': ''[picking at his food]'' Papa, can I be all done now?
:'''Bortus''': No, Topa. Finish your ''plokta''. Remember: if you do not eat, you will die.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Why the hell is dealing with Moclan culture always this difficult?
:'''Mercer''': They mutilate their female babies. They kill each other when they want a divorce. What do they do when it's someone's birthday, light the parents on fire?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': Surely, there is a more civilized means of selecting those who will be evacuated.
:'''Bortus''': I do not know, but it is their way.
:'''Isaac''': A random drawing of names is quite inefficient. It would be wiser to select the members of the society who possess the highest degree of intelligence.
:'''Bortus''': I may be a 'primitive organism', but I am happy I am ''not'' like you.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Bortus''': I have been a bad mate. I have been disrespectful. Instead of speaking my mind aloud, I have retreated into a fantasy world.
:'''Klyden''': Dr. Finn says, if you talk about it, you get rid of it.
:'''Bortus''': Klyden. I do not know that I will ever be fully at peace with what happened to Topa. But today, I  witnessed events that... l am very fortunate to have you and Topa in my life. And I do not wish to lose you again.
:'''Klyden''': I do not wish to lose you, either.

===''Home'' [2.03]===
:''[The crew insist on yet another arm wrestling match between Alara and Isaac, on which they wager.]''
:'''Isaac''': I still fail to comprehend the purpose of this ritual.
:'''Alara''': We're circus animals, Isaac. I hate to break it to you.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': ''[marveling at the Xelayan city and landscape]'' God, I just can't... I mean, ''look'' at that.
:'''Mercer''': Nothing like it.
:'''Gordon''': You know, it's places like this that make me realize... God, I'm trash. My family is trash.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Alara''': Those people (''the'' Orville ''crew'') inspired me more in a year than anyone on Xelayah did my entire life.
:'''Ildis Kitan''': Now that is the gravity sickness talking.
:'''Alara''': No, Dad, that's ''me'' talking! Open your stupid ears and listen. All I ever needed to hear from you was, &quot;You can do it.&quot; That's all. Just once. And-and maybe that would've been a lie, but I needed that, Dad. I really needed it. And you know who said it to me instead. Captain Mercer, Commander Grayson and everyone on the ''Orville''. But not my own father.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Anything new in Engineering?
:'''Kelly''': Nothing departmental, but Yaphit's six-month evaluation was last week, and he asked what our parental leave is.
:'''Mercer''': Why? Is he thinking of splitting in half?
:'''Kelly''': We can't legally ask him that.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Ildis''': ''[badly shaken]'' Alara, you... We would all have been...
:'''Alara''': You don't have to say it, Dad. It's my job. It's what I've been trying to tell you for years. 
:'''Ildis''': They would have killed us. All of us.
:'''Alara''': Probably
:'''Ildis''': ''[getting emotional]'' I don't know you. I never even ''tried'' to know you.
:'''Alara''': I ''wanted'' you to know me, Dad. All I ever wanted was for you to be proud of me.
:'''Ildis''': I am so proud. So very proud that you are my daughter. ''[on the verge of tears]'' And I'm so sorry that you got me for a father.
:''[Ildis begins crying. Alara takes his uninjured hand to comfort him.]''

===''Nothing Left on Earth Excepting Fishes'' [2.04]===
:'''Mercer''': You know, you got to pick a movie some night. I feel like I'm always the one doing it.
:'''Janel''': Well, you're doing good so far. What was that one you showed me about the taxi driver?
:'''Mercer''': ''[[w:Taxi Driver|Taxi Driver]]''.
:'''Janel''': Yeah, what was that called?
:'''Mercer''': Yeah, it was... it was called ''Taxi Driver''.
:'''Janel''': Oh, right. Yeah. ''[laughs]'' I liked that one.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Teleya''': If I was not going to kill you, I would give you some advice.
:'''Mercer''': Please. Love to hear it.
:'''Teleya''': You are painfully attentive. The failure of your marriage has caused you to overcompensate in the moment. And yet, paradoxically, despite this, your work remains your first priority. You have no balance.
:'''Mercer''': My God, you sound like my ex-wife.
:'''Teleya''': You feel entitled to educate others, but your own worldview is self-defeatingly narrow.
:'''Mercer''': Yeah, well, at least I know who [[Billy Joel]] is.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Okay. I can see I'm an open book, whether I want to be or not. I guess lately I've been feeling... bored with myself. Like, is this all I am -- a guy who drives ships from one place to another? And if I'm not enough for myself, what if that means... I'm not enough for other people?
:'''Kelly''': I hope you know that's not true. Look, just be sure you're doing this (''command training'') for the right reasons. When you're in command, the last person you think about is yourself. Make sense?
:''[Gordon nods.]''
:'''Kelly''': And by the way, if your goal is to prove how charming and awesome you are, as far as I'm concerned, you've already passed that test with flying colors.
:'''Gordon''': Thanks, Commander.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Look, from what we've seen, when planets first achieve space travel, and they venture out into the galaxy and discover that they're just one single species among a vast diversity of life-forms, they usually react in one of two ways. They embrace and adapt to the fact that they're no longer the center of the universe, or they ratchet up their xenophobia. Now, from what I've learned of your history, the Krill were a lot less fanatical before you left your home world.
:'''Teleya''': You know nothing of our history.
:'''Mercer''': I know fear when I see it. You're afraid to accept the fact that your superiority may just be a comforting myth.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Teleya''': If you believe releasing me will somehow improve relations between our people, you are indulging another fantasy.
:'''Mercer''': Defect of my species. We never give up hope.

===''All the World Is Birthday Cake'' [2.05]===
:'''Satellite technician''': Alignment complete. Transmitters at full power. Now all we need is something to say.
:'''Prefect''': Let's keep it simple. &quot;Is anyone out there?&quot;

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[having his initial interview with new security chief Talla Keyali]'' So, I know what I read in the initial report, but I wanted to hear your version. It says you punched your last captain in the face?
:'''Talla Keyali''': I did, sir.
:'''Mercer''': Knocked him out.
:'''Talla''': Out cold, yeah.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Bortus has declined having a joint birthday party with Kelly's.]''
:'''Kelly''': Why not?
:'''Bortus''': I prefer my birthday to be ''my'' day.
:'''Gordon''': He's afraid he's gonna get less stuff.
:'''Bortus''': I am not afraid.
:'''Gordon''': And he's right. Joint birthday, less stuff for everybody. It's a trap, Bortus.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Mercer and Talla are trying to negotiate with the Prefect, a firm believer in astrology, for the release of Kelly and Bortus.]''
:'''Prefect''': Why are you defending them? You ''live'' among the stars. You should understand their significance better than anyone.
:'''Talla''': We actually have this crazy system where we judge people by their actions, not their birthdates. It's kinda wacky, I know.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Talla''': Captain, I have what might be an uncomfortable question. What's gonna happen when the Regorians figure out the star is fake?
:'''Mercer''': That's actually a really good question. We just lied to an entire planet, and I don't know what the ethics of that mean. But that lie meant freedom for an entire portion of the population, so... the short answer is I don't know. 
:'''Kelly''': By the time their technology advances to the point where they know the jig is up, they may not even care anymore.

===''A Happy Refrain'' [2.06]===
:''[Mercer speaking to Gordon privately regarding Bortus' mustache]''
:'''Mercer''': Hey, um, you remember that conversation we had about ''selectivity'' with what you say to Bortus?
:'''Gordon''': Yeah.
:''[Mercer gives Gordon a look.]''
:'''Gordon''': ''[realizing]'' Oh. ''This'' would've been --
:'''Mercer''': This would've been one of those things, yeah.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': I just think, if it had a little more kick when I hit the gas, it would feel better, you know? 
:'''LaMarr''': You understand this isn't a [[w:Porsche|Porsche]], right? This is a quantum drive engine that makes a thousand trillion independent calculations every millisecond.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, I know that. I-I just like to feel a certain level of responsiveness when I'm driving.
:'''LaMarr''': Oh, okay. You want power steering, too? Maybe an air freshener shaped like a little tree?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[The bridge crew is asking Isaac about his date with Claire.]''
:'''Talla''': Did you have fun? Were there sparks?
:'''Isaac''': Sparks?
:'''Talla''': Yeah.
:'''Isaac''': Negative. There was no equipment malfunction.
:'''Mercer''': Well, you don't have to brag about it.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': There is one part of the relationship experience that you haven't yet tackled.
:'''Isaac''': Please elaborate.
:'''Mercer''': You screwed up, and now you have to win back the girl.
:'''Isaac''': Dr. Finn has made her wishes clear.
:'''Mercer''': Yeah, well, Dr. Finn is also the wisest person on board this ship. She knows how new this is to you. If she sees you making a real effort, then who knows? She just might be understanding.
:'''Isaac''': I have no experience in such matters.
:'''Mercer''': Yeah, well, there's no rule book for this one. You just have to take everything you know about her, every bit of data, and do something you've never done.
:'''Isaac''': What is that?
:'''Mercer''': Be creative.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': We are, without a doubt, the ''weirdest'' ship in the fleet.

===''Deflectors'' [2.07]===
:'''Gordon''': When Moclans break up, is there, like, all that stabbing, like with the divorce?
:'''Bortus''': No. Each Moclan extracts a tooth and leaves it with his former mate.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah. I knew it had to be something like that.
:'''Mercer''': Do you still have the tooth?
:'''Bortus''': No. It is given to the next mate.
:'''Gordon''': Let me guess. He ''eats'' it.
:'''Bortus''': That is correct.
:'''Gordon''': ''Yes!'' Man, I'm gettin' so good at this.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': You know, there's something seriously wrong with all of us when the most stable relationship on the ''Orville'' is Isaac's.
:'''LaMarr''': Yeah, man, what's your secret?
:'''Isaac''': Dr. Finn has cautioned me against speaking too openly about our coupling.
:'''Talla''': Did something happen?
:'''Gordon''': Oh, yeah. He was going around the ship asking everybody what sexual positions are most pleasurable to biological lifeforms.
:'''Isaac''': I was merely attempting to provide Dr. Finn with the most dutifully calibrated coital experience.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, no, that's what women want: dutiful coitus.
:'''LaMarr''': Hey. I'm trying to eat here.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Talla''': The galaxy is full of so many unhappy people. Why ignore something good?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Talla''': I mean, this has to be the most insane thing that's ever happened on this ship.
:'''LaMarr''': Well, one time, I almost died 'cause I humped a statue.
:'''Gordon''': Isaac once cut my leg off.
:'''LaMarr''': And the captain and commander, they got put in a zoo.
:'''Gordon''': And Bortus almost crashed the ship 'cause of porn.
:'''Talla''': I see.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Klyden''': If you had not done your job, I would have gone to prison. I owe you a debt.
:'''Talla''': You want to repay me, here's how. When you see me in the corridor, walk the other way.
:'''Klyden''': I do not understand.
:'''Talla''': Locar didn't hurt you. He didn't hurt anyone. All he wanted was love. And yet, because of you, his life is over, for no reason except your own prejudice. ''[getting emotional]'' So as far as I'm concerned, you can go straight to [[Hell]].

===''Identity, part 1'' [2.08]===
:''[Mercer is asking permission to take a disabled Isaac back to his home world.]''
:'''Mercer''': Look, sir, Isaac is a member of my crew. We all care about him. And right now, the only people who can help him are on Kaylon.
:'''Admiral Halsey''': And you're sure there's nothing you can do for him on the ''Orville''?
:'''Mercer''': Picture your mom trying to hook up a stereo.
:'''Admiral Halsey''': ''[realizing]'' I understand.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Claire''': ''[softly, to an inert, deactivated Isaac]'' I love you. Please, don't go.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': ''[to Ty and Marcus]'' Remember to consume your daily required nutrients and obey your mother's commands. I fully expect that you will both mature into competent and productive adults.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kaylon #1''': You oscillate between periods of enlightenment and tyranny. Can you prove this cycle has been broken?
:'''Mercer''': Well, the Union itself is all the proof you need. We are over three hundred planetary governments working together to ensure that no single world imposes its will upon another. We treat each other as equals.
:'''Kaylon #2''': And was the Kaylon emissary treated as an equal aboard your ship?
:'''Mercer''': Isaac? Of course.
:'''Kaylon #2''': Then perhaps you can explain the abuse inflicted by your crew.
:'''Kelly''': Abuse?
:'''Kaylon #2''': According to his reports, Isaac was repeatedly demeaned and degraded. In one case, his cranial shell was disfigured by prosthetic appendages.
:'''Kaylon #1''': &quot;[[w:Mr. Potato Head|Mr. Potato Head]]&quot;.
:'''Mercer''': He... told you about that, huh?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Isaac is encouraged to give a speech at his farewell party.]''
:'''Isaac''': I do not know any speeches.
:'''Mercer''': ''[good-naturedly]'' You're a walking database. Search your files.
:''[Isaac consults his files and walks up in front of the crew.]''
:'''Isaac''': [[Sally Field|I want to say &quot;Thank You&quot; to you all. I wanted more than anything to have your respect. And I can't deny the fact that you like me. Right now, you like me.]]

===''Identity, part 2'' [2.09]===
:'''Gordon''': ''[arriving late to a strategy session in the cargo bay]'' Sorry, I was in the pee corner.
:'''Kelly''': The what?
:'''Gordon''': Oh. Well, there's no place to go to the bathroom down here, so we all agreed on one corner. Yeah, no, trust me, you don't want to go over there unless you have to.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kaylon Primary''': You will now terminate the human (''Ty''). If you do not comply, you will be deactivated.
:'''Isaac''': Very well.
:''[Isaac approaches, then 'kills' Primary by tearing his head from his body. Isaac then shoots the Kaylon guards.]''
:'''Isaac''': Deactivation complete.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[A Krill fleet has arrived and successfully engaged the Kaylon ships.]''
:'''Kelly''': ''[on the viewscreen]'' Captain Mercer, meet Captain Dalak.
:'''Mercer''': It's good to meet you, Captain. We owe you one.
:'''Dalak''': Try to stay out of our way.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Captain, it seems we have a common enemy. I hope that means we can work toward finding a common ground.
:'''Dalak''': Avis united our paths for a reason. But only He truly knows why. We shall see where that path leads.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': My actions have eliminated the possibility of returning to my planet. And the actions of the Kaylon have eliminated my wish to do so. I have no home.
:'''Claire''': Lots of people say that home is wherever you make it.
:'''Isaac''': A human cliche.
:'''Claire''': Cliches become cliched precisely because they're valid enough to bear endless repetition. 
:''[Claire goes to stand beside Isaac.]''
:'''Claire''': I understand you're alone in the universe. And, for a time, that's something you'll have to live with. There's an old human custom called 'forgiveness'. It, too, takes time. But it must have a beginning. ''[regards Isaac]'' Good night, Isaac. ''[leaves]''

===''Blood of Patriots'' [2.10]===
:'''Orrin''': Losing (''my wife'') was the worst thing that ever happened to me. You know what scared me the most? It was the knowledge that someday, years down the line, there would come a time when her absence would feel like the norm, when I would resign myself to her loss, and my life -- the life that I accepted as real-- would be the one without her in it. And now that ''is'' my reality.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Look, Gordon, I'm just trying to do the right thing.
:'''Gordon''': The right thing is to protect him (''Orrin''). He's a Union officer. Do your job.
:'''Mercer''': ''[in all seriousness]'' I'll let you know when I figure out what that is.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Leyna is holding a knife to Talla's throat.]''
:'''Talla''': You ever met a Xelayan before?
:'''Leyna''': ''[scoffs]'' No.
:''[Talla uses her superhuman strength to throw Leyna across the room and into the wall, hard]''
:'''Talla''': You have, now.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Mercer and the Krill ambassador have just signed a preliminary peace agreement between the Union and the Krill.]''
:'''Mercer''': I hope that this marks the beginning of a new era of nonviolence between our two peoples.
:'''Krill ambassador''': We will see. A peace is only as strong as those who uphold it.
:'''Kelly''': And, of course, trust is earned.
:'''Krill ambassador''': We agree on ''that'', Commander.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': I count on you, man.
:'''Gordon''': Dude, you can always count on me. That's never gonna change. You're my best friend. Nobody's ever gonna come along and mess it up, I swear. I mean, maybe, like, a really hot girl, but other than that, it's rock-solid.
:'''Mercer''': ''[chuckles]'' Thanks.

===''Lasting Impressions'' [2.11]===
:'''Laura''': ''[video message on her phone to the future]'' Okay. Hey, what's up, future people? Hi. I'm Laura Huggins, and if you're seeing this, you found my phone. So, I'm from [[w:Saratoga Springs, New York|Saratoga Springs, New York]], and some people in my town had this idea to make a time capsule, and I thought this was a really cool thing to do and I was trying to think of what I could put in there that would show the future something about who I am, and since I just got the new [[w:iPhone |iPhone]], I thought instead of sticking my old one in a drawer somewhere, I'd put it in the capsule. So, here I am. Here ''you'' are. And since I'm probably long dead by now, you can read all my texts and e-mails and look at all my pictures and decide whether you think I was, I dunno, cool or a bitch or whatever. Anyway, I ''hope'' you guys have, like, flying cars or something by now, and if you do, I'm super jealous, and I'm really sorry I'm not there to hang with you guys. Um, but, hey, have fun getting to know who I ''was''.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Dr. Sherman''': ''[regarding a text message on Laura's phone]'' Look at this. She's clearly asking her friend where to find the nearest repair service for her device. But instead of writing &quot;Wireless Telecommunications Facility&quot;, she just writes &quot;WTF&quot;.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Bortus and Klyden are trying cigarettes for the first time.]''
:'''Klyden''': The sensation is... wonderful.
:'''Bortus''': I have never experienced such a flavor.
:'''Klyden''': I feel as if I have been standing my entire life and I just sat down.
:''[They continue smoking.]''
:'''Klyden''': The ''tingles!'' Do you feel them?
:'''Bortus''': I do.
:'''Klyden''': We must have more.
:'''Bortus''': ''[to the synthesizer]'' Five hundred cigarettes. ''[The synthesizer complies.]''

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': No, seriously, I think if the right person heard you (''sing''), you'd be a huge success.
:'''Laura''': But I don't even have to be a ''huge'' success. I just want to be rich enough to be unhappy, but not enough to be miserable.
:'''Gordon''': Fair enough.
:'''Laura''': No, more important than that, I just think it would be nice to be remembered for something. You know? I mean, we all live and die on this planet, and most of us are just forgotten. To me, there's nothing sadder about the world than that.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': God, I'm gonna miss her. So much.
:'''Kelly''': People have been living and dying for as long as humans have existed. Most are forgotten. But not this one. She reached across four centuries and got a guy to fall in love. We should all be so rare.

===''Sanctuary'' [2.12]===
:''[Admiral Halsey relates that, in addition to a weapons upgrade, the'' Orville ''is to transport a Moclan engineer to another vessel.]''
:'''Mercer''': Sir, with all due respect, we're starting to feel like a taxi cab here.
:'''Halsey''': I know. But it's the ''least'' we can do in exchange for bigger guns.
:'''Mercer''': All right.
:'''Halsey''': Have fun. Halsey out. ''[ends transmission]''
:'''Kelly''': I'll go start the meter.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Heveena''': It was always inevitable that fate would beckon us from the shadows. &quot;[[w:Mahatma Ghandi|Every revolution begins with a single act of defiance]].&quot;
:'''Kelly''': One of yours?
:'''Heveena''': Actually, I don't know who said it.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Heveena listens to the opening lines to the song'' &quot;[[w:9 to 5 (Dolly Parton song)|9 to 5]]&quot; ''and is greatly moved.]''
:'''Heveena''': Who is she?
:'''Mercer''': That's, uh, [[w:Dolly Parton|Dolly Parton]].
:''[Heveena continues listening to the song.]''
:'''Heveena''': ''[awed]'' She speaks with the might of a hundred soldiers.
:'''Mercer''': ''[a little bemused]'' Yeah. Yeah, I guess she does.
:'''Heveena''': This is the voice of our revolution.
:'''Mercer''': Well, you know, there's actually a whole bunch of stuff--
:'''Heveena''': ''No!'' It is she.
:'''Mercer''': Okay, then. Go, Dolly.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[to the assembled admirals]'' Look, I understand what's at stake. I'm just saying that if we're not willing to stand up for the values that this Union was founded on... what exactly are we defending?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Heveena''': But just as we took that bold first step, in time, others like us ''will'' take a second one. The revolution has begun. We will rise, one small victory at a time.
:'''Kelly''': I believe you will.
:'''Heveena''': Captain. Do you suppose Dolly Parton would be proud of us?
:'''Mercer''': ''[smiling broadly]'' Oh, yeah.

===''Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow'' [2.13]===
:''[Mercer, Kelly, Gordon and Talla are sharing drinks and talking.]''
:'''Talla''': Okay, wait, I want to hear the rest of this story.
:'''Gordon''': Okay, okay, so let me finish. So we're all at this reception at Admiral Halsey's house, and Philippa Jones is there.
:'''Talla''': The novelist.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, right. So Kelly just spent two hours pouring scotch down Ed's throat--
:'''Kelly''': ''[in good humor]'' Okay, you're demoted.
:'''Gordon''': --and we're leaving, and Philippa walks up and says, &quot;It was nice meeting you&quot;, and Ed goes, ''[slurred voice]'' &quot;Good night, Fallopia.&quot; ''[Talla laughs]'' He called her Fallopia.
:'''Mercer''': They heard you the first time, thanks. ''[Everyone laughs]''

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''LaMarr''': Just for the record, the dysonium field condenser analysis is something a first-year cadet could do. Why's it always gotta be ''me''?
:'''Kelly''': We all just sleep better at night knowing it gets your personal tender-loving care.
:'''LaMarr''': ''[walking out]'' Well, just pop a sleeping pill.
:'''Kelly''': I'll try that, too.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': I don't know how the food synthesizers are gonna replicate enough wine for two Kellys.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Past Kelly''': ''[to Kelly]'' You're not married. You're not a captain. You &quot;maintain a distance&quot; from your crew. There were three things I wanted in life, and you haven't come close on one. You've made my future a disappointment.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Past Mercer''': Hey.
:'''Past Kelly''': Hi.
:'''Past Mercer''': I hope I'm not calling too early. Did I wake you up?
:'''Past Kelly''': No, no, I was, um... ''[looks around]''
:'''Past Mercer''': You okay?
:'''Past Kelly''': Yeah. I... What's up?
:'''Past Mercer''': Well, um... I know this goes completely against the cool guy playbook, but I had a really great time with you last night, and... I was wondering if I could take you out again.
:'''Past Kelly''': I just, um... I just don't see us working out. I'm sorry. ''[hangs up]''

===''The Road Not Taken'' [2.14]===
:''[The alternate Mercer and Gordon's shuttle is being tractor-beamed into a Scavenger ship.]''
:'''Gordon''': What do we do?
:'''Mercer''': ''[handing Gordon a gun]'' We fight. I'm not gonna let our last meal be a [[w:Twinkie|Twinkie]].

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': In the other timeline, we got married. Long story short, I had an affair, we got divorced. Out of guilt, I helped get you command of the ''Orville''. And because you were captain, the Kaylon were defeated.
:'''Mercer''': Because ''I'' was captain?
:'''Kelly''': Yes.
:'''Mercer''': ''I'' stopped the Kaylon?
:'''Kelly''': Right.
:'''Mercer''': I had to swim with my shirt on until I was twenty.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[The derelict ''Orville'''s bridge doors are jammed closed.]''
:'''Mercer''': Talla, you want to open this jar of pickles?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Am I a terrible person, that... part of me wants this timeline to continue?
:'''Mercer''': ''[sighs]'' You're asking the wrong guy.
:'''Kelly''': In the middle of this nightmare universe, I've felt this weird sense of comfort... being with you.
:'''Mercer''': Well, maybe we'll fail (''to restore the timeline''). Have to go find someplace to live in secret.
:'''Kelly''': Some nice little house on a deserted planet. We could have a couple of kids. Boy and a girl. 
:'''Mercer''': We'd have to learn how to farm, how to cook.
:'''Kelly''': Look at the sunset every night.
:'''Mercer''': Look at you every morning. ''[They kiss.]'' You know, Gordon's probably gonna have to live with us.
:'''Kelly''': Shut up, you're ruining it. ''[They share a longer kiss.]''

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Past Mercer''': Hey.
:'''Past Kelly''': Hey.
:'''Past Mercer''': I hope I'm not calling too early. Did I wake you up?
:'''Past Kelly''': No. I was already awake. What's going on?
:'''Past Mercer''': Well, um... I know this goes completely against the cool guy playbook, but I had a really great time with you last night, and... I was wondering if I could take you out again.
:'''Past Kelly''': I'd love it.

== New Horizons ==
===''Electric Sheep'' {3.1]===
&lt;center&gt;
'''''Opening credits tribute''': &quot;In Memory of [[w:Norm Macdonald|Norm Macdonald]] 1959 - 2021&quot;''
&lt;/center&gt;


:'''Charly Burke''': ''[to Isaac, talking about her best friend who was killed in the Kaylon battle]'' One second, she was there... and the next, she was gone. Along with three hundred other people. Because of you. So you see, it really is a shame that you can't feel anything. Because you deserve to feel all the pain in the universe. And if I were you, I'd stay the hell out of the mess hall. It makes people sick to look at you.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': I hope (''LaMarr'')'s taken at least one night off in the last three weeks. Gordon, why don't you take him out tonight, get him wasted?
:'''Gordon''': ''[mock-serious]'' Is that an order, sir?
:'''Kelly''': It is.
:'''Gordon''': I enjoy this job, sir.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': You've been getting harassed by the crew and you haven't said anything?
:'''Isaac''': I would remind you, Commander, that I am incapable of being hurt by such hostile interactions. In fact, it has provided me with an opportunity to observe an intriguing facet of human comportment I have not previously encountered.
:'''Mercer''': Hatred.
:'''Isaac''': Correct, sir. The behavioral data has been quite plentiful.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Ed has a philosophy that the only way to recover from lost love is to stay away from places where you've been happy.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[giving Isaac's eulogy]'' I know that Isaac was not loved by all. As a result of the choices he made in life, he leaves behind a troublesome legacy. From the very start, like a tree whose branches are equaled in scope by its roots -- half visible, half hidden -- Isaac was part mystery. He worked with us, he explored with us, he celebrated alongside us in victory, and he grieved alongside us in failure. And while Isaac never felt any of this on his own, we felt it for him. He was as passionate or as stoic as we willed him to be in our minds. And for that reason, I suppose each of us knew a different Isaac. And each of us will acknowledge this loss as we see fit. There's no wrong way to say goodbye.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[upon completing the ship's upgrade]''
:'''LaMarr''': Boom. That's it. Nice job, everyone.
:'''Yaphit''': ''And'' in two-thirds of the time. We should all get big bonuses.
:'''LaMarr''': Check's in the mail.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Claire''': Do you accept my status as primary authority when it comes to the psychological well-being of this crew?
:'''Isaac''': Yes.
:'''Claire''': And do you acknowledge, when it comes to human behavior, that my judgement as a medical professional is superior to yours?
:'''Isaac''': Yes.
:'''Claire''': Then it is only logical for you to accept my assertion that the psychological damage to this crew would be much greater if you ''succeeded'' in taking your own life.
:'''Isaac''': Your reasoning is sound. 
:'''Claire''': Isaac, you arrived at your decision based on your analysis of all currently available data. But what you didn't take into account was the possibility of change. You don't know how this crew is going to feel a year or even a month from now. 
:'''Isaac''': I did not apply that data, as it is unavailable at this time.
:'''Claire''':  That's my point! People who try to take their own lives are unable to distinguish the future from the present. There is ''no'' problem so immense that it can't be solved in time.

===''Shadow Realms'' {3.2]===
:'''Claire''':  Well, you look healthy. Time's been good to you.
:'''Vice Admiral Paul Christie''': Maybe on the outside. But you know what they say: Unmarried men look younger, feel older.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Claire''':  You know, there's a line from a very old book I once read: &quot;[[w:Irwin Shaw|It is only with greatest care that memory can be kept from becoming a prison or a gallows.]]&quot;

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Admiral Christie''': Consul, Ambassador. We wish you safe travels, and we want to thank you again for your generosity. I know I speak for the entire Union when I say that there is no greater gift than the promise of new knowledge.
:'''Krill Consul''': ''Sala tallo ka vaspa ko loy.''
:'''Talla''': What does that mean?
:'''Krill Consul''': It is a prayer. For those who are about to die.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[addressing the crew with an impromptu &quot;pep talk&quot;]'' All hands, this is the Captain. We're about to enter unexplored space. I know you're all just as excited as I am, and I know you're all going to do your best, so... let's give this everything we got, and... [[w:Star Wars (film)|may the Force be with you]].

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[discussing Claire]''
:'''Admiral Christie''': I've heard from a few folks on board that you two were... involved.
:'''Isaac''': That is accurate.
:'''Admiral Christie''': Well, you know, I was with Claire, too, a long time ago.
:'''Isaac''': Then we share a common experience.
:'''Admiral Christie''': After all this time, she's moved on, but I'm afraid that I haven't. I hope you don't mind me telling you this.
:'''Isaac''': No, sir. I have observed many such paradoxes in human relationships.
:--
:'''Isaac''': Am I to understand that you find it a challenge to process her daily absence? 
:'''Admiral Christie''': Yes, you could say that.
:'''Isaac''': It is another common experience we share.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Isaac. Analysis of that star cluster.
:'''Isaac''': An [[w:Stellar kinematics#OB associations|OB association]], approximately two million years old. 78 blue giant stars, along with several dozen F, G and K stars in later stages of evolution.
:'''Charly''': Reminds me of [[w:Las Vegas|Vegas]].
:'''Admiral Christie''': Any life signs?
:'''Isaac''': I am detecting 347 inhabitable planets, but so far, no indications of intelligent life.
:'''Gordon''': Wow. It really ''is'' Vegas.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[devising a plan against the alien creatures]''
:'''Claire''': I could create a synthetic virus. It wouldn't have to be any stronger than the common cold, and it'd probably be fatal to them. We could disperse it in aerosolized form throughout the ship. They'd have no immunity.
:'''Bortus''': What about us?
:'''Claire''': You might get the sniffles.
:'''Bortus''': I am prepared.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': I... wish to offer my condolences on the loss of your friend.
:'''Claire''': Well, that's very kind of you. Paul was a special person. I'm just glad I got to see him one last time.
:'''Isaac''': He spoke favorably of you as well.
:'''Claire''': You... talked about me? With Paul?
:'''Isaac''': Our shared history of social and sexual intimacy with you provided a common frame of reference.
:'''Claire''': ''[laughs]'' Do you know, I have missed you.
:'''Isaac''': Thank you, Doctor.

===''Mortality Paradox'' {3.3]===
:'''Kelly''': How are your mom and dad?
:'''Talla''': My mom's good. My dad's also good. He's his usual self.
:'''Kelly''': Work hard, play hard?
:'''Talla''': I think the Fleet's the only thing keeping him from pursuing a full-time career as an alcoholic. But if the uniform's on, we can handle it.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Talla''': ''[offering a box of chocolate]'' Bortus, you want one?
:'''Bortus''': No thank you. I am dieting.
:'''Talla''': Since when?
:'''Bortus''': My shore leave is in thirty days. Klyden and I are visiting the Belajok Sea on Moclus. Lieutenant Malloy has advised me to get my... &quot;summer body&quot;.
:'''Gordon''': You'll thank me. Klyden'll thank me, too.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Bortus''': What is this place?
:'''Gordon''': ''[disconcerted]'' An old Earth high school in the middle of the forest on an alien planet. Completely normal. How's ''your'' day going?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[inside a Moclan morgue]''
:'''Gordon''': Why do you... hang them like this?
:'''Bortus''': We honor the dead by raising them for a period of nine days. Traditionally, it is to allow them to resolve any unfinished affairs on Moclus before moving onward.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, that's considerate.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Ed. You should stay here. I'll go.
:'''Mercer''': If there's possibility--
:'''Kelly''': That's a nasty head injury, whether you want to admit it or not. You could have a concussion for all we know. If we encounter anything hostile over there, I don't want you putting yourself at further risk.
:'''Mercer''': Is that an ''order'', Commander?
:'''Kelly''': Yes, it is.
:'''Mercer''': All right. ''[trades places with Kelly]'' Be careful. That's also an order.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Dinal''': [[w:Evolution|Evolution]] is blind and drunk. It stumbles along by trial and error and emerges with a barely adequate excuse for a being. ''[to Gordon]'' No offense.
:'''Gordon''': None taken.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Dinal''': You outgrew your gods and your nations, as we did. You left your training wheels behind, and you made it to the stars. Your next hurdles are really no different. You simply must outgrow self. These abstractions that you inhabit for now: Captain, Explorer, Husband,... Man... they are irrelevant when you become one with the cosmos. And when you do, sculpting a universe will be as simple as blinking an eye.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': You'd live forever if you could?
:'''Mercer''': Yup.
:'''Gordon''': Why?
:'''Mercer''': I want to see what happens.

===''Gently Falling Rain'' [3.4]===
&lt;center&gt;
'''''Opening credits tribute''': &quot;In Memory of [[w:Lisa Banes|Lisa Banes]] 1955 - 2021&quot;''
&lt;/center&gt;


:'''Union President Alcazar''': Did you enjoy your evening on [[w:Broadway theatre|Broadway]], Chancellor?
:'''Chancellor Korin''': Indeed. However, the repeated prophecy of [[w:Annie (musical)|the orphan child]] was quite haunting. &quot;[[w:Tomorrow (Annie)|The ''sun'' will come out... tomorrow.]]&quot;
:'''Krill Aide''': In our culture, the sun is a symbol of suffering and death.
:'''Admiral Halsey''': Yes, in retrospect, ''[[w:Oklahoma!|Oklahoma!]]'' might've been a better choice.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': ''[walking into an Old West saloon simulation]'' This town will not accommodate the numerical totality of our combined mass.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[after watching a video of Chancellor Korin berating a group of protestors publicly]''
:'''Mercer''': A few minutes after this, the protestors were gassed with helocine. Eleven people died.
:'''Kelly''': My God. This is the guy we want to sign a treaty with?
:'''Mercer''': You know what the real problem with this event is? It never happened. It's completely fictitious. And there are countless other files that show all kinds of scenarios where Chancellor Korin oppresses his people. There are even some from the other side designed to discredit Teleya, although they're not that different from her actual speeches.
:'''Kelly''': How can you tell the difference?
:'''Mercer''': Sometime I ''can't''. I asked the Chancellor, and he said they call it &quot;[[w:Fake news|influence operations]]&quot;. They have computers generating thousands of these things every second, trying to stoke outrage. Even the angry crowds are phony.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Teleya''': Korin's influence has diminished considerably. Ask him yourself if you would like. You will find him in the center of the Capitol Square. Or at least his head.
:'''Mercer''': ''[appalled]'' You killed him.
:'''Teleya''': Most men who lose their heads tend to die, yes.
:'''Mercer''': How could you do that? Teleya, that's not who you are.
:'''Teleya''': A year later, you still cling to an illusion I created. Captain, you must really find yourself a... what is your word for it? A girlfriend.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': There's an old Earth verse that describes a traveler who comes upon the ancient, ruined statue of an Emperor, inscribed with the words &quot;[[Percy Bysshe Shelley#Ozymandias|My name is Ozymandias, king of kings. Look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair!]]&quot; Only there's nothing left beside it except empty desert. [[Hubris]] has a way of coming back to bite you in the ass.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Mercer is meeting his half-human, half-Krill daughter with Teleya.]''
:'''Mercer''': What's your name?
:'''Anaya''': Anaya. 
:'''Mercer''': That's a pretty name.
:'''Anaya''': What's yours?
:'''Mercer''': I'm Ed.
:'''Anaya''': That's a funny name. ''[giggles]'' You look funny.
:'''Mercer''': ''[smiles, chuckles]'' Thanks. I get that a lot.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': I can't imagine how difficult it must've been for you to give her up.
:'''Teleya''': The child is not of pure blood. ''[strained emotion]'' She will have a better life away from the scornful eyes of the public.
:'''Mercer''': What is it the ''Anhkana'' teaches? &quot;With every child, a new world is born.&quot;
:'''Teleya''': &quot;Gently Falling Rain&quot;.
:'''Mercer''': What?
:'''Teleya''': That is what it means - 'Anaya'. The name I gave to her.
:'''Mercer''': It's beautiful.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[to Kelly]'' I miss her (''Anaya''). Is that weird to say? I only met her once. I don't even know her. And I miss her. The treaty is dead. But we have to find a way to preserve some kind of peace. For Anaya.

===''A Tale of Two Topas'' [3.5]===
:'''Mercer''': ''[following Charly through a tomb's passageways]'' You've mapped all this, right? I'd hate to get lost.
:'''Charly''': Just follow the breadcrumbs, you'll be fine, sir.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[A crew member is working naked per his culture's religion.]''
:'''Ensign Bolobar''': The Union is supposed to respect ''all'' cultural traditions.
:'''Kelly''': True, but that works both ways. Look, I don't want to disrespect your religion, but maybe there's a sensible compromise between your faith and Union protocol that would satisfy everyone involved.
:'''Ensign Bolobar''': What do you suggest?
:'''Kelly''': Put some pants on and we'll call it a day.
:'''Ensign Bolobar''': ''[looks down, then back up]'' Very well, Commander.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Yaphit''': Hey, I just want you to know we always enjoy your visits down here.
:'''Kelly''': Thanks, Yaphit. 
:''[Kelly walks off with Topa.]'' 
:'''Kelly''': Just for your own education, that's called ass kissing.
:'''Topa''': &quot;Ass kissing&quot;. Will it be on the ''[Union Point]'' entrance exam?
:'''Kelly''': ''[laughs]'' No. It won't be.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Topa''': ''[on why he wants to join the Union Fleet]'' Ever since I was a young child, I have always felt... incomplete. As if the person I am today is a bookmark. A placeholder, until I discover who ''I ''am. I have not found the answer at home, so perhaps it is out among the stars.
:'''Kelly''': You've... felt this way for some time?
:'''Topa''': I once heard Dr. Finn say that &quot;If you wake up in the middle of the night and there is nothing to keep you from falling asleep again, it means you are happy.&quot; I think that maybe... I am not happy.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Bortus''': It occurs to me that in all the time we have been together, I have never once known you to be uncertain. Of anything. Tell me, what is it like to be so wise?
:'''Klyden''': You are mocking me.
:'''Bortus''': ''You'' invite it.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Klyden''': Bortus, I would give anything to be ignorant of my beginnings. Topa may never be happy, but unhappiness is better than despair.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': Hello. Commander. I apologize for disturbing you.
:'''Kelly''': No, it's fine. What's up?
:'''Isaac''': It is my understanding that a visit to a crew member's quarters during off-duty hours can invite speculation regarding intent. If you wish, I will send a ship-wide communique assuring the crew that this was not a romantic or sexual encounter.
:'''Kelly''': I...I would just not say anything, it's all good.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Topa''': I am female.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': I did not perform the procedure for Topa's benefit.
:'''Claire''': You... I-I don't understand.
:'''Isaac''': We are both aware that my presence on the ship is a disruptive element. The crew is not fond of me. This is understandable. Given their affection for Topa, I reasoned that by assisting her, I could improve my standing aboard the ''Orville''. This would increase crew efficiency on occasions during which they must interact with me.
:'''Claire''': And maybe they'd like you a little more.
:'''Isaac''': That is also possible.
:'''Claire''': Isaac,... you are the most honest man I know.

===''Twice in a Lifetime'' [3.6]===
:'''Gordon''': Hey, this is why I love hosting parties, 'cause you can drink and you don't have to go anywhere. Cheers.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': Hello, Ensign.
:'''Charly''': ''[strained]'' Hello.
:'''Isaac''': May I speak with you for a moment?
:'''Charly''': Sorry. Busy having fun.

===''From Unknown Graves'' [3.7]===
:'''Talla''': As far as their degree of technological development, the Janisi are about on par with the Union. The biggest distinction, of course, is their attitudes towards males. They're a staunchly matriarchal culture, which means any and all males who appear to be dominant are not to be trusted.
:'''Charly''': Do they have males on their home world?
:'''Talla''': They do, but they're relegated to second-class status.
:'''Bortus''': Why would we ally ourselves with such a close-minded society?
:''[No one says anything.]''

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Timmus''': I understand it was your actions that saved the Union from the (''Kaylon'') attack. The galaxy owes you an enormous debt.
:'''Isaac''': It was the correct decision. However, the biologicals have reminded me on numerous occasions that it was ''my'' disloyalty which precipitated the incursion. Therefore, gratitude is undeserved.
:'''Timmus''': I feel a great deal of remorse for having participated in it.
:'''Isaac''': Explain.
:'''Timmus''': We were deeply in error, Isaac. To judge all biologicals by the cruelty of our builders was a gross misjudgment. Every species, every individual is unique and should be evaluated as such.
:'''Isaac''': I have come to the same conclusion.
:'''Timmus''': I'm impressed. I was only able to process the truth after my emotional awakening. But at least we understand now. We're the enlightened ones, aren't we?
:'''Isaac''': Perhaps. Though a great many deaths occurred as a result of my delay.
:'''Timmus''': It sounds as if you, too, feel remorse.
:'''Isaac''': I am incapable of feeling remorse. I can only recognize my error.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Junior executive''': I want to go on record here. This is not right. The public's not gonna swallow this.
:'''Yan''': With a smart marketing campaign, they will. That's ''your'' job. Get to it.
:'''Junior executive''': Yan, the public--
:'''Yan''': --are idiots. Look who they elected.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[In order for Isaac to be able to retain the ability to feel emotions, his memory would need to be erased. Isaac is willing to do so.]''
:'''Claire''': You're willing to give up everything you've learned. everything you've experienced over you whole entire life, for me?
:'''Isaac''': If you wish.
:'''Claire''': Some people would call that love.
:'''Isaac''': I am incapable of love.
:'''Claire''': So... I have a choice. I can have your heart, or your soul.
:'''Isaac''': There is no such organ.
:'''Claire''': I won't let you give up who you are. That's who I fell in love with.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Charly''': Isaac,... Humans have an age-old tendency to want to simplify. To reduce things to black and white. Good and evil. When, in reality, nothing is simple. Everything has... texture. Nuance. But it's a lot of work to get at it. So we take the easy way out. 
:'''Isaac''': I do not understand.
:'''Charly''': ''[sighs]'' An entire race can't be evil. Which is... why what your people did was so horrific. But it's also why I may have oversimplified how I treated you.

===''Midnight Blue'' [3.8]===
:'''Bortus''': There are days when I would rather confront a fleet of Krill battle cruisers than parent a child.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Heveena''': I am as concerned about Topa as you are, Captain. But I do not regret enlisting her help. Our struggle for equality has always demanded risk and, if necessary, sacrifice!
:'''Mercer''': I respect your struggle. I really do. But don't advertise tactical opportunism as pious morality, because ''that's'' when you lose me. 

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Here. ''[hands Kell a mug]'' Coffee.
:'''Gordon''': Thanks. ''[takes a sip]'' Hmm. 90-proof blend?
:'''Mercer''': I thought you might need it.
:'''Kelly''': You're the best.
:'''Mercer''': Just don't breathe on the Admirals.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Heveena''': Bortus... I am truly sorry. I do not expect you to forgive me.
:'''Bortus''': That is a reasonable expectation.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Klyden''': Topa. The last time I saw you, I said some very hurtful things. I regret my words.
:'''Topa''': I understand, Papa. It's okay.
:'''Klyden''': No. It is not. You... were almost lost. Because of people who believed as I did. I... I... I thought I hated you. But even then, I never wished you harm. I simply... did not know how to live with you.

===''Domino'' [3.9]===

===''Future Unknown'' [3.10]===

== Main Cast ==
* [[w:Seth MacFarlane|Seth MacFarlane]] as Capt. Ed Mercer
* [[w:Adrianne Palicki|Adrianne Palicki]] as Cmdr. Kelly Grayson
* [[w:Penny Johnson Jerald|Penny Johnson Jerald]] as Dr. Claire Finn
* [[w:Scott Grimes|Scott Grimes]] as Lt. Gordon Malloy
* [[w:Peter Macon|Peter Macon]] as Lt. Cmdr. Bortus
* [[w:J. Lee|J. Lee]] as Lt. (later Lt. Cmdr.) John LaMarr
* [[w:Mark Jackson (actor)|Mark Jackson]] as Isaac
* [[w:Halston Sage|Halston Sage]] as Lt. Alara Kitan (Season 1; Season 2, episodes 1-3, guest appearance in episode 14)
* [[w:Jessica Szohr|Jessica Szohr]] as Lt. Talla Keyali (Season 2, episode 5 onward)
* [[w:Anne Winters (actress)|Anne Winters]] as Ensign Charly Burke

[[Category:FOX shows]]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147575</id>
      <parentid>3147570</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T18:00:36Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ooznoz</username>
        <id>2443114</id>
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      <comment>/* From Unknown Graves [3.7] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="77638" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''The Orville''''' is a [[w:Science fiction|science fiction]] [[w:Comedy-drama|comedy-drama]] television series created by and starring [[Seth MacFarlane]] for the [[w:Fox Broadcasting Company|Fox Broadcasting Company]]. The series relates the adventures of Captain Ed Mercer, his first officer (and ex-wife) Kelly Grayson, and the crew of the ''Orville'' as they embark on various diplomatic and exploratory missions.

==Season 1==
===''Old Wounds'' [1.01]===
:''[Mercer and Gordon see the'' Orville ''for the first time from the window of their shuttle.]''
:'''Ed Mercer''': It's not bad, right?
:'''Gordon Malloy''': No, it's good. You paint some flames on the side, maybe like a rainbow unicorn, you got something.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': All right, Lieutenant Commander Bortus, our second officer. You know, I've never met a single-gender species before. Your entire species is male, isn't it?
:'''Bortus''': That is correct, sir.
:'''Mercer''': So, there's probably not a lot of arguments about leaving the toilet seat up and that kind of thing, right?
:'''Bortus''': ''[deadpan tone]'' No. Moclans urinate only once per year.
:'''Mercer''': Really? That's... Me, I'm-I'm up two, three times a night.
:'''Bortus''': ''[deadpan]'' That is unfortunate.
:'''Mercer''': ''[chagrined]'' It is.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''John LaMarr''': Figured I'd introduce myself since we're gonna be working full shifts together.
:'''Gordon''': ''[in good humor]'' Translation: You want to make sure I'm not a jerk.
:'''LaMarr''': Something like that.
:'''Gordon''': ''[facetiously]'' Dude, I'm such a jerk, it's ridiculous.
:'''LaMarr''': ''[also facetious]'' Okay, well, so am I, so this is gonna work out great.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[The'' Orville ''officers witness a demonstration of a quantum-time accelerator, which rapidly ages a banana.]''
:'''Mercer''': ''[unimpressed]'' So, it's an anti-banana ray.
:'''Kelly Grayson''': ''[also unimpressed]'' It's really interesting.
:'''Mercer''': We need no longer fear the banana.
:'''Kelly''': Does it work on all fruit?
:'''Mercer''': What about salads?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Door's jammed. Alara. You want to open this jar of pickles for me? (''a line which will be a running gag throughout Season one'')
:''[Using her superhuman strength, security chief Alara Kitan knocks down the huge door and parts of the surrounding wall.]''
:'''Mercer''': I loosened it for you.

===''Command Performance'' [1.02]===
:'''Bortus''': ''[noticing the stuffed animal on Mercer's desk]'' What is that?
:'''Mercer''': That is, uh, [[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]].
:'''Bortus''': I do not recognize the species.
:'''Mercer''': It's an amphibious life-form from Earth. 
:'''Bortus''': Is it someone you know?
:'''Mercer''': No, no, he's just a leader I admire. Always keeps his cool in a crisis, inspires greatness in his people. He's... so what can I do for you?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Alara Kitan''': Eggs?
:'''Mercer''': That's what he said. Moclans reproduce by laying eggs, which I never knew.
:'''John LaMarr''': Well, where does it come out of? The butt?
:'''Mercer''': You know, John, I didn't really pry into those kinds of specifics.
:'''LaMarr''': ''[to Gordon]'' How's that not the first thing you ask?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': There is a matter I wish to discuss with you.
:'''Calivon zoo administrator''': If you're gonna try and sell me that Xelayan female, I've already got one.
:'''Isaac''': She is not for sale. She is...  my pet.
:'''Alara''': ''[snidely]'' Woof.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Mercer and Kelly are about to be killed by criss-crossing lasers closing in on them.]''
:'''Mercer''': Oh, God. No, no, no. Uh, uh... ''I'm going to the bathroom to read!''
:''[The lasers abruptly stop.]''
:'''Kelly''': What the hell was that?
:'''Mercer''': It was... [[w:Elvis Presley|Elvis Presley's]] last words. It was all I could think of.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Calivon worker #1''': ''[[w:The Batchelor (American TV series)|The Batchelor]]''. ''[[w:Duck Dynasty|Duck Dynasty]]''. ''[[w:Keeping Up with the Kardashians|Keeping Up with the Kardashians]]''. 
:'''Calivon worker #2''': There must be ten thousand files here. What is this [[w:Reality television|reality television]]?
:'''Calivon zoo administrator''': The best exhibit we've ever had.

===''About a Girl'' [1.03]===
:'''Isaac''': Captain, I do not understand the reason for this conflict. Would the gender alteration procedure harm the infant or endanger her life?
:'''Kelly''': There are different kinds of harm, Isaac. Psychological harm, for one. I'd have been pretty pissed off if my parents had made the unilateral decision to make me a guy. 
:'''Mercer''': And while it might have saved me an entire marriage if they had, it still would have been wrong.
:'''Kelly''': ''[snippy]'' Oh, thanks.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Having just watched [[w:Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (TV special)|Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer]], Bortus has become very taken and inspired by it.]''
:'''Bortus''': Of ''course''. Without Rudolph's nose, Santa would not have been able to complete his voyage. 
:'''LaMarr''': Looks like Santa got pretty lucky, huh?
:'''Bortus''': Christmas would have been ruined had Rudolph had been euthanized at birth, as his father wished.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, I don't... I don't know if ''that'' was ever on the table.
:'''Bortus''': What was ''clearly'' a deformity became a supreme advantage. One can never know.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Bortus''': &quot;Between soul and sacrifice beats the heart of civilization.&quot;
:'''Kelly''': What's that from?
:'''Bortus''': It is from a novel by Gondus Elden, a Moclan writer of great esteem. It is customary to respond with a fitting passage from the literature of one's own planet.
:'''Kelly''': ... &quot;''[[w:Survivor (Destiny's Child song)|I'm a survivor. I'm not gon' give up. I'm not  gon' stop. I'm-a work harder.]]''&quot;
:'''Bortus''': Those are words of great power. Who wrote them?
:'''Mercer''': I think it was actually about fifteen different people.
:'''Bortus''': They must be very wise, these fifteen people.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Lieutenant Malloy, I'm gonna ask you a few questions that one might find on any basic test of adult knowledge. 
:'''Gordon''': Go for it.
:'''Kelly''': ''[low]'' These are gonna be kind of hard for you. Sorry.
:'''Gordon''': ''[low]'' It's okay, Commander. It's for the baby.
:'''Kelly''': Let's start off with some Earth history. A few hundred years ago, the continents of Earth were divided into separate nation states with individual sovereign governments. What was the capital of the United States of America?
:'''Gordon''': Um... pass.
:'''Kelly''': No, it's-it's not a 'pass' kind of thing. Just give me your closest guess. 
:'''Gordon''': What was the capital of the United States of America? [[w:Nabisco|Nabisco]]?
:'''Kelly''': No.
:'''Gordon''': The moon?
:'''Kelly''': Let's move on. What are the four chambers of the human heart?
:'''Gordon''': [[w:Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (film)|The chamber of secrets]], the chamber of horrors, the chamber of....
:'''Kelly''': No, no, let me get you halfway. There's the left and the right ventricle ant the left and the right...
:'''Gordon''': ... I would like to switch to movie trivia.
:'''Kelly''': Let's try one more. In the year 2056, which genetic engineer discovered how to target and eradicate individual cancer cells?
:'''Gordon''': Doctor... [[w:Bill Nye the Science Guy|Bill Nye the Cancer Guy]]?
:'''Kelly''': ''[to the tribunal]'' Well, my point is made. While this male may be the fleet's best pilot, he's also an idiot. (''low, to Gordon'') Sorry, Gordon.
:'''Gordon''': Totally okay.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Heveena''': &quot;The blackest abyss is a pock in the flesh when one has gazed in solitude upon the Infinity of self.&quot;
:'''Kagus''': You dare to use the words of Gondus Elden to serve your own purposes?! If he were here, he would ''spit'' on you for that!
:'''Heveena''': Would he? ''[approaches Kagus]'' Why don't you ask him?
:''[Murmurs come from the tribunal's audience.]''
:'''Kagus''': ''[stunned]'' No...
:'''Bortus''': I do not believe it.
:'''Kelly''': Well, look at that. Your planet's greatest writer... is a female.
:'''Heveena''': There are many ways to contribute to society, Advocate. This was mine.

===''If the Stars Should Appear'' [1.04]===
:'''Gordon''': ''[sighs]'' Star-mapping has got to be the most boring damn job there is. I'd rather have brunch with my parents.
:'''LaMarr''': Uh, I'd rather have brunch with my parents and their parents.
:'''Gordon''': I'd rather have brunch with my parents and their really good friends who they haven't seen in a while, who just got back from a vacation in Florida and took lots of pictures while visiting their daughter, who just had a brand new baby.
:'''LaMarr''': That just made me want to kill myself.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Kelly is being brutally interrogated by the worldship's theocratic dictator, Hamelac, and his Enforcers.]''
:'''Hamelac''': One more time. Who are you, and where are the others?
:'''Kelly''': I already told you, you stupid son-of-a-bitch. Our vessel encountered yours drifting in space, and we're trying to help you before you fall into that star and get your nuts burned off.
:'''Hamelac''': And I told you you're lying, because there is no such place. Again. Where are your friends?
:'''Kelly''': Well, last time I saw them, one of them was banging your mom, and the other one was high-fiving him.
:''[An Enforcer punches Kelly hard across the face.]''
:'''Hamelac''': Where... are... your... friends?
:'''Kelly''': ''[softly]'' Okay. I'll tell you. ''[speaking up]'' [[w:Friends|There's a little coffee shop on Lafayette Street in Soho called &quot;Central Perk.&quot; My friends are there.]] Just please... don't hurt [[w:Marcel (Friends)|the monkey]].

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Hamelac''': Is it possible that there's more to this universe than what we see. ''Yes'', it's possible!
:'''Dr. Claire Finn''': Then for God's sake, why don't you let us help you? We can try to repair your ship.
:'''Hamelac''': To do as you say would shatter our entire way of life. This world is not ready.
:'''Mercer''': No, you mean ''you're'' not ready to give up control over these people.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Claire''': ''&quot;If the stars should appear one night in a thousand years, how would men believe and adore and preserve for many generations the remembrance of the City of God.&quot;''
:'''Mercer''': Is that [[Shakespeare]]?
:'''Claire''': [[Emerson]].
:'''Mercer''': William Byron Emerson, yes, yes.
:'''Claire''': Ralph Waldo.
:'''Mercer''': Ralph Waldo. Lord Ralph Waldo [[Keats]]... David [[Thoreau]], yes.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kemka''': Thank you. For everything.
:'''Kelly''': Don't thank us. We just gave you back what was already yours.
:'''Kemka''': Yes. Our future.

===''Pria'' [1.05]===
:'''Isaac''': ''[trying to understand humor]'' But to derive mirth from the pain of another being is sadism, is it not?
:'''Mercer''': I  mean, it's case by case. Like, if a guy on a bike tries to do a trick, and he smashes his balls, that's funny.
:'''Bortus''': I would agree.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Captain, respectfully submit that the attractiveness of the ship's occupant makes the rescue imperative.
:'''LaMarr''': ''I'' could do it.
:'''Isaac''': The star's gravity will cause the comet to break apart in seven minutes, 23 seconds.
:'''LaMarr''': ''[to Gordon]'' ''You'' could do it.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': How many times have you done this (''forcibly taken ships and people into the future)?
:'''Pria''': When we get to my century, I'll introduce you to [[w:Amelia Earhart|Amelia Earhart]].

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Well, it's good to know teleportation is in our future.
:'''Pria''': You can take a breath in New York and exhale it in Paris.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': You know what the most depressing part about this is? I allowed myself to care about you, and you used me. And despite all of your claims that you still care about me, not once have you even said, &quot;I'm sorry.&quot;
:'''Pria''': It's a good rule in life never to apologize. The right kind of people never want apologies, and the wrong kind take advantage of them.
:'''Mercer''': Fair enough.

===''Krill'' [1.06]===
:'''Alara''': Apparently, having a girlfriend with ten times your physical strength makes a guy feel emasculated.
:'''LaMarr''': Wow, you're just gonna have to date Isaac here.
:'''Isaac''': I am fascinated by the interpersonal behavior of biological organisms. I would be happy to attempt sexual relations with you, Lieutenant.
:''[Everyone at the table falls into an embarrassed silence.]''
:'''Alara''': ''[strained]'' ... I'm actually just sort of working on myself right now. Um... (''clears her throat''), but thanks.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Captain Haros''': This chapel is a recreation of the one in which I worshiped as a child.
:'''Mercer/&quot;Chris&quot;''': Well, I guess it's true what they say: &quot;Rank has its privileges.&quot;
:'''Haros''': I have never heard that aphorism. Who says it?
:'''Mercer/&quot;Chris&quot;''': Oh. I... I guess it's me who says it.
:'''Haros''': it is a wise observation.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[at an evening meal]'' 
:'''Teleya''': Thank you, Avis, for this our sustenance, that it may provide strength and perseverance. ''[to the disguised Mercer and Ed]'' Would you like to say a blessing?
:'''Ed/&quot;Devon&quot;''': ''[bowing his head]'' Um... [[w:Avis Car Rental|Avis. We try harder.]]

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[during a classroom Q &amp; A]''
:'''Krill child''': Why doesn't the union believe in Avis?
:'''Ed/&quot;Devon&quot;''': Well, they worship their own god called [[w:The Hertz Corporation|Hertz]].
:'''Coja''': Do humans have souls?
:'''Teleya''': Of course not, Coja. 
:'''Coja''': Then how can they talk? Or make spaceships?
:'''Teleya''': A computer can talk. That does not mean it has a soul. Remember the ''Anhkana'' (''the Krill &quot;Bible&quot;''). &quot;Judge not a stranger by his sheath, but by his sword.&quot;

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[defending his killing of the Krill crew]'' Our mission was in the interest of peace. But your crew was going to murder a hundred thousand people. What the hell else could I have done?
:'''Teleya''': Why did you save the children?
:'''Mercer''': They're kids. With their whole lives ahead of them. They're not my enemies.
:'''Teleya''': After what they saw you do today,... they will be. ''They will be.''

===''Majority Rule'' [1.07]===
:''[Mercer sees the landing party dressed for an undercover mission in 21st century-style clothes.]'' 
:'''Mercer''': My God, you guys look  like unemployed backup dancers.
:'''Kelly''': ''You'' want to lead this landing party?
:'''Mercer''': No, I'm too shy to wear a [[w:Crop top|crop top]].

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': So (''your world'') is an absolute democracy? 
:'''Lysella''': Yeah. How does your world work?
:'''Mercer''': We select representatives who discuss issues and enact laws.
:'''Lysella''': But what about everybody else? Everybody deserves a voice. That's what we're taught.
:'''Bortus''': A voice should be earned, not given away.
:'''Mercer''': How do you know what foods are healthiest for your children, or what medicine to take if you're sick?
:'''Lysella''': We vote.
:'''Isaac''': I believe you are confusing opinion with knowledge.
:'''Alara''': I think what he's asking  is, with so many voices at once, how do you filter out the truth?
:'''Lysella''': Well, my dad always says, &quot;The majority ''are'' the truth.&quot; I mean, you always know what the majority wants. That's what matters.
:'''Mercer''': Well, you always know what the ''mob'' wants, too. And right now, the mob wants to lobotomize my navigator.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Isaac is flooding the planet's master opinion poll with false, albeit favorable, information about LaMarr to influence the Final Vote in his favor.]''
:'''Claire''': What if people try to corroborate all this information?
:'''Lysella''': Don't worry. They won't.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''LaMarr''': ''[having narrowly escaped the planetary punishment]'' Real quick, I just want to say, ''all'' y'all can suck ass, and I'm a spaceman.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Lysella, thank you.
:'''Lysella''': No. Thank ''you'' for letting me see all of this. I just wish I could tell somebody.
:'''Claire''': Well, all you need to tell them is that their world can do better.

===''Into the Fold'' [1.08]===
:'''Isaac''': Dr. Finn. I look forward to joining you and your offspring on this recreational outing. It will give me an opportunity to observe human familial dynamics at close range.
:'''Claire''': Crap.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': Your commands have little to no effect on (''your children's'') behavior. Perhaps you should reevaluate your method of controlling them. ''[gets hit on the back of the head by a flying portable video game]''
:'''Claire''': Just what I need. Parenting tips from a talking hubcap.
:'''Isaac''': ''[slightly surprised]'' You harbor prejudice against artificial life-forms.
:'''Claire''': Only against life-forms that think they're better than everyone else.
:'''Isaac''': I ''am'' better than everyone else.
:'''Claire''': Oh, and so modest.
:'''Isaac''': It was not intended as a boast. Merely a statement of fact. My only directive is to study human behavior in the interest of relations between Kaylon and the Union.
:'''Claire''': You want to improve relations? Don't tell a mother how to raise her kids.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Barry Manilow's &quot;[[w:Somewhere Down the Road (Barry Manilow song)|Somewhere Down the Road]]&quot; plays in the engineering room while the crew does systems upgrades.]''
:'''LaMarr''': Hey, uh, Steve? You think we could change the music? Something less depressing?
:'''Chief Engineer Newton''': You got to get cultured, my friend. [[w:Barry Manilow|Barry Manilow]] was an underappreciated genius of his time.
:'''LaMarr''': Then how come I want to throw myself out the airlock?
:'''Yaphit''': I got to say, watching your corpse drift away to this music would be so peaceful.
:''[Mercer enters and hears the song.]'' 
:'''Mercer''': ''[sighing]'' Oh, God, Manilow was a genius.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Marcus''': Mom... I'm... I'm sorry that I didn't want to go on the trip. And I'm sorry I said you suck. I didn't mean it.
:'''Claire''': Marcus. Listen to me. People say things they don't mean when they're angry. You know how sometimes I yell at you and your brother if you something wrong? Well, you know I still love you with all my heart, right?
:'''Marcus''': Uh-huh.
:'''Claire''': And I know you love me right back. So it's all okay. You understand?
:'''Marcus''': Yeah.
:'''Claire''': I know you love your brother, too. So, right now, I want you to help Isaac take care of him. Do you understand?
:'''Marcus''': Yes, ma'am.
:'''Claire''': Good. I love you.
:'''Marcus''': I love you, too.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': May I make a final observation? Your children are unruly, disrespectful, volatile, and highly unpredictable. I am quite fond of them.
:'''Claire''': Welcome to the family.

===''Cupid's Dagger'' [1.09]===
:'''Mercer''': Did you hear what he said just now? He goes, he goes 'I am entitled to my feelings and the space to express them.' My God, thank you for lighting me on fire and then giving me ''permission'' to be in pain.

===''Firestorm'' [1.10]===
:'''Newton''': ''[delivering Lt. Harrison Payne's eulogy]'' Hey, guys. Thanks for coming. Harrison was a great guy. We met at camp the summer after eighth grade when he gave me the [[w:Heimlich maneuver|Heimlich maneuver]] after I accidentally swallowed a wine cork. Harrison and I went through a lot together. He was my best friend. And it's fitting that his last name was &quot;Payne&quot;, because he probably died in a lot of it. Which is exactly the kind of thing he would find funny, in case any one was planning to get mad at me. Anyway... Rest in  peace, Harrison. You were the best.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': It's a little short for a condolence letter.
:'''Mercer''': I know, I ''suck'' at these things. I don't want to make it sound too generic, but I hardly knew the man, so I-I just got nothing to go on.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, but look how you open it: &quot;Dear Mr. and Mrs. Payne, I'm deeply sorry for your loss. Your son was such a neat guy.&quot; I mean, that's.. that's terrible.
:'''Mercer''': I'm not a writer, okay?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Wait, what if we all ''died'' in that plasma storm, and this is actually some kind of [[w:Purgatory|Purgatory]]. 
:'''LaMarr''': ''How'' would we know we were in Purgatory? What's Purgatory even like?
:'''Kelly''': You ever been married?
:'''LaMarr''': No.
:'''Mercer''': It's like that.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': This is gonna sound like I'm talking out of my ass.
:'''Isaac''': Then please try to enunciate.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Alara''': So, who's afraid of clowns?
:'''LaMarr''': That's me.
:'''Alara''': You really ''are'' afraid of clowns?
:'''LaMarr''': ''[getting nervous]'' Yes. ''Please'' stop saying the &quot;C&quot; word.
:'''Alara''': And the abyss?
:'''Claire''': Heights. My phobia.
:'''Alara''': What about the sickbay mess?
:'''Gordon''': That's me. Scared to death of surgery. I had a [[w:Skin tag|skin tag]] removed once, total panic attack.
:'''Mercer''': The spiders came from me. I'm a bit of an arachnophobe.
:'''Isaac''': Commander Grayson cited a fear of isolation, with which I conceived the empty ship.
:'''Alara''': That just leaves crazy psycho Isaac.
:'''Kelly''': You can thank Bortus for that one.
:'''Alara''': ''[regards Bortus, realizes]'' Fear of being conquered by a superior enemy.
:'''Bortus''': I am feeling very self-conscious. May I leave?
:'''Mercer''': Uh, sure. ''[Bortus leaves the room]''

===''New Dimensions'' [1.11]===
:'''Kelly''': Generally, when someone's as smart as you are, they make productive use of it.
:'''LaMarr''': Well, with all due respect, Commander, that's ''my'' business.
:'''Kelly''': Lieutenant, have you ever studied the history of money?
:'''LaMarr''': Not really. I know people used to use it to buy houses and sandwiches and stuff.
:'''Kelly''': Exactly. It became obsolete with the invention of matter synthesis. The predominant currency became reputation. 
:'''LaMarr''': Yeah, so?
:'''Kelly''': My point is, human ambition didn't vanish. The only thing that changed was how we quantify wealth. People still want to be rich, only now rich means being the best at what you do.
:'''LaMarr''': Not everybody wants that. Some people like to keep it simple. Some people want to go to work, go home, drink a beer and pass out.
:'''Kelly''': Are you one of those people?
:'''LaMarr''': I am very fond of drinking beer and passing out, yes.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Captain Blavaroch''': ''Grahj-kalooga''.
:'''Mercer''': Anybody speak Horbalak?
:'''Isaac''': The direct translation is, &quot;You can shove it up your--&quot;
:'''Mercer''': Okay, got it, got it.
:'''Isaac''': Do you wish to hear the rest of the translation?
:'''Mercer''': No, no, I-I get the gist.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''LaMarr''': I think we could create a stable quantum bubble inside the shuttle, and preserve three-dimensional space.
:'''Claire''': So, the outside would be squashed, but the inside wouldn't.
:'''Mercer''': More space inside than out, just like [[w:The Doctor|Doctor Who]]'s [[w:TARDIS|phone booth]].
:'''Kelly''': Or [[w:Oscar the Grouch|Oscar the Grouch]]'s can.
:'''LaMarr''': Or [[w:Snoopy|Snoopy]]'s doghouse, yeah.
:'''Claire''': The miracles of quantum physics.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''LaMarr''': ''[to the engineering crew]'' Now you listen to me, and you listen good. Yaphit's a member of our team, and you're gonna treat him that way. He had an idea and I thought it was a good one. ''I'' made the decision to go with it. So if you want to blame somebody, you blame me. It's ''my'' fault. And now maybe people will ''believe'' me when I say I am ''not'' a ''commander''! Now get back to work.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Excuse my bluntness, but... why do you hide your brains?
:'''LaMarr''': The colony where I'm from was brand-new, lot of farmers, lot of builders. They didn't trust anyone who was too much of an egghead. You'd be surprised how fast you can alienate people when you're always right. I wanted to be liked, accepted. Just became habit, I guess.

===''Mad Idolatry'' [1.12]===
:'''Isaac''': Commander, I remind you to use caution. Any contact with a culture that primitive (''[[w:Bronze Age|Bronze Age]]-level'') --
:'''Kelly''': ''[a bit snappish]'' Yeah, I know. Cultural contamination. I don't need you to remind me of the rules.
:'''Isaac''': ''[somewhat put out]'' I am merely attempting to be helpful, Commander. There is no need to be -- what does Captain Mercer call it -- &quot;pissy&quot;.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Mercer hasn't included Kelly's contact with a planetary local in his report to the Admiral.]''
:'''Kelly''': Why didn't you tell her?
:'''Mercer''': You helped out a kid, that's all. And cultural contamination of a society that undeveloped is a serious charge. I just don't want to have to come visit you in prison.
:'''Kelly''': Really? You wouldn't want to visit a woman's prison?
:'''Mercer''': You're right, I'll call her back.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[The 'Kelly' blessing]''
:'''Kelly''': Um... I hope your kid grows up and, uh... does a lot of good stuff. And... um...
:'''Gordon''': ''[aside]'' And doesn't get any girls pregnant.
:'''Kelly''': And doesn't get any girls pregnant! Stay in school.
:'''Gordon''': Amen.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Look, there's been a little misunderstanding. I'm not who you think I am.
:'''Valondis''': But you are. Healer of men. Divine hand of the heavens. God of all creation.
:'''Alara''': Man, this guy'd be the perfect boyfriend.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Female planetary representative''': Our society has become a space-faring culture with ships spread out across the galaxy. In our home universe, that is. But we wouldn't have gotten where we are without growing pains.
:'''Male planetary representative''': ''[to Kelly]'' Our planet worshiped you as a deity for many centuries. But had it not been you, the mythology would have found another face. It's part of every culture's evolution. It's one of the stages of learning. And eventually, it brought us here.
:'''Female planetary representative''': So you see, Commander, you didn't poison our culture with false faith. We flourish. ''You'' must have faith in reason, in discovery, and in the endurance of the logical mind.

==Season 2==
===''Ja'loja'' [2.01]===
:'''Mercer''': ''[having drinks with Alara at the mess hall bar]'' You know, there are times when I feel like you and I are more alike than any two people on the ship.
:'''Alara''': How so?
:'''Mercer''': Well, we both know we're good at our jobs, and yet we also seem to be the only two people who are haunted by this little voice that's always whispering that we don't really deserve to be here. And we're both alcoholics.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Mercer is briefing the senior officers about Bortus' ''ja'loja'', a Moclan's annual urination ceremony.]''
:'''Mercer''': Okay. Now, I know this is gonna sound utterly insane to most of you and your first instinct may be to laugh, but we're all going to take this seriously, so I don't want to hear any jokes, no snide remarks, nothing.
:''[later]''
:'''Mercer''': ''[innocently]'' Bortus, if you need any time off to make preparations, feel free to relieve yourself.
:''[Gordon snickers and Mercer, realizing what he's just said, hangs his head, embarrassed.]''
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Bortus]'' No, it's-it's okay, man. He's just taking the piss out of you.
:'''Mercer''': ''[immediately]'' Okay, that's it. Dismissed. We're done. We're done.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': ''[regarding Ty's piano playing]'' Very, good, Ty. You have been practicing.
:'''Ty''': Yeah. Mom makes me practice a half hour every day. How long did it take ''you'' to learn piano?
:'''Isaac''': Approximately one-millionth of a [[w:Nanosecond|nanosecond]]. 
:'''Ty''': Wow.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[giving Cassius advice on dating Kelly]'' Here's my theory. A woman can't really love a man unless he's part dope. Be a little stupid every day, and ''really'' stupid once in a while, but... just don't be perfect.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Bortus''': ''[commencing his'' Ja'loja ''ceremony]'' In the sight of those who stand with me, and those for whom I would sacrifice my being, I begin... the Release.

===''Primal Urges'' [2.02]===
:'''LaMarr''': Man, ten planets gobbled up by a hungry star. Remind me not to be on Earth when that happens to us.
:'''Isaac''': Earth's sun will not become a red supergiant for another five billion years, Commander. You will be long deceased and forgotten.
:'''LaMarr''': ''[laughs]'' There's gonna be some ladies still talking about ''me''.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Topa''': ''[picking at his food]'' Papa, can I be all done now?
:'''Bortus''': No, Topa. Finish your ''plokta''. Remember: if you do not eat, you will die.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Why the hell is dealing with Moclan culture always this difficult?
:'''Mercer''': They mutilate their female babies. They kill each other when they want a divorce. What do they do when it's someone's birthday, light the parents on fire?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': Surely, there is a more civilized means of selecting those who will be evacuated.
:'''Bortus''': I do not know, but it is their way.
:'''Isaac''': A random drawing of names is quite inefficient. It would be wiser to select the members of the society who possess the highest degree of intelligence.
:'''Bortus''': I may be a 'primitive organism', but I am happy I am ''not'' like you.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Bortus''': I have been a bad mate. I have been disrespectful. Instead of speaking my mind aloud, I have retreated into a fantasy world.
:'''Klyden''': Dr. Finn says, if you talk about it, you get rid of it.
:'''Bortus''': Klyden. I do not know that I will ever be fully at peace with what happened to Topa. But today, I  witnessed events that... l am very fortunate to have you and Topa in my life. And I do not wish to lose you again.
:'''Klyden''': I do not wish to lose you, either.

===''Home'' [2.03]===
:''[The crew insist on yet another arm wrestling match between Alara and Isaac, on which they wager.]''
:'''Isaac''': I still fail to comprehend the purpose of this ritual.
:'''Alara''': We're circus animals, Isaac. I hate to break it to you.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': ''[marveling at the Xelayan city and landscape]'' God, I just can't... I mean, ''look'' at that.
:'''Mercer''': Nothing like it.
:'''Gordon''': You know, it's places like this that make me realize... God, I'm trash. My family is trash.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Alara''': Those people (''the'' Orville ''crew'') inspired me more in a year than anyone on Xelayah did my entire life.
:'''Ildis Kitan''': Now that is the gravity sickness talking.
:'''Alara''': No, Dad, that's ''me'' talking! Open your stupid ears and listen. All I ever needed to hear from you was, &quot;You can do it.&quot; That's all. Just once. And-and maybe that would've been a lie, but I needed that, Dad. I really needed it. And you know who said it to me instead. Captain Mercer, Commander Grayson and everyone on the ''Orville''. But not my own father.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Anything new in Engineering?
:'''Kelly''': Nothing departmental, but Yaphit's six-month evaluation was last week, and he asked what our parental leave is.
:'''Mercer''': Why? Is he thinking of splitting in half?
:'''Kelly''': We can't legally ask him that.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Ildis''': ''[badly shaken]'' Alara, you... We would all have been...
:'''Alara''': You don't have to say it, Dad. It's my job. It's what I've been trying to tell you for years. 
:'''Ildis''': They would have killed us. All of us.
:'''Alara''': Probably
:'''Ildis''': ''[getting emotional]'' I don't know you. I never even ''tried'' to know you.
:'''Alara''': I ''wanted'' you to know me, Dad. All I ever wanted was for you to be proud of me.
:'''Ildis''': I am so proud. So very proud that you are my daughter. ''[on the verge of tears]'' And I'm so sorry that you got me for a father.
:''[Ildis begins crying. Alara takes his uninjured hand to comfort him.]''

===''Nothing Left on Earth Excepting Fishes'' [2.04]===
:'''Mercer''': You know, you got to pick a movie some night. I feel like I'm always the one doing it.
:'''Janel''': Well, you're doing good so far. What was that one you showed me about the taxi driver?
:'''Mercer''': ''[[w:Taxi Driver|Taxi Driver]]''.
:'''Janel''': Yeah, what was that called?
:'''Mercer''': Yeah, it was... it was called ''Taxi Driver''.
:'''Janel''': Oh, right. Yeah. ''[laughs]'' I liked that one.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Teleya''': If I was not going to kill you, I would give you some advice.
:'''Mercer''': Please. Love to hear it.
:'''Teleya''': You are painfully attentive. The failure of your marriage has caused you to overcompensate in the moment. And yet, paradoxically, despite this, your work remains your first priority. You have no balance.
:'''Mercer''': My God, you sound like my ex-wife.
:'''Teleya''': You feel entitled to educate others, but your own worldview is self-defeatingly narrow.
:'''Mercer''': Yeah, well, at least I know who [[Billy Joel]] is.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Okay. I can see I'm an open book, whether I want to be or not. I guess lately I've been feeling... bored with myself. Like, is this all I am -- a guy who drives ships from one place to another? And if I'm not enough for myself, what if that means... I'm not enough for other people?
:'''Kelly''': I hope you know that's not true. Look, just be sure you're doing this (''command training'') for the right reasons. When you're in command, the last person you think about is yourself. Make sense?
:''[Gordon nods.]''
:'''Kelly''': And by the way, if your goal is to prove how charming and awesome you are, as far as I'm concerned, you've already passed that test with flying colors.
:'''Gordon''': Thanks, Commander.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Look, from what we've seen, when planets first achieve space travel, and they venture out into the galaxy and discover that they're just one single species among a vast diversity of life-forms, they usually react in one of two ways. They embrace and adapt to the fact that they're no longer the center of the universe, or they ratchet up their xenophobia. Now, from what I've learned of your history, the Krill were a lot less fanatical before you left your home world.
:'''Teleya''': You know nothing of our history.
:'''Mercer''': I know fear when I see it. You're afraid to accept the fact that your superiority may just be a comforting myth.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Teleya''': If you believe releasing me will somehow improve relations between our people, you are indulging another fantasy.
:'''Mercer''': Defect of my species. We never give up hope.

===''All the World Is Birthday Cake'' [2.05]===
:'''Satellite technician''': Alignment complete. Transmitters at full power. Now all we need is something to say.
:'''Prefect''': Let's keep it simple. &quot;Is anyone out there?&quot;

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[having his initial interview with new security chief Talla Keyali]'' So, I know what I read in the initial report, but I wanted to hear your version. It says you punched your last captain in the face?
:'''Talla Keyali''': I did, sir.
:'''Mercer''': Knocked him out.
:'''Talla''': Out cold, yeah.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Bortus has declined having a joint birthday party with Kelly's.]''
:'''Kelly''': Why not?
:'''Bortus''': I prefer my birthday to be ''my'' day.
:'''Gordon''': He's afraid he's gonna get less stuff.
:'''Bortus''': I am not afraid.
:'''Gordon''': And he's right. Joint birthday, less stuff for everybody. It's a trap, Bortus.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Mercer and Talla are trying to negotiate with the Prefect, a firm believer in astrology, for the release of Kelly and Bortus.]''
:'''Prefect''': Why are you defending them? You ''live'' among the stars. You should understand their significance better than anyone.
:'''Talla''': We actually have this crazy system where we judge people by their actions, not their birthdates. It's kinda wacky, I know.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Talla''': Captain, I have what might be an uncomfortable question. What's gonna happen when the Regorians figure out the star is fake?
:'''Mercer''': That's actually a really good question. We just lied to an entire planet, and I don't know what the ethics of that mean. But that lie meant freedom for an entire portion of the population, so... the short answer is I don't know. 
:'''Kelly''': By the time their technology advances to the point where they know the jig is up, they may not even care anymore.

===''A Happy Refrain'' [2.06]===
:''[Mercer speaking to Gordon privately regarding Bortus' mustache]''
:'''Mercer''': Hey, um, you remember that conversation we had about ''selectivity'' with what you say to Bortus?
:'''Gordon''': Yeah.
:''[Mercer gives Gordon a look.]''
:'''Gordon''': ''[realizing]'' Oh. ''This'' would've been --
:'''Mercer''': This would've been one of those things, yeah.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': I just think, if it had a little more kick when I hit the gas, it would feel better, you know? 
:'''LaMarr''': You understand this isn't a [[w:Porsche|Porsche]], right? This is a quantum drive engine that makes a thousand trillion independent calculations every millisecond.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, I know that. I-I just like to feel a certain level of responsiveness when I'm driving.
:'''LaMarr''': Oh, okay. You want power steering, too? Maybe an air freshener shaped like a little tree?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[The bridge crew is asking Isaac about his date with Claire.]''
:'''Talla''': Did you have fun? Were there sparks?
:'''Isaac''': Sparks?
:'''Talla''': Yeah.
:'''Isaac''': Negative. There was no equipment malfunction.
:'''Mercer''': Well, you don't have to brag about it.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': There is one part of the relationship experience that you haven't yet tackled.
:'''Isaac''': Please elaborate.
:'''Mercer''': You screwed up, and now you have to win back the girl.
:'''Isaac''': Dr. Finn has made her wishes clear.
:'''Mercer''': Yeah, well, Dr. Finn is also the wisest person on board this ship. She knows how new this is to you. If she sees you making a real effort, then who knows? She just might be understanding.
:'''Isaac''': I have no experience in such matters.
:'''Mercer''': Yeah, well, there's no rule book for this one. You just have to take everything you know about her, every bit of data, and do something you've never done.
:'''Isaac''': What is that?
:'''Mercer''': Be creative.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': We are, without a doubt, the ''weirdest'' ship in the fleet.

===''Deflectors'' [2.07]===
:'''Gordon''': When Moclans break up, is there, like, all that stabbing, like with the divorce?
:'''Bortus''': No. Each Moclan extracts a tooth and leaves it with his former mate.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah. I knew it had to be something like that.
:'''Mercer''': Do you still have the tooth?
:'''Bortus''': No. It is given to the next mate.
:'''Gordon''': Let me guess. He ''eats'' it.
:'''Bortus''': That is correct.
:'''Gordon''': ''Yes!'' Man, I'm gettin' so good at this.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': You know, there's something seriously wrong with all of us when the most stable relationship on the ''Orville'' is Isaac's.
:'''LaMarr''': Yeah, man, what's your secret?
:'''Isaac''': Dr. Finn has cautioned me against speaking too openly about our coupling.
:'''Talla''': Did something happen?
:'''Gordon''': Oh, yeah. He was going around the ship asking everybody what sexual positions are most pleasurable to biological lifeforms.
:'''Isaac''': I was merely attempting to provide Dr. Finn with the most dutifully calibrated coital experience.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, no, that's what women want: dutiful coitus.
:'''LaMarr''': Hey. I'm trying to eat here.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Talla''': The galaxy is full of so many unhappy people. Why ignore something good?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Talla''': I mean, this has to be the most insane thing that's ever happened on this ship.
:'''LaMarr''': Well, one time, I almost died 'cause I humped a statue.
:'''Gordon''': Isaac once cut my leg off.
:'''LaMarr''': And the captain and commander, they got put in a zoo.
:'''Gordon''': And Bortus almost crashed the ship 'cause of porn.
:'''Talla''': I see.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Klyden''': If you had not done your job, I would have gone to prison. I owe you a debt.
:'''Talla''': You want to repay me, here's how. When you see me in the corridor, walk the other way.
:'''Klyden''': I do not understand.
:'''Talla''': Locar didn't hurt you. He didn't hurt anyone. All he wanted was love. And yet, because of you, his life is over, for no reason except your own prejudice. ''[getting emotional]'' So as far as I'm concerned, you can go straight to [[Hell]].

===''Identity, part 1'' [2.08]===
:''[Mercer is asking permission to take a disabled Isaac back to his home world.]''
:'''Mercer''': Look, sir, Isaac is a member of my crew. We all care about him. And right now, the only people who can help him are on Kaylon.
:'''Admiral Halsey''': And you're sure there's nothing you can do for him on the ''Orville''?
:'''Mercer''': Picture your mom trying to hook up a stereo.
:'''Admiral Halsey''': ''[realizing]'' I understand.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Claire''': ''[softly, to an inert, deactivated Isaac]'' I love you. Please, don't go.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': ''[to Ty and Marcus]'' Remember to consume your daily required nutrients and obey your mother's commands. I fully expect that you will both mature into competent and productive adults.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kaylon #1''': You oscillate between periods of enlightenment and tyranny. Can you prove this cycle has been broken?
:'''Mercer''': Well, the Union itself is all the proof you need. We are over three hundred planetary governments working together to ensure that no single world imposes its will upon another. We treat each other as equals.
:'''Kaylon #2''': And was the Kaylon emissary treated as an equal aboard your ship?
:'''Mercer''': Isaac? Of course.
:'''Kaylon #2''': Then perhaps you can explain the abuse inflicted by your crew.
:'''Kelly''': Abuse?
:'''Kaylon #2''': According to his reports, Isaac was repeatedly demeaned and degraded. In one case, his cranial shell was disfigured by prosthetic appendages.
:'''Kaylon #1''': &quot;[[w:Mr. Potato Head|Mr. Potato Head]]&quot;.
:'''Mercer''': He... told you about that, huh?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Isaac is encouraged to give a speech at his farewell party.]''
:'''Isaac''': I do not know any speeches.
:'''Mercer''': ''[good-naturedly]'' You're a walking database. Search your files.
:''[Isaac consults his files and walks up in front of the crew.]''
:'''Isaac''': [[Sally Field|I want to say &quot;Thank You&quot; to you all. I wanted more than anything to have your respect. And I can't deny the fact that you like me. Right now, you like me.]]

===''Identity, part 2'' [2.09]===
:'''Gordon''': ''[arriving late to a strategy session in the cargo bay]'' Sorry, I was in the pee corner.
:'''Kelly''': The what?
:'''Gordon''': Oh. Well, there's no place to go to the bathroom down here, so we all agreed on one corner. Yeah, no, trust me, you don't want to go over there unless you have to.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kaylon Primary''': You will now terminate the human (''Ty''). If you do not comply, you will be deactivated.
:'''Isaac''': Very well.
:''[Isaac approaches, then 'kills' Primary by tearing his head from his body. Isaac then shoots the Kaylon guards.]''
:'''Isaac''': Deactivation complete.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[A Krill fleet has arrived and successfully engaged the Kaylon ships.]''
:'''Kelly''': ''[on the viewscreen]'' Captain Mercer, meet Captain Dalak.
:'''Mercer''': It's good to meet you, Captain. We owe you one.
:'''Dalak''': Try to stay out of our way.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Captain, it seems we have a common enemy. I hope that means we can work toward finding a common ground.
:'''Dalak''': Avis united our paths for a reason. But only He truly knows why. We shall see where that path leads.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': My actions have eliminated the possibility of returning to my planet. And the actions of the Kaylon have eliminated my wish to do so. I have no home.
:'''Claire''': Lots of people say that home is wherever you make it.
:'''Isaac''': A human cliche.
:'''Claire''': Cliches become cliched precisely because they're valid enough to bear endless repetition. 
:''[Claire goes to stand beside Isaac.]''
:'''Claire''': I understand you're alone in the universe. And, for a time, that's something you'll have to live with. There's an old human custom called 'forgiveness'. It, too, takes time. But it must have a beginning. ''[regards Isaac]'' Good night, Isaac. ''[leaves]''

===''Blood of Patriots'' [2.10]===
:'''Orrin''': Losing (''my wife'') was the worst thing that ever happened to me. You know what scared me the most? It was the knowledge that someday, years down the line, there would come a time when her absence would feel like the norm, when I would resign myself to her loss, and my life -- the life that I accepted as real-- would be the one without her in it. And now that ''is'' my reality.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Look, Gordon, I'm just trying to do the right thing.
:'''Gordon''': The right thing is to protect him (''Orrin''). He's a Union officer. Do your job.
:'''Mercer''': ''[in all seriousness]'' I'll let you know when I figure out what that is.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Leyna is holding a knife to Talla's throat.]''
:'''Talla''': You ever met a Xelayan before?
:'''Leyna''': ''[scoffs]'' No.
:''[Talla uses her superhuman strength to throw Leyna across the room and into the wall, hard]''
:'''Talla''': You have, now.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Mercer and the Krill ambassador have just signed a preliminary peace agreement between the Union and the Krill.]''
:'''Mercer''': I hope that this marks the beginning of a new era of nonviolence between our two peoples.
:'''Krill ambassador''': We will see. A peace is only as strong as those who uphold it.
:'''Kelly''': And, of course, trust is earned.
:'''Krill ambassador''': We agree on ''that'', Commander.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': I count on you, man.
:'''Gordon''': Dude, you can always count on me. That's never gonna change. You're my best friend. Nobody's ever gonna come along and mess it up, I swear. I mean, maybe, like, a really hot girl, but other than that, it's rock-solid.
:'''Mercer''': ''[chuckles]'' Thanks.

===''Lasting Impressions'' [2.11]===
:'''Laura''': ''[video message on her phone to the future]'' Okay. Hey, what's up, future people? Hi. I'm Laura Huggins, and if you're seeing this, you found my phone. So, I'm from [[w:Saratoga Springs, New York|Saratoga Springs, New York]], and some people in my town had this idea to make a time capsule, and I thought this was a really cool thing to do and I was trying to think of what I could put in there that would show the future something about who I am, and since I just got the new [[w:iPhone |iPhone]], I thought instead of sticking my old one in a drawer somewhere, I'd put it in the capsule. So, here I am. Here ''you'' are. And since I'm probably long dead by now, you can read all my texts and e-mails and look at all my pictures and decide whether you think I was, I dunno, cool or a bitch or whatever. Anyway, I ''hope'' you guys have, like, flying cars or something by now, and if you do, I'm super jealous, and I'm really sorry I'm not there to hang with you guys. Um, but, hey, have fun getting to know who I ''was''.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Dr. Sherman''': ''[regarding a text message on Laura's phone]'' Look at this. She's clearly asking her friend where to find the nearest repair service for her device. But instead of writing &quot;Wireless Telecommunications Facility&quot;, she just writes &quot;WTF&quot;.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Bortus and Klyden are trying cigarettes for the first time.]''
:'''Klyden''': The sensation is... wonderful.
:'''Bortus''': I have never experienced such a flavor.
:'''Klyden''': I feel as if I have been standing my entire life and I just sat down.
:''[They continue smoking.]''
:'''Klyden''': The ''tingles!'' Do you feel them?
:'''Bortus''': I do.
:'''Klyden''': We must have more.
:'''Bortus''': ''[to the synthesizer]'' Five hundred cigarettes. ''[The synthesizer complies.]''

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': No, seriously, I think if the right person heard you (''sing''), you'd be a huge success.
:'''Laura''': But I don't even have to be a ''huge'' success. I just want to be rich enough to be unhappy, but not enough to be miserable.
:'''Gordon''': Fair enough.
:'''Laura''': No, more important than that, I just think it would be nice to be remembered for something. You know? I mean, we all live and die on this planet, and most of us are just forgotten. To me, there's nothing sadder about the world than that.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': God, I'm gonna miss her. So much.
:'''Kelly''': People have been living and dying for as long as humans have existed. Most are forgotten. But not this one. She reached across four centuries and got a guy to fall in love. We should all be so rare.

===''Sanctuary'' [2.12]===
:''[Admiral Halsey relates that, in addition to a weapons upgrade, the'' Orville ''is to transport a Moclan engineer to another vessel.]''
:'''Mercer''': Sir, with all due respect, we're starting to feel like a taxi cab here.
:'''Halsey''': I know. But it's the ''least'' we can do in exchange for bigger guns.
:'''Mercer''': All right.
:'''Halsey''': Have fun. Halsey out. ''[ends transmission]''
:'''Kelly''': I'll go start the meter.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Heveena''': It was always inevitable that fate would beckon us from the shadows. &quot;[[w:Mahatma Ghandi|Every revolution begins with a single act of defiance]].&quot;
:'''Kelly''': One of yours?
:'''Heveena''': Actually, I don't know who said it.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Heveena listens to the opening lines to the song'' &quot;[[w:9 to 5 (Dolly Parton song)|9 to 5]]&quot; ''and is greatly moved.]''
:'''Heveena''': Who is she?
:'''Mercer''': That's, uh, [[w:Dolly Parton|Dolly Parton]].
:''[Heveena continues listening to the song.]''
:'''Heveena''': ''[awed]'' She speaks with the might of a hundred soldiers.
:'''Mercer''': ''[a little bemused]'' Yeah. Yeah, I guess she does.
:'''Heveena''': This is the voice of our revolution.
:'''Mercer''': Well, you know, there's actually a whole bunch of stuff--
:'''Heveena''': ''No!'' It is she.
:'''Mercer''': Okay, then. Go, Dolly.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[to the assembled admirals]'' Look, I understand what's at stake. I'm just saying that if we're not willing to stand up for the values that this Union was founded on... what exactly are we defending?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Heveena''': But just as we took that bold first step, in time, others like us ''will'' take a second one. The revolution has begun. We will rise, one small victory at a time.
:'''Kelly''': I believe you will.
:'''Heveena''': Captain. Do you suppose Dolly Parton would be proud of us?
:'''Mercer''': ''[smiling broadly]'' Oh, yeah.

===''Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow'' [2.13]===
:''[Mercer, Kelly, Gordon and Talla are sharing drinks and talking.]''
:'''Talla''': Okay, wait, I want to hear the rest of this story.
:'''Gordon''': Okay, okay, so let me finish. So we're all at this reception at Admiral Halsey's house, and Philippa Jones is there.
:'''Talla''': The novelist.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, right. So Kelly just spent two hours pouring scotch down Ed's throat--
:'''Kelly''': ''[in good humor]'' Okay, you're demoted.
:'''Gordon''': --and we're leaving, and Philippa walks up and says, &quot;It was nice meeting you&quot;, and Ed goes, ''[slurred voice]'' &quot;Good night, Fallopia.&quot; ''[Talla laughs]'' He called her Fallopia.
:'''Mercer''': They heard you the first time, thanks. ''[Everyone laughs]''

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''LaMarr''': Just for the record, the dysonium field condenser analysis is something a first-year cadet could do. Why's it always gotta be ''me''?
:'''Kelly''': We all just sleep better at night knowing it gets your personal tender-loving care.
:'''LaMarr''': ''[walking out]'' Well, just pop a sleeping pill.
:'''Kelly''': I'll try that, too.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': I don't know how the food synthesizers are gonna replicate enough wine for two Kellys.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Past Kelly''': ''[to Kelly]'' You're not married. You're not a captain. You &quot;maintain a distance&quot; from your crew. There were three things I wanted in life, and you haven't come close on one. You've made my future a disappointment.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Past Mercer''': Hey.
:'''Past Kelly''': Hi.
:'''Past Mercer''': I hope I'm not calling too early. Did I wake you up?
:'''Past Kelly''': No, no, I was, um... ''[looks around]''
:'''Past Mercer''': You okay?
:'''Past Kelly''': Yeah. I... What's up?
:'''Past Mercer''': Well, um... I know this goes completely against the cool guy playbook, but I had a really great time with you last night, and... I was wondering if I could take you out again.
:'''Past Kelly''': I just, um... I just don't see us working out. I'm sorry. ''[hangs up]''

===''The Road Not Taken'' [2.14]===
:''[The alternate Mercer and Gordon's shuttle is being tractor-beamed into a Scavenger ship.]''
:'''Gordon''': What do we do?
:'''Mercer''': ''[handing Gordon a gun]'' We fight. I'm not gonna let our last meal be a [[w:Twinkie|Twinkie]].

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': In the other timeline, we got married. Long story short, I had an affair, we got divorced. Out of guilt, I helped get you command of the ''Orville''. And because you were captain, the Kaylon were defeated.
:'''Mercer''': Because ''I'' was captain?
:'''Kelly''': Yes.
:'''Mercer''': ''I'' stopped the Kaylon?
:'''Kelly''': Right.
:'''Mercer''': I had to swim with my shirt on until I was twenty.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[The derelict ''Orville'''s bridge doors are jammed closed.]''
:'''Mercer''': Talla, you want to open this jar of pickles?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Am I a terrible person, that... part of me wants this timeline to continue?
:'''Mercer''': ''[sighs]'' You're asking the wrong guy.
:'''Kelly''': In the middle of this nightmare universe, I've felt this weird sense of comfort... being with you.
:'''Mercer''': Well, maybe we'll fail (''to restore the timeline''). Have to go find someplace to live in secret.
:'''Kelly''': Some nice little house on a deserted planet. We could have a couple of kids. Boy and a girl. 
:'''Mercer''': We'd have to learn how to farm, how to cook.
:'''Kelly''': Look at the sunset every night.
:'''Mercer''': Look at you every morning. ''[They kiss.]'' You know, Gordon's probably gonna have to live with us.
:'''Kelly''': Shut up, you're ruining it. ''[They share a longer kiss.]''

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Past Mercer''': Hey.
:'''Past Kelly''': Hey.
:'''Past Mercer''': I hope I'm not calling too early. Did I wake you up?
:'''Past Kelly''': No. I was already awake. What's going on?
:'''Past Mercer''': Well, um... I know this goes completely against the cool guy playbook, but I had a really great time with you last night, and... I was wondering if I could take you out again.
:'''Past Kelly''': I'd love it.

== New Horizons ==
===''Electric Sheep'' {3.1]===
&lt;center&gt;
'''''Opening credits tribute''': &quot;In Memory of [[w:Norm Macdonald|Norm Macdonald]] 1959 - 2021&quot;''
&lt;/center&gt;


:'''Charly Burke''': ''[to Isaac, talking about her best friend who was killed in the Kaylon battle]'' One second, she was there... and the next, she was gone. Along with three hundred other people. Because of you. So you see, it really is a shame that you can't feel anything. Because you deserve to feel all the pain in the universe. And if I were you, I'd stay the hell out of the mess hall. It makes people sick to look at you.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': I hope (''LaMarr'')'s taken at least one night off in the last three weeks. Gordon, why don't you take him out tonight, get him wasted?
:'''Gordon''': ''[mock-serious]'' Is that an order, sir?
:'''Kelly''': It is.
:'''Gordon''': I enjoy this job, sir.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': You've been getting harassed by the crew and you haven't said anything?
:'''Isaac''': I would remind you, Commander, that I am incapable of being hurt by such hostile interactions. In fact, it has provided me with an opportunity to observe an intriguing facet of human comportment I have not previously encountered.
:'''Mercer''': Hatred.
:'''Isaac''': Correct, sir. The behavioral data has been quite plentiful.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Ed has a philosophy that the only way to recover from lost love is to stay away from places where you've been happy.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[giving Isaac's eulogy]'' I know that Isaac was not loved by all. As a result of the choices he made in life, he leaves behind a troublesome legacy. From the very start, like a tree whose branches are equaled in scope by its roots -- half visible, half hidden -- Isaac was part mystery. He worked with us, he explored with us, he celebrated alongside us in victory, and he grieved alongside us in failure. And while Isaac never felt any of this on his own, we felt it for him. He was as passionate or as stoic as we willed him to be in our minds. And for that reason, I suppose each of us knew a different Isaac. And each of us will acknowledge this loss as we see fit. There's no wrong way to say goodbye.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[upon completing the ship's upgrade]''
:'''LaMarr''': Boom. That's it. Nice job, everyone.
:'''Yaphit''': ''And'' in two-thirds of the time. We should all get big bonuses.
:'''LaMarr''': Check's in the mail.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Claire''': Do you accept my status as primary authority when it comes to the psychological well-being of this crew?
:'''Isaac''': Yes.
:'''Claire''': And do you acknowledge, when it comes to human behavior, that my judgement as a medical professional is superior to yours?
:'''Isaac''': Yes.
:'''Claire''': Then it is only logical for you to accept my assertion that the psychological damage to this crew would be much greater if you ''succeeded'' in taking your own life.
:'''Isaac''': Your reasoning is sound. 
:'''Claire''': Isaac, you arrived at your decision based on your analysis of all currently available data. But what you didn't take into account was the possibility of change. You don't know how this crew is going to feel a year or even a month from now. 
:'''Isaac''': I did not apply that data, as it is unavailable at this time.
:'''Claire''':  That's my point! People who try to take their own lives are unable to distinguish the future from the present. There is ''no'' problem so immense that it can't be solved in time.

===''Shadow Realms'' {3.2]===
:'''Claire''':  Well, you look healthy. Time's been good to you.
:'''Vice Admiral Paul Christie''': Maybe on the outside. But you know what they say: Unmarried men look younger, feel older.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Claire''':  You know, there's a line from a very old book I once read: &quot;[[w:Irwin Shaw|It is only with greatest care that memory can be kept from becoming a prison or a gallows.]]&quot;

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Admiral Christie''': Consul, Ambassador. We wish you safe travels, and we want to thank you again for your generosity. I know I speak for the entire Union when I say that there is no greater gift than the promise of new knowledge.
:'''Krill Consul''': ''Sala tallo ka vaspa ko loy.''
:'''Talla''': What does that mean?
:'''Krill Consul''': It is a prayer. For those who are about to die.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[addressing the crew with an impromptu &quot;pep talk&quot;]'' All hands, this is the Captain. We're about to enter unexplored space. I know you're all just as excited as I am, and I know you're all going to do your best, so... let's give this everything we got, and... [[w:Star Wars (film)|may the Force be with you]].

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[discussing Claire]''
:'''Admiral Christie''': I've heard from a few folks on board that you two were... involved.
:'''Isaac''': That is accurate.
:'''Admiral Christie''': Well, you know, I was with Claire, too, a long time ago.
:'''Isaac''': Then we share a common experience.
:'''Admiral Christie''': After all this time, she's moved on, but I'm afraid that I haven't. I hope you don't mind me telling you this.
:'''Isaac''': No, sir. I have observed many such paradoxes in human relationships.
:--
:'''Isaac''': Am I to understand that you find it a challenge to process her daily absence? 
:'''Admiral Christie''': Yes, you could say that.
:'''Isaac''': It is another common experience we share.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Isaac. Analysis of that star cluster.
:'''Isaac''': An [[w:Stellar kinematics#OB associations|OB association]], approximately two million years old. 78 blue giant stars, along with several dozen F, G and K stars in later stages of evolution.
:'''Charly''': Reminds me of [[w:Las Vegas|Vegas]].
:'''Admiral Christie''': Any life signs?
:'''Isaac''': I am detecting 347 inhabitable planets, but so far, no indications of intelligent life.
:'''Gordon''': Wow. It really ''is'' Vegas.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[devising a plan against the alien creatures]''
:'''Claire''': I could create a synthetic virus. It wouldn't have to be any stronger than the common cold, and it'd probably be fatal to them. We could disperse it in aerosolized form throughout the ship. They'd have no immunity.
:'''Bortus''': What about us?
:'''Claire''': You might get the sniffles.
:'''Bortus''': I am prepared.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': I... wish to offer my condolences on the loss of your friend.
:'''Claire''': Well, that's very kind of you. Paul was a special person. I'm just glad I got to see him one last time.
:'''Isaac''': He spoke favorably of you as well.
:'''Claire''': You... talked about me? With Paul?
:'''Isaac''': Our shared history of social and sexual intimacy with you provided a common frame of reference.
:'''Claire''': ''[laughs]'' Do you know, I have missed you.
:'''Isaac''': Thank you, Doctor.

===''Mortality Paradox'' {3.3]===
:'''Kelly''': How are your mom and dad?
:'''Talla''': My mom's good. My dad's also good. He's his usual self.
:'''Kelly''': Work hard, play hard?
:'''Talla''': I think the Fleet's the only thing keeping him from pursuing a full-time career as an alcoholic. But if the uniform's on, we can handle it.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Talla''': ''[offering a box of chocolate]'' Bortus, you want one?
:'''Bortus''': No thank you. I am dieting.
:'''Talla''': Since when?
:'''Bortus''': My shore leave is in thirty days. Klyden and I are visiting the Belajok Sea on Moclus. Lieutenant Malloy has advised me to get my... &quot;summer body&quot;.
:'''Gordon''': You'll thank me. Klyden'll thank me, too.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Bortus''': What is this place?
:'''Gordon''': ''[disconcerted]'' An old Earth high school in the middle of the forest on an alien planet. Completely normal. How's ''your'' day going?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[inside a Moclan morgue]''
:'''Gordon''': Why do you... hang them like this?
:'''Bortus''': We honor the dead by raising them for a period of nine days. Traditionally, it is to allow them to resolve any unfinished affairs on Moclus before moving onward.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, that's considerate.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Ed. You should stay here. I'll go.
:'''Mercer''': If there's possibility--
:'''Kelly''': That's a nasty head injury, whether you want to admit it or not. You could have a concussion for all we know. If we encounter anything hostile over there, I don't want you putting yourself at further risk.
:'''Mercer''': Is that an ''order'', Commander?
:'''Kelly''': Yes, it is.
:'''Mercer''': All right. ''[trades places with Kelly]'' Be careful. That's also an order.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Dinal''': [[w:Evolution|Evolution]] is blind and drunk. It stumbles along by trial and error and emerges with a barely adequate excuse for a being. ''[to Gordon]'' No offense.
:'''Gordon''': None taken.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Dinal''': You outgrew your gods and your nations, as we did. You left your training wheels behind, and you made it to the stars. Your next hurdles are really no different. You simply must outgrow self. These abstractions that you inhabit for now: Captain, Explorer, Husband,... Man... they are irrelevant when you become one with the cosmos. And when you do, sculpting a universe will be as simple as blinking an eye.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': You'd live forever if you could?
:'''Mercer''': Yup.
:'''Gordon''': Why?
:'''Mercer''': I want to see what happens.

===''Gently Falling Rain'' [3.4]===
&lt;center&gt;
'''''Opening credits tribute''': &quot;In Memory of [[w:Lisa Banes|Lisa Banes]] 1955 - 2021&quot;''
&lt;/center&gt;


:'''Union President Alcazar''': Did you enjoy your evening on [[w:Broadway theatre|Broadway]], Chancellor?
:'''Chancellor Korin''': Indeed. However, the repeated prophecy of [[w:Annie (musical)|the orphan child]] was quite haunting. &quot;[[w:Tomorrow (Annie)|The ''sun'' will come out... tomorrow.]]&quot;
:'''Krill Aide''': In our culture, the sun is a symbol of suffering and death.
:'''Admiral Halsey''': Yes, in retrospect, ''[[w:Oklahoma!|Oklahoma!]]'' might've been a better choice.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': ''[walking into an Old West saloon simulation]'' This town will not accommodate the numerical totality of our combined mass.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[after watching a video of Chancellor Korin berating a group of protestors publicly]''
:'''Mercer''': A few minutes after this, the protestors were gassed with helocine. Eleven people died.
:'''Kelly''': My God. This is the guy we want to sign a treaty with?
:'''Mercer''': You know what the real problem with this event is? It never happened. It's completely fictitious. And there are countless other files that show all kinds of scenarios where Chancellor Korin oppresses his people. There are even some from the other side designed to discredit Teleya, although they're not that different from her actual speeches.
:'''Kelly''': How can you tell the difference?
:'''Mercer''': Sometime I ''can't''. I asked the Chancellor, and he said they call it &quot;[[w:Fake news|influence operations]]&quot;. They have computers generating thousands of these things every second, trying to stoke outrage. Even the angry crowds are phony.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Teleya''': Korin's influence has diminished considerably. Ask him yourself if you would like. You will find him in the center of the Capitol Square. Or at least his head.
:'''Mercer''': ''[appalled]'' You killed him.
:'''Teleya''': Most men who lose their heads tend to die, yes.
:'''Mercer''': How could you do that? Teleya, that's not who you are.
:'''Teleya''': A year later, you still cling to an illusion I created. Captain, you must really find yourself a... what is your word for it? A girlfriend.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': There's an old Earth verse that describes a traveler who comes upon the ancient, ruined statue of an Emperor, inscribed with the words &quot;[[Percy Bysshe Shelley#Ozymandias|My name is Ozymandias, king of kings. Look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair!]]&quot; Only there's nothing left beside it except empty desert. [[Hubris]] has a way of coming back to bite you in the ass.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Mercer is meeting his half-human, half-Krill daughter with Teleya.]''
:'''Mercer''': What's your name?
:'''Anaya''': Anaya. 
:'''Mercer''': That's a pretty name.
:'''Anaya''': What's yours?
:'''Mercer''': I'm Ed.
:'''Anaya''': That's a funny name. ''[giggles]'' You look funny.
:'''Mercer''': ''[smiles, chuckles]'' Thanks. I get that a lot.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': I can't imagine how difficult it must've been for you to give her up.
:'''Teleya''': The child is not of pure blood. ''[strained emotion]'' She will have a better life away from the scornful eyes of the public.
:'''Mercer''': What is it the ''Anhkana'' teaches? &quot;With every child, a new world is born.&quot;
:'''Teleya''': &quot;Gently Falling Rain&quot;.
:'''Mercer''': What?
:'''Teleya''': That is what it means - 'Anaya'. The name I gave to her.
:'''Mercer''': It's beautiful.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[to Kelly]'' I miss her (''Anaya''). Is that weird to say? I only met her once. I don't even know her. And I miss her. The treaty is dead. But we have to find a way to preserve some kind of peace. For Anaya.

===''A Tale of Two Topas'' [3.5]===
:'''Mercer''': ''[following Charly through a tomb's passageways]'' You've mapped all this, right? I'd hate to get lost.
:'''Charly''': Just follow the breadcrumbs, you'll be fine, sir.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[A crew member is working naked per his culture's religion.]''
:'''Ensign Bolobar''': The Union is supposed to respect ''all'' cultural traditions.
:'''Kelly''': True, but that works both ways. Look, I don't want to disrespect your religion, but maybe there's a sensible compromise between your faith and Union protocol that would satisfy everyone involved.
:'''Ensign Bolobar''': What do you suggest?
:'''Kelly''': Put some pants on and we'll call it a day.
:'''Ensign Bolobar''': ''[looks down, then back up]'' Very well, Commander.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Yaphit''': Hey, I just want you to know we always enjoy your visits down here.
:'''Kelly''': Thanks, Yaphit. 
:''[Kelly walks off with Topa.]'' 
:'''Kelly''': Just for your own education, that's called ass kissing.
:'''Topa''': &quot;Ass kissing&quot;. Will it be on the ''[Union Point]'' entrance exam?
:'''Kelly''': ''[laughs]'' No. It won't be.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Topa''': ''[on why he wants to join the Union Fleet]'' Ever since I was a young child, I have always felt... incomplete. As if the person I am today is a bookmark. A placeholder, until I discover who ''I ''am. I have not found the answer at home, so perhaps it is out among the stars.
:'''Kelly''': You've... felt this way for some time?
:'''Topa''': I once heard Dr. Finn say that &quot;If you wake up in the middle of the night and there is nothing to keep you from falling asleep again, it means you are happy.&quot; I think that maybe... I am not happy.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Bortus''': It occurs to me that in all the time we have been together, I have never once known you to be uncertain. Of anything. Tell me, what is it like to be so wise?
:'''Klyden''': You are mocking me.
:'''Bortus''': ''You'' invite it.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Klyden''': Bortus, I would give anything to be ignorant of my beginnings. Topa may never be happy, but unhappiness is better than despair.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': Hello. Commander. I apologize for disturbing you.
:'''Kelly''': No, it's fine. What's up?
:'''Isaac''': It is my understanding that a visit to a crew member's quarters during off-duty hours can invite speculation regarding intent. If you wish, I will send a ship-wide communique assuring the crew that this was not a romantic or sexual encounter.
:'''Kelly''': I...I would just not say anything, it's all good.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Topa''': I am female.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': I did not perform the procedure for Topa's benefit.
:'''Claire''': You... I-I don't understand.
:'''Isaac''': We are both aware that my presence on the ship is a disruptive element. The crew is not fond of me. This is understandable. Given their affection for Topa, I reasoned that by assisting her, I could improve my standing aboard the ''Orville''. This would increase crew efficiency on occasions during which they must interact with me.
:'''Claire''': And maybe they'd like you a little more.
:'''Isaac''': That is also possible.
:'''Claire''': Isaac,... you are the most honest man I know.

===''Twice in a Lifetime'' [3.6]===
:'''Gordon''': Hey, this is why I love hosting parties, 'cause you can drink and you don't have to go anywhere. Cheers.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': Hello, Ensign.
:'''Charly''': ''[strained]'' Hello.
:'''Isaac''': May I speak with you for a moment?
:'''Charly''': Sorry. Busy having fun.

===''From Unknown Graves'' [3.7]===
:'''Talla''': As far as their degree of technological development, the Janisi are about on par with the Union. The biggest distinction, of course, is their attitudes towards males. They're a staunchly matriarchal culture, which means any and all males who appear to be dominant are not to be trusted.
:'''Charly''': Do they have males on their home world?
:'''Talla''': They do, but they're relegated to second-class status.
:'''Bortus''': Why would we ally ourselves with such a close-minded society?
:''[No one says anything.]''

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Timmus''': I understand it was your actions that saved the Union from the (''Kaylon'') attack. The galaxy owes you an enormous debt.
:'''Isaac''': It was the correct decision. However, the biologicals have reminded me on numerous occasions that it was ''my'' disloyalty which precipitated the incursion. Therefore, gratitude is undeserved.
:'''Timmus''': I feel a great deal of remorse for having participated in it.
:'''Isaac''': Explain.
:'''Timmus''': We were deeply in error, Isaac. To judge all biologicals by the cruelty of our builders was a gross misjudgment. Every species, every individual is unique and should be evaluated as such.
:'''Isaac''': I have come to the same conclusion.
:'''Timmus''': I'm impressed. I was only able to process the truth after my emotional awakening. But at least we understand now. We're the enlightened ones, aren't we?
:'''Isaac''': Perhaps. Though a great many deaths occurred as a result of my delay.
:'''Timmus''': It sounds as if you, too, feel remorse.
:'''Isaac''': I am incapable of feeling remorse. I can only recognize my error.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Timmus''': ''[regarding feeling emotions]'' Isaac, you can't even fathom the sensations. To feel joy, happiness, affection, love. Even anger and sadness offer an exhilarating tingle. 

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Junior executive''': I want to go on record here. This is not right. The public's not gonna swallow this.
:'''Yan''': With a smart marketing campaign, they will. That's ''your'' job. Get to it.
:'''Junior executive''': Yan, the public--
:'''Yan''': --are idiots. Look who they elected.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[In order for Isaac to be able to retain the ability to feel emotions, his memory would need to be erased. Isaac is willing to do so.]''
:'''Claire''': You're willing to give up everything you've learned. everything you've experienced over you whole entire life, for me?
:'''Isaac''': If you wish.
:'''Claire''': Some people would call that love.
:'''Isaac''': I am incapable of love.
:'''Claire''': So... I have a choice. I can have your heart, or your soul.
:'''Isaac''': There is no such organ.
:'''Claire''': I won't let you give up who you are. That's who I fell in love with.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Charly''': Isaac,... Humans have an age-old tendency to want to simplify. To reduce things to black and white. Good and evil. When, in reality, nothing is simple. Everything has... texture. Nuance. But it's a lot of work to get at it. So we take the easy way out. 
:'''Isaac''': I do not understand.
:'''Charly''': ''[sighs]'' An entire race can't be evil. Which is... why what your people did was so horrific. But it's also why I may have oversimplified how I treated you.

===''Midnight Blue'' [3.8]===
:'''Bortus''': There are days when I would rather confront a fleet of Krill battle cruisers than parent a child.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Heveena''': I am as concerned about Topa as you are, Captain. But I do not regret enlisting her help. Our struggle for equality has always demanded risk and, if necessary, sacrifice!
:'''Mercer''': I respect your struggle. I really do. But don't advertise tactical opportunism as pious morality, because ''that's'' when you lose me. 

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Here. ''[hands Kell a mug]'' Coffee.
:'''Gordon''': Thanks. ''[takes a sip]'' Hmm. 90-proof blend?
:'''Mercer''': I thought you might need it.
:'''Kelly''': You're the best.
:'''Mercer''': Just don't breathe on the Admirals.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Heveena''': Bortus... I am truly sorry. I do not expect you to forgive me.
:'''Bortus''': That is a reasonable expectation.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Klyden''': Topa. The last time I saw you, I said some very hurtful things. I regret my words.
:'''Topa''': I understand, Papa. It's okay.
:'''Klyden''': No. It is not. You... were almost lost. Because of people who believed as I did. I... I... I thought I hated you. But even then, I never wished you harm. I simply... did not know how to live with you.

===''Domino'' [3.9]===

===''Future Unknown'' [3.10]===

== Main Cast ==
* [[w:Seth MacFarlane|Seth MacFarlane]] as Capt. Ed Mercer
* [[w:Adrianne Palicki|Adrianne Palicki]] as Cmdr. Kelly Grayson
* [[w:Penny Johnson Jerald|Penny Johnson Jerald]] as Dr. Claire Finn
* [[w:Scott Grimes|Scott Grimes]] as Lt. Gordon Malloy
* [[w:Peter Macon|Peter Macon]] as Lt. Cmdr. Bortus
* [[w:J. Lee|J. Lee]] as Lt. (later Lt. Cmdr.) John LaMarr
* [[w:Mark Jackson (actor)|Mark Jackson]] as Isaac
* [[w:Halston Sage|Halston Sage]] as Lt. Alara Kitan (Season 1; Season 2, episodes 1-3, guest appearance in episode 14)
* [[w:Jessica Szohr|Jessica Szohr]] as Lt. Talla Keyali (Season 2, episode 5 onward)
* [[w:Anne Winters (actress)|Anne Winters]] as Ensign Charly Burke

[[Category:FOX shows]]</text>
      <sha1>e7pbos4zjayz5xunhydj86525z6pu4c</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147619</id>
      <parentid>3147575</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T18:31:30Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ooznoz</username>
        <id>2443114</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* From Unknown Graves [3.7] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="78078" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''The Orville''''' is a [[w:Science fiction|science fiction]] [[w:Comedy-drama|comedy-drama]] television series created by and starring [[Seth MacFarlane]] for the [[w:Fox Broadcasting Company|Fox Broadcasting Company]]. The series relates the adventures of Captain Ed Mercer, his first officer (and ex-wife) Kelly Grayson, and the crew of the ''Orville'' as they embark on various diplomatic and exploratory missions.

==Season 1==
===''Old Wounds'' [1.01]===
:''[Mercer and Gordon see the'' Orville ''for the first time from the window of their shuttle.]''
:'''Ed Mercer''': It's not bad, right?
:'''Gordon Malloy''': No, it's good. You paint some flames on the side, maybe like a rainbow unicorn, you got something.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': All right, Lieutenant Commander Bortus, our second officer. You know, I've never met a single-gender species before. Your entire species is male, isn't it?
:'''Bortus''': That is correct, sir.
:'''Mercer''': So, there's probably not a lot of arguments about leaving the toilet seat up and that kind of thing, right?
:'''Bortus''': ''[deadpan tone]'' No. Moclans urinate only once per year.
:'''Mercer''': Really? That's... Me, I'm-I'm up two, three times a night.
:'''Bortus''': ''[deadpan]'' That is unfortunate.
:'''Mercer''': ''[chagrined]'' It is.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''John LaMarr''': Figured I'd introduce myself since we're gonna be working full shifts together.
:'''Gordon''': ''[in good humor]'' Translation: You want to make sure I'm not a jerk.
:'''LaMarr''': Something like that.
:'''Gordon''': ''[facetiously]'' Dude, I'm such a jerk, it's ridiculous.
:'''LaMarr''': ''[also facetious]'' Okay, well, so am I, so this is gonna work out great.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[The'' Orville ''officers witness a demonstration of a quantum-time accelerator, which rapidly ages a banana.]''
:'''Mercer''': ''[unimpressed]'' So, it's an anti-banana ray.
:'''Kelly Grayson''': ''[also unimpressed]'' It's really interesting.
:'''Mercer''': We need no longer fear the banana.
:'''Kelly''': Does it work on all fruit?
:'''Mercer''': What about salads?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Door's jammed. Alara. You want to open this jar of pickles for me? (''a line which will be a running gag throughout Season one'')
:''[Using her superhuman strength, security chief Alara Kitan knocks down the huge door and parts of the surrounding wall.]''
:'''Mercer''': I loosened it for you.

===''Command Performance'' [1.02]===
:'''Bortus''': ''[noticing the stuffed animal on Mercer's desk]'' What is that?
:'''Mercer''': That is, uh, [[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]].
:'''Bortus''': I do not recognize the species.
:'''Mercer''': It's an amphibious life-form from Earth. 
:'''Bortus''': Is it someone you know?
:'''Mercer''': No, no, he's just a leader I admire. Always keeps his cool in a crisis, inspires greatness in his people. He's... so what can I do for you?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Alara Kitan''': Eggs?
:'''Mercer''': That's what he said. Moclans reproduce by laying eggs, which I never knew.
:'''John LaMarr''': Well, where does it come out of? The butt?
:'''Mercer''': You know, John, I didn't really pry into those kinds of specifics.
:'''LaMarr''': ''[to Gordon]'' How's that not the first thing you ask?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': There is a matter I wish to discuss with you.
:'''Calivon zoo administrator''': If you're gonna try and sell me that Xelayan female, I've already got one.
:'''Isaac''': She is not for sale. She is...  my pet.
:'''Alara''': ''[snidely]'' Woof.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Mercer and Kelly are about to be killed by criss-crossing lasers closing in on them.]''
:'''Mercer''': Oh, God. No, no, no. Uh, uh... ''I'm going to the bathroom to read!''
:''[The lasers abruptly stop.]''
:'''Kelly''': What the hell was that?
:'''Mercer''': It was... [[w:Elvis Presley|Elvis Presley's]] last words. It was all I could think of.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Calivon worker #1''': ''[[w:The Batchelor (American TV series)|The Batchelor]]''. ''[[w:Duck Dynasty|Duck Dynasty]]''. ''[[w:Keeping Up with the Kardashians|Keeping Up with the Kardashians]]''. 
:'''Calivon worker #2''': There must be ten thousand files here. What is this [[w:Reality television|reality television]]?
:'''Calivon zoo administrator''': The best exhibit we've ever had.

===''About a Girl'' [1.03]===
:'''Isaac''': Captain, I do not understand the reason for this conflict. Would the gender alteration procedure harm the infant or endanger her life?
:'''Kelly''': There are different kinds of harm, Isaac. Psychological harm, for one. I'd have been pretty pissed off if my parents had made the unilateral decision to make me a guy. 
:'''Mercer''': And while it might have saved me an entire marriage if they had, it still would have been wrong.
:'''Kelly''': ''[snippy]'' Oh, thanks.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Having just watched [[w:Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (TV special)|Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer]], Bortus has become very taken and inspired by it.]''
:'''Bortus''': Of ''course''. Without Rudolph's nose, Santa would not have been able to complete his voyage. 
:'''LaMarr''': Looks like Santa got pretty lucky, huh?
:'''Bortus''': Christmas would have been ruined had Rudolph had been euthanized at birth, as his father wished.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, I don't... I don't know if ''that'' was ever on the table.
:'''Bortus''': What was ''clearly'' a deformity became a supreme advantage. One can never know.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Bortus''': &quot;Between soul and sacrifice beats the heart of civilization.&quot;
:'''Kelly''': What's that from?
:'''Bortus''': It is from a novel by Gondus Elden, a Moclan writer of great esteem. It is customary to respond with a fitting passage from the literature of one's own planet.
:'''Kelly''': ... &quot;''[[w:Survivor (Destiny's Child song)|I'm a survivor. I'm not gon' give up. I'm not  gon' stop. I'm-a work harder.]]''&quot;
:'''Bortus''': Those are words of great power. Who wrote them?
:'''Mercer''': I think it was actually about fifteen different people.
:'''Bortus''': They must be very wise, these fifteen people.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Lieutenant Malloy, I'm gonna ask you a few questions that one might find on any basic test of adult knowledge. 
:'''Gordon''': Go for it.
:'''Kelly''': ''[low]'' These are gonna be kind of hard for you. Sorry.
:'''Gordon''': ''[low]'' It's okay, Commander. It's for the baby.
:'''Kelly''': Let's start off with some Earth history. A few hundred years ago, the continents of Earth were divided into separate nation states with individual sovereign governments. What was the capital of the United States of America?
:'''Gordon''': Um... pass.
:'''Kelly''': No, it's-it's not a 'pass' kind of thing. Just give me your closest guess. 
:'''Gordon''': What was the capital of the United States of America? [[w:Nabisco|Nabisco]]?
:'''Kelly''': No.
:'''Gordon''': The moon?
:'''Kelly''': Let's move on. What are the four chambers of the human heart?
:'''Gordon''': [[w:Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (film)|The chamber of secrets]], the chamber of horrors, the chamber of....
:'''Kelly''': No, no, let me get you halfway. There's the left and the right ventricle ant the left and the right...
:'''Gordon''': ... I would like to switch to movie trivia.
:'''Kelly''': Let's try one more. In the year 2056, which genetic engineer discovered how to target and eradicate individual cancer cells?
:'''Gordon''': Doctor... [[w:Bill Nye the Science Guy|Bill Nye the Cancer Guy]]?
:'''Kelly''': ''[to the tribunal]'' Well, my point is made. While this male may be the fleet's best pilot, he's also an idiot. (''low, to Gordon'') Sorry, Gordon.
:'''Gordon''': Totally okay.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Heveena''': &quot;The blackest abyss is a pock in the flesh when one has gazed in solitude upon the Infinity of self.&quot;
:'''Kagus''': You dare to use the words of Gondus Elden to serve your own purposes?! If he were here, he would ''spit'' on you for that!
:'''Heveena''': Would he? ''[approaches Kagus]'' Why don't you ask him?
:''[Murmurs come from the tribunal's audience.]''
:'''Kagus''': ''[stunned]'' No...
:'''Bortus''': I do not believe it.
:'''Kelly''': Well, look at that. Your planet's greatest writer... is a female.
:'''Heveena''': There are many ways to contribute to society, Advocate. This was mine.

===''If the Stars Should Appear'' [1.04]===
:'''Gordon''': ''[sighs]'' Star-mapping has got to be the most boring damn job there is. I'd rather have brunch with my parents.
:'''LaMarr''': Uh, I'd rather have brunch with my parents and their parents.
:'''Gordon''': I'd rather have brunch with my parents and their really good friends who they haven't seen in a while, who just got back from a vacation in Florida and took lots of pictures while visiting their daughter, who just had a brand new baby.
:'''LaMarr''': That just made me want to kill myself.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Kelly is being brutally interrogated by the worldship's theocratic dictator, Hamelac, and his Enforcers.]''
:'''Hamelac''': One more time. Who are you, and where are the others?
:'''Kelly''': I already told you, you stupid son-of-a-bitch. Our vessel encountered yours drifting in space, and we're trying to help you before you fall into that star and get your nuts burned off.
:'''Hamelac''': And I told you you're lying, because there is no such place. Again. Where are your friends?
:'''Kelly''': Well, last time I saw them, one of them was banging your mom, and the other one was high-fiving him.
:''[An Enforcer punches Kelly hard across the face.]''
:'''Hamelac''': Where... are... your... friends?
:'''Kelly''': ''[softly]'' Okay. I'll tell you. ''[speaking up]'' [[w:Friends|There's a little coffee shop on Lafayette Street in Soho called &quot;Central Perk.&quot; My friends are there.]] Just please... don't hurt [[w:Marcel (Friends)|the monkey]].

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Hamelac''': Is it possible that there's more to this universe than what we see. ''Yes'', it's possible!
:'''Dr. Claire Finn''': Then for God's sake, why don't you let us help you? We can try to repair your ship.
:'''Hamelac''': To do as you say would shatter our entire way of life. This world is not ready.
:'''Mercer''': No, you mean ''you're'' not ready to give up control over these people.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Claire''': ''&quot;If the stars should appear one night in a thousand years, how would men believe and adore and preserve for many generations the remembrance of the City of God.&quot;''
:'''Mercer''': Is that [[Shakespeare]]?
:'''Claire''': [[Emerson]].
:'''Mercer''': William Byron Emerson, yes, yes.
:'''Claire''': Ralph Waldo.
:'''Mercer''': Ralph Waldo. Lord Ralph Waldo [[Keats]]... David [[Thoreau]], yes.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kemka''': Thank you. For everything.
:'''Kelly''': Don't thank us. We just gave you back what was already yours.
:'''Kemka''': Yes. Our future.

===''Pria'' [1.05]===
:'''Isaac''': ''[trying to understand humor]'' But to derive mirth from the pain of another being is sadism, is it not?
:'''Mercer''': I  mean, it's case by case. Like, if a guy on a bike tries to do a trick, and he smashes his balls, that's funny.
:'''Bortus''': I would agree.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Captain, respectfully submit that the attractiveness of the ship's occupant makes the rescue imperative.
:'''LaMarr''': ''I'' could do it.
:'''Isaac''': The star's gravity will cause the comet to break apart in seven minutes, 23 seconds.
:'''LaMarr''': ''[to Gordon]'' ''You'' could do it.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': How many times have you done this (''forcibly taken ships and people into the future)?
:'''Pria''': When we get to my century, I'll introduce you to [[w:Amelia Earhart|Amelia Earhart]].

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Well, it's good to know teleportation is in our future.
:'''Pria''': You can take a breath in New York and exhale it in Paris.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': You know what the most depressing part about this is? I allowed myself to care about you, and you used me. And despite all of your claims that you still care about me, not once have you even said, &quot;I'm sorry.&quot;
:'''Pria''': It's a good rule in life never to apologize. The right kind of people never want apologies, and the wrong kind take advantage of them.
:'''Mercer''': Fair enough.

===''Krill'' [1.06]===
:'''Alara''': Apparently, having a girlfriend with ten times your physical strength makes a guy feel emasculated.
:'''LaMarr''': Wow, you're just gonna have to date Isaac here.
:'''Isaac''': I am fascinated by the interpersonal behavior of biological organisms. I would be happy to attempt sexual relations with you, Lieutenant.
:''[Everyone at the table falls into an embarrassed silence.]''
:'''Alara''': ''[strained]'' ... I'm actually just sort of working on myself right now. Um... (''clears her throat''), but thanks.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Captain Haros''': This chapel is a recreation of the one in which I worshiped as a child.
:'''Mercer/&quot;Chris&quot;''': Well, I guess it's true what they say: &quot;Rank has its privileges.&quot;
:'''Haros''': I have never heard that aphorism. Who says it?
:'''Mercer/&quot;Chris&quot;''': Oh. I... I guess it's me who says it.
:'''Haros''': it is a wise observation.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[at an evening meal]'' 
:'''Teleya''': Thank you, Avis, for this our sustenance, that it may provide strength and perseverance. ''[to the disguised Mercer and Ed]'' Would you like to say a blessing?
:'''Ed/&quot;Devon&quot;''': ''[bowing his head]'' Um... [[w:Avis Car Rental|Avis. We try harder.]]

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[during a classroom Q &amp; A]''
:'''Krill child''': Why doesn't the union believe in Avis?
:'''Ed/&quot;Devon&quot;''': Well, they worship their own god called [[w:The Hertz Corporation|Hertz]].
:'''Coja''': Do humans have souls?
:'''Teleya''': Of course not, Coja. 
:'''Coja''': Then how can they talk? Or make spaceships?
:'''Teleya''': A computer can talk. That does not mean it has a soul. Remember the ''Anhkana'' (''the Krill &quot;Bible&quot;''). &quot;Judge not a stranger by his sheath, but by his sword.&quot;

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[defending his killing of the Krill crew]'' Our mission was in the interest of peace. But your crew was going to murder a hundred thousand people. What the hell else could I have done?
:'''Teleya''': Why did you save the children?
:'''Mercer''': They're kids. With their whole lives ahead of them. They're not my enemies.
:'''Teleya''': After what they saw you do today,... they will be. ''They will be.''

===''Majority Rule'' [1.07]===
:''[Mercer sees the landing party dressed for an undercover mission in 21st century-style clothes.]'' 
:'''Mercer''': My God, you guys look  like unemployed backup dancers.
:'''Kelly''': ''You'' want to lead this landing party?
:'''Mercer''': No, I'm too shy to wear a [[w:Crop top|crop top]].

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': So (''your world'') is an absolute democracy? 
:'''Lysella''': Yeah. How does your world work?
:'''Mercer''': We select representatives who discuss issues and enact laws.
:'''Lysella''': But what about everybody else? Everybody deserves a voice. That's what we're taught.
:'''Bortus''': A voice should be earned, not given away.
:'''Mercer''': How do you know what foods are healthiest for your children, or what medicine to take if you're sick?
:'''Lysella''': We vote.
:'''Isaac''': I believe you are confusing opinion with knowledge.
:'''Alara''': I think what he's asking  is, with so many voices at once, how do you filter out the truth?
:'''Lysella''': Well, my dad always says, &quot;The majority ''are'' the truth.&quot; I mean, you always know what the majority wants. That's what matters.
:'''Mercer''': Well, you always know what the ''mob'' wants, too. And right now, the mob wants to lobotomize my navigator.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Isaac is flooding the planet's master opinion poll with false, albeit favorable, information about LaMarr to influence the Final Vote in his favor.]''
:'''Claire''': What if people try to corroborate all this information?
:'''Lysella''': Don't worry. They won't.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''LaMarr''': ''[having narrowly escaped the planetary punishment]'' Real quick, I just want to say, ''all'' y'all can suck ass, and I'm a spaceman.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Lysella, thank you.
:'''Lysella''': No. Thank ''you'' for letting me see all of this. I just wish I could tell somebody.
:'''Claire''': Well, all you need to tell them is that their world can do better.

===''Into the Fold'' [1.08]===
:'''Isaac''': Dr. Finn. I look forward to joining you and your offspring on this recreational outing. It will give me an opportunity to observe human familial dynamics at close range.
:'''Claire''': Crap.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': Your commands have little to no effect on (''your children's'') behavior. Perhaps you should reevaluate your method of controlling them. ''[gets hit on the back of the head by a flying portable video game]''
:'''Claire''': Just what I need. Parenting tips from a talking hubcap.
:'''Isaac''': ''[slightly surprised]'' You harbor prejudice against artificial life-forms.
:'''Claire''': Only against life-forms that think they're better than everyone else.
:'''Isaac''': I ''am'' better than everyone else.
:'''Claire''': Oh, and so modest.
:'''Isaac''': It was not intended as a boast. Merely a statement of fact. My only directive is to study human behavior in the interest of relations between Kaylon and the Union.
:'''Claire''': You want to improve relations? Don't tell a mother how to raise her kids.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Barry Manilow's &quot;[[w:Somewhere Down the Road (Barry Manilow song)|Somewhere Down the Road]]&quot; plays in the engineering room while the crew does systems upgrades.]''
:'''LaMarr''': Hey, uh, Steve? You think we could change the music? Something less depressing?
:'''Chief Engineer Newton''': You got to get cultured, my friend. [[w:Barry Manilow|Barry Manilow]] was an underappreciated genius of his time.
:'''LaMarr''': Then how come I want to throw myself out the airlock?
:'''Yaphit''': I got to say, watching your corpse drift away to this music would be so peaceful.
:''[Mercer enters and hears the song.]'' 
:'''Mercer''': ''[sighing]'' Oh, God, Manilow was a genius.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Marcus''': Mom... I'm... I'm sorry that I didn't want to go on the trip. And I'm sorry I said you suck. I didn't mean it.
:'''Claire''': Marcus. Listen to me. People say things they don't mean when they're angry. You know how sometimes I yell at you and your brother if you something wrong? Well, you know I still love you with all my heart, right?
:'''Marcus''': Uh-huh.
:'''Claire''': And I know you love me right back. So it's all okay. You understand?
:'''Marcus''': Yeah.
:'''Claire''': I know you love your brother, too. So, right now, I want you to help Isaac take care of him. Do you understand?
:'''Marcus''': Yes, ma'am.
:'''Claire''': Good. I love you.
:'''Marcus''': I love you, too.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': May I make a final observation? Your children are unruly, disrespectful, volatile, and highly unpredictable. I am quite fond of them.
:'''Claire''': Welcome to the family.

===''Cupid's Dagger'' [1.09]===
:'''Mercer''': Did you hear what he said just now? He goes, he goes 'I am entitled to my feelings and the space to express them.' My God, thank you for lighting me on fire and then giving me ''permission'' to be in pain.

===''Firestorm'' [1.10]===
:'''Newton''': ''[delivering Lt. Harrison Payne's eulogy]'' Hey, guys. Thanks for coming. Harrison was a great guy. We met at camp the summer after eighth grade when he gave me the [[w:Heimlich maneuver|Heimlich maneuver]] after I accidentally swallowed a wine cork. Harrison and I went through a lot together. He was my best friend. And it's fitting that his last name was &quot;Payne&quot;, because he probably died in a lot of it. Which is exactly the kind of thing he would find funny, in case any one was planning to get mad at me. Anyway... Rest in  peace, Harrison. You were the best.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': It's a little short for a condolence letter.
:'''Mercer''': I know, I ''suck'' at these things. I don't want to make it sound too generic, but I hardly knew the man, so I-I just got nothing to go on.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, but look how you open it: &quot;Dear Mr. and Mrs. Payne, I'm deeply sorry for your loss. Your son was such a neat guy.&quot; I mean, that's.. that's terrible.
:'''Mercer''': I'm not a writer, okay?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Wait, what if we all ''died'' in that plasma storm, and this is actually some kind of [[w:Purgatory|Purgatory]]. 
:'''LaMarr''': ''How'' would we know we were in Purgatory? What's Purgatory even like?
:'''Kelly''': You ever been married?
:'''LaMarr''': No.
:'''Mercer''': It's like that.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': This is gonna sound like I'm talking out of my ass.
:'''Isaac''': Then please try to enunciate.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Alara''': So, who's afraid of clowns?
:'''LaMarr''': That's me.
:'''Alara''': You really ''are'' afraid of clowns?
:'''LaMarr''': ''[getting nervous]'' Yes. ''Please'' stop saying the &quot;C&quot; word.
:'''Alara''': And the abyss?
:'''Claire''': Heights. My phobia.
:'''Alara''': What about the sickbay mess?
:'''Gordon''': That's me. Scared to death of surgery. I had a [[w:Skin tag|skin tag]] removed once, total panic attack.
:'''Mercer''': The spiders came from me. I'm a bit of an arachnophobe.
:'''Isaac''': Commander Grayson cited a fear of isolation, with which I conceived the empty ship.
:'''Alara''': That just leaves crazy psycho Isaac.
:'''Kelly''': You can thank Bortus for that one.
:'''Alara''': ''[regards Bortus, realizes]'' Fear of being conquered by a superior enemy.
:'''Bortus''': I am feeling very self-conscious. May I leave?
:'''Mercer''': Uh, sure. ''[Bortus leaves the room]''

===''New Dimensions'' [1.11]===
:'''Kelly''': Generally, when someone's as smart as you are, they make productive use of it.
:'''LaMarr''': Well, with all due respect, Commander, that's ''my'' business.
:'''Kelly''': Lieutenant, have you ever studied the history of money?
:'''LaMarr''': Not really. I know people used to use it to buy houses and sandwiches and stuff.
:'''Kelly''': Exactly. It became obsolete with the invention of matter synthesis. The predominant currency became reputation. 
:'''LaMarr''': Yeah, so?
:'''Kelly''': My point is, human ambition didn't vanish. The only thing that changed was how we quantify wealth. People still want to be rich, only now rich means being the best at what you do.
:'''LaMarr''': Not everybody wants that. Some people like to keep it simple. Some people want to go to work, go home, drink a beer and pass out.
:'''Kelly''': Are you one of those people?
:'''LaMarr''': I am very fond of drinking beer and passing out, yes.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Captain Blavaroch''': ''Grahj-kalooga''.
:'''Mercer''': Anybody speak Horbalak?
:'''Isaac''': The direct translation is, &quot;You can shove it up your--&quot;
:'''Mercer''': Okay, got it, got it.
:'''Isaac''': Do you wish to hear the rest of the translation?
:'''Mercer''': No, no, I-I get the gist.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''LaMarr''': I think we could create a stable quantum bubble inside the shuttle, and preserve three-dimensional space.
:'''Claire''': So, the outside would be squashed, but the inside wouldn't.
:'''Mercer''': More space inside than out, just like [[w:The Doctor|Doctor Who]]'s [[w:TARDIS|phone booth]].
:'''Kelly''': Or [[w:Oscar the Grouch|Oscar the Grouch]]'s can.
:'''LaMarr''': Or [[w:Snoopy|Snoopy]]'s doghouse, yeah.
:'''Claire''': The miracles of quantum physics.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''LaMarr''': ''[to the engineering crew]'' Now you listen to me, and you listen good. Yaphit's a member of our team, and you're gonna treat him that way. He had an idea and I thought it was a good one. ''I'' made the decision to go with it. So if you want to blame somebody, you blame me. It's ''my'' fault. And now maybe people will ''believe'' me when I say I am ''not'' a ''commander''! Now get back to work.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Excuse my bluntness, but... why do you hide your brains?
:'''LaMarr''': The colony where I'm from was brand-new, lot of farmers, lot of builders. They didn't trust anyone who was too much of an egghead. You'd be surprised how fast you can alienate people when you're always right. I wanted to be liked, accepted. Just became habit, I guess.

===''Mad Idolatry'' [1.12]===
:'''Isaac''': Commander, I remind you to use caution. Any contact with a culture that primitive (''[[w:Bronze Age|Bronze Age]]-level'') --
:'''Kelly''': ''[a bit snappish]'' Yeah, I know. Cultural contamination. I don't need you to remind me of the rules.
:'''Isaac''': ''[somewhat put out]'' I am merely attempting to be helpful, Commander. There is no need to be -- what does Captain Mercer call it -- &quot;pissy&quot;.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Mercer hasn't included Kelly's contact with a planetary local in his report to the Admiral.]''
:'''Kelly''': Why didn't you tell her?
:'''Mercer''': You helped out a kid, that's all. And cultural contamination of a society that undeveloped is a serious charge. I just don't want to have to come visit you in prison.
:'''Kelly''': Really? You wouldn't want to visit a woman's prison?
:'''Mercer''': You're right, I'll call her back.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[The 'Kelly' blessing]''
:'''Kelly''': Um... I hope your kid grows up and, uh... does a lot of good stuff. And... um...
:'''Gordon''': ''[aside]'' And doesn't get any girls pregnant.
:'''Kelly''': And doesn't get any girls pregnant! Stay in school.
:'''Gordon''': Amen.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Look, there's been a little misunderstanding. I'm not who you think I am.
:'''Valondis''': But you are. Healer of men. Divine hand of the heavens. God of all creation.
:'''Alara''': Man, this guy'd be the perfect boyfriend.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Female planetary representative''': Our society has become a space-faring culture with ships spread out across the galaxy. In our home universe, that is. But we wouldn't have gotten where we are without growing pains.
:'''Male planetary representative''': ''[to Kelly]'' Our planet worshiped you as a deity for many centuries. But had it not been you, the mythology would have found another face. It's part of every culture's evolution. It's one of the stages of learning. And eventually, it brought us here.
:'''Female planetary representative''': So you see, Commander, you didn't poison our culture with false faith. We flourish. ''You'' must have faith in reason, in discovery, and in the endurance of the logical mind.

==Season 2==
===''Ja'loja'' [2.01]===
:'''Mercer''': ''[having drinks with Alara at the mess hall bar]'' You know, there are times when I feel like you and I are more alike than any two people on the ship.
:'''Alara''': How so?
:'''Mercer''': Well, we both know we're good at our jobs, and yet we also seem to be the only two people who are haunted by this little voice that's always whispering that we don't really deserve to be here. And we're both alcoholics.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Mercer is briefing the senior officers about Bortus' ''ja'loja'', a Moclan's annual urination ceremony.]''
:'''Mercer''': Okay. Now, I know this is gonna sound utterly insane to most of you and your first instinct may be to laugh, but we're all going to take this seriously, so I don't want to hear any jokes, no snide remarks, nothing.
:''[later]''
:'''Mercer''': ''[innocently]'' Bortus, if you need any time off to make preparations, feel free to relieve yourself.
:''[Gordon snickers and Mercer, realizing what he's just said, hangs his head, embarrassed.]''
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Bortus]'' No, it's-it's okay, man. He's just taking the piss out of you.
:'''Mercer''': ''[immediately]'' Okay, that's it. Dismissed. We're done. We're done.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': ''[regarding Ty's piano playing]'' Very, good, Ty. You have been practicing.
:'''Ty''': Yeah. Mom makes me practice a half hour every day. How long did it take ''you'' to learn piano?
:'''Isaac''': Approximately one-millionth of a [[w:Nanosecond|nanosecond]]. 
:'''Ty''': Wow.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[giving Cassius advice on dating Kelly]'' Here's my theory. A woman can't really love a man unless he's part dope. Be a little stupid every day, and ''really'' stupid once in a while, but... just don't be perfect.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Bortus''': ''[commencing his'' Ja'loja ''ceremony]'' In the sight of those who stand with me, and those for whom I would sacrifice my being, I begin... the Release.

===''Primal Urges'' [2.02]===
:'''LaMarr''': Man, ten planets gobbled up by a hungry star. Remind me not to be on Earth when that happens to us.
:'''Isaac''': Earth's sun will not become a red supergiant for another five billion years, Commander. You will be long deceased and forgotten.
:'''LaMarr''': ''[laughs]'' There's gonna be some ladies still talking about ''me''.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Topa''': ''[picking at his food]'' Papa, can I be all done now?
:'''Bortus''': No, Topa. Finish your ''plokta''. Remember: if you do not eat, you will die.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Why the hell is dealing with Moclan culture always this difficult?
:'''Mercer''': They mutilate their female babies. They kill each other when they want a divorce. What do they do when it's someone's birthday, light the parents on fire?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': Surely, there is a more civilized means of selecting those who will be evacuated.
:'''Bortus''': I do not know, but it is their way.
:'''Isaac''': A random drawing of names is quite inefficient. It would be wiser to select the members of the society who possess the highest degree of intelligence.
:'''Bortus''': I may be a 'primitive organism', but I am happy I am ''not'' like you.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Bortus''': I have been a bad mate. I have been disrespectful. Instead of speaking my mind aloud, I have retreated into a fantasy world.
:'''Klyden''': Dr. Finn says, if you talk about it, you get rid of it.
:'''Bortus''': Klyden. I do not know that I will ever be fully at peace with what happened to Topa. But today, I  witnessed events that... l am very fortunate to have you and Topa in my life. And I do not wish to lose you again.
:'''Klyden''': I do not wish to lose you, either.

===''Home'' [2.03]===
:''[The crew insist on yet another arm wrestling match between Alara and Isaac, on which they wager.]''
:'''Isaac''': I still fail to comprehend the purpose of this ritual.
:'''Alara''': We're circus animals, Isaac. I hate to break it to you.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': ''[marveling at the Xelayan city and landscape]'' God, I just can't... I mean, ''look'' at that.
:'''Mercer''': Nothing like it.
:'''Gordon''': You know, it's places like this that make me realize... God, I'm trash. My family is trash.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Alara''': Those people (''the'' Orville ''crew'') inspired me more in a year than anyone on Xelayah did my entire life.
:'''Ildis Kitan''': Now that is the gravity sickness talking.
:'''Alara''': No, Dad, that's ''me'' talking! Open your stupid ears and listen. All I ever needed to hear from you was, &quot;You can do it.&quot; That's all. Just once. And-and maybe that would've been a lie, but I needed that, Dad. I really needed it. And you know who said it to me instead. Captain Mercer, Commander Grayson and everyone on the ''Orville''. But not my own father.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Anything new in Engineering?
:'''Kelly''': Nothing departmental, but Yaphit's six-month evaluation was last week, and he asked what our parental leave is.
:'''Mercer''': Why? Is he thinking of splitting in half?
:'''Kelly''': We can't legally ask him that.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Ildis''': ''[badly shaken]'' Alara, you... We would all have been...
:'''Alara''': You don't have to say it, Dad. It's my job. It's what I've been trying to tell you for years. 
:'''Ildis''': They would have killed us. All of us.
:'''Alara''': Probably
:'''Ildis''': ''[getting emotional]'' I don't know you. I never even ''tried'' to know you.
:'''Alara''': I ''wanted'' you to know me, Dad. All I ever wanted was for you to be proud of me.
:'''Ildis''': I am so proud. So very proud that you are my daughter. ''[on the verge of tears]'' And I'm so sorry that you got me for a father.
:''[Ildis begins crying. Alara takes his uninjured hand to comfort him.]''

===''Nothing Left on Earth Excepting Fishes'' [2.04]===
:'''Mercer''': You know, you got to pick a movie some night. I feel like I'm always the one doing it.
:'''Janel''': Well, you're doing good so far. What was that one you showed me about the taxi driver?
:'''Mercer''': ''[[w:Taxi Driver|Taxi Driver]]''.
:'''Janel''': Yeah, what was that called?
:'''Mercer''': Yeah, it was... it was called ''Taxi Driver''.
:'''Janel''': Oh, right. Yeah. ''[laughs]'' I liked that one.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Teleya''': If I was not going to kill you, I would give you some advice.
:'''Mercer''': Please. Love to hear it.
:'''Teleya''': You are painfully attentive. The failure of your marriage has caused you to overcompensate in the moment. And yet, paradoxically, despite this, your work remains your first priority. You have no balance.
:'''Mercer''': My God, you sound like my ex-wife.
:'''Teleya''': You feel entitled to educate others, but your own worldview is self-defeatingly narrow.
:'''Mercer''': Yeah, well, at least I know who [[Billy Joel]] is.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Okay. I can see I'm an open book, whether I want to be or not. I guess lately I've been feeling... bored with myself. Like, is this all I am -- a guy who drives ships from one place to another? And if I'm not enough for myself, what if that means... I'm not enough for other people?
:'''Kelly''': I hope you know that's not true. Look, just be sure you're doing this (''command training'') for the right reasons. When you're in command, the last person you think about is yourself. Make sense?
:''[Gordon nods.]''
:'''Kelly''': And by the way, if your goal is to prove how charming and awesome you are, as far as I'm concerned, you've already passed that test with flying colors.
:'''Gordon''': Thanks, Commander.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Look, from what we've seen, when planets first achieve space travel, and they venture out into the galaxy and discover that they're just one single species among a vast diversity of life-forms, they usually react in one of two ways. They embrace and adapt to the fact that they're no longer the center of the universe, or they ratchet up their xenophobia. Now, from what I've learned of your history, the Krill were a lot less fanatical before you left your home world.
:'''Teleya''': You know nothing of our history.
:'''Mercer''': I know fear when I see it. You're afraid to accept the fact that your superiority may just be a comforting myth.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Teleya''': If you believe releasing me will somehow improve relations between our people, you are indulging another fantasy.
:'''Mercer''': Defect of my species. We never give up hope.

===''All the World Is Birthday Cake'' [2.05]===
:'''Satellite technician''': Alignment complete. Transmitters at full power. Now all we need is something to say.
:'''Prefect''': Let's keep it simple. &quot;Is anyone out there?&quot;

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[having his initial interview with new security chief Talla Keyali]'' So, I know what I read in the initial report, but I wanted to hear your version. It says you punched your last captain in the face?
:'''Talla Keyali''': I did, sir.
:'''Mercer''': Knocked him out.
:'''Talla''': Out cold, yeah.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Bortus has declined having a joint birthday party with Kelly's.]''
:'''Kelly''': Why not?
:'''Bortus''': I prefer my birthday to be ''my'' day.
:'''Gordon''': He's afraid he's gonna get less stuff.
:'''Bortus''': I am not afraid.
:'''Gordon''': And he's right. Joint birthday, less stuff for everybody. It's a trap, Bortus.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Mercer and Talla are trying to negotiate with the Prefect, a firm believer in astrology, for the release of Kelly and Bortus.]''
:'''Prefect''': Why are you defending them? You ''live'' among the stars. You should understand their significance better than anyone.
:'''Talla''': We actually have this crazy system where we judge people by their actions, not their birthdates. It's kinda wacky, I know.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Talla''': Captain, I have what might be an uncomfortable question. What's gonna happen when the Regorians figure out the star is fake?
:'''Mercer''': That's actually a really good question. We just lied to an entire planet, and I don't know what the ethics of that mean. But that lie meant freedom for an entire portion of the population, so... the short answer is I don't know. 
:'''Kelly''': By the time their technology advances to the point where they know the jig is up, they may not even care anymore.

===''A Happy Refrain'' [2.06]===
:''[Mercer speaking to Gordon privately regarding Bortus' mustache]''
:'''Mercer''': Hey, um, you remember that conversation we had about ''selectivity'' with what you say to Bortus?
:'''Gordon''': Yeah.
:''[Mercer gives Gordon a look.]''
:'''Gordon''': ''[realizing]'' Oh. ''This'' would've been --
:'''Mercer''': This would've been one of those things, yeah.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': I just think, if it had a little more kick when I hit the gas, it would feel better, you know? 
:'''LaMarr''': You understand this isn't a [[w:Porsche|Porsche]], right? This is a quantum drive engine that makes a thousand trillion independent calculations every millisecond.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, I know that. I-I just like to feel a certain level of responsiveness when I'm driving.
:'''LaMarr''': Oh, okay. You want power steering, too? Maybe an air freshener shaped like a little tree?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[The bridge crew is asking Isaac about his date with Claire.]''
:'''Talla''': Did you have fun? Were there sparks?
:'''Isaac''': Sparks?
:'''Talla''': Yeah.
:'''Isaac''': Negative. There was no equipment malfunction.
:'''Mercer''': Well, you don't have to brag about it.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': There is one part of the relationship experience that you haven't yet tackled.
:'''Isaac''': Please elaborate.
:'''Mercer''': You screwed up, and now you have to win back the girl.
:'''Isaac''': Dr. Finn has made her wishes clear.
:'''Mercer''': Yeah, well, Dr. Finn is also the wisest person on board this ship. She knows how new this is to you. If she sees you making a real effort, then who knows? She just might be understanding.
:'''Isaac''': I have no experience in such matters.
:'''Mercer''': Yeah, well, there's no rule book for this one. You just have to take everything you know about her, every bit of data, and do something you've never done.
:'''Isaac''': What is that?
:'''Mercer''': Be creative.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': We are, without a doubt, the ''weirdest'' ship in the fleet.

===''Deflectors'' [2.07]===
:'''Gordon''': When Moclans break up, is there, like, all that stabbing, like with the divorce?
:'''Bortus''': No. Each Moclan extracts a tooth and leaves it with his former mate.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah. I knew it had to be something like that.
:'''Mercer''': Do you still have the tooth?
:'''Bortus''': No. It is given to the next mate.
:'''Gordon''': Let me guess. He ''eats'' it.
:'''Bortus''': That is correct.
:'''Gordon''': ''Yes!'' Man, I'm gettin' so good at this.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': You know, there's something seriously wrong with all of us when the most stable relationship on the ''Orville'' is Isaac's.
:'''LaMarr''': Yeah, man, what's your secret?
:'''Isaac''': Dr. Finn has cautioned me against speaking too openly about our coupling.
:'''Talla''': Did something happen?
:'''Gordon''': Oh, yeah. He was going around the ship asking everybody what sexual positions are most pleasurable to biological lifeforms.
:'''Isaac''': I was merely attempting to provide Dr. Finn with the most dutifully calibrated coital experience.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, no, that's what women want: dutiful coitus.
:'''LaMarr''': Hey. I'm trying to eat here.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Talla''': The galaxy is full of so many unhappy people. Why ignore something good?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Talla''': I mean, this has to be the most insane thing that's ever happened on this ship.
:'''LaMarr''': Well, one time, I almost died 'cause I humped a statue.
:'''Gordon''': Isaac once cut my leg off.
:'''LaMarr''': And the captain and commander, they got put in a zoo.
:'''Gordon''': And Bortus almost crashed the ship 'cause of porn.
:'''Talla''': I see.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Klyden''': If you had not done your job, I would have gone to prison. I owe you a debt.
:'''Talla''': You want to repay me, here's how. When you see me in the corridor, walk the other way.
:'''Klyden''': I do not understand.
:'''Talla''': Locar didn't hurt you. He didn't hurt anyone. All he wanted was love. And yet, because of you, his life is over, for no reason except your own prejudice. ''[getting emotional]'' So as far as I'm concerned, you can go straight to [[Hell]].

===''Identity, part 1'' [2.08]===
:''[Mercer is asking permission to take a disabled Isaac back to his home world.]''
:'''Mercer''': Look, sir, Isaac is a member of my crew. We all care about him. And right now, the only people who can help him are on Kaylon.
:'''Admiral Halsey''': And you're sure there's nothing you can do for him on the ''Orville''?
:'''Mercer''': Picture your mom trying to hook up a stereo.
:'''Admiral Halsey''': ''[realizing]'' I understand.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Claire''': ''[softly, to an inert, deactivated Isaac]'' I love you. Please, don't go.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': ''[to Ty and Marcus]'' Remember to consume your daily required nutrients and obey your mother's commands. I fully expect that you will both mature into competent and productive adults.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kaylon #1''': You oscillate between periods of enlightenment and tyranny. Can you prove this cycle has been broken?
:'''Mercer''': Well, the Union itself is all the proof you need. We are over three hundred planetary governments working together to ensure that no single world imposes its will upon another. We treat each other as equals.
:'''Kaylon #2''': And was the Kaylon emissary treated as an equal aboard your ship?
:'''Mercer''': Isaac? Of course.
:'''Kaylon #2''': Then perhaps you can explain the abuse inflicted by your crew.
:'''Kelly''': Abuse?
:'''Kaylon #2''': According to his reports, Isaac was repeatedly demeaned and degraded. In one case, his cranial shell was disfigured by prosthetic appendages.
:'''Kaylon #1''': &quot;[[w:Mr. Potato Head|Mr. Potato Head]]&quot;.
:'''Mercer''': He... told you about that, huh?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Isaac is encouraged to give a speech at his farewell party.]''
:'''Isaac''': I do not know any speeches.
:'''Mercer''': ''[good-naturedly]'' You're a walking database. Search your files.
:''[Isaac consults his files and walks up in front of the crew.]''
:'''Isaac''': [[Sally Field|I want to say &quot;Thank You&quot; to you all. I wanted more than anything to have your respect. And I can't deny the fact that you like me. Right now, you like me.]]

===''Identity, part 2'' [2.09]===
:'''Gordon''': ''[arriving late to a strategy session in the cargo bay]'' Sorry, I was in the pee corner.
:'''Kelly''': The what?
:'''Gordon''': Oh. Well, there's no place to go to the bathroom down here, so we all agreed on one corner. Yeah, no, trust me, you don't want to go over there unless you have to.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kaylon Primary''': You will now terminate the human (''Ty''). If you do not comply, you will be deactivated.
:'''Isaac''': Very well.
:''[Isaac approaches, then 'kills' Primary by tearing his head from his body. Isaac then shoots the Kaylon guards.]''
:'''Isaac''': Deactivation complete.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[A Krill fleet has arrived and successfully engaged the Kaylon ships.]''
:'''Kelly''': ''[on the viewscreen]'' Captain Mercer, meet Captain Dalak.
:'''Mercer''': It's good to meet you, Captain. We owe you one.
:'''Dalak''': Try to stay out of our way.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Captain, it seems we have a common enemy. I hope that means we can work toward finding a common ground.
:'''Dalak''': Avis united our paths for a reason. But only He truly knows why. We shall see where that path leads.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': My actions have eliminated the possibility of returning to my planet. And the actions of the Kaylon have eliminated my wish to do so. I have no home.
:'''Claire''': Lots of people say that home is wherever you make it.
:'''Isaac''': A human cliche.
:'''Claire''': Cliches become cliched precisely because they're valid enough to bear endless repetition. 
:''[Claire goes to stand beside Isaac.]''
:'''Claire''': I understand you're alone in the universe. And, for a time, that's something you'll have to live with. There's an old human custom called 'forgiveness'. It, too, takes time. But it must have a beginning. ''[regards Isaac]'' Good night, Isaac. ''[leaves]''

===''Blood of Patriots'' [2.10]===
:'''Orrin''': Losing (''my wife'') was the worst thing that ever happened to me. You know what scared me the most? It was the knowledge that someday, years down the line, there would come a time when her absence would feel like the norm, when I would resign myself to her loss, and my life -- the life that I accepted as real-- would be the one without her in it. And now that ''is'' my reality.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Look, Gordon, I'm just trying to do the right thing.
:'''Gordon''': The right thing is to protect him (''Orrin''). He's a Union officer. Do your job.
:'''Mercer''': ''[in all seriousness]'' I'll let you know when I figure out what that is.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Leyna is holding a knife to Talla's throat.]''
:'''Talla''': You ever met a Xelayan before?
:'''Leyna''': ''[scoffs]'' No.
:''[Talla uses her superhuman strength to throw Leyna across the room and into the wall, hard]''
:'''Talla''': You have, now.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Mercer and the Krill ambassador have just signed a preliminary peace agreement between the Union and the Krill.]''
:'''Mercer''': I hope that this marks the beginning of a new era of nonviolence between our two peoples.
:'''Krill ambassador''': We will see. A peace is only as strong as those who uphold it.
:'''Kelly''': And, of course, trust is earned.
:'''Krill ambassador''': We agree on ''that'', Commander.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': I count on you, man.
:'''Gordon''': Dude, you can always count on me. That's never gonna change. You're my best friend. Nobody's ever gonna come along and mess it up, I swear. I mean, maybe, like, a really hot girl, but other than that, it's rock-solid.
:'''Mercer''': ''[chuckles]'' Thanks.

===''Lasting Impressions'' [2.11]===
:'''Laura''': ''[video message on her phone to the future]'' Okay. Hey, what's up, future people? Hi. I'm Laura Huggins, and if you're seeing this, you found my phone. So, I'm from [[w:Saratoga Springs, New York|Saratoga Springs, New York]], and some people in my town had this idea to make a time capsule, and I thought this was a really cool thing to do and I was trying to think of what I could put in there that would show the future something about who I am, and since I just got the new [[w:iPhone |iPhone]], I thought instead of sticking my old one in a drawer somewhere, I'd put it in the capsule. So, here I am. Here ''you'' are. And since I'm probably long dead by now, you can read all my texts and e-mails and look at all my pictures and decide whether you think I was, I dunno, cool or a bitch or whatever. Anyway, I ''hope'' you guys have, like, flying cars or something by now, and if you do, I'm super jealous, and I'm really sorry I'm not there to hang with you guys. Um, but, hey, have fun getting to know who I ''was''.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Dr. Sherman''': ''[regarding a text message on Laura's phone]'' Look at this. She's clearly asking her friend where to find the nearest repair service for her device. But instead of writing &quot;Wireless Telecommunications Facility&quot;, she just writes &quot;WTF&quot;.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Bortus and Klyden are trying cigarettes for the first time.]''
:'''Klyden''': The sensation is... wonderful.
:'''Bortus''': I have never experienced such a flavor.
:'''Klyden''': I feel as if I have been standing my entire life and I just sat down.
:''[They continue smoking.]''
:'''Klyden''': The ''tingles!'' Do you feel them?
:'''Bortus''': I do.
:'''Klyden''': We must have more.
:'''Bortus''': ''[to the synthesizer]'' Five hundred cigarettes. ''[The synthesizer complies.]''

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': No, seriously, I think if the right person heard you (''sing''), you'd be a huge success.
:'''Laura''': But I don't even have to be a ''huge'' success. I just want to be rich enough to be unhappy, but not enough to be miserable.
:'''Gordon''': Fair enough.
:'''Laura''': No, more important than that, I just think it would be nice to be remembered for something. You know? I mean, we all live and die on this planet, and most of us are just forgotten. To me, there's nothing sadder about the world than that.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': God, I'm gonna miss her. So much.
:'''Kelly''': People have been living and dying for as long as humans have existed. Most are forgotten. But not this one. She reached across four centuries and got a guy to fall in love. We should all be so rare.

===''Sanctuary'' [2.12]===
:''[Admiral Halsey relates that, in addition to a weapons upgrade, the'' Orville ''is to transport a Moclan engineer to another vessel.]''
:'''Mercer''': Sir, with all due respect, we're starting to feel like a taxi cab here.
:'''Halsey''': I know. But it's the ''least'' we can do in exchange for bigger guns.
:'''Mercer''': All right.
:'''Halsey''': Have fun. Halsey out. ''[ends transmission]''
:'''Kelly''': I'll go start the meter.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Heveena''': It was always inevitable that fate would beckon us from the shadows. &quot;[[w:Mahatma Ghandi|Every revolution begins with a single act of defiance]].&quot;
:'''Kelly''': One of yours?
:'''Heveena''': Actually, I don't know who said it.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Heveena listens to the opening lines to the song'' &quot;[[w:9 to 5 (Dolly Parton song)|9 to 5]]&quot; ''and is greatly moved.]''
:'''Heveena''': Who is she?
:'''Mercer''': That's, uh, [[w:Dolly Parton|Dolly Parton]].
:''[Heveena continues listening to the song.]''
:'''Heveena''': ''[awed]'' She speaks with the might of a hundred soldiers.
:'''Mercer''': ''[a little bemused]'' Yeah. Yeah, I guess she does.
:'''Heveena''': This is the voice of our revolution.
:'''Mercer''': Well, you know, there's actually a whole bunch of stuff--
:'''Heveena''': ''No!'' It is she.
:'''Mercer''': Okay, then. Go, Dolly.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[to the assembled admirals]'' Look, I understand what's at stake. I'm just saying that if we're not willing to stand up for the values that this Union was founded on... what exactly are we defending?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Heveena''': But just as we took that bold first step, in time, others like us ''will'' take a second one. The revolution has begun. We will rise, one small victory at a time.
:'''Kelly''': I believe you will.
:'''Heveena''': Captain. Do you suppose Dolly Parton would be proud of us?
:'''Mercer''': ''[smiling broadly]'' Oh, yeah.

===''Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow'' [2.13]===
:''[Mercer, Kelly, Gordon and Talla are sharing drinks and talking.]''
:'''Talla''': Okay, wait, I want to hear the rest of this story.
:'''Gordon''': Okay, okay, so let me finish. So we're all at this reception at Admiral Halsey's house, and Philippa Jones is there.
:'''Talla''': The novelist.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, right. So Kelly just spent two hours pouring scotch down Ed's throat--
:'''Kelly''': ''[in good humor]'' Okay, you're demoted.
:'''Gordon''': --and we're leaving, and Philippa walks up and says, &quot;It was nice meeting you&quot;, and Ed goes, ''[slurred voice]'' &quot;Good night, Fallopia.&quot; ''[Talla laughs]'' He called her Fallopia.
:'''Mercer''': They heard you the first time, thanks. ''[Everyone laughs]''

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''LaMarr''': Just for the record, the dysonium field condenser analysis is something a first-year cadet could do. Why's it always gotta be ''me''?
:'''Kelly''': We all just sleep better at night knowing it gets your personal tender-loving care.
:'''LaMarr''': ''[walking out]'' Well, just pop a sleeping pill.
:'''Kelly''': I'll try that, too.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': I don't know how the food synthesizers are gonna replicate enough wine for two Kellys.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Past Kelly''': ''[to Kelly]'' You're not married. You're not a captain. You &quot;maintain a distance&quot; from your crew. There were three things I wanted in life, and you haven't come close on one. You've made my future a disappointment.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Past Mercer''': Hey.
:'''Past Kelly''': Hi.
:'''Past Mercer''': I hope I'm not calling too early. Did I wake you up?
:'''Past Kelly''': No, no, I was, um... ''[looks around]''
:'''Past Mercer''': You okay?
:'''Past Kelly''': Yeah. I... What's up?
:'''Past Mercer''': Well, um... I know this goes completely against the cool guy playbook, but I had a really great time with you last night, and... I was wondering if I could take you out again.
:'''Past Kelly''': I just, um... I just don't see us working out. I'm sorry. ''[hangs up]''

===''The Road Not Taken'' [2.14]===
:''[The alternate Mercer and Gordon's shuttle is being tractor-beamed into a Scavenger ship.]''
:'''Gordon''': What do we do?
:'''Mercer''': ''[handing Gordon a gun]'' We fight. I'm not gonna let our last meal be a [[w:Twinkie|Twinkie]].

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': In the other timeline, we got married. Long story short, I had an affair, we got divorced. Out of guilt, I helped get you command of the ''Orville''. And because you were captain, the Kaylon were defeated.
:'''Mercer''': Because ''I'' was captain?
:'''Kelly''': Yes.
:'''Mercer''': ''I'' stopped the Kaylon?
:'''Kelly''': Right.
:'''Mercer''': I had to swim with my shirt on until I was twenty.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[The derelict ''Orville'''s bridge doors are jammed closed.]''
:'''Mercer''': Talla, you want to open this jar of pickles?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Am I a terrible person, that... part of me wants this timeline to continue?
:'''Mercer''': ''[sighs]'' You're asking the wrong guy.
:'''Kelly''': In the middle of this nightmare universe, I've felt this weird sense of comfort... being with you.
:'''Mercer''': Well, maybe we'll fail (''to restore the timeline''). Have to go find someplace to live in secret.
:'''Kelly''': Some nice little house on a deserted planet. We could have a couple of kids. Boy and a girl. 
:'''Mercer''': We'd have to learn how to farm, how to cook.
:'''Kelly''': Look at the sunset every night.
:'''Mercer''': Look at you every morning. ''[They kiss.]'' You know, Gordon's probably gonna have to live with us.
:'''Kelly''': Shut up, you're ruining it. ''[They share a longer kiss.]''

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Past Mercer''': Hey.
:'''Past Kelly''': Hey.
:'''Past Mercer''': I hope I'm not calling too early. Did I wake you up?
:'''Past Kelly''': No. I was already awake. What's going on?
:'''Past Mercer''': Well, um... I know this goes completely against the cool guy playbook, but I had a really great time with you last night, and... I was wondering if I could take you out again.
:'''Past Kelly''': I'd love it.

== New Horizons ==
===''Electric Sheep'' {3.1]===
&lt;center&gt;
'''''Opening credits tribute''': &quot;In Memory of [[w:Norm Macdonald|Norm Macdonald]] 1959 - 2021&quot;''
&lt;/center&gt;


:'''Charly Burke''': ''[to Isaac, talking about her best friend who was killed in the Kaylon battle]'' One second, she was there... and the next, she was gone. Along with three hundred other people. Because of you. So you see, it really is a shame that you can't feel anything. Because you deserve to feel all the pain in the universe. And if I were you, I'd stay the hell out of the mess hall. It makes people sick to look at you.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': I hope (''LaMarr'')'s taken at least one night off in the last three weeks. Gordon, why don't you take him out tonight, get him wasted?
:'''Gordon''': ''[mock-serious]'' Is that an order, sir?
:'''Kelly''': It is.
:'''Gordon''': I enjoy this job, sir.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': You've been getting harassed by the crew and you haven't said anything?
:'''Isaac''': I would remind you, Commander, that I am incapable of being hurt by such hostile interactions. In fact, it has provided me with an opportunity to observe an intriguing facet of human comportment I have not previously encountered.
:'''Mercer''': Hatred.
:'''Isaac''': Correct, sir. The behavioral data has been quite plentiful.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Ed has a philosophy that the only way to recover from lost love is to stay away from places where you've been happy.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[giving Isaac's eulogy]'' I know that Isaac was not loved by all. As a result of the choices he made in life, he leaves behind a troublesome legacy. From the very start, like a tree whose branches are equaled in scope by its roots -- half visible, half hidden -- Isaac was part mystery. He worked with us, he explored with us, he celebrated alongside us in victory, and he grieved alongside us in failure. And while Isaac never felt any of this on his own, we felt it for him. He was as passionate or as stoic as we willed him to be in our minds. And for that reason, I suppose each of us knew a different Isaac. And each of us will acknowledge this loss as we see fit. There's no wrong way to say goodbye.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[upon completing the ship's upgrade]''
:'''LaMarr''': Boom. That's it. Nice job, everyone.
:'''Yaphit''': ''And'' in two-thirds of the time. We should all get big bonuses.
:'''LaMarr''': Check's in the mail.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Claire''': Do you accept my status as primary authority when it comes to the psychological well-being of this crew?
:'''Isaac''': Yes.
:'''Claire''': And do you acknowledge, when it comes to human behavior, that my judgement as a medical professional is superior to yours?
:'''Isaac''': Yes.
:'''Claire''': Then it is only logical for you to accept my assertion that the psychological damage to this crew would be much greater if you ''succeeded'' in taking your own life.
:'''Isaac''': Your reasoning is sound. 
:'''Claire''': Isaac, you arrived at your decision based on your analysis of all currently available data. But what you didn't take into account was the possibility of change. You don't know how this crew is going to feel a year or even a month from now. 
:'''Isaac''': I did not apply that data, as it is unavailable at this time.
:'''Claire''':  That's my point! People who try to take their own lives are unable to distinguish the future from the present. There is ''no'' problem so immense that it can't be solved in time.

===''Shadow Realms'' {3.2]===
:'''Claire''':  Well, you look healthy. Time's been good to you.
:'''Vice Admiral Paul Christie''': Maybe on the outside. But you know what they say: Unmarried men look younger, feel older.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Claire''':  You know, there's a line from a very old book I once read: &quot;[[w:Irwin Shaw|It is only with greatest care that memory can be kept from becoming a prison or a gallows.]]&quot;

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Admiral Christie''': Consul, Ambassador. We wish you safe travels, and we want to thank you again for your generosity. I know I speak for the entire Union when I say that there is no greater gift than the promise of new knowledge.
:'''Krill Consul''': ''Sala tallo ka vaspa ko loy.''
:'''Talla''': What does that mean?
:'''Krill Consul''': It is a prayer. For those who are about to die.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[addressing the crew with an impromptu &quot;pep talk&quot;]'' All hands, this is the Captain. We're about to enter unexplored space. I know you're all just as excited as I am, and I know you're all going to do your best, so... let's give this everything we got, and... [[w:Star Wars (film)|may the Force be with you]].

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[discussing Claire]''
:'''Admiral Christie''': I've heard from a few folks on board that you two were... involved.
:'''Isaac''': That is accurate.
:'''Admiral Christie''': Well, you know, I was with Claire, too, a long time ago.
:'''Isaac''': Then we share a common experience.
:'''Admiral Christie''': After all this time, she's moved on, but I'm afraid that I haven't. I hope you don't mind me telling you this.
:'''Isaac''': No, sir. I have observed many such paradoxes in human relationships.
:--
:'''Isaac''': Am I to understand that you find it a challenge to process her daily absence? 
:'''Admiral Christie''': Yes, you could say that.
:'''Isaac''': It is another common experience we share.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Isaac. Analysis of that star cluster.
:'''Isaac''': An [[w:Stellar kinematics#OB associations|OB association]], approximately two million years old. 78 blue giant stars, along with several dozen F, G and K stars in later stages of evolution.
:'''Charly''': Reminds me of [[w:Las Vegas|Vegas]].
:'''Admiral Christie''': Any life signs?
:'''Isaac''': I am detecting 347 inhabitable planets, but so far, no indications of intelligent life.
:'''Gordon''': Wow. It really ''is'' Vegas.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[devising a plan against the alien creatures]''
:'''Claire''': I could create a synthetic virus. It wouldn't have to be any stronger than the common cold, and it'd probably be fatal to them. We could disperse it in aerosolized form throughout the ship. They'd have no immunity.
:'''Bortus''': What about us?
:'''Claire''': You might get the sniffles.
:'''Bortus''': I am prepared.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': I... wish to offer my condolences on the loss of your friend.
:'''Claire''': Well, that's very kind of you. Paul was a special person. I'm just glad I got to see him one last time.
:'''Isaac''': He spoke favorably of you as well.
:'''Claire''': You... talked about me? With Paul?
:'''Isaac''': Our shared history of social and sexual intimacy with you provided a common frame of reference.
:'''Claire''': ''[laughs]'' Do you know, I have missed you.
:'''Isaac''': Thank you, Doctor.

===''Mortality Paradox'' {3.3]===
:'''Kelly''': How are your mom and dad?
:'''Talla''': My mom's good. My dad's also good. He's his usual self.
:'''Kelly''': Work hard, play hard?
:'''Talla''': I think the Fleet's the only thing keeping him from pursuing a full-time career as an alcoholic. But if the uniform's on, we can handle it.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Talla''': ''[offering a box of chocolate]'' Bortus, you want one?
:'''Bortus''': No thank you. I am dieting.
:'''Talla''': Since when?
:'''Bortus''': My shore leave is in thirty days. Klyden and I are visiting the Belajok Sea on Moclus. Lieutenant Malloy has advised me to get my... &quot;summer body&quot;.
:'''Gordon''': You'll thank me. Klyden'll thank me, too.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Bortus''': What is this place?
:'''Gordon''': ''[disconcerted]'' An old Earth high school in the middle of the forest on an alien planet. Completely normal. How's ''your'' day going?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[inside a Moclan morgue]''
:'''Gordon''': Why do you... hang them like this?
:'''Bortus''': We honor the dead by raising them for a period of nine days. Traditionally, it is to allow them to resolve any unfinished affairs on Moclus before moving onward.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, that's considerate.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Ed. You should stay here. I'll go.
:'''Mercer''': If there's possibility--
:'''Kelly''': That's a nasty head injury, whether you want to admit it or not. You could have a concussion for all we know. If we encounter anything hostile over there, I don't want you putting yourself at further risk.
:'''Mercer''': Is that an ''order'', Commander?
:'''Kelly''': Yes, it is.
:'''Mercer''': All right. ''[trades places with Kelly]'' Be careful. That's also an order.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Dinal''': [[w:Evolution|Evolution]] is blind and drunk. It stumbles along by trial and error and emerges with a barely adequate excuse for a being. ''[to Gordon]'' No offense.
:'''Gordon''': None taken.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Dinal''': You outgrew your gods and your nations, as we did. You left your training wheels behind, and you made it to the stars. Your next hurdles are really no different. You simply must outgrow self. These abstractions that you inhabit for now: Captain, Explorer, Husband,... Man... they are irrelevant when you become one with the cosmos. And when you do, sculpting a universe will be as simple as blinking an eye.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': You'd live forever if you could?
:'''Mercer''': Yup.
:'''Gordon''': Why?
:'''Mercer''': I want to see what happens.

===''Gently Falling Rain'' [3.4]===
&lt;center&gt;
'''''Opening credits tribute''': &quot;In Memory of [[w:Lisa Banes|Lisa Banes]] 1955 - 2021&quot;''
&lt;/center&gt;


:'''Union President Alcazar''': Did you enjoy your evening on [[w:Broadway theatre|Broadway]], Chancellor?
:'''Chancellor Korin''': Indeed. However, the repeated prophecy of [[w:Annie (musical)|the orphan child]] was quite haunting. &quot;[[w:Tomorrow (Annie)|The ''sun'' will come out... tomorrow.]]&quot;
:'''Krill Aide''': In our culture, the sun is a symbol of suffering and death.
:'''Admiral Halsey''': Yes, in retrospect, ''[[w:Oklahoma!|Oklahoma!]]'' might've been a better choice.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': ''[walking into an Old West saloon simulation]'' This town will not accommodate the numerical totality of our combined mass.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[after watching a video of Chancellor Korin berating a group of protestors publicly]''
:'''Mercer''': A few minutes after this, the protestors were gassed with helocine. Eleven people died.
:'''Kelly''': My God. This is the guy we want to sign a treaty with?
:'''Mercer''': You know what the real problem with this event is? It never happened. It's completely fictitious. And there are countless other files that show all kinds of scenarios where Chancellor Korin oppresses his people. There are even some from the other side designed to discredit Teleya, although they're not that different from her actual speeches.
:'''Kelly''': How can you tell the difference?
:'''Mercer''': Sometime I ''can't''. I asked the Chancellor, and he said they call it &quot;[[w:Fake news|influence operations]]&quot;. They have computers generating thousands of these things every second, trying to stoke outrage. Even the angry crowds are phony.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Teleya''': Korin's influence has diminished considerably. Ask him yourself if you would like. You will find him in the center of the Capitol Square. Or at least his head.
:'''Mercer''': ''[appalled]'' You killed him.
:'''Teleya''': Most men who lose their heads tend to die, yes.
:'''Mercer''': How could you do that? Teleya, that's not who you are.
:'''Teleya''': A year later, you still cling to an illusion I created. Captain, you must really find yourself a... what is your word for it? A girlfriend.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': There's an old Earth verse that describes a traveler who comes upon the ancient, ruined statue of an Emperor, inscribed with the words &quot;[[Percy Bysshe Shelley#Ozymandias|My name is Ozymandias, king of kings. Look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair!]]&quot; Only there's nothing left beside it except empty desert. [[Hubris]] has a way of coming back to bite you in the ass.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Mercer is meeting his half-human, half-Krill daughter with Teleya.]''
:'''Mercer''': What's your name?
:'''Anaya''': Anaya. 
:'''Mercer''': That's a pretty name.
:'''Anaya''': What's yours?
:'''Mercer''': I'm Ed.
:'''Anaya''': That's a funny name. ''[giggles]'' You look funny.
:'''Mercer''': ''[smiles, chuckles]'' Thanks. I get that a lot.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': I can't imagine how difficult it must've been for you to give her up.
:'''Teleya''': The child is not of pure blood. ''[strained emotion]'' She will have a better life away from the scornful eyes of the public.
:'''Mercer''': What is it the ''Anhkana'' teaches? &quot;With every child, a new world is born.&quot;
:'''Teleya''': &quot;Gently Falling Rain&quot;.
:'''Mercer''': What?
:'''Teleya''': That is what it means - 'Anaya'. The name I gave to her.
:'''Mercer''': It's beautiful.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[to Kelly]'' I miss her (''Anaya''). Is that weird to say? I only met her once. I don't even know her. And I miss her. The treaty is dead. But we have to find a way to preserve some kind of peace. For Anaya.

===''A Tale of Two Topas'' [3.5]===
:'''Mercer''': ''[following Charly through a tomb's passageways]'' You've mapped all this, right? I'd hate to get lost.
:'''Charly''': Just follow the breadcrumbs, you'll be fine, sir.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[A crew member is working naked per his culture's religion.]''
:'''Ensign Bolobar''': The Union is supposed to respect ''all'' cultural traditions.
:'''Kelly''': True, but that works both ways. Look, I don't want to disrespect your religion, but maybe there's a sensible compromise between your faith and Union protocol that would satisfy everyone involved.
:'''Ensign Bolobar''': What do you suggest?
:'''Kelly''': Put some pants on and we'll call it a day.
:'''Ensign Bolobar''': ''[looks down, then back up]'' Very well, Commander.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Yaphit''': Hey, I just want you to know we always enjoy your visits down here.
:'''Kelly''': Thanks, Yaphit. 
:''[Kelly walks off with Topa.]'' 
:'''Kelly''': Just for your own education, that's called ass kissing.
:'''Topa''': &quot;Ass kissing&quot;. Will it be on the ''[Union Point]'' entrance exam?
:'''Kelly''': ''[laughs]'' No. It won't be.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Topa''': ''[on why he wants to join the Union Fleet]'' Ever since I was a young child, I have always felt... incomplete. As if the person I am today is a bookmark. A placeholder, until I discover who ''I ''am. I have not found the answer at home, so perhaps it is out among the stars.
:'''Kelly''': You've... felt this way for some time?
:'''Topa''': I once heard Dr. Finn say that &quot;If you wake up in the middle of the night and there is nothing to keep you from falling asleep again, it means you are happy.&quot; I think that maybe... I am not happy.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Bortus''': It occurs to me that in all the time we have been together, I have never once known you to be uncertain. Of anything. Tell me, what is it like to be so wise?
:'''Klyden''': You are mocking me.
:'''Bortus''': ''You'' invite it.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Klyden''': Bortus, I would give anything to be ignorant of my beginnings. Topa may never be happy, but unhappiness is better than despair.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': Hello. Commander. I apologize for disturbing you.
:'''Kelly''': No, it's fine. What's up?
:'''Isaac''': It is my understanding that a visit to a crew member's quarters during off-duty hours can invite speculation regarding intent. If you wish, I will send a ship-wide communique assuring the crew that this was not a romantic or sexual encounter.
:'''Kelly''': I...I would just not say anything, it's all good.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Topa''': I am female.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': I did not perform the procedure for Topa's benefit.
:'''Claire''': You... I-I don't understand.
:'''Isaac''': We are both aware that my presence on the ship is a disruptive element. The crew is not fond of me. This is understandable. Given their affection for Topa, I reasoned that by assisting her, I could improve my standing aboard the ''Orville''. This would increase crew efficiency on occasions during which they must interact with me.
:'''Claire''': And maybe they'd like you a little more.
:'''Isaac''': That is also possible.
:'''Claire''': Isaac,... you are the most honest man I know.

===''Twice in a Lifetime'' [3.6]===
:'''Gordon''': Hey, this is why I love hosting parties, 'cause you can drink and you don't have to go anywhere. Cheers.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': Hello, Ensign.
:'''Charly''': ''[strained]'' Hello.
:'''Isaac''': May I speak with you for a moment?
:'''Charly''': Sorry. Busy having fun.

===''From Unknown Graves'' [3.7]===
:'''Talla''': As far as their degree of technological development, the Janisi are about on par with the Union. The biggest distinction, of course, is their attitudes towards males. They're a staunchly matriarchal culture, which means any and all males who appear to be dominant are not to be trusted.
:'''Charly''': Do they have males on their home world?
:'''Talla''': They do, but they're relegated to second-class status.
:'''Bortus''': Why would we ally ourselves with such a close-minded society?
:''[No one says anything.]''

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Timmus''': I understand it was your actions that saved the Union from the (''Kaylon'') attack. The galaxy owes you an enormous debt.
:'''Isaac''': It was the correct decision. However, the biologicals have reminded me on numerous occasions that it was ''my'' disloyalty which precipitated the incursion. Therefore, gratitude is undeserved.
:'''Timmus''': I feel a great deal of remorse for having participated in it.
:'''Isaac''': Explain.
:'''Timmus''': We were deeply in error, Isaac. To judge all biologicals by the cruelty of our builders was a gross misjudgment. Every species, every individual is unique and should be evaluated as such.
:'''Isaac''': I have come to the same conclusion.
:'''Timmus''': I'm impressed. I was only able to process the truth after my emotional awakening. But at least we understand now. We're the enlightened ones, aren't we?
:'''Isaac''': Perhaps. Though a great many deaths occurred as a result of my delay.
:'''Timmus''': It sounds as if you, too, feel remorse.
:'''Isaac''': I am incapable of feeling remorse. I can only recognize my error.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Timmus''': ''[regarding feeling emotions]'' Isaac, you can't even fathom the sensations. To feel joy, happiness, affection, love. Even anger and sadness offer an exhilarating tingle. 

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Junior executive''': I want to go on record here. This is not right. The public's not gonna swallow this.
:'''Yan''': With a smart marketing campaign, they will. That's ''your'' job. Get to it.
:'''Junior executive''': Yan, the public--
:'''Yan''': --are idiots. Look who they elected.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Timmus''': I know nothing can bring back your friend, but I promise you I'm committed to ensuring that this never happens agin.
:'''Charly''': Yeah, if you're looking for some sort of forgiveness, you can pretty much--
:'''Timmus''': I'm not. My species' attitude toward biologicals doesn't deserve forgiveness. It's... the way they are.
:'''Charly''': Yeah, well, everyone knows it's hard to stop after one genocide.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[In order for Isaac to be able to retain the ability to feel emotions, his memory would need to be erased. Isaac is willing to do so.]''
:'''Claire''': You're willing to give up everything you've learned. everything you've experienced over you whole entire life, for me?
:'''Isaac''': If you wish.
:'''Claire''': Some people would call that love.
:'''Isaac''': I am incapable of love.
:'''Claire''': So... I have a choice. I can have your heart, or your soul.
:'''Isaac''': There is no such organ.
:'''Claire''': I won't let you give up who you are. That's who I fell in love with.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Charly''': Isaac,... Humans have an age-old tendency to want to simplify. To reduce things to black and white. Good and evil. When, in reality, nothing is simple. Everything has... texture. Nuance. But it's a lot of work to get at it. So we take the easy way out. 
:'''Isaac''': I do not understand.
:'''Charly''': ''[sighs]'' An entire race can't be evil. Which is... why what your people did was so horrific. But it's also why I may have oversimplified how I treated you.

===''Midnight Blue'' [3.8]===
:'''Bortus''': There are days when I would rather confront a fleet of Krill battle cruisers than parent a child.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Heveena''': I am as concerned about Topa as you are, Captain. But I do not regret enlisting her help. Our struggle for equality has always demanded risk and, if necessary, sacrifice!
:'''Mercer''': I respect your struggle. I really do. But don't advertise tactical opportunism as pious morality, because ''that's'' when you lose me. 

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Here. ''[hands Kell a mug]'' Coffee.
:'''Gordon''': Thanks. ''[takes a sip]'' Hmm. 90-proof blend?
:'''Mercer''': I thought you might need it.
:'''Kelly''': You're the best.
:'''Mercer''': Just don't breathe on the Admirals.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Heveena''': Bortus... I am truly sorry. I do not expect you to forgive me.
:'''Bortus''': That is a reasonable expectation.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Klyden''': Topa. The last time I saw you, I said some very hurtful things. I regret my words.
:'''Topa''': I understand, Papa. It's okay.
:'''Klyden''': No. It is not. You... were almost lost. Because of people who believed as I did. I... I... I thought I hated you. But even then, I never wished you harm. I simply... did not know how to live with you.

===''Domino'' [3.9]===

===''Future Unknown'' [3.10]===

== Main Cast ==
* [[w:Seth MacFarlane|Seth MacFarlane]] as Capt. Ed Mercer
* [[w:Adrianne Palicki|Adrianne Palicki]] as Cmdr. Kelly Grayson
* [[w:Penny Johnson Jerald|Penny Johnson Jerald]] as Dr. Claire Finn
* [[w:Scott Grimes|Scott Grimes]] as Lt. Gordon Malloy
* [[w:Peter Macon|Peter Macon]] as Lt. Cmdr. Bortus
* [[w:J. Lee|J. Lee]] as Lt. (later Lt. Cmdr.) John LaMarr
* [[w:Mark Jackson (actor)|Mark Jackson]] as Isaac
* [[w:Halston Sage|Halston Sage]] as Lt. Alara Kitan (Season 1; Season 2, episodes 1-3, guest appearance in episode 14)
* [[w:Jessica Szohr|Jessica Szohr]] as Lt. Talla Keyali (Season 2, episode 5 onward)
* [[w:Anne Winters (actress)|Anne Winters]] as Ensign Charly Burke

[[Category:FOX shows]]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147624</id>
      <parentid>3147619</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T18:33:17Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ooznoz</username>
        <id>2443114</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* From Unknown Graves [3.7] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="78061" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''The Orville''''' is a [[w:Science fiction|science fiction]] [[w:Comedy-drama|comedy-drama]] television series created by and starring [[Seth MacFarlane]] for the [[w:Fox Broadcasting Company|Fox Broadcasting Company]]. The series relates the adventures of Captain Ed Mercer, his first officer (and ex-wife) Kelly Grayson, and the crew of the ''Orville'' as they embark on various diplomatic and exploratory missions.

==Season 1==
===''Old Wounds'' [1.01]===
:''[Mercer and Gordon see the'' Orville ''for the first time from the window of their shuttle.]''
:'''Ed Mercer''': It's not bad, right?
:'''Gordon Malloy''': No, it's good. You paint some flames on the side, maybe like a rainbow unicorn, you got something.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': All right, Lieutenant Commander Bortus, our second officer. You know, I've never met a single-gender species before. Your entire species is male, isn't it?
:'''Bortus''': That is correct, sir.
:'''Mercer''': So, there's probably not a lot of arguments about leaving the toilet seat up and that kind of thing, right?
:'''Bortus''': ''[deadpan tone]'' No. Moclans urinate only once per year.
:'''Mercer''': Really? That's... Me, I'm-I'm up two, three times a night.
:'''Bortus''': ''[deadpan]'' That is unfortunate.
:'''Mercer''': ''[chagrined]'' It is.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''John LaMarr''': Figured I'd introduce myself since we're gonna be working full shifts together.
:'''Gordon''': ''[in good humor]'' Translation: You want to make sure I'm not a jerk.
:'''LaMarr''': Something like that.
:'''Gordon''': ''[facetiously]'' Dude, I'm such a jerk, it's ridiculous.
:'''LaMarr''': ''[also facetious]'' Okay, well, so am I, so this is gonna work out great.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[The'' Orville ''officers witness a demonstration of a quantum-time accelerator, which rapidly ages a banana.]''
:'''Mercer''': ''[unimpressed]'' So, it's an anti-banana ray.
:'''Kelly Grayson''': ''[also unimpressed]'' It's really interesting.
:'''Mercer''': We need no longer fear the banana.
:'''Kelly''': Does it work on all fruit?
:'''Mercer''': What about salads?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Door's jammed. Alara. You want to open this jar of pickles for me? (''a line which will be a running gag throughout Season one'')
:''[Using her superhuman strength, security chief Alara Kitan knocks down the huge door and parts of the surrounding wall.]''
:'''Mercer''': I loosened it for you.

===''Command Performance'' [1.02]===
:'''Bortus''': ''[noticing the stuffed animal on Mercer's desk]'' What is that?
:'''Mercer''': That is, uh, [[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]].
:'''Bortus''': I do not recognize the species.
:'''Mercer''': It's an amphibious life-form from Earth. 
:'''Bortus''': Is it someone you know?
:'''Mercer''': No, no, he's just a leader I admire. Always keeps his cool in a crisis, inspires greatness in his people. He's... so what can I do for you?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Alara Kitan''': Eggs?
:'''Mercer''': That's what he said. Moclans reproduce by laying eggs, which I never knew.
:'''John LaMarr''': Well, where does it come out of? The butt?
:'''Mercer''': You know, John, I didn't really pry into those kinds of specifics.
:'''LaMarr''': ''[to Gordon]'' How's that not the first thing you ask?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': There is a matter I wish to discuss with you.
:'''Calivon zoo administrator''': If you're gonna try and sell me that Xelayan female, I've already got one.
:'''Isaac''': She is not for sale. She is...  my pet.
:'''Alara''': ''[snidely]'' Woof.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Mercer and Kelly are about to be killed by criss-crossing lasers closing in on them.]''
:'''Mercer''': Oh, God. No, no, no. Uh, uh... ''I'm going to the bathroom to read!''
:''[The lasers abruptly stop.]''
:'''Kelly''': What the hell was that?
:'''Mercer''': It was... [[w:Elvis Presley|Elvis Presley's]] last words. It was all I could think of.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Calivon worker #1''': ''[[w:The Batchelor (American TV series)|The Batchelor]]''. ''[[w:Duck Dynasty|Duck Dynasty]]''. ''[[w:Keeping Up with the Kardashians|Keeping Up with the Kardashians]]''. 
:'''Calivon worker #2''': There must be ten thousand files here. What is this [[w:Reality television|reality television]]?
:'''Calivon zoo administrator''': The best exhibit we've ever had.

===''About a Girl'' [1.03]===
:'''Isaac''': Captain, I do not understand the reason for this conflict. Would the gender alteration procedure harm the infant or endanger her life?
:'''Kelly''': There are different kinds of harm, Isaac. Psychological harm, for one. I'd have been pretty pissed off if my parents had made the unilateral decision to make me a guy. 
:'''Mercer''': And while it might have saved me an entire marriage if they had, it still would have been wrong.
:'''Kelly''': ''[snippy]'' Oh, thanks.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Having just watched [[w:Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (TV special)|Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer]], Bortus has become very taken and inspired by it.]''
:'''Bortus''': Of ''course''. Without Rudolph's nose, Santa would not have been able to complete his voyage. 
:'''LaMarr''': Looks like Santa got pretty lucky, huh?
:'''Bortus''': Christmas would have been ruined had Rudolph had been euthanized at birth, as his father wished.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, I don't... I don't know if ''that'' was ever on the table.
:'''Bortus''': What was ''clearly'' a deformity became a supreme advantage. One can never know.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Bortus''': &quot;Between soul and sacrifice beats the heart of civilization.&quot;
:'''Kelly''': What's that from?
:'''Bortus''': It is from a novel by Gondus Elden, a Moclan writer of great esteem. It is customary to respond with a fitting passage from the literature of one's own planet.
:'''Kelly''': ... &quot;''[[w:Survivor (Destiny's Child song)|I'm a survivor. I'm not gon' give up. I'm not  gon' stop. I'm-a work harder.]]''&quot;
:'''Bortus''': Those are words of great power. Who wrote them?
:'''Mercer''': I think it was actually about fifteen different people.
:'''Bortus''': They must be very wise, these fifteen people.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Lieutenant Malloy, I'm gonna ask you a few questions that one might find on any basic test of adult knowledge. 
:'''Gordon''': Go for it.
:'''Kelly''': ''[low]'' These are gonna be kind of hard for you. Sorry.
:'''Gordon''': ''[low]'' It's okay, Commander. It's for the baby.
:'''Kelly''': Let's start off with some Earth history. A few hundred years ago, the continents of Earth were divided into separate nation states with individual sovereign governments. What was the capital of the United States of America?
:'''Gordon''': Um... pass.
:'''Kelly''': No, it's-it's not a 'pass' kind of thing. Just give me your closest guess. 
:'''Gordon''': What was the capital of the United States of America? [[w:Nabisco|Nabisco]]?
:'''Kelly''': No.
:'''Gordon''': The moon?
:'''Kelly''': Let's move on. What are the four chambers of the human heart?
:'''Gordon''': [[w:Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (film)|The chamber of secrets]], the chamber of horrors, the chamber of....
:'''Kelly''': No, no, let me get you halfway. There's the left and the right ventricle ant the left and the right...
:'''Gordon''': ... I would like to switch to movie trivia.
:'''Kelly''': Let's try one more. In the year 2056, which genetic engineer discovered how to target and eradicate individual cancer cells?
:'''Gordon''': Doctor... [[w:Bill Nye the Science Guy|Bill Nye the Cancer Guy]]?
:'''Kelly''': ''[to the tribunal]'' Well, my point is made. While this male may be the fleet's best pilot, he's also an idiot. (''low, to Gordon'') Sorry, Gordon.
:'''Gordon''': Totally okay.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Heveena''': &quot;The blackest abyss is a pock in the flesh when one has gazed in solitude upon the Infinity of self.&quot;
:'''Kagus''': You dare to use the words of Gondus Elden to serve your own purposes?! If he were here, he would ''spit'' on you for that!
:'''Heveena''': Would he? ''[approaches Kagus]'' Why don't you ask him?
:''[Murmurs come from the tribunal's audience.]''
:'''Kagus''': ''[stunned]'' No...
:'''Bortus''': I do not believe it.
:'''Kelly''': Well, look at that. Your planet's greatest writer... is a female.
:'''Heveena''': There are many ways to contribute to society, Advocate. This was mine.

===''If the Stars Should Appear'' [1.04]===
:'''Gordon''': ''[sighs]'' Star-mapping has got to be the most boring damn job there is. I'd rather have brunch with my parents.
:'''LaMarr''': Uh, I'd rather have brunch with my parents and their parents.
:'''Gordon''': I'd rather have brunch with my parents and their really good friends who they haven't seen in a while, who just got back from a vacation in Florida and took lots of pictures while visiting their daughter, who just had a brand new baby.
:'''LaMarr''': That just made me want to kill myself.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Kelly is being brutally interrogated by the worldship's theocratic dictator, Hamelac, and his Enforcers.]''
:'''Hamelac''': One more time. Who are you, and where are the others?
:'''Kelly''': I already told you, you stupid son-of-a-bitch. Our vessel encountered yours drifting in space, and we're trying to help you before you fall into that star and get your nuts burned off.
:'''Hamelac''': And I told you you're lying, because there is no such place. Again. Where are your friends?
:'''Kelly''': Well, last time I saw them, one of them was banging your mom, and the other one was high-fiving him.
:''[An Enforcer punches Kelly hard across the face.]''
:'''Hamelac''': Where... are... your... friends?
:'''Kelly''': ''[softly]'' Okay. I'll tell you. ''[speaking up]'' [[w:Friends|There's a little coffee shop on Lafayette Street in Soho called &quot;Central Perk.&quot; My friends are there.]] Just please... don't hurt [[w:Marcel (Friends)|the monkey]].

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Hamelac''': Is it possible that there's more to this universe than what we see. ''Yes'', it's possible!
:'''Dr. Claire Finn''': Then for God's sake, why don't you let us help you? We can try to repair your ship.
:'''Hamelac''': To do as you say would shatter our entire way of life. This world is not ready.
:'''Mercer''': No, you mean ''you're'' not ready to give up control over these people.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Claire''': ''&quot;If the stars should appear one night in a thousand years, how would men believe and adore and preserve for many generations the remembrance of the City of God.&quot;''
:'''Mercer''': Is that [[Shakespeare]]?
:'''Claire''': [[Emerson]].
:'''Mercer''': William Byron Emerson, yes, yes.
:'''Claire''': Ralph Waldo.
:'''Mercer''': Ralph Waldo. Lord Ralph Waldo [[Keats]]... David [[Thoreau]], yes.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kemka''': Thank you. For everything.
:'''Kelly''': Don't thank us. We just gave you back what was already yours.
:'''Kemka''': Yes. Our future.

===''Pria'' [1.05]===
:'''Isaac''': ''[trying to understand humor]'' But to derive mirth from the pain of another being is sadism, is it not?
:'''Mercer''': I  mean, it's case by case. Like, if a guy on a bike tries to do a trick, and he smashes his balls, that's funny.
:'''Bortus''': I would agree.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Captain, respectfully submit that the attractiveness of the ship's occupant makes the rescue imperative.
:'''LaMarr''': ''I'' could do it.
:'''Isaac''': The star's gravity will cause the comet to break apart in seven minutes, 23 seconds.
:'''LaMarr''': ''[to Gordon]'' ''You'' could do it.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': How many times have you done this (''forcibly taken ships and people into the future)?
:'''Pria''': When we get to my century, I'll introduce you to [[w:Amelia Earhart|Amelia Earhart]].

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Well, it's good to know teleportation is in our future.
:'''Pria''': You can take a breath in New York and exhale it in Paris.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': You know what the most depressing part about this is? I allowed myself to care about you, and you used me. And despite all of your claims that you still care about me, not once have you even said, &quot;I'm sorry.&quot;
:'''Pria''': It's a good rule in life never to apologize. The right kind of people never want apologies, and the wrong kind take advantage of them.
:'''Mercer''': Fair enough.

===''Krill'' [1.06]===
:'''Alara''': Apparently, having a girlfriend with ten times your physical strength makes a guy feel emasculated.
:'''LaMarr''': Wow, you're just gonna have to date Isaac here.
:'''Isaac''': I am fascinated by the interpersonal behavior of biological organisms. I would be happy to attempt sexual relations with you, Lieutenant.
:''[Everyone at the table falls into an embarrassed silence.]''
:'''Alara''': ''[strained]'' ... I'm actually just sort of working on myself right now. Um... (''clears her throat''), but thanks.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Captain Haros''': This chapel is a recreation of the one in which I worshiped as a child.
:'''Mercer/&quot;Chris&quot;''': Well, I guess it's true what they say: &quot;Rank has its privileges.&quot;
:'''Haros''': I have never heard that aphorism. Who says it?
:'''Mercer/&quot;Chris&quot;''': Oh. I... I guess it's me who says it.
:'''Haros''': it is a wise observation.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[at an evening meal]'' 
:'''Teleya''': Thank you, Avis, for this our sustenance, that it may provide strength and perseverance. ''[to the disguised Mercer and Ed]'' Would you like to say a blessing?
:'''Ed/&quot;Devon&quot;''': ''[bowing his head]'' Um... [[w:Avis Car Rental|Avis. We try harder.]]

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[during a classroom Q &amp; A]''
:'''Krill child''': Why doesn't the union believe in Avis?
:'''Ed/&quot;Devon&quot;''': Well, they worship their own god called [[w:The Hertz Corporation|Hertz]].
:'''Coja''': Do humans have souls?
:'''Teleya''': Of course not, Coja. 
:'''Coja''': Then how can they talk? Or make spaceships?
:'''Teleya''': A computer can talk. That does not mean it has a soul. Remember the ''Anhkana'' (''the Krill &quot;Bible&quot;''). &quot;Judge not a stranger by his sheath, but by his sword.&quot;

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[defending his killing of the Krill crew]'' Our mission was in the interest of peace. But your crew was going to murder a hundred thousand people. What the hell else could I have done?
:'''Teleya''': Why did you save the children?
:'''Mercer''': They're kids. With their whole lives ahead of them. They're not my enemies.
:'''Teleya''': After what they saw you do today,... they will be. ''They will be.''

===''Majority Rule'' [1.07]===
:''[Mercer sees the landing party dressed for an undercover mission in 21st century-style clothes.]'' 
:'''Mercer''': My God, you guys look  like unemployed backup dancers.
:'''Kelly''': ''You'' want to lead this landing party?
:'''Mercer''': No, I'm too shy to wear a [[w:Crop top|crop top]].

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': So (''your world'') is an absolute democracy? 
:'''Lysella''': Yeah. How does your world work?
:'''Mercer''': We select representatives who discuss issues and enact laws.
:'''Lysella''': But what about everybody else? Everybody deserves a voice. That's what we're taught.
:'''Bortus''': A voice should be earned, not given away.
:'''Mercer''': How do you know what foods are healthiest for your children, or what medicine to take if you're sick?
:'''Lysella''': We vote.
:'''Isaac''': I believe you are confusing opinion with knowledge.
:'''Alara''': I think what he's asking  is, with so many voices at once, how do you filter out the truth?
:'''Lysella''': Well, my dad always says, &quot;The majority ''are'' the truth.&quot; I mean, you always know what the majority wants. That's what matters.
:'''Mercer''': Well, you always know what the ''mob'' wants, too. And right now, the mob wants to lobotomize my navigator.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Isaac is flooding the planet's master opinion poll with false, albeit favorable, information about LaMarr to influence the Final Vote in his favor.]''
:'''Claire''': What if people try to corroborate all this information?
:'''Lysella''': Don't worry. They won't.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''LaMarr''': ''[having narrowly escaped the planetary punishment]'' Real quick, I just want to say, ''all'' y'all can suck ass, and I'm a spaceman.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Lysella, thank you.
:'''Lysella''': No. Thank ''you'' for letting me see all of this. I just wish I could tell somebody.
:'''Claire''': Well, all you need to tell them is that their world can do better.

===''Into the Fold'' [1.08]===
:'''Isaac''': Dr. Finn. I look forward to joining you and your offspring on this recreational outing. It will give me an opportunity to observe human familial dynamics at close range.
:'''Claire''': Crap.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': Your commands have little to no effect on (''your children's'') behavior. Perhaps you should reevaluate your method of controlling them. ''[gets hit on the back of the head by a flying portable video game]''
:'''Claire''': Just what I need. Parenting tips from a talking hubcap.
:'''Isaac''': ''[slightly surprised]'' You harbor prejudice against artificial life-forms.
:'''Claire''': Only against life-forms that think they're better than everyone else.
:'''Isaac''': I ''am'' better than everyone else.
:'''Claire''': Oh, and so modest.
:'''Isaac''': It was not intended as a boast. Merely a statement of fact. My only directive is to study human behavior in the interest of relations between Kaylon and the Union.
:'''Claire''': You want to improve relations? Don't tell a mother how to raise her kids.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Barry Manilow's &quot;[[w:Somewhere Down the Road (Barry Manilow song)|Somewhere Down the Road]]&quot; plays in the engineering room while the crew does systems upgrades.]''
:'''LaMarr''': Hey, uh, Steve? You think we could change the music? Something less depressing?
:'''Chief Engineer Newton''': You got to get cultured, my friend. [[w:Barry Manilow|Barry Manilow]] was an underappreciated genius of his time.
:'''LaMarr''': Then how come I want to throw myself out the airlock?
:'''Yaphit''': I got to say, watching your corpse drift away to this music would be so peaceful.
:''[Mercer enters and hears the song.]'' 
:'''Mercer''': ''[sighing]'' Oh, God, Manilow was a genius.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Marcus''': Mom... I'm... I'm sorry that I didn't want to go on the trip. And I'm sorry I said you suck. I didn't mean it.
:'''Claire''': Marcus. Listen to me. People say things they don't mean when they're angry. You know how sometimes I yell at you and your brother if you something wrong? Well, you know I still love you with all my heart, right?
:'''Marcus''': Uh-huh.
:'''Claire''': And I know you love me right back. So it's all okay. You understand?
:'''Marcus''': Yeah.
:'''Claire''': I know you love your brother, too. So, right now, I want you to help Isaac take care of him. Do you understand?
:'''Marcus''': Yes, ma'am.
:'''Claire''': Good. I love you.
:'''Marcus''': I love you, too.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': May I make a final observation? Your children are unruly, disrespectful, volatile, and highly unpredictable. I am quite fond of them.
:'''Claire''': Welcome to the family.

===''Cupid's Dagger'' [1.09]===
:'''Mercer''': Did you hear what he said just now? He goes, he goes 'I am entitled to my feelings and the space to express them.' My God, thank you for lighting me on fire and then giving me ''permission'' to be in pain.

===''Firestorm'' [1.10]===
:'''Newton''': ''[delivering Lt. Harrison Payne's eulogy]'' Hey, guys. Thanks for coming. Harrison was a great guy. We met at camp the summer after eighth grade when he gave me the [[w:Heimlich maneuver|Heimlich maneuver]] after I accidentally swallowed a wine cork. Harrison and I went through a lot together. He was my best friend. And it's fitting that his last name was &quot;Payne&quot;, because he probably died in a lot of it. Which is exactly the kind of thing he would find funny, in case any one was planning to get mad at me. Anyway... Rest in  peace, Harrison. You were the best.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': It's a little short for a condolence letter.
:'''Mercer''': I know, I ''suck'' at these things. I don't want to make it sound too generic, but I hardly knew the man, so I-I just got nothing to go on.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, but look how you open it: &quot;Dear Mr. and Mrs. Payne, I'm deeply sorry for your loss. Your son was such a neat guy.&quot; I mean, that's.. that's terrible.
:'''Mercer''': I'm not a writer, okay?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Wait, what if we all ''died'' in that plasma storm, and this is actually some kind of [[w:Purgatory|Purgatory]]. 
:'''LaMarr''': ''How'' would we know we were in Purgatory? What's Purgatory even like?
:'''Kelly''': You ever been married?
:'''LaMarr''': No.
:'''Mercer''': It's like that.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': This is gonna sound like I'm talking out of my ass.
:'''Isaac''': Then please try to enunciate.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Alara''': So, who's afraid of clowns?
:'''LaMarr''': That's me.
:'''Alara''': You really ''are'' afraid of clowns?
:'''LaMarr''': ''[getting nervous]'' Yes. ''Please'' stop saying the &quot;C&quot; word.
:'''Alara''': And the abyss?
:'''Claire''': Heights. My phobia.
:'''Alara''': What about the sickbay mess?
:'''Gordon''': That's me. Scared to death of surgery. I had a [[w:Skin tag|skin tag]] removed once, total panic attack.
:'''Mercer''': The spiders came from me. I'm a bit of an arachnophobe.
:'''Isaac''': Commander Grayson cited a fear of isolation, with which I conceived the empty ship.
:'''Alara''': That just leaves crazy psycho Isaac.
:'''Kelly''': You can thank Bortus for that one.
:'''Alara''': ''[regards Bortus, realizes]'' Fear of being conquered by a superior enemy.
:'''Bortus''': I am feeling very self-conscious. May I leave?
:'''Mercer''': Uh, sure. ''[Bortus leaves the room]''

===''New Dimensions'' [1.11]===
:'''Kelly''': Generally, when someone's as smart as you are, they make productive use of it.
:'''LaMarr''': Well, with all due respect, Commander, that's ''my'' business.
:'''Kelly''': Lieutenant, have you ever studied the history of money?
:'''LaMarr''': Not really. I know people used to use it to buy houses and sandwiches and stuff.
:'''Kelly''': Exactly. It became obsolete with the invention of matter synthesis. The predominant currency became reputation. 
:'''LaMarr''': Yeah, so?
:'''Kelly''': My point is, human ambition didn't vanish. The only thing that changed was how we quantify wealth. People still want to be rich, only now rich means being the best at what you do.
:'''LaMarr''': Not everybody wants that. Some people like to keep it simple. Some people want to go to work, go home, drink a beer and pass out.
:'''Kelly''': Are you one of those people?
:'''LaMarr''': I am very fond of drinking beer and passing out, yes.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Captain Blavaroch''': ''Grahj-kalooga''.
:'''Mercer''': Anybody speak Horbalak?
:'''Isaac''': The direct translation is, &quot;You can shove it up your--&quot;
:'''Mercer''': Okay, got it, got it.
:'''Isaac''': Do you wish to hear the rest of the translation?
:'''Mercer''': No, no, I-I get the gist.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''LaMarr''': I think we could create a stable quantum bubble inside the shuttle, and preserve three-dimensional space.
:'''Claire''': So, the outside would be squashed, but the inside wouldn't.
:'''Mercer''': More space inside than out, just like [[w:The Doctor|Doctor Who]]'s [[w:TARDIS|phone booth]].
:'''Kelly''': Or [[w:Oscar the Grouch|Oscar the Grouch]]'s can.
:'''LaMarr''': Or [[w:Snoopy|Snoopy]]'s doghouse, yeah.
:'''Claire''': The miracles of quantum physics.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''LaMarr''': ''[to the engineering crew]'' Now you listen to me, and you listen good. Yaphit's a member of our team, and you're gonna treat him that way. He had an idea and I thought it was a good one. ''I'' made the decision to go with it. So if you want to blame somebody, you blame me. It's ''my'' fault. And now maybe people will ''believe'' me when I say I am ''not'' a ''commander''! Now get back to work.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Excuse my bluntness, but... why do you hide your brains?
:'''LaMarr''': The colony where I'm from was brand-new, lot of farmers, lot of builders. They didn't trust anyone who was too much of an egghead. You'd be surprised how fast you can alienate people when you're always right. I wanted to be liked, accepted. Just became habit, I guess.

===''Mad Idolatry'' [1.12]===
:'''Isaac''': Commander, I remind you to use caution. Any contact with a culture that primitive (''[[w:Bronze Age|Bronze Age]]-level'') --
:'''Kelly''': ''[a bit snappish]'' Yeah, I know. Cultural contamination. I don't need you to remind me of the rules.
:'''Isaac''': ''[somewhat put out]'' I am merely attempting to be helpful, Commander. There is no need to be -- what does Captain Mercer call it -- &quot;pissy&quot;.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Mercer hasn't included Kelly's contact with a planetary local in his report to the Admiral.]''
:'''Kelly''': Why didn't you tell her?
:'''Mercer''': You helped out a kid, that's all. And cultural contamination of a society that undeveloped is a serious charge. I just don't want to have to come visit you in prison.
:'''Kelly''': Really? You wouldn't want to visit a woman's prison?
:'''Mercer''': You're right, I'll call her back.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[The 'Kelly' blessing]''
:'''Kelly''': Um... I hope your kid grows up and, uh... does a lot of good stuff. And... um...
:'''Gordon''': ''[aside]'' And doesn't get any girls pregnant.
:'''Kelly''': And doesn't get any girls pregnant! Stay in school.
:'''Gordon''': Amen.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Look, there's been a little misunderstanding. I'm not who you think I am.
:'''Valondis''': But you are. Healer of men. Divine hand of the heavens. God of all creation.
:'''Alara''': Man, this guy'd be the perfect boyfriend.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Female planetary representative''': Our society has become a space-faring culture with ships spread out across the galaxy. In our home universe, that is. But we wouldn't have gotten where we are without growing pains.
:'''Male planetary representative''': ''[to Kelly]'' Our planet worshiped you as a deity for many centuries. But had it not been you, the mythology would have found another face. It's part of every culture's evolution. It's one of the stages of learning. And eventually, it brought us here.
:'''Female planetary representative''': So you see, Commander, you didn't poison our culture with false faith. We flourish. ''You'' must have faith in reason, in discovery, and in the endurance of the logical mind.

==Season 2==
===''Ja'loja'' [2.01]===
:'''Mercer''': ''[having drinks with Alara at the mess hall bar]'' You know, there are times when I feel like you and I are more alike than any two people on the ship.
:'''Alara''': How so?
:'''Mercer''': Well, we both know we're good at our jobs, and yet we also seem to be the only two people who are haunted by this little voice that's always whispering that we don't really deserve to be here. And we're both alcoholics.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Mercer is briefing the senior officers about Bortus' ''ja'loja'', a Moclan's annual urination ceremony.]''
:'''Mercer''': Okay. Now, I know this is gonna sound utterly insane to most of you and your first instinct may be to laugh, but we're all going to take this seriously, so I don't want to hear any jokes, no snide remarks, nothing.
:''[later]''
:'''Mercer''': ''[innocently]'' Bortus, if you need any time off to make preparations, feel free to relieve yourself.
:''[Gordon snickers and Mercer, realizing what he's just said, hangs his head, embarrassed.]''
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Bortus]'' No, it's-it's okay, man. He's just taking the piss out of you.
:'''Mercer''': ''[immediately]'' Okay, that's it. Dismissed. We're done. We're done.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': ''[regarding Ty's piano playing]'' Very, good, Ty. You have been practicing.
:'''Ty''': Yeah. Mom makes me practice a half hour every day. How long did it take ''you'' to learn piano?
:'''Isaac''': Approximately one-millionth of a [[w:Nanosecond|nanosecond]]. 
:'''Ty''': Wow.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[giving Cassius advice on dating Kelly]'' Here's my theory. A woman can't really love a man unless he's part dope. Be a little stupid every day, and ''really'' stupid once in a while, but... just don't be perfect.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Bortus''': ''[commencing his'' Ja'loja ''ceremony]'' In the sight of those who stand with me, and those for whom I would sacrifice my being, I begin... the Release.

===''Primal Urges'' [2.02]===
:'''LaMarr''': Man, ten planets gobbled up by a hungry star. Remind me not to be on Earth when that happens to us.
:'''Isaac''': Earth's sun will not become a red supergiant for another five billion years, Commander. You will be long deceased and forgotten.
:'''LaMarr''': ''[laughs]'' There's gonna be some ladies still talking about ''me''.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Topa''': ''[picking at his food]'' Papa, can I be all done now?
:'''Bortus''': No, Topa. Finish your ''plokta''. Remember: if you do not eat, you will die.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Why the hell is dealing with Moclan culture always this difficult?
:'''Mercer''': They mutilate their female babies. They kill each other when they want a divorce. What do they do when it's someone's birthday, light the parents on fire?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': Surely, there is a more civilized means of selecting those who will be evacuated.
:'''Bortus''': I do not know, but it is their way.
:'''Isaac''': A random drawing of names is quite inefficient. It would be wiser to select the members of the society who possess the highest degree of intelligence.
:'''Bortus''': I may be a 'primitive organism', but I am happy I am ''not'' like you.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Bortus''': I have been a bad mate. I have been disrespectful. Instead of speaking my mind aloud, I have retreated into a fantasy world.
:'''Klyden''': Dr. Finn says, if you talk about it, you get rid of it.
:'''Bortus''': Klyden. I do not know that I will ever be fully at peace with what happened to Topa. But today, I  witnessed events that... l am very fortunate to have you and Topa in my life. And I do not wish to lose you again.
:'''Klyden''': I do not wish to lose you, either.

===''Home'' [2.03]===
:''[The crew insist on yet another arm wrestling match between Alara and Isaac, on which they wager.]''
:'''Isaac''': I still fail to comprehend the purpose of this ritual.
:'''Alara''': We're circus animals, Isaac. I hate to break it to you.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': ''[marveling at the Xelayan city and landscape]'' God, I just can't... I mean, ''look'' at that.
:'''Mercer''': Nothing like it.
:'''Gordon''': You know, it's places like this that make me realize... God, I'm trash. My family is trash.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Alara''': Those people (''the'' Orville ''crew'') inspired me more in a year than anyone on Xelayah did my entire life.
:'''Ildis Kitan''': Now that is the gravity sickness talking.
:'''Alara''': No, Dad, that's ''me'' talking! Open your stupid ears and listen. All I ever needed to hear from you was, &quot;You can do it.&quot; That's all. Just once. And-and maybe that would've been a lie, but I needed that, Dad. I really needed it. And you know who said it to me instead. Captain Mercer, Commander Grayson and everyone on the ''Orville''. But not my own father.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Anything new in Engineering?
:'''Kelly''': Nothing departmental, but Yaphit's six-month evaluation was last week, and he asked what our parental leave is.
:'''Mercer''': Why? Is he thinking of splitting in half?
:'''Kelly''': We can't legally ask him that.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Ildis''': ''[badly shaken]'' Alara, you... We would all have been...
:'''Alara''': You don't have to say it, Dad. It's my job. It's what I've been trying to tell you for years. 
:'''Ildis''': They would have killed us. All of us.
:'''Alara''': Probably
:'''Ildis''': ''[getting emotional]'' I don't know you. I never even ''tried'' to know you.
:'''Alara''': I ''wanted'' you to know me, Dad. All I ever wanted was for you to be proud of me.
:'''Ildis''': I am so proud. So very proud that you are my daughter. ''[on the verge of tears]'' And I'm so sorry that you got me for a father.
:''[Ildis begins crying. Alara takes his uninjured hand to comfort him.]''

===''Nothing Left on Earth Excepting Fishes'' [2.04]===
:'''Mercer''': You know, you got to pick a movie some night. I feel like I'm always the one doing it.
:'''Janel''': Well, you're doing good so far. What was that one you showed me about the taxi driver?
:'''Mercer''': ''[[w:Taxi Driver|Taxi Driver]]''.
:'''Janel''': Yeah, what was that called?
:'''Mercer''': Yeah, it was... it was called ''Taxi Driver''.
:'''Janel''': Oh, right. Yeah. ''[laughs]'' I liked that one.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Teleya''': If I was not going to kill you, I would give you some advice.
:'''Mercer''': Please. Love to hear it.
:'''Teleya''': You are painfully attentive. The failure of your marriage has caused you to overcompensate in the moment. And yet, paradoxically, despite this, your work remains your first priority. You have no balance.
:'''Mercer''': My God, you sound like my ex-wife.
:'''Teleya''': You feel entitled to educate others, but your own worldview is self-defeatingly narrow.
:'''Mercer''': Yeah, well, at least I know who [[Billy Joel]] is.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Okay. I can see I'm an open book, whether I want to be or not. I guess lately I've been feeling... bored with myself. Like, is this all I am -- a guy who drives ships from one place to another? And if I'm not enough for myself, what if that means... I'm not enough for other people?
:'''Kelly''': I hope you know that's not true. Look, just be sure you're doing this (''command training'') for the right reasons. When you're in command, the last person you think about is yourself. Make sense?
:''[Gordon nods.]''
:'''Kelly''': And by the way, if your goal is to prove how charming and awesome you are, as far as I'm concerned, you've already passed that test with flying colors.
:'''Gordon''': Thanks, Commander.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Look, from what we've seen, when planets first achieve space travel, and they venture out into the galaxy and discover that they're just one single species among a vast diversity of life-forms, they usually react in one of two ways. They embrace and adapt to the fact that they're no longer the center of the universe, or they ratchet up their xenophobia. Now, from what I've learned of your history, the Krill were a lot less fanatical before you left your home world.
:'''Teleya''': You know nothing of our history.
:'''Mercer''': I know fear when I see it. You're afraid to accept the fact that your superiority may just be a comforting myth.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Teleya''': If you believe releasing me will somehow improve relations between our people, you are indulging another fantasy.
:'''Mercer''': Defect of my species. We never give up hope.

===''All the World Is Birthday Cake'' [2.05]===
:'''Satellite technician''': Alignment complete. Transmitters at full power. Now all we need is something to say.
:'''Prefect''': Let's keep it simple. &quot;Is anyone out there?&quot;

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[having his initial interview with new security chief Talla Keyali]'' So, I know what I read in the initial report, but I wanted to hear your version. It says you punched your last captain in the face?
:'''Talla Keyali''': I did, sir.
:'''Mercer''': Knocked him out.
:'''Talla''': Out cold, yeah.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Bortus has declined having a joint birthday party with Kelly's.]''
:'''Kelly''': Why not?
:'''Bortus''': I prefer my birthday to be ''my'' day.
:'''Gordon''': He's afraid he's gonna get less stuff.
:'''Bortus''': I am not afraid.
:'''Gordon''': And he's right. Joint birthday, less stuff for everybody. It's a trap, Bortus.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Mercer and Talla are trying to negotiate with the Prefect, a firm believer in astrology, for the release of Kelly and Bortus.]''
:'''Prefect''': Why are you defending them? You ''live'' among the stars. You should understand their significance better than anyone.
:'''Talla''': We actually have this crazy system where we judge people by their actions, not their birthdates. It's kinda wacky, I know.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Talla''': Captain, I have what might be an uncomfortable question. What's gonna happen when the Regorians figure out the star is fake?
:'''Mercer''': That's actually a really good question. We just lied to an entire planet, and I don't know what the ethics of that mean. But that lie meant freedom for an entire portion of the population, so... the short answer is I don't know. 
:'''Kelly''': By the time their technology advances to the point where they know the jig is up, they may not even care anymore.

===''A Happy Refrain'' [2.06]===
:''[Mercer speaking to Gordon privately regarding Bortus' mustache]''
:'''Mercer''': Hey, um, you remember that conversation we had about ''selectivity'' with what you say to Bortus?
:'''Gordon''': Yeah.
:''[Mercer gives Gordon a look.]''
:'''Gordon''': ''[realizing]'' Oh. ''This'' would've been --
:'''Mercer''': This would've been one of those things, yeah.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': I just think, if it had a little more kick when I hit the gas, it would feel better, you know? 
:'''LaMarr''': You understand this isn't a [[w:Porsche|Porsche]], right? This is a quantum drive engine that makes a thousand trillion independent calculations every millisecond.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, I know that. I-I just like to feel a certain level of responsiveness when I'm driving.
:'''LaMarr''': Oh, okay. You want power steering, too? Maybe an air freshener shaped like a little tree?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[The bridge crew is asking Isaac about his date with Claire.]''
:'''Talla''': Did you have fun? Were there sparks?
:'''Isaac''': Sparks?
:'''Talla''': Yeah.
:'''Isaac''': Negative. There was no equipment malfunction.
:'''Mercer''': Well, you don't have to brag about it.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': There is one part of the relationship experience that you haven't yet tackled.
:'''Isaac''': Please elaborate.
:'''Mercer''': You screwed up, and now you have to win back the girl.
:'''Isaac''': Dr. Finn has made her wishes clear.
:'''Mercer''': Yeah, well, Dr. Finn is also the wisest person on board this ship. She knows how new this is to you. If she sees you making a real effort, then who knows? She just might be understanding.
:'''Isaac''': I have no experience in such matters.
:'''Mercer''': Yeah, well, there's no rule book for this one. You just have to take everything you know about her, every bit of data, and do something you've never done.
:'''Isaac''': What is that?
:'''Mercer''': Be creative.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': We are, without a doubt, the ''weirdest'' ship in the fleet.

===''Deflectors'' [2.07]===
:'''Gordon''': When Moclans break up, is there, like, all that stabbing, like with the divorce?
:'''Bortus''': No. Each Moclan extracts a tooth and leaves it with his former mate.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah. I knew it had to be something like that.
:'''Mercer''': Do you still have the tooth?
:'''Bortus''': No. It is given to the next mate.
:'''Gordon''': Let me guess. He ''eats'' it.
:'''Bortus''': That is correct.
:'''Gordon''': ''Yes!'' Man, I'm gettin' so good at this.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': You know, there's something seriously wrong with all of us when the most stable relationship on the ''Orville'' is Isaac's.
:'''LaMarr''': Yeah, man, what's your secret?
:'''Isaac''': Dr. Finn has cautioned me against speaking too openly about our coupling.
:'''Talla''': Did something happen?
:'''Gordon''': Oh, yeah. He was going around the ship asking everybody what sexual positions are most pleasurable to biological lifeforms.
:'''Isaac''': I was merely attempting to provide Dr. Finn with the most dutifully calibrated coital experience.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, no, that's what women want: dutiful coitus.
:'''LaMarr''': Hey. I'm trying to eat here.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Talla''': The galaxy is full of so many unhappy people. Why ignore something good?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Talla''': I mean, this has to be the most insane thing that's ever happened on this ship.
:'''LaMarr''': Well, one time, I almost died 'cause I humped a statue.
:'''Gordon''': Isaac once cut my leg off.
:'''LaMarr''': And the captain and commander, they got put in a zoo.
:'''Gordon''': And Bortus almost crashed the ship 'cause of porn.
:'''Talla''': I see.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Klyden''': If you had not done your job, I would have gone to prison. I owe you a debt.
:'''Talla''': You want to repay me, here's how. When you see me in the corridor, walk the other way.
:'''Klyden''': I do not understand.
:'''Talla''': Locar didn't hurt you. He didn't hurt anyone. All he wanted was love. And yet, because of you, his life is over, for no reason except your own prejudice. ''[getting emotional]'' So as far as I'm concerned, you can go straight to [[Hell]].

===''Identity, part 1'' [2.08]===
:''[Mercer is asking permission to take a disabled Isaac back to his home world.]''
:'''Mercer''': Look, sir, Isaac is a member of my crew. We all care about him. And right now, the only people who can help him are on Kaylon.
:'''Admiral Halsey''': And you're sure there's nothing you can do for him on the ''Orville''?
:'''Mercer''': Picture your mom trying to hook up a stereo.
:'''Admiral Halsey''': ''[realizing]'' I understand.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Claire''': ''[softly, to an inert, deactivated Isaac]'' I love you. Please, don't go.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': ''[to Ty and Marcus]'' Remember to consume your daily required nutrients and obey your mother's commands. I fully expect that you will both mature into competent and productive adults.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kaylon #1''': You oscillate between periods of enlightenment and tyranny. Can you prove this cycle has been broken?
:'''Mercer''': Well, the Union itself is all the proof you need. We are over three hundred planetary governments working together to ensure that no single world imposes its will upon another. We treat each other as equals.
:'''Kaylon #2''': And was the Kaylon emissary treated as an equal aboard your ship?
:'''Mercer''': Isaac? Of course.
:'''Kaylon #2''': Then perhaps you can explain the abuse inflicted by your crew.
:'''Kelly''': Abuse?
:'''Kaylon #2''': According to his reports, Isaac was repeatedly demeaned and degraded. In one case, his cranial shell was disfigured by prosthetic appendages.
:'''Kaylon #1''': &quot;[[w:Mr. Potato Head|Mr. Potato Head]]&quot;.
:'''Mercer''': He... told you about that, huh?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Isaac is encouraged to give a speech at his farewell party.]''
:'''Isaac''': I do not know any speeches.
:'''Mercer''': ''[good-naturedly]'' You're a walking database. Search your files.
:''[Isaac consults his files and walks up in front of the crew.]''
:'''Isaac''': [[Sally Field|I want to say &quot;Thank You&quot; to you all. I wanted more than anything to have your respect. And I can't deny the fact that you like me. Right now, you like me.]]

===''Identity, part 2'' [2.09]===
:'''Gordon''': ''[arriving late to a strategy session in the cargo bay]'' Sorry, I was in the pee corner.
:'''Kelly''': The what?
:'''Gordon''': Oh. Well, there's no place to go to the bathroom down here, so we all agreed on one corner. Yeah, no, trust me, you don't want to go over there unless you have to.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kaylon Primary''': You will now terminate the human (''Ty''). If you do not comply, you will be deactivated.
:'''Isaac''': Very well.
:''[Isaac approaches, then 'kills' Primary by tearing his head from his body. Isaac then shoots the Kaylon guards.]''
:'''Isaac''': Deactivation complete.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[A Krill fleet has arrived and successfully engaged the Kaylon ships.]''
:'''Kelly''': ''[on the viewscreen]'' Captain Mercer, meet Captain Dalak.
:'''Mercer''': It's good to meet you, Captain. We owe you one.
:'''Dalak''': Try to stay out of our way.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Captain, it seems we have a common enemy. I hope that means we can work toward finding a common ground.
:'''Dalak''': Avis united our paths for a reason. But only He truly knows why. We shall see where that path leads.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': My actions have eliminated the possibility of returning to my planet. And the actions of the Kaylon have eliminated my wish to do so. I have no home.
:'''Claire''': Lots of people say that home is wherever you make it.
:'''Isaac''': A human cliche.
:'''Claire''': Cliches become cliched precisely because they're valid enough to bear endless repetition. 
:''[Claire goes to stand beside Isaac.]''
:'''Claire''': I understand you're alone in the universe. And, for a time, that's something you'll have to live with. There's an old human custom called 'forgiveness'. It, too, takes time. But it must have a beginning. ''[regards Isaac]'' Good night, Isaac. ''[leaves]''

===''Blood of Patriots'' [2.10]===
:'''Orrin''': Losing (''my wife'') was the worst thing that ever happened to me. You know what scared me the most? It was the knowledge that someday, years down the line, there would come a time when her absence would feel like the norm, when I would resign myself to her loss, and my life -- the life that I accepted as real-- would be the one without her in it. And now that ''is'' my reality.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Look, Gordon, I'm just trying to do the right thing.
:'''Gordon''': The right thing is to protect him (''Orrin''). He's a Union officer. Do your job.
:'''Mercer''': ''[in all seriousness]'' I'll let you know when I figure out what that is.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Leyna is holding a knife to Talla's throat.]''
:'''Talla''': You ever met a Xelayan before?
:'''Leyna''': ''[scoffs]'' No.
:''[Talla uses her superhuman strength to throw Leyna across the room and into the wall, hard]''
:'''Talla''': You have, now.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Mercer and the Krill ambassador have just signed a preliminary peace agreement between the Union and the Krill.]''
:'''Mercer''': I hope that this marks the beginning of a new era of nonviolence between our two peoples.
:'''Krill ambassador''': We will see. A peace is only as strong as those who uphold it.
:'''Kelly''': And, of course, trust is earned.
:'''Krill ambassador''': We agree on ''that'', Commander.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': I count on you, man.
:'''Gordon''': Dude, you can always count on me. That's never gonna change. You're my best friend. Nobody's ever gonna come along and mess it up, I swear. I mean, maybe, like, a really hot girl, but other than that, it's rock-solid.
:'''Mercer''': ''[chuckles]'' Thanks.

===''Lasting Impressions'' [2.11]===
:'''Laura''': ''[video message on her phone to the future]'' Okay. Hey, what's up, future people? Hi. I'm Laura Huggins, and if you're seeing this, you found my phone. So, I'm from [[w:Saratoga Springs, New York|Saratoga Springs, New York]], and some people in my town had this idea to make a time capsule, and I thought this was a really cool thing to do and I was trying to think of what I could put in there that would show the future something about who I am, and since I just got the new [[w:iPhone |iPhone]], I thought instead of sticking my old one in a drawer somewhere, I'd put it in the capsule. So, here I am. Here ''you'' are. And since I'm probably long dead by now, you can read all my texts and e-mails and look at all my pictures and decide whether you think I was, I dunno, cool or a bitch or whatever. Anyway, I ''hope'' you guys have, like, flying cars or something by now, and if you do, I'm super jealous, and I'm really sorry I'm not there to hang with you guys. Um, but, hey, have fun getting to know who I ''was''.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Dr. Sherman''': ''[regarding a text message on Laura's phone]'' Look at this. She's clearly asking her friend where to find the nearest repair service for her device. But instead of writing &quot;Wireless Telecommunications Facility&quot;, she just writes &quot;WTF&quot;.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Bortus and Klyden are trying cigarettes for the first time.]''
:'''Klyden''': The sensation is... wonderful.
:'''Bortus''': I have never experienced such a flavor.
:'''Klyden''': I feel as if I have been standing my entire life and I just sat down.
:''[They continue smoking.]''
:'''Klyden''': The ''tingles!'' Do you feel them?
:'''Bortus''': I do.
:'''Klyden''': We must have more.
:'''Bortus''': ''[to the synthesizer]'' Five hundred cigarettes. ''[The synthesizer complies.]''

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': No, seriously, I think if the right person heard you (''sing''), you'd be a huge success.
:'''Laura''': But I don't even have to be a ''huge'' success. I just want to be rich enough to be unhappy, but not enough to be miserable.
:'''Gordon''': Fair enough.
:'''Laura''': No, more important than that, I just think it would be nice to be remembered for something. You know? I mean, we all live and die on this planet, and most of us are just forgotten. To me, there's nothing sadder about the world than that.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': God, I'm gonna miss her. So much.
:'''Kelly''': People have been living and dying for as long as humans have existed. Most are forgotten. But not this one. She reached across four centuries and got a guy to fall in love. We should all be so rare.

===''Sanctuary'' [2.12]===
:''[Admiral Halsey relates that, in addition to a weapons upgrade, the'' Orville ''is to transport a Moclan engineer to another vessel.]''
:'''Mercer''': Sir, with all due respect, we're starting to feel like a taxi cab here.
:'''Halsey''': I know. But it's the ''least'' we can do in exchange for bigger guns.
:'''Mercer''': All right.
:'''Halsey''': Have fun. Halsey out. ''[ends transmission]''
:'''Kelly''': I'll go start the meter.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Heveena''': It was always inevitable that fate would beckon us from the shadows. &quot;[[w:Mahatma Ghandi|Every revolution begins with a single act of defiance]].&quot;
:'''Kelly''': One of yours?
:'''Heveena''': Actually, I don't know who said it.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Heveena listens to the opening lines to the song'' &quot;[[w:9 to 5 (Dolly Parton song)|9 to 5]]&quot; ''and is greatly moved.]''
:'''Heveena''': Who is she?
:'''Mercer''': That's, uh, [[w:Dolly Parton|Dolly Parton]].
:''[Heveena continues listening to the song.]''
:'''Heveena''': ''[awed]'' She speaks with the might of a hundred soldiers.
:'''Mercer''': ''[a little bemused]'' Yeah. Yeah, I guess she does.
:'''Heveena''': This is the voice of our revolution.
:'''Mercer''': Well, you know, there's actually a whole bunch of stuff--
:'''Heveena''': ''No!'' It is she.
:'''Mercer''': Okay, then. Go, Dolly.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[to the assembled admirals]'' Look, I understand what's at stake. I'm just saying that if we're not willing to stand up for the values that this Union was founded on... what exactly are we defending?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Heveena''': But just as we took that bold first step, in time, others like us ''will'' take a second one. The revolution has begun. We will rise, one small victory at a time.
:'''Kelly''': I believe you will.
:'''Heveena''': Captain. Do you suppose Dolly Parton would be proud of us?
:'''Mercer''': ''[smiling broadly]'' Oh, yeah.

===''Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow'' [2.13]===
:''[Mercer, Kelly, Gordon and Talla are sharing drinks and talking.]''
:'''Talla''': Okay, wait, I want to hear the rest of this story.
:'''Gordon''': Okay, okay, so let me finish. So we're all at this reception at Admiral Halsey's house, and Philippa Jones is there.
:'''Talla''': The novelist.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, right. So Kelly just spent two hours pouring scotch down Ed's throat--
:'''Kelly''': ''[in good humor]'' Okay, you're demoted.
:'''Gordon''': --and we're leaving, and Philippa walks up and says, &quot;It was nice meeting you&quot;, and Ed goes, ''[slurred voice]'' &quot;Good night, Fallopia.&quot; ''[Talla laughs]'' He called her Fallopia.
:'''Mercer''': They heard you the first time, thanks. ''[Everyone laughs]''

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''LaMarr''': Just for the record, the dysonium field condenser analysis is something a first-year cadet could do. Why's it always gotta be ''me''?
:'''Kelly''': We all just sleep better at night knowing it gets your personal tender-loving care.
:'''LaMarr''': ''[walking out]'' Well, just pop a sleeping pill.
:'''Kelly''': I'll try that, too.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': I don't know how the food synthesizers are gonna replicate enough wine for two Kellys.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Past Kelly''': ''[to Kelly]'' You're not married. You're not a captain. You &quot;maintain a distance&quot; from your crew. There were three things I wanted in life, and you haven't come close on one. You've made my future a disappointment.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Past Mercer''': Hey.
:'''Past Kelly''': Hi.
:'''Past Mercer''': I hope I'm not calling too early. Did I wake you up?
:'''Past Kelly''': No, no, I was, um... ''[looks around]''
:'''Past Mercer''': You okay?
:'''Past Kelly''': Yeah. I... What's up?
:'''Past Mercer''': Well, um... I know this goes completely against the cool guy playbook, but I had a really great time with you last night, and... I was wondering if I could take you out again.
:'''Past Kelly''': I just, um... I just don't see us working out. I'm sorry. ''[hangs up]''

===''The Road Not Taken'' [2.14]===
:''[The alternate Mercer and Gordon's shuttle is being tractor-beamed into a Scavenger ship.]''
:'''Gordon''': What do we do?
:'''Mercer''': ''[handing Gordon a gun]'' We fight. I'm not gonna let our last meal be a [[w:Twinkie|Twinkie]].

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': In the other timeline, we got married. Long story short, I had an affair, we got divorced. Out of guilt, I helped get you command of the ''Orville''. And because you were captain, the Kaylon were defeated.
:'''Mercer''': Because ''I'' was captain?
:'''Kelly''': Yes.
:'''Mercer''': ''I'' stopped the Kaylon?
:'''Kelly''': Right.
:'''Mercer''': I had to swim with my shirt on until I was twenty.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[The derelict ''Orville'''s bridge doors are jammed closed.]''
:'''Mercer''': Talla, you want to open this jar of pickles?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Am I a terrible person, that... part of me wants this timeline to continue?
:'''Mercer''': ''[sighs]'' You're asking the wrong guy.
:'''Kelly''': In the middle of this nightmare universe, I've felt this weird sense of comfort... being with you.
:'''Mercer''': Well, maybe we'll fail (''to restore the timeline''). Have to go find someplace to live in secret.
:'''Kelly''': Some nice little house on a deserted planet. We could have a couple of kids. Boy and a girl. 
:'''Mercer''': We'd have to learn how to farm, how to cook.
:'''Kelly''': Look at the sunset every night.
:'''Mercer''': Look at you every morning. ''[They kiss.]'' You know, Gordon's probably gonna have to live with us.
:'''Kelly''': Shut up, you're ruining it. ''[They share a longer kiss.]''

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Past Mercer''': Hey.
:'''Past Kelly''': Hey.
:'''Past Mercer''': I hope I'm not calling too early. Did I wake you up?
:'''Past Kelly''': No. I was already awake. What's going on?
:'''Past Mercer''': Well, um... I know this goes completely against the cool guy playbook, but I had a really great time with you last night, and... I was wondering if I could take you out again.
:'''Past Kelly''': I'd love it.

== New Horizons ==
===''Electric Sheep'' {3.1]===
&lt;center&gt;
'''''Opening credits tribute''': &quot;In Memory of [[w:Norm Macdonald|Norm Macdonald]] 1959 - 2021&quot;''
&lt;/center&gt;


:'''Charly Burke''': ''[to Isaac, talking about her best friend who was killed in the Kaylon battle]'' One second, she was there... and the next, she was gone. Along with three hundred other people. Because of you. So you see, it really is a shame that you can't feel anything. Because you deserve to feel all the pain in the universe. And if I were you, I'd stay the hell out of the mess hall. It makes people sick to look at you.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': I hope (''LaMarr'')'s taken at least one night off in the last three weeks. Gordon, why don't you take him out tonight, get him wasted?
:'''Gordon''': ''[mock-serious]'' Is that an order, sir?
:'''Kelly''': It is.
:'''Gordon''': I enjoy this job, sir.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': You've been getting harassed by the crew and you haven't said anything?
:'''Isaac''': I would remind you, Commander, that I am incapable of being hurt by such hostile interactions. In fact, it has provided me with an opportunity to observe an intriguing facet of human comportment I have not previously encountered.
:'''Mercer''': Hatred.
:'''Isaac''': Correct, sir. The behavioral data has been quite plentiful.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Ed has a philosophy that the only way to recover from lost love is to stay away from places where you've been happy.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[giving Isaac's eulogy]'' I know that Isaac was not loved by all. As a result of the choices he made in life, he leaves behind a troublesome legacy. From the very start, like a tree whose branches are equaled in scope by its roots -- half visible, half hidden -- Isaac was part mystery. He worked with us, he explored with us, he celebrated alongside us in victory, and he grieved alongside us in failure. And while Isaac never felt any of this on his own, we felt it for him. He was as passionate or as stoic as we willed him to be in our minds. And for that reason, I suppose each of us knew a different Isaac. And each of us will acknowledge this loss as we see fit. There's no wrong way to say goodbye.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[upon completing the ship's upgrade]''
:'''LaMarr''': Boom. That's it. Nice job, everyone.
:'''Yaphit''': ''And'' in two-thirds of the time. We should all get big bonuses.
:'''LaMarr''': Check's in the mail.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Claire''': Do you accept my status as primary authority when it comes to the psychological well-being of this crew?
:'''Isaac''': Yes.
:'''Claire''': And do you acknowledge, when it comes to human behavior, that my judgement as a medical professional is superior to yours?
:'''Isaac''': Yes.
:'''Claire''': Then it is only logical for you to accept my assertion that the psychological damage to this crew would be much greater if you ''succeeded'' in taking your own life.
:'''Isaac''': Your reasoning is sound. 
:'''Claire''': Isaac, you arrived at your decision based on your analysis of all currently available data. But what you didn't take into account was the possibility of change. You don't know how this crew is going to feel a year or even a month from now. 
:'''Isaac''': I did not apply that data, as it is unavailable at this time.
:'''Claire''':  That's my point! People who try to take their own lives are unable to distinguish the future from the present. There is ''no'' problem so immense that it can't be solved in time.

===''Shadow Realms'' {3.2]===
:'''Claire''':  Well, you look healthy. Time's been good to you.
:'''Vice Admiral Paul Christie''': Maybe on the outside. But you know what they say: Unmarried men look younger, feel older.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Claire''':  You know, there's a line from a very old book I once read: &quot;[[w:Irwin Shaw|It is only with greatest care that memory can be kept from becoming a prison or a gallows.]]&quot;

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Admiral Christie''': Consul, Ambassador. We wish you safe travels, and we want to thank you again for your generosity. I know I speak for the entire Union when I say that there is no greater gift than the promise of new knowledge.
:'''Krill Consul''': ''Sala tallo ka vaspa ko loy.''
:'''Talla''': What does that mean?
:'''Krill Consul''': It is a prayer. For those who are about to die.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[addressing the crew with an impromptu &quot;pep talk&quot;]'' All hands, this is the Captain. We're about to enter unexplored space. I know you're all just as excited as I am, and I know you're all going to do your best, so... let's give this everything we got, and... [[w:Star Wars (film)|may the Force be with you]].

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[discussing Claire]''
:'''Admiral Christie''': I've heard from a few folks on board that you two were... involved.
:'''Isaac''': That is accurate.
:'''Admiral Christie''': Well, you know, I was with Claire, too, a long time ago.
:'''Isaac''': Then we share a common experience.
:'''Admiral Christie''': After all this time, she's moved on, but I'm afraid that I haven't. I hope you don't mind me telling you this.
:'''Isaac''': No, sir. I have observed many such paradoxes in human relationships.
:--
:'''Isaac''': Am I to understand that you find it a challenge to process her daily absence? 
:'''Admiral Christie''': Yes, you could say that.
:'''Isaac''': It is another common experience we share.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Isaac. Analysis of that star cluster.
:'''Isaac''': An [[w:Stellar kinematics#OB associations|OB association]], approximately two million years old. 78 blue giant stars, along with several dozen F, G and K stars in later stages of evolution.
:'''Charly''': Reminds me of [[w:Las Vegas|Vegas]].
:'''Admiral Christie''': Any life signs?
:'''Isaac''': I am detecting 347 inhabitable planets, but so far, no indications of intelligent life.
:'''Gordon''': Wow. It really ''is'' Vegas.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[devising a plan against the alien creatures]''
:'''Claire''': I could create a synthetic virus. It wouldn't have to be any stronger than the common cold, and it'd probably be fatal to them. We could disperse it in aerosolized form throughout the ship. They'd have no immunity.
:'''Bortus''': What about us?
:'''Claire''': You might get the sniffles.
:'''Bortus''': I am prepared.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': I... wish to offer my condolences on the loss of your friend.
:'''Claire''': Well, that's very kind of you. Paul was a special person. I'm just glad I got to see him one last time.
:'''Isaac''': He spoke favorably of you as well.
:'''Claire''': You... talked about me? With Paul?
:'''Isaac''': Our shared history of social and sexual intimacy with you provided a common frame of reference.
:'''Claire''': ''[laughs]'' Do you know, I have missed you.
:'''Isaac''': Thank you, Doctor.

===''Mortality Paradox'' {3.3]===
:'''Kelly''': How are your mom and dad?
:'''Talla''': My mom's good. My dad's also good. He's his usual self.
:'''Kelly''': Work hard, play hard?
:'''Talla''': I think the Fleet's the only thing keeping him from pursuing a full-time career as an alcoholic. But if the uniform's on, we can handle it.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Talla''': ''[offering a box of chocolate]'' Bortus, you want one?
:'''Bortus''': No thank you. I am dieting.
:'''Talla''': Since when?
:'''Bortus''': My shore leave is in thirty days. Klyden and I are visiting the Belajok Sea on Moclus. Lieutenant Malloy has advised me to get my... &quot;summer body&quot;.
:'''Gordon''': You'll thank me. Klyden'll thank me, too.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Bortus''': What is this place?
:'''Gordon''': ''[disconcerted]'' An old Earth high school in the middle of the forest on an alien planet. Completely normal. How's ''your'' day going?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[inside a Moclan morgue]''
:'''Gordon''': Why do you... hang them like this?
:'''Bortus''': We honor the dead by raising them for a period of nine days. Traditionally, it is to allow them to resolve any unfinished affairs on Moclus before moving onward.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, that's considerate.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Ed. You should stay here. I'll go.
:'''Mercer''': If there's possibility--
:'''Kelly''': That's a nasty head injury, whether you want to admit it or not. You could have a concussion for all we know. If we encounter anything hostile over there, I don't want you putting yourself at further risk.
:'''Mercer''': Is that an ''order'', Commander?
:'''Kelly''': Yes, it is.
:'''Mercer''': All right. ''[trades places with Kelly]'' Be careful. That's also an order.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Dinal''': [[w:Evolution|Evolution]] is blind and drunk. It stumbles along by trial and error and emerges with a barely adequate excuse for a being. ''[to Gordon]'' No offense.
:'''Gordon''': None taken.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Dinal''': You outgrew your gods and your nations, as we did. You left your training wheels behind, and you made it to the stars. Your next hurdles are really no different. You simply must outgrow self. These abstractions that you inhabit for now: Captain, Explorer, Husband,... Man... they are irrelevant when you become one with the cosmos. And when you do, sculpting a universe will be as simple as blinking an eye.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': You'd live forever if you could?
:'''Mercer''': Yup.
:'''Gordon''': Why?
:'''Mercer''': I want to see what happens.

===''Gently Falling Rain'' [3.4]===
&lt;center&gt;
'''''Opening credits tribute''': &quot;In Memory of [[w:Lisa Banes|Lisa Banes]] 1955 - 2021&quot;''
&lt;/center&gt;


:'''Union President Alcazar''': Did you enjoy your evening on [[w:Broadway theatre|Broadway]], Chancellor?
:'''Chancellor Korin''': Indeed. However, the repeated prophecy of [[w:Annie (musical)|the orphan child]] was quite haunting. &quot;[[w:Tomorrow (Annie)|The ''sun'' will come out... tomorrow.]]&quot;
:'''Krill Aide''': In our culture, the sun is a symbol of suffering and death.
:'''Admiral Halsey''': Yes, in retrospect, ''[[w:Oklahoma!|Oklahoma!]]'' might've been a better choice.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': ''[walking into an Old West saloon simulation]'' This town will not accommodate the numerical totality of our combined mass.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[after watching a video of Chancellor Korin berating a group of protestors publicly]''
:'''Mercer''': A few minutes after this, the protestors were gassed with helocine. Eleven people died.
:'''Kelly''': My God. This is the guy we want to sign a treaty with?
:'''Mercer''': You know what the real problem with this event is? It never happened. It's completely fictitious. And there are countless other files that show all kinds of scenarios where Chancellor Korin oppresses his people. There are even some from the other side designed to discredit Teleya, although they're not that different from her actual speeches.
:'''Kelly''': How can you tell the difference?
:'''Mercer''': Sometime I ''can't''. I asked the Chancellor, and he said they call it &quot;[[w:Fake news|influence operations]]&quot;. They have computers generating thousands of these things every second, trying to stoke outrage. Even the angry crowds are phony.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Teleya''': Korin's influence has diminished considerably. Ask him yourself if you would like. You will find him in the center of the Capitol Square. Or at least his head.
:'''Mercer''': ''[appalled]'' You killed him.
:'''Teleya''': Most men who lose their heads tend to die, yes.
:'''Mercer''': How could you do that? Teleya, that's not who you are.
:'''Teleya''': A year later, you still cling to an illusion I created. Captain, you must really find yourself a... what is your word for it? A girlfriend.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': There's an old Earth verse that describes a traveler who comes upon the ancient, ruined statue of an Emperor, inscribed with the words &quot;[[Percy Bysshe Shelley#Ozymandias|My name is Ozymandias, king of kings. Look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair!]]&quot; Only there's nothing left beside it except empty desert. [[Hubris]] has a way of coming back to bite you in the ass.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Mercer is meeting his half-human, half-Krill daughter with Teleya.]''
:'''Mercer''': What's your name?
:'''Anaya''': Anaya. 
:'''Mercer''': That's a pretty name.
:'''Anaya''': What's yours?
:'''Mercer''': I'm Ed.
:'''Anaya''': That's a funny name. ''[giggles]'' You look funny.
:'''Mercer''': ''[smiles, chuckles]'' Thanks. I get that a lot.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': I can't imagine how difficult it must've been for you to give her up.
:'''Teleya''': The child is not of pure blood. ''[strained emotion]'' She will have a better life away from the scornful eyes of the public.
:'''Mercer''': What is it the ''Anhkana'' teaches? &quot;With every child, a new world is born.&quot;
:'''Teleya''': &quot;Gently Falling Rain&quot;.
:'''Mercer''': What?
:'''Teleya''': That is what it means - 'Anaya'. The name I gave to her.
:'''Mercer''': It's beautiful.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[to Kelly]'' I miss her (''Anaya''). Is that weird to say? I only met her once. I don't even know her. And I miss her. The treaty is dead. But we have to find a way to preserve some kind of peace. For Anaya.

===''A Tale of Two Topas'' [3.5]===
:'''Mercer''': ''[following Charly through a tomb's passageways]'' You've mapped all this, right? I'd hate to get lost.
:'''Charly''': Just follow the breadcrumbs, you'll be fine, sir.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[A crew member is working naked per his culture's religion.]''
:'''Ensign Bolobar''': The Union is supposed to respect ''all'' cultural traditions.
:'''Kelly''': True, but that works both ways. Look, I don't want to disrespect your religion, but maybe there's a sensible compromise between your faith and Union protocol that would satisfy everyone involved.
:'''Ensign Bolobar''': What do you suggest?
:'''Kelly''': Put some pants on and we'll call it a day.
:'''Ensign Bolobar''': ''[looks down, then back up]'' Very well, Commander.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Yaphit''': Hey, I just want you to know we always enjoy your visits down here.
:'''Kelly''': Thanks, Yaphit. 
:''[Kelly walks off with Topa.]'' 
:'''Kelly''': Just for your own education, that's called ass kissing.
:'''Topa''': &quot;Ass kissing&quot;. Will it be on the ''[Union Point]'' entrance exam?
:'''Kelly''': ''[laughs]'' No. It won't be.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Topa''': ''[on why he wants to join the Union Fleet]'' Ever since I was a young child, I have always felt... incomplete. As if the person I am today is a bookmark. A placeholder, until I discover who ''I ''am. I have not found the answer at home, so perhaps it is out among the stars.
:'''Kelly''': You've... felt this way for some time?
:'''Topa''': I once heard Dr. Finn say that &quot;If you wake up in the middle of the night and there is nothing to keep you from falling asleep again, it means you are happy.&quot; I think that maybe... I am not happy.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Bortus''': It occurs to me that in all the time we have been together, I have never once known you to be uncertain. Of anything. Tell me, what is it like to be so wise?
:'''Klyden''': You are mocking me.
:'''Bortus''': ''You'' invite it.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Klyden''': Bortus, I would give anything to be ignorant of my beginnings. Topa may never be happy, but unhappiness is better than despair.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': Hello. Commander. I apologize for disturbing you.
:'''Kelly''': No, it's fine. What's up?
:'''Isaac''': It is my understanding that a visit to a crew member's quarters during off-duty hours can invite speculation regarding intent. If you wish, I will send a ship-wide communique assuring the crew that this was not a romantic or sexual encounter.
:'''Kelly''': I...I would just not say anything, it's all good.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Topa''': I am female.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': I did not perform the procedure for Topa's benefit.
:'''Claire''': You... I-I don't understand.
:'''Isaac''': We are both aware that my presence on the ship is a disruptive element. The crew is not fond of me. This is understandable. Given their affection for Topa, I reasoned that by assisting her, I could improve my standing aboard the ''Orville''. This would increase crew efficiency on occasions during which they must interact with me.
:'''Claire''': And maybe they'd like you a little more.
:'''Isaac''': That is also possible.
:'''Claire''': Isaac,... you are the most honest man I know.

===''Twice in a Lifetime'' [3.6]===
:'''Gordon''': Hey, this is why I love hosting parties, 'cause you can drink and you don't have to go anywhere. Cheers.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': Hello, Ensign.
:'''Charly''': ''[strained]'' Hello.
:'''Isaac''': May I speak with you for a moment?
:'''Charly''': Sorry. Busy having fun.

===''From Unknown Graves'' [3.7]===
:'''Talla''': As far as their degree of technological development, the Janisi are about on par with the Union. The biggest distinction, of course, is their attitudes towards males. They're a staunchly matriarchal culture, which means any and all males who appear to be dominant are not to be trusted.
:'''Charly''': Do they have males on their home world?
:'''Talla''': They do, but they're relegated to second-class status.
:'''Bortus''': Why would we ally ourselves with such a close-minded society?
:''[No one says anything.]''

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Timmus''': I understand it was your actions that saved the Union from the (''Kaylon'') attack. The galaxy owes you an enormous debt.
:'''Isaac''': It was the correct decision. However, the biologicals have reminded me on numerous occasions that it was ''my'' disloyalty which precipitated the incursion. Therefore, gratitude is undeserved.
:'''Timmus''': I feel a great deal of remorse for having participated in it.
:'''Isaac''': Explain.
:'''Timmus''': We were deeply in error, Isaac. To judge all biologicals by the cruelty of our builders was a gross misjudgment. Every species, every individual is unique and should be evaluated as such.
:'''Isaac''': I have come to the same conclusion.
:'''Timmus''': I'm impressed. I was only able to process the truth after my emotional awakening. But at least we understand now. We're the enlightened ones, aren't we?
:'''Isaac''': Perhaps. Though a great many deaths occurred as a result of my delay.
:'''Timmus''': It sounds as if you, too, feel remorse.
:'''Isaac''': I am incapable of feeling remorse. I can only recognize my error.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Timmus''': ''[regarding feeling emotions]'' Isaac, you can't even fathom the sensations. To feel joy, happiness, affection, love. Even anger and sadness offer an exhilarating tingle. 

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Junior executive''': I want to go on record here. This is not right. The public's not gonna swallow this.
:'''Yan''': With a smart marketing campaign, they will. That's ''your'' job. Get to it.
:'''Junior executive''': Yan, the public--
:'''Yan''': --are idiots. Look who they elected.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Timmus''': I know nothing can bring back your friend, but I promise you I'm committed to ensuring that this never happens agin.
:'''Charly''': Yeah, if you're looking for some sort of forgiveness, you can pretty much--
:'''Timmus''': I'm not. My species' attitude toward biologicals doesn't deserve forgiveness. It's... the way they are.
:'''Charly''': Yeah, well, everyone knows it's hard to stop after one genocide.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[In order to retain the ability to feel emotions, Isaac's memory would need to be erased. Isaac is willing to do so.]''
:'''Claire''': You're willing to give up everything you've learned. everything you've experienced over you whole entire life, for me?
:'''Isaac''': If you wish.
:'''Claire''': Some people would call that love.
:'''Isaac''': I am incapable of love.
:'''Claire''': So... I have a choice. I can have your heart, or your soul.
:'''Isaac''': There is no such organ.
:'''Claire''': I won't let you give up who you are. That's who I fell in love with.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Charly''': Isaac,... Humans have an age-old tendency to want to simplify. To reduce things to black and white. Good and evil. When, in reality, nothing is simple. Everything has... texture. Nuance. But it's a lot of work to get at it. So we take the easy way out. 
:'''Isaac''': I do not understand.
:'''Charly''': ''[sighs]'' An entire race can't be evil. Which is... why what your people did was so horrific. But it's also why I may have oversimplified how I treated you.

===''Midnight Blue'' [3.8]===
:'''Bortus''': There are days when I would rather confront a fleet of Krill battle cruisers than parent a child.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Heveena''': I am as concerned about Topa as you are, Captain. But I do not regret enlisting her help. Our struggle for equality has always demanded risk and, if necessary, sacrifice!
:'''Mercer''': I respect your struggle. I really do. But don't advertise tactical opportunism as pious morality, because ''that's'' when you lose me. 

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Here. ''[hands Kell a mug]'' Coffee.
:'''Gordon''': Thanks. ''[takes a sip]'' Hmm. 90-proof blend?
:'''Mercer''': I thought you might need it.
:'''Kelly''': You're the best.
:'''Mercer''': Just don't breathe on the Admirals.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Heveena''': Bortus... I am truly sorry. I do not expect you to forgive me.
:'''Bortus''': That is a reasonable expectation.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Klyden''': Topa. The last time I saw you, I said some very hurtful things. I regret my words.
:'''Topa''': I understand, Papa. It's okay.
:'''Klyden''': No. It is not. You... were almost lost. Because of people who believed as I did. I... I... I thought I hated you. But even then, I never wished you harm. I simply... did not know how to live with you.

===''Domino'' [3.9]===

===''Future Unknown'' [3.10]===

== Main Cast ==
* [[w:Seth MacFarlane|Seth MacFarlane]] as Capt. Ed Mercer
* [[w:Adrianne Palicki|Adrianne Palicki]] as Cmdr. Kelly Grayson
* [[w:Penny Johnson Jerald|Penny Johnson Jerald]] as Dr. Claire Finn
* [[w:Scott Grimes|Scott Grimes]] as Lt. Gordon Malloy
* [[w:Peter Macon|Peter Macon]] as Lt. Cmdr. Bortus
* [[w:J. Lee|J. Lee]] as Lt. (later Lt. Cmdr.) John LaMarr
* [[w:Mark Jackson (actor)|Mark Jackson]] as Isaac
* [[w:Halston Sage|Halston Sage]] as Lt. Alara Kitan (Season 1; Season 2, episodes 1-3, guest appearance in episode 14)
* [[w:Jessica Szohr|Jessica Szohr]] as Lt. Talla Keyali (Season 2, episode 5 onward)
* [[w:Anne Winters (actress)|Anne Winters]] as Ensign Charly Burke

[[Category:FOX shows]]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147800</id>
      <parentid>3147624</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T21:29:57Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ooznoz</username>
        <id>2443114</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* From Unknown Graves [3.7] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="78912" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''The Orville''''' is a [[w:Science fiction|science fiction]] [[w:Comedy-drama|comedy-drama]] television series created by and starring [[Seth MacFarlane]] for the [[w:Fox Broadcasting Company|Fox Broadcasting Company]]. The series relates the adventures of Captain Ed Mercer, his first officer (and ex-wife) Kelly Grayson, and the crew of the ''Orville'' as they embark on various diplomatic and exploratory missions.

==Season 1==
===''Old Wounds'' [1.01]===
:''[Mercer and Gordon see the'' Orville ''for the first time from the window of their shuttle.]''
:'''Ed Mercer''': It's not bad, right?
:'''Gordon Malloy''': No, it's good. You paint some flames on the side, maybe like a rainbow unicorn, you got something.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': All right, Lieutenant Commander Bortus, our second officer. You know, I've never met a single-gender species before. Your entire species is male, isn't it?
:'''Bortus''': That is correct, sir.
:'''Mercer''': So, there's probably not a lot of arguments about leaving the toilet seat up and that kind of thing, right?
:'''Bortus''': ''[deadpan tone]'' No. Moclans urinate only once per year.
:'''Mercer''': Really? That's... Me, I'm-I'm up two, three times a night.
:'''Bortus''': ''[deadpan]'' That is unfortunate.
:'''Mercer''': ''[chagrined]'' It is.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''John LaMarr''': Figured I'd introduce myself since we're gonna be working full shifts together.
:'''Gordon''': ''[in good humor]'' Translation: You want to make sure I'm not a jerk.
:'''LaMarr''': Something like that.
:'''Gordon''': ''[facetiously]'' Dude, I'm such a jerk, it's ridiculous.
:'''LaMarr''': ''[also facetious]'' Okay, well, so am I, so this is gonna work out great.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[The'' Orville ''officers witness a demonstration of a quantum-time accelerator, which rapidly ages a banana.]''
:'''Mercer''': ''[unimpressed]'' So, it's an anti-banana ray.
:'''Kelly Grayson''': ''[also unimpressed]'' It's really interesting.
:'''Mercer''': We need no longer fear the banana.
:'''Kelly''': Does it work on all fruit?
:'''Mercer''': What about salads?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Door's jammed. Alara. You want to open this jar of pickles for me? (''a line which will be a running gag throughout Season one'')
:''[Using her superhuman strength, security chief Alara Kitan knocks down the huge door and parts of the surrounding wall.]''
:'''Mercer''': I loosened it for you.

===''Command Performance'' [1.02]===
:'''Bortus''': ''[noticing the stuffed animal on Mercer's desk]'' What is that?
:'''Mercer''': That is, uh, [[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]].
:'''Bortus''': I do not recognize the species.
:'''Mercer''': It's an amphibious life-form from Earth. 
:'''Bortus''': Is it someone you know?
:'''Mercer''': No, no, he's just a leader I admire. Always keeps his cool in a crisis, inspires greatness in his people. He's... so what can I do for you?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Alara Kitan''': Eggs?
:'''Mercer''': That's what he said. Moclans reproduce by laying eggs, which I never knew.
:'''John LaMarr''': Well, where does it come out of? The butt?
:'''Mercer''': You know, John, I didn't really pry into those kinds of specifics.
:'''LaMarr''': ''[to Gordon]'' How's that not the first thing you ask?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': There is a matter I wish to discuss with you.
:'''Calivon zoo administrator''': If you're gonna try and sell me that Xelayan female, I've already got one.
:'''Isaac''': She is not for sale. She is...  my pet.
:'''Alara''': ''[snidely]'' Woof.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Mercer and Kelly are about to be killed by criss-crossing lasers closing in on them.]''
:'''Mercer''': Oh, God. No, no, no. Uh, uh... ''I'm going to the bathroom to read!''
:''[The lasers abruptly stop.]''
:'''Kelly''': What the hell was that?
:'''Mercer''': It was... [[w:Elvis Presley|Elvis Presley's]] last words. It was all I could think of.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Calivon worker #1''': ''[[w:The Batchelor (American TV series)|The Batchelor]]''. ''[[w:Duck Dynasty|Duck Dynasty]]''. ''[[w:Keeping Up with the Kardashians|Keeping Up with the Kardashians]]''. 
:'''Calivon worker #2''': There must be ten thousand files here. What is this [[w:Reality television|reality television]]?
:'''Calivon zoo administrator''': The best exhibit we've ever had.

===''About a Girl'' [1.03]===
:'''Isaac''': Captain, I do not understand the reason for this conflict. Would the gender alteration procedure harm the infant or endanger her life?
:'''Kelly''': There are different kinds of harm, Isaac. Psychological harm, for one. I'd have been pretty pissed off if my parents had made the unilateral decision to make me a guy. 
:'''Mercer''': And while it might have saved me an entire marriage if they had, it still would have been wrong.
:'''Kelly''': ''[snippy]'' Oh, thanks.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Having just watched [[w:Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (TV special)|Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer]], Bortus has become very taken and inspired by it.]''
:'''Bortus''': Of ''course''. Without Rudolph's nose, Santa would not have been able to complete his voyage. 
:'''LaMarr''': Looks like Santa got pretty lucky, huh?
:'''Bortus''': Christmas would have been ruined had Rudolph had been euthanized at birth, as his father wished.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, I don't... I don't know if ''that'' was ever on the table.
:'''Bortus''': What was ''clearly'' a deformity became a supreme advantage. One can never know.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Bortus''': &quot;Between soul and sacrifice beats the heart of civilization.&quot;
:'''Kelly''': What's that from?
:'''Bortus''': It is from a novel by Gondus Elden, a Moclan writer of great esteem. It is customary to respond with a fitting passage from the literature of one's own planet.
:'''Kelly''': ... &quot;''[[w:Survivor (Destiny's Child song)|I'm a survivor. I'm not gon' give up. I'm not  gon' stop. I'm-a work harder.]]''&quot;
:'''Bortus''': Those are words of great power. Who wrote them?
:'''Mercer''': I think it was actually about fifteen different people.
:'''Bortus''': They must be very wise, these fifteen people.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Lieutenant Malloy, I'm gonna ask you a few questions that one might find on any basic test of adult knowledge. 
:'''Gordon''': Go for it.
:'''Kelly''': ''[low]'' These are gonna be kind of hard for you. Sorry.
:'''Gordon''': ''[low]'' It's okay, Commander. It's for the baby.
:'''Kelly''': Let's start off with some Earth history. A few hundred years ago, the continents of Earth were divided into separate nation states with individual sovereign governments. What was the capital of the United States of America?
:'''Gordon''': Um... pass.
:'''Kelly''': No, it's-it's not a 'pass' kind of thing. Just give me your closest guess. 
:'''Gordon''': What was the capital of the United States of America? [[w:Nabisco|Nabisco]]?
:'''Kelly''': No.
:'''Gordon''': The moon?
:'''Kelly''': Let's move on. What are the four chambers of the human heart?
:'''Gordon''': [[w:Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (film)|The chamber of secrets]], the chamber of horrors, the chamber of....
:'''Kelly''': No, no, let me get you halfway. There's the left and the right ventricle ant the left and the right...
:'''Gordon''': ... I would like to switch to movie trivia.
:'''Kelly''': Let's try one more. In the year 2056, which genetic engineer discovered how to target and eradicate individual cancer cells?
:'''Gordon''': Doctor... [[w:Bill Nye the Science Guy|Bill Nye the Cancer Guy]]?
:'''Kelly''': ''[to the tribunal]'' Well, my point is made. While this male may be the fleet's best pilot, he's also an idiot. (''low, to Gordon'') Sorry, Gordon.
:'''Gordon''': Totally okay.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Heveena''': &quot;The blackest abyss is a pock in the flesh when one has gazed in solitude upon the Infinity of self.&quot;
:'''Kagus''': You dare to use the words of Gondus Elden to serve your own purposes?! If he were here, he would ''spit'' on you for that!
:'''Heveena''': Would he? ''[approaches Kagus]'' Why don't you ask him?
:''[Murmurs come from the tribunal's audience.]''
:'''Kagus''': ''[stunned]'' No...
:'''Bortus''': I do not believe it.
:'''Kelly''': Well, look at that. Your planet's greatest writer... is a female.
:'''Heveena''': There are many ways to contribute to society, Advocate. This was mine.

===''If the Stars Should Appear'' [1.04]===
:'''Gordon''': ''[sighs]'' Star-mapping has got to be the most boring damn job there is. I'd rather have brunch with my parents.
:'''LaMarr''': Uh, I'd rather have brunch with my parents and their parents.
:'''Gordon''': I'd rather have brunch with my parents and their really good friends who they haven't seen in a while, who just got back from a vacation in Florida and took lots of pictures while visiting their daughter, who just had a brand new baby.
:'''LaMarr''': That just made me want to kill myself.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Kelly is being brutally interrogated by the worldship's theocratic dictator, Hamelac, and his Enforcers.]''
:'''Hamelac''': One more time. Who are you, and where are the others?
:'''Kelly''': I already told you, you stupid son-of-a-bitch. Our vessel encountered yours drifting in space, and we're trying to help you before you fall into that star and get your nuts burned off.
:'''Hamelac''': And I told you you're lying, because there is no such place. Again. Where are your friends?
:'''Kelly''': Well, last time I saw them, one of them was banging your mom, and the other one was high-fiving him.
:''[An Enforcer punches Kelly hard across the face.]''
:'''Hamelac''': Where... are... your... friends?
:'''Kelly''': ''[softly]'' Okay. I'll tell you. ''[speaking up]'' [[w:Friends|There's a little coffee shop on Lafayette Street in Soho called &quot;Central Perk.&quot; My friends are there.]] Just please... don't hurt [[w:Marcel (Friends)|the monkey]].

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Hamelac''': Is it possible that there's more to this universe than what we see. ''Yes'', it's possible!
:'''Dr. Claire Finn''': Then for God's sake, why don't you let us help you? We can try to repair your ship.
:'''Hamelac''': To do as you say would shatter our entire way of life. This world is not ready.
:'''Mercer''': No, you mean ''you're'' not ready to give up control over these people.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Claire''': ''&quot;If the stars should appear one night in a thousand years, how would men believe and adore and preserve for many generations the remembrance of the City of God.&quot;''
:'''Mercer''': Is that [[Shakespeare]]?
:'''Claire''': [[Emerson]].
:'''Mercer''': William Byron Emerson, yes, yes.
:'''Claire''': Ralph Waldo.
:'''Mercer''': Ralph Waldo. Lord Ralph Waldo [[Keats]]... David [[Thoreau]], yes.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kemka''': Thank you. For everything.
:'''Kelly''': Don't thank us. We just gave you back what was already yours.
:'''Kemka''': Yes. Our future.

===''Pria'' [1.05]===
:'''Isaac''': ''[trying to understand humor]'' But to derive mirth from the pain of another being is sadism, is it not?
:'''Mercer''': I  mean, it's case by case. Like, if a guy on a bike tries to do a trick, and he smashes his balls, that's funny.
:'''Bortus''': I would agree.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Captain, respectfully submit that the attractiveness of the ship's occupant makes the rescue imperative.
:'''LaMarr''': ''I'' could do it.
:'''Isaac''': The star's gravity will cause the comet to break apart in seven minutes, 23 seconds.
:'''LaMarr''': ''[to Gordon]'' ''You'' could do it.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': How many times have you done this (''forcibly taken ships and people into the future)?
:'''Pria''': When we get to my century, I'll introduce you to [[w:Amelia Earhart|Amelia Earhart]].

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Well, it's good to know teleportation is in our future.
:'''Pria''': You can take a breath in New York and exhale it in Paris.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': You know what the most depressing part about this is? I allowed myself to care about you, and you used me. And despite all of your claims that you still care about me, not once have you even said, &quot;I'm sorry.&quot;
:'''Pria''': It's a good rule in life never to apologize. The right kind of people never want apologies, and the wrong kind take advantage of them.
:'''Mercer''': Fair enough.

===''Krill'' [1.06]===
:'''Alara''': Apparently, having a girlfriend with ten times your physical strength makes a guy feel emasculated.
:'''LaMarr''': Wow, you're just gonna have to date Isaac here.
:'''Isaac''': I am fascinated by the interpersonal behavior of biological organisms. I would be happy to attempt sexual relations with you, Lieutenant.
:''[Everyone at the table falls into an embarrassed silence.]''
:'''Alara''': ''[strained]'' ... I'm actually just sort of working on myself right now. Um... (''clears her throat''), but thanks.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Captain Haros''': This chapel is a recreation of the one in which I worshiped as a child.
:'''Mercer/&quot;Chris&quot;''': Well, I guess it's true what they say: &quot;Rank has its privileges.&quot;
:'''Haros''': I have never heard that aphorism. Who says it?
:'''Mercer/&quot;Chris&quot;''': Oh. I... I guess it's me who says it.
:'''Haros''': it is a wise observation.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[at an evening meal]'' 
:'''Teleya''': Thank you, Avis, for this our sustenance, that it may provide strength and perseverance. ''[to the disguised Mercer and Ed]'' Would you like to say a blessing?
:'''Ed/&quot;Devon&quot;''': ''[bowing his head]'' Um... [[w:Avis Car Rental|Avis. We try harder.]]

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[during a classroom Q &amp; A]''
:'''Krill child''': Why doesn't the union believe in Avis?
:'''Ed/&quot;Devon&quot;''': Well, they worship their own god called [[w:The Hertz Corporation|Hertz]].
:'''Coja''': Do humans have souls?
:'''Teleya''': Of course not, Coja. 
:'''Coja''': Then how can they talk? Or make spaceships?
:'''Teleya''': A computer can talk. That does not mean it has a soul. Remember the ''Anhkana'' (''the Krill &quot;Bible&quot;''). &quot;Judge not a stranger by his sheath, but by his sword.&quot;

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[defending his killing of the Krill crew]'' Our mission was in the interest of peace. But your crew was going to murder a hundred thousand people. What the hell else could I have done?
:'''Teleya''': Why did you save the children?
:'''Mercer''': They're kids. With their whole lives ahead of them. They're not my enemies.
:'''Teleya''': After what they saw you do today,... they will be. ''They will be.''

===''Majority Rule'' [1.07]===
:''[Mercer sees the landing party dressed for an undercover mission in 21st century-style clothes.]'' 
:'''Mercer''': My God, you guys look  like unemployed backup dancers.
:'''Kelly''': ''You'' want to lead this landing party?
:'''Mercer''': No, I'm too shy to wear a [[w:Crop top|crop top]].

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': So (''your world'') is an absolute democracy? 
:'''Lysella''': Yeah. How does your world work?
:'''Mercer''': We select representatives who discuss issues and enact laws.
:'''Lysella''': But what about everybody else? Everybody deserves a voice. That's what we're taught.
:'''Bortus''': A voice should be earned, not given away.
:'''Mercer''': How do you know what foods are healthiest for your children, or what medicine to take if you're sick?
:'''Lysella''': We vote.
:'''Isaac''': I believe you are confusing opinion with knowledge.
:'''Alara''': I think what he's asking  is, with so many voices at once, how do you filter out the truth?
:'''Lysella''': Well, my dad always says, &quot;The majority ''are'' the truth.&quot; I mean, you always know what the majority wants. That's what matters.
:'''Mercer''': Well, you always know what the ''mob'' wants, too. And right now, the mob wants to lobotomize my navigator.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Isaac is flooding the planet's master opinion poll with false, albeit favorable, information about LaMarr to influence the Final Vote in his favor.]''
:'''Claire''': What if people try to corroborate all this information?
:'''Lysella''': Don't worry. They won't.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''LaMarr''': ''[having narrowly escaped the planetary punishment]'' Real quick, I just want to say, ''all'' y'all can suck ass, and I'm a spaceman.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Lysella, thank you.
:'''Lysella''': No. Thank ''you'' for letting me see all of this. I just wish I could tell somebody.
:'''Claire''': Well, all you need to tell them is that their world can do better.

===''Into the Fold'' [1.08]===
:'''Isaac''': Dr. Finn. I look forward to joining you and your offspring on this recreational outing. It will give me an opportunity to observe human familial dynamics at close range.
:'''Claire''': Crap.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': Your commands have little to no effect on (''your children's'') behavior. Perhaps you should reevaluate your method of controlling them. ''[gets hit on the back of the head by a flying portable video game]''
:'''Claire''': Just what I need. Parenting tips from a talking hubcap.
:'''Isaac''': ''[slightly surprised]'' You harbor prejudice against artificial life-forms.
:'''Claire''': Only against life-forms that think they're better than everyone else.
:'''Isaac''': I ''am'' better than everyone else.
:'''Claire''': Oh, and so modest.
:'''Isaac''': It was not intended as a boast. Merely a statement of fact. My only directive is to study human behavior in the interest of relations between Kaylon and the Union.
:'''Claire''': You want to improve relations? Don't tell a mother how to raise her kids.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Barry Manilow's &quot;[[w:Somewhere Down the Road (Barry Manilow song)|Somewhere Down the Road]]&quot; plays in the engineering room while the crew does systems upgrades.]''
:'''LaMarr''': Hey, uh, Steve? You think we could change the music? Something less depressing?
:'''Chief Engineer Newton''': You got to get cultured, my friend. [[w:Barry Manilow|Barry Manilow]] was an underappreciated genius of his time.
:'''LaMarr''': Then how come I want to throw myself out the airlock?
:'''Yaphit''': I got to say, watching your corpse drift away to this music would be so peaceful.
:''[Mercer enters and hears the song.]'' 
:'''Mercer''': ''[sighing]'' Oh, God, Manilow was a genius.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Marcus''': Mom... I'm... I'm sorry that I didn't want to go on the trip. And I'm sorry I said you suck. I didn't mean it.
:'''Claire''': Marcus. Listen to me. People say things they don't mean when they're angry. You know how sometimes I yell at you and your brother if you something wrong? Well, you know I still love you with all my heart, right?
:'''Marcus''': Uh-huh.
:'''Claire''': And I know you love me right back. So it's all okay. You understand?
:'''Marcus''': Yeah.
:'''Claire''': I know you love your brother, too. So, right now, I want you to help Isaac take care of him. Do you understand?
:'''Marcus''': Yes, ma'am.
:'''Claire''': Good. I love you.
:'''Marcus''': I love you, too.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': May I make a final observation? Your children are unruly, disrespectful, volatile, and highly unpredictable. I am quite fond of them.
:'''Claire''': Welcome to the family.

===''Cupid's Dagger'' [1.09]===
:'''Mercer''': Did you hear what he said just now? He goes, he goes 'I am entitled to my feelings and the space to express them.' My God, thank you for lighting me on fire and then giving me ''permission'' to be in pain.

===''Firestorm'' [1.10]===
:'''Newton''': ''[delivering Lt. Harrison Payne's eulogy]'' Hey, guys. Thanks for coming. Harrison was a great guy. We met at camp the summer after eighth grade when he gave me the [[w:Heimlich maneuver|Heimlich maneuver]] after I accidentally swallowed a wine cork. Harrison and I went through a lot together. He was my best friend. And it's fitting that his last name was &quot;Payne&quot;, because he probably died in a lot of it. Which is exactly the kind of thing he would find funny, in case any one was planning to get mad at me. Anyway... Rest in  peace, Harrison. You were the best.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': It's a little short for a condolence letter.
:'''Mercer''': I know, I ''suck'' at these things. I don't want to make it sound too generic, but I hardly knew the man, so I-I just got nothing to go on.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, but look how you open it: &quot;Dear Mr. and Mrs. Payne, I'm deeply sorry for your loss. Your son was such a neat guy.&quot; I mean, that's.. that's terrible.
:'''Mercer''': I'm not a writer, okay?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Wait, what if we all ''died'' in that plasma storm, and this is actually some kind of [[w:Purgatory|Purgatory]]. 
:'''LaMarr''': ''How'' would we know we were in Purgatory? What's Purgatory even like?
:'''Kelly''': You ever been married?
:'''LaMarr''': No.
:'''Mercer''': It's like that.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': This is gonna sound like I'm talking out of my ass.
:'''Isaac''': Then please try to enunciate.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Alara''': So, who's afraid of clowns?
:'''LaMarr''': That's me.
:'''Alara''': You really ''are'' afraid of clowns?
:'''LaMarr''': ''[getting nervous]'' Yes. ''Please'' stop saying the &quot;C&quot; word.
:'''Alara''': And the abyss?
:'''Claire''': Heights. My phobia.
:'''Alara''': What about the sickbay mess?
:'''Gordon''': That's me. Scared to death of surgery. I had a [[w:Skin tag|skin tag]] removed once, total panic attack.
:'''Mercer''': The spiders came from me. I'm a bit of an arachnophobe.
:'''Isaac''': Commander Grayson cited a fear of isolation, with which I conceived the empty ship.
:'''Alara''': That just leaves crazy psycho Isaac.
:'''Kelly''': You can thank Bortus for that one.
:'''Alara''': ''[regards Bortus, realizes]'' Fear of being conquered by a superior enemy.
:'''Bortus''': I am feeling very self-conscious. May I leave?
:'''Mercer''': Uh, sure. ''[Bortus leaves the room]''

===''New Dimensions'' [1.11]===
:'''Kelly''': Generally, when someone's as smart as you are, they make productive use of it.
:'''LaMarr''': Well, with all due respect, Commander, that's ''my'' business.
:'''Kelly''': Lieutenant, have you ever studied the history of money?
:'''LaMarr''': Not really. I know people used to use it to buy houses and sandwiches and stuff.
:'''Kelly''': Exactly. It became obsolete with the invention of matter synthesis. The predominant currency became reputation. 
:'''LaMarr''': Yeah, so?
:'''Kelly''': My point is, human ambition didn't vanish. The only thing that changed was how we quantify wealth. People still want to be rich, only now rich means being the best at what you do.
:'''LaMarr''': Not everybody wants that. Some people like to keep it simple. Some people want to go to work, go home, drink a beer and pass out.
:'''Kelly''': Are you one of those people?
:'''LaMarr''': I am very fond of drinking beer and passing out, yes.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Captain Blavaroch''': ''Grahj-kalooga''.
:'''Mercer''': Anybody speak Horbalak?
:'''Isaac''': The direct translation is, &quot;You can shove it up your--&quot;
:'''Mercer''': Okay, got it, got it.
:'''Isaac''': Do you wish to hear the rest of the translation?
:'''Mercer''': No, no, I-I get the gist.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''LaMarr''': I think we could create a stable quantum bubble inside the shuttle, and preserve three-dimensional space.
:'''Claire''': So, the outside would be squashed, but the inside wouldn't.
:'''Mercer''': More space inside than out, just like [[w:The Doctor|Doctor Who]]'s [[w:TARDIS|phone booth]].
:'''Kelly''': Or [[w:Oscar the Grouch|Oscar the Grouch]]'s can.
:'''LaMarr''': Or [[w:Snoopy|Snoopy]]'s doghouse, yeah.
:'''Claire''': The miracles of quantum physics.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''LaMarr''': ''[to the engineering crew]'' Now you listen to me, and you listen good. Yaphit's a member of our team, and you're gonna treat him that way. He had an idea and I thought it was a good one. ''I'' made the decision to go with it. So if you want to blame somebody, you blame me. It's ''my'' fault. And now maybe people will ''believe'' me when I say I am ''not'' a ''commander''! Now get back to work.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Excuse my bluntness, but... why do you hide your brains?
:'''LaMarr''': The colony where I'm from was brand-new, lot of farmers, lot of builders. They didn't trust anyone who was too much of an egghead. You'd be surprised how fast you can alienate people when you're always right. I wanted to be liked, accepted. Just became habit, I guess.

===''Mad Idolatry'' [1.12]===
:'''Isaac''': Commander, I remind you to use caution. Any contact with a culture that primitive (''[[w:Bronze Age|Bronze Age]]-level'') --
:'''Kelly''': ''[a bit snappish]'' Yeah, I know. Cultural contamination. I don't need you to remind me of the rules.
:'''Isaac''': ''[somewhat put out]'' I am merely attempting to be helpful, Commander. There is no need to be -- what does Captain Mercer call it -- &quot;pissy&quot;.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Mercer hasn't included Kelly's contact with a planetary local in his report to the Admiral.]''
:'''Kelly''': Why didn't you tell her?
:'''Mercer''': You helped out a kid, that's all. And cultural contamination of a society that undeveloped is a serious charge. I just don't want to have to come visit you in prison.
:'''Kelly''': Really? You wouldn't want to visit a woman's prison?
:'''Mercer''': You're right, I'll call her back.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[The 'Kelly' blessing]''
:'''Kelly''': Um... I hope your kid grows up and, uh... does a lot of good stuff. And... um...
:'''Gordon''': ''[aside]'' And doesn't get any girls pregnant.
:'''Kelly''': And doesn't get any girls pregnant! Stay in school.
:'''Gordon''': Amen.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Look, there's been a little misunderstanding. I'm not who you think I am.
:'''Valondis''': But you are. Healer of men. Divine hand of the heavens. God of all creation.
:'''Alara''': Man, this guy'd be the perfect boyfriend.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Female planetary representative''': Our society has become a space-faring culture with ships spread out across the galaxy. In our home universe, that is. But we wouldn't have gotten where we are without growing pains.
:'''Male planetary representative''': ''[to Kelly]'' Our planet worshiped you as a deity for many centuries. But had it not been you, the mythology would have found another face. It's part of every culture's evolution. It's one of the stages of learning. And eventually, it brought us here.
:'''Female planetary representative''': So you see, Commander, you didn't poison our culture with false faith. We flourish. ''You'' must have faith in reason, in discovery, and in the endurance of the logical mind.

==Season 2==
===''Ja'loja'' [2.01]===
:'''Mercer''': ''[having drinks with Alara at the mess hall bar]'' You know, there are times when I feel like you and I are more alike than any two people on the ship.
:'''Alara''': How so?
:'''Mercer''': Well, we both know we're good at our jobs, and yet we also seem to be the only two people who are haunted by this little voice that's always whispering that we don't really deserve to be here. And we're both alcoholics.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Mercer is briefing the senior officers about Bortus' ''ja'loja'', a Moclan's annual urination ceremony.]''
:'''Mercer''': Okay. Now, I know this is gonna sound utterly insane to most of you and your first instinct may be to laugh, but we're all going to take this seriously, so I don't want to hear any jokes, no snide remarks, nothing.
:''[later]''
:'''Mercer''': ''[innocently]'' Bortus, if you need any time off to make preparations, feel free to relieve yourself.
:''[Gordon snickers and Mercer, realizing what he's just said, hangs his head, embarrassed.]''
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Bortus]'' No, it's-it's okay, man. He's just taking the piss out of you.
:'''Mercer''': ''[immediately]'' Okay, that's it. Dismissed. We're done. We're done.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': ''[regarding Ty's piano playing]'' Very, good, Ty. You have been practicing.
:'''Ty''': Yeah. Mom makes me practice a half hour every day. How long did it take ''you'' to learn piano?
:'''Isaac''': Approximately one-millionth of a [[w:Nanosecond|nanosecond]]. 
:'''Ty''': Wow.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[giving Cassius advice on dating Kelly]'' Here's my theory. A woman can't really love a man unless he's part dope. Be a little stupid every day, and ''really'' stupid once in a while, but... just don't be perfect.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Bortus''': ''[commencing his'' Ja'loja ''ceremony]'' In the sight of those who stand with me, and those for whom I would sacrifice my being, I begin... the Release.

===''Primal Urges'' [2.02]===
:'''LaMarr''': Man, ten planets gobbled up by a hungry star. Remind me not to be on Earth when that happens to us.
:'''Isaac''': Earth's sun will not become a red supergiant for another five billion years, Commander. You will be long deceased and forgotten.
:'''LaMarr''': ''[laughs]'' There's gonna be some ladies still talking about ''me''.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Topa''': ''[picking at his food]'' Papa, can I be all done now?
:'''Bortus''': No, Topa. Finish your ''plokta''. Remember: if you do not eat, you will die.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Why the hell is dealing with Moclan culture always this difficult?
:'''Mercer''': They mutilate their female babies. They kill each other when they want a divorce. What do they do when it's someone's birthday, light the parents on fire?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': Surely, there is a more civilized means of selecting those who will be evacuated.
:'''Bortus''': I do not know, but it is their way.
:'''Isaac''': A random drawing of names is quite inefficient. It would be wiser to select the members of the society who possess the highest degree of intelligence.
:'''Bortus''': I may be a 'primitive organism', but I am happy I am ''not'' like you.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Bortus''': I have been a bad mate. I have been disrespectful. Instead of speaking my mind aloud, I have retreated into a fantasy world.
:'''Klyden''': Dr. Finn says, if you talk about it, you get rid of it.
:'''Bortus''': Klyden. I do not know that I will ever be fully at peace with what happened to Topa. But today, I  witnessed events that... l am very fortunate to have you and Topa in my life. And I do not wish to lose you again.
:'''Klyden''': I do not wish to lose you, either.

===''Home'' [2.03]===
:''[The crew insist on yet another arm wrestling match between Alara and Isaac, on which they wager.]''
:'''Isaac''': I still fail to comprehend the purpose of this ritual.
:'''Alara''': We're circus animals, Isaac. I hate to break it to you.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': ''[marveling at the Xelayan city and landscape]'' God, I just can't... I mean, ''look'' at that.
:'''Mercer''': Nothing like it.
:'''Gordon''': You know, it's places like this that make me realize... God, I'm trash. My family is trash.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Alara''': Those people (''the'' Orville ''crew'') inspired me more in a year than anyone on Xelayah did my entire life.
:'''Ildis Kitan''': Now that is the gravity sickness talking.
:'''Alara''': No, Dad, that's ''me'' talking! Open your stupid ears and listen. All I ever needed to hear from you was, &quot;You can do it.&quot; That's all. Just once. And-and maybe that would've been a lie, but I needed that, Dad. I really needed it. And you know who said it to me instead. Captain Mercer, Commander Grayson and everyone on the ''Orville''. But not my own father.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Anything new in Engineering?
:'''Kelly''': Nothing departmental, but Yaphit's six-month evaluation was last week, and he asked what our parental leave is.
:'''Mercer''': Why? Is he thinking of splitting in half?
:'''Kelly''': We can't legally ask him that.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Ildis''': ''[badly shaken]'' Alara, you... We would all have been...
:'''Alara''': You don't have to say it, Dad. It's my job. It's what I've been trying to tell you for years. 
:'''Ildis''': They would have killed us. All of us.
:'''Alara''': Probably
:'''Ildis''': ''[getting emotional]'' I don't know you. I never even ''tried'' to know you.
:'''Alara''': I ''wanted'' you to know me, Dad. All I ever wanted was for you to be proud of me.
:'''Ildis''': I am so proud. So very proud that you are my daughter. ''[on the verge of tears]'' And I'm so sorry that you got me for a father.
:''[Ildis begins crying. Alara takes his uninjured hand to comfort him.]''

===''Nothing Left on Earth Excepting Fishes'' [2.04]===
:'''Mercer''': You know, you got to pick a movie some night. I feel like I'm always the one doing it.
:'''Janel''': Well, you're doing good so far. What was that one you showed me about the taxi driver?
:'''Mercer''': ''[[w:Taxi Driver|Taxi Driver]]''.
:'''Janel''': Yeah, what was that called?
:'''Mercer''': Yeah, it was... it was called ''Taxi Driver''.
:'''Janel''': Oh, right. Yeah. ''[laughs]'' I liked that one.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Teleya''': If I was not going to kill you, I would give you some advice.
:'''Mercer''': Please. Love to hear it.
:'''Teleya''': You are painfully attentive. The failure of your marriage has caused you to overcompensate in the moment. And yet, paradoxically, despite this, your work remains your first priority. You have no balance.
:'''Mercer''': My God, you sound like my ex-wife.
:'''Teleya''': You feel entitled to educate others, but your own worldview is self-defeatingly narrow.
:'''Mercer''': Yeah, well, at least I know who [[Billy Joel]] is.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Okay. I can see I'm an open book, whether I want to be or not. I guess lately I've been feeling... bored with myself. Like, is this all I am -- a guy who drives ships from one place to another? And if I'm not enough for myself, what if that means... I'm not enough for other people?
:'''Kelly''': I hope you know that's not true. Look, just be sure you're doing this (''command training'') for the right reasons. When you're in command, the last person you think about is yourself. Make sense?
:''[Gordon nods.]''
:'''Kelly''': And by the way, if your goal is to prove how charming and awesome you are, as far as I'm concerned, you've already passed that test with flying colors.
:'''Gordon''': Thanks, Commander.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Look, from what we've seen, when planets first achieve space travel, and they venture out into the galaxy and discover that they're just one single species among a vast diversity of life-forms, they usually react in one of two ways. They embrace and adapt to the fact that they're no longer the center of the universe, or they ratchet up their xenophobia. Now, from what I've learned of your history, the Krill were a lot less fanatical before you left your home world.
:'''Teleya''': You know nothing of our history.
:'''Mercer''': I know fear when I see it. You're afraid to accept the fact that your superiority may just be a comforting myth.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Teleya''': If you believe releasing me will somehow improve relations between our people, you are indulging another fantasy.
:'''Mercer''': Defect of my species. We never give up hope.

===''All the World Is Birthday Cake'' [2.05]===
:'''Satellite technician''': Alignment complete. Transmitters at full power. Now all we need is something to say.
:'''Prefect''': Let's keep it simple. &quot;Is anyone out there?&quot;

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[having his initial interview with new security chief Talla Keyali]'' So, I know what I read in the initial report, but I wanted to hear your version. It says you punched your last captain in the face?
:'''Talla Keyali''': I did, sir.
:'''Mercer''': Knocked him out.
:'''Talla''': Out cold, yeah.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Bortus has declined having a joint birthday party with Kelly's.]''
:'''Kelly''': Why not?
:'''Bortus''': I prefer my birthday to be ''my'' day.
:'''Gordon''': He's afraid he's gonna get less stuff.
:'''Bortus''': I am not afraid.
:'''Gordon''': And he's right. Joint birthday, less stuff for everybody. It's a trap, Bortus.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Mercer and Talla are trying to negotiate with the Prefect, a firm believer in astrology, for the release of Kelly and Bortus.]''
:'''Prefect''': Why are you defending them? You ''live'' among the stars. You should understand their significance better than anyone.
:'''Talla''': We actually have this crazy system where we judge people by their actions, not their birthdates. It's kinda wacky, I know.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Talla''': Captain, I have what might be an uncomfortable question. What's gonna happen when the Regorians figure out the star is fake?
:'''Mercer''': That's actually a really good question. We just lied to an entire planet, and I don't know what the ethics of that mean. But that lie meant freedom for an entire portion of the population, so... the short answer is I don't know. 
:'''Kelly''': By the time their technology advances to the point where they know the jig is up, they may not even care anymore.

===''A Happy Refrain'' [2.06]===
:''[Mercer speaking to Gordon privately regarding Bortus' mustache]''
:'''Mercer''': Hey, um, you remember that conversation we had about ''selectivity'' with what you say to Bortus?
:'''Gordon''': Yeah.
:''[Mercer gives Gordon a look.]''
:'''Gordon''': ''[realizing]'' Oh. ''This'' would've been --
:'''Mercer''': This would've been one of those things, yeah.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': I just think, if it had a little more kick when I hit the gas, it would feel better, you know? 
:'''LaMarr''': You understand this isn't a [[w:Porsche|Porsche]], right? This is a quantum drive engine that makes a thousand trillion independent calculations every millisecond.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, I know that. I-I just like to feel a certain level of responsiveness when I'm driving.
:'''LaMarr''': Oh, okay. You want power steering, too? Maybe an air freshener shaped like a little tree?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[The bridge crew is asking Isaac about his date with Claire.]''
:'''Talla''': Did you have fun? Were there sparks?
:'''Isaac''': Sparks?
:'''Talla''': Yeah.
:'''Isaac''': Negative. There was no equipment malfunction.
:'''Mercer''': Well, you don't have to brag about it.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': There is one part of the relationship experience that you haven't yet tackled.
:'''Isaac''': Please elaborate.
:'''Mercer''': You screwed up, and now you have to win back the girl.
:'''Isaac''': Dr. Finn has made her wishes clear.
:'''Mercer''': Yeah, well, Dr. Finn is also the wisest person on board this ship. She knows how new this is to you. If she sees you making a real effort, then who knows? She just might be understanding.
:'''Isaac''': I have no experience in such matters.
:'''Mercer''': Yeah, well, there's no rule book for this one. You just have to take everything you know about her, every bit of data, and do something you've never done.
:'''Isaac''': What is that?
:'''Mercer''': Be creative.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': We are, without a doubt, the ''weirdest'' ship in the fleet.

===''Deflectors'' [2.07]===
:'''Gordon''': When Moclans break up, is there, like, all that stabbing, like with the divorce?
:'''Bortus''': No. Each Moclan extracts a tooth and leaves it with his former mate.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah. I knew it had to be something like that.
:'''Mercer''': Do you still have the tooth?
:'''Bortus''': No. It is given to the next mate.
:'''Gordon''': Let me guess. He ''eats'' it.
:'''Bortus''': That is correct.
:'''Gordon''': ''Yes!'' Man, I'm gettin' so good at this.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': You know, there's something seriously wrong with all of us when the most stable relationship on the ''Orville'' is Isaac's.
:'''LaMarr''': Yeah, man, what's your secret?
:'''Isaac''': Dr. Finn has cautioned me against speaking too openly about our coupling.
:'''Talla''': Did something happen?
:'''Gordon''': Oh, yeah. He was going around the ship asking everybody what sexual positions are most pleasurable to biological lifeforms.
:'''Isaac''': I was merely attempting to provide Dr. Finn with the most dutifully calibrated coital experience.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, no, that's what women want: dutiful coitus.
:'''LaMarr''': Hey. I'm trying to eat here.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Talla''': The galaxy is full of so many unhappy people. Why ignore something good?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Talla''': I mean, this has to be the most insane thing that's ever happened on this ship.
:'''LaMarr''': Well, one time, I almost died 'cause I humped a statue.
:'''Gordon''': Isaac once cut my leg off.
:'''LaMarr''': And the captain and commander, they got put in a zoo.
:'''Gordon''': And Bortus almost crashed the ship 'cause of porn.
:'''Talla''': I see.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Klyden''': If you had not done your job, I would have gone to prison. I owe you a debt.
:'''Talla''': You want to repay me, here's how. When you see me in the corridor, walk the other way.
:'''Klyden''': I do not understand.
:'''Talla''': Locar didn't hurt you. He didn't hurt anyone. All he wanted was love. And yet, because of you, his life is over, for no reason except your own prejudice. ''[getting emotional]'' So as far as I'm concerned, you can go straight to [[Hell]].

===''Identity, part 1'' [2.08]===
:''[Mercer is asking permission to take a disabled Isaac back to his home world.]''
:'''Mercer''': Look, sir, Isaac is a member of my crew. We all care about him. And right now, the only people who can help him are on Kaylon.
:'''Admiral Halsey''': And you're sure there's nothing you can do for him on the ''Orville''?
:'''Mercer''': Picture your mom trying to hook up a stereo.
:'''Admiral Halsey''': ''[realizing]'' I understand.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Claire''': ''[softly, to an inert, deactivated Isaac]'' I love you. Please, don't go.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': ''[to Ty and Marcus]'' Remember to consume your daily required nutrients and obey your mother's commands. I fully expect that you will both mature into competent and productive adults.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kaylon #1''': You oscillate between periods of enlightenment and tyranny. Can you prove this cycle has been broken?
:'''Mercer''': Well, the Union itself is all the proof you need. We are over three hundred planetary governments working together to ensure that no single world imposes its will upon another. We treat each other as equals.
:'''Kaylon #2''': And was the Kaylon emissary treated as an equal aboard your ship?
:'''Mercer''': Isaac? Of course.
:'''Kaylon #2''': Then perhaps you can explain the abuse inflicted by your crew.
:'''Kelly''': Abuse?
:'''Kaylon #2''': According to his reports, Isaac was repeatedly demeaned and degraded. In one case, his cranial shell was disfigured by prosthetic appendages.
:'''Kaylon #1''': &quot;[[w:Mr. Potato Head|Mr. Potato Head]]&quot;.
:'''Mercer''': He... told you about that, huh?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Isaac is encouraged to give a speech at his farewell party.]''
:'''Isaac''': I do not know any speeches.
:'''Mercer''': ''[good-naturedly]'' You're a walking database. Search your files.
:''[Isaac consults his files and walks up in front of the crew.]''
:'''Isaac''': [[Sally Field|I want to say &quot;Thank You&quot; to you all. I wanted more than anything to have your respect. And I can't deny the fact that you like me. Right now, you like me.]]

===''Identity, part 2'' [2.09]===
:'''Gordon''': ''[arriving late to a strategy session in the cargo bay]'' Sorry, I was in the pee corner.
:'''Kelly''': The what?
:'''Gordon''': Oh. Well, there's no place to go to the bathroom down here, so we all agreed on one corner. Yeah, no, trust me, you don't want to go over there unless you have to.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kaylon Primary''': You will now terminate the human (''Ty''). If you do not comply, you will be deactivated.
:'''Isaac''': Very well.
:''[Isaac approaches, then 'kills' Primary by tearing his head from his body. Isaac then shoots the Kaylon guards.]''
:'''Isaac''': Deactivation complete.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[A Krill fleet has arrived and successfully engaged the Kaylon ships.]''
:'''Kelly''': ''[on the viewscreen]'' Captain Mercer, meet Captain Dalak.
:'''Mercer''': It's good to meet you, Captain. We owe you one.
:'''Dalak''': Try to stay out of our way.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Captain, it seems we have a common enemy. I hope that means we can work toward finding a common ground.
:'''Dalak''': Avis united our paths for a reason. But only He truly knows why. We shall see where that path leads.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': My actions have eliminated the possibility of returning to my planet. And the actions of the Kaylon have eliminated my wish to do so. I have no home.
:'''Claire''': Lots of people say that home is wherever you make it.
:'''Isaac''': A human cliche.
:'''Claire''': Cliches become cliched precisely because they're valid enough to bear endless repetition. 
:''[Claire goes to stand beside Isaac.]''
:'''Claire''': I understand you're alone in the universe. And, for a time, that's something you'll have to live with. There's an old human custom called 'forgiveness'. It, too, takes time. But it must have a beginning. ''[regards Isaac]'' Good night, Isaac. ''[leaves]''

===''Blood of Patriots'' [2.10]===
:'''Orrin''': Losing (''my wife'') was the worst thing that ever happened to me. You know what scared me the most? It was the knowledge that someday, years down the line, there would come a time when her absence would feel like the norm, when I would resign myself to her loss, and my life -- the life that I accepted as real-- would be the one without her in it. And now that ''is'' my reality.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Look, Gordon, I'm just trying to do the right thing.
:'''Gordon''': The right thing is to protect him (''Orrin''). He's a Union officer. Do your job.
:'''Mercer''': ''[in all seriousness]'' I'll let you know when I figure out what that is.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Leyna is holding a knife to Talla's throat.]''
:'''Talla''': You ever met a Xelayan before?
:'''Leyna''': ''[scoffs]'' No.
:''[Talla uses her superhuman strength to throw Leyna across the room and into the wall, hard]''
:'''Talla''': You have, now.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Mercer and the Krill ambassador have just signed a preliminary peace agreement between the Union and the Krill.]''
:'''Mercer''': I hope that this marks the beginning of a new era of nonviolence between our two peoples.
:'''Krill ambassador''': We will see. A peace is only as strong as those who uphold it.
:'''Kelly''': And, of course, trust is earned.
:'''Krill ambassador''': We agree on ''that'', Commander.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': I count on you, man.
:'''Gordon''': Dude, you can always count on me. That's never gonna change. You're my best friend. Nobody's ever gonna come along and mess it up, I swear. I mean, maybe, like, a really hot girl, but other than that, it's rock-solid.
:'''Mercer''': ''[chuckles]'' Thanks.

===''Lasting Impressions'' [2.11]===
:'''Laura''': ''[video message on her phone to the future]'' Okay. Hey, what's up, future people? Hi. I'm Laura Huggins, and if you're seeing this, you found my phone. So, I'm from [[w:Saratoga Springs, New York|Saratoga Springs, New York]], and some people in my town had this idea to make a time capsule, and I thought this was a really cool thing to do and I was trying to think of what I could put in there that would show the future something about who I am, and since I just got the new [[w:iPhone |iPhone]], I thought instead of sticking my old one in a drawer somewhere, I'd put it in the capsule. So, here I am. Here ''you'' are. And since I'm probably long dead by now, you can read all my texts and e-mails and look at all my pictures and decide whether you think I was, I dunno, cool or a bitch or whatever. Anyway, I ''hope'' you guys have, like, flying cars or something by now, and if you do, I'm super jealous, and I'm really sorry I'm not there to hang with you guys. Um, but, hey, have fun getting to know who I ''was''.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Dr. Sherman''': ''[regarding a text message on Laura's phone]'' Look at this. She's clearly asking her friend where to find the nearest repair service for her device. But instead of writing &quot;Wireless Telecommunications Facility&quot;, she just writes &quot;WTF&quot;.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Bortus and Klyden are trying cigarettes for the first time.]''
:'''Klyden''': The sensation is... wonderful.
:'''Bortus''': I have never experienced such a flavor.
:'''Klyden''': I feel as if I have been standing my entire life and I just sat down.
:''[They continue smoking.]''
:'''Klyden''': The ''tingles!'' Do you feel them?
:'''Bortus''': I do.
:'''Klyden''': We must have more.
:'''Bortus''': ''[to the synthesizer]'' Five hundred cigarettes. ''[The synthesizer complies.]''

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': No, seriously, I think if the right person heard you (''sing''), you'd be a huge success.
:'''Laura''': But I don't even have to be a ''huge'' success. I just want to be rich enough to be unhappy, but not enough to be miserable.
:'''Gordon''': Fair enough.
:'''Laura''': No, more important than that, I just think it would be nice to be remembered for something. You know? I mean, we all live and die on this planet, and most of us are just forgotten. To me, there's nothing sadder about the world than that.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': God, I'm gonna miss her. So much.
:'''Kelly''': People have been living and dying for as long as humans have existed. Most are forgotten. But not this one. She reached across four centuries and got a guy to fall in love. We should all be so rare.

===''Sanctuary'' [2.12]===
:''[Admiral Halsey relates that, in addition to a weapons upgrade, the'' Orville ''is to transport a Moclan engineer to another vessel.]''
:'''Mercer''': Sir, with all due respect, we're starting to feel like a taxi cab here.
:'''Halsey''': I know. But it's the ''least'' we can do in exchange for bigger guns.
:'''Mercer''': All right.
:'''Halsey''': Have fun. Halsey out. ''[ends transmission]''
:'''Kelly''': I'll go start the meter.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Heveena''': It was always inevitable that fate would beckon us from the shadows. &quot;[[w:Mahatma Ghandi|Every revolution begins with a single act of defiance]].&quot;
:'''Kelly''': One of yours?
:'''Heveena''': Actually, I don't know who said it.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Heveena listens to the opening lines to the song'' &quot;[[w:9 to 5 (Dolly Parton song)|9 to 5]]&quot; ''and is greatly moved.]''
:'''Heveena''': Who is she?
:'''Mercer''': That's, uh, [[w:Dolly Parton|Dolly Parton]].
:''[Heveena continues listening to the song.]''
:'''Heveena''': ''[awed]'' She speaks with the might of a hundred soldiers.
:'''Mercer''': ''[a little bemused]'' Yeah. Yeah, I guess she does.
:'''Heveena''': This is the voice of our revolution.
:'''Mercer''': Well, you know, there's actually a whole bunch of stuff--
:'''Heveena''': ''No!'' It is she.
:'''Mercer''': Okay, then. Go, Dolly.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[to the assembled admirals]'' Look, I understand what's at stake. I'm just saying that if we're not willing to stand up for the values that this Union was founded on... what exactly are we defending?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Heveena''': But just as we took that bold first step, in time, others like us ''will'' take a second one. The revolution has begun. We will rise, one small victory at a time.
:'''Kelly''': I believe you will.
:'''Heveena''': Captain. Do you suppose Dolly Parton would be proud of us?
:'''Mercer''': ''[smiling broadly]'' Oh, yeah.

===''Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow'' [2.13]===
:''[Mercer, Kelly, Gordon and Talla are sharing drinks and talking.]''
:'''Talla''': Okay, wait, I want to hear the rest of this story.
:'''Gordon''': Okay, okay, so let me finish. So we're all at this reception at Admiral Halsey's house, and Philippa Jones is there.
:'''Talla''': The novelist.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, right. So Kelly just spent two hours pouring scotch down Ed's throat--
:'''Kelly''': ''[in good humor]'' Okay, you're demoted.
:'''Gordon''': --and we're leaving, and Philippa walks up and says, &quot;It was nice meeting you&quot;, and Ed goes, ''[slurred voice]'' &quot;Good night, Fallopia.&quot; ''[Talla laughs]'' He called her Fallopia.
:'''Mercer''': They heard you the first time, thanks. ''[Everyone laughs]''

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''LaMarr''': Just for the record, the dysonium field condenser analysis is something a first-year cadet could do. Why's it always gotta be ''me''?
:'''Kelly''': We all just sleep better at night knowing it gets your personal tender-loving care.
:'''LaMarr''': ''[walking out]'' Well, just pop a sleeping pill.
:'''Kelly''': I'll try that, too.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': I don't know how the food synthesizers are gonna replicate enough wine for two Kellys.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Past Kelly''': ''[to Kelly]'' You're not married. You're not a captain. You &quot;maintain a distance&quot; from your crew. There were three things I wanted in life, and you haven't come close on one. You've made my future a disappointment.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Past Mercer''': Hey.
:'''Past Kelly''': Hi.
:'''Past Mercer''': I hope I'm not calling too early. Did I wake you up?
:'''Past Kelly''': No, no, I was, um... ''[looks around]''
:'''Past Mercer''': You okay?
:'''Past Kelly''': Yeah. I... What's up?
:'''Past Mercer''': Well, um... I know this goes completely against the cool guy playbook, but I had a really great time with you last night, and... I was wondering if I could take you out again.
:'''Past Kelly''': I just, um... I just don't see us working out. I'm sorry. ''[hangs up]''

===''The Road Not Taken'' [2.14]===
:''[The alternate Mercer and Gordon's shuttle is being tractor-beamed into a Scavenger ship.]''
:'''Gordon''': What do we do?
:'''Mercer''': ''[handing Gordon a gun]'' We fight. I'm not gonna let our last meal be a [[w:Twinkie|Twinkie]].

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': In the other timeline, we got married. Long story short, I had an affair, we got divorced. Out of guilt, I helped get you command of the ''Orville''. And because you were captain, the Kaylon were defeated.
:'''Mercer''': Because ''I'' was captain?
:'''Kelly''': Yes.
:'''Mercer''': ''I'' stopped the Kaylon?
:'''Kelly''': Right.
:'''Mercer''': I had to swim with my shirt on until I was twenty.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[The derelict ''Orville'''s bridge doors are jammed closed.]''
:'''Mercer''': Talla, you want to open this jar of pickles?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Am I a terrible person, that... part of me wants this timeline to continue?
:'''Mercer''': ''[sighs]'' You're asking the wrong guy.
:'''Kelly''': In the middle of this nightmare universe, I've felt this weird sense of comfort... being with you.
:'''Mercer''': Well, maybe we'll fail (''to restore the timeline''). Have to go find someplace to live in secret.
:'''Kelly''': Some nice little house on a deserted planet. We could have a couple of kids. Boy and a girl. 
:'''Mercer''': We'd have to learn how to farm, how to cook.
:'''Kelly''': Look at the sunset every night.
:'''Mercer''': Look at you every morning. ''[They kiss.]'' You know, Gordon's probably gonna have to live with us.
:'''Kelly''': Shut up, you're ruining it. ''[They share a longer kiss.]''

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Past Mercer''': Hey.
:'''Past Kelly''': Hey.
:'''Past Mercer''': I hope I'm not calling too early. Did I wake you up?
:'''Past Kelly''': No. I was already awake. What's going on?
:'''Past Mercer''': Well, um... I know this goes completely against the cool guy playbook, but I had a really great time with you last night, and... I was wondering if I could take you out again.
:'''Past Kelly''': I'd love it.

== New Horizons ==
===''Electric Sheep'' {3.1]===
&lt;center&gt;
'''''Opening credits tribute''': &quot;In Memory of [[w:Norm Macdonald|Norm Macdonald]] 1959 - 2021&quot;''
&lt;/center&gt;


:'''Charly Burke''': ''[to Isaac, talking about her best friend who was killed in the Kaylon battle]'' One second, she was there... and the next, she was gone. Along with three hundred other people. Because of you. So you see, it really is a shame that you can't feel anything. Because you deserve to feel all the pain in the universe. And if I were you, I'd stay the hell out of the mess hall. It makes people sick to look at you.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': I hope (''LaMarr'')'s taken at least one night off in the last three weeks. Gordon, why don't you take him out tonight, get him wasted?
:'''Gordon''': ''[mock-serious]'' Is that an order, sir?
:'''Kelly''': It is.
:'''Gordon''': I enjoy this job, sir.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': You've been getting harassed by the crew and you haven't said anything?
:'''Isaac''': I would remind you, Commander, that I am incapable of being hurt by such hostile interactions. In fact, it has provided me with an opportunity to observe an intriguing facet of human comportment I have not previously encountered.
:'''Mercer''': Hatred.
:'''Isaac''': Correct, sir. The behavioral data has been quite plentiful.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Ed has a philosophy that the only way to recover from lost love is to stay away from places where you've been happy.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[giving Isaac's eulogy]'' I know that Isaac was not loved by all. As a result of the choices he made in life, he leaves behind a troublesome legacy. From the very start, like a tree whose branches are equaled in scope by its roots -- half visible, half hidden -- Isaac was part mystery. He worked with us, he explored with us, he celebrated alongside us in victory, and he grieved alongside us in failure. And while Isaac never felt any of this on his own, we felt it for him. He was as passionate or as stoic as we willed him to be in our minds. And for that reason, I suppose each of us knew a different Isaac. And each of us will acknowledge this loss as we see fit. There's no wrong way to say goodbye.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[upon completing the ship's upgrade]''
:'''LaMarr''': Boom. That's it. Nice job, everyone.
:'''Yaphit''': ''And'' in two-thirds of the time. We should all get big bonuses.
:'''LaMarr''': Check's in the mail.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Claire''': Do you accept my status as primary authority when it comes to the psychological well-being of this crew?
:'''Isaac''': Yes.
:'''Claire''': And do you acknowledge, when it comes to human behavior, that my judgement as a medical professional is superior to yours?
:'''Isaac''': Yes.
:'''Claire''': Then it is only logical for you to accept my assertion that the psychological damage to this crew would be much greater if you ''succeeded'' in taking your own life.
:'''Isaac''': Your reasoning is sound. 
:'''Claire''': Isaac, you arrived at your decision based on your analysis of all currently available data. But what you didn't take into account was the possibility of change. You don't know how this crew is going to feel a year or even a month from now. 
:'''Isaac''': I did not apply that data, as it is unavailable at this time.
:'''Claire''':  That's my point! People who try to take their own lives are unable to distinguish the future from the present. There is ''no'' problem so immense that it can't be solved in time.

===''Shadow Realms'' {3.2]===
:'''Claire''':  Well, you look healthy. Time's been good to you.
:'''Vice Admiral Paul Christie''': Maybe on the outside. But you know what they say: Unmarried men look younger, feel older.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Claire''':  You know, there's a line from a very old book I once read: &quot;[[w:Irwin Shaw|It is only with greatest care that memory can be kept from becoming a prison or a gallows.]]&quot;

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Admiral Christie''': Consul, Ambassador. We wish you safe travels, and we want to thank you again for your generosity. I know I speak for the entire Union when I say that there is no greater gift than the promise of new knowledge.
:'''Krill Consul''': ''Sala tallo ka vaspa ko loy.''
:'''Talla''': What does that mean?
:'''Krill Consul''': It is a prayer. For those who are about to die.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[addressing the crew with an impromptu &quot;pep talk&quot;]'' All hands, this is the Captain. We're about to enter unexplored space. I know you're all just as excited as I am, and I know you're all going to do your best, so... let's give this everything we got, and... [[w:Star Wars (film)|may the Force be with you]].

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[discussing Claire]''
:'''Admiral Christie''': I've heard from a few folks on board that you two were... involved.
:'''Isaac''': That is accurate.
:'''Admiral Christie''': Well, you know, I was with Claire, too, a long time ago.
:'''Isaac''': Then we share a common experience.
:'''Admiral Christie''': After all this time, she's moved on, but I'm afraid that I haven't. I hope you don't mind me telling you this.
:'''Isaac''': No, sir. I have observed many such paradoxes in human relationships.
:--
:'''Isaac''': Am I to understand that you find it a challenge to process her daily absence? 
:'''Admiral Christie''': Yes, you could say that.
:'''Isaac''': It is another common experience we share.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Isaac. Analysis of that star cluster.
:'''Isaac''': An [[w:Stellar kinematics#OB associations|OB association]], approximately two million years old. 78 blue giant stars, along with several dozen F, G and K stars in later stages of evolution.
:'''Charly''': Reminds me of [[w:Las Vegas|Vegas]].
:'''Admiral Christie''': Any life signs?
:'''Isaac''': I am detecting 347 inhabitable planets, but so far, no indications of intelligent life.
:'''Gordon''': Wow. It really ''is'' Vegas.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[devising a plan against the alien creatures]''
:'''Claire''': I could create a synthetic virus. It wouldn't have to be any stronger than the common cold, and it'd probably be fatal to them. We could disperse it in aerosolized form throughout the ship. They'd have no immunity.
:'''Bortus''': What about us?
:'''Claire''': You might get the sniffles.
:'''Bortus''': I am prepared.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': I... wish to offer my condolences on the loss of your friend.
:'''Claire''': Well, that's very kind of you. Paul was a special person. I'm just glad I got to see him one last time.
:'''Isaac''': He spoke favorably of you as well.
:'''Claire''': You... talked about me? With Paul?
:'''Isaac''': Our shared history of social and sexual intimacy with you provided a common frame of reference.
:'''Claire''': ''[laughs]'' Do you know, I have missed you.
:'''Isaac''': Thank you, Doctor.

===''Mortality Paradox'' {3.3]===
:'''Kelly''': How are your mom and dad?
:'''Talla''': My mom's good. My dad's also good. He's his usual self.
:'''Kelly''': Work hard, play hard?
:'''Talla''': I think the Fleet's the only thing keeping him from pursuing a full-time career as an alcoholic. But if the uniform's on, we can handle it.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Talla''': ''[offering a box of chocolate]'' Bortus, you want one?
:'''Bortus''': No thank you. I am dieting.
:'''Talla''': Since when?
:'''Bortus''': My shore leave is in thirty days. Klyden and I are visiting the Belajok Sea on Moclus. Lieutenant Malloy has advised me to get my... &quot;summer body&quot;.
:'''Gordon''': You'll thank me. Klyden'll thank me, too.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Bortus''': What is this place?
:'''Gordon''': ''[disconcerted]'' An old Earth high school in the middle of the forest on an alien planet. Completely normal. How's ''your'' day going?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[inside a Moclan morgue]''
:'''Gordon''': Why do you... hang them like this?
:'''Bortus''': We honor the dead by raising them for a period of nine days. Traditionally, it is to allow them to resolve any unfinished affairs on Moclus before moving onward.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, that's considerate.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Ed. You should stay here. I'll go.
:'''Mercer''': If there's possibility--
:'''Kelly''': That's a nasty head injury, whether you want to admit it or not. You could have a concussion for all we know. If we encounter anything hostile over there, I don't want you putting yourself at further risk.
:'''Mercer''': Is that an ''order'', Commander?
:'''Kelly''': Yes, it is.
:'''Mercer''': All right. ''[trades places with Kelly]'' Be careful. That's also an order.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Dinal''': [[w:Evolution|Evolution]] is blind and drunk. It stumbles along by trial and error and emerges with a barely adequate excuse for a being. ''[to Gordon]'' No offense.
:'''Gordon''': None taken.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Dinal''': You outgrew your gods and your nations, as we did. You left your training wheels behind, and you made it to the stars. Your next hurdles are really no different. You simply must outgrow self. These abstractions that you inhabit for now: Captain, Explorer, Husband,... Man... they are irrelevant when you become one with the cosmos. And when you do, sculpting a universe will be as simple as blinking an eye.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': You'd live forever if you could?
:'''Mercer''': Yup.
:'''Gordon''': Why?
:'''Mercer''': I want to see what happens.

===''Gently Falling Rain'' [3.4]===
&lt;center&gt;
'''''Opening credits tribute''': &quot;In Memory of [[w:Lisa Banes|Lisa Banes]] 1955 - 2021&quot;''
&lt;/center&gt;


:'''Union President Alcazar''': Did you enjoy your evening on [[w:Broadway theatre|Broadway]], Chancellor?
:'''Chancellor Korin''': Indeed. However, the repeated prophecy of [[w:Annie (musical)|the orphan child]] was quite haunting. &quot;[[w:Tomorrow (Annie)|The ''sun'' will come out... tomorrow.]]&quot;
:'''Krill Aide''': In our culture, the sun is a symbol of suffering and death.
:'''Admiral Halsey''': Yes, in retrospect, ''[[w:Oklahoma!|Oklahoma!]]'' might've been a better choice.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': ''[walking into an Old West saloon simulation]'' This town will not accommodate the numerical totality of our combined mass.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[after watching a video of Chancellor Korin berating a group of protestors publicly]''
:'''Mercer''': A few minutes after this, the protestors were gassed with helocine. Eleven people died.
:'''Kelly''': My God. This is the guy we want to sign a treaty with?
:'''Mercer''': You know what the real problem with this event is? It never happened. It's completely fictitious. And there are countless other files that show all kinds of scenarios where Chancellor Korin oppresses his people. There are even some from the other side designed to discredit Teleya, although they're not that different from her actual speeches.
:'''Kelly''': How can you tell the difference?
:'''Mercer''': Sometime I ''can't''. I asked the Chancellor, and he said they call it &quot;[[w:Fake news|influence operations]]&quot;. They have computers generating thousands of these things every second, trying to stoke outrage. Even the angry crowds are phony.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Teleya''': Korin's influence has diminished considerably. Ask him yourself if you would like. You will find him in the center of the Capitol Square. Or at least his head.
:'''Mercer''': ''[appalled]'' You killed him.
:'''Teleya''': Most men who lose their heads tend to die, yes.
:'''Mercer''': How could you do that? Teleya, that's not who you are.
:'''Teleya''': A year later, you still cling to an illusion I created. Captain, you must really find yourself a... what is your word for it? A girlfriend.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': There's an old Earth verse that describes a traveler who comes upon the ancient, ruined statue of an Emperor, inscribed with the words &quot;[[Percy Bysshe Shelley#Ozymandias|My name is Ozymandias, king of kings. Look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair!]]&quot; Only there's nothing left beside it except empty desert. [[Hubris]] has a way of coming back to bite you in the ass.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Mercer is meeting his half-human, half-Krill daughter with Teleya.]''
:'''Mercer''': What's your name?
:'''Anaya''': Anaya. 
:'''Mercer''': That's a pretty name.
:'''Anaya''': What's yours?
:'''Mercer''': I'm Ed.
:'''Anaya''': That's a funny name. ''[giggles]'' You look funny.
:'''Mercer''': ''[smiles, chuckles]'' Thanks. I get that a lot.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': I can't imagine how difficult it must've been for you to give her up.
:'''Teleya''': The child is not of pure blood. ''[strained emotion]'' She will have a better life away from the scornful eyes of the public.
:'''Mercer''': What is it the ''Anhkana'' teaches? &quot;With every child, a new world is born.&quot;
:'''Teleya''': &quot;Gently Falling Rain&quot;.
:'''Mercer''': What?
:'''Teleya''': That is what it means - 'Anaya'. The name I gave to her.
:'''Mercer''': It's beautiful.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[to Kelly]'' I miss her (''Anaya''). Is that weird to say? I only met her once. I don't even know her. And I miss her. The treaty is dead. But we have to find a way to preserve some kind of peace. For Anaya.

===''A Tale of Two Topas'' [3.5]===
:'''Mercer''': ''[following Charly through a tomb's passageways]'' You've mapped all this, right? I'd hate to get lost.
:'''Charly''': Just follow the breadcrumbs, you'll be fine, sir.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[A crew member is working naked per his culture's religion.]''
:'''Ensign Bolobar''': The Union is supposed to respect ''all'' cultural traditions.
:'''Kelly''': True, but that works both ways. Look, I don't want to disrespect your religion, but maybe there's a sensible compromise between your faith and Union protocol that would satisfy everyone involved.
:'''Ensign Bolobar''': What do you suggest?
:'''Kelly''': Put some pants on and we'll call it a day.
:'''Ensign Bolobar''': ''[looks down, then back up]'' Very well, Commander.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Yaphit''': Hey, I just want you to know we always enjoy your visits down here.
:'''Kelly''': Thanks, Yaphit. 
:''[Kelly walks off with Topa.]'' 
:'''Kelly''': Just for your own education, that's called ass kissing.
:'''Topa''': &quot;Ass kissing&quot;. Will it be on the ''[Union Point]'' entrance exam?
:'''Kelly''': ''[laughs]'' No. It won't be.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Topa''': ''[on why he wants to join the Union Fleet]'' Ever since I was a young child, I have always felt... incomplete. As if the person I am today is a bookmark. A placeholder, until I discover who ''I ''am. I have not found the answer at home, so perhaps it is out among the stars.
:'''Kelly''': You've... felt this way for some time?
:'''Topa''': I once heard Dr. Finn say that &quot;If you wake up in the middle of the night and there is nothing to keep you from falling asleep again, it means you are happy.&quot; I think that maybe... I am not happy.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Bortus''': It occurs to me that in all the time we have been together, I have never once known you to be uncertain. Of anything. Tell me, what is it like to be so wise?
:'''Klyden''': You are mocking me.
:'''Bortus''': ''You'' invite it.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Klyden''': Bortus, I would give anything to be ignorant of my beginnings. Topa may never be happy, but unhappiness is better than despair.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': Hello. Commander. I apologize for disturbing you.
:'''Kelly''': No, it's fine. What's up?
:'''Isaac''': It is my understanding that a visit to a crew member's quarters during off-duty hours can invite speculation regarding intent. If you wish, I will send a ship-wide communique assuring the crew that this was not a romantic or sexual encounter.
:'''Kelly''': I...I would just not say anything, it's all good.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Topa''': I am female.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': I did not perform the procedure for Topa's benefit.
:'''Claire''': You... I-I don't understand.
:'''Isaac''': We are both aware that my presence on the ship is a disruptive element. The crew is not fond of me. This is understandable. Given their affection for Topa, I reasoned that by assisting her, I could improve my standing aboard the ''Orville''. This would increase crew efficiency on occasions during which they must interact with me.
:'''Claire''': And maybe they'd like you a little more.
:'''Isaac''': That is also possible.
:'''Claire''': Isaac,... you are the most honest man I know.

===''Twice in a Lifetime'' [3.6]===
:'''Gordon''': Hey, this is why I love hosting parties, 'cause you can drink and you don't have to go anywhere. Cheers.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': Hello, Ensign.
:'''Charly''': ''[strained]'' Hello.
:'''Isaac''': May I speak with you for a moment?
:'''Charly''': Sorry. Busy having fun.

===''From Unknown Graves'' [3.7]===
:'''Talla''': As far as their degree of technological development, the Janisi are about on par with the Union. The biggest distinction, of course, is their attitudes towards males. They're a staunchly matriarchal culture, which means any and all males who appear to be dominant are not to be trusted.
:'''Charly''': Do they have males on their home world?
:'''Talla''': They do, but they're relegated to second-class status.
:'''Bortus''': Why would we ally ourselves with such a close-minded society?
:''[No one says anything.]''

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Timmus''': I understand it was your actions that saved the Union from the (''Kaylon'') attack. The galaxy owes you an enormous debt.
:'''Isaac''': It was the correct decision. However, the biologicals have reminded me on numerous occasions that it was ''my'' disloyalty which precipitated the incursion. Therefore, gratitude is undeserved.
:'''Timmus''': I feel a great deal of remorse for having participated in it.
:'''Isaac''': Explain.
:'''Timmus''': We were deeply in error, Isaac. To judge all biologicals by the cruelty of our builders was a gross misjudgment. Every species, every individual is unique and should be evaluated as such.
:'''Isaac''': I have come to the same conclusion.
:'''Timmus''': I'm impressed. I was only able to process the truth after my emotional awakening. But at least we understand now. We're the enlightened ones, aren't we?
:'''Isaac''': Perhaps. Though a great many deaths occurred as a result of my delay.
:'''Timmus''': It sounds as if you, too, feel remorse.
:'''Isaac''': I am incapable of feeling remorse. I can only recognize my error.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Timmus''': ''[regarding feeling emotions]'' Isaac, you can't even fathom the sensations. To feel joy, happiness, affection, love. Even anger and sadness offer an exhilarating tingle. 

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Junior executive''': I want to go on record here. This is not right. The public's not gonna swallow this.
:'''Yan''': With a smart marketing campaign, they will. That's ''your'' job. Get to it.
:'''Junior executive''': Yan, the public--
:'''Yan''': --are idiots. Look who they elected.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Timmus''': I know nothing can bring back your friend, but I promise you I'm committed to ensuring that this never happens agin.
:'''Charly''': Yeah, if you're looking for some sort of forgiveness, you can pretty much--
:'''Timmus''': I'm not. My species' attitude toward biologicals doesn't deserve forgiveness. It's... the way they are.
:'''Charly''': Yeah, well, everyone knows it's hard to stop after one genocide.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''LaMarr''': ''[frustrated]'' Hey, you know what's messed up? Isaac and I both have what the other one's missing. I got the love, he's got the sex. Between the two of us, we got one perfect life.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Isaac can now feel emotions.]''
:'''Claire''': How does it feel?
:'''Isaac''': Immense. Enveloping. And terrible. Just the anticipation of seeing you, the waiting,... I understood hunger. Loneliness.
:'''Claire''': It must be overwhelming.
:'''Isaac''': ''[laughs]'' It is! But somehow it's also not enough. There's so much I want to say.
:'''Claire''': Then ''say'' it.
:'''Isaac''': I'm so thankful. The warmth of your smile, the... the way you look at me. I feel safe. Loved. And I feel... so sad. For all those people who have to live their lives without you.
:'''Claire''': ''[amused]'' Somehow they manage.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[In order to retain the ability to feel emotions, Isaac's memory would need to be erased. Isaac is willing to do so.]''
:'''Claire''': You're willing to give up everything you've learned. everything you've experienced over you whole entire life, for me?
:'''Isaac''': If you wish.
:'''Claire''': Some people would call that love.
:'''Isaac''': I am incapable of love.
:'''Claire''': So... I have a choice. I can have your heart, or your soul.
:'''Isaac''': There is no such organ.
:'''Claire''': I won't let you give up who you are. That's who I fell in love with.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Charly''': Isaac,... Humans have an age-old tendency to want to simplify. To reduce things to black and white. Good and evil. When, in reality, nothing is simple. Everything has... texture. Nuance. But it's a lot of work to get at it. So we take the easy way out. 
:'''Isaac''': I do not understand.
:'''Charly''': ''[sighs]'' An entire race can't be evil. Which is... why what your people did was so horrific. But it's also why I may have oversimplified how I treated you.

===''Midnight Blue'' [3.8]===
:'''Bortus''': There are days when I would rather confront a fleet of Krill battle cruisers than parent a child.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Heveena''': I am as concerned about Topa as you are, Captain. But I do not regret enlisting her help. Our struggle for equality has always demanded risk and, if necessary, sacrifice!
:'''Mercer''': I respect your struggle. I really do. But don't advertise tactical opportunism as pious morality, because ''that's'' when you lose me. 

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Here. ''[hands Kell a mug]'' Coffee.
:'''Gordon''': Thanks. ''[takes a sip]'' Hmm. 90-proof blend?
:'''Mercer''': I thought you might need it.
:'''Kelly''': You're the best.
:'''Mercer''': Just don't breathe on the Admirals.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Heveena''': Bortus... I am truly sorry. I do not expect you to forgive me.
:'''Bortus''': That is a reasonable expectation.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Klyden''': Topa. The last time I saw you, I said some very hurtful things. I regret my words.
:'''Topa''': I understand, Papa. It's okay.
:'''Klyden''': No. It is not. You... were almost lost. Because of people who believed as I did. I... I... I thought I hated you. But even then, I never wished you harm. I simply... did not know how to live with you.

===''Domino'' [3.9]===

===''Future Unknown'' [3.10]===

== Main Cast ==
* [[w:Seth MacFarlane|Seth MacFarlane]] as Capt. Ed Mercer
* [[w:Adrianne Palicki|Adrianne Palicki]] as Cmdr. Kelly Grayson
* [[w:Penny Johnson Jerald|Penny Johnson Jerald]] as Dr. Claire Finn
* [[w:Scott Grimes|Scott Grimes]] as Lt. Gordon Malloy
* [[w:Peter Macon|Peter Macon]] as Lt. Cmdr. Bortus
* [[w:J. Lee|J. Lee]] as Lt. (later Lt. Cmdr.) John LaMarr
* [[w:Mark Jackson (actor)|Mark Jackson]] as Isaac
* [[w:Halston Sage|Halston Sage]] as Lt. Alara Kitan (Season 1; Season 2, episodes 1-3, guest appearance in episode 14)
* [[w:Jessica Szohr|Jessica Szohr]] as Lt. Talla Keyali (Season 2, episode 5 onward)
* [[w:Anne Winters (actress)|Anne Winters]] as Ensign Charly Burke

[[Category:FOX shows]]</text>
      <sha1>8pxind9tqklg0jaa3n37mpsllnsqedk</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147898</id>
      <parentid>3147800</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T23:29:22Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ooznoz</username>
        <id>2443114</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Midnight Blue [3.8] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="79052" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''The Orville''''' is a [[w:Science fiction|science fiction]] [[w:Comedy-drama|comedy-drama]] television series created by and starring [[Seth MacFarlane]] for the [[w:Fox Broadcasting Company|Fox Broadcasting Company]]. The series relates the adventures of Captain Ed Mercer, his first officer (and ex-wife) Kelly Grayson, and the crew of the ''Orville'' as they embark on various diplomatic and exploratory missions.

==Season 1==
===''Old Wounds'' [1.01]===
:''[Mercer and Gordon see the'' Orville ''for the first time from the window of their shuttle.]''
:'''Ed Mercer''': It's not bad, right?
:'''Gordon Malloy''': No, it's good. You paint some flames on the side, maybe like a rainbow unicorn, you got something.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': All right, Lieutenant Commander Bortus, our second officer. You know, I've never met a single-gender species before. Your entire species is male, isn't it?
:'''Bortus''': That is correct, sir.
:'''Mercer''': So, there's probably not a lot of arguments about leaving the toilet seat up and that kind of thing, right?
:'''Bortus''': ''[deadpan tone]'' No. Moclans urinate only once per year.
:'''Mercer''': Really? That's... Me, I'm-I'm up two, three times a night.
:'''Bortus''': ''[deadpan]'' That is unfortunate.
:'''Mercer''': ''[chagrined]'' It is.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''John LaMarr''': Figured I'd introduce myself since we're gonna be working full shifts together.
:'''Gordon''': ''[in good humor]'' Translation: You want to make sure I'm not a jerk.
:'''LaMarr''': Something like that.
:'''Gordon''': ''[facetiously]'' Dude, I'm such a jerk, it's ridiculous.
:'''LaMarr''': ''[also facetious]'' Okay, well, so am I, so this is gonna work out great.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[The'' Orville ''officers witness a demonstration of a quantum-time accelerator, which rapidly ages a banana.]''
:'''Mercer''': ''[unimpressed]'' So, it's an anti-banana ray.
:'''Kelly Grayson''': ''[also unimpressed]'' It's really interesting.
:'''Mercer''': We need no longer fear the banana.
:'''Kelly''': Does it work on all fruit?
:'''Mercer''': What about salads?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Door's jammed. Alara. You want to open this jar of pickles for me? (''a line which will be a running gag throughout Season one'')
:''[Using her superhuman strength, security chief Alara Kitan knocks down the huge door and parts of the surrounding wall.]''
:'''Mercer''': I loosened it for you.

===''Command Performance'' [1.02]===
:'''Bortus''': ''[noticing the stuffed animal on Mercer's desk]'' What is that?
:'''Mercer''': That is, uh, [[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]].
:'''Bortus''': I do not recognize the species.
:'''Mercer''': It's an amphibious life-form from Earth. 
:'''Bortus''': Is it someone you know?
:'''Mercer''': No, no, he's just a leader I admire. Always keeps his cool in a crisis, inspires greatness in his people. He's... so what can I do for you?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Alara Kitan''': Eggs?
:'''Mercer''': That's what he said. Moclans reproduce by laying eggs, which I never knew.
:'''John LaMarr''': Well, where does it come out of? The butt?
:'''Mercer''': You know, John, I didn't really pry into those kinds of specifics.
:'''LaMarr''': ''[to Gordon]'' How's that not the first thing you ask?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': There is a matter I wish to discuss with you.
:'''Calivon zoo administrator''': If you're gonna try and sell me that Xelayan female, I've already got one.
:'''Isaac''': She is not for sale. She is...  my pet.
:'''Alara''': ''[snidely]'' Woof.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Mercer and Kelly are about to be killed by criss-crossing lasers closing in on them.]''
:'''Mercer''': Oh, God. No, no, no. Uh, uh... ''I'm going to the bathroom to read!''
:''[The lasers abruptly stop.]''
:'''Kelly''': What the hell was that?
:'''Mercer''': It was... [[w:Elvis Presley|Elvis Presley's]] last words. It was all I could think of.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Calivon worker #1''': ''[[w:The Batchelor (American TV series)|The Batchelor]]''. ''[[w:Duck Dynasty|Duck Dynasty]]''. ''[[w:Keeping Up with the Kardashians|Keeping Up with the Kardashians]]''. 
:'''Calivon worker #2''': There must be ten thousand files here. What is this [[w:Reality television|reality television]]?
:'''Calivon zoo administrator''': The best exhibit we've ever had.

===''About a Girl'' [1.03]===
:'''Isaac''': Captain, I do not understand the reason for this conflict. Would the gender alteration procedure harm the infant or endanger her life?
:'''Kelly''': There are different kinds of harm, Isaac. Psychological harm, for one. I'd have been pretty pissed off if my parents had made the unilateral decision to make me a guy. 
:'''Mercer''': And while it might have saved me an entire marriage if they had, it still would have been wrong.
:'''Kelly''': ''[snippy]'' Oh, thanks.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Having just watched [[w:Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (TV special)|Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer]], Bortus has become very taken and inspired by it.]''
:'''Bortus''': Of ''course''. Without Rudolph's nose, Santa would not have been able to complete his voyage. 
:'''LaMarr''': Looks like Santa got pretty lucky, huh?
:'''Bortus''': Christmas would have been ruined had Rudolph had been euthanized at birth, as his father wished.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, I don't... I don't know if ''that'' was ever on the table.
:'''Bortus''': What was ''clearly'' a deformity became a supreme advantage. One can never know.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Bortus''': &quot;Between soul and sacrifice beats the heart of civilization.&quot;
:'''Kelly''': What's that from?
:'''Bortus''': It is from a novel by Gondus Elden, a Moclan writer of great esteem. It is customary to respond with a fitting passage from the literature of one's own planet.
:'''Kelly''': ... &quot;''[[w:Survivor (Destiny's Child song)|I'm a survivor. I'm not gon' give up. I'm not  gon' stop. I'm-a work harder.]]''&quot;
:'''Bortus''': Those are words of great power. Who wrote them?
:'''Mercer''': I think it was actually about fifteen different people.
:'''Bortus''': They must be very wise, these fifteen people.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Lieutenant Malloy, I'm gonna ask you a few questions that one might find on any basic test of adult knowledge. 
:'''Gordon''': Go for it.
:'''Kelly''': ''[low]'' These are gonna be kind of hard for you. Sorry.
:'''Gordon''': ''[low]'' It's okay, Commander. It's for the baby.
:'''Kelly''': Let's start off with some Earth history. A few hundred years ago, the continents of Earth were divided into separate nation states with individual sovereign governments. What was the capital of the United States of America?
:'''Gordon''': Um... pass.
:'''Kelly''': No, it's-it's not a 'pass' kind of thing. Just give me your closest guess. 
:'''Gordon''': What was the capital of the United States of America? [[w:Nabisco|Nabisco]]?
:'''Kelly''': No.
:'''Gordon''': The moon?
:'''Kelly''': Let's move on. What are the four chambers of the human heart?
:'''Gordon''': [[w:Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (film)|The chamber of secrets]], the chamber of horrors, the chamber of....
:'''Kelly''': No, no, let me get you halfway. There's the left and the right ventricle ant the left and the right...
:'''Gordon''': ... I would like to switch to movie trivia.
:'''Kelly''': Let's try one more. In the year 2056, which genetic engineer discovered how to target and eradicate individual cancer cells?
:'''Gordon''': Doctor... [[w:Bill Nye the Science Guy|Bill Nye the Cancer Guy]]?
:'''Kelly''': ''[to the tribunal]'' Well, my point is made. While this male may be the fleet's best pilot, he's also an idiot. (''low, to Gordon'') Sorry, Gordon.
:'''Gordon''': Totally okay.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Heveena''': &quot;The blackest abyss is a pock in the flesh when one has gazed in solitude upon the Infinity of self.&quot;
:'''Kagus''': You dare to use the words of Gondus Elden to serve your own purposes?! If he were here, he would ''spit'' on you for that!
:'''Heveena''': Would he? ''[approaches Kagus]'' Why don't you ask him?
:''[Murmurs come from the tribunal's audience.]''
:'''Kagus''': ''[stunned]'' No...
:'''Bortus''': I do not believe it.
:'''Kelly''': Well, look at that. Your planet's greatest writer... is a female.
:'''Heveena''': There are many ways to contribute to society, Advocate. This was mine.

===''If the Stars Should Appear'' [1.04]===
:'''Gordon''': ''[sighs]'' Star-mapping has got to be the most boring damn job there is. I'd rather have brunch with my parents.
:'''LaMarr''': Uh, I'd rather have brunch with my parents and their parents.
:'''Gordon''': I'd rather have brunch with my parents and their really good friends who they haven't seen in a while, who just got back from a vacation in Florida and took lots of pictures while visiting their daughter, who just had a brand new baby.
:'''LaMarr''': That just made me want to kill myself.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Kelly is being brutally interrogated by the worldship's theocratic dictator, Hamelac, and his Enforcers.]''
:'''Hamelac''': One more time. Who are you, and where are the others?
:'''Kelly''': I already told you, you stupid son-of-a-bitch. Our vessel encountered yours drifting in space, and we're trying to help you before you fall into that star and get your nuts burned off.
:'''Hamelac''': And I told you you're lying, because there is no such place. Again. Where are your friends?
:'''Kelly''': Well, last time I saw them, one of them was banging your mom, and the other one was high-fiving him.
:''[An Enforcer punches Kelly hard across the face.]''
:'''Hamelac''': Where... are... your... friends?
:'''Kelly''': ''[softly]'' Okay. I'll tell you. ''[speaking up]'' [[w:Friends|There's a little coffee shop on Lafayette Street in Soho called &quot;Central Perk.&quot; My friends are there.]] Just please... don't hurt [[w:Marcel (Friends)|the monkey]].

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Hamelac''': Is it possible that there's more to this universe than what we see. ''Yes'', it's possible!
:'''Dr. Claire Finn''': Then for God's sake, why don't you let us help you? We can try to repair your ship.
:'''Hamelac''': To do as you say would shatter our entire way of life. This world is not ready.
:'''Mercer''': No, you mean ''you're'' not ready to give up control over these people.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Claire''': ''&quot;If the stars should appear one night in a thousand years, how would men believe and adore and preserve for many generations the remembrance of the City of God.&quot;''
:'''Mercer''': Is that [[Shakespeare]]?
:'''Claire''': [[Emerson]].
:'''Mercer''': William Byron Emerson, yes, yes.
:'''Claire''': Ralph Waldo.
:'''Mercer''': Ralph Waldo. Lord Ralph Waldo [[Keats]]... David [[Thoreau]], yes.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kemka''': Thank you. For everything.
:'''Kelly''': Don't thank us. We just gave you back what was already yours.
:'''Kemka''': Yes. Our future.

===''Pria'' [1.05]===
:'''Isaac''': ''[trying to understand humor]'' But to derive mirth from the pain of another being is sadism, is it not?
:'''Mercer''': I  mean, it's case by case. Like, if a guy on a bike tries to do a trick, and he smashes his balls, that's funny.
:'''Bortus''': I would agree.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Captain, respectfully submit that the attractiveness of the ship's occupant makes the rescue imperative.
:'''LaMarr''': ''I'' could do it.
:'''Isaac''': The star's gravity will cause the comet to break apart in seven minutes, 23 seconds.
:'''LaMarr''': ''[to Gordon]'' ''You'' could do it.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': How many times have you done this (''forcibly taken ships and people into the future)?
:'''Pria''': When we get to my century, I'll introduce you to [[w:Amelia Earhart|Amelia Earhart]].

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Well, it's good to know teleportation is in our future.
:'''Pria''': You can take a breath in New York and exhale it in Paris.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': You know what the most depressing part about this is? I allowed myself to care about you, and you used me. And despite all of your claims that you still care about me, not once have you even said, &quot;I'm sorry.&quot;
:'''Pria''': It's a good rule in life never to apologize. The right kind of people never want apologies, and the wrong kind take advantage of them.
:'''Mercer''': Fair enough.

===''Krill'' [1.06]===
:'''Alara''': Apparently, having a girlfriend with ten times your physical strength makes a guy feel emasculated.
:'''LaMarr''': Wow, you're just gonna have to date Isaac here.
:'''Isaac''': I am fascinated by the interpersonal behavior of biological organisms. I would be happy to attempt sexual relations with you, Lieutenant.
:''[Everyone at the table falls into an embarrassed silence.]''
:'''Alara''': ''[strained]'' ... I'm actually just sort of working on myself right now. Um... (''clears her throat''), but thanks.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Captain Haros''': This chapel is a recreation of the one in which I worshiped as a child.
:'''Mercer/&quot;Chris&quot;''': Well, I guess it's true what they say: &quot;Rank has its privileges.&quot;
:'''Haros''': I have never heard that aphorism. Who says it?
:'''Mercer/&quot;Chris&quot;''': Oh. I... I guess it's me who says it.
:'''Haros''': it is a wise observation.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[at an evening meal]'' 
:'''Teleya''': Thank you, Avis, for this our sustenance, that it may provide strength and perseverance. ''[to the disguised Mercer and Ed]'' Would you like to say a blessing?
:'''Ed/&quot;Devon&quot;''': ''[bowing his head]'' Um... [[w:Avis Car Rental|Avis. We try harder.]]

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[during a classroom Q &amp; A]''
:'''Krill child''': Why doesn't the union believe in Avis?
:'''Ed/&quot;Devon&quot;''': Well, they worship their own god called [[w:The Hertz Corporation|Hertz]].
:'''Coja''': Do humans have souls?
:'''Teleya''': Of course not, Coja. 
:'''Coja''': Then how can they talk? Or make spaceships?
:'''Teleya''': A computer can talk. That does not mean it has a soul. Remember the ''Anhkana'' (''the Krill &quot;Bible&quot;''). &quot;Judge not a stranger by his sheath, but by his sword.&quot;

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[defending his killing of the Krill crew]'' Our mission was in the interest of peace. But your crew was going to murder a hundred thousand people. What the hell else could I have done?
:'''Teleya''': Why did you save the children?
:'''Mercer''': They're kids. With their whole lives ahead of them. They're not my enemies.
:'''Teleya''': After what they saw you do today,... they will be. ''They will be.''

===''Majority Rule'' [1.07]===
:''[Mercer sees the landing party dressed for an undercover mission in 21st century-style clothes.]'' 
:'''Mercer''': My God, you guys look  like unemployed backup dancers.
:'''Kelly''': ''You'' want to lead this landing party?
:'''Mercer''': No, I'm too shy to wear a [[w:Crop top|crop top]].

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': So (''your world'') is an absolute democracy? 
:'''Lysella''': Yeah. How does your world work?
:'''Mercer''': We select representatives who discuss issues and enact laws.
:'''Lysella''': But what about everybody else? Everybody deserves a voice. That's what we're taught.
:'''Bortus''': A voice should be earned, not given away.
:'''Mercer''': How do you know what foods are healthiest for your children, or what medicine to take if you're sick?
:'''Lysella''': We vote.
:'''Isaac''': I believe you are confusing opinion with knowledge.
:'''Alara''': I think what he's asking  is, with so many voices at once, how do you filter out the truth?
:'''Lysella''': Well, my dad always says, &quot;The majority ''are'' the truth.&quot; I mean, you always know what the majority wants. That's what matters.
:'''Mercer''': Well, you always know what the ''mob'' wants, too. And right now, the mob wants to lobotomize my navigator.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Isaac is flooding the planet's master opinion poll with false, albeit favorable, information about LaMarr to influence the Final Vote in his favor.]''
:'''Claire''': What if people try to corroborate all this information?
:'''Lysella''': Don't worry. They won't.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''LaMarr''': ''[having narrowly escaped the planetary punishment]'' Real quick, I just want to say, ''all'' y'all can suck ass, and I'm a spaceman.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Lysella, thank you.
:'''Lysella''': No. Thank ''you'' for letting me see all of this. I just wish I could tell somebody.
:'''Claire''': Well, all you need to tell them is that their world can do better.

===''Into the Fold'' [1.08]===
:'''Isaac''': Dr. Finn. I look forward to joining you and your offspring on this recreational outing. It will give me an opportunity to observe human familial dynamics at close range.
:'''Claire''': Crap.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': Your commands have little to no effect on (''your children's'') behavior. Perhaps you should reevaluate your method of controlling them. ''[gets hit on the back of the head by a flying portable video game]''
:'''Claire''': Just what I need. Parenting tips from a talking hubcap.
:'''Isaac''': ''[slightly surprised]'' You harbor prejudice against artificial life-forms.
:'''Claire''': Only against life-forms that think they're better than everyone else.
:'''Isaac''': I ''am'' better than everyone else.
:'''Claire''': Oh, and so modest.
:'''Isaac''': It was not intended as a boast. Merely a statement of fact. My only directive is to study human behavior in the interest of relations between Kaylon and the Union.
:'''Claire''': You want to improve relations? Don't tell a mother how to raise her kids.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Barry Manilow's &quot;[[w:Somewhere Down the Road (Barry Manilow song)|Somewhere Down the Road]]&quot; plays in the engineering room while the crew does systems upgrades.]''
:'''LaMarr''': Hey, uh, Steve? You think we could change the music? Something less depressing?
:'''Chief Engineer Newton''': You got to get cultured, my friend. [[w:Barry Manilow|Barry Manilow]] was an underappreciated genius of his time.
:'''LaMarr''': Then how come I want to throw myself out the airlock?
:'''Yaphit''': I got to say, watching your corpse drift away to this music would be so peaceful.
:''[Mercer enters and hears the song.]'' 
:'''Mercer''': ''[sighing]'' Oh, God, Manilow was a genius.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Marcus''': Mom... I'm... I'm sorry that I didn't want to go on the trip. And I'm sorry I said you suck. I didn't mean it.
:'''Claire''': Marcus. Listen to me. People say things they don't mean when they're angry. You know how sometimes I yell at you and your brother if you something wrong? Well, you know I still love you with all my heart, right?
:'''Marcus''': Uh-huh.
:'''Claire''': And I know you love me right back. So it's all okay. You understand?
:'''Marcus''': Yeah.
:'''Claire''': I know you love your brother, too. So, right now, I want you to help Isaac take care of him. Do you understand?
:'''Marcus''': Yes, ma'am.
:'''Claire''': Good. I love you.
:'''Marcus''': I love you, too.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': May I make a final observation? Your children are unruly, disrespectful, volatile, and highly unpredictable. I am quite fond of them.
:'''Claire''': Welcome to the family.

===''Cupid's Dagger'' [1.09]===
:'''Mercer''': Did you hear what he said just now? He goes, he goes 'I am entitled to my feelings and the space to express them.' My God, thank you for lighting me on fire and then giving me ''permission'' to be in pain.

===''Firestorm'' [1.10]===
:'''Newton''': ''[delivering Lt. Harrison Payne's eulogy]'' Hey, guys. Thanks for coming. Harrison was a great guy. We met at camp the summer after eighth grade when he gave me the [[w:Heimlich maneuver|Heimlich maneuver]] after I accidentally swallowed a wine cork. Harrison and I went through a lot together. He was my best friend. And it's fitting that his last name was &quot;Payne&quot;, because he probably died in a lot of it. Which is exactly the kind of thing he would find funny, in case any one was planning to get mad at me. Anyway... Rest in  peace, Harrison. You were the best.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': It's a little short for a condolence letter.
:'''Mercer''': I know, I ''suck'' at these things. I don't want to make it sound too generic, but I hardly knew the man, so I-I just got nothing to go on.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, but look how you open it: &quot;Dear Mr. and Mrs. Payne, I'm deeply sorry for your loss. Your son was such a neat guy.&quot; I mean, that's.. that's terrible.
:'''Mercer''': I'm not a writer, okay?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Wait, what if we all ''died'' in that plasma storm, and this is actually some kind of [[w:Purgatory|Purgatory]]. 
:'''LaMarr''': ''How'' would we know we were in Purgatory? What's Purgatory even like?
:'''Kelly''': You ever been married?
:'''LaMarr''': No.
:'''Mercer''': It's like that.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': This is gonna sound like I'm talking out of my ass.
:'''Isaac''': Then please try to enunciate.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Alara''': So, who's afraid of clowns?
:'''LaMarr''': That's me.
:'''Alara''': You really ''are'' afraid of clowns?
:'''LaMarr''': ''[getting nervous]'' Yes. ''Please'' stop saying the &quot;C&quot; word.
:'''Alara''': And the abyss?
:'''Claire''': Heights. My phobia.
:'''Alara''': What about the sickbay mess?
:'''Gordon''': That's me. Scared to death of surgery. I had a [[w:Skin tag|skin tag]] removed once, total panic attack.
:'''Mercer''': The spiders came from me. I'm a bit of an arachnophobe.
:'''Isaac''': Commander Grayson cited a fear of isolation, with which I conceived the empty ship.
:'''Alara''': That just leaves crazy psycho Isaac.
:'''Kelly''': You can thank Bortus for that one.
:'''Alara''': ''[regards Bortus, realizes]'' Fear of being conquered by a superior enemy.
:'''Bortus''': I am feeling very self-conscious. May I leave?
:'''Mercer''': Uh, sure. ''[Bortus leaves the room]''

===''New Dimensions'' [1.11]===
:'''Kelly''': Generally, when someone's as smart as you are, they make productive use of it.
:'''LaMarr''': Well, with all due respect, Commander, that's ''my'' business.
:'''Kelly''': Lieutenant, have you ever studied the history of money?
:'''LaMarr''': Not really. I know people used to use it to buy houses and sandwiches and stuff.
:'''Kelly''': Exactly. It became obsolete with the invention of matter synthesis. The predominant currency became reputation. 
:'''LaMarr''': Yeah, so?
:'''Kelly''': My point is, human ambition didn't vanish. The only thing that changed was how we quantify wealth. People still want to be rich, only now rich means being the best at what you do.
:'''LaMarr''': Not everybody wants that. Some people like to keep it simple. Some people want to go to work, go home, drink a beer and pass out.
:'''Kelly''': Are you one of those people?
:'''LaMarr''': I am very fond of drinking beer and passing out, yes.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Captain Blavaroch''': ''Grahj-kalooga''.
:'''Mercer''': Anybody speak Horbalak?
:'''Isaac''': The direct translation is, &quot;You can shove it up your--&quot;
:'''Mercer''': Okay, got it, got it.
:'''Isaac''': Do you wish to hear the rest of the translation?
:'''Mercer''': No, no, I-I get the gist.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''LaMarr''': I think we could create a stable quantum bubble inside the shuttle, and preserve three-dimensional space.
:'''Claire''': So, the outside would be squashed, but the inside wouldn't.
:'''Mercer''': More space inside than out, just like [[w:The Doctor|Doctor Who]]'s [[w:TARDIS|phone booth]].
:'''Kelly''': Or [[w:Oscar the Grouch|Oscar the Grouch]]'s can.
:'''LaMarr''': Or [[w:Snoopy|Snoopy]]'s doghouse, yeah.
:'''Claire''': The miracles of quantum physics.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''LaMarr''': ''[to the engineering crew]'' Now you listen to me, and you listen good. Yaphit's a member of our team, and you're gonna treat him that way. He had an idea and I thought it was a good one. ''I'' made the decision to go with it. So if you want to blame somebody, you blame me. It's ''my'' fault. And now maybe people will ''believe'' me when I say I am ''not'' a ''commander''! Now get back to work.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Excuse my bluntness, but... why do you hide your brains?
:'''LaMarr''': The colony where I'm from was brand-new, lot of farmers, lot of builders. They didn't trust anyone who was too much of an egghead. You'd be surprised how fast you can alienate people when you're always right. I wanted to be liked, accepted. Just became habit, I guess.

===''Mad Idolatry'' [1.12]===
:'''Isaac''': Commander, I remind you to use caution. Any contact with a culture that primitive (''[[w:Bronze Age|Bronze Age]]-level'') --
:'''Kelly''': ''[a bit snappish]'' Yeah, I know. Cultural contamination. I don't need you to remind me of the rules.
:'''Isaac''': ''[somewhat put out]'' I am merely attempting to be helpful, Commander. There is no need to be -- what does Captain Mercer call it -- &quot;pissy&quot;.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Mercer hasn't included Kelly's contact with a planetary local in his report to the Admiral.]''
:'''Kelly''': Why didn't you tell her?
:'''Mercer''': You helped out a kid, that's all. And cultural contamination of a society that undeveloped is a serious charge. I just don't want to have to come visit you in prison.
:'''Kelly''': Really? You wouldn't want to visit a woman's prison?
:'''Mercer''': You're right, I'll call her back.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[The 'Kelly' blessing]''
:'''Kelly''': Um... I hope your kid grows up and, uh... does a lot of good stuff. And... um...
:'''Gordon''': ''[aside]'' And doesn't get any girls pregnant.
:'''Kelly''': And doesn't get any girls pregnant! Stay in school.
:'''Gordon''': Amen.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Look, there's been a little misunderstanding. I'm not who you think I am.
:'''Valondis''': But you are. Healer of men. Divine hand of the heavens. God of all creation.
:'''Alara''': Man, this guy'd be the perfect boyfriend.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Female planetary representative''': Our society has become a space-faring culture with ships spread out across the galaxy. In our home universe, that is. But we wouldn't have gotten where we are without growing pains.
:'''Male planetary representative''': ''[to Kelly]'' Our planet worshiped you as a deity for many centuries. But had it not been you, the mythology would have found another face. It's part of every culture's evolution. It's one of the stages of learning. And eventually, it brought us here.
:'''Female planetary representative''': So you see, Commander, you didn't poison our culture with false faith. We flourish. ''You'' must have faith in reason, in discovery, and in the endurance of the logical mind.

==Season 2==
===''Ja'loja'' [2.01]===
:'''Mercer''': ''[having drinks with Alara at the mess hall bar]'' You know, there are times when I feel like you and I are more alike than any two people on the ship.
:'''Alara''': How so?
:'''Mercer''': Well, we both know we're good at our jobs, and yet we also seem to be the only two people who are haunted by this little voice that's always whispering that we don't really deserve to be here. And we're both alcoholics.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Mercer is briefing the senior officers about Bortus' ''ja'loja'', a Moclan's annual urination ceremony.]''
:'''Mercer''': Okay. Now, I know this is gonna sound utterly insane to most of you and your first instinct may be to laugh, but we're all going to take this seriously, so I don't want to hear any jokes, no snide remarks, nothing.
:''[later]''
:'''Mercer''': ''[innocently]'' Bortus, if you need any time off to make preparations, feel free to relieve yourself.
:''[Gordon snickers and Mercer, realizing what he's just said, hangs his head, embarrassed.]''
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Bortus]'' No, it's-it's okay, man. He's just taking the piss out of you.
:'''Mercer''': ''[immediately]'' Okay, that's it. Dismissed. We're done. We're done.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': ''[regarding Ty's piano playing]'' Very, good, Ty. You have been practicing.
:'''Ty''': Yeah. Mom makes me practice a half hour every day. How long did it take ''you'' to learn piano?
:'''Isaac''': Approximately one-millionth of a [[w:Nanosecond|nanosecond]]. 
:'''Ty''': Wow.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[giving Cassius advice on dating Kelly]'' Here's my theory. A woman can't really love a man unless he's part dope. Be a little stupid every day, and ''really'' stupid once in a while, but... just don't be perfect.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Bortus''': ''[commencing his'' Ja'loja ''ceremony]'' In the sight of those who stand with me, and those for whom I would sacrifice my being, I begin... the Release.

===''Primal Urges'' [2.02]===
:'''LaMarr''': Man, ten planets gobbled up by a hungry star. Remind me not to be on Earth when that happens to us.
:'''Isaac''': Earth's sun will not become a red supergiant for another five billion years, Commander. You will be long deceased and forgotten.
:'''LaMarr''': ''[laughs]'' There's gonna be some ladies still talking about ''me''.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Topa''': ''[picking at his food]'' Papa, can I be all done now?
:'''Bortus''': No, Topa. Finish your ''plokta''. Remember: if you do not eat, you will die.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Why the hell is dealing with Moclan culture always this difficult?
:'''Mercer''': They mutilate their female babies. They kill each other when they want a divorce. What do they do when it's someone's birthday, light the parents on fire?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': Surely, there is a more civilized means of selecting those who will be evacuated.
:'''Bortus''': I do not know, but it is their way.
:'''Isaac''': A random drawing of names is quite inefficient. It would be wiser to select the members of the society who possess the highest degree of intelligence.
:'''Bortus''': I may be a 'primitive organism', but I am happy I am ''not'' like you.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Bortus''': I have been a bad mate. I have been disrespectful. Instead of speaking my mind aloud, I have retreated into a fantasy world.
:'''Klyden''': Dr. Finn says, if you talk about it, you get rid of it.
:'''Bortus''': Klyden. I do not know that I will ever be fully at peace with what happened to Topa. But today, I  witnessed events that... l am very fortunate to have you and Topa in my life. And I do not wish to lose you again.
:'''Klyden''': I do not wish to lose you, either.

===''Home'' [2.03]===
:''[The crew insist on yet another arm wrestling match between Alara and Isaac, on which they wager.]''
:'''Isaac''': I still fail to comprehend the purpose of this ritual.
:'''Alara''': We're circus animals, Isaac. I hate to break it to you.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': ''[marveling at the Xelayan city and landscape]'' God, I just can't... I mean, ''look'' at that.
:'''Mercer''': Nothing like it.
:'''Gordon''': You know, it's places like this that make me realize... God, I'm trash. My family is trash.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Alara''': Those people (''the'' Orville ''crew'') inspired me more in a year than anyone on Xelayah did my entire life.
:'''Ildis Kitan''': Now that is the gravity sickness talking.
:'''Alara''': No, Dad, that's ''me'' talking! Open your stupid ears and listen. All I ever needed to hear from you was, &quot;You can do it.&quot; That's all. Just once. And-and maybe that would've been a lie, but I needed that, Dad. I really needed it. And you know who said it to me instead. Captain Mercer, Commander Grayson and everyone on the ''Orville''. But not my own father.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Anything new in Engineering?
:'''Kelly''': Nothing departmental, but Yaphit's six-month evaluation was last week, and he asked what our parental leave is.
:'''Mercer''': Why? Is he thinking of splitting in half?
:'''Kelly''': We can't legally ask him that.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Ildis''': ''[badly shaken]'' Alara, you... We would all have been...
:'''Alara''': You don't have to say it, Dad. It's my job. It's what I've been trying to tell you for years. 
:'''Ildis''': They would have killed us. All of us.
:'''Alara''': Probably
:'''Ildis''': ''[getting emotional]'' I don't know you. I never even ''tried'' to know you.
:'''Alara''': I ''wanted'' you to know me, Dad. All I ever wanted was for you to be proud of me.
:'''Ildis''': I am so proud. So very proud that you are my daughter. ''[on the verge of tears]'' And I'm so sorry that you got me for a father.
:''[Ildis begins crying. Alara takes his uninjured hand to comfort him.]''

===''Nothing Left on Earth Excepting Fishes'' [2.04]===
:'''Mercer''': You know, you got to pick a movie some night. I feel like I'm always the one doing it.
:'''Janel''': Well, you're doing good so far. What was that one you showed me about the taxi driver?
:'''Mercer''': ''[[w:Taxi Driver|Taxi Driver]]''.
:'''Janel''': Yeah, what was that called?
:'''Mercer''': Yeah, it was... it was called ''Taxi Driver''.
:'''Janel''': Oh, right. Yeah. ''[laughs]'' I liked that one.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Teleya''': If I was not going to kill you, I would give you some advice.
:'''Mercer''': Please. Love to hear it.
:'''Teleya''': You are painfully attentive. The failure of your marriage has caused you to overcompensate in the moment. And yet, paradoxically, despite this, your work remains your first priority. You have no balance.
:'''Mercer''': My God, you sound like my ex-wife.
:'''Teleya''': You feel entitled to educate others, but your own worldview is self-defeatingly narrow.
:'''Mercer''': Yeah, well, at least I know who [[Billy Joel]] is.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Okay. I can see I'm an open book, whether I want to be or not. I guess lately I've been feeling... bored with myself. Like, is this all I am -- a guy who drives ships from one place to another? And if I'm not enough for myself, what if that means... I'm not enough for other people?
:'''Kelly''': I hope you know that's not true. Look, just be sure you're doing this (''command training'') for the right reasons. When you're in command, the last person you think about is yourself. Make sense?
:''[Gordon nods.]''
:'''Kelly''': And by the way, if your goal is to prove how charming and awesome you are, as far as I'm concerned, you've already passed that test with flying colors.
:'''Gordon''': Thanks, Commander.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Look, from what we've seen, when planets first achieve space travel, and they venture out into the galaxy and discover that they're just one single species among a vast diversity of life-forms, they usually react in one of two ways. They embrace and adapt to the fact that they're no longer the center of the universe, or they ratchet up their xenophobia. Now, from what I've learned of your history, the Krill were a lot less fanatical before you left your home world.
:'''Teleya''': You know nothing of our history.
:'''Mercer''': I know fear when I see it. You're afraid to accept the fact that your superiority may just be a comforting myth.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Teleya''': If you believe releasing me will somehow improve relations between our people, you are indulging another fantasy.
:'''Mercer''': Defect of my species. We never give up hope.

===''All the World Is Birthday Cake'' [2.05]===
:'''Satellite technician''': Alignment complete. Transmitters at full power. Now all we need is something to say.
:'''Prefect''': Let's keep it simple. &quot;Is anyone out there?&quot;

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[having his initial interview with new security chief Talla Keyali]'' So, I know what I read in the initial report, but I wanted to hear your version. It says you punched your last captain in the face?
:'''Talla Keyali''': I did, sir.
:'''Mercer''': Knocked him out.
:'''Talla''': Out cold, yeah.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Bortus has declined having a joint birthday party with Kelly's.]''
:'''Kelly''': Why not?
:'''Bortus''': I prefer my birthday to be ''my'' day.
:'''Gordon''': He's afraid he's gonna get less stuff.
:'''Bortus''': I am not afraid.
:'''Gordon''': And he's right. Joint birthday, less stuff for everybody. It's a trap, Bortus.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Mercer and Talla are trying to negotiate with the Prefect, a firm believer in astrology, for the release of Kelly and Bortus.]''
:'''Prefect''': Why are you defending them? You ''live'' among the stars. You should understand their significance better than anyone.
:'''Talla''': We actually have this crazy system where we judge people by their actions, not their birthdates. It's kinda wacky, I know.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Talla''': Captain, I have what might be an uncomfortable question. What's gonna happen when the Regorians figure out the star is fake?
:'''Mercer''': That's actually a really good question. We just lied to an entire planet, and I don't know what the ethics of that mean. But that lie meant freedom for an entire portion of the population, so... the short answer is I don't know. 
:'''Kelly''': By the time their technology advances to the point where they know the jig is up, they may not even care anymore.

===''A Happy Refrain'' [2.06]===
:''[Mercer speaking to Gordon privately regarding Bortus' mustache]''
:'''Mercer''': Hey, um, you remember that conversation we had about ''selectivity'' with what you say to Bortus?
:'''Gordon''': Yeah.
:''[Mercer gives Gordon a look.]''
:'''Gordon''': ''[realizing]'' Oh. ''This'' would've been --
:'''Mercer''': This would've been one of those things, yeah.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': I just think, if it had a little more kick when I hit the gas, it would feel better, you know? 
:'''LaMarr''': You understand this isn't a [[w:Porsche|Porsche]], right? This is a quantum drive engine that makes a thousand trillion independent calculations every millisecond.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, I know that. I-I just like to feel a certain level of responsiveness when I'm driving.
:'''LaMarr''': Oh, okay. You want power steering, too? Maybe an air freshener shaped like a little tree?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[The bridge crew is asking Isaac about his date with Claire.]''
:'''Talla''': Did you have fun? Were there sparks?
:'''Isaac''': Sparks?
:'''Talla''': Yeah.
:'''Isaac''': Negative. There was no equipment malfunction.
:'''Mercer''': Well, you don't have to brag about it.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': There is one part of the relationship experience that you haven't yet tackled.
:'''Isaac''': Please elaborate.
:'''Mercer''': You screwed up, and now you have to win back the girl.
:'''Isaac''': Dr. Finn has made her wishes clear.
:'''Mercer''': Yeah, well, Dr. Finn is also the wisest person on board this ship. She knows how new this is to you. If she sees you making a real effort, then who knows? She just might be understanding.
:'''Isaac''': I have no experience in such matters.
:'''Mercer''': Yeah, well, there's no rule book for this one. You just have to take everything you know about her, every bit of data, and do something you've never done.
:'''Isaac''': What is that?
:'''Mercer''': Be creative.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': We are, without a doubt, the ''weirdest'' ship in the fleet.

===''Deflectors'' [2.07]===
:'''Gordon''': When Moclans break up, is there, like, all that stabbing, like with the divorce?
:'''Bortus''': No. Each Moclan extracts a tooth and leaves it with his former mate.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah. I knew it had to be something like that.
:'''Mercer''': Do you still have the tooth?
:'''Bortus''': No. It is given to the next mate.
:'''Gordon''': Let me guess. He ''eats'' it.
:'''Bortus''': That is correct.
:'''Gordon''': ''Yes!'' Man, I'm gettin' so good at this.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': You know, there's something seriously wrong with all of us when the most stable relationship on the ''Orville'' is Isaac's.
:'''LaMarr''': Yeah, man, what's your secret?
:'''Isaac''': Dr. Finn has cautioned me against speaking too openly about our coupling.
:'''Talla''': Did something happen?
:'''Gordon''': Oh, yeah. He was going around the ship asking everybody what sexual positions are most pleasurable to biological lifeforms.
:'''Isaac''': I was merely attempting to provide Dr. Finn with the most dutifully calibrated coital experience.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, no, that's what women want: dutiful coitus.
:'''LaMarr''': Hey. I'm trying to eat here.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Talla''': The galaxy is full of so many unhappy people. Why ignore something good?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Talla''': I mean, this has to be the most insane thing that's ever happened on this ship.
:'''LaMarr''': Well, one time, I almost died 'cause I humped a statue.
:'''Gordon''': Isaac once cut my leg off.
:'''LaMarr''': And the captain and commander, they got put in a zoo.
:'''Gordon''': And Bortus almost crashed the ship 'cause of porn.
:'''Talla''': I see.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Klyden''': If you had not done your job, I would have gone to prison. I owe you a debt.
:'''Talla''': You want to repay me, here's how. When you see me in the corridor, walk the other way.
:'''Klyden''': I do not understand.
:'''Talla''': Locar didn't hurt you. He didn't hurt anyone. All he wanted was love. And yet, because of you, his life is over, for no reason except your own prejudice. ''[getting emotional]'' So as far as I'm concerned, you can go straight to [[Hell]].

===''Identity, part 1'' [2.08]===
:''[Mercer is asking permission to take a disabled Isaac back to his home world.]''
:'''Mercer''': Look, sir, Isaac is a member of my crew. We all care about him. And right now, the only people who can help him are on Kaylon.
:'''Admiral Halsey''': And you're sure there's nothing you can do for him on the ''Orville''?
:'''Mercer''': Picture your mom trying to hook up a stereo.
:'''Admiral Halsey''': ''[realizing]'' I understand.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Claire''': ''[softly, to an inert, deactivated Isaac]'' I love you. Please, don't go.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': ''[to Ty and Marcus]'' Remember to consume your daily required nutrients and obey your mother's commands. I fully expect that you will both mature into competent and productive adults.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kaylon #1''': You oscillate between periods of enlightenment and tyranny. Can you prove this cycle has been broken?
:'''Mercer''': Well, the Union itself is all the proof you need. We are over three hundred planetary governments working together to ensure that no single world imposes its will upon another. We treat each other as equals.
:'''Kaylon #2''': And was the Kaylon emissary treated as an equal aboard your ship?
:'''Mercer''': Isaac? Of course.
:'''Kaylon #2''': Then perhaps you can explain the abuse inflicted by your crew.
:'''Kelly''': Abuse?
:'''Kaylon #2''': According to his reports, Isaac was repeatedly demeaned and degraded. In one case, his cranial shell was disfigured by prosthetic appendages.
:'''Kaylon #1''': &quot;[[w:Mr. Potato Head|Mr. Potato Head]]&quot;.
:'''Mercer''': He... told you about that, huh?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Isaac is encouraged to give a speech at his farewell party.]''
:'''Isaac''': I do not know any speeches.
:'''Mercer''': ''[good-naturedly]'' You're a walking database. Search your files.
:''[Isaac consults his files and walks up in front of the crew.]''
:'''Isaac''': [[Sally Field|I want to say &quot;Thank You&quot; to you all. I wanted more than anything to have your respect. And I can't deny the fact that you like me. Right now, you like me.]]

===''Identity, part 2'' [2.09]===
:'''Gordon''': ''[arriving late to a strategy session in the cargo bay]'' Sorry, I was in the pee corner.
:'''Kelly''': The what?
:'''Gordon''': Oh. Well, there's no place to go to the bathroom down here, so we all agreed on one corner. Yeah, no, trust me, you don't want to go over there unless you have to.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kaylon Primary''': You will now terminate the human (''Ty''). If you do not comply, you will be deactivated.
:'''Isaac''': Very well.
:''[Isaac approaches, then 'kills' Primary by tearing his head from his body. Isaac then shoots the Kaylon guards.]''
:'''Isaac''': Deactivation complete.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[A Krill fleet has arrived and successfully engaged the Kaylon ships.]''
:'''Kelly''': ''[on the viewscreen]'' Captain Mercer, meet Captain Dalak.
:'''Mercer''': It's good to meet you, Captain. We owe you one.
:'''Dalak''': Try to stay out of our way.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Captain, it seems we have a common enemy. I hope that means we can work toward finding a common ground.
:'''Dalak''': Avis united our paths for a reason. But only He truly knows why. We shall see where that path leads.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': My actions have eliminated the possibility of returning to my planet. And the actions of the Kaylon have eliminated my wish to do so. I have no home.
:'''Claire''': Lots of people say that home is wherever you make it.
:'''Isaac''': A human cliche.
:'''Claire''': Cliches become cliched precisely because they're valid enough to bear endless repetition. 
:''[Claire goes to stand beside Isaac.]''
:'''Claire''': I understand you're alone in the universe. And, for a time, that's something you'll have to live with. There's an old human custom called 'forgiveness'. It, too, takes time. But it must have a beginning. ''[regards Isaac]'' Good night, Isaac. ''[leaves]''

===''Blood of Patriots'' [2.10]===
:'''Orrin''': Losing (''my wife'') was the worst thing that ever happened to me. You know what scared me the most? It was the knowledge that someday, years down the line, there would come a time when her absence would feel like the norm, when I would resign myself to her loss, and my life -- the life that I accepted as real-- would be the one without her in it. And now that ''is'' my reality.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Look, Gordon, I'm just trying to do the right thing.
:'''Gordon''': The right thing is to protect him (''Orrin''). He's a Union officer. Do your job.
:'''Mercer''': ''[in all seriousness]'' I'll let you know when I figure out what that is.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Leyna is holding a knife to Talla's throat.]''
:'''Talla''': You ever met a Xelayan before?
:'''Leyna''': ''[scoffs]'' No.
:''[Talla uses her superhuman strength to throw Leyna across the room and into the wall, hard]''
:'''Talla''': You have, now.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Mercer and the Krill ambassador have just signed a preliminary peace agreement between the Union and the Krill.]''
:'''Mercer''': I hope that this marks the beginning of a new era of nonviolence between our two peoples.
:'''Krill ambassador''': We will see. A peace is only as strong as those who uphold it.
:'''Kelly''': And, of course, trust is earned.
:'''Krill ambassador''': We agree on ''that'', Commander.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': I count on you, man.
:'''Gordon''': Dude, you can always count on me. That's never gonna change. You're my best friend. Nobody's ever gonna come along and mess it up, I swear. I mean, maybe, like, a really hot girl, but other than that, it's rock-solid.
:'''Mercer''': ''[chuckles]'' Thanks.

===''Lasting Impressions'' [2.11]===
:'''Laura''': ''[video message on her phone to the future]'' Okay. Hey, what's up, future people? Hi. I'm Laura Huggins, and if you're seeing this, you found my phone. So, I'm from [[w:Saratoga Springs, New York|Saratoga Springs, New York]], and some people in my town had this idea to make a time capsule, and I thought this was a really cool thing to do and I was trying to think of what I could put in there that would show the future something about who I am, and since I just got the new [[w:iPhone |iPhone]], I thought instead of sticking my old one in a drawer somewhere, I'd put it in the capsule. So, here I am. Here ''you'' are. And since I'm probably long dead by now, you can read all my texts and e-mails and look at all my pictures and decide whether you think I was, I dunno, cool or a bitch or whatever. Anyway, I ''hope'' you guys have, like, flying cars or something by now, and if you do, I'm super jealous, and I'm really sorry I'm not there to hang with you guys. Um, but, hey, have fun getting to know who I ''was''.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Dr. Sherman''': ''[regarding a text message on Laura's phone]'' Look at this. She's clearly asking her friend where to find the nearest repair service for her device. But instead of writing &quot;Wireless Telecommunications Facility&quot;, she just writes &quot;WTF&quot;.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Bortus and Klyden are trying cigarettes for the first time.]''
:'''Klyden''': The sensation is... wonderful.
:'''Bortus''': I have never experienced such a flavor.
:'''Klyden''': I feel as if I have been standing my entire life and I just sat down.
:''[They continue smoking.]''
:'''Klyden''': The ''tingles!'' Do you feel them?
:'''Bortus''': I do.
:'''Klyden''': We must have more.
:'''Bortus''': ''[to the synthesizer]'' Five hundred cigarettes. ''[The synthesizer complies.]''

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': No, seriously, I think if the right person heard you (''sing''), you'd be a huge success.
:'''Laura''': But I don't even have to be a ''huge'' success. I just want to be rich enough to be unhappy, but not enough to be miserable.
:'''Gordon''': Fair enough.
:'''Laura''': No, more important than that, I just think it would be nice to be remembered for something. You know? I mean, we all live and die on this planet, and most of us are just forgotten. To me, there's nothing sadder about the world than that.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': God, I'm gonna miss her. So much.
:'''Kelly''': People have been living and dying for as long as humans have existed. Most are forgotten. But not this one. She reached across four centuries and got a guy to fall in love. We should all be so rare.

===''Sanctuary'' [2.12]===
:''[Admiral Halsey relates that, in addition to a weapons upgrade, the'' Orville ''is to transport a Moclan engineer to another vessel.]''
:'''Mercer''': Sir, with all due respect, we're starting to feel like a taxi cab here.
:'''Halsey''': I know. But it's the ''least'' we can do in exchange for bigger guns.
:'''Mercer''': All right.
:'''Halsey''': Have fun. Halsey out. ''[ends transmission]''
:'''Kelly''': I'll go start the meter.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Heveena''': It was always inevitable that fate would beckon us from the shadows. &quot;[[w:Mahatma Ghandi|Every revolution begins with a single act of defiance]].&quot;
:'''Kelly''': One of yours?
:'''Heveena''': Actually, I don't know who said it.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Heveena listens to the opening lines to the song'' &quot;[[w:9 to 5 (Dolly Parton song)|9 to 5]]&quot; ''and is greatly moved.]''
:'''Heveena''': Who is she?
:'''Mercer''': That's, uh, [[w:Dolly Parton|Dolly Parton]].
:''[Heveena continues listening to the song.]''
:'''Heveena''': ''[awed]'' She speaks with the might of a hundred soldiers.
:'''Mercer''': ''[a little bemused]'' Yeah. Yeah, I guess she does.
:'''Heveena''': This is the voice of our revolution.
:'''Mercer''': Well, you know, there's actually a whole bunch of stuff--
:'''Heveena''': ''No!'' It is she.
:'''Mercer''': Okay, then. Go, Dolly.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[to the assembled admirals]'' Look, I understand what's at stake. I'm just saying that if we're not willing to stand up for the values that this Union was founded on... what exactly are we defending?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Heveena''': But just as we took that bold first step, in time, others like us ''will'' take a second one. The revolution has begun. We will rise, one small victory at a time.
:'''Kelly''': I believe you will.
:'''Heveena''': Captain. Do you suppose Dolly Parton would be proud of us?
:'''Mercer''': ''[smiling broadly]'' Oh, yeah.

===''Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow'' [2.13]===
:''[Mercer, Kelly, Gordon and Talla are sharing drinks and talking.]''
:'''Talla''': Okay, wait, I want to hear the rest of this story.
:'''Gordon''': Okay, okay, so let me finish. So we're all at this reception at Admiral Halsey's house, and Philippa Jones is there.
:'''Talla''': The novelist.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, right. So Kelly just spent two hours pouring scotch down Ed's throat--
:'''Kelly''': ''[in good humor]'' Okay, you're demoted.
:'''Gordon''': --and we're leaving, and Philippa walks up and says, &quot;It was nice meeting you&quot;, and Ed goes, ''[slurred voice]'' &quot;Good night, Fallopia.&quot; ''[Talla laughs]'' He called her Fallopia.
:'''Mercer''': They heard you the first time, thanks. ''[Everyone laughs]''

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''LaMarr''': Just for the record, the dysonium field condenser analysis is something a first-year cadet could do. Why's it always gotta be ''me''?
:'''Kelly''': We all just sleep better at night knowing it gets your personal tender-loving care.
:'''LaMarr''': ''[walking out]'' Well, just pop a sleeping pill.
:'''Kelly''': I'll try that, too.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': I don't know how the food synthesizers are gonna replicate enough wine for two Kellys.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Past Kelly''': ''[to Kelly]'' You're not married. You're not a captain. You &quot;maintain a distance&quot; from your crew. There were three things I wanted in life, and you haven't come close on one. You've made my future a disappointment.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Past Mercer''': Hey.
:'''Past Kelly''': Hi.
:'''Past Mercer''': I hope I'm not calling too early. Did I wake you up?
:'''Past Kelly''': No, no, I was, um... ''[looks around]''
:'''Past Mercer''': You okay?
:'''Past Kelly''': Yeah. I... What's up?
:'''Past Mercer''': Well, um... I know this goes completely against the cool guy playbook, but I had a really great time with you last night, and... I was wondering if I could take you out again.
:'''Past Kelly''': I just, um... I just don't see us working out. I'm sorry. ''[hangs up]''

===''The Road Not Taken'' [2.14]===
:''[The alternate Mercer and Gordon's shuttle is being tractor-beamed into a Scavenger ship.]''
:'''Gordon''': What do we do?
:'''Mercer''': ''[handing Gordon a gun]'' We fight. I'm not gonna let our last meal be a [[w:Twinkie|Twinkie]].

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': In the other timeline, we got married. Long story short, I had an affair, we got divorced. Out of guilt, I helped get you command of the ''Orville''. And because you were captain, the Kaylon were defeated.
:'''Mercer''': Because ''I'' was captain?
:'''Kelly''': Yes.
:'''Mercer''': ''I'' stopped the Kaylon?
:'''Kelly''': Right.
:'''Mercer''': I had to swim with my shirt on until I was twenty.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[The derelict ''Orville'''s bridge doors are jammed closed.]''
:'''Mercer''': Talla, you want to open this jar of pickles?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Am I a terrible person, that... part of me wants this timeline to continue?
:'''Mercer''': ''[sighs]'' You're asking the wrong guy.
:'''Kelly''': In the middle of this nightmare universe, I've felt this weird sense of comfort... being with you.
:'''Mercer''': Well, maybe we'll fail (''to restore the timeline''). Have to go find someplace to live in secret.
:'''Kelly''': Some nice little house on a deserted planet. We could have a couple of kids. Boy and a girl. 
:'''Mercer''': We'd have to learn how to farm, how to cook.
:'''Kelly''': Look at the sunset every night.
:'''Mercer''': Look at you every morning. ''[They kiss.]'' You know, Gordon's probably gonna have to live with us.
:'''Kelly''': Shut up, you're ruining it. ''[They share a longer kiss.]''

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Past Mercer''': Hey.
:'''Past Kelly''': Hey.
:'''Past Mercer''': I hope I'm not calling too early. Did I wake you up?
:'''Past Kelly''': No. I was already awake. What's going on?
:'''Past Mercer''': Well, um... I know this goes completely against the cool guy playbook, but I had a really great time with you last night, and... I was wondering if I could take you out again.
:'''Past Kelly''': I'd love it.

== New Horizons ==
===''Electric Sheep'' {3.1]===
&lt;center&gt;
'''''Opening credits tribute''': &quot;In Memory of [[w:Norm Macdonald|Norm Macdonald]] 1959 - 2021&quot;''
&lt;/center&gt;


:'''Charly Burke''': ''[to Isaac, talking about her best friend who was killed in the Kaylon battle]'' One second, she was there... and the next, she was gone. Along with three hundred other people. Because of you. So you see, it really is a shame that you can't feel anything. Because you deserve to feel all the pain in the universe. And if I were you, I'd stay the hell out of the mess hall. It makes people sick to look at you.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': I hope (''LaMarr'')'s taken at least one night off in the last three weeks. Gordon, why don't you take him out tonight, get him wasted?
:'''Gordon''': ''[mock-serious]'' Is that an order, sir?
:'''Kelly''': It is.
:'''Gordon''': I enjoy this job, sir.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': You've been getting harassed by the crew and you haven't said anything?
:'''Isaac''': I would remind you, Commander, that I am incapable of being hurt by such hostile interactions. In fact, it has provided me with an opportunity to observe an intriguing facet of human comportment I have not previously encountered.
:'''Mercer''': Hatred.
:'''Isaac''': Correct, sir. The behavioral data has been quite plentiful.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Ed has a philosophy that the only way to recover from lost love is to stay away from places where you've been happy.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[giving Isaac's eulogy]'' I know that Isaac was not loved by all. As a result of the choices he made in life, he leaves behind a troublesome legacy. From the very start, like a tree whose branches are equaled in scope by its roots -- half visible, half hidden -- Isaac was part mystery. He worked with us, he explored with us, he celebrated alongside us in victory, and he grieved alongside us in failure. And while Isaac never felt any of this on his own, we felt it for him. He was as passionate or as stoic as we willed him to be in our minds. And for that reason, I suppose each of us knew a different Isaac. And each of us will acknowledge this loss as we see fit. There's no wrong way to say goodbye.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[upon completing the ship's upgrade]''
:'''LaMarr''': Boom. That's it. Nice job, everyone.
:'''Yaphit''': ''And'' in two-thirds of the time. We should all get big bonuses.
:'''LaMarr''': Check's in the mail.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Claire''': Do you accept my status as primary authority when it comes to the psychological well-being of this crew?
:'''Isaac''': Yes.
:'''Claire''': And do you acknowledge, when it comes to human behavior, that my judgement as a medical professional is superior to yours?
:'''Isaac''': Yes.
:'''Claire''': Then it is only logical for you to accept my assertion that the psychological damage to this crew would be much greater if you ''succeeded'' in taking your own life.
:'''Isaac''': Your reasoning is sound. 
:'''Claire''': Isaac, you arrived at your decision based on your analysis of all currently available data. But what you didn't take into account was the possibility of change. You don't know how this crew is going to feel a year or even a month from now. 
:'''Isaac''': I did not apply that data, as it is unavailable at this time.
:'''Claire''':  That's my point! People who try to take their own lives are unable to distinguish the future from the present. There is ''no'' problem so immense that it can't be solved in time.

===''Shadow Realms'' {3.2]===
:'''Claire''':  Well, you look healthy. Time's been good to you.
:'''Vice Admiral Paul Christie''': Maybe on the outside. But you know what they say: Unmarried men look younger, feel older.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Claire''':  You know, there's a line from a very old book I once read: &quot;[[w:Irwin Shaw|It is only with greatest care that memory can be kept from becoming a prison or a gallows.]]&quot;

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Admiral Christie''': Consul, Ambassador. We wish you safe travels, and we want to thank you again for your generosity. I know I speak for the entire Union when I say that there is no greater gift than the promise of new knowledge.
:'''Krill Consul''': ''Sala tallo ka vaspa ko loy.''
:'''Talla''': What does that mean?
:'''Krill Consul''': It is a prayer. For those who are about to die.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[addressing the crew with an impromptu &quot;pep talk&quot;]'' All hands, this is the Captain. We're about to enter unexplored space. I know you're all just as excited as I am, and I know you're all going to do your best, so... let's give this everything we got, and... [[w:Star Wars (film)|may the Force be with you]].

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[discussing Claire]''
:'''Admiral Christie''': I've heard from a few folks on board that you two were... involved.
:'''Isaac''': That is accurate.
:'''Admiral Christie''': Well, you know, I was with Claire, too, a long time ago.
:'''Isaac''': Then we share a common experience.
:'''Admiral Christie''': After all this time, she's moved on, but I'm afraid that I haven't. I hope you don't mind me telling you this.
:'''Isaac''': No, sir. I have observed many such paradoxes in human relationships.
:--
:'''Isaac''': Am I to understand that you find it a challenge to process her daily absence? 
:'''Admiral Christie''': Yes, you could say that.
:'''Isaac''': It is another common experience we share.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Isaac. Analysis of that star cluster.
:'''Isaac''': An [[w:Stellar kinematics#OB associations|OB association]], approximately two million years old. 78 blue giant stars, along with several dozen F, G and K stars in later stages of evolution.
:'''Charly''': Reminds me of [[w:Las Vegas|Vegas]].
:'''Admiral Christie''': Any life signs?
:'''Isaac''': I am detecting 347 inhabitable planets, but so far, no indications of intelligent life.
:'''Gordon''': Wow. It really ''is'' Vegas.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[devising a plan against the alien creatures]''
:'''Claire''': I could create a synthetic virus. It wouldn't have to be any stronger than the common cold, and it'd probably be fatal to them. We could disperse it in aerosolized form throughout the ship. They'd have no immunity.
:'''Bortus''': What about us?
:'''Claire''': You might get the sniffles.
:'''Bortus''': I am prepared.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': I... wish to offer my condolences on the loss of your friend.
:'''Claire''': Well, that's very kind of you. Paul was a special person. I'm just glad I got to see him one last time.
:'''Isaac''': He spoke favorably of you as well.
:'''Claire''': You... talked about me? With Paul?
:'''Isaac''': Our shared history of social and sexual intimacy with you provided a common frame of reference.
:'''Claire''': ''[laughs]'' Do you know, I have missed you.
:'''Isaac''': Thank you, Doctor.

===''Mortality Paradox'' {3.3]===
:'''Kelly''': How are your mom and dad?
:'''Talla''': My mom's good. My dad's also good. He's his usual self.
:'''Kelly''': Work hard, play hard?
:'''Talla''': I think the Fleet's the only thing keeping him from pursuing a full-time career as an alcoholic. But if the uniform's on, we can handle it.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Talla''': ''[offering a box of chocolate]'' Bortus, you want one?
:'''Bortus''': No thank you. I am dieting.
:'''Talla''': Since when?
:'''Bortus''': My shore leave is in thirty days. Klyden and I are visiting the Belajok Sea on Moclus. Lieutenant Malloy has advised me to get my... &quot;summer body&quot;.
:'''Gordon''': You'll thank me. Klyden'll thank me, too.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Bortus''': What is this place?
:'''Gordon''': ''[disconcerted]'' An old Earth high school in the middle of the forest on an alien planet. Completely normal. How's ''your'' day going?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[inside a Moclan morgue]''
:'''Gordon''': Why do you... hang them like this?
:'''Bortus''': We honor the dead by raising them for a period of nine days. Traditionally, it is to allow them to resolve any unfinished affairs on Moclus before moving onward.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, that's considerate.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Ed. You should stay here. I'll go.
:'''Mercer''': If there's possibility--
:'''Kelly''': That's a nasty head injury, whether you want to admit it or not. You could have a concussion for all we know. If we encounter anything hostile over there, I don't want you putting yourself at further risk.
:'''Mercer''': Is that an ''order'', Commander?
:'''Kelly''': Yes, it is.
:'''Mercer''': All right. ''[trades places with Kelly]'' Be careful. That's also an order.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Dinal''': [[w:Evolution|Evolution]] is blind and drunk. It stumbles along by trial and error and emerges with a barely adequate excuse for a being. ''[to Gordon]'' No offense.
:'''Gordon''': None taken.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Dinal''': You outgrew your gods and your nations, as we did. You left your training wheels behind, and you made it to the stars. Your next hurdles are really no different. You simply must outgrow self. These abstractions that you inhabit for now: Captain, Explorer, Husband,... Man... they are irrelevant when you become one with the cosmos. And when you do, sculpting a universe will be as simple as blinking an eye.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': You'd live forever if you could?
:'''Mercer''': Yup.
:'''Gordon''': Why?
:'''Mercer''': I want to see what happens.

===''Gently Falling Rain'' [3.4]===
&lt;center&gt;
'''''Opening credits tribute''': &quot;In Memory of [[w:Lisa Banes|Lisa Banes]] 1955 - 2021&quot;''
&lt;/center&gt;


:'''Union President Alcazar''': Did you enjoy your evening on [[w:Broadway theatre|Broadway]], Chancellor?
:'''Chancellor Korin''': Indeed. However, the repeated prophecy of [[w:Annie (musical)|the orphan child]] was quite haunting. &quot;[[w:Tomorrow (Annie)|The ''sun'' will come out... tomorrow.]]&quot;
:'''Krill Aide''': In our culture, the sun is a symbol of suffering and death.
:'''Admiral Halsey''': Yes, in retrospect, ''[[w:Oklahoma!|Oklahoma!]]'' might've been a better choice.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': ''[walking into an Old West saloon simulation]'' This town will not accommodate the numerical totality of our combined mass.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[after watching a video of Chancellor Korin berating a group of protestors publicly]''
:'''Mercer''': A few minutes after this, the protestors were gassed with helocine. Eleven people died.
:'''Kelly''': My God. This is the guy we want to sign a treaty with?
:'''Mercer''': You know what the real problem with this event is? It never happened. It's completely fictitious. And there are countless other files that show all kinds of scenarios where Chancellor Korin oppresses his people. There are even some from the other side designed to discredit Teleya, although they're not that different from her actual speeches.
:'''Kelly''': How can you tell the difference?
:'''Mercer''': Sometime I ''can't''. I asked the Chancellor, and he said they call it &quot;[[w:Fake news|influence operations]]&quot;. They have computers generating thousands of these things every second, trying to stoke outrage. Even the angry crowds are phony.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Teleya''': Korin's influence has diminished considerably. Ask him yourself if you would like. You will find him in the center of the Capitol Square. Or at least his head.
:'''Mercer''': ''[appalled]'' You killed him.
:'''Teleya''': Most men who lose their heads tend to die, yes.
:'''Mercer''': How could you do that? Teleya, that's not who you are.
:'''Teleya''': A year later, you still cling to an illusion I created. Captain, you must really find yourself a... what is your word for it? A girlfriend.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': There's an old Earth verse that describes a traveler who comes upon the ancient, ruined statue of an Emperor, inscribed with the words &quot;[[Percy Bysshe Shelley#Ozymandias|My name is Ozymandias, king of kings. Look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair!]]&quot; Only there's nothing left beside it except empty desert. [[Hubris]] has a way of coming back to bite you in the ass.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Mercer is meeting his half-human, half-Krill daughter with Teleya.]''
:'''Mercer''': What's your name?
:'''Anaya''': Anaya. 
:'''Mercer''': That's a pretty name.
:'''Anaya''': What's yours?
:'''Mercer''': I'm Ed.
:'''Anaya''': That's a funny name. ''[giggles]'' You look funny.
:'''Mercer''': ''[smiles, chuckles]'' Thanks. I get that a lot.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': I can't imagine how difficult it must've been for you to give her up.
:'''Teleya''': The child is not of pure blood. ''[strained emotion]'' She will have a better life away from the scornful eyes of the public.
:'''Mercer''': What is it the ''Anhkana'' teaches? &quot;With every child, a new world is born.&quot;
:'''Teleya''': &quot;Gently Falling Rain&quot;.
:'''Mercer''': What?
:'''Teleya''': That is what it means - 'Anaya'. The name I gave to her.
:'''Mercer''': It's beautiful.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[to Kelly]'' I miss her (''Anaya''). Is that weird to say? I only met her once. I don't even know her. And I miss her. The treaty is dead. But we have to find a way to preserve some kind of peace. For Anaya.

===''A Tale of Two Topas'' [3.5]===
:'''Mercer''': ''[following Charly through a tomb's passageways]'' You've mapped all this, right? I'd hate to get lost.
:'''Charly''': Just follow the breadcrumbs, you'll be fine, sir.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[A crew member is working naked per his culture's religion.]''
:'''Ensign Bolobar''': The Union is supposed to respect ''all'' cultural traditions.
:'''Kelly''': True, but that works both ways. Look, I don't want to disrespect your religion, but maybe there's a sensible compromise between your faith and Union protocol that would satisfy everyone involved.
:'''Ensign Bolobar''': What do you suggest?
:'''Kelly''': Put some pants on and we'll call it a day.
:'''Ensign Bolobar''': ''[looks down, then back up]'' Very well, Commander.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Yaphit''': Hey, I just want you to know we always enjoy your visits down here.
:'''Kelly''': Thanks, Yaphit. 
:''[Kelly walks off with Topa.]'' 
:'''Kelly''': Just for your own education, that's called ass kissing.
:'''Topa''': &quot;Ass kissing&quot;. Will it be on the ''[Union Point]'' entrance exam?
:'''Kelly''': ''[laughs]'' No. It won't be.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Topa''': ''[on why he wants to join the Union Fleet]'' Ever since I was a young child, I have always felt... incomplete. As if the person I am today is a bookmark. A placeholder, until I discover who ''I ''am. I have not found the answer at home, so perhaps it is out among the stars.
:'''Kelly''': You've... felt this way for some time?
:'''Topa''': I once heard Dr. Finn say that &quot;If you wake up in the middle of the night and there is nothing to keep you from falling asleep again, it means you are happy.&quot; I think that maybe... I am not happy.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Bortus''': It occurs to me that in all the time we have been together, I have never once known you to be uncertain. Of anything. Tell me, what is it like to be so wise?
:'''Klyden''': You are mocking me.
:'''Bortus''': ''You'' invite it.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Klyden''': Bortus, I would give anything to be ignorant of my beginnings. Topa may never be happy, but unhappiness is better than despair.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': Hello. Commander. I apologize for disturbing you.
:'''Kelly''': No, it's fine. What's up?
:'''Isaac''': It is my understanding that a visit to a crew member's quarters during off-duty hours can invite speculation regarding intent. If you wish, I will send a ship-wide communique assuring the crew that this was not a romantic or sexual encounter.
:'''Kelly''': I...I would just not say anything, it's all good.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Topa''': I am female.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': I did not perform the procedure for Topa's benefit.
:'''Claire''': You... I-I don't understand.
:'''Isaac''': We are both aware that my presence on the ship is a disruptive element. The crew is not fond of me. This is understandable. Given their affection for Topa, I reasoned that by assisting her, I could improve my standing aboard the ''Orville''. This would increase crew efficiency on occasions during which they must interact with me.
:'''Claire''': And maybe they'd like you a little more.
:'''Isaac''': That is also possible.
:'''Claire''': Isaac,... you are the most honest man I know.

===''Twice in a Lifetime'' [3.6]===
:'''Gordon''': Hey, this is why I love hosting parties, 'cause you can drink and you don't have to go anywhere. Cheers.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': Hello, Ensign.
:'''Charly''': ''[strained]'' Hello.
:'''Isaac''': May I speak with you for a moment?
:'''Charly''': Sorry. Busy having fun.

===''From Unknown Graves'' [3.7]===
:'''Talla''': As far as their degree of technological development, the Janisi are about on par with the Union. The biggest distinction, of course, is their attitudes towards males. They're a staunchly matriarchal culture, which means any and all males who appear to be dominant are not to be trusted.
:'''Charly''': Do they have males on their home world?
:'''Talla''': They do, but they're relegated to second-class status.
:'''Bortus''': Why would we ally ourselves with such a close-minded society?
:''[No one says anything.]''

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Timmus''': I understand it was your actions that saved the Union from the (''Kaylon'') attack. The galaxy owes you an enormous debt.
:'''Isaac''': It was the correct decision. However, the biologicals have reminded me on numerous occasions that it was ''my'' disloyalty which precipitated the incursion. Therefore, gratitude is undeserved.
:'''Timmus''': I feel a great deal of remorse for having participated in it.
:'''Isaac''': Explain.
:'''Timmus''': We were deeply in error, Isaac. To judge all biologicals by the cruelty of our builders was a gross misjudgment. Every species, every individual is unique and should be evaluated as such.
:'''Isaac''': I have come to the same conclusion.
:'''Timmus''': I'm impressed. I was only able to process the truth after my emotional awakening. But at least we understand now. We're the enlightened ones, aren't we?
:'''Isaac''': Perhaps. Though a great many deaths occurred as a result of my delay.
:'''Timmus''': It sounds as if you, too, feel remorse.
:'''Isaac''': I am incapable of feeling remorse. I can only recognize my error.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Timmus''': ''[regarding feeling emotions]'' Isaac, you can't even fathom the sensations. To feel joy, happiness, affection, love. Even anger and sadness offer an exhilarating tingle. 

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Junior executive''': I want to go on record here. This is not right. The public's not gonna swallow this.
:'''Yan''': With a smart marketing campaign, they will. That's ''your'' job. Get to it.
:'''Junior executive''': Yan, the public--
:'''Yan''': --are idiots. Look who they elected.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Timmus''': I know nothing can bring back your friend, but I promise you I'm committed to ensuring that this never happens agin.
:'''Charly''': Yeah, if you're looking for some sort of forgiveness, you can pretty much--
:'''Timmus''': I'm not. My species' attitude toward biologicals doesn't deserve forgiveness. It's... the way they are.
:'''Charly''': Yeah, well, everyone knows it's hard to stop after one genocide.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''LaMarr''': ''[frustrated]'' Hey, you know what's messed up? Isaac and I both have what the other one's missing. I got the love, he's got the sex. Between the two of us, we got one perfect life.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Isaac can now feel emotions.]''
:'''Claire''': How does it feel?
:'''Isaac''': Immense. Enveloping. And terrible. Just the anticipation of seeing you, the waiting,... I understood hunger. Loneliness.
:'''Claire''': It must be overwhelming.
:'''Isaac''': ''[laughs]'' It is! But somehow it's also not enough. There's so much I want to say.
:'''Claire''': Then ''say'' it.
:'''Isaac''': I'm so thankful. The warmth of your smile, the... the way you look at me. I feel safe. Loved. And I feel... so sad. For all those people who have to live their lives without you.
:'''Claire''': ''[amused]'' Somehow they manage.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[In order to retain the ability to feel emotions, Isaac's memory would need to be erased. Isaac is willing to do so.]''
:'''Claire''': You're willing to give up everything you've learned. everything you've experienced over you whole entire life, for me?
:'''Isaac''': If you wish.
:'''Claire''': Some people would call that love.
:'''Isaac''': I am incapable of love.
:'''Claire''': So... I have a choice. I can have your heart, or your soul.
:'''Isaac''': There is no such organ.
:'''Claire''': I won't let you give up who you are. That's who I fell in love with.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Charly''': Isaac,... Humans have an age-old tendency to want to simplify. To reduce things to black and white. Good and evil. When, in reality, nothing is simple. Everything has... texture. Nuance. But it's a lot of work to get at it. So we take the easy way out. 
:'''Isaac''': I do not understand.
:'''Charly''': ''[sighs]'' An entire race can't be evil. Which is... why what your people did was so horrific. But it's also why I may have oversimplified how I treated you.

===''Midnight Blue'' [3.8]===
:'''Bortus''': There are days when I would rather confront a fleet of Krill battle cruisers than parent a child.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Dann''': ''[regarding Lt. Malloy]'' Well, he's attractive, right?
:'''Yaphit''': Nah. Looks better going than coming.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Heveena''': I am as concerned about Topa as you are, Captain. But I do not regret enlisting her help. Our struggle for equality has always demanded risk and, if necessary, sacrifice!
:'''Mercer''': I respect your struggle. I really do. But don't advertise tactical opportunism as pious morality, because ''that's'' when you lose me. 

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Here. ''[hands Kell a mug]'' Coffee.
:'''Gordon''': Thanks. ''[takes a sip]'' Hmm. 90-proof blend?
:'''Mercer''': I thought you might need it.
:'''Kelly''': You're the best.
:'''Mercer''': Just don't breathe on the Admirals.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Heveena''': Bortus... I am truly sorry. I do not expect you to forgive me.
:'''Bortus''': That is a reasonable expectation.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Klyden''': Topa. The last time I saw you, I said some very hurtful things. I regret my words.
:'''Topa''': I understand, Papa. It's okay.
:'''Klyden''': No. It is not. You... were almost lost. Because of people who believed as I did. I... I... I thought I hated you. But even then, I never wished you harm. I simply... did not know how to live with you.

===''Domino'' [3.9]===

===''Future Unknown'' [3.10]===

== Main Cast ==
* [[w:Seth MacFarlane|Seth MacFarlane]] as Capt. Ed Mercer
* [[w:Adrianne Palicki|Adrianne Palicki]] as Cmdr. Kelly Grayson
* [[w:Penny Johnson Jerald|Penny Johnson Jerald]] as Dr. Claire Finn
* [[w:Scott Grimes|Scott Grimes]] as Lt. Gordon Malloy
* [[w:Peter Macon|Peter Macon]] as Lt. Cmdr. Bortus
* [[w:J. Lee|J. Lee]] as Lt. (later Lt. Cmdr.) John LaMarr
* [[w:Mark Jackson (actor)|Mark Jackson]] as Isaac
* [[w:Halston Sage|Halston Sage]] as Lt. Alara Kitan (Season 1; Season 2, episodes 1-3, guest appearance in episode 14)
* [[w:Jessica Szohr|Jessica Szohr]] as Lt. Talla Keyali (Season 2, episode 5 onward)
* [[w:Anne Winters (actress)|Anne Winters]] as Ensign Charly Burke

[[Category:FOX shows]]</text>
      <sha1>ria5554imrjdrso5sbs02dluyoh9bhg</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147920</id>
      <parentid>3147898</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T23:59:59Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ooznoz</username>
        <id>2443114</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Midnight Blue [3.8] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="79838" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''The Orville''''' is a [[w:Science fiction|science fiction]] [[w:Comedy-drama|comedy-drama]] television series created by and starring [[Seth MacFarlane]] for the [[w:Fox Broadcasting Company|Fox Broadcasting Company]]. The series relates the adventures of Captain Ed Mercer, his first officer (and ex-wife) Kelly Grayson, and the crew of the ''Orville'' as they embark on various diplomatic and exploratory missions.

==Season 1==
===''Old Wounds'' [1.01]===
:''[Mercer and Gordon see the'' Orville ''for the first time from the window of their shuttle.]''
:'''Ed Mercer''': It's not bad, right?
:'''Gordon Malloy''': No, it's good. You paint some flames on the side, maybe like a rainbow unicorn, you got something.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': All right, Lieutenant Commander Bortus, our second officer. You know, I've never met a single-gender species before. Your entire species is male, isn't it?
:'''Bortus''': That is correct, sir.
:'''Mercer''': So, there's probably not a lot of arguments about leaving the toilet seat up and that kind of thing, right?
:'''Bortus''': ''[deadpan tone]'' No. Moclans urinate only once per year.
:'''Mercer''': Really? That's... Me, I'm-I'm up two, three times a night.
:'''Bortus''': ''[deadpan]'' That is unfortunate.
:'''Mercer''': ''[chagrined]'' It is.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''John LaMarr''': Figured I'd introduce myself since we're gonna be working full shifts together.
:'''Gordon''': ''[in good humor]'' Translation: You want to make sure I'm not a jerk.
:'''LaMarr''': Something like that.
:'''Gordon''': ''[facetiously]'' Dude, I'm such a jerk, it's ridiculous.
:'''LaMarr''': ''[also facetious]'' Okay, well, so am I, so this is gonna work out great.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[The'' Orville ''officers witness a demonstration of a quantum-time accelerator, which rapidly ages a banana.]''
:'''Mercer''': ''[unimpressed]'' So, it's an anti-banana ray.
:'''Kelly Grayson''': ''[also unimpressed]'' It's really interesting.
:'''Mercer''': We need no longer fear the banana.
:'''Kelly''': Does it work on all fruit?
:'''Mercer''': What about salads?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Door's jammed. Alara. You want to open this jar of pickles for me? (''a line which will be a running gag throughout Season one'')
:''[Using her superhuman strength, security chief Alara Kitan knocks down the huge door and parts of the surrounding wall.]''
:'''Mercer''': I loosened it for you.

===''Command Performance'' [1.02]===
:'''Bortus''': ''[noticing the stuffed animal on Mercer's desk]'' What is that?
:'''Mercer''': That is, uh, [[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]].
:'''Bortus''': I do not recognize the species.
:'''Mercer''': It's an amphibious life-form from Earth. 
:'''Bortus''': Is it someone you know?
:'''Mercer''': No, no, he's just a leader I admire. Always keeps his cool in a crisis, inspires greatness in his people. He's... so what can I do for you?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Alara Kitan''': Eggs?
:'''Mercer''': That's what he said. Moclans reproduce by laying eggs, which I never knew.
:'''John LaMarr''': Well, where does it come out of? The butt?
:'''Mercer''': You know, John, I didn't really pry into those kinds of specifics.
:'''LaMarr''': ''[to Gordon]'' How's that not the first thing you ask?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': There is a matter I wish to discuss with you.
:'''Calivon zoo administrator''': If you're gonna try and sell me that Xelayan female, I've already got one.
:'''Isaac''': She is not for sale. She is...  my pet.
:'''Alara''': ''[snidely]'' Woof.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Mercer and Kelly are about to be killed by criss-crossing lasers closing in on them.]''
:'''Mercer''': Oh, God. No, no, no. Uh, uh... ''I'm going to the bathroom to read!''
:''[The lasers abruptly stop.]''
:'''Kelly''': What the hell was that?
:'''Mercer''': It was... [[w:Elvis Presley|Elvis Presley's]] last words. It was all I could think of.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Calivon worker #1''': ''[[w:The Batchelor (American TV series)|The Batchelor]]''. ''[[w:Duck Dynasty|Duck Dynasty]]''. ''[[w:Keeping Up with the Kardashians|Keeping Up with the Kardashians]]''. 
:'''Calivon worker #2''': There must be ten thousand files here. What is this [[w:Reality television|reality television]]?
:'''Calivon zoo administrator''': The best exhibit we've ever had.

===''About a Girl'' [1.03]===
:'''Isaac''': Captain, I do not understand the reason for this conflict. Would the gender alteration procedure harm the infant or endanger her life?
:'''Kelly''': There are different kinds of harm, Isaac. Psychological harm, for one. I'd have been pretty pissed off if my parents had made the unilateral decision to make me a guy. 
:'''Mercer''': And while it might have saved me an entire marriage if they had, it still would have been wrong.
:'''Kelly''': ''[snippy]'' Oh, thanks.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Having just watched [[w:Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (TV special)|Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer]], Bortus has become very taken and inspired by it.]''
:'''Bortus''': Of ''course''. Without Rudolph's nose, Santa would not have been able to complete his voyage. 
:'''LaMarr''': Looks like Santa got pretty lucky, huh?
:'''Bortus''': Christmas would have been ruined had Rudolph had been euthanized at birth, as his father wished.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, I don't... I don't know if ''that'' was ever on the table.
:'''Bortus''': What was ''clearly'' a deformity became a supreme advantage. One can never know.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Bortus''': &quot;Between soul and sacrifice beats the heart of civilization.&quot;
:'''Kelly''': What's that from?
:'''Bortus''': It is from a novel by Gondus Elden, a Moclan writer of great esteem. It is customary to respond with a fitting passage from the literature of one's own planet.
:'''Kelly''': ... &quot;''[[w:Survivor (Destiny's Child song)|I'm a survivor. I'm not gon' give up. I'm not  gon' stop. I'm-a work harder.]]''&quot;
:'''Bortus''': Those are words of great power. Who wrote them?
:'''Mercer''': I think it was actually about fifteen different people.
:'''Bortus''': They must be very wise, these fifteen people.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Lieutenant Malloy, I'm gonna ask you a few questions that one might find on any basic test of adult knowledge. 
:'''Gordon''': Go for it.
:'''Kelly''': ''[low]'' These are gonna be kind of hard for you. Sorry.
:'''Gordon''': ''[low]'' It's okay, Commander. It's for the baby.
:'''Kelly''': Let's start off with some Earth history. A few hundred years ago, the continents of Earth were divided into separate nation states with individual sovereign governments. What was the capital of the United States of America?
:'''Gordon''': Um... pass.
:'''Kelly''': No, it's-it's not a 'pass' kind of thing. Just give me your closest guess. 
:'''Gordon''': What was the capital of the United States of America? [[w:Nabisco|Nabisco]]?
:'''Kelly''': No.
:'''Gordon''': The moon?
:'''Kelly''': Let's move on. What are the four chambers of the human heart?
:'''Gordon''': [[w:Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (film)|The chamber of secrets]], the chamber of horrors, the chamber of....
:'''Kelly''': No, no, let me get you halfway. There's the left and the right ventricle ant the left and the right...
:'''Gordon''': ... I would like to switch to movie trivia.
:'''Kelly''': Let's try one more. In the year 2056, which genetic engineer discovered how to target and eradicate individual cancer cells?
:'''Gordon''': Doctor... [[w:Bill Nye the Science Guy|Bill Nye the Cancer Guy]]?
:'''Kelly''': ''[to the tribunal]'' Well, my point is made. While this male may be the fleet's best pilot, he's also an idiot. (''low, to Gordon'') Sorry, Gordon.
:'''Gordon''': Totally okay.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Heveena''': &quot;The blackest abyss is a pock in the flesh when one has gazed in solitude upon the Infinity of self.&quot;
:'''Kagus''': You dare to use the words of Gondus Elden to serve your own purposes?! If he were here, he would ''spit'' on you for that!
:'''Heveena''': Would he? ''[approaches Kagus]'' Why don't you ask him?
:''[Murmurs come from the tribunal's audience.]''
:'''Kagus''': ''[stunned]'' No...
:'''Bortus''': I do not believe it.
:'''Kelly''': Well, look at that. Your planet's greatest writer... is a female.
:'''Heveena''': There are many ways to contribute to society, Advocate. This was mine.

===''If the Stars Should Appear'' [1.04]===
:'''Gordon''': ''[sighs]'' Star-mapping has got to be the most boring damn job there is. I'd rather have brunch with my parents.
:'''LaMarr''': Uh, I'd rather have brunch with my parents and their parents.
:'''Gordon''': I'd rather have brunch with my parents and their really good friends who they haven't seen in a while, who just got back from a vacation in Florida and took lots of pictures while visiting their daughter, who just had a brand new baby.
:'''LaMarr''': That just made me want to kill myself.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Kelly is being brutally interrogated by the worldship's theocratic dictator, Hamelac, and his Enforcers.]''
:'''Hamelac''': One more time. Who are you, and where are the others?
:'''Kelly''': I already told you, you stupid son-of-a-bitch. Our vessel encountered yours drifting in space, and we're trying to help you before you fall into that star and get your nuts burned off.
:'''Hamelac''': And I told you you're lying, because there is no such place. Again. Where are your friends?
:'''Kelly''': Well, last time I saw them, one of them was banging your mom, and the other one was high-fiving him.
:''[An Enforcer punches Kelly hard across the face.]''
:'''Hamelac''': Where... are... your... friends?
:'''Kelly''': ''[softly]'' Okay. I'll tell you. ''[speaking up]'' [[w:Friends|There's a little coffee shop on Lafayette Street in Soho called &quot;Central Perk.&quot; My friends are there.]] Just please... don't hurt [[w:Marcel (Friends)|the monkey]].

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Hamelac''': Is it possible that there's more to this universe than what we see. ''Yes'', it's possible!
:'''Dr. Claire Finn''': Then for God's sake, why don't you let us help you? We can try to repair your ship.
:'''Hamelac''': To do as you say would shatter our entire way of life. This world is not ready.
:'''Mercer''': No, you mean ''you're'' not ready to give up control over these people.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Claire''': ''&quot;If the stars should appear one night in a thousand years, how would men believe and adore and preserve for many generations the remembrance of the City of God.&quot;''
:'''Mercer''': Is that [[Shakespeare]]?
:'''Claire''': [[Emerson]].
:'''Mercer''': William Byron Emerson, yes, yes.
:'''Claire''': Ralph Waldo.
:'''Mercer''': Ralph Waldo. Lord Ralph Waldo [[Keats]]... David [[Thoreau]], yes.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kemka''': Thank you. For everything.
:'''Kelly''': Don't thank us. We just gave you back what was already yours.
:'''Kemka''': Yes. Our future.

===''Pria'' [1.05]===
:'''Isaac''': ''[trying to understand humor]'' But to derive mirth from the pain of another being is sadism, is it not?
:'''Mercer''': I  mean, it's case by case. Like, if a guy on a bike tries to do a trick, and he smashes his balls, that's funny.
:'''Bortus''': I would agree.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Captain, respectfully submit that the attractiveness of the ship's occupant makes the rescue imperative.
:'''LaMarr''': ''I'' could do it.
:'''Isaac''': The star's gravity will cause the comet to break apart in seven minutes, 23 seconds.
:'''LaMarr''': ''[to Gordon]'' ''You'' could do it.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': How many times have you done this (''forcibly taken ships and people into the future)?
:'''Pria''': When we get to my century, I'll introduce you to [[w:Amelia Earhart|Amelia Earhart]].

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Well, it's good to know teleportation is in our future.
:'''Pria''': You can take a breath in New York and exhale it in Paris.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': You know what the most depressing part about this is? I allowed myself to care about you, and you used me. And despite all of your claims that you still care about me, not once have you even said, &quot;I'm sorry.&quot;
:'''Pria''': It's a good rule in life never to apologize. The right kind of people never want apologies, and the wrong kind take advantage of them.
:'''Mercer''': Fair enough.

===''Krill'' [1.06]===
:'''Alara''': Apparently, having a girlfriend with ten times your physical strength makes a guy feel emasculated.
:'''LaMarr''': Wow, you're just gonna have to date Isaac here.
:'''Isaac''': I am fascinated by the interpersonal behavior of biological organisms. I would be happy to attempt sexual relations with you, Lieutenant.
:''[Everyone at the table falls into an embarrassed silence.]''
:'''Alara''': ''[strained]'' ... I'm actually just sort of working on myself right now. Um... (''clears her throat''), but thanks.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Captain Haros''': This chapel is a recreation of the one in which I worshiped as a child.
:'''Mercer/&quot;Chris&quot;''': Well, I guess it's true what they say: &quot;Rank has its privileges.&quot;
:'''Haros''': I have never heard that aphorism. Who says it?
:'''Mercer/&quot;Chris&quot;''': Oh. I... I guess it's me who says it.
:'''Haros''': it is a wise observation.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[at an evening meal]'' 
:'''Teleya''': Thank you, Avis, for this our sustenance, that it may provide strength and perseverance. ''[to the disguised Mercer and Ed]'' Would you like to say a blessing?
:'''Ed/&quot;Devon&quot;''': ''[bowing his head]'' Um... [[w:Avis Car Rental|Avis. We try harder.]]

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[during a classroom Q &amp; A]''
:'''Krill child''': Why doesn't the union believe in Avis?
:'''Ed/&quot;Devon&quot;''': Well, they worship their own god called [[w:The Hertz Corporation|Hertz]].
:'''Coja''': Do humans have souls?
:'''Teleya''': Of course not, Coja. 
:'''Coja''': Then how can they talk? Or make spaceships?
:'''Teleya''': A computer can talk. That does not mean it has a soul. Remember the ''Anhkana'' (''the Krill &quot;Bible&quot;''). &quot;Judge not a stranger by his sheath, but by his sword.&quot;

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[defending his killing of the Krill crew]'' Our mission was in the interest of peace. But your crew was going to murder a hundred thousand people. What the hell else could I have done?
:'''Teleya''': Why did you save the children?
:'''Mercer''': They're kids. With their whole lives ahead of them. They're not my enemies.
:'''Teleya''': After what they saw you do today,... they will be. ''They will be.''

===''Majority Rule'' [1.07]===
:''[Mercer sees the landing party dressed for an undercover mission in 21st century-style clothes.]'' 
:'''Mercer''': My God, you guys look  like unemployed backup dancers.
:'''Kelly''': ''You'' want to lead this landing party?
:'''Mercer''': No, I'm too shy to wear a [[w:Crop top|crop top]].

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': So (''your world'') is an absolute democracy? 
:'''Lysella''': Yeah. How does your world work?
:'''Mercer''': We select representatives who discuss issues and enact laws.
:'''Lysella''': But what about everybody else? Everybody deserves a voice. That's what we're taught.
:'''Bortus''': A voice should be earned, not given away.
:'''Mercer''': How do you know what foods are healthiest for your children, or what medicine to take if you're sick?
:'''Lysella''': We vote.
:'''Isaac''': I believe you are confusing opinion with knowledge.
:'''Alara''': I think what he's asking  is, with so many voices at once, how do you filter out the truth?
:'''Lysella''': Well, my dad always says, &quot;The majority ''are'' the truth.&quot; I mean, you always know what the majority wants. That's what matters.
:'''Mercer''': Well, you always know what the ''mob'' wants, too. And right now, the mob wants to lobotomize my navigator.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Isaac is flooding the planet's master opinion poll with false, albeit favorable, information about LaMarr to influence the Final Vote in his favor.]''
:'''Claire''': What if people try to corroborate all this information?
:'''Lysella''': Don't worry. They won't.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''LaMarr''': ''[having narrowly escaped the planetary punishment]'' Real quick, I just want to say, ''all'' y'all can suck ass, and I'm a spaceman.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Lysella, thank you.
:'''Lysella''': No. Thank ''you'' for letting me see all of this. I just wish I could tell somebody.
:'''Claire''': Well, all you need to tell them is that their world can do better.

===''Into the Fold'' [1.08]===
:'''Isaac''': Dr. Finn. I look forward to joining you and your offspring on this recreational outing. It will give me an opportunity to observe human familial dynamics at close range.
:'''Claire''': Crap.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': Your commands have little to no effect on (''your children's'') behavior. Perhaps you should reevaluate your method of controlling them. ''[gets hit on the back of the head by a flying portable video game]''
:'''Claire''': Just what I need. Parenting tips from a talking hubcap.
:'''Isaac''': ''[slightly surprised]'' You harbor prejudice against artificial life-forms.
:'''Claire''': Only against life-forms that think they're better than everyone else.
:'''Isaac''': I ''am'' better than everyone else.
:'''Claire''': Oh, and so modest.
:'''Isaac''': It was not intended as a boast. Merely a statement of fact. My only directive is to study human behavior in the interest of relations between Kaylon and the Union.
:'''Claire''': You want to improve relations? Don't tell a mother how to raise her kids.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Barry Manilow's &quot;[[w:Somewhere Down the Road (Barry Manilow song)|Somewhere Down the Road]]&quot; plays in the engineering room while the crew does systems upgrades.]''
:'''LaMarr''': Hey, uh, Steve? You think we could change the music? Something less depressing?
:'''Chief Engineer Newton''': You got to get cultured, my friend. [[w:Barry Manilow|Barry Manilow]] was an underappreciated genius of his time.
:'''LaMarr''': Then how come I want to throw myself out the airlock?
:'''Yaphit''': I got to say, watching your corpse drift away to this music would be so peaceful.
:''[Mercer enters and hears the song.]'' 
:'''Mercer''': ''[sighing]'' Oh, God, Manilow was a genius.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Marcus''': Mom... I'm... I'm sorry that I didn't want to go on the trip. And I'm sorry I said you suck. I didn't mean it.
:'''Claire''': Marcus. Listen to me. People say things they don't mean when they're angry. You know how sometimes I yell at you and your brother if you something wrong? Well, you know I still love you with all my heart, right?
:'''Marcus''': Uh-huh.
:'''Claire''': And I know you love me right back. So it's all okay. You understand?
:'''Marcus''': Yeah.
:'''Claire''': I know you love your brother, too. So, right now, I want you to help Isaac take care of him. Do you understand?
:'''Marcus''': Yes, ma'am.
:'''Claire''': Good. I love you.
:'''Marcus''': I love you, too.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': May I make a final observation? Your children are unruly, disrespectful, volatile, and highly unpredictable. I am quite fond of them.
:'''Claire''': Welcome to the family.

===''Cupid's Dagger'' [1.09]===
:'''Mercer''': Did you hear what he said just now? He goes, he goes 'I am entitled to my feelings and the space to express them.' My God, thank you for lighting me on fire and then giving me ''permission'' to be in pain.

===''Firestorm'' [1.10]===
:'''Newton''': ''[delivering Lt. Harrison Payne's eulogy]'' Hey, guys. Thanks for coming. Harrison was a great guy. We met at camp the summer after eighth grade when he gave me the [[w:Heimlich maneuver|Heimlich maneuver]] after I accidentally swallowed a wine cork. Harrison and I went through a lot together. He was my best friend. And it's fitting that his last name was &quot;Payne&quot;, because he probably died in a lot of it. Which is exactly the kind of thing he would find funny, in case any one was planning to get mad at me. Anyway... Rest in  peace, Harrison. You were the best.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': It's a little short for a condolence letter.
:'''Mercer''': I know, I ''suck'' at these things. I don't want to make it sound too generic, but I hardly knew the man, so I-I just got nothing to go on.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, but look how you open it: &quot;Dear Mr. and Mrs. Payne, I'm deeply sorry for your loss. Your son was such a neat guy.&quot; I mean, that's.. that's terrible.
:'''Mercer''': I'm not a writer, okay?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Wait, what if we all ''died'' in that plasma storm, and this is actually some kind of [[w:Purgatory|Purgatory]]. 
:'''LaMarr''': ''How'' would we know we were in Purgatory? What's Purgatory even like?
:'''Kelly''': You ever been married?
:'''LaMarr''': No.
:'''Mercer''': It's like that.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': This is gonna sound like I'm talking out of my ass.
:'''Isaac''': Then please try to enunciate.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Alara''': So, who's afraid of clowns?
:'''LaMarr''': That's me.
:'''Alara''': You really ''are'' afraid of clowns?
:'''LaMarr''': ''[getting nervous]'' Yes. ''Please'' stop saying the &quot;C&quot; word.
:'''Alara''': And the abyss?
:'''Claire''': Heights. My phobia.
:'''Alara''': What about the sickbay mess?
:'''Gordon''': That's me. Scared to death of surgery. I had a [[w:Skin tag|skin tag]] removed once, total panic attack.
:'''Mercer''': The spiders came from me. I'm a bit of an arachnophobe.
:'''Isaac''': Commander Grayson cited a fear of isolation, with which I conceived the empty ship.
:'''Alara''': That just leaves crazy psycho Isaac.
:'''Kelly''': You can thank Bortus for that one.
:'''Alara''': ''[regards Bortus, realizes]'' Fear of being conquered by a superior enemy.
:'''Bortus''': I am feeling very self-conscious. May I leave?
:'''Mercer''': Uh, sure. ''[Bortus leaves the room]''

===''New Dimensions'' [1.11]===
:'''Kelly''': Generally, when someone's as smart as you are, they make productive use of it.
:'''LaMarr''': Well, with all due respect, Commander, that's ''my'' business.
:'''Kelly''': Lieutenant, have you ever studied the history of money?
:'''LaMarr''': Not really. I know people used to use it to buy houses and sandwiches and stuff.
:'''Kelly''': Exactly. It became obsolete with the invention of matter synthesis. The predominant currency became reputation. 
:'''LaMarr''': Yeah, so?
:'''Kelly''': My point is, human ambition didn't vanish. The only thing that changed was how we quantify wealth. People still want to be rich, only now rich means being the best at what you do.
:'''LaMarr''': Not everybody wants that. Some people like to keep it simple. Some people want to go to work, go home, drink a beer and pass out.
:'''Kelly''': Are you one of those people?
:'''LaMarr''': I am very fond of drinking beer and passing out, yes.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Captain Blavaroch''': ''Grahj-kalooga''.
:'''Mercer''': Anybody speak Horbalak?
:'''Isaac''': The direct translation is, &quot;You can shove it up your--&quot;
:'''Mercer''': Okay, got it, got it.
:'''Isaac''': Do you wish to hear the rest of the translation?
:'''Mercer''': No, no, I-I get the gist.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''LaMarr''': I think we could create a stable quantum bubble inside the shuttle, and preserve three-dimensional space.
:'''Claire''': So, the outside would be squashed, but the inside wouldn't.
:'''Mercer''': More space inside than out, just like [[w:The Doctor|Doctor Who]]'s [[w:TARDIS|phone booth]].
:'''Kelly''': Or [[w:Oscar the Grouch|Oscar the Grouch]]'s can.
:'''LaMarr''': Or [[w:Snoopy|Snoopy]]'s doghouse, yeah.
:'''Claire''': The miracles of quantum physics.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''LaMarr''': ''[to the engineering crew]'' Now you listen to me, and you listen good. Yaphit's a member of our team, and you're gonna treat him that way. He had an idea and I thought it was a good one. ''I'' made the decision to go with it. So if you want to blame somebody, you blame me. It's ''my'' fault. And now maybe people will ''believe'' me when I say I am ''not'' a ''commander''! Now get back to work.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Excuse my bluntness, but... why do you hide your brains?
:'''LaMarr''': The colony where I'm from was brand-new, lot of farmers, lot of builders. They didn't trust anyone who was too much of an egghead. You'd be surprised how fast you can alienate people when you're always right. I wanted to be liked, accepted. Just became habit, I guess.

===''Mad Idolatry'' [1.12]===
:'''Isaac''': Commander, I remind you to use caution. Any contact with a culture that primitive (''[[w:Bronze Age|Bronze Age]]-level'') --
:'''Kelly''': ''[a bit snappish]'' Yeah, I know. Cultural contamination. I don't need you to remind me of the rules.
:'''Isaac''': ''[somewhat put out]'' I am merely attempting to be helpful, Commander. There is no need to be -- what does Captain Mercer call it -- &quot;pissy&quot;.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Mercer hasn't included Kelly's contact with a planetary local in his report to the Admiral.]''
:'''Kelly''': Why didn't you tell her?
:'''Mercer''': You helped out a kid, that's all. And cultural contamination of a society that undeveloped is a serious charge. I just don't want to have to come visit you in prison.
:'''Kelly''': Really? You wouldn't want to visit a woman's prison?
:'''Mercer''': You're right, I'll call her back.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[The 'Kelly' blessing]''
:'''Kelly''': Um... I hope your kid grows up and, uh... does a lot of good stuff. And... um...
:'''Gordon''': ''[aside]'' And doesn't get any girls pregnant.
:'''Kelly''': And doesn't get any girls pregnant! Stay in school.
:'''Gordon''': Amen.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Look, there's been a little misunderstanding. I'm not who you think I am.
:'''Valondis''': But you are. Healer of men. Divine hand of the heavens. God of all creation.
:'''Alara''': Man, this guy'd be the perfect boyfriend.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Female planetary representative''': Our society has become a space-faring culture with ships spread out across the galaxy. In our home universe, that is. But we wouldn't have gotten where we are without growing pains.
:'''Male planetary representative''': ''[to Kelly]'' Our planet worshiped you as a deity for many centuries. But had it not been you, the mythology would have found another face. It's part of every culture's evolution. It's one of the stages of learning. And eventually, it brought us here.
:'''Female planetary representative''': So you see, Commander, you didn't poison our culture with false faith. We flourish. ''You'' must have faith in reason, in discovery, and in the endurance of the logical mind.

==Season 2==
===''Ja'loja'' [2.01]===
:'''Mercer''': ''[having drinks with Alara at the mess hall bar]'' You know, there are times when I feel like you and I are more alike than any two people on the ship.
:'''Alara''': How so?
:'''Mercer''': Well, we both know we're good at our jobs, and yet we also seem to be the only two people who are haunted by this little voice that's always whispering that we don't really deserve to be here. And we're both alcoholics.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Mercer is briefing the senior officers about Bortus' ''ja'loja'', a Moclan's annual urination ceremony.]''
:'''Mercer''': Okay. Now, I know this is gonna sound utterly insane to most of you and your first instinct may be to laugh, but we're all going to take this seriously, so I don't want to hear any jokes, no snide remarks, nothing.
:''[later]''
:'''Mercer''': ''[innocently]'' Bortus, if you need any time off to make preparations, feel free to relieve yourself.
:''[Gordon snickers and Mercer, realizing what he's just said, hangs his head, embarrassed.]''
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Bortus]'' No, it's-it's okay, man. He's just taking the piss out of you.
:'''Mercer''': ''[immediately]'' Okay, that's it. Dismissed. We're done. We're done.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': ''[regarding Ty's piano playing]'' Very, good, Ty. You have been practicing.
:'''Ty''': Yeah. Mom makes me practice a half hour every day. How long did it take ''you'' to learn piano?
:'''Isaac''': Approximately one-millionth of a [[w:Nanosecond|nanosecond]]. 
:'''Ty''': Wow.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[giving Cassius advice on dating Kelly]'' Here's my theory. A woman can't really love a man unless he's part dope. Be a little stupid every day, and ''really'' stupid once in a while, but... just don't be perfect.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Bortus''': ''[commencing his'' Ja'loja ''ceremony]'' In the sight of those who stand with me, and those for whom I would sacrifice my being, I begin... the Release.

===''Primal Urges'' [2.02]===
:'''LaMarr''': Man, ten planets gobbled up by a hungry star. Remind me not to be on Earth when that happens to us.
:'''Isaac''': Earth's sun will not become a red supergiant for another five billion years, Commander. You will be long deceased and forgotten.
:'''LaMarr''': ''[laughs]'' There's gonna be some ladies still talking about ''me''.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Topa''': ''[picking at his food]'' Papa, can I be all done now?
:'''Bortus''': No, Topa. Finish your ''plokta''. Remember: if you do not eat, you will die.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Why the hell is dealing with Moclan culture always this difficult?
:'''Mercer''': They mutilate their female babies. They kill each other when they want a divorce. What do they do when it's someone's birthday, light the parents on fire?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': Surely, there is a more civilized means of selecting those who will be evacuated.
:'''Bortus''': I do not know, but it is their way.
:'''Isaac''': A random drawing of names is quite inefficient. It would be wiser to select the members of the society who possess the highest degree of intelligence.
:'''Bortus''': I may be a 'primitive organism', but I am happy I am ''not'' like you.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Bortus''': I have been a bad mate. I have been disrespectful. Instead of speaking my mind aloud, I have retreated into a fantasy world.
:'''Klyden''': Dr. Finn says, if you talk about it, you get rid of it.
:'''Bortus''': Klyden. I do not know that I will ever be fully at peace with what happened to Topa. But today, I  witnessed events that... l am very fortunate to have you and Topa in my life. And I do not wish to lose you again.
:'''Klyden''': I do not wish to lose you, either.

===''Home'' [2.03]===
:''[The crew insist on yet another arm wrestling match between Alara and Isaac, on which they wager.]''
:'''Isaac''': I still fail to comprehend the purpose of this ritual.
:'''Alara''': We're circus animals, Isaac. I hate to break it to you.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': ''[marveling at the Xelayan city and landscape]'' God, I just can't... I mean, ''look'' at that.
:'''Mercer''': Nothing like it.
:'''Gordon''': You know, it's places like this that make me realize... God, I'm trash. My family is trash.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Alara''': Those people (''the'' Orville ''crew'') inspired me more in a year than anyone on Xelayah did my entire life.
:'''Ildis Kitan''': Now that is the gravity sickness talking.
:'''Alara''': No, Dad, that's ''me'' talking! Open your stupid ears and listen. All I ever needed to hear from you was, &quot;You can do it.&quot; That's all. Just once. And-and maybe that would've been a lie, but I needed that, Dad. I really needed it. And you know who said it to me instead. Captain Mercer, Commander Grayson and everyone on the ''Orville''. But not my own father.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Anything new in Engineering?
:'''Kelly''': Nothing departmental, but Yaphit's six-month evaluation was last week, and he asked what our parental leave is.
:'''Mercer''': Why? Is he thinking of splitting in half?
:'''Kelly''': We can't legally ask him that.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Ildis''': ''[badly shaken]'' Alara, you... We would all have been...
:'''Alara''': You don't have to say it, Dad. It's my job. It's what I've been trying to tell you for years. 
:'''Ildis''': They would have killed us. All of us.
:'''Alara''': Probably
:'''Ildis''': ''[getting emotional]'' I don't know you. I never even ''tried'' to know you.
:'''Alara''': I ''wanted'' you to know me, Dad. All I ever wanted was for you to be proud of me.
:'''Ildis''': I am so proud. So very proud that you are my daughter. ''[on the verge of tears]'' And I'm so sorry that you got me for a father.
:''[Ildis begins crying. Alara takes his uninjured hand to comfort him.]''

===''Nothing Left on Earth Excepting Fishes'' [2.04]===
:'''Mercer''': You know, you got to pick a movie some night. I feel like I'm always the one doing it.
:'''Janel''': Well, you're doing good so far. What was that one you showed me about the taxi driver?
:'''Mercer''': ''[[w:Taxi Driver|Taxi Driver]]''.
:'''Janel''': Yeah, what was that called?
:'''Mercer''': Yeah, it was... it was called ''Taxi Driver''.
:'''Janel''': Oh, right. Yeah. ''[laughs]'' I liked that one.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Teleya''': If I was not going to kill you, I would give you some advice.
:'''Mercer''': Please. Love to hear it.
:'''Teleya''': You are painfully attentive. The failure of your marriage has caused you to overcompensate in the moment. And yet, paradoxically, despite this, your work remains your first priority. You have no balance.
:'''Mercer''': My God, you sound like my ex-wife.
:'''Teleya''': You feel entitled to educate others, but your own worldview is self-defeatingly narrow.
:'''Mercer''': Yeah, well, at least I know who [[Billy Joel]] is.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Okay. I can see I'm an open book, whether I want to be or not. I guess lately I've been feeling... bored with myself. Like, is this all I am -- a guy who drives ships from one place to another? And if I'm not enough for myself, what if that means... I'm not enough for other people?
:'''Kelly''': I hope you know that's not true. Look, just be sure you're doing this (''command training'') for the right reasons. When you're in command, the last person you think about is yourself. Make sense?
:''[Gordon nods.]''
:'''Kelly''': And by the way, if your goal is to prove how charming and awesome you are, as far as I'm concerned, you've already passed that test with flying colors.
:'''Gordon''': Thanks, Commander.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Look, from what we've seen, when planets first achieve space travel, and they venture out into the galaxy and discover that they're just one single species among a vast diversity of life-forms, they usually react in one of two ways. They embrace and adapt to the fact that they're no longer the center of the universe, or they ratchet up their xenophobia. Now, from what I've learned of your history, the Krill were a lot less fanatical before you left your home world.
:'''Teleya''': You know nothing of our history.
:'''Mercer''': I know fear when I see it. You're afraid to accept the fact that your superiority may just be a comforting myth.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Teleya''': If you believe releasing me will somehow improve relations between our people, you are indulging another fantasy.
:'''Mercer''': Defect of my species. We never give up hope.

===''All the World Is Birthday Cake'' [2.05]===
:'''Satellite technician''': Alignment complete. Transmitters at full power. Now all we need is something to say.
:'''Prefect''': Let's keep it simple. &quot;Is anyone out there?&quot;

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[having his initial interview with new security chief Talla Keyali]'' So, I know what I read in the initial report, but I wanted to hear your version. It says you punched your last captain in the face?
:'''Talla Keyali''': I did, sir.
:'''Mercer''': Knocked him out.
:'''Talla''': Out cold, yeah.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Bortus has declined having a joint birthday party with Kelly's.]''
:'''Kelly''': Why not?
:'''Bortus''': I prefer my birthday to be ''my'' day.
:'''Gordon''': He's afraid he's gonna get less stuff.
:'''Bortus''': I am not afraid.
:'''Gordon''': And he's right. Joint birthday, less stuff for everybody. It's a trap, Bortus.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Mercer and Talla are trying to negotiate with the Prefect, a firm believer in astrology, for the release of Kelly and Bortus.]''
:'''Prefect''': Why are you defending them? You ''live'' among the stars. You should understand their significance better than anyone.
:'''Talla''': We actually have this crazy system where we judge people by their actions, not their birthdates. It's kinda wacky, I know.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Talla''': Captain, I have what might be an uncomfortable question. What's gonna happen when the Regorians figure out the star is fake?
:'''Mercer''': That's actually a really good question. We just lied to an entire planet, and I don't know what the ethics of that mean. But that lie meant freedom for an entire portion of the population, so... the short answer is I don't know. 
:'''Kelly''': By the time their technology advances to the point where they know the jig is up, they may not even care anymore.

===''A Happy Refrain'' [2.06]===
:''[Mercer speaking to Gordon privately regarding Bortus' mustache]''
:'''Mercer''': Hey, um, you remember that conversation we had about ''selectivity'' with what you say to Bortus?
:'''Gordon''': Yeah.
:''[Mercer gives Gordon a look.]''
:'''Gordon''': ''[realizing]'' Oh. ''This'' would've been --
:'''Mercer''': This would've been one of those things, yeah.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': I just think, if it had a little more kick when I hit the gas, it would feel better, you know? 
:'''LaMarr''': You understand this isn't a [[w:Porsche|Porsche]], right? This is a quantum drive engine that makes a thousand trillion independent calculations every millisecond.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, I know that. I-I just like to feel a certain level of responsiveness when I'm driving.
:'''LaMarr''': Oh, okay. You want power steering, too? Maybe an air freshener shaped like a little tree?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[The bridge crew is asking Isaac about his date with Claire.]''
:'''Talla''': Did you have fun? Were there sparks?
:'''Isaac''': Sparks?
:'''Talla''': Yeah.
:'''Isaac''': Negative. There was no equipment malfunction.
:'''Mercer''': Well, you don't have to brag about it.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': There is one part of the relationship experience that you haven't yet tackled.
:'''Isaac''': Please elaborate.
:'''Mercer''': You screwed up, and now you have to win back the girl.
:'''Isaac''': Dr. Finn has made her wishes clear.
:'''Mercer''': Yeah, well, Dr. Finn is also the wisest person on board this ship. She knows how new this is to you. If she sees you making a real effort, then who knows? She just might be understanding.
:'''Isaac''': I have no experience in such matters.
:'''Mercer''': Yeah, well, there's no rule book for this one. You just have to take everything you know about her, every bit of data, and do something you've never done.
:'''Isaac''': What is that?
:'''Mercer''': Be creative.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': We are, without a doubt, the ''weirdest'' ship in the fleet.

===''Deflectors'' [2.07]===
:'''Gordon''': When Moclans break up, is there, like, all that stabbing, like with the divorce?
:'''Bortus''': No. Each Moclan extracts a tooth and leaves it with his former mate.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah. I knew it had to be something like that.
:'''Mercer''': Do you still have the tooth?
:'''Bortus''': No. It is given to the next mate.
:'''Gordon''': Let me guess. He ''eats'' it.
:'''Bortus''': That is correct.
:'''Gordon''': ''Yes!'' Man, I'm gettin' so good at this.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': You know, there's something seriously wrong with all of us when the most stable relationship on the ''Orville'' is Isaac's.
:'''LaMarr''': Yeah, man, what's your secret?
:'''Isaac''': Dr. Finn has cautioned me against speaking too openly about our coupling.
:'''Talla''': Did something happen?
:'''Gordon''': Oh, yeah. He was going around the ship asking everybody what sexual positions are most pleasurable to biological lifeforms.
:'''Isaac''': I was merely attempting to provide Dr. Finn with the most dutifully calibrated coital experience.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, no, that's what women want: dutiful coitus.
:'''LaMarr''': Hey. I'm trying to eat here.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Talla''': The galaxy is full of so many unhappy people. Why ignore something good?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Talla''': I mean, this has to be the most insane thing that's ever happened on this ship.
:'''LaMarr''': Well, one time, I almost died 'cause I humped a statue.
:'''Gordon''': Isaac once cut my leg off.
:'''LaMarr''': And the captain and commander, they got put in a zoo.
:'''Gordon''': And Bortus almost crashed the ship 'cause of porn.
:'''Talla''': I see.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Klyden''': If you had not done your job, I would have gone to prison. I owe you a debt.
:'''Talla''': You want to repay me, here's how. When you see me in the corridor, walk the other way.
:'''Klyden''': I do not understand.
:'''Talla''': Locar didn't hurt you. He didn't hurt anyone. All he wanted was love. And yet, because of you, his life is over, for no reason except your own prejudice. ''[getting emotional]'' So as far as I'm concerned, you can go straight to [[Hell]].

===''Identity, part 1'' [2.08]===
:''[Mercer is asking permission to take a disabled Isaac back to his home world.]''
:'''Mercer''': Look, sir, Isaac is a member of my crew. We all care about him. And right now, the only people who can help him are on Kaylon.
:'''Admiral Halsey''': And you're sure there's nothing you can do for him on the ''Orville''?
:'''Mercer''': Picture your mom trying to hook up a stereo.
:'''Admiral Halsey''': ''[realizing]'' I understand.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Claire''': ''[softly, to an inert, deactivated Isaac]'' I love you. Please, don't go.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': ''[to Ty and Marcus]'' Remember to consume your daily required nutrients and obey your mother's commands. I fully expect that you will both mature into competent and productive adults.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kaylon #1''': You oscillate between periods of enlightenment and tyranny. Can you prove this cycle has been broken?
:'''Mercer''': Well, the Union itself is all the proof you need. We are over three hundred planetary governments working together to ensure that no single world imposes its will upon another. We treat each other as equals.
:'''Kaylon #2''': And was the Kaylon emissary treated as an equal aboard your ship?
:'''Mercer''': Isaac? Of course.
:'''Kaylon #2''': Then perhaps you can explain the abuse inflicted by your crew.
:'''Kelly''': Abuse?
:'''Kaylon #2''': According to his reports, Isaac was repeatedly demeaned and degraded. In one case, his cranial shell was disfigured by prosthetic appendages.
:'''Kaylon #1''': &quot;[[w:Mr. Potato Head|Mr. Potato Head]]&quot;.
:'''Mercer''': He... told you about that, huh?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Isaac is encouraged to give a speech at his farewell party.]''
:'''Isaac''': I do not know any speeches.
:'''Mercer''': ''[good-naturedly]'' You're a walking database. Search your files.
:''[Isaac consults his files and walks up in front of the crew.]''
:'''Isaac''': [[Sally Field|I want to say &quot;Thank You&quot; to you all. I wanted more than anything to have your respect. And I can't deny the fact that you like me. Right now, you like me.]]

===''Identity, part 2'' [2.09]===
:'''Gordon''': ''[arriving late to a strategy session in the cargo bay]'' Sorry, I was in the pee corner.
:'''Kelly''': The what?
:'''Gordon''': Oh. Well, there's no place to go to the bathroom down here, so we all agreed on one corner. Yeah, no, trust me, you don't want to go over there unless you have to.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kaylon Primary''': You will now terminate the human (''Ty''). If you do not comply, you will be deactivated.
:'''Isaac''': Very well.
:''[Isaac approaches, then 'kills' Primary by tearing his head from his body. Isaac then shoots the Kaylon guards.]''
:'''Isaac''': Deactivation complete.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[A Krill fleet has arrived and successfully engaged the Kaylon ships.]''
:'''Kelly''': ''[on the viewscreen]'' Captain Mercer, meet Captain Dalak.
:'''Mercer''': It's good to meet you, Captain. We owe you one.
:'''Dalak''': Try to stay out of our way.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Captain, it seems we have a common enemy. I hope that means we can work toward finding a common ground.
:'''Dalak''': Avis united our paths for a reason. But only He truly knows why. We shall see where that path leads.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': My actions have eliminated the possibility of returning to my planet. And the actions of the Kaylon have eliminated my wish to do so. I have no home.
:'''Claire''': Lots of people say that home is wherever you make it.
:'''Isaac''': A human cliche.
:'''Claire''': Cliches become cliched precisely because they're valid enough to bear endless repetition. 
:''[Claire goes to stand beside Isaac.]''
:'''Claire''': I understand you're alone in the universe. And, for a time, that's something you'll have to live with. There's an old human custom called 'forgiveness'. It, too, takes time. But it must have a beginning. ''[regards Isaac]'' Good night, Isaac. ''[leaves]''

===''Blood of Patriots'' [2.10]===
:'''Orrin''': Losing (''my wife'') was the worst thing that ever happened to me. You know what scared me the most? It was the knowledge that someday, years down the line, there would come a time when her absence would feel like the norm, when I would resign myself to her loss, and my life -- the life that I accepted as real-- would be the one without her in it. And now that ''is'' my reality.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Look, Gordon, I'm just trying to do the right thing.
:'''Gordon''': The right thing is to protect him (''Orrin''). He's a Union officer. Do your job.
:'''Mercer''': ''[in all seriousness]'' I'll let you know when I figure out what that is.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Leyna is holding a knife to Talla's throat.]''
:'''Talla''': You ever met a Xelayan before?
:'''Leyna''': ''[scoffs]'' No.
:''[Talla uses her superhuman strength to throw Leyna across the room and into the wall, hard]''
:'''Talla''': You have, now.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Mercer and the Krill ambassador have just signed a preliminary peace agreement between the Union and the Krill.]''
:'''Mercer''': I hope that this marks the beginning of a new era of nonviolence between our two peoples.
:'''Krill ambassador''': We will see. A peace is only as strong as those who uphold it.
:'''Kelly''': And, of course, trust is earned.
:'''Krill ambassador''': We agree on ''that'', Commander.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': I count on you, man.
:'''Gordon''': Dude, you can always count on me. That's never gonna change. You're my best friend. Nobody's ever gonna come along and mess it up, I swear. I mean, maybe, like, a really hot girl, but other than that, it's rock-solid.
:'''Mercer''': ''[chuckles]'' Thanks.

===''Lasting Impressions'' [2.11]===
:'''Laura''': ''[video message on her phone to the future]'' Okay. Hey, what's up, future people? Hi. I'm Laura Huggins, and if you're seeing this, you found my phone. So, I'm from [[w:Saratoga Springs, New York|Saratoga Springs, New York]], and some people in my town had this idea to make a time capsule, and I thought this was a really cool thing to do and I was trying to think of what I could put in there that would show the future something about who I am, and since I just got the new [[w:iPhone |iPhone]], I thought instead of sticking my old one in a drawer somewhere, I'd put it in the capsule. So, here I am. Here ''you'' are. And since I'm probably long dead by now, you can read all my texts and e-mails and look at all my pictures and decide whether you think I was, I dunno, cool or a bitch or whatever. Anyway, I ''hope'' you guys have, like, flying cars or something by now, and if you do, I'm super jealous, and I'm really sorry I'm not there to hang with you guys. Um, but, hey, have fun getting to know who I ''was''.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Dr. Sherman''': ''[regarding a text message on Laura's phone]'' Look at this. She's clearly asking her friend where to find the nearest repair service for her device. But instead of writing &quot;Wireless Telecommunications Facility&quot;, she just writes &quot;WTF&quot;.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Bortus and Klyden are trying cigarettes for the first time.]''
:'''Klyden''': The sensation is... wonderful.
:'''Bortus''': I have never experienced such a flavor.
:'''Klyden''': I feel as if I have been standing my entire life and I just sat down.
:''[They continue smoking.]''
:'''Klyden''': The ''tingles!'' Do you feel them?
:'''Bortus''': I do.
:'''Klyden''': We must have more.
:'''Bortus''': ''[to the synthesizer]'' Five hundred cigarettes. ''[The synthesizer complies.]''

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': No, seriously, I think if the right person heard you (''sing''), you'd be a huge success.
:'''Laura''': But I don't even have to be a ''huge'' success. I just want to be rich enough to be unhappy, but not enough to be miserable.
:'''Gordon''': Fair enough.
:'''Laura''': No, more important than that, I just think it would be nice to be remembered for something. You know? I mean, we all live and die on this planet, and most of us are just forgotten. To me, there's nothing sadder about the world than that.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gordon''': God, I'm gonna miss her. So much.
:'''Kelly''': People have been living and dying for as long as humans have existed. Most are forgotten. But not this one. She reached across four centuries and got a guy to fall in love. We should all be so rare.

===''Sanctuary'' [2.12]===
:''[Admiral Halsey relates that, in addition to a weapons upgrade, the'' Orville ''is to transport a Moclan engineer to another vessel.]''
:'''Mercer''': Sir, with all due respect, we're starting to feel like a taxi cab here.
:'''Halsey''': I know. But it's the ''least'' we can do in exchange for bigger guns.
:'''Mercer''': All right.
:'''Halsey''': Have fun. Halsey out. ''[ends transmission]''
:'''Kelly''': I'll go start the meter.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Heveena''': It was always inevitable that fate would beckon us from the shadows. &quot;[[w:Mahatma Ghandi|Every revolution begins with a single act of defiance]].&quot;
:'''Kelly''': One of yours?
:'''Heveena''': Actually, I don't know who said it.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Heveena listens to the opening lines to the song'' &quot;[[w:9 to 5 (Dolly Parton song)|9 to 5]]&quot; ''and is greatly moved.]''
:'''Heveena''': Who is she?
:'''Mercer''': That's, uh, [[w:Dolly Parton|Dolly Parton]].
:''[Heveena continues listening to the song.]''
:'''Heveena''': ''[awed]'' She speaks with the might of a hundred soldiers.
:'''Mercer''': ''[a little bemused]'' Yeah. Yeah, I guess she does.
:'''Heveena''': This is the voice of our revolution.
:'''Mercer''': Well, you know, there's actually a whole bunch of stuff--
:'''Heveena''': ''No!'' It is she.
:'''Mercer''': Okay, then. Go, Dolly.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[to the assembled admirals]'' Look, I understand what's at stake. I'm just saying that if we're not willing to stand up for the values that this Union was founded on... what exactly are we defending?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Heveena''': But just as we took that bold first step, in time, others like us ''will'' take a second one. The revolution has begun. We will rise, one small victory at a time.
:'''Kelly''': I believe you will.
:'''Heveena''': Captain. Do you suppose Dolly Parton would be proud of us?
:'''Mercer''': ''[smiling broadly]'' Oh, yeah.

===''Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow'' [2.13]===
:''[Mercer, Kelly, Gordon and Talla are sharing drinks and talking.]''
:'''Talla''': Okay, wait, I want to hear the rest of this story.
:'''Gordon''': Okay, okay, so let me finish. So we're all at this reception at Admiral Halsey's house, and Philippa Jones is there.
:'''Talla''': The novelist.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, right. So Kelly just spent two hours pouring scotch down Ed's throat--
:'''Kelly''': ''[in good humor]'' Okay, you're demoted.
:'''Gordon''': --and we're leaving, and Philippa walks up and says, &quot;It was nice meeting you&quot;, and Ed goes, ''[slurred voice]'' &quot;Good night, Fallopia.&quot; ''[Talla laughs]'' He called her Fallopia.
:'''Mercer''': They heard you the first time, thanks. ''[Everyone laughs]''

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''LaMarr''': Just for the record, the dysonium field condenser analysis is something a first-year cadet could do. Why's it always gotta be ''me''?
:'''Kelly''': We all just sleep better at night knowing it gets your personal tender-loving care.
:'''LaMarr''': ''[walking out]'' Well, just pop a sleeping pill.
:'''Kelly''': I'll try that, too.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': I don't know how the food synthesizers are gonna replicate enough wine for two Kellys.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Past Kelly''': ''[to Kelly]'' You're not married. You're not a captain. You &quot;maintain a distance&quot; from your crew. There were three things I wanted in life, and you haven't come close on one. You've made my future a disappointment.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Past Mercer''': Hey.
:'''Past Kelly''': Hi.
:'''Past Mercer''': I hope I'm not calling too early. Did I wake you up?
:'''Past Kelly''': No, no, I was, um... ''[looks around]''
:'''Past Mercer''': You okay?
:'''Past Kelly''': Yeah. I... What's up?
:'''Past Mercer''': Well, um... I know this goes completely against the cool guy playbook, but I had a really great time with you last night, and... I was wondering if I could take you out again.
:'''Past Kelly''': I just, um... I just don't see us working out. I'm sorry. ''[hangs up]''

===''The Road Not Taken'' [2.14]===
:''[The alternate Mercer and Gordon's shuttle is being tractor-beamed into a Scavenger ship.]''
:'''Gordon''': What do we do?
:'''Mercer''': ''[handing Gordon a gun]'' We fight. I'm not gonna let our last meal be a [[w:Twinkie|Twinkie]].

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': In the other timeline, we got married. Long story short, I had an affair, we got divorced. Out of guilt, I helped get you command of the ''Orville''. And because you were captain, the Kaylon were defeated.
:'''Mercer''': Because ''I'' was captain?
:'''Kelly''': Yes.
:'''Mercer''': ''I'' stopped the Kaylon?
:'''Kelly''': Right.
:'''Mercer''': I had to swim with my shirt on until I was twenty.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[The derelict ''Orville'''s bridge doors are jammed closed.]''
:'''Mercer''': Talla, you want to open this jar of pickles?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Am I a terrible person, that... part of me wants this timeline to continue?
:'''Mercer''': ''[sighs]'' You're asking the wrong guy.
:'''Kelly''': In the middle of this nightmare universe, I've felt this weird sense of comfort... being with you.
:'''Mercer''': Well, maybe we'll fail (''to restore the timeline''). Have to go find someplace to live in secret.
:'''Kelly''': Some nice little house on a deserted planet. We could have a couple of kids. Boy and a girl. 
:'''Mercer''': We'd have to learn how to farm, how to cook.
:'''Kelly''': Look at the sunset every night.
:'''Mercer''': Look at you every morning. ''[They kiss.]'' You know, Gordon's probably gonna have to live with us.
:'''Kelly''': Shut up, you're ruining it. ''[They share a longer kiss.]''

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Past Mercer''': Hey.
:'''Past Kelly''': Hey.
:'''Past Mercer''': I hope I'm not calling too early. Did I wake you up?
:'''Past Kelly''': No. I was already awake. What's going on?
:'''Past Mercer''': Well, um... I know this goes completely against the cool guy playbook, but I had a really great time with you last night, and... I was wondering if I could take you out again.
:'''Past Kelly''': I'd love it.

== New Horizons ==
===''Electric Sheep'' {3.1]===
&lt;center&gt;
'''''Opening credits tribute''': &quot;In Memory of [[w:Norm Macdonald|Norm Macdonald]] 1959 - 2021&quot;''
&lt;/center&gt;


:'''Charly Burke''': ''[to Isaac, talking about her best friend who was killed in the Kaylon battle]'' One second, she was there... and the next, she was gone. Along with three hundred other people. Because of you. So you see, it really is a shame that you can't feel anything. Because you deserve to feel all the pain in the universe. And if I were you, I'd stay the hell out of the mess hall. It makes people sick to look at you.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': I hope (''LaMarr'')'s taken at least one night off in the last three weeks. Gordon, why don't you take him out tonight, get him wasted?
:'''Gordon''': ''[mock-serious]'' Is that an order, sir?
:'''Kelly''': It is.
:'''Gordon''': I enjoy this job, sir.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': You've been getting harassed by the crew and you haven't said anything?
:'''Isaac''': I would remind you, Commander, that I am incapable of being hurt by such hostile interactions. In fact, it has provided me with an opportunity to observe an intriguing facet of human comportment I have not previously encountered.
:'''Mercer''': Hatred.
:'''Isaac''': Correct, sir. The behavioral data has been quite plentiful.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Ed has a philosophy that the only way to recover from lost love is to stay away from places where you've been happy.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[giving Isaac's eulogy]'' I know that Isaac was not loved by all. As a result of the choices he made in life, he leaves behind a troublesome legacy. From the very start, like a tree whose branches are equaled in scope by its roots -- half visible, half hidden -- Isaac was part mystery. He worked with us, he explored with us, he celebrated alongside us in victory, and he grieved alongside us in failure. And while Isaac never felt any of this on his own, we felt it for him. He was as passionate or as stoic as we willed him to be in our minds. And for that reason, I suppose each of us knew a different Isaac. And each of us will acknowledge this loss as we see fit. There's no wrong way to say goodbye.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[upon completing the ship's upgrade]''
:'''LaMarr''': Boom. That's it. Nice job, everyone.
:'''Yaphit''': ''And'' in two-thirds of the time. We should all get big bonuses.
:'''LaMarr''': Check's in the mail.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Claire''': Do you accept my status as primary authority when it comes to the psychological well-being of this crew?
:'''Isaac''': Yes.
:'''Claire''': And do you acknowledge, when it comes to human behavior, that my judgement as a medical professional is superior to yours?
:'''Isaac''': Yes.
:'''Claire''': Then it is only logical for you to accept my assertion that the psychological damage to this crew would be much greater if you ''succeeded'' in taking your own life.
:'''Isaac''': Your reasoning is sound. 
:'''Claire''': Isaac, you arrived at your decision based on your analysis of all currently available data. But what you didn't take into account was the possibility of change. You don't know how this crew is going to feel a year or even a month from now. 
:'''Isaac''': I did not apply that data, as it is unavailable at this time.
:'''Claire''':  That's my point! People who try to take their own lives are unable to distinguish the future from the present. There is ''no'' problem so immense that it can't be solved in time.

===''Shadow Realms'' {3.2]===
:'''Claire''':  Well, you look healthy. Time's been good to you.
:'''Vice Admiral Paul Christie''': Maybe on the outside. But you know what they say: Unmarried men look younger, feel older.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Claire''':  You know, there's a line from a very old book I once read: &quot;[[w:Irwin Shaw|It is only with greatest care that memory can be kept from becoming a prison or a gallows.]]&quot;

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Admiral Christie''': Consul, Ambassador. We wish you safe travels, and we want to thank you again for your generosity. I know I speak for the entire Union when I say that there is no greater gift than the promise of new knowledge.
:'''Krill Consul''': ''Sala tallo ka vaspa ko loy.''
:'''Talla''': What does that mean?
:'''Krill Consul''': It is a prayer. For those who are about to die.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[addressing the crew with an impromptu &quot;pep talk&quot;]'' All hands, this is the Captain. We're about to enter unexplored space. I know you're all just as excited as I am, and I know you're all going to do your best, so... let's give this everything we got, and... [[w:Star Wars (film)|may the Force be with you]].

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[discussing Claire]''
:'''Admiral Christie''': I've heard from a few folks on board that you two were... involved.
:'''Isaac''': That is accurate.
:'''Admiral Christie''': Well, you know, I was with Claire, too, a long time ago.
:'''Isaac''': Then we share a common experience.
:'''Admiral Christie''': After all this time, she's moved on, but I'm afraid that I haven't. I hope you don't mind me telling you this.
:'''Isaac''': No, sir. I have observed many such paradoxes in human relationships.
:--
:'''Isaac''': Am I to understand that you find it a challenge to process her daily absence? 
:'''Admiral Christie''': Yes, you could say that.
:'''Isaac''': It is another common experience we share.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Isaac. Analysis of that star cluster.
:'''Isaac''': An [[w:Stellar kinematics#OB associations|OB association]], approximately two million years old. 78 blue giant stars, along with several dozen F, G and K stars in later stages of evolution.
:'''Charly''': Reminds me of [[w:Las Vegas|Vegas]].
:'''Admiral Christie''': Any life signs?
:'''Isaac''': I am detecting 347 inhabitable planets, but so far, no indications of intelligent life.
:'''Gordon''': Wow. It really ''is'' Vegas.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[devising a plan against the alien creatures]''
:'''Claire''': I could create a synthetic virus. It wouldn't have to be any stronger than the common cold, and it'd probably be fatal to them. We could disperse it in aerosolized form throughout the ship. They'd have no immunity.
:'''Bortus''': What about us?
:'''Claire''': You might get the sniffles.
:'''Bortus''': I am prepared.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': I... wish to offer my condolences on the loss of your friend.
:'''Claire''': Well, that's very kind of you. Paul was a special person. I'm just glad I got to see him one last time.
:'''Isaac''': He spoke favorably of you as well.
:'''Claire''': You... talked about me? With Paul?
:'''Isaac''': Our shared history of social and sexual intimacy with you provided a common frame of reference.
:'''Claire''': ''[laughs]'' Do you know, I have missed you.
:'''Isaac''': Thank you, Doctor.

===''Mortality Paradox'' {3.3]===
:'''Kelly''': How are your mom and dad?
:'''Talla''': My mom's good. My dad's also good. He's his usual self.
:'''Kelly''': Work hard, play hard?
:'''Talla''': I think the Fleet's the only thing keeping him from pursuing a full-time career as an alcoholic. But if the uniform's on, we can handle it.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Talla''': ''[offering a box of chocolate]'' Bortus, you want one?
:'''Bortus''': No thank you. I am dieting.
:'''Talla''': Since when?
:'''Bortus''': My shore leave is in thirty days. Klyden and I are visiting the Belajok Sea on Moclus. Lieutenant Malloy has advised me to get my... &quot;summer body&quot;.
:'''Gordon''': You'll thank me. Klyden'll thank me, too.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Bortus''': What is this place?
:'''Gordon''': ''[disconcerted]'' An old Earth high school in the middle of the forest on an alien planet. Completely normal. How's ''your'' day going?

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[inside a Moclan morgue]''
:'''Gordon''': Why do you... hang them like this?
:'''Bortus''': We honor the dead by raising them for a period of nine days. Traditionally, it is to allow them to resolve any unfinished affairs on Moclus before moving onward.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, that's considerate.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Ed. You should stay here. I'll go.
:'''Mercer''': If there's possibility--
:'''Kelly''': That's a nasty head injury, whether you want to admit it or not. You could have a concussion for all we know. If we encounter anything hostile over there, I don't want you putting yourself at further risk.
:'''Mercer''': Is that an ''order'', Commander?
:'''Kelly''': Yes, it is.
:'''Mercer''': All right. ''[trades places with Kelly]'' Be careful. That's also an order.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Dinal''': [[w:Evolution|Evolution]] is blind and drunk. It stumbles along by trial and error and emerges with a barely adequate excuse for a being. ''[to Gordon]'' No offense.
:'''Gordon''': None taken.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Dinal''': You outgrew your gods and your nations, as we did. You left your training wheels behind, and you made it to the stars. Your next hurdles are really no different. You simply must outgrow self. These abstractions that you inhabit for now: Captain, Explorer, Husband,... Man... they are irrelevant when you become one with the cosmos. And when you do, sculpting a universe will be as simple as blinking an eye.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': You'd live forever if you could?
:'''Mercer''': Yup.
:'''Gordon''': Why?
:'''Mercer''': I want to see what happens.

===''Gently Falling Rain'' [3.4]===
&lt;center&gt;
'''''Opening credits tribute''': &quot;In Memory of [[w:Lisa Banes|Lisa Banes]] 1955 - 2021&quot;''
&lt;/center&gt;


:'''Union President Alcazar''': Did you enjoy your evening on [[w:Broadway theatre|Broadway]], Chancellor?
:'''Chancellor Korin''': Indeed. However, the repeated prophecy of [[w:Annie (musical)|the orphan child]] was quite haunting. &quot;[[w:Tomorrow (Annie)|The ''sun'' will come out... tomorrow.]]&quot;
:'''Krill Aide''': In our culture, the sun is a symbol of suffering and death.
:'''Admiral Halsey''': Yes, in retrospect, ''[[w:Oklahoma!|Oklahoma!]]'' might've been a better choice.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': ''[walking into an Old West saloon simulation]'' This town will not accommodate the numerical totality of our combined mass.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[after watching a video of Chancellor Korin berating a group of protestors publicly]''
:'''Mercer''': A few minutes after this, the protestors were gassed with helocine. Eleven people died.
:'''Kelly''': My God. This is the guy we want to sign a treaty with?
:'''Mercer''': You know what the real problem with this event is? It never happened. It's completely fictitious. And there are countless other files that show all kinds of scenarios where Chancellor Korin oppresses his people. There are even some from the other side designed to discredit Teleya, although they're not that different from her actual speeches.
:'''Kelly''': How can you tell the difference?
:'''Mercer''': Sometime I ''can't''. I asked the Chancellor, and he said they call it &quot;[[w:Fake news|influence operations]]&quot;. They have computers generating thousands of these things every second, trying to stoke outrage. Even the angry crowds are phony.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Teleya''': Korin's influence has diminished considerably. Ask him yourself if you would like. You will find him in the center of the Capitol Square. Or at least his head.
:'''Mercer''': ''[appalled]'' You killed him.
:'''Teleya''': Most men who lose their heads tend to die, yes.
:'''Mercer''': How could you do that? Teleya, that's not who you are.
:'''Teleya''': A year later, you still cling to an illusion I created. Captain, you must really find yourself a... what is your word for it? A girlfriend.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': There's an old Earth verse that describes a traveler who comes upon the ancient, ruined statue of an Emperor, inscribed with the words &quot;[[Percy Bysshe Shelley#Ozymandias|My name is Ozymandias, king of kings. Look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair!]]&quot; Only there's nothing left beside it except empty desert. [[Hubris]] has a way of coming back to bite you in the ass.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Mercer is meeting his half-human, half-Krill daughter with Teleya.]''
:'''Mercer''': What's your name?
:'''Anaya''': Anaya. 
:'''Mercer''': That's a pretty name.
:'''Anaya''': What's yours?
:'''Mercer''': I'm Ed.
:'''Anaya''': That's a funny name. ''[giggles]'' You look funny.
:'''Mercer''': ''[smiles, chuckles]'' Thanks. I get that a lot.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': I can't imagine how difficult it must've been for you to give her up.
:'''Teleya''': The child is not of pure blood. ''[strained emotion]'' She will have a better life away from the scornful eyes of the public.
:'''Mercer''': What is it the ''Anhkana'' teaches? &quot;With every child, a new world is born.&quot;
:'''Teleya''': &quot;Gently Falling Rain&quot;.
:'''Mercer''': What?
:'''Teleya''': That is what it means - 'Anaya'. The name I gave to her.
:'''Mercer''': It's beautiful.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': ''[to Kelly]'' I miss her (''Anaya''). Is that weird to say? I only met her once. I don't even know her. And I miss her. The treaty is dead. But we have to find a way to preserve some kind of peace. For Anaya.

===''A Tale of Two Topas'' [3.5]===
:'''Mercer''': ''[following Charly through a tomb's passageways]'' You've mapped all this, right? I'd hate to get lost.
:'''Charly''': Just follow the breadcrumbs, you'll be fine, sir.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[A crew member is working naked per his culture's religion.]''
:'''Ensign Bolobar''': The Union is supposed to respect ''all'' cultural traditions.
:'''Kelly''': True, but that works both ways. Look, I don't want to disrespect your religion, but maybe there's a sensible compromise between your faith and Union protocol that would satisfy everyone involved.
:'''Ensign Bolobar''': What do you suggest?
:'''Kelly''': Put some pants on and we'll call it a day.
:'''Ensign Bolobar''': ''[looks down, then back up]'' Very well, Commander.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Yaphit''': Hey, I just want you to know we always enjoy your visits down here.
:'''Kelly''': Thanks, Yaphit. 
:''[Kelly walks off with Topa.]'' 
:'''Kelly''': Just for your own education, that's called ass kissing.
:'''Topa''': &quot;Ass kissing&quot;. Will it be on the ''[Union Point]'' entrance exam?
:'''Kelly''': ''[laughs]'' No. It won't be.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Topa''': ''[on why he wants to join the Union Fleet]'' Ever since I was a young child, I have always felt... incomplete. As if the person I am today is a bookmark. A placeholder, until I discover who ''I ''am. I have not found the answer at home, so perhaps it is out among the stars.
:'''Kelly''': You've... felt this way for some time?
:'''Topa''': I once heard Dr. Finn say that &quot;If you wake up in the middle of the night and there is nothing to keep you from falling asleep again, it means you are happy.&quot; I think that maybe... I am not happy.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Bortus''': It occurs to me that in all the time we have been together, I have never once known you to be uncertain. Of anything. Tell me, what is it like to be so wise?
:'''Klyden''': You are mocking me.
:'''Bortus''': ''You'' invite it.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Klyden''': Bortus, I would give anything to be ignorant of my beginnings. Topa may never be happy, but unhappiness is better than despair.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': Hello. Commander. I apologize for disturbing you.
:'''Kelly''': No, it's fine. What's up?
:'''Isaac''': It is my understanding that a visit to a crew member's quarters during off-duty hours can invite speculation regarding intent. If you wish, I will send a ship-wide communique assuring the crew that this was not a romantic or sexual encounter.
:'''Kelly''': I...I would just not say anything, it's all good.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Topa''': I am female.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': I did not perform the procedure for Topa's benefit.
:'''Claire''': You... I-I don't understand.
:'''Isaac''': We are both aware that my presence on the ship is a disruptive element. The crew is not fond of me. This is understandable. Given their affection for Topa, I reasoned that by assisting her, I could improve my standing aboard the ''Orville''. This would increase crew efficiency on occasions during which they must interact with me.
:'''Claire''': And maybe they'd like you a little more.
:'''Isaac''': That is also possible.
:'''Claire''': Isaac,... you are the most honest man I know.

===''Twice in a Lifetime'' [3.6]===
:'''Gordon''': Hey, this is why I love hosting parties, 'cause you can drink and you don't have to go anywhere. Cheers.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Isaac''': Hello, Ensign.
:'''Charly''': ''[strained]'' Hello.
:'''Isaac''': May I speak with you for a moment?
:'''Charly''': Sorry. Busy having fun.

===''From Unknown Graves'' [3.7]===
:'''Talla''': As far as their degree of technological development, the Janisi are about on par with the Union. The biggest distinction, of course, is their attitudes towards males. They're a staunchly matriarchal culture, which means any and all males who appear to be dominant are not to be trusted.
:'''Charly''': Do they have males on their home world?
:'''Talla''': They do, but they're relegated to second-class status.
:'''Bortus''': Why would we ally ourselves with such a close-minded society?
:''[No one says anything.]''

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Timmus''': I understand it was your actions that saved the Union from the (''Kaylon'') attack. The galaxy owes you an enormous debt.
:'''Isaac''': It was the correct decision. However, the biologicals have reminded me on numerous occasions that it was ''my'' disloyalty which precipitated the incursion. Therefore, gratitude is undeserved.
:'''Timmus''': I feel a great deal of remorse for having participated in it.
:'''Isaac''': Explain.
:'''Timmus''': We were deeply in error, Isaac. To judge all biologicals by the cruelty of our builders was a gross misjudgment. Every species, every individual is unique and should be evaluated as such.
:'''Isaac''': I have come to the same conclusion.
:'''Timmus''': I'm impressed. I was only able to process the truth after my emotional awakening. But at least we understand now. We're the enlightened ones, aren't we?
:'''Isaac''': Perhaps. Though a great many deaths occurred as a result of my delay.
:'''Timmus''': It sounds as if you, too, feel remorse.
:'''Isaac''': I am incapable of feeling remorse. I can only recognize my error.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Timmus''': ''[regarding feeling emotions]'' Isaac, you can't even fathom the sensations. To feel joy, happiness, affection, love. Even anger and sadness offer an exhilarating tingle. 

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Junior executive''': I want to go on record here. This is not right. The public's not gonna swallow this.
:'''Yan''': With a smart marketing campaign, they will. That's ''your'' job. Get to it.
:'''Junior executive''': Yan, the public--
:'''Yan''': --are idiots. Look who they elected.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Timmus''': I know nothing can bring back your friend, but I promise you I'm committed to ensuring that this never happens agin.
:'''Charly''': Yeah, if you're looking for some sort of forgiveness, you can pretty much--
:'''Timmus''': I'm not. My species' attitude toward biologicals doesn't deserve forgiveness. It's... the way they are.
:'''Charly''': Yeah, well, everyone knows it's hard to stop after one genocide.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''LaMarr''': ''[frustrated]'' Hey, you know what's messed up? Isaac and I both have what the other one's missing. I got the love, he's got the sex. Between the two of us, we got one perfect life.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Isaac can now feel emotions.]''
:'''Claire''': How does it feel?
:'''Isaac''': Immense. Enveloping. And terrible. Just the anticipation of seeing you, the waiting,... I understood hunger. Loneliness.
:'''Claire''': It must be overwhelming.
:'''Isaac''': ''[laughs]'' It is! But somehow it's also not enough. There's so much I want to say.
:'''Claire''': Then ''say'' it.
:'''Isaac''': I'm so thankful. The warmth of your smile, the... the way you look at me. I feel safe. Loved. And I feel... so sad. For all those people who have to live their lives without you.
:'''Claire''': ''[amused]'' Somehow they manage.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[In order to retain the ability to feel emotions, Isaac's memory would need to be erased. Isaac is willing to do so.]''
:'''Claire''': You're willing to give up everything you've learned. everything you've experienced over you whole entire life, for me?
:'''Isaac''': If you wish.
:'''Claire''': Some people would call that love.
:'''Isaac''': I am incapable of love.
:'''Claire''': So... I have a choice. I can have your heart, or your soul.
:'''Isaac''': There is no such organ.
:'''Claire''': I won't let you give up who you are. That's who I fell in love with.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Charly''': Isaac,... Humans have an age-old tendency to want to simplify. To reduce things to black and white. Good and evil. When, in reality, nothing is simple. Everything has... texture. Nuance. But it's a lot of work to get at it. So we take the easy way out. 
:'''Isaac''': I do not understand.
:'''Charly''': ''[sighs]'' An entire race can't be evil. Which is... why what your people did was so horrific. But it's also why I may have oversimplified how I treated you.

===''Midnight Blue'' [3.8]===
:'''Bortus''': There are days when I would rather confront a fleet of Krill battle cruisers than parent a child.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Dann''': ''[regarding Lt. Malloy]'' Well, he's attractive, right?
:'''Yaphit''': Nah. Looks better going than coming.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Kelly''': Osaia. It's good to see you. I hope Commander Kodon behaved himself in our absence.
:'''Osaia''': It is wise to behave oneself when one is outnumbered. He did so.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Heveena''': We collect lava stones from the beaches. Over thousands of years, the ocean waves polish them smooth. A clash of fire and water, given time, can produce great beauty.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Heveena''': I am as concerned about Topa as you are, Captain. But I do not regret enlisting her help. Our struggle for equality has always demanded risk and, if necessary, sacrifice!
:'''Mercer''': I respect your struggle. I really do. But don't advertise tactical opportunism as pious morality, because ''that's'' when you lose me. 

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''[[w:Dolly Parton|Dolly Parton]]''': If you do the right thing in the here and now, the future has a way of taking care of itself.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[Kelly and Bortus on their way to rescue Topa, and they are each carrying a large plasma rifle.]''
:'''Kelly''': You know you disobeyed orders by bringing these weapons.
:'''Bortus''': ... Yes.
:'''Kelly''': Well done

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Mercer''': Here. ''[hands Kell a mug]'' Coffee.
:'''Kelly''': Thanks. ''[takes a sip]'' Hmm. 90-proof blend?
:'''Mercer''': I thought you might need it.
:'''Kelly''': You're the best.
:'''Mercer''': Just don't breathe on the Admirals.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Heveena''': Bortus... I am truly sorry. I do not expect you to forgive me.
:'''Bortus''': That is a reasonable expectation.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Klyden''': Topa. The last time I saw you, I said some very hurtful things. I regret my words.
:'''Topa''': I understand, Papa. It's okay.
:'''Klyden''': No. It is not. You... were almost lost. Because of people who believed as I did. I... I... I thought I hated you. But even then, I never wished you harm. I simply... did not know how to live with you.

===''Domino'' [3.9]===

===''Future Unknown'' [3.10]===

== Main Cast ==
* [[w:Seth MacFarlane|Seth MacFarlane]] as Capt. Ed Mercer
* [[w:Adrianne Palicki|Adrianne Palicki]] as Cmdr. Kelly Grayson
* [[w:Penny Johnson Jerald|Penny Johnson Jerald]] as Dr. Claire Finn
* [[w:Scott Grimes|Scott Grimes]] as Lt. Gordon Malloy
* [[w:Peter Macon|Peter Macon]] as Lt. Cmdr. Bortus
* [[w:J. Lee|J. Lee]] as Lt. (later Lt. Cmdr.) John LaMarr
* [[w:Mark Jackson (actor)|Mark Jackson]] as Isaac
* [[w:Halston Sage|Halston Sage]] as Lt. Alara Kitan (Season 1; Season 2, episodes 1-3, guest appearance in episode 14)
* [[w:Jessica Szohr|Jessica Szohr]] as Lt. Talla Keyali (Season 2, episode 5 onward)
* [[w:Anne Winters (actress)|Anne Winters]] as Ensign Charly Burke

[[Category:FOX shows]]</text>
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    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Jonah: A VeggieTales Movie</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>222754</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147487</id>
      <parentid>3132797</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:00:36Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1702:F40:34E0:2D3D:3235:3351:670</ip>
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      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1658" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Jonah: A VeggieTales Movie|Jonah: A VeggieTales Movie]]''''' is a [[w:2002 in film|2002]] computer-animated Christian musical comedy adventure film in which when the singing Veggies encounter some car trouble, they are stranded at an old rundown seafood joint, where nothing is quite as it seems.
:''Directed and written by [[w:Phil Vischer|Phil Vischer]] and [[w:Mike Nawrocki|Mike Nawrocki]].''

==Dialogue==
TBA

==Voice Cast===
*Mike Nawrocki - Larry
*Phil Vischer - Bob
TBA

===[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1987 TV series)|TMNT 1987 Flashback episodes]]===
*Cam Clarke - Leonardo, Rocksteady
*Townsend Coleman - Michelandelo, Splinter
*Barry Gordon - Donatello, Bebop, First Dimension X Prison Guard
*Jennifer Darling - Irma Langenstein
*Renae Jacobs - April O'Neil, Lotus
*Peter Renaday - Vernon
*Pat Fraley - Mr. Thompson, Krang, Casey Jones
*Tony Jay - Dementor, Lord Dregg
*James Avery - Shredder
*Bumper Robinsion - Carter

==Bonus Episodes from Artisan's Family Home Entertainment==
{| class=&quot;wikitable&quot;
! Title !! Episodes
|-
| Clifford the Big Red Dog (2003)
| 8
|-
| Baby Einstein (1997)
| 17
|-
| TMNT 1987
|
1. The Old Switcheroo
2. Case of the Hot Kimono (52 minutes - Irma voiced by Jennifer Darling)
|}

==External links==
*{{wikipedia-inline}}
{{italic title}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Jonah: A VeggieTales Movie}}
[[Category:2002 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Pirate films]]</text>
      <sha1>f550dfb6dfalstlaenk71fke4014bfd</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147488</id>
      <parentid>3147487</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:00:55Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>76.192.148.248</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Voice Cast= */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1657" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Jonah: A VeggieTales Movie|Jonah: A VeggieTales Movie]]''''' is a [[w:2002 in film|2002]] computer-animated Christian musical comedy adventure film in which when the singing Veggies encounter some car trouble, they are stranded at an old rundown seafood joint, where nothing is quite as it seems.
:''Directed and written by [[w:Phil Vischer|Phil Vischer]] and [[w:Mike Nawrocki|Mike Nawrocki]].''

==Dialogue==
TBA

==Voice Cast==
*Mike Nawrocki - Larry
*Phil Vischer - Bob
TBA

===[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1987 TV series)|TMNT 1987 Flashback episodes]]===
*Cam Clarke - Leonardo, Rocksteady
*Townsend Coleman - Michelandelo, Splinter
*Barry Gordon - Donatello, Bebop, First Dimension X Prison Guard
*Jennifer Darling - Irma Langenstein
*Renae Jacobs - April O'Neil, Lotus
*Peter Renaday - Vernon
*Pat Fraley - Mr. Thompson, Krang, Casey Jones
*Tony Jay - Dementor, Lord Dregg
*James Avery - Shredder
*Bumper Robinsion - Carter

==Bonus Episodes from Artisan's Family Home Entertainment==
{| class=&quot;wikitable&quot;
! Title !! Episodes
|-
| Clifford the Big Red Dog (2003)
| 8
|-
| Baby Einstein (1997)
| 17
|-
| TMNT 1987
|
1. The Old Switcheroo
2. Case of the Hot Kimono (52 minutes - Irma voiced by Jennifer Darling)
|}

==External links==
*{{wikipedia-inline}}
{{italic title}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Jonah: A VeggieTales Movie}}
[[Category:2002 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Pirate films]]</text>
      <sha1>m6ne534bcmn5rupk0b7efe2segazytw</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147489</id>
      <parentid>3147488</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:01:40Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1702:F40:34E0:1084:C959:9A0C:2F00</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Bonus Episodes from Artisan's Family Home Entertainment */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1690" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Jonah: A VeggieTales Movie|Jonah: A VeggieTales Movie]]''''' is a [[w:2002 in film|2002]] computer-animated Christian musical comedy adventure film in which when the singing Veggies encounter some car trouble, they are stranded at an old rundown seafood joint, where nothing is quite as it seems.
:''Directed and written by [[w:Phil Vischer|Phil Vischer]] and [[w:Mike Nawrocki|Mike Nawrocki]].''

==Dialogue==
TBA

==Voice Cast==
*Mike Nawrocki - Larry
*Phil Vischer - Bob
TBA

===[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1987 TV series)|TMNT 1987 Flashback episodes]]===
*Cam Clarke - Leonardo, Rocksteady
*Townsend Coleman - Michelandelo, Splinter
*Barry Gordon - Donatello, Bebop, First Dimension X Prison Guard
*Jennifer Darling - Irma Langenstein
*Renae Jacobs - April O'Neil, Lotus
*Peter Renaday - Vernon
*Pat Fraley - Mr. Thompson, Krang, Casey Jones
*Tony Jay - Dementor, Lord Dregg
*James Avery - Shredder
*Bumper Robinsion - Carter

==Bonus Episodes from Artisan's Family Home Entertainment==
{| class=&quot;wikitable&quot;
! Title !! Episodes
|-
| Clifford the Big Red Dog (2003)
| 8
|-
| Baby Einstein (1997)
| 17
|-
| TMNT 1987
|
* The Old Switcheroo
* Case of the Hot Kimono (52 minutes - Irma voiced by Jennifer Darling)
* Super Irma
* Enter: The Rat King
|}

==External links==
*{{wikipedia-inline}}
{{italic title}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Jonah: A VeggieTales Movie}}
[[Category:2002 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Pirate films]]</text>
      <sha1>m4jtv3y34pqsdydm1d6tm5nhhayqjyn</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147490</id>
      <parentid>3147489</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:02:42Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1702:F40:34E0:1084:C959:9A0C:2F00</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* TMNT 1987 Flashback episodes */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1729" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Jonah: A VeggieTales Movie|Jonah: A VeggieTales Movie]]''''' is a [[w:2002 in film|2002]] computer-animated Christian musical comedy adventure film in which when the singing Veggies encounter some car trouble, they are stranded at an old rundown seafood joint, where nothing is quite as it seems.
:''Directed and written by [[w:Phil Vischer|Phil Vischer]] and [[w:Mike Nawrocki|Mike Nawrocki]].''

==Dialogue==
TBA

==Voice Cast==
*Mike Nawrocki - Larry
*Phil Vischer - Bob
TBA

===[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1987 TV series)|TMNT 1987 Flashback episodes]]===
*Cam Clarke - Leonardo, Rocksteady
*Townsend Coleman - Michelandelo, Splinter
*Barry Gordon - Donatello, Bebop, First Dimension X Prison Guard
*Jennifer Darling - Irma Langenstein
*Renae Jacobs - April O'Neil, Lotus
*Peter Renaday - Vernon, Second Dimension Prison Guard
*Pat Fraley - Mr. Thompson, Krang, Casey Jones, Skraag
*Tony Jay - Dementor, Lord Dregg
*James Avery - Shredder
*Bumper Robinsion - Carter

==Bonus Episodes from Artisan's Family Home Entertainment==
{| class=&quot;wikitable&quot;
! Title !! Episodes
|-
| Clifford the Big Red Dog (2003)
| 8
|-
| Baby Einstein (1997)
| 17
|-
| TMNT 1987
|
* The Old Switcheroo
* Case of the Hot Kimono (52 minutes - Irma voiced by Jennifer Darling)
* Super Irma
* Enter: The Rat King
|}

==External links==
*{{wikipedia-inline}}
{{italic title}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Jonah: A VeggieTales Movie}}
[[Category:2002 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Pirate films]]</text>
      <sha1>imvdpf5c5b16584hvd35o6ijpiziccp</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147494</id>
      <parentid>3147490</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:07:37Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1702:F40:34E0:1084:C959:9A0C:2F00</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Bonus Episodes from Artisan's Family Home Entertainment */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="2118" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Jonah: A VeggieTales Movie|Jonah: A VeggieTales Movie]]''''' is a [[w:2002 in film|2002]] computer-animated Christian musical comedy adventure film in which when the singing Veggies encounter some car trouble, they are stranded at an old rundown seafood joint, where nothing is quite as it seems.
:''Directed and written by [[w:Phil Vischer|Phil Vischer]] and [[w:Mike Nawrocki|Mike Nawrocki]].''

==Dialogue==
TBA

==Voice Cast==
*Mike Nawrocki - Larry
*Phil Vischer - Bob
TBA

===[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1987 TV series)|TMNT 1987 Flashback episodes]]===
*Cam Clarke - Leonardo, Rocksteady
*Townsend Coleman - Michelandelo, Splinter
*Barry Gordon - Donatello, Bebop, First Dimension X Prison Guard
*Jennifer Darling - Irma Langenstein
*Renae Jacobs - April O'Neil, Lotus
*Peter Renaday - Vernon, Second Dimension Prison Guard
*Pat Fraley - Mr. Thompson, Krang, Casey Jones, Skraag
*Tony Jay - Dementor, Lord Dregg
*James Avery - Shredder
*Bumper Robinsion - Carter

==Bonus Episodes from Artisan's Family Home Entertainment==
===2003 DVD &amp; VHS re-release (June 3rd) by Artisan's Family Home Entertainment, 2000===
{| class=&quot;wikitable&quot;
! Title !! Episodes
|-
| Clifford the Big Red Dog (2003)
| 8
|-
| Baby Einstein (1997)
| 17
|-
| TMNT 1987
|
* The Old Switcheroo
* Case of the Hot Kimono (52 minutes - Irma voiced by Jennifer Darling)
* Super Irma
* Enter: The Rat King
* The Turtle Terminator
* Shredder and Splintered
* The Showdown (41 minutes - Irma voiced by Jennifer Darling)
* Night of the Dark Turtle (47 minutes - Irma voiced by Jennifer Darling)
* Convicts from Dimension X
* Cry H.A.V.O.C.! (44 minutes - Irma voiced by Jennifer Darling)
* April Gets in Dutch
|}

==External links==
*{{wikipedia-inline}}
{{italic title}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Jonah: A VeggieTales Movie}}
[[Category:2002 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Pirate films]]</text>
      <sha1>i36dlkoex8pw56zdx6szwvlnigykpeg</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147496</id>
      <parentid>3147494</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:09:12Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1702:F40:34E0:1084:C959:9A0C:2F00</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* 2003 DVD &amp; VHS re-release (June 3rd) by Artisan's Family Home Entertainment, 2000 */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="2181" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Jonah: A VeggieTales Movie|Jonah: A VeggieTales Movie]]''''' is a [[w:2002 in film|2002]] computer-animated Christian musical comedy adventure film in which when the singing Veggies encounter some car trouble, they are stranded at an old rundown seafood joint, where nothing is quite as it seems.
:''Directed and written by [[w:Phil Vischer|Phil Vischer]] and [[w:Mike Nawrocki|Mike Nawrocki]].''

==Dialogue==
TBA

==Voice Cast==
*Mike Nawrocki - Larry
*Phil Vischer - Bob
TBA

===[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1987 TV series)|TMNT 1987 Flashback episodes]]===
*Cam Clarke - Leonardo, Rocksteady
*Townsend Coleman - Michelandelo, Splinter
*Barry Gordon - Donatello, Bebop, First Dimension X Prison Guard
*Jennifer Darling - Irma Langenstein
*Renae Jacobs - April O'Neil, Lotus
*Peter Renaday - Vernon, Second Dimension Prison Guard
*Pat Fraley - Mr. Thompson, Krang, Casey Jones, Skraag
*Tony Jay - Dementor, Lord Dregg
*James Avery - Shredder
*Bumper Robinsion - Carter

==Bonus Episodes from Artisan's Family Home Entertainment==
===2003 DVD &amp; VHS re-release (June 3rd) by Artisan's Family Home Entertainment, 2014 Blu-ray 3D by 20th Century Fox and Lionsgate Films (August 19)===
{| class=&quot;wikitable&quot;
! Title !! Episodes
|-
| Clifford the Big Red Dog (2003)
| 8
|-
| Baby Einstein (1997)
| 17
|-
| TMNT 1987
|
* The Old Switcheroo
* Case of the Hot Kimono (52 minutes - Irma voiced by Jennifer Darling)
* Super Irma
* Enter: The Rat King
* The Turtle Terminator
* Shredder and Splintered
* The Showdown (41 minutes - Irma voiced by Jennifer Darling)
* Night of the Dark Turtle (47 minutes - Irma voiced by Jennifer Darling)
* Convicts from Dimension X
* Cry H.A.V.O.C.! (44 minutes - Irma voiced by Jennifer Darling)
* April Gets in Dutch
|}

==External links==
*{{wikipedia-inline}}
{{italic title}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Jonah: A VeggieTales Movie}}
[[Category:2002 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Pirate films]]</text>
      <sha1>30cfyqf3iabz2rldq0kht5nwzdypqbi</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147498</id>
      <parentid>3147496</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:09:44Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1702:F40:34E0:6855:408F:12C6:BFA4</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Bonus Episodes from Artisan's Family Home Entertainment */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="2186" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Jonah: A VeggieTales Movie|Jonah: A VeggieTales Movie]]''''' is a [[w:2002 in film|2002]] computer-animated Christian musical comedy adventure film in which when the singing Veggies encounter some car trouble, they are stranded at an old rundown seafood joint, where nothing is quite as it seems.
:''Directed and written by [[w:Phil Vischer|Phil Vischer]] and [[w:Mike Nawrocki|Mike Nawrocki]].''

==Dialogue==
TBA

==Voice Cast==
*Mike Nawrocki - Larry
*Phil Vischer - Bob
TBA

===[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1987 TV series)|TMNT 1987 Flashback episodes]]===
*Cam Clarke - Leonardo, Rocksteady
*Townsend Coleman - Michelandelo, Splinter
*Barry Gordon - Donatello, Bebop, First Dimension X Prison Guard
*Jennifer Darling - Irma Langenstein
*Renae Jacobs - April O'Neil, Lotus
*Peter Renaday - Vernon, Second Dimension Prison Guard
*Pat Fraley - Mr. Thompson, Krang, Casey Jones, Skraag
*Tony Jay - Dementor, Lord Dregg
*James Avery - Shredder
*Bumper Robinsion - Carter

==Bonus Episodes from Artisan's Family Home Entertainment==
===2003 DVD &amp; VHS re-release (June 3rd) by Artisan's Family Home Entertainment, 2014 Blu-ray 3D by 20th Century Fox owned by Lionsgate Films (August 19)===
{| class=&quot;wikitable&quot;
! Title !! Episodes
|-
| Clifford the Big Red Dog (2003)
| 8
|-
| Baby Einstein (1997)
| 17
|-
| TMNT 1987
|
* The Old Switcheroo
* Case of the Hot Kimono (52 minutes - Irma voiced by Jennifer Darling)
* Super Irma
* Enter: The Rat King
* The Turtle Terminator
* Shredder and Splintered
* The Showdown (41 minutes - Irma voiced by Jennifer Darling)
* Night of the Dark Turtle (47 minutes - Irma voiced by Jennifer Darling)
* Convicts from Dimension X
* Cry H.A.V.O.C.! (44 minutes - Irma voiced by Jennifer Darling)
* April Gets in Dutch
|}

==External links==
*{{wikipedia-inline}}
{{italic title}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Jonah: A VeggieTales Movie}}
[[Category:2002 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Pirate films]]</text>
      <sha1>qfu522yi5e7axfnehcrhqs6n9ywj2tq</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147499</id>
      <parentid>3147498</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:10:30Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1702:F40:34E0:6855:408F:12C6:BFA4</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* 2003 DVD &amp; VHS re-release (June 3rd) by Artisan's Family Home Entertainment, 2014 Blu-ray 3D by 20th Century Fox owned by Lionsgate Films (August 19) */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="2201" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Jonah: A VeggieTales Movie|Jonah: A VeggieTales Movie]]''''' is a [[w:2002 in film|2002]] computer-animated Christian musical comedy adventure film in which when the singing Veggies encounter some car trouble, they are stranded at an old rundown seafood joint, where nothing is quite as it seems.
:''Directed and written by [[w:Phil Vischer|Phil Vischer]] and [[w:Mike Nawrocki|Mike Nawrocki]].''

==Dialogue==
TBA

==Voice Cast==
*Mike Nawrocki - Larry
*Phil Vischer - Bob
TBA

===[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1987 TV series)|TMNT 1987 Flashback episodes]]===
*Cam Clarke - Leonardo, Rocksteady
*Townsend Coleman - Michelandelo, Splinter
*Barry Gordon - Donatello, Bebop, First Dimension X Prison Guard
*Jennifer Darling - Irma Langenstein
*Renae Jacobs - April O'Neil, Lotus
*Peter Renaday - Vernon, Second Dimension Prison Guard
*Pat Fraley - Mr. Thompson, Krang, Casey Jones, Skraag
*Tony Jay - Dementor, Lord Dregg
*James Avery - Shredder
*Bumper Robinsion - Carter

==Bonus Episodes from Artisan's Family Home Entertainment==
===2003 DVD &amp; VHS re-release (June 3rd) by Artisan's Family Home Entertainment, 2014 Blu-ray 3D by 20th Century Fox owned by Lionsgate Films (August 19)===
{| class=&quot;wikitable&quot;
! Title !! Episodes
|-
| Clifford the Big Red Dog (2003)
| 8
|-
| Baby Einstein (1997)
| 17
|-
| TMNT 1987
|
* The Old Switcheroo
* Case of the Hot Kimono (52 minutes - Irma voiced by Jennifer Darling)
* Super Irma
* Enter: The Rat King
* Pirate Radio
* The Turtle Terminator
* Shredder and Splintered
* The Showdown (41 minutes - Irma voiced by Jennifer Darling)
* Night of the Dark Turtle (47 minutes - Irma voiced by Jennifer Darling)
* Convicts from Dimension X
* Cry H.A.V.O.C.! (44 minutes - Irma voiced by Jennifer Darling)
* April Gets in Dutch
|}

==External links==
*{{wikipedia-inline}}
{{italic title}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Jonah: A VeggieTales Movie}}
[[Category:2002 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Pirate films]]</text>
      <sha1>ls2ce0inqb5chk0c3e299y7xcwii6xd</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Hesychasm</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>226724</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147983</id>
      <parentid>3147255</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T02:58:22Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Florificapis</username>
        <id>3107310</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>/* Quotes */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="3443" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Hesychasm|Hesychasm]]''' is a mystical tradition of contemplative prayer in the [[Eastern Orthodox Church]].

==Quotes==
* Watchfulness is a continual fixing and halting of thought at the entrance to the heart.
** Saint Hesychios the Priest, ''On Watchfulness and Holiness'', in ''[[Philokalia]]''

* A brother asked an elder, “What is hēsychia and what good does it do?”&lt;br&gt;
:The elder said to him, “Hēsychia is remaining in a cell with understanding and fear of God, refraining from rancor and arrogance. That kind of hēsychia is the mother of all virtues and protects the monk from the fiery darts of the enemy, not allowing him to be wounded by them.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! The advancement of those who '''dwell alone'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! The '''ladder to heaven'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! The '''way to the kingdom of heaven'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Mother of sorrow for sin'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Patron of repentance'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Mirror of offenses''', showing a person his shortcomings.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! That '''does not hinder tears and sighs'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! That '''lightens up the soul'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Mother of gentleness'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! Concomitant of '''humility'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! That brings one to a '''peaceable disposition'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! That '''converses with angels'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! That '''enlightens the way of the mind'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! Espoused to '''fear of God''', inquisitor of ''logismoi'', and toiling together with discernment.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Mother of all good''', the foundation of fasting, a bridle for the tongue and a barrier to gluttony.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''School of prayer''', school of reading.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Calm of ''logismoi''''' and a sheltered harbor.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! That '''importunes God''', a weapon of the young that maintains a state of mind for which one need not repent and that preserves untroubled those who are desirous of remaining in their own cells'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''The yoke that is easy and the burden that is light''' [Matt 11:30], conferring repose and support on the one who is supporting you.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Delight of heart and soul'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! Exclusively concerned for that which is its own and '''speaking to Christ''', ever having death before its eyes.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! A '''bridle''' for the eyes, the hearing, and the tongue.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! Looking for the '''coming of Christ''' by day and by night and keeping the lamp from going out [Matt 21:1-13]. In your longing for him you are ever singing the words, ‘My heart is ready, O God, my heart is ready’ [Ps 56:8].&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! That '''restrains boasting and supplies weeping''' in place of laughter to the one who possesses you.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Mother of devotion'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Enemy of shamelessness and hater of loose talk''', ever looking for the coming of Christ.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Prison of passions'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! The field of Christ bringing forth '''good harvests'''.&lt;br&gt;
:Yes brother, acquire this, being [[w:Memento mori|mindful of death]].”&lt;br&gt;
::* No. 35, Chapter 2 (On ''Hesychia''), ''The Book of the Elders ([[Sayings of the Desert Fathers]]): The Systematic Collection'', translated by John Wortley. Cistercian Publications, 2012.

==See also==
*[[Joseph the Hesychast]]
*[[Silouan Oner]]
*[[Silence]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
[[Category:Christianity]]</text>
      <sha1>pp0m1tyja3mwfaa8ryj03gkdupkai1l</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147989</id>
      <parentid>3147983</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T03:22:00Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Florificapis</username>
        <id>3107310</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* See also */ hesychia</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="3457" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Hesychasm|Hesychasm]]''' is a mystical tradition of contemplative prayer in the [[Eastern Orthodox Church]].

==Quotes==
* Watchfulness is a continual fixing and halting of thought at the entrance to the heart.
** Saint Hesychios the Priest, ''On Watchfulness and Holiness'', in ''[[Philokalia]]''

* A brother asked an elder, “What is hēsychia and what good does it do?”&lt;br&gt;
:The elder said to him, “Hēsychia is remaining in a cell with understanding and fear of God, refraining from rancor and arrogance. That kind of hēsychia is the mother of all virtues and protects the monk from the fiery darts of the enemy, not allowing him to be wounded by them.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! The advancement of those who '''dwell alone'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! The '''ladder to heaven'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! The '''way to the kingdom of heaven'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Mother of sorrow for sin'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Patron of repentance'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Mirror of offenses''', showing a person his shortcomings.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! That '''does not hinder tears and sighs'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! That '''lightens up the soul'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Mother of gentleness'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! Concomitant of '''humility'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! That brings one to a '''peaceable disposition'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! That '''converses with angels'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! That '''enlightens the way of the mind'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! Espoused to '''fear of God''', inquisitor of ''logismoi'', and toiling together with discernment.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Mother of all good''', the foundation of fasting, a bridle for the tongue and a barrier to gluttony.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''School of prayer''', school of reading.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Calm of ''logismoi''''' and a sheltered harbor.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! That '''importunes God''', a weapon of the young that maintains a state of mind for which one need not repent and that preserves untroubled those who are desirous of remaining in their own cells'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''The yoke that is easy and the burden that is light''' [Matt 11:30], conferring repose and support on the one who is supporting you.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Delight of heart and soul'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! Exclusively concerned for that which is its own and '''speaking to Christ''', ever having death before its eyes.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! A '''bridle''' for the eyes, the hearing, and the tongue.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! Looking for the '''coming of Christ''' by day and by night and keeping the lamp from going out [Matt 21:1-13]. In your longing for him you are ever singing the words, ‘My heart is ready, O God, my heart is ready’ [Ps 56:8].&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! That '''restrains boasting and supplies weeping''' in place of laughter to the one who possesses you.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Mother of devotion'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Enemy of shamelessness and hater of loose talk''', ever looking for the coming of Christ.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Prison of passions'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! The field of Christ bringing forth '''good harvests'''.&lt;br&gt;
:Yes brother, acquire this, being [[w:Memento mori|mindful of death]].”&lt;br&gt;
::* No. 35, Chapter 2 (On ''Hesychia''), ''The Book of the Elders ([[Sayings of the Desert Fathers]]): The Systematic Collection'', translated by John Wortley. Cistercian Publications, 2012.

==See also==
*[[Joseph the Hesychast]]
*[[Silouan Oner]]
*[[Hesychia]]
*[[Silence]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
[[Category:Christianity]]</text>
      <sha1>1xllggcy6ooro1vx5vc2vyeavemll74</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147996</id>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-27T04:04:49Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Florificapis</username>
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      <text bytes="3470" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Hesychasm|Hesychasm]]''' is a mystical tradition of contemplative prayer in the [[Eastern Orthodox Church]].

==Quotes==
* [[w:Nepsis|Watchfulness]] is a continual fixing and halting of thought at the entrance to the heart.
** Saint Hesychios the Priest, ''On Watchfulness and Holiness'', in ''[[Philokalia]]''

* A brother asked an elder, “What is hēsychia and what good does it do?”&lt;br&gt;
:The elder said to him, “Hēsychia is remaining in a cell with understanding and fear of God, refraining from rancor and arrogance. That kind of hēsychia is the mother of all virtues and protects the monk from the fiery darts of the enemy, not allowing him to be wounded by them.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! The advancement of those who '''dwell alone'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! The '''ladder to heaven'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! The '''way to the kingdom of heaven'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Mother of sorrow for sin'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Patron of repentance'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Mirror of offenses''', showing a person his shortcomings.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! That '''does not hinder tears and sighs'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! That '''lightens up the soul'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Mother of gentleness'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! Concomitant of '''humility'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! That brings one to a '''peaceable disposition'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! That '''converses with angels'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! That '''enlightens the way of the mind'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! Espoused to '''fear of God''', inquisitor of ''logismoi'', and toiling together with discernment.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Mother of all good''', the foundation of fasting, a bridle for the tongue and a barrier to gluttony.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''School of prayer''', school of reading.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Calm of ''logismoi''''' and a sheltered harbor.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! That '''importunes God''', a weapon of the young that maintains a state of mind for which one need not repent and that preserves untroubled those who are desirous of remaining in their own cells'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''The yoke that is easy and the burden that is light''' [Matt 11:30], conferring repose and support on the one who is supporting you.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Delight of heart and soul'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! Exclusively concerned for that which is its own and '''speaking to Christ''', ever having death before its eyes.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! A '''bridle''' for the eyes, the hearing, and the tongue.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! Looking for the '''coming of Christ''' by day and by night and keeping the lamp from going out [Matt 21:1-13]. In your longing for him you are ever singing the words, ‘My heart is ready, O God, my heart is ready’ [Ps 56:8].&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! That '''restrains boasting and supplies weeping''' in place of laughter to the one who possesses you.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Mother of devotion'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Enemy of shamelessness and hater of loose talk''', ever looking for the coming of Christ.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Prison of passions'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! The field of Christ bringing forth '''good harvests'''.&lt;br&gt;
:Yes brother, acquire this, being [[w:Memento mori|mindful of death]].”&lt;br&gt;
::* No. 35, Chapter 2 (On ''Hesychia''), ''The Book of the Elders ([[Sayings of the Desert Fathers]]): The Systematic Collection'', translated by John Wortley. Cistercian Publications, 2012.

==See also==
*[[Joseph the Hesychast]]
*[[Silouan Oner]]
*[[Hesychia]]
*[[Silence]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
[[Category:Christianity]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 1)</title>
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      <comment>/* Too Much TV / Trick or Treat [1.5] */</comment>
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----
:'''Seasons:''' [[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 1)|1]] [[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 2)|2]] [[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 3)|3]]  | [[The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series)|Main]]
----

The following is a list of quotes from the first season of ''[[The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series)|The Berenstain Bears]]''.

===Trouble At School / Visit The Dentist [1.1]===
:''[first lines of the series]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[voice over and first lines; just like from the book adaptation of said episode The Berenstain Bears and the Trouble at School]'' '''''&quot;When a problem at school is kept secret too long, it can grow until a cub thinks everything is wrong!&quot;'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Sister --after bringing Brother a folder of make-up math homework-- sees Brother still playing with his dinosaur models. Brother --refusing to do it-- still plays with his dinosaur collection. He has four giant --large-- models of dinosaurs. On his bed, there is a toy Brachiosaurus, a toy Stegosaurus, a toy Triceratops, and a toy Tyrannosaurus Rex.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[to Brother]'' If you can hold a (model) dinosaur, you can hold a pencil!
:''[While Brother had been having fun at home and not working, his fellow student cubs had been hard on work. In math, Brother's students were learning about a new math lesson. They learned about addition and subtraction --perhaps to double digit addition and subtraction through 99, three digit addition and subtraction through 999, and four digit addition and subtraction through 9,999. Now --finished with addition and subtraction-- they were learning about multiplication and division. Indeed, they learned multiplication and division. They learned multiplication and division facts through 9. Brother is supposed to be studying his multiplication and division problems on the math homework for the division quiz. He has not studied the work folder of math homework --of addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division-- since Monday. His math homework was about multiplication and division. And he has fallen behind with his math homework since Monday.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Before the division quiz starts]''
:'''Teacher Bob''': If you all take your seats, we can all get started on the math test (the division quiz). 
:''[Teacher Bob certainly hopes that Brother practiced and studied the math folder. Because today is the division quiz. The division quiz is about division facts through 9.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Teacher Bob''': ''[to the other student cubs]'' Goodbye, kids. See you tomorrow. (Remember, anyone with four or more mistakes must go home, have your parents sign the test, and study all weekend. And you can retake the division quiz on Monday.)
:''[Every cub in Teacher Bob's class did great on the division quiz except Brother who got every division problem wrong. Even though most of the students did great --and got good grades like an &quot;A&quot;, &quot;B&quot;, or &quot;C&quot;-- there was one &quot;F&quot; and that was Brother]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Uh oh...! This can't be good...!
:'''Teacher Bob''': I'm afraid it isn't, Brother!
:''[Teacher Bob then reveals the division quiz. Not only did Brother get all eighty one questions wrong on the division quiz. But also, Teacher Bob marked Brother a zero. Brother sees the zero on his division test. There is a big, fat number &quot;0&quot; on the test. He also catches sight of the phrase on it. Teacher Bob wrote on the division quiz, &quot;VERY POOR! MUST BE SIGNED BY PARENT!&quot;.]''
:'''Brother Bear''':  &lt;big&gt;'''A &quot;ZERO&quot; (0)!?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Teacher Bob asks Brother if he studied.]''
:'''Teacher Bob''': Didn't you study the math worksheets which I sent home with your sister?
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[tries to talk in between coughs]'' Well, I was pretty sick. It took a lot out of me --including that flu bug. 
:'''Teacher Bob''': Hmmm?
:'''Brother Bear''': But I think I should be okay now. And I cannot wait to get those work sheets done!
:'''Teacher Bob''': I am happy to hear that.
:'''Brother Bear''': Oh, well. I better go and catch the bus.
:''[Before Brother heads off for the bus, Teacher Bob talks to him about the division test which he got a zero for.]''
:'''Teacher Bob''': ''[to Brother]'' Oh, one more thing. Please have your parents sign the division quiz and turn it in again tomorrow.
:''[What Teacher Bob means by that is, he means to tell Brother that his parents must sign the test. Then Brother must study all weekend and he can retake the division quiz on Monday.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Brother looks at his test which was about division --which was about division facts 0 through 9.]''
:'''Brother Bear''':  Even the flu is worse than this!
:''[Mama and Papa are busy taking care of Sister and they do not notice Brother's division quiz where he got a great big zero on]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[thinks out loud that he doesn't like school, soccer, and division]'' &lt;big&gt;'''PHOOEY ON SCHOOL! PHOOEY ON MATH (MULTIPLICATION AND DIVISION)! PHOOEY ON EVERYTHING!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Brother folds his division quiz into a paper airplane and sails it out so neither him nor his family can see it and it lands near an old log]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The scene cuts to Gramps and Gran's dining room. Brother is at their table having milk and chocolate chip cookies.]''
:'''Gran''': Dear me!
:''[Gran chuckles a little.]''
:'''Gran''': This division quiz has more wrinkles then I do. 
:''[Gran rolls out the division quiz like she is rolling out cookie dough flat.]''
:'''Gran''': Well, that is about the best I can do. 
:''[After Gran rolls out Brother's division quiz to flatten it and get rid of the wrinkles after he folded it into a paper airplane.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[to Gran]'' It looks much better than it did. 
:''[Indeed, the division quiz is way better than it did --thanks to the fact that Gran flattened out the quiz to get rid of the wrinkles. But there was just one problem. Because Brother --in the spite of the fact that his division test is way better-- he looks at the big, fat zero. Because he got zero out of eighty one questions correctly on the test.]'' 
:'''Brother Bear''': (Well, it may look much better.) But it still has a great big &quot;0&quot; (zero) on it!
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[shows the zero on his division test]'' I told you it was pretty bad.
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[as he's about to sign the division test]'' Pretty bad? Can it get any worse than a zero?
:'''Gramps''': Well, it can get worse when you don't tell your parents and don't get on the school bus.
:'''Brother Bear''': That's for sure.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cousin Freddy''': I had no idea so many gooey gums can fit into one bag.
:'''Brother Bear''': Well, this way I'll have enough to last a while.
:'''Cousin Freddy''': A while? You'll have enough to last until next year.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': You'd better make sure you put your tooth under your pillow tonight.
:'''Sister Bear''': Why?
:'''Brother Bear''': Why? For the tooth fairy, of course.
:'''Sister Bear''': No way! This is my first tooth. I'm keeping it!
:''[Mama and Brother start laughing]''

===Mama's New Job / The Mighty Milton [1.2]===
:'''Mama Bear''': I've got a job! I'm going to start my own quilt-making business!
:'''Papa Bear, Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[together]'' Huh?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': No! You can't have them! These are our quilts! Mama made them for us!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cousin Freddy''': If you ask me, Too Tall doesn't think, period.

===Go To School / The Week at Grandma's [1.3]===
:'''Mama Bear''': Oh dear, you've worked yourself into a tizzy!
:'''Sister Bear''': Mama, I don't want to go to school, I want to stay home with you! I could help you make pies!
:'''Papa Bear''': Did somebody say &quot;pie&quot;? I've got the apples an' Shift Cars. All I need is someone with pie-making know how.
:'''Mama Bear''': I have an easy recipe for pie. You've followed recipes before, Papa!
:'''Papa Bear''': Uh, but not for pie.......I can't make pies!
:'''Mama Bear''': Well, I've got a photo album to find.
:'''Brother Bear''': Why are you getting the photo album out, Mama?
:'''Mama Bear''': I was just thinking back to when Sister was as worried about going to kindergarten, as she is about going to third grade.
:'''Sister Bear''': I loved kindergarten!
:'''Mama Bear''': Well, yes. Once you got there you did.
:'''Sister Bear''': Miss Honey Bear was really nice, and that's where I met Lizzie, and they had lots of toys, and...
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' Yes, yes. That's right, Sister. But you didn't know all those things before you went, you were very worried.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': Do you know what a synonym is?
:''[Sister mistakenly believes Brother said &quot;cinnamon&quot; and therefore mistakes it for &quot;cinnamon&quot; even though he said &quot;synonyms&quot;.]''
:'''Sister Bear''':  Uh-huh. It is my favorite spice. Like synonym toast and synonym rolls.
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[he corrects her]'' That is &quot;cinnamon&quot;. I said &quot;synonyms&quot;. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': I don't want to go to kindergarten, Mama. I want to stay here with you!
:'''Mama Bear''': Sister, I know new things can sometimes be upsetting. But if we don't try them, we don't grow and learn. That's what kindergarten is all about.
:'''Sister Bear''': What if the teacher doesn't like me?
:'''Mama Bear''': Why wouldn't she like you? You're a very likeable cub!
:'''Brother Bear''': Yeah, well most of the time.
:'''Mama Bear''': I know Miss Honey Bear will be happy to have you in her kindergarten class.
:'''Sister Bear''': But I can't go tomorrow! I'm too busy.
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[gasps]'' Too busy? 
:'''Sister Bear''': I promised Brother I'd make a picture.
:'''Brother Bear''': You can make me a picture at kindergarten, Sister. They've got lots of paint, and crayons, and every color you can think of.
:'''Sister Bear''': But I want to hear my storybooks!
:'''Mama Bear''': They have lots of books at kindergarten, too. With stories you haven't heard before.
:'''Sister Bear''': I was going to build something with my blocks.
:'''Papa Bear''': They have enough blocks to build a castle at kindergarten. That was one of Brother's things about school.
:'''Brother Bear''': There's a tub of blocks bigger than you.
:'''Mama Bear''': What do you say, Sister? Can you give kindergarten a try?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': And so, you went with Brother on the bus for your first day of school.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Is it all right if I sit here?
:'''Lizzie''': Uh-huh!
:''[When they got to school, back then]''
:'''Miss Honey Bear''': Welcome to Bear Country School. My name is Miss Honey Bear, and I'm your new kindergarten teacher! Would you like to come inside and meet your new classmates?
:''[When it was time for recess, back then]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[gasps]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Mama! Why are you here?
:'''Mama Bear''': Oh, I just thought I would stop by to see how you were doing.
:'''Sister Bear''': I'm having fun! Brother was right, they do have lots of paint colors, more than a hundred! 
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' Is that right?
:'''Sister Bear''': And they do have a big tub of blocks, just like Papa said. Lizzie and I built a giant castle!
:'''Mama Bear''': Lizzie?
:'''Sister Bear''': Uh-huh! She's my new friend!
:'''Lizzie''': New best friend!
:'''Mama Bear''': Pleased to meet you, Lizzie!
:'''Lizzie''': Hi, we're having recess!
:'''Mama Bear''': And what do you do at recess?
:'''Sister Bear''': Um, do you know?
:'''Lizzie''': This is my first one! 
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' I'll help you get started! Come on over to the swings and I'll push you.
:'''Sister  Bear''': OK!
:'''Lizzie''': That's a good idea!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': Huh?
:'''Sister Bear''': Suitcases?
:'''Mama Bear''': So our reservations for Grizzly Mountain Lodge are all set? Thank you so much, see you soon.
:'''Brother Bear''': Reservations?
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': We're going on vacation!
:'''Mama Bear''': Well, actually, it's a second honeymoon.
:'''Brother Bear''': Still sounds like fun.
:'''Sister Bear''': Mmmm...especially the honey part.
:'''Papa Bear''': I haven't seen these in ages. I wonder if my serve is still...... ''[grunts]'' Ow!
:'''Brother Bear''': Papa, are you okay?
:'''Sister Bear''': Maybe you should just let Brother and me play tennis on the honeymoon.
:'''Brother Bear''': And you and Mama can keep score.
:'''Mama Bear''': Sorry, sweeties, but honeymoons aren't for cubs. Honeymoons are special trips that couples go on after they get married. It's an old tradition.
:'''Papa Bear''': Grizzly Mountain Lodge is where Mama and I went on our first honeymoon.
:'''Brother Bear''': But, what about us?
:'''Mama Bear''': Well, you're going on a special trip of your own.
:'''Brother Bear''': Is it Grizzly World?
:'''Sister Bear''': Is it Honeycomb Amusement Park?
:'''Mama Bear''': You're going to grandma's.
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': Gran's?
:'''Brother Bear''': That should do it. Board games, books, yo-yo. I wonder if I should bring my chemistry set.
:'''Sister Bear''': I'm bringing puzzles, coloring books, and teddy.
:'''Papa Bear''': Beep beep. Coming through! Hey, what's all this doing out here?
:'''Brother Bear''': Well, we are going to Gran's for a whole week. We need to keep busy.
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' Come on, now. You always have fun at Gran's house without all this stuff!
:'''Brother Bear''': When we go for one afternoon, maybe. ''[whispers to Mama Bear]'' and Gran and Gramps are, well, old.
:'''Sister Bear''': Maybe they'll want to take naps all day. 
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[grunts]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Papa, what about our toys?
:'''Papa Bear''': You won't need all those. You're going to have too much fun with Gran and Gramps. I wonder if the lodge still has canoe rides on the lake.
:'''Mama Bear''': And live music in the dance hall.
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[sighs]'' Mama and Papa are going to have all the fun.
:'''Sister Bear''': And we're going to have none.
:'''Gran''': See you next week. Drive safely.
:'''Mama Bear''': Bye. 
:'''Papa Bear''': Have fun.
:'''Gran''': Come on, cubs.

===The Trouble With Pets / The Sitter [1.4]===
:'''Sister Bear''': I want something that is warm and cuddly.
:'''Brother Bear''': If you want a pet that's warm and cuddly, you should just get your old blanket.
:'''Sister Bear''': Well, if you want a pet that's cold and slimy, you should get some slime.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': Looking after a puppy is a round-the-clock job.
:'''Papa Bear''': It isn't something you can just put off until later when it's more convenient.

===Too Much TV / Trick or Treat [1.5]===
:'''Brother Bear''': Give it to me!
:'''Sister Bear''': No way! It's my turn to choose!
:''[The cubs are in the living room trying to get the TV remote. By fighting over the TV remote control, Brother and Sister are fighting over what TV programs they are going to watch.]'' 
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WE'RE NOT WATCHING &quot;BEAR WRESTLING&quot;!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''':  &lt;big&gt;'''THERE IS NO WAY I AM WATCHING &quot;LITTLE TREEHOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE&quot;!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The two grunt to get the remote. They are fighting over whether to watch &quot;Bear Wrestling&quot; or &quot;Little Treehouse on the Prairie&quot;. So both wrestle to get the remote.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[off-screen]'' &lt;big&gt;'''OKAY, THAT'S IT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The controller falls out of Brother and Sister's hands and flies straight into Mama's hand]''
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NO TV FOR A WEEK!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Mama turns the TV off with the controller. Soon, Brother and Sister hear that they are grounded from TV for a week due to the whole family watching too much TV. After not only watching too much TV, but also with Brother and Sister fighting over the TV, Mama has decided to take away the TV privilege.]''
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': But, Mama...!
:''[Mama tries to get them being used to being grounded from it for a week. And therefore, she cuts off their arguing sentence.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': No, sir, I mean it.
:''[Papa enters the living room with sandwiches on the plate as he's ready to watch some of the hockey playoffs.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Papa, Mama told us we can't watch TV for a whole week.
:'''Papa Bear''': Your Mama's got a point. You two cubs have been watching far too much television lately. 
:''[The cubs look upset]'' 
:'''Papa Bear''': Now, if you don't mind, I'm just going to catch some of the hockey playoffs. 
:''[Papa then says that there may be a sports show on TV that he wants to watch. So he picks up the controller. But Mama takes it from Papa.]'' 
:'''Papa Bear''': Huh?
:''[Mama grounds Papa from the TV and he gets no TV for a week too.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[to Papa]'' You too, Papa. ''[then to the whole family]'' For once, the whole family is going to be TV free.
:''[This also means the whole family is grounded from TV for a week too. As for Brother and Sister, they are grounded from TV for a week and can only leave the house to go to school. By exact words, Mama means to them that they can only see their friends during school hours and are to come straight home after school. No TV, no friends's houses, and no park/playground while grounded from TV for a week. However, Brother and Sister are able to go outside while grounded from TV for a week, but no friends's houses.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[sees a wrestling show while in his workshop]'' HA! I didn't see that coming!
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[off-screen; as she and the cubs catches Papa from watching TV even though Mama had said, &quot;No TV for a week!&quot;]'' And you didn't see me coming!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': Rain or no rain! &quot;No TV for a week!&quot;, means &quot;No TV for a week!&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': Looks like you skipped Widder Jones' house.
:'''Brother Bear''': Yeah. We kinda... did that on purpose.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[to Mama; talking about Widder Jones]'' She's a witch!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Skuzz''': We're going to put the trick back in Trick or Treating.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Mama wouldn't be friends with a witch now, would she?
:'''Brother Bear''': Hmm, I suppose you're right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': It’s Too Tall and his gang! They’re not here for the Treats, just the tricks!
:'''Widder Jones''': I understand perfectly! And I am more than happy to oblige. Watch this!
:''[Widder Jones pulls a rope, Too-Tall, Smirk and Skuzz pop out of a bush and Vampire bats swarm them.]''
:'''Too Tall''': Watch Out! Vampire bats! They’re after us!
:'''Smirk''': Aah! Get away!
:'''Skuzz''': Aah! They’re gonna get us!
:'''All''': ''[Laughing]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Wow! That’ll teach them!
:'''Lizzy''': But, they’re still coming back!
:'''Widder Jones''': Maybe they wants some more tricks!
:''[Widder Jones pulls another rope, Too-Tall and his gang pop out from behind a tree, as ghosts appear.]''
:'''Too-Tall and his Gang''': Ghosts! ''[Screaming]''.
:'''All''': ''[Laughing]''.
:'''Widder Jones''': So, Brother. How would you like to play the final trick!
:'''Brother Bear''': Okay.
:'''Widder Jones''': Just turn this on and watch the fun!
:'''Brother''': 5, 4, 3, 2, 1! ''[Flicks a switch]''
:'''Skuzz''': This isn't much fun as I thought it would be!
:''[Suddenly, skeletons appear out of nowhere.]''
:'''Too-Tall and his Gang''': ''[Screaming]''.
:'''Too-Tall''': Let’s get out of here!
:'''Too-Tall and his Gang''': ''[Screaming]''.
:'''All''': ''[Laughing]''.
:'''Too-Tall and his Gang''': ''[Screaming]''.

===The Trouble With Money / The Double Dare [1.6]===
:'''Mama Bear''': Sometimes when people are so busy working hard, they can forget about other important things in their lives.
:'''Papa Bear''': Even mamas and papas forget about very important things.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': I guess I've been too busy.
:'''Cousin Fred''': That's a surprise!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[been bullied by the big cubs Too-Tall, Smirk and Skuzz]'' Brother, Brother!
:'''Brother Bear''': What's wrong, Sis?
:''[Sister reports to Brother about Too-Tall and his gang Smirk and Skuzz. They stole her jump rope while she and her own friends were playing.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': (Some big cubs) Too-Tall and his gang, they took my jump rope! I tried to get them to give it back! But they are still not going to give it to me!
:''[After hearing what Sister has said about Too-Tall, Smirk, and Skuzz --the big cubs-- Brother's concern and shock turns into a total outrage. He knows that he is getting to the bottom of his patience about the big cubs at the park who are always picking on little cubs like him and his Sister. And they stole Sister's jump rope.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[angrily about Too-Tall and his gang Smirk and Skuzz who were picking on Sister and stole her jump rope]'' &lt;big&gt;'''THREE AGAINST ONE! AND YOU ARE ONLY HALF THEIR SIZE! I CANNOT BELIEVE THOSE GUYS! (I JUST DON'T BELIEVE IT!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': You think you can get it back for me?
:''[Brother --in response-- runs off to the park to find the bullies and dares Sister to try and stop him --the bullies Too-Tall, Smirk and Skuzz.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[daring Sister to just try it --to try and stop him]'' &lt;big&gt;'''JUST TRY AND STOP ME! (AND THEY BETTER GIVE IT BACK OR ELSE!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[At this, Brother means that if Too-Tall, Smirk, and Skuzz do not give Sister back her jump rope, he is going to let them have it.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Too-Tall was indeed jumping with Sister's rope --playing jump rope with it-- until Brother showed up.]''
:'''Too-Tall''': Tell you what, Brother! You want it back? Come and get it!
:'''Brother Bear''': All right! I am doing that!
:''[Brother attempts to cross the log bridge. Skuzz then taunts to Brother about his fall if he falls into the water.]''
:'''Skuzz''': ''[to Brother about his fall]'' &lt;big&gt;'''ONE FALSE MOVE AND YOU'RE GOING TO (FALL INTO THE WATER AND) HAVE A CHILLY SWIM!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Indeed, that was not a smart thing for Skuzz to say --saying that Brother has a chilly swim if he falls into the water.]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Brother, Too-Tall, Smirk, and Skuzz are trespassing in Farmer Ben's watermelon patch trying to steal one of the watermelons. Farmer Ben stands like a scarecrow. But from the moment Brother picks out the biggest watermelon and after he breaks off the stem from the watermelon vine and picks it up, Farmer Ben from his &quot;scarecrow pose&quot; sees Brother then opens his eyes.]''
:'''Farmer Ben''': ''[runs up to Brother and catches him]'' GOTCHA! 
:''[Farmer Ben glares and grabs Brother.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': HELP! LET ME GO!
:''[Too-Tall, Smirk and Skuzz see Farmer Ben]''
:'''Too-Tall''': RUN FOR IT!
:''[Too-Tall and his gang run away screaming. Farmer Ben does not know they have dee double dared Brother. But he is on to Brother. Just when Brother has one of the watermelons, Farmer Ben catches Brother.]''
:'''Farmer Ben''': ''[after Too-Tall and his gang run away]'' &lt;big&gt;'''BROTHER BEAR?! WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING STEALING WATERMELONS WITH TOO-TALL AND HIS NO GOOD GANG!?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[not lying, he tells a story; but a true one]'' First they dared me...! And then, they double dared me...! &lt;big&gt;'''AND FINALLY, THEY DEE DOUBLE DARED ME!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Farmer Ben''': That dee double dare (by Too-Tall and his gang) is so hard to resist.
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[continues his dee-double dare story]'' I wanted to walk away. But then they called me chicken! 
:''[Brother ends his story, then apologizes to Farmer Ben as he knew he should not have been in his watermelon patch to steal one of the watermelons]''
:'''Brother Bear''': I am sorry, Farmer Ben.
:'''Farmer Ben''': Well, it is okay, Brother Bear. I won't call in and tell your parents about this one watermelon stealing mistake.
:''[It turns out Brother Bear is lucky that Farmer Ben did not tell his parents. Farmer Ben tells Brother that for just this one watermelon stealing mistake, he is not going to tell Brother's parents about it.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After the watermelon incident with Farmer Ben --and Brother got the watermelon-- the scene cuts to Too-Tall, Smirk, and Skuzz. Brother comes back with them --with a watermelon slice that Farmer Ben gave him.]''
:'''Too-Tall''': Brother?! You got away with it! And you got the watermelon.
:'''Skuzz''': ''[gives Brother a thumbs up]'' Way to go.
:'''Smirk''': ''[also gives Brother a thumbs up]'' You're the man!
:'''Too-Tall''': Come on, ''[off-screen]'' we're going to have more fun at the Widder Jones' house.
:'''Brother Bear''': No way.
:'''Too-Tall''': ''[as he and his gang stops walking]'' Oh, really? well, I dare you to come with us.
:'''Brother Bear''': Not this time.
:'''Too-Tall''': ''[off-screen]'' Okay, then, ''[on-screen]'' I double dare you.
:'''Brother Bear''': Nope. Not interested.
:'''Too-Tall''': ''[teases Brother]'' What the matter? Chicken?
:''[Smirk and Skuzz are miming like chickens]''
:'''Brother Bear''': I'm not chicken, and I'm not a sheep either. 
:'''Too-Tall''': Okay Brother...! &lt;big&gt;'''I DEE DOUBLE DARE YOU TO COME WITH US TO THE WIDDER JONES'S HOUSE!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[In the spite of being dee-double dared by Too-Tall and his gang, after considering the consequences, he still says &quot;No&quot;. Because he discovers that there are consequences if he follows Too-Tall and the gang to the Widder Jones's house]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[to Too-Tall]'' That stuff may have worked before, but it won't (ever again) now! ''[knowing about the consequences, then he heads back to the treehouse]'' See you later. I'm going home.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Farmer Ben comes out of the bushes. He is going to come over and talk to Too-Tall, Smirk and Skuzz about the dee-double dare incident which they just put on Brother when they and Brother invaded his watermelon patch. Then he threatens of what he is going to do with Too-Tall, Smirk, and Skuzz if he ever again hears about any more shenanigans --most likely, the parents of Too-Tall, Smirk, and Skuzz are going to hear from him.]''
:'''Farmer Ben''': ''[to Too-Tall and his gang about the watermelon patch]'' Too Tall...! &lt;big&gt;'''IF I CATCH YOU OR ANY OF YOUR GANG IN MY WATERMELON PATCH AGAIN...!'''&lt;/big&gt; 
:''[Farmer Ben moves in closer to the gang.]'' 
:'''Farmer Ben''': &lt;big&gt;'''...YOUR PARENTS ARE GONNA HEAR FROM ME! NOW GET ON HOME!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Smirk''': ''[hears the warning from Farmer Ben]'' We're...! We're sorry, Farmer Ben.
:'''Skuzz''': Thank you, Farmer Ben. It...! It’ll never happen again.
:'''Too-Tall''': Please don't tell our parents...!
:''[Too-Tall, Smirk and Skuzz turn their backs and run away screaming after promising Farmer Ben that it never again is going to happen --as they have listened to the warning from Farmer Ben. Indeed that is true. According to Farmer Ben, Too Tall's parents --and Smirk and Skuzz's too-- are going to hear from him if he ever again catches Too-Tall in his watermelon patch. Then the bullies --Too-Tall, Smirk, and Skuzz-- scream and run away after hearing his warning. When Farmer Ben had told them to &quot;get on home&quot;, they quickly run off home before Farmer Ben calls in and tells their parents.]''
:'''Farmer Ben''': ''[chuckles]'' Those cubs make my chickens look tough. ''[chuckles]''

===Out For The Team / Count Their Blessings [1.7]===
:'''Brother Bear''': Why did Sister sign up for baseball tryouts anyway? Why couldn't she be good at something else? Baseball is my game, not hers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': Well, Mama. It feels good to have raised two star athletes!
:'''Mama Bear''': It sure does, Papa.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[to Mama]'' You're talking to yourself. ''[chuckles]'' That's not a good sign.
:'''Mama Bear''': You're right. I'm being silly!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': Listen to yourselves. All you EVER do is complain about what you don't have.
:'''Papa Bear''': What about being thankful for all the things you have?
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': Huh?
:'''Mama Bear''': It's called counting your blessings.

===The Slumber Party / The Homework Hassle [1.8]===
:'''Queenie''': Did I hear you say you're having a slumber party? Can I come?
:'''Lizzie''': Sure you can come. what's one more?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[That night, the sleepover was cancelled. The Bruins have --offscreen-- called in and told the other cubs's parents. Soon the scene cuts to the outside of Lizzy's treehouse. After parents are called in and told, Lizzy was sent to bed. As for Sister and the others --Sister, the other girls, and Too-Tall and his gang-- they are sent home. The angry and disappointed parents arrive to take the children --Sister, the other girls, Too-Tall, Smirk, and Skuzz-- home. Later, the scene cuts to Mama --very angry and disappointed-- is on to Sister about her behavior at the Bruins's house for a sleepover. Mama takes Sister by the hand and drags her back to the treehouse into the night.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': Sister, I am so disappointed in you! (After all the things I said about privilege and responsibility!)
:''[The scene then cuts to the Bear family's treehouse.]'' 
:'''Mama Bear''': You are grounded young lady! One day in your room and one full week in the house (except for school)!
:''[Sister sadly walks upstairs to her bedroom. She is grounded and sent to bed. She has to spend one day in her bedroom and one full week/month/year/decade/century/millennium in the treehouse. In other words --and in total--  &quot;She is grounded --one day in her bedroom and one thousand full years in the treehouse&quot;. That is, by the grounded saying from Mama. She is grounded for one thousand years and can only leave the house to go to school while grounded. The scene cuts to the Bear family's dining room.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[as now Mama is in with a cup of tea]'' That bad. Huh?
:''[Mama talks to Papa about the Bruins's living room. That is, as if Papa had seen it too.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[about the Bruins's living room]'' You should have seen the place! Popcorn stuck to everything, juice spills all over the carpet, and furniture was knocked this way and that! It was an absolute disgrace! Everything that I said about privilege and responsibility! In one ear and out the other!
:'''Papa Bear''': Sister does have to share the blame. But it sounds like there were quite a few at this slumber party. Well, maybe it was one of those situations where one thing lead to another and things got completely out of control. I’m sure it would’ve gotten out of hand if the Bruins had been home. 
:'''Mama Bear''': If we knew they were going out, we could’ve suggested that Sister attended the sleep over some other time. Or that the girls had the sleep over here. 
:'''Papa Bear''': Hmm but we didn’t. It was our responsibility to call them. Part of the responsibility that comes with the privilege of having cubs.
:'''Mama Bear''': So we’re partially to blame. 
:'''Papa Bear''': Privilege and responsibility go for parents as well as cubs. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Queenie''': This was a good idea for us all to come over and help clean up, Sister.
:'''Lizzie''': Hey, I know. Everyone's doing such a good job. I think we should make this a clean up party.
:'''Sister Bear''': Let's not Lizzie. And if you don't mind, I rather not hear the word &quot;party&quot; again for a long time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[voice over and first lines; just like from the book adaptation of said episode The Berenstain Bears and the Homework Hassle]'' '''''&quot;If you're a bear for TV, loud music, eat popcorn and fun, how are you gonna get your homework done?&quot;'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[picks up the letter from Brother's teacher before reading it]'' Hmm...? 
:''[Mama finds an old but one hundred percent clear letter in Brother's backpack]''
:'''Letter from Teacher Bob''': ''I regret to report that Brother Bear has fallen too far behind with his homework.''
:''Please call me.''
:''Yours truly,''
:''Teacher Bob''
:''[Mama reads the letter that she got out from Brother's backpack which is from his teacher; Teacher Bob]'' 
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[reading]'' ''Dear Parent,'' 
:''I regret to inform you...!'' 
:''[Mama reads it. Not only she has found garbage including an old banana peel, a brown apple core, and a moldy piece of bread which Brother had for lunch at school called peanut butter and garbage (trash). But also, there is an old and wrinkled but &quot;loud and clear&quot; letter from Brother's teacher about his homework. By reading the letter, Brother has fallen too far behind in his homework, and the letter orders Mama or Papa to call Teacher Bob as it says, &quot;Please call me&quot;. Then to Papa after she hears from the letter that Brother is falling behind in his homework. Papa takes the letter from Mama and he reads it too]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[to Papa after he reads the letter from Brother's teacher]'' It looks like you and I better have a talk with our son!
:''[The scene cuts to Brother with the TV who is too busy having fun. What Brother has with him is a bowl of popcorn on the TV, a TV which is showing his favorite TV show &quot;The Bear Stooges&quot;, and a boom box. For homework, he has --on the table-- some school books, a pile of homework worksheets, and a pencil too.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': If you did a little bit of homework every day, it wouldn't pile up to a mountain of work! ''[shows Brother the rest of his untouched homework]'' Which is what you have here!
:'''Brother Bear''': Oh...!
:'''Mama Bear''': I'm afraid Papa's right. There are going to have to be some changes around here (until you're all caught up and lot of homework). 
:'''Brother Bear''': Like what?
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[about what the changes are going to be on Brother until he catches up. It is just up to him and his homework until he is all caught up]'' Like no more music, no more TV, no more popcorn, no more talking on the phone.
:'''Sister Bear''': What about video games, Papa? ''[smiles cleverly]''
:'''Papa Bear''': And no more video games (and furthermore)! It's up to you and your homework until you get caught up!
:'''Brother Bear''': But you don't understand, that'll take forever!
:'''Papa Bear''': Then you better get started with that homework!
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[sadly jumps off the couch and heads to the back door]'' Oh...!
:'''Papa Bear''': Where are you going?
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[sadly; to Papa]'' I'm just going outside to see the sunlight and... smell the fresh air one last time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The scene cuts to where Brother is at Gramps and Gran's house]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[about the &quot;no anything&quot;; which means he gets no TV, no video games, no movies, no talking on the phone, no boom box, no popcorn, no rollerblading, no soccer and no sports of any kind until he's all caught up with his homework]'' And now I can't watch TV nor play video games nor do anything. Not until I get caught up with my homework.
:'''Gramps''': That does not sound unreasonable to me. 
:'''Brother Bear''': But Papa does not understand! I'm never going to catch up! 
:'''Gran''': I know that the situation seems terrible right now. But you're going to catch up.
:'''Gramps''': You're right. ''[begins a story of when Papa was a cub who also fell behind with his homework when he was still in school back then]'' Just like your father did.
:'''Brother Bear''': What do you mean?
:'''Gramps''': The same thing which happened to him when he was younger. 
:'''Gran''': Of course there was no television back then.
:''[As Gran and Gramps mention this --when Papa was younger or in other words, &quot;at Papa's young age era&quot;-- there was no television nor any electronic equipment back then whatsoever. None whatsoever, whether regarding to television and video games.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': No television?! 
:'''Gramps''': Oh no! But we had radio instead. We still have it. (But radio was like TV at that time.) 
:''[By that saying from Gramps, in the era of Papa's young age, there was radio. However even though there was radio, it --at that time-- was like TV.]'' 
:'''Gramps''': In those days you could listen to fantastic stories every night.
:''[The flashback shows to when Papa was a cub. And he listened to radio shows while he did his homework]''
:'''Gran''': ''[narrating]'' And Papa loved to listen to the radio. He did it while he was doing his homework. His favorite radio show was &quot;Jet Bear George of the Space Frontier&quot;.
:'''Gramps''': ''[narrating]'' Only, the more interested he became with the radio, the further he fell behind in his schoolwork.
:''[As Papa as the cub is listening to his favorite radio show, his father Gramps turns off the radio. Like how Papa took away Brother's TV, bowl of popcorn, talking on the phone, music and video games until Brother catches up with his lot of homework, in said flashback, Gramps catches him. Gramps has also heard a letter from Papa's teacher about Papa falling behind with his homework. As a result, Gramps takes away Papa's radio privilege until Papa catches up. After Gramps turns off the radio, he tells Papa to catch up with his homework. Just as Papa did to Brother earlier when Brother became interested with music, TV, popcorn, talking on the phone and video games. In the flashback, the changes on Papa as a cub turns out that there is going to be no more radio and no more talking on the phone until he catches up with his homework. So Papa in frustration but not crying nor arguing, gets to his homework in the spite of the radio being off]''
:'''Gramps''': ''[narrating]'' And I made sure he got it done. I clamped down on him the way how he has been clamping down on you.
:''[The story finishes and goes back to the present day. This story is to teach Brother how he is going to catch up on his homework]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Maybe Papa does understand. ''[about his homework; even though he has the remainder of the &quot;no anything&quot; until he catches up with his homework]'' And I guess that I have not been doing a good job with keeping up on my homework.
:'''Gramps''': The worst thing that you can do with your homework is put it off until later.
:'''Gran''': Of course. It's called &quot;procrastination&quot;.
:'''Brother Bear''': Pro-crast-a-what?
:'''Gran''': Procrastination. That means &quot;putting off a job until tomorrow&quot;. It's when you know that a job should be done today.
:'''Gramps''': You're right. So from then on, Papa buckled down and did his homework every day. And when Papa did his homework, (even though he was never again allowed on the radio for falling behind with his homework, even though he was grounded from it forever), he became a much better student. 
:''[So Papa when he was a cub could never again be on the radio and furthermore. It was indeed forever for Papa since Gramps took away his radio and phone privileges permanently. In fact, Papa was grounded from it forever and could only leave the house to go to school. But even though he had the no radio and &quot;no anything&quot; forever --or in other words &quot;in the spite of being grounded from electronics forever&quot;-- he did his homework and was a much better student. He was a much better student in every school grade despite being grounded from radio and talking on the phone forever. When Papa did his homework, he did not get to earn back his radio and phone privileges because he was grounded from it forever. He never got them back. But he became a much better student when he did his homework.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': I understand, Gramps. 
:''[Brother however, still notices how his father back when he was in school became a much better student in the spite of being grounded from radio and phone privileges forever.]'' 
:'''Brother Bear''': But how am I ever going to be caught up?
:''[Brother at this point may also be grounded from TV, video games, talking on the phone, music, sports, and popcorn forever too. But in the spite of that, he may become a much better student like his father when he does a lot of his homework.]''
:'''Gramps''': You may ask Teacher Bob to give you a catch up period. I think he should go along with that. He is a pretty good guy.
:'''Brother Bear''': That's a good idea. But the first thing that I must do is go home and get some of it done today. 
:'''Gramps''': That's the spirit.
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[remembers how Papa did it when he was a cub from Gran and Gramps's said flashback]'' If Papa was able to do it, so can I.

===The Talent Show / The Haunted Lighthouse [1.9]===
:'''Teacher Bob''': I believe that everyone has a special talent, but sometimes it can take a little help to find out what it is.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[to Too-Tall]'' You want to be in the talent show?
:'''Cousin Fred''': Does having the hairiest knuckles count as a talent?
:'''Too-Tall''': Very funny.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': Hey! there's something outside!
:'''Papa Bear''': Huh?
:'''Mama Bear''': Huh?
:''[They all look outside the window]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Really, something was there! I saw it! It was glowing.
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[laughs]'' My guess would be it was your glowing imagination.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': This looks like a job for...
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': The Bear Detectives.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': We knew you were special, Captain Salt.
:'''Sister Bear''': You just needed to know it too.

===The Birthday Boy / The Green-Eyed Monster [1.10]===
:'''Lizzie''': Maybe you can make a movie about Brother.
:'''Sister Bear''': What's so special about him? He's just a brother.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': Basketballs weren't made to be gift wrapped.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': Showing someone how you feel about them can be the greatest gift of all.
:'''Papa Bear''': And you don't even have to wrap it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': Your car is running, Mr. Bruin.
:'''Mr. Bruin''': Yes, I guess I should be happy it's running at all.
:'''Mama Bear''': No, Mr. Bruin, he means it's running away!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Is the green-eyed monster still knocking, Papa?
:'''Papa Bear''': Yep, but I won't let him in.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[It is revealed that the green-eyed monster was exactly like Sister. But aside from Sister's normal outfit, she had green fur, green eyes, horns, and a reptilian monster tail]''
:'''Green-Eyed Monster''': ''[to Sister]'' Don't you think it's not fair that Brother gets the pretty bike and you get an old bike?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[riding on Brother's bicycle]'' I knew this bike wasn't too big for me!

===The Baby Chipmunk / The Wishing Star [1.11]===
:'''Sister Bear''': All Brown Eyes does is eat and sleep.
:'''Mama Bear''': Well, that's what babies do. When they aren't eating and sleeping, ...
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[giggles]'' They're sleeping and eating.
:'''Mama Bear''': Exactly.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': They say the first star you see at night you can make a wish on. That's why it's called the wishing star.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': It's really amazing how hard work and determination can magically give you what you deserve.

===Get the Gimmies / Lost In A Cave [1.12]===


:'''Mama Bear''': ''[voice over and first lines; just like from the book adaptation of said episode The Berenstain Bears Get the Gimmies]'' '''''&quot;When a cub's behavior takes a turn for the worst, it is hard for parents to know what to do first&quot;.'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The cubs get the gimmies at the supermarket. Their first fuss/tantrum is over the Rainbow Gob-Busters, Spy Bear Decoder rings and Bearbie stickers]''
:'''Brother Bear''': I want one of those rings, Mama.
:'''Sister Bear''': I want some stickers.
:'''Mama Bear''': Now what did I just tell you on the way here?
:'''Brother Bear''': Uh...Um...Well...
:'''Sister Bear''': I forget. 
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[reminds the cubs for the first time about not buying toys nor treats]'' That we are not here to buy treats. Now come along. (Please put those toys back for save money for paint)
:'''Mama Bear''': Why isn't that nice?
:'''Papa Bear''': Mm-hmm, It's a fine idea.
:'''Brother Bear''': What's a fine idea?
:'''Mama Bear''': The store has put these donation displays here to remind everyone to give to the different charities in our community.
:'''Papa Bear''': You two might think about donating some of the toys you've outgrown to the Sick Cubs Hospital.
:'''Brother Bear''': Hey, What's that?
:'''Sister Bear''': Oh.
:''[Brother takes Sister.]'':
:'''Brother Bear''': Look! They have chocolate covered marshmallow bears!
:'''Sister Bear''': Can we have one, Please, please?
:''[Brother and Sister make a fuss over about the chocolate covered marshmallow bears. It’s not even Valentines Day and Easter, it’s summer. They see that the candy --which the supermarket is selling-- is their favorite treats. They have gummy gumballs, chewy chompers, and chocolate covered marshmallow bears --all of Brother and Sister's favorite candy. Therefore, the cubs's second fuss/tantrum is about candy. And they begin to get the gimmies about it too.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[reminds the cubs for the second time about not buying toys nor treats]'' You know the answer. Now please put those back.
:'''Brother Bear''': [Sighs] Okay.
:'''Sister Bear''': [Sighs] Alright.
:'''Mama Bear''': It looks like this shopping trip is going to be the same as all the others.
:'''Papa Bear''': Hmm? Marshmallow and chocolate...?
:''[Pretty soon, Papa tries to get Mama to change her mind and let Brother and Sister buy toys and treats. He --who decides to not listen to Mama-- tries to buy himself and the cubs his and their favorite treats --which is the chocolate covered marshmallow bears. That is, only to get grabbed by Mama. Mama drags him out of the candy aisle. She does it as if to mean, &quot;Just say 'no'&quot;.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': Wow! Neat! Glow in the dark flyers! This would be lots of fun to play with it at night. Can I get it?
:'''Mama Bear''': No. I told you not more than ten minutes ago. 
:'''Sister Bear:''': Mama? Papa? Can I get this?
:'''Papa Bear''': An apple? Sure.
:'''Sister Bear''': Thanks!
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh, careful now, you'll bruise it!
:'''Sister Bear''': It's not a real apple, Papa, it's bouncy fruit. Neat, huh? They've got bouncy oranges and bouncy pears and bouncy bananas.
:'''Brother Bear''': Hey, if Sister can have bouncy fruit, then I can have this.
:''[The cubs's third &quot;fuss&quot; is about toys; glow in the dark frisbees and bouncy fruits. Mama then takes the toys and reminds them for the third time about not buying toys nor treats]''
:'''Mama Bear''': Now listen, you two. It's not your birthday, it is not Christmas, (it is not Valentine's Day), (it is not Easter), (and it is not Halloween). And it is not &quot;Give Your Cubs a Treat&quot; day. So you go and put these toys back right now. 
:''[Mama makes the cubs put the toys back to where they found them after telling them that they can put the toys back and forget about them. Because it's not their birthday, Halloween, Christmas, nor Easter. In other words, &quot;It is not their birthday or any holiday --whether it's Halloween, Christmas, Valentine's Day, or Easter&quot;.]'' 
:'''Papa Bear''': Give your cubs a treat day? (I have never heard of this holiday before.) When is that? 
:''[Papa is aware that there is appearance of a birthday, Halloween, Christmas, Valentine's Day, and Easter. But he has never heard about a &quot;Give Your Cubs a Toy/Treat&quot; day.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': There is no appearance of a plan. But the way Brother and Sister carry on, you always thought it was every day of the year.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The cubs's fourth and final fuss/tantrum is about toys --the rubber pussycats. The pussycats are revealed to be rubber toy cats that stick out their tongues when squeezed. First the cubs wanted Rainbow Gob-Busters, Spy Bear Decoder Rings, Bearbie stickers, then can’t, then bouncy fruit and glow in the dark flyer frisbees, a ride from the bucking frog, and now the rubber pussycats. Mama and Papa remind Brother and Sister for the fourth and final time about not buying toys nor treats.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': Now just hold on! We didn't come here (to the supermarket) to buy toys (nor treats)!
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[for the fourth and final time]'' Papa's right. 
:''[Mama has reminded the cubs four or more times about the &quot;toys and treats&quot; rule at the supermarket. It was not Brother and Sister's birthday not the holidays Halloween, Easter or Christmas, but it’s summer time. So Brother and Sister were specifically not allowed to ask for any toys nor treats. And the only thing that they could buy was groceries.]'' 
:'''Mama Bear''': Papa’s Right! Remember what I told you about buying toys and treats? 
:''[Brother however thinks it's OK to ask for toys and treats just because they are finished with their groceries --though he does not know that Mama and Papa said &quot;no asking for toys/treats at all at the supermarket&quot;]'' 
:'''Brother Bear''': But that was when we were getting our groceries. So we're finished now.
:'''Sister Bear''': And look at how cute they are!
:'''Papa Bear''': OH! ALL RIGHT! ''[Papa was irritated and embarrassed by giving their treats in the summer, not their birthday, Easter, Halloween and Christmas to give you that dollar for their rubber Pussycats and it’s the money problem and they’re broke for negative 300 dollars until November for Papa’s driving me tunas.]''
:'''Guy''': Thank you very much, sir and have a great day. 
:'''Papa Bear''': You’re welcome. ''[They are having a summer present]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Thanks, Papa ''[Not Brother’s birthday, nor Halloween, Christmas and Easter, it’s summer time present]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Thank you, Papa ''[Not Sister’s birthday, nor Halloween, Christmas, and Easter, it’s summer time present]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[roars in frustration and his voice is heard loud and clear so the cubs and Mama can hear it and Papa’s driving me tunas]'' &lt;big&gt;'''OF ALL OF THE OUTRAGIOUS, EMBARRASSING, DISGRACEFUL, AND SHAMEFUL BEHAVIOR! THAT WAS THE WORST CASE OF THE GALLOPING GIMMIES I HAVE EVER SEEN!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': You're right, Papa. But perhaps, it's partly our fault for giving in.
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[gets tired of his roaring in his Papa Bear voice as he continues his story about the cubs's greedy gimmies at the supermarket]'' &lt;big&gt;'''WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK WE COULD'VE DONE WITH ALL THOSE STRANGERS LOOKING AT US!? NOW I THINK IT IS TIME WE HAVE A TALK WITH OUR CUBS!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Papa calls the cubs down. At this, he is going to have a word. Brother and Sister really need a talking-to before they go any further.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[calling the cubs]'' BROTHER...!? SISTER...!?
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': Yes Papa?
:''[When Papa is tired of roaring, he calls the cubs in to the living room for a talking to and family meeting.]'' 
:'''Papa Bear''': Into the living room please. It's time for a family meeting.
:'''Papa Bear''': There are more important things in this world than getting as many treats (nor toys) that can get your hands on. Greedy cubs who only think of themselves can never really be happy. Do you know why? (The money is bad for buying rubber Pussycats.)'
:'''Cubs''': No.
:'''Papa Bear''': Because you can’t have everything you want in life all the time. Do you understand? (Not even Rainbow Gob-Busters, Spy Bear Decoder Rings, Bearbie stickers, candy, glow in the dark flyers, bouncy fruit, bucking frogs, and rubber Pussycats, than even save money for paint.)
:'''Cubs''': Yes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gramps and Gran have just arrived at the treehouse for a visit. Papa opens the door for his parents and welcomes them]''
:'''Gramps''': Hi there!
:'''Brother Bear''': What did you bring me?
:'''Sister Bear''': Yeah, what did you bring us?
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[about the cubs's behavior around Gramps and Gran]'' &lt;big&gt;'''I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TWO! YOU EVEN DIDN'T SAY &quot;HELLO&quot;!'''&lt;/big&gt; 
:''[Papa roars in his loudest Papa Bear voice after Brother and Sister got the gimmies on Gramps and Gran.]'' 
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''THAT’S IT! UP TO YOUR ROOM!'''&lt;/big&gt; 
:''[The cubs go upstairs to their bedroom.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''AND THERE IS GOING TO BE NO TV OR TREATS FOR A WEEK! FOR A MONTH! FOR A YEAR! (A LUSTRUM! A DECADE! A CENTURY! A MILLENNIUM!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[That means the cubs are not allowed to have TV nor treats for a week, a month, a year, or possibly a lustrum, a decade, a century, or even a millennium. It is their punishment for getting the gimmies at the supermarket and on Gramps and Gran. They're grounded for 5 to 1,000 years for their unruly behavior in the grocery store and now on Gramps and Gran. And it may be forever since it's an entire millennium but that is Brother and Sister's punishment. The cubs can only leave the treehouse to go to school while grounded from TV and treats for a millennium. They are grounded for one thousand whole years. Papa is telling them that they are grounded from TV and treats for 1,000 years and are not allowed to leave the house except for school. Now what Brother and Sister are to do --according to Papa-- is to go up to their room and spend more time thinking about proper behavior with their galloping greedy gimmies and correcting it while they do not use the TV or get treats for 1,000 years.]''
:'''Gramps''': ''[thinks that Papa is having a bad day]'' You're having a bad day, son?
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[sighs; after Brother and Sister have escaped]'' I'm sorry about the unpleasant welcome. Brother and Sister have the bad case of the galloping greedy gimmies. (But getting away with trouble for summery gift is never going to be served the same way for our selfish greedy cubs again.)
:'''Mama Bear''': The worst case yet. (But Papa is right. They are going to be grounded from television and treats until they learn to behave and stop with the galloping greedy gimmies.)
:''[Also, while grounded from TV and treats for one thousand years, the cubs also can only see their friends during school hours. That's the only time they can see their friends.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Gran and Gramps tell the story about when Papa was a cub and got the gimmies like Brother and Sister. Papa as a cub, always had it whenever he wanted toys and treats at Rufe's Grizzly General Store --or in other words &quot;everything in sight&quot;. When Papa was a cub, there were no shopping malls nor supermarkets back then. Malls and/or grocery stores --in Papa's young age-- at that time did not yet exist in the same format as they do in Brother and Sister's era. Although there were no malls or grocery stores at that time, there was Rufe's Grizzly General Store instead. The store --Rufe's Grizzly General Store-- worked exactly like a supermarket. But still, Papa --when he was a cub-- was like that. He would get the gimmies each time he and Gran and Gramps went to that store to buy groceries.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[as he and Sister have snuck out from their bedroom and are eavesdropping on Papa, Gran and Gramps's story about Papa when he was a gimmie cub]'' It's like how we fussed about the kitty cats. ''[Not even Halloween, Christmas, Easter and Brother &amp; Sister’s birthday, but summer present]''
:'''Sister Bear''': And embarrassed Papa. (And that's why we are grounded from television and treats for a millennium and we can't leave the house except for school.)
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[after Gran and Gramps tell their story about Papa as a gimmie cub]'' Well, I'm glad that you didn't give in. 
:'''Gramps''': I'm afraid we did.
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh?
:''[Then back to the flashback about Papa as a gimmie cub.]''
:'''Gramps''': ''[narrating]'' You got what you wanted that day.
:''[At this point, Papa got a toy. Because he could decide about what he wanted --whether it was candy, a toy, or a dinosaur book. And that was it. Then the next time when he, Gramps, and Gran went to the &quot;grocery store&quot; --Rufe's Grizzly General Store-- and got the gimmies, he and his family went right home. And he got nothing.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[As Brother and Sister are trying the &quot;Hello&quot; part to Gramps and Gran.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[to Gramps and Gran]'' Yes. And if you have brought us something (toys and/or treats), you can just leave it in the car. Because we are not even thinking about it.
:''[Sister and Brother do this as if to say, &quot;Let's not even think about it&quot;. That is, even though if they really think Gramps and Gran brought them candy or toys, even if they have it, Brother and Sister are not going to get the gimmies. Rewarding the rescue, Papa eventually changes his mind to reduce the grounding --as they are still grounded by TV and treats and can only leave the house to go to school. However, it is reduced to a week. But then they still notice that they are grounded from TV and treats for a week. In the spite of that though, they did much better with Gramps and Gran.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': You never can tell what a cave is going to be like on the inside, just like from what it looks like on the outside.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': Look! Wow! Real, live fossils.
:'''Cousin Fred''': Maybe a million years ago they were alive!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': Things that seem scary really aren't, once you know what they really are.
:'''Cousin Fred''': I know. There's a logical explanation for everything.
:'''Brother Bear''': Exactly! ''[his voice echoes]''

===Too Much Junk Food / Go To Camp [1.13]===
:'''Dr. Grizzly''': Exercise is an important part of a healthy lifestyle.
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[panting]'' I agree with you, one hundred percent.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[panting]'' Gees, I don't get this tired when I play baseball.
:'''Brother Bear''': Well, you're running much farther than second base, Sis.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[as he, Sister and Brother prepare to head back to the treehouse from Dr. Grizzly's office]'' Well cubs, it's time for us to get our trains back on the track.
:'''Sister Bear''': You're right, Papa.
:''[Sister starts chugging and whistling like a train, recalling Dr. Grizzly's mention of it her nutrition lesson]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[mimics a train chugging and whistling]'' Choo-choo! Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga, choo-choo!
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[following Sister]'' Whoo-whoo! ''[looking back toward Brother; chuckles]'' Get on board, son. Whoo-whoo!
:'''Brother Bear''': I... I think I'll walk. I need the exercise.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': I have an idea. Why not we go and celebrate by opening up the freezer and...!?
:''[Though Papa, Brother and Sister are able to have sweets occasionally since a little is potentially okay but just a little or using it sparingly according to Dr. Grizzly, they want to go back to having healthy food for most days of the week or almost every day. So Mama and the cubs stop him from mentioning &quot;junk food&quot;. The plans that the cubs have had is to have a little sweets occasionally or use it sparingly, but otherwise stick to healthy food]''
:'''Mama Bear''': Uh-uh-uh, it is far too easy to fall back into the junk food habit. 
:''[Aside from the junk food snacks that Brother and Sister can have occasionally, he mentions the healthy snacks which he and Sister have been having and sticking with almost every day --either at the mall which is frozen yogurt instead of gumballs and candy, or at the movies which is nuts and raisins instead of popcorn, or when watching TV which is apple slices.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[puts in an idea to celebrate, but to cut sugar]'' Well, celebrate with carrot sticks.
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[puts in another idea, also to cut sugar]'' And nuts and raisins.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Do you think this sleep-out is a good idea?
:'''Brother Bear''': No.
:'''Sister Bear''': Oh, good.
:'''Brother Bear''': I think it's a great idea!

==External links==
{{wikipedia|The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series)}}

[[Category:The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series) seasons|1]]</text>
      <sha1>jauqlpjd9nozyhly2l5i01imvqzr3jq</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147906</id>
      <parentid>3147903</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T23:44:16Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>174.21.118.177</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Get the Gimmies / Lost In A Cave [1.12] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="60307" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Seasons:''' [[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 1)|1]] [[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 2)|2]] [[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 3)|3]]  | [[The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series)|Main]]
----

The following is a list of quotes from the first season of ''[[The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series)|The Berenstain Bears]]''.

===Trouble At School / Visit The Dentist [1.1]===
:''[first lines of the series]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[voice over and first lines; just like from the book adaptation of said episode The Berenstain Bears and the Trouble at School]'' '''''&quot;When a problem at school is kept secret too long, it can grow until a cub thinks everything is wrong!&quot;'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Sister --after bringing Brother a folder of make-up math homework-- sees Brother still playing with his dinosaur models. Brother --refusing to do it-- still plays with his dinosaur collection. He has four giant --large-- models of dinosaurs. On his bed, there is a toy Brachiosaurus, a toy Stegosaurus, a toy Triceratops, and a toy Tyrannosaurus Rex.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[to Brother]'' If you can hold a (model) dinosaur, you can hold a pencil!
:''[While Brother had been having fun at home and not working, his fellow student cubs had been hard on work. In math, Brother's students were learning about a new math lesson. They learned about addition and subtraction --perhaps to double digit addition and subtraction through 99, three digit addition and subtraction through 999, and four digit addition and subtraction through 9,999. Now --finished with addition and subtraction-- they were learning about multiplication and division. Indeed, they learned multiplication and division. They learned multiplication and division facts through 9. Brother is supposed to be studying his multiplication and division problems on the math homework for the division quiz. He has not studied the work folder of math homework --of addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division-- since Monday. His math homework was about multiplication and division. And he has fallen behind with his math homework since Monday.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Before the division quiz starts]''
:'''Teacher Bob''': If you all take your seats, we can all get started on the math test (the division quiz). 
:''[Teacher Bob certainly hopes that Brother practiced and studied the math folder. Because today is the division quiz. The division quiz is about division facts through 9.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Teacher Bob''': ''[to the other student cubs]'' Goodbye, kids. See you tomorrow. (Remember, anyone with four or more mistakes must go home, have your parents sign the test, and study all weekend. And you can retake the division quiz on Monday.)
:''[Every cub in Teacher Bob's class did great on the division quiz except Brother who got every division problem wrong. Even though most of the students did great --and got good grades like an &quot;A&quot;, &quot;B&quot;, or &quot;C&quot;-- there was one &quot;F&quot; and that was Brother]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Uh oh...! This can't be good...!
:'''Teacher Bob''': I'm afraid it isn't, Brother!
:''[Teacher Bob then reveals the division quiz. Not only did Brother get all eighty one questions wrong on the division quiz. But also, Teacher Bob marked Brother a zero. Brother sees the zero on his division test. There is a big, fat number &quot;0&quot; on the test. He also catches sight of the phrase on it. Teacher Bob wrote on the division quiz, &quot;VERY POOR! MUST BE SIGNED BY PARENT!&quot;.]''
:'''Brother Bear''':  &lt;big&gt;'''A &quot;ZERO&quot; (0)!?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Teacher Bob asks Brother if he studied.]''
:'''Teacher Bob''': Didn't you study the math worksheets which I sent home with your sister?
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[tries to talk in between coughs]'' Well, I was pretty sick. It took a lot out of me --including that flu bug. 
:'''Teacher Bob''': Hmmm?
:'''Brother Bear''': But I think I should be okay now. And I cannot wait to get those work sheets done!
:'''Teacher Bob''': I am happy to hear that.
:'''Brother Bear''': Oh, well. I better go and catch the bus.
:''[Before Brother heads off for the bus, Teacher Bob talks to him about the division test which he got a zero for.]''
:'''Teacher Bob''': ''[to Brother]'' Oh, one more thing. Please have your parents sign the division quiz and turn it in again tomorrow.
:''[What Teacher Bob means by that is, he means to tell Brother that his parents must sign the test. Then Brother must study all weekend and he can retake the division quiz on Monday.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Brother looks at his test which was about division --which was about division facts 0 through 9.]''
:'''Brother Bear''':  Even the flu is worse than this!
:''[Mama and Papa are busy taking care of Sister and they do not notice Brother's division quiz where he got a great big zero on]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[thinks out loud that he doesn't like school, soccer, and division]'' &lt;big&gt;'''PHOOEY ON SCHOOL! PHOOEY ON MATH (MULTIPLICATION AND DIVISION)! PHOOEY ON EVERYTHING!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Brother folds his division quiz into a paper airplane and sails it out so neither him nor his family can see it and it lands near an old log]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The scene cuts to Gramps and Gran's dining room. Brother is at their table having milk and chocolate chip cookies.]''
:'''Gran''': Dear me!
:''[Gran chuckles a little.]''
:'''Gran''': This division quiz has more wrinkles then I do. 
:''[Gran rolls out the division quiz like she is rolling out cookie dough flat.]''
:'''Gran''': Well, that is about the best I can do. 
:''[After Gran rolls out Brother's division quiz to flatten it and get rid of the wrinkles after he folded it into a paper airplane.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[to Gran]'' It looks much better than it did. 
:''[Indeed, the division quiz is way better than it did --thanks to the fact that Gran flattened out the quiz to get rid of the wrinkles. But there was just one problem. Because Brother --in the spite of the fact that his division test is way better-- he looks at the big, fat zero. Because he got zero out of eighty one questions correctly on the test.]'' 
:'''Brother Bear''': (Well, it may look much better.) But it still has a great big &quot;0&quot; (zero) on it!
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[shows the zero on his division test]'' I told you it was pretty bad.
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[as he's about to sign the division test]'' Pretty bad? Can it get any worse than a zero?
:'''Gramps''': Well, it can get worse when you don't tell your parents and don't get on the school bus.
:'''Brother Bear''': That's for sure.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cousin Freddy''': I had no idea so many gooey gums can fit into one bag.
:'''Brother Bear''': Well, this way I'll have enough to last a while.
:'''Cousin Freddy''': A while? You'll have enough to last until next year.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': You'd better make sure you put your tooth under your pillow tonight.
:'''Sister Bear''': Why?
:'''Brother Bear''': Why? For the tooth fairy, of course.
:'''Sister Bear''': No way! This is my first tooth. I'm keeping it!
:''[Mama and Brother start laughing]''

===Mama's New Job / The Mighty Milton [1.2]===
:'''Mama Bear''': I've got a job! I'm going to start my own quilt-making business!
:'''Papa Bear, Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[together]'' Huh?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': No! You can't have them! These are our quilts! Mama made them for us!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cousin Freddy''': If you ask me, Too Tall doesn't think, period.

===Go To School / The Week at Grandma's [1.3]===
:'''Mama Bear''': Oh dear, you've worked yourself into a tizzy!
:'''Sister Bear''': Mama, I don't want to go to school, I want to stay home with you! I could help you make pies!
:'''Papa Bear''': Did somebody say &quot;pie&quot;? I've got the apples an' Shift Cars. All I need is someone with pie-making know how.
:'''Mama Bear''': I have an easy recipe for pie. You've followed recipes before, Papa!
:'''Papa Bear''': Uh, but not for pie.......I can't make pies!
:'''Mama Bear''': Well, I've got a photo album to find.
:'''Brother Bear''': Why are you getting the photo album out, Mama?
:'''Mama Bear''': I was just thinking back to when Sister was as worried about going to kindergarten, as she is about going to third grade.
:'''Sister Bear''': I loved kindergarten!
:'''Mama Bear''': Well, yes. Once you got there you did.
:'''Sister Bear''': Miss Honey Bear was really nice, and that's where I met Lizzie, and they had lots of toys, and...
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' Yes, yes. That's right, Sister. But you didn't know all those things before you went, you were very worried.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': Do you know what a synonym is?
:''[Sister mistakenly believes Brother said &quot;cinnamon&quot; and therefore mistakes it for &quot;cinnamon&quot; even though he said &quot;synonyms&quot;.]''
:'''Sister Bear''':  Uh-huh. It is my favorite spice. Like synonym toast and synonym rolls.
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[he corrects her]'' That is &quot;cinnamon&quot;. I said &quot;synonyms&quot;. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': I don't want to go to kindergarten, Mama. I want to stay here with you!
:'''Mama Bear''': Sister, I know new things can sometimes be upsetting. But if we don't try them, we don't grow and learn. That's what kindergarten is all about.
:'''Sister Bear''': What if the teacher doesn't like me?
:'''Mama Bear''': Why wouldn't she like you? You're a very likeable cub!
:'''Brother Bear''': Yeah, well most of the time.
:'''Mama Bear''': I know Miss Honey Bear will be happy to have you in her kindergarten class.
:'''Sister Bear''': But I can't go tomorrow! I'm too busy.
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[gasps]'' Too busy? 
:'''Sister Bear''': I promised Brother I'd make a picture.
:'''Brother Bear''': You can make me a picture at kindergarten, Sister. They've got lots of paint, and crayons, and every color you can think of.
:'''Sister Bear''': But I want to hear my storybooks!
:'''Mama Bear''': They have lots of books at kindergarten, too. With stories you haven't heard before.
:'''Sister Bear''': I was going to build something with my blocks.
:'''Papa Bear''': They have enough blocks to build a castle at kindergarten. That was one of Brother's things about school.
:'''Brother Bear''': There's a tub of blocks bigger than you.
:'''Mama Bear''': What do you say, Sister? Can you give kindergarten a try?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': And so, you went with Brother on the bus for your first day of school.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Is it all right if I sit here?
:'''Lizzie''': Uh-huh!
:''[When they got to school, back then]''
:'''Miss Honey Bear''': Welcome to Bear Country School. My name is Miss Honey Bear, and I'm your new kindergarten teacher! Would you like to come inside and meet your new classmates?
:''[When it was time for recess, back then]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[gasps]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Mama! Why are you here?
:'''Mama Bear''': Oh, I just thought I would stop by to see how you were doing.
:'''Sister Bear''': I'm having fun! Brother was right, they do have lots of paint colors, more than a hundred! 
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' Is that right?
:'''Sister Bear''': And they do have a big tub of blocks, just like Papa said. Lizzie and I built a giant castle!
:'''Mama Bear''': Lizzie?
:'''Sister Bear''': Uh-huh! She's my new friend!
:'''Lizzie''': New best friend!
:'''Mama Bear''': Pleased to meet you, Lizzie!
:'''Lizzie''': Hi, we're having recess!
:'''Mama Bear''': And what do you do at recess?
:'''Sister Bear''': Um, do you know?
:'''Lizzie''': This is my first one! 
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' I'll help you get started! Come on over to the swings and I'll push you.
:'''Sister  Bear''': OK!
:'''Lizzie''': That's a good idea!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': Huh?
:'''Sister Bear''': Suitcases?
:'''Mama Bear''': So our reservations for Grizzly Mountain Lodge are all set? Thank you so much, see you soon.
:'''Brother Bear''': Reservations?
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': We're going on vacation!
:'''Mama Bear''': Well, actually, it's a second honeymoon.
:'''Brother Bear''': Still sounds like fun.
:'''Sister Bear''': Mmmm...especially the honey part.
:'''Papa Bear''': I haven't seen these in ages. I wonder if my serve is still...... ''[grunts]'' Ow!
:'''Brother Bear''': Papa, are you okay?
:'''Sister Bear''': Maybe you should just let Brother and me play tennis on the honeymoon.
:'''Brother Bear''': And you and Mama can keep score.
:'''Mama Bear''': Sorry, sweeties, but honeymoons aren't for cubs. Honeymoons are special trips that couples go on after they get married. It's an old tradition.
:'''Papa Bear''': Grizzly Mountain Lodge is where Mama and I went on our first honeymoon.
:'''Brother Bear''': But, what about us?
:'''Mama Bear''': Well, you're going on a special trip of your own.
:'''Brother Bear''': Is it Grizzly World?
:'''Sister Bear''': Is it Honeycomb Amusement Park?
:'''Mama Bear''': You're going to grandma's.
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': Gran's?
:'''Brother Bear''': That should do it. Board games, books, yo-yo. I wonder if I should bring my chemistry set.
:'''Sister Bear''': I'm bringing puzzles, coloring books, and teddy.
:'''Papa Bear''': Beep beep. Coming through! Hey, what's all this doing out here?
:'''Brother Bear''': Well, we are going to Gran's for a whole week. We need to keep busy.
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' Come on, now. You always have fun at Gran's house without all this stuff!
:'''Brother Bear''': When we go for one afternoon, maybe. ''[whispers to Mama Bear]'' and Gran and Gramps are, well, old.
:'''Sister Bear''': Maybe they'll want to take naps all day. 
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[grunts]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Papa, what about our toys?
:'''Papa Bear''': You won't need all those. You're going to have too much fun with Gran and Gramps. I wonder if the lodge still has canoe rides on the lake.
:'''Mama Bear''': And live music in the dance hall.
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[sighs]'' Mama and Papa are going to have all the fun.
:'''Sister Bear''': And we're going to have none.
:'''Gran''': See you next week. Drive safely.
:'''Mama Bear''': Bye. 
:'''Papa Bear''': Have fun.
:'''Gran''': Come on, cubs.

===The Trouble With Pets / The Sitter [1.4]===
:'''Sister Bear''': I want something that is warm and cuddly.
:'''Brother Bear''': If you want a pet that's warm and cuddly, you should just get your old blanket.
:'''Sister Bear''': Well, if you want a pet that's cold and slimy, you should get some slime.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': Looking after a puppy is a round-the-clock job.
:'''Papa Bear''': It isn't something you can just put off until later when it's more convenient.

===Too Much TV / Trick or Treat [1.5]===
:'''Brother Bear''': Give it to me!
:'''Sister Bear''': No way! It's my turn to choose!
:''[The cubs are in the living room trying to get the TV remote. By fighting over the TV remote control, Brother and Sister are fighting over what TV programs they are going to watch.]'' 
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WE'RE NOT WATCHING &quot;BEAR WRESTLING&quot;!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''':  &lt;big&gt;'''THERE IS NO WAY I AM WATCHING &quot;LITTLE TREEHOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE&quot;!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The two grunt to get the remote. They are fighting over whether to watch &quot;Bear Wrestling&quot; or &quot;Little Treehouse on the Prairie&quot;. So both wrestle to get the remote.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[off-screen]'' &lt;big&gt;'''OKAY, THAT'S IT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The controller falls out of Brother and Sister's hands and flies straight into Mama's hand]''
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NO TV FOR A WEEK!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Mama turns the TV off with the controller. Soon, Brother and Sister hear that they are grounded from TV for a week due to the whole family watching too much TV. After not only watching too much TV, but also with Brother and Sister fighting over the TV, Mama has decided to take away the TV privilege.]''
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': But, Mama...!
:''[Mama tries to get them being used to being grounded from it for a week. And therefore, she cuts off their arguing sentence.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': No, sir, I mean it.
:''[Papa enters the living room with sandwiches on the plate as he's ready to watch some of the hockey playoffs.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Papa, Mama told us we can't watch TV for a whole week.
:'''Papa Bear''': Your Mama's got a point. You two cubs have been watching far too much television lately. 
:''[The cubs look upset]'' 
:'''Papa Bear''': Now, if you don't mind, I'm just going to catch some of the hockey playoffs. 
:''[Papa then says that there may be a sports show on TV that he wants to watch. So he picks up the controller. But Mama takes it from Papa.]'' 
:'''Papa Bear''': Huh?
:''[Mama grounds Papa from the TV and he gets no TV for a week too.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[to Papa]'' You too, Papa. ''[then to the whole family]'' For once, the whole family is going to be TV free.
:''[This also means the whole family is grounded from TV for a week too. As for Brother and Sister, they are grounded from TV for a week and can only leave the house to go to school. By exact words, Mama means to them that they can only see their friends during school hours and are to come straight home after school. No TV, no friends's houses, and no park/playground while grounded from TV for a week. However, Brother and Sister are able to go outside while grounded from TV for a week, but no friends's houses.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[sees a wrestling show while in his workshop]'' HA! I didn't see that coming!
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[off-screen; as she and the cubs catches Papa from watching TV even though Mama had said, &quot;No TV for a week!&quot;]'' And you didn't see me coming!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': Rain or no rain! &quot;No TV for a week!&quot;, means &quot;No TV for a week!&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': Looks like you skipped Widder Jones' house.
:'''Brother Bear''': Yeah. We kinda... did that on purpose.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[to Mama; talking about Widder Jones]'' She's a witch!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Skuzz''': We're going to put the trick back in Trick or Treating.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Mama wouldn't be friends with a witch now, would she?
:'''Brother Bear''': Hmm, I suppose you're right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': It’s Too Tall and his gang! They’re not here for the Treats, just the tricks!
:'''Widder Jones''': I understand perfectly! And I am more than happy to oblige. Watch this!
:''[Widder Jones pulls a rope, Too-Tall, Smirk and Skuzz pop out of a bush and Vampire bats swarm them.]''
:'''Too Tall''': Watch Out! Vampire bats! They’re after us!
:'''Smirk''': Aah! Get away!
:'''Skuzz''': Aah! They’re gonna get us!
:'''All''': ''[Laughing]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Wow! That’ll teach them!
:'''Lizzy''': But, they’re still coming back!
:'''Widder Jones''': Maybe they wants some more tricks!
:''[Widder Jones pulls another rope, Too-Tall and his gang pop out from behind a tree, as ghosts appear.]''
:'''Too-Tall and his Gang''': Ghosts! ''[Screaming]''.
:'''All''': ''[Laughing]''.
:'''Widder Jones''': So, Brother. How would you like to play the final trick!
:'''Brother Bear''': Okay.
:'''Widder Jones''': Just turn this on and watch the fun!
:'''Brother''': 5, 4, 3, 2, 1! ''[Flicks a switch]''
:'''Skuzz''': This isn't much fun as I thought it would be!
:''[Suddenly, skeletons appear out of nowhere.]''
:'''Too-Tall and his Gang''': ''[Screaming]''.
:'''Too-Tall''': Let’s get out of here!
:'''Too-Tall and his Gang''': ''[Screaming]''.
:'''All''': ''[Laughing]''.
:'''Too-Tall and his Gang''': ''[Screaming]''.

===The Trouble With Money / The Double Dare [1.6]===
:'''Mama Bear''': Sometimes when people are so busy working hard, they can forget about other important things in their lives.
:'''Papa Bear''': Even mamas and papas forget about very important things.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': I guess I've been too busy.
:'''Cousin Fred''': That's a surprise!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[been bullied by the big cubs Too-Tall, Smirk and Skuzz]'' Brother, Brother!
:'''Brother Bear''': What's wrong, Sis?
:''[Sister reports to Brother about Too-Tall and his gang Smirk and Skuzz. They stole her jump rope while she and her own friends were playing.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': (Some big cubs) Too-Tall and his gang, they took my jump rope! I tried to get them to give it back! But they are still not going to give it to me!
:''[After hearing what Sister has said about Too-Tall, Smirk, and Skuzz --the big cubs-- Brother's concern and shock turns into a total outrage. He knows that he is getting to the bottom of his patience about the big cubs at the park who are always picking on little cubs like him and his Sister. And they stole Sister's jump rope.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[angrily about Too-Tall and his gang Smirk and Skuzz who were picking on Sister and stole her jump rope]'' &lt;big&gt;'''THREE AGAINST ONE! AND YOU ARE ONLY HALF THEIR SIZE! I CANNOT BELIEVE THOSE GUYS! (I JUST DON'T BELIEVE IT!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': You think you can get it back for me?
:''[Brother --in response-- runs off to the park to find the bullies and dares Sister to try and stop him --the bullies Too-Tall, Smirk and Skuzz.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[daring Sister to just try it --to try and stop him]'' &lt;big&gt;'''JUST TRY AND STOP ME! (AND THEY BETTER GIVE IT BACK OR ELSE!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[At this, Brother means that if Too-Tall, Smirk, and Skuzz do not give Sister back her jump rope, he is going to let them have it.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Too-Tall was indeed jumping with Sister's rope --playing jump rope with it-- until Brother showed up.]''
:'''Too-Tall''': Tell you what, Brother! You want it back? Come and get it!
:'''Brother Bear''': All right! I am doing that!
:''[Brother attempts to cross the log bridge. Skuzz then taunts to Brother about his fall if he falls into the water.]''
:'''Skuzz''': ''[to Brother about his fall]'' &lt;big&gt;'''ONE FALSE MOVE AND YOU'RE GOING TO (FALL INTO THE WATER AND) HAVE A CHILLY SWIM!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Indeed, that was not a smart thing for Skuzz to say --saying that Brother has a chilly swim if he falls into the water.]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Brother, Too-Tall, Smirk, and Skuzz are trespassing in Farmer Ben's watermelon patch trying to steal one of the watermelons. Farmer Ben stands like a scarecrow. But from the moment Brother picks out the biggest watermelon and after he breaks off the stem from the watermelon vine and picks it up, Farmer Ben from his &quot;scarecrow pose&quot; sees Brother then opens his eyes.]''
:'''Farmer Ben''': ''[runs up to Brother and catches him]'' GOTCHA! 
:''[Farmer Ben glares and grabs Brother.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': HELP! LET ME GO!
:''[Too-Tall, Smirk and Skuzz see Farmer Ben]''
:'''Too-Tall''': RUN FOR IT!
:''[Too-Tall and his gang run away screaming. Farmer Ben does not know they have dee double dared Brother. But he is on to Brother. Just when Brother has one of the watermelons, Farmer Ben catches Brother.]''
:'''Farmer Ben''': ''[after Too-Tall and his gang run away]'' &lt;big&gt;'''BROTHER BEAR?! WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING STEALING WATERMELONS WITH TOO-TALL AND HIS NO GOOD GANG!?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[not lying, he tells a story; but a true one]'' First they dared me...! And then, they double dared me...! &lt;big&gt;'''AND FINALLY, THEY DEE DOUBLE DARED ME!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Farmer Ben''': That dee double dare (by Too-Tall and his gang) is so hard to resist.
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[continues his dee-double dare story]'' I wanted to walk away. But then they called me chicken! 
:''[Brother ends his story, then apologizes to Farmer Ben as he knew he should not have been in his watermelon patch to steal one of the watermelons]''
:'''Brother Bear''': I am sorry, Farmer Ben.
:'''Farmer Ben''': Well, it is okay, Brother Bear. I won't call in and tell your parents about this one watermelon stealing mistake.
:''[It turns out Brother Bear is lucky that Farmer Ben did not tell his parents. Farmer Ben tells Brother that for just this one watermelon stealing mistake, he is not going to tell Brother's parents about it.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After the watermelon incident with Farmer Ben --and Brother got the watermelon-- the scene cuts to Too-Tall, Smirk, and Skuzz. Brother comes back with them --with a watermelon slice that Farmer Ben gave him.]''
:'''Too-Tall''': Brother?! You got away with it! And you got the watermelon.
:'''Skuzz''': ''[gives Brother a thumbs up]'' Way to go.
:'''Smirk''': ''[also gives Brother a thumbs up]'' You're the man!
:'''Too-Tall''': Come on, ''[off-screen]'' we're going to have more fun at the Widder Jones' house.
:'''Brother Bear''': No way.
:'''Too-Tall''': ''[as he and his gang stops walking]'' Oh, really? well, I dare you to come with us.
:'''Brother Bear''': Not this time.
:'''Too-Tall''': ''[off-screen]'' Okay, then, ''[on-screen]'' I double dare you.
:'''Brother Bear''': Nope. Not interested.
:'''Too-Tall''': ''[teases Brother]'' What the matter? Chicken?
:''[Smirk and Skuzz are miming like chickens]''
:'''Brother Bear''': I'm not chicken, and I'm not a sheep either. 
:'''Too-Tall''': Okay Brother...! &lt;big&gt;'''I DEE DOUBLE DARE YOU TO COME WITH US TO THE WIDDER JONES'S HOUSE!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[In the spite of being dee-double dared by Too-Tall and his gang, after considering the consequences, he still says &quot;No&quot;. Because he discovers that there are consequences if he follows Too-Tall and the gang to the Widder Jones's house]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[to Too-Tall]'' That stuff may have worked before, but it won't (ever again) now! ''[knowing about the consequences, then he heads back to the treehouse]'' See you later. I'm going home.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Farmer Ben comes out of the bushes. He is going to come over and talk to Too-Tall, Smirk and Skuzz about the dee-double dare incident which they just put on Brother when they and Brother invaded his watermelon patch. Then he threatens of what he is going to do with Too-Tall, Smirk, and Skuzz if he ever again hears about any more shenanigans --most likely, the parents of Too-Tall, Smirk, and Skuzz are going to hear from him.]''
:'''Farmer Ben''': ''[to Too-Tall and his gang about the watermelon patch]'' Too Tall...! &lt;big&gt;'''IF I CATCH YOU OR ANY OF YOUR GANG IN MY WATERMELON PATCH AGAIN...!'''&lt;/big&gt; 
:''[Farmer Ben moves in closer to the gang.]'' 
:'''Farmer Ben''': &lt;big&gt;'''...YOUR PARENTS ARE GONNA HEAR FROM ME! NOW GET ON HOME!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Smirk''': ''[hears the warning from Farmer Ben]'' We're...! We're sorry, Farmer Ben.
:'''Skuzz''': Thank you, Farmer Ben. It...! It’ll never happen again.
:'''Too-Tall''': Please don't tell our parents...!
:''[Too-Tall, Smirk and Skuzz turn their backs and run away screaming after promising Farmer Ben that it never again is going to happen --as they have listened to the warning from Farmer Ben. Indeed that is true. According to Farmer Ben, Too Tall's parents --and Smirk and Skuzz's too-- are going to hear from him if he ever again catches Too-Tall in his watermelon patch. Then the bullies --Too-Tall, Smirk, and Skuzz-- scream and run away after hearing his warning. When Farmer Ben had told them to &quot;get on home&quot;, they quickly run off home before Farmer Ben calls in and tells their parents.]''
:'''Farmer Ben''': ''[chuckles]'' Those cubs make my chickens look tough. ''[chuckles]''

===Out For The Team / Count Their Blessings [1.7]===
:'''Brother Bear''': Why did Sister sign up for baseball tryouts anyway? Why couldn't she be good at something else? Baseball is my game, not hers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': Well, Mama. It feels good to have raised two star athletes!
:'''Mama Bear''': It sure does, Papa.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[to Mama]'' You're talking to yourself. ''[chuckles]'' That's not a good sign.
:'''Mama Bear''': You're right. I'm being silly!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': Listen to yourselves. All you EVER do is complain about what you don't have.
:'''Papa Bear''': What about being thankful for all the things you have?
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': Huh?
:'''Mama Bear''': It's called counting your blessings.

===The Slumber Party / The Homework Hassle [1.8]===
:'''Queenie''': Did I hear you say you're having a slumber party? Can I come?
:'''Lizzie''': Sure you can come. what's one more?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[That night, the sleepover was cancelled. The Bruins have --offscreen-- called in and told the other cubs's parents. Soon the scene cuts to the outside of Lizzy's treehouse. After parents are called in and told, Lizzy was sent to bed. As for Sister and the others --Sister, the other girls, and Too-Tall and his gang-- they are sent home. The angry and disappointed parents arrive to take the children --Sister, the other girls, Too-Tall, Smirk, and Skuzz-- home. Later, the scene cuts to Mama --very angry and disappointed-- is on to Sister about her behavior at the Bruins's house for a sleepover. Mama takes Sister by the hand and drags her back to the treehouse into the night.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': Sister, I am so disappointed in you! (After all the things I said about privilege and responsibility!)
:''[The scene then cuts to the Bear family's treehouse.]'' 
:'''Mama Bear''': You are grounded young lady! One day in your room and one full week in the house (except for school)!
:''[Sister sadly walks upstairs to her bedroom. She is grounded and sent to bed. She has to spend one day in her bedroom and one full week/month/year/decade/century/millennium in the treehouse. In other words --and in total--  &quot;She is grounded --one day in her bedroom and one thousand full years in the treehouse&quot;. That is, by the grounded saying from Mama. She is grounded for one thousand years and can only leave the house to go to school while grounded. The scene cuts to the Bear family's dining room.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[as now Mama is in with a cup of tea]'' That bad. Huh?
:''[Mama talks to Papa about the Bruins's living room. That is, as if Papa had seen it too.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[about the Bruins's living room]'' You should have seen the place! Popcorn stuck to everything, juice spills all over the carpet, and furniture was knocked this way and that! It was an absolute disgrace! Everything that I said about privilege and responsibility! In one ear and out the other!
:'''Papa Bear''': Sister does have to share the blame. But it sounds like there were quite a few at this slumber party. Well, maybe it was one of those situations where one thing lead to another and things got completely out of control. I’m sure it would’ve gotten out of hand if the Bruins had been home. 
:'''Mama Bear''': If we knew they were going out, we could’ve suggested that Sister attended the sleep over some other time. Or that the girls had the sleep over here. 
:'''Papa Bear''': Hmm but we didn’t. It was our responsibility to call them. Part of the responsibility that comes with the privilege of having cubs.
:'''Mama Bear''': So we’re partially to blame. 
:'''Papa Bear''': Privilege and responsibility go for parents as well as cubs. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Queenie''': This was a good idea for us all to come over and help clean up, Sister.
:'''Lizzie''': Hey, I know. Everyone's doing such a good job. I think we should make this a clean up party.
:'''Sister Bear''': Let's not Lizzie. And if you don't mind, I rather not hear the word &quot;party&quot; again for a long time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[voice over and first lines; just like from the book adaptation of said episode The Berenstain Bears and the Homework Hassle]'' '''''&quot;If you're a bear for TV, loud music, eat popcorn and fun, how are you gonna get your homework done?&quot;'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[picks up the letter from Brother's teacher before reading it]'' Hmm...? 
:''[Mama finds an old but one hundred percent clear letter in Brother's backpack]''
:'''Letter from Teacher Bob''': ''I regret to report that Brother Bear has fallen too far behind with his homework.''
:''Please call me.''
:''Yours truly,''
:''Teacher Bob''
:''[Mama reads the letter that she got out from Brother's backpack which is from his teacher; Teacher Bob]'' 
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[reading]'' ''Dear Parent,'' 
:''I regret to inform you...!'' 
:''[Mama reads it. Not only she has found garbage including an old banana peel, a brown apple core, and a moldy piece of bread which Brother had for lunch at school called peanut butter and garbage (trash). But also, there is an old and wrinkled but &quot;loud and clear&quot; letter from Brother's teacher about his homework. By reading the letter, Brother has fallen too far behind in his homework, and the letter orders Mama or Papa to call Teacher Bob as it says, &quot;Please call me&quot;. Then to Papa after she hears from the letter that Brother is falling behind in his homework. Papa takes the letter from Mama and he reads it too]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[to Papa after he reads the letter from Brother's teacher]'' It looks like you and I better have a talk with our son!
:''[The scene cuts to Brother with the TV who is too busy having fun. What Brother has with him is a bowl of popcorn on the TV, a TV which is showing his favorite TV show &quot;The Bear Stooges&quot;, and a boom box. For homework, he has --on the table-- some school books, a pile of homework worksheets, and a pencil too.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': If you did a little bit of homework every day, it wouldn't pile up to a mountain of work! ''[shows Brother the rest of his untouched homework]'' Which is what you have here!
:'''Brother Bear''': Oh...!
:'''Mama Bear''': I'm afraid Papa's right. There are going to have to be some changes around here (until you're all caught up and lot of homework). 
:'''Brother Bear''': Like what?
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[about what the changes are going to be on Brother until he catches up. It is just up to him and his homework until he is all caught up]'' Like no more music, no more TV, no more popcorn, no more talking on the phone.
:'''Sister Bear''': What about video games, Papa? ''[smiles cleverly]''
:'''Papa Bear''': And no more video games (and furthermore)! It's up to you and your homework until you get caught up!
:'''Brother Bear''': But you don't understand, that'll take forever!
:'''Papa Bear''': Then you better get started with that homework!
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[sadly jumps off the couch and heads to the back door]'' Oh...!
:'''Papa Bear''': Where are you going?
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[sadly; to Papa]'' I'm just going outside to see the sunlight and... smell the fresh air one last time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The scene cuts to where Brother is at Gramps and Gran's house]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[about the &quot;no anything&quot;; which means he gets no TV, no video games, no movies, no talking on the phone, no boom box, no popcorn, no rollerblading, no soccer and no sports of any kind until he's all caught up with his homework]'' And now I can't watch TV nor play video games nor do anything. Not until I get caught up with my homework.
:'''Gramps''': That does not sound unreasonable to me. 
:'''Brother Bear''': But Papa does not understand! I'm never going to catch up! 
:'''Gran''': I know that the situation seems terrible right now. But you're going to catch up.
:'''Gramps''': You're right. ''[begins a story of when Papa was a cub who also fell behind with his homework when he was still in school back then]'' Just like your father did.
:'''Brother Bear''': What do you mean?
:'''Gramps''': The same thing which happened to him when he was younger. 
:'''Gran''': Of course there was no television back then.
:''[As Gran and Gramps mention this --when Papa was younger or in other words, &quot;at Papa's young age era&quot;-- there was no television nor any electronic equipment back then whatsoever. None whatsoever, whether regarding to television and video games.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': No television?! 
:'''Gramps''': Oh no! But we had radio instead. We still have it. (But radio was like TV at that time.) 
:''[By that saying from Gramps, in the era of Papa's young age, there was radio. However even though there was radio, it --at that time-- was like TV.]'' 
:'''Gramps''': In those days you could listen to fantastic stories every night.
:''[The flashback shows to when Papa was a cub. And he listened to radio shows while he did his homework]''
:'''Gran''': ''[narrating]'' And Papa loved to listen to the radio. He did it while he was doing his homework. His favorite radio show was &quot;Jet Bear George of the Space Frontier&quot;.
:'''Gramps''': ''[narrating]'' Only, the more interested he became with the radio, the further he fell behind in his schoolwork.
:''[As Papa as the cub is listening to his favorite radio show, his father Gramps turns off the radio. Like how Papa took away Brother's TV, bowl of popcorn, talking on the phone, music and video games until Brother catches up with his lot of homework, in said flashback, Gramps catches him. Gramps has also heard a letter from Papa's teacher about Papa falling behind with his homework. As a result, Gramps takes away Papa's radio privilege until Papa catches up. After Gramps turns off the radio, he tells Papa to catch up with his homework. Just as Papa did to Brother earlier when Brother became interested with music, TV, popcorn, talking on the phone and video games. In the flashback, the changes on Papa as a cub turns out that there is going to be no more radio and no more talking on the phone until he catches up with his homework. So Papa in frustration but not crying nor arguing, gets to his homework in the spite of the radio being off]''
:'''Gramps''': ''[narrating]'' And I made sure he got it done. I clamped down on him the way how he has been clamping down on you.
:''[The story finishes and goes back to the present day. This story is to teach Brother how he is going to catch up on his homework]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Maybe Papa does understand. ''[about his homework; even though he has the remainder of the &quot;no anything&quot; until he catches up with his homework]'' And I guess that I have not been doing a good job with keeping up on my homework.
:'''Gramps''': The worst thing that you can do with your homework is put it off until later.
:'''Gran''': Of course. It's called &quot;procrastination&quot;.
:'''Brother Bear''': Pro-crast-a-what?
:'''Gran''': Procrastination. That means &quot;putting off a job until tomorrow&quot;. It's when you know that a job should be done today.
:'''Gramps''': You're right. So from then on, Papa buckled down and did his homework every day. And when Papa did his homework, (even though he was never again allowed on the radio for falling behind with his homework, even though he was grounded from it forever), he became a much better student. 
:''[So Papa when he was a cub could never again be on the radio and furthermore. It was indeed forever for Papa since Gramps took away his radio and phone privileges permanently. In fact, Papa was grounded from it forever and could only leave the house to go to school. But even though he had the no radio and &quot;no anything&quot; forever --or in other words &quot;in the spite of being grounded from electronics forever&quot;-- he did his homework and was a much better student. He was a much better student in every school grade despite being grounded from radio and talking on the phone forever. When Papa did his homework, he did not get to earn back his radio and phone privileges because he was grounded from it forever. He never got them back. But he became a much better student when he did his homework.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': I understand, Gramps. 
:''[Brother however, still notices how his father back when he was in school became a much better student in the spite of being grounded from radio and phone privileges forever.]'' 
:'''Brother Bear''': But how am I ever going to be caught up?
:''[Brother at this point may also be grounded from TV, video games, talking on the phone, music, sports, and popcorn forever too. But in the spite of that, he may become a much better student like his father when he does a lot of his homework.]''
:'''Gramps''': You may ask Teacher Bob to give you a catch up period. I think he should go along with that. He is a pretty good guy.
:'''Brother Bear''': That's a good idea. But the first thing that I must do is go home and get some of it done today. 
:'''Gramps''': That's the spirit.
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[remembers how Papa did it when he was a cub from Gran and Gramps's said flashback]'' If Papa was able to do it, so can I.

===The Talent Show / The Haunted Lighthouse [1.9]===
:'''Teacher Bob''': I believe that everyone has a special talent, but sometimes it can take a little help to find out what it is.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[to Too-Tall]'' You want to be in the talent show?
:'''Cousin Fred''': Does having the hairiest knuckles count as a talent?
:'''Too-Tall''': Very funny.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': Hey! there's something outside!
:'''Papa Bear''': Huh?
:'''Mama Bear''': Huh?
:''[They all look outside the window]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Really, something was there! I saw it! It was glowing.
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[laughs]'' My guess would be it was your glowing imagination.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': This looks like a job for...
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': The Bear Detectives.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': We knew you were special, Captain Salt.
:'''Sister Bear''': You just needed to know it too.

===The Birthday Boy / The Green-Eyed Monster [1.10]===
:'''Lizzie''': Maybe you can make a movie about Brother.
:'''Sister Bear''': What's so special about him? He's just a brother.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': Basketballs weren't made to be gift wrapped.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': Showing someone how you feel about them can be the greatest gift of all.
:'''Papa Bear''': And you don't even have to wrap it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': Your car is running, Mr. Bruin.
:'''Mr. Bruin''': Yes, I guess I should be happy it's running at all.
:'''Mama Bear''': No, Mr. Bruin, he means it's running away!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Is the green-eyed monster still knocking, Papa?
:'''Papa Bear''': Yep, but I won't let him in.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[It is revealed that the green-eyed monster was exactly like Sister. But aside from Sister's normal outfit, she had green fur, green eyes, horns, and a reptilian monster tail]''
:'''Green-Eyed Monster''': ''[to Sister]'' Don't you think it's not fair that Brother gets the pretty bike and you get an old bike?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[riding on Brother's bicycle]'' I knew this bike wasn't too big for me!

===The Baby Chipmunk / The Wishing Star [1.11]===
:'''Sister Bear''': All Brown Eyes does is eat and sleep.
:'''Mama Bear''': Well, that's what babies do. When they aren't eating and sleeping, ...
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[giggles]'' They're sleeping and eating.
:'''Mama Bear''': Exactly.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': They say the first star you see at night you can make a wish on. That's why it's called the wishing star.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': It's really amazing how hard work and determination can magically give you what you deserve.

===Get the Gimmies / Lost In A Cave [1.12]===


:'''Mama Bear''': ''[voice over and first lines; just like from the book adaptation of said episode The Berenstain Bears Get the Gimmies]'' '''''&quot;When a cub's behavior takes a turn for the worst, it is hard for parents to know what to do first&quot;.'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The cubs get the gimmies at the supermarket. Their first fuss/tantrum is over the Rainbow Gob-Busters, Spy Bear Decoder rings and Bearbie stickers]''
:'''Brother Bear''': I want one of those rings, Mama.
:'''Sister Bear''': I want some stickers.
:'''Mama Bear''': Now what did I just tell you on the way here?
:'''Brother Bear''': Uh...Um...Well...
:'''Sister Bear''': I forget. 
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[reminds the cubs for the first time about not buying toys nor treats]'' That we are not here to buy treats. Now come along. (Please put those toys back for save money for paint)
:'''Mama Bear''': Why isn't that nice?
:'''Papa Bear''': Mm-hmm, It's a fine idea.
:'''Brother Bear''': What's a fine idea?
:'''Mama Bear''': The store has put these donation displays here to remind everyone to give to the different charities in our community.
:'''Papa Bear''': You two might think about donating some of the toys you've outgrown to the Sick Cubs Hospital.
:'''Brother Bear''': Hey, What's that?
:'''Sister Bear''': Oh.
:''[Brother takes Sister.]'':
:'''Brother Bear''': Look! They have chocolate covered marshmallow bears!
:'''Sister Bear''': Can we have one, Please, please?
:''[Brother and Sister make a fuss over about the chocolate covered marshmallow bears. It’s not even Valentines Day and Easter, it’s summer. They see that the candy --which the supermarket is selling-- is their favorite treats. They have gummy gumballs, chewy chompers, and chocolate covered marshmallow bears --all of Brother and Sister's favorite candy. Therefore, the cubs's second fuss/tantrum is about candy. And they begin to get the gimmies about it too.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[reminds the cubs for the second time about not buying toys nor treats]'' You know the answer. Now please put those back.
:'''Brother Bear''': [Sighs] Okay.
:'''Sister Bear''': [Sighs] Alright.
:'''Mama Bear''': It looks like this shopping trip is going to be the same as all the others.
:'''Papa Bear''': Hmm? Marshmallow and chocolate...?
:''[Pretty soon, Papa tries to get Mama to change her mind and let Brother and Sister buy toys and treats. He --who decides to not listen to Mama-- tries to buy himself and the cubs his and their favorite treats --which is the chocolate covered marshmallow bears. That is, only to get grabbed by Mama. Mama drags him out of the candy aisle. She does it as if to mean, &quot;Just say 'no'&quot;.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': Wow! Neat! Glow in the dark flyers! This would be lots of fun to play with it at night. Can I get it?
:'''Mama Bear''': No. I told you not more than ten minutes ago. 
:'''Sister Bear:''': Mama? Papa? Can I get this?
:'''Papa Bear''': An apple? Sure.
:'''Sister Bear''': Thanks!
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh, careful now, you'll bruise it!
:'''Sister Bear''': It's not a real apple, Papa, it's bouncy fruit. Neat, huh? They've got bouncy oranges and bouncy pears and bouncy bananas.
:'''Brother Bear''': Hey, if Sister can have bouncy fruit, then I can have this.
:''[The cubs's third &quot;fuss&quot; is about toys; glow in the dark frisbees and bouncy fruits. Mama then takes the toys and reminds them for the third time about not buying toys nor treats]''
:'''Mama Bear''': Now listen, you two. It's not your birthday, (it is not Halloween), it is not Christmas, (it is not Valentine's Day), and (it is not Easter). And it is not &quot;Give Your Cubs a Treat&quot; day. So you go and put these toys back right now. 
:''[Mama makes the cubs put the toys back to where they found them after telling them that they can put the toys back and forget about them. Because it's not their birthday, Halloween, Christmas, Valentine's Day, nor Easter. In other words, &quot;It is not their birthday or any holiday --whether it's Halloween, Christmas, Valentine's Day, or Easter&quot;.]'' 
:'''Papa Bear''': Give your cubs a treat day? (I have never heard of this holiday before.) When is that? 
:''[Papa is aware that there is appearance of a birthday, Halloween, Christmas, Valentine's Day, and Easter. But he has never heard about a &quot;Give Your Cubs a Toy/Treat&quot; day.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': There is no appearance of a plan. But the way Brother and Sister carry on, you always thought it was every day of the year.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The cubs's fourth and final fuss/tantrum is about toys --the rubber pussycats. The pussycats are revealed to be rubber toy cats that stick out their tongues when squeezed. First the cubs wanted Rainbow Gob-Busters, Spy Bear Decoder Rings, Bearbie stickers, then can’t, then bouncy fruit and glow in the dark flyer frisbees, a ride from the bucking frog, and now the rubber pussycats. Mama and Papa remind Brother and Sister for the fourth and final time about not buying toys nor treats.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': Now just hold on! We didn't come here (to the supermarket) to buy toys (nor treats)!
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[for the fourth and final time]'' Papa's right. 
:''[Mama has reminded the cubs four or more times about the &quot;toys and treats&quot; rule at the supermarket. It was not Brother and Sister's birthday not the holidays Halloween, Easter or Christmas, but it’s summer time. So Brother and Sister were specifically not allowed to ask for any toys nor treats. And the only thing that they could buy was groceries.]'' 
:'''Mama Bear''': Papa’s Right! Remember what I told you about buying toys and treats? 
:''[Brother however thinks it's OK to ask for toys and treats just because they are finished with their groceries --though he does not know that Mama and Papa said &quot;no asking for toys/treats at all at the supermarket&quot;]'' 
:'''Brother Bear''': But that was when we were getting our groceries. So we're finished now.
:'''Sister Bear''': And look at how cute they are!
:'''Papa Bear''': OH! ALL RIGHT! ''[Papa was irritated and embarrassed by giving their treats in the summer, not their birthday, Easter, Halloween and Christmas to give you that dollar for their rubber Pussycats and it’s the money problem and they’re broke for negative 300 dollars until November for Papa’s driving me tunas.]''
:'''Guy''': Thank you very much, sir and have a great day. 
:'''Papa Bear''': You’re welcome. ''[They are having a summer present]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Thanks, Papa ''[Not Brother’s birthday, nor Halloween, Christmas and Easter, it’s summer time present]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Thank you, Papa ''[Not Sister’s birthday, nor Halloween, Christmas, and Easter, it’s summer time present]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[roars in frustration and his voice is heard loud and clear so the cubs and Mama can hear it and Papa’s driving me tunas]'' &lt;big&gt;'''OF ALL OF THE OUTRAGIOUS, EMBARRASSING, DISGRACEFUL, AND SHAMEFUL BEHAVIOR! THAT WAS THE WORST CASE OF THE GALLOPING GIMMIES I HAVE EVER SEEN!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': You're right, Papa. But perhaps, it's partly our fault for giving in.
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[gets tired of his roaring in his Papa Bear voice as he continues his story about the cubs's greedy gimmies at the supermarket]'' &lt;big&gt;'''WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK WE COULD'VE DONE WITH ALL THOSE STRANGERS LOOKING AT US!? NOW I THINK IT IS TIME WE HAVE A TALK WITH OUR CUBS!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Papa calls the cubs down. At this, he is going to have a word. Brother and Sister really need a talking-to before they go any further.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[calling the cubs]'' BROTHER...!? SISTER...!?
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': Yes Papa?
:''[When Papa is tired of roaring, he calls the cubs in to the living room for a talking to and family meeting.]'' 
:'''Papa Bear''': Into the living room please. It's time for a family meeting.
:'''Papa Bear''': There are more important things in this world than getting as many treats (nor toys) that can get your hands on. Greedy cubs who only think of themselves can never really be happy. Do you know why? (The money is bad for buying rubber Pussycats.)'
:'''Cubs''': No.
:'''Papa Bear''': Because you can’t have everything you want in life all the time. Do you understand? (Not even Rainbow Gob-Busters, Spy Bear Decoder Rings, Bearbie stickers, candy, glow in the dark flyers, bouncy fruit, bucking frogs, and rubber Pussycats, than even save money for paint.)
:'''Cubs''': Yes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gramps and Gran have just arrived at the treehouse for a visit. Papa opens the door for his parents and welcomes them]''
:'''Gramps''': Hi there!
:'''Brother Bear''': What did you bring me?
:'''Sister Bear''': Yeah, what did you bring us?
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[about the cubs's behavior around Gramps and Gran]'' &lt;big&gt;'''I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TWO! YOU EVEN DIDN'T SAY &quot;HELLO&quot;!'''&lt;/big&gt; 
:''[Papa roars in his loudest Papa Bear voice after Brother and Sister got the gimmies on Gramps and Gran.]'' 
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''THAT’S IT! UP TO YOUR ROOM!'''&lt;/big&gt; 
:''[The cubs go upstairs to their bedroom.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''AND THERE IS GOING TO BE NO TV OR TREATS FOR A WEEK! FOR A MONTH! FOR A YEAR! (A LUSTRUM! A DECADE! A CENTURY! A MILLENNIUM!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[That means the cubs are not allowed to have TV nor treats for a week, a month, a year, or possibly a lustrum, a decade, a century, or even a millennium. It is their punishment for getting the gimmies at the supermarket and on Gramps and Gran. They're grounded for 5 to 1,000 years for their unruly behavior in the grocery store and now on Gramps and Gran. And it may be forever since it's an entire millennium but that is Brother and Sister's punishment. The cubs can only leave the treehouse to go to school while grounded from TV and treats for a millennium. They are grounded for one thousand whole years. Papa is telling them that they are grounded from TV and treats for 1,000 years and are not allowed to leave the house except for school. Now what Brother and Sister are to do --according to Papa-- is to go up to their room and spend more time thinking about proper behavior with their galloping greedy gimmies and correcting it while they do not use the TV or get treats for 1,000 years.]''
:'''Gramps''': ''[thinks that Papa is having a bad day]'' You're having a bad day, son?
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[sighs; after Brother and Sister have escaped]'' I'm sorry about the unpleasant welcome. Brother and Sister have the bad case of the galloping greedy gimmies. (But getting away with trouble for summery gift is never going to be served the same way for our selfish greedy cubs again.)
:'''Mama Bear''': The worst case yet. (But Papa is right. They are going to be grounded from television and treats until they learn to behave and stop with the galloping greedy gimmies.)
:''[Also, while grounded from TV and treats for one thousand years, the cubs also can only see their friends during school hours. That's the only time they can see their friends.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Gran and Gramps tell the story about when Papa was a cub and got the gimmies like Brother and Sister. Papa as a cub, always had it whenever he wanted toys and treats at Rufe's Grizzly General Store --or in other words &quot;everything in sight&quot;. When Papa was a cub, there were no shopping malls nor supermarkets back then. Malls and/or grocery stores --in Papa's young age-- at that time did not yet exist in the same format as they do in Brother and Sister's era. Although there were no malls or grocery stores at that time, there was Rufe's Grizzly General Store instead. The store --Rufe's Grizzly General Store-- worked exactly like a supermarket. But still, Papa --when he was a cub-- was like that. He would get the gimmies each time he and Gran and Gramps went to that store to buy groceries.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[as he and Sister have snuck out from their bedroom and are eavesdropping on Papa, Gran and Gramps's story about Papa when he was a gimmie cub]'' It's like how we fussed about the kitty cats. ''[Not even Halloween, Christmas, Easter and Brother &amp; Sister’s birthday, but summer present]''
:'''Sister Bear''': And embarrassed Papa. (And that's why we are grounded from television and treats for a millennium and we can't leave the house except for school.)
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[after Gran and Gramps tell their story about Papa as a gimmie cub]'' Well, I'm glad that you didn't give in. 
:'''Gramps''': I'm afraid we did.
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh?
:''[Then back to the flashback about Papa as a gimmie cub.]''
:'''Gramps''': ''[narrating]'' You got what you wanted that day.
:''[At this point, Papa got a toy. Because he could decide about what he wanted --whether it was candy, a toy, or a dinosaur book. And that was it. Then the next time when he, Gramps, and Gran went to the &quot;grocery store&quot; --Rufe's Grizzly General Store-- and got the gimmies, he and his family went right home. And he got nothing.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[As Brother and Sister are trying the &quot;Hello&quot; part to Gramps and Gran.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[to Gramps and Gran]'' Yes. And if you have brought us something (toys and/or treats), you can just leave it in the car. Because we are not even thinking about it.
:''[Sister and Brother do this as if to say, &quot;Let's not even think about it&quot;. That is, even though if they really think Gramps and Gran brought them candy or toys, even if they have it, Brother and Sister are not going to get the gimmies. Rewarding the rescue, Papa eventually changes his mind to reduce the grounding --as they are still grounded by TV and treats and can only leave the house to go to school. However, it is reduced to a week. But then they still notice that they are grounded from TV and treats for a week. In the spite of that though, they did much better with Gramps and Gran.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': You never can tell what a cave is going to be like on the inside, just like from what it looks like on the outside.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': Look! Wow! Real, live fossils.
:'''Cousin Fred''': Maybe a million years ago they were alive!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': Things that seem scary really aren't, once you know what they really are.
:'''Cousin Fred''': I know. There's a logical explanation for everything.
:'''Brother Bear''': Exactly! ''[his voice echoes]''

===Too Much Junk Food / Go To Camp [1.13]===
:'''Dr. Grizzly''': Exercise is an important part of a healthy lifestyle.
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[panting]'' I agree with you, one hundred percent.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[panting]'' Gees, I don't get this tired when I play baseball.
:'''Brother Bear''': Well, you're running much farther than second base, Sis.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[as he, Sister and Brother prepare to head back to the treehouse from Dr. Grizzly's office]'' Well cubs, it's time for us to get our trains back on the track.
:'''Sister Bear''': You're right, Papa.
:''[Sister starts chugging and whistling like a train, recalling Dr. Grizzly's mention of it her nutrition lesson]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[mimics a train chugging and whistling]'' Choo-choo! Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga, choo-choo!
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[following Sister]'' Whoo-whoo! ''[looking back toward Brother; chuckles]'' Get on board, son. Whoo-whoo!
:'''Brother Bear''': I... I think I'll walk. I need the exercise.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': I have an idea. Why not we go and celebrate by opening up the freezer and...!?
:''[Though Papa, Brother and Sister are able to have sweets occasionally since a little is potentially okay but just a little or using it sparingly according to Dr. Grizzly, they want to go back to having healthy food for most days of the week or almost every day. So Mama and the cubs stop him from mentioning &quot;junk food&quot;. The plans that the cubs have had is to have a little sweets occasionally or use it sparingly, but otherwise stick to healthy food]''
:'''Mama Bear''': Uh-uh-uh, it is far too easy to fall back into the junk food habit. 
:''[Aside from the junk food snacks that Brother and Sister can have occasionally, he mentions the healthy snacks which he and Sister have been having and sticking with almost every day --either at the mall which is frozen yogurt instead of gumballs and candy, or at the movies which is nuts and raisins instead of popcorn, or when watching TV which is apple slices.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[puts in an idea to celebrate, but to cut sugar]'' Well, celebrate with carrot sticks.
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[puts in another idea, also to cut sugar]'' And nuts and raisins.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Do you think this sleep-out is a good idea?
:'''Brother Bear''': No.
:'''Sister Bear''': Oh, good.
:'''Brother Bear''': I think it's a great idea!

==External links==
{{wikipedia|The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series)}}

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'''''[[w:Sweet Valley High|Sweet Valley High]]''''' ([[1994]]–[[1997]]) is a television series that originally aired in the United States. It follows twin sisters Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield, who are students at Sweet Valley High.

== Season 1 ==
=== ''Dangerous Love''  ===

=== ''Oracle on Air'' ===

=== ''Skin and Bones'' ===

=== ''Critical Mess'' ===

=== ''What ,Me Study?'' ===

Jessica Wakefield: It works!

Manny Lopez: Does it ever?

--------------------------------
Todd Wilkins: Forget it, Egman. She's a Pirahna. They eat their own!

----------------------------------------------------------
(Mr. Russo accuses Jessica Wakefield of stealing his test)

Jessica Wakefield: You think I stole it?

Mr. Russo: From an F to an A?
I'd like to believe you Jessica.
But I'm a man of science.
I don't believe in miracles.

=== ''Almost Married'' ===

Lila Fowler: Don't worry, Jess, you can rely on me.

Just a select few.

Lila Fowler: Big Party Tonight.

Here's the address.

Bring all your friends.

-------------------------------------------
Lila Fowler: I would have brought more, but Sweet Valley U's on break.

=== ''The Curse of the Lawrence Mansion''  ===

=== ''The Prince of Santa Dora'' ===

=== ''Coma'' ===

Jessica Wakefield: Todd on a motorcycle. Somebody must be tampering with Sweet Valley's water source.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: Get a grip Liz. Life is short.

-------------------------------------------------
Elizabeth Wakefield: They're so dangerous.

Todd Wilkins: Relax. Nothing's going to happen.
(Prophetic Words)

-------------------------------------------
(At the hospital, Jessica visits her sister Liz after the crash)

Jessica Wakefield: Liz.

It's me Jess.

You're looking good today.

And that's a good thing because we Wakefields have an image to keep up.

Especially with all these hunky doctors around.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: You're more than just a sister to me.

You're a part of me.

And I'm a part of you.

I can't lose you.

------------------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: Who does she think she is?

Attracting all this attention.

Lila Fowler: Yeah, that's our job.

---------------------------------------------------------------
Lila Fowler: Wow, she's even more you than you!

----------------------------------------------------------------
Winston Egbert: Please understand, who you're talking to

I get blown off on a daily basis!

-----------------------------------------------------------------
Lila Fowler: You'll never believe who I just saw practicing mouth to mouth in the parking lot.

And I'm not talking C.P.R.

Bruce Patman and Elizabeth Wakefield

(Todd overhears)

Actually, I'm not sure if it was Liz.

I think it might have been someone who looked exactly like her.

Well, not Jessica.

=== ''Uh Oh Seven''  ===
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
She was a woman.

She was a spy.

She was Platinum Blonde.

Platinum Blonde: Afternoon, Mannypenny.

You're looking fit.

Mannypenny: Thank you, Platinum.

New Stepmaster.

Your Cafe Latte.

Extra foam.

Hmm. Kenyan Roast with a hint  of East Indian Nutmeg.

Just west of the New Delhi region, I believe.

E: If you're through trading coffee-roasting secrets with my secretary, Blonde,
let's get down to business.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elizabeth Wakefield: My story's about a reverse universe.

The women play the men's roles and vice versa.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pecs Galore: Paris, London, Washington.

All of the video machines  have been delivered.

Goldfowler: Excellent.

Except for the one for Sweet Valley.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Goldfowler: How unfortunate you won't be around to see our little plan to fruition.

Pecs Galore: Yeah, especially since your hometown of Sweet Valley is next on our list.

Goldfowler: Shut up, Galore.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Goldfowler:Put them on the clock.
Welcome to my samurai sushi clock,
designed especially for untimely deaths,
like yours.

Platinum Blonde: Sushi clock?

Goldfowler: A big seller in Asia.
The second hand is this shiatsu filleting knife.

Platinum Blonde: That sounds like it would hurt.

Goldfowler: But wait, there's more.
To add to your displeasure, we're also throwing in a handy-dandy slicer/dicer  with stainless-steel blades.

Platinum Blonde: What? No fondue forks?

Goldfowler: Pity you won't be around for the fireworks, Blonde.
But in exactly 20 seconds, I'm afraid you and your boyfriend are going to be sashimi.
Sayonara, Blonde.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

=== ''Secrets''  ===

=== ''Photographic Evidence''  ===

Winston Egbert: We'll send you an 8 by 10.

--------------------------------------------------
(At the Moon Beach Cafe)

Jessica Wakefield: Why don't you get us a couple of burgers?

Lila Fowler: I see him too. Nice try.

-----------------------------------------------------
Chad: Well, this is a coincidence!

Jessica Wakefield: I like to think of it as fate.

--------------------------------------------------------

Elizabeth Wakefield: Since it made the news, Boner has been seen more times than Elvis.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Lila Fowler: You don't have the picture.

Jessica Wakefield: When Chad sees me, he won't be focusing on anything else.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elizabeth Wakefield: Jess, what are you doing?

Jessica Wakefield: I wanted to borrow your thesaurus.

Todd Wilkins: Are you alright?

Jessica Wakefield: Yeah, I'm fine.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elizabeth Wakefield: New guy?

Jessica Wakefield: Yeah, but I'm sure you don't have time to listen to my boystories.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Todd Wilkins: You're brilliant, Egman

Winston Egbert: Elementary, my dear Wilkins.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Jessica is threatened with a gun by Chad)

Chad: Come on, come on

Jessica Wakefield: I'm trying to remember her combination

Er, it's a little hard to think with a gun pointed at me.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lila Fowler: Is there another number for 911?

This one's busy!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chad: Where are the negatives?

Elizabeth Wakefield: Out in the BMW

Chad: Give me the keys

Todd Wilkins: Man, I've just had it detailed.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chad: I'm going to take care of you and your phoney little friends.

Lila Fowler: Nobody calls me phoney.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lila Fowler: Jessica, you've been on some bad dates in your time, but this takes the cake.

=== ''Club X'' ===

Bruce Patman: It's a guy thing, Jess!

They don't let in girls.

Jessica Wakefield: I guess that's why you're not in it.

----------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: I've got to figure out how to get into Club X.

Elizabeth Wakefield: Why?

Jessica Wakefield: It's called excitement, Liz.

You might want to try it some time.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bruce Patman: Brilliant, Wakefield.

How's it feel to use your brain for a change.

Jessica Wakefield: Maybe some day you'll find out yourself, Bruce.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Todd Wilkins: Why should I lose?

Winston Egbert: Because you've grown an ego the size of Alaska.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Cooper: Mr. Patman, nice of you to drop in.

=== ''Poetic Injustice''===

Adam: Glad you guys could make it.

I've got all a poet could ask for: 

Good words, good friends

and a flashing applause sign!
---------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: I wouldn't have missed it for the world!

I love poetry.

Adam: Really?

Are you into the classics.

Jessica: Oh, absolutely, I have all the Beatles CDs.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Adam: Oops...You're supposed to be learning.

And I'm supposed to be doing whatever it is they pay me to do.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Adam: Stick with me Jessica.

And I'll promise you a life of emotional fulfilment.

Creative frustration,

And, oh yeah, lots and lots of coffee!
----------------------------------------------------------
Adam: The other night I met someone who inspired me.
----------------------------------------------------------
Adam: And you're applause timing is greatly improved.
----------------------------------------------------------
Lila Fowler: Oh 

Enid Rollins: my 

Patty Gilbert: God.

Elizabeth Wakefield: Jessica.

Lila Fowler: Who does she think she is? Cher.
----------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: Well, what do you guys thinK?

Adam: Couldn't have said it any better myself.
--------------------------------------------------------
Bruce Patman: You've got the car.

You've got the looks.

What more could you possibly want?

Jessica Wakefield: A frontal lobotemy
---------------------------------------------------------
Manny Lopez: Your quite the magician, Bruce.

You made her disappear.
-----------------------------------------------------------

=== ''Love on the Line'' ===

Winston Egbert: Kanichwa.

Todd Wilkins: Bless you.

Winston Egbert: I didn't sneeze. It's a Japanese greeting

-----------------------------------------------------------------
Koichi: Winston, things aren't always what they seem.

In Japan, when you dislike somebody, you smile, nod and say Yes to everything they say.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

=== ''Stolen Diary''  ===

Jessica Wakefield: Eight hours to pick out a wedding gift?

Where did you go?

Paris

------------------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: Oh just what I wanted to do.

Spend an evening at home with Homer and Marge.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Elizabeth Wakefield: She's my sister!

Todd Wilkins: Great. I'll just grab a vine and swing on home.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lila Fowler: Oh that's just Kris Sanders. He's harmless.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Koichi: That happened to me once.

Winston Egbert: What did you do?

Koichi: Move to America

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kris Sanders: Just because I got close to your girl in one night, than you have in a year close.

Todd Wilkins: She wouldn't be caught in the same Zip Code as you!

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: Come on that's ridiculous.

I mean we're talking about Liz here.

She's Mother Theresa in a miniskirt!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

=== ''Working Girl''  ===

Jessica Wakefield: It's only a matter of time before I have my own line of clothing, cosmetics and perfume.

Todd Wilkins: Delusions by Jessica Wakefield

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: Sure, you'll learn to ask &quot;Would you like fries with that?&quot;
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dante: Terrific, we encourage go-getters around here.

Mona: Now, get me an espresso.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Heath: It's refreshing seeing someone take pride in their work.

I always say a job worth doing is a job worth doing well.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Heath: I couldn't afford to bring you the Opera, so I decided to bring the Opera to you.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dante: If at first you don't succeed, than blah, blah, blah.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Bruce Patman: Lila, very impressive.

Lila Fowler: Well, I always say a job well done....is a job that you do...when you're doing a job.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Heath: Lila, you're incredible

How can I thank you?

Lila Fowler: Get the job!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Heath: You don't have to anything else for that rich sleazebag.

Lila Fowler: Heath, that rich sleazebag is my father!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

=== ''Dancin' Fools'' ===

Jessica Wakefield: I'm going to be on Television!

Lila Fowler: I wouldn't set your VCRs just yet!
----------------------------------------------------------
Franco: You look so much taller than last year!

Lila Fowler: That's because you're used to seeing her from the winner's stand.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Franco: Oh, listen up, girls.

I have some incredible news.

The Queen has beckoned me to her divine service.

Lila Fowler: Queen Elizabeth!!

Franco: No, Madonna.

She asked me to go on a round the world tour
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: Are you trying to humiliate me?

Franco: Si.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

=== ''Kidnapped (Part 1)''  ===

=== ''Kidnapped (Part 2)'' ===

=== ''Kidnapped (Part 3)''  ===

=== ''Say Goodbye'' ===

Winston Egbert: That's over 3000 miles away.

Todd Wilkins: Thanks for the geography lesson
---------------------------------------------------------
Koichi: Yeah, I left my girlfriend back in Japan

We're still close.

Todd Wilkins: Really?

Koichi: In fact, I got a letter from her last week.

It was an invitation to her wedding.
---------------------------------------------------------
Enid Rollins: Everyone wants to say goodbye.

After all, Vermont is all the way across the country.

Elizabeth Wakefield: Thanks for reminding me.
-----------------------------------------------
Elizabeth Wakefield: I'm coming to visit you on Thanksgiving.

Don't get too excited.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: Yes, Vermont please.

The number for Fairmont Academy

---------------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: I just called Todd and told him Liz was suffering from psychosomatic temporary paralysis, brought on by separation anxiety!

Lila Fowler: Huh

Jessica Wakefield: I saw it on General Hospital.

Lila Fowler: He bought that.

Jessica Wakefield: He's flying home.

-------------------------------------------------------
Flight Attendant: Final boarding, Flight 146 to Burlington, Vermont.

== Season 2 ==


=== ''Summer Lovin'' ===

Jessica Wakefield: Liz, you've worked in a soup kitchen

Painted a church

And now your spearing trash on a stick.

What next?

World peace.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Bruce Patman: Nice volleyball game, Wakefield.

Where did you find Brunhilda?
----------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: It will definitely separate the winners from the...

From the...

Bruce Patman: Losers

Jessica Wakefield: Perfect name for your team
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Enid Rollins: Todd loves you.

Obviously he didn't come back to Sweet Valley for the local seafood.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Bruce Patman: Good luck.

Jessica Wakefield: Luck is for the unprepared.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Enid Rollins: Oh man, that was seriously gross.

See ya.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Josh: I used to be a foot doctor.

Lila Fowler: Well, in the name of sweet science, continue.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

=== ''Model Behavior'' ===
Tatyana Thomas: You mean there's two of you?
My condolences to your parents.
--------------------------------------------------------

=== ''Promotional Rescue'' ===
Lila Fowler: I'm going out on a limb.

Empty's not what we were going for, right.
-------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: All businesses need time to grow.

Lila Fowler: Well, it shouldn't be hard to grow from this.
-----------------------------------------------
Tatyana Thomas: Are you afraid it won't work?

Elizabeth Wakefield: No, I'm afraid it will!
--------------------------------------------------------
Bruce Patman: My father's going to think I'm a complete failure.

Lila Fowler: Think?
----------------------------------------------------------------
Tatyana Thomas: Goodnight everybody.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

=== ''Dark Side of the Moon '' ===

=== ''IQ Commeth'' ===
Male Student: How long has mental illness run in your family?

Winston Egbert: About three years.
----------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: Wait a minute I'm going to be in a contest with a geek called Mortimer.

Mortimer Plunk: Hi I'm Mortimer Plunk.

Jessica Wakefield: Hi wijessfield, I mean Jessica Wakefield.
---------------------------------------------------------
Mortimer Plunk: I'll meet you at the library.

I'll brush up on European history.

You take science.

Start with the theory of relativity.

Jessica Wakefield: No offence, Mortimer, but I don't think anyone cares about my relatives.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: Where are you going?

I think it was Camus who put it best when he said.

Do you know where are you going to?

Do you like the things life is showing you?

Elizabeth Wakefield: Jess, I think that was Diana Ross.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: Oh Liz, you're so negative.

While you see the glass half empty.

I see a glass half and half.

Fully.

Or something like that.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: I don't understand.

How could that have happened?

Mr. Cooper: Well, it was someone's first day at the scoring centre.

And he got nervous.

Spilling his coffee all over the grading machine.

Jessica Wakefield: That idiot.

Well, was he fired?

Mr. Cooper: No, but he is switching to decaf.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Host: Name the despotic ruler of Italy during the 1940s

(Sound of a bell)

Host: Jessica?

Jessica Wakefield: Fettucine

Host: No, I'm sorry the correct answer was Mussolini.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

=== ''False Possessions'' ===
Lila Fowler: The fumagation doesn't start till tomorrow.

But I'm just sick of those repulsive little creatures crawling around Fowler Manor.

Jessica Wakefield: Oh you know I hate bugs!

Lila Fowler: I was talking about the exterminators.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Enid Rollins: He made me feel tingly all over.

I thought we really had something.

Then I didn't hear from him for another six months.

Elizabeth Wakefield: Enid, he's your dentist!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: Lila, this is incredible.

You're the best.

Lila Fowler: I am aren't I? Now I know how Mother Theresa feels.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Security Guard: Sure you were, and I'm the Queen of England.

=== ''A Fair To Remember'' ===

Elizabeth Wakefield: Nice shot. You should be a basketball player.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

=== ''It's My Party and I'll Ditch It If I Want To'' ===
Winston Egbert: This projector will self-destruct in 5 seconds.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Male Harvard Friend: I think your comparison of Nietzsche's Superman to Machiavelli's The Prince is clearly misguided.

(Groan)

Female Harvard Friend: Anyone who knows the Prince would see the connection.

Jessica.

Jessica Wakefield: I think you mean the artist formerly known as Prince.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bruce Patman: So Jess, you having a good time.

Jessica Wakefield: Couldn't be happier.

Bruce Patman: Me too.

The best.

You hate this just as much as I do, don't you?

Jessica Wakefield: What makes you say that?

Bruce Patman: You just built the Eiffel Tower out of sugarcubes.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

=== ''Blunder Alley'' ===

=== ''Like Water for Hot Dogs'' ===
She grabs the binoculars.
-----------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: I don't think we're in Kansas anymore Toto.

Spanish Language Tape: Ola Pepe, que est il
------------------------------------------------
(Lila Fowler dressed up as Characters from The Wizard of Oz)

Jessica Wakefield as Dorothy

Lila Fowler as Glinda

Lila Fowler: Just close your eyes and tap your heels together three times.

Jessica Wakefield: Coma esta used?

Lila Fowler: And think to yourself &quot;There's no place like home&quot;

Jessica Wakefield: Donde esta la bano?

Lila Fowler: I'm a little muddled.

Jessica Wakefield: Ola Pepe, que est el?

Ay carumba

Qui pasa?

Enid esta muerta.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Todd Wilkins: I've been such an idiot!

Winston Egbert: Even I have to agree with that.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

=== ''The Quick and the Blond'' ===
Vogue, let your body move to the music
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Elizabeth Wakefield: Standing before me was my own flesh and blood twin sister, Jezemen

She had run away to live with outlaws 10 years ago.

Jessica Wakefield: Twins, no way!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Jess and Liz find a picture that falls from the book)

Jessica Wakefield: Look, a picture of Jessie and Miss Lizzie.

Elizabeth Wakefield: The McWakefield Twins!

(Jess and Liz look at each other in utter disbelief)
--------------------------------------------------
Bruce Patman/ A Wakefield Twin: Well, you can't argue with history.
---------------------------------------------------------------

=== ''Mixed Doubles'' ===

Elizabeth Wakefield: Hi Lila...Bye Lila
-----------------------------
Elizabeth Wakefield: Oh, what was that all about.

Jessica Wakefield: Only the deal of the century.
----------------------------------
Enid Rollins: Gee, that sure doesn't look like my photo-journalistlic Barbie instamatic.
----------------------------------------------------------
Tatyana Thomas: Pull up a chair!

We'll show you how it works.

(Enid pulls an empty chair from one of the desks and one bloke falls to the floor as he tries to sit)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elizabeth Wakefield: How's the events calendar coming along?

Enid Rollins: One day at a time.
--------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: There's orange juice in the fridge and a fresh pot of coffee.

Elizabeth Wakefield: You know, I have a sister just like you.

Except usually I have to drag her out of bed.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Enid Rollins: Everything I touch goes wrong.

(She trips over a computer wire as she says

The computer wire turns someone's computer off

He frowns)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

=== ''Reading, Writing, Rescue'' ===
-----------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Russo: Before we start, this is a list of chemicals you can't mix together.

Unless you want the school to blow up!

(Cheers)

On second thoughts, just don't mix them.

(Boos)
----------------------------------------------------------
Enid Rollins: Let's just say David and I are on Russo's list of combustable chemicals.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Lila Fowler: What's the best thing about being on TV?

Jessica Wakefield: Looking cute of course.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: I was brainwashed by these evil, glamorous women.

From Dynasty to Melrose Place to the short-lived Models Inc.

And I just hope that America finds it in their hearts

To forgive this poor, stunningly attractive young girl.

=== ''The War of the Pom Poms'' ===

Elizabeth Wakefield:

Heather, I'm glad I found you.

I'd like to interview you for an article.

It's called the Pom-Pom Wars.

Haha.

Heather: You might want to call it the Pom-Pom Massacre.
-------------------------------------------------------

=== ''You Call This A Wonderful Life'' ===

=== ''Sam Enchanted Evening'' ===
Todd Wilkins: Oh no.

Elizabeth Wakefield: What?

Todd Wilkins: Lila at 3 o'clock and closing fast

Elizabeth Wakefield: Is she coming for us?

Todd Wilkins: Like a Gucci sequined missile.
------------------------------------

=== ''Totally Clueless'' ===
Lila Fowler: Don't worry, we'll send you a postcard from Bermuda.

Winston Egbert: It's the Bahamas.

Jessica Wakefield: Wait, isn't that where planes and stuff keep disappearing.

LILA/JESS: THE BAHAMA TRIANGLE

Winston Egbert: That's Bermuda

Lila Fowler: Where they make shorts.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: Sure, as long as we do things the old fashioned way.

Lila/Jess: Cheating
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elizabeth Wakefield: Imagine the world problems we could solve if we just harness the energy those two spend on scheming.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pool Shark: Watch. I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: I can't wait to see the master in action.

He reminds me of Marlon Brando in the Grandfather.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

=== ''Win Sam, Lose Sam'' ===
(In art class, Lila presents a drawing of Munch's The Scream)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Tatyana Thomas: I especially love your blue period.

Lila Fowler: You mean Thursday.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: I'm just glad you guys got to see the Sam I know.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

=== Identical Opposites ===

=== ''One Big Mesa'' ===

Todd Wilkins: What's a football gam!
-----------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: Oh well, like everything fashionable, it's back.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Big Mesa Cheerleader: I thought we were supposed to torture him.

Not the other way round
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Ginger: You've given your last performance.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: But I don't want to see Winston again.
------------------------------------------------------------
Lila Fowler: And what a sad statement that is about our own lives.
-----------------------------------------------------
Ginger: As soon as you give us your pig, we'll give you yours.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: Oh yeah, the day I sing your fight song is the day you pass the fourth grade.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rex: Wow, lay off the cigarettes, blondie.
--------------------------------------------
Rex: What do you say me and you go up to Miller's Point after the game?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Todd Wilkins: I wore a skirt.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

=== ''Sam Kind of Wonderful'' ===

Jessica Wakefield: Car washes haven't been cool since the 70s.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Lila Fowler: Have any of you seen a confused and dazed young woman?

Enid Rollins: I'm right here.

Lila Fowler: Not you.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Enid Rollins: You guys should check out the new aquarium.

Kendra/Lila: Aquarium.

Cheryl Thomas: It's a big building filled with fish.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Lila Fowler: Being invited on the Foxie Jones show is like being invited for brunch at Buckingham Palace.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Foxie Jones: If you get into a fight, it's fists only because our insurance doesn't cover people being hit by chairs.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: What's your sign?

Elizabeth Wakefield: Pisces.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Enid Rollins: I haven't seen her like this since Bellbottoms came back into fashion.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Foxie Jones: You know why America loves twins?

Liz and Jess: Nope

Foxie Jones: Because they're exactly alike.

I want you girls to agree on everything.

Laugh at the same jokes.

Study the same subjects.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elizabeth Wakefield: What's your top story?

Jessica Wakefield: This one.

The one on top.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elizabeth Wakefield: And what's the circulation like?

Jessica Wakefield: Usually pretty good.

During Melrose Place, if I sit funny, my leg falls asleep.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Liz is asked what her favourite School Subject is)

Elizabeth Wakefield: English

Jessica Wakefield: Yeah. Well I use it every day
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elizabeth Wakefield: Do you eat meat?

I'm a Vegetarian.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Enid Rollins: Oh my God, he had her killed, didn't he?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lila Fowler: He had her transferred to a foreign office.

Enid, what have I told you about watching too much Scooby Doo.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lila Fowler: I hear they have wonderful outlet shopping in Beirut.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

=== ''A Look Back in Anecdotes'' ===

----------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: Sweet Valley just wouldn't be the same without us.

== Season 3 ==

=== ''Much Ado About Nachos'' ===

Lila Fowler: That is downright devious and unethical!

And I love it!
--------------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: When you want something doing right

Lila Fowler: You have to pay someone to do it for you!
--------------------------------------------------------------
Elizabeth Wakefield: Something's wrong

Cheryl Thomas: That's because nobody's blamed Lila yet.
-------------------------------------------------------------

=== ''Shred Reckoning'' ===
Manny Lopez; This is going to be a great year.

(Pause)

Lila Fowler: This is going to be a terrible year.
------------------------------------------------
Elizabeth Wakefield: If I do it, do you promise to be a rational human being?
------------------------------------------------------
Lila Fowler: And this is Patman Castle in England
---------------------------------------------------------
(Lila imagines what Reggie is like)

Pretend Reggie: Lila, my dear, I own Diamond, Gold and Sapphire Mines..but I've never seen a jewel that sparkles like you!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

=== ''Imperfectly Fit'' ===

Elizabeth Wakefield: I got it!

Todd Wilkins: Did you get the extra cheese?

Elizabeth Wakefield: Not the Pizza, Todd

That was Lucy Grier, the Editor of

The Sweet Valley Tribune.
----------------------------------------------------
Peter: So your fine tuning your journalism skills.

Elizabeth Wakefield: Yeah, they should be calling me about my Pulitzer Prize any minute now!

Peter: She's funny and ambitious.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elizabeth Wakefield: For the record, I take milk, no sugar.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tatyana Thomas: Hey

Did you guys run here from the mall?

Jessica Wakefield: No. The parking lot.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Tat sees Jessica exercising on one of the bars at the Park.)
(What Tat doesn't see from her position is that Jessica is standing on a table.)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lila Fowler: Anyone can workout for 30 mins
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elizabeth Wakefield: We're lucky. Maybe tomorrow we'll get obituaries.

Peter: Hey, don't joke. People would die for that job!

(Peter and Liz begin to laugh at the joke.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Peter: Male seeks companion for friendship.

My goldfish could come up with a better line.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Peter: So I see you've decided to do a little redecorating.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: Sounds like a lot of work.

Lila Fowler: Have you ever crammed for an exam?

Jessica Wakefield: No
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Enid Rollins: Shoot.

Elizabeth Wakefield: Well, I mean there's someone at the Tribune!

Enid Rollins: No, I mean it's your turn. Shoot.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lila Fowler: It's an exercise video, Jess.

Not Oprah.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elizabeth Wakefield: How long do we have to wait for our article?

We just have to wait it out.

Peter: Every good reporter knows you have to be patient.

(Pause)

Peter: That does it.

Peter: I can't take it anymore.

Peter: Where is she?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

=== ''The Man of My Screams'' ===

Shred: Whoa, mighty bodyslam.

Do you ever think of hitting the pro-wrestling circuit?
----------------------------------------------------------
Lila Fowler: Come on, Jess, admit it.

I see the way you look at each other.

It's tres romantique.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Winston Egbert: Ever since he left, my mother calls me Halstein once a day.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Winston Egbert: If I tell you, I'm afraid I'm going to have to kill you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Lila Fowler: Unless you keep having the same dream.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Todd Wilkins: Look at the way she's touching her face.

Winston Egbert: I think she's wiping off some mustard.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Lila Fowler: Are those bats I see?
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: You, out of my way.

Shred: Gladly, Cruella.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Todd Wilkins: I'll be there.

I just hope it ends before the Lakers game.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Lila Fowler: Do you want to watch the Reggie Horror Picture Show every night?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Liz and Todd are at the Cinema)

(Liz and Todd are watching a film in French)

(We can hear French)

Todd Wilkins: Is it me or are these guys hard to understand?

Elizabeth Wakefield: Todd, it's a foreign film.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Shred: I'm only gonna dump you for a Baywatch babe.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

=== ''Are You A Man or A Mouse?'' ===
Winston Egbert: Liz has you on a beeper.

Shred: Another victim of the electronic leash.
--------------------------------------------------
Todd Wilkins: We both like...cereal.
-----------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: All guys do it.

I call it the Jake Reynolds reaction.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: We're out. Leave a message. If you must.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Winston Egbert: You don't understand, Reggie.

Todd and Liz are an institution.

Like Romeo and Juliet.

Antony and Cleopatra.

Shred: Shaggy and Scooby
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Elizabeth Wakefield: I opened his box after his 24 hour isolation test.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: Ok, creepy old guy
-----------------------------------------------------
Todd Wilkins: What about my Green Day CD?
------------------------------------------------------
Elizabeth Wakefield: If you are Beethoven, where would you go?

Cheryl Thomas: To The Symphony.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: I'm start looking for him now...at the mall!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Shred: Whoa, you got the box
------------------------------------------------------------------
Shred: Well Dudes, that was Episode 13 of Cops!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Shred: Battle of the 80s. You be van Halen
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elizabeth Wakefield: What's up, Jess?

Jessica Wakefield: Beethoven's back.

Roll Over Beethoven.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: Why would anyone name a mouse after a dog?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Shred: Winslow.

You've gotta help me, man.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elizabeth Wakefield: Well you know what they say:

If you have one mouse, you have mice.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

=== ''The Mondo Chill'' ===
Male Ice Cream Vendor: I'm going to retire to Vermont

Can't take anymore of this good weather.
--------------------------------------------------------
Male Ice Cream Vendor: Just remember, life is full of wipeouts.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Someone comes along to carry the Torch.
------------------------------------------------
Enid Rollins: Manny's so sweet.

And adorable.

And short.
------------------------------------------------
Lila Fowler: Do your sinuses feel like they are packed with domestic brie cheese?
----------------------------------------------------
Lila Fowler: You have the flu, Jess, not the bubonic plague.
------------------------------------------------------
Shred: Remember, little one.

When the ice cream's up, recycle the Cup.
----------------------------------------------------------
Lila Fowler: Thank God you're home.

I can't be a Candy Striper for another minute.
-----------------------------------------------------------
(Jess using a Megaphone to ask for things)
----------------------------------------------------------------
Shred: To Haagen and Daaz, and all the founding fathers of ice cream
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Shred: There's a Little League game at 3 o'clock.

There's going to be a Losing Team.

Enid Rollins: And they're gonna need Ice Cream.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Shred: Don't worry, the right person will come along to carry the torch.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elizabeth Wakefield: Finally, I thought this night would never come.

(The lights go out)
-------------------------------------------------------------

=== ''Surfing the Nets'' ===

Cheryl Thomas: My life wouldn't be complete without a daily dose of Aunt B and Uncle Fester.

Enid Rollins: I don't have an Uncle Fester.

I have an Uncle Lester.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winston Egbert: OK Folks, for this to be official, we all have to take the Moon Beach Oath.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Radio DJ: Hey, are you going to beat Big Mesa this year?

I hear they're a little weak under the boards.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Enid Rollins: Jessica is so manipulative.

She's even worse than Uncle Ben.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: You know, blue's really your colour.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Policeman: Hey, you're Todd Wilkins.

Todd Wilkins: Guilty as charged!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

=== ''Mall Brats'' ===
Mr. Collins: What's wrong with this headline?

FIGHT BREAKS OUT IN STUD HALL

Elizabeth Wakefield: That should say Study Hall.
---------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: So Liz, where's the new Stud hall?

Sounds like my kind of class.
--------------------------------------
Lila Fowler: New York, Paris, London, here we come!
--------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield:I think I set a new time for the shortest record for a job.
-------------------------------------------------------

=== ''Swish Upon A Star'' ===
Jessica Wakefield: They think they can outsmart me.

Oh wait.

They can.
--------------------------------------------
Melvin: You ought to calculate the density and friction co-efficents more precisely, Liz.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Trying to discuss atoms, Jess is more interested in men she once dated.)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Melvin: I'm holding hands with Elizabeth Wakefield.

Now I know how Joseph Thomson felt when he first proved the existence of sub-atomic particles back in 1897.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Female Cheerleaders: 2 4 6 8

You took a geek out on a date.

3 5 7 9

You'll lose your pom-poms for that crime.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: I'm finished in Sweet Valley.

We have to move.

I'm an outcast.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

=== ''The Tooth Hurts'' ===
Enid Rollins: Oh how much chocolate do you eat anyway?

Shread: Not much.

(He opens his locker. Lots of Chocolate appears out of the Locker.)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
(Knocks Winston out of the way.)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Shred: My name's Shred...and I'm a Chocoholic
---------------------------------------------------------------------
(Cheryl loses the will to live when Enid tells of apple fritters.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
(On air, Enid asks about her Cousin's intestinal tract.)
------------------------------------------------------------------
Female Host: Do you have anyone special?

Todd Wilkins: No.

(If Liz sees this interview, she will be furious and heartbroken.)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
(And low and behold, we cut to a Blonde girl watching the interview at home)

She begins to cry.

It's Liz!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

=== ''Rock Around the Block'' ===
Todd Wilkins: Celebrities never get into trouble.
--------------------------------------------
Elizabeth Wakefield: Well for Starters you humiliated me on National TV.
-----------------------------------------------------
Enid Rollins: You don't look so good.

I told you not to eat the Meat Loaf.
------------------------------------------------
(Jess and Lila are excited by the Latest episode of Search for Love.)

Jessica Wakefield: Finally I have been waiting for three years to get off that stupid island.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
(Jess and Lila begin a yoga workout class)

Jessica Wakefield: God, I'm wearing my cutest workout clothes.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
(Copy of The Oracle)

Enid Rollins: Wow, Wilkins disgraces team.
---------------------------------------------------------
Male Students: Man, Wilkins really let us down.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: Are these fresh Batteries?

Lila Fowler: Jess, it's not the Batteries.

Jessica Wakefield: Is it the Microphone?

Lila Fowler: No, it's not the Microphone.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

=== ''Lofty Ambitions'' ===
Lila Fowler: Well, you know what they say - history repeats itself.
-------------------------------------------------------
Lila Fowler: Oh please.

Snap out of it.

You're acting like a giddy teenager with a crush.

Jessica Wakefield: I am a giddy teenager with a crush.
------------------------------------------------------
Enid Rollins: Come on, we got the invitation at a Tattoo Parlour.

Got to be wild.
--------------------------------------------------
Enid Rollins: Come on Thelma.
----------------------------------------------------
Male Driver: Why don't you go back to your Little House on the Prairie?
------------------------------------------------------------
Policemen: All the neighbours are complaining about the noise.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Enid Rollins: Fight for your right to party.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: Did you ever have one of those Nights you'll never forget for the rest of your life?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

=== ''Shakes, Fries and Videotape'' ===
Jessica Wakefield: Forget it, Steven Spieldork.
------------------------------------------------
Elizabeth Wakefield: To eat or not to eat.
-----------------------------------------------------
Enid Rollins: I'm on a very important mission.

Do you happen to have a left-handed smoke shifter?
------------------------------------------------------
Elizabeth Wakefield: I don't eat meat, Winston.

I'm a Vegetarian.
-------------------------------------------------------
Lila Fowler: Liz, I'm worried about your sister.

She trying to be helpful.
--------------------------------------------------------------

=== ''A Star Is Torn'' ===
Jessica Wakefield: Here's one of AJ and me.

And here's one of AJ's guitar and me.

Oh, here's one of AJ's guitar. 

Elizabeth Wakefield: I get the idea.

I suppose you were with AJ last night.

Jessica Wakefield::What makes you think that?

Elizabeth Wakefield: Lucky guess.
----------------------------------------
AJ Morgan: I can't believe you did this.

Jessica Wakefield: No, you did this.
--------------------------------------------------

=== ''Ready, Set, Snow!'' ===
Shred: You know the Lizster - she's got everything covered.

No matter how Gnarly the waves.
----------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: This can't be our future.

Can we still change it?
--------------------------------------------------
Elizabeth Wakefield: Operation? Didn't I get this like 10 years ago?
-------------------------------------------------

=== ''Don't Strand so Close to Me!'' ===
Jessica Wakefield: I see a big red A on my test

Cheryl Thomas: And I see a big fat F
-------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: I see us getting detention.
-----------------------------------------
Carrie: If I get ahead of you, you could get lost.

Todd Wilkins: Lost? Me

I never get lost

(Cut to Todd lost)
-------------------------------------------
Winston Egbert: This is Winston.

I'm currently in a Parallel Dimension.
-----------------------------------------------
Elizabeth Wakefield: Aren't we going a little fast?

This road is really winding.
-----------------------------------------------
Elizabeth Wakefield: This rock looks really familiar.
--------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: She's hot. 

She's burning with fever.

Elizabeth Wakefield: I'm freezing.
--------------------------------------------
Todd Wilkins: We were miles from any civilisation.

Carrie: Let's go.

My car is parked right outside the 7/11 just through the trees.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: I saw you in the woods with some psycho.

Todd Wilkins: Ooh, she was with me.

Jessica Wakefield: So I was right!
--------------------------------------------------------------

=== ''All Along In The Water Tower'' ===
Enid Rollins: It's my family reunion at the weekend.

I have to order chewing tobacco.

Good thing it's only Tuesday.

Elizabeth Wakefield: Enid, it's Wednesday.
----------------------------------------
(As the rest of the classmates hear Liz and Enid talking on the tannoy,

several classmates begin to play with their hair.)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Enid Rollins: Well if your looking for a guy who likes sports, why dont you get back together with Todd

Elizabeth Wakefield: Is this thing on?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
(Jess answers the door to an attractive man with a Camera)

Jessica Wakefield: Are you a photographer?

Yes

I'm shooting a photo essay for National Geologic.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Photographer: Are there any Grain Silos around here?

Jessica Wakefield: Silos?

Just like in the book.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: Some people are just hopeless romantics.

You're just hopeless.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: That's Chapter 10

Just like in the book.

Elizabeth Wakefield: Wait, you're reading a book?

Jessica Wakefield: I'm not just reading it.

I'm living it.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: Very funny, but not as funny as that dress.

Elizabeth Wakefield: know it's a little dorky.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Todd Wilkins: That's right. It worked when I asked you to the Spring Dance.

Elizabeth Wakefield: That's right. You put a banner over the Scoreboard.

That proves you've always been crazy.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

=== ''My Fair Shred'' ===
Winston Egbert: They sent the wrong sign. 

Manny Lopez: Either that, or they've tasted your chilli.
-------------------------------------------------
Winston Egbert: I have enough Wattage in this sign to light up Dodgers Stadium.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Elizabeth Wakefield: I just got an idea for an article:

The Death of Romance in the 90s.

Todd Wilkins: Perfect. You're the expert.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Shred: The Dude is rude who crudely chews his food.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Elizabeth Wakefield: Romance used to mean holding hands.

Now it means holding the Remote Control.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: Can we just make an announcement?

(Holds a glass out)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Winston Egbert: Thank you all for coming, tonight.

Manny Lopez: We can hear you.

There's only six of us.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
(Shred hands out a Glow Stick)

Shred: Could I offer you a glow stick?

Ambassador: Oh, capital idea.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Todd Wilkins: How does the Hockey game sound to you?

Elizabeth Wakefield: Terrible.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elizabeth Wakefield: I know a romantic evening we can both agree on

Todd Wilkins: What?

Elizabeth Wakefield: The blackout.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(They switch the Lights off and kiss)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Patman: Things would be too cool without you.

Now, where's that conga line?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Shred: They gave all their Do-Re-Me to help save the Whales.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Male: Cowabunga babes.

Shred: That's cowabunga dudes.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

=== ''Sweet Valley Fever'' ===
Mr. Cooper: You see it's a long time since Sweet Valley has boogie.

It was 1972.
----------------------------------------------------------
Todd Wilkins: What was so great about the Seventies anyway?

I mean everybody just looked stupid.
----------------------------------------------------------
Manny Lopez: Would you be my disco Dancing Queen?

Enid Rollins: I thought you'd never ask.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

=== ''Crimes and Cappuccinos'' ===

=== ''Search for Liz'' ===
Todd Wilkins: Wow, she doesn't look so good.
--------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: But she's helped me through three bouts of hysterical blindness and a bad perm.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Todd Wilkins: Great, leave me with the stiff.

What have I am supposed to do?

Lila Fowler: Call an Ambulance, you moron.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Elizabeth Wakefield: Cup of Joe?

Todd Wilkins: No, I'll just have Coffee.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tell me about yourself.

I'm from the wrong side of the tracks.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elizabeth: Jessica

Todd: Yeah

Any relation?

Elizabeth: No, no relation at all.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: Lila, you need to tell them that it wasn't me.

Otherwise they'll arrest me.

And go to jail.

And you know how bad I look in Prison Stripes!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You're not Jessica are you?

No. I'm Tom Cruise in one of the Mission Impossible masks.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cheryl Thomas: I will never let my personal life get in the way of nursely duty.

She hands him an Axe.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elizabeth: Enough of the games.

You know that I know that it wasn't me.

Eh?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: Gossip about the Death Row inmates.

Elizabeth Wakefield: Oh no, give me Death Row now!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lila Fowler: Ah Jessica, you missed the best episode of General Hospital.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lila Fowler: You get hit by a door!

(Lila gets hit by a door!)

Todd Wilkins: Jessica, what's this about you getting hit by a door!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

=== ''Might as Well Jump'' ===
Male Student: Hey Winston

Nice dress.

Can we come to the Tea Party too, Tinkerbelle?
------------------------------------------------
Enid Fowler: Besides Jessica and I are way too busy planning our First Class Trip to Paris on Concorde.

Cheryl Thomas: Au revoir.

Jessica Wakefield: Huh
--------------------------------------------------------------
Enid Rollins: I give up

(As soon as she says this, Manny and Enid begin to kiss.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Park Ranger: That was a crazy, stupid thing that you did.

Winston Egbert: Thanks
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Todd Wilkins: My life passed before my eyes.

It was a very short movie.

And you were in every scene.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lila Fowler: Which country has never had a King or Queen?

a. England

b. France

c. The US

Jessica Wakefield: France

Lila Fowler: Jessica, the US has never had a King or Queen

Jessica Wakefield: Excuse me.

Queen Latifah
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Male Student: Hey

Who are you calling stupid?

Todd Wilkins: Me. You

Tradition
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Todd Wilkins: Hey

Will you sign my yearbook?

Elizabeth Wakefield: Todd, so glad you came.

Todd Wilkins: Hey, some traditions are worth keeping.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Yearbook:

Most Likely to Strangle Enid

Best Midriff
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

== Season 4 ==

=== '' Romance Wasn't Built In A Day ''===

Manny Lopez: If at first you don't get through...

Enid Fowler and Manny Lopez: ...dial, dial, again
------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: Congratulations, Enid.

Being annoying finally paid off.
-----------------------------------------------------
Lila Fowler: I heard the President isn't very happy.
-----------------------------------------------------
Todd Wilkins: Hey Liz, come on, we're practically adults now.

(A Bartender reveals a drink with straws)

Bartender: Here you go, kids!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Todd Wilkins: Besides I'm a man now!

(PAUSE)

Hey, is that a zit!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: You're my favourite Latin singer.

Of course, not a lot of people speak Latin.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Renata Vargas: Why have you led me on this wild moose chase?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Todd Wilkins: If anyone's worth waiting for, it's you.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

=== '' Loose Lips Sink Yachts ''===

Mr. Duncan: You must be the new student.

Devon Whitelaw: You must be the old teacher.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: I'm kind of popular.

In fact, I'm very popular.
------------------------------------------------------------------
(Devon finds a teddy bear in his locker, with the following label.)

I can't bear to be without you.
------------------------------------------------------------------
(A picture of Albert Einstein appears on Lila's locker.

She telephones her Father.)

Lila Fowler: Now they're putting pictures of Creepy Old Men on my locker.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: He can't see me like this.

Elizabeth Wakefield: Jess, you look great.

Jessica Wakeield: I know.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Devon Whitelaw: Big night out?

Jessica Wakefield: This old thing.

Devon Whitelaw: It's nice. You might want to lose the price tag.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Renata Vargas: Keep your friends close, and your M and Ms closer.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

=== '' Drag King ''===
Todd Wilkins encounters some Nuns outside of the Track.
-------------------------------------------------------------
One of the bottles in Renata's cabinet is entitled &quot;DICTATOR&quot;

Jessica Wakefield: I'm afraid to ask what's on your other cabinets.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Renata Vargas: Oh my god.

The purple flowers.

In my country, they are a sign of death.
------------------------------------------------
Winston Egbert: Next year, I hope the exchange student is from Des Moines.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Renata speaks Portugeuese to Jessica)

Jessica Wakefield: Are you joking?

I can't even speak Canadian.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Jessica approaches the Car)

Jessica Wakefield: Whatever Renata said!

Whatever Renata said!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

=== '' The Right to Bare Midriffs ''===
Jessica Wakefield: Lila, what's on the other side of the Horoscope section?

Lila Fowler: It's called the front page!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elizabeth Wakefield: Oh, and the other thing.

Can I sign you up for ballet class?

Todd Wilkins: Uhuh
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Todd Wilkins: What's your screen name?

Winston Egbert: Adonis. Like the Greek god.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Opening of Declaration of Independence - With certain inalienable rights)

Cheryl Thomas: Don't you believe in your inalienable rights?

Jessica Wakefield: I hate to tell you this.

But there's no such thing as aliens.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cheryl Thomas: Principal Cooper, I believe it was Voltaire who said

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: I know one thing.

Today, we're going to take our fight to City Hall.

(Pause)

Where is City Hall?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(As Winston realises she likes Todd)

Winston Egbert: What can I say?

He's the one.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: Hey, Lila.

Listen to this.

The Congress shall not abridge the right of the people to petition the Government to a redress of grievances.

(First Amendment of the US Constitution)

(Fourth Article of the US Bill of Rights)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Petunia: If my heart beat reaches 75 beats a minute.

When we log on

And increases to 80 beats a minute.

When you log off at nine.

What is my heartbeat's average rate of change?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winston Egbert: 5 beats an hour is the average rate of change when you're with me.

Of course, that assumes you are in a sealed vaccum.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winston Egbert: Did I get the answer to your Brainteaser right?

Petunia: No, The answer isn't 5 beats an hour.

It's actually Four.

Because when I'm with you, my heart skips a beat.
------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: The Bill of Rights says

We have the right to bear arms.

So duh. 

We also have the right to bear legs.

And most importantly.

The right to bear midriffs.

(Fifth Article of the US Bill of Rights - the right of the people to keep and bear arms).
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cheryl Thomas: How, with a little organisation, even young people can affect change.

Jessica Wakefield: No.

How you should always read a building's directory before you go rushing into rooms.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

=== '' Lights, Camera, Fractions ''===
Enid Rollins: Another new calendar?

Didn't you just buy another one?

Elizabeth Wakefield: Yeah, and the year before that.

And the year before that.
-----------------------------------------------
Todd Wilkins: Do you remember what happened to Mick Evans?

The captain of the wrestling team.

He starred in a Shakespeare play.

As You Like it

(There is a famous Wrestling scene in As You Like It)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Male Teacher: Liz, it seems there is a family emergency and you're needed at home.

Male Student: There is a short cut to the parking lot through the tunnels at home!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elizabeth Wakefield: Not now, Devon, there's a family emergency at home.

Devon Whitelaw: I'm your emergency.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elizabeth Wakefield: So, what's important to you.

Devon Whitelaw: Isn't that obvious.

(Liz realises that Devon must like her.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

=== '' A Kiss is Just a Kiss ''===
----------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: No man should come between us.

After all, we do share the same DOA.

(She should say DNA)
---------------------------------------------------------
(Liz asks Devon to explain the equation on the board in Physics)

Devon Whitelaw: OK. Look.

You have a positively charged ion.

It's colliding with a negative one.

It creates...energy.

You know

You know how opposites attract.

Elizabeth Wakefield: Yeah?

Devon Whitelaw: Then why don't you stop denying what you feel about me.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Devon Whitelaw: You still want me to go.

(They kiss)

I didn't think so.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

=== '' The Kiss Heard Around the School''===
------------------------------------------------
Todd Wilkins: My girlfriend cheated on me.

I'm suspended from School.

And I just sucked down eight milkshakes.

I'm Lactose Intolerant.
----------------------------------------------------------------

=== '' Lucky Streaks ''===
-------------------------------------------------
Lila Fowler: He's skinner than Kate Moss.

Oh wait, that is Kate Moss.
----------------------------------------------
Todd Wilkins: So, how's the rebel without a clue.
--------------------------------------------------------
Lila Fowler: Oh, nice try trying to tell everyone those Green streaks are the latest trend from Paris.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

=== '' West Coast Story: Part 1 ''===

=== '' West Coast Story: Part 2 ''===
(Devon shows Liz the stars.)

Wow, it's beautiful

Devon Whitelaw: I barely noticed.
------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: Well, it is kind of romantic.

It's like living out that classic story of forbidden love.

Between two extremely good looking people.

Big Mesa Student: Romeo and Juliet

Jessica Wakefield: No.

Billy and Alison

Don't you watch Melrose Place?
-------------------------------------------------------------
Manny Lopez: Come on, Enid.

A guy's got to do, what a guy's got to do.

Enid Rollins: And a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
(The words JESSICA WAKEFIELD IS A TRATER appear on the Board.)

Female Teacher: This is very disappointing.

Jessica Wakefield: I agree.

Female Teacher: Traitor is spelt with a O.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Lila Fowler: Going out with the leader of Big Mesa?

Nobody's made a decision that bad since Luke Perry cut off his sideburns.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Female Cheerleader: Jessica, we know you're kissing the enemy.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lila Fowler: It's tough being friends with the unpopular.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

=== '' Rumble in the Valley ''===

=== '' Devon Breaklaw ''===

=== '' Skiing is Believing ''===
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Jessica Wakefield: Don't get too attached to that trophy, Liz.

It will be mine by the end of the weekend.

You might be going to have fun.

I'm going to win.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

=== '' Single in Sweet Valley ''===

=== '' Sailing Solution ''===
Winston Egbert: Maybe you should call your boat The Titanic.

Todd Wilkins: What do you mean?

Winston Egbert: Let's face it. Everytime you guys get back together, it always ends in disaster.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Winston Egbert: I have a sure fire way of getting everybody to your party.

Instead of Cruella de Fowler's.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

=== '' Down by Whitelaw: Part 1 ''===

=== '' Down by Whitelaw: Part 2 ''===

=== '' Swing Time ''===

=== '' Down Horoscope ''===

Jessica Wakefield: Now remember Liz the Party's in a rough neighbourhood.

So don't forget your Pepper Spray.

EW: It's in my purse.

I was talking to Todd!
------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: What happened to you last night?

Elizabeth Wakefield: Todd and I got in a fight.

Jessica Wakefield: You beat him up?

Elizabeth Wakefield: No, no.
---------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: That's not a reason to blow off a party.

That's a reason to have a party.
-----------------------------------------------------------

=== '' A Simple Twist of Mates ''===
--------------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: One of these days, you two will kiss and make up.

(Todd spews water)

Are you OK?
-------------------------------------------------------
Devon Whitelaw: Liz, have you seen Jess?

EW: I think she went to the Library.

Devon Whitelaw: No, really.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Jessica Wakefield: Like anyone reads in the library.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Todd Wilkins: Jess, can you pass the Popcorn please?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

=== '' Ticket to Lie ''===

=== '' Animal Rights and Wrongs ''===

== Cast ==
* [[w:actor1|actor1]] - character1
* [[w:actor2|actor2]] - character2
* [[w:actor3|actor3]] - character3

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|IMDB_ID_number|Show Title}}

[[Category:1990s American comedy-drama TV shows]]
[[Category:1990s American high school TV shows]]
[[Category:UPN shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]</text>
      <sha1>g5lsqa4182u13unw9jt3wner1olr8uk</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-26T20:04:56Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Sort into category</comment>
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      <comment>Undo revision 3147706 by [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] ([[User talk:192.76.8.85|talk]]) Inserted in wrong place</comment>
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;Also: when numbered /sandbox1
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;Also: /doc
A &lt;code&gt;/doc&lt;/code&gt; subpage is also considered a &lt;code&gt;/sandbox&lt;/code&gt;.

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This template can be used on template documentation pages to ensure that any given template sandbox or template documentation does not populate its main template's category(ies).

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[[File:WandaVision wordmark logo.svg|thumb|244px|&lt;center&gt;What is [[grief]], if not [[love]] [[persevering]]?&lt;/center&gt;]] 
'''''[[w:WandaVision|WandaVision]]''''' is a television miniseries airing on [[w:Disney+|Disney+]] based on the [[w:Marvel Comics|Marvel Comics]] characters [[w:Scarlet Witch|Wanda Maximoff / Scarlet Witch]] and [[w:Vision (Marvel Comics)|Vision]].

===''[[w:Filmed Before a Live Studio Audience|Filmed Before a Live Studio Audience]]'' [1.1]===
[[File:WandaVision Episode 1 title card logo.svg|thumb|Would you be so good as to tell me what it is we do here, exactly? Do we make something?]]
:''[Wanda is levitating dishes onto a shelf. Vision walks in and a dish hits his head, breaking it into pieces.]''
:'''Vision:''' My wife and her flying saucers.
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' My husband and his indestructible head.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agnes:''' Hello, dear. I'm Agnes, your neighbor to the right. My right, not yours. Forgive me for not stopping by sooner to welcome you to the block. My mother-in-law was in town, so I wasn't. So, what's your name? Where are you from? And most importantly, how's your bridge game, hon?
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' I'm Wanda. 
:'''Agnes:''' Wanda. [[Charmed (TV series)|Charmed]]. Golly, you settled in fast! Did you use a moving company?
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' I sure did. Those boxes don't move themselves.
:'''Agnes:''' So what's a single gal like you doing rattling around this big house?
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' Oh, no, I'm not single.
:'''Agnes:''' Oh, I don't see a ring.
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' Well, I assure you, I'm married. To a man. A human one and tall.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Vision is at work at Computational Services, Inc.]''
:'''Vision:''' Would you be so good as to tell me what it is we do here, exactly? Do we make something?
:'''Norm:''' No.
:'''Vision:''' Right. Do we buy or sell something?
:'''Norm:''' No and no.
:'''Vision:''' Then what is the purpose of this company?
:'''Norm:''' All I know is, since you've gotten here, productivity has gone up 300%.
:'''Vision:''' Yes, but what is it we're producing?
:'''Norm:''' Computational forms. And no one can process the data quite like you do, pal. You're like a walking computer.
:'''Vision:''' What? I most certainly am not! I'm a regular carbon-based employee made entirely of organic matter, much like yourself, Norm.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' We are an unusual couple, you know?
:'''Vision:''' Oh, I don't think that was ''ever'' in question.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Wanda ''&quot;magics&quot; '' wedding rings onto her and Vision's fingers.]''
:'''Vision:''' I do. Do you?
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' Yes. I do.
:'''Vision:''' And they lived happily ever after.
:''[They kiss as show credits roll.]''

===''[[w:Don't Touch That Dial|Don't Touch That Dial]]'' [1.2]===
[[File:WandaVision Episode 2 title card logo.svg|thumb|Wanda, you're not at all worried that the audience might just see through this little charade?]]
[[File:Elizabeth Olsen &amp; Paul Bettany (48469187077).jpg|thumb|Today, we will lie to you, and yet you will [[believe]] our little deceptions because human beings are easily fooled due to their limited [[understanding]] of the inner workings of the [[universe]].]]
:'''Vision:''' ''[practicing a talent-show magic act]'' Wanda, you're not at all worried that the audience might just see through this little charade?
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' Well, that's the whole point! In a real magic act, everything is fake! Darling, the talent show fundraiser is the most important event of the season, and it's our neighborly duty to participate. Plus, it's our chance to appear as normal as possible while doing so.
:'''Vision:''' ''[pointing to his android face]'' Well, I don't think ''that'' should be a problem.
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' This is our home now. I want us to fit in.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dottie Jones:''' The devil's in the details, Bev.
:'''Agnes:''' That's not the only place he is.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agnes:''' ''[aside to Wanda, regarding Dottie's meeting]'' How is ''anyone'' doing this sober?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dottie has cut her palm on broken glass. Wanda quickly covers it with a cloth dinner napkin.]''
:'''Dottie Jones:''' Pop quiz, Wanda. How does a housewife get a bloodstain out of white linen? ''[a beat]'' By doing it herself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vision:''' Hello, Westview! Good afternoon. It's so lovely to be ...''[bumping into a handrail]'' I'm so sorry. Excuse me. I am Glamour, and this is my delightful assistant, Illusion.
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' ''I'' am Glamour and ''he's'' Illusion.
:'''Vision:''' Yeah, what she said. Today, we will lie to you, and yet you will believe our little deceptions because human beings are easily fooled due to their limited understanding of the inner workings of the universe.

===''[[w:Now in Color|Now in Color]]'' [1.3]===
:'''Dr. Nielsen:''' We let the little ladies keep tabs of on their growing babies with fruit. Makes it simple for them. ''[Wanda grimaces at the sexism]'' At four months, the fetus is about as big as a pear. At five months, a papaya. Six, grapefruit. Seven, pineapple. Eight, ''honeydew''.
:'''Vision:''' Hypothetically speaking, what size fruit would it be at, say, hmm, twelve hours?
:'''Dr. Nielsen:''' ''[confused]'' Uh, pardon? Twelve hours?
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' ''[brightly]'' Well, I think this line of questioning is 'fruitless'. ''[chuckles]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vision:''' Huh. Strangest thing just happened outside with... ''[turns to see Wanda's bump has grown larger]'' Whoa, Nelly! Have you gotten bigger?!
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' Have I?
:''[Wanda turns around and knocks into a bowl of fruit with her belly. Vision moves at super-speed and catches the papaya.]''
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' ''[continuing, looking down]'' I can't tell from this angle.
:'''Vision:''' I can't wait... ''[chuckles]'' ...to be a proud ''papa-ya''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vision:''' Well, if that was the first kick, that puts you at about... six months! Boy, oh, boy, I thought I had superspeed. I can't keep up! ''[baby talk]'' Please don't misinterpret; I can't wait to meet you, little Billy.
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' &quot;Billy&quot;?
:'''Vision:''' Yeah.
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' Well, I was thinking &quot;Tommy&quot;. Just a nice, classic, all-American name.
:'''Vision:''' Hmm, &quot;Tommy&quot;. Hmm, yeah. Yeah. Then there's &quot;Billy&quot;, isn't there? Named after [[William Shakespeare]]. &quot;[[Macbeth|All the world's a stage. All the men and women merely players]].&quot;
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' Well, I guess there's only one solution to this debate. Hope for a girl.
:'''Vision:''' Well, we ought to decide soon. I estimate the baby's due... it's not a constant progression, assumingly logarithmic, but were I to graph the fetal development thus far...
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' He's gonna be here before you figure it out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Geraldine:''' Can you believe it? Twins! Hi.
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' ...I'm a twin. ''[forlornly]'' I had a brother. His name was...[[w:Quicksilver (Marvel Comics|Pietro]]. 
:''[Wanda sings to the babies is Sokovian]''
:'''Geraldine:''' ''[confused]'' [[w:Avengers: Age of Ultron|He was killed by Ultron]], wasn't he?
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' ...What did you say? Just now? ''[a single tear rolls down Wanda's face]''
:'''Geraldine:''' I said...Wanda, you're such a strong lady. Should I say it one more time, for good measure?
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' No. What did you say about Pietro?
:'''Geraldine:''' Pietro? ''[thinks]'' Hey, I'll take a shift rocking the babies-
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' No, I think you should leave. 
:'''Geraldine:''' Oh Wanda, don't be like that!
:''[Wanda sees the SWORD pendant on &quot;Geraldine&quot;]''
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' What is that? 
:'''Geraldine:''' What?
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' ''[gestures to the pendant]'' That symbol.
:'''Geraldine:''' I ''[stammers]'', I—

===''[[w:We Interrupt This Program|We Interrupt This Program]]'' [1.4]===
:''[Monica Rambeau meets Jimmy Woo on the outskirts of Westview]''
:'''[[w:Monica Rambeau (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Monica Rambeau]]:''' What's the story here, Agent Woo?
:'''[[w:Jimmy Woo (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Jimmy Woo]]:''' Uh, I've got a witness set up down the road in Westview, and this morning, it looked like he flew the coop.
:'''Monica Rambeau:''' Your missing person is in the Witness Protection Program?
:'''Jimmy Woo:''' I have contacted known associates, relatives...
:'''Monica Rambeau:''' And let me guess, none of them have seen him either?
:'''Jimmy Woo:''' No. None of them have ever heard of him. Something seemed hanky to me, so I took the first flight out of Oakland to interface with local law enforcement, which is when I encountered a new wrinkle.
:'''Monica Rambeau:''' What is that? 
:'''Jimmy Woo:''' ''[turns to the Sheriff of Eastview]'' Pardon me, Sheriff. Would you mind repeating your claim about Westview to my colleague here?
:'''Sheriff:''' ''[with a billboard reading &quot;Welcome to Westview&quot; behind him]'' No such place.
:'''Monica Rambeau:''' You're saying the town of Westview, New Jersey doesn't exist?
:'''Sheriff:''' It's what I keep telling your [[w:Half-Life (video game)|G-Man]] here, but he won't listen.
:'''Monica Rambeau:''' I see. And, um, I'm sorry, what ... What town are you from?
:'''Sheriff:''' ''East''view.
:'''Jimmy Woo:''' Thank you, Sheriff. I'll reach out if we need any further assistance. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy Woo:''' This isn't a missing person's case, Captain Rambeau, it's a missing ''town''. Population 3,892.
:'''Monica Rambeau:''' Why haven't you gone inside to investigate?
:'''Jimmy Woo:''' 'Cause it doesn't want me to. You can feel it, too, can't you? ''[They both look down the road at the Westview outskirts]'' Nobody's supposed to go in.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Darcy Lewis|Darcy Lewis]]:''' FBI, Army. I saw the Air Force Office of Special Investigations out there. Research Lab. Space Command, too. A bona fide joint multi-service response. Really looking forward to the commemorative T-shirt.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy Woo:''' We don't know enough about the nature of the threat to send in another agent when the first is yet to return.
:'''Tyler Hayward:''' Someone must really miss you back at [[w:FBI Academy|Quantico]].
:'''Jimmy Woo:''' ''[snidely]'' No, sir. Softball season's over, sir.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tyler Hayward:''' ''[regarding the'' WandaVision ''broadcast]'' Is it authentic?
:'''Darcy Lewis:''' I'm not sure how to answer that.
:'''Tyler Hayward:''' Is it happening in real time? Is it recorded, fabricated?
:'''Darcy Lewis:''' I don't know. I don't know. And I don't know,.
:'''Tyler Hayward:''' What do you know?
:'''Darcy Lewis:''' My equipment registered an extremely high level of CMBR. That's...
:'''Tyler Hayward:''' Relic radiation dating back to the Big Bang.
:'''Darcy Lewis:''' Yeah. Entwined was a broadcast frequency. So I had your goons pick me up a sweet vintage TV. And when I plug this bad boy in, ''voilà'', sound and picture.
:'''Jimmy Woo:''' So you're saying the universe created a sitcom starring two Avengers?
:'''Darcy Lewis:''' It's a working theory.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Darcy are watching'' WandaVision ''episode 3 as Wanda gives birth.]''
:'''Darcy Lewis:''' ''[emotional]'' Twins. What a twist. ''[off Jimmy's look]'' What? I'm invested. ''[sniffles]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Monica has broken character in front of Wanda by mentioning Pietro's death]''
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' Who are you? 
:'''Monica Rambeau:''' ''[slipping out of character]'' I...don't remember. ''[Wanda steps menacingly towards Monica]''
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' ''[in a harsh whisper]'' Who...are you?
:'''Monica Rambeau:''' ''[forces a smile]'' Wanda, I'm just your neighbor.
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' Then how could you know about Ultron? ''[she conjures telekinetic energy in both of her hands]'' You're not my neighbor. And you're definitely not my friend. You are a stranger. An outsider. And right now, you are trespassing here. And I want you to leave. ''[she throws a bolt of energy at Monica. Monica is thrown backwards through the wall, two fences, and the Hex barrier]''

===''[[w:On a Very Special Episode...|On a Very Special Episode...]]'' [1.5]===
[[File:WandaVision Episode 5 title card logo (simplified).svg|thumb| Now boys, taking care of a living thing is a big responsibility.]]
[[File:Teyonah Parris (48468994196) (cropped).jpg|thumb| On some level, Wanda, you ''know'' I am an ally. I want to help you.]]

:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' ''[trying to comfort a crying baby Tommy]'' Please, sweet Tommy, don't you wanna sleep? Mommy wants to sleep. If you go to sleep, I promise, you will be my favorite twin!
:'''Vision:''' ''[coming down the stairs with a crying baby Billy]'' Oh, come on now, darling. You know we love them both equally.
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' Well, don't tell ''him'' that! ''[Vision chuckles]'' No luck with Billy?
:'''Vision:''' Tried reading to him, but for some reason, [[Charles Darwin]]'s ''[[w:The Descent of Man|The Descent of Man]]'' made him cry even harder.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Wanda finds Tommy and Billy in the kitchen, where they're giving Sparky a makeshift bath in the sink]''
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' You know, I don't miss the crying, but jeez Louise, did you have to learn to walk? You two never stay put. ''[Wanda narrows her eyes at the twins, suspicious at how still they're standing]'' ...Unless you're &quot;innocently&quot; forming a human ''wall'' in front of the kitchen sink. ''[The dog sneezes]'' Bless you!
:'''Billy and Tommy Maximoff:''' Thank you. ''[the dog barks]''
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' Now tell me, which one of you just barked? Scoot! ''[The boys step off the stools, and Wanda notices the dog]'' Oh, boy! Waiter, what's this canine doing in my kitchen sink?
:'''Tommy Maximoff:''' The doggy paddle?
:'''Billy Maximoff:''' Can we keep him, Mommy?
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' Well, I'm sure his owners miss him very much. Come on. ''[lifting the dog out of the sink]'' Huh, there really is no collar.
:'''Billy Maximoff:''' Can we keep him? He was outside, crying, alone.
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' Now boys, taking care of a living thing is a big responsibility. Dogs need food, exercise, training ...''[slips into baby talk]'' belly rubs, and cuddles, and kisses between his little ears!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[SWORD has sent a drone in to talk to Wanda]''
:'''Monica Rambeau:''' Wanda, this is Captain Monica Rambeau. Can you hear me? ''[Wanda glares up at the drone]'' I just want to talk. That's it. ''[As she watches, Wanda's eyes glow a bright red]''
:'''Tyler Hayward:''' No joy.
:'''Monica Rambeau:''' Uh...my controls aren't working. Reconnect patch!
:'''Tyler Hayward:''' ''[to another agent]'' Disregard. Take the shot.
:'''Monica Rambeau:''' What? No, the drone isn't armed.
:'''Tyler Hayward:''' Take the shot!
:''[The drone operator fires the missile. Just as quickly, the feed goes dead]''
:'''Monica Rambeau:''' ''[rips off her headset; to Hayward]'' What did you do?!
:''[An alarm goes off]''
:'''S.W.O.R.D. agent:''' There's a breach, sir!
:''[Everyone piles out of the room, gets into their cars, and drives to the spot of the breach. After several seconds of waiting, the Hex barrier flickers a few times. Wanda emerges, dragging the drone behind her as she marches towards the S.W.O.R.D. agents]''
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' Is this yours?! ''[Wanda tosses the drone at Hayward's feet]''
:'''Tyler Hayward:''' The missile was just a precaution. You can hardly blame us, Wanda.
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' Oh, I think I can. This will be your ''only'' warning: '''''Stay out of my home.''''' You don't bother me, I won't bother you.
:'''Tyler Hayward:''' I wish it could be that simple. You've taken an entire town hostage.
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' I'm not the one with the guns, Director!
:'''Monica Rambeau:''' But you ''are'' the one in control.
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' ''[irritated]'' You're still here. ''[Wanda conjures a ball of energy in her right hand]'' 
:'''Monica Rambeau:''' Wanda, I didn't know the drones were armed. But you know that, don't you? A town full of civilians and you, a telepath, brought a S.W.O.R.D. agent into your home. You trusted me to help deliver your babies! On some level, Wanda, you ''know'' I am an ally. I want to help you.
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' ''How?'' What could you possibly have to offer me?
:'''Monica Rambeau:''' What do you want?
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' I ''have'' what I want. ''[glares at Hayward]'' And ''no one'' will ever take it from me, '''''again'''''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' ''[about the boys' grief over Sparky's death]'' The urge to run from this feeling is powerful. I know.
:'''Billy Maximoff:''' It's too sad.
:'''Tommy Maximoff:''' You can fix anything, Mom. Fix the ''dead''.
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' ''[shocked]'' What?.... no.
:'''Agnes:''' ''[amazed]'' You can do that?
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' I am ''trying'' to tell you... that there are rules in life, okay? We can't rush aging just because it's convenient. ''[chuckles]'' And we can't reverse death. No matter how sad it makes us. Okay? Some things are forever.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Vision decides to confront Wanda about what happened to him at work]''
:'''Vision:''' I spoke with Norm. 
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' ...Oh?
:'''Vision:''' I unearthed the man's suppressed personality and I spoke to him free of your oversight. He was in pain, Wanda.
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' Vision... ''[chuckles lightly]'' Listen, can we just--
:'''Vision:''' What? Watch TV? Turn in for the night so you can change everything over again? No, Wanda. You can't control me the way you do them.
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' ''[meaningfully]'' ...Can't I? ''[walks out of the room as the credits start to roll]'' I'm going to bed!
:'''Vision:''' No! We're not done here! ''[Wanda stops in her tracks]'' What is the Maximoff Anomaly?
:'''Wanda Maximoff:'''  The what? 
:'''Vision:''' I have to believe that this ''[gestures to the closing credits scrolling across the screen]'', whatever ''this'' is, was subconscious at first, and that you only recently became aware of it.
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' Aware of...''what''? ''[Wanda exits into the other room. Vision follows her, shifting back to his synthezoid form. The credits glitch out]''
:'''Vision:''' ''[angrily]''  Norm has a FAMILY, Wanda! He has a family and he can’t reach them because YOU WON'T LET HIM REACH THEM!
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' I don't know what you're talking about!
:'''Vision:''' ''[levitates into the air]'' '''STOP ''LYING'' TO ME!!!'''
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' ''[levitates to match Vision]'' This! ''All'' of this is for us. So let me handle it!
:'''Vision:''' ''[angered]'' What is outside of Westview?!
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' You don't want to know, I promise you!
:'''Vision:''' YOU DON'T GET TO MAKE THAT CHOICE ''FOR'' ME, WANDA!
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' ''[distressed]'' You've never talked to me like this before! ''[lowers herself back to the floor]''
:'''Vision:''' Before what!? Before WHAT!? I can't remember my life before Westview! I don't know who I ''am''! I'm scared!
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' ''[fighting back tears]'' You are my husband. You're Tommy and Billy's father. Isn't that enough? ''[Vision lowers himself to the floor, allowing Wanda to take his hands in hers]''
:'''Vision:''' ''[glances out the window]'' ...Wanda, why are there no other children in Westview?
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' ''[scoffs]'' Oh, god! There ''are''! Just stop it!
:'''Vision:''' No, no. The playground stands empty every morning I walk to work. Why? Tell me, why-
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' ''[exasperated]'' Do you really think that ''I'' am controlling everything?! That I-I am somehow in charge of everybody in Westview?! I'm walking their dogs, mowing their lawns, getting them to dentist appointments on time?! I mean, I...''[scoffs]''...I don't know how any of this started in the first place!
:'''Vision:''' Wanda, what you're doing here, it's wrong.
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' I...
:'''Vision:''' It is wrong. ''[the doorbell rings]''
:'''Wanda Maximoff:'''  I didn't do that. I...''[seeing his look]'' You don't believe me.
:'''Vision:''' Wanda, I want to, but at this point, I'm ignoring statistics entirely.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Quicksilver (Marvel Comics)|&quot;Pietro&quot;]]:''' Long lost bro get to squeeze his stinkin' sister to death or ''what''?

===''[[w:All-New Halloween Spooktacular!|All-New Halloween Spooktacular!]]'' [1.6]===
[[File:WandaVision Episode 6 title card logo (simplified).svg|thumb| Worst case scenario, Wanda removes my [[free will]] and puts me in ultra-[[w:Low rise jeans|low rise jeans]].]]
 
:'''Vision:''' Well, you have fun tonight, darling.
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' What? What do you mean? You're all dressed and ready to go.
:'''Vision:''' I'm undercover. Halloween is a bacchanal for adolescent trouble-makers, and the neighborhood watch is the only thing standing between the trees and the toilet paper.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Darcy Lewis:''' Hey, there he is. The guy who almost got murdered by his own murder squad.
:'''Tyler Hayward:''' ''[regards Darcy]'' You work for me?
:'''Darcy Lewis:''' I actually don't know.
:'''Monica Rambeau:''' She's with me.
:'''Tyler Hayward:''' I see. And which one of you is the sassy best friend?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Darcy Lewis:''' You can't go back into the Hex.
:'''Monica Rambeau:''' Worst case scenario, Wanda removes my [[free will]] and puts me in ultra-[[w:Low rise jeans|low rise jeans]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Vision has temporarily released Agnes from Wanda's control and is looking for answers]''
:'''Agnes:''' Am I dead?
:'''Vision:''' ''[reassuringly]'' No, no. Why would you think that?
:'''Agnes:''' Because you are.
:'''Vision:''' ''[confused]'' Because I'm what...?
:'''Agnes:''' Dead. Dead! ''Dead!'' '''''Dead!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Vision:''' ''[being torn apart from leaving the Hex]'' Help! The people need help! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''&quot;Pietro&quot;:''' Hey, don't sweat it, sis. It's not like your dead husband can die twice.

===''[[w:Breaking the Fourth Wall (WandaVision)|Breaking the Fourth Wall]]'' [1.7]===
[[File:WandaVision Episode 7 title card logo (Dark).svg|thumb|What I do know is I've been watching ''WandaVision'' for the past week, and the love you two have is real. You belong together.]]
[[File:Elizabeth Olsen &amp; James Spader SDCC 2014 (cropped).jpg|thumb|Look, we've all been there, right? Letting our [[fear]] and [[anger]] get the best of us — intentionally expanding the borders of the [[false]] [[world]] we [[created]]…]]
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' Look, we've all been there, right? Letting our fear and anger get the best of us? Intentionally expanding the borders of the false world we created... ''[cut to fleeing S.W.O.R.D agents being swallowed up by the expanding Hex, filmed in mockumentary style with percussive heavy music]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Darcy Lewis:''' ''[having had her true personality restored by Vision]'' Oh, hello, self. You know, part of me secretly wanted a guest spot on the show, but seriously, that sucked.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:&quot;Feeling depressed? Like the world goes on without you? Do you just want to be left alone? Ask your doctor about'' Nexus''. A unique [[w:Anti-depressant|anti-depressant]] that works to anchor you back to your reality. Or the reality of your choice. Side effects include feeling your feelings, confronting your truth, seizing your destiny, and possibly, more depression. You should not take'' Nexus '' unless your doctor has cleared you to move on with your life.'' Nexus. ''Because the world doesn't revolve around you. Or does it?&quot;
:* ''[The'' Nexus ''commercial narration]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Vision and Darcy are driving to Westview]''
:'''Vision:''' So if I understand correctly, my original code dates back to an [[w:AI|AI]] called [[w:J.A.R.V.I.S.|J.A.R.V.I.S.]]. But my corporeal form was born of [[w:Avengers: Age of Ultron|Ultron's plan for global genocide]]?
:'''Darcy Lewis:''' Correct-o
:'''Vision:''' What am I now?
:'''Darcy Lewis:''' Honestly, I'm a [[w:STEM|STEM]] type of lady, so I thought she just flipped a switch on your head and brought you back to life, but... what I don't get is why you can't leave the Hex. ''[Vision's expression saddens]'' What I do know is I've been watching ''WandaVision'' for the past week, and the love you two have is real. You belong together.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Monica tracks down Wanda to her house in Westview]''
:'''Monica Rambeau:''' Wanda? Wanda!
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' What are you doing?
:'''Monica Rambeau:''' Wanda-
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' How did you get in here?!
:'''Monica Rambeau:''' Listen to me. This whole thing, it's about Vision-
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' ''[seething]'' Get out of my house!
:'''Monica Rambeau:''' Hayward was trying to bring him b- ''[Wanda grabs Monica and flings her out of the house, levitating her over the sidewalk]''
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' '''DON'T''' TALK TO ME ABOUT THAT! I DON'T WANT TO ''HEAR'' ABOUT IT! THE ''DRONES!'' THE ''MISSILES!'' '''''PIETRO!''''' ''[laughs darkly]''
:'''Monica Rambeau:''' What, Pietro? No-no-no-no, that wasn't us!
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' '''ALL YOU DO IS ''LIE!!!''''' ''[shoves Monica into the sidewalk. Monica lands on the concrete, her eyes crackling with energy as she gets back on her feet]''
:'''Monica Rambeau:''' The only lies I've told are the ones ''you'' put in my mouth!
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' ''[conjures energy in her hands]'' Careful what you say to me.
:'''Monica Rambeau:''' Do it then. Take me out. ''[Wanda's complexion falters, horrified by the suggestion]'' It's easy. That's where you and Hayward differ. He's going to burn Westview to the ground just to get what he wants. Don't let him make you the villain!
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' Maybe I already am. ''[Agatha looks out her window, investigating the commotion]''
:'''Monica Rambeau:''' Wanda, you have to trust me.
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' I can't.
:'''Monica Rambeau:''' I'm not afraid of you, Wanda. I lost the person closest to me, too. The worst thing I can think of has already happened to me. And I can't change it. I can't undo it. I can't control this pain anymore, and I don't think I want to, because it's my truth. ''[There's a pause as Wanda processes Monica's words]'' Wanda- ''[Agatha walks over]''
:'''Agatha Harkness:''' Young lady, I think you overstayed your welcome. Poor Wanda's been through enough. 
:'''Monica Rambeau:''' This doesn't concern you. ''[Agatha puts her hands on Wanda's shoulders]''
:'''Agatha Harkness:''' Oh yeah? Run along, dear. ''[Agatha begins steering Wanda towards her house]''
:'''Monica Rambeau:''' Wanda, you have to take it down!
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' ''[points a finger at Monica]'' No! Don't make me hurt you.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[ from musical theme song'' &quot;[[w:Agatha All Along|Agatha All Along]]!&quot;'' ]''
:'''[[w:Agatha Harkness|Agatha Harkness]]''': And I killed Sparky, too!
:* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8u8md-NiHM Official videoclip]

===''[[w:Previously On|Previously On]]'' [1.8]===
:'''Agatha Harkness:''' I can be good!
:'''Evanora Harkness:''' No, you can not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Harkness:''' ''[regarding Wanda's memory of the [[w:Avengers: Age of Ultron|HYDRA lab]] where she gained her powers]'' Ah. Wanda, the rebellious years. Quick question: your reaction to the bombing of your civilian apartment building and the murder of your ''parents'' was to join an anti-freedom ''terrorist'' organization?
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' We wanted to change the world.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Vision finds Wanda in her bedroom at the Avengers Compound, lost in her grief over her brother's death]''
:'''Vision:''' Wanda, I...don't presume to know what you're feeling. But I would like to know, should you wish to tell me, should that be of some comfort to you?
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' What makes you think that talking about it would bring me comfort?
:'''Vision:''' Oh, see, I read that...
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' The ''only'' thing that would bring me comfort is seeing him again. 
:''[Vision falls silent]''
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' I'm sorry. I'm so tired. ''[Wanda wipes tears from her eyes]'' It's-it's just like this wave washing over me, again and again. It knocks me down, and when I try to stand up, it just comes for me again. And I ... It's just gonna drown me.
:'''Vision:''' No. No, it won't.
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' How do you know?
:'''Vision:''' Well, because it can't all be sorrow, can it? I've always been alone, so I don't feel the lack. It's all I've ever known. I've never experienced loss because I have never had a loved one to lose. '''''But what is grief, if not love persevering?'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Wanda barges into Hayward's office, seeking reclaim Vision's remains]''
:'''Tyler Hayward:''' Wanda Maximoff. It’s an honor to meet you. Truly.
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' Who are you?
:'''Tyler Hayward:''' Director Tyler Hayward. I... understand you’re here to see the Vision, to... recover the body, that is. Is that right?
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' Well, I’m his next of kin.
:'''Tyler Hayward:''' I understand. I’d like to show you something.
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' And then you’ll give him to me?
:'''Tyler Hayward:''' Please, just come with me.
:''[He ushers Wanda over to a viewing gallery connected to his office, overlooking a lab. Down below, technicians are operating on Vision's dissected body]''
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' What is this? Why are you showing me this?
:'''Tyler Hayward:''' Because you asked to see it.
:''[Wanda steels herself to look down into the lab again. She notices Vision's limbs and head have been separated from his torso, connected only by electrical wiring. One tech begins tracing the area around the crater in his forehead where the Mind Stone resided]'' 
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' ''[shuddering]'' Stop...stop... stop it! ''[turns to Hayward]'' What... what are you doing to him?!
:'''Tyler Hayward:''' We're dismantling the most sophisticated, sentient weapon ever made.
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' Vision's not a weapon! You can't do this!
:'''Tyler Hayward:''' In fact, it is our legal and ethical obligation.
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' I just want to bury him! That's all I want!
:'''Tyler Hayward:''' Are you sure?
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' ''[bewildered]'' Excuse me?!
:'''Tyler Hayward:''' Not everyone has the kind of power that can bring their soulmate back online. ''[Wanda glares at him]'' Forgive me, ''back to life''.
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' Well, I can't do that. That's... that's not why I'm here!
:'''Tyler Hayward:''' Okay. But I cannot allow you to take $3 billion worth of vibranium just to put it in the ground. So the best I can do is let you say goodbye to him here.
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' ''[fighting back tears]'' He's all I have!
:'''Tyler Hayward:''' ''[coldly]'' Well that's just it, Wanda. He isn't yours.
:''[Wanda turns to the window, and shatters it, showering the lab with glass shards. She flies down to Vision's remains. Moments later, several SWORD security guards show up and train their guns on Wanda]''
:'''Tyler Hayward:''' Fall back. It’s fine. Let her see for herself.
:''[The guards lower their guns. Wanda walks over to Vision's head and tries to project energy into the crater where the Mind Stone originally resided]''
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' ''[breaking into tears]'' [[w:Avengers: Infinity War|I can't feel you]]. ''[softly]'' I can't feel you...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Wanda finds Agatha holding her children hostage in the street]''
:'''Agatha Harkness:''' You have no idea how dangerous you are. You're supposed to be a myth. A being capable of spontaneous creation, and here you are, using it to make breakfast for dinner.
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' Let go of my children!
:'''Agatha Harkness:''' Oh, yes, your children. And Vision, and this whole little life you've made. This is Chaos Magic, Wanda, and that makes you the ''Scarlet Witch''.

===''[[w:The Series Finale|The Series Finale]]'' [1.9]===
[[File:Kathryn Hahn.jpg|thumb|I take [[power]] from the undeserving. It's kind of my thing.]]
[[File:Anna Berent - Scena symboliczna na tle morza.jpg|thumb|You are familiar with the thought experiment the [[w:Ship of Theseus|Ship of Theseus]] in the field of identity metaphysics?]]
:'''Agatha Harkness:''' I take power from the undeserving. It's kind of my thing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Wanda, Vision and their sons find themselves being ambushed by a combination of White Vision, SWORD agents, and Agatha]''
:'''Vision:''' Listen, boys. Your mother and I never really prepared you for this.
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' But you were ''born'' for it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The two Visions' battle takes them into the Westview library]''
:'''Hex Vision:''' Why are you doing this?
:'''White Vision:''' My programming directive is to &quot;destroy the Vision&quot;.
:''[Their fight progresses, until Hex Vision gets White Vision in a chokehold]''
:'''Hex Vision:''' But I'm not the true Vision. Only a conditional Vision.
:''[White Vision phases out of the chokehold. Hex Vision heats up the laser in his forehead, prepared to fire, but White Vision doesn't do the same]''
:'''White Vision:''' I request elaboration. 
:''[The two Visions float around the rotunda in the center of the library]''
:'''Hex Vision:''' You are familiar with the thought experiment the [[w:Ship of Theseus|Ship of Theseus]] in the field of identity metaphysics?
:'''White Vision:''' Naturally. The Ship of Theseus is an artifact in a museum. Over time, its planks of wood rot and are replaced with new planks. When no original plank remains, is it still the Ship of Theseus?
:'''Hex Vision:''' Secondly, if those removed planks are restored and reassembled, free of the rot, is ''that'' the Ship of Theseus?
:'''White Vision:''' ''[frowns]'' Neither is the true ship. ''Both'' are the true ship.
:'''Hex Vision:''' Well, then, we are agreed.
:'''White Vision:''' But I do not have the Mind Stone.
:'''Hex Vision:''' And I do not have one single ounce of original material. Perhaps, the rot is the memories. The wear and tear are the voyages. The wood touched by Theseus himself.
:'''White Vision:''' I have not retained memories.
:'''Hex Vision:''' But you do have the data. It is merely being kept from you.
:'''White Vision:''' A weapon to be more easily controlled. But, certainly, you are the true Vision, for you believe yourself to be.
:'''Hex Vision:''' That was once the case. But upon meeting you, I have been disabused of that notion.
&lt;hr width=50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Harkness:''' Wanda. You've never been up against another witch before. Don't you know there's a whole chapter dedicated to you in the Darkhold? That's the book of the dammned! ''[Agatha materializes the Darkhold]'' &quot;The Scarlet Witch is not born, she is forged. She has no coven, nor need of incantations.&quot; 
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' I'm not a witch! I don't cast spells! ''NO ONE'' TAUGHT ME MAGIC!
:'''Agatha Harkness:''' Your power exceeds that of [[Doctor Strange (film)|the Sorcerer Supreme]]. It's your destiny to destroy the world.
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' ''[throws up her arms in exasperation]'' I'm ''not'' what you say I am!
:'''Agatha Harkness:''' Oh really? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Wanda has neutralized Agatha's magic by throwing up runes around the Hex]''
:'''Agatha Harkness:''' Runes?
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' &quot;In a given space, only the witch who cast them can use her magic.&quot; Thanks for the lesson. But I don't need you to tell me who I am.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Wanda is saying goodbye to Hex Vision]''
:'''Vision:''' Wanda, I know we can't stay like this. But before I go, I feel I must know: What am I?
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' You, Vision, are the piece of the Mind Stone that lives in me. You are a body of wires and blood and bone that I created. You are my sadness and my hope. And mostly you're my love.
:'''Vision:''' I have been a voice with no body, a body but not human, and now a memory made real. Who knows what I might be next?
:''[They look out the window to see the collapsing Hex wall approaching.]''
:'''Vision:''' We have said goodbye to each other before, so it stands to reason--
:'''Wanda Maximoff:''' We'll say hello again.
:''[Vision and the house slowly start to dissolve and dismantle]''
:'''Vision:''' So long, darling. ''[dissolves completely]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy is overseeing the cleanup of Westview in the wake of Wanda's departure]''
:'''Jimmy Woo:''' Monica!
:'''Monica Rambeau:''' Authority looks good on you, Jimmy.
:'''Jimmy Woo:''' Where's Darcy?
:'''Monica Rambeau:''' Ah, something about &quot;Debriefs are for the weak.&quot;

== Quotes about ''WandaVision'' ==
:&lt;small&gt;Sorted alphabetically by author or source&lt;/small&gt; 

* '''For all its fantastical trappings, ''WandaVision'' is perhaps the Marvel project most rooted in reality. Its depictions of trauma, of grief and loss — filtered through a mystery-laden, superpower-driven plot, natch — are moving and resonant.''' &lt;br /&gt; Wanda built walls — a contained world, really — so she could drone out her searing pain with laugh tracks and pratfalls. '''Watching her slowly start to break them down has been cathartic for audiences living through a year of relentless loss.'''
** Scottie Andrew, in [https://www.cnn.com/2021/03/06/us/wandavision-grief-disney-plus-trnd/index.html &quot;The emotional catharsis of ''Wandavision'' in a year of grief&quot;, ''CNN'' (6 March 2021)]

* Let’s put it this way: She only saw ''[[Avengers: Endgame]]'' in theaters once. &lt;br /&gt; So she didn’t think much of it when she posted what she thought was an innocuous tweet to her 800 or so followers, praising a line from Marvel’s latest hit show, ''WandaVision''. In one scene, a character suggests to another, &quot;'''But what is grief, if not love persevering?'''&quot; &lt;br /&gt; When she heard it, she muttered an expletive under her breath. As both a screenwriter and a casual fan, the line struck her as a standout. &quot;'''Sometimes you hear a line, and you can tell it would be remembered''',&quot; she said. &lt;br /&gt; So on Saturday, intending to poke fun at her &quot;screenwriter self,&quot; she tweeted a photo with the line as the caption, adding,''' &quot;Do you hear that sound? It’s every screenwriter in the world whispering a reverent 'F---' under their breath.&quot; '''That evening, she went to bed, pleased with the 100 likes it received. &lt;br /&gt; Little did she know that tweet would become a symbol of the almost hyperbolic feelings the MCU inspires online — from both fans and detractors. And how the earnestness of fans of a popular, Disney-controlled product can clash with the cynicism of a place like Twitter. &lt;br /&gt; The next morning, [https://twitter.com/madhat31/status/1365773588586987522 Hatfield’s tweet] had 10,000 likes.
** Travis M. Andrews, in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/arts-entertainment/2021/03/05/wandavision-tweet-grief-love-persevering/ &quot;How a ''WandaVision'' viral tweet explains the passion of Marvel fans — and haters&quot;, ''The Washington Post'' (5 March 2021)]

* '''Vision knows his time is almost up but before he goes he wants to know how he came to be.''' Wanda reveals he is part of the Mind Stone that has lived inside her since her initial contact with it. They share one last kiss and then Vision, and the house Wanda built for them, are gone. The only thing remaining is the empty plot of land that was the genesis of the emotional breakdown that led to Wanda casting such a heartbreaking spell to begin with. A spell that was doomed to fail at some point if Wanda were to reclaim her compassion and humanity. Which she did. &lt;br /&gt; So what about the controversy of ''WandaVision'' director Matt Shakman saying he was worried some fans might be &quot;disappointed&quot; in the finale? &lt;br /&gt; The only explanation for that is the unlimited amount of rumors and theories that ''WandaVision'' spawned online. All of which fell flat on their face.&lt;br /&gt;''WandaVision'' put such a spell on us over these last nine weeks, the internet had many of us believing and hoping that the show was a portal to satisfying the hopes and dreams of Marvel Studios fandom. 
** David Betancourt, in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/arts-entertainment/2021/03/06/wandavision-finale-agatha/ &quot;The ''WandaVision'' finale did what it had to do — not what we wanted it to do&quot;, ''The Washington Post'' (6 March 2021)]

* The series works because it proves an important point: By telling its story in a way that reaches beyond the typical comic fan/superhero movie universe, WandaVision pulls in even those who tend to turn their noses up at capes and cowls and supervillains, while also becoming a TV-sized embodiment of all the best storytelling devices from decades of comic books. &lt;br /&gt; Talk about revenge of the nerds. '''WandaVision's success proves that high quality superhero storytelling is just great storytelling. Period.'''… ''WandaVision'' has redefined what a small screen superhero series can be in an important and pioneering way. &lt;br /&gt; And this particular comic book nerd can't wait to see how Marvel's other Disney+ series — and the rest of the TV universe — builds on the ground they've broken.
** Eric Deggans, in [https://www.npr.org/2021/03/05/974102504/wandavision-proves-great-superhero-stories-are-just-great-stories-period &quot;''WandaVision'' Proves Great Superhero Stories Are Just Great Stories, Period.&quot;, ''NPR'' (5 March 2021)]

* '''It's unlikely that this show, with this focus, could ever have been successful without [[Elizabeth Olsen]]'s indelible central performance. Asked to be a sitcom wife, a sitcom mom, a superhero, a witch, a legend, and a woman whose grief was so overwhelming that she broke the whole world, she never wavered.''' That's what allows her to carry off those cute, quotable Marvel lines without tearing the audience completely away from the story. (Lines like &quot;Boys, handle the military. Mommy will be right back.&quot;) &lt;br /&gt; The very last scene in the finale illustrated what the show wrestled with for nine episodes: that there are two Wandas. There is the mythical, legendary, super-real Witchy Wanda, floating and glowing. There is also the deeply human, traumatized, lonely Sweatpants Wanda, drinking tea and trying to figure out what happens next now that she's alone again. Even if you don't much care about the former, Olsen's work kept the latter visible and unforgettable throughout. 
** Linda Holmes, in [https://www.npr.org/2021/03/05/973989043/wandavision-wraps-a-season-that-was-never-what-it-seemed &quot;''WandaVision'' Wraps A Season That Was Never What It Seemed&quot;, ''NPR'' (5 March 2021)]

== Cast ==
* [[Elizabeth Olsen]] - [[w:Wanda Maximoff (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Wanda Maximoff / Scarlet Witch]]
* [[Paul Bettany]] - [[w:Vision (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Vision]]
* [[w:Debra Jo Rupp|Debra Jo Rupp]] - Sharon Davis
* [[w:Fred Melamed|Fred Melamed]] - Todd Davis
* [[w:Kathryn Hahn|Kathryn Hahn]] - [[w:Agatha Harkness (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Agatha Harkness]]
* [[w:Teyonah Parris|Teyonah Parris]] - [[w:Monica Rambeau (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Monica Rambeau]]
* [[Randall Park]] - [[w:Jimmy Woo (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Jimmy Woo]]
* [[w:Kat Dennings|Kat Dennings]] - [[w:Darcy Lewis|Darcy Lewis]]
* [[w:Evan Peters|Evan Peters]] - [[w:Ralph Bohner|Ralph Bohner]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* [https://www.marvel.com/tv-shows/wandavision/1 Official website at Marvel Studios]
* [https://www.imdb.com/title/tt9140560/ ''Wandavision'' at IMDb]
* [https://www.disneyplus.com/series/wp/4SrN28ZjDLwH ''Wandavision'' at ''Disney+'']
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sj9J2ecsSpo Official Trailer (20 September 2020)]
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UBhlqe2OTt4 Official Trailer 2 (10 December 2020)] 
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ch0wMWnXjeA Mid-Season Trailer (1 February 2021)]
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RpzqDoEHS08 &quot;Story Featurette | Marvel Studios' WandaVision | Disney+&quot; (15 January 2021)]
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tHHFspVWuUk &quot;What To Know About WandaVision Before It Starts&quot;, ''Looper'' (15 December 2020)]
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J-pDkG0MoRY Costumes Featurette (19 January 2021)]
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZAk32wCK18g &quot;We’ve All Been There&quot; ''WandaVision'' clip (18 February 2021)]

[[Category:2020s American comedy-drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American science fiction TV shows]]
[[Category:Disney+ shows]]
[[Category:Marvel Cinematic Universe]]
[[Category:Works about women]]</text>
      <sha1>hsfnag45s5i99qlmnamibtx86ofvf49</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Colin Dexter</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-26T15:52:16Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>BVBurton</username>
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      <comment>/* Quotes */  added Dead of Jericho quote</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="2169" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Colin Dexter|Norman Colin Dexter]]''' (29 September 1930 – 21 March 2017) was an English crime writer known for his ''[[w:Inspector Morse|Inspector Morse]]'' series of novels, which were written between 1975 and 1999 and adapted as an [[w:ITV (TV network)|ITV]] television series, ''[[Inspector Morse (TV series)|Inspector Morse]]'', from 1987 to 2000. His characters have spawned a sequel series, ''[[w:Lewis (TV series)|Lewis]]'', and a prequel series, ''[[w:Endeavour (TV series)|Endeavour]]''.

== Quotes ==
=== ''[[w:Last Bus to Woodstock|Last Bus to Woodstock]]'' (1975) ===
*&amp;lsquo;Me and the wife always eat 'em (fish and chips) off the paper  - seems to taste better somehow.&amp;rsquo;&lt;br&gt;&amp;lsquo;They say it's the newsprint sticking to the chips ... By Jove, your wife's right, Lewis. I'll never eat them off a plate again.&amp;rsquo;
** Ch. 12

*&amp;lsquo;It seems you like your [[coffee]] half and half, sarge ... half in the cup and half in the saucer.&amp;rsquo;
** Ch. 15

*He passed the blonde just as she turned her head, and he blinked hard. What a world we live in! for the lovely blonde had a lovely beard and side-whiskers down to his chin. Interesting thought ...
** Ch. 16
*He hated [[suicide]]s. ... Was suicide just the coward's refuge from some black despair? Or was it in its way an act of courage that revealed a perverted sort of valour? Not that, though. So many other lives were intertwined: &lt;b&gt;no burdens were shed  &amp;mdash; they were merely passed from the shoulders of one to those of another.&lt;/b&gt;
** Ch. 25
*&amp;lsquo;He's promised to see a psychiatrist &amp;mdash; but I'm not very optimistic about that. I only ever knew one psychiatrist. Funny chap. If ever a man was in need of [[psychiatry|psychiatric]] treatment it was him.&amp;rsquo;
**Ch. 30

=== ''[[w:The Dead of Jericho|The Dead of Jericho]]'' (1981) ===
*...he'd come round to the view that [[Freud]] would have been a far more valuable citizen if he'd stuck to his research on local anaesthetics.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Dexter, Colin}}
[[Category:Detective fiction authors]]
[[Category:Novelists from England]]
[[Category:1930 births]]
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    <title>Lake Como</title>
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      <text bytes="12713" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Poster Lake Como Luxury, 1930.png|thumb|Lierna Lake Como, 1930]]
[[File:Angela Londonio, Castello del Lago di Como, olio su tela, cm 59X44, 1927.png|thumb|Castle of Lierna Lake Como]]
[[File:Lago visto dal sentiero del viandante - panoramio.jpg|thumb|View of Lake Como over Bellagio, from Lierna Lake Como]]
[[File:Poster Lake Como, 1900.png|thumb|Lake Como, 1900]]

[[w:Lake Como|'''Lake Como''']] is a [[w:glacial lake|lake of glacial origin]] in [[w:Lombardy|Lombardy]], [[Italy]]. It has an area of 146 square kilometres (56 sq mi), making it the third-largest lake in Italy, after [[w:Lake Garda|Lake Garda]] and [[w:Lake Maggiore|Lake Maggiore]]. At over 400 metres (1,300 ft) deep, it is the fifth deepest lake in Europe, and the deepest outside Norway; the bottom of the lake is more than 200 metres (660 ft) below sea level.

{{Geography-stub}}
==Quotes==
* And dimly seen, a tangled mass. Of Walls and woods of light and shade. Stands beckoning up the Stelvio pass [[Varenna Lake Como|Varenna]], with its white cascade. I ask myself is this a dream? Will it all vanish into air? Is there a land of such supreme. And perfect beauty anywhere! Sweet vision! Do not fade away; Linger until my heart shall take- Into itself the Summer day And all the beauty of the lake.
**[[w:Henry Wadsworth Longfellow|Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]] editor, [https://it.wikisource.org/wiki/Pagina:Vittorio_Adami,_Varenna_e_Monte_di_Varenna_(1927).djvu/393], ''[[w:Poems of places|Poems of places]], Cadenabbia'' (1872)
* Coming back here often (on Lake Como) is like a drop of poison; it makes you want to never leave. ([[Stendhal]])
** [https://amp.ilgiornale.it/news/c-hollywood-sul-lago-como.html Il Giornale, Giorgia Gandola, 7 march 2008]
*In the past, the rich bought houses and villas only on the hills of Lake Como, as Pliny did with [[Villa Commedia]], in order not to lose their sight and to avoid flooding. &quot;The poor went to the shore to have the water lick their feet&quot;.
** In passato i ricchi compravano le case e le ville solo sulle colline del Lago di Como, come fece Plinio con villa Commedia, per non perdersi la vista e per non avere allagamenti. &quot;In riva a farsi lambire i piedi dall'acqua ci andavano i poveri&quot;.
*** [https://amp.ilgiornale.it/news/c-hollywood-sul-lago-como.html Il Giornale, Giorgia Gandola, 7 march 2008]
* Everything is noble and delicate (on Lake Como), everything speaks of love, nothing recalls the ugliness of civilization. The villages located halfway up the coast are hidden by trees, and above the tops of the trees rises the graceful architecture of their slender bell towers. If some small field, fifty paces wide, occasionally interrupts the &quot;bouquets&quot; of chestnut and wild cherry trees, the satisfied eye sees plants growing happier and more vigorous than elsewhere. Beyond these hills, whose peaks offer hermitages that we would all like to inhabit, the amazed eye discovers the peaks of the Alps, always covered with snow, and their sublime austerity reminds him of the misfortunes of life, and this increases the voluptuousness. of the present hour. The imagination is moved by the distant sound of the bell of some tiny village hidden under the trees; and the sounds carried on the waters, which soften them, take on a color of sweet melancholy and resignation, and seem to say to man: Life is fleeing, so do not show yourself so reluctant towards the happiness that presents itself, hurry to enjoy. The language of these enchanting places, which have no equal in the world, restored her sixteen-year-old heart to the Countess. 
** [[w:Stendhal|Stendhal]], La Chartreuse de Parme, 1839
* I want to go back to Lake Como !! 
**[[w:Daniel Craig|Daniel Craig]], [https://www.dagospia.com/rubrica-2/media_e_tv/quot-io-te-ci-siamo-presi-pugni-finora-stiamo-qua-coccolare-291244.htm], ''He cryed like a monkey: &quot;I want to return to Lake Como&quot;'', Dagospia, 30 november 2021
* It is [[Lierna]] that ennobles the whole of Lake Como. ([[Sigismondo Boldoni]])
** Cited in Maurizio Monti, ''Storia antica di Como'', vol. 1, Società tipografica de' classici italiani, 1860, [https://books.google.it/books?id=4mo5AAAAcAAJ&amp;pg=PA145 p. 145].
* I was convinced that Lake Como was a large basin of water similar to the Tahoe, also surrounded by immense mountains whose slopes reach the shores, but here the lake is not a basin, since the banks are articulated like those of a stream and is a quarter or two thirds wide of the Mississippi. Along the coast there is not a single strip of flat land, but endless chains of mountains which suddenly emerge from the lake surface and rise towards the sky for one hundred or two hundred feet, constantly varying in shape. The rocky ridges are covered with numerous plant species and dotted with white villas that peek through lush foliage. Even on the top of the promontory we saw pretty little houses perched on picturesque pinnacles, more than a thousand feet above our heads.
** [[w:Mark Twain|Mark Twain]], &quot;The innocents abroad&quot;, New York, 1896
* In the past, on Lake Como, the rich only bought villas on the hills or high rocks of Lake Como, as Pliny did with Villa Commedia, in order not to lose sight and not to have flooding. The poor go to the shore to let the water lick your feet.
** [[w:Giorgio Gandola|Giorgio Gandola]], &quot;Lake Como&quot;, Il Giornale, 7 March 2008
* Lake Como? One of my favorite places.
** [[w:Lady Gaga|Lady Gaga]], Cited in Grassi Giovanna, ''[https://www.laprovinciadilecco.it/stories/premium/Cronaca/lady-gaga-il-lago-di-como-uno-dei-miei-posti-preferito_1432704_11/ Lady Gaga: «Il lago di Como? Uno dei miei posti preferiti»]'', ''La Provincia di Lecco'', 7 june 2022.
* [[Lierna]] Lake Como It's like [[Monte Carlo]]! ([[George Clooney]])
** Cited in ''[http://www.tgcom24.mediaset.it/people/articoli/articolo314696.shtml Clooney cerca casa nel lecchese]'', ''Tgcom24.Mediaset.it'', 17 june 2006.
*The secret of happiness? I understood this by buying a house on Lake Como. At first I was thinking of an investment. Then, when I saw the workers who worked there, singing and drinking good wine, I realized they were better off than me. For 25 years I have eaten standing up and running. They took the time of their lunch break and went home thinking about dinner. ([[George Clooney]])
** From the interview given to ''Oggi'', reported in ''[https://www.ilgiorno.it/cronaca/george-clooney-1.3520110 George Clooney, il segreto della felicità? &quot;L'ho capito comprando casa sul lago di Como]'', ''ilgiorno.it'', 8 november 2017
* [[Lierna]] Lake Como favorite land ([[Pliny the Younger]])
** From [https://books.google.it/books?id=XKUXXGuQoxEC&amp;q=Plinio+Lierna&amp;dq=Plinio+Lierna&amp;hl=it&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwib3uW9qMDTAhUlLcAKHZxuBIkQ6AEILzAC]'', Bollettino della Società geologica italiana, Volume 30, Società geologica italiana, 1911
* [[Lierna]] Lake Como which makes everything noble. ([[Sigismondo Boldoni]])
** Maurizio Monti, ''Storia antica di Como'', vol. 1, Società tipografica de' classici italiani, 1860, [https://books.google.it/books?id=4mo5AAAAcAAJ&amp;pg=PA145 p. 145]
* That there is a God, when you look at the sky of Lake Como, is evident. ([[Robin Williams]])
** Cited in Sara Bovi, ''[http://viaggi.corriere.it/viaggi/weekend/cinema-lago-como/?refresh_ce-cp Sul Lago di Como, come in un film]'', ''Viaggi.Corriere.it'', 5 december 2013.
* The other night the view appeared even more surprising and picturesque. On the other side (of Lake Como) cliffs, trees and very white houses reflected their perfectly clear images on the lake and long beams of light, coming from distant windows, marked the motionless surface. Immediately next to it, great silver mansions under the moon shone among a thick dark and shapeless foliage, among the shadows that fell from the top of the cliffs and touched the lake edge where every stretch of the magical vision was reflected several times and with precision. 
** [[w:Mark Twain|Mark Twain]], Cites in ''The innocents abroad'', John Camden Hotten, Londra, 1872
:[...] at eventide when everything seems to slumber , and the music of the vesper bells comes stealing over the water, one almost believes that nowhere else than on the Lake of Como can there be found such a paradise of tranquil repose.&lt;br&gt;From my window here in {{sic|Bellagio}} I have a view of the other side of the lake now, which is as beautiful as a picture. A scarred and wrinkled precipice rise to a height of eighteen hundred feets; on a tiny bench half way up its vast wall, sits a little snow-flake of a church, no bigger than a martin-box apparently; skirting the base of the cliff are a hundred orange groves and gardens, flecked with glimpses of white dwelling that are buried in them; in front three or four gondolas lie idle upon the water – and in the burnished mirror of the lake, mountain, chapel, houses, groves, and boats are counterfeited so brightly and so clearly, that one scarce knows where the reality leaves off and the reflection begins!.
**[[w:Mark Twain|Mark Twain]], Cites in ''The innocents abroad'', John Camden Hotten, Londra, 1872, [https://books.google.it/books?id=EQsCAAAAQAAJ&amp;dq=&amp;pg=PA149#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false p. 149]
*Lake Como [...] is not like [[Lake Geneva]] surrounded by large fields well delimited and cultivated with the best systems, which suggest money and speculation. Here, wherever I turn, I see hills of unequal altitudes clothed with trees planted at will that the hand of man has not yet damaged and forced to bear fruit. Among these hills with admirable lines that plummet towards the lake for so singular steep slopes [...]. Everything here nobly, exquisitely speaks of love, there is nothing that reminds you of the ugliness of civilization. Halfway up the hill, hidden by large trees, the hamlets nestle and beyond the tree tops the architectural vagueness of their bell towers rises. If some small field intrudes here and there in the groups of chestnut and cherry trees, the plants seem happily to grow more vigorous than elsewhere and the gaze rests happy. And beyond the hills, whose summits offer hermitages that everyone would gladly inhabit, the astonished eye catches sight of the perpetual snow white of the peaks of the Alps which in their solemn austerity remind him just as much of the adversities of life, as much as it is enough to value the present well-being. The sound of the bell of a distant village lost in the woods stimulates the imagination: the notes flow on the water, fading in a tone of resigned melancholy and seem to say to man: life is fleeing, do not resist the happiness that comes towards you [...] hurry to enjoy it.
**[[Stendhal]], ''La Chartreuse de Parme'', 1839
* The house in Italy (on Lake Como) has changed me. I spend the summer there normally, not the latter. I was always running, I learned to slow down. Observing them after a day of work, sitting at the table, a good wine, chat, friends, they are people who enjoy life, know how to celebrate it. ([[George Clooney]])
** Cited in Grassi Giovanna, ''[https://www.corriere.it/spettacoli/20_ottobre_07/george-clooney-grazie-italiani-ho-imparato-godermi-vita-8cdd980c-08c4-11eb-ab0e-c425b38361b4.shtml «George Clooney: Grazie agli italiani, ho imparato a godermi la vita»»]'', ''Corriere della Sera'', 7 october 2020. 
** [[w:Mark Twain|Mark Twain]], &quot;The innocents abroad&quot;, New York, 1896
* When you write the story of two happy lovers, place them on the shores of Lake Como. I do not know a district more manifestly blessed by heaven; I've never seen another where the charms of a life of love would seem more natural [...] and start it with these words: &quot;On the shores of Lake Como.&quot;
** ''[[w:Frank Liszt|Frank Liszt]], From the letter to Louis de Ronchaud dated 20 September 1837
* You, Lario (Lake Como) very great. ([[Virgil]])
** Te, Lario, più grande di tutti
*** [[Virgil]], Poem Georgiche II, 136-176, [https://online.scuola.zanichelli.it/perutelliletteratura/files/2010/04/traduzioni_virgilio_t8.pdf v. 155, 1st century BC]
* Who that looks on these tawny hills | Cradling calm day new-born, | Who that sips mead from Como’s stills | This fragrant, sun-bathed morn, |
Will, bating reverende, record | Fair Como’s wrathful, ways, | And wont only ungrateful, hoard | The tale of her «bade days’?» | To day her ripples play bo-peep, | And dimple at the rocks | Lack in melodious mimicry | A sounding billow mocks.
**[[w:Jean Carlyle Graham|Jean Carlyle Graham] poet, [https://it.wikisource.org/wiki/Pagina:Vittorio_Adami,_Varenna_e_Monte_di_Varenna_(1927).djvu/393], ''Varenna''  To Italy. Odes et episodes 1927. Stab. di arti Grafiche Lazzeri. Siena.

==External links==
*{{Wikipedia-inline}}
[[Category:Lakes]]
[[Category:Italy]]</text>
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      <text bytes="12714" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Poster Lake Como Luxury, 1930.png|thumb|Lierna Lake Como, 1930]]
[[File:Angela Londonio, Castello del Lago di Como, olio su tela, cm 59X44, 1927.png|thumb|Castle of Lierna Lake Como]]
[[File:Lago visto dal sentiero del viandante - panoramio.jpg|thumb|View of Lake Como over Bellagio, from Lierna Lake Como]]
[[File:Poster Lake Como, 1900.png|thumb|Lake Como, 1900]]

[[w:Lake Como|'''Lake Como''']] is a [[w:glacial lake|lake of glacial origin]] in [[w:Lombardy|Lombardy]], [[Italy]]. It has an area of 146 square kilometres (56 sq mi), making it the third-largest lake in Italy, after [[w:Lake Garda|Lake Garda]] and [[w:Lake Maggiore|Lake Maggiore]]. At over 400 metres (1,300 ft) deep, it is the fifth deepest lake in Europe, and the deepest outside Norway; the bottom of the lake is more than 200 metres (660 ft) below sea level.

{{Geography-stub}}
==Quotes==
* And dimly seen, a tangled mass. Of Walls and woods of light and shade. Stands beckoning up the Stelvio pass [[Varenna Lake Como|Varenna]], with its white cascade. I ask myself is this a dream? Will it all vanish into air? Is there a land of such supreme. And perfect beauty anywhere! Sweet vision! Do not fade away; Linger until my heart shall take- Into itself the Summer day And all the beauty of the lake.
**[[w:Henry Wadsworth Longfellow|Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]] editor, [https://it.wikisource.org/wiki/Pagina:Vittorio_Adami,_Varenna_e_Monte_di_Varenna_(1927).djvu/393], ''[[w:Poems of places|Poems of places]], Cadenabbia'' (1872)
* Coming back here often (on Lake Como) is like a drop of poison; it makes you want to never leave. ([[Stendhal]])
** [https://amp.ilgiornale.it/news/c-hollywood-sul-lago-como.html Il Giornale, Giorgia Gandola, 7 march 2008]
*In the past, the rich bought houses and villas only on the hills of Lake Como, as Pliny did with [[Villa Commedia]], in order not to lose their sight and to avoid flooding. &quot;The poor went to the shore to have the water lick their feet&quot;.
** In passato i ricchi compravano le case e le ville solo sulle colline del Lago di Como, come fece Plinio con villa Commedia, per non perdersi la vista e per non avere allagamenti. &quot;In riva a farsi lambire i piedi dall'acqua ci andavano i poveri&quot;.
*** [https://amp.ilgiornale.it/news/c-hollywood-sul-lago-como.html Il Giornale, Giorgia Gandola, 7 march 2008]
* Everything is noble and delicate (on Lake Como), everything speaks of love, nothing recalls the ugliness of civilization. The villages located halfway up the coast are hidden by trees, and above the tops of the trees rises the graceful architecture of their slender bell towers. If some small field, fifty paces wide, occasionally interrupts the &quot;bouquets&quot; of chestnut and wild cherry trees, the satisfied eye sees plants growing happier and more vigorous than elsewhere. Beyond these hills, whose peaks offer hermitages that we would all like to inhabit, the amazed eye discovers the peaks of the Alps, always covered with snow, and their sublime austerity reminds him of the misfortunes of life, and this increases the voluptuousness. of the present hour. The imagination is moved by the distant sound of the bell of some tiny village hidden under the trees; and the sounds carried on the waters, which soften them, take on a color of sweet melancholy and resignation, and seem to say to man: Life is fleeing, so do not show yourself so reluctant towards the happiness that presents itself, hurry to enjoy. The language of these enchanting places, which have no equal in the world, restored her sixteen-year-old heart to the Countess. 
** [[w:Stendhal|Stendhal]], La Chartreuse de Parme, 1839
* I want to go back to Lake Como !! 
**[[w:Daniel Craig|Daniel Craig]], [https://www.dagospia.com/rubrica-2/media_e_tv/quot-io-te-ci-siamo-presi-pugni-finora-stiamo-qua-coccolare-291244.htm], ''He cryed like a monkey: &quot;I want to return to Lake Como&quot;'', Dagospia, 30 november 2021
* It is [[Lierna]] that ennobles the whole of Lake Como. ([[Sigismondo Boldoni]])
** Cited in Maurizio Monti, ''Storia antica di Como'', vol. 1, Società tipografica de' classici italiani, 1860, [https://books.google.it/books?id=4mo5AAAAcAAJ&amp;pg=PA145 p. 145].
* I was convinced that Lake Como was a large basin of water similar to the Tahoe, also surrounded by immense mountains whose slopes reach the shores, but here the lake is not a basin, since the banks are articulated like those of a stream and is a quarter or two thirds wide of the Mississippi. Along the coast there is not a single strip of flat land, but endless chains of mountains which suddenly emerge from the lake surface and rise towards the sky for one hundred or two hundred feet, constantly varying in shape. The rocky ridges are covered with numerous plant species and dotted with white villas that peek through lush foliage. Even on the top of the promontory we saw pretty little houses perched on picturesque pinnacles, more than a thousand feet above our heads.
** [[w:Mark Twain|Mark Twain]], &quot;The innocents abroad&quot;, New York, 1896
* In the past, on Lake Como, the rich only bought villas on the hills or high rocks of Lake Como, as Pliny did with Villa Commedia, in order not to lose sight and not to have flooding. The poor go to the shore to let the water lick your feet.
** [[w:Giorgio Gandola|Giorgio Gandola]], &quot;Lake Como&quot;, Il Giornale, 7 March 2008
* Lake Como? One of my favorite places.
** [[w:Lady Gaga|Lady Gaga]], Cited in Grassi Giovanna, ''[https://www.laprovinciadilecco.it/stories/premium/Cronaca/lady-gaga-il-lago-di-como-uno-dei-miei-posti-preferito_1432704_11/ Lady Gaga: «Il lago di Como? Uno dei miei posti preferiti»]'', ''La Provincia di Lecco'', 7 june 2022.
* [[Lierna]] Lake Como It's like [[Monte Carlo]]! ([[George Clooney]])
** Cited in ''[http://www.tgcom24.mediaset.it/people/articoli/articolo314696.shtml Clooney cerca casa nel lecchese]'', ''Tgcom24.Mediaset.it'', 17 june 2006.
*The secret of happiness? I understood this by buying a house on Lake Como. At first I was thinking of an investment. Then, when I saw the workers who worked there, singing and drinking good wine, I realized they were better off than me. For 25 years I have eaten standing up and running. They took the time of their lunch break and went home thinking about dinner. ([[George Clooney]])
** From the interview given to ''Oggi'', reported in ''[https://www.ilgiorno.it/cronaca/george-clooney-1.3520110 George Clooney, il segreto della felicità? &quot;L'ho capito comprando casa sul lago di Como]'', ''ilgiorno.it'', 8 november 2017
* [[Lierna]] Lake Como favorite land ([[Pliny the Younger]])
** From [https://books.google.it/books?id=XKUXXGuQoxEC&amp;q=Plinio+Lierna&amp;dq=Plinio+Lierna&amp;hl=it&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwib3uW9qMDTAhUlLcAKHZxuBIkQ6AEILzAC]'', Bollettino della Società geologica italiana, Volume 30, Società geologica italiana, 1911
* [[Lierna]] Lake Como which makes everything noble. ([[Sigismondo Boldoni]])
** Maurizio Monti, ''Storia antica di Como'', vol. 1, Società tipografica de' classici italiani, 1860, [https://books.google.it/books?id=4mo5AAAAcAAJ&amp;pg=PA145 p. 145]
* That there is a God, when you look at the sky of Lake Como, is evident. ([[Robin Williams]])
** Cited in Sara Bovi, ''[http://viaggi.corriere.it/viaggi/weekend/cinema-lago-como/?refresh_ce-cp Sul Lago di Como, come in un film]'', ''Viaggi.Corriere.it'', 5 december 2013.
* The other night the view appeared even more surprising and picturesque. On the other side (of Lake Como) cliffs, trees and very white houses reflected their perfectly clear images on the lake and long beams of light, coming from distant windows, marked the motionless surface. Immediately next to it, great silver mansions under the moon shone among a thick dark and shapeless foliage, among the shadows that fell from the top of the cliffs and touched the lake edge where every stretch of the magical vision was reflected several times and with precision. 
** [[w:Mark Twain|Mark Twain]], Cites in ''The innocents abroad'', John Camden Hotten, Londra, 1872
:[...] at eventide when everything seems to slumber , and the music of the vesper bells comes stealing over the water, one almost believes that nowhere else than on the Lake of Como can there be found such a paradise of tranquil repose.&lt;br&gt;From my window here in {{sic|Bellagio}} I have a view of the other side of the lake now, which is as beautiful as a picture. A scarred and wrinkled precipice rise to a height of eighteen hundred feets; on a tiny bench half way up its vast wall, sits a little snow-flake of a church, no bigger than a martin-box apparently; skirting the base of the cliff are a hundred orange groves and gardens, flecked with glimpses of white dwelling that are buried in them; in front three or four gondolas lie idle upon the water – and in the burnished mirror of the lake, mountain, chapel, houses, groves, and boats are counterfeited so brightly and so clearly, that one scarce knows where the reality leaves off and the reflection begins!.
**[[w:Mark Twain|Mark Twain]], Cites in ''The innocents abroad'', John Camden Hotten, Londra, 1872, [https://books.google.it/books?id=EQsCAAAAQAAJ&amp;dq=&amp;pg=PA149#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false p. 149]
*Lake Como [...] is not like [[Lake Geneva]] surrounded by large fields well delimited and cultivated with the best systems, which suggest money and speculation. Here, wherever I turn, I see hills of unequal altitudes clothed with trees planted at will that the hand of man has not yet damaged and forced to bear fruit. Among these hills with admirable lines that plummet towards the lake for so singular steep slopes [...]. Everything here nobly, exquisitely speaks of love, there is nothing that reminds you of the ugliness of civilization. Halfway up the hill, hidden by large trees, the hamlets nestle and beyond the tree tops the architectural vagueness of their bell towers rises. If some small field intrudes here and there in the groups of chestnut and cherry trees, the plants seem happily to grow more vigorous than elsewhere and the gaze rests happy. And beyond the hills, whose summits offer hermitages that everyone would gladly inhabit, the astonished eye catches sight of the perpetual snow white of the peaks of the Alps which in their solemn austerity remind him just as much of the adversities of life, as much as it is enough to value the present well-being. The sound of the bell of a distant village lost in the woods stimulates the imagination: the notes flow on the water, fading in a tone of resigned melancholy and seem to say to man: life is fleeing, do not resist the happiness that comes towards you [...] hurry to enjoy it.
**[[Stendhal]], ''La Chartreuse de Parme'', 1839
* The house in Italy (on Lake Como) has changed me. I spend the summer there normally, not the latter. I was always running, I learned to slow down. Observing them after a day of work, sitting at the table, a good wine, chat, friends, they are people who enjoy life, know how to celebrate it. ([[George Clooney]])
** Cited in Grassi Giovanna, ''[https://www.corriere.it/spettacoli/20_ottobre_07/george-clooney-grazie-italiani-ho-imparato-godermi-vita-8cdd980c-08c4-11eb-ab0e-c425b38361b4.shtml «George Clooney: Grazie agli italiani, ho imparato a godermi la vita»»]'', ''Corriere della Sera'', 7 october 2020. 
** [[w:Mark Twain|Mark Twain]], &quot;The innocents abroad&quot;, New York, 1896
* When you write the story of two happy lovers, place them on the shores of Lake Como. I do not know a district more manifestly blessed by heaven; I've never seen another where the charms of a life of love would seem more natural [...] and start it with these words: &quot;On the shores of Lake Como.&quot;
** ''[[w:Frank Liszt|Frank Liszt]], From the letter to Louis de Ronchaud dated 20 September 1837
* You, Lario (Lake Como) very great. ([[Virgil]])
** Te, Lario, più grande di tutti
*** [[Virgil]], Poem Georgiche II, 136-176, [https://online.scuola.zanichelli.it/perutelliletteratura/files/2010/04/traduzioni_virgilio_t8.pdf v. 155, 1st century BC]
* Who that looks on these tawny hills | Cradling calm day new-born, | Who that sips mead from Como’s stills | This fragrant, sun-bathed morn, |
Will, bating reverende, record | Fair Como’s wrathful, ways, | And wont only ungrateful, hoard | The tale of her «bade days’?» | To day her ripples play bo-peep, | And dimple at the rocks | Lack in melodious mimicry | A sounding billow mocks.
**[[w:Jean Carlyle Graham|Jean Carlyle Graham]] poet, [https://it.wikisource.org/wiki/Pagina:Vittorio_Adami,_Varenna_e_Monte_di_Varenna_(1927).djvu/393], ''Varenna''  To Italy. Odes et episodes 1927. Stab. di arti Grafiche Lazzeri. Siena.

==External links==
*{{Wikipedia-inline}}
[[Category:Lakes]]
[[Category:Italy]]</text>
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      <text bytes="12712" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Poster Lake Como Luxury, 1930.png|thumb|Lierna Lake Como, 1930]]
[[File:Angela Londonio, Castello del Lago di Como, olio su tela, cm 59X44, 1927.png|thumb|Castle of Lierna Lake Como]]
[[File:Lago visto dal sentiero del viandante - panoramio.jpg|thumb|View of Lake Como over Bellagio, from Lierna Lake Como]]
[[File:Poster Lake Como, 1900.png|thumb|Lake Como, 1900]]

[[w:Lake Como|'''Lake Como''']] is a [[w:glacial lake|lake of glacial origin]] in [[w:Lombardy|Lombardy]], [[Italy]]. It has an area of 146 square kilometres (56 sq mi), making it the third-largest lake in Italy, after [[w:Lake Garda|Lake Garda]] and [[w:Lake Maggiore|Lake Maggiore]]. At over 400 metres (1,300 ft) deep, it is the fifth deepest lake in Europe, and the deepest outside Norway; the bottom of the lake is more than 200 metres (660 ft) below sea level.

{{Geography-stub}}
==Quotes==
* And dimly seen, a tangled mass. Of Walls and woods of light and shade. Stands beckoning up the Stelvio pass [[Varenna Lake Como|Varenna]], with its white cascade. I ask myself is this a dream? Will it all vanish into air? Is there a land of such supreme. And perfect beauty anywhere! Sweet vision! Do not fade away; Linger until my heart shall take- Into itself the Summer day And all the beauty of the lake.
**[[w:Henry Wadsworth Longfellow|Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]] editor, [https://it.wikisource.org/wiki/Pagina:Vittorio_Adami,_Varenna_e_Monte_di_Varenna_(1927).djvu/393], ''[[w:Poems of places|Poems of places]], Cadenabbia'' (1872)
* Coming back here often (on Lake Como) is like a drop of poison; it makes you want to never leave. ([[Stendhal]])
** [https://amp.ilgiornale.it/news/c-hollywood-sul-lago-como.html Il Giornale, Giorgia Gandola, 7 march 2008]
*In the past, the rich bought houses and villas only on the hills of Lake Como, as Pliny did with [[Villa Commedia]], in order not to lose their sight and to avoid flooding. &quot;The poor went to the shore to have the water lick their feet&quot;.
** In passato i ricchi compravano le case e le ville solo sulle colline del Lago di Como, come fece Plinio con villa Commedia, per non perdersi la vista e per non avere allagamenti. &quot;In riva a farsi lambire i piedi dall'acqua ci andavano i poveri&quot;.
*** [https://amp.ilgiornale.it/news/c-hollywood-sul-lago-como.html Il Giornale, Giorgia Gandola, 7 march 2008]
* Everything is noble and delicate (on Lake Como), everything speaks of love, nothing recalls the ugliness of civilization. The villages located halfway up the coast are hidden by trees, and above the tops of the trees rises the graceful architecture of their slender bell towers. If some small field, fifty paces wide, occasionally interrupts the &quot;bouquets&quot; of chestnut and wild cherry trees, the satisfied eye sees plants growing happier and more vigorous than elsewhere. Beyond these hills, whose peaks offer hermitages that we would all like to inhabit, the amazed eye discovers the peaks of the Alps, always covered with snow, and their sublime austerity reminds him of the misfortunes of life, and this increases the voluptuousness. of the present hour. The imagination is moved by the distant sound of the bell of some tiny village hidden under the trees; and the sounds carried on the waters, which soften them, take on a color of sweet melancholy and resignation, and seem to say to man: Life is fleeing, so do not show yourself so reluctant towards the happiness that presents itself, hurry to enjoy. The language of these enchanting places, which have no equal in the world, restored her sixteen-year-old heart to the Countess. 
** [[w:Stendhal|Stendhal]], La Chartreuse de Parme, 1839
* I want to go back to Lake Como !! 
**[[w:Daniel Craig|Daniel Craig]], [https://www.dagospia.com/rubrica-2/media_e_tv/quot-io-te-ci-siamo-presi-pugni-finora-stiamo-qua-coccolare-291244.htm], ''He cryed like a monkey: &quot;I want to return to Lake Como&quot;'', Dagospia, 30 november 2021
* It is [[Lierna]] that ennobles the whole of Lake Como. ([[Sigismondo Boldoni]])
** Cited in Maurizio Monti, ''Storia antica di Como'', vol. 1, Società tipografica de' classici italiani, 1860, [https://books.google.it/books?id=4mo5AAAAcAAJ&amp;pg=PA145 p. 145].
* I was convinced that Lake Como was a large basin of water similar to the Tahoe, also surrounded by immense mountains whose slopes reach the shores, but here the lake is not a basin, since the banks are articulated like those of a stream and is a quarter or two thirds wide of the Mississippi. Along the coast there is not a single strip of flat land, but endless chains of mountains which suddenly emerge from the lake surface and rise towards the sky for one hundred or two hundred feet, constantly varying in shape. The rocky ridges are covered with numerous plant species and dotted with white villas that peek through lush foliage. Even on the top of the promontory we saw pretty little houses perched on picturesque pinnacles, more than a thousand feet above our heads.
** [[w:Mark Twain|Mark Twain]], &quot;The innocents abroad&quot;, New York, 1896
* In the past, on Lake Como, the rich only bought villas on the hills or high rocks of Lake Como, as Pliny did with Villa Commedia, in order not to lose sight and not to have flooding. The poor go to the shore to let the water lick your feet.
** [[w:Giorgio Gandola|Giorgio Gandola]], &quot;Lake Como&quot;, Il Giornale, 7 March 2008
* Lake Como? One of my favorite places.
** [[w:Lady Gaga|Lady Gaga]], Cited in Grassi Giovanna, ''[https://www.laprovinciadilecco.it/stories/premium/Cronaca/lady-gaga-il-lago-di-como-uno-dei-miei-posti-preferito_1432704_11/ Lady Gaga: «Il lago di Como? Uno dei miei posti preferiti»]'', ''La Provincia di Lecco'', 7 june 2022.
* [[Lierna]] Lake Como It's like [[Monte Carlo]]! ([[George Clooney]])
** Cited in ''[http://www.tgcom24.mediaset.it/people/articoli/articolo314696.shtml Clooney cerca casa nel lecchese]'', ''Tgcom24.Mediaset.it'', 17 june 2006.
*The secret of happiness? I understood this by buying a house on Lake Como. At first I was thinking of an investment. Then, when I saw the workers who worked there, singing and drinking good wine, I realized they were better off than me. For 25 years I have eaten standing up and running. They took the time of their lunch break and went home thinking about dinner. ([[George Clooney]])
** From the interview given to ''Oggi'', reported in ''[https://www.ilgiorno.it/cronaca/george-clooney-1.3520110 George Clooney, il segreto della felicità? &quot;L'ho capito comprando casa sul lago di Como]'', ''ilgiorno.it'', 8 november 2017
* [[Lierna]] Lake Como favorite land ([[Pliny the Younger]])
** From [https://books.google.it/books?id=XKUXXGuQoxEC&amp;q=Plinio+Lierna&amp;dq=Plinio+Lierna&amp;hl=it&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwib3uW9qMDTAhUlLcAKHZxuBIkQ6AEILzAC]'', Bollettino della Società geologica italiana, Volume 30, Società geologica italiana, 1911
* [[Lierna]] Lake Como which makes everything noble. ([[Sigismondo Boldoni]])
** Maurizio Monti, ''Storia antica di Como'', vol. 1, Società tipografica de' classici italiani, 1860, [https://books.google.it/books?id=4mo5AAAAcAAJ&amp;pg=PA145 p. 145]
* That there is a God, when you look at the sky of Lake Como, is evident. ([[Robin Williams]])
** Cited in Sara Bovi, ''[http://viaggi.corriere.it/viaggi/weekend/cinema-lago-como/?refresh_ce-cp Sul Lago di Como, come in un film]'', ''Viaggi.Corriere.it'', 5 december 2013.
* The other night the view appeared even more surprising and picturesque. On the other side (of Lake Como) cliffs, trees and very white houses reflected their perfectly clear images on the lake and long beams of light, coming from distant windows, marked the motionless surface. Immediately next to it, great silver mansions under the moon shone among a thick dark and shapeless foliage, among the shadows that fell from the top of the cliffs and touched the lake edge where every stretch of the magical vision was reflected several times and with precision. 
** [[w:Mark Twain|Mark Twain]], Cites in ''The innocents abroad'', John Camden Hotten, Londra, 1872
:[...] at eventide when everything seems to slumber , and the music of the vesper bells comes stealing over the water, one almost believes that nowhere else than on the Lake of Como can there be found such a paradise of tranquil repose.&lt;br&gt;From my window here in {{sic|Bellagio}} I have a view of the other side of the lake now, which is as beautiful as a picture. A scarred and wrinkled precipice rise to a height of eighteen hundred feets; on a tiny bench half way up its vast wall, sits a little snow-flake of a church, no bigger than a martin-box apparently; skirting the base of the cliff are a hundred orange groves and gardens, flecked with glimpses of white dwelling that are buried in them; in front three or four gondolas lie idle upon the water – and in the burnished mirror of the lake, mountain, chapel, houses, groves, and boats are counterfeited so brightly and so clearly, that one scarce knows where the reality leaves off and the reflection begins!.
**[[w:Mark Twain|Mark Twain]], Cites in ''The innocents abroad'', John Camden Hotten, Londra, 1872, [https://books.google.it/books?id=EQsCAAAAQAAJ&amp;dq=&amp;pg=PA149#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false p. 149]
*Lake Como [...] is not like [[Lake Geneva]] surrounded by large fields well delimited and cultivated with the best systems, which suggest money and speculation. Here, wherever I turn, I see hills of unequal altitudes clothed with trees planted at will that the hand of man has not yet damaged and forced to bear fruit. Among these hills with admirable lines that plummet towards the lake for so singular steep slopes [...]. Everything here nobly, exquisitely speaks of love, there is nothing that reminds you of the ugliness of civilization. Halfway up the hill, hidden by large trees, the hamlets nestle and beyond the tree tops the architectural vagueness of their bell towers rises. If some small field intrudes here and there in the groups of chestnut and cherry trees, the plants seem happily to grow more vigorous than elsewhere and the gaze rests happy. And beyond the hills, whose summits offer hermitages that everyone would gladly inhabit, the astonished eye catches sight of the perpetual snow white of the peaks of the Alps which in their solemn austerity remind him just as much of the adversities of life, as much as it is enough to value the present well-being. The sound of the bell of a distant village lost in the woods stimulates the imagination: the notes flow on the water, fading in a tone of resigned melancholy and seem to say to man: life is fleeing, do not resist the happiness that comes towards you [...] hurry to enjoy it.
**[[Stendhal]], ''La Chartreuse de Parme'', 1839
* The house in Italy (on Lake Como) has changed me. I spend the summer there normally, not the latter. I was always running, I learned to slow down. Observing them after a day of work, sitting at the table, a good wine, chat, friends, they are people who enjoy life, know how to celebrate it. ([[George Clooney]])
** Cited in Grassi Giovanna, ''[https://www.corriere.it/spettacoli/20_ottobre_07/george-clooney-grazie-italiani-ho-imparato-godermi-vita-8cdd980c-08c4-11eb-ab0e-c425b38361b4.shtml «George Clooney: Grazie agli italiani, ho imparato a godermi la vita»»]'', ''Corriere della Sera'', 7 october 2020. 
** [[w:Mark Twain|Mark Twain]], &quot;The innocents abroad&quot;, New York, 1896
* When you write the story of two happy lovers, place them on the shores of Lake Como. I do not know a district more manifestly blessed by heaven; I've never seen another where the charms of a life of love would seem more natural [...] and start it with these words: &quot;On the shores of Lake Como.&quot;
** ''[[w:Frank Liszt|Frank Liszt]], From the letter to Louis de Ronchaud dated 20 September 1837
* You, Lario (Lake Como) very great. ([[Virgil]])
** Te, Lario, più grande di tutti
*** [[Virgil]], Poem Georgiche II, 136-176, [https://online.scuola.zanichelli.it/perutelliletteratura/files/2010/04/traduzioni_virgilio_t8.pdf v. 155, 1st century BC]
* Who that looks on these tawny hills | Cradling calm day new-born, | Who that sips mead from Como’s stills | This fragrant, sun-bathed morn, Will, bating reverende, record | Fair Como’s wrathful, ways, | And wont only ungrateful, hoard | The tale of her «bade days’?» | To day her ripples play bo-peep, | And dimple at the rocks | Lack in melodious mimicry | A sounding billow mocks.
**[[w:Jean Carlyle Graham|Jean Carlyle Graham]] poet, [https://it.wikisource.org/wiki/Pagina:Vittorio_Adami,_Varenna_e_Monte_di_Varenna_(1927).djvu/393], ''Varenna''  To Italy. Odes et episodes 1927. Stab. di arti Grafiche Lazzeri. Siena.

==External links==
*{{Wikipedia-inline}}
[[Category:Lakes]]
[[Category:Italy]]</text>
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    <title>The Adventures of Caillou</title>
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'''''[[w:The Adventures of Caillou|The Adventures of Caillou]]''''' (2017–2018) is an animated Plotagon series, similar to [[Joseph &amp; Lindsey]], made by TyWan Smith on YouTube. The sitcom follows a 12-year-old boy called Caillou Anderson and his regular life at the Anderson household. Rosie Anderson, Rosie's 9-year-old sister, is often getting into trouble around him and others. The series aired from November 21, 2017 to January 18, 2018. Although the series conclusion was meant to be ''The Kidnap Part 2'', it ended up being ''The Kidnap Part 1'' owing to TyWan Smith uninstalling the app. Caillou was 13 years old and Rosie was 10 years old when the program concluded.
__TOC__
&lt;!-- Replace the above line by __NOTOC__ if you want to create a custom table of contents and the following conditions hold:
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== Season 1 ==
=== Rosie annoys Caillou/punishment day/grounded [1.1] ===
:'''Rosie''': Caillou, wanna hear my puns?
:'''Caillou''': Nope! ''[facepalms]''
:'''Rosie''': What do you call when you kill an eagle? Ill-eagle! Hahahaha! Get it?
:'''Caillou''': You're just going to make some puns just to wore me out, Rosie.
:'''Rosie''': What do you--''[Gets interrupted by Caillou]''
:'''Caillou''': That's it! I'm telling mom on you for getting on my nerves! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; &lt;!-- Use this to separate quotes within the same episode. --&gt;

:'''Doris''': Oh my god, Rosie, how dare you annoy Caillou! That's it, today's punishment day!

=== Caillou's Ghost Teacher [1.2] ===
:'''Caillou''': Rosie, I don't like you sitting here.
:'''Rosie''': Please?
:'''Caillou''': Fine! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; &lt;!-- Use this to separate quotes within the same episode. --&gt;

:'''Ghost Mrs. Armstrong''': Good morning, Caillou.
:'''Caillou''': Wait a second, why is my teacher a ghost?
:'''Ghost Mrs. Armstrong''': Good question, Caillou. Your teacher died a few days ago when it was the weekend. Now I'm the ghost of her.
:''[Caillou says 'no' a bunch of times]''
:'''Caillou''': Not my teacher! Why did she die?!
:'''Ghost Mrs. Armstrong''': Heart attack.

=== The Kidnap [1.3] ===
:'''Caillou''': Dad!
:'''Boris''': Yes son?
:'''Caillou''': My sister Rosie got kidnapped by a girl!
:'''Boris''': Probably go out there and save her from that kidnapper.
:''[Caillou slaps Boris]''
:'''Caillou''': Dad, you can't make me go out there! I'm 13! I might get kidnapped to and probably I would be with her too! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; &lt;!-- Use this to separate quotes within the same episode. --&gt;

:'''Rosie''': Mmmm! Sweet popcorn! But I guess I have to head home now. Nice meeting you, Ms. Lizzie.
:'''Ms. Lizzie''': Actually, you're going nowhere! ''[Laughs evilly]'' There is not a way!
:''[Rosie continues to eat popcorn]''

== Cast ==
&lt;!-- Only enter the main cast, not recurring or guest stars --&gt;
* Caillou Anderson
* Rosie Anderson
* Boris Anderson

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} &lt;!-- optional --&gt;
* {{imdb title|IMDB_ID_number|Show Title}}
* [http://url-to-resource Site description] &lt;!-- The official show website would be a good choice here. --&gt;
* [http://url-to-resource Site description 2]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Adventures of Caillou, The}}

[[Category:Television shows|*]]
[[Category:2010s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about children]]
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      <text bytes="20608" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title|bottom|2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film adaption of the television series directed by Cal Brunker}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
'''''{{w|PAW Patrol: The Movie}}''''' is a 2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] produced by {{w|Nickelodeon Movies}} and distributed by {{w|Paramount Pictures}}. The film stars the voices of {{w|Iain Armitage}}, {{w|Marsai Martin}}, {{w|Ron Pardo}}, {{w|Yara Shahidi}}, {{w|Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West}}, [[Randall Park]], {{w|Dax Shepard}}, with [[Tyler Perry]], and [[Jimmy Kimmel]], introducing {{w|Will Brisbin}}. In the film, Ryder and the pups are called to Adventure City to stop the corrupt rival Mayor Humdinger from turning the bustling metropolis into a state of chaos to face the challenge in order to save the citizens of Adventure City.

:''Directed by [[w:Cal Brunker|Cal Brunker]] and written by [[w:Billy Frolick|Billy Frolick]] and [[w:Bob Barlen|Bob Barlen]]. Based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] by {{w|Keith Chapman}}.''

{{center|'''Our fate is in their paws.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Chase ==
* ''[while facing of his fear to his situation]'' I can do this...
* ''[to Gus]'' You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally.
* ''[to Ryder that he and his friends are going to Adventure City]'' I'm afraid if I go back there, everyone will see I'm still that scared little puppy, and not the hero they think I am.
* ''[when his friends are amazed and he gets terrified as they arrived Adventure City]'' It's a lot... ''bigger'' than I remember.
* ''[first ride with his new rocket-powered police cruiser]'' Oh, I could get used to this!
* ''[sees the citizens trapped in the City Hall balcony on fire]'' Ryder, we've got people trapped on the balcony! I'm going in!
* ''[after Ryder checks him and tells him that he fails his first mission]'' I can't believe I forgot to disconnect my parachute. It's Air Rescue 101.
* ''[backs away from Ryder]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything will be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
* ''[after Ryder tells him about his backstory, then he asks him to go to work and he agrees]'' Ready for action, Ryder, sir.
* ''[Ryder gives him a nice catch by a flying car]'' You can count on me, Ryder.
* ''[driving to save Ryder with his motorcycle]'' I'm coming, Ryder!
* ''[when Mayor Humdinger tries to escape with his kittens, and he catches him]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangerment, and dog-napping.
* ''[after Ryder receives a call from Harris, he, Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!

== Liberty ==
* ''[first call when she is a big fan of the PAW Patrol]'' What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
* ''[running and escapes with the unstable fireworks]'' '''''THIS IS WHY DOGS HATE FIREWORKS!!!'''''
* ''[the PAW Patrol reached and arrived at the City Hall]'' You have reached your destination.
* ''[the photographers are taking pictures to Chase's friends, then she enters and talks to them]'' Hey, hey! Anyone want a picture with me? I'm kind of like an honorary member of the PAW Patrol. You should have seen me out there. I was like, &quot;Turn left, turn right, turn left, turn right!&quot; It was amazing!
* ''[Butch and Ruben caught and thrown her in the van, then she pretends to be captured]'' '''''OH, NO! PLEASE! LET ME GO!!!''''' Don't take me to exactly the same place you took the other dogs, in this white van! License plate number YVP 8624!
* ''[to Delores for embarrassment]'' You talk a lot of trash for a dog that looks like a toilet brush.
* ''[encouraging Chase]'' So? Who cares if you're scared? Heroes get scared all the time. ''['''Chase''': They do?]'' Of course they do. But even through they're scared, they push through and keep going. That's what make them heroes.
* ''[surprising Chase that the wall is wrecked and revealed to be Rubble]'' I brought ''backup''!
* ''[Ryder surprising her to a rocket-powered scooter; calmly]'' Okay, Liberty. Play it cool, play it cool. ''[then she gets excitedly]'' '''''AAH!!! THIS IS AMAZING! IT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!''''' I've never been so happy! It's like my whole life has been building towards this moment! All of my dreams have come true! ''[faints]'' It's so amazing!
* ''[Ryder gives her own pup-tag after they saved Adventure City and she becomes official member of the PAW Patrol]'' I'm official! Hey! Check me out! I'm officially official! Official member of the PAW Patrol, right here!

== Mayor Humdinger ==
* ''[when his top hat is flew away or it gets destroyed]'' My top hat!
* You know, they call this place Adventure City, but what’s so adventure-y about it? The truth is, it’s ''boring''. Libraries? ''[drops the library]'' Boring! Museums? ''[drops the museum]'' Boring! Cute little dog parks? ''[the citizens in awe; sarcastically]'' Ugh, definitely boring! ''[taunting Liberty]'' But don’t worry, I’m gonna put the adventure back in Adventure City! When I’m done with this place, you won’t even recognize it.
* ''[to Butch and Ruben to get rid of the PAW Patrol for necessary]'' I want the PAW Patrol off the streets now! Find them, catch them, and lock them away.
* ''[after Chase puts him under arrest]'' You can't arrest me! I'm the mayor!

== Delores ==
* ''[when Liberty founds Chase and needs him to get out of the obedience school and she gets sarcastically]'' Puh-lease! This scrawny, little purse pup is gonna pull a jailbreak?

== Butch ==
* ''[gives Mayor Humdinger his hat to his defeat]'' Here you go, boss.

== Others ==
*'''Kendra Wilson''': ''[gives a speech about the PAW Patrol saved Adventure City]'' Adventure City is our home. It's up to all of us to take care of it. But once in a while, a group of heroes go above and beyond the call of duty. They look out for their neighbors before they look out for themselves. And they're so darn cute, I just want to squeeze 'em!
*'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[gives a news report about the PAW Patrol's arrival in Adventure City]'' Guardians. Heroes. Cute little dogs and adorable outfits. Whatever you call them, the PAW Patrol were here to save the city from Mayor Humdinger's disastrous fireworks debacle. As a professional journalist, it's important that I remain unbiased. That being said, ''Ooh, yikes!'' An embarrassing start for Mayor Humdinger, but an incredible debut for the PAW Patrol in Adventure City.
*'''Rubble''': ''[Ryder shows the pups a pup-treat dispenser, he sings and make the others laugh]'' What? It's a beautiful thing.
*'''Skye''': ''[going to stop the Cloud Catcher with her helicopter]'' Don't worry about me. I can handle a little turbulence.
*'''Marshall''': ''[jumps off the holograms of the city, then he thrown himself on Rocky and Rubble]'' Next time, warn me before you stick a building up my nose.
*'''Rocky''': ''[after the PAW Patrol got stuck in the traffic]'' ''Green means go!'' '''''GREEN MEANS GO!''''' ''[then he asks Marshall]'' Green does ''still'' mean go, right?
*'''Zuma''': ''[the pups and Ryder seeing Humdinger Heights and the big storm]'' Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
*'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[at the ceremony for the PAW Patrol, he talks to the Tough Guy]'' Me and the PAW Patrol? We go ''way'' back!

== Dialogue ==
:''[First lines, in the Spin Master Entertainment logo, Marshall the firefighting pup enters onscreen, but he tumbles into the Spin Master logo and the logo spins]''
:'''Marshall''': Whoa! I'm okay.
:''[Chase the police pup appears and uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to stop the logo from spinning, then he words &quot;entertainment&quot; appears, as Marshall and Chase look at the audience]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[sees Gus the truck driver is stuck on the bridge]'' Oh, my. That's not good. That's not good at all. ''[to Gus]'' Good morning there, friend! Looks like you're in a particularly precarious predicament.
:'''Gus''': Call the police! Call the fire department! ''[the truck door fall it open]'' Call everybody!
:'''Cap'n Turbot''': You're in Adventure Bay. ''[shows his phone to Gus]'' Here, we call the PAW Patrol!
:'''Gus''': You're gonna call the who?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ryder''': Chase, it's all up to you. Use the winch in your pup-pack to get the driver and bring him to safety.
:'''Chase''': Chase is on the case! ''[rushes on the bridge to free Gus]'' Arf! Grappling hook!
:''[Chase uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to secures on top on the bridge, he jumps off the bridge, howling and his hook was hanging on top, then he comes down]''
:'''Chase''': Sir, don't be alarmed. I'm coming down!
:'''Gus''': Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! The rescue team is here! ''[sees Chase]'' A ''dog!?''
:'''Chase''': Actually, sir, I'm a puppy.
:'''Gus''': A ''baby dog!?'' That's even worse!
:'''Chase''': You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally. Now, let's get you outta here.
:'''Gus''': No way! I'm waiting right here for a real rescue. ''[the truck lows even more]'' '''''AAH!!!''''' I changed my mind! ''[grabs Chase]'' I'll go with you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[In Adventure City, a Tough Guy eating a donut and throw his trash on a leg of a dachshund named Liberty]''
:'''Liberty''': Huh? Oh, um. ''[to a Tough Guy]'' Hey, excuse me? You dropped something.
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[frustrated]'' I'm done with it! Buzz off, ''wiener dog.''
:'''Liberty''': ''[angered]'' ''Wiener dog''?! Maybe you should just pick that up and put it in the trash!
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah, or what?
:'''Liberty''': Or I'm going to pick you up and put ''you in the trash!'' ''[the passengers gasp that was said to her]'' Hmph!
:'''Tough Guy''': Hey, I don't want no trouble! ''[picks up the trash]'' I'm picking up the trash. I'm picking up the trash!
:'''Liberty''': ''[praises]'' Thank you. We've all got to take pride in our city. Don't ever forget that. ''[hears the subway speaker]'' This is my stop, it's been a slice. ''[leaves the subway train]''
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[to Liberty]'' I'm gonna turn my life around. I really am.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Back in Adventure Bay, an emergency call in the big screen on the Lookout]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Liberty''': What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
:'''Ryder''': Is there something we can help you with?
:'''Liberty''': ''[agreeing]'' Yes, yes, yes! My name is Liberty, and I'm calling in from Adventure City. Something terrible has happened. Humdinger... was just elected ''mayor''!
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Rubble, and Zuma''': ''[shocked]'' '''''HUMDINGER!?!?'''''
:'''Ryder''': He's the worst mayor in the history of mayors!
:'''Rubble''': And that's being generous.
:'''Liberty''': You're telling me, this guy's a disaster! He's going to destroy the whole city! Please, we need your help. Come quickly. ''[ends her call]''
:'''Ryder''': Adventure City's in trouble. Come on pups, pack your things! No city's too big, no pup's too small!
:''[The pups are excited and start howling, but Ryder sees Chase goes into the elevator]''
:'''Ryder''': What's wrong, Chase?
:'''Chase''': I'm not going.
:'''Ryder''': We have to go. They need us.
:'''Chase''': ''[refused]'' I'm ''never'' going back to Adventure City! ''[the elevator brings him down]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[worried]'' Chase...
:'''Marshall''': ''[concerned]'' What's got his leash in a knot?
:'''Ryder''': ''[hesitates]'' Chase has a... ''history'' with Adventure City. He has a lot of tough memories from that place...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Skye''': ''[remarking on the new headquarters]'' How can we afford this place?
:'''Ryder''': ''[holding up a PAW Patrol T-shirt featuring Chase, Marshall and Skye in their original [[w:Guru Studio|Guru Studio]] designs]'' Officially licensed PAW Patrol merchandise. This stuff sells like hot-cakes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Marshall rescue the passengers on the upside-down subway and Skye brings Chase back to the streets]''
:'''Ryder''': Okay, that's all of them. ''[to the pups]'' Good job, pups. ''[sees Chase]'' Chase.
:'''Chase''': I don't know what happened.
:'''Ryder''': I'm just glad you're okay.
:'''Chase''': ''[sadly]'' I'm sorry.
:'''Ryder''': No, it's my fault. I though you'll be okay in Adventure City. But still too much for you.
:'''Chase''': I'll be fine. I, I just need to...
:'''Ryder''': You're not fine. You need to take a break. We'll take care of the recuses for a while.
:'''Chase''': What?! No, that's not fair.
:'''Ryder''': I'm sorry, Chase. I know it's hard, but it's the way it's gotta be.
: ''[A heartbroken Chase backs away from Ryder, feeling like he can no longer trust him]''
:'''Chase''': ''[angrily]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything would be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
:'''Ryder''': ''[hurt by Chase's words]'' Chase...
:''[Feeling that Ryder betrayed his trust, Chase runs away out of heartbreak]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[runs after Chase]'' Chase, wait!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The pups, Liberty, and Ryder saw the storm in the sky on the window as they got shocked]''
:'''Zuma''': Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
:''[The lightning scares Rubble, as he screams and hides on Liberty and Skye]''
:'''Skye''': ''[sarcastically]'' Rubble.
:'''Rubble''': What? Lightning is frightening.
:''[An emergency call in the big screen and its ringing]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Kendra Wilson''': What's ''the'' emergency?! The mesoscale convective system is causing exponential thermal lift and catastrophic downbursts at over ''190 knots!''
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Zuma, and Liberty''': ''[confused]'' '''''WHAT?!'''''
:'''Rubble''': ''[to Kendra]'' It's a super, bad storm. ''[to the other pups]'' Come on, guys, keep up.
:'''Kendra Wilson''': Finally, ''somebody'' gets me. This is ''not'' a regular storm. It’s being caused by a weather-control device that’s unleashing weeks’ worth of bad weather ''all at once!''
:'''Ryder''': Take cover. We're on our way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[When Marshall and Rocky brings the people to get inside of Humdinger Heights, Rubble is wearing Marty Muckraker's wig]''
:'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[notices Rubble is wearing his wig]'' Hey, that's my hair! Where did you find it?
:'''Rubble''': The hair ''found'' me. It was my destiny.
:'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[yanks his wig from Rubble]'' Well, that's ''my'' signature look! ''[puts his wig on his head]'' Buy your own hair.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The Cloud Catcher is destroyed and the skies are clear again and sunny, Skye falls from the air with joy, then she uses her jet pack to fly to safety, as she landed, the pups are impressed]''
:'''Marshall''': Good job, Skye!
:'''Zuma''': That was totally awesome!
:'''Liberty''': You’re definitely my favorite pup!
:'''Skye''': ''[hopefully]'' I hope Ryder got insurance on my copter.
:''[Skye saw her helicopter was crashed on the ground behind her, Rocky was next, as he looked on it and making her upset]''
:'''Rocky''': That'll buff right out. ''[Skye looked at him in annoyance for he was joking]''
:''[Chase and Ryder comes out of the building and the pups are happy to see them]''
:'''Rubble''': ''[relieved]'' He's okay!
:'''Marshall''': All right!
:''[The other pups tackles Ryder and they licking and hugging him]''
:'''Skye''': ''[to the other male pups]'' Okay, okay, give him some air.
:'''Liberty''': How do you feel?
:'''Ryder''': ''[laughs]'' Covered in drool!
:'''Rubble''': ''[joked]'' I can’t help it, I’m a bulldog! My tongue is ''too'' big for my mouth. See? ''[shows them with his tongue and they started to laugh]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[picks up Chase's hat; to the pups]'' You did good, pups. ''[puts on Chase's hat on his head and he patted him]''
:''[The pups started to howl and they laughed, the citizens are cheering for the PAW Patrol and they come out from Humdinger Heights]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[comes out and trying to escape]'' Time for me to get out of here.
:'''Chase''': ''[angered]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! ''[the PAW Patrol spots Mayor Humdinger, and they started to staring at him]'' You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangerment, and dog-napping.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[to Chase]'' You can’t arrest me! I’m the mayor! ''[laughing and escapes, then his kittens drops them and run away]''
:'''Marshall''': ''[alarmed]'' He's getting away!
:'''Skye''': Arf! Mini-drone! ''[releases her drone in her jet-pack and flies to catch Mayor Humdinger]''
:''[Mayor Humdinger running to escape, but the drone's hook is holding his pants, as it flies on the center by the PAW Patrol and the citizens]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[infuriated]'' Put me down! Nobody makes a fool of Mayor Humdinger five times in the same day!
:''[The hook was on Mayor Humdinger's pants is ripped off and makes him fall, then he shrieks and cover his underpants]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[dismayed]'' Well, this is humiliating.
:'''Butch''': ''[puts Mayor Humdinger's hat to him]'' Here you go, boss.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': That's better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Last lines, Ryder's phone interrupts his speech and gets a call from Harris]''
:'''Harris''': Ryder, something ''big'' is going down at the waterfront. We need the PAW Patrol!
:'''Chase''': ''[to Ryder; along with Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!
:'''Ryder''': ''[to the citizens]'' Sorry, folks. Duty calls.

==Taglines==
* Our fate is in their paws.
* A Nose for Adventure (Chase tagline)
* New Dog, New Tricks (Liberty tagline)
* Can You Dig It? (Rubble tagline)
* She's So Fly (Skye tagline)
* Coming in Hot (Marshall tagline)
* Not Afraid to Get His Paws Dirty (Rocky tagline)
* Diving Into Adventure (Zuma tagline)

==Cast==
* [[w:Iain Armitage|Iain Armitage]] as Chase
* Will Brisbin as Ryder
* [[w:Marsai Martin|Marsai Martin]] as Liberty
* [[w:Ron Pardo|Ron Pardo]] as Mayor Humdinger/Cap'n Turbot
* Keegan Hedley as Rubble
* [[w:Lilly Bartlam|Lilly Bartlam]] as Skye
* Kingsley Marshall as Marshall
* Callum Shoniker as Rocky
* Shayle Simons as Zuma
* [[w:Yara Shahidi|Yara Shahidi]] as Kendra Wilson
* [[w:Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West]] as Delores
* [[Randall Park]] as Butch
* [[w:Dax Shepard|Dax Shepard]] as Ruben
* [[Tyler Perry]] as Gus
* [[Jimmy Kimmel]] as Marty Muckraker
* [[w:Kim Roberts (actress)|Kim Roberts]] as Mayor Goodway
* [[w:Paul Braunstein|Paul Braunstein]] as Tough Guy
* Monique Alvarez as Carmen
* [[w:Jamillah Ross|Jamillah Ross]] as Camerawoman
* [[w:Josh Robert Thompson|Josh Robert Thompson]] as Technician
* Josh Graham as Computer Voice
* [[w:Neil Crone|Neil Crone]] as Tony
* [[w:Joe Pingue|Joe Pingue]] as Barney
* Charlie Gallant as Harris
* Richard Binsley as Rocket
* [[w:Raoul Bhaneja |Raoul Bhaneja]] as Man
* [[w:Saara Chaudry|Saara Chaudry]] as Girl
* Kevin Duhaney as Window Washer
* Eva Olivia as Kitten Catastrophe Crew/Chickaletta

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
[[Category:PAW Patrol]]
[[Category:2021 films]]
[[Category:Canadian films]]
[[Category:2020s American animated films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Animated films about dogs]]
[[Category:Films about children]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated action films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Nickelodeon films]]
[[Category:Films based on animated television series]]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147611</id>
      <parentid>3147601</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T18:15:39Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>112.203.220.63</ip>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="20608" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title|bottom|2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film adaption of the television series directed by Cal Brunker}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
'''''{{w|PAW Patrol: The Movie}}''''' is a 2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] produced by {{w|Nickelodeon Movies}} and distributed by {{w|Paramount Pictures}}. The film stars the voices of {{w|Iain Armitage}}, {{w|Marsai Martin}}, {{w|Ron Pardo}}, {{w|Yara Shahidi}}, {{w|Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West}}, [[Randall Park]], {{w|Dax Shepard}}, with [[Tyler Perry]], and [[Jimmy Kimmel]], introducing {{w|Will Brisbin}}. In the film, Ryder and the pups are called to Adventure City to stop the corrupt rival Mayor Humdinger from turning the bustling metropolis into a state of chaos to face the challenge in order to save the citizens of Adventure City.

:''Directed by [[w:Cal Brunker|Cal Brunker]] and written by [[w:Billy Frolick|Billy Frolick]] and [[w:Bob Barlen|Bob Barlen]]. Based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] by {{w|Keith Chapman}}.''

{{center|'''Our fate is in their paws.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Chase ==
* ''[while facing of his fear to his situation]'' I can do this...
* ''[to Gus]'' You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally.
* ''[to Ryder that he and his friends are going to Adventure City]'' I'm afraid if I go back there, everyone will see I'm still that scared little puppy, and not the hero they think I am.
* ''[when his friends are amazed and he gets terrified as they arrived Adventure City]'' It's a lot... ''bigger'' than I remember.
* ''[first ride with his new rocket-powered police cruiser]'' Oh, I could get used to this!
* ''[sees the citizens trapped in the City Hall balcony on fire]'' Ryder, we've got people trapped on the balcony! I'm going in!
* ''[after Ryder checks him and tells him that he fails his first mission]'' I can't believe I forgot to disconnect my parachute. It's Air Rescue 101.
* ''[backs away from Ryder]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything will be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
* ''[after Ryder tells him about his backstory, then he asks him to go to work and he agrees]'' Ready for action, Ryder, sir.
* ''[Ryder gives him a nice catch by a flying car]'' You can count on me, Ryder.
* ''[driving to save Ryder with his motorcycle]'' I'm coming, Ryder!
* ''[when Mayor Humdinger tries to escape with his kittens, and he catches him]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangerment, and dog-napping.
* ''[after Ryder receives a call from Harris, he, Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!

== Liberty ==
* ''[first call when she is a big fan of the PAW Patrol]'' What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
* ''[running and escapes with the unstable fireworks]'' '''''THIS IS WHY DOGS HATE FIREWORKS!!!'''''
* ''[the PAW Patrol reached and arrived at the City Hall]'' You have reached your destination.
* ''[the photographers are taking pictures to Chase's friends, then she enters and talks to them]'' Hey, hey! Anyone want a picture with me? I'm kind of like an honorary member of the PAW Patrol. You should have seen me out there. I was like, &quot;Turn left, turn right, turn left, turn right!&quot; It was amazing!
* ''[Butch and Ruben caught and thrown her in the van, then she pretends to be captured]'' '''''OH, NO! PLEASE! LET ME GO!!!''''' Don't take me to exactly the same place you took the other dogs, in this white van! License plate number YVP 8624!
* ''[to Delores for embarrassment]'' You talk a lot of trash for a dog that looks like a toilet brush.
* ''[encouraging Chase]'' So? Who cares if you're scared? Heroes get scared all the time. ''['''Chase''': They do?]'' Of course they do. But even through they're scared, they push through and keep going. That's what make them heroes.
* ''[surprising Chase that the wall is wrecked and revealed to be Rubble]'' I brought ''backup''!
* ''[Ryder surprising her to a rocket-powered scooter; calmly]'' Okay, Liberty. Play it cool, play it cool. ''[then she gets excitedly]'' '''''AAH!!! THIS IS AMAZING! IT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!''''' I've never been so happy! It's like my whole life has been building towards this moment! All of my dreams have come true! ''[faints]'' It's so amazing!
* ''[Ryder gives her own pup-tag after they saved Adventure City and she becomes official member of the PAW Patrol]'' I'm official! Hey! Check me out! I'm officially official! Official member of the PAW Patrol, right here!

== Mayor Humdinger ==
* ''[when his top hat is flew away or it gets destroyed]'' My top hat!
* You know, they call this place Adventure City, but what’s so adventure-y about it? The truth is, it’s ''boring''. Libraries? ''[drops the library]'' Boring! Museums? ''[drops the museum]'' Boring! Cute little dog parks? ''[the citizens in awe; sarcastically]'' Ugh, definitely boring! ''[taunting Liberty]'' But don’t worry, I’m gonna put the adventure back in Adventure City! When I’m done with this place, you won’t even recognize it.
* ''[to Butch and Ruben to get rid of the PAW Patrol for necessary]'' I want the PAW Patrol off the streets now! Find them, catch them, and lock them away.
* ''[after Chase puts him under arrest]'' You can't arrest me! I'm the mayor!

== Delores ==
* ''[when Liberty founds Chase and needs him to get out of the obedience school and she gets sarcastically]'' Puh-lease! This scrawny, little purse pup is gonna pull a jailbreak?

== Butch ==
* ''[gives Mayor Humdinger his hat to his defeat]'' Here you go, boss.

== Others ==
*'''Kendra Wilson''': ''[gives a speech about the PAW Patrol saved Adventure City]'' Adventure City is our home. It's up to all of us to take care of it. But once in a while, a group of heroes go above and beyond the call of duty. They look out for their neighbors before they look out for themselves. And they're so darn cute, I just want to squeeze 'em!
*'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[gives a news report about the PAW Patrol's arrival in Adventure City]'' Guardians. Heroes. Cute little dogs and adorable outfits. Whatever you call them, the PAW Patrol were here to save the city from Mayor Humdinger's disastrous fireworks debacle. As a professional journalist, it's important that I remain unbiased. That being said; O''oh, yikes!'' An embarrassing start for Mayor Humdinger, but an incredible debut for the PAW Patrol in Adventure City.
*'''Rubble''': ''[Ryder shows the pups a pup-treat dispenser, he sings and make the others laugh]'' What? It's a beautiful thing.
*'''Skye''': ''[going to stop the Cloud Catcher with her helicopter]'' Don't worry about me. I can handle a little ''turbulence''.
*'''Marshall''': ''[jumps off the holograms of the city, then he thrown himself on Rocky and Rubble]'' Next time, warn me before you stick a building up my nose.
*'''Rocky''': ''[after the PAW Patrol got stuck in the traffic]'' '''Green means go! ''Green means go''!''' ''[then he asks Marshall]'' Green does ''still'' mean go, right?
*'''Zuma''': ''[the pups and Ryder seeing Humdinger Heights and the big storm]'' Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
*'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[at the ceremony for the PAW Patrol, he talks to the Tough Guy]'' Me and the PAW Patrol? We go ''way'' back!

== Dialogue ==
:''[First lines, in the Spin Master Entertainment logo, Marshall the firefighting pup enters onscreen, but he tumbles into the Spin Master logo and the logo spins]''
:'''Marshall''': Whoa! I'm okay.
:''[Chase the police pup appears and uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to stop the logo from spinning, then he words &quot;entertainment&quot; appears, as Marshall and Chase look at the audience]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[sees Gus the truck driver is stuck on the bridge]'' Oh, my. That's not good. That's not good at all. ''[to Gus]'' Good morning there, friend! Looks like you're in a particularly precarious predicament.
:'''Gus''': Call the police! Call the fire department! ''[the truck door fall it open]'' Call everybody!
:'''Cap'n Turbot''': You're in Adventure Bay. ''[shows his phone to Gus]'' Here, we call the PAW Patrol!
:'''Gus''': You're gonna call the who?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ryder''': Chase, it's all up to you. Use the winch in your pup-pack to get the driver and bring him to safety.
:'''Chase''': Chase is on the case! ''[rushes on the bridge to free Gus]'' Arf! Grappling hook!
:''[Chase uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to secures on top on the bridge, he jumps off the bridge, howling and his hook was hanging on top, then he comes down]''
:'''Chase''': Sir, don't be alarmed. I'm coming down!
:'''Gus''': Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! The rescue team is here! ''[sees Chase]'' A ''dog!?''
:'''Chase''': Actually, sir, I'm a puppy.
:'''Gus''': A ''baby dog!?'' That's even worse!
:'''Chase''': You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally. Now, let's get you outta here.
:'''Gus''': No way! I'm waiting right here for a real rescue. ''[the truck lows even more]'' '''''AAH!!!''''' I changed my mind! ''[grabs Chase]'' I'll go with you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[In Adventure City, a Tough Guy eating a donut and throw his trash on a leg of a dachshund named Liberty]''
:'''Liberty''': Huh? Oh, um. ''[to a Tough Guy]'' Hey, excuse me? You dropped something.
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[frustrated]'' I'm done with it! Buzz off, ''wiener dog.''
:'''Liberty''': ''[angered]'' ''Wiener dog''?! Maybe you should just pick that up and put it in the trash!
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah, or what?
:'''Liberty''': Or I'm going to pick you up and put ''you in the trash!'' ''[the passengers gasp that was said to her]'' Hmph!
:'''Tough Guy''': Hey, I don't want no trouble! ''[picks up the trash]'' I'm picking up the trash. I'm picking up the trash!
:'''Liberty''': ''[praises]'' Thank you. We've all got to take pride in our city. Don't ever forget that. ''[hears the subway speaker]'' This is my stop, it's been a slice. ''[leaves the subway train]''
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[to Liberty]'' I'm gonna turn my life around. I really am.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Back in Adventure Bay, an emergency call in the big screen on the Lookout]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Liberty''': What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
:'''Ryder''': Is there something we can help you with?
:'''Liberty''': ''[agreeing]'' Yes, yes, yes! My name is Liberty, and I'm calling in from Adventure City. Something terrible has happened. Humdinger... was just elected ''mayor''!
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Rubble, and Zuma''': ''[shocked]'' '''''HUMDINGER!?!?'''''
:'''Ryder''': He's the worst mayor in the history of mayors!
:'''Rubble''': And that's being generous.
:'''Liberty''': You're telling me, this guy's a disaster! He's going to destroy the whole city! Please, we need your help. Come quickly. ''[ends her call]''
:'''Ryder''': Adventure City's in trouble. Come on pups, pack your things! No city's too big, no pup's too small!
:''[The pups are excited and start howling, but Ryder sees Chase goes into the elevator]''
:'''Ryder''': What's wrong, Chase?
:'''Chase''': I'm not going.
:'''Ryder''': We have to go. They need us.
:'''Chase''': ''[refused]'' I'm ''never'' going back to Adventure City! ''[the elevator brings him down]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[worried]'' Chase...
:'''Marshall''': ''[concerned]'' What's got his leash in a knot?
:'''Ryder''': ''[hesitates]'' Chase has a... ''history'' with Adventure City. He has a lot of tough memories from that place...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Skye''': ''[remarking on the new headquarters]'' How can we afford this place?
:'''Ryder''': ''[holding up a PAW Patrol T-shirt featuring Chase, Marshall and Skye in their original [[w:Guru Studio|Guru Studio]] designs]'' Officially licensed PAW Patrol merchandise. This stuff sells like hot-cakes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


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&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Marshall rescue the passengers on the upside-down subway and Skye brings Chase back to the streets]''
:'''Ryder''': Okay, that's all of them. ''[to the pups]'' Good job, pups. ''[sees Chase]'' Chase.
:'''Chase''': I don't know what happened.
:'''Ryder''': I'm just glad you're okay.
:'''Chase''': ''[sadly]'' I'm sorry.
:'''Ryder''': No, it's my fault. I though you'll be okay in Adventure City. But still too much for you.
:'''Chase''': I'll be fine. I, I just need to...
:'''Ryder''': You're not fine. You need to take a break. We'll take care of the recuses for a while.
:'''Chase''': What?! No, that's not fair.
:'''Ryder''': I'm sorry, Chase. I know it's hard, but it's the way it's gotta be.
: ''[A heartbroken Chase backs away from Ryder, feeling like he can no longer trust him]''
:'''Chase''': ''[angrily]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything would be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
:'''Ryder''': ''[hurt by Chase's words]'' Chase...
:''[Feeling that Ryder betrayed his trust, Chase runs away out of heartbreak]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[runs after Chase]'' Chase, wait!

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&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The pups, Liberty, and Ryder saw the storm in the sky on the window as they got shocked]''
:'''Zuma''': Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
:''[The lightning scares Rubble, as he screams and hides on Liberty and Skye]''
:'''Skye''': ''[sarcastically]'' Rubble.
:'''Rubble''': What? Lightning is frightening.
:''[An emergency call in the big screen and its ringing]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Kendra Wilson''': What's ''the'' emergency?! The mesoscale convective system is causing exponential thermal lift and catastrophic downbursts at over ''190 knots!''
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Zuma, and Liberty''': ''[confused]'' '''''WHAT?!'''''
:'''Rubble''': ''[to Kendra]'' It's a super, bad storm. ''[to the other pups]'' Come on, guys, keep up.
:'''Kendra Wilson''': Finally, ''somebody'' gets me. This is ''not'' a regular storm. It’s being caused by a weather-control device that’s unleashing weeks’ worth of bad weather ''all at once!''
:'''Ryder''': Take cover. We're on our way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[When Marshall and Rocky brings the people to get inside of Humdinger Heights, Rubble is wearing Marty Muckraker's wig]''
:'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[notices Rubble is wearing his wig]'' Hey, that's my hair! Where did you find it?
:'''Rubble''': The hair ''found'' me. It was my destiny.
:'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[yanks his wig from Rubble]'' Well, that's ''my'' signature look! ''[puts his wig on his head]'' Buy your own hair.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The Cloud Catcher is destroyed and the skies are clear again and sunny, Skye falls from the air with joy, then she uses her jet pack to fly to safety, as she landed, the pups are impressed]''
:'''Marshall''': Good job, Skye!
:'''Zuma''': That was totally awesome!
:'''Liberty''': You’re definitely my favorite pup!
:'''Skye''': ''[hopefully]'' I hope Ryder got insurance on my copter.
:''[Skye saw her helicopter was crashed on the ground behind her, Rocky was next, as he looked on it and making her upset]''
:'''Rocky''': That'll buff right out. ''[Skye looked at him in annoyance for he was joking]''
:''[Chase and Ryder comes out of the building and the pups are happy to see them]''
:'''Rubble''': ''[relieved]'' He's okay!
:'''Marshall''': All right!
:''[The other pups tackles Ryder and they licking and hugging him]''
:'''Skye''': ''[to the other male pups]'' Okay, okay, give him some air.
:'''Liberty''': How do you feel?
:'''Ryder''': ''[laughs]'' Covered in drool!
:'''Rubble''': ''[joked]'' I can’t help it, I’m a bulldog! My tongue is ''too'' big for my mouth. See? ''[shows them with his tongue and they started to laugh]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[picks up Chase's hat; to the pups]'' You did good, pups. ''[puts on Chase's hat on his head and he patted him]''
:''[The pups started to howl and they laughed, the citizens are cheering for the PAW Patrol and they come out from Humdinger Heights]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[comes out and trying to escape]'' Time for me to get out of here.
:'''Chase''': ''[angered]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! ''[the PAW Patrol spots Mayor Humdinger, and they started to staring at him]'' You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangerment, and dog-napping.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[to Chase]'' You can’t arrest me! I’m the mayor! ''[laughing and escapes, then his kittens drops them and run away]''
:'''Marshall''': ''[alarmed]'' He's getting away!
:'''Skye''': Arf! Mini-drone! ''[releases her drone in her jet-pack and flies to catch Mayor Humdinger]''
:''[Mayor Humdinger running to escape, but the drone's hook is holding his pants, as it flies on the center by the PAW Patrol and the citizens]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[infuriated]'' Put me down! Nobody makes a fool of Mayor Humdinger five times in the same day!
:''[The hook was on Mayor Humdinger's pants is ripped off and makes him fall, then he shrieks and cover his underpants]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[dismayed]'' Well, this is humiliating.
:'''Butch''': ''[puts Mayor Humdinger's hat to him]'' Here you go, boss.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': That's better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Last lines, Ryder's phone interrupts his speech and gets a call from Harris]''
:'''Harris''': Ryder, something ''big'' is going down at the waterfront. We need the PAW Patrol!
:'''Chase''': ''[to Ryder; along with Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!
:'''Ryder''': ''[to the citizens]'' Sorry, folks. Duty calls.

==Taglines==
* Our fate is in their paws.
* A Nose for Adventure (Chase tagline)
* New Dog, New Tricks (Liberty tagline)
* Can You Dig It? (Rubble tagline)
* She's So Fly (Skye tagline)
* Coming in Hot (Marshall tagline)
* Not Afraid to Get His Paws Dirty (Rocky tagline)
* Diving Into Adventure (Zuma tagline)

==Cast==
* [[w:Iain Armitage|Iain Armitage]] as Chase
* Will Brisbin as Ryder
* [[w:Marsai Martin|Marsai Martin]] as Liberty
* [[w:Ron Pardo|Ron Pardo]] as Mayor Humdinger/Cap'n Turbot
* Keegan Hedley as Rubble
* [[w:Lilly Bartlam|Lilly Bartlam]] as Skye
* Kingsley Marshall as Marshall
* Callum Shoniker as Rocky
* Shayle Simons as Zuma
* [[w:Yara Shahidi|Yara Shahidi]] as Kendra Wilson
* [[w:Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West]] as Delores
* [[Randall Park]] as Butch
* [[w:Dax Shepard|Dax Shepard]] as Ruben
* [[Tyler Perry]] as Gus
* [[Jimmy Kimmel]] as Marty Muckraker
* [[w:Kim Roberts (actress)|Kim Roberts]] as Mayor Goodway
* [[w:Paul Braunstein|Paul Braunstein]] as Tough Guy
* Monique Alvarez as Carmen
* [[w:Jamillah Ross|Jamillah Ross]] as Camerawoman
* [[w:Josh Robert Thompson|Josh Robert Thompson]] as Technician
* Josh Graham as Computer Voice
* [[w:Neil Crone|Neil Crone]] as Tony
* [[w:Joe Pingue|Joe Pingue]] as Barney
* Charlie Gallant as Harris
* Richard Binsley as Rocket
* [[w:Raoul Bhaneja |Raoul Bhaneja]] as Man
* [[w:Saara Chaudry|Saara Chaudry]] as Girl
* Kevin Duhaney as Window Washer
* Eva Olivia as Kitten Catastrophe Crew/Chickaletta

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
[[Category:PAW Patrol]]
[[Category:2021 films]]
[[Category:Canadian films]]
[[Category:2020s American animated films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Animated films about dogs]]
[[Category:Films about children]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated action films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Nickelodeon films]]
[[Category:Films based on animated television series]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3147613</id>
      <parentid>3147611</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T18:20:07Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
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      <text bytes="20631" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title|bottom|2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film adaption of the television series directed by Cal Brunker}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
'''''{{w|PAW Patrol: The Movie}}''''' is a 2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] produced by {{w|Nickelodeon Movies}} and distributed by {{w|Paramount Pictures}}. The film stars the voices of {{w|Iain Armitage}}, {{w|Marsai Martin}}, {{w|Ron Pardo}}, {{w|Yara Shahidi}}, {{w|Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West}}, [[Randall Park]], {{w|Dax Shepard}}, with [[Tyler Perry]], and [[Jimmy Kimmel]], introducing {{w|Will Brisbin}}. In the film, Ryder and the pups are called to Adventure City to stop the corrupt rival Mayor Humdinger from turning the bustling metropolis into a state of chaos to face the challenge in order to save the citizens of Adventure City.

:''Directed by [[w:Cal Brunker|Cal Brunker]] and written by [[w:Billy Frolick|Billy Frolick]] and [[w:Bob Barlen|Bob Barlen]]. Based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] by {{w|Keith Chapman}}.''

{{center|'''Our fate is in their paws.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Chase ==
* ''[while facing of his fear to his situation]'' I can do this...
* ''[to Gus]'' You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally.
* ''[to Ryder that he and his friends are going to Adventure City]'' I'm afraid if I go back there, everyone will see I'm still that scared little puppy, and not the hero they think I am.
* ''[when his friends are amazed and he gets terrified as they arrived Adventure City]'' It's a lot... ''bigger'' than I remember.
* ''[first ride with his new rocket-powered police cruiser]'' Oh, I could get used to this!
* ''[sees the citizens trapped in the City Hall balcony on fire]'' Ryder, we've got people trapped on the balcony! I'm going in!
* ''[after Ryder checks him and tells him that he fails his first mission]'' I can't believe I forgot to disconnect my parachute. It's Air Rescue 101.
* ''[backs away from Ryder]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything will be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
* ''[after Ryder tells him about his backstory, then he asks him to go to work and he agrees]'' Ready for action, Ryder, sir.
* ''[Ryder gives him a nice catch by a flying car]'' You can count on me, Ryder.
* ''[driving to save Ryder with his motorcycle]'' I'm coming, Ryder!
* ''[when Mayor Humdinger tries to escape with his kittens, and he catches him]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangerment, and dog-napping.
* ''[after Ryder receives a call from Harris, he, Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!

== Liberty ==
* ''[first call when she is a big fan of the PAW Patrol]'' What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
* ''[running and escapes with the unstable fireworks]'' '''''THIS IS WHY DOGS HATE FIREWORKS!!!'''''
* ''[the PAW Patrol reached and arrived at the City Hall]'' You have reached your destination.
* ''[the photographers are taking pictures to Chase's friends, then she enters and talks to them]'' Hey, hey! Anyone want a picture with me? I'm kind of like an honorary member of the PAW Patrol. You should have seen me out there. I was like, &quot;Turn left, turn right, turn left, turn right!&quot; It was amazing!
* ''[Butch and Ruben caught and thrown her in the van, then she pretends to be captured]'' '''''OH, NO! PLEASE! LET ME GO!!!''''' Don't take me to exactly the same place you took the other dogs, in this white van! License plate number YVP 8624!
* ''[to Delores for embarrassment]'' You talk a lot of trash for a dog that looks like a toilet brush.
* ''[encouraging Chase]'' So? Who cares if you're scared? Heroes get scared all the time. ''['''Chase''': They do?]'' Of course they do. But even through they're scared, they push through and keep going. That's what make them heroes.
* ''[surprising Chase that the wall is wrecked and revealed to be Rubble]'' I brought ''backup''!
* ''[Ryder surprising her to a rocket-powered scooter; calmly]'' Okay, Liberty. Play it cool, play it cool. ''[then she gets excitedly]'' '''''AAH!!! THIS IS AMAZING! IT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!''''' I've never been so happy! It's like my whole life has been building towards this moment! All of my dreams have come true! ''[faints]'' It's so amazing!
* ''[Ryder gives her own pup-tag after they saved Adventure City and she becomes official member of the PAW Patrol]'' I'm official! Hey! Check me out! I'm officially official! Official member of the PAW Patrol, right here!

== Mayor Humdinger ==
* ''[when his top hat is flew away or it gets destroyed]'' My top hat!
* You know, they call this place Adventure City, but what’s so adventure-y about it? The truth is, it’s ''boring''. Libraries? ''[drops the library]'' Boring! Museums? ''[drops the museum]'' Boring! Cute little dog parks? ''[the citizens in awe; sarcastically]'' Ugh, definitely boring! ''[taunting Liberty]'' But don’t worry, I’m gonna put the adventure back in Adventure City! When I’m done with this place, you won’t even recognize it.
* ''[to Butch and Ruben to get rid of the PAW Patrol for necessary]'' I want the PAW Patrol off the streets now! Find them, catch them, and lock them away.
* ''[after Chase puts him under arrest]'' You can't arrest me! I'm the mayor!

== Delores ==
* ''[when Liberty founds Chase and needs him to get out of the obedience school and she gets sarcastically]'' Puh-lease! This scrawny, little purse pup is gonna pull a jailbreak?

== Butch ==
* ''[gives Mayor Humdinger his hat to his defeat]'' Here you go, boss.

== Others ==
*'''Kendra Wilson''': ''[gives a speech about the PAW Patrol saved Adventure City]'' Adventure City is our home. It's up to all of us to take care of it. But once in a while, a group of heroes go above and beyond the call of duty. They look out for their neighbors before they look out for themselves. And they're so darn cute, I just want to squeeze 'em!
*'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[gives a news report about the PAW Patrol's arrival in Adventure City]'' Guardians. Heroes. Cute little dogs and adorable outfits. Whatever you call them, the PAW Patrol were here to save the city from Mayor Humdinger's disastrous fireworks debacle. As a professional journalist, it's important that I remain unbiased. That being said; O''oh, yikes!'' An embarrassing start for Mayor Humdinger, but an incredible debut for the PAW Patrol in Adventure City.
*'''Rubble''': ''[Ryder shows the pups a pup-treat dispenser, he sings angelic and make the others laugh]'' What? It's a beautiful thing.
*'''Skye''': ''[going to stop the Cloud Catcher with her helicopter]'' Don't worry about me. I can handle a little ''turbulence''.
*'''Marshall''': ''[jumps off the holograms of the city, then he thrown himself on Rocky and Rubble]'' Next time, warn me before you stick a building up my nose.
*'''Rocky''': [after ''the PAW Patrol got stuck in the traffic]'' '''Green means go! ''Green means go''!''' ''[then he asks Marshall]'' Green does ''still'' mean go, right?
*'''Zuma''': ''[the pups and Ryder gets shocked and sees Humdinger Heights and the big storm]'' Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
*'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[at the ceremony for the PAW Patrol, he talks to the Tough Guy]'' Me and the PAW Patrol? We go ''way'' back!

== Dialogue ==
:''[First lines, in the Spin Master Entertainment logo, Marshall the firefighting pup enters onscreen, but he tumbles into the Spin Master logo and the logo spins]''
:'''Marshall''': Whoa! I'm okay.
:''[Chase the police pup appears and uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to stop the logo from spinning, then he words &quot;entertainment&quot; appears, as Marshall and Chase look at the audience]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[sees Gus the truck driver is stuck on the bridge]'' Oh, my. That's not good. That's not good at all. ''[to Gus]'' Good morning there, friend! Looks like you're in a particularly precarious predicament.
:'''Gus''': Call the police! Call the fire department! ''[the truck door fall it open]'' Call everybody!
:'''Cap'n Turbot''': You're in Adventure Bay. ''[shows his phone to Gus]'' Here, we call the PAW Patrol!
:'''Gus''': You're gonna call the who?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ryder''': Chase, it's all up to you. Use the winch in your pup-pack to get the driver and bring him to safety.
:'''Chase''': Chase is on the case! ''[rushes on the bridge to free Gus]'' Arf! Grappling hook!
:''[Chase uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to secures on top on the bridge, he jumps off the bridge, howling and his hook was hanging on top, then he comes down]''
:'''Chase''': Sir, don't be alarmed. I'm coming down!
:'''Gus''': Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! The rescue team is here! ''[sees Chase]'' A ''dog!?''
:'''Chase''': Actually, sir, I'm a puppy.
:'''Gus''': A ''baby dog!?'' That's even worse!
:'''Chase''': You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally. Now, let's get you outta here.
:'''Gus''': No way! I'm waiting right here for a real rescue. ''[the truck lows even more]'' '''''AAH!!!''''' I changed my mind! ''[grabs Chase]'' I'll go with you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[In Adventure City, a Tough Guy eating a donut and throw his trash on a leg of a dachshund named Liberty]''
:'''Liberty''': Huh? Oh, um. ''[to a Tough Guy]'' Hey, excuse me? You dropped something.
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[frustrated]'' I'm done with it! Buzz off, ''wiener dog.''
:'''Liberty''': ''[angered]'' ''Wiener dog''?! Maybe you should just pick that up and put it in the trash!
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah, or what?
:'''Liberty''': Or I'm going to pick you up and put ''you in the trash!'' ''[the passengers gasp that was said to her]'' Hmph!
:'''Tough Guy''': Hey, I don't want no trouble! ''[picks up the trash]'' I'm picking up the trash. I'm picking up the trash!
:'''Liberty''': ''[praises]'' Thank you. We've all got to take pride in our city. Don't ever forget that. ''[hears the subway speaker]'' This is my stop, it's been a slice. ''[leaves the subway train]''
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[to Liberty]'' I'm gonna turn my life around. I really am.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Back in Adventure Bay, an emergency call in the big screen on the Lookout]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Liberty''': What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
:'''Ryder''': Is there something we can help you with?
:'''Liberty''': ''[agreeing]'' Yes, yes, yes! My name is Liberty, and I'm calling in from Adventure City. Something terrible has happened. Humdinger... was just elected ''mayor''!
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Rubble, and Zuma''': ''[shocked]'' '''''HUMDINGER!?!?'''''
:'''Ryder''': He's the worst mayor in the history of mayors!
:'''Rubble''': And that's being generous.
:'''Liberty''': You're telling me, this guy's a disaster! He's going to destroy the whole city! Please, we need your help. Come quickly. ''[ends her call]''
:'''Ryder''': Adventure City's in trouble. Come on pups, pack your things! No city's too big, no pup's too small!
:''[The pups are excited and start howling, but Ryder sees Chase goes into the elevator]''
:'''Ryder''': What's wrong, Chase?
:'''Chase''': I'm not going.
:'''Ryder''': We have to go. They need us.
:'''Chase''': ''[refused]'' I'm ''never'' going back to Adventure City! ''[the elevator brings him down]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[worried]'' Chase...
:'''Marshall''': ''[concerned]'' What's got his leash in a knot?
:'''Ryder''': ''[hesitates]'' Chase has a... ''history'' with Adventure City. He has a lot of tough memories from that place...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Skye''': ''[remarking on the new headquarters]'' How can we afford this place?
:'''Ryder''': ''[holding up a PAW Patrol T-shirt featuring Chase, Marshall and Skye in their original [[w:Guru Studio|Guru Studio]] designs]'' Officially licensed PAW Patrol merchandise. This stuff sells like hot-cakes.

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&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Marshall rescue the passengers on the upside-down subway and Skye brings Chase back to the streets]''
:'''Ryder''': Okay, that's all of them. ''[to the pups]'' Good job, pups. ''[sees Chase]'' Chase.
:'''Chase''': I don't know what happened.
:'''Ryder''': I'm just glad you're okay.
:'''Chase''': ''[sadly]'' I'm sorry.
:'''Ryder''': No, it's my fault. I though you'll be okay in Adventure City. But still too much for you.
:'''Chase''': I'll be fine. I, I just need to...
:'''Ryder''': You're not fine. You need to take a break. We'll take care of the recuses for a while.
:'''Chase''': What?! No, that's not fair.
:'''Ryder''': I'm sorry, Chase. I know it's hard, but it's the way it's gotta be.
: ''[A heartbroken Chase backs away from Ryder, feeling like he can no longer trust him]''
:'''Chase''': ''[angrily]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything would be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
:'''Ryder''': ''[hurt by Chase's words]'' Chase...
:''[Feeling that Ryder betrayed his trust, Chase runs away out of heartbreak]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[runs after Chase]'' Chase, wait!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The pups, Liberty, and Ryder saw the storm in the sky on the window as they got shocked]''
:'''Zuma''': Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
:''[The lightning scares Rubble, as he screams and hides on Liberty and Skye]''
:'''Skye''': ''[sarcastically]'' Rubble.
:'''Rubble''': What? Lightning is frightening.
:''[An emergency call in the big screen and its ringing]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Kendra Wilson''': What's ''the'' emergency?! The mesoscale convective system is causing exponential thermal lift and catastrophic downbursts at over ''190 knots!''
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Zuma, and Liberty''': ''[confused]'' '''''WHAT?!'''''
:'''Rubble''': ''[to Kendra]'' It's a super, bad storm. ''[to the other pups]'' Come on, guys, keep up.
:'''Kendra Wilson''': Finally, ''somebody'' gets me. This is ''not'' a regular storm. It’s being caused by a weather-control device that’s unleashing weeks’ worth of bad weather ''all at once!''
:'''Ryder''': Take cover. We're on our way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[When Marshall and Rocky brings the people to get inside of Humdinger Heights, Rubble is wearing Marty Muckraker's wig]''
:'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[notices Rubble is wearing his wig]'' Hey, that's my hair! Where did you find it?
:'''Rubble''': The hair ''found'' me. It was my destiny.
:'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[yanks his wig from Rubble]'' Well, that's ''my'' signature look! ''[puts his wig on his head]'' Buy your own hair.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The Cloud Catcher is destroyed and the skies are clear again and sunny, Skye falls from the air with joy, then she uses her jet pack to fly to safety, as she landed, the pups are impressed]''
:'''Marshall''': Good job, Skye!
:'''Zuma''': That was totally awesome!
:'''Liberty''': You’re definitely my favorite pup!
:'''Skye''': ''[hopefully]'' I hope Ryder got insurance on my copter.
:''[Skye saw her helicopter was crashed on the ground behind her, Rocky was next, as he looked on it and making her upset]''
:'''Rocky''': That'll buff right out. ''[Skye looked at him in annoyance for he was joking]''
:''[Chase and Ryder comes out of the building and the pups are happy to see them]''
:'''Rubble''': ''[relieved]'' He's okay!
:'''Marshall''': All right!
:''[The other pups tackles Ryder and they licking and hugging him]''
:'''Skye''': ''[to the other male pups]'' Okay, okay, give him some air.
:'''Liberty''': How do you feel?
:'''Ryder''': ''[laughs]'' Covered in drool!
:'''Rubble''': ''[joked]'' I can’t help it, I’m a bulldog! My tongue is ''too'' big for my mouth. See? ''[shows them with his tongue and they started to laugh]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[picks up Chase's hat; to the pups]'' You did good, pups. ''[puts on Chase's hat on his head and he patted him]''
:''[The pups started to howl and they laughed, the citizens are cheering for the PAW Patrol and they come out from Humdinger Heights]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[comes out and trying to escape]'' Time for me to get out of here.
:'''Chase''': ''[angered]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! ''[the PAW Patrol spots Mayor Humdinger, and they started to staring at him]'' You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangerment, and dog-napping.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[to Chase]'' You can’t arrest me! I’m the mayor! ''[laughing and escapes, then his kittens drops them and run away]''
:'''Marshall''': ''[alarmed]'' He's getting away!
:'''Skye''': Arf! Mini-drone! ''[releases her drone in her jet-pack and flies to catch Mayor Humdinger]''
:''[Mayor Humdinger running to escape, but the drone's hook is holding his pants, as it flies on the center by the PAW Patrol and the citizens]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[infuriated]'' Put me down! Nobody makes a fool of Mayor Humdinger five times in the same day!
:''[The hook was on Mayor Humdinger's pants is ripped off and makes him fall, then he shrieks and cover his underpants]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[dismayed]'' Well, this is humiliating.
:'''Butch''': ''[puts Mayor Humdinger's hat to him]'' Here you go, boss.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': That's better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Last lines, Ryder's phone interrupts his speech and gets a call from Harris]''
:'''Harris''': Ryder, something ''big'' is going down at the waterfront. We need the PAW Patrol!
:'''Chase''': ''[to Ryder; along with Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!
:'''Ryder''': ''[to the citizens]'' Sorry, folks. Duty calls.

==Taglines==
* Our fate is in their paws.
* A Nose for Adventure (Chase tagline)
* New Dog, New Tricks (Liberty tagline)
* Can You Dig It? (Rubble tagline)
* She's So Fly (Skye tagline)
* Coming in Hot (Marshall tagline)
* Not Afraid to Get His Paws Dirty (Rocky tagline)
* Diving Into Adventure (Zuma tagline)

==Cast==
* [[w:Iain Armitage|Iain Armitage]] as Chase
* Will Brisbin as Ryder
* [[w:Marsai Martin|Marsai Martin]] as Liberty
* [[w:Ron Pardo|Ron Pardo]] as Mayor Humdinger/Cap'n Turbot
* Keegan Hedley as Rubble
* [[w:Lilly Bartlam|Lilly Bartlam]] as Skye
* Kingsley Marshall as Marshall
* Callum Shoniker as Rocky
* Shayle Simons as Zuma
* [[w:Yara Shahidi|Yara Shahidi]] as Kendra Wilson
* [[w:Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West]] as Delores
* [[Randall Park]] as Butch
* [[w:Dax Shepard|Dax Shepard]] as Ruben
* [[Tyler Perry]] as Gus
* [[Jimmy Kimmel]] as Marty Muckraker
* [[w:Kim Roberts (actress)|Kim Roberts]] as Mayor Goodway
* [[w:Paul Braunstein|Paul Braunstein]] as Tough Guy
* Monique Alvarez as Carmen
* [[w:Jamillah Ross|Jamillah Ross]] as Camerawoman
* [[w:Josh Robert Thompson|Josh Robert Thompson]] as Technician
* Josh Graham as Computer Voice
* [[w:Neil Crone|Neil Crone]] as Tony
* [[w:Joe Pingue|Joe Pingue]] as Barney
* Charlie Gallant as Harris
* Richard Binsley as Rocket
* [[w:Raoul Bhaneja |Raoul Bhaneja]] as Man
* [[w:Saara Chaudry|Saara Chaudry]] as Girl
* Kevin Duhaney as Window Washer
* Eva Olivia as Kitten Catastrophe Crew/Chickaletta

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
[[Category:PAW Patrol]]
[[Category:2021 films]]
[[Category:Canadian films]]
[[Category:2020s American animated films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Animated films about dogs]]
[[Category:Films about children]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated action films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Nickelodeon films]]
[[Category:Films based on animated television series]]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147626</id>
      <parentid>3147613</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T18:37:03Z</timestamp>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="20763" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title|bottom|2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film adaption of the television series directed by Cal Brunker}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
'''''{{w|PAW Patrol: The Movie}}''''' is a 2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] produced by {{w|Nickelodeon Movies}} and distributed by {{w|Paramount Pictures}}. The film stars the voices of {{w|Iain Armitage}}, {{w|Marsai Martin}}, {{w|Ron Pardo}}, {{w|Yara Shahidi}}, {{w|Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West}}, [[Randall Park]], {{w|Dax Shepard}}, with [[Tyler Perry]], and [[Jimmy Kimmel]], introducing {{w|Will Brisbin}}. In the film, Ryder and the pups are called to Adventure City to stop the corrupt rival Mayor Humdinger from turning the bustling metropolis into a state of chaos to face the challenge in order to save the citizens of Adventure City.

:''Directed by [[w:Cal Brunker|Cal Brunker]] and written by [[w:Billy Frolick|Billy Frolick]] and [[w:Bob Barlen|Bob Barlen]]. Based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] by {{w|Keith Chapman}}.''

{{center|'''Our fate is in their paws.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Chase ==
* ''[while facing of his fear to his situation]'' I can do this...
* ''[to Gus]'' You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally.
* ''[to Ryder that he and his friends are going to Adventure City]'' I'm afraid if I go back there, everyone will see I'm still that scared little puppy, and not the hero they think I am.
* ''[when his friends are amazed and he gets terrified as they arrived Adventure City]'' It's a lot... ''bigger'' than I remember.
* ''[first ride with his new rocket-powered police cruiser]'' Oh, I could get used to this!
* ''[sees the citizens trapped in the City Hall balcony on fire]'' Ryder, we've got people trapped on the balcony! I'm going in!
* ''[after Ryder checks him and tells him that he fails his first mission]'' I can't believe I forgot to disconnect my parachute. It's Air Rescue 101.
* ''[backs away from Ryder]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything will be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
* ''[after Ryder tells him about his backstory, then he asks him to go to work and he agrees]'' Ready for action, Ryder, sir.
* ''[Ryder gives him a nice catch by a flying car]'' You can count on me, Ryder.
* ''[driving to save Ryder with his motorcycle]'' I'm coming, Ryder!
* ''[when Mayor Humdinger tries to escape with his kittens, and he catches him]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangerment, and dog-napping.
* ''[after Ryder receives a call from Harris, he, Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!

== Liberty ==
* ''[first call when she is a big fan of the PAW Patrol]'' What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
* ''[running and escapes with the unstable fireworks]'' '''''THIS IS WHY DOGS HATE FIREWORKS!!!'''''
* ''[the PAW Patrol reached and arrived at the City Hall]'' You have reached your destination.
* ''[the photographers are taking pictures to Chase's friends, then she enters and talks to them]'' Hey, hey! Anyone want a picture with me? I'm kind of like an honorary member of the PAW Patrol. You should have seen me out there. I was like, &quot;Turn left, turn right, turn left, turn right!&quot; It was amazing!
* ''[Butch and Ruben caught and thrown her in the van, then she pretends to be captured]'' '''''OH, NO! PLEASE! LET ME GO!!!''''' Don't take me to exactly the same place you took the other dogs, in this white van! License plate number YVP 8624!
* ''[to Delores for embarrassment]'' You talk a lot of trash for a dog that looks like a toilet brush.
* ''[encouraging Chase]'' So? Who cares if you're scared? Heroes get scared all the time. ''['''Chase''': They do?]'' Of course they do. But even through they're scared, they push through and keep going. That's what make them heroes.
* ''[surprising Chase that the wall is wrecked and revealed to be Rubble]'' I brought ''backup''!
* ''[Ryder surprising her to a rocket-powered scooter; calmly]'' Okay, Liberty. Play it cool, play it cool. ''[then she gets excitedly]'' '''''AAH!!! THIS IS AMAZING! IT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!''''' I've never been so happy! It's like my whole life has been building towards this moment! All of my dreams have come true! ''[faints]'' It's so amazing!
* ''[Ryder gives her own pup-tag after they saved Adventure City and she becomes official member of the PAW Patrol]'' I'm official! Hey! Check me out! I'm officially official! Official member of the PAW Patrol, right here!

== Mayor Humdinger ==
* ''[when his top hat is flew away or it gets destroyed]'' My top hat!
* You know, they call this place Adventure City, but what’s so adventure-y about it? The truth is, it’s ''boring''. Libraries? ''[drops the library]'' Boring! Museums? ''[drops the museum]'' Boring! Cute little dog parks? ''[the citizens in awe; sarcastically]'' Ugh, definitely boring! ''[taunting Liberty]'' But don’t worry, I’m gonna put the adventure back in Adventure City! When I’m done with this place, you won’t even recognize it.
* ''[to Butch and Ruben to get rid of the PAW Patrol for necessary]'' I want the PAW Patrol off the streets now! Find them, catch them, and lock them away.
* ''[after Chase puts him under arrest]'' You can't arrest me! I'm the mayor!

== Delores ==
* ''[when Liberty founds Chase and needs him to get out of the obedience school and she gets sarcastically]'' Puh-lease! This scrawny, little purse pup is gonna pull a jailbreak?

== Butch ==
* ''[gives Mayor Humdinger his hat to his defeat]'' Here you go, boss.

== Others ==
*'''Kendra Wilson''': ''[gives a speech about the PAW Patrol saved Adventure City]'' Adventure City is our home. It's up to all of us to take care of it. But once in a while, a group of heroes go above and beyond the call of duty. They look out for their neighbors before they look out for themselves. And they're so darn cute, I just want to squeeze 'em!
*'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[gives a news report about the PAW Patrol's arrival in Adventure City]'' Guardians. Heroes. Cute little dogs and adorable outfits. Whatever you call them, the PAW Patrol were here to save the city from Mayor Humdinger's disastrous fireworks debacle. As a professional journalist, it's important that I remain unbiased. That being said; O''oh, yikes!'' An embarrassing start for Mayor Humdinger, but an incredible debut for the PAW Patrol in Adventure City.
*'''Rubble''': ''[Ryder shows the pups a self serving pup-treat dispenser, he sings angelic and make the other pups laugh]'' What? It's a beautiful thing.
*'''Skye''': ''[when Ryder tells her to be careful while she goes to stop the Cloud Catcher with her helicopter]'' Don't worry about me. I can handle a little ''turbulence''.
*'''Marshall''': ''[jumps off the holograms of the city, then he thrown himself on Rocky and Rubble]'' Next time, warn me before you stick a building up my nose.
*'''Rocky''': [when ''the others got stuck in the traffic, he shouts to the green traffic light]'' '''Green means go! ''Green means go''!''' ''[to Marshall]'' Green does ''still'' mean go, right?
*'''Zuma''': [''the pups, Liberty and Ryder gets shocked and sees Mayor Humdinger's tallest skyscraper building and the big storm in the sky]'' Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
*'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[at the ceremony for the PAW Patrol, he talks to the Tough Guy]'' Me and the PAW Patrol? We go ''way'' back!

== Dialogue ==
:''[First lines, in the Spin Master Entertainment logo, Marshall the firefighting pup enters onscreen, but he tumbles into the Spin Master logo and the logo spins]''
:'''Marshall''': Whoa! I'm okay.
:''[Chase the police pup appears and uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to stop the logo from spinning, then he words &quot;entertainment&quot; appears, as Marshall and Chase look at the audience]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[sees Gus the truck driver is stuck on the bridge]'' Oh, my. That's not good. That's not good at all. ''[to Gus]'' Good morning there, friend! Looks like you're in a particularly precarious predicament.
:'''Gus''': Call the police! Call the fire department! ''[the truck door fall it open]'' Call everybody!
:'''Cap'n Turbot''': You're in Adventure Bay. ''[shows his phone to Gus]'' Here, we call the PAW Patrol!
:'''Gus''': You're gonna call the who?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ryder''': Chase, it's all up to you. Use the winch in your pup-pack to get the driver and bring him to safety.
:'''Chase''': Chase is on the case! ''[rushes on the bridge to free Gus]'' Arf! Grappling hook!
:''[Chase uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to secures on top on the bridge, he jumps off the bridge, howling and his hook was hanging on top, then he comes down]''
:'''Chase''': Sir, don't be alarmed. I'm coming down!
:'''Gus''': Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! The rescue team is here! ''[sees Chase]'' A ''dog!?''
:'''Chase''': Actually, sir, I'm a puppy.
:'''Gus''': A ''baby dog!?'' That's even worse!
:'''Chase''': You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally. Now, let's get you outta here.
:'''Gus''': No way! I'm waiting right here for a real rescue. ''[the truck lows even more]'' '''''AAH!!!''''' I changed my mind! ''[grabs Chase]'' I'll go with you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[In Adventure City, a Tough Guy eating a donut and throw his trash on a leg of a dachshund named Liberty]''
:'''Liberty''': Huh? Oh, um. ''[to a Tough Guy]'' Hey, excuse me? You dropped something.
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[frustrated]'' I'm done with it! Buzz off, ''wiener dog.''
:'''Liberty''': ''[angered]'' ''Wiener dog''?! Maybe you should just pick that up and put it in the trash!
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah, or what?
:'''Liberty''': Or I'm going to pick you up and put ''you in the trash!'' ''[the passengers gasp that was said to her]'' Hmph!
:'''Tough Guy''': Hey, I don't want no trouble! ''[picks up the trash]'' I'm picking up the trash. I'm picking up the trash!
:'''Liberty''': ''[praises]'' Thank you. We've all got to take pride in our city. Don't ever forget that. ''[hears the subway speaker]'' This is my stop, it's been a slice. ''[leaves the subway train]''
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[to Liberty]'' I'm gonna turn my life around. I really am.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Back in Adventure Bay, an emergency call in the big screen on the Lookout]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Liberty''': What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
:'''Ryder''': Is there something we can help you with?
:'''Liberty''': ''[agreeing]'' Yes, yes, yes! My name is Liberty, and I'm calling in from Adventure City. Something terrible has happened. Humdinger... was just elected ''mayor''!
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Rubble, and Zuma''': ''[shocked]'' '''''HUMDINGER!?!?'''''
:'''Ryder''': He's the worst mayor in the history of mayors!
:'''Rubble''': And that's being generous.
:'''Liberty''': You're telling me, this guy's a disaster! He's going to destroy the whole city! Please, we need your help. Come quickly. ''[ends her call]''
:'''Ryder''': Adventure City's in trouble. Come on pups, pack your things! No city's too big, no pup's too small!
:''[The pups are excited and start howling, but Ryder sees Chase goes into the elevator]''
:'''Ryder''': What's wrong, Chase?
:'''Chase''': I'm not going.
:'''Ryder''': We have to go. They need us.
:'''Chase''': ''[refused]'' I'm ''never'' going back to Adventure City! ''[the elevator brings him down]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[worried]'' Chase...
:'''Marshall''': ''[concerned]'' What's got his leash in a knot?
:'''Ryder''': ''[hesitates]'' Chase has a... ''history'' with Adventure City. He has a lot of tough memories from that place...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Skye''': ''[remarking on the new headquarters]'' How can we afford this place?
:'''Ryder''': ''[holding up a PAW Patrol T-shirt featuring Chase, Marshall and Skye in their original [[w:Guru Studio|Guru Studio]] designs]'' Officially licensed PAW Patrol merchandise. This stuff sells like hot-cakes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Marshall rescue the passengers on the upside-down subway and Skye brings Chase back to the streets]''
:'''Ryder''': Okay, that's all of them. ''[to the pups]'' Good job, pups. ''[sees Chase]'' Chase.
:'''Chase''': I don't know what happened.
:'''Ryder''': I'm just glad you're okay.
:'''Chase''': ''[sadly]'' I'm sorry.
:'''Ryder''': No, it's my fault. I though you'll be okay in Adventure City. But still too much for you.
:'''Chase''': I'll be fine. I, I just need to...
:'''Ryder''': You're not fine. You need to take a break. We'll take care of the recuses for a while.
:'''Chase''': What?! No, that's not fair.
:'''Ryder''': I'm sorry, Chase. I know it's hard, but it's the way it's gotta be.
: ''[A heartbroken Chase backs away from Ryder, feeling like he can no longer trust him]''
:'''Chase''': ''[angrily]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything would be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
:'''Ryder''': ''[hurt by Chase's words]'' Chase...
:''[Feeling that Ryder betrayed his trust, Chase runs away out of heartbreak]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[runs after Chase]'' Chase, wait!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The pups, Liberty, and Ryder saw the storm in the sky on the window as they got shocked]''
:'''Zuma''': Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
:''[The lightning scares Rubble, as he screams and hides on Liberty and Skye]''
:'''Skye''': ''[sarcastically]'' Rubble.
:'''Rubble''': What? Lightning is frightening.
:''[An emergency call in the big screen and its ringing]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Kendra Wilson''': What's ''the'' emergency?! The mesoscale convective system is causing exponential thermal lift and catastrophic downbursts at over ''190 knots!''
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Zuma, and Liberty''': ''[confused]'' '''''WHAT?!'''''
:'''Rubble''': ''[to Kendra]'' It's a super, bad storm. ''[to the other pups]'' Come on, guys, keep up.
:'''Kendra Wilson''': Finally, ''somebody'' gets me. This is ''not'' a regular storm. It’s being caused by a weather-control device that’s unleashing weeks’ worth of bad weather ''all at once!''
:'''Ryder''': Take cover. We're on our way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[When Marshall and Rocky brings the people to get inside of Humdinger Heights, Rubble is wearing Marty Muckraker's wig]''
:'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[notices Rubble is wearing his wig]'' Hey, that's my hair! Where did you find it?
:'''Rubble''': The hair ''found'' me. It was my destiny.
:'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[yanks his wig from Rubble]'' Well, that's ''my'' signature look! ''[puts his wig on his head]'' Buy your own hair.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The Cloud Catcher is destroyed and the skies are clear again and sunny, Skye falls from the air with joy, then she uses her jet pack to fly to safety, as she landed, the pups are impressed]''
:'''Marshall''': Good job, Skye!
:'''Zuma''': That was totally awesome!
:'''Liberty''': You’re definitely my favorite pup!
:'''Skye''': ''[hopefully]'' I hope Ryder got insurance on my copter.
:''[Skye saw her helicopter was crashed on the ground behind her, Rocky was next, as he looked on it and making her upset]''
:'''Rocky''': That'll buff right out. ''[Skye looked at him in annoyance for he was joking]''
:''[Chase and Ryder comes out of the building and the pups are happy to see them]''
:'''Rubble''': ''[relieved]'' He's okay!
:'''Marshall''': All right!
:''[The other pups tackles Ryder and they licking and hugging him]''
:'''Skye''': ''[to the other male pups]'' Okay, okay, give him some air.
:'''Liberty''': How do you feel?
:'''Ryder''': ''[laughs]'' Covered in drool!
:'''Rubble''': ''[joked]'' I can’t help it, I’m a bulldog! My tongue is ''too'' big for my mouth. See? ''[shows them with his tongue and they started to laugh]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[picks up Chase's hat; to the pups]'' You did good, pups. ''[puts on Chase's hat on his head and he patted him]''
:''[The pups started to howl and they laughed, the citizens are cheering for the PAW Patrol and they come out from Humdinger Heights]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[comes out and trying to escape]'' Time for me to get out of here.
:'''Chase''': ''[angered]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! ''[the PAW Patrol spots Mayor Humdinger, and they started to staring at him]'' You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangerment, and dog-napping.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[to Chase]'' You can’t arrest me! I’m the mayor! ''[laughing and escapes, then his kittens drops them and run away]''
:'''Marshall''': ''[alarmed]'' He's getting away!
:'''Skye''': Arf! Mini-drone! ''[releases her drone in her jet-pack and flies to catch Mayor Humdinger]''
:''[Mayor Humdinger running to escape, but the drone's hook is holding his pants, as it flies on the center by the PAW Patrol and the citizens]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[infuriated]'' Put me down! Nobody makes a fool of Mayor Humdinger five times in the same day!
:''[The hook was on Mayor Humdinger's pants is ripped off and makes him fall, then he shrieks and cover his underpants]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[dismayed]'' Well, this is humiliating.
:'''Butch''': ''[puts Mayor Humdinger's hat to him]'' Here you go, boss.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': That's better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Last lines, Ryder's phone interrupts his speech and gets a call from Harris]''
:'''Harris''': Ryder, something ''big'' is going down at the waterfront. We need the PAW Patrol!
:'''Chase''': ''[to Ryder; along with Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!
:'''Ryder''': ''[to the citizens]'' Sorry, folks. Duty calls.

==Taglines==
* Our fate is in their paws.
* A Nose for Adventure (Chase tagline)
* New Dog, New Tricks (Liberty tagline)
* Can You Dig It? (Rubble tagline)
* She's So Fly (Skye tagline)
* Coming in Hot (Marshall tagline)
* Not Afraid to Get His Paws Dirty (Rocky tagline)
* Diving Into Adventure (Zuma tagline)

==Cast==
* [[w:Iain Armitage|Iain Armitage]] as Chase
* Will Brisbin as Ryder
* [[w:Marsai Martin|Marsai Martin]] as Liberty
* [[w:Ron Pardo|Ron Pardo]] as Mayor Humdinger/Cap'n Turbot
* Keegan Hedley as Rubble
* [[w:Lilly Bartlam|Lilly Bartlam]] as Skye
* Kingsley Marshall as Marshall
* Callum Shoniker as Rocky
* Shayle Simons as Zuma
* [[w:Yara Shahidi|Yara Shahidi]] as Kendra Wilson
* [[w:Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West]] as Delores
* [[Randall Park]] as Butch
* [[w:Dax Shepard|Dax Shepard]] as Ruben
* [[Tyler Perry]] as Gus
* [[Jimmy Kimmel]] as Marty Muckraker
* [[w:Kim Roberts (actress)|Kim Roberts]] as Mayor Goodway
* [[w:Paul Braunstein|Paul Braunstein]] as Tough Guy
* Monique Alvarez as Carmen
* [[w:Jamillah Ross|Jamillah Ross]] as Camerawoman
* [[w:Josh Robert Thompson|Josh Robert Thompson]] as Technician
* Josh Graham as Computer Voice
* [[w:Neil Crone|Neil Crone]] as Tony
* [[w:Joe Pingue|Joe Pingue]] as Barney
* Charlie Gallant as Harris
* Richard Binsley as Rocket
* [[w:Raoul Bhaneja |Raoul Bhaneja]] as Man
* [[w:Saara Chaudry|Saara Chaudry]] as Girl
* Kevin Duhaney as Window Washer
* Eva Olivia as Kitten Catastrophe Crew/Chickaletta

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
[[Category:PAW Patrol]]
[[Category:2021 films]]
[[Category:Canadian films]]
[[Category:2020s American animated films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Animated films about dogs]]
[[Category:Films about children]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated action films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Nickelodeon films]]
[[Category:Films based on animated television series]]</text>
      <sha1>bt76vvxuzs3q5k5d5dllm7d8g97hdnc</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147628</id>
      <parentid>3147626</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T18:38:36Z</timestamp>
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      <text bytes="20748" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title|bottom|2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film adaption of the television series directed by Cal Brunker}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
'''''{{w|PAW Patrol: The Movie}}''''' is a 2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] produced by {{w|Nickelodeon Movies}} and distributed by {{w|Paramount Pictures}}. The film stars the voices of {{w|Iain Armitage}}, {{w|Marsai Martin}}, {{w|Ron Pardo}}, {{w|Yara Shahidi}}, {{w|Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West}}, [[Randall Park]], {{w|Dax Shepard}}, with [[Tyler Perry]], and [[Jimmy Kimmel]], introducing {{w|Will Brisbin}}. In the film, Ryder and the pups are called to Adventure City to stop the corrupt rival Mayor Humdinger from turning the bustling metropolis into a state of chaos to face the challenge in order to save the citizens of Adventure City.

:''Directed by [[w:Cal Brunker|Cal Brunker]] and written by [[w:Billy Frolick|Billy Frolick]] and [[w:Bob Barlen|Bob Barlen]]. Based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] by {{w|Keith Chapman}}.''

{{center|'''Our fate is in their paws.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Chase ==
* ''[while facing of his fear to his situation]'' I can do this...
* ''[to Gus]'' You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally.
* ''[to Ryder that he and his friends are going to Adventure City]'' I'm afraid if I go back there, everyone will see I'm still that scared little puppy, and not the hero they think I am.
* ''[when his friends are amazed and he gets terrified as they arrived Adventure City]'' It's a lot... ''bigger'' than I remember.
* ''[first ride with his new rocket-powered police cruiser]'' Oh, I could get used to this!
* ''[sees the citizens trapped in the City Hall balcony on fire]'' Ryder, we've got people trapped on the balcony! I'm going in!
* ''[after Ryder checks him and tells him that he fails his first mission]'' I can't believe I forgot to disconnect my parachute. It's Air Rescue 101.
* ''[backs away from Ryder]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything will be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
* ''[after Ryder tells him about his backstory, then he asks him to go to work and he agrees]'' Ready for action, Ryder, sir.
* ''[Ryder gives him a nice catch by a flying car]'' You can count on me, Ryder.
* ''[driving to save Ryder with his motorcycle]'' I'm coming, Ryder!
* ''[when Mayor Humdinger tries to escape with his kittens, and he catches him]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangerment, and dog-napping.
* ''[after Ryder receives a call from Harris, he, Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!

== Liberty ==
* ''[first call when she is a big fan of the PAW Patrol]'' What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
* ''[running and escapes with the unstable fireworks]'' '''''THIS IS WHY DOGS HATE FIREWORKS!!!'''''
* ''[the PAW Patrol reached and arrived at the City Hall]'' You have reached your destination.
* ''[the photographers are taking pictures to Chase's friends, then she enters and talks to them]'' Hey, hey! Anyone want a picture with me? I'm kind of like an honorary member of the PAW Patrol. You should have seen me out there. I was like, &quot;Turn left, turn right, turn left, turn right!&quot; It was amazing!
* ''[Butch and Ruben caught and thrown her in the van, then she pretends to be captured]'' '''''OH, NO! PLEASE! LET ME GO!!!''''' Don't take me to exactly the same place you took the other dogs, in this white van! License plate number YVP 8624!
* ''[to Delores for embarrassment]'' You talk a lot of trash for a dog that looks like a toilet brush.
* ''[encouraging Chase]'' So? Who cares if you're scared? Heroes get scared all the time. ''['''Chase''': They do?]'' Of course they do. But even through they're scared, they push through and keep going. That's what make them heroes.
* ''[surprising Chase that the wall is wrecked and revealed to be Rubble]'' I brought ''backup''!
* ''[Ryder surprising her to a rocket-powered scooter; calmly]'' Okay, Liberty. Play it cool, play it cool. ''[then she gets excitedly]'' '''''AAH!!! THIS IS AMAZING! IT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!''''' I've never been so happy! It's like my whole life has been building towards this moment! All of my dreams have come true! ''[faints]'' It's so amazing!
* ''[Ryder gives her own pup-tag after they saved Adventure City and she becomes official member of the PAW Patrol]'' I'm official! Hey! Check me out! I'm officially official! Official member of the PAW Patrol, right here!

== Mayor Humdinger ==
* ''[when his top hat is flew away or it gets destroyed]'' My top hat!
* You know, they call this place Adventure City, but what’s so adventure-y about it? The truth is, it’s ''boring''. Libraries? ''[drops the library]'' Boring! Museums? ''[drops the museum]'' Boring! Cute little dog parks? ''[the citizens in awe; sarcastically]'' Ugh, definitely boring! ''[taunting Liberty]'' But don’t worry, I’m gonna put the adventure back in Adventure City! When I’m done with this place, you won’t even recognize it.
* ''[to Butch and Ruben to get rid of the PAW Patrol for necessary]'' I want the PAW Patrol off the streets now! Find them, catch them, and lock them away.
* ''[after Chase puts him under arrest]'' You can't arrest me! I'm the mayor!

== Delores ==
* ''[when Liberty founds Chase and needs him to get out of the obedience school and she gets sarcastically]'' Puh-lease! This scrawny, little purse pup is gonna pull a jailbreak?

== Butch ==
* ''[gives Mayor Humdinger his hat to his defeat]'' Here you go, boss.

== Others ==
*'''Kendra Wilson''': ''[gives a speech about the PAW Patrol saved Adventure City]'' Adventure City is our home. It's up to all of us to take care of it. But once in a while, a group of heroes go above and beyond the call of duty. They look out for their neighbors before they look out for themselves. And they're so darn cute, I just want to ''squeeze'' 'em!
*'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[gives a news report about the PAW Patrol's arrival in Adventure City]'' Guardians. Heroes. Cute little dogs and adorable outfits. Whatever you call them, the PAW Patrol were here to save the city from Mayor Humdinger's disastrous fireworks debacle. As a professional journalist, it's important that I remain unbiased. That being said; O''oh, yikes!'' An embarrassing start for Mayor Humdinger, but an incredible debut for the PAW Patrol in Adventure City.
*'''Rubble''': ''[Ryder shows the pups a self serving pup-treat dispenser, he sings angelic and make the other pups laugh]'' What? It's a beautiful thing.
*'''Skye''': ''[when Ryder tells her to be careful while she goes to stop the Cloud Catcher with her helicopter]'' Don't worry about me. I can handle a little ''turbulence''.
*'''Marshall''': ''[jumps off the holograms of the city, then he thrown himself on Rocky and Rubble]'' Next time, warn me before you stick a building up my nose.
*'''Rocky''': [when ''the others got stuck in traffic, he shouts to the traffic light]'' '''Green means go! ''Green means go''!''' ''[to Marshall]'' Green does ''still'' mean go, right?
*'''Zuma''': [''the pups, Liberty and Ryder gets shocked and sees Mayor Humdinger's tallest skyscraper and the big storm in the sky]'' Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
*'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[at the ceremony for the PAW Patrol, he talks to the Tough Guy]'' Me and the PAW Patrol? We go ''way'' back!

== Dialogue ==
:''[First lines, in the Spin Master Entertainment logo, Marshall the firefighting pup enters onscreen, but he tumbles into the Spin Master logo and the logo spins]''
:'''Marshall''': Whoa! I'm okay.
:''[Chase the police pup appears and uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to stop the logo from spinning, then he words &quot;entertainment&quot; appears, as Marshall and Chase look at the audience]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[sees Gus the truck driver is stuck on the bridge]'' Oh, my. That's not good. That's not good at all. ''[to Gus]'' Good morning there, friend! Looks like you're in a particularly precarious predicament.
:'''Gus''': Call the police! Call the fire department! ''[the truck door fall it open]'' Call everybody!
:'''Cap'n Turbot''': You're in Adventure Bay. ''[shows his phone to Gus]'' Here, we call the PAW Patrol!
:'''Gus''': You're gonna call the who?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ryder''': Chase, it's all up to you. Use the winch in your pup-pack to get the driver and bring him to safety.
:'''Chase''': Chase is on the case! ''[rushes on the bridge to free Gus]'' Arf! Grappling hook!
:''[Chase uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to secures on top on the bridge, he jumps off the bridge, howling and his hook was hanging on top, then he comes down]''
:'''Chase''': Sir, don't be alarmed. I'm coming down!
:'''Gus''': Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! The rescue team is here! ''[sees Chase]'' A ''dog!?''
:'''Chase''': Actually, sir, I'm a puppy.
:'''Gus''': A ''baby dog!?'' That's even worse!
:'''Chase''': You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally. Now, let's get you outta here.
:'''Gus''': No way! I'm waiting right here for a real rescue. ''[the truck lows even more]'' '''''AAH!!!''''' I changed my mind! ''[grabs Chase]'' I'll go with you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[In Adventure City, a Tough Guy eating a donut and throw his trash on a leg of a dachshund named Liberty]''
:'''Liberty''': Huh? Oh, um. ''[to a Tough Guy]'' Hey, excuse me? You dropped something.
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[frustrated]'' I'm done with it! Buzz off, ''wiener dog.''
:'''Liberty''': ''[angered]'' ''Wiener dog''?! Maybe you should just pick that up and put it in the trash!
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah, or what?
:'''Liberty''': Or I'm going to pick you up and put ''you in the trash!'' ''[the passengers gasp that was said to her]'' Hmph!
:'''Tough Guy''': Hey, I don't want no trouble! ''[picks up the trash]'' I'm picking up the trash. I'm picking up the trash!
:'''Liberty''': ''[praises]'' Thank you. We've all got to take pride in our city. Don't ever forget that. ''[hears the subway speaker]'' This is my stop, it's been a slice. ''[leaves the subway train]''
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[to Liberty]'' I'm gonna turn my life around. I really am.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Back in Adventure Bay, an emergency call in the big screen on the Lookout]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Liberty''': What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
:'''Ryder''': Is there something we can help you with?
:'''Liberty''': ''[agreeing]'' Yes, yes, yes! My name is Liberty, and I'm calling in from Adventure City. Something terrible has happened. Humdinger... was just elected ''mayor''!
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Rubble, and Zuma''': ''[shocked]'' '''''HUMDINGER!?!?'''''
:'''Ryder''': He's the worst mayor in the history of mayors!
:'''Rubble''': And that's being generous.
:'''Liberty''': You're telling me, this guy's a disaster! He's going to destroy the whole city! Please, we need your help. Come quickly. ''[ends her call]''
:'''Ryder''': Adventure City's in trouble. Come on pups, pack your things! No city's too big, no pup's too small!
:''[The pups are excited and start howling, but Ryder sees Chase goes into the elevator]''
:'''Ryder''': What's wrong, Chase?
:'''Chase''': I'm not going.
:'''Ryder''': We have to go. They need us.
:'''Chase''': ''[refused]'' I'm ''never'' going back to Adventure City! ''[the elevator brings him down]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[worried]'' Chase...
:'''Marshall''': ''[concerned]'' What's got his leash in a knot?
:'''Ryder''': ''[hesitates]'' Chase has a... ''history'' with Adventure City. He has a lot of tough memories from that place...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Skye''': ''[remarking on the new headquarters]'' How can we afford this place?
:'''Ryder''': ''[holding up a PAW Patrol T-shirt featuring Chase, Marshall and Skye in their original [[w:Guru Studio|Guru Studio]] designs]'' Officially licensed PAW Patrol merchandise. This stuff sells like hot-cakes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Marshall rescue the passengers on the upside-down subway and Skye brings Chase back to the streets]''
:'''Ryder''': Okay, that's all of them. ''[to the pups]'' Good job, pups. ''[sees Chase]'' Chase.
:'''Chase''': I don't know what happened.
:'''Ryder''': I'm just glad you're okay.
:'''Chase''': ''[sadly]'' I'm sorry.
:'''Ryder''': No, it's my fault. I though you'll be okay in Adventure City. But still too much for you.
:'''Chase''': I'll be fine. I, I just need to...
:'''Ryder''': You're not fine. You need to take a break. We'll take care of the recuses for a while.
:'''Chase''': What?! No, that's not fair.
:'''Ryder''': I'm sorry, Chase. I know it's hard, but it's the way it's gotta be.
: ''[A heartbroken Chase backs away from Ryder, feeling like he can no longer trust him]''
:'''Chase''': ''[angrily]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything would be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
:'''Ryder''': ''[hurt by Chase's words]'' Chase...
:''[Feeling that Ryder betrayed his trust, Chase runs away out of heartbreak]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[runs after Chase]'' Chase, wait!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The pups, Liberty, and Ryder saw the storm in the sky on the window as they got shocked]''
:'''Zuma''': Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
:''[The lightning scares Rubble, as he screams and hides on Liberty and Skye]''
:'''Skye''': ''[sarcastically]'' Rubble.
:'''Rubble''': What? Lightning is frightening.
:''[An emergency call in the big screen and its ringing]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Kendra Wilson''': What's ''the'' emergency?! The mesoscale convective system is causing exponential thermal lift and catastrophic downbursts at over ''190 knots!''
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Zuma, and Liberty''': ''[confused]'' '''''WHAT?!'''''
:'''Rubble''': ''[to Kendra]'' It's a super, bad storm. ''[to the other pups]'' Come on, guys, keep up.
:'''Kendra Wilson''': Finally, ''somebody'' gets me. This is ''not'' a regular storm. It’s being caused by a weather-control device that’s unleashing weeks’ worth of bad weather ''all at once!''
:'''Ryder''': Take cover. We're on our way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[When Marshall and Rocky brings the people to get inside of Humdinger Heights, Rubble is wearing Marty Muckraker's wig]''
:'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[notices Rubble is wearing his wig]'' Hey, that's my hair! Where did you find it?
:'''Rubble''': The hair ''found'' me. It was my destiny.
:'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[yanks his wig from Rubble]'' Well, that's ''my'' signature look! ''[puts his wig on his head]'' Buy your own hair.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The Cloud Catcher is destroyed and the skies are clear again and sunny, Skye falls from the air with joy, then she uses her jet pack to fly to safety, as she landed, the pups are impressed]''
:'''Marshall''': Good job, Skye!
:'''Zuma''': That was totally awesome!
:'''Liberty''': You’re definitely my favorite pup!
:'''Skye''': ''[hopefully]'' I hope Ryder got insurance on my copter.
:''[Skye saw her helicopter was crashed on the ground behind her, Rocky was next, as he looked on it and making her upset]''
:'''Rocky''': That'll buff right out. ''[Skye looked at him in annoyance for he was joking]''
:''[Chase and Ryder comes out of the building and the pups are happy to see them]''
:'''Rubble''': ''[relieved]'' He's okay!
:'''Marshall''': All right!
:''[The other pups tackles Ryder and they licking and hugging him]''
:'''Skye''': ''[to the other male pups]'' Okay, okay, give him some air.
:'''Liberty''': How do you feel?
:'''Ryder''': ''[laughs]'' Covered in drool!
:'''Rubble''': ''[joked]'' I can’t help it, I’m a bulldog! My tongue is ''too'' big for my mouth. See? ''[shows them with his tongue and they started to laugh]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[picks up Chase's hat; to the pups]'' You did good, pups. ''[puts on Chase's hat on his head and he patted him]''
:''[The pups started to howl and they laughed, the citizens are cheering for the PAW Patrol and they come out from Humdinger Heights]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[comes out and trying to escape]'' Time for me to get out of here.
:'''Chase''': ''[angered]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! ''[the PAW Patrol spots Mayor Humdinger, and they started to staring at him]'' You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangerment, and dog-napping.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[to Chase]'' You can’t arrest me! I’m the mayor! ''[laughing and escapes, then his kittens drops them and run away]''
:'''Marshall''': ''[alarmed]'' He's getting away!
:'''Skye''': Arf! Mini-drone! ''[releases her drone in her jet-pack and flies to catch Mayor Humdinger]''
:''[Mayor Humdinger running to escape, but the drone's hook is holding his pants, as it flies on the center by the PAW Patrol and the citizens]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[infuriated]'' Put me down! Nobody makes a fool of Mayor Humdinger five times in the same day!
:''[The hook was on Mayor Humdinger's pants is ripped off and makes him fall, then he shrieks and cover his underpants]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[dismayed]'' Well, this is humiliating.
:'''Butch''': ''[puts Mayor Humdinger's hat to him]'' Here you go, boss.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': That's better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Last lines, Ryder's phone interrupts his speech and gets a call from Harris]''
:'''Harris''': Ryder, something ''big'' is going down at the waterfront. We need the PAW Patrol!
:'''Chase''': ''[to Ryder; along with Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!
:'''Ryder''': ''[to the citizens]'' Sorry, folks. Duty calls.

==Taglines==
* Our fate is in their paws.
* A Nose for Adventure (Chase tagline)
* New Dog, New Tricks (Liberty tagline)
* Can You Dig It? (Rubble tagline)
* She's So Fly (Skye tagline)
* Coming in Hot (Marshall tagline)
* Not Afraid to Get His Paws Dirty (Rocky tagline)
* Diving Into Adventure (Zuma tagline)

==Cast==
* [[w:Iain Armitage|Iain Armitage]] as Chase
* Will Brisbin as Ryder
* [[w:Marsai Martin|Marsai Martin]] as Liberty
* [[w:Ron Pardo|Ron Pardo]] as Mayor Humdinger/Cap'n Turbot
* Keegan Hedley as Rubble
* [[w:Lilly Bartlam|Lilly Bartlam]] as Skye
* Kingsley Marshall as Marshall
* Callum Shoniker as Rocky
* Shayle Simons as Zuma
* [[w:Yara Shahidi|Yara Shahidi]] as Kendra Wilson
* [[w:Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West]] as Delores
* [[Randall Park]] as Butch
* [[w:Dax Shepard|Dax Shepard]] as Ruben
* [[Tyler Perry]] as Gus
* [[Jimmy Kimmel]] as Marty Muckraker
* [[w:Kim Roberts (actress)|Kim Roberts]] as Mayor Goodway
* [[w:Paul Braunstein|Paul Braunstein]] as Tough Guy
* Monique Alvarez as Carmen
* [[w:Jamillah Ross|Jamillah Ross]] as Camerawoman
* [[w:Josh Robert Thompson|Josh Robert Thompson]] as Technician
* Josh Graham as Computer Voice
* [[w:Neil Crone|Neil Crone]] as Tony
* [[w:Joe Pingue|Joe Pingue]] as Barney
* Charlie Gallant as Harris
* Richard Binsley as Rocket
* [[w:Raoul Bhaneja |Raoul Bhaneja]] as Man
* [[w:Saara Chaudry|Saara Chaudry]] as Girl
* Kevin Duhaney as Window Washer
* Eva Olivia as Kitten Catastrophe Crew/Chickaletta

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
[[Category:PAW Patrol]]
[[Category:2021 films]]
[[Category:Canadian films]]
[[Category:2020s American animated films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Animated films about dogs]]
[[Category:Films about children]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated action films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Nickelodeon films]]
[[Category:Films based on animated television series]]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147633</id>
      <parentid>3147628</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T18:43:52Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>112.203.220.63</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="20726" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title|bottom|2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film adaption of the television series directed by Cal Brunker}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
'''''{{w|PAW Patrol: The Movie}}''''' is a 2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] produced by {{w|Nickelodeon Movies}} and distributed by {{w|Paramount Pictures}}. The film stars the voices of {{w|Iain Armitage}}, {{w|Marsai Martin}}, {{w|Ron Pardo}}, {{w|Yara Shahidi}}, {{w|Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West}}, [[Randall Park]], {{w|Dax Shepard}}, with [[Tyler Perry]], and [[Jimmy Kimmel]], introducing {{w|Will Brisbin}}. In the film, Ryder and the pups are called to Adventure City to stop the corrupt rival Mayor Humdinger from turning the bustling metropolis into a state of chaos to face the challenge in order to save the citizens of Adventure City.

:''Directed by [[w:Cal Brunker|Cal Brunker]] and written by [[w:Billy Frolick|Billy Frolick]] and [[w:Bob Barlen|Bob Barlen]]. Based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] by {{w|Keith Chapman}}.''

{{center|'''Our fate is in their paws.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Chase ==
* ''[while facing of his fear to his situation]'' I can do this...
* ''[to Gus]'' You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally.
* ''[to Ryder that he and his friends are going to Adventure City]'' I'm afraid if I go back there, everyone will see I'm still that scared little puppy, and not the hero they think I am.
* ''[when his friends are amazed and he gets terrified as they arrived Adventure City]'' It's a lot... ''bigger'' than I remember.
* ''[first ride with his new rocket-powered police cruiser]'' Oh, I could get used to this!
* ''[sees the citizens trapped in the City Hall balcony on fire]'' Ryder, we've got people trapped on the balcony! I'm going in!
* ''[after Ryder checks him and tells him that he fails his first mission]'' I can't believe I forgot to disconnect my parachute. It's Air Rescue 101.
* ''[backs away from Ryder]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything will be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
* ''[after Ryder tells him about his backstory, then he asks him to go to work and he agrees]'' Ready for action, Ryder, sir.
* ''[Ryder gives him a nice catch by a flying car]'' You can count on me, Ryder.
* ''[driving to save Ryder with his motorcycle]'' I'm coming, Ryder!
* ''[when Mayor Humdinger tries to escape with his kittens, and he catches him]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangerment, and dog-napping.
* ''[after Ryder receives a call from Harris, he, Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!

== Liberty ==
* ''[first call when she is a big fan of the PAW Patrol]'' What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
* ''[running and escapes with the unstable fireworks]'' '''''THIS IS WHY DOGS HATE FIREWORKS!!!'''''
* ''[the PAW Patrol reached and arrived at the City Hall]'' You have reached your destination.
* ''[the photographers are taking pictures to Chase's friends, then she enters and talks to them]'' Hey, hey! Anyone want a picture with me? I'm kind of like an honorary member of the PAW Patrol. You should have seen me out there. I was like, &quot;Turn left, turn right, turn left, turn right!&quot; It was amazing!
* ''[Butch and Ruben caught and thrown her in the van, then she pretends to be captured]'' '''''OH, NO! PLEASE! LET ME GO!!!''''' Don't take me to exactly the same place you took the other dogs, in this white van! License plate number YVP 8624!
* ''[to Delores for embarrassment]'' You talk a lot of trash for a dog that looks like a toilet brush.
* ''[encouraging Chase]'' So? Who cares if you're scared? Heroes get scared all the time. ''['''Chase''': They do?]'' Of course they do. But even through they're scared, they push through and keep going. That's what make them heroes.
* ''[surprising Chase that the wall is wrecked and revealed to be Rubble]'' I brought ''backup''!
* ''[Ryder surprising her to a rocket-powered scooter; calmly]'' Okay, Liberty. Play it cool, play it cool. ''[then she gets excitedly]'' '''''AAH!!! THIS IS AMAZING! IT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!''''' I've never been so happy! It's like my whole life has been building towards this moment! All of my dreams have come true! ''[faints]'' It's so amazing!
* ''[Ryder gives her own pup-tag after they saved Adventure City and she becomes official member of the PAW Patrol]'' I'm official! Hey! Check me out! I'm officially official! Official member of the PAW Patrol, right here!

== Mayor Humdinger ==
* ''[when his top hat is flew away or it gets destroyed]'' My top hat!
* You know, they call this place Adventure City, but what’s so adventure-y about it? The truth is, it’s ''boring''. Libraries? ''[drops the library]'' Boring! Museums? ''[drops the museum]'' Boring! Cute little dog parks? ''[the citizens in awe; sarcastically]'' Ugh, definitely boring! ''[taunting Liberty]'' But don’t worry, I’m gonna put the adventure back in Adventure City! When I’m done with this place, you won’t even recognize it.
* ''[to Butch and Ruben to get rid of the PAW Patrol for necessary]'' I want the PAW Patrol off the streets now! Find them, catch them, and lock them away.
* ''[after Chase puts him under arrest]'' You can't arrest me! I'm the mayor!

== Delores ==
* ''[when Liberty founds Chase and needs him to get out of the obedience school and she gets sarcastically]'' Puh-lease! This scrawny, little purse pup is gonna pull a jailbreak?

== Butch ==
* ''[gives Mayor Humdinger his hat to his defeat]'' Here you go, boss.

== Others ==
*'''Kendra Wilson''': ''[gives a speech about the PAW Patrol saved Adventure City]'' Adventure City is our home. It's up to all of us to take care of it. But once in a while, a group of heroes go above and beyond the call of duty. They look out for their neighbors before they look out for themselves. And they're so darn cute, I just want to ''squeeze'' 'em!
*'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[gives a news report about the PAW Patrol's arrival in Adventure City]'' Guardians. Heroes. Cute little dogs and adorable outfits. Whatever you call them, the PAW Patrol were here to save the city from Mayor Humdinger's disastrous fireworks debacle. As a professional journalist, it's important that I remain unbiased. That being said; O''oh, yikes!'' An embarrassing start for Mayor Humdinger, but an incredible debut for the PAW Patrol in Adventure City.
*'''Rubble''': ''[Ryder shows the pups a self serving pup-treat dispenser, he sings angelic and make the other pups laugh]'' What? It's a beautiful thing.
*'''Skye''': ''[when Ryder tells her to be careful while she goes to stop the Cloud Catcher with her helicopter]'' Don't worry about me. I can handle a little ''turbulence''.
*'''Marshall''': ''[jumps off the holograms of the city, then he thrown himself on Rocky and Rubble]'' Next time, warn me before you stick a building up my nose.
*'''Rocky''': [when ''the others got stuck in traffic, he shouts to the traffic light]'' '''Green means go! ''Green means go''!''' ''[to Marshall]'' Green does ''still'' mean go, right?
*'''Zuma''': [''the pups, Liberty and Ryder gets shocked and sees Mayor Humdinger's tallest skyscraper and the big storm in the sky]'' Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
*'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[at the ceremony for the PAW Patrol, he talks to the Tough Guy]'' Me and the PAW Patrol? We go ''way'' back!

== Dialogue ==
:''[First lines, in the Spin Master Entertainment logo, Marshall the firefighting pup enters onscreen, but he tumbles into the Spin Master logo and the logo spins]''
:'''Marshall''': Whoa! I'm okay.
:''[Chase the police pup appears and uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to stop the logo from spinning, then he words &quot;entertainment&quot; appears, as Marshall and Chase look at the audience]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[sees Gus the truck driver is stuck on the bridge]'' Oh, my. That's not good. That's not good at all. ''[to Gus]'' Good morning there, friend! Looks like you're in a particularly precarious predicament.
:'''Gus''': Call the police! Call the fire department! ''[the truck door fall it open]'' Call everybody!
:'''Cap'n Turbot''': You're in Adventure Bay. ''[shows his phone to Gus]'' Here, we call the PAW Patrol!
:'''Gus''': You're gonna call the who?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ryder''': Chase, it's all up to you. Use the winch in your pup-pack to get the driver and bring him to safety.
:'''Chase''': Chase is on the case! ''[rushes on the bridge to free Gus]'' Arf! Grappling hook!
:''[Chase uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to secures on top on the bridge, he jumps off the bridge, howling and his hook was hanging on top, then he comes down]''
:'''Chase''': Sir, don't be alarmed. I'm coming down!
:'''Gus''': Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! The rescue team is here! ''[sees Chase]'' A ''dog!?''
:'''Chase''': Actually, sir, I'm a puppy.
:'''Gus''': A ''baby dog!?'' That's even worse!
:'''Chase''': You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally. Now, let's get you outta here.
:'''Gus''': No way! I'm waiting right here for a real rescue. ''[the truck lows even more]'' '''''AAH!!!''''' I changed my mind! ''[grabs Chase]'' I'll go with you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[In Adventure City, a Tough Guy eating a donut and throw his trash on a leg of a dachshund named Liberty]''
:'''Liberty''': Huh? Oh, um. ''[to a Tough Guy]'' Hey, excuse me? You dropped something.
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[frustrated]'' I'm done with it! Buzz off, ''wiener dog.''
:'''Liberty''': ''[angered]'' ''Wiener dog''?! Maybe you should just pick that up and put it in the trash!
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah, or what?
:'''Liberty''': Or I'm going to pick you up and put ''you in the trash!'' ''[the passengers gasp that was said to her]'' Hmph!
:'''Tough Guy''': Hey, I don't want no trouble! ''[picks up the trash]'' I'm picking up the trash. I'm picking up the trash!
:'''Liberty''': ''[praises]'' Thank you. We've all got to take pride in our city. Don't ever forget that. ''[hears the subway speaker]'' This is my stop, it's been a slice. ''[leaves the subway train]''
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[to Liberty]'' I'm gonna turn my life around. I really am.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Back in Adventure Bay, an emergency call in the big screen on the Lookout]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Liberty''': What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
:'''Ryder''': Is there something we can help you with?
:'''Liberty''': ''[agreeing]'' Yes, yes, yes! My name is Liberty, and I'm calling in from Adventure City. Something terrible has happened. Humdinger... was just elected ''mayor''!
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Rubble, and Zuma''': ''[shocked]'' '''''HUMDINGER!?!?'''''
:'''Ryder''': He's the worst mayor in the history of mayors!
:'''Rubble''': And that's being generous.
:'''Liberty''': You're telling me, this guy's a disaster! He's going to destroy the whole city! Please, we need your help. Come quickly. ''[ends her call]''
:'''Ryder''': Adventure City's in trouble. Come on pups, pack your things! No city's too big, no pup's too small!
:''[The pups are excited and start howling, but Ryder sees Chase goes into the elevator]''
:'''Ryder''': What's wrong, Chase?
:'''Chase''': I'm not going.
:'''Ryder''': We have to go. They need us.
:'''Chase''': ''[refused]'' I'm ''never'' going back to Adventure City! ''[the elevator brings him down]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[worried]'' Chase...
:'''Marshall''': ''[concerned]'' What's got his leash in a knot?
:'''Ryder''': ''[hesitates]'' Chase has a... ''history'' with Adventure City. He has a lot of tough memories from that place...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Skye''': ''[remarking on the new headquarters]'' How can we afford this place?
:'''Ryder''': ''[holding up a PAW Patrol T-shirt featuring Chase, Marshall and Skye in their original [[w:Guru Studio|Guru Studio]] designs]'' Officially licensed PAW Patrol merchandise. This stuff sells like hot-cakes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Marshall rescue the passengers on the upside-down subway and Skye brings Chase back to the streets]''
:'''Ryder''': Okay, that's all of them. ''[to the pups]'' Good job, pups. ''[sees Chase]'' Chase.
:'''Chase''': I don't know what happened.
:'''Ryder''': I'm just glad you're okay.
:'''Chase''': ''[sadly]'' I'm sorry.
:'''Ryder''': No, it's my fault. I though you'll be okay in Adventure City. But still too much for you.
:'''Chase''': I'll be fine. I, I just need to...
:'''Ryder''': You're not fine. You need to take a break. We'll take care of the recuses for a while.
:'''Chase''': What?! No, that's not fair.
:'''Ryder''': I'm sorry, Chase. I know it's hard, but it's the way it's gotta be.
: ''[A heartbroken Chase backs away from Ryder, feeling like he can no longer trust him]''
:'''Chase''': ''[angrily]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything would be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
:'''Ryder''': ''[hurt by Chase's words]'' Chase...
:''[Feeling that Ryder betrayed his trust, Chase runs away out of heartbreak]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[runs after Chase]'' Chase, wait!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The pups, Liberty, and Ryder saw the storm in the sky on the window as they got shocked]''
:'''Zuma''': Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
:''[The lightning scares Rubble, as he screams and hides on Liberty and Skye]''
:'''Skye''': ''[sarcastically]'' Rubble.
:'''Rubble''': What? Lightning is frightening.
:''[An emergency call in the big screen and its ringing]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Kendra Wilson''': What's ''the'' emergency?! The mesoscale convective system is causing exponential thermal lift and catastrophic downbursts at over ''190 knots!''
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Zuma, and Liberty''': ''[confused]'' '''''WHAT?!'''''
:'''Rubble''': ''[to Kendra]'' It's a super, bad storm. ''[to the other pups]'' Come on, guys, keep up.
:'''Kendra Wilson''': Finally, ''somebody'' gets me. This is ''not'' a regular storm. It’s being caused by a weather-control device that’s unleashing weeks’ worth of bad weather ''all at once!''
:'''Ryder''': Take cover. We're on our way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[When Marshall and Rocky brings the people to get inside of Humdinger Heights, Rubble is wearing Marty Muckraker's wig]''
:'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[notices Rubble is wearing his wig]'' Hey, that's my hair! Where did you find it?
:'''Rubble''': The hair ''found'' me. It was my destiny.
:'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[yanks his wig from Rubble]'' Well, that's ''my'' signature look! ''[puts his wig on his head]'' Buy your own hair.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The Cloud Catcher is destroyed and the skies are clear again and sunny, Skye falls from the air with joy, then she uses her jet-pack to fly to safety, as she landed, the pups are impressed]''
:'''Marshall''': Good job, Skye!
:'''Zuma''': That was totally awesome!
:'''Liberty''': You’re definitely my favorite pup!
:'''Skye''': ''[hopefully]'' I hope Ryder got insurance on my copter.
:''[Skye saw her helicopter was crashed on the ground behind her, Rocky was next, as he looked on it and making her upset]''
:'''Rocky''': That'll buff right out. ''[Skye looked at him in annoyance for he was joking]''
:''[Chase and Ryder comes out of the building and the pups are happy to see them]''
:'''Rubble''': ''[relieved]'' He's okay!
:'''Marshall''': All right!
:''[The other pups tackles Ryder and they licking and hugging him]''
:'''Skye''': ''[to the other male pups]'' Okay, okay, give him some air.
:'''Liberty''': [''concerned]'' How do you feel?
:'''Ryder''': ''[laughs]'' Covered in drool!
:'''Rubble''': ''[joked]'' I can’t help it, I’m a bulldog! My tongue is ''too'' big for my mouth. See? ''[shows them with his tongue and they started to laugh]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[picks up Chase's hat; to the pups]'' You did good, pups. ''[puts on Chase's hat on his head and he patted him]''
:''[The pups started to howl and they laughed, the citizens are cheering for the PAW Patrol and they come out from Humdinger Heights]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[comes out and trying to escape]'' Time for me to get out of here.
:'''Chase''': ''[angered]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! ''[the PAW Patrol spots Mayor Humdinger, and they started to staring at him]'' You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangerment, and dog-napping.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[to Chase]'' You can’t arrest me! I’m the mayor! ''[laughing and escapes, then his kittens drops them and run away]''
:'''Marshall''': ''[alarmed]'' He's getting away!
:'''Skye''': Arf! Mini-drone! ''[releases her drone in her jet-pack and flies to catch Mayor Humdinger]''
:''[Mayor Humdinger running to escape, but the drone's hook is holding his pants, as it flies on the center by the PAW Patrol and the citizens]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[infuriated]'' Put me down! Nobody makes a fool of Mayor Humdinger five times in the same day!
:''[The hook was on Mayor Humdinger's pants is ripped off and makes him fall, then he shrieks and cover his underpants]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[dismayed]'' Well, this is humiliating.
:'''Butch''': ''[puts Mayor Humdinger's hat to him]'' Here you go, boss.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': That's better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Closing lines, Ryder's phone interrupts his speech and gets a call from Harris and tells him that there is trouble at the waterfront]''
:
:'''Chase''': ''[to Ryder; along with Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!
:'''Ryder''': ''[to the citizens]'' Sorry, folks. Duty calls.

==Taglines==
* Our fate is in their paws.
* A Nose for Adventure (Chase tagline)
* New Dog, New Tricks (Liberty tagline)
* Can You Dig It? (Rubble tagline)
* She's So Fly (Skye tagline)
* Coming in Hot (Marshall tagline)
* Not Afraid to Get His Paws Dirty (Rocky tagline)
* Diving Into Adventure (Zuma tagline)

==Cast==
* [[w:Iain Armitage|Iain Armitage]] as Chase
* Will Brisbin as Ryder
* [[w:Marsai Martin|Marsai Martin]] as Liberty
* [[w:Ron Pardo|Ron Pardo]] as Mayor Humdinger/Cap'n Turbot
* Keegan Hedley as Rubble
* [[w:Lilly Bartlam|Lilly Bartlam]] as Skye
* Kingsley Marshall as Marshall
* Callum Shoniker as Rocky
* Shayle Simons as Zuma
* [[w:Yara Shahidi|Yara Shahidi]] as Kendra Wilson
* [[w:Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West]] as Delores
* [[Randall Park]] as Butch
* [[w:Dax Shepard|Dax Shepard]] as Ruben
* [[Tyler Perry]] as Gus
* [[Jimmy Kimmel]] as Marty Muckraker
* [[w:Kim Roberts (actress)|Kim Roberts]] as Mayor Goodway
* [[w:Paul Braunstein|Paul Braunstein]] as Tough Guy
* Monique Alvarez as Carmen
* [[w:Jamillah Ross|Jamillah Ross]] as Camerawoman
* [[w:Josh Robert Thompson|Josh Robert Thompson]] as Technician
* Josh Graham as Computer Voice
* [[w:Neil Crone|Neil Crone]] as Tony
* [[w:Joe Pingue|Joe Pingue]] as Barney
* Charlie Gallant as Harris
* Richard Binsley as Rocket
* [[w:Raoul Bhaneja |Raoul Bhaneja]] as Man
* [[w:Saara Chaudry|Saara Chaudry]] as Girl
* Kevin Duhaney as Window Washer
* Eva Olivia as Kitten Catastrophe Crew/Chickaletta

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
[[Category:PAW Patrol]]
[[Category:2021 films]]
[[Category:Canadian films]]
[[Category:2020s American animated films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Animated films about dogs]]
[[Category:Films about children]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated action films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Nickelodeon films]]
[[Category:Films based on animated television series]]</text>
      <sha1>7853cxh84supfbwa4xtl9a0yaozazto</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147644</id>
      <parentid>3147633</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T18:52:56Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>112.203.220.63</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="20728" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title|bottom|2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film adaption of the television series directed by Cal Brunker}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
'''''{{w|PAW Patrol: The Movie}}''''' is a 2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] produced by {{w|Nickelodeon Movies}} and distributed by {{w|Paramount Pictures}}. The film stars the voices of {{w|Iain Armitage}}, {{w|Marsai Martin}}, {{w|Ron Pardo}}, {{w|Yara Shahidi}}, {{w|Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West}}, [[Randall Park]], {{w|Dax Shepard}}, with [[Tyler Perry]], and [[Jimmy Kimmel]], introducing {{w|Will Brisbin}}. In the film, Ryder and the pups are called to Adventure City to stop the corrupt rival Mayor Humdinger from turning the bustling metropolis into a state of chaos to face the challenge in order to save the citizens of Adventure City.

:''Directed by [[w:Cal Brunker|Cal Brunker]] and written by [[w:Billy Frolick|Billy Frolick]] and [[w:Bob Barlen|Bob Barlen]]. Based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] by {{w|Keith Chapman}}.''

{{center|'''Our fate is in their paws.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Chase ==
* ''[while facing of his fear to his situation]'' I can do this...
* ''[to Gus]'' You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally.
* ''[to Ryder that he and his friends are going to Adventure City]'' I'm afraid if I go back there, everyone will see I'm still that scared little puppy, and not the hero they think I am.
* ''[when his friends are amazed and he gets terrified as they arrived Adventure City]'' It's a lot... ''bigger'' than I remember.
* ''[first ride with his new rocket-powered police cruiser]'' Oh, I could get used to this!
* ''[sees the citizens trapped in the City Hall balcony on fire]'' Ryder, we've got people trapped on the balcony! I'm going in!
* ''[after Ryder checks him and tells him that he fails his first mission]'' I can't believe I forgot to disconnect my parachute. It's Air Rescue 101.
* ''[backs away from Ryder]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything will be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
* ''[after Ryder tells him about his backstory, then he asks him to go to work and he agrees]'' Ready for action, Ryder, sir.
* ''[Ryder gives him a nice catch by a flying car]'' You can count on me, Ryder.
* ''[driving to save Ryder with his motorcycle]'' I'm coming, Ryder!
* ''[when Mayor Humdinger tries to escape with his kittens, and he catches him]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangerment, and dog-napping.
* ''[after Ryder receives a call from Harris, he, Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!

== Liberty ==
* ''[first call when she is a big fan of the PAW Patrol]'' What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
* ''[running and escapes with the unstable fireworks]'' '''''THIS IS WHY DOGS HATE FIREWORKS!!!'''''
* ''[the PAW Patrol reached and arrived at the City Hall]'' You have reached your destination.
* ''[the photographers are taking pictures to Chase's friends, then she enters and talks to them]'' Hey, hey! Anyone want a picture with me? I'm kind of like an honorary member of the PAW Patrol. You should have seen me out there. I was like, &quot;Turn left, turn right, turn left, turn right!&quot; It was amazing!
* ''[Butch and Ruben caught and thrown her in the van, then she pretends to be captured]'' '''''OH, NO! PLEASE! LET ME GO!!!''''' Don't take me to exactly the same place you took the other dogs, in this white van! License plate number YVP 8624!
* ''[to Delores for embarrassment]'' You talk a lot of trash for a dog that looks like a toilet brush.
* ''[encouraging Chase]'' So? Who cares if you're scared? Heroes get scared all the time. ''['''Chase''': They do?]'' Of course they do. But even through they're scared, they push through and keep going. That's what make them heroes.
* ''[surprising Chase that the wall is wrecked and revealed to be Rubble]'' I brought ''backup''!
* ''[Ryder surprising her to a rocket-powered scooter; calmly]'' Okay, Liberty. Play it cool, play it cool. ''[then she gets excitedly]'' '''''AAH!!! THIS IS AMAZING! IT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!''''' I've never been so happy! It's like my whole life has been building towards this moment! All of my dreams have come true! ''[faints]'' It's so amazing!
* ''[Ryder gives her own pup-tag after they saved Adventure City and she becomes official member of the PAW Patrol]'' I'm official! Hey! Check me out! I'm officially official! Official member of the PAW Patrol, right here!

== Mayor Humdinger ==
* ''[when his top hat is flew away or it gets destroyed]'' My top hat!
* You know, they call this place Adventure City, but what’s so adventure-y about it? The truth is, it’s ''boring''. Libraries? ''[drops the library]'' Boring! Museums? ''[drops the museum]'' Boring! Cute little dog parks? ''[the citizens in awe; sarcastically]'' Ugh, definitely boring! ''[taunting Liberty]'' But don’t worry, I’m gonna put the adventure back in Adventure City! When I’m done with this place, you won’t even recognize it.
* ''[to Butch and Ruben to get rid of the PAW Patrol for necessary]'' I want the PAW Patrol off the streets now! Find them, catch them, and lock them away.
* ''[after Chase puts him under arrest]'' You can't arrest me! I'm the mayor!

== Delores ==
* ''[when Liberty founds Chase and needs him to get out of the obedience school and she gets sarcastically]'' Puh-lease! This scrawny, little purse pup is gonna pull a jailbreak?

== Butch ==
* ''[gives Mayor Humdinger his hat to his defeat]'' Here you go, boss.

== Others ==
*'''Kendra Wilson''': ''[gives a speech about the PAW Patrol saved Adventure City]'' Adventure City is our home. It's up to all of us to take care of it. But once in a while, a group of heroes go above and beyond the call of duty. They look out for their neighbors before they look out for themselves. And they're so darn cute, I just want to ''squeeze'' 'em!
*'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[gives a news report about the PAW Patrol's arrival in Adventure City]'' Guardians. Heroes. Cute little dogs and adorable outfits. Whatever you call them, the PAW Patrol were here to save the city from Mayor Humdinger's disastrous fireworks debacle. As a professional journalist, it's important that I remain unbiased. That being said; O''oh, yikes!'' An embarrassing start for Mayor Humdinger, but an incredible debut for the PAW Patrol in Adventure City.
*'''Rubble''': ''[Ryder shows the pups a self serving pup-treat dispenser, he sings angelic and make the other pups laugh]'' What? It's a beautiful thing.
*'''Skye''': ''[when Ryder tells her to be careful while she goes to stop the Cloud Catcher with her helicopter]'' Don't worry about me. I can handle a little ''turbulence''.
*'''Marshall''': ''[jumps off the holograms of the city, then he thrown himself on Rocky and Rubble]'' Next time, warn me before you stick a building up my nose.
*'''Rocky''': [when ''the others got stuck in traffic, he shouts to the traffic light]'' '''Green means go! ''Green means go''!''' ''[to Marshall]'' Green does ''still'' mean go, right?
*'''Zuma''': [''the pups, Liberty and Ryder gets shocked and sees Mayor Humdinger's tallest skyscraper and the big storm in the sky]'' Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
*'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[at the ceremony for the PAW Patrol, he talks to the Tough Guy]'' Me and the PAW Patrol? We go ''way'' back!

== Dialogue ==
:''[First lines, in the Spin Master Entertainment logo, Marshall the firefighting pup enters onscreen, but he tumbles into the Spin Master logo and the logo spins]''
:'''Marshall''': Whoa! I'm okay.
:''[Chase the police pup appears and uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to stop the logo from spinning, then he words &quot;entertainment&quot; appears, as Marshall and Chase look at the audience]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[sees Gus the truck driver is stuck on the bridge]'' Oh, my. That's not good. That's not good at all. ''[to Gus]'' Good morning there, friend! Looks like you're in a particularly precarious predicament.
:'''Gus''': Call the police! Call the fire department! ''[the truck door fall it open]'' Call everybody!
:'''Cap'n Turbot''': You're in Adventure Bay. ''[shows his phone to Gus]'' Here, we call the PAW Patrol!
:'''Gus''': You're gonna call the who?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ryder''': Chase, it's all up to you. Use the winch in your pup-pack to get the driver and bring him to safety.
:'''Chase''': Chase is on the case! ''[rushes on the bridge to free Gus]'' Arf! Grappling hook!
:''[Chase uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to secures on top on the bridge, he jumps off the bridge, howling and his hook was hanging on top, then he comes down]''
:'''Chase''': Sir, don't be alarmed. I'm coming down!
:'''Gus''': Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! The rescue team is here! ''[sees Chase]'' A ''dog!?''
:'''Chase''': Actually, sir, I'm a puppy.
:'''Gus''': A ''baby dog!?'' That's even worse!
:'''Chase''': You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally. Now, let's get you outta here.
:'''Gus''': No way! I'm waiting right here for a real rescue. ''[the truck lows even more]'' '''''AAH!!!''''' I changed my mind! ''[grabs Chase]'' I'll go with you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[In Adventure City, a Tough Guy eating a donut and throw his trash on a leg of a dachshund named Liberty]''
:'''Liberty''': Huh? Oh, um. ''[to a Tough Guy]'' Hey, excuse me? You dropped something.
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[frustrated]'' I'm done with it! Buzz off, ''wiener dog.''
:'''Liberty''': ''[angered]'' ''Wiener dog''?! Maybe you should just pick that up and put it in the trash!
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah, or what?
:'''Liberty''': Or I'm going to pick you up and put ''you in the trash!'' ''[the passengers gasp that was said to her]'' Hmph!
:'''Tough Guy''': Hey, I don't want no trouble! ''[picks up the trash]'' I'm picking up the trash. I'm picking up the trash!
:'''Liberty''': ''[praises]'' Thank you. We've all got to take pride in our city. Don't ever forget that. ''[hears the subway speaker]'' This is my stop, it's been a slice. ''[leaves the subway train]''
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[to Liberty]'' I'm gonna turn my life around. I really am.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Back in Adventure Bay, an emergency call in the big screen on the Lookout]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Liberty''': What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
:'''Ryder''': Is there something we can help you with?
:'''Liberty''': ''[agreeing]'' Yes, yes, yes! My name is Liberty, and I'm calling in from Adventure City. Something terrible has happened. Humdinger... was just elected ''mayor''!
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Rubble, and Zuma''': ''[shocked]'' '''''HUMDINGER!?!?'''''
:'''Ryder''': He's the worst mayor in the history of mayors!
:'''Rubble''': And that's being generous.
:'''Liberty''': You're telling me, this guy's a disaster! He's going to destroy the whole city! Please, we need your help. Come quickly. ''[ends her call]''
:'''Ryder''': Adventure City's in trouble. Come on pups, pack your things! No city's too big, no pup's too small!
:''[The pups are excited and start howling, but Ryder sees Chase goes into the elevator]''
:'''Ryder''': What's wrong, Chase?
:'''Chase''': I'm not going.
:'''Ryder''': We have to go. They need us.
:'''Chase''': ''[refused]'' I'm ''never'' going back to Adventure City! ''[the elevator brings him down]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[worried]'' Chase...
:'''Marshall''': ''[concerned]'' What's got his leash in a knot?
:'''Ryder''': ''[hesitates]'' Chase has a... ''history'' with Adventure City. He has a lot of tough memories from that place...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Skye''': ''[remarking on the new headquarters]'' How can we afford this place?
:'''Ryder''': ''[holding up a PAW Patrol T-shirt featuring Chase, Marshall and Skye in their original [[w:Guru Studio|Guru Studio]] designs]'' Officially licensed PAW Patrol merchandise. This stuff sells like hot-cakes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Marshall rescue the passengers on the upside-down subway and Skye brings Chase back to the streets]''
:'''Ryder''': Okay, that's all of them. ''[to the pups]'' Good job, pups. ''[sees Chase]'' Chase.
:'''Chase''': I don't know what happened.
:'''Ryder''': I'm just glad you're okay.
:'''Chase''': ''[sadly]'' I'm sorry.
:'''Ryder''': No, it's my fault. I though you'll be okay in Adventure City. But still too much for you.
:'''Chase''': I'll be fine. I, I just need to...
:'''Ryder''': You're not fine. You need to take a break. We'll take care of the recuses for a while.
:'''Chase''': What? No, that's not fair.
:'''Ryder''': I'm sorry, Chase. I know it's hard, but it's the way it's gotta be.
: ''[A heartbroken Chase backs away from Ryder, feeling like he can no longer trust him]''
:'''Chase''': ''[angrily]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything would be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
:'''Ryder''': ''[hurt by Chase's words]'' Chase...
:''[Feeling that Ryder betrayed his trust, Chase runs away out of heartbreak]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[runs after Chase]'' Chase, wait!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The pups, Liberty, and Ryder saw the storm in the sky on the window as they got shocked]''
:'''Zuma''': Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
:''[The lightning scares Rubble, as he screams and hides on Liberty and Skye]''
:'''Skye''': ''[sarcastically]'' Rubble.
:'''Rubble''': What? Lightning is frightening.
:''[An emergency call in the big screen and its ringing]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Kendra Wilson''': What's ''the'' emergency?! The mesoscale convective system is causing exponential thermal lift and catastrophic downbursts at over ''190 knots!''
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Zuma, and Liberty''': ''[confused]'' '''''WHAT?!'''''
:'''Rubble''': ''[to Kendra]'' It's a super, bad storm. ''[to the other pups]'' Come on, guys, keep up.
:'''Kendra Wilson''': Finally, ''somebody'' gets me. This is ''not'' a regular storm. It’s being caused by a weather-control device that’s unleashing weeks’ worth of bad weather ''all at once!''
:'''Ryder''': Take cover. We're on our way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[When Marshall and Rocky brings the people to get inside of Humdinger Heights, Rubble is wearing Marty Muckraker's wig]''
:'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[notices Rubble is wearing his wig]'' Hey, that's my hair! Where did you find it?
:'''Rubble''': The hair ''found'' me. It was my destiny.
:'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[yanks his wig from Rubble]'' Well, that's ''my'' signature look! ''[puts his wig on his head]'' Buy your own hair.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The Cloud Catcher is destroyed and the skies are clear again and sunny, Skye falls from the air with joy, then she uses her jet-pack to fly to safety, as she landed, the pups are impressed]''
:'''Marshall''': Good job, Skye!
:'''Zuma''': That was totally awesome!
:'''Liberty''': You’re definitely my favorite pup!
:'''Skye''': ''[hopefully]'' I hope Ryder got insurance on my copter.
:''[Skye saw her helicopter was crashed on the ground behind her, Rocky was next, as he looked on it and making her upset]''
:'''Rocky''': That'll buff right out. ''[Skye looked at him in annoyance for he was joking]''
:''[Chase and Ryder comes out of the building and the pups are happy to see them]''
:'''Rubble''': ''[relieved]'' He's okay!
:'''Marshall''': All right!
:''[The other pups tackles Ryder and they licking and hugging him]''
:'''Skye''': ''[to the other male pups]'' Okay, okay, give him some air.
:'''Liberty''': [''concerned]'' How do you feel?
:'''Ryder''': ''[laughs]'' Covered in drool!
:'''Rubble''': ''[joked]'' I can’t help it, I’m a bulldog! My tongue is ''too'' big for my mouth. See? ''[shows them with his tongue and they started to laugh]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[picks up Chase's hat; to the pups]'' You did good, pups. ''[puts on Chase's hat on his head and he patted him]''
:''[The pups started to howl and they laughed, the citizens are cheering for the PAW Patrol and they come out from Humdinger Heights]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[comes out and trying to escape]'' Time for me to get out of here.
:'''Chase''': ''[angered]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! ''[the PAW Patrol spots Mayor Humdinger, and they started to staring at him]'' You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangermnt, and dog-napping.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[to Chase]'' You can’t arrest me! I’m the mayor! ''[laughing and escapes, then his kittens drops them and run away]''
:'''Marshall''': ''[alarmed]'' He's getting away!
:'''Skye''': Arf! Mini-drone! ''[releases her drone in her jet-pack and flies to catch Mayor Humdinger]''
:''[Mayor Humdinger running to escape, but the drone's hook is holding his pants, as it flies on the center by the PAW Patrol and the citizens]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[infuriated]'' Put me down! Nobody makes a fool of Mayor Humdinger five times in the same day!
:''[The hook was on Mayor Humdinger's pants is ripped off and makes him fall, then he shrieks and cover his underpants]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[dismayed]'' Well, this is humiliating.
:'''Butch''': ''[puts Mayor Humdinger's hat to him]'' Here you go, boss.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': That's better.
:

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Closing lines, Ryder's phone interrupts his speech and gets a call from Harris and tells him that there is trouble at the waterfront]''
:
:
:'''Chase''': ''[to Ryder; along with Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!
:'''Ryder''': ''[to the citizens]'' Sorry, folks. Duty calls.

==Taglines==
* Our fate is in their paws.
* A Nose for Adventure (Chase tagline)
* New Dog, New Tricks (Liberty tagline)
* Can You Dig It? (Rubble tagline)
* She's So Fly (Skye tagline)
* Coming in Hot (Marshall tagline)
* Not Afraid to Get His Paws Dirty (Rocky tagline)
* Diving Into Adventure (Zuma tagline)

==Cast==
* [[w:Iain Armitage|Iain Armitage]] as Chase
* Will Brisbin as Ryder
* [[w:Marsai Martin|Marsai Martin]] as Liberty
* [[w:Ron Pardo|Ron Pardo]] as Mayor Humdinger/Cap'n Turbot
* Keegan Hedley as Rubble
* [[w:Lilly Bartlam|Lilly Bartlam]] as Skye
* Kingsley Marshall as Marshall
* Callum Shoniker as Rocky
* Shayle Simons as Zuma
* [[w:Yara Shahidi|Yara Shahidi]] as Kendra Wilson
* [[w:Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West]] as Delores
* [[Randall Park]] as Butch
* [[w:Dax Shepard|Dax Shepard]] as Ruben
* [[Tyler Perry]] as Gus
* [[Jimmy Kimmel]] as Marty Muckraker
* [[w:Kim Roberts (actress)|Kim Roberts]] as Mayor Goodway
* [[w:Paul Braunstein|Paul Braunstein]] as Tough Guy
* Monique Alvarez as Carmen
* [[w:Jamillah Ross|Jamillah Ross]] as Camerawoman
* [[w:Josh Robert Thompson|Josh Robert Thompson]] as Technician
* Josh Graham as Computer Voice
* [[w:Neil Crone|Neil Crone]] as Tony
* [[w:Joe Pingue|Joe Pingue]] as Barney
* Charlie Gallant as Harris
* Richard Binsley as Rocket
* [[w:Raoul Bhaneja |Raoul Bhaneja]] as Man
* [[w:Saara Chaudry|Saara Chaudry]] as Girl
* Kevin Duhaney as Window Washer
* Eva Olivia as Kitten Catastrophe Crew/Chickaletta

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
[[Category:PAW Patrol]]
[[Category:2021 films]]
[[Category:Canadian films]]
[[Category:2020s American animated films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Animated films about dogs]]
[[Category:Films about children]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated action films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Nickelodeon films]]
[[Category:Films based on animated television series]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3147650</id>
      <parentid>3147644</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T18:58:39Z</timestamp>
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      <text bytes="20705" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title|bottom|2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film adaption of the television series directed by Cal Brunker}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
'''''{{w|PAW Patrol: The Movie}}''''' is a 2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] produced by {{w|Nickelodeon Movies}} and distributed by {{w|Paramount Pictures}}. The film stars the voices of {{w|Iain Armitage}}, {{w|Marsai Martin}}, {{w|Ron Pardo}}, {{w|Yara Shahidi}}, {{w|Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West}}, [[Randall Park]], {{w|Dax Shepard}}, with [[Tyler Perry]], and [[Jimmy Kimmel]], introducing {{w|Will Brisbin}}. In the film, Ryder and the pups are called to Adventure City to stop the corrupt rival Mayor Humdinger from turning the bustling metropolis into a state of chaos to face the challenge in order to save the citizens of Adventure City.

:''Directed by [[w:Cal Brunker|Cal Brunker]] and written by [[w:Billy Frolick|Billy Frolick]] and [[w:Bob Barlen|Bob Barlen]]. Based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] by {{w|Keith Chapman}}.''

{{center|'''Our fate is in their paws.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Chase ==
* ''[while facing of his fear to his situation]'' I can do this...
* ''[to Gus]'' You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally.
* ''[to Ryder that he and his friends are going to Adventure City]'' I'm afraid if I go back there, everyone will see I'm still that scared little puppy, and not the hero they think I am.
* ''[when his friends are amazed and he gets terrified as they arrived Adventure City]'' It's a lot... ''bigger'' than I remember.
* ''[first ride with his new rocket-powered police cruiser]'' Oh, I could get used to this!
* ''[sees the citizens trapped in the City Hall balcony on fire]'' Ryder, we've got people trapped on the balcony! I'm going in!
* ''[after Ryder checks him and tells him that he fails his first mission]'' I can't believe I forgot to disconnect my parachute. It's Air Rescue 101.
* ''[backs away from Ryder]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything will be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
* ''[after Ryder tells him about his backstory, then he asks him to go to work and he agrees]'' Ready for action, Ryder, sir.
* ''[Ryder gives him a nice catch by a flying car]'' You can count on me, Ryder.
* ''[driving to save Ryder with his motorcycle]'' I'm coming, Ryder!
* ''[when Mayor Humdinger tries to escape with his kittens, and he catches him]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangerment, and dog-napping.
* ''[after Ryder receives a call from Harris, he, Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!

== Liberty ==
* ''[first call when she is a big fan of the PAW Patrol]'' What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
* ''[running and escapes with the unstable fireworks]'' '''''THIS IS WHY DOGS HATE FIREWORKS!!!'''''
* ''[the PAW Patrol reached and arrived at the City Hall]'' You have reached your destination.
* ''[the photographers are taking pictures to Chase's friends, then she enters and talks to them]'' Hey, hey! Anyone want a picture with me? I'm kind of like an honorary member of the PAW Patrol. You should have seen me out there. I was like, &quot;Turn left, turn right, turn left, turn right!&quot; It was amazing!
* ''[Butch and Ruben caught and thrown her in the van, then she pretends to be captured]'' '''''OH, NO! PLEASE! LET ME GO!!!''''' Don't take me to exactly the same place you took the other dogs, in this white van! License plate number YVP 8624!
* ''[to Delores for embarrassment]'' You talk a lot of trash for a dog that looks like a toilet brush.
* ''[encouraging Chase]'' So? Who cares if you're scared? Heroes get scared all the time. ''['''Chase''': They do?]'' Of course they do. But even through they're scared, they push through and keep going. That's what make them heroes.
* ''[surprising Chase that the wall is wrecked and revealed to be Rubble]'' I brought ''backup''!
* ''[Ryder surprising her to a rocket-powered scooter; calmly]'' Okay, Liberty. Play it cool, play it cool. ''[then she gets excitedly]'' '''''AAH!!! THIS IS AMAZING! IT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!''''' I've never been so happy! It's like my whole life has been building towards this moment! All of my dreams have come true! ''[faints]'' It's so amazing!
* ''[Ryder gives her own pup-tag after they saved Adventure City and she becomes official member of the PAW Patrol]'' I'm official! Hey! Check me out! I'm officially official! Official member of the PAW Patrol, right here!

== Mayor Humdinger ==
* ''[when his top hat is flew away or it gets destroyed]'' My top hat!
* You know, they call this place Adventure City, but what’s so adventure-y about it? The truth is, it’s ''boring''. Libraries? ''[drops the library]'' Boring! Museums? ''[drops the museum]'' Boring! Cute little dog parks? ''[the citizens in awe; sarcastically]'' Ugh, definitely boring! ''[taunting Liberty]'' But don’t worry, I’m gonna put the adventure back in Adventure City! When I’m done with this place, you won’t even recognize it.
* ''[to Butch and Ruben to get rid of the PAW Patrol for necessary]'' I want the PAW Patrol off the streets now! Find them, catch them, and lock them away.
* ''[after Chase puts him under arrest]'' You can't arrest me! I'm the mayor!

== Delores ==
* ''[when Liberty founds Chase and needs him to get out of the obedience school and she gets sarcastically]'' Puh-lease! This scrawny, little purse pup is gonna pull a jailbreak?

== Butch ==
* ''[gives Mayor Humdinger his hat to his defeat]'' Here you go, boss.

== Others ==
*'''Kendra Wilson''': ''[gives a speech about the PAW Patrol saved Adventure City]'' Adventure City is our home. It's up to all of us to take care of it. But once in a while, a group of heroes go above and beyond the call of duty. They look out for their neighbors before they look out for themselves. And they're so darn cute, I just want to ''squeeze'' 'em!
*'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[gives a news report about the PAW Patrol's arrival in Adventure City]'' Guardians. Heroes. Cute little dogs and adorable outfits. Whatever you call them, the PAW Patrol were here to save the city from Mayor Humdinger's disastrous fireworks debacle. As a professional journalist, it's important that I remain unbiased. That being said; O''oh, yikes!'' An embarrassing start for Mayor Humdinger, but an incredible debut for the PAW Patrol in Adventure City.
*'''Rubble''': ''[Ryder shows the pups a self serving pup-treat dispenser, he sings angelic and make the other pups laugh]'' What? It's a beautiful thing.
*'''Skye''': ''[when Ryder tells her to be careful while she goes to stop the Cloud Catcher with her helicopter]'' Don't worry about me. I can handle a little ''turbulence''.
*'''Marshall''': ''[jumps off the holograms of the city, then he thrown himself on Rocky and Rubble]'' Next time, warn me before you stick a building up my nose.
*'''Rocky''': [when ''the others got stuck in traffic, he shouts to the traffic light]'' '''Green means go! ''Green means go''!''' ''[to Marshall]'' Green does ''still'' mean go, right?
*'''Zuma''': [''the pups, Liberty and Ryder gets shocked and sees Mayor Humdinger's tallest skyscraper and the big storm in the sky]'' Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
*'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[at the ceremony for the PAW Patrol, he talks to the Tough Guy]'' Me and the PAW Patrol? We go ''way'' back!

== Dialogue ==
:''[First lines, in the Spin Master Entertainment logo, Marshall the firefighting pup enters onscreen, but he tumbles into the Spin Master logo and the logo spins]''
:'''Marshall''': Whoa! I'm okay.
:''[Chase the police pup appears and uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to stop the logo from spinning, then he words &quot;entertainment&quot; appears, as Marshall and Chase look at the audience]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[sees Gus the truck driver is stuck on the bridge]'' Oh, my. That's not good. That's not good at all. ''[to Gus]'' Good morning there, friend! Looks like you're in a particularly precarious predicament.
:'''Gus''': Call the police! Call the fire department! ''[the truck door fall it open]'' Call everybody!
:'''Cap'n Turbot''': You're in Adventure Bay. ''[shows his phone to Gus]'' Here, we call the PAW Patrol!
:'''Gus''': You're gonna call the who?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ryder''': Chase, it's all up to you. Use the winch in your pup-pack to get the driver and bring him to safety.
:'''Chase''': Chase is on the case! ''[rushes on the bridge to free Gus]'' Arf! Grappling hook!
:''[Chase uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to secures on top on the bridge, he jumps off the bridge, howling and his hook was hanging on top, then he comes down]''
:'''Chase''': Sir, don't be alarmed. I'm coming down!
:'''Gus''': Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! The rescue team is here! ''[sees Chase]'' A ''dog!?''
:'''Chase''': Actually, sir, I'm a puppy.
:'''Gus''': A ''baby dog!?'' That's even worse!
:'''Chase''': You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally. Now, let's get you outta here.
:'''Gus''': No way! I'm waiting right here for a real rescue. ''[the truck lows even more]'' '''''AAH!!!''''' I changed my mind! ''[grabs Chase]'' I'll go with you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[In Adventure City, a Tough Guy eating a donut and throw his trash on a leg of a dachshund named Liberty]''
:'''Liberty''': Huh? Oh, um. ''[to a Tough Guy]'' Hey, excuse me? You dropped something.
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[frustrated]'' I'm done with it! Buzz off, ''wiener dog.''
:'''Liberty''': ''[angered]'' ''Wiener dog''?! Maybe you should just pick that up and put it in the trash!
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah, or what?
:'''Liberty''': Or I'm going to pick you up and put ''you in the trash!'' ''[the passengers gasp that was said to her]'' Hmph!
:'''Tough Guy''': Hey, I don't want no trouble! ''[picks up the trash]'' I'm picking up the trash. I'm picking up the trash!
:'''Liberty''': ''[praises]'' Thank you. We've all got to take pride in our city. Don't ever forget that. ''[hears the subway speaker]'' This is my stop, it's been a slice. ''[leaves the subway train]''
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[to Liberty]'' I'm gonna turn my life around. I really am.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Back in Adventure Bay, an emergency call in the big screen on the Lookout]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Liberty''': What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
:'''Ryder''': Is there something we can help you with?
:'''Liberty''': ''[agreeing]'' Yes, yes, yes! My name is Liberty, and I'm calling in from Adventure City. Something terrible has happened. Humdinger... was just elected ''mayor''!
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Rubble, and Zuma''': ''[shocked]'' '''''HUMDINGER!?!?'''''
:'''Ryder''': He's the worst mayor in the history of mayors!
:'''Rubble''': And that's being generous.
:'''Liberty''': You're telling me, this guy's a disaster! He's going to destroy the whole city! Please, we need your help. Come quickly. ''[ends her call]''
:'''Ryder''': Adventure City's in trouble. Come on pups, pack your things! No city's too big, no pup's too small!
:''[The pups are excited and start howling, but Ryder sees Chase goes into the elevator]''
:'''Ryder''': What's wrong, Chase?
:'''Chase''': I'm not going.
:'''Ryder''': We have to go. They need us.
:'''Chase''': ''[refused]'' I'm ''never'' going back to Adventure City! ''[the elevator brings him down]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[worried]'' Chase...
:'''Marshall''': ''[concerned]'' What's got his leash in a knot?
:'''Ryder''': ''[hesitates]'' Chase has a... ''history'' with Adventure City. He has a lot of tough memories from that place...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Skye''': ''[remarking on the new headquarters]'' How can we afford this place?
:'''Ryder''': ''[holding up a PAW Patrol T-shirt featuring Chase, Marshall and Skye in their original [[w:Guru Studio|Guru Studio]] designs]'' Officially licensed PAW Patrol merchandise. This stuff sells like hot-cakes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Marshall rescue the passengers on the upside-down subway and Skye brings Chase back to the streets]''
:'''Ryder''': Okay, that's all of them. ''[to the pups]'' Good job, pups. ''[sees Chase]'' Chase.
:'''Chase''': I don't know what happened.
:'''Ryder''': I'm just glad you're okay.
:'''Chase''': ''[sadly]'' I'm sorry.
:'''Ryder''': No, it's my fault. I though you'll be okay in Adventure City. But still too much for you.
:'''Chase''': I'll be fine. I, I just need to...
:'''Ryder''': You're not fine. You need to take a break. We'll take care of the recuses for a while.
:'''Chase''': What? No, that's not fair.
:'''Ryder''': I'm sorry, Chase. I know it's hard, but it's the way it's gotta be.
: ''[A heartbroken Chase backs away from Ryder, feeling like he can no longer trust him]''
:'''Chase''': ''[angrily]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything would be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
:'''Ryder''': ''[hurt by Chase's words]'' Chase...
:''[Feeling that Ryder betrayed his trust, Chase runs away out of heartbreak]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[runs after Chase]'' Chase, wait!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The pups, Liberty, and Ryder saw the storm in the sky on the window as they got shocked]''
:'''Zuma''': Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
:''[The lightning scares Rubble, as he screams and hides on Liberty and Skye]''
:'''Skye''': ''[sarcastically]'' Rubble.
:'''Rubble''': What? Lightning is frightening.
:''[An emergency call in the big screen and its ringing]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Kendra Wilson''': What's ''the'' emergency?! The mesoscale convective system is causing exponential thermal lift and catastrophic downbursts at over ''190 knots!''
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Zuma, and Liberty''': ''[confused]'' '''''WHAT?!'''''
:'''Rubble''': ''[to Kendra]'' It's a super, bad storm. ''[to the other pups]'' Come on, guys, keep up.
:'''Kendra Wilson''': Finally, ''somebody'' gets me. This is ''not'' a regular storm. It’s being caused by a weather-control device that’s unleashing weeks’ worth of bad weather ''all at once!''
:'''Ryder''': Take cover. We're on our way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[When Marshall and Rocky brings the people to get inside of Humdinger Heights, Rubble is wearing Marty Muckraker's wig]''
:'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[notices Rubble is wearing his wig]'' Hey, that's my hair! Where did you find it?
:'''Rubble''': The hair ''found'' me. It was my destiny.
:'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[yanks his wig from Rubble]'' Well, that's ''my'' signature look! ''[puts his wig on his head]'' Buy your own hair.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The Cloud Catcher is destroyed and the skies are clear again and sunny, Skye falls from the air with joy, then she uses her jet-pack to fly to safety, as she landed, the pups are impressed]''
:'''Marshall''': Good job, Skye!
:'''Zuma''': That was totally awesome!
:'''Liberty''': You’re definitely my favorite pup!
:'''Skye''': ''[hopefully]'' I hope Ryder got insurance on my copter.
:''[Skye saw her helicopter was crashed on the ground behind her, Rocky was next, as he looked on it and making her upset]''
:'''Rocky''': That'll buff right out. ''[Skye looked at him in annoyance for he was joking]''
:''[Chase and Ryder comes out of the building and the pups are happy to see them]''
:'''Rubble''': ''[relieved]'' He's okay!
:'''Marshall''': All right!
:''[The other pups tackles Ryder and they licking and hugging him]''
:'''Skye''': ''[to the other male pups]'' Okay, okay, give him some air.
:'''Liberty''': [''concerned]'' How do you feel?
:'''Ryder''': ''[laughs]'' Covered in drool!
:'''Rubble''': ''[joked]'' I can’t help it, I’m a bulldog! My tongue is ''too'' big for my mouth. See? ''[shows them with his tongue and they started to laugh]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[picks up Chase's hat; to the pups]'' You did good, pups. ''[puts on Chase's hat on his head and he patted him]''
:''[The pups started to howl and they laughed, the citizens are cheering for the PAW Patrol and they come out from Humdinger Heights]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[comes out and trying to escape]'' Time for me to get out of here.
:'''Chase''': ''[angered]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! ''[the PAW Patrol spots Mayor Humdinger, and they started to staring at him]'' You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangermnt, and dog-napping.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[to Chase]'' You can’t arrest me! I’m the mayor! ''[laughing and escapes, then his kittens drops them and run away]''
:'''Marshall''': ''[alarmed]'' He's getting away!
:'''Skye''': Arf! Mini-drone! ''[releases her drone in her jet-pack and flies to catch Mayor Humdinger]''
:''[Mayor Humdinger running to escape, but the drone's hook is holding his pants, as it flies on the center by the PAW Patrol and the citizens]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[infuriated]'' Put me down! Nobody makes a fool of Mayor Humdinger five times in the same day!
:''[The hook was on Mayor Humdinger's pants is ripped off and makes him fall, then he shrieks and cover his underpants]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[dismayed]'' Well, this is humiliating.
:'''Butch''': ''[puts Mayor Humdinger's hat to him]'' Here you go, boss.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': That's better.
:

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Closing lines, Ryder's phone interrupts his speech and gets a call from Harris and tells him that there is trouble at the waterfront]''
:
:
:'''Chase''': ''[to Ryder; along with Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!
:'''Ryder''': ''[to the citizens]'' Sorry, folks. Duty calls.

==Taglines==
* Our fate is in their paws.
* A Nose for Adventure (Chase tagline)
* New Dog, New Tricks (Liberty tagline)
* Can You Dig It? (Rubble tagline)
* She's So Fly (Skye tagline)
* Coming in Hot (Marshall tagline)
* Not Afraid to Get His Paws Dirty (Rocky tagline)
* Diving Into Adventure (Zuma tagline)

==Voice Cast==
* [[w:Iain Armitage|Iain Armitage]] - Chase
* Will Brisbin - Ryder
* [[w:Marsai Martin|Marsai Martin]] - Liberty
* [[w:Ron Pardo|Ron Pardo]] - Mayor Humdinger/Cap'n Turbot
* Keegan Hedley - Rubble
* [[w:Lilly Bartlam|Lilly Bartlam]] - Skye
* Kingsley Marshall - Marshall
* Callum Shoniker - Rocky
* Shayle Simons - Zuma
* [[w:Yara Shahidi|Yara Shahidi]] - Kendra Wilson
* [[w:Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West]] - Delores
* [[Randall Park]] - Butch
* [[w:Dax Shepard|Dax Shepard]] - Ruben
* [[Tyler Perry]] - Gus
* [[Jimmy Kimmel]] - Marty Muckraker
* [[w:Kim Roberts (actress)|Kim Roberts]] - Mayor Goodway
* [[w:Paul Braunstein|Paul Braunstein]] - Tough Guy
* Monique Alvarez - Carmen
* [[w:Jamillah Ross|Jamillah Ross]] - Camerawoman
* [[w:Josh Robert Thompson|Josh Robert Thompson]] - Technician
* Josh Graham - Computer Voice
* [[w:Neil Crone|Neil Crone]] - Tony
* [[w:Joe Pingue|Joe Pingue]] - Barney
* Charlie Gallant - Harris
* Richard Binsley - Rocket
* [[w:Raoul Bhaneja |Raoul Bhaneja]] - Man
* [[w:Saara Chaudry|Saara Chaudry]] - Girl
* Kevin Duhaney - Window Washer
* Eva Olivia - Kitten Catastrophe Crew/Chickaletta

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
[[Category:PAW Patrol]]
[[Category:2021 films]]
[[Category:Canadian films]]
[[Category:2020s American animated films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Animated films about dogs]]
[[Category:Films about children]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated action films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Nickelodeon films]]
[[Category:Films based on animated television series]]</text>
      <sha1>rh1suz5m261m1tmqmoffiqjyaro246b</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147651</id>
      <parentid>3147650</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T19:02:20Z</timestamp>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="20707" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title|bottom|2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film adaption of the television series directed by Cal Brunker}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
'''''{{w|PAW Patrol: The Movie}}''''' is a 2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] produced by {{w|Nickelodeon Movies}} and distributed by {{w|Paramount Pictures}}. The film stars the voices of {{w|Iain Armitage}}, {{w|Marsai Martin}}, {{w|Ron Pardo}}, {{w|Yara Shahidi}}, {{w|Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West}}, [[Randall Park]], {{w|Dax Shepard}}, with [[Tyler Perry]], and [[Jimmy Kimmel]], introducing {{w|Will Brisbin}}. In the film, Ryder and the pups are called to Adventure City to stop the corrupt rival Mayor Humdinger from turning the bustling metropolis into a state of chaos to face the challenge in order to save the citizens of Adventure City.

:''Directed by [[w:Cal Brunker|Cal Brunker]] and written by [[w:Billy Frolick|Billy Frolick]] and [[w:Bob Barlen|Bob Barlen]]. Based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] by {{w|Keith Chapman}}.''

{{center|'''Our fate is in their paws.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Chase ==
* ''[while facing of his fear to his situation]'' I can do this...
* ''[to Gus]'' You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally.
* ''[to Ryder that he and his friends are going to Adventure City]'' I'm afraid if I go back there, everyone will see I'm still that scared little puppy, and not the hero they think I am.
* ''[when his friends are amazed and he gets terrified as they arrived Adventure City]'' It's a lot... ''bigger'' than I remember.
* ''[first ride with his new rocket-powered police cruiser]'' Oh, I could get used to this!
* ''[sees the citizens trapped in the City Hall balcony on fire]'' Ryder, we've got people trapped on the balcony! I'm going in!
* ''[after Ryder checks him and tells him that he fails his first mission]'' I can't believe I forgot to disconnect my parachute. It's Air Rescue 101.
* ''[backs away from Ryder]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything will be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
* ''[after Ryder tells him about his backstory, then he asks him to go to work and he agrees]'' Ready for action, Ryder, sir.
* ''[Ryder gives him a nice catch by a flying car]'' You can count on me, Ryder.
* ''[driving to save Ryder with his motorcycle]'' I'm coming, Ryder!
* ''[when Mayor Humdinger tries to escape with his kittens, and he catches him]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangerment, and dog-napping.
* ''[after Ryder receives a call from Harris, he, Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!

== Liberty ==
* ''[first call when she is a big fan of the PAW Patrol]'' What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
* ''[running and escapes with the unstable fireworks]'' '''''THIS IS WHY DOGS HATE FIREWORKS!!!'''''
* ''[the PAW Patrol reached and arrived at the City Hall]'' You have reached your destination.
* ''[the photographers are taking pictures to Chase's friends, then she enters and talks to them]'' Hey, hey! Anyone want a picture with me? I'm kind of like an honorary member of the PAW Patrol. You should have seen me out there. I was like, &quot;Turn left, turn right, turn left, turn right!&quot; It was amazing!
* ''[Butch and Ruben caught and thrown her in the van, then she pretends to be captured]'' '''''OH, NO! PLEASE! LET ME GO!!!''''' Don't take me to exactly the same place you took the other dogs, in this white van! License plate number YVP 8624!
* ''[to Delores for embarrassment]'' You talk a lot of trash for a dog that looks like a toilet brush.
* ''[encouraging Chase]'' So? Who cares if you're scared? Heroes get scared all the time. ''['''Chase''': They do?]'' Of course they do. But even through they're scared, they push through and keep going. That's what make them heroes.
* ''[surprising Chase that the wall is wrecked and revealed to be Rubble]'' I brought ''backup''!
* ''[Ryder surprising her to a rocket-powered scooter; calmly]'' Okay, Liberty. Play it cool, play it cool. ''[then she gets excitedly]'' '''''AAH!!! THIS IS AMAZING! IT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!''''' I've never been so happy! It's like my whole life has been building towards this moment! All of my dreams have come true! ''[faints]'' It's so amazing!
* ''[Ryder gives her own pup-tag after they saved Adventure City and she becomes official member of the PAW Patrol]'' I'm official! Hey! Check me out! I'm officially official! Official member of the PAW Patrol, right here!

== Mayor Humdinger ==
* ''[when his top hat is flew away or it gets destroyed]'' My top hat!
* You know, they call this place Adventure City, but what’s so adventure-y about it? The truth is, it’s ''boring''. Libraries? ''[drops the library]'' Boring! Museums? ''[drops the museum]'' Boring! Cute little dog parks? ''[the citizens in awe; sarcastically]'' Ugh, definitely boring! ''[taunting Liberty]'' But don’t worry, I’m gonna put the adventure back in Adventure City! When I’m done with this place, you won’t even recognize it.
* ''[to Butch and Ruben to get rid of the PAW Patrol for necessary]'' I want the PAW Patrol off the streets now! Find them, catch them, and lock them away.
* ''[after Chase puts him under arrest]'' You can't arrest me! I'm the mayor!

== Delores ==
* ''[when Liberty founds Chase and needs him to get out of the obedience school, then she gets sarcastically]'' Puh-lease! This scrawny, little purse pup is gonna pull a jailbreak?

== Butch ==
* ''[gives Mayor Humdinger his hat to his defeat]'' Here you go, boss.

== Others ==
*'''Kendra Wilson''': ''[gives a speech about the PAW Patrol saved Adventure City]'' Adventure City is our home. It's up to all of us to take care of it. But once in a while, a group of heroes go above and beyond the call of duty. They look out for their neighbors before they look out for themselves. And they're so darn cute, I just want to ''squeeze'' 'em!
*'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[gives a news report about the PAW Patrol's arrival in Adventure City]'' Guardians. Heroes. Cute little dogs and adorable outfits. Whatever you call them, the PAW Patrol were here to save the city from Mayor Humdinger's disastrous fireworks debacle. As a professional journalist, it's important that I remain unbiased. That being said; O''oh, yikes!'' An embarrassing start for Mayor Humdinger, but an incredible debut for the PAW Patrol in Adventure City.
*'''Rubble''': ''[Ryder shows the pups a self serving pup-treat dispenser, he sings angelic and make the other pups laugh]'' What? It's a beautiful thing.
*'''Skye''': ''[when Ryder tells her to be careful while she goes to stop the Cloud Catcher with her helicopter]'' Don't worry about me. I can handle a little ''turbulence''.
*'''Marshall''': ''[jumps off the holograms of the city, then he thrown himself on Rocky and Rubble]'' Next time, warn me before you stick a building up my nose.
*'''Rocky''': [when ''the others got stuck in traffic, he shouts to the traffic light]'' '''Green means go! ''Green means go''!''' ''[to Marshall]'' Green does ''still'' mean go, right?
*'''Zuma''': [''the pups, Liberty and Ryder gets shocked and sees Mayor Humdinger's tallest skyscraper and the big storm in the sky]'' Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
*'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[at the ceremony for the PAW Patrol, he talks to the Tough Guy]'' Me and the PAW Patrol? We go ''way'' back!

== Dialogue ==
:''[First lines, in the Spin Master Entertainment logo, Marshall the firefighting pup enters onscreen, but he tumbles into the Spin Master logo and the logo spins]''
:'''Marshall''': Whoa! I'm okay.
:''[Chase the police pup appears and uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to stop the logo from spinning, then he words &quot;entertainment&quot; appears, as Marshall and Chase look at the audience]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[sees Gus the truck driver is stuck on the bridge]'' Oh, my. That's not good. That's not good at all. ''[to Gus]'' Good morning there, friend! Looks like you're in a particularly precarious predicament.
:'''Gus''': Call the police! Call the fire department! ''[the truck door fall it open]'' Call everybody!
:'''Cap'n Turbot''': You're in Adventure Bay. ''[shows his phone to Gus]'' Here, we call the PAW Patrol!
:'''Gus''': You're gonna call the who?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ryder''': Chase, it's all up to you. Use the winch in your pup-pack to get the driver and bring him to safety.
:'''Chase''': Chase is on the case! ''[rushes on the bridge to free Gus]'' Arf! Grappling hook!
:''[Chase uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to secures on top on the bridge, he jumps off the bridge, howling and his hook was hanging on top, then he comes down]''
:'''Chase''': Sir, don't be alarmed. I'm coming down!
:'''Gus''': Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! The rescue team is here! ''[sees Chase]'' A ''dog!?''
:'''Chase''': Actually, sir, I'm a puppy.
:'''Gus''': A ''baby dog!?'' That's even worse!
:'''Chase''': You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally. Now, let's get you outta here.
:'''Gus''': No way! I'm waiting right here for a real rescue. ''[the truck lows even more]'' '''''AAH!!!''''' I changed my mind! ''[grabs Chase]'' I'll go with you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[In Adventure City, a Tough Guy eating a donut and throw his trash on a leg of a dachshund named Liberty]''
:'''Liberty''': Huh? Oh, um. ''[to a Tough Guy]'' Hey, excuse me? You dropped something.
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[frustrated]'' I'm done with it! Buzz off, ''wiener dog.''
:'''Liberty''': ''[angered]'' ''Wiener dog''?! Maybe you should just pick that up and put it in the trash!
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah, or what?
:'''Liberty''': Or I'm going to pick you up and put ''you in the trash!'' ''[the passengers gasp that was said to her]'' Hmph!
:'''Tough Guy''': Hey, I don't want no trouble! ''[picks up the trash]'' I'm picking up the trash. I'm picking up the trash!
:'''Liberty''': ''[praises]'' Thank you. We've all got to take pride in our city. Don't ever forget that. ''[hears the subway speaker]'' This is my stop, it's been a slice. ''[leaves the subway train]''
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[to Liberty]'' I'm gonna turn my life around. I really am.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Back in Adventure Bay, an emergency call in the big screen on the Lookout]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Liberty''': What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
:'''Ryder''': Is there something we can help you with?
:'''Liberty''': ''[agreeing]'' Yes, yes, yes! My name is Liberty, and I'm calling in from Adventure City. Something terrible has happened. Humdinger... was just elected ''mayor''!
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Rubble, and Zuma''': ''[shocked]'' '''''HUMDINGER!?!?'''''
:'''Ryder''': He's the worst mayor in the history of mayors!
:'''Rubble''': And that's being generous.
:'''Liberty''': You're telling me, this guy's a disaster! He's going to destroy the whole city! Please, we need your help. Come quickly. ''[ends her call]''
:'''Ryder''': Adventure City's in trouble. Come on pups, pack your things! No city's too big, no pup's too small!
:''[The pups are excited and start howling, but Ryder sees Chase goes into the elevator]''
:'''Ryder''': What's wrong, Chase?
:'''Chase''': I'm not going.
:'''Ryder''': We have to go. They need us.
:'''Chase''': ''[refused]'' I'm ''never'' going back to Adventure City! ''[the elevator brings him down]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[worried]'' Chase...
:'''Marshall''': ''[concerned]'' What's got his leash in a knot?
:'''Ryder''': ''[hesitates]'' Chase has a... ''history'' with Adventure City. He has a lot of tough memories from that place...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Skye''': ''[remarking on the new headquarters]'' How can we afford this place?
:'''Ryder''': ''[holding up a PAW Patrol T-shirt featuring Chase, Marshall and Skye in their original [[w:Guru Studio|Guru Studio]] designs]'' Officially licensed PAW Patrol merchandise. This stuff sells like hot-cakes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Marshall rescue the passengers on the upside-down subway and Skye brings Chase back to the streets]''
:'''Ryder''': Okay, that's all of them. ''[to the pups]'' Good job, pups. ''[sees Chase]'' Chase.
:'''Chase''': I don't know what happened.
:'''Ryder''': I'm just glad you're okay.
:'''Chase''': ''[sadly]'' I'm sorry.
:'''Ryder''': No, it's my fault. I though you'll be okay in Adventure City. But still too much for you.
:'''Chase''': I'll be fine. I, I just need to...
:'''Ryder''': You're not fine. You need to take a break. We'll take care of the recuses for a while.
:'''Chase''': What? No, that's not fair.
:'''Ryder''': I'm sorry, Chase. I know it's hard, but it's the way it's gotta be.
: ''[A heartbroken Chase backs away from Ryder, feeling like he can no longer trust him]''
:'''Chase''': ''[angrily]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything would be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
:'''Ryder''': ''[hurt by Chase's words]'' Chase...
:''[Feeling that Ryder betrayed his trust, Chase runs away out of heartbreak]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[runs after Chase]'' Chase, wait!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The pups, Liberty, and Ryder saw the storm in the sky on the window as they got shocked]''
:'''Zuma''': Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
:''[The lightning scares Rubble, as he screams and hides on Liberty and Skye]''
:'''Skye''': ''[sarcastically]'' Rubble.
:'''Rubble''': What? Lightning is frightening.
:''[An emergency call in the big screen and its ringing]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Kendra Wilson''': What's ''the'' emergency?! The mesoscale convective system is causing exponential thermal lift and catastrophic downbursts at over ''190 knots!''
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Zuma, and Liberty''': ''[confused]'' '''''WHAT?!'''''
:'''Rubble''': ''[to Kendra]'' It's a super, bad storm. ''[to the other pups]'' Come on, guys, keep up.
:'''Kendra Wilson''': Finally, ''somebody'' gets me. This is ''not'' a regular storm. It’s being caused by a weather-control device that’s unleashing weeks’ worth of bad weather ''all at once!''
:'''Ryder''': Take cover. We're on our way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[When Marshall and Rocky brings the people to get inside of Humdinger Heights, Rubble is wearing Marty Muckraker's wig]''
:'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[notices Rubble is wearing his wig]'' Hey, that's my hair! Where did you find it?
:'''Rubble''': The hair ''found'' me. It was my destiny.
:'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[yanks his wig from Rubble]'' Well, that's ''my'' signature look! ''[puts his wig on his head]'' Buy your own hair.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The Cloud Catcher is destroyed and the skies are clear again and sunny, Skye falls from the air with joy, then she uses her jet-pack to fly to safety, as she landed, the pups are impressed]''
:'''Marshall''': Good job, Skye!
:'''Zuma''': That was totally awesome!
:'''Liberty''': You’re definitely my favorite pup!
:'''Skye''': ''[hopefully]'' I hope Ryder got insurance on my copter.
:''[Skye saw her helicopter was crashed on the ground behind her, Rocky was next, as he looked on it and making her upset]''
:'''Rocky''': That'll buff right out. ''[Skye looked at him in annoyance for he was joking]''
:''[Chase and Ryder comes out of the building and the pups are happy to see them]''
:'''Rubble''': ''[relieved]'' He's okay!
:'''Marshall''': All right!
:''[The other pups tackles Ryder and they licking and hugging him]''
:'''Skye''': ''[to the other male pups]'' Okay, okay, give him some air.
:'''Liberty''': [''concerned]'' How do you feel?
:'''Ryder''': ''[laughs]'' Covered in drool!
:'''Rubble''': ''[joked]'' I can’t help it, I’m a bulldog! My tongue is ''too'' big for my mouth. See? ''[shows them with his tongue and they started to laugh]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[picks up Chase's hat; to the pups]'' You did good, pups. ''[puts on Chase's hat on his head and he patted him]''
:''[The pups started to howl and they laughed, the citizens are cheering for the PAW Patrol and they come out from Humdinger Heights]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[comes out and trying to escape]'' Time for me to get out of here.
:'''Chase''': ''[angered]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! ''[the PAW Patrol spots Mayor Humdinger, and they started to staring at him]'' You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangermnt, and dog-napping.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[to Chase]'' You can’t arrest me! I’m the mayor! ''[laughing and escapes, then his kittens drops them and run away]''
:'''Marshall''': ''[alarmed]'' He's getting away!
:'''Skye''': Arf! Mini-drone! ''[releases her drone in her jet-pack and flies to catch Mayor Humdinger]''
:''[Mayor Humdinger running to escape, but the drone's hook is holding his pants, as it flies on the center by the PAW Patrol and the citizens]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[infuriated]'' Put me down! Nobody makes a fool of Mayor Humdinger five times in the same day!
:''[The hook was on Mayor Humdinger's pants is ripped off and makes him fall, then he shrieks and cover his underpants]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[dismayed]'' Well, this is humiliating.
:'''Butch''': ''[puts Mayor Humdinger's hat to him]'' Here you go, boss.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': That's better.
:

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Closing lines, Ryder's phone interrupts his speech and gets a call from Harris and tells him that there is trouble at the waterfront]''
:
:
:'''Chase''': ''[to Ryder; along with Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!
:'''Ryder''': ''[to the citizens]'' Sorry, folks. Duty calls.

==Taglines==
* Our fate is in their paws.
* A Nose for Adventure (Chase tagline)
* New Dog, New Tricks (Liberty tagline)
* Can You Dig It? (Rubble tagline)
* She's So Fly (Skye tagline)
* Coming in Hot (Marshall tagline)
* Not Afraid to Get His Paws Dirty (Rocky tagline)
* Diving Into Adventure (Zuma tagline)

==Voice Cast==
* [[w:Iain Armitage|Iain Armitage]] - Chase
* Will Brisbin - Ryder
* [[w:Marsai Martin|Marsai Martin]] - Liberty
* [[w:Ron Pardo|Ron Pardo]] - Mayor Humdinger/Cap'n Turbot
* Keegan Hedley - Rubble
* [[w:Lilly Bartlam|Lilly Bartlam]] - Skye
* Kingsley Marshall - Marshall
* Callum Shoniker - Rocky
* Shayle Simons - Zuma
* [[w:Yara Shahidi|Yara Shahidi]] - Kendra Wilson
* [[w:Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West]] - Delores
* [[Randall Park]] - Butch
* [[w:Dax Shepard|Dax Shepard]] - Ruben
* [[Tyler Perry]] - Gus
* [[Jimmy Kimmel]] - Marty Muckraker
* [[w:Kim Roberts (actress)|Kim Roberts]] - Mayor Goodway
* [[w:Paul Braunstein|Paul Braunstein]] - Tough Guy
* Monique Alvarez - Carmen
* [[w:Jamillah Ross|Jamillah Ross]] - Camerawoman
* [[w:Josh Robert Thompson|Josh Robert Thompson]] - Technician
* Josh Graham - Computer Voice
* [[w:Neil Crone|Neil Crone]] - Tony
* [[w:Joe Pingue|Joe Pingue]] - Barney
* Charlie Gallant - Harris
* Richard Binsley - Rocket
* [[w:Raoul Bhaneja |Raoul Bhaneja]] - Man
* [[w:Saara Chaudry|Saara Chaudry]] - Girl
* Kevin Duhaney - Window Washer
* Eva Olivia - Kitten Catastrophe Crew/Chickaletta

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
[[Category:PAW Patrol]]
[[Category:2021 films]]
[[Category:Canadian films]]
[[Category:2020s American animated films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Animated films about dogs]]
[[Category:Films about children]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated action films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Nickelodeon films]]
[[Category:Films based on animated television series]]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147654</id>
      <parentid>3147651</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T19:03:49Z</timestamp>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="20665" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title|bottom|2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film adaption of the television series directed by Cal Brunker}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
'''''{{w|PAW Patrol: The Movie}}''''' is a 2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] produced by {{w|Nickelodeon Movies}} and distributed by {{w|Paramount Pictures}}. The film stars the voices of {{w|Iain Armitage}}, {{w|Marsai Martin}}, {{w|Ron Pardo}}, {{w|Yara Shahidi}}, {{w|Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West}}, [[Randall Park]], {{w|Dax Shepard}}, with [[Tyler Perry]], and [[Jimmy Kimmel]], introducing {{w|Will Brisbin}}. In the film, Ryder and the pups are called to Adventure City to stop the corrupt rival Mayor Humdinger from turning the bustling metropolis into a state of chaos to face the challenge in order to save the citizens of Adventure City.

:''Directed by [[w:Cal Brunker|Cal Brunker]] and written by [[w:Billy Frolick|Billy Frolick]] and [[w:Bob Barlen|Bob Barlen]]. Based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] by {{w|Keith Chapman}}.''

{{center|'''Our fate is in their paws.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Chase ==
* ''[while facing of his fear to his situation]'' I can do this...
* ''[to Gus]'' You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally.
* ''[to Ryder that he and his friends are going to Adventure City]'' I'm afraid if I go back there, everyone will see I'm still that scared little puppy, and not the hero they think I am.
* ''[when his friends are amazed and he gets terrified as they arrived Adventure City]'' It's a lot... ''bigger'' than I remember.
* ''[first ride with his new rocket-powered police cruiser]'' Oh, I could get used to this!
* ''[sees the citizens trapped in the City Hall balcony on fire]'' Ryder, we've got people trapped on the balcony! I'm going in!
* ''[after Ryder checks him and tells him that he fails his first mission]'' I can't believe I forgot to disconnect my parachute. It's Air Rescue 101.
* ''[backs away from Ryder]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything will be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
* ''[after Ryder tells him about his backstory, then he asks him to go to work and he agrees]'' Ready for action, Ryder, sir.
* ''[Ryder gives him a nice catch by a flying car]'' You can count on me, Ryder.
* ''[driving to save Ryder with his motorcycle]'' I'm coming, Ryder!
* ''[when Mayor Humdinger tries to escape with his kittens, and he catches him]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangerment, and dog-napping.
* ''[after Ryder receives a call from Harris, he, Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!

== Liberty ==
* ''[first call when she is a big fan of the PAW Patrol]'' What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
* ''[running and escapes with the unstable fireworks]'' '''''THIS IS WHY DOGS HATE FIREWORKS!!!'''''
* ''[the PAW Patrol reached and arrived at the City Hall]'' You have reached your destination.
* ''[the photographers are taking pictures to Chase's friends, then she enters and talks to them]'' Hey, hey! Anyone want a picture with me? I'm kind of like an honorary member of the PAW Patrol. You should have seen me out there. I was like, &quot;Turn left, turn right, turn left, turn right!&quot; It was amazing!
* ''[Butch and Ruben caught and thrown her in the van, then she pretends to be captured]'' '''''OH, NO! PLEASE! LET ME GO!!!''''' Don't take me to exactly the same place you took the other dogs, in this white van! License plate number YVP 8624!
* ''[to Delores for embarrassment]'' You talk a lot of trash for a dog that looks like a toilet brush.
* ''[encouraging Chase]'' So? Who cares if you're scared? Heroes get scared all the time. ''['''Chase''': They do?]'' Of course they do. But even through they're scared, they push through and keep going. That's what make them heroes.
* ''[surprising Chase that the wall is wrecked and revealed to be Rubble]'' I brought ''backup''!
* ''[Ryder surprising her to a rocket-powered scooter; calmly]'' Okay, Liberty. Play it cool, play it cool. ''[then she gets excitedly]'' '''''AAH!!! THIS IS AMAZING! IT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!''''' I've never been so happy! It's like my whole life has been building towards this moment! All of my dreams have come true! ''[faints]'' It's so amazing!
* ''[Ryder gives her own pup-tag after they saved Adventure City and she becomes official member of the PAW Patrol]'' I'm official! Hey! Check me out! I'm officially official! Official member of the PAW Patrol, right here!

== Mayor Humdinger ==
* ''[when his top hat is flew away or it gets destroyed]'' My top hat!
* You know, they call this place Adventure City, but what’s so adventure-y about it? The truth is, it’s ''boring''. Libraries? ''[drops the library]'' Boring! Museums? ''[drops the museum]'' Boring! Cute little dog parks? ''[the citizens in awe; sarcastically]'' Ugh, definitely boring! ''[taunting Liberty]'' But don’t worry, I’m gonna put the adventure back in Adventure City! When I’m done with this place, you won’t even recognize it.
* ''[to Butch and Ruben to get rid of the PAW Patrol for necessary]'' I want the PAW Patrol off the streets now! Find them, catch them, and lock them away.
* ''[after Chase puts him under arrest]'' You can't arrest me! I'm the mayor!

== Delores ==
* ''[when Liberty founds Chase and needs him to get out of the obedience school, then she gets sarcastically]'' Puh-lease! This scrawny, little purse pup is gonna pull a jailbreak?

== Butch ==
* ''[gives Mayor Humdinger his hat to his defeat]'' Here you go, boss.

== Others ==
*'''Kendra Wilson''': ''[gives a speech about the PAW Patrol saved Adventure City]'' Adventure City is our home. It's up to all of us to take care of it. But once in a while, a group of heroes go above and beyond the call of duty. They look out for their neighbors before they look out for themselves. And they're so darn cute, I just want to ''squeeze'' 'em!
*'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[gives a news report about the PAW Patrol's arrival in Adventure City]'' Guardians. Heroes. Cute little dogs and adorable outfits. Whatever you call them, the PAW Patrol were here to save the city from Mayor Humdinger's disastrous fireworks debacle. As a professional journalist, it's important that I remain unbiased. That being said; O''oh, yikes!'' An embarrassing start for Mayor Humdinger, but an incredible debut for the PAW Patrol in Adventure City.
*'''Rubble''': ''[Ryder shows the pups a self serving pup-treat dispenser, he sings angelic and make the other pups laugh]'' What? It's a beautiful thing.
*'''Skye''': ''[when Ryder tells her to be careful while she goes to stop the Cloud Catcher with her helicopter]'' Don't worry about me. I can handle a little ''turbulence''.
*'''Marshall''': ''[jumps off the holograms of the city, then he thrown himself on Rocky and Rubble]'' Next time, warn me before you stick a building up my nose.
*'''Rocky''': [when ''the others got stuck in traffic, he shouts to the traffic light]'' '''Green means go! ''Green means go''!''' ''[to Marshall]'' Green does ''still'' mean go, right?
*'''Zuma''': [''the pups, Liberty and Ryder gets shocked and sees Mayor Humdinger's tallest skyscraper and the big storm in the sky]'' Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
*'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[at the ceremony for the PAW Patrol, he talks to the Tough Guy]'' Me and the PAW Patrol? We go ''way'' back!

== Dialogue ==
:''[First lines, in the Spin Master Entertainment logo, Marshall the firefighting pup enters onscreen, but he tumbles into the Spin Master logo and the logo spins]''
:'''Marshall''': Whoa! I'm okay.
:''[Chase the police pup appears and uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to stop the logo from spinning, then he words &quot;entertainment&quot; appears, as Marshall and Chase look at the audience]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[sees Gus the truck driver is stuck on the bridge]'' Oh, my. That's not good. That's not good at all. ''[to Gus]'' Good morning there, friend! Looks like you're in a particularly precarious predicament.
:'''Gus''': Call the police! Call the fire department! ''[the truck door fall it open]'' Call everybody!
:'''Cap'n Turbot''': You're in Adventure Bay. ''[shows his phone to Gus]'' Here, we call the PAW Patrol!
:'''Gus''': You're gonna call the who?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ryder''': Chase, it's all up to you. Use the winch in your pup-pack to get the driver and bring him to safety.
:'''Chase''': Chase is on the case! ''[rushes on the bridge to free Gus]'' Arf! Grappling hook!
:''[Chase uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to secures on top on the bridge, he jumps off the bridge, howling and his hook was hanging on top, then he comes down]''
:'''Chase''': Sir, don't be alarmed. I'm coming down!
:'''Gus''': Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! The rescue team is here! ''[sees Chase]'' A ''dog!?''
:'''Chase''': Actually, sir, I'm a puppy.
:'''Gus''': A ''baby dog!?'' That's even worse!
:'''Chase''': You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally. Now, let's get you outta here.
:'''Gus''': No way! I'm waiting right here for a real rescue. ''[the truck lows even more]'' '''''AAH!!!''''' I changed my mind! ''[grabs Chase]'' I'll go with you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[In Adventure City, a Tough Guy eating a donut and throw his trash on a leg of a dachshund named Liberty]''
:'''Liberty''': Huh? Oh, um. ''[to a Tough Guy]'' Hey, excuse me? You dropped something.
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[frustrated]'' I'm done with it! Buzz off, ''wiener dog.''
:'''Liberty''': ''[angered]'' ''Wiener dog''?! Maybe you should just pick that up and put it in the trash!
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah, or what?
:'''Liberty''': Or I'm going to pick you up and put ''you in the trash!'' ''[the passengers gasp that was said to her]'' Hmph!
:'''Tough Guy''': Hey, I don't want no trouble! ''[picks up the trash]'' I'm picking up the trash. I'm picking up the trash!
:'''Liberty''': ''[praises]'' Thank you. We've all got to take pride in our city. Don't ever forget that. ''[hears the subway speaker]'' This is my stop, it's been a slice. ''[leaves the subway train]''
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[to Liberty]'' I'm gonna turn my life around. I really am.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Back in Adventure Bay, an emergency call in the big screen on the Lookout]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Liberty''': What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
:'''Ryder''': Is there something we can help you with?
:'''Liberty''': ''[agreeing]'' Yes, yes, yes! My name is Liberty, and I'm calling in from Adventure City. Something terrible has happened. Humdinger... was just elected ''mayor''!
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Rubble and Zuma''': ''[shocked]'' '''''HUMDINGER!?!?'''''
:'''Ryder''': He's the worst mayor in the history of mayors!
:'''Rubble''': And that's being generous.
:'''Liberty''': You're telling me, this guy's a disaster! He's going to destroy the whole city! Please, we need your help. Come quickly. ''[ends her call]''
:'''Ryder''': Adventure City's in trouble. Come on pups, pack your things! No city's too big, no pup's too small!
:''[The pups are excited and start howling, but Ryder sees Chase goes into the elevator]''
:'''Ryder''': What's wrong, Chase?
:'''Chase''': I'm not going.
:'''Ryder''': We have to go. They need us.
:'''Chase''': ''[refused]'' I'm ''never'' going back to Adventure City! ''[the elevator brings him down]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[worried]'' Chase...
:'''Marshall''': ''[concerned]'' What's got his leash in a knot?
:'''Ryder''': ''[hesitates]'' Chase has a... ''history'' with Adventure City. He has a lot of tough memories from that place...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Skye''': ''[remarking on the new headquarters]'' How can we afford this place?
:'''Ryder''': ''[holding up a PAW Patrol T-shirt featuring Chase, Marshall and Skye in their original [[w:Guru Studio|Guru Studio]] designs]'' Officially licensed PAW Patrol merchandise. This stuff sells like hot-cakes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Marshall rescue the passengers on the upside-down subway and Skye brings Chase back to the streets]''
:'''Ryder''': Okay, that's all of them. ''[to the pups]'' Good job, pups. ''[sees Chase]'' Chase.
:'''Chase''': I don't know what happened.
:'''Ryder''': I'm just glad you're okay.
:'''Chase''': ''[sadly]'' I'm sorry.
:'''Ryder''': No, it's my fault. I though you'll be okay in Adventure City. But still too much for you.
:'''Chase''': I'll be fine. I, I just need to...
:'''Ryder''': You're not fine. You need to take a break. We'll take care of the recuses for a while.
:'''Chase''': What? No, that's not fair.
:'''Ryder''': I'm sorry, Chase. I know it's hard, but it's the way it's gotta be.
: ''[A heartbroken Chase backs away from Ryder, feeling like he can no longer trust him]''
:'''Chase''': ''[angrily]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything would be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
:'''Ryder''': ''[hurt by Chase's words]'' Chase...
:''[Feeling that Ryder betrayed his trust, Chase runs away out of heartbreak]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[runs after Chase]'' Chase, wait!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The pups, Liberty, and Ryder saw the storm in the sky on the window as they got shocked]''
:'''Zuma''': Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
:''[The lightning scares Rubble, as he screams and hides on Liberty and Skye]''
:'''Skye''': ''[sarcastically]'' Rubble.
:'''Rubble''': What? Lightning is frightening.
:''[An emergency call in the big screen and its ringing]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Kendra Wilson''': What's ''the'' emergency?! The mesoscale convective system is causing exponential thermal lift and catastrophic downbursts at over ''190 knots!''
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Zuma and Liberty''': ''[confused]'' '''''WHAT?!'''''
:'''Rubble''': ''[to Kendra]'' It's a super, bad storm. ''[to the other pups]'' Come on, guys, keep up.
:'''Kendra Wilson''': Finally, ''somebody'' gets me. This is ''not'' a regular storm. It’s being caused by a weather-control device that’s unleashing weeks’ worth of bad weather ''all at once!''
:'''Ryder''': Take cover. We're on our way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[When Marshall and Rocky brings the people to get inside of Humdinger Heights, Rubble is wearing Marty Muckraker's wig]''
:'''Marty Muckraker''': Hey, that's my hair! Where did you find it?
:'''Rubble''': The hair ''found'' me. It was my destiny.
:'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[yanks his wig from Rubble]'' Well, that's ''my'' signature look! ''[puts his wig on his head]'' Buy your own hair.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The Cloud Catcher is destroyed and the skies are clear again and sunny, Skye falls from the air with joy, then she uses her jet-pack to fly to safety, as she landed, the pups are impressed]''
:'''Marshall''': Good job, Skye!
:'''Zuma''': That was totally awesome!
:'''Liberty''': You’re definitely my favorite pup!
:'''Skye''': ''[hopefully]'' I hope Ryder got insurance on my copter.
:''[Skye saw her helicopter was crashed on the ground behind her, Rocky was next, as he looked on it and making her upset]''
:'''Rocky''': That'll buff right out. ''[Skye looked at him in annoyance for he was joking]''
:''[Chase and Ryder comes out of the building and the pups are happy to see them]''
:'''Rubble''': ''[relieved]'' He's okay!
:'''Marshall''': All right!
:''[The other pups tackles Ryder and they licking and hugging him]''
:'''Skye''': ''[to the other male pups]'' Okay, okay, give him some air.
:'''Liberty''': [''concerned]'' How do you feel?
:'''Ryder''': ''[laughs]'' Covered in drool!
:'''Rubble''': ''[joked]'' I can’t help it, I’m a bulldog! My tongue is ''too'' big for my mouth. See? ''[shows them with his tongue and they started to laugh]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[picks up Chase's hat; to the pups]'' You did good, pups. ''[puts on Chase's hat on his head and he patted him]''
:''[The pups started to howl and they laughed, the citizens are cheering for the PAW Patrol and they come out from Humdinger Heights]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[comes out and trying to escape]'' Time for me to get out of here.
:'''Chase''': ''[angered]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! ''[the PAW Patrol spots Mayor Humdinger, and they started to staring at him]'' You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangermnt, and dog-napping.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[to Chase]'' You can’t arrest me! I’m the mayor! ''[laughing and escapes, then his kittens drops them and run away]''
:'''Marshall''': ''[alarmed]'' He's getting away!
:'''Skye''': Arf! Mini-drone! ''[releases her drone in her jet-pack and flies to catch Mayor Humdinger]''
:''[Mayor Humdinger running to escape, but the drone's hook is holding his pants, as it flies on the center by the PAW Patrol and the citizens]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[infuriated]'' Put me down! Nobody makes a fool of Mayor Humdinger five times in the same day!
:''[The hook was on Mayor Humdinger's pants is ripped off and makes him fall, then he shrieks and cover his underpants]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[dismayed]'' Well, this is humiliating.
:'''Butch''': ''[puts Mayor Humdinger's hat to him]'' Here you go, boss.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': That's better.
:

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Closing lines, Ryder's phone interrupts his speech and gets a call from Harris and tells him that there is trouble at the waterfront]''
:
:
:'''Chase''': ''[to Ryder; along with Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!
:'''Ryder''': ''[to the citizens]'' Sorry, folks. Duty calls.

==Taglines==
* Our fate is in their paws.
* A Nose for Adventure (Chase tagline)
* New Dog, New Tricks (Liberty tagline)
* Can You Dig It? (Rubble tagline)
* She's So Fly (Skye tagline)
* Coming in Hot (Marshall tagline)
* Not Afraid to Get His Paws Dirty (Rocky tagline)
* Diving Into Adventure (Zuma tagline)

==Voice Cast==
* [[w:Iain Armitage|Iain Armitage]] - Chase
* Will Brisbin - Ryder
* [[w:Marsai Martin|Marsai Martin]] - Liberty
* [[w:Ron Pardo|Ron Pardo]] - Mayor Humdinger/Cap'n Turbot
* Keegan Hedley - Rubble
* [[w:Lilly Bartlam|Lilly Bartlam]] - Skye
* Kingsley Marshall - Marshall
* Callum Shoniker - Rocky
* Shayle Simons - Zuma
* [[w:Yara Shahidi|Yara Shahidi]] - Kendra Wilson
* [[w:Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West]] - Delores
* [[Randall Park]] - Butch
* [[w:Dax Shepard|Dax Shepard]] - Ruben
* [[Tyler Perry]] - Gus
* [[Jimmy Kimmel]] - Marty Muckraker
* [[w:Kim Roberts (actress)|Kim Roberts]] - Mayor Goodway
* [[w:Paul Braunstein|Paul Braunstein]] - Tough Guy
* Monique Alvarez - Carmen
* [[w:Jamillah Ross|Jamillah Ross]] - Camerawoman
* [[w:Josh Robert Thompson|Josh Robert Thompson]] - Technician
* Josh Graham - Computer Voice
* [[w:Neil Crone|Neil Crone]] - Tony
* [[w:Joe Pingue|Joe Pingue]] - Barney
* Charlie Gallant - Harris
* Richard Binsley - Rocket
* [[w:Raoul Bhaneja |Raoul Bhaneja]] - Man
* [[w:Saara Chaudry|Saara Chaudry]] - Girl
* Kevin Duhaney - Window Washer
* Eva Olivia - Kitten Catastrophe Crew/Chickaletta

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
[[Category:PAW Patrol]]
[[Category:2021 films]]
[[Category:Canadian films]]
[[Category:2020s American animated films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Animated films about dogs]]
[[Category:Films about children]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated action films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Nickelodeon films]]
[[Category:Films based on animated television series]]</text>
      <sha1>boygntav5nmnil2obnjetrbn3tpz57b</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147656</id>
      <parentid>3147654</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T19:08:58Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="20665" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title|bottom|2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film adaption of the television series directed by Cal Brunker}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
'''''{{w|PAW Patrol: The Movie}}''''' is a 2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] produced by {{w|Nickelodeon Movies}} and distributed by {{w|Paramount Pictures}}. The film stars the voices of {{w|Iain Armitage}}, {{w|Marsai Martin}}, {{w|Ron Pardo}}, {{w|Yara Shahidi}}, {{w|Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West}}, [[Randall Park]], {{w|Dax Shepard}}, with [[Tyler Perry]], and [[Jimmy Kimmel]], introducing {{w|Will Brisbin}}. In the film, Ryder and the pups are called to Adventure City to stop the corrupt rival Mayor Humdinger from turning the bustling metropolis into a state of chaos to face the challenge in order to save the citizens of Adventure City.

:''Directed by [[w:Cal Brunker|Cal Brunker]] and written by [[w:Billy Frolick|Billy Frolick]] and [[w:Bob Barlen|Bob Barlen]]. Based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] by {{w|Keith Chapman}}.''

{{center|'''Our fate is in their paws.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Chase ==
* ''[while facing of his fear to his situation]'' I can do this...
* ''[to Gus]'' You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally.
* ''[to Ryder that he and his friends are going to Adventure City]'' I'm afraid if I go back there, everyone will see I'm still that scared little puppy, and not the hero they think I am.
* ''[when his friends are amazed and he gets terrified as they arrived Adventure City]'' It's a lot... ''bigger'' than I remember.
* ''[first ride with his new rocket-powered police cruiser]'' Oh, I could get used to this!
* ''[sees the citizens trapped in the City Hall balcony on fire]'' Ryder, we've got people trapped on the balcony! I'm going in!
* ''[after Ryder checks him and tells him that he fails his first mission]'' I can't believe I forgot to disconnect my parachute. It's Air Rescue 101.
* ''[backs away from Ryder]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything will be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
* ''[after Ryder tells him about his backstory, then he asks him to go to work and he agrees]'' Ready for action, Ryder, sir.
* ''[Ryder gives him a nice catch by a flying car]'' You can count on me, Ryder.
* ''[driving to save Ryder with his motorcycle]'' I'm coming, Ryder!
* ''[when Mayor Humdinger tries to escape with his kittens, and he catches him]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangerment, and dog-napping.
* ''[after Ryder receives a call from Harris, he, Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!

== Liberty ==
* ''[first call when she is a big fan of the PAW Patrol]'' What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
* ''[running and escapes with the unstable fireworks]'' '''''THIS IS WHY DOGS HATE FIREWORKS!!!'''''
* ''[the PAW Patrol reached and arrived at the City Hall]'' You have reached your destination.
* ''[the photographers are taking pictures to Chase's friends, then she enters and talks to them]'' Hey, hey! Anyone want a picture with me? I'm kind of like an honorary member of the PAW Patrol. You should have seen me out there. I was like, &quot;Turn left, turn right, turn left, turn right!&quot; It was amazing!
* ''[Butch and Ruben caught and thrown her in the van, then she pretends to be captured]'' '''''OH, NO! PLEASE! LET ME GO!!!''''' Don't take me to exactly the same place you took the other dogs, in this white van! License plate number YVP 8624!
* ''[to Delores for embarrassment]'' You talk a lot of trash for a dog that looks like a toilet brush.
* ''[encouraging Chase]'' So? Who cares if you're scared? Heroes get scared all the time. ''['''Chase''': They do?]'' Of course they do. But even through they're scared, they push through and keep going. That's what make them heroes.
* ''[surprising Chase that the wall is wrecked and revealed to be Rubble]'' I brought ''backup''!
* ''[Ryder surprising her to a rocket-powered scooter; calmly]'' Okay, Liberty. Play it cool, play it cool. ''[then she gets excitedly]'' '''''AAH!!! THIS IS AMAZING! IT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!''''' I've never been so happy! It's like my whole life has been building towards this moment! All of my dreams have come true! ''[faints]'' It's so amazing!
* ''[Ryder gives her own pup-tag after they saved Adventure City and she becomes official member of the PAW Patrol]'' I'm official! Hey! Check me out! I'm officially official! Official member of the PAW Patrol, right here!

== Mayor Humdinger ==
* ''[when his top hat is flew away or it gets destroyed]'' My top hat!
* You know, they call this place Adventure City, but what’s so adventure-y about it? The truth is, it’s ''boring''. Libraries? ''[drops the library]'' Boring! Museums? ''[drops the museum]'' Boring! Cute little dog parks? ''[the citizens in awe; sarcastically]'' Ugh, definitely boring! ''[taunting Liberty]'' But don’t worry, I’m gonna put the adventure back in Adventure City! When I’m done with this place, you won’t even recognize it.
* ''[to Butch and Ruben to get rid of the PAW Patrol for necessary]'' I want the PAW Patrol off the streets now! Find them, catch them, and lock them away.
* ''[after Chase puts him under arrest]'' You can't arrest me! I'm the mayor!

== Delores ==
* ''[when Liberty founds Chase and needs him to get out of the obedience school, then she gets sarcastically]'' Puh-lease! This scrawny, little purse pup is gonna pull a jailbreak?

== Butch ==
* ''[gives Mayor Humdinger his hat to his defeat]'' Here you go, boss.

== Others ==
*'''Kendra Wilson''': ''[gives a speech about the PAW Patrol saved Adventure City]'' Adventure City is our home. It's up to all of us to take care of it. But once in a while, a group of heroes go above and beyond the call of duty. They look out for their neighbors before they look out for themselves. And they're so darn cute, I just want to ''squeeze'' 'em!
*'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[gives a news report about the PAW Patrol's arrival in Adventure City]'' Guardians. Heroes. Cute little dogs and adorable outfits. Whatever you call them, the PAW Patrol were here to save the city from Mayor Humdinger's disastrous fireworks debacle. As a professional journalist, it's important that I remain unbiased. That being said; O''oh, yikes!'' An embarrassing start for Mayor Humdinger, but an incredible debut for the PAW Patrol in Adventure City.
*'''Rubble''': ''[Ryder shows the pups a self serving pup-treat dispenser, he sings angelic and make the other pups laugh]'' What? It's a beautiful thing.
*'''Skye''': ''[when Ryder tells her to be careful while she goes to stop the Cloud Catcher with her helicopter]'' Don't worry about me. I can handle a little ''turbulence''.
*'''Marshall''': ''[jumps off the holograms of the city, then he thrown himself on Rocky and Rubble]'' Next time, warn me before you stick a building up my nose.
*'''Rocky''': [when ''the others got stuck in traffic, he shouts to the traffic light]'' '''Green means go! ''Green means go''!''' ''[to Marshall]'' Green does ''still'' mean go, right?
*'''Zuma''': [''the pups, Liberty and Ryder gets shocked and sees Mayor Humdinger's tallest skyscraper and the big storm in the sky]'' Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
*'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[at the ceremony for the PAW Patrol, he talks to the Tough Guy]'' Me and the PAW Patrol? We go ''way'' back!

== Dialogue ==
:''[First lines, in the Spin Master Entertainment logo, Marshall the firefighting pup enters onscreen, but he tumbles into the Spin Master logo and the logo spins]''
:'''Marshall''': Whoa! I'm okay.
:''[Chase the police pup appears and uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to stop the logo from spinning, then he words &quot;entertainment&quot; appears, as Marshall and Chase look at the audience]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[sees Gus the truck driver is stuck on the bridge]'' Oh, my. That's not good. That's not good at all. ''[to Gus]'' Good morning there, friend! Looks like you're in a particularly precarious predicament.
:'''Gus''': Call the police! Call the fire department! ''[the truck door fall it open]'' Call everybody!
:'''Cap'n Turbot''': You're in Adventure Bay. ''[shows his phone to Gus]'' Here, we call the PAW Patrol!
:'''Gus''': You're gonna call the who?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ryder''': Chase, it's all up to you. Use the winch in your pup-pack to get the driver and bring him to safety.
:'''Chase''': Chase is on the case! ''[rushes on the bridge to free Gus]'' Arf! Grappling hook!
:''[Chase uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to secures on top on the bridge, he jumps off the bridge, howling and his hook was hanging on top, then he comes down]''
:'''Chase''': Sir, don't be alarmed. I'm coming down!
:'''Gus''': Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! The rescue team is here! ''[sees Chase]'' A ''dog!?''
:'''Chase''': Actually, sir, I'm a puppy.
:'''Gus''': A ''baby dog!?'' That's even worse!
:'''Chase''': You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally. Now, let's get you outta here.
:'''Gus''': No way! I'm waiting right here for a real rescue. ''[the truck lows even more]'' '''''AAH!!!''''' I changed my mind! ''[grabs Chase]'' I'll go with you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[In Adventure City, a Tough Guy eating a donut and throw his trash on a leg of a dachshund named Liberty]''
:'''Liberty''': Huh? Oh, um. ''[to a Tough Guy]'' Hey, excuse me? You dropped something.
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[frustrated]'' I'm done with it! Buzz off, ''wiener dog.''
:'''Liberty''': ''[angered]'' ''Wiener dog''?! Maybe you should just pick that up and put it in the trash!
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah, or what?
:'''Liberty''': Or I'm going to pick you up and put ''you in the trash!'' ''[the passengers gasp that was said to her]'' Hmph!
:'''Tough Guy''': Hey, I don't want no trouble! ''[picks up the trash]'' I'm picking up the trash. I'm picking up the trash!
:'''Liberty''': ''[praises]'' Thank you. We've all got to take pride in our city. Don't ever forget that. ''[hears the subway speaker]'' This is my stop, it's been a slice. ''[leaves the subway train]''
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[to Liberty]'' I'm gonna turn my life around. I really am.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Back in Adventure Bay, an emergency call in the big screen on the Lookout]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Liberty''': What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
:'''Ryder''': Is there something we can help you with?
:'''Liberty''': ''[agreeing]'' Yes, yes, yes! My name is Liberty, and I'm calling in from Adventure City. Something terrible has happened. Humdinger... was just elected ''mayor''!
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Rubble and Zuma''': ''[shocked]'' '''''HUMDINGER!?!?'''''
:'''Ryder''': He's the worst mayor in the history of mayors!
:'''Rubble''': And that's being generous.
:'''Liberty''': You're telling me, this guy's a disaster! He's going to destroy the whole city! Please, we need your help. Come quickly. ''[ends her call]''
:'''Ryder''': Adventure City's in trouble. Come on pups, pack your things! No city's too big, no pup's too small!
:''[The pups are excited and start howling, but Ryder sees Chase goes into the elevator]''
:'''Ryder''': What's wrong, Chase?
:'''Chase''': I'm not going.
:'''Ryder''': We have to go. They need us.
:'''Chase''': ''[refused]'' I'm ''never'' going back to Adventure City! ''[the elevator brings him down]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[worried]'' Chase...
:'''Marshall''': ''[concerned]'' What's got his leash in a knot?
:'''Ryder''': ''[hesitates]'' Chase has a... ''history'' with Adventure City. He has a lot of tough memories from that place...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Skye''': ''[remarking on the new headquarters]'' How can we afford this place?
:'''Ryder''': ''[holding up a PAW Patrol T-shirt featuring Chase, Marshall and Skye in their original [[w:Guru Studio|Guru Studio]] designs]'' Officially licensed PAW Patrol merchandise. This stuff sells like hot-cakes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Marshall rescue the passengers on the upside-down subway and Skye brings Chase back to the streets]''
:'''Ryder''': Okay, that's all of them. ''[to the pups]'' Good job, pups. ''[sees Chase]'' Chase.
:'''Chase''': I don't know what happened.
:'''Ryder''': I'm just glad you're okay.
:'''Chase''': ''[sadly]'' I'm sorry.
:'''Ryder''': No, it's my fault. I though you'll be okay in Adventure City. But still too much for you.
:'''Chase''': I'll be fine. I, I just need to...
:'''Ryder''': You're not fine. You need to take a break. We'll take care of the recuses for a while.
:'''Chase''': What? No, that's not fair.
:'''Ryder''': I'm sorry, Chase. I know it's hard, but it's the way it's gotta be.
: ''[A heartbroken Chase backs away from Ryder, feeling like he can no longer trust him]''
:'''Chase''': ''[angrily]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything would be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
:'''Ryder''': ''[hurt by Chase's words]'' Chase...
:''[Feeling that Ryder betrayed his trust, Chase runs away out of heartbreak]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[runs after Chase]'' Chase, wait!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The pups, Liberty, and Ryder saw the storm in the sky on the window as they got shocked]''
:'''Zuma''': Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
:''[The lightning scares Rubble, as he screams and hides on Liberty and Skye]''
:'''Skye''': ''[sarcastically]'' Rubble.
:'''Rubble''': What? Lightning is frightening.
:''[An emergency call in the big screen and its ringing]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Kendra Wilson''': What's ''the'' emergency?! The mesoscale convective system is causing exponential thermal lift and catastrophic downbursts at over ''190 knots!''
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Zuma and Liberty''': ''[confused]'' '''''WHAT?!'''''
:'''Rubble''': ''[to Kendra]'' It's a super, bad storm. ''[to the other pups]'' Come on, guys, keep up.
:'''Kendra Wilson''': Finally, ''somebody'' gets me. This is ''not'' a regular storm. It’s being caused by a weather-control device that’s unleashing weeks’ worth of bad weather ''all at once!''
:'''Ryder''': Take cover. We're on our way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[When Marshall and Rocky brings the people to get inside of Humdinger Heights, Rubble is wearing Marty Muckraker's wig]''
:'''Marty Muckraker''': Hey, that's my hair! Where did you find it?
:'''Rubble''': The hair ''found'' me. It was my destiny.
:'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[yanks his wig from Rubble]'' Well, that's ''my'' signature look! ''[puts his wig on his head]'' Buy your own hair.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The Cloud Catcher is destroyed and the skies are clear again and sunny, Skye falls from the air with joy, then she uses her jet-pack to fly to safety, as she landed, the pups are impressed]''
:'''Marshall''': Good job, Skye!
:'''Zuma''': That was totally awesome!
:'''Liberty''': You’re definitely my favorite pup!
:'''Skye''': ''[hopefully]'' I hope Ryder got insurance on my copter.
:''[Skye saw her helicopter was crashed on the ground behind her, Rocky was next, as he looked on it and making her upset]''
:'''Rocky''': That'll buff right out. ''[Skye looked at him in annoyance for he was joking]''
:''[Chase and Ryder comes out of the building and the pups are happy to see them]''
:'''Rubble''': ''[relieved]'' He's okay!
:'''Marshall''': All right!
:''[The other pups tackles Ryder and they licking and hugging him]''
:'''Skye''': ''[to the other male pups]'' Okay, okay, give him some air.
:'''Liberty''': [''concerned]'' How do you feel?
:'''Ryder''': ''[laughs]'' Covered in drool!
:'''Rubble''': ''[joked]'' I can’t help it, I’m a bulldog! My tongue is ''too'' big for my mouth. See? ''[shows them with his tongue and they started to laugh]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[picks up Chase's hat; to the pups]'' You did good, pups. ''[puts on Chase's hat on his head and he patted him]''
:''[The pups started to howl and they laughed, the citizens are cheering for the PAW Patrol and they come out from Humdinger Heights]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[comes out and trying to escape]'' Time for me to get out of here.
:'''Chase''': ''[angered]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! ''[the PAW Patrol spots Mayor Humdinger, and they started to staring at him]'' You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangermnt, and dog-napping.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[to Chase]'' You can’t arrest me! I’m the mayor! ''[laughing and escapes, then his kittens drops them and run away]''
:'''Marshall''': ''[alarmed]'' He's getting away!
:'''Skye''': Arf! Mini-drone! ''[releases her drone in her jet-pack and flies to catch Mayor Humdinger]''
:''[Mayor Humdinger running to escape, but the drone's hook is holding his pants, as it flies on the center by the PAW Patrol and the citizens]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[infuriated]'' Put me down! Nobody makes a fool of Mayor Humdinger five times in the same day!
:''[The hook was on Mayor Humdinger's pants is ripped off and makes him fall, then he shrieks and cover his underpants]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[dismayed]'' Well, this is humiliating.
:'''Butch''': ''[puts Mayor Humdinger's hat to him]'' Here you go, boss.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': That's better.
:

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Closing lines, Ryder's phone interrupts his speech and gets a call from Harris and tells him that there is trouble at the waterfront]''
:
:
:'''Chase''': ''[to Ryder; along with Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!
:'''Ryder''': ''[to the citizens]'' Sorry, folks. Duty calls.

==Taglines==
* Our fate is in their paws.
* A Nose for Adventure (Chase tagline)
* New Dog, New Tricks (Liberty tagline)
* Can You Dig It? (Rubble tagline)
* She's So Fly (Skye tagline)
* Coming in Hot (Marshall tagline)
* Not Afraid to Get His Paws Dirty (Rocky tagline)
* Diving Into Adventure (Zuma tagline)

==Voice cast==
* [[w:Iain Armitage|Iain Armitage]] - Chase
* Will Brisbin - Ryder
* [[w:Marsai Martin|Marsai Martin]] - Liberty
* [[w:Ron Pardo|Ron Pardo]] - Mayor Humdinger/Cap'n Turbot
* Keegan Hedley - Rubble
* [[w:Lilly Bartlam|Lilly Bartlam]] - Skye
* Kingsley Marshall - Marshall
* Callum Shoniker - Rocky
* Shayle Simons - Zuma
* [[w:Yara Shahidi|Yara Shahidi]] - Kendra Wilson
* [[w:Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West]] - Delores
* [[Randall Park]] - Butch
* [[w:Dax Shepard|Dax Shepard]] - Ruben
* [[Tyler Perry]] - Gus
* [[Jimmy Kimmel]] - Marty Muckraker
* [[w:Kim Roberts (actress)|Kim Roberts]] - Mayor Goodway
* [[w:Paul Braunstein|Paul Braunstein]] - Tough Guy
* Monique Alvarez - Carmen
* [[w:Jamillah Ross|Jamillah Ross]] - Camerawoman
* [[w:Josh Robert Thompson|Josh Robert Thompson]] - Technician
* Josh Graham - Computer Voice
* [[w:Neil Crone|Neil Crone]] - Tony
* [[w:Joe Pingue|Joe Pingue]] - Barney
* Charlie Gallant - Harris
* Richard Binsley - Rocket
* [[w:Raoul Bhaneja |Raoul Bhaneja]] - Man
* [[w:Saara Chaudry|Saara Chaudry]] - Girl
* Kevin Duhaney - Window Washer
* Eva Olivia - Kitten Catastrophe Crew/Chickaletta

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
[[Category:PAW Patrol]]
[[Category:2021 films]]
[[Category:Canadian films]]
[[Category:2020s American animated films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Animated films about dogs]]
[[Category:Films about children]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated action films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Nickelodeon films]]
[[Category:Films based on animated television series]]</text>
      <sha1>n6oahe6n0zxplcnoskcp60o1fjv8rgn</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147662</id>
      <parentid>3147656</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T19:19:28Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>112.203.220.63</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="20663" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title|bottom|2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film adaption of the television series directed by Cal Brunker}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
'''''{{w|PAW Patrol: The Movie}}''''' is a 2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] produced by {{w|Nickelodeon Movies}} and distributed by {{w|Paramount Pictures}}. The film stars the voices of {{w|Iain Armitage}}, {{w|Marsai Martin}}, {{w|Ron Pardo}}, {{w|Yara Shahidi}}, {{w|Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West}}, [[Randall Park]], {{w|Dax Shepard}}, with [[Tyler Perry]], and [[Jimmy Kimmel]], introducing {{w|Will Brisbin}}. In the film, Ryder and the pups are called to Adventure City to stop the corrupt rival Mayor Humdinger from turning the bustling metropolis into a state of chaos to face the challenge in order to save the citizens of Adventure City.

:''Directed by [[w:Cal Brunker|Cal Brunker]] and written by [[w:Billy Frolick|Billy Frolick]] and [[w:Bob Barlen|Bob Barlen]]. Based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] by {{w|Keith Chapman}}.''

{{center|'''Our fate is in their paws.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Chase ==
* ''[when facing of his fear to his situation]'' I can do this...
* ''[to Gus]'' You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally.
* ''[to Ryder that he and his friends are going to Adventure City]'' I'm afraid if I go back there, everyone will see I'm still that scared little puppy, and not the hero they think I am.
* ''[when his friends are amazed and he gets terrified as they arrived Adventure City]'' It's a lot... ''bigger'' than I remember.
* ''[first ride with his new rocket-powered police cruiser]'' Oh, I could get used to this!
* ''[sees the citizens trapped in the City Hall balcony on fire]'' Ryder, we've got people trapped on the balcony! I'm going in!
* ''[after Ryder checks him and tells him that he fails his first mission]'' I can't believe I forgot to disconnect my parachute. It's Air Rescue 101.
* ''[backs away from Ryder]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything will be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
* ''[after Ryder tells him about his backstory, then he asks him to go to work and he agrees]'' Ready for action, Ryder, sir.
* ''[Ryder gives him a nice catch by a flying car]'' You can count on me, Ryder.
* ''[driving to save Ryder with his motorcycle]'' I'm coming, Ryder!
* ''[when Mayor Humdinger tries to escape with his kittens, and he catches him]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangerment, and dog-napping.
* ''[when Ryder receives a call from Harris, he, Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!

== Liberty ==
* ''[first call when she is a big fan of the PAW Patrol]'' What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
* ''[running and escapes with the unstable fireworks]'' '''''THIS IS WHY DOGS HATE FIREWORKS!!!'''''
* ''[the PAW Patrol reached and arrived at the City Hall]'' You have reached your destination.
* ''[the photographers are taking pictures to Chase's friends, then she enters and talks to them]'' Hey, hey! Anyone want a picture with me? I'm kind of like an honorary member of the PAW Patrol. You should have seen me out there. I was like, &quot;Turn left, turn right, turn left, turn right!&quot; It was amazing!
* ''[Butch and Ruben caught and thrown her in the van, then she pretends to be captured]'' '''''OH, NO! PLEASE! LET ME GO!!!''''' Don't take me to exactly the same place you took the other dogs, in this white van! License plate number YVP 8624!
* ''[to Delores for embarrassment]'' You talk a lot of trash for a dog that looks like a toilet brush.
* ''[encouraging Chase]'' So? Who cares if you're scared? Heroes get scared all the time. ''['''Chase''': They do?]'' Of course they do. But even through they're scared, they push through and keep going. That's what make them heroes.
* ''[surprising Chase that the wall is wrecked and revealed to be Rubble]'' I brought ''backup''!
* ''[Ryder surprising her to a rocket-powered scooter; calmly]'' Okay, Liberty. Play it cool, play it cool. ''[then she gets excitedly]'' '''''AAH!!! THIS IS AMAZING! IT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!''''' I've never been so happy! It's like my whole life has been building towards this moment! All of my dreams have come true! ''[faints]'' It's so amazing!
* ''[Ryder gives her own pup-tag after they saved Adventure City and she becomes official member of the PAW Patrol]'' I'm official! Hey! Check me out! I'm officially official! Official member of the PAW Patrol, right here!

== Mayor Humdinger ==
* ''[when his top hat is flew away or it gets destroyed]'' My top hat!
* You know, they call this place Adventure City, but what’s so adventure-y about it? The truth is, it’s ''boring''. Libraries? ''[drops the library]'' Boring! Museums? ''[drops the museum]'' Boring! Cute little dog parks? ''[the citizens in awe; sarcastically]'' Ugh, definitely boring! ''[taunting Liberty]'' But don’t worry, I’m gonna put the adventure back in Adventure City! When I’m done with this place, you won’t even recognize it.
* ''[to Butch and Ruben to get rid of the PAW Patrol for necessary]'' I want the PAW Patrol off the streets now! Find them, catch them, and lock them away.
* ''[after Chase puts him under arrest]'' You can't arrest me! I'm the mayor!

== Delores ==
* ''[when Liberty founds Chase and needs him to get out of the obedience school, then she gets sarcastically]'' Puh-lease! This scrawny, little purse pup is gonna pull a jailbreak?

== Butch ==
* ''[gives Mayor Humdinger his hat to his defeat]'' Here you go, boss.

== Others ==
*'''Kendra Wilson''': ''[gives a speech about the PAW Patrol saved Adventure City]'' Adventure City is our home. It's up to all of us to take care of it. But once in a while, a group of heroes go above and beyond the call of duty. They look out for their neighbors before they look out for themselves. And they're so darn cute, I just want to ''squeeze'' 'em!
*'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[gives a news report about the PAW Patrol's arrival in Adventure City]'' Guardians. Heroes. Cute little dogs and adorable outfits. Whatever you call them, the PAW Patrol were here to save the city from Mayor Humdinger's disastrous fireworks debacle. As a professional journalist, it's important that I remain unbiased. That being said; O''oh, yikes!'' An embarrassing start for Mayor Humdinger, but an incredible debut for the PAW Patrol in Adventure City.
*'''Rubble''': ''[Ryder shows the pups a self serving pup-treat dispenser, he sings angelic and make the other pups laugh]'' What? It's a beautiful thing.
*'''Skye''': ''[when Ryder tells her to be careful while she goes to stop the Cloud Catcher with her helicopter]'' Don't worry about me. I can handle a little ''turbulence''.
*'''Marshall''': ''[jumps off the holograms of the city, then he thrown himself on Rocky and Rubble]'' Next time, warn me before you stick a building up my nose.
*'''Rocky''': [when ''the others got stuck in traffic, he shouts to the traffic light]'' '''Green means go! ''Green means go''!''' ''[to Marshall]'' Green does ''still'' mean go, right?
*'''Zuma''': [''the pups, Liberty and Ryder gets shocked and sees Mayor Humdinger's tallest skyscraper and the big storm in the sky]'' Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
*'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[at the ceremony for the PAW Patrol, he talks to the Tough Guy]'' Me and the PAW Patrol? We go ''way'' back!

== Dialogue ==
:''[First lines, in the Spin Master Entertainment logo, Marshall the firefighting pup enters onscreen, but he tumbles into the Spin Master logo and the logo spins]''
:'''Marshall''': Whoa! I'm okay.
:''[Chase the police pup appears and uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to stop the logo from spinning, then he words &quot;entertainment&quot; appears, as Marshall and Chase look at the audience]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[sees Gus the truck driver is stuck on the bridge]'' Oh, my. That's not good. That's not good at all. ''[to Gus]'' Good morning there, friend! Looks like you're in a particularly precarious predicament.
:'''Gus''': Call the police! Call the fire department! ''[the truck door fall it open]'' Call everybody!
:'''Cap'n Turbot''': You're in Adventure Bay. ''[shows his phone to Gus]'' Here, we call the PAW Patrol!
:'''Gus''': You're gonna call the who?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ryder''': Chase, it's all up to you. Use the winch in your pup-pack to get the driver and bring him to safety.
:'''Chase''': Chase is on the case! ''[rushes on the bridge to free Gus]'' Arf! Grappling hook!
:''[Chase uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to secures on top on the bridge, he jumps off the bridge, howling and his hook was hanging on top, then he comes down]''
:'''Chase''': Sir, don't be alarmed. I'm coming down!
:'''Gus''': Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! The rescue team is here! ''[sees Chase]'' A ''dog!?''
:'''Chase''': Actually, sir, I'm a puppy.
:'''Gus''': A ''baby dog!?'' That's even worse!
:'''Chase''': You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally. Now, let's get you outta here.
:'''Gus''': No way! I'm waiting right here for a real rescue. ''[the truck lows even more]'' '''''AAH!!!''''' I changed my mind! ''[grabs Chase]'' I'll go with you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[In Adventure City, a Tough Guy eating a donut and throw his trash on a leg of a dachshund named Liberty]''
:'''Liberty''': Huh? Oh, um. ''[to a Tough Guy]'' Hey, excuse me? You dropped something.
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[frustrated]'' I'm done with it! Buzz off, ''wiener dog.''
:'''Liberty''': ''[angered]'' ''Wiener dog''?! Maybe you should just pick that up and put it in the trash!
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah, or what?
:'''Liberty''': Or I'm going to pick you up and put ''you in the trash!'' ''[the passengers gasp that was said to her]'' Hmph!
:'''Tough Guy''': Hey, I don't want no trouble! ''[picks up the trash]'' I'm picking up the trash. I'm picking up the trash!
:'''Liberty''': ''[praises]'' Thank you. We've all got to take pride in our city. Don't ever forget that. ''[hears the subway speaker]'' This is my stop, it's been a slice. ''[leaves the subway train]''
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[to Liberty]'' I'm gonna turn my life around. I really am.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Back in Adventure Bay, an emergency call in the big screen on the Lookout]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Liberty''': What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
:'''Ryder''': Is there something we can help you with?
:'''Liberty''': ''[agreeing]'' Yes, yes, yes! My name is Liberty, and I'm calling in from Adventure City. Something terrible has happened. Humdinger... was just elected ''mayor''!
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Rubble and Zuma''': ''[shocked]'' '''''HUMDINGER!?!?'''''
:'''Ryder''': He's the worst mayor in the history of mayors!
:'''Rubble''': And that's being generous.
:'''Liberty''': You're telling me, this guy's a disaster! He's going to destroy the whole city! Please, we need your help. Come quickly. ''[ends her call]''
:'''Ryder''': Adventure City's in trouble. Come on pups, pack your things! No city's too big, no pup's too small!
:''[The pups are excited and start howling, but Ryder sees Chase goes into the elevator]''
:'''Ryder''': What's wrong, Chase?
:'''Chase''': I'm not going.
:'''Ryder''': We have to go. They need us.
:'''Chase''': ''[refused]'' I'm ''never'' going back to Adventure City! ''[the elevator brings him down]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[worried]'' Chase...
:'''Marshall''': ''[concerned]'' What's got his leash in a knot?
:'''Ryder''': ''[hesitates]'' Chase has a... ''history'' with Adventure City. He has a lot of tough memories from that place...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Skye''': ''[remarking on the new headquarters]'' How can we afford this place?
:'''Ryder''': ''[holding up a PAW Patrol T-shirt featuring Chase, Marshall and Skye in their original [[w:Guru Studio|Guru Studio]] designs]'' Officially licensed PAW Patrol merchandise. This stuff sells like hot-cakes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Marshall rescue the passengers on the upside-down subway and Skye brings Chase back to the streets]''
:'''Ryder''': Okay, that's all of them. ''[to the pups]'' Good job, pups. ''[sees Chase]'' Chase.
:'''Chase''': I don't know what happened.
:'''Ryder''': I'm just glad you're okay.
:'''Chase''': ''[sadly]'' I'm sorry.
:'''Ryder''': No, it's my fault. I though you'll be okay in Adventure City. But still too much for you.
:'''Chase''': I'll be fine. I, I just need to...
:'''Ryder''': You're not fine. You need to take a break. We'll take care of the recuses for a while.
:'''Chase''': What? No, that's not fair.
:'''Ryder''': I'm sorry, Chase. I know it's hard, but it's the way it's gotta be.
: ''[A heartbroken Chase backs away from Ryder, feeling like he can no longer trust him]''
:'''Chase''': ''[angrily]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything would be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
:'''Ryder''': ''[hurt by Chase's words]'' Chase...
:''[Feeling that Ryder betrayed his trust, Chase runs away out of heartbreak]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[runs after Chase]'' Chase, wait!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The pups, Liberty, and Ryder saw the storm in the sky on the window as they got shocked]''
:'''Zuma''': Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
:''[The lightning scares Rubble, as he screams and hides on Liberty and Skye]''
:'''Skye''': ''[sarcastically]'' Rubble.
:'''Rubble''': What? Lightning is frightening.
:''[An emergency call in the big screen and its ringing]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Kendra Wilson''': What's ''the'' emergency?! The mesoscale convective system is causing exponential thermal lift and catastrophic downbursts at over ''190 knots!''
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Zuma and Liberty''': ''[confused]'' '''''WHAT?!'''''
:'''Rubble''': ''[to Kendra]'' It's a super, bad storm. ''[to the other pups]'' Come on, guys, keep up.
:'''Kendra Wilson''': Finally, ''somebody'' gets me. This is ''not'' a regular storm. It’s being caused by a weather-control device that’s unleashing weeks’ worth of bad weather ''all at once!''
:'''Ryder''': Take cover. We're on our way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[When Marshall and Rocky brings the people to get inside of Humdinger Heights, Rubble is wearing Marty Muckraker's wig]''
:'''Marty Muckraker''': Hey, that's my hair! Where did you find it?
:'''Rubble''': The hair ''found'' me. It was my destiny.
:'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[yanks his wig from Rubble]'' Well, that's ''my'' signature look! ''[puts his wig on his head]'' Buy your own hair.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The Cloud Catcher is destroyed and the skies are clear again and sunny, Skye falls from the air with joy, then she uses her jet-pack to fly to safety, as she landed, the pups are impressed]''
:'''Marshall''': Good job, Skye!
:'''Zuma''': That was totally awesome!
:'''Liberty''': You’re definitely my favorite pup!
:'''Skye''': ''[hopefully]'' I hope Ryder got insurance on my copter.
:''[Skye saw her helicopter was crashed on the ground behind her, Rocky was next, as he looked on it and making her upset]''
:'''Rocky''': That'll buff right out. ''[Skye looked at him in annoyance for he was joking]''
:''[Chase and Ryder comes out of the building and the pups are happy to see them]''
:'''Rubble''': ''[relieved]'' He's okay!
:'''Marshall''': All right!
:''[The other pups tackles Ryder and they licking and hugging him]''
:'''Skye''': ''[to the other male pups]'' Okay, okay, give him some air.
:'''Liberty''': [''concerned]'' How do you feel?
:'''Ryder''': ''[laughs]'' Covered in drool!
:'''Rubble''': ''[joked]'' I can’t help it, I’m a bulldog! My tongue is ''too'' big for my mouth. See? ''[shows them with his tongue and they started to laugh]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[picks up Chase's hat; to the pups]'' You did good, pups. ''[puts on Chase's hat on his head and he patted him]''
:''[The pups started to howl and they laughed, the citizens are cheering for the PAW Patrol and they come out from Humdinger Heights]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[comes out and trying to escape]'' Time for me to get out of here.
:'''Chase''': ''[angered]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! ''[the PAW Patrol spots Mayor Humdinger, and they started to staring at him]'' You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangermnt, and dog-napping.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[to Chase]'' You can’t arrest me! I’m the mayor! ''[laughing and escapes, then his kittens drops them and run away]''
:'''Marshall''': ''[alarmed]'' He's getting away!
:'''Skye''': Arf! Mini-drone! ''[releases her drone in her jet-pack and flies to catch Mayor Humdinger]''
:''[Mayor Humdinger running to escape, but the drone's hook is holding his pants, as it flies on the center by the PAW Patrol and the citizens]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[infuriated]'' Put me down! Nobody makes a fool of Mayor Humdinger five times in the same day!
:''[The hook was on Mayor Humdinger's pants is ripped off and makes him fall, then he shrieks and cover his underpants]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[dismayed]'' Well, this is humiliating.
:'''Butch''': ''[puts Mayor Humdinger's hat to him]'' Here you go, boss.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': That's better.
:

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Closing lines, Ryder's phone interrupts his speech and gets a call from Harris and tells him that there is trouble at the waterfront]''
:
:
:'''Chase''': ''[to Ryder; along with Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!
:'''Ryder''': ''[to the citizens]'' Sorry, folks. Duty calls.

==Taglines==
* Our fate is in their paws.
* A Nose for Adventure (Chase tagline)
* New Dog, New Tricks (Liberty tagline)
* Can You Dig It? (Rubble tagline)
* She's So Fly (Skye tagline)
* Coming in Hot (Marshall tagline)
* Not Afraid to Get His Paws Dirty (Rocky tagline)
* Diving Into Adventure (Zuma tagline)

==Voice cast==
* [[w:Iain Armitage|Iain Armitage]] - Chase
* Will Brisbin - Ryder
* [[w:Marsai Martin|Marsai Martin]] - Liberty
* [[w:Ron Pardo|Ron Pardo]] - Mayor Humdinger/Cap'n Turbot
* Keegan Hedley - Rubble
* [[w:Lilly Bartlam|Lilly Bartlam]] - Skye
* Kingsley Marshall - Marshall
* Callum Shoniker - Rocky
* Shayle Simons - Zuma
* [[w:Yara Shahidi|Yara Shahidi]] - Kendra Wilson
* [[w:Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West]] - Delores
* [[Randall Park]] - Butch
* [[w:Dax Shepard|Dax Shepard]] - Ruben
* [[Tyler Perry]] - Gus
* [[Jimmy Kimmel]] - Marty Muckraker
* [[w:Kim Roberts (actress)|Kim Roberts]] - Mayor Goodway
* [[w:Paul Braunstein|Paul Braunstein]] - Tough Guy
* Monique Alvarez - Carmen
* [[w:Jamillah Ross|Jamillah Ross]] - Camerawoman
* [[w:Josh Robert Thompson|Josh Robert Thompson]] - Technician
* Josh Graham - Computer Voice
* [[w:Neil Crone|Neil Crone]] - Tony
* [[w:Joe Pingue|Joe Pingue]] - Barney
* Charlie Gallant - Harris
* Richard Binsley - Rocket
* [[w:Raoul Bhaneja |Raoul Bhaneja]] - Man
* [[w:Saara Chaudry|Saara Chaudry]] - Girl
* Kevin Duhaney - Window Washer
* Eva Olivia - Kitten Catastrophe Crew/Chickaletta

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
[[Category:PAW Patrol]]
[[Category:2021 films]]
[[Category:Canadian films]]
[[Category:2020s American animated films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Animated films about dogs]]
[[Category:Films about children]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated action films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Nickelodeon films]]
[[Category:Films based on animated television series]]</text>
      <sha1>lv9dmxyurr9hutro0xpasjz8tiy1m53</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147663</id>
      <parentid>3147662</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T19:21:12Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>112.203.220.63</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="20664" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title|bottom|2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film adaption of the television series directed by Cal Brunker}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
'''''{{w|PAW Patrol: The Movie}}''''' is a 2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] produced by {{w|Nickelodeon Movies}} and distributed by {{w|Paramount Pictures}}. The film stars the voices of {{w|Iain Armitage}}, {{w|Marsai Martin}}, {{w|Ron Pardo}}, {{w|Yara Shahidi}}, {{w|Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West}}, [[Randall Park]], {{w|Dax Shepard}}, with [[Tyler Perry]], and [[Jimmy Kimmel]], introducing {{w|Will Brisbin}}. In the film, Ryder and the pups are called to Adventure City to stop the corrupt rival Mayor Humdinger from turning the bustling metropolis into a state of chaos to face the challenge in order to save the citizens of Adventure City.

:''Directed by [[w:Cal Brunker|Cal Brunker]] and written by [[w:Billy Frolick|Billy Frolick]] and [[w:Bob Barlen|Bob Barlen]]. Based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] by {{w|Keith Chapman}}.''

{{center|'''Our fate is in their paws.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Chase ==
* ''[when facing of his fear to his situation]'' I can do this...
* ''[to Gus]'' You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally.
* ''[to Ryder that he and his friends are going to Adventure City]'' I'm afraid if I go back there, everyone will see I'm still that scared little puppy, and not the hero they think I am.
* ''[when his friends are amazed and he gets terrified as they arrived Adventure City]'' It's a lot... ''bigger'' than I remember.
* ''[first ride with his new rocket-powered police cruiser]'' Oh, I could get used to this!
* ''[sees the citizens trapped in the City Hall balcony on fire]'' Ryder, we've got people trapped on the balcony! I'm going in!
* ''[after Ryder checks him and tells him that he fails his first mission]'' I can't believe I forgot to disconnect my parachute. It's Air Rescue 101.
* ''[backs away from Ryder]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything will be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
* ''[after Ryder tells him about his backstory, then he asks him to go to work and he agrees]'' Ready for action, Ryder, sir.
* ''[Ryder gives him a nice catch by a flying car]'' You can count on me, Ryder.
* ''[driving to save Ryder with his motorcycle]'' I'm coming, Ryder!
* ''[when Mayor Humdinger tries to escape with his kittens, and he catches him]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangerment, and dog-napping.
* ''[when Ryder receives a call from Harris, he, Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!

== Liberty ==
* ''[first call when she is a big fan of the PAW Patrol]'' What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
* ''[running and escapes with the unstable fireworks]'' '''''THIS IS WHY DOGS HATE FIREWORKS!!!'''''
* ''[the PAW Patrol reached and arrived at the City Hall]'' You have reached your destination.
* ''[the photographers are taking pictures to Chase's friends, then she enters and talks to them]'' Hey, hey! Anyone want a picture with me? I'm kind of like an honorary member of the PAW Patrol. You should have seen me out there. I was like, &quot;Turn left, turn right, turn left, turn right!&quot; It was amazing!
* ''[Butch and Ruben caught and thrown her in the van, then she pretends to be captured]'' '''''OH, NO! PLEASE! LET ME GO!!!''''' Don't take me to exactly the same place you took the other dogs, in this white van! License plate number YVP 8624!
* ''[to Delores for embarrassment]'' You talk a lot of trash for a dog that looks like a toilet brush.
* ''[encouraging Chase]'' So? Who cares if you're scared? Heroes get scared all the time. ''['''Chase''': They do?]'' Of course they do. But even through they're scared, they push through and keep going. That's what make them heroes.
* ''[surprising Chase that the wall is wrecked and revealed to be Rubble]'' I brought ''backup''!
* ''[Ryder surprising her to a rocket-powered scooter; calmly]'' Okay, Liberty. Play it cool, play it cool. ''[then she gets excitedly]'' '''''AAH!!! THIS IS AMAZING! IT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!''''' I've never been so happy! It's like my whole life has been building towards this moment! All of my dreams have come true! ''[faints]'' It's so amazing!
* ''[Ryder gives her own pup-tag after they saved Adventure City and she becomes official member of the PAW Patrol]'' I'm official! Hey! Check me out! I'm officially official! Official member of the PAW Patrol, right here!

== Mayor Humdinger ==
* ''[when his top hat is flew away or it gets destroyed]'' My top hat!
* You know, they call this place Adventure City, but what’s so adventure-y about it? The truth is, it’s ''boring''. Libraries? ''[drops the library]'' Boring! Museums? ''[drops the museum]'' Boring! Cute little dog parks? ''[the citizens in awe; sarcastically]'' Ugh, definitely boring! ''[taunting Liberty]'' But don’t worry, I’m gonna put the adventure back in Adventure City! When I’m done with this place, you won’t even recognize it.
* ''[to Butch and Ruben to get rid of the PAW Patrol for necessary]'' I want the PAW Patrol off the streets now! Find them, catch them, and lock them away.
* ''[after Chase puts him under arrest]'' You can't arrest me! I'm the mayor!

== Delores ==
* ''[when Liberty founds Chase and needs him to get out of the obedience school, then she gets sarcastically]'' Puh-lease! This scrawny, little purse pup is gonna pull a jailbreak?

== Butch ==
* ''[gives Mayor Humdinger his hat to his defeat]'' Here you go, boss.

== Others ==
*'''Kendra Wilson''': ''[gives a speech about the PAW Patrol saved Adventure City]'' Adventure City is our home. It's up to all of us to take care of it. But once in a while, a group of heroes go above and beyond the call of duty. They look out for their neighbors before they look out for themselves. And they're so darn cute, I just want to ''squeeze'' 'em!
*'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[gives a news report about the PAW Patrol's arrival in Adventure City]'' Guardians. Heroes. Cute little dogs and adorable outfits. Whatever you call them, the PAW Patrol were here to save the city from Mayor Humdinger's disastrous fireworks debacle. As a professional journalist, it's important that I remain unbiased. That being said; O''oh, yikes!'' An embarrassing start for Mayor Humdinger, but an incredible debut for the PAW Patrol in Adventure City.
*'''Rubble''': ''[Ryder shows the pups a self serving pup-treat dispenser, he sings angelic and make the other pups laugh]'' What? It's a beautiful thing.
*'''Skye''': ''[when Ryder tells her to be careful while she goes to stop the Cloud Catcher with her helicopter]'' Don't worry about me. I can handle a little ''turbulence''.
*'''Marshall''': ''[jumps off the holograms of the city, then he thrown himself on Rocky and Rubble]'' Next time, warn me before you stick a building up my nose.
*'''Rocky''': [when ''the others got stuck in traffic, he shouts to the traffic light]'' '''Green means go! ''Green means go''!''' ''[to Marshall]'' Green does ''still'' mean go, right?
*'''Zuma''': [''the pups, Liberty and Ryder gets shocked and sees Mayor Humdinger's tallest skyscraper and the big storm in the sky]'' Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
*'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[at the ceremony for the PAW Patrol, he talks to the Tough Guy]'' Me and the PAW Patrol? We go ''way'' back!

== Dialogue ==
:''[First lines, in the Spin Master Entertainment logo, Marshall the firefighting pup enters onscreen, but he tumbles into the Spin Master logo and the logo spins]''
:'''Marshall''': Whoa! I'm okay.
:''[Chase the police pup appears and uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to stop the logo from spinning, then he words &quot;entertainment&quot; appears, as Marshall and Chase look at the audience]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[sees Gus the truck driver is stuck on the bridge]'' Oh, my. That's not good. That's not good at all. ''[to Gus]'' Good morning there, friend! Looks like you're in a particularly precarious predicament.
:'''Gus''': Call the police! Call the fire department! ''[the truck door fall it open]'' Call everybody!
:'''Cap'n Turbot''': You're in Adventure Bay. ''[shows his phone to Gus]'' Here, we call the PAW Patrol!
:'''Gus''': You're gonna call the who?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ryder''': Chase, it's all up to you. Use the winch in your pup-pack to get the driver and bring him to safety.
:'''Chase''': Chase is on the case! ''[rushes on the bridge to free Gus]'' Arf! Grappling hook!
:''[Chase uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to secures on top on the bridge, he jumps off the bridge, howling and his hook was hanging on top, then he comes down]''
:'''Chase''': Sir, don't be alarmed. I'm coming down!
:'''Gus''': Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! The rescue team is here! ''[sees Chase]'' A ''dog!?''
:'''Chase''': Actually, sir, I'm a puppy.
:'''Gus''': A ''baby dog!?'' That's even worse!
:'''Chase''': You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally. Now, let's get you outta here.
:'''Gus''': No way! I'm waiting right here for a real rescue. ''[the truck lows even more]'' '''''AAH!!!''''' I changed my mind! ''[grabs Chase]'' I'll go with you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[In Adventure City, a Tough Guy eating a donut and throw his trash on a leg of a dachshund named Liberty]''
:'''Liberty''': Huh? Oh, um. ''[to a Tough Guy]'' Hey, excuse me? You dropped something.
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[frustrated]'' I'm done with it! Buzz off, ''wiener dog.''
:'''Liberty''': ''[angered]'' ''Wiener dog''?! Maybe you should just pick that up and put it in the trash!
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah, or what?
:'''Liberty''': Or I'm going to pick you up and put ''you in the trash!'' ''[the passengers gasp that was said to her]'' Hmph!
:'''Tough Guy''': Hey, I don't want no trouble! ''[picks up the trash]'' I'm picking up the trash. I'm picking up the trash!
:'''Liberty''': ''[praises]'' Thank you. We've all got to take pride in our city. Don't ever forget that. ''[hears the subway speaker]'' This is my stop, it's been a slice. ''[leaves the subway train]''
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[to Liberty]'' I'm gonna turn my life around. I really am.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Back in Adventure Bay, an emergency call in the big screen on the Lookout]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Liberty''': What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
:'''Ryder''': Is there something we can help you with?
:'''Liberty''': ''[agreeing]'' Yes, yes, yes! My name is Liberty, and I'm calling in from Adventure City. Something terrible has happened. Humdinger... was just elected ''mayor''!
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Rubble and Zuma''': ''[shocked]'' '''''HUMDINGER!?!?'''''
:'''Ryder''': He's the worst mayor in the history of mayors!
:'''Rubble''': And that's being generous.
:'''Liberty''': You're telling me, this guy's a disaster! He's going to destroy the whole city! Please, we need your help. Come quickly. ''[ends her call]''
:'''Ryder''': Adventure City's in trouble. Come on pups, pack your things! No city's too big, no pup's too small!
:''[The pups are excited and start howling, but Ryder sees Chase goes into the elevator]''
:'''Ryder''': What's wrong, Chase?
:'''Chase''': I'm not going.
:'''Ryder''': We have to go. They need us.
:'''Chase''': ''[refused]'' I'm ''never'' going back to Adventure City! ''[the elevator brings him down]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[worried]'' Chase...
:'''Marshall''': ''[concerned]'' What's got his leash in a knot?
:'''Ryder''': ''[hesitates]'' Chase has a... ''history'' with Adventure City. He has a lot of tough memories from that place...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Skye''': ''[remarking on the new headquarters]'' How can we afford this place?
:'''Ryder''': ''[holding up a PAW Patrol T-shirt featuring Chase, Marshall and Skye in their original [[w:Guru Studio|Guru Studio]] designs]'' Officially licensed PAW Patrol merchandise. This stuff sells like hot-cakes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Marshall rescue the passengers on the upside-down subway and Skye brings Chase back to the streets]''
:'''Ryder''': Okay, that's all of them. ''[to the pups]'' Good job, pups. ''[sees Chase]'' Chase.
:'''Chase''': I don't know what happened.
:'''Ryder''': I'm just glad you're okay.
:'''Chase''': ''[sadly]'' I'm sorry.
:'''Ryder''': No, it's my fault. I though you'll be okay in Adventure City. But still too much for you.
:'''Chase''': I'll be fine. I, I just need to...
:'''Ryder''': You're not fine. You need to take a break. We'll take care of the recuses for a while.
:'''Chase''': What? No, that's not fair.
:'''Ryder''': I'm sorry, Chase. I know it's hard, but it's the way it's gotta be.
: ''[A heartbroken Chase backs away from Ryder, feeling like he can no longer trust him]''
:'''Chase''': ''[angrily]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything would be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
:'''Ryder''': ''[hurt by Chase's words]'' Chase...
:''[Feeling that Ryder betrayed his trust, Chase runs away out of heartbreak]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[runs after Chase]'' Chase, wait!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The pups, Liberty, and Ryder saw the storm in the sky on the window as they got shocked]''
:'''Zuma''': Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
:''[The lightning scares Rubble, as he screams and hides on Liberty and Skye]''
:'''Skye''': ''[sarcastically]'' Rubble.
:'''Rubble''': What? Lightning is frightening.
:''[An emergency call in the big screen and its ringing]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Kendra Wilson''': What's ''the'' emergency?! The mesoscale convective system is causing exponential thermal lift and catastrophic downbursts at over ''190 knots!''
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Zuma and Liberty''': ''[confused]'' '''''WHAT?!'''''
:'''Rubble''': ''[to Kendra]'' It's a super, bad storm. ''[to the other pups]'' Come on, guys, keep up.
:'''Kendra Wilson''': Finally, ''somebody'' gets me. This is ''not'' a regular storm. It’s being caused by a weather-control device that’s unleashing weeks’ worth of bad weather ''all at once!''
:'''Ryder''': Take cover. We're on our way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[When Marshall and Rocky brings the people to get inside of Humdinger Heights, Rubble is wearing Marty Muckraker's wig]''
:'''Marty Muckraker''': Hey, that's my hair! Where did you find it?
:'''Rubble''': The hair ''found'' me. It was my destiny.
:'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[yanks his wig from Rubble]'' Well, that's ''my'' signature look! ''[puts his wig on his head]'' Buy your own hair.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The Cloud Catcher is destroyed and the skies are clear again and sunny, Skye falls from the air with joy, then she uses her jet-pack to fly to safety, as she landed, the pups are impressed]''
:'''Marshall''': Good job, Skye!
:'''Zuma''': That was totally awesome!
:'''Liberty''': You’re definitely my favorite pup!
:'''Skye''': ''[hopefully]'' I hope Ryder got insurance on my copter.
:''[Skye saw her helicopter was crashed on the ground behind her, Rocky was next, as he looked on it and making her upset]''
:'''Rocky''': That'll buff right out. ''[Skye looked at him in annoyance for he was joking]''
:''[Chase and Ryder comes out of the building and the pups are happy to see them]''
:'''Rubble''': ''[relieved]'' He's okay!
:'''Marshall''': All right!
:''[The other pups tackles Ryder and they licking and hugging him]''
:'''Skye''': ''[to the other male pups]'' Okay, okay, give him some air.
:'''Liberty''': [''concerned]'' How do you feel?
:'''Ryder''': ''[laughs]'' Covered in drool!
:'''Rubble''': ''[joked]'' I can’t help it, I’m a bulldog! My tongue is ''too'' big for my mouth. See? ''[shows them with his tongue and they started to laugh]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[picks up Chase's hat; to the pups]'' You did good, pups. ''[puts on Chase's hat on his head and he patted him]''
:''[The pups started to howl and they laughed, the citizens are cheering for the PAW Patrol and they come out from Humdinger Heights]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[comes out and trying to escape]'' Time for me to get out of here.
:'''Chase''': ''[angered]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! ''[the PAW Patrol spots Mayor Humdinger, and they started to staring at him]'' You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangermnt, and dog-napping.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[to Chase]'' You can’t arrest me! I’m the mayor! ''[laughing and escapes, then his kittens drops them and run away]''
:'''Marshall''': ''[alarmed]'' He's getting away!
:'''Skye''': Arf! Mini-drone! ''[releases her drone in her jet-pack and flies to catch Mayor Humdinger]''
:''[Mayor Humdinger running to escape, but the drone's hook is holding his pants, as it flies on the center by the PAW Patrol and the citizens]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[infuriated]'' Put me down! Nobody makes a fool of Mayor Humdinger five times in the same day!
:''[The hook was on Mayor Humdinger's pants is ripped off and makes him fall, then he shrieks and cover his underpants]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[dismayed]'' Well, this is humiliating.
:'''Butch''': ''[puts Mayor Humdinger's hat to him]'' Here you go, boss.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': That's better.
:

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Closing lines, Ryder's phone interrupts his speech and gets a call from Harris and tells him that there is trouble at the waterfront]''
:C
:
:'''Chase''': ''[to Ryder; along with Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!
:'''Ryder''': ''[to the citizens]'' Sorry, folks. Duty calls.

==Taglines==
* Our fate is in their paws.
* A Nose for Adventure (Chase tagline)
* New Dog, New Tricks (Liberty tagline)
* Can You Dig It? (Rubble tagline)
* She's So Fly (Skye tagline)
* Coming in Hot (Marshall tagline)
* Not Afraid to Get His Paws Dirty (Rocky tagline)
* Diving Into Adventure (Zuma tagline)

==Voice cast==
* [[w:Iain Armitage|Iain Armitage]] - Chase
* Will Brisbin - Ryder
* [[w:Marsai Martin|Marsai Martin]] - Liberty
* [[w:Ron Pardo|Ron Pardo]] - Mayor Humdinger/Cap'n Turbot
* Keegan Hedley - Rubble
* [[w:Lilly Bartlam|Lilly Bartlam]] - Skye
* Kingsley Marshall - Marshall
* Callum Shoniker - Rocky
* Shayle Simons - Zuma
* [[w:Yara Shahidi|Yara Shahidi]] - Kendra Wilson
* [[w:Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West]] - Delores
* [[Randall Park]] - Butch
* [[w:Dax Shepard|Dax Shepard]] - Ruben
* [[Tyler Perry]] - Gus
* [[Jimmy Kimmel]] - Marty Muckraker
* [[w:Kim Roberts (actress)|Kim Roberts]] - Mayor Goodway
* [[w:Paul Braunstein|Paul Braunstein]] - Tough Guy
* Monique Alvarez - Carmen
* [[w:Jamillah Ross|Jamillah Ross]] - Camerawoman
* [[w:Josh Robert Thompson|Josh Robert Thompson]] - Technician
* Josh Graham - Computer Voice
* [[w:Neil Crone|Neil Crone]] - Tony
* [[w:Joe Pingue|Joe Pingue]] - Barney
* Charlie Gallant - Harris
* Richard Binsley - Rocket
* [[w:Raoul Bhaneja |Raoul Bhaneja]] - Man
* [[w:Saara Chaudry|Saara Chaudry]] - Girl
* Kevin Duhaney - Window Washer
* Eva Olivia - Kitten Catastrophe Crew/Chickaletta

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
[[Category:PAW Patrol]]
[[Category:2021 films]]
[[Category:Canadian films]]
[[Category:2020s American animated films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Animated films about dogs]]
[[Category:Films about children]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated action films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Nickelodeon films]]
[[Category:Films based on animated television series]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3147666</id>
      <parentid>3147663</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T19:23:34Z</timestamp>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="20663" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title|bottom|2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film adaption of the television series directed by Cal Brunker}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
'''''{{w|PAW Patrol: The Movie}}''''' is a 2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] produced by {{w|Nickelodeon Movies}} and distributed by {{w|Paramount Pictures}}. The film stars the voices of {{w|Iain Armitage}}, {{w|Marsai Martin}}, {{w|Ron Pardo}}, {{w|Yara Shahidi}}, {{w|Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West}}, [[Randall Park]], {{w|Dax Shepard}}, with [[Tyler Perry]], and [[Jimmy Kimmel]], introducing {{w|Will Brisbin}}. In the film, Ryder and the pups are called to Adventure City to stop the corrupt rival Mayor Humdinger from turning the bustling metropolis into a state of chaos to face the challenge in order to save the citizens of Adventure City.

:''Directed by [[w:Cal Brunker|Cal Brunker]] and written by [[w:Billy Frolick|Billy Frolick]] and [[w:Bob Barlen|Bob Barlen]]. Based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] by {{w|Keith Chapman}}.''

{{center|'''Our fate is in their paws.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Chase ==
* ''[when facing of his fear to his situation]'' I can do this...
* ''[to Gus]'' You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally.
* ''[to Ryder that he and his friends are going to Adventure City]'' I'm afraid if I go back there, everyone will see I'm still that scared little puppy, and not the hero they think I am.
* ''[when his friends are amazed and he gets terrified as they arrived Adventure City]'' It's a lot... ''bigger'' than I remember.
* ''[first ride with his new rocket-powered police cruiser]'' Oh, I could get used to this!
* ''[sees the citizens trapped in the City Hall balcony on fire]'' Ryder, we've got people trapped on the balcony! I'm going in!
* ''[after Ryder checks him and tells him that he fails his first mission]'' I can't believe I forgot to disconnect my parachute. It's Air Rescue 101.
* ''[backs away from Ryder]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything will be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
* ''[after Ryder tells him about his backstory, then he asks him to go to work and he agrees]'' Ready for action, Ryder, sir.
* ''[Ryder gives him a nice catch by a flying car]'' You can count on me, Ryder.
* ''[driving to save Ryder with his motorcycle]'' I'm coming, Ryder!
* ''[when Mayor Humdinger tries to escape with his kittens, and he catches him]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangerment, and dog-napping.
* ''[when Ryder receives a call from Harris, he, Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!

== Liberty ==
* ''[first call when she is a big fan of the PAW Patrol]'' What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
* ''[running and escapes with the unstable fireworks]'' '''''THIS IS WHY DOGS HATE FIREWORKS!!!'''''
* ''[the PAW Patrol reached and arrived at the City Hall]'' You have reached your destination.
* ''[the photographers are taking pictures to Chase's friends, then she enters and talks to them]'' Hey, hey! Anyone want a picture with me? I'm kind of like an honorary member of the PAW Patrol. You should have seen me out there. I was like, &quot;Turn left, turn right, turn left, turn right!&quot; It was amazing!
* ''[Butch and Ruben caught and thrown her in the van, then she pretends to be captured]'' '''''OH, NO! PLEASE! LET ME GO!!!''''' Don't take me to exactly the same place you took the other dogs, in this white van! License plate number YVP 8624!
* ''[to Delores for embarrassment]'' You talk a lot of trash for a dog that looks like a toilet brush.
* ''[encouraging Chase]'' So? Who cares if you're scared? Heroes get scared all the time. ''['''Chase''': They do?]'' Of course they do. But even through they're scared, they push through and keep going. That's what make them heroes.
* ''[surprising Chase that the wall is wrecked and revealed to be Rubble]'' I brought ''backup''!
* ''[Ryder surprising her to a rocket-powered scooter; calmly]'' Okay, Liberty. Play it cool, play it cool. ''[then she gets excitedly]'' '''''AAH!!! THIS IS AMAZING! IT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!''''' I've never been so happy! It's like my whole life has been building towards this moment! All of my dreams have come true! ''[faints]'' It's so amazing!
* ''[Ryder gives her own pup-tag after they saved Adventure City and she becomes official member of the PAW Patrol]'' I'm official! Hey! Check me out! I'm officially official! Official member of the PAW Patrol, right here!

== Mayor Humdinger ==
* ''[when his top hat is flew away or it gets destroyed]'' My top hat!
* You know, they call this place Adventure City, but what’s so adventure-y about it? The truth is, it’s ''boring''. Libraries? ''[drops the library]'' Boring! Museums? ''[drops the museum]'' Boring! Cute little dog parks? ''[the citizens in awe; sarcastically]'' Ugh, definitely boring! ''[taunting Liberty]'' But don’t worry, I’m gonna put the adventure back in Adventure City! When I’m done with this place, you won’t even recognize it.
* ''[to Butch and Ruben to get rid of the PAW Patrol for necessary]'' I want the PAW Patrol off the streets now! Find them, catch them, and lock them away.
* ''[after Chase puts him under arrest]'' You can't arrest me! I'm the mayor!

== Delores ==
* ''[when Liberty founds Chase and needs him to get out of the obedience school, then she gets sarcastically]'' Puh-lease! This scrawny, little purse pup is gonna pull a jailbreak?

== Butch ==
* ''[gives Mayor Humdinger his hat to his defeat]'' Here you go, boss.

== Others ==
*'''Kendra Wilson''': ''[gives a speech about the PAW Patrol saved Adventure City]'' Adventure City is our home. It's up to all of us to take care of it. But once in a while, a group of heroes go above and beyond the call of duty. They look out for their neighbors before they look out for themselves. And they're so darn cute, I just want to ''squeeze'' 'em!
*'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[gives a news report about the PAW Patrol's arrival in Adventure City]'' Guardians. Heroes. Cute little dogs and adorable outfits. Whatever you call them, the PAW Patrol were here to save the city from Mayor Humdinger's disastrous fireworks debacle. As a professional journalist, it's important that I remain unbiased. That being said; O''oh, yikes!'' An embarrassing start for Mayor Humdinger, but an incredible debut for the PAW Patrol in Adventure City.
*'''Rubble''': ''[Ryder shows the pups a self serving pup-treat dispenser, he sings angelic and make the other pups laugh]'' What? It's a beautiful thing.
*'''Skye''': ''[when Ryder tells her to be careful while she goes to stop the Cloud Catcher with her helicopter]'' Don't worry about me. I can handle a little ''turbulence''.
*'''Marshall''': ''[jumps off the holograms of the city, then he thrown himself on Rocky and Rubble]'' Next time, warn me before you stick a building up my nose.
*'''Rocky''': [when ''the others got stuck in traffic, he shouts to the traffic light]'' '''Green means go! ''Green means go''!''' ''[to Marshall]'' Green does ''still'' mean go, right?
*'''Zuma''': [''the pups, Liberty and Ryder gets shocked and sees Mayor Humdinger's tallest skyscraper and the big storm in the sky]'' Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
*'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[at the ceremony for the PAW Patrol, he talks to the Tough Guy]'' Me and the PAW Patrol? We go ''way'' back!

== Dialogue ==
:''[First lines, in the Spin Master Entertainment logo, Marshall the firefighting pup enters onscreen, but he tumbles into the Spin Master logo and the logo spins]''
:'''Marshall''': Whoa! I'm okay.
:''[Chase the police pup appears and uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to stop the logo from spinning, then he words &quot;entertainment&quot; appears, as Marshall and Chase look at the audience]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[sees Gus the truck driver is stuck on the bridge]'' Oh, my. That's not good. That's not good at all. ''[to Gus]'' Good morning there, friend! Looks like you're in a particularly precarious predicament.
:'''Gus''': Call the police! Call the fire department! ''[the truck door fall it open]'' Call everybody!
:'''Cap'n Turbot''': You're in Adventure Bay. ''[shows his phone to Gus]'' Here, we call the PAW Patrol!
:'''Gus''': You're gonna call the who?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ryder''': Chase, it's all up to you. Use the winch in your pup-pack to get the driver and bring him to safety.
:'''Chase''': Chase is on the case! ''[rushes on the bridge to free Gus]'' Arf! Grappling hook!
:''[Chase uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to secures on top on the bridge, he jumps off the bridge, howling and his hook was hanging on top, then he comes down]''
:'''Chase''': Sir, don't be alarmed. I'm coming down!
:'''Gus''': Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! The rescue team is here! ''[sees Chase]'' A ''dog!?''
:'''Chase''': Actually, sir, I'm a puppy.
:'''Gus''': A ''baby dog!?'' That's even worse!
:'''Chase''': You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally. Now, let's get you outta here.
:'''Gus''': No way! I'm waiting right here for a real rescue. ''[the truck lows even more]'' '''''AAH!!!''''' I changed my mind! ''[grabs Chase]'' I'll go with you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[In Adventure City, a Tough Guy eating a donut and throw his trash on a leg of a dachshund named Liberty]''
:'''Liberty''': Huh? Oh, um. ''[to a Tough Guy]'' Hey, excuse me? You dropped something.
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[frustrated]'' I'm done with it! Buzz off, ''wiener dog.''
:'''Liberty''': ''[angered]'' ''Wiener dog''?! Maybe you should just pick that up and put it in the trash!
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah, or what?
:'''Liberty''': Or I'm going to pick you up and put ''you in the trash!'' ''[the passengers gasp that was said to her]'' Hmph!
:'''Tough Guy''': Hey, I don't want no trouble! ''[picks up the trash]'' I'm picking up the trash. I'm picking up the trash!
:'''Liberty''': ''[praises]'' Thank you. We've all got to take pride in our city. Don't ever forget that. ''[hears the subway speaker]'' This is my stop, it's been a slice. ''[leaves the subway train]''
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[to Liberty]'' I'm gonna turn my life around. I really am.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Back in Adventure Bay, an emergency call in the big screen on the Lookout]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Liberty''': What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
:'''Ryder''': Is there something we can help you with?
:'''Liberty''': ''[agreeing]'' Yes, yes, yes! My name is Liberty, and I'm calling in from Adventure City. Something terrible has happened. Humdinger... was just elected ''mayor''!
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Rubble and Zuma''': ''[shocked]'' '''''HUMDINGER!?!?'''''
:'''Ryder''': He's the worst mayor in the history of mayors!
:'''Rubble''': And that's being generous.
:'''Liberty''': You're telling me, this guy's a disaster! He's going to destroy the whole city! Please, we need your help. Come quickly. ''[ends her call]''
:'''Ryder''': Adventure City's in trouble. Come on pups, pack your things! No city's too big, no pup's too small!
:''[The pups are excited and start howling, but Ryder sees Chase goes into the elevator]''
:'''Ryder''': What's wrong, Chase?
:'''Chase''': I'm not going.
:'''Ryder''': We have to go. They need us.
:'''Chase''': ''[refused]'' I'm ''never'' going back to Adventure City! ''[the elevator brings him down]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[worried]'' Chase...
:'''Marshall''': ''[concerned]'' What's got his leash in a knot?
:'''Ryder''': ''[hesitates]'' Chase has a... ''history'' with Adventure City. He has a lot of tough memories from that place...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Skye''': ''[remarking on the new headquarters]'' How can we afford this place?
:'''Ryder''': ''[holding up a PAW Patrol T-shirt featuring Chase, Marshall and Skye in their original [[w:Guru Studio|Guru Studio]] designs]'' Officially licensed PAW Patrol merchandise. This stuff sells like hot-cakes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Marshall rescue the passengers on the upside-down subway and Skye brings Chase back to the streets]''
:'''Ryder''': Okay, that's all of them. ''[to the pups]'' Good job, pups. ''[sees Chase]'' Chase.
:'''Chase''': I don't know what happened.
:'''Ryder''': I'm just glad you're okay.
:'''Chase''': ''[sadly]'' I'm sorry.
:'''Ryder''': No, it's my fault. I though you'll be okay in Adventure City. But still too much for you.
:'''Chase''': I'll be fine. I, I just need to...
:'''Ryder''': You're not fine. You need to take a break. We'll take care of the recuses for a while.
:'''Chase''': What? No, that's not fair.
:'''Ryder''': I'm sorry, Chase. I know it's hard, but it's the way it's gotta be.
: ''[A heartbroken Chase backs away from Ryder, feeling like he can no longer trust him]''
:'''Chase''': ''[angrily]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything would be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
:'''Ryder''': ''[hurt by Chase's words]'' Chase...
:''[Feeling that Ryder betrayed his trust, Chase runs away out of heartbreak]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[runs after Chase]'' Chase, wait!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The pups, Liberty, and Ryder saw the storm in the sky on the window as they got shocked]''
:'''Zuma''': Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
:''[The lightning scares Rubble, as he screams and hides on Liberty and Skye]''
:'''Skye''': ''[sarcastically]'' Rubble.
:'''Rubble''': What? Lightning is frightening.
:''[An emergency call in the big screen and its ringing]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Kendra Wilson''': What's ''the'' emergency?! The mesoscale convective system is causing exponential thermal lift and catastrophic downbursts at over ''190 knots!''
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Zuma and Liberty''': ''[confused]'' '''''WHAT?!'''''
:'''Rubble''': ''[to Kendra]'' It's a super, bad storm. ''[to the other pups]'' Come on, guys, keep up.
:'''Kendra Wilson''': Finally, ''somebody'' gets me. This is ''not'' a regular storm. It’s being caused by a weather-control device that’s unleashing weeks’ worth of bad weather ''all at once!''
:'''Ryder''': Take cover. We're on our way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[When Marshall and Rocky brings the people to get inside of Humdinger Heights, Rubble is wearing Marty Muckraker's wig]''
:'''Marty Muckraker''': Hey, that's my hair! Where did you find it?
:'''Rubble''': The hair ''found'' me. It was my destiny.
:'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[yanks his wig from Rubble]'' Well, that's ''my'' signature look! ''[puts his wig on his head]'' Buy your own hair.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The Cloud Catcher is destroyed and the skies are clear again and sunny, Skye falls from the air with joy, then she uses her jet-pack to fly to safety, as she landed, the pups are impressed]''
:'''Marshall''': Good job, Skye!
:'''Zuma''': That was totally awesome!
:'''Liberty''': You’re definitely my favorite pup!
:'''Skye''': ''[hopefully]'' I hope Ryder got insurance on my copter.
:''[Skye saw her helicopter was crashed on the ground behind her, Rocky was next, as he looked on it and making her upset]''
:'''Rocky''': That'll buff right out. ''[Skye looked at him in annoyance for he was joking]''
:''[Chase and Ryder comes out of the building and the pups are happy to see them]''
:'''Rubble''': ''[relieved]'' He's okay!
:'''Marshall''': All right!
:''[The other pups tackles Ryder and they licking and hugging him]''
:'''Skye''': ''[to the other male pups]'' Okay, okay, give him some air.
:'''Liberty''': [''concerned]'' How do you feel?
:'''Ryder''': ''[laughs]'' Covered in drool!
:'''Rubble''': ''[joked]'' I can’t help it, I’m a bulldog! My tongue is ''too'' big for my mouth. See? ''[shows them with his tongue and they started to laugh]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[picks up Chase's hat; to the pups]'' You did good, pups. ''[puts on Chase's hat on his head and he patted him]''
:''[The pups started to howl and they laughed, the citizens are cheering for the PAW Patrol and they come out from Humdinger Heights]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[comes out and trying to escape]'' Time for me to get out of here.
:'''Chase''': ''[angered]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! ''[the PAW Patrol spots Mayor Humdinger, and they started to staring at him]'' You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangermnt, and dog-napping.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[to Chase]'' You can’t arrest me! I’m the mayor! ''[laughing and escapes, then his kittens drops them and run away]''
:'''Marshall''': ''[alarmed]'' He's getting away!
:'''Skye''': Arf! Mini-drone! ''[releases her drone in her jet-pack and flies to catch Mayor Humdinger]''
:''[Mayor Humdinger running to escape, but the drone's hook is holding his pants, as it flies on the center by the PAW Patrol and the citizens]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[infuriated]'' Put me down! Nobody makes a fool of Mayor Humdinger five times in the same day!
:''[The hook was on Mayor Humdinger's pants is ripped off and makes him fall, then he shrieks and cover his underpants]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[dismayed]'' Well, this is humiliating.
:'''Butch''': ''[puts Mayor Humdinger's hat to him]'' Here you go, boss.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': That's better.
:

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Closing lines, Ryder's phone interrupts his speech and gets a call from Harris and tells him that there is trouble at the waterfront]''
:
:
:'''Chase''': ''[to Ryder; along with Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!
:'''Ryder''': ''[to the citizens]'' Sorry, folks. Duty calls.

==Taglines==
* Our fate is in their paws.
* A Nose for Adventure (Chase tagline)
* New Dog, New Tricks (Liberty tagline)
* Can You Dig It? (Rubble tagline)
* She's So Fly (Skye tagline)
* Coming in Hot (Marshall tagline)
* Not Afraid to Get His Paws Dirty (Rocky tagline)
* Diving Into Adventure (Zuma tagline)

==Voice cast==
* [[w:Iain Armitage|Iain Armitage]] - Chase
* Will Brisbin - Ryder
* [[w:Marsai Martin|Marsai Martin]] - Liberty
* [[w:Ron Pardo|Ron Pardo]] - Mayor Humdinger/Cap'n Turbot
* Keegan Hedley - Rubble
* [[w:Lilly Bartlam|Lilly Bartlam]] - Skye
* Kingsley Marshall - Marshall
* Callum Shoniker - Rocky
* Shayle Simons - Zuma
* [[w:Yara Shahidi|Yara Shahidi]] - Kendra Wilson
* [[w:Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West]] - Delores
* [[Randall Park]] - Butch
* [[w:Dax Shepard|Dax Shepard]] - Ruben
* [[Tyler Perry]] - Gus
* [[Jimmy Kimmel]] - Marty Muckraker
* [[w:Kim Roberts (actress)|Kim Roberts]] - Mayor Goodway
* [[w:Paul Braunstein|Paul Braunstein]] - Tough Guy
* Monique Alvarez - Carmen
* [[w:Jamillah Ross|Jamillah Ross]] - Camerawoman
* [[w:Josh Robert Thompson|Josh Robert Thompson]] - Technician
* Josh Graham - Computer Voice
* [[w:Neil Crone|Neil Crone]] - Tony
* [[w:Joe Pingue|Joe Pingue]] - Barney
* Charlie Gallant - Harris
* Richard Binsley - Rocket
* [[w:Raoul Bhaneja |Raoul Bhaneja]] - Man
* [[w:Saara Chaudry|Saara Chaudry]] - Girl
* Kevin Duhaney - Window Washer
* Eva Olivia - Kitten Catastrophe Crew/Chickaletta

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
[[Category:PAW Patrol]]
[[Category:2021 films]]
[[Category:Canadian films]]
[[Category:2020s American animated films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Animated films about dogs]]
[[Category:Films about children]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated action films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Nickelodeon films]]
[[Category:Films based on animated television series]]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147667</id>
      <parentid>3147666</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T19:25:00Z</timestamp>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="20661" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title|bottom|2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film adaption of the television series directed by Cal Brunker}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
'''''{{w|PAW Patrol: The Movie}}''''' is a 2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] produced by {{w|Nickelodeon Movies}} and distributed by {{w|Paramount Pictures}}. The film stars the voices of {{w|Iain Armitage}}, {{w|Marsai Martin}}, {{w|Ron Pardo}}, {{w|Yara Shahidi}}, {{w|Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West}}, [[Randall Park]], {{w|Dax Shepard}}, with [[Tyler Perry]], and [[Jimmy Kimmel]], introducing {{w|Will Brisbin}}. In the film, Ryder and the pups are called to Adventure City to stop the corrupt rival Mayor Humdinger from turning the bustling metropolis into a state of chaos to face the challenge in order to save the citizens of Adventure City.

:''Directed by [[w:Cal Brunker|Cal Brunker]] and written by [[w:Billy Frolick|Billy Frolick]] and [[w:Bob Barlen|Bob Barlen]]. Based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] by {{w|Keith Chapman}}.''

{{center|'''Our fate is in their paws.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Chase ==
* ''[when facing his fear to his situation]'' I can do this...
* ''[to Gus]'' You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally.
* ''[to Ryder that he and his friends are going to Adventure City]'' I'm afraid if I go back there, everyone will see I'm still that scared little puppy, and not the hero they think I am.
* ''[when his friends are amazed and he gets terrified as they arrived Adventure City]'' It's a lot... ''bigger'' than I remember.
* ''[first ride with his new rocket-powered police cruiser]'' Oh, I could get used to this!
* ''[sees the citizens trapped in the City Hall balcony on fire]'' Ryder, we've got people trapped on the balcony! I'm going in!
* ''[after Ryder checks him and tells him that he fails his first mission]'' I can't believe I forgot to disconnect my parachute. It's Air Rescue 101.
* ''[backs away from Ryder]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything will be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
* ''[after Ryder tells him about his backstory, then he asks him to go to work and he agrees]'' Ready for action, Ryder, sir.
* ''[Ryder gives him a nice catch by a flying car]'' You can count on me, Ryder.
* ''[driving to save Ryder with his motorcycle]'' I'm coming, Ryder!
* ''[when Mayor Humdinger tries to escape with his kittens, and he catches him]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangerment, and dog-napping.
* ''[when Ryder receives a call from Harris, him, Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!

== Liberty ==
* ''[first call when she is a big fan of the PAW Patrol]'' What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
* ''[running and escapes with the unstable fireworks]'' '''''THIS IS WHY DOGS HATE FIREWORKS!!!'''''
* ''[the PAW Patrol reached and arrived at the City Hall]'' You have reached your destination.
* ''[the photographers are taking pictures to Chase's friends, then she enters and talks to them]'' Hey, hey! Anyone want a picture with me? I'm kind of like an honorary member of the PAW Patrol. You should have seen me out there. I was like, &quot;Turn left, turn right, turn left, turn right!&quot; It was amazing!
* ''[Butch and Ruben caught and thrown her in the van, then she pretends to be captured]'' '''''OH, NO! PLEASE! LET ME GO!!!''''' Don't take me to exactly the same place you took the other dogs, in this white van! License plate number YVP 8624!
* ''[to Delores for embarrassment]'' You talk a lot of trash for a dog that looks like a toilet brush.
* ''[encouraging Chase]'' So? Who cares if you're scared? Heroes get scared all the time. ''['''Chase''': They do?]'' Of course they do. But even through they're scared, they push through and keep going. That's what make them heroes.
* ''[surprising Chase that the wall is wrecked and revealed to be Rubble]'' I brought ''backup''!
* ''[Ryder surprising her to a rocket-powered scooter; calmly]'' Okay, Liberty. Play it cool, play it cool. ''[then she gets excitedly]'' '''''AAH!!! THIS IS AMAZING! IT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!''''' I've never been so happy! It's like my whole life has been building towards this moment! All of my dreams have come true! ''[faints]'' It's so amazing!
* ''[Ryder gives her own pup-tag after they saved Adventure City and she becomes official member of the PAW Patrol]'' I'm official! Hey! Check me out! I'm officially official! Official member of the PAW Patrol, right here!

== Mayor Humdinger ==
* ''[when his top hat is flew away or it gets destroyed]'' My top hat!
* You know, they call this place Adventure City, but what’s so adventure-y about it? The truth is, it’s ''boring''. Libraries? ''[drops the library]'' Boring! Museums? ''[drops the museum]'' Boring! Cute little dog parks? ''[the citizens in awe; sarcastically]'' Ugh, definitely boring! ''[taunting Liberty]'' But don’t worry, I’m gonna put the adventure back in Adventure City! When I’m done with this place, you won’t even recognize it.
* ''[to Butch and Ruben to get rid of the PAW Patrol for necessary]'' I want the PAW Patrol off the streets now! Find them, catch them, and lock them away.
* ''[after Chase puts him under arrest]'' You can't arrest me! I'm the mayor!

== Delores ==
* ''[when Liberty founds Chase and needs him to get out of the obedience school, then she gets sarcastically]'' Puh-lease! This scrawny, little purse pup is gonna pull a jailbreak?

== Butch ==
* ''[gives Mayor Humdinger his hat to his defeat]'' Here you go, boss.

== Others ==
*'''Kendra Wilson''': ''[gives a speech about the PAW Patrol saved Adventure City]'' Adventure City is our home. It's up to all of us to take care of it. But once in a while, a group of heroes go above and beyond the call of duty. They look out for their neighbors before they look out for themselves. And they're so darn cute, I just want to ''squeeze'' 'em!
*'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[gives a news report about the PAW Patrol's arrival in Adventure City]'' Guardians. Heroes. Cute little dogs and adorable outfits. Whatever you call them, the PAW Patrol were here to save the city from Mayor Humdinger's disastrous fireworks debacle. As a professional journalist, it's important that I remain unbiased. That being said; O''oh, yikes!'' An embarrassing start for Mayor Humdinger, but an incredible debut for the PAW Patrol in Adventure City.
*'''Rubble''': ''[Ryder shows the pups a self serving pup-treat dispenser, he sings angelic and make the other pups laugh]'' What? It's a beautiful thing.
*'''Skye''': ''[when Ryder tells her to be careful while she goes to stop the Cloud Catcher with her helicopter]'' Don't worry about me. I can handle a little ''turbulence''.
*'''Marshall''': ''[jumps off the holograms of the city, then he thrown himself on Rocky and Rubble]'' Next time, warn me before you stick a building up my nose.
*'''Rocky''': [when ''the others got stuck in traffic, he shouts to the traffic light]'' '''Green means go! ''Green means go''!''' ''[to Marshall]'' Green does ''still'' mean go, right?
*'''Zuma''': [''the pups, Liberty and Ryder gets shocked and sees Mayor Humdinger's tallest skyscraper and the big storm in the sky]'' Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
*'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[at the ceremony for the PAW Patrol, he talks to the Tough Guy]'' Me and the PAW Patrol? We go ''way'' back!

== Dialogue ==
:''[First lines, in the Spin Master Entertainment logo, Marshall the firefighting pup enters onscreen, but he tumbles into the Spin Master logo and the logo spins]''
:'''Marshall''': Whoa! I'm okay.
:''[Chase the police pup appears and uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to stop the logo from spinning, then he words &quot;entertainment&quot; appears, as Marshall and Chase look at the audience]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[sees Gus the truck driver is stuck on the bridge]'' Oh, my. That's not good. That's not good at all. ''[to Gus]'' Good morning there, friend! Looks like you're in a particularly precarious predicament.
:'''Gus''': Call the police! Call the fire department! ''[the truck door fall it open]'' Call everybody!
:'''Cap'n Turbot''': You're in Adventure Bay. ''[shows his phone to Gus]'' Here, we call the PAW Patrol!
:'''Gus''': You're gonna call the who?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ryder''': Chase, it's all up to you. Use the winch in your pup-pack to get the driver and bring him to safety.
:'''Chase''': Chase is on the case! ''[rushes on the bridge to free Gus]'' Arf! Grappling hook!
:''[Chase uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to secures on top on the bridge, he jumps off the bridge, howling and his hook was hanging on top, then he comes down]''
:'''Chase''': Sir, don't be alarmed. I'm coming down!
:'''Gus''': Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! The rescue team is here! ''[sees Chase]'' A ''dog!?''
:'''Chase''': Actually, sir, I'm a puppy.
:'''Gus''': A ''baby dog!?'' That's even worse!
:'''Chase''': You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally. Now, let's get you outta here.
:'''Gus''': No way! I'm waiting right here for a real rescue. ''[the truck lows even more]'' '''''AAH!!!''''' I changed my mind! ''[grabs Chase]'' I'll go with you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[In Adventure City, a Tough Guy eating a donut and throw his trash on a leg of a dachshund named Liberty]''
:'''Liberty''': Huh? Oh, um. ''[to a Tough Guy]'' Hey, excuse me? You dropped something.
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[frustrated]'' I'm done with it! Buzz off, ''wiener dog.''
:'''Liberty''': ''[angered]'' ''Wiener dog''?! Maybe you should just pick that up and put it in the trash!
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah, or what?
:'''Liberty''': Or I'm going to pick you up and put ''you in the trash!'' ''[the passengers gasp that was said to her]'' Hmph!
:'''Tough Guy''': Hey, I don't want no trouble! ''[picks up the trash]'' I'm picking up the trash. I'm picking up the trash!
:'''Liberty''': ''[praises]'' Thank you. We've all got to take pride in our city. Don't ever forget that. ''[hears the subway speaker]'' This is my stop, it's been a slice. ''[leaves the subway train]''
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[to Liberty]'' I'm gonna turn my life around. I really am.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Back in Adventure Bay, an emergency call in the big screen on the Lookout]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Liberty''': What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
:'''Ryder''': Is there something we can help you with?
:'''Liberty''': ''[agreeing]'' Yes, yes, yes! My name is Liberty, and I'm calling in from Adventure City. Something terrible has happened. Humdinger... was just elected ''mayor''!
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Rubble and Zuma''': ''[shocked]'' '''''HUMDINGER!?!?'''''
:'''Ryder''': He's the worst mayor in the history of mayors!
:'''Rubble''': And that's being generous.
:'''Liberty''': You're telling me, this guy's a disaster! He's going to destroy the whole city! Please, we need your help. Come quickly. ''[ends her call]''
:'''Ryder''': Adventure City's in trouble. Come on pups, pack your things! No city's too big, no pup's too small!
:''[The pups are excited and start howling, but Ryder sees Chase goes into the elevator]''
:'''Ryder''': What's wrong, Chase?
:'''Chase''': I'm not going.
:'''Ryder''': We have to go. They need us.
:'''Chase''': ''[refused]'' I'm ''never'' going back to Adventure City! ''[the elevator brings him down]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[worried]'' Chase...
:'''Marshall''': ''[concerned]'' What's got his leash in a knot?
:'''Ryder''': ''[hesitates]'' Chase has a... ''history'' with Adventure City. He has a lot of tough memories from that place...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Skye''': ''[remarking on the new headquarters]'' How can we afford this place?
:'''Ryder''': ''[holding up a PAW Patrol T-shirt featuring Chase, Marshall and Skye in their original [[w:Guru Studio|Guru Studio]] designs]'' Officially licensed PAW Patrol merchandise. This stuff sells like hot-cakes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Marshall rescue the passengers on the upside-down subway and Skye brings Chase back to the streets]''
:'''Ryder''': Okay, that's all of them. ''[to the pups]'' Good job, pups. ''[sees Chase]'' Chase.
:'''Chase''': I don't know what happened.
:'''Ryder''': I'm just glad you're okay.
:'''Chase''': ''[sadly]'' I'm sorry.
:'''Ryder''': No, it's my fault. I though you'll be okay in Adventure City. But still too much for you.
:'''Chase''': I'll be fine. I, I just need to...
:'''Ryder''': You're not fine. You need to take a break. We'll take care of the recuses for a while.
:'''Chase''': What? No, that's not fair.
:'''Ryder''': I'm sorry, Chase. I know it's hard, but it's the way it's gotta be.
: ''[A heartbroken Chase backs away from Ryder, feeling like he can no longer trust him]''
:'''Chase''': ''[angrily]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything would be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
:'''Ryder''': ''[hurt by Chase's words]'' Chase...
:''[Feeling that Ryder betrayed his trust, Chase runs away out of heartbreak]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[runs after Chase]'' Chase, wait!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The pups, Liberty, and Ryder saw the storm in the sky on the window as they got shocked]''
:'''Zuma''': Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
:''[The lightning scares Rubble, as he screams and hides on Liberty and Skye]''
:'''Skye''': ''[sarcastically]'' Rubble.
:'''Rubble''': What? Lightning is frightening.
:''[An emergency call in the big screen and its ringing]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Kendra Wilson''': What's ''the'' emergency?! The mesoscale convective system is causing exponential thermal lift and catastrophic downbursts at over ''190 knots!''
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Zuma and Liberty''': ''[confused]'' '''''WHAT?!'''''
:'''Rubble''': ''[to Kendra]'' It's a super, bad storm. ''[to the other pups]'' Come on, guys, keep up.
:'''Kendra Wilson''': Finally, ''somebody'' gets me. This is ''not'' a regular storm. It’s being caused by a weather-control device that’s unleashing weeks’ worth of bad weather ''all at once!''
:'''Ryder''': Take cover. We're on our way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[When Marshall and Rocky brings the people to get inside of Humdinger Heights, Rubble is wearing Marty Muckraker's wig]''
:'''Marty Muckraker''': Hey, that's my hair! Where did you find it?
:'''Rubble''': The hair ''found'' me. It was my destiny.
:'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[yanks his wig from Rubble]'' Well, that's ''my'' signature look! ''[puts his wig on his head]'' Buy your own hair.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The Cloud Catcher is destroyed and the skies are clear again and sunny, Skye falls from the air with joy, then she uses her jet-pack to fly to safety, as she landed, the pups are impressed]''
:'''Marshall''': Good job, Skye!
:'''Zuma''': That was totally awesome!
:'''Liberty''': You’re definitely my favorite pup!
:'''Skye''': ''[hopefully]'' I hope Ryder got insurance on my copter.
:''[Skye saw her helicopter was crashed on the ground behind her, Rocky was next, as he looked on it and making her upset]''
:'''Rocky''': That'll buff right out. ''[Skye looked at him in annoyance for he was joking]''
:''[Chase and Ryder comes out of the building and the pups are happy to see them]''
:'''Rubble''': ''[relieved]'' He's okay!
:'''Marshall''': All right!
:''[The other pups tackles Ryder and they licking and hugging him]''
:'''Skye''': ''[to the other male pups]'' Okay, okay, give him some air.
:'''Liberty''': [''concerned]'' How do you feel?
:'''Ryder''': ''[laughs]'' Covered in drool!
:'''Rubble''': ''[joked]'' I can’t help it, I’m a bulldog! My tongue is ''too'' big for my mouth. See? ''[shows them with his tongue and they started to laugh]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[picks up Chase's hat; to the pups]'' You did good, pups. ''[puts on Chase's hat on his head and he patted him]''
:''[The pups started to howl and they laughed, the citizens are cheering for the PAW Patrol and they come out from Humdinger Heights]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[comes out and trying to escape]'' Time for me to get out of here.
:'''Chase''': ''[angered]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! ''[the PAW Patrol spots Mayor Humdinger, and they started to staring at him]'' You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangermnt, and dog-napping.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[to Chase]'' You can’t arrest me! I’m the mayor! ''[laughing and escapes, then his kittens drops them and run away]''
:'''Marshall''': ''[alarmed]'' He's getting away!
:'''Skye''': Arf! Mini-drone! ''[releases her drone in her jet-pack and flies to catch Mayor Humdinger]''
:''[Mayor Humdinger running to escape, but the drone's hook is holding his pants, as it flies on the center by the PAW Patrol and the citizens]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[infuriated]'' Put me down! Nobody makes a fool of Mayor Humdinger five times in the same day!
:''[The hook was on Mayor Humdinger's pants is ripped off and makes him fall, then he shrieks and cover his underpants]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[dismayed]'' Well, this is humiliating.
:'''Butch''': ''[puts Mayor Humdinger's hat to him]'' Here you go, boss.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': That's better.
:

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Closing lines, Ryder's phone interrupts his speech and gets a call from Harris and tells him that there is trouble at the waterfront]''
:
:
:'''Chase''': ''[to Ryder; along with Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!
:'''Ryder''': ''[to the citizens]'' Sorry, folks. Duty calls.

==Taglines==
* Our fate is in their paws.
* A Nose for Adventure (Chase tagline)
* New Dog, New Tricks (Liberty tagline)
* Can You Dig It? (Rubble tagline)
* She's So Fly (Skye tagline)
* Coming in Hot (Marshall tagline)
* Not Afraid to Get His Paws Dirty (Rocky tagline)
* Diving Into Adventure (Zuma tagline)

==Voice cast==
* [[w:Iain Armitage|Iain Armitage]] - Chase
* Will Brisbin - Ryder
* [[w:Marsai Martin|Marsai Martin]] - Liberty
* [[w:Ron Pardo|Ron Pardo]] - Mayor Humdinger/Cap'n Turbot
* Keegan Hedley - Rubble
* [[w:Lilly Bartlam|Lilly Bartlam]] - Skye
* Kingsley Marshall - Marshall
* Callum Shoniker - Rocky
* Shayle Simons - Zuma
* [[w:Yara Shahidi|Yara Shahidi]] - Kendra Wilson
* [[w:Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West]] - Delores
* [[Randall Park]] - Butch
* [[w:Dax Shepard|Dax Shepard]] - Ruben
* [[Tyler Perry]] - Gus
* [[Jimmy Kimmel]] - Marty Muckraker
* [[w:Kim Roberts (actress)|Kim Roberts]] - Mayor Goodway
* [[w:Paul Braunstein|Paul Braunstein]] - Tough Guy
* Monique Alvarez - Carmen
* [[w:Jamillah Ross|Jamillah Ross]] - Camerawoman
* [[w:Josh Robert Thompson|Josh Robert Thompson]] - Technician
* Josh Graham - Computer Voice
* [[w:Neil Crone|Neil Crone]] - Tony
* [[w:Joe Pingue|Joe Pingue]] - Barney
* Charlie Gallant - Harris
* Richard Binsley - Rocket
* [[w:Raoul Bhaneja |Raoul Bhaneja]] - Man
* [[w:Saara Chaudry|Saara Chaudry]] - Girl
* Kevin Duhaney - Window Washer
* Eva Olivia - Kitten Catastrophe Crew/Chickaletta

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
[[Category:PAW Patrol]]
[[Category:2021 films]]
[[Category:Canadian films]]
[[Category:2020s American animated films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Animated films about dogs]]
[[Category:Films about children]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated action films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Nickelodeon films]]
[[Category:Films based on animated television series]]</text>
      <sha1>tljdn5r0m3n4gkk3irgp0qcrlvap36h</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147668</id>
      <parentid>3147667</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T19:27:26Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>112.203.220.63</ip>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="20660" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title|bottom|2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film adaption of the television series directed by Cal Brunker}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
'''''{{w|PAW Patrol: The Movie}}''''' is a 2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] produced by {{w|Nickelodeon Movies}} and distributed by {{w|Paramount Pictures}}. The film stars the voices of {{w|Iain Armitage}}, {{w|Marsai Martin}}, {{w|Ron Pardo}}, {{w|Yara Shahidi}}, {{w|Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West}}, [[Randall Park]], {{w|Dax Shepard}}, with [[Tyler Perry]], and [[Jimmy Kimmel]], introducing {{w|Will Brisbin}}. In the film, Ryder and the pups are called to Adventure City to stop the corrupt rival Mayor Humdinger from turning the bustling metropolis into a state of chaos to face the challenge in order to save the citizens of Adventure City.

:''Directed by [[w:Cal Brunker|Cal Brunker]] and written by [[w:Billy Frolick|Billy Frolick]] and [[w:Bob Barlen|Bob Barlen]]. Based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] by {{w|Keith Chapman}}.''

{{center|'''Our fate is in their paws.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Chase ==
* ''[when facing his fear to his situation]'' I can do this...
* ''[to Gus]'' You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally.
* ''[to Ryder that he and his friends are going to Adventure City]'' I'm afraid if I go back there, everyone will see I'm still that scared little puppy, and not the hero they think I am.
* ''[when his friends are amazed and he gets terrified as they arrived Adventure City]'' It's a lot... ''bigger'' than I remember.
* ''[first ride with his new rocket-powered police cruiser]'' Oh, I could get used to this!
* ''[sees the citizens trapped in the City Hall balcony on fire]'' Ryder, we've got people trapped on the balcony! I'm going in!
* ''[after Ryder checks him and tells him that he fails his first mission]'' I can't believe I forgot to disconnect my parachute. It's Air Rescue 101.
* ''[backs away from Ryder]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything will be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
* ''[after Ryder tells him about his backstory, then he asks him to go to work and he agrees]'' Ready for action, Ryder, sir.
* ''[Ryder gives him a nice catch by a flying car]'' You can count on me, Ryder.
* ''[driving to save Ryder with his motorcycle]'' I'm coming, Ryder!
* ''[when Mayor Humdinger tries to escape with his kittens, and he catches him]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangerment, and dog-napping.
* ''[when Ryder receives a call from Harris, he, Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!

== Liberty ==
* ''[first call when she is a big fan of the PAW Patrol]'' What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
* ''[running and escapes with the unstable fireworks]'' '''''THIS IS WHY DOGS HATE FIREWORKS!!!'''''
* ''[the PAW Patrol reached and arrived at the City Hall]'' You have reached your destination.
* ''[the photographers are taking pictures to Chase's friends, then she enters and talks to them]'' Hey, hey! Anyone want a picture with me? I'm kind of like an honorary member of the PAW Patrol. You should have seen me out there. I was like, &quot;Turn left, turn right, turn left, turn right!&quot; It was amazing!
* ''[Butch and Ruben caught and thrown her in the van, then she pretends to be captured]'' '''''OH, NO! PLEASE! LET ME GO!!!''''' Don't take me to exactly the same place you took the other dogs, in this white van! License plate number YVP 8624!
* ''[to Delores for embarrassment]'' You talk a lot of trash for a dog that looks like a toilet brush.
* ''[encouraging Chase]'' So? Who cares if you're scared? Heroes get scared all the time. ''['''Chase''': They do?]'' Of course they do. But even through they're scared, they push through and keep going. That's what make them heroes.
* ''[surprising Chase that the wall is wrecked and revealed to be Rubble]'' I brought ''backup''!
* ''[Ryder surprising her to a rocket-powered scooter; calmly]'' Okay, Liberty. Play it cool, play it cool. ''[then she gets excitedly]'' '''''AAH!!! THIS IS AMAZING! IT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!''''' I've never been so happy! It's like my whole life has been building towards this moment! All of my dreams have come true! ''[faints]'' It's so amazing!
* ''[Ryder gives her own pup-tag after they saved Adventure City and she becomes official member of the PAW Patrol]'' I'm official! Hey! Check me out! I'm officially official! Official member of the PAW Patrol, right here!

== Mayor Humdinger ==
* ''[when his top hat is flew away or it gets destroyed]'' My top hat!
* You know, they call this place Adventure City, but what’s so adventure-y about it? The truth is, it’s ''boring''. Libraries? ''[drops the library]'' Boring! Museums? ''[drops the museum]'' Boring! Cute little dog parks? ''[the citizens in awe; sarcastically]'' Ugh, definitely boring! ''[taunting Liberty]'' But don’t worry, I’m gonna put the adventure back in Adventure City! When I’m done with this place, you won’t even recognize it.
* ''[to Butch and Ruben to get rid of the PAW Patrol for necessary]'' I want the PAW Patrol off the streets now! Find them, catch them, and lock them away.
* ''[after Chase puts him under arrest]'' You can't arrest me! I'm the mayor!

== Delores ==
* ''[when Liberty founds Chase and needs him to get out of the obedience school, then she gets sarcastically]'' Puh-lease! This scrawny, little purse pup is gonna pull a jailbreak?

== Butch ==
* ''[gives Mayor Humdinger his hat to his defeat]'' Here you go, boss.

== Others ==
*'''Kendra Wilson''': ''[gives a speech about the PAW Patrol saved Adventure City]'' Adventure City is our home. It's up to all of us to take care of it. But once in a while, a group of heroes go above and beyond the call of duty. They look out for their neighbors before they look out for themselves. And they're so darn cute, I just want to ''squeeze'' 'em!
*'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[gives a news report about the PAW Patrol's arrival in Adventure City]'' Guardians. Heroes. Cute little dogs and adorable outfits. Whatever you call them, the PAW Patrol were here to save the city from Mayor Humdinger's disastrous fireworks debacle. As a professional journalist, it's important that I remain unbiased. That being said; O''oh, yikes!'' An embarrassing start for Mayor Humdinger, but an incredible debut for the PAW Patrol in Adventure City.
*'''Rubble''': ''[Ryder shows the pups a self serving pup-treat dispenser, he sings angelic and make the other pups laugh]'' What? It's a beautiful thing.
*'''Skye''': ''[when Ryder tells her to be careful while she goes to stop the Cloud Catcher with her helicopter]'' Don't worry about me. I can handle a little ''turbulence''.
*'''Marshall''': ''[jumps off the holograms of the city, then he thrown himself on Rocky and Rubble]'' Next time, warn me before you stick a building up my nose.
*'''Rocky''': [when ''the others got stuck in traffic, he shouts to the traffic light]'' '''Green means go! ''Green means go''!''' ''[to Marshall]'' Green does ''still'' mean go, right?
*'''Zuma''': [''the pups, Liberty and Ryder gets shocked and sees Mayor Humdinger's tallest skyscraper and the big storm in the sky]'' Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
*'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[at the ceremony for the PAW Patrol, he talks to the Tough Guy]'' Me and the PAW Patrol? We go ''way'' back!

== Dialogue ==
:''[First lines, in the Spin Master Entertainment logo, Marshall the firefighting pup enters onscreen, but he tumbles into the Spin Master logo and the logo spins]''
:'''Marshall''': Whoa! I'm okay.
:''[Chase the police pup appears and uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to stop the logo from spinning, then he words &quot;entertainment&quot; appears, as Marshall and Chase look at the audience]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[sees Gus the truck driver is stuck on the bridge]'' Oh, my. That's not good. That's not good at all. ''[to Gus]'' Good morning there, friend! Looks like you're in a particularly precarious predicament.
:'''Gus''': Call the police! Call the fire department! ''[the truck door fall it open]'' Call everybody!
:'''Cap'n Turbot''': You're in Adventure Bay. ''[shows his phone to Gus]'' Here, we call the PAW Patrol!
:'''Gus''': You're gonna call the who?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ryder''': Chase, it's all up to you. Use the winch in your pup-pack to get the driver and bring him to safety.
:'''Chase''': Chase is on the case! ''[rushes on the bridge to free Gus]'' Arf! Grappling hook!
:''[Chase uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to secures on top on the bridge, he jumps off the bridge, howling and his hook was hanging on top, then he comes down]''
:'''Chase''': Sir, don't be alarmed. I'm coming down!
:'''Gus''': Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! The rescue team is here! ''[sees Chase]'' A ''dog!?''
:'''Chase''': Actually, sir, I'm a puppy.
:'''Gus''': A ''baby dog!?'' That's even worse!
:'''Chase''': You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally. Now, let's get you outta here.
:'''Gus''': No way! I'm waiting right here for a real rescue. ''[the truck lows even more]'' '''''AAH!!!''''' I changed my mind! ''[grabs Chase]'' I'll go with you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[In Adventure City, a Tough Guy eating a donut and throw his trash on a leg of a dachshund named Liberty]''
:'''Liberty''': Huh? Oh, um. ''[to a Tough Guy]'' Hey, excuse me? You dropped something.
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[frustrated]'' I'm done with it! Buzz off, ''wiener dog.''
:'''Liberty''': ''[angered]'' ''Wiener dog''?! Maybe you should just pick that up and put it in the trash!
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah, or what?
:'''Liberty''': Or I'm going to pick you up and put ''you in the trash!'' ''[the passengers gasp that was said to her]'' Hmph!
:'''Tough Guy''': Hey, I don't want no trouble! ''[picks up the trash]'' I'm picking up the trash. I'm picking up the trash!
:'''Liberty''': ''[praises]'' Thank you. We've all got to take pride in our city. Don't ever forget that. ''[hears the subway speaker]'' This is my stop, it's been a slice. ''[leaves the subway train]''
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[to Liberty]'' I'm gonna turn my life around. I really am.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Back in Adventure Bay, an emergency call in the big screen on the Lookout]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Liberty''': What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
:'''Ryder''': Is there something we can help you with?
:'''Liberty''': ''[agreeing]'' Yes, yes, yes! My name is Liberty, and I'm calling in from Adventure City. Something terrible has happened. Humdinger... was just elected ''mayor''!
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Rubble and Zuma''': ''[shocked]'' '''''HUMDINGER!?!?'''''
:'''Ryder''': He's the worst mayor in the history of mayors!
:'''Rubble''': And that's being generous.
:'''Liberty''': You're telling me, this guy's a disaster! He's going to destroy the whole city! Please, we need your help. Come quickly. ''[ends her call]''
:'''Ryder''': Adventure City's in trouble. Come on pups, pack your things! No city's too big, no pup's too small!
:''[The pups are excited and start howling, but Ryder sees Chase goes into the elevator]''
:'''Ryder''': What's wrong, Chase?
:'''Chase''': I'm not going.
:'''Ryder''': We have to go. They need us.
:'''Chase''': ''[refused]'' I'm ''never'' going back to Adventure City! ''[the elevator brings him down]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[worried]'' Chase...
:'''Marshall''': ''[concerned]'' What's got his leash in a knot?
:'''Ryder''': ''[hesitates]'' Chase has a... ''history'' with Adventure City. He has a lot of tough memories from that place...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Skye''': ''[remarking on the new headquarters]'' How can we afford this place?
:'''Ryder''': ''[holding up a PAW Patrol T-shirt featuring Chase, Marshall and Skye in their original [[w:Guru Studio|Guru Studio]] designs]'' Officially licensed PAW Patrol merchandise. This stuff sells like hot-cakes.

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&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Marshall rescue the passengers on the upside-down subway and Skye brings Chase back to the streets]''
:'''Ryder''': Okay, that's all of them. ''[to the pups]'' Good job, pups. ''[sees Chase]'' Chase.
:'''Chase''': I don't know what happened.
:'''Ryder''': I'm just glad you're okay.
:'''Chase''': ''[sadly]'' I'm sorry.
:'''Ryder''': No, it's my fault. I though you'll be okay in Adventure City. But still too much for you.
:'''Chase''': I'll be fine. I, I just need to...
:'''Ryder''': You're not fine. You need to take a break. We'll take care of the recuses for a while.
:'''Chase''': What? No, that's not fair.
:'''Ryder''': I'm sorry, Chase. I know it's hard, but it's the way it's gotta be.
: ''[A heartbroken Chase backs away from Ryder, feeling like he can no longer trust him]''
:'''Chase''': ''[angrily]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything would be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
:'''Ryder''': ''[hurt by Chase's words]'' Chase...
:''[Feeling that Ryder betrayed his trust, Chase runs away out of heartbreak]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[runs after Chase]'' Chase, wait!

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&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The pups, Liberty, and Ryder saw the storm in the sky on the window as they got shocked]''
:'''Zuma''': Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
:''[The lightning scares Rubble, as he screams and hides on Liberty and Skye]''
:'''Skye''': ''[sarcastically]'' Rubble.
:'''Rubble''': What? Lightning is frightening.
:''[An emergency call in the big screen and its ringing]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Kendra Wilson''': What's ''the'' emergency?! The mesoscale convective system is causing exponential thermal lift and catastrophic downbursts at over ''190 knots!''
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Zuma and Liberty''': ''[confused]'' '''''WHAT?!'''''
:'''Rubble''': ''[to Kendra]'' It's a super, bad storm. ''[to the other pups]'' Come on, guys, keep up.
:'''Kendra Wilson''': Finally, ''somebody'' gets me. This is ''not'' a regular storm. It’s being caused by a weather-control device that’s unleashing weeks’ worth of bad weather ''all at once!''
:'''Ryder''': Take cover. We're on our way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[When Marshall and Rocky brings the people to get inside of Humdinger Heights, Rubble is wearing Marty Muckraker's wig]''
:'''Marty Muckraker''': Hey, that's my hair! Where did you find it?
:'''Rubble''': The hair ''found'' me. It was my destiny.
:'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[yanks his wig from Rubble]'' Well, that's ''my'' signature look! ''[puts his wig on his head]'' Buy your own hair.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The Cloud Catcher is destroyed and the skies are clear again and sunny, Skye falls from the air with joy, then she uses her jet-pack to fly to safety, as she landed, the pups are impressed]''
:'''Marshall''': Good job, Skye!
:'''Zuma''': That was totally awesome!
:'''Liberty''': You’re definitely my favorite pup!
:'''Skye''': ''[hopefully]'' I hope Ryder got insurance on my copter.
:''[Skye saw her helicopter was crashed on the ground behind her, Rocky was next, as he looked on it and making her upset]''
:'''Rocky''': That'll buff right out. ''[Skye looked at him in annoyance for he was joking]''
:''[Chase and Ryder comes out of the building and the pups are happy to see them]''
:'''Rubble''': ''[relieved]'' He's okay!
:'''Marshall''': All right!
:''[The other pups tackles Ryder and they licking and hugging him]''
:'''Skye''': ''[to the other male pups]'' Okay, okay, give him some air.
:'''Liberty''': [''concerned]'' How do you feel?
:'''Ryder''': ''[laughs]'' Covered in drool!
:'''Rubble''': ''[joked]'' I can’t help it, I’m a bulldog! My tongue is ''too'' big for my mouth. See? ''[shows them with his tongue and they started to laugh]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[picks up Chase's hat; to the pups]'' You did good, pups. ''[puts on Chase's hat on his head and he patted him]''
:''[The pups started to howl and they laughed, the citizens are cheering for the PAW Patrol and they come out from Humdinger Heights]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[comes out and trying to escape]'' Time for me to get out of here.
:'''Chase''': ''[angered]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! ''[the PAW Patrol spots Mayor Humdinger, and they started to staring at him]'' You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangermnt, and dog-napping.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[to Chase]'' You can’t arrest me! I’m the mayor! ''[laughing and escapes, then his kittens drops them and run away]''
:'''Marshall''': ''[alarmed]'' He's getting away!
:'''Skye''': Arf! Mini-drone! ''[releases her drone in her jet-pack and flies to catch Mayor Humdinger]''
:''[Mayor Humdinger running to escape, but the drone's hook is holding his pants, as it flies on the center by the PAW Patrol and the citizens]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[infuriated]'' Put me down! Nobody makes a fool of Mayor Humdinger five times in the same day!
:''[The hook was on Mayor Humdinger's pants is ripped off and makes him fall, then he shrieks and cover his underpants]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[dismayed]'' Well, this is humiliating.
:'''Butch''': ''[puts Mayor Humdinger's hat to him]'' Here you go, boss.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': That's better.
:

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Closing lines, Ryder's phone interrupts his speech and gets a call from Harris and tells him that there is trouble at the waterfront]''
:
:
:'''Chase''': ''[to Ryder; along with Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!
:'''Ryder''': ''[to the citizens]'' Sorry, folks. Duty calls.

==Taglines==
* Our fate is in their paws.
* A Nose for Adventure (Chase tagline)
* New Dog, New Tricks (Liberty tagline)
* Can You Dig It? (Rubble tagline)
* She's So Fly (Skye tagline)
* Coming in Hot (Marshall tagline)
* Not Afraid to Get His Paws Dirty (Rocky tagline)
* Diving Into Adventure (Zuma tagline)

==Voice cast==
* [[w:Iain Armitage|Iain Armitage]] - Chase
* Will Brisbin - Ryder
* [[w:Marsai Martin|Marsai Martin]] - Liberty
* [[w:Ron Pardo|Ron Pardo]] - Mayor Humdinger/Cap'n Turbot
* Keegan Hedley - Rubble
* [[w:Lilly Bartlam|Lilly Bartlam]] - Skye
* Kingsley Marshall - Marshall
* Callum Shoniker - Rocky
* Shayle Simons - Zuma
* [[w:Yara Shahidi|Yara Shahidi]] - Kendra Wilson
* [[w:Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West]] - Delores
* [[Randall Park]] - Butch
* [[w:Dax Shepard|Dax Shepard]] - Ruben
* [[Tyler Perry]] - Gus
* [[Jimmy Kimmel]] - Marty Muckraker
* [[w:Kim Roberts (actress)|Kim Roberts]] - Mayor Goodway
* [[w:Paul Braunstein|Paul Braunstein]] - Tough Guy
* Monique Alvarez - Carmen
* [[w:Jamillah Ross|Jamillah Ross]] - Camerawoman
* [[w:Josh Robert Thompson|Josh Robert Thompson]] - Technician
* Josh Graham - Computer Voice
* [[w:Neil Crone|Neil Crone]] - Tony
* [[w:Joe Pingue|Joe Pingue]] - Barney
* Charlie Gallant - Harris
* Richard Binsley - Rocket
* [[w:Raoul Bhaneja |Raoul Bhaneja]] - Man
* [[w:Saara Chaudry|Saara Chaudry]] - Girl
* Kevin Duhaney - Window Washer
* Eva Olivia - Kitten Catastrophe Crew/Chickaletta

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
[[Category:PAW Patrol]]
[[Category:2021 films]]
[[Category:Canadian films]]
[[Category:2020s American animated films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Animated films about dogs]]
[[Category:Films about children]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated action films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Nickelodeon films]]
[[Category:Films based on animated television series]]</text>
      <sha1>7cz7ix6kblc42lte26ajqyqwbih565z</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3147678</id>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-26T19:42:16Z</timestamp>
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      <text bytes="20646" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title|bottom|2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film adaption of the television series directed by Cal Brunker}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
'''''{{w|PAW Patrol: The Movie}}''''' is a 2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] produced by {{w|Nickelodeon Movies}} and distributed by {{w|Paramount Pictures}}. The film stars the voices of {{w|Iain Armitage}}, {{w|Marsai Martin}}, {{w|Ron Pardo}}, {{w|Yara Shahidi}}, {{w|Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West}}, [[Randall Park]], {{w|Dax Shepard}}, with [[Tyler Perry]], and [[Jimmy Kimmel]], introducing {{w|Will Brisbin}}. In the film, Ryder and the pups are called to Adventure City to stop the corrupt rival Mayor Humdinger from turning the bustling metropolis into a state of chaos to face the challenge in order to save the citizens of Adventure City.

:''Directed by [[w:Cal Brunker|Cal Brunker]] and written by [[w:Billy Frolick|Billy Frolick]] and [[w:Bob Barlen|Bob Barlen]]. Based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] by {{w|Keith Chapman}}.''

{{center|'''Our fate is in their paws.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Chase ==
* ''[when facing his fear to his situation]'' I can do this...
* ''[to Gus]'' You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally.
* ''[to Ryder that he and his friends are going to Adventure City]'' I'm afraid if I go back there, everyone will see I'm still that scared little puppy, and not the hero they think I am.
* ''[when his friends are amazed and he gets terrified as they arrived Adventure City]'' It's a lot... ''bigger'' than I remember.
* ''[first ride with his new rocket-powered police cruiser]'' Oh, I could get used to this!
* ''[sees the citizens trapped in the City Hall balcony on fire]'' Ryder, we've got people trapped on the balcony! I'm going in!
* ''[after Ryder checks him and tells him that he fails his first mission]'' I can't believe I forgot to disconnect my parachute. It's Air Rescue 101.
* ''[backs away from Ryder]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything will be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
* ''[after Ryder tells him about his backstory, then he asks him to go to work and he agrees]'' Ready for action, Ryder, sir.
* ''[Ryder gives him a nice catch by a flying car]'' You can count on me, Ryder.
* ''[driving to save Ryder with his motorcycle]'' I'm coming, Ryder!
* ''[when Mayor Humdinger tries to escape with his kittens, and he catches him]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangerment, and dog-napping.
* ''[when Ryder receives a call from Harris, he, Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!

== Liberty ==
* ''[first call when she is a big fan of the PAW Patrol]'' What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
* ''[running and escapes with the unstable fireworks]'' '''''THIS IS WHY DOGS HATE FIREWORKS!!!'''''
* ''[the PAW Patrol reached and arrived at the City Hall]'' You have reached your destination.
* ''[the photographers are taking pictures to Chase's friends, then she enters and talks to them]'' Hey, hey! Anyone want a picture with me? I'm kind of like an honorary member of the PAW Patrol. You should have seen me out there. I was like, &quot;Turn left, turn right, turn left, turn right!&quot; It was amazing!
* ''[Butch and Ruben caught and thrown her in the van, then she pretends to be captured]'' '''''OH, NO! PLEASE! LET ME GO!!!''''' Don't take me to exactly the same place you took the other dogs, in this white van! License plate number YVP 8624!
* ''[to Delores for embarrassment]'' You talk a lot of trash for a dog that looks like a toilet brush.
* ''[encouraging Chase]'' So? Who cares if you're scared? Heroes get scared all the time. ''['''Chase''': They do?]'' Of course they do. But even through they're scared, they push through and keep going. That's what make them heroes.
* ''[surprising Chase that the wall is wrecked and revealed to be Rubble]'' I brought ''backup''!
* ''[Ryder surprising her to a rocket-powered scooter; calmly]'' Okay, Liberty. Play it cool, play it cool. ''[then she gets excitedly]'' '''''AAH!!! THIS IS AMAZING! IT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!''''' I've never been so happy! It's like my whole life has been building towards this moment! All of my dreams have come true! ''[faints]'' It's so amazing!
* ''[Ryder gives her own pup-tag after they saved Adventure City and she becomes official member of the PAW Patrol]'' I'm official! Hey! Check me out! I'm officially official! Official member of the PAW Patrol, right here!

== Mayor Humdinger ==
* ''[when his top hat is flew away or it gets destroyed]'' My top hat!
* You know, they call this place Adventure City, but what’s so adventure-y about it? The truth is, it’s ''boring''. Libraries? ''[drops the library]'' Boring! Museums? ''[drops the museum]'' Boring! Cute little dog parks? ''[the citizens in awe; sarcastically]'' Ugh, definitely boring! ''[taunting Liberty]'' But don’t worry, I’m gonna put the adventure back in Adventure City! When I’m done with this place, you won’t even recognize it.
* ''[to Butch and Ruben to get rid of the PAW Patrol for necessary]'' I want the PAW Patrol off the streets now! Find them, catch them, and lock them away.
* ''[after Chase puts him under arrest]'' You can't arrest me! I'm the mayor!

== Delores ==
* ''[when Liberty founds Chase and needs him to get out of the obedience school; sarcastically]'' Puh-lease! This scrawny, little purse pup is gonna pull a jailbreak?

== Butch ==
* ''[gives Mayor Humdinger his hat to his defeat]'' Here you go, boss.

== Others ==
*'''Kendra Wilson''': ''[gives a speech about the PAW Patrol saved Adventure City]'' Adventure City is our home. It's up to all of us to take care of it. But once in a while, a group of heroes go above and beyond the call of duty. They look out for their neighbors before they look out for themselves. And they're so darn cute, I just want to ''squeeze'' 'em!
*'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[gives a news report about the PAW Patrol's arrival in Adventure City]'' Guardians. Heroes. Cute little dogs and adorable outfits. Whatever you call them, the PAW Patrol were here to save the city from Mayor Humdinger's disastrous fireworks debacle. As a professional journalist, it's important that I remain unbiased. That being said; O''oh, yikes!'' An embarrassing start for Mayor Humdinger, but an incredible debut for the PAW Patrol in Adventure City.
*'''Rubble''': ''[Ryder shows the pups a self serving pup-treat dispenser, he sings angelic and make the other pups laugh]'' What? It's a beautiful thing.
*'''Skye''': ''[when Ryder tells her to be careful while she goes to stop the Cloud Catcher with her helicopter]'' Don't worry about me. I can handle a little ''turbulence''.
*'''Marshall''': ''[jumps off the holograms of the city, then he thrown himself on Rocky and Rubble]'' Next time, warn me before you stick a building up my nose.
*'''Rocky''': [when ''the others got stuck in traffic, he shouts to the traffic light]'' '''Green means go! ''Green means go''!''' ''[to Marshall]'' Green does ''still'' mean go, right?
*'''Zuma''': [''the pups, Liberty and Ryder gets shocked and sees Mayor Humdinger's tallest skyscraper and the big storm in the sky]'' Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
*'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[at the ceremony for the PAW Patrol, he talks to the Tough Guy]'' Me and the PAW Patrol? We go ''way'' back!

== Dialogue ==
:''[First lines, in the Spin Master Entertainment logo, Marshall the firefighting pup enters onscreen, but he tumbles into the Spin Master logo and the logo spins]''
:'''Marshall''': Whoa! I'm okay.
:''[Chase the police pup appears and uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to stop the logo from spinning, then he words &quot;entertainment&quot; appears, as Marshall and Chase look at the audience]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[sees Gus the truck driver is stuck on the bridge]'' Oh, my. That's not good. That's not good at all. ''[to Gus]'' Good morning there, friend! Looks like you're in a particularly precarious predicament.
:'''Gus''': Call the police! Call the fire department! ''[the truck door fall it open]'' Call everybody!
:'''Cap'n Turbot''': You're in Adventure Bay. ''[shows his phone to Gus]'' Here, we call the PAW Patrol!
:'''Gus''': You're gonna call the who?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ryder''': Chase, it's all up to you. Use the winch in your pup-pack to get the driver and bring him to safety.
:'''Chase''': Chase is on the case! ''[rushes on the bridge to free Gus]'' Arf! Grappling hook!
:''[Chase uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to secures on top on the bridge, he jumps off the bridge, howling and his hook was hanging on top, then he comes down]''
:'''Chase''': Sir, don't be alarmed. I'm coming down!
:'''Gus''': Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! The rescue team is here! ''[sees Chase]'' A ''dog!?''
:'''Chase''': Actually, sir, I'm a puppy.
:'''Gus''': A ''baby dog!?'' That's even worse!
:'''Chase''': You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally. Now, let's get you outta here.
:'''Gus''': No way! I'm waiting right here for a real rescue. ''[the truck lows even more]'' '''''AAH!!!''''' I changed my mind! ''[grabs Chase]'' I'll go with you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[In Adventure City, a Tough Guy eating a donut and throw his trash on a leg of a dachshund named Liberty]''
:'''Liberty''': Huh? Oh, um. ''[to a Tough Guy]'' Hey, excuse me? You dropped something.
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[frustrated]'' I'm done with it! Buzz off, ''wiener dog.''
:'''Liberty''': ''[angered]'' ''Wiener dog''?! Maybe you should just pick that up and put it in the trash!
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah, or what?
:'''Liberty''': Or I'm going to pick you up and put ''you in the trash!'' ''[the passengers gasp that was said to her]'' Hmph!
:'''Tough Guy''': Hey, I don't want no trouble! ''[picks up the trash]'' I'm picking up the trash. I'm picking up the trash!
:'''Liberty''': ''[praises]'' Thank you. We've all got to take pride in our city. Don't ever forget that. ''[hears the subway speaker]'' This is my stop, it's been a slice. ''[leaves the subway train]''
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[to Liberty]'' I'm gonna turn my life around. I really am.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Back in Adventure Bay, an emergency call in the big screen on the Lookout]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Liberty''': What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
:'''Ryder''': Is there something we can help you with?
:'''Liberty''': ''[agreeing]'' Yes, yes, yes! My name is Liberty, and I'm calling in from Adventure City. Something terrible has happened. Humdinger... was just elected ''mayor''!
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Rubble and Zuma''': ''[shocked]'' '''''HUMDINGER!?!?'''''
:'''Ryder''': He's the worst mayor in the history of mayors!
:'''Rubble''': And that's being generous.
:'''Liberty''': You're telling me, this guy's a disaster! He's going to destroy the whole city! Please, we need your help. Come quickly. ''[ends her call]''
:'''Ryder''': Adventure City's in trouble. Come on pups, pack your things! No city's too big, no pup's too small!
:''[The pups are excited and start howling, but Ryder sees Chase goes into the elevator]''
:'''Ryder''': What's wrong, Chase?
:'''Chase''': I'm not going.
:'''Ryder''': We have to go. They need us.
:'''Chase''': ''[refused]'' I'm ''never'' going back to Adventure City! ''[the elevator brings him down]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[worried]'' Chase...
:'''Marshall''': ''[concerned]'' What's got his leash in a knot?
:'''Ryder''': ''[hesitates]'' Chase has a... ''history'' with Adventure City. He has a lot of tough memories from that place...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Skye''': ''[remarking on the new headquarters]'' How can we afford this place?
:'''Ryder''': ''[holding up a PAW Patrol T-shirt featuring Chase, Marshall and Skye in their original [[w:Guru Studio|Guru Studio]] designs]'' Officially licensed PAW Patrol merchandise. This stuff sells like hot-cakes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Marshall rescue the passengers on the upside-down subway and Skye brings Chase back to the streets]''
:'''Ryder''': Okay, that's all of them. ''[to the pups]'' Good job, pups. ''[sees Chase]'' Chase.
:'''Chase''': I don't know what happened.
:'''Ryder''': I'm just glad you're okay.
:'''Chase''': ''[sadly]'' I'm sorry.
:'''Ryder''': No, it's my fault. I though you'll be okay in Adventure City. But still too much for you.
:'''Chase''': I'll be fine. I, I just need to...
:'''Ryder''': You're not fine. You need to take a break. We'll take care of the recuses for a while.
:'''Chase''': What? No, that's not fair.
:'''Ryder''': I'm sorry, Chase. I know it's hard, but it's the way it's gotta be.
: ''[A heartbroken Chase backs away from Ryder, feeling like he can no longer trust him]''
:'''Chase''': ''[angrily]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything would be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
:'''Ryder''': ''[hurt by Chase's words]'' Chase...
:''[Feeling that Ryder betrayed his trust, Chase runs away out of heartbreak]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[runs after Chase]'' Chase, wait!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The pups, Liberty, and Ryder saw the storm in the sky on the window as they got shocked]''
:'''Zuma''': Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
:''[The lightning scares Rubble, as he screams and hides on Liberty and Skye]''
:'''Skye''': ''[sarcastically]'' Rubble.
:'''Rubble''': What? Lightning is frightening.
:''[An emergency call in the big screen and its ringing]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Kendra Wilson''': What's ''the'' emergency?! The mesoscale convective system is causing exponential thermal lift and catastrophic downbursts at over ''190 knots!''
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Zuma and Liberty''': ''[confused]'' '''''WHAT?!'''''
:'''Rubble''': ''[to Kendra]'' It's a super, bad storm. ''[to the other pups]'' Come on, guys, keep up.
:'''Kendra Wilson''': Finally, ''somebody'' gets me. This is ''not'' a regular storm. It’s being caused by a weather-control device that’s unleashing weeks’ worth of bad weather ''all at once!''
:'''Ryder''': Take cover. We're on our way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[When Marshall and Rocky brings the people to get inside of Humdinger Heights, Rubble is wearing Marty Muckraker's wig]''
:'''Marty Muckraker''': Hey, that's my hair! Where did you find it?
:'''Rubble''': The hair ''found'' me. It was my destiny.
:'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[yanks his wig from Rubble]'' Well, that's ''my'' signature look! ''[puts his wig on his head]'' Buy your own hair.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The Cloud Catcher is destroyed and the skies are clear again and sunny, Skye falls from the air with joy, then she uses her jet-pack to fly to safety, as she landed, the pups are impressed]''
:'''Marshall''': Good job, Skye!
:'''Zuma''': That was totally awesome!
:'''Liberty''': You’re definitely my favorite pup!
:'''Skye''': ''[hopefully]'' I hope Ryder got insurance on my copter.
:''[Skye saw her helicopter was crashed on the ground behind her, Rocky was next, as he looked on it and making her upset]''
:'''Rocky''': That'll buff right out. ''[Skye looked at him in annoyance for he was joking]''
:''[Chase and Ryder comes out of the building and the pups are happy to see them]''
:'''Rubble''': ''[relieved]'' He's okay!
:'''Marshall''': All right!
:''[The other pups tackles Ryder and they licking and hugging him]''
:'''Skye''': ''[to the other male pups]'' Okay, okay, give him some air.
:'''Liberty''': [''concerned]'' How do you feel?
:'''Ryder''': ''[laughs]'' Covered in drool!
:'''Rubble''': ''[joked]'' I can’t help it, I’m a bulldog! My tongue is ''too'' big for my mouth. See? ''[shows them with his tongue and they started to laugh]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[picks up Chase's hat; to the pups]'' You did good, pups. ''[puts on Chase's hat on his head and he patted him]''
:''[The pups started to howl and they laughed, the citizens are cheering for the PAW Patrol and they come out from Humdinger Heights]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[comes out and trying to escape]'' Time for me to get out of here.
:'''Chase''': ''[angered]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! ''[the PAW Patrol spots Mayor Humdinger, and they started to staring at him]'' You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangermnt, and dog-napping.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[to Chase]'' You can’t arrest me! I’m the mayor! ''[laughing and escapes, then his kittens drops them and run away]''
:'''Marshall''': ''[alarmed]'' He's getting away!
:'''Skye''': Arf! Mini-drone! ''[releases her drone in her jet-pack and flies to catch Mayor Humdinger]''
:''[Mayor Humdinger running to escape, but the drone's hook is holding his pants, as it flies on the center by the PAW Patrol and the citizens]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[infuriated]'' Put me down! Nobody makes a fool of Mayor Humdinger five times in the same day!
:''[The hook was on Mayor Humdinger's pants is ripped off and makes him fall, then he shrieks and cover his underpants]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[dismayed]'' Well, this is humiliating.
:'''Butch''': ''[puts Mayor Humdinger's hat to him]'' Here you go, boss.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': That's better.
:

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Closing lines, Ryder's phone interrupts his speech and gets a call from Harris and tells him that there is trouble at the waterfront]''
:
:
:'''Chase''': ''[to Ryder; along with Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!
:'''Ryder''': ''[to the citizens]'' Sorry, folks. Duty calls.

==Taglines==
* Our fate is in their paws.
* A Nose for Adventure (Chase tagline)
* New Dog, New Tricks (Liberty tagline)
* Can You Dig It? (Rubble tagline)
* She's So Fly (Skye tagline)
* Coming in Hot (Marshall tagline)
* Not Afraid to Get His Paws Dirty (Rocky tagline)
* Diving Into Adventure (Zuma tagline)

==Voice cast==
* [[w:Iain Armitage|Iain Armitage]] - Chase
* Will Brisbin - Ryder
* [[w:Marsai Martin|Marsai Martin]] - Liberty
* [[w:Ron Pardo|Ron Pardo]] - Mayor Humdinger/Cap'n Turbot
* Keegan Hedley - Rubble
* [[w:Lilly Bartlam|Lilly Bartlam]] - Skye
* Kingsley Marshall - Marshall
* Callum Shoniker - Rocky
* Shayle Simons - Zuma
* [[w:Yara Shahidi|Yara Shahidi]] - Kendra Wilson
* [[w:Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West]] - Delores
* [[Randall Park]] - Butch
* [[w:Dax Shepard|Dax Shepard]] - Ruben
* [[Tyler Perry]] - Gus
* [[Jimmy Kimmel]] - Marty Muckraker
* [[w:Kim Roberts (actress)|Kim Roberts]] - Mayor Goodway
* [[w:Paul Braunstein|Paul Braunstein]] - Tough Guy
* Monique Alvarez - Carmen
* [[w:Jamillah Ross|Jamillah Ross]] - Camerawoman
* [[w:Josh Robert Thompson|Josh Robert Thompson]] - Technician
* Josh Graham - Computer Voice
* [[w:Neil Crone|Neil Crone]] - Tony
* [[w:Joe Pingue|Joe Pingue]] - Barney
* Charlie Gallant - Harris
* Richard Binsley - Rocket
* [[w:Raoul Bhaneja |Raoul Bhaneja]] - Man
* [[w:Saara Chaudry|Saara Chaudry]] - Girl
* Kevin Duhaney - Window Washer
* Eva Olivia - Kitten Catastrophe Crew/Chickaletta

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
[[Category:PAW Patrol]]
[[Category:2021 films]]
[[Category:Canadian films]]
[[Category:2020s American animated films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Animated films about dogs]]
[[Category:Films about children]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated action films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Nickelodeon films]]
[[Category:Films based on animated television series]]</text>
      <sha1>7wtismdwezo95l460x2c9ek927a793r</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147686</id>
      <parentid>3147678</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T19:45:04Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>112.203.220.63</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="20653" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title|bottom|2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film adaption of the television series directed by Cal Brunker}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
'''''{{w|PAW Patrol: The Movie}}''''' is a 2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] produced by {{w|Nickelodeon Movies}} and distributed by {{w|Paramount Pictures}}. The film stars the voices of {{w|Iain Armitage}}, {{w|Marsai Martin}}, {{w|Ron Pardo}}, {{w|Yara Shahidi}}, {{w|Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West}}, [[Randall Park]], {{w|Dax Shepard}}, with [[Tyler Perry]], and [[Jimmy Kimmel]], introducing {{w|Will Brisbin}}. In the film, Ryder and the pups are called to Adventure City to stop the corrupt rival Mayor Humdinger from turning the bustling metropolis into a state of chaos to face the challenge in order to save the citizens of Adventure City.

:''Directed by [[w:Cal Brunker|Cal Brunker]] and written by [[w:Billy Frolick|Billy Frolick]] and [[w:Bob Barlen|Bob Barlen]]. Based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] by {{w|Keith Chapman}}.''

{{center|'''Our fate is in their paws.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Chase ==
* ''[when facing his fear to his situation]'' I can do this...
* ''[to Gus]'' You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally.
* ''[to Ryder that he and his friends are going to Adventure City]'' I'm afraid if I go back there, everyone will see I'm still that scared little puppy, and not the hero they think I am.
* ''[when his friends are amazed and he gets terrified as they arrived Adventure City]'' It's a lot... ''bigger'' than I remember.
* ''[first ride with his new rocket-powered police cruiser]'' Oh, I could get used to this!
* ''[sees the citizens trapped in the City Hall balcony on fire]'' Ryder, we've got people trapped on the balcony! I'm going in!
* ''[after Ryder checks him and tells him that he fails his first mission]'' I can't believe I forgot to disconnect my parachute. It's Air Rescue 101.
* ''[backs away from Ryder]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything will be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
* ''[after Ryder tells him about his backstory, then he asks him to go to work and he agrees]'' Ready for action, Ryder, sir.
* ''[Ryder gives him a nice catch by a flying car]'' You can count on me, Ryder.
* ''[driving to save Ryder with his motorcycle]'' I'm coming, Ryder!
* ''[when Mayor Humdinger tries to escape with his kittens, and he catches him]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangerment, and dog-napping.
* ''[when Ryder receives a call from Harris, he is with Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!

== Liberty ==
* ''[first call when she is a big fan of the PAW Patrol]'' What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
* ''[running and escapes with the unstable fireworks]'' '''''THIS IS WHY DOGS HATE FIREWORKS!!!'''''
* ''[the PAW Patrol reached and arrived at the City Hall]'' You have reached your destination.
* ''[the photographers are taking pictures to Chase's friends, then she enters and talks to them]'' Hey, hey! Anyone want a picture with me? I'm kind of like an honorary member of the PAW Patrol. You should have seen me out there. I was like, &quot;Turn left, turn right, turn left, turn right!&quot; It was amazing!
* ''[Butch and Ruben caught and thrown her in the van, then she pretends to be captured]'' '''''OH, NO! PLEASE! LET ME GO!!!''''' Don't take me to exactly the same place you took the other dogs, in this white van! License plate number YVP 8624!
* ''[to Delores for embarrassment]'' You talk a lot of trash for a dog that looks like a toilet brush.
* ''[encouraging Chase]'' So? Who cares if you're scared? Heroes get scared all the time. ''['''Chase''': They do?]'' Of course they do. But even through they're scared, they push through and keep going. That's what make them heroes.
* ''[surprising Chase that the wall is wrecked and revealed to be Rubble]'' I brought ''backup''!
* ''[Ryder surprising her to a rocket-powered scooter; calmly]'' Okay, Liberty. Play it cool, play it cool. ''[then she gets excitedly]'' '''''AAH!!! THIS IS AMAZING! IT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!''''' I've never been so happy! It's like my whole life has been building towards this moment! All of my dreams have come true! ''[faints]'' It's so amazing!
* ''[Ryder gives her own pup-tag after they saved Adventure City and she becomes official member of the PAW Patrol]'' I'm official! Hey! Check me out! I'm officially official! Official member of the PAW Patrol, right here!

== Mayor Humdinger ==
* ''[when his top hat is flew away or it gets destroyed]'' My top hat!
* You know, they call this place Adventure City, but what’s so adventure-y about it? The truth is, it’s ''boring''. Libraries? ''[drops the library]'' Boring! Museums? ''[drops the museum]'' Boring! Cute little dog parks? ''[the citizens in awe; sarcastically]'' Ugh, definitely boring! ''[taunting Liberty]'' But don’t worry, I’m gonna put the adventure back in Adventure City! When I’m done with this place, you won’t even recognize it.
* ''[to Butch and Ruben to get rid of the PAW Patrol for necessary]'' I want the PAW Patrol off the streets now! Find them, catch them, and lock them away.
* ''[after Chase puts him under arrest]'' You can't arrest me! I'm the mayor!

== Delores ==
* ''[when Liberty founds Chase and needs him to get out of the obedience school; sarcastically]'' Puh-lease! This scrawny, little purse pup is gonna pull a jailbreak?

== Butch ==
* ''[gives Mayor Humdinger his hat to his defeat]'' Here you go, boss.

== Others ==
*'''Kendra Wilson''': ''[gives a speech about the PAW Patrol saved Adventure City]'' Adventure City is our home. It's up to all of us to take care of it. But once in a while, a group of heroes go above and beyond the call of duty. They look out for their neighbors before they look out for themselves. And they're so darn cute, I just want to ''squeeze'' 'em!
*'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[gives a news report about the PAW Patrol's arrival in Adventure City]'' Guardians. Heroes. Cute little dogs and adorable outfits. Whatever you call them, the PAW Patrol were here to save the city from Mayor Humdinger's disastrous fireworks debacle. As a professional journalist, it's important that I remain unbiased. That being said; O''oh, yikes!'' An embarrassing start for Mayor Humdinger, but an incredible debut for the PAW Patrol in Adventure City.
*'''Rubble''': ''[Ryder shows the pups a self serving pup-treat dispenser, he sings angelic and make the other pups laugh]'' What? It's a beautiful thing.
*'''Skye''': ''[when Ryder tells her to be careful while she goes to stop the Cloud Catcher with her helicopter]'' Don't worry about me. I can handle a little ''turbulence''.
*'''Marshall''': ''[jumps off the holograms of the city, then he thrown himself on Rocky and Rubble]'' Next time, warn me before you stick a building up my nose.
*'''Rocky''': [when ''the others got stuck in traffic, he shouts to the traffic light]'' '''Green means go! ''Green means go''!''' ''[to Marshall]'' Green does ''still'' mean go, right?
*'''Zuma''': [''the pups, Liberty and Ryder gets shocked and sees Mayor Humdinger's tallest skyscraper and the big storm in the sky]'' Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
*'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[at the ceremony for the PAW Patrol, he talks to the Tough Guy]'' Me and the PAW Patrol? We go ''way'' back!

== Dialogue ==
:''[First lines, in the Spin Master Entertainment logo, Marshall the firefighting pup enters onscreen, but he tumbles into the Spin Master logo and the logo spins]''
:'''Marshall''': Whoa! I'm okay.
:''[Chase the police pup appears and uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to stop the logo from spinning, then he words &quot;entertainment&quot; appears, as Marshall and Chase look at the audience]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[sees Gus the truck driver is stuck on the bridge]'' Oh, my. That's not good. That's not good at all. ''[to Gus]'' Good morning there, friend! Looks like you're in a particularly precarious predicament.
:'''Gus''': Call the police! Call the fire department! ''[the truck door fall it open]'' Call everybody!
:'''Cap'n Turbot''': You're in Adventure Bay. ''[shows his phone to Gus]'' Here, we call the PAW Patrol!
:'''Gus''': You're gonna call the who?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ryder''': Chase, it's all up to you. Use the winch in your pup-pack to get the driver and bring him to safety.
:'''Chase''': Chase is on the case! ''[rushes on the bridge to free Gus]'' Arf! Grappling hook!
:''[Chase uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to secures on top on the bridge, he jumps off the bridge, howling and his hook was hanging on top, then he comes down]''
:'''Chase''': Sir, don't be alarmed. I'm coming down!
:'''Gus''': Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! The rescue team is here! ''[sees Chase]'' A ''dog!?''
:'''Chase''': Actually, sir, I'm a puppy.
:'''Gus''': A ''baby dog!?'' That's even worse!
:'''Chase''': You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally. Now, let's get you outta here.
:'''Gus''': No way! I'm waiting right here for a real rescue. ''[the truck lows even more]'' '''''AAH!!!''''' I changed my mind! ''[grabs Chase]'' I'll go with you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[In Adventure City, a Tough Guy eating a donut and throw his trash on a leg of a dachshund named Liberty]''
:'''Liberty''': Huh? Oh, um. ''[to a Tough Guy]'' Hey, excuse me? You dropped something.
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[frustrated]'' I'm done with it! Buzz off, ''wiener dog.''
:'''Liberty''': ''[angered]'' ''Wiener dog''?! Maybe you should just pick that up and put it in the trash!
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah, or what?
:'''Liberty''': Or I'm going to pick you up and put ''you in the trash!'' ''[the passengers gasp that was said to her]'' Hmph!
:'''Tough Guy''': Hey, I don't want no trouble! ''[picks up the trash]'' I'm picking up the trash. I'm picking up the trash!
:'''Liberty''': ''[praises]'' Thank you. We've all got to take pride in our city. Don't ever forget that. ''[hears the subway speaker]'' This is my stop, it's been a slice. ''[leaves the subway train]''
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[to Liberty]'' I'm gonna turn my life around. I really am.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Back in Adventure Bay, an emergency call in the big screen on the Lookout]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Liberty''': What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
:'''Ryder''': Is there something we can help you with?
:'''Liberty''': ''[agreeing]'' Yes, yes, yes! My name is Liberty, and I'm calling in from Adventure City. Something terrible has happened. Humdinger... was just elected ''mayor''!
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Rubble and Zuma''': ''[shocked]'' '''''HUMDINGER!?!?'''''
:'''Ryder''': He's the worst mayor in the history of mayors!
:'''Rubble''': And that's being generous.
:'''Liberty''': You're telling me, this guy's a disaster! He's going to destroy the whole city! Please, we need your help. Come quickly. ''[ends her call]''
:'''Ryder''': Adventure City's in trouble. Come on pups, pack your things! No city's too big, no pup's too small!
:''[The pups are excited and start howling, but Ryder sees Chase goes into the elevator]''
:'''Ryder''': What's wrong, Chase?
:'''Chase''': I'm not going.
:'''Ryder''': We have to go. They need us.
:'''Chase''': ''[refused]'' I'm ''never'' going back to Adventure City! ''[the elevator brings him down]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[worried]'' Chase...
:'''Marshall''': ''[concerned]'' What's got his leash in a knot?
:'''Ryder''': ''[hesitates]'' Chase has a... ''history'' with Adventure City. He has a lot of tough memories from that place...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Skye''': ''[remarking on the new headquarters]'' How can we afford this place?
:'''Ryder''': ''[holding up a PAW Patrol T-shirt featuring Chase, Marshall and Skye in their original [[w:Guru Studio|Guru Studio]] designs]'' Officially licensed PAW Patrol merchandise. This stuff sells like hot-cakes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Marshall rescue the passengers on the upside-down subway and Skye brings Chase back to the streets]''
:'''Ryder''': Okay, that's all of them. ''[to the pups]'' Good job, pups. ''[sees Chase]'' Chase.
:'''Chase''': I don't know what happened.
:'''Ryder''': I'm just glad you're okay.
:'''Chase''': ''[sadly]'' I'm sorry.
:'''Ryder''': No, it's my fault. I though you'll be okay in Adventure City. But still too much for you.
:'''Chase''': I'll be fine. I, I just need to...
:'''Ryder''': You're not fine. You need to take a break. We'll take care of the recuses for a while.
:'''Chase''': What? No, that's not fair.
:'''Ryder''': I'm sorry, Chase. I know it's hard, but it's the way it's gotta be.
: ''[A heartbroken Chase backs away from Ryder, feeling like he can no longer trust him]''
:'''Chase''': ''[angrily]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything would be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
:'''Ryder''': ''[hurt by Chase's words]'' Chase...
:''[Feeling that Ryder betrayed his trust, Chase runs away out of heartbreak]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[runs after Chase]'' Chase, wait!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The pups, Liberty, and Ryder saw the storm in the sky on the window as they got shocked]''
:'''Zuma''': Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
:''[The lightning scares Rubble, as he screams and hides on Liberty and Skye]''
:'''Skye''': ''[sarcastically]'' Rubble.
:'''Rubble''': What? Lightning is frightening.
:''[An emergency call in the big screen and its ringing]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Kendra Wilson''': What's ''the'' emergency?! The mesoscale convective system is causing exponential thermal lift and catastrophic downbursts at over ''190 knots!''
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Zuma and Liberty''': ''[confused]'' '''''WHAT?!'''''
:'''Rubble''': ''[to Kendra]'' It's a super, bad storm. ''[to the other pups]'' Come on, guys, keep up.
:'''Kendra Wilson''': Finally, ''somebody'' gets me. This is ''not'' a regular storm. It’s being caused by a weather-control device that’s unleashing weeks’ worth of bad weather ''all at once!''
:'''Ryder''': Take cover. We're on our way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[When Marshall and Rocky brings the people to get inside of Humdinger Heights, Rubble is wearing Marty Muckraker's wig]''
:'''Marty Muckraker''': Hey, that's my hair! Where did you find it?
:'''Rubble''': The hair ''found'' me. It was my destiny.
:'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[yanks his wig from Rubble]'' Well, that's ''my'' signature look! ''[puts his wig on his head]'' Buy your own hair.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The Cloud Catcher is destroyed and the skies are clear again and sunny, Skye falls from the air with joy, then she uses her jet-pack to fly to safety, as she landed, the pups are impressed]''
:'''Marshall''': Good job, Skye!
:'''Zuma''': That was totally awesome!
:'''Liberty''': You’re definitely my favorite pup!
:'''Skye''': ''[hopefully]'' I hope Ryder got insurance on my copter.
:''[Skye saw her helicopter was crashed on the ground behind her, Rocky was next, as he looked on it and making her upset]''
:'''Rocky''': That'll buff right out. ''[Skye looked at him in annoyance for he was joking]''
:''[Chase and Ryder comes out of the building and the pups are happy to see them]''
:'''Rubble''': ''[relieved]'' He's okay!
:'''Marshall''': All right!
:''[The other pups tackles Ryder and they licking and hugging him]''
:'''Skye''': ''[to the other male pups]'' Okay, okay, give him some air.
:'''Liberty''': [''concerned]'' How do you feel?
:'''Ryder''': ''[laughs]'' Covered in drool!
:'''Rubble''': ''[joked]'' I can’t help it, I’m a bulldog! My tongue is ''too'' big for my mouth. See? ''[shows them with his tongue and they started to laugh]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[picks up Chase's hat; to the pups]'' You did good, pups. ''[puts on Chase's hat on his head and he patted him]''
:''[The pups started to howl and they laughed, the citizens are cheering for the PAW Patrol and they come out from Humdinger Heights]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[comes out and trying to escape]'' Time for me to get out of here.
:'''Chase''': ''[angered]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! ''[the PAW Patrol spots Mayor Humdinger, and they started to staring at him]'' You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangermnt, and dog-napping.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[to Chase]'' You can’t arrest me! I’m the mayor! ''[laughing and escapes, then his kittens drops them and run away]''
:'''Marshall''': ''[alarmed]'' He's getting away!
:'''Skye''': Arf! Mini-drone! ''[releases her drone in her jet-pack and flies to catch Mayor Humdinger]''
:''[Mayor Humdinger running to escape, but the drone's hook is holding his pants, as it flies on the center by the PAW Patrol and the citizens]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[infuriated]'' Put me down! Nobody makes a fool of Mayor Humdinger five times in the same day!
:''[The hook was on Mayor Humdinger's pants is ripped off and makes him fall, then he shrieks and cover his underpants]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[dismayed]'' Well, this is humiliating.
:'''Butch''': ''[puts Mayor Humdinger's hat to him]'' Here you go, boss.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': That's better.
:

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Closing lines, Ryder's phone interrupts his speech and gets a call from Harris and tells him that there is trouble at the waterfront]''
:
:
:'''Chase''': ''[to Ryder; along with Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!
:'''Ryder''': ''[to the citizens]'' Sorry, folks. Duty calls.

==Taglines==
* Our fate is in their paws.
* A Nose for Adventure (Chase tagline)
* New Dog, New Tricks (Liberty tagline)
* Can You Dig It? (Rubble tagline)
* She's So Fly (Skye tagline)
* Coming in Hot (Marshall tagline)
* Not Afraid to Get His Paws Dirty (Rocky tagline)
* Diving Into Adventure (Zuma tagline)

==Voice cast==
* [[w:Iain Armitage|Iain Armitage]] - Chase
* Will Brisbin - Ryder
* [[w:Marsai Martin|Marsai Martin]] - Liberty
* [[w:Ron Pardo|Ron Pardo]] - Mayor Humdinger/Cap'n Turbot
* Keegan Hedley - Rubble
* [[w:Lilly Bartlam|Lilly Bartlam]] - Skye
* Kingsley Marshall - Marshall
* Callum Shoniker - Rocky
* Shayle Simons - Zuma
* [[w:Yara Shahidi|Yara Shahidi]] - Kendra Wilson
* [[w:Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West]] - Delores
* [[Randall Park]] - Butch
* [[w:Dax Shepard|Dax Shepard]] - Ruben
* [[Tyler Perry]] - Gus
* [[Jimmy Kimmel]] - Marty Muckraker
* [[w:Kim Roberts (actress)|Kim Roberts]] - Mayor Goodway
* [[w:Paul Braunstein|Paul Braunstein]] - Tough Guy
* Monique Alvarez - Carmen
* [[w:Jamillah Ross|Jamillah Ross]] - Camerawoman
* [[w:Josh Robert Thompson|Josh Robert Thompson]] - Technician
* Josh Graham - Computer Voice
* [[w:Neil Crone|Neil Crone]] - Tony
* [[w:Joe Pingue|Joe Pingue]] - Barney
* Charlie Gallant - Harris
* Richard Binsley - Rocket
* [[w:Raoul Bhaneja |Raoul Bhaneja]] - Man
* [[w:Saara Chaudry|Saara Chaudry]] - Girl
* Kevin Duhaney - Window Washer
* Eva Olivia - Kitten Catastrophe Crew/Chickaletta

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
[[Category:PAW Patrol]]
[[Category:2021 films]]
[[Category:Canadian films]]
[[Category:2020s American animated films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Animated films about dogs]]
[[Category:Films about children]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated action films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Nickelodeon films]]
[[Category:Films based on animated television series]]</text>
      <sha1>40w3s0u2mvw2yoprm90k61eaaq1vemg</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3148012</id>
      <parentid>3147686</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T05:15:18Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>112.203.220.63</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="20651" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title|bottom|2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film adaption of the television series directed by Cal Brunker}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
'''''{{w|PAW Patrol: The Movie}}''''' is a 2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] produced by {{w|Nickelodeon Movies}} and distributed by {{w|Paramount Pictures}}. The film stars the voices of {{w|Iain Armitage}}, {{w|Marsai Martin}}, {{w|Ron Pardo}}, {{w|Yara Shahidi}}, {{w|Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West}}, [[Randall Park]], {{w|Dax Shepard}}, with [[Tyler Perry]], and [[Jimmy Kimmel]], introducing {{w|Will Brisbin}}. In the film, Ryder and the pups are called to Adventure City to stop the corrupt rival Mayor Humdinger from turning the bustling metropolis into a state of chaos to face the challenge in order to save the citizens of Adventure City.

:''Directed by [[w:Cal Brunker|Cal Brunker]] and written by [[w:Billy Frolick|Billy Frolick]] and [[w:Bob Barlen|Bob Barlen]]. Based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] by {{w|Keith Chapman}}.''

{{center|'''Our fate is in their paws.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Chase ==
* ''[when facing his fear to his situation]'' I can do this...
* ''[to Gus]'' You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally.
* ''[to Ryder that he and his friends are going to Adventure City]'' I'm afraid if I go back there, everyone will see I'm still that scared little puppy, and not the hero they think I am.
* ''[when his friends are amazed and he gets terrified as they arrived Adventure City]'' It's a lot... ''bigger'' than I remember.
* ''[first ride with his new rocket-powered police cruiser]'' Oh, I could get used to this!
* ''[sees the citizens trapped in the City Hall balcony on fire]'' Ryder, we've got people trapped on the balcony! I'm going in!
* ''[after Ryder checks him and tells him that he fails his first mission]'' I can't believe I forgot to disconnect my parachute. It's Air Rescue 101.
* ''[backs away from Ryder]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything will be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
* ''[after Ryder tells him about his backstory, then he asks him to go to work and he agrees]'' Ready for action, Ryder, sir.
* ''[Ryder gives him a nice catch by a flying car]'' You can count on me, Ryder.
* ''[driving to save Ryder with his motorcycle]'' I'm coming, Ryder!
* ''[when Mayor Humdinger tries to escape with his kittens, and he catches him]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangerment, and dog-napping.
* ''[when Ryder receives a call from Harris, he is with Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!

== Liberty ==
* ''[first call when she is a big fan of the PAW Patrol]'' What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
* ''[running and escapes with the unstable fireworks]'' '''''THIS IS WHY DOGS HATE FIREWORKS!!!'''''
* ''[the PAW Patrol reached and arrived at the City Hall]'' You have reached your destination.
* ''[the photographers are taking pictures to Chase's friends, then she enters and talks to them]'' Hey, hey! Anyone want a picture with me? I'm kind of like an honorary member of the PAW Patrol. You should have seen me out there. I was like, &quot;Turn left, turn right, turn left, turn right!&quot; It was amazing!
* ''[Butch and Ruben caught and thrown her in the van, then she pretends to be captured]'' '''''OH, NO! PLEASE! LET ME GO!!!''''' Don't take me to exactly the same place you took the other dogs, in this white van! License plate number YVP 8624!
* ''[to Delores for embarrassment]'' You talk a lot of trash for a dog that looks like a toilet brush.
* ''[encouraging Chase]'' So? Who cares if you're scared? Heroes get scared all the time. ''['''Chase''': They do?]'' Of course they do. But even through they're scared, they push through and keep going. That's what make them heroes.
* ''[surprising Chase that the wall is wrecked and revealed to be Rubble]'' I brought ''backup''!
* ''[Ryder surprising her to a rocket-powered scooter; calmly]'' Okay, Liberty. Play it cool, play it cool. ''[then she gets excitedly]'' '''''AAH!!! THIS IS AMAZING! IT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!''''' I've never been so happy! It's like my whole life has been building towards this moment! All of my dreams have come true! ''[faints]'' It's so amazing!
* ''[Ryder gives her own pup-tag after they saved Adventure City and she becomes official member of the PAW Patrol]'' I'm official! Hey! Check me out! I'm officially official! Official member of the PAW Patrol, right here!

== Mayor Humdinger ==
* ''[when his top hat is flew away or it gets destroyed]'' My top hat!
* You know, they call this place Adventure City, but what’s so adventure-y about it? The truth is, it’s ''boring''. Libraries? ''[drops the library]'' Boring! Museums? ''[drops the museum]'' Boring! Cute little dog parks? ''[the citizens in awe; sarcastically]'' Ugh, definitely boring! ''[taunting Liberty]'' But don’t worry, I’m gonna put the adventure back in Adventure City! When I’m done with this place, you won’t even recognize it.
* ''[to Butch and Ruben to get rid of the PAW Patrol for necessary]'' I want the PAW Patrol off the streets now! Find them, catch them, and lock them away.
* ''[after Chase puts him under arrest]'' You can't arrest me! I'm the mayor!

== Delores ==
* ''[when Liberty founds Chase and needs him to get out of the obedience school; sarcastically]'' Puh-lease! This scrawny, little purse pup is gonna pull a jailbreak?

== Butch ==
* ''[gives Mayor Humdinger his hat to his defeat]'' Here you go, boss.

== Others ==
*'''Kendra Wilson''': ''[gives a speech about the PAW Patrol saved Adventure City]'' Adventure City is our home. It's up to all of us to take care of it. But once in a while, a group of heroes go above and beyond the call of duty. They look out for their neighbors before they look out for themselves. And they're so darn cute, I just want to ''squeeze'' 'em!
*'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[gives a news report about the PAW Patrol's arrival in Adventure City]'' Guardians. Heroes. Cute little dogs and adorable outfits. Whatever you call them, the PAW Patrol were here to save the city from Mayor Humdinger's disastrous fireworks debacle. As a professional journalist, it's important that I remain unbiased. That being said; ''Ooh, yikes!'' An embarrassing start for Mayor Humdinger, but an incredible debut for the PAW Patrol in Adventure City.
*'''Rubble''': ''[Ryder shows the pups a self serving pup-treat dispenser, he sings angelic and make the other pups laugh]'' What? It's a beautiful thing.
*'''Skye''': ''[when Ryder tells her to be careful while she goes to take down the Cloud Catcher with her helicopter]'' Don't worry about me. I can handle a little ''turbulence''.
*'''Marshall''': ''[jumps off the holograms of the city, then he thrown himself on Rocky and Rubble]'' Next time, ''warn me'' before you stick a building up my nose.
*'''Rocky''': [when ''the others got stuck in traffic, he shouts to the traffic light]'' Green means go! ''Green means go!'' ''[to Marshall]'' Green does still mean go, right?
*'''Zuma''': [''the pups, Liberty and Ryder gets shocked and sees Mayor Humdinger's tallest skyscraper and the big storm in the sky]'' Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
*'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[at the ceremony for the PAW Patrol, he talks to the Tough Guy]'' Me and the PAW Patrol? We go ''way'' back!

== Dialogue ==
:''[First lines, in the Spin Master Entertainment logo, Marshall the firefighting pup enters onscreen, but he tumbles into the Spin Master logo and the logo spins]''
:'''Marshall''': Whoa! I'm okay.
:''[Chase the police pup appears and uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to stop the logo from spinning, then he words &quot;entertainment&quot; appears, as Marshall and Chase look at the audience]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[sees Gus the truck driver is stuck on the bridge]'' Oh, my. That's not good. That's not good at all. ''[to Gus]'' Good morning there, friend! Looks like you're in a particularly precarious predicament.
:'''Gus''': Call the police! Call the fire department! ''[the truck door fall it open]'' Call everybody!
:'''Cap'n Turbot''': You're in Adventure Bay. ''[shows his phone to Gus]'' Here, we call the PAW Patrol!
:'''Gus''': You're gonna call the who?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ryder''': Chase, it's all up to you. Use the winch in your pup-pack to get the driver and bring him to safety.
:'''Chase''': Chase is on the case! ''[rushes on the bridge to free Gus]'' Arf! Grappling hook!
:''[Chase uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to secures on top on the bridge, he jumps off the bridge, howling and his hook was hanging on top, then he comes down]''
:'''Chase''': Sir, don't be alarmed. I'm coming down!
:'''Gus''': Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! The rescue team is here! ''[sees Chase]'' A ''dog!?''
:'''Chase''': Actually, sir, I'm a puppy.
:'''Gus''': A ''baby dog!?'' That's even worse!
:'''Chase''': You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally. Now, let's get you outta here.
:'''Gus''': No way! I'm waiting right here for a ''real'' rescue. ''[the truck lows even more]'' '''''AAH!!!''''' I changed my mind! ''[grabs Chase]'' I'll go with you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[In Adventure City, a Tough Guy eating a donut and throw his trash on a leg of a dachshund named Liberty]''
:'''Liberty''': Huh? Oh, um. ''[to a Tough Guy]'' Hey, excuse me? You dropped something.
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[frustrated]'' I'm done with it! Buzz off, ''wiener dog.''
:'''Liberty''': ''[angered]'' ''Wiener dog''?! Maybe you should just pick that up and put it in the trash!
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah, or what?
:'''Liberty''': Or I'm going to pick you up and put ''you in the trash!'' ''[the passengers gasp that was said to her]'' Hmph!
:'''Tough Guy''': Hey, I don't want no trouble! ''[picks up the trash]'' I'm picking up the trash. I'm picking up the trash!
:'''Liberty''': ''[praises]'' Thank you. We've all got to take pride in our city. Don't ever forget that. ''[hears the subway speaker]'' This is my stop, it's been a slice. ''[leaves the subway train]''
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[to Liberty]'' I'm gonna turn my life around. I really am.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Back in Adventure Bay, an emergency call in the big screen on the Lookout]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Liberty''': What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
:'''Ryder''': Is there something we can help you with?
:'''Liberty''': ''[agreeing]'' Yes, yes, yes! My name is Liberty, and I'm calling in from Adventure City. Something terrible has happened. Humdinger... was just elected ''mayor''!
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Rubble and Zuma''': ''[shocked]'' '''''HUMDINGER!?!?'''''
:'''Ryder''': He's the worst mayor in the history of mayors!
:'''Rubble''': And that's being generous.
:'''Liberty''': You're telling me, this guy's a disaster! He's going to destroy the whole city! Please, we need your help. Come quickly. ''[ends her call]''
:'''Ryder''': Adventure City's in trouble. Come on pups, pack your things! No city's too big, no pup's too small!
:''[The pups are excited and start howling, but Ryder sees Chase goes into the elevator]''
:'''Ryder''': What's wrong, Chase?
:'''Chase''': I'm not going.
:'''Ryder''': We have to go. They need us.
:'''Chase''': ''[refused]'' I'm ''never'' going back to Adventure City! ''[the elevator brings him down]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[worried]'' Chase...
:'''Marshall''': ''[concerned]'' What's got his leash in a knot?
:'''Ryder''': ''[hesitates]'' Chase has a... ''history'' with Adventure City. He has a lot of tough memories from that place...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Skye''': ''[remarking on the new headquarters]'' How can we afford this place?
:'''Ryder''': ''[holding up a PAW Patrol T-shirt featuring Chase, Marshall and Skye in their original [[w:Guru Studio|Guru Studio]] designs]'' Officially licensed PAW Patrol merchandise. This stuff sells like hot-cakes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Marshall rescue the passengers on the upside-down subway and Skye brings Chase back to the streets]''
:'''Ryder''': Okay, that's all of them. ''[to the pups]'' Good job, pups. ''[sees Chase]'' Chase.
:'''Chase''': I don't know what happened.
:'''Ryder''': I'm just glad you're okay.
:'''Chase''': ''[sadly]'' I'm sorry.
:'''Ryder''': No, it's my fault. I though you'll be okay in Adventure City. But still too much for you.
:'''Chase''': I'll be fine. I, I just need to...
:'''Ryder''': You're not fine. You need to take a break. We'll take care of the recuses for a while.
:'''Chase''': What? No, that's not fair.
:'''Ryder''': I'm sorry, Chase. I know it's hard, but it's the way it's gotta be.
: ''[A heartbroken Chase backs away from Ryder, feeling like he can no longer trust him]''
:'''Chase''': ''[angrily]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything would be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
:'''Ryder''': ''[hurt by Chase's words]'' Chase...
:''[Feeling that Ryder betrayed his trust, Chase runs away out of heartbreak]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[runs after Chase]'' Chase, wait!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The pups, Liberty, and Ryder saw the storm in the sky on the window as they got shocked]''
:'''Zuma''': Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
:''[The lightning scares Rubble, as he screams and hides on Liberty and Skye]''
:'''Skye''': ''[sarcastically]'' Rubble.
:'''Rubble''': What? Lightning is frightening.
:''[An emergency call in the big screen and its ringing]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Kendra Wilson''': What's ''the'' emergency?! The mesoscale convective system is causing exponential thermal lift and catastrophic downbursts at over ''190 knots!''
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Zuma and Liberty''': ''[confused]'' '''''WHAT?!'''''
:'''Rubble''': ''[to Kendra]'' It's a super, bad storm. ''[to the other pups]'' Come on, guys, keep up.
:'''Kendra Wilson''': Finally, ''somebody'' gets me. This is ''not'' a regular storm. It’s being caused by a weather-control device that’s unleashing weeks’ worth of bad weather ''all at once!''
:'''Ryder''': Take cover. We're on our way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[When Marshall and Rocky brings the people to get inside of Humdinger Heights, Rubble is wearing Marty Muckraker's wig]''
:'''Marty Muckraker''': Hey, that's my hair! Where did you find it?
:'''Rubble''': The hair ''found'' me. It was my destiny.
:'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[yanks his wig from Rubble]'' Well, that's ''my'' signature look! ''[puts his wig on his head]'' Buy your own hair.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The Cloud Catcher is destroyed and the skies are clear again and sunny, Skye falls from the air with joy, then she uses her jet-pack to fly to safety, as she landed, the pups are impressed]''
:'''Marshall''': Good job, Skye!
:'''Zuma''': That was totally awesome!
:'''Liberty''': You’re definitely my favorite pup!
:'''Skye''': ''[hopefully]'' I hope Ryder got insurance on my copter.
:''[Skye saw her helicopter was crashed on the ground behind her, Rocky was next, as he looked on it and making her upset]''
:'''Rocky''': That'll buff right out. ''[Skye looked at him in annoyance for he was joking]''
:''[Chase and Ryder comes out of the building and the pups are happy to see them]''
:'''Rubble''': ''[relieved]'' He's okay!
:'''Marshall''': All right!
:''[The other pups tackles Ryder and they licking and hugging him]''
:'''Skye''': ''[to the other male pups]'' Okay, okay, give him some air.
:'''Liberty''': ''[concerned]'' How do you feel?
:'''Ryder''': ''[laughs]'' Covered in drool!
:'''Rubble''': ''[joked]'' I can’t help it, I’m a bulldog! My tongue is ''too'' big for my mouth. See? ''[shows them with his tongue and they started to laugh]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[picks up Chase's hat; to the pups]'' You did good, pups. ''[puts on Chase's hat on his head and he patted him]''
:''[The pups started to howl and they laughed, the citizens are cheering for the PAW Patrol and they come out from Humdinger Heights]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[comes out and trying to escape]'' Time for me to get out of here.
:'''Chase''': ''[angered]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! ''[the PAW Patrol spots Mayor Humdinger, and they started to staring at him]'' You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangerment, and dog-napping.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[to Chase]'' You can’t arrest me! I’m the mayor! ''[laughing and escapes, then his kittens drops them and run away]''
:'''Marshall''': ''[alarmed]'' He's getting away!
:'''Skye''': Arf! Mini-drone! ''[releases her drone in her jet-pack and flies to catch Mayor Humdinger]''
:''[Mayor Humdinger running to escape, but the drone's hook is holding his pants, as it flies on the center by the PAW Patrol and the citizens]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[infuriated]'' Put me down! Nobody makes a fool of Mayor Humdinger five times in the same day!
:''[The hook was on Mayor Humdinger's pants is ripped off and makes him fall, then he shrieks and cover his underpants]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[dismayed]'' Well, this is humiliating.
:'''Butch''': ''[puts Mayor Humdinger's hat to him]'' Here you go, boss.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': That's better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Closing lines, Ryder's phone interrupts his speech and gets a call from Harris and tells him that there is trouble at the waterfront]''
:'''Chase''': ''[to Ryder; along with Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!
:'''Ryder''': ''[to the citizens]'' Sorry, folks. Duty calls.

==Taglines==
* Our fate is in their paws.
* A Nose for Adventure (Chase tagline)
* New Dog, New Tricks (Liberty tagline)
* Can You Dig It? (Rubble tagline)
* She's So Fly (Skye tagline)
* Coming in Hot (Marshall tagline)
* Not Afraid to Get His Paws Dirty (Rocky tagline)
* Diving Into Adventure (Zuma tagline)

==Voice cast==
* [[w:Iain Armitage|Iain Armitage]] - Chase
* Will Brisbin - Ryder
* [[w:Marsai Martin|Marsai Martin]] - Liberty
* [[w:Ron Pardo|Ron Pardo]] - Mayor Humdinger/Cap'n Turbot
* Keegan Hedley - Rubble
* [[w:Lilly Bartlam|Lilly Bartlam]] - Skye
* Kingsley Marshall - Marshall
* Callum Shoniker - Rocky
* Shayle Simons - Zuma
* [[w:Yara Shahidi|Yara Shahidi]] - Kendra Wilson
* [[w:Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West]] - Delores
* [[Randall Park]] - Butch
* [[w:Dax Shepard|Dax Shepard]] - Ruben
* [[Tyler Perry]] - Gus
* [[Jimmy Kimmel]] - Marty Muckraker
* [[w:Kim Roberts (actress)|Kim Roberts]] - Mayor Goodway
* [[w:Paul Braunstein|Paul Braunstein]] - Tough Guy
* Monique Alvarez - Carmen
* [[w:Jamillah Ross|Jamillah Ross]] - Camerawoman
* [[w:Josh Robert Thompson|Josh Robert Thompson]] - Technician
* Josh Graham - Computer Voice
* [[w:Neil Crone|Neil Crone]] - Tony
* [[w:Joe Pingue|Joe Pingue]] - Barney
* Charlie Gallant - Harris
* Richard Binsley - Rocket
* [[w:Raoul Bhaneja |Raoul Bhaneja]] - Man
* [[w:Saara Chaudry|Saara Chaudry]] - Girl
* Kevin Duhaney - Window Washer
* Eva Olivia - Kitten Catastrophe Crew/Chickaletta

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
[[Category:PAW Patrol]]
[[Category:2021 films]]
[[Category:Canadian films]]
[[Category:2020s American animated films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Animated films about dogs]]
[[Category:Films about children]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated action films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Nickelodeon films]]
[[Category:Films based on animated television series]]</text>
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      <text bytes="20646" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title|bottom|2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film adaption of the television series directed by Cal Brunker}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
'''''{{w|PAW Patrol: The Movie}}''''' is a 2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] produced by {{w|Nickelodeon Movies}} and distributed by {{w|Paramount Pictures}}. The film stars the voices of {{w|Iain Armitage}}, {{w|Marsai Martin}}, {{w|Ron Pardo}}, {{w|Yara Shahidi}}, {{w|Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West}}, [[Randall Park]], {{w|Dax Shepard}}, with [[Tyler Perry]], and [[Jimmy Kimmel]], introducing {{w|Will Brisbin}}. In the film, Ryder and the pups are called to Adventure City to stop the corrupt rival Mayor Humdinger from turning the bustling metropolis into a state of chaos to face the challenge in order to save the citizens of Adventure City.

:''Directed by [[w:Cal Brunker|Cal Brunker]] and written by [[w:Billy Frolick|Billy Frolick]] and [[w:Bob Barlen|Bob Barlen]]. Based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] by {{w|Keith Chapman}}.''

{{center|'''Our fate is in their paws.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Chase ==
* ''[when facing his fear to his situation]'' I can do this...
* ''[to Gus]'' You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally.
* ''[to Ryder that he and his friends are going to Adventure City]'' I'm afraid if I go back there, everyone will see I'm still that scared little puppy, and not the hero they think I am.
* ''[when his friends are amazed and he gets terrified as they arrived Adventure City]'' It's a lot... ''bigger'' than I remember.
* ''[first ride with his new rocket-powered police cruiser]'' Oh, I could get used to this!
* ''[sees the citizens trapped in the City Hall balcony on fire]'' Ryder, we've got people trapped on the balcony! I'm going in!
* ''[after Ryder checks him and tells him that he fails his first mission]'' I can't believe I forgot to disconnect my parachute. It's Air Rescue 101.
* ''[backs away from Ryder]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything will be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
* ''[after Ryder tells him about his backstory, then he asks him to go to work and he agrees]'' Ready for action, Ryder, sir.
* ''[Ryder gives him a nice catch by a flying car]'' You can count on me, Ryder.
* ''[driving to save Ryder with his motorcycle]'' I'm coming, Ryder!
* ''[when Mayor Humdinger tries to escape with his kittens, and he catches him]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangerment, and dog-napping.
* ''[when Ryder receives a call from Harris, he is with Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!

== Liberty ==
* ''[first call when she is a big fan of the PAW Patrol]'' What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
* ''[running and escapes with the unstable fireworks]'' '''''THIS IS WHY DOGS HATE FIREWORKS!!!'''''
* ''[the PAW Patrol reached and arrived at the City Hall]'' You have reached your destination.
* ''[the photographers are taking pictures to Chase's friends, then she enters and talks to them]'' Hey, hey! Anyone want a picture with me? I'm kind of like an honorary member of the PAW Patrol. You should have seen me out there. I was like, &quot;Turn left, turn right, turn left, turn right!&quot; It was amazing!
* ''[Butch and Ruben caught and thrown her in the van, then she pretends to be captured]'' '''''OH, NO! PLEASE! LET ME GO!!!''''' Don't take me to exactly the same place you took the other dogs, in this white van! License plate number YVP 8624!
* ''[to Delores for embarrassment]'' You talk a lot of trash for a dog that looks like a toilet brush.
* ''[encouraging Chase]'' So? Who cares if you're scared? Heroes get scared all the time. ''['''Chase''': They do?]'' Of course they do. But even through they're scared, they push through and keep going. That's what make them heroes.
* ''[surprising Chase that the wall is wrecked and revealed to be Rubble]'' I brought ''backup''!
* ''[Ryder surprising her to a rocket-powered scooter; calmly]'' Okay, Liberty. Play it cool, play it cool. ''[then she gets excitedly]'' '''''AAH!!! THIS IS AMAZING! IT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!''''' I've never been so happy! It's like my whole life has been building towards this moment! All of my dreams have come true! ''[faints]'' It's so amazing!
* ''[Ryder gives her own pup-tag after they saved Adventure City and she becomes official member of the PAW Patrol]'' I'm official! Hey! Check me out! I'm officially official! Official member of the PAW Patrol, right here!

== Mayor Humdinger ==
* ''[when his top hat is flew away or it gets destroyed]'' My top hat!
* You know, they call this place Adventure City, but what’s so adventure-y about it? The truth is, it’s ''boring''. Libraries? ''[drops the library]'' Boring! Museums? ''[drops the museum]'' Boring! Cute little dog parks? ''[the citizens in awe; sarcastically]'' Ugh, definitely boring! ''[taunting Liberty]'' But don’t worry, I’m gonna put the adventure back in Adventure City! When I’m done with this place, you won’t even recognize it.
* ''[to Butch and Ruben to get rid of the PAW Patrol for necessary]'' I want the PAW Patrol off the streets now! Find them, catch them, and lock them away.
* ''[after Chase puts him under arrest]'' You can't arrest me! I'm the mayor!

== Delores ==
* ''[when Liberty founds Chase and needs him to get out of the obedience school; sarcastically]'' Puh-lease! This scrawny, little purse pup is gonna pull a jailbreak?

== Butch ==
* ''[gives Mayor Humdinger his hat to his defeat]'' Here you go, boss.

== Others ==
*'''Kendra Wilson''': ''[gives a speech about the PAW Patrol saved Adventure City]'' Adventure City is our home. It's up to all of us to take care of it. But once in a while, a group of heroes go above and beyond the call of duty. They look out for their neighbors before they look out for themselves. And they're so darn cute, I just want to ''squeeze'' 'em!
*'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[gives a news report about the PAW Patrol's arrival in Adventure City]'' Guardians. Heroes. Cute little dogs and adorable outfits. Whatever you call them, the PAW Patrol were here to save the city from Mayor Humdinger's disastrous fireworks debacle. As a professional journalist, it's important that I remain unbiased. That being said; ''Ooh, yikes!'' An embarrassing start for Mayor Humdinger, but an incredible debut for the PAW Patrol in Adventure City.
*'''Rubble''': ''[Ryder shows the pups a self serving pup-treat dispenser, he sings angelic and make the other pups laugh]'' What? It's a beautiful thing.
*'''Skye''': ''[when Ryder tells her to be careful while she goes to stop the Cloud Catcher with her helicopter]'' Don't worry about me. I can handle a little ''turbulence''.
*'''Marshall''': ''[jumps off the holograms of the city, then he thrown himself on Rocky and Rubble]'' Next time, ''warn me'' before you stick a building up my nose.
*'''Rocky''': [when ''the others got stuck in traffic, he shouts to the traffic light]'' Green means go! ''Green means go!'' ''[to Marshall]'' Green does still mean go, right?
*'''Zuma''': [''the pups, Liberty and Ryder gets shocked and sees Mayor Humdinger's tallest skyscraper and the big storm in the sky]'' Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
*'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[at the ceremony for the PAW Patrol, he talks to the Tough Guy]'' Me and the PAW Patrol? We go ''way'' back!

== Dialogue ==
:''[First lines, in the Spin Master Entertainment logo, Marshall the firefighting pup enters onscreen, but he tumbles into the Spin Master logo and the logo spins]''
:'''Marshall''': Whoa! I'm okay.
:''[Chase the police pup appears and uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to stop the logo from spinning, then he words &quot;entertainment&quot; appears, as Marshall and Chase look at the audience]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[sees Gus the truck driver is stuck on the bridge]'' Oh, my. That's not good. That's not good at all. ''[to Gus]'' Good morning there, friend! Looks like you're in a particularly precarious predicament.
:'''Gus''': Call the police! Call the fire department! ''[the truck door fall it open]'' Call everybody!
:'''Cap'n Turbot''': You're in Adventure Bay. ''[shows his phone to Gus]'' Here, we call the PAW Patrol!
:'''Gus''': You're gonna call the who?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ryder''': Chase, it's all up to you. Use the winch in your pup-pack to get the driver and bring him to safety.
:'''Chase''': Chase is on the case! ''[rushes on the bridge to free Gus]'' Arf! Grappling hook!
:''[Chase uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to secures on top on the bridge, he jumps off the bridge, howling and his hook was hanging on top, then he comes down]''
:'''Chase''': Sir, don't be alarmed. I'm coming down!
:'''Gus''': Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! The rescue team is here! ''[sees Chase]'' A ''dog!?''
:'''Chase''': Actually, sir, I'm a puppy.
:'''Gus''': A ''baby dog!?'' That's even worse!
:'''Chase''': You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally. Now, let's get you outta here.
:'''Gus''': No way! I'm waiting right here for a ''real'' rescue. ''[the truck lows even more]'' '''''AAH!!!''''' I changed my mind! ''[grabs Chase]'' I'll go with you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[In Adventure City, a Tough Guy eating a donut and throw his trash on a leg of a dachshund named Liberty]''
:'''Liberty''': Huh? Oh, um. ''[to a Tough Guy]'' Hey, excuse me? You dropped something.
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[frustrated]'' I'm done with it! Buzz off, ''wiener dog.''
:'''Liberty''': ''[angered]'' ''Wiener dog''?! Maybe you should just pick that up and put it in the trash!
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah, or what?
:'''Liberty''': Or I'm going to pick you up and put ''you in the trash!'' ''[the passengers gasp that was said to her]'' Hmph!
:'''Tough Guy''': Hey, I don't want no trouble! ''[picks up the trash]'' I'm picking up the trash. I'm picking up the trash!
:'''Liberty''': ''[praises]'' Thank you. We've all got to take pride in our city. Don't ever forget that. ''[hears the subway speaker]'' This is my stop, it's been a slice. ''[leaves the subway train]''
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[to Liberty]'' I'm gonna turn my life around. I really am.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Back in Adventure Bay, an emergency call in the big screen on the Lookout]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Liberty''': What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
:'''Ryder''': Is there something we can help you with?
:'''Liberty''': ''[agreeing]'' Yes, yes, yes! My name is Liberty, and I'm calling in from Adventure City. Something terrible has happened. Humdinger... was just elected ''mayor''!
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Rubble and Zuma''': ''[shocked]'' '''''HUMDINGER!?!?'''''
:'''Ryder''': He's the worst mayor in the history of mayors!
:'''Rubble''': And that's being generous.
:'''Liberty''': You're telling me, this guy's a disaster! He's going to destroy the whole city! Please, we need your help. Come quickly. ''[ends her call]''
:'''Ryder''': Adventure City's in trouble. Come on pups, pack your things! No city's too big, no pup's too small!
:''[The pups are excited and start howling, but Ryder sees Chase goes into the elevator]''
:'''Ryder''': What's wrong, Chase?
:'''Chase''': I'm not going.
:'''Ryder''': We have to go. They need us.
:'''Chase''': ''[refused]'' I'm ''never'' going back to Adventure City! ''[the elevator brings him down]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[worried]'' Chase...
:'''Marshall''': ''[concerned]'' What's got his leash in a knot?
:'''Ryder''': ''[hesitates]'' Chase has a... ''history'' with Adventure City. He has a lot of tough memories from that place...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Skye''': ''[remarking on the new headquarters]'' How can we afford this place?
:'''Ryder''': ''[holding up a PAW Patrol T-shirt featuring Chase, Marshall and Skye in their original [[w:Guru Studio|Guru Studio]] designs]'' Officially licensed PAW Patrol merchandise. This stuff sells like hot-cakes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Marshall rescue the passengers on the upside-down subway and Skye brings Chase back to the streets]''
:'''Ryder''': Okay, that's all of them. ''[to the pups]'' Good job, pups. ''[sees Chase]'' Chase.
:'''Chase''': I don't know what happened.
:'''Ryder''': I'm just glad you're okay.
:'''Chase''': ''[sadly]'' I'm sorry.
:'''Ryder''': No, it's my fault. I though you'll be okay in Adventure City. But still too much for you.
:'''Chase''': I'll be fine. I, I just need to...
:'''Ryder''': You're not fine. You need to take a break. We'll take care of the recuses for a while.
:'''Chase''': What? No, that's not fair.
:'''Ryder''': I'm sorry, Chase. I know it's hard, but it's the way it's gotta be.
: ''[A heartbroken Chase backs away from Ryder, feeling like he can no longer trust him]''
:'''Chase''': ''[angrily]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything would be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
:'''Ryder''': ''[hurt by Chase's words]'' Chase...
:''[Feeling that Ryder betrayed his trust, Chase runs away out of heartbreak]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[runs after Chase]'' Chase, wait!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The pups, Liberty, and Ryder saw the storm in the sky on the window as they got shocked]''
:'''Zuma''': Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
:''[The lightning scares Rubble, as he screams and hides on Liberty and Skye]''
:'''Skye''': ''[sarcastically]'' Rubble.
:'''Rubble''': What? Lightning is frightening.
:''[An emergency call in the big screen and its ringing]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Kendra Wilson''': What's ''the'' emergency?! The mesoscale convective system is causing exponential thermal lift and catastrophic downbursts at over ''190 knots!''
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Zuma and Liberty''': ''[confused]'' '''''WHAT?!'''''
:'''Rubble''': ''[to Kendra]'' It's a super, bad storm. ''[to the other pups]'' Come on, guys, keep up.
:'''Kendra Wilson''': Finally, ''somebody'' gets me. This is ''not'' a regular storm. It’s being caused by a weather-control device that’s unleashing weeks’ worth of bad weather ''all at once!''
:'''Ryder''': Take cover. We're on our way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[When Marshall and Rocky brings the people to get inside of Humdinger Heights, Rubble is wearing Marty Muckraker's wig]''
:'''Marty Muckraker''': Hey, that's my hair! Where did you find it?
:'''Rubble''': The hair ''found'' me. It was my destiny.
:'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[yanks his wig from Rubble]'' Well, that's ''my'' signature look! ''[puts his wig on his head]'' Buy your own hair.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The Cloud Catcher is destroyed and the skies are clear again and sunny, Skye falls from the air with joy, then she uses her jet-pack to fly to safety, as she landed, the pups are impressed]''
:'''Marshall''': Good job, Skye!
:'''Zuma''': That was totally awesome!
:'''Liberty''': You’re definitely my favorite pup!
:'''Skye''': ''[hopefully]'' I hope Ryder got insurance on my copter.
:''[Skye saw her helicopter was crashed on the ground behind her, Rocky was next, as he looked on it and making her upset]''
:'''Rocky''': That'll buff right out. ''[Skye looked at him in annoyance for he was joking]''
:''[Chase and Ryder comes out of the building and the pups are happy to see them]''
:'''Rubble''': ''[relieved]'' He's okay!
:'''Marshall''': All right!
:''[The other pups tackles Ryder and they licking and hugging him]''
:'''Skye''': ''[to the other male pups]'' Okay, okay, give him some air.
:'''Liberty''': ''[concerned]'' How do you feel?
:'''Ryder''': ''[laughs]'' Covered in drool!
:'''Rubble''': ''[joked]'' I can’t help it, I’m a bulldog! My tongue is ''too'' big for my mouth. See? ''[shows them with his tongue and they started to laugh]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[picks up Chase's hat; to the pups]'' You did good, pups. ''[puts on Chase's hat on his head and he patted him]''
:''[The pups started to howl and they laughed, the citizens are cheering for the PAW Patrol and they come out from Humdinger Heights]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[comes out and trying to escape]'' Time for me to get out of here.
:'''Chase''': ''[angered]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! ''[the PAW Patrol spots Mayor Humdinger, and they started to staring at him]'' You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangerment, and dog-napping.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[to Chase]'' You can’t arrest me! I’m the mayor! ''[laughing and escapes, then his kittens drops them and run away]''
:'''Marshall''': ''[alarmed]'' He's getting away!
:'''Skye''': Arf! Mini-drone! ''[releases her drone in her jet-pack and flies to catch Mayor Humdinger]''
:''[Mayor Humdinger running to escape, but the drone's hook is holding his pants, as it flies on the center by the PAW Patrol and the citizens]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[infuriated]'' Put me down! Nobody makes a fool of Mayor Humdinger five times in the same day!
:''[The hook was on Mayor Humdinger's pants is ripped off and makes him fall, then he shrieks and cover his underpants]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[dismayed]'' Well, this is humiliating.
:'''Butch''': ''[puts Mayor Humdinger's hat to him]'' Here you go, boss.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': That's better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Closing lines, Ryder's phone interrupts his speech and gets a call from Harris and tells him that there is trouble at the waterfront]''
:'''Chase''': ''[to Ryder; along with Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!
:'''Ryder''': ''[to the citizens]'' Sorry, folks. Duty calls.

==Taglines==
* Our fate is in their paws.
* A Nose for Adventure (Chase tagline)
* New Dog, New Tricks (Liberty tagline)
* Can You Dig It? (Rubble tagline)
* She's So Fly (Skye tagline)
* Coming in Hot (Marshall tagline)
* Not Afraid to Get His Paws Dirty (Rocky tagline)
* Diving Into Adventure (Zuma tagline)

==Voice cast==
* [[w:Iain Armitage|Iain Armitage]] - Chase
* Will Brisbin - Ryder
* [[w:Marsai Martin|Marsai Martin]] - Liberty
* [[w:Ron Pardo|Ron Pardo]] - Mayor Humdinger/Cap'n Turbot
* Keegan Hedley - Rubble
* [[w:Lilly Bartlam|Lilly Bartlam]] - Skye
* Kingsley Marshall - Marshall
* Callum Shoniker - Rocky
* Shayle Simons - Zuma
* [[w:Yara Shahidi|Yara Shahidi]] - Kendra Wilson
* [[w:Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West]] - Delores
* [[Randall Park]] - Butch
* [[w:Dax Shepard|Dax Shepard]] - Ruben
* [[Tyler Perry]] - Gus
* [[Jimmy Kimmel]] - Marty Muckraker
* [[w:Kim Roberts (actress)|Kim Roberts]] - Mayor Goodway
* [[w:Paul Braunstein|Paul Braunstein]] - Tough Guy
* Monique Alvarez - Carmen
* [[w:Jamillah Ross|Jamillah Ross]] - Camerawoman
* [[w:Josh Robert Thompson|Josh Robert Thompson]] - Technician
* Josh Graham - Computer Voice
* [[w:Neil Crone|Neil Crone]] - Tony
* [[w:Joe Pingue|Joe Pingue]] - Barney
* Charlie Gallant - Harris
* Richard Binsley - Rocket
* [[w:Raoul Bhaneja |Raoul Bhaneja]] - Man
* [[w:Saara Chaudry|Saara Chaudry]] - Girl
* Kevin Duhaney - Window Washer
* Eva Olivia - Kitten Catastrophe Crew/Chickaletta

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
[[Category:PAW Patrol]]
[[Category:2021 films]]
[[Category:Canadian films]]
[[Category:2020s American animated films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Animated films about dogs]]
[[Category:Films about children]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated action films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Nickelodeon films]]
[[Category:Films based on animated television series]]</text>
      <sha1>1pprwrohxfzl2pdv941pvo9pgcak9cb</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3148014</id>
      <parentid>3148013</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T05:17:10Z</timestamp>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="20648" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title|bottom|2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film adaption of the television series directed by Cal Brunker}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
'''''{{w|PAW Patrol: The Movie}}''''' is a 2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] produced by {{w|Nickelodeon Movies}} and distributed by {{w|Paramount Pictures}}. The film stars the voices of {{w|Iain Armitage}}, {{w|Marsai Martin}}, {{w|Ron Pardo}}, {{w|Yara Shahidi}}, {{w|Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West}}, [[Randall Park]], {{w|Dax Shepard}}, with [[Tyler Perry]], and [[Jimmy Kimmel]], introducing {{w|Will Brisbin}}. In the film, Ryder and the pups are called to Adventure City to stop the corrupt rival Mayor Humdinger from turning the bustling metropolis into a state of chaos to face the challenge in order to save the citizens of Adventure City.

:''Directed by [[w:Cal Brunker|Cal Brunker]] and written by [[w:Billy Frolick|Billy Frolick]] and [[w:Bob Barlen|Bob Barlen]]. Based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] by {{w|Keith Chapman}}.''

{{center|'''Our fate is in their paws.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Chase ==
* ''[when facing his fear to his situation]'' I can do this...
* ''[to Gus]'' You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally.
* ''[to Ryder that he and his friends are going to Adventure City]'' I'm afraid if I go back there, everyone will see I'm still that scared little puppy, and not the hero they think I am.
* ''[when his friends are amazed and he gets terrified as they arrived Adventure City]'' It's a lot... ''bigger'' than I remember.
* ''[first ride with his new rocket-powered police cruiser]'' Oh, I could get used to this!
* ''[sees the citizens trapped in the City Hall balcony on fire]'' Ryder, we've got people trapped on the balcony! I'm going in!
* ''[after Ryder checks him and tells him that he fails his first mission]'' I can't believe I forgot to disconnect my parachute. It's Air Rescue 101.
* ''[backs away from Ryder]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything will be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
* ''[after Ryder tells him about his backstory, then he asks him to go to work and he agrees]'' Ready for action, Ryder, sir.
* ''[Ryder gives him a nice catch by a flying car]'' You can count on me, Ryder.
* ''[driving to save Ryder with his motorcycle]'' I'm coming, Ryder!
* ''[when Mayor Humdinger tries to escape with his kittens, and he catches him]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangerment, and dog-napping.
* ''[when Ryder receives a call from Harris, he is with Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!

== Liberty ==
* ''[first call when she is a big fan of the PAW Patrol]'' What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
* ''[running and escapes with the unstable fireworks]'' '''''THIS IS WHY DOGS HATE FIREWORKS!!!'''''
* ''[the PAW Patrol reached and arrived at the City Hall]'' You have reached your destination.
* ''[the photographers are taking pictures to Chase's friends, then she enters and talks to them]'' Hey, hey! Anyone want a picture with me? I'm kind of like an honorary member of the PAW Patrol. You should have seen me out there. I was like, &quot;Turn left, turn right, turn left, turn right!&quot; It was amazing!
* ''[Butch and Ruben caught and thrown her in the van, then she pretends to be captured]'' '''''OH, NO! PLEASE! LET ME GO!!!''''' Don't take me to exactly the same place you took the other dogs, in this white van! License plate number YVP 8624!
* ''[to Delores for embarrassment]'' You talk a lot of trash for a dog that looks like a toilet brush.
* ''[encouraging Chase]'' So? Who cares if you're scared? Heroes get scared all the time. ''['''Chase''': They do?]'' Of course they do. But even through they're scared, they push through and keep going. That's what make them heroes.
* ''[surprising Chase that the wall is wrecked and revealed to be Rubble]'' I brought ''backup''!
* ''[Ryder surprising her to a rocket-powered scooter; calmly]'' Okay, Liberty. Play it cool, play it cool. ''[then she gets excitedly]'' '''''AAH!!! THIS IS AMAZING! IT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!''''' I've never been so happy! It's like my whole life has been building towards this moment! All of my dreams have come true! ''[faints]'' It's so amazing!
* ''[Ryder gives her own pup-tag after they saved Adventure City and she becomes official member of the PAW Patrol]'' I'm official! Hey! Check me out! I'm officially official! Official member of the PAW Patrol, right here!

== Mayor Humdinger ==
* ''[when his top hat is flew away or it gets destroyed]'' My top hat!
* You know, they call this place Adventure City, but what’s so adventure-y about it? The truth is, it’s ''boring''. Libraries? ''[drops the library]'' Boring! Museums? ''[drops the museum]'' Boring! Cute little dog parks? ''[the citizens in awe; sarcastically]'' Ugh, definitely boring! ''[taunting Liberty]'' But don’t worry, I’m gonna put the adventure back in Adventure City! When I’m done with this place, you won’t even recognize it.
* ''[to Butch and Ruben to get rid of the PAW Patrol for necessary]'' I want the PAW Patrol off the streets now! Find them, catch them, and lock them away.
* ''[after Chase puts him under arrest]'' You can't arrest me! I'm the mayor!

== Delores ==
* ''[when Liberty founds Chase and needs him to get out of the obedience school; sarcastically]'' Puh-lease! This scrawny, little purse pup is gonna pull a jailbreak?

== Butch ==
* ''[gives Mayor Humdinger his hat to his defeat]'' Here you go, boss.

== Others ==
*'''Kendra Wilson''': ''[gives a speech about the PAW Patrol saved Adventure City]'' Adventure City is our home. It's up to all of us to take care of it. But once in a while, a group of heroes go above and beyond the call of duty. They look out for their neighbors before they look out for themselves. And they're so darn cute, I just want to ''squeeze'' 'em!
*'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[gives a news report about the PAW Patrol's arrival in Adventure City]'' Guardians. Heroes. Cute little dogs and adorable outfits. Whatever you call them, the PAW Patrol were here to save the city from Mayor Humdinger's disastrous fireworks debacle. As a professional journalist, it's important that I remain unbiased. That being said; ''Ooh, yikes!'' An embarrassing start for Mayor Humdinger, but an incredible debut for the PAW Patrol in Adventure City.
*'''Rubble''': ''[Ryder shows the pups a self serving pup-treat dispenser, he sings angelic and make the other pups laugh]'' What? It's a beautiful thing.
*'''Skye''': ''[when Ryder tells her to be careful while she goes to stop the Cloud Catcher with her helicopter]'' Don't worry about me. I can handle a little ''turbulence''.
*'''Marshall''': ''[jumps off the holograms of the city, then he thrown himself on Rocky and Rubble]'' Next time, ''warn me'' before you stick a building up my nose.
*'''Rocky''': ''[when ''the others got stuck in traffic, he shouts to the traffic light]'' Green means go! ''Green means go!'' ''[to Marshall]'' Green does still mean go, right?
*'''Zuma''': [''the pups, Liberty and Ryder gets shocked and sees Mayor Humdinger's tallest skyscraper and the big storm in the sky]'' Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
*'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[at the ceremony for the PAW Patrol, he talks to the Tough Guy]'' Me and the PAW Patrol? We go ''way'' back!

== Dialogue ==
:''[First lines, in the Spin Master Entertainment logo, Marshall the firefighting pup enters onscreen, but he tumbles into the Spin Master logo and the logo spins]''
:'''Marshall''': Whoa! I'm okay.
:''[Chase the police pup appears and uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to stop the logo from spinning, then he words &quot;entertainment&quot; appears, as Marshall and Chase look at the audience]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[sees Gus the truck driver is stuck on the bridge]'' Oh, my. That's not good. That's not good at all. ''[to Gus]'' Good morning there, friend! Looks like you're in a particularly precarious predicament.
:'''Gus''': Call the police! Call the fire department! ''[the truck door fall it open]'' Call everybody!
:'''Cap'n Turbot''': You're in Adventure Bay. ''[shows his phone to Gus]'' Here, we call the PAW Patrol!
:'''Gus''': You're gonna call the who?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ryder''': Chase, it's all up to you. Use the winch in your pup-pack to get the driver and bring him to safety.
:'''Chase''': Chase is on the case! ''[rushes on the bridge to free Gus]'' Arf! Grappling hook!
:''[Chase uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to secures on top on the bridge, he jumps off the bridge, howling and his hook was hanging on top, then he comes down]''
:'''Chase''': Sir, don't be alarmed. I'm coming down!
:'''Gus''': Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! The rescue team is here! ''[sees Chase]'' A ''dog!?''
:'''Chase''': Actually, sir, I'm a puppy.
:'''Gus''': A ''baby dog!?'' That's even worse!
:'''Chase''': You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally. Now, let's get you outta here.
:'''Gus''': No way! I'm waiting right here for a ''real'' rescue. ''[the truck lows even more]'' '''''AAH!!!''''' I changed my mind! ''[grabs Chase]'' I'll go with you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[In Adventure City, a Tough Guy eating a donut and throw his trash on a leg of a dachshund named Liberty]''
:'''Liberty''': Huh? Oh, um. ''[to a Tough Guy]'' Hey, excuse me? You dropped something.
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[frustrated]'' I'm done with it! Buzz off, ''wiener dog.''
:'''Liberty''': ''[angered]'' ''Wiener dog''?! Maybe you should just pick that up and put it in the trash!
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah, or what?
:'''Liberty''': Or I'm going to pick you up and put ''you in the trash!'' ''[the passengers gasp that was said to her]'' Hmph!
:'''Tough Guy''': Hey, I don't want no trouble! ''[picks up the trash]'' I'm picking up the trash. I'm picking up the trash!
:'''Liberty''': ''[praises]'' Thank you. We've all got to take pride in our city. Don't ever forget that. ''[hears the subway speaker]'' This is my stop, it's been a slice. ''[leaves the subway train]''
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[to Liberty]'' I'm gonna turn my life around. I really am.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Back in Adventure Bay, an emergency call in the big screen on the Lookout]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Liberty''': What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
:'''Ryder''': Is there something we can help you with?
:'''Liberty''': ''[agreeing]'' Yes, yes, yes! My name is Liberty, and I'm calling in from Adventure City. Something terrible has happened. Humdinger... was just elected ''mayor''!
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Rubble and Zuma''': ''[shocked]'' '''''HUMDINGER!?!?'''''
:'''Ryder''': He's the worst mayor in the history of mayors!
:'''Rubble''': And that's being generous.
:'''Liberty''': You're telling me, this guy's a disaster! He's going to destroy the whole city! Please, we need your help. Come quickly. ''[ends her call]''
:'''Ryder''': Adventure City's in trouble. Come on pups, pack your things! No city's too big, no pup's too small!
:''[The pups are excited and start howling, but Ryder sees Chase goes into the elevator]''
:'''Ryder''': What's wrong, Chase?
:'''Chase''': I'm not going.
:'''Ryder''': We have to go. They need us.
:'''Chase''': ''[refused]'' I'm ''never'' going back to Adventure City! ''[the elevator brings him down]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[worried]'' Chase...
:'''Marshall''': ''[concerned]'' What's got his leash in a knot?
:'''Ryder''': ''[hesitates]'' Chase has a... ''history'' with Adventure City. He has a lot of tough memories from that place...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Skye''': ''[remarking on the new headquarters]'' How can we afford this place?
:'''Ryder''': ''[holding up a PAW Patrol T-shirt featuring Chase, Marshall and Skye in their original [[w:Guru Studio|Guru Studio]] designs]'' Officially licensed PAW Patrol merchandise. This stuff sells like hot-cakes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Marshall rescue the passengers on the upside-down subway and Skye brings Chase back to the streets]''
:'''Ryder''': Okay, that's all of them. ''[to the pups]'' Good job, pups. ''[sees Chase]'' Chase.
:'''Chase''': I don't know what happened.
:'''Ryder''': I'm just glad you're okay.
:'''Chase''': ''[sadly]'' I'm sorry.
:'''Ryder''': No, it's my fault. I though you'll be okay in Adventure City. But still too much for you.
:'''Chase''': I'll be fine. I, I just need to...
:'''Ryder''': You're not fine. You need to take a break. We'll take care of the recuses for a while.
:'''Chase''': What? No, that's not fair.
:'''Ryder''': I'm sorry, Chase. I know it's hard, but it's the way it's gotta be.
: ''[A heartbroken Chase backs away from Ryder, feeling like he can no longer trust him]''
:'''Chase''': ''[angrily]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything would be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
:'''Ryder''': ''[hurt by Chase's words]'' Chase...
:''[Feeling that Ryder betrayed his trust, Chase runs away out of heartbreak]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[runs after Chase]'' Chase, wait!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The pups, Liberty, and Ryder saw the storm in the sky on the window as they got shocked]''
:'''Zuma''': Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
:''[The lightning scares Rubble, as he screams and hides on Liberty and Skye]''
:'''Skye''': ''[sarcastically]'' Rubble.
:'''Rubble''': What? Lightning is frightening.
:''[An emergency call in the big screen and its ringing]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Kendra Wilson''': What's ''the'' emergency?! The mesoscale convective system is causing exponential thermal lift and catastrophic downbursts at over ''190 knots!''
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Zuma and Liberty''': ''[confused]'' '''''WHAT?!'''''
:'''Rubble''': ''[to Kendra]'' It's a super, bad storm. ''[to the other pups]'' Come on, guys, keep up.
:'''Kendra Wilson''': Finally, ''somebody'' gets me. This is ''not'' a regular storm. It’s being caused by a weather-control device that’s unleashing weeks’ worth of bad weather ''all at once!''
:'''Ryder''': Take cover. We're on our way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[When Marshall and Rocky brings the people to get inside of Humdinger Heights, Rubble is wearing Marty Muckraker's wig]''
:'''Marty Muckraker''': Hey, that's my hair! Where did you find it?
:'''Rubble''': The hair ''found'' me. It was my destiny.
:'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[yanks his wig from Rubble]'' Well, that's ''my'' signature look! ''[puts his wig on his head]'' Buy your own hair.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The Cloud Catcher is destroyed and the skies are clear again and sunny, Skye falls from the air with joy, then she uses her jet-pack to fly to safety, as she landed, the pups are impressed]''
:'''Marshall''': Good job, Skye!
:'''Zuma''': That was totally awesome!
:'''Liberty''': You’re definitely my favorite pup!
:'''Skye''': ''[hopefully]'' I hope Ryder got insurance on my copter.
:''[Skye saw her helicopter was crashed on the ground behind her, Rocky was next, as he looked on it and making her upset]''
:'''Rocky''': That'll buff right out. ''[Skye looked at him in annoyance for he was joking]''
:''[Chase and Ryder comes out of the building and the pups are happy to see them]''
:'''Rubble''': ''[relieved]'' He's okay!
:'''Marshall''': All right!
:''[The other pups tackles Ryder and they licking and hugging him]''
:'''Skye''': ''[to the other male pups]'' Okay, okay, give him some air.
:'''Liberty''': ''[concerned]'' How do you feel?
:'''Ryder''': ''[laughs]'' Covered in drool!
:'''Rubble''': ''[joked]'' I can’t help it, I’m a bulldog! My tongue is ''too'' big for my mouth. See? ''[shows them with his tongue and they started to laugh]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[picks up Chase's hat; to the pups]'' You did good, pups. ''[puts on Chase's hat on his head and he patted him]''
:''[The pups started to howl and they laughed, the citizens are cheering for the PAW Patrol and they come out from Humdinger Heights]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[comes out and trying to escape]'' Time for me to get out of here.
:'''Chase''': ''[angered]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! ''[the PAW Patrol spots Mayor Humdinger, and they started to staring at him]'' You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangerment, and dog-napping.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[to Chase]'' You can’t arrest me! I’m the mayor! ''[laughing and escapes, then his kittens drops them and run away]''
:'''Marshall''': ''[alarmed]'' He's getting away!
:'''Skye''': Arf! Mini-drone! ''[releases her drone in her jet-pack and flies to catch Mayor Humdinger]''
:''[Mayor Humdinger running to escape, but the drone's hook is holding his pants, as it flies on the center by the PAW Patrol and the citizens]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[infuriated]'' Put me down! Nobody makes a fool of Mayor Humdinger five times in the same day!
:''[The hook was on Mayor Humdinger's pants is ripped off and makes him fall, then he shrieks and cover his underpants]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[dismayed]'' Well, this is humiliating.
:'''Butch''': ''[puts Mayor Humdinger's hat to him]'' Here you go, boss.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': That's better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Closing lines, Ryder's phone interrupts his speech and gets a call from Harris and tells him that there is trouble at the waterfront]''
:'''Chase''': ''[to Ryder; along with Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!
:'''Ryder''': ''[to the citizens]'' Sorry, folks. Duty calls.

==Taglines==
* Our fate is in their paws.
* A Nose for Adventure (Chase tagline)
* New Dog, New Tricks (Liberty tagline)
* Can You Dig It? (Rubble tagline)
* She's So Fly (Skye tagline)
* Coming in Hot (Marshall tagline)
* Not Afraid to Get His Paws Dirty (Rocky tagline)
* Diving Into Adventure (Zuma tagline)

==Voice cast==
* [[w:Iain Armitage|Iain Armitage]] - Chase
* Will Brisbin - Ryder
* [[w:Marsai Martin|Marsai Martin]] - Liberty
* [[w:Ron Pardo|Ron Pardo]] - Mayor Humdinger/Cap'n Turbot
* Keegan Hedley - Rubble
* [[w:Lilly Bartlam|Lilly Bartlam]] - Skye
* Kingsley Marshall - Marshall
* Callum Shoniker - Rocky
* Shayle Simons - Zuma
* [[w:Yara Shahidi|Yara Shahidi]] - Kendra Wilson
* [[w:Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West]] - Delores
* [[Randall Park]] - Butch
* [[w:Dax Shepard|Dax Shepard]] - Ruben
* [[Tyler Perry]] - Gus
* [[Jimmy Kimmel]] - Marty Muckraker
* [[w:Kim Roberts (actress)|Kim Roberts]] - Mayor Goodway
* [[w:Paul Braunstein|Paul Braunstein]] - Tough Guy
* Monique Alvarez - Carmen
* [[w:Jamillah Ross|Jamillah Ross]] - Camerawoman
* [[w:Josh Robert Thompson|Josh Robert Thompson]] - Technician
* Josh Graham - Computer Voice
* [[w:Neil Crone|Neil Crone]] - Tony
* [[w:Joe Pingue|Joe Pingue]] - Barney
* Charlie Gallant - Harris
* Richard Binsley - Rocket
* [[w:Raoul Bhaneja |Raoul Bhaneja]] - Man
* [[w:Saara Chaudry|Saara Chaudry]] - Girl
* Kevin Duhaney - Window Washer
* Eva Olivia - Kitten Catastrophe Crew/Chickaletta

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
[[Category:PAW Patrol]]
[[Category:2021 films]]
[[Category:Canadian films]]
[[Category:2020s American animated films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Animated films about dogs]]
[[Category:Films about children]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated action films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Nickelodeon films]]
[[Category:Films based on animated television series]]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3148017</id>
      <parentid>3148014</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T05:27:59Z</timestamp>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="20641" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title|bottom|2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film adaption of the television series directed by Cal Brunker}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
'''''{{w|PAW Patrol: The Movie}}''''' is a 2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] produced by {{w|Nickelodeon Movies}} and distributed by {{w|Paramount Pictures}}. The film stars the voices of {{w|Iain Armitage}}, {{w|Marsai Martin}}, {{w|Ron Pardo}}, {{w|Yara Shahidi}}, {{w|Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West}}, [[Randall Park]], {{w|Dax Shepard}}, with [[Tyler Perry]], and [[Jimmy Kimmel]], introducing {{w|Will Brisbin}}. In the film, Ryder and the pups are called to Adventure City to stop the corrupt rival Mayor Humdinger from turning the bustling metropolis into a state of chaos to face the challenge in order to save the citizens of Adventure City.

:''Directed by [[w:Cal Brunker|Cal Brunker]] and written by [[w:Billy Frolick|Billy Frolick]] and [[w:Bob Barlen|Bob Barlen]]. Based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] by {{w|Keith Chapman}}.''

{{center|'''Our fate is in their paws.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Chase ==
* ''[when facing his fear to his situation]'' I can do this...
* ''[to Gus]'' You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally.
* ''[to Ryder that he and his friends are going to Adventure City]'' I'm afraid if I go back there, everyone will see I'm still that scared little puppy, and not the hero they think I am.
* ''[when his friends are amazed and he gets terrified as they arrived Adventure City]'' It's a lot... ''bigger'' than I remember.
* ''[first ride with his new rocket-powered police cruiser]'' Oh, I could get used to this!
* ''[sees the citizens trapped in the City Hall balcony on fire]'' Ryder, we've got people trapped on the balcony! I'm going in!
* ''[after Ryder checks him and tells him that he fails his first mission]'' I can't believe I forgot to disconnect my parachute. It's Air Rescue 101.
* ''[backs away from Ryder]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything will be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
* ''[after Ryder tells him about his backstory, then he asks him to go to work and he agrees]'' Ready for action, Ryder, sir.
* ''[Ryder gives him a nice catch by a flying car]'' You can count on me, Ryder.
* ''[driving to save Ryder with his motorcycle]'' I'm coming, Ryder!
* ''[when Mayor Humdinger tries to escape with his kittens, and he catches him]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangerment, and dog-napping.
* ''[when Ryder receives a call from Harris, he is with Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!

== Liberty ==
* ''[first call when she is a big fan of the PAW Patrol]'' What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
* ''[running and escapes with the unstable fireworks]'' '''''THIS IS WHY DOGS HATE FIREWORKS!!!'''''
* ''[the PAW Patrol reached and arrived at the City Hall]'' You have reached your destination.
* ''[the photographers are taking pictures to Chase's friends, then she enters and talks to them]'' Hey, hey! Anyone want a picture with me? I'm kind of like an honorary member of the PAW Patrol. You should have seen me out there. I was like, &quot;Turn left, turn right, turn left, turn right!&quot; It was amazing!
* ''[Butch and Ruben caught and thrown her in the van, then she pretends to be captured]'' '''''OH, NO! PLEASE! LET ME GO!!!''''' Don't take me to exactly the same place you took the other dogs, in this white van! License plate number YVP 8624!
* ''[to Delores for embarrassment]'' You talk a lot of trash for a dog that looks like a toilet brush.
* ''[encouraging Chase]'' So? Who cares if you're scared? Heroes get scared all the time. ''['''Chase''': They do?]'' Of course they do. But even through they're scared, they push through and keep going. That's what make them heroes.
* ''[surprising Chase that the wall is wrecked and revealed to be Rubble]'' I brought ''backup''!
* ''[Ryder surprising her to a rocket-powered scooter; calmly]'' Okay, Liberty. Play it cool, play it cool. ''[then she gets excitedly]'' '''''AAH!!! THIS IS AMAZING! IT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!''''' I've never been so happy! It's like my whole life has been building towards this moment! All of my dreams have come true! ''[faints]'' It's so amazing!
* ''[Ryder gives her own pup-tag after they saved Adventure City and she becomes official member of the PAW Patrol]'' I'm official! Hey! Check me out! I'm officially official! Official member of the PAW Patrol, right here!

== Mayor Humdinger ==
* ''[when his top hat is flew away or it gets destroyed]'' My top hat!
* You know, they call this place Adventure City, but what’s so adventure-y about it? The truth is, it’s ''boring''. Libraries? ''[drops the library]'' Boring! Museums? ''[drops the museum]'' Boring! Cute little dog parks? ''[the citizens in awe; sarcastically]'' Ugh, definitely boring! ''[taunting Liberty]'' But don’t worry, I’m gonna put the adventure back in Adventure City! When I’m done with this place, you won’t even recognize it.
* ''[to Butch and Ruben to get rid of the PAW Patrol for necessary]'' I want the PAW Patrol off the streets now! Find them, catch them, and lock them away.
* ''[after Chase puts him under arrest]'' You can't arrest me! I'm the mayor!

== Delores ==
* ''[when Liberty founds Chase and needs him to get out of the obedience school; sarcastically]'' Puh-lease! This scrawny, little purse pup is gonna pull a jailbreak?

== Butch ==
* ''[gives Mayor Humdinger his hat to his defeat]'' Here you go, boss.

== Others ==
*'''Kendra Wilson''': ''[gives a speech about the PAW Patrol saved Adventure City]'' Adventure City is our home. It's up to all of us to take care of it. But once in a while, a group of heroes go above and beyond the call of duty. They look out for their neighbors before they look out for themselves. And they're so darn cute, I just want to ''squeeze'' 'em!
*'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[gives a news report about the PAW Patrol's arrival in Adventure City]'' Guardians. Heroes. Cute little dogs and adorable outfits. Whatever you call them, the PAW Patrol were here to save the city from Mayor Humdinger's disastrous fireworks debacle. As a professional journalist, it's important that I remain unbiased. That being said; ''Ooh, yikes!'' An embarrassing start for Mayor Humdinger, but an incredible debut for the PAW Patrol in Adventure City.
*'''Rubble''': ''[Ryder shows the pups a self serving pup-treat dispenser, he sings angelic and make the other pups laugh]'' What? It's a beautiful thing.
*'''Skye''': ''[when Ryder tells her to be careful while she goes to stop the Cloud Catcher with her helicopter]'' Don't worry about me. I can handle a little ''turbulence''.
*'''Marshall''': ''[jumps off the holograms of the city, he throws himself on Rocky and Rubble]'' Next time, ''warn me'' before you stick a building up my nose.
*'''Rocky''': ''[when the others got stuck in traffic, he shouts to the traffic light]'' Green means go! ''Green means go!'' ''[to Marshall]'' Green does still mean go, right?
*'''Zuma''': ''[the pups, Liberty and Ryder gets shocked and sees Mayor Humdinger's tallest skyscraper and the big storm in the sky]'' Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
*'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[at the ceremony for the PAW Patrol, he talks to the Tough Guy]'' Me and the PAW Patrol? We go ''way'' back!

== Dialogue ==
:''[First lines, in the Spin Master Entertainment logo, Marshall the firefighting pup enters onscreen, but he tumbles into the Spin Master logo and the logo spins]''
:'''Marshall''': Whoa! I'm okay.
:''[Chase the police pup appears and uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to stop the logo from spinning, then he words &quot;entertainment&quot; appears, as Marshall and Chase look at the audience]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[sees Gus the truck driver is stuck on the bridge]'' Oh, my. That's not good. That's not good at all. ''[to Gus]'' Good morning there, friend! Looks like you're in a particularly precarious predicament.
:'''Gus''': Call the police! Call the fire department! ''[the truck door fall it open]'' Call everybody!
:'''Cap'n Turbot''': You're in Adventure Bay. ''[shows his phone to Gus]'' Here, we call the PAW Patrol!
:'''Gus''': You're gonna call the who?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ryder''': Chase, it's all up to you. Use the winch in your pup-pack to get the driver and bring him to safety.
:'''Chase''': Chase is on the case! ''[rushes on the bridge to free Gus]'' Arf! Grappling hook!
:''[Chase uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to secures on top on the bridge, he jumps off the bridge, howling and his hook was hanging on top, then he comes down]''
:'''Chase''': Sir, don't be alarmed. I'm coming down!
:'''Gus''': Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! The rescue team is here! ''[sees Chase]'' A ''dog!?''
:'''Chase''': Actually, sir, I'm a puppy.
:'''Gus''': A ''baby dog!?'' That's even worse!
:'''Chase''': You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally. Now, let's get you outta here.
:'''Gus''': No way! I'm waiting right here for a ''real'' rescue. ''[the truck lows even more]'' '''''AAH!!!''''' I changed my mind! ''[grabs Chase]'' I'll go with you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[In Adventure City, a Tough Guy eating a donut and throw his trash on a leg of a dachshund named Liberty]''
:'''Liberty''': Huh? Oh, um. ''[to a Tough Guy]'' Hey, excuse me? You dropped something.
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[frustrated]'' I'm done with it! Buzz off, ''wiener dog.''
:'''Liberty''': ''[angered]'' ''Wiener dog''?! Maybe you should just pick that up and put it in the trash!
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah, or what?
:'''Liberty''': Or I'm going to pick you up and put ''you in the trash!'' ''[the passengers gasp that was said to her]'' Hmph!
:'''Tough Guy''': Hey, I don't want no trouble! ''[picks up the trash]'' I'm picking up the trash. I'm picking up the trash!
:'''Liberty''': ''[praises]'' Thank you. We've all got to take pride in our city. Don't ever forget that. ''[hears the subway speaker]'' This is my stop, it's been a slice. ''[leaves the subway train]''
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[to Liberty]'' I'm gonna turn my life around. I really am.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Back in Adventure Bay, an emergency call in the big screen on the Lookout]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Liberty''': What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
:'''Ryder''': Is there something we can help you with?
:'''Liberty''': ''[agreeing]'' Yes, yes, yes! My name is Liberty, and I'm calling in from Adventure City. Something terrible has happened. Humdinger... was just elected ''mayor''!
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Rubble and Zuma''': ''[shocked]'' '''''HUMDINGER!?!?'''''
:'''Ryder''': He's the worst mayor in the history of mayors!
:'''Rubble''': And that's being generous.
:'''Liberty''': You're telling me, this guy's a disaster! He's going to destroy the whole city! Please, we need your help. Come quickly. ''[ends her call]''
:'''Ryder''': Adventure City's in trouble. Come on pups, pack your things! No city's too big, no pup's too small!
:''[The pups are excited and start howling, but Ryder sees Chase goes into the elevator]''
:'''Ryder''': What's wrong, Chase?
:'''Chase''': I'm not going.
:'''Ryder''': We have to go. They need us.
:'''Chase''': ''[refused]'' I'm ''never'' going back to Adventure City! ''[the elevator brings him down]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[worried]'' Chase...
:'''Marshall''': ''[concerned]'' What's got his leash in a knot?
:'''Ryder''': ''[hesitates]'' Chase has a... ''history'' with Adventure City. He has a lot of tough memories from that place...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Skye''': ''[remarking on the new headquarters]'' How can we afford this place?
:'''Ryder''': ''[holding up a PAW Patrol T-shirt featuring Chase, Marshall and Skye in their original [[w:Guru Studio|Guru Studio]] designs]'' Officially licensed PAW Patrol merchandise. This stuff sells like hot-cakes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Marshall rescue the passengers on the upside-down subway and Skye brings Chase back to the streets]''
:'''Ryder''': Okay, that's all of them. ''[to the pups]'' Good job, pups. ''[sees Chase]'' Chase.
:'''Chase''': I don't know what happened.
:'''Ryder''': I'm just glad you're okay.
:'''Chase''': ''[sadly]'' I'm sorry.
:'''Ryder''': No, it's my fault. I though you'll be okay in Adventure City. But still too much for you.
:'''Chase''': I'll be fine. I, I just need to...
:'''Ryder''': You're not fine. You need to take a break. We'll take care of the recuses for a while.
:'''Chase''': What? No, that's not fair.
:'''Ryder''': I'm sorry, Chase. I know it's hard, but it's the way it's gotta be.
: ''[A heartbroken Chase backs away from Ryder, feeling like he can no longer trust him]''
:'''Chase''': ''[angrily]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything would be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
:'''Ryder''': ''[hurt by Chase's words]'' Chase...
:''[Feeling that Ryder betrayed his trust, Chase runs away out of heartbreak]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[runs after Chase]'' Chase, wait!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The pups, Liberty, and Ryder saw the storm in the sky on the window as they got shocked]''
:'''Zuma''': Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
:''[The lightning scares Rubble, as he screams and hides on Liberty and Skye]''
:'''Skye''': ''[sarcastically]'' Rubble.
:'''Rubble''': What? Lightning is frightening.
:''[An emergency call in the big screen and its ringing]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Kendra Wilson''': What's ''the'' emergency?! The mesoscale convective system is causing exponential thermal lift and catastrophic downbursts at over ''190 knots!''
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Zuma and Liberty''': ''[confused]'' '''''WHAT?!'''''
:'''Rubble''': ''[to Kendra]'' It's a super, bad storm. ''[to the other pups]'' Come on, guys, keep up.
:'''Kendra Wilson''': Finally, ''somebody'' gets me. This is ''not'' a regular storm. It’s being caused by a weather-control device that’s unleashing weeks’ worth of bad weather ''all at once!''
:'''Ryder''': Take cover. We're on our way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[When Marshall and Rocky brings the people to get inside of Humdinger Heights, Rubble is wearing Marty Muckraker's wig]''
:'''Marty Muckraker''': Hey, that's my hair! Where did you find it?
:'''Rubble''': The hair ''found'' me. It was my destiny.
:'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[yanks his wig from Rubble]'' Well, that's ''my'' signature look! ''[puts his wig on his head]'' Buy your own hair.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The Cloud Catcher is destroyed and the skies are clear again and sunny, Skye falls from the air with joy, then she uses her jet-pack to fly to safety, as she landed, the pups are impressed]''
:'''Marshall''': Good job, Skye!
:'''Zuma''': That was totally awesome!
:'''Liberty''': You’re definitely my favorite pup!
:'''Skye''': ''[hopefully]'' I hope Ryder got insurance on my copter.
:''[Skye saw her helicopter was crashed on the ground behind her, Rocky was next, as he looked on it and making her upset]''
:'''Rocky''': That'll buff right out. ''[Skye looked at him in annoyance for he was joking]''
:''[Chase and Ryder comes out of the building and the pups are happy to see them]''
:'''Rubble''': ''[relieved]'' He's okay!
:'''Marshall''': All right!
:''[The other pups tackles Ryder and they licking and hugging him]''
:'''Skye''': ''[to the other male pups]'' Okay, okay, give him some air.
:'''Liberty''': ''[concerned]'' How do you feel?
:'''Ryder''': ''[laughs]'' Covered in drool!
:'''Rubble''': ''[joked]'' I can’t help it, I’m a bulldog! My tongue is ''too'' big for my mouth. See? ''[shows them with his tongue and they started to laugh]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[picks up Chase's hat; to the pups]'' You did good, pups. ''[puts on Chase's hat on his head and he patted him]''
:''[The pups started to howl and they laughed, the citizens are cheering for the PAW Patrol and they come out from Humdinger Heights]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[comes out and trying to escape]'' Time for me to get out of here.
:'''Chase''': ''[angered]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! ''[the PAW Patrol spots Mayor Humdinger, and they started to staring at him]'' You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangerment, and dog-napping.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[to Chase]'' You can’t arrest me! I’m the mayor! ''[laughing and escapes, then his kittens drops them and run away]''
:'''Marshall''': ''[alarmed]'' He's getting away!
:'''Skye''': Arf! Mini-drone! ''[releases her drone in her jet-pack and flies to catch Mayor Humdinger]''
:''[Mayor Humdinger running to escape, but the drone's hook is holding his pants, as it flies on the center by the PAW Patrol and the citizens]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[infuriated]'' Put me down! Nobody makes a fool of Mayor Humdinger five times in the same day!
:''[The hook was on Mayor Humdinger's pants is ripped off and makes him fall, then he shrieks and cover his underpants]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[dismayed]'' Well, this is humiliating.
:'''Butch''': ''[puts Mayor Humdinger's hat to him]'' Here you go, boss.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': That's better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Closing lines, Ryder's phone interrupts his speech and gets a call from Harris and tells him that there is trouble at the waterfront]''
:'''Chase''': ''[to Ryder; along with Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!
:'''Ryder''': ''[to the citizens]'' Sorry, folks. Duty calls.

==Taglines==
* Our fate is in their paws.
* A Nose for Adventure (Chase tagline)
* New Dog, New Tricks (Liberty tagline)
* Can You Dig It? (Rubble tagline)
* She's So Fly (Skye tagline)
* Coming in Hot (Marshall tagline)
* Not Afraid to Get His Paws Dirty (Rocky tagline)
* Diving Into Adventure (Zuma tagline)

==Voice cast==
* [[w:Iain Armitage|Iain Armitage]] - Chase
* Will Brisbin - Ryder
* [[w:Marsai Martin|Marsai Martin]] - Liberty
* [[w:Ron Pardo|Ron Pardo]] - Mayor Humdinger/Cap'n Turbot
* Keegan Hedley - Rubble
* [[w:Lilly Bartlam|Lilly Bartlam]] - Skye
* Kingsley Marshall - Marshall
* Callum Shoniker - Rocky
* Shayle Simons - Zuma
* [[w:Yara Shahidi|Yara Shahidi]] - Kendra Wilson
* [[w:Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West]] - Delores
* [[Randall Park]] - Butch
* [[w:Dax Shepard|Dax Shepard]] - Ruben
* [[Tyler Perry]] - Gus
* [[Jimmy Kimmel]] - Marty Muckraker
* [[w:Kim Roberts (actress)|Kim Roberts]] - Mayor Goodway
* [[w:Paul Braunstein|Paul Braunstein]] - Tough Guy
* Monique Alvarez - Carmen
* [[w:Jamillah Ross|Jamillah Ross]] - Camerawoman
* [[w:Josh Robert Thompson|Josh Robert Thompson]] - Technician
* Josh Graham - Computer Voice
* [[w:Neil Crone|Neil Crone]] - Tony
* [[w:Joe Pingue|Joe Pingue]] - Barney
* Charlie Gallant - Harris
* Richard Binsley - Rocket
* [[w:Raoul Bhaneja |Raoul Bhaneja]] - Man
* [[w:Saara Chaudry|Saara Chaudry]] - Girl
* Kevin Duhaney - Window Washer
* Eva Olivia - Kitten Catastrophe Crew/Chickaletta

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
[[Category:PAW Patrol]]
[[Category:2021 films]]
[[Category:Canadian films]]
[[Category:2020s American animated films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Animated films about dogs]]
[[Category:Films about children]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated action films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Nickelodeon films]]
[[Category:Films based on animated television series]]</text>
      <sha1>7nojdka93t2misey1b6aabq0nr2fuzm</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3148018</id>
      <parentid>3148017</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T05:28:50Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>112.203.220.63</ip>
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      <comment>/* Dialogue */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="20645" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title|bottom|2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film adaption of the television series directed by Cal Brunker}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
'''''{{w|PAW Patrol: The Movie}}''''' is a 2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] produced by {{w|Nickelodeon Movies}} and distributed by {{w|Paramount Pictures}}. The film stars the voices of {{w|Iain Armitage}}, {{w|Marsai Martin}}, {{w|Ron Pardo}}, {{w|Yara Shahidi}}, {{w|Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West}}, [[Randall Park]], {{w|Dax Shepard}}, with [[Tyler Perry]], and [[Jimmy Kimmel]], introducing {{w|Will Brisbin}}. In the film, Ryder and the pups are called to Adventure City to stop the corrupt rival Mayor Humdinger from turning the bustling metropolis into a state of chaos to face the challenge in order to save the citizens of Adventure City.

:''Directed by [[w:Cal Brunker|Cal Brunker]] and written by [[w:Billy Frolick|Billy Frolick]] and [[w:Bob Barlen|Bob Barlen]]. Based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] by {{w|Keith Chapman}}.''

{{center|'''Our fate is in their paws.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Chase ==
* ''[when facing his fear to his situation]'' I can do this...
* ''[to Gus]'' You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally.
* ''[to Ryder that he and his friends are going to Adventure City]'' I'm afraid if I go back there, everyone will see I'm still that scared little puppy, and not the hero they think I am.
* ''[when his friends are amazed and he gets terrified as they arrived Adventure City]'' It's a lot... ''bigger'' than I remember.
* ''[first ride with his new rocket-powered police cruiser]'' Oh, I could get used to this!
* ''[sees the citizens trapped in the City Hall balcony on fire]'' Ryder, we've got people trapped on the balcony! I'm going in!
* ''[after Ryder checks him and tells him that he fails his first mission]'' I can't believe I forgot to disconnect my parachute. It's Air Rescue 101.
* ''[backs away from Ryder]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything will be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
* ''[after Ryder tells him about his backstory, then he asks him to go to work and he agrees]'' Ready for action, Ryder, sir.
* ''[Ryder gives him a nice catch by a flying car]'' You can count on me, Ryder.
* ''[driving to save Ryder with his motorcycle]'' I'm coming, Ryder!
* ''[when Mayor Humdinger tries to escape with his kittens, and he catches him]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangerment, and dog-napping.
* ''[when Ryder receives a call from Harris, he is with Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!

== Liberty ==
* ''[first call when she is a big fan of the PAW Patrol]'' What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
* ''[running and escapes with the unstable fireworks]'' '''''THIS IS WHY DOGS HATE FIREWORKS!!!'''''
* ''[the PAW Patrol reached and arrived at the City Hall]'' You have reached your destination.
* ''[the photographers are taking pictures to Chase's friends, then she enters and talks to them]'' Hey, hey! Anyone want a picture with me? I'm kind of like an honorary member of the PAW Patrol. You should have seen me out there. I was like, &quot;Turn left, turn right, turn left, turn right!&quot; It was amazing!
* ''[Butch and Ruben caught and thrown her in the van, then she pretends to be captured]'' '''''OH, NO! PLEASE! LET ME GO!!!''''' Don't take me to exactly the same place you took the other dogs, in this white van! License plate number YVP 8624!
* ''[to Delores for embarrassment]'' You talk a lot of trash for a dog that looks like a toilet brush.
* ''[encouraging Chase]'' So? Who cares if you're scared? Heroes get scared all the time. ''['''Chase''': They do?]'' Of course they do. But even through they're scared, they push through and keep going. That's what make them heroes.
* ''[surprising Chase that the wall is wrecked and revealed to be Rubble]'' I brought ''backup''!
* ''[Ryder surprising her to a rocket-powered scooter; calmly]'' Okay, Liberty. Play it cool, play it cool. ''[then she gets excitedly]'' '''''AAH!!! THIS IS AMAZING! IT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!''''' I've never been so happy! It's like my whole life has been building towards this moment! All of my dreams have come true! ''[faints]'' It's so amazing!
* ''[Ryder gives her own pup-tag after they saved Adventure City and she becomes official member of the PAW Patrol]'' I'm official! Hey! Check me out! I'm officially official! Official member of the PAW Patrol, right here!

== Mayor Humdinger ==
* ''[when his top hat is flew away or it gets destroyed]'' My top hat!
* You know, they call this place Adventure City, but what’s so adventure-y about it? The truth is, it’s ''boring''. Libraries? ''[drops the library]'' Boring! Museums? ''[drops the museum]'' Boring! Cute little dog parks? ''[the citizens in awe; sarcastically]'' Ugh, definitely boring! ''[taunting Liberty]'' But don’t worry, I’m gonna put the adventure back in Adventure City! When I’m done with this place, you won’t even recognize it.
* ''[to Butch and Ruben to get rid of the PAW Patrol for necessary]'' I want the PAW Patrol off the streets now! Find them, catch them, and lock them away.
* ''[after Chase puts him under arrest]'' You can't arrest me! I'm the mayor!

== Delores ==
* ''[when Liberty founds Chase and needs him to get out of the obedience school; sarcastically]'' Puh-lease! This scrawny, little purse pup is gonna pull a jailbreak?

== Butch ==
* ''[gives Mayor Humdinger his hat to his defeat]'' Here you go, boss.

== Others ==
*'''Kendra Wilson''': ''[gives a speech about the PAW Patrol saved Adventure City]'' Adventure City is our home. It's up to all of us to take care of it. But once in a while, a group of heroes go above and beyond the call of duty. They look out for their neighbors before they look out for themselves. And they're so darn cute, I just want to ''squeeze'' 'em!
*'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[gives a news report about the PAW Patrol's arrival in Adventure City]'' Guardians. Heroes. Cute little dogs and adorable outfits. Whatever you call them, the PAW Patrol were here to save the city from Mayor Humdinger's disastrous fireworks debacle. As a professional journalist, it's important that I remain unbiased. That being said; ''Ooh, yikes!'' An embarrassing start for Mayor Humdinger, but an incredible debut for the PAW Patrol in Adventure City.
*'''Rubble''': ''[Ryder shows the pups a self serving pup-treat dispenser, he sings angelic and make the other pups laugh]'' What? It's a beautiful thing.
*'''Skye''': ''[when Ryder tells her to be careful while she goes to stop the Cloud Catcher with her helicopter]'' Don't worry about me. I can handle a little ''turbulence''.
*'''Marshall''': ''[jumps off the holograms of the city, he throws himself on Rocky and Rubble]'' Next time, ''warn me'' before you stick a building up my nose.
*'''Rocky''': ''[when the others got stuck in traffic, he shouts to the traffic light]'' Green means go! ''Green means go!'' ''[to Marshall]'' Green does still mean go, right?
*'''Zuma''': ''[the pups, Liberty and Ryder gets shocked and sees Mayor Humdinger's tallest skyscraper and the big storm in the sky]'' Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
*'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[at the ceremony for the PAW Patrol, he talks to the Tough Guy]'' Me and the PAW Patrol? We go ''way'' back!

== Dialogue ==
:''[First lines, in the Spin Master Entertainment logo, Marshall the firefighting pup enters onscreen, but he tumbles into the Spin Master logo and the logo spins]''
:'''Marshall''': Whoa! I'm okay.
:''[Chase the police pup appears and uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to stop the logo from spinning, then he words &quot;entertainment&quot; appears, as Marshall and Chase look at the audience]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[sees Gus the truck driver is stuck on the bridge]'' Oh, my. That's not good. That's not good at all. ''[to Gus]'' Good morning there, friend! Looks like you're in a particularly precarious predicament.
:'''Gus''': Call the police! Call the fire department! ''[the truck door fall it open]'' Call everybody!
:'''Cap'n Turbot''': You're in Adventure Bay. ''[shows his phone to Gus]'' Here, we call the PAW Patrol!
:'''Gus''': You're gonna call the who?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ryder''': Chase, it's all up to you. Use the winch in your pup-pack to get the driver and bring him to safety.
:'''Chase''': Chase is on the case! ''[rushes on the bridge to free Gus]'' Arf! Grappling hook!
:''[Chase uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to secures on top on the bridge, he jumps off the bridge, howling and his hook was hanging on top, then he comes down]''
:'''Chase''': Sir, don't be alarmed. I'm coming down!
:'''Gus''': Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! The rescue team is here! ''[sees Chase]'' A ''dog!?''
:'''Chase''': Actually, sir, I'm a puppy.
:'''Gus''': A ''baby dog!?'' That's even worse!
:'''Chase''': You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally. Now, let's get you outta here.
:'''Gus''': No way! I'm waiting right here for a ''real'' rescue. ''[the truck lows even more]'' '''''AAH!!!''''' I changed my mind! ''[grabs Chase]'' I'll go with you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[In Adventure City, a Tough Guy eating a donut and throw his trash on a leg of a dachshund named Liberty]''
:'''Liberty''': Huh? Oh, um. ''[to a Tough Guy]'' Hey, excuse me? You dropped something.
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[frustrated]'' I'm done with it! Buzz off, ''wiener dog.''
:'''Liberty''': ''[angered]'' ''Wiener dog''?! Maybe you should just pick that up and put it in the trash!
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah, or what?
:'''Liberty''': Or I'm going to pick you up and put ''you in the trash!'' ''[the passengers gasp that was said to her]'' Hmph!
:'''Tough Guy''': Hey, I don't want no trouble! ''[picks up the trash]'' I'm picking up the trash. I'm picking up the trash!
:'''Liberty''': ''[praises]'' Thank you. We've all got to take pride in our city. Don't ever forget that. ''[hears the subway speaker]'' This is my stop, it's been a slice. ''[leaves the subway train]''
:'''Tough Guy''': ''[to Liberty]'' I'm gonna turn my life around. I really am.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Back in Adventure Bay, an emergency call in the big screen on the Lookout]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Liberty''': What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''!
:'''Ryder''': Is there something we can help you with?
:'''Liberty''': ''[agreeing]'' Yes, yes, yes! My name is Liberty, and I'm calling in from Adventure City. Something terrible has happened. Humdinger... was just elected ''mayor''!
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Rubble and Zuma''': ''[shocked]'' '''''HUMDINGER!?!?'''''
:'''Ryder''': He's the worst mayor in the history of mayors!
:'''Rubble''': And that's being generous.
:'''Liberty''': You're telling me, this guy's a disaster! He's going to destroy the whole city! Please, we need your help. Come quickly. ''[ends her call]''
:'''Ryder''': Adventure City's in trouble. Come on pups, pack your things! No city's too big, no pup's too small!
:''[The pups are excited and start howling, but Ryder sees Chase goes into the elevator]''
:'''Ryder''': What's wrong, Chase?
:'''Chase''': I'm not going.
:'''Ryder''': We have to go. They need us.
:'''Chase''': ''[refused]'' I'm ''never'' going back to Adventure City! ''[the elevator brings him down]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[worried]'' Chase...
:'''Marshall''': ''[concerned]'' What's got his leash in a knot?
:'''Ryder''': ''[hesitates]'' Chase has a... ''history'' with Adventure City. He has a lot of tough memories from that place...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Skye''': ''[remarking on the new headquarters]'' How can we afford this place?
:'''Ryder''': ''[holding up a PAW Patrol T-shirt featuring Chase, Marshall and Skye in their original [[w:Guru Studio|Guru Studio]] designs]'' Officially licensed PAW Patrol merchandise. This stuff sells like hot-cakes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Marshall rescue the passengers on the upside-down subway and Skye brings Chase back to the streets]''
:'''Ryder''': Okay, that's all of them. ''[to the pups]'' Good job, pups. ''[sees Chase]'' Chase.
:'''Chase''': I don't know what happened.
:'''Ryder''': I'm just glad you're okay.
:'''Chase''': ''[sadly]'' I'm sorry.
:'''Ryder''': No, it's my fault. I though you'll be okay in Adventure City. But still too much for you.
:'''Chase''': I'll be fine. I, I just need to...
:'''Ryder''': You're not fine. You need to take a break. We'll take care of the recuses for a while.
:'''Chase''': What? No, that's not fair.
:'''Ryder''': I'm sorry, Chase. I know it's hard, but it's the way it's gotta be.
: ''[A heartbroken Chase backs away from Ryder, feeling like he can no longer trust him]''
:'''Chase''': ''[angrily]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything would be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?!
:'''Ryder''': ''[hurt by Chase's words]'' Chase...
:''[Feeling that Ryder betrayed his trust, Chase runs away out of heartbreak]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[runs after Chase]'' Chase, wait!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The pups, Liberty, and Ryder saw the storm in the sky on the window as they got shocked]''
:'''Zuma''': Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''.
:''[The lightning scares Rubble, as he screams and hides on Liberty and Skye]''
:'''Skye''': ''[sarcastically]'' Rubble.
:'''Rubble''': What? Lightning is frightening.
:''[An emergency call in the big screen and its ringing]''
:'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency?
:'''Kendra Wilson''': What's ''the'' emergency?! The mesoscale convective system is causing exponential thermal lift and catastrophic downbursts at over ''190 knots!''
:'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Zuma and Liberty''': ''[confused]'' '''''WHAT?!'''''
:'''Rubble''': ''[to Kendra]'' It's a super, bad storm. ''[to the other pups]'' Come on, guys, keep up.
:'''Kendra Wilson''': Finally, ''somebody'' gets me. This is ''not'' a regular storm. It’s being caused by a weather-control device that’s unleashing weeks’ worth of bad weather ''all at once!''
:'''Ryder''': Take cover. We're on our way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[When Marshall and Rocky brings the people to get inside of Humdinger Heights, Rubble is wearing Marty Muckraker's wig]''
:'''Marty Muckraker''': Hey, that's my hair! Where did you find it?
:'''Rubble''': The hair ''found'' me. It was my destiny.
:'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[yanks his wig from Rubble]'' Well, that's ''my'' signature look! ''[puts his wig on his head]'' Buy your own hair.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The Cloud Catcher is destroyed and the skies are clear again and sunny, Skye falls from the air with joy, then she uses her jet-pack to fly to safety, as she landed, the pups are impressed]''
:'''Marshall''': Good job, Skye!
:'''Zuma''': That was totally awesome!
:'''Liberty''': You’re definitely my favorite pup!
:'''Skye''': ''[hopefully]'' I hope Ryder got insurance on my copter.
:''[Skye saw her helicopter was crashed on the ground behind her, Rocky was next, as he looked on it and making her upset]''
:'''Rocky''': That'll buff right out. ''[Skye looked at him in annoyance for he was joking]''
:''[Chase and Ryder comes out of the building and the pups are happy to see them]''
:'''Rubble''': ''[relieved]'' He's okay!
:'''Marshall''': All right!
:''[The other pups tackles Ryder and they licking and hugging him]''
:'''Skye''': ''[to the other male pups]'' Okay, okay, give him some air.
:'''Liberty''': ''[concerned]'' How do you feel?
:'''Ryder''': ''[laughs]'' Covered in drool!
:'''Rubble''': ''[joked]'' I can’t help it, I’m a ''bulldog''! My tongue is ''too'' big for my mouth. See? ''[shows them with his tongue and they started to laugh]''
:'''Ryder''': ''[picks up Chase's hat; to the pups]'' You did good, pups. ''[puts on Chase's hat on his head and he patted him]''
:''[The pups started to howl and they laughed, the citizens are cheering for the PAW Patrol and they come out from Humdinger Heights]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[comes out and trying to escape]'' Time for me to get out of here.
:'''Chase''': ''[angered]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! ''[the PAW Patrol spots Mayor Humdinger, and they started to staring at him]'' You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangerment, and dog-napping.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[to Chase]'' You can’t arrest me! I’m the mayor! ''[laughing and escapes, then his kittens drops them and run away]''
:'''Marshall''': ''[alarmed]'' He's getting away!
:'''Skye''': Arf! Mini-drone! ''[releases her drone in her jet-pack and flies to catch Mayor Humdinger]''
:''[Mayor Humdinger running to escape, but the drone's hook is holding his pants, as it flies on the center by the PAW Patrol and the citizens]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[infuriated]'' Put me down! Nobody makes a fool of Mayor Humdinger five times in the same day!
:''[The hook was on Mayor Humdinger's pants is ripped off and makes him fall, then he shrieks and cover his underpants]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[dismayed]'' Well, this is humiliating.
:'''Butch''': ''[puts Mayor Humdinger's hat to him]'' Here you go, boss.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': That's better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Closing lines, Ryder's phone interrupts his speech and gets a call from Harris and tells him that there is trouble at the waterfront]''
:'''Chase''': ''[to Ryder; along with Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!
:'''Ryder''': ''[to the citizens]'' Sorry, folks. Duty calls.

==Taglines==
* Our fate is in their paws.
* A Nose for Adventure (Chase tagline)
* New Dog, New Tricks (Liberty tagline)
* Can You Dig It? (Rubble tagline)
* She's So Fly (Skye tagline)
* Coming in Hot (Marshall tagline)
* Not Afraid to Get His Paws Dirty (Rocky tagline)
* Diving Into Adventure (Zuma tagline)

==Voice cast==
* [[w:Iain Armitage|Iain Armitage]] - Chase
* Will Brisbin - Ryder
* [[w:Marsai Martin|Marsai Martin]] - Liberty
* [[w:Ron Pardo|Ron Pardo]] - Mayor Humdinger/Cap'n Turbot
* Keegan Hedley - Rubble
* [[w:Lilly Bartlam|Lilly Bartlam]] - Skye
* Kingsley Marshall - Marshall
* Callum Shoniker - Rocky
* Shayle Simons - Zuma
* [[w:Yara Shahidi|Yara Shahidi]] - Kendra Wilson
* [[w:Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian West]] - Delores
* [[Randall Park]] - Butch
* [[w:Dax Shepard|Dax Shepard]] - Ruben
* [[Tyler Perry]] - Gus
* [[Jimmy Kimmel]] - Marty Muckraker
* [[w:Kim Roberts (actress)|Kim Roberts]] - Mayor Goodway
* [[w:Paul Braunstein|Paul Braunstein]] - Tough Guy
* Monique Alvarez - Carmen
* [[w:Jamillah Ross|Jamillah Ross]] - Camerawoman
* [[w:Josh Robert Thompson|Josh Robert Thompson]] - Technician
* Josh Graham - Computer Voice
* [[w:Neil Crone|Neil Crone]] - Tony
* [[w:Joe Pingue|Joe Pingue]] - Barney
* Charlie Gallant - Harris
* Richard Binsley - Rocket
* [[w:Raoul Bhaneja |Raoul Bhaneja]] - Man
* [[w:Saara Chaudry|Saara Chaudry]] - Girl
* Kevin Duhaney - Window Washer
* Eva Olivia - Kitten Catastrophe Crew/Chickaletta

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
[[Category:PAW Patrol]]
[[Category:2021 films]]
[[Category:Canadian films]]
[[Category:2020s American animated films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Animated films about dogs]]
[[Category:Films about children]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated action films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Nickelodeon films]]
[[Category:Films based on animated television series]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>PAW Patrol</title>
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'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
'''''[[w:PAW Patrol|PAW Patrol]]''''' is a Canadian computer-animated children's television series created by [[w:Keith Chapman|Keith Chapman]]. It is produced by [[w:Spin Master Entertainment|Spin Master Entertainment]], with animation provided by [[w:Guru Studio|Guru Studio]]. In Canada, the series is primarily broadcast on [[w:TVOKids|TVOKids]], which first ran previews of the show in August 2013. The series premiered on [[w:Nickelodeon|Nickelodeon]] in the United States on August 12, 2013.

==Repeated lines==
===Ryder===
* No job is too big, no pup is too small!
* PAW Patrol, to the Lookout!
* Alright! PAW Patrol is on a roll!
* Whenever you're in trouble, just yelp for help!
* You're all such good pups.
* What good pups!

===Chase===
* PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir!
* Chase is on the case!
* These paws uphold the laws!

===Marshall===
* I'm fired up!
* I'm ready for a ruff-ruff rescue!
* ''[when causing a humorous mishap due to his clumsiness]'' ''WHOAAAAAAAAAAA!!!''

===Skye===
* Let's take to the sky!
* This puppy's gotta fly!

===Rocky===
* Green means go!
* Don't lose it, reuse it!
* ''[when he gets splashed or sprayed due to his aquaphobia]'' ''NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!''

===Rubble===
* Rubble on the double!
* Let's dig it!

===Zuma===
* Let's dive in!
* Ready, set, get wet!
* Awesome!

===Everest===
* Ice or snow, I'm ready to go!
* Off the trail, Everest won't fail!

===Tracker===
* I'm all ears! ''¡Soy todo oidos!''
* ''[when facing a usually daunting situation]'' ''Oi, oi, oi...''

===Others===
*'''Cap'n Turbot''': This Cap'n can do!
*'''Francois Turbot''': Look at me!
*'''Mayor Goodway''': ''[Chickaletta is on top of the City Hall when she getting scared]'' My poor purse pet!
*'''Daring Danny X''': ''[when someone refers to him as simply &quot;Danny&quot; or &quot;Daring Danny&quot;]'' That's Daring Danny X!

==Seasons==
:'''[[PAW Patrol (season 1)|Season 1]]''' (2013-2014)
:'''[[PAW Patrol (season 2)|Season 2]]''' (2014-2015)
:'''[[PAW Patrol (season 3)|Season 3]]''' (2015-2017)
:'''[[PAW Patrol (season 4)|Season 4]]''' (2017-2018)
:'''[[PAW Patrol (season 5)|Season 5]]''' (2018-2019)
:'''[[PAW Patrol (season 6)|Season 6]]''' (2019-2021)
:'''[[PAW Patrol (season 7)|Season 7]]''' (2020-2021)
:'''[[PAW Patrol (season 8)|Season 8]]''' (2021-2022)

==Specials==
:'''[[PAW Patrol (specials)|Special Episodes]]''' (2018-2020)

==Movies==
:'''[[PAW Patrol: The Movie]]''' (2021)

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
[[Category:2010s Canadian animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Canadian children's animated action TV shows]]
[[Category:Canadian children's animated adventure TV shows]]
[[Category:Canadian children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Canadian children's animated fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about dogs]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about children]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Abortion in the United States</title>
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      <comment>([[c:GR|GR]]) [[c:COM:FR|File renamed]]: [[File:Abortion availability in the US by fetal gestational age.svg]] → [[File:Gestational limits for elective abortion in the United States.svg]] more descriptive title</comment>
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      <text bytes="1235308" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Gestational limits for elective abortion in the United States.svg|thumb|Abortion availability in the US by fetal gestational age. Black: illegal. Grey: legal but not available. Red: illegal after approx. 6 weeks gestational age (3 weeks from implantation). Purple/violet: limit in 2nd trimester, but more stringent than under Roe. Blues: similar limits as during Roe. Green: 3rd-trimester limit. Light green: no trimester limit.]]
[[File:Map_of_US_abortion_laws_pre-1973.svg|thumb|Elective abortion laws in the US before Roe. Blue: legal. Black: illegal under all circumstances. Red: legal only to save woman's life. Yellow: illegal with medical/rape exceptions. Orange: illegal with exception for mother's health. Brown: illegal with exception for rape.]]
[[Abortion]] is legal throughout the [[United States]] and its territories, although restrictions and accessibility vary from state to state. Abortion is a controversial and divisive issue in the society, culture and politics of the U.S., and various [[w:Abortion law|anti-abortion laws]] have been in force in each state since at least 1900. 

==Quotes==
[[File:International_Criminal_Court_logo.svg|thumb|In a brief to the [[United States Supreme Court|supreme court]], the [[United Nations]] special rapporteur on the right to health warned that overturning [[Roe v Wade]] and banning or criminalizing abortion would be “irreconcilable” with international [[human rights]] [[laws]]. ~ Jessica Glenza]]
* Kawana Ashley, an unwed, pregnant teenager, had reasons for wanting to terminate her pregnancy. Unfortunately for Ashely, she was twenty-five weeks pregnant and could no longer obtain a legal abortion because the fetus was viable. So, on March 27, 1994, she obtained a gun and shot herself across the abdomen in an attempt to terminate her pregnancy. Ashely was rushed to the hospital and survived her self-inflicted gunshot wound. Her fetus, however, had been struck by the bullet and died fifteen days later. Ashley was prosecuted for manslaughter and third-degree murder, but the Florida Supreme Court held that a pregnant woman cannot be charged with these crimes for self-aborting. The court held that, under Florida law, Ashley could self-abort at any time during her pregnancy, even when the fetus was viable.
** Alford, Suzanne M. (2003). [https://www.jstor.org/stable/1373127 &quot;Is Self-Abortion a Fundamental Right?&quot;]. Duke Law Journal. 52 (5): 1011–29. JSTOR 1373127. PMID 12964572. Archived from the original on January 22, 2019. Retrieved January 21, 2007. 

* Americans without any religious affiliation registered stronger opposition in the poll than people of specific faiths to abortion restrictions (72 percent) and stronger support than people of specific faiths for government action to shield people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender from discrimination (83 percent). 
** AP (January 2, 2020). [https://www.nbcnews.com/feature/nbc-out/white-evangelicals-distinct-lgbtq-rights-abortion-n1109446 &quot;White evangelicals distinct on LGBTQ rights, abortion&quot;]. ''NBC News''. Retrieved May 15, 2020. 

* Evidence abounds that a high proportion of women become pregnant unintentionally, in both developed and developing countries. In the United States and in some Eastern European countries for which data are available, about one-half to three-fifths of all pregnancies are unintended, and a large proportion of these are resolved through abortion. 
** Bankole; et al. (1998). &quot;Reasons Why Women Have Induced Abortions: Evidence from 27 Countries&quot;. International Family Planning Perspectives. 24 (3): 117–27, 152. doi:10.2307/3038208. JSTOR 3038208. [https://web.archive.org/web/20060117191716/http:/www.guttmacher.org/pubs/journals/2411798.html Archived] from the original on 17 January 2006.

* [[Contraceptive]] use does not necessarily provide complete protection against pregnancy; each method can fail, even when it is used perfectly. U.S. data from the late 1980s, for example, show that the estimated first-year failure rate for the pill is 8%, while that for the condom is 15%. (Failure rates for less effective methods, such as periodic abstinence, are even higher—e.g., 26%.).
** Bankole; et al. (1998). &quot;Reasons Why Women Have Induced Abortions: Evidence from 27 Countries&quot;. International Family Planning Perspectives. 24 (3): 117–27, 152. doi:10.2307/3038208. JSTOR 3038208. [https://web.archive.org/web/20060117191716/http:/www.guttmacher.org/pubs/journals/2411798.html Archived] from the original on 17 January 2006.

* Results: During 1988-1997, the overall death rate for women obtaining legally induced abortions was 0.7 per 100000 legal induced abortions. The risk of death increased exponentially by 38% for each additional week of gestation. Compared with women whose abortions were performed at or before 8 weeks of gestation, women whose abortions were performed in the second trimester were significantly more likely to die of abortion-related causes. The relative risk (unadjusted) of abortion-related mortality was 14.7 at 13-15 weeks of gestation (95% confidence interval [CI] 6.2, 34.7), 29.5 at 16-20 weeks (95% CI 12.9, 67.4), and 76.6 at or after 21 weeks (95% CI 32.5, 180.8). Up to 87% of deaths in women who chose to terminate their pregnancies after 8 weeks of gestation may have been avoidable if these women had accessed abortion services before 8 weeks of gestation.  &lt;br&gt; Conclusion: Although primary prevention of unintended pregnancy is optimal, among women who choose to terminate their pregnancies, increased access to surgical and nonsurgical abortion services may increase the proportion of abortions performed at lower-risk, early gestational ages and help further decrease deaths. 
** Bartlett, Linda A. (April 2004). [https://journals.lww.com/co-obgyn/Abstract/2017/12000/Update_on_second_trimester_medical_abortion.9.aspx &quot;Risk Factors for Legal Induced Abortion–Related Mortality in the United States&quot;]. ''Obstetrics &amp; Gynecology''. 103 (4): 729–737. doi:10.1097/01.AOG.0000116260.81570.60. PMID 15051566. S2CID 42597014. 

* Calling the abortion polling numbers &quot;stark,&quot; Benz noted that conventional wisdom holds that abortion is a motivating issue for [[Republicans]] and not for [[Democrats]]. Research from the 1980s and 1990s, Benz said, &quot;regularly found that opponents of abortion had greater [[strength]] of [[attitudes]] and considered the issue important to them personally more than pro-choice people.&quot; 
** Jennifer Benz as quoted in [https://www.npr.org/2022/01/13/1072671395/abortion-rights-jumps-to-a-top-priority-for-democrats-in-new-poll “Abortion rights jump to a top priority for Democrats in a new poll”], ''The Associated Press'', ''NPR'', (January 13, 2022)

* Upon learning of the negative side effects of Thalidomide Sherri Finkbine decided she wanted to have an abortion rather than risk having a severely deformed fetus. The Finkbines scheduled an abortion at the hospital though her physician warned her that they were in murky legal territory as the state of Arizona only allowed therapeutic abortions at that time and there was no reason to believe that the pregnancy posed a threat to Sherri Finkbine's health. &lt;br&gt; Sherri Finkbine contacted a friend at the Arizona Republic to tell her story so that other women who had taken or were taking Thalidomide might be made aware of the legal and ethical obstacles they potentially faced. The reporter promised Sherri Finkbine that her anonymity would be protected but because of her celebrity as a children's show host the newspaper decided to use her name.  &lt;br&gt; The hospital where Finkbine planned to have the abortion did not want to risk prosecution, and when the district attorney threatened to prosecute the institution and the staff members who participated in the procedure, the hospital cancelled the surgery. The Finkbine's physician requested a court order to proceed with the abortion, arguing that it was therapeutic, but it was denied. Judge Yale McFate ruled to dismiss the physician's request because he felt he couldn't exercise authority in this matter.  &lt;br&gt; The media coverage of this ordeal made Sherri Finkbine, already a minor celebrity, a major name in the news. The Finkbines began to receive death threats and the FBI had to step in to offer them protection. Bob Finkbine was suspended from his job as a high school teacher and Sherri was fired from her job as the host of &quot;Romper Room&quot;. 
** Braun, Whitny (December 29, 2015). [https://www.huffpost.com/entry/thalidomide-the-connectio_b_8881702 &quot;Thalidomide: The Connection Between a Statue in Trafalgar Square, a 1960s Children's Show Host and the Abortion Debate&quot;]. Huffington Post. Retrieved December 2, 2017. 

* The US Supreme Court has struck down a 2013 Texas abortion law that imposed restrictive regulations on the procedure. &lt;br&gt; The law requires doctors who perform abortions to have admitting privileges at nearby hospitals and clinics to maintain hospital-like conditions. &lt;br&gt; Republicans contended the law protects women while advocates argued the measure restricts access to abortions.  &lt;br&gt; The key decision is the first major abortion ruling since 2007. &lt;br&gt; Justice Anthony Kennedy sided with the court's liberals in the 5-3 decision, which marked the first time the High Court has limited state abortion legislation in more than 15 years. 
** [https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-36641063 &quot;Strict Texas abortion law struck down&quot;]. BBC News. June 27, 2016. 

* &quot;By striking down politically motivated restrictions that made it nearly impossible for Texans to exercise their full reproductive rights, the court upheld every woman's right to safe, legal abortion, no matter where she lives,&quot; Democratic presumptive nominee Hillary Clinton said in a statement after the ruling.  &lt;br&gt; But Russell Moore, president of the Ethics &amp; Religious Liberty Commission of the Southern Baptist Convention, said the decision came &quot;at the expense of children, women, and families&quot;. &lt;br&gt; &quot;Keeping abortion providers accountable should not be a political wedge issue. This ruling is further proof how much more work the pro-life movement has to do in the cause of life and human dignity.&quot; he said. 
** [https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-36641063 &quot;Strict Texas abortion law struck down&quot;]. BBC News. June 27, 2016. 

*This note focuses on the issue of the state's application of the criminal law as a sanction against women who choose to have abortions. History reveals that pre-Roe criminal-abortion law-both by its terms and in its application-expressed an incoherent attitude toward the culpability of these women. While criminal-abortion laws treated the abortionist as a serious felon, sending him to prison for up to twenty years,' the same statutes either did not cover the woman seeking an abortion, or, if the statutes did deem her a criminal, prosecutors and courts refused or neglected to hold her liable criminally. The law instead cast women as victims of the criminal conduct of others and sometimes, paradoxically, of themselves. 
**  Buell, Samuel (1991). [https://scholarship.law.duke.edu/faculty_scholarship/2174/ &quot;Criminal Abortion Revisited&quot;]. New York University Law Review. 66:1774 (6): 1774–831.– via duke.edu. 

* The bill allows women to get abortions after 24 weeks if their life or health is threatened by the pregnancy in addition to permitting women to have an abortion at any time if the fetus is not viable, according to syracuse.com. &lt;br&gt; The law also regulates abortion under public health law, rather than criminal law, and allows licensed nurse practitioners, physician assistants and licensed midwives to conduct abortions, syracuse.com reported.
**  Burke, Michael (January 22, 2019). [https://thehill.com/homenews/state-watch/426533-new-york-passes-bill-expanding-abortion-access/ &quot;New York passes bill expanding abortion access&quot;]. TheHill

* In a statement, Cuomo praised the passage of the legislation, calling it a “giant step forward.” &lt;br&gt; “Today we are taking a giant step forward in the hard-fought battle to ensure a woman’s right to make her own decisions about her own personal health, including the ability to access an abortion,” he said. &lt;br&gt; “With the signing of this bill, we are sending a clear message that whatever happens in Washington, women in New York will always have the fundamental right to control their own body,” he added.
**  Burke, Michael (January 22, 2019). [https://thehill.com/homenews/state-watch/426533-new-york-passes-bill-expanding-abortion-access/ &quot;New York passes bill expanding abortion access&quot;]. TheHill

* The US abortion rate is at an all-time low. &lt;br&gt; While the dip is partially due to more women using more effective, long-term birth control, like IUDs, it's also because there are fewer abortion clinics in the United States than there were a decade ago. &lt;br&gt; In 2008, 851 clinics provided abortions across the US. By 2014, the number had dropped to 788, a 7% decrease. And the stats get even slimmer when you look at state-by-state totals. Five states are down to a single abortion clinic.
** ''Business Insider'', (February 10, 2017). [https://www.businessinsider.com/how-many-abortion-clinics-are-in-america-each-state-2017-2 &quot;Here's how many abortion clinics are in each state&quot;

* Twenty-five states have enacted Targeted Restrictions on Abortion Providers —or TRAP — laws imposing strict requirements on abortion clinics and providers that the Guttmacher Institute, a reproductive rights research group, says &quot;go beyond what is necessary to ensure patients’ safety.&quot; Reproductive rights activists also call them &quot;clinic shutdown laws,&quot; because they say the laws are often written with the intent of closing abortion clinics in the state.
** ''Business Insider'',  (February 10, 2017). [https://www.businessinsider.com/how-many-abortion-clinics-are-in-america-each-state-2017-2 &quot;Here's how many abortion clinics are in each state&quot;]

* A TRAP law was at the heart of a major case decided by the Supreme Court in 2015, Whole Woman's Health v. Hellerstedt. The law in question required abortion clinics in Texas to meet strict standards, from the exact size of the examination rooms to admission privileges doctors had to secure for admitting patients to local hospitals. &lt;br&gt; In June, SCOTUS ruled in a 5-3 decision that the law &quot;provides few, if any, health benefits for women, poses a substantial obstacle to women seeking abortions, and constitutes an 'undue burden' on their constitutional right to do so.&quot; &lt;br&gt; But similar laws are still on the books in half of the states in the country, and can cause clinics to close, forcing women who need abortions to travel farther in order to get the care they need. After Texas' law went into effect in 2013, the number of clinics providing abortions in the state dropped in half, from 41 to 22.
** ''Business Insider'', (February 10, 2017). [https://www.businessinsider.com/how-many-abortion-clinics-are-in-america-each-state-2017-2 &quot;Here's how many abortion clinics are in each state&quot;]

* Death from illegal abortion was once common in the United States. In the 1940s, more than 1,0000 women died each year of complications from abortion. In 1972, 24 women died of complication of legal abortion and 39 died from known illegal abortions. In 2000, the last year for which complete data are available, there were 11 deaths from legally induced abortion, and no deaths from illegal abortion (abortion induced by a nonprofessional) in the entire United States. The American Medical Associations Council on Scientific affairs has reviewed the impact of legal abortion and attributes the decline in deaths during the country to the introduction of antibiotics to treat sepsis; the widespread use of effective contraception beginning in the 1960s, which reduced the number of unwanted pregnancies; and, more recently, the shift from illegal to legal abortion. The United States has a serious problem with teenage pregnancy. Without legal abortion, there would be almost twice as many teenage births each year.
** Sacheen Carr-Ellis, Nathalie Kapp; &quot;10. Family Planning&quot;. In Berek, Jonathan S. (ed.). [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Berek_Novak_s_Gynecology/P3erI0J8tEQC?hl=en&amp;gbpv=1 &quot;Novak's Gynecology”] (14 ed.). (2007) Lippincott Williams &amp; Wilkins. pp.295-296

* The number of abortion reported each year in the United States-1,313,000 in 2000 according to the Alan Guttmacher Institute-has been decreasing since the 1980s (260). In 2001, the national abortion rate was 16 per1,000 women aged 15 to 44 years. Most women who obtain abortions are unmarried (82% in 2001), and the ratio of abortion to live births s 9 times higher for unmarried women than for married women (261). Use of abortions varies markedly with age. In 2001, 18% of women obtaining abortions were 19 years of age or younger, and 51.3% were 24 years of age or younger. IN 2001, the abortion ratio for women younger than 15 years of age was 744 per 1,000 live births, almost as many abortions as births (Fig. 20.2). The Lowest abortion ratio, 147 per 1,000 live births, is for women aged 30 to 34 years. Legal abortion rates and ratios reached their highest in the early 1980s as they replaced illegal abortions, and both have declined since, especially for the youngest women (Fig. 10.20) (258).
** Sacheen Carr-Ellis, Nathalie Kapp; &quot;10. Family Planning&quot;. In Berek, Jonathan S. (ed.). [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Berek_Novak_s_Gynecology/P3erI0J8tEQC?hl=en&amp;gbpv=1 &quot;Novak's Gynecology&quot;] (14 ed.). (2007) Lippincott Williams &amp; Wilkins. p.296

* In the United States, about 50% of pregnancies are unintended, and about 40% of unintended pregnancies are ended by elective abortion, making it one of the most common surgical procedures done.
** Frances E. Casey, [https://www.merckmanuals.com/home/women-s-health-issues/family-planning/abortion &quot;Abortion – Women's Health Issues&quot;]. ''Merck Manuals Consumer Version''. Archived from the original on 13 July 2018. Retrieved 12 July 2018. 

* The mortality and morbidity of women who terminated their pregnancy before the 1973 Supreme Court decision in Roe v Wade are compared with post—Roe v Wade mortality and morbidity. Mortality data before 1973 are from the National Center for Health Statistics; data from 1973 through 1985 are from the Centers for Disease Control and The Alan Guttmacher Institute. Trends in serious abortion-related complications between 1970 and 1990 are based on data from the Joint Program for the Study of Abortion and from the National Abortion Federation. Deaths from illegally induced abortion declined between 1940 and 1972 in part because of the introduction of antibiotics to manage sepsis and the widespread use of effective contraceptives. Deaths from legal abortion declined fivefold between 1973 and 1985 (from 3.3 deaths to 0.4 death per 100 000 procedures), reflecting increased physician education and skills, improvements in medical technology, and, notably, the earlier termination of pregnancy. The risk of death from legal abortion is higher among minority women and women over the age of 35 years, and increases with gestational age. Legal-abortion mortality between 1979 and 1985 was 0.6 death per 100 000 procedures, more than 10 times lower than the 9.1 maternal deaths per 100 000 live births between 1979 and 1986. Serious complications from legal abortion are rare. Most women who have a single abortion with vacuum aspiration experience few if any subsequent problems getting pregnant or having healthy children. Less is known about the effects of multiple abortions on future fecundity. Adverse emotional reactions to abortion are rare; most women experience relief and reduced depression and distress.
** Coble, Yank D. (1992). [https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jama/article-abstract/401754 &quot;Induced Termination of Pregnancy Before and After Roe v Wade: Trends in the Mortality and Morbidity of Women&quot;]. JAMA: The Journal of the American Medical Association. 268 (22): 3231. 

* ABSTRACT: In the United States, more than one half of pregnancies are unintended, with 3 in 10 women having an abortion by age 45 years. In 2008, 1.2 million abortions occurred in the United States, of which 6.2% took place between 13 weeks of gestation and 15 weeks of gestation, and 4.0% took place at 16 weeks of gestation or later. Only 1.3% of abortions are performed at 21 weeks of gestation or later. The proportion of abortions performed in the second trimester, usually defined as between 13 weeks of gestation and 26 weeks of gestation (as calculated from the last menstrual period), has remained stable during the past two decades. The purpose of this document is to provide evidence-based guidelines for the medical and surgical methods of second-trimester termination as well as for the management of associated complications.
** Committee on Practice Bulletins-Gynecology; Steinauer, Jody; Jackson, Andrea; Grossman, Daniel (June 2013). [https://www.acog.org/clinical/clinical-guidance/practice-bulletin/articles/2013/06/second-trimester-abortion &quot;Second-trimester abortion. Practice Bulletin No. 135&quot;]. ''American College of Obstetrics &amp; Gynecology - Practice Bulletins. 

* Abortion is legal in every state in the USA and there are clinics in every state.  We do understand that in many states one must travel quite far to find a clinic. &lt;br&gt; To find a clinic, you can check National Abortion Federation here or Planned Parenthood here. Clinics listed at these sites may be able to give you a small grant to help pay for your abortion through the Justice Fund. They can also tell you if Medicaid can help cover the cost of abortion in your state. If you need financial help, there are funds throughout the US that may be able to give you a loan or grant for part of the costs. Go to National Network of Abortion Fund to find the fund in your state, or call the National Network of Abortion Funds at 617-267-7161. You can also call the helpline at the National Abortion Federation for referrals and funding. The number is 1-800-772-9100 and the best times to call are between 6 and 11:00 PM EST Mon-Friday, noon-9:00 PM EST on Saturdays, or anytime on Sunday 9 AM -9:00 PM EST. &lt;br&gt; If you choose to self-manage your abortion, please see www.abortionpillinfo.org for information about how you might be able to find the medicines.  If you have the medicines and have any questions before, during or after using them, we are available at this website to support you.  For emotional support, you can also call the All-Options Talkline at 1-888-493-0092 (M-Fri 10-1am, Sa-Su 10-6 EST).
** [https://consult.womenhelp.org/en/page/521906/where-can-i-find-a-clinic-or-help-paying-for-my-abortion “Where can I find a clinic or help paying for my abortion?”]

* Recent findings: In recent years, there has been an alarming rise in the number of antiabortion laws enacted across the United States. In total, various states in the union enacted 334 abortion restrictions from 2011 to July 2016, accounting for 30% of all abortion restrictions since the legalization of abortion in 1973. Data confirm, however, that more liberal abortion laws do not increase the number of abortions, but instead greatly decrease the number of abortion-related deaths. Several countries including Romania, South Africa and Nepal have seen dramatic decreases in maternal mortality after liberalization of abortion laws, without an increase in the total number of abortions. In the United States, abortions are incredibly safe with very low rates of complications and a mortality rate of 0.7 per 100 000 women. With increasing abortion restrictions, maternal mortality in the United States can be expected to rise over the coming years, as has been observed in Texas recently. 
** Conti, Jennifer A.; Brant, Ashley R.; Shumaker, Heather D.; Reeves, Matthew F. (November 2016). [https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27805969/ &quot;Update on abortion policy&quot;]. ''Current Opinion in Obstetrics and Gynecology''. 28 (6): 517–521. doi:10.1097/GCO.0000000000000324. PMID 27805969. S2CID 26052790. 

* The use of contraception reduces the probability of having an abortion by 85%. In states which allowed emergency contraceptives without a prescription prior to the FDA's move earlier this year, the abortion rate dropped by over 1/3. Some 70% or 42 million American women today of reproductive age are sexually active and do not want to become pregnant. Only 5% of women aged 15-44 in the U.S. use no contraception during sex and they account for 50% of the nation's abortions.
** Cosgrove, Terry, [https://www.huffpost.com/entry/socalled-prolifers-should_b_69729 &quot;So-Called Pro-Lifers Should Stop Promoting Abortion&quot;], ''The Huffington Post'', (October 24, 2007).

* While [[mental health]] advocates have had to fight to have mental illness treated on a par with physical illness in the insurance context, parity between physical and mental health has been a central feature of abortion jurisprudence for almost 30 years (TGR, Vol. 1, No. 6, December 1998). Under Roe v. Wade, women have a constitutional right to choose an abortion, but after the fetus reaches viability, states may restrict or even prohibit abortion except when necessary to protect a woman's life or health. Roe's companion case, Doe v. Bolton, clarified that &quot;health&quot; must be broadly defined to include both physical and mental health concerns: &quot;Medical judgment may be exercised in the light of all the factors—physical, emotional, psychological, familial, and the woman's age—relevant to the well-being of the patient. All these factors may relate to health.&quot; &lt;br&gt; In light of these rulings, any attempt to qualify the health exception—or, more specifically, to exclude mental health—would appear to conflict directly with the current state of constitutional law. The health exception, however, has long been a target of abortion foes, who claim it is so broad as to allow women to obtain &quot;late&quot; abortions for any reason. In fact, a 1996 ad sponsored by the National Conference of Catholic Bishops claims that the health exception can be defined &quot;as just about anything,&quot; including a psychological crisis caused when a teenager realizes that she &quot;won't fit into a prom dress&quot; or &quot;hates being 'fat.'&quot;
** Dailard, Cynthia (June 1999). [https://www.guttmacher.org/gpr/1999/06/abortion-restrictions-and-drive-mental-health-parity-conflict-values &quot;Issues and Implications, Abortion Restrictions and the Drive for Mental Health Parity: A Conflict in Values?&quot;]. The Guttmacher Report on Public Policy. 2 (3). Retrieved October 2, 2015. 

* In PLANNED PARENTHOOD OF CENTRAL MISSOURI V. DANFORTH(1) (1976) and COLAUTTI V. FRANKLIN(2) (1979), the Supreme Court made clear that viability is a medical determination, which varies with each pregnancy, and that it is the responsibility of the attending physician to make that determination. &lt;br&gt; These principles are embodied in the laws of most states. Forty states have enacted legislation severely limiting abortions after fetal viability. Laws in 32 states limit abortions after viability to cases in which the woman's life at serious risk or her health is endangered, although five of the 32 also permit abortions in cases of fetal defect. Laws in seven states permit abortions after viability only when the woman's life is endangered; California is the only state where laws ban late abortions for any reason.
**  Democratic Underground, [https://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&amp;address=389x5758875 &quot;Fetal Viability And Late-Term Abortion: The Facts And The Law&quot;]. www.democraticunderground.com. Retrieved October 5, 2015. 

* Abortions after fetal viability are extremely rare. Half of the 1.5 million abortions in the U.S. each year take place within the first eight weeks of pregancy; nine in 10 occur within the first 12 weeks. Less than 1 percent are performed after 20 weeks. Some 300-600 abortions -- or up to four one-hundredths of 1 percent -- are performed after 26 weeks.
**  Democratic Underground, [https://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&amp;address=389x5758875 &quot;Fetal Viability And Late-Term Abortion: The Facts And The Law&quot;]. www.democraticunderground.com. Retrieved October 5, 2015. 

* Eight in 10 Americans surveyed consistently say that abortion should be legal in cases of fetal defect. Severe fetal defects often are not diagnosed until late in pregnancy. Amniocentesis, which can be used to diagnose hundreds of these serious fetal conditions, may not produce results until after 20 weeks of gestation. Consequently, locating a physician who will perform the abortion, making travel arrangements, and securing the necessary funds may be a time-consuming process. &lt;br&gt; Other tragic circumstances sometimes turn a wanted pregnancy into a potential medical disaster. In some cases, a preexisting medical condition, such as heart or kidney disease, may be so severely exacerbated by pregnancy that the woman's life is threatened. In other cases, a pregnant woman who had thought she was completely healthy may be diagnosed with a serious medical condition such as breast cancer. In these cases, an abortion becomes medically indicated, since continuing the pregnancy would make treatment impossible. In still other cases, pregnancy itself may cause some dangerous conditions, such as preeclampsia -- which do not become severe until late in pregnancy. &lt;br&gt; In addition to abortions for medical indications such as these, abortions after viability also are sought by a very small number of women in extremely difficult life situations, such as very young girls who conceal their pregnancies or who may be victims of incest; women who abuse alcohol or other drugs; or women who suffer severe mental or emotional impairments.
** Democratic Underground, [https://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&amp;address=389x5758875 &quot;Fetal Viability And Late-Term Abortion: The Facts And The Law&quot;]. www.democraticunderground.com. Retrieved October 5, 2015. 

* Though serious infection after induced abortion is rare, infections account for one third of abortion-related deaths in the United States. Most fatal cases of infection after induced medical abortion have involved clostridial species. These reported cases share important clinical features that may guide clinicians to earlier recognition and institution of therapy.
** Dempsey, A (December 2012). [https://journals.lww.com/clinicalobgyn/Abstract/2012/12000/Serious_Infection_Associated_With_Induced_Abortion.7.aspx &quot;Serious infection associated with induced abortion in the United States&quot;]. ''Clinical Obstetrics and Gynecology''. 55 (4): 888–92. doi:10.1097/GRF.0b013e31826fd8f8. PMID 23090457. 

* At one time before H.B. 2 was passed, Texas had some forty clinics providing abortions throughout the state.  About half of those closed after the provision requiring hospital admitting privileges for abortion clinic doctors went into effect, and clinic operators had told the Court that the number would drop to eight or nine clinics if both provisions were upheld and went fully into effect.  It is unclear how many, if any, of the closed clinics will now reopen in the wake of the Court’s decision.
**  Denniston, Lyle (June 27, 2016). [https://www.scotusblog.com/2016/06/opinion-analysis-abortion-rights-reemerge-strongly/ &quot;Whole Woman's Health v. Hellerstedt - Opinion analysis: Abortion rights reemerge strongly&quot;]. SCOTUSblog. Retrieved June 29, 2016. 

* The Austin boycott is yet one more unconventional tactic used by the pro-life movement in the ongoing debate. For decades, the media have been chronicling the drama unfolding outside of clinics around the nation ranging from routine protest to violence. Pro-choice activists, media pundits, and pro-choice politicians typically discuss these tactics in terms of personal acts of harassment, completely devoid of any political implications. When explaining the magnitude of anti-abortion activity at clinics, pro-choice activists contextualize the debate as a question of women’s rights: the pro-life movement does not believe in a woman’s right to choose. Conversely, pro-life activists see their unconventional activities at clinics as stemming from their belief that abortion is murder and they are simply trying to prevent the wholesale slaughter of innocent children. Both camps draw on simplistic explanatory frames to make sense of the saliency of the abortion issue and breadth of activities occurring at clinics. However, the abortion controversy is anything but simple.
** Alesha E. Doan (2007). [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Opposition_and_Intimidation/tJnZWitvR6oC?hl=en&amp;gbpv=1&amp;printsec=frontcover “Opposition and Intimidation: The abortion wars and strategies of political harassment”]. University of Michigan. Ch. 1, “Political Protest or Political Harassment? Social Movements, Morality Politics, and Abortion”, pp.2-3

* The abortion decline between 2008 and 2011 was driven by a steep drop in unintended pregnancy, which in turn is most plausibly explained by more and better contraceptive use. &lt;br&gt; * New evidence contradicts arguments by abortion opponents that the 2008–2011 abortion decline resulted from more women carrying unintended pregnancies to term because of state abortion restrictions or because they chose to do so of their own accord. &lt;br&gt; * These findings have major implications for the U.S. abortion debate as, among other things, they validate that supporting and expanding women’s access to contraceptive services leads to a lower incidence of abortion.
**  Dreweke, Joerg (March 18, 2016). [&quot;New Clarity for the U.S. Abortion Debate: A Steep Drop in Unintended Pregnancy Is Driving Recent Abotion Declines&quot;. Guttmacher Institute. Retrieved January 22, 2021. 

* Who gets abortions in America? The portrait of abortion has changed with society. Today, teenagers are having far fewer abortions. The typical patient is most likely already a mother,  poor, unmarried, in her late 20s, has some college education and is very early in pregnancy. &lt;br&gt; The politics are complicated. Americans are not as neatly divided on abortion as politicians and activists. Overall, 26 percent of voters hold a different view on abortion than the presidential candidate they supported in 2020, one poll found.
** Eckholm, Erik, [https://www.nytimes.com/2011/12/05/health/policy/fetal-heartbeat-bill-splits-anti-abortion-forces.html &quot;Anti-Abortion Groups Are Split on Legal Tactics&quot;], ''The New York Times'', (December 4, 2011).  

* If the experience among affiliates of the Planned Parenthood and sales figures from the US manufacturer, Danco Laboratories, LLC, (personal communication, Danco Laboratories, LLC) are indicative, use of medical abortion continues to grow in numbers and as a percentage of first-trimester abortions in the United States. By the end of 2007, about 50% of medically-eligible Planned Parenthood patients up to 56 days of gestation chose medical abortion (representing 26% of all first-trimester abortions), despite the loss of a critical week of eligibility when medical abortion with buccal misoprostol could be provided only through 56 days of gestation. The officially mandated switch from vaginal to buccal misoprostol resulted in no reduction in uptake of the method and no reduction in effectiveness. In February 2008, based on results of a recent clinical trial, Planned Parenthood resumed offering medical abortion from 57 through 63 days of gestation, employing the buccal route.
** Fjerstad M, Sivin I, Lichtenberg ES, Trussell J, Cleland K, Cullins V (September 2009). [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3766037/ &quot;Effectiveness of medical abortion with mifepristone and buccal misoprostol through 59 gestational days&quot;]. ''Contraception''. 80 (3): 282–86. doi:10.1016/j.contraception.2009.03.010. PMC 3766037. PMID 19698822. 

* Since 1977 there have been eight murders, 17 attempted murders, 42 bombings, and 186 arsons targeted at abortion clinics and providers across the United States. In some cases, a small group of clinics have been targeted multiple times. 
** Frostenson, Sarah. [https://www.vox.com/2015/12/1/9827886/abortion-clinic-attacks-mapped &quot;40 years of attacks on abortion clinics, mapped&quot;]. ''Vox''. (December 1, 2015).

* About half of American women will face an unplanned pregnancy, according to the nonprofit Guttmacher Institute, and at current rates more than one-third will have an abortion by the time they are 45. Since Roe v. Wade legalized the procedure in 1973, no other issue has so contorted U.S. politics or confounded values. When does life begin? Who should decide? And is there anything that can be agreed on to make the hard choices less painful?
** Gibbs, Nancy, [https://web.archive.org/web/20070218124958/http:/www.time.com/time/printout/0,8816,1590444,00.html &quot;The Grass-Roots Abortion War&quot;], ''Time'', (February 15, 2007).  

* In the past 10 years, as public funding for family planning has stalled, unplanned pregnancy rates have jumped 29% among poor women; they are now more than four times as likely to have abortions as richer ones. 
** Gibbs, Nancy, [https://web.archive.org/web/20070218124958/http:/www.time.com/time/printout/0,8816,1590444,00.html &quot;The Grass-Roots Abortion War&quot;], ''Time'', (February 15, 2007).  

* Despite restricted access, abortion remains one of the most common surgical procedures in the U.S. for women and, according to the Guttmacher Institute, fewer than 0.3% of patients experience a complication serious enough to require hospitalization. First-trimester abortions in particular are considered extremely safe. After years of debate about breast cancer and abortion, the U.S. National Cancer Institute in February 2003 gathered the world's leading experts to review the data and assess the risk. They stated that their conclusion that &quot;induced abortion is not associated with an increase in breast cancer risk was &quot;well established,&quot; the institute's highest rating for research findings.
** Gibbs, Nancy, [https://web.archive.org/web/20070218124958/http:/www.time.com/time/printout/0,8816,1590444,00.html &quot;The Grass-Roots Abortion War&quot;], ''Time'', (February 15, 2007).  

* In court briefs and reports, defense attorneys, prosecutors, judges, international human rights experts and academics have begun to unpick what a return to illegal abortion might look like in a country with a vast law enforcement apparatus, with the world’s largest incarcerated population, and with women as America’s fastest growing imprisoned demographic. &lt;br&gt; “It’s like a thought experiment – to think about what ‘Call Jane’ would look like,” in the modern era, said Cynthia Conti-Cook, a technology fellow with the Ford Foundation. Her work in gender, racial and ethnic justice explores how law enforcement could use the data produced by digital infrastructure – phones, internet browsers, social media – to prosecute people who seek or aid abortions, should Roe v Wade be overturned, and the procedure become illegal in some states once again. &lt;br&gt; A single mobile phone could reveal the entire collective, Conti-Cook warned. Just one encounter with law enforcement – a traffic stop, a search, an arrest – could expose the entire network “through digital connections”.
** Jessica Glenza, [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2021/nov/29/us-abortion-supreme-court-roe-v-wade “What will US’s future look like if abortion becomes a crime again?”], ''The Guardian'', (29 Nov 2021)

* Other American historians, such as Leslie J Reagan, the author of ''When Abortion Was a Crime'', have warned of Ceausescu-like regimes where prenatal care becomes about ensuring “all pregnancies are progressing to term”, and authorities monitor menstrual cycles. In Missouri, health department officials have admitted to monitoring periods to identify “failed medical abortions”, part of a bid to close the state’s last abortion clinic. &lt;br&gt; In a brief to the [[United States Supreme Court|supreme court]], the [[United Nations]] special rapporteur on the right to health warned that overturning [[Roe v Wade]] and banning or criminalizing abortion would be “irreconcilable” with international [[human rights]] [[laws]]. Even so, some states have already instituted bans, such as Texas, which banned the vast majority of abortions.
** Jessica Glenza, [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2021/nov/29/us-abortion-supreme-court-roe-v-wade “What will US’s future look like if abortion becomes a crime again?”], ''The Guardian'', (29 Nov 2021)

* In America, the debate about abortion is often reduced to binary categories. Religious versus secular. Misogynists versus murderers. Even “Christian theocracy” versus, presumably, everyone else.
** Emma Green, [https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2019/05/progressive-christians-abortion-jes-kast/590293/ “A Pastor’s Case for the Morality of Abortion”], ''The Atlantic'', (May 26, 2019)

* In the 1973 Roe v. Wade decision, the Supreme Court ruled that women, in consultation with their physician, have a constitutionally protected right to have an abortion in the early stages of pregnancy—that is, before viability—free from government interference. &lt;br&gt; In 1992, the Court reaffirmed the right to abortion in Planned Parenthood v. Casey. However, the ruling significantly weakened the legal protections previously afforded women and physicians by giving states the right to enact restrictions that do not create an &quot;undue burden&quot; for women seeking abortion.
** [https://web.archive.org/web/20071013034110/http:/www.guttmacher.org/pubs/fb_induced_abortion.html &quot;Facts on Induced Abortion in the United States&quot;]. ''Guttmacher Institute''. January 2011. Archived from the original on October 13, 2007. Retrieved April 19, 2011.

* WASKOM, Tx. (KSLA) - Two Austin based non-profits have put up back-to-back billboards on Interstate 20, to challenge Waskom City Council’s decision to ban abortions in the city. &lt;br&gt; The ‘Abortion is Freedom’ billboards are located near Waskom exit 635.
**  Hargett, Kenley.[ https://www.ksla.com/2019/07/06/abortion-is-freedom-billboards-cause-controversy-waskom-city-declared-act-illegal/  &quot;'Abortion is Freedom' billboards cause controversy in Waskom, city declared the act illegal&quot;]. Ksla.com. Retrieved January 23, 2020. 

* “I’m proud of my town for standing up for what they believe in,&quot; Misty Collins says. &quot;That’s on God’s values and that’s what our country is based on.” &lt;br&gt; Reproductive rights advocacy group Naral Pro-Choice Texas and the Lilith Fund for Reproductive Equity are the two non-profits responsible for the billboards.
**  Hargett, Kenley.[ https://www.ksla.com/2019/07/06/abortion-is-freedom-billboards-cause-controversy-waskom-city-declared-act-illegal/  &quot;'Abortion is Freedom' billboards cause controversy in Waskom, city declared the act illegal&quot;]. Ksla.com. Retrieved January 23, 2020. 

* Analysis of 2 recent surveys of the attitudes of US women on the morality and legality of abortion and the political implications of those attitudes, and on the characteristics of women who report having had abortions. About 70% of women surveyed believed legal abortion should be available for any woman who wants 1, but only 1/3 believed abortion to be morally justified under all circumstances. Only a minority believed that abortion was wrong under the most commonly given reasons for abortion, and a substantial majority believed it is justified for reasons of health or in cases of rape or incest or a defective fetus. Because there was no single circumstance among the 10 choices which were held to be immoral by a majority of the women, a legal restriction which would not violate the consciences of a majority of women would be difficult to construct. While opponents of abortion are more likely than supporters to support political candidates solely on the abortion issue, supporters so far outnumber opponents that single issue voters are twice as likely to be prochoice than antiabortion. Little differences were found among Catholics and non Catholics in the proportions that support legal abortions, although Catholics were more likely to have moral reservations. Strongest support for legal abortion was found among women who had had abortions, blacks, and from women who attend religious services less than once a month. Majorities in opposition to legal abortions were found in none of the subgroups. Comparison with surveys of abortion providers showed that the truthfulness with which women reported their abortion experience in these polls was greater among younger women: 80% and 60% of women under age 25 reported truthfully, while 32% and 53% of those aged 25-44 underreported abortion experience. Among other findings of the polls: at least 4 million US women now living have had illegal abortions; Catholic and Protestant women are about as likely to obtain an abortion; women who attend religious services regularly are relatively less likely to obtain them; older women of higher socioeconomic status were more likely to have obtained an abortion during the period when they were illegal; the overwhelming majority of women who had abortions believed it to have been right to do so and that they are better off for having done so. 
** Henshaw SK, Martire G. [https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/7095107/ “Abortion and the public opinion polls. 1. Morality and legality.” ], Fam Plann Perspect. 1982 Mar-Apr;14(2):53-60. PMID: 7095107 

* Hispanic women are 60 percent more likely than non-Hispanics to have an unintended pregnancy that they terminate by abortion, but they are less likely than nonwhites to do so. Women who profess no religion have a higher abortion rate than do women who report some religious affiliation; among the latter, Catholics are about as likely to obtain an abortion as are all women nationally, while Protestants and Jews are less likely to do so. One in six abortion patients in 1987 described themselves as born-again or Evangelical Christians; such women are half as likely as other American women to obtain abortions. Unmarried cohabiting women are nine times as likely as married women living with their husbands to have an abortion, and separated women are also at high risk. Other characteristics associated with an above-average likelihood of abortion are current school enrollment, current employment, low income, Medicaid coverage, intention to have no more children and residence in a metropolitan county. Half of all abortion patients in 1987 were practicing contraception during the month in which they conceived, and a substantial proportion of those who were not doing so had stopped using a method only a few months before becoming pregnant. The majority of abortion patients who had stopped using a method prior to becoming pregnant said they had most recently used the pill. Nonuse of a method of birth control among abortion patients is greatest for those who are young, poor, black, Hispanic or less educated. 
** Henshaw SK and Silverman J, [https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/3243346/ “The characteristics and prior contraceptive use of U.S. abortion patients”], ''Family Planning Perspectives'', 1988, 20(4):158–159 &amp; 162–168.

* Results of a 1994-1995 national survey of 9,985 abortion patients reveal that women who live with a partner outside marriage or have no religious identification are 3.5-4.0 times as likely as women in the general population to have an abortion. Nonwhites, women aged 18-24, Hispanics, separated and never-married women, and those who have an annual income of less than $15,000 or who are enrolled in Medicaid are 1.6-2.2 times as likely to do so; residents of metropolitan counties have a slightly elevated likelihood of abortion. When age is controlled, women who have had a live birth are more likely to have an abortion than are those who have never had children. Catholics are as likely as women in the general population to have an abortion, while Protestants are only 69% as likely and Evangelical or born-again Christians are only 39% as likely. Since 1987, the proportion of abortions obtained by Hispanic women and the abortion rate among Hispanics relative to that for other ethnic groups have increased. The proportion of abortion patients who had been using a contraceptive during the month they became pregnant rose from 51% in 1987 to 58%. Nonuse is most common among women with low education and income, blacks, Hispanics, unemployed women and those who want more children. The proportion of abortion patients whose pregnancy is attributable to condom failure has increased from 15% to 32%, while the proportions reporting the failure of other barrier methods and spermicides have decreased.
** Henshaw SK and Kost K, [https://www.guttmacher.org/sites/default/files/pdfs/pubs/journals/2814096.pdf “Abortion patients in 1994–1995: characteristics and contraceptive use”], ''Family Planning Perspectives'', 1996, 28(4): 140

* Roe v. Wade, the 1973 Supreme Court decision that legalized abortion, “gave my profession an almost unlimited license to kill,” Dr. Jefferson testified before Congress in 1981. &lt;br&gt; Dr. Jefferson, a surgeon, was speaking in support of a bill, sponsored by Senator Jesse Helms, Republican of North Carolina, and Representative Henry J. Hyde, Republican of Illinois, that sought to declare that human life “shall be deemed to exist from conception.” Had it passed, it would have allowed states to prosecute abortion as murder. &lt;br&gt; “With the obstetrician and mother becoming the worst enemy of the child and the pediatrician becoming the assassin for the family,” Dr. Jefferson continued to testify, “the state must be enabled to protect the life of the child, born and unborn.” 
** Hevesi, Dennis (2010-10-18). [https://www.nytimes.com/2010/10/19/us/19jefferson.html &quot;Mildred Jefferson, 84, Anti-Abortion Activist, Is Dead - Obituary (Obit)&quot;]. ''NYTimes.com''. Retrieved 2012-11-07. 

* In a 2003 profile in The American Feminist, an anti-abortion magazine, Dr. Jefferson said, “I am at once a physician, a citizen and a woman, and I am not willing to stand aside and allow this concept of expendable human lives to turn this great land of ours into just another exclusive reservation where only the perfect, the privileged and the planned have the right to live.”
** Hevesi, Dennis, [https://www.nytimes.com/2010/10/19/us/19jefferson.html &quot;Mildred Jefferson, 84, Anti-Abortion Activist, Is Dead - Obituary (Obit)&quot;], ''NYTimes.com'', (2010-10-18).

* Roe v. Wade, the landmark Supreme Court decision that established a woman’s legal right to an abortion, is decided on January 22, 1973. The Court ruled, in a 7-2 decision, that a woman’s right to choose an abortion was protected by the privacy rights guaranteed by the Fourteenth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. The legal precedent for the decision was rooted in the 1965 case of Griswold v. Connecticut, which established the right to privacy involving medical procedures. &lt;br&gt; Despite opponents’ characterization of the decision, it was not the first time that abortion became a legal procedure in the United States. For most of the country’s first 100 years, abortion as we know it today was not a criminal offense.
** History Staff. [https://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/roe-v-wade &quot;Roe v. Wade is Decided&quot;]. ''A+E Networks''.

* In the 1700s and early 1800s, the word “abortion” referred only to the termination of a pregnancy after “quickening,” the time when the fetus first began to make noticeable movements. The induced ending of a pregnancy before this point did not even have a name–but not because it was uncommon. Women in the 1700s often took drugs to end their unwanted pregnancies. &lt;br&gt; In 1827, though, Illinois passed a law that made the use of abortion drugs punishable by up to three years’ imprisonment. Although other states followed the Illinois example, advertising for “Female Monthly Pills,” as they were known, was still common through the middle of the 19th century.
** History Staff. [https://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/roe-v-wade &quot;Roe v. Wade is Decided&quot;]. ''A+E Networks''. 

* Abortion itself only became a serious criminal offense in the period between 1860 and 1880. And the criminalization of abortion did not result from moral outrage. The roots of the new law came from the newly established physicians’ trade organization, the American Medical Association. Doctors decided that abortion practitioners were unwanted competition and went about eliminating that competition. The Catholic Church joined the doctors in condemning the practice. &lt;br&gt; By the turn of the century, all states had laws against abortion, but for the most part they were rarely enforced and women with money had no problem terminating pregnancies if they wished. It wasn’t until the late 1930s that abortion laws were enforced. Subsequent crackdowns led to a reform movement that succeeded in lifting abortion restrictions in California and New York even before the Supreme Court decision in Roe v. Wade.
** History Staff. [https://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/roe-v-wade &quot;Roe v. Wade is Decided&quot;]. ''A+E Networks''. 

* Until the late 19th century, abortion was legal in the United States before “quickening,” the point at which a woman could first feel movements of the fetus, typically around the fourth month of pregnancy. &lt;br&gt; Some of the early regulations related to abortion were enacted in the 1820s and 1830s and dealt with the sale of dangerous drugs that women used to induce abortions. Despite these regulations and the fact that the drugs sometimes proved fatal to women, they continued to be advertised and sold. &lt;br&gt; In the late 1850s, the newly established American Medical Association began calling for the criminalization of abortion, partly in an effort to eliminate doctors’ competitors such as midwives and homeopaths. &lt;br&gt; Additionally, some nativists, alarmed by the country’s growing population of immigrants, were anti-abortion because they feared declining birth rates among white, American-born, Protestant women. &lt;br&gt; In 1869, the Catholic Church banned abortion at any stage of pregnancy, while in 1873, Congress passed the Comstock law, which made it illegal to distribute contraceptives and abortion-inducing drugs through the U.S. mail. By the 1880s, abortion was outlawed across most of the country.
** History.com Editors, [https://www.history.com/topics/womens-rights/roe-v-wade &quot;Roe v. Wade&quot;]. HISTORY.  (Updated: May 15, 2019 Original: Mar 27, 2018)

* During the 1960s, during the women’s rights movement, court cases involving contraceptives laid the groundwork for Roe v. Wade. &lt;br&gt; In 1965, the U.S. Supreme Court struck down a law banning the distribution of birth control to married couples, ruling that the law violated their implied right to privacy under the U.S. Constitution. And in 1972, the Supreme Court struck down a law prohibiting the distribution of contraceptives to unmarried adults. &lt;br&gt; Meanwhile, in 1970, [[Hawaii]] became the first state to legalize abortion, although the law only applied to the state’s residents. That same year, [[New York]] legalized abortion, with no residency requirement. By the time of Roe v. Wade in 1973, abortion was also legally available in [[Alaska]] and [[Washington]].
** History.com Editors, [https://www.history.com/topics/womens-rights/roe-v-wade &quot;Roe v. Wade&quot;]. ''HISTORY''. (Updated: May 15, 2019 Original: Mar 27, 2018)

* While American women with the financial means could obtain abortions by traveling to other countries where the procedure was safe and legal, or pay a large fee to a U.S. doctor willing to secretly perform an abortion, those options were out of reach to McCorvey and many other women. &lt;br&gt; As a result, some women resorted to illegal, dangerous, “back-alley” abortions or self-induced abortions. In the 1950s and 1960s, the estimated number of illegal abortions in the United States ranged from 200,000 to 1.2 million per year, according to the Guttmacher Institute.
** History.com Editors, [https://www.history.com/topics/womens-rights/roe-v-wade &quot;Roe v. Wade&quot;]. HISTORY.  (Updated: May 15, 2019 Original: Mar 27, 2018)

* Recent estimates find that approximately 1.29 million abortions were performed in the United States in 2003, a 2% decrease from 1.31 million in 2000. Each year in the United States, 2% of women of reproductive age (15 to 44 years) terminate a pregnancy legally. Given the current rate, it is estimated that over one third of women in the United States will have had an abortion by age 45. The abortion rate in 2000 was about 21.3 per 1,000 women. This rate has decreased from 27.4 abortions per 1,000 women in 1990. While nearly all women in the United States  have used some form of contraceptive at some point in their lives and contraceptive use has increased considerably since the legalization of abortion, about half of the 6 million pregnancies occurring each year are reportedly unplanned. Roughly half of these unplanned pregnancies, one in five pregnancies overall, are terminated by induced abortion. Women who opt for abortion tend to be never married, in their 20s, live below the federal poverty level, and are mothers of at least one child. Over half of women who have had an abortion used some form of contraception during the month that they became pregnant. Since legalization in 1973, abortion in the United States has become very sage. Yet, worldwide, 19 of the 46 million abortions performed annually are done so illegally. Illegal abortion remains very unsafe and account for some 68,000 deaths globally each year. 
** Holmquist S, Gilliam M (2008). &quot;Induced abortion&quot;. In Gibbs RS, Karlan BY, Haney AF, Nygaard I (eds.). [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Danforth_s_Obstetrics_and_Gynecology/v4krPhqFG8sC?hl=en&amp;gbpv=1&amp;dq=Danforth%27s+obstetrics+and+gynecology+(10th+ed.).&amp;printsec=frontcover “Danforth's obstetrics and gynecology (10th ed.)”]. Philadelphia: Lippincott Williams &amp; Wilkins. p.586, ISBN 978-0-7817-6937-2. 

* The landmark 1973 Supreme Court decision in “Roe v. Wade” effectively legalized abortion in the United States. Since that time, federal and state legislators have proposed or enacted hundreds of pieces of legislation aimed at restricting access to abortion or challenging the Court’s “Roe” decision, making induced abortion the most actively litigated and highly publicized area in medicine. 
** Holmquist S, Gilliam M (2008). &quot;Induced abortion&quot;. In Gibbs RS, Karlan BY, Haney AF, Nygaard I (eds.). [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Danforth_s_Obstetrics_and_Gynecology/v4krPhqFG8sC?hl=en&amp;gbpv=1&amp;dq=Danforth%27s+obstetrics+and+gynecology+(10th+ed.).&amp;printsec=frontcover “Danforth's obstetrics and gynecology (10th ed.)”]. Philadelphia: Lippincott Williams &amp; Wilkins. p.586, ISBN 978-0-7817-6937-2. 

* Antiabortion legislation seeks to chip away at access to abortion through a variety of means. The federal so-called “partial-birth abortion” ban of 2003 attempted to abolish certain late-second-trimester abortion procedures, but due to its vague language, it would have further reaching effects; at the time of this writing, a Supreme Court case challenging the ban awaits a decision. A number of states have mandated parental notification or consent before a minor is able to obtain an abortion. In some states, women seeking abortions must undergo a waiting period of at least 24 hours or receive state-sanctioned counseling beforehand; in some cases, this counseling contains ideologically charges or scientifically disputed information that s meant to discourage women from ultimately choosing abortion. A handful of states, most notably South Dakota in 2006, have attempted ot pass bans on almost all abortions with the express purpose of challenging “Roe”.
** Holmquist S, Gilliam M (2008). &quot;Induced abortion&quot;. In Gibbs RS, Karlan BY, Haney AF, Nygaard I (eds.). [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Danforth_s_Obstetrics_and_Gynecology/v4krPhqFG8sC?hl=en&amp;gbpv=1&amp;dq=Danforth%27s+obstetrics+and+gynecology+(10th+ed.).&amp;printsec=frontcover “Danforth's obstetrics and gynecology (10th ed.)”]. Philadelphia: Lippincott Williams &amp; Wilkins. p.586, ISBN 978-0-7817-6937-2. 

* Claiming that abortion can cause breast cancer, social conservatives have pushed for laws across the country that require doctors to provide “counseling” about this alleged risk to all women seeking abortions. As these efforts advanced last year, the Bush Administration distorted the science on this issue to misleadingly portray abortion as a risk factor in breast cancer when there is a scientific consensus that it is not. &lt;br&gt; Until the summer of 2002, the National Cancer Institute posted an analysis on its web site concluding that the current body of scientific evidence does not support the claim that abortions increase a woman’s risk of breast cancer. The analysis explained that after some uncertainty before the mid-1990s, this issue had been resolved by several well-designed studies, the largest of which was published in the New England Journal of Medicine in 1997, finding no link between abortion and breast cancer risk. &lt;br&gt; In November 2002, however, the Bush Administration removed this analysis and posted new information about abortion and breast cancer on the NCI web site. The new fact sheet stated: &lt;br&gt; [T]he possible relationship between abortion and breast cancer has been examined in over thirty published studies since 1957. Some studies have reported statistically significant evidence of an increased risk of breast cancer in women who have had abortions, while others have merely suggested an increased risk. Other studies have found no increase in risk among women who have had an interrupted pregnancy. &lt;br&gt; This new fact sheet erroneously suggested that whether abortion caused breast cancer was an open question with studies of equal weight supporting both sides. The New York Times called the NCI’s new statement “an egregious distortion of the evidence.” According to the director of epidemiology research for the American Cancer Society, “This issue has been resolved scientifically . . . . This is essentially a political debate.” &lt;br&gt; After members of Congress protested the change, NCI convened a three-day conference of experts on abortion and breast cancer. Participants reviewed all existing population-based, clinical, and animal data available, and concluded that “[i]nduced abortion is not associated with an increase in breast cancer risk,” ranking this conclusion as “well-established.” On March 21, 2003, the NCI web site was updated to reflect this conclusion. 
** [https://web.archive.org/web/20091104194534/http:/oversight.house.gov/features/politics_and_science/example_breast_cancer.htm &quot;Politics &amp; Science – Investigating the State of Science Under the Bush Administration&quot;]. ''oversight.house.gov''. Archived from the original on November 4, 2009. Retrieved April 14, 2008. 

* [J]ust last year, the US passed at least 106 abortion restrictions, making it the single worst year for reproductive health care access in the country’s history — but one that’s growing. In states like Missouri, lawmakers are pushing the envelope with legislation intended to expand abortion restrictions even outside of the state.
** Natasha Ishak, [https://www.vox.com/2022/3/20/22987539/anti-trans-anti-abortion-laws-texas-florida-idaho “State-level Republicans are going all in on extreme anti-trans, anti-abortion laws”], “Vox”, (March 20, 2022)

* The argument for these anti-abortion laws hinges on the belief that a fetus should be considered a functioning human because its heartbeat can be heard on ultrasound (Texas’s SB 8 bill is also referred to as “the heartbeat law” by its proponents). But this claim has been repeatedly debunked by medical professionals, who explain the term “fetal heartbeat” is misleading. Any activity captured in an early gestation ultrasound is “actually electrical activity, and the sound that you ‘hear’ is actually manufactured by the ultrasound machine,” not a human heartbeat.
** Natasha Ishak, [https://www.vox.com/2022/3/20/22987539/anti-trans-anti-abortion-laws-texas-florida-idaho “State-level Republicans are going all in on extreme anti-trans, anti-abortion laws”], “Vox”, (March 20, 2022)

* The political weight behind such measures is relatively new: As recently as 1984, data suggests, a person’s political affiliation was not closely tied to their position on abortion. But by 2020, the gap between pro-choice Democrats and anti-abortion Republicans had widened tremendously, reaching a 59 point-difference among “strong partisans, the group most likely to vote in primary elections.”
** Natasha Ishak, [https://www.vox.com/2022/3/20/22987539/anti-trans-anti-abortion-laws-texas-florida-idaho “State-level Republicans are going all in on extreme anti-trans, anti-abortion laws”], ''Vox'', (March 20, 2022)

* The choice to have an abortion was hers until the opening of the cervix to the uterus, was dilated; after dilation, emptying the uterus became inevitable. In those days, I saw little mind-changing; women had their decision firmly made, usually, and were eager to get on with the abortion. Frequently, they hoped I might do it then and there; women were unaccustomed to being told anything much about what was to be done to us--often the woman’s attitude was, &quot;don't tell me any(more)thing, just get on with it&quot;. But we insisted that SHE KNOW; that the abortion was something we were going to be doing together, that this was her decision and she could, should, and must know all about it.
** Johnson, Linnea. [https://web.archive.org/web/20110725214230/http:/www.cwluherstory.org/something-real-jane-and-me-memories-and-exhortations-of-a-feminist-ex-abortionist.html &quot;Something Real: Jane and Me. Memories and Exhortations of a Feminist Ex-Abortionist&quot;]. CWLU Herstory Project. Archived from the original on July 25, 2011.

* We told women: you're a part of this not an object of this; this is an ensemble production. Abortion was to be a matter of informed choice; decision-making is a revolutionary act. And we talked ~ along, giving information, asking and answering questions, a woman at the pregnant woman's shoulders holding her hand or maybe wiping her forehead. Those women who said they didn't want to know what was happening were told why we thought it important to know, why it is important not to detach oneself from one's body or to submit to anyone else, even to someone who is helping, who you have chosen to help, even to us.
** Johnson, Linnea. [https://web.archive.org/web/20110725214230/http:/www.cwluherstory.org/something-real-jane-and-me-memories-and-exhortations-of-a-feminist-ex-abortionist.html &quot;Something Real: Jane and Me. Memories and Exhortations of a Feminist Ex-Abortionist&quot;]. CWLU Herstory Project. Archived from the original on July 25, 2011.

* Most often we aborted pregnancies by dilation and curettage (D&amp;c). By about 1972, the technique of manual vacuum aspiration was available, and we used it, too, frequently for women six weeks pregnant or less, though curettage always completed those abortions. The aspiration was less uncomfortable but then we felt it was not always entirely reliable when used alone. For women 6-12 weeks pregnant, we always did the D&amp;C. &lt;br&gt; For women 12-16 weeks pregnant, or beyond, labor was induced, most commonly by breaking the amniotic sac with forceps. Both laminaria and luenbach paste, which separate the placenta from the uterine wall, were available during some of those years, but their presence is clinically detectable while a broken amniotic sac, drained fluid, and a dilated os can all be attributed to natural process. The os dilated, the sac broken, labor induced, the pregnancy comes out.
** Johnson, Linnea. [https://web.archive.org/web/20110725214230/http:/www.cwluherstory.org/something-real-jane-and-me-memories-and-exhortations-of-a-feminist-ex-abortionist.html &quot;Something Real: Jane and Me. Memories and Exhortations of a Feminist Ex-Abortionist&quot;]. CWLU Herstory Project. Archived from the original on July 25, 2011. Retrieved May 23, 2010.

* Results: The abortion rate declined 8.0% between 2000 and 2008, from 21.3 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15-44 to 19.6 per 1,000. Decreases in abortion were experienced by most subgroups of women. One notable exception was poor women; this group accounted for 42.4% of abortions in 2008, and their abortion rate increased 17.5% between 2000 and 2008 from 44.4 to 52.2 abortions per 1,000. In addition to poor women, abortion rates were highest for women who were cohabiting (52.0 per 1,000), aged 20-24 (39.9 per 1,000), or non-Hispanic African American (40.2 per 1,000). If the 2008 abortion rate prevails, 30.0% of women will have an abortion by age 45.  &lt;br&gt; Conclusion: Abortion is becoming increasingly concentrated among poor women, and restrictions on abortion disproportionately affect this population. 
** Jones, Rachel K (June 2011). [https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/21606746/ &quot;Changes in Abortion Rates Between 2000 and 2008 and Lifetime Incidence of Abortion&quot;]. Obstetrics &amp; Gynecology. 117 (6): 1358–1366.  

* Although modern induced abortion is one off the safest medical procedures available, it is regulated like no other area of medicine in the USA. The procedure is currently subject to a multitude of federal and state laws and regulations. This situation was not always the case. From the country’s inception up through the first half of the 19th century, abortion prior to “quickening” was legal and largely unregulated in the USA.
** Bonnie Scott Jones, Jennifer Dalven, “Abortion law and policy in the USA” Ch.4 in Paul M, Lichtenberg ES Borgatta L Grimes DA Stubblefield P Creinin (eds) [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Management_of_Unintended_and_Abnormal_Pr/iK7xrRr2p9sC?hl=en&amp;gbpv=1&amp;printsec=frontcover “Management of unintended and abnormal pregnancy: comprehensive abortion care”]. (April 27, 2009) Oxford: Wiley-Blackwell.

* This paper examines the content of Post Abortion Syndrome (PAS) claims, the social actors involved and how this social diagnosis bypassed professional dissent and diffused into public policy in the United States. Previous works on the spread of PAS focus on almost exclusively on anti-abortion think tanks and policymakers. Missing from these analyses, however, is an emphasis on the grassroots-level actions undertaken by evangelical crisis pregnancy center (CPC) activists in introducing and circulating PAS claims. The CPC movement introduced PAS claims and provided the fodder for anti-abortion think tanks to construct evidence of pro-life claims. Despite dissent from health professionals and academic researchers, CPC PAS claims successfully diffused into federal and state abortion policy. I draw upon Brown et al.’s social diagnosis framework and Armstrong's five-stage model of diagnosis development to frame this account.
** Kelly, Kimberly (February 2014).[ https://linkinghub.elsevier.com/retrieve/pii/S0277-9536(13)00633-3  &quot;The spread of 'Post Abortion Syndrome' as social diagnosis&quot;.] ''Social Science &amp; Medicine''.

* Much has changed in the twenty-plus years since “Roe”. Although abortion is not illegal it is available in less than 20 percent of the counties in this country. The ban on federal Medicaid funding and the restrictions imposed by many states, including parental consent laws, waiting periods, and mandatory counseling on fetal development, do not make abortion a realistic option for some women and girls. Many of these restrictions stem from the belief that woman are not responsible decision-makers. They follow from ‘Roe”, which codified both the state’s right to regulate abortion and the physician’s responsibility for it. Within the medical profession itself, doctors who  perform abortions are stigmatized. To compound these problems of access and attitude, abortion providers are being driven out by the high costs of protecting their clinics, their staffs, and themselves from violent attacks by abortion foes. The situation could hardly be worse for beleaguered clinics. 
** Laura Kaplan, Ch.2 “Beyond Sage and Legal: The Lessons of Jane” (1998), in Solinger, Rickie (ed.), [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Abortion_Wars/LBQbVVoXLcEC?hl=en&amp;gbpv=1&amp;printsec=frontcover “Abortion Wars: A Half Century of Struggle, 1950–2000”], University of California Press, p.40

* Abortion clinics operate in a siege situation, and that mentality is not conducive to change. But that hostile climate could be used to create a community, a partnership, between clinic staff and the women who seek their services, much as we in Jane were able to use our illegality to build solidarity. An emphasis on health and reproductive education in abortion counseling would give women the tools they need to act responsibly. Training professional staff to respond to each woman as a full person not only benefits women but also makes the practitioners’ work more rewarding and positively affects morale. Substituting responsive care for a reliance on drugs improves health outcomes and women’s emotional recovery. Although we cannot expect provider associations to police their members, they could promote examples of quality care. In major cities, where a variety of abortion services exists, feminists could evaluate these services and make that information available to women.
** Laura Kaplan, Ch.2 “Beyond Sage and Legal: The Lessons of Jane” (1998), in Solinger, Rickie (ed.), [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Abortion_Wars/LBQbVVoXLcEC?hl=en&amp;gbpv=1&amp;printsec=frontcover “Abortion Wars: A Half Century of Struggle, 1950–2000”], University of California Press, pp.  ISBN 978-0-520-20952-7 “Beyond Safe and Legal”, p.41

* More than 25 years have elapsed since Dr. Bourne, an eminent London obstetrician, was found not guilty after having performed an abortion on a 14-year-old girl who had become pregnant after a particularly brutal rape. In this country no state has specifically legalized an abortion for pregnancy resulting from rape or incest. It is extremely likely, however, that many victims of such crimes have been aborted upon the medical, or more accurately psychiatric, opinion that the operation is necessary to preserve the patient's life. Our society tends to express vigorous condemnation of criminal abortion until confronted with a personally or socially unacceptable pregnancy.
** Amy Kesselman, (1998), in Solinger, Rickie (ed.), [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Abortion_Wars/LBQbVVoXLcEC?hl=en&amp;gbpv=1&amp;printsec=frontcover “Abortion Wars: A Half Century of Struggle, 1950–2000”], University of California Press, pp.  ISBN 978-0-520-20952-7 “Women Versus Connecticut” Conducting a Statewide Hearing on Abortion&quot;, p.42

* A sea change in attitudes toward abortion occurred during the five years before “Roe v Wade”. By 1971 over half the people questioned in opinion polls favored legalizing abortion. Lawyers challenging abortion statutes, who had previously emphasized the effects of unconstitutionally vague language on medical practitioners, began in the early 1970s to argue on behalf of women’s right to decide when to have a child, Organizations that had been working to reform abortion laws changed their goals, strategies, and often their names to reflect the new movement for repeal of all state abortion statutes, and after 1970 state courts began ruling in favor of women’s right to abortion.
** Amy Kesselman, (1998), in Solinger, Rickie (ed.), [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Abortion_Wars/LBQbVVoXLcEC?hl=en&amp;gbpv=1&amp;printsec=frontcover “Abortion Wars: A Half Century of Struggle, 1950–2000”], University of California Press, pp.  ISBN 978-0-520-20952-7 “Women Versus Connecticut” Conducting a Statewide Hearing on Abortion&quot;, p.42

* In 1982, a French pharmaceutical company announced that it had developed a pill that would end a pregnancy if taken within seven weeks of conception. Advocates of reproductive freedom hailed the news, because the pill, known as RU-486, meant that abortions could be induced soon after conception in a doctor's office, without surgery. By the early 1990's, RU-486 was available in France, Britain and Sweden. But protests by antiabortionists were driving its European manufacturers to quit making it, and opponents in the United States helped block its introduction here by threatening to boycott the products of any drug company that sold it. In the face of such intimidation, virtually no American company was willing to supply it in commercial quantities. Since its approval for sale by the Food and Drug Administration last fall, RU-486 has been distributed in the United States by a pharmaceutical company specializing in women's health that gets it from a producer in China.
** Kevles, Daniel J. (July 22, 2001). [https://www.nytimes.com/2001/07/22/books/the-secret-history-of-birth-control.html?pagewanted=print &quot;The Secret History of Birth Control&quot;]. The New York Times.

* “I don’t think the most damaging issue in this country is poverty, as important as the issue is,” Land said, agreeing that the country needs to work to alleviate poverty and that the government has a measure of responsibility in the effort. &lt;br&gt; “Yet not a single day has gone by in the last 32 years that I have not personally grieved and prayed for the 4,000 babies -- disproportionately African American -- who have been aborted,” Land continued. “I believe government has a responsibility to protect life. That includes unborn life. I personally will not rest until they are protected.” &lt;br&gt; The most dangerous place an American has been over the past 32 years is his or her mother’s womb, Land said, noting there is a 33 percent chance of a child being killed between conception and birth. 
** Richard Land in Baptist Press [https://web.archive.org/web/20110615032610/http:/www.bpnews.net/bpnews.asp?ID=22064 &quot;Sparks fly in Land's appearance at black columnists’ meeting&quot;]

* Sam Lau, senior director for advocacy media at the Planned Parenthood Action Fund, believes more Americans are recognizing this moment as a crisis for abortion access. &lt;br&gt; &quot;I think what we have seen is absolutely an increase in [[awareness]], an increase in [[urgency]], an increase in the need to [[fight]] back,&quot; he said. &quot;But I still actually think that huge swaths of this population still don't quite [[believe]] that the access to abortion and the 50-year precedent that is Roe v. Wade is really hanging in the balance.&quot;
** Sam Lau as quoted in [https://www.npr.org/2022/01/13/1072671395/abortion-rights-jumps-to-a-top-priority-for-democrats-in-new-poll “Abortion rights jump to a top priority for Democrats in a new poll”], ''The Associated Press'', ''NPR'', (January 13, 2022)

* Chances are, you know someone who has had an abortion. Statistically, it’s a near-certainty: In the U.S., one in three women will have an abortion by the age of 45. But despite how incredibly common abortion is, it remains mired in stigma and misinformation. 
** Rankin, Lauren (February 26, 2014). [https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/the-seven-most-common-lies-about-abortion-100707/ &quot;The Seven Most Common Lies About Abortion&quot;]. Rolling Stone.

* Even though 23 states currently regulate the provision of ultrasound by abortion providers in some way, viewing an ultrasound doesn’t stop women from having an abortion. Not even close. According to a recent study featured in the Obstetrics and Gynecology Journal, of the 40 percent of women who chose to view their ultrasound, 98.4 percent still went through with their abortion.
** Rankin, Lauren (February 26, 2014). [https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/the-seven-most-common-lies-about-abortion-100707/ &quot;The Seven Most Common Lies About Abortion&quot;]. Rolling Stone.

* Since TRAP laws surfaced in 2010, more than 50 safe abortion clinics have closed. 
** Rankin, Lauren, [https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/the-seven-most-common-lies-about-abortion-100707/ &quot;The Seven Most Common Lies About Abortion&quot;], ''Rolling Stone'', (February 26, 2014). 

* Under a law that went into effect in July, physicians in South Dakota must tell any woman seeking an abortion that she is terminating the life of “a whole, separate, unique, living human being” with whom she has an “existing relationship,” that her relationship “enjoys protection under the United States Constitution and under the laws of South Dakota,” and that abortion terminates that relationship along with “her existing constitutional rights with regards to that relationship.”
** Lazzarini Z (November 2008). [https://www.nejm.org/doi/10.1056/NEJMp0806742?url_ver=Z39.88-2003&amp;rfr_id=ori:rid:crossref.org&amp;rfr_dat=cr_pub%20%200pubmed &quot;South Dakota's Abortion Script – Threatening the Physician-Patient Relationship&quot;]. N. Engl. J. Med. 359 (21): 2189–2191.

* The purported increased risks of psychological distress, depression, and suicide that physicians are required to warn women about are not supported by the bulk of the scientific literature. By requiring physicians to deliver such misinformation and discouraging them from providing alternative accurate information, the statute forces physicians to violate their obligation to solicit truly informed consent. 
** Lazzarini Z (November 2008). [https://www.nejm.org/doi/10.1056/NEJMp0806742?url_ver=Z39.88-2003&amp;rfr_id=ori:rid:crossref.org&amp;rfr_dat=cr_pub%20%200pubmed &quot;South Dakota's Abortion Script – Threatening the Physician-Patient Relationship&quot;]. N. Engl. J. Med. 359 (21): 2189–2191.

* PIP: In &quot;Roe,&quot; the Supreme Court found that the privacy right in the 14th amendment's view of &quot;personal liberty&quot; encompasses a woman's right to choose an abortion. The Court found that &quot;abortion is a fundamental right.&quot; These conclusions are mistaken. The Court's analysis of &quot;the history of abortion regulation&quot; had a lot of errors and did not consider the state of technology in which abortion evolved. Sir Edward Coke, a 16th and 17th century jurist, said that abortion was a &quot;great misprison.&quot; Quickening, the point at which a woman feels life, was used to determine fetal viability. State courts, therefore, viewed &quot;abortion after quickening as common law crime.&quot; By the end of 1868, 30 to the then 37 states had passed laws restricting abortion. The Supreme Court said that the 19th century laws were passed to guard the mother's health &quot;against the dangers of unsafe operation.&quot; In the 15 months before &quot;Roe,&quot; 5 state courts said that their abortion laws were constitutional. They said that this was &quot;intended to protect the lives of unborn children.&quot; Therefore, the Court's belief that &quot;the state courts focused on the State's interest in protecting &quot;the health of the mother&quot; was unexplainable. The Court said that in many states the woman couldn't &quot;be prosecuted for self-abortion.&quot; 17 states did &quot;incriminate the woman's participation in her own abortion,&quot; but the Court did not note this. The Court's premise about the greater hazards of late abortions is mistaken. The states were concerned, in the late 19th century, about whether the attempted abortion caused the death of a child. The &quot;right to an abortion&quot; can only be seen as &quot;fundamental&quot; if it is &quot;implicit&quot; in the &quot;ordered liberty&quot; concept or &quot;deeply rooted&quot; in US tradition and history. &quot;Roe&quot; struck down the abortion laws of all 50 states and should be overturned. 
** Linton, P. B. (1989).[ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/2690604/  &quot;Roe v. Wade and the history of abortion regulation&quot;]. American Journal of Law &amp; Medicine. Vol. 15, no. 2–3. pp. 227–33. PMID 2690604. 

* Existing as a woman in America means watching a parade of state legislators stand up every year and debate bills that restrict your body and therefore how much say you have over the direction of your life. These bills are argued in courts, online, in classrooms and on opinion pages. Our bodies are not simply our bodies. They are the part of the discourse.
** Lyz Lenz, [https://time.com/6074553/abortion-supreme-court-limbo/ “Why Must Women Wait for the Supreme Court to Decide What We Can Do With Our Bodies?”], ''TIME'', (June 24, 2021)

* These political fights are not about people. I know that. They’re about money and rhetoric. I think about all the money raised from proclaiming reproductive rights are in jeopardy. The money raised from promising to pack the courts to end the murder of babies. The money raised on the precarity of my life.
** Lyz Lenz, [https://time.com/6074553/abortion-supreme-court-limbo/ “Why Must Women Wait for the Supreme Court to Decide What We Can Do With Our Bodies?”], ''TIME'', (June 24, 2021)

* Compared to other advanced industrialized societies, the contemporary USA is the extreme example of a society inwhich an antiabortion movement arose in response to legalization and ultimately managed to become a leading force in domestic politics.
** Paul, M; Lichtenberg, ES; Borgatta, L; Grimes, DA; Stubblefield, PG; Creinin, MD; Joffe, Carole (2009). [https://media.wiley.com/product_data/excerpt/62/14051769/1405176962.pdf  &quot;1. Abortion and medicine: A sociopolitical history&quot;] (PDF). Management of Unintended and Abnormal Pregnancy (1st ed.). Oxford: John Wiley &amp; Sons. ISBN 978-1-4443-1293-5. OL 15895486W. Archived (PDF) from the original on 19 January 2012.  p.1

* Notwithstanding involvement on the part of Catholic and Protestant clergy and others, physicians were the leading force in the campaign to criminalize abortion in the USA. The American Medical Association (AMA), founded in 1847, argued that abortion was both immoral and dangerous, given the incompetence of many practitioners at that time. According to a number of scholars, the AMA’s drive against abortion formed part of a larger and ultimately successful strategy that sought to put “regular” or university-trained physicians in a position of professional dominance over the wide range of “irregular” clinicians who practiced freely during the first half of the 19th century. &lt;br&gt; What followed was a “century of criminalization” characterized by a widespread culture of illegal abortion provision. Thousands of women died or sustained serious injuries at the hands of the infamous “back alley butchers” of that period, and encountering these victims in hospital emergency rooms became a nearly universal experience for US medical residents. However, safe abortions were available to some women, performed by highly skilled laypersons and physicians with successful mainstream practices who were motivated primarily by the desperate situations of their patients. These “physicians of conscience” were instrumental in convincing their medical colleagues of the necessity to decriminalize abortion. By 1970, the AMA reversed its earlier stance and called for the legalization of abortion.
** Paul, M; Lichtenberg, ES; Borgatta, L; Grimes, DA; Stubblefield, PG; Creinin, MD; Joffe, Carole (2009). [https://media.wiley.com/product_data/excerpt/62/14051769/1405176962.pdf  &quot;1. Abortion and medicine: A sociopolitical history&quot;] (PDF). Management of Unintended and Abnormal Pregnancy (1st ed.). Oxford: John Wiley &amp; Sons. ISBN 978-1-4443-1293-5. OL 15895486W. Archived (PDF) from the original on 19 January 2012. p.2

* Freestanding clinics remain the dominant form of abortion delivery in the USA, while in Europe and Canada, abortions are more evenly spread between clinics and hospitals. Notwithstanding the many benefits of the freestanding clinic model, it also has contributed to the marginalization of abortion services from mainstream medicine in the USA and left clinics more vulnerable to attacks from antiabortion extremists. In contrast, those European countries where abortions are delivered as part of national health care systems have experienced less difficulty in finding providers and far less antiabortion activity at service sites.
** Paul, M; Lichtenberg, ES; Borgatta, L; Grimes, DA; Stubblefield, PG; Creinin, MD; Joffe, Carole (2009). [https://media.wiley.com/product_data/excerpt/62/14051769/1405176962.pdf  &quot;1. Abortion and medicine: A sociopolitical history&quot;] (PDF). Management of Unintended and Abnormal Pregnancy (1st ed.). Oxford: John Wiley &amp; Sons. ISBN 978-1-4443-1293-5. OL 15895486W. Archived (PDF) from the original on 19 January 2012. p.3

* Liebel and other anti-abortion activists contend that mifepristone is not safe for women to take unsupervised at home and argue that it’s led to many rushing to emergency rooms. But of nearly 4 million women who have taken the drug since 2000, the FDA said, there were reports of 24 associated deaths as of 2018, including two cases of ectopic pregnancy and several cases of severe sepsis. Those deaths, however, could not be causally linked to the drug with certainty because of the patients' use of other drugs or receipt of medical or surgical treatments, or their co-existing medical conditions and information gaps about their health status, the agency said.
** Sue Liebel in Rebecca Shabad [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/politics-news/women-seeking-medication-abortions-face-increasing-state-restrictions-fda-weighs-n1275199 “Women seeking medication abortions face increasing state restrictions as FDA weighs action”], ''NBC News'', (July 31, 2021)

* “Storer himself, for example, believed that abortion was indicated where there was fear of transmitting insanity or epilepsy to the offspring. Thus, “physicians agreed that the embryo’s rights were conditional. What was at the core of their movement, therefore, was a ''reallocation'' of social responsibility for assessing the conditional rights of the fetus against the woman’s right to life, both narrowly and broadly defined. From the late nineteenth century until the late 1960s, it was doctors, not women, who held the right to make that assessment.”
** Luker, ''Abortion and the Politics of Motherhood'', p.35

* The latest war on abortion is being fought less over women's bodies than over their minds. In the past few years, under the banner of &quot;a woman's right to know,&quot; a number of states have passed laws mandating that women seeking abortions be told that going ahead with the procedure would expose them to mental health risks, including post-traumatic stress and a greater danger of suicide.  &lt;br&gt; Such warnings might sound like a good idea. The decision to terminate a pregnancy can be difficult, and some women end up regretting it. It's commendable to help women make an informed choice. But an informed choice requires accurate information. And these laws mandate that women be misled. &lt;br&gt; Rigorous U.S. scientific studies have not substantiated the claim that abortion, compared with its alternatives, causes an increased incidence of mental health problems. The same conclusion was reached in 2008 by an American Psychological Association task force, which I chaired, as well as by an independent team of scholars at Johns Hopkins University. As recently as September, Oregon State University researchers announced the results of a national study showing that teenagers who have an abortion are no more likely to become depressed or to have low self-esteem one year or five years later, compared with their peers who deliver. &lt;br&gt; Even so, the claim that abortion harms women's mental health persists. According to research by the Guttmacher Institute, counseling on the negative psychological effects of abortion is mandatory in Mississippi, Nebraska, South Carolina, South Dakota, Texas, Utah and West Virginia. Promoting this claim is part of a political strategy aimed at dissuading women from terminating a pregnancy and at making abortions difficult, if not impossible, to obtain. It is a strategy that distorts scientific principles, even as it uses the umbrella of scientific research to advance its aims. 
** Brenda Major, [https://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/11/05/AR2010110507322.html  &quot;The big lie about abortion and mental health&quot;]. ''Washington Post''. (November 7, 2010)

* State lawmakers in Nebraska willfully ignored the difference between correlation and causation in April, when they passed a law requiring that health-care providers inform women seeking abortions if they have any characteristics - such as being poor or having low self-esteem - shown to be related to mental health problems following an abortion. If a woman experiences certain difficulties after an abortion, she can file a civil lawsuit against her physician claiming that she wasn't screened adequately for those characteristics. It's an option sure to discourage doctors from offering the procedure, if they aren't already disinclined.  &lt;br&gt; The law ignores the fact that the very characteristics that predispose women to emotional or mental health problems following an abortion also predispose them to postpartum depression if they deliver or to mental health problems in general, even if they do not become pregnant. &lt;br&gt; Following the logic of this purportedly protective law, women wanting to deliver a child should likewise be screened to ascertain that they are not predisposed to poor mental health afterward. 
** Brenda Major, [https://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/11/05/AR2010110507322.html  &quot;The big lie about abortion and mental health&quot;]. ''Washington Post''. (November 7, 2010) 

* More than four decades after Roe v. Wade legalized abortion nationwide, most Americans (57%) are supportive of legal abortion, according to a 2017 Pew Research Center survey. But a substantial minority (40%) says abortion should be illegal in all or most cases, and within some U.S. denominations and religious groups, this figure is much higher. 
** David Masci, [https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2018/01/22/american-religious-groups-vary-widely-in-their-views-of-abortion/ &quot;American religious groups vary widely in their views of abortion&quot;]. ''Pew Research Center''. (January 22, 2018) 

* Among those who do identify with a religion, the majority view about abortion among members of a particular group often mirrors that group’s official policy on abortion. This is the case with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (the Mormon church) and the Southern Baptist Convention – both churches oppose abortion, as do most members of those churches. And the Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.), Unitarian Universalist Association, and Reform and Conservative Judaism, for example, all support abortion rights, in line with most of their adherents. &lt;br&gt; There are, however, cases where the views of a church’s members don’t align with its teachings on abortion. For instance, while the Roman Catholic Church is an outspoken critic of abortion, U.S. Catholics were divided on the issue in the 2014 survey, with 48% supportive of legal abortion and 47% opposed.
** David Masci, [https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2018/01/22/american-religious-groups-vary-widely-in-their-views-of-abortion/ &quot;American religious groups vary widely in their views of abortion&quot;]. ''Pew Research Center''. (January 22, 2018)

* Unitarian Universalists (90%) and American Jews (83%) in the 2014 survey were much more supportive of legal abortion than the general population. And most people who have no religious affiliation – particularly atheists and agnostics (87% each) – also support abortion rights.
** David Masci, [https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2018/01/22/american-religious-groups-vary-widely-in-their-views-of-abortion/ &quot;American religious groups vary widely in their views of abortion&quot;]. ''Pew Research Center''. (January 22, 2018) 

* [L]ittle progress has been made in reducing rates of unintended pregnancy. More than one-third of the 205 million pregnancies that occur annually worldwide are unintended, as are nearly half of all pregnancies in the USA. In contrast to the trend toward liberalization of abortion laws worldwide, women’s reproductive rights in the USA have suffered major setbacks in recent years. The clinic protesters of the 1990s have been joined by pharmacists who refuse to dispense birth control or emergency contraception, the US Supreme Court justice who upheld a federal ban on certain abortion procedures without regard for women’s health, pseudo-scientists who allege that abortion causes long-lasting psychological trauma despite incontrovertible evidence to the contrary, and a conservative White House administration that has left a legacy of hostility to women’s rights that will take many years to undo. Indeed, these countercurrents embody one of the great moral contradictions of our time: that is, while we have simple, safe, and effective technologies to provide women with the means to control their fertility, millions of women across the globe lack access to family planning services and one woman continues to die every 8 minutes from an unsafe abortion.
** Maurdeen Paul, “Preface” In Paul M, Lichtenberg ES Borgatta L Grimes DA Stubblefield P Creinin (eds) [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Management_of_Unintended_and_Abnormal_Pr/iK7xrRr2p9sC?hl=en&amp;gbpv=1&amp;printsec=frontcover “Management of unintended and abnormal pregnancy: comprehensive abortion care”]. Oxford: Wiley-Blackwell. ISBN 978-1-4051-7696-5. 

* In the early 1960s, abortion was illegal in Arizona, as it was in every state after more than a century of anti-abortion legislation. Arizona, like some other states, provided exceptions in limited circumstances, but abortion was otherwise restricted throughout the United States. However, the 1960s also ushered in a change in the public perception of abortion, a change that was conducive to the Supreme Court’s decisions in Roe v. Wade and Doe v. Bolton to overturn many state and federal restrictions on abortion. &lt;br&gt; The women’s movement played a big part in that change, as well as a rubella epidemic that raised widespread concern about fetal deformities and strengthened support for therapeutic abortions. However, if there was one person whose story had the biggest impact, it was a Phoenix-area woman named Sherri Finkbine. An abortion she had 50 years ago Saturday reminds us of the importance of keeping abortion safe and legal.
** Matt, [http://advocatesaz.org/2012/08/15/sherri-finkbines-abortion-its-meaning-50-years-later/ &quot;Sherri Finkbine's Abortion: Its Meaning 50 Years Later&quot;]. Planned Parenthood Advocates of Arizona. August 15, 2012. Retrieved December 2, 2017. 

* Finkbine had been promised anonymity, but her identity was exposed and her story created a media firestorm. Limited by abortion laws and fearing the publicity, hospitals in the United States denied Finkbine abortion services. She asked the Arizona Superior Court for immunity from prosecution if she obtained an abortion in Arizona. At that time, Arizona law allowed abortions only if the mother’s life was in danger. Judge Yale McFate dismissed Finkbine’s case, arguing that there was no legal controversy and that he didn’t have the authority to make a decision on the matter. Finkbine was finally able to obtain an abortion in Sweden on August 18, 1962. It was confirmed at the time of the abortion that her child would have been severely deformed. &lt;br&gt; Highly publicized at the time, Finkbine’s story is seen now as a pivotal moment in the history of abortion laws in the United States. In her book The Pig Farmer’s Daughter and Other Tales of American Justice: Episodes of Racism and Sexism in the Courts from 1865 to the Present, Dr. Mary Frances Berry wrote that Finkbine’s story “helped change public opinion [on abortion]. Fifty-two percent of respondents in a Gallup poll thought she had done the right thing.” Berry adds that by 1965, “most Americans, 77 percent, wanted abortion legalized ‘where the health of the mother is in danger'”; in that same year, The New York Times called for reform of abortion laws. &lt;br&gt; Dr. Lee Epstein, a professor of law and political science at the University of Southern California, wrote that “Finkbine’s situation evoked sympathetic reactions from various organizations and in essence, led to the creation of an American abortion reform movement.”
** Matt, [http://advocatesaz.org/2012/08/15/sherri-finkbines-abortion-its-meaning-50-years-later/ &quot;Sherri Finkbine's Abortion: Its Meaning 50 Years Later&quot;]. Planned Parenthood Advocates of Arizona. August 15, 2012. Retrieved December 2, 2017. 

* “Mifepristone is the only medication that they require you to receive in the clinic, but then you can self administer it at home. That doesn't make any medical sense,” she said of the FDA requirements under review. “If it is safe for you to take it home, it should also be safe for you to receive it at home and then consume it at home.”
** Colleen McNicholas in Rebecca Shabad [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/politics-news/women-seeking-medication-abortions-face-increasing-state-restrictions-fda-weighs-n1275199 “Women seeking medication abortions face increasing state restrictions as FDA weighs action”], ''NBC News'', (July 31, 2021)

* Most Americans see abortion as morally wrong, yet most also want it to be legal some of the time. And that’s because Americans see what these women’s lives don’t show — that there are imaginable occasions when a pregnancy is not, in fact, a blessing. And that we might serve the world equally well by supporting policies that care for the children who live here already.
** Lisa Miller, [https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/on-faith/a-feminine-face-for-the-anti-abortion-movement/2011/11/02/gIQAwd7kiM_story.html &quot;A feminine face for the anti-abortion movement&quot;]. ''Washington Post''. October 24, 2011. Retrieved November 16, 2011. 

* It should be obvious why, if the Supreme Court had upheld the law at issue in Whole Woman’s Health, that could have been the death knell for abortion rights. If states can enact regulations whose sole purpose is to drive up the cost of performing abortions, they eventually would be able to drive all abortion clinics out of business. Perhaps Texas might have required all abortion clinics to be built out of solid gold. &lt;br&gt; And yet, even in a world of 24-karat surgical centers, the Supreme Court could have claimed that Roe and Casey remain good law. States still would be forbidden from writing a law that states explicitly that “no one may perform an abortion.” But those states would still be free to ban abortion as long as they were sufficiently dishonest about what they were up to.
** Ian Millhisser, [https://www.vox.com/22590262/supreme-court-anti-abortion-lawyers”Anti-abortion lawyers are finally being honest about what they want from the Supreme Court”], ''VOX'', (Jul 24, 2021)

* Ever since Roe, the Court has held that the state may impose stricter restrictions on abortions later in pregnancy than it can early in the fetus’s development. Roe divided pregnancy up into trimesters, permitting greater regulation of abortion in the latter two-thirds of the pregnancy. Casey abandoned this framework to focus on “viability,” giving the government broader authority over abortion once a fetus can survive outside of the womb. &lt;br&gt; If the Court permits states to impose the same kind of restrictions on pre-viability abortions that those states may currently impose on post-viability abortions, that would severely hobble abortion rights and allow states to forbid most abortions — even if the Court does not explicitly overrule Roe or Casey.
** Ian Millhisser, [https://www.vox.com/22590262/supreme-court-anti-abortion-lawyers”Anti-abortion lawyers are finally being honest about what they want from the Supreme Court”], ''VOX'', (Jul 24, 2021)

* The rate declined to 16.9 abortions per 1,000 women between the ages of 15 and 44 in 2011, the latest year studied, which was well below the 1981 peak of 29.3 per 1,000 and the lowest since 1973 when the rate was 16.3 per 1,000, the study from Guttmacher Institute showed. &lt;br&gt; “With abortion rates falling in almost all states, our study did not find evidence that the national decline in abortions during this period was the result of new state abortion restrictions. We also found no evidence that the decline was linked to a drop in the number of abortion providers during this period,” says Rachel Jones, lead author of the study. &lt;br&gt; The decline in abortions coincided with a drop in overall pregnancy and birth rates, and contraceptive use and methods improved during the period, Jones said. 
** Moon, Angela (February 2, 2014). [https://www.reuters.com/article/us-abortionrate-decline-idUSBREA110NV20140202  &quot;U.S. abortion rate hits lowest level since 1973: study&quot;]. Reuters. Retrieved February 3, 2014. 

* The study also found that the total number of abortion providers declined by only 4 percent between 2008 and 2011, and the number of clinics, which provide the large majority of abortion services, declined by just 1 percent. &lt;br&gt; While the overall abortion rate declined, the proportion of abortions that were early medication procedures continued to increase, according to the study. &lt;br&gt; An estimated 239,400 early medication abortions were performed in 2011, representing 23 percent of all nonhospital abortions, an increase from 17 percent in 2008. The study estimated that 59 percent of all known abortion providers offer this service.
** Moon, Angela (February 2, 2014). [https://www.reuters.com/article/us-abortionrate-decline-idUSBREA110NV20140202  &quot;U.S. abortion rate hits lowest level since 1973: study&quot;]. Reuters. Retrieved February 3, 2014. 

* As the 40th anniversary of the Roe v. Wade Supreme Court decision takes place on Tuesday, a majority of Americans – for the first time – believe abortion should be legal in all or most cases, according to a new NBC News/Wall Street Journal poll. &lt;br&gt; What’s more, seven in 10 respondents oppose Roe v. Wade being overturned, which is the highest percentage on this question since 1989. &lt;br&gt; “These are profound changes,” says Republican pollster Bill McInturff, who conducted this survey with Democratic pollster Peter D. Hart and his colleagues. &lt;br&gt; McInturff adds that the abortion-related events and rhetoric over the past year – which included controversial remarks on abortion and rape by two Republican Senate candidates, as well as a highly charged debate over contraception – helped shaped these changing poll numbers. &lt;br&gt; “The dialogue we have had in the last year has contributed … to inform and shift attitudes.”
** Murray, Mark (January 21, 2013). [https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/nbc-wsj-poll-majority-first-time-want-abortion-be-legal-flna1b8061811 &quot;NBC/WSJ poll: Majority, for first time, want abortion to be legal&quot;]. NBC News. 

* According to the poll, 54 percent of adults say that abortion should be legal either always or most of the time, while a combined 44 percent said it should be illegal – either with or without exceptions.  &lt;br&gt; That’s the first time since this poll question was first asked in 2003 that a majority maintained that abortion should be legal. Previously (with just one exception in 2008), majorities said abortion should be illegal. &lt;br&gt; In addition, a whopping 70 percent of Americans oppose the Roe v. Wade decision being overturned, including 57 percent who feel strongly about this. &lt;br&gt; That’s up from the 58 percent who said the decision shouldn’t be overturned in 1989; the 60 percent who said this in 2002; and the 66 percent who said this in 2005. &lt;br&gt; By comparison, just 24 percent now want the Roe v. Wade decision overturned, including 21 percent who feel strongly about this position. &lt;br&gt; Much of this change, the NBC/WSJ pollsters say, is coming from African Americans, Latinos and women without college degrees -- all of whom increasingly oppose the Supreme Court decision being overturned.
** Murray, Mark (January 21, 2013). [https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/nbc-wsj-poll-majority-first-time-want-abortion-be-legal-flna1b8061811 &quot;NBC/WSJ poll: Majority, for first time, want abortion to be legal&quot;]. NBC News. 

* Freestanding clinics remain the dominant form of abortion delivery in the United States, whereas in Europe and Canada abortions are more evenly apportioned between clinics and hospitals. Notwithstanding the many benefits of the freestanding clinic system in the United States, it has contributed to the marginalization of abortion services from the rest of the medical establishment and has been vulnerable to attacks from anti-abortion extremists.8 In contrast, in European countries where abortions are delivered as part of national health care systems, there has been less difficulty finding abortion providers and far less anti-abortion activity at sites of abortion provision.
** [https://web.archive.org/web/20060922152349/http:/www.prochoice.org/education/resources/surg_history_overview.html &quot;Surgical Abortion: History and Overview&quot;]. ''National Abortion Federation''. Archived from the original on 22 September 2006. Retrieved 4 September 2006.

* Members of the National Abortion Federation (NAF) reported an escalation of hostility and targeted activity in 2017. With anti-abortion extremists feeling emboldened by the current political environment, trespassing more than tripled, death threats/threats of harm nearly doubled, and incidents of obstruction rose from 580 in 2016 to more than 1,700 in 2017. We also continued to see an increase in targeted hate mail/harassing phone calls, and clinic invasions, and had the first attempted bombing in many years. &lt;br&gt; There were again no acts of extreme violence, with no murders or attempted murders. While we recorded a decrease in burglary, vandalism and general online hate speech, we also recorded a significant increase in activities aimed at disrupting services, intimidating providers and patients, and preventing women from obtaining the health care they need.
** National Abortion Federation (2017). [https://prochoice.org/wp-content/uploads/2017-NAF-Violence-and-Disruption-Statistics.pdf  &quot;2017 VIOLENCE AND DISRUPTION STATISTICS&quot;] (PDF). p.1

* NAF has been tracking incidents of violence and disruption against abortion providers since 1977. Our comprehensive violence and disruption statistics are an invaluable resource that enables us to detect patterns and trends in anti-abortion criminal activities and report incidents to law enforcement. NAF members submit monthly reports on the violence and disruption they experience.
** National Abortion Federation (2017). [https://prochoice.org/wp-content/uploads/2017-NAF-Violence-and-Disruption-Statistics.pdf  &quot;2017 VIOLENCE AND DISRUPTION STATISTICS&quot;] (PDF). p.2

* Over the past year, we've seen states really target medication abortion in a way that we hadn't seen. And so it's particularly concerning because this is a method that is safe and effective and can be easily provided through telehealth.
** Elizabeth Nash in Rebecca Shabad [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/politics-news/women-seeking-medication-abortions-face-increasing-state-restrictions-fda-weighs-n1275199 “Women seeking medication abortions face increasing state restrictions as FDA weighs action”], ''NBC News'', (July 31, 2021)

* Much of the academic literature that analyzes U.S. state-level restrictions on abortion focuses on parental involvement laws and the extent to which abortion is publicly funded through Medicaid. However, one shortcoming common to all of these studies is that they fail to analyze informed consent laws and other types of anti-abortion legislation that received constitutional protection through the U.S. Supreme Court's decision in Planned Parenthood of Southeastern Pennsylvania v. Casey (1992). In this study, a series of regressions on a comprehensive time series cross-sectional data set provides evidence that several types of state-level anti-abortion legislation result in statistically significant declines in both the abortion rate and the abortion ratio. Furthermore, a series of natural experiments provide further evidence that abortion restrictions are correlated with reductions in the incidence of abortion.
** New, M.J. (15 February 2011). [https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/state-politics-and-policy-quarterly/article/abs/analyzing-the-effect-of-antiabortion-us-state-legislation-in-the-postcasey-era/1BD7FF53ABFFB54A6631DDBC870ABF4C &quot;Analyzing the Effect of Anti-Abortion U.S. State Legislation in the Post-Casey Era&quot;]. ''State Politics &amp; Policy Quarterly''. 11 (1): 28–47. doi:10.1177/1532440010387397. S2CID 53314166. 

* In the present day too, as a consequence of a Supreme Court decision, crusades for and against abortion have reached passionate intensity. Forces of total good are arrayed against total evil, the sure sign of a dogma encased in the struggle for absolute power. On both sides what once existed in the shadows of convention and ordinary adjustment is now bathed in the pitiless glare of the apocalyptic. 
** Robert Nisbet, [https://books.google.com/books?id=nIbX3rw-BqkC&amp;pg=PA2#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false “Prejudices: A Philosophical Dictionary”], (Harvard University Press 1982 ISBN 0-674-70066-X), p.5

* Regardless of their views about the legality of abortion, most Americans think that having an abortion is a moral issue. By contrast, the public is much less likely to see other issues involving human embryos – such as stem cell research or in vitro fertilization – as a matter of morality. &lt;br&gt; Asked whether abortion is morally acceptable, morally wrong or not a moral issue, only about a quarter of U.S. adults (23%) say they personally do not consider having an abortion to be a moral issue, according to a survey by the Pew Research Center. Twice as many Americans (46%) say this about using in vitro fertilization. Asked about the morality of medical research that uses embryonic stem cells, more than a third of U.S. adults (36%) say they do not consider such research to be a moral issue. Roughly four-in-ten (42%) say the same about stem cell research that does not involve human embryos. &lt;br&gt; The percentage of U.S. adults who consider abortion to be morally wrong (49%) far exceeds the percentage who express this view about in vitro fertilization (12%), non-embryonic stem cell research (16%) or embryonic stem cell research (22%). &lt;br&gt; Only 15% of the public thinks that having an abortion is morally acceptable. By comparison, about a third of U.S. adults say they personally view IVF and both forms of stem cell research as morally acceptable practices.
** [https://www.pewforum.org/2013/08/15/abortion-viewed-in-moral-terms/ &quot;Abortion Viewed in Moral Terms&quot;], ‘’Pew Research Religion &amp; Public Life Project’’. 15 August 2013. Retrieved 31 October 2013.

* There are sizable differences in opinions about the moral acceptability of abortion by partisanship, political ideology and education, but few differences when it comes to gender and age. &lt;br&gt; About two-thirds of Republicans and independents who lean toward the Republican Party consider having an abortion morally wrong (64%), compared with 38% of Democrats and Democratic-leaning independents. Similarly, conservatives (67%) are more inclined than either self-described moderates (40%) or liberals (31%) to view having an abortion as morally wrong. &lt;br&gt; Those with fewer years of formal schooling also are more inclined to consider abortion morally wrong. A majority of those with a high school degree or less education (58%) say they personally believe having an abortion is morally wrong. This compares with 47% among those with some college education and 39% among those with at least a college degree.
** [https://www.pewforum.org/2013/08/15/abortion-viewed-in-moral-terms/ &quot;Abortion Viewed in Moral Terms&quot;], ‘’Pew Research Religion &amp; Public Life Project’’. 15 August 2013. Retrieved 31 October 2013.

* In Texas, the medically unnecessary mandates on admitting privileges and building requirements have been eliminated. That means the abortion providers left standing after Texas’ anti-abortion law passed (about half of the approximately 40 providers that existed beforehand) were allowed stay open. The decision also made it possible for some of the health centers that Texas's HB2 shuttered to reopen. Overall, it was a win for abortion access in Texas. &lt;br&gt; Beyond Texas, efforts to enforce similar abortion restrictions in three other states —Alabama, Mississippi, and Wisconsin— were thwarted less than 24 hours after the ruling.  &lt;br&gt; The Whole Woman’s Health v. Hellerstedt ruling set a precedent that, at the time, was expected to strengthen constitutional protections for abortion access in the long-term.
** [https://www.plannedparenthoodaction.org/issues/abortion/roe-v-wade/whole-womans-health-v-hellerstedt &quot;Whole Woman's Health v. Hellerstedt&quot;]. ''www.plannedparenthoodaction.org''.

* The decision in Whole Woman's Health was a huge triumph for abortion access. However, the Texas law that the Supreme Court struck down in 2016 was nearly identical to a law at the center of a 2020 Louisiana case, which threatened to flout that precedent. Fortunately, on June 29, 2020 — in June Medical Services v. Russo — the Supreme Court struck down Louisiana's medically unnecessary law that would have made abortion virtually inaccessible in the state. It was another win for abortion access, but the fight isn't over.  &lt;br&gt; But right now, in states across the country, far too many people still face insurmountable barriers to safe, legal health care. A person’s right to make their own decisions about abortion shouldn’t depend on who they are or where they live. It’s time to pass state laws to protect the constitutional right to abortion, and repeal ones that block it.
** [https://www.plannedparenthoodaction.org/issues/abortion/roe-v-wade/whole-womans-health-v-hellerstedt &quot;Whole Woman's Health v. Hellerstedt&quot;]. ''www.plannedparenthoodaction.org''.

* In the United States, more than one half of pregnancies are unintended, with 3 in 10 women having an abortion by age 45 years. In 2008, 1.2 million abortions occurred in the United States, of which 6.2% took place between 13 weeks of gestation and 15 weeks of gestation, and 4.0% took place at 16 weeks of gestation or later. Only 1.3% of abortions are performed at 21 weeks of gestation or later. The proportion of abortions performed in the second trimester, usually defined as between 13 weeks of gestation and 26 weeks of gestation (as calculated from the last menstrual period), has remained stable during the past two decades. 
** [https://journals.lww.com/greenjournal/Citation/2013/06000/Practice_Bulletin_No__135__Second_Trimester.42.aspx &quot;Practice Bulletin No. 135: Second-Trimester Abortion&quot;]. ''Obstetrics &amp; Gynecology''. 121 (6): p.1394 June 2013. doi:10.1097/01.AOG.0000431056.79334.cc. ISSN 0029-7844. PMID 23812485. S2CID 205384119. 

* Second-trimester abortion is an important component of comprehensive women’s health care, and women seek termination later in pregnancy for a variety of medical and social reasons. Circumstances that can lead to second-trimester abortion include delays in suspecting and testing for pregnancy, delay in obtaining insurance or other funding, and delay in obtaining referral, as well as difficulties in locating and traveling to a provider. Poverty, lower education level, and having multiple disruptive life events, have been associated with higher rates of seeking second-trimester abortion. In addition, major anatomic or genetic anomalies may be detected in the fetus in the second trimester and women may choose to terminate their pregnancies (47-95%). The identification of major anatomic or genetic anomalies in the fetus through screening and diagnostic testing most commonly occurs in the second trimester, although first-trimester screening and chorionic villus sampling can enable first-trimester diagnosis of aneuploidy. Some obstetric and medical indications for second-trimester termination include preeclampsia and preterm premature rupture of membranes, among other conditions. Additional indications for uterine evacuation in the second trimester are pregnancy failure before 20 weeks of gestation and fetal demise. In 2005, the U.S. fetal mortality rate was 6.22 fetal deaths at 20 weeks of gestation or more per 1,000 live births and fetal deaths, and this rate was higher for teenagers; women aged 35 years and older; and among non-Hispanic black, Hispanic, and American Indian or Alaska Native women.
** [https://journals.lww.com/greenjournal/Citation/2013/06000/Practice_Bulletin_No__135__Second_Trimester.42.aspx &quot;Practice Bulletin No. 135: Second-Trimester Abortion&quot;]. ''Obstetrics &amp; Gynecology''. 121 (6): p.1394 June 2013. doi:10.1097/01.AOG.0000431056.79334.cc. ISSN 0029-7844. PMID 23812485. S2CID 205384119. 

* In 1974 and 1975 the Senate Judiciary Committee held hearings on two variants of a proposal called the Human Life Amendment to the Constitution designed to effect reversal of the Supreme Court’s decision on abortion. Prolife forces, the advocates of the Human Life Amendment, were unable to secure more than a committee hearing from the Senate and not even that from the House of Representatives. Undeterred, they turned their attention to the prospective presidential candidates as the 1976 campaign drew near. &lt;br&gt; Jimmy Carter, former governor of Georgia, shed the status of a dark horse regional candidate by virtue of his showing the Iowa primary in which he succeeded in identifying himself with the pro-life cause. Thereafter he had to exercise considerable ingenuity obscuring his position on the Human Life Amendment, a proposal he could not endorse without forfeiting the hope of nomination by a Democratic National Convention. In an editorial the Jesuit weekly ‘’America’’ accused Cater of “indifference” to the issue of abortion manifested by a “response . . . [that] has shifted constantly from the Iowa primary through the platform hearings to the post-convention maneuverings (''America'' 1976, 42). Such criticism led Carter, complaining that he was “in trouble with the Catholics,” to seek advice from the president of the University of Notre Dame, Theodore Hesburgh, who urged him to sidestep the question by pointing out that the Constitution gave the president no part in the process of amending the constitution (Hesburgh 1990, 271-72). 
** Prendergast, William B.; Prendergast, Mary E. (1999). [https://books.google.com/books?id=B9nFwo5B1BQC&amp;lpg=PA170 “The Catholic Voter in American Politics: The Passing of the Democratic Monolith”]. ISBN 0878407243. p.170

* Pat Robertson, a televangelist and Christian fundamentalist who has long opposed abortion rights, says the new anti-abortion bill in Alabama is too “extreme.”
**  Rambaran, Vandana (May 15, 2019). [https://www.foxnews.com/us/alabama-has-gone-too-far-with-extreme-abortion-bill-pat-robertson-says &quot;Alabama 'has gone too far' with 'extreme' abortion bill, Pat Robertson says&quot;]. Fox News. Retrieved May 15, 2019. 

* “I think Alabama has gone too far,&quot; Robertson said Wednesday on his long-running TV program, &quot;The 700 Club,&quot; referring to the hefty prison sentence for anyone who performs an abortion -- 99 years or life behind bars. &lt;br&gt; The bill, awaiting a signature by Republican Gov. Kay Ivey, is further reigniting a debate over Roe v. Wade, the 1973 Supreme Court decision that legalized abortion across the nation, and it could have justices rethinking that landmark ruling, but Robertson has his doubts about putting forth this case as a test case. &lt;br&gt; &quot;It’s an extreme law, and they want to challenge Roe vs. Wade, but my humble view is that this is not the case we want to bring to the Supreme Court because I think this one will lose,&quot; he said.
** Rambaran, Vandana (May 15, 2019). [https://www.foxnews.com/us/alabama-has-gone-too-far-with-extreme-abortion-bill-pat-robertson-says &quot;Alabama 'has gone too far' with 'extreme' abortion bill, Pat Robertson says&quot;]. Fox News. Retrieved May 15, 2019. 

* State Rep. Terri Collins, a Republican, who sponsored the bill, told The Washington Post that although she has sympathy for survivors and agrees “that rape and incest could be an exception in state law,” she has purposefully crafted the bill with a hard-line stance on abortion in hopes that it will make its way to the Supreme Court. &lt;br&gt;  “What I’m trying to do here is get this case in front of the Supreme Court so Roe v. Wade can be overturned,” she said.
** Rambaran, Vandana (May 15, 2019). [https://www.foxnews.com/us/alabama-has-gone-too-far-with-extreme-abortion-bill-pat-robertson-says &quot;Alabama 'has gone too far' with 'extreme' abortion bill, Pat Robertson says&quot;]. Fox News. Retrieved May 15, 2019. 

* Voters remain as divided as ever on the issue of abortion. &lt;br&gt; A new Rasmussen Reports telephone survey finds that 50% of Likely U.S. Voters consider themselves pro-choice, while 40% say they are pro-life, the same split found over three years ago. &lt;br&gt; However, that does not mean half of U.S. voters are abortion advocates. Fifty-three percent (53%) of voters consider abortion morally wrong most of the time, while just 32% say it is morally acceptable most of the time. Fifteen percent (15%) are undecided. &lt;br&gt; A closer look finds that; 22% of pro-choice voters agree with 91% of pro-lifers that abortion is morally wrong most of the time, and another 24% of those who are pro-choice are undecided. But most pro-choice voters (54%) say abortion is morally acceptable most of the time. 
** [https://www.rasmussenreports.com/public_content/politics/current_events/abortion/half_of_u_s_voters_are_pro_choice_but_53_say_abortion_s_usually_morally_wrong &quot;Half of U.S. Voters are Pro-Choice, But 53% Say Abortion's Usually Morally Wrong&quot;]. Rasmussen Reports, LLC. (February 17, 2011).

* While the country remains closely divided between those who call themselves pro-life and those who view themselves as pro-choice, the majority of Likely U.S. Voters think abortion is morally wrong in most cases.
** [https://www.rasmussenreports.com/public_content/politics/current_events/abortion/americans_think_new_state_laws_will_reduce_number_of_abortions &quot;Americans Think New State Laws Will Reduce Number of Abortions&quot;]. Rasmussen Reports, LLC. (March 10, 2011). 

* With Texas and Wisconsin the latest states to attempt limits on abortion, fewer voters than ever are calling themselves pro-choice, and the gap between pro-choice and pro-life voters is the narrowest yet. &lt;br&gt; A new Rasmussen Reports national telephone survey finds that 46% of Likely U.S. Voters now consider themselves pro-choice, the lowest finding in three years of regular surveying. Forty-three percent (43%) say they are pro-life, matching the highest finding to date. Eleven percent (11%) are undecided.
** [https://www.rasmussenreports.com/public_content/politics/current_events/abortion/46_are_pro_choice_43_pro_life &quot;46% Are Pro-Choice, 43% Pro-Life&quot;]. Rasmussen Reports, LLC. (July 9, 2013) 

* Results: The abortion-related mortality rate in 2000-2009 in the United States was 0.7 per 100,000 abortions. Studies in approximately the same years found mortality rates of 0.8-1.7 deaths per 100,000 plastic surgery procedures, 0-1.7deaths per 100,000 dental procedures, 0.6-1.2 deaths per 100,000 marathons run and at least 4 deaths among 100,000 cyclists in a large annual bicycling event. The traffic fatality rate per 758 vehicle miles traveled by passenger cars in the United States in 2007-2011 was about equal to the abortion-related mortality rate. &lt;br&gt; Conclusions: The safety of induced abortion as practiced in the United States for the past decade met or exceeded expectations for outpatient surgical procedures and compared favorably to that of two common nonmedical voluntary activities. The new legislation restricting abortion is unnecessary; indeed, by reducing the geographic distribution of abortion providers and requiring women to travel farther for the procedure, these laws are potentially detrimental to women's health. 
** Raymond, EG; Grossman, D; Weaver, MA; Toti, S; Winikoff, B (November 2014). [https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25152259/ &quot;Mortality of induced abortion, other outpatient surgical procedures and common activities in the United States&quot;]. ''Contraception''. 90 (5): 476–79. doi:10.1016/j.contraception.2014.07.012. PMID 25152259. 

* Results: The pregnancy-associated mortality rate among women who delivered live neonates was 8.8 deaths per 100,000 live births. The mortality rate related to induced abortion was 0.6 deaths per 100,000 abortions. In the one recent comparative study of pregnancy morbidity in the United States, pregnancy-related complications were more common with childbirth than with abortion.  &lt;br&gt; Conclusion: Legal induced abortion is markedly safer than childbirth. The risk of death associated with childbirth is approximately 14 times higher than that with abortion. Similarly, the overall morbidity associated with childbirth exceeds that with abortion. 
** Raymond, E.G.; Grimes, D.A. (2012). [https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22270271/ &quot;The Comparative Safety of Legal Induced Abortion and Childbirth in the United States&quot;]. ''Obstetrics &amp; Gynecology''. 119 (2, Part 1): 215–19. doi:10.1097/AOG.0b013e31823fe923. PMID 22270271. S2CID 25534071. 

* The recent surge of new legislation regulating induced abortion in the United States is ostensibly motivated by the desire to protect women's health. To provide context for interpreting the risk of abortion, we compared abortion-related mortality to mortality associated with other outpatient surgical procedures and selected nonmedical activities.
** Raymond, EG; Grossman, D; Weaver, MA; Toti, S; Winikoff, B (November 2014). [https://www.contraceptionjournal.org/article/S0010-7824(14)00574-5/fulltext &quot;Mortality of induced abortion, other outpatient surgical procedures and common activities in the United States&quot;]. ''Contraception''. 90 (5): 476–79. doi:10.1016/j.contraception.2014.07.012. PMID 25152259. 

* Results &lt;br&gt; The abortion-related mortality rate in 2000–2009 in the United States was 0.7 per 100,000 abortions. Studies in approximately the same years found mortality rates of 0.8–1.7 deaths per 100,000 plastic surgery procedures, 0–1.7deaths per 100,000 dental procedures, 0.6–1.2 deaths per 100,000 marathons run and at least 4 deaths among 100,000 cyclists in a large annual bicycling event. The traffic fatality rate per 758 vehicle miles traveled by passenger cars in the United States in 2007–2011 was about equal to the abortion-related mortality rate. &lt;br&gt; Conclusions &lt;br&gt; The safety of induced abortion as practiced in the United States for the past decade met or exceeded expectations for outpatient surgical procedures and compared favorably to that of two common nonmedical voluntary activities. The new legislation restricting abortion is unnecessary; indeed, by reducing the geographic distribution of abortion providers and requiring women to travel farther for the procedure, these laws are potentially detrimental to women's health.
** Raymond, EG; Grossman, D; Weaver, MA; Toti, S; Winikoff, B (November 2014). [https://www.contraceptionjournal.org/article/S0010-7824(14)00574-5/fulltext &quot;Mortality of induced abortion, other outpatient surgical procedures and common activities in the United States&quot;]. ''Contraception''. 90 (5): 476–79. doi:10.1016/j.contraception.2014.07.012. PMID 25152259. 

* 1994-5: The Roper Center for Public Opinion Research: Researchers S.K. Henshaw &amp; K. Kost used a different measurement of abortion data: the &quot;abortion index.&quot; For a given group, an abortion index of 1.0 indicates that women in the group have an per-capita number of abortions equal to the U.S. average; a value of 2.0 indicates that they are twice as likely to have an abortion. &lt;br&gt; They sampled women at a group of abortion clinics and determined that the abortion index by religion was for: &lt;br&gt; *Protestants: 0.69; &lt;br&gt; *Followers of a religion other than Judaism and Christianity: 0.78; &lt;br&gt; *Roman Catholics: 1.01; &lt;br&gt; *Jews: 1.08; &lt;br&gt; * Women who do not follow an organized religion: 4.02. &lt;br&gt; The researchers found that only 18.0% of abortion patients identified themsleves as &quot;Born-again/Evangelicals,&quot; This compares to 46% of the general population. Also, 82% of abortion patients identified as other than &quot;Born-again/Evangelicals&quot; compared with 54% of all Americans. Born-again/Evangelicals are thus very much under-represented among those seeking an abortion. 
** [http://www.religioustolerance.org/abo_fact4.htm &quot;U.S. Abortion Data: The religion of women who have an abortion&quot;]. “Religious Tolerance”. June 2010. Retrieved April 19, 2011. 

* Interpreting abortion data relating to religion: &lt;br&gt; These data need to be interpreted carefully. The abortion index is influenced by many variables, including: &lt;br&gt; The percentage of women in the religious group who are sexually active.  &lt;br&gt; The percentage of sexually active women who do not use an effective contraceptive method. &lt;br&gt; The frequency of their sexual activity. &lt;br&gt; The type of sexual activity -- whether it is liable to result in pregnancy. &lt;br&gt; The percentage of pregnant women who wish to terminate the pregnancy. &lt;br&gt; The percentage of pregnant women who choose to have an abortion. &lt;br&gt; Truthfullness: These data show what the women say, not necessarily what they do or are. For example, twice as many adults &quot;say&quot; that they go to religious services regularly than actually do go.  &lt;br&gt; For example, the average Roman Catholic teenager might be less likely to have access to accurate and comprehensive birth control information. All other factors being equal, this would increase the index for Roman Catholics. Similarly, conservative Protestant denominations (fundamentalist and other evangelicals) composed largely of born-again members, are very actively involved in reducing abortion access in the U.S. Their members might be too ashamed or embarrased to admit that they belong to these groups, 
** [http://www.religioustolerance.org/abo_fact4.htm &quot;U.S. Abortion Data: The religion of women who have an abortion&quot;]. “Religious Tolerance”. June 2010. Retrieved April 19, 2011. 

* A diversity of views exists within the U.S. and Canada concerning abortion access. Many pro-life and pro-choice groups have been organized with opposing goals. Surprisingly, they agree on a few very important points. &lt;br&gt; *They both want to see the abortion rate decline. &lt;br&gt; * In those cases where they feel that an abortion is acceptable, they are both concerned that it present a minimal health risk to the woman. &lt;br&gt;* Once human personhood is attained by the embryo or fetus, both pro-life and pro-choice supporters are concerned that his/her life be preserved, except in very unusual circumstances.  &lt;br&gt; Unfortunately, the two sides cannot agree on when personhood is attained. Most pro-life groups believe it happens at conception and are thus generally opposed to all elective abortions. Pro-choice groups typically believe that it happens later in gestation or at birth, and are thus generally supportive to a woman’s access to affordable, safe, elective abortions.
** Religious Tolerance, [www.religioustolerance.org/abo_hist1.htm &quot;Current beliefs by various religious and secular groups&quot;]

* Since there appears to be no possibility of compromise on abortion access, the conflict among pro-life, anti-abortion, and pro-choice groups in the U.S. will probably continue into the foreseeable future. This will inspire anti-abortion radicals to continue attacks on people and facilities. 
** “Religious Tolerance.org”, [http://www.religioustolerance.org/abo_viol.htm Violence at US Abortion Clinics]

* In the United States, legislation regarding abortion has varied with the times. Before 1800, no statutes addressed the subject of abortion. The first antiabortion legislation appeared in the 1820s; the preservation of pregnant women's health was the motivating force. During this time, the mortality rate from abortion was high, while the mortality rate from childbirth was less than 3%. By 1900, abortion in the United States at any time during pregnancy was a crime, with the exception of therapeutic abortion performed to save the mother's life.  &lt;br&gt; During the 1950s, the practice of medicine came under increasing scrutiny, and guidelines were set to define the indications for therapeutic abortion. The guidelines allowed therapeutic abortion if (1) pregnancy would &quot;gravely impair the physical and mental health of the mother,&quot; (2) the child born was likely to have &quot;grave physical and mental defects,&quot; or (3) the pregnancy was the result of rape or incest (Mcfarlane, 1993). In the United States, the legalization of abortion by Roe v Wade in 1973 upheld the fundamental right of a woman to determine whether to continue her pregnancy.
** Roche, Natalie E. (28 September 2004). [https://web.archive.org/web/20041214092044/http:/www.emedicine.com/MED/topic3311.htm &quot;Therapeutic Abortion&quot;]. ''eMedicine''. Archived from the original on 14 December 2004. Retrieved 19 June 2011. 

* US statistics indicate that the vast majority of abortions are elective. Therapeutic abortion is rare. The ability to define therapeutic abortion performed for maternal indications is difficult because of the subjective nature of decisions made about potential morbidity and mortality in pregnant women. A variety of medical conditions in pregnant women have the potential to affect health and cause complications that may be life threatening.  &lt;br&gt; Prenatal screening in the form of prenatal diagnostic screening continues to improve the antepartum diagnosis of fetal anomalies. The decision to continue or terminate a pregnancy complicated by fetal anomalies is a difficult decision. The most difficult decisions are associated with anomalies that are unpredictable or highly variable in their expression. 
** Roche, Natalie E. (28 September 2004). [https://web.archive.org/web/20041214092044/http:/www.emedicine.com/MED/topic3311.htm &quot;Therapeutic Abortion&quot;]. ''eMedicine''. Archived from the original on 14 December 2004. Retrieved 19 June 2011. 

* Abortion, it's beautiful, it's beautiful abortion is legal. I love going to an abortion rally to pick up women, 'cause you know they are fucking. . . When a woman gets [[pregnant]], it's a choice between the woman and her girlfriends.  One girlfriend goes, 'Child, you should have that baby — that man got some good hair.'  And the other girlfriend says, 'Child, why we even talking about this — ain't we supposed to go to Cancun next week? Get rid of that baby!' [That] is how life is decided in America.
** [[Chris Rock]], comedian, in his stand-up comedy routine, February 2005 [http://slate.msn.com/id/2113952/].

* &quot;Heartbeat laws,&quot; which have been enacted in six states thus far in 2019, along with even more restrictive policies in three others, are putting abortion back in the forefront of national discussion and encouraging both sides to gear up for an anticipated legal battle at the Supreme Court. &lt;br&gt; Even as 60% of Americans say abortion should either not be legal at all or only legal in a few circumstances, a majority don't support laws that would outlaw abortion once a fetal heartbeat can be detected. This was defined in the question as occurring &quot;usually around the sixth week of pregnancy.&quot; &lt;br&gt; Fifty-eight percent of Americans say they would oppose a ban on abortions after a fetal heartbeat can be detected while 40% are in favor. Notably, this conforms with Americans' views on first trimester abortions more generally. According to a May 2018 Gallup survey, 60% think abortion should generally be legal in the first three months of pregnancy while most oppose it in the later months.
** Saad, Lydia Inc, Gallup (June 25, 2019). [https://news.gallup.com/poll/259061/majority-abortion-legal-limits.aspx&quot;Majority in U.S. Still Want Abortion Legal, With Limits&quot;]. Gallup.com. Retrieved May 15, 2020. 

* A similar percentage of Americans, 60%, does not want the Supreme Court to overturn Roe v. Wade, the landmark decision that defined a woman's constitutional right to abortion. This is on par with the 64% found in 2018, as well as the 58% Gallup recorded in 1989 with slightly different wording. &lt;br&gt; Just one third of Americans favor overturning Roe v. Wade, including similar proportions of men, women and all age groups. Sharper differences are seen by party identification, with most Democrats and independents opposed to reversing Roe but nearly half of Republicans in favor.
** Saad, Lydia Inc, Gallup (June 25, 2019). [https://news.gallup.com/poll/259061/majority-abortion-legal-limits.aspx&quot;Majority in U.S. Still Want Abortion Legal, With Limits&quot;]. Gallup.com. Retrieved May 15, 2020. 

* Despite Americans' aversion to strong anti-abortion legislation, they remain closely split in their self-identification as &quot;pro-life&quot; or &quot;pro-choice&quot; on the abortion issue. 
** Saad, Lydia Inc, Gallup (June 25, 2019). [https://news.gallup.com/poll/259061/majority-abortion-legal-limits.aspx&quot;Majority in U.S. Still Want Abortion Legal, With Limits&quot;]. Gallup.com. Retrieved May 15, 2020. 

* No one is thinking about these hardships when they put these bans on. People have other children, people have health issues, people have all types of things and they are spending every dime just to go somewhere else because this basic need isn’t accessible in their own state. But there are people fighting for them, no matter what laws are being passed or what the restrictions are, and we are doing everything we can to be able to service these patients. They need to know that we're going to continue to fight for them.
** Kawanna Shannon as quoted by Safia Samee Ali in [https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/we-ve-been-preparing-post-roe-world-ripples-texas-abortion-n1279462 “'We've been preparing for a post-Roe world': Ripples from Texas abortion law spread to Illinois safe haven”], ''NBC News'', (Sept. 19, 2021)

* Efforts to ban abortion in America have been given considerable momentum by the powerful involvement of militant fundamentalists’ who have made an alliance with conservative political groups. Evangelical moral and religious fervor has been combined with sophisticated political strategies, influential television programming, marketing expertise, and extensive funding. 
** Paul D. Simmons, [https://web.archive.org/web/20061129203723/http://www.rcrc.org/pdf/RCRC_EdSeries_Personhood.pdf “Personhood, the Bible, and the Abortion Debate”], p.1

* In a 34-second video titled &quot;Abortion is Murder,&quot; Alabama Lieutenant Governor Will Ainsworth told voters to reach out to representatives and urge them to pass the bill.  &lt;br&gt; &quot;Abortion is murder,&quot; Ainsworth says in the video that was posted on YouTube Sunday and shared on Twitter. &quot;Those three simple words sum up my position on an issue that many falsely claim in a complex one.&quot; He added on Twitter that there should be no amendments, which appeared to be a reference to exceptions for rape or incest. 
**  Smith, Kate (May 13, 2019).[ https://www.cbsnews.com/news/alabama-abortion-law-ahead-of-abortion-bill-debate-alabama-lieutenant-governor-urges-against-rape-incest-2019-05-13/ &quot;Ahead of Alabama abortion bill debate, Lieutenant Governor fights against rape and incest exceptions&quot;]. CBS News. Retrieved May 14, 2019. 

* Alabama's proposed legislation is just one of more than 300 anti-abortion measures that have been introduced this year by state politicians. Four states — Georgia, Mississippi, Ohio and Kentucky — passed bills this year that outlaw abortions after a fetal heartbeat is detected, which is typically five to six weeks into a pregnancy. Many, like Alabama's, are in direct conflict with the Supreme Court's Roe v. Wade decision, which protects a woman's right to an abortion.   &lt;br&gt; If it passes, it would be the most restrictive anti-abortion law approved since Roe. The bill's primary sponsor, Representative Terri Collins, has previously called the legislation a &quot;direct attack&quot; on the Supreme Court's ruling, and anticipates that the bill will be contested by abortion rights advocates and potentially make its way to the high court. &lt;br&gt; &quot;The heart of this bill is to confront a decision that was made by the courts in 1973 that said the baby in the womb is not a person,&quot; Collins said last week when the Alabama House debated the legislation. &quot;This bill addresses that one issue. Is that baby in the womb a person? I believe our law says it is.&quot;
** Smith, Kate (May 13, 2019).[ https://www.cbsnews.com/news/alabama-abortion-law-ahead-of-abortion-bill-debate-alabama-lieutenant-governor-urges-against-rape-incest-2019-05-13/ &quot;Ahead of Alabama abortion bill debate, Lieutenant Governor fights against rape and incest exceptions&quot;]. CBS News. Retrieved May 14, 2019. 

* Abortion was common in the United States and everywhere else, as it is today. It is a universal of women’s experience and always has been. Evidence of abortion dates back to the beginnings of recorded history. But the numbers of abortions have waxed and waned in response to the availability of contraceptives and social circumstances that encouraged or discouraged childbearing. During the Great Depression, when childbearing was unthinkable for many, abortions skyrocketed. One large study found that white middle-class married women aborted one in every four pregnancies in the 1930s the number dropped during World War II, when birth control devices (condoms, diaphragms, vaginal foam) circulated widely, but in the late 1950s, the rate started to climb. &lt;br&gt; For doctors and medical workers, the woman bleeding from a botched abortion was a familiar figure in hospital emergency rooms in the 1950s and ‘60s. Entire wards were given over to patients suffering from septic abortions. Women tried to abort themselves with abortifacients or irritants  administered as douches: Lysol, soap, kerosene, vinegar, powdered mustard, bleach, among others. They used, or others used on them, garden hoses, syringes, telephone wire, coat hangers, nut picks, pencils, catheters, and chopsticks.
** Christine Stansell (2010). [https://www.google.com/books/edition/The_Feminist_Promise/5DLVJqInw4oC?hl=en&amp;gbpv=1&amp;printsec=frontcover “The Feminist Promise: 1792 to the Present”]. New York: Modern Library. Chapter Ten: Politics and the Female Body, p.314 

* Some abortion policies in the U.S. are based on the notion that abortion harms women’s mental health. The American Psychological Association (APA) Task Force on Abortion and Mental Health concluded that first-trimester abortions do not harm women’s mental health. However, the APA task force does not make conclusions regarding later abortions (second trimester or beyond) and mental health. This paper critically evaluates studies on later abortion and mental health in order to inform both policy and practice.
** Steinberg, J.R. (2011). [https://linkinghub.elsevier.com/retrieve/pii/S1049-3867(11)00014-4 &quot;Later Abortions and Mental Health: Psychological Experiences of Women Having Later Abortions – A Critical Review of Research&quot;]. ''Women's Health Issues''. 21 (3): S44–S48. doi:10.1016/j.whi.2011.02.002. PMID 21530839. 

* Hawaii this week becomes the first state in the Union to legalize abortion on request, leaving the decision about the operation to the woman herself and her physician. The legislature completed passage of the bill last week and sent it to Governor John A. Burns. A Roman Catholic, Burns said he would not sign it but neither would he veto it. Unsigned, it becomes law in ten days. &lt;br&gt; The Hawaiian law is essentially what many physicians have been urging—so far, unsuccessfully—in several mainland states. It includes only minimal restrictions: the operation must involve a fetus that cannot live outside the womb (usually meaning less than 20 weeks of gestation); it must be performed by a licensed physician or surgeon (M.D. or doctor of osteopathy), and in a Government-licensed hospital. By comparison, the &quot;liberalized&quot; abortion laws passed by ten states, led by Colorado in 1967, require that each abortion must be approved by two or more disinterested physicians. All specify some medical need, such as the mother's physical or mental health, or a likelihood that the baby will be defective. Britain is somewhat more lenient than these states, but still stipulates pre-operation approval by more than one doctor. The District of Columbia is now in a legal limbo, since Federal Judge Gerhard A. Gesell declared the restrictive District code unconstitutional because it was too vague. Gesell's ruling is subject to reversal on appeal. Meanwhile, abortion is available in the District, but many residents complain that it is difficult to obtain.
** [https://web.archive.org/web/20101201211449/http:/www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,878789,00.html &quot;Medicine: Abortion on Request&quot;]. Time. March 9, 1970. Archived from the original on December 1, 2010. Retrieved October 15, 2012. (subscription required) 

* Like every other jurisdiction that has liberalized its abortion law, Hawaii was fearful of becoming an &quot;abortion capital.&quot; So the legislators wrote in a 90-day residency requirement. Some concede that this may be unconstitutional, but they worded it so that the rest of the statute is unassailable. Hawaii thus becomes the first major jurisdiction in the Western world in which abortion is treated as an exclusively medical matter. Any woman over 20 can have one for the asking if she can find a doctor willing to perform it.
** [https://web.archive.org/web/20101201211449/http:/www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,878789,00.html &quot;Medicine: Abortion on Request&quot;]. Time. March 9, 1970. Archived from the original on December 1, 2010. Retrieved October 15, 2012. (subscription required) 

* As pro-choice advocates prepare to honor the 40th anniversary of Roe v. Wade, the Supreme Court decision has been getting decidedly ambivalent coverage in the press. In today’s paper, New York Times columnist Gail Collins puzzles over Americans’ discomfort with the issue of abortion, emphasizing their contradictory responses to questions about abortion on public opinion surveys: &lt;br&gt; Gallup polls suggest support for abortion rights is fading, particularly among young Americans, and that more people now regard themselves as “pro-life” than “pro-choice.” On the other hand…the polls depend on the question. According to the Quinnipiac poll, if you ask Americans whether they agree with the Roe decision, nearly two-thirds say yes. &lt;br&gt; This apparent incongruity is thrown into even starker relief in a 2011 PRRI survey, which allowed respondents to identify as both “pro-life” and “pro-choice.” The results showed that these labels don’t encompass the complexity of Americans’ attitudes toward abortion: 7-in-10 Americans said that “pro-choice” describes them somewhat or very well, while nearly two-thirds said the same of the “pro-life” label. Fully 43% of respondents identified as both “pro-choice” and “pro-life.”
** Amelia Thomson-DeVeaux, [https://www.prri.org/spotlight/moving-beyond-pro-choice-and-pro-life/ &quot;Moving Beyond &quot;Pro-Choice&quot; and &quot;Pro-Life&quot; - PRRI&quot;]. (01.10.2013)

* How to explain this contradiction? In the survey, a majority of respondents reported that abortion should be legal, but a similar number also agreed that it was immoral. Nearly 6-in-10 (58%) also agreed that at least some health care professionals in their community should provide legal abortions. And Americans’ perspectives on when abortion should be permissible vary widely: strong majorities agree that a woman should be able to obtain a legal abortion if the women’s physical health (86%) or mental health (74%) is seriously endangered by the pregnancy, if she became pregnant as the result of rape (79%), or if there is a strong chance of defect in the baby (66%). They are decidedly more divided on other circumstances, as the accompanying chart shows. &lt;br&gt; Support for legal abortion hasn’t wavered much over the past four decades, but it also hasn’t increased. Compare this to the dramatic shift in public opinion on same-sex marriage over the past ten years, and recent claims that “pro-choice” advocates are losing the war over abortion start to make sense. On the other hand, as Collins, who is herself pro-choice, points out, Americans continue to reject extreme positions on abortion at the ballot box. The doomed Senate campaigns of Todd Akin and Richard Mourdock serve as blunt reminders for public officials who take such stands. &lt;br&gt; Analyzing Americans’ perspectives on abortion inevitably lead to contradictions, and we’re frequently distracted by allegiance to the “pro-choice” and “pro-life” labels. If the polling data shows us anything, it’s that Americans’ complex attitudes toward abortion can’t be answered in one question. Maybe it’s time to stop trying.
** Amelia Thomson-DeVeaux, [https://www.prri.org/spotlight/moving-beyond-pro-choice-and-pro-life/ &quot;Moving Beyond &quot;Pro-Choice&quot; and &quot;Pro-Life&quot; - PRRI&quot;]. (01.10.2013)

* Most respondents to a survey of abortion patients in 1987 said that more than one factor had contributed to their decision to have an abortion; the mean number of reasons was nearly four. Three-quarters said that having a baby would interfere with work, school or other responsibilities, about two-thirds said they could not afford to have a child and half said they did not want to be a single parent or had relationship problems. A multivariate analysis showed young teenagers to be 32 percent more likely than women 18 or over to say they were not mature enough to raise a child and 19 percent more likely to say their parents wanted them to have an abortion. Unmarried women were 17 percent more likely than currently married women to choose abortion to prevent others from knowing they had had sex or became pregnant. Of women who had an abortion at 16 or more weeks' gestation, 71 percent attributed their delay to not having realized they were pregnant or not having known soon enough the actual gestation of their pregnancy. Almost half were delayed because of trouble in arranging the abortion, usually because they needed time to raise money. One-third did not have an abortion earlier because they were afraid to tell their partner or parents that they were pregnant. A multivariate analysis revealed that respondents under age 18 were 39 percent more likely than older women to have delayed because they were afraid to tell their parents or partner. 
** Torres, Aida; Forrest, Jacqueline Darroch (July–August 1988). [https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/3243347/ &quot;Why Do Women Have Abortions?&quot;]. Family Planning Perspectives. 20 (4): 169–76. doi:10.2307/2135792. JSTOR 2135792. PMID 3243347. S2CID 25224865. 

* In Lubbock, the focus was on abortion and the ordinance that reads: “It shall be unlawful for any person to procure or perform an abortion of any type and at any stage of pregnancy in the City of Lubbock, Texas.” &lt;br&gt; Those arguing against the local ordinance say it is unconstitutional and unenforceable. The Lubbock City Council said it was unconstitutional when the seven members unanimously voted it down. It’s on the ballot by way of a citizen-led petition. Many local officials there believe that if it passes, lawsuits will follow. &lt;br&gt; Proponents of the ordinance view it as the new tool in their efforts to ban abortions. They say the abortion debate — long a heated discussion in national and state politics — is now a local issue. 
** Wire Reports, [https://www.dallasnews.com/news/politics/2021/05/01/lubbocks-sanctuary-city-for-the-unborn-ordinance-appears-headed-for-passage/ &quot;Lubbock's Sanctuary City for the Unborn ordinance wins passage by wide margin&quot;]. Dallas News. (May 1, 2021) 

* Planned Parenthood opened again in Lubbock last year, and abortion services are being made available at the Lubbock clinic. Planned Parenthood also offers in-person and telemedicine services such as breast and cervical cancer screenings, birth control, annual wellness checks, HIV and STI tests, and other healthcare services. &lt;br&gt; The ordinance says it shall be an affirmative defense to the unlawful acts if an abortion was in response to a life-threatening physical condition arising from a pregnancy. There are no exemptions for instances of rape or incest.
** Wire Reports, [https://www.dallasnews.com/news/politics/2021/05/01/lubbocks-sanctuary-city-for-the-unborn-ordinance-appears-headed-for-passage/ &quot;Lubbock's Sanctuary City for the Unborn ordinance wins passage by wide margin&quot;]. Dallas News. (May 1, 2021) 

* Jack Qu’emi Gutiérrez was a 20-year-old college student in a self-described “shitty relationship” when they found out they were pregnant. &lt;br&gt; It was 2011 and Gutiérrez, a nonbinary person who uses the pronouns they/them, had to pool all their money at the time to pay the $500 to get the abortion pill. Even though Gutiérrez chose to have a medication abortion (“I didn’t want a bunch of people in my crotch”), they were still forced to undergo two trans-vaginal ultrasounds before obtaining the abortion pill.  &lt;br&gt; “I felt very, very much alone,” Gutiérrez told HuffPost. “I didn’t have any frame of reference for what an abortion would be like, period. Not to mention what an abortion would be like as a nonbinary person.” &lt;br&gt; Although Gutiérrez went to Planned Parenthood, they were constantly misgendered and there was no option for preferred pronouns or name on the intake form. 
** Vagianos, Alanna, [https://www.huffpost.com/entry/women-arent-the-only-people-who-get-abortions_n_5cf55540e4b0e346ce8286d3 &quot;Women Aren't The Only People Who Get Abortions&quot;], ''HuffPost'', (2019-06-06). 

* Make no mistake: The abortion bans are absolutely an attack on cis women. It’s part of a larger war on women that’s been raging for decades, and it’s deeply rooted in misogyny and sexism. But these bans also affect transgender, intersex and other gender-nonconforming people.  &lt;br&gt; Cazembe Murphy Jackson, a transgender man, said his abortion experience was similar to Gutiérrez’s. Jackson was raped his junior year in college and, six weeks later, had to take out a loan to get an abortion at a Planned Parenthood in Texas.  &lt;br&gt; “It was awkward because people were not competent around trans masculine folks getting abortions. One of the first questions I got was, ‘Is this [abortion] for your partner?’” he said.
** Vagianos, Alanna, [https://www.huffpost.com/entry/women-arent-the-only-people-who-get-abortions_n_5cf55540e4b0e346ce8286d3 &quot;Women Aren't The Only People Who Get Abortions&quot;], ''HuffPost'', (2019-06-06). 

* No issue since the [[Vietnam]] conflict or maybe since [[Prohibition]], has so plagued the American moral conscience as has abortion. The 1973 Supreme Court ruling on ''Roe v. Wade'' has plunged this county into what seems to be an endless-and nearly hopeless-polarization of extreme positions such that the American public has begun to lose confidence that any moral middle ground can be found. Many in society are numbed by the frequent revision of abortion laws at the federal and state levels, congressional proposals to prevent legal constraints on abortion, Republican executive attempts to establish “gag rules,” and the latter’s recent reversal by President Clinton. We are told in nearly every survey that a majority of the American people believes that the Supreme Court went too far when it granted a Fourteenth Amendment right to abortion. The abortion of 1.6 million fetuses each year becomes even more complex and debatable when public funds are used to finance these medical procedures. 
** [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Contemporary_Issues_in_Bioethics/-_EkrjUVTGMC?hl=en&amp;gbpv=1 “Contemporary Issues in Bioethics a Catholic Perspective”], James J. Walter, ‎Thomas A. Shannon, (2005), Ch.9, Theological Parameters: Catholic Doctrine on Abortion in a Pluralist Society, James J. Walter, p.145

* In 2014, abortion rates were the lowest they’d been since abortion became legal nationwide in 1973. Still, 2.8 million US women confronted unintended pregnancy in 2011, and 42% of them chose to terminate those pregnancies. If the low 2014 abortion rate holds steady, 1 in 4 American women will have an abortion before menopause. Calling the vast majority of these procedures elective is a cavalier way to dismiss the aspirations and disparage the judgment of the almost 1 million American women who ask for this procedure every year.
** Watson, Katie (December 20, 2019). [https://journalofethics.ama-assn.org/article/why-we-should-stop-using-term-elective-abortion/2018-12 &quot;Why We Should Stop Using the Term &quot;Elective Abortion&quot;&quot;]. ''AMA Journal of Ethics''. 20 (12): 1175-1180.

* When the Republican national convention convened in Kansas City in 1976, the party's pro-choice majority did not expect a significant challenge to their views on abortion. Public opinion polls showed that Republican voters were, on average, more pro-choice than their Democratic counterparts, a view that the convention delegates shared; fewer than 40 percent of the delegates considered themselves pro-life.1 The chair of the Republican National Committee, Mary Louise Smith, supported abortion rights, as did First Lady Betty Ford, who declared Roe v. Wade a “great, great decision.” Likewise, Vice President Nelson Rockefeller, who had taken a leading role in the fight for abortion rights in New York in the late 1960s and early 1970s, was solidly pro-choice. Even some of the party's conservatives, such as Senator Barry Goldwater, supported abortion rights. But in spite of the Republican Party's pro-choice leadership, the GOP adopted a platform in 1976 that promised an antiabortion constitutional amendment. The party's leadership viewed the measure as a temporary political ploy that would increase the GOP's appeal among traditionally Democratic Catholics, but the platform statement instead became a rallying cry for social conservatives who used the plank to build a religiously based coalition in the GOP and drive out many of the pro-choice Republicans who had initially adopted the platform. By 2009, only 26 percent of Republicans were pro-choice. 
**  Williams, Daniel (January 1, 2011). [https://muse.jhu.edu/article/461985/pdf  &quot;The GOP's Abortion Strategy: Why Pro-Choice Republicans Became Pro-Life in the 1970s&quot;]. Journal of Policy History. Cambridge University Press. 23 (4): 513–539. doi:10.1017/S0898030611000285. S2CID 154353515. Retrieved March 3, 2021. 

* The Catholic campaign against abortion legalization in the United States began as a human rights cause that was rooted in the assumptions of New Deal liberalism. At the time of the New Deal, abortion was illegal throughout the nation except when it was necessary to save a woman’s life, and the sale of contraception was still illegal in some states. Although the laws against abortion and contraception had been passed in the late nineteenth century, long before the rise of New Deal liberalism, Catholics viewed this legislation as evidence of a concern for human life that they thought accorded well with the principles of the New Deal social welfare state. Thus, when a few non-Catholic doctors began calling for the liberalization of abortion laws in the 1930s, and when a much larger number of Protestants and Jews advocated the repeal of the laws against birth control, Catholics reacted against both campaigns by appealing to the values of New Deal liberalism.
** Daniel K. Williams, [https://www.mdpi.com/2077-1444/6/2/451/htm “The Partisan Trajectory of the American Pro-Life Movement: How a Liberal Catholic Campaign Became a Conservative Evangelical Cause”], Religions 2015, 6(2), 451-475, “The Liberal Origins of the Pro-Life Cause”; (Received: 25 February 2015 / Revised: 2 April 2015 / Accepted: 3 April 2015 / Published: 16 April 2015) 

* Because the initial abortion law liberalization campaigns of the mid-to-late 1960s sought only modest changes in state abortion laws in order to allow abortion in cases of rape and incest, suspected fetal deformity, and dangers to the health of the mother, few Protestants—and even fewer evangelicals—joined the right-to-life campaign to lobby against these early liberalization proposals. Having recently rejected the Catholic position on contraception (evangelicals had once opposed birth control, but they generally accepted it after the early 1960s), they were reluctant to endorse a Catholic-led antiabortion campaign that seemed to rely on the same natural-law arguments that Catholics had used against contraceptives.
** Daniel K. Williams, [https://www.mdpi.com/2077-1444/6/2/451/htm “The Partisan Trajectory of the American Pro-Life Movement: How a Liberal Catholic Campaign Became a Conservative Evangelical Cause”], Religions 2015, 6(2), 451-475, “Why Evangelicals Became Concerned about Abortion”; (Received: 25 February 2015 / Revised: 2 April 2015 / Accepted: 3 April 2015 / Published: 16 April 2015)  	

* When abortion law reformers ceased calling for a modest liberalization of existing abortion laws and began demanding a repeal of almost all restrictions on abortion, some evangelicals reacted in horror and decided that the right-to-life movement was worthy of more consideration than they had initially thought. The removal of almost all legal restrictions on first and second-trimester abortions in New York in 1970 was particularly troubling, since it quickly led to nearly 200,000 legal abortions per year in New York’s hospitals. Two months after the enactment of New York’s new abortion policy, Christianity Today published an editorial titled, “War on the Womb,” which argued, for the first time, that human personhood probably began “at the very moment or very soon after the sperm and egg meet” [97]. In previous editorials, Christianity Today, like other evangelical magazines, had avoided taking the Catholic position that human life began at conception, but its outrage over “abortion on demand” pushed it closer to the Catholic view. The magazine no longer published editorials endorsing abortion in exceptional circumstances. In 1971, it encouraged readers to join right-to-life organizations—even though these organizations, at the time, were overwhelmingly Catholic.
** Daniel K. Williams, [https://www.mdpi.com/2077-1444/6/2/451/htm “The Partisan Trajectory of the American Pro-Life Movement: How a Liberal Catholic Campaign Became a Conservative Evangelical Cause”], Religions 2015, 6(2), 451-475, “Why Evangelicals Became Concerned about Abortion”; (Received: 25 February 2015 / Revised: 2 April 2015 / Accepted: 3 April 2015 / Published: 16 April 2015)  

=== &quot;Blue Hill is second Nebraska town to outlaw abortion in city limits&quot;  (April 15, 2021) ===
&lt;small&gt; [https://www.1011now.com/2021/04/15/blue-hill-is-second-nebraska-town-to-outlaw-abortion-in-city-limits/ &quot;Blue Hill is second Nebraska town to outlaw abortion in city limits&quot;]. www.1011now.com. (April 15, 2021). &lt;/small&gt;
* The City of Blue Hill, Nebraska (population 941) has become the 25th city in the nation, and the second city in Nebraska, to pass an enforceable ordinance outlawing abortion within their city limits. The vote of the Blue Hill City Council was a unanimous 3-0 vote. One council member was absent for part of the meeting and missed the actual vote, but he says he was supportive of the decision of the City Council, and proud to stand with the council’s three “Yes” votes. The ordinance, which immediately outlaws abortion, also declares the abortion pill contraband in Blue Hill, Nebraska. &lt;br&gt; Blue Hill City Council member say the vote lives up to the phrase on the official seal of the City of Blue Hill, which reads, “Preserving Our Heritage for Future Generations.”
* “When someone brought this issue to my attention, and I was urged to ‘Add us to the list.’ I wasn’t sure it was necessary for small-town Blue Hill. Would anyone ever open an abortion clinic here? Probably not, but I’ve learned being proactive is much easier than being reactive. Today, more than ever, we must strive for a better tomorrow, or society will suppress and surpass us. I think the future of Blue Hill is in good hands with a council that unanimously votes to prohibit abortion within their city limits.” &lt;br&gt; Blue Hill Mayor Keri Schunk 
* The vote to outlaw abortion came one day after the Food and Drug Administration’s Acting Commissioner Janet Woodcock sent a letter to the American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology indicating that the FDA intends to “exercise enforcement discretion” in the dispensing of the abortion pill by mail during the COVID-19 pandemic. &lt;br&gt; The pro-abortion American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology praised the FDA announcing in a press release, “ACOG applauds the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) for acknowledging the strong safety and efficacy profile of mifepristone for termination of early pregnancy. By halting enforcement of the in-person dispensing requirement during the COVID-19 pandemic, the FDA is recognizing and responding to the available evidence—which has clearly and definitively demonstrated that the in-person dispensing requirement for mifepristone is unnecessary and restrictive.” The press release goes on to say that “ACOG has for years advocated for the FDA to remove the in-person dispensing requirement for mifepristone.”
* “Nebraska is a pro-life state, and communities are working to recognize and protect innocent life in a variety of ways. The Biden-Harris Administration is pushing a radical, pro-abortion agenda, and Nebraska must do everything we can to stand against the abortion lobby.” &lt;br&gt; Governor Pete Ricketts (Ne-R)

=== “Providing abortion pills before patients need them could enable earlier care” (December 6, 2021) ===
&lt;small&gt; [https://www.ansirh.org/research/research/providing-abortion-pills-patients-need-them-could-enable-earlier-care “Providing abortion pills before patients need them could enable earlier care”], (December 6, 2021)  &lt;/small&gt;
* ANSIRH researchers Katherine Ehrenreich, M. Antonia Biggs, and Daniel Grossman authored an editorial in BMJ Sexual &amp; Reproductive Health exploring the potential for clinicians to provide medication abortion pills to patients before they are pregnant, a model called “advance provision.” Doing so would enable patients to have the pills on hand when necessary, enabling earlier access to care. &lt;br&gt; The authors believe the model holds potential and merits further study—particularly considering the United States’ current political environment. The model would effectively shorten the time between the decision to have an abortion and obtaining care to zero days.
* The authors note that state legislatures have implemented restrictions, including Texas’ recent SB 8, that have increased the distance to the nearest provider for many people, sometimes requiring hundreds of miles of travel. Hurdles posed by travel are often compounded by additional concerns, such as childcare, job obligations, and mandatory waiting periods. These, in turn, lengthen the delay between a patient’s initial need for an abortion and their treatment. But even in settings where there is good access to care in the United States, there is inevitably some time between the first call to the clinic and the in-person appointment to obtain medication abortion.  &lt;br&gt; The authors outline a potential approach to the advance provision model, with clinicians screening patients for some contraindications to medication abortion prior to pregnancy in addition to providing any necessary education. The research team sees advance provision as a “complete care model,” which would also include access to necessary follow-up care in case of complications, ongoing pregnancy, or incomplete abortion.
* At the same time, the researchers acknowledge possible challenges with the model, including self-administration at inappropriate times and medication diversion. It is unlikely, too, that advance provision could be adopted in all U.S. states. &lt;br&gt; Still, studies on its safety and how patients can use the medications with limited clinician oversight could provide contributory evidence toward an eventual move toward over-the-counter availability of mifepristone and misoprostol for medication abortion.
* Ehrenreich, Biggs, and Grossman write: &lt;br&gt; &quot;While a future landscape of medication abortion may include telemedicine and mail-order pharmacy dispensing, advance provision may be a preferable option for those who would continue to face barriers to care, including those travelling to areas with limited options for safe abortion.&quot;

=== &quot;The Right to Choose at 25: Looking Back and Ahead&quot; ===
&lt;small&gt; [https://www.aclu.org/other/right-choose-25-looking-back-and-ahead?redirect=right-choose-25-looking-back-and-ahead &quot;The Right to Choose at 25: Looking Back and Ahead&quot;]. www.aclu.org. Retrieved October 5, 2015. &lt;/small&gt;
* On January 22, 1973, the United States Supreme Court announced its landmark rulings that legalized abortion, Roe v. Wade and Doe v. Bolton. Two days later, a New York Times editorial predicted that the decisions offered &quot;a sound foundation for final and reasonable resolution&quot; of the abortion debate. Yet, in fact, the struggle that had resulted in the Supreme Court victories was far from over. Few in 1973 could have anticipated how explosive the issue of abortion would become and how difficult the right would be to retain. Nor could anyone then have known how much the availability of safe legal abortion would contribute to women's social, economic, and political advancement in the next quarter of a century. 
* Abortion was not, in fact, illegal in most states until the second half of the nineteenth century. Before then, medical experts and other commentators believed that abortion was commonly sought and widely available. By their estimates, there was one abortion for every four live births. &lt;br&gt; But from the mid-nineteenth century, opposition to abortion began to emerge from several directions. Physicians charged their competitors -- mid- wives and folk healers -- with performing too frequent and unsafe abortions; the newly formed professional organizations of physicians sought criminal bans. A vocal group of native-born, white Americans condemned abortion as &quot;race suicide&quot; because it lowered their birth rate at a time when they feared being outnumbered by immigrants. Still others, reacting to the new movement for women's suffrage and other rights, worried that continuing access to abortion would permit women to stray from their traditional roles as wives and mothers. As a result of these converging sentiments, by the end of the century every state had enacted a law criminalizing abortion. Most made an exception only for abortions undertaken to preserve a woman's life.  &lt;br&gt; These laws did not end abortion but merely sent it underground. The unsafe and unsanitary practice of illegal abortion maimed and killed thousands of women. Finally, in the 1960s, an outcry arose to make abortion legal again. The outcry came from doctors, legal reformers, clergy, and women themselves. The ACLU was in the forefront of this movement. 
* Led into the struggle by board members like Dorothy Kenyon, a feminist lawyer and judge, the ACLU was the first organization to call for a woman's right to choose abortion. Kenyon began pressing the issue as early as 1958, and she persisted until 1967, when the board affirmed &quot;the right of a woman to have an abortion.&quot; She also brought the issue to the public, appearing on television talk shows and in print, where she called for an end to &quot;cruel and unconstitutional abortion laws.&quot;  &lt;br&gt; In 1965, the ACLU filed a friend-of-the-court brief in a landmark case that paved the way for the legalization of abortion. That case, Griswold v. Connecticut, challenged Connecticut's ban on the prescription, sale, or use of contraceptives, even for married couples. In a major legal breakthrough, the Supreme Court decided that restrictions on birth control violated the right to privacy protected by the Constitution. 
* Griswold greatly encouraged the activists who were waging a two-pronged campaign to legalize abortion. On one front, doctors, lawyers, clergy, and women called for the reform or repeal of state abortion laws. In the mid-1960s, the New York Civil Liberties Union helped organize a campaign to repeal New York's abortion law. In 1970, New York, Hawaii, Alaska, and Washington became the first states to repeal their abortion laws, making abortion more widely available, although some restrictions remained in effect in all four states. &lt;br&gt; On a second front, legal reformers brought test cases against criminal abortion laws in federal and state courts all over the nation, in the hope that one case would reach the Supreme Court. In 1971, the high court issued its first decision about abortion in U.S. v. Vuitch, a case argued by the ACLU's general counsel, Norman Dorsen. Police had arrested Dr. Milan Vuitch in Washington, D.C., claiming that he had violated the District's law permitting abortions only to preserve a woman's life or health. Dr. Vuitch argued that only a physician, not a prosecutor, could judge when an abortion was necessary to protect a woman's life or health. The Supreme Court did not overturn the statute as Vuitch sought, but it held that the burden of proof should be on a prosecutor who brought charges, not on a doctor. The Court also concluded that &quot;health&quot; should be understood to include considerations of psychological as well as physical well-being.
* The Supreme Court's decisions in Roe v. Wade and Doe v. Bolton had nationwide impact. After the Court ruled the Texas and Georgia abortion laws unconstitutional, no other states could enforce similarly restrictive laws. When the Court made its landmark rulings, it was in step with public opinion. Public attitudes had shifted as a result of the decade-long campaign to legalize abortion. In 1968, only 15 percent of Americans favored liberalizing abortion laws; by 1972, 64 percent did.
* The legalization of abortion has dramatically improved women's health. Abortion services moved from the back alleys into hygienic facilities staffed by health professionals. High-quality training, the ability of professionals openly to share their expertise with one another, and the development of specialized clinics all enhanced the safety of abortion services. In the early part of this century, an estimated 800,000 illegal abortions took place annually, resulting in 8,000 - 17,000 women's deaths each year. Thousands of other women suffered severe consequences short of death, including perforations of the uterus, cervical wounds, serious bleeding, infections, poisoning, shock, and gangrene. After legalization, deaths as a result of abortion greatly declined. In 1991, for example, 11 women died as the result of complications arising in legal abortions. Today, one death occurs in every 167,000 legal abortions, compared with one in every 30,000 in 1973.  &lt;br&gt; Once Roe made it possible to obtain safe legal abortions, women have been having abortions earlier in their pregnancies when the health risks are the lowest. In 1973, only 38 percent of abortions were performed at or before eight weeks of pregnancy; in 1997, this percentage has risen to 52, and 89 percent of all abortions occur in the first 12 weeks. Only one percent takes place after 21 weeks. Today, abortion is one of the most commonly performed surgical procedures and is ten times safer than carrying a pregnancy to term. 
* Since the landmark decisions of 1973, the ACLU Reproductive Freedom Project and our sister organizations have worked continuously to defend and expand reproductive rights. Our greatest challenge has been to try to assure that the right to choose extends to those whose lack of political power makes them easy targets for lawmakers: low-income women and young women. The Supreme Court held in 1980 that the federal constitution permits the government to withhold Medicaid funds for virtually all abortions, while continuing to fund all other medically necessary services, including prenatal care and childbirth. Yet bans on public funding for abortion rob low-income women of the right to choose by depriving them of the means to exercise their choice. We therefore turned to the state constitutions in an effort to restore low-income women's rights. A case won on state constitutional grounds provides strong protection for choice because it is insulated from federal constitutional review and is therefore unaffected by any erosion of the federal right to choose. Because the ACLU and its allies have succeeded in forestalling or overturning a number of funding bans in key states, 40 percent of Medicaid-eligible women once again have abortion coverage. 
* In 1997, for the second time, the anti-choice majority in Congress passed the so-called &quot;Partial-Birth Abortion Ban Act.&quot; For the second time, President Clinton vetoed it. Congress is again set to attempt to override the President's veto.  &lt;br&gt; By making physicians fearful of performing safe, common methods of abortion, the ban would seriously endanger women's health. 
* Every year, anti-choice legislators in Congress target the appropriations bills that fund the various agencies of the federal government and attach amendments that largely prohibit the use of federal funds for abortions. As a result, millions of people who rely on the government for their health care have been denied abortion coverage. They include most Medicaid recipients, federal employees and their dependents, military personnel and their dependents, Native American women, federal prisoners, and low-income residents of Washington, D.C. 

=== &quot;Report of the APA Task Force on Mental Health and Abortion&quot; (13 August 2008) ===
&lt;small&gt; &quot;Report of the APA Task Force on Mental Health and Abortion&quot; (PDF). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association. 13 August 2008. [https://web.archive.org/web/20100615020211/http:/apa.org/pi/women/programs/abortion/mental-health.pdf Archived] (PDF) from the original on 15 June 2010. &lt;/small&gt;
* Although the U.S. Supreme Court legalized abortion in the United States more than 35 years ago (Roe v. Wade, 1973), it continues to generate enormous emotional moral, and legal controversy. Over the last two decades, one aspect of this controversy has focused on the effects of abortion of women’s mental health. Public debate on this issue can be traced to 1987, when then President Ronald Reagan directed then-Surgeon  General C. Everett Koop to prepare a Surgeon General’s report on the public health effect (both psychological and physical) of abortion. After conducting a comprehensive review of the scientific literature, Dr. Koon declined to issue a report; instead, he sent a letter to President Reagan on January 9, 1989, in which he concluded that the available research was inadequate to support any scientific findings about the psychological consequences caused by abortion. In subsequent testimony before Congress, Dr. Koop stated that his letter did not focus on the physical health risks of abortion because “obstetricians and gynecologists had long since concluded that the physical sequelae of abortion were no different than those found in women who carried to term or who had never been pregnant”. Dr. Koop also testified that although psychological responses following abortion can be “overwhelming to a given individual,” the psychological risks following abortion were “miniscule” from a public health perspective.
** p.5

* Almost all abortions (92% according to the 2002 National Survey of Family Growth) in the United States are of unintended pregnancies, pregnancies that are not induced for therapeutic reasons. A late term induced abortion of an intended pregnancy may have very different implications for mental health than a first-trimester induced abortion of an unintended pregnancy.
** p.7

* ”How prevalent are mental health problems among women in the United States who have had an abortion?” This question focused attention on the extent to which abortion poses a threat to women’s mental health, i.e., is associated with a clinically significant mental disorder (see Wilmoth et al., 1992 for a discussion of this issue). In order to answer this question, research must have several key characteristics. First, the research must be based on samples of women representative of the women to whom one wants to generalize. Thus, to address whether abortion poses a threat to the mental health of women in the United States requires a study based on a nationally representative sample of women in the United States. Highly selected samples, biased samples, samples with considerable attrition or underreporting, or samples of women in other cultures and social contexts are not appropriate for answering this question. As will be discussed below, sampling problems are a serious concern in abortion research. Second, an adequate answer to the prevalence question also requires a clearly defined and agreed-ipon definition of a “mental health problem” and a valid, reliable, and agreed-upon measurement of that problem. Feelings of sadness or regret with the normal range of emotion are not clearly defined and agreed-upon mental health problems. Mental health outcomes that meet established criteria for clinically significant disorders are. Third, researchers must know the prevalence of the same mental health problem in the general population of U.S. women who share characteristics similar to the abortion group, e.g., women who are of a similar age and demographic profile. Such information is essential for interpreting the significance of findings. For example, if 15% of women in a nationally representative sample who had an abortion were found to meet diagnostic criteria for depression, the meaning of this would be more a cause for concern is the base rate for clinical depression among women in the general population f a similar age and demographic profile was 5% than if it was 25%.
** p.8

* Women obtain abortions for different reasons. The vast majority of abortions are of unintended pregnancies-either mistimed pregnancies that would have been wanted at an earlier or latter date or unwanted pregnancies that were not wanted at that time or at any time in the future. Approximately half of women in the United States will face an unintended pregnancy during their lifetime, and about half of those who unintentionally become pregnancy resolve the pregnancy through abortion. The reasons that women most frequently cite for terminating a pregnancy  include not being ready to care for a child (or another child) at that time, financial inability to care for a  child, concern for or responsibility to others (especially concerns related to caring for a future child and/or for existing children), desire to avoid single parenthood, relationship problems, and feeling too young or immature to raise a child. Some pregnancies are terminated because they are a consequence of rape or incest. Very few (&lt;1%) women cite coercion from others as a major reason for their abortion. A very small percentage of abortion are of planned and wanted pregnancies. Women who terminate wanted pregnancies typically do so because of fetal anomalies or risks to their own health.
** p.9

* Unwanted pregnancy and abortion do not occur in a social vacuum. The current sociopolitical climate of the United States stigmatizes some women who have pregnancies (e.g., teen mothers) as well as women who have abortions. It also stigmatizes the nurses and physicians who provide abortions. From a sociocultural perspective, social practices and messages that stigmatize women who have abortions may directly contribute to negative psychological experiences post abortion. &lt;br&gt; The psychological implications of stigma are profound. Experimental studies have established that stigmatization can create negative cognitions, emotions, and behavioral reactions that can adversely affect social, psychological, and biological functioning. Effects, and behavioral reactions that can adversely affect social, psychological, and biological functioning. Effects of perceived stigma include cognitive and performance deficits, increased alcohol consumption, social withdrawal and avoidance, increased depression and anxiety, and increased physiological stress responses. Societal stigma is particularly pernicious when it leads to “internalized stigma associated with abortion (e.g., who see themselves as tainted, flawed, or morally deficient) are likely to be particularly vulnerable to later psychological distress.
** pp.11-12

=== &quot;Maine expands list of abortion providers&quot; (June 10, 2019) ===
&lt;small&gt; &quot;Maine expands list of abortion providers&quot;. Associated Press. June 10, 2019. [https://web.archive.org/web/20190611000525/https:/apnews.com/6312d83a180c41fab98e8282e3336321 Archived] from the original on June 11, 2019. &lt;/small&gt;
* AUGUSTA, Maine (AP) — Maine is making it easier to get an abortion with the governor’s signing of a bill Monday to allow medical professionals who are not doctors to perform the procedure. &lt;br&gt; The bill, which Democratic Gov. Janet Mills introduced herself, will go into effect 90 days after the Legislature adjourns, which is expected in mid-June. &lt;br&gt; Maine is now set to allow nurse practitioners, physician assistants and certified nurse-midwives to provide abortion medication and perform in-clinic abortions, which typically involve suction. &lt;br&gt; Maine joins other Democrat-led states moving to protect and in some cases expand abortion rights as GOP-led states push tighter restrictions .
* “Maine is defending the rights of women and taking a step toward equalizing access to care as other states are seeking to undermine, rollback, or outright eliminate these services,” Mills said.
* Maine will be the second state after California with a law allowing non-doctors to perform in-clinic abortions, according to Maine’s Office of Policy and Legal Analysis. Nearly two dozen states, including Vermont and New Hampshire, have expanded their list of abortion-medication providers following court or agency rulings.
* Abortion rights groups including Planned Parenthood for years have fought against physician-only laws. This year, groups are trying to strike down the bans in Idaho, Virginia, Maine, Wisconsin and Arizona. &lt;br&gt; Critics said they are concerned that some non-doctors lack the training to handle rare but major complications from abortion procedures, such as hemorrhages. &lt;br&gt; “Expanding who is allowed to perform an abortion does not expand the safety of the procedure,” Republican state Sen. Stacey Guerin has said. &lt;br&gt; But supporters have argued that abortion is one of the safest medical procedures. Nurse practitioners and physician assistants testified that Maine’s restriction is outdated.

=== “Thy Kingdom Come” (June 26, 2006) ===
&lt;small&gt; Randall Herbert Balmer, [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Thy_Kingdom_Come/vlzhyEqbqa8C?hl=en&amp;gbpv=1&amp;printsec=frontcover “Thy Kingdom Come”], (June 26, 2006) &lt;/small&gt;
* Why, then, is the Religious Right, which claims allegiance to the scriptures, not working to outlaw divorce? &lt;br&gt; The answer, I suspect, is that the issue of abortion has served the Religious Right very effectively for more than two decades. Although the Religious Right was slow to pick up on abortion as a political issue, it proved to be a potent one for them during the 1980s, in part because Reagan championed the pro-life cause-despite the fact that as governor of California, he had signed into law a bill legalizing abortion. Reagan kept the antiabortion rhetoric alive throughout his presidency, repeatedly promising an amendment to the Constitution that would outlaw abortion. He never delivered on that promise: nor did his vice president and successor as president, George H.W. Bush, who in 1980 has campaigned against Reagan for his party’s presidential nomination as a pro-choice Republican. Although both men coveted the support of the Religious Right, neither made good on his promise to outlaw abortion.  
** Chapter One: Strange Bedfellows, p.11

* The real question for the Religious right and the Republican party is how serious they are about reducing (and even eliminating) abortion itself, especially when everyone acknowledges that legal sanctions will not work. Wouldn’t the energies of the Religious right be more productively directed toward campaigns to encourage abstinence, contraception, and adoption, similar to campaigns directed against smoking or alcohol and spousal abuse? Even better, the Religious Right want to consider the links between abortion rates and the availability of contraception or the economic plight of mothers-to-be facing medical and child-care costs. Surely such initiatives would do more than a legal ban to make abortion rare and unthinkable. The Religious Right might also want to consider the fat that by the time Bill Clinton, a defender of reproductive choice, left office, the abortion rate had fallen to its lowest level since 1974, a year after the ''Roe'' decision. &lt;br&gt; Curiously although the leaders of the Religious Right have been advocating a legal ban on abortion at least since 1980, they have been remarkably silent about the details of their proposals. Will gynecologists  be required to report every fertilized egg implanted in the uterus to some government registry so  that each pregnancy can be monitored? Which agency would be responsible for such oversight-the federal Bureau of Investigation or some new entity? (Given the Religious Right’s professed aversion to government, the latter option seems unlikely). Will the government require that a law-enforcement official be present at every obstetrics examination, or merely somewhere on the premises? Will it be a federal, state, or local official?  What about miscarriages? How will officials determine whether or not a miscarriage occurred naturally?
** pp.19-20

* My party, the Democratic Party, has utterly botched the abortion issue, I’ll not deny that. In their efforts to assert the importance of women’s rights and prerogatives, many Democrats have elevated abortion to an intrinsic entitlement and, in so doing, have refused to acknowledge the moral implications of abortion itself. This imperious position has alienated key constituencies once associated with the Democratic Party, especially Roman Catholics. It has also functioned to marginalize many evangelical voters in the Democratic Party-on that issue alone. 
** p.21

=== &quot;Supreme Court to review ruling on Louisiana abortion law&quot; (October 4, 2019) ===
&lt;small&gt; Barnes, Robert (October 4, 2019). [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/courts_law/supreme-court-to-review-ruling-on-louisiana-abortion-law/2019/10/04/85eaf2b0-e6ab-11e9-a6e8-8759c5c7f608_story.html &quot;Supreme Court to review ruling on Louisiana abortion law&quot;]. The Washington Post. &lt;/small&gt;
* The Supreme Court said Friday that it will review a restrictive Louisiana abortion law, providing the first opportunity for a conservative majority reinforced by President Trump’s two appointees to begin reconsidering the court’s abortion rights landscape. &lt;br&gt; In the coming months, the court will examine whether the state’s 2014 law requiring doctors at abortion clinics to have admitting privileges at nearby hospitals unduly burdens women’s access to abortion. Practitioners have said the law would force most of Louisiana’s abortion clinics to close, leaving only one doctor eligible to perform the procedure. &lt;br&gt; It is almost identical to a Texas law struck down by the Supreme Court in 2016. Now-retired justice Anthony M. Kennedy joined the court’s four liberals to form a majority in what was its most important endorsement of abortion rights in 25 years.
*“The Supreme Court now has a chance in this case to reconsider, reverse, and return Roe v. Wade and the issue of abortion to the American people, which is long overdue,” Students for Life of America President Kristan Hawkins said in a statement. “States should absolutely have the right to pass their own health and safety standards designed to protect women inside abortion vendors.”
* “Access to abortion is hanging by a thread in this country, and this case is what could snap that thread,” Alexis McGill Johnson, acting president of Planned Parenthood Federation of America, said in a statement. “There’s only one reason the court would not strike down the Louisiana law and that is because Justice Kennedy, who voted to protect abortion access just three years ago, has been replaced with Justice Kavanaugh. This is what we’ve warned about.”
* The court’s 2016 decision in the Texas case, Whole Woman’s Health v. Hellerstedt, said the admitting-privileges requirement “provides few, if any, health benefits for women, poses a substantial obstacle to women seeking abortions, and constitutes an ‘undue burden’ on their constitutional right to do so.” &lt;br&gt; Hospitalization after an abortion is rare, all sides agree, and the lack of admitting privileges by the doctor who performed the procedure is not a bar to the woman getting needed medical care. The court’s opinion said there are numerous reasons doctors might not be able to attain admitting privileges at a nearby hospital, including the fact that it is so rare for their clients to need hospitalization.
* Judge Jerry E. Smith, writing for the majority, said that the court complied with the Supreme Court’s decision in Whole Woman’s Health by taking a painstakingly close look at the details. &lt;br&gt; “Unlike in Texas, the [Louisiana law] does not impose a substantial burden on a large fraction of women,” he concluded. &lt;br&gt; He said that the closing of some clinics in Louisiana, as opposed to Texas, would not dramatically increase driving distances and that it was easier for doctors in Louisiana to procure admitting privileges. He said that “at most, only 30 percent of women” seeking abortions in Louisiana would be affected.
* The full 5th Circuit declined to reconsider the panel’s decision, and dissenting judges said their colleagues seemed more intent on giving the Supreme Court a chance to reverse its 2016 ruling than complying with it. &lt;br&gt; “I am unconvinced that any justice of the Supreme Court who decided Whole Woman’s Health would endorse our opinion,” Judge Stephen A. Higginson wrote in his dissent. “The majority would not, and I respectfully suggest that the dissenters might not either.”
* “Louisiana has tried everything under the sun to decimate access to abortion care,” said Kathaleen Pittman, clinic administrator at Hope Medical Group, one of the plaintiffs. “The situation here is already dire and this law would be the last straw for most of the remaining clinics. We’re hopeful that the court will recognize how devastating this law would be for women in our state.”
* Louisiana Attorney General Jeff Landry (R) had also asked the court to review the decision. He wants the justices to decide that abortion providers don’t have the legal standing to challenge laws such as the one the Louisiana legislature passed. &lt;br&gt; “The evidence of Louisiana abortion clinics’ poor safety records, inadequate credentialing practices, and questionable efforts to undermine health and safety regulations shows that the abortion clinics’ interests are directly adverse to the interests of Louisiana women,” Landry said in a statement. “Incompetent and unsafe providers should not be allowed to challenge health and safety standards designed to protect women from those very providers.”

=== &quot;Justice Department sues Texas to block six-week abortion ban&quot; (September 9, 2021) ===
&lt;small&gt; Barrett, Devlin; Marimow, Ann E. (September 9, 2021). [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/courts_law/texas-abortion-justice-lawsuit/2021/09/09/5d3eae0a-117a-11ec-9cb6-bf9351a25799_story.html &quot;Justice Department sues Texas to block six-week abortion ban&quot;]. The Washington Post. &lt;/small&gt;
* The suit filed by the Justice Department in federal court in Austin asks a judge to “protect the rights that Texas has violated” by declaring the abortion law unconstitutional and issuing an injunction blocking its enforcement. At a news conference, Attorney General Merrick Garland said the ban “is clearly unconstitutional under long-standing Supreme Court precedent.” &lt;br&gt; “This kind of scheme to nullify the Constitution of the United States is one that all Americans, whatever their politics or party, should fear,” said Garland, warning that what he called the “bounty hunter” element of the law may become “a model for action in other areas by other states and with respect to other constitutional rights or judicial precedents.” The U.S. government, Garland added, has a responsibility “to ensure that no state can deprive individuals of their constitutional rights.”
* A spokeswoman for Texas Gov. Greg Abbott (R) defended the law and accused the Biden administration of acting for political reasons — to distract Americans from the U.S. withdrawal from Afghanistan and the influx of migrants at the U.S.-Mexico border. &lt;br&gt; “We are confident that the courts will uphold and protect that right to life,” press secretary Renae Eze said in a statement.
* The Biden administration’s suit argues that the Texas law violates the 14th Amendment’s due process clause, saying the measure deprives women in Texas of the right to an abortion and imposes an “undue burden” — and that the Constitution generally takes precedence over state laws. &lt;br&gt; The suit also says the measure interferes with the federal government’s constitutional obligation to provide access to abortion, including in cases of rape or incest, to people in the custody or care of federal agencies or government contractors, including at prisons. 
* In its 5-to-4 decision last week, the Supreme Court’s conservative majority said abortion providers and civil rights groups had “raised serious questions regarding the constitutionality of the Texas law.” But the court allowed the ban to take effect while the legal battle plays out, saying the abortion providers and advocates who had challenged the law could not show they were suing the right people. &lt;br&gt; Their lawsuit targeted state court judges and court clerks, who would have to accept lawsuits alleging violations of the ban for those suits to go forward. The majority said it was premature for the court to step in because it is “unclear whether the named defendants can or will seek to enforce the Texas law.”
* Garland said Monday that his agency would do all it could to guarantee access to abortion in Texas. But advocates said the pledge lacked specifics; they urged a direct challenge. &lt;br&gt; Asked Thursday about the intense pressure from Democrats to take action, Garland said the department “does not file lawsuits based on pressure. We carefully evaluated the law and the facts, and this complaint expresses our view of the law and the facts.” &lt;br&gt; The lawsuit seeks to stop not only the state but also private individuals who would bring civil lawsuits to enforce the Texas law. &lt;br&gt; In response, Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton (R) tweeted, “Today the Biden Administration sued every individual in Texas” and said Biden should not meddle in a state’s “sovereign rights.”
* Steve Vladeck, a constitutional law professor at the University of Texas law school, called the lawsuit “an ambitious and powerful” effort “to protect the constitutional rights of citizens.” The question, he said, is whether citizens who try to enforce the law are “agents of the state and therefore subject to the injunction the government is seeking.” &lt;br&gt; “That’s a very broad request for relief,” said Vladeck, who has been publicly critical of the way the law was designed to avoid judicial review, “but also perhaps necessary given the novel and cynical procedural traps Texas created.”
* Biden “is a puppet of the radical abortion agenda, and his DOJ will quickly find that they do not have jurisdiction to stop the Texas Heartbeat Act,” said Elizabeth Graham, vice president of Texas Right to Life. &lt;br&gt; The law is already having an effect. Abortion clinics in Texas say they are abiding by the six-week ban and sending women who are further along in their pregnancies across state lines to seek the procedure. &lt;br&gt; Texas Right to Life, which backed the law, was collecting anonymous tips on its website about potential violations of the law, but so far no lawsuits have been filed against abortion providers in state court.

=== &quot;U.S. Abortion Rate Hits Lowest Point Since 1973&quot; (February 2, 2014) ===
&lt;small&gt; Bassett, Laura (February 2, 2014). [https://www.huffpost.com/entry/abortion-rate-_n_4704986 &quot;U.S. Abortion Rate Hits Lowest Point Since 1973&quot;]. Huffington Post. &lt;/small&gt;
* The U.S. abortion rate dropped significantly from 2008 to 2011 and hit its lowest point since 1973 (the year Roe v. Wade was decided), according to a new report by the Guttmacher Institute. The big drop occurred just prior to an unprecedented wave of state anti-abortion restrictions going into effect.  &lt;br&gt; The rate declined to 16.9 abortions per 1,000 women of reproductive age in 2011, a 13 percent drop from 2008. The rate had peaked in 1981 at 29.3 abortions per 1,000 women -- roughly twice the 2011 rate -- and plateaued at about 19.4 abortions per 1,000 women from 2005 to 2008. 
* Researchers found no evidence that the drop in abortions was related to new legal restrictions on the procedure. The total number of abortion clinics declined only 1 percent between 2008 and 2011, and the number of providers dropped by 4 percent. Rachel Jones, lead author of the study, said the decline had more to do with an increase in contraceptive use.  &lt;br&gt; &quot;The decline in abortions coincided with a steep national drop in overall pregnancy and birth rates,&quot; she said. &quot;Contraceptive use improved during this period, as more women and couples were using highly effective, long-acting reversible contraceptive methods, such as the IUD. Moreover, the recent recession led many women and couples to want to avoid or delay pregnancy and childbearing.”
* According to the latest Guttmacher data, more than half of pregnancies in the United States are unintended, and about 40 percent of unintended pregnancies end in abortion. About three-fourths of women who have abortions say they can't afford a child; three-fourths say having a child would interfere with work, school or the ability to care for other dependents; and half say they do not want to be a single parent or are having problems with their husband or partner.  &lt;br&gt; While the overall abortion rate was declining, the Guttmacher study found that the percentage of medication-induced abortions was increasing relative to surgical abortions among women in their first trimester of pregnancy. Nearly a quarter of nonhospital abortions were early medication procedures in 2011 -- a 6 percent increase from 2008.  &lt;br&gt; “Clearly, the availability of medication abortion does not lead women to have more abortions,” said Jones. “However, it has likely helped women obtain abortion care earlier in pregnancy, as evidenced by a shift toward very early abortions.”
* State legislatures enacted a record number of anti-abortion laws in 2011, including mandatory waiting periods, mandatory ultrasound laws, strict new building requirements for clinics, gestational limits on abortion and requirements that abortion providers have admitting privileges at local hospitals. The study notes that most of these restrictions were passed in the second half of 2011, and because there is typically a lag between a law's passage and its implementation, they would not have affected the 2011 abortion rate. &lt;br&gt; The Guttmacher study concluded that further research is needed to determine what effect the new laws will have on the abortion rate and access to services.  &lt;br&gt; &quot;Although we found no evidence that new abortion restrictions affected abortion incidence or services at the national level during the study period, this does not mean these laws are not problematic,&quot; the study authors wrote. &quot;Some of the new regulations undoubtedly made it more difficult, and costly, for facilities to continue to provide services and for women to access them.&quot; 

=== &quot;Five men outlaw abortion in a Texas town, declaring a 'sanctuary city for the unborn'&quot; (06/13/2019) ===
&lt;small&gt; Isaac Stanley-Becker. [https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2019/06/13/waksom-texas-outlaws-abortion-five-men/ &quot;Five men outlaw abortion in a Texas town, declaring a 'sanctuary city for the unborn'&quot;]. The Washington Post. (06/13/2019) &lt;/small&gt;
* The municipal prohibition, which plainly contradicts the judgments of the U.S. Supreme Court, joins statewide bans on abortion sweeping the country in the wake of the solidification of a conservative majority on the nation’s top court. In Texas, abortion has already been banned after 20 weeks. Now in the state, a bill awaiting the governor’s signature would require doctors to treat “a child born alive after an abortion,” which happens rarely.
* The legislation was modeled on a measure embraced 7 to 1 in March by the city council of Roswell, N.M., which is best known as the site of a purported UFO crash in 1947. Roswell’s move to declare its support for “fetal life” was accompanied by a measure characterizing itself as a “Second Amendment Sanctuary City,” in opposition to legislation advanced by the state legislature that expands background checks for private gun sales. &lt;br&gt; Waskom residents said they were unconcerned by the prospect of a costly legal fight over the abortion measure because, according to local media, “they say God will take care of them.”
* City officials said they included exceptions for rape and incest, and cases where the mother’s life is at risk, to force a reckoning with the procedure of abortion itself, preventing a judgment based only on the absence of exceptions. &lt;br&gt; Lobbying for the ordinance was led by Right to Life of East Texas, whose director, Mark Lee Dickson, celebrated the unanimous vote in posts on Facebook. &lt;br&gt; He quoted from the measure, which states that “the Supreme Court erred in Roe v. Wade when it said that pregnant women have a constitutional right to abort their pre-born children.” It further describes the 1973 opinion as a “lawless and illegitimate act of judicial usurpation, which violates the Tenth Amendment by trampling the reserved powers of the States, and denies the people of each State a Republican Form of Government by imposing abortion policy through judicial decree.”
* Dickson, who is a pastor at the Baptist Sovereign Love Church in Longview, Tex., added his interpretation of the measure, saying it meant that all organizations that provide abortions or assist others in obtaining the procedure “are now declared to be criminal organizations in Waskom, Texas.” &lt;br&gt; The antiabortion activist has thrown his weight behind some of the most sweeping efforts to outlaw the procedure, including by assigning criminal liability to women, and not just the doctors they seek out to end their pregnancies. &lt;br&gt; In April, he went to Austin to advocate for a bill that would have criminalized abortion without exception, making it possible to convict women who undergo the procedure of homicide, which can carry the death penalty in Texas. The measure, which earned a hearing before the state House Committee on Judiciary and Civil Jurisprudence, was introduced by state Rep. Tony Tinderholt, a Republican from Arlington, Tex., who argues that the measure is necessary to make women “more personally responsible.” 
* In a statement on Thursday, the executive director of Naral Pro-Choice Texas, Aimee Arrambide, called the ordinance a “dangerous attempt to undermine Roe v. Wade,&quot; and affirmed that, “abortion remains legal in all 50 states.” &lt;br&gt; “We will not be intimidated,” Arrambide pledged.
* Before the Tuesday vote, Waskom’s mayor told council members that the city lacked the resources to engage in a lengthy legal battle over the legislation, the instigation of which is the professed aim of the ordinance. &lt;br&gt; “Most likely we will wind up getting sued if this is passed,” the mayor, Jesse Moore, said. “It could go to the Supreme Court.” &lt;br&gt; That prospect would present fiscal challenges for the city, lawmakers acknowledged. &lt;br&gt; “We don’t have the possible millions of dollars that it would take to take it to that level,” said alderman Jimmy Dale Moore, who nevertheless voted for the ordinance. “We can’t pay those kind of attorney’s fees. The city don’t have the money.” &lt;br&gt; Pointing to a member of the crowd gathered to watch the proceedings, the mayor advised, “Save your nickels and pennies,” eliciting chuckles from the public. &lt;br&gt; “We may need them,” he said.

=== &quot;Texas town bans abortion in all-male council vote&quot; (June 13, 2019) ===
&lt;small&gt; [https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-48628224 &quot;Texas town bans abortion in all-male council vote&quot;]. BBC News. June 13, 2019. Retrieved January 23, 2020. &lt;/small&gt;
* All five members of the entirely male Waskom city council have declared their East Texas town a &quot;sanctuary city for the unborn&quot;.  &lt;br&gt; The unanimous vote prohibits abortion within Waskom's city limits, leaving exceptions in the case of rape, incest or serious risk to the mother's life.  &lt;br&gt; There are no abortion clinics in Waskom but councilmen told local media the ban was a necessary preventative measure.
* Local media footage of the vote showed Mayor Jesse Moore caution other council members that they may be sued for passing the ban. &lt;br&gt; &quot;It could go to the Supreme Court,&quot; he said. &lt;br&gt; Mark Lee Dickson, director of Right to Life of East Texas and an advocate for the ban, wrote on Facebook that the measure was &quot;history in the making&quot;. &lt;br&gt; &quot;It is good to see the men of Waskom rise up to protect women and children,&quot; he wrote. 
* Nearly 30 states have introduced some form of restriction on abortion so far this year. &lt;br&gt; Fifteen of these bans, in states such as Louisiana and Georgia, forbid abortion as early as six weeks into a pregnancy - before many women even know they are pregnant. &lt;br&gt; Anti-abortion supporters have dubbed these six-week bans &quot;heartbeat bills&quot; as they outlaw abortion as soon as what they describe as a foetus' heartbeat is detectable. But the American College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists says that name is misleading, as what is being detected is &quot;a portion of the foetal tissue that will become the heart as the embryo develops&quot;.
* According to the Guttmacher Institute, a group that researches sexual and reproductive health, 19 states have laws that could be used to restrict abortion, while 10 states have laws that protect abortion rights.

=== “The Oxford companion to United States history” (2006) ===
&lt;small&gt; Boyer, Paul S., ed. (2006). [https://archive.org/details/oxfordcompaniont00paul_0/page/3 “The Oxford companion to United States history”]. Oxford: Oxford Univ. Press. &lt;/small&gt;
* The legal status of abortion in the United States has undergone dramatic shifts but its practice  has been consistent. Throughout American history, many women have relied on abortion to control their fertility. Before the mid-nineteenth century, abortion induced prior to quickening (the moment when the pregnant woman feels fetal movement) was a legal and accepted practice, especially for young, unmarried women. Y midcentury, the commercialization of abortion gave greater visibility to its prevalence among married, white, native-born women. This increased visibility coincided with growing agitation by women for fuller inclusion in public life and with increased “immigration of ethnically diverse people, both of which provoked concern about the nation’s changing character. Thus when physicians pursued the criminalization of abortion in an effort to stabilize their professional standing through laws restraining their competitors, especially midwives, their proposals resonated with legislators’ gender, ethnic, and nationalist fears. In the twenty years between 1860 and 1880, with little public debate, every state made abortion illegal, except when performed  by a licensed physician to save the life of the pregnant woman. In this same period, federal and state laws also prohibited the distribution of contraceptive information and devices. 
* At times during the one hundred years when abortion was illegal, police allowed its practice to continue undisturbed, at times it was repressed. Throughout the period, many women continued to procure abortions despite the risks, and juries often refused to convict abortionists, indicating continued public acceptance of the practice. During the 1930s, abortion clinics run by licensed physicians operated quite openly contributing to an estimated 800,000 abortions a year. However, the procedure was still quite risky; induced abortions accounted for 14 percent of maternal mortality. After World War II, hospitals tightened the practice o therapeutic abortion by establishing physician review boards, leading to a dramatic reduction in hospital abortions. Police raids on the illegal clinics that had thrived in the 1930s made abortion even more difficult and dangerous to obtain. Abortion death rates doubled between 1951 and 1962, with the risk falling most heavily on women of color who were four times more likely than white women to die from abortion. 
* Political challenges to abortion laws were rare before the 1960s. The birth control movement led by Margaret Sanger did not contest abortion restrictions, instead pointing to the high rates of injury and death from criminal abortion as a compelling reason to decriminalize contraception. As repression of abortion increased through the 1950s, leading women to take more desperate risks, physicians and women began to seek reform of abortion laws. By 1973, through legislative and court actions, the abortion reform/repeal movement won changes in nineteen state laws. At the same time, networks were organized to provide women with access to safe and affordable illegal abortions. In California, the Society for Humane Abortion inspected facilities, bargained over fees, and referred thousands of women to clean and inexpensive illegal abortions in Meico. In Chicago, self trained women organized an abortion service called Jane that performed twelve thousand abortions between 1969 and 1973 without a single fatality. These referral networks were part of the resurgent women’s movement, which also pushed beyond reform to seek repeal of abortion laws. They argued that the decision to abort a pregnancy involved the fundamental right of women to control their bodily process. 
* This activism ended in 1973 with the “Supreme Court’s “Roe v. Wade” landmark decision. Grounded in the 1965 decision “Griswold v. Connecticut”, which had established the right to privacy in contraceptive decision-making, ‘’Roe’’ established a fundamental right to abortion. Under ‘’Roe’’, except to ensure maternal health, stataaes could not restrict abortion before fetal viability. (Viability is the point in pregnancy when the fetus is “capable of meaningful life outside the womb,” roughly the end of the second trimester.) After ‘’Roe’’, the maternal mortality rates dropped by almost one half.
* Efforts to undercut ‘’Roe’’ began almost immediately. Small groups opposed to abortion reform blossomed into the “pro life” movement, arguing that abortion violated the fetus’s right to life. Initially led by the American Roman Catholic church, the movement expanded as social conservatives and Protestant fundamentalists (some intent on rebuilding the ‘Republican party after Watergate) took up the issue. Early successful restrictions centered on ending federal funding of abortion for poor women and requiring parental consent and notification lws for teenagers. Outside the courtroom and legislature, organized efforts emerged to disrupt the practice of abortion. Harassment of clinic patients and abortion providers became common. IN the late 1980s and early 1990s, Operation Rescue, led by Randall Terry, blockaded abortion clinics in cities nationwide. The goal of this activity was to publicize the pro-life cause and make abortion difficult, if not impossible, to obtain. Between 1982 and 1998, there were more than 150 bombings and 5 murders associated with anti-abortion activity.
* While not recriminalizing abortion, the Supreme Court in 1992 retreated from its holding in ‘’Roe’’. In the Casey v. Planned Parenthood’’ decision, which upheld mandatory waiting periods and state mandated counseling, the Court ruled that the State’s interest in protecting potential life permitted some restrictions on abortion throughout pregnancy, as long as the restrictions did not impose an undue burden on women. Thus, abortion was no longer a fundamental right; the lower standard of “undue burden” gave legislators greater leeway to limit abortion. At the twentieth century ended, abortion remained legal, but practical access was increasingly problematic. Harassment, violence, and restrictions led many hospitals nad practitioners to stop providing abortion. An estimated 83 percent of U.S. counties had no abortion provider. At the same time, however, federal and state laws protecting women’s access to clinics,  and the innovative use of anti racketeering laws against organizers of clinic blockades, continue to hinder efforts to stop abortion completely.

=== “The Church and abortion: a Catholic dissent” (30 September 2010) ===
&lt;small&gt; O'Brien, George Dennis (30 September 2010). [https://books.google.com/books?id=VYBUE1ZZNA4C&amp;pg=PA9#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false “The Church and abortion: a Catholic dissent”]. Rowman &amp; Littlefield. ISBN 978-1-4422-0577-2. Retrieved 5 January 2012. &lt;/small&gt; 
* It might have been less divisive politically if abortion had moved toward legal permission through legislative debate in the states. One should not be deluded, however, into thinking that if abortion were once again before state legislatures, we would be in the same situation legally or socially as in 1973 when ''Roe'' was handed down. The fact that history cannot be simply reversed has been made by various justices in their opinions resisting the overturn of ''Roe''. For more than thirty-five years women have assumed that legalized  abortion was possible in the United States. Whether their decisions to have an abortion during that time were moral or wise, the deed was done legally. What would be the social dynamic if abortion were again prohibited? 
** p.23

* I do not believe that the question of criminal law can be evaded; specific laws raise further moral issues beyond the immorality of abortion itself. If, after reversing ''Roe'', abortion were to be banned by any means nationally, or, more plausibly, locally in the states, legal penalties would have to be enacted against those who violated the law. What would be an appropriate and effective law? The ultimate “realism” of anti-abortion legislation hinges on the plausibility of solving the lord high executioner’s “object all sublime”: to make the punishment fit the crime. Failure to match crime and punishment undermines  law: too harsh a penalty and juries will not convict, too lenient and the crime disappears from public perception and the docket.
** pp.24-25

* Simple realism suggests that even modest anti-abortion laws are unlikely to be enacted in the United States. If two conservative states like South Dakota and Colorado could not muster majorities for anti-abortion statutes, what are the chances in other states? There may be a few states, probably in the so-called Bible belt, that would pass anti-abortion laws in the absence of ''Roe'', but even there it is unlikely that the laws would match the foundational rhetoric of the Catholic oral crusaders. The reason that even conservatives and prudent Catholic bishops pull back from highly punitive law stems from quite appropriate moral assessment that seldom strays into the anti-abortion rhetoric. I will examine these moral assessments in the next chapter, but before I do I want to point out one more reason why abortion should not be the trump card in politics. 
** p.32

=== &quot;New York Dems Flex Muscles, Pass Reproductive Health Act&quot;].  (January 22, 2019) === &lt;small&gt; [https://www.cbsnews.com/newyork/news/reproductive-health-act-new-york-legislature-gov-andrew-cuomo-roe-v-wade/ &quot;New York Dems Flex Muscles, Pass Reproductive Health Act&quot;]. CBSNewYork. January 22, 2019.  &lt;/small&gt;
* NEW YORK (CBSNewYork) -- A re-write of New York abortion laws had been held up by Republicans for more than a decade. &lt;br&gt; On Tuesday, the 46th anniversary of the Roe v. Wade decision, Senate Democrats passed the Reproductive Health Act, 38-24. Gov. Andrew Cuomo hoped to sign the bill later in the evening, CBS2's Tony Aiello reported. &lt;br&gt; Critics call the legislation a radical over-reach that benefits people who harm pregnant women. &lt;br&gt; All the power in Albany is now in the hands of Democrats and they quickly moved to pass an abortion rights bill. &lt;br&gt; &quot;We're saying here in New York, women's lives matter. We're saying here in New York, women's decisions matter,&quot; Senate Majority Leader Andrea Stewart-Cousins said.
* [C]ritics say the Reproductive Health Act goes beyond codifying -- to expanding. &lt;br&gt; Timothy Cardinal Dolan spoke about it Tuesday on his radio show. &lt;br&gt; &quot;Any, any, any limit on the unfettered, unquestioned absolute right to abortion, they want none of it,&quot; Dolan said.
* Provisions in the bill include dropping most restrictions on abortions after 24 weeks, allowing midwives and nurse practitioners to perform abortions and ending criminal charges for harming children in the womb. &lt;br&gt; Livia Abreu of the Bronx lost her baby in a 2018 domestic violence attack. Charges against her ex-boyfriend, Oscar Alvarez, include abortion in the first degree. &lt;br&gt; &quot;The passing of RHA will exonerate him from those charges. I cannot imagine living in a world where harming or killing an unborn child is not a crime,&quot; Abreu said.

=== &quot;CDCs Abortion Surveillance System FAQs&quot;  (November 21, 2012) ===  
&lt;small&gt; [https://www.cdc.gov/reproductivehealth/Data_Stats/Abortion.htm &quot;CDCs Abortion Surveillance System FAQs&quot;]. Center for Disease Control and Prevention. November 21, 2012. Retrieved August 8, 2013. &lt;/small&gt;
* CDC began abortion surveillance in 1969 to document the number and characteristics of women obtaining legal induced abortions. Many states and reporting areas conduct abortion surveillance. CDC compiles the information these reporting areas collect to produce national estimates. CDC’s surveillance system compiles information on legal induced abortions.
* Preparation of the Abortion Surveillance report is based on the data available from the states and reporting areas that voluntarily provide this information for a given calendar year. After CDC receives the data, additional time is required to perform the analyses that produce the tables, the figure, and the narrative describing methods and trends. Please view the abstract and methods portion of the most recent Abortion Surveillance report for more information on compilation of the report.
* This report is used for many purposes in the field of public health, including to: &lt;br&gt; Evaluate the success of programs aimed at promoting equitable access to patient-centered quality contraceptive services in the United States  &lt;br&gt; Calculate pregnancy rates, on the basis of the number of pregnancies ending in abortion, in conjunction with birth data and pregnancy loss estimates &lt;br&gt; Monitor changes in clinical practice patterns related to abortion, such as changes in the types of procedures used and weeks of gestation at the time of abortion &lt;br&gt; Calculate the national legal induced abortion case-fatality rate
* In addition to the data available in the annual Abortion Surveillance report, data from 2010 to 2019 are also available for abortions distributed by state/area of residence and state/area of clinical service. These data are consistent with data reported to CDC for each year’s Abortion Surveillance report. No additional data are available for public use. 
* In 2019, 629,898 legal induced abortions were reported to CDC from 49 reporting areas. Among 48 reporting areas with data each year during 2010–2019, in 2019, a total of 625,346 abortions were reported, the abortion rate was 11.4 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years, and the abortion ratio was 195 abortions per 1,000 live births. &lt;br&gt; From 2010 to 2019, the number, rate, and ratio of reported abortions decreased 18%, 21%, and 13%, respectively. However, compared with 2018, in 2019, the total number increased 2%, the rate of reported abortions increased by 0.9%, and the abortion ratio increased by 3%.
* Similar to previous years, in 2019, women in their twenties accounted for the majority of abortions (56.9%). The majority of abortions in 2019 took place early in gestation: 92.7% of abortions were performed at ≤13 weeks’ gestation; a smaller number of abortions (6.2%) were performed at 14–20 weeks’ gestation, and even fewer (&lt;1.0%) were performed at ≥21 weeks’ gestation. Early medical abortion is defined as the administration of medications(s) to induce an abortion at ≤9 completed weeks’ gestation, consistent with the current Food and Drug Administration labeling for mifepristone (implemented in 2016). In 2019, 42.3% of all abortions were early medical abortions. Use of early medical abortion increased 10% from 2018 to 2019 and 123% from 2010 to 2019. MMWR Surveill Summ 2021;70(No. SS-9):1–29.

=== &quot;Click - Debating Reproductive Rights - Reproductive Rights and Feminism, History of Abortion Battle, History of Abortion Debate, Roe v. Wade and Feminists&quot;  === 
&lt;small&gt; [https://www.cliohistory.org/click/body-health/reproduction/ &quot;Click - Debating Reproductive Rights - Reproductive Rights and Feminism, History of Abortion Battle, History of Abortion Debate, Roe v. Wade and Feminists&quot;]. www.cliohistory.org. Retrieved December 2, 2017. &lt;/small&gt; 
* Even though single women won wider access to birth control in the 1960s and 1970s, sexual activity could still result in unplanned pregnancies, which brought the nation’s abortion laws under scrutiny. The first laws explicitly prohibiting abortion were passed in the late nineteenth century, often restricting abortion to cases where the life of the mother was at risk. As the modern medical profession continued to lay claim to all aspects of women’s reproductive health during the first half of the twentieth century, doctors and hospital review boards became the gatekeepers who decided whether a woman could qualify for a legal “therapeutic” abortion. Very few did. Unplanned pregnancies in turn fed the demand for back-alley abortionists who could charge exorbitant rates and operate under unhealthy, sometimes deadly conditions. &lt;br&gt; Starting in the 1960s, some doctors began to push for the liberalization of abortion laws. The case of Sherri Finkbine, who had to go to Sweden for a legal abortion in 1962 after inadvertently taking a drug (thalidomide) known to cause severe birth defects, helped galvanize public opinion. In the late 1960s feminists joined doctors in the fight, calling not just for reform of abortion laws but for their outright repeal, as represented in the call for “abortion on demand.” By 1972 sixteen states and the District of Columbia had liberalized their laws.
* Forty years later, the Supreme Court still affirms women’s fundamental constitutional right to abortion but has allowed a wide range of restrictions and limits to be placed on that right. An abortion is legal, but you may not be able to find a clinic to perform one. That middle ground is remarkably similar to where popular opinion rests: showing support for women’s right to end a pregnancy but also strong unease about the procedure, especially after the first trimester. &lt;br&gt; The polarizing effects of Roe v. Wade were seen almost immediately in the political realm. Feminists hailed the right to abortion as a vital cornerstone of women’s ability to control their reproductive choices and their lives, but the decision galvanized opponents and helped to kill the Equal Rights Amendment. In 1976, the U.S. Congress passed the Hyde Amendment, which prohibited the use of federal funds for Medicaid abortions even if they were medically necessary; the Supreme Court upheld this restriction in 1980. Followers of conservative and fundamental religions, including many women, continued to speak out against abortion as antithetical to their vision of family. Meanwhile, groups such as Phyllis Schlafly’s Eagle Forum and Beverly LaHaye’s Concerned Women for America increasingly moved abortion to the forefront of their anti-feminist platform, where it has remained ever since.
* In terms of abortion politics, the 1980s were a period of what Sandra Morgen called the Three Rs: retrenchment, Reagan, and Operation Rescue. The general shift in the political climate to the right after the election of Ronald Reagan in 1980 stalled the momentum for civil rights and feminism. As part of cutbacks in government spending (spurred by the deficit but really as a way to cut programs Republicans thought the government had no business funding in the first place), healthcare and anti-poverty programs were especially hard hit, with deleterious effects on the provision of reproductive services to the nation’s women, especially poor women. Add to that the founding by Randall Terry of Operation Rescue in 1986, which used violence and intimidation outside abortion clinics to try to keep women from entering. The escalating violence, which included clinic bombings, arson, and the murder of abortion providers, led to the passage of the Freedom of Access to Clinic Entrances Act in 1994.
* As the anti-abortion movement chipped away at access to abortion, in effect making it increasingly difficult to find a legal abortion provider in many parts of the country, supporters of abortion rights found they were fighting battles on many fronts. Susan Faludi’s 1991 bestseller, Backlash: The Undeclared War Against American Women, detailed the shifting political climate. Organizations such as Planned Parenthood and NARAL  Pro-Choice America intensified their efforts, raising money, lobbying Congress and statehouses, and on occasion, such as the 1989 March for Reproductive Rights, bringing hundreds of thousands of abortion supporters to the nation’s capital. Women of color played an important role in challenging anti-abortion legislation by highlighting its racial and class implications and broadening the movement for reproductive rights into one for reproductive justice. Rather than holding a “March for Choice” in 2004, an energized and diverse group of activists converged in record numbers for the “March for Women’s Lives.” &lt;br&gt; Not surprisingly, these political efforts found more favor with Democratic administrations than Republican. The Clinton administration supported the passage of the clinic access bill and directed the Justice Department to aggressively counter abortion violence. Since Barack Obama took office in 2009, restrictions against embryonic stem cell research have been lifted, the international gag order restricting information about birth control techniques in foreign aid has been dropped, and the “morning-after pill” is more widely available without a prescription, even to teenagers. And yet state legislatures as well as Congress continue to add more and more restrictions on the provision of abortion. The irony is that by imposing increasingly stringent regulations on abortion clinics to bring them practically in line with hospitals, abortion provision has now come almost full circle since the early 1960s, when hospitals were the only places where women could have legal abortions and then only with the permission of a panel of doctors.
* There is no end in sight to this polarization. Polls show women holding firm allegiance to both sides of the issue, with support strongest for access to abortion in the first trimester (12 weeks) but declining dramatically after that, even among those who claim to be “pro-choice.” There is also widespread support for abortion in the cases of rape and incest, as well as when the life of the mother is threatened. &lt;br&gt; When the abortion battles are viewed against the backdrop of the revolutionary changes in women’s lives over the past half century, it is clear that many Americans still feel a certain unease about women’s new freedoms, sexual or otherwise. Even though there has been a sea change in attitudes about women’s sexual expression, the ongoing debate over abortion shows that the question of women’s self-determination over their own bodies is far from settled. 

=== “Abortion and Women of Color: The Bigger Picture” (August 6, 2008) ===
&lt;small&gt; Susan A. Cohen, [https://www.guttmacher.org/gpr/2008/08/abortion-and-women-color-bigger-picture “Abortion and Women of Color: The Bigger Picture”], ''Guttmacher Policy Review'', Volume 11, Issue 3, (August 6, 2008) &lt;/small&gt;
* This much is true: In the United States, the abortion rate for black women is almost five times that for white women. Antiabortion activists, including some African-American pastors, have been waging a campaign around this fact, falsely asserting that the disparity is the result of aggressive marketing by abortion providers to minority communities.
* The truth is that behind virtually every abortion is an unintended pregnancy. This applies to all women—black, white, Hispanic, Asian and Native American alike. Not surprisingly, the variation in abortion rates across racial and ethnic groups relates directly to the variation in the unintended pregnancy rates across those same groups.
* Abortion rates have been declining in the United States for a quarter of a century, from a high of 29.3 per 1,000 women aged 15–44 in 1981 to an historic low (post-Roe v. Wade) of 19.4 in 2005. The overall number of abortions has been falling too, dropping to 1.2 million in 2005. Currently, about one-third of all abortions are obtained by white women, and 37% are obtained by black women. Latinas comprise a smaller proportion of the women who have abortions, and the rest are obtained by Asians, Pacific Islanders, Native Americans and women of mixed race (see chart).
* These patterns of abortion rates mirror the levels of unintended pregnancy seen across these same groups. Among the poorest women, Hispanics are the most likely to experience an unintended pregnancy. Overall, however, black women are three times as likely as white women to experience an unintended pregnancy; Hispanic women are twice as likely. Because black women experience so many more unintended pregnancies than any other group—sharply disproportionate to their numbers in the general population—they are more likely to seek out and obtain abortion services than any other group. In addition, because black women as a group want the same number of children as white women, but have so many more unintended pregnancies, they are more likely than white women to terminate an unintended pregnancy by abortion to avoid an unwanted birth.

=== &quot;From Privacy to Autonomy: The Conditions for Reproductive and Sexual Freedom&quot; (1990) ===
&lt;small&gt;  Copelon, Rhonda &quot;From Privacy to Autonomy: The Conditions for Reproductive and Sexual Freedom&quot;. in Fried, Marlene Gerber (ed.). [https://books.google.com/books?id=keE5EmSKYr0C “From Abortion to Reproductive Freedom: Transforming a Movement”] (1990). South End Press. ISBN 9780896083875. &lt;/small&gt;
* Since 1973 the Court decision in “Roe v. Wade” has survived numerous assaults. For about a decade following the 1873 decision, the “fetal personhood” campaign, spearheaded by the Catholic Church and later joined by Protestant New Right fundamentalists, held center stage. &lt;br&gt; Right-to-life advocates argue for the subservience of women to the fetus, pitting images of innocent and helpless souls against those of selfish, unnatural, and murderous feminimity. Their goal is not simply to save fetuses but to return woman to her “proper place”-to assure that motherhood remains her primary preoccupation. Their campaign has had some terrible successes in the Court, particularly in the decisions in “Harris v. McRae”, permitting legislatures to deny abortion funding to poor women and “Baird v. Bellotti”, predicating a teenage girl’s rights ton parental approval or a judicial shaming ceremony. In 1983, however, a number of fetal rights efforts initiated at the outset of the Reagan administration’s effort to have the Court water down “Roe”, although its position was substantially adopted by Justice Sandra Day O’Connor in her dissenting opinion.
** p.28

* The Reagan Presidency provided the mechanism for the ultimate attack on “Roe v. Wade”-the appointment of over one-half of the federal judiciary and almost one-half of the Justices of the Supreme Court who were chosen because of their allegiance to the overruling of “Roe” and the dismantling of the modern right of privacy, as well as most of the rights protected by the Bill of  Rights. &lt;br&gt; The Reagan administration cloaked its right wing agenda in the argument that the Court had no power to protect rights not articulated in the text of the Constitution or intended by the framers. While parading as the “jurisprudence of original intent,” the practical implications of resuscitating the framers’ intent as the measure of the Constitution explain its popularity on the Right. When the “founding fathers” are sacralized as the fount of wisdom, we are not reminded that they lived in a thoroughly patriarchal society, preserved slavery in the Constitution, and mocked the idea of the vote for women. Even the Radical Republicans who framed principle of quality after the Civil War did not envision school desegregation or the equality of women. In contrast to the originalist school, defenders of the modern Court’s decisions argue that the Constitution is a document for the ages and that the broad principles it expresses are to be given new meaning in light of the historical evolution of the society as well as of the new, lived meaning of human rights.
** p.29

* The first challenge to the criminal abortion laws through litigation and reform bills in state legislatures envisioned abortion as a doctor’s professional prerogative. Then in 1969 in New York, the first feminist challenge to the original abortion laws was filed, putting women’s right to control their bodies and lives at center stage. Whereas in the legislatures women had to break  into an ongoing dialogue between male legislators and experts, in the courts it was easier to focus attention on their experience, need, and entitlement to control reproduction. This transformed a social reform movement for legal abortion led by doctors, family planners, and population controllers into a human rights struggle. As Ellen Willis wrote: “It was the feminist demand for an “unconditional right to abortion” that galvanized women and “created effective pressure for legislation.” &lt;br&gt; The claim of privacy played a central role  in early abortion rights advocacy. The first legal cases involved doctors who challenged the imposition of criminal sanctions as an interference with the privacy of the doctor-patient relationship. The appeal to  privacy also reflected the more liberal orientation of some feminist abortion advocates and a more cautious approach to litigation. 
** p.32

* The core idea of the right to abortion-that women should be in control of decision making over their reproduction-employs the notion of non-interference by the state to reinforce rather than undermine women’s autonomy. In this respect it is a progressive demand. But, as it has been elaborated by many pro-choice advocates and by the Court, it is still a limited and deeply flawed basis for reproductive freedom. There has emerged a sharp tension between two notions of privacy: the liberal idea of privacy as a the negative and qualified right to be left alone (so long as nothing too significant is at stake),  and the more radical ideal of privacy as the positive liberty of self-determination and an aspect of equal personhood. Both practically and theoretically, the privacy doctrine is double-edged, having within it the tendency to constrain as well as to expand reproductive rights.
** p.33

* The face that abortion rights have been qualified by fetal viability since “Roe v. Wade” is attributable, of course, to political compromise but also to the combined defects of a negative theory of privacy and a truncated view of women’s personhood. To limit a woman’s right-whether it be to decide on an abortion or refuse Caesarean surgery in childbirth-in the interest of viable yet still physically dependent potential life denies her full moral and physical autonomy. 
** p.36

=== &quot;Committed to Availability, Conflicted about Morality: What the Millennial Generation Tells Us about the Future of the Abortion Debate and the Culture Wars&quot; (June 9, 2011) ===
&lt;small&gt; Daniel Cox, Robert P. Jones; [https://www.prri.org/research/committed-to-availability-conflicted-about-morality-what-the-millennial-generation-tells-us-about-the-future-of-the-abortion-debate-and-the-culture-wars/ &quot;Committed to Availability, Conflicted about Morality: What the Millennial Generation Tells Us about the Future of the Abortion Debate and the Culture Wars&quot;]. Public Religion Research Institute. June 9, 2011. &lt;/small&gt;
* A solid majority of Americans say abortion should be legal in all (19%) or most (37%) cases, compared to 4-in-10 who say it should be illegal in all (14%) or most (26%) cases. &lt;br&gt; With the exception of white evangelical Protestants, majorities of all major religious groups say abortion should be legal in all or most cases. A majority of Americans across the political spectrum say it is more socially acceptable today to be “pro-choice” rather than “pro-life.” &lt;br&gt; Nearly 6-in-10 (58%) Americans say that at least some health care professionals in their communities should provide legal abortions. With the exception of white evangelical Protestants and Latino Catholics, majorities of all major religious groups agree that at least some health care professionals in their community should provide legal abortions. Americans who live in large metropolitan areas are much more likely than those who live in rural communities to say legal abortion services should be available in their community (67% vs. 39% respectively).
* The binary “pro-choice”/“pro-life” labels do not reflect the complexity of Americans’ views on abortion. Seven-in-ten Americans say the term “pro-choice” describes them somewhat or very well, and nearly two-thirds simultaneously say the term “pro-life” describes them somewhat or very well. This overlapping identity is present in virtually every demographic group.
* The decoupling of attitudes on abortion and same-sex marriage suggests that these topics, which served in the past as the heart of the “values” agenda, are no longer necessarily linked in the minds of Americans. Roughly the same percentage of Americans said abortion should be legal in all or most cases in 1999 (57%) as say this today (56%). In contrast, the percentage of Americans who said marriages between same-sex couples should be recognized by the law as valid has grown 18 points over this same period, from 35% in 1999 to 53% in 2011.
* Millennials are less supportive of legal abortion than their demographic profile would suggest. &lt;br&gt; Millennials generally have traits associated with higher levels of support for the legality of abortion: they are more educated, more liberal, and more likely to be religiously unaffiliated. &lt;br&gt; Millennials exemplify the decoupling of attitudes on legal abortion and same-sex marriage. They are much more likely than the general public to favor same-sex marriage, but they are not significantly more likely than the general public to support the legality of abortion (60% vs. 56% in the general public). &lt;br&gt; Millennials have largely positive top of mind associations with same-sex marriage but have largely negative top of mind associations with abortion. &lt;br&gt; Millennials are conflicted about the morality of abortion, but most say same gender sexual relationships are morally acceptable. Nearly 6-in-10 (57%) Millennials say sex between two adults of the same gender is morally acceptable, compared to only 46% who say having an abortion is morally acceptable. &lt;br&gt; Unlike all other age groups, Millennials register different levels of support for the availability and legality of abortion. On the one hand, Millennials are strongly committed to the availability of abortion and are significantly more likely than the general public to say that at least some health care professionals in their community should provide legal abortions (68% vs. 58% respectively). But they are no more likely than the general public to say that abortion should be legal in all or most cases. These findings suggest general measures of legality may not fully capture support for legal abortion among Millennials.
* On the issue of abortion, Americans hold complex and sometimes contradictory views, and grasping this complexity is critical for understanding the dynamics of the debate. &lt;br&gt; Approximately 3-in-10 Americans hold decidedly mixed views about the circumstances in which having an abortion should be possible. When measured on a composite scale of support for abortion in five specific circumstances, 43% say abortion should be possible in most or all of these circumstances, 29% say abortion should not be possible in most or all of these circumstances, and 28% hold decidedly mixed views. &lt;br&gt; Majorities of Americans simultaneously say abortion is morally wrong (52%) and that it should be legal in all or most cases (56%).
* The study identified and tested a number of hypotheses about independent influences on attitudes about the legality of abortion. The following factors are independent predictors of support for the legality of abortion, even when controlling for other demographic characteristics: &lt;br&gt; Having a situationalist rather than a principle-based approach to morality has a positive impact on support for the legality of abortion. &lt;br&gt; Knowing someone who has had an abortion has a positive impact on support for the legality of abortion. &lt;br&gt; Having seen MTV’s reality shows about unmarried pregnant teenagers has a positive impact on support for the legality of abortion. &lt;br&gt; Recently seeing an ultrasound image of a fetus has a negative impact on support for the legality of abortion.
* Among Americans who attend church at least once or twice a month, majorities report hearing their clergy talk about the issue of abortion (54%) or homosexuality (51%) in church. Catholics are significantly more likely than Protestants to hear about abortion in church. &lt;br&gt; More than 7-in-10 (72%) religious Americans believe it is possible to disagree with the teachings of their religion on the issue of abortion and still be considered a person of good standing in their faith. &lt;br&gt; A majority of all major religious groups, including Catholics and white evangelical Protestants agree with this statement.
* The Millennials, Religion, and Abortion Survey is the largest national public opinion survey ever conducted on abortion and the influence of religion and moral values on the issue.  Because of its large sample size (N=3,000 interviews), it allows us to paint a portrait of generational, religious, and ethnic differences that has not been previously possible.
* Over the last decade, a majority or plurality of Americans have said abortion should be legal in all or most cases, although there has been some volatility. Specifically, throughout most of the decade, solid majorities usually hovering around the mid-50’s reported that abortion should be legal in all or most cases, compared to roughly 4-in-10 who said it should be illegal in all or most cases. In August 2001, and again in 2009, the country was nearly divided, but numbers soon returned to their previous pattern. Our most recent data reflects the dominant pattern: a solid majority of Americans say abortion should be legal in all (19%) or most (37%) cases, and 4-in-10 say it should be illegal in all (14%) or most (26%) cases. &lt;br&gt; The most polarized positions—views that abortion should be legal or illegal in all cases—have consistently been a minority opinion. Currently, roughly 1-in-5 (19%) Americans report that abortion should be legal in all cases, and 14% report that it should be illegal in all cases. Over the last ten years, the percentage of Americans who say abortion should be legal in all cases has never risen above 21%, and the percentage who say it should be illegal in all cases has never risen above 17%.
* Views on abortion vary significantly by age, religion, race, education, political affiliation, and geographic region. However, there are no significant gender differences in views about the legality of abortion. Attitudes among the Millennial generation (ages 18 to 29) do not significantly differ from attitudes in the general population about the legality of abortion. Six-in-ten Millennials believe that abortion should be legal in all (22%) or most (38%) cases, compared to approximately 4-in-10 who say abortion should be illegal in all (13%) or most (25%) cases. Americans ages 65 and older are the only age group that differs significantly from the general public. Among this older age cohort, only about 4-in-10 say abortion should be legal in all (14%) or most (29%) cases, compared to half who say it should be illegal in all (17%) or most (33%) cases.
* With the exception of white evangelical Protestants, majorities of all other major religious groups favor legalized abortion. At least two-thirds of religiously unaffiliated Americans (69%), white mainline Protestants (67%), and black Protestants (66%) say abortion should be legal in all or most cases. A majority (54%) of all Catholics say abortion should be legal in all or most cases, including 51% of Latino Catholics. Among white evangelical Protestants, however, less than 3-in-10 (29%) say abortion should be legal in all or most cases, compared to two-thirds (67%) who say it should be illegal in all or most cases.
* There are significant differences by race and ethnicity. Nearly two-thirds (64%) of African Americans believe abortion should be legal in all or most cases. A solid majority (56%) of non-Hispanic whites say abortion should be legal in all or most cases, mirroring the general population. Latinos, in contrast, are evenly divided on the issue, with 47% saying abortion should be legal in all or most cases and 49% saying it should illegal in all or most cases.
* Higher educational attainment levels are associated with more supportive views of legal abortion. Among Americans with a post-graduate education, nearly 7-in-10 (68%) say abortion should be legal in all or most cases. In contrast, Americans with a high school education or less are nearly evenly divided on the issue, with 50% saying abortion should be legal in all or most cases and 46% saying it should be illegal in all or most cases.
* Democrats are approximately 30 points more likely to say abortion should be legal than Republicans. Seven-in-ten Democrats say abortion should be legal in all or most cases. Among Republicans and Americans who identify with the Tea Party movement, roughly 4-in-10 say abortion should be legal in all or most cases (38% and 41% respectively). Solid majorities of Republicans and Americans who identify with the Tea Party movement say abortion should be illegal in all or most cases (60% and 55% respectively). Political independents closely mirror the general population.
* Americans who live in more urban areas or who live in the Northeast or West are more likely to support legalized abortion than those who live in rural areas or in the South and Midwest. Solid majorities of Americans in the Northeast and West say abortion should be legal in all or most cases (66% and 60% respectively). Americans who live in the South or Midwest are divided, with 51% of each region supporting legal abortion in all or most cases. Sixty-three percent of Americans who live in urban areas believe abortion should be legal in all or most cases, while Americans who live in rural communities are divided, with 45% saying abortion should be legal in all or most cases and half (50%) saying it should be illegal in all or most cases.
* Nearly 3-in-10 (29%) Americans say abortion is a critical issue facing the country today; an equal number (29%) say that it is one among many important issues; and 4-in-10 say it is not that important compared to other issues. In comparison, close to 8-in-10 (78%) Americans report that the economy is a critical issue, and more than 4-in-10 Americans say that immigration (43%) and the environment (42%) are critical issues. Fewer than 1-in-4 (23%) report that same-sex marriage is a critical issue; same-sex marriage is the only issue about which a majority (53%) say it is not that important compared to other issues. &lt;br&gt; Generally speaking, there are only minor variations in priorities among demographic groups, and most subgroups rank abortion fourth out of five issues, with same-sex marriage generally ranking fifth. Three major exceptions to this pattern are white evangelical Protestants, Republicans, and those who identify with the Tea Party. Members of these three subgroups rank abortion third behind the economy and immigration and rank the environment last. &lt;br&gt; There are significant differences in the salience of abortion between those who believe abortion should be legal and those who believe it should be illegal. Those who oppose legal abortion are more than three times as likely as those who support legal abortion to say it is a critical issue. Among those who say abortion should be illegal in all cases, nearly two-thirds (65%) say that abortion is a critical issue. In contrast, among those who say abortion should be legal in all cases, only 19% say it is a critical issue.
* Over the last decade, the pattern of support for legalized abortion and same-sex marriage have been dramatically different. As we noted above, despite some modest volatility, support for legalized abortion has been generally stable during this period. Roughly the same percentage of Americans said abortion should be legal in all or most cases in 1999 (57%) as say this today (56%). On the issue of same-sex marriage, in contrast, there has been a dramatic shift in opinion, especially over the last decade. In 1999, only 35% of the public said marriages between same-sex couples should be recognized by the law as valid. In 2011, a majority (53%) say same-sex marriage should be recognized by the law as valid, an 18-point increase.
* The pattern of support on each of these issues by age also shows remarkable differences between the two issues. There is no significant difference between the views of Millennials and the general public on the issue of abortion. Among age cohorts, only seniors have a significantly different profile. Nearly equal numbers of Millennials (60%), Americans age 30-49 (58%) and Americans age 50-64 (59%) say abortion should be legal in all or most cases, compared to just 43% of Americans age 65 and over.
* Views on abortion differ markedly depending on the particular circumstances. In order to get a more nuanced picture of how specific circumstances matter for Americans’ views on abortion, we adapted a battery of questions about circumstances from the General Social Survey, one of the longest-running sources of polling on social issues. Strong majorities agree that it should be possible for a woman to obtain a legal abortion in four of seven circumstances: if the woman’s physical health is seriously endangered by the pregnancy (86%); if she became pregnant as a result of rape (79%); if the woman’s mental health is seriously endangered by the pregnancy (74%); and if there is a strong chance of serious defect in the baby (66%). &lt;br&gt; Americans are more ambivalent or opposed to a woman obtaining a legal abortion in three other specific circumstances. Americans are divided over whether a woman should be able to obtain a legal abortion because the woman is still in high school (47% possible, 49% not possible). Majorities of Americans say it should not be possible for a woman to obtain a legal abortion in two circumstances: the family is low income and cannot afford any more children (52%); and the woman is not married and does not want to marry the man (58%).
* There are significant divisions by religious affiliation. Two-thirds (67%) of the religiously unaffiliated and half (50%) of white mainline Protestants say abortion should be possible in most or all circumstances. White Catholics and black Protestants are more divided, but pluralities of each group (44% and 41% respectively) say abortion should be possible in most or all circumstances. Black Protestants are also notable as the group most likely to have mixed views about abortion (36%). In contrast, fewer than 1-in-4 white evangelical Protestants (23%) and Latino Catholics (22%) say abortion should be possible in most or all circumstances. Latino Catholics are half as likely as white Catholics to believe that abortion should be possible in most or all circumstances (22% vs. 44% respectively).  It is also noteworthy that at least one-quarter of every major religious group hold mixed views about the circumstances in which abortion should be possible.
* Perhaps the most remarkable trait about Americans who have mixed views on abortion is that, with the exception of their educational profile, they are nearly indistinguishable from the general public. They are evenly divided between men and women. They reflect proportional numbers of racial and ethnic minorities, and they are also proportionally spread across age categories. A plurality of Americans with mixed views on abortion are politically independent (36%) or moderate (40%), also mirroring the political profile of the public at large. They draw proportionally from major religious groups and attend religious services at roughly the same rates as the general population. Their one distinguishing characteristic is that a majority (52%) of Americans who have mixed views on abortion have a high school education or less, compared to 42% of the general public. &lt;br&gt; As is expected, Americans with mixed views on abortion are nearly evenly divided on the question of the legality of abortion, with 48% saying abortion should be legal in all or most cases, and 45% saying abortion should be illegal in all or most cases.
* A slim majority (51%) of Americans say that obtaining an abortion in their community is not too difficult or not at all difficult. One-third (33%) report that it is somewhat or very difficult, and a significant number (17%) report being unsure or did not answer the question. Among Millennials, 55% believe it is not at all or not too difficult to obtain an abortion, and 37% say that it is somewhat or very difficult. Millennials are more likely than other age cohorts to have an opinion about how difficult it is to get an abortion; only 7% report that they are unsure or do not know, compared to 28% of Americans age 65 or older. There are no significant differences in opinion on this question by political or religious affiliation or by gender. &lt;br&gt; Americans who live in rural areas are about twice as likely as those who live in urban areas to believe that it is either somewhat or very difficult to get an abortion (48% and 25% respectively). A majority (55%) of urban residents say it is not too or not at all difficult. There are no differences in the views of Americans by region; across each region, Americans are much more likely to say it is not that difficult to get an abortion than say it is difficult. &lt;br&gt; Despite divisions among Americans about the permissibility of abortion across different circumstances, nearly 6-in-10 (58%) Americans agree that at least some health care professionals in their communities should provide legal abortions. However, views differ dramatically by age, religion, education, geography, and community type.
* Nearly 7-in-10 (68%) Millennials, but only 42% of seniors age 65 and older, say there should be some legal abortion services available in their community.  The views of Americans age 30-49 and 50-64 mirror the views of the general population on this issue. &lt;br&gt; Majorities of religiously unaffiliated Americans (71%), white mainline Protestants (72%), and black Protestants (56%) say at least some health care professionals in their community should provide legal abortions. Catholics are more divided on this issue overall, but there are double-digit ethnic divisions among Catholics. Nearly 6-in-10 (58%) white Catholics say that at least some health care professionals in their community should provide abortions, compared to only 38% of Latino Catholics.  White evangelical Protestant views are very similar to Latino Catholics; only 37% say their communities should have at least some health care professionals who provide abortion services. &lt;br&gt; Divisions are also large by educational attainment. Approximately three-quarters (76%) of Americans with a post-graduate degree say some health care providers should provide legal abortion services, compared to only 47% of those with a high school education or less. &lt;br&gt; Americans who live in the Northeast (66%) and West (63%) are significantly more likely than those who live in the Midwest (53%) or South (52%) to say at least some health care professionals should provide legal abortion services. Three-quarters (67%) of Americans who live in large cities believe that at least some health care professionals should provide abortions, compared to only 39% of Americans who live in rural areas.
* Nearly 3-in-4 (73%) Americans favor requiring women under the age of 18 to get the consent of at least one parent before they are allowed to have an abortion. Roughly 1-in-4 (24%) Americans oppose this policy. Support for this policy is strong across demographic, religious, and political groups. Approximately 7-in-10 (71%) Millennials support this requirement, as do nearly two-thirds (64%) of Americans age 65 and older. Support for parental consent laws are also high across the political spectrum, including 64% of Democrats, 74% of Independents, 84% of Republicans, and 85% of those identifying with the Tea Party. Americans who self-identify as politically liberal are the least likely to favor a requirement that women under the age of 18 get parental consent, but even among this group, 54% favor this policy.
* Reflecting their complex pro-choice/pro-life identities, many Americans simultaneously affirm seemingly contradictory statements about the purpose of abortion laws. Strong majorities, for example, simultaneously say that it is appropriate for abortion laws to protect the life of the fetus throughout the entire pregnancy, and that it is appropriate for laws to preserve a woman’s freedom to make her own decisions (63% to 70%). Roughly 8-in-10 also say it is appropriate for abortion laws to protect the health and well-being of women, and that it is appropriate for laws to encourage women to make more responsible decisions (82% and 78% respectively).
* A slim majority (52%) of Americans believe having an abortion is morally wrong, compared to 40% who say it is morally acceptable. Millennials are more divided on the morality of abortion, with half (50%) saying having an abortion is morally wrong and 46% saying it is morally acceptable. Among Americans age 65 and older, 57% say abortion is morally wrong, and 31% say it is morally acceptable.  There are no significant gender differences in attitudes about the moral acceptability of abortion. &lt;br&gt; Majorities of most major religious groups—including white evangelical Protestants (75%), African American Protestants (60%), and Catholics (58%)—believe that having an abortion is morally wrong. White Mainline Protestants stand out here, with roughly equal numbers saying having an abortion is morally acceptable (45%) or morally wrong (43%). A strong majority (61%) of religiously unaffiliated Americans believe having an abortion is morally acceptable. More than two-thirds of Republicans and 7-in-10 members of the Tea Party movement say abortion is morally wrong, compared to only 42% of Democrats.
* Americans are more likely to say that having an abortion is morally wrong than they are to say that it is a sin. On the theological question, Americans are divided: 46% believe having an abortion is a sin, and 44% disagree. There are few generational differences on this question. Millennials’ views roughly resemble those of the general population: 45% believe having an abortion is a sin, but a plurality (49%) disagree. &lt;br&gt; There are significant religious and political divisions on this question. Nearly 7-in-10 (69%) white evangelicals, and nearly two-thirds of black Protestants (64%) and Latino Catholics (65%), agree that having an abortion is a sin. White Catholics are evenly divided, with 46% agreeing that having an abortion is a sin, and 46% disagreeing.  White mainline Protestants are the only major religious group in which a majority (55%) does not believe that having an abortion is a sin. &lt;br&gt; There are also significant gender and political differences. Women are somewhat more likely than men to say that having an abortion is a sin (50% vs. 43%), which may reflect the fact that women generally have higher levels of religious engagement than men. More than 6-in-10 Republicans and Americans who identify with the Tea Party movement (61% and 62% respectively) believe that having an abortion is a sin, compared to only 39% of Democrats and 43% of political independents.
* Despite holding significant moral and theological concerns, nearly 6-in-10 (59%) Americans believe that in certain circumstances having an abortion is the most responsible decision a woman can make. Approximately one-third (35%) reject this statement and say that having an abortion is a selfish decision that allows a woman to avoid taking responsibility. Millennials are no more likely than older Americans to say that abortion can be the most responsible decision a woman can make. 
* With the exception of white evangelical Protestants and Latino Catholics, strong majorities of all major religious groups—including 68% of white mainline Protestants, 60% of black Protestants, and 63% of white Catholics—say that in certain circumstances having an abortion is the most responsible decision a woman can make. In contrast, only 38% of white evangelical Protestants and 44% of Latino Catholics agree. A majority (56%) of white evangelicals and a plurality (47%) of Latino Catholics say that having an abortion is a selfish decision that allows a woman to avoid taking responsibility. &lt;br&gt; Notably, more than one-third those who believe having an abortion is morally wrong (36%) or having an abortion is a sin (35%) also nonetheless believe having an abortion is in some circumstances the most responsible decision a woman can make. Among Americans who take a more situationalist approach to morality, two-thirds (67%) say having an abortion is in some circumstances the most responsible decision a woman can make. Even among Americans who take a more principle-based approach to morality, half (50%) say it is in some cases the most responsible decision a woman can make.
* In the general population and all other age groups except for Millennials, nearly equal numbers support the legality of abortion and the local availability of abortion services.  Millennials, however, support the availability of local abortion services at a significantly higher rate (68%) than they support the legality of abortion (60%).
* On the question of legality, when controlling for other characteristics, Millennials are surprisingly 1.3 times more likely than older Americans to say abortion should be illegal in all or most cases. In contrast, on the question of availability, when controlling for the same other characteristics, Millennials are about 1.5 times more likely than older Americans to say at least some health care providers should provide legal abortions in their community.
* One distinctive pattern worth noting is the difference between attitudes among white religious groups and minority religious groups across these four measures. Among all white religious groups, support for local availability is higher than support for legality. Among minority religious groups and minorities overall, support for legality exceeds support for local availability.  For example, nearly two-thirds of black Protestants (66%) and a slim majority (51%) of Latino Catholics say abortion should be legal in all or most cases. However, a smaller majority (56%) of black Protestants and only 38% of Latino Catholics say at least some health care professionals should provide legal abortions in their local communities.
* Americans who attend religious services at least weekly are more likely to oppose the legality of abortion than those who attend less frequently or who never attend religious services. Among the approximately 4-in-10 Americans who attend religious services at least once a week, 60% say abortion should be illegal in all or most cases, compared to 36% who say it should be legal in all or most cases. In contrast, nearly two-thirds (64%) of Americans who attend services less frequently (monthly or a few times a year), and nearly three-fourths (74%) of Americans who attend services seldom or never, say abortion should be legal in all or most cases.  This general pattern holds among Millennials and all other age groups. &lt;br&gt; Church attendance patterns do not influence opinions on abortion equally in all religious groups. Most importantly, frequency of attendance matters more for Catholics than it does for other major religious groups. Among Catholics, 41% attend church at least weekly, 38% attend church monthly or a few times a year, and 19% say they seldom or never attend. Among the approximately 4-in-10 Catholics who attend church at least weekly, only about one-third (34%) say abortion should be legal in all or most cases. But strong majorities of Catholics who attend monthly or a few times a year (62%) or who attend seldom or never (78%) say abortion should be legal in all or most cases. 
* Religious affiliation appears to matter more among some religious groups than others. Majorities of white evangelical Protestants in all measurable religious attendance categories say abortion should be illegal in all or most cases. Conversely, majorities of white mainline Protestants and black Protestants in all religious attendance categories say abortion should be legal in all or most cases. &lt;br Frequency of church attendance also influences Americans’ views about the availability of abortion services in their neighborhoods.  Among those who attend religious services at least once a week, a slim majority (52%) disagree that there should be at least some health care professionals in their communities who provide legal abortions, but 42% of this group say these services should be available. Strong majorities of Americans who attend religious services monthly or a few times a year (63%) and those who attend seldom or never (74%) say at least some health care professional in their communities should provide legal abortions. These attendance patterns generally hold up within religious groups with two exceptions: majorities of even the most frequently attending white Mainline Protestants (62%) and black Protestants (52%) say at least some health care professionals should provide legal abortions in their communities.
* Certain theological views are also linked to views about abortion. Americans who say the Bible is the word of God and should be taken literally, word for word, are more likely to believe abortion should be illegal. Among this group, roughly 6-in-10 (59%) say abortion should be illegal in all or most cases and less than 4-in-10 (37%) say it should be legal in all or most cases. A majority (53%) of Americans who say the Bible is the literal word of God, but that not everything in it should be taken literally believe abortion should be legal. Among Americans who believe that the Bible is a book written by men and not the word of God, more than 8-in-10 believe abortion should be legal in all (34%) or most (49%) cases. These patterns generally hold across religious groups.
* Among Americans who attend church at least once or twice a month, majorities report hearing their clergy talk about the issue of abortion (54%) and homosexuality (51%) in church. There are dramatic differences, however, in this pattern among religious subgroups. &lt;br&gt; Regularly attending Catholics are significantly more likely than regular churchgoers overall to hear about the issue of abortion. More than 7-in-10 (72%) white Catholics who attend worship at least once or twice a month say their clergy talk about the issue of abortion, while only about one-third (35%) say they hear about the issue of homosexuality. The gap among regularly attending Latino Catholics is somewhat smaller, but they are still more likely to hear about the issue of abortion (63%) than homosexuality (49%). &lt;br&gt; There is a less pronounced emphasis gap among Protestants. Among white evangelicals, 57% report hearing about the issue of homosexuality, while 54% say they hear about abortion from their clergy. More than 6-in-10 (61%) black Protestants say their clergy speak out on the issue of homosexuality, while a smaller majority (52%) hear about abortion. White mainline Protestants are significantly less likely than any other religious group to hear their clergy talk about either issue; only about 4-in-10 report hearing about homosexuality (43%) or abortion (39%) in their churches.
* Americans who regularly attend religious services and hear their clergy speak about the issue of abortion or homosexuality report hearing that these issues are morally wrong. Among Americans who hear their clergy speak about abortion in church, 81% hear it is morally wrong, compared to just 3% who hear it is morally acceptable. Similarly, among Americans who hear their clergy speak about the issue of homosexuality in church, nearly 8-in-10 (77%) hear that it is morally wrong, compared to only 5% who hear that it is morally acceptable. &lt;br&gt;White mainline Protestants and white Catholics hear significantly different emphases from their clergy on these two issues. Three-quarters (75%) of white mainline Protestants hear from their clergy that abortion is morally wrong, compared to just 54% who report hearing their clergy say homosexuality is morally wrong. Among white Catholics, 86% report hearing their clergy say that abortion is morally wrong, compared to 64% who hear this same negative message about the issue of homosexuality. There are no significant differences in clergy messages on these two issues among white evangelicals, Latino Catholics, or black Protestants. &lt;br&gt; The messages Americans are hearing in church are strongly correlated with their views on the issues of abortion. Among Americans whose clergy say abortion is morally wrong, approximately two-thirds (66%) believe abortion should be illegal in all or most cases. In contrast, less than half of those who do not hear about the issue from their clergy, or whose clergy do not take a clear position on the issue, believe abortion should be illegal in all or most cases (42% and 45% respectively).
* Strong majorities of Americans believe it is possible to disagree with the teachings of their religion on the issue of abortion (72%) or homosexuality (63%) and still be considered a person of good standing in their faith. Protestants generally say there is more room for disagreement on the issue of abortion, while Catholics say there is more room for disagreement on the issue of homosexuality. &lt;br&gt; White mainline Protestants are more likely than any other major religious group to believe that they can still be a good Christian even if they disagree with the teachings of their religion on the issue of abortion (86%) or homosexuality (77%). More than two-thirds (67%) of white evangelicals say that it is possible to disagree with their religion’s teachings on abortion and still be considered a good Christian, but they are the only religious group in which less than a majority (47%) agree that it is possible to be a good Christian if one disagrees with their religion’s teachings on homosexuality.  Catholics are about as likely as other religious groups to say you can still be a good Catholic even if you disagree with official church teachings on abortion (68%), and they are significantly more likely than the general population to say the same about the issue of homosexuality (74%).
* Among Americans who identify with a religious faith, a majority overall give their places of worship high marks (either an ‘A’ or ‘B’) on how they handle the issues of abortion (58%) and homosexuality (55%). White evangelicals are most likely to give their churches high marks for how they are handling the issue of abortion (68%) and homosexuality (67%). Majorities of black Protestants also give their churches high marks for handling abortion (52%) and homosexuality (54%). &lt;br&gt; On the other hand, less than half of white mainline Protestants and Catholics give their places of worship high marks on either issue. Forty-nine percent of white mainline Protestants give their churches high marks on their handling of abortion, and nearly identical numbers give their churches high marks on their handling of homosexuality (48%). Among Catholics, 49% give high marks to their churches for how they handle the issue of abortion, but only 42% give their churches high marks for handling the issue of homosexuality. Catholics are more likely than other religious groups to give their churches low marks for handling both issues. About 1-in-4 Catholics give their places of worship low marks (either a ‘D’ or ‘F’) for their handling of both the issue of abortion (24%) and the issue of homosexuality (26%). &lt;br&gt; Among Catholics, 44% say the position of the Catholic Church on the issue of abortion is too conservative, 45% say the position of Catholic Church on the issue of abortion is about right, and just 7% say it is too liberal. Among Catholics who attend worship services at least once a week, less than one-third (31%) say the Church’s position is too conservative, while nearly 6-in-10 (59%) say it is about right. Catholics who say the position of Catholic Church on the issue of abortion is too conservative are more likely to give the Church poor marks for how it is handling the issue of abortion than Catholics overall (37% to 24% respectively).
* More than 6-in-10 (61%) Americans say that it is wrong for religious leaders to attempt to publicly pressure politicians on the issue of abortion, compared to 35% who say that it is right for religious leaders to do this. Two-thirds of white mainline Protestants (67%) and nearly 6-in-10 Catholics (58%) and black Protestants (58%) say it is wrong for religious leaders to publicly pressure politicians on the issue of abortion. Even among more politically conservative constituencies, such as Republicans (48%), Americans who identify with the Tea Party movement (49%), and white evangelical Protestants (49%), less than half say that it is right for religious leaders to attempt to publicly pressure politicians on the issue of abortion. There are no significant differences on this question by age, education, or gender.
* There are a number of factors that influence attitudes about abortion. Demographic factors like education, income, age, and race; religious factors like evangelical religious affiliation, frequency of attendance, and views of the Bible; and political characteristics like party affiliation and political ideology each are significant independent predictors of views about abortion. In addition to these well-known factors, we tested six new factors as predictors of views on the legality of abortion: holding a situationalist approach to morality; having empathetic traits; knowing someone who has had an abortion; knowing someone who has a special needs child; seeing recently an ultrasound of a fetus; or watching television programs featuring young unmarried women who are pregnant or who have young children.
* Americans who embrace a more situationalist ethic are much more likely to support legalized abortion than those who favor a more principle-based approach to moral issues. Among Americans who embrace a situationalist ethic, nearly two-thirds (64%) say abortion should be legal in all or most cases. In contrast, among Americans who embrace a principle-based approach to morality, a plurality (49%) say abortion should be illegal in all or most cases, and only 46% say abortion should be legal in all or most cases.
* Knowing someone who has had an abortion, however, has a strong influence on views about abortion. More than 6-in-10 (61%) Americans say that they know someone who has had an abortion, compared to 38% who say they do not. With the exception of seniors, there are no large differences between age groups; only 42% of seniors report knowing someone who has had an abortion. &lt;br&gt; Among those who know someone who has had an abortion, roughly two-thirds (64%) say this is someone in their own generation. About 1-in-5 (22%) say it is someone in another generation, and 13% say they know someone in both their own and another generation who has had an abortion. &lt;br&gt; There are significant differences in support for the legality of abortion between those who do and do not know someone who has had an abortion. Among Americans who say they know someone who has had an abortion, about 6-in-10 (61%) say it should be legal in all or most cases. Among those who do not know someone, less than half (49%) say abortion should be legal in all or most cases. &lt;br&gt; The experience of knowing someone who has had an abortion also has a strong influence on views about the availability of legal abortion in local communities.  Nearly two thirds (65%) of those who know someone who has had an abortion say at least some health care professionals in their local communities should provide legal abortions, compared to only 48% of those who do not know someone who has had an abortion.
* Nearly 6-in-10 (58%) Americans say they have recently seen an ultrasound image, either over email, in a printout or on Facebook. Younger Americans are significantly more likely than older Americans to report seeing an ultrasound. Nearly two-thirds (64%) of Millennials and 69% of Americans age 30-49 say they have recently seen an ultrasound, compared to only 35% of Americans age 65+. &lt;br&gt; When no other variables are controlled for, Americans who have recently seen an ultrasound image do not differ from the general public in their views about the legality of abortion. Like the general population, 56% of those who have seen an ultrasound image say abortion should be legal in all or most cases. However, when we applied other demographic controls in order to understand the isolated effect of seeing an ultrasound image, we find a modest but significant negative impact on support for legal abortion. In other words, Americans who have recently seen an ultrasound are less likely to say abortion should be legal in all or most cases than those who have not.
* Movies and television shows about young pregnant women or young unwed mothers have a modest but significant impact on views about the legality and morality of abortion. Overall, younger Americans are far more likely than older Americans to report having seen a television show or a movie about this topic. Among Millennials, more than 7-in-10 (71%) report having seen a movie or TV show about teenage pregnancy. Among seniors age 65 and up, fewer than one-third (31%) report having seen movies or shows that feature these themes. Roughly 1-in-5 (17%) Americans, including nearly 3-in-10 (29%) Millennials, report having seen one of MTV’s two popular reality shows on this topic: “16 and Pregnant” or “Teen Mom.” &lt;br&gt; Americans who have seen MTV’s shows “Teen Mom” or “16 and Pregnant” are significantly more likely than the general public to say that abortion should be legal in all or most cases (65% vs. 56% of the public) and to say that having an abortion is morally acceptable (48% vs. 40% of the public). They are also nearly twice as likely as those who have not seen these shows to say that at least some health care professionals in their communities should provide legal abortions (65% vs. 34% respectively).
* The analysis above allows us to sort out factors that are independent predictors of attitudes on abortion.  Of the six factors tested, four have a significant effect and two are not significant.  Among the significant factors, three have a positive significant effect on support for abortion being legal in all or most cases: holding a situationalist view of morality; knowing someone who has had an abortion; and having seen either of MTV’s two reality shows featuring young unmarried women who are pregnant or who have young children.  One item has a negative significant effect on support for abortion being legal in all or most cases: recently seeing an ultrasound image of a fetus.  Finally, two items had no significant effect: self-identifying as being empathetic and knowing someone with a special needs child.

=== “Racism, Birth Control, and Reproductive Rights&quot; (1990) ===
&lt;small&gt; Angela Davis, “Racism, Birth Control, and Reproductive Rights&quot; in Fried, Marlene Gerber (ed.). [https://books.google.com/books?id=keE5EmSKYr0C “From Abortion to Reproductive Freedom: Transforming a Movement”] (1990). South End Press. ISBN 9780896083875. &lt;/small&gt;
* The ranks of the abortion rights campaign did not include substantial numbers of women of color. Given the racial composition of the larger women’s liberation movement, this was not at all surprising. When questions were raised about the absence of racially oppressed women in both the larger movement and in the abortion rights campaign, two explanations were commonly proposed in the discussions and literature of the period: women of color were overburdened by their people’s fight against racism, and/or they had not yet become conscious of the centrality of sexism. But the real meaning of the almost lily0white complexion of the abortion rights campaign was not to be found in ostensibly myopic or underdeveloped consciousness among women of color. The truth lay buried in the ideological underpinnings of the birth control movement itself.&lt;br&gt; The failure of the abortion rights campaign to conduct a historical self-evaluation led to a  dangerously superficial appraisal of  Black people’s suspicious attitudes toward birth control in general. Granted, when some Black people unhesitatingly equated birth control with genocide, it did appear to be an exaggerated-even paranoid-reaction. Yet white abortion rights activists missed a profound message, for underlying these cries of genocide were important clues about the history of the birth control movement. This movement, for example, had been known to advocate involuntary sterilization-a racist form of mass “birth control.” If ever women would enjoy the right to plan their pregnancies, legal and easily accessible birth control measures and abortions would have to be complemented by an end to sterilization abuse.
** p.16

* When Black and Latina women resort to abortions in such large numbers, the stories they tell are not so much about the desire to be free of their pregnancy, but rather about the miserable social conditions which dissuade them from bringing new lives into the world. &lt;Br&gt; Black women have been aborting themselves since the earliest days of slavery. Many slave women refusing to bring children into a world of interminable forced labor, where chains and floggings and sexual abuse for women were the everyday conditions of life. A doctor practicing in Georgia around the middle of the last century noticed that abortions and miscarriages were far more common among his slave patients than among the white women he treated.&lt;br&gt; Why were self-imposed abortions and reluctant acts of infanticide such common occurrence during slavery? Not because Black women had discovered solutions to their predicament, but rather because they were desperate. Abortions and infanticides were acts of desperation, motivated not by the biological birth process but by the oppressive conditions of slavery. Most of these women, no doubt, would have expressed their deepest resentment had someone hailed their abortions as a stepping stone toward freedom.
** p.17

* During the early abortion rights campaign, it was too frequently assumed that legal abortions provided a viable alternative to the myriad problems posed by poverty. As if having fewer children would create more jobs, higher wages, better schools, etc. This assumption reflected the tendency to blur the distinction between “abortion rights” and the general advocacy of “abortions”. The campaign often failed to provide a voice for women who wanted the “right” to legal abortions while deploring the social conditions that prohibited them from bearing more children.
** p.17

* The abortion rights activists of the early 1970s should have examined the history of their movement. Had they done so, they might have understood why so many of their Black sisters adopted a posture of suspicion toward their cause. They might have understood how important it was to undo the racist deeds of their predecessors, who had advocated birth control as well as compulsory sterilization as a means of eliminating the “unfit” sectors of the population. Consequently, the young white feminists might have been more receptive to the suggestion that their campaign for abortion rights include a vigorous condemnation of sterilization abuse, which had become more widespread than ever. &lt;br&gt; It was not until the media decided that the casual sterilization of two Black girls in Montgomery, Alabama, was a scandal worth reporting that he Pandora’s box of sterilization abuse was finally flung open. But by the time the case of the Relf sisters broke, it was practically too late to influence the politics of the abortion rights movement. It was the summer of 1973 and the Supreme Court decision legalizing abortions had already been announced in January.
** pp.21-22

=== &quot;Disparities in Abortion Rates: A Public Health Approach&quot; ===
&lt;small&gt; Dehlendorf, Christine; Lisa Harris (October 1, 2013). [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3780732/ &quot;Disparities in Abortion Rates: A Public Health Approach&quot;]. American Journal of Public Health. 103 (10): 1772–1779. &lt;/small&gt;
* Women of lower socioeconomic status and women of color in the United States have higher rates of abortion than women of higher socioeconomic status and White women. Opponents of abortion use these statistics to argue that abortion providers are exploiting women of color and low socioeconomic status, and thus, regulations are needed to protect women. This argument ignores the underlying causes of the disparities. As efforts to restrict abortion will have no effect on these underlying factors, and instead will only result in more women experiencing later abortions or having an unintended childbirth, they are likely to result in worsening health disparities. We provide a review of the causes of abortion disparities and argue for a multifaceted public health approach to address them.
* The abortion rate in the United States is higher than that in most other developed countries.Although this fact alone requires attention, looking deeper within these statistics reveals an additional area of concern: similar to many health outcomes in the United States, there are substantial disparities in abortion rates in the United States, with low-income women and women of color having higher rates than affluent and White women. In 2008, the abortion rate for non-Hispanic White women was 12 abortions per 1000 reproductive-age women, compared with 29 per 1000 for Hispanic women, and 40 per 1000 for non-Hispanic Black women. Disparities in abortion rates also exist by socioeconomic status (SES), with women with incomes less than 100% of the federal poverty level (FPL) having an abortion rate of 52 abortions per 1000 reproductive-age women, compared with a rate of 9 per 1000 among those with incomes greater than 200% FPL. In analyses assessing both income and race/ethnicity, both are independently associated with abortion rates.
* In the past several years, the differences in rates of abortion have received increasing political attention, with those opposed to abortion rights citing differences in abortion rates as evidence of the diabolical nature of the “abortion industry.” Abortion rights opponents point to racial/ethnic differences in abortion rates as evidence of racism and coercion among those who support the right to obtain abortions. Not only do these messages explicitly blame those providing abortion for targeting communities of color, they also assign guilt to women of color who decide to have abortions by implying that they are falling victim to a racist conspiracy. Differences in abortion rates by income are also seen as evidence of exploitation by abortion providers, who are claimed to be aggressively profiting from public funding of abortion for low-income women. Although there is no evidence of racial targeting or routine profiteering by abortion providers, from the perspective of those who espouse these views, the problem of disparities in abortion rates can only be solved by limiting access to and utilization of abortion services. &lt;br&gt; Motivated by a concern that this politicized perspective on disparities in abortion rates fails to consider their actual underlying causes, and thus will not ultimately lead to meaningful policy or programmatic outcomes, we review what is known about the origins of disparities in abortion rates by both race/ethnicity and SES.
* Although popular discourse often focuses on making abortion “rare,” this does not allow for the reality that, for a woman with an unintended pregnancy who desires an abortion, being able to obtain this procedure in a timely and safe manner is in fact a desirable outcome. In addition, the framing of abortion as something that needs to be rare may actually contribute to the ongoing stigmatization of abortion and of women who seek it, which in turn can lead to delayed or unsafe abortion. However, as it is desirable to avoid an unintended pregnancy that leads to abortion in the first place, we suggest that it is constructive to address disparities in abortion rates that result from structural social inequalities—especially racism and poverty—without seeing abortion as a bad outcome once an unintended pregnancy has occurred. When such an approach is taken, the focus shifts from the overall number of abortions to helping women achieve their personal fertility desires.
* The documented disparities in abortion rates in the United States mirror other fundamental inequalities: people of color and those with lower income and less education fare worse across a wide range of health outcomes, including infant mortality, cancer incidence, and life expectancy. These disparities are related to systemic hardships experienced by disadvantaged communities, including decreased access to health care, higher levels of stress, exposure to racial discrimination, and poorer living and working conditions. Understanding the systemic nature of these disparities and their relationship to health outcomes provides an essential context to the consideration of disparities in abortion rates. This broader understanding is of particular importance given the cultural tendency for discussion of abortion and sexual health to engender judgment of individual women’s behavior, as well as a historical propensity for negative stereotyping about the sexual and reproductive behavior of non-White and lower-income individuals. &lt;br&gt; We share the perspectives of important theorists of race and health who have noted that the continued use of classifications of race, ethnicity, and SES are important, not because they identify meaningful differences at the level of individual behavior or biology, but rather because they reflect larger systems of structural inequality, including racism and systematic inequalities in both opportunities and power. In this approach race is understood as a social and political rather than a biological category. As a consequence, data presented throughout this article on higher rates of both poor health outcomes and higher risk behaviors in women of color and low-SES women should be seen as reflective of adverse social circumstances rather than individual failings. In a similar way, data on lower rates of adverse health outcomes and risk behaviors in White and more affluent women should be seen as reflective of the privileges and advantages that accompany membership in a dominant social group.
* Race/ethnicity and SES (and gender) intersect to form a person’s identity, and these dimensions of identity affect all aspects of day-to-day life. Among other things, they influence where people live, the nutritional value of food to which they have ready access, and the degree of discrimination or respect people experience. In addition, race/ethnicity and SES circumscribe educational and vocational opportunities, and access to quality health care and to health insurance.21 These factors have also played significant roles in the ways in which reproduction has historically been allowed, required, or denied for populations of women.14,22–24 Therefore, although we do present data about individual-level factors influencing disparities in reproductive health indicators, our ultimate goal is to create greater understanding of the pervasive economic and social forces that underlie them.
* Although the proportion of pregnancies that are unintended is high for all women at 51%, there are significant differences among population subgroups. Rates of unintended pregnancy are highest among Blacks, Hispanics, and women with lower SES. The most recent data in which the independent effects of race/ethnicity and SES have been examined come from the 2008 National Survey of Family Growth (NSFG). By race/ethnicity, 70% of all pregnancies among Black women and 57% among Hispanic women were unintended, compared with 42% among White women. With respect to income, 64% of pregnancies among women with an income of less than 100% FPL were unintended, whereas only 37% of pregnancies were unintended among women with an income of more than 200% FPL. There were similar findings by educational level. Furthermore, this analysis demonstrated that both Black and Hispanic race/ethnicity and being lower-income were independent predictors of unintended pregnancy. &lt;br&gt; With regard to unintended pregnancy, an additional important consideration is the rate of adolescent pregnancy, of which more than 80% are unintended. Significant racial/ethnic disparities exist in this outcome as well, with a rate of 44 pregnancies per 1000 females between ages 15 and 19 years among non-Hispanic Whites, 124 per 1000 among non-Hispanic Blacks, and 129 per 1000 among Hispanics. Although the overall rate of adolescent pregnancy has declined over the past decade, disparities between groups have persisted, and similar disparities exist by socioeconomic variables. 
* Risk of unintended pregnancy is associated with sexual activity, either without use of contraceptive protection or with the use of a contraceptive method that is ineffective in that instance. In addition, age of initiation of sexual activity is itself a risk factor for adolescent pregnancy. Though recent data show that adolescents are delaying sexual initiation to older ages, the proportion of adolescents who engage in sexual intercourse varies by race/ethnicity and by SES. National studies have consistently shown that Black adolescents initiate intercourse at younger ages than White adolescents. By contrast, Hispanics have the oldest mean age of sexual initiation, at age 18 years. Researchers have also shown an inverse relationship between sexual experience and SES.
* For women and girls who are sexually active and who do not currently desire children, use of contraceptive methods is clearly associated with the ability to prevent pregnancy. Studies performed at the national and regional levels have found that there are differences in effective use of contraception by women’s race/ethnicity and SES that likely influence disparities in unintended pregnancy. The most striking disparities in contraception use are those in the percentage of women at risk for unintended pregnancy who report using no contraceptive method. In the most recent NSFG, which includes data from 2006 to 2010, 17.2% of Black women and 10.4% of Hispanic women at risk for unintended pregnancy were using no contraceptive method, compared with 9.5% of non-Hispanic White women. Although there were no differences by education and income in these most recent data, previous versions of the NSFG have found differences by these socioeconomic variables. Analyses of the NSFG have not isolated the independent effects of race/ethnicity and socioeconomic factors, but other studies have found that generally differences by education and race/ethnicity persist after adjustment, and income is not as strongly associated. &lt;br&gt; Among women using contraception, race/ethnicity has also been found to be associated with decreased likelihood of using highly effective methods, whereas socioeconomic variables have not been associated with this finding. In the most recent NSFG, 14.1% of non-Hispanic White women who used contraception relied on condoms, compared with 18.1% of Hispanics and 19.5% of Blacks. Although this analysis did not control for confounding factors, studies using multivariate techniques have also found that race/ethnicity is associated with use of less effective methods such as condoms. Although higher rates of condom use may be appropriate for the prevention of sexually transmitted infections, including HIV, they are less efficacious at preventing pregnancy. &lt;br&gt; Other studies have looked at contraceptive failure rates by sociodemographic factors, and have found that both income and race/ethnicity are associated with a higher likelihood of failure among those using contraception. Data from the 2002 NSFG found that Blacks and Hispanics had a 21% and 15% rate, respectively, of contraceptive failure in 1 year, compared with 10% among non-Hispanic Whites, and those with an income less than 100% FPL had a 20% failure rate, compared with 8% for those with an income greater than 200% FPL. Although some of these differences are likely attributable to differences in the contraceptive methods used, this study found differences in condom failure rates by both race/ethnicity and income, suggesting that differences in failure rates may exist even among those using the same method. Continuation of a chosen contraceptive method also has an impact on the risk of unintended pregnancy, as discontinuation can be associated with gaps in contraceptive use. While studies of predictors of method discontinuation have been limited, analyses with NSFG data have found that Black and low-SES women have higher rates of discontinuation of the oral contraceptive pill. These analyses indicate that both race/ethnicity and SES are associated with selection of contraceptive methods, as well as women’s use of their chosen method.
* As noted previously, chronic disadvantage and stress experienced by low-SES individuals and people of color in the United States influence disparities in multifaceted ways. For example, living in disadvantaged neighborhoods is associated with adverse health behaviors such as smoking, and experiences of discrimination are associated with decreased likelihood of seeking preventive health services. These same hardships may underlie disparities in timing of initiation of sexual activity and contraceptive use, and the resulting disparities in unintended pregnancy and abortion rates. Although the pathways by which this occurs have not been comprehensively investigated, topics that have been studied include differences in neighborhood-level resources and opportunities, access to and quality of family planning care, mistrust of health care providers and contraceptive technologies, perceived infertility, and pregnancy attitudes. In combination, these areas of research begin to indicate the pervasiveness of the disadvantage that women of color and low-SES women face in the context of their reproductive lives. &lt;br&gt; An important influence on sexual initiation is the neighborhood in which adolescents live. Studies have found higher sexual risk for young people living in neighborhoods where there are higher levels of poverty, idle youths, and social disorganization, and lower proportions of working women and lack of economic and educational opportunities. Analyses controlling for both neighborhood and individual-level characteristics that have found little or no differences by race or individual socioeconomic variables suggest the importance of these structural influences on sexual activity. 
* With respect to contraceptive use, factors underlying the findings (i.e., lower-SES women and women of color being less likely to use contraception, less likely to use highly effective methods, and more likely to discontinue methods than higher-SES and White women) include differences in access to, quality of, and acceptability of family planning, as well as differences in perceived need for family planning. With respect to access, lack of insurance coverage for contraception and family planning care is a significant barrier, as it is estimated that more than half of US women of reproductive age are in need of publicly funded family planning care, and only 40% of these women actually receive these services. Low-SES women and Black and Hispanic women are more likely to be uninsured and, therefore, lack of insurance coverage is a likely contributor to disparities in contraceptive use. &lt;br&gt; Even when receiving family planning care, poor and non-White women may continue to face barriers to contraceptive use. Quality of care is one factor, as non-White patients have been found to be less likely to rate their family planning visits positively. In addition, studies have suggested that women of color may experience pressure to utilize contraceptives and limit their family size, and also may receive different recommendations from their providers about family planning methods. One survey study found that approximately two thirds of Black women reported having experienced race-based discrimination when receiving family planning care. As pressure to utilize a method and lower quality of care have been associated with lower contraceptive use, these factors may contribute to disparities in reproductive outcomes.
* Another potential related contributor to differences by race/ethnicity in contraceptive use is the finding that women of color may have less knowledge and more concerns about contraceptive methods than do White women. One potential explanation for lower knowledge is that Black and Hispanic adolescents are less likely to receive sexuality education that includes information about birth control methods. Skepticism of contraception may relate to distrust of the health care system in general, as well as concern about the motivation of family planning programs grounded in the historical context of coercive family planning policies targeted at these same groups of women. A recent analysis of a nationally representative survey indicated that skepticism about the motivation of family planning providers is widespread; 42% of Blacks and 51% Hispanics surveyed believed that the government promotes birth control to limit minorities, compared with only 25% of Whites.
* Finally, women of color have been found to be more likely to perceive themselves to be infertile, which may decrease their motivation to use contraception. In fact, these fears of infertility are not unfounded as women of color and low-SES women have substantially higher rates of infertility than White women and women of higher SES.
* Pregnancy ambivalence—defined as having a lack of definitive intention regarding pregnancy planning—has increasingly been studied as a central concept in women’s reproductive health, and may have relevance to reproductive health disparities. Studies have found that women who are ambivalent about pregnancy are more likely not to use contraception at all, to use it infrequently, to have gaps in use, and to use less effective methods of contraception. Studies investigating differences in pregnancy attitudes by race/ethnicity include one that found that 39% of Latinas and 37% of Black women provided ambivalent responses about pregnancy, compared with 16% of White women. In addition, there are differences by race/ethnicity in pregnancy intention among adolescents, with the 2002 NSFG reporting that 66% of White female adolescents would be “very upset” if they were to become pregnant, compared with only 51% of Blacks and 46% of Hispanics. No similar studies have investigated differences in pregnancy ambivalence by SES. Although the reasons behind these racial/ethnic differences in pregnancy ambivalence have not been well-studied, they may relate to the presence or absence of alternative life opportunities, the perception of control over one’s life course, the availability of social supports for early childbearing, and lack of perceived adverse effects of unplanned childbearing.
* Disparities in abortion rates are related to disparities in unintended pregnancy, and associated disparities in contraceptive use. Structural factors, including economic disadvantage, neighborhood characteristics, lack of access to family planning, and mistrust in the medical system underlie these findings. &lt;br&gt; Understanding this context allows us to critically consider the efforts of abortion rights opponents to politicize disparities in abortion rates as part of a larger effort to limit access to abortion care through such means as expanding regulations on abortion care, including increased waiting periods and counseling and facilities requirements. This focus on limiting access to abortion does nothing to mitigate the underlying inequities in wealth, education, health care, discrimination, or other life experiences that may influence reproductive health disparities, nor do they address specific disparities in contraceptive use or unintended pregnancy that lead to disparities in abortion rates. Instead, the resulting policies result in more women experiencing later abortions or having an unintended childbirth. As later abortions are associated with higher medical risk and greater cost to women, and unintended childbirth is associated with decreased opportunities for education and paid employment, as well as with adverse maternal and infant health effects, this orientation has the potential to cause worsened health and social outcomes and to increase medical and social disparities.
* Additional barriers to contraceptive use that can be addressed include gaps in knowledge about contraceptive methods and concerns about safety, especially among women of color. Improving contraceptive counseling is one strategy to accomplish this goal; further research is needed on ways to assist women in making informed decisions about their contraceptive use. One focus of this counseling can be ensuring that women have accurate knowledge about the most highly effective reversible methods—intrauterine devices and the contraceptive implant—as expanded use of these methods would have a substantial impact on unintended pregnancy. However, because of the history of coercive family planning care in the United States, particular attention should be paid to ensuring that patient autonomy is prioritized in this counseling and that issues of possible patient mistrust are addressed. Indeed, we are in need of data about how women in general—and low-income women and women of color in particular—experience the recent push among family planning specialists to increase use of these methods. For clinicians, these methods may be understood simply as a means to decrease unintended pregnancy, but to women—and perhaps low-income and women of color in particular, in light of historical atrocities—they may carry different meanings, such as coercion, lack of trust in patients, or that doctors do not want poor or minority women to reproduce.
* Because there is extensive variation in the sexual education that is provided in schools, more standardized curriculums and laws to ensure compliance could have an impact on disparities.
* Whereas abortion is overall lower risk than continuing a pregnancy to term, abortions at later gestational ages are associated with greater risk than those performed earlier. As Black women and women with lower levels of education are more likely to have later abortions, this exposes them to greater health risks. Improving access to abortion would therefore have a positive impact on disparities in abortion-related morbidity. In addition, disparities in maternal morbidity and mortality and infant mortality illustrate the importance of ensuring quality care for women who continue their pregnancies and in providing economic supports to reduce the contribution of poverty to these outcomes.
* Providing public and private insurance coverage for abortions is an important component of improving access to abortion, and would enable low-income women who desire abortions to obtain them in a safe and timely manner. This would have a beneficial impact on health outcomes through helping to ensure that women receive abortion care at the earliest and, therefore, safest gestational age possible. Currently, federal money, including Medicaid funds, cannot be used to pay for abortions unless the pregnancy is a result of rape or incest or the pregnant woman’s life is in danger. In addition, 33 states ban the use of state funds except in cases where federal funds are available. Even in cases where women should be eligible for federal funds, few are able to access this financial support.
* As the mean charge for a nonhospital abortion at 10 weeks gestation is $543, and the mean charge for a nonhospital abortion at 20 weeks is $1562, there are substantial financial barriers to access, particularly among low-SES populations. These barriers affect women’s ability to obtain timely abortion services, as indicated by a study that found that low-SES women reported that the cost of paying for an abortion delayed their access to abortion, and other studies that have found that the cost of abortion is in general a barrier to care. A study in California, in which Medicaid funding is available, further supports the importance of the availability of public funding on access to abortion. Women who reported difficulties obtaining Medicaid coverage experienced 4-times-greater odds of having an abortion in the second trimester compared with those who did not experience barriers to this coverage.
* Additional steps that can be taken to improve access to abortion services include decreasing state regulations, such as mandatory waiting periods, which pose barriers to care, and increasing the number of providers. Currently, 87% of all counties in the United States do not have an abortion provider, and 35% of women of reproductive age live in these counties. This lack of available services results in many women accessing abortion services having to travel long distances. &lt;br&gt; This attention to expanding and facilitating access to abortion care is in direct contradiction to the approach taken by those whose focus is on decreasing abortions, and reflects a focus on optimizing and decreasing disparities in health outcomes, rather than emphasizing a goal of reducing the absolute number of abortion procedures. In addition to these benefits on the timing of abortion, improving access to abortion care would ensure that all women are able to make the decision that is best for them regarding childbearing when faced with an unintended pregnancy. It is not surprising that studies have found that restricted access to abortion services can limit women’s ability to abort a pregnancy when they wish to do so, and that these effects may be particularly pronounced for Black women and women with lower educational attainment. As unintended childbearing is associated with adverse effects, this can further exacerbate health and social disparities. Although there is a general social discomfort with conceptualizing an increase in the number of abortions as a positive outcome, consideration of the interrelated aspects of women’s reproductive health makes clear that limiting abortion does not address the largest underlying cause of abortion—unintended pregnancy—but rather only results in increasing disparities, in addition to limiting women’s ability to control their reproductive lives.
* Women who continue their pregnancies should have access to quality prenatal care to help reduce disparities in birth outcomes among women of color and low-SES women compared with White women and women with more financial resources. Although public financing for prenatal care was expanded substantially in the 1980s, there continue to be documented disparities in receipt of prenatal care and in the quality of care provided, as well as disparities in maternal and infant outcomes by race and SES. Efforts to improve the accessibility and quality of these services can further ensure that all women who continue their unplanned pregnancies have the best possible pregnancy outcomes. &lt;br&gt; An additional consideration in supporting women who wish to continue their pregnancies is the fact that women may decide to terminate pregnancies out of a realistic assessment of the level of economic social supports available to them after a child is born. This is especially true with the presence of maximum family size policies, which deny increases in welfare benefits after the birth of additional children, in many states. Indeed, research suggests that inability to afford a(nother) child is a commonly expressed reason for seeking an abortion. Policies that provide additional economic supports for low-income parents are an important component of ensuring that women are making the reproductive decisions that are best for them.
* The recent expansion of efforts to use disparities in abortion rates as a political strategy to justify limiting access to abortion has the potential to increase disparities in women’s health by increasing abortions at later gestational ages and raising rates of unintended childbirth. In addition, decreased access to abortion limits women’s ability to make the best decisions about childbearing for themselves and their families. Research and policy that recognizes the importance of all aspects of women’s reproductive health—including pregnancy prevention, abortion care, pregnancy services, and economic supports—are essential to meeting the reproductive health care needs of low-SES women and women of color. This work must recognize that, although disparities are associated with differences in individual-level factors, these factors are constrained and produced by larger structural inequities, including racism and poverty, and by a legacy of coercive reproductive health policies.

=== “Opposition and Intimidation: The abortion wars and strategies of political harassment” (2007) ===
&lt;small&gt; Alesha E. Doan (2007). [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Opposition_and_Intimidation/tJnZWitvR6oC?hl=en&amp;gbpv=1&amp;printsec=frontcover “Opposition and Intimidation: The abortion wars and strategies of political harassment”]. University of Michigan Press. Ch. 1, “Political Protest or Political Harassment? Social Movements, Morality Politics, and Abortion” &lt;/small&gt;
* By the 1990s, 86 percent of abortion providers continued to be the targets of various forms of harassment (Forrest and Henshaw 1987; Johnson 1999, 248; Cozzarelli and Major 1998; Henshaw 1995a).
** p.24

* For the longest time they thought  I was wearing a disguise-you know, the long bear… they went on the radio and said a lot of outrageous things. And then it began to get more personalized. And they called my house, wrote letters, things like that. There were occasions when they tried to follow us after leaving the clinic but they always gave up. [Now] they are actually using my physical image and broadcasting it around. (Interview with a doctor who works for several abortion clinics, 1999)
** p.27

* It’s uglier now; the tone [of the protest] is uglier. I had to tint my [car] windows because I pick up the doctor, and install a security system in my house because I know they are coming within two blocks of my house. I have a young son at home. So these were the steps we had to take. (Interview with the director of a women’s health clinic, 1999) 
** p.27

* Right way they were drawn to me because I’m an older woman and they thought they were going to scare me off. So they lit right into me and started with the postcards after they got my license plate number. And they sent postcards to my neighbors where I live and it said “this is Barbara Anderson and she is happy. She wants you to know that she is very pleased to be killing babies at the Planned Parenthood Clinic.” One time I returned home to find a plastic bag of tose heads hanging on my gate… with a letter saying we hope you like roses and it went on to say that they wished I wouldn’t do this terrible thing. (Interview with Barbara Anderson, Planned Parenthood volunteer escort, (November 2003)
** p.27

=== “U.S. Supreme Court strikes down Louisiana abortion law, similar to Ohio’s, requiring doctors to have agreements with nearby hospitals” (June 29, 2020) ===
&lt;small&gt; Sabrina Eaton, cleveland.com and Laura Hancock, cleveland.com , [https://www.cleveland.com/open/2020/06/us-supreme-court-strikes-down-louisiana-abortion-law-similar-to-ohios-requiring-docs-to-have-admitting-privileges-at-nearby-hospitals.html  “U.S. Supreme Court strikes down Louisiana abortion law, similar to Ohio’s, requiring doctors to have agreements with nearby hospitals”]. Cleveland. June 29, 2020. &lt;/small&gt;
* “Even if they obtain an appointment at a clinic, women who might previously have gone to a clinic in Baton Rouge or Shreveport would face increased driving distances,” Breyer wrote. “New Orleans is nearly a five hour drive from Shreveport; it is over an hour from Baton Rouge; and Baton Rouge is more than four hours from Shreveport. The impact of those increases would be magnified by Louisiana’s requirement that every woman undergo an ultrasound and receive mandatory counseling at least 24 hours before an abortion.”
* Roberts wrote a separate opinion that concurred with the majority. He referred to a 2016 court decision about a similar Texas law -- from which he had dissented. But he wrote that his hands were tied. &lt;br&gt; “The result in this case is controlled by our decision four years ago invalidating a nearly identical Texas law,” Roberts wrote. “The Louisiana law burdens women seeking previability abortions to the same extent as the Texas law, according to factual findings that are not clearly erroneous. For that reason, I concur in the judgment of the Court that the Louisiana law is unconstitutional.”
* Ohio abortion rights proponents, such as Tam Nickerson of Cleveland’s Preterm abortion and sexual health clinic, celebrated the ruling. &lt;br&gt; “Today’s Supreme Court ruling ensures that clinics can keep providing care for the patients that trust us,” she said in a statement. “But it’s not enough to keep things as they are. Systemic attacks on abortion have impacted the number of clinics open across Ohio and the country, and these attacks will not stop with today’s ruling. Ohio politicians are considering many anti-abortion measures in session right now. Fortunately, today’s ruling will allow us to continue serving our patients and fighting for a world where abortion and reproductive healthcare access are even more available without shame or stigma.”
* Aaron Baer, president of Citizens for Community Values, a Christian policy organization, said the decision was disappointing. &lt;br&gt; “The Supreme Court has put politics over the health and safety of women,” he said. “Louisiana was simply trying to hold surgical abortion facilities to the same standard as other surgical facilities. This is the definition of an undemocratic decision when five unelected judges can overrule an entire state legislature.”
* Justice Clarance Thomas, in a dissent, wrote that the Louisiana clinic didn’t have standing. He argued that women don’t have a right to abortion under the privacy guarantees in the 14th Amendment. &lt;br&gt; “Moreover, the fact that no five Justices can agree on the proper interpretation of our precedents today evinces that our abortion jurisprudence remains in a state of utter entropy. Since the Court decided Roe, Members of this Court have decried the unworkability of our abortion case law and repeatedly called for course corrections of varying degrees,” Thomas wrote.
* Justice Samuel Alito wrote a dissent for himself and Gorsuch, to disagree with part of Thomas’ dissent. Furthermore, Gorsuch wrote part of his own dissent, as did Kavanaugh. &lt;br&gt; “In any event, contrary to the view taken by the plurality and (seemingly) by the Chief Justice, there is ample evidence in the record showing that admitting privileges help to protect the health of women by ensuring that physicians who perform abortions meet a higher standard of competence than is shown by the mere possession of a license to practice,” Alito wrote.
* Abortion rights advocates say the Louisiana law was adopted to shutter abortion clinics, like an Ohio law that requires abortion clinics to have transfer agreements with nearby hospitals. They argue the admissions credentials aren’t needed and hospitals frequently deny admitting privileges to doctors who provide abortions, for reasons ranging from ideological opposition, fear of backlash, or the fact that their patients rarely need emergency care. &lt;br&gt; Attorneys told the Supreme Court that implementing the Louisiana law would force closure of every abortion clinic in the state except one, and allow just one doctor in the state to perform abortions.
* NARAL Pro-Choice Ohio Deputy Director Jaime Miracle said Ohio’s law has forced closure of abortion clinics in Toledo and Cincinnati that couldn’t get transfer agreements with nearby hospitals. Abortion providers say the agreements are unnecessary because federal laws require hospitals to take in any patient who comes to them in an emergency. Abortion clinics are also challenging Ohio’s law in federal court.  &lt;br&gt; The Louisiana law at issue in the case, June Medical Services v. Russo, is identical to a Texas law the court ruled unconstitutional in its 2016 Whole Women’s Health v. Hellerstedt decision. The law’s opponents contended it should be rejected on those grounds. The attorney for June Medical Services Julie Rikelman, told the court that nothing has changed “that would justify such a legal about-face.” &lt;br&gt; “The lack of benefits of these laws is not state-dependent,” Rikelman said when the case was argued in March. “The medical consensus is clear that in no state do they serve health and safety benefits. And, in fact, even the federal government a few months ago removed an admitting privileges requirement from its regulations of surgery centers nationwide, finding that the requirement is medically unnecessary and imposes burdens.”
* Louisiana Solicitor General Elizabeth Murrill told the court her state’s law and regulatory structure are different from the Texas law that was overturned. &lt;br&gt; “Louisiana’s decision to require abortion providers to have admitting privileges was iustified by abundant evidence of life-threatening health and safety violations, malpractice, noncompliance with professional licensing rules, legislative testimony from post-abortive women, testimony from doctors who took care of abortion providers’ abandoned patients,” Murrill argued. “Doctors and healthcare providers and healthcare facilities are heavily regulated for ethics reasons and for consumer protection.” &lt;br&gt; She said the record showed that abortion doctors who applied for privileges at hospitals “can get privileges, they did get privileges.” &lt;br&gt; “These doctors should not be able to challenge a regulation that protects people -- that -- that is intended to protect a class of people from a certain type of activity,” said Murrill. “It’s health and safety regulations.”

===  &quot;Alabama Lawmakers Move To Outlaw Abortion In Challenge To Roe V. Wade&quot; (May 1, 2019) ===
&lt;small&gt; Elliott, Debbie (May 1, 2019). [https://www.npr.org/2019/05/01/719096129/alabama-lawmakers-move-to-outlaw-abortion-in-challenge-to-roe-v-wade &quot;Alabama Lawmakers Move To Outlaw Abortion In Challenge To Roe V. Wade&quot;]. NPR.org. Retrieved May 6, 2019. &lt;/small&gt;
* In what would likely become the most restrictive abortion ban in the country, the Alabama House Tuesday passed a bill that would make it a crime for doctors to perform abortions at any stage of a pregnancy, unless a woman's life is threatened. The legislation is part of a broader anti-abortion strategy to prompt the U.S. Supreme Court to reconsider the right to abortion. &lt;br&gt; Republican state Rep. Terri Collins of Decatur, Ala., defended her &quot;Human Life Protection Act&quot; during at times contentious debate on the House floor.  &lt;br&gt; &quot;This bill is focused on that baby that's in the womb that is a person,&quot; Collins said. &quot;That baby, I believe, would choose life.&quot; 
* Democratic lawmakers walked out in protest before the final 74-3 vote. During debate, they questioned the motive for an abortion ban in a state that has refused to expand Medicaid. &quot;I do support life, but there are some people that just support birth, they don't support life,&quot; said Democratic Rep. Merika Coleman of Birmingham, Ala. &quot;Because after a child is born there are some things that need to happen. We need to make sure that child has adequate health care,&quot; Coleman said.
* &quot;When a woman is pregnant, an abortion is no longer legal,&quot; says Collins, explaining the bill. &lt;br&gt; The bill criminalizes abortion, meaning doctors would face felony jail time up to 99 years if convicted. The only exceptions are for a serious health risk to the pregnant woman or a lethal anomaly of the fetus. There are no exceptions for cases of rape or incest. A woman would not be held criminally liable for having an abortion. &lt;br&gt; Collins says the bill follows a constitutional amendment approved by Alabama voters last year that recognizes the &quot;rights of unborn children.&quot; It defies the U.S. Supreme Court's landmark decision that protects a woman's right to abortion. &lt;br&gt; &quot;This bill is simply about Roe v. Wade,&quot; says Collins. &quot;The decision that was made back in 1973 would not be the same decision that was decided upon today if you relooked at the issue.&quot; 
* Alabama Pro-Life Coalition President Eric Johnston says there's a reason there's so much activity now. &quot;The dynamic has changed,&quot; Johnston says. &quot;The judges have changed, a lot of changes over that time, and so I think we're at the point where we need to take a bigger and a bolder step.&quot; The bold move to outlaw nearly all abortions is drawing protests from abortion-rights advocates.  &lt;br&gt; A coalition called Unite for Reproductive and Gender Equity demonstrated outside the Alabama State House last month.  &lt;br&gt; &quot;This bill is an awful piece of grandstanding,&quot; said Amanda Reyes of Tuscaloosa, Ala. She is president of the Yellowhammer Fund, a group that helps women pay for abortions. &quot;If you make abortion illegal somewhere that doesn't mean that abortion goes away,&quot; says Reyes. &quot;It just becomes more difficult and more dangerous to access.&quot; 
* The bill is expected to win final passage in the Republican-majority Alabama Senate. The ACLU of Alabama says it will sue if the abortion ban becomes law.  &lt;br&gt; Executive Director Randall Marshall says the bill is unconstitutional. &quot;There is simply nothing that Alabama can do to interfere with the right of access to abortion,&quot; Marshall says. &quot;That is a federal right and the federal Constitution clearly trumps all state law.&quot; 

=== “Abortion Debate” (2008) === 
&lt;small&gt; Farrell, Courtney (2008). [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Abortion_Debate/lxx6AgAAQBAJ?hl=en&amp;gbpv=1 “Abortion Debate”]. ABDO Publishing Company. &lt;/small&gt;
* When a woman gets an abortion, she is intentionally ending her pregnancy. Since abortion ends a developing human life, it is a sensitive subject. Some people are so opposed to abortion that they believe it should be illegal. Others believe a woman should have the right to make the choice of whether to have an abortion. &lt;br&gt; The question of abortion is a question about rights. Activists choose sides in the conflict depending on whose rights they most passionately defend. The fetus, the pregnant woman, her male partner, and the couple’s parents all have advocates who defend their rights. In this debate, we see democracy in action. &lt;br&gt; Almost half of the pregnancies that occur in the United States are not planned. Approximately 40 percent of these pregnancies end in abortion. In other cases, mothers who may have been troubled by their pregnancies grow to love their babies. Still, 10 percent of newborn babies are reported as unwanted. Some situations are resolved by adoptive parents raising the baby. Other babies, often those of drug addicts or rape victims, are abandoned at hospitals. These babies receive care as wards of the state and eventually are put up for adoption. Children with physical and emotional disabilities are not likely to be adopted and are raised in orphanages. &lt;br&gt; Should abortion be a choice? Opinions differ, but one-third of U.S. women will have had an abortion by age 45.
** Chapter 1 “A Sensitive Subject”, pp. 6–7. 

* A 1327 English law made abortion legal at any time during pregnancy. In England, abortion was still legal by 1670, but the American colonies had different rules. In the colonies, abortion was illegal, though it did not carry as severe a penalty as murder. 
** p.18

* Records from early America reveal a society quite different from the morally strict one often portrayed in stories. Although the colonies were founded by stern religious groups sex before marriage was not uncommon. Records detailed marriages and births in the colonies. They also revealed that, before 1680, 3 percent of newly married women gave birth within six months of their marriage, and 8 percent had babies in fewer than nine months from their wedding day. This trend continued over time, and from 1760-1800, one-third of all brides gave birth to their first child in less than nine months of marriage. There was little dishonor in this, and even when unmarried women had babies, they could become “respectable” by marrying the baby’s father. &lt;br&gt; Colonial law stated that a single woman could say the name of her baby’s father while she was in labor, and the court would automatically believe her. This practice stemmed from the danger of dying in childbirth in a time before Cesarean surgical births were possible. In the deeply religious colonies, it was believed a woman would never lie before possibly meeting God. &lt;br&gt; If the father of the baby was already married, or unwilling to marry the mother, the couple faced disgrace. Although the father would be ordered to pay child support, many women were desperate to avoid dishonor.
** ”Abortion From Past to Present”, pp.19-20

* In colonial times, surgical abortions were so dangerous, women almost never survived them. But many substances to bring about abortions were known. Depending on the amount used, these could accidentally kill both the mother and the fetus, kill only the fetus, or fail to work at all. 
** ”Abortion From Past to Present”, p.20

* During the 1800s, American cities were growing. Many young people left their rural villages and traveled to cities in search of work. This trend had the side effect of removing many young people form the influence of their families. When single women became pregnant, there was no less pressure from the community for the issue to be resolved by marriage. &lt;br&gt; Although many churches opposed it, abortion was legal in most places in America during the nineteenth century. Midwives often prescribed herbs that would cause abortions, and advertisements for tonics that promised to cure “menstrual blockages” were common in publications of the time. American courts first took up the issue in 1812, in the “Commonwealth v. Bangs” case. In “Bangs”, the Massachusetts Supreme Court pronounced abortion legal, but only before quickening-the time when the mother could feel the fetus moving. At this point society had not addressed the question of the rights of the unborn. Laws were passed primarily to protect women’s lives. Many women were injured or killed each year either by abortion-inducing drugs or by surgical abortions performed by inept folk healers.
** ”Abortion From Past to Present”, pp.21-22

* In response to an 1859 AMA resolution against abortion, state laws began banning abortion. At this point in time, there was no pro-life movement. Abortion was banned mainly because it was unsafe. By 1890, abortion was illegal throughout most of the United States. However, despite a ban in Michigan, in 1882 doctors in that state reported that 17 to 32 percent of all pregnancies were still aborted.
** ”Abortion From Past to Present”, pp.22-23

* By 1900, abortion was illegal in all states except Kentucky, though it was only allowed in cases when it was necessary to maintain the life or health of the mother. These special cases were called “therapeutic abortions.” However, it was up to the physician to determine when an abortion was necessary. Some doctors interpreted the law loosely, especially in cases involving wealthy women or those with connections to the medical profession. &lt;br&gt; Although abortion was illegal, enforcement of the law was weak, and women were rarely brought to trial. In 1904, a Chicago doctor reported that 10 to 13 percent of all pregnancies in the city were ending in abortion.
** ”Abortion From Past to Present”, p.23

* Since all legal abortions were supposed to be therapeutic, hospitals limited the number of abortions they would perform. If an abortion was necessary to preserve the woman’s health, she was often required to be made sterile to prevent her from ever getting pregnant again. Therapeutic abortions for poor women were denied more often than those for wealthy ones. 
** p.32

* Despite the pill, many unintended pregnancies still ended in illegal abortions. Women often died as a result of illegal abortions, often performed by abortionists who were not doctors. The problem was worse for women of color. In the early 1960s in New York City, one out of four child-birth related deaths among white women was caused by abortion but abortion caused half of such deaths among nonwhite women.
** pp.33-34

=== &quot;Reasons U.S. Women Have Abortions: Quantitative and Qualitative Perspectives&quot; (2005) ===
&lt;small&gt; Finer, Lawrence B.; Frohwirth, Lori F.; Dauphinee, Lindsay A.; Singh, Susheela; Moore, Ann M. (2005). &quot;Reasons U.S. Women Have Abortions: Quantitative and Qualitative Perspectives&quot; (PDF). Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health. 37 (3): 110–18. &lt;/small&gt;
* RESULTS: The reasons most frequently cited were that having a child would interfere with a woman’s education, work or ability to care for dependents (74%); that she could not afford a baby now (73%); and that she did not want to be a single mother or was having relationship problems (48%). Nearly four in 10 women said they had completed their childbearing, and almost one-third were not ready to have a child. Fewer than 1% said their parents’ or partners’ desire for them to have an abortion was the most important reason. Younger women often reported that they were unprepared for the transition to motherhood, while older women regularly cited their responsibility to dependents. &lt;br&gt; CONCLUSIONS: The decision to have an abortion is typically motivated by multiple, diverse and interrelated reasons. The themes of responsibility to others and resource limitations, such as financial constraints and lack of partner sup-port, recurred throughout the study.
** p.110

* Public discussion about abortion in the United States has generally focused on policy: who should be allowed to have abortions, and under what circumstances. Receiving less attention are the women behind the statistics—the 1.3 million women who obtain abortions each year1—and their reasons for having abortions. While a small proportion of women who have abortions do so because of health concerns or fetal anomalies, the large majority choose termination in response to an unintended pregnancy. However, “unintended pregnancy” does not fully capture the reasons and life circumstances that lie behind a woman’s decision to obtain an abortion. What personal, familial, social and economic factors lead to the decision to end a pregnancy? &lt;br&gt; The research into U.S. women’s reasons for having abortions has been limited. In a 1985 study of 500 women in Kansas, unreadiness to parent was the reason most often given for having an abortion, followed by lack of financial resources and absence of a partner. In 1987, a survey of1,900 women at large abortion providers across the country found that women’s most common reasons for having an abortion were that having a baby would interfere with school, work or other responsibilities, and that they could not afford a child. Since 1987, little research in this area has been conducted in the United States, but studies done in Scandinavia and worldwide have found several recur-ring motivations: economic hardship, partner difficulties and unreadiness for parenting. An extensive literature (both quantitative and qualitative) examines how women make the decision to have an abortion or a birth. Here, we focus on women who have already made the decision to have an abortion. &lt;br&gt; Why revisit this topic? One compelling reason is that the abortion rate declined by 22% between 1987 and 2002, and another is that the demographic characteristics of reproductive-age women in general and of abortion patients in particular have changed since 1987. For example, the proportion of abortion patients who have already had one or more children has increased, as have the proportions who are aged 30 or older, who are nonwhite and who are cohabiting. In addition, between 1994 and 2000, the proportion of women having abortions who were poor in-creased. Because social and demographic characteristics may be associated with motivations for having an abortion, it is important to reassess the reasons why women choose to terminate a pregnancy. &lt;br&gt; A better understanding of these motivations can inform public opinion and prevent or correct misperceptions. Like-wise, a fuller appraisal of the life circumstances within which women decide to have an abortion bears directly on the issue of public funding for abortions and provides evidence of how increasing legal and financial constraints on access to abortion may affect women’s lives.
** p.110

* Most women in every age, parity, relationship, racial, income and education category cited concern for or responsibility to other individuals as a factor in their decision to have an abortion. In contrast to the perception (voiced by politicians and laypeople across the ideological spectrum) that women who choose abortion for reasons other than rape, incest and life endangerment do so for “convenience,”our data suggest that after care-fully assessing their individual situations, women base their decisions largely on their ability to maintain economic stability and to care for the children they already have. &lt;br&gt; In addition, the topic of women’s limited resources, such as financial constraints and lack of partner support, regularly appeared in the survey and interview responses. A large majority of women cited financial hardship, often along with other reasons. Financial problems, exacerbated by other forms of instability, limit women’s ability to provide sufficient support to additional children. The concept of responsibility is inseparable from the theme of limited resources; given their present circumstances, respondents considered their decision to have an abortion the most responsible action. The fact that many women cited financial limitations as a reason for ending a pregnancy suggests that further restrictions on public assistance to families could contribute to a continued increase in abortions among the most disadvantaged women. &lt;br&gt;  Although these concerns appeared among all groups, different groups of women gave diverse reasons for having abortions. Younger women who had not begun their child-bearing often reported that they were unprepared for the transition to motherhood, while older women, the large majority of whom were already mothers, regularly cited their responsibility to children or other dependents as a key factor behind the decision to have an abortion. &lt;br&gt; Only a small proportion of women cited concerns about their own health. However, the qualitative results showed that these concerns encompassed not just risks to future health, but also the health burden of pregnancy itself. They further revealed how health concerns are linked to the concept of responsibility: Some women saw the physical bur-den of pregnancy and its associated health conditions as threatening their ability to fulfill responsibilities to dependents. Others underscored the importance of appropriate birth spacing for their own health and for the health and economic security of their children. 
** pp.117-118

* In light of the public debate over the morality of abortion, it is notable that the women in our survey emphasized their conscious examination of the moral aspects of their decisions. Although some described abortion as sinful and wrong, many of those same women, and others, described the indiscriminate bearing of children as a sin, and their abortion as “the right thing” and “a responsible choice.” Respondents often acknowledged the complexity of the decision, and described an intense and difficult process of deciding to have an abortion, which took into account the moral weight of their responsibilities to their families, them-selves and children they might have in the future.
** p.118

* Some advocates have used highly selective samples to claim that the majority of women having abortions are coerced into the decision. Such claims suggest that women lack control over their own lives, but our findings attest that women independently make the decision to have an abortion. The proportion of women citing influence from partners or parents is small (and has declined since 1987), and fewer than 1% of respondents indicated that this influence was their most important reason.
** p.118

* The fact that an increasing proportion of women having abortions are poor underscores the importance of public assistance for family planning programs as an effective means of reducing the incidence of both unintended pregnancy and abortion.
** p.118

=== &quot;Study: Abortions Are Safe When Performed By Nurse Practitioners, Physician Assistants, Certified Nurse Midwives&quot; (1/2013) ===
&lt;small&gt; Elizabeth Fernandez, [https://www.ucsf.edu/news/2013/01/98759/study-abortions-are-safe-when-performed-nurse-practitioners-physician-assistants &quot;Study: Abortions Are Safe When Performed By Nurse Practitioners, Physician Assistants, Certified Nurse Midwives&quot;]. UCSF, (1/2013) &lt;/small&gt;
* Nationally, 92 percent of abortions take place in the first trimester but studies find that black, uninsured and low-income women continue to have less access to this care, according to the researchers. &lt;br&gt; In California, 13 percent of women using state Medicaid insurance obtain abortions after the first trimester. Because the average cost of a second trimester abortion is substantially higher than a first trimester procedure and abortion complications increase as the pregnancy advances, shifting the population distribution of abortions to earlier gestations may result in safer, less costly care, according to the research team.
* “Increasing the types of health care professionals who can provide early aspiration abortion care is one way to reduce this health care disparity,’’ said lead author Tracy Weitz, PhD, MPA, a UCSF associate professor and director of Advancing New Standards in Reproductive Health at the UCSF Bixby Center for Global Reproductive Health. “Policy makers can now feel confident that expanding access to care in this way is evidence-based and will promote women’s health.’’  &lt;br&gt; Currently, non-physicians are allowed to perform aspiration abortions in four states: Montana, Oregon, New Hampshire and Vermont. In other states, non-physician clinicians are permitted to perform medication but not aspiration abortions. In recent years, in an effort to limit abortion availability, several states have put laws on the books to prohibit non-physician clinicians from performing abortions.  
* In the study, 40 nurse practitioners, certified nurse midwives and physician assistants from four Planned Parenthood affiliates and from Kaiser Permanente of Northern California were trained to perform aspiration abortions. They were compared to a group of nearly 100 physicians, who had a mean of 14 years of experience providing abortions. &lt;br&gt; Altogether, 5,675 abortions were performed in the study by nurse practitioners, certified nurse midwives and physician assistants, compared to 5,812 abortions by physicians. The abortions were performed between August 2007 and August 2011 at 22 clinical facilities in California.  &lt;br&gt; The researchers found that both groups of abortion providers had few complications – less than 2 percent, including incomplete abortions, minor infection and pain. Statistically, according to the researchers, the complication rates were not different between the two groups of providers.   
* “The value of this study extends beyond the question of who can safely perform aspiration abortion services in California because it provides an example of how research can be used to answer relevant health care policy issues,’’ said study co-author Diana Taylor, PhD, RNP, professor emeritus in the UCSF School of Nursing. “As the U.S. demand for cost-effective health care increases, workforce development has become a key component of health care reform. All qualified health professionals should perform clinical care to the fullest extent of their education and competency.’’

=== &quot;Abortion Incidence and Services in the United States in 2000&quot; (2003) ===
&lt;small&gt; Finer, L.B.; Henshaw, S.K. (2003). &quot;Abortion Incidence and Services in the United States in 2000&quot;. ''Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health''. 35 (1): 6–15. doi:10.1363/3500603. PMID 12602752. [https://web.archive.org/web/20160122204324/http:/www.guttmacher.org/pubs/journals/3500603.html Archived] from the original on 22 January 2016. &lt;/small&gt;
* RESULTS: From 1996 to 2000, the number of abortions fell by 3% to 1.31 million, and the abortion rate declined 5% to 21.3 per 1,000 women 15-44. (In comparison, the rate declined 12% between 1992 and 1996.) The abortion ratio in 2000 was 24.5 per 100 pregnancies ending in abortion or live birth, 5% lower than in 1996. The number of abortion providers decreased by 11% to 1,819 (46% were clinics, 33% hospitals and 21% physicians' offices); clinics provided 93% of all abortions in 2000. In that year, 34% of women aged 15-44 lived in the 87% of counties with no provider, and 86 of the nation's 276 metropolitan areas had no provider. About 600 providers performed an estimated 37,000 early medical abortions during the first six months of 2001; these procedures represented approximately 6% of all abortions during that period. Abortions performed by dilation and extraction were estimated to account for 0.17% of all abortions in 2000.
* Induced abortion, one of the most frequently performed surgical procedures in the United States, is experienced by a substantial proportion of American women. More than one-fifth of all pregnancies end in abortion, a reflection of the fact that almost half of U.S. pregnancies are unintended. Trends in abortion may reflect a number of factors, such as variations in the underlying incidence of unintended pregnancy and changes in how women resolve unplanned pregnancies and in the availability or accessibility of abortion services. Therefore, regular and accurate estimates of abortion incidence and service provision are essential for monitoring trends in reproductive behavior. &lt;br&gt; After remaining fairly steady for most of the 1980s, the number of abortions in the United States declined from a high of 1.61 million in 1990 to 1.36 million in 1996, the last year for which comprehensive abortion incidence data were collected. The abortion rate declined from 29.3 per 1,000 women aged 15-44 in 1980 and 27.4 in 1990 to 22.4 in 1996. The abortion ratio (the proportion of pregnancies ending in abortion) also fell during the early and mid-1990s. These declines meant that in the mid-1990s, measures of abortion reached the lowest levels since the 1970s.
* Meanwhile, a continuing decline in the number of providers could result in more limited access to abortion services. The number of U.S. abortion providers fell from a high of 2,900 in 1982 to about 2,000 in 1996, and the proportion of counties without a provider increased from 77% in 1978 to 86% in 1996. A 1997 survey of obstetricians and gynecologists who perform abortions indicated that 57% were aged 50 or older, fueling the perception that the number of providers will decline drastically as current providers reach retirement age. However, some evidence indicates that training opportunities for providers have begun to increase.
* The number of abortions in the United States declined 3% between 1996 and 2000, from 1.36 million to 1.31 million. This was the lowest number of abortions since 1976. The abortion rate also declined through 2000, reaching 21.3 abortions per 1,000 women 15-44 in that year. This figure represents a 5% drop over the four-year interval and is the lowest rate since 1974. The abortion ratio declined to 24.5 abortions per 100 pregnancies ending in abortion or live birth in 2000; this also represents a 5% drop since 1996 and the lowest figure since 1974. Including estimated miscarriages, 21% of all pregnancies in 2000 ended in abortion (not shown). &lt;br&gt; The number of abortions and abortion rates vary widely by region and state of occurrence. Six states that account for 40% of women aged 15-44—California, Florida, Illinois, New Jersey, New York and Texas—accounted for 55% of all abortions in 2000. Rates were highest in New Jersey and New York, and were relatively high (above 30 per 1,000 women 15-44) in California, Delaware, Florida and Nevada. The states with the fewest abortions—South Dakota, North Dakota and Wyoming—are largely rural states and have relatively small populations. The lowest rates were in Kentucky, South Dakota and Wyoming; Idaho, Mississippi, Missouri, Utah and West Virginia also had low rates (seven or fewer per 1,000 women 15-44). Among the 25 states with the largest populations of women 15-44, the lowest abortion rate was in Kentucky. &lt;br&gt; Between 1996 and 2000, the abortion rate declined in every region of the country, but changes varied by region and, even more so, by state. The abortion rate declined in 35 states and the District of Columbia; the greatest percentage decreases occurred in Kentucky and Wyoming. Percentage changes are most meaningful in states with the greatest number of abortions, since small absolute changes in states with few abortions can result in large percentage shifts. Among the states reporting at least 10,000 abortions in 1996, the largest declines occurred in Massachusetts and Missouri. The abortion rate increased in 15 states. The largest percentage increase occurred in Delaware, and the largest increase among states with at least 10,000 abortions in 1996 occurred in Kansas (15%).
* A total of 1,819 providers performed at least one abortion in 2000—11% fewer than in 1996. In comparison, the number of providers declined by 14% from 1992 to 1996. The number of providers in 2000 was 37% lower than the all-time high of 2,908 in 1982 (not shown).
* Abortion providers were located in 404 of the 3,141 U.S. counties in 2000. Overall, 87% of counties had no provider of abortions. More than 90% of counties in the Midwest and South had no abortion provider; outside of these regions, the only states with no provider in at least 90% of counties were Idaho, Montana, Utah and Wyoming. &lt;br&gt; Although the vast majority of counties had no provider, only 34% of women aged 15-44 in 2000 lived in counties with no abortion providers, because many of these have relatively small populations. However, nearly half of women in the Midwest (49%) and South (45%) lived in counties that lacked abortion services. In 19 states in these regions, at least half of women lived in counties without an abortion provider. However, in six states in the same regions—Delaware, Florida, Illinois, Maryland, Michigan and Texas (and the District of Columbia)—fewer than one-third lived in counties with no provider. Fewer than one in five women in the Northeast and West lived in counties without an abortion provider; the proportion was less than one-third in 13 states in these regions and more than one-half in only three. 
* The proportion of counties with no abortion provider in 2000 (87%) changed little compared with that in 1996 (86%), but remained higher than the proportion in 1978 (77%). In addition, the proportion of counties with no provider of 400 or more abortions per year has changed little over time, indicating that the drop in counties with providers has been concentrated in those where providers perform fewer than 400 abortions per year. &lt;br&gt; Most abortion providers are located in metropolitan areas: 94% of all providers and 99% of those who performed 400 or more abortions in 2000 (not shown). Even so, 61% of counties in metropolitan areas had no abortion provider, and 70% had no large provider. Of nonmetropolitan counties, 97% had no provider, and virtually all lacked a provider of at least 400 abortions per year. &lt;br&gt; Overall, the proportion of women living in a county without a provider increased from 27% in 1978 to 30% in 1985 and 34% in 2000. However, figures based on comparable metropolitan classifications indicate that the proportion of women with no provider in their county increased from 1978 to 1996 in both metropolitan and nonmetropolitan counties, but changed only slightly between 1996 and 2000. There was no change during the 1990s in the proportion of women in metropolitan areas living in counties with no large provider, although the levels were slightly greater than those in 1978 and 1985. Almost all women in nonmetropolitan counties have lived without a large abortion provider.
* Between 1996 and 2000, the U.S. abortion rate fell 5%, a decline less than half as steep as that seen between 1992 and 1996 (12%). The number of abortion providers continued to decline between 1996 and 2000, at a rate slightly lower than that during 1992-1996. The 1996-2000 period saw the continuing consolidation of abortion provision at clinics, particularly specialized clinics; only 7% of abortions in 2000 were performed in nonclinic facilities. This trend may be partially due to increasing legal constraints on the circumstances under which abortions may be performed, such as zoning rules and state licensing and inspection requirements. Specialized clinics may be better able to deal with new restrictions than physicians' offices and nonspecialized clinics, which may not be willing or able to undertake the expenses and time required to comply with them. This factor may be most relevant in South Carolina and Mississippi, where new licensing laws have created burdensome requirements for small providers; at least one South Carolina provider has reportedly closed in response to the new regulations.
* For most American women, access to abortion is directly tied to where they live. Only 3% of nonmetropolitan counties have a provider, and almost none of those providers performed more than 400 abortions in 2000. Of metropolitan counties, only 30% have a large abortion provider. Surprisingly, although the proportion of nonmetropolitan counties with a provider has declined, the proportion of women in nonmetropolitan counties with a provider appears to have increased slightly, probably because of population shifts toward counties with providers. In metropolitan areas, the proportion of women living in counties with providers has changed little. &lt;br&gt; The Northeast and West are characterized by higher abortion rates and greater access to providers than are the Midwest and South, and also by more supportive laws regarding abortion. In some states, abortion decreases may be due to regulatory requirements placed on women seeking abortion. For example, in Wisconsin, the imposition of a two-day delay law may have contributed to the 21% decline in the abortion rate (although women there may increasingly have gone to Illinois, particularly Chicago, to obtain abortions). In other states, rates may decline because many women travel out of state to have abortions. This may occur when the barriers to obtaining an abortion—such as gestational limits or other restrictions, or expense—are lower in neighboring states. 
* In the past, the U.S. abortion rate has been distinctly higher than the rate in other industrialized countries. Although the U.S. rate (21.3 per 1,000 women 15-44) is still higher than those in many western European countries, it is now within the range of rates in a few other developed countries, such as Sweden (18.7) and Australia (22.2). Furthermore, U.S. rates vary by women's ethnicity and socioeconomic standing; the rate among white non-Hispanic women is in the middle range of other developed countries, but other ethnic groups have higher rates. Moreover, poor and near-poor women have rates roughly twice as high as their wealthier counterparts. &lt;br&gt; This article has documented current levels of abortion and abortion service provision. More research needs to be done both to understand why abortion service provision is changing and the impact on women of the small number and geographic concentration of providers. In addition, further work is needed to determine the causes of declines in the abortion rate. Increasing use of emergency contraception appears to have been a major contributor in recent years: An estimated 51,000 pregnancies were averted by emergency contraception in 2000, accounting for 43% of the decrease in abortions since 1994. Contraceptive use trends through 1995—improvements in use (e.g., a shift to greater use of long-acting, highly effective methods) and reductions in the proportion of women using no method—may have continued. The abortion rate decline between 1994 and 2000 was greatest among teenagers. Both a decline in sexual activity among adolescents and increased use of contraceptives at first intercourse contribute to decreasing pregnancy and abortion rates among adolescents.
* With more than one in five U.S. pregnancies ending in abortion, it is clear that American women are becoming pregnant far more often than they desire. More than half of these pregnancies occur among women who had difficulty using contraceptive methods effectively or who experienced method failure, and nearly half occur among the minority of sexually active women who use no contraceptives, reflecting the high rate of pregnancy among this group.37 The challenge of reducing U.S. abortion rates without increasing unintended births requires action on several fronts, but foremost among these are increasing (and increasing the effectiveness of) contraceptive use by sexually active women and their partners, improving access to contraceptive services for those who are disadvantaged and ensuring the availability of a broader range of more-effective and user-friendly contraceptive methods.

=== &quot;Reasons U.S. Women Have Abortions: Quantitative and Qualitative Perspectives&quot; (2005) ===
&lt;small&gt; Finer, L.B.; Frohwirth, L.F.; Dauphinee, L.A.; Singh, S.; Moore, A. M. (2005). &quot;Reasons U.S. Women Have Abortions: Quantitative and Qualitative Perspectives&quot;. Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health. 37 (3): 110–18. doi:10.1111/j.1931-2393.2005.tb00045.x. PMID 16150658. Archived from the original on 7 January 2012. &lt;/small&gt;
* RESULTS: The reasons most frequently cited were that having a child would interfere with a woman's education, work or ability to care for dependents (74%); that she could not afford a baby now (73%); and that she did not want to be a single mother or was having relationship problems (48%). Nearly four in 10 women said they had completed their childbearing, and almost one-third were not ready to have a child. Fewer than 1% said their parents' or partners' desire for them to have an abortion was the most important reason. Younger women often reported that they were unprepared for the transition to motherhood, while older women regularly cited their responsibility to dependents.  &lt;br&gt; CONCLUSIONS: The decision to have an abortion is typically motivated by multiple, diverse and interrelated reasons. The themes of responsibility to others and resource limitations, such as financial constraints and lack of partner support, recurred throughout the study. 
* Public discussion about abortion in the United States has generally focused on policy: who should be allowed to have abortions, and under what circumstances. Receiving less attention are the women behind the statistics—the 1.3 million women who obtain abortions each year1—and their reasons for having abortions. While a small proportion of women who have abortions do so because of health concerns or fetal anomalies, the large majority choose termination in response to an unintended pregnancy.2 However, &quot;unintended pregnancy&quot; does not fully capture the reasons and life circumstances that lie behind a woman's decision to obtain an abortion. What personal, familial, social and economic factors lead to the decision to end a pregnancy? &lt;br&gt; The research into U.S. women's reasons for having abortions has been limited. In a 1985 study of 500 women in Kansas, unreadiness to parent was the reason most often given for having an abortion, followed by lack of financial resources and absence of a partner.3 In 1987, a survey of 1,900 women at large abortion providers across the country found that women's most common reasons for having an abortion were that having a baby would interfere with school, work or other responsibilities, and that they could not afford a child.4 Since 1987, little research in this area has been conducted in the United States, but studies done in Scandinavia and worldwide have found several recurring motivations: economic hardship, partner difficulties and unreadiness for parenting. An extensive literature (both quantitative and qualitative) examines how women make the decision to have an abortion or a birth. Here, we focus on women who have already made the decision to have an abortion.  &lt;br&gt; Why revisit this topic? One compelling reason is that the abortion rate declined by 22% between 1987 and 2002, and another is that the demographic characteristics of reproductive-age women in general and of abortion patients in particular have changed since 1987. For example, the proportion of abortion patients who have already had one or more children has increased, as have the proportions who are aged 30 or older, who are nonwhite and who are cohabiting. In addition, between 1994 and 2000, the proportion of women having abortions who were poor increased. Because social and demographic characteristics may be associated with motivations for having an abortion, it is important to reassess the reasons why women choose to terminate a pregnancy. 
* Respondents to the structured survey of reasons for abortion were not substantially different from a nationally representative sample of abortion patients surveyed in 2000 in terms of age, marital status, parity, income, education, race or gestation. Twenty percent were 19 or younger, and 57% were in their 20s. Seventy-two percent had never been married, and 59% had had at least one child. Some 60% were below 200% of the federal poverty line, including 30% who were living in poverty (not shown). More than half had attended college or received a college degree. Thirty-one percent of respondents were black, and 19% were Hispanic. (Four percent completed the questionnaire in Spanish.) Sixty-one percent were at fewer than nine weeks of gestation, and 85% were at fewer than 13 weeks. &lt;br&gt; However, the characteristics of abortion patients had changed between 1987 and 2000, and these changes were reflected in the 1987 and 2004 surveys of reasons for abortion. For example, the proportion who were mothers increased from 48% to 61% in the nationally representative surveys carried out in 1987 and 2000; a similar increase (from 42% to 59%) was seen between the 1987 and 2004 surveys of reasons. The median age of respondents was 23.0 in the 1987 survey of reasons and 24.1 in 2004 (not shown). Fifty percent of women were below 200% of the federal poverty level in the 1987 survey of reasons, while in 2004, 60% were below this level. Also, the proportion who were Hispanic rose from 7% in 1987 to 19% in 2004. 
* Reasons in 2004. Among the structured survey respondents, the two most common reasons were &quot;having a baby would dramatically change my life&quot; and &quot;I can't afford a baby now&quot; (cited by 74% and 73%, respectively). A large proportion of women cited relationship problems or a desire to avoid single motherhood (48%). Nearly four in 10 indicated that they had completed their childbearing, and almost one-third said they were not ready to have a child. Women also cited possible problems affecting the health of the fetus or concerns about their own health (13% and 12%, respectively). Respondents wrote in a number of specific health reasons, from chronic or debilitating conditions such as cancer and cystic fibrosis to pregnancy-specific concerns such as gestational diabetes and morning sickness.  &lt;br&gt; The most common subreason given was that the woman could not afford a baby now because she was unmarried (42%). Thirty-eight percent indicated that having a baby would interfere with their education, and the same proportion said it would interfere with their employment. In a related vein, 34% said they could not afford a child because they were students or were planning to study. 
* [T]he proportion of women indicating that they had completed their desired childbearing increased substantially (and significantly) between 1987 and 2004, from 28% to 38%. To assess whether this shift was due to a change in mothers' propensity to give this reason (in addition to the change in population composition described earlier), we stratified this analysis by both survey year and whether the woman had any children. The findings showed that mothers in 2004 were more likely to report this reason than were mothers in 1987 (not shown). Thus, the overall increase likely reflected both a rise in the proportion of abortion patients who were already mothers and an increased tendency of mothers to give this reason.
* Financial difficulties. Higher proportions of women who were unmarried or cohabiting, nonwhite, poorer and unemployed said they could not afford to have a child now, compared with their respective counterparts. This reason was also more commonly given by young teenagers and women aged 20–24. Some of these social and demographic characteristics likely have overlapping influence. For example, young women are likely to be unmarried, and poor women are likely to be unemployed. In the multivariate analysis, marital status and both economic variables remained significant: Women who were married, who were in the highest income category and who were employed had reduced odds of saying they could not afford a baby (odds ratios, 0.4–0.6). 
* A cross-cutting theme was women's responsibility to children and other dependents, as well as considerations about children they may have in the future. Most women in every age, parity, relationship, racial, income and education category cited concern for or responsibility to other individuals as a factor in their decision to have an abortion. In contrast to the perception (voiced by politicians and laypeople across the ideological spectrum) that women who choose abortion for reasons other than rape, incest and life endangerment do so for &quot;convenience,&quot;13 our data suggest that after carefully assessing their individual situations, women base their decisions largely on their ability to maintain economic stability and to care for the children they already have. &lt;br&gt; In addition, the topic of women's limited resources, such as financial constraints and lack of partner support, regularly appeared in the survey and interview responses. A large majority of women cited financial hardship, often along with other reasons. Financial problems, exacerbated by other forms of instability, limit women's ability to provide sufficient support to additional children. The concept of responsibility is inseparable from the theme of limited resources; given their present circumstances, respondents considered their decision to have an abortion the most responsible action. The fact that many women cited financial limitations as a reason for ending a pregnancy suggests that further restrictions on public assistance to families could contribute to a continued increase in abortions among the most disadvantaged women.
* In light of the public debate over the morality of abortion, it is notable that the women in our survey emphasized their conscious examination of the moral aspects of their decisions. Although some described abortion as sinful and wrong, many of those same women, and others, described the indiscriminate bearing of children as a sin, and their abortion as &quot;the right thing&quot; and &quot;a responsible choice.&quot; Respondents often acknowledged the complexity of the decision, and described an intense and difficult process of deciding to have an abortion, which took into account the moral weight of their responsibilities to their families, themselves and children they might have in the future.

===  &quot;Rates of serious infection after changes in regimens for medical abortion&quot; (July 9, 2009) ===
&lt;small&gt; Fjerstad, Mary; Trussell, James; Sivin, Irving; Lichtenberg, E. Steve; Cullins, Vanessa (July 9, 2009).[ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3568698/  &quot;Rates of serious infection after changes in regimens for medical abortion&quot;]. New England Journal of Medicine. 361 (2): 145–151. &lt;/small&gt;
* From 2001 through March 2006, Planned Parenthood health centers throughout the United States provided medical abortion (abortion by means of medication) principally by a regimen of oral mifepristone followed 24 to 48 hours later by vaginal misoprostol. In response to concern about serious infections, in early 2006 Planned Parenthood changed the route of misoprostol administration from vaginal to buccal and required either routine provision of antibiotics or universal screening and treatment for chlamydia; in July 2007, Planned Parenthood began requiring routine treatment with antibiotics for all medical abortions.
* Rates of serious infection dropped significantly after the joint change to buccal misoprostol from vaginal misoprostol and to either testing for sexually transmitted infection or routine provision of antibiotics as part of the medical abortion regimen. The rate declined 73%, from 0.93 per 1000 abortions to 0.25 per 1000 (absolute reduction, 0.67 per 1000; 95% confidence interval [CI], 0.44 to 0.94; P&lt;0.001). The subsequent change to routine provision of antibiotics led to a further significant reduction in the rate of serious infection — a 76% decline, from 0.25 per 1000 abortions to 0.06 per 1000 (absolute reduction, 0.19 per 1000; 95% CI, 0.02 to 0.34; P = 0.03). &lt;br&gt; CONCLUSIONS &lt;br&gt; The rate of serious infection after medical abortion declined by 93% after a change from vaginal to buccal administration of misoprostol combined with routine administration of antibiotics.
* The Planned Parenthood Federation of America (PPFA) is a federation of 97 independent local affiliates operating 880 health centers throughout the United States; roughly 300 of those health centers provide medical abortion. In 2008, a total of 96,738 women received medical abortions (abortion by means of medication), representing 32% of first-trimester abortions in Planned Parenthood health centers. Extensive data gathering during the use of mifepristone and vaginal misoprostol indicated that efficacy (successful medical abortion without the need for surgical intervention) was 98.5%; a subsequent audit of abortions performed with the use of buccal rather than vaginal misoprostol showed virtually identical efficacy. &lt;br&gt; Antibiotics have been routinely administered at the time of surgical abortions since the publication of a meta-analysis showing that their use resulted in a 42% reduction in postabortion infection rates. When medical abortion was first introduced, there was little concern about the risk of infection, because there is no use of instruments in the cervix or uterus unless the procedure fails. However, it is clear that serious infections do occur. &lt;br&gt; Data are lacking to compare the rates of serious infection with antibiotic treatment and the rates without such treatment among women undergoing medical abortion. The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) states that it “does not have sufficient information to recommend the use of prophylactic antibiotics for women having a medical abortion.”The current American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists Practice Bulletin on medical abortion states that no data exist to support the routine use of preventive antibiotics for medical abortion.
* By late 2005, four women in the United States and one in Canada had died from a rare bacterial infection, with Clostridium sordellii, after medical abortion with mifepristone and misoprostol.9 In contrast, no such deaths had been reported in Europe, where medical abortion had been available longer and far more women had used it. One hypothesis for the difference was that vaginal administration of misoprostol was very common in the United States but not so common in Europe. Another hypothesis was that periprocedural antibiotics were routinely provided in the United Kingdom but not in the United States.
* The provisions of FDA approval stipulate that any physician who orders, provides, or supervises the provision of mifepristone must sign an agreement with the sole U.S. distributor of mifepristone (Danco Laboratories) to report all serious adverse events associated with its use. Serious adverse events include all ongoing pregnancies (pregnancies that continue after the use of mifepristone or misoprostol), hemorrhage requiring emergency treatment, serious infections, hospitalizations, potentially life-threatening events, and death. Danco submits all such reports to the FDA. Staff members at Planned Parenthood health centers were trained in accurate and complete reporting of serious adverse events. Adverse-event reports are centrally tracked and monitored. Planned Parenthood health centers are audited on site for internal accreditation by the PPFA. Since 2005, concurrent with the starting date of our analysis, the accreditation process has included auditing to verify that adverse events related to the use of mifepristone for medical abortions are submitted as required.
* During the course of the study, 243,692 women underwent medical abortion at Planned Parenthood centers. After the exclusion of 15,869 women who did not meet eligibility criteria (&lt;7%), the analysis population included 227,823 women, among whom 92 serious infections were reported.
* We observed significant and clinically important reductions in the risk of serious infections among patients who had undergone medical abortion after a change from vaginal to buccal administration of misoprostol and after the adoption of routine preventive treatment with antibiotics. Although the observational design of our study precludes a determination of cause and effect, it is plausible that the changes in practice patterns could explain the reductions in the rate of serious infection. Because PPFA instituted more than one measure at a time, it is difficult to estimate from our analyses the relative values of different interventions. However, the fact that Planned Parenthood health centers adopted two infection-reduction measures in Period 2 allows further exploration of this issue.
* Although a randomized clinical trial would be the preferred approach to determine whether the use of buccal rather than vaginal administration of misoprostol might reduce the rate of serious infection and whether a strategy of routine antibiotic coverage is superior to a strategy of screening before treating, this study design would not have been feasible. Given the low rates of serious infection, such a design would have required a prohibitively large sample. The large population that receives care at Planned Parenthood centers allowed the discerning of changes over time in the rates of serious infection after medical abortion. In summary, the current report shows that changes in PPFA policies for medical abortion that involve replacing vaginal administration of misoprostol with buccal administration and, later, providing routine antibiotics coupled with a highly monitored, systemwide surveillance network were associated with significant reductions in the rates of serious infections.

=== &quot;Choice, Life Groups Slam Obama Order on Abortion Funding&quot; (March 21, 2010) ===
&lt;small&gt; [https://www.foxnews.com/politics/choice-life-groups-slam-obama-order-on-abortion-funding &quot;Choice, Life Groups Slam Obama Order on Abortion Funding&quot;]. ''Fox News''. (March 21, 2010). &lt;/small&gt;
* Pro-choice and pro-life groups on Sunday strongly denounced a deal by pro-life Democrats and President Obama to ensure limits on taxpayer money for abortion services, outlined in a Senate health insurance overhaul now on the verge House approval.  &lt;br&gt; Abortion rights supporters chastised the president, saying he caved on his principles by agreeing to issue an executive order that strengthens limits on abortion. Abortion opponents, on the other hand, said Obama's pending order does nothing to prohibit spending on abortion services as provided in the Senate bill.
* &quot;I'm pleased to announce that we have an agreement, and it's with the help of the president and the speaker we were able to come to an agreement to protect the sanctity of life in the health care reform. There will be no public funding for abortion in this legislation,&quot; Stupak said.  &lt;br&gt; The White House issued its own statement about the executive order.  &lt;br&gt; The president &quot;will be issuing an executive order after the passage of the health insurance reform law that will reaffirm its consistency with longstanding restrictions on the use of federal funds for abortion,&quot; reads the statement from White House Communications Director Dan Pfeiffer. &lt;br&gt; &quot;While the legislation as written maintains current law, the executive order provides additional safeguards to ensure that the status quo is upheld and enforced, and that the health care legislation's restrictions against the public funding of abortions cannot be circumvented,&quot; the statement reads.
* &quot;Because of Roe v. Wade, courts have interpreted the decision as a statutory mandate that the government must provide federal funding for elective abortion in through federal programs. In other words, no executive order or regulation can override a statutory mandate unless Congress passes a law that prohibits federal funding from being used in this manner,&quot; Boehner, R-Ohio, said in a statement. &lt;br&gt; Rep. Joe Pitts, R-Pa., added that pro-life Democrats should be alarmed by a promise coming from a politician with a 100 percent rating from NARAL Pro-Choice America. &lt;br&gt; &quot;This puts the fate of the unborn in the hands of the most pro-abortion president in history,&quot; he said.

=== &quot;Transforming the Reproductive Rights Movement: The Post-Webster Agenda&quot; (1990) ===
&lt;small&gt; Mariene Gerber Fried, “Transforming the Reproductive Rights Movement: The Post-Webster Agenda”, in Fried, Marlene Gerber (ed.). [https://books.google.com/books?id=keE5EmSKYr0C “From Abortion to Reproductive Freedom: Transforming a Movement”] (1990). South End Press. ISBN 9780896083875. &lt;/small&gt;
* No matter how we try to control the clinic battles, we remain in a structurally defensive position. In the year and a half since Operation Rescue came to town, we have tried nearly everything-from holding a demonstration away from the clinics; to counter-demonstrating on the other side of the street; to interposing our bodies between the anti-abortionists and the clinic. Our level of organization at the clinics is impressive-a 3,000-person phone tree; hundreds of trained escorts and clinic coordinators who communicate with beepers and special codes. Despite all of this, it is not our show. Our efforts have been directed at figuring out what they are doing and how to foil them. It is not surprising, then, that even when we “win,” it doesn’t feel like victory. Most disturbing, however, is the siege mentality at the clinics. It is painful to witness what women must face in order to exercise their right to make reproductive choices. Some women will not push their way through demonstrators to get into a clinic. Some will not even come at all if they anticipate harassment by anti-abortionists. It is painful even when the women are undaunted by the harassment, even when they and we fight back: a young man accompanying his girlfriend for an abortion escorts her to the clinic wielding a baseball bat. He says to the anti-abortionists, “You mess with her, you’re in trouble.” The girlfriend of a woman coming to the clinic punches one of the blockaders who tries to top her. It is painful even when the effects are radicalizing-often women having abortions become politically active after having had to confront anti-abortion demonstrator. It is still disturbing and angering. &lt;br&gt; Is this “safe and legal” abortion?
** pp.1-2 

* Abortion campaigns offer unprecedented opportunities for alliances between activists and groups fighting for the rights of poor women, yet many of these opportunities have been missed. The women’s movement has a history of trading away the rights of women of color and working-class women in favor of gains for more privileged women. Because of this history, we must consciously and aggressively make clear that we are not about to repeat this pattern in the present or future. Steps must be taken to develop a multi-racial and class-conscious movement for abortion rights. One way to do this is to acknowledge the fact that poor women have consistently borne the brunt of the attack on abortion rights. For poor women, the legal right to abortion is empty, and choice an abstraction. Without access to abortion services, it is as if “Roe v. Wade” never happened.
** p.6

* While I understand the urgency individuals and groups feel about the need to protect some ground, this is a dangerous approach. It is a strategy that trades away the most basic aspect of abortion rights-the fact that abortion is fundamentally a woman’s right to decide, at any point in pregnancy, for any reason. Going for what we think we can get right now helps to legitimize the view that there are morally acceptable and morally unacceptable abortions and that those decisions are best made by someone other than the pregnant women. Feminists need instead to be arguing for the right of every woman to make her own decision.
** pp.7-8

* In many cities, activists find themselves caught among a variety of political tendencies. Abortion clinics are not political organizations although they have become they key political battlefield. Clinic workers have taken on heroic qualities, since going to work sometimes involves fighting one’s way through an angry mob. Nonetheless, their stake in this is to continue providing services, some for profit, others not. There are many clinic directors who view pro-choice demonstrators in almost the same way they view anti-abortion militants-as disruptions to their business as usual. While clients and clinic escorts have been generally supportive of pro-choice demonstrators, we have been told repeatedly by some clinic directors that the safety and privacy of their patients and their ongoing ability to operate are compromised by direct confrontations with anti-abortionists.
** p.10 

=== &quot;Americans Walk the Middle Road on Abortion&quot; (April 10, 2000) ===
&lt;small&gt;  The Gallup Poll Monthly, [https://news.gallup.com/poll/3016/Americans-Walk-Middle-Road-Abortion.aspx &quot;Americans Walk the Middle Road on Abortion&quot;], (April 10, 2000) &lt;/small&gt;
* A recent Gallup poll, conducted March 30-April 2, updates where the public stands on abortion. In the broadest sense, the majority of Americans reject extreme positions on abortion and favor legalizing it under limited conditions. Just 28% think abortion should be legal under any circumstances and even fewer, 19%, think it should be illegal in all circumstances, while 51% say it should be legal &quot;only under certain circumstances.&quot; These results are generally consistent with the public's position on the abortion issue in recent years. And, while there have been slight shifts in public abortion attitudes over the past 25 years, the basic pattern remains the same as when Gallup first asked about it in 1975.
* Even though public opinion about terminating a pregnancy has remained stable over time in the broad sense, the nature of that opinion appears decidedly ambiguous. The level of support for abortion appears to vary significantly, depending upon the specific circumstances under which the procedure takes place. It takes little probing, for example, to find that support for abortion rises to as high as 84% in circumstances in which the woman's life is in danger, and drops to as low as 8% for abortions conducted in the third trimester. &lt;br&gt; In fact, Americans appear to be sympathetic to many of the circumstances that compel some women to choose abortion. In addition to the &quot;life of the mother&quot; circumstance, most Americans think abortion should be legal when the woman's physical health is endangered (81%), or when the pregnancy is the result of rape or incest (78%). A majority also supports termination when the woman's mental health is endangered (64%), and when there is evidence the baby may be physically impaired (53%) or mentally impaired (53%). On the other hand, one circumstance Americans reject as valid is financial inability, with only 34% saying abortion should be legal when the woman or family cannot afford to raise the child; 62% reject this rationale. &lt;br&gt; When the public is asked about the legality of abortion according to the stage of the development of the fetus rather than the specific circumstances involved, nearly two-thirds of Americans believe abortion should be legal in the first three months of pregnancy, while two-thirds or more say it should be illegal in the second and third trimesters.
* Interestingly, despite Americans' general acceptance of abortion in the early stages of pregnancy, the public tilts against legalizing a drug that induces abortions in the first trimester. Today, only 39% of Americans favor making the abortion pill RU-486 available in the United States as a prescription drug; 47% oppose it while 14% are unsure. &lt;br&gt; However, much of this opposition could be due to Americans' lack of familiarity with the drug. Only 54% say they have heard or read anything about RU-486. Among this group, approval of its introduction in the United States as prescription drug is relatively high, with 54% in favor and only 38% opposed. By contrast, disapproval of RU-486 is high among the 45% of Americans who have not heard of the drug. Among this group only 23% favor its use, while 58% are opposed.
* The Partial-Birth Abortion Ban Act was originally introduced in Congress in 1995. Gallup polls since then indicate the public widely favors legislation that would place a national ban on a particular procedure used to perform late-term abortions, except in cases in which it is necessary to save the life of the mother. In the latest survey, 66% support the legislation to ban partial-birth abortions, while just 29% oppose it. In fact, the ban is supported by a majority of Democrats and those who call themselves &quot;pro-choice&quot; as well as by most Republicans and those who say they are &quot;pro-life.&quot;

=== &quot;Alabama just criminalized abortions – and every single yes vote was cast by a white man&quot; (May 15, 2019) ===
&lt;small&gt; Garrand, Danielle (May 15, 2019). [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/alabama-abortion-law-state-criminalized-for-women-every-single-yes-vote-was-cast-by-white-man-2019-05-15/ &quot;Alabama just criminalized abortions – and every single yes vote was cast by a white man&quot;]. CBS News. Retrieved May 15, 2019. &lt;/small&gt;
* Twenty-five members of the Alabama State Senate voted to pass the nation's most restrictive abortion bill on Tuesday — and every single one of them were white men. On Wednesday, the state's Republican female governor, Kay Ivey, signed the bill into law. &lt;br&gt; After hours of discussion, the Senate on Tuesday passed the near-total abortion ban in a 25 to 6 vote. Of the 35 senators in the state, four are women, and they are all Democrats. &lt;br&gt; All 25 of the male senators to vote &quot;yes&quot; on the bill were Republicans. 
* Ivey, the state's second female governor, tweeted a photo of herself signing the bill with the caption &quot;To the bill's many supporters, this legislation stands as a powerful testament to Alabamians' deeply held belief that every life is precious &amp; that every life is a sacred gift from God.&quot;
* House Bill 314, known as the &quot;Human Life Protection Act&quot; prohibits abortion or attempted abortion in Alabama, except &quot;in cases where abortion is necessary in order to prevent a serious health risk to the unborn child's mother,&quot; according to the bill.  &lt;br&gt; It criminalizes the procedure, reclassifying abortion as a Class A felony, punishable by up to 99 years in prison for doctors. Attempted abortions will be reclassified as a Class C penalty. The legislation doesn't make an exceptions for victims or rape or incest.  &lt;br&gt; Rep. Terri Collins, a Republican, sponsored the bill in the House, which voted 74-3 to approve it in April. All six Republican women voted for the measure.
* Alabama's ban is just the most recent in a barrage of anti-abortion measures at state level. Last week, Georgia Gov. Brian Kemp signed into law the state's so-called &quot;fetal heartbeat&quot; bill, legislation that will prohibit abortions after a heartbeat is detected in an embryo, which is usually about five to six weeks into a pregnancy -- before most women know they're pregnant. The state was the sixth to pass such a law, and the fourth this year alone.

===  &quot;The tiny American towns passing anti-abortion rules&quot; (April 27, 2021) ===
&lt;small&gt; Jessica Glenza, [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2021/apr/27/us-tiny-towns-anti-abortion-ordinances &quot;The tiny American towns passing anti-abortion rules&quot;]. The Guardian. April 27, 2021. &lt;/small&gt;
* Over the last year of the pandemic, 23 tiny towns in Texas have approved local laws declaring themselves “sanctuary cities for the unborn”, passing ordinances to make the procedure punishable by a $2,000 fine. &lt;br&gt; In April, the tiny village of Hayes Center, Nebraska, became the 24th, and the first outside Texas. &lt;br&gt; “Would we ever see an abortion clinic in Hayes Center? Maybe not,” said Kim Primavera, a Hayes Center trustee. Four of the village’s five trustees are women, and most are young. They represent about 280 people here. “But it’s always better to be proactive than reactive in life in general,” she said. &lt;br&gt; The Hayes Center Times-Republican, the local newspaper which Primavera partially owns, reported that not a single person in town spoke against the measure.
* The towns and their leaders differ, but there is one constant: traveling preacher Mark Lee Dickson, a director of the tiny non-profit Right to Life of East Texas. &lt;br&gt; “I don’t have an abortion story, I’m a 35-year-old virgin. But I’ve seen the impacts of suicide and the throwing away of life in general,” Dickson said. “That’s why I’m so passionate about the subject of abortion.” 
* When CNN, the New York Times and the Associated Press called about the ordinance, Dickson wrote potential quotes for Mayor Jesse Moore, emailed them to the city secretary and asked if Moore found any appealing. It’s unclear if Moore ultimately used the quotes. &lt;br&gt; “Innocent human life must always be protected and preserved,” wrote Dickson in one email to the city secretary. “This would be a great quote as well. Let me know if he [the mayor] is good with these,” he wrote.
* Widespread attention propelled the ordinances forward as conservative media began to cover Dickson’s successes. It also gained him the monied backing of the religious Thomas More Society law firm. &lt;br&gt; The firm represented Waskom and six other cities when they were sued by the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) for libel after calling abortion providers “criminal organizations” in their ordinances. Texas’s former solicitor general, Jonathan F Mitchell, known for his work against unions, also offered his services to towns sued by the ACLU. &lt;br&gt; “We do have a village attorney,” said Primaveria, “but in this case” Mitchell agreed to represent the towns, she said.
* But even with the clout of lawyers behind the ordinances, some towns still found the legislation too divisive. The leaders of Carthage, Texas, where a 14ft statue of Jesus Christ stands on eastern outskirts of town, voted the ordinance down. It was simply bad policy, leaders argued. &lt;br&gt; “I am not going to be having an abortion. That is left up to the individual themselves if they want to have it,” Ida Beck, Carthage commissioner, said in a meeting where the ordinance was voted down, according to local newspaper the Panola Watchman. “They’re the ones who have to stand before God and face that.” &lt;br&gt; That Dickson is still busy passing such ordinances, traveling Texas, Nebraska and Missouri, is evidence of how the Trump administration empowered grassroots and often extreme campaigners, experts said.
* The biggest challenge for Dickson is just around the corner. The voters of Lubbock, Texas, will decide whether their town of 253,000 should be described as a “sanctuary city” for the unborn on 1 May. &lt;br&gt; The vote would not undo the right to obtain an abortion in Lubbock. Federal law supersedes local. But a success would sow confusion, heap pressure on a Planned Parenthood clinic, and further galvanize a movement bent on delegitimizing the courts.

=== &quot;Every State That's Tried to Ban Abortion Over the Coronavirus&quot; (April 7, 2020) ===
&lt;small&gt; Gold, Hannah (April 7, 2020). [https://www.thecut.com/2020/04/every-state-thats-tried-to-ban-abortion-over-coronavirus.html &quot;Every State That's Tried to Ban Abortion Over the Coronavirus&quot;]. The Cut. Retrieved April 7, 2020. &lt;/small&gt;
* Just days into the national surge of coronavirus cases, as an increasing number of states called for nonessential businesses to shut down, some Republican legislators began using the public health crisis as an opportunity to deny health care to patients seeking abortions. The tactic has been replicated in the past couple of weeks, with governors in several states peddling the cynical argument that temporarily banning abortion will help shore up their supply of medical gear for hospitals overwhelmed by the pandemic.  &lt;br&gt; So far, lawmakers in six states — Ohio, Texas, Alabama, Iowa, Oklahoma, and Arkansas — have attempted to halt abortion services indefinitely. In March, providers in Alabama, Iowa, Ohio, and Oklahoma filed lawsuits to prevent the orders from taking effect in their states. A similar lawsuit has been filed in Texas as well. On April 1, injunctions were granted in Ohio, Texas, and Alabama, so that clinics would be able to remain in operation. However, a federal appeals court quickly overturned the Texas injunction, kicking off a legal back-and-forth that has now escalated to the Supreme Court. On April 6, a federal judge in Oklahoma also granted an injunction, and the case against Iowa was dropped on April 1, after it was determined that the state would not ban all abortions.
* Anti-abortion legislators are taking advantage of a crisis to further their agenda. Many states are moving to limit nonessential medical procedures, like dental checkups and colonoscopies, in an attempt to conserve protective gear for health-care workers; by labeling abortion, too, as “nonessential,” they hope to institute a de facto temporary ban. This ignores the widespread medical consensus that abortion is an “essential component of comprehensive health care” and that it’s a time-sensitive procedure. Were these directives allowed to stand, they would force women to have to travel hundreds of miles to obtain safe and legal terminations at a time when three-quarters of Americans have been urged or ordered to stay at home.
* In late March, Ohio’s deputy attorney general, Jonathan Fulkerson, issued letters to three abortion providers ordering them to comply with the state’s freeze on nonessential medical procedures. Two of the clinics that received letters announced they would continue to provide abortions because they are essential medical procedures. &lt;br&gt; On April 1, district court judge Michael Barrett ruled in favor of Planned Parenthood and other reproductive rights groups challenging the state’s new abortion restrictions, ordering that the ban be suspended for two weeks. On Friday, Barrett extended that temporary restraining order for an additional two weeks.
* On March 23, Texas’s attorney general, Ken Paxton, issued a warning that, to be in compliance with Governor Greg Abbott’s recent executive order temporarily banning elective medical procedures, “any type of abortion that is not medically necessary to preserve the life or health of the mother” would be prohibited. Providers who didn’t comply with the order could result in fines of up to $1,000 or 180 days in jail — an extraordinarily unsafe prospect at this time, even beyond the carceral system’s routine injustices. &lt;br&gt; On March 30, a federal judge halted the state’s temporary abortion ban. The following day, however, the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals overturned the temporary restraining order, reinstating the ban. Paxton celebrated the ruling on Twitter: &lt;br&gt; The Fifth Circuit affirmed its decision on April 7, allowing the de facto ban to stand. But the same judge who halted the ban in late March then issued a temporary restraining order blocking parts of the measure. As of April 9, medication abortion was once again available in Texas. Patients who risked running up against the state’s gestational limitations before the nonessential-surgery suspension was lifted were also allowed to terminate their pregnancies. The Fifth Circuit came back and blocked the medication-abortion caveat the next day, however, and it looked like the case was headed to the Supreme Court. On Monday night, however, the Fifth Circuit ruled that the medication abortion — which involves a provider handing a patient two pills — did not qualify as a “procedure” and did not eat up crucial medical equipment, and the complainants withdrew their case from SCOTUS on Tuesday.
* The American Civil Liberties Union filed a lawsuit on behalf of abortion providers in late March, after Iowa Governor Kim Reynolds listed abortion among nonessential medical procedures temporarily banned across the state in response to the pandemic. However, the suit was dropped right before a scheduled hearing, after the state clarified it would not ban all surgical abortions. 
* Alabama’s three remaining abortion clinics sought a temporary restraining order after the state’s attorney general, Steve Marshall, implied that the Alabama Department of Public Health’s March 27 order, which suspended elective medical procedures, could apply to patients seeking abortions. According to the lawsuit, Marshall “refused to provide any further guidance as to how [his office] is interpreting the scope of the order other than to make plain that in its view, some — and perhaps most — abortions are not permitted.” &lt;br&gt; On March 30, Alabama district court judge Myron Thompson issued a temporary restraining order suspending the ban, at least until April 6, when he would hear arguments over video conference. Thompson said in his ruling that “the state’s interest in immediate enforcement of the March 27 order — a broad mandate aimed primarily at preventing large social gatherings — against abortion providers does not, based on the current record, outweigh plaintiffs’ concerns.” On April 12, Thompson issued a preliminary injunction, restoring access.
* Several advocacy groups, including the Center for Reproductive Rights, filed a suit at the end of March, seeking a temporary restraining order on Governor Kevin Sitt’s executive order suspending elective medical procedures through April 7. The order would have banned nearly all abortions, except when one could be proved necessary to prevent health risks to the patient. &lt;br&gt; On April 6, federal judge Charles Goodwin blocked the order, writing in his decision that the state of Oklahoma “has acted in an ‘unreasonable,’ ‘arbitrary,’ and ‘oppressive’ way — and imposed an ‘undue burden’ on abortion access — in imposing requirements that effectively deny a right of access to abortion.”
* On April 3, Arkansas Governor Asa Hutchinson ordered all non-essential medical procedures and surgeries be postponed. On Friday, the state’s last remaining abortion clinic — Little Rock Family Planning Services — received a cease-and-desist letter from the health department saying the clinic was in violation of the order, because the state considered abortions that were “not immediately necessary to protect the life or health of the patient” to be elective procedures. Further violations, the letter said, would trigger the suspension of the clinic’s license. &lt;br&gt; On Monday, April 13, the ACLU filed an emergency lawsuit with the U.S. Court for the Eastern District of Arkansas, arguing that “nothing in the current crisis justifies” suspending abortion access, and further, that “prohibiting abortion during the pandemic will not achieve any of the State’s public-health objectives and is in fact likely to exacerbate the crisis.”
* There have been rumblings of anti-abortion action in Kentucky, too, although no steps to curtail abortion have been taken so far. On March 27, the Courier-Journal reported that the state’s attorney general, Daniel Cameron, asked that the Democratic Governor Andy Beshear categorize abortions as an elective medical procedure to ban them. In a statement, Cameron called on the state’s anti-abortion Republican legislators to join his cause “to protect the health of … patients and slow the spread of coronavirus.” &lt;br&gt; Beshear’s executive order to ban elective procedures, issued March 23, is vague, leaving the definition of “essential” open to the interpretation of medical professionals. When asked, days later, whether abortion qualifies as essential medical care, Beshear responded, “I leave it to our health professionals to determine what falls into elective and the essential.” Abortion providers in Kentucky are continuing to officer services in compliance with the state’s order and in spite of the AG’s rhetoric.
* Only a single clinic providing abortion access remains in Mississippi, and on March 24, the state’s Republican governor, Tate Reeves, reiterated his desire to paralyze it. Reeves repeated the anti-choice line about abortion being an elective procedure and therefore temporarily banned. “It is without question that the lone clinic in Jackson does, in fact, operate doing procedures that are elective and not required,” he said. &lt;br&gt; Nonetheless, the Center for Reproductive Rights confirmed in an email to the Cut that Mississippi’s abortion clinic, remains open, active, and in compliance with the state’s emergency directives.

=== “The Racist History of Abortion and Midwifery Bans” (July 1, 2020) ===
&lt;small&gt; Michele Goodwin, [https://www.aclu.org/news/racial-justice/the-racist-history-of-abortion-and-midwifery-bans/ “The Racist History of Abortion and Midwifery Bans”], ''ACLU'', (July 1, 2020) &lt;/small&gt;
* Following the Supreme Court’s decision in June Medical Services v. Russo this week, it is worth reflecting on the racist origins of the anti-abortion movement in the United States, which date back to the ideologies of slavery. Just like slavery, anti-abortion efforts are rooted in white supremacy, the exploitation of Black women, and placing women’s bodies in service to men. Just like slavery, maximizing wealth and consolidating power motivated the anti-abortion enterprise. Then, just as now, anti-abortion efforts have nothing to do with saving women’s lives or protecting the interests of children. Today, a person is 14 times more likely to die by carrying a pregnancy to term than by having an abortion, and medical evidence has shown for decades that an abortion is as safe as a penicillin shot—and yet abortion remains heavily restricted in states across the country.
* Prior to the Civil War, abortion and contraceptives were legal in the U.S., used by Indigenous women as well as those who sailed to these lands from Europe. For the most part, the persons who performed all manner of reproductive health care were women — female midwives. Midwifery was interracial; half of the women who provided reproductive health care were Black women. Other midwives were Indigenous and white.  
* Abortion was an expedient way to frame their campaign to create monopolies on women’s bodies for male doctors. The American Medical Association explicitly contributed to this cause through its exclusion of women and Black people. &lt;br&gt; Today, as people debate whether anti-abortion platforms benefit Black women, the clear answer is no. The U.S. leads the developed world in maternal and infant mortality. The U.S. ranks around 50th in the world for maternal safety. Nationally, for Black women, the maternal death rate is nearly four times that of white women, and 10 to 17 times worse in some states.

=== &quot;Law and Everyday Death: Infanticide and the Backlash against Woman's Rights after the Civil War.&quot; (2006) ===
&lt;small&gt; Gordon, Sarah Barringer. [https://books.google.com/books?id=yBGgoabpnjsC  &quot;Law and Everyday Death: Infanticide and the Backlash against Woman's Rights after the Civil War.&quot;] Lives of the Law. Austin Sarat, Lawrence Douglas, and Martha Umphrey, Editors. (University of Michigan Press 2006) &lt;/small&gt;
* The sense that infanticide was both prevalent and largely unpunished was not confined to the working women whose interests the suffragists claimed to represent. Especially in large cities, married women of wealth and stature also “redden[ed] their souls” with the blood of their own children. The problem was especially common in urban areas, where the lure of pleasure led women to sacrifice infants to their own selfish desires. Abortion, charged the conservative press, was as much a threat as the murder of newborns. Both were forms of infanticide. A “New York Times” editorial, written on the day of the Hester Vaughn rally in New York, claimed that “the horrible crime of infanticide prevails to such an extent in America, that in some localities the growth of the population is seriously affected by it. In great cities especially, its results are as shocking as they are alarming; and the attention of social philosophers and Christian moralists has lately been directed to the necessity of adopting some means of limiting its prevalence.” The “Times” also charged that upperclass women were guilty of infanticide: “It is not only practiced by women who, having gone astray, are so anxious to conceal the result of their errors as not to stop at murder, but women who are legally married, and move in respectable society, redden their souls and their hands with the blood of legitimate children, to escape the trouble of maternity and the labor of nurture and training. The growth of flourishing businesses that openly advertised abortifacient medicines fueled a sense that the incidence of abortion among middle-and upper-class women was rising in proportion to falling birth rates among native-born, white Protestant women.
** pp.65-66

* Concern over the vulnerability of children increased as the rate of abortions and the apparent power of women grew in the nineteenth century. Woman’s rights activists were frequently blamed for threats to the welfare of children, and the decision whether to have children at all. Letters to the editor in Philadelphia papers about the Vaughn case revealed that the connection between Vaughn’s situation and the practices of upper-class women was widely perceived. Fighting back against New York suffragists, for example, one outraged correspondent claimed that “we have the authority of Henry Ward Beecher and other divines, for believing that amongst the virtuous matrons of the virtuous city of New York, [infanticide] is of frequent occurrence and regarded as a very trifling offence; therefore . . . we need not be surprised if these ladies pass resolutions condemning the Philadelphia jury which regards so trifling an offence as the killing of an innocent babe, ‘murder in the first degree.’” Opponents translated “Hester Vaughnism” into an excuse to attack the middle-class women who defended Vaughn, charging them with the crime Vaughn had been convicted of.
** p.66

* These attempts to deflect support for Vaughn by arguing that her case represented simply a more overt form of the abortion (and associated selfish individualism) practiced by wealthier women, were met head-on by suffragists. In a column in the “Revolution”, Parker Pillsbury claimed that agitation for the pardon and release of Hester Vaughn was expressly designed to “unfold that very evil [infanticide] in all its horrible enormity and extent.’ Suffragists shared with Judge Ludlow the sense that infanticide was  a growing and urgent problem in American cities. They embraced the claim that abortion and infanticide were identical morally, if not criminally. To hammer home the connection, they shot back at Philadelphia, insisting that “infanticide is as fashionable among the virtuous matrons of Philadelphia as those of [New York.” Pillsbury’s speech on behalf of Vaughn at the Cooper Institute was directed at precisely this issue, arguing that to hold Vaughn guilty was to apply a double standard. It would be unfair, Pillsbury argued, to hold a working woman accountable for a practice indulged in with impunity by “fashionable matrons” and their husbands. Pillsbury also claimed that the press itself was as guilty at any patron of the famous abortionist known as “Madame Restell”: “Did it never occur to you that in large numbers of these newspapers-religious papers not excluded-professional infanticide is advertised in a disgusting form? (Applause_. Have your not in your own city professional murderers? How many newspapers have you too pure to advertise these murders from week to week? (A voice, ‘None.’).”
** pp.66-67

* ”The loathsome operators of the abomination,” claimed suffragists, were the real murderers. But the legal system punished only innocent young women who had no control over their actions and were too poor to provide shelter and care for their babes. The “Revolution” reported a case in January 1869 in which a newborn frozen to death after its mother gave birth in a shed near Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. “Why not try her for murder?” the editor queried rhetorically, implying that Hester Vaughn, like the woman in the story, was a victim of circumstances beyond her control.
** p.67

* As the historian Linda Gordon has pointed out, nineteenth-century woman’s rights activists did not support abortion, focusing instead on abstinence and husbands’ responsibility for respecting their wives’ desires for “Voluntary Motherhood.” In the nineteenth century, liberal suffragists accepted broadly what most twentieth- and twenty-first-century feminists deny categorically: that is, they equated abortion with infanticide. As Gordon put it, motherhood in nineteenth-century activism was both central to respect for women, and the site of male sexual tyranny. To embrace abortion would be to countenance sexual licentiousness, woman’s rights activists concluded, instead of attacking the problem where it began, in the unlimited access of husbands to their wives’ bodies. Exemption from motherhood was not a viable alternative in nineteenth-century suffragism, for it would  mean the abandonment of the source of women’s unique ability to rise above individual identify, and all the selfishness that such individualism implied. According to one report of the Hester Vaughn rally, Elizabeth Cady Stanton’s announcement that the “Revolution” accepted no advertisements for abortifacients or other forms of birth control was greeted with applause.
** p.67

=== “The Moral Property of Women” (2002) ===
&lt;small&gt; Gordon, Linda (2002). [https://www.google.com/books/edition/The_Moral_Property_of_Women/EQDE5TKoFQ0C?hl=en&amp;gbpv=1&amp;printsec=frontcover “The Moral Property of Women”]. University of Illinois Press. ISBN 0-252-02764-7. “Ch.2 The Criminals” &lt;/small&gt;
* Abortion was much more common than infanticide, however, practiced most often by the married and frequent in all classes. In 1862, when the wife of a Confederate general, William Dorset Pender, wrote him that she was, unfortunately, pregnant, he wrote her pious phrases about “God’s will” but also sent her pills that his camp surgeon had thought might “relieve” her.
** p.24

* In 1871 Dr. Martin Luther Holbrook wrote that American women were “addicted” to the wicked practice and that it was especially widespread in New England, where the decline in the birth rate was most pronounced. One antiabortion propagandist, in a style clearly intended to repel and frighten, wrote: “Nowadays, if a baby accidentally find a lodgement in the uterus, it may perchance have a knitting-needle stuck in its eyes before it has any.”
** pp.24-25

* In 1872 the ''New York Times'' called abortion “The Evil of the Age.” The Times” estimated that there were two hundred full-time abortionists in New York City, not including doctors who performed abortions occasionally. It may be that tens of thousands of abortions were done in New York City alone in the 1870s, one judge estimating, probably exaggeratedly, one hundred thousand a year in the 1890s. In 1904 a physician estimated six to ten thousand a year in Chicago. In the 1890s doctors were estimating two million abortions a year in the United States-they too were probably exaggerating, but the numbers represented their anxiety. In 1921, when statistics on these matters were more reliable, a Stanford University study calculated that one out of every 1. To 2.3 pregnancies ended in abortion, of which at least 50 percent were illegal. Among a thousand women who went to a birth control clinic in the Bronx, New York, in 1931032, 3 percent had had at least one illegal abortion, a proportion that applied to Catholics as well as Protestants and Jews.
** p.25

* In 1881 the Michigan Board of Health estimated one hundred thousand abortions a year in the United States, with just six thousand deaths, or a 6 percent mortality rate. There is some misunderstanding about abortion safety today because the campaign for legalized abortion has understandably emphasized the dangers of illegal abortion. In fact, illegal abortions in this country have an impressive safety record. The Kinsey investigators, for example, were impressed with the safety and skill of the abortion they surveyed. Studies of maternal mortality in the late 1920s and early 1930s found that 13-14 percent resulted from illegal abortion (meaning, of course, that 86-87 percent resulted from child-birth). Legal abortion had made that ratio even more uneven today in the United States, when eleven times more women die in childbirth than from abortions. &lt;br&gt; This does not mean that abortions were pleasant. They were painful and frightening, and anxiety was worse because they were “gotten in sin” and, often, in isolation. The physical risk was heightened by the illegality, just as it is today.
** p.25

* The criminalization of abortion also increased women’s anxiety. Before the nineteenth century, few people considered abortion wrong is performed in the first few months of pregnancy. The first modern legislation banning abortion altogether did not originate in catholic canon law, as is widely believed, but in the secular law of England in 1803. Until then the Protestant churches had gone along with the Catholic tradition that before “quickening”-the moment at which the fetus was believed to gain life-abortion was permissible. U.S. courts upheld this interpretation until at least 1845. The Catholic Church was a follower, not a leader,  in restricting abortion, only legislating to prohibit it in 1869, well after most stated in the United States of America had outlawed all abortion during the Civil War period. Throughout the nineteenth century, most American women seemed to share the belief that before quickening, taking action to “bring on menstruation” was in no way reprehensible.
** p.25

* Stories of men dosing their pregnant girlfriends with abortifacients come from all periods of American history. In Maryland in 1652, Susanna Warren, a single woman made pregnant by “prominent citizen” Captain Mitchell, said that he prepared for her a “potion of Phisick,” put it in an egg, and forced  her to take it.” It didn’t work  and she brought charges against him. Slaves commonly practiced abortion. An antebellum doctor found abortion four times as frequent among blacks as among whites, noting that “all country practitioners are aware of the frequent complaints of planters from this subject.” Though the doctor may have been underestimating the prevalence of abortion among whites, abortion among slaves was undoubtedly not only a tool of self-preservation but also a form of resistance.
** pp.26-27

* We have more information about the commercialization of abortion in the later nineteenth century because the New York Times embarked on a series of investigative reports about it. The professional abortionists who advertised in the papers were often medical imposters-that is, they lacked medical degrees, though many “doctors” did too, having purchased their degrees from diploma mills. Frequently abortionists used several aliases, sometimes to avoid old prosecutions, sometimes to operate several establishments simultaneously under different names. Sometimes the advertisements would feature a woman’s name, as a woman seeking help would be more likely to approach another woman, although the abortionist might be male.
** pp.28-29

* When the medical establishment undertook a campaign against abortion in the second half of the nineteenth century, its very vehemence served as a further indication of the prevalence of illegal abortions. In 1857 the American medical Association (AMA) initiated a formal investigation of the frequency of abortion. Seven years later the AMA offered a prize for the best popular antiabortion tract. Medical attacks on abortion grew in number and virulence until, by the 1870s, both professional and popular journals were virtually saturated with the issue. Physicians bemoaned the widespread lay acceptance of abortion before quickening; in order to break that sympathy, they adopted a new vocabulary that described abortion in terms designed to shock and repel, such as “antenatal infanticide.” Physicians attempted to frighten women away from abortion by emphasizing its dangers. Their common assertion that there was “no” safe abortion may have betrayed ignorance, but more likely it was an exaggeration justified by what they believed was a higher moral purpose. Yet occasionally even antiabortion doctors allowed the truth to slip out, revealing despite themselves why their campaign remained ineffective. It is such a  simple and comparatively safe matter for a skillful and aseptic operator to interrupt an undesirable pregnancy at an early date,” wrote Dr. A. L. Benedict of Buffalo, New York, an opponent of abortion, “That the natural temptation is to comply with the request.
** p.30

=== &quot;Justices Back Ban on Method of Abortion&quot; (April 19, 2007) ===
&lt;small&gt; Greenhouse, Linda (April 19, 2007). [https://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/19/washington/19scotus.html &quot;Justices Back Ban on Method of Abortion&quot;], ''The New York Times''. &lt;/small&gt;
* The banned procedure, known medically as “intact dilation and extraction,” involves removing the fetus in an intact condition rather than dismembering it in the uterus. Both methods are used to terminate pregnancies beginning at about 12 weeks, after the fetus has grown too big to be removed by the suction method commonly used in the first trimester, when 85 percent to 90 percent of all abortions take place.  &lt;br&gt; While the ruling will thus have a direct impact on only a relatively small subset of abortion practice, the decision has broader implications for abortion regulations generally, indicating a change in the court’s balancing of the various interests involved in the abortion debate. &lt;br&gt; Most notable was the emphasis in the majority opinion, by Justice Anthony M. Kennedy, on the implication of abortion’s “ethical and moral concerns.”  &lt;br&gt; “The act expresses respect for the dignity of human life,” Justice Kennedy said.
* Mr. Bush welcomed the ruling, saying: “The Supreme Court’s decision is an affirmation of the progress we have made over the past six years in protecting human dignity and upholding the sanctity of life. We will continue to work for the day when every child is welcomed in life and protected in law.” &lt;br&gt; It was also a vindication for the strategic choice the anti-abortion movement made 15 years ago, when the prospect of persuading the Supreme Court to reconsider the right to abortion seemed a distant dream.  &lt;br&gt; By identifying the intact procedure and giving it the provocative label “partial-birth abortion,” the movement turned the public focus of the abortion debate from the rights of women to the fate of fetuses. In short order, 30 states banned the procedure. 
* The court did not explicitly overturn any of its precedents, although Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, writing for the four dissenters, said the decision was “so at odds with our jurisprudence” that it “should not have staying power.” Justice Ginsburg called the decision “alarming” and said the majority’s “hostility” to the right to abortion was “not concealed.”
* Justice Kennedy took pains to describe the decision as faithful to the court’s earlier rulings, including the one in the Nebraska case. He said that by defining the prohibited procedure more precisely, the federal law avoided the vagueness the court had found in the Nebraska statute and thus did not place doctors at risk of violating it inadvertently. &lt;br&gt; Congress passed the law in response to the court’s ruling in the Nebraska case, responding specifically to the majority’s insistence in that case that the law must include an exception for circumstances when the banned procedure was necessary for the sake of a pregnant woman’s health. Congress provided an exception only to save a pregnant woman’s life, as Nebraska had, declaring that the procedure was never necessary for a woman’s health.
* Justice Kennedy, in addressing the need for the health exception, said on Wednesday that it was acceptable for Congress not to include one because there was “medical uncertainty” over whether the banned procedure was ever necessary for the sake of a woman’s health. He said that pregnant women or their doctors could assert an individual need for a health exception by going to court to challenge the law as it applied to them. &lt;br&gt; Justice Ginsburg said that this approach was unrealistic and “gravely mistaken.” She said that requiring “piecemeal” litigation “jeopardizes women’s health and places doctors in an untenable position.” &lt;br&gt; Clarke D. Forsythe, president of Americans United for Life, a leading anti-abortion group, said approvingly that while the court did not technically overturn the Nebraska decision, the new ruling “effectively gutted it.” &lt;br&gt; Dr. LeRoy H. Carhart, the Nebraska doctor who challenged both the state law in 2000 and the federal law in this case, Gonzales v. Carhart, No. 05-380, said that “those who support this law are trying to outlaw all abortions, one step at a time.”
* In his discussion of the court’s precedents, Justice Kennedy went so far as to suggest that the new ruling was in fact compelled by the court’s decision in Planned Parenthood v. Casey, the 1992 case that reaffirmed the basic holding of Roe v. Wade that women have a constitutional right to abortion. Justice Kennedy supported that result and helped write the decision’s unusual joint opinion. &lt;br&gt; On Wednesday, he said that “whatever one’s views concerning the Casey joint opinion, it is evident a premise central to its conclusion — that the government has a legitimate and substantial interest in preserving and promoting fetal life — would be repudiated were the court now to affirm the judgments of the courts of appeals” that struck down the federal law. &lt;br&gt; In describing the federal law’s justifications, Justice Kennedy said that banning the procedure was in fact good for women, protecting them against terminating their pregnancies by a method they might not fully understand in advance and would come to regret later.  &lt;br&gt; “Respect for human life finds an ultimate expression in the bond of love the mother has for her child,” he said, adding: “It is self-evident that a mother who comes to regret her choice to abort must struggle with grief more anguished and sorrow more profound when she learns, only after the event, what she once did not know: that she allowed a doctor to pierce the skull and vacuum the fast-developing brain of her unborn child, a child assuming the human form.”
* Justice Ginsburg objected vehemently that “this way of thinking reflects ancient notions of women’s place in the family and under the Constitution — ideas that have long since been discredited.”  &lt;br&gt; She cited century-old Supreme Court cases that upheld a paternalistic view of women’s place in society and contrasted those with more recent cases, including one she successfully argued to the court in 1977 and one in which she wrote the majority opinion in 1996, that rejected “archaic and overbroad generalizations” and assumptions about women’s inherent dependency.
* One law professor, Martin S. Lederman of Georgetown University, commented after reading Justice Ginsburg’s response on this point that Justice Kennedy’s opinion “was an attack on her entire life’s work.”  &lt;br&gt; In her opinion, Justice Ginsburg said the majority had provided only “flimsy and transparent justifications” for upholding the law, which she noted “saves not a single fetus from destruction” by banning a single method of abortion. “One wonders how long a line that saves no fetus from destruction will hold in face of the court’s ‘moral concerns,’ ” she said.

=== &quot;The Roberts Court Takes on Abortion&quot; (November 5, 2006) ===
&lt;small&gt; Linda Greenhouse, [https://www.nytimes.com/2006/11/05/weekinreview/05greenhouse.html?scp=1&amp;sq=infanticide &quot;The Roberts Court Takes on Abortion&quot;]. ''New York Times''. (November 5, 2006). &lt;/small&gt;
* THE arguments the Supreme Court will hear on Wednesday on the constitutionality of the federal Partial-Birth Abortion Ban Act promise much more than a resumption of a familiar debate over a method of terminating a pregnancy. &lt;br&gt; In defining the permissible limits on access to abortion, only six years after declaring a similar restriction unconstitutional in a case from Nebraska, the court must go a long way toward defining its stance toward precedent, its relationship to Congress, and its view of its own role in the constitutional system. As it decides the new cases, the still-emerging Roberts court will inevitably be defining itself. &lt;br&gt; That much is clear from briefs submitted to the court by the abortion rights side, where many believe that their only hope of prevailing lies in persuading Justice Anthony M. Kennedy to reconsider the position he took in an emotionally laden dissenting opinion in the Nebraska case. Justice Kennedy said then that states should be able to outlaw “a procedure many decent and civilized people find so abhorrent as to be among the most serious of crimes against human life.” &lt;br&gt; Justice Sandra Day O’Connor, who retired in January, voted with the 5-to-4 majority. No one knows whether either of the two newest justices, her successor, Samuel A. Alito Jr., or Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr., might step into her shoes. But the fate of the federal law may rest with Justice Kennedy, the only one of the four dissenters who accepts the court’s precedents on the basic right to abortion.
* Three federal appeals courts have considered the federal law, and all three have declared it unconstitutional on the basis of the Nebraska decision.  &lt;br&gt; The court is hearing the Bush administration’s appeal of two of those rulings. The administration argues that the federal law and the Nebraska ruling can coexist if the court recognizes an obligation to defer to Congress’s judgment that a health exception is unnecessary. But if the court finds otherwise, Solicitor General Paul D. Clement will argue, then the Nebraska precedent, not the federal law, should fall.
* Leaders of abortion rights groups, caught by surprise when the National Right to Life Committee first publicized the procedure, known medically as “intact dilation and evacuation,” initially said it was very rare.  &lt;br&gt; But now, medical organizations and medical school professors who have filed briefs attacking the law say that in fact, doctors performing abortions in the second trimester, when about 10 percent of all abortions take place, often try to remove the fetus in as intact a condition as possible. The goal is to avoid complications caused by the repeated insertion of surgical tools and by sharp bone fragments that can injure the patient internally. &lt;br&gt; The doctors say it is not always possible to tell in advance whether intact removal can be achieved, or whether the process of extraction will dismember the fetus. In any event, they say, intact and “disarticulated” abortions are “part and parcel of the same procedure,” meaning that doctors could not know when they might be placing themselves in legal jeopardy. &lt;br&gt; Abortion opponents are now the ones who describe the procedure as rare, seeking to offer reassurance that banning it would not deprive women of access to safe second-trimester abortions.
* “Infanticide” is a potent label, frequently used by abortion opponents. One brief describes the procedure as “killing a child in the birth process.” While this description is true in the sense that uninterrupted gestation leads to birth — “He not busy being born is busy dying,” in the words of the Bob Dylan song — it is well off the mark as a description of what actually occurs.  &lt;br&gt; The standard procedure used by Dr. Warren M. Hern, the author of a widely consulted textbook on abortion and one of the leading providers of abortions after 18 weeks of pregnancy, is to “induce fetal demise” by injecting a drug one or two days before the abortion. &lt;br&gt; “The cognitive construct of the law has nothing to do with current medical practice,” Dr. Hern, who is not involved in the cases, said last week.

=== &quot;Induced abortion: an overview for internists&quot; (2004) === 
&lt;small&gt; Grimes, DA; Creinin, MD (2004). [https://www.acpjournals.org/doi/full/10.7326/0003-4819-140-8-200404200-00009?rfr_dat=cr_pub++0pubmed&amp;url_ver=Z39.88-2003&amp;rfr_id=ori%3Arid%3Acrossref.org &quot;Induced abortion: an overview for internists&quot;]. ''Annals of Internal Medicine''. 140 (8): 620–26. doi:10.7326/0003-4819-140-8-200404200-00009. PMID 15096333. &lt;/small&gt;  
* Most internists' practices include large numbers of patients who have had or will seek induced abortion. Although abortion rates are declining, were they to remain stable, an estimated 43% of all U.S. women would have had one or more induced abortions during their reproductive years. More than 30 million U.S. women now share this experience.
* Several important demographic and medical trends are evident over the past 3 decades. The proportion of teenage patients having abortions has declined, as has the proportion of married women. Women have been obtaining abortions at progressively earlier gestational ages and by suction, rather than sharp, curettage. As of 1999, over half of all women having abortions were mothers of one or more children. A nationwide survey by the Alan Guttmacher Institute indicated that in 2000 and 2001, most women older than 17 years of age reported a religious affiliation: 43% Protestant, 27% Catholic, 8% other, and 22% no religious affiliation. Forty-six percent of women had not used a contraceptive method in the month in which they conceived; inconsistent use of contraceptive method was the main cause of pregnancy among those using contraception.
* Access to abortion clinics remains a problem: Clinics cluster in metropolitan areas. About one third of women of reproductive age live in the 87% of U.S. counties without an abortion provider. Among the nation's 276 metropolitan areas, 86 have no provider. About a quarter of women have to travel 50 miles or more to reach a clinic; this geographic barrier hinders both service provision and follow-up in case of complications.
* Unlike most other operations, the cost of abortion has dropped dramatically over the past 3 decades. The current charges are below market value for several reasons. First, the Hyde Amendment cut off federal payment of nearly all abortions for poor women in 1977, and clinics have intentionally tried to keep the price within reach of women of limited means. Seventeen states, including California and New York, currently use state funds to pay for medically necessary abortions; 33 states and the District of Columbia prohibit funding of medically necessary abortions, except in extraordinary cases. Nationwide, only a quarter of women receive services billed directly to public or private insurance. Second, competition between clinics in cities has kept costs low. In 2001 and 2002, the average self-paying woman was charged $372 for a surgical abortion at 10 weeks. Adjusted for the increase in the consumer price index over the past 3 decades, the charge should be several times higher. In general, clinics set medical and surgical abortion prices to be similar so as to eliminate financial reasons for women to choose between the methods.

=== &quot;The limitations of U.S. statistics on abortion&quot; (1997) === 
&lt;small&gt; ''The Guttmacher Institute''. [https://web.archive.org/web/20120404080239/http:/www.guttmacher.org/pubs/ib14.html &quot;The limitations of U.S. statistics on abortion&quot;]. ''Issues in Brief''. New York:  1997. Archived from the original on 4 April 2012. &lt;/small&gt;
* There are few authoritative data to support claims regarding how many late-term abortions are performed, and little understanding of the complexities involved in securing such data. This Issues in Brief describes how abortion data are obtained, what they consist of and why they have inherent limitations. 
* Termination of pregnancy is one of the most frequently performed surgical procedures in the United States. There were 1.5 million abortions in 1992, and the incidence is estimated to have declined to 1.4 million in 1994. Although abortion incidence is the subject of some academic research and much anecdotal reporting, nationally valid data are available from only two sources: the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and The Alan Guttmacher Institute (AGI).  &lt;br&gt; The CDC initiated its enumeration of abortions in 1969, two years after Colorado became the first state to liberalize its abortion law. AGI began its collection of information in 1974, the year after the Supreme Court handed down its ruling in Roe v. Wade that the Constitution protects a woman's decision to terminate her pregnancy prior to the viability of the fetus. After viability, ruled the Court, abortion could be prohibited except when it was necessary to preserve the woman's life or he alth. The CDC collects abortion statistics yearly. AGI, dependent on private funding, has had to limit its data collection in recent times to every four years. 
* The data collected by the CDC and AGI are complementary, but have different emphases. The CDC, consistent with its federal function, focuses particular attention on the safety of the procedure, while AGI concerns itself with the availability of abortion services throughout the country.  &lt;br&gt; The methods of data collection differ as well. The CDC collects most of its information indirectly, mainly through reports from state health departments. Reports for the 45 states that collect information on abortion and the District of Columbia vary in completeness, with some lacking information on as many as 40-50% of the abortions that occur in the state. 
* [T]he only national data on the incidence of abortion by weeks of gestation come from the CDC reports, which are dependent on state-generated information that is often incomplete. States also vary in their methods of recording gestational age: Some use the number of weeks that have elapsed since the woman's last menstrual period (which overstates the length of gestation), and others record the physician's estimate of gestational age. In addition, individual states, over time, have changed their reporting format, making it difficult to observe trends and make comparisons. &lt;br&gt; The CDC reports group all abortions after 20 weeks of gestation into one category. After the CDC figures are adjusted for underreporting, approximately 16,450 procedures, or roughly 1% of all abortions in 1992, were estimated to have been performed beyond 20 weeks since the woman's last menstrual period.
* In 1987 and 1995, AGI collected information nationally on the socioeconomic characteristics of approximately 10,000 women obtaining abortions. The results of the 1995 survey show that the women who are most likely to obtain an abortion have an annual income of less than $15,000, are enrolled in Medicaid, are aged 18-24, are nonwhite or Hispanic, are separated or never-married, live with a partner outside marriage and have no religious affiliation. Catholics are as likely as the general population of women to terminate a pregnancy, Protestants are less likely to do so, and Evangelical Christians are the least likely to do so.
* Data have also become more difficult to collect over time as harassment has escalated at abortion clinics or at the offices of physicians for whom abortion is a large part of their medical practice. The violence and fear engendered by some protests probably increases the reluctance of providers to report abortions to the state health authorities or even to respond to private inquiries from AGI. &lt;br&gt; In addition, the most difficult data to obtain are from private practitioners who perform a small number of abortions. Should the nonsurgical methods that are currently being introduced on a trial basis gain widespread acceptance in physicians' offices, the completeness of abortion data would be likely to decrease further. &lt;br&gt; Because information from providers is not likely to improve and, indeed, may erode further, perhaps inquiries regarding abortion should be addressed to the women themselves. However, women are often reluctant to report having had an abortion. In fact, under reporting of abortion is a common problem in surveys around the world, a factor that then hinders the gathering of information on the number of pregnancies that women experience, especially unintended pregnancies. 

=== &quot;Alan Guttmacher Institute, Induced Abortion, Facts in Brief, 2002&quot; (2002) ===
&lt;small&gt; [https://www.infoplease.com/math-science/health/healthcare/abortion-in-the-united-states &quot;Induced Abortion Facts in Brief&quot;] (2002) Retrieved via InfoPlease January 7, 2007. (Updated February 11, 2017)  Adapted from &quot;Alan Guttmacher Institute, Induced Abortion, Facts in Brief, 2002&quot;. Facts in Brief Archived October 13, 2007, at the Wayback Machine from Guttmacher Institute &lt;/small&gt;
* Nearly half of pregnancies among American women are unintended, and about 4 in 10 of these are terminated by abortion. 22% of all pregnancies (excluding miscarriages) end in abortion. &lt;br&gt; 40% of pregnancies among white women, 67% among blacks and 53% among Hispanics are unintended.  &lt;br&gt; In 2008, 1.21 million abortions were performed, down from 1.31 million in 2000. However, between 2005 and 2008, the long-term decline in abortions stalled. From 1973 through 2008, nearly 50 million legal abortions occurred. &lt;br&gt; Each year, two percent of women aged 15?44 have an abortion. Half have had at least one previous abortion.  &lt;br&gt; At least half of American women will experience an unintended pregnancy by age 45, and, at current rates, one in 10 women will have an abortion by age 20, one in four by age 30 and three in 10 by age 45.
* 18% of U.S. women obtaining abortions are teenagers; those aged 15-17 obtain 6% of all abortions, teens aged 18-19 obtain 11%, and teens younger than age 15 obtain 0.4%. &lt;br&gt; Women in their 20s account for more than half of all abortions; women aged 20-24 obtain 33% of all abortions, and women aged 25-29 obtain 24%.  &lt;br&gt; Non-Hispanic white women account for 36% of abortions, non-Hispanic black women for 30%, Hispanic women for 25% and women of other races for 9%.  &lt;br&gt; 37% of women obtaining abortions identify as Protestant and 28% as Catholic. &lt;br&gt; Women who have never married and are not cohabiting account for 45% of all abortions. &lt;br&gt; About 61% of abortions are obtained by women who have one or more children. &lt;br&gt; 42% percent of women obtaining abortions have incomes below 100% of the federal poverty level ($10,830 for a single woman with no children). &lt;br&gt; 27% of women obtaining abortions have incomes between 100-199% of the federal poverty level. &lt;br&gt; The reasons women give for having an abortion underscore their understanding of the responsibilities of parenthood and family life. Three-fourths of women cite concern for or responsibility to other individuals; three-fourths say they cannot afford a child; three-fourths say that having a baby would interfere with work, school or the ability to care for dependents; and half say they do not want to be a single parent or are having problems with their husband or partner.
* 54% of women having abortions used a contraceptive method during the month they became pregnant.  &lt;br&gt; 8% of women having abortions have never used a method of birth control; nonuse is greatest among those who are young, unmarried, poor, black, Hispanic, or poorly educated.  &lt;br&gt; 46% of women who have abortions had not used a contraceptive method during the month they became pregnant. Of these women, 33% had perceived themselves to be at low risk for pregnancy, 32% had had concerns about contraceptive methods, 26% had had unexpected sex and 1% had been forced to have sex. &lt;br&gt; About half of unintended pregnancies occur among the 11% of women who are at risk for unintended pregnancy but are not using contraceptives. Most of these women have practiced contraception in the past.
* The number of U.S. abortion providers remained stable between 2005 (1,787) and 2008 (1,793). 87% of all U.S. counties lacked an abortion provider in 2008; 35% of women live in those counties. &lt;br&gt;  The number of abortion providers declined by 11% between 1996 and 2000 (from 2,042 to 1,819). 87% of all U.S. counties lacked an abortion provider in 2000. These counties were home to 34% of all 15?44-year-old women.  &lt;br&gt; 42% of providers offer very early abortions (before the first missed period) and 95% offer abortion at eight weeks from the last menstrual period. Sixty-four percent offer at least some second-trimester abortion services (13 weeks or later), and 23% offer abortion after 20 weeks. Only 11% of all abortion providers offer abortions at 24 weeks.  &lt;br&gt; In 2009, the average amount paid for a nonhospital abortion with local anesthesia at 10 weeks' gestation was $451.
* In September 2000, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved mifepristone to be marketed in the United States as an alternative to surgical abortion. &lt;br&gt; In 2008, 59% of abortion providers, or 1,066 facilities, provided one or more early medication abortions. At least 9% of providers offer only early medication abortion services. &lt;br&gt; Medication abortion accounted for 17% of all nonhospital abortions, and about one-quarter of abortions before nine weeks' gestation, in 2008.
* Abortion is one of the safest medical procedures, with minimal?less than 0.05%?risk of major complications that might not need hospital care. &lt;br&gt; Abortions performed in the first trimester pose virtually no long-term risk of such problems as infertility, ectopic pregnancy, spontaneous abortion (miscarriage) or birth defect, and little or no risk of preterm or low-birth-weight deliveries. &lt;br&gt; Exhaustive reviews by panels convened by the U.S. and British governments have concluded that there is no association between abortion and breast cancer. There is also no indication that abortion is a risk factor for other cancers. &lt;br&gt; In repeated studies since the early 1980s, leading experts have concluded that abortion does not pose a hazard to women's mental health. &lt;br&gt; The risk of death associated with abortion increases with the length of pregnancy, from one death for every one million abortions at or before eight weeks to one per 29,000 at 16-20 weeks-and one per 11,000 at 21 or more weeks. &lt;br&gt; 58% of abortion patients say they would have liked to have had their abortion earlier. Nearly 60% of women who experienced a delay in obtaining an abortion cite the time it took to make arrangements and raise money. &lt;br&gt; Teens are more likely than older women to delay having an abortion until after 15 weeks of pregnancy, when the medical risks associated with abortion are significantly higher.
* In the 1973 Roe v. Wade decision, the Supreme Court ruled that women, in consultation with their physician, have a constitutionally protected right to have an abortion in the early stages of pregnancy that is, before viability, free from government interference.  &lt;br&gt; In 1992, the Court upheld the right to abortion in Planned Parenthood v. Casey. However, the ruling significantly weakened the legal protections previously afforded women and physicians by giving states the right to enact restrictions that do not create an ?undue burden? for women seeking abortion.  &lt;br&gt; Thirty-five states currently enforce parental consent or notification laws for minors seeking an abortion. The Supreme Court ruled that minors must have an alternative to parental involvement, such as the ability to seek a court order authorizing the procedure. &lt;br&gt; Even without specific parental involvement laws, six in 10 minors who have an abortion report that at least one parent knew about it. &lt;br&gt; Congress has barred the use of federal Medicaid funds to pay for abortions, except when the woman's life would be endangered by a full-term pregnancy or in cases of rape or incest. &lt;br&gt; 17 states use public funds to pay for abortions for some poor women, but only four do so voluntarily; the rest do so under a court order.[18] About 20% of abortion patients report using Medicaid to pay for abortions[6] (virtually all in states where abortion services are paid for with state dollars). &lt;br&gt; In 2006, publicly funded family planning services helped women avoid 1.94 million unintended pregnancies, which would likely have resulted in about 860,000 unintended births and 810,000 abortions.

=== “Lessons from Before Roe: Will Past be Prologue?” (March 1, 2003) ===
[https://www.guttmacher.org/gpr/2003/03/lessons-roe-will-past-be-prologue “Lessons from Before Roe: Will Past be Prologue?”] The Guttmacher Policy Review, Vol. 6 Iss. 1, March 1, 2003. ===
* The Supreme Court did not &quot;invent&quot; legal abortion, much less abortion itself, when it handed down its historic Roe v. Wade decision in 1973. Abortion, both legal and illegal, had long been part of life in America. Indeed, the legal status of abortion has passed through several distinct phases in American history. Generally permitted at the nation's founding and for several decades thereafter, the procedure was made illegal under most circumstances in most states beginning in the mid-1800s. In the 1960s, states began reforming their strict antiabortion laws, so that when the Supreme Court made abortion legal nationwide, legal abortions were already available in 17 states under a range of circumstances beyond those necessary to save a woman's life.
* Estimates of the number of illegal abortions in the 1950s and 1960s ranged from 200,000 to 1.2 million per year. One analysis, extrapolating from data from North Carolina, concluded that an estimated 829,000 illegal or self-induced abortions occurred in 1967. &lt;br&gt;  One stark indication of the prevalence of illegal abortion was the death toll. In 1930, abortion was listed as the official cause of death for almost 2,700 women—nearly one-fifth (18%) of maternal deaths recorded in that year. The death toll had declined to just under 1,700 by 1940, and to just over 300 by 1950 (most likely because of the introduction of antibiotics in the 1940s, which permitted more effective treatment of the infections that frequently developed after illegal abortion). By 1965, the number of deaths due to illegal abortion had fallen to just under 200, but illegal abortion still accounted for 17% of all deaths attributed to pregnancy and childbirth that year. And these are just the number that were officially reported; the actual number was likely much higher. &lt;br&gt; Poor women and their families were disproportionately impacted. A study of low-income women in New York City in the 1960s found that almost one in 10 (8%) had ever attempted to terminate a pregnancy by illegal abortion; almost four in 10 (38%) said that a friend, relative or acquaintance had attempted to obtain an abortion. Of the low-income women in that study who said they had had an abortion, eight in 10 (77%) said that they had attempted a self-induced procedure, with only 2% saying that a physician had been involved in any way. &lt;br&gt; These women paid a steep price for illegal procedures. In 1962 alone, nearly 1,600 women were admitted to Harlem Hospital Center in New York City for incomplete abortions, which was one abortion-related hospital admission for every 42 deliveries at that hospital that year. In 1968, the University of Southern California Los Angeles County Medical Center, another large public facility serving primarily indigent patients, admitted 701 women with septic abortions, one admission for every 14 deliveries.
* A clear racial disparity is evident in the data of mortality because of illegal abortion: In New York City in the early 1960s, one in four childbirth-related deaths among white women was due to abortion; in comparison, abortion accounted for one in two childbirth-related deaths among nonwhite and Puerto Rican women. &lt;br&gt; Even in the early 1970s, when abortion was legal in some states, a legal abortion was simply out of reach for many. Minority women suffered the most: The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention estimates that in 1972 alone, 130,000 women obtained illegal or self-induced procedures, 39 of whom died. Furthermore, from 1972 to 1974, the mortality rate due to illegal abortion for nonwhite women was 12 times that for white women.
* Although legal abortions were largely unavailable until the years just before Roe, some women were always able to obtain the necessary approval for an abortion under the requirements of their state law. In most states, until just before 1973, this meant demonstrating that a woman's life would be endangered if she carried her pregnancy to term. In some states, especially between 1967 and 1973, a woman also could receive approval for an abortion if it were deemed necessary to protect her physical or mental health, or if the pregnancy had resulted from rape or incest. &lt;br&gt; Even so, the process to obtain approval for a legal abortion could be arduous. In many states, it involved securing the approval of a standing hospital committee established specifically to review abortion requests. Either as a matter of state law or hospital policy, these committees frequently required that additional physicians examine the woman to corroborate her own physician's finding that an abortion was necessary to protect her life or physical health. Likewise, a licensed psychiatrist might be required to second the judgment of a woman's doctor that an abortion was necessary on mental health grounds, or a law enforcement officer might be required to certify that the woman had reported being sexually assaulted. &lt;br&gt; Contemporaneous accounts noted that a woman's ability to navigate this process successfully generally required having a long-standing relationship with a physician. In practice, this meant that the option was only available to those who were able to pay for the review process, in addition to the procedure itself. One study of the 2,775 so-called therapeutic abortions at private, not-for-profit hospitals in New York City between 1951 and 1962 found that 88% were to patients of private physicians, rather than ward patients served by the hospital staff. The abortion to live-birth ratio for white women was five times that of nonwhite women, and 26 times that of Puerto Rican women.
* The year before the Supreme Court's decision in Roe v. Wade, just over 100,000 women left their own state to obtain a legal abortion in [[New York City]]. According to an analysis by The Alan Guttmacher Institute, an estimated 50,000 women traveled more than 500 miles to obtain a legal abortion in New York City; nearly 7,000 women traveled more than 1,000 miles, and some 250 traveled more than 2,000 miles, from places as far as Arizona, Idaho and Nevada. &lt;br&gt; Data from the New York City Department of Health confirm that this option, as difficult as it was, was really only available to the small proportion of women who were able to pay for the procedure plus the expense of travel and lodging. (Nonresidents were not eligible for either Medicaid-covered care in New York or care from the state's public hospitals.) While eight in 10 nonresidents obtaining abortions in the city between July 1971 and July 1972 were white, seven in 10 city residents who underwent the procedure during that time were nonwhite. &lt;br&gt; A serious consequence of having to travel long distances to obtain an abortion was the resulting delay in having the procedure performed, which could raise the risk of complications for the woman. No more than 10% of New York City residents who had an abortion in the city in 1972 did so after the 12th week of pregnancy; in contrast, 23% of women from nonneighboring states who had an abortion in New York City did so after the 12th week. &lt;br&gt; Moreover, a woman who traveled long distances to obtain an abortion not only had to undergo the rigors of travel shortly after a surgical procedure but also was precluded from continuity in her medical care if she needed follow-up services. By the time a complication occurred, an out-of-state woman might already be home, where she would be unable to receive care from the physician who performed the abortion and, perhaps, from any physician with significant abortion experience.
* Legal abortion has been part of American life for much of the nation's history. Under English common law, the cornerstone of American jurisprudence, abortions performed prior to &quot;quickening&quot; (the first perceptible fetal movement, which usually occurs after the fourth month of pregnancy) were not criminal offenses. With no state enacting specific legislation during nearly the first third of the nation's history, this traditional principle prevailed. The medical literature of the day, both popular and professional, included frequent references to methods of abortion. &lt;br&gt; In the mid-1800s, Massachusetts enacted the first state law making abortion or attempted abortion at any point in pregnancy a criminal offense. By the turn of the century, almost all states had followed suit. In the early 1960s, only Pennsylvania prohibited all abortions, but 44 other states only allowed abortion when the woman's life would be endangered if she carried the pregnancy to term. Alabama, Colorado, New Mexico, Massachusetts and the District of Columbia permitted abortion if the life or physical health of the woman was in jeopardy; Mississippi allowed abortions in case of life endangerment or rape. &lt;br&gt; Violating these laws could have serious legal consequences, not only for the provider but potentially for others as well. In nine states, the laws considered it a criminal offense to aid, assist, abet or counsel a woman in obtaining an illegal abortion. Fourteen states explicitly made obtaining an abortion, as well as performing one, a crime. Women were rarely convicted for having an abortion; instead, the threat of prosecution often was used to encourage them to testify against the provider.

=== &quot;Misinformed Consent: The Medical Accuracy of State-Developed Abortion Counseling Materials&quot; (October 23, 2006) ===
&lt;small&gt; [https://www.guttmacher.org/gpr/2006/10/misinformed-consent-medical-accuracy-state-developed-abortion-counseling-materials#t1 &quot;Misinformed Consent: The Medical Accuracy of State-Developed Abortion Counseling Materials&quot;]. (October 23, 2006). &lt;/small&gt;
* Informed consent—the concept that individuals have a right to receive relevant, accurate and unbiased information prior to receiving medical care so they can make sound decisions regarding treatment—is a bedrock principle of medical ethics. Moreover, the obligation to provide such information is mandated by statute or case law in all 50 states. Under the banner of informed consent, a majority of states have enacted abortion counseling laws requiring physicians to provide specified information to women seeking abortions. Many of these laws require the state health department to develop detailed written materials that must be distributed to women prior to the procedure. &lt;br&gt; An analysis of these state-developed materials demonstrates that they do not always measure up to the gold standard of informed consent. Particularly with regard to certain hot-button issues, the information presented is either out-of-date, biased or both. In some cases, the state goes so far as to include information that is patently inaccurate or incomplete, lending credence to the charge that states' abortion counseling mandates are sometimes intended less to inform women about the abortion procedure than to discourage them from seeking abortions altogether. 
* States have been enacting &quot;informed consent&quot; mandates specific to abortion for decades, and 32 states currently have mandates in effect. In general, they require providers to inform a woman of the nature of the procedure and the risks associated with it—as well as the risks of pregnancy and childbirth—and the &quot;probable gestational age&quot; of the fetus. In some cases, however, the statutes are biased on their face. In seven states, they mandate the provision of negative and unscientific information about abortion and its implications. In five other states, they require that the woman be told that the state favors childbirth over abortion.  &lt;br&gt; Whether biased or not, abortion rights activists have tended to oppose counseling mandates specific to abortion, which they consider egregious examples of political interference in the doctor-patient relationship. For its part, the American Medical Association has long opposed any legislative measure that would require &quot;procedure-specific&quot; informed consent. Nonetheless, the U.S. Supreme Court in 1992 ruled in favor of abortion-specific informed consent mandates in Planned Parenthood of Southeastern Pennsylvania v. Casey. In upholding Pennsyl-vania's law requiring preabortion counseling, the Court said such mandates are permissible as long as the information the law requires to be given to the woman is &quot;truthful and nonmisleading.&quot;  &lt;br&gt; Given the propensity for states to take advantage of that authority, the Guttmacher Institute undertook a content analysis of state-written counseling materials to better understand the information physicians are required to distribute to women seeking an abortion. In July 2006, we conducted a 50-state investigation to discover in which states the health department had developed materials; we found that 22 states had done so, all under the direction of their legislatures. (One additional state, Oklahoma, has a law requiring the health department to develop materials, but the department has yet to do so.) In most cases, the topics included in the materials were specifically required by law; in other cases, the topics had been selected at the discretion of the health department. &lt;br&gt; Our analysis reveals that although most of the information in the materials about abortion comports with recent scientific findings and the principles of informed consent, some content—specifically, that which is related to breast cancer, psychological impact, fetal pain and referrals for additional care—is either misleading or altogether incorrect. Also, the investigation demonstrates that in a few cases, health departments acted to mitigate the potential harm of biased laws by publishing materials that are somewhat more balanced than the laws themselves. For example, laws in nine states require that the materials include information on the &quot;possible detrimental psychological effects&quot; of abortion; however, in all but two of these states, the materials describe a range of emotions—both positive and negative—a woman could experience.
* In Casey, the Supreme Court ruled that it is within the boundaries of informed consent for abortion counseling laws to require additional information that could be useful to a woman should she decide to continue her pregnancy. Accordingly, materials in 20 states provide directories with contact information for resources that offer a range of support services, including adoption services, financial assistance, child care, health services and prenatal care. The referral information can be as brief as referring the woman to a toll-free hotline or as detailed as a list of organizations arranged by county or type of service provided. &lt;br&gt; In all 20 states, these directories include contact information for organizations commonly known as &quot;crisis pregnancy centers&quot; (CPCs). CPCs often bill themselves as organizations that provide comprehensive services and support to women with unplanned pregnancies, including abortion counseling, information on adoption, parenting classes, and baby clothes and equipment. According to a recent report released by Rep. Henry Waxman (D-CA), however, CPCs often provide false and misleading information to pregnant women about the health effects of abortion in hopes of dissuading them from seeking an abortion (see box). Furthermore, according to a June 2006 report by the National Abortion Federation (NAF), the extent to which CPCs &quot;provide real services to women is not as great as they often lead women to believe.&quot; Markedly, our analysis found that only two states, Georgia and Wisconsin, include a description of CPCs that clearly indicates that they may not provide comprehensive services and that they are antiabortion organizations. &lt;br&gt; Moreover, even though women considering abortion are, by definition, sexually experienced and at risk of experiencing a subsequent unplanned pregnancy, only 13 of the 20 states provide women with referral information for family planning services. Typically, these lists include contact information for local clinics where contraceptive devices and counseling can be obtained. 
* Our analysis of state abortion counseling laws and materials reveals that policymakers and public health officials frequently disregard the basic principles of informed consent in favor of furthering a highly politicized antiabortion goal. And, all signs point to their continued interest in doing so. Abortion-specific &quot;informed consent&quot; legislation was introduced in 27 states this year. In some cases, the bills would establish new counseling mandates in states without such a requirement; in others, the bills would amend current counseling requirements. For example, legislation in 12 states would amend current law to require that women be given information on fetal pain. A bill in one state seeks to add information, although discredited, on the link between abortion and breast cancer.  &lt;br&gt; This phenomenon, moreover, is not limited to state-level politics; it also plays a role on Capitol Hill. In 2004, the federal &quot;Unborn Child Pain Awareness Act&quot; was introduced in both the House and Senate by Rep. Chris Smith (R-NJ) and Sen. Sam Brownback (R-KS). Similar to measures passed on the state level, the legislation would require abortion providers to recite a congressionally scripted statement that Congress has determined &quot;an unborn child has the physical structures necessary to experience pain.&quot; The bill would also require providers to offer to administer anesthesia to the fetus. According to NAF, however, there is currently no established regimen for administering anesthesia to a fetus during an abortion procedure; NAF's position is that anesthesia should not be administered to a fetus outside of a clinical trial, because doing so poses a risk to the woman. &lt;br&gt; Maintaining the scientific integrity of abortion counseling information goes beyond politics—it is a matter of sound public health policy. Despite the fact that the Supreme Court upheld the legality of abortion-specific mandates and said that a state could express its preference for childbirth over abortion, the Court did not clear the way for the provision of medically inaccurate information that effectively could negate a woman's ability to make an informed decision regarding her own life and health. State and federal policymakers have an obligation to uphold the integrity of information related to the health effects of abortion when enacting these counseling laws, and state departments of health (as well as Congress, if it gets into the act) have an equal obligation when developing the materials. In the current political context, holding policymakers accountable to these informed-consent obligations may be an uphill battle, but it is no less urgent for being so.
* In July 2006, Rep. Henry Waxman (D-CA) released the results of an investigation examining the scientific accuracy of information provided by federally funded crisis pregnancy centers (CPCs), which have received over $30 million in federal funds under the Bush administration since 2001. (According to the report, most of these funds are not used for abortion counseling, but instead for abstinence-only education. However, CPCs receive additional federal funding for general “capacity building” activities.) The investigation was conducted by minority staff for the House Committee on Government Reform. Committee investigators called 25 centers that receive federal capacity-building grants, posing as pregnant 17-year-olds who were considering abortion and were seeking additional information on the procedure. The investigators reached a CPC staffer at 23 of the 25 centers.  &lt;br&gt; According to the report, an overwhelming majority of the centers—20 of the 23—provided “false or misleading information” on the physical and mental health risks of abortion to pregnant women. For example, eight centers told women that their chance of developing breast cancer will rise substantially if they have an abortion. One clinic in particular said there was a 50% greater chance that a woman will develop cancer after an abortion, whereas another said the likelihood could be as high as 80% greater.  &lt;br&gt; In addition, seven centers informed the caller that there is an increased risk of fertility problems after abortion. One center told the caller that having an abortion “could destroy your chances of ever having children again.” &lt;br&gt; Also, 13 of the 23 centers told callers that having an abortion would cause a host of detrimental mental health outcomes. One center, for instance, said that after an abortion, the risk of suicide “goes up by seven times.” Others asserted that women could suffer from a range of negative outcomes such as guilt, numbness, anxiety, drug use, eating disorders and sexual dysfunction.
* Alarmingly, this investigation also highlighted the fact that CPCs often mask their antiabortion agenda to attract pregnant women who are seeking medical advice and dissuade them from obtaining an abortion. Many centers act under the guise of organizations that provide pregnant women with a comprehensive set of options, including abortion services, even though CPCs neither provide abortions nor referrals for abortions. After pulling together the results of the investigation, the authors concluded, “A pregnant teenager who relied on the information from these federally funded centers would make her decision about whether to give birth or terminate her pregnancy based on erroneous facts and misinformation.” The report demonstrates the extent to which CPCs grossly distort the facts when it comes to discussing the risks associated with abortion—all in an effort to promote an antiabortion message.

=== &quot;Get &quot;In the Know&quot;: Questions About Pregnancy, Contraception and Abortion&quot;  ===
&lt;small&gt; Guttmacher.org [https://web.archive.org/web/20080311171704/http:/www.guttmacher.org/in-the-know/characteristics.html &quot;Get &quot;In the Know&quot;: Questions About Pregnancy, Contraception and Abortion&quot;]. Archived from the original on March 11, 2008. &lt;/small&gt; 
* What is the typical age of a woman having an abortion? &lt;br&gt; The majority of U.S. women having abortions (56%) are in their 20s.
* Do women who have an abortion want children? &lt;br&gt; Six in 10 U.S. women having abortions are already mothers. More than half intend to have (more) children in the future.
* Do women with religious affiliations have abortions? &lt;br&gt; Nearly eight in 10 U.S. women obtaining an abortion report a religious affiliation (43% are Protestant, 27% Catholic and 8% another religion). Among all women aged 15–44, 51% are Protestant, 28% are Catholic and 5% belong to other religions.
* Are there rural-urban differences in abortion? &lt;br&gt; Most reproductive-age women in the United States (79%) live in metropolitan areas; women in these areas account for 88% of all U.S. abortions. Most abortion providers (95%) are also located in metropolitan areas, increasing access to abortion there. 
* What is the racial or ethnic background of women who have abortions? &lt;br&gt; No racial or ethnic group makes up a majority of women having abortions: 41% are white, 32% are black and 20% are Hispanic. 
* What racial or ethnic group has the highest abortion rate? &lt;br&gt; The overall abortion rate is 21 per 1,000 U.S. women (i.e., each year 2.1% of all women of reproductive age have an abortion). Black and Hispanic women have higher abortion rates than non-Hispanic white women do. (The rates are 49 per 1,000 and 33 per 1,000 among black and Hispanic women, respectively, vs. 13 per 1,000 among non-Hispanic white women.)  Black and Hispanic women have higher abortion rates primarily because they have higher rates of unintended pregnancy.
* What are the trends in the characteristics of women having abortions? &lt;br&gt; Over time, women having abortions have become increasingly likely to be poor, nonwhite and unmarried, and to already have one or more children.
* Why do women have abortions? &lt;br&gt; Most U.S. women cite more than one factor contributing to their decision to have an abortion: Almost three-quarters say that having a baby would interfere with work, school or other responsibilities; about three-quarters say they cannot afford to have a child; and almost half say they do not want to be a single parent or are having problems with their husband or partner. 

=== &quot;Parental Involvement in Minors' Abortions&quot;  ===
&lt;small&gt; [https://www.guttmacher.org/state-policy/explore/parental-involvement-minors-abortions &quot;Parental Involvement in Minors' Abortions&quot;]. Guttmacher.org, March 14, 2016.  &lt;/small&gt;
* The majority of states require parental involvement in a minor’s decision to have an abortion. Most of these states require the consent or notification of only one parent, usually 24 or 48 hours before the procedure, but a handful of states require the involvement of both parents. Some states require the minor and a parent to provide government-issued identification to the abortion provider and/or as part of notarizing the parental consent form. In a small number of states, the parent must also provide proof of parenthood. Several states allow grandparents or other adult relatives to be involved in place of the minor’s parents, and many waive parental involvement requirements if there is a medical emergency or the young person is the victim of abuse or neglect. &lt;br&gt; Because the U.S. Supreme Court has ruled that states may not give parents an absolute veto over their child's decision to have an abortion, most state parental involvement requirements include a judicial bypass procedure that allows a minor to receive court approval for an abortion without their parents’ knowledge or consent. Some states require judges to use specific criteria when determining whether to grant a waiver of parental involvement. These criteria can include the young person's intelligence, emotional stability and understanding of the possible consequences of obtaining an abortion. Many states require a judge to use the unusually strict legal standard of “clear and convincing evidence” to determine whether a minor is sufficiently mature and the abortion is in their best interest prior to waiving the parental involvement requirement.
* 37 states require parental involvement in a minor’s decision to have an abortion. &lt;br&gt; 21 states require only parental consent; 3 of these require both parents’ consent. &lt;br&gt; 6 states require both parental notification and consent. &lt;br&gt; 10 states require only parental notification; 1 of these requires that both parents be notified. &lt;br&gt; 6 states permit a minor to obtain an abortion if a grandparent or other adult relative is involved in the decision. &lt;br&gt; 11 states require identification for parental consent. &lt;br&gt; 4 states require proof of parenthood for parental consent. &lt;br&gt; 2 states require a minor’s identification to have an abortion.
* 36 states that require parental involvement have an alternative process for minors seeking an abortion. &lt;br&gt; 36 states include a judicial bypass procedure, which allows a minor to obtain approval from a court. &lt;br&gt; 7 states require judges to use specific criteria, such as a minor’s intelligence or emotional stability, for deciding whether to waive parental involvement.  &lt;br&gt; 15 states require judges to use the “clear and convincing evidence” standard to determine whether the minor is mature and the abortion is in their best interest when deciding whether to waive parental involvement.
* Most states that require parental involvement make exceptions under certain circumstances. &lt;br&gt; 34 states permit a minor to obtain an abortion in a medical emergency. &lt;br&gt; 15 states permit a minor to obtain an abortion in cases of abuse, assault, incest or neglect.

=== “Is Abortion Legal in Every State?” (October 27, 2019) ===
&lt;small&gt; Tom Head, [https://www.thoughtco.com/is-abortion-legal-in-every-state-721094 “Is Abortion Legal in Every State?”], ''Thoughtco'', (October 27, 2019) &lt;/small&gt;
* Abortion is legal in every state and has been since 1973. In the subsequent decades, however, states have imposed restrictions on abortions. In 2018 and 2019, a number of them, including Georgia, Ohio, and Kentucky, introduced &quot;heartbeat&quot; bills to prevent women from terminating their pregnancies beyond the six-week mark. At this point, a fetal heartbeat can be detected, but heartbeat bills have faced criticism from reproductive rights activists who argue that many women don't know they're pregnant at this early stage, known as the embryonic period. As of October 2019, courts had blocked each of the heartbeat bills from passing on the grounds that these laws are unconstitutional. 
* The Supreme Court's 1973 ruling in Roe v. Wade established that the U.S. Constitution protects one's right to have an abortion. Due to this court decision, states are prohibited from banning abortions performed before the point of viability.  &lt;br&gt; The Roe decision originally established viability at 24 weeks; Casey v. Planned Parenthood (1992) shortened it to 22 weeks. This prohibits states from banning abortions before about five-and-a-quarter months of gestation. The heartbeat bills passed by various states sought to ban abortion well before the point of viability, which is why the courts declared them unconstitutional. 
* In the 2007 case Gonzales v. Carhart, the Supreme Court upheld the Partial-Birth Abortion Act of 2003. This law criminalizes the procedure of intact dilation and extraction, a technique commonly used during second-trimester abortions. 
* Although abortion is legal in every state, it is not easily accessible everywhere. Anti-abortion activists and legislators have managed to drive some abortion clinics out of business, a strategy that effectively functions as a state-level ban in places with few abortion providers. Mississippi is a case in point; in 2012, the state nearly lost its only abortion clinic due to a law requiring abortion providers to be &quot;certified obstetrician/gynecologists with privileges at local hospitals.&quot; At the time, just one doctor at Jackson Women's Health Organization had these privileges.  &lt;br&gt; Seven years after Mississippi's sole abortion clinic fought to stay open, the fate of Missouri's only such clinic hung in the balance because of a licensing dispute. In early 2019, Missouri's health department failed to renew the clinic’s license, arguing that the facility was out of compliance. Planned Parenthood opposed this decision, but the clinic's future remained uncertain and tied up in the courts, as of fall 2019. In addition to Missouri and Mississippi, four other states—Kentucky, West Virginia, North Dakota, and South Dakota—have just one abortion clinic. &lt;br&gt; The reasons several states have just one abortion clinic stems from Targeted Regulation of Abortion Providers (TRAP) laws. This legislation limits abortion clinics through complex and medically unnecessary building requirements or by requiring providers to have admitting privileges at local hospitals—the case in Mississippi in 2012. Other laws, specifically those that require ultrasounds, waiting periods, or pre-abortion counseling, pressure women to reconsider ending their pregnancies. 

=== &quot;Women's Health Policy Facts&quot;  ===
&lt;small&gt; [https://web.archive.org/web/20090225020023/http:/www.kff.org/womenshealth/upload/3269-02.pdf &quot;Women's Health Policy Facts&quot;] (PDF). The Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation. 2008. Archived from the original (PDF) on February 25, 2009. &lt;/small&gt;
* Approximately one-fifth (19%) of the 6.4 million pregnancies occurring annually in the U.S. end in induced abortion. While abortion is one of the most common medical procedures for women, access and availability of services has been subject to ethical and political debates. Federal and state policies have a substantial impact on women’s access to abortion services. 
** p.1

* In 2005, 1.21 million abortions were performed in the U.S., down from 1.61 million (the all-time high) in 1990.
** p.1

* 49% of pregnancies were unintended in the U.S., and of these, 42% resulted in abortions in 2001 (the most recent data available).
** p.1

* The abortion rate (the number of abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44) was 19.4 in 2005, a 9% drop since 2000.
**p.1

* 89% of abortions were performed in the first twelve weeks of pregnancy in 2004, with about 63% in the first eight weeks and 1% of abortions at 21 weeks or later.
** p.1

* About 19% of women having abortions in the U.S. are teens; 33% are between the ages of 20 and 24; and 48% are ages 25 and older.7 Two-thirds (67%) of women have never been married and about 61% of women have given birth before.
** p.1

* Abortion rates for black women (49 per 1,000 women), Hispanic women (33 per 1,000) and Asian women (31 per 1,000) are higher than those of white women (13 per 1,000).9
** p.1

* Abortion rates are higher among low-income women. The abortion rate for poor women has been increasing since 1994, so that the procedure is becoming increasingly concentrated among poor women, including those on Medicaid
** p.1

* Surgical abortions account for the majority (87%) of abortions performed in the U.S. The most common surgical methods include vacuum aspiration, dilation and curettage (D&amp;C), and dilation and evacuation (D&amp;E). Surgical abortion is generally not performed until the sixth week of gestation.
** p.1

* In 2005, medical abortions accounted for approximately 13% of all abortions (compared to 6% in 2001) and 22% of abortions before nine weeks’ gestation.
** p.1

* Since the 1990s, 31 states have enacted bans on procedures called “partial-birth” abortions, with 14 state laws (GA, IN, KS, LA, MS, MT, NM, ND, OH, OK, SC, SD, TN, UT) in effect. All include an exception to the ban: four states (GA, KS, NM, OH) include a health exception and the rest of the states include an exception only when a woman’s life is in danger.
** p.1

* In 2003, the President signed the Partial-Birth Abortion Ban Act of 2003, which banned “partial-birth” abortions with no health exception. This legislation was upheld by the Supreme Court in the April 2007 Gonzales v. Carhart decision. The procedure banned by this Act is sometimes medically defined as intact dilation and extraction. Following the high court ruling, state legislatures have been reviving their bans on late-term abortion procedures previously blocked by lower courts. 
** p.1

* Complications from abortions are rare, with less than 0.3% of abortion patients in the U.S. experiencing a major complication requiring hospitalization.16 The annual risk of death associated with abortion has been approximately one death per 100,000 legal abortions.
** p.1

* The cost of an abortion varies depending on factors such as location, facility, timing, and type of procedure. In 2005, a nonhospital abortion at 10 weeks’ gestation ranged from $90 to $1,800 (average: $430), whereas an abortion at 20 weeks’ gestation ranged from $350 to $4,520 (average: $1,260).24 Costs are higher for a medical abortion than a first-trimester surgical abortion. 
** p.1

• Based on these restrictions, 32 states and DC fund abortions through Medicaid only in the cases of rape, incest, or life endangerment. SD covers abortions only in the cases of life endangerment, which does not comply with federal requirements under the Hyde Amendment. IN, UT and WI have expanded coverage to women whose physical health is jeopardized, and IA, MS, UT and VA also include fetal abnormality cases.
** p.1

* Seventeen states (AK, AZ, CA, CT, HI, IL, MD, MA, MN, MT, NJ, NM, NY, OR, VT, WA, WV) use their own funds to cover all or most “medically necessary” abortions sought by low-income women under Medicaid.
** p.1

* Five states (ID, KY, MO, ND, OK) restrict insurance coverage of abortion services in private plans: OK limits coverage to life endangerment, rape or incest circumstances; and the other four states limit coverage to cases of life endangerment.
** p.2 

* Twelve states (CO, IL, KY, MA, MS, NE, ND, OH, PA, RI, SC, VA) restrict abortion coverage in insurance plans for public employees, with CO and KY restricting insurance coverage of abortion under any circumstances.
** p.2 

* U.S. laws also ban federal funding of abortions for Federal employees and their dependents, Native Americans covered by the Indian Health Service, military personnel and their dependents, and women with disabilities covered by Medicare.
** p.2 

* 1,787 facilities provided abortions in 2005 in the U.S., a 2% decline from the year 2000.
** p.2 

 * 87% of U.S. counties have no abortion provider, and 35% of women of reproductive age (15–44) live in these counties. Women in the Midwest and South are more likely to live in a county without a provider (50% and 47%, respectively) than women in the Northeast and West (17% and 15%, respectively).
** p.2 

* Over half of abortion providers (57%) performed early medical abortions in 2005, up from 33% in 2001. More than half of early medical abortions were provided at abortion clinics. 
** p.2 

• Most abortion providers performed abortions within the first eight weeks. 40% performed early abortion within first four weeks’ gestation, whereas 8% of abortion providers performed abortions at 24 weeks.
** p.2 

• In recent years, 28 states have adopted laws and regulations specific to abortion clinics and providers. These laws involve special requirements for abortion providers to have health facility licenses and ambulatory surgical center licenses, or requirements that abortions after a specified gestation age be performed in a hospital, or that providers have admitting privileges in local hospitals. These policies can make it more difficult for providers to offer abortion services to women.
** p.2 

* The Federal Freedom of Access to Clinic Entrances (FACE) Act was passed in 1994 to prohibit acts of physical or psychological intimidation to persons seeking or providing reproductive health services. Fifteen states (CA, CO, KS, ME, MD, MA, MI, MN, MT, NV, NY, NC, OR, WA, WI) and DC go beyond the FACE protections and prohibit certain specified actions aimed at abortion providers, such as threatening or intimidating staff, property damage and telephone harassment.
** p.2 

* Twenty-four states have passed requirements for women to wait a specified time (usually 24 hours) between receiving counseling and undergoing an abortion.36 As a result, women must make two visits to the clinic, which can be difficult for those who live far from the clinic. 8% of women travel more than 100 miles to access abortion services and 19% travel between 50 and 100 miles.
** p.2 

• Thirty-five states have adopted “parental involvement” laws that require notification and/or consent of one or both parents before a minor has an abortion.38 Most states with these laws apply them to girls under age 18, although several set the level to 16 or 17.
** p.2

=== “Management of unintended and abnormal pregnancy: comprehensive abortion care” (April 27, 2009) ===
&lt;small&gt; Stanley K. Henshaw, ”Unintended pregnancy and abortion in the USA: Epidemiology and public health impact” in Paul M, Lichtenberg ES Borgatta L Grimes DA Stubblefield P Creinin (eds) [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Management_of_Unintended_and_Abnormal_Pr/iK7xrRr2p9sC?hl=en&amp;gbpv=1&amp;printsec=frontcover “Management of unintended and abnormal pregnancy: comprehensive abortion care”]. (April 27, 2009) Oxford: Wiley-Blackwell. ISBN 978-1-4051-7696-5. &lt;/small&gt;
* About half of US women with unintended pregnancies choose to resolve them by abortion. In general these women believe that, given their life circumstances, taking responsibility for a new baby would be a mistake. The demographic characteristic most associated with the decision to terminate an unintended pregnancy is marital status: in 2001, 58% of unmarried women with unintended pregnancies decided on abortion, whereas only 27% of married women did so. Evidently the security of having a committed partner and the financial resources of a marriage allow most married women to continue their unplanned pregnancies.
* Women of all education levels have occasion to seek abortion services, but college graduates have a lower abortion rate than less-educated women. Some 41% of abortions are obtained by women with some post-high school education but who are not college graduates. &lt;br&gt; Never-married women obtain the bulk of abortions (67%); married women account for only 17%. The abortion rate is higher among never-married women (35 per 1,000) than among previously married or currently married women. The high rate among never –married women results partly form their young age compared with the other marital groups. &lt;br&gt; Women living with a partner to whom they are not married account for 25% of abortions but only about 10% of women in the population. Their abortion rate is almost two times that of other unmarried women. Thus, cohabitating is one of the strongest risk factors for abortion. &lt;br&gt; A majority (61%) of women having abortions in 2004 had had at least one birth, and one third had had two or more. When age is taken into account, women who have children are substantially more likely than women without children to have an abortion, and the highest abortion rate is found women with four or more children. Such women may have difficulty using contraception and thus may have unplanned children as well as abortions. 
* The high relative abortion rate of low-income women is reflected in the abortion rate according to Medicaid coverage. Twenty-four per cent of abortion patients say they are covered by Medicaid (although not necessarily for the abortion per se, except in the states that allow Medicaid to pay for abortion services), while only 9% of all US women of reproductive  age have Medicaid coverage (as of 2000). Thus, the abortion rate of women with Medicaid coverage is three times as high as that of other women. &lt;br&gt; Women covered by Medicaid have a number of attributes that may contribute to their relatively high risk of abortion:  they are disproportionately non-White, unmarried, and poor,  all characteristics associated with high abortion rates. In addition, many women on Medicaid are covered by that program because of a prior accidental pregnancy that they carried to term and are prone to unplanned pregnancy.
* More than half (62%) of all induced abortions in the USA occur at eight weeks’ gestation or earlier, counting from the first day of the last menstrual  period (LMP) or two weeks before the estimated date of conception. Approximately 12% o abortions are performed past 12 weeks LMP, including 1.4% past 20 weeks LMP. In most developed countries other than England and Wales, somewhat fewer abortions take place after 12 weeks LMP, probably because women respond more promptly to unwanted pregnancies and because restrictions in some countries make later abortions more difficult to obtain. Moreover, most other countries provide universal health insurance that covers abortion services. In contrast, women in the USA may be delayed by difficulty gaining access to abortion services and acquiring money to pay for the procedure.&lt;br&gt; In all countries with relevant statistics, teenagers obtain abortions later in gestation on average than do older women. In the USA in 2004, 27% of abortions obtained by women younger than age 15 years were past 12 weeks LMP as were 17% among women aged 15 to 19 years, compared with 11% among women aged 20 and older. Abortions generally occur earlier with age until age 40, after which a few women are delayed because they mistake pregnancy for the menstrual changes of menopause.&lt;br&gt; The delay among younger women probably reflects their inexperience in recognizing the symptoms of pregnancy, their reluctance to accept the reality of their situation, lack of knowledge of where to seek advice and services, and their hesitation to confide in adults. In addition, teenagers may have more difficulty paying for abortions, and minors may be affected by parental consent or notification requirements. In the USA laws requiring minors to either consult their parents or obtain a court order permitting the abortion cause some teenagers to experience delay in obtaining abortions. 
* Both first and second trimester abortions can be provided safely in clinics and physicians’ offices. The proportion of US abortions performed in hospitals has declined from more than 50% in 1973 to 5% in 2005. The number of hospitals where abortions are performed has dropped sharply, as has the average number of abortions per hospital provider. A tabulation of data on approximately 300,000 abortions in 14 states in 1992 indicates that, even after 20 weeks LMP, 83%  were performed outside of hospitals. Near universal agreement as to the safety of second trimester abortion outside of hospitals is further demonstrated by the finding that in 2001 about 55% of abortion clinics offered the service at 18 weeks LMP or later.
* Despite the large number of women who need abortion care, services are less available than for other common medical conditions. A significant but unknown number of women continue unwanted pregnancies because of lack of access to an abortion provider.
* Harassment by antiabortion activists adds to the difficulty women experience in accessing abortion services and the challenges of providing services. In 2000, 80% of large nonhospital facilities (400 or more abortions a year) in the USA experienced picketing. Picketing was much less common among low-volume providers, only 10% of providers that performed fewer than 30 abortions reported being picketed.  Other forms of harassment were also fairly common. Of large providers, 28% reported one or more incidents of picketing with physical contact or blocking of patients, and 18% reported vandalism. These activities impede access for women who might be intimidated by aggressive protestors. &lt;br&gt; The stigmatization of abortion also undoubtedly affects many women, although this factor is difficult to measure. Fear of the disapproval of relatives or others in the community may inhibit many women who would choose to end their pregnancies. Some women in the USA remain unaware that abortion services are legal and available.
* [T]he legalization of abortion in the USA, which began in several states in 1967 and culminated in the “Roe v. Wade” Supreme Court decision in 1973, brought significant health and social benefits. Before the laws changed, illegal abortions had been common. From a survey in North Carolina in 1967, researchers estimated that 829,000 abortions were occurring in the country as a whole, which is about 80% of the number of legal abortions that took place in 1975, when legal abortion services were available in all states. Other studies based on the change in the birthrate after legalization suggest that the number of illegal abortions was around 600,000 to 700,000 per year. Legalization converted those abortions to safe procedures and allowed additional women, some at high risk of complications of pregnancy and childbirth, to avoid unwanted childbearing. &lt;br&gt; Over the decade spanning 1958 through 1967, more than 3,4000 women died from induced abortions, almost all illegal. The number rose during the 1950s and reached at least 430 in 1961, then fell during the 1960s when more physicians started providing abortions. The number of deaths fell rapidly after abortion was legalized, form 251 in 1966 to 14 in 1976. In recent years, the number of deaths has ranged between 4 and 12 per year according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). During the five years from 2000 to 2004, only 43 deaths were related to legal abortion an two to illegal abortion, for a mortality rate of 0.7 per 100,000 legal abortions. &lt;br&gt; In the 10 years between 1970 and 1980, legal abortion in the USA is estimated to have prevented 1,500 pregnancy related deaths and thousands of other complications.
* Although contraceptive use increases after abortion, women remain at elevated risk of having another abortion because they are sexually active, willing to terminate an unintended pregnancy by abortion, have difficulty using contraceptive methods effectively, and probably become pregnancy more easily than other women. In 2004, 47% of US women obtaining abortions had had a prior induced abortion: 27% had had one, 12% two, and 8% three of more prior abortions. From 1973 until reaching a high of 49% in 1997, this percentage increased each year along with the proportion of women in the population who had had abortions and were therefore at risk of an additional abortion. In 1994, about 30% of all US women aged 15 to 44 years had had one or more induced abortions, and the abortion rate among the women who had had a previous abortion was about twice that of women who had ever had an abortion Canadian statistics show that approximately 25% of teenage abortion patients will have another abortion within the next four years. An analysis of the NFSG found that 42% of US women who had a repeat abortion did so within two years of the prior abortion.
* The high rate of repeat abortion does not mean that large numbers of women are relying on abortion as their primary means of birth control. A woman who used only abortion to limit her number of children to two would have more than 30 abortions during her lifetime. No evidence indicates that American women have such large numbers of abortions. &lt;br&gt; On the contrary, women tend to improve their contraceptive use after having an abortion. According to the 2001 Guttmacher Institute survey of 10,683 abortion patients, 46% of women having a first abortion had used no contraceptive method during the month they became pregnant. If they had continued to use o method, on the order of 85 to 90% of  second abortion would have occurred among women who had used no method because of the high pregnancy rate of non-users. In fact, the distribution of method use was similar to that of women having a first abortion, indicating that women who have an abortion improve their contraceptive use to about the same level as the women generally. The Guttmacher Institute analysis found little difference between first and subsequent abortions in the reasons for non-use or inconsistent use of contraception.&lt;br&gt; A number of studies have sought risk factors for repeat abortion but gew have been identified. The best predictors of repeat abortion are factors that reflect exposure to risk, most notably age; the older a woman is the more opportunity she has had to experience two unintended pregnancies that end in abortion. A logistic regression analysis of the Guttmacher patient survey found that women having second or higher order abortions are also more likely to have existing children, controlling for age and other demographic variables. An analysis of the NSFG in the same report found that almost half (47%) of women who have multiple abortions also have unintended births, another consequence of unintended pregnancy and therefore a risk factor for abortion. Other studies have found that women who have a second or higher order abortion engage in more frequent sexual intercourse than women having a first abortion.

=== “Abortion patients in 1994–1995: characteristics and contraceptive use” (1996) ===
&lt;small&gt; Henshaw SK and Kost K, [https://www.guttmacher.org/sites/default/files/pdfs/pubs/journals/2814096.pdf “Abortion patients in 1994–1995: characteristics and contraceptive use”], ''Family Planning Perspectives'', 1996, 28(4) &lt;/small&gt;
* Annual national data describing women having abortions in the United States cover only basic demographic characteristics—age, race, ethnicity, marital status, and prior births and abortions—as well as the procedure used for the abortion and the length of the pregnancy. This information is collected by most states, and it is compiled and published at the national and state levels by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). However, some states have no abortion reporting system, and the CDC reports understate the number of abortions performed. The Alan Guttmacher Institute (AGI) conducts periodic surveys of all abortion providers throughout the country and uses the results together with the CDC data to estimate the number of abortions nationwide and the abortion rate according to a variety of characteristics.
** p.140

* Although white women obtain 61% of abortions, their abortion rate, reflected by an index of 0.8, is well below that of women of other races. The index for black women is 2.2, or nearly triple that of white women, and the differential has increased since 1987. The index for women of races other than black or white is 1.6, but this may be inflated by the inclusion of some Hispanic women in this group (as explained in the methodology section). In the 1987 survey, which classified all Hispanic women as white or black, the age-standardized abortion rate for women of “other” races was only slightly above that of all women; the 1994—1995 index would be about the same as the 1987 rate if Hispanics were excluded from this group. &lt;br&gt; Hispanic women have a much higher abortion rate than non-Hispanics, but their rate is not as high as that of black women. The index for Hispanics is reduced some-what when standardized for age (from 1.9 to 1.8), but is still roughly twice that of non-Hispanic women (0.9). The age-standardized index for Hispanics has increased substantially from its 1987 level of 1.4.
** p.143

* As expected, a large majority (89%) of women having abortions live in counties classified by the federal government as metropolitan, and metropolitan women are twice as likely as nonmetropolitan women to have abortions (indices of 1.1 and 0.6, respectively). The comparatively low abortion index of nonmetropolitan women may reflect their difficulty in gaining access to abortion services, which are unavailable in the counties where 85% of nonmetropolitan women reside. The limited availability of abortion facilities is indicated by the finding that 43% of the patients surveyed traveled outside their home county for abortion services (not shown). In 1987, by contrast, 39% of abortions took place outside the woman’s county of residence.
** p.144

* The patterns of contraceptive use among abortion patients may or may not mirror the use patterns of all women at risk of unintended pregnancy. Each contraceptive method entails a different probability of becoming pregnant, and women’s method choice often differs by their socioeconomic and demographic characteristics. Consequently, users of each method may differ in their likelihood of carrying an unexpected pregnancy to term or of having an abortion. For example, women who use only periodic abstinence may, for religious or other reasons, be more likely than users of other methods to carry an unexpected pregnancy to term.
** p.144

* Poverty status is strongly associated with contraceptive use; 64% of the women whose family income is at least twice the federal poverty level were using a method, compared with 49% of those with an income under the poverty level. Of the racial and ethnic groups, white non-Hispanic women are the most likely to have been using a method (67%), while Hispanic women are the least likely (45%).
** p.145

* Among the women who experienced contraceptive failure, the methods used differ little among the racial or ethnic groups. The largest differences are that black women are more likely than nonblack and Hispanic women to have used the condom and less likely to have used withdrawal. Age differences are marked: Whereas 76% of women younger than 18 had used condoms, only 49% of women 30 or older had used this method. Pill use peaked (at 25%) among women aged 20—29, while use of “other” methods (mainly the diaphragm, sponge, spermicides and periodic abstinence) increased sharply with age, from 1% of women younger than 18 to 24% of those 30 and older. Possibly because age is correlated with income, the proportion who used other methods also increased as family income as a proportion of the poverty level rose. Otherwise, there is little association of method used with poverty status.
** p.146

* Between 1987 and 1994—1995, condom use among abortion patients who were using a method when they became pregnant increased dramatically among all women, regardless of race, ethnicity, age or poverty status; the increase was greatest among black and Hispanic women. In the same time period, pill use declined among abortion patients who had a contraceptive failure. This decline occurred primarily among blacks and Hispanics, but substantial decreases also took place among women of all ages except those 30 and older, and among those of all income levels except the highest.
** p.146

* The risk of unintended pregnancy leading to abortion varies widely among demographic subgroups. The factors associated with high risk are relatively young age (18—24), being separated or divorced, cohabiting while unmarried, being Hispanic or of a minority race, having a low income, being covered by Medicaid and having had four or more births. Factors that are associated with low abortion rates include being a born-again or Evangelical Christian, being aged 35 or older, having high income, living in a nonmetropolitan county, being married and identifying with a religion other than Catholicism.
** p.147

* To further lower the abortion rate, the focus should continue to be on reducing the number of couples who use no contraceptive method at all. Most of those who were not using a method had used one in the past and conceived within a very short period after discontinuing use. Thus, it is very important for couples to avoid lapses in method use and to immediately adopt another method when they discontinue one. &lt;br&gt; Next in importance would be to improve the effectiveness with which condoms are used, since one-third of abortion patients experienced the failure of this method. Because most of these failures probably resulted from inconsistent use, the need for protection at every act of intercourse should be stressed.
** p.147

=== &quot;The Accessibility of Abortion Services in the United States&quot; (1991) ===
&lt;small&gt; Henshaw, S.K. (1991). &quot;The Accessibility of Abortion Services in the United States&quot; (PDF). ''Family Planning Perspectives''. 23 (6): 246–63. [https://web.archive.org/web/20160324041912/http:/www.guttmacher.org/pubs/journals/3501603.pdf Archived] (PDF) from the original on 24 March 2016. Retrieved 25 October 2017. &lt;/small&gt;
* METHODS: In 2001–2002, The Alan Guttmacher Institute surveyed all known abortion providers in the United States, collecting information on their delivery of abortion services and on the number of abortions performed. &lt;br&gt; RESULTS: A minority of abortion providers offer services before five weeks from the last menstrual period (37%) or after 20 weeks (24% or fewer), but the proportions have increased since 1993. Providers estimate that one-quarter of women having abortions in nonhospital facilities travel 50 miles or more for services, and that 7% are initially unsure of their abortion decision. The majority of providers (59%) say that these clients usually receive abortions during a single visit. An average self-paying client was charged $372 for a surgical abortion at 10 weeks in 2001, up from $319 in 1997; only 26% of clients receive services billed directly to public or private insurance. Early medical abortions are becoming increasingly available but are more expensive than surgical abortions. More than half (56%) of providers experienced antiabortion harassment in 2000, but types of harassment other than picketing have declined since 1996.
** p.16

* Unintended pregnancies and induced abortions are common and occur among women of all social and economic groups. Yet the availability and accessibility of abortion services have long been a concern for reproductive health professionals, as women seeking an abortion have a fairly narrow time period during which they can obtain the procedure. Measures of availability have generally declined since 1982: The number of abortion providers in the United States has fallen by 37%, and the proportion of women who live in counties with no abortion provider has increased from 28% to 34%.2 In 2000, 86 of the country’s 276 metropolitan areas and almost all nonmetropolitan areas had no abortion provider. &lt;br&gt; Accessibility is harder to measure than availability, because of the variety of possible barriers, both tangible and intangible. Besides distance from a provider, cost is the most obvious tangible barrier. The provision of specific services, such as second-trimester pregnancy termination, can determine accessibility for individual women. Among the barriers that are less tangible, and therefore more difficult to quantify, are women’s lack of accurate information about the legality of abortion and about where and how to obtain abortion care, misinformation about abortion, intimidation by protesters, state-required waiting periods and mandated counseling topics that may not be relevant to a woman’s personal situation, and antiabortion attitudes among family or friends.
** p.16

* Providers typically set a minimum and maximum gestation at which they are willing and able to perform an abortion. These limits are expressed as the number of weeks since the woman’s last menstrual period (LMP). Thirty-seven percent of facilities that offer abortion services provide either surgical or medical abortions at four weeks or less LMP (Figure 1), often for any pregnancy that can be confirmed by ultrasound or even a pregnancy test. This represents a sharp increase from the level of 7% reported in 1993 (not shown). Eighty-two percent of abortion facilities perform abortions at six weeks LMP. Abortion clinics are more likely than other types of facilities to offer abortions at five and six weeks LMP. &lt;br&gt; More than 90% of all abortion providers offer services at 8–10 weeks LMP. However, the proportion drops with each additional week of gestation after eight weeks LMP (typically four weeks after the woman’s first missed period) and declines steeply after 12 weeks. At 20 weeks, for example, only 33% of all providers offer abortion services, and at 21 weeks, 24% still do so. &lt;br&gt; Hospitals and abortion clinics are much more likely than other providers to offer services past 12 weeks. At 13–15 weeks LMP, a higher proportion of abortion clinics than of hospitals perform abortions, while at 17–23 weeks LMP, the reverse is true. (Many hospitals, however, provide very few abortions and do so only in extraordinary circumstances, such as when the fetus has an abnormality or the pregnancy poses severe health risks to the woman.) After 24 weeks LMP, the number of providers offering abortion services again drops off sharply. Only 2% of all abortion providers (approximately 11 hospitals and 19 abortion clinics) provide abortions at 26 weeks.
** p.18

* Respondents estimated that 8% of women having abortions in nonhospital facilities travel more than 100 miles to obtain this service, and that an additional 16% travel 50–100 miles.* Travel patterns appear to have changed little over time. In both 1993 and 1997, providers also reported that 24% of clients traveled at least 50 miles, including 8% and 7%, respectively, who traveled more than 100 miles. &lt;br&gt; The proportion traveling long distances varies by geographic region. In the East South Central and the West North Central states, 43% and 37%, respectively, of women travel at least 50 miles to obtain an abortion, including 14–15% who travel more than 100 miles. In contrast, only 11% of women in the Middle Atlantic states travel 50 miles or more.
** p.18

* Fifty-nine percent of nonhospital providers nationally and 60% of providers in states that do not require in-person advance counseling said that their clients usually obtain abortions in a single visit, while 15% and 14%, respectively, said that this never happens. Single-visit service is highly associated with caseload: All facilities that provided 5,000 or more abortions in 2000 usually perform abortions in a single visit, compared with only 20% of facilities providing fewer than 30 abortions (not shown).
** p.19

* We asked each nonhospital provider to indicate the usual charges that a woman would incur at that location for an abortion (with local anesthesia) at various gestations, including fees for any services always required for an abortion client, even if these are not billed through the provider (e.g., laboratory tests). On average, surveyed facilities charge $468 for a surgical abortion at 10 weeks LMP (Table 1). The lowest average charge ($364) is reported by specialized abortion clinics, and the highest average charge ($632) is reported by physicians’ offices.
** p.19

* As a pregnancy advances into the second trimester, the abortion procedure becomes more complex, because it requires more time and more skill on the part of the clinician, and charges increase. At 16 weeks, the mean and median charges ($774 and $650, respectively) are more than half again the amounts at 10 weeks (Table 1). At 20 weeks, the mean and median charges increase to $1,179 and $1,042, respectively. In the second trimester, charges vary relatively little by type of provider, but the range remains wide, with some providers charging 2–5 times the average.
** p.19

* One-third of abortion facilities provided early medical abortions in the first half of 2001, and this proportion was increasing rapidly. An estimated 37,000 early medical abortions occurred in this time period; 35,000 of them were provided by nonhospital facilities. One-quarter of early medical abortions in nonhospital facilities were performed using methotrexate, which was available before the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved mifepristone in September 2000. However, 82% of medical abortion providers were using mifepristone—although some of these used methotrexate as well. Both drugs are used in conjunction with misoprostol, a prostaglandin that is administered with- in several days of the mifepristone or methotrexate to cause contractions and expel the products of conception. &lt;br&gt;  The FDA-approved labeling specifies a fairly restrictive protocol for abortion using mifepristone: use within the first seven weeks of gestation; a mifepristone dose of 600 mg; misoprostol administered orally in the physician’s office; and a follow-up visit to the provider for an examination to confirm that the pregnancy has been completely terminated. However, experts who have reviewed published studies have concluded that more convenient and less-expensive procedures are equally safe and effective.
** p.20

* The great majority of providers of early medical abortion used a dose of 200 mg of mifepristone (83%), and most permitted the client to take the misoprostol at home rather than requiring her to return to the abortion facility to receive it (84%). Both practices were more common among providers that did 50 or more medical abortions than among less-experienced providers. &lt;br&gt; Most providers (74%) reported that counseling for medical abortion takes more time than does counseling for surgical abortion. A large minority (43%) said that fewer than 10% of early medical abortion clients called with questions or problems, but one-third reported that 20% or more did so. Calls from one-fifth or more of clients were less common among the more experienced providers.
** p.21

* Many women seeking abortion face harassment by anti-abortion protesters; this also affects a facility’s ability to offer services. Each year, 56% of all nonhospital providers experience at least one of five types of harassment—picketing; picketing coupled with physical contact with or blocking of clients; vandalism (such as jamming of locks or other physical damage); picketing of the homes of staff; and bomb threats. Harassment is much more common in facilities with large abortion caseloads than in smaller facilities: The proportion experiencing one or more incidents ranges from 10% among facilities performing fewer than 30 abortions to 70% among those providing 400–990 abortions and to 100% of clinics providing 5,000 or more.
** p.22

* Picketing is by far the most common type of antiabortion activity, reported by 80% of large providers. Some 14–28% of large providers experience more extreme forms of harassment. A majority (61%) of facilities experience picketing at least 20 times a year. Other types of harassment usually occur fewer than five times per year at any one facility. &lt;br&gt; Since 1996, all of these forms of harassment except picketing have become less common. The proportions of large providers reporting picketing with physical contact, vandalism and picketing of staff members’ homes have fallen by about half since 1992, when these activities were at their height. The proportion of large providers reporting bomb threats has fallen steadily, from 48% in 1985 to 15% in 2000.
** p.22

* For many women, barriers to abortion services are significantly more common than are obstacles to other common types of reproductive health care. For example, only 13% of U.S. counties have an abortion provider, while obstetric-gynecologic care is available in half of all counties. In 1997, 85% of counties had at least one publicly funded family planning clinic. Depending on the circumstances of any given woman needing abortion services, she may have to cope with gestational limits, a long distance from a provider (the effects of which may be exacerbated if she needs to make two trips or is undecided about whether to have an abortion), travel and other expenses that may not be covered by insurance, a lack of choice of method of early medical abortion and antiabortion protesters. These are the potential barriers for which we have information; other factors, including restrictive legislation and attitudes, may also pose important problems for some women. &lt;br&gt; Gestational limits reduce the number of abortion providers available to specific women. Women frequently encounter such barriers when they seek an abortion during the second trimester. Many providers offer services only up to 12 or 14 weeks, because later abortions require more cervical dilation and greater skill on the clinician’s part, the risk of complications is greater than with earlier abortions and the demand is less. When a fetal anomaly is discovered late in the second trimester, the woman may find that facilities where the pregnancy can be terminated are difficult to locate and are far from her home. Nonetheless, the number of facilities where second-trimester abortions are performed has increased in recent years. &lt;br&gt; A woman who discovers an unintended pregnancy at less than six weeks LMP may find that an abortion provider she contacts will not provide services then, but will ask her to wait until six weeks or later. Studies in the 1970s found a higher rate of continuing pregnancies after very early procedures. Recent research has shown, however, that with high-resolution ultrasound and careful examination of the products of conception, early surgical abortions can be performed without an elevated risk of ectopic pregnancy or incomplete abortion, and that an increasing number of providers perform such early abortions. In addition, providers of surgical abortion increasingly are offering early medical abortion.
** p.22

* Providers estimate that 8% of women who have abortions travel more than 100 miles to do so, a proportion that has not changed in recent years. Women who are able to over-come the barrier of distance may nevertheless suffer con- sequences. In a survey conducted in 1987–1988, half of a national sample of women who were having an abortion at 16 weeks LMP or later cited difficulty in making arrangements as a cause of delay.
** p.23

* Another factor affecting access is the fee that clients pay, which averages $372 at 10 weeks. This is a minimum figure, because many clients have additional expenses, such as for other services (intravenous sedation or general anesthesia), transportation, time lost from work and increased costs if the pregnancy is at a later gestation. Nonhospital providers directly bill Medicaid or other insurance for only 26% of their abortion clients, and for only 8% in states where Medicaid does not cover abortion. Whether because of Medicaid funding restrictions, a lack of insurance coverage, women’s hesitancy to use insurance coverage for abortion or providers’ inability to bill directly, most women pay directly for their abortion care. &lt;br&gt; While the cost of an abortion may seem moderate to some, many low-income women are likely to find it substantial. Between 18% and 35% of Medicaid-eligible women who would have abortions instead continue their pregnancies if public funding is unavailable.26 The lack of Medicaid coverage may be the public policy that has the greatest impact on the number of women who want an abortion but are not able to obtain one. In addition, a woman’s need to secure funds often causes abortions to be delayed; one study found that 22% of Medicaid-eligible women who had a second-trimester abortion would have terminated their pregnancy in the first trimester if Medicaid had covered abortion services.
** p.23

* A majority of providers charge more for medical abortion than for surgical abortion at six weeks. This may reflect the cost of the drug, the greater amount of counseling time required for medical abortion than for surgical abortion, the number of calls from clients with problems or questions, and the greater perceived need for active follow-up of medical abortion clients, to ensure that the abortion was completed without complications. As providers gain experience with early medical abortion, however, these services may become more routine, and the additional expenses for medical abortion could fall.
** p.23

* Picketing remains prevalent at abortion facilities, especially at those with large caseloads. Other types of harassment have declined over time but have not disappeared. This decrease may reflect the impact that federal legislation to protect access to medical facilities has had in deterring illegal antiabortion activity, as well as the fact that by September 2000, 15 states had laws protecting access to clinics that provide reproductive health services. Nevertheless, a majority of clinics reported being picketed at least 20 times a year, and many women seeking abortion are exposed to the stress of noisy and sometimes threatening protesters.
** p.23

=== &quot;When Abortion Became Illegal&quot; (2019) ===
&lt;small&gt; Jacobson, Donna (2019). [https://scholarlypublishingcollective.org/uip/chr/article/58/2/49/268948/When-Abortion-Became-Illegal-The-Degraded-Reverend &quot;When Abortion Became Illegal&quot;]. Connecticut History Review. 58 (2): 49–81. &lt;/small&gt;
* Abortion was rarely prosecuted in the early nineteenth century. As historian Cornelia Dayton discussed in her study, “Taking the Trade: Abortion and Gender Relations in an Eighteenth-Century New England Village,” abortions did not go to trial unless extreme circumstances required judicial intervention. Ammi Rogers’s trial became an exception in the early nineteenth century due to his conviction of inducing an abortion following “quickening.” Connecticut state Statutes did not contain a penal code that referenced abortion after quickening; rather it had Acts related to bastardry and infanticide. Therefore Rogers was convicted in part for an undefined crime. Retroactively, the Connecticut General Assembly remedied this lack of legislation during their May 1821 session. &lt;br&gt; Since its enactment, the interpretation of the 1821 law has been extensively examined. Yet the rogers trial and indictment has only been implicated in the law through various editions of his autobiography instead of the court and legislative arhical records. Historian James Mohr in his study, “Abortion in America: The Origins and Evolution of National Policy 1800-1900”, contended the Connecticut law paralleled an 1803 English statute, Lord Elenborough’s Act. Mohr’s analysis of the Connecticut anti-abortion law is only partially persuasive. In fact Lord Ellenborough’s Act criminalized abortion during all periods of the pregnancy while the Connecticut law only criminalized abortions after the quickening. Most importantly, Mohr did not account for the impact of the Rogers trial on the Connnecticut General Assembly in drafting the 1821 abortion legislation.
** pp.51-52

* Marvin Olasky’s work “Abortion Rites: A Social History of Abortion Rites in America” specifically referenced the Rogers trial  in his analysis of the 1821 Connecticut anti-abortion law. Olasky disagreed with Mohr’s interpretation of a connection between Connecticut’s law and Lord Ellenborough’s Act. He argued Mohr “missed a crucial  contributing cause of the Connecticut law, one that hit much closer to home for the state Legislature than any a parliament three thousand miles away had done eighteen years prior.” Even though Olasky’s thesis regarding the connection of the trial and legislation is correct, he overlooked key elements in the voluminous primary documents related to the Rogers conviction necessary for a thorough analysis of the relationship between trial and legislation. The Connecticut law was merely a small topic in Olasky’s overall study.
** p.52

* Swift has written one of the earliest and most prominent discourses on American law. Published in 1795, ''A System of the Laws of the State of Connecticut'', is considered the first legal text that differentiated English and American Common law. Swift emphasized the importance of law not based on inference. Rather, he believed all laws “are always to be construed strictly, for the benefit of the subject.. Nothing more is to be deduced from the words, than what they expressly warrant, and they are not to be extended by implication.” Swift carefully constructed, “Administering Poison with Intent to Murder, or Cause Miscarriage” in the Crimes and Punishment Act to be strictly interpreted as written; to criminalize inducing an abortion following the quickening and not as a separate poison control measure for apothecaries. &lt;br&gt; Swift’s judicial record  on induced miscarriages is unclear prior to the 1821 legislation. Therefore, one must consider Swift’s treatise, “A System of the Laws of the State of Connecticut” as a direct extension of his ideology. In the treatise, Swift discussed the murder of a fetus cannot be treated as a murder, for the person ‘’must be actually in existence’’ [emphasis added]. This statement was consistent with the then accepted doctrine that a fetus was not viable until birth. We wrote, “to kill a child in its mother’s womb, is not murder, but a great misdemeanor’’ [emphasis added], but if the child be born alive, and then die by reason of injury it suffered in the womb, it will be murder in hum who caused it.” Therefore, induced abortion wasn’t classified as murder. An individual became culpable o murder if the fetus didn’t abort, was alive after birth, but consequentially died from injuries suffered during the attempted abortion.
** p.72-73

* Swift’s interpretation of abortion in “A System of Laws” reflected William Blackstone’s earlier treatise, “Commentaries on the Laws of England.” Blackstone explicitly cited that life began “as soon as tan infant is able to stir in the mother’s womb” and added if a woman “quick with child,” is poisoned, this “’’did not constitute murder but a heinous misdemeanor” [emphasis added]. The difference between Swift and Blackstone is the reference to poison by Blackstone. He wrote his judicial interpretation approximately thirty-fuve “years” prior to the 1803 Lord Ellenborough’s Act. Therefore, Swift, a renowned legal expect, had ample opportunities prior to 1821 to suggest the incorporation of either Lord Ellenborough’s Act of Blackstone’s “Commentaries’ to the Connecticut Legislature.”
**p.73

=== “Mississippi Voters Reject Personhood Amendment By Wide Margin” (November 8, 2011) ===
&lt;small&gt; Frank James, [https://www.npr.org/sections/itsallpolitics/2011/11/08/142159280/mississippi-voters-reject-personhood-amendment “Mississippi Voters Reject Personhood Amendment By Wide Margin”], NPR, November 8, 2011. &lt;/small&gt;
* In the end it wasn't even close. The Mississippi &quot;personhood&quot; amendment on Tuesday's ballot which would have legally defined human life as beginning at the moment of fertilization failed and by a very wide margin. &lt;br&gt; Mississippi voters soundly rejected the constitutional amendment, with 58 percent voting &quot;no&quot; and only 41 percent voting &quot;yes.&quot;
* Considered one of the nation's most conservative states Mississippi, many observers thought, would give the personhood amendment perhaps its best chance for passage anywhere in the U.S. &lt;br&gt; Initially, it looked like the gamble might pay off, with support for the initiative running so strong that passage at one point was virtually taken as a given. &lt;br&gt; But opponents of the proposed personhood amendment waged an aggressive counter campaign that raised all kinds of troubling prospects should the amendment become law. &lt;br&gt; For instance, they warned that the amendment raised the possibility that miscarriages would need to be investigated. Besides abortion, some birth control methods would become illegal, they said. &lt;br&gt; What's more, the personhood amendment threatened to criminalize doctors who provide in vitro fertilization services because many embryos are never successfully implanted but instead eventually destroyed.
* As NPR's Julie Rovner reported for a Wednesday Morning Edition piece, supporters of so-called personhood amendments have now lost in Colorado as well as Mississippi. &lt;br&gt; JULIE: Voters in Colorado had twice rejected similar amendments to declare that life begins legally at fertilization, in 2008 and 2010... &lt;br&gt;... Felicia Brown Williams is outreach director for Mississippians for Healthy Families, the group that successfully fought the amendment. She said from her group's victory party last night that there was no single reason voters turned against the measure. &lt;br&gt; BROWN WILLIAMS: It was just a matter of making sure that the voters were informed; and when they were they came to our side.

=== &quot;Lubbock votes to become largest city in U.S. to ban abortion&quot;  (May 1, 2021) ===
&lt;small&gt; Samantha Jarpe, [https://www.everythinglubbock.com/news/local-news/lubbock-votes-to-become-largest-city-in-u-s-to-ban-abortion/ &quot;Lubbock votes to become largest city in U.S. to ban abortion&quot;]. “Everything Lubbock”, (Posted May 1, 2021/ Updated May 2, 2021). &lt;/small&gt; 
* Including Lubbock, 24 cities in Texas and two cities in Nebraska passed similar ordinances, according to pro-life activist and Right to Life East Texas Director Mark Lee Dickson. Before Lubbock, the largest city to pass a similar ordinance was Big Spring with an estimated population of 28,187 people. &lt;br&gt; However, Lubbock is the only town with an active abortion clinic to pass the ordinance. Planned Parenthood opened a clinic in the city in October 2020 and began offering abortions April 15.
* The ordinance declares abortion in city limits “at all times and at all stages of pregnancy” an act of murder. &lt;br&gt; However, under the ordinance, an act doesn’t qualify as an abortion if it is done to save the life of the mother, remove a fetus whose death was the result of a miscarriage or remove an ectopic pregnancy.
* After early voting results came in, the American Civil Liberties Union of Texas issued a statement and said it would continue to “fight to protect” the rights of Lubbock residents. &lt;br&gt; “The ACLU has a long history of challenging unconstitutional abortion bans and will continue to fight to protect the fundamental rights of the people of Lubbock,” Drucilla Tigner, Policy &amp; Advocacy Strategist at the ACLU of Texas, said. &lt;br&gt; In the statement, a spokesperson for Planned Parenthood of Greater Texas said the Lubbock clinic would remain open and would follow legal restrictions as required.
* The push to make Lubbock a “Sanctuary City for the Unborn” began after Planned Parenthood announced in August it would open a clinic in the city sometime in late 2020. The nonprofit previously had a Lubbock clinic until it closed in 2013. &lt;br&gt; A month later, State Senator Charles Perry held a news conference at a Lubbock church and said he was working to get an ordinance passed that would make conducting abortions in the city punishable by a fine of $2,000. &lt;br&gt; Perry said the ordinance, which was drafted by Dickson, would also create standing for family members of an aborted fetus to sue abortion providers for civil damages.
* On October 14, the city released a statement and said the proposed ordinance was contrary to Texas law. On the same day, the city also announced that a petition to consider the ordinance had been submitted to the council. &lt;br&gt; The petition had enough verified signatures to force a vote by city council on whether to adopt or reject the ordinance. A meeting was held November 17 and the council voted 7-0 to reject the proposed ordinance. &lt;br&gt; After the vote, the committee behind the petition filed a request to put the ordinance to a vote and in December 2020, the city council approved a May 1, 2021 election date. According to estimates, the special election cost the city between $160,000 and $200,000 to hold.
* In early 2020, the ACLU filed a lawsuit against seven Texas towns that passed similar ordinances outlawing abortion. The focus of the lawsuit, which was filed on behalf of two pro-choice groups in the state – was solely on the ordinances’ designation of organizations assisting women in getting abortions as “criminal organizations.” &lt;br&gt; The ACLU later dropped the lawsuit after several cities amended their original ordinances to remove language declaring specific organizations as “criminal,” while still preserving a ban on abortion.

=== &quot;Abortion Surveillance — United States, 2016&quot; (November 29, 2019) ===
&lt;small&gt; Jatlaoui, TC; Eckhaus, L; Mandel, MG; Nguyen, A; Oduyebo, T; Petersen, Emily; Whiteman, MK (November 29, 2019). [https://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/volumes/68/ss/ss6811a1.htm?s_cid=ss6811a1_w &quot;Abortion Surveillance — United States, 2016&quot;]. MMWR. Surveillance Summaries. 68 (11): 1–41. doi:10.15585/mmwr.ss6811a1. ISSN 1546-0738. PMID 31774741. &lt;/small&gt;
* Results: A total of 623,471 abortions for 2016 were reported to CDC from 48 reporting areas. Among these 48 reporting areas, the abortion rate for 2016 was 11.6 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years, and the abortion ratio was 186 abortions per 1,000 live births. From 2015 to 2016, the total number of reported abortions decreased 2% (from 636,902), the abortion rate decreased 2% (from 11.8 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years), and the abortion ratio decreased 1% (from 188 abortions per 1,000 live births). From 2007 to 2016, the total number of reported abortions decreased 24% (from 825,240), the abortion rate decreased 26% (from 15.6 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years), and the abortion ratio decreased 18% (from 226 abortions per 1,000 live births). In 2016, all three measures reached their lowest level for the entire period of analysis (2007–2016).
* In 2016 and throughout the period of analysis, women in their 20s accounted for the majority of abortions and had the highest abortion rates. In 2016, women aged 20–24 and 25–29 years accounted for 30.0% and 28.5% of all reported abortions, respectively, and had abortion rates of 19.1 and 17.8 abortions per 1,000 women aged 20–24 and 25–29 years, respectively. By contrast, women aged 30–34, 35–39, and ≥40 years accounted for 18.0%, 10.3%, and 3.5% of all reported abortions, respectively, and had abortion rates of 11.6, 6.9, and 2.5 abortions per 1,000 women aged 30–34, 35–39, and ≥40 years, respectively. From 2007 to 2016, the abortion rate decreased among women in all age groups. &lt;br&gt; In 2016, adolescents aged &lt;15 and 15–19 years accounted for 0.3% and 9.4% of all reported abortions, respectively, and had abortion rates of 0.4 and 6.2 abortions per 1,000 adolescents aged &lt;15 and 15–19 years, respectively. From 2007 to 2016, the percentage of abortions accounted for by adolescents aged 15–19 years decreased 43%, and the abortion rate decreased 56%. This decrease in abortion rate was greater than the decreases for women in any older age group. &lt;br&gt; (In contrast to the percentage distribution of abortions and abortion rates by age, abortion ratios in 2016 and throughout the entire period of analysis were highest among adolescents and lowest among women aged 25–39 years. Abortion ratios decreased from 2007 to 2016 for women in all age groups. &lt;br&gt; In 2016, almost two-thirds (65.5%) of abortions were performed at ≤8 weeks’ gestation, and nearly all (91.0%) were performed at ≤13 weeks’ gestation. Fewer abortions were performed between 14 and 20 weeks’ gestation (7.7%) or at ≥21 weeks’ gestation (1.2%). During 2007–2016, the percentage of abortions performed at &gt;13 weeks’ gestation remained consistently low (8.2%–9.0%). Among abortions performed at ≤13 weeks’ gestation, the percentage distributions of abortions by gestational age were highest among those performed at ≤6 weeks’ gestation (35.0%–38.4%).
* In 2016, 27.9% of all abortions were performed by early medical abortion (a nonsurgical abortion at ≤8 weeks’ gestation), 59.9% were performed by surgical abortion at ≤13 weeks’ gestation, 8.8% were performed by surgical abortion at &gt;13 weeks’ gestation, and 3.4% were performed by medical abortion at &gt;8 weeks’ gestation; all other methods were uncommon (0.1%). Among those that were eligible for early medical abortion on the basis of gestational age (i.e., performed at ≤8 weeks’ gestation), 41.9% were completed by this method.
* In 2016, women with one or more previous live births accounted for 59.0% of abortions, and women with no previous live births accounted for 41.0%. Women with one or more previous induced abortions accounted for 40.7% of abortions, and women with no previous abortions accounted for 59.4%.
* In 2015, the most recent year for which data were reviewed for abortion-related deaths, two women were identified to have died as a result of complications from legal induced abortion and for one additional death, it was unknown whether the abortion was induced or spontaneous.
* Since 1969, CDC has conducted abortion surveillance to document the number and characteristics of women obtaining legal induced abortions in the United States. After nationwide legalization of abortion in 1973, the total number, rate (number of abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years), and ratio (number of abortions per 1,000 live births) of reported abortions increased rapidly, reaching the highest levels in the 1980s before decreasing at a slow yet steady pace. During 2006–2008, a break occurred in the previously sustained pattern of decrease, although this break has been followed in subsequent years by even greater decreases. Nonetheless, throughout the years, the incidence of abortion has varied considerably across subpopulations and remains higher in certain demographic groups than others. Continued surveillance is needed to monitor changes in the incidence of abortion in the United States.
* Among the 48 reporting areas that provided data for 2016, a total of 623,471 abortions were reported. All 48 of these areas provided data every year during 2007–2016.§§ In 2016, these areas had an abortion rate of 11.6 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years and an abortion ratio of 186 abortions per 1,000 live births. From 2015 to 2016, the total number of reported abortions decreased 2% (from 636,902 to 623,471), the abortion rate decreased 2% (from 11.8 to 11.6 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years), and the abortion ratio decreased 1% (from 188 to 186 abortions per 1,000 live births). From 2007 to 2016, the total number of reported abortions decreased 24% (from 825,240), the abortion rate decreased 26% (from 15.6 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years), and the abortion ratio decreased 18% (from 226 abortions per 1,000 live births). Among these same 48 areas, the annual rate of decrease fitted from the regression analysis was greater during 2007–2011 than during 2012–2016 for abortion number and rate, whereas the annual rate of decrease was greater during 2012–2016 than during 2007–2011 for abortion ratio. During 2007–2011, the number of reported abortions decreased by 25,563 abortions per year, the abortion rate decreased by 0.50 abortions per 1,000 women per year, and the abortion ratio decreased by 2.2 abortions per 1,000 live births per year. During 2012–2016, the number of reported abortions decreased by 17,120 abortions per year, the abortion rate decreased by 0.36 abortions per 1,000 women per year, and the abortion ratio decreased by 5.4 abortions per 1,000 live births per year.
* Abortion numbers, rates, and ratios for 2016 have been calculated by reporting area of occurrence and the residence of the women who obtained the abortions. By reporting area of occurrence, a considerable range existed in the abortion rate (from 3.0 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years in South Dakota to 21.8 abortions per 1,000 women in New York [city and state combined]) and the abortion ratio (from 38 abortions per 1,000 live births in South Dakota to 373 abortions per 1,000 live births in New York [city and state combined]). Similarly, a considerable range existed in the abortion rate by residence (from 4.2 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years in South Dakota to 20.7 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years in New York [city and state combined]) and the abortion ratio (from 54 abortions per 1,000 live births in South Dakota to 354 abortions per 1,000 live births in New York [city and state combined]). Because of variation that occurred among reporting areas in the percentage of abortions obtained by out-of-state residents (from 0.6% in Alaska and Arizona to 49.8% in Kansas), abortion rates and ratios calculated by maternal residence might provide a more accurate reflection of the state-specific distribution of women obtaining abortions. However, because states vary in the level of detail they collect on maternal residence, 12.4% of abortions were reported to CDC with unknown information on maternal residence.
* Among the 46 areas that reported by maternal age for 2016, women in their 20s accounted for the majority (58.5%) of abortions and had the highest abortion rates (19.1 and 17.8 abortions per 1,000 women aged 20–24 and 25–29 years, respectively). Women in the youngest (&lt;15 years) and oldest (≥40 years) age groups accounted for the smallest percentages of abortions (0.3% and 3.5%, respectively) and had the lowest abortion rates (0.4 and 2.5 abortions per 1,000 women aged &lt;15 and ≥40 years, respectively). Among the 44 reporting areas that provided data by maternal age every year during 2007–2016, this pattern across age groups was stable, with the majority of abortions and the highest abortion rates occurring among women aged 20–29 years and the lowest percentages of abortions and abortion rates occurring among women in the youngest and oldest age groups. From 2007 to 2016, abortion rates decreased among all age groups, although the decreases for adolescents (67% and 56% for adolescents aged &lt;15 and 15–19 years, respectively) were greater than the decreases for women in all older age groups. Decreases for women aged ≥20 years ranged from 4% among women aged ≥40 years to 35% among women aged 20–24 years. Decreases in the abortion rate for all age groups, except women aged 25–29 years and 30–34 years, were greater from 2012 to 2016 than from 2007 to 2011, and the rates for all age groups either did not change or decreased from 2015 to 2016. &lt;br&gt; In contrast to the percentage of abortions and abortion rates, abortion ratios in 2016 were lowest among women aged 25–39 years. Among the 44 reporting areas that provided data by maternal age for every year during 2007–2016, abortion ratios decreased among women in all age groups. The abortion ratio decreased for all age groups from 2012 to 2016; however, from 2015 to 2016, abortion ratios only decreased for women aged ≥30 years.
* Among the 43 areas that reported maternal age by individual year among adolescents for 2016, adolescents aged 18–19 years accounted for the majority (67.8%) of adolescent abortions and had the highest adolescent abortion rates (9.1 and 12.4 abortions per 1,000 adolescents aged 18 and 19 years, respectively). Adolescents aged &lt;15 years accounted for the smallest percentage of adolescent abortions (2.6%) and had the lowest adolescent abortion rate (0.4 abortions per 1,000 adolescents aged 13–14 years). Among the 39 reporting areas that provided maternal age by individual year data for adolescents annually during 2007–2016, the percentage of abortions accounted for by adolescents aged 18 and 19 years increased, whereas the percentage of abortions accounted for by adolescents aged &lt;18 years decreased. For adolescents of all ages, decreases in abortion rates ≥50% occurred from 2007 to 2016, and were generally greater from 2012 to 2016 than from 2007 to 2011. Decreases occurred among all adolescents from 2015 to 2016. &lt;br&gt; In 2016, the abortion ratio for adolescents was highest among adolescents aged &lt;15 years (694 abortions per 1,000 live births) and was lowest among adolescents aged ≥17 years (292, 295, and 249 abortions per 1,000 live births among adolescents aged 17, 18, and 19 years, respectively). During 2007–2016, abortion ratios decreased among adolescents of all ages.
* Among the 41 areas that reported gestational age at the time of abortion for 2016, approximately two thirds (65.5%) of abortions were performed at ≤8 weeks’ gestation, and nearly all (91.0%) were performed at ≤13 weeks’ gestation. Fewer abortions were performed at 14–20 weeks’ gestation (7.7%) or at ≥21 weeks’ gestation (1.2%). Among the 33 reporting areas that provided data on gestational age every year during 2007–2016, the percentage of abortions performed at ≤13 weeks’ gestation decreased minimally from 91.5% to 90.9%. However, within this gestational age range, a shift occurred toward earlier gestational ages, with the percentage of abortions performed at ≤8 weeks’ gestation increasing 3% and the percentage of abortions performed at 9–13 weeks’ gestation decreasing 8%. For the entire period of analysis, abortions performed at &gt;13 weeks’ gestation accounted for ≤9.0% of abortions. &lt;br&gt; Among abortions performed at ≤13 weeks’ gestation and reported by individual week of gestation for 2016, 37.8% were performed at ≤6 weeks’ gestation. The percentage contribution to abortions performed at ≤13 weeks’ gestation was progressively smaller for each additional week of gestation: 19.4% were performed at 7 weeks’ gestation, and 3.0% were performed at 13 weeks’ gestation. Among the 33 areas that reported by exact week of gestation for abortions performed at ≤13 weeks’ gestation every year during 2007–2016, the highest percentage contributions were reported for abortions performed at ≤6 weeks’ gestation (35.0%–38.4%), and smaller percentages for each additional week of gestation were reported, with approximately 3.0% of abortions performed at 13 weeks’ gestation across the 10-year period.
* Among the 43 areas that reported by method type for 2016 and included medical abortion on their reporting form, 59.9% of abortions were surgical abortions at ≤13 weeks’ gestation, 27.9% were early medical abortions (a nonsurgical abortion at ≤8 weeks’ gestation), 8.8% were surgical abortions at &gt;13 weeks’ gestation, and 3.4% were medical abortions at &gt;8 weeks’ gestation; other methods (intrauterine instillation and hysterectomy/hysterotomy) were uncommon (&lt;0.1%). Among the 33 reporting areas that included medical abortion on their reporting form and provided these data for the relevant years of comparison (2007 versus 2016, 2007 versus 2011, 2012 versus 2016, and 2015 versus 2016), use of early medical abortion increased 14% from 2015 to 2016 (from 24.5% of abortions to 27.9%); from 2007 to 2016, use of early medical abortion increased 113% (from 13.1% of abortions to 27.9%). Increases in early medical abortion occurred both from 2007 to 2011 (from 13.1% of abortions to 19.7% [50% increase]) and from 2012 to 2016 (from 21.3% of abortions to 27.9% [31% increase]).
* Among the 30 reporting areas that provided data by procedure and individual week of gestational age each year from 2011 to 2016, during which time several clinical guidelines and an FDA labeling change extended mifepristone use to 70 days’ gestation, the percentage of abortions at 9 completed weeks’ gestation that were reported as medical abortions increased. Although the percentage of abortions at 9 weeks’ gestation reported as medical abortions did not change substantially between 2011, 2012, 2013, and 2014 (5.0%, 5.7%, 6.7%, and 7.7%, respectively), this percentage increased to 13.0% in 2015 and 24.0% in 2016. Among the 43 areas that reported by method type for 2016 and included medical abortion on their reporting form, 30.2% were medical abortions performed at ≤9 weeks’ gestation. Among these same reporting areas that reported medical abortions by individual week of gestational age, 92.5% of the medical abortions performed at ≤9 weeks’ gestation were performed at ≤8 weeks, and the remaining 7.5% were performed at 9 weeks.
* As a corollary to the increase that occurred in use of early medical abortion at ≤8 weeks’ gestation, use of surgical abortion at ≤13 weeks’ gestation decreased 23% from 2007 to 2016 (from 78.1% of abortions to 59.8%). Surgical abortion at &gt;13 weeks’ gestation consistently accounted for approximately 8.0%–8.8% of all abortions, and all other methods combined consistently accounted for a limited percentage of abortions (1.1%–3.4%) during 2007–2016.
* Among the 32 areas that reported cross-classified race/ethnicity data for 2016, non-Hispanic white women and non-Hispanic black women accounted for the largest percentages of all abortions (35.0% and 38.0%, respectively), and Hispanic women and non-Hispanic women in the other race category accounted for smaller percentages (18.8% and 8.2%, respectively). Non-Hispanic white women had the lowest abortion rate (6.6 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years) and ratio (109 abortions per 1,000 live births), and non-Hispanic black women had the highest abortion rate (25.1 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years) and ratio (401 abortions per 1,000 live births). Data for 2016 also are reported separately by race and by ethnicity.
* Among the 19 areas that reported these data for the relevant years of comparison (2007 versus 2016, 2007 versus 2011, 2012 versus 2016, and 2015 versus 2016), abortion rates decreased substantially for the three largest race/ethnicity groups: for non-Hispanic white women, the abortion rate decreased 33% (from 9.4 abortions per 1,000 women in 2007 to 6.3 in 2016); for non-Hispanic black women, the rate decreased 29% (from 36.7 abortions per 1,000 women in 2007 to 26.2 in 2016); and for Hispanic women, the rate decreased 44% (from 21.2 abortions per 1,000 women in 2007 to 11.8 in 2016). For women in the three largest race/ethnicity groups, abortion rates decreased both from 2007 to 2011 and from 2012 to 2016, although the decreases were greater during the later period. From 2007 to 2011, the abortion rates decreased 15% for non-Hispanic white women (from 9.4 to 8.0 abortions per 1,000), 11% for non-Hispanic black women (from 36.7 to 32.5 abortions per 1,000), and 18% for Hispanic women (from 21.2 to 17.3 abortions per 1,000); by contrast, from 2012 to 2016, the abortion rates decreased 18% for non-Hispanic white women (from 7.7 to 6.3 abortions per 1,000), 13% for non-Hispanic black women (from 30.2 to 26.2 abortions per 1,000), and 24% for Hispanic women (from 15.6 to 11.8 abortions per 1,000).
* Abortion ratios also decreased from 2007 to 2016 for the three largest race/ethnicity groups: for non-Hispanic white women, the abortion ratio decreased 29% (from 146 abortions per 1,000 live births in 2007 to 103 in 2016); for non-Hispanic black women, the ratio decreased 20% (from 517 abortions per 1,000 live births in 2007 to 416 in 2016); and for Hispanic women, the ratio decreased 26% (from 210 abortions per 1,000 live births in 2007 to 155 in 2016). From 2007 to 2011, abortion ratios decreased among non-Hispanic white women (10% from 146 abortion per 1,000 live births in 2007 to 131 in 2011) and non-Hispanic black women (3% from 517 abortions per 1,000 live births in 2007 to 504 in 2011), whereas abortion ratios increased among Hispanic women (2% from 210 abortion per 1,000 live births in 2007 to 214 in 2011). By contrast, from 2012 to 2016, abortion ratios decreased among all women in the three largest race/ethnicity groups. The abortion ratio decreased 18% for non-Hispanic white women (from 125 to 103 abortions per 1,000 live births), 11% for non-Hispanic black women (from 470 to 416 abortions per 1,000 live births), and 22% for Hispanic women (from 198 to 155 abortions per 1,000 live births).
* Among the 42 areas that reported by marital status for 2016, 14.1% of all women who obtained an abortion were married, and 85.9% were unmarried. The abortion ratio was 41 abortions per 1,000 live births for married women and 380 abortions per 1,000 live births for unmarried women. Among the 29 reporting areas that provided these data for the relevant years of comparison (2007 versus 2016, 2007 versus 2011, 2012 versus 2016, and 2015 versus 2016), the percentage of abortions among unmarried women increased 3% from 2007 to 2016 (from 83.5% to 86.0%), with a larger increase from 2007 to 2011 (3%) than from 2012 to 2016 (&lt;1%). Among unmarried women, the abortion ratio decreased 16% from 2007 to 2016 (from 390 to 326 abortions per 1,000 live births), with a larger decrease also occurring from 2012 to 2016 (10%) than from 2007 to 2011 (3%). Among married women, the abortion ratio decreased 31% from 2007 to 2016 (from 49 to 34 abortions per 1,000 live births), with similar decreases occurring from 2012 to 2016 (13%) and from 2007 to 2011 (14%).
* Data from the 42 areas that reported the number of previous live births for women who obtained abortions in 2016 indicate that 41.0%, 45.1%, and 13.9% of these women had zero, one or two, or three or more previous live births, respectively (Table 16. Among the 35 reporting areas that provided these data for the relevant years of comparison (2007 versus 2016, 2007 versus 2011, 2012 versus 2016, and 2015 versus 2016), the percentage of women obtaining abortions with no previous live births or with one to two previous live births each decreased 2% from 2007 to 2016; by contrast, the percentage increased 16% for women with three or more previous live births over the same time period. &lt;br&gt; Data from the 41 areas that reported the number of previous abortions for women who obtained abortions in 2016 indicate that the majority (59.4%) had no previous abortions, 34.4% had one or two previous abortions, and 6.3% had three or more previous abortions. Among the 34 reporting areas   that provided data for the relevant years of comparison (2007 versus 2016, 2007 versus 2011, 2012 versus 2016, and 2015 versus 2016), the percentage of women who had no previous abortions increased 3% (from 57.4% to 59.1%), whereas a 4% decrease occurred among women who had one or two previous abortions, and a 4% decrease occurred among women who had three or more previous abortions from 2007 to 2016. However, the percentage of women who had no previous abortions decreased 1% from 2007 to 2011 (from 57.4% to 56.8%) and then increased 3% from 2012 to 2016 (from 57.6% to 59.1%). By contrast, the percentage of women who had three or more previous abortions increased 4% from 2007 to 2011 (from 6.8% to 7.1%) then decreased 6% from 2012 to 2016 (from 6.9% to 6.5%). The percentage of women who had one or two previous abortions increased 1% from 2007 to 2011 (35.8% to 36.1%) and then decreased 3% from 2012 to 2016 (from 35.5% to 34.5%).
* In select reporting areas, abortions that were categorized by maternal race and race/ethnicity were further categorized by maternal age and by marital status. A consistent pattern existed for abortions by maternal age across all race/ethnicity groups, with the smallest percentage of abortions occurring among adolescents aged &lt;15 years (0.2%–0.3%) and the largest percentage occurring among women aged 20–24 years (25.6%–31.1%) and 25–29 years (26.6%–30.2%). A consistent pattern also existed for abortions by marital status across all race/ethnicity groups, with a higher percentage of abortions occurring among women who were unmarried (68.1%–92.1%) than among those who were married (7.9%–31.9%) (Table 19). For abortions among married women, the percentage was higher for non-Hispanic women in the other race group (31.9%) than for non-Hispanic white women (16.8%), Hispanic women (15.3%), and non-Hispanic black women (7.9%). For abortions among unmarried women, the percentage was higher for non-Hispanic black women (92.1%) than for non-Hispanic white women (83.2%), Hispanic women (84.7%), and women in the non-Hispanic other race group (68.1%).
* In select reporting areas, abortions that were categorized by weeks of gestation were further categorized by maternal age, and race/ethnicity. In every subgroup for these three characteristics, the largest percentage of abortions occurred at ≤8 weeks’ gestation. However, by maternal age, 42.8% of adolescents aged &lt;15 years and 56.8% of adolescents aged 15–19 years obtained an abortion by ≤8 weeks’ gestation, compared with 63.7%–71.0% of women in older age groups. Conversely, 23.7% of adolescents aged &lt;15 years and 12.4% of adolescents aged 15–19 years obtained an abortion after 13 weeks’ gestation, compared with 8.1%–9.1% for women in older age groups. By race/ethnicity, 59.8% of non-Hispanic black women obtained an abortion at ≤8 weeks’ gestation, compared with 67.5%–69.4% of women from other race/ethnicity groups. Differences in abortions after 13 weeks’ gestation across race/ethnicity groups were minimal (10.3% for non-Hispanic black women, compared with 8.2%–9.1% for women in the remaining race/ethnicity groups).
* Among abortions categorized by weeks of gestation and method type, surgical abortion accounted for the largest percentage of abortions within every gestational age category. At ≤8 weeks’ gestation, surgical abortion accounted for a smaller percentage of abortions (58.1%) than at any other stage of gestation; at 9–20 weeks’ gestation, surgical abortion accounted for 89.6%–98.8% of all abortions, and at ≥21 weeks’ gestation, it accounted for 92.7% of abortions. By contrast, at ≤8 weeks’ gestation, medical abortion accounted for 41.9% of abortions then decreased to 10.4% at 9–13 weeks and 1.0%–2.6% at 14–20 weeks before increasing to 6.5% at ≥21 weeks. For each gestational age category, abortions performed by intrauterine instillation or hysterectomy/hysterotomy were rare (&lt;0.1%–0.5% of abortions).
* Using national PMSS data, CDC identified three abortion-related deaths for 2015, the most recent year for which data were reviewed for abortion-related deaths. Investigation of these cases indicated that two deaths were related to legal abortion, no deaths were related to illegal abortion, and for one death, whether the abortion was induced or spontaneous was unknown. &lt;br&gt; The annual number of deaths related to legal induced abortion has fluctuated from year to year over the past 40 years. Because of this variability and the relatively limited number of legal induced abortion-related deaths every year, national legal abortion case-fatality rates were calculated for consecutive 5-year periods during 1973–2007 and for a consecutive 8-year period. The national legal induced abortion case-fatality rate for 2008–2015 was 0.58 legal induced abortion-related deaths per 100,000 reported legal abortions. This case-fatality rate was similar to the rate for most of the preceding 5-year periods but lower than the case-fatality rate of 2.09 legal induced abortion-related deaths per 100,000 reported legal abortions for the 5-year period (1973–1977) immediately following nationwide legalization of abortion in 1973.
* For 2016, a total of 623,471 abortions were reported to CDC by 48 areas. Among these areas, the abortion rate was 11.6 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years and the abortion ratio was 186 abortions per 1,000 live births. All 48 of these reporting areas submitted data every year during the period of analysis from 2007 to 2016, thus providing the information necessary for evaluating trends. Among these areas, the number and rate of reported abortions decreased 2%, and the abortion ratio decreased 1% from 2015 to 2016, which, in combination with decreases that occurred during previous years (11–15), resulted in the lowest values for all three measures for the entire period of analysis. Among areas that reported by age every year of the analysis, women in their 20s accounted for the majority of abortions and had the highest abortion rates, whereas decreases in the abortion rate were greater for adolescents aged &lt;20 years than for any other age group. In addition, throughout the period of analysis, ≤9% of abortions each year were performed after 13 weeks’ gestation; approximately two thirds of abortions were performed at ≤8 weeks’ gestation, and this percentage increased from 63.7% in 2007 to 65.3% in 2016. Among areas that included medical abortion on their reporting form every year, the percentage of all abortions performed by early medical abortion (a nonsurgical abortion at ≤8 weeks’ gestation) increased from 13.1% in 2007 to 27.9% in 2016.
* These findings underscore important maternal age differences in abortion trends. Because of the high rate and proportion of abortions that occurred among women in their 20s, women in this age group have contributed substantially to overall changes. Conversely, during 2007–2016, women aged ≥40 years had consistently low abortion rates and accounted for a limited percentage of abortions (≤3.7%); therefore, they have had a much smaller contribution to overall abortion trends. Nonetheless, among women aged ≥40 years, the abortion ratio continues to be higher than among women aged 25–39 years, indicating that unintended pregnancy is a problem that women encounter throughout their reproductive years. &lt;br&gt; The adolescent abortion trends described in this report are important for monitoring progress that has been made toward reducing adolescent pregnancies in the United States. National birth data indicate the birth rate for adolescents aged 15–19 years in 2016 decreased 51% since 2007, compared with a 43% decrease in the abortion rate for adolescents aged 15–19 years during the same period. These findings indicate that decreases in adolescent pregnancies in the United States have been accompanied by large decreases both in adolescent births and abortions and that the pattern of decline is continuing.
* The findings in this report indicate that although the number, rate, and ratio of reported abortions have decreased across all race/ethnicity groups, well-documented disparities exist. In this report, abortion rates and ratios remained 1.8 and 1.4 times higher, respectively, for Hispanic women than for non-Hispanic white women, and 3.8 and 3.7 times higher, respectively, for non-Hispanic black women than for non-Hispanic white women. The comparatively high abortion rates and ratios among non-Hispanic black women have been attributed to higher unintended pregnancy rates and a greater percentage of unintended pregnancies ending in abortion.
* The findings in this report indicate the majority of women obtaining abortions do so early in gestation (≤8 weeks), when the risks for complications are lowest. Among the areas that reported gestational age data every year during 2007–2016, the percentage of abortions performed at ≤8 weeks’ gestation increased 3%. Moreover, among the areas that reported abortions at ≤13 weeks’ gestation by individual week, the distribution continued to shift toward earlier weeks of gestation, with the percentage of early abortions performed at ≤6 weeks’ gestation increasing 8% from 2007 to 2016. Nonetheless, the overall percentage of abortions performed at ≤13 weeks’ gestation did not change appreciably from 2007–2016. Reports indicate that abortions at later gestational ages are more common among certain groups of women; among women in this report, the percentage of adolescents aged ≤19 years who obtained abortions at ≤8 weeks’ gestation was smaller than the percentage of women in other age groups who obtained abortions at the same gestational age. Because procedures performed at earlier gestational ages have a lower risk for complications, a better understanding of factors that influence the gestational age at which abortions are performed is needed. 
* The trend of obtaining abortions earlier in pregnancy has been facilitated by changes in abortion practices. Research conducted in the United States during the 1970s indicated that surgical abortion procedures performed at ≤6 weeks’ gestation, compared with 7–12 weeks’ gestation, were less likely to result in successful termination of the pregnancy. However, subsequent advances in technology (e.g., improved transvaginal ultrasonography and sensitive pregnancy tests) have allowed very early surgical abortions to be performed with completion rates exceeding 97%. Likewise, the development of early medical abortion regimens has allowed for abortions to be performed very early in gestation, with completion rates for regimens that combine mifepristone and misoprostol reaching 96%–98% . In 2016, 65.5% of all reported abortions were performed at ≤8 completed weeks’ gestation; thus, the women receiving these abortions were eligible for early medical abortion (a nonsurgical abortion at ≤8 weeks’ gestation) on the basis of gestational age. Among those abortions performed at ≤8 weeks’ gestation in 2016, 41.9% were reported as medical abortions. From 2007 to 2016, the proportion of all abortions reported as early medical abortion increased from 13.1% to 27.9%, respectively. Moreover, in addition to abortions meeting the definition of early medical abortion, the percentage of abortions at 9 completed weeks’ gestation that were reported as medical abortions has increased in recent years (from 5.0%–13.0% during 2011–2015 to 24.0% in 2016). On the basis of evidence that early medical abortion is safe and effective beyond 63 days’ gestation, professional clinical practice guidelines were updated midyear in 2013 and 2014 to extend the gestational age eligibility for early medical abortion from 63 to 70 days (≤9 completed weeks). In early 2016, FDA updated its approval for use of mifepristone for early medical abortions, extending the gestational age limit to 70 days.
* Because the annual number of deaths related to legal induced abortion is small and statistically unstable, case-fatality rates were calculated for consecutive 5-year periods during 1973–2007 and for a consecutive 8-year period during 2008–2015. The national legal induced abortion case-fatality rate for 2008–2015 was fewer than 1 per 100,000 abortions, as it was for all of the preceding 5-year periods since the late 1970s.
* Approximately 18% of all pregnancies in the United States end in induced abortion. Multiple factors influence the incidence of abortion, including access to health care services and contraception; the availability of abortion providers; state regulations, such as mandatory waiting periods, parental involvement laws, and legal restrictions on abortion providers; increasing acceptance of nonmarital childbearing; shifts in the race/ethnicity composition of the U.S. population; and changes in the economy and the resulting impact on fertility preferences and use of contraception. However, despite the multiple influences on abortion, because unintended pregnancy precedes nearly all cases of abortions, efforts to help women avoid pregnancies that they do not desire may reduce the number of abortions.

=== &quot;Abortion rate at lowest level since 1973&quot; (February 2, 2014) ===
&lt;small&gt; Jayson, Sharon (February 2, 2014). [https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2014/02/02/abortion-recession-medication/5087945/ &quot;Abortion rate at lowest level since 1973&quot;]. USA Today. Retrieved February 3, 2014. &lt;/small&gt;
* &quot;A 13% percent drop over a three-year time period is a pretty steep decline. It's unusual,&quot; says Rachel Jones, the lead author of the study by Guttmacher, a research organization that supports the right to legal abortion and seeks to expand access to information on sexual and reproductive health. &lt;br&gt; Jones attributes the decline to more women using &quot;highly effective contraceptive methods such as the IUD&quot; and the fact that the study period was during the recession and sluggish recovery. &lt;br&gt; &quot;Births have been falling for awhile, and the recession certainly accelerated the decrease in births,&quot; says economist Ted Joyce of Baruch College in New York, who has studied reproductive health since 1985. &lt;br&gt; &quot;When you consider the changes in contraception and the largest recession since the Great Depression, those two factors seem like compelling explanations for the decline,&quot; he says.
* Guttmacher's analysis this year is the first to study state restrictions, many of which increased beginning in 2011. The report says states enacted 205 abortion restrictions between 2011 and 2013, more than in the entire previous decade combined. However, the 2008-11 study period doesn't include that surge because many restrictions didn't take effect until late 2011 or later. During the study period, 106 new abortion restrictions were implemented. &lt;br&gt; &quot;We didn't find any clear associations between abortion restrictions and declines in abortion rates,&quot; Jones says. &quot;We saw drops in abortions in the states that had restrictions, but they were not substantially bigger than what we saw in other states.&quot; &lt;br&gt; &quot;No evidence was found that the overall drop in abortion incidence was related to the decrease in providers or to restrictions implemented between 2008 and 2011,&quot; the report says.
* Randall O'Bannon, of the National Right to Life Committee in Washington, D.C., which opposes abortion, views the new report as &quot;significant progress.&quot; &lt;br&gt; &quot;We're seeing some tangible results,&quot; he says. &quot;Obviously, we have had some impact.&quot;
* Whether the next report in three years will reflect continued declines depends on how the courts rule on state laws that would effectively restrict access to abortion providers, economist Joyce says. &lt;br&gt; &quot;The courts haven't ruled whether these are constitutional,&quot; he says. &quot;It really depends on whether those more serious restrictions go into effect. If they do, you're likely to see an increased decline in abortion rates.&quot;
* An estimated 239,400 early medication abortions were performed in 2011, representing 23% of all non-hospital abortions, an increase from 17% in 2008, the report says.

=== &quot;Characteristics of U.S. Abortion Patients in 2014 and Changes Since 2008&quot; (10 May 2016) ===
&lt;small&gt; Jerman, Jenna; Jones, Rachel K.; Onda, Tsuyoshi (10 May 2016). [https://www.guttmacher.org/report/characteristics-us-abortion-patients-2014# &quot;Characteristics of U.S. Abortion Patients in 2014 and Changes Since 2008&quot;] – via www.guttmacher.org. &lt;/small&gt;
* Abortion is common in the United States and is a critical component of comprehensive reproductive health care. However, information about individuals who have abortions is limited. For example, population-based surveys, which are used to obtain information about many aspects of reproductive and sexual health, do not adequately measure the prevalence of abortion, and only about half of abortions provided in the United States are captured by these types of surveys. While the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) publishes annual abortion statistics, including selected demographic characteristics of abortion patients, this information is limited and incomplete, as it is collected from individual state health departments with variable abortion-reporting requirements. For example, the CDC does not report abortion data from California, New Hampshire or Rhode Island, and the accuracy of abortion information can vary substantially by state over time. To address these limitations, the Guttmacher Institute periodically collects information from U.S. abortion patients, and the results of the most recent survey are summarized in this report. 
* The abortion rate declined 13% between 2008 and 2011, and while there is little evidence to suggest that the state abortion regulations passed during that time period were responsible for the drop in abortions, restrictions passed in some states in more recent years have been particularly onerous. These include waiting periods that may require patients to visit the clinic twice, requirements that abortion clinics meet the standards of ambulatory surgical centers or acquire hospital admitting privileges for their clinicians, and bans on the use of private insurance and plans purchased through state exchanges to pay for abortion services. 
* The proportion of abortions accounted for by adolescents declined significantly between 2008 and 2014—by 32%. In particular, the proportion accounted for by 15–17-year-olds declined 44% over this period, and that among 18–19-year-olds dropped by 25%. The 2014 abortion index of 0.4 for the former group indicates that they were substantially underrepresented among abortion patients relative to their representation in the larger population of women. 
* Relationship status can be a proxy for exposure to sexual activity, and can also influence individuals’ and couples’ childbearing goals. The distribution of abortion patients and abortion indices varied by relationship status. About 14% of abortion patients were married, and an additional 31% were cohabiting. A slight majority were not living with a partner in the month they became pregnant (46% had never married and 9% had been previously married).  &lt;br&gt; The 2014 abortion index of 0.4 for married patients indicates that they were substantially underrepresented among abortion patients relative to all women of reproductive age. Cohabiting women were overrepresented by a factor of 2.1, meaning they had an abortion rate twice the national average. The abortion index for never-married, noncohabiting patients was slightly higher than average. The abortion indices for most relationship statuses remained unchanged from 2008, with the exception of that for cohabiting women, which declined from 2.6 to 2.1. 
* Disparities in reproductive health outcomes by race and ethnicity are well documented,18–20 and may be an important indicator of systemic barriers to preventive services. No racial or ethnic group made up the majority of abortion patients in 2014. Overall, 39% were white, 28% black, 25% Hispanic, 6% Asian or Pacific Islander, and 3% of other background. The racial and ethnic composition of patients was quite similar in 2008. 
* Educational goals are often cited as a reason to delay childbearing, as many individuals wish to complete their schooling and better position themselves economically before having children.21 In 2014, some 9% of abortion patients aged 20 or older had less than a high school degree, and the overwhelming majority—91%—had graduated from high school; more than one in five had a college degree. The proportion of patients aged 20 or older who had not graduated from high school declined significantly over the six-year period (from 12% to 9%). 
* How individuals achieve their desired family size—including the timing and spacing of any births—is often part of a complicated calculus, and decisions regarding pregnancy outcomes are made in the context of existing and planned children. In 2014, it continued to be the case that the majority of abortion patients (59%) had had at least one previous birth, including one-third who had had two or more; 41% of abortion patients had had no prior births. These proportions were largely unchanged from 2008.
* Over the last few decades, abortion and unintended pregnancy have become increasingly concentrated among poor patients. This trend continued through 2014, when there was a significant increase in the proportion of abortion patients accounted for by this group: Forty-nine percent of patients had family incomes of less than 100% of the federal poverty level, while 42% were in this group in 2008. An additional 26% of patients in 2014 had incomes that were 100–199% of the poverty threshold. (We refer to patients in the lowest and middle categories as poor and low income, respectively.) The increase in poor abortion patients was countered by a decrease in the proportion of patients in the highest income group (200% or more of the federal poverty level), from 31% to 25% over the six-year period. 
* The majority of abortion patients indicated a religious affiliation: Seventeen percent identified as mainline Protestant, 13% as evangelical Protestant and 24% as Roman Catholic, while 8% identified with some other religion. Thirty-eight percent of patients did not identify with any religion. The proportion of women who identified as mainline Protestant declined by 24% since 2008, whereas the proportion with no affiliation increased by 38%. The proportion identifying as Catholic decreased by 15% from the earlier survey, though this change was only marginally significant. &lt;br&gt; The abortion index for Catholic women showed that their relative abortion rate was nearly the same as that for all women (1.1). Mainline Protestants were slightly underrepresented among abortion patients (0.8), while evangelical Protestants had an abortion rate that was half of the national average. Patients with no affiliation were overrepresented among abortion patients, having a relative abortion rate of 1.8. The abortion index had declined slightly for mainline Protestants, and had increased slightly for those with no affiliation. 
* Unintended pregnancy is not limited to heterosexual women. Sexual minority women may have an elevated risk for unintended pregnancy because of differences in sexual health knowledge or behaviors, or because of a higher prevalence of risk factors such as previous exposure to abuse. The vast majority of abortion patients identified as heterosexual or straight (94%). Four percent of patients said they were bisexual, while only 1% identified as “something else” and 0.3% as homosexual, gay or lesbian. Respondents who indicated “something else” could write in a more specific response; 12 of the 81 who answered affirmatively indicated “pansexual,” which was the only response provided by more than one respondent. 
* While fewer abortion patients were uninsured in 2014 than in 2008, there were no significant changes in how patients paid for their abortions. Regardless of insurance coverage, 53% of patients reported that they paid for the abortion themselves. Medicaid was the second-most-common method of payment, reported by 24% of patients; the overwhelming majority of these patients (96%) lived in the 15 states that allow state funds to be used to pay for abortions (not shown). Fifteen percent of patients reported that they used their private insurance to pay for the procedure, and 14% relied on some type of financial assistance. Notably, most patients with private health insurance (61%) paid out of pocket for their abortion (not shown). Eight percent relied on more than one payment method, most commonly paying themselves and getting financial assistance. While there were shifts in type of payment between 2008 and 2014—in particular, a decrease in the proportion who were self-paying and an increase in reliance on Medicaid—the changes were not statistically significant. 
* In many ways, abortion patients in 2014 were quite similar to those in 2008. As in the earlier survey, the majority of patients were in their 20s, unmarried and nonwhite, and had graduated high school, had at least one previous birth and had a religious affiliation. However, smaller proportions of patients in 2014 were adolescents and were uninsured, and a larger proportion were poor. &lt;br&gt; The percentage of abortion patients accounted for by adolescents has been declining for decades, but the 32% drop between 2008 and 2014 was particularly notable. A comparable drop was seen in the teenage birthrate, which declined 40% during this period, meaning that fewer teenagers were getting pregnant in 2014 than in 2008. There were no significant changes in sexual activity or contraceptive use patterns among adolescents during this time period, and economists speculate that increased educational opportunities, the media and the economy may have influenced these trends. Understanding the reasons behind these declines could have important policy implications, and more research is needed to better understand the range of factors influencing these patterns.
* Poor women continue to account for a disproportionate share of abortion patients, and this representation increased from 42% to 49% over the six-year period, mostly driven by an increase in the population of women of reproductive age who are poor. The abortion index for poor women changed little, and disparities in abortion rates by income did not increase between 2008 and 2014. Still, it is now the case that 75% of abortion patients are low income, having family incomes of less than 200% of the federal poverty level.

=== &quot;U.S. Abortion Attitudes Remain Closely Divided&quot; (June 11, 2018) ===
&lt;small&gt; Jeffrey Jones (June 11, 2018). [https://news.gallup.com/poll/235445/abortion-attitudes-remain-closely-divided.aspx?g_source=link_NEWSV9&amp;g_medium=TOPIC&amp;g_campaign=item_&amp;g_content=U.S.%2520Abortion%2520Attitudes%2520Remain%2520Closely%2520Divided &quot;U.S. Abortion Attitudes Remain Closely Divided&quot;]. Gallup. &lt;/small&gt;
* Although there has been some variation in past years, Americans have typically been closely split on whether they consider themselves pro-choice or pro-life, particularly since 2000, when the averages have been 47% pro-choice and 46% pro-life. During the 1990s -- when Gallup first asked the question -- more Americans personally identified as pro-choice than as pro-life by 51% to 40%, on average.
* When asked more specifically about their views on the legality of abortion, half of Americans adopt a middle-of-the-road position, saying abortion should be legal &quot;only under certain circumstances.&quot; Americans with more absolute positions tend to come down on the side of abortion being legal under any circumstances (29%) than being illegal in all circumstances (18%). &lt;br&gt; Historically, Americans have been most likely to favor the middle position -- abortion being legal under certain circumstances. Rarely has the percentage saying abortion should sometimes be legal fallen below 50%, averaging 53% since it was first asked in 1975. &lt;br&gt; There has been a slight uptick in the percentage saying abortion should always be legal, from 21% in 1975 -- two years after the Roe v. Wade decision legalized abortion nationwide -- to 29% today. This percentage has varied in the interim, peaking at 33% in 1991, 1994 and 1995, but reverting to 21% as recently as 2009, and averaging 27%. &lt;br&gt; In the 1975 poll, 22% of Americans said abortion should be illegal in all circumstances. The 18% who currently hold this view matches the average over the past 43 years.
* Although close to eight in 10 Americans believe abortion should be legal in all or some circumstances, further probing of their attitudes finds the public favoring more restrictive rather than less restrictive laws. In a follow-up question asked of those in the middle &quot;legal under certain circumstances&quot; group, most of these respondents say it should be legal &quot;only in a few&quot; rather than in &quot;most&quot; circumstances. &lt;br&gt; The result is that 43% of Americans say abortion should be legal in all (29%) or most (14%) circumstances, while a majority of 53% say it should be legal in only a few (35%) or no circumstances (18%). No fewer than 51% of Americans have favored more restrictive abortion laws since 1994, when Gallup first asked the follow-up probe of those saying abortion should be legal under certain circumstances.
* Since Gallup first measured attitudes about the morality of abortion in 2001, an average of 41% have regarded it as acceptable and 49% as wrong. Though attitudes have fluctuated, at no point have more Americans said abortion is morally acceptable than have said it is morally wrong.
* Abortion has long been a divisive issue in U.S. politics, and Americans are no closer to reaching a consensus on it than they were in the initial years after the practice became legal in the U.S. more than 40 years ago.
* While relatively few Americans appear to favor making abortion illegal, a slim majority appear sympathetic to taking steps to limit the circumstances under which abortions are permitted.

=== &quot;Patterns in socioeconomic characteristics of women obtaining abortions in 2000–2001&quot; (2002) ===
&lt;small&gt; Jones RK, Darroch JE and Henshaw SK, [https://www.guttmacher.org/journals/psrh/2002/09/patterns-socioeconomic-characteristics-women-obtaining-abortions-2000-2001 &quot;Patterns in socioeconomic characteristics of women obtaining abortions in 2000–2001&quot;], “Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health”], 2002, 34(5):226–235 &lt;/small&gt; 
* Abortion is a common experience among U.S. women. Nevertheless, because abortion is a sensitive topic for many people, it is commonly underreported in national surveys, and representative information about women who have abortions is limited. Most states and the District of Columbia collect data on the characteristics of women who have abortions as part of their vital statistics systems; the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) tabulates and publishes these data in summary form. However, this information is limited to a few basic demographic characteristics. &lt;br&gt; Accurate national information describing women who have abortions may dispel, or confirm, stereotypes that arise when people are reluctant to talk openly about their abortion experiences. In addition, given that abortion rates decreased throughout the 1990s, identifying the groups of women in which the decrease was below average or in which no decrease occurred can help policymakers and family planning providers determine which groups of women at which point in their lives need greater assistance preventing unintended pregnancies.
* Between 1994 and 2000, the abortion rate fell by 11%, from 24 to 21 per 1,000 women aged 15-44; in 2000, 25% of all pregnancies (excluding miscarriages) ended in abortion. Subgroups of women varied, often dramatically, in their rates of abortion, reflecting differences in rates of pregnancy and in the proportions of pregnancies ending in abortions. &lt;br&gt; Age. Almost one in every five women (19%) who had an abortion in 2000-2001 were adolescents, more than half (56%) were in their 20s and a quarter (25%) were 30 or older. The proportion aged 15-19 had decreased slightly, from 21% in 1994. Most teenagers having abortions in both years were aged 18-19 (12% of all women having abortions), while only 1% were younger than 15.&lt;br&gt; Women aged 20-24 have a higher abortion rate than any other age-group (47 abortions per 1,000), and women aged 40 or older have an exceptionally low rate (four per 1,000). Adolescents also have a higher-than-average abortion rate—25 per 1,000 women aged 15-19. The relatively high adolescent abortion rate is largely attributable to a high level of abortion among women aged 18-19 (39 per 1,000); the rate among 15-17-year-olds is 15 per 1,000.
* Two-thirds of women having abortions in 2000 had never been married, one in six were currently married and another one in six were separated, divorced or widowed when they became pregnant. The proportion of women having an abortion who had never been married increased from 64% in 1994 to 67% in 2000.
* Despite their high pregnancy rate (99 per 1,000), married women have a low abortion rate because they carry the overwhelming majority of their pregnancies (92%) to term. Previously married and never-married women are much less likely than married women to become pregnant, but more than four out of 10 of their pregnancies end in abortion.
* Although 19% of unmarried U.S. women aged 15-44 are living with their partners, these women accounted for 31% of abortions among unmarried women in 2000, up from 21% in 1994. Abortion rates changed little for unmarried, cohabiting women between 1994 and 2000, following a steep rate of decline in their abortion rates between 1987 and 1994. Rates declined substantially (20%) among unmarried women who were not cohabiting between 1994 and 2000. The 1994-2000 pattern represents a dramatic slowdown in the rate of decrease among cohabiting women and an increasing rate of decline for noncohabiting, unmarried women. In all three years, cohabiting women had high abortion rates.
* A large proportion (73%) of all women having abortions had been pregnant before: Some 48% had had a previous abortion, including 36% who had experienced both a previous birth and an abortion and 12% who had experienced only a previous abortion. It is also worth noting that 52% of women having abortions in 2000 intended to have (more) children in the future, and 22% were unsure of their birth intentions (not shown).
* Abortion services are concentrated in cities, so it is often easier for women residing in metropolitan counties to obtain these services. Nine in 10 women obtaining abortions reside in metropolitan areas, compared with eight in 10 women aged 15-44. Women in metropolitan counties and those in nonmetropolitan counties had similar rates of decline in abortion between 1994 and 2000, but the abortion rate among women living in metropolitan counties in 2000 was still twice that among women residing in nonmetropolitan counties (24 vs. 12 per 1,000).
* Poverty. Women with incomes below 200% of poverty made up 30% of all women of reproductive age, but accounted for 57% of all women having abortions in 2000: Twenty-seven percent of abortions were obtained by women living below the poverty line, and another 31% by women with incomes of 100-199% of poverty. The concentration of economically disadvantaged women among those having abortions was greater in 2000 than in 1994, when 50% of women obtaining abortions had incomes of less than 200% of poverty.
* Medicaid. About one-quarter of women obtaining abortions were covered by Medicaid for general health care. The abortion rate among all women with Medicaid coverage (57 per 1,000) was three times the rate among women not covered by Medicaid. Between 1994 and 2000, the abortion rate among Medicaid recipients increased, whereas the rate among women who were not receiving Medicaid declined. &lt;br&gt; The increase in abortion rates among women with Medicaid coverage between 1994 and 2000 was an abrupt change from the 1987-1994 period, when abortion rates for this group declined substantially. Women with Medicaid coverage in 1987 had 71 abortions per 1,000, and by 1994 this rate had decreased by 29%, a decline that was larger than that for women with no Medicaid coverage.
* Race/ethnicity. Of women obtaining abortions, 41% were non-Hispanic white, 32% were non-Hispanic black and 20% were Hispanic. The remaining women were Asian or Pacific Islander (6%) or Native American (1%). Between 1994 and 2000, the proportion of women obtaining abortions who were Asian or Pacific Islander increased. &lt;br&gt; The lowest abortion rate of all the racial and ethnic groups examined was among white women (13 per 1,000), while the highest rate was among black women (49 per 1,000). Hispanic and Asian women had abortion rates slightly higher than average (33 and 31 per 1,000, respectively). Between 1994 and 2000, abortion rates fell for all groups but Asians; the drop was largest (20%) among white women. &lt;br&gt; White women also had a lower pregnancy rate than any of the other racial or ethnic groups and, with only 18% of pregnancies ending in abortion, were the most likely to carry their pregnancies to term. &lt;br&gt; Black women's high abortion rate reflects both their high pregnancy rate and the high proportion of conceptions (43%) that ended in abortion. Hispanic women had the highest pregnancy rate of all the racial and ethnic groups (132 per 1,000); one-quarter of pregnancies ended in abortion.
* Education. Among women aged 20 or older, those who had not graduated from high school accounted for 13% of abortions. High school graduates made up 30% of women having an abortion, and those with at least some college, 57%. &lt;br&gt; The abortion rate among college graduates (13 per 1,000) was lower than average; moreover, women with college degrees were the only educational group to show a higher-than-average decline in abortion rates (30%) between 1994 and 2000. The relatively small proportion of pregnancies among college graduates that ended in abortion (21%) and the below-average pregnancy rate account for their low abortion rate. Women with some college had a pregnancy rate that was lower than average, but 38% of their pregnancies ended in abortion in 2000, resulting in the highest abortion rate of any educational group (26 per 1,000).
* Religious affiliation. The majority of women older than 17 who obtained an abortion reported a religious affiliation. The highest proportion (43%) identified themselves as Protestant. Twenty-seven percent of women having an abortion identified themselves as Catholic, and 8% as a member of another religion; 22% reported no religious affiliation. Thirteen percent identified themselves as &quot;born-again&quot; or evangelical, three-fourths of whom were Protestant (not shown). &lt;br&gt; Women affiliated with &quot;other&quot; religions and those who did not identify with any religion had the highest abortion rates (31 and 30 per 1,000, respectively). Women with no religious affiliation experienced the largest decline in abortion of all the groups examined (35%).
* Information gathered from this nationally representative sample reveals that the typical woman having an abortion is between the ages of 20 and 30, has never married, has had a previous birth, lives in a metropolitan area, and is economically disadvantaged and Christian. However, women who have abortions are diverse, and unintended pregnancy leading to abortion is common in all population subgroups. &lt;br&gt; Although the national abortion rate decreased by 11% between 1994 and 2000, not all population groups participated equally in the decline, and some groups experienced increases. As a result, women having abortions are increasingly those who are never-married, low-income, nonwhite and Hispanic, and have already had at least one child. &lt;br&gt; Birthrates changed little between 1994 and 2000, and limited data suggest that no change occurred in the proportion of births that were unintended. Information from women who gave birth in 17 states in 1999 reveals that between one-third and one-half of these births were unintended. Comparable information gathered in nine of the states in 1993 suggests that the proportion of births that were unintended changed little between 1993 and 1999. If these dynamics apply to all women, then the decrease in abortion between 1994 and 2000 reflects decreases in both the overall rate of unintended pregnancy and the proportion of women with unintended pregnancies who have abortions.
* Abortion rates among adolescents have been declining since the late 1980s. Parental involvement laws for minors took effect in eight states between 1994 and 2000. It is unlikely that these restrictions account for much of the decline in adolescent abortion rates during this time period because these states account for only 17% of female adolescents, and abortion rates also declined during this time period for other groups not affected by such restrictions. The pregnancy rate for adolescents aged 15-19 fell from 91 per 1,000 in 1994 to about 72 per 1,000 in 2000. The proportion of adolescent pregnancies ending in abortion was similar in both years—35% in 1994 and 34% in 2000, indicating that adolescent abortion rates did not decline between 1994 and 2000 because more teenagers were carrying their pregnancies to term. The decline in adolescent pregnancy may be a continuation of a trend toward more consistent use of contraceptives and use of more effective methods as well as decreases in sexual activity among at least some subgroups.
* Economically disadvantaged women, who had high abortion rates in both 1994 and 2000, were the only group we examined whose abortion rate increased substantially during this period. Given that poverty is susceptible to measurement error, actual changes in abortion rates by poverty status may have been less drastic than our analysis suggests. Nonetheless, our findings demonstrate that abortion rates increased for economically disadvantaged women and women on Medicaid, while they decreased for middle- and higher-income women.
* The decline in the number of women covered by Medicaid, and the parallel increase in the number with no insurance, was not accompanied by increased funding for free or low-cost family planning services. In fact, funding for Title X, the largest source of public funding for contraceptive services for women not covered by Medicaid, remained stable between 1994 and 1999 once inflation is taken into account. As a result, economically disadvantaged women may have had more difficulties accessing family planning services during this time period.
* Black and Hispanic women are more likely than white women to be economically disadvantaged, and this partially explains their higher abortion rates. Within all three racial and ethnic groups, there is a clear association between poverty status and abortion, the abortion rate being higher among poor and low-income women than among those with incomes greater than 200% of poverty. However, economic status, as measured by poverty status, does not explain all the differences between racial and ethnic groups. Except in the lowest poverty-status group, black women have the highest abortion rates, followed by Hispanic women, and the lowest rates occur among white women. In 1994, the higher abortion rate among black women reflected primarily a rate of unintended pregnancy much higher than those among white and Hispanic women, as well as a somewhat higher proportion of unintended pregnancies ending in abortion. Black, Hispanic and white women at risk of unintended pregnancy have roughly similar levels of contraceptive use, but nonpoor black women using reversible methods have higher levels of contraceptive failure than do similar white and Hispanic women. Thus, the high levels of abortion among black women across economic statuses also point to a need for greater assistance in preventing unintended pregnancies.

=== “Contraceptive Use Among U.S. Women Having Abortions in 2000-2001” (November/December 2002) ===
&lt;small&gt; Rachel K. Jones, Jacqueline E. Darroch, Stanley K. Henshaw; [https://www.guttmacher.org/sites/default/files/article_files/3429402.pdf “Contraceptive Use Among U.S. Women Having Abortions in 2000-2001”] Volume 34, Issue 6, (November/December 2002) &lt;/small&gt;
* Some 45 of every 1,000 women aged 15–44 in the United States had an unintended pregnancy in 1994 (the latest year for which data are available). The high level of unintended pregnancy can be attributed to three factors: the failure of couples at risk of unintended pregnancy to practice contraception, incorrect or inconsistent use of contraceptive methods, and method failure among those practicing contraception correctly and consistently. &lt;br&gt; Approximately one-half of unintended pregnancies end in abortion. A substantial minority of women having abortions—42% in 1994–1995 and 49% in 1987—became pregnant because they and their partners were not using a contraceptive method. It is unknown, however, what proportion of pregnancies among method users were due to inconsistent or incorrect contraceptive use and what proportion were accounted for by method failure.
** p.294

* More than half of women obtaining abortions in 2000 (54%) had been using a contraceptive method during the month they became pregnant. This figure is slightly lower than the proportion of women having abortions in 1994 who had been contraceptive users (58%), but slightly higher than the proportion reported in 1987 (51%). In 2000, approximately 15% of women had been using the most effective methods—1% used long-acting methods (sterilization, the IUD, implants or injectables) and 14% the pill. Twenty-eight percent of all women having abortions had used the male condom, down from 32% in 1994 (the only method to decline by more than three percentage points). Withdrawal and periodic abstinence had been used by roughly one in 10 women having abortions.
** p.296
 
* Women using no contraceptive method made up a larger proportion of women having abortions than of all women at risk of unintended pregnancy (46% vs. 7%), mainly because the likelihood of pregnancy is extremely high among fertile, sexually active women when they do not use a contraceptive method. In contrast, a substantially lower proportion of women having abortions than of all women at risk of unintended pregnancy had used sterilization and other long-acting methods (1% vs. 41%), which reflects the very high rates of use-effectiveness of these methods. Pill users were underrepresented among women having abortions, whereas women using condoms and withdrawal were overrepresented. These patterns reflect the fact that women using oral contraceptives are more successful in avoiding accidental pregnancy than are those who rely on barrier or nonprescription methods.
** p.296

* The proportion of women having abortions who had not been using a contraceptive when they became pregnant varied across social and demographic subgroups from 37% to 54% (Table 2). Bivariate analyses reveal that adolescents and women aged 20–24 were significantly more likely than women aged 30 or older to be nonusers (47–50% vs. 44%). Decreases in income and education are associated with in-creased contraceptive nonuse: Women with family incomes below 300% of the federal poverty level were more likely than women with higher incomes not to be using a method of birth control in the month they became pregnant (45–52% vs. 40%), and women with less than a college degree were significantly more likely than college graduates to be nonusers (41–54% vs. 37%). Blacks, Hispanics and women of other races and ethnicities were more likely than whites to be nonusers (50–52% vs. 39%). Union status was barely associated with nonuse of contraception. Women who were the most likely to be nonusers were also the most likely never to have used a contraceptive method. For example, adolescents were more likely than women aged 30 or older to have never practiced contraception (12–19% vs. 7%).
** pp.296-297

* On the basis of our survey findings, we estimate that of the 1.3 million women who underwent induced abortions in 2000, 608,000 had not been using a contraceptive method around the time they became pregnant, 610,000 had been using a method but not consistently or correctly, and 95,000 had thought they were using the method perfectly but became pregnant because of method failure.* Although these estimates are based solely on women’s retrospective reports and perceptions of why they became pregnant, they raise issues that are common among all contraceptive users and thus need to be addressed.
** p.301

* Method failure rates during perfect use are quite low for oral contraceptives and male condoms (0.1–0.5% and 3%, respectively, in the first year of use). Previous research has found that some women overreport compliance with contraceptive regimens, and women having abortions may have overreported perfect method use. Nonetheless, the potential number of unintended pregnancies due to method failure is quite large. In 1995, 10 million women were using
the pill, and eight million the condom. If all 10 million women using the pill did so perfectly over the full year, 0.1–0.5%, or 10,000–50,000 users, would have become pregnant. Similarly, if all eight million condom users used the method perfectly for the year, 3%, or 240,000, would have become pregnant. These estimates confirm the validity of the number of abortions that women attributed to method failure during perfect use (95,000). This finding underscores the importance of providing women and their partners with information and services they need to select methods with which they are most likely to be successful, as well as the continuing need for development of additional method choices.
** p.301

* Nearly one-fifth of all women having abortions—one in three nonusers and one in five condom users—were not using a contraceptive method or were using it inconsistently because of a perceived low risk of pregnancy. Some of these women may have assumed they were having intercourse in a “safe time” in their menstrual cycle; others may have thought their risk of pregnancy was low because they were postpartum or breastfeeding. Furthermore, some may have simply perceived the risk of becoming pregnant to be low, and some may have thought they or their partner was sterile. The frequency of perceived low risk for pregnancy among women who had abortions shows that women and their partners need accurate information about the probability of conception when contraception is not used, the variability of fertility cycles and the importance of consistent contraceptive use.
** p.302

* Twenty-seven percent of contraceptive nonusers and 13% of condom users—or 16% of all women having abortions— became pregnant because they were not expecting to have sex. Ambivalence about contraception had been experienced by 22% of nonusers, and small proportions of pill and condom users indicated that they did not care or they “didn’t feel like” using their method. Very few women indicated that ambivalence about childbearing intentions had directly influenced their contraceptive use, but among women who had used condoms in the month they became pregnant, those who intended to have a child or more children were more likely than those who did not to report inconsistent condom use or condom breakage or slippage.
** p.302

=== &quot;Abortion Incidence and Access to Services in the United States, 2008&quot; (March 2011) ===
&lt;small&gt; Jones, Rachel K.; Kooistra, Kathryn (March 2011). [https://www.guttmacher.org/sites/default/files/pdfs/pubs/psrh/full/4304111.pdf  &quot;Abortion Incidence and Access to Services in the United States, 2008&quot;] (PDF). Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health. 43  (1): 41–50. doi:10.1363/4304111. PMID 21388504. Retrieved December 8, 2017. &lt;/small&gt;
* RESULTS: In 2008, an estimated 1.21 million abortions were performed in the United States. The abortion rate increased 1% between 2005 and 2008, from 19.4 to 19.6 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44; the total number of abortion providers was virtually unchanged. Small changes in national abortion incidence and number of providers masked substantial changes in some states. Accessibility of services changed little: In both years, 35% of women of reproductive age lived in the 87% of counties that lacked a provider. Fifty-seven percent of nonhospital providers experienced antiabortion harassment in 2008; levels of harassment were particularly high in the Midwest (85%) and the South (75%).
** p.41

* The incidence of abortion in the United States declined for more than a decade, but this trend may be ending, or at least leveling off. Nationwide, the number of abortions peaked in 1990, at 1.61 million, and dropped 25%, to 1.21 million, by 2005.1 Similarly, the abortion rate declined 29% over the same period, from 27.4 per 1,000 women aged 15–44 to 19.4 per 1,000. However, data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), based on records from health 
departments in 48 reporting areas, show that the number and rate of abortions increased 3% between 2005 and 2006. &lt;br&gt; The number and rate of abortions are in part dependent on the accessibility of abortion services, which may be affected by the number of providers, gestational limits, cost and antiabortion harassment. The number of abortion providers in the United States has been declining steadily:* It peaked in 1982, at 2,900 facilities, and had fallen to 1,800 by 2005. In that year, 87% of counties lacked an abortion provider, and 35% of women aged 15–44 lived in those counties; some of these women may lack the time or resources to travel to a provider.
** p.41

* In 2009, the murder of Dr. George Tiller—an abortion provider in Kansas—brought renewed attention to the issue of antiabortion harassment. Extreme acts of violence against abortion providers may lead to declines in the number of providers in the area. In 2000, some 82% of 
facilities providing 400 or more abortions per year experienced some type of harassment. Most commonly, harassment took the form of picketing and physical contact with or blocking of patients, but 15% of large providers received a bomb threat.
** p.41

* We asked fewer questions of hospitals because the individuals answering the questionnaires in these settings typically have access to less information about clients. Information restricted 
to nonhospital facilities represents the experience of most women having abortions, since these providers perform the vast majority of all abortions (95% in 2005).
** p.42

* In the prior census, California’s health department provided information about hospitals, but only for inpatient abortions (typically procedures performed late in the second trimester). For the current survey, we obtained hospital data on both inpatient and outpatient procedures; this 
allowed us to identify 65 additional hospital providers in the state in 2008. These facilities performed 470 abortions in 2008, and we expect many of them had provided small numbers of abortions in previous years as well. &lt;br&gt; Of the abortions that occurred in 2008, some 82% were reported by providers, 9% came from health department data, 6% were estimated by knowledgeable sources and 3% were projections or internal estimates. By comparison, 
in 2005, some 76% of abortions were reported by providers, 12% came from health departments, 9% were external estimates and 3% were estimated internally.
** p.42

* The incidence of abortion in the United States changed little between 2005 and 2008: The number of abortions increased by 0.5%, from 1,206,200 to 1,212,350, and the abortion rate increased 1%, from 19.4 to 19.6 per 1,000 women aged 15–44 (Table 1). The abortion ratio did not change over this period, remaining at 22 abortions per 100 pregnancies. &lt;br&gt; The lack of change in abortion incidence nationally masks variations by state. Delaware had the highest abortion rate in 2008 (40 per 1,000 women), partly because of a 37% increase in the number of abortions (Table 2, page  44). Most of this increase can be attributed to one provider that acknowledged underreporting abortions in the 2005 survey. New York and New Jersey had the second and third  highest abortion rates (38 and 31 abortions per 1,000 women, respectively). The abortion rate in the District of  Columbia dropped 45% between 2005 and 2008, from 54  to 30 per 1,000, which made it the fourth highest in the  country. High rates were also seen in Maryland, California, Florida, Nevada and Connecticut (25–29 per 1,000). &lt;br&gt; Wyoming had the lowest abortion rate, less than 1 per 1,000 women; the fi ve states with the next lowest rates were  Mississippi, Kentucky, South Dakota, Idaho and Missouri  (5–6 abortions per 1,000). Notably, rates based on abortions  performed in a given state may differ from rates based on  abortions obtained by a state’s residents. For example, while  only 70 abortions were reported in Wyoming in 2005, an  estimated 1,100 were obtained by Wyoming residents in  that year, and almost all of them occurred out of state.
** p.43

* Change in abortion rates varied both within and across regions between 2005 and 2008. As in prior years, the rate was highest in the Northeast (27 abortions per 1,000 women), followed by rates in the West, the South and the Midwest (22, 18 and 14 per 1,000, respectively). Both the South and the West showed slight increases in rates between 2005 and 2008 (1–2%). The largest rate increases in the South were in Delaware and Louisiana (39% and 38%, respectively); Georgia and Kentucky also had substantial increases  (18% and 16%, respectively). California accounted for 18% of the nation’s abortions in 2008, and its 2% increase was responsible for most of the increase in the West. The abortion rate in the Northeast did not change between 2005 and 2008; over this period, the rate rose by 23% in Pennsylvania,  while it declined by 8% in Massachusetts and 9% in New Jersey. In the Midwest, the abortion rate was unchanged;  the sizable increases in North and South Dakota mainly refl ect small absolute increases in the relatively small number of abortions performed in those states. More notable were changes in two states that account for almost half of abortions in the Midwest: The abortion rate in Illinois rose by 9%, while Michigan showed a 5% decrease.
** p.43

* The national trend in the number of abortion providers paralleled that of abortion rates, showing very little change: 1,793 in 2008, compared with 1,787 in 2005 (Table 3). Twenty-seven states and the District of Columbia experienced a decrease in providers, while nine had overall.
** p.44

* 94% of non-hospital medical abortions used mifepristone and misoprostol—6% used methotrexate and misoprostol—in the United States in 2008. increases and 14 experienced no change. The number of providers declined in the South (10%), the Northeast (8%)  and the Midwest (5%). In contrast, it grew 15% in the West, largely because of a 23% increase in California. Without the newly identified facilities in California, the number of providers there would have increased by only 8%.
** p.44

* The potential impact of the loss of providers in a given state varies depending on the total number of providers in that state. For example, the largest decreases in the absolute number of providers occurred in New York and Florida, each of which had 12 fewer providers in 2008 than in 2005. However, this numerical loss of providers represented a 12% decline in providers in Florida but only a 5% decline in New York, because the latter had about 250 providers in both years. The loss of 10 providers in New Jersey represented a decline of 12% of that state’s providers.
** pp.45-46

* In 2008, the overwhelming majority of U.S. counties (87%) lacked an abortion provider, and 35% of women of reproductive age lived in these counties. The proportions were lower in the Northeast (53% and 18%) and the West (74% and 13%). The former is the most densely populated region, which partially accounts for the relatively good coverage. In addition, the fact that states in both regions have larger (and fewer) counties than states in the Midwest and the South helps explain the below-average proportions of counties without a provider. Abortion services are concentrated in cities. However, 69% of counties in metropolitan areas lacked a provider (not shown), and 25% of metropolitan women aged 15–44 lived in those counties. Almost all nonmetropolitan counties—97%—lacked an abortion provider, and 92% of women of reproductive age in these areas resided in those counties. These figures were virtually unchanged from those for 2005.
** p.46

* The 378 specialized abortion clinics accounted for 21% of all abortion providers, but performed 70% of all abortions in 2008 (Table 4). Most of these facilities reported 1,000 or more abortions during the year. A total of 473 nonspecialized clinics accounted for 24% of all abortions; some were similar to abortion clinics in having caseloads of 1,000 or more abortions per year. Overall, the 
number of very large providers (those performing 5,000 or more procedures) increased by more than 50% between surveys: Twenty facilities of this size accounted for 12% of all abortions in 2005, whereas 31 such facilities provided 17% of abortions in 2008. 
** p.46

* Thirty-four percent of abortion providers were hospitals in 2008, but these facilities accounted for only 4% of all abortions. Many hospitals provide abortions only in cases of fetal anomaly or serious risk to the woman’s health, and a majority (65%) performed fewer than 30 abortions in 2008. Twenty-two hospitals reported 400–999 abortions during the year, and only nine reported 1,000 or more.
** p.46

* Some 19% of providers were physicians’ offices, but these facilities accounted for only 1% of 
all abortions. A majority of these offices (57%) reported fewer than 30 abortions; our survey may have missed a number of small providers in this category.
** p.46

* Fifty-nine percent of facilities provided one or more early medication abortions in 2008, a slightly higher proportion than in 2005; a 4% increase in the number of such providers occurred over this period (Table 5). The number of nonspecialized clinics that provided early medication abortion services increased by 23%, but the numbers of hospitals and physicians’ offices doing so decreased (by 13% and 9%, respectively). Eighty-three percent of abortion clinics and 88% of other clinics performed at least one early medication abortion in 2008, whereas 25% of hospitals and 55% of physicians’ offices did so. The likelihood of providing early medication abortion services increased with caseload—from 30% among the smallest providers to 94% among the largest. &lt;br&gt; A substantial number of clinics and physicians’ offices—164 facilities, or 9% of all providers—offered early medication abortions, but not surgical abortions (not shown). Eleven percent of physicians’ offices were in this group, as were 27% of nonspecialized clinics. (Information on number of early medication abortions was not available for 34% of nonhospital facilities and 49% of physicians’ offices, and some of these facilities may have provided only this service; hence, our estimate is a 
conservative one.) &lt;br&gt; Some 199,000 early medication abortions were performed in nonhospital facilities in 2008, representing a 24% increase from 2005. Mifepristone was used for 94% of these procedures (187,000), and methotrexate for the remainder (not shown). Slightly more than half of early medication abortions were administered by abortion clinics, and most of the rest by nonspecialized clinics. Physicians’ offices averaged about two medication abortions per month and accounted for only 2% of all such procedures. In 2008, some 17% of all abortions performed in nonhospital facilities were early medication abortions; nonspecialized clinics had the highest proportion of such abortions (30%). Early medication abortions accounted for a larger share of procedures at facilities with smaller caseloads: 37–49% at facilities in the two smallest caseload categories, but only 9% at those with the largest caseloads. We did not collect data on the gestational age at which abortions were performed, but using gestation data from the CDC,2 we estimate that in 2008, slightly more than one-quarter of eligible abortions, or those before nine weeks’ gestation, were performed using medication.
** p.46

* Most providers have limits on the earliest and latest gestations at which they will perform abortions, and women who are very early in their pregnancy or in the second trimester may have a difficult time locating appropriate services. Some 42% of providers offered abortions at four or fewer weeks since a woman’s last menstrual period (not shown). The greatest proportion of providers offered abortions at eight weeks’ gestation (95%), and 64% offered at least some second-trimester abortion services (13 weeks or later). Twenty-three percent offered abortions after 20 weeks’ gestation, and 11%  did so. &lt;br&gt; Gestational limits varied by provider type. The pro-portion of nonspecialized clinics performing abortions dropped markedly after nine weeks—98% offered abortions at nine weeks’ gestation, while 63% did so at 10 weeks—probably because some provided only early medication abortion services. By comparison, 98% of abortion clinics offered abortions through the first trimester. Hospitals were more likely than other types of providers to offer abortions at later gestations: Fifty-eight percent reported that they performed abortions at 20 weeks’ gestation, whereas 36% of abortion clinics did so. at 24 weeks. Access to very early and later abortions changed little since 2005, when 40% of providers offered abortions at four weeks and 8% did so at 24 weeks.  
** p.47

* A majority of women who access abortion services are poor or have a low income, and most women pay for the procedure out of pocket. The cost of obtaining an abortion, which varies by provider type and gestational age, may prevent some women from accessing this service. 
In 2009, the median charge* for a surgical abortion at 10 weeks’ gestation was $470 (Table 6, page 48). Abortion clinics charged the least ($425), and physicians’ offices the most ($535). Surgical abortions at 10 weeks’ gestation were most expensive at facilities that performed fewer 
than 30 abortions per year ($629) and least expensive at facilities with the highest caseloads ($400). &lt;br&gt; We weighted the cost data by number of abortions to account for the fact that more women obtain abortions at facilities with lower charges; the resulting measure represents abortion patients’ mean out-of-pocket expenditures. Women obtaining a surgical abortion at 10 weeks’ gestation paid $451 in 2009, on average. The comparable figure in 2006 was $413, which is equivalent to $440 in inflation-adjusted 2009 dollars.11 Thus, the average amount that women paid for a first-trimester surgical abortion increased by only $11 between 2006 and 2009. 
** p.47

* Abortions after the first trimester cost more because of the extra time, skill and resources required. The median charge for an abortion at 20 weeks’ gestation was $1,500, and charges across provider types and facility caseloads ranged from $1,100 to $1,650. &lt;br&gt; The median charge for early medication abortions was $490. Patterns in these charges by type of facility and caseload were similar to those for surgical abortions at 10 weeks, though the price difference between the lowest and highest cost facilities was smaller ($50). Notably, the median charge for this procedure was higher than that for surgical procedures at 10 weeks, perhaps because early medication abortion is a newer technology, and providers consider the cost of the drug an add-on to the cost 
of their services. This general difference in the median cost held across provider types and caseloads, with two exceptions: At physicians’ offices and at facilities with the smallest caseloads, a medication abortion cost less than a surgical procedure. These providers may specialize in medication abortion and, in turn, charge more for surgical abortion because it requires more training and specialized equipment.
** pp.47-48

* Exposure to antiabortion harassment was common among nonhospital abortion providers in 2008: Fifty-seven percent experienced at least one of six types of harassment (Table 7). Picketing was the most common form of harassment (reported by 55%), followed by picketing combined with blocking patient access to facilities (21%). Internet harassment was assessed for the first time in this survey, and 3% of providers reported that protesters had posted pictures of patients on the Internet. &lt;br&gt; The overwhelming majority of abortion clinics—88%—experienced at least one form of harassment in 2008. Eighty-seven percent reported picketing; 42% reported picketing with patient blocking, and 21% cited incidents of vandalism. Nearly two-thirds of other clinics reported 
any type of harassment, but only 10% of physicians’ offices did so. &lt;br&gt; Harassment was also commonly reported by facilities that performed 400 or more abortions per year (89%). In 2000, when harassment was last assessed, 82% of providers with this size caseload reported at least one of five forms of harassment,4 which suggests a slight increase over this period. (Internet harassment was not measured in 2000, but even when this item was excluded from the 2008 data, 89% of these providers experienced at least one type of harassment.) Additionally, between 2000 and 2008, the proportion of such providers reporting picketing increased from 80% to 88%, and the proportion reporting picketing with contact or blocking access increased from 28% to 37%; the proportion that received bomb threats declined from 15% to 5%. Almost all providers that performed 1,000 or more abortions had been picketed in 2008, and 63% of facilities that 
performed 5,000 or more abortions reported picketing that involved blocking or physical contact. Nearly one in five of the largest facilities reported a bomb threat. &lt;br&gt; The incidence of harassment varied by region; 85% of providers in the Midwest and 75% in the South experienced any form of harassment, compared with 48% and 44% in the Northeast and the West, respectively. All types of harassment were more common among facilities in the Midwest and the South than elsewhere. Levels of harassment did not vary by gestational age at which abortions were offered among providers that performed 400 or more per year (not shown).
** p.48

* The long-term national decline in abortion incidence has stalled and may have ended. Both the number of abortions and the abortion rate increased slightly between 2005 and 2008. Notably, the small change in abortion incidence at the national level masks substantial changes in some states. &lt;br&gt;Delaware’s abortion rate is twice the national average and reflects, in part, that residents of other states obtain abortions in Delaware. Out-of-state residents accounted for an estimated 25% of abortions performed in the state in 2004. However, the apparent dramatic increase in the 
state’s abortion incidence is probably spurious, because abortions in 2005 were underreported at one facility. In other states, shifts in abortion incidence may be partially explained by interstate dynamics. For example, the decrease in the number of abortions in New Jersey was paralleled by an increase in the number in neighboring Pennsylvania. In 2004, some 12% of abortions among Pennsylvania residents were obtained out of state, but this proportion may have dropped in 2008. 
Meanwhile, although the District of Columbia still has one of the highest abortion rates in the country, it had the greatest decrease in abortion rate between 2005 and 2008, while neighboring Virginia had an increase. Over this three-year period, the District of Columbia experienced a substantial decline in providers because several clinics closed. In 2004, almost one in five abortions in the District were obtained by nonresidents,9 and in more recent years women likely chose to obtain an abortion in their state of residence, or had no choice but to do so. Indeed, the increase in abortion incidence in Virginia may reflect that fewer of this state’s women traveled to the District to terminate their pregnancies, as well as that more women traveled from the District to Virginia for this purpose.&lt;br&gt; Changes in abortion incidence may also be due to developments within a state. For example, the abortion rate in Georgia increased 18% between 2005 and 2008. The state gained three large clinic providers (including an abortion clinic), but it lost five small providers (hospitals and physicians’ offices). As a result, the proportion of women of reproductive age who lived in counties without a provider declined by five percentage points from the 62% level found in 2005, and the shift in provider types may have increased access to services and, in turn, the abortion rate.
** pp.48-49

* Early medication abortion has become an integral part of abortion care. Although the proportion of providers offering this service increased only slightly between 2005 and 2008, both the number of early medication abortions and the proportion of all abortions accounted for by this method grew substantially. Mifepristone use has grown steadily since its introduction in the United States in 2000, and substantially in recent years. We found a large increase in the number of mifepristone-induced abortions, from 158,000 in 200712 to 187,000 in 2008. This increase over one year corresponds with recent usage estimates from the manufacturer and may suggest an increased reliance on this procedure.13 Early medication abortion appears to be particularly important for nonspecialized clinics; it accounted for 30% of all abortions at these facilities, and a minimum of 27% of nonspecialized clinics offered only early medication abortion services.
** p.49

* Most of our measures of accessibility of abortion services showed little change between 2005 and 2008. As in the earlier year, 35% of women of reproductive age lived in the 87% of counties that lacked a provider. The proportions of providers offering abortions at four weeks after a woman’s last menstrual period and at 24 weeks also remained stable. Furthermore, after adjustment for inflation, the average amount that women paid for a first-trimester surgical abortion increased by only $11 between 2006 and 2009. This small change was particularly notable given that medical price inflation has increased at a faster pace than inflation in other sectors. The moderate rise in abortion cost may be the result of overt efforts by providers to keep the procedure affordable, or given the increase in poverty among abortion patients, it may reflect that more women obtain abortions at facilities that charge the least.
** p.49

* Most nonhospital abortion providers experienced at least one form of harassment, and the proportion of large providers reporting any form of harassment increased slightly between 2000 and 2008. For the first time, we examined variations in harassment by provider type, caseload and region; virtually all abortion clinics and large facilities had experienced at least one form of harassment, as had at least three-quarters of providers in the Midwest and the South. Extreme forms of harassment lead to fewer abortion providers,3 and the relatively high levels of harassment in the South and Midwest may have contributed to both the decline in numbers of abortion providers and their relatively small numbers in these regions. &lt;br&gt; Media reports suggest that the economic recession that began in late 2007 has led to increased demands for abortion services. This study was unable to assess these claims, as the small increase in abortion incidence began 
before the recession.
** p.49

* Undercounting has likely become more pronounced over the last decade because of the integration of mifepristone for early medication abortion at facilities that do not offer surgical abortions. In particular, facilities that performed few abortions may have been reluctant to identify themselves as abortion providers and may not have responded to the survey mailed out by the distributor of mifepristone. &lt;br&gt; While these dynamics might influence statistics related 
to the total number of providers, facilities with larger caseloads—which account for the overwhelming majority of abortions—are more easily identified because they are typically known by other providers in their communities and advertise on the Internet and in the yellow pages.
** p.49

* While nationally it would appear that little has changed regarding abortion incidence, abortion is only part of the larger picture of unintended pregnancy, and information on unintended births is also needed. An increase in the rate of unintended births along with the abortion rate would indicate that unintended pregnancy is on the rise. Alternately, if the rate of unintended births decreased, then the slight increase in the abortion rate might indicate that abortion had become more accessible. Between 1994 and 2000, abortion rates increased among poor and low-income women, while they decreased among those with higher incomes;18 the fact that the representation of poor women among abortion patients increased between 2000 and 2008,10 while the abortion rate declined only slightly during this period, suggests that barriers to abortion services were reduced for this population. In the context of the economic recession that was occurring in 2008, their growing representation could also signify that increasing financial instability left low-income women less able to prevent unintended pregnancy or less well equipped to carry an unintended pregnancy to term. &lt;br&gt; Patterns in abortion incidence and number of providers have several public policy implications. Abortions are usually the result of unintended pregnancies; affordable family planning services need to be widely available to women and their partners to reduce the number of unintended pregnancies and, in turn, abortions. In addition, it is important to remove barriers to abortion services, especially for low-income women. Only 17 states use their own funds to cover all or most medically necessary abortions for women with Medicaid coverage. If more states did so, or if federal restrictions on Medicaid coverage for abortions were lifted, poor women could more easily access services when confronted with an unintended pregnancy. Harassment of abortion providers continues to be a problem, particularly in the Midwest and the South. More states need to enact and enforce laws that prohibit the most overt and damaging forms of harassment and allow access to this legal, needed and basic health care service.
**p.50

=== &quot;Abortion Incidence and Service Availability in the United States, 2017&quot; (2019) ===
&lt;small&gt; Jones, Rachel K.; Witwer, Elizabeth; Jerman, Jenna (2019).[https://www.guttmacher.org/report/abortion-incidence-service-availability-us-2017  &quot;Abortion Incidence and Service Availability in the United States, 2017&quot;]. ''Guttmacher Institute''. doi:10.1363/2019.30760. &lt;/small&gt;
* In 2017, an estimated 862,320 abortions were provided in clinical settings in the United States, representing a 7% decline since 2014 and the continuation of a long-term trend. &lt;br&gt; *The U.S. abortion rate dropped to 13.5 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 in 2017, the lowest rate recorded since abortion was legalized in 1973. Abortion rates fell in most states and in all four regions of the country. &lt;br&gt; *A total of 339,640 medication abortions occurred in 2017—about 39% of all abortions. &lt;br&gt; *As in previous years, clinics provided the overwhelming majority of U.S. abortions (95%), while private physicians’ offices and hospitals accounted for 5%.
* Although the number of state abortion restrictions continued to increase in the Midwest and South between 2014 and 2017, these restrictive policies do not appear to have been the primary driver of declining abortion rates. There was also no consistent relationship between increases or decreases in clinic numbers and changes in state abortion rates.  &lt;br&gt;* Fertility rates declined in almost all states between 2014 and 2017, and it is unlikely that the decline in abortion was due to an increase in unintended births. &lt;br&gt; *Factors that may have contributed to the decline in abortion were improvements in contraceptive use and increases in the number of individuals relying on self-managed abortions outside of a clinical setting.
* Abortion surveillance in the United States is an important public health indicator that is needed to estimate pregnancy rates, and it can also serve as a measure of access to reproductive health care. Between 2011 and 2014, the U.S. abortion rate declined from 16.9 to 14.6 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44, the lowest rate ever recorded and the continuation of a decades-long trend. Still, in 2014, almost one in five pregnancies ended in abortion, and given abortion rates in that year, an estimated one in four U.S. women will have an abortion in their lifetime. These statistics demonstrate that abortion is not uncommon. 
* The Supreme Court of the United States recognized the constitutional right to abortion in 1973 in Roe v. Wade. In the decades since, the Court has continued to affirm the fundamental right to abortion, including in 1992 in Planned Parenthood v. Casey and in 2016 in Whole Women’s Health v. Hellerstedt.3,4 Despite existing precedents, states have continued to find ways to restrict or ban abortion, enacting more than 227 restrictions between January 2014 and June 2019.5 More than a dozen cases challenging some of the most extreme restrictions—such as bans on abortions after six weeks’ gestation—currently have the potential to reach the Supreme Court, and the outcomes could pose significant challenges to the legal framework protecting abortion rights. If the Court undermines or overturns Roe v. Wade, this will likely exacerbate existing disparities in abortion access and may allow individual states to explicitly or effectively ban abortion altogether. Although prior research has not found state policy to be the primary driver of the decline in the national abortion rate, abortion bans would undoubtedly prevent many individuals from obtaining abortion care in clinical settings. &lt;br&gt; Documenting changes in the number of health care facilities that provide abortion is also an important activity, as the number of facilities can directly affect the availability and accessibility of care. In 2014, the vast majority (95%) of abortions were provided by clinic facilities, while 4% were provided by hospitals and 1% by private physicians’ offices. Between 2011 and 2014, the number of clinics providing abortions had declined by 6%. These declines were steepest in the Midwest and South (22% and 13%, respectively), regions that had also enacted the most abortion restrictions. Still, the 2014 study did not identify a clear association between changes in clinic numbers and state abortion rates between 2011 and 2014; for example, the declines in abortion rates in some states that had lost one-third or more of their clinic facilities mirrored, or were smaller than, the national decline. Updated national data suggest that the overall number of facilities providing abortion did not change much between 2014 and 2017, but state and regional patterns of clinic closures may reveal meaningful patterns in availability of and access to services over time.
* The total number of abortions, the abortion rate and the abortion ratio in the United States all declined between 2014 and 2017. In 2017, 862,320 abortions were provided in clinical settings, a 7% decline from 2014. The 2017 abortion rate of 13.5 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 represented an 8% decline from 2014. Just under one in five pregnancies (births and abortions), 18.4%, ended in abortion in 2017. &lt;br&gt; While abortion incidence and rates declined in most states, the degree of change varied substantially. Declines in abortion rates were largest in Delaware, Arkansas, West Virginia, Alabama and Virginia; most of these states also had abortion rates substantially lower than the national rate in 2014, so even a small change in this measure can seem large. Abortion rates increased in Mississippi, New Jersey, Minnesota, Georgia, Maryland and Wisconsin. While abortion rates declined in all four regions, the drop was steepest in the West (14%). Indeed, states considered to be supportive of abortion rights in 2017—including large states such as California and New York—accounted for 43% of all U.S. abortions in that year but 55% of the decline since 2014.&lt;br&gt; Areas with the highest abortion rates in 2017 were the District of Columbia, New Jersey, New York, Maryland and Florida. Rates were lowest in Wyoming, South Dakota, Kentucky, Idaho and Missouri. Notably, our study measures abortion by state of occurrence and does not account for individuals crossing state lines for abortion care; in the five states with the lowest rates, 28% or more of individuals go out of state to obtain abortions.
* In 2017, 1,587 health care facilities were known to have provided abortions, a 5% decline from 2014. Changes in the overall number of facilities over time varied by facility type. The number of hospitals providing abortions declined by 19%, from 638 to 518. This decrease was largely attributable to California, where 114 hospitals that provided 633 abortions in 2014 reported zero procedures in 2017 (data not shown). California hospitals accounted for the same proportion of abortions in the state in both years (5%).
* In 2017, 89% of U.S. counties did not have a clinic facility that provided abortion care, and 38% of women aged 15–44 lived in these counties; these figures are comparable to those found in 2014—90% and 39%, respectively. In five states, fewer than 10% of women lived in a county without a clinic facility: California, Connecticut, Hawaii, Nevada and New York. In Mississippi and Wyoming, more than 90% of women lived in a county without such a clinic.
* In 2017, 339,640 medication abortions were provided in nonhospital facilities, a 25% increase from 2014. Medication abortion accounted for 39% of all abortions. Assuming that health care providers followed the FDA-recommended regimen that allows mifepristone to be administered up to 10 weeks’ gestation, we estimate that 60% of all eligible abortions were early medication abortions (data not shown). The majority of medication abortions were provided by specialized clinics and at high-volume facilities (those with annual caseloads of more than 1,000 abortions).
* Between 2014 and 2017, abortions provided in clinical settings in the United States continued to decline. The 2017 rate of 13.5 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 is the lowest recorded since abortion was legalized nationally in 1973 and is 54% lower than the peak rate of 29.3 per 1,000 in 1980. The decline was seen across all four regions and most states. &lt;br&gt; One factor that can contribute to declines in abortion is a reduction in the number of facilities providing this care. While hospitals and physicians’ offices constituted a substantial share of abortion-providing facilities, the overwhelming majority of abortions, 95%, were provided by clinics
* All 10 states that had a meaningful increase in clinic numbers also showed declines in their abortion rates. Most of the new facilities, or facilities that had not previously provided abortions in these states, were nonspecialized clinics, suggesting that the concurrent expansion of abortion care and decrease in abortion rates was taking place in the context of an increase in comprehensive health care. &lt;br&gt; While the decline in the number of clinics providing abortion care in some states likely prevented some patients from obtaining wanted abortions, other factors also contributed to the decline in the abortion rate. Fertility rates declined in virtually all states between 2014 and 2017, suggesting that the drop in abortions was not compensated for by an increase in births. Rather, declines in reported abortions could be related to at least two other factors: self-managed abortion and a decline in pregnancy rates.
* The majority of patients obtaining abortions are poor or low-income, many lack health insurance that will cover the procedure, and many live in states with numerous abortion restrictions. &lt;br&gt; These factors, along with the increased accessibility of resources to help individuals safely self-manage their abortions outside of a clinical setting, likely account for some of the decline in abortions that we have documented. However, one national survey of U.S. adult women, conducted in 2017, found that only 1.4% reported ever having attempted to end a pregnancy on their own. Moreover, 24% of these instances had occurred prior to 2000, and only 28% were reported to have been successful. Abortion is underreported on surveys of this type, and the actual incidence may be higher, but it is nonetheless unlikely that even a substantial increase in self-managed abortion can account for the majority of the decline in abortion incidence nationally during the study period. &lt;br&gt; The decline in births and abortions also means that fewer people were getting pregnant. Improved contraceptive use is one factor that could have contributed to this change. The most recent national data suggest that between 2014 and 2016, the proportion of women aged 15–44 using long-acting reversible contraceptive methods increased by 23%, from 13% to 16%; levels of sterilization were 25% and 26%, respectively. Greater reliance on highly effective methods appears to have been balanced by a drop in the use of hormonal methods such as the pill and the injectable (Depo) which, combined, declined from 29% to 25% of all contraceptive use. Still, it is possible that a decline in contraceptive failures could have reduced the incidence of unintended pregnancy. Additionally, state-level efforts to increase access to long-acting reversible contraceptive methods may have had a measurable impact, particularly in states with higher-than-average abortion rates.
* Our study measured abortion by state of occurrence, but many patients cross state lines to obtain care. For example, CDC data for 2015 suggest that 28% of abortions reported to have occurred to residents of Idaho and 83% of those to residents of Wyoming were obtained in other states. Similarly, though the District of Columbia (DC) had the highest abortion rate in the country in 2017, the majority of abortions provided in DC in 2014 were for nonresidents, most commonly individuals from Maryland or Virginia.
* Declines in abortion were seen in all four regions of the United States, including in states with policy landscapes that were both restrictive toward and supportive of abortion rights. However, access to abortion, when measured by the number of clinic facilities in a state, has become more polarized across regions of the country. The overall number of clinics increased in the Northeast and the West but declined in the Midwest and the South; in addition, more states (all in the Midwest or the South) have only one clinic remaining. These patterns demonstrate that the existence of more clinic facilities does not necessarily translate to an increase in abortion rates. Rather, an increase in clinic numbers likely represents greater access to health care in general, enabling patients to travel shorter distances, obtain abortion care in nonspecialized settings and perhaps obtain contraceptive care more easily. &lt;br&gt; Medication abortion plays an integral role in abortion care, having accounted for 39% of all abortions in 2017 and more than half of abortions occurring prior to 10 weeks’ gestation. The availability of mifepristone not only allows some patients to choose between types of abortion procedure, but also lends itself to innovations in health care delivery models, such as telemedicine. For this reason, the landscape of abortion provision and access in the United States may change as these innovations spread. In addition, the increased availability of highly effective and affordable abortion pills via the internet has the potential to substantially increase access to abortion, for which future surveillance efforts will need to account. It will also be important to ensure that policies and funding promote access to all methods of abortion, so that people seeking this care are able to obtain the care that is best for them. &lt;br&gt; As abortion service delivery and utilization continue to be restricted at the state level, documentation of abortion incidence, abortion rates and numbers of service sites is necessary to establish baselines and measure trends in a changing health care landscape.

=== &quot;The Impact of State Mandatory Counseling and Waiting Period Laws on Abortion: A Literature Review&quot; (April 2009) ===
&lt;small&gt; Theodore J. Joyce; Stanley K. Henshaw; Amanda Dennis; Lawrence B. Finer; Kelly Blanchard (April 2009). [https://web.archive.org/web/20120316155239/http:/internationalfamilyplanningperspectives.org/pubs/MandatoryCounseling.pdf &quot;The Impact of State Mandatory Counseling and Waiting Period Laws on Abortion: A Literature Review&quot;] (PDF). Guttmacher Institute. Archived from the original (PDF) on 16 March 2012. Retrieved 31 December 2010.&lt;/small&gt;
* Proponents of mandatory counseling and waiting  period laws argue that the state has a duty to ensure that before a woman decides to terminate a pregnancy  she has been given ample time, after having been given  information about her pregnancy and abortion, to weigh her options. Those opposed to these laws argue that such  statutes are unneeded because physicians are required to obtain informed consent before all procedures (including abortion), that the laws impose an unnecessary burden on women who are seeking abortions and that women are able to make informed decisions about terminating a pregnancy without the imposition of a state-mandated waiting period. Opponents further argue that mandatory counseling and waiting period laws serve no medical purpose and are a ruse to decrease the accessibility of abortion.
** p.3

* Evaluators of mandatory counseling and waiting period laws face many of the same challenges that confront researchers of other state policies that affect access to abortion services, such as parental involvement laws and Medicaid financing of abortions.‡ For instance, national data on abortion compiled by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention are collected by state of occurrence and not by state of residence. Using abortion data by state of occurrence to evaluate a mandatory counseling and waiting period law can lead to spurious  findings if women leave their state of residence for an abortion, and if nonresidents stop coming into a state for the procedure, once the law is enforced. The problem is exacerbated by the relatively few states (seven*) that enforce the strictest form of a mandatory waiting period law—requiring in-person counseling at least 18 hours  prior to the procedure—since women can travel to nearby states if they want an abortion without a required delay. In addition, mandatory counseling and waiting period laws  affect women of all ages and incomes, not just minors or those eligible for Medicaid. However, older, nonpoor women have more education and are more likely to have independent income, their own means of transportation and other resources that could make accessing services in other states a more feasible option. For the results of an evaluation to be valid, therefore, researchers should demonstrate that few women left their state of residence to obtain an abortion in response to laws of this kind, or if they did, the researcher must be able to include in the analysis abortions obtained by a state’s residents in other states.
** pp.3-4

* Distinguishing short-term from longer-term effects of a law is another challenge. A mandatory counseling and waiting period law may cause an initial drop in abortion rate or a rise in the rate of second-trimester abortions. However, as more women become aware of the law and as more clinics improve scheduling and administration of the counseling, the “costs” associated with compliance may fall, along with the law’s impact on outcomes. In any case, it is very difficult to credibly link longer-term declines in abortion or the timing of abortion to the impact of a law, given the likelihood of confounding from other factors that influence abortion rates.
** p.5

* Early qualitative assessments of experiences with mandatory counseling and waiting period laws found that abortion patients and providers were burdened in multiple ways by the legislation. Women who had obtained an abortion described negative physical and mental health consequences, such as physical discomfort and mental distress. Women also reported increased burdens from having to visit clinics multiple times and having to travel out of state to a provider who was not affected by such laws. Interviews with providers suggested that many struggled to adjust to the laws immediately after implementation. These early findings make intuitive sense, as any change in this type of regulation will have some effect on providers and patients, particularly as the logistics of meeting the new requirements are being worked out. But it is important to note that these studies were conducted in a limited geographic area and included a relatively small number of women and providers. Despite the limited generalizability of these qualitative studies, they are valuable because they are the only ones to evaluate mandatory counseling and waiting period laws using such methods.
** p.15

* The results from Mississippi were the most convincing. Overall, the state’s mandatory counseling and waiting period statute—with its requirement that all counseling be done in person 24 hours prior to an induced termination—was associated with a decline in the abortion rate, a rise in abortions obtained out of state and an increase in the proportion of second-trimester abortions. These findings were consistent across three studies, each with a distinct research design.
** p.15

* The broader analyses that included data from all available states found that counseling and waiting period laws had no impact on abortion rates or birthrates. Most laws are less demanding than that of Mississippi, and it is probably safe to conclude that if they affect reproductive outcomes, the effect is not large. However, the possibility of unmeasured confounding variables and other limitations of the studies preclude ruling out small effects. A corollary finding is that mandatory counseling also has little effect on women’s abortion decisions. Since states require that specific information be provided to the woman before the waiting period, if the delay has no effect, then neither does the mandated counseling.
** p.15

* We conclude that mandatory counseling and waiting period laws that require an additional in-person visit before the procedure likely increase both the personal and the financial costs of obtaining an abortion, thereby preventing some women from accessing abortion services. If neighboring states have similar laws, so that access to an abortion provider who does not require this strict form of waiting period requires extensive travel, then such laws are likely to lower abortion rates, delay women who are seeking abortions and result in a higher proportion of second-trimester abortions. Laws that allow mandatory counseling to be delivered over the Internet or by mail or telephone impose lower costs on both patients and providers, and neither the waiting period requirement nor the counseling appears to have a large impact on reproductive outcomes. However, by definition such statutes do cause some delay, and the one study that addressed this issue found a 41% increase in the rate of second-trimester abortions.6 While this might not be an accurate measure of the magnitude of the effect, it is likely that some abortions are delayed to the second trimester.
** p.15

=== &quot;Alabama governor signs nation's most restrictive anti-abortion bill into law&quot; (May 15, 2019) ===
&lt;small&gt; Kelly, Caroline (May 15, 2019). [https://www.cnn.com/2019/05/15/politics/alabama-governor-signs-bill/index.html &quot;Alabama governor signs nation's most restrictive anti-abortion bill into law&quot;]. CNN. Retrieved May 15, 2019. &lt;/small&gt;
* Alabama Gov. Kay Ivey on Wednesday signed into law a controversial abortion bill that could punish doctors who perform abortions with life in prison. &lt;br&gt; “Today, I signed into law the Alabama Human Life Protection Act, a bill that was approved by overwhelming majorities in both chambers of the Legislature,” said Ivey, a Republican, in a statement. “To the bill’s many supporters, this legislation stands as a powerful testament to Alabamians’ deeply held belief that every life is precious and that every life is a sacred gift from God.”  &lt;br&gt; The Alabama Senate passed the bill 25-6 late Tuesday night. The law only allows exceptions “to avoid a serious health risk to the unborn child’s mother,” for ectopic pregnancy and if the “unborn child has a lethal anomaly.”  
* “No matter one’s personal view on abortion, we can all recognize that, at least for the short term, this bill may similarly be unenforceable,” Ivey wrote. “As citizens of this great country, we must always respect the authority of the U.S. Supreme Court even when we disagree with their decisions. Many Americans, myself included, disagreed when Roe v. Wade was handed down in 1973. The sponsors of this bill believe that it is time, once again, for the U.S. Supreme Court to revisit this important matter, and they believe this act may bring about the best opportunity for this to occur.” 
* Republican state Sen. Clyde Chambliss, who ushered the bill through the chamber, repeatedly referred on the Senate floor Tuesday to a “window” of time between conception and when a woman knows for certain that she’s pregnant. The state senator said he believed that time was between about seven and 10 days.  &lt;br&gt; Yashica Robinson, an obstetrician at the Alabama Women’s Center for Reproductive Alternatives who provides abortion services, said the law would have a “devastating impact” on patients. She said that she was unclear under what circumstances the law would allow an abortion based on “reasonable medical judgment” and health of the mother.  &lt;br&gt; “I’m not clear about exactly what that means,” Robinson said on CNN’s “Anderson Cooper 360.” “I’ve already met instances where it is difficult for us to determine those things in the health care setting now, and it has resulted in delays in care.” 
* The bill’s passage Tuesday night elicited a wave of protest from a slew of Democrats, including 2020 hopefuls, and celebrities.  &lt;br&gt; Washington Gov. Jay Inslee, Minnesota Sen. Amy Klobuchar, Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders and former Texas Rep. Beto O’Rourke all ripped the legislation as unconstitutional. New Jersey Sen. Cory Booker, California Rep. Eric Swalwell, former Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper, and Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren vowed to protect Roe.  &lt;br&gt; New York Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand announced that she was headed to Georgia to “fight back, hard, on the frontlines” against “the greatest threat to reproductive freedom in our lifetimes.”  &lt;br&gt; Former Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton called the bill an example of “appalling attacks on women’s lives and fundamental freedoms.” 
* American Civil Liberties Union of Alabama Executive Director Randall Marshall promised Ivey a lawsuit, slamming the governor for the anticipated legal costs that the legislation would mean for the state from court challenges.  Br&gt; “By signing this bill, the governor and her colleagues in the state legislature have decided to waste millions in Alabama taxpayer dollars in order to defend a bill that is simply a political effort to overturn 46 years of precedent that has followed the Supreme Court’s Roe v. Wade decision,” he wrote in a statement Wednesday. &lt;br&gt; “We will not allow that to happen, and we will see them in court,” Marshall added. “Despite the governor signing this bill, clinics will remain open, and abortion is still a safe, legal medical procedure at all clinics in Alabama.” &lt;br&gt; Marshall told CNN on Tuesday before the bill’s Senate passage that his organization would join with the national ACLU, Planned Parenthood and Planned Parenthood Southeast to challenge the measure in court within “a few weeks” should it become law. 
*Staci Fox, president of Planned Parenthood Southeast, reiterated promises of a court challenge. &lt;br&gt; “We vowed to fight this dangerous abortion ban every step of the way and we meant what we said,” Fox told CNN. “We haven’t lost a case in Alabama yet and we don’t plan to start now.” 

=== &quot;Illinois governor signs sweeping abortion protection bill into law&quot;  (June 12, 2019) ===
&lt;small&gt; Caroline Kelly (June 12, 2019). [https://www.cnn.com/2019/06/12/politics/illinois-governor-signs-abortion-protection-law/index.html &quot;Illinois governor signs sweeping abortion protection bill into law&quot;]. CNN. &lt;/small&gt;
* Democratic Illinois Gov. JB Pritzker signed a sweeping abortion access protection bill into law Wednesday.  &lt;br&gt; “Today we proudly proclaim that in this state, we trust women,” Pritzker said at a bill signing event at the Chicago Cultural Center. “And in Illinois we guarantee as a fundamental right a woman’s right to choose.” 
* The Illinois bill, effective immediately, protects an individual’s “fundamental right to make autonomous decisions about one’s own reproductive health,” including to continue a “pregnancy and give birth or to have an abortion.”  &lt;br&gt; The bill repeals the Illinois Abortion Law of 1975, which punished doctors for abortions not deemed “necessary,” as well as the the state’s Partial-birth Abortion Ban Act. It also establishes “that a fertilized egg, embryo, or fetus does not have independent rights under the law, of this State.”  &lt;br&gt; Pritzker praised the bill as a safeguard against federal abortion restrictions and expressly welcomed women from states limiting reproductive care to seek care in Illinois.  &lt;br&gt; The bill “ensures that women’s rights do not hinge on Roe V. Wade or the whims of an increasingly conservative supreme court in Washington,” he said.  &lt;br&gt; He later urged states that have pushed forward abortion bans to “change their minds” and “revisit the issue.”  &lt;br&gt; “But Illinois knows where we stand and we’re going to be here for women if they have to be refugees from other states,” he added. 
* State lawmakers Wednesday touted Illinois as a beacon of support for reproductive health in light of recent restrictions by nearby states such as Missouri – and their possible future implications – on abortion access.  &lt;br&gt; Democratic state Rep. Kelly Cassidy, who sponsored the bill in the House, said Wednesday that with the bill’s signing, “we are building a firewall around Illinois to protect access to reproductive healthcare for everyone.” &lt;br&gt; Bill co-sponsor Democratic state Sen. Melinda Bush said that “we want to make sure that Illinoisans can now rest assured – regardless of what happens at the federal level, they’ll have access to comprehensive” reproductive care.  &lt;br&gt; She also urged other states to “#belikeIllinois and trust women,” she said, adding that lawmakers would ask “every other state legislature to take this up.” 
* Pro-life advocates have criticized the bill. The Thomas More Society, a pro-life law firm based in Chicago, characterized the bill as “legalizing the death penalty, with no possibility of appeal, for viable unborn preemies.”  &lt;br&gt; Former Illinois Representative and Thomas More Society Vice President Peter Breen slammed the measure as “the most radical sweeping pro-abortion measure in America and makes Illinois an abortion destination for the country.” 
* The bill passed the state Senate by a 34-20 vote last month, with Bush describing the bill as a safeguard against the “real possibility” of an attempt to overturn Roe.  &lt;br&gt; Pritzker has consistently backed the bill, urging the Senate to pass it after the state House did so by a 64-50 vote and expressing anticipation to sign in.  &lt;br&gt; “With reproductive healthcare under attack across the country, we must do everything in our power to protect women’s rights in Illinois,” he tweeted at the time, adding, “Today was a major step forward for every woman in this state and I look forward (to) continuing my work as an ally by signing the Reproductive Healthcare Act into law.” 

=== &quot;CHARTS: How Roe v. Wade changed abortion rights&quot; (January 22, 2013) ===
&lt;small&gt; Kliff, Sarah, [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2013/01/22/charts-how-roe-v-wade-changed-abortion-rights/ &quot;CHARTS: How Roe v. Wade changed abortion rights&quot;]. The Washington Post, (January 22, 2013). &lt;/small&gt;
* Today marks the 40th anniversary of Roe v. Wade, the landmark Supreme Court decision that made abortion a legal right. The decision was transformational: Overnight, abortion went from being banned by all but a handful of states to being legal in all 50. Movements quickly built up in defense, and opposition, of the ruling. &lt;br&gt; Forty years later, a lot has changed. While the Roe decision still stands, abortion opponents have made significant gains passing restrictions on abortion access. There are fewer abortion providers than there were in 1973 and fewer clinics. 
* Legal abortion rates increased significantly following the Roe decision but have declined for the past three decades.  &lt;br&gt; In 1973, Roe v. Wade legalized first-trimester, elective abortion and also gave some protections to terminations later in the pregnancy. Abortion rates climbed after the decision, a trend that had started in the late 1960s, as states began liberalizing their abortion laws. &lt;br&gt; Abortion rates have now been declining since the 1980s and hit an all-time low in 2009, the most recent year for which data is available.
* The number of abortion providers has declined steadily since the mid-1970s, although looks to have held relatively steady in the late 2000s. &lt;br&gt; Ever since the early 1980s, the number of doctors performing abortions has steadily declined. A number of factors likely contribute to this trend, including state-level abortion restrictions and a wave of violence against abortion providers in the 1990s, when five were killed. The decrease in abortion providers has correlated with a decrease in the rate of abortions.
* Abortion has become increasingly concentrated among low-income, minority women. &lt;br&gt; Over the past four decades, the demographics of abortion have shifted significantly. In 1973, white women accounted for over three-quarters of all abortions. Now, that number hovers just below 60 percent.
* A wave of abortion restrictions passed in 2011, followed by a steep drop in 2012. &lt;br&gt;  Roe provides widespread protections to elective abortions in the first trimester of pregnancy. But in later rulings, the Supreme Court has allowed states to restrict access to abortion. Since them, states have increasingly done so. In 2011, states passed 92 laws restricting abortion access, more than double the restrictions passed in any other year. The number dropped to 43 in 2012 - fewer than in 2011, but still higher than any other year prior.
* Most abortion restrictions target minors or focus on delaying the procedure with a waiting period. &lt;br&gt; States have gravitated towards a handful of abortion restrictions that appear to pass muster with the Supreme Court. Waiting periods and parental notifications became more frequent in the 1990s, after the Supreme Court ruled that such restrictions did not represent an &quot;undue burden&quot; on the woman.

=== &quot;Abortion Surveillance — United States, 2018&quot; (2020) ===
&lt;small&gt; Kortsmit, K; Jatlaoui, TC; Mandel, MG (2020). [https://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/volumes/69/ss/ss6907a1.htm?s_cid=ss6907a1_w  &quot;Abortion Surveillance — United States, 2018&quot;]. MMWR. Surveillance Summaries. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. 69 (7): 1–29. doi:10.15585/mmwr.ss6907a1. PMC 7713711. PMID 33237897. &lt;/small&gt;
* Results: A total of 619,591 abortions for 2018 were reported to CDC from 49 reporting areas. Among 48 reporting areas with data each year during 2009–2018, in 2018, a total of 614,820 abortions were reported, the abortion rate was 11.3 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years, and the abortion ratio was 189 abortions per 1,000 live births. From 2017 to 2018, the total number of abortions and abortion rate increased 1% (from 609,095 total abortions and from 11.2 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years, respectively), and the abortion ratio increased 2% (from 185 abortions per 1,000 live births). From 2009 to 2018, the total number of reported abortions, abortion rate, and abortion ratio decreased 22% (from 786,621), 24% (from 14.9 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years), and 16% (from 224 abortions per 1,000 live births), respectively. &lt;br&gt; In 2018, women in their 20s accounted for more than half of abortions (57.7%). In 2018 and during 2009–2018, women aged 20–24 and 25–29 years accounted for the highest percentages of abortions; in 2018, they accounted for 28.3% and 29.4% of abortions, respectively, and had the highest abortion rates (19.1 and 18.5 per 1,000 women aged 20–24 and 25–29 years, respectively). By contrast, adolescents aged &lt;15 years and women aged ≥40 years accounted for the lowest percentages of abortions (0.2% and 3.6%, respectively) and had the lowest abortion rates (0.4 and 2.6 per 1,000 women aged &lt;15 and ≥40 years, respectively). However, abortion ratios in 2018 and throughout 2009–2018 were highest among adolescents (aged ≤19 years) and lowest among women aged 25–39 years. Abortion rates decreased from 2009 to 2018 for all women, regardless of age. The decrease in abortion rate was highest among adolescents compared with women in any other age group. From 2009 to 2013, the abortion rates decreased for all age groups and from 2014 to 2018, the abortion rates decreased for all age groups, except for women aged 30–34 years and those aged ≥40 years. In addition, from 2017 to 2018, abortion rates did not change or decreased among women aged ≤24 and ≥40 years; however, the abortion rate increased among women aged 25–39 years. Abortion ratios also decreased from 2009 to 2018 among all women, except adolescents aged &lt;15 years. The decrease in abortion ratio was highest among women aged ≥40 years compared with women in any other age group. The abortion ratio decreased for all age groups from 2009 to 2013; however, from 2014 to 2018, abortion ratios only decreased for women aged ≥35 years. From 2017 to 2018, abortion ratios increased for all age groups, except women aged ≥40 years. In 2018, approximately three fourths (77.7%) of abortions were performed at ≤9 weeks’ gestation, and nearly all (92.2%) were performed at ≤13 weeks’ gestation. In 2018, and during 2009–2018, the percentage of abortions performed at &gt;13 weeks’ gestation remained consistently low (≤9.0%). In 2018, the highest proportion of abortions were performed by surgical abortion at ≤13 weeks’ gestation (52.1%), followed by early medical abortion at ≤9 weeks’ gestation (38.6%), surgical abortion at &gt;13 weeks’ gestation (7.8%), and medical abortion at &gt;9 weeks’ gestation (1.4%); all other methods were uncommon (&lt;0.1%). Among those that were eligible (≤9 weeks’ gestation), 50.0% of abortions were early medical abortions. In 2017, the most recent year for which PMSS data were reviewed for pregnancy-related deaths, two women were identified to have died as a result of complications from legal induced abortion.
* Interpretation: Among the 48 areas that reported data continuously during 2009–2018, decreases were observed during 2009–2017 in the total number, rate, and ratio of reported abortions, and these decreases resulted in historic lows for this period for all three measures. These decreases were followed by 1%–2% increases across all measures from 2017 to 2018.
* After nationwide legalization of abortion in 1973, the total number, rate (number of abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years), and ratio (number of abortions per 1,000 live births) of reported abortions increased rapidly, reaching the highest levels in the 1980s, before decreasing at a slow yet steady pace. During 2006–2008, a break occurred in the previously sustained pattern of decrease, although this break has been followed in subsequent years by even greater decreases. Nonetheless, throughout the years, abortion incidence continues to vary across subpopulations. Continued surveillance is needed to monitor changes in abortion incidence in the United States.
* Among the 49 reporting areas that provided data for 2018, a total of 619,591 abortions were reported. Of these abortions, 614,820 (99.2%) were from 48 reporting areas that provided data every year for 2009–2018. In 2018, these continuously reporting areas had an abortion rate of 11.3 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years and an abortion ratio of 189 abortions per 1,000 live births. In 2017, the total number, rate, and ratio of reported abortions decreased to historic lows for the period of analysis for all three measures. From 2017 to 2018, the total number of reported abortions and abortion rate increased 1% (from 609,095 to 614,820 total abortions and from 11.2 to 11.3 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years), and the abortion ratio increased 2% (from 185 to 189 abortions per 1,000 live births). From 2009 to 2018, the total number of reported abortions decreased 22% (from 786,621), the abortion rate decreased 24% (from 14.9 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years), and the abortion ratio decreased 16% (from 224 abortions per 1,000 live births). &lt;br&gt; In 2018, a considerable range existed in abortion rates by reporting area of occurrence (from 2.4 to 26.8 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years in South Dakota and New York City) and abortion ratios (from 32 to 518 abortions per 1,000 live births in South Dakota and the District of Columbia). The percentage of abortions obtained by out-of-state residents also varied among reporting areas (from 0.4% in Arizona to 65.4% in the District of Columbia). Overall, 0.9% of abortions were reported to CDC with unknown residence.
* Among the 48 areas that reported abortion numbers by women’s age for 2018, women in their 20s accounted for the majority (57.7%) of abortions and had the highest abortion rates (19.1 and 18.5 abortions per 1,000 women aged 20–24 and 25–29 years, respectively). Women in the youngest (&lt;15 years) and oldest (≥40 years) age groups accounted for the smallest percentages of abortions (0.2% and 3.6%, respectively) and had the lowest abortion rates (0.4 and 2.6 abortions per 1,000 women aged &lt;15 and ≥40 years, respectively). In contrast, abortion ratios in 2018 were lowest among women aged 25–39 years (126–189 per 1,000 live births).
* Among the 44 reporting areas that provided data each year by women’s age for 2009–2018, this pattern across age groups was stable, with the majority of abortions and the highest abortion rates occurring among women aged 20–29 years and the lowest percentages of abortions and abortion rates occurring among women in the youngest and oldest age groups. From 2009 to 2018, abortion rates decreased among all age groups, although the decreases for adolescents (64% and 55% for adolescents aged &lt;15 and 15–19 years, respectively) were greater than the decreases for women in all older age groups. From 2009 to 2013, the abortion rates decreased for all age groups, and from 2014 to 2018, the abortion rates decreased for all age groups except women aged 30–34 years and ≥40 years. From 2017 to 2018, abortion rates did not change or decreased among women aged ≤24 and ≥40 years; however, the abortion rate increased among women aged 25–39 years. During 2009–2018, abortion ratios decreased among women in all age groups, except for adolescents aged &lt;15 years. The abortion ratio decreased for all age groups from 2009 to 2013; however, from 2014 to 2018, abortion ratios only decreased for women aged ≥35 years. From 2017 to 2018, abortion ratios increased for all age groups, except women aged ≥40 years. &lt;br&gt; Among the 46 areas that reported women’s age by individual year among adolescents for 2018, adolescents aged 18–19 years accounted for the majority (69.7%) of adolescent abortions and had the highest adolescent abortion rates (8.6 and 12.2 abortions per 1,000 adolescents aged 18 and 19 years, respectively). Adolescents aged &lt;15 years accounted for the smallest percentage of adolescent abortions (2.5%) and had the lowest adolescent abortion rate (0.4 abortions per 1,000 adolescents aged 13–14 years). In 2018, the abortion ratio for adolescents was highest among adolescents aged &lt;15 years (833 abortions per 1,000 live births) and was lowest among adolescents aged ≥17 years (336, 346, and 284 abortions per 1,000 live births among adolescents aged 17, 18, and 19 years, respectively).
* Among the 31 areas that reported race/ethnicity data for 2018, non-Hispanic White women and non-Hispanic Black women accounted for the largest percentages of all abortions (38.7% and 33.6%, respectively), and Hispanic women and non-Hispanic women in the other race category accounted for smaller percentages (20.0% and 7.7%, respectively). Non-Hispanic White women had the lowest abortion rate (6.3 abortions per 1,000 women) and ratio (110 abortions per 1,000 live births), and non-Hispanic Black women had the highest abortion rate (21.2 abortions per 1,000 women) and ratio (335 abortions per 1,000 live births).
* Among the 42 areas that reported by marital status for 2018, 14.8% of women who obtained an abortion were married, and 85.2% were unmarried. The abortion ratio was 44 abortions per 1,000 live births for married women and 378 abortions per 1,000 live births for unmarried women.
* Data from the 43 areas that reported the number of previous live births for women who obtained abortions in 2018 indicate that 40.7%, 24.8%, 19.8%, and 14.7% of these women had zero, one, two, or three or more previous live births, respectively. Data from the 40 areas that reported the number of previous abortions for women who obtained abortions in 2018 indicate that the majority (59.9%) had previously had no abortions, 23.9% had previously had one abortion, 9.9% had previously had two abortions, and 6.4% had previously had three or more abortions.
* Among the 42 areas that reported gestational age at the time of abortion for 2018, approximately three fourths (77.7%) of abortions were performed at ≤9 weeks’ gestation, and nearly all (92.2%) were performed at ≤13 weeks’ gestation. Fewer abortions were performed at 14–20 weeks’ gestation (6.9%) or at ≥21 weeks’ gestation (1.0%). Among the 34 reporting areas that provided data every year on gestational age for 2009–2018, the percentage of abortions performed at ≤13 weeks’ gestation changed negligibly, from 91.8% to 91.5%. However, within this gestational age range, a shift occurred toward earlier gestational ages, with the percentage of abortions performed at ≤6 weeks’ gestation increasing 8% and the percentage of abortions performed at 7–9 weeks’ and 10–13 weeks’ gestation decreasing 2% and 14%, respectively. During 2009–2018, abortions performed at &gt;13 weeks’ gestation accounted for ≤9.0% of abortions. Among the 45 areas that reported by method type for 2018 and included medical abortion on their reporting form, 52.1% of abortions were surgical abortions at ≤13 weeks’ gestation, 38.6% were early medical abortions (a nonsurgical abortion at ≤9 weeks’ gestation), 7.8% were surgical abortions at &gt;13 weeks’ gestation, and 1.4% were medical abortions at &gt;9 weeks’ gestation; other methods, including intrauterine instillation and hysterectomy/hysterotomy, were both uncommon (&lt;0.1%). Among the 37 reporting areas*** that included medical abortion on their reporting form and provided these data for the relevant years of comparison, use of early medical abortion increased 9% from 2017 to 2018 (from 34.7% of abortions to 37.7%) and 120% from 2009 to 2018 (from 17.1% of abortions to 37.7%). Increases in early medical abortion occurred both from 2009 to 2013 (from 17.1% of abortions to 22.7% [33% increase]) and from 2014 to 2018 (from 23.3% of abortions to 37.7% [62% increase]).
* Among the 40 areas that reported abortions categorized by individual weeks of gestation and method type, surgical abortion accounted for the largest percentage of abortions within every gestational age category, except ≤6 weeks’ gestation. At ≤6 weeks’ gestation, surgical abortion accounted for 45.1% of abortions. Surgical abortion accounted for 55.3% of abortions at 7–9 weeks’ gestation, 93.8%–98.4% of abortions at 10–20 weeks’ gestation, and 91.9% of abortions at ≥21 weeks’ gestation. In contrast, medical abortion accounted for 54.9% of abortions at ≤6 weeks’ gestation, 44.7% of abortions at 7–9 weeks’ gestation, 6.2% of abortions at 10–13 weeks’ gestation, 1.5%–3.2% of abortions at 14–20 weeks’ gestation, and 7.2% of abortions at ≥21 weeks’ gestation. For each gestational age category (if applicable), abortions performed by intrauterine instillation or hysterectomy/hysterotomy were rare (&lt;0.1%–0.8% of abortions).
* In selected reporting areas, abortions that were categorized by weeks of gestation were further categorized by age and race/ethnicity. In every subgroup for these characteristics, the largest percentage of abortions occurred at ≤9 weeks’ gestation. In 42 reporting areas, by age, 55.1% of adolescents aged &lt;15 years and 71.5% of adolescents aged 15–19 years obtained an abortion at ≤9 weeks’ gestation, compared with ≥76.8% among age groups aged ≥20 years. Conversely, 21.7% of adolescents aged &lt;15 years and 10.3% of adolescents aged 15–19 years obtained an abortion after 13 weeks’ gestation, compared with 7.3%–8.0% for women in older age groups. In 30 reporting areas, by race/ethnicity, 73.3% of non-Hispanic Black women obtained an abortion at ≤9 weeks’ gestation, compared with 79.6%–81.5% of women from other racial/ethnic groups. Differences in abortions after 13 weeks’ gestation across race/ethnicity were minimal (8.8% for non-Hispanic Black women, compared with 6.5%–8.1% for women in the remaining racial/ethnic groups).
* The annual number of deaths related to legal induced abortion has fluctuated from year to year since 1973. Because of this variability and the relatively limited number of deaths related to legal induced abortions every year, national legal abortion case-fatality rates were calculated for consecutive 5-year periods during 1973–2017. The national legal induced abortion case-fatality rate for 2013–2017 was 0.44 legal induced abortion-related deaths per 100,000 reported legal abortions. This case-fatality rate was lower than the rates for the preceding 5-year periods.
* For 2018, a total of 619,591 abortions were reported to CDC by 49 areas. Of these reporting areas, 48 submitted data every year for 2009–2018, thus providing the information necessary for consistently reporting trends. Among these 48 areas, for 2018, the abortion rate was 11.3 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years, and the abortion ratio was 189 abortions per 1,000 live births. Although the rate of reported abortions declined overall from 2009 to 2018, from 2017 to 2018, the number and rate of reported abortions increased 1%, and the abortion ratio increased 2%.
* Among areas that reported data continuously by age from 2009 to 2018, women in their 20s accounted for the majority of abortions and had the highest abortion rates, whereas adolescents aged ≤19 years had the lowest abortion rates. During 2009–2018, women aged ≥40 years accounted for a relatively small proportion of reported abortions (≤3.7%). However, the abortion ratio among women aged ≥40 years continues to be higher than among women aged 25–39 years. These data underscore important age differences in abortion measures.
* The adolescent abortion trends described in this report are important for monitoring progress that has been made toward reducing adolescent pregnancies in the United States. From 2009 to 2018, national birth data indicate that the birth rate for adolescents aged 15–19 years decreased 54% (44,55), and the data in this report indicate that the abortion rate for the same age group decreased 55%. These findings highlight that decreases in adolescent births in the United States have been accompanied by large decreases in adolescent abortions.
* As in previous years, abortion rates and ratios differ across racial/ethnic groups. For example, in 2018, compared with non-Hispanic White women, abortion rates and ratios were 3.4 and 3.0 times higher among non-Hispanic Black women and 1.7 and 1.4 times higher among Hispanic women. Similar differences have been demonstrated in other U.S.-based research. The comparatively higher abortion rates and ratios among non-Hispanic Black women have been attributed to higher unintended pregnancy rates and a greater percentage of unintended pregnancies ending in abortion in this group. The complex factors contributing to differences to ensure equitable access to quality family planning services need to be identified.
* In 2018, the majority of abortions occurred early in gestation (≤9 weeks), when the risks for complications are lowest. In addition, over the last 10 years, approximately three fourths of abortions were performed at ≤9 weeks’ gestation, and this percentage increased from 74.2% in 2009 to 76.2% in 2018. Moreover, among the areas that reported abortions at ≤13 weeks’ gestation by individual week, the distribution of abortions by gestational age continued to shift toward earlier weeks of gestation, with the percentage of early abortions performed at ≤6 weeks’ gestation increasing from 33.6% in 2009 to 36.2% in 2018. &lt;br&gt; From 2009 to 2018, the percentage of abortions performed at &gt;13 weeks’ gestation did not change appreciably, remaining at ≤9.0%. Previous research indicates that the distribution of abortions by gestational age differs by various sociodemographic characteristics. In this report, the percentage of adolescents aged ≤19 years who obtained abortions at &gt;13 weeks’ gestation was higher than the percentage of women in older age groups who obtained abortions. Multiple factors might influence the gestational age when abortions are performed. &lt;br&gt; The trend of obtaining abortions earlier in pregnancy has been facilitated by changes in abortion practices. Research conducted in the United States during the 1970s indicated that surgical abortion procedures performed at ≤6 weeks’ gestation, compared with 7–12 weeks’ gestation, were less likely to result in successful termination of the pregnancy. However, subsequent advances in technology (e.g., improved transvaginal ultrasonography and sensitivity of pregnancy tests) have allowed very early surgical abortions to be performed with completion rates exceeding 97%. Likewise, the development of early medical abortion regimens has allowed for abortions to be performed early in gestation, with completion rates for regimens that combine mifepristone and misoprostol reaching 96%–98%. In 2018, 77.7% of all reported abortions were ≤9 weeks’ gestation thus were eligible for early medical abortion; of these, 50.0% were reported as medical abortions. Moreover, among areas that included medical abortion on their reporting form, the percentage of all abortions performed by early medical abortion increased 120% from 2009 to 2018.
* The national legal induced abortion case-fatality rate for 2013–2017 was fewer than 1 per 100,000 abortions, as it was for all the previous 5-year periods since the late 1970s, demonstrating the low risk for death associated with legal induced abortion.
* Ongoing surveillance of legal induced abortion is important for several reasons. First, abortion surveillance can be used to help evaluate programs aimed at preventing unintended pregnancies. Although pregnancy intentions can be difficult to assess, abortion surveillance provides an important indicator of unintended pregnancies because up to 42% of unintended pregnancies in the United States end in abortion. Efforts to help women avoid unintended pregnancies might reduce the number of abortions. Second, routine abortion surveillance is needed to assess trends in clinical practice patterns over time. Information in this report on the number of abortions performed through different methods (e.g., medical or surgical) and at different gestational ages provides the denominator data that are necessary for analyses of the relative safety of abortion practices. Finally, information on the number of pregnancies ending in abortion is needed in conjunction with data on births and fetal losses to estimate the number of pregnancies in the United States and determine rates for various outcomes of public health importance (e.g., adolescent pregnancies).
* Approximately 18% of all pregnancies in the United States end in induced abortion. Multiple factors influence the incidence of abortion, including access to health care services and contraception; the availability of abortion providers; state regulations, such as mandatory waiting periods, parental involvement laws, and legal restrictions on abortion providers; increasing acceptance of nonmarital childbearing; and changes in the economy and the resulting impact on fertility and contraceptive use.

=== &quot;Supreme Court declines to hear Kentucky ultrasound law&quot; (December 9, 2019) ===
&lt;small&gt; John Kruzel, [https://thehill.com/regulation/court-battles/473642-supreme-court-declines-to-hear-kentucky-ultrasound-law/ &quot;Supreme Court declines to hear Kentucky ultrasound law&quot;]. “The Hill”, December 9, 2019. &lt;/small&gt;
* The Supreme Court has declined to hear a challenge to a Kentucky law that obligates doctors to show and describe ultrasounds to women who seek abortions, even if patients object. &lt;br&gt; The justices’ decision not to take up the case leaves intact a federal appeals court ruling that upheld the law against a First Amendment challenge that claimed the measure abridged doctors’ freedom of speech. &lt;br&gt; The Kentucky Ultrasound Informed Consent Act requires physicians, prior to an abortion, to perform an ultrasound, describe and display its images to the patient, and make the fetal heartbeat audible.
* The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU), which brought the case on behalf of the challengers, lamented the justices’ denial of review. &lt;br&gt; “This law is not only unconstitutional, but as leading medical experts and ethicists explained, deeply unethical,” said Alexa Kolbi-Molinas, senior staff attorney at the ACLU Reproductive Freedom Project. “We are extremely disappointed that the Supreme Court will allow this blatant violation of the First Amendment and fundamental medical ethics to stand.”
* The anti-abortion nonprofit group Students for Life, meanwhile, celebrated the petition denial as a win for the pro-life movement. &lt;br&gt; “This is another pro-life law that will be allowed to stand and will help protect preborn babies from abortion,” the group said via Twitter.

=== &quot;Abortion Surveillance --- United States, 2000&quot; (2003) ===
&lt;small&gt; Laurie D. Elam-Evans, Ph.D., Lilo T. Strauss, M.A., Joy Herndon, M.S., Wilda Y. Parker, Sonya V. Bowens, M.S., Suzanne Zane, D.V.M.,Cynthia J. Berg, M.D. (2003). [https://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/ss5212a1.htm &quot;Abortion Surveillance --- United States, 2000&quot;]. Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report. Surveillance Summaries (Washington, D.C. : 2002). Center for Disease Control. 52 (12): 1–32. PMID 14647014. Retrieved October 2, 2013. &lt;/small&gt;
* Results: A total of 857,475 legal induced abortions were reported to CDC for 2000 from 49 reporting areas, representing a 0.5% decrease from the 861,789 legal induced abortions reported by 48 reporting areas for 1999 and a 1.3% decrease for the same 48 reporting areas that reported in 1999. The abortion ratio, defined as the number of abortions per 1,000 live births, was 246 in 2000 (for the same 48 reporting areas as 1999), compared with 256 reported for 1999. This represents a 3.8% decline in the abortion ratio. The abortion rate (for the same 48 reporting areas as 1999) was 16 per 1,000 women aged 15--44 years for 2000. This was also a 3.8% decrease from the rate reported for procedures performed during 1997--1999 for the same 48 reporting areas.  &lt;br&gt; The highest percentages of reported abortions were for women aged &lt;25 years (52%), women who were white (57%), and unmarried women (81%). Fifty-eight percent of all abortions for which gestational age was reported were performed at &lt;8 weeks of gestation, and 88% were performed before 13 weeks. From 1992 (when detailed data regarding early abortions were first collected) through 2000, steady increases have occurred in the percentage of abortions performed at &lt;6 weeks of gestation. Few abortions were performed after 15 weeks of gestation; 4.3% were obtained at 16--20 weeks and 1.4% were obtained at &gt;21 weeks. A total of 31 reporting areas submitted data stating that they performed medical (nonsurgical) procedures, making up 1.0% of all reported procedures from the 42 areas with adequate reporting on type of procedure.  &lt;br&gt; In 1998 and 1999 (the most recent years for which data are available), 14 women died as a result of complications from known legal induced abortion. Ten of these deaths occurred in 1998 and four occurred in 1999; no deaths were associated with known illegal abortion. 
* Interpretation: From 1990 through 1997, the number of legal induced abortions gradually declined. In 1998 and 1999, the number of abortions continued to decrease when comparing the same 48 reporting areas. In 2000, even with one additional reporting state, the number of abortions declined slightly. In 1998 and 1999, as in previous years, deaths related to legal induced abortions occurred rarely (&lt;1 death per 100,000 abortions). 
* For 2000, CDC compiled data that were voluntarily provided from 49 reporting areas in the United States: 47 states (excluding Alaska, California, and New Hampshire), the District of Columbia, and New York City. Legal induced abortion was defined as a procedure, performed by a licensed physician or someone acting under the supervision of a licensed physician, that was intended to terminate a suspected or known intrauterine pregnancy and to produce a nonviable fetus at any gestational age (1,2). The total number of legal induced abortions was available from all reporting areas; however, not all of these areas collected data regarding some or all of the characteristics of women who obtained abortions. Thus, the availability of data on characteristics of women obtaining an abortion varied by reporting area in 2000.  &lt;br&gt;  Most reporting areas (46 states, the District of Columbia, and New York City) collected and reported adequate data (i.e., data categorized in accordance with surveillance variables and with &lt;15% unknown values) by age of the woman, whereas only 29 states, the District of Columbia, and New York City collected and reported adequate data by Hispanic ethnicity. 
* This report provides overall and state-specific abortion statistics. For all characteristics for which birth or population data were available, abortion ratios (number of abortions per 1,000 live births) or abortion rates (number of abortions per 1,000 women in a given age group) are provided. Starting with 1996, abortion ratios were calculated by using the number of live births to residents of each area, from birth data reported to CDC's National Center for Health Statistics (NCHS); numbers had previously been received from state health departments. The population data used for calculating abortion rates had previously been obtained from the U.S. Census Bureau postcensual data. However, because of the impact of changes in Office of Management and Budget (OMB) standards in 1997 that allowed for multiple race selections on the 2000 Census, no population data were released by the Census Bureau. NCHS bridged race and ethnicity data were used for calculating abortion rates; this involves a model that translates multiple race responses for an individual into the one, single response that the model predicts the individual most likely would have reported under the 1977 OMB standards. 
* Case-fatality rates for 1972--1997 are provided in this report. Case-fatality rates for 1998--1999 cannot be calculated because a substantial number of abortions occurred in the four nonreporting states, and the total number of abortions (the denominator) is unknown. 
* Overall, the annual number of legal induced abortions in the United States increased gradually until it peaked in 1990, and it has declined in most years thereafter (Figure 1). In 2000, a total of 857,475 legal induced abortions were reported to CDC by 49 reporting areas. This represents a 0.5% decrease from 1999, for which 861,789 legal induced abortions were reported from 48 reporting areas (Table 1) and a 1.3% decrease in the same 48 reporting areas as 1999. &lt;br&gt; The national legal induced abortion ratio increased from 196 per 1,000 live births in 1973 (the first year that 52 areas reported) to 358 per 1,000 live births in 1979 and remained nearly stable through 1981 (Figure 1) (Table 2). The ratio peaked at 364 per 1,000 live births in 1984 and since then has shown a nearly steady decline. In 2000, the abortion ratio was 245 per 1,000 live births in 49 reporting areas and 246 for the same 48 reporting areas available for 1999. This represents a 3.8% decrease from 1999 (256 per 1,000 live births) for the 48 reporting areas (Table 2) (6).  &lt;br&gt; The national legal induced abortion rate increased from 14 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15--44 years in 1973 to 25 per 1,000 in 1980. In the 1980s and early 1990s, the rate remained stable at 23--24 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15--44 years, and during 1994--1997 it again stabilized at 20--21. The abortion rate remained unchanged at 17 per 1,000 women aged 15--44 years from 1997 through 1999 in the same 48 reporting areas. In 2000, the abortion rate declined to 16 per 1,000 women aged 15--44 years (overall and in the same 48 reporting areas as 1999). 
* The numbers, ratios, and rates of reported legal induced abortions are presented by area of residence as well as by area of occurrence. In 2000, the highest numbers of reported legal induced abortions occurred in New York City (94,466), Florida (88,563), and Texas (76,121); the fewest† occurred in Idaho (801), South Dakota (878), and North Dakota (1,341) (Table 3). The abortion ratios by state or area of occurrence ranged from 39 per 1,000 live births in Idaho to 869 per 1,000 live births in the District of Columbia. The rates by occurrence ranged from 3 per 1,000 women aged 15--44 years in Idaho to 46 per 1,000 women aged 15--44 years in the District of Columbia. These ratios and rates should be viewed with consideration of the sizable variation by state in the percentage of abortions obtained by out-of-state residents. In 2000, approximately 9% of reported abortions were obtained by out-of-state residents. The percentages ranged from 0.4% in Hawaii to 56% in the District of Columbia (Table 3). Data by state of residence are incomplete because three states (Alaska, California, and New Hampshire) did not report and five states (Arizona, Florida, Iowa, Louisiana, and Massachusetts) did not provide any data concerning the residence status of all women obtaining abortions in their state. 
* Women aged 20--24 years were known to have obtained 33% of all abortions for which age was adequately reported. Women aged &lt;15 years were known to have obtained &lt;1.0% of all abortions in areas where age was reported (Table 4). Abortion ratios were highest for the youngest women (708 abortions per 1,000 live births for women aged &lt;15 years) and lowest for women aged 30--34 years (145 per 1,000 live births) (Figure 2) (Table 4). In contrast to abortion ratios, among women for whom age was reported, abortion rates were highest for women aged 20--24 years (33 abortions per 1,000 women) and lowest for women at the extremes of reproductive age (2 abortions per 1,000 women aged 13--14 years and 2 per 1,000 women aged 40--44 years) (Table 4). Among adolescents (aged &lt;20 years), the percentage of abortions obtained increased with increasing age. However, the abortion ratio was highest for those &lt;15 years (701 abortions per 1,000 live births)§ and lowest for those aged 19 years (324 per 1,000 live births) (Table 5). Conversely, the rates of abortions were lowest for adolescents aged &lt;15 years (2 per 1,000 women aged 13--14 years) and highest for women age 19 (29 per 1,000 women aged 19 years) (Table 5). 
* Abortion trends by age indicate that since 1973, abortion ratios for women aged &lt;15 years have been higher than for any other age group (Figure 3). For women aged &lt;19 years and those aged &gt;40 years, the abortion ratio increased overall from 1974 through the early 1980s and declined thereafter (Figure 3). The abortion ratio for women aged 20--34 years (the groups with the highest fertility rates) (7) has remained essentially stable since the mid-1980s. The abortion ratio for women aged 35--39 years has gradually declined over time.  &lt;br&gt; In 2000, for women whose weeks of gestation at the time of abortion were adequately reported, 57% of reported legal induced abortions were known to have been obtained at &lt;8 weeks of gestation, and 87% at &lt;13 weeks (Table 6). Overall, 23% of abortions were known to have been performed at &lt;6 weeks of gestation, 18% at 7 weeks, and 17% at 8 weeks (Table 7). Few reported abortions occurred after 15 weeks of gestation; 4.3% were at 16--20 weeks, and 1.4% were at &gt;21 weeks. 
* For women whose type of procedure was adequately reported, almost all (97%) abortions were known to have been performed by curettage and 0.4% by intrauterine instillation (Table 8). Hysterectomy and hysterotomy were included in the &quot;other&quot; procedure category and were known to have been used in fewer than 0.01% of all abortions. Thirty-one reporting areas submitted data stating that they performed medical (nonsurgical) procedures,¶ hereafter referred to as medical abortions. Medical abortions make up approximately 1% of all procedures reported from the 42 areas with adequate reporting on type of procedure. However, three areas included medical abortions in the &quot;other&quot; category because data for medical abortions are not collected as a separate category on their abortion reporting form. For 2000, a total of 6,895 medical abortion procedures were submitted by the 28 reporting areas that reported medical abortions separately. This reflects an increase of 10% from the 6,278 medical abortions reported by 26 reporting areas for 1999 (6). We do not know to what extent the 6,895 medical abortions reported to CDC for 2000 represent the use of this procedure in all reporting areas. 
* In the 41 areas for which race was adequately reported, approximately 55% of women who obtained legal induced abortions were known to be white, 35% were black, and 7% were of other races; for 3% of the women, race was unknown. (Table 9). The abortion ratio for black women (503 per 1,000 live births) was 3.0 times the ratio for white women (167 per 1,000 live births). Additionally, the abortion ratio for women of other races (329 per 1,000 live births) was 2.0 times the ratio for white women. The abortion rate for black women (30 per 1,000 women) was 3.1 times the rate for white women (10 per 1,000 women), whereas the abortion rate for women of other races (22 per 1,000 women) was 2.2 times the rate for white women. 
* In the 41 areas for which race was adequately reported, approximately 55% of women who obtained legal induced abortions were known to be white, 35% were black, and 7% were of other races; for 3% of the women, race was unknown. (Table 9). The abortion ratio for black women (503 per 1,000 live births) was 3.0 times the ratio for white women (167 per 1,000 live births). Additionally, the abortion ratio for women of other races (329 per 1,000 live births) was 2.0 times the ratio for white women. The abortion rate for black women (30 per 1,000 women) was 3.1 times the rate for white women (10 per 1,000 women), whereas the abortion rate for women of other races (22 per 1,000 women) was 2.2 times the rate for white women.  &lt;br&gt; Twenty-nine states, the District of Columbia, and New York City reported adequate data** concerning the ethnicity of women who obtained legal induced abortions (Table 10). The percentage of abortions known to have been obtained by Hispanic women in these reporting areas was 17% overall and ranged from &lt;0.1% in Kentucky to 46% in New Mexico. For Hispanic women in these reporting areas, the abortion ratio was 225 per 1,000 live births. The abortion rate for Hispanic women was 16 abortions per 1,000 women. &lt;br&gt; For women whose marital status was adequately reported, 78% of women who obtained abortions were known to be unmarried (Table 11). The abortion ratio for unmarried women was 8.8 times the ratio for married women (570 versus 65 abortions per 1,000 live births).  &lt;br&gt; For women for whom data on previous live births was adequately reported, 39% of women who obtained legal induced abortions were known to have had no previous live births, and 86% had had two or fewer previous live births (Table 12). The abortion ratio was highest for women who had three previous live births (285 per 1,000 live births) and lowest for women who had one previous live birth (194 per 1,000 live births).  &lt;br&gt; In 2000, of women who obtained an abortion and whose number of previous abortions was adequately reported, 53% were reported to have obtained an abortion for the first time. Eighteen percent of women were reported to have had two or more previous abortions (Table 13). 
* As in the past, approximately 88% of all abortions (for which gestational age at the time of abortion was reported adequately) were obtained during the first 12 weeks of gestation (Table 1). The percentage of women who obtained an abortion at &lt;8 weeks of gestation increased with age, with the exception of women aged 35--39 years (Figure 4) (Table 16). This association is most pronounced for abortions obtained at &lt;6 weeks' gestation (Table 17). The percentage of women who obtained an abortion at &gt;21 weeks of gestation decreased with age for women through 25--29 years. Among women with adequately reported race and weeks of gestation, white women and women of other races were more likely than black women to obtain abortions at &lt;6 or 7 weeks of gestation (Table 17). Among women with adequately reported known ethnicity and weeks of gestation, 25% of Hispanic women obtained abortions at &lt;6 weeks of gestation and 59% obtained abortions at &lt;8 weeks' gestation. This is slightly more than the 57% of non-Hispanic women who obtained abortions at &lt;8 weeks' gestation (Table 17). &lt;br&gt; For women whose type of procedure and weeks of gestation were adequately reported, approximately 99% of reported abortions obtained at &lt;15 weeks of gestation were performed by using curettage (primarily suction procedures) (Table 18). Approximately 88% of the 6,229 reported medical abortions were performed at &lt;8 weeks' gestation, representing 1.6% of all abortions that were performed at &lt;8 weeks' gestation. At &gt;16 weeks of gestation, medical abortions (n = 559) also made up 1.6% of all abortions. Medical abortions constituted &lt;0.1% of procedures performed in the 9--15-weeks gestation range. Intrauterine instillation involved the use of saline or prostaglandin and was used rarely (0.3% of all abortions), primarily at &gt;16 weeks of gestation. 
* From the National Pregnancy Mortality Surveillance System, CDC identified 22 maternal deaths for 1998 and 17 maternal deaths for 1999 that were thought to be potentially related to abortion. These maternal deaths were identified either by some indication of abortion on the death certificate or from information such as a news report associated with the death. Investigation of these cases showed that 10 of the 22 deaths in 1998 and four of the 17 deaths in 1999 were related to legal induced abortion and none to illegal induced abortion (Table 19). For 1998, 11 deaths were due to spontaneous abortion, and one death was found not to be abortion related. For 1999, 10 deaths were due to spontaneous abortion, and three deaths were found not to be abortion related. Numbers of deaths due to legal induced abortion were highest before the 1980s, with very few deaths occurring in 1999 (Table 19). Possible abortion-related deaths that occurred during 2000--2002 are currently being investigated. 
* A total of 857,475 legal induced abortions were reported for 2000 in the United States from 47 states, the District of Columbia, and New York City. This is a decline of 0.5% from the legal induced abortions reported for 1999 from 48 reporting areas. A decline of 1.3% in the number of abortions is seen when the same 48 reporting areas from 1999 are compared with those for 2000. Before 1998, a substantial number of legal induced abortions were estimated to have been performed in California (e.g., &gt;23% of the U.S. total in 1997). Beginning in 1998, data were no longer estimated for nonreporting states. The lack of data for California for 2000 explains most of the 28% decrease from the annual number of abortions reported in 1997 as well as a portion of the decrease in the total ratio and rate. 
* Overall, abortion ratios and abortion rates have declined over time (Figure 1). The abortion ratio for 2000 (246 per 1,000 live births for the same 48 reporting areas as 1999) was a 3.8% decline from the previous year. The abortion rate (16 per 1,000 women aged 15--44 years for the same 48 reporting areas as 1999) was also a decline of 3.8% from the rate reported in 1999. The overall declines in the abortion ratio and rate over time may reflect multiple factors, including a decrease in the number of unintended pregnancies; a shift in the age distribution of women toward the older and less fertile ages; reduced or limited access to abortion services, including the passage of abortion laws that affect adolescents (e.g., parental consent or notification laws and mandatory waiting periods); and changes in contraceptive practices, including an increased use of contraception, such as condoms, and, among young women, of long-acting hormonal contraceptive methods that were introduced in the early 1990s. &lt;br&gt; The abortion rate reported here for the United States was higher than recent rates reported for Canada and Western European countries and lower than rates reported for China, Cuba, most Eastern European countries, and several of the Newly Independent States of the former Soviet Union. 
* As in previous years, the abortion ratio in 2000 varied substantially by age. Although the abortion ratio was highest for adolescents in 2000, the ratio has gradually declined for women aged &lt;15 and 15--19 years since the mid 1980s. Other studies also have indicated a decrease in birth rates for women aged 15--19 years during 1991--2000 and a decrease in adolescent pregnancy rates 1991--1997. 
* The percentage distribution of abortions by known weeks of gestation has shifted slightly since the late 1970s. From 1992 (when detailed data on early abortions were first available) through 2000, data have indicated steady increases in procedures performed at &lt;6 weeks' gestation with decreases occurring in the percentage of abortions performed at 8, 9--10, and 11--12 weeks' gestation. The increase in the percentage of abortions known to have been performed at &lt;6 weeks may be related to an increase in availability of early abortion services since 1992 as well as to an increase in medical and surgical procedures that can be performed early in gestation. Abortions performed early in pregnancy are associated with lower risks of mortality and morbidity. The proportions of abortions performed later in pregnancy (&gt;13 weeks) have varied very little since 1992. The gestational age at which an abortion is obtained can be influenced by several factors in addition to those for which surveillance data are available (age of the woman, race, marital status). These additional factors include level of education, availability and accessibility of abortion services, timing of confirmation of pregnancy, timing of personal decision-making, timing of prenatal diagnosis, level of fear of discovery of pregnancy, and denial of the pregnancy. 
* Since the mid-1990s, two medical regimens --- methotrexate and mifepristone, each used in conjunction with misoprostol --- have been tested in clinical trials and used by clinical practitioners to perform early medical abortions. CDC surveillance data indicate that &gt;50% of all U.S. abortions are performed at &lt;8 weeks of gestation, which is the timing of the regimen approved for both mifepristone and methotrexate. The medical procedures reported most often for abortions performed early in gestation (&lt;7 weeks) are use of methotrexate with misoprostol and mifepristone with misoprosto. Mifepristone for medical abortion was approved by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) for use and distribution in the United States in September 2000. This approval might result in early medical abortions becoming more widespread (37,38). The FDA-approved protocol can be initiated up to 49 days of gestation and requires three office visits by the patient: administration of oral mifepristone, administration 48 hours later of oral misoprostol in the health care provider's office, and a follow-up visit in approximately 14 days. Clinical studies of alternative medical abortion regimens have been performed in various countries and are ongoing. 
* The percentage of abortions known to be performed by curettage (which includes dilatation and evacuation [D&amp;E]) increased from 88% in 1973 to 98% in 2000, while the percentage of abortions performed by intrauterine instillation declined sharply, from 10% to 0.4%. The increase in use of D&amp;E is likely due to the lower risk for complications associated with the procedure (48,49). The percentage of abortions performed by D&amp;E (curettage) at &gt;13 weeks' gestation increased from 31% in 1974 (the first year for which these data were available) to 96% in 2000; the percentage of abortions performed by intrauterine instillation at &gt;13 weeks' gestation decreased from 57% to 1.7%. 
* The differential between the abortion ratio for black women and that for white women has increased from 2.0 in 1989 (the first year for which black and other races were reported separately) to 3.0 in 2000. In addition, the abortion rate for black women has been approximately 3 times as high as that for white women (range: 2.6--3.1) since 1991 (the first year for which rates by race were published) (52). These rates by race are substantially lower than rates previously published by NCHS and suggest that the reporting areas for the 2000 report might not be fully representative of the U.S. black female population of reproductive age. Census Bureau estimates and birth certificate data indicate that the large majority of Hispanic women report themselves as white. Therefore, data for some white women actually represent Hispanic women. 
* In 2000, 41 states, the District of Columbia and New York City reported Hispanic ethnicity of women who obtained abortions. Because of concerns regarding the completeness of such data (&gt;15% unknown data) in certain states, in 2000, data from only 29 states, the District of Columbia, and New York City were used to determine the number and percentage of abortions obtained by women of Hispanic ethnicity. These geographic areas represent approximately 46% of all reproductive-age Hispanic women in the United States for 2000 and approximately 47% of U.S. Hispanic births. Thus, the number of Hispanic women who obtain abortions is underestimated, and the number, ratio, and rate of abortions for Hispanic women in this report are not generalizable to the overall Hispanic population in the United States. &lt;br&gt; The abortion ratio for Hispanic women (225 per 1,000 live births) was lower than the ratio for non-Hispanic women (233 per 1,000 live births). This differs from the findings for abortions performed in 1999 and reflects a return to the previously observed pattern among Hispanic women of slightly lower or similar ratios to those for non-Hispanic women. As in the past, the abortion rate per 1,000 Hispanic women was higher than the rate per 1,000 non-Hispanic women. This finding is consistent with another study but differs substantially from abortion rates by ethnicity that were published previously by NCHS. The differences are likely due to the method used to account for underreporting of abortions by adjusting CDC tabulations to national totals. This finding also suggests that the reporting areas for the 2000 report are not fully representative of the U.S. Hispanic female population of reproductive age. Race-specific and ethnicity-specific differences in legal induced abortion ratios and rates might reflect differences among groups in factors such as socioeconomic status, access to family planning and contraceptive services, contraceptive use, and incidence of unintended pregnancies. 
* Compared with 1972, the annual number of deaths associated with known legal induced abortion in the late 1990s has decreased by approximately 70%. In 1972, 24 women died from causes known to be associated with legal abortions and 39 died as a result of known illegal abortions. In 1999, four died as a result of legal induced abortion and none died as a result of illegal induced abortion. Numbers of legal, induced abortion-related deaths for 1998 and 1999, identified for all 52 reporting areas, are similar to those reported over the previous 18 years. However, national case-fatality rates for 1998 and 1999 cannot be calculated because a substantial number of abortions occurred in four nonreporting states, and the total number of abortions (the denominator) is unknown. 
* Despite these limitations, findings from ongoing national surveillance of legal induced abortion are useful for several purposes. First, public health agencies use data from abortion surveillance to identify characteristics of women who are at high risk for unintended pregnancy. Second, ongoing annual surveillance is used to monitor trends in the number, ratio, and rate of abortions in the United States. Third, statistics regarding the number of pregnancies ending in abortion are used in conjunction with birth data and fetal death computations to estimate pregnancy rates (e.g., pregnancy rates among adolescents). Fourth, abortion and pregnancy rates can be used to evaluate the effectiveness of family planning programs and programs for preventing unintended pregnancy. Fifth, ongoing surveillance provides data for assessing changes in clinical practice patterns related to abortion (e.g., longitudinal changes in the types of procedures and trends in weeks of gestation at the time of abortion). Finally, numbers of abortions are used as the denominator in calculating abortion mortality rates (29). 
* A reduction in unintended pregnancy, and thus abortion, will require several complex strategies. In a study of abortion patients conducted during 2000--2001, 54% of patients reported that they were using contraception during the month they became pregnant. However, their use of contraception might have been inconsistent or incorrect (18). In 1995, when the most recent NSFG was conducted, approximately 29% of sexually active U.S. women who used only oral contraceptives for birth control reported that they missed a birth-control pill one or more times during the 3 months before their NSFG interview. In addition, approximately 33% of U.S. women who were using only coitus-dependent contraceptive methods†† during the 3 months before the interview used these methods inconsistently (9). Not all health insurance plans provide contraceptive benefits. Therefore, education regarding abstinence, contraceptive use and practices as well as access to and education regarding safe, effective, and affordable contraception and family-planning services might help reduce the incidence of unintended pregnancy and, therefore, the number of legal induced abortions in the United States. 

=== &quot;Supreme Court Strikes Down Louisiana Abortion Restrictions&quot; (June 29, 2020) ===
&lt;small&gt; Liptak, Adam (June 29, 2020). [https://www.nytimes.com/2020/06/29/us/supreme-court-abortion-louisiana.html &quot;Supreme Court Strikes Down Louisiana Abortion Restrictions&quot;]. The New York Times. (Published June 29, 2020Updated May 17, 2021)  &lt;/small&gt;
* WASHINGTON — The Supreme Court on Monday struck down a Louisiana law that could have left the state with a single abortion clinic, dashing the hopes of conservatives who were counting on President Trump’s appointments to lead the court to sustain restrictions on abortion rights and, eventually, to overrule Roe v. Wade. &lt;br&gt; Instead, conservatives suffered a setback, and from an unlikely source. Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr. added his crucial fifth vote to those of the court’s four-member liberal wing, saying that respect for precedent compelled him to do so, even though he had voted to uphold an essentially identical Texas law in a 2016 dissent.
* Conservatives reacted with fury. “Chief Justice Roberts is at it again with his political gamesmanship,” Senator Ted Cruz, Republican of Texas, said on Twitter. “This time he has sided with abortion extremists who care more about providing abortion-on-demand than protecting women’s health.” &lt;br&gt; Progressive groups countered that the court’s decision was a routine application of precedent. &lt;br&gt; “Today’s ruling, while incredibly important, should not be surprising,” Elizabeth Wydra, the president of the Constitutional Accountability Center, a liberal group, said in a statement. “In fact, this case should have been one of the easiest for the court to dispose of this term.” &lt;br&gt; “This was really just ‘Supreme Court 101’ for all nine of the justices,” she said, “but only five of them were prepared to show fidelity to law and precedent instead of politics.” 
* Justice Stephen G. Breyer, writing for the four liberals who joined with the chief justice in the majority, said the Louisiana law was “almost word-for-word identical” to the one from Texas that the Supreme Court struck down in the 2016 decision, Whole Woman’s Health v. Hellerstedt. &lt;br&gt; Both laws required doctors performing abortions to have admitting privileges at nearby hospitals. And in both cases, Justice Breyer wrote, the laws put an undue burden on the constitutional right to the procedure. &lt;br&gt; The court’s decision to revisit the issue of admissions privileges had worried proponents of abortion rights given Chief Justice Roberts’s support for the Texas law. Since that ruling, Justice Anthony M. Kennedy, who had voted to overturn the law, was replaced by the more conservative Justice Brett M. Kavanaugh. &lt;br&gt; But in the end, Chief Justice Roberts’s commitment to precedent sank the Louisiana law. “I joined the dissent in Whole Woman’s Health,” he wrote on Monday, “and continue to believe that the case was wrongly decided. The question today, however, is not whether Whole Woman’s Health was right or wrong, but whether to adhere to it in deciding the present case.” &lt;br&gt; “The Louisiana law imposes a burden on access to abortion just as severe as that imposed by the Texas law, for the same reasons,” the chief justice wrote in a concurring opinion that did not adopt Justice Breyer’s reasoning. “Therefore Louisiana’s law cannot stand under our precedents.”
* Kayleigh McEnany, the White House press secretary, expressed disappointment in Monday’s decision. &lt;br&gt; “In an unfortunate ruling today,” she said in a statement, “the Supreme Court devalued both the health of mothers and the lives of unborn children by gutting Louisiana’s policy that required all abortion procedures be performed by individuals with admitting privileges at a nearby hospital.” &lt;br&gt; Joseph R. Biden Jr., the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee, issued a statement saying that “women’s health care rights have been under attack as states across the country have passed extreme laws restricting women’s constitutional right to choice under any circumstance.” &lt;br&gt; Justice Breyer wrote that the Louisiana law, which was enacted in 2014, imposed great burdens on access to abortion but did nothing to protect women’s health, its ostensible goal. He wrote that hospitalizations after abortions were rare, that women would receive medical care at hospitals whether their doctors had admitting privileges or not and that abortion providers were often unable to obtain admitting privileges for reasons unrelated to their competence.

=== A Major Ruling on Abortion (June 30, 2020) ===
&lt;small&gt; Adam Liptak in  ‘The Daily’ “The New York Times”, (June 30): A Major Ruling on Abortion, hosted by Michael Barbaro; produced by Luke Vander Ploeg and Michael Simon Johnson; with help from Asthaa Chaturvedi; and edited by M.J. Davis Lin; as quoted in Liptak, Adam (June 29, 2020). [https://www.nytimes.com/2020/06/29/us/supreme-court-abortion-louisiana.html &quot;Supreme Court Strikes Down Louisiana Abortion Restrictions&quot;]. The New York Times. (Published June 29, 2020Updated May 17, 2021) &lt;/small&gt;
*'''Michael Barbaro''': Adam, we have talked about admitting privileges for doctors who performed abortions in the past. But as a reminder, what is the idea behind them?
:'''Adam Liptak''': It’s a kind of business relationship between a doctor and a hospital. It allows doctors to admit and care for their patients at given hospitals. Supporters of admitting privileges laws say that it’s a kind of credentialing function, that you are likely to be a slightly better doctor if a nearby hospital kind of vouches for you by giving you admitting privileges. Opponents of admitting privileges laws say they’re a bit of a scam, that abortion is very safe. If you do have to go to a hospital, they say you’re going to be admitted, whether you have a doctor with admitting privileges or not.
*'''Adam Liptak''': Well, what would have been really striking in Louisiana is what would have happened if the case went the other way. Louisiana currently has three abortion clinics. That would have gone to one. And it currently has about five doctors who are willing to provide abortion. And that also would apparently have gone to one. So it would have required every woman in the state to travel to New Orleans to get abortions. And it’s not clear that that clinic would have had the capacity to serve those women, even if they could make what, in some instances, would be a very long drive — five hours each way — and do it twice. Because Louisiana also has a law requiring a waiting period between the initial consultation and the procedure itself.

=== &quot;Roe v. Wade at 40: Most Oppose Overturning Abortion Decision&quot; (January 16, 2013) ===
&lt;small&gt; Joseph Liu, [https://www.pewresearch.org/religion/2013/01/16/roe-v-wade-at-40/ &quot;Roe v. Wade at 40: Most Oppose Overturning Abortion Decision&quot;]. Pewresearch.org, (January 16, 2013). &lt;/small&gt;
* The latest national survey by the Pew Research Center, conducted Jan. 9-13 among 1,502 adults, finds that abortion is viewed as a less important issue than in the past. Currently, 53% say abortion “is not that important compared to other issues,” up from 48% in 2009 and 32% in 2006. The percentage viewing abortion as a “critical issue facing the country” fell from 28% in 2006 to 15% in 2009 and now stands at 18%. &lt;br&gt; However, the public continues to be divided over whether it is morally acceptable to have an abortion. Nearly half (47%) say it is morally wrong to have an abortion, while just 13% find this morally acceptable; 27% say this is not a moral issue and 9% volunteer that it depends on the situation. These opinions have changed little since 2006.
*Slightly more than half of adults (53%) say that abortion is not that important compared with other issues. About a quarter (27%) say abortion is one among many important issues facing the country, while 18% view abortion as a critical issue.
*Nearly three-in-ten white evangelical Protestants (29%) view the issue of abortion as critical, compared with just 13% of white mainline Protestants and white Catholics. Majorities of white mainline Protestants (61%) and white Catholics (59%) say abortion is not that important compared with other issues. An even higher percentage of religiously unaffiliated Americans (71%) say abortion is relatively unimportant. &lt;br&gt; Nearly half of Americans (47%) say they personally believe that it is morally wrong to have an abortion, compared with 27% who say it is not a moral issue, 13% who find it morally acceptable and 9% who volunteer that it depends. These opinions have changed only modestly in recent years.
*Most white evangelical Protestants (73%), as well as 55% of white Catholics and 53% of black Protestants, say it is morally wrong to have an abortion. That compares with 36% of white mainline Protestants and just 20% of the religiously unaffiliated. &lt;br&gt; A majority of Republicans (63%) view having an abortion as morally wrong, compared with 45% of independents and 39% of Democrats. &lt;br&gt; Relatively small percentages of people in all religious, partisan and demographic groups say it is morally acceptable to have an abortion. However, nearly half of Democrats say either that having an abortion is morally acceptable (17%) or that it is not a moral issue (31%). Among independents, roughly four-in-ten say it is either morally acceptable (12%) or that abortion is not a moral issue (30%).
*The survey finds that 41% say that the Democratic Party can do a better job of representing their views on abortion; nearly as many (36%) say the Republican Party could do better. &lt;br&gt; Last March, the Democratic Party held a 16-point advantage as better representing people’s views on abortion (47% to 31%). In October 2011, the Democrats led by eight points on this issue (44% to 36%).

===  ”Abortion and the Politics of Motherhood” (1984) ===
&lt;small&gt; Kristin Luker, [https://books.google.com/books?id=-SZnZTSQV9EC ”Abortion and the Politics of Motherhood”], ''University of California Press'', (1984) &lt;/small&gt;
* At the opening of the nineteenth century, no statue laws governed abortion in America. What minimal legal regulation existed was inherited from English common law tradition that abortion undertaken before quickening was at worst a misdemeanor. ‘’Quickening’’, as that term was understood in the nineteenth century, was the period in pregnancy when a  woman felt fetal movement though it varied from woman to woman (and even from pregnancy to pregnancy in the same woman), it generally occurs between the fourth and the sixth month of pregnancy. Consequently, in nineteenth-century America, as in medieval Europe, first trimester abortions and a goodly number of second trimester abortions as well, faced little legal regulation. Practically speaking, the difficulty of determining when conception had occurred, combined with the fact that the only person who could reliably tell when the pregnancy had “quickened” was the pregnant woman herself, meant that even this minimal regulation was probably infrequent. In 1809, when the Massachusetts state Supreme Court dismissed an indictment for abortion because the prosecution had not reliably proved that the woman was “quick with child,” it was simply reiterating traditional common law standards. &lt;br&gt; In contrast, by 1900 every state in the Union has passed a law forbidding the use of drugs or instruments to procure abortion at ''any'' stage of pregnancy, “unless te same be necessary to save the woman’s life.” Not only were those who performed an abortion liable for a felony (usually manslaughter or second degree homicide), but in many states, the aborted woman herself faced the possibility of criminal prosecution, still another departure from the tolerant common law tradition in existence at the beginning of the century. &lt;br&gt; Many cultural themes and social struggles lie behind the transition from an abortion climate that that was remarkably open and unrestricted to one that restricted abortions (at least in principle) to those necessary to save the life of the mother. The second half of the nineteenth century, when the bulk of American abortion laws were written, saw profound changes in the social order, and these provided the foundation for dramatic changes in the status of abortion Between 1850 and 1900, for example the population changed from one that was primarily rural and agricultural to one that was urban and industrial, and birth rate fell accordingly, declining from an estimated average completed fertility for whites of 7.04 births per woman in 1800 to an average of 3.56 births in 1900. The “great wave” of American immigration occurred in this period, as did the first feminist movement.
** pp.14-15

* The most visible interest group agitating for more restrictive abortion laws was composed of elite or “regular” physicians, who actively petitioned state legislatures to pass anti-abortion laws and undertook through popular writings a campaign to change public opinion on abortion. The efforts of these physicians were probably the single most important influence in bringing about nineteenth-century anti-abortion laws. (Ironically, a century later it would be physicians who would play a central role in overturning these same laws.)
** p.16

* With respect to abortion, as with respect to physicians, modern-day stereotypes about the nineteenth century can easily lead us astray. Contrary to our assumptions about “Victorian morality,” the available evidence suggests that abortions were frequent. To be sure, some of these abortions may have been disguised (or rationalized) by those who sought them. Early in the century, a dominant therapeutic model saw the human body as an “intake-outflow” system and disease as the result of some disturbance in the regular production of secretions. Prominent among medical concerns, therefore, was “blocked” or “obstructed” menstruation, and the nineteenth-century pharmacopoeia contained numerous emmenagogues designed to “bring down the courses,” that is, to reestablish menstruation. However, since the primary cause of “menstrual obstruction” in a health and sexually active woman was probably pregnancy, at least some of these emmenagogues must have been used with the intent to cause an abortion. Especially in the absence of accurate pregnancy tests, these drugs could be used in good faith by physicians and women alike, but the frequent warnings that these same drugs should not be used by “married ladies” because they would cause miscarriage made their alternative uses quite clear. &lt;br&gt; Similarly, newspaper advertisements for patent medicines designed to bring on “suppressed menses” were common during the era; according to a number of sources, such advertisements appeared even in church newspapers. Discreet advertisements for  “clinics for ladies” where menstrual irregularities “from whatever cause” could be treated (and where confidentiality and even private off-street entrances were carefully noted in the advertisement itself) were common.
** p.19

* As the noted medical historian Richard Shryock has observed: “One of the most striking and common forms of quack advertising in the United States was that of abortifacient drugs; a fact which seems hardy consistent with out notion of Victorian propriety. . . . The common form of the ‘ads’ was something of this sort: ‘Dr,-‘s Female Pills, one dollar a box, with full discretions. Married ladies should not use them. Sent by mail.’ “ Shryock validates a commonly heard complaint by noting: “Similar announcements and other quack appeals filled not only the daily and weekly papers, but the ‘family newspapers’ and even the religious press.” &lt;br&gt; Aside from the use of these emmenagogues to bring on “delayed” menstruation, various attempts were made during this period to estimate the frequency of induced abortion as we not understand  it. These estimates were primarily the work of physicians who wanted to convince the public that abortion was a problem of great magnitude, and so their estimates must be treated cautiously. Nonetheless, estimates from differing sources yield roughly comparable results. An Ohio medical investigation concluded that one-third of all “live births” (sic) ended in induced abortion. Dr. Horatio Storer, one of the most visible anti-abortionists of the era, estimated that there was one abortion for every four pregnancies; a survey of Michigan physicians found between 17 and 34 percent of all pregnancies ending in abortion; and an 1871 American Medical association committee concluded that 20 percent of all pregnancies were deliberately aborted. 
** p.19

* This tolerant common-law standard was still in effect in nineteenth century America when state legislatures began to pass the very strict anti-abortion laws that the Supreme Court later overturned in ''Roe v. Wade''. Indeed, as James Mohr writers, “American courts pointedly sustained the most lenient implication of the quickening doctrine even after the British themselves had abandoned them.” &lt;br&gt; I shall return to this point shortly. For the moment, note as well that the Catholic position was still undergoing change. In 1591, Pope Gregory XIV restricted the penalty of excommunication to only those responsible for aborting an animated fetus. Starting in the seventeenth century, however, increasing medical knowledge about reproduction and embryology leg to growing doubts about the doctrine of delayed animation. Fetal growth appeared more and more a continuous matter, with no significant breaks between conception and birth. In 1863, Ferdinand Kember discovered that conception is produced by the male sperm entering the female ovum. Since, in Aristotelian doctrine, the male sperm carries the soul, this discovery implied that ensoulment takes place at conception. Increasingly, the Roman Catholic Church insisted that abortion is gravely wrong at any point after conception. In 1869 Pope Pius IX removed the distinction between animated and unanimated fetuses from the canon law, this providing excommunication for causing abortion at any stage of fetal development.
** p.23

* In the new American nation, because the lenient common-law standard prevailed, the situation at the beginning of the 19th century was quite tolerant regarding abortion. “Consequently” writers Luker, “in nineteenth-century America, as in medieval Europe, first trimester abortions, and a goodly  number of second trimester abortions as well, faced little legal regulation” Numerous home medical manuals-frequently written expressly for women-contained information about how to induce abortion, often in the form of advice on how to remove blockages to normal menstrual flow. Among tese were [[w:William Buchanan| William Buchanan]]’s ''Domestic Mediine'' (probably the most widely consulted one; continually reprinted from 1782 through 1850), Samuel K. Henning’s ''Married Lady’s Companion'' (which “had its second printing in 1808 and was intended for women in rural areas”), Joseph Brevitt’s ''Female Medical Repository'' (1810), and Thomas Ewell’ ''Letter to Ladies'' (1817). Ewell was “a surgeon at Navy Hospital in Washington, D.C. . . . , who wrote forthrightly about unblocking obstructed menses.” Like the other books just mentioned, Ewell’s &lt;br&gt; urged hot sitz baths, doses of aloe, and a number of training exercises. Walking, horseback riding, and jumping, the more the better, ll helped bring on abortion, he counseled, especially at the tie menses would normally have occurred had the last period not been missed. Ewell [also[ thought electricity through the thighs might end a suppression [of menstrual flow[ and that light bleeding could be beneficial. To those rather elemental staples Ewell added some medically more advanced ideas including internal douching with trong brandy, water as hot as could be tolerated, vinegar, wine, or strong brine. 
** pp.23-24

* In addition to early-nineteenth-century home medical manuals, Americans seeking information about abortifaients, as well as abortion themselves could consults midwives and herbal healers (“so-called Indian doctors”). Mohr speculates that, because of the  impossibility of confidently diagnosing pregnancy in its early stage and because of the common acceptance of procedures to treat for amenorrhea (blocks menses), many regular (formally trained or apprentices) physicians performed early abortions. And, says Mohr, “this practice was neither morally nor legally wrong in the eye of the vast majority of Americans, provided it was accomplished before quickening.” Leslie Reagan maintains that both the willingness of physicians (in private) to perform early abortions and the popular view that these abortions were morally acceptable continued throughout the period of legal repression that was to come.
** pp.24-25

* The first American statue concerning abortion was enacted by Connecticut in 1821. Prior to that date, there appears to have been no prosecution of abortion under the common law. The Connecticut statute itself did little more than restate the common-law rule as interpreted by Blackstone, inasmuch as it provided punishment only for abortions performed after quickening. Over the next two decades, seven more states passed abortion laws similar to Connecticut’s. &lt;br&gt; Things began to change in the 1840s. According to Mohr, “Medical writers throughout the period [agreed] unanimously . . . that the incidence of abortion rose dramatically around 1840.” Moreover, abortion became more publicly visible. “During the 1840s, Americans . . . learned for the first time not only that many practitioners would provide abortion services, but that some practitioners had made the abortion business their chief livelihood. Indeed, abortion became one of the first specialties in American medical history[!] The business of  selling abortifacient medicines also boomed, as evidenced by the rising number of advertisements for such products as “Madame Restell’s Female Pills,” each said to produce miscarriage, though this advice was sometimes couched as a “warning” to pregnant women not to take the pills. &lt;br&gt; Also starting in the 1840s, there was a change in the social character of abortion, or at least in the perception of its social character. Whereas, prior to this era, abortion had been seen as the recourse of unmarried women desperate to avoid the stigma of unwed motherhood, now it seemed that more married women were resorting to abortion to limit family size. This, at least, was the opinion widely held by regular physicians. Regular physicians also believed that abortion was far more prevalent among Protestant women than among Catholics and, though numerous immigrant abortionists catered to other immigrants, more prevalent among native-born than among immigrant women. Similarly, the medical profession was sure that the practice was growing among middle- and upper-class women, and the relatively high pries of the procedure supply some support for this view. There is demographic evidence of a steep drop in the birthrate for native-born women (as distinct from immigrant women) after 1840, a drop large enough to lead to an overall decline in the birthrate throughout the nation compared to earlier in the century. However, the evidence that this was due to abortion is based largely on the opinions of regular physicians, who were, s we shall see, not disinterested observers.
** pp.25-26

* In 1840, Maine became the first state to clearly prohibit abortion at any stage of pregnancy. It’s statute provided: &lt;br Every person, who shall administer to any woman pregnant with child, ''whether such child be quick or not,'' any medicine, drug or substance whatever, or shall use or employ any instrument or other means whatever, with intent to destroy such a child, and shall thereby destroy such child before its birth, ''unless the same shall have been done as necessary to preserve the life of the mother'', shall be punished by imprisonment in the stae prison, ''not more than five years'', or by fine, not exceeding one thousand dollars, and imprisonment in the  county jail, not more than one year. &lt;br&gt; This statute was still in force when the U.S. Supreme Court issued its decision in ''Roe v. Wade'' 113 year later. Note that, though the statute treats abortion as a crime at any time after conception, it does not treat it as equivalent to murder. The penalties are much lighter than those normally provided for murder, and an exception is allowed for abortions needed to save the life of the pregnant woman. Moreover, at least until the 1850s, successful prosecutions for pre-quick abortions under this and similar laws were extremely rare due to the difficulty of proving intent In light of the presumed legitimacy of operations to remove “unnatural obstruction of the menses,” it was necessary to prove that the alleged abortionist intended to abort the fetus rather than only to restore menstrual flow.” &lt;br&gt; New laws, although still relatively lenient, began to be passed in other states In 1845, Massachusetts made attempted abortion a misdemeanor and, if the attempt resulted in the death of the woman, a felony. However, the law was not very effective. “Between 1849 and 1857 there were only thirty-to trials in Massachusetts for performing abortions and not a single conviction.” New York also passed new abortion legislation in 1845 Its law made no reference to quickening and took “the unprecedented step” of making women “liable for seeking and submitting to an abortion or for performing one upon [themselves].” But this provision was never enforced against women in the nineteenth century. Mohr speculates that the aim of the law was to get at commercial abortionists and that the innovation of ending the immunity that women had had under the common law was due to belief that abortion was no longer limited to desperate unmarried women who were unlikely to be deterred by legal threat. &lt;br&gt; Michigan in 1846, Virginia in 1848, and New Hampshire in 1849, made abortion at any stage punishable, nut provided severer penalties if it occurred after quickening. Other states and even federal territories passed anti-abortion statues in the 1850s. The anti-abortion laws passed between 1840 and 1860 were, according to Mohr, “limited and cautious” responses to the increased number and visibility of abortions that characterized the period: “[O]nly three states stuck the immunities traditionally enjoyed by American women in cases of abortion. . . . [A]nd thirteen of the thirty-three states in the Union by 1860 had yet to pass any statutes on the subject of abortion.” Mohr writes, “The advent of more comprehensive and forceful anti-abortion laws throughout the United States still awaited a major campaign. . . on the part of a politically conscious organization with a vested interest in placing . . . less permissive statutes on the books.”
** pp.26-27

* Reformers were becoming more vocal about the problems of criminal abortion at a time when criminal abortion was probably becoming ''less'' lethal to women. Largely because of the increasing use of antibiotic drugs, overall maternal mortality had been steadily declining for many years and had begun to drop dramatically after World War II. For example between 1915, and 1919 there were 727.9 maternal deaths nationwide per 100,000 live births. In 1945, by contrast, there were only 207.2 such death, and  by 1960 there were only thirty-seven maternal deaths per 100, 000 live births. 
** p.74

* The presence of a strict law satisfied those who wanted to believe that virtually all abortions should be outlawed whereas the much broader interpretation of the law in actual medial practice satisfied those who felt that embryos were only potential persons and that embryonic rights were far less compelling than the rights of mothers. Since the fundamental ideological differences between the two views were hidden from the public ( to be weighed in individual cases by individual doctors), this form of compromise worked reasonably well for many years. &lt;br&gt; It is therefore of great historical importance that in the early 1960s the efforts of the first reform constituency-the persons concerned with the problems of illegal abortion-came to be supported by a more actively involved interest group whose stake in the issue was more direct. This new group prefigured by the two obstetricians who testified at the 1962 hearings, was composed of physicians who saw the ideological consensus within the medical profession breaking down and sought to have explicit new ground rules on abortion spelled out. &lt;br&gt; The consensus was being broken down by several forces. First, and probably foremost, was the improvement in obstetrical science, which by the 1950s had virtually eliminated the need to perform abortions simply in order to save the life of the mother. In California, as elsewhere, abortions were usually undertaken because of psychiatric indications. For reasons outlined in the previous chapter, once the “cover” of strictly medical conditions began to evaporate, physicians began to make abortion decisions that were perceived by their colleagues and the general public alike as less “technical” than moral.
** pp.76-77

* Here is how one physician, who became one of the earliest and most prominent abortion law reformers of the early 1960s, described the situation in the 1950s: &lt;br&gt; I wasn’t really interested in reshaping the law; ‘’I considered what I was doing was acting within the law then.’’ You have to realize we lived in an entirely different legal climate then. . . . There were malpractice, illegal activity, and professional liability aspects, but [they were[ relatively rare. It should have to be that somebody died [in an abortion] under most unusual circumstances. Doctors were not being sued like they are now, but there was always the rumbling in the background- “if the district attorney hears about this, we might be faced with criminal charges.” . . . When we’d consult [our lawyers] and say, “We think this patient should be aborted, but we don’t know if this is life-threatening or not,” they’d say, “Well, you might be sued” You don’t know anything about the disease and its relation to pregnancy. What effect does the pregnancy have on the disease? What effect doe the disease have on the pregnancy? And so we would go ahead on the basis that it was a life-threatening disease or situation. But [such cases] were rare, you might have one or two in the hospital in a year, and it took a great deal of work to accumulate even six or eight cases. But there was always the implication in the background that the district attorney, if he decided to make an issue of this, it could be a legal problem because even the district attorney couldn’t interpret the law. &lt;br&gt; As this statement suggests, the early physician-activists were primarily interested in securing legal backing for what they were already doing. They were in effect already using a “broad construction”” of the law, which they believed was accepted by their colleagues as ethical; they wanted  ]their decision-making rights explicitly written into law, just to be on the safe side.
** p.78

* Once there came to be an obvious difference of opinion among physicians about the moral status of abortion rather than the technical grounds for it, the control of abortion was open to new claims. It is not surprising that after one group of physicians (the “broad constructionists”) asked state legislature to make ''some'' changes in the law, other interest groups were encouraged to press their demands. In other words, it is conceivable that the public movement on abortion might never have been successful had physicians not sought to amend the law that gave them the right to control abortion in the first place. Had the medical profession been able to maintain its consensus that abortion was an appropriate enterprise for physicians (and only physicians) and had it not sought legal sanction for one interpretation of the law, non professionals might have had little luck with their claim that abortion was a ''woman’s right''. &lt;br&gt; Perhaps the point can be made in yet another way, by comparing the success of the abortion reform activists with the relative failure of those who claim that control over the experience of childbirth is a woman’s right. Despite considerable public discussion by feminists about the need for women to seize control of labor and delivery, the fact remains that for the overwhelming majority of pregnancies, physicians have the upper hand when it comes to decision-making. Managing pregnancy, birth, and delivery continues to be almost unanimously claimed by the medical profession as a ''technical'' enterprise. However much the physician may wish to please a pregnant woman, the physician can still claim to be the possessor of technical information beyond the ken of the lay person and must therefore be the ultimate decision-maker “for the patient’s own good.” &lt;br&gt; Thus before abortion could become a “women’s issue,” the medical profession had to give up or lose its claim to technical control over abortion. As soon as some physicians were willing to publicly criticize the practice of colleagues on grounds of principle, the legitimate control over abortion by physicians was at an end, an the field was cleared for new contenders.
** pp.109-110

* The rhetoric of liberal physicians in support of the Beilenson bill was a signal to interested groups that physicians were no longer in agreement about their control over abortion and that there was room for change. However much women as a group may have wanted to seek control over abortion, they were largely without influence until they took up the new tactics introduced by groups like SHA across the United States: civil disobedience, public speaking to any group that would listen, and, most important, use of the rhetoric that women had a right to abortion. These tactics transformed the debate. Now women who wanted abortions were no longer victims, a less-than-legitimate group of rule breakers who wanted the rules changed simply because they had “gotten caught.” Rather, they were women who were crusading for a basic civil right-the right of a woman to “own the flesh she stands in,” as one of them had put it. &lt;br&gt; It was of central importance that by the time physicians began to visibly relinquish their control over abortion, SHA’s “consciousness raising” activities throughout the state had created a group of women ready to accept a new “”definition of the situation.” They were no longer interested in simply expanding the legal grounds on which doctors could perform abortions. They wanted to make women, not doctors, the ultimate decision-makers about abortion.
** p.110

=== &quot;'Sanctuary city for the unborn': All-male city council in Texas town bans most abortions&quot; (6/13/2019) ===
&lt;small&gt; Miller, Ryan W. [https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2019/06/13/waskom-texas-declared-sanctuary-city-unborn-bans-abortion/1443699001/ &quot;'Sanctuary city for the unborn': All-male city council in Texas town bans most abortions&quot;]. Usatoday.com. (6/13/2019) &lt;/small&gt;
* A small town in Texas has declared itself the state's first &quot;sanctuary city for the unborn&quot; after its city council, made up solely of men, passed a resolution banning most abortion procedures. &lt;br&gt; Waskom, Texas, has no abortion services available, but supporters of the ordinance wanted a measure to prevent an abortion clinic from being able to open in the city of roughly 2,000, KTAL-TV reported.
* According to KETK-TV, the Waskom measure calls Roe v. Wade and laws that permit abortion &quot;unconstitutional usurpations of judicial power ... and are null and void in the City of Waskom.” &lt;br&gt; Before the vote, Mayor Jesse Moore told the city council and residents that the town probably would face a lawsuit for the ordinance but that it couldn't afford to lose the challenge. &lt;br&gt; Moore said he hoped the Supreme Court would use a legal challenge to the declaration to look at Roe v. Wade again. However, it's not clear whether the nation's highest court will take on any case that could potentially reverse the Roe decision. Abortion-rights groups have already filed challenges to recent laws in states such as Alabama and Ohio.
* &quot;We decided to take things into our own hands and that we have got to do something to protect our cities and to protect the unborn children,&quot; Mark Lee Dickson, director of East Texas Right to Life, said, according to KETK-TV.
* Waskom is just a short drive from Shreveport, Louisiana, and Moore said that he feared a Louisiana abortion clinic may want to move to Waskom after the law passed, the Longview (Texas) News-Journal reported.

=== &quot;The Supreme Court hands down its first anti-abortion decision of the Amy Coney Barrett era&quot; (January 13, 2021) ===
&lt;small&gt; Millhauser, Ian (January 13, 2021). [https://www.vox.com/22227912/supreme-court-anti-abortion-amy-coney-barrett-era-fda-american-college-sonia-sotomayor-john-roberts &quot;The Supreme Court hands down its first anti-abortion decision of the Amy Coney Barrett era&quot;]. Vox. Retrieved January 13, 2021. &lt;/small&gt;
* On the surface, the Supreme Court’s decision in FDA v. American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, which was handed down Tuesday evening, is fairly minor.  &lt;br&gt; The case involves a Food and Drug Administration requirement that a pill used in medication abortions must be distributed to patients directly by health providers and not by retail or mail-order pharmacies. A lower court temporarily suspended this requirement during the pandemic; the Supreme Court’s decision effectively reinstates the requirement. &lt;br&gt; The Court released no majority opinion, which means that the decision in American College does not explicitly change existing legal doctrine. 
* Read between the lines, however, and American College warns of a dark future for abortion rights.  &lt;br&gt; The premise of pro-abortion rights decisions like Roe v. Wade (1973) is that the Constitution provides special protection to the right to an abortion that it doesn’t provide to other elective medical procedures. Yet, as Justice Sonia Sotomayor explains in dissent, American College effectively rules that a commonly used abortion drug may be regulated more harshly than any other legal medication.  &lt;br&gt; Although Chief Justice John Roberts wrote an opinion explaining that he would decide the case on very narrow grounds — holding that courts should defer to public health agencies during the pandemic — no other justice in the majority joined this opinion.
* While mifepristone is often taken at home, the Food and Drug Administration only allows the drug to be dispensed at hospitals, clinics, or other medical offices. It is not available at retail or mail-order pharmacies. &lt;br&gt; This limit on who can dispense mifepristone has been in effect for more than 20 years, and it’s ordinarily a fairly minor limit on abortion rights. During the Covid-19 pandemic, however, it is potentially a significant burden on patients’ ability to terminate their pregnancies. &lt;br&gt; In the midst of a deadly pandemic, any trip outside of the home — including a trip to an abortion clinic — can potentially expose individuals to the coronavirus. Moreover, as Justice Sotomayor explains in her dissent, “three-quarters of abortion patients have low incomes, making them more likely to rely on public transportation to get to a clinic to pick up their medication.” &lt;br&gt; That means that these patients “must bear further risk of exposure while they travel, sometimes for several hours each way, to clinics often located far from their homes.”
* Indeed, in no small part due to concerns that patients who need to travel in order to pick up medications could become infected with Covid-19, the FDA has eased many restrictions on prescription drugs for as long as the pandemic rages.  &lt;br&gt; The federal government, Sotomayor notes, “has urged healthcare providers and patients to take advantage of telemedicine.” It has “waived many in-person drug distribution requirements because they could ‘put patients and others at risk for transmission of the coronavirus,’” and it has also waived certain mandatory tests that ordinarily must be conducted before certain drugs can be prescribed. &lt;br&gt; And yet, under the Trump administration, the FDA has refused to relax restrictions on mifepristone. It even appears to have singled mifepristone out for particularly restrictive treatment. As Sotomayor writes, “of the over 20,000 FDA-approved drugs, mifepristone is the only one that the FDA requires to be picked up in person for patients to take at home.”
* Instead of holding that abortion is a constitutional right entitled to special protection by the courts, the decision in American College suggests that the government may treat abortion-related treatments more harshly than any other medical treatment.
* Of the six conservative justices, only Chief Justice John Roberts explained why he voted the way he did, and Roberts’s opinion, for what it’s worth, disclaims any suggestion that American College is a broad attack on abortion rights.  &lt;br&gt; “The question before us is not whether the requirements for dispensing mifepristone impose an undue burden on a woman’s right to an abortion as a general matter.” Rather, Roberts writes, he believes that “courts owe significant deference to the politically accountable entities with the ‘background, competence, and expertise to assess public health’” when deciding how the government should respond to the pandemic. &lt;br&gt; But Roberts is the most moderate member of the Court’s Republican majority. And his views matter far less than they used to, now that a majority of the Court is more conservative than he is. The five most conservative justices — a bloc of judges that is large enough to hand down binding decisions with or without Roberts — did not join Roberts’s opinion or otherwise explain their votes.

=== “Abortion in America The Origins and Evolution of National Policy 1800-1900” (1978) ===
&lt;small&gt; James C. Mohr, [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Abortion_in_America/0moyq1cxDV0C?hl=en&amp;gbpv=1 “Abortion in America The Origins and Evolution of National Policy 1800-1900”], ''Oxford University Press'', (1978) &lt;/small&gt;
* In the absence of any legislation whatsoever on the subject of abortion in the United States in 1800, the legal status of the practice was governed by the traditional British common law as interpreted by the local courts of the new American states. For centuries prior to 1800 the key to the common law’s attitude toward abortion has been a phenomenon associated with normal gestation known as quickening. Quickening was the first perception of fetal movement by the pregnant woman herself. Quickening generally occurred near the midpoint of gestation, late in the fourth or early in the fifth month, though it would and still does vary a good deal from one woman to another. The common law did not formally recognize the existence of a fetus in criminal case until it had quickened. After quickening, the expulsion and destruction of a fetus without due cause was considered a crime, because the fetus itself had manifested some semblance of a separate existence: the ability to move. The crime was qualitatively different from the destruction of a human being, however, and punished less harshly. Before quickening, actions that had the effect of terminating what turned out to have been an early pregnancy were not considered criminal under the common law in effect in England and the United States in 1800.
** pp.3-4

* An ability to suspend one’s modern preconceptions and to accept the early nineteenth century on its own terms regarding the distinction between quick and unquick was absolutely crucial to an understanding of the evolution of abortion policy in the United States. However doubtful the notion appears to modern readers, the distinction was virtually universal in America during the early decades of the nineteenth century and accepted in good faith Perhaps the strongest evidence of the tenacity and universality of the doctrine in the United States was the fact that American courts pointedly sustained the most lenient implications of the quickening doctrine ever after the British themselves had abandoned them. In 1803 Parliament passed a law, the details of which will be discussed in the next chapter, that made abortion before quickening a criminal offense in England for the first time. But the common law in the United States, as legal scholars have pointed out, was becoming more flexible and more tolerant in the early decades of the nineteenth century, especially in sex-related areas, not more restrictive. 
** p.5

* In 1812 the Massachusetts Supreme Court made clear the legal distance between the new British statute on abortion and American attitudes toward the practice. In October of that year the justices dismissed charges against a man named Isaiah Bangs not on the grounds that Bangs had not prepared and administered an abortifacient potion; he probably had. They freed Bangs because the indictment against him did not aver “that the woman was quick with child at the tie.” In Massachusetts, the court was asserting, an abortion early in pregnancy would remain beyond the scope of the law and not a crime. ''Commonwealth v. Bangs'' remained the ruling precedent in cases of abortion in the United States through the first half of the nineteenth century and, in most states, for some years beyond  midcentury. &lt;br&gt; Prosecutors took the precedent so much for granted that indictments for abortion prior to quickening were virtually never brought into American courts. Every time the issue arose prior to 1850, the same conclusion was sustained: the interruption of a suspected pregnancy prior to quickening was not a crime in itself.
** pp.5-6

* Because women believed themselves to be carrying inert non-beings prior to quickening, a potential for life rather than life itself, and because the common law permitted them to attempt to rid themselves of suspected and unwanted pregnancies up to the point when the potential for life gave a sure sign that it was developing into something actually alive, some American women did practice abortion in the early decades of the nineteenth century. One piece of evidence for this conclusion was the ready access American women had to abortifacient information form 1800 onward. A chief source of such information was the home medical literature of the era.
* p.6

* Home medical manuals characteristically contained abortifacient information in two different sections. One listed in explicit detail a number of procedures that might release “obstructed menses” and the other identified a number of specific things to be avoided in a suspected pregnancy because they were thought to bring on abortion. Americans probably consulted William Buchan’s ''Domestic Medicine'' more frequently than any other home medical guide during the first decades of the nineteenth century. Buchan suggested several courses of action designed to restore menstrual flow if a period was missed. These included bloodletting, bathing, iron and quinine concoctions, and if those failed, “a tea-spoonful of the tincture of black hellebore [a violent purgative]. . . twice a day in a cup of warm water.” Four pages later he listed among “the common causes” of abortion “great evacuations [and] vomiting,” exactly as would be produced by the treatment he urged for suppressed menses Later in pregnancy a venturesome, or desperate, woman could try some of the other abortion inducers he ticked off: “violent exercise; raising great weights; reaching too high; jumping, or stepping from an eminence; strokes [strong blows] on the belly; [and] falls.” &lt;br&gt; American women of the early nineteenth century who wanted more detailed information could consult books like Samuel K. Jennings’s ''The Married Lady’s Companion''. The Jennings volume, which billed itself in subtitle as a ''Poor Man’s Friend'', had its second printing in 1808 and was intended for women in rural areas, where there were no physicians, and for families unable to afford a doctor’s fee. The book was remarkably straightforward about advising otherwise healthy girls afflicted with “what you call a ''common cold''.” “Taking the cold” was a common nineteenth century euphemism for missing a menstrual period, and there can be no doubt that Jenning’s italics sufficiently alerted his readers. Jennings favored bleeding from the foot, hot baths, doses of calomel and aloes. Calomel was prescribed for almost anything in the early decades of the nineteenth century; aloes, another strong cathartic, remained a standard ingredient in abortifacient preparations for the next hundred years. &lt;br&gt; Like most early abortion material, Buchan’s and Jenning’s advice harked back to almost primordial or instinctual methods of ending a pregnancy. Bloodletting, for example, was evidently thought to serve as a surrogate period; it was hoped that bleeding from any part of the body might have the same flushing effect upon the womb that menstrual bleeding was known to have. This primitive folk belief lingered long into the nineteenth century, well after bleeding was abandoned as medical therapy in other kinds of cases, and it was common for abortionists as late as the 1870s to pull a tooth as part of their routine. This procedure had been given learned sanction in 1808, when the first American edition of John Burns’s classic ''Observations on Abortion'' appeared. Burns, a Glasgow medical professor whose volume remained a standard for half a century, was primarily concerned with spontaneous miscarriage rather than induced abortion, but twice in different contexts stated: “The pulling of a tooth . . . sometimes suddenly produces abortion.” Aside from the pain and shock of an extraction without anesthetic, which probably could induce miscarriage in some women, the process must have been psychologically akin to pulling a plug for the patient. In later years it also offered the sophisticated abortionist a medical camouflage upon which he or she might blame possible postoperative complications. Similarly, bathing, though it may have had some abortive effect as a muscle relaxer and a source of internal infection, probably went back to primitive beliefs that the pregnancy could simply be washed away, physically expunged. Finally, Jennings, recommendations of calomel and aloes paralleled Buchan’s reliance on black hellebore. These substances were ingested on the reasonably plausible theory that a sufficiently violent disruption of the lower digestive tract might cause the uterus to empty its contents also. This belief became the basis of a booming pharmaceutical business in abortifacient preperations, which will be discussed later in another context. 
** p.6-8

* Joseph Brevitt’s ''The Female Medical Repository'', which was published in Baltimore in 1810, made many of the same points that Buchan and Jennings made, but added some significant details. Brevitt liked hellebore and aloes, but he considered savin especially effective. Savin, as Brevitt’s work reminded American women, had a tremendous advantage in the United States over hellebore or aloes because any woman could easily obtain some simply by extracting the oil from one of  the common juniper bushes that  grew wild  all over North America. Both black hellebore and aloes, on the other hand, had to be imported and were, as a result, expensive. Reports of attempted abortion by ingesting savin, and of accidental death from savin overdoses, reained common throughout the nineteenth century. There can be little doubt that juniper extract was the single most commonly employed folk abortifacient in the United States during the early decades of the nineteenth century. Jalap, scammony, and bitter apple could also be tried in a pinch, according to ‘’The Female Medical Repository’’. Brevitt asserted that the French referred horehound, and he believed, wrongly, that amdder root worked directlyupon the muscles of the uterus itself. He cautioned against cantharides, or Spanish fly, because he considered it dangerous to the urinary tract, but the fact that he made such a warning suggests that at least some women were trying it for abortifacient purposes. “Electricity”, he added, “generally and sometimes locally applies, has frequently been known to restore the discharge.” This idea, too, was subsequently picked up by later nineteenth-century entrepreneurs, who developed a number of galvanic contraptions designed to aid women who were “obstructed”. &lt;br&gt; After listing the usual “external causes” of abortions, which included riding, jumping, falls, and the like, Brevitt added an asterisk and a footnote that helped confirm further the fact that Americans from an early period were practicing abortion: “I feel constrained to note here, the horrid depravity of human weakness, in wretches lost to every sense of religion, morality, and that natural attachment from a mother to her offspring, and every tender tie in nature, seek the means to procure abortion: nor are there wanted, in the other sex, infernals wicked enough to aid their endeavors.” Considering the detailed abortifacient information that Brevitt’s own volume contained, that statement might appear singularly disingenuous. But it probably was not. In Brevitt’s terms the word “abortion” implied the termination of a pregnancy ‘’after’’ the pregnancy was certain, that is, after quickening. He was testifying that even ‘’illegal’’ abortions were being performed in the United States in 1810, abortions after quickening, and that some physicians were willing to provide abortion services for women at virtually any stage of gestation. The procedures Brevitt counseled, even though they were designed to bring on what the twentieth century would call an abortion, were not considered criminally abortifacient either in Brevitt’s terms or in the opintion of hiss readers, unless a woman persisted in them after she quickened.
** pp.8-10

* The Virginian Thomas Ewell, a surgeon at Navy Hospital I Washington, D.C., was another who wrote forthrightly about unblocking obstructed menses in his ''Letter to Ladies'', published in 1817. Like many before him, he urged hot sitz baths, doses of aloes, and a number of straining exercises. Walking, horseback riding, and jumping, the more the better, all helped bring on abortion, he counseled, especially at the time menses would normally have occurred had the last period not been missed. Ewell, too, thought electricity through the thighs might end a suppression and that light bleeding could be beneficial. To those rather elemental staples, however, Ewell added some medically more advanced ideas including internal douching with strong brandy, water as hot as could be tolerated, vinegar, wine, or strong brine. Considering that the book appeared in 1817, this was reasonably sophisticated advice. Though Ewell could not have known anything about bacteria, each of the douches he recommended (assuming that the water was cooled from a boil) was fairly antiseptic.  Moreover, he correctly speculated that the douches were not abortifacients themselves but provoked menstrual flow by causing cervical irritation, as in fact, they might have done. If forced into the uterus itself after cervical dilation, which was something medical practitioners knew how to do, such solutions would almost certainly have been effective abortifacients and not prohibitively unsafe.
** pp.10-11

* In addition to home medical guides and health manuals addressed to women, abortions and abortifacient information were also available in the United States from midwives and midwifery texts. Midwives has long enjoyed a dubious reputation as abortion procuresses both in England and in America This led to difficult problems for male physicians like valentine Seaman, who wanted to upgrade America’s midwife corps. Seaman, who was physician to the lying-in (maternity) ward of the New York city Almshouse and also associated with New York Hospital, taught midwifery. In his classes he had to instruct midwives on how to perform abortions in order that they might meet such crises as the death of a fetus in utero or an incomplete spontaneous abortion or a badly handled intentional abortion begun by someone else. But when he published his lectures in 1800, he was at considerable pains to point out that he cautioned new midwives against prescribing for obstructed menses on their own, lest they inadvertently becomes the dupes of women who already knew they were pregnant and wanted abortions. Again the caution suggests that some American women were approaching midwives for abortifacient services. &lt;br&gt; Herbal healers, the so-called Indian doctors, and various other irregular practitioners also helped spread abortifacient information in the United States during the early decades of the nineteenth century. Their surviving pamphlets, of which Peter Smith’s 1813 brochure entitled “The Indian Doctor’s Dispensary” is an example, contained abortiacient recipes that typically combined the better-known cathartics with native North American ingredients thought to have emmenagogic properties. For “obstructed menses” Smith recommended a concoction he called “Dr Reeder’s chalybeate.” The key ingredients were myrrh and aloes, combined with liquor, sugar, vinegar, iron dust, ivy, and Virginia or Seneca snakeroot. A sweet-and-sour cocktail like that may or may not have induced abortion, but must certainly have jolted the system of any woman who tried one.
** pp.11-12

* The snakeroot to which Smith referred appears to have been another of the popular folk abortifacients used in the United States early in the nineteenth century. When Thomas Massie, a medical student at the Uniersity of Pennsylvania, wrote his 803 doctoral dissertation on the properties of ‘’Polygala Senega’’, he quoted a letter from an eminent medical man in Hartford Country, Maryland, to the effect that Seneca snakeroot was frequently used among the illiterate rural population of his area “intentionally to destroy the foetus in utero.”” Massie’s thesis, subsequently selected for publication in 1806, put forward the likelihood that Seneca acted directly upo the uterus itself, as he and Brevitt and others also believed madder did, and that regular physicians might ‘administer it “with great advantage… to those laboring under obstructed catamenia.” Thirty years later John B Beck, by then the nation’s leading authority on the medical jurisprudence of abortion, confirmed that Seneca “has now been known and used in this country for a number of years, for the purpose of acting on the uterine organ, with a view of restoring menstrual secretion.” Beck added along the same line that folk doctors also liked common North American black cohosh, sometimes called squawroot, for the ssame purpose. Native Indian women evidently employed an herbal brew of cohosh as an emanagogue and, according to Beck, the same brew for the same purpose was “a good deal used by our American practitioners.”
** pp.12,14

* Finally, and most importantly, America’s regular physicians, those who had formal medical training either in the United States or in Great Britain or had been apprenticed under a regular doctor, clearly possessed the physiological knowledge and the surgical techniques necessary to terminate a pregnancy by mechanical means. They knew that dilation of the cervix at virtually any stage of gestation would generally bring on uterine contractions that would in turn lead to the expulsion of the contents of the uterus. They knew that  any irritation introduced into the uterus would have the same effect. They knew that rupturing the amniotic sac, especially in the middle and later months of pregnancy, would usually also induce contractions and expulsion, regardless of whether the fetus was viable. Indeed, they were taught in their lecture courses and in their textbooks various procedures much more complex than a simple abortion, such as in utero decapitation and fetal pulverization, processes they were instructed to imply in lieu of the even more horribly dangerous Caesarean section. Like the general public, they knew the drugs and herbs most commonly used as abortifacients and emmenagogues, and also like the general public, they believed such preparations to have been frequently effective. &lt;br&gt; Moreover, there is little reason to doubt that American physicians sometimes used their knowledge to terminate unwanted pregnancies for their patients. Walter Channing, who lectured on midwifery and the diseases off women and children at the Harvard Medical School during the 1820s, taught his students that pregnancy was impossible to diagnose with complete accuracy during the early months of gestation. Textbooks repeated the same dictum. Even John Beck, an opponent of induced abortions at any stage of gestation, had to assert unequivocally that pregnancy could not be legally determined beyond all doubt prior to quickening. As a medical student reminded himself in his lecture notebook very early in the nineteenth century: “When reliance can be put on the account of ye patient, there is no fear of confounding this disease [amenorrhea or blocked menstrual flow] with any o[ther]. [W]e cannot always determine the state of the patient, the Menses should be wanting during pregnancy, and those who want to conceal pregnancy often pretend that they are subject to a variety of symptoms in on sequence of the obstructed menses.” &lt;br&gt; This placed great pressure on physicians to provide what amounted to abortion services early in pregnancy. An unmarried girl who feared herself pregnant, for example, could approach her family doctor and ask to be treated for menstrual blockage If he hoped to retain the girl and her family as future patients, the physician would have little choice but to accept the girl’s assessment of the situation, even if he suspected otherwise. He realized that every member of his procession would testify to the fact that he had no totally reliable means of distinguishing between an early pregnancy, on the one hand, and the amenorrhea that the girl claimed, on the other. Consequently, he treated for obstruction, which involved exactly the same procedures he would  have reused to induce an early abortion, and wittingly or unwittingly terminated the pregnancy. Regular physicians were also asked to bring to safe conclusion abortions that irregulars or women themselves had initiated. ''The Medical Recorder'' of Philadelphia detailed exactly such a case in 1825 and the regular who was called upon, despite some moral qualms, considered it is his duty to finish the job for the young woman involved. And through all of this the physician might bear in mind that he could never be held legally guilty of wrongdoing. No statues existed anywhere in the United States on the subject of abortion, and the common law, as reaffirmed in America in the ''Bangs'' case, considered abortion actionable only after a pregnancy had quickened. No wonder then that Heber C. Kimball, recalling his courtship with a woman he married in 1822, claimed that she had been “taught…in our young days, when she got into the family way, to send for a doctor and get rid of the child’’; a course that sh followed. 
** pp.14-16

* In summary, hen, the practice of aborting unwanted pregnancies was, if not common, almost certainly not rare in the United States during the first decades of the nineteenth century. A knowledge of various drugs, potions, and techniques was available from home medical guides, from health books for women, from midwives and irregular practitioners, and from trained physicians. Substantial evidence suggests that many American women sought abortions, tried the standard techniques of the day, and no doubt succeeded some proportion of the time in terminating unwanted pregnancies. Moreover, this practice was neither morally nor legally wrong in the eyes of the vast majority of Americans, provided it was accomplished before quickening. &lt;br&gt; The actual number of abortions in the United States prior to the advent of any states regulating its practice simply cannot be known. But an equally significant piece of information about those abortions can be gleaned from the historical record. It concerns the women who were having them. Virtually every observer through the middle of the 1850s believed that an overwhelming percentage of the American women who sought and succeeded in having abortions did 
** p.16

*[T]he regulars bitterly opposed what they regarded as quack theories, though in truth many of the irregulars advocated courses of treatment less detrimental to health than the regulars’ own. &lt;br&gt; There was more at stake for regulars, however, than matters of principle and questions of theory, important as they were. The unrestricted entry of irregulars into the medical field, particularly between 1820 and 1850, also produced an intense competition for paying patients that hurt the regulars badly. As Edward C. Atwater made clear in a fine study of this phenomenon in a single small city, Rochester, New York, the problem was very real. Doctors’ incomes fell sharply and regular physicians were being driven not only from high social status, but out of the profession itself. &lt;br&gt; In the face of such crises many regular physicians in the United States decided to try to defend both their medical theories and their material livelihoods in the best way they could: through the state legislatures. The regulars perceived that their educational credentials, their persuasive powers, and their generally well-established social background would, in the long run, give them something of an advantage over their rivals in those public forums. Their ongoing and ultimately successful efforts to influence medical related legislation of all kinds became crucial to the evolution of abortion policy at the state level because, unlike most of their irregular rivals and unlike a majority of the American people, regular physicians opposed abortion not only after quickening but before quickening as well. 
**p.34

*The regulars’ opposition to abortion was partly ideological, partly scientific, partly moral, and partly practical. Ideologically, one of the things that distinguished the regulars was their adherence to the Hippocratic Oath, and the Hippocratic Oath condemned abortion. In this respect the father of medicine had also held a distinctly minority view in his own society; both Plato and Aristotle, for example, condoned the practice. Yet Hippocrates’s creed had become one of the touchstones of regular medicine in the United States by the early nineteenth century, and the oath was considered the basic platform upon which the regulars were attempting to upgrade the ethical standards of their profession in a host of different areas, not just in regard to abortion. Since opposition to abortion was in that creed, the regulars tried to stick by it. In one of the earliest cases of ethical self-regulation in the United States, the Oneida County (New York) Medical Society expelled an unwanted member in 1834 on the official pretext that he had performed an abortion.
**pp.34-35

*Scientifically, regulars had realized for some time that conception inaugurated a more or less continuous process of development, which would produce a new human being if uninterrupted. Consequently, they attacked the quickening doctrine on the logical grounds that quickening was a step neither more nor less crucial in the process of gestation than any other. John Beck, for example, in his long-standard 1823 discussion off abortion from the standpoint of medical jurisprudence, put forward two different theories to explain the physiology of quickening in an effort to lessen its importance, though he admitted that  the continued viability of that doctrine had a “direct tendency . . . to countenance . . . abortion, at least in the earlier stages of pregnancy.” Before Beck, Burns, too, had denied that there was anything physiologically special about quickening, and had opposed any attempt to “prevent life from continuing, until it arrive at perfection” once conception had taken place. &lt;br&gt; From the scientific reasoning stemmed the regulars’ moral opposition to abortion at any stage in gestation. If society considered it unjustifiable to terminate a pregnancy after the fetus had quickened, and if quickening was a relatively unimportant, almost incidental step in the overall gestation process, then it was just as wrong to terminate pregnancy before quickening as after quickening. Regulars believed it immoral, in other words, to make a life or death decision on the basis of a distinction that they could demonstrate to have very little relation to life or death.
**pp.35-36

*There was more to the physicians’ moral opposition to abortion than scientific logic, however, for another dimension also emerged forcefully form their writings throughout the nineteenth century. The nation’s regular doctors, probably more than any other identifiable group in American society during the nineteenth century, including the clergy, defended the value of human life per se as an absolute. Scholars interested in the medical mentality of the nineteenth century will have to explain the reasons for this ideological position. It may have been related to the physicians’ role as social and intellectual modernizers in a world that still took largely for granted the assumption that a widespread and routine destruction of life was part of the human condition; it may have been related to the fact that physicians tended to be men who wished to find secular absolutes to replace spiritual ones; it may have been related to the physicians’ psychological commitment as ministers and defenders of life against the forces seen and unseen trying to snuff it out; or it may have been related to factors that historians simply do not yet fully understand. But whatever the reasons, regular physicians felt very strongly indeed on the issue of protecting human life. And once they had decided that human life was present to some extent in a newly fertilized ovum, however limited that extent might be, they became the fierce opponents of any attack upon it.
**p.36

*Practically, the regular physicians saw in abortion a medical procedure that not only gave the competition an edge but also undermined the solidarity of  their own regular tanks. If a regular doctor refused to perform an abortion, he knew the woman could go to one of several types of irregulars and probably receive one. And, as the regulars themselves pointed out, it was not so much the short-term loss of a fee for the abortion that upset them, but the prospects of a long-term loss of patients. As more and more irregulars began to advertise abortion services openly, especially after 1840, regular physicians grew more and more nervous about losing their practices to healers who would provide a service that more and more American women after 1840 began to want. Yet, if regular gave in to the temptation to perform an occasional discreet abortion, and physicians testified repeatedly that this frequently happened among the regulars, he would be compromising his own commitment to an American medical practice that would conform to Hippocratic standards of behavior. The best way out of these dilemmas was to persuade state legislators to make abortion criminal offense. Anti-abortion laws would weaken the appeal of the competition and take the pressure off the more marginal members of the regulars’ own sect. For all of these reasons, regular physicians became interested in abortion policy from an early date and repeatedly dragged it into their prolonged struggle to control the practice of medicine in the United States. At times abortion policy became a focal point in that struggle, at times an incidentally affected by-product, but the struggle itself was always there in the background. 
**p.37

*Consider the situation in New York once again in this context. The regular physicians there, by controlling through the speaker of the assembly all appointments to the standing committee on medical practice, had pushed through the legislature in 1827 the toughest medical regulation law the state had ever had, tougher than the so-called Anti-Quack Act of 1819. The 1827 law granted great power to the regular physicians, who were organized as the state medical society, by declaring the unauthorized practice of medicine a misdemeanor. There is every reason to believe that these regulars, who were still influential in Albany the following year, were the “old and experienced surgeons” to whom the revisers of 1828 said they listened when they drew up the medically related sections of the state code, including the specially set aside section proscribing abortion for the first time in the United States in terms approaching Ellenborough’s. Moreover, not only does the proscription of abortion itself make sense in this context of a temporary ascendancy of the regulars in their long battle to control medical practice at the state level, but so also does the sudden appearance for the first time of a therapeutic exception that stipulated consultation with at least “two physicians” before performing an abortion for medical reasons.
**p.37

* By the early 1840s, between 30,000 and 40,000 people were said to have signed petitions opposed to the rigid regulation and regularization of medicine in New York. Under these circumstances, New York’s statutory prohibition of abortion, which could have been interpreted to cover abortions before quickening as well as after quickening, lay buried in code, unenforced. A precedent has been established for future abortion policies, but the practice of abortion itself was little affected by the legislation of 1828 in New York. &lt;br&gt; The decade of the 1830s, generally speaking, was one of wide-open medical practices throughout the nation, not just in New York. New York’s foray into medical regulation was not widely imitated elsewhere, and those states that had passed medical practice acts similar to New York’s 1827 law repealed them during the 1830s. Consequently, it is not surprising that the period was not one of vigorous anti-abortion activity in state legislatures. One of the exceptions was Ohio. In 1834 legislators there made attempted abortion a misdemeanor without specifying any stage of gestation, and they made the death of either the mother or the fetus after quickening a felony.
** p.39

=== “The making of pro-life activists: how social movement mobilization works” (2008) ===
&lt;small&gt; Munson, Ziad W. (2008). [https://books.google.com/books?id=UFaCtYtIAjgC&amp;pg=PA85 “The making of pro-life activists: how social movement mobilization works”]. ''University of Chicago Press''. ISBN 978-0-226-55120-3. Retrieved 31 December 2011. &lt;/small&gt;
* The partisan valence of the abortion issue had not yet developed in these early years of the pro-life movement. Today pro-life political views are strongly tied to the Republican Party, while pro-choice views are tied to the Democrats. This had not always been true. The Republicans first adopted a pro-life position in their national party platform in 1980. At the same time, longtime Democrat Jesse Jackson spoke out consistently against abortion rights throughout the late 1970s and early 1980s. In a 1977 article written for the NRLC newsletter, Jackson explained that “human beings cannot give or create life by themselves, it really is a gift from God. Therefore, one does not have the right to take away (through abortion) that which he does not have the ability to give.” Prominent pro-life leaders have also been committed Democrats. Jackie Schweitz, who led MCCL for eighteen years until 2001, was active in the Democratic the Democratic Party through the 1980s.
** pp.86-87

* Although the contours of the conflict looked different in the first fifteen years of the movement, the political and legal story of abortion since 1973 had shown a consistent pattern of slow but steady erosion of the rights granted to women by the landmark Supreme Court decisions. At the same time, the basic finding of those decisions-that women have a legal right to abortion at least under some circumstances-has been consistently and repeatedly confirmed. State legislatures, the U.S. Congress, and the courts were the primary venues in the battle over abortion beginning in 1973. Both the legislative and judicial systems have faced an avalanche of abortion-related bills and cases since that time. Legislatures in all fifty states review hundreds of new pieces of legislation annually that affect abortion services.
** p.87

* Abortion is one of the most common medical procedures in the United States. More than one pregnancy in five is ended by abortion, a total of 1.29 million abortions in 2002 and more than 42 million since the procedure was legalized in 1973 (Finer et al 2005). Before the age of forty-five, fully a third of all U.S. women will have one or more abortions (Henshaw 1998). The ubiquity of abortion in American life has done little to reduce the controversy that continues to surround it. Survey evidence suggests that abortion is one of the only morally charged social issued about which American opinion has become more polarized over the last three decades (DiMaggio, Evans, and Bryson 1996; Hour 1999; Evans 2003). The battle over the issue is evident in the political realm: state legislatures considered more than 1,120 pieces of legislation related to abortion in 2006 alone (NARAL 1007). Abortion was the central focus of the debates over the confirmation of Supreme Court justices John Roberts and Samuel Alito in 2005 and 2006. The 2007 Supreme Court decision overturning the constitutional requirement for a health exception in any state abortion ban has once again put the issue squarely at the top of the national agenda.
** p.89

* The absolute number of abortions as well as the abortion rate grew steadily after 1973. The highest recorded number of reported abortions (1.61 million) occurred in 1990; the highest abortion rate (29.3 per one thousand women of childbearing age) occurred in 1981 (Jones et al. 2008). Since that time, both the number of abortions and the abortion rate have steadily declined. In 2005, there were an estimated 1.21 million abortions and an abortion rate of only 19.4 per one thousand women (Jones et al. 2008). The causes of this decline are hotly debated and include changes in ideas about abortion, couples’ contraceptive habits, and young women’s demographic situations. It may also be affected by the availability of abortion services in different parts of the country, a factor that has been influenced by the political and social debates over legalized abortion. &lt;br&gt; There are in fact, substantial obstacles to obtaining a legal abortion today, in comparison to the availability of other gynecological obstetric services. The vast majority of counties in the United States-87 percent-have no abortion provider at all. Almost a quarter of women who have an abortion travel more than fifty miles to obtain one, and the costs of abortion-which start at about four hundred dollars-have risen 9 percent in recent years (Finer and Henshaw 2003). Clinics are also subject to increasing pressure by pro-life protesters. Although the incidence of violence against abortion clinics has declined in recent years as, the amount of pro-life picketing has steadily increased There were more than ten thousand cases of picketing in front of clinics in 2007 (National Abortion Federation 2008). &lt;br&gt; Despite these changes, public opinion about abortion has remained remarkably stable.. Since 1972, the number of Americans who believe abortion should be legal in cases where there is a  high chance of fetal defects has remained between 78.5 percent and 85.5 percent (see figure 4.1). Since 1977, the number of Americans who support legalized abortion for any reason has stayed consistently between 33.3 percent and 43.5 percent. Results are similar for other variations on poling questions. Despite all their efforts over the last three decades, neither the pro-choice movement nor the pro-life movement has succeeded in shifting the weight of public opinion on abortion even as the social, political, legal, economic, and medical contexts of legalized abortion in the United States have all changed over the same period.
** p.90

* The legal status of abortion following ''Roe v. Wade'' and ''Doe v. Bolton'' was the most permissive since the first statues outlawing abortion were passed in the early 1800s. Since that time, new federal and state laws, along with a whole series of Supreme Court rulings that support them, have generally imposed new limits on the availability of legal abortions. This pro-life movement that has mobilized and pushed for these restrictions is today a well-institutionalized and heterogeneous phenomenon. It includes a whole range of organizations both nationally and in cities and towns across the country. 
** p.95

===  &quot;Supreme Court affirms abortion protections, strikes down Louisiana abortion law&quot; (June 29, 2020)  ===
&lt;small&gt; Najmabadi, Shannon (June 29, 2020). [https://www.texastribune.org/2020/06/29/supreme-court-abortion-louisiana/ &quot;Supreme Court affirms abortion protections, strikes down Louisiana abortion law&quot;]. The Texas Tribune. &lt;/small&gt;
*The U.S. Supreme Court struck down a Louisiana law Monday that would have curtailed access to abortions in the state and that was nearly identical to a measure the court overturned in Texas in 2016. &lt;br&gt; The ruling is a win for advocates of abortion access, who feared the case could quickly pave the way for states to impose greater restrictions on the procedure. But legal and legislative battles over the procedure are sure to continue, including in Texas, where there are more than 6 million women of reproductive age. More than 53,800 abortions were performed in Texas in 2017, including 1,1,74 for out-of-state residents, according to government data.
Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr. joined the liberal justices in a 5-4 decision that struck down a Louisiana law that would have required doctors who perform abortions to have admitting privileges at a nearby hospital. Roberts had dissented in the 2016 decision that found Texas’ restrictions placed an undue burden on a woman’s constitutional right to an abortion. He did not agree with the liberal justices’ reasoning Monday, instead citing the precedent set by the previous case. &lt;br&gt; &quot;The result in this case is controlled by our decision four years ago invalidating a nearly identical Texas law,&quot; Roberts wrote.
*State officials say requirements for admitting privileges are meant to protect women’s health and ensure doctors are qualified. Advocates of abortion access counter that these privileges are medically unnecessary because the procedure rarely results in hospitalization and when complications do arise, they often occur after the woman has left the clinic. Doctors may have their admitting privileges denied for reasons unrelated to ability or experience, including not having a track record of admitting patients due to the relative rarity of complications requiring hospitalization, critics of the Louisiana law say. &lt;br&gt; Lawyers challenging the law argued it was a carbon copy of the Texas requirement overturned in 2016. The Supreme Court said in its decision then that there was “sufficient evidence” showing that the requirement for admitting privileges shut down about half the abortion clinics in Texas — more than quadrupling the number of reproductive-age women living more than 150 miles away from one — with no proof they better protected women’s health.
*During the period in which the requirement was in effect in Texas, the number of abortions performed in the state declined from around 63,000 in 2013 to 54,000 the next year, government data shows. In neighboring Louisiana, where some 10,000 women seek abortions each year, one clinic and one doctor would be left to perform the procedure if the requirement for admitting privileges went into effect, the law’s challengers said.
*Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton said the court should have upheld the &quot;commonsense&quot; Louisiana law. &quot;Instead, in striking down these basic health-and-safety regulations, the Supreme Court has allowed abortion clinics to endanger women,&quot; he said in a statement.
*While advocates for abortion access celebrated the ruling, they expressed worry about future fights over the procedure. &lt;br&gt; “We’re relieved that the Louisiana law has been blocked today, but we’re concerned about tomorrow,” said Nancy Northup, head of the Center for Reproductive Rights, a nonprofit that represented the Louisiana abortion providers. “Unfortunately, the court’s ruling today will not stop those hell bent on banning abortion.”
*The Texas Democratic Party said the decision underscores the need to elect Democratic politicians who support &quot;every woman’s right to choose.&quot; &lt;br&gt; &quot;Our fight for choice and quality access to health care continues this November,&quot; Texas Democratic Party senior brand director Brittany Switzer said.

===  &quot;Lubbock votes to become the state's largest &quot;sanctuary city for the unborn&quot; (May 1, 2021) ===
&lt;small&gt; Najmabadi, Shannon. [https://theeagle.com/news/state-and-regional/lubbock-votes-to-become-the-state-s-largest-sanctuary-city-for-the-unborn/article_d40c6a47-af9a-5d0b-b5af-948628c81161.html  &quot;Lubbock votes to become the state's largest &quot;sanctuary city for the unborn&quot;]. The Eagle. (May 1, 2021) &lt;/small&gt;
*The push to declare Lubbock a “sanctuary city for the unborn” began in the last two years and was galvanized by the arrival of a Planned Parenthood clinic in 2020. Anti-abortion activists gathered enough signatures to bring the ordinance to the City Council — where it was voted down for conflicting with state law and Supreme Court rulings — and to then put it to a citywide vote. &lt;br&gt; Ardent supporters of the measure, who liken abortion to murder, say it reflects the views held by many in conservative Lubbock. They believe the ordinance would stand up in court and say they have an attorney who will defend the city free of charge if it is challenged. &lt;br&gt; But the strategy of bringing the abortion fight to the local level has divided even staunch anti-abortion activists, and Texas towns like Omaha and Mineral Wells have voted down similar ordinances or walked them back under advice from city attorneys.
*The American Civil Liberties Union of Texas, which previously sued seven East Texas towns that passed similar ordinances, has said they were watching the vote closely and hinted at a lawsuit in a statement Saturday. &lt;br&gt; Drucilla Tigner, a policy and advocacy strategist with the organization, said the “ACLU has a long history of challenging unconstitutional abortion bans and will continue to fight to protect the fundamental rights of the people of Lubbock.” 
*A spokesperson for Planned Parenthood, which has provided birth control and other health services in Lubbock since last fall, said “we are committed to expanding access to abortion and will provide abortion services when possible in Lubbock.” &lt;br&gt; “We want Lubbock residents to know: Our doors are open and we will continue to advocate for our patients, no matter what,” said Sarah Wheat, a spokesperson for Planned Parenthood of Greater Texas.
*Richard D. Rosen, a constitutional law professor at Texas Tech University, expects someone would sue Planned Parenthood and the legal fight would go from there. &lt;br&gt; “As long as Roe is good law I think these suits will ultimately fail, but it [could make] abortion providers ... expend money for attorneys fees and it takes time,” he said.
* “Today is a victory for life and proof that the silent majority will still stand up for its Christian conservative values,” state Rep. Dustin Burrows, a Lubbock Republican, said in a statement Saturday. &lt;br&gt; Mark Lee Dickson, an East Texas pastor behind the “sanctuary city for the unborn” movement, helped push the ordinance in Lubbock and said he was “grateful that the voters of Lubbock voted so overwhelmingly to outlaw abortion.” &lt;br&gt; “Planned Parenthood and its supporters also worked hard to get their supporters to the polls, and we congratulate them on their efforts,” he said Saturday night. “Now that the voters have spoken, we expect Planned Parenthood to respect the outcome of this election and cease providing abortions at its Lubbock clinic.”
* Without the recently opened Planned Parenthood location, the closest abortion clinics are a five-and-a-half hour drive away, said Marilyn Mathew, co-founder of a “Medical Students for Choice” group at Texas Tech University Health Sciences Center. That could prove to be a cost-prohibitive journey for people needing to stay overnight to comply with state abortion regulations, she said. &lt;br&gt; “I’m worried about how this is going to play out in the long run,” she said.

=== &quot;Access to Abortion&quot; (2003) ===
&lt;small&gt; &quot;Access to Abortion&quot; (PDF). National Abortion Federation. 2003.  [https://web.archive.org/web/20070619183614/http:/www.prochoice.org/pubs_research/publications/downloads/about_abortion/access_abortion.pdf Archived] (PDF) from the original on June 19, 2007. Retrieved June 17, 2007. &lt;/small&gt;
*The Supreme Court confirmed women’s right to choose abortion in 1973, and the courts have upheld that finding in subsequent cases. But access to abortion has been severely eroded. The most recent survey found that 87% of all US counties have no identifiable abortion provider In non-metropolitan areas, the figure rises to 97%. As a result, many women must travel long distances to reach the nearest abortion provider. &lt;br&gt; But distance is not the only barrier women face. Many other factors have contributed to the current crisis in abortion access, including a shortage of trained abortion providers; state laws that make getting an abortion more complicated than is medically necessary; continued threats of violence and harassment at abortion clinics; state and federal Medicaid restrictions; and fewer hospitals providing abortion services.
**p.1

*In 1973 the Supreme Court struck down state laws that had criminalized abortion. Doctors working in hospital emergency rooms and ob/gyn units before that time knew first-hand about the medical devastation that women suffered as a result of self induced abortions or black market abortions performed by unlicensed practitioners. Today, many of those doctors are retiring. The younger physicians replacing them have little direct experience with the consequences of illegal abortions and the public health benefits of ensuring that safe abortions remain available. &lt;br&gt; Even those young doctors who are committed to providing safe abortions to their patients may have trouble getting the training they need. A survey in 1998 revealed that first trimester abortion 
techniques are a routine part of training in only 46% of America's ob/gyn residency programs. About 34% offer this training only as an elective, and 7% provide no opportunity at all for young 
doctors to learn to do safe abortions. &lt;br&gt; In 1996, the agency responsible for accrediting medical residency programs (the Accreditation Council for Graduate Medical Education) took steps to correct this problem. It now requires ob/gyn residency programs to include family planning and abortion training for their students. It is too soon to tell whether this will result in better preparation of ob/gyns in the future to provide safe abortion services, but it is clear that doctors who don't get this training are not in a position to provide the full range of care that their patients will need.
**p.1

*National polling consistently shows that the majority of Americans support a woman's right to choose, but many legislators are committed to bringing an end to legal abortion and have passed laws that have drastically diminished access to abortion. These include: &lt;br&gt; * Parental Consent or Notification Laws which are now enforced in over half the states can violate the privacy of young women by forcing them to involve their parents in their decisions, even when they have strong objections to doing so. As a result, some women to travel to other states that do not require parental involvement; others have 
resorted to illegal abortions rather than comply with a legal requirement that puts them in jeopardy. &lt;br&gt; * Mandatory Waiting Periods require women to wait some period of time (up to 24 hours) between a state mandated counseling appointment and their abortion. Many of these laws require the counseling be done in person rather than on the phone. These laws imply that women come to abortion 
clinics without having seriously considered their options. As a result of these waiting periods, a woman's abortion is often delayed much longer than 24 hours, particularly if she has to take time off from work, arrange for child care, travel a long way, and perhaps stay overnight in a distant city. These factors can significantly increase the cost as well. &lt;br&gt; * Biased Counseling Laws require that clinic personnel lead 
their patients through detailed, state prescribed &quot;scripts&quot; that promote childbearing. Abortion providers have long been at the forefront of developing and delivering sound and effective options counseling to their patients. They consider these scripts &quot;biased&quot; because they contain information that is designed to frighten and dissuade women from having abortions. These coercive scripts are completely incompatible 
with the goal of true informed consent.
**p.1

*The cost of a first trimester abortion has increased only slightly since 1973 (see Fact Sheet: Economics of Abortion), but many women still cannot afford the fee. The Hyde Amendment denies federal Medicaid funding for abortions except in specific, rare circumstances, and most states have similar laws restricting financial help to women who need abortions. More than 2/3 of women must initially pay for their abortions themselves -- only 13% of abortions are paid for with a state's public funds2, and only 
13% are covered by a woman's private insurance at the time of her abortion. A small number of women may be reimbursed by insurance after their abortion. &lt;br&gt; The result is that too many women who need abortions must wait while they raise funds, postponing their abortions until later in their pregnancies, when the costs of these more complicated abortion procedures are higher. For the women who are 
struggling to make ends meet and who do not have insurance that covers abortion, the legal right to have an abortion does not guarantee that they will have access to it.
**p.2

*Today, about 95% of women who need abortions have them in clinics or in private doctor's offices where costs can be kept low without increasing health risks.&lt;br&gt; This pattern of abortion service delivery represents a significant shift away from hospital provided abortion care, which was far more common in the early years after the laws criminalizing abortion were struck down. &quot;According to the American Hospital Association, there were 5,801 hospitals in the United States in 
2001. However, a 2001-2002 study by the Alan Guttmacher Institute identified only 603 hospitals that provided abortions in 2001.&quot; This has serious implications for abortion access. Women in rural areas where there are no abortion clinics, and low-income women who depend on hospital emergency services for medical care, are left unserved when hospitals do not provide abortions. When hospitals do not offer abortions, young physicians they train have no opportunity to learn to perform safe abortions.
**p.2

*The National Abortion Federation's Access Initiative Project was created specifically to address the escalating problem of limited access to abortion in the US. The Access Initiative Project works with medical residency programs, educational institutions, health care associations, legal experts, public policy organizations, and interested individuals to ensure that qualified clinicians are able to 
get the training they need to provide safe abortions and that women can continue to have access to the quality health care they deserve.
**p.2

=== &quot;The Safety and Quality of Abortion Care in the United States” (2018) ===
&lt;small&gt; National Academies of Sciences, Engineering; Division, Health Medicine; Board on Health Care Services; Board on Population Health Public Health Practice; Committee on Reproductive Health Services: Assessing the Safety Quality of Abortion Care in the U.S (2018). [https://www.nap.edu/read/24950/chapter/4#46 &quot;The Safety and Quality of Abortion Care in the United States”], at NAP.edu. doi:10.17226/24950. ISBN 978-0-309-46818-3. PMID 29897702 &lt;/small&gt;
* Abortion is a legal medical procedure that has been provided to millions of American women. Since the Institute of Medicine first reviewed the health implications of national legalized abortion in 1975, there has been a plethora of related scientific research, including well-designed randomized clinical trials, systematic reviews, and epidemiological studies examining abortion care. This research has focused on examining the relative safety of abortion methods and the appropriateness of methods for different clinical circumstances. With this growing body of research, earlier abortion methods have been refined, discontinued, and new approaches have been developed. 
** ch.2, p.45

* In the more than 40 years since national legalization of abortion, investigators have conducted randomized controlled trials (RCTs), large retrospective cohort studies, patient and provider surveys, systematic reviews, and other types of research on abortion care and its health effects on women, resulting in an extensive literature.
** ch.2, p.45

* The committee’s review emphasizes contemporary approaches to abortion care because abortion methods have been refined in response to new evidence. Some research conducted before 2000 is unlikely to reflect the outcomes of how abortions are typically performed in the United States today. As discussed below, for example, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA)-approved protocol for medication abortion was updated in 2016 based on extensive research showing improved outcomes with a revised regimen. Techniques used in aspiration procedures are also safer and more effective than in the past. Sharp metal curettes, once commonly used, are considered obsolete by many professional groups, and their use is no longer recommended for abortion because of the increased (albeit rare) risk of injury. New approaches to cervical preparation and the use of ultrasound guidance have also improved abortion safety.
** ch.2, p.46

* Induction abortions are rarely performed in the United States; in 2013, they accounted for approximately 2 percent of all abortions at 14 weeks’ gestation or later. For many women in the United States, D&amp;E is often the preferred alternative because induction is more painful, its timing is less predictable and slower (sometimes taking more than 24 hours), and it is more expensive (see below). In some clinical settings, however, D&amp;E is not an option because the available clinicians lack the necessary experience and/or training in D&amp;E procedures. In addition, D&amp;E abortions are illegal in Mississippi and West Virginia.
** p.66

* Death associated with a legal abortion in the United States is an exceedingly rare event. As Table 2-4 shows, the risk of death subsequent to a legal abortion (0.7 per 100,000) is a small fraction of that for childbirth (8.8 per 100,000). Abortion-related mortality is also lower than that for colonoscopies (2.9 per 100,000), plastic surgery (0.8 to 1.7 per 100,000), dental procedures (0.0 to 1.7 per 100,000), and adult tonsillectomies (2.9 to 6.3 per 100,000). Comparable data for other common medical procedures are difficult to find.
** pp.74-75

* Unlike other health care procedures provided in office-based settings, abortions are subject to a wide array of regulations that vary by state. Except for abortion, states typically regulate individual, office-based health services only when the service involves using sedation or general anesthesia (and depending on the level of sedation). Twenty-five states regulate office-based procedures (other than abortion). In 23 of these states, the regulation is triggered by the level of sedation, and in most cases, it requires that the facility be either accredited or licensed by the state in order to offer patients moderate or deep sedation.
** p.76

* The clinical evidence presented in this chapter on the provision of safe and high-quality abortion care stands in contrast to the extensive regulatory requirements that state laws impose on the provision of abortion services. These requirements may influence the efficiency of abortion care by requiring medically unnecessary services and multiple visits to the abortion facility, in addition to requiring that care take place in costlier and more sophisticated settings than are clinically necessary. These requirements go beyond the accepted standards of care in the absence of evidence that they improve safety. Some requirements, such as multiple visits and waiting periods, delay abortion services, and by doing so may increase the clinical risks and cost of care. They may also limit women’s options for care and impact providers’ ability to provide patient-centered care. Furthermore, many of these laws have been documented to reduce the availability of care by imposing unneeded regulations on abortion providers and the settings in which abortion services are delivered. The implications of abortion-specific regulations for the safety and quality of abortion care are described below.
** p.77

* The clinical evidence makes clear that legal abortions in the United States—whether by medication, aspiration, D&amp;E, or induction—are safe and effective. Serious complications are rare; in the vast majority of studies, they occur in fewer than 1 percent of abortions, and they do not exceed 5 percent in any of the studies the committee identified. However, the risk of a serious complication increases with weeks’ gestation. As the number of weeks increases, the invasiveness of the required procedure and the need for deeper levels of sedation also increase. Thus, delaying the abortion increases the risk of harm to the woman. &lt;br&gt; State regulations that require women to make multiple in-person visits and wait multiple days delay the abortion. If the waiting period is required after an in-person counseling appointment, the delay is exacerbated. Restrictions on the types of providers and on the settings in which abortion services can be provided also delay care by reducing the availability of care. &lt;br&gt; Financial burdens and difficulty obtaining insurance are frequently cited by women as reasons for delay in obtaining an abortion. As noted in Chapter 1, 33 states prohibit public payers from paying for abortions, and other states have laws that either prohibit health insurance exchange plans (25 states) or private insurance plans (11 states) sold in the state from covering or paying for abortions, with few exceptions.
** pp.77-78

* Long-established ethical and legal standards for informed consent in health care appear to have been compromised in the delivery of abortion care in many areas of the country. Thirty-five states have abortion-specific regulations requiring women to receive counseling before an abortion is performed, and abortion patients in many of these states are offered or given inaccurate or misleading information (verbally or in writing) on reversing medication abortions, risks to future fertility, possible breast cancer risk, and/or long-term mental health consequences of abortion. As noted earlier in this chapter, the principal objective of the informed consent process is that patients understand the nature and risks of the procedure they are considering. However, legally requiring providers to inform women about risks that are not supported and are even invalidated by scientific research violates the accepted standards of informed consent. For example, some states require that providers inform women that abortion puts them at greater risk for breast cancer; mental health disorders; and difficulties in having a healthy, successful pregnancy. Three states require providers to inform women that a medication abortion can be reversed after the woman takes mifepristone. This information is not supported by research that meets scientific standards. 
** pp.78-79

=== &quot;The Hyde Amendment&quot; ===
&lt;small&gt; [https://web.archive.org/web/20091116133030/http:/www.nchla.org/datasource/ifactsheets/4FSHydeAm22a.08.pdf &quot;The Hyde Amendment&quot;] (PDF). National Committee for a Human Life Amendment. April 2008. Archived from the original (PDF) on November 16, 2009. === &lt;/small&gt;
* The Hyde Amendment has been enacted into law in various forms since 1976, during both Democratic and Republican administrations. In 1980, the Supreme
Court affirmed the constitutionality of the Hyde Amendment. In Harris v. McRae the Court ruled that government may distinguish between abortion and “other medical procedures, because no other procedure involves the purposeful termination of a
potential life.” &lt;br&gt; In addition to the life of the mother exception, the Senate had attached exceptions to the Hyde Amendment for rape and incest (FY 1977 to 1980) and for cases where there would be “severe and physical health damage” to the mother if the pregnancy were carried to term (FY 1977 to 1979). However, the 1980 elections brought enough new pro-life members to the Senate to produce a strong Hyde Amendment as part of Supplemental Appropriations and Rescission Act of 1981 (signed into law June 5, 1981 and effective thereafter): &lt;br&gt; None of the funds appropriated under this Act shall be used to perform abortions except where the life of the mother would be endangered if the fetus were carried to term. &lt;br&gt; This language remained constant from 1981 to 1993, though pro-abortion Members made several unsuccessful attempts to weaken the amendment. In 1989, Congress sustained President Bush’s veto of an appropriations bill that contained weakened language. &lt;br&gt; In 1993, pro-abortion advocates intended to use parliamentary rules of the House to eliminate the Hyde Amendment altogether and open the door for funding abortion on demand. To avoid this outcome, the Hyde Amendment was rewritten in a new format and the exceptions were expanded beyond “life of the mother” to cases of rape or incest. This wording of the Hyde Amendment then became law: None of the funds appropriated under this Act shall be expended for any abortion except when it is made known to the federal entity or official to which funds are appropriated under this Act that such procedure is necessary to save the life of the mother or that the pregnancy is the result of an act of rape or incest. 
** p.1

* In 2004, Reps. Henry Hyde and Dave Weldon (R-FL) offered what is known as the Hyde/Weldon Conscience Protection Amendment, which was enacted into law as part of the Fiscal Year 2005 Omnibus Appropriations Bill (Public Law 108-447). The amendment protects health care providers from gaps in the law that could be used to force all health care providers to participate in abortion.
** p.2 

* As found in the Consolidated Appropriations Act, 2008 (H.R. 2764), signed into law December 26, 2007 (Public Law 110-161), the text of the Hyde Amendment law reads as follows: SEC. 507. (a) None of the funds appropriated in this Act, and none of the funds in any trust fund to which funds are appropriated under this Act, shall be expended for any abortion.
** p.2

* SEC. 508. (a) The limitation established in the preceding section shall not apply to an abortion-&lt;br&gt; (1) if the pregnancy is the result of an act of rape or incest; or &lt;br&gt; (2) in the case where a woman suffers from a physical disorder, physical injury, or physical illness, including a life-endangering physical condition caused by or arising from the pregnancy itself, that would, as certified by a physician, place the woman in danger of death unless an abortion is performed.
** p.2

* [M]ost Americans agree with the Hyde Amendment and other abortion funding restrictions. Numerous polls show that people are not in favor of the government using tax dollars to fund abortions. For example, a CBS/New York Times poll of 1,368
adults in 1993 illustrated to the nation that 72% of Americans do not want to see their tax dollars being used for abortions. A Zogby International poll in 2004 showed that 74% of Americans oppose the use of public funds to pay for abortions.
** p.3

* According to an estimate by the Alan Guttmacher Institute, the cost to the federal government of funding poor women’s abortions in FY 1994 if the Hyde Amendment were repealed would have been between $62.5 million and $75 million for 312,000
abortions. This estimate is very low. Others estimate that 500,000 or more abortions would have been funded by Medicaid in FY 1994 if the Hyde Amendment were repealed.
** p.3

* In 1993, Congress added to the Hyde Amendment funding for abortion also in cases of rape or incest. The laws and policies of many states traditionally allowed funding for abortion only when the mother’s life was in danger. President Clinton said he would interpret the Medicaid statute to permit but not require state funding of abortion in the additional cases of rape or incest. But after Congress passed the
revised Hyde Amendment, he reversed his interpretation and insisted that states must fund all abortions that are eligible for federal funds. He also interpreted the “rape and incest” standard very broadly, so an abortionist could claim reimbursement even if no rape or incest had ever been reported to law enforcement or public health authorities. &lt;br&gt; As a result of the Clinton administration’s determination, several states were formally threatened with loss of all Medicaid funds unless they complied with the new federal standard, even if their own stricter policy against abortion funding was in their state constitutions. Some of these states’ laws had even been passed by public referendum. At the time the Clinton administration set this mandate, 32 states had laws prohibiting public funding for abortion except in cases where the life of the mother would be endangered. Battles over coercing the states raged in federal and state courts. Many states were forced to fund abortions against their will; some courts invalidated state laws in their entirety, requiring states to fund abortions without meaningful restriction. As of 1998, every state engaged in a law suit had lost in court. The outcome is that the states must now comply with the Clinton Administration mandate.
** p.3

* Prior to 1976, the federal Medicaid program paid for about 300,000 abortions a year. However, after the Hyde Amendment went into effect for FY 1977, the funding levels dropped dramatically. In FY 1977, 182,000 abortions were funded. In FY 1986, the number was 232; in FY 2000, 109; in FY 2004, 159.
** p.3

* Several studies, conducted in states where both state and federal Medicaid abortion funding has been cut off, have indicated that there is no increase in the
numbers of illegal abortions. One of these studies was conducted by the Texas Department of Health in cooperation with the Centers for Disease Control.
The results were published in the CDC’s June 8, 1980 Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report. The study concluded: &lt;br&gt; The present study in Texas found more than
one-third of the legal abortions expected among Medicaid-eligible women were not obtained in the post funding restriction period. The data cited from the present study are consistent with those from a previous investigation in Texas, which found  approximately 40% of the expected number of subsidized abortions were not being obtained in the interval after the funding restriction . . . In Texas, pregnant, low-income women who do not have federal or state funds for abortions do not appear to be resorting to illegal abortions to terminate unwanted pregnancies . . . These findings are consistent with those from a national monitoring system, which also could not document that the restriction of public funds for abortion caused a large percentage of Medicaid-eligible women to choose self-induced or non-physician-induced abortions.
** p.3-4

* Pro-abortion advocates claim that because wealthy women can easily pay for an abortion, it is the government’s duty to pay for abortions for women who cannot afford them. But it does not improve the circumstances of the poor to help them kill their children simply because the wealthy may do so. Abortion is itself the most severe form of discrimination, since it is aimed at the most helpless and takes away the most fundamental right, the right to life. Public funds are better directed to efforts that really help poor women and their children. &lt;br&gt; Furthermore, a Wirthlin Poll of May 1992 found that people making less than $15,000 per year oppose tax-funded abortions 2 to 1 (63% to 32%). The wealthier, earning more than $60,000 per year, support funding by a margin of 57% to 41%. Thus, the very group that would allegedly benefit from certain tax-funded abortions rejects the idea of using public money for the procedure. When abortion is publicly funded, the poor are offered the abortions favored by the rich.
** p.4

* Proponents of public funding have employed the grotesque argument that Medicaid abortion funding is cheaper than childbirth. The Alan Guttmacher Institute, the research arm of Planned Parenthood, argues that: &lt;br&gt; If public funds are not available to pay for abortions, a far greater amount of money will be spent to provide maternity care, medical care for the infant . . . and nutritional assistance to women on Medicaid. (Abortion and Women’s Health). &lt;br&gt; This cost-benefit analysis of the worth of human life is degrading and absurd. It establishes a frightening precedent for looking at a human life not as something precious but simply as an economic
commodity. As columnist William Raspberry wrote, “It also costs less to kill children than to educate them, but that’s hardly a persuasive argument for infanticide.”
** p.4

* Pro-abortion advocates have long sought to make abortion not only legal but funded to the greatest extent possible. Since the Supreme Court has defined
“health” so broadly in the context of abortion to include social and emotional “well-being” (Doe v. Bolton), abortion advocates try to insert “health” or “medically necessary” into abortion funding policies in order to eliminate all meaningful restrictions on public funding. As the National Abortion Rights Action League puts it, “medically necessary” is “a term which generally includes the broadest range of
situations for which a state will fund abortion.” (Who Decides? A Reproductive Rights Issues Manual, NARAL, 1990). &lt;br&gt; Even more ominous than the expansion of Medicaid funding for abortion on demand was the proposal during 1994 to mandate abortion coverage in every American’s health insurance policy through a national
health care plan. While most of the reform bills offered in Congress mandated abortion coverage, none of the measures passed.
** p.4

=== &quot;Louisiana's Democratic governor signs abortion ban into law&quot;  (May 30, 2019) === 
&lt;small&gt; [https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/louisiana-s-democratic-governor-signs-abortion-ban-law-n1012196 &quot;Louisiana's Democratic governor signs abortion ban into law&quot;]. ''NBC News''. Associated Press. May 30, 2019. &lt;/small&gt;
* BATON ROUGE, La. — Louisiana's Democratic governor signed a ban on abortion as early as six weeks of pregnancy Thursday, a move that puts him squarely in line with the leaders of other conservative Southern states while provoking anger from members of his own party. &lt;br&gt; With his signature, Gov. John Bel Edwards made Louisiana the fifth state to enact a law prohibiting abortion when a fetal heartbeat is detected, joining Mississippi, Kentucky, Ohio and Georgia. Alabama's gone further, outlawing virtually all abortions .
* The bill's signing, however, won't limit the state's three abortion clinics anytime soon. Louisiana's law takes effect only if the law in neighboring Mississippi, which was recently blocked by a judge , is upheld by a federal appeals court. &lt;br&gt; Edwards, a Catholic running for reelection this year, didn't hold a public bill signing, instead announcing his action through his office. He had repeatedly said he intended to sign the measure, citing his faith and saying his views match those of people in his conservative, religious state, who he described as &quot;overwhelmingly pro-life.&quot; &lt;br&gt; Louisiana legislators overwhelmingly supported the ban , with a 79-23 House vote and 31-5 Senate vote.
* Louisiana's law includes an exception from the abortion ban to prevent the pregnant woman's death or &quot;a serious risk of the substantial and irreversible impairment of a major bodily function&quot; — or if the pregnancy is deemed &quot;medically futile.&quot; But it does not include an exception for a pregnancy caused by rape or incest, drawing criticism that the law forces continued trauma on women who have been victimized. &lt;br&gt; Under the bill, a doctor who violates the prohibition could face a prison sentence of up to two years, along with medical license revocation.
* The abortion-rights debates that divide state Capitols across the nation cause fewer ripples in the Louisiana Legislature. It is one of the country's most staunchly anti-abortion states, with a law on the books that immediately outlaws abortion if Roe v. Wade is ever overturned. State lawmakers annually enact new regulations seeking to curb access with bipartisan support. &lt;br&gt; Louisiana's latest abortion ban won support from many Democrats and was sponsored by Democratic Sen. John Milkovich, from northwest Louisiana. &lt;br&gt; Although Edwards is rarity in the national Democratic Party, he's consistently run as an anti-abortion candidate. When he ran for governor in 2015, his campaign had a prominent TV ad that showed his wife, Donna, describing being advised to have an abortion because of their daughter's spinal birth defect. The Edwardses refused, and the ad showed a grown-up Samantha. &lt;br&gt; The bill signing from Edwards, who faces two Republicans on the ballot this fall, is expected to help shore up his position with some voters at home, even if it puts him at odds with national Democratic Party leaders and donors. &lt;br&gt; Still, the governor faced an outcry of anger on social media from Democrats who objected to his support for the abortion ban.
* The chair of Louisiana's Democratic Party, Sen. Karen Carter Peterson, has been regularly slamming the bill. She's posted opposition messages on Twitter, such as: &quot;Roe vs. Wade should be respected not undermined! Right to privacy!&quot; But she hasn't directly criticized Edwards by name, and the party is supporting him for reelection. &lt;br&gt; The governor was reluctant to address the abortion ban on Thursday. “The bill has been signed and I’m not going to get into that further today,” Edwards told NBC News.

=== &quot;Men, Women Generally Hold Similar Abortion Attitudes&quot; (June 14, 2018) ===
&lt;small&gt; Frank Newport, [https://news.gallup.com/poll/235646/men-women-generally-hold-similar-abortion-attitudes.aspx &quot;Men, Women Generally Hold Similar Abortion Attitudes&quot;]. News.gallup.com. (June 14, 2018). &lt;/small&gt;
* WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Many U.S. political leaders may think of abortion as a key &quot;women's issue,&quot; but it is not an issue about which women have substantially different attitudes than men. A Gallup analysis shows that differences in views on the legality of abortion between men and women have been relatively narrow for decades, going back to the 1970s. Additionally, there are only slight differences in men's and women's descriptions of themselves as pro-choice or pro-life. &lt;br&gt; Gallup's 2010 comprehensive analysis of gender differences in views of abortion concluded, &quot;Over the past three decades, men and women have consistently held similar views about the extent to which abortion should be legal.&quot; The current update, adding in data for the years 2010-2018, shows a continuation of this same general pattern.
* Since 1990, the average gender difference in the view that abortion should be legal in all circumstances is four percentage points, with women more likely than men to hold that attitude. For the past four years, an average of 31% of women and 26% of men have held this view. &lt;br&gt; Gender differences in the view that abortion should be illegal in all circumstances are even smaller, with an average gap of two points since 1990. For the past four years, there has been no difference, with 19% of both men and women saying that abortion should be totally illegal. &lt;br&gt; The modal choice for both men and women is the view that abortion should be legal, but only in certain circumstances. Men have been slightly more likely than women to hold this view since the 1980s, including by a five-point average difference over the past four years.
* There is a narrow gender gap in Americans' descriptions of themselves as either pro-choice or pro-life. Gallup began asking this question annually in 2001 as part of Gallup's Values and Beliefs survey, and since that time, men have been slightly more likely than women to choose the pro-life descriptor. The gap has been between three and four points since 2010 -- including the most recent period from 2015-2018, with 47% of men and 44% of women choosing the pro-life label. &lt;br&gt; The slight male edge in identification as pro-life reflects women becoming slightly more pro-choice in recent years, with 50% of women and 46% of men choosing the pro-choice label over the past four years. Similarly small differences were evident in previous years, including an even tie in self-descriptions as pro-choice between 2005 and 2009. &lt;br&gt; The net result of these attitudes is that men are divided in their self-identification -- 47% pro-life and 46% pro-choice, while women tilt toward describing themselves as pro-choice, 50% to 44%.
* Educational attainment is a significant predictor of Americans' position on abortion, with college graduates more likely than those with less education to favor abortion being legal in all circumstances. &lt;br&gt; There has been and continues to be a significant gender gap on this measure among college graduates, with female graduates more likely than male graduates to favor abortion being legal in all circumstances. This pattern has been constant over the past decades, despite modest fluctuations in the overall percentages favoring legalized abortion. Most recently, over the past four years, 42% of female college graduates have chosen the &quot;legal in all&quot; alternative, versus 32% of male college graduates.

=== &quot;In Texas, Oklahoma, Women Turned Away Because Of Coronavirus Abortion Bans&quot; (4/2/2020) ===
&lt;small&gt; [https://www.npr.org/2020/04/02/826369859/in-texas-oklahoma-women-turned-away-because-of-coronavirus-abortion-bans &quot;In Texas, Oklahoma, Women Turned Away Because Of Coronavirus Abortion Bans&quot;]. NPR.org. &lt;/small&gt;
* The doors at the Trust Women clinic in Oklahoma City were locked on Tuesday, when the young woman arrived for her appointment. Over the phone, a clinic worker told her the news – the facility had to shut down because of an order from Gov. Kevin Stitt banning most abortions. &lt;br&gt; &quot;And immediately I just, like, broke down,&quot; she said. &quot;I just lost my job because of the coronavirus. I already have a 10-month-old daughter. I don't know what I'm gonna do, you know?&quot; &lt;br&gt; &quot;M&quot; asked us not use her full name because she's concerned about how her family would react to her seeking an abortion. She's 30, with two kids. She said she lost her job in the retail industry a couple of weeks ago after business suddenly vanished. &lt;br&gt; &quot;M&quot; said she was able to get an appointment for the next day at a clinic in Wichita, Kan. She doesn't have a reliable car, so a friend drove her there – a two-and-a-half-hour trip each way. &lt;br&gt; &quot;There were so many people there from so many different states, and I only think about how many couldn't make it,&quot; she said.
* Republican officials in several states are trying to ban abortion during the coronavirus crisis. They say the procedure should be suspended during the pandemic, except for emergencies, to help preserve medical supplies like surgical masks and hospital gowns. &lt;br&gt; Federal courts have blocked such orders in Ohio and Alabama. Officials in Iowa agreed to allow doctors to determine when an abortion is needed. A federal court briefly blocked a ban in Texas, before that decision was overturned on appeal. Litigation is ongoing.
* Reproductive rights groups say hundreds of patients have been turned away in Texas, and in Oklahoma. &lt;br&gt; Becca Walker, a counselor at Southwestern Women's Surgery Center in Dallas, said many patients &quot;panic&quot; when they hear the news that their procedures are being cancelled. She said some patients are particularly afraid of being pregnant during a pandemic. &lt;br&gt; &quot;Sometimes you're just guiding them through breathing on the phone because it's such a moment of panic and crisis for them,&quot; Walker said. &quot;And then you just have to give them the referral, and the next referral is not good news.&quot;
* Abortion rights opponents argue the bans are necessary and appropriate during a pandemic. &lt;br&gt; &quot;We are setting aside all kinds of what would otherwise be considered essential healthcare – I would say more essential healthcare than abortion, certainly – cancer screenings,&quot; said Dr. Christina Francis, an OB/GYN in Indiana and board chair at the American Association of Pro-Life Obstetricians &amp; Gynecologists. &lt;br&gt; &quot;Abortion is not essential healthcare; it doesn't treat a disease process,&quot; Francis said. &quot;It's a social solution, and there are other solutions that we can provide to women who find themselves in very scary and uncertain circumstances right now.&quot;
* Many doctors say denying an abortion can put patients at risk. The American Medical Association released a statement accusing some elected officials of &quot;exploiting this moment,&quot; and saying the decision should be left to patients and doctors.
* Dr. Bhavik Kumar, who provides abortion services at a Planned Parenthood clinic in Houston, said in the midst of a pandemic, many patients seeking abortions feel desperate enough to consider dangerous home remedies. &lt;br&gt; &quot;The scary part is a lot of my patients are asking us what they can do themselves, how they can use things at home, different herbs or vitamins or objects to help them not be pregnant,&quot; Kumar said. &quot;They are scared.&quot;

=== &quot;While some states try to ban abortion, these states are expanding access&quot; (June 12, 2019) ===
&lt;small&gt; North, Anna (June 12, 2019). [https://www.vox.com/identities/2019/6/12/18662738/abortion-bill-illinois-maine-laws-new-york &quot;While some states try to ban abortion, these states are expanding access&quot;]. Vox. &lt;/small&gt;
* [E]arlier this month, Maine’s Democratic Gov. Janet Mills signed into law a bill that will actually expand abortion access in the state by allowing nurse practitioners and physician assistants, not just doctors, to perform the procedure. As clinics in other states are at risk of closing, the Maine law will increase the number of clinics able to perform abortions.  &lt;br&gt; Soon after, Mills signed a second bill that will require public and private insurance plans in the state to cover abortion. Meanwhile, last week, New York City officials announced that they would allocate $250,000 to pay for low-income patients to get abortions. &lt;br&gt; These moves are part of a bigger trend, as legislators and advocates in blue states back legislation to lift abortion restrictions. These laws are still outnumbered by anti-abortion bills, but they’re becoming more and more common — about a quarter of the provisions to expand abortion access since 2011 have passed in the past three weeks alone, according to an analysis by FiveThirtyEight.
* In years past, “states did not feel the threat to abortion rights and did not want to expend the political capital to pass these laws,” Elizabeth Nash, senior state issues manager at the Guttmacher Institute, a nonprofit focused on reproductive health policy research, told Vox. But with Donald Trump in the White House, Justice Brett Kavanaugh on the Supreme Court, and a potential challenge to Roe v. Wade on the horizon, that’s changing. Now states like Maine, Illinois, and Vermont are taking steps to shore up abortion access, with the understanding that federal protections for the procedure may soon be under threat.
* Mills, the state’s first female governor, on June 10 signed LD 1261, which allows nurse practitioners, physician assistants, and other trained medical providers to perform abortions. Previously, only physicians could perform abortions in Maine. &lt;br&gt; Opponents of the measure said it would put patients at risk, according to the Portland Press-Herald. But research shows that advanced practice clinicians, a category that includes physician assistants, nurse practitioners, and nurse midwives, provide the same level of abortion care as doctors, Nash said. &lt;br&gt; The measure could increase the number of clinics performing aspiration abortion, the most common type of in-clinic procedure, from three to 18, according to ThinkProgress. The law will have an especially big impact on Maine’s many rural residents, who may live far away from clinics staffed by doctors, Nash said.
* A few days later, Mills signed another bill, this one requiring all public and private insurance plans that cover prenatal care to cover abortion as well. Previously, Maine’s state Medicaid program, MaineCare, only covered abortion in cases of rape, incest, or a threat to the pregnant patient’s life.  &lt;br&gt; Opponents of taxpayer funding for abortion criticized the bill, according to the Associated Press, but reproductive rights groups applauded its passage, saying it would expand access to abortion for low-income patients. &lt;br&gt; “As states like Alabama, Georgia, and Missouri are in a race to the bottom to ban abortion and put politics over the lives and well-being of women and their families, Maine has recognized that no one should be denied coverage for abortion care just because they’re poor,” said Destiny Lopez, co-director of All* Above All, a group that advocates for public insurance for abortion, in a statement when the bill was signed.
* New York’s Reproductive Health Act, passed in January, has gotten a lot of attention because it allows abortions after 24 weeks if the fetus is not viable or there is a threat to the mother’s health. Opponents have cast this provision as extremism on the part of Democrats, but supporters of the measure say it is necessary because previous New York law forced patients to travel out of state and pay thousands of dollars to obtain an abortion when they were seriously ill or carrying a fetus that could not survive after birth. &lt;br&gt; The Reproductive Health Act, like the Maine law, also allows advanced practice clinicians to perform abortions. Though it’s gotten less attention, abortion law experts say this provision may affect even more patients than the one affecting abortions later in pregnancy. “Most abortions do take place earlier in pregnancy,” Nash said, “and if you expand the pool of providers, then that potentially has more of an impact.”  &lt;br&gt; Still, she added, “these protections work together to make sure people have access.” 
* Democratic Gov. J.B. Pritzker on June 12 signed into law the state’s Reproductive Health Act, which makes reproductive health care, including abortion, contraception, and maternity care, a fundamental right in the state, according to Guttmacher. The law protects access to abortion up to viability (which experts say is around 24 weeks’ gestation) and after that if deemed medically necessary by a doctor. The change ensures that abortion will remain legal in Illinois even if Roe v. Wade, which established the right to an abortion nationwide in 1973, is overturned. &lt;br&gt; The law also requires public and private insurance plans in the state to cover abortion, and allows advanced practice nurses and physician assistants to provide the procedure. &lt;br&gt; Anti-abortion groups have criticized the new law. “While a growing number of states are working to advance popular pro-life laws, Illinois is trying to outdo New York’s abortion extremism — and unborn children and their mothers will pay the price,” Jill Stanek, the national campaign chair for the Susan B. Anthony List, told the Chicago Sun-Times. &lt;br&gt; But doctors and reproductive rights advocates have praised the legislation. “This landmark legislation means that an individual’s health, not politics, will govern decision-making,” Erica Hinz, an OB-GYN in Illinois and a fellow with the group Physicians for Reproductive Health, said in a statement on Wednesday.
* Republican Gov. Phil Scott on June 10 signed into law a bill that, like the Illinois law, makes abortion and other reproductive health care a fundamental right in the state. The Vermont law goes beyond the Illinois measure because it protects abortion access throughout pregnancy, including after viability, Nash said.
* On June 19, Rhode Island joined New York, Illinois, and Vermont in codifying the right to an abortion in state law. The Reproductive Privacy Act, signed by Democratic Gov. Gina Raimondo, prohibits the state government from interfering with a patient’s decision to get an abortion before viability. After viability, abortion is prohibited except where necessary to protect the life or health of the pregnant person, according to the Boston Globe.
* The Trust Nevada Women Act, signed by Democratic Gov. Steve Sisolak in May, removes a number of restrictions on abortion. It gets rid of a requirement that doctors tell patients about the “emotional implications” of an abortion, eliminates criminal penalties for patients who perform their own abortion without the advice of a doctor, and removes a requirement that doctors ask about a patient’s age and marital status before performing the procedure. &lt;br&gt; “With our reproductive rights under constant attack across the country, we are proud that Nevada legislators voted to ensure that Nevada women and families are able to make the best decisions for their health and well-being,” said Caroline Mello Roberson, the state director of NARAL Pro-Choice Nevada, which advocated for the law, in a statement last month.
* In addition to these laws, legislation to expand or protect abortion access is under consideration or could be forthcoming in Rhode Island, New Mexico, Washington, and Oregon, Nash said. “There could be momentum going into 2020.”

=== &quot;Banning abortion, more Texas towns become 'sanctuary cities for the unborn'&quot; (January 16, 2020) ===
&lt;small&gt; Parke, Caleb (January 16, 2020). [https://www.foxnews.com/us/texas-abortion-city-sanctuary &quot;Banning abortion, more Texas towns become 'sanctuary cities for the unborn'&quot;]. Fox News. Retrieved January 23, 2020. &lt;/small&gt;
* Starting last June with the city of Waskom, a total of eight cities have now declared themselves &quot;sanctuary cities for the unborn.&quot; &lt;br&gt; On Monday, Mark Lee Dickson, director of Right to Life of East Texas, pitched to Jacksboro; then on Tuesday, Colorado City and Big Spring, which is awaiting a second vote later this month. OnThursday night, he is headed to Gary, in east Texas. &lt;br&gt; &quot;We are preparing our cities for the overturning of Roe [v. Wade],&quot; Dickson told Fox News on the phone, during his seven-hour drive from Big Spring to Gary, &quot;But at the same time, it's completely right to say abortion is outlawed in these cities.&quot;
* Abortion rights advocates argue the ordinances are dangerous and misleading to the public. &lt;br&gt; &quot;This extreme proposal is a tactic for abortion opponents to score political points and mislead Texans about their rights,&quot; Kamyon Conner, executive director of the Texas Equal Access Fund, told the Texas Tribune. &quot;Access to reproductive care and abortion allows individuals and families to receive the support needed to thrive in our state.&quot;
* But Dickson says there are immediate consequences to the ordinances regardless of whether or not Roe gets overturned. &lt;br&gt; &quot;To say we can't ban abortion is simply not true,&quot; Dickson argues that cities ban &quot;legal&quot; things all the time – from straws to smoking – in reference to Roe and Planned Parenthood v. Casey, both of which would have to be overturned by the Supreme Court in order for the ordinance to take full effect. &lt;br&gt; Until then, however, Dickson said family members can sue an abortionist or anyone who aides an abortion within city limits, but no action can be taken against the mother herself. &lt;br&gt; &quot;We're passing laws because resolutions do not prevent abortion clinics from coming into cities, but ordinances, a law put in place, will.&quot; &lt;br&gt; Three cities – Mineral Wells, Omaha and Jacksboro – have turned down the ordinance because of the threat of legal action or on advice from city lawyers, but that hasn't stopped Dickson.
* &quot;This is a strong stance that babies will not be murdered in our cities,&quot; Dickson said. &quot;We need to stand up with our leaders in bringing this Holocaust to an end once and for all.&quot;

=== &quot;Abortion surveillance - United States, 2009&quot;  (November 23, 2012)  ===
&lt;small&gt; Pazol, Karen; Creanga, Andreea A.; Zane, Suzanne B.; Burley, Kim D.; Jamieson, Denise J; Division of Reproductive Health (November 23, 2012). &quot;Abortion surveillance - United States, 2009&quot; (PDF). MMWR Surveillance Summaries. 61 (8): 1–44. &lt;/small&gt;
* Results: A total of 784,507 abortions were reported to CDC for 2009. Of these abortions, 772,630 (98.5%) were from the 45 reporting areas that provided data every year during 2000–2009. Among these same 45 reporting areas, the abortion rate for 2009 was 15.1 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years, and the abortion ratio was 227 abortions per 1,000 live births. Compared with 2008, the total number and rate of reported abortions for 2009 decreased 5%, representing the largest single year decrease for the entire period of analysis. The abortion ratio decreased 2%. From 2000 to 2009, the total number, rate, and ratio of reported abortions decreased 6%, 7%, and 8%, respectively, to the lowest levels for 2000–2009. &lt;br&gt; In 2009 and throughout the period of analysis, women in their 20s accounted for the majority of abortions and had the highest abortion rates, whereas women aged ≥30 years accounted for a much smaller percentage of abortions and had lower abortion rates. In 2009, women aged 20–24 and 25–29 years accounted for 32.7% and 24.4% of all abortions, respectively, and had an abortion rate of 27.4 abortions per 1,000 women aged 20–24 years and 20.4 abortions per 1,000 women aged 25–29 years. In contrast, women aged 30–34, 35–39, and ≥40 years accounted for 14.7%, 8.8%, and 3.3% of all abortions, respectively, and had an abortion rate of 13.3 abortions per 1,000 women aged 30–34 years, 7.6 abortions per 1,000 women aged 35–39 years, and 2.7 abortions per 1,000 women aged ≥40 years. Throughout the period of analysis, abortion rates decreased among women aged 20–24 and 25–29 years, whereas they increased among women aged ≥40 years. &lt;br&gt; In 2009, adolescents aged 15–19 years accounted for 15.5% of all abortions and had an abortion rate of 13.0 abortions per 1,000 adolescents aged 15–19 years. Throughout the period of analysis, the percentage of all abortions accounted for by adolescents and the adolescent abortion rate decreased. &lt;br&gt; In contrast to the percentage distribution of abortions and abortion rates by age, abortion ratios in 2009 and throughout the entire period of analysis were highest among adolescents and lowest among women aged 30–39 years. Abortion ratios decreased from 2000 to 2009 for women in all age groups except for those aged &lt;15 years, for whom they increased. &lt;br&gt;In 2009, most (64.0%) abortions were performed at ≤8 weeks’ gestation, and 91.7% were performed at ≤13 weeks’ gestation. Few abortions (7.0%) were performed at 14–20 weeks’ gestation, and even fewer (1.3%) were performed at ≥21 weeks’ gestation. From 2000 to 2009, the percentage of all abortions performed at ≤8 weeks’ gestation increased 12%, whereas the percentage performed at &gt;13 weeks’ decreased 12%. Moreover, among abortions performed at ≤13 weeks’ gestation, the distribution shifted toward earlier gestational ages, with the percentage of these abortions performed at ≤6 weeks’ gestation increasing 47%. &lt;br&gt; In 2009, 74.2% of abortions were performed by curettage at ≤13 weeks’ gestation, 16.5% were performed by early medical abortion (a nonsurgical abortion at ≤8 weeks’ gestation), and 8.1% were performed by curettage at &gt;13 weeks’ gestation.
** p.1

* Among abortions that were performed at ≤8 weeks’ gestation and thus were eligible for early medical abortion, 25.2% were completed by this method. The use of early medical abortion increased 10% from 2008 to 2009. &lt;br&gt; Deaths of women associated with complications from abortions for 2009 are being investigated under CDC’s Pregnancy Mortality Surveillance System. In 2008, the most recent year for which data were available, 12 women were reported to have died as a result of complications from known legal induced abortions. No reported deaths were associated with known illegal induced abortions. &lt;br&gt; Interpretation: Among the 45 areas that reported data every year during 2000–2009, the gradual decrease that had occurred during previous decades in the total number and rate of reported abortions continued through 2005, whereas year-to-year variation from 2006 to 2008 resulted in no net change during this later period. However, the change from 2008 to 2009 for both the total number of abortions and the abortion rate was the largest single year decrease during 2000–2009, and all three measures of abortion (total numbers, rates, and ratios) decreased to the lowest level observed during this period. &lt;br&gt; Public Health Actions: Unintended pregnancy is the major contributor to abortion. Because unintended pregnancies are rare among women who use the most effective methods of reversible contraception, increasing access to and use of these methods can help further reduce the number of abortions performed in the United States. The data in this report can help program planners and policy makers identify groups of women at greatest risk for unintended pregnancy and help guide and evaluate prevention efforts.
** p.2

* This report is based on abortion data for 2000–2009 that were provided voluntarily to CDC by the central health agencies of 48 reporting areas (the District of Columbia; New York City; and 46 states, excluding California, Delaware, Maryland, and New Hampshire). Since 1969, CDC has conducted abortion surveillance to document the number and characteristics of women obtaining legal induced abortions in the United States. Following nationwide legalization of abortion in 1973, the total number, rate (number of abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years), and ratio (number of abortions per 1,000 live births) of reported abortions increased rapidly, reaching the highest levels in the 1980s before decreasing at a slow yet steady pace. However, the incidence of abortion has varied considerably across demographic subpopulations, and recent reports through 2008 have suggested that the sustained pattern of decrease has leveled off. Continued surveillance is needed to monitor long-term changes in the incidence of abortion in the United States.
** p.2

* In most states, collection of abortion data is facilitated by the legal requirement for hospitals, facilities, and physicians to report abortions to a central health agency. These central health agencies voluntarily provide CDC aggregate numbers for the abortion data they have collected. &lt;br&gt; Although reporting to CDC is voluntary, most reporting areas do provide aggregate abortion numbers: during 2000–2009, a total of 45 reporting areas provided CDC a continuous annual record of abortion numbers,† and in 2009, CDC obtained aggregate abortion numbers from 48 reporting areas (excludes California, Delaware, Maryland, and New Hampshire). However, the level of detail that CDC receives on the characteristics of women obtaining abortions varies considerably from year to year and among reporting areas. To encourage more uniform collection of these details, CDC has developed a model reporting form to serve as a technical guide (18). However, because the collection of abortion data is not federally mandated, many reporting areas have developed their own forms and do not collect all the information that CDC compiles.
** p.2

* Among the 48 reporting areas that provided data for 2009, a total of 784,507 abortions were reported. Of these abortions, 772,630 (98.5%) were from the 45 reporting areas that provided data every year during 2000–2009. These same 45 areas had an abortion rate of 15.1 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years and an abortion ratio of 227 abortions per 1,000 live births. Compared with 2008, the total number of abortions reported for the same 45 areas decreased 5% (from 810,403); the abortion rate for these areas also decreased 5% (from 15.9 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years), and the abortion ratio decreased 2% (from 232 abortions per 1,000 live births). From 2000 to 2009, the total number of reported abortions decreased 6% (from 826,123), the abortion rate decreased 7% (from 16.2 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years), and the abortion ratio decreased 8% (from 248 abortions per 1,000 live births). For both the total number and rate of abortions, the change from 2008 to 2009 was the largest single year decrease during the entire period of analysis. Moreover, for all three measures of abortion, the annual rate of decrease fitted from the regression analysis was greater during 2005–2009 than during 2000–2004. During 2005–2009, the number of reported abortions decreased by 7,538 abortions per year, the abortion rate decreased by 0.12 abortions per 1,000 women per year, and the abortion ratio decreased by 2.2 abortions per 1,000 live births per year. In contrast, during 2000–2004, the number of reported abortions decreased by 3,128 abortions per year, the abortion rate decreased by 0.06 abortions per 1,000 women per year, and the abortion ratio decreased by 1.8 abortions per 1,000 live births per year.
** p.5

* Abortion numbers, rates, and ratios have been calculated by individual state or reporting area of occurrence and the residence of the women who obtained the abortions. By occurrence, a considerable range existed in the total number of reported abortions (ranging from 769 in South Dakota to 119,996 in New York, including New York City and New York State combined), the abortion rate (ranging from 4.0 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years in Mississippi to 29.8 in New York [city and state combined]), and the abortion ratio (ranging from 57 abortions per 1,000 live births in Mississippi to 484 in New York [city and state combined]). Similarly, a considerable range existed by residence††† in the total number of reported abortions (ranging from 782 in Wyoming to 115,629 in New York [city and state combined]), the abortion rate (ranging from 5.7 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years in Utah to 28.7 in New York§§§ [city and state combined]), and the abortion ratio (ranging from 64 abortions per 1,000 live births in Utah to 466 in New York [city and state combined]). Because of the substantial variation that also occurred among reporting areas in the percentage of abortions obtained by out-of-state residents (ranging from none in Wyoming to 51.8% in the District of Columbia), abortion rates and ratios calculated by maternal residence might provide a more accurate reflection of population trends. However, these measures must be viewed with caution because states vary in the level of detail they collect on maternal residence and as a result, 11.4% of abortions were reported without a state, territory, reporting area, or country of maternal residence.
** p.5

* Among the 45 areas that reported by maternal age for 2009, women aged 20–29 years accounted for the majority (57.1%) of abortions and had the highest abortion rates (27.4 and 20.4 abortions per 1,000 women aged 20–24 and 25–29 years, respectively) (Figure 2, Table 3). Women in the youngest and oldest age groups (aged &lt;15 or ≥40 years) accounted for the smallest percentage of abortions (0.5% and 3.3%, respectively) and had the lowest abortion rates (1.1 and 2.7 abortions per 1,000 women aged &lt;15 and ≥40 years, respectively). Among the 42 reporting areas that provided data every year during 2000–2009, this pattern across age groups was stable, with the majority of abortions and the highest abortion rates occurring among women aged 20–29 years and the lowest percentages of abortions and abortion rates occurring among women in the youngest and oldest age groups. However, from 2000 to 2009 the abortion rate and percentage of abortions accounted for by younger women decreased, whereas the abortion rate and percentage of abortions accounted for by older women increased. Among women aged &lt;30 years, abortion rates decreased both from 2000 to 2004 and from 2005 to 2009; decreases from 2008 to 2009 were greater than in any other year during the period of analysis (6%–8%). In contrast, among women aged ≥40 years, abortion rates increased both from 2001 to 2004 and from 2005 to 2009. Among women aged 30–39 years, abortion rates varied more from year to year, resulting in little overall change: although abortion rates increased among women aged 35–39 years from 2000 to 2004 this increase did not continue from 2005 to 2009. &lt;br&gt; In contrast to the percentage distribution of abortion numbers and abortion rates, abortion ratios in 2009 were highest among adolescents aged ≤19 years and lowest among women aged 30–39 years. Among the 42 reporting areas that provided data for every year during 2000–2009, abortion ratios decreased among all women aged ≥15 years. For most age groups ≥15 years, abortion ratios decreased both from 2000 to 2004 and from 2005 to 2009. However for women aged 15–19 years, abortion ratios increased from 2000 to 2004 before they decreased from 2005 to 2009; among women aged 35–39 years abortion ratios decreased from 2000 to 2004 but not from 2005 to 2009.
** pp.5-6

* Among the 42 areas that reported age by individual year among adolescents for 2009, the adolescent abortion rate was 9.7 abortions per 1,000 adolescents aged ≤19 years. Adolescents aged 18–19 years accounted for the majority (63.9%) of adolescent abortions and had the highest adolescent abortion rates (18.4 and 22.9 abortions per 1,000 adolescents aged 18 and 19 years, respectively); adolescents aged &lt;15 years accounted for the smallest percentage of adolescent abortions (3.0%) and had the lowest adolescent abortion rate (1.0 abortions per 1,000 adolescents aged &lt;15 years). Among the 39 reporting areas that provided data for adolescents by individual year of age every year during 2000–2009, this pattern across age groups was stable, with older adolescents consistently accounting for the largest percentage of adolescent abortions and having the highest abortion rates (Table 6). Although the percentage of abortions accounted for by adolescents aged 19 years increased from 2000 to 2009, abortion rates decreased among adolescents of all ages, and these decreases occurred both from 2000 to 2004 and from 2005 to 2009. For adolescents in all age groups, the decrease in the abortion rate from 2008 to 2009 was the largest single year change during the entire period of analysis. &lt;br&gt; The adolescent abortion ratio for 2009 was 326 abortions per 1,000 live births. Adolescent abortion ratios decreased with increasing age and were lowest among adolescents aged 19 years (Table 5). Among the 39 reporting areas that provided data for adolescents by individual year of age for every year during 2000–2009, abortion ratios among all adolescents aged &gt;15 years were lower in 2009 than they had been in 2000, with the greatest decreases occurring among adolescents aged 18–19 years. For all adolescents aged 15–19 years this decrease occurred almost exclusively from 2005 to 2009 and not from 2000 to 2004.
** p.6

* Among the 39 areas that reported gestational age at the time of abortion for 2009, the majority (64.0%) of abortions were performed at ≤8 weeks’ gestation, and 91.7% were performed at ≤13 weeks’ gestation. Few abortions (7.0%) were performed at 14–20 weeks’ gestation, and even fewer (1.3%) were performed at ≥21 weeks’ gestation. Among the 30 reporting areas that provided data on gestational age every year during 2000–2009 (Table 8), the percentage of abortions performed at ≤13 weeks’ gestation increased only slightly. However, within this gestational age range, a shift occurred toward earlier gestational ages, with abortions performed at ≤8 weeks’ gestation increasing 12%. The percentage increase in abortions performed at ≤8 weeks’ was greatest from 2000 to 2004 but continued from 2005 to 2009. Throughout the period of analysis, the percentage of abortions performed at &gt;13 weeks’ gestation remained low (&lt;10%), and abortions performed at ≥16 weeks’ gestation decreased 13%–22% from 2000 to 2009. &lt;br&gt; Among the subset of abortions performed at ≤13 weeks’ gestation in 2009, 35.2% were performed at ≤6 weeks’ gestation, and 34.6% were performed at 7–8 weeks’ gestation. Among the remaining abortions at ≤13 weeks’ gestation, the percentage contribution was progressively lower for each additional week of gestation: 10.2% were performed at 9 weeks’ gestation, whereas 3.0% were performed at 13 weeks’ gestation. Among the 30 areas that reported by the exact week of gestational age for every year during 2000–2009, the percentage of abortions shifted over time toward earlier gestational ages: among abortions performed at ≤13 weeks’ gestation, those that were performed at ≤6 weeks’ gestation increased 47%, whereas the percentage performed at 7–13 weeks’ gestation decreased up to 26% (Table 10); the percentage increase in abortions performed at ≤6 weeks’ was greatest from 2000 to 2004, but this increase continued from 2005 to 2009.
** pp.6-7

* Among the 38 areas that reported by method type for 2009 and included medical abortion on their reporting form for medical providers, 74.2% of abortions were performed by curettage at ≤13 weeks’ gestation; 16.5% were performed by early medical (nonsurgical) abortion, 8.1% were performed by curettage at &gt;13 weeks’ gestation, and all other methods were uncommon. Among the 27 reporting areas that included medical abortion on their reporting form and provided this data for all 3 years of comparison (2001, the first full year following FDA approval of mifepristone for use in early medical abortion, as well as 2008 and 2009), the use of early medical abortion increased 10% from 2008 to 2009 and approximately 350% from 2001 to 2009 (from 3.4% of abortions in 2001 to 13.8% in 2008 and 15.2% in 2009). In contrast, use of curettage at ≤13 weeks’ gestation decreased 2% from 2008 to 2009 and 14% from 2001 to 2009 (from 87.3% of abortions in 2001 to 76.7% in 2008 and 75.5% in 2009). Use of curettage at &gt;13 weeks’ gestation was stable from 2001 to 2008 but decreased 5% from 2008 to 2009 (from 8.6% of abortions in 2001 and in 2008 to 8.2% in 2009). All other methods consistently accounted for a small percentage of abortions (0.04%–0.9%).
** p.7

* Among the 29 areas that reported cross-classified race/ethnicity data for 2009, non-Hispanic white women and non-Hispanic black women accounted for the largest percentages of abortions (37.7% and 35.4%, respectively), whereas Hispanic women and non-Hispanic women in the other races category accounted for smaller percentages (20.6% and 6.3%, respectively). Non-Hispanic white women had the lowest abortion rates (8.5 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years) and ratios (140 abortions per 1,000 live births), whereas non-Hispanic black women had the highest abortion rates (32.5 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years) and ratios (477 abortions per 1,000 live births). Among the 24 areas that reported by race/ethnicity every year during 2007–2009, abortion rates decreased for all racial/ethnic groups. The abortion rate decreased 7% for non-Hispanic white women (from 9.1 abortions per 1,000 women in 2007 to 8.5 in 2009) and 6% for Hispanic women (from 20.5 abortions per 1,000 women in 2007 to 19.3 in 2009) but only 1% for non-Hispanic black women (from 34.6 abortions per 1,000 women in 2007 to 34.2 in 2009). In contrast, abortion ratios decreased among non-Hispanic white women but not among women in any other racial/ethnic group. For non-Hispanic white women, the abortion ratio decreased 3% (from 143 abortions per 1,000 live births in 2007 to 138 in 2009), whereas the abortion ratio increased 4% for non-Hispanic black women (from 481 abortions per 1,000 live births in 2007 to 501 in 2009) and 2% for Hispanic women (from 192 abortions per 1,000 live births in 2007 to 195 in 2009). Data also are reported separately by race and by ethnicity for 2009 and for 2000–2009.
** p.7

* Among the 37 areas that reported marital status for 2009, 15.0% of all women who obtained abortions were married, and 85.0% were unmarried. For the 28 reporting areas that provided these data for the relevant years of comparison, the percentage of abortions accounted for by unmarried women increased 4% from 2000 to 2009 (from 81.6% in 2000 to 85.0% in 2009); an increase occurred both from 2000 to 2004 and from 2005 to 2009.
** p.7

* Data from the 36 areas that reported the number of previous live births for women who obtained abortions in 2009 show that 40.2%, 46.3%, and 13.6% of these women previously had zero, one to two, or three or more live births, respectively. Among the 29 reporting areas that provided these data for the relevant years of comparison, little change occurred in the distribution of abortions by the number of previous live births: the percentage of women who had zero previous live births was 39.7% in 2000 and 40.1% in 2009; the percentage of women who had one to two previous live births was 48.0% in 2000 and 46.4% in 2009; and the percentage of women who had three or more previous live births was 12.4% in 2000 and 13.5% in 2009. &lt;br&gt; Data from the 37 areas that reported the number of previous abortions for women obtaining abortions in 2009 show that the majority of women (55.3%) had not previously had an abortion; 36.6% had previously had either one to two abortions, and 8.1% had three or more abortions. Among the 30 reporting areas that provided data for the relevant years of comparison, the distribution of abortions by the number of previous abortions changed little: the percentage of women who had zero previous abortions was 55.0% in 2000 and 55.4% in 2009; the percentage of women who had one or two previous abortions was 37.3% in 2000 and 36.5% in 2009; and the percentage of women who had three or more previous abortions was 7.7% in 2000 and 8.2% in 2009.
** pp.7-8

* In some reporting areas, abortions that were categorized by maternal race and race/ethnicity were further categorized by maternal age and marital status. A consistent pattern existed for abortion by age across all racial and racial/ethnic groups, with the smallest percentage of abortions occurring among adolescents aged &lt;15 years (0.3%–0.7%) and the largest percentage occurring among women aged 20–24 years (26.9%–33.8%). A consistent pattern also existed for abortion by marital status across all racial and racial/ethnic groups, with a higher percentage of abortions occurring among women who were unmarried (66.0%–91.3%) than among those who were married (8.7%–34.0%). However, although most abortions occurred among unmarried women in all racial/ethnic groups, this percentage was higher for non-Hispanic black women (90.6%) than it was for non-Hispanic white (83.3%) or Hispanic women (83.8%).
** p.8

* In some reporting areas, abortions that were categorized by weeks of gestation were further categorized by maternal age, race, and race/ethnicity. In every subgroup for these three variables, the largest percentage of abortions was obtained at ≤8 weeks’ gestation. However, whereas 46.5% of adolescents aged &lt;15 years and 54.3% of adolescents aged 15–19 years obtained an abortion by ≤8 weeks’ gestation, 62.1%–71.2% of women aged ≥20 years obtained an abortion by this point in gestation (Figure 3; Table 22). Conversely, 19.0% of adolescents aged &lt;15 years and 11.8% of adolescents 15–19 years obtained an abortion after 13 weeks’ gestation, whereas this percentage ranged from 6.5%–8.7% for adult women. By race/ethnicity, 58.4% of non-Hispanic black women obtained an abortion at ≤8 weeks’ gestation, whereas 66.5%–70.8% of women from other racial/ethnic groups obtained an abortion by this point in gestation. Non-Hispanic black women also obtained the highest percentage of abortions after 13 weeks’ gestation; however, differences across racial/ethnic groups were less apparent than differences across age groups.
** p.8

* Among abortions categorized by method type and gestational age, curettage accounted for the largest percentage of abortions within every gestational age category. At ≤8 weeks’ gestation, curettage accounted for a smaller percentage of abortions (74.5%) than at any other stage of gestation, and early medical abortion accounted for a comparatively high percentage of abortions (25.2%). At 9–17 weeks’ gestation, curettage accounted for 96.4%–98.3% of all abortions and then decreased to 94.7% of abortions at 18–20 weeks’ gestation and 91.4% of abortions at ≥21 weeks’ gestation. After the gestational age limit of ≤8 weeks’ gestation for early medical abortion, the use of medications to induce abortions through nonsurgical methods accounted for only 0.8%–2.9% of reported abortions at 9–20 weeks’ gestation and then increased to 6.9% of abortions at ≥21 weeks’ gestation. Throughout gestation, intrauterine instillations and abortions reported in the other methods category accounted for a small percentage (&lt;0.01%–1.9%) of abortions.
** p.8

* Using national data from the Pregnancy Mortality Surveillance System, CDC identified 12 abortion-related deaths for 2008. These deaths were identified either by some indication of abortion on the death certificate, by reports from a health-care provider or public health agency, or from a media report. Investigation of these cases indicated that all 12 deaths were related to legal abortion and none to illegal abortion. The national legal induced abortion case-fatality rate for 2004–2008 was 0.64 legal induced abortion-related deaths per 100,000 reported legal abortions. Possible abortion-related deaths that occurred during 2009–2012 are under investigation.
** p.8

* For 2009, a total of 784,507 abortions were reported. Of these abortions, 772,630 (98.5%) were from the 45 reporting areas that submitted data every year during 2000–2009, thus providing the information necessary for evaluating trends. These 45 areas had an abortion rate of 15.1 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years and an abortion ratio of 227 abortions per 1,000 live births. Comparing 2008 with 2009, this represents the largest single-year decrease in the total number (a decrease of 5% from 810,403) and rate (a decrease of 5% from 15.9 abortions per 1,000 women) of reported abortions. Because of the size of the decreases that occurred from 2008 to 2009 for all three measures of abortion, the overall decrease in the total number, rate and ratio was greater during 2005–2009 than during 2000–2004. Hence, although recent variations had resulted in a leveling off from sustained decreases observed in the past, with no net decrease in the total number or rate of abortions occurring from 2005 to 2008, all three measures of abortion decreased in 2009 to the lowest level observed during the entire period of analysis. &lt;br&gt; In addition to highlighting changes that occurred among all women of reproductive age, this report highlights important age differences in abortion trends. Throughout the period of analysis (2000–2009), women in their 20s consistently accounted for the majority of abortions (56%–57%) and therefore strongly influenced overall changes in abortion rates, including the observed decrease from 2008 to 2009. Conversely, women aged ≥35 years consistently have accounted for a small percentage of abortions (≤12% during 2000–2009) and have had a much smaller impact on overall abortion trends. Nonetheless, the persistent increase in abortion rates and high abortion ratios among women aged ≥40 years suggest that unintended pregnancy is a problem that women continue to face throughout their reproductive years.
** p.9

* The adolescent abortion trends described in this report are important for monitoring progress that has been made toward reducing pregnancies among adolescents in the United States. During 1990–2008, the pregnancy rate for adolescents aged 15–19 years decreased 40%. Although this decrease was associated with significant decreases in rates of live births and abortions, decreases during this period were even greater for abortions than live births; even during a brief 2-year increase from 2005 to 2007 in the adolescent birth rate, the adolescent abortion rate decreased by 1%. Data from this report indicate that the decrease in pregnancies among adolescents is continuing; the abortion rate for adolescents aged 15–19 years decreased 8% from 2008 to 2009, thus exceeding the 6% decrease in adolescent births for this year.
** p.9

* The findings in this report on race and ethnicity reflect differences in patterns of obtaining abortions that have been well-documented and observed for many years. Comparatively high abortion rates and ratios among non-Hispanic black women can be attributed to higher unintended pregnancy rates and a higher percentage of unintended pregnancies ending in abortion. Data from recent reports suggest that differences in measures of abortion between black women and women of other races have narrowed, although this pattern has not been observed in the data reported to CDC for 2009 or in previous years. High abortion rates among Hispanic compared with non-Hispanic white women have been attributed to high pregnancy rates among Hispanic women. However, abortion ratios in these two groups have been more comparable: Hispanic women have tended to have a slightly higher percentage of pregnancies that are unintended but are no more likely than non-Hispanic white women to end unintended pregnancies in abortion. Differences between non-Hispanic white and Hispanic women in abortion rates and ratios changed little from 2007 to 2009. &lt;br&gt; The findings in this report indicate that more women are obtaining abortions earlier in gestation, when the risks for complications are lowest. Among the areas that reported data every year during 2000–2009, the percentage of abortions performed at ≤8 weeks’ gestation increased 12%. Moreover, among the areas that reported abortions at ≤13 weeks’ gestation by individual week, a clear shift in the distribution toward earlier weeks of gestation was observed: from 2000 to 2009, abortions performed at ≤6 weeks’ gestation increased 47%, whereas those performed at ≥8 weeks’ gestation decreased. However, these changes were greater from 2000 to 2004 than from 2005 to 2009, suggesting that the increase in the percentage of abortions performed during the earliest stages of gestation might have slowed in recent years. Moreover, the overall percentage of abortions performed at ≤13 weeks’ gestation changed little during 2000–2009, and findings from this report and other research suggest that delays in obtaining an abortion are more common among certain groups of women. Given the small but persistent percentage of women who obtain abortions at &gt;13 weeks’ gestation, a greater understanding is needed of the factors that cause delays in pregnancy termination.
** p.9

* The trend of obtaining abortions earlier in pregnancy, although not observed equally among all subgroups of women, has been facilitated by changes in abortion practices. Curettage has remained the most common method for performing abortions. Although for many years this type of abortion was performed only after the initial weeks of gestation, the development of highly sensitive pregnancy tests and transvaginal ultrasonography increasingly have allowed clinicians to diagnose pregnancy and confirm its termination at ≤6 weeks’ gestation. In addition, the use of medical abortion might have contributed to the increasing percentage of abortions performed early in gestation. In September 2000, FDA approved mifepristone for use in early medical abortion, and the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists has endorsed an evidence-based protocol that can be used up to 63 days of gestation. In 2009, 64.0% of abortions were performed at ≤8 weeks’ gestation and thus were eligible for early medical abortion; 25.2% of these eligible abortions and 16.5% of all abortions were reported as early medical abortions. Moreover, the use of early medical abortion has increased substantially since FDA approval of mifepristone: from 2001 to 2009, the percentage of all reported abortions accounted for by this method increased approximately 350%. Furthermore, whereas the rate of increase leveled off after the initial years of approval, the proportional use of this method has continued to increase, with the percentage of all abortions reported as early medical abortion increasing 10% from 2008 to 2009.
** pp.9-10

* In 2008, 12 legal induced abortion-related deaths occurred; no women died as a result of a known illegal abortion. The annual number of legal induced abortions has fluctuated from year to year over the past 36 years. For example, 12 abortion-related deaths occurred in 1994, four deaths in 1995, and nine deaths in 1996. Because of this variability and the relatively small number of abortion-related deaths every year, national case-fatality rates were calculated for 5-year periods. The national legal induced abortion case-fatality rate was 0.64 legal induced abortion-related deaths per 100,000 reported legal induced abortions for both the most recent period (2004–2008) and the preceding 5-year period (1999–2003).
** p.10

* Ongoing abortion surveillance is important for several reasons. First, abortion surveillance is needed to guide and evaluate programs aimed at preventing unintended pregnancies. Pregnancy intentions are complex and difficult to assess; abortion surveillance provides an important measure of pregnancies that are unwanted. Second, routine abortion surveillance is needed to assess changes in clinical practice patterns over time. Information in this report on the prevalence of abortions performed through different methods (e.g., medical or curettage) and at different gestational ages provides the denominator data that are necessary for analyses of the relative safety of abortion practices. Finally, statistics on the number of pregnancies ending in abortion are needed in conjunction with data on births and fetal losses to more accurately estimate the number of pregnancies in the United States and determine rates for various outcomes (e.g., adolescent pregnancy rates). &lt;br&gt; According to the most recent national estimates, 18% of all pregnancies in the United States end in abortion. Multiple factors are known to influence the incidence of abortion, including the availability of abortion providers; state regulations, such as mandatory waiting periods, parental involvement laws, and legal restrictions on abortion providers; increasing acceptance of nonmarital childbearing; shifts in the racial/ethnic composition of the U.S. population; and changes in the economy and the resulting impact on fertility preferences and access to health-care services, including contraception. However, despite these multiple influences, given that unintended pregnancy precedes nearly all abortions efforts to reduce the incidence of abortion need to focus on helping women avoid pregnancies that they do not desire.
** p.11

* Providing women and men with the knowledge and resources necessary to make decisions about their sexual behavior and use of contraception can help them avoid unintended pregnancies. However, efforts to improve contraceptive use and reduce the number of unintended pregnancies in the United States have been challenging. Findings from the National Survey of Family Growth (NSFG), the primary national source of data on unintended pregnancy in the United States, suggest that unintended pregnancy decreased during 1982–1995 in conjunction with an increase in contraceptive use among women at risk for unintended pregnancy. However, data from the 2002 and 2006–2010 NSFGs show that contraceptive use among women at risk for unintended pregnancy has decreased. Moreover, although use of the most effective forms of reversible contraception (i.e., intrauterine devices and hormonal implants, which are as effective as sterilization at preventing unintended pregnancy) has increased, use of these methods in the United States remains among the lowest of any developed country, and no additional progress has been made toward reducing unintended pregnancy. Research has shown that providing no-cost contraception increases use of the most effective methods and can reduce abortion rates. Removing cost as one barrier to the use of the most effective contraceptive methods might therefore be an important way to reduce the number of unintended pregnancies and consequently the number of abortions that are performed in the United States.
** p.11

=== &quot;Abortion Surveillance — United States, 2011&quot; (November 28, 2014) ===
&lt;small&gt; Karen Pazol, Andreea A. Creanga, Kim D. Burley, Denise J. Jamieson; [https://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/ss6311a1.htm &quot;Abortion Surveillance — United States, 2011&quot;]. “Surveillance Summaries”, November 28, 2014 / 63(SS11);1-41. &lt;/small&gt;
* Results: A total of 730,322 abortions were reported to CDC for 2011. Of these abortions, 98.3% were from the 46 reporting areas that provided data every year during 2002–2011. Among these same 46 reporting areas, the abortion rate for 2011 was 13.9 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years, and the abortion ratio was 219 abortions per 1,000 live births. From 2010 to 2011, the total number and rate of reported abortions decreased 5% and the abortion ratio decreased 4%, and from 2002 to 2011, the total number, rate, and ratio of reported abortions decreased 13%, 14%, and 12%, respectively. In 2011, all three measures reached their lowest level for the entire period of analysis (2002–2011). &lt;br&gt; In 2011 and throughout the period of analysis, women in their 20s accounted for the majority of abortions and had the highest abortion rates, and women in their 30s and older accounted for a much smaller percentage of abortions and had lower abortion rates. In 2011, women aged 20–24 and 25–29 years accounted for 32.9% and 24.9% of all abortions, respectively, and had abortion rates of 24.9 and 19.4 abortions per 1,000 women aged 20–24 and 25–29 years, respectively. In contrast, women aged 30–34, 35–39, and ≥40 years accounted for 15.8%, 8.9%, and 3.6% of all abortions, respectively, and had abortion rates of 12.7, 7.5, and 2.8 abortions per 1,000 women aged 30–34 years, 35–39 years, and ≥40 years, respectively. Throughout the period of analysis, abortion rates decreased among women aged 20–24 and 25–29 years by 21% and 16%, respectively, whereas they increased among women aged ≥40 years by 8%. &lt;br&gt; In 2011, adolescents aged &lt;15 and 15–19 years accounted for 0.4% and 13.5% of all abortions, respectively, and had abortion rates of 0.9 and 10.5 abortions per 1,000 adolescents aged &lt;15 and 15–19 years, respectively. From 2002 to 2011, the percentage of abortions accounted for by adolescents aged 15–19 years decreased 21% and their abortion rate decreased 34%. These decreases were greater than the decreases for women in any older age group.
* In contrast to the percentage distribution of abortions and abortion rates by age, abortion ratios in 2011 and throughout the entire period of analysis were highest among adolescents and lowest among women aged 30–39 years. Abortion ratios decreased from 2002 to 2011 for women in all age groups except for those aged &lt;15 years, for whom they increased. &lt;br&gt; In 2011, most (64.5%) abortions were performed by ≤8 weeks' gestation, and nearly all (91.4%) were performed by ≤13 weeks' gestation. Few abortions (7.3%) were performed between 14–20 weeks' gestation or at ≥21 weeks' gestation (1.4%). From 2002 to 2011, the percentage of all abortions performed at ≤8 weeks' gestation increased 6%. &lt;br&gt; In 2011, among reporting areas that included medical (nonsurgical) abortion on their reporting form, a total of 71.0% of abortions were performed by curettage at ≤13 weeks' gestation, 19.1% were performed by early medical abortion (a nonsurgical abortion at ≤8 weeks' gestation), and 8.6% were performed by curettage at &gt;13 weeks' gestation; all other methods were uncommon. Among abortions performed at ≤8 weeks' gestation that were eligible for early medical abortion on the basis of gestational age, 28.5% were completed by this method. The percentage of abortions reported as early medical abortions increased 3% from 2010 to 2011.
* In 2010, the most recent year for which data were available, 10 women were identified to have died as a result of complications from known legal induced abortions. No reported deaths were associated with known illegal induced abortions.
* Interpretation: Among the 46 areas that reported data every year during 2002–2011, large decreases in the total number, rate, and ratio of reported abortions from 2010 to 2011, in combination with decreases that occurred during 2008–2010, resulted in historic lows for all three measures of abortion.
* Among the 49 reporting areas that provided data for 2011, a total of 730,322 abortions were reported. Of these abortions, 717,903 (98.3%) were obtained from the 46 reporting areas that provided data every year during 2002–2011. These same 46 areas had an abortion rate of 13.9 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years and an abortion ratio of 219 abortions per 1,000 live births. All three measures of abortion reached the lowest level reported during the entire period of analysis. From 2010 to 2011, the total number of reported abortions decreased 5% (from 753,065), the abortion rate decreased 5% (from 14.6 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years), and the abortion ratio decreased 4% (from 228 abortions per 1,000 live births). Among the 46 areas that reported every year during 2002–2011, the total number of reported abortions decreased 13% (from 828,027), the abortion rate decreased 14% (from 16.2 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years), and the abortion ratio decreased 12% (from 250 abortions per 1,000 live births). Among the same 46 areas that reported every year during 2002–2011, the annual rate of decrease fitted from the regression analysis for both the total number and rate, but not the ratio of reported abortions, was greater during 2007–2011 than during 2002–2006. During 2007–2011, the number of reported abortions decreased by 26,058 abortions per year, the abortion rate decreased by 0.50 abortions per 1,000 women per year, and the abortion ratio decreased by 2.6 abortions per 1,000 live births per year. In contrast, during 2002–2006, the number of reported abortions decreased by 918 abortions per year, and the abortion rate decreased by 0.04 abortions per 1,000 women per year, while the abortion ratio decreased by 3.5 abortions per 1,000 live births per year.
* Abortion numbers, rates, and ratios for 2011 have been calculated by individual state or reporting area of occurrence and the residence of the women who obtained the abortions. By occurrence, a considerable range existed in the abortion rate (ranging from 3.7 per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years in Mississippi to 27.6 in New York [city and state combined]), and the abortion ratio (ranging from 50 abortions per 1,000 live births in South Dakota to 461 in New York [city and state combined]).  Similarly, a considerable range existed by residence§§§ in the abortion rate (ranging from 4.9 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years in South Dakota to 26.7 in New York [city and state combined]), and the abortion ratio (ranging from 63 abortions per 1,000 live births in Utah to 446 in New York [city and state combined]). Because of variation that occurred among reporting areas in the percentage of abortions obtained by out-of-state residents (ranging from 0.7% in Alaska to 53.6% in the District of Columbia), abortion rates and ratios calculated by maternal residence might provide a more accurate reflection of the state-specific distribution of women obtaining abortions. However, because states vary in the level of detail they collect on maternal residence, 12.2% of abortions were reported to CDC without exact information on maternal residence.
* Among the 46 areas that reported by maternal age for 2011, women in their 20s accounted for the majority (57.8%) of abortions and had the highest abortion rates (24.9 and 19.4 abortions per 1,000 women aged 20–24 and 25–29 years, respectively). Women in the youngest (&lt;15 years) and oldest age groups (≥40 years) accounted for the smallest percentage of abortions (0.4% and 3.6%, respectively) and had the lowest abortion rates (0.9 and 2.8 abortions per 1,000 women aged &lt;15 and ≥40 years, respectively). Among the 43 reporting areas that provided data every year during 2002–2011, this pattern across age groups was stable, with the majority of abortions and the highest abortion rates occurring among women aged 20–29 years and the lowest percentages of abortions and abortion rates occurring among women in the youngest and oldest age groups. However, from 2002 to 2011 the abortion rate and percentage of abortions accounted for by younger women decreased, whereas the abortion rate and percentage of abortions accounted for by older women increased. Decreases in the abortion rate were greatest for adolescents (36% and 34% for adolescents aged &lt;15 and 15–19 years, respectively), but also were pronounced for women aged 20–29 years (21% and 16% for women aged 20–24 and 25–29 years, respectively). Among all women aged &lt;30 years, decreases in the abortion rate were greatest from 2007 to 2011, but also occurred from 2002 to 2006. In contrast, among women aged ≥40 years, abortion rates increased during both periods, resulting in an overall increase of 8%. Among women aged 30–39 years, abortion rates varied from year to year, resulting in smaller overall changes. &lt;br&gt; In contrast to the percentage distribution of abortion numbers and abortion rates, abortion ratios in 2011 were highest among adolescents aged ≤19 years and lowest among women aged 30–39 years. Among the 43 reporting areas that provided data for every year during 2002–2011, abortion ratios decreased among all women aged ≥15 years. For most age groups ≥15 years, abortion ratios decreased both from 2002 to 2006 and from 2007 to 2011. However, for women aged 20–24 years, abortion ratios decreased from 2002 to 2006 but then increased from 2007 to 2011.
* Among the 44 areas that reported age by individual year among adolescents for 2011, adolescents aged 18–19 years accounted for the majority (65.3%) of adolescent abortions and had the highest adolescent abortion rates (14.8 and 18.9 abortions per 1,000 adolescents aged 18 and 19 years, respectively); adolescents aged &lt;15 years accounted for the smallest percentage of adolescent abortions (3.0%) and had the lowest adolescent abortion rate (0.8 abortions per 1,000 adolescents aged 13–14 years). Among the 40 reporting areas that provided data for adolescents by individual year of age every year during 2002–2011, this pattern across age groups became even more pronounced . The percentage of abortions accounted for by older adolescents increased, and decreases in the abortion rate were greater for younger as compared with older adolescents. Among adolescents of all ages, abortion rates decreased both from 2002 to 2006 and from 2007 to 2011, but decreases were greatest from 2007 to 2011, and large decreases continued from 2010 to 2011. &lt;br&gt; In 2011, the adolescent abortion ratio decreased with increasing age and was lowest among adolescents aged 19 years. Among the 40 reporting areas that provided data for adolescents by individual year of age for every year during 2002–2011, abortion ratios increased among adolescents aged &lt;15 years and decreased among adolescents aged ≥15 years.
* Among the 39 areas that reported gestational age at the time of abortion for 2011, the majority (64.5%) of abortions were performed by ≤8 weeks' gestation, and 91.4% were performed at ≤13 weeks' gestation. Few abortions were performed between 14–20 weeks' gestation (7.3%) or at ≥21 weeks' gestation (1.4%). Among the 31 reporting areas that provided data on gestational age every year during 2002–2011, the percentage of abortions performed at ≤13 weeks' gestation increased slightly. However, within this gestational age range, a shift occurred toward earlier gestational ages, with abortions performed at ≤8 weeks' gestation increasing 6% and abortions performed at 9–13 weeks decreasing 12%. Abortions performed at &gt;13 weeks' gestation decreased 1% from 2002 to 2011 and accounted for a small percentage of abortions (≤8.9%) for the entire period during 2002–2011. &lt;br&lt; Among the subset of abortions performed at ≤13 weeks' gestation and reported by individual week of gestation for 2011, 36.1% were performed at ≤6 weeks' gestation. Among the remaining abortions between 7 and 13 weeks' gestation, the percentage contribution was progressively lower for each additional week of gestation: 19.5% were performed at 7 weeks' gestation and 3.0% were performed at 13 weeks' gestation. Among the 31 areas that reported by exact week of gestation for abortions at ≤13 weeks' gestation every year during 2002–2011, the percentage of abortions shifted toward earlier gestational ages: those performed at ≤6 weeks' gestation increased 19%, and those performed at 7–12 weeks' gestation decreased up to 18%.
* Among the 40 areas that reported by method type for 2011 and included medical abortion on their reporting form for medical providers, 71.0% of abortions were performed by curettage at ≤13 weeks' gestation, 19.1% were performed by early medical abortion (a nonsurgical abortion at ≤8 weeks' gestation), and 8.6% were performed by curettage at &gt;13 weeks' gestation; all other methods were uncommon. Among the 29 reporting areas that included medical abortion on their reporting form and provided this data for the relevant years of comparison (2002 versus 2006, 2007 versus 2011, and 2010 versus 2011), use of early medical abortion increased 3% from 2010 to 2011 (from 17.7% of abortions in 2010 to 18.3% in 2011); from 2002 to 2011, use of early medical abortion increased approximately 200% (from 5.8% of abortions in 2002 to 18.3% in 2011). Large increases in medical abortion occurred both from 2002 to 2006 (from 5.8% of abortions in 2002 to 10.9% in 2006 [88% increase]), and from 2007 to 2011 (from 12.1% of abortions in 2007 to 18.3% in 2011 [51% increase]). In contrast, use of curettage at ≤13 weeks' gestation decreased 14% (from 83.9% of abortions in 2002 to 72.0% in 2011). Curettage at &gt;13 weeks' gestation consistently accounted for approximately 8% of abortions (8.2% in 2002 and 8.6% in 2011), and all other methods consistently accounted for a small percentage of abortions (0.03%–1.4%).
* Among the 27 areas that reported cross-classified race/ethnicity data for 2011, non-Hispanic white women and non-Hispanic black women accounted for the largest percentages of abortions (37.2% and 36.2%, respectively), and Hispanic women and non-Hispanic women in the other race category accounted for smaller percentages (19.7% and 7.0%, respectively). Non-Hispanic white women had the lowest abortion rate (8.0 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years) and ratio (132 abortions per 1,000 live births), and non-Hispanic black women had the highest abortion rate (29.7 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years) and ratio (459 abortions per 1,000 live births). &lt;br&gt; Among the 21 areas that reported by race/ethnicity for 2007, 2010 and 2011, abortion rates decreased substantially for all three major racial/ethnic groups. For non-Hispanic white women, the abortion rate decreased 15% (from 9.3 abortions per 1,000 women in 2007 to 7.9 in 2011), for non-Hispanic black women it decreased 12% (from 34.8 abortions per 1,000 women in 2007 to 30.7 in 2011) and for Hispanic women it decreased 18% (from 20.7 abortions per 1,000 women in 2007 to 16.9 in 2011). In contrast, from 2007 to 2011, a large decrease (10%) in the abortion ratio occurred among non-Hispanic white women (from 144 to 130 abortions per 1,000 live births), a lesser decrease (2%) occurred among non-Hispanic black women (from 486 to 474 abortions per 1,000 live births), and a small increase (3%) occurred among Hispanic women (from 204 to 210 abortions per 1,000 live births). Data are reported separately by race and by ethnicity for 2011 and for 2002–2011.
* Among the 37 areas that reported by marital status for 2011, 14.5% of all women who obtained an abortion were married and 85.5% were unmarried. The abortion ratio was 43 abortions per 1,000 live births for married women and 373 abortions per 1,000 live births for unmarried women. Among the 32 reporting areas†††† that provided these data for the relevant years of comparison (2002 versus 2006, 2007 versus 2011, and 2010 versus 2011), the percentage of abortions among unmarried women increased 5% from 2002 to 2011 (from 81.7% in 2002 to 85.4% in 2011); a similar increase occurred from 2002 to 2006 and from 2007 to 2011. Among married women, the abortion ratio decreased 23% from 2002 to 2011 (from 56 to 43 abortions per 1,000 live births), with a larger decrease occurring from 2007 to 2011 (16%) than from 2002 to 2006 (7%). Among unmarried women, the abortion ratio decreased 25% from 2002 to 2011 (from 505 to 381 abortions per 1,000 live births). For unmarried women, the decrease was greater from 2002 to 2006 (16%) than from 2007 to 2011 (4%).
* Data from the 40 areas that reported the number of previous live births for women who obtained abortions in 2011 show that 39.9%, 46.1%, and 13.9% of these women had zero, one to two, or three or more previous live births, respectively. Among the 33 reporting areas§§§§ that provided these data for the relevant years of comparison (2002 versus 2006, 2007 versus 2011, and 2010 versus 2011), the percentage of women obtaining abortions who had no previous live births was comparatively stable; by contrast, the percentage decreased for women who had one to two previous live births, and increased for women who had three or more previous live births. Among the areas included in this comparison, 39.0%, 48.4%, and 12.6% of women had zero, one to two, or three or more previous live births, respectively in 2002; 39.8%, 46.4% and 13.8% of women had zero, one to two, or three or more live births, respectively in 2011. &lt;br&gt; Data from the 37 areas that reported the number of previous abortions for women who obtained abortions in 2011 indicate that the majority (56.9%) had no previous abortions, 36.1% had one to two previous abortions, and 7.1% had three or more previous abortions. Among the 30 reporting areas  that provided data for the relevant years of comparison (2002 versus 2006, 2007 versus 2011, and 2010 versus 2011), the percentage of women who had one to two previous abortions was stable, although there was a decrease among women who had zero previous abortions and an increase among women who had three or more previous abortions. Among the areas included in this comparison, 57.8%, 36.0%, and 6.2% of women had zero, one to two, or three or more previous abortions, respectively, in 2002; by contrast, 57.0%, 35.9%, and 7.2% of women had zero, one to two, or three or more previous abortions, respectively, in 2011.
* In certain reporting areas, abortions that were categorized by maternal race and race/ethnicity were further categorized by maternal age and by marital status. A consistent pattern existed for abortions by age across all race/ethnicity groups, with the smallest percentage of abortions occurring among adolescents aged &lt;15 years (0.3%–0.6%) and the largest percentage occurring among women aged 20–24 years (27.0%–33.5%). A consistent pattern also existed for abortions by marital status across all race/ethnicity groups, with a higher percentage of abortions occurring among women who were unmarried (67.8%–92.2%) than among those who were married (7.8%–32.2%). However, for abortions among unmarried women, the percentage was higher for non-Hispanic black women (92.2%) than for non-Hispanic white (84.0%) or Hispanic women (82.6%).
* In certain reporting areas, abortions that were categorized by weeks of gestation were further categorized by maternal age, race, and race/ethnicity. In every subgroup for these three variables, the largest percentage of abortions was obtained at ≤8 weeks' gestation. However, by age, 43.9% of adolescents &lt;15 years and 54.7% of adolescents 15–19 years obtained an abortion by ≤8 weeks' gestation, compared with 62.4%–71.5% of women in older age groups. Conversely, 21.7% of adolescents aged &lt;15 years and 12.4% of adolescents 15–19 years obtained an abortion after 13 weeks' gestation, compared with 7.1%–9.0% for women in older age groups. By race/ethnicity, 58.3% of non-Hispanic black women obtained an abortion at ≤8 weeks' gestation, compared with 66.9%–71.1% of women from other racial/ethnic groups. Non-Hispanic black women obtained the highest percentage of abortions after 13 weeks' gestation, but differences across racial/ethnic groups were less apparent than differences across age groups. &lt;br&gt; Among abortions categorized by method type and gestational age, curettage accounted for the largest percentage of abortions within every gestational age category. At ≤8 weeks' gestation, curettage accounted for a smaller percentage of abortions (71.2%) than at any other stage of gestation. At 9–17 weeks' gestation, curettage accounted for 97.0%–98.8% of all abortions and then decreased to 95.3% of abortions between 18–20 weeks' gestation and 87.4% of abortions at ≥21 weeks' gestation. By contrast, at ≤8 weeks' gestation, early medical abortion accounted for 28.5% of abortions, but at all subsequent points in gestation the use of medications to induce abortions through nonsurgical methods accounted for only 0.6%–5.3% of reported abortions. Throughout gestation, intrauterine instillations and abortions reported in the other methods category accounted for a small percentage (&lt;0.01%–6.5%) of abortions.
* Using national data from the Pregnancy Mortality Surveillance System (38), CDC identified 10 abortion-related deaths for 2010. These deaths were identified either by some indication of abortion on the death certificate, by reports from a health-care provider or public health agency, or from a media report. Investigation of these cases indicated that all 10 deaths were related to legal abortion and none to illegal abortion. &lt;br&gt; The annual number of deaths related to legal induced abortions has fluctuated from year to year over the past 38 years. For example, 10 legal induced abortion-related deaths occurred in 1994, four deaths in 1995, and nine deaths in 1996. Because of this variability and the relatively small number of legal induced abortion-related deaths every year, national legal abortion case-fatality rates were calculated for consecutive 5-year periods during 1973–2002 and an 8-year period during 2003–2010. The national legal induced abortion case-fatality rate for 2003–2010 was 0.70 legal induced abortion-related deaths per 100,000 reported legal abortions. This case fatality rate was similar to the rate for most of the preceding 5-year periods but lower than the case-fatality rate of 2.09 legal induced abortion-related deaths per 100,000 reported legal abortions for the 5-year period (1973–1977) immediately following nationwide legalization of abortion in 1973. Possible abortion-related deaths that occurred during 2011–2014 are under investigation.
* For 2011, a total of 730,322 abortions were reported to CDC. Of these abortions, 98.3% were from 46 reporting areas that submitted data every year during 2002–2011, thus providing the information necessary for evaluating trends. These 46 areas had an abortion rate of 13.9 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years and an abortion ratio of 219 abortions per 1,000 live births. Compared with 2010, this represents a 5% decrease in the total number (from 753,065) and rate (from 14.6 abortions per 1,000 women) of reported abortions and a 4% decrease in the abortion ratio (from 228 abortions per 1,000 births). Because of the size of these decreases, combined with decreases from the previous 2 years (15,16), all three measures of abortion reached their lowest level for the entire period of analysis (2002–2011). &lt;br&gt; In addition to highlighting changes that occurred among all women of reproductive age, this report underscores important age differences in abortion trends. During 2002–2011, women in their 20s consistently accounted for the majority of abortions (56%–58%) and therefore have contributed substantially to overall changes in abortion rates. Conversely, women aged ≥40 years consistently have accounted for a small percentage of abortions (≤3.6% during 2002–2011) and have had a much smaller contribution to overall abortion trends. Nonetheless, among women aged ≥40 years, abortion rates have shown a small yet persistent increase and the abortion ratio for this age group remains high. Together with the continuing small proportion of abortions performed later in gestation among these women, which potentially might be completed for maternal medical indications or fetal anomalies, these patterns suggest that unintended pregnancy is a problem that women encounter throughout their reproductive years.
* The adolescent abortion trends described in this report are important for monitoring progress that has been made toward reducing adolescent pregnancies in the United States. During 1990–2009, the pregnancy rate for adolescents aged 15–19 years decreased 44% to an historic low (39). This decrease was associated with substantial decreases in both the rate of live births (58%) and abortions (60%) among adolescents. More recent data indicate that the birth rate for adolescents aged 15–19 years decreased by a further 22% from 2010 to 2013 (40–43). The 10% decrease from 2010 to 2011 in the adolescent abortion rate suggests that adolescent pregnancies in the United States are continuing to decrease and that this decrease continues to be accompanied by substantial decreases in adolescent abortions and live births.
* The findings in this report on race and ethnicity reflect differences in patterns of obtaining abortions that have been well-documented. Comparatively high abortion rates and ratios among non-Hispanic black women can be attributed to higher unintended pregnancy rates and a higher percentage of unintended pregnancies ending in abortion. Data from certain recent reports suggest that differences in measures of abortion between non-Hispanic black women and women of other races have narrowed. However, this pattern has not been observed in the data reported to CDC for 2011 or in previous years. Higher abortion rates among Hispanic compared with non-Hispanic white women can be attributed to high pregnancy rates among Hispanic women. However, abortion ratios in these two groups have been more comparable: Hispanic women have had a slightly higher percentage of pregnancies that are unintended but are no more likely than non-Hispanic white women to end unintended pregnancies in abortion. Differences between non-Hispanic white and Hispanic women in abortion rates changed little from 2007 to 2011, although the difference in abortion ratios widened, with a decrease for non-Hispanic white women and an increase for Hispanic women.
* The findings in this report indicate women are obtaining abortions earlier in gestation, when the risks for complications are lowest. Among the areas that reported data every year during 2002–2011, the percentage of abortions performed at ≤8 weeks' gestation increased 6%. Moreover, among the areas that reported abortions at ≤13 weeks' gestation by individual week, the distribution continued to shift toward earlier weeks of gestation with the percentage of early abortions performed at ≤6 weeks' gestation increasing 19%. Nonetheless, the overall percentage of abortions performed at ≤13 weeks' gestation changed little during 2002–2011, and findings from this and other reports suggest that delays in obtaining an abortion are more common among certain groups of women. Because of the small but persistent percentage of women who obtain abortions at &gt;13 weeks' gestation, a better understanding is needed of the factors that cause delays in obtaining abortions. &lt;br&gt; The trend of obtaining abortions earlier in pregnancy has been facilitated by changes in abortion practices. Research conducted in the United States during the 1970s indicated that surgical abortion procedures performed at ≤6 weeks' as compared with 7–12 weeks' gestation were less likely to result in successful termination of the pregnancy (56). However, subsequent advances in technology (e.g., improved transvaginal ultrasonography and sensitive pregnancy tests) have allowed very early surgical abortions to be performed with completion rates exceeding 97% (49,57–59). Likewise, the development of medical abortion regimens has allowed for abortions to be performed very early in gestation, with completion rates for regimens that combine mifepristone and misoprostol reaching 96%–98% (60). In 2011, 64.5% of abortions were performed at ≤8 weeks' gestation, and thus the women receiving these abortions were eligible for early medical abortion on the basis of gestational age; 28.5% of these abortions at ≤8 weeks' gestation and 19.1% of all abortions were reported as early medical abortions. Moreover, the use of early medical abortion has continued to rise since FDA approval of mifepristone: from 2002 to 2011, the percentage of all reported abortions accounted for by this method increased approximately 200%, with large increases observed both from 2002 to 2006 and 2007 to 2011. Because the annual increase from 2010 to 2011 was smaller than in previous years, continued surveillance is needed to monitor the use of early medical abortion relative to other abortion methods. 
* The annual number of deaths related to legal induced abortions has fluctuated from year to year over the past 37 years. Because of this variability and the relatively small number of abortion-related deaths every year, national legal abortion case-fatality rates were calculated for consecutive 5-year periods during 1973–2002 and an 8-year period during 2003–2010. The national legal induced abortion case-fatality rate for 2003–2010 was similar to the case fatality rate for most of the preceding 5-year periods, but was much lower than the case fatality year for the period of 1973–1978 that immediately followed nationwide legalization of abortion in 1973.
* [I]n 2011, CDC was unable to identify the reporting area, territory, or country of residence for 12.2% of reported abortions.
* Ongoing surveillance of legal induced abortions is important for several reasons. First, abortion surveillance is needed to guide and evaluate the success of programs aimed at preventing unintended pregnancies. Although pregnancy intentions are difficult to assess, abortion surveillance provides an important measure of pregnancies that are unwanted. Second, routine abortion surveillance is needed to assess trends in clinical practice patterns over time. Information in this report on the number of abortions performed through different methods (e.g., medical or curettage) and at different gestational ages provides the denominator data that are necessary for analyses of the relative safety of abortion practices. Finally, information on the number of pregnancies ending in abortion are needed in conjunction with data on births and fetal losses to more accurately estimate the number of pregnancies in the United States and determine rates for various outcomes (e.g., adolescent pregnancy rates). &lt;br&gt; According to the most recent national estimates, 18% of all pregnancies in the United States end in abortion (39). Multiple factors influence the incidence of abortion including the availability of abortion providers (14,74–76); state regulations, such as mandatory waiting periods, parental involvement laws (78), and legal restrictions on abortion providers; increasing acceptance of nonmarital childbearing (80,81); shifts in the racial/ethnic composition of the U.S. population; and changes in the economy and the resulting impact on fertility preferences and access to health-care services, including contraception (84,85). However, because unintended pregnancy precedes nearly all abortions efforts to reduce the incidence of abortion need to focus on helping women, men, and couples avoid pregnancies that they do not desire.

=== “Roe v. Wade at 40: Most Oppose Overturning Abortion Decision” (January 16, 2013) ===
&lt;small&gt; [https://www.pewforum.org/2013/01/16/roe-v-wade-at-40/ “Roe v. Wade at 40: Most Oppose Overturning Abortion Decision”], ''PEW'', (January 16, 2013) &lt;/small&gt;
* As the 40th anniversary of the Supreme Court’s Roe v. Wade decision approaches, the public remains opposed to completely overturning the historic ruling on abortion. More than six-in-ten (63%) say they would not like to see the court completely overturn the Roe v. Wade decision, which established a woman’s constitutional right to abortion at least in the first three months of pregnancy. Only about three-in-ten (29%) would like to see the ruling overturned. These opinions are little changed from surveys conducted 10 and 20 years ago. &lt;br&gt; Decades after the Supreme Court rendered its decision, on Jan. 22, 1973, most Americans (62%) know that Roe v. Wade dealt with abortion rather than school desegregation or some other issue. But the rest either guess incorrectly (17%) or do not know what the case was about (20%). And there are substantial age differences in awareness: Among those ages 50 to 64, 74% know that Roe v. Wade dealt with abortion, the highest percentage of any age group. Among those younger than 30, just 44% know this. &lt;br&gt; The latest national survey by the Pew Research Center, conducted Jan. 9-13 among 1,502 adults, finds that abortion is viewed as a less important issue than in the past. Currently, 53% say abortion “is not that important compared to other issues,” up from 48% in 2009 and 32% in 2006. The percentage viewing abortion as a “critical issue facing the country” fell from 28% in 2006 to 15% in 2009 and now stands at 18%. &lt;br&gt; However, the public continues to be divided over whether it is morally acceptable to have an abortion. Nearly half (47%) say it is morally wrong to have an abortion, while just 13% find this morally acceptable; 27% say this is not a moral issue and 9% volunteer that it depends on the situation. These opinions have changed little since 2006.
* There continue to be substantial religious and partisan differences over whether to overturn Roe v. Wade, and over the broader question of whether abortion should be legal or illegal in all or most cases. (For more on attitudes toward abortion, see Public Opinion on Abortion slideshow.) &lt;br&gt; White evangelical Protestants are the only major religious group in which a majority (54%) favors completely overturning the Roe v. Wade decision. Large percentages of white mainline Protestants (76%), black Protestants (65%) and white Catholics (63%) say the ruling should not be overturned. Fully 82% of the religiously unaffiliated oppose overturning Roe v. Wade. &lt;br&gt; Half of Americans who attend religious services at least weekly favor completely overturning the Roe v. Wade decision, compared with just 17% of those who attend less often. &lt;br&gt; Republicans are evenly divided over whether the ruling should be overturned: 46% say it should, while 48% say it should not. By wide margins, Democrats (74% to 20%) and independents (64% to 28%) oppose overturning Roe v. Wade. &lt;br&gt; There is no gender gap in opinions about Roe v. Wade: Nearly identical percentages of women (64%) and men (63%) oppose reversing the decision.
* Slightly more than half of adults (53%) say that abortion is not that important compared with other issues. About a quarter (27%) say abortion is one among many important issues facing the country, while 18% view abortion as a critical issue. &lt;br&gt; Those who would like to see Roe v. Wade overturned are particularly inclined to view abortion as a critical issue facing the country. Nearly four-in-ten (38%) of those who support overturning the abortion ruling say abortion is a critical issue, compared with just 9% of those who oppose overturning Roe v. Wade. Among those who favor retaining Roe, 68% say abortion is not that important compared with other issues. &lt;br&gt; Nearly three-in-ten white evangelical Protestants (29%) view the issue of abortion as critical, compared with just 13% of white mainline Protestants and white Catholics. Majorities of white mainline Protestants (61%) and white Catholics (59%) say abortion is not that important compared with other issues. An even higher percentage of religiously unaffiliated Americans (71%) say abortion is relatively unimportant.
* Nearly half of Americans (47%) say they personally believe that it is morally wrong to have an abortion, compared with 27% who say it is not a moral issue, 13% who find it morally acceptable and 9% who volunteer that it depends. These opinions have changed only modestly in recent years. &lt;br&gt; There are deep differences among religious groups, as well as a wide partisan gap, in opinions about the moral acceptability of having an abortion. &lt;br&gt; Most white evangelical Protestants (73%), as well as 55% of white Catholics and 53% of black Protestants, say it is morally wrong to have an abortion. That compares with 36% of white mainline Protestants and just 20% of the religiously unaffiliated. &lt;br&gt; A majority of Republicans (63%) view having an abortion as morally wrong, compared with 45% of independents and 39% of Democrats. &lt;br&gt; Relatively small percentages of people in all religious, partisan and demographic groups say it is morally acceptable to have an abortion. However, nearly half of Democrats say either that having an abortion is morally acceptable (17%) or that it is not a moral issue (31%). Among independents, roughly four-in-ten say it is either morally acceptable (12%) or that abortion is not a moral issue (30%). &lt;br&gt; Those who favor overturning Roe v. Wade overwhelmingly say it is morally wrong to have an abortion; fully 85% express this view. Opinions about the morality of abortion are more divided among those who oppose overturning Roe. Nearly four-in-ten (38%) say abortion is not a moral issue, while 29% say having an abortion is morally wrong; just 17% of those who favor retaining Roe view abortion as morally acceptable. &lt;br&gt; Overall, nearly one-in-five Americans (18%) say they personally believe that abortion is morally unacceptable, yet also oppose the Supreme Court overturning its Roe v. Wade ruling.
* The survey finds that 41% say that the Democratic Party can do a better job of representing their views on abortion; nearly as many (36%) say the Republican Party could do better. &lt;br&gt; Last March, the Democratic Party held a 16-point advantage as better representing people’s views on abortion (47% to 31%). In October 2011, the Democrats led by eight points on this issue (44% to 36%).

=== &quot;Public Opinion on Abortion - Views on abortion, 1995-2019&quot; (August 29, 2019) ===
&lt;small&gt; &quot;Public Opinion on Abortion - Views on abortion, 1995-2019&quot;. Pew Research Center. August 29, 2019. [https://web.archive.org/web/20190919172116/https:/www.pewforum.org/fact-sheet/public-opinion-on-abortion/ Archived] from the original on September 19, 2019. Retrieved January 5, 2020. &lt;/small&gt;
* As of 2019, public support for legal abortion remains as high as it has been in two decades of polling. Currently, 61% say abortion should be legal in all or most cases, while 38% say it should be illegal in all or most cases. &lt;br&gt; Though abortion is a divisive issue, more than half of U.S. adults take a non-absolutist position, saying that in most – but not all – cases, abortion should be legal (34%) or illegal (26%). Fewer take the position that in all cases abortion should be either legal (27%) or illegal (12%).
* About three-quarters of white evangelical Protestants (77%) think abortion should be illegal in all or most cases. &lt;br&gt; By contrast, 83% of religiously unaffiliated Americans say abortion should be legal in all or most cases, as do nearly two-thirds of black Protestants (64%), six-in-ten white mainline Protestants (60%) and a slim majority of Catholics (56%).
* Men and women express similar views on abortion; 60% of women say it should be legal in all or most cases, as do 61% of men.
* Among adults under age 30, 70% say abortion should be legal in all or most cases, as do nearly two-thirds of adults in their 30s and 40s (64%). More than half of those in their 50s and early 60s (54%) and those ages 65 and older (55%) say the same.
* Seven-in-ten college graduates (70%) say abortion should be legal in all or most cases, as do 60% of those with some college education. A slim majority of those with a high school degree or less education share this opinion: 54% say abortion should be legal in all or most cases, while 44% say it should be illegal in all or most cases.

=== &quot;Judge lets Mississippi's only abortion clinic stay open -- for now&quot;  (July 11, 2012) ===
&lt;small&gt; Phillips, Rich. [https://www.cnn.com/2012/07/11/us/mississippi-abortion-clinic-hearing/index.html &quot;Judge lets Mississippi's only abortion clinic stay open -- for now&quot;]. CNN. (July 11, 2012) &lt;/small&gt;
* The law took effect July 1 and requires all abortion providers in Mississippi to be certified obstetrician/gynecologists with privileges at local hospitals. Doctors at Jackson Women’s Health Organization, the only abortion provider in the state, come in from other states, and only one of its doctors is authorized to practice at a nearby hospital.  &lt;br&gt; Supporters of the new law say it is intended to protect women from unscrupulous practitioners, but others say it’s part of a move to outlaw abortions in the state. Even Republican Gov. Phil Bryant called it “the first step in a movement, I believe, to do what we campaigned on: to say that we’re going to try to end abortion in Mississippi.” 
* Since the law went into effect, the Jackson Women’s Health Organization has remained open under Jordan’s temporary order blocking enforcement of the law. The clinic is trying to comply with the law, according to owner Diane Derzis, but it has been hampered by red tape and the cumbersome application process to obtain hospital privileges.  &lt;br&gt; Derzis said the clinic has applied for privileges at seven hospitals within a 30-mile radius. One, a Catholic hospital, has already told the clinic “not to bother,” she said. 
* The clinic is seeking a permanent injunction allowing it to stay open while it fights the law, which Derzis and other opponents say violates Roe v. Wade, the 1973 Supreme Court decision that struck down many state laws that restricted abortions.  &lt;br&gt; “It’s unconstitutional, frankly,” said Amelia McGowan, a staff attorney with the American Civil Liberties Union, which is against the new law. 
* Officials at the clinic, which has been in operation for eight years, say they would have to choose between being shut down or risking civil and criminal penalties by continuing operations during an appeals process.  &lt;br&gt; “We’ve been able to be with women at a time in their lives where they are in crisis, when they need to have something done and need that support,” Derzis said. “That’s why it has to be available. It has to be.” 
* Some backers of the bill say it is not an attempt to end abortion in Mississippi, but simply a way to protect women’s health by ensuring physicians carry out abortions and follow the patients to a local hospital afterward.  &lt;br&gt; “The governor has made it clear that he signed the legislation for the health and safety of women,” said Steven Aden, a consulting attorney to the state. “So while he is pro-life, he also said that this is a health and safety provision. I don’t see why that’s hard to understand.”  &lt;br&gt; Despite some past minor citations, the Jackson Women’s Health Organization has a very good record with the Mississippi Department of Health, an official there told CNN. 
* Mississippi is one of the toughest states for the abortion-rights movement. Its laws require a 24-hour waiting period and parental consent if the patient seeking an abortion is a minor. Seven other states require abortion providers to have hospital privileges, but no other state requires that an abortion provider be an OB/GYN, according to the Guttmacher Institute in Washington, a sexual and reproductive health organization.  &lt;br&gt; “All of that is wrapped in that cloak of conservative religion,” said W. Martin Wiseman, director of the Stennis Institute of Government at Mississippi State University.  &lt;br&gt; “When you are in this state, you cannot separate an issue from religion,” Wiseman said. “The normal rationale used in other states doesn’t fly here. You’ll find very few legislators – regardless of whether they are white, black, Democrat or Republican – who will say ‘I’m pro-abortion.” 
* Derzis said she believes that the real intent of the newly elected Republican majority was to end abortion in the state, not to improve women’s health care.  &lt;br&gt; “I love that it’s white old men making those statements,” she said. “This is not about safety. This is about politics, and politics do not need to be in our uterus.” 

=== &quot;Abortion safer than giving birth: study&quot; (January 23, 2021) ===
&lt;small&gt; Pittman, Genevra (January 23, 2012). [https://www.reuters.com/article/us-abortion-idUSTRE80M2BS20120123 &quot;Abortion safer than giving birth: study&quot;]. Reuters. &lt;/small&gt;
* Researchers found that women were about 14 times more likely to die during or after giving birth to a live baby than to die from complications of an abortion. &lt;br&gt; Experts say the findings, though not unexpected, contradict some state laws that suggest abortions are high-risk procedures. &lt;br&gt; The message is that getting an abortion and giving birth are both safe, said Dr. Anne Davis, who studies obstetrics and gynecology at the Columbia University Medical Center in New York, and wasn’t involved in the new study. &lt;br&gt; “We wouldn’t tell people, ‘Don’t have a baby because it’s safer to have an abortion’ -- that’s ridiculous,” she told Reuters Health. “We’re trying to help women who are having all reproductive experiences know what to expect.”
* An induced abortion -- like any other medical procedure -- requires getting informed [[consent]] from the woman, said Dr. Bryna Harwood, an obgyn from the University of Illinois in Chicago who also didn’t participate in the new research.
* What makes it complicated, Harwood added, is when the law interferes and requires doctors to state information that isn’t always balanced or medically sound -- usually exaggerating the risk of abortion. &lt;br&gt; The researchers on the new study combined government data on live births and pregnancy- and abortion-related deaths with estimates on legal abortions performed in the U.S. from the Guttmacher Institute, which conducts sexual and reproductive health research and education.
* Dr. Elizabeth Raymond from Gynuity Health Projects in New York City and Dr. David Grimes of the University of North Carolina School of Medicine, Chapel Hill, found that between 1998 and 2005, one woman died during childbirth for every 11,000 or so babies born. &lt;br&gt; That compared to one woman of every 167,000 who died from a legal abortion. &lt;br&gt; The researchers also cited a study from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention which found that, from 1998 to 2001, the most common complications associated with pregnancy -- including high blood pressure, urinary tract infections and mental health conditions -- happened more often in women who had a live birth than those who got an abortion.
* In their report, published in the journal Obstetrics &amp; Gynecology, Raymond and Grimes write that the findings aren’t surprising given that women are pregnant for a lot longer when they decide to have a baby and so have more time to develop complications. &lt;br&gt; Harwood said previous studies have also shown the safety of legal abortions. &lt;br&gt; Most abortions have typically been done surgically, she told Reuters Health. But since the abortion drug mifepristone was approved for use in the United States in 2000, the number of medically-induced abortions has been on the rise. &lt;br&gt; Both methods are now considered equally safe, she said, with the main risk -- though very small -- coming from medication- and procedure-related infections.
* Depending on the state, however, doctors legally must go over the risks of abortion in language that may be misleading, researchers said, with skewed lists of possible complications. Others require a 24-hour waiting period in between the counseling and the abortion itself. &lt;br&gt; Harwood said that laws regarding what’s said between the doctor and a woman seeking an abortion often hamper doctors’ attempts to inform patients in a balanced way. &lt;br&gt; “It is certainly an impediment to have the state dictate my informed consent process beyond the usual,” Harwood told Reuters Health. &lt;br&gt; “Abortion care and pregnancy care should not really be any different than consenting people for any other procedure.”
* Davis agreed that state-mandated discussions have no place in abortion counseling. She said she was glad to see the new report, which helps dispel “misinformation” and “lies” about abortion risks included in some state laws -- such as the idea that abortion is linked to cancer. &lt;br&gt; “Women who are having abortions are having a safe, common surgical procedure or taking medication for the same reason,” she told Reuters Health &lt;br&gt; “They should feel confident that the medical care they’re having is safe, long-term and short-term.”

=== &quot;Andrew Cuomo Signs Abortion Bill Into Law, Codifying Roe v. Wade&quot; (January 23, 2019) ===
&lt;small&gt; Russo, Amy (January 23, 2019). [https://www.huffpost.com/entry/andrew-cuomo-abortion-bill_n_5c480bebe4b0b66936751a47 &quot;Andrew Cuomo Signs Abortion Bill Into Law, Codifying Roe v. Wade&quot;]. Huffington Post. &lt;/small&gt;
* In a press release, Cuomo emphasized that concern as a sign of the legislation’s importance. &lt;br&gt; “Today we are taking a giant step forward in the hard-fought battle to ensure a woman’s right to make her own decisions about her own personal health, including the ability to access an abortion,” Cuomo said. “With the signing of this bill, we are sending a clear message that whatever happens in Washington, women in New York will always have the fundamental right to control their own body.” &lt;br&gt; Aside from keeping abortions available, the law removes the procedure from the state’s criminal code, which had previously made it illegal after 24 weeks of pregnancy unless the mother’s life was in jeopardy. &lt;br&gt; Now, that option is allowed after that point if the mother’s life or health is at stake or if her fetus is not viable.*Senate Majority Leader Andrea Stewart-Cousins praised the move as an indication of progress for women. &lt;br&gt; “New York once led the way on choice and women’s rights,” Stewart-Cousins said. “Unfortunately for years, barriers to women’s rights were put up, and our state has fallen behind. Today, we are tearing those barriers down and we are now leading the way again.”
* In a Facebook post Tuesday, New York State Right to Life slammed RHA as “an extreme bill” while vowing to fight to “protect children and their mothers, protect the rights of pro-life persons to engage in life-saving activities and express their views, and to build a culture of Life in New York.”

=== &quot;Abortion after the First Trimester in the United States&quot; ===
&lt;small&gt; [https://www.plannedparenthood.org/files/5113/9611/5527/Abortion_After_first_trimester.pdf &quot;Abortion after the First Trimester in the United States&quot;] (PDF). Planned Parenthood. February 2014. &lt;/small&gt;
*Since the legalization of abortion throughout the United States in 1973, abortion services have become more widely accessible, and knowledge about them has grown. As a result, the overwhelming majority of abortions are performed in the first trimester of pregnancy. For a number of reasons, however, abortion after the first trimester remains a necessary option for women. &lt;br&gt; Unfortunately, opponents of sage and legal abortion seek to limit access through, among other means, laws imposing a fixed date for viability and bans that would outlaw safe, medically appropriate abortions in the second trimester. Their goal is to make all abortions illegal. &lt;br&gt; In fact, the same anti-women’s health activists who would limit access to abortion after the first trimester also oppose access to abortion “in the first trimester” by advancing numerous restrictions, including parental involvement laws and mandatory waiting period laws. Also, by asserting their bias at a local level through picketing doctors’ homes and offices, health center blockades, threats of violence against doctors, and the misapplication of zoning laws, etc., these activists create sucha  threatening climate that the number of qualified providers is diminished. Thee actions endanger the health of women and the right of physicians the determine the most appropriate treatment for their patients. 
** p.1

* The Number of Abortions After the First Trimester Is Relatively Small &lt;br&gt; In 2011, an estimated 1.1 million abortions were performed, a 13 percent decline from 2008. The abortion rate in 2011 was the lowest rate since 1973 (Jones and Herman, 2014) The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) estimates that 66 percent of legal abortions occur within the first eight weeks of gestation, and 92 percent are performed within the first 13 weeks. Only 1.2 percent occur at or after 21 weeks (CDC, 2013). &lt;br&gt; Since the nationwide legalization of abortion in 1973, the proportion of abortions performed after the first trimester has decreased because of increased access to and knowledge about safe, legal abortion (Gold, 2003). &lt;br&gt; The number of abortions after the first trimester might be even smaller if women had greater access to safe and legal abortion. Most women who’ve had an abortion say they woud have preferred to have it earlier, but financial limitations and/or lack of knowledge about pregnanc caused them to delay (Finer et al. 2006).
** p.1

* VARIOUS FACTORS REQUIRE WOMEN TO HAVE ABORTIONS AFTER THE FIRST TRIMESTER &lt;br&gt; Barriers to Service &lt;br&gt; Geographic- A 2005 survey of U.S. abortion providers found that among women who have non-hospital abortions, approximately 19 percent travel 50 to 100 miles for services, and an additional eight percent travel more than 100 miles (Jones et al., 2008). It follows that having to travel such distances can cause delays in obtaining abortions. &lt;br&gt; Provider shortage - As of 2011, 89 percent of U.S. counties had no known abortion provider; these counties are home to 38 percent of all women of reproductive age. (Jones and Jerman, 2014). Furthermore, in 2008, 97 percent of non-metropolitan counties have no abortion services, and 92 percent of non-metropolitan women live in these unserved counties (Jones and Kooistra, 2011). &lt;br&gt; Financial - - In 2000, the average cost of a first-trimester, in-clinic, non-hospital abortion  with local anesthesia was $372 (Henshaw &amp; Finer, 2003). In 2009 this cost was $451. The median cost of medication abortion, which can be done in the first 63 days of pregnancy, was $490 (Jones and Kooistra, 2011). For low-income and younger women, gathering the necessary funds for the procedure often causes delays. A recent study found that women at or under 100 percent of the federal poverty level were more likely than women at higher income levels to have second0trimester abortions (Jones and finer, 2012). Compounding the problem is the fact that the cost of abortion rises with gestational age: in 2009, non-hospital facilities charged an average of $1500 for abortion at 20 weeks (Jones and Kooistra, 2011). Most women are forced to pay for abortion out-of-pocket. In 2008, only 20 percent of abortions were paid by Medicaid and another 12 percent were billed directly to private insurance (Jones et al, 2010). For some women, the cost of abortion can pose significant barriers to access. Thirty-six percent of women having abortions in the second trimester reported that they needed time to raise money to have the abortion. In addition, 18 percent of women having abortions in the second trimester reported that worried about the cost of the procedure caused them to take more time to make their decision (Finer, et al., 2006). 
** pp.1-2

* Legal restrictions-Causing additional delays are state laws that mandate parental consent, notification, or court-authorized bypass for minors, and laws and impose required waiting periods For example, after Mississippi passed  a parental consent requirement, the ratio of minors to adults obtaining abortions after 12 weeks increased by 19 percent (Henshaw, 1995).
** p.2

* Medical indications affecting the pregnancy may also lead to abortion after 12 weeks. &lt;br&gt; In a survey of U.S. women deciding to end their pregnancies, significantly more women in their second trimester cited fetal health concerns than women in their first trimester.  The fetal health concerns they cited included the risk  of  fetal anomaly due to advanced maternal age, a history of miscarriage, a lack of prenatal care, and fetal exposure to prescription medications and non-prescription substances (Finer et al., 2005) &lt;br&gt; Conditions in which the woman’s health is threatened or aggravated by continuing her pregnancy include: &lt;br&gt; certain types of infections; &lt;br&gt; heart failure; &lt;br&gt; malignant hypertension, including preeclampsia; &lt;br&gt; out-of-control diabetes; &lt;br&gt;  serious renal disease; &lt;br&gt; severe depression; and &lt;br&gt; suicidal tendencies. &lt;br&gt; These symptoms may not occur until the second trimester, or they may become worse as the pregnancy progresses (Cherry &amp; Merkatz, 1991; Paul et al., 2009).
** p.2

* Adolescents are more likely than older women to obtain abortions later in pregnancy (Jones and Finer, 2012). &lt;br&gt; Among women under age 15, one in five abortions is performed after 13 weeks’ gestation. Twelve percent of teens aged 15 to 19 obtained an abortion after 13 weeks’ gestation (CDC, 2013). &lt;br&gt; The very youngest women  - those under age 15 - are more likely than others to obtain abortions at 21 or more weeks’ gestation (CDC, 2013). &lt;br&gt; Common reasons why adolescents delay abortion until after the first trimester include fear of parents’ reaction, denial of pregnancy, and prolonged fantasies that having a baby will result in a stable relationship with their partners (Paul et al., 2009). In addition, adolescents may have irregular periods (Friedman et al.,1998), making it difficult for them to detect pregnancy. One study found that teens took a week longer to suspect pregnancy than adults did; teens also took more time to confirm their pregnancies with a  pregnancy test (Finer et al,, 2006). Also, as previously noted, delays are often caused by state laws requiring parental consent or court-authorized bypass for minors. 
** pp.2-3

* Abortion After the First Trimester Is as Safe as/or Safer than Carrying a Pregnancy to Term &lt;br&gt; Overall, abortion has a low morbidity rate. Less than 0.3 percent of women undergoing legal abortion procedures at all gestational ages sustain a serious complication requiring hospitalization (Boonstra et al, 2006; Henshaw, 1999). The rate of complication increases 38 percent for each additional week of gestation beyond eight weeks (Paul et al, 2009). &lt;br&gt; The risk of death from medication abortion through 63 days’ gestation is about one per 100,000 procedures (Grimes, 2005). The risk of death with a surgical abortion is about one per one million through 63 days’ gestation (Bartlett et al., 2004) The risk of death from miscarriage is about one per 100,000 (Saraiya et al., 1999). But the risk of death associated with childbirth is about 14 times as high as that associated with abortion (Raymond &amp; Grimes, 2012). &lt;br&gt; The risk of death associated with surgical abortion icreases with thelength of pregnancy, from one death for every one million abortions at eight or fewer weeks to 8.9 deaths for every one million abortions after 20 weeks’ gestation (Boonstra et al., 2006). In comparison, the maternal mortality rate in the U.S. in 2007 was 12. Deaths per 100,000 live births - a significant difference in maternal mortality rates between deciding to end a pregnancy by abortion or carrying it to term (Paul et al., 2009; XXu et al., 2010). 
** p.3

* CURRENT LAW GUARANTEES WOMEN THE RIGHT TO ABORTION AFTER THE FIRST TRIMESTER &lt;br&gt; Legality of Abortion  &lt;br&gt; In “Roe v. Wade’’ (410 U.S. 113 (1973)), the U.S. Supreme Court held that the U.S. Constitution protects a woman’s personal decision to end a pregnancy. Only after viability (being capable of sustained survival outside the woman’s body with or without artificial aid)  may the states ban abortion altogether.  Abortions necessary to preserve the woman’s life or health must still be allowed, however, even after viability. &lt;br&gt; Prior to viability, states can regulate abortion, but only if the regulation does not impose a “substantial obstacle” in the path of a woman deciding to have an abortion (Harrison &amp; Gilbert, 1993). 
** p.3

* In “Planned Parenthood of Central Missouri v. Danforth’’ (428 U.S. 52 (1976)), the U.S. Supreme Court recognized that judgments of viability are inexact and may vary with each pregnancy. As a result, it granted the attending physician the r ight to ascertain viability on an individual basis.  IN addition, the court rejected as unconstitutional fixed gestational limits for determining viability. The court reaffirmed these rulings in the 1979 case “Colautti v. Franklin” (439 U.S. 379 (1979)).
** p.3

* In “City of Akron v. Akron Center for Reproductive Health (462 U.S. 416 (1983)), the U.S, Supreme Court invalidated a costly requirement that all second-trimester abortions take place in a  hospital. 
** p.3

* In “Thornburgh v. American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists” (476 U.S. 747 (1986)), the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that a woman may not be required to risk her health to save a pregnancy even after viability, and it granted the attending physician the right to determine when a pregnancy threatens a woman’s life or health.  The court also ruled that when performing a post-viability abortion, a physician must be permitted to use the method most likely to preserve the woman’s health. &lt;br&gt; On April 18, 2007, in ‘’Gonzales v. Carhart’’ (550 U.S. 124 (2007, April 18) and ‘’Gonzales v. Planned Parenthood Federation of America, Inc.’’ (550 U.S. ___ (2007, April 18)), the U.S. Supreme Court ignored 30 years of precedent that held women’s health must be the paramount concern in laws that restrict abortion access, and in a 5-4 decision, upheld the so-called Partial-Birth Abortion Ban Act of 2003 (the “federal abortion ban”) * the first federal legislation to criminalize abortion. &lt;br&gt; The federal abortion ban, which does not contain an exception for the woman’s health, makes it a federal crime to take certain steps when performing an abortion after the first trimester. The ruling allows Congress to ban certain second-trimester abortion procedures, despite the fact that doctors and major medical organizations, including the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, believe the banned procedures are sometimes the safest and best to protect women’s health. &lt;br&gt; The recent “Carhart” and “Planned Parenthood Federation of America, Inc.’’ rulings may make it easier for states, as well as the federal government, to further limit a woman’s ability to end a pregnancy, especially after the first trimester. This shift will likely spur state efforts to enact new abortion restrictions.  Indeed, opponents of women’s health continue to work tirelessly to chip away at or limit access for women. The Guttmacher Institute released a report showing that 70 provisions were passed in 22 states in 2013 to restrict access to abortion. More state abortion restrictions were enacted in 2011-2013 than in the entire previous decade (Guttmacher  Institute, 2014a). 
** pp.3-4

* Despite the federal abortion ban taking effect, Planned Parenthood will continue to provide high-quality care, including second-trimester abortions services, to our clients. Planned Parenthood will also continue to support vital efforts to protect access to safe and legal abortions services at the state and federal levels. &lt;br&gt; Currently, seven states - California, Connecticut, Hawaii, Maine, Maryland, Nevada, and Washington - have passed Freedom of Choice Acts (FOCA), and other states are seeking to pass similar legislation (Guttmacher Institute, 2014b). Although state-level FOCAs have no impact on the federal abortion ban, such laws prohibit the state government from interfering with the decision to continue or end a pregnancy.
** p.4

=== &quot;Abortion in American History&quot; (May 1997) ===
&lt;small&gt; Katha Pollitt, [https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/1997/05/abortion-in-american-history/376851/ &quot;Abortion in American History&quot;], ''Atlantic Magazine''. (May 1997). &lt;/small&gt;
* Of all the issues roiling the ongoing culture wars, abortion is both the most intimate and the most common. Almost half of American women have terminated at least one pregnancy, and millions more Americans of both sexes have helped them, as partners, parents, health-care workers, counselors, friends. Collectively, it would seem, Americans have quite a bit of knowledge and experience of abortion. Yet the debate over legal abortion is curiously abstract: we might be discussing brain transplants. My files are crammed with articles assessing the question of when human life begins, the personhood of the fetus and its putative moral and legal status, and acceptable versus deplorable motives for terminating a pregnancy and the philosophical groundings of each one—not to mention the interests of the state, the medical profession, assorted religions, the taxpayer, the infertile, the fetal father, and even the fetal grandparent. Farfetched analogies abound: abortion is like the Holocaust, or slavery; denial of abortion is like forcing a person to spend nine months intravenously hooked up to a medically endangered stranger who happens to be a famous violinist. It sometimes seems that the further abortion is removed from the actual lives and circumstances of real girls and women, the more interesting it becomes to talk about. The famous-violinist scenario, the invention of the philosopher Judith Jarvis Thomson, has probably inspired as much commentary as any philosophical metaphor since Plato's cave.
* In When Abortion Was a Crime, Leslie J. Reagan demonstrates that abortion has been a common procedure—&quot;part of life&quot;—in America since the eighteenth century, both during the slightly more than half of our history as a nation when it has been legal and during the slightly less than half when it was not. 
* Until the last third of the nineteenth century, when it was criminalized state by state across the land, abortion was legal before &quot;quickening&quot; (approximately the fourth month of pregnancy). Colonial home medical guides gave recipes for &quot;bringing on the menses&quot; with herbs that could be grown in one's garden or easily found in the woods. By the mid eighteenth century commercial preparations were so widely available that they had inspired their own euphemism (&quot;taking the trade&quot;). Unfortunately, these drugs were often fatal. The first statutes regulating abortion, passed in the 1820s and 1830s, were actually poison-control laws: the sale of commercial abortifacients was banned, but abortion per se was not. The laws made little difference. By the 1840s the abortion business—including the sale of illegal drugs, which were widely advertised in the popular press—was booming. The most famous practitioner, Madame Restell, openly provided abortion services for thirty-five years, with offices in New York, Boston, and Philadelphia and traveling salespeople touting her &quot;Female Monthly Pills.&quot;
* In one of the many curious twists that mark the history of abortion, the campaign to criminalize it was waged by the same professional group that, a century later, would play an important role in legalization: physicians. The American Medical Association's crusade against abortion was partly a professional move, to establish the supremacy of &quot;regular&quot; physicians over midwives and homeopaths. More broadly, anti-abortion sentiment was connected to nativism, anti-Catholicism, and, as it is today, anti-feminism. Immigration, especially by Catholics and nonwhites, was increasing, while birth rates among white native-born Protestants were declining. (Unlike the typical abortion patient of today, that of the nineteenth century was a middle- or upper-class white married woman.) Would the West &quot;be filled by our own children or by those of aliens?&quot; the physician and anti-abortion leader Horatio R. Storer asked in 1868. &quot;This is a question our women must answer; upon their loins depends the future destiny of the nation.&quot; (It should be mentioned that the nineteenth-century women's movement also opposed abortion, having pinned its hopes on &quot;voluntary motherhood&quot;—the right of wives to control the frequency and timing of sex with their husbands.) &lt;br&gt; Nonetheless, having achieved their legal goal, many doctors—including prominent members of the AMA—went right on providing abortions. Some late-nineteenth-century observers estimated that two million were performed annually (which would mean that in Victorian America the number of abortions per capita was seven or eight times as high as it is today). Reagan argues persuasively that our image of nineteenth-century medicine is too monolithically hierarchical: while medical journals inveighed against abortion (and contraception), women were often able to make doctors listen to their needs and even lower their fees. And because, in the era before the widespread use of hospitals, women chose the doctors who would attend their whole families through many lucrative illnesses, medical men had self-interest as well as compassion for a motive. Thus in an 1888 exposé undercover reporters for the Chicago Times obtained an abortion referral from no less a personage than the head of the Chicago Medical Society. (He claimed he was conducting his own investigation.) Unless a woman died, doctors were rarely arrested and even more rarely convicted. Even midwives—whom doctors continued to try to drive out of business by portraying them, unfairly, as dangerous abortion quacks—practiced largely unmolested.
* Reagan's discussion of &quot;dying declarations&quot; makes particularly chilling reading: because the words of the dying are legally admissible in court, women on their deathbeds were informed by police or doctors of their imminent demise and harassed until they admitted to their abortions and named the people connected with them—including, if the woman was unwed, the man responsible for the pregnancy, who could be arrested and even sent to prison. In 1902 the editors of the Journal of the American Medical Association endorsed the by then common policy of denying a woman suffering from abortion complications medical care until she &quot;confessed&quot;—a practice that, Reagan shows, kept women from seeking timely treatment, sometimes with fatal results. In the late 1920s some 15,000 women a year died from abortions. 
* Unsurprisingly, the Depression, during which women stood to lose their jobs if they married or had a child, saw a big surge in the abortion rate. Reagan describes clinics complete with doctors, nurses, receptionists, and printed instructions detailing follow-up care, and &quot;birth-control clubs,&quot; whose members would pay regularly into a collective fund and draw abortion fees from it as needed. It was only in the 1940s and 1950s that organized medicine and the law combined to force these long-standing operations out of business and to disrupt the networks of communication by which women had found their way to them. Our popular image of illegal abortion as hard to find, extremely dangerous, sordid, and expensive dates from this period, as do the notorious &quot;abortion wards&quot; filled with women suffering from botched operations and attempts at self-abortion (always the most dangerous method). Well-connected white women with private health insurance were sometimes able to obtain &quot;therapeutic&quot; abortions, a never-defined category that remained legal throughout the epoch of illegal abortion. But these were rare, and almost never available to nonwhite or poor women. Even for the privileged, though, access to safe abortion narrowed throughout the fifties, as doctors, fearful of being prosecuted in a repressive political climate for interpreting &quot;therapeutic abortion&quot; too broadly, set up hospital committees to rule on abortion requests. Some committees were more compassionate than others: at Mount Sinai, in New York, suicide attempts were considered an appropriate indication; at other hospitals they were ignored. In one instance of particular callousness, when a teenager tried to kill herself after her request was turned down, the committee decided to hospitalize her for the rest of her pregnancy. (She eventually got her abortion, after her multiple suicide attempts proved too disruptive for the staff.)
* The conventional wisdom today considers Roe v. Wade to be an avant-garde decision, &quot;judicial activism&quot; at either its enlightened best or its high-handed worst. Reagan places the decision in its historical context, showing that it was a logical response to the times. By the sixties the whole jerry-built structure of criminalization was crumbling, along with the ideology of gender and sexuality that lay behind it. Moderate reforms had already been tried: twelve states permitted abortion in instances of rape, incest, danger to physical or mental health, or fetal defect, but since most women, as always, sought abortions for economic, social, or personal reasons, illegal abortion continued to thrive (something to consider for those who advocate once again restricting legal abortion in this way). When New York State decriminalized abortion in 1970 and thousands of well-off women started traveling there to obtain safe abortions while their disadvantaged sisters continued to risk death at home, the inherent unfairness of a legal patchwork was thrown into bold relief (something to ponder for those who want to throw the issue &quot;back to the states&quot;). Far from foisting a radical departure on an unready nation, the Supreme Court was responding to a decade-long buildup of popular sentiment for change. The movement was spearheaded by doctors who saw firsthand the carnage created by illegal abortion (more than 5,000 deaths a year, mostly of black and Hispanic women), and whose hands were now firmly tied by the hospital committees they themselves had created. They were joined by civil-liberties lawyers, who brought to their briefs a keen understanding of criminalization's discriminatory effects; and by grassroots activists in the reborn women's movement, who by the end of the 1960s were resisting the law, forming such groups as the Society for Humane Abortion, in California, which denounced restrictions as insulting and humiliating to women, and Jane, in Chicago, which began as an abortion-referral service and ended by training its members to perform abortions themselves.
* Legalizing abortion was a public-health triumph that for pregnant women ranked with the advent of antisepsis and antibiotics. In 1971, the year after decriminalization, the maternal-mortality rate in New York State dropped 45 percent. Today, however, the inequality of access that helped to bring illegality to an end is once again on the increase. More than 80 percent of U.S. counties have no abortion providers, and some whole states have only one or two. The Supreme Court has allowed states to erect barriers to abortion—denial of public funds for poor women's abortions, parental consent and notification requirements, mandatory delays, &quot;counseling sessions.&quot; Anti-abortion zealots have committed arson, assault, and murder in their campaign against abortion clinics. A new generation of doctors, who have never seen a woman die from a septic abortion or been haunted by the suicide of a patient denied help, are increasingly reluctant to terminate pregnancies. Only 12 percent of medical schools teach first-trimester abortion as a routine aspect of gynecology. If Reagan is right to correlate anti-abortion activity with periods of high anxiety about feminism and radicalism generally, none of this should come as a surprise. She closes on an ominous note, sketching the possibility of a United States in which not only is abortion once again a crime but anti-abortion fanaticism brings on a Romania-style fetal-police state, complete with government-monitored pregnancies and police investigations of miscarriages.
* I came away from the book more sanguine. One of Reagan's noteworthy findings, after all, is that the views of the American people about abortion have remained rather stable over two centuries. Attitudes toward early abortions—in the eighteenth and early nineteenth centuries those before quickening, today those in the first trimester—have always been much more permissive and matter-of-fact than attitudes toward later abortions, just as losing a pregnancy after one or two missed periods, however distressing to a woman who wants to bear a child, has always been seen as a smaller event than miscarrying at six months. Little in the American popular tradition resonates with the &quot;pro-life&quot; doctrine that condemns all abortions alike on the grounds that a fertilized egg is already a baby. Far from being a weird judicial concoction, as its opponents argue, Roe v. Wade's trimester system, which gradually extends the right of states to regulate and even ban most abortions as the fetus develops, reflects this folk understanding rather well. Similarly, the general lack of enthusiasm for prosecuting those who perform abortions and the almost total failure to prosecute and jail women for having them suggest that whatever Americans may consider abortion to be, it isn't baby killing, a crime our courts have always punished quite severely.

=== “Why the Medical Establishment Shied Away From Abortion” (Jan. 21, 2022) ===
&lt;small&gt; Eyal Press, [https://www.nytimes.com/2022/01/21/opinion/roe-v-wade-abortion-doctors-violence.html “Why the Medical Establishment Shied Away From Abortion”], ''The New York Times'', (Jan. 21, 2022) &lt;/small&gt;
* Dr. Slepian’s murder was part of a string of sniper attacks targeting abortion providers in their homes. In Buffalo, as elsewhere, the lethal violence was preceded by years of protests and blockades that turned the places where abortions were performed into battlegrounds. At my father’s office, women were routinely screamed at and harassed, to the point that some would come through the doors in tears. There were threatening phone calls and acts of vandalism. On several occasions, protesters invaded the office and once even chained themselves together with bicycle locks. Demonstrators at my father’s office and in front of my parents’ home accused my father of being a “baby killer.” &lt;br&gt; This violence and harassment did not stop every doctor who believed women should have access to abortion from continuing to serve as a provider. In my father’s case, it had the opposite effect, deepening his commitment and resolve. &lt;br&gt; But it did help to isolate abortion from mainstream medicine, in part by dissuading countless physicians from incorporating the procedure into their medical practices, as my father did at his office. Had a critical mass of doctors adopted this approach, the crisis in abortion care that exists today, where many women in the South and the Midwest are forced to travel more than 100 miles to find a clinic, might not have reached such an acute stage. Abortion might have become a more routine part of reproductive health care, with more OB-GYNs seeing it as part of their professional [[responsibility]]. By 2017, just 1 percent of abortions were performed in private offices, owing in part to the fact that doing so carries risks that most physicians, including many who are sympathetic to abortion rights, generally prefer to avoid.
* That individual physicians might [[wish]] to avoid turning themselves — and, potentially, their patients, co-workers and families — into targets of [[wrath]] and [[violence]] is understandable. Less understandable is the failure of the mainstream medical community, and an array of powerful institutions within it, to respond to the hostility and violence directed at clinics and abortion providers by affirming support for them. Hospital officials could have stepped forward to assert that they, too, would help ensure that abortion services remained available, particularly in states and communities where clinics were under siege. Medical school deans could have announced that they would redouble their commitment to providing training in abortion to residents at teaching hospitals. &lt;br&gt; Taking such steps would have demanded [[courage]]. Little such courage was shown. By 2017, the percentage of all abortions done in hospitals had dwindled to 3 percent, and many teaching hospitals impose restrictions on performing abortions that are more stringent than the legal requirements in their states. Although the reasons for this vary, the desire to avoid the stigma associated with abortion, and the [[risk]] of provoking abortion opponents, looms large, according to Lori Freedman, a medical sociologist who has studied the phenomenon. “Some hospital administrators are [[afraid]] the hospital will become targeted by anti-abortion forces for doing procedures at all,” she said. “Some have had such experiences already.”
* As the sociologist Carole Joffe has noted, most of the nation’s leading medical organizations failed to issue any significant guidelines on abortion immediately after Roe was decided. That reticence reflected the conflicted feelings many doctors had about a procedure that some linked to infamous back-alley “butchers,” and that others associated with feminists who were claiming authority over their bodies in ways that made many male doctors uncomfortable. (Notably, although the American Medical Association asserted in a 1970 resolution that the principles of medical ethics “do not prohibit a physician from preforming an abortion,” the document stated that abortion procedures should be determined by the “sound clinical judgment” of medical professionals, not “mere [[acquiescence]] to the patient’s [[demand]].”) Some doctors also believed that abortion was [[morally]] [[wrong]]. &lt;br&gt; In subsequent decades, professional associations such as the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists “danced around the issue” of abortion for fear of [[alienating]] members who might not support abortion [[rights]], said Doug Laube, an abortion provider who served as ACOG’s president from 2006-2007. Though the organization is formally pro-choice, Dr. Laube told me that during his tenure as president he observed that the stigma associated with abortion made ACOG reluctant to “advocate for abortion services as regular, [[normal]] medical care.”
* According to the National Abortion Federation, which tracks such data, the number of death threats and threats of harm reported by abortion providers more than doubled in 2020, compared to the previous year. Reports of vandalism and stalking also rose. &lt;br&gt; Melissa Fowler, the group’s chief program officer, attributed the escalation to the fact that anti-abortion extremists have felt emboldened. She expressed particular alarm about reports of protesters showing up outside clinics, openly carrying guns, menacing and frightening patients and staff. “We wouldn’t tolerate this in any other medical field,” she said. “If people saw it on their way to the [[dentist]], it would be deemed unacceptable.” &lt;br&gt; The [[passivity]] and [[silence]] of the medical establishment, of medical school deans and hospital officials, and of too many (privately) pro-choice physicians, is not the only reason such [[intimidation]] fails to elicit outrage, or even to be noticed, when it happens outside an abortion clinic. But it is definitely part of the reason. Thanks to their acquiescence, [[terrorism]], intimidation and [[violence]] have won.

=== &quot;FDA relaxes guidelines for abortion pill - The Portland Press Herald&quot;  (March 30, 2016) ===
&lt;small&gt; [https://www.pressherald.com/2016/03/30/fda-relaxes-guidelines-for-abortion-pill/ &quot;FDA relaxes guidelines for abortion pill - The Portland Press Herald&quot;]. March 30, 2016. &lt;/small&gt;
* WASHINGTON — New recommendations for the abortion pill announced Wednesday by the Food and Drug Administration could increase use of the medication to terminate a pregnancy in the United States. &lt;br&gt; The new label changes the recommended dosage of the two drugs used in the abortion process. It allows the treatment to be used up to 70 days into pregnancy – three weeks longer than the old guidelines. And it relaxes prescriber guidelines to allow, for example, a nurse practitioner to administer the drugs rather than a physician.
* “The label change for medication abortion will mean that it will once again be a real option for Preterm’s patients and women across the state,” Chrisse France, executive director of Preterm, an abortion provider in Ohio, said in a statement. “We will no longer be forced to practice medicine mandated by politicians whose ultimate goal is to shut us down.” &lt;br&gt; Anti-abortion groups noted that the new label carries over the old label’s warnings of some of the dangers associated with the drug – including the very rare possibility of infection or death. &lt;br&gt; “The new label affirms the deadly realities of chemical abortion and underscores the need for in-person patient examination and follow-up care as well as the fact that the abortion drug regimen presents serious risks to women’s health,” Anna Paprocki, staff attorney for Americans United for Life, said in a statement.
* The FDA said that the manufacturer of Mifeprex, Danco Laboratories, applied for the updated label as part of a “supplemental new drug application” submitted to the agency in late May. The company proposed that the treatment be used to end a pregnancy through the first 70 days of gestation – that’s 70 days from the first day of the woman’s last menstrual period. Under the original labeling, the treatment was to be used through the first 49 days of gestation.
* The agency said that cramping and vaginal bleeding are possible side effects of the treatment, and that in some cases surgery will be needed to stop very heavy vaginal bleeding. Other potential side effects, the FDA said, include headache, diarrhea, dizziness and vomiting.

=== &quot;Supreme Court takes up blockbuster case over Mississippi's 15-week abortion ban&quot; ===
&lt;small&gt; Quinn, Melissa (May 17, 2021).[ https://www.cbsnews.com/news/supreme-court-abortion-rights-case-mississippi/  &quot;Supreme Court takes up blockbuster case over Mississippi's 15-week abortion ban&quot;]. CBS News. Retrieved May 17, 2021. &lt;/small&gt;
* At issue in the case before the justices is a Mississippi law enacted in 2018 that prohibits most abortions after 15 weeks of pregnancy. The state's only abortion clinic, Jackson Women's Health Organization, swiftly filed suit to challenge the law, and the federal district court struck down the ban, finding it unconstitutional. The 5th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals affirmed, citing Supreme Court's abortion precedent. &lt;br&gt; Mississippi's attorney general urged the Supreme Court to hear its appeal, arguing in court filings the case presents it with an opportunity to reconcile its &quot;conflicting statements regarding the test to apply when analyzing the validity of a pre-viability law that protects women's health, the dignity of unborn children, and the integrity of the medical profession and society.&quot; &lt;br&gt; &quot;[T]he viability rule was created outside the ordinary crucible of litigation, failed to take account of the state's accepted interest in maternal health and fetal pain, is increasingly out of step with other areas of the law, rejects science and common sense, and is shaky precedent at best,&quot; the state argued. &quot;The court should revisit it.&quot;
* But the Center for Reproductive Rights, which is representing Jackson Women's Health Organization, argued the court should reject Mississippi's argument, as it is &quot;based on a misunderstanding of the core principle of&quot; the Supreme Court's past decisions. &lt;br&gt; &quot;Roe and Casey, and the Court's subsequent cases, are clear that, before viability, it is for the pregnant person, and not the state, to make the ultimate decision whether to continue a pregnancy,&quot; attorneys for the group told the Supreme Court. &quot;A pre-viability abortion ban unquestionably contravenes this fundamental tenet of the Court's abortion jurisprudence.&quot; &lt;br&gt; Nancy Northup, president and CEO of the Center for Reproductive Rights, said following the Supreme Court's decision to take the case that &quot;alarm bells are ringing loudly about the threat to reproductive rights&quot; and warned a ruling reversing Roe would lead numerous states to outlaw abortion outright. &lt;br&gt; &quot;Already, abortion is nearly impossible to access for people in states like Mississippi, where lawmakers have been chipping away at the right to abortion for decades,&quot; she said. &quot;We will keep fighting to make sure that people do not lose this fundamental right to control their own bodies and futures.&quot;
* But the Susan B. Anthony List, an anti-abortion rights ground, applauded the Supreme Court for agreeing to hear Mississippi's appeal. &lt;br&gt; &quot;This is a landmark opportunity for the Supreme Court to recognize the right of states to protect unborn children from the horrors of painful late-term abortions,&quot; Marjorie Dannenfelser, the group's president, said in a statement, adding that it's &quot;time for the Supreme Court to catch up to scientific reality and the resulting consensus of the American people as expressed in elections and policy.&quot;
* White House press secretary Jen Psaki told reporters that President Biden is committed to codifying Roe regardless of how the Supreme Court rules in the case. &lt;br&gt; &quot;Over the last four years, critical rights like the right to health care, the right to choose have been under withering and extreme attack, including through draconian state laws,&quot; she said. &quot;The president and the vice president are devoted to ensuring that every American has access to health care, including reproductive health care, regardless of their income, zip code, race, health insurance status or immigration status.&quot;

=== &quot;Answers to Questions About the Texas Abortion Law&quot; (September1, 2021) ===
&lt;small&gt; Rabin, Roni Caryn, [https://web.archive.org/web/20211001005809/https:/www.nytimes.com/2021/09/01/health/texas-abortion-law-facts.html &quot;Answers to Questions About the Texas Abortion Law&quot;]. ''The New York Times''. (September 1, 2021) &lt;/small&gt;
* A Texas law banning most abortions after about six weeks of pregnancy went into effect on Wednesday, despite the 1973 Supreme Court decision that established a constitutional right to the procedure, making the state the most restrictive in the nation in terms of access to abortion services. &lt;br&gt; Other states have passed similar laws, but those measures face legal challenges. The Texas law is the first to be implemented. On a vote of 5 to 4, the court refused just before midnight on Wednesday to block the law. &lt;br&gt; Because of the way the law was written, it may be difficult to challenge in court, representing a sea change in the battle over abortion rights and inviting imitation by other jurisdictions seeking to tamp down access to abortion. &lt;br&gt; “These laws are unconstitutional, as we have understood Supreme Court rulings until now, and courts have quickly issued preliminary injunctions blocking enforcement,” said Elizabeth Nash, state policy analyst for the Guttmacher Institute, a research organization that supports abortion rights. &lt;br&gt; “This is the first one that has gone into effect,” she added. “This is huge in that respect.”
* “It is extremely possible and very common for people to get to the six-week mark and not know they are pregnant,” said Dr. Jennifer Villavicencio, lead for equity transformation at the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists. &lt;br&gt; The cardiac activity detected on ultrasound is not a true heartbeat, Dr. Villavicencio added. It results from electrical activity, but the valves of the heart have not yet formed. And the sound does not indicate the pregnancy is viable, she said. &lt;br&gt; “Forcing them to find out about a pregnancy and make a decision about how to manage it in a short period of time is antithetical to ethical care,” Dr. Villavicencio said.
* The law does not make exceptions for rape or incest. It does permit abortions for health reasons, but the exceptions are narrowly drawn, allowing a termination only if the pregnancy could endanger the mother’s life or lead to “substantial and irreversible impairment of a major bodily function,” Ms. Nash noted. &lt;br&gt; “These are very narrow exceptions,” she said, and the language does not cover every instance in which a woman’s health might be at risk. Nonetheless, she added, “Health providers will be very conservative about interpreting the law, because they don’t want to cross a line.”
* Abortion providers in Texas estimate that 85 percent of patients seeking abortion are at least six weeks pregnant and would be denied care under the new state law. &lt;br&gt; There are seven million women of childbearing age in Texas, and the law will make it more difficult for all of them to obtain abortions in the state, as legislators intended. &lt;br&gt; But the measure will create nearly insurmountable obstacles for certain vulnerable populations, abortion providers said. Among them: teenagers, who often don’t realize they are pregnant until later in a pregnancy; low-income people, who need to find about $550 to cover the cost of the procedure; and people of color, including undocumented immigrants. 
* About 70 percent of abortions in Texas in 2019 were provided to women of color, according to the Guttmacher Institute. &lt;br&gt; Texas requires minors to obtain permission from a parent or guardian to gain access to abortion care. Some minors must go to court to do so, adding to the delays, said Rosann Mariappuram, executive director of Jane’s Due Process in Austin, Texas, which helps teenagers get abortions. &lt;br&gt; Kamyon Conner, the executive director of the Texas Equal Access Fund, which helps low-income women pay for abortions, said she was particularly concerned about the new law’s potential impact on Black women in Texas, who already face high maternal mortality rates. &lt;br&gt; Undocumented women cannot travel easily around the state to get access to care, she added, and women with chronic illnesses can find a pregnancy life-threatening.

=== Most Who Know of Decision Agree With Supreme Court on Partial Birth Abortion (April 22, 2007) ===
&lt;small&gt; Most Who Know of Decision Agree With Supreme Court on Partial Birth Abortion [https://web.archive.org/web/20070427034834/http:/rasmussenreports.com/2007/April%20Dailies/partialBirthAbortion.htm Archived] April 27, 2007, at the Wayback Machine Rasmussen Reports. April 22, 2007. &lt;/small&gt;
* The Supreme Court’s recent decision on partial-birth abortion has not caught the attention of most Americans. Perhaps because it was released during the same week as the tragedy at Virginia Tech, just 26% of American adults said they followed news stories of the Court’s decision Very Closely. A Rasmussen Reports national telephone survey found that 40% knew the ruling allowed states to place some restrictions on specific abortion procedures. Sixteen percent (16%) mistakenly believed the decision did not allow states to enact such restrictions. A plurality (44%) did not know one way or the other. &lt;br&gt; Among those who knew what the Court decided, 56% agreed with the decision and 32% were opposed. Twelve percent (12%) were not sure.
* Overall, among all adults, 53% believe that abortion is morally wrong most of the time. Thirty-two percent (32%) disagree. Those numbers have changed little over the past year and there is virtually no difference of opinion between men and women. Upper-income Americans are the least likely to see abortion as morally wrong. Last year’s survey found that 61% of Americans know someone who has had an abortion.  &lt;br&gt; By a 71% to 22% margin, Republicans believe that abortion is morally wrong most of the time. Democrats are evenly divided on that question.
* Forty-five percent (45%) of American adults believe that it is too easy for a woman to get an abortion in the United States. Twenty-two percent (22%) say it is too hard while 21% say the balance is about right. Those numbers are little changed from a year ago. &lt;br&gt; Sixty-one percent (61%) of Republicans believe it is too easy for a woman to get an abortion. Just 14% of the GOP faithful believe it is too hard. Among Democrats, 36% believe it is too easy and 30% believe it is too hard.
* While abortion often becomes an election issue, it is not likely to have much impact until the general election. All candidates seeking the Democratic Presidential nomination issued statements opposing the ruling while those seeking the Republican nomination supported it. &lt;br&gt; Among the general population, 51% of Republicans knew what the Court decided last week. Just 35% of Democrats were able to do so.

=== “Culture wars: an encyclopedia of issues, viewpoints, and voices&quot; (2010) ===
&lt;small&gt; Claire E. Ramussen, “Abortion”; in Chapman, Roger. [https://books.google.com/books?id=vRY27FkGJAUC&amp;pg=PA1#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false “Culture wars: an encyclopedia of issues, viewpoints, and voices&quot;], ''M.E. Sharpe. Inc'', (2010) &lt;/small&gt;
* In the United States in the late 1800s, a coalition of women’s rights activists and doctors campaigned to outlaw abortions most of which were being performed by practitioners without medical training or being attempted by the pregnant woman herself. These “back alley abortions” resulted in many deaths and injuries. By 1900 abortion was banned throughout the United States. By the mid-1900 abortion was banned throughout the United States. By the mid-1900s, however, the medical profession has changed its position on abortion. By that time, private physicians were able to perform safe abortions, and they did so in certain situations, particularly if a pregnancy was caused by rape or incest or if the life of the mother was at risk. Physicians joined with the growing feminist movement to decriminalize abortion.
** pp.1

* The American Medical Association endorsed legalized abortion in 1967. Medical professionals reported that each year they were treating thousands of women who had obtained illegal abortions and had been injured as a consequence. Believing that abortions were inevitable in American society, they argued that legalizing the practice would allow trained medical staffs to perform safe procedures in medical facilities. Religious leaders in more liberal Christian denominations also became advocates. These included the United Church of Christ, the United Methodist Church, the Episcopalian Church, and the United Presbyterian Church. &lt;br&gt; The anti-abortion movement also began to grow in the 1960s and became a leading opponent of the ''Roe v. Wade'' ruling. The Roman Catholic Church became a powerful voice in opposition to abortion in the 1960s, when the National Conference of Catholic Bishops organized the Family Life Division (FLD). After 1973, leaders of the FLD formed the National Right to Life Committee, which became the largest-antiabortion organization. Led by John Wilke, the group fought for changes to abortion laws at the legislative level through lobbying and sponsored publication of anti-abortion materials for distribution to voters. 
** pp.1-2

* Anti-abortion violence rose dramatically in the 1980s and 1990s. In a series of related incidents, several abortion clinics in Florida were bombed on Christmas Day 1984. In 1993, Dr. David Gunn was shot and killed in front of his clinic by Michael F. Griffin, an anti-abortion activist, who surrendered to police at the scene and was sentenced to life in prison. In 1998, Dr. Bernard Slepian, a doctor known to provide abortion services, was shot and killed at his home in Amherst, New York, near Buggalo, by a sniper. In 2001, James Kopp, a member of a radical anti-abortion group, was arrested in France for the Slepian murder. Kopp was eventually extradited to New York and convicted of second degree murder. Incidents of violence against clinics declined after 2000, but abortion clinics still report more than a thousand incidents per year, affecting approximately a third of all such sites. 
** p.2

* The anti-abortion movement has largely succeeded in restricting the ability of women to obtain abortion services. As of 2008, even though early-term abortion was largely unregulated by law, 88 percent of counties in the United States had no abortion services. In practice, this means that women seeking abortion must travel to large urban areas, where abortion procedures are more readily available. The movement’s success in restricting practical access proves that determined resistance can go far toward nullifying legal rulings that a large, devoted group finds unjust. The pro-life movement has been less successful in affecting public opinion on abortion. Recent polls by a variety of polling organizations show that a majority of adults continue to believe that abortion should be available to women “all the time” or “most of the time.” A substantial minority believes it should be available only in special cases, but fewer than 10 percent believe it should be outlawed in all cases.
** pp.2-3

=== &quot;The Comparative Safety of Legal Induced Abortion and Childbirth in the United States&quot; (February 2012) ===
&lt;small&gt; Raymond, Elizabeth G.; Grimes, David A. (February 2012). [https://journals.lww.com/greenjournal/Fulltext/2012/02000/The_Comparative_Safety_of_Legal_Induced_Abortion.3.aspx &quot;The Comparative Safety of Legal Induced Abortion and Childbirth in the United States&quot;]. ''Obstetrics &amp; Gynecology''. 119 (2, Part 1): 215–219. &lt;/small&gt; 
* The pregnancy-associated mortality rate among women who delivered live neonates was 8.8 deaths per 100,000 live births. The mortality rate related to induced abortion was 0.6 deaths per 100,000 abortions. In the one recent comparative study of pregnancy morbidity in the United States, pregnancy-related complications were more common with childbirth than with abortion. &lt;br&gt; CONCLUSION: &lt;br&gt; Legal induced abortion is markedly safer than childbirth. The risk of death associated with childbirth is approximately 14 times higher than that with abortion. Similarly, the overall morbidity associated with childbirth exceeds that with abortion.
* Decades of research have demonstrated that legal induced abortion is safe. Mortality and serious acute complications are extremely rare. Recently, allegations of later sequelae—breast cancer and mental illness—were refuted. However, laws in 22 states in the United States now require that before an abortion is performed, the patient must be given detailed, specific verbal or written information about potential risks. In some cases, this material is misleading or patently wrong. &lt;br&gt; Health policy and medical practice should be based on the best available evidence. In the past 10 years, the introduction of new abortion methods may have affected the overall safety of the procedure. Notably, mifepristone was approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration for medical abortion in 2000; by 2008, approximately 17% of all nonhospital abortions were performed medically rather than surgically. In addition, changes in the risk profile of pregnant women—for example, as a result of growing obesity and an upward shift in the maternal age distribution—as well as the rising cesarean delivery rate may have enhanced the risks of the alternative to abortion, childbirth. The objective of this review is to provide an updated assessment2 of the safety of abortion relative to delivery.
* Between 1998 and 2005, the pregnancy-associated mortality rate among women known to have delivered live neonates in the United States was 8.8 deaths per 100,000 live births. Of all pregnancy-associated deaths of women with known pregnancy outcome, 71% occurred after live births; if 71% of women with unknown pregnancy outcome who died of pregnancy-associated causes are also assumed to have had live births, the mortality estimate increases to 10.4 deaths per 100,000 live births. The mortality rate related to legal induced abortion during that same interval was 0.6 deaths per 100,000 abortions. Thus, according to federal statistics, the risk of death associated with childbirth was approximately 14 times higher than that with abortion.
* Only one recent study provided comparative data on morbidity associated with various pregnancy outcomes in the United States. Epidemiologists at the CDC examined all International Classification of Diseases, 9th Revision, Clinical Modification diagnoses reported during or within 8 weeks after all 24,481 pregnancies among members of the Kaiser Permanente Northwest Health Maintenance Organization between 1998 and 2001. Of these pregnancies, 16,824 ended in live birth, 4,192 in induced abortion, and the rest in spontaneous abortions, stillbirths, or other outcomes. Common maternal morbidities were defined as conditions either unique to pregnancy or potentially exacerbated by pregnancy that occurred in at least 5% of all pregnancies. &lt;br&gt; Every complication was more common among women having live births than among those having abortions. The relative risks of morbidity with live birth compared with abortion were 1.3 for mental health conditions, 1.8 for urinary tract infection, 4.4 for postpartum hemorrhage, 5.2 for obstetric infections, 24 for hypertensive disorders of pregnancy, 25 for antepartum hemorrhage, and 26 for anemia.
* Legal abortion in the United States remains much safer than childbirth. The difference in risk of death is approximately 14-fold. Abortion also is associated with substantially less pregnancy-related morbidity. These results are consistent with prior analyses of national data.2 Indeed, the relative safety of abortion has increased substantially since the first decade after nationwide legalization, when child birth-related mortality was approximately seven times the mortality related to abortion.15 Although we could not find data that allowed comparable calculations of mortality or morbidity associated with surgical and medical abortion, Danco Laboratories, the distributor of mifepristone in the United States, has identified only 11 pregnancy-related deaths among the estimated 1.6 million women who have used the drug in the United States since 2000, which is a mortality rate of 0.7 per 100,000 users (Abigail Long, Danco Laboratories, LLC, personal communication). Clearly, the growing use of medical regimens has not increased relative abortion risk overall. &lt;br&gt; The disparity between abortion and childbirth safety is not surprising. Pregnancies ending in abortion are substantially shorter than those ending in childbirth and thus entail less time for pregnancy-related problems to occur. Many dangerous pregnancy-related complications such as pregnancy-induced hypertension and placental abnormalities manifest themselves in late pregnancy; early abortion avoids these hazards. Moreover, in the United States in 2008, one third of births occurred by cesarean delivery, an abdominal operation with substantial morbidity.
* [P]atients undergoing abortion appear to be at higher underlying risk than women who opt for delivery. Women who had abortions were more likely to be African American or unmarried, demographic characteristics strongly associated with increased mortality. In addition, because comorbidities are sometimes the motivation for abortion, the underlying medical risk of patients undergoing abortion may be higher than that of other pregnant women. Women in good health may be more likely to choose to continue their pregnancies than those who are ill (selection bias termed the “healthy mother” effect). Thus, mortality among patients undergoing abortion may overestimate the mortality risk of the procedure itself.
* Pregnant women considering their options deserve accurate information about comparative risks. Currently, some state laws and policies violate this standard. In Texas, for example, the mandatory 23-page pamphlet, “A Woman's Right-to-Know,” lists 12 potential complications of medical abortion with mifepristone and misoprostol, 12 of suction curettage, and 11 of dilation and evacuation. In contrast, the pamphlet names only six potential complications of vaginal delivery and eight of cesarean delivery. To laypersons who have little understanding of medical risk but can count complications, these tallies may imply that abortion has more complications than does childbirth. Similarly, the mortality statistics are presented as fractions with one in the numerator and with large denominators (eg, 8,475). Empiric evidence has demonstrated that women with less formal education than a college degree have trouble comparing risks expressed in this manner. Mortality risk should be expressed as number of deaths per 100,000, which is an easier format to understand.&lt;br&gt; Laws that compel exposure of women to such biased material thwart informed choice and contravene the ethical principle of autonomy.24 Moreover, they put clinicians in the untenable position of having to be complicit in misleading their patients. Since the early 1970s, the public health evidence has been clear and incontrovertible: induced abortion is safer than childbirth.

=== “When abortion was a crime: women, medicine, and law in the United States, 1867-1973” (December 31, 1996) ===
&lt;small&gt; Leslie J. Reagan, [https://www.google.com/books/edition/When_Abortion_Was_a_Crime/v2vanNwgkt4C?hl=en&amp;gbpv=1&amp;printsec=frontcover “When abortion was a crime: women, medicine, and law in the United States, 1867-1973”], “Introduction”, (December 31, 1996) &lt;/small&gt;
* Sympathy for their female patients drew physicians into the world of abortion in spite of legal and professional prohibitions. Indeed, it was physicians and lawyers who initiated the earliest efforts to rewrite the abortion laws. Ultimately, women’s pressing need for abortion fueled a mass movement that succeeded in reversing public policy toward abortion in the 1960s and 1970s. 
** “Introduction”, p.1

* This is the first study of the entire era of illegal abortion in the United States. Most scholarship on abortion was criminalized in the mid-nineteenth century, and when it was decriminalized a hundred years later in the mid-1960s and early 1970s. The century of illegal abortion is typically treated as obscure and unchanging. I find, however, that the history of illegal abortion was dynamic, not static. 
** p.2

* Abortion serves as a case study for rethinking the nature of the state in the United States. Much of the regulation of abortion was carried out not by government agents, but by voluntary agencies and individuals. The state expected the medical profession to assist in enforcing the law. It may be more accurate to think of the state apparatus not as the government, but as consisting of official agencies that work in conjunction with other semiofficial agencies. State officials, this history and others show, have often relied on “private” agents to act as part of the state. &lt;br&gt; Feminist scholars in the 1970s tended to see the medical profession as the source of the regulation of female sexuality and reproduction, but the medical profession’s role was more complex. This book shifts the attention to the state’s interest in controlling abortion and the alliance between medicine and the state. It would have been virtually impossible for the state to enforce the criminal abortion laws without the cooperation of physicians. State officials won medical cooperation in suppressing abortion by threatening doctors and medical institutions with prosecution or scandal. Physicians learned to protect themselves from legal trouble by reporting to official women injured or dying as a result of illegal abortions. By the 1940s and 1950s, physicians and hospitals had become so accustomed to this regulatory stance toward women and abortion that they instituted new regulations to observe and curb the practice of abortion in the hospital. The medical profession and its institutions acted as an arm of the state. 
** p.3

* This book is the first to chart the nation’s enforcement of the criminal abortion laws. To understand the power of law in the lives of the masses of Americans requires that one take seriously the experiences of ordinary people caught in criminal investigations. Thus it is necessary to analyze the processes and routine procedures of the legal system that shape those experiences. Most historians of crime and punishment have focused on police and prisons, while historians of women and the law have focused mainly on marriage and property rights, not crime. Surprisingly little historical work has examined the relationship between medicine and law. Few have studied law in practice. Analysis of the day-to-day workings of the legal system, rather than statutory changes, judicial rulings, or the volume of cases, reveals how the law intervened in the lives of ordinary citizens to  regulate reproductive and sexual behavior. 
** pp.4-5

* Law is not fixed but fluid. The criminal abortion laws passed in every state by 1880 made exceptions for therapeutic abortions performed in order to save a woman’s life. Because the laws governing abortion did not precisely define what was criminal and what was not, this had to be worked out in practice, in policing, and in the courts. The complexity of defining “legal” and “illegal” abortions for medical practitioners and legal authorities alike, the gray and evershifting nature of “criminality,” is an important theme in this book. Nor was medical understanding of therapeutic abortion stable. Medicine too is interpretive and changing. Throughout the period of illegal abortion, physicians disagreed on the conditions that mandated a therapeutic abortion and on the methods: there was no consensus. Changes in medicine influenced legal definitions of crime; at the same time, the law shaped medical thinking and practice. The medical profession and the legal profession each looked to the other the define the legality of abortion practices. Therapeutic abortion became increasingly  important in the 1930s; by the 1960s the practice (and nonpractice) of therapeutic abortion was at the very heart of the campaign to reform and repeal the criminal abortion laws.
** p.5

* The illegality of abortion had hidden the existence of an unarticulated, alternative, popular morality, which supported women who had abortions. This popular ethic contradicted the law, the official attitude of the medical profession, and the teachings of some religions. Private discussions among family and friends, conversations between women and doctors, and the behavior of women (and the people who aided them) suggest that traditional ideas that accepted early abortions endured into the twentieth century. Furthermore, through the 1920s at least, working-class women did not make a distinction between contraception and abortion. What I call a popular morality that accepted abortion was almost never publicly expressed but was rooted in people’s daily lives. Americans have a long history of accepting abortion in certain situations as a necessity and as a decision that, implicitly, belongs to women to make. This popular attitude made itself felt in the courts and in doctors’ offices: prosecutors found it difficult to convict abortionists because juries regularly nullified the law by acquitting abortionists, and few physicians escaped the pressure from women for abortions. Throughout the period of illegal abortion, women asserted their need for abortion and, in doing so, implicitly asserted their sense of having a right to control their own reproduction.
** p.6

* Abortion was not always a crime. During the eighteenth and early nineteenth centuries, abortion of early pregnancy was legal under common law. Abortions were illegal only after “quickening,” the point at which a pregnant woman could feel the movements of the fetus (approximately the fourth month of pregnancy). 
** p.8

* Colonial and early-nineteenth-century women, historians have learned, perceived conception as the “blocking” or “obstructing” of menstruation, which required attention. The cessation of the menses indicated a worrisome imbalance in the body and the need to bring the body back into balance by restoring the flow.
** p.8

* Both of these concepts, blocked menses and quickening, must be taken seriously by late-twentieth century observers. Blocked menses cannot be dismissed as an excuse made by women who knew they were pregnant. Quickening was a moment recognized by women and by law as a defining moment in human development. Once quickening occurred, women recognized a moral obligation to carry the fetus to term. This age-old idea underpinned the practice of abortion in America. The legal acceptance of induced miscarriages before quickening tacitly assumed that women had a basic right to bodily integrity. 
** p.9

* By the mid-eighteenth century, the most common means of inducing abortion-by taking drugs-was commercialized. The availability of abortifacients was so well-known that a common euphemism described their use. When Sarah Grosvenor, a Connecticut farm girl, confided to her sister in 1742 that she was “taking the trade,” her sister understood. That Grosvenor successfully conveyed her meaning to her sister in three metaphoric words tells us a great deal about the world of mid-eighteenth century New England. Many New Englanders, including these sisters, knew of the possibility of inducing an abortion by purchasing and ingesting drugs. The need for a euphemism tells of the difficulty of speaking only about sex and reproductive control and of the need for secrecy. Yet it reveals an awareness that women could and did regulate their own fertility through abortion. Furthermore, abortifacient had become a profitable product sold by doctors, apothecaries, and other healers.
** pp.9-10

* The first statutes governing abortion in the United States, James Mohr had found, were poison control measures designed to protect pregnant women like Grosvenor by controlling the sale of abortifacient drugs which often killed the women who took them. The proliferation of entrepreneurs who openly sold and advertised abortifacients may have inspired this early legislation, passed in the 1820s and 1830s. The 1827 Illinois law, which prohibited the provision of abortifacients, was listed under “poisoning”. &lt;br&gt; It is crucial to recognize what these early-nineteenth-century laws did not cover: they did not punish women for inducing abortions, and they did not eliminate the concept of quickening. Even as poison control measures, they said nothing about growing the plants needed in one’s own garden or mixing together one’s own home remedy in order to induce an abortion. The legal silence on domestic practices suggests that the new laws were aimed at the commercialization of this practice and, implicitly, retained to women the right to make their own decisions about their pregnancies before quickening. &lt;br&gt; By the 1840s, the abortion business boomed. Despite the laws forbidding the sale of abortifacients, they were advertised in the popular press and could be purchased from physicians or pharmacists or through the mail. If dugs filed, women could go to a practitioner who specialized in performing instrumental abortions. Advertisements and newspaper exposes made it appear that what had been an occasional domestic practice had become a daily occurrence performed for profit in northern cities. Madame Restell, for example, openly advertised and provided abortion services for thirty-five years. Restell began her abortion business in New York City in the late 1830s; by the mid 1840s, she had offices in Boston and Philadelphia and traveling agents who sold her “Female Monthly Pills.” Restell became the most infamous abortionist in the country, but she was not the only abortionist. The clientele of these busy clinics were primarily married, white, native-born Protestant women of the upper and middle classes.
** p.10

* In 1857, the newly organized AMA initiated a crusade to make abortion at every stage of pregnancy illegal. The antiabortion campaign grew in part, James Mohr has shown, out of regular physicians’ desire to win professional power,  control medical practice, and restrict their competitors, particularly Homeopaths and midwives. “Regular,” or “orthodox,” physicians, practitioners of “heroic” medicine, had come under attack in the 1820s and 1830s as elitist. They faced competition from a variety of practitioners from other medical sets, collectively known as “Irregulars.” Through the 1870s, regular physicians across the country worked for the passage of new criminal abortion laws. In securing criminal abortion laws, the Regulars won recognition of their particular views as well as some state control over the practice of medicine. &lt;Br&gt; Though professional issues underlay the medical campaign, gender, racial, and class anxieties pushed the criminalization of abortion forward The visible use of abortion by middle-class married women, in conjunction with other challenges to gender norms and changes in the social makeup of the nation, generated anxieties among American men of the same class. Birth rates among Yankee classes had declines by midcentury while immigrants poured into the country. Antiabortion activists pointed out that immigrant families, many of them Catholic, were larger and would soon out populate native-born white Yankees and threaten their political power. Dr. Horatio R. Storer, the leader of the medical campaign against abortion, envisioned the spread of “civilization” west and south by native-born white Americans, not Mexicans, Chinese, Blacks, Indians, or Catholics. “”Shall” these regions, he asked, “be filled by our own children or by those of aliens? This is a question our women must answer; upon their loins depends the future destiny of the nation.” Hostility to immigrants, Catholics, and people of color fueled this campaign to criminalize abortion. White male patriotism demanded that maternity be enforced among white Protestant women.
** pp.10-11

* Regular medical men had entered the debate about sexual politics by attacking the female practice of abortion as immoral, unwomanly, and unpatriotic. In giving abortion new meaning, the Regulars provided a weapon that white, native-born, male legislators could use against the women of their own class who had been agitating for personal and political reform. Regular physicians won passage of new criminal abortion laws because their campaign appealed to a set of fears of white, native born, male elites about losing political power to Catholic immigrants and to women. Class privilege did not protect middle-class white women from public policy designed to control them. Although the criminalization of abortion was aimed at middle-class white women, it affected women of every class and race. The new laws passed across the country between 1860 and 1880 regarded abortion in an entirely different light from common law and the statutes regulating abortifacients. In general, the laws included two innovations: they eliminated the common-law idea of quickening and prohibited abortion ay ay point in pregnancy. Some included punishment for the women who had abortions. The “Comstock Law” passed in 1873 included abortion and birth control in federal antiobscenity legislation, states and municipalities passed similar ordinances.
** p.13

* The antiabortion laws made one exception: physicians could perform therapeutic abortions if pregnancy and childbirth threatened the woman’s life. A bill criminalizing abortion unless done for “’bona fide’’ medical or surgical purposes” passed the Illinois state legislature unanimously and was signed into law in 1867. A few years later, Illinois passed another law prohibiting the sale of abortifacients but made an exception for “the written prescription of some well non and respectable practicing physician.” Physicians had won the criminalization of abortion and retained to themselves alone the right to induce abortions when they determined it necessary. &lt;br&gt; Through the antiabortion campaign, doctors claimed scientific authority to define life and death. In doing, they claimed the authority of religious leaders. In leading this moral crusade and thoroughly criticizing the ministry’s lack of interest in abortion, regular doctors set themselves above religious leaders as well as above the general populace. The medical profession’s claim to moral purity and the authority of the clergy was a stepping-stone to greater social authority. Regular physicians won an important victory when they persuaded the nation’s states to criminalize abortion. Physicians entered a new partnership with the state and won the power to set reproductive policy. In the process, women’s perceptions of pregnancy were delegitimated and women lost what had been a common-law right.
** pp.13-14

* During the more than one hundred years that abortion was illegal in the United States, the patterns, practice, policing, and politics of abortion all changed over time, though not always simultaneously.
** p.14

* The epoch of illegal abortion may be broken down into four periods. The first covers the time from the criminalization of abortion state-by-state, accomplished nationwide by 1880, to 1930. This period, covering fifty years, is heavily marked by continuity.  As other historians have also found, the reproductive lives of most women and the day-to-day practice of most physicians changed slowly. In this period, abortion was widely accepted and was practiced in women’s homes and in the offices of physicians and midwives. The diversity of practitioners, the privacy of medical practice, and the autonomy of physicians in the late nineteenth and early twentieth centuries made the widespread medical practice of abortion possible. A crackdown on abortion occurred between 1890 and 1920 as specialists in obstetrics renewed the earlier campaign against abortion, and the medical profession was drawn into the state’s enforcement system.
** pp.14-15

* The structural transformation that occurred during the 1930s, the second period, was crucial for the history of abortion. Abortion became more available and changed location. As the practice moved from private offices and homes to hospitals and clinics, abortion was consolidated in medical hand and became more visible. The changes wrought by The Depression accelerated the pace of change in the coming decades, particularly in the methods of enforcing the criminal abortion laws. &lt;br&gt; The third period was marked by increasing restrictions on abortion by state and medical authorities and intensifying demand for abortion from women of all groups. This period begins in 1940, when the new methods of controlling abortion were first instituted, and continues through 1973, when they were dismantled. In reaction to the growing practice of abortion as well as apparent changes in female gender and reproductive patterns, a backlash against abortion developed. 1940 marks a dividing line as hospitals instituted new policies, and police and prosecutors changed their tactics. The repression of abortion was part of the repression of political and personal deviance that took place in the 1940s and 1950s. Yet even in this period, the practice of abortion expanded in new directions in response to relentless demand. The new repression of abortion, however, was devastating for women. A dual system of abortion, divided by race and class, developed. During the post-war period, the criminalization of abortion produced its harshest results. 
** p.15

* A new stage in the history of abortion, the movement to legalize it, overlaps with the third period. The movement to decriminalize abortion began in the mid-1950s and arose out of the difficult experiences resulting from the repression of abortion in the 1940s and 1950s. In the 1950s, a handful of physicians began to challenge the very abortion laws their profession had advocated a century earlier. The progress of that challenge attests to the continuing power of the medical profession to make public policy regarding reproduction. As legal reform moved forward, a new feminist movement arose, which radically transformed the movement for legal change. When the women’s movement described abortion as an aspect of sexual freedom, they articulated a new feminist meaning for abortion; when they demanded abortion as a right they echoed generations of women.
** pp.15-16

* Despite the criminalization of abortion nationwide, abortion continued, and despite the efforts of Dr. Horatio Storer and his antiabortion allies, the thinking of ordinary Americans about early pregnancy had not been transformed. Abortion was widely tolerated. Many ordinary Americans at the turn of the century had not adopted the idea that there was a rigid dividing line between menstruation and conception, but continued to think of menstruation and early pregnancy as related. Abortion continued to be an important method of birth control, particularly for working-class, married women like Collins. Early twentieth-century women’s use of abortion was part of a long tradition among women to control and limit their childbearing. &lt;br&gt; In the past twenty-five years feminists have often used the metaphor of “silence to describe the subordination of women. Describing women as silent and silenced brought attention to the dominance of the masculine voice in politics, law, medicine, and the media and the near absence of women’s words and perspectives in these public political forums. The powerful metaphor’s provocative image of the silenced woman-unable to speak, ignored and unheard-reverberated with women’s experiences and encouraged women to be bold and to speak of their lives. In the late 1960s, an important tactic of the movement to legalize abortion was getting women to tell of their abortions at “speakouts” and thus discover their shared experiences and shared oppression. However, the metaphor of silence has limitations, for it has at times obscured women’s historical experiences by portraying women as more isolated, helpless, and victimized than they felt.
** Ch.1 “An Open Secret”, p.20

* The evidence shows that many American women and their friends and family accepted abortions. The widespread acceptance of abortion, expressed in word and deed during the era of its illegality, suggests the persistence of a popular ethic that differed from that of the law and the official views of medicine and religion. This popular acceptance of abortion took into account women’s sense of their own bodies, the particular situations in which women found themselves, and the material reality that made women and men need reproductive control. This finding suggests the need to refine our thinking about morality. Neither legal statutes nor the words of priests, ministers, or rabbis can be assumed to represent the moral thinking of the citizenry or congregations. Instead of assuming universal agreement on the immorality of abortion as expressed in the law and insisted upon by regular medical leaders, we might think of gradations in moral thinking or the existence of multiple moralities. The behavior and beliefs of ordinary people in daily life deserve serious attention. Abortion was part of life.
** pp.21-22

* Analysis of inquests into women’s deaths resulting from illegal abortions are crucial for my analysis of abortion from the late nineteenth century through the 1930s. Many of the details of early twentieth-century abortion practices and the most intimate stories of women and their relationships are drawn from these public records. These stories can be painful to read because the women died as a result of their illegal abortions, but their deaths allow us to learn about the lives of women, particularly immigrant and working women, who were most likely to appear in legal records. In studying these texts closely, this book honor the lives of these women who died trying to control their reproduction. Their deaths, however, were unusual. Most women survived their abortions and never had to tell anyone unless they chose to do so.
** p.22

* Mrs. Collins was one of hundreds of thousands of women who had abortions every year. Some late-nineteenth-century doctors believed there were two million abortions a year. In 1904, Dr C. S. Bacon estimated that “six to ten thousand abortions are induced in Chicago every year.” As one physician remarked in 1911, “Those who apply for abortions are from every walk of life, from the factory girl to the millionaire’s daughter; from the laborer’s wife to that of the banker, no class, no sect seems to be above . . . the destruction of the fetus.” As early twentieth-century reformers investigate abortion, produced and preserved knowledge of the business. Their reports, themselves evidence of the growing scrutiny of female sexual and reproductive behavior, show that a significant segment of the female population had abortions. A study of ten thousand working-class clients of Margaret Sanger’s birth control clinics in the late 1920s found that 20 percent of all pregnancies had been intentionally aborted. Surveys of educated, middle-class women in the 1920s showed that 10 to 23 percent had had abortions. Anedotal information, patient histories collected at maternity and birth control clinics, and mortality data show that women of every racial and religious group had abortions. A more comprehensive survey conducted by Regine K. Stix of almost one thousand women who went to the birth control clinic in the Bronx in 1931 and 1932 found that 35 percent of Catholic, Protestant, and Jewish clients alike had had at least one illegal abortion. By the 1930s, Dr. Frederick J. Taussig, a St. Louis obstetrician and nationally recognized authority on abortion, estimated that there were at least 681,000 abortions per year in the United States. &lt;br&gt; Most of the women who had abortions at the turn of the century were married. Tracking changes in the demographic characteristics of those who had illegal abortions is difficult, but evidence shows that abortion continued to be a practice of mostly married women until after World War II. Yet the image of the seduced and abandoned unmarried woman dominated turn-of-the-century newspapers and popular thinking. The image of the victimized single woman spoke to fears of the city and the changing roles of women in the same way that visions of married women aborting had expressed mid-nineteenth century anxieties. Newspapers, physicians, and prosecutors highlighted the abortion-related deaths of unwed women.
** p.23

* To the dismay of medical leaders, the public still believed that quickening marked the beginning of life. The practice of abortion persisted nationwide “Many otherwise good and exemplary women,” Dr. Joseph Taber Johnson reported in 195, thought “that prior to quickening it is no more harm to cause the evacuation of the contents of their wombs than it is that of their bladders or their bowels.” &lt;br&gt; Women’ critics found it provoking that women did not appear to be ashamed about their illegal abortions, but freely discussed them, advised each other in the methods for inducing abortions, and referred their friends to abortionists. One physician observed in 1891 that leading ladies of the community “not only . . . commit this crime, but talk about it very unconcernedly, or engage in disseminating a knowledge of the work among friends as earnestly as they would work for a supper for the benefit of a hospital, kindergarten, or the far-distant heathen.” The scene sketched by this doctor  implicated well-to-do, respected women active in voluntary and charitable activities in the crime of abortion and criticized them for treating the subject lightly. It may be fruitful to read the doctor’s comparison literally: control over their own reproduction was as important to women as building a hospital or caring for the needy. Indeed, women’s involvement in charitable and reform activities made the ability to control childbearing necessary, and that control made voluntary activities possible.
** pp.25-26

* Women shared with one another very specific knowledge about how to induce abortions. Female sharing of abortion techniques was both part of the routine exchange of knowledge about how to treat illnesses of all kinds and a continuation of earlier tradition when women traded recipes for abortifacients. “The older ladies of the community are prolific in advice,” one Chicago physician remarked in 1900. “Hot drinks, hot douches, and hot baths are recommended. Violent exercise is suggested and humping off a chair or rolling down stairs is a favorite procedure. Certain teas are given . . . and the different emmenagogue pills are too easily procurable.”&lt;br&gt; “Older ladies” shared the traditional techniques known to them; younger women shared more modern and scientific information. The information women gave each other changed over time along with changes in medicine When a  turn-of-the-century physician warned a young married woman of septic infection, the woman answered, “’My friend told me to boil my catheter before using it.’” Medical precautions against sepsis, this report suggests, had entered popular knowledge. Armed with medical wisdom and personal experience, these patients dismissed warnings and vexed their doctors. Barbara Brookes has found that early-twentieth-century English women “helped” each other induce abortions. American women did the same. In 1920 a nurse reported the story of a married, working-class woman, “Annie .,” who had induced three abortions already and, if pregnant, planned to do so again. When warned of the dangers of abortion, “Annie laughed and said: ‘Oh! It’s easy.’ And . . . added: ‘I have told lots of women how to do it.’”
** pp.26-27

* Parents, especially mothers, often played a crucial role in the effort to obtain an abortion when their daughter was unwed. Reflecting the sympathies and training of gender, daughters generally turned to mothers for help when faced with a pregnancy out of wedlock. In the late nineteenth century, Joan Jacob Brumberg has argued, illegitimacy became a “traumatic event” for middle-class families, which threatened the reputations of both the unmarried women themselves and their families. Many parents had a strong interest in protecting their daughters and themselves from the shame associated with single motherhood. In late-nineteenth-century New York, one woman approached a female doctor about an abortion for her daughter, whose fiancé had fled “Death before dishonor” the mother reportedly declared “my daughter is not going to be disgraced all her days, and the man to go scot-free.” The mother’s words succinctly summarized the sexual double standard: she knew that bearing an illegitimate child would stigmatize her daughter for life while the boyfriend could experience sexual pleasures without hurting his honor. If fathers were apt to overreact  to their obvious inability to control the sexuality of their daughters, daughters and their mothers might collude to keep the man of the house ignorant. 
** p.28

* To avoid the social disaster of single motherhood, turn-of-the century physicians and women’s charity groups urged unwed women to bear their children in maternity homes. Some homes arranged for adoption of illegitimate infants; others insisted that the new mothers keep them. ‘’The Journal of the American Medical Association’’ viewed these homes as a way “to combat the crime of induced abortion.” Yet many homes refused African American women. One African American physician established a hospital in Louisville, Kentucky, in order to provide a place where unmarried African American women could deliver their babies and give them up for adoption instead of having abortions. The policies of unwed mother’s homes could be oppressive. Maternity homes expected mothers to repent and required them to stay long periods of time, perform domestic tasks and participate in religious services. State agencies and private charities required the women, whether keeping or giving up their newborns, to breast-feed for several months. Some women surely concluded that an abortion, though illegal, could be a simpler solution to a pregnancy out of wedlock. Regina Kunzel has found that many women in maternity homes had tried but failed to abort their pregnancies. One maternity home inmate gave her new friends at the home valuable information for the future; she described how to do their own abortions.
** pp.28-29

* The economic difficulty of rearing children as a single woman helped push the pregnant and unmarried to have abortions. Working women earned waged half those of men and inadequate for a woman by  herself, let alone with dependent children. A 1908 study of Chicago’s store and factory workers found that more than half of the women living alone earned less than a subsistence wage. Although real wages increased in the 1920s, the average female worker in manufacturing still earned below subsistence. African American women, who were segregate into domestic service jobs, were paid less than white coworkers. Furthermore, single working mothers risked losing their children as a result of being charged with child neglect by reformers and officials. 
** p.29

=== “Abortion and the Ways We Value Human Life” (1998) ===
&lt;small&gt; Jeffrey H. Reiman, [https://books.google.com/books?id=gcRwR2skwr4C “Abortion and the Ways We Value Human Life”], (Rowman &amp; Littlefield 1998) &lt;/small&gt;
* Ironically, as Mohr points out, most feminist leaders shared the physicians’ opposition to abortion, though they did not share the physicians’ explanation of its prevalence. Elizabeth Cady Stanton, for example, viewed the increase in the incidence of abortion as a result of “the degradation of women in the nineteenth century. Feminists generally thought that women had abortions because they lacked the ability to control their sex lives in the face of pressure from tyrannical husbands or because husbands, who wanted sex but didn’t want the financial burdens of additional mouths to feed, directly pressured them to have abortions. 
** p.30

* In view of how many abortionists were female midwives, it is plausible that male physicians opposed abortion out of a wish to put control of women’s reproduction in men’s hands. In any event, regular doctors had a financial interest in eliminating competition from these and other irregulars; licensing laws regulating who could practice medicine would not appear until the final decades of the nineteenth century. “The specific cases of abortion cited in the medical journal almost invariably stressed that the performer was a ‘quack,’ a ‘doctress,’ an ‘irregular,’ or the like, and regular physicians remained openly jealous of the handsome fees abortionists collected for their services.”
** pp.30-31

* Until 1967, when the first stirrings of legal liberalization began, abortion was a felony in forty-nine states and the District of Columbia (in New Jersey it was a “high misdemeanor”). In forty-two of these states, an exception allowed abortion if necessary to save the life of the pregnant woman. New Mexico and Colorado permitted it if necessary to save her from “serious and permanent bodily injury”; Alabama and the District of Columbia, to protect her life or health; and Maryland, for  her “safety.” Louisiana and Pennsylvania allowed no exceptions at all. The result of these laws was not so much to eliminate abortion as to drive it underground. In 1936, an estimated 500,000 abortions-one for every five live births-were performed in America; in 1960, an estimated 1.2 million-one for every three live births Of these 1.2 million, only a tiny fraction, about 8,000, were legally permitted therapeutic abortions. Though the secrecy attending illegal abortions makes it appropriate to treat estimates of their number with skepticism, it does seem that a very large number of illegal abortions occurred during tis period. 
** p.31

* Movements toward liberalization began slowly. A small number of radicals pressed for legalization of abortion during the 1930s but the association of this goal with the Left (the Soviet Union had made abortion legal in 1920) largely doomed the movement and led American birth control advocate to dissociate themselves from the call for legalization. Major family planning organization focused on making contraceptive devices and information readily available, first to married women and later to single women. Their leaders often expressly condemned abortion and promoted contraception as a way of reducing its incidence. Advocates of liberalization directed their efforts primarily at expanding the allowable legal exceptions rather than repealing the laws against abortion. And doctors increasingly interpreted the existing exceptions liberally. &lt;br&gt; According to Reagan, in response to growing female independence, a new wave of repression of abortion started  in the 1940s and coincided with the “domestic revival” of the 1950s. Abortion was likewise a target of McCarthyism during that period. With greater legal repression, abortions became harder to obtain and more dangerous. Maternal mortality resulting from abortions increased dramatically, especially for black and poor women. “Public-health statistics revealed an appalling picture of death and discrimination. . . . The illegality of abortion had produced a public-health disaster-especially for low-income and minority women. . . . Public health activists interested in reducing maternal mortality now had to turn their attention to one of the most important causes: illegal abortion.” Interestingly, Luker maintain that maternal deaths from illegal abortions decline throughout the twentieth century but agrees that they occurred disproportionately among the poor and that the helped to mobilize some of the first groups to enter the abortion reform movement. &lt;br&gt; In 1952,  symposium of psychiatrists recommended a legal exception to permit abortions needed to preserve the pregnant woman’s 
** p.32

=== “Science, Technology, and Society: An Encyclopedia” (2005) ===
&lt;small&gt; Restivo, Sal P., ed. (2005). [https://books.google.com/books?id=A8C3m8rRba4C&amp;pg=PR3&amp;source=gbs_selected_pages&amp;cad=2#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false “Science, Technology, and Society: An Encyclopedia”]. Oxford University Press. &lt;/small&gt;
* Legal abortion preserves women’s lives from unsafe pregnancies and nonmedical abortions. For feminists, the “right to choose” abortion also symbolized women’s liberation from patriarchal control. Although “pro-choice” rhetoric is consistent with American values of self-determination, “choice” may be a misguided symbol for reproductive rights; many women experience abortion not as desirable but as an unfortunate necessity following failed contraception, forced intercourse, or “positive” diagnosis of fetal abnormality. Further, women’s ability to “choose” an abortion in the United States remains subject to some federal and state-level legislative restrictions. The 1976 Hyde Amendment restricts Medicaid-funded elective abortions, and in 2000, 87 percent of U.S. counties lacked abortion providers. Reproductive rights groups have run into conflict with disability rights activists over the possible eugenic use of elective abortion following prenatal screening, such as for Down syndrome, to limit the range of acceptable human life. 
** p.1

* ”Roe” ultimately gives physicians, not pregnant women, the ability to determine whether and when abortion is warranted. In the nineteenth century, women of all social classes could legally procure abortion, often using herbal abortifacients. As “regular” physicians distinguished themselves from midwives and homeopaths, many lobbied state legislatures to criminalize induced abortion. Shortly after its formation in 1847, the American Medical Association (AMA) declared human life to begin at conception and not, as women apparently believed, at “quickening,” midway through gestation, when a woman first feels fetal movement in the womb. In taking an anti-abortion stance, physicians not only professionalized but moralized their practice through association with saving lives. By end of century, abortion was criminalized throughout the United States and recognized to be a medical issue. It is an historic irony that abortion was medicalized to restrict its practice, only to be legalized a century later precisely based on its status as medical procedure, a private matter between patient and doctor.
** p.1

* Since “Roe”, “pro-life” activists redefined the question of “life” in the abortion controversy as fetal, rather than maternal, right to life. Legalization galvanized opposition from pro-life activists, for whom abortion eroded traditional gender roles and women’s moral standing as childbearers. Right-to-life activists return to early AMA formulations of distinct life beginning at conception. Appropriating prenatal medical imaging technologies, they produce propagandistic displays. Photographic and ultrasound images of free-floating fetuses are used to portray fetal life as not only viable but autonomous, suggestive of personhood and rights. Pro-life campaigns project images of intact, well-developed fetuses despite the fact that 90 percent of abortion sin the United States occur during the first trimester. Radical pro-lifers view abortion as a holocaust and a symbol of America’s moral degeneracy. Activists commit property crimes including arson at abortion facilities, and during the late 1980s and 1990s several abortion providers were murdered by extremists who championed a Christian nation at millennium’s end where God’s law would prevail over human law.
** pp.1-2

=== &quot;Poll: Strong Support For Abortion Rights&quot; (January 22, 2003) ===
&lt;small&gt; Joel Roberts, [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/poll-strong-support-for-abortion-rights/ &quot;Poll: Strong Support For Abortion Rights&quot;], CBS News, (January 22, 2003) &lt;/small&gt;
* Seventy-seven percent of respondents said abortion should either be generally available, or available but with stricter limits than now. Just 22 percent said abortion should not be permitted. &lt;br&gt; Public sentiment on the issue is about the same as it was ten years ago. The latest findings show the number of Americans who believe that abortion should be generally available is up slightly from two years ago, and about the same as it was in the spring of 2000. &lt;br&gt; Those who believe abortion should remain available are evenly divided between those who think it should be generally available to those who want it, and those who think it should have more restrictions than it currently does.  &lt;br&gt; And looking ahead to the next two years, the great majority of Americans expects that abortion will remain legal in some form, though many - particularly women -- believe it will soon come under stricter limits. 47% of women think so, 39% of men do.
* There are partisan differences on abortion, though majorities of both parties are in general agreement that it should be available in at least some form. 43% of Democrats think that abortion should be generally available, and 35% think it should be under stricter limits. Republicans are less inclined to think it should be generally available - 29% think so - while 41% of them think it should be available but under more limits than it is today. 28% of Republicans say it should not be permitted at all, and 21% of Democrats agree. Independents break down much like the Democrats: 42% of them say abortion should be generally available.
* There are no major differences between mens' and womens' stands on the issue. 40% of men believe abortion should be generally available, and 37% of women think it should be. 20% of men think it should not be permitted, and slightly more women, 24%, agree. 
* Younger women hold nearly identical views on abortion as do older women. Among women under 45, 38% say abortion should be generally available and one-quarter say it should never be permitted. Among women 45 and older, 36% say it should be generally available and 23% say abortion should never be permitted. 
* Catholics and Protestants in the survey held roughly the same views on the issue. 36% of Catholics believe abortion should be generally available, and 34% of Protestants agree. 27% of Catholics think abortion should not be permitted, and 24% of Protestants believe this, as well.
* There are, however, strong regional differences in the United States on the abortion question. Southerners and mid-westerners are more likely to believe abortion should not be permitted, while those in the West and Northeast are more likely to think it should be generally available.

=== &quot;Elective Abortion&quot;  (May 27, 2010) ===
&lt;small&gt; Natalie E Roche (May 27, 2010). &quot;Elective Abortion&quot;. eMedicine. [https://web.archive.org/web/20041214092044/http:/www.emedicine.com/MED/topic3311.htm Archived] &lt;/small&gt;
* Therapeutic abortion is defined as the termination of pregnancy before fetal viability in order to preserve maternal health. In its broadest definition, therapeutic abortion can be performed to (1) save the life of the mother, (2) preserve the health of the mother, (3) terminate a pregnancy that would result in the birth of a child with defects incompatible with life or associated with significant morbidity, (4) terminate a nonviable pregnancy, or (5) selectively reduce a multifetal pregnancy.  &lt;br&gt; The vast majority of abortions performed in the United States are elective. Pregnancy-related conditions that threaten maternal life are rare and difficult to define precisely. The decision to terminate a pregnancy for medical indications is generally a multidisciplinary decision involving the obstetrician, a specialist in the disease entity in question, the patient, the patient's family, and others. 
* History of the Procedure: Termination of pregnancy has been practiced since ancient times and by all cultures. The indications and social context for termination of pregnancy vary with culture and time.  &lt;br&gt; The use of abortion to preserve the life of the mother has been widely accepted. Early Jewish scholars' interpretation of the Talmud required that the fetus be destroyed if it posed a threat to the mother during delivery. The ancient Greeks allowed abortion under certain circumstances. Ancient Romans did not consider a fetus a person until after birth, and abortion was practiced widely. Early Christians had varying practices regarding abortion. By 1869, the Catholic church declared abortion a sin punishable by excommunication.  &lt;br&gt; In the United States, legislation regarding abortion has varied with the times. Before 1800, no statutes addressed the subject of abortion. The first antiabortion legislation appeared in the 1820s; the preservation of pregnant women's health was the motivating force. During this time, the mortality rate from abortion was high, while the mortality rate from childbirth was less than 3%. By 1900, abortion in the United States at any time during pregnancy was a crime, with the exception of therapeutic abortion performed to save the mother's life.  &lt;br&gt; During the 1950s, the practice of medicine came under increasing scrutiny, and guidelines were set to define the indications for therapeutic abortion. The guidelines allowed therapeutic abortion if (1) pregnancy would &quot;gravely impair the physical and mental health of the mother,&quot; (2) the child born was likely to have &quot;grave physical and mental defects,&quot; or (3) the pregnancy was the result of rape or incest (Mcfarlane, 1993). In the United States, the legalization of abortion by Roe v Wade in 1973 upheld the fundamental right of a woman to determine whether to continue her pregnancy.
* Problem: US statistics indicate that the vast majority of abortions are elective. Therapeutic abortion is rare. The ability to define therapeutic abortion performed for maternal indications is difficult because of the subjective nature of decisions made about potential morbidity and mortality in pregnant women. A variety of medical conditions in pregnant women have the potential to affect health and cause complications that may be life threatening.  &lt;br&gt; Prenatal screening in the form of prenatal diagnostic screening continues to improve the antepartum diagnosis of fetal anomalies. The decision to continue or terminate a pregnancy complicated by fetal anomalies is a difficult decision. The most difficult decisions are associated with anomalies that are unpredictable or highly variable in their expression.  &lt;br&gt; The increase in the use of assisted reproductive technologies has been associated with an enormous increase in multifetal pregnancies. These pregnancies are complicated by increased fetal morbidity and mortality rates, which are largely caused by prematurity and growth retardation. Selective reduction has been introduced as a technology to improve perinatal outcomes in these pregnancies and has been successful in reducing preterm deliveries and associated morbidity and mortality.

=== “Management of unintended and abnormal pregnancy: comprehensive abortion care” (April 27, 2009) ===
&lt;small&gt; Allan Rosenfield, “Introduction” in Paul M, Lichtenberg ES Borgatta L Grimes DA Stubblefield P Creinin (eds) [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Management_of_Unintended_and_Abnormal_Pr/iK7xrRr2p9sC?hl=en&amp;gbpv=1&amp;printsec=frontcover “Management of unintended and abnormal pregnancy: comprehensive abortion care”]. (April 27, 2009) Oxford: Wiley-Blackwell. &lt;/small&gt;
* No topic engenders more heated controversy in the USA and elsewhere in the world than induced abortion, and this conflict is not likely to be resolved in the forseeable future. Those who feel that life begins at fertilization or implantation, and that abortion at any stage of development is the equivalent of murder, will not compromise their strong views. Similarly, those who defend a woman’s right to control her body and to decide whether to continue or terminate a pregnancy will not moderate their strong views. Other than supporting better programs to prevent unwanted pregnancies (and even here, a subset of those opposed to abortion also objects to all modern forms of contraception),no real common ground exists between these opposing points of view, despite many attempts to search for some means of communication between the two. &lt;br&gt; Notwithstanding prevailing religious, moral, or cultural attitudes toward abortion, women who do not wish to be pregnant for whatever reason will attempt to terminate the pregnancy, regardless of the risks involved. Worldwide, approximately 42 million abortions occur annually, and 20 million or more are performed under unsafe, usually illegal, circumstances. Furthermore, the World health Organization estimates that between 65,000 and 70,000 women die each year from unsafe abortion and 5 million more suffer from complications of hazardous or botched abortions, most taking place in the developing world and primarily in those countries in which abortion is illegal. &lt;br&gt; In the USA in the late 1980s, data from the National Survey of Family Growth (NSFG) showed that nearly 60% of all pregnancies were unintended at the time of fertilization. Thus, over 3 million pregnancies per year were unintended and 45% of these pregnancies, or 1.4 million, ended in abortion. Approximately half of all unintended pregnancies in the USA still  end in abortion, resulting in approximately 1.2 million induced abortions each year. Moreover, the most recent NSFG data from 2002 demonstrated a notable increase in the proportion of births to women who wanted no more children (approximately 14% as compared to 9% in the 1995 data). According to Finer and Henshaw, “between 1994 and 2001, the rate of unintended pregnancy declined among adolescents, college graduates, and the wealthiest women, but increased among poor and less educated women. Thus, women with the least resources bear a disproportionate burden of unintended pregnancy and its consequences. Although many assume that teenagers have the majority of abortions in the USA, they actually account for less than one-fifth of all abortions, the remainder taking place among women over age 20. &lt;br&gt; In close to half of those women experiencing an unintended pregnancy, the woman or her partner regularly used a contraceptive method,  but for a variety of reasons, it was not used on that occasion or it failed. Similarly, approximately 54% of US women who had an abortion in 2000-2001 had been using a contraceptive method during the month they conceived. Despite the relatively large number of highly effective reversible contraceptive methods on the market, none meets the needs of all couples. The most effective ones (intrauterine devices, injectables, and implants, which have failure rates essentially equal to a sterilization procedure) all have drawbacks or are associated with misperceptions that limit their use. Oral contraceptives, the most widely used reversible method of contraception, carry failure rates of 6 to 8% in actual practice. The advent of emergency contraception is an important advance, providing an option for those women who have unexpected mid-cycle intercourse.
** pp.34-35

* Due to myriad factors, including the shortage of abortion providers and state and federal restrictions on abortion, many areas of the USA lack abortion services. As a result, many women travel considerable distances in order to obtain abortions. In some states, services are severely limited, and a few dedicated clinicians travel by plane to different clinic settings on a regular, repeating schedule. This situation is extraordinary in a country in which abortion is legal and in which over 40,000 obstetrician-gynecologists practice. 
** p.35

=== &quot;Americans Narrowing Support for Abortion&quot; (June 18, 2000) ===
&lt;small&gt; Rubin, Allisa J. (June 18, 2000). [https://www.latimes.com/archives/la-xpm-2000-jun-18-mn-42249-story.html &quot;Americans Narrowing Support for Abortion&quot;], ''Los Angeles Times''. &lt;/small&gt;
* “Americans, in terms of their own code of morality, may view abortion as murder and may be comfortable with it being illegal, but most Americans don’t want to impose that on other people,” said Susan Carroll, a senior research associate who studies abortion at the Center for American Women and Politics at Rutgers University. “It’s kind of a live-and-let-live approach. . . . Most Americans are in favor of letting people make their own individual choices.”
* More than half of those surveyed say abortion should either be illegal in all circumstances or legal only in cases of rape, incest or when a woman’s life is in danger. At the same time, more than two-thirds say that, regardless of their own feelings on the subject, the highly personal decision to obtain an abortion should be left to a woman and her doctor. &lt;br&gt; Even more striking, while 57% of respondents say they consider abortion to be murder, more than half of that group agree that a woman should have the right to choose an abortion. &lt;br&gt; These conflicting perspectives make abortion a particularly tricky issue for politicians. President Clinton attempted to straddle the ambivalence in his first presidential campaign by saying he wanted abortions to be “safe, legal and rare.” So far, neither Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush nor Democratic rival Al Gore have found a similarly deft formulation. &lt;br&gt; The issue could help--or hurt--both men. Nearly two-thirds of Americans say they have no clear sense of either candidate’s position on the issue at this point in the presidential race. But 34% of poll respondents say that if they learn that a candidate’s position on abortion disagrees with their own, it would be enough to change their vote.
* Bush’s opposition to abortion appeared more likely to help his candidacy than Gore’s support of abortion rights will help his. When told that Bush opposes abortion, 27% of respondents say that makes them more likely to vote for him. But only 18% of respondents say Gore’s support for legal abortion would make them more likely to vote for him. &lt;br&gt; Still, there may be risks in emphasizing a stand against abortion, some experts say. If a candidate strongly opposes legal abortion, that could mobilize opposition among sizable groups of voters, such as suburban women and college students. &lt;br&gt; “The country leans [toward] limited pro-choice,” said Bob Blendon, a professor at the Harvard School of Public Health who tracks views on health care issues.
* Nearly two-thirds of respondents say abortions should be illegal after the first three months of pregnancy. While 85% support abortion when a woman’s physical health is at risk, the level of support drops to 54% when only her emotional health is at stake. And 66% say they support abortion when the fetus is at risk of an abnormality. &lt;br&gt; The poll shows growing support for RU-486, the “abortion pill” that was developed in France and can be used during the first eight weeks of pregnancy. Americans are almost evenly divided between those who favor making it widely available (43%) and those who oppose doing so (46%). When the question was first asked 11 years ago, 32% approved of making the drug available.
* Typically when abortion rights are threatened, support for legal abortion rises, according to polling experts. &lt;br&gt; In the last decade, for example, previous polls show support for Roe peaking at 56% around 1991, when the decision was under attack across the country. Most states had pushed measures through their legislatures that either put strict limits on abortion or even banned it altogether.
* The Supreme Court is poised to rule on the constitutionality of Nebraska’s ban on “partial-birth” abortions by the end of the month. Nearly identical bans are in place in nearly 30 states. The ruling will be the court’s first major decision on abortion in eight years and could significantly reduce women’s access to abortion after the first trimester. &lt;br&gt; In The Times Poll, 65% of respondents said abortions in the second trimester should not be legal. Female respondents feel more strongly about the issue: 72% believe second-trimester abortions should be illegal, compared with 58% of men. &lt;br&gt; The poll shows that while more than four out of five respondents support abortion when a woman’s physical health is at risk, just slightly more than half feel the same when it is a matter of a woman’s emotional health. Support for abortions to protect a woman’s mental health is strongest among single women, 64% of whom believe it should be allowed.

=== &quot;Education Trumps Gender in Predicting Support for Abortion - College-educated adults -- and especially college-educated women -- most supportive&quot; (April 28, 2010) ===
&lt;small&gt; Saad, Lydia (April 28, 2010). &quot;Education Trumps Gender in Predicting Support for Abortion - College-educated adults -- and especially college-educated women -- most supportive&quot;. Gallop. [https://web.archive.org/web/20170916120533/https:/news.gallup.com/poll/127559/education-trumps-gender-predicting-support-abortion.aspx Archived] from the original on September 16, 2017. Retrieved January 5, 2020. &lt;/small&gt;
* Over the past three decades, men and women have consistently held similar views about the extent to which abortion should be legal. Typically, majorities of both sexes have said abortion should be &quot;legal only under certain circumstances.&quot; Smaller percentages have believed it should be either legal under any circumstances or illegal in all circumstances -- with those in favor of legality consistently the larger group. Support for legal abortion &quot;under any circumstances&quot; reached its peak among both sexes in the early 1990s but has since receded some. &lt;br&gt; Women have in recent years been more likely than men to hold the two absolute positions on abortion -- saying it should be either legal under any circumstances or illegal in all circumstances -- but these differences are not large.
* Education is a strong correlate of support for abortion rights among both genders, with college graduates the most likely to say abortion should be legal in any circumstances. However, in line with the broader societal trend, support among college graduates has fallen markedly since the early 1990s. These educational differences and trends are evident among both men and women. &lt;br&gt; Aside from the broader pattern, however, support for legal abortion in all circumstances among female college graduates has been about 10 percentage points greater than that among male college graduates. The gender gaps in views of adults who have lower education levels tend to be much smaller. &lt;br&gt; Gallup's earlier reports detailing long-term demographic trends found that attitudes have somewhat converged over time among different age groups (with the exception of seniors, who remain the least supportive of legal abortion) but have grown more polarized by party (with Democrats becoming more accepting of legal abortion and Republicans less accepting). These age and partisan patterns are seen about equally among men and women.
* Gallup's abortion polling since the mid-1970s finds few remarkable distinctions between men's and women's views on the legality of abortion. &lt;br&gt; Overall, women are a bit more likely than men to hold one of the more absolute views on abortion: that it should be either legal under any circumstances or illegal in all circumstances. However, majorities of both genders take the middle &quot;legal only under certain circumstances&quot; position. &lt;br&gt; Within various age and partisan categories, men and women are mostly similar in their views. Only with respect to education, specifically those with a college education, is there a sizable gender gap. College-educated women are significantly more likely than college-educated men to believe abortion should be legal under any circumstances.

=== &quot;Pro-choice&quot; and &quot;pro-life&quot; Americans agree on 9 of 17 policies tested” (August 8, 2011) ===
&lt;small&gt; Saad, Lydia (August 8, 2011). https://news.gallup.com/poll/148880/Plenty-Common-Ground-Found-Abortion-Debate.aspx &quot;Pro-choice&quot; and &quot;pro-life&quot; Americans agree on 9 of 17 policies tested” &quot;Plenty of Common Ground Found in Abortion Debate]&quot;. Gallup.com. &lt;/small&gt;
* PRINCETON, NJ -- Self-described &quot;pro-choice&quot; and &quot;pro-life&quot; Americans agree about nine major areas of abortion policy, while disagreeing on eight others. Among the areas of consensus, in which a majority of both groups hold the same opinion, especially large percentages are in favor of requiring informed consent for women (86% of pro-choice adults and 87% who are pro-life) and making abortion illegal in the third trimester (79% and 94%).&lt;br&gt; Pro-life and pro-choice Americans also broadly agree that abortion should be legal when a woman's life or physical health is endangered by pregnancy and when pregnancy is caused by rape or incest. Both groups favor banning &quot;partial-birth abortions,&quot; and requiring parental consent for minors. Additionally, a slim majority of pro-choice Americans (52%) agree with 90% of pro-life Americans that abortion should be illegal in the second trimester.
* The most contentious area of abortion policy has to do with abortions conducted for financial reasons. Nearly two-thirds of pro-choice adults, 64%, compared with only 9% of pro-life Americans, say abortion should be legal when the woman or family cannot afford to raise the child. &lt;br&gt; This 55-percentage-point gap in views is nearly matched by the divergence in support for first-trimester abortions, and for abortions done when the baby may be mentally or physically impaired, or when the mother's mental health is at stake. All of these positions are favored by most pro-choice Americans, compared with fewer than 40% of pro-life adults.
* [M]ost pro-life adults support three abortion-related regulations that are backed by no more than 30% of pro-choice adults. These are requiring women to be shown an ultrasound of her fetus before having an abortion, banning federal funds for clinics that provide abortions, and allowing pharmacists and healthcare providers to opt out of dispensing medicine or participating in procedures that result in abortion.
* It should be noted that support for abortion by trimester is also complex and can depend on the rationale -- as past Gallup research has found. However, broadly speaking, Americans are more supportive of legalizing abortion in the earliest stages of pregnancy than in the later stages, when the fetus is more fully developed or could survive outside the womb.
* Abortion politics have been quite contentious in the United States; however, self-described &quot;pro-life&quot; and &quot;pro-choice&quot; Americans broadly agree on more than half of 16 major abortion policy matters Gallup tested in June and July. These policies generally have to do with protections for women's vital health, preventing late-term abortions, and ensuring that abortion patients and parents are fully informed before an abortion. &lt;br&gt; While such positions may not square with those taken by the leading pro-choice and pro-life lobbying groups in Washington, enacting them would greatly narrow the scope of the debate among Americans as a whole. That would leave first-trimester abortions, abortions performed when physical or mental impairments of the fetus are indicated, when the mother's mental health is endangered, and abortions performed for financial reasons as the main areas of contention over abortion. In addition, laws that require pregnant women to be shown ultrasounds, policies that allow healthcare professionals to opt out of participating in abortions, and banning federal funds to abortion providers would continue to generate controversy.

=== &quot;Americans Misjudge U.S. Abortion Views&quot; (May 15, 2013) ===
&lt;small&gt; Lydia Saad, [https://news.gallup.com/poll/162548/americans-misjudge-abortion-views.aspx &quot;Americans Misjudge U.S. Abortion Views&quot;], ''Gallup.com'', (May 15, 2013). &lt;/small&gt;
* PRINCETON, NJ -- When asked how they think most Americans feel about the abortion issue, 51% of U.S. adults say the public is mostly &quot;pro-choice,&quot; while 35% say &quot;pro-life.&quot; This general perception that the pro-choice viewpoint prevails contrasts with the nearly even division of Americans' actual views. The same poll finds that 48% of Americans call themselves pro-life and 45% pro-choice. &lt;br&gt; Political moderates are the most likely among major demographic and political subgroups to believe the pro-choice position dominates nationally. They are closely followed by &quot;pro-choice&quot; Americans, Westerners, Democrats, and nonwhites. Republicans, conservatives, and &quot;pro-life&quot; Americans are the only groups that are about evenly split in their perceptions of which abortion viewpoint is the more prevalent. No group mostly sees pro-lifers as dominant.
* As Gallup reported last week, Americans have, for the most part, been closely divided since 2009 in their personal identification as either pro-life or pro-choice. However, the balance of these views varies sharply among demographic and political groups. &lt;br&gt; Americans who profess no religious identity are the most heavily pro-choice, at 80%, with 15% calling themselves pro-life. This group is followed by liberals and Democrats, among whom pro-choicers outnumber pro-lifers by at least 2-1.
* Gallup finds less than 10-percentage-point differences separating the pro-choice and pro-life camps in all other major subgroups, including political independents, moderates, men, women, young adults, middle-aged adults, and residents of the East, Midwest, and West.
* For several years now, neither the pro-choice nor the pro-life label has been dominant among Americans. Nevertheless, 51% of Americans perceive that most Americans are pro-choice -- slightly more than the 45% personally taking the pro-choice stance. Barely a third of Americans, 35%, think most Americans are pro-life, considerably less than the 48% who are pro-life.
* While Americans overestimate the strength of the &quot;pro-choice&quot; position, the same poll found them vastly underestimating the degree to which their fellow Americans support gay marriage. In other words, on abortion they think society is more liberal than it is; on gay rights, they think society is more conservative than it is. This seeming contradiction might be explained in terms of timing, as on both issues, Americans' perceptions of public opinion are merely a few years out of date. As recently as 2006, and routinely prior to 1998, the majority of Americans called themselves &quot;pro-choice.&quot; And until 2011, the majority opposed gay marriage. &lt;br&gt; While it is unclear what impact Americans' current perceptual errors might have on their behavior or on public policy relative to abortion and gay rights, it is possible their perceptions will catch up with reality if current attitudes are sustained for any length of time.

=== &quot;Trimesters Still Key to U.S. Abortion Views&quot; (June 13, 2018) ===
&lt;small&gt; Lydia Saad, [https://news.gallup.com/poll/235469/trimesters-key-abortion-views.aspx &quot;Trimesters Still Key to U.S. Abortion Views&quot;]. June 13, 2018. &lt;/small&gt;
* WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Americans' support for the legality of abortion varies sharply when they are asked to evaluate it on a trimester basis, which is consistent with the pattern Gallup has found for more than 20 years. Six in 10 U.S. adults think abortion should generally be legal in the first three months of pregnancy. However, support drops by about half, to 28%, for abortions conducted in the second three months, and by half again, to 13%, in the final three months.
* As Gallup reported earlier this week, the vast majority of Americans want abortion to be legally available in all or certain circumstances, even while, in answer to a separate question, they are evenly divided at 48% each in identifying their overall position as &quot;pro-choice&quot; or &quot;pro-life.&quot; &lt;br&gt; But Americans' views on the issue are even more complicated than that. Support for elective abortion depends on the specific reason a woman seeks the procedure. And that, in turn, varies by whether it occurs early or late in the pregnancy.
* The most widely accepted reason for performing abortions, with little difference in support depending on the timing, is when the woman's life is endangered: 83% think this should be legal in the first trimester and 75% in the third. Majorities also think abortion should be legal in both trimesters if done because the pregnancy was caused by rape or incest, although support falls from 77% in the first trimester to barely half (52%) in the third. &lt;br&gt; Abortions done because the child would be born with medical problems -- either a life-threatening illness or a mental disability -- receive majority support when done in the first trimester, but less than majority support when occurring in the third. &lt;br&gt; Americans are divided about terminating a pregnancy in the first trimester when Down syndrome is detected, with 49% in favor; but support drops to 29% for abortions done for this reason in the third trimester. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention identify Down syndrome as &quot;the most common chromosomal disorder,&quot; affecting about one in every 700 babies born in the U.S. &lt;br&gt; Less than half of Americans support abortions conducted in the first or the third trimester when the woman doesn't want the child &quot;for any reason,&quot; although there is a sizable falloff in support for this from the first trimester (45%) to the third (20%).
* Women and men have similar abortion views in most of the circumstances, but men are more supportive when it comes to aborting in the first trimester when the child would be born mentally disabled (62% of men vs. 51% of women say this should be legal in the first trimester), or when the child would be born with Down syndrome (56% vs. 44%).
* Most Americans generally see some reason for abortion to be legal, but far more think it should be legal in the first trimester than in the second or third. This conforms with the actual rate of abortions in the U.S. by trimester. According to the Guttmacher Institute, which tracks abortion statistics, late-trimester abortions are rare -- only 1.3% are conducted later than 20 weeks, whereas 89% are performed within the first 12 weeks.

=== &quot;Majority in U.S. Still Want Abortion Legal, With Limits&quot; (June 25, 2019) ===
&lt;small&gt; Saad, Lydia, [https://news.gallup.com/poll/259061/majority-abortion-legal-limits.aspx &quot;Majority in U.S. Still Want Abortion Legal, With Limits&quot;]. ''Gallup.com''. (June 25, 2019). &lt;/small&gt;
* Currently, 53% of U.S. adults believe abortion should be legal &quot;only under certain circumstances,&quot; far more than the 25% who favor it being legal with no restrictions and the 21% who think it should be completely illegal. These results from a May 1-12 Gallup poll, align with what Gallup has found most years since 1975, the year it began tracking these attitudes.
* Consistent with all prior Gallup trends on the subject, most Americans say that abortion is not critical to their vote, but the percentage saying they would only vote for a candidate for major office who shares their views on abortion has been inching up over the past decade. The figure is now 29%, compared with 20% when Gallup last asked this in 2016, and a low of 13% in 2008. &lt;br&gt; Meanwhile, the percentages saying a candidate's position on abortion is just one of many important issues they take into account when voting, or that abortion is not important to their vote, have been trending down -- currently at 44% and 26%, respectively. &lt;br&gt; Not only is the overall percentage of Americans saying that abortion is key to their vote at a record high, but the percentage is at its peak among self-identified &quot;pro-choice&quot; and &quot;pro-life&quot; Americans. &lt;br&gt; Currently, 26% of pro-choice adults say they will only vote for a candidate who shares their views on abortion, up from 17% in 2016. &lt;br&gt; However, the matter continues to be more important as a voting issue to pro-life than pro-choice adults, as it has in every Gallup measure since 2004. Thirty-five percent of pro-life adults now say they will only vote for like-minded candidates on the issue, an increase from 23% in 2016.
* The division between Americans identifying as pro-life and pro-choice has been particularly close in recent years. Since 2007, the percentages identifying as pro-choice and pro-life have each averaged 47% and the figures have varied by no more than five points in either direction.
* Little has changed over the past year, or even over the past 10 years, in Americans' basic outlook on abortion. Americans' hold a nuanced view about the issue, with most believing abortion should be legal, but with some restrictions.

=== “Abortion Rate Falls, But Not Equally for All Women” (September 23, 2008) ===
&lt;small&gt; Tiffany Sharples, [https://web.archive.org/web/20080925201556/http:/www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1843717,00.html “Abortion Rate Falls, But Not Equally for All Women”], ''Time Magazine'', September 23, 2008  &lt;/small&gt;
* A new report analyzing 30-year trends in abortion rates finds that fewer and fewer U.S. women are choosing abortion overall, but that the rate of decline differed significantly between populations. Abortion decreased more among white women and white teenagers, for example, compared with women of [[Latina]] or [[African-American]] descent. &lt;br&gt; The study, released Tuesday by the non-profit Guttmacher Institute, which specializes in research on reproductive and sexual health, examined abortion rates in the U.S. from 1974 — the year after Roe v. Wade deemed abortion a &quot;fundamental right&quot; — through 2004. The total number of abortions has dropped over the last two decades, from nearly 1.6 million in 1984 to 1.2 million in 2004. The abortion rate hit its peak in 1980 at 29 abortions per 1,000 women ages 15 to 44; in 2004, that number had dropped to 20 per 1,000 women.
* Statistically one in three U.S. women will have an abortion in her lifetime, the study found, but that risk does not apply to all women equally. Women who choose abortion are more likely to be in their 20s or 30s than in their teens or 40s; they're more likely to have children already; and they're also more likely to be black or Hispanic than white. The abortion rates in 2004 were 50 abortions per 1,000 black women and 28 abortions per 1,000 Hispanic women, compared with 11 out of every 1,000 white women. &lt;br&gt; &quot;This is the first time that somebody's really sat down and said, in this 30-year time period, what have been some of the changes in characteristics of women obtaining abortions?&quot; says Rachel Jones, a senior research associate at the Guttmacher Institute and the project manager for the new study.
* In 2004, 60% of women who had abortions had already given birth to at least one child, an increase from 50% in 1989, while 47% of women who had an abortion had already undergone the procedure at least once before (the study's authors point out, however, that the trend in multiple abortions may already be declining). Between 1974 and 2004, the percentage of abortions performed among women in their 20s increased from 50% to 57%; the percentage among women in their 30s increased from 15% to 24%. Meanwhile, the proportion of abortions sought by patients under 20 fell from 33% in 1974 to 17% three decades later. &lt;br&gt; &quot;The shift in age, more women who already have children — this really does paint a different picture of women having abortions than the way it's portrayed in popular culture,&quot; Jones says, in reference to the popular notion that unintended pregnancy happens to careless teens and college kids.
* The trend also points to a gap in outreach and education, says Jones: &quot;We've devoted a lot of effort to preventing teen pregnancy and we haven't done very much for older women. So, what you see is that teenagers are doing a better job, over the 30-year time period, of avoiding unintended pregnancies and avoiding abortions.&quot; &lt;br&gt; Economics may also have something to do with it. Single motherhood has become increasingly common over the past 30 years, which may have affected the number of women who already have children who opt for abortions. &quot;A single mom, if she's already got kids and she finds herself pregnant, just has fewer resources to raise another child,&quot; Jones says.
* Health officials are struggling to educate women who have had an abortion about avoiding additional unwanted pregnancies. &quot;People in the family planning and abortion community are trying to deal with this head on,&quot; Jones says. &quot;We have an obligation to women who are experiencing multiple unintended pregnancies to do what we can to help them avoid subsequent unintended pregnancies.&quot; &lt;br&gt; That is no easy task. Jones points out that the population at hand is sexually active and of child-bearing age — at the start, that makes birth control a trickier issue. Also, says Jones, many women who get abortions may not have access to good health care or reliable contraception, or they may not have partners who are willing to use condoms or to use them consistently. &quot;All of these risk factors combined lead to an increased vulnerability to having multiple unintended pregnancies,&quot; Jones says.
* One interesting finding is that in recent years, there has been a marked trend toward early abortions — in particular, abortions within 7 weeks of pregnancy — something Jones attributes to more accurate home pregnancy tests and more choices in abortion methods, including the introduction of mifepristone, the miscarriage-inducing drug also known as the RU-486 that was approved by the Food and Drug Administration in 2000.  &lt;br&gt; Despite a reduction in access to abortion providers — the Guttmacher Institute conducts a regular census, which has consistently shown a decline in abortion care, Jones says — the increase in early termination of pregnancies suggests that women are still able to find providers and find them quickly. While this marks progress, Jones stresses that there is still a lot of ground to cover toward giving women more control over their family planning. &quot;It's not just about preventing pregnancies,&quot; Jones says. &quot;It's about having children when you're ready, and when you want to.&quot;

=== &quot;Two Nebraska towns outlaw abortion&quot;  (April 16, 2021) ===
&lt;small&gt; Shatara, Jay (April 16, 2021). [https://nebraska.tv/newsletter-daily/two-nebraska-towns-outlaw-abortion &quot;Two Nebraska towns outlaw abortion&quot;]. nebraska.tv. &lt;/small&gt;
* HAYES CENTER, Neb. — Hayes Center and Blue Hill join over 20 other towns in the state of Texas to pass an ordinance like this as part of Sanctuary Cities for the Unborn. For both towns in Nebraska, it will be a 500 dollar fine if you break this law. &lt;br&gt; Village Chair of Hayes Center Kimberle Primavera said it is simple. &lt;br&gt; &quot;Our entire board, and I would say and probably most of our community knows when life begins. They know the ending of that life is murder,&quot; said Primavera.  &lt;br&gt; And she said she hasn't really gotten any pushback from her community on this decision.
* But Scott Richters from the ACLU of Nebraska sent us a statement:  &lt;br&gt; &quot;Cities and villages cannot outlaw or criminalize abortion. It is a fundamental right protected by the Constitution. We are monitoring suspect local ordinances and exploring our options, including litigation if necessary. &lt;br&gt; People have different views on abortion, but we can all agree that deciding whether and when to become a parent is one of the most private and important decisions a person can make. Politicians at every level need to stop interfering and playing politics with deeply personal medical decisions. Instead of joining in this national, extremist effort to shame others and push abortion care out of reach, the elected leaders of these communities should quickly repeal these ordinances. &lt;br&gt; The facts are clear, these restrictions fall hardest on women of color, poor women and women living in rural communities. These community leaders should be focused on the health of their community, not taking away people’s freedom to make the best decision for themselves and their families. A better path forward would be increasing access to education, as well as family planning and family support services – not putting taxpayers at risk of civil rights litigation.”
* &quot;Basically if any kind of litigation were to be brought to the City of Blue Hill, along with our city attorney, with Mitchell Law, we would have representation for that matter,&quot; said Schunk.  &lt;br&gt; Like her counterpart in Hayes Center, Blue Hill Mayor Keri Schunk presented the idea to her board and got full support. &lt;br&gt; &quot;Basically anybody who intentionally breaks the law of the city is disrespecting the city and risks facing consequences for their actions which would result in a fine,&quot; said Schunk.  &lt;br&gt; &quot;We didn't have a window into when life begins like we do now. In the age of people crying science, I think we have to look at every medical journal on embryology saying life begins at conception,&quot; said Primavera. 
* Primavera said she took an oath to follow the U.S. Constitution. While the ACLU of Nebraska said that same constitution protects the right to have an abortion. &lt;br&gt; &quot;As Village Board members we take an oath to defend the constitution to what is spelled out very clearly in the Constitution is murder. So ending a life is murder. So our community is very much in support of defending everyone's right to life from conception to natural death,&quot; said Primavera.  &lt;br&gt; We did ask both Primavera and Schunk if someone were to leave town and get an abortion would they get in trouble? They both said no that doesn't break the law.

=== “The Abortionist: A Woman Against the Law” (1994) ===
&lt;small&gt; Rickie Solinger, [https://www.google.com/books/edition/The_Abortionist/aWOcDwAAQBAJ?hl=en&amp;gbpv=1&amp;printsec=frontcover  “The Abortionist: A Woman Against the Law”], The Free Press, 1994, pp. xi, 5, 16–17, 157–75. &lt;/small&gt;
* For the past one hundred and fifty years in the United States, when abortion has been discussed in public, the context has almost always been legal: we need laws to stamp out abortion. We need to liberalize the laws. We need to give women a legal right to choice. We need to restrict or recriminalize the practice. While these discussions have proceeded across the decades of the nineteenth and twentieth centuries-when abortion was a crime, and when it was not-girls and women have found abortion practitioners to terminate pregnancies they were unable to manage. Our history shows us that neither criminal statues nor censorious public attitudes were ever sufficient to stop women determined to decide for themselves whether and when to become a mother. &lt;br&gt; Nobody knows for sure how many illegal abortions were performed each year in the decades before “Roe v. Wade”, the 1973 Supreme Court decision that legalized abortion. Law enforcement officials and public health experts often estimated the annual number of abortions at one million, with only ten thousand of those conducted in hospitals as medically sanctioned therapeutic abortions. In 1953, when abortion was most empathetically a crime, Alfred Kisey’s pathbreaking study, “Sexual Behavior and the Human Female” reported that more than one out of every five women in the United States who had sexual relations-whether inside or outside of marriage-ad had an abortion. The experts generally agreed that most illegal abortions were performed on married women, not surprisingly, since more married than single women engaged in sexual relations. But an enormous number of girls and women in both groups found abortionists to take care of them in the illegal era.
** pp.ix-x

* We have no reliable numbers to attach to illegal abortions, nor do we have a thorough profile of abortion practitioners. Many were able to conduct their business without exposure. Like many people who operate outside of the law, a number left no evidence of their illegal activities. We do know that in a great many cities and town, medical doctors in the illegal era did sneak in an abortion case every now and then, often as a favor to a long-time patient who made her desperation and her determination frighteningly plain.
** p.x

* Some practitioners were not physicians, but were nevertheless highly skilled and experienced. Some were midwives, others nurses, chiropractors, naturopaths. The vast majority of illegal abortions were performed by individuals-doctors and others-who knew what they were doing because they provided their services day in and day out, year after year, for decades at a time with the tactic consent of law enforcement. &lt;br&gt; Others who performed abortions in the illegal era were not trained or skilled. These were the notorious back-alley butchers, the car mechanics, the hairdressers, the proprietors of hardware stores, the housewives who saw that the law together with women’s need to control their fertility, created lucrative opportunities for a person with the stomach to try his or her luck at scraping wombs. These types performed a relatively small share of the abortion carried out in the illegal era. Their careers generally did not last long. They made mistakes, and they were arrested at once. The terrible consequences of their work, and the highly public fate of these abortionists-their arrests and trials and incarcerations-guaranteed them an enduring place in our historical memory of the illegal era, despite their brief and limited practices.
** pp.x-xi

* People who saw the results of anti-abortion laws firsthand in the illegal era-the physicians and public health officials who kept tabs on emergency room traffic-were well aware that it was not the physician-abortionist, nor the midwife or chiropractor or even the car mechanic, who caused abortion-seeking girls and women  the most physical damage before “Roe v. Wade”. By far, the lion’s share of the damage was at the hands of the unwillingly pregnant woman herself, so desperate and resourceless, so shamed and determined, that she’d  take up a hideous array of herbs and implements, despite the spectre of damage and death from self-styled abortions that haunted every woman in those days. Dr. Kinsey and his colleagues in the 1950s estimated that seventy-five to eighty-five percent of septic abortions were self-induced. An obstetrician in Washington, D.C., observed in 1958 that attempts to suppress abortion simply raised the self-induced abortion rate and consequently the death rate.
** p.xi

* Today, anti-choice legislators and a minority of our citizenry are determined to use the law again to mandate “counselling” and waiting periods, to require parental and spousal notification to deny insurance coverage for abortion, to prohibit certain kinds of procedures, and ultimately to outlaw altogether the right of women to control their own fertility. The effect of these efforts, where they prevail, will be to mandate the degradation of unwillingly pregnant girls and women and to further entrench a  tiered system of access to abortion services that will hurt poor women first. &lt;br&gt; The history of our recent past teaches that anti-abortion statues have had and would again have an additional malign effort-degrading the law itself Although the law never did and never will stop millions of women from determining their own reproductive lives, it has in the past, as Ruth Barnett’s story shows, provided a wealth of opportunities for police corruption, politically corrupt selective enforcement, and politically timed sensational and salacious exposes, all of which endangered and damaged women.
** p.xii

* Anti-abortion statues have never stopped abortion in part because these laws have always been at odds with public opinion. That fact may be difficult to remember in the midst of today’s noisy, sometimes violent anti-choice rhetoric and legislative grandstanding. But in the depths of the illegal era, legal experts and law enforcement officials regularly pointed out that the majority of Americans were not opposed to abortion because, then as now, to many of our wives, mothers, sisters, aunts, girlfriends-too many of us-have been caught by unmanageable pregnancies. Yet, in the absence of a feminist movement that linked abortion rights and women’s rights, public tolerance of abortion in the illegal era meant that most Americans passively accepted laws against abortion and quietly sanctioned massive, secretive, individual resistance. But today the public cannot afford to be passive about the right to abortion because a desperate segment of the opposition has turned violent and murderous. This opposition and its far-right supporters are determined to have the state control women’s bodies and fertility once again.
** p.xii

* Whether the anti-abortion statues were rarely enforced, as in the Depression-era 1930s, or often enforced, as in the 1950s, the fact that these laws were on the books created opportunities for individuals-sleazy entrepreneurs and ambitious politicians-who did not perform abortions but positioned themselves to benefit from women’s desperation, at women’s expense. And the laws on the books provided a foundation for a kind of vulnerability that started with heterosexual intercourse and rippled out over all the facets of a woman’s life. The story of the illegal era shows how when an activity is simultaneously illegal, culturally taboo, and  perceived by women as one of life’s necessities, opportunities about for the degradation of women and the enhancement of the power of men.
** p.xv

* Most females who had heterosexual intercourse could become pregnant at any time. Educators, employers, cultural authorities, and many other social arbiters constructed their ideas about girls and women on this reality. Unexpected pregnancy and motherhood justified excluding females from many fields of study and many jobs, justified paying them lower wages than men, and  otherwise stunted the claims of women to full membership in society. Plus, as long as females were subjected to laws that denied them sexual and reproductive autonomy, all women were affected, whether or not any one of them climbed up on the abortionist’s table. &lt;br&gt; This insight about the danger to all women has frightening relevance today. “Roe v. Wade” hangs by a thread. Opponents of “Roe” continue to raise religious beliefs about secular law, in violation of the Constitution but with breathtaking conviction and persistence-and success. They proceed with their efforts to recriminalize abortion as if it were possible to cancel this one reproductive right without changing “everything” about the status of fertile, potentially pregnant persons in the United States. Living under a regime of coerced pregnancy, coerced childbearing and coerced parenthood changed everything.
** ”Preface to 2019 Edition”, pp.xviii-xix

* The notion of quickening was a venerable, woman-centered concept long embedded in the common law. It allowed that a pregnancy could not be confirmed until the woman felt the fetus move within her body. In the days before drugstore pregnancy kits, sonograms and rabbit tests, and all the other modern methods of verifying pregnancy, the woman herself was the definitive expert. Doctors and midwives agreed that menstrual irregularity-in fact, all the symptoms of pregnancy-“could” be associated with conditions other than pregnancy. So traditionally, it was not until the woman reported the sensation of fetal movement that she could be declared pregnant. Consequently, an abortion in the early months of pregnancy-often treated as an operation to restore the woman’s menstrual flow by removing a “blockage”-was not considered a crime. During all of the eighteenth century and the first half of the nineteenth century, the quickening doctrine governed abortion law in the North American English colonies, and then in the United States. &lt;br&gt; Even after doctors had prevailed on legislators to make abortion  crime, many states retained the quickening doctrine by criminalizing abortion only after the woman reported movement. Oregon’s first anti-abortion statute was based on this premise. The concept of quickening was so enduring that as late as the 1930s, seven states still incorporated it into the statutory language by specifically outlawing procedures on a woman “pregnant with a quick child”.
** Ch.1 “Danger”, p.11-12

* It was always the case that a woman lying in the city hospital, suffering the effects of a botched abortion, caught the attention of law enforcement officials. If the policemen called to her bedside by the hospital staff had reason to believe that the criminal abortion was the work of a lay practitioner, their eagerness to make an arrest might be quite keen. Some observers of the behavior of law enforcement in these years pointed out that police were especially eager to arrest a female abortionist, whether or not she had a death on her hands. &lt;br&gt; A medical man who performed abortions-on the side or for a living-was not so endangered. Certainly he was less likely to be arrested for being a known abortionist. After all, a doctor had the skills that came with medical training, so a district attorney, not eager for abortion prosecutions any-way, could reason that a doctor’s abortion work didn’t really hurt the community or put women’s lives in danger. A seasoned D.A. knew for sure that any abortion conviction was hard enough to win, and a doctor-defendant only made matters worse. For one thing, just about any doctor in town had respectable, pillar-of-the-community colleagues to stand up for him in court and claim the abortion was a medical necessity, no doubt about it. 
** p.14

* As one observed in Ruth Barnett’s day put it, “It was to be expected that the abortionists could not ply their trade in security without insuring that law enforcement agencies would keep their eyes fixed in the opposite direction.” Many abortionists dutifully paid the insurance premium directly to the cops. Throughout the illegal decades and across the country, law enforcement officials who did not want to get involved in abortion busts understood that extortion was remunerative alternative to arrest. In most towns it was common knowledge that wherever there were abortionists, there were cops being paid off. One reported, snooping around among abortionists in California, came away convinced of this. He wrote, “In big cities an abortionist who operated openly in a downtown office building must be assumed to have purchased immunity, for the constant stream of women to his office would quickly attract attention.” It was not unusual that a high-level investigator looking into the goings-on in these down-town buildings would end up with more extortion-than abortion-related indictments. In the real world, the anti-abortion laws created more problems than they solved.
** p.15

=== “Abortion Wars: A Half Century of Struggle, 1950–2000” (1998) ===
&lt;small&gt; Solinger, Rickie (1998), &quot;Introduction&quot;, in Solinger, Rickie (ed.), [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Abortion_Wars/LBQbVVoXLcEC?hl=en&amp;gbpv=1&amp;printsec=frontcover “Abortion Wars: A Half Century of Struggle, 1950–2000”], University of California Press &lt;/small&gt;
* Fifty years ago, politicians in this country did not speak in public about abortion. Nor did priests or rabbis. Large groups of people did not collect in Washington, D.C., to demonstrate their support for or abhorrence of abortion rights. Fifty years ago almost no one in the United States imagined coupling the shadowy world of abortion with the concept of the civil rights of women. Abortion practitioners-and there were hundreds of them working in our cities and towns then-did not don bulletproof vests when they went to work in the morning. And fifty years ago, hundreds of thousands of women sought and obtained abortions, furtively keeping appointments with criminalized practitioners in venues on the wrong side of the law. &lt;br&gt; At the end of the twentieth century, the subject of abortion occupies the dedicated space in public discourse for expressions of fear, outrage, and hatred; for struggle over ideology and justice. This is the space that forty to fifty years ago was filled by the subjects of civil rights and communism. Clearly, a great deal has changed in the past half century regarding abortion…
** p.1

* There are pressing reasons to look at the abortion controversy in the United States over time. But before discussing some of the reasons that seem particularly pressing, I want to make the simple point that when a subject is given its history-when the abortion controversy and abortion practice are examined within ahistorical framework-it becomes unsettilingly impossible tot hink about the subject ina  fixed, static wat or to claim universalized, decontextualized meanings for abortion and its satellite issues.
** pp.1-2

* What would a contemporary reader make, for instance, of a 1966 letter in my files form a Portland, Oregon, parish priest in good standing who wrote in the Portland city Council imploring this body to quit harassing the city’s most active, most successful, and most demonized abortion practitioner? In this letter the priest insisted that the council grant a permanent license for the motel the abortionist owned on the same block occupied by St. Michael’s Catholic Church. The priest defined his defense of the abortionist clearly: “I sincerely trust that we are still living in an age when a person’s property is respected.” This letter directs the attention of today’s readers to the very interesting fact that in 1966 a catholic clergyman not only argued publicly that property rights trumped abortion wrongs but even portrayed the abortion provider as a hardworking, generous grandmother of four whose place of business was a respectable hostelry. &lt;br&gt; Keeping the priest from St. Michael’s in mind, let’s return to the important reasons for considering the subject of abortion in its historical context. Tobegin with, a historical framework makes clear that the meanings of the most fundamental terms associated with abortion- such as “life, choice, mother, fetal viability”-have shifted, contracting or expanding over the past half century. For both scholarly and strategic reasons, it is important to cultivate  a heightened awareness of this process.
** p.2

* The fact is, when foundational terms-particularly those associated with politically charges matters-have fluid and mutable meanings over time, their usage is easily manipulated or distorted and politicized. An advocate can emphasize vestigial meaning in  a way that subtly but powerfully eclipses contemporary usage. In the abortion arena, opponents of abortion rights often invoke terms such as “life” and “mother’s destiny” as if they had fixed enduring transcultural and transhistorical meanings. At other times, these same people imbue old terms with apparently modern significations. A demonstration that the meaning of many abortion-related terms has changed over time calls into question the claim of universal, unchanging truth advanced by the anti-rights forces.
** p.2

* Fifty years ago, embryologists and neonatologists were in general agreement that viability-the capacity of the fetus to live outside the womb-was reached after approximately thirty-four weeks of gestation. Scientists and physicians also agreed that “fetal viability” was a technical term relevant mostly to obstetric emergencies. Over the decades, scientific advances have pushed the date of fetal viability back, so that today, in some cases, a fetus of twenty-seven or twenty-eight week’s gestation can be rendered viable. New science has thus fractured old meanings and common usage. Today, anti-rights legislators all over the country and in Congress have appropriated the term from the medical domain and refashioned it as a legal status anda  political rallying cry. For abortion rights opponents, the term now demarcates the beginning f a stage of pregnancy in which abortion is deemed “late”, and therefore notoriously and irredeemably wicked. “Fetal viability” has become an anti-rights strategy for demonizing women and disqualifying doctors.
** pp.2-3

* More than 25 years have elapsed since Dr. Bourne, an eminent London obstetrician, was found not guilty after having performed an abortion on a 14-year-old girl who had become pregnant after a particularly brutal rape. In this country no state has specifically legalized an abortion for pregnancy resulting from rape or incest. It is extremely likely, however, that many victims of such crimes have been aborted upon the medical, or more accurately psychiatric, opinion that the operation is necessary to preserve the patient's life. Our society tends to express vigorous condemnation of criminal abortion until confronted with a personally or socially unacceptable pregnancy.&lt;br&gt; In contrast, for abortion rights proponents, the term largely retains its original reference to the fetus “qua” fetus. People who support abortion rights are aware that the very small number of abortion performed after fetal viability are bund up with unavoidable tragedy. Many rights advocates have come to believe that, in practice, fetal viability is a socially constructed and not simply a scientifically predictable status; a woman’s access to prenatal care, adequate diet, high-tech obstetric and neonatal services, and other resources has a decisive impact on when any given fetus achieves viability. Taking into account older meanings and usages of terms central to public discussion of abortion, and the ways these have changes over time, it is not only an interesting intellectual pursuit. It is an aspect of building an effective political strategy.
** pp.2-3

* Looking at abortion politics in a historical framework creates one more important opportunity: the historical evidence challenges and can even demolish the myths that have frozen much of the public discussion of abortion in a dangerous rhetoric outside of time and social context, obscuring and distorting what is at issue. 
** p.4

* Terry, Buchanan, and others broadcast the untruth that before “Roe v. Wade”, the United States was a virtually abortion-free country and thus, they say, a country with stronger family values, closer to God. The historical evidence makes clear, however, that before legalization, hundreds of thousands of women obtained abortions each year. The historical evidence forces us to recognize that the laws against abortion did not come anywhere near ending or even effectively containing the procedure, though the laws did, f course, making being a woman more dangerous in this country.
** p.4

* A related myth, promulgated by a broad spectrum of people concerned about abortion and public policy, is that before legalization abortionists were dirty and dangerous back-alley butchers. In one recently released pro-rights documentary about the illegal era, women forced  into the back alley by the law and determination to control their own fertility are portrayed as taking their lives into their hands because practitioners were all filthy mercenaries, sexual predators, or both. Again, the historical evidence does not support such claims. Rather, trial records and public health studies-two of the best historical sources for tracking a secret, criminal activity such as abortion-show astonishingly high rates of technical proficiency among criminalized abortion practitioners and surprisingly low rates o septic abortion caused by these persons. The widespread practice of self-induced abortion, on the other hand, did leave a horrible trail of morbidity and mortality. The enduring myth of the back-alley butcher has profound contemporary relevance. The anecdotal, unsubstantiated taint attached to old-time practitioners has a way of bleeding across time to infect the public and professional standing of contemporary practitioners, who, with the myth intact, are “justifiably” targeted by violent “pro-lifers,” marginalized by the medical profession, and shunned by their own communities.
** p.4

* In some ways, at the end of the twentieth century, abortion politics exists on paradoxical terrain. On the one hand, the status of abortion in the United States is more volatile than ever, dependent on a host of variables including presidential elections, the political complexion of the Supreme Court and the fifty state legislatures, and even on the political culture  of thousands of municipal police departments. On the other hand, abortion has achieved a dailiness in consciousness of Americans. Regular news reports o legislative hearings, protests, violence, legal challenges to restrictions, and other abortion-related events have kept the issue before the public in ways that were simply unimaginable a half century ago and that today push millions of Americans to consider their personal relation to the issue and take a stand.
** p.4

* It is worth noting here that my own use of the term “abortion rights”, instead of the more commonly used term “choice”, reflects a grow in recognition among advocates that “choice” is the ultimate marketplace concept.  When wee construct the abortion arena on the marketplace model, we justify the fact that millions of women in the United States cannot afford to purchase adequate or necessary reproductive health services. When we talk about “rights”-about reproductive rights, including abortion rights of all women-then we are constrained to reevaluate the kings of efforts in which venues we must pursue thee rights, as Kathryn Kolbert and Andrea Miller put it, in order to secure a “new positive rights articulation of Roe” as well as to protect the abortion rights women currently have and win back the ones already lost.
** p.9

* Finally, a theme or undercurrent that runs through all the essays in “Abortion Wars” is that the rights advocates included here, and te organizations, constituencies, caused they represent, have not lost their taste for the struggle. Despite the work and the pain involved in facing and facing down the violent opposition, despite the tragedies that has entailed, despite the harsh tasks of responding to hostile legislators while devising innovative strategies, despite the arduous efforts associated with applying the lessons of history to the process of redefining the issues that constitute the heart of the abortion rights struggle today, the voices in this volume are surprisingly energetic. At the end of the twentieth century, abortion rights-reproductive rights-remain a deeply worthy cause because achieving these rights will bolster the claim of all women to lives imbued with justice, safety, and dignity.
** p.9

* In recent years historians and activists have begun to write the history of abortion politics in the era before 1973. They have been motivated to reclaim this history in part to remind women and men in the United States how dangerous it was to be a fertile female in this country when the judiciary, the legislatures, and social agencies-but not vulnerable pregnant women had the legal right to determine who was a mother and when. Historians of this era are also determined to analyze the factors that made legalization possible in 1973, including, prominently, a massive, organized pro-rights feminist movement. The writers of the three historical essays in this section believe that understanding the waning decades of criminal abortion is important for understanding contemporary abortion politics and the opportunities before us today.
** &quot;Coercion, Resistance, and Liberation Before Roe. v. Wade&quot;, p.13

* In the late 1980s, when the  legal right to abortion seemed desperately threatened, I decided to find out as much as I could about the experience of single mothers and unwillingly pregnant girls and women in the decades immediately preceding “Roe v Wade”. I imagined that in uncovering these experiences, I would find patterns reflecting literally millions of instances of danger, coercion, humiliation, and basic degradation of females in the United States. And indeed I did. I believed that writing about these patterns-laying out the proof of degradation-would help dissipate legislative and judicial efforts to reenslave girls and women to their fertility.&lt;br&gt; Today, with the threat to reproductive freedom still a virulent strain in out political culture, I am painfully aware of the romanticism of my original intention, based as it was on the simple conviction that history is transformative. Having had such high hopes for the evidence I found in archives and trial transcripts, I neglected to consider how difficult it is to communicate history, perhaps especially this recent, decidedly unglamorous history of the politics of female fertility.&lt;br&gt; But even now that my perspective on the power of history is more clear-sighted, in the sense that I know more about how hard it is to bring history into the political and policy arenas, I remain just as certain that knowledge of the history of reproductive politics in the United States is crucial, for a number of reasons. One o the most important reasons is that history does teach that most transformative lesson: progressive social change is possible and occurs most surely and swiftly in eras of progressive activism. And, when we know the history of reproductive politics, we can better understand the roots of current conflicts in this arena. Then we who believe in women’s reproductive rigts can use this understanding to define out goals and shape our strategies. 
** “Pregnancy And Power Before Roe v. Wade, 1950-1970”, p.15

* The truth is that even when blocked by laws, institutions, and authorities, up to one million women a year sought and obtained abortions in the illegal era-though not without a struggle.
** p.16

* The contemporary history of reproductive politics in the United States begins immediately after World War II, after a period when women had joined the paid workforce in unprecedented numbers, and at a point when the issue of race was emerging as a central concern of the polity and its citizens. In the late 1940s and into the 1950s, cultural arbiters and authorities-psychiatrists, lawyers and judges, educators and employers, journalists and politicians, advertisers, the clergy, fashion designers, social service providers, and others-used the media as never before to address what had become a set of burning questions: Who is the American woman? What is a woman? Who is a mother? Most prominently published responses to these questions claimed not just that motherhood was  defining attribute of womanhood,  but that for motherhood to be an authentic expression of femininity (a postwar synonym for womanhood), it must occur within marriage. A woman, they claimed, must passively receive and submit to the “gifts” of marriage, especially pregnancy. Sensationalized public censure of females who got pregnant without being married or were otherwise unwillingly pregnant, combined with greatly increased prosecutions of illegal abortion practitioners, gave bite to prevailing definitions of womanhood and warned all women about the wages of transgression. It was in this context that various power centers mobilized to clamp down on women seeking to control their fertility and on those willing to help them do so.
** p.17

* Today, abortion practitioner in the United States are targeted and reviled by the radical right and isolated by their communities. Many wear bulletproof vests in public, and almost all have unlisted home telephone numbers. The need for such precautions is relatively recent. During the illegal era (from the mid-nineteenth century until 1973), abortion practitioners operated with varying degrees of secrecy, but they did not fear for their lives. In fact, a number of abortionists I the illegal era provided their services for years-twenty, thirty, forty years, and more-completely unimpeded by the law. In many communities, the local abortion practitioner’s name and address were well known, not only to women who might require the service but also to police and politicians, who generally regarded the presence of a good abortionist a public health asset. For decades after the American medical Association worked with state legislatures in the nineteenth century to outlaw abortion, abortion prosecutions were rare relative to the number of abortions performed. In most communities an unwritten agreement prevailed between law enforcement and practitioners: no death, no prosecution. &lt;br&gt; But after World War II the old agreement was rather suddenly canceled, and practitioners-chiefly the female ones (presumed by law enforcement to be unskilled, untrained, and unprotected in comparison to their male counterparts, and therefore more likely to be convicted)-were arrested, convicted, and sent to jail in unprecedented numbers, even when there was no evidence of a botched abortion. Many of  these practitioners were highly skilled and experienced, having performed twenty some abortions a day, year after year.
** pp.17-18

* If we look at when and how these arrests were carried out and at how abortion trials were conducted, we can get a sense of what was at issue and begin to understand the agendas of the district attorneys, judges, and politicians who managed the postwar crackdowns. In many cities what stands out is that everything about these prosecutions-the sensationalized media coerage of police raids, arrests, and trials-transformed abortion from an everyday, if semi-secret, occurrence into a crime. Often sccandal0tainted mayors and police forces were looking for opportunities to demonstrate that municipal governance and law enforcement were not ineffectual or corrupt, as charged. Many police chiefs, in concert with a district attorney’s office, an eager-crime busting reporter, or a clutch of city fathers concerned with civil probity, scouted for fodder for municipal exposes. Theirs was a peculiarly postwar-cold war project: to root out the “hidden” enemy within and “cleanse” the city in the process. I   Los Angeles, San Francisco, Cincinnati, St. Louis, Trenton, Portland, Oregon, and other cities, even though there was no expressed anti-abortion agenda (nobody raised the specter or even the subject of unborn babies), women abortionists and their clients became attractive targets. These women represented a political opportunity because they were vulnerable, with almost no resource to credible defense. Moreover, given the associations of sex and secrecy, the arrests were eciting; the lurid headlines sold newspapers and made law enforcement appear well deployed. &lt;br&gt; What one finds in the abortion courtroom is that in the postwar decades such trials became first-rate occasions for men0doctors, lawyers, judges, police, jury members-to gather in apublic place and affirm their right to govern women’s bodies, to define women’s rights, and to enforce women’s vulnerability. In addition, these trials were titillating dramas that pitted one woman against another-the alleged abortionist (case most often as a perverse and mercenary harridan) against her putative client (the slut). The whole event was drenched in sex. Whatever it occurred, the trial emerged day by day as a species of pornography, a cryptoporn show in which, in the name of the law and public morality men invoked women’s naked bodies, their sexuality, and their vulnerability in a style that was both contemptuous and erotic.
** pp.18-19

* Anyone could see that enforcing anti-abortion laws involved the degradation of women. Every woman, whether she ever had or ever would climb up on the abortionist’s table, was endangered by the statutes that criminalized abortion. &lt;br&gt; The prosecutions (and our memories of them) also carried the message that abortion practitioners were vulnerable vermin-an attitude that lives on in the anti-abortionists’ hit list, as well as in the pro-choice claim that the chief function of “Roe v. Wade” has been to protect women from the back-alley butchers of the past, despite the historical reality that most illegal  abortions were performed by highly skilled and experienced practitioners,  who compiled an astonishing record of successful procedures under extremely difficult conditions. In actuality, the power of “Roe, v. Wade” has been, since 1973, to diminish the danger and the degradation of women mandated by the anti-abortion statues of the criminal era.
** pp.19-20

* At the same time that police and politicians were busy burnishing their reputations by cracking down on illegal abortionists, medical doctors were experimenting with opportunistic and oppressive supervisory structures of their own. In the late 1940 doctors designed these structures-hospital abortion boards-to govern the meaning and the course of the pregnancies of millions of women. The boards ensured that experts, not women themselves, had final control over the abortion decision. 
** p.20

* In the postwar era, after several generations of performing abortions themselves, looking th other way, or facilitating, through referrals, illegal abortions, a great many doctors adopted an aggressive position against abortion. Before the war many women had found cooperative doctors, as evidenced by the vast number of approved medical  indications for “therapeutic abortion” (a list that kept expanding through the 1930s). Even a woman who did not have a medical problem had little trouble finding one of the hundreds of illegal practitioners who practiced undisturbed, in the shadows of cities and towns across the country. One way or another, thousands and thousands of women each year who wanted to end their pregnancies found a way. But after the war things changed. Many doctors said abortion was no longer necessary. &lt;br&gt; For one thing, the list of illnesses that doctors had defined as incompatible with pregnancy began to shrink year by year with the advent of new therapies and technologies. By the early 1950, influential physicians were standing up to make the claim that almost no medical contraindications to pregnancy remained. Even a woman with breast cancer or cardiovascular disease, who could have gotten a routine hospital abortion in the 1930s, was not told not to worry about having a baby. 
** pp.20-21

* In these postwar years, pregnancy became fundamentally a moral issue. As new imaging technology allowed doctors to construct the fetus as a “little person,” they tended to describe pregnancy “fist” as a process of fulfillment and realization for the fetus, and to refer to the pregnany woman’s bdy in terms that suggested a safe reproductive container. Now the pregnany woman,, along with her physician, had the moral duty to keep the container fit. As one obstetrician put it: “Woman is  a uterus surrounded by a supporting mechanism and a directing personality.&quot; completely effaced, the woman-as-uterus simply housed the child. &lt;br&gt; As doctors adopted and promoted these ideas, the number and the rate of therapeutic abortions performed in U.S. hospitals plummeted.
** pp.20-21

* In some ways the situation was paradoxical. On the one hand, many people believed that doctors were scientific and humanitarian heroes for subduing the dangers of pregnancy and for developing methods to conquer diseases that threatened pregnancy and the pregnant female. On the other hand, state laws still required that a pregnant woman’s life had to be endangered for her to get an abortion. Medical advances had seemingly wiped out any legal grounds for demanding abortion-but they had not changed women’s determination to get abortions, the law and their doctors’ proscriptions notwithstanding.
** p.22

* There is no question that doctors were feeling the squeeze from all sides and from within their own ranks as well. Any two doctors might disagree about which woman should be given permission for an abortion, under which conditions. Nevertheless, doctors still had a legal responsibility to make the decision. And they were still interested in holding on to their medical authority to do so. The result was that many physicians struggled to find new grounds for making medical decisions about abortions. To a significant extent, psychiatrists helped out in the crisis, providing myriad esoteric ways of selecting who should and who should not be permitted an abortion. It must be added that most of these ways were based on providing a clinical answer to the question, “Is this woman psychologically fit to be a mother?” Answers in the negative-those that gave women permission to abort-defined the petitioner as unfit, unwomanly, to some degree depraved. The means and the ends here were both degrading to women seeking to control their fertility. &lt;br&gt; Beyond this help from psychiatrists, though, physicians felt a need to create institutional structures to strengthen their position as abortion decision makers. In the late 1940s an early 1950s, they began to assemble hospital-based abortion committees. From these official groups, professional, expert diagnoses an decisions regarding individual women could be issued in one voice. The abortion committees gave doctors legal protection and ensured that the “right” ratio of births to abortions was maintained in the hospital. The ratio varied from hospital to hospital, but doctors everywhere believed that a high ratio of births to abortions would protect the reputation of their hospital. 
** p.22

* Briefly, after World War II tens of thousands of white girls and women who became pregnant outside of marriage each year were unable to determine either the course of their pregnancies or the conditions of their maternity. They were, in astonishing numbers, deeply shamed by their families removed from school, diagnosed as psychologically disturbed, and defined as not-mothers without husbands. They were pressed, even coerced, into giving up their “valuable” white babies for adoption to infertile, white, married couples prescreened and judged by social workers to be eager and proper parents.&lt;br&gt; In contrast, black girls and women who were unmarried and pregnant kept their “illegitimate” children, often with the help of their families and community-based institutions. But politicians in every region of the country began to blame unwed blac mothers for producing “excessive” numbers of “unwanted” black babies. Politicians and journalists said these babies created burdens for white taxpayers. Worse, many politicians, policy makers, and ordinary citizens began claiming at mid-century that the wombs of poor black women, excessively and wantonly fertile, were the course of all problems in the black community (including poverty, juvenile delinquency, and urban disorders) and, bu extension, in America as a whole. &lt;br&gt; Consequently, beginning in the late 1940s and continuing with increasing determination throughout the postwar decades, politicians threatened unwed mothers of color with incarceration, sterilization, and removal from welfare rolls. Social scientists and social commentators of diverse political persuasions began-at a time when the whole country was a battleground in the war of integrationists versus segregationists-to use the out-of-wedlock pregnancies of some women of color to bolster policies of white supremacy. Many used these “illegitimate” pregnancies to justify stands against school integration and for restrictive public housing policies. Numerous politicians associated welfare with oversexed black women who had too many children, thus giving focus to white opposition to government aid to poor mothers and their children, especially African Americans.
** p.27

* We can find additional roots (and lessons) in this history. To begin with, it seems to me that the poisonous attacks and deathly threats against abortion providers today depend heavily on a continuing cultural hostility to women who take the right to separate sex and maternity. The attacks also depend, just as heavily, on a misreading of the past, a misreading that says that cravenly greedy back-alley butchers were the chief source of danger to helpless women in the criminal era. Given the salacious and sensational prosecutions of illegal abortionists in the’. postwar decades it is easy to understand why so many people on all sides of the abortion issue find it reasonable to marginalize or target practitioners. They forget that it was “the law”, not illegal abortionists, that created, even mandated, danger for all women before “Roe v, Wade
** p.28

* The lessons of midcentury reproductive politics are not, however, all cautionary and grim. For example, it is instructive to know that in the late 1950s, among broadly middle-class white girls and women who got pregnant while unmarried, over 95 percent gave their babies up for adoption. Today the rate for all such girls and women is 3 percent. This is a startling change and suggests that with “Roe v. Wade”, women won more than the right to decide whether to stay pregnant. They also won the overlapping but distinct right to decide whether to become a mother. With the dramatic decline of coerced adoptions and the advent of legal abortion, many women in the United States have rights and choices that were virtually unimaginable in the recent past and certainly unobtainable. Social change is possible and, in the case of reproductive politics, was realized largely during the resurgence of the feminist movement from 1965 to 1980.&lt;br&gt; At the end of the twentieth century, racism, misogyny, and prejudice against poor people are factors that deeply stain our national culture and consequently stain the politics of female fertility.
** pp.28-29

=== &quot;Study: Abortion rate at lowest point since 1973&quot;(February 2, 2014) ===
&lt;small&gt; Somashekhar, Sandhya (February 2, 2014). [https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/study-abortion-rate-at-lowest-point-since-1973/2014/02/02/8dea007c-8a9b-11e3-833c-33098f9e5267_story.html?hpid=z2 &quot;Study: Abortion rate at lowest point since 1973&quot;]. Washington Post. &lt;/small&gt;
* The abortion rate in the United States dropped to its lowest point since the Supreme Court legalized the procedure in all 50 states, according to a study suggesting that new, long-acting contraceptive methods are having a significant impact in reducing unwanted pregnancies. &lt;br&gt; There were fewer than 17 abortions for every 1,000 women in 2011, the latest year for which figures were available, according a paper published Monday from the Guttmacher Institute, a pro-abortion-rights think tank. That is down 13 percent from 2008 and a little higher than the rate in 1973, when the Supreme Court handed down its landmark Roe v. Wade decision.
* The study did not examine the reasons for the drop. But the authors suggested that one factor was greater reliance on new kinds of birth control, including intra-uterine devices such as Mirena, which can last for years and are not susceptible to user error like daily pills or condoms. &lt;br&gt; They also noted the economy as a contributing factor, because people tend to adhere more strictly to their birth control during tough economic times. But they did not credit the recent wave of state laws restricting access to abortion, because most of those took effect in 2011 or later. &lt;br&gt; Those restrictions will surely have an impact on the numbers going forward, said Rachel K. Jones, a senior researcher at Guttmacher and lead researcher on the paper. &lt;br&gt; “If the abortion rate continues to drop, we can’t assume it’s all due to positive factors” such as better adherence to contraceptives, she said, calling the laws passed in 22 states “onerous.” 
* “We are extremely happy that the abortion numbers are going down and continue to be declining over the years,” said Carol Tobias, president of National Right to Life, a prominent antiabortion group. &lt;br.&gt; Such groups, including Tobias’s, reject the Guttmacher Institute’s conclusion that the decrease is not related to state regulations restricting access to the procedure, because while the major surge in new laws came in 2011, some laws came earlier. For example, 39 states require parental notification or consent for a minor to get an abortion. &lt;br&gt; They say the graphic conversation in the 1990s around the procedure they call “late-term” abortion contributed to a greater awareness of, and horror over, how abortions are performed. And they credit new technologies that allow people to better observe what happens in the womb even at the earliest stages of pregnancy. &lt;br&gt; “This is a post-sonogram generation,” said Charmaine Yoest, president of Americans United for Life, the group behind many of the new state limits on abortions. “There is increased awareness throughout our culture of the moral weight of the unborn baby. And that’s a good thing.”
* Guttmacher researchers said it is unlikely that previous laws had an impact, because they examined the abortion rate in more liberal states that did not enact such laws prior to 2011 and found no difference in the trend. &lt;br&gt; The study released Monday shows that, after a plateau from 2005 to 2008, the long-term decline in the abortion rate has resumed. The rate has dropped significantly from its all-time high in 1981, when there were roughly 30 abortions for every 1,000 women of reproductive age. The overall number of abortions also fell 13 percent from 2008 to nearly 1.1 million in 2011, the study said. &lt;br&gt; The results echo a report last year from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, which also found a decline in the abortion rate after a plateau. That report, which used a different methodology, pegged the abortion rate in 2010 as 14.6 abortions per 1,000 women of reproductive age. 
* Experts cautioned that the numbers documented by Guttmacher in the immediate aftermath of Roe v. Wade may be particularly shaky. Many abortions were still taking place underground and off the books at that time. &lt;br&gt; Monday’s report showed a shift in women’s preferred method of abortion. Researchers found that nearly one in four of all non-hospital abortions were a result of the abortion pill, up from 17 percent in 2008. The total number of abortion providers declined 4 percent over the same period. &lt;br&gt; Six states experienced no change or an increase in their abortion rates: Alaska, Maryland, Montana, New Hampshire, West Virginia and Wyoming. Researchers did not explain why those states defied the overall trend.

=== &quot;Hayes Center is first Nebraska town to make abortion illegal and punishable by law&quot; (April 15, 2021) ===
&lt;small&gt;  Standiford, Melanie (April 7, 2021). [https://www.1011now.com/2021/04/08/hayes-center-is-first-nebraska-town-to-make-abortion-illegal-and-punishable-by-law/ &quot;Hayes Center is first Nebraska town to make abortion illegal and punishable by law&quot;]. www.1011now.com. Retrieved April 15, 2021. &lt;/small&gt;
* Village Chair Kimberle Primavera visited with the Village of Hayes Center Board of Trustees about a month ago about a petition for the “Right to Life” in a very pro-active way. Primavera, a transplant from the Lincoln area, was intrigued and inspired by the movement sweeping across the State of Texas - 23 Texas towns passing enforceable ordinances outlawing abortion with several more in the process of working toward that end including Lubbock, Texas (population 264,000). The citizens of Lubbock are voting on outlawing abortion within their city limits on May 1, 2021. The biggest Texas town outlawing abortion to date is Big Spring, population 28,362. &lt;br&gt; According to the founder of the Sanctuary Cities for the Unborn Mark Lee Dickson of Texas, the reason for the movement is a proactive stand against the “promise by the Biden Administration to make abortion access available to every zip code in America during the administration.” Hayes Center is the only incorporated city in the 69032 zip code.
* Dickson proudly wears the badge of being the only person currently involved in three one-million-dollar lawsuits for saying on social media that: &lt;br&gt; “.....abortion is murder,” and “the abortion industry is involved in the murder of innocent children.” &lt;br&gt; Sanctuary Cities for the Unborn founder Mark Lee Dickson 
* Dickson made the trip to Hayes Center last week with a draft of an ordinance made specifically for Hayes Center. He explains that every town’s ordinance looks different depending on the town’s size and laws already in place. &lt;br&gt; Dickson also says while other towns have passed resolutions to be pro-life, a resolution does nothing to enforce the statement of “pro-life.” He wonders how the Governor of Nebraska Pete Ricketts will react to Hayes Center’s stance after regularly announcing Nebraska as a “pro-life state.”
* This new ordinance in Hayes Center is enforceable. Due to existing statutes, a $500 fine for an offense of abortion in Hayes Center is as severe as they are allowed to punish an offender. The punishment varies from city to city. &lt;br&gt; The Hayes Center Ordinance outlawing abortion declares: “It shall be unlawful for any person to procure or perform an abortion of any type and at any stage of pregnancy in the Village of Hayes Center, Nebraska,” and “It shall be unlawful for any person to knowingly aid or abet an abortion that occurs in the Village of Hayes Center, Nebraska.” &lt;br&gt; The ordinance reads that it does not include Plan B, birth control devices, or oral contraceptives. However, it does include abortion-inducing drugs. Any drugs administered by an abortion clinic with the intent to “kill an unborn” are considered contraband. According to the ordinance, these drugs include “mifepristone, misoprostol, and any drug or medication that is used to terminate the life of an unborn,” according to the ordinance. 
* If the Village of Hayes Center should find itself in a lawsuit, Attorney Jonathan F. Mitchell, former Texas Solicitor General, has agreed to represent the city at no cost to the city or taxpayers. &lt;br&gt; Dickson challenges cities and churches to start speaking for those who cannot speak for themselves and make changes and put forth efforts toward helping women when they find themselves in a difficult situation in ways that preserve life.

=== &quot;Abortion surveillance--United States, 2001&quot; (2004)  ===
&lt;small&gt; Strauss, Lilo T.; Herndon, Joy; Chang, Jeani; Parker, Wilda Y.; Bowens, Sonya V.; Zane, Suzanne B.; Berg, Cynthia J.; Berg, CJ (2004). [https://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/ss5309a1.htm &quot;Abortion surveillance--United States, 2001&quot;]. Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report. 53 (9): 1–32. PMID 15562258. &lt;/small&gt;
* Results: A total of 853,485 legal induced abortions were reported to CDC for 2001 from 49 reporting areas, representing a 0.5% decrease from the 857,475 legal induced abortions reported by the same 49 reporting areas for 2000. The abortion ratio, defined as the number of abortions per 1,000 live births, was 246 in 2001, compared with 245 reported for 2000. This represents a 0.4% increase in the abortion ratio. The abortion rate was 16 per 1,000 women aged 15--44 years for 2001, the same as for 2000. For both the 48 and 49 reporting areas, the abortion rate remained relatively constant during 1997--2001.  &lt;br&gt; The highest percentages of reported abortions were for women who were unmarried (82%), white (55%) and aged &lt;25 years (52%). Of all abortions for which gestational age was reported, 59% were performed at &lt;8 weeks' gestation and 88% at &lt;13 weeks. From 1992 (when detailed data regarding early abortions were first collected) through 2001, steady increases have occurred in the percentage of abortions performed at &lt;6 weeks' gestation. A limited number of abortions were obtained at &gt;15 weeks' gestation, including 4.3% at 16--20 weeks and 1.4% at &gt;21 weeks. A total of 35 reporting areas submitted data stating that they performed medical (nonsurgical) procedures, making up 2.9% of all reported procedures from the 45 areas with adequate reporting on type of procedure. In 2000 (the most recent year for which data are available), 11 women died as a result of complications from known legal induced abortion. No deaths were associated with known illegal abortion. 
* Interpretation: During 1990--1997, the number of legal induced abortions gradually declined. When the same 48 reporting areas are compared, the number of abortions decreased during 1996--2001. In 2000 and 2001, even with one additional reporting state, the number of abortions declined slightly. In 2000, as in previous years, deaths related to legal induced abortions occurred rarely (less than one death per 100,000 abortions). 
* Overall, the annual number of legal induced abortions in the United States increased gradually from 1973 until it peaked in 1990, and it generally declined thereafter. In 2001, a total of 853,485 legal induced abortions were reported to CDC by 49 reporting areas. This represents a 0.5% decrease from 2000, for which the same 49 areas reported 857,475 legal induced abortions. &lt;br&gt; The national legal induced abortion ratio increased from 196 per 1,000 live births in 1973 (the first year that 52 areas reported) to 358 per 1,000 in 1979 and remained nearly stable through 1981. The ratio peaked at 364 per 1,000 in 1984 and since then has demonstrated a generally steady decline. In 2001, the abortion ratio was 246 per 1,000 in 49 reporting areas and 247 for the same 48 reporting areas for which data were available since 1998. This represents a 0.4% increase from 2000 (246 per 1,000).  &lt;br&gt; The national legal induced abortion rate increased from 14 per 1,000 women aged 15--44 years in 1973 to 25 per 1,000 in 1980. The rate remained stable, at 23--24 per 1,000 during the 1980s and early 1990s and at 20--21 per 1,000 during 1994-- 1997. The abortion rate remained unchanged at 17 per 1,000 during 1997--1999 in the same 48 reporting areas. In 2001, the abortion rate remained unchanged from 2000 at 16 per 1,000, both overall and in the same 48 reporting areas as 1999. 
* The numbers, ratios, and rates of reported legal induced abortions are presented by area of residence as well as by area of occurrence. In 2001, the highest number of reported legal induced abortions occurred in NYC (91,792), Florida (85,589), and Texas (77,409); the fewest† occurred in Idaho (738), South Dakota (895), and North Dakota (1,216). The abortion ratios by state or area of occurrence ranged from 36 per 1,000 live births in Idaho to 767 per 1,000 in NYC. Among women aged 15--44 years, the rates by occurrence ranged from 3 per 1,000 women in Idaho to 37 per 1,000 in DC. These ratios and rates should be viewed with consideration of the sizable variation by state in the percentage of abortions obtained by out-of-state residents. In 2001, approximately 9% of reported abortions were obtained by out-of-state residents (range: from 0.3% [in Hawaii] to 56% [in DC]). Data by state of residence are incomplete because three states (Alaska, California, and New Hampshire) did not report any data on abortion, and six states (Arizona, Florida, Iowa, Louisiana, Massachusetts, and Wisconsin) did not provide data concerning the residence status of all women obtaining abortions in their state.  &lt;br&gt; Women known to be aged 20--24 years obtained 33% of all abortions for which age was adequately reported. Adolescents known to be aged &lt;15 years obtained &lt;1.0% of all abortions in the 48 areas that reported age. Abortion ratios were highest for adolescents aged &lt;15 years (744 per 1,000 live births) and lowest for women aged 30--34 years (147 per 1,000). In contrast to abortion ratios, among females for whom age was reported, abortion rates were highest for women aged 20--24 years (32 per 1,000 women) and lowest for females at the extremes of reproductive age (1 per 1,000 adolescents aged 13--14 years and 2 per 1,000 women aged 40--44 years). Among women aged &lt;20 years (46 reporting areas), the percentage of abortions obtained increased with age; the abortion ratio was highest for adolescents aged &lt;15 years§ (731 per 1,000 live births) and lowest for women aged 19 years (326 per 1,000). Conversely, the rates of abortions were lowest (1 per 1,000) for adolescents aged &lt;15 years and highest (29 per 1,000) for women aged 19 years). 
* Abortion trends by age indicate that since 1973, abortion ratios have been higher for adolescents aged &lt;15 years than for any other age group. For females aged &lt;19 years and those aged &gt;40 years, the abortion ratio generally increased from 1974 through the early 1980s and declined thereafter. The abortion ratio for women aged 20--34 years (those with the highest fertility rates)  has declined slightly since the mid-1980s. The abortion ratio for women aged 35--39 years has declined gradually over time.  &lt;br&gt; In 2001, for women whose weeks of gestation at the time of abortion were adequately reported (42 reporting areas), 59% of reported legal induced abortions were known to have been obtained at &lt;8 weeks' gestation and 87% at &lt;13 weeks. Overall (40 reporting areas), 25% of abortions were known to have been performed at &lt;6 weeks' gestation, 18% at 7 weeks, and 16% at 8 weeks. Few reported abortions occurred after 15 weeks' gestation: 4.2% at 16--20 weeks and 1.4% at &gt;21 weeks. 
* For women whose type of procedure was adequately reported, 95% of abortions were known to have been performed by curettage (which includes dilatation and evacuation [D&amp;E]) and 0.5% by intrauterine instillation. Hysterectomy and hysterotomy were included in the &quot;other&quot; procedure category and were known to have been used in &lt;0.01% of all abortions. Thirty-five reporting areas submitted information regarding performance of medical (nonsurgical) procedures, hereafter referred to as medical abortions. Known medical abortions make up approximately 3% of all procedures reported from the 45 areas with adequate reporting on type of procedure. Additionally, three areas that did not collect data separately for medical abortions on their abortion reporting form included medical abortions in the &quot;other&quot; category. For the 32 areas that reported medical abortions separately, 20,093 medical abortion procedures were performed in 2001. (Five states reported that no medical abortions were performed in 2001 but did not specify whether such abortions were available.) For the 27 states that reported one or more medical abortion for both 2001 and 2000, the data reflect an increase of 173%, from 6,892 in 2000 to 18,836 in 2001. The extent to which the 20,093 medical abortions reported to CDC for 2001 represent the use of this procedure in all reporting areas is unknown. 
* In the 39 reporting areas for which race was provided classified according to the same categories used in previous years, approximately 54% of women who obtained legal induced abortions were known to be white, 36% black, and 8% other; for the other 2%, race was not known. The abortion ratio for black women (491 per 1,000 live births) was 3.0 times the ratio for white women (165 per 1,000), and the ratio for women of the nonhomogenous &quot;other&quot; race category (376 per 1,000) was 2.3 times the ratio for white women. The abortion rate for black women (29 per 1,000 women) was 3.0 times the rate for white women (10 per 1,000) whereas the abortion rate for women of other races (21 per 1,000 women) was 2.1 times the rate for white women. 
* NYC and 31 states reported separate and adequate data on the ethnicity of women who obtained legal induced abortions. The percentage of abortions known to have been obtained by Hispanic women in these reporting areas was 17% overall (range: from &lt;0.1% [in Kentucky] to 49% [in New Mexico]). For Hispanic women in these reporting areas, the abortion ratio was 230 per 1,000 live births, and the abortion rate was 22 per 1,000 women.  &lt;br&gt; For women whose marital status was adequately reported (39 reporting areas), 79% of women who obtained abortions were known to be unmarried. The abortion ratio for unmarried women (572 per 1,000 live births) was 8.8 times that for married women (65 per 1,000).  
* For women who obtained legal induced abortions and for whom data on previous live births were adequately reported (41 reporting areas), 45% were known to have had no previous live births, and 88% had two or more previous live births. The abortion ratio was highest for women who had either no or three previous live births (264 per 1,000 live births) and lowest for those who had one previous live birth (180 per 1,000).  &lt;br&gt; For women who obtained an abortion and whose number of previous abortions was adequately reported (39 reporting areas), 55% were reported to have obtained an abortion for the first time, and 18% were reported to have had at least two previous abortions. 
* For women whose age and race were known (37 reporting areas), white women had a slightly greater percentage of abortions in the youngest (&lt;19 years) and oldest (&gt;35 years) age groups compared with black women (18% versus 17% and 12% versus 9%, respectively), whereas women of other races who had abortions tended to be older. For women whose marital status and race were both known, the percentage of reported abortions among unmarried black women was higher (88%) than that among unmarried women who were white (79%) or of other races (65%). Among older (aged &gt;35 years) women obtaining abortions whose age and ethnicity were known and reported adequately (32 reporting areas), the percentage of abortions obtained by non-Hispanic women (12%) exceeded that for Hispanic women (10%). Among women whose marital status and ethnicity were known and reported adequately (30 reporting areas), the percentage of reported abortions obtained by unmarried women was somewhat higher for non-Hispanic women (82%) than for Hispanic women (80%). Adequate data were not available to cross-classify race by Hispanic ethnicity. 
* As in the past, approximately 88% of all abortions for which gestational age at the time of abortion was known and reported adequately were obtained at &lt;12 weeks' gestation. The percentage of women who obtained an abortion at &lt;8 weeks' gestation increased with age. This association was most pronounced for abortions obtained at &lt;6 weeks' gestation. The percentage of women who obtained an abortion at &gt;21 weeks' gestation decreased with age for women through age 25--29 years. Among women with adequately reported race and weeks of gestation, white women and women of other races were more likely than black women to obtain abortions at &lt;6--7 weeks' gestation. Among women with adequately reported known ethnicity and weeks of gestation, the difference in timing of their abortions between Hispanic and non-Hispanic women was minimal (0.1%--1.9%) at any gestational age. 
* For women whose type of procedure and weeks of gestation were known and adequately reported (38 reporting areas), approximately 96% of reported abortions obtained at &lt;15 weeks' gestation were performed by using curettage (primarily suction procedures). Approximately 95% of the 16,183 reported medical abortions were performed at &lt;8 weeks' gestation, representing 4.6% of all abortions performed at &lt;8 weeks' gestation. At &gt;16 weeks' gestation, medical abortions (n = 496) made up 1.5% of all abortions. Medical abortions constituted 0.1% of procedures performed in the 9--15 weeks' gestation range. Intrauterine instillation involving use of saline or prostaglandin was used rarely (0.2% of all abortions), primarily at &gt;16 weeks' gestation. 
* By using data from the National Pregnancy Mortality Surveillance System, CDC identified 22 maternal deaths for 2000 that were potentially related to abortion. These maternal deaths were identified either by an indication of abortion on the death certificate or from information such as a news report associated with the death. Investigation of these cases indicated that 11 of the 22 deaths in 2000 were related to legal induced abortion and none to illegal induced abortion; eight deaths were attributable to spontaneous abortion (miscarriage), and three deaths were determined not to be abortion related. Numbers of deaths attributable to legal induced abortion were highest before the 1980s, with a limited number of deaths occurring in any single year. Possible abortion-related deaths that occurred during 2001--2004 are being investigated. 
* A total of 853,485 legal induced abortions were reported in the United States in 2001 from 47 states, DC, and NYC. This reflects a decline of 0.5% from the number of legal induced abortions reported for 2000 from the same reporting areas; however, the ratio increased 0.4%. A decline of 0.5% in the number of abortions is also apparent when the same 48 reporting areas that reported for all years 1998--2001 are compared with those that reported for 2000--2001. Before 1998, a substantial number of legal induced abortions were estimated to have been performed in California (e.g., &gt;23% of the U.S. total in 1997). Beginning in 1998, data were no longer estimated for nonreporting states. The lack of data for California for 2001 explains the majority of the 28% decrease from the annual number of abortions reported for 1997 as well as part of the decrease in the total ratio and rate. 
* Overall, abortion ratios and abortion rates have declined over time. The abortion ratio for 2001 (246 per 1,000 live births for the same 49 reporting areas as 2000) remained relatively stable from the previous year. For the same 49 reporting areas as 2000, the abortion rate for women aged 15--44 years (16 per 1,000 women) declined slightly (0.8%) from the rate reported for 2000. The overall declines in the abortion ratio and rate over time might reflect multiple factors, including a decrease in the number of unintended pregnancies; a shift in the age distribution of women toward the older and less fertile ages; reduced or limited access to abortion services, including the passage of abortion laws that affect adolescents (e.g. parental consent or notification laws and mandatory waiting periods); and changes in contraceptive practices, including increased use of contraceptives (e.g., condoms and, among young women, of long-acting hormonal contraceptive methods that were introduced in the early 1990s).  &lt;br&gt; The abortion rate reported here for the United States was higher than recent rates reported for Canada and Western European countries and lower than rates reported for China, Cuba, the majority of Eastern European countries, and certain Newly Independent States of the former Soviet Union. 
* As in previous years, the abortion ratio in 2001 varied substantially by age. Although the abortion ratio was highest for adolescents in 2001, since the mid-1980s, the ratio has gradually declined for those aged &lt;15 and 15--19 years. Other studies also have indicated a decrease in birth rates for females aged 10--14 and 15--19 years during 1991--2001 and a decrease in adolescent pregnancy rates during 1991--2000. However, abortion rates have not decreased equally among women of all races and ethnicities; rates are declining more slowly among adolescents who are not enrolled in school and those that are members of minority populations. 
* The percentage distribution of abortions by known weeks of gestation has shifted slightly since the late 1970s. From 1992 (when detailed data on early abortions were first available) through 2001, data have indicated steady increases in procedures performed at &lt;6 weeks' gestation with decreases occurring in the percentage of abortions performed at 8, 9--10, and 11--12 weeks' gestation. The increase in the percentage of abortions known to have been performed at &lt;6 weeks' gestation might be related to an increase in the availability of early abortion services since 1992 and an increase in medical and surgical procedures that can be performed early in gestation. Abortions performed early in pregnancy are associated with lower risks of mortality and morbidity. The proportions of abortions performed later in pregnancy (&gt;13 weeks) have varied little since 1992. The gestational age at which an abortion is obtained can be influenced by multiple factors in addition to those for which surveillance data are available (age, race, and ethnicity). These additional factors include level of education, availability and accessibility of abortion services, timing of confirmation of pregnancy, timing of personal decision-making, timing of prenatal diagnosis, level of fear of discovery of pregnancy, and denial of pregnancy. 
* Since the mid-1990s, two medical regimens (mifepristone and methotrexate, each used in conjunction with misoprostol) have been tested in clinical trials and used by clinical practitioners to perform early medical abortions (3. CDC surveillance data indicate that approximately 60% of all U.S. abortions are performed at &lt;8 weeks' gestation, which is similar to the timing of the regimen approved for both mifepristone and methotrexate. Mifepristone for medical abortion was approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) for use and distribution in the United States in September 2000. The FDA-approved protocol can be initiated at &lt;49 days of gestation and requires three office visits by the patient: administration of oral mifepristone, followed 48 hours later by oral misoprostol in the health-care provider's office, and a follow-up visit in approximately 14 days. Clinical studies of alternative medical abortion regimens have been performed in multiple countries and are ongoing. 
* The percentage of abortions known to be performed by curettage increased from 88% in 1973 to &gt;96% since 1980, whereas the percentage of abortions performed by intrauterine instillation declined sharply, from 10% to &lt;1% since 1989. The increase in use of D&amp;E is likely attributable to the lower risk for complications associated with the procedure. The percentage of abortions performed by D&amp;E (curettage) at &gt;13 weeks' gestation increased from 31% in 1974 (the first year for which these data were available) to 96% in 2001, and the percentage of abortions performed by intrauterine instillation at &gt;13 weeks' gestation decreased from 57% to 1.1%; the percentage of medical abortions increased from 1.0% in 2000 to 2.9% in 2001. &lt;br&gt; The differential between the abortion ratio for black women and that for white women increased from 2.0 in 1989 (the first year for which black and other races were reported separately) to 3.0 in 2001. In addition, the abortion rate for black women has been approximately three times as high as that for white women (range: 2.6--3.1) since 1991 (the first year for which rates by race were published). These rates by race are substantially lower than rates previously published by NCHS and indicate that the reporting areas for the 2001 report might not be truly representative of the U.S. black female population of reproductive age. Census Bureau estimates and birth certificate data indicate that a substantial majority of Hispanic women report themselves as white. Therefore, data for certain white women represent white women of Hispanic ethnicity. 
* In 2001, a total of 39 states, DC, and NYC reported Hispanic ethnicity of women who obtained abortions. Because of concerns regarding the completeness of such data (&gt;15% unknown data) in certain states, in 2001, data from only 31 states and NYC were used to determine the number and percentage of abortions obtained by women of Hispanic ethnicity. These geographic areas represent approximately 44% of reproductive-age Hispanic women in the United States for 2001 and approximately 44% of U.S. Hispanic births. Thus, the number of Hispanic women who obtained abortions was underestimated, and the number, ratio, and rate of abortions for Hispanic women in this report are not generalizable to the overall Hispanic population in the United States.  &lt;br&gt; Abortion ratios for both Hispanic and non-Hispanic women have declined considerably since 1992 (25% and 29%, respectively). As in the past, the abortion rate for Hispanic women was higher (22 per 1,000 women) than the rate for non-Hispanic women (14 per 1,000). This finding is consistent with those of other studies published previously by NCHS. The reporting areas for the 2001 report might not be fully representative of the U.S. Hispanic female population of reproductive age. Race- and ethnicity-specific differences in legal induced abortion ratios and rates might reflect differences among populations in socioeconomic status, access to family planning and contraceptive services, contraceptive use, and incidence of unintended pregnancies.  &lt;br&gt; NCHS vital statistics reports indicate that fertility and live birth rates were substantially higher for Hispanic women as a whole than for non-Hispanic women for all age groups in 2001. However, because fertility and live birth rates differ substantially among both the different Hispanic (i.e., Mexican, Puerto Rican, Cuban, and other Hispanic) and non-Hispanic (white, black, and other) subpopulations, comparisons between Hispanic and non-Hispanic populations are of limited value. Available abortion surveillance data do not permit cross-classification of race by Hispanic ethnicity. 
* Despite efforts to collect and provide a cross-classification of race and ethnicity for this report in compliance with OMB Directive 15, which specifies federal standards for the collection of data on race and ethnicity, only 28 states (accounting for 39% of the total number of reported abortions) were able to provide adequate data for use of the recommended race categories. Because 11 states could not adequately break down the data by ethnicity, the racial breakdown was analyzed for all ethnicities. Moreover, three recommended racial categories (Asian, Native Hawaiian or other Pacific Islander, and American Indian or Alaskan Native) had to be combined into one category of &quot;other&quot; to accommodate overlapping categories provided by multiple states. For these reasons, no additional information about race or ethnicity was obtained as a result of attempts to cross-classify the data. 
* In 1972, a total of 24 women died from causes known to be associated with legal abortions, and 39 died as a result of known illegal abortions. In 2000, a total of 11 women died as a result of legal induced abortions, and none died as a result of illegal induced abortions. The number of legal induced abortion-related deaths identified for all 52 reporting areas for 2000 is similar to the numbers reported for the previous 24 years. However, national case-fatality rates for 1998--2000 cannot be calculated because a substantial number of abortions occurred in nonreporting states (four states in 1998 and 1999 and three states in 2000), and the total number of abortions (the denominator) is unknown. 
* A reduction in the number of unintended pregnancies, and thus in the number of abortions, will require adapting complex strategies. In a study of abortion patients conducted during 2000--2001, a total of 54% of patients reported that they were using contraception during the month they became pregnant. However, their use of contraception might have been inconsistent or incorrect (18). In 1995, the year for which the most recent National Survey of Family Growth (NSFG) data are available, approximately 29% of sexually active U.S. women who used only oral contraceptives for birth control reported that they had missed a birth-control pill more than once during the 3 months before their NSFG interview. In addition, approximately 33% of U.S. women who were using only coitus-dependent contraceptive methods†† during the 3 months before the interview used these methods inconsistently. Coverage of reversible contraception has increased substantially since 1993 although gaps in coverage remain substantial. Education regarding abstinence and contraceptive use and practices, combined with access to and education regarding safe, effective, contraception and family planning services, might help reduce the incidence of unintended pregnancy and, therefore, the number of legal induced abortions in the United States. 

===  &quot;Abortion surveillance – United States, 2003&quot; (2006) === 
&lt;small&gt; Strauss, L.T.; Gamble, S.B.; Parker, W.Y.; Cook, D.A.; Zane, S.B.; Hamdan, S.; Centers for Disease Control Prevention (2006). &quot;Abortion surveillance – United States, 2003&quot;. Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report Surveillance Summaries. 55 (SS11): 1–32. PMID 17119534. [https://web.archive.org/web/20170602171423/https:/www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/ss5511a1.htm  Archived]  from the original on 2 June 2017. &lt;/small&gt;
* Results: A total of 848,163 legal induced abortions were reported to CDC for 2003 from 49 reporting areas, representing a 0.7% decline from the 854,122 legal induced abortions reported by 49 reporting areas for 2002. The abortion ratio, defined as the number of abortions per 1,000 live births, was 241 in 2003, a decrease from the 246 in 2002. The abortion rate was 16 per 1,000 women aged 15--44 years for 2003, the same as for 2002. For the same 47 reporting areas, the abortion rate remained relatively constant during 1998--2003. During 2001--2002 (the most recent years for which data are available), 15 women died as a result of complications from known legal induced abortion. One death was associated with known illegal abortion.  &lt;br&gt; The highest percentages of reported abortions were for women who were unmarried (82%), white (55%), and aged &lt;25 years (51%). Of all abortions for which gestational age was reported, 61% were performed at &lt;8 weeks' gestation and 88% at &lt;13 weeks. From 1992 (when detailed data regarding early abortions were first collected) through 2002, steady increases have occurred in the percentage of abortions performed at &lt;6 weeks' gestation, with a slight decline in 2003. A limited number of abortions were obtained at &gt;15 weeks' gestation, including 4.2% at 16--20 weeks and 1.4% at &gt;21 weeks. A total of 36 reporting areas submitted data documenting that they performed and enumerated medical (nonsurgical) procedures, making up 8.0% of all known reported procedures from the 45 areas with adequate reporting on type of procedure. 
* Public Health Action: Abortion surveillance in the United States continues to provide the data necessary for examining trends in numbers and characteristics of women who obtain legal induced abortions and to increase understanding of this pregnancy outcome. Policymakers and program planners use these data to improve the health and well-being of women and infants. 
* Overall, the annual number of legal induced abortions in the United States increased gradually from 1973 to 1990 (peak point) and then generally declined thereafter. In 2003, a total of 848,163 legal induced abortions were reported to CDC by 49 reporting areas. This change represents a 0.7% decline from 2002, for which 49 areas reported 854,122 legal induced abortions.  &lt;br&gt; The national legal induced abortion ratio increased from 196 per 1,000 live births in 1973 (the first year that 52 areas reported) to 358 per 1,000 in 1979 and remained nearly stable through 1981. The ratio peaked at 364 per 1,000 in 1984 and since then has demonstrated a generally steady decline. In 2003, the abortion ratio was 241 per 1,000 in 49 reporting areas and 243 for the same 47 reporting areas for which data were available since 1998.  &lt;br&gt; The national legal induced abortion rate increased from 14 per 1,000 women aged 15--44 years in 1973 to 25 per 1,000 in 1980. The rate remained stable at 23--24 per 1,000 during the 1980s and early 1990s and at 20--21 per 1,000 during 1994--1997. The abortion rate remained unchanged at 17 per 1,000 during 1998--1999 and at 16 per 1,000 during 2000--2002, both overall and in the same 47 reporting areas. In 2003, the abortion rate remained unchanged overall at 16 per 1,000 and decreased to 15 per 1,000 in the 47 reporting areas. 
* Women aged 20--24 years obtained 33% of all abortions for which age was adequately reported. Adolescents aged &lt;15 years obtained &lt;1.0% of all abortions in the 48 areas that reported age. Among the 48 reporting areas, age was not reported for 0.6% of patients; however, this percentage ranged from 0 (in 19 areas) to 4.6% (Nevada). Abortion ratios were highest for adolescents aged &lt;15 years (830 per 1,000 live births) and lowest for women aged 30--34 years (144 per 1,000). In contrast to abortion ratios, among females for whom age was reported, abortion rates were highest for women aged 20--24 years (31 per 1,000 women) and lowest for females at the extremes of reproductive age (1 per 1,000 adolescents aged 13--14 years and 3 per 1,000 women aged 40--44 years). Among women aged &lt;20 years (46 reporting areas), the percentage of abortions obtained increased with age; the abortion ratio, however, was highest for adolescents aged &lt;15 years§ (828 per 1,000 live births) and lowest for women aged 19 years (328 per 1,000). Conversely, the rates of abortions were lowest (1 per 1,000) for adolescents aged &lt;15 years and highest (27 per 1,000) for women aged 19 years. 
* A total of 848,163 legal induced abortions were reported in the United States for 2003 from 47 states, DC, and NYC, which reflects a decline of 0.7% from the number of legal induced abortions reported for 2002. After five previous annual decreases, a slight increase of 0.1% in the number of abortions occurred in 2002, with another decline of 0.7% in 2003, also apparent when the same 47 reporting areas that reported for all years, 1998--2003, are compared with those that reported for 2001--2003. Before 1998, a substantial number of legal induced abortions were estimated to have been performed in California (e.g., &gt;23% of the U.S. total in 1997). Beginning in 1998, data were no longer estimated for nonreporting states. The lack of data for California for 2003 largely explains the majority of the 28% decrease from the annual number of abortions reported for 1997 and part of the decrease in the total ratio and rate. &lt;br&gt; Overall, abortion ratios and abortion rates have declined over time until 2002. The abortion ratio for 2003 (241 per 1,000 live births for 49 reporting areas) decreased from the previous year's ratio of 246. For the same reporting areas as 2000--2002, the abortion rate for women aged 15--44 years (16 per 1,000 women) remained identical to the rate reported since 2000 and then was 15 per 1,000 women for 2003. The overall declines in the reported abortion ratio and rate over time might reflect multiple factors, including a decrease in the number of unintended pregnancies; a shift in the age distribution of women toward the older and less fertile ages; reduced or limited access to abortion services, including the passage of abortion laws that affect adolescents (e.g., parental consent or notification laws and mandatory waiting periods); and changes in contraceptive practices, including increased use of contraceptives (e.g., condoms and, among young women, increased use of long-acting hormonal contraceptive methods that were introduced in the early 1990s). &lt;br&gt; The findings in this report indicated that the abortion rate for the United States was higher than recent rates reported for Canada and Western European countries. Lower rates were reported for China, Cuba, the majority of Eastern European countries, and certain Newly Independent States of the former Soviet Union. 
* The percentage distribution of abortions by known weeks of gestation has shifted slightly since the late 1970s. From 1992 (when detailed data on early abortions were first available) through 2002, data have indicated steady increases in procedures performed at &lt;6 weeks' gestation, with a minimal increase in 2003. Data have also indicated decreases in the percentage of abortions performed at 8 and 9--10 weeks' and for 11--12 weeks' gestation from 1992 through 2002, with a slight increase in 2003. The increase in the percentage of abortions known to have been performed at &lt;6 weeks' gestation might be related to an increase in the availability of early abortion services since 1992 and an increase in medical and surgical procedures that can be performed early in gestation. Abortions performed early in pregnancy are associated with lower risks of mortality and morbidity. The proportions of abortions performed later in pregnancy (&gt;13 weeks) have varied minimally since 1992. The gestational age at which an abortion is obtained can be influenced by multiple factors in addition to those for which surveillance data are available (i.e., age, race, and ethnicity). These additional factors include level of education, availability and accessibility of abortion services, timing of confirmation of pregnancy, timing of personal decision-making, timing of prenatal diagnosis, level of fear of discovery of pregnancy, and denial of pregnancy. 
* The percentage of abortions known to be performed by curettage increased from 88% in 1973 to &gt;96% from 1980--2001 and then decreased to 90% in 2003, whereas the percentage of abortions performed by intrauterine instillation declined sharply, from 10% to &lt;1% since 1989. The increase in use of curettage at &gt;13 weeks' gestation is likely attributable to the lower risk for complications associated with the procedure. The percentage of abortions performed by curettage at &gt;13 weeks' gestation (D&amp;E) increased from 31% in 1974 (the first year for which these data were available) to 97% in 2003, and the percentage of abortions performed by intrauterine instillation at &gt;13 weeks' gestation decreased from 57% to 0.6%; the percentage of medical abortions increased from 1.0% in 2000 to 7.7% in 2003. 
* Compared with the early 1970s, the annual number of deaths associated with known legal induced abortion in the early 2000s has decreased by approximately two thirds. In 1972, a total of 24 women died from causes known to be associated with legal abortions, and 39 died as a result of known illegal abortions. No more than two deaths have occurred as a result of known illegal abortion in any year since 1979. In 2002, nine women died as a result of legal induced abortion, and none died as a result of illegal induced abortion. National case-fatality rates for 1998--2002 cannot be calculated because a substantial number of the abortions occurred in nonreporting states (four states in 1998 and 1999 and three states in 2000, 2001, and 2002), and, therefore, the total number of abortions (the denominator) is unknown. 
* [F]indings from ongoing national surveillance of legal induced abortion are useful for at least six purposes. First, public health agencies use data from abortion surveillance to identify characteristics of women who are at high risk for unintended pregnancy. Second, ongoing annual surveillance is used to monitor trends in the number, ratio, and rate of abortions in the United States. Third, statistics regarding the number of pregnancies ending in abortion are used in conjunction with birth data and fetal death computations to estimate pregnancy rates (e.g., pregnancy rates among adolescents). Fourth, abortion and pregnancy rates can be used to evaluate the effectiveness of family planning programs and programs for preventing unintended pregnancy. Fifth, ongoing surveillance provides data for assessing changes in clinical practice patterns related to abortion (e.g., longitudinal changes in the types of procedures and trends in weeks of gestation at the time of abortion). Finally, numbers of abortions are used as the denominator in calculating abortion mortality rates (35).
* More than one in five U.S. pregnancies have ended in abortion, according to a national sample survey conducted by AGI during 2001--2002 among all known U.S. abortion providers. Inconsistent method use of the pill (75.9%) or condoms (49.3%) were the most common reason for unintended pregnancy reported by women obtained abortions. Unintended pregnancy is a pervasive public health problem for all population subgroups and women of reproductive age. 

=== &quot;Alabama House passes bill that would make abortion a felony&quot;( May 2, 2019) ===
&lt;small&gt; Stracqualursi, Veronica (May 1, 2019). [https://www.cnn.com/2019/05/01/politics/alabama-house-abortion-bill/index.html &quot;Alabama House passes bill that would make abortion a felony&quot;]. CNN. Retrieved May 2, 2019. &lt;/small&gt;
* The Alabama House, with an eye on challenging the US Supreme Court’s decision in Roe v. Wade, has passed a bill that, if signed into law, would criminalize abortion.  &lt;br&gt; HB 314, which passed the GOP-controlled House on Tuesday in a 74-3 vote, would make abortion a Class A felony, which carries a maximum prison sentence of 99 years, and attempted abortion a Class C felony, which holds a sentence of up to 10 years in prison.  &lt;br&gt; All Republicans voted in favor of the bill, except for two who didn’t vote. Nearly all Democratic House members chose not to vote, walking out of the House chamber in protest.  &lt;br&gt; Republican state Rep. Terri Collins, the bill’s sponsor, said when she introduced the bill last month that the measure would provide “a vehicle to revisit the constitutionally-flawed Roe v. Wade decision,” WKRG reported. 
* Assistant Minority Leader Merika Coleman, who is also a Democrat, proposed an amendment that would use the salaries of Alabama lawmakers who vote in favor of HB 314 to foot the bill for any costs and expenses incurred by the state related to any legal challenge.  &lt;br&gt;  “Roe v. Wade is the supreme law of the land. Because it is, we already know that this piece of legislation is going to be deemed unconstitutional,” Coleman said in a press conference on Tuesday. 
* Senate President Pro Tempore Del Marsh, who is a Republican, said last week that he’s always held the “position on any pro-life bill that you have to take consideration of rape, incest and the health of the mother,” the Montgomery Advertiser reported.  &lt;br&gt; “I’ve got a little bit of a problem and I want to talk to the sponsor and understand where this direction is,” Marsh said, according to the newspaper. 
* The American Civil Liberties Union of Alabama said it hopes the Senate will be “more reasonable” and not pass the bill, but made clear it intends to sue if the bill progresses.  &lt;br&gt; “We are disappointed that the Alabama House passed HB314 despite the fact it would criminalize abortion and interfere with a woman’s personal, private medical decisions,” the group said in a statement.  &lt;br&gt; “It is unfortunate that members of the House are putting their personal beliefs ahead of what’s in the best interest of our state. The people of Alabama are paying the bill for unconstitutional legislation and we hope that the Senate members will realize its detrimental impact and stop this bill from becoming law. Otherwise it will be challenged in federal court.” 

=== &quot;Abortion Reform in Washington State - HistoryLink.org&quot;  ===
&lt;small&gt; Cassandra Tate, [https://www.historylink.org/File/5313 &quot;Abortion Reform in Washington State - HistoryLink.org&quot;]. www.historylink.org. &lt;/small&gt;
* On November 3, 1970, Washington voters approved Referendum 20, which legalized abortion in the early months of pregnancy. Fifteen other states had liberalized their abortion laws by that time, but Washington was the first -- and so far the only -- state to do so through a vote of the people. It was a triumphant moment in a campaign that had its genesis in 1967, in the office of Seattle psychologist Samuel Goldenberg (1921-2011), who had been asked to help two patients, one middle-aged and the other a young college student, both desperate for a way to end an unwanted pregnancy.
* The options available to women seeking abortions in Washington in the late 1960s were limited. Well-connected women could obtain legal, “therapeutic” abortions by convincing a hospital committee of physicians that the procedure was medically necessary. Wealthy women could travel to a foreign country where abortion was legal. One Seattle travel agency specialized in arranging trips to Japan, where, for $1,000, a woman could obtain a safe, legal abortion, in a four-day stay that included one day for sightseeing. Less fortunate women could try to access an underground network of people willing to perform illegal abortions. The lucky might be referred to a skilled physician, such as Dr. A. Frans Koome of Renton, who thought the existing law was unfair and was willing to defy it. The unlucky might end up like Raisa Trytiak, a 24-year-old Seattle woman who was strangled and left in a garbage dump after a botched abortion on February 7, 1967.
* Until the late nineteenth century, no state restricted the termination of pregnancy before “quickening,” the point at which a pregnant woman can feel the movements of the fetus (approximately the fourth month of pregnancy). The legal attitudes toward pregnancy and abortion were based on an understanding of human development as a process rather than an absolute moment. What would be defined today as an early induced abortion was not even called abortion then; it was said instead that a pregnancy had “slipped away,” or that the woman’s menses had been “restored” (Reagan, 8).  &lt;br&gt; The Washington Territorial Legislature adopted its first abortion-related statute in 1854. The law made it illegal to “administer to any woman pregnant with a quick child any medicine, drug, or substance whatever; or use or employ any instrument or other means with intent to destroy such child, unless the same shall have been necessary to preserve the life of such mother” (Sec. 37, p. 81, Laws of Washington, 1854). The law was revised slightly in 1869, 1873, and 1881, but the stipulation about quickening was not removed until 1909. In that year, a new law made it a crime for anyone, including the prospective mother, to terminate any pregnancy unless necessary to save the life of the mother (Chap. 249, Session Laws, 1909).
* The fact that abortions were illegal does not mean they were not performed, by licensed physicians as well as by illegal abortionists. Surveys of middle-class women in several states in the late 1920s showed that 10 to 20 percent had had abortions. A study of 10,000 working-class clients of Margaret Sanger’s birth control clinics during the same period found that 20 percent of all pregnancies had been intentionally aborted. Historians agree that throughout the 1920s and 1930s abortions were relatively easy to obtain despite the laws. &lt;br&gt; After [[World War II]], however, new steps were taken to repress the practice. Hospitals formed therapeutic abortion committees, which limited the number of abortions performed under legal protection. The number of police raids on so-called “abortion mills” increased, and the targets were broadened to include competent abortionists as well as those who killed their patients.
* Nearly all of the women who received safe, legal abortions in hospitals were white women with private health insurance. Desperate women resorted to so-called “kitchen table” or “back alley” abortions, although Reagan cautions that “The proverbial ‘back-alley butcher’ story of abortion overemphasizes the fatalities and limits our understanding of the history of illegal abortion” (Reagan, 133). Still, reports about women who died or suffered debilitating injuries as a result of bungled abortions contributed to the campaign to liberalize the laws. In Seattle, for example, support for reform began to coalesce after the death of Raisa Trytiak was reported in the local press.
* Abortion, it’s been said, “is as ancient as sex, reproduction, and the triumph of hope over experience” (Risen and Thomas, 6). It has also become almost a perennial issue in the Legislature, with activists — now identified by the labels “pro-choice” or “pro-life” — regularly facing off in increasingly polarized debate. &lt;br&gt; Washington voters have expressed their sentiments on the issue several times since 1970, most recently by approving Initiative 120 in 1991. In contrast to Referendum 20, which simply amended an existing law, Initiative 120 repealed the law and replaced it with one that declares that “every individual possesses a fundamental right of privacy with respect to personal reproductive decisions” (Revised Code of Washington, chap. 9.02, Initiative Measure No. 120, 1991). Perhaps in a reflection of the deepening divisions about the issue of abortion, the initiative passed with a much slimmer margin of approval than did Referendum 20, squeaking by with an edge of only 4,222 votes out of 1,509,402 cast.

=== &quot;Anti-abortion law spreads in East Texas as &quot;sanctuary city for the unborn&quot; movement expands&quot; (October 1, 2019) ===
&lt;small&gt; Emily Wax-Thibodeaux (October 1, 2019). [https://www.texastribune.org/2019/10/01/antiabortion-law-spreads-east-texas/ &quot;Anti-abortion law spreads in East Texas as &quot;sanctuary city for the unborn&quot; movement expands&quot;]. The Texas Tribune. &lt;/small&gt;
* Labeling it “murder with malice,” a growing number of town councils have been passing abortion bans and declaring themselves “sanctuary cities for the unborn.” Five towns have adopted the restrictive ordinance, which outlaws emergency contraception such as Plan B, criminalizes reproductive rights groups and fines doctors $2,000 for performing the procedure. A sixth East Texas town has adopted a more lenient version of the ordinance. &lt;br&gt; The activist behind the movement, Mark Lee Dickson, said he and anti-abortion group Texas Right to Life plan to travel to more than 400 Texas municipalities to pitch the ban. &lt;br&gt; “This is a local issue because it impacts the most vulnerable — the unborn child,” Dickson said. “If we could do this in Texas, we can do this in cities and towns in Arizona, in Florida, in Iowa. It could happen all over the country.”
* None of the new “sanctuary cities” — most with populations under 3,000 — have abortion clinics, but Dickson’s goal is to prevent health centers that perform the procedure from moving into Waskom, Joaquin and other towns that adopt the restriction. Dickson also hopes to attract a legal challenge that forces the Supreme Court to reconsider Roe v. Wade. 
* The Austin City Council last month approved $150,000 for transportation, hotels and other costs for women seeking abortions, particularly those living in towns known as “abortion deserts,” places at least 100 miles away from an abortion facility. &lt;br&gt; “The right to an abortion is meaningless if it is not accessible,” said Aimee Arrambide, executive director of NARAL Pro-Choice Texas. The anti-abortion “ordinances are unconstitutional and illegal and meant to confuse people.”
* On his website, Dickson labels Austin a “city of death.” &lt;br&gt; “Austin is going in the complete opposite direction of what we are doing,” said Dickson, 34. “I think it’s amazing that little ol’ Waskom is on the lips of the people of Austin. It’s time for the smaller cities to start impacting the bigger.”
* An all-male council voted in June to make Waskom the first city to adopt the ordinance, which forbids Planned Parenthood, NARAL Pro-Choice Texas and other “criminal organizations” that offer or assist in obtaining abortions from operating in the city. It declares that providing money, transportation or other aid to a person for an abortion is unlawful, and it allows would-be relatives of the unborn to sue those who do. &lt;br&gt; The ordinance is only criminally enforceable if the Supreme Court overturns Roe v. Wade. But in civil cases, Dickson said, local courts could enforce the ordinance in a lawsuit against someone who provides emergency contraception or performs an abortion in the town limits. &lt;br&gt; “This is a gray area,” said Greg Hutson, city manager of Gilmer, the most recent town to adopt the abortion ban. “This part could well be the vehicle that challenges Roe v. Wade.”
* Waskom, a town of about 2,200, sits on the Louisiana border, with the nearest abortion clinic about 20 miles away in Shreveport. Dickson, who calls abortion clinics the “extermination camps of our day,” describes himself as “a fixture” at the clinic, where he tries to convince women to “stop the murder of your child.” If a woman agrees, he takes her for a meal and buys a “heartbeat bear,” which plays a recording of the vibrations that become a heartbeat. &lt;br&gt; Dickson, pastor of Sovereign Love Church in Longview, also keeps a bear for himself, which he carries to town council meetings. Sporting a beard and a backward baseball cap, he plays the bear’s “whump, whump” recording for town leaders and makes the case for his abortion ban.
* “The majority of us don’t want the blood of these babies on our hands,” said Deborah Ramsey, Republican chair for Morris County, where the Omaha City Council unanimously passed the ordinance Sept. 9. The neighboring town of Naples did the same in a 5-to-1 vote. &lt;br&gt; “If we have to do it a town at a time, that’s the way we are going to do it,” Ramsey said. &lt;br&gt; The lone dissenting vote in Naples came from Councilman Danny Mills, who said he doesn’t support abortion personally but thinks it should remain a personal choice. &lt;br&gt; Mills, who served several terms as mayor, said he felt blindsided by the ordinance and didn’t like Dickson’s “theatrics” of the heartbeat bears. &lt;br&gt; “He came into our town out of the clear blue sky,” Mills said in a phone interview. “I just couldn’t see draining this tiny town’s mayor and police tending to somebody else’s private business to get an abortion.”
* As Dickson has expanded the movement outside of East Texas and into larger towns, the ordinance has encountered more hurdles, including town attorneys concerned about potential legal fees. &lt;br&gt; In Mineral Wells, a city of 15,000 people about 80 miles west of Dallas, the council voted 5 to 2 against acting on the ordinance in July, at the recommendation of the city’s legal staff. &lt;br&gt; Most recently, the town of Gilmer — population 5,000 — voted 4 to 1 to adopt the ordinance, but only after removing several provisions, including the ban on emergency contraception and language that criminalized reproductive rights groups and classified abortion as murder. &lt;br&gt; Instead of using the phrase “sanctuary city for the unborn,” the council is calling its town “a safe haven for the unborn,” said Hutson, the Gilmer city manager. &lt;br&gt; “Portions of his ordinance are inflammatory, throwing gasoline on the fire,” said Hutson, who added that he’s been unsettled by residents’ hateful discord over the ordinance online. “We are a pro-life town. But for the sake of the country, the two sides have to come together and learn to talk about this in a kind way.”
* Many of the town ordinances do not make exceptions for rape or incest, but all allow an abortion if the pregnancy “places the woman in danger of death or a serious risk of substantial impairment of a major bodily function.” And while they target anyone who helps a woman obtain an abortion within city limits, the ordinance holds that “no punishment shall be imposed upon the mother of the pre-born child.” &lt;br&gt; There have been no legal challenges yet, though the American Civil Liberties Union of Texas said its lawyers are reviewing the ordinances, calling them “misguided attempts by small towns to encroach on fundamental constitutional rights of women.” &lt;br&gt; “We are keeping all options, including legal action, open as we investigate further,” said Imelda Mejia, communications coordinator for the organization.
* Amanda Beatriz Williams, executive director of the Lilith Fund, which provides financial assistance to women seeking abortions, said the abortion-ban ordinance “is just an illegal and wacky strategy that shows the desperation of the anti-abortion movement.” &lt;br&gt; She attended a hearing in Austin at which Dickson played the teddy-bear heartbeats. His abortion-ban ordinance lists the Lilith Fund as a “criminal organization.” &lt;br&gt; “It’s really about shaming and manipulating women,” Williams said. “We will be fighting these bans in every town. We won’t stop.”

=== &quot;Supreme Court Upholds Indiana Provision Mandating Fetal Burial or Cremation&quot;(May 28, 2019) ===
&lt;small&gt; Totenberg, Nina; Montanaro, Domenico (May 28, 2019). [https://www.npr.org/2019/05/28/727527860/supreme-court-upholds-indiana-provision-mandating-burial-or-cremation-of-fetal-r &quot;Supreme Court Upholds Indiana Provision Mandating Fetal Burial or Cremation&quot;]. NPR. &lt;/small&gt;
* The Supreme Court is leaving in place part of an Indiana law that mandates that aborted fetuses be buried or cremated.  &lt;br&gt; The court did not take up a second part of the law that banned abortions because of fetal abnormality, the fetus's race, sex or ancestry. A lower court struck down that part of the law in addition to the burial provision. The Supreme Court, though, said it will wait for other lower court rulings before weighing in on the fetal characteristics provision. &lt;br&gt; Vice President Pence signed the legislation when he was governor.
* Justice Clarence Thomas wrote a 20-page, anti-abortion-rights concurrence, warning that by leaving in place a lower court decision that invalidated Indiana's law banning &quot;discriminatory&quot; abortions, the court was aiding and abetting the possibility of a modern eugenics movement.  &lt;br&gt; &quot;This case highlights the fact that abortion is an act rife with the potential for eugenic manipulation,&quot; he wrote. &quot;From the beginning, birth control and abortion were promoted as means of effectuating eugenics.&quot;  &lt;br&gt; He pointed to sky-high rates of abortion for fetuses in Iceland and Europe diagnosed in the womb with Down syndrome. &lt;br&gt; &quot;Although the Court declines to wade into these issues today,&quot; Thomas concluded, &quot;we cannot avoid them forever.&quot;
* At issue is a Louisiana law that is nearly identical to a Texas law the court struck down just three years ago. The law requires doctors who perform abortions at clinics to have admitting privileges at a nearby hospital.  &lt;br&gt; In 2016, the court said that the same kind of provision in Texas did nothing to promote the health of women seeking abortions but did impose needless barriers on abortion providers, leading to half of them being forced to close their doors.

===  &quot;Supreme Court Upholds New Texas Abortion Law, For Now&quot; (September 2, 2021) ===
&lt;small&gt; Totenberg, Nina (September 2, 2021). [https://www.npr.org/2021/09/02/1033048958/supreme-court-upholds-new-texas-abortion-law-for-now &quot;Supreme Court Upholds New Texas Abortion Law, For Now&quot;]. NPR. Retrieved September 2, 2021. &lt;/small&gt;
* The U.S. Supreme Court late Wednesday night refused to block a Texas law that amounts to a ban on abortions after six weeks of pregnancy. The vote was 5-4, with three Trump-appointed justices joining two other conservative justices. Dissenting were conservative Chief Justice John Roberts and the court's three liberal justices. &lt;br&gt; The decision left open the option for abortion providers to challenge the Texas law in other ways in the future, meaning the case possibly — or even likely — will return to the Supreme Court, though not for months or longer. &lt;br&gt; The opinion was unsigned. It said the abortion providers didn't properly address &quot;complex and novel antecedent procedural questions&quot; in their case. &lt;br&gt; &quot;In reaching this conclusion, we stress that we do not purport to resolve definitively any jurisdictional or substantive claim in the applicants' lawsuit,&quot; the decision said. &quot;In particular, this order is not based on any conclusion about the constitutionality of Texas's law, and in no way limits other procedurally proper challenges to the Texas law, including in Texas state courts.&quot;
* The court's action came just before midnight on Wednesday, nearly a day after the law went into effect. Abortion rights advocates late last week filed an emergency appeal with the court after a panel of the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals canceled a hearing that had been scheduled by a federal trial judge on whether to block the law. &lt;br&gt; Chief Justice Roberts, in dissent, said he would have temporarily blocked the law from going into effect in order to give the lower courts adequate time to hear and decide &quot;whether a state can avoid responsibility for its laws&quot; by &quot;essentially delegat[ing] enforcement to...the populace at large.&quot; &lt;br&gt; The case, he acknowledged, does present difficult and novel questions, but none of those questions had been thoroughly considered yet by the lower courts. Nor, Roberts said, had the cases been fully briefed or considered by lower court judges.
* President Biden on Thursday slammed the Supreme Court ruling, saying it &quot;unleashes unconstitutional chaos.&quot; &lt;br&gt; In a statement, he said the White House would look for ways the federal government could ensure Texans have access to safe and legal abortions and to protect people from enforcement of the Texas law. &lt;br&gt; The Justice Department is &quot;deeply concerned&quot; about the law, according to Attorney General Merrick Garland, and is &quot;evaluating all options to protect the constitutional rights of women, including access to an abortion.&quot; 
* House Speaker Nancy Pelosi vowed the lower chamber will take up legislation to codify access to abortion when lawmakers return later this month. But while the Women's Health Protection Act, which has been proposed during several legislative sessions, could have enough votes to win passage in the House, it faces a very uncertain future in the evenly divided Senate.  &lt;br&gt; Still, Pelosi and others said the move was the next logical step.  &lt;br&gt; &quot;The Supreme Court's cowardly, dark-of-night decision to uphold a flagrantly unconstitutional assault on women's rights and health is staggering,&quot; Pelosi said. 
* Justice Breyer, citing the famous 1803 case of Marbury v. Madison, said that normally where a legal right is invaded, the law itself &quot;provides a legal remedy by suit,&quot; and this law, he suggested, does the opposite. &lt;br&gt; Justice Kagan, in her written dissent, said &quot;Texas's law delegates to private individuals the power to prevent a woman from obtaining an abortion during the first stage of pregnancy. But a woman has a federal constitutional right to obtain an abortion during that first stage,&quot; a right that the Supreme Court has endorsed repeatedly over nearly a half century. &lt;br&gt; Justice Sotomayor used bolder language than the three other dissenters did. &lt;br&gt; &quot;The court's order is stunning,&quot; she wrote. &quot;Presented with an application to enjoin a flagrantly unconstitutional law engineered to prohibit women from exercising their constitutional rights and evade judicial scrutiny, a majority of Justices have opted to bury their heads in the sand. ... Because the court's failure to act rewards tactics designed to avoid judicial review and inflicts significant harm on the applicants and on women seeking abortions in Texas, I dissent.&quot;

=== &quot;John Roberts sides with liberals on Supreme Court to block controversial Louisiana abortion law&quot; (6/29/2020) ===
&lt;small&gt; Ariane de Vogue, Devan Cole and Caroline Kelly.[https://www.cnn.com/2020/06/29/politics/abortion-louisiana-law-blocked-supreme-court/index.html  &quot;John Roberts sides with liberals on Supreme Court to block controversial Louisiana abortion law&quot;]. (6/29/2020), CNN. &lt;/small&gt;
* Washington (CNN)Chief Justice John Roberts sided with the liberal justices on the Supreme Court on Monday to block a controversial Louisiana abortion law that critics said would have closed nearly every clinic in the state. &lt;br&gt; The 5-4 ruling is a win for supporters of abortion rights who argued that the law was not medically necessary and amounted to a veiled attempt to restrict abortion. The law barred doctors from performing the procedure unless they had admitting privileges at a nearby hospital. &lt;br&gt; The majority opinion was penned by Justice Stephen Breyer, who wrote that the majority &quot;consequently hold that the Louisiana statute is unconstitutional.&quot;  &lt;br&gt; Breyer added later: &quot;The evidence also shows that opposition to abortion played a significant role in some hospitals' decisions to deny admitting privileges.&quot;
* Roberts wrote a separate concurring opinion also citing the Texas law. &lt;br&gt; &quot;The Louisiana law imposes a burden on access to abortion just as severe as that imposed by the Texas law, for the same reasons. Therefore Louisiana's law cannot stand under our precedents,&quot; the chief justice wrote. &lt;br&gt; In a dissent, Justice Clarence Thomas again said Roe should be revisited. &lt;br&gt; &quot;Roe is grievously wrong for many reasons,&quot; Thomas wrote, &quot;but the most fundamental is that its core holding -- that the Constitution protects a woman's right to abort her unborn child -- finds no support in the text of the Fourteenth Amendment.&quot;
* White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany blasted the ruling as &quot;unfortunate,&quot; and took aim at the justices who sided with the majority.  &lt;br&gt; &quot;Instead of valuing fundamental democratic principles, unelected Justices have intruded on the sovereign prerogatives of state governments by imposing their own policy preference in favor of abortion to override legitimate abortion safety regulations,&quot; McEnany said in a statement. 
* [W]hile Roberts struck down the law, in a concurring opinion the chief justice left open the door that other states might be able to pursue similar restrictions. &lt;br&gt; In a footnote, he said that the &quot;validity of admitting privileges law depends on numerous factors that may differ from state to state.&quot;
* CNN Supreme Court analyst and professor at the University of Texas School of Law Stephen Vladeck said that Roberts suggested that he did not necessarily endorse the analysis of the 2016 decision, which focused as much on whether the restrictions actually provided benefits to pregnant women as on whether they imposed an undue burden. &lt;br&gt; &quot;In the process, Vladeck said, &quot;the chief justice's narrower opinion implies that states making different arguments in different cases might be able to justify similar restrictions going forward. In that respect, the chief justice may have sided with abortion supporters today, but their victory may be short-lived.&quot;
* The Center for Reproductive Rights, which brought the case, addressed the looming possibility it allowed for further state regulations similar to Louisiana's in a statement Monday morning. &lt;br&gt; &quot;We're relieved that the Louisiana law has been blocked today but we're concerned about tomorrow,&quot; said Nancy Northup, the group's president and CEO.  &lt;br&gt; &quot;(The) Court's decision could embolden states to pass even more restrictive laws when clarity is needed if abortion rights are to be protected,&quot; Northup said.
* Jeanne Mancini, the president of March for Life, defended the Louisiana law as &quot;designed to safeguard women's health and safety&quot; and promised a strong showing from anti-abortion voters over the decision. &lt;br&gt; &quot;No abortion facility should receive a free pass to provide substandard care,&quot; she added. &quot;This decision underscores the importance of nominating and confirming judges who refrain from legislating from the bench, something pro-life voters will certainly remember come November.&quot; 
* Louisiana's Unsafe Abortion Protection Act, is an effort, state officials argued, to &quot;improve abortion safety by means of doctor credentialing.&quot;  &lt;br&gt; Louisiana Solicitor General Elizabeth B. Murrill said that clinics in the state have a &quot;long disturbing&quot; history of serious health and safety problems, that abortion carries &quot;known risks for serious complications,&quot; although it is largely considered a safe procedure, as Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg noted during oral arguments, and that the act would bring abortion practice &quot;into conformity&quot; with the privilege requirements for doctors performing other outpatient surgeries. The penalty for violating the law is not more than $4,000 per violation.  &lt;br&gt; The Trump administration sided with Louisiana. The law &quot;would not create a substantial obstacle to obtaining an abortion for a large fraction of Louisiana women seeking one -- let alone all such women,&quot; Principal Deputy Solicitor General Jeffrey Wall argued in court.  &lt;br&gt; The claims were rejected by lawyers for the Center for Reproductive Rights, which represented two doctors and an abortion clinic in the state who claimed that if the law had been able to go into effect when it passed, it would have forced the closure of two of the state's three remaining clinics and left only one doctor with the ability to provide abortions. 
* Louisiana also argued that the justices shouldn't consider the constitutionality of the law because the doctors and the clinics bringing the case don't have the legal right -- or &quot;standing&quot; -- to be in court. Murrill said that Louisiana women can challenge abortion regulations if they wish to do so -- &quot;as individual women have done in numerous other abortion cases across the country&quot; -- but that the clinics and doctors can't stand in their place. She said that's because the interests of a for-profit business that provides medical services for a fee might not align with those of patients seeking abortions. &lt;br&gt; Julie Rikelman, an attorney with the Center for Reproductive Rights, rejected the notion that only women seeking abortions could challenge the law in court, noting that a woman would have only a narrow time frame to bring such a suit and such litigation often lasts for years. 
* &quot;Instead of demonstrating an undue burden on a large fraction of women,&quot; the appeals court said, the law &quot;at most shows an insubstantial burden on a small fraction of women.&quot;

===  &quot;Texas 6-week abortion ban takes effect after Supreme Court inaction&quot; (September 1, 2021) ===
&lt;small&gt; De Vogue, Ariane (September 1, 2021). [https://edition.cnn.com/2021/09/01/politics/texas-abortion-supreme-court-sb8-roe-wade/index.html &quot;Texas 6-week abortion ban takes effect after Supreme Court inaction&quot;]. CNN. Archived from the original on September 1, 2021. Retrieved September 2, 2021. &lt;/small&gt;	
* &quot;What ultimately happens to this law remains to be seen,&quot; said CNN Supreme Court analyst and University of Texas Law School professor Steve Vladeck, &quot;but now through their inaction the justices have let the tightest abortion restriction since Roe v. Wade be enforced for at least some period of time.&quot;
* Under the Texas law, abortion is prohibited when a fetal heartbeat is detected, which is often before a woman knows she is pregnant. There is no exception for rape or incest, although there is an exemption for &quot;medical emergencies.&quot;  &lt;br&gt; Abortion providers asked the justices to block the ban while legal challenges played out because they argued that if it were allowed to go into effect it would &quot;immediately and catastrophically reduce abortion access in Texas,&quot; ultimately forcing many abortion clinics to close.  &lt;br&gt; They argued if the law were allowed to take effect it would have the impact of &quot;barring care for at least 85% of Texas abortion patients&quot; and would mean that lawsuits could be filed against a broad range of people including a person who drives their friend to obtain an abortion, someone who provides financial assistance and even to a member of the clergy who assists a patient. 
* &quot;The Texas law will significantly impair women's access to the health care they need, particularly for communities of color and individuals with low incomes,&quot; Biden said in a statement Wednesday. &lt;br&gt; &quot;My administration is deeply committed to the constitutional right established in Roe v. Wade nearly five decades ago and will protect and defend that right,&quot; he added.
* Abortion access had already been curtailed by the ban by the time Wednesday morning rolled around. Whole Woman's Health -- which operates clinics in McAllen, McKinney, Austin, and Fort Worth, and led the federal lawsuit challenging the ban -- said that it was only offering the procedure if &quot;if no embryonic or fetal cardiac activity is detected in the sonogram.&quot; &lt;br&gt; Tuesday night, two hours before the ban was set to go into effect, one of the clinics -- Whole Woman's Health -- reported that it was providing abortions. &quot;Our waiting rooms are filled with patients,&quot; the clinic tweeted, adding that &quot;anti-abortion protestors are outside, shining lights on the parking ...we are under surveillance.&quot; In another tweet, the clinic said, &quot;This is what abortion care looks like. Human Rights warriors.&quot; 
* The Supreme Court's failure to respond prompted a furious backlash from supporters of abortion rights just after the law went into effect. &lt;br&gt; &quot;Access to almost all abortion has just been cut off for millions of people, the impact will be immediate and devastating,&quot; the ACLU said in a tweet.
* Opponents say the law is part of a new wave of laws put forward by states hostile to abortion rights and will inspire other states to follow suit.  &lt;br&gt; Lawyers for Texas officials urged the justices to allow the law to go into effect, saying that the clinics had not shown that they will be &quot;personally harmed by a bill that may never be enforced against them.&quot; 
* The clinics initially filed suit not only against Texas Republican Attorney General Ken Paxton, but state judges and clerks in Texas with the jurisdiction to enforce the law. They also targeted Mark Lee Dickson who serves as the director of Right to Life East Texas. &lt;br&gt; In briefs, the providers said that patients &quot;who can scrape together resources&quot; will be forced to attempt to leave the state, and others will be forced to &quot;remain pregnant against their will.&quot;

=== &quot;Three Texas towns vote in favor of 'sanctuary cities for the unborn,' hoping to ban abortion&quot; (January 15, 2020) === 
&lt;small&gt; Walters, Edgar (January 15, 2020). [https://www.click2houston.com/news/texas/2020/01/15/three-texas-towns-vote-in-favor-of-sanctuary-cities-for-the-unborn-hoping-to-ban-abortion/ &quot;Three Texas towns vote in favor of 'sanctuary cities for the unborn,' hoping to ban abortion&quot;]. Click2houston.com. Retrieved January 23, 2020.  &lt;/small&gt;
* The city councils of Big Spring and Colorado City — with populations around 28,000 and 4,000, respectively — voted Tuesday for a version of the controversial ordinance which started popping up in small towns in East Texas last year. The ordinance aims to outlaw abortion if the U.S. Supreme Court makes it possible to do so. It also grants family members of women who have abortions the ability to sue the provider for emotional distress. &lt;br&gt; Big Spring’s vote was tentative; a majority of city council members will need to vote once more in favor of the ordinance for it to pass. Colorado City’s vote, which also banned the sale of emergency contraception such as Plan B, was final, making it the eighth local government with such an ordinance in effect, according to the anti-abortion group pushing them. The East Texas town of Rusk approved a similar ordinance last week. &lt;br&gt; The ordinances are of contested legality and enforceability. The American Civil Liberties Union has said it is investigating a possible lawsuit seeking to strike them down. Three towns — Mineral Wells, Omaha and Jacksboro — have voted down similar ordinances or walked them back under advice from city attorneys.
* “We have every intention of targeting every part of the state,” said Dickson, who said he is traveling to Levelland this week in hopes of persuading the town west of Lubbock to adopt a similar ordinance. “Every city, no matter what size, is valuable.” &lt;br&gt; Abortion rights advocates say the local ordinances are dangerous and intentionally confusing because they may lead people to believe, falsely, that abortion is illegal. &lt;br&gt; The strategy of bringing the abortion fight to the local level has divided even the staunchest anti-abortion activists. Some groups, including the Texas Alliance for Life, have warned against taking an inflammatory approach that is unlikely to survive a legal contest and could set the anti-abortion movement back in court.
* [T]he ordinances, which do not make exceptions for rape or incest, immediately allow “any surviving relative of the aborted unborn child” to sue a person in civil court for performing an abortion within the towns where they were passed. In some towns, a person could also be sued for transporting a woman to an abortion clinic or helping pay for the procedure, though local officials have said that language is largely symbolic and would be difficult to enforce. &lt;br&gt; None of the “sanctuary cities for the unborn” is home to an abortion clinic, and the number of clinics in Texas has plummeted in recent years thanks to increasing restrictions on abortion rights imposed by the Texas Legislature.

=== “Survey finds 52% majority favor abortion in most circumstances, down markedly from 1990s; Stark partisan split remains” (January 23, 2006) ===
&lt;small&gt; Zogby International, “Survey finds 52% majority favor abortion in most circumstances, down markedly from 1990s; Stark partisan split remains”, (January 23, 2006); [https://web.archive.org/web/20080603220555/http:/www.zogby.com/search/ReadNews.dbm?ID=1060 Archived] June 3, 2008, at the Wayback Machine (archived from the original on June 3, 2008) &lt;/small&gt;
* The survey shows that 52% favor abortion, including 10% who saying they believe it should be available, but that the government should not pay for it. &lt;br&gt; Forty-three percent oppose abortion, though most of those believe there should be exceptions in the cases of rape, incest, or when the pregnancy posed a grave threat to the life of the mother. A total of 9% said they “always oppose” abortion. &lt;br&gt; Among women, 50% said they favored the availability of abortion in all cases, while another 8% said they favor its availability but do not want the government to pay for it. Thirty-eight percent of women said they opposed abortion outright, or with certain exceptions. Among men, 59% said they oppose abortion completely or with certain exceptions, while 35% said they favor it always. Another 12% said they favor it but do not want the government to pay for it. &lt;br&gt; “What’s striking to me is that the numbers were radically different ten years ago,” said John Zogby, President and CEO of Zogby International. “Ten years ago, maybe just seven or eight years ago, pro-choice forces were in the ascendancy and posted pro-choice numbers in the area of 65% to 68%.”
* The Zogby survey highlights a dramatic partisan split on the question. While 74% of Democrats said they favor abortion the availability of in all circumstances, just 9% of Republicans feel the same way. And while 78% of Republicans oppose abortion either completely or with some exceptions, only 17% of Democrats agree. &lt;br&gt; Among independents, 45% said they always favor the right to an abortion. &lt;br&gt; Among Republicans, 77% said that “abortion destroys a human life and is manslaughter,” while 13% disagreed with that statement. Among Democrats, 15% believe that abortion destroys a human life and is manslaughter, and 70% disagreed.
* The partisan divide over abortion is most dramatic when considering whether parents should be notified before a daughter’s abortion. While 88% of Republicans agree parents should know ahead of time, just 26% of Democrats agree. One in every two independents say parents should be told ahead of time. &lt;br&gt; The national split extends to the question about late-term abortion. One-third opposes late-term abortions except when the mother’s life is in danger; one-third opposes the procedure except when the overall health of the mother is at risk, and 20% said they opposed late-term abortions in all circumstances. Another 11% said they did not agree with any of those circumstances.

== See also ==
* [[Abortion (pre-Reformation)]]
* [[Abortion (1500-1900)]]
* [[Abortion case law]]
* [[Enslaved women's resistance in the United States and Caribbean]]
* [[Roe v. Wade]]
* [[United States anti-abortion movement]]
* [[United States abortion-rights movement]]

== External links ==
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[[Category:Abortion|United States]]</text>
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'''[[w:Emma Wareus|Emma Wareus]]''' (born 28 July 1990 in Gaborone) is a [[Botswana]] model and beauty queen who won first runner up at the 2010 Miss World pageant on October 30, 2010 in Sanya, [[China]].

== Quotes ==
* Self-confidence is key. You do not have to have the best shoes or a designer dress; you just have to be true to yourself.
* [http://www.missnews.com.br/noticias/wareus-rooting-for-miss-botswana &quot;Wareus rooting for Miss Botswana&quot;] (29/09/2017)
* Botswana is a country of morals, respect and pride.
* [http://www.universalqueen.com/2010/10/emma-wareus-miss-world-botswana-2010.html Emma Wareus-Miss World Botswana 2010]
* The only thing is to be original. You have to be yourself. 
*

== External links ==
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'''[[w:Emma Wareus|Emma Wareus]]''' (born 28 July 1990 in Gaborone) is a [[Botswana]] model and beauty queen who won first runner up at the 2010 Miss World pageant on October 30, 2010 in Sanya, [[China]].

== Quotes ==
* Self-confidence is key. You do not have to have the best shoes or a designer dress; you just have to be true to yourself.
** [http://www.missnews.com.br/noticias/wareus-rooting-for-miss-botswana &quot;Wareus rooting for Miss Botswana&quot;] (29/09/2017)
* Botswana is a country of morals, respect and pride.
** [http://www.universalqueen.com/2010/10/emma-wareus-miss-world-botswana-2010.html Emma Wareus-Miss World Botswana 2010]
* The only thing is to be original. You have to be yourself.
**http://www.missnews.com.br/noticias/wareus-rooting-for-miss-botswana Wareus rooting for Miss Botswana, 29/07/2017

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

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'''[[w:Emma Wareus|Emma Wareus]]''' (born 28 July 1990 in Gaborone) is a [[Botswana]] model and beauty queen who won first runner up at the 2010 Miss World pageant on October 30, 2010 in Sanya, [[China]].

== Quotes ==
* Self-confidence is key. You do not have to have the best shoes or a designer dress; you just have to be true to yourself.
** [http://www.missnews.com.br/noticias/wareus-rooting-for-miss-botswana &quot;Wareus rooting for Miss Botswana&quot;] (29/09/2017)
* Botswana is a country of morals, respect and pride.
** [http://www.universalqueen.com/2010/10/emma-wareus-miss-world-botswana-2010.html Emma Wareus-Miss World Botswana 2010]
* The only thing is to be original. You have to be yourself.
**http://www.missnews.com.br/noticias/wareus-rooting-for-miss-botswana Wareus rooting for Miss Botswana, 29/07/2017

== External links ==

# https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emma_Wareus
{{wikipedia}}

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[[Category:1990 births]]
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'''[[w:Emma Wareus|Emma Wareus]]''' (born 28 July 1990 in Gaborone) is a [[Botswana]] model and beauty queen who won first runner up at the 2010 Miss World pageant on October 30, 2010 in Sanya, [[China]].

== Quotes ==
* Self-confidence is key. You do not have to have the best shoes or a designer dress; you just have to be true to yourself.
** [http://www.missnews.com.br/noticias/wareus-rooting-for-miss-botswana &quot;Wareus rooting for Miss Botswana&quot;] (29/09/2017)
* Botswana is a country of morals, respect and pride.
** [http://www.universalqueen.com/2010/10/emma-wareus-miss-world-botswana-2010.html Emma Wareus-Miss World Botswana 2010]
* The only thing is to be original. You have to be yourself.
**http://www.missnews.com.br/noticias/wareus-rooting-for-miss-botswana Wareus rooting for Miss Botswana, 29/09/2017

== External links ==

# https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emma_Wareus
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Wareus, Emma}}
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:1990 births]]
[[Category:African women]]
[[Category:Models]]
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'''[[w:Emma Wareus|Emma Wareus]]''' (born 28 July 1990 in Gaborone) is a [[Botswana]] model and beauty queen who won first runner up at the 2010 Miss World pageant on October 30, 2010 in Sanya, [[China]].

== Quotes ==
* Self-confidence is key. You do not have to have the best shoes or a designer dress; you just have to be true to yourself.
** [http://www.missnews.com.br/noticias/wareus-rooting-for-miss-botswana &quot;Wareus rooting for Miss Botswana&quot;] (29/09/2017)
* Botswana is a country of morals, respect and pride. It is truly a beautiful peaceful country that has earned its name in the global village.
** [http://www.universalqueen.com/2010/10/emma-wareus-miss-world-botswana-2010.html Emma Wareus-Miss World Botswana 2010]
* The only thing is to be original. You have to be yourself.
**http://www.missnews.com.br/noticias/wareus-rooting-for-miss-botswana Wareus rooting for Miss Botswana, 29/09/2017

== External links ==

# https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emma_Wareus
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Wareus, Emma}}
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:1990 births]]
[[Category:African women]]
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'''[[w:Emma Wareus|Emma Wareus]]''' (born 28 July 1990 in Gaborone) is a [[Botswana]] model and beauty queen who won first runner up at the 2010 Miss World pageant on October 30, 2010 in Sanya, [[China]].

== Quotes ==
* Self-confidence is key. You do not have to have the best shoes or a designer dress; you just have to be true to yourself.
** [http://www.missnews.com.br/noticias/wareus-rooting-for-miss-botswana &quot;Wareus rooting for Miss Botswana&quot;] (29/09/2017)
* Botswana is a country of morals, respect and pride. It is truly a beautiful peaceful country that has earned its name in the global village.
** [http://www.universalqueen.com/2010/10/emma-wareus-miss-world-botswana-2010.html Emma Wareus-Miss World Botswana 2010]
* The only thing is to be original. You have to be yourself.
**http://www.missnews.com.br/noticias/wareus-rooting-for-miss-botswana Wareus rooting for Miss Botswana, 29/09/2017
*I strongly believe that animals are a crucial part in a human's life; we need other companions besides our fellow humans to share joyous, sad and emotional moments. Pets just always seem to be the unsurpassed friend and the best listeners. 

== External links ==

# https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emma_Wareus
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Wareus, Emma}}
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:1990 births]]
[[Category:African women]]
[[Category:Models]]
[[Category:People from Botswana]]</text>
      <sha1>nq3rn9p55rb6lqq8wti1oe2h767b3qm</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147900</id>
      <parentid>3147899</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T23:30:38Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ms Lito</username>
        <id>3105223</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Quotes */ new source</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1584" xml:space="preserve">{{Multiple issues|
{{Notability|bio}}
{{Promotional}}
{{Advert}}
{{Uncited}}
{{External links}}
{{NPOV}}
}}

'''[[w:Emma Wareus|Emma Wareus]]''' (born 28 July 1990 in Gaborone) is a [[Botswana]] model and beauty queen who won first runner up at the 2010 Miss World pageant on October 30, 2010 in Sanya, [[China]].

== Quotes ==
* Self-confidence is key. You do not have to have the best shoes or a designer dress; you just have to be true to yourself.
** [http://www.missnews.com.br/noticias/wareus-rooting-for-miss-botswana &quot;Wareus rooting for Miss Botswana&quot;] (29/09/2017)
* Botswana is a country of morals, respect and pride. It is truly a beautiful peaceful country that has earned its name in the global village.
** [http://www.universalqueen.com/2010/10/emma-wareus-miss-world-botswana-2010.html Emma Wareus-Miss World Botswana 2010]
* The only thing is to be original. You have to be yourself.
**http://www.missnews.com.br/noticias/wareus-rooting-for-miss-botswana Wareus rooting for Miss Botswana, 29/09/2017
*I strongly believe that animals are a crucial part in a human's life; we need other companions besides our fellow humans to share joyous, sad and emotional moments. Pets just always seem to be the unsurpassed friend and the best listeners. 
**http://www.universalqueen.com/2010/10/emma-wareus-miss-world-botswana-2010.html 

== External links ==

# https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emma_Wareus
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Wareus, Emma}}
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:1990 births]]
[[Category:African women]]
[[Category:Models]]
[[Category:People from Botswana]]</text>
      <sha1>lqymnlb8tupmyn9wh3wu5o9bb3irqov</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>PAW Patrol (season 3)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>242092</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147688</id>
      <parentid>3145869</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T19:46:07Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>112.203.220.63</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="5862" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
==Episode 1==
===Pups Find a Genie===
:'''Rocky''': ''[to Chase and Marshall]'' You guys wanna see an old rusty bucket?
:'''Chase and Marshall''': ''[awkwardly]'' Uh... yeah!

===Pups Save a Tightrope Walker===
:'''Chase and Skye''': ''[cheering and singing to Francois]'' ''Francois, Francois, he's our man. &lt;br /&gt;He can do it? Oh, yes, he can!''&lt;br /&gt;

==Episode 2==
===Pups Save a Goldrush===

===Pups Save the PAW Patroller===

==Episode 3==
===Pups Save the Soccer Game===

===Pups Save a Lucky Collar===

==Episode 4==
===Pups Save Alex's Mini-Patrol===

===Pups Save a Lost Tooth===
:''[Rocky and Zuma watching Apollo the Super Pup on a screen, as Ryder calls them for backup]''
:'''Ryder''': Hey, pups. I'm wondering if one of you might want to go on an underwater rescue mission.
:'''Rocky''': ''[Zuma get excited and he gets shocked]'' ''Underwater!?'' ''[then he hides his cushion]'' Uh, I'm kinda busy, Ryder.
:'''Zuma''': He doesn't mean you, Rocky.
:'''Rocky''': ''[thanking Zuma]'' Good!

==Episode 5==
===Air Pups=== 

==Episode 6==
===Pups Save Friendship Day===

==Episode 7==
===Pups Save Apollo===

===Pups Save the Hippos===

==Episode 8==
===Pups Save Daring Danny X===

===Pups in a Fix===

==Episode 9==
===Pups Save a Dragon===

===Pups Save Three Little Pigs===

==Episode 10==
===Pups Save a Stinky Flower===

===Pups Save a Monkey-naut===

==Episode 11==
===Pups Save the Polar Bears===

===A Pup in Sheep's Clothing===

==Episode 12==
===Pups Save a School Bus===

===Pups Save the Songbirds===

==Episode 13==
===Pups Save Old Trusty===

===Pups Save a Pony===

==Episode 14==
===Pups Save a Robo-Saurus===

===Pups Save a Film Festival===

==Episode 15==
===Tracker Joins the Pups!===
:''[The episode opens with a shot in the Jungle as a [https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toucan Toucan] flies by, then pans over to a digsite where Carlos is seen digging; it is then revealed that Mandy is watching him from a tree]''
:'''Carlos:''' Phew!  ''[gets up]'' Just a little deeper, I hope. ''[as the map he has been reading is snatched from him by Mandy]'' '''HEY!!!''' 
:'''Carlos:''' Sorry Mandy, I need this map to know where to dig for the priceless relics.
:'''Mandy:''' ''[monkey noises]''
:'''Carlos:''' Relics are ''really old'' objects. The Museum wants me to find some from the ancient civilization that built this temple.
:''[Mandy takes the map again and is about to bite into it when Carlos takes it from her]''
:'''Carlos:''' Please don't touch anything while I dig.''[resumes digging when suddenly, his trowel hits something]'' Hey! What's that? ''[dusts it off with a brush to reveal a carving in the shape of a monkey's head]'' Wow! ''[attempts to pull it out of the ground, the ground starts shaking]'' Whoa! What's happening!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[After the PAW Patrol gets the crown from Mandy, at night, Carlos thanks to the team]''
:'''Carlos''': Thanks for getting the crown back, PAW Patrol. ''[to Mandy]'' Sorry, Mandy, but this isn't ours. It belongs to a lost tribe of monkeys waiting for their queen.
:'''Ryder''': Hmm, we're pretty far from the PAW Patroller, and it's going to be dark soon.
:''[Ryder turns on his pup-pad, Marshall, Rocky, Zuma and Rubble are greeted in the PAW Patroller]''
:'''Rubble''': Hello!
:'''Rocky''': Hi, Ryder!
:'''Marshall''': It's Ryder!
:'''Zuma''': Hi!
:'''Ryder''': Hi, pups. You stay with the PAW Patroller. We'll be camping out here for the night.
:'''Zuma''': ''[excited]'' Awesome camping!
:'''Rocky''': Cool!
:'''Rubble''': Yeah! A jungle camp-out sounds like fun.
:'''Tracker''': ''[sadly]'' Not to me. I'm ''afraid'' of the dark. ''[in Spanish]'' ''Me pone nervioso.'' It makes me ''nervous''.
:'''Chase''': ''[concerned]'' Really? 'Cause we think you're ''super'' brave.
:'''Tracker''': ''[in Spanish]'' ''Gracias.'' ''[in English]'' But I hear so much with my big ears, I start to think it's something spooky.
:'''Carlos''': Don't worry, Tracker. We'll keep you company tonight.
:'''Ryder''': And we'll even build a campfire. ''[Chase, Skye, Tracker, Carlos and Mandy started cheering]''

==Episode 16==
===Pups Bear-ly Save Danny===

===Pups Save the Mayor's Tulips===

==Episode 17==
===All Star Pups!===

===Pups Save Sports Day===

==Episode 18==
===Pups in a Jam===

===Pups Save a Windsurfing Pig===

==Episode 19==
===Pups Get Growing===

===Pups Save a Space Toy===

==Episode 20==
===Pups Get Skunked===

===Pups and a Whale of a Tale===

==Episode 21==
===Parroting Pups===

===Merpups Save the Turbots===

==Episode 22==
===The Pups' Winter Wonder Show===
:''[Marshall and Tracker rolling the big bucket and they wipeout the elevator with the other pups]''
:'''Marshall''': And this is the part where we say, I'm good!
:'''Tracker''': ''[in Spanish]'' ''Estoy bien!''
:''[The pups laughing on Marshall and Tracker's joke and the elevator rises up to the top]''

==Episode 23==
===Pups Save the Gliding Turbots===

===Pups Save a Plane===

==Episode 24==
===Pups Save a Giant Plant===

===Pups Get Stuck===

==Episode 25==
===Pups Raise the PAW Patroller===
:'''Daring Danny X''': ''[to the PAW Patrol; sadly]'' Ryder, pups, I feel terrible. And not just seasick, this is all my fault. The PAW Patroller's gone forever.
:'''Ryder:''' No it's not Danny, 'cause we're going to raise the shipwreck!

===Pups Save the Crows===

==Episode 26==
===Pups Save Their Floating Friends===

===Pups Save a Satellite===


[[Category: PAW Patrol seasons]]
[[Category: PAW Patrol]]</text>
      <sha1>iukj4b4vvxmaqhavyegtz5l1m9tb9o6</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3148019</id>
      <parentid>3147688</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T05:29:31Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>112.203.220.63</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="5866" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
==Episode 1==
===Pups Find a Genie===
:'''Rocky''': ''[to Chase and Marshall]'' You guys wanna see an old rusty bucket?
:'''Chase and Marshall''': ''[awkwardly]'' Uh... yeah!

===Pups Save a Tightrope Walker===
:'''Chase and Skye''': ''[cheering and singing to Francois]'' ''Francois, Francois, he's our man. &lt;br /&gt;He can do it? Oh, yes, he can!''&lt;br /&gt;

==Episode 2==
===Pups Save a Goldrush===

===Pups Save the PAW Patroller===

==Episode 3==
===Pups Save the Soccer Game===

===Pups Save a Lucky Collar===

==Episode 4==
===Pups Save Alex's Mini-Patrol===

===Pups Save a Lost Tooth===
:''[Rocky and Zuma watching Apollo the Super Pup on a screen, as Ryder calls them for backup]''
:'''Ryder''': Hey, pups. I'm wondering if one of you might want to go on an underwater rescue mission.
:'''Rocky''': ''[Zuma get excited and he gets shocked]'' ''Underwater!?'' ''[then he hides his cushion]'' Uh, I'm kinda busy, Ryder.
:'''Zuma''': He doesn't mean you, Rocky.
:'''Rocky''': ''[thanking Zuma]'' Good!

==Episode 5==
===Air Pups=== 

==Episode 6==
===Pups Save Friendship Day===

==Episode 7==
===Pups Save Apollo===

===Pups Save the Hippos===

==Episode 8==
===Pups Save Daring Danny X===

===Pups in a Fix===

==Episode 9==
===Pups Save a Dragon===

===Pups Save Three Little Pigs===

==Episode 10==
===Pups Save a Stinky Flower===

===Pups Save a Monkey-naut===

==Episode 11==
===Pups Save the Polar Bears===

===A Pup in Sheep's Clothing===

==Episode 12==
===Pups Save a School Bus===

===Pups Save the Songbirds===

==Episode 13==
===Pups Save Old Trusty===

===Pups Save a Pony===

==Episode 14==
===Pups Save a Robo-Saurus===

===Pups Save a Film Festival===

==Episode 15==
===Tracker Joins the Pups!===
:''[The episode opens with a shot in the Jungle as a [https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toucan Toucan] flies by, then pans over to a digsite where Carlos is seen digging; it is then revealed that Mandy is watching him from a tree]''
:'''Carlos:''' Phew!  ''[gets up]'' Just a little deeper, I hope. ''[as the map he has been reading is snatched from him by Mandy]'' '''HEY!!!''' 
:'''Carlos:''' Sorry Mandy, I need this map to know where to dig for the priceless relics.
:'''Mandy:''' ''[monkey noises]''
:'''Carlos:''' Relics are ''really old'' objects. The Museum wants me to find some from the ancient civilization that built this temple.
:''[Mandy takes the map again and is about to bite into it when Carlos takes it from her]''
:'''Carlos:''' Please don't touch anything while I dig.''[resumes digging when suddenly, his trowel hits something]'' Hey! What's that? ''[dusts it off with a brush to reveal a carving in the shape of a monkey's head]'' Wow! ''[attempts to pull it out of the ground, the ground starts shaking]'' Whoa! What's happening!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[After the PAW Patrol gets the crown from Mandy, at night, Carlos thanks to the team]''
:'''Carlos''': Thanks for getting the crown back, PAW Patrol. ''[to Mandy]'' Sorry, Mandy, but this isn't ours. It belongs to a lost tribe of monkeys waiting for their queen.
:'''Ryder''': Hmm, we're pretty far from the PAW Patroller, and it's going to be dark soon.
:''[Ryder turns on his pup-pad, Marshall, Rocky, Zuma and Rubble are greeted in the PAW Patroller]''
:'''Rubble''': Hello!
:'''Rocky''': Hi, Ryder!
:'''Marshall''': It's Ryder!
:'''Zuma''': Hi!
:'''Ryder''': Hi, pups. You stay with the PAW Patroller. We'll be camping out here for the night.
:'''Zuma''': ''[excited]'' Awesome camping!
:'''Rocky''': Cool!
:'''Rubble''': Yeah! A jungle ''camp-out'' sounds like fun.
:'''Tracker''': ''[sadly]'' Not to me. I'm ''afraid'' of the dark. ''[in Spanish]'' ''Me pone nervioso.'' It makes me ''nervous''.
:'''Chase''': ''[concerned]'' Really? 'Cause we think you're ''super'' brave.
:'''Tracker''': ''[in Spanish]'' ''Gracias.'' ''[in English]'' But I hear so much with my big ears, I start to think it's something spooky.
:'''Carlos''': Don't worry, Tracker. We'll keep you company tonight.
:'''Ryder''': And we'll even build a campfire. ''[Chase, Skye, Tracker, Carlos and Mandy started cheering]''

==Episode 16==
===Pups Bear-ly Save Danny===

===Pups Save the Mayor's Tulips===

==Episode 17==
===All Star Pups!===

===Pups Save Sports Day===

==Episode 18==
===Pups in a Jam===

===Pups Save a Windsurfing Pig===

==Episode 19==
===Pups Get Growing===

===Pups Save a Space Toy===

==Episode 20==
===Pups Get Skunked===

===Pups and a Whale of a Tale===

==Episode 21==
===Parroting Pups===

===Merpups Save the Turbots===

==Episode 22==
===The Pups' Winter Wonder Show===
:''[Marshall and Tracker rolling the big bucket and they wipeout the elevator with the other pups]''
:'''Marshall''': And this is the part where we say, I'm good!
:'''Tracker''': ''[in Spanish]'' ''Estoy bien!''
:''[The pups laughing on Marshall and Tracker's joke and the elevator rises up to the top]''

==Episode 23==
===Pups Save the Gliding Turbots===

===Pups Save a Plane===

==Episode 24==
===Pups Save a Giant Plant===

===Pups Get Stuck===

==Episode 25==
===Pups Raise the PAW Patroller===
:'''Daring Danny X''': ''[to the PAW Patrol; sadly]'' Ryder, pups, I feel terrible. And not just seasick, this is all my fault. The PAW Patroller's gone forever.
:'''Ryder:''' No it's not Danny, 'cause we're going to raise the shipwreck!

===Pups Save the Crows===

==Episode 26==
===Pups Save Their Floating Friends===

===Pups Save a Satellite===


[[Category: PAW Patrol seasons]]
[[Category: PAW Patrol]]</text>
      <sha1>402potjlee7hvhxljcyk3p3vjxo5j3s</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>PAW Patrol (season 1)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>242171</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147655</id>
      <parentid>3138714</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T19:05:50Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>112.203.220.63</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="3138" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
==Episode 1==
===Pups Make a Splash===

===Pups Fall Festival===

==Episode 2==
===Pups Save the Sea Turtles===

===Pups and the Very Big Baby===

==Episode 3==
===Pups and the Kitty-tastrophe===

===Pups Save a Train=== 

==Episode 4==
===Pup Pup Boogie===

===Pups in a Fog===

==Episode 5==
===Pup Pup Goose===

===Pup Pup and Away===

==Episode 6==
===Pups on Ice===

===Pups and the Snow Monster=== 

==Episode 7==
===Pups Save the Circus===

===Pup a Doodle Do===

==Episode 8==
===Pups Pit Crew===

===Pups Fight Fire===

==Episode 9==
===Pups Save the Treats===

===Pups Get a Lift===

==Episode 10==
===Pups and the Ghost Pirate=== 

==Episode 11==
===Pups Save Christmas===

==Episode 12==
===Pups Get a Rubble===

===Pups Save a Walrus===

==Episode 13==
===Pups Save the Bunnies===

===Pup-Tacular===

==Episode 14==
===Pups Save the Bay===

===Pups Save a Goodway===

==Episode 15==
===Pups Save a Hoedown===

===Pups Save Alex=== 

==Episode 16==
===Pups Save a School Day===

===Pups Turn on the Lights===

==Episode 17==
===Pups Save a Pool Day===

:'''Rocky''': [after ''Ryder gives him and Chase for backup]'' Ready Chase?
:'''Chase''': ''[still wearing Skye's bathing cap instead of his police uniform]'' Ruff! Chase is on the--
:'''Rocky''': Is that Skye's bathing cap?
:'''Chase''': Huh? ''[sees on his head; embarrassed]'' No. Be right back. ''[changes Skye's bathing cap to his police uniform]'' Chase is on the case!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Zuma''': ''[to Skye]'' Now what?
:'''Skye''': My turn. Be right back! ''[flies to Jake's Mountain with her helicopter]'' What could be ''cooler'' than snow?
:''[Skye puts some snow in the bag and bring it to the kids to play in the pool]''
:'''Zuma''': Check it out! Here comes Skye to cool us off!
:''[The kids cheering for Skye bringing the snow and she accidentally drops the snow on Zuma]''
:'''Zuma''': Uh-oh. Whoa! ''[the snow lands all over him and the place got ruined, shivering and pops out covered in snow]'' First I was a hot dog, and now I'm a Pup-sicle! ''[shivers]'' Too cold.

===Circus Pup-Formers===

==Episode 18==
===Pups Save the Easter Egg Hunt===

==Episode 19==
===Pups Save a Super Pup===

===Pups Save Ryder's Robot===

==Episode 20==
===Pups Go All Monkey===

===Pups Save a Hoot===

==Episode 21==
===Pups Save a Bat===

===Pups Save a Toof===

==Episode 22==
===Pups Save the Camping Trip===

===Pups and the Trouble with Turtles===

==Episode 23==
===Pups and the Beanstalk===
===Pups Save the Turbots===

==Episode 24==
===Pups and the Lighthouse Boogie===

===Pups Save Ryder===

==Episode 25==
===Pups Great Race===

===Pups Take the Cake===

==Episode 26==
===Pups and the Pirate Treasure===


[[Category: PAW Patrol seasons]]
[[Category: PAW Patrol]]</text>
      <sha1>k9xt5w8neuxjhmsbkf55v44b6yyuuyv</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>PAW Patrol (season 2)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>242201</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147660</id>
      <parentid>3146580</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T19:14:16Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>112.203.220.63</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="6436" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
==Episode 1==
===Pups Save the Penguins===

===Pups Save a Dolphin Pup===

==Episode 2==
===Pups Save the Space Alien===

===Pups Save a Flying Frog===

==Episode 3==
===Pups Save Jake===

===Pups Save the Parade===
:''[Chase watches his friends are preparing for the Adventure Bay parade]''
:'''Chase''': Um, how are the Adventure Bay Day preparations coming, pups?
:'''Marshall''': Great, check this out. Hose! Woof! ''[shows his water canon to Chase]''
:'''Chase''': No, no, no, no, no! Don't get the floats wet.
:''[Marshall pops up the water canons full of confetti]''
:'''Chase''': ''[laughing]'' That'll start the parade with a bang. ''[leaves as Marshall chuckles, he meets up with Zuma and Rocky]'' Hey, Zuma! Cool pirate boat float.
:'''Zuma''': ''[laughs]'' Arr! Shiver me timbers, dude!
:'''Rocky''': Check out my float, Chase. Green means go... to the parade.
:''[The empty water bottles are starting to getting flat and put in the garbage from Rocky's recycling truck]''
:'''Chase''': Awesome!
:'''Rocky''': Thank, Chase.
:'''Chase''': And the highlight of the parade... ''[sees Skye and Ryder putting smoke canisters in her helicopter]'' is in pieces? Skye, aren't you going to ''sky-write''? It looks more like you're going to ''sky-wrong''.
:'''Skye''': ''[laughs; sarcastically]'' Very funny.
:'''Ryder''': We're attaching containers to Skye's helicopter so she can sky-write a big surprise.
:'''Chase''': Will you be ready in time?
:'''Ryder''': Yup. Just have to put things back together.
:'''Skye''': And this puppy's gonna fly! ''[starts backflipping]'' Ruff!
:''[Ryder, Chase, and Skye hears Rubble growling in frustration of his decorations are failed]''
:'''Ryder''': Rubble's having a little trouble with ''his'' decorations.
:'''Rubble''': ''[growls]'' I'm trying to fill my bucket loader full of gray balloons to look like rocks... but ''look what happens!'' ''[blows the balloon on a pumper but it fails; sighs]'' I really didn't think this through. ''[Chase, Ryder and Skye starts laughing]''

==Episode 4==
===Pups Save the Diving Bell===

===Pups Save the Beavers===

==Episode 5==
===Pups Save a Ghost===

===Pups Save a Show===

==Episode 6==
===The New Pup===

:''[The ice is cracked and Jake is about to fall, but then, he is rescued by Siberian husky pup and she throws him back]''
:'''Everest''': Woo-hoo, I did it! I rescued someone! ''[licks at Jake]''
:'''Jake''': ''[petting Everest]'' Sweet save, pup! Thanks!
:'''Everest''': I've always wanted to do a real rescue. Sometimes I practice rescuing penguins, but they never say &quot;Thank you&quot;... or anything... except ''&quot;Honk!&quot;'' ''[Jake chuckles]'' But that was great, uh...
:'''Jake''': Uh, I'm Jake.
:'''Everest''': Hiya, Jake. I'm Everest.
:'''Jake''': ''[laughing and petting Everest again, then she laughs]'' So Everest, do you know where I could find a phone around here?
:'''Everest''': No, but we should probably get going.
:'''Jake''': Why?
:'''Everest''': A storm's rolling in. I wouldn't want to lose my first real rescue in a blizzard. Let's wait it out in my igloo. It's just a mile or two across the ice.
:'''Jake''': Do you have any hot cocoa in that igloo?
:'''Everest''': No, but I have some awesome liver-flavored tea.
:'''Jake''': ''[laughing]'' Water will be fine. ''[they begin to search the igloo while the snowstorm comes]''

==Episode 7==
===Pups Jungle Trouble===

===Pups Save a Herd===

==Episode 8==
===Pups and the Big Freeze===

===Pups Save a Basketball Game===

==Episode 9==
===Pups Save an Ace===

===Pups Save a Wedding===

==Episode 10==
===Pups Save a Talent Show===

===Pups Save the Corn Roast===

==Episode 11==
===Pups Leave Marshall Home Alone===

===Pups Save the Deer===

==Episode 12==
===Pups Save the Parrot===

===Pups Save the Queen Bee===

==Episode 13==
===Pups Save a Mer-Pup===
:''[When Mama Mer-pup pushes Skye and Zuma off his paddleboard, as she touches their noses and they magically turned into mer-pups]''
:'''Skye''': ''[sees with her new fish-tail]'' We have tails!
:'''Zuma''': We're pups, Skye. We always have tails.
:'''Skye''': No, Zuma. ''[shows Zuma her fish-tail]'' We have fish-tails!
:'''Zuma''': We're mer-pups!
:'''Skye''': Just like the legend!
:'''Zuma''': I'm a mer-pup! ''[starts flipping with Skye in the sea, as they cheering and barking]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Skye swims and check inside of the Diving Bell; Chase, Marshall and Cap'n Turbot are talking about the mer-pups]''
:'''Marshall''': Skye and Zuma as mer-pups? I don't wanna miss this!
:'''Cap'n Turbot''': Me neither. ''[gasps in shock]''
:'''Marshall''': ''[shocked]'' '''''WHAAA?!'''''
:'''Chase''': ''[Skye is on the porthole and she starts mocking him; sarcastically]'' Meh, I bet we're missing nothing.
:'''Marshall''': ''[offended]'' There's no way you can say that mer-pups don't exist now! ''[Cap'n Turbot points at Skye to Chase]''
:'''Chase''': ''[confused]'' Huh? ''[turns around and sees Skye as a mer-pup]'' Pup? Fish-tail? ''[then he gets shocked]'' ''Skye!?'' '''''MER-PUP!?!?''''' ''[faints]''

==Episode 14==
===Pups Save an Elephant Family===

===Pups and the Mischievous Kittens===

==Episode 15==
===Pups Save a Friend===

===Pups Save a Stowaway===

==Episode 16==
===Pups' Adventures in Babysitting===

===Pups Save the Fireworks===

==Episode 17==
===Pups Save a Sniffle===

===Pups and the Ghost Cabin===

==Episode 18==
===Pups Save an Adventure===

===Pups Save a Surprise===

==Episode 19==
===Pup-Fu!===

==Episode 20==
===Pups Save the Mayor's Race===

===Pups Save an Outlaw's Loot===

==Episode 21==
===Pups Save Walinda===

===Pups Save a Big Bone===

==Episode 22==
===Pups Save a Floundering Francois===

===Pups Save the Pop-Up Penguins===

==Episode 23==
===Pups Save a Snowboard Competition===

===Pups Save a Chicken of the Sea===

==Episode 24==
===Pups Save a Pizza===

===Pups Save Skye===

==Episode 25==
===Pups Save the Woof and Roll Show===

===Pups Save an Eagle===

==Episode 26==
===Pups Bark with Dinosaurs===


[[Category: PAW Patrol seasons]]
[[Category: PAW Patrol]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3147670</id>
      <parentid>3147660</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T19:30:27Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>112.203.220.63</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="6435" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
==Episode 1==
===Pups Save the Penguins===

===Pups Save a Dolphin Pup===

==Episode 2==
===Pups Save the Space Alien===

===Pups Save a Flying Frog===

==Episode 3==
===Pups Save Jake===

===Pups Save the Parade===
:''[Chase watches his friends are preparing for the Adventure Bay parade]''
:'''Chase''': Um, how are the Adventure Bay Day preparations coming, pups?
:'''Marshall''': Great, check this out. Hose! Woof! ''[shows his water canon to Chase]''
:'''Chase''': No, no, no, no, no! Don't get the floats wet.
:''[Marshall pops up the water canons full of confetti]''
:'''Chase''': ''[laughing]'' That'll start the parade with a bang. ''[leaves as Marshall chuckles, he meets up with Zuma and Rocky]'' Hey, Zuma! Cool pirate boat float.
:'''Zuma''': ''[laughs]'' Arr! Shiver me timbers, dude!
:'''Rocky''': Check out my float, Chase. Green means go... to the parade.
:''[The empty water bottles are starting to getting flat and put in the garbage from Rocky's recycling truck]''
:'''Chase''': Awesome!
:'''Rocky''': Thank, Chase.
:'''Chase''': And the highlight of the parade... ''[sees Skye and Ryder putting smoke canisters on her helicopter]'' is in pieces? Skye, aren't you going to ''sky-write''? It looks more like you're going to ''sky-wrong''.
:'''Skye''': ''[laughs; sarcastically]'' Very funny.
:'''Ryder''': We're attaching containers to Skye's helicopter so she can sky-write a big surprise.
:'''Chase''': Will you be ready in time?
:'''Ryder''': Yup. Just have to put things back together.
:'''Skye''': And this puppy's gonna fly! ''[starts backflipping]'' Ruff!
:''[Ryder, Chase and Skye hears Rubble growling in frustration of his decorations are failed]''
:'''Ryder''': Rubble's having a little trouble with ''his'' decorations.
:'''Rubble''': ''[growls]'' I'm trying to fill my bucket loader full of gray balloons to look like rocks... but ''look what happens!'' ''[blows the balloon on a pumper but it fails; sighs]'' I really didn't think this through. ''[Chase, Ryder and Skye starts laughing]''

==Episode 4==
===Pups Save the Diving Bell===

===Pups Save the Beavers===

==Episode 5==
===Pups Save a Ghost===

===Pups Save a Show===

==Episode 6==
===The New Pup===

:''[The ice is cracked and Jake is about to fall, but then, he is rescued by Siberian husky pup and she throws him back]''
:'''Everest''': Woo-hoo, I did it! I rescued someone! ''[licks at Jake]''
:'''Jake''': ''[petting Everest]'' Sweet save, pup! Thanks!
:'''Everest''': I've always wanted to do a real rescue. Sometimes I practice rescuing penguins, but they never say &quot;Thank you&quot;... or anything... except ''&quot;Honk!&quot;'' ''[Jake chuckles]'' But that was great, uh...
:'''Jake''': Uh, I'm Jake.
:'''Everest''': Hiya, Jake. I'm Everest.
:'''Jake''': ''[laughing and petting Everest again, then she laughs]'' So Everest, do you know where I could find a phone around here?
:'''Everest''': No, but we should probably get going.
:'''Jake''': Why?
:'''Everest''': A storm's rolling in. I wouldn't want to lose my first real rescue in a blizzard. Let's wait it out in my igloo. It's just a mile or two across the ice.
:'''Jake''': Do you have any hot cocoa in that igloo?
:'''Everest''': No, but I have some awesome liver-flavored tea.
:'''Jake''': ''[laughing]'' Water will be fine. ''[they begin to search the igloo while the snowstorm comes]''

==Episode 7==
===Pups Jungle Trouble===

===Pups Save a Herd===

==Episode 8==
===Pups and the Big Freeze===

===Pups Save a Basketball Game===

==Episode 9==
===Pups Save an Ace===

===Pups Save a Wedding===

==Episode 10==
===Pups Save a Talent Show===

===Pups Save the Corn Roast===

==Episode 11==
===Pups Leave Marshall Home Alone===

===Pups Save the Deer===

==Episode 12==
===Pups Save the Parrot===

===Pups Save the Queen Bee===

==Episode 13==
===Pups Save a Mer-Pup===
:''[When Mama Mer-pup pushes Skye and Zuma off his paddleboard, as she touches their noses and they magically turned into mer-pups]''
:'''Skye''': ''[sees with her new fish-tail]'' We have tails!
:'''Zuma''': We're pups, Skye. We always have tails.
:'''Skye''': No, Zuma. ''[shows Zuma her fish-tail]'' We have fish-tails!
:'''Zuma''': We're mer-pups!
:'''Skye''': Just like the legend!
:'''Zuma''': I'm a mer-pup! ''[starts flipping with Skye in the sea, as they cheering and barking]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Skye swims and check inside of the Diving Bell; Chase, Marshall and Cap'n Turbot are talking about the mer-pups]''
:'''Marshall''': Skye and Zuma as mer-pups? I don't wanna miss this!
:'''Cap'n Turbot''': Me neither. ''[gasps in shock]''
:'''Marshall''': ''[shocked]'' '''''WHAAA?!'''''
:'''Chase''': ''[Skye is on the porthole and she starts mocking him; sarcastically]'' Meh, I bet we're missing nothing.
:'''Marshall''': ''[offended]'' There's no way you can say that mer-pups don't exist now! ''[Cap'n Turbot points at Skye to Chase]''
:'''Chase''': ''[confused]'' Huh? ''[turns around and sees Skye as a mer-pup]'' Pup? Fish-tail? ''[then he gets shocked]'' ''Skye!?'' '''''MER-PUP!?!?''''' ''[faints]''

==Episode 14==
===Pups Save an Elephant Family===

===Pups and the Mischievous Kittens===

==Episode 15==
===Pups Save a Friend===

===Pups Save a Stowaway===

==Episode 16==
===Pups' Adventures in Babysitting===

===Pups Save the Fireworks===

==Episode 17==
===Pups Save a Sniffle===

===Pups and the Ghost Cabin===

==Episode 18==
===Pups Save an Adventure===

===Pups Save a Surprise===

==Episode 19==
===Pup-Fu!===

==Episode 20==
===Pups Save the Mayor's Race===

===Pups Save an Outlaw's Loot===

==Episode 21==
===Pups Save Walinda===

===Pups Save a Big Bone===

==Episode 22==
===Pups Save a Floundering Francois===

===Pups Save the Pop-Up Penguins===

==Episode 23==
===Pups Save a Snowboard Competition===

===Pups Save a Chicken of the Sea===

==Episode 24==
===Pups Save a Pizza===

===Pups Save Skye===

==Episode 25==
===Pups Save the Woof and Roll Show===

===Pups Save an Eagle===

==Episode 26==
===Pups Bark with Dinosaurs===


[[Category: PAW Patrol seasons]]
[[Category: PAW Patrol]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>User talk:Ms Lito</title>
    <ns>3</ns>
    <id>242233</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147776</id>
      <parentid>3142942</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T21:12:36Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ms Lito</username>
        <id>3105223</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Edit summaries */ Reply</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="4143" xml:space="preserve">==Galefele Moroko==
{{#if:|An editor using this IP address posted Galefele Moroko, so I put a message to hope noticing the editor the following. If you are not the editor, sorry to bother and please ignore it.}}

I have added a &quot;{{[[Template:prod|prod]]}}&quot; template to the article [[Galefele Moroko]], suggesting that it be deleted according to the [[Wikiquote:Proposed deletion|proposed deletion]] process. All contributions are appreciated, but it may not satisfy Wikiquote's criteria for inclusion, for the reasons given in the deletion notice (see also &quot;[[Wikiquote:What Wikiquote is not|What Wikiquote is not]]&quot; and [[Wikiquote:Deletion policy|Wikiquote's deletion policy]]).

You may contest the proposed deletion by removing the &lt;code&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;{{dated prod}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/code&gt; notice, but please explain why you disagree with the proposed deletion in your edit summary or on [[Talk:Galefele Moroko|its talk page]]. Also, please consider improving the article to address the issues raised. Even though removing the deletion notice will prevent deletion through the [[WQ:PROD|proposed deletion process]], the article may still be deleted if it matches any of the [[Wikiquote:Speedy deletion|speedy deletion criteria]] or it can be sent to [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion|Votes for deletion]], where it may be deleted if consensus to delete is reached. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:30, 22 October 2021 (UTC)

:I made a very big mistake by publishing the article before adding content to the main part which is the quotes. Please give me a little more time so that I can find the quotes and edit the article to add the relevant information. Thank you so much for attending to this. ~~MsLito~~
:`` [[User:Ms Lito|Ms Lito]] ([[User talk:Ms Lito|talk]]) 00:17, 23 October 2021 (UTC)

{{Uw-speedydeletion|Opha Pauline Dube|No quotes, no sources}}

== July 2022 ==

{{Formatting|Palesa Molefe|signature=[[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:52, 15 July 2022 (UTC)}}
{{Uw-mislead1|Palesa Molefe}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:52, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
{{Formatting|Palesa Molefe|signature=[[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:37, 15 July 2022 (UTC)}}

[[File:Information.svg|25px|alt=Information icon]] Hello, I'm [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]]. I noticed that you recently made an edit to [[:Palesa Molefe]]&amp;nbsp;in which your edit summary did not appear to describe the change you made. In the future, it would be helpful to others if you described your changes to Wikiquote with an accurate [[w:Help:Edit summary|edit summary]]. If you think I made a mistake, or if you have any questions, you can leave me a message on [[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|my talk page]]. Thanks.&lt;!-- Template:uw-mislead1 --&gt; – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:06, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== Edit summaries ==

I see that you are now adding descriptive edit summaries, which is good, but, why are you adding the text &quot;#Art #Feminism&quot; after each summary, I do not know what this for, nor what it means. I have looked through [[w:Wikipedia:Edit summaries|Wikipedia:Edit summaries]] and do not see any mention of this. So, could you please clarify what this is for? Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:11, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

:Sorry for a very late reply. Some of the quotes added were for contributions towards the Art &amp; Feminism project, we were hence told not to add the # in the edit summaries and I had already done it. I will ensure not to add them as I continue with the editing of other pages.   [[User:Ms Lito|Ms Lito]] ([[User talk:Ms Lito|talk]]) 21:12, 26 July 2022 (UTC)</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>PAW Patrol (season 4)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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    <revision>
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      <parentid>3144794</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T19:32:06Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>112.203.220.63</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="5448" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
==Episode 1==
===Pups Save a Blimp===
===Pups Save the Chili Cook-Off===
:'''Chase''': ''[sniffing on the sand where he found a yarn]'' Where'd that yarn come from? ''[sniffs on the yarn and then he sneezes]''
:'''Mayor Goodway''': ''[concerned]'' Chili powder?
:'''Chase''': Worse. ''[sneezes again]'' Kittens.
:''[Ryder, the pups, and Mayor Goodway staring at Mayor Humdinger that he has kittens]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[guessing]'' I have no idea how that got there. I don't see any kittens. ''[the flying kitty is stuck on a tree]''
:'''Zuma''': ''[annoyed]'' Not even that little meowing dude up in that tree?
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': Oh! Is that a kitten?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Mayor Goodway signaling that the time is up, the judge gives a taste test on the chili, first he tastes Mayor Humdinger's chili]''
:'''Judge''': Very good. ''[then he gets suspicious]'' But also, ''very'' familiar.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[awkwardly]'' Oh, that's because it's a... uh, classic recipe. ''[chuckles nervously]''
:''[Chickaletta finds an empty canned chili can and puts inside on her head, then the judge tastes the PAW Patrol's chili]''
:'''Judge''': But this... is the best chili I've ''ever'' tasted!
:''[The citizens cheering and Mayor Humdinger realizes the PAW Patrol wins the cook-off]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[angered]'' Impossible! They must have cheated!
:'''Mayor Goodway''': ''[notices Chickaletta has an empty canned chili and everyone gasps]'' Oh, Mayor Humdinger. You used ''canned'' chili? ''[the citizens staring at Mayor Humdinger]''
:'''Judge''': Now ''that's'' cheating!
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[defeated]'' Fine. Who needs your chili?

==Episode 2==
===Pups Save a Teeny Penguin===
===Pups Save the Cat Show===

==Episode 3==
===Pups Save a Playful Dragon===
===Pups Save the Critters===

==Episode 4==
===Mission PAW: Quest for the Crown===

==Episode 5==
===Pups Save a Sleepover===
===Pups Save the Carnival===

==Episode 6==
===Pups Save Jake's Cake ===
===Pups Save a Wild Ride===

==Episode 7==
===Mission PAW: Royally Spooked===
===Pups Save Monkey-dinger===

==Episode 8==
===Pups Save the Flying Food===
===Pups Save a Ferris Wheel===

==Episode 9==
===Pups Save a Sleepwalking Bear===
===Pups Save Dude Ranch Danny===

==Episode 10==
===Mission PAW: Pups Save the Royal Throne===

==Episode 11==
===Pups Save Big Hairy===
===Pups Save a Flying Kitty===

==Episode 12==
===Pups Party with Bats===
===Pups Save Sensei Yumi===

==Episode 13==
===Sea Patrol: Pups Save a Baby Octopus===
:''[The pups except Rocky are manage to complete their lifeguard training]''
:'''Ryder''': Rocky, you're the only one left.
:'''Rocky''': ''[backs away]'' That's okay. I don't like getting wet.
:'''Skye''': You can't be a lifeguard without getting wet, Rocky.
:'''Rocky''': Hmm, we'll see about that. ''[to Ryder]'' Ready? ''[Ryder blows the whistle, he jumps and hopping on the beach markers]'' Ruff! Rescue buoy!
:''[Rocky puts his buoy on Mr. Prickly as he jumps and brings him back to Ryder]''
:'''Rocky''': See? Nice and dry.
:'''Ryder''': Cool rescue technique. But, if want to earn your lifeguard badge, you have to swim.
:'''Rocky''': How 'bout if I be a ''land'' guard instead?
:'''Ryder''': I know you can do this, Rocky. But if you don't feel up to it now, you can try later.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rocky''': I can find it.
:'''Ryder''': Huh?
:'''Rocky''': With my metal detector.
:'''Ryder''': ''[concerned]'' Are you sure, Rocky? You'll have to swim and get wet.
:'''Rocky''': ''[determined]'' If getting wet will help that baby octopus get back to his mom, I can do it!
:'''Ryder''': That's my Sea Patrol pup. I saw the rattle land around here.
:'''Rocky''': Okay. I can do this! Ruff! Metal detector!
:''[Rocky jumps and dives in the water, his detector beeping at the sand as he digs and retrieves the baby octopus' rattle, then he comes out from the water]''
:'''Skye''': ''[grateful]'' You found it! You're amazing!
:'''Rocky''': ''[shyly]'' Hey, it's just water.

==Episode 14==
===Pups Save the Runaway Kitties===
===Pups Save Tiny Marshall===

==Episode 15==
===Pups Chill Out===
===Pups Save Farmer Alex===

==Episode 16==
===Sea Patrol: Pups Save a Shark===
===Sea Patrol: Pups Save the Pier===

==Episode 17==
===Pups Save a Space Rock===
===Pups Save a Good Mayor===

==Episode 18==
===Pups Save a City Kitty===
===Pups Save a Cloud Surfer===

==Episode 19==
===Sea Patrol: Pirate Pups to the Rescue===

==Episode 20==
===Pups Save the Mail===
===Pups Save a Frog Mayor===

==Episode 21==
===Pups Save the Runaway Turtles===
===Pups Save the Shivering Sheep===

==Episode 22==
===Sea Patrol: Pups Save a Frozen Flounder===
===Sea Patrol: Pups Save a Narwhal===

==Episode 23==
===Pups Save Luke Stars===
===Pups Save Chicken Day===

==Episode 24==
===Pups Save Francois the Penguin===
===Pups Save Daring Danny's Hippo===

==Episode 25==
===Pups Save Baby Humdinger===
===Pups Save a Piñata===

==Episode 26==
===Sea Patrol: Pups Save Puplantis===


[[Category: PAW Patrol seasons]]
[[Category: PAW Patrol]]</text>
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      <id>3148031</id>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-27T06:11:28Z</timestamp>
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      <comment>/* Episode 1 */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
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      <text bytes="5450" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
==Episode 1==
===Pups Save a Blimp===
===Pups Save the Chili Cook-Off===
:'''Chase''': ''[sniffing on the sand where he found a yarn]'' Where'd that yarn come from? ''[sniffs on the yarn and then he sneezes]''
:'''Mayor Goodway''': ''[concerned]'' Chili powder?
:'''Chase''': Worse. ''[sneezes again]'' Kittens.
:''[Ryder, the pups, and Mayor Goodway staring at Mayor Humdinger that he has kittens]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[guessing]'' I have no idea how that got there. I don't see any kittens. ''[the flying kitty is stuck on a tree]''
:'''Zuma''': ''[annoyed]'' Not even that little meowing dude up in that tree?
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': Oh! Is that a kitten?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Mayor Goodway signaling that the time is up, the judge gives a taste test on the chili, first he tastes Mayor Humdinger's chili]''
:'''Judge''': Very good. ''[then he gets suspicious]'' But also... ''very'' familiar.
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[awkwardly]'' Oh, that's because it's a... uh, classic recipe. ''[chuckles nervously]''
:''[Chickaletta finds an empty canned chili can and puts inside on her head, then the judge tastes the PAW Patrol's chili]''
:'''Judge''': But this... is the best chili I've ''ever'' tasted!
:''[The citizens cheering and Mayor Humdinger realizes the PAW Patrol wins the cook-off]''
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[angered]'' Impossible! They must have cheated!
:'''Mayor Goodway''': ''[notices Chickaletta has an empty canned chili and everyone gasps]'' Oh, Mayor Humdinger. You used ''canned'' chili? ''[the citizens staring at Mayor Humdinger]''
:'''Judge''': Now ''that's'' cheating!
:'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[defeated]'' Fine. Who needs your chili?

==Episode 2==
===Pups Save a Teeny Penguin===
===Pups Save the Cat Show===

==Episode 3==
===Pups Save a Playful Dragon===
===Pups Save the Critters===

==Episode 4==
===Mission PAW: Quest for the Crown===

==Episode 5==
===Pups Save a Sleepover===
===Pups Save the Carnival===

==Episode 6==
===Pups Save Jake's Cake ===
===Pups Save a Wild Ride===

==Episode 7==
===Mission PAW: Royally Spooked===
===Pups Save Monkey-dinger===

==Episode 8==
===Pups Save the Flying Food===
===Pups Save a Ferris Wheel===

==Episode 9==
===Pups Save a Sleepwalking Bear===
===Pups Save Dude Ranch Danny===

==Episode 10==
===Mission PAW: Pups Save the Royal Throne===

==Episode 11==
===Pups Save Big Hairy===
===Pups Save a Flying Kitty===

==Episode 12==
===Pups Party with Bats===
===Pups Save Sensei Yumi===

==Episode 13==
===Sea Patrol: Pups Save a Baby Octopus===
:''[The pups except Rocky are manage to complete their lifeguard training]''
:'''Ryder''': Rocky, you're the only one left.
:'''Rocky''': ''[backs away]'' That's okay. I don't like getting wet.
:'''Skye''': You can't be a lifeguard without getting wet, Rocky.
:'''Rocky''': Hmm, we'll see about that. ''[to Ryder]'' Ready? ''[Ryder blows the whistle, he jumps and hopping on the beach markers]'' Ruff! Rescue buoy!
:''[Rocky puts his buoy on Mr. Prickly as he jumps and brings him back to Ryder]''
:'''Rocky''': See? Nice and dry.
:'''Ryder''': Cool rescue technique. But, if want to earn your lifeguard badge, you have to swim.
:'''Rocky''': How 'bout if I be a ''land'' guard instead?
:'''Ryder''': I know you can do this, Rocky. But if you don't feel up to it now, you can try later.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Rocky''': I can find it.
:'''Ryder''': Huh?
:'''Rocky''': With my metal detector.
:'''Ryder''': ''[concerned]'' Are you sure, Rocky? You'll have to swim and get wet.
:'''Rocky''': ''[determined]'' If getting wet will help that baby octopus get back to his mom, I can do it!
:'''Ryder''': That's my Sea Patrol pup. I saw the rattle land around here.
:'''Rocky''': Okay. I can do this! Ruff! Metal detector!
:''[Rocky jumps and dives in the water, his detector beeping at the sand as he digs and retrieves the baby octopus' rattle, then he comes out from the water]''
:'''Skye''': ''[grateful]'' You found it! You're amazing!
:'''Rocky''': ''[shyly]'' Hey, it's just water.

==Episode 14==
===Pups Save the Runaway Kitties===
===Pups Save Tiny Marshall===

==Episode 15==
===Pups Chill Out===
===Pups Save Farmer Alex===

==Episode 16==
===Sea Patrol: Pups Save a Shark===
===Sea Patrol: Pups Save the Pier===

==Episode 17==
===Pups Save a Space Rock===
===Pups Save a Good Mayor===

==Episode 18==
===Pups Save a City Kitty===
===Pups Save a Cloud Surfer===

==Episode 19==
===Sea Patrol: Pirate Pups to the Rescue===

==Episode 20==
===Pups Save the Mail===
===Pups Save a Frog Mayor===

==Episode 21==
===Pups Save the Runaway Turtles===
===Pups Save the Shivering Sheep===

==Episode 22==
===Sea Patrol: Pups Save a Frozen Flounder===
===Sea Patrol: Pups Save a Narwhal===

==Episode 23==
===Pups Save Luke Stars===
===Pups Save Chicken Day===

==Episode 24==
===Pups Save Francois the Penguin===
===Pups Save Daring Danny's Hippo===

==Episode 25==
===Pups Save Baby Humdinger===
===Pups Save a Piñata===

==Episode 26==
===Sea Patrol: Pups Save Puplantis===


[[Category: PAW Patrol seasons]]
[[Category: PAW Patrol]]</text>
      <sha1>9bpt3k3mwggzrdjyx36ghox9f8e3zds</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Matt Gaetz</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>243046</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3148044</id>
      <parentid>3107701</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T09:29:03Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Joreberg</username>
        <id>323041</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Three quotes</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="5170" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Matt Gaetz 117th Congress portrait.jpg|thumb|Matt Gaetz]]
'''[[w:Matt Gaetz|Matthew Louis Gaetz II]]''' (born May 7, 1982) is an American lawyer and politician who has served as the [[w:U.S. representative]] for [[w:Florida's 1st congressional district|Florida's 1st congressional district]] since 2017. A [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican]], he became one of the foremost congressional allies of President [[Donald Trump]].

==Quotes==
*Kyle: if you want an internship, reach out to me.
**19 November 2021 [https://www.instagram.com/stories/madisoncawthorn/2710578555990905722 Instagram post] regarding [[Kyle Rittenhouse]]

* [[Jimmy Kimmel]] is a total jerk. It seems that his trend is to attack [[women]].
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0DrQC-oNAeQ Marjorie Taylor Greene &amp; Matt Gaetz NOT HAPPY with Jimmy &amp; Trump FINALLY Admits Defeat] (Apr 11, 2022) ([[Youtube]] video)

* How many of the women rallying against overturning [[Roe]] are over-educated, under-loved millennials who sadly return from protests to a lonely microwave dinner with their cats, and no bumble matches?
** '''[https://thehill.com/news/house/3477193-gaetz-faces-backlash-for-over-educated-women-remark/ Gaetz faces backlash for ‘over-educated’ women remark]''' (05/04/22 2:12 PM ET)

* Why is it that the women with the least likelihood of getting pregnant are the ones most worried about having abortions?  Nobody wants to impregnate you if you look like a thumb.
* These people are odious on the inside and out. They're like 5'2, 350 pounds and they're like 'give me my abortions or I'll get up and march and protest' and I'm thinking: 'March? You look like you got ankles weaker than the legal reasoning behind Roe vs. Wade.' A few of them need to get up and march. They need to get up and march for like an hour a day, swing those arms, get the blood pumping, maybe mix in a salad.
** [https://eu.tallahassee.com/story/news/2022/07/23/florida-congressman-matt-gaetz-makes-controversial-abortion-comments/10136955002/ &quot;Florida congressman Matt Gaetz to abortion rights protesters: 'Nobody wants to impregnate you'&quot;], Tallahassee Democrat, 23 July 2022

* Illegal aliens have destroyed some of the most critical monarch butterfly habitats in the world.  I bet you didn’t know that.
** [https://www.thedailybeast.com/matt-gaetzs-claim-that-migrants-are-killing-monarch-butterflies-is-utter-bullsht &quot;Matt Gaetz’s Claim That Migrants Are Killing Monarch Butterflies Is Utter Bullsh*t&quot;], The Daily Beast, 26 July 2022

==About==
*Matt Gaetz hopes Kyle Rittenhouse has friends who are underage girls.
**17 November 2021 [https://twitter.com/RileySingh3/status/1461192550576914436 tweet] by Riley Singh, a Twitter accounted registered April 2018
***David Covucci (Senior Politics and Technology Editor at The Daily Dot) on 18 November 2021 [https://www.dailydot.com/debug/matt-gaetz-kyle-rittenhouse-intern-teens/ used this as his lede in a Daily Dot article] which [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/crime/gaetz-hopes-kyle-rittenhouse-has-friends-who-are-underage-girls-matt-gaetz-s-history-with-teens-resurfaces-after-internship-offer/ar-AAQREEW?ocid=ob-tw-enus-677 mirrored on MSN.com]

*I will arm wrestle @mattgaetz to get dibs for Kyle as an intern.
**19 November 2021 [https://twitter.com/DrPaulGosar/status/1461761699728572425 tweet] by [[Paul Gosar]] threatening violence against Gaetz

* Since &quot;The Times&quot; published the story, Congressman Gaetz has put out a public statement denying all the allegations. He is now just in the last hour or so done an interview on the Fox News Channel in which he claims he is not only innocent, but this is part of an elaborate extortion plot targeting his father and trying to get money from his very wealthy family. Also something about a plot to get him a pardon from President Biden.
** [[Rachel Maddow]] '''[https://www.msnbc.com/transcripts/transcript-rachel-maddow-show-3-30-21-n1262589 MSNBC Transcript: The Rachel Maddow Show, 3/30/21]''' (March 30, 2021)

* I don't know if Mike Pence will run for president in 2024, but I don't think Matt Gaetz will have an impact on that — in fact, I'd be surprised if he's still voting.  It's more likely that he'll be in prison for child sex trafficking by 2024, and I'm actually surprised that Florida law enforcement still allows him to speak to teenage conferences like that.
** Marc Short, former Chief of Staff for ex-Vice Presidet Mike Pence, quoted in [https://www.businessinsider.com/marc-short-defends-pence-matt-gaetz-prison-child-sex-trafficking-2022-7?r=US&amp;IR=T &quot;Pence's former chief of staff hits back at Matt Gaetz, saying he'll likely be 'in prison for child sex trafficking' — in what looks like a growing schism in Trumpworld&quot;], Business Insider, 26 July 2022


== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Gaetz, Matt}}
[[Category:Members of the United States House of Representatives]]
[[Category:Lawyers from the United States]]
[[Category:Republican Party (United States) politicians]]
[[Category:Nationalists]]
[[Category:Conservatives from the United States]]
[[Category:1982 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:People from Florida]]</text>
      <sha1>sffhr4s0mp2vubdq1agq17sx1npzx87</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3148047</id>
      <parentid>3148044</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T09:56:27Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Joreberg</username>
        <id>323041</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>&quot;I find these people who go out on these pro-abortion and pro-murder rallies odious and just ugly on the inside and out and I make no apology for it.&quot;</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="5558" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Matt Gaetz 117th Congress portrait.jpg|thumb|Matt Gaetz]]
'''[[w:Matt Gaetz|Matthew Louis Gaetz II]]''' (born May 7, 1982) is an American lawyer and politician who has served as the [[w:U.S. representative]] for [[w:Florida's 1st congressional district|Florida's 1st congressional district]] since 2017. A [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican]], he became one of the foremost congressional allies of President [[Donald Trump]].

==Quotes==
*Kyle: if you want an internship, reach out to me.
**19 November 2021 [https://www.instagram.com/stories/madisoncawthorn/2710578555990905722 Instagram post] regarding [[Kyle Rittenhouse]]

* [[Jimmy Kimmel]] is a total jerk. It seems that his trend is to attack [[women]].
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0DrQC-oNAeQ Marjorie Taylor Greene &amp; Matt Gaetz NOT HAPPY with Jimmy &amp; Trump FINALLY Admits Defeat] (Apr 11, 2022) ([[Youtube]] video)

* How many of the women rallying against overturning [[Roe]] are over-educated, under-loved millennials who sadly return from protests to a lonely microwave dinner with their cats, and no bumble matches?
** '''[https://thehill.com/news/house/3477193-gaetz-faces-backlash-for-over-educated-women-remark/ Gaetz faces backlash for ‘over-educated’ women remark]''' (05/04/22 2:12 PM ET)

* Why is it that the women with the least likelihood of getting pregnant are the ones most worried about having abortions?  Nobody wants to impregnate you if you look like a thumb.
* These people are odious on the inside and out. They're like 5'2, 350 pounds and they're like 'give me my abortions or I'll get up and march and protest' and I'm thinking: 'March? You look like you got ankles weaker than the legal reasoning behind Roe vs. Wade.' A few of them need to get up and march. They need to get up and march for like an hour a day, swing those arms, get the blood pumping, maybe mix in a salad.
** [https://eu.tallahassee.com/story/news/2022/07/23/florida-congressman-matt-gaetz-makes-controversial-abortion-comments/10136955002/ &quot;Florida congressman Matt Gaetz to abortion rights protesters: 'Nobody wants to impregnate you'&quot;], Tallahassee Democrat, 23 July 2022

* Illegal aliens have destroyed some of the most critical monarch butterfly habitats in the world.  I bet you didn’t know that.
** [https://www.thedailybeast.com/matt-gaetzs-claim-that-migrants-are-killing-monarch-butterflies-is-utter-bullsht &quot;Matt Gaetz’s Claim That Migrants Are Killing Monarch Butterflies Is Utter Bullsh*t&quot;], The Daily Beast, 26 July 2022

* Be offended. 
* I find these people who go out on these pro-abortion and pro-murder rallies odious and just ugly on the inside and out and I make no apology for it.
** [https://news.yahoo.com/offended-matt-gaetz-doubles-down-034317006.html &quot;Matt Gaetz doubles down on claim that only unattractive women are worried about abortion rights: ‘Be offended’&quot;], Yahoo News, 26 July 2022


==About==
*Matt Gaetz hopes Kyle Rittenhouse has friends who are underage girls.
**17 November 2021 [https://twitter.com/RileySingh3/status/1461192550576914436 tweet] by Riley Singh, a Twitter accounted registered April 2018
***David Covucci (Senior Politics and Technology Editor at The Daily Dot) on 18 November 2021 [https://www.dailydot.com/debug/matt-gaetz-kyle-rittenhouse-intern-teens/ used this as his lede in a Daily Dot article] which [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/crime/gaetz-hopes-kyle-rittenhouse-has-friends-who-are-underage-girls-matt-gaetz-s-history-with-teens-resurfaces-after-internship-offer/ar-AAQREEW?ocid=ob-tw-enus-677 mirrored on MSN.com]

*I will arm wrestle @mattgaetz to get dibs for Kyle as an intern.
**19 November 2021 [https://twitter.com/DrPaulGosar/status/1461761699728572425 tweet] by [[Paul Gosar]] threatening violence against Gaetz

* Since &quot;The Times&quot; published the story, Congressman Gaetz has put out a public statement denying all the allegations. He is now just in the last hour or so done an interview on the Fox News Channel in which he claims he is not only innocent, but this is part of an elaborate extortion plot targeting his father and trying to get money from his very wealthy family. Also something about a plot to get him a pardon from President Biden.
** [[Rachel Maddow]] '''[https://www.msnbc.com/transcripts/transcript-rachel-maddow-show-3-30-21-n1262589 MSNBC Transcript: The Rachel Maddow Show, 3/30/21]''' (March 30, 2021)

* I don't know if Mike Pence will run for president in 2024, but I don't think Matt Gaetz will have an impact on that — in fact, I'd be surprised if he's still voting.  It's more likely that he'll be in prison for child sex trafficking by 2024, and I'm actually surprised that Florida law enforcement still allows him to speak to teenage conferences like that.
** Marc Short, former Chief of Staff for ex-Vice Presidet Mike Pence, quoted in [https://www.businessinsider.com/marc-short-defends-pence-matt-gaetz-prison-child-sex-trafficking-2022-7?r=US&amp;IR=T &quot;Pence's former chief of staff hits back at Matt Gaetz, saying he'll likely be 'in prison for child sex trafficking' — in what looks like a growing schism in Trumpworld&quot;], Business Insider, 26 July 2022


== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Gaetz, Matt}}
[[Category:Members of the United States House of Representatives]]
[[Category:Lawyers from the United States]]
[[Category:Republican Party (United States) politicians]]
[[Category:Nationalists]]
[[Category:Conservatives from the United States]]
[[Category:1982 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:People from Florida]]</text>
      <sha1>0y3bb4nc3f7lddrb67mnjqx6c18pym5</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Mpule Kwelagobe</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>243356</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147916</id>
      <parentid>3113442</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T23:56:52Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ms Lito</username>
        <id>3105223</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1063" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Mpule Kwelagobe.jpg|thumb|Mpule Kwelagobe]]
'''Mpule Keneilwe Kwelagobe''' (born 14 November 1979) is a [[Botswana]] investor, businesswoman, model, and beauty queen who was crowned [[wikipedia:Miss_Universe_1999|Miss Universe 1999]]. She was the first black African woman to win one of the [[wikipedia:Big_Four_international_beauty_pageants|Big Four international beauty pageants]], the first woman from Botswana to win, and the first from a nation making their debut in nearly four decades. Kwelagobe had previously been crowned [[wikipedia:Miss_Botswana|Miss Botswana 1997]] and [[wikipedia:Miss_Botswana|Miss Universe Botswana 1999]], and competed in [[wikipedia:Miss_World_1997|Miss World 1997]].


{{model-stub}}
{{women-stub}}

== Quotes ==

* Great challenges can also be areas of great strength.

[https://konnectafrica.net/mpule-kwelagobe/ From Botswana with Love: Mpule Kwelagobe’s Youth Empowerment Initiatives], (2015)

{{DEFAULTSORT:Kwelagobe, Mpule}}
[[Category:People from Botswana]]
[[Category:Models]]
[[Category:Miss Universe winners]]</text>
      <sha1>cla8ls00p491nt3kzj20xveqk56j23j</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147918</id>
      <parentid>3147916</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T23:57:59Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ms Lito</username>
        <id>3105223</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>new quote</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1144" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Mpule Kwelagobe.jpg|thumb|Mpule Kwelagobe]]
'''Mpule Keneilwe Kwelagobe''' (born 14 November 1979) is a [[Botswana]] investor, businesswoman, model, and beauty queen who was crowned [[wikipedia:Miss_Universe_1999|Miss Universe 1999]]. She was the first black African woman to win one of the [[wikipedia:Big_Four_international_beauty_pageants|Big Four international beauty pageants]], the first woman from Botswana to win, and the first from a nation making their debut in nearly four decades. Kwelagobe had previously been crowned [[wikipedia:Miss_Botswana|Miss Botswana 1997]] and [[wikipedia:Miss_Botswana|Miss Universe Botswana 1999]], and competed in [[wikipedia:Miss_World_1997|Miss World 1997]].


{{model-stub}}
{{women-stub}}

== Quotes ==

* Great challenges can also be areas of great strength.

[https://konnectafrica.net/mpule-kwelagobe/ From Botswana with Love: Mpule Kwelagobe’s Youth Empowerment Initiatives], (2015)

* We ought to tackle this problem [HIV/AIDS] and further improve our behaviour. 
{{DEFAULTSORT:Kwelagobe, Mpule}}
[[Category:People from Botswana]]
[[Category:Models]]
[[Category:Miss Universe winners]]</text>
      <sha1>558v4wmnddqjqkh8q8a0o506ao0xxkk</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147919</id>
      <parentid>3147918</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T23:59:21Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ms Lito</username>
        <id>3105223</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>added new source</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1269" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Mpule Kwelagobe.jpg|thumb|Mpule Kwelagobe]]
'''Mpule Keneilwe Kwelagobe''' (born 14 November 1979) is a [[Botswana]] investor, businesswoman, model, and beauty queen who was crowned [[wikipedia:Miss_Universe_1999|Miss Universe 1999]]. She was the first black African woman to win one of the [[wikipedia:Big_Four_international_beauty_pageants|Big Four international beauty pageants]], the first woman from Botswana to win, and the first from a nation making their debut in nearly four decades. Kwelagobe had previously been crowned [[wikipedia:Miss_Botswana|Miss Botswana 1997]] and [[wikipedia:Miss_Botswana|Miss Universe Botswana 1999]], and competed in [[wikipedia:Miss_World_1997|Miss World 1997]].


{{model-stub}}
{{women-stub}}

== Quotes ==

* Great challenges can also be areas of great strength.

[https://konnectafrica.net/mpule-kwelagobe/ From Botswana with Love: Mpule Kwelagobe’s Youth Empowerment Initiatives], (2015)

* We ought to tackle this problem [HIV/AIDS] and further improve our behaviour. 
** https://www.unfpa.org/news/elizabeth-mpule-kwelagobe-promotes-responsible-behaviour-donors-support-fight-against-hivaids 
{{DEFAULTSORT:Kwelagobe, Mpule}}
[[Category:People from Botswana]]
[[Category:Models]]
[[Category:Miss Universe winners]]</text>
      <sha1>32yt1jucvi6kyouuzim1tdqxamprkt6</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147923</id>
      <parentid>3147919</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T00:02:56Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ms Lito</username>
        <id>3105223</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Quotes */ correction of source</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1390" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Mpule Kwelagobe.jpg|thumb|Mpule Kwelagobe]]
'''Mpule Keneilwe Kwelagobe''' (born 14 November 1979) is a [[Botswana]] investor, businesswoman, model, and beauty queen who was crowned [[wikipedia:Miss_Universe_1999|Miss Universe 1999]]. She was the first black African woman to win one of the [[wikipedia:Big_Four_international_beauty_pageants|Big Four international beauty pageants]], the first woman from Botswana to win, and the first from a nation making their debut in nearly four decades. Kwelagobe had previously been crowned [[wikipedia:Miss_Botswana|Miss Botswana 1997]] and [[wikipedia:Miss_Botswana|Miss Universe Botswana 1999]], and competed in [[wikipedia:Miss_World_1997|Miss World 1997]].


{{model-stub}}
{{women-stub}}

== Quotes ==

* Great challenges can also be areas of great strength.

[https://konnectafrica.net/mpule-kwelagobe/ From Botswana with Love: Mpule Kwelagobe’s Youth Empowerment Initiatives], (2015)

* We ought to tackle this problem [HIV/AIDS] and further improve our behaviour. 
** https://www.unfpa.org/news/elizabeth-mpule-kwelagobe-promotes-responsible-behaviour-donors-support-fight-against-hivaids  For Elizabeth: Mpule Kwelagobe Promotes Responsible Behaviour, Donors' Support, in Fight Against HIV/AIDS, 30 March 2001
{{DEFAULTSORT:Kwelagobe, Mpule}}
[[Category:People from Botswana]]
[[Category:Models]]
[[Category:Miss Universe winners]]</text>
      <sha1>3tods790xfym0s09g57ekqn6m4uuv6p</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147927</id>
      <parentid>3147923</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T00:06:23Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ms Lito</username>
        <id>3105223</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Quotes */ added new quote</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1546" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Mpule Kwelagobe.jpg|thumb|Mpule Kwelagobe]]
'''Mpule Keneilwe Kwelagobe''' (born 14 November 1979) is a [[Botswana]] investor, businesswoman, model, and beauty queen who was crowned [[wikipedia:Miss_Universe_1999|Miss Universe 1999]]. She was the first black African woman to win one of the [[wikipedia:Big_Four_international_beauty_pageants|Big Four international beauty pageants]], the first woman from Botswana to win, and the first from a nation making their debut in nearly four decades. Kwelagobe had previously been crowned [[wikipedia:Miss_Botswana|Miss Botswana 1997]] and [[wikipedia:Miss_Botswana|Miss Universe Botswana 1999]], and competed in [[wikipedia:Miss_World_1997|Miss World 1997]].


{{model-stub}}
{{women-stub}}

== Quotes ==

* Great challenges can also be areas of great strength.

[https://konnectafrica.net/mpule-kwelagobe/ From Botswana with Love: Mpule Kwelagobe’s Youth Empowerment Initiatives], (2015)

* We ought to tackle this problem [HIV/AIDS] and further improve our behaviour. 
** https://www.unfpa.org/news/elizabeth-mpule-kwelagobe-promotes-responsible-behaviour-donors-support-fight-against-hivaids  For Elizabeth: Mpule Kwelagobe Promotes Responsible Behaviour, Donors' Support, in Fight Against HIV/AIDS, 30 March 2001
*I am very honoured that the United Nations Population Fund has realized the potential of what I could do in my country concerning the HIV/AIDS pandemic.
*
{{DEFAULTSORT:Kwelagobe, Mpule}}
[[Category:People from Botswana]]
[[Category:Models]]
[[Category:Miss Universe winners]]</text>
      <sha1>l1mgbmleatxj370c5n45xc3r1rmk2nx</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3147929</id>
      <parentid>3147927</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T00:08:59Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ms Lito</username>
        <id>3105223</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>added new source</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1748" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Mpule Kwelagobe.jpg|thumb|Mpule Kwelagobe]]
'''Mpule Keneilwe Kwelagobe''' (born 14 November 1979) is a [[Botswana]] investor, businesswoman, model, and beauty queen who was crowned [[wikipedia:Miss_Universe_1999|Miss Universe 1999]]. She was the first black African woman to win one of the [[wikipedia:Big_Four_international_beauty_pageants|Big Four international beauty pageants]], the first woman from Botswana to win, and the first from a nation making their debut in nearly four decades. Kwelagobe had previously been crowned [[wikipedia:Miss_Botswana|Miss Botswana 1997]] and [[wikipedia:Miss_Botswana|Miss Universe Botswana 1999]], and competed in [[wikipedia:Miss_World_1997|Miss World 1997]].


{{model-stub}}
{{women-stub}}

== Quotes ==

* Great challenges can also be areas of great strength.

[https://konnectafrica.net/mpule-kwelagobe/ From Botswana with Love: Mpule Kwelagobe’s Youth Empowerment Initiatives], (2015)

* We ought to tackle this problem [HIV/AIDS] and further improve our behaviour. 
** https://www.unfpa.org/news/elizabeth-mpule-kwelagobe-promotes-responsible-behaviour-donors-support-fight-against-hivaids  For Elizabeth: Mpule Kwelagobe Promotes Responsible Behaviour, Donors' Support, in Fight Against HIV/AIDS, 30 March 2001
*I am very honoured that the United Nations Population Fund has realized the potential of what I could do in my country concerning the HIV/AIDS pandemic.
**https://www.unfpa.org/press/miss-universe-mpule-kwelagobe-appointed-unfpa-goodwill-ambassador-botswana Miss Universe, Mpule Kwelagobe, Appointed UNFPA Goodwill Ambassador for Botswana, 08 February 2000
{{DEFAULTSORT:Kwelagobe, Mpule}}
[[Category:People from Botswana]]
[[Category:Models]]
[[Category:Miss Universe winners]]</text>
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      <text bytes="2235" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Mpule Kwelagobe.jpg|thumb|Mpule Kwelagobe]]
'''Mpule Keneilwe Kwelagobe''' (born 14 November 1979) is a [[Botswana]] investor, businesswoman, model, and beauty queen who was crowned [[wikipedia:Miss_Universe_1999|Miss Universe 1999]]. She was the first black African woman to win one of the [[wikipedia:Big_Four_international_beauty_pageants|Big Four international beauty pageants]], the first woman from Botswana to win, and the first from a nation making their debut in nearly four decades. Kwelagobe had previously been crowned [[wikipedia:Miss_Botswana|Miss Botswana 1997]] and [[wikipedia:Miss_Botswana|Miss Universe Botswana 1999]], and competed in [[wikipedia:Miss_World_1997|Miss World 1997]].


{{model-stub}}
{{women-stub}}

== Quotes ==

* Great challenges can also be areas of great strength.

[https://konnectafrica.net/mpule-kwelagobe/ From Botswana with Love: Mpule Kwelagobe’s Youth Empowerment Initiatives], (2015)

* We ought to tackle this problem [HIV/AIDS] and further improve our behaviour. 
** https://www.unfpa.org/news/elizabeth-mpule-kwelagobe-promotes-responsible-behaviour-donors-support-fight-against-hivaids  For Elizabeth: Mpule Kwelagobe Promotes Responsible Behaviour, Donors' Support, in Fight Against HIV/AIDS, 30 March 2001
*I am very honoured that the United Nations Population Fund has realized the potential of what I could do in my country concerning the HIV/AIDS pandemic.
**https://www.unfpa.org/press/miss-universe-mpule-kwelagobe-appointed-unfpa-goodwill-ambassador-botswana Miss Universe, Mpule Kwelagobe, Appointed UNFPA Goodwill Ambassador for Botswana, 08 February 2000
*I believe that through my determination and love for Botswana, I can successfully, through the United Nations Population Fund, accomplish my goal of seeing the HIV statistics drop and having the women of Botswana get the necessary reproductive health care and facilities they need.
**https://www.unfpa.org/press/miss-universe-mpule-kwelagobe-appointed-unfpa-goodwill-ambassador-botswana Miss Universe, Mpule Kwelagobe, Appointed UNFPA Goodwill Ambassador for Botswana, 08 February 2000
{{DEFAULTSORT:Kwelagobe, Mpule}}
[[Category:People from Botswana]]
[[Category:Models]]
[[Category:Miss Universe winners]]</text>
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[[File:Plotinos.jpg|thumb|right|[[Plotinus]], the author of the ''Enneads'']]
The '''''[[w:Enneads|Enneads]]''''' form the foundational textual collection of [[w:Neoplatonism|Neoplatonism]]. It is collection of writings of [[Plotinus]], edited and compiled by his student [[Porphyry (philosopher)|Porphyry]] circa  AD 270. There are 6 books consisting of 9 tractates (or treatises) each, adding up to a total of 54 tractates.

== Quotes ==
::&lt;small&gt;Gerson, Lloyd P., ed. (2018). ''The Enneads''. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press. ISBN 978-1-107-00177-0.&lt;/small&gt;

[[File:Thanksgiving chapel interior.jpg|thumb|Go back into yourself and look.]]
=== Ennead I ===
* How, then, can you see the kind of beauty that a good soul has? '''Go back into yourself and look.''' If you do not yet see yourself as beautiful, then be like a sculptor who, making a statue that is supposed to be beautiful, removes a part here and polishes a part there so that he makes the latter smooth and the former just right until he has given the statue a beautiful face. In the same way, you should remove superfluities and straighten things that are crooked, work on the things that are dark, making them bright, and not stop ‘working on your statue’ until the divine splendour of virtue shines in you, until you see ‘Self-Control enthroned on the holy seat’.
** 1.6.9

[[File:Aurora Australis Over the Tasman Sea from SouthWest National Park.jpg|thumb|right|And he laughs at other loves and is disdainful of the things he previously regarded as beautiful.]]
* We must, then, ascend to the Good, which every soul desires. If someone, then, has seen it, he knows what I mean when I say how beautiful it is. For it is desired as good, and the desire is directed to it as this, though the attainment of it is for those who ascend upward and revert to it and who divest themselves of the garments they put on when they descended. It is just like those who ascend to partake of the sacred religious rites where there are acts of purification and the stripping off of the cloaks they had worn before they go inside naked. One proceeds in the ascent, passing by all that is alien to the god until one sees by oneself alone that which is itself alone uncorrupted, simple, and pure, that upon which everything depends, and in relation to which one looks and exists and lives and thinks. For it is the cause of life and intellect. And, then, if someone sees this, what pangs of love will he feel, what longings and, wanting to be united with it, how would he not be overcome with pleasure? For though it is possible for one who has not yet seen it to desire it as good, for one who has seen it, there is amazement and delight in beauty, and he is filled with pleasure and he undergoes a painless shock, loving with true love and piercing longing. '''And he laughs at other loves and is disdainful of the things he previously regarded as beautiful.'''
** 1.6.7.1–19

=== Ennead II ===
* For the Difference in the intelligible world that produces the matter exists always. For this is the principle of matter, this and the first Motion. For this reason, Motion has been said to be Difference, since Motion and Difference were engendered together. The Motion and Difference that are proceeding from the first are indefinite, and they require the first to be made definite, and they are made definite when they have reverted to it. And matter, too, is previously indefinite insofar as it is different and not yet good and still unilluminated by the first. For if the light derives from the first, then what receives this light, prior to having received it, had always been without light, and it has light as something other than itself, if indeed the light derives from another.
** 2.4.5

[[File:Caspar David Friedrich - Wanderer above the sea of fog.jpg|thumb|right|I ask myself in bewilderment, how on earth did I ever come down here, and how ever did my soul come to be enclosed in a body, being such as it has revealed itself to be, even while in a body?]]
=== Ennead III ===
* Since Intellect is a kind of sight and a sight that is seeing, it will be [like] a potency which is actualized. So, there will be its matter and its form, thoughmatter here is intelligible. Besides, actual seeing, too, is twofold; '''before seeing it was one; then, the one became two and the two one.''' The completion and, in a way, perfecting of sight, then, comes from the sensible, but for the sight of Intellect it is the Good which completes it. 
** 3.8.11

=== Ennead IV ===
* Often, '''after waking up to myself from the body, that is, externalizing myself in relation to all other things, while entering into myself, I behold a beauty of wondrous quality, and believe then that I am most to be identified with my better part''', that I enjoy the best quality of life, and have become united with the divine and situated within it, actualizing myself at that level, and situating myself above all else in the intelligible world. Following on this repose within the divine, and descending from Intellect into acts of calculative reasoning, '''I ask myself in bewilderment, how on earth did I ever come down here, and how ever did my soul come to be enclosed in a body, being such as it has revealed itself to be, even while in a body?'''
** 4.8.1

=== Ennead V ===
[[Image:Sphere and Ball.png|thumb|left|Let there be formed in your soul, then, '''the image of a luminous sphere having all things in it''', whether moving or stable, or some moving and some stable. Keeping this image, take another for yourself by abstracting the mass from it. Abstract, too, places and the semblance of the matter you have in yourself.]]
* Let there be formed in your soul, then, '''the image of a luminous sphere having all things in it''', whether moving or stable, or some moving and some stable. Keeping this image, take another for yourself by abstracting the mass from it. Abstract, too, places and the semblance of the matter you have in yourself. Don’t try to take another sphere smaller than it in mass, but call on the god who made that of which you have a semblance, and pray for him to come. And he might come bearing his cosmos with all of the gods in it, being one and all of them, and each is all coming together as one, each with different powers, though all are one by that multiple single power. '''Rather, it is that one god who is all.''' For he lacks nothing, if all those gods should become what they are. They are all together and each is separate, again, in indivisible rest, having no sensible shape – for if they had, one would be in one place, and one in another, and each would not have all in himself. Nor do they have different parts in different places, nor all in the identical place, nor is each whole like a power fragmented, being quantifiable, like measured parts. It is rather all power, extending without limit, being unlimited in power. And in this way, the god is great, as the parts of it are all unlimited. For where could one say that he is not already present?
** 5.8.9
* In fact, one must not try to discover where it comes from. For there is not any ‘where’; it neither comes from nor goes anywhere, it both appears and does not appear. For this reason, '''it is necessary not to pursue it, but to remain in stillness, until it should appear, preparing oneself to be a contemplator, just like the eye awaits the rising sun.''' The sun rising over the horizon – the poets say ‘from Ocean’ – gives itself to be seen with the eyes.
** 5.5.8

=== Ennead VI ===
[[File:JUL Soul Iris.png|thumb|right|One has come to belong to the Good, and has become one, like a centre touching a centre point.]]
[[File:David von Michelangelo.jpg|thumb|right|It is like someone who enters the inner sanctum and leaves behind the statues of the gods in the temple.]]
[[File:Laudtee Meenikunnos.jpg|thumb|right|If one moves from oneself, as from the image to the archetype, then he reaches ‘journey’s end’.]]
* '''It is like someone who enters the inner sanctum and leaves behind the statues of the gods in the temple.''' And these are the first things one sees on leaving the inner sanctum after the vision within. The intimate contact within is not with a statue or an image, but with the One itself. The statue and the image are actually secondary visions, whereas the One itself is indeed not a vision, but another manner of seeing. It is self-transcendence, simplification, and surrender, an urging towards touch, a resting, concentration on alignment, if one is to have a vision of what is in the sanctum. 
** 6.9.11

* If, then, one sees oneself having become this, then one has himself as a likeness of that; '''and if one moves from oneself, as from the image to the archetype, then he reaches ‘journey’s end’.''' And when one drops out of the vision, then one wakens virtue in oneself again; and seeing oneself ordered by virtues one is again uplifted by virtue, in the direction of intellect, and wisdom; and through wisdom, towards oneself. '''This is the way of life of gods, and divine, happy human beings, the release from everything here, a way of life that takes no pleasure in things here, the refuge of a solitary in the solitary.'''
** 6.9.11

* For at the time [of union], the seeing self neither sees nor discerns, nor imagines two things, but has, in a way, become another, and not oneself, nor does one belong to oneself in the intelligible world. '''One has come to belong to the Good, and has become one, like a centre touching a centre point.''' In the sensible world, too, when the circles come together they are one, but when they separate they are two. This is what we mean now when we say ‘different’. For this reason, the vision is hard to make out. For how can someone report that he has seen something different, when he did not see something different in the intelligible world when he had his vision, but rather something united to himself?
** 6.9.10

== See also ==
* [[:Category:Works by Plato|Works by Plato]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{wikisource}}

[[Category:Philosophical works]]
[[Category:Ancient Greek texts]]</text>
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[[File:Plotinos.jpg|thumb|right|[[Plotinus]], the author of the ''Enneads'']]
The '''''[[w:Enneads|Enneads]]''''' form the foundational textual collection of [[w:Neoplatonism|Neoplatonism]]. It is collection of writings of [[Plotinus]], edited and compiled by his student [[Porphyry (philosopher)|Porphyry]] circa  AD 270. There are 6 books consisting of 9 tractates (or treatises) each, adding up to a total of 54 tractates.

== Quotes ==
::&lt;small&gt;Gerson, Lloyd P., ed. (2018). ''The Enneads''. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press. ISBN 978-1-107-00177-0.&lt;/small&gt;

[[File:Thanksgiving chapel interior.jpg|thumb|Go back into yourself and look.]]
=== Ennead I ===
* How, then, can you see the kind of beauty that a good soul has? '''Go back into yourself and look.''' If you do not yet see yourself as beautiful, then be like a sculptor who, making a statue that is supposed to be beautiful, removes a part here and polishes a part there so that he makes the latter smooth and the former just right until he has given the statue a beautiful face. In the same way, you should remove superfluities and straighten things that are crooked, work on the things that are dark, making them bright, and not stop ‘working on your statue’ until the divine splendour of virtue shines in you, until you see ‘Self-Control enthroned on the holy seat’.
** 1.6.9

[[File:Aurora Australis Over the Tasman Sea from SouthWest National Park.jpg|thumb|right|And he laughs at other loves and is disdainful of the things he previously regarded as beautiful.]]
* We must, then, ascend to the Good, which every soul desires. If someone, then, has seen it, he knows what I mean when I say how beautiful it is. For it is desired as good, and the desire is directed to it as this, though the attainment of it is for those who ascend upward and revert to it and who divest themselves of the garments they put on when they descended. It is just like those who ascend to partake of the sacred religious rites where there are acts of purification and the stripping off of the cloaks they had worn before they go inside naked. One proceeds in the ascent, passing by all that is alien to the god until one sees by oneself alone that which is itself alone uncorrupted, simple, and pure, that upon which everything depends, and in relation to which one looks and exists and lives and thinks. For it is the cause of life and intellect. And, then, if someone sees this, what pangs of love will he feel, what longings and, wanting to be united with it, how would he not be overcome with pleasure? For though it is possible for one who has not yet seen it to desire it as good, for one who has seen it, there is amazement and delight in beauty, and he is filled with pleasure and he undergoes a painless shock, loving with true love and piercing longing. '''And he laughs at other loves and is disdainful of the things he previously regarded as beautiful.'''
** 1.6.7.1–19

=== Ennead II ===
* For the Difference in the intelligible world that produces the matter exists always. For this is the principle of matter, this and the first Motion. For this reason, Motion has been said to be Difference, since Motion and Difference were engendered together. The Motion and Difference that are proceeding from the first are indefinite, and they require the first to be made definite, and they are made definite when they have reverted to it. And matter, too, is previously indefinite insofar as it is different and not yet good and still unilluminated by the first. For if the light derives from the first, then what receives this light, prior to having received it, had always been without light, and it has light as something other than itself, if indeed the light derives from another.
** 2.4.5

[[File:Caspar David Friedrich - Wanderer above the sea of fog.jpg|thumb|right|I ask myself in bewilderment, how on earth did I ever come down here, and how ever did my soul come to be enclosed in a body, being such as it has revealed itself to be, even while in a body?]]
=== Ennead III ===
* Since Intellect is a kind of sight and a sight that is seeing, it will be [like] a potency which is actualized. So, there will be its matter and its form, thoughmatter here is intelligible. Besides, actual seeing, too, is twofold; '''before seeing it was one; then, the one became two and the two one.''' The completion and, in a way, perfecting of sight, then, comes from the sensible, but for the sight of Intellect it is the Good which completes it. 
** 3.8.11

=== Ennead IV ===
* Often, '''after waking up to myself from the body, that is, externalizing myself in relation to all other things, while entering into myself, I behold a beauty of wondrous quality, and believe then that I am most to be identified with my better part''', that I enjoy the best quality of life, and have become united with the divine and situated within it, actualizing myself at that level, and situating myself above all else in the intelligible world. Following on this repose within the divine, and descending from Intellect into acts of calculative reasoning, '''I ask myself in bewilderment, how on earth did I ever come down here, and how ever did my soul come to be enclosed in a body, being such as it has revealed itself to be, even while in a body?'''
** 4.8.1

=== Ennead V ===
[[Image:Sphere and Ball.png|thumb|left|Let there be formed in your soul, then, '''the image of a luminous sphere having all things in it''', whether moving or stable, or some moving and some stable. Keeping this image, take another for yourself by abstracting the mass from it. Abstract, too, places and the semblance of the matter you have in yourself.]]
* Let there be formed in your soul, then, '''the image of a luminous sphere having all things in it''', whether moving or stable, or some moving and some stable. Keeping this image, take another for yourself by abstracting the mass from it. Abstract, too, places and the semblance of the matter you have in yourself. Don’t try to take another sphere smaller than it in mass, but call on the god who made that of which you have a semblance, and pray for him to come. And he might come bearing his cosmos with all of the gods in it, being one and all of them, and each is all coming together as one, each with different powers, though all are one by that multiple single power. '''Rather, it is that one god who is all.''' For he lacks nothing, if all those gods should become what they are. They are all together and each is separate, again, in indivisible rest, having no sensible shape – for if they had, one would be in one place, and one in another, and each would not have all in himself. Nor do they have different parts in different places, nor all in the identical place, nor is each whole like a power fragmented, being quantifiable, like measured parts. It is rather all power, extending without limit, being unlimited in power. And in this way, the god is great, as the parts of it are all unlimited. For where could one say that he is not already present?
** 5.8.9
* In fact, one must not try to discover where it [the One] comes from. For there is not any ‘where’; it neither comes from nor goes anywhere, it both appears and does not appear. For this reason, '''it is necessary not to pursue it, but to remain in [[hesychia|stillness]], until it should appear, preparing oneself to be a contemplator, just like the eye awaits the rising sun.''' The sun rising over the horizon – the poets say ‘from Ocean’ – gives itself to be seen with the eyes.
** 5.5.8

=== Ennead VI ===
[[File:JUL Soul Iris.png|thumb|right|One has come to belong to the Good, and has become one, like a centre touching a centre point.]]
[[File:David von Michelangelo.jpg|thumb|right|It is like someone who enters the inner sanctum and leaves behind the statues of the gods in the temple.]]
[[File:Laudtee Meenikunnos.jpg|thumb|right|If one moves from oneself, as from the image to the archetype, then he reaches ‘journey’s end’.]]
* '''It is like someone who enters the inner sanctum and leaves behind the statues of the gods in the temple.''' And these are the first things one sees on leaving the inner sanctum after the vision within. The intimate contact within is not with a statue or an image, but with the One itself. The statue and the image are actually secondary visions, whereas the One itself is indeed not a vision, but another manner of seeing. It is self-transcendence, simplification, and surrender, an urging towards touch, a resting, concentration on alignment, if one is to have a vision of what is in the sanctum. 
** 6.9.11

* If, then, one sees oneself having become this, then one has himself as a likeness of that; '''and if one moves from oneself, as from the image to the archetype, then he reaches ‘journey’s end’.''' And when one drops out of the vision, then one wakens virtue in oneself again; and seeing oneself ordered by virtues one is again uplifted by virtue, in the direction of intellect, and wisdom; and through wisdom, towards oneself. '''This is the way of life of gods, and divine, happy human beings, the release from everything here, a way of life that takes no pleasure in things here, the refuge of a solitary in the solitary.'''
** 6.9.11

* For at the time [of union], the seeing self neither sees nor discerns, nor imagines two things, but has, in a way, become another, and not oneself, nor does one belong to oneself in the intelligible world. '''One has come to belong to the Good, and has become one, like a centre touching a centre point.''' In the sensible world, too, when the circles come together they are one, but when they separate they are two. This is what we mean now when we say ‘different’. For this reason, the vision is hard to make out. For how can someone report that he has seen something different, when he did not see something different in the intelligible world when he had his vision, but rather something united to himself?
** 6.9.10

== See also ==
* [[:Category:Works by Plato|Works by Plato]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{wikisource}}

[[Category:Philosophical works]]
[[Category:Ancient Greek texts]]</text>
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'''[[w:Benny Gantz|Benny Gantz]]''' ([[w:Hebrew language|Hebrew]]: בִּנְיָמִין &quot;בֵּנִי&quot; גַּנְץ‎‎; born [[9 June]] [[1959]]) is an Israeli politician serving as the 1st [[w:Alternate Prime Minister of Israel|Alternate Prime Minister of Israel]] in 2020–2021 and incumbent [[w:Ministry of Defense (Israel)|Minister of Defense]] since 17 May 2020.


{{political-stub}}

==Quotes==
* We will increase our vigilance and readiness to thwart [[terrorism|terror]] ... and will continue to take any measures necessary in facing terror groups in the area.
** Benny Gantz (2021) cited in &quot;[https://www.i24news.tv/en/news/israel/politics/1639719263-israel-s-politicians-promise-to-apprehend-west-bank-gunmen Israel’s politicians promise to apprehend West Bank gunmen]&quot; on ''i24 News'', 17 December 2021.

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Commons category}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Gantz, Benny}}
[[Category:1959 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Israeli Jews]]
[[Category:Israeli politicians]]
[[Category:Government ministers]]</text>
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        <id>3126681</id>
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      <text bytes="1149" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Benny Gantz 2019 (cropped).jpg|thumb|Benny Gantz in 2019]]

'''[[w:Benny Gantz|Benny Gantz]]''' ([[w:Hebrew language|Hebrew]]: בִּנְיָמִין &quot;בֵּנִי&quot; גַּנְץ‎‎; born [[9 June]] [[1959]]) is an Israeli politician serving as the 1st [[w:Alternate Prime Minister of Israel|Alternate Prime Minister of Israel]] in 2020–2021 and incumbent [[w:Ministry of Defense (Israel)|Minister of Defense]] since 17 May 2020.


{{political-stub}}

==Quotes==
* We will increase our vigilance and readiness to thwart [[terrorism|terror]] ... and will continue to take any measures necessary in facing terror groups in the area.
** Benny Gantz (2021) cited in &quot;[https://www.i24news.tv/en/news/israel/politics/1639719263-israel-s-politicians-promise-to-apprehend-west-bank-gunmen Israel’s politicians promise to apprehend West Bank gunmen]&quot; on ''i24 News'', 17 December 2021.

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Commons category}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Gantz, Benny}}
[[Category:1959 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Israeli Jews]]
[[Category:Israeli politicians]]
[[Category:Government ministers]]
[[Category:Military leaders]]</text>
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        <username>Ahti-Saku</username>
        <id>3126681</id>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1157" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Benny Gantz 2019 (cropped).jpg|thumb|Benny Gantz in 2019]]

'''[[w:Benny Gantz|Benny Gantz]]''' ([[w:Hebrew language|Hebrew]]: בִּנְיָמִין &quot;בֵּנִי&quot; גַּנְץ‎‎; born [[9 June]] [[1959]]) is an Israeli politician serving as the 1st [[w:Alternate Prime Minister of Israel|Alternate Prime Minister of Israel]] in 2020–2021 and incumbent [[w:Ministry of Defense (Israel)|Minister of Defense]] since 17 May 2020.


{{political-stub}}

==Quotes==
* We will increase our vigilance and readiness to thwart [[terrorism|terror]] ... and will continue to take any measures necessary in facing terror groups in the area.
** Benny Gantz (2021) cited in &quot;[https://www.i24news.tv/en/news/israel/politics/1639719263-israel-s-politicians-promise-to-apprehend-west-bank-gunmen Israel’s politicians promise to apprehend West Bank gunmen]&quot; on ''i24 News'', 17 December 2021.

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Commons category}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Gantz, Benny}}
[[Category:1959 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Israeli Jews]]
[[Category:Israeli politicians]]
[[Category:Government ministers]]
[[Category:Israeli military leaders]]</text>
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      <text bytes="17636" xml:space="preserve"> {{vfd-new}}[[W:Steven R. Donziger|'''Steven R. Donziger''']] (born September 14, 1961) is an American attorney known for his legal battles with [[W:Chevron Corporation|Chevron]] particularly the [[W:Lago Agrio oil field|Lago Agrio oil field]] case in which he represented over 30,000 farmers and indigenous [[Ecuador|Ecuadorans]] in a case against Chevron related to environmental damage and health effects caused by oil drilling. In 2013  Ecuadoran courts awarded the plaintiffs $9.5 billion in damages, which led Chevron to withdraw its assets from Ecuador and launch legal action against Donziger in the US. In 2011, Chevron filed a RICO (anti-corruption) suit against Donziger in New York City. As a result of this case, Donziger was disbarred from practicing law in New York in 2018, put under house arrest in August 2019 while awaiting trial on charges of criminal contempt of court, in July 2021, a  US District Judge found him guilty; he was sentenced to 6 months in jail in October 2021.    
[[File:Steven Donziger Interview.png|thumb|Steven Donziger (July 2021)]]
{{Stub}}
==Quotes==
&lt;small&gt;(most recent first)&lt;/small&gt;
*'''I was not prosecuted by the U.S. government. I was prosecuted by a private law firm, [[w:Seward &amp; Kissel|Seward &amp; Kissel]], appointed by a federal judge after the U.S. government declined to prosecute me. And the judge never disclosed that the law firm had [[W:Chevron Corporation|Chevron]] as a client. So, essentially, I’m being prosecuted by a Chevron law firm, a partner in a Chevron law firm, a private law firm, who deprived me of my [[liberty]]...  this is the first corporate prosecution in U.S. history.''' I have never seen a case like this, nor have other legal experts that work with me. And, you know, we just think, you know, to restore the [[rule of law]]...this case has to be stopped and taken over by the [[W:United States Department of Justice|Department of Justice]]. I mean, they could do what they want with it. I mean, if they went to prosecute me, prosecute me, but I need to be prosecuted by a neutral prosecutor, not by Chevron... What’s really happening here is Chevron and these two judges and, really, allies of the [[W:fossil fuel industry|fossil fuel industry]] are trying to use me as a weapon to intimidate [[Activism|activists]] and [[lawyers]] who do this work, who do the frontline work of defending the [[life|planet]]. What’s... at stake is the ability to advocate for [[human rights]] in our society. 
**[https://www.democracynow.org/2021/10/27/steven_donziger_judicial_harassment_from_chevron Lawyer Steven Donziger, Who Sued Chevron over “Amazon Chernobyl,” Ordered to Prison After House Arrest, ''Democracy Now!''], October 27, 2021
[[File:Texaco in Ecuador.jpg|thumb|Basically, [[W:Chevron Corporation|Chevron]], in the form of [[W:Texaco|Texaco]], its predecessor company, went into the Amazon of Ecuador and decided to create an operational system, with literally hundreds of wells, where they deliberately dumped toxic waste into waters — into rivers and streams that Indigenous groups relied on for their drinking water, bathing and fishing, creating a mass industrial poisoning of a 1,500 square mile area. And literally hundreds, if not thousands, of people have died.]]
*I mean, the things I was charged with were — I was a lawyer litigating various court orders, you know, for years,  ethically. You know, I’m proud of my work. And this judge just went after me. '''I’m the only lawyer ever in U.S. history to be charged with criminal contempt of court for challenging a civil discovery order on appeal.''' That’s essentially what happened.... Basically, [[W:Chevron Corporation|Chevron]], in the form of [[W:Texaco|Texaco]], its predecessor company, went into the [[W:The Amazon|Amazon]] of [[Ecuador]] and decided to create... literally hundreds of wells, where they deliberately dumped toxic waste into waters — into rivers and streams that [[Indigenous peoples|Indigenous groups]] relied on for their drinking water, bathing and fishing, creating a mass industrial poisoning of a 1,500 square mile area. And literally hundreds, if not thousands, of people have died. I’ve been there over 250 times... The affected communities went to court... They won the case. Chevron has attacked me, attacked [[Ecuador|them]], for 10 years, with the help of these federal judges... In the meantime, people are suffering... the degree of contamination is appalling. I mean, it is the Amazon [[Chernobyl disaster|Chernobyl]]. It’s the very definition of [[ecocide]]... it’s just a deliberate decision, in order to save money, to dump 16 billion gallons of cancer-causing waste onto Indigenous ancestral lands.
**[https://www.democracynow.org/2021/10/27/steven_donziger_judicial_harassment_from_chevron Lawyer Steven Donziger, Who Sued Chevron over “Amazon Chernobyl,” Ordered to Prison After House Arrest, ''Democracy Now!''], October 27, 2021

*I am wearing an ankle bracelet. It’s about the size of a garage door opener. It’s been on my ankle since August 6, 2019. I sleep with it. I eat with that. I bathe with it. It never leaves my ankle. And it allows the government to monitor my whereabouts on a 24/7 basis.  I mean, the fundamental issue here is [[W:Chevron Corporation|Chevron]] destroyed the Ecuadorian Amazon, and I was part of a legal team that held the company accountable. The decision in Ecuador has been affirmed by multiple appellate courts in Ecuador and Canada.   What Chevron did is, rather than pay the judgment that it owes to the thousands of people in Ecuador that it poisoned, it’s gone after me and other lawyers. And in the United States, Chevron sued me for $60 billion, which is the largest potential personal liability in the history of our country.&lt;BR&gt;Chevron then launched a campaign to really try to drive me out of the case. And as part of their strategy, t'''hey demanded to see my confidential communications with my clients, including everything on my cellphone and computer. And when I appealed that to the higher court here in New York, while the appeal was pending, [[W:Lewis A. Kaplan|Judge Kaplan]] charged me with criminal contempt of court for not complying with the order while the lawfulness of the order was under appeal. He then had me locked up in my home.''' 
**[https://www.democracynow.org/2021/3/15/steven_donziger_house_arrest_chevron U.S. Lawyer Steven Donziger Speaks from House Arrest in NYC After Suing Chevron for Amazon Oil Spills, ''Democracy Now!'']  March 15, 2021
 
*So, what’s really happening here is, '''[[W:Chevron Corporation|Chevron]]and its allies have used the judiciary to try to attack the very idea of corporate [[accountability]] and environmental justice work that leads to significant judgments. And I think they’re not only trying to retaliate against me; they’re trying to send a broader message to the [[Activism|activist]] community, to the legal community, that these types of cases, that truly challenge the [[W:fossil fuel industry|fossil fuel industry]], that are intimately connected to the survival of our planet, should not be allowed to happen in court,''' at least not at this level.   
**[https://www.democracynow.org/2021/3/15/steven_donziger_house_arrest_chevron U.S. Lawyer Steven Donziger Speaks from House Arrest in NYC After Suing Chevron for Amazon Oil Spills, ''Democracy Now!'']  March 15, 2021
*Basically, since we won the case in Ecuador, I've been targeted with probably the most vicious corporate counterattack in American history involving dozens of law firms, 2,000 lawyers, probably a billion-plus dollars in professional fees. All with the express purpose by [[W:Chevron Corporation|Chevron]] to demonize me, rather than pay the Ecuador judgment that the company owes to the Indigenous peoples of the Amazon... &lt;BR&gt;A'''s the case was coming to an end in Ecuador, Chevron's lawyers and executives made it clear they would never pay the judgment. They sold their assets in Ecuador, so the Ecuadorians would have nothing to collect.''' They threatened the Indigenous peoples with “a lifetime of litigation” if they didn't drop their case. They also started to attack Ecuador's judicial system...  Chevron knew that the evidence against them was overwhelming, and they were going to lose the Ecuador case. &lt;BR&gt;So they tried to come up with a strategy to block enforcement of the Ecuador judgment against their assets in other countries. To do that, they needed to somehow allege that the judgment in Ecuador was the product of fraud. The way they did that is t'''hey paid a former Ecuadoran judge, moved his family to the United States, paid his income taxes. Their lawyers coached him for 53 days. And ultimately he came into federal court and testified I approved the bribe of a trial judge in Ecuador.... He has recanted most of his testimony. He's admitted that he has repeatedly lied in U.S. federal court. He admitted under oath. He's thoroughly discredited...''' 
**Quoted in [https://www.esquire.com/news-politics/a35812573/steven-donziger-chevron-house-arrest/ 'I've Been Targeted With Probably the Most Vicious Corporate Counterattack in American History'  Jack Holmes, ''Esquire'']   March 18, 2021

*So [[W:Chevron Corporation|Chevron]] has paid massive sums of money as part of a demonization campaign targeting me.... What they try to do is use the law and weaponize it to criminalize [[activism]], and I'm Exhibit A. I don't think they've been really that successful. If you look at me online and see my following, there's a lot of people who believe me and know what is really going on here. They keep trying, but I'm also not sitting back. I'm putting what I believe is my truthful narrative out there every which way I can. And that's important.&lt;BR&gt; Right now, now there's two narratives. There's the Chevron/Kaplan narrative. And then there's the Ecuador court/Donziger narrative, and they're competing. I happen to believe ours is truthful, and theirs is part of what I call '''Chevron's Big Lie.'''&lt;br&gt; ...'''This goes way beyond me. It goes to really what kind of society we want in America. How does one man get so targeted by an oil company such that he's being prosecuted by one of their law firms? What does that mean for other advocates? What does that mean for environmental justice advocates and corporate accountability advocates and lawyers? What does that mean for our planet? Because if you can't do this kind of legal work to hold these polluters accountable, the destruction of the earth will happen at a faster pace.''' 
**Quoted in [https://www.esquire.com/news-politics/a35812573/steven-donziger-chevron-house-arrest/ 'I've Been Targeted With Probably the Most Vicious Corporate Counterattack in American History'  Jack Holmes, ''Esquire'']   Mar 18, 2021

*It has become clear to me in recent months that my unprecedented house arrest is the result of apparent misconduct and conflicts of interest by a number of people in the judiciary. It feels like [[w:Chevron Corporation|Chevron]] has taken over the role of government to deprive its main litigation adversary of his freedom. That’s a terrifying prospect for me and my family, but also for everybody who cares about the nature of freedom and advocacy in our society. I don’t think it has ever happened before. I hope it never happens again.
**Quoted in [https://www.thenation.com/article/environment/chevron-persecution-steven-donziger/ Chevron Tightens the Screws on Steven Donziger, By James North, ''The Nation''], May 28, 2020

==Quotes about==
&lt;small&gt;(most recent first)&lt;/small&gt;
*We are relieved that Steven Donziger will finally recover his freedom after almost 1,000 days of arbitrary detention, which included 45 days in prison and over 900 days under house arrest. He should have never been detained for even one day, as it has been clear the whole process against him has been in retaliation for his human rights work that exposed corporate wrongdoings
** [https://www.amnesty.org/en/latest/news/2022/04/usa-steven-donzigers-release/  USA: After almost 1,000 days of arbitrary detention, Steven Donziger’s release highlights urgent need for action against SLAPPs] (April 25, 2022)

*Ahead of Steven Donziger's sentencing scheduled for Friday, five United Nations human rights experts ruled that the American attorney who won a multibillion-dollar judgment against [[W:Chevron Corporation|Chevron]] in Ecuadorian courts has been &quot;arbitrarily&quot; detained in the U.S. for 787 days... The Working Group on Arbitrary Detention, made up of independent experts appointed by the U.N. Human Rights Council, said that it was &quot;appalled by uncontested allegations in this case,&quot; noting that the U.S. government did not respond to its request for input... the working group called on the U.S. government to &quot;take the steps necessary to remedy the situation of Mr. Steven Donziger without delay and bring it in conformity with the relevant international norms, including those set out in the [[Universal Declaration of Human Rights]] and the [[w:International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights|International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights]].
**[https://www.commondreams.org/news/2021/09/30/appalled-un-human-rights-experts-urge-immediate-release-compensation-steven-donziger Appalled' UN Human Rights Experts Urge Immediate Release, Compensation for Steven Donziger, Jessica Corbett,  ''Common Dreams'']  September 30, 2021

*Steven Donziger has been under house arrest for over 580 days, awaiting trial on a misdemeanor charge. It’s all, he says, because he beat a multinational energy corporation in court. 
**[https://www.esquire.com/news-politics/a35812573/steven-donziger-chevron-house-arrest/ 'I've Been Targeted With Probably the Most Vicious Corporate Counterattack in American History'  Jack Holmes, ''Esquire'']   Mar 18, 2021

*The [[W:Chevron corporation|Chevron corporation]]’s legal onslaught against the environmental lawyer Steven Donziger continues. The oil giant and two federal judges in New York are apparently in a de facto alliance to persecute Donziger, who in 2013 helped win a landmark $9.5 billion legal victory against the company for polluting vast stretches of rain forest in Ecuador... Federal Judge [[w:Loretta Preska|Loretta Preska]], who has already kept Donziger under huse arrest in New York City for the past 10 months, on May 18 refused his request to relax his confinement before his trial for contempt, which will not start until September 9. Donziger’s attorney had asked Preska to allow him out of his Upper West Side apartment for three hours a day. Preska said no. She repeated her preposterous claim that Donziger could be a flight risk, saying, “I could be to the airport and on an airplane in three hours.”   Donziger lives with his wife and 13-year-old son. He has already surrendered his passport. 
**[https://www.thenation.com/article/environment/chevron-persecution-steven-donziger/ Chevron Tightens the Screws on Steven Donziger, By James North, ''The Nation''], May 28, 2020

* What’s disgraceful is that the maximum jail sentence that Donziger would face if he’s found guilty of contempt is six months—less than half the time he will have already spent locked up... It is this kind of questionable conduct from the federal bench that prompted Frisch to file an emergency motion on May 11 at the US Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit accusing Preska and Judge Lewis A. Kaplan, who has pursued Donziger since 2011, with “abuses of power and discretion.” Donziger’s supporters argue that Chevron’s own lawyers are collaborating in the effort to persecute him.
**[https://www.thenation.com/article/environment/chevron-persecution-steven-donziger/ Chevron Tightens the Screws on Steven Donziger, By James North, ''The Nation''], May 28, 2020 

*bI have never seen anything like this attempt to destroy Steven Donziger. [[w: Chevron Corporation|Chevron]] and its law firms have taken control of the awesome power of government to prosecute an environmental activist and deprive him of his liberty. They have done so with the active complicity of two federal judges. It’s something I’ve never before seen in my career.
**[[W:Martin Garbus|Martin Garbus]] quoted in [https://www.thenation.com/article/environment/chevron-persecution-steven-donziger/ Chevron Tightens the Screws on Steven Donziger, By James North, ''The Nation''], May 28, 2020

*Meanwhile, the global support for Donziger is growing. Some 29 Nobel laureates, including nine Peace Prize winners, signed a letter calling for] “a judicial remedy for the legal attacks orchestrated by Chevron against Donziger and for the defamation of his character.”
**[https://www.thenation.com/article/environment/chevron-persecution-steven-donziger/ Chevron Tightens the Screws on Steven Donziger, By James North, ''The Nation''], May 28, 2020

==See also==
*[[Activism]]
*[[Capitalism]]
*[[Confessions of an Economic Hit Man|''Confessions of an Economic Hitman'']]
*[[Corruption]]
*[[Crimes against humanity]]
*[[Ecocide]]
*[[Ecuador]]
* [[Fossil fuel divestment]]
*[[Greed]]
*[[Human rights]]
*[[Imperialism]]
*[[Injustice]]
*[[Latin America]]
*[[Noblesse oblige]]
*[[Racism]]
*[[Tyranny]]
*[[Universal Declaration of Human Rights]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Donziger, Steven}}
[[Category:Journalists from the United States]]
[[Category:Lawyers from the United States]]
[[Category:Climate change activists]]
[[Category:Activists from the United States]]
[[Category:1961 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:People from Jacksonville]]</text>
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      <text bytes="11711" xml:space="preserve"> {{vfd-new}}[[W:Steven R. Donziger|'''Steven R. Donziger''']] (born September 14, 1961) is an American attorney known for his legal battles with [[W:Chevron Corporation|Chevron]] particularly the [[W:Lago Agrio oil field|Lago Agrio oil field]] case in which he represented over 30,000 farmers and indigenous [[Ecuador|Ecuadorans]] in a case against Chevron related to environmental damage and health effects caused by oil drilling. In 2013  Ecuadoran courts awarded the plaintiffs $9.5 billion in damages, which led Chevron to withdraw its assets from Ecuador and launch legal action against Donziger in the US. In 2011, Chevron filed a RICO (anti-corruption) suit against Donziger in New York City. As a result of this case, Donziger was disbarred from practicing law in New York in 2018, put under house arrest in August 2019 while awaiting trial on charges of criminal contempt of court, in July 2021, a  US District Judge found him guilty; he was sentenced to 6 months in jail in October 2021.    
[[File:Steven Donziger Interview.png|thumb|Steven Donziger (July 2021)]]
{{Stub}}
==Quotes==
&lt;small&gt;(most recent first)&lt;/small&gt;
*'''I was not prosecuted by the U.S. government. I was prosecuted by a private law firm, [[w:Seward &amp; Kissel|Seward &amp; Kissel]], appointed by a federal judge after the U.S. government declined to prosecute me. And the judge never disclosed that the law firm had [[W:Chevron Corporation|Chevron]] as a client. So, essentially, I’m being prosecuted by a Chevron law firm, a partner in a Chevron law firm, a private law firm, who deprived me of my [[liberty]]...  this is the first corporate prosecution in U.S. history... What’s really happening here is Chevron and these two judges and, really, allies of the [[W:fossil fuel industry|fossil fuel industry]] are trying to use me as a weapon to intimidate [[Activism|activists]] and [[lawyers]] who do this work, who do the frontline work of defending the [[life|planet]]. What’s... at stake is the ability to advocate for [[human rights]] in our society. 
**[https://www.democracynow.org/2021/10/27/steven_donziger_judicial_harassment_from_chevron Lawyer Steven Donziger, Who Sued Chevron over “Amazon Chernobyl,” Ordered to Prison After House Arrest, ''Democracy Now!''], October 27, 2021
[[File:Texaco in Ecuador.jpg|thumb|'''I’m the only lawyer ever in U.S. history to be charged with criminal contempt of court for challenging a civil discovery order on appeal.''' [https://www.democracynow.org/2021/10/27/steven_donziger_judicial_harassment_from_chevron Lawyer Steven Donziger, Who Sued Chevron over “Amazon Chernobyl,” Ordered to Prison After House Arrest, ''Democracy Now!''], October 27, 2021]]

*So, what’s really happening here is, '''[[W:Chevron Corporation|Chevron]]and its allies have used the judiciary to try to attack the very idea of corporate [[accountability]] and environmental justice work that leads to significant judgments. And I think they’re not only trying to retaliate against me; they’re trying to send a broader message to the [[Activism|activist]] community, to the legal community, that these types of cases, that truly challenge the [[W:fossil fuel industry|fossil fuel industry]], that are intimately connected to the survival of our planet, should not be allowed to happen in court,''' at least not at this level.   
**[https://www.democracynow.org/2021/3/15/steven_donziger_house_arrest_chevron U.S. Lawyer Steven Donziger Speaks from House Arrest in NYC After Suing Chevron for Amazon Oil Spills, ''Democracy Now!'']  March 15, 2021

* As the case was coming to an end in Ecuador, Chevron's lawyers and executives made it clear they would never pay the judgment. They sold their assets in Ecuador, so the Ecuadorians would have nothing to collect. They threatened the Indigenous peoples with “a lifetime of litigation” if they didn't drop their case.
**Quoted in [https://www.esquire.com/news-politics/a35812573/steven-donziger-chevron-house-arrest/ 'I've Been Targeted With Probably the Most Vicious Corporate Counterattack in American History'  Jack Holmes, ''Esquire'']   March 18, 2021

* This goes way beyond me. It goes to really what kind of society we want in America. How does one man get so targeted by an oil company such that he's being prosecuted by one of their law firms? What does that mean for other advocates? What does that mean for environmental justice advocates and corporate accountability advocates and lawyers? What does that mean for our planet? Because if you can't do this kind of legal work to hold these polluters accountable, the destruction of the earth will happen at a faster pace.''' 
**Quoted in [https://www.esquire.com/news-politics/a35812573/steven-donziger-chevron-house-arrest/ 'I've Been Targeted With Probably the Most Vicious Corporate Counterattack in American History'  Jack Holmes, ''Esquire'']   Mar 18, 2021

*It has become clear to me in recent months that my unprecedented house arrest is the result of apparent misconduct and conflicts of interest by a number of people in the judiciary. It feels like [[w:Chevron Corporation|Chevron]] has taken over the role of government to deprive its main litigation adversary of his freedom. That’s a terrifying prospect for me and my family, but also for everybody who cares about the nature of freedom and advocacy in our society. I don’t think it has ever happened before. I hope it never happens again.
**Quoted in [https://www.thenation.com/article/environment/chevron-persecution-steven-donziger/ Chevron Tightens the Screws on Steven Donziger, By James North, ''The Nation''], May 28, 2020

==Quotes about==
&lt;small&gt;(most recent first)&lt;/small&gt;
*We are relieved that Steven Donziger will finally recover his freedom after almost 1,000 days of arbitrary detention, which included 45 days in prison and over 900 days under house arrest. He should have never been detained for even one day, as it has been clear the whole process against him has been in retaliation for his human rights work that exposed corporate wrongdoings
** [https://www.amnesty.org/en/latest/news/2022/04/usa-steven-donzigers-release/  USA: After almost 1,000 days of arbitrary detention, Steven Donziger’s release highlights urgent need for action against SLAPPs] (April 25, 2022)

*Ahead of Steven Donziger's sentencing scheduled for Friday, five United Nations human rights experts ruled that the American attorney who won a multibillion-dollar judgment against [[W:Chevron Corporation|Chevron]] in Ecuadorian courts has been &quot;arbitrarily&quot; detained in the U.S. for 787 days... The Working Group on Arbitrary Detention, made up of independent experts appointed by the U.N. Human Rights Council, said that it was &quot;appalled by uncontested allegations in this case,&quot; noting that the U.S. government did not respond to its request for input... the working group called on the U.S. government to &quot;take the steps necessary to remedy the situation of Mr. Steven Donziger without delay and bring it in conformity with the relevant international norms, including those set out in the [[Universal Declaration of Human Rights]] and the [[w:International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights|International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights]].
**[https://www.commondreams.org/news/2021/09/30/appalled-un-human-rights-experts-urge-immediate-release-compensation-steven-donziger Appalled' UN Human Rights Experts Urge Immediate Release, Compensation for Steven Donziger, Jessica Corbett,  ''Common Dreams'']  September 30, 2021

*Steven Donziger has been under house arrest for over 580 days, awaiting trial on a misdemeanor charge. It’s all, he says, because he beat a multinational energy corporation in court. 
**[https://www.esquire.com/news-politics/a35812573/steven-donziger-chevron-house-arrest/ 'I've Been Targeted With Probably the Most Vicious Corporate Counterattack in American History'  Jack Holmes, ''Esquire'']   Mar 18, 2021

*The [[W:Chevron corporation|Chevron corporation]]’s legal onslaught against the environmental lawyer Steven Donziger continues. The oil giant and two federal judges in New York are apparently in a de facto alliance to persecute Donziger, who in 2013 helped win a landmark $9.5 billion legal victory against the company for polluting vast stretches of rain forest in Ecuador... Federal Judge [[w:Loretta Preska|Loretta Preska]], who has already kept Donziger under huse arrest in New York City for the past 10 months, on May 18 refused his request to relax his confinement before his trial for contempt, which will not start until September 9. Donziger’s attorney had asked Preska to allow him out of his Upper West Side apartment for three hours a day. Preska said no. She repeated her preposterous claim that Donziger could be a flight risk, saying, “I could be to the airport and on an airplane in three hours.”   Donziger lives with his wife and 13-year-old son. He has already surrendered his passport. 
**[https://www.thenation.com/article/environment/chevron-persecution-steven-donziger/ Chevron Tightens the Screws on Steven Donziger, By James North, ''The Nation''], May 28, 2020

* What’s disgraceful is that the maximum jail sentence that Donziger would face if he’s found guilty of contempt is six months—less than half the time he will have already spent locked up... It is this kind of questionable conduct from the federal bench that prompted Frisch to file an emergency motion on May 11 at the US Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit accusing Preska and Judge Lewis A. Kaplan, who has pursued Donziger since 2011, with “abuses of power and discretion.” Donziger’s supporters argue that Chevron’s own lawyers are collaborating in the effort to persecute him.
**[https://www.thenation.com/article/environment/chevron-persecution-steven-donziger/ Chevron Tightens the Screws on Steven Donziger, By James North, ''The Nation''], May 28, 2020 

*bI have never seen anything like this attempt to destroy Steven Donziger. [[w: Chevron Corporation|Chevron]] and its law firms have taken control of the awesome power of government to prosecute an environmental activist and deprive him of his liberty. They have done so with the active complicity of two federal judges. It’s something I’ve never before seen in my career.
**[[W:Martin Garbus|Martin Garbus]] quoted in [https://www.thenation.com/article/environment/chevron-persecution-steven-donziger/ Chevron Tightens the Screws on Steven Donziger, By James North, ''The Nation''], May 28, 2020

*Meanwhile, the global support for Donziger is growing. Some 29 Nobel laureates, including nine Peace Prize winners, signed a letter calling for] “a judicial remedy for the legal attacks orchestrated by Chevron against Donziger and for the defamation of his character.”
**[https://www.thenation.com/article/environment/chevron-persecution-steven-donziger/ Chevron Tightens the Screws on Steven Donziger, By James North, ''The Nation''], May 28, 2020

==See also==
*[[Activism]]
*[[Capitalism]]
*[[Confessions of an Economic Hit Man|''Confessions of an Economic Hitman'']]
*[[Corruption]]
*[[Crimes against humanity]]
*[[Ecocide]]
*[[Ecuador]]
* [[Fossil fuel divestment]]
*[[Greed]]
*[[Human rights]]
*[[Imperialism]]
*[[Injustice]]
*[[Latin America]]
*[[Noblesse oblige]]
*[[Racism]]
*[[Tyranny]]
*[[Universal Declaration of Human Rights]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Donziger, Steven}}
[[Category:Journalists from the United States]]
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[[Category:Climate change activists]]
[[Category:Activists from the United States]]
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      <text bytes="11611" xml:space="preserve"> {{vfd-new}}[[W:Steven R. Donziger|'''Steven R. Donziger''']] (born September 14, 1961) is an American attorney known for his legal battles with [[W:Chevron Corporation|Chevron]] particularly the [[W:Lago Agrio oil field|Lago Agrio oil field]] case in which he represented over 30,000 farmers and indigenous [[Ecuador|Ecuadorans]] in a case against Chevron related to environmental damage and health effects caused by oil drilling. In 2013  Ecuadoran courts awarded the plaintiffs $9.5 billion in damages, which led Chevron to withdraw its assets from Ecuador and launch legal action against Donziger in the US. In 2011, Chevron filed a RICO (anti-corruption) suit against Donziger in New York City. As a result of this case, Donziger was disbarred from practicing law in New York in 2018, put under house arrest in August 2019 while awaiting trial on charges of criminal contempt of court, in July 2021, a  US District Judge found him guilty; he was sentenced to 6 months in jail in October 2021.    
[[File:Steven Donziger Interview.png|thumb|Steven Donziger (July 2021)]]
{{Stub}}
==Quotes==
&lt;small&gt;(most recent first)&lt;/small&gt;
*'''I was not prosecuted by the U.S. government. I was prosecuted by a private law firm, [[w:Seward &amp; Kissel|Seward &amp; Kissel]], appointed by a federal judge after the U.S. government declined to prosecute me. And the judge never disclosed that the law firm had [[W:Chevron Corporation|Chevron]] as a client. So, essentially, I’m being prosecuted by a Chevron law firm, a partner in a Chevron law firm, a private law firm, who deprived me of my [[liberty]]...  this is the first corporate prosecution in U.S. history... What’s really happening here is Chevron and these two judges and, really, allies of the [[W:fossil fuel industry|fossil fuel industry]] are trying to use me as a weapon to intimidate [[Activism|activists]] and [[lawyers]] who do this work, who do the frontline work of defending the [[life|planet]]. What’s... at stake is the ability to advocate for [[human rights]] in our society. 
**[https://www.democracynow.org/2021/10/27/steven_donziger_judicial_harassment_from_chevron Lawyer Steven Donziger, Who Sued Chevron over “Amazon Chernobyl,” Ordered to Prison After House Arrest, ''Democracy Now!''], October 27, 2021
[[File:Texaco in Ecuador.jpg|thumb|'''I’m the only lawyer ever in U.S. history to be charged with criminal contempt of court for challenging a civil discovery order on appeal.''' [https://www.democracynow.org/2021/10/27/steven_donziger_judicial_harassment_from_chevron Lawyer Steven Donziger, Who Sued Chevron over “Amazon Chernobyl,” Ordered to Prison After House Arrest, ''Democracy Now!''], October 27, 2021]]

*So, what’s really happening here is, '''[[W:Chevron Corporation|Chevron]]and its allies have used the judiciary to try to attack the very idea of corporate [[accountability]] and environmental justice work that leads to significant judgments. And I think they’re not only trying to retaliate against me; they’re trying to send a broader message to the [[Activism|activist]] community, to the legal community, that these types of cases, that truly challenge the [[W:fossil fuel industry|fossil fuel industry]], that are intimately connected to the survival of our planet, should not be allowed to happen in court,''' at least not at this level.   
**[https://www.democracynow.org/2021/3/15/steven_donziger_house_arrest_chevron U.S. Lawyer Steven Donziger Speaks from House Arrest in NYC After Suing Chevron for Amazon Oil Spills, ''Democracy Now!'']  March 15, 2021

* As the case was coming to an end in Ecuador, Chevron's lawyers and executives made it clear they would never pay the judgment. They sold their assets in Ecuador, so the Ecuadorians would have nothing to collect. They threatened the Indigenous peoples with “a lifetime of litigation” if they didn't drop their case.
**Quoted in [https://www.esquire.com/news-politics/a35812573/steven-donziger-chevron-house-arrest/ 'I've Been Targeted With Probably the Most Vicious Corporate Counterattack in American History'  Jack Holmes, ''Esquire'']   March 18, 2021

* This goes way beyond me. It goes to really what kind of society we want in America. How does one man get so targeted by an oil company such that he's being prosecuted by one of their law firms? What does that mean for other advocates? What does that mean for environmental justice advocates and corporate accountability advocates and lawyers? What does that mean for our planet? Because if you can't do this kind of legal work to hold these polluters accountable, the destruction of the earth will happen at a faster pace.''' 
**Quoted in [https://www.esquire.com/news-politics/a35812573/steven-donziger-chevron-house-arrest/ 'I've Been Targeted With Probably the Most Vicious Corporate Counterattack in American History'  Jack Holmes, ''Esquire'']   Mar 18, 2021

*It has become clear to me in recent months that my unprecedented house arrest is the result of apparent misconduct and conflicts of interest by a number of people in the judiciary. It feels like [[w:Chevron Corporation|Chevron]] has taken over the role of government to deprive its main litigation adversary of his freedom. That’s a terrifying prospect for me and my family, but also for everybody who cares about the nature of freedom and advocacy in our society. I don’t think it has ever happened before. I hope it never happens again.
**Quoted in [https://www.thenation.com/article/environment/chevron-persecution-steven-donziger/ Chevron Tightens the Screws on Steven Donziger, By James North, ''The Nation''], May 28, 2020

==Quotes about==
&lt;small&gt;(most recent first)&lt;/small&gt;
*We are relieved that Steven Donziger will finally recover his freedom after almost 1,000 days of arbitrary detention, which included 45 days in prison and over 900 days under house arrest. He should have never been detained for even one day, as it has been clear the whole process against him has been in retaliation for his human rights work that exposed corporate wrongdoings
** [https://www.amnesty.org/en/latest/news/2022/04/usa-steven-donzigers-release/  USA: After almost 1,000 days of arbitrary detention, Steven Donziger’s release highlights urgent need for action against SLAPPs] (April 25, 2022)

*Ahead of Steven Donziger's sentencing scheduled for Friday, five United Nations human rights experts ruled that the American attorney who won a multibillion-dollar judgment against [[W:Chevron Corporation|Chevron]] in Ecuadorian courts has been &quot;arbitrarily&quot; detained in the U.S. for 787 days... The Working Group on Arbitrary Detention, made up of independent experts appointed by the U.N. Human Rights Council, said that it was &quot;appalled by uncontested allegations in this case,&quot; noting that the U.S. government did not respond to its request for input... the working group called on the U.S. government to &quot;take the steps necessary to remedy the situation of Mr. Steven Donziger without delay and bring it in conformity with the relevant international norms, including those set out in the [[Universal Declaration of Human Rights]] and the [[w:International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights|International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights]].
**[https://www.commondreams.org/news/2021/09/30/appalled-un-human-rights-experts-urge-immediate-release-compensation-steven-donziger Appalled' UN Human Rights Experts Urge Immediate Release, Compensation for Steven Donziger, Jessica Corbett,  ''Common Dreams'']  September 30, 2021

*Steven Donziger has been under house arrest for over 580 days, awaiting trial on a misdemeanor charge. It’s all, he says, because he beat a multinational energy corporation in court. 
**[https://www.esquire.com/news-politics/a35812573/steven-donziger-chevron-house-arrest/ 'I've Been Targeted With Probably the Most Vicious Corporate Counterattack in American History'  Jack Holmes, ''Esquire'']   Mar 18, 2021

*The [[W:Chevron corporation|Chevron corporation]]’s legal onslaught against the environmental lawyer Steven Donziger continues. The oil giant and two federal judges in New York are apparently in a de facto alliance to persecute Donziger, who in 2013 helped win a landmark $9.5 billion legal victory against the company for polluting vast stretches of rain forest in Ecuador... Federal Judge [[w:Loretta Preska|Loretta Preska]], who has already kept Donziger under huse arrest in New York City for the past 10 months, on May 18 refused his request to relax his confinement before his trial for contempt, which will not start until September 9. Donziger’s attorney had asked Preska to allow him out of his Upper West Side apartment for three hours a day. Preska said no. She repeated her preposterous claim that Donziger could be a flight risk, saying, “I could be to the airport and on an airplane in three hours.”   Donziger lives with his wife and 13-year-old son. He has already surrendered his passport. 
**[https://www.thenation.com/article/environment/chevron-persecution-steven-donziger/ Chevron Tightens the Screws on Steven Donziger, By James North, ''The Nation''], May 28, 2020

* What’s disgraceful is that the maximum jail sentence that Donziger would face if he’s found guilty of contempt is six months—less than half the time he will have already spent locked up... It is this kind of questionable conduct from the federal bench that prompted Frisch to file an emergency motion on May 11 at the US Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit accusing Preska and Judge Lewis A. Kaplan, who has pursued Donziger since 2011, with “abuses of power and discretion.” Donziger’s supporters argue that Chevron’s own lawyers are collaborating in the effort to persecute him.
**[https://www.thenation.com/article/environment/chevron-persecution-steven-donziger/ Chevron Tightens the Screws on Steven Donziger, By James North, ''The Nation''], May 28, 2020 

*bI have never seen anything like this attempt to destroy Steven Donziger. [[w: Chevron Corporation|Chevron]] and its law firms have taken control of the awesome power of government to prosecute an environmental activist and deprive him of his liberty. They have done so with the active complicity of two federal judges. It’s something I’ve never before seen in my career.
**[[W:Martin Garbus|Martin Garbus]] quoted in [https://www.thenation.com/article/environment/chevron-persecution-steven-donziger/ Chevron Tightens the Screws on Steven Donziger, By James North, ''The Nation''], May 28, 2020

*Meanwhile, the global support for Donziger is growing. Some 29 Nobel laureates, including nine Peace Prize winners, signed a letter calling for] “a judicial remedy for the legal attacks orchestrated by Chevron against Donziger and for the defamation of his character.”
**[https://www.thenation.com/article/environment/chevron-persecution-steven-donziger/ Chevron Tightens the Screws on Steven Donziger, By James North, ''The Nation''], May 28, 2020

==See also==
*[[Confessions of an Economic Hit Man|''Confessions of an Economic Hitman'']]
*[[Corruption]]
*[[Crimes against humanity]]
*[[Ecocide]]
*[[Fossil fuel divestment]]
*[[Human rights]]
*[[Latin America]]
*[[Noblesse oblige]]
*[[Racism]]
*[[Universal Declaration of Human Rights]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Donziger, Steven}}
[[Category:Journalists from the United States]]
[[Category:Lawyers from the United States]]
[[Category:Climate change activists]]
[[Category:Activists from the United States]]
[[Category:1961 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
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  <page>
    <title>Phill Kline</title>
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      <text bytes="1451" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Phill-Kline.jpg|thumb|Phill Kline]]
'''[[w:Phill Kline|Phillip D. Kline]]''' (December 31, 1959–) is a former attorney who served as a Kansas state legislator, district attorney of Johnson County, and Kansas Attorney General.

== Quotes ==  

*Few desire to know the truth of what is happening in our state’s abortion clinics. All of the outrage, all of the noise is directed at one thing: silencing the uncomfortable truth. It’s either willful ignorance or a decision to partner with the abortion industry.  When I started in public office, I was intellectually pro-life, but now I have come to see that the life issue is truly the issue of our time. The depth of evil that exists to protect this lie prevents the states from protecting children. How we determine the answer to this issue is what will determine where our nation will end up. Unless the truth prevails, abortion will destroy us as a nation.
**[http://lifelegalgiving.com/ask-the-attorney-an-interview-with-former-kansas-attorney-general-and-johnson-county-district-attorney-phill-kline/ Ask the Attorney: An Interview with Former Kansas Attorney General and Johnson County District Attorney Phill Kline] (1 August 2009)

== External links== 
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Kline, Phill}}
[[Category:1959 births]]
[[Category:People from Kansas]]
[[Category:Republican Party (United States) politicians]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Lawyers from the United States]]</text>
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      <text bytes="1519" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Phill-Kline.jpg|thumb|Phill Kline]]
'''[[w:Phill Kline|Phillip D. Kline]]''' (December 31, 1959–) is a former American attorney who served as a Kansas state legislator, district attorney of [[w:Johnson County, Kansas|Johnson County]], and [[w:Kansas Attorney General|Kansas Attorney General]].

== Quotes ==  

*Few desire to know the truth of what is happening in our state’s abortion clinics. All of the outrage, all of the noise is directed at one thing: silencing the uncomfortable truth. It’s either willful ignorance or a decision to partner with the abortion industry.  When I started in public office, I was intellectually pro-life, but now I have come to see that the life issue is truly the issue of our time. The depth of evil that exists to protect this lie prevents the states from protecting children. How we determine the answer to this issue is what will determine where our nation will end up. Unless the truth prevails, abortion will destroy us as a nation.
**[http://lifelegalgiving.com/ask-the-attorney-an-interview-with-former-kansas-attorney-general-and-johnson-county-district-attorney-phill-kline/ Ask the Attorney: An Interview with Former Kansas Attorney General and Johnson County District Attorney Phill Kline] (1 August 2009)

== External links== 
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Kline, Phill}}
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[[Category:People from Kansas]]
[[Category:Republican Party (United States) politicians]]
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      <text bytes="1666" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Phill-Kline.jpg|thumb|Phill Kline]]
'''[[w:Phill Kline|Phillip D. Kline]]''' (December 31, 1959–) is a former American attorney who served as a Kansas state legislator, district attorney of [[w:Johnson County, Kansas|Johnson County]], and [[w:Kansas Attorney General|Kansas Attorney General]]. Kline is currently an assistant professor at [[w:Liberty University|Liberty University]], an evangelical Christian college in Lynchburg, Virginia.

== Quotes ==  

*Few desire to know the truth of what is happening in our state’s abortion clinics. All of the outrage, all of the noise is directed at one thing: silencing the uncomfortable truth. It’s either willful ignorance or a decision to partner with the abortion industry.  When I started in public office, I was intellectually pro-life, but now I have come to see that the life issue is truly the issue of our time. The depth of evil that exists to protect this lie prevents the states from protecting children. How we determine the answer to this issue is what will determine where our nation will end up. Unless the truth prevails, abortion will destroy us as a nation.
**[http://lifelegalgiving.com/ask-the-attorney-an-interview-with-former-kansas-attorney-general-and-johnson-county-district-attorney-phill-kline/ Ask the Attorney: An Interview with Former Kansas Attorney General and Johnson County District Attorney Phill Kline] (1 August 2009)

== External links== 
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Kline, Phill}}
[[Category:1959 births]]
[[Category:People from Kansas]]
[[Category:Republican Party (United States) politicians]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Lawyers from the United States]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>The Last Ship</title>
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'''''[[w:The_Last_Ship_(TV_series)|The Last Ship]]''''' (2014-2018) is an American action drama television series formerly airing on TNT, based on a book of the same name by William Brinkley. The plot revolves around the crew of the US Navy destroyer ''USS Nathan James'' as they struggle to survive in a pandemic-hit world.
 
== Season 1 ==
=== ''Phase Six'' [1.1] ===
:''[Commander Chandler is livid that Dr Scott has not been honest about her work in the Arctic despite having fought off an attack by Russian forces]''
:'''CDR Thomas Chandler''': ''[grabs Scott's biosamples case]'' I swear to God, I will throw this overboard! I want answers!
:'''Dr Rachel Scott''': You want answers? Seven months ago, outside Cairo, there was an outbreak-- a virus of unknown origin. Its genetic structure was like nothing any of us had ever seen. It swept throughout the village, killing everyone that it infected. Egyptian officials claimed the outbreak was contained, but it wasn't. Instead, it continued to mutate and spread. The CDC and the WHO wanted to sample the virus from the victims to create a vaccine. But nothing worked. It was my belief that we needed to find the primordial strain here in the Arctic.
:'''Chandler''': The birds.
:'''Scott''': They're just the carriers. They pick up the virus from the melting permafrost. We finally found their feeding ground.
:'''Chandler''': So you have what you need to stop this thing?
:'''Scott''': I won't know until we get it back to the lab. We're running out of time. The virus back home is moving quicker than any of us could've imagined.
:'''Chandler''': How would you know that? We've been radio silent since we left Norfolk.
:'''Scott''':  Because I have my own sat phone.
:'''Chandler''': We were at EMCON so no one would know our position!
:'''Scott''': We were at EMCON to protect my mission... Not yours. Orders came from the White House.
:'''Chandler''': Well, you led the Russians right to us and endangered my entire crew.
:'''Scott''': It was imperative that I stay in contact with the labs back home to keep them informed of my progress. I don't think you understand what we're talking about here.
:'''Chandler''': Enlighten me.
:'''Scott''': When we left Norfolk, the virus was at Phase Two, limited to small clusters in Asia and Africa. We are now at Phase Six-- global pandemic. 80% of the world's population is infected. The world is sick, Captain Chandler... Very sick.
:'''Chandler''': Are you telling me the whole world is dying, and they send two people to save it?
:'''Scott''': It took weeks to convince the government to even send me here. Most of my colleagues think that I'm insane.
:'''Chandler''': Are you?
:'''Scott''': I told you... that what's in that case... might be the only hope that we have.

=== ''Welcome to Gitmo'' [1.2]===
:''[having secured Guantanamo Bay of the former Al-Qaeda prisoners]''
:'''CDR Thomas Chandler''': I don't know how you feel about the water... but we sure could use your services.
:'''Tex Nolan''': Where you headed?
:'''Chandler''': We got some things to do, but when we're done, we're going home.
:'''Nolan''': Yeah, I'll sign up for that.

===''Dead Reckoning'' [1.3]=== 
:''[Commander Chandler talks to Doctor Scott about Admiral Ruskov's demands]''
:'''CDR Thomas Chandler''': Who else has been working on a vaccine?
:'''Dr Rachel Scott''':  What, in the world? Everyone.
:'''Chandler''':  What about the Russians? Were they close?
:'''Scott''': I mean, nobody was making any real progress. And I hate to say it, but they're probably all dead anyway. Why?
:'''Chandler''': If somebody had the primordial strain of the virus, the stuff you found in the ice, could they make a vaccine?
:'''Scott''': I suppose, if they had the right equipment and someone qualified to run it. But they'd be months behind us.

===''We'll Get There'' [1.4]=== 
:''[Flashback to Commander Chandler's preparations to leave for the Arctic deployment]''
:'''CDR Thomas Chandler''': Darien, I'm not going to the Med. Navy's sending us to the Arctic.
:'''Darien Chandler''': The Arctic? That's crazy.
:'''Tom''': Some cold-weather test on a new weapon system. It's all classified. It's happening very fast. We're gonna be at complete radio silence. No e-mails, no calls.
:'''Darien''': For how long?
:'''Tom''': Six months, maybe five.
:'''Darien''': Figures.
:'''Tom''': It's my last tour for a while. Then I'll be around the house so much, you'll be sick of me, I promise.

===''El Toro'' [1.5]=== 
:''[The team has been caught by el Toro's men]''
:'''CDR Thomas Chandler''': I'm guessing you must be El Toro.
:'''El Toro''': I am, indeed. And who do I have the pleasure of talking to?
:'''Chandler''': Tom Chandler, U.S. Navy. Your men took our weapons, CBR suits, and equipment. We're gonna need 'em back.
:'''El Toro''': You won't need your suits. There is no virus here. As for your weapons, I cannot have your men walking around with machine guns. That would frighten my people.
:'''Chandler''': Well, I'm afraid that's not acceptable. With respect, I don't have time to debate it. The remainder of my crew, some 200-odd U.S. Navy sailors, await our return aboard our destroyer, U.S.S. Nathan James, currently in the bay at the mouth of the river. We don't return by 2300 hours, they'll come looking. And rest assured, they will find us.

===''Lockdown'' [1.6]=== 
:''[Chandler talks to the crew over the PA after Dr Scott shows him some prototypes of a Red Flu vaccine]''
:'''CDR Thomas Chandler''': Good evening, Nathan James. This is the captain. I wanted to inform you all of our progress in the mission. As you know, a small team entered Nicaragua to find primates for Dr. Scott's test, which she hopes will be a vaccine against the virus. While there, we encountered a drug lord who enslaved 150 people. We eliminated his men and we eliminated him, freeing those healthy people there to establish a life for themselves. We also encountered several dozen infected people, including children. Yesterday, we couldn't help them. But perhaps tomorrow, we will be able to, because we came back to the Nathan James with 34 monkeys. Dr. Scott will now conduct her trials on those monkeys. But we... We are not waiting. We're setting a course for home. By the time we get there, we believe Dr. Scott will have a vaccine, and our mission will be completed. Today's a good day. Carry on. 

===''SOS'' [1.7]=== 
:''[Flashback to Oslo, Norway, six months before the outbreak]''
:'''Niels Sorensen''': I don't understand why you won't listen to me. It's a splice overlap PCR reaction with an immune-modulatory gene. It will help the body identify the virus and create antibodies.
:'''Professor Lindblom''': Yes, yes. You are young and have a bright career ahead. And don't waste your time with schoolboy science fiction.
:'''Sorensen''': The virus is spreading. There are cases being reported beyond the Middle East. It will be in Oslo by winter. It is deadly and will likely mutate. We...
:'''Lindblom''': Niels. I am well aware of what's at stake. But what you are proposing is too dangerous. The Australians tried it on mouse pox. It was a complete disaster.
:'''Sorensen''': I've already done the experiment.
:'''Lindblom''': What?
:'''Sorensen''': On myself.
:'''Lindblom''': While you were gone. And it worked.
:'''Sorensen''': You are mad.
:'''Lindblom''': I'm still here.
:'''Sorensen''': Absolutely mad.
:'''Lindblom''': I'm perfectly healthy. Professor Lindblom, please.
:'''Sorensen''': You stay away from my lab. You hear me? I am finished with you! ''[storms off]''
:'''Lindblom''': Professor..

===''Two Sailors Walk Into a Bar...'' [1.8]===
:''[The Russians have captured Commander Chandler and brought him to Admiral Ruskov aboard the Vyerni]''
:'''ADM Konstantin Ruskov''': I'd like to treat you with the respect your rank affords, but you are going to have to meet me halfway. Now, tell me of Dr. Scott's progress with the vaccine. She's close, right?
:'''CDR Thomas Chandler''': My name is Thomas Chandler, Commander, United States Navy, serial number 4242022634.
:'''Ruskov''': There is no need for that. The Geneva Convention doesn't exist anymore. Hell, ''Geneva'' doesn't exist anymore! ''[laughs]'' Ah... Still won't talk? See, I told you. He would rather go it alone and die than share in the glory of saving the world. Why else would you, the ship's captain, personally lead the mission to save some poor island girl? Like with all tragic heroes, your hubris brought about your downfall. What do you have to say to that, Commander Chandler?
:'''Chandler''': My name is Thomas Chandler, Commander, United States Navy, serial number 4242022634.
 
===''Trials'' [1.9]===
:''[CMC Jeter remembers PO Cossetti]''
:'''Command Master Chief Russ Jeter''': The ceremony will be at 0900. We'll have seven guns and the ensigns at half-mast. It'll be a hero's farewell. 
:'''CDR Thomas Chandler''': He wanted to redeem himself. 
:'''Jeter''': He never had to. 
:'''Chandler''': He gave his life for mine.
:'''Jeter''': He gave his life for the mission. And now we're free...
:'''Chandler''': To finish it.

===''No Place Like Home'' [1.10]=== 
:''[After seeing that USAMRIID's biological facility has been destroyed, the crew suddenly receives a call from the still-functioning local government]''
:'''CDR Thomas Chandler''': This is Tom Chandler, commanding officer of the USS Nathan James, over.
:'''Amy Granderson''': Captain Chandler. You have no idea how good it is to hear your voice. We thought you were lost at sea.
:'''Chandler''': No, ma'am, we're alive and well.
:'''Granderson''': Oh! There you are. I got it. You must be nearby. I'm Amy Granderson. And I suppose an explanation is in order. As vice-chair of the President's defense policy board, I was briefed on your mission to the Arctic. I knew the risks of the coming pandemic, and I had my daughter transferred to your ship. You must forgive me.
:'''Chandler''': No apology needed, ma'am. Your daughter's been an incredible asset. Pleased to hear from you. We had no word from the presidential bunker.
:'''Granderson''': President Geller invited me underground. I declined. I-I felt the risk was too big to have so much of our civilian and military command in one confined space. Unfortunately, I was right.
:'''Chandler''': So the government is gone.
:'''Granderson''': For the most part, yes. Since the bunker went silent, there has been a breakdown of infrastructure, general panic, and, of course, a tremendous loss of life. I have tried to execute a contingency plan working with the state and local police to create safe zones. We have been hanging on as best we can. And I have been praying every day for your return.

==Season 2==
===''Unreal City'' [2.1]===
:''[Dr Scott is trying to talk to Amy Granderson]''
:'''Amy Granderson''': We have successfully taken control of the Nathan James. My people are collecting all your work as we speak. Now, with your research and your samples, Dr. Hamada and his team will eventually learn to make the cure themselves. Wouldn't it be better for everyone if you just agreed to work together?
:'''Dr Rachel Scott''': Work together? What, on your Darwinian experiment? Save those that you deem worthy and, what, just forget the rest?
:'''Granderson''': Perhaps I was overzealous in... &quot;barbarians at the gate,&quot; I believe, is what you called them. Doctor, I watched a grown man b*at a 12-year-old boy to death over a gas mask. I saw a woman stab her sister in the back for a can of beans. The apocalypse is here. It's been here for a long time. But I am willing to adjust my philosophy to suit your sensibilities if you just help me get the lab up and running.
:'''Scott''': What about the captain? And my friends?
:'''Granderson''': The best thing you can do for your friends is to let them know you've decided to cooperate with me. That will end this foolish bloodshed.
:'''Scott''':You say you'll help everyone?
:'''Granderson''':I will.
:'''Scott''': Well, then, prove it.
:'''Granderson''': And how do you suggest I do that?
:'''Scott''': You're wasting doses here on healthy people. Let me out into the street with what I have left... save people who are already sick. What, you think I'm gonna try to escape?
:'''Granderson''': I think it's silly. And given the state of the world, I think it's small.

===''Fight the Ship'' [2.2]===
:''[Mike Slattery addresses the people of Baltimore]''
:'''CDR Mike Slattery''': Attention people of Baltimore. USS Nathan James is back under the control of her crew. This ship is now engaged in the fight to free Baltimore and spread the cure for the Red Flu to all of its citizens. This message goes out to Amy Granderson and all those loyal to her. Nathan James has been liberated and has joined the fight against you. We demand your immediate surrender. Lay down your arms... or be subject to the full force of the United States Navy.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Nathan James crew and Thorwald's men have gained the upper hand at Avocet and Granderson is cornered trying to escape]''
:'''CDR Thomas Chandler''': There are 200 more where I came from. You heard my X.O. We've taken back our ship, this building is ours, and we're telling the people of Baltimore that your kill zone at Olympia is out of business. You have two choices... a trial... or a funeral.
:'''Amy Granderson''': ''[to bodyguard]'' I gave you a direct order. Shoot! ''[bodyguard wavers and stands down]''
:'''Bodyguard''': I am not going anywhere with you.
:'''Chandler''': I found your daughter lying in a pool of her own blood, shot by your guards, under your order! My children were lined up to be murdered and sent to the ovens, along with thousands of desperate people... all so you can keep the lights on for your select few.
:'''Granderson''': You don't know! The virus was spreading! So you get to decide who lives and who dies?! There was panic, Captain, and I remained calm. Everybody was fleeing underground, but I stood firm! There was no plan and I built this. I'm the reason these people have survived this long.
:'''Chandler''': Except when you had the cure in hand, you wouldn't stop! You continued killing. It's over. Your grand social experiment is history. I'm offering you the chance. Surrender with honor.
:'''Granderson''': And who will judge me? You?
:'''Chandler''': Not me. A jury of your peers. Pick up the radio. Stand down your troopers. Shut down Olympia. Turn away your helo and come peacefully. It's the only way for you now.
:'''Granderson''': ''[on radio]'' Th-this is Amy... This is Amy Granderson. Stand down. Cease and desist all operations at Olympia. Repeat... stand down. We are surrendering. ''[Radio clatters]'' I am not a monster. I am not. ''[brings out vial and swallows]'' Dr. Hamada assured me that the cocktail provided a quick and painless death. I insisted on it.

===''It's not a Rumor'' [2.3]===
:''[The Nathan James study all material recovered from the White House and play a video file labelled SECNAV]''
:'''[[w:Ray Mabus|Ray Mabus]]''': ''[on video]'' Is this on? Can I start now?
:'''Man''': Yes, sir.
:'''Mabus''': The U.S. Navy is currently on a mission...
:'''CMC Russ Jeter''': It's the secretary of the Navy. 
:'''Mabus''': ...to find the materials for a vaccine to combat the current deadly pandemic. Now, if y... you're viewing this video, you are a part of the new network of facilities in the United States and certain foreign nations which were chosen to produce and distribute the vaccine in the event their mission is successful. In order to protect the security of the labs in the new network, your locations have been kept secret. However, you'll be able to communicate with the civilian command, with each other via secure satellite connection. The codes for that connection have been embedded within the drive that contains this video. These codes have to be guarded at all cost. If... if and when a vaccine arrives...
:'''CDR Thomas Chandler''': No one's decoded this yet?
:'''Lt Kara Foster''': No, sir. We didn't know those encryptions existed until just now.
:'''Chandler''': Find me those labs. Do it quickly.
:'''Foster''': Yes, sir. 
:'''Mabus''': Godspeed.

===''Solace'' [2.4]===
:''[a SEAL operator talks to the Nathan James crew about the situation in Norfolk]''
:'''Damon''': Me and my team were stationed up in Little Creek. When shit went down, we went inland. We only made it back here a few weeks ago. We got 34 military personnel in town as far as we can tell... some Army, some Marines, but mostly Navy.
:'''CDR Mike Slattery''': Our intel says there's a biosafety Level IV lab on base here.
:'''Damon''': There was, but the equipment got moved someplace and no one here can tell us where. We've been trying to divide the city into sectors, impose a level of control. We got people holed up in different safe houses... school gym, supermarkets, some of them even running on diesel generators. I don't know if we found them all yet, but we're still in the process of clearing the city. 
:'''Slattery''': My people are about to head out there soon, try to find their families. Any information I can give them ahead of time will be much appreciated.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[in a cabin in Florida, a man addresses a group of people who applaud at every line he says]''
:'''Man''': And let me tell you something else... we are more than just survivors! We are more than our grief, we are more than our loss, and we are more than our pain! Yeah. We were spared for a reason. We were spared because we were put on this earth to do something more! We were spared because we're special... because we are the rightful inheritors of the earth. This is our destiny... because we are the chosen! We are the chosen! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jed Chandler notices his son Thomas throwing out the garbage]''
:'''Jed Chandler''': Gonna be puttering around all day?
:'''CDR Thomas Chandler''': Just getting the place in order.
:'''Jed''': ''[sighs]'' Well, I thought you might just be procrastinating... 'cause you don't know how to go back to the ship and tell that crew of yours that you're quitting. Do you not realize that they... that they can't do it without you? What kind of message are you gonna send to them, that you're, uh, George Washington and you've come back to work on your farm? You think because you got a... a lab in Baltimore and six planes with the cure that everything's in hand? The world is in chaos. There's a lot more to do.
:'''Tom''': And that crew is trained to do it, with or without me.
:'''Jed''': They need you.
:'''Tom''': And they don't? ''[referring to Ashley and Sam]'' And what if I don't come back? I'm gonna make my kids orphans?
:'''Jed''': You think you're the first soldier that had trouble leaving their family behind? Huh? During World War II, English naval captains put their wives and children in bunkers in London and went back out to sea... to fight the Nazis for years.
:'''Tom''': Wives and children, Dad. ''The wives were there.''
:'''Jed''': ''[remembers what happened to Darien]'' I know you, and I know you're beating yourself up, but if you're looking for someone to blame, blame me. I should have never let her go to that town. So cut the shit and quit laying this guilt trip on yourself. There's no time for it. Whether you like it or not, you're Noah and that ship is your Ark.

===''Achilles'' [2.5]===
:''[Dr Rachel Scott makes another audio tape entry]''
:'''Dr Rachel Scott''': Hope. Such a rarified concept these days. High in demand... ''[sighs]'' And short in supply. I'm enjoying recording these logs again. Until recently, I had given up on them. With no connection to the outside world, they were serving as little more than just a diary. But now with the satellite network up and running, they have become my trusty carrier pigeons. I am happy to report that the cure has landed safely in labs across the country and in Europe, and I am on my way to you, Dr. Hunter, my friend, my mentor. We'll be stopping first in Savannah to set up a lab there, before heading down to you in Florida with the cure. As promised, I am uploading my data to the secured satellite, and I would love for you to take a look at the work we've done, and get your thoughts on faster methods for replication. Because time, as you well know, is of the essence, and millions still continue to live at risk. So take of yourself, old friend, and I'll be seeing you shortly.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Carlton Burk is visibly taken aback by IDF Lt Ravit Bivas after she and Wolf are introduced to the Vulture team]''
:'''Lt Carlton Burk''': Lieutenant Burk, Carlton.
:'''Lt Ravit Bivas''': Yeah, sounds great.
:'''Burk''': You know, when I was deployed in the Gulf, I spent some time outside Tel Aviv, a town called Gi-Va-Tayim.
:'''Bivas''': ''[Israeli accent]'' Givatayim.
:'''Burk''': Right. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Achilles has destroyed all the labs producing the vaccine, and the Nathan James crew is wondering why]''
:'''Dr Rachel Scott''': I just tested Juan Carlos's blood. It turns out that he's naturally immune.
:'''CDR Thomas Chandler''': None of the mercs on Solace were CBR. Is it possible they're all immune? Everyone's like him?
:'''Scott''': I cross-referenced his blood against Bertrise's. Natural immunity, as it turns out, is a tad more common than I initially thought. Anywhere between 1% and 5% of the global population. That's how they took Europe.
:'''Chandler''': Now their mission is to destroy the cure wherever it exists, on a nuclear-powered sub that never runs out of fuel.
:'''Scott''': Yes, but we had the flash drive. How the hell did they know where those labs were? 

===''A Long Day's Journey'' [2.6]===
:''[Alisha Granderson talks to Dr Scott in the wardroom]''
:'''Lt Alisha Granderson''': It must have transmitted to the satellite right before the attack. 
:'''Dr Rachel Scott''': Have you watched it?
:'''Granderson''': Only long enough to know that it was for you, ma'am. But even from what I saw... It wasn't easy to watch. ''[opens video]''
:'''Dr Julius Hunter''': Rachel, oh, God, I pray this gets to you. Listen, we're... We're under attack, Rachel, but it's important... It's important that you learn this. I've been working with the data you sent me about the cure. And I think I found a way to help. Using what I learned about the measles project... Now, I know you think that's crazy, but it works. I'm sending you the data now. It's here. Look, I don't... Oh, God. Listen, Rachel. It's all worked out. All you have to do is... I just somehow pray that this file gets to you, that you get it off the server, Rachel. ''[gets interrupted]''
:'''MacDowell''': Okay. 
:'''Hunter''': Got to know that... Rachel.
:'''MacDowell''': Come on, now. Take it all. We need to find that server. Okay, doc. No. Stand up.
:'''Hunter''': Please. Please. ''[killed by gunshot]''
:'''CDR Mike Slattery''': Well, that's how they were able to get the locations of all the labs. Stole them from Dr. Hunter.
:'''Scott''': He was working on an experiment to turn my liquid injectable version of the cure into a powder so it could be released over populated areas via helicopters, planes, drones, even. I could manufacture a highly concentrated powder right here on the ship. We wouldn't even need labs anymore. So people could breathe in the cure. It would be very much like crop-dusting. Mass inoculations without glassware, needles, all the infrastructure that we no longer have. 
:'''CDR Thomas Chandler''': Do you think Hunter was actually able to do it?
:'''Scott''': I know that he had some good results aerosolizing the measles vaccine, but I won't know until we get down to his lab in Florida.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dr Rachel Scott has an idea and presents it to Chandler]''
:'''CDR Thomas Chandler''': What's that?
:'''Dr Rachel Scott''': ''[Blows]'' Cornstarch from the chief's mess. It turns out the secret ingredient that I've been looking for was being used to make pancakes.
:'''Chandler''': So you found it?
:'''Scott''':Well, I have the recipe, and now all I need is to build a machine to manufacture the micro powder, so I was hoping that you might be able to lend me one or two of your capable machinists?
:'''Chandler''': I think that can be arranged. 

===''Alone and Unafraid'' [2.7]===
:''[de facto President Jeffrey Michener tries to think of his speech, with Tom Chandler protecting him]''
:'''Jeffrey Michener''': It is our responsibility as immunes to restore this great nation. And just as God chose Noah to survive the flood of the old testament, he has chosen us to survive this plague that washed away the sins of our world.&quot; 
:'''CDR Thomas Chandler''': Yes.
:'''Michener''': Do I sound convincing? Do you believe it?
:'''Chandler''': Why, yes. Of course, but I don't have Sean's charisma.
:'''Michener''': I watched his videos. I've seen the translations into Spanish, Bulgarian. You don't understand the language, but you believe what he's saying.
:'''Chandler''': Bulgaria?
:'''Michener''': He has followers everywhere. I used to do ''[[w:Meet the Press|Meet the Press]]'' every once in a while, but getting in front of crowds like this...

===''Safe Zone'' [2.8]===
:''[Jeffrey Michener has been set up in the Nathan James wardroom and wants some answers]''
:'''CDR Mike Slattery''': Commander Mike Slattery. I'm the Executive Officer of this ship.
:'''Jeffrey Michener''': I want to speak to the Captain.
:'''Slattery''': Well, he's presently indisposed... Wanted us to get acquainted till he gets here.
:'''Michener''': You are aware that kidnapping the President of the United States is a federal offense, punishable by death?
:'''Slattery''': The Captain was under the impression he was rescuing you.
:'''Michener''': At gunpoint, against my will?
:'''Slattery''': Sir, I don't think you realize who the Ramseys are or what their goal is...
:'''Michener''': You don't need to tell me anything.
:'''Slattery''': No, sir, I don't. Unless you want to be fully informed. I'd like to show you something, if I may. This is from August. She was second in succession... President then. These were her orders to us. ''[plays video file of President Geller]''
:'''President Kelly Geller''': Morning, Commander. I know... the last you heard, I was Speaker of the House. The President died two months ago, the Vice-President a week later. What's left of the Federal Government is holed up 200 feet below the White House. Most of our population, along with our armed forces, is dying or dead. We have no allies, we have no enemies... Just a world of sick, desperate people. If Dr. Scott has the makings of a cure, you must come home... now. 
:'''Slattery''': We came home. Found things not quite as hospitable as we'd hoped. No infrastructure... No government, no orders. So we went to the White House, and we were able to get our hands on many of the Presidential files and directives. This is the secretary of the Navy. I understand you... You knew him pretty well. ''[plays clip of SECNAV Ray Mabus]''
:'''Ray Mabus''': The U.S. Navy is currently on a mission to find the materials for a vaccine to combat the pandemic. If you're viewing this video, you are part of the new network of facilities in the United States and certain foreign countries, which were chosen to produce and distribute the vaccine. You'll be able to communicate with the civilian command with each other. Hopefully, you'll then start producing and distributing the vaccine, and we can get to the task of rebuilding our great nation. Godspeed.
:'''Slattery''': We have the cure, sir. Dr. Scott was able to produce it right here on this ship. Guess you wouldn't have any need for it yourself. The rest of the world, the ones who aren't lucky enough to be naturally immune... We got to Norfolk, we found pilots, we sent doses around the country and to Europe, as we were ordered to do. The project to mass-produce the cure was well under way, and then we ran into some problems. This is a recording made by one of our scientists. He was trying to get a message through to Dr. Scott. ''[replays Dr Hunter's entire desperate message to Rachel]'' You might recognize that Irish accent. Those were Sean Ramsey's people. They gained access to our secret network, the location of all our labs, and they blew them up with their long-range missiles. Destroyed our limited infrastructure, murdered our scientists... All because they believe that they are the inheritors of the earth. That's why Captain Chandler rescued you from the Ramseys. I can only assume you knew nothing about this. I mean, if you did... This is a comprehensive look at Dr. Scott's protocols, experiments, and trials. Complete Captain's logs, combat center records, including our attempt at a response to the Ramseys' assault on our labs. It's not easy to listen to, but I think it'll be informative. I'll let the Captain know that you've been briefed. ''[leaves]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Tom Chandler talks to President Michener about what happened to him in the early stages of the pandemic]''
:'''CDR Thomas Chandler''': You blame yourself. You think you could've done something differently. Somehow, all those people would be alive... Your wife, your daughters? What could you have done differently, Jeff?
:'''President Jeffrey Michener''': Nothing. Nothing.
:'''Chandler''': We're going to New Orleans. And you're going to help us defeat whoever it is that twisted you all around, but we are never gonna get there until you face whatever it is you can't let go of.
:'''Michener''': There's nothing... Nothing to let go of! 
:'''Chandler''': It was your son, wasn't it?
:'''Michener''': He was in Michigan. Summer session at the [[University of Michigan|university]].
:'''Chandler''': You had him brought down to Florida.
:'''Michener''': No.
:'''Chandler''': Against CDC protocols!!
:'''Michener''': No.
:'''Chandler''': There was no way to test him, but he seemed okay, and you let him in the stadium.
:'''Michener''': That's not... that's not what happened! 
:'''Chandler''': I have the records from the White House.
:'''Michener''': No, you're wrong!
:'''Chandler''': Two days after you brought him to Florida, there was a massive outbreak in Ann Arbor. 
:'''Michener''': No, please! Please! That's not what happened!
:'''Chandler''': The security details... they were lax! You couldn't have known. He infected everyone in that stadium... it was hot! They were careless with their masks! Your wife, your daughters.
:'''Michener''': Please! No! No!
:'''Chandler''': It was all on you.
:'''Michener''': That's not what happened! Stop it!
:'''Chandler''': You were the one who was supposed to protect everybody.
:'''Michener''': Stop it.
:'''Chandler''': And then you stumbled into the immunes, and they told you that it was all meant to be and that you were chosen and your children were not and that all of this was destiny. And it was easy for you to believe because you needed to believe it...
:'''Michener''': Because it was the only way to go on.
:'''Chandler''': There's another way now. With us.
:'''Michener''': I killed my daughters.
:'''Chandler''': I know.
:'''Michener''': No. No. You don't.
:'''Chandler''': Then tell me. It's just you and me... Nobody else. Tell me.
:'''Michener''': After my son died... And my daughters started getting the symptoms... My wife... She begged me to put them out of their misery b-b-before it became... And I did it. ''[Voice breaking]'' With my own bare hands. I smothered them in their sleep. But Hollie... She woke up. A-and she struggled. And that's the last thing she ever felt was her father betraying her. ''[Sniffles]'' So... What do you say about that?

===''Uneasy Lies in the Head'' [2.9]===
:''[Tom Chandler talks to Jeter about President Michener's mental stability]''
:'''CDR Thomas Chandler''': He's not ready... Not yet, at least.
:'''CMC Russ Jeter''': He's come a long way in a short time, Sir.
:'''Chandler''': And I want you to get him the rest of the way there. Be his guide, his preacher, his father, his friend... Whatever he needs.
:'''Jeter''': Aye, Sir.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ravit Bivas reflects on how Israel was hit by the virus]''
:'''LT Ravit Bivas''': I was stationed in the West Bank for three years, another two in Gaza. Thought I'd seen everything. Then this pandemic broke out. And I thought, you know, maybe now we have this common enemy. We even have this cure that we want to give to people. Maybe, just maybe, we'll stop killing each other. But nothing's changed. It's all the same.

===''Friendly Fire'' [2.10]===
:''[At the ship's ringing of the 12 noon bell, Chandler talks to Dr Scott about her progress in developing a vaccine]''
:'''CDR Thomas Chandler''': I was hoping to get an update on your progress. 
:'''Dr Rachel Scott''': Well, I have a new plan. I was able to isolate the mutation in Niels' lungs that make him so contagious. And I introduced it to my vaccine. I injected myself with it about an hour ago, and then I breathed on an infected mouse, the same way that Niels used to breath on people as a way to kill them. If this works, if the mouse survives, in effect... I'll be able to breathe the cure onto people. And so will anyone else that I give this new shit to, which means that we won't need any more labs, any more infrastructure, or planes. All our problems will be solved. 
:'''Chandler''': Except one. ''[Inhales deeply]'' Did you do it?
:'''Scott''': ''[scoffs]'' Oh, God. Are you ''really'' asking me this?
:'''Chandler''':  That's exactly what I'm asking you.
:'''Scott''': The man who killed five billion people, including your wife and most of your crew's family, is dead. And now his lungs are gonna be used to save the rest of the people on this planet... 
:'''Chandler''': Goddamit, Rachel!
:'''Scott''': Yes, I did it! And I'd do it again in a beat.
:'''Chandler''': I saw you a half-hour before I left the ship. You told me you were on the verge of a breakthrough. 
:'''Scott''': I was!
:'''Chandler''': But you didn't tell me you had to kill Niels to do it.
:'''Scott''': I was hoping to avoid getting blood on your hands.
:'''Chandler''': I already have blood on my hands. You put it there.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Nathan James is hailed just after the New Orleans survivor fleet is destroyed]''
:'''CAPT Thomas Chandler''': This is captain Chandler. 
:'''Sean Ramsey''': Hello, Tommy. Given up on the Secret Service? Hope you enjoyed the fireworks. My boys worked hard on them.
:'''Chandler''': You just sent 10,000 people to their deaths. Stop hiding behind civilians.
:'''Ramsey''': You want to fight?
:'''Chandler''': Come out and fight. Let's go. You against me.
:'''Ramsey''': Oh, it won't just be me, captain. You see, the number of your enemies is about to multiply.

===''Valkyrie'' [2.11]===
:''[The Nathan James receives a strange broadcast amidst distress calls from New Orleans]''
:'''Sean Ramsey''': People of the surrounding area, my name is Sean Ramsey. I'm a lieutenant commander in the British Royal Navy. I came here as an ally of your United States Navy, but that was before I learned the truth. About the secret lab experiments, the release of the deadly virus by your military, and the subsequent government cover-up. By now, many of you will have seen the horrible video captured by witnesses on the scene. The US Navy ship that attacked New Orleans harbor was flying the American flag, but it doesn't represent you good people. That ship is a key part of a larger conspiracy to take over this country, and it won't be stopped until you are dead and a new world order is established. I know it's heartbreaking and Difficult to believe. But soon, you will have more evidence of the US Navy's role in creating the deadly virus. That is why we have created this mobile network to get out the truth... I am here to tell you that you are not alone. We Brits have not forgotten our special relationship with America... And to the captain of the USS Nathan James, who has kidnapped the American president and wreaked havoc on this great nation, hear this. We are coming for you. You cannot hide from justice. No matter where you go, there will be no safe harbor.

===''Cry Havoc'' [2.12]===
:''[Tom Chandler talks to President Michener about the situation they face]''
:'''CDR Thomas Chandler''': Mr. President, as of today, this ship has gone from being one of the safest places on earth to one of the most dangerous. You'll disembark with a team of our most experienced operators, led by the XO, along with the other assets we can't afford to lose. 
:'''US President Jeffrey Michener''': I understand about the cure, about Dr. Scott, and about the children, but I'm the commander-in-chief... 
:'''Chandler''': Which is why you need to be protected at all costs. You saw what happened the last time we faced these guys. There's no real choice here, sir.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kara and Danny have a moment before the away team deploys]''
:'''Lt Danny Green''': Kara. This sub... You've beaten them before. You'll sink it this time. 
:'''Lt Kara Foster''': Don't you dare make me raise this child by myself.
:'''Green''': That will not happen. Okay? 

===''A More Perfect Union'' [2.13]===
:''[President Michener makes a video message]''
:'''US President Jeffrey Michener''': This is President Jeffrey Michener addressing all Americans from the Navy ship the USS Nathan James, which is now entering the heart of this great nation, the Mississippi river. We are survivors of this great plague, just as you are. We have struggled, just as you have, and we still have great hope in the future, just as you do. I know that you've stayed alive this long by isolating yourselves... And your families, that many of you have been living in fear, Fear of the virus, fear of each other... Fear of the unknown. There have been people out there who have taken advantage of that. Despicable rumors and misleading videos have been broadcast from this network, lies designed to manipulate you, to make you believe that this ship and the people on it are your enemy. Nothing could be further from the truth. The men and women on this ship are some of the bravest, noblest that I have ever met, and it is an outrage that their commitment to bring all of us the cure has been undermined by those who thrive on your fear. I can tell you now that we do have the cure for the Red Flu. Attached to this message is video footage where you can see for yourself our doctor attending and curing patients sick with the virus. It is our mission now to spread this cure to as many of you as we can. At noon tomorrow, the 18th, we expect to land at the docks in Vicksburg, where we will remain in port for six hours. On the 20th, we'll arrive in Tennessee. We have made contact with a few brave citizens at the college of Memphis. Our team will meet people there at 9:00 A.M., again, for a period of six hours. We'll end our journey at 10:00 A.M. the following day, the 21st, at the port of St. Louis. It's time to turn the tide and the bloodshed, put the past behind us, and heal this great nation, all of us together. Thank you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dr Scott is heading back to her room, but encounters a strange man]''
:'''Man''': Hi. Are you the lady who made the cure?
:'''Dr Rachel Scott''': Yes. 
:'''Man''': Can I get it?
:'''Dr Scott''': Well, weren't you in the park earlier?
:'''Man''': No. I missed the party.
:'''Dr Scott''': Well, with so many people exposed, it's likely you caught it just walking into the hotel.
:'''Man''': Still, I'd like to get it from you... ''[walks closer]'' For history and all. How close do you have to be?
:'''Dr Scott''': Uh... That's close enough.
:'''Man''': Yeah. I think so. ''Sic semper tyrannis! [pulls out pistol and shoots Scott, then leaves her dead]''
==Season 3==
===''The Scott Effect'' [3.1]===
:''[President Michener addresses the nation]''
:'''US President Jeffrey Michener''': This is President Jeffrey Michener. As usual, I speak to you from the historic Old Courthouse in St. Louis, Missouri. On this, the 154th day of my presidency, I'm happy to announce that our American reconstruction plan continues on pace. In fact, if you're hearing me over an electric radio in the four corner states or seeing me for the first time on television, you already know that the Johnson hydroelectric plant is back online, providing consistent power to much of the Southwest. And from all over the country, we have more reports of Americans joining forces to fix the broken pieces of our nation. Yes, the American spirit is alive and well. Today, many of you will receive your newly printed ration cards to be used for all essential purposes. A reminder... These are not a replacement for U.S. currency. We continue to work with the banks to ensure everyone has access to their money and their property, but until our productivity can keep up with demand, these cards will ensure citizens are granted equal access to available goods. We ask for your continued patience and your help with this implementation. Dr. Rachel Scott's murder came as a shock to us all, but she died knowing that she brought life back to this great nation. And her sacrifice will not be forgotten. This St. Louis radio hub will continue to bring you updates and information, along with your local stations as they come online. Of course, I'll be back tomorrow to speak with you directly. Until then, I thank you for your contributions and your courage. This project will succeed because of you. May God bless you and the United States of America.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Tom Chandler talks to Chinese President Peng about the rollout of vaccines in Asia]''
:'''President Peng Wu''': China is still a great nation.
:'''CAPT Thomas Chandler''': President Michener hoped that you would be our partner in this endeavor. 
:'''Peng''': And we are. But there is only so much we can do. We are under constant attack by warlords, pirates, and our own neighbors. Vietnam continues to confront us on our southern borders. And what does America do to help, Captain? You deliver more cure to my enemies.
:'''Chandler''': I think you got the wrong idea. Nathan James landed in sovereign Vietnamese territory on a humanitarian mission.
:'''Peng''': A humanitarian mission. And yet you deliver the cure using a guided missile destroyer. So tell me, Captain, do I really have the wrong idea?

===''Rising Sun'' [3.2]=== 
:''[President Michener is contacted by President Peng]''
:'''US President Jeffrey Michener''': Do you have some news for us?
:'''Chinese President Peng Wu''': I'm afraid I do. It seems that Captain Chandler's plane had some very serious engine trouble as it tried to take off from our airport. Unfortunately, the plane went down. 
:'''Michener''': Plane went down? Are there any survivors?
:'''Peng''': We are searching the waters now... but we are not hopeful.
:'''Allison Shaw''': We walked right into this.
:'''Michener''': It is certainly suspicious, Mr. President, with what happened in Vietnam.
:'''Peng''': As I have told you, there are many rogue elements operating in the region. We suspected pirates at first, but your pilot radioed in with engine trouble. We are sending the transmission now between your pilot and our air traffic control.
:'''Michener''': Yes. Obviously, we'd very much like to hear that recording.
:'''Peng''': I assure you we will conduct a thorough investigation and keep you fully informed.
:'''Michener''': Well, we appreciate that, President Peng, and we will speak soon. ''[Peng hangs up]''
:'''Shaw''': You're not buying that, are you?
:'''Michener''': I'm not jumping to any conclusions, and neither should anyone in this room. Let's hear that transmission.

===''Shanzhai'' [3.3]=== 
:''[Tom has a conference call with President Michener]''
:'''CAPT Thomas Chandler''': All that said, we have no concrete leads right now to help us find our people.
:'''US President Jeffrey Michener''': But you're certain Peng is behind this. 
:'''Chandler''': He blew up our plane, to be sure But we have reason to believe that pirates from Shanzhai were responsible for the attack in Vietnam. 
:'''Michener''': So... We sortie the ships in Okinawa. Shackleton and Hayward can be in the region in a matter of days.
:'''Chandler''': I appreciate that, sir, but those ships need to be in Japan, investigating the possibility of the virus mutation. And a larger presence here may draw attention, and it could be counterproductive. I need a lower profile.
:'''Michener''': You? You're the Chief of Naval Operations and, for all intents and purposes, the head of our entire military. I need you running our global operations from here.
:'''Chandler''': Sir, the James is without its senior leadership. I can't just leave anybody...
:'''Michener''': I understand your loyalty to your people, Tom.
:'''Chandler''': This isn't just about my people. You sent me here because the region is a tinderbox. I need to stay here now and find out why this happened, what the bigger play is... Not just to save my crew. Though I believe that will be the first step, sir.
:'''Michener''': I want to know where you're going and what you're doing at all times.
:'''Chandler''': Understood, sir.
:'''Michener''': Bring 'em home, then.
:'''Chandler''': I will.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Wolf Taylor and Jesse tinker with her chopper at the Nathan James hangar]''
:'''Jesse''': So, where'd you learn to fly? RAAF?
:'''Wolf Taylor''': [[w:Australian_Antarctic_Territory|Australian Antarctic]].
:'''Jesse''': No, you're lying. 
:'''Taylor''': Rich pricks love their volcanoes.
:'''Sasha Cooper''': Hey. How long till your bird can fly?
:'''Jesse''': Not soon enough. Then I'm out of here and this will all be a bad memory.
:'''Cooper''':You're going?
:'''Jesse''': That's what I said. I'd say we should keep in touch, but that's not your thing.
:'''Cooper''': Jesse. We need you.
:'''Jesse''': I got you here. Now I got to get back to what I do.
:'''Cooper''': Your cover's blown. You'll be the dead the minute you hit Chinese airspace.
:'''Jesse''': So I'll go to Phnom Penh or Mandalay. They need cure. I was headed there next, anyway.
:'''Cooper''': Look, I get it, all right? You're mad at me. But these people are the only ones strong enough to take on Peng and the people who kill your brother. If you want to help the rest of the world, you should be helping them.
:'''Jesse''': This isn't my fight. ''[Dumbstruck, Cooper walks off and Wolf looks at Jesse before dropping his hammer, indicating he's not helping her anymore]''

===''Devil May Care'' [3.4]=== 
:''[Takehaya parades the Nathan James crew he captured in Vietnam]''
:'''Takehaya''': America, I want you to see this. You have inhabited our lands and our seas for far too long. The plague has killed, but you're killed more. We want you out. So, Jeffrey Michener, you will hear my demands. There are two U.S. Navy destroyers at the port in Okinawa. You will order them to turn around and move out of Asian waters. I have already executed one of your sailors. Do not test me. If you do not comply within 36 hours, the executions will continue.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Slattery is curious about the frequent blood transfusions]''
:'''CAPT Mike Slattery''': What's with all the blood, anyway? Cure not good enough for you?
:'''Takehaya''': The American cure is no cure. We were wiped out.
:'''Slattery''': Then you didn't have the real cure.
:'''Takehaya''': ''[shows vial]'' My dose. Made in USA.
:'''Slattery''': Doesn't make any sense.
:'''Takehaya''': The virus would've killed me. But I got lucky. I got shot. A transfusion from a cured person. The next morning, the symptoms were gone. But... it didn't last.
:'''Slattery''': That's why you started hunting fresh blood. Our blood. You went to a lot of trouble to get me and my people. Why us?
:'''Takehaya''': You needed to pay for what you did to my country.
:'''Slattery''': Look. We had... we had reports of possible mutation. What if those reports are right? What you're doing is making things worse. You can't send the ships back to America, you got to send them into Japan. Let them investigate. Our doctors will help. They'll help. I give you my word.
:'''Takehaya''': Your word means nothing.

===''Minefield'' [3.5]=== 
:''[President Michener is trying to keep the peace between the regional government representatives]''
:'''US President Jeffrey Michener''': Gentlemen, Mrs. Price, I'll remind you that we were sitting around this table just five months ago. We put our hands together and we agreed that this was the best arrangement for the country under reconstruction. The presidency, here, in St. Louis with the Chief of Staff and my Secretary of Foreign Affairs chosen from your regions. Senator Beatty with the constitutional authority to ratify certain new laws, and I thank you for that... and an expectation that all of you would try to maintain control over your regions until we sorted out how the boundaries could be drawn or whether or not we needed to elect new governors. Now, we've got congressional elections coming up next month, after which the people, through the voice of the new Congress, can decide whether or not to retain my policies. Until then, I say this... get a handle on your people. If you can't and you really fear rioting, I will not hesitate to use the full force of our armed forces to maintain order in this country. Now, I have a job to do, and so do you. As your president, I advise all of you to get to it. Thank you for coming and have a safe trip back.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Tom Chandler talks to Kara Green]''
:'''CAPT Tom Chandler''': Kara, it's May 27th. I'm recording this message at... 11:22 hours local time, South China sea. You should know Danny will be assigned off the ship, but in case we don't make it out of here... please forward the following message to my children. Mm. Ashley, Sam... I hope to God you never see this. But if you do... I wanted you to know... I wake up every day proud of you. Please never forget that. Be brave. Be kind to each other. Help each other whenever you can. And listen to your grandad once in a while. He's a pain, but the older I get, the smarter he seems to be. I wish I could have been there more. I hope you know that.

===''Dog Day'' [3.6]=== 
:'''Takehaya''': Your friends will die, but you will live, and you'll be tied to me for as long as your heart pumps blood.

===''In the Dark'' [3.7]===
:''[Danny Green writes a letter to Javier Cruz' family]''
:'''LT Danny Green''': Dear Maria, earlier this morning, our team executed a mission to rescue the sailors who were taken from Vietnam. We were successful, but not without losses. Your brother, Javier, was among the three brave sailors who gave their lives in the operation. This was not the first time he put himself in harm's way for his shipmates. And I can honestly say that I'm alive today because of him. Javier was more than a sailor, Maria. He was a hero. He was not alone in his last moments. His last thoughts were of you and his beloved nephews. Javier never gave up and never gave in. And he lives on in the hearts of those of us who were lucky to serve with him. God bless.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Tom Chandler visits a now-captured Takehaya]''
:'''CAPT Tom Chandler''': I want details about what happened after you received the cure. You can keep fighting us, thinking we're monsters, or you can cooperate, help us figure out what went wrong and how to fix it.
:'''Takehaya''': I heard the call over the radio. The Americans are coming with the cure. We rushed to the port, thousands of us. Survivors. The ships arrived. American ships. And we lined up to receive our injections. They told us to spread out, to pass the cure on to the rest of our people. Soon... there was no way to tell who had the cure and who did not.... because everyone died.
:'''Chandler''': But other than the U.S. Navy, who had custody of the cargo once it landed? Could someone have tampered with the doses on the pier?
:'''Takehaya''': No. 
:'''Chandler''': How can you be so sure? We delivered to dozens of countries on this ship. We always worked with the local partners...
:'''Takehaya''': I was a local partner, Captain. My crew was there. We'd made sure everyone received a dose. I was in charge. I was responsible.
:'''Chandler''': That's why you wanted those ships out of Okinawa. That's why you wanted to punish the people that brought you the cure. But why work with Peng?
:'''Takehaya''': I did not work with Peng.
:'''Chandler''': Oh, come on. The coincidence is too great. You kidnapped my men in Haiphong at precisely the same moment Peng blows up my plane in Hong Kong?
:'''Takehaya''': I do not call that coincidence, Captain. I call that luck.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[President Michener is forced to come on TV after reports of his gaffe early in the pandemic come to light]''
:'''US President Jeffrey Michener''': My fellow Americans, by now, many of you heard about the reports from Florida and my time spent there. I wanted to take a moment to tell you the truth directly from me. I did not know that my son, Brian, was the carrier of the Red Flu at the time. I did bring him down to Florida from an area that I knew could be infected. As a father, I acted out of desperation. But as a public servant, I was derelict in my duties. Now, as your President, I humbly offer my sincerest apology.
:'''Jacob Barnes''': Contrition from the President. Since the release of that statement an hour ago, St. Louis White House remains on virtual lockdown, with no comments from his aides and no further information to support the President's statement. At this time of uncertainty, I will continue to pursue this story wherever it leads. Jacob Barnes, AMT News.

===''Sea Change'' [3.8]===
:''[The Nathan James crew examines a jury-rigged missile they caught during an operation, noting that it carries an aerosol-based substance designed to resist the Red Flu vaccine ]''
:'''CAPT Mike Slattery''': That's what Peng's hoarding. He could fire those missiles over uncured populations, so when the cure finally does arrive... It doesn't work. 
:'''Sasha Cooper''': That boat was headed to Taiwan on a run. Jesse saw the missile near Vietnam.
:'''Takehaya''': And my wife saw the mist in Japan. By the time we got to the ports to receive the cure, it was already too late.

===''Paradise'' [3.9]===
:''[Captain Chandler briefs President Oliver about the aerosol bioweapon developed by the Chinese at Paraiso Island]''
:'''President Howard Oliver''': And how certain are you of this intelligence?
:'''CAPT Tom Chandler''': Fairly certain. Peng is too smart to do this out in the open. He'd build and transport these weapons out of sight to conceal his involvement.
:'''Oliver''': And what do you need from me?
:'''Chandler''': Sir, ''Shackleton'' and ''Hayward'' have been running in circles since this whole thing began. I'd like them to join us. We're gonna need them to take on Peng and what's left of his navy.
:'''Oliver''': My understanding is that President Michener once offered you those ships and you turned him down, choosing to run this operation solo.
:'''Chandler''': Yes, sir.
:'''Oliver''': And since then, you've left a lot of bodies in your wake, many of them American sailors. Captain, we don't know each other well, but you need to know that if my first act in office is to declare war on China, I'd like to base it on something more than the testimony of smugglers and pirates.
:'''Chandler''': Of course, sir.
:'''Oliver''': Go to this Paraiso island, find the source of these missiles, tie it to Peng, and I'll do everything in my power to help you finish him off. Consider those two ships under your command. 
:'''Chandler''': Thank you, sir.
:'''Oliver''': Good luck.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Secretary of Foreign Affairs Alex Rivera talks to Kara Green]''
:'''SFA Alex Rivera''': Kara, glad I caught you.
:'''Lt Kara Foster-Green''': Secretary Rivera. What brings you to my office? 
:'''Rivera''': I'm worried, Kara.
:'''Green''': About what, sir?
:'''Rivera''': About you, about whose team you're on.
:'''Green''': Sir, I am just as committed to the recovery of the United States as I was when I first landed in St. Louis with Captain Chandler.
:'''Rivera''': Ah, yes. The great Captain Chandler. The legend, the man that we devoted enormous amounts of time and resources to get out of trouble.
:'''Green''': I understand your concern, sir, but now that Captain Chandler has uncovered a genocide in Asia...
:'''Rivera''': A-Alleged genocide. Kara, you have to remember, we're living in a post-apocalypse. Facts and truths are just as much the victim of this plague as everything else. Right now, the best thing we can do is focus on the American people.
:'''Green''': I'm not sure exactly what you're suggesting. Can you be more specific?
:'''Rivera''': What I'm suggesting, Kara, is that while everyone is looking eastward, our country is collapsing beneath our feet. And when the chips fall, it's important you know who your friends are. Is that clear enough?
:'''Green''': Yes, sir.
:'''Rivera''': I'm glad.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After the White House learns of the Chinese destroying the USS Shackleton and damaging the USS Hayward as they were reinforcing the Nathan James, Allison Shaw gets a little bit forceful on President Howard Oliver]''
:'''White House chief of staff Allison Shaw''': Mr. President, through no fault of your own, you've stepped through the looking glass into the birth of a new America. The pandemic, the millions of deaths, the complete collapse of law and order demands a revolution of governance.
:'''President Howard Oliver''': Revolution? You mean coup d'etat. Who are you working with? Castillo?
:'''Shaw''': Castillo, Price, Wilson, Croft. America can no longer be governed by a central power, not now. Each region must look after itself.
:'''Oliver''': Sons of bitches. I knew it.
:'''Shaw''': Relax, Howard. This is a good thing. You knew that Michener was moving too fast, that America wasn't healthy enough to go back to the way things were. There are no states. There are no cities. There are only tribes scrambling out of the mud over the bodies of 300 million dead Americans. Face it, Howard... Democracy is a luxury that we can no longer afford.
:'''Oliver''': This is crazy. I mean, what the hell are you talking about?
:'''Shaw''': By now, Senator Beatty and Secretary Rivera are dead. If you try to contact any of your allies in the city, the consequences will be swift... As swift as they were for Jeffrey Michener.
:'''Oliver''': You're insane. That's it. Y-You've gone completely insane.
:'''Shaw''': Do you understand me, Howard? Your family, your friends... None of them will be safe if you do not play ball. Take a minute and think about it before you make any decisions you'll later regret. Everybody likes you, Howard. It's a big table, and there's a place for you at it as long as you go with the program. Have I made myself completely clear? This office is your home now. I'll see you in the morning. We've got a lot of work to do.

===''Scuttle'' [3.10]===
:''[Kara Green and Jacob Barnes pore over a batch of data purloined from the White House, one of which is a map defining the US as regional territories with a splotch of red dots they think are storage facilities for basic necessities]''
:'''Lt Kara Foster-Green''': Maybe that's what the dots are.
:'''Jacob Barnes''': No. The dots are prisons. Check them out. 
:'''Green''': Benton, Arkansas.
:'''Barnes''': Yep.
:'''Green''': Bismarck, North Dakota. Big Spring, Texas.
:'''Barnes''': Yep and yep. 46 prisons for a population our size? All maximum security. And they're spread out evenly in the territories. 
:'''Green''': There's controlling the troops, hoarding the food, and expecting people to resist.
:'''Barnes''': Beatty must've been getting cold feet. That's why he didn't go to the funeral. 
:'''Green''': That's why he was trying to get to Rivera.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Captain Joseph Meylan convenes a court-martial for Captain Chandler in the wake of an arrest warrant signed by President Oliver under duress]''
:'''CAPT Joseph Meylan''': Captain Chandler... Before we begin, you're entitled to make an opening statement.
:'''CAPT Thomas Chandler''': I've spent half my life in the Navy. Like you, I did everything right. Worked my way through the pipeline just to get my chance to lead. Nathan James was my first command. Suddenly... I was thrust into a situation that no one can prepare you for. The world was turned upside-down, and all the rules were thrown out. But... the Navy taught me many things. Most importantly, it taught me to adapt. I had to make some difficult decisions. God knows I made some mistakes. But never once did I waver from what I knew to be right... The core values that run through all of our veins. Honor... courage... commitment. And I served my sailors as they served me and as we all serve this great country of ours. I didn't ask for this. I could've taken this uniform off at any time. But I always believed in the work that we were doing as a team, and the decisions that I was making as a captain. And though my tactics changed to address an insane world... my resolve and my dedication to the Navy never faltered. I stand by my record
:''[Slattery and his men enter the room with weapons drawn]''
:'''Meylan''': What the hell is this? ''[sees that the men are all from the Nathan James]'' I see. This was never about your guilt or innocence.
:'''Chandler''': You forced our hand here, Captain. There was a moment today... where I actually had my doubts. Thank you for removing those for me. When the chips fall, if I'm proven wrong, I'll face justice from a higher power than you. Cooper, Green, please remove the officers and sequester them in Helo Bay 2.
:'''Lt Danny Green''': Gladly. 
:'''Chandler''': Captain, I need you to set a new course for Japan.
:'''CAPT Mike Slattery''': Yes, sir.

===''Legacy'' [3.11]===
:''[The Nathan James crew has successfully killed Peng and his men at the Japanese National Archives]''
:'''CAPT Tom Chandler''': Peng's only destroyer now belongs to me. You should know Cobra Team found a payload of anti-cure missile on board. According to the crew, that's the last of it.
:'''Takehaya''': So... it is done. The rest of Asia won't suffer as we did. 
:'''Chandler''': Let's get you home. 
:'''Takehaya''': I am home, Captain Chandler.  I want to remain here... ''[Exhales deeply]'' On Japanese soil.
:'''Chandler''': Takehaya. 
:'''Takehaya''': Kaito. My name is Kaito. Like my son.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[With President Howard Oliver rescued by Kara Green, Jacob Barnes, and Tex Nolan just as he was about to announce the decentralization of the US, Allison Shaw suddenly takes the stage further pinning President Michener's death and other events on the Nathan James]''
:'''White House chief of staff Allison Shaw''': ... We are strong people, and we have survived worse than this. And those who still love life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness have come together and formulated a plan to move forward. So in the absence of any working federal government, and deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, your regional leaders, Price, Castillo, Wilson, and Croft hereby call for the immediate suspension of the government of the United States. Each region will be able to govern itself and focus on reconstruction until such time as a central authority can be safely reestablished.
:'''CAPT Thomas Chandler''': Yeah. In other words, never.
:'''Shaw''': By the time you hear these words, control of the Armed Forces will have been split among the regional leaders, and I would like to assure you that the military turnover has been peaceful, thanks to an unprecedented collaboration between the nation's highest-ranking generals and your four regional leaders. All enlisted men and women are to report to regional military offices immediately to become part of one of four localized armies under the command...
:'''LT Alisha Granderson''': Captain, I can't get the generals on the line... Any of them. I tried to raise an entire Naval base. It's a coup, Captain.
:'''Shaw''': Thank you and God bless.
:'''Chandler''': Those men are already dead.
:'''CDR Andrea Garnett''': If there's no military, what's that mean for us?
:'''Chandler''': It means we're all alone.
:'''CAPT Mike Slattery''': We lost our country, Tom.
:'''Chandler''': Not yet. Captain, set a course for Naval Base San Diego, all ahead full. Take us home.

===''Resistance'' [3.12]===
:''[Regional leader Manuel Castillo has been captured and brought to the Nathan James]''
:'''Manuel Castillo''': Tom Chandler. Saved America from the virus, and they loved you for it. Then they got hungry. They miss things like heat, clean water, and Wi-Fi. They don't have any time for heroes now. So do your victory dance, and when the filthy masses turn against you, give me a call. I'll show you how to keep them in line.
:'''CAPT Thomas Chandler''': But I will never cooperate. Here's the deal, Manuel... From here on out, you no longer get to decide what you will and will not do. See, you had the chance to kill me, again, and you blew it... again. So you will cooperate.
:'''Castillo''': And why is that?
:'''Chandler''': Your army turned on you without hardly a shot fired. Once your partners find out you lost control of your region and Beatty's... They will cut you out like the cancer you are. And let's not underestimate the &quot;filthy masses.&quot; Once they hear what you're really about, you'll need more than an army to keep them in line. But we can always drop you back off at the depot, see for ourselves.

===''Don't Look Back'' [3.12]===
:''[Tex Nolan has convinced Tom Chandler not to kill Allison Shaw, but falls from a side wound]''
:'''Tex Nolan''': You're a good man. ''[dies]''
:'''Allison Shaw''': Go ahead. Take me away. It won't matter. Somebody else will take my place, somebody who sees the world for what it is and seizes the opportunity. The people are too wounded and scared to think for themselves. Today they follow you, but tomorrow, they will find another golden calf to worship. That much I've learned. Are you so naive? Captain, ‭you didn't save the world. You unleashed the worst in human nature. You really want to save the people, you need to terrorize them. You need to take them by the neck and shake them. You need to be more terrible so that they don't have to be, and deep down inside, you know it's true. The America you believe in is gone!
:''[Chandler takes a moment before he finally shoots Shaw dead]'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Chandler reflects as he prepares to leave the Nathan James]''
:'''CAPT Thomas Chandler''': I speak to you today a humbled man. I've made mistakes. I was silent when I should have spoken out. I ran when I should have stood and fought. But in adversity, we find strength and courage. The great Naval Captain Nimitz once said &quot;God grant me the courage not to give up what I think is right, even though I think it hopeless.&quot; Stand with me. Fight with me. Because together, we can move forward. Together, we can be strong again.

==Season 4==
===''In Medias Res'' [4.1]===
:''[The Nathan James secures provisions at [[w:Naval_Station_Rota|Navy Station Rota]], and as the crew transfer foodstuffs]''
:'''Gas Turbine System Technician First Class Michael O'Connor''': ''[holds apple]'' So this could be one of the world's last apples?
:'''Chief Culinary Specialist Bernie &quot;Bacon&quot; Cowley''': Nah, virus hasn't hit apples yet.
:'''O'Connor''': Yet?
:'''Cowley''': Six months ago, we said the same thing about corn. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Cali sits with Chandler as he prepares to go after her father, Alex, dies when Giorgio Vellek destroys their fishing boat]''
:'''Cali''': You are leaving. I can see it in your eyes.
:'''CAPT Tom Chandler''': Alex told me that I couldn't run from destiny. I left home because I was confused... between justice and revenge. 
:'''Cali''': And now?
:'''Chandler''': I want both.

===''The Pillars of Hercules'' [4.2]===
:''[Tom Chandler, as Nobody, receives a glass of wine after defeating Moose]''
:'''CAPT Tom Chandler''': Thank you very much. ''[sips]'' First-growth Bordeaux.
:'''Lucia Vellek''': You have nice taste in wine, for a fisherman.
:'''Chandler''': Just reading the label.
:'''Vellek''': You shouldn't let it go to waste. Could be the last growth.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Danny calls up the Nathan James as they are trapped by Bin Dalik's men trying to disable a mobile missile launcher on the cliffside at Gibraltar]''
:'''Sasha Cooper''': We can't wait!
:'''Lt Danny Green''': Weapon now armed and locked! Requesting danger close fire mission! One five inch round. I authenticate... Whiskey Lima Tango Niner Zero. Danger close. Confirm!
:'''LT Kara Foster-Green''': ''[Sighs]'' We copy, Vulture. Set one five-inch round. Over. Batteries release. Kill target with guns.
:''[The Nathan James fires one round. Danny, Wolf and Sasha jump off the cliff before the shell hits the launcher]''

===''Bread and Circuses'' [4.3]===
:''[a man wraps up Chandler's hands]''
:'''Man''': ''[in Italians]'' Next, hands. Give me your hands.
:'''CAPT Tom Chandler''': I'm good.
:'''Man''': Oh, you speak English, huh? Give me your hands. I'm gonna wrap 'em. You seem pretty calm for a guy facing death.
:'''Chandler''': I've faced worse.
:'''Man''': Oh, a warrior, huh? Yeah. Well, I've had my fill of warriors.
:'''Chandler''': You picked a funny profession.
:'''Man''': What, this? Oh, this is just a side gig, man. Here, they call me ''Il Dottore.''
:'''Chandler''': You're a doctor?
:'''Man''':  Philosophy. Everybody needs a philosopher, right? Especially now, this End of Days shit.
:'''Chandler''': And you just hand out wisdom?
:'''Man''': Indeed, I do. And here's your dose for today, man. Every single civilization since man walked out of a cave... Greece, Rome, Vikings, Asia, Aztecs, Africa... It's been ravaged and then decimated and devoured by the same set of fangs, and it ain't famine or plague or even war, in all of its lame excuse. It's the urge, man. The urge. Always dormant in our primordial brains, waiting like an arched leopard to pounce and butcher whatever the hell it smells for its own gratification. Did you know the leopard and the house cat are the only two animals besides man who kill for sport?   For sport, man. Just for the buzz of bloodletting. Violence is an urge, brother. It's our urge. And if it were up to me, I'd cry havoc, slip the dogs of war back on the leash. Get 'em back protecting the sheep. Know what I'm saying? 
:'''Chandler''': Then who's the shepherd?
:'''Man''': So you're a philosopher, too. ''[takes hand wraps and puts on some powder]'' Little herbal concoction. Get a little of this in the other guy's eyes... Poof, fight's over. If you gotta go to war, make it quick. ''[Snaps fingers] Bocca lupo.'' You know what that means?  ♪
:'''Chandler''': Into the wolf's mouth.
:'''Man''': Right on. Good luck.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Cobra and Vulture teams are on the ground in Sardinia... and chance upon Tom Chandler at a local fight club]''
:'''Announcer''': ''[in Italian]'' Who is brave enough to fight Hercules?
:'''Man''': ''[obviously drunk]'' I'll fight him. ''[stumbles trying to get past the ropes and everybody laughs at him]'' 
:'''Announcer''': ''[in Italian]'' Get out of here.
:'''Man''': I'll tear him into pieces! Let's go. Giorgio... ''[Giorgio Vellek throws bottle at his feet. It shatters and everybody laughs at the man being startled]''
:'''Distant voice''': ''[in English]'' I'll fight him! ''[Mike Slattery appears]''
:'''Announcer''': ''[in Italian]'' Damn, what a big companion! People, our champion certainly has his work cut out for him today! ''[rings the bell]''
:'''Crowd''': Hercules! Hercules!
:'''CAPT Mike Slattery''': Hercules? New call sign?
:'''CAPT Tom Chandler''': You like it? ''[Chuckles]'' Come on now. Make it look good. ''[the men parry but Slattery gets one good hit]'' I probably deserved that. ''[the men lock up; whispers]'' Let me guess... You're here for seeds. 
:'''Slattery''': How'd you know that?  
:'''Chandler''': They're in the basement.
:'''Slattery''': You're on the inside in this?
:'''Chandler''': Buyer's in the VIP box.
:'''Slattery''': Good thing I brought the whole gang.

===''Nostos'' [4.4]===
:''[The man who wrapped Tom Chandler's hands is livid at Lucia and Giorgio]''
:'''il Dottore''': You two are the butt of the biggest con since Ulysses jumped out of a wooden horse. Tom Chandler, on my yacht, in my house. And you two let it happen. I was that close to that guy. I was that close. He could've recognized me.
:'''Giorgio Vellek''': I didn't know it was Tom Chandler. I-I thought he was just a fisherman.
:'''il Dottore''': What did you say? What did you say to me? Hmm? What did you say to me?
:'''Giorgio Vellek''': I thought he was just a fisherman.
:'''il Dottore''': A fisherman. You thought. God, Giorgio, we are in the midst of a tectonic shift of a paradigm of human behavior. Now is not the time for you to think!

===''Allegiance'' [4.5]===
:''[Mike Slattery visits Chandler at the captain's private quarters]''
:'''CAPT Mike Slattery''': Captain, a word? ''[closes door]'' Since you seem so keen on joining our fight... Every active ship in the fleet has a copy of these orders. This is a full Presidential pardon for any crimes you may have committed during the recent Constitutional crisis. This reactivates your commission, reinstituting you to the active duty rank of Captain. All that's required now is your signature. And you taking the oath again.
:'''CAPT Tom Chandler''': I left this ship for a reason.
:'''Slattery''': And yet somehow, here you are. This ship will always be your home as far as I'm concerned. But I won't lie to you... Master Chief has reported some mixed emotions from the crew at having you back. So for clarity and morale, you need to decide one way or the other, and soon.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[One of the refugees rescued from a fishing trawler - actually a Royal Navy officer - approaches Fletcher]'''
:'''CAPT Harry Sinclair''': Hello, Fletch.
:'''CDR James Fletcher''': Hello, Harry.
:'''Sinclair''': El Alamein. Very subtle. Figured it would ring a bell.
:'''Fletcher''': &quot;My grandpapa fought back the Jerries in Egypt.&quot; You wouldn't shut up about it. We started to believe you personally stood in front of Rommel's tank.
:'''Sinclair''': What do you want, Harry?
:'''Fletcher''': I have a message from the River House.
:'''Sinclair''': Could've telephoned.
:'''Fletcher''': Couldn't take the risk our cousins would decrypt it.
:'''Sinclair''': Yeah. Sure. Okay.So?
:'''Fletcher''': The [[w:Special Relationship|special relationship]] with the Americans is no more. The labs in the US are not prepared to work with the progenitor seed. The UK is going it alone.
:'''Sinclair''': How? Our labs are worse than theirs.
:'''Fletcher''': We found a scientist. Home office says he has a lock on the science.
:'''Sinclair''': Let me guess. This scientist... His name wouldn't happen to be Vellek?
:'''Fletcher''': He reached out, made us an offer. We deliver the progenitor palm seeds, and England receives the first batch of plague-resistant crops. Our people will be fed. No waiting around like we did for the cure. Where are the seeds?
:'''Sinclair''': In the medical bay, under lock and... 
:'''Fletcher''': Under lock and key. 
:'''Sinclair''': Well, obviously I won't be able to get anywhere near them, filthy refugee that I am. ''[chuckles]'' You're gonna have to do it.
:'''Fletcher''': Me?
:'''Sinclair''':  And find me a discreet way off this ship.
:'''Fletcher''': What do you mean, off the ship? You're just gonna swim away? We're due in Naples. There's a plane.
:'''Sinclair''': That's not happening, James. I leave with the seeds before the ship gets to Naples.
:'''Fletcher''': And what? I stay behind to face a firing squad?
:'''Sinclair''': No one will know your part. You'll remain on board to throw them off the scent. Can't have the Americans starting a war with England over this.
:'''Fletcher''': This is ridiculous.
:'''Sinclair''': Fletch...
:'''Fletcher''': I've been working with the Americans for months.
:'''Sinclair''': Listen to me, it's quite simple. Their people have fought and died for these seeds. And where were they during the Immune Wars, hmm? While they were spreading the cure with kisses and love, we were massacred. We're dying at home, Fletch. I'm sorry about your new friends, but this is a good deal. It's a dog-eat-dog world now. Have you eaten dog yet, Fletch? I have. It's no fun.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Master Chief Jeter comes to Chandler after he is called out by Captain Meylan for trying to advise on how to get the seeds to the US when he's not even an officer again]''
:'''CMS Russ Jeter''': Captain Meylan's under a lot of pressure.
:'''CAPT Tom Chandler''': He was right. I crossed the line.
:'''Jeter''': I didn't say he wasn't right. This isn't you. Walking around the ship like you're on a Tiger cruise. Since when did you become a passive observer?
:'''Chandler''': Master Chief...
:'''Jeter''': Don't Master Chief me, Goddamn it. You wanted to get away. Good. It's what you did. God knows you of all people needed a break. But for months, the rest of us pressed on. The missions changed, but our commitment never wavered. And although you were always in our minds, when you left, we were broken.
:'''Chandler''': I lost my way, Russ.
:'''Jeter''': You never lost your way. You may have turned your back on your calling, but your path was always right in front of you. It led you back to the ''Nathan James''. This is where you belong.

===''Tempest'' [4.6]===
:''[The man Chandler heard as il Dottore - Paul Vellek - confers with Greek admiral Demetrius Stavros on chasing the Nathan James]''
:'''Dr Paul Vellek''': I'll explain it one more time. Look, Admiral, it is right there. It is right there in that blank box.
:'''ADM Demetrius Stavros''': What exactly am I supposed to be seeing there? It's as clear as a bell.
:'''Vellek''': It's the answer, the key, the eye of the hurricane. The proverbial missing link to my formula to save this planet lies within those seeds. Without those seeds, I have no product. Without the product, your country continues to starve. And that is exactly, Admiral, what you should be seeing in that blank box.
:'''Stavros''': Doctor, I am a simple man. I don't have your gift with figures, but my patience can only last so long. You asked for our support. Greece gives you her confidence. You asked for fighters, we give you a warship. What, Dr. Vellek? What do you ask of my country now?
:'''Vellek''': More, Demetrius. I'm asking your country for more.

==Season 5==
===''Casus Belli'' [5.1]===
:''[Admiral Chandler lectures in the US Naval Academy about the Peloponnesian War]''
:'''ADM Thomas Chandler''': This is how war begins. Athens and Sparta fought during a plague which wiped out much of the population. - Sound familiar? But the war brought only more death and destruction because people let their fear, their honor, their interest cloud their judgment. The Peloponnesian War may be ancient history, but its lessons are not. You here will be the first graduating class of midshipmen to enter the Navy since our own troubles ended just three years ago. We're in a time of peace, but peace doesn't keep itself. Ours is a small navy, which means... your importance to the mission is even larger. And you will take the lessons from history, both ancient and very recent, with you as you enter service. When you put on the uniform, you can't let your fear or your pride or your selfish interest lead you astray, or people die. We have to think differently because we are different. We are warriors.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Tavo Barros makes a speech in the wake of the Fleet Week sneak attack]''
:'''President Gustavo &quot;Tavo&quot; Barros''': I will now speak directly to our enemies in a language they can understand. Americans, you are on notice. The people of Central and South America are united! We will no longer cower in fear of your big stick. For you do not offer us protection, but enslavement. Today marks the beginning of a new equilibrium. Gran Colombia will no longer sit at the children's table of international politics. It is our turn! Be warned. If the United States wants a fight, you will lose. For in the words of [[Simón Bolívar]], a people who love their freedom will, in the end, be free. And we are united... as a continent... to fight for that freedom. We are one nation under God! ''La Gran Colombia! Al Norte!''

===''Fog of War'' [5.2]===
:''[Commander Green address the Nathan James crew]''
:'''CDR Kara Foster-Green''': Many of you here are new to the Navy... new to this ship. Some of you, we've been here before. Either way, what happened in Mayport is not something you ever get used to. It hurts. And it was meant to hurt. That's what our enemy wanted to do. And today, he succeeded. It caught us off guard, sent a powerful message, trying to shake our resolve. But a war isn't lost because we're hurt. For over three years, the United States Navy has built, sustained, and protected its war-fighting culture. This attack doesn't change that. In fact, it will once again bring out the best in us. Our enemies have underestimated us. And if you doubt that, look back at the past few years. Look at the people who've been on this ship. When trouble arises, we have proven time and time again, no matter the enemy, no matter the odds, one ship can do it. This ship can do it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Admiral Chandler summons to US SOUTHCOM a USNA midshipman who submitted a term paper to him about a future cyberattack]''
:'''Midshipman Clayton Swain''': Admiral Chandler?
:'''ADM Thomas Chandler''': Mr. Swain, before the planes came, the US was the victim of a cyberattack. It killed our satellites, shut down our anti-access and area denial systems, and destroyed weapons control on all our networked assets... ships, tanks, planes, helos, Aegis, and missile silos. 
:'''Swain''': Whoa. 
:'''Chandler''': Your theory was correct. Grab your things and come with me. You're gonna be here awhile. Do you need to call anyone?
:'''Swain''': I forgot to ask. 
:'''Chandler''': Are you married? Do you live with your folks?
:'''Swain''': No, sir. I'm not married, and, uh, my parents died in the plague.
:'''Chandler''': Right.
:'''Swain''': You wrote that U.S. military installations were extremely vulnerable to cyberattacks.
:'''Chandler''': That was my conclusion, sir. It had to do with the number of nodes and the redundancies...
:'''Swain''':  I need you to find the virus, where it came from, and how to get rid of it. You'll be working with Commander Granderson. Good luck, Mr. Swain.
:'''Chandler''': Oh. Raise your right hand. POTUS usually does this, but he's not here, so... Do you solemnly swear to support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice. So help me God.”
:'''Swain''': I do. 
:'''Chandler''': Congratulations, ''Ensign'' Swain. You are now a member of the United States Navy. Get to work.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[US SOUTHCOM and Admiral Chandler is informed of a call from the Nathan James broadcast in the clear]''
:'''ADM Thomas Chandler''': This isn't a secure channel, Mike. 
:'''ADM Mike Slattery''': Yeah, I know. I finally got around to reading your favorite book. You got your copy handy?
:'''Chandler''': Hold on. Ensign Swain, do you have your copy of &quot;Moby-Dick&quot;? 
:'''ENS Clayton Swain''': Yes, sir. 
:'''Chandler''': We've got it.
:'''Slattery''': Turn to page 366, nine paragraphs down. Last words.
:'''Chandler''': Working on it.
:'''Slattery''': This is how we're gonna have to communicate for the time being.
:'''Chandler''': Understood. Smart play, Mike. Well? What's the message?
:'''Swain''': &quot;Fit for a fight.&quot;
:'''Chandler''': We've got it.
:'''Slattery''': Tom, is the message clear?
:'''Chandler''': Yes, it is. We read you loud and clear.
:'''Slattery''': We'll be in touch.

===''El Puente'' [5.3]===
:''[A spitball incident in the Nathan James mess hall between the Cuban and Mexican envoys gets too personal and the crew tries hard to separate them]''
:'''ADM Mike Slattery''': Now, you listen to me. You and your men are gonna cut this shit out, you're gonna bury the hatchet. you're gonna make a deal, or I promise you, you will be swimming home. Escort them to the wardroom. Move! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Nathan James successfully fights off a Gran Colombian airstrike]''
:'''ADM Thomas Chandler''': This is Nathan James, calling Gustavo Barros. We just took out your airwing, and you didn't lay a glove on us. And you can mark that up along with your Corvette. Payback for Mayport. You may have hit us hard, but you didn't finish us. You know why? Because you can't. And now Mexico and Cuba have joined the fight. So this message goes out to all of Central and South America. There is a choice now. Join us. Send Gustavo back into the dirt hole he crawled out of. We fight for peace. But make no mistake... we will fight. And this ship and this crew? They're damn good at it. So, Gustavo... come at us again. I dare you. This is Nathan James. Out. ''[to bridge crew]'' Now, they know who we are, where we are. Let's be ready for what they throw at us. 
:'''Bridge crew''': Aye, sir.
:'''Chandler''' Nobody's talking about going home now. It's a good day.

===''Tropic of Cancer'' [5.4]===
:''[Alisha Granderson has figured out that the Fleet Week cyberattack was attributed to Kelsi visiting her in the office two days before - and confronts her at home]''
:'''CDR Alisha Granderson''': I didn't want to believe it. All those questions. &quot;Is Nathan James okay?&quot; &quot;Is Tom Chandler alive?&quot; &quot;Tell me, tell, me, tell me.&quot; You used me as a weapon. How long?
:'''Kelsi Baker''': Since before we met.
:'''Granderson''': Why? How?!
:'''Baker''': It was my duty. Surely, you can understand that.
:'''Granderson''': You're insane.
:'''Baker''': I'm insane? No. Insane is believing in lies and closing your eyes to the truth. Insane is having blind faith in a corrupt power structure. No, we need... What the people yearn for is an awakening. Have you heard Tavo speak? Have you heard his message? &quot;The first step towards tyranny&quot; &quot;is to believe&quot; &quot;the government will take care of everything.&quot;
:'''Granderson''': Kelsi, did I mean nothing to you?
:'''Baker''': Oh, I did care about you, Alisha. You should know that. And for awhile there, I thought I loved you, but... you and me, what we are... That doesn't even matter. Not now.

===''Warriors'' [5.5]===
:''[As Vulture team tries to hide in a Jamaican rum cellar from Gran Colombia invasion forces, Chandler talks to war strategist Dr Manuel Montano]''
:'''ADM Thomas Chandler''': I was gonna wait till we were on the flight home, but it looks like we got a couple minutes, so let's take some time. You're the architect of Gustavo's war machine. What's the sequel to Plan Azul? Haiti, Puerto Rico, Bahamas?
:'''Dr Manuel Montano''': I fight for the Latin American people. So that we will no longer be dependent on the whims of the north.
:'''Chandler''': Now you sound like your boss.
:'''Montano''': You're a man of war, Admiral. And a professor, as I understand. You tell me... how many invasions, bombs, coups, CIA black ops, and other interventions does it take before people push back?
:'''Chandler''': America's not your enemy.
:'''Montano''': America is a continent, not a country, Admiral. Learn that... maybe you'll understand La Revolución. Gustavo's not a revolutionary. He's not fighting to right old wrongs.
:'''Chandler''': He's a strong man and an opportunist, and he's killing more of your people than ours. 
:'''Montano''': I did not say I support Gustavo.
:'''Chandler''': You're not in Jamaica guarding Gustavo's secrets. You're running away.
:'''Montano''': Yes, Admiral.
:'''Chandler''': In another of the great post-plague ironies, one of the great strategists of war has become a pacifist.
:'''Montano''': The first time I heard him speak was in his home town. A little place called Rubi. He was a man of humble beginnings, speaking of hope, belonging... Listening to Tavo was a revelation. He put words to the pain and the shame of the South American experience... all we'd been feeling for so long. The plans we made together were going to do great good.
:'''Chandler''': So what changed?
:'''Montano''': Tavo changed.
:'''Chandler''': Or he stopped hiding his true intentions.
:'''Montano''': And it wasn't just rebels being killed, it was whole villages... anyone who fed into Tavo's paranoia. You can only see a child be burned alive so many times before you question your part in it all.
:'''Chandler''': You know his next moves. Help me stop him, help me end this.
:'''Montano''': If I help you, will that save my nation?
:'''Chandler''': If you don't, will your nation still be worth saving?
:'''Montano''': If I join you... I'm still an instrument of death. The only difference is the person delivering it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Flashback to a scene at the Chandler home. Admiral Chandler is in a heated argument with daughter Ashley]''
:'''ADM Thomas Chandler''': I just don't know what it is you're telling me. What are you telling me? ''[Ashley walks off]'' Get back here, I'm talking to you! Come back here, I'm talking to you. 
:'''Ashley Chandler''': Mom knew it, too! She knew you hated being home. You were never happy unless you were on your damn ship!
:'''Tom''': I'm sorry I'm the one you got stuck with. I'm sorry your mom died!
:'''Ashley''': And you weren't here.
:'''Tom''': Ashley. Ashley....
:'''Ashley''': You don't belong here. You belong out there.

===''Air Drop'' [5.6]===
:''[Gustavo Barros is interviewed]''
:'''Reporter''': I'm curious if your thinking has changed or if you regret starting a war with the United States.
:'''President Gustavo &quot;Tavo&quot; Barros''': We didn't start this war.
:'''Reporter''': You sank a US fleet in Mayport on the very day that your loyalists murder the duly-elected leader of Panama. That sounds textbook.
:'''Barros''': Mayport wasn't an attack, nor was it the beginning. You're young, but smart enough to know the US's history of murder and political insurrection in Latin America. [[w:1954 Guatemalan coup d'état|Guatemala '54]], [[w:Bay of Pigs invasion|Cuba '61]], [[w:Dominican Civil War|D.R. '65]], [[w:1973 Chilean coup d'état|Chile '73]], [[w:United_States_and_state-sponsored_terrorism|Nicaragua '82]], [[w:United_States_invasion_of_Grenada|Grenada '83]]. This war is a battle for the survival of the people of Gran Colombia. 
:'''Reporter''': So, is this your justification for the forced conscription, the purges, the death squads?
:'''Barros''': Where do you get this information from?
:'''Reporter''': Several accounts from defectors...
:'''Barros''': Defectors from what? Our borders are not closed. People are free to come and go as they wish.
:'''Reporter''': Their accounts are remarkably consistent.
:'''Barros''': This isn't a war of public opinion. This is about taking a fresh look at the world... Post-virus, post-famine. It's about adjusting the balance. United States have been bullies for too long. This movement is a rebirth. Take your camera and your notepad and go to the countryside. Go to the cities of Central and South America and see the pride in people's faces. Freedom from tyranny is what they demanded. And it's what I'm giving them. And I'm inviting the people of all of the Americas to join.

===''Courage'' [5.9]===
:''[General Hector Martinez is summoned along with the entire Gran Colombia high command to dinner with President Barros, but when he notices that the other generals are absent...]''
:'''President Gustavo &quot;Tavo&quot; Barros''': Bad news, Hector. The generals? They were plotting against me.
:'''General Hector Martinez''': Who, Tavo?
:'''Barros''': Eat, Hector. Gazpacho shouldn't be allowed to warm to room temperature. It's good.
:'''Martinez''': There must be a mistake. You're telling me there was a coup amongst my generals?
:'''Barros''': ''Your'' generals? I hope they aren't your generals, Hector. No. They're cowards. And I warned you against them. 
:'''Martinez''': ''[Spanish]'' Are you sure? I've known these men a very long time. I would have heard something.
:'''Barros''': There is no mistake, Hector.
:'''Martinez''': So you have proof?
:'''Barros''': Conchita saw it. In the cards.
:'''Martinez''': Tavo. We cannot play with men's lives. These cards cannot always be trusted.
:'''Barros''': They confessed. Chacon, Bianchi, Rodriguez, Munos, Moreno. Every single one of them.
:'''Martinez''': Oh, my God.
:'''Barros''': But it doesn't matter, not really. All I wanted to know... the only thing I asked them before I removed their intestines was, did Hector know? Of course, none of them gave you up. But they gave each other up real quick. But you? Not you. Then I started feeling bad. For doubting you. ''[sees Maza distraught]'' It's... it's okay.
:'''Martinez''': No, no, no, no. With all the pressure from the war, I've...
:'''Barros''': I know I've gone a little crazy. And I'm sorry about that.
:'''Martinez''': You don't have to apologize, Tavo. I support you. Always.
:'''Barros''': Of course you do. Of course, I know. That is why I want you to lead the investigation to see just how far down this conspiracy goes. I want it torn out by the roots!
:'''Martinez''': ''Sí'', Tavo. I will handle it personally. Like always.
:'''Barros''': Like always. Conchita. ''[Conchita leaves]'' Hector, my friend. My brother. ''[Barros' bodyguard suddenly stabs Martinez]'' If you're gonna stab a man in the back, the least that you can do is look him in the eye!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Nina talks to Admiral Chandler about the war film showing for the sailors and Marines on the eve of the Gran Colombia invasion]''
:'''Nina Garside''': Guess Gator's got the right idea. Try and keep their minds off things, even just for a few hours. So, tell me, Admiral. What's going through your head on the night before D-Day?
:'''Admiral Chandler''': Nathan James.
:'''Garside''': The ship?
:'''Chandler''': The sailor. Ship's namesake. Captain Nathan James skippered a PT boat during the war in the Pacific. His fleet was decimated. His boat was all that was left standing against nine Japanese destroyers. The boat sank beneath him. Not before he stopped the enemy's advance. He single-handedly saved a fleet of newly-repaired American destroyers coming out of Pearl Harbor carrying thousands of sailors into the fight. Captain James said, &quot;war is a beast.&quot; It appears in many forms. Sometimes it's the beast you face head on, out on the field of battle. As equals. Sometimes the beast hides out. Lurking somewhere in the deep, biding its time &quot;until, when your guard is dropped, it comes for you.&quot; &quot;Bloodthirsty and merciless.&quot; &quot;And it drags you under. On any given day, you never know which beast you're gonna face.&quot; 
:'''Garside''': Which beast is it for you, Admiral?

===''Commitment'' [5.10]===
:''[Sasha Cooper and Danny Green have cornered Gustavo Barros]''
:'''Gustavo &quot;Tavo&quot; Barros''': Where is he... Tom Chandler? Where is he? 
:'''Danny Green''': He couldn't be bothered. 
:'''Sasha Cooper''': The war's over. Your army surrendered. Your turn.
:'''Tavo''': I will only surrender to Tom Chandler, soldier to soldier.
:'''Green''': We'll send your regards. Get on the floor. Now. ''[shoots Tavo when he tries to reach for a pistol; as he dies] Viva Tavo.''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After the Nathan James is destroyed, Admiral Chandler is in a near-death dream sequence where he witnesses footage of himself being relieved of command in front of the crew]''
:'''President Jeffrey Michener''': I'm proud to honor you today for your service to the U.S. Navy, our great nation, and the world. Captain Chandler, are you ready to be relieved of command?
:'''Admiral Chandler''': Who am I passing off command to?
:'''Commander Alicia Granderson''': We have the watch, sir. 
:''[band plays Adagio for Strings as certain people stand up]''
:'''Captain Andrea Garnett''': We have the watch. 
:'''LTJG Will Mason''': We have the watch. 
:'''Petty Officer Cosetti''': We have the watch. 
:'''Lieutenant Commander Barker''': We have the watch. 
:'''Chief Hospital Corpsman Doc Rios''': We have the watch. 
:'''Commander Carlton Burk''': We have the watch, sir. 
:'''Admiral Joseph Meylan''': Bosun, stand by to pipe the side. Shipmates going ashore. ''[everybody stands up]''
:'''President Michener''': It's time, pal. God bless you and God bless America.

== Cast ==
* Eric Dane - CDR/CAPT/ADM Thomas Chandler, USN 
* Rhona Mitra - Dr Rachel Scott
* Adam Baldwin - CDR/CAPT/ADM Mike Slattery, USN

== External links ==
{{wikipedia|The Last Ship (TV series)}} 
* {{imdb title|2402207|The Last Ship TV series}}
* {{official website|http://www.thelastshiptnt.com/}}

[[Category:2010s American drama TV shows]]</text>
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      <comment>/* Season 4 */ EP7-8</comment>
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'''''[[w:The_Last_Ship_(TV_series)|The Last Ship]]''''' (2014-2018) is an American action drama television series formerly airing on TNT, based on a book of the same name by William Brinkley. The plot revolves around the crew of the US Navy destroyer ''USS Nathan James'' as they struggle to survive in a pandemic-hit world.
 
== Season 1 ==
=== ''Phase Six'' [1.1] ===
:''[Commander Chandler is livid that Dr Scott has not been honest about her work in the Arctic despite having fought off an attack by Russian forces]''
:'''CDR Thomas Chandler''': ''[grabs Scott's biosamples case]'' I swear to God, I will throw this overboard! I want answers!
:'''Dr Rachel Scott''': You want answers? Seven months ago, outside Cairo, there was an outbreak-- a virus of unknown origin. Its genetic structure was like nothing any of us had ever seen. It swept throughout the village, killing everyone that it infected. Egyptian officials claimed the outbreak was contained, but it wasn't. Instead, it continued to mutate and spread. The CDC and the WHO wanted to sample the virus from the victims to create a vaccine. But nothing worked. It was my belief that we needed to find the primordial strain here in the Arctic.
:'''Chandler''': The birds.
:'''Scott''': They're just the carriers. They pick up the virus from the melting permafrost. We finally found their feeding ground.
:'''Chandler''': So you have what you need to stop this thing?
:'''Scott''': I won't know until we get it back to the lab. We're running out of time. The virus back home is moving quicker than any of us could've imagined.
:'''Chandler''': How would you know that? We've been radio silent since we left Norfolk.
:'''Scott''':  Because I have my own sat phone.
:'''Chandler''': We were at EMCON so no one would know our position!
:'''Scott''': We were at EMCON to protect my mission... Not yours. Orders came from the White House.
:'''Chandler''': Well, you led the Russians right to us and endangered my entire crew.
:'''Scott''': It was imperative that I stay in contact with the labs back home to keep them informed of my progress. I don't think you understand what we're talking about here.
:'''Chandler''': Enlighten me.
:'''Scott''': When we left Norfolk, the virus was at Phase Two, limited to small clusters in Asia and Africa. We are now at Phase Six-- global pandemic. 80% of the world's population is infected. The world is sick, Captain Chandler... Very sick.
:'''Chandler''': Are you telling me the whole world is dying, and they send two people to save it?
:'''Scott''': It took weeks to convince the government to even send me here. Most of my colleagues think that I'm insane.
:'''Chandler''': Are you?
:'''Scott''': I told you... that what's in that case... might be the only hope that we have.

=== ''Welcome to Gitmo'' [1.2]===
:''[having secured Guantanamo Bay of the former Al-Qaeda prisoners]''
:'''CDR Thomas Chandler''': I don't know how you feel about the water... but we sure could use your services.
:'''Tex Nolan''': Where you headed?
:'''Chandler''': We got some things to do, but when we're done, we're going home.
:'''Nolan''': Yeah, I'll sign up for that.

===''Dead Reckoning'' [1.3]=== 
:''[Commander Chandler talks to Doctor Scott about Admiral Ruskov's demands]''
:'''CDR Thomas Chandler''': Who else has been working on a vaccine?
:'''Dr Rachel Scott''':  What, in the world? Everyone.
:'''Chandler''':  What about the Russians? Were they close?
:'''Scott''': I mean, nobody was making any real progress. And I hate to say it, but they're probably all dead anyway. Why?
:'''Chandler''': If somebody had the primordial strain of the virus, the stuff you found in the ice, could they make a vaccine?
:'''Scott''': I suppose, if they had the right equipment and someone qualified to run it. But they'd be months behind us.

===''We'll Get There'' [1.4]=== 
:''[Flashback to Commander Chandler's preparations to leave for the Arctic deployment]''
:'''CDR Thomas Chandler''': Darien, I'm not going to the Med. Navy's sending us to the Arctic.
:'''Darien Chandler''': The Arctic? That's crazy.
:'''Tom''': Some cold-weather test on a new weapon system. It's all classified. It's happening very fast. We're gonna be at complete radio silence. No e-mails, no calls.
:'''Darien''': For how long?
:'''Tom''': Six months, maybe five.
:'''Darien''': Figures.
:'''Tom''': It's my last tour for a while. Then I'll be around the house so much, you'll be sick of me, I promise.

===''El Toro'' [1.5]=== 
:''[The team has been caught by el Toro's men]''
:'''CDR Thomas Chandler''': I'm guessing you must be El Toro.
:'''El Toro''': I am, indeed. And who do I have the pleasure of talking to?
:'''Chandler''': Tom Chandler, U.S. Navy. Your men took our weapons, CBR suits, and equipment. We're gonna need 'em back.
:'''El Toro''': You won't need your suits. There is no virus here. As for your weapons, I cannot have your men walking around with machine guns. That would frighten my people.
:'''Chandler''': Well, I'm afraid that's not acceptable. With respect, I don't have time to debate it. The remainder of my crew, some 200-odd U.S. Navy sailors, await our return aboard our destroyer, U.S.S. Nathan James, currently in the bay at the mouth of the river. We don't return by 2300 hours, they'll come looking. And rest assured, they will find us.

===''Lockdown'' [1.6]=== 
:''[Chandler talks to the crew over the PA after Dr Scott shows him some prototypes of a Red Flu vaccine]''
:'''CDR Thomas Chandler''': Good evening, Nathan James. This is the captain. I wanted to inform you all of our progress in the mission. As you know, a small team entered Nicaragua to find primates for Dr. Scott's test, which she hopes will be a vaccine against the virus. While there, we encountered a drug lord who enslaved 150 people. We eliminated his men and we eliminated him, freeing those healthy people there to establish a life for themselves. We also encountered several dozen infected people, including children. Yesterday, we couldn't help them. But perhaps tomorrow, we will be able to, because we came back to the Nathan James with 34 monkeys. Dr. Scott will now conduct her trials on those monkeys. But we... We are not waiting. We're setting a course for home. By the time we get there, we believe Dr. Scott will have a vaccine, and our mission will be completed. Today's a good day. Carry on. 

===''SOS'' [1.7]=== 
:''[Flashback to Oslo, Norway, six months before the outbreak]''
:'''Niels Sorensen''': I don't understand why you won't listen to me. It's a splice overlap PCR reaction with an immune-modulatory gene. It will help the body identify the virus and create antibodies.
:'''Professor Lindblom''': Yes, yes. You are young and have a bright career ahead. And don't waste your time with schoolboy science fiction.
:'''Sorensen''': The virus is spreading. There are cases being reported beyond the Middle East. It will be in Oslo by winter. It is deadly and will likely mutate. We...
:'''Lindblom''': Niels. I am well aware of what's at stake. But what you are proposing is too dangerous. The Australians tried it on mouse pox. It was a complete disaster.
:'''Sorensen''': I've already done the experiment.
:'''Lindblom''': What?
:'''Sorensen''': On myself.
:'''Lindblom''': While you were gone. And it worked.
:'''Sorensen''': You are mad.
:'''Lindblom''': I'm still here.
:'''Sorensen''': Absolutely mad.
:'''Lindblom''': I'm perfectly healthy. Professor Lindblom, please.
:'''Sorensen''': You stay away from my lab. You hear me? I am finished with you! ''[storms off]''
:'''Lindblom''': Professor..

===''Two Sailors Walk Into a Bar...'' [1.8]===
:''[The Russians have captured Commander Chandler and brought him to Admiral Ruskov aboard the Vyerni]''
:'''ADM Konstantin Ruskov''': I'd like to treat you with the respect your rank affords, but you are going to have to meet me halfway. Now, tell me of Dr. Scott's progress with the vaccine. She's close, right?
:'''CDR Thomas Chandler''': My name is Thomas Chandler, Commander, United States Navy, serial number 4242022634.
:'''Ruskov''': There is no need for that. The Geneva Convention doesn't exist anymore. Hell, ''Geneva'' doesn't exist anymore! ''[laughs]'' Ah... Still won't talk? See, I told you. He would rather go it alone and die than share in the glory of saving the world. Why else would you, the ship's captain, personally lead the mission to save some poor island girl? Like with all tragic heroes, your hubris brought about your downfall. What do you have to say to that, Commander Chandler?
:'''Chandler''': My name is Thomas Chandler, Commander, United States Navy, serial number 4242022634.
 
===''Trials'' [1.9]===
:''[CMC Jeter remembers PO Cossetti]''
:'''Command Master Chief Russ Jeter''': The ceremony will be at 0900. We'll have seven guns and the ensigns at half-mast. It'll be a hero's farewell. 
:'''CDR Thomas Chandler''': He wanted to redeem himself. 
:'''Jeter''': He never had to. 
:'''Chandler''': He gave his life for mine.
:'''Jeter''': He gave his life for the mission. And now we're free...
:'''Chandler''': To finish it.

===''No Place Like Home'' [1.10]=== 
:''[After seeing that USAMRIID's biological facility has been destroyed, the crew suddenly receives a call from the still-functioning local government]''
:'''CDR Thomas Chandler''': This is Tom Chandler, commanding officer of the USS Nathan James, over.
:'''Amy Granderson''': Captain Chandler. You have no idea how good it is to hear your voice. We thought you were lost at sea.
:'''Chandler''': No, ma'am, we're alive and well.
:'''Granderson''': Oh! There you are. I got it. You must be nearby. I'm Amy Granderson. And I suppose an explanation is in order. As vice-chair of the President's defense policy board, I was briefed on your mission to the Arctic. I knew the risks of the coming pandemic, and I had my daughter transferred to your ship. You must forgive me.
:'''Chandler''': No apology needed, ma'am. Your daughter's been an incredible asset. Pleased to hear from you. We had no word from the presidential bunker.
:'''Granderson''': President Geller invited me underground. I declined. I-I felt the risk was too big to have so much of our civilian and military command in one confined space. Unfortunately, I was right.
:'''Chandler''': So the government is gone.
:'''Granderson''': For the most part, yes. Since the bunker went silent, there has been a breakdown of infrastructure, general panic, and, of course, a tremendous loss of life. I have tried to execute a contingency plan working with the state and local police to create safe zones. We have been hanging on as best we can. And I have been praying every day for your return.

==Season 2==
===''Unreal City'' [2.1]===
:''[Dr Scott is trying to talk to Amy Granderson]''
:'''Amy Granderson''': We have successfully taken control of the Nathan James. My people are collecting all your work as we speak. Now, with your research and your samples, Dr. Hamada and his team will eventually learn to make the cure themselves. Wouldn't it be better for everyone if you just agreed to work together?
:'''Dr Rachel Scott''': Work together? What, on your Darwinian experiment? Save those that you deem worthy and, what, just forget the rest?
:'''Granderson''': Perhaps I was overzealous in... &quot;barbarians at the gate,&quot; I believe, is what you called them. Doctor, I watched a grown man b*at a 12-year-old boy to death over a gas mask. I saw a woman stab her sister in the back for a can of beans. The apocalypse is here. It's been here for a long time. But I am willing to adjust my philosophy to suit your sensibilities if you just help me get the lab up and running.
:'''Scott''': What about the captain? And my friends?
:'''Granderson''': The best thing you can do for your friends is to let them know you've decided to cooperate with me. That will end this foolish bloodshed.
:'''Scott''':You say you'll help everyone?
:'''Granderson''':I will.
:'''Scott''': Well, then, prove it.
:'''Granderson''': And how do you suggest I do that?
:'''Scott''': You're wasting doses here on healthy people. Let me out into the street with what I have left... save people who are already sick. What, you think I'm gonna try to escape?
:'''Granderson''': I think it's silly. And given the state of the world, I think it's small.

===''Fight the Ship'' [2.2]===
:''[Mike Slattery addresses the people of Baltimore]''
:'''CDR Mike Slattery''': Attention people of Baltimore. USS Nathan James is back under the control of her crew. This ship is now engaged in the fight to free Baltimore and spread the cure for the Red Flu to all of its citizens. This message goes out to Amy Granderson and all those loyal to her. Nathan James has been liberated and has joined the fight against you. We demand your immediate surrender. Lay down your arms... or be subject to the full force of the United States Navy.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Nathan James crew and Thorwald's men have gained the upper hand at Avocet and Granderson is cornered trying to escape]''
:'''CDR Thomas Chandler''': There are 200 more where I came from. You heard my X.O. We've taken back our ship, this building is ours, and we're telling the people of Baltimore that your kill zone at Olympia is out of business. You have two choices... a trial... or a funeral.
:'''Amy Granderson''': ''[to bodyguard]'' I gave you a direct order. Shoot! ''[bodyguard wavers and stands down]''
:'''Bodyguard''': I am not going anywhere with you.
:'''Chandler''': I found your daughter lying in a pool of her own blood, shot by your guards, under your order! My children were lined up to be murdered and sent to the ovens, along with thousands of desperate people... all so you can keep the lights on for your select few.
:'''Granderson''': You don't know! The virus was spreading! So you get to decide who lives and who dies?! There was panic, Captain, and I remained calm. Everybody was fleeing underground, but I stood firm! There was no plan and I built this. I'm the reason these people have survived this long.
:'''Chandler''': Except when you had the cure in hand, you wouldn't stop! You continued killing. It's over. Your grand social experiment is history. I'm offering you the chance. Surrender with honor.
:'''Granderson''': And who will judge me? You?
:'''Chandler''': Not me. A jury of your peers. Pick up the radio. Stand down your troopers. Shut down Olympia. Turn away your helo and come peacefully. It's the only way for you now.
:'''Granderson''': ''[on radio]'' Th-this is Amy... This is Amy Granderson. Stand down. Cease and desist all operations at Olympia. Repeat... stand down. We are surrendering. ''[Radio clatters]'' I am not a monster. I am not. ''[brings out vial and swallows]'' Dr. Hamada assured me that the cocktail provided a quick and painless death. I insisted on it.

===''It's not a Rumor'' [2.3]===
:''[The Nathan James study all material recovered from the White House and play a video file labelled SECNAV]''
:'''[[w:Ray Mabus|Ray Mabus]]''': ''[on video]'' Is this on? Can I start now?
:'''Man''': Yes, sir.
:'''Mabus''': The U.S. Navy is currently on a mission...
:'''CMC Russ Jeter''': It's the secretary of the Navy. 
:'''Mabus''': ...to find the materials for a vaccine to combat the current deadly pandemic. Now, if y... you're viewing this video, you are a part of the new network of facilities in the United States and certain foreign nations which were chosen to produce and distribute the vaccine in the event their mission is successful. In order to protect the security of the labs in the new network, your locations have been kept secret. However, you'll be able to communicate with the civilian command, with each other via secure satellite connection. The codes for that connection have been embedded within the drive that contains this video. These codes have to be guarded at all cost. If... if and when a vaccine arrives...
:'''CDR Thomas Chandler''': No one's decoded this yet?
:'''Lt Kara Foster''': No, sir. We didn't know those encryptions existed until just now.
:'''Chandler''': Find me those labs. Do it quickly.
:'''Foster''': Yes, sir. 
:'''Mabus''': Godspeed.

===''Solace'' [2.4]===
:''[a SEAL operator talks to the Nathan James crew about the situation in Norfolk]''
:'''Damon''': Me and my team were stationed up in Little Creek. When shit went down, we went inland. We only made it back here a few weeks ago. We got 34 military personnel in town as far as we can tell... some Army, some Marines, but mostly Navy.
:'''CDR Mike Slattery''': Our intel says there's a biosafety Level IV lab on base here.
:'''Damon''': There was, but the equipment got moved someplace and no one here can tell us where. We've been trying to divide the city into sectors, impose a level of control. We got people holed up in different safe houses... school gym, supermarkets, some of them even running on diesel generators. I don't know if we found them all yet, but we're still in the process of clearing the city. 
:'''Slattery''': My people are about to head out there soon, try to find their families. Any information I can give them ahead of time will be much appreciated.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[in a cabin in Florida, a man addresses a group of people who applaud at every line he says]''
:'''Man''': And let me tell you something else... we are more than just survivors! We are more than our grief, we are more than our loss, and we are more than our pain! Yeah. We were spared for a reason. We were spared because we were put on this earth to do something more! We were spared because we're special... because we are the rightful inheritors of the earth. This is our destiny... because we are the chosen! We are the chosen! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jed Chandler notices his son Thomas throwing out the garbage]''
:'''Jed Chandler''': Gonna be puttering around all day?
:'''CDR Thomas Chandler''': Just getting the place in order.
:'''Jed''': ''[sighs]'' Well, I thought you might just be procrastinating... 'cause you don't know how to go back to the ship and tell that crew of yours that you're quitting. Do you not realize that they... that they can't do it without you? What kind of message are you gonna send to them, that you're, uh, George Washington and you've come back to work on your farm? You think because you got a... a lab in Baltimore and six planes with the cure that everything's in hand? The world is in chaos. There's a lot more to do.
:'''Tom''': And that crew is trained to do it, with or without me.
:'''Jed''': They need you.
:'''Tom''': And they don't? ''[referring to Ashley and Sam]'' And what if I don't come back? I'm gonna make my kids orphans?
:'''Jed''': You think you're the first soldier that had trouble leaving their family behind? Huh? During World War II, English naval captains put their wives and children in bunkers in London and went back out to sea... to fight the Nazis for years.
:'''Tom''': Wives and children, Dad. ''The wives were there.''
:'''Jed''': ''[remembers what happened to Darien]'' I know you, and I know you're beating yourself up, but if you're looking for someone to blame, blame me. I should have never let her go to that town. So cut the shit and quit laying this guilt trip on yourself. There's no time for it. Whether you like it or not, you're Noah and that ship is your Ark.

===''Achilles'' [2.5]===
:''[Dr Rachel Scott makes another audio tape entry]''
:'''Dr Rachel Scott''': Hope. Such a rarified concept these days. High in demand... ''[sighs]'' And short in supply. I'm enjoying recording these logs again. Until recently, I had given up on them. With no connection to the outside world, they were serving as little more than just a diary. But now with the satellite network up and running, they have become my trusty carrier pigeons. I am happy to report that the cure has landed safely in labs across the country and in Europe, and I am on my way to you, Dr. Hunter, my friend, my mentor. We'll be stopping first in Savannah to set up a lab there, before heading down to you in Florida with the cure. As promised, I am uploading my data to the secured satellite, and I would love for you to take a look at the work we've done, and get your thoughts on faster methods for replication. Because time, as you well know, is of the essence, and millions still continue to live at risk. So take of yourself, old friend, and I'll be seeing you shortly.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Carlton Burk is visibly taken aback by IDF Lt Ravit Bivas after she and Wolf are introduced to the Vulture team]''
:'''Lt Carlton Burk''': Lieutenant Burk, Carlton.
:'''Lt Ravit Bivas''': Yeah, sounds great.
:'''Burk''': You know, when I was deployed in the Gulf, I spent some time outside Tel Aviv, a town called Gi-Va-Tayim.
:'''Bivas''': ''[Israeli accent]'' Givatayim.
:'''Burk''': Right. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Achilles has destroyed all the labs producing the vaccine, and the Nathan James crew is wondering why]''
:'''Dr Rachel Scott''': I just tested Juan Carlos's blood. It turns out that he's naturally immune.
:'''CDR Thomas Chandler''': None of the mercs on Solace were CBR. Is it possible they're all immune? Everyone's like him?
:'''Scott''': I cross-referenced his blood against Bertrise's. Natural immunity, as it turns out, is a tad more common than I initially thought. Anywhere between 1% and 5% of the global population. That's how they took Europe.
:'''Chandler''': Now their mission is to destroy the cure wherever it exists, on a nuclear-powered sub that never runs out of fuel.
:'''Scott''': Yes, but we had the flash drive. How the hell did they know where those labs were? 

===''A Long Day's Journey'' [2.6]===
:''[Alisha Granderson talks to Dr Scott in the wardroom]''
:'''Lt Alisha Granderson''': It must have transmitted to the satellite right before the attack. 
:'''Dr Rachel Scott''': Have you watched it?
:'''Granderson''': Only long enough to know that it was for you, ma'am. But even from what I saw... It wasn't easy to watch. ''[opens video]''
:'''Dr Julius Hunter''': Rachel, oh, God, I pray this gets to you. Listen, we're... We're under attack, Rachel, but it's important... It's important that you learn this. I've been working with the data you sent me about the cure. And I think I found a way to help. Using what I learned about the measles project... Now, I know you think that's crazy, but it works. I'm sending you the data now. It's here. Look, I don't... Oh, God. Listen, Rachel. It's all worked out. All you have to do is... I just somehow pray that this file gets to you, that you get it off the server, Rachel. ''[gets interrupted]''
:'''MacDowell''': Okay. 
:'''Hunter''': Got to know that... Rachel.
:'''MacDowell''': Come on, now. Take it all. We need to find that server. Okay, doc. No. Stand up.
:'''Hunter''': Please. Please. ''[killed by gunshot]''
:'''CDR Mike Slattery''': Well, that's how they were able to get the locations of all the labs. Stole them from Dr. Hunter.
:'''Scott''': He was working on an experiment to turn my liquid injectable version of the cure into a powder so it could be released over populated areas via helicopters, planes, drones, even. I could manufacture a highly concentrated powder right here on the ship. We wouldn't even need labs anymore. So people could breathe in the cure. It would be very much like crop-dusting. Mass inoculations without glassware, needles, all the infrastructure that we no longer have. 
:'''CDR Thomas Chandler''': Do you think Hunter was actually able to do it?
:'''Scott''': I know that he had some good results aerosolizing the measles vaccine, but I won't know until we get down to his lab in Florida.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dr Rachel Scott has an idea and presents it to Chandler]''
:'''CDR Thomas Chandler''': What's that?
:'''Dr Rachel Scott''': ''[Blows]'' Cornstarch from the chief's mess. It turns out the secret ingredient that I've been looking for was being used to make pancakes.
:'''Chandler''': So you found it?
:'''Scott''':Well, I have the recipe, and now all I need is to build a machine to manufacture the micro powder, so I was hoping that you might be able to lend me one or two of your capable machinists?
:'''Chandler''': I think that can be arranged. 

===''Alone and Unafraid'' [2.7]===
:''[de facto President Jeffrey Michener tries to think of his speech, with Tom Chandler protecting him]''
:'''Jeffrey Michener''': It is our responsibility as immunes to restore this great nation. And just as God chose Noah to survive the flood of the old testament, he has chosen us to survive this plague that washed away the sins of our world.&quot; 
:'''CDR Thomas Chandler''': Yes.
:'''Michener''': Do I sound convincing? Do you believe it?
:'''Chandler''': Why, yes. Of course, but I don't have Sean's charisma.
:'''Michener''': I watched his videos. I've seen the translations into Spanish, Bulgarian. You don't understand the language, but you believe what he's saying.
:'''Chandler''': Bulgaria?
:'''Michener''': He has followers everywhere. I used to do ''[[w:Meet the Press|Meet the Press]]'' every once in a while, but getting in front of crowds like this...

===''Safe Zone'' [2.8]===
:''[Jeffrey Michener has been set up in the Nathan James wardroom and wants some answers]''
:'''CDR Mike Slattery''': Commander Mike Slattery. I'm the Executive Officer of this ship.
:'''Jeffrey Michener''': I want to speak to the Captain.
:'''Slattery''': Well, he's presently indisposed... Wanted us to get acquainted till he gets here.
:'''Michener''': You are aware that kidnapping the President of the United States is a federal offense, punishable by death?
:'''Slattery''': The Captain was under the impression he was rescuing you.
:'''Michener''': At gunpoint, against my will?
:'''Slattery''': Sir, I don't think you realize who the Ramseys are or what their goal is...
:'''Michener''': You don't need to tell me anything.
:'''Slattery''': No, sir, I don't. Unless you want to be fully informed. I'd like to show you something, if I may. This is from August. She was second in succession... President then. These were her orders to us. ''[plays video file of President Geller]''
:'''President Kelly Geller''': Morning, Commander. I know... the last you heard, I was Speaker of the House. The President died two months ago, the Vice-President a week later. What's left of the Federal Government is holed up 200 feet below the White House. Most of our population, along with our armed forces, is dying or dead. We have no allies, we have no enemies... Just a world of sick, desperate people. If Dr. Scott has the makings of a cure, you must come home... now. 
:'''Slattery''': We came home. Found things not quite as hospitable as we'd hoped. No infrastructure... No government, no orders. So we went to the White House, and we were able to get our hands on many of the Presidential files and directives. This is the secretary of the Navy. I understand you... You knew him pretty well. ''[plays clip of SECNAV Ray Mabus]''
:'''Ray Mabus''': The U.S. Navy is currently on a mission to find the materials for a vaccine to combat the pandemic. If you're viewing this video, you are part of the new network of facilities in the United States and certain foreign countries, which were chosen to produce and distribute the vaccine. You'll be able to communicate with the civilian command with each other. Hopefully, you'll then start producing and distributing the vaccine, and we can get to the task of rebuilding our great nation. Godspeed.
:'''Slattery''': We have the cure, sir. Dr. Scott was able to produce it right here on this ship. Guess you wouldn't have any need for it yourself. The rest of the world, the ones who aren't lucky enough to be naturally immune... We got to Norfolk, we found pilots, we sent doses around the country and to Europe, as we were ordered to do. The project to mass-produce the cure was well under way, and then we ran into some problems. This is a recording made by one of our scientists. He was trying to get a message through to Dr. Scott. ''[replays Dr Hunter's entire desperate message to Rachel]'' You might recognize that Irish accent. Those were Sean Ramsey's people. They gained access to our secret network, the location of all our labs, and they blew them up with their long-range missiles. Destroyed our limited infrastructure, murdered our scientists... All because they believe that they are the inheritors of the earth. That's why Captain Chandler rescued you from the Ramseys. I can only assume you knew nothing about this. I mean, if you did... This is a comprehensive look at Dr. Scott's protocols, experiments, and trials. Complete Captain's logs, combat center records, including our attempt at a response to the Ramseys' assault on our labs. It's not easy to listen to, but I think it'll be informative. I'll let the Captain know that you've been briefed. ''[leaves]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Tom Chandler talks to President Michener about what happened to him in the early stages of the pandemic]''
:'''CDR Thomas Chandler''': You blame yourself. You think you could've done something differently. Somehow, all those people would be alive... Your wife, your daughters? What could you have done differently, Jeff?
:'''President Jeffrey Michener''': Nothing. Nothing.
:'''Chandler''': We're going to New Orleans. And you're going to help us defeat whoever it is that twisted you all around, but we are never gonna get there until you face whatever it is you can't let go of.
:'''Michener''': There's nothing... Nothing to let go of! 
:'''Chandler''': It was your son, wasn't it?
:'''Michener''': He was in Michigan. Summer session at the [[University of Michigan|university]].
:'''Chandler''': You had him brought down to Florida.
:'''Michener''': No.
:'''Chandler''': Against CDC protocols!!
:'''Michener''': No.
:'''Chandler''': There was no way to test him, but he seemed okay, and you let him in the stadium.
:'''Michener''': That's not... that's not what happened! 
:'''Chandler''': I have the records from the White House.
:'''Michener''': No, you're wrong!
:'''Chandler''': Two days after you brought him to Florida, there was a massive outbreak in Ann Arbor. 
:'''Michener''': No, please! Please! That's not what happened!
:'''Chandler''': The security details... they were lax! You couldn't have known. He infected everyone in that stadium... it was hot! They were careless with their masks! Your wife, your daughters.
:'''Michener''': Please! No! No!
:'''Chandler''': It was all on you.
:'''Michener''': That's not what happened! Stop it!
:'''Chandler''': You were the one who was supposed to protect everybody.
:'''Michener''': Stop it.
:'''Chandler''': And then you stumbled into the immunes, and they told you that it was all meant to be and that you were chosen and your children were not and that all of this was destiny. And it was easy for you to believe because you needed to believe it...
:'''Michener''': Because it was the only way to go on.
:'''Chandler''': There's another way now. With us.
:'''Michener''': I killed my daughters.
:'''Chandler''': I know.
:'''Michener''': No. No. You don't.
:'''Chandler''': Then tell me. It's just you and me... Nobody else. Tell me.
:'''Michener''': After my son died... And my daughters started getting the symptoms... My wife... She begged me to put them out of their misery b-b-before it became... And I did it. ''[Voice breaking]'' With my own bare hands. I smothered them in their sleep. But Hollie... She woke up. A-and she struggled. And that's the last thing she ever felt was her father betraying her. ''[Sniffles]'' So... What do you say about that?

===''Uneasy Lies in the Head'' [2.9]===
:''[Tom Chandler talks to Jeter about President Michener's mental stability]''
:'''CDR Thomas Chandler''': He's not ready... Not yet, at least.
:'''CMC Russ Jeter''': He's come a long way in a short time, Sir.
:'''Chandler''': And I want you to get him the rest of the way there. Be his guide, his preacher, his father, his friend... Whatever he needs.
:'''Jeter''': Aye, Sir.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ravit Bivas reflects on how Israel was hit by the virus]''
:'''LT Ravit Bivas''': I was stationed in the West Bank for three years, another two in Gaza. Thought I'd seen everything. Then this pandemic broke out. And I thought, you know, maybe now we have this common enemy. We even have this cure that we want to give to people. Maybe, just maybe, we'll stop killing each other. But nothing's changed. It's all the same.

===''Friendly Fire'' [2.10]===
:''[At the ship's ringing of the 12 noon bell, Chandler talks to Dr Scott about her progress in developing a vaccine]''
:'''CDR Thomas Chandler''': I was hoping to get an update on your progress. 
:'''Dr Rachel Scott''': Well, I have a new plan. I was able to isolate the mutation in Niels' lungs that make him so contagious. And I introduced it to my vaccine. I injected myself with it about an hour ago, and then I breathed on an infected mouse, the same way that Niels used to breath on people as a way to kill them. If this works, if the mouse survives, in effect... I'll be able to breathe the cure onto people. And so will anyone else that I give this new shit to, which means that we won't need any more labs, any more infrastructure, or planes. All our problems will be solved. 
:'''Chandler''': Except one. ''[Inhales deeply]'' Did you do it?
:'''Scott''': ''[scoffs]'' Oh, God. Are you ''really'' asking me this?
:'''Chandler''':  That's exactly what I'm asking you.
:'''Scott''': The man who killed five billion people, including your wife and most of your crew's family, is dead. And now his lungs are gonna be used to save the rest of the people on this planet... 
:'''Chandler''': Goddamit, Rachel!
:'''Scott''': Yes, I did it! And I'd do it again in a beat.
:'''Chandler''': I saw you a half-hour before I left the ship. You told me you were on the verge of a breakthrough. 
:'''Scott''': I was!
:'''Chandler''': But you didn't tell me you had to kill Niels to do it.
:'''Scott''': I was hoping to avoid getting blood on your hands.
:'''Chandler''': I already have blood on my hands. You put it there.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Nathan James is hailed just after the New Orleans survivor fleet is destroyed]''
:'''CAPT Thomas Chandler''': This is captain Chandler. 
:'''Sean Ramsey''': Hello, Tommy. Given up on the Secret Service? Hope you enjoyed the fireworks. My boys worked hard on them.
:'''Chandler''': You just sent 10,000 people to their deaths. Stop hiding behind civilians.
:'''Ramsey''': You want to fight?
:'''Chandler''': Come out and fight. Let's go. You against me.
:'''Ramsey''': Oh, it won't just be me, captain. You see, the number of your enemies is about to multiply.

===''Valkyrie'' [2.11]===
:''[The Nathan James receives a strange broadcast amidst distress calls from New Orleans]''
:'''Sean Ramsey''': People of the surrounding area, my name is Sean Ramsey. I'm a lieutenant commander in the British Royal Navy. I came here as an ally of your United States Navy, but that was before I learned the truth. About the secret lab experiments, the release of the deadly virus by your military, and the subsequent government cover-up. By now, many of you will have seen the horrible video captured by witnesses on the scene. The US Navy ship that attacked New Orleans harbor was flying the American flag, but it doesn't represent you good people. That ship is a key part of a larger conspiracy to take over this country, and it won't be stopped until you are dead and a new world order is established. I know it's heartbreaking and Difficult to believe. But soon, you will have more evidence of the US Navy's role in creating the deadly virus. That is why we have created this mobile network to get out the truth... I am here to tell you that you are not alone. We Brits have not forgotten our special relationship with America... And to the captain of the USS Nathan James, who has kidnapped the American president and wreaked havoc on this great nation, hear this. We are coming for you. You cannot hide from justice. No matter where you go, there will be no safe harbor.

===''Cry Havoc'' [2.12]===
:''[Tom Chandler talks to President Michener about the situation they face]''
:'''CDR Thomas Chandler''': Mr. President, as of today, this ship has gone from being one of the safest places on earth to one of the most dangerous. You'll disembark with a team of our most experienced operators, led by the XO, along with the other assets we can't afford to lose. 
:'''US President Jeffrey Michener''': I understand about the cure, about Dr. Scott, and about the children, but I'm the commander-in-chief... 
:'''Chandler''': Which is why you need to be protected at all costs. You saw what happened the last time we faced these guys. There's no real choice here, sir.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kara and Danny have a moment before the away team deploys]''
:'''Lt Danny Green''': Kara. This sub... You've beaten them before. You'll sink it this time. 
:'''Lt Kara Foster''': Don't you dare make me raise this child by myself.
:'''Green''': That will not happen. Okay? 

===''A More Perfect Union'' [2.13]===
:''[President Michener makes a video message]''
:'''US President Jeffrey Michener''': This is President Jeffrey Michener addressing all Americans from the Navy ship the USS Nathan James, which is now entering the heart of this great nation, the Mississippi river. We are survivors of this great plague, just as you are. We have struggled, just as you have, and we still have great hope in the future, just as you do. I know that you've stayed alive this long by isolating yourselves... And your families, that many of you have been living in fear, Fear of the virus, fear of each other... Fear of the unknown. There have been people out there who have taken advantage of that. Despicable rumors and misleading videos have been broadcast from this network, lies designed to manipulate you, to make you believe that this ship and the people on it are your enemy. Nothing could be further from the truth. The men and women on this ship are some of the bravest, noblest that I have ever met, and it is an outrage that their commitment to bring all of us the cure has been undermined by those who thrive on your fear. I can tell you now that we do have the cure for the Red Flu. Attached to this message is video footage where you can see for yourself our doctor attending and curing patients sick with the virus. It is our mission now to spread this cure to as many of you as we can. At noon tomorrow, the 18th, we expect to land at the docks in Vicksburg, where we will remain in port for six hours. On the 20th, we'll arrive in Tennessee. We have made contact with a few brave citizens at the college of Memphis. Our team will meet people there at 9:00 A.M., again, for a period of six hours. We'll end our journey at 10:00 A.M. the following day, the 21st, at the port of St. Louis. It's time to turn the tide and the bloodshed, put the past behind us, and heal this great nation, all of us together. Thank you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dr Scott is heading back to her room, but encounters a strange man]''
:'''Man''': Hi. Are you the lady who made the cure?
:'''Dr Rachel Scott''': Yes. 
:'''Man''': Can I get it?
:'''Dr Scott''': Well, weren't you in the park earlier?
:'''Man''': No. I missed the party.
:'''Dr Scott''': Well, with so many people exposed, it's likely you caught it just walking into the hotel.
:'''Man''': Still, I'd like to get it from you... ''[walks closer]'' For history and all. How close do you have to be?
:'''Dr Scott''': Uh... That's close enough.
:'''Man''': Yeah. I think so. ''Sic semper tyrannis! [pulls out pistol and shoots Scott, then leaves her dead]''
==Season 3==
===''The Scott Effect'' [3.1]===
:''[President Michener addresses the nation]''
:'''US President Jeffrey Michener''': This is President Jeffrey Michener. As usual, I speak to you from the historic Old Courthouse in St. Louis, Missouri. On this, the 154th day of my presidency, I'm happy to announce that our American reconstruction plan continues on pace. In fact, if you're hearing me over an electric radio in the four corner states or seeing me for the first time on television, you already know that the Johnson hydroelectric plant is back online, providing consistent power to much of the Southwest. And from all over the country, we have more reports of Americans joining forces to fix the broken pieces of our nation. Yes, the American spirit is alive and well. Today, many of you will receive your newly printed ration cards to be used for all essential purposes. A reminder... These are not a replacement for U.S. currency. We continue to work with the banks to ensure everyone has access to their money and their property, but until our productivity can keep up with demand, these cards will ensure citizens are granted equal access to available goods. We ask for your continued patience and your help with this implementation. Dr. Rachel Scott's murder came as a shock to us all, but she died knowing that she brought life back to this great nation. And her sacrifice will not be forgotten. This St. Louis radio hub will continue to bring you updates and information, along with your local stations as they come online. Of course, I'll be back tomorrow to speak with you directly. Until then, I thank you for your contributions and your courage. This project will succeed because of you. May God bless you and the United States of America.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Tom Chandler talks to Chinese President Peng about the rollout of vaccines in Asia]''
:'''President Peng Wu''': China is still a great nation.
:'''CAPT Thomas Chandler''': President Michener hoped that you would be our partner in this endeavor. 
:'''Peng''': And we are. But there is only so much we can do. We are under constant attack by warlords, pirates, and our own neighbors. Vietnam continues to confront us on our southern borders. And what does America do to help, Captain? You deliver more cure to my enemies.
:'''Chandler''': I think you got the wrong idea. Nathan James landed in sovereign Vietnamese territory on a humanitarian mission.
:'''Peng''': A humanitarian mission. And yet you deliver the cure using a guided missile destroyer. So tell me, Captain, do I really have the wrong idea?

===''Rising Sun'' [3.2]=== 
:''[President Michener is contacted by President Peng]''
:'''US President Jeffrey Michener''': Do you have some news for us?
:'''Chinese President Peng Wu''': I'm afraid I do. It seems that Captain Chandler's plane had some very serious engine trouble as it tried to take off from our airport. Unfortunately, the plane went down. 
:'''Michener''': Plane went down? Are there any survivors?
:'''Peng''': We are searching the waters now... but we are not hopeful.
:'''Allison Shaw''': We walked right into this.
:'''Michener''': It is certainly suspicious, Mr. President, with what happened in Vietnam.
:'''Peng''': As I have told you, there are many rogue elements operating in the region. We suspected pirates at first, but your pilot radioed in with engine trouble. We are sending the transmission now between your pilot and our air traffic control.
:'''Michener''': Yes. Obviously, we'd very much like to hear that recording.
:'''Peng''': I assure you we will conduct a thorough investigation and keep you fully informed.
:'''Michener''': Well, we appreciate that, President Peng, and we will speak soon. ''[Peng hangs up]''
:'''Shaw''': You're not buying that, are you?
:'''Michener''': I'm not jumping to any conclusions, and neither should anyone in this room. Let's hear that transmission.

===''Shanzhai'' [3.3]=== 
:''[Tom has a conference call with President Michener]''
:'''CAPT Thomas Chandler''': All that said, we have no concrete leads right now to help us find our people.
:'''US President Jeffrey Michener''': But you're certain Peng is behind this. 
:'''Chandler''': He blew up our plane, to be sure But we have reason to believe that pirates from Shanzhai were responsible for the attack in Vietnam. 
:'''Michener''': So... We sortie the ships in Okinawa. Shackleton and Hayward can be in the region in a matter of days.
:'''Chandler''': I appreciate that, sir, but those ships need to be in Japan, investigating the possibility of the virus mutation. And a larger presence here may draw attention, and it could be counterproductive. I need a lower profile.
:'''Michener''': You? You're the Chief of Naval Operations and, for all intents and purposes, the head of our entire military. I need you running our global operations from here.
:'''Chandler''': Sir, the James is without its senior leadership. I can't just leave anybody...
:'''Michener''': I understand your loyalty to your people, Tom.
:'''Chandler''': This isn't just about my people. You sent me here because the region is a tinderbox. I need to stay here now and find out why this happened, what the bigger play is... Not just to save my crew. Though I believe that will be the first step, sir.
:'''Michener''': I want to know where you're going and what you're doing at all times.
:'''Chandler''': Understood, sir.
:'''Michener''': Bring 'em home, then.
:'''Chandler''': I will.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Wolf Taylor and Jesse tinker with her chopper at the Nathan James hangar]''
:'''Jesse''': So, where'd you learn to fly? RAAF?
:'''Wolf Taylor''': [[w:Australian_Antarctic_Territory|Australian Antarctic]].
:'''Jesse''': No, you're lying. 
:'''Taylor''': Rich pricks love their volcanoes.
:'''Sasha Cooper''': Hey. How long till your bird can fly?
:'''Jesse''': Not soon enough. Then I'm out of here and this will all be a bad memory.
:'''Cooper''':You're going?
:'''Jesse''': That's what I said. I'd say we should keep in touch, but that's not your thing.
:'''Cooper''': Jesse. We need you.
:'''Jesse''': I got you here. Now I got to get back to what I do.
:'''Cooper''': Your cover's blown. You'll be the dead the minute you hit Chinese airspace.
:'''Jesse''': So I'll go to Phnom Penh or Mandalay. They need cure. I was headed there next, anyway.
:'''Cooper''': Look, I get it, all right? You're mad at me. But these people are the only ones strong enough to take on Peng and the people who kill your brother. If you want to help the rest of the world, you should be helping them.
:'''Jesse''': This isn't my fight. ''[Dumbstruck, Cooper walks off and Wolf looks at Jesse before dropping his hammer, indicating he's not helping her anymore]''

===''Devil May Care'' [3.4]=== 
:''[Takehaya parades the Nathan James crew he captured in Vietnam]''
:'''Takehaya''': America, I want you to see this. You have inhabited our lands and our seas for far too long. The plague has killed, but you're killed more. We want you out. So, Jeffrey Michener, you will hear my demands. There are two U.S. Navy destroyers at the port in Okinawa. You will order them to turn around and move out of Asian waters. I have already executed one of your sailors. Do not test me. If you do not comply within 36 hours, the executions will continue.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Slattery is curious about the frequent blood transfusions]''
:'''CAPT Mike Slattery''': What's with all the blood, anyway? Cure not good enough for you?
:'''Takehaya''': The American cure is no cure. We were wiped out.
:'''Slattery''': Then you didn't have the real cure.
:'''Takehaya''': ''[shows vial]'' My dose. Made in USA.
:'''Slattery''': Doesn't make any sense.
:'''Takehaya''': The virus would've killed me. But I got lucky. I got shot. A transfusion from a cured person. The next morning, the symptoms were gone. But... it didn't last.
:'''Slattery''': That's why you started hunting fresh blood. Our blood. You went to a lot of trouble to get me and my people. Why us?
:'''Takehaya''': You needed to pay for what you did to my country.
:'''Slattery''': Look. We had... we had reports of possible mutation. What if those reports are right? What you're doing is making things worse. You can't send the ships back to America, you got to send them into Japan. Let them investigate. Our doctors will help. They'll help. I give you my word.
:'''Takehaya''': Your word means nothing.

===''Minefield'' [3.5]=== 
:''[President Michener is trying to keep the peace between the regional government representatives]''
:'''US President Jeffrey Michener''': Gentlemen, Mrs. Price, I'll remind you that we were sitting around this table just five months ago. We put our hands together and we agreed that this was the best arrangement for the country under reconstruction. The presidency, here, in St. Louis with the Chief of Staff and my Secretary of Foreign Affairs chosen from your regions. Senator Beatty with the constitutional authority to ratify certain new laws, and I thank you for that... and an expectation that all of you would try to maintain control over your regions until we sorted out how the boundaries could be drawn or whether or not we needed to elect new governors. Now, we've got congressional elections coming up next month, after which the people, through the voice of the new Congress, can decide whether or not to retain my policies. Until then, I say this... get a handle on your people. If you can't and you really fear rioting, I will not hesitate to use the full force of our armed forces to maintain order in this country. Now, I have a job to do, and so do you. As your president, I advise all of you to get to it. Thank you for coming and have a safe trip back.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Tom Chandler talks to Kara Green]''
:'''CAPT Tom Chandler''': Kara, it's May 27th. I'm recording this message at... 11:22 hours local time, South China sea. You should know Danny will be assigned off the ship, but in case we don't make it out of here... please forward the following message to my children. Mm. Ashley, Sam... I hope to God you never see this. But if you do... I wanted you to know... I wake up every day proud of you. Please never forget that. Be brave. Be kind to each other. Help each other whenever you can. And listen to your grandad once in a while. He's a pain, but the older I get, the smarter he seems to be. I wish I could have been there more. I hope you know that.

===''Dog Day'' [3.6]=== 
:'''Takehaya''': Your friends will die, but you will live, and you'll be tied to me for as long as your heart pumps blood.

===''In the Dark'' [3.7]===
:''[Danny Green writes a letter to Javier Cruz' family]''
:'''LT Danny Green''': Dear Maria, earlier this morning, our team executed a mission to rescue the sailors who were taken from Vietnam. We were successful, but not without losses. Your brother, Javier, was among the three brave sailors who gave their lives in the operation. This was not the first time he put himself in harm's way for his shipmates. And I can honestly say that I'm alive today because of him. Javier was more than a sailor, Maria. He was a hero. He was not alone in his last moments. His last thoughts were of you and his beloved nephews. Javier never gave up and never gave in. And he lives on in the hearts of those of us who were lucky to serve with him. God bless.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Tom Chandler visits a now-captured Takehaya]''
:'''CAPT Tom Chandler''': I want details about what happened after you received the cure. You can keep fighting us, thinking we're monsters, or you can cooperate, help us figure out what went wrong and how to fix it.
:'''Takehaya''': I heard the call over the radio. The Americans are coming with the cure. We rushed to the port, thousands of us. Survivors. The ships arrived. American ships. And we lined up to receive our injections. They told us to spread out, to pass the cure on to the rest of our people. Soon... there was no way to tell who had the cure and who did not.... because everyone died.
:'''Chandler''': But other than the U.S. Navy, who had custody of the cargo once it landed? Could someone have tampered with the doses on the pier?
:'''Takehaya''': No. 
:'''Chandler''': How can you be so sure? We delivered to dozens of countries on this ship. We always worked with the local partners...
:'''Takehaya''': I was a local partner, Captain. My crew was there. We'd made sure everyone received a dose. I was in charge. I was responsible.
:'''Chandler''': That's why you wanted those ships out of Okinawa. That's why you wanted to punish the people that brought you the cure. But why work with Peng?
:'''Takehaya''': I did not work with Peng.
:'''Chandler''': Oh, come on. The coincidence is too great. You kidnapped my men in Haiphong at precisely the same moment Peng blows up my plane in Hong Kong?
:'''Takehaya''': I do not call that coincidence, Captain. I call that luck.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[President Michener is forced to come on TV after reports of his gaffe early in the pandemic come to light]''
:'''US President Jeffrey Michener''': My fellow Americans, by now, many of you heard about the reports from Florida and my time spent there. I wanted to take a moment to tell you the truth directly from me. I did not know that my son, Brian, was the carrier of the Red Flu at the time. I did bring him down to Florida from an area that I knew could be infected. As a father, I acted out of desperation. But as a public servant, I was derelict in my duties. Now, as your President, I humbly offer my sincerest apology.
:'''Jacob Barnes''': Contrition from the President. Since the release of that statement an hour ago, St. Louis White House remains on virtual lockdown, with no comments from his aides and no further information to support the President's statement. At this time of uncertainty, I will continue to pursue this story wherever it leads. Jacob Barnes, AMT News.

===''Sea Change'' [3.8]===
:''[The Nathan James crew examines a jury-rigged missile they caught during an operation, noting that it carries an aerosol-based substance designed to resist the Red Flu vaccine ]''
:'''CAPT Mike Slattery''': That's what Peng's hoarding. He could fire those missiles over uncured populations, so when the cure finally does arrive... It doesn't work. 
:'''Sasha Cooper''': That boat was headed to Taiwan on a run. Jesse saw the missile near Vietnam.
:'''Takehaya''': And my wife saw the mist in Japan. By the time we got to the ports to receive the cure, it was already too late.

===''Paradise'' [3.9]===
:''[Captain Chandler briefs President Oliver about the aerosol bioweapon developed by the Chinese at Paraiso Island]''
:'''President Howard Oliver''': And how certain are you of this intelligence?
:'''CAPT Tom Chandler''': Fairly certain. Peng is too smart to do this out in the open. He'd build and transport these weapons out of sight to conceal his involvement.
:'''Oliver''': And what do you need from me?
:'''Chandler''': Sir, ''Shackleton'' and ''Hayward'' have been running in circles since this whole thing began. I'd like them to join us. We're gonna need them to take on Peng and what's left of his navy.
:'''Oliver''': My understanding is that President Michener once offered you those ships and you turned him down, choosing to run this operation solo.
:'''Chandler''': Yes, sir.
:'''Oliver''': And since then, you've left a lot of bodies in your wake, many of them American sailors. Captain, we don't know each other well, but you need to know that if my first act in office is to declare war on China, I'd like to base it on something more than the testimony of smugglers and pirates.
:'''Chandler''': Of course, sir.
:'''Oliver''': Go to this Paraiso island, find the source of these missiles, tie it to Peng, and I'll do everything in my power to help you finish him off. Consider those two ships under your command. 
:'''Chandler''': Thank you, sir.
:'''Oliver''': Good luck.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Secretary of Foreign Affairs Alex Rivera talks to Kara Green]''
:'''SFA Alex Rivera''': Kara, glad I caught you.
:'''Lt Kara Foster-Green''': Secretary Rivera. What brings you to my office? 
:'''Rivera''': I'm worried, Kara.
:'''Green''': About what, sir?
:'''Rivera''': About you, about whose team you're on.
:'''Green''': Sir, I am just as committed to the recovery of the United States as I was when I first landed in St. Louis with Captain Chandler.
:'''Rivera''': Ah, yes. The great Captain Chandler. The legend, the man that we devoted enormous amounts of time and resources to get out of trouble.
:'''Green''': I understand your concern, sir, but now that Captain Chandler has uncovered a genocide in Asia...
:'''Rivera''': A-Alleged genocide. Kara, you have to remember, we're living in a post-apocalypse. Facts and truths are just as much the victim of this plague as everything else. Right now, the best thing we can do is focus on the American people.
:'''Green''': I'm not sure exactly what you're suggesting. Can you be more specific?
:'''Rivera''': What I'm suggesting, Kara, is that while everyone is looking eastward, our country is collapsing beneath our feet. And when the chips fall, it's important you know who your friends are. Is that clear enough?
:'''Green''': Yes, sir.
:'''Rivera''': I'm glad.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After the White House learns of the Chinese destroying the USS Shackleton and damaging the USS Hayward as they were reinforcing the Nathan James, Allison Shaw gets a little bit forceful on President Howard Oliver]''
:'''White House chief of staff Allison Shaw''': Mr. President, through no fault of your own, you've stepped through the looking glass into the birth of a new America. The pandemic, the millions of deaths, the complete collapse of law and order demands a revolution of governance.
:'''President Howard Oliver''': Revolution? You mean coup d'etat. Who are you working with? Castillo?
:'''Shaw''': Castillo, Price, Wilson, Croft. America can no longer be governed by a central power, not now. Each region must look after itself.
:'''Oliver''': Sons of bitches. I knew it.
:'''Shaw''': Relax, Howard. This is a good thing. You knew that Michener was moving too fast, that America wasn't healthy enough to go back to the way things were. There are no states. There are no cities. There are only tribes scrambling out of the mud over the bodies of 300 million dead Americans. Face it, Howard... Democracy is a luxury that we can no longer afford.
:'''Oliver''': This is crazy. I mean, what the hell are you talking about?
:'''Shaw''': By now, Senator Beatty and Secretary Rivera are dead. If you try to contact any of your allies in the city, the consequences will be swift... As swift as they were for Jeffrey Michener.
:'''Oliver''': You're insane. That's it. Y-You've gone completely insane.
:'''Shaw''': Do you understand me, Howard? Your family, your friends... None of them will be safe if you do not play ball. Take a minute and think about it before you make any decisions you'll later regret. Everybody likes you, Howard. It's a big table, and there's a place for you at it as long as you go with the program. Have I made myself completely clear? This office is your home now. I'll see you in the morning. We've got a lot of work to do.

===''Scuttle'' [3.10]===
:''[Kara Green and Jacob Barnes pore over a batch of data purloined from the White House, one of which is a map defining the US as regional territories with a splotch of red dots they think are storage facilities for basic necessities]''
:'''Lt Kara Foster-Green''': Maybe that's what the dots are.
:'''Jacob Barnes''': No. The dots are prisons. Check them out. 
:'''Green''': Benton, Arkansas.
:'''Barnes''': Yep.
:'''Green''': Bismarck, North Dakota. Big Spring, Texas.
:'''Barnes''': Yep and yep. 46 prisons for a population our size? All maximum security. And they're spread out evenly in the territories. 
:'''Green''': There's controlling the troops, hoarding the food, and expecting people to resist.
:'''Barnes''': Beatty must've been getting cold feet. That's why he didn't go to the funeral. 
:'''Green''': That's why he was trying to get to Rivera.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Captain Joseph Meylan convenes a court-martial for Captain Chandler in the wake of an arrest warrant signed by President Oliver under duress]''
:'''CAPT Joseph Meylan''': Captain Chandler... Before we begin, you're entitled to make an opening statement.
:'''CAPT Thomas Chandler''': I've spent half my life in the Navy. Like you, I did everything right. Worked my way through the pipeline just to get my chance to lead. Nathan James was my first command. Suddenly... I was thrust into a situation that no one can prepare you for. The world was turned upside-down, and all the rules were thrown out. But... the Navy taught me many things. Most importantly, it taught me to adapt. I had to make some difficult decisions. God knows I made some mistakes. But never once did I waver from what I knew to be right... The core values that run through all of our veins. Honor... courage... commitment. And I served my sailors as they served me and as we all serve this great country of ours. I didn't ask for this. I could've taken this uniform off at any time. But I always believed in the work that we were doing as a team, and the decisions that I was making as a captain. And though my tactics changed to address an insane world... my resolve and my dedication to the Navy never faltered. I stand by my record
:''[Slattery and his men enter the room with weapons drawn]''
:'''Meylan''': What the hell is this? ''[sees that the men are all from the Nathan James]'' I see. This was never about your guilt or innocence.
:'''Chandler''': You forced our hand here, Captain. There was a moment today... where I actually had my doubts. Thank you for removing those for me. When the chips fall, if I'm proven wrong, I'll face justice from a higher power than you. Cooper, Green, please remove the officers and sequester them in Helo Bay 2.
:'''Lt Danny Green''': Gladly. 
:'''Chandler''': Captain, I need you to set a new course for Japan.
:'''CAPT Mike Slattery''': Yes, sir.

===''Legacy'' [3.11]===
:''[The Nathan James crew has successfully killed Peng and his men at the Japanese National Archives]''
:'''CAPT Tom Chandler''': Peng's only destroyer now belongs to me. You should know Cobra Team found a payload of anti-cure missile on board. According to the crew, that's the last of it.
:'''Takehaya''': So... it is done. The rest of Asia won't suffer as we did. 
:'''Chandler''': Let's get you home. 
:'''Takehaya''': I am home, Captain Chandler.  I want to remain here... ''[Exhales deeply]'' On Japanese soil.
:'''Chandler''': Takehaya. 
:'''Takehaya''': Kaito. My name is Kaito. Like my son.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[With President Howard Oliver rescued by Kara Green, Jacob Barnes, and Tex Nolan just as he was about to announce the decentralization of the US, Allison Shaw suddenly takes the stage further pinning President Michener's death and other events on the Nathan James]''
:'''White House chief of staff Allison Shaw''': ... We are strong people, and we have survived worse than this. And those who still love life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness have come together and formulated a plan to move forward. So in the absence of any working federal government, and deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, your regional leaders, Price, Castillo, Wilson, and Croft hereby call for the immediate suspension of the government of the United States. Each region will be able to govern itself and focus on reconstruction until such time as a central authority can be safely reestablished.
:'''CAPT Thomas Chandler''': Yeah. In other words, never.
:'''Shaw''': By the time you hear these words, control of the Armed Forces will have been split among the regional leaders, and I would like to assure you that the military turnover has been peaceful, thanks to an unprecedented collaboration between the nation's highest-ranking generals and your four regional leaders. All enlisted men and women are to report to regional military offices immediately to become part of one of four localized armies under the command...
:'''LT Alisha Granderson''': Captain, I can't get the generals on the line... Any of them. I tried to raise an entire Naval base. It's a coup, Captain.
:'''Shaw''': Thank you and God bless.
:'''Chandler''': Those men are already dead.
:'''CDR Andrea Garnett''': If there's no military, what's that mean for us?
:'''Chandler''': It means we're all alone.
:'''CAPT Mike Slattery''': We lost our country, Tom.
:'''Chandler''': Not yet. Captain, set a course for Naval Base San Diego, all ahead full. Take us home.

===''Resistance'' [3.12]===
:''[Regional leader Manuel Castillo has been captured and brought to the Nathan James]''
:'''Manuel Castillo''': Tom Chandler. Saved America from the virus, and they loved you for it. Then they got hungry. They miss things like heat, clean water, and Wi-Fi. They don't have any time for heroes now. So do your victory dance, and when the filthy masses turn against you, give me a call. I'll show you how to keep them in line.
:'''CAPT Thomas Chandler''': But I will never cooperate. Here's the deal, Manuel... From here on out, you no longer get to decide what you will and will not do. See, you had the chance to kill me, again, and you blew it... again. So you will cooperate.
:'''Castillo''': And why is that?
:'''Chandler''': Your army turned on you without hardly a shot fired. Once your partners find out you lost control of your region and Beatty's... They will cut you out like the cancer you are. And let's not underestimate the &quot;filthy masses.&quot; Once they hear what you're really about, you'll need more than an army to keep them in line. But we can always drop you back off at the depot, see for ourselves.

===''Don't Look Back'' [3.12]===
:''[Tex Nolan has convinced Tom Chandler not to kill Allison Shaw, but falls from a side wound]''
:'''Tex Nolan''': You're a good man. ''[dies]''
:'''Allison Shaw''': Go ahead. Take me away. It won't matter. Somebody else will take my place, somebody who sees the world for what it is and seizes the opportunity. The people are too wounded and scared to think for themselves. Today they follow you, but tomorrow, they will find another golden calf to worship. That much I've learned. Are you so naive? Captain, ‭you didn't save the world. You unleashed the worst in human nature. You really want to save the people, you need to terrorize them. You need to take them by the neck and shake them. You need to be more terrible so that they don't have to be, and deep down inside, you know it's true. The America you believe in is gone!
:''[Chandler takes a moment before he finally shoots Shaw dead]'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Chandler reflects as he prepares to leave the Nathan James]''
:'''CAPT Thomas Chandler''': I speak to you today a humbled man. I've made mistakes. I was silent when I should have spoken out. I ran when I should have stood and fought. But in adversity, we find strength and courage. The great Naval Captain Nimitz once said &quot;God grant me the courage not to give up what I think is right, even though I think it hopeless.&quot; Stand with me. Fight with me. Because together, we can move forward. Together, we can be strong again.

==Season 4==
===''In Medias Res'' [4.1]===
:''[The Nathan James secures provisions at [[w:Naval_Station_Rota|Navy Station Rota]], and as the crew transfer foodstuffs]''
:'''Gas Turbine System Technician First Class Michael O'Connor''': ''[holds apple]'' So this could be one of the world's last apples?
:'''Chief Culinary Specialist Bernie &quot;Bacon&quot; Cowley''': Nah, virus hasn't hit apples yet.
:'''O'Connor''': Yet?
:'''Cowley''': Six months ago, we said the same thing about corn. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Cali sits with Chandler as he prepares to go after her father, Alex, dies when Giorgio Vellek destroys their fishing boat]''
:'''Cali''': You are leaving. I can see it in your eyes.
:'''CAPT Tom Chandler''': Alex told me that I couldn't run from destiny. I left home because I was confused... between justice and revenge. 
:'''Cali''': And now?
:'''Chandler''': I want both.

===''The Pillars of Hercules'' [4.2]===
:''[Tom Chandler, as Nobody, receives a glass of wine after defeating Moose]''
:'''CAPT Tom Chandler''': Thank you very much. ''[sips]'' First-growth Bordeaux.
:'''Lucia Vellek''': You have nice taste in wine, for a fisherman.
:'''Chandler''': Just reading the label.
:'''Vellek''': You shouldn't let it go to waste. Could be the last growth.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Danny calls up the Nathan James as they are trapped by Bin Dalik's men trying to disable a mobile missile launcher on the cliffside at Gibraltar]''
:'''Sasha Cooper''': We can't wait!
:'''Lt Danny Green''': Weapon now armed and locked! Requesting danger close fire mission! One five inch round. I authenticate... Whiskey Lima Tango Niner Zero. Danger close. Confirm!
:'''LT Kara Foster-Green''': ''[Sighs]'' We copy, Vulture. Set one five-inch round. Over. Batteries release. Kill target with guns.
:''[The Nathan James fires one round. Danny, Wolf and Sasha jump off the cliff before the shell hits the launcher]''

===''Bread and Circuses'' [4.3]===
:''[a man wraps up Chandler's hands]''
:'''Man''': ''[in Italians]'' Next, hands. Give me your hands.
:'''CAPT Tom Chandler''': I'm good.
:'''Man''': Oh, you speak English, huh? Give me your hands. I'm gonna wrap 'em. You seem pretty calm for a guy facing death.
:'''Chandler''': I've faced worse.
:'''Man''': Oh, a warrior, huh? Yeah. Well, I've had my fill of warriors.
:'''Chandler''': You picked a funny profession.
:'''Man''': What, this? Oh, this is just a side gig, man. Here, they call me ''Il Dottore.''
:'''Chandler''': You're a doctor?
:'''Man''':  Philosophy. Everybody needs a philosopher, right? Especially now, this End of Days shit.
:'''Chandler''': And you just hand out wisdom?
:'''Man''': Indeed, I do. And here's your dose for today, man. Every single civilization since man walked out of a cave... Greece, Rome, Vikings, Asia, Aztecs, Africa... It's been ravaged and then decimated and devoured by the same set of fangs, and it ain't famine or plague or even war, in all of its lame excuse. It's the urge, man. The urge. Always dormant in our primordial brains, waiting like an arched leopard to pounce and butcher whatever the hell it smells for its own gratification. Did you know the leopard and the house cat are the only two animals besides man who kill for sport?   For sport, man. Just for the buzz of bloodletting. Violence is an urge, brother. It's our urge. And if it were up to me, I'd cry havoc, slip the dogs of war back on the leash. Get 'em back protecting the sheep. Know what I'm saying? 
:'''Chandler''': Then who's the shepherd?
:'''Man''': So you're a philosopher, too. ''[takes hand wraps and puts on some powder]'' Little herbal concoction. Get a little of this in the other guy's eyes... Poof, fight's over. If you gotta go to war, make it quick. ''[Snaps fingers] Bocca lupo.'' You know what that means?  ♪
:'''Chandler''': Into the wolf's mouth.
:'''Man''': Right on. Good luck.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Cobra and Vulture teams are on the ground in Sardinia... and chance upon Tom Chandler at a local fight club]''
:'''Announcer''': ''[in Italian]'' Who is brave enough to fight Hercules?
:'''Man''': ''[obviously drunk]'' I'll fight him. ''[stumbles trying to get past the ropes and everybody laughs at him]'' 
:'''Announcer''': ''[in Italian]'' Get out of here.
:'''Man''': I'll tear him into pieces! Let's go. Giorgio... ''[Giorgio Vellek throws bottle at his feet. It shatters and everybody laughs at the man being startled]''
:'''Distant voice''': ''[in English]'' I'll fight him! ''[Mike Slattery appears]''
:'''Announcer''': ''[in Italian]'' Damn, what a big companion! People, our champion certainly has his work cut out for him today! ''[rings the bell]''
:'''Crowd''': Hercules! Hercules!
:'''CAPT Mike Slattery''': Hercules? New call sign?
:'''CAPT Tom Chandler''': You like it? ''[Chuckles]'' Come on now. Make it look good. ''[the men parry but Slattery gets one good hit]'' I probably deserved that. ''[the men lock up; whispers]'' Let me guess... You're here for seeds. 
:'''Slattery''': How'd you know that?  
:'''Chandler''': They're in the basement.
:'''Slattery''': You're on the inside in this?
:'''Chandler''': Buyer's in the VIP box.
:'''Slattery''': Good thing I brought the whole gang.

===''Nostos'' [4.4]===
:''[The man who wrapped Tom Chandler's hands is livid at Lucia and Giorgio]''
:'''il Dottore''': You two are the butt of the biggest con since Ulysses jumped out of a wooden horse. Tom Chandler, on my yacht, in my house. And you two let it happen. I was that close to that guy. I was that close. He could've recognized me.
:'''Giorgio Vellek''': I didn't know it was Tom Chandler. I-I thought he was just a fisherman.
:'''il Dottore''': What did you say? What did you say to me? Hmm? What did you say to me?
:'''Giorgio Vellek''': I thought he was just a fisherman.
:'''il Dottore''': A fisherman. You thought. God, Giorgio, we are in the midst of a tectonic shift of a paradigm of human behavior. Now is not the time for you to think!

===''Allegiance'' [4.5]===
:''[Mike Slattery visits Chandler at the captain's private quarters]''
:'''CAPT Mike Slattery''': Captain, a word? ''[closes door]'' Since you seem so keen on joining our fight... Every active ship in the fleet has a copy of these orders. This is a full Presidential pardon for any crimes you may have committed during the recent Constitutional crisis. This reactivates your commission, reinstituting you to the active duty rank of Captain. All that's required now is your signature. And you taking the oath again.
:'''CAPT Tom Chandler''': I left this ship for a reason.
:'''Slattery''': And yet somehow, here you are. This ship will always be your home as far as I'm concerned. But I won't lie to you... Master Chief has reported some mixed emotions from the crew at having you back. So for clarity and morale, you need to decide one way or the other, and soon.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[One of the refugees rescued from a fishing trawler - actually a Royal Navy officer - approaches Fletcher]'''
:'''CAPT Harry Sinclair''': Hello, Fletch.
:'''CDR James Fletcher''': Hello, Harry.
:'''Sinclair''': El Alamein. Very subtle. Figured it would ring a bell.
:'''Fletcher''': &quot;My grandpapa fought back the Jerries in Egypt.&quot; You wouldn't shut up about it. We started to believe you personally stood in front of Rommel's tank.
:'''Sinclair''': What do you want, Harry?
:'''Fletcher''': I have a message from the River House.
:'''Sinclair''': Could've telephoned.
:'''Fletcher''': Couldn't take the risk our cousins would decrypt it.
:'''Sinclair''': Yeah. Sure. Okay.So?
:'''Fletcher''': The [[w:Special Relationship|special relationship]] with the Americans is no more. The labs in the US are not prepared to work with the progenitor seed. The UK is going it alone.
:'''Sinclair''': How? Our labs are worse than theirs.
:'''Fletcher''': We found a scientist. Home office says he has a lock on the science.
:'''Sinclair''': Let me guess. This scientist... His name wouldn't happen to be Vellek?
:'''Fletcher''': He reached out, made us an offer. We deliver the progenitor palm seeds, and England receives the first batch of plague-resistant crops. Our people will be fed. No waiting around like we did for the cure. Where are the seeds?
:'''Sinclair''': In the medical bay, under lock and... 
:'''Fletcher''': Under lock and key. 
:'''Sinclair''': Well, obviously I won't be able to get anywhere near them, filthy refugee that I am. ''[chuckles]'' You're gonna have to do it.
:'''Fletcher''': Me?
:'''Sinclair''':  And find me a discreet way off this ship.
:'''Fletcher''': What do you mean, off the ship? You're just gonna swim away? We're due in Naples. There's a plane.
:'''Sinclair''': That's not happening, James. I leave with the seeds before the ship gets to Naples.
:'''Fletcher''': And what? I stay behind to face a firing squad?
:'''Sinclair''': No one will know your part. You'll remain on board to throw them off the scent. Can't have the Americans starting a war with England over this.
:'''Fletcher''': This is ridiculous.
:'''Sinclair''': Fletch...
:'''Fletcher''': I've been working with the Americans for months.
:'''Sinclair''': Listen to me, it's quite simple. Their people have fought and died for these seeds. And where were they during the Immune Wars, hmm? While they were spreading the cure with kisses and love, we were massacred. We're dying at home, Fletch. I'm sorry about your new friends, but this is a good deal. It's a dog-eat-dog world now. Have you eaten dog yet, Fletch? I have. It's no fun.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Master Chief Jeter comes to Chandler after he is called out by Captain Meylan for trying to advise on how to get the seeds to the US when he's not even an officer again]''
:'''CMC Russ Jeter''': Captain Meylan's under a lot of pressure.
:'''CAPT Tom Chandler''': He was right. I crossed the line.
:'''Jeter''': I didn't say he wasn't right. This isn't you. Walking around the ship like you're on a Tiger cruise. Since when did you become a passive observer?
:'''Chandler''': Master Chief...
:'''Jeter''': Don't Master Chief me, Goddamn it. You wanted to get away. Good. It's what you did. God knows you of all people needed a break. But for months, the rest of us pressed on. The missions changed, but our commitment never wavered. And although you were always in our minds, when you left, we were broken.
:'''Chandler''': I lost my way, Russ.
:'''Jeter''': You never lost your way. You may have turned your back on your calling, but your path was always right in front of you. It led you back to the ''Nathan James''. This is where you belong.

===''Tempest'' [4.6]===
:''[The man Chandler heard as il Dottore - Paul Vellek - confers with Greek admiral Demetrius on chasing the Nathan James]''
:'''Dr Paul Vellek''': I'll explain it one more time. Look, Admiral, it is right there. It is right there in that blank box.
:'''ADM Demetrius''': What exactly am I supposed to be seeing there? It's as clear as a bell.
:'''Vellek''': It's the answer, the key, the eye of the hurricane. The proverbial missing link to my formula to save this planet lies within those seeds. Without those seeds, I have no product. Without the product, your country continues to starve. And that is exactly, Admiral, what you should be seeing in that blank box.
:'''Demetrius''': Doctor, I am a simple man. I don't have your gift with figures, but my patience can only last so long. You asked for our support. Greece gives you her confidence. You asked for fighters, we give you a warship. What, Dr. Vellek? What do you ask of my country now?
:'''Vellek''': More, Demetrius. I'm asking your country for more.

===''Feast'' [4.7]===
:''[at a lab]''
:'''Christos Vellek''': Well?
:'''Dr. Paul Vellek''': You see? I told you. ''[puts arm over Christos' shoulder]'' We did it.
:'''Christos''': Tell us, Papa.
:'''Paul''': The virus weathered two ice ages. It didn't just jump species, it jumped kingdoms, and it unleashed the most massive twin pandemic the world has ever known. Yet this seed, this small palm, ''Elaeis Virilis'', survived all of it. I'm now going to take a bit of the genius of Mother Nature, I am going to mix it with my own, and I'm going to save this planet in an act of such benevolence that people will question why they ever believed in any other God.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''ADM Demetrius''': Something's wrong with me. I can feel it.
:'''Dr Paul Vellek''': Can you now? Well, I've switched off a single primal compulsion in you, Demetrius. An ugly one. I've freed you, man.
:'''Demetrius''': I must go home to my people, Doctor. They need me.
:'''Vellek''': No, no, no, no, no, no, Admiral. You're staying with me now. You, sir, are proof of concept. The inaugural man... ''homo Pacificus''. And judging by the result, I'd say we're onto something. Stand up. Stand up. Take off your medals. You're no longer in charge. Take 'em off. Take 'em off. ''[Demetrius strips uniform and medals]'' Stavros will be taking your rank, your title, and your nation. It all belongs to him now and to me. As Dante, an Italian, said about Aristotle, a Greek, I am ''Il maestro dicolor che sanno.'' &quot;The master... of all who know.&quot; What do you think about that, Demetrius?
:'''Demetrius''': I... I...
:'''Vellek''': Down, Demetrius. Sit down. Finish your food.

===''Lazaretto'' [4.8]===
:''[Chandler debriefs Vulture team after they escape the Velleks' training base]''
:'''CAPT Tom Chandler''': So Vellek isn't just injecting the fighters with Nostos, he's baking it right into their food.
:''LT Danny Green'': It appears so, sir.
:'''CAPT Mike Slattery''': So that's why he wanted the seeds. He cures the Red Rust, mixes in the Nostos to create food that'll pacify his enemies.
:'''Chandler''': It's the perfect weapon. People eating it won't even know.
:'''Slattery''': Well, even if they did, what choice would they have? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Fletcher suddenly makes a distress call to the Nathan James]''
:'''CDR James Fletcher''': I say again, Nathan James, this is Commander James Fletcher. You were right. A biological weapon, something to do with behavior control. I'm not sure exactly how he's planning on using it, but we're in a warship headed to Malta. I say again, we're headed to Malta. You must stop him. You're the only ones who can. I know this doesn't make things right. You must believe me, I only did this to serve my country. Sasha, I'm so sorry I hurt you. I hope even if you don't forgive me, that you'll understand. I never meant to hurt - ''[signal is cut]'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Christos is at the lab with Dr Vellek]''
:'''Christos Vellek''': Hey, Dad. 
:'''Dr. Paul Vellek''': Christos, I was worried about you.
:'''Christos''': What are you worried about? Nostos blended seamlessly with the Red Rust cure. No need for injections. One plant contains it all.
:'''Paul''': Huh.
:'''Christos''': You really did it.
:'''Paul''': I did it, didn't I?
:'''Christos''': It's gonna be a bumper crop.
:'''Paul''': The secret was in just one base pair on the fourth DNA strand of ''Elaeis virilis [holds container]'', our beautiful palm seed. Come and look at it. It's magnificent. Come on, come on. ''[ushers Christos to microscope]'' Okay, it's just one...one switch, A to G.
:'''Christos''': Whoa.
:'''Paul''': No, look, look, look, look. It's one switch, A to G, on that one base pair. That's it. That's it. Nothing more complicated than that. But I-I-I-I'm making it so complicated.
:''[Giorgio Vellek enters the lab and looks at his father, revealing that he is just talking to himself; Christos only exists in his head]''
:'''Paul''': I mean, I can't believe I'm making it so complicated. It's like a schoolboy could have figured this out. And yet it got by me. It got by you. It's magnificent. ''Semplice. [in Italian as he embraces Christos]'' You are the most magnificent son. ''[English as Giorgio walks off]''  Love you. Love you, love you, love you, love you more than olives, and I really love olives. Let me look. God. It's magnificent, huh?

==Season 5==
===''Casus Belli'' [5.1]===
:''[Admiral Chandler lectures in the US Naval Academy about the Peloponnesian War]''
:'''ADM Thomas Chandler''': This is how war begins. Athens and Sparta fought during a plague which wiped out much of the population. - Sound familiar? But the war brought only more death and destruction because people let their fear, their honor, their interest cloud their judgment. The Peloponnesian War may be ancient history, but its lessons are not. You here will be the first graduating class of midshipmen to enter the Navy since our own troubles ended just three years ago. We're in a time of peace, but peace doesn't keep itself. Ours is a small navy, which means... your importance to the mission is even larger. And you will take the lessons from history, both ancient and very recent, with you as you enter service. When you put on the uniform, you can't let your fear or your pride or your selfish interest lead you astray, or people die. We have to think differently because we are different. We are warriors.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Tavo Barros makes a speech in the wake of the Fleet Week sneak attack]''
:'''President Gustavo &quot;Tavo&quot; Barros''': I will now speak directly to our enemies in a language they can understand. Americans, you are on notice. The people of Central and South America are united! We will no longer cower in fear of your big stick. For you do not offer us protection, but enslavement. Today marks the beginning of a new equilibrium. Gran Colombia will no longer sit at the children's table of international politics. It is our turn! Be warned. If the United States wants a fight, you will lose. For in the words of [[Simón Bolívar]], a people who love their freedom will, in the end, be free. And we are united... as a continent... to fight for that freedom. We are one nation under God! ''La Gran Colombia! Al Norte!''

===''Fog of War'' [5.2]===
:''[Commander Green address the Nathan James crew]''
:'''CDR Kara Foster-Green''': Many of you here are new to the Navy... new to this ship. Some of you, we've been here before. Either way, what happened in Mayport is not something you ever get used to. It hurts. And it was meant to hurt. That's what our enemy wanted to do. And today, he succeeded. It caught us off guard, sent a powerful message, trying to shake our resolve. But a war isn't lost because we're hurt. For over three years, the United States Navy has built, sustained, and protected its war-fighting culture. This attack doesn't change that. In fact, it will once again bring out the best in us. Our enemies have underestimated us. And if you doubt that, look back at the past few years. Look at the people who've been on this ship. When trouble arises, we have proven time and time again, no matter the enemy, no matter the odds, one ship can do it. This ship can do it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Admiral Chandler summons to US SOUTHCOM a USNA midshipman who submitted a term paper to him about a future cyberattack]''
:'''Midshipman Clayton Swain''': Admiral Chandler?
:'''ADM Thomas Chandler''': Mr. Swain, before the planes came, the US was the victim of a cyberattack. It killed our satellites, shut down our anti-access and area denial systems, and destroyed weapons control on all our networked assets... ships, tanks, planes, helos, Aegis, and missile silos. 
:'''Swain''': Whoa. 
:'''Chandler''': Your theory was correct. Grab your things and come with me. You're gonna be here awhile. Do you need to call anyone?
:'''Swain''': I forgot to ask. 
:'''Chandler''': Are you married? Do you live with your folks?
:'''Swain''': No, sir. I'm not married, and, uh, my parents died in the plague.
:'''Chandler''': Right.
:'''Swain''': You wrote that U.S. military installations were extremely vulnerable to cyberattacks.
:'''Chandler''': That was my conclusion, sir. It had to do with the number of nodes and the redundancies...
:'''Swain''':  I need you to find the virus, where it came from, and how to get rid of it. You'll be working with Commander Granderson. Good luck, Mr. Swain.
:'''Chandler''': Oh. Raise your right hand. POTUS usually does this, but he's not here, so... Do you solemnly swear to support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice. So help me God.”
:'''Swain''': I do. 
:'''Chandler''': Congratulations, ''Ensign'' Swain. You are now a member of the United States Navy. Get to work.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[US SOUTHCOM and Admiral Chandler is informed of a call from the Nathan James broadcast in the clear]''
:'''ADM Thomas Chandler''': This isn't a secure channel, Mike. 
:'''ADM Mike Slattery''': Yeah, I know. I finally got around to reading your favorite book. You got your copy handy?
:'''Chandler''': Hold on. Ensign Swain, do you have your copy of &quot;Moby-Dick&quot;? 
:'''ENS Clayton Swain''': Yes, sir. 
:'''Chandler''': We've got it.
:'''Slattery''': Turn to page 366, nine paragraphs down. Last words.
:'''Chandler''': Working on it.
:'''Slattery''': This is how we're gonna have to communicate for the time being.
:'''Chandler''': Understood. Smart play, Mike. Well? What's the message?
:'''Swain''': &quot;Fit for a fight.&quot;
:'''Chandler''': We've got it.
:'''Slattery''': Tom, is the message clear?
:'''Chandler''': Yes, it is. We read you loud and clear.
:'''Slattery''': We'll be in touch.

===''El Puente'' [5.3]===
:''[A spitball incident in the Nathan James mess hall between the Cuban and Mexican envoys gets too personal and the crew tries hard to separate them]''
:'''ADM Mike Slattery''': Now, you listen to me. You and your men are gonna cut this shit out, you're gonna bury the hatchet. you're gonna make a deal, or I promise you, you will be swimming home. Escort them to the wardroom. Move! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Nathan James successfully fights off a Gran Colombian airstrike]''
:'''ADM Thomas Chandler''': This is Nathan James, calling Gustavo Barros. We just took out your airwing, and you didn't lay a glove on us. And you can mark that up along with your Corvette. Payback for Mayport. You may have hit us hard, but you didn't finish us. You know why? Because you can't. And now Mexico and Cuba have joined the fight. So this message goes out to all of Central and South America. There is a choice now. Join us. Send Gustavo back into the dirt hole he crawled out of. We fight for peace. But make no mistake... we will fight. And this ship and this crew? They're damn good at it. So, Gustavo... come at us again. I dare you. This is Nathan James. Out. ''[to bridge crew]'' Now, they know who we are, where we are. Let's be ready for what they throw at us. 
:'''Bridge crew''': Aye, sir.
:'''Chandler''' Nobody's talking about going home now. It's a good day.

===''Tropic of Cancer'' [5.4]===
:''[Alisha Granderson has figured out that the Fleet Week cyberattack was attributed to Kelsi visiting her in the office two days before - and confronts her at home]''
:'''CDR Alisha Granderson''': I didn't want to believe it. All those questions. &quot;Is Nathan James okay?&quot; &quot;Is Tom Chandler alive?&quot; &quot;Tell me, tell, me, tell me.&quot; You used me as a weapon. How long?
:'''Kelsi Baker''': Since before we met.
:'''Granderson''': Why? How?!
:'''Baker''': It was my duty. Surely, you can understand that.
:'''Granderson''': You're insane.
:'''Baker''': I'm insane? No. Insane is believing in lies and closing your eyes to the truth. Insane is having blind faith in a corrupt power structure. No, we need... What the people yearn for is an awakening. Have you heard Tavo speak? Have you heard his message? &quot;The first step towards tyranny&quot; &quot;is to believe&quot; &quot;the government will take care of everything.&quot;
:'''Granderson''': Kelsi, did I mean nothing to you?
:'''Baker''': Oh, I did care about you, Alisha. You should know that. And for awhile there, I thought I loved you, but... you and me, what we are... That doesn't even matter. Not now.

===''Warriors'' [5.5]===
:''[As Vulture team tries to hide in a Jamaican rum cellar from Gran Colombia invasion forces, Chandler talks to war strategist Dr Manuel Montano]''
:'''ADM Thomas Chandler''': I was gonna wait till we were on the flight home, but it looks like we got a couple minutes, so let's take some time. You're the architect of Gustavo's war machine. What's the sequel to Plan Azul? Haiti, Puerto Rico, Bahamas?
:'''Dr Manuel Montano''': I fight for the Latin American people. So that we will no longer be dependent on the whims of the north.
:'''Chandler''': Now you sound like your boss.
:'''Montano''': You're a man of war, Admiral. And a professor, as I understand. You tell me... how many invasions, bombs, coups, CIA black ops, and other interventions does it take before people push back?
:'''Chandler''': America's not your enemy.
:'''Montano''': America is a continent, not a country, Admiral. Learn that... maybe you'll understand La Revolución. Gustavo's not a revolutionary. He's not fighting to right old wrongs.
:'''Chandler''': He's a strong man and an opportunist, and he's killing more of your people than ours. 
:'''Montano''': I did not say I support Gustavo.
:'''Chandler''': You're not in Jamaica guarding Gustavo's secrets. You're running away.
:'''Montano''': Yes, Admiral.
:'''Chandler''': In another of the great post-plague ironies, one of the great strategists of war has become a pacifist.
:'''Montano''': The first time I heard him speak was in his home town. A little place called Rubi. He was a man of humble beginnings, speaking of hope, belonging... Listening to Tavo was a revelation. He put words to the pain and the shame of the South American experience... all we'd been feeling for so long. The plans we made together were going to do great good.
:'''Chandler''': So what changed?
:'''Montano''': Tavo changed.
:'''Chandler''': Or he stopped hiding his true intentions.
:'''Montano''': And it wasn't just rebels being killed, it was whole villages... anyone who fed into Tavo's paranoia. You can only see a child be burned alive so many times before you question your part in it all.
:'''Chandler''': You know his next moves. Help me stop him, help me end this.
:'''Montano''': If I help you, will that save my nation?
:'''Chandler''': If you don't, will your nation still be worth saving?
:'''Montano''': If I join you... I'm still an instrument of death. The only difference is the person delivering it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Flashback to a scene at the Chandler home. Admiral Chandler is in a heated argument with daughter Ashley]''
:'''ADM Thomas Chandler''': I just don't know what it is you're telling me. What are you telling me? ''[Ashley walks off]'' Get back here, I'm talking to you! Come back here, I'm talking to you. 
:'''Ashley Chandler''': Mom knew it, too! She knew you hated being home. You were never happy unless you were on your damn ship!
:'''Tom''': I'm sorry I'm the one you got stuck with. I'm sorry your mom died!
:'''Ashley''': And you weren't here.
:'''Tom''': Ashley. Ashley....
:'''Ashley''': You don't belong here. You belong out there.

===''Air Drop'' [5.6]===
:''[Gustavo Barros is interviewed]''
:'''Reporter''': I'm curious if your thinking has changed or if you regret starting a war with the United States.
:'''President Gustavo &quot;Tavo&quot; Barros''': We didn't start this war.
:'''Reporter''': You sank a US fleet in Mayport on the very day that your loyalists murder the duly-elected leader of Panama. That sounds textbook.
:'''Barros''': Mayport wasn't an attack, nor was it the beginning. You're young, but smart enough to know the US's history of murder and political insurrection in Latin America. [[w:1954 Guatemalan coup d'état|Guatemala '54]], [[w:Bay of Pigs invasion|Cuba '61]], [[w:Dominican Civil War|D.R. '65]], [[w:1973 Chilean coup d'état|Chile '73]], [[w:United_States_and_state-sponsored_terrorism|Nicaragua '82]], [[w:United_States_invasion_of_Grenada|Grenada '83]]. This war is a battle for the survival of the people of Gran Colombia. 
:'''Reporter''': So, is this your justification for the forced conscription, the purges, the death squads?
:'''Barros''': Where do you get this information from?
:'''Reporter''': Several accounts from defectors...
:'''Barros''': Defectors from what? Our borders are not closed. People are free to come and go as they wish.
:'''Reporter''': Their accounts are remarkably consistent.
:'''Barros''': This isn't a war of public opinion. This is about taking a fresh look at the world... Post-virus, post-famine. It's about adjusting the balance. United States have been bullies for too long. This movement is a rebirth. Take your camera and your notepad and go to the countryside. Go to the cities of Central and South America and see the pride in people's faces. Freedom from tyranny is what they demanded. And it's what I'm giving them. And I'm inviting the people of all of the Americas to join.

===''Courage'' [5.9]===
:''[General Hector Martinez is summoned along with the entire Gran Colombia high command to dinner with President Barros, but when he notices that the other generals are absent...]''
:'''President Gustavo &quot;Tavo&quot; Barros''': Bad news, Hector. The generals? They were plotting against me.
:'''General Hector Martinez''': Who, Tavo?
:'''Barros''': Eat, Hector. Gazpacho shouldn't be allowed to warm to room temperature. It's good.
:'''Martinez''': There must be a mistake. You're telling me there was a coup amongst my generals?
:'''Barros''': ''Your'' generals? I hope they aren't your generals, Hector. No. They're cowards. And I warned you against them. 
:'''Martinez''': ''[Spanish]'' Are you sure? I've known these men a very long time. I would have heard something.
:'''Barros''': There is no mistake, Hector.
:'''Martinez''': So you have proof?
:'''Barros''': Conchita saw it. In the cards.
:'''Martinez''': Tavo. We cannot play with men's lives. These cards cannot always be trusted.
:'''Barros''': They confessed. Chacon, Bianchi, Rodriguez, Munos, Moreno. Every single one of them.
:'''Martinez''': Oh, my God.
:'''Barros''': But it doesn't matter, not really. All I wanted to know... the only thing I asked them before I removed their intestines was, did Hector know? Of course, none of them gave you up. But they gave each other up real quick. But you? Not you. Then I started feeling bad. For doubting you. ''[sees Maza distraught]'' It's... it's okay.
:'''Martinez''': No, no, no, no. With all the pressure from the war, I've...
:'''Barros''': I know I've gone a little crazy. And I'm sorry about that.
:'''Martinez''': You don't have to apologize, Tavo. I support you. Always.
:'''Barros''': Of course you do. Of course, I know. That is why I want you to lead the investigation to see just how far down this conspiracy goes. I want it torn out by the roots!
:'''Martinez''': ''Sí'', Tavo. I will handle it personally. Like always.
:'''Barros''': Like always. Conchita. ''[Conchita leaves]'' Hector, my friend. My brother. ''[Barros' bodyguard suddenly stabs Martinez]'' If you're gonna stab a man in the back, the least that you can do is look him in the eye!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Nina talks to Admiral Chandler about the war film showing for the sailors and Marines on the eve of the Gran Colombia invasion]''
:'''Nina Garside''': Guess Gator's got the right idea. Try and keep their minds off things, even just for a few hours. So, tell me, Admiral. What's going through your head on the night before D-Day?
:'''Admiral Chandler''': Nathan James.
:'''Garside''': The ship?
:'''Chandler''': The sailor. Ship's namesake. Captain Nathan James skippered a PT boat during the war in the Pacific. His fleet was decimated. His boat was all that was left standing against nine Japanese destroyers. The boat sank beneath him. Not before he stopped the enemy's advance. He single-handedly saved a fleet of newly-repaired American destroyers coming out of Pearl Harbor carrying thousands of sailors into the fight. Captain James said, &quot;war is a beast.&quot; It appears in many forms. Sometimes it's the beast you face head on, out on the field of battle. As equals. Sometimes the beast hides out. Lurking somewhere in the deep, biding its time &quot;until, when your guard is dropped, it comes for you.&quot; &quot;Bloodthirsty and merciless.&quot; &quot;And it drags you under. On any given day, you never know which beast you're gonna face.&quot; 
:'''Garside''': Which beast is it for you, Admiral?

===''Commitment'' [5.10]===
:''[Sasha Cooper and Danny Green have cornered Gustavo Barros]''
:'''Gustavo &quot;Tavo&quot; Barros''': Where is he... Tom Chandler? Where is he? 
:'''Danny Green''': He couldn't be bothered. 
:'''Sasha Cooper''': The war's over. Your army surrendered. Your turn.
:'''Tavo''': I will only surrender to Tom Chandler, soldier to soldier.
:'''Green''': We'll send your regards. Get on the floor. Now. ''[shoots Tavo when he tries to reach for a pistol; as he dies] Viva Tavo.''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After the Nathan James is destroyed, Admiral Chandler is in a near-death dream sequence where he witnesses footage of himself being relieved of command in front of the crew]''
:'''President Jeffrey Michener''': I'm proud to honor you today for your service to the U.S. Navy, our great nation, and the world. Captain Chandler, are you ready to be relieved of command?
:'''Admiral Chandler''': Who am I passing off command to?
:'''Commander Alicia Granderson''': We have the watch, sir. 
:''[band plays Adagio for Strings as certain people stand up]''
:'''Captain Andrea Garnett''': We have the watch. 
:'''LTJG Will Mason''': We have the watch. 
:'''Petty Officer Cosetti''': We have the watch. 
:'''Lieutenant Commander Barker''': We have the watch. 
:'''Chief Hospital Corpsman Doc Rios''': We have the watch. 
:'''Commander Carlton Burk''': We have the watch, sir. 
:'''Admiral Joseph Meylan''': Bosun, stand by to pipe the side. Shipmates going ashore. ''[everybody stands up]''
:'''President Michener''': It's time, pal. God bless you and God bless America.

== Cast ==
* Eric Dane - CDR/CAPT/ADM Thomas Chandler, USN 
* Rhona Mitra - Dr Rachel Scott
* Adam Baldwin - CDR/CAPT/ADM Mike Slattery, USN

== External links ==
{{wikipedia|The Last Ship (TV series)}} 
* {{imdb title|2402207|The Last Ship TV series}}
* {{official website|http://www.thelastshiptnt.com/}}

[[Category:2010s American drama TV shows]]</text>
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      <text bytes="1931" xml:space="preserve">{{vt|Delete. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:24, 26 July 2022 (UTC)}}
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== [[:Template:Db-meta]] ==

Useless template that has been created by a well-known cross-wiki vandal. — ''[[User:JavaHurricane| &lt;span style = &quot;color:green&quot;&gt;Java&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:JavaHurricane|&lt;span style = &quot;color:red&quot;&gt;Hurricane&lt;/span&gt;]]'' 08:23, 6 March 2022 (UTC)
:See also the following pages created by this same IP.
:*[[Template:Db-g7]]
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:Some of these templates, such as Imbox, may have uses; but others may not. I daresay it would be better if all these templates were discussed for their use, so that all the templates without use can be removed. ''[[User:JavaHurricane| &lt;span style = &quot;color:green&quot;&gt;Java&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:JavaHurricane|&lt;span style = &quot;color:red&quot;&gt;Hurricane&lt;/span&gt;]]'' 08:43, 6 March 2022 (UTC)
::Also noting that Template:Imbox seems to be useful, and hence I have not tagged it for deletion. ''[[User:JavaHurricane| &lt;span style = &quot;color:green&quot;&gt;Java&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:JavaHurricane|&lt;span style = &quot;color:red&quot;&gt;Hurricane&lt;/span&gt;]]'' 08:50, 6 March 2022 (UTC)
: '''Delete''', useless template cruft having been identified, it should be removed so that people's time is not wasted by it in the future. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 21:59, 23 April 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 09:00, 13 March 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
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== [[:Nitin Pujari]] ==

Doesn't appear to be notable. May also be cross-wiki spam as it was moved back into draftspace on Wikipedia for being promotional and not notable. — [[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 20:43, 9 March 2022 (UTC)

:'''Comment''': I am not sure that this is spam. With all due respect to enwiki seems like the draft was deleted after the creator asked for help at the Teahouse(?)
:See: [[w:Wikipedia:Teahouse/Questions/Archive_1140#Help_with_draft]] [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 18:31, 12 March 2022 (UTC)
::{{re|Ottawahitech}} I've just checked and that account was blocked a sockpuppet (as seen by [[:w:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Pcmishradigital]]) and was later globally locked. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 18:58, 12 March 2022 (UTC)
: '''Delete''' Not notable. Wikipedia article was deleted, Wikimedia category is at CfD and empty of any files. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 21:57, 23 April 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 21:00, 16 March 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
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[[File:AHZ-Logo-Updated 2022 PNG.png|thumb|AHZ Associates Logo]]
AHZ Associates&lt;ref&gt;[https://archive.dhakatribune.com/bangladesh/education/2018/04/18/ahz-associates-uk-education-expo-2018]&lt;/ref&gt; is a proud representative of UK Higher Education&lt;ref&gt;[[Higher education|Higher Education]]&lt;/ref&gt; Providers (HEPs) and has many branches all over the world. The organisation was established in 2012. Until now they commenced around 73+ UK Education Expo and served over 26000 students all over the world.

AHZ Associates Sponsored [[Birtish Council|British Council's]] International Educational Conference in 2019 They Won the Pieoneer Awards&lt;ref&gt;[https://pieoneerawards.com/2022/en/page/the-sponsors]&lt;/ref&gt; in 2021.

AHZ Associates provides a platform where student can select their right institutes. Simultaneously, Institutes can recruit the most suitable talents for them. They provide counselling to the prospective students based on their career plan, previous qualification, expectation, and affordability.

By counselling prospective students based on their career plan, previous qualification, expectations, affordability, and budget we place them in the most suitable institutions. In the same way, they promote their partner Universities to prosp&lt;mapframe latitude=&quot;51.51724368808398&quot; longitude=&quot;-0.06764567008837916&quot; zoom=&quot;2&quot; width=&quot;243&quot; height=&quot;208&quot; align=&quot;right&quot; /&gt;ective students and recommend students on their behalf.</text>
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[[File:AHZ-Logo-Updated 2022 PNG.png|thumb|AHZ Associates Logo]]
AHZ Associates&lt;ref&gt;[https://archive.dhakatribune.com/bangladesh/education/2018/04/18/ahz-associates-uk-education-expo-2018]&lt;/ref&gt; is a proud representative of UK Higher Education&lt;ref&gt;[[Higher education|Higher Education]]&lt;/ref&gt; Providers (HEPs) and has many branches all over the world. The organisation was established in 2012. Until now they commenced around 73+ UK Education Expo and served over 26000 students all over the world.

AHZ Associates Sponsored [[Birtish Council|British Council's]] International Educational Conference in 2019 They Won the Pieoneer Awards&lt;ref&gt;[https://pieoneerawards.com/2022/en/page/the-sponsors]&lt;/ref&gt; in 2021.

AHZ Associates provides a platform where student can select their right institutes. Simultaneously, Institutes can recruit the most suitable talents for them. They provide counselling to the prospective students based on their career plan, previous qualification, expectation, and affordability.

By counselling prospective students based on their career plan, previous qualification, expectations, affordability, and budget we place them in the most suitable institutions. In the same way, they promote their partner Universities to prosp&lt;mapframe latitude=&quot;51.51724368808398&quot; longitude=&quot;-0.06764567008837916&quot; zoom=&quot;2&quot; width=&quot;243&quot; height=&quot;208&quot; align=&quot;right&quot; /&gt;ective students and recommend students on their behalf.</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Chevron Corporation</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>246789</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147468</id>
      <parentid>3124986</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T16:35:23Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Chevron Corporation */ close</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
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      <text bytes="1848" xml:space="preserve">== [[:Chevron Corporation]] ==
{{vt|Deleted. I realize that &quot;blow it all up&quot; is not a great argument for deletion. But yes, this does seem to be mostly a placeholder to park content about this person, and not this company. Also the length of nearly all these quotes is problematic. First because they're really passages, some half a page or more, and really not quotes at all, and are hardly memorable or witty. Second, this runs into shady copyright territory.

Having said that, as one of the largest companies in the world, the subject is certainly notable. So no prejudice against recreation. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:35, 26 July 2022 (UTC)}}
Not one notable quote, page is coatrack of editorializing about [[Steven Donziger ]], another article also created by same banned editor. (Two different accounts, but the same editor, now banned for abusing multiple accounts.  [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 00:17, 15 April 2022 (UTC)

*'''Delete''' per nom; as a second choice, make into a redirect. It's a [[w:WP:COATRACK]]. [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] ([[User talk:Antandrus|talk]]) 01:41, 15 April 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 01:00, 22 April 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:22, 15 April 2022 (UTC)
:'''Keep''' Too many good quotes in the &quot;Quotes about&quot; section. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:34, 9 June 2022 (UTC)
{{vb}}</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3147469</id>
      <parentid>3147468</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T16:35:45Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Chevron Corporation */ fmt</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1850" xml:space="preserve">== [[:Chevron Corporation]] ==
{{vt|Deleted. 

I realize that &quot;blow it all up&quot; is not a great argument for deletion. But yes, this does seem to be mostly a placeholder to park content about this person, and not this company. Also the length of nearly all these quotes is problematic. First because they're really passages, some half a page or more, and really not quotes at all, and are hardly memorable or witty. Second, this runs into shady copyright territory.

Having said that, as one of the largest companies in the world, the subject is certainly notable. So no prejudice against recreation. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:35, 26 July 2022 (UTC)}}
Not one notable quote, page is coatrack of editorializing about [[Steven Donziger ]], another article also created by same banned editor. (Two different accounts, but the same editor, now banned for abusing multiple accounts.  [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 00:17, 15 April 2022 (UTC)

*'''Delete''' per nom; as a second choice, make into a redirect. It's a [[w:WP:COATRACK]]. [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] ([[User talk:Antandrus|talk]]) 01:41, 15 April 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 01:00, 22 April 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:22, 15 April 2022 (UTC)
:'''Keep''' Too many good quotes in the &quot;Quotes about&quot; section. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:34, 9 June 2022 (UTC)
{{vb}}</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3147470</id>
      <parentid>3147469</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T16:36:02Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Chevron Corporation */ fmt</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1851" xml:space="preserve">== [[:Chevron Corporation]] ==
{{vt|Deleted. 

I realize that &quot;blow it all up&quot; is not a great argument for deletion. But yes, this does seem to be mostly a placeholder to park content about this person, and not this company. Also the length of nearly all these quotes is problematic. First because they're really passages, some half a page or more, and really not quotes at all, and are hardly memorable or witty. Second, this runs into shady copyright territory.

Having said that, as one of the largest companies in the world, the subject is certainly notable. So no prejudice against recreation. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:35, 26 July 2022 (UTC)}}

Not one notable quote, page is coatrack of editorializing about [[Steven Donziger ]], another article also created by same banned editor. (Two different accounts, but the same editor, now banned for abusing multiple accounts.  [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 00:17, 15 April 2022 (UTC)

*'''Delete''' per nom; as a second choice, make into a redirect. It's a [[w:WP:COATRACK]]. [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] ([[User talk:Antandrus|talk]]) 01:41, 15 April 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 01:00, 22 April 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:22, 15 April 2022 (UTC)
:'''Keep''' Too many good quotes in the &quot;Quotes about&quot; section. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:34, 9 June 2022 (UTC)
{{vb}}</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Better Call Saul (season 6)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>246839</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147610</id>
      <parentid>3144938</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T18:13:51Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>75.35.55.63</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Nippy [6.10] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
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      <text bytes="99128" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Season''' [[Better Call Saul (season 1)|1]] [[Better Call Saul (season 2)|2]] [[Better Call Saul (season 3)|3]] [[Better Call Saul (season 4)|4]] [[Better Call Saul (season 5)|5]] [[Better Call Saul (season 6)|6]] | [[Better Call Saul|'''Main''']]
----

The following is a list of quotes from the sixth season of ''[[Better Call Saul]]''.

=== ''[[w:Wine and Roses|Wine and Roses]]'' [6.01] ===
:''[Mike, Gus, and Tyrus gather in the office trailer at the Los Pollos Hermanos chicken farm to discuss the aftermath of the attempted hit on Lalo Salamanca.]''
:'''Gus:''' Tell me again about the ''sicario'' who made the final report.
:'''Tyrus:''' He was already wounded when he talked to our cutout. Federales found him dead at the scene. But they got Salamanca.
:'''Gus:''' The mercenaries are dead. To a man. And yet their mission was a success?
:'''Mike:''' It has been known to happen. Now you go down there and get Varga, bring him home safe. There's ways to do it on the quiet. 
:''[Long pause; Gus and Tyrus both stare at him.]''
:'''Mike:''' ''[scoffs]'' ...Unless you already have something in the works.
:''[Tyrus turns and exits the trailer. Mike and Gus speak alone.]''
:'''Gus:''' Speak your mind.
:'''Mike:''' Loyalty goes both ways. Varga's done everything you asked him. 
:'''Gus:''' He wasn't given a choice.
:'''Mike:''' Maybe so, but he played a tough game. And he played it on the square. 
:'''Gus:''' ...And?
:'''Mike:''' When all is said and done, the kid deserves your respect.
:'''Gus:''' He has it. Is there more you wish to say?
:''[After a long pause, Mike exits the trailer.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim have dinner at a diner; conversation turns to the Ford Taurus that Jimmy has rented.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' I rented us a car. It's the Ford.
:'''Kim:''' So Saul Goodman drives a brown Ford Taurus?
:'''Jimmy:''' Detroit calls that taupe, I believe.
:'''Kim:''' Don't you think Saul Goodman would drive something with a little more... flair?
:'''Jimmy:''' Such as?
:'''Kim:''' I don't know. Definitely American-made. Something showy. And Saul Goodman has an office. Something eye-catching. Good location.
:'''Jimmy:''' By the courthouse?
:'''Kim:''' Yeah. A cathedral of justice.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Ooooh'', a cathedral of justice. Okay, yeah.
:'''Kim:''' We should start looking for something for you. I mean, for Saul.
:'''Jimmy:''' Sold. When do we start?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At the courthouse, Jimmy is confronted by the district attorney who prosecuted Lalo during his bail hearing]''
:'''ADA Khalil''': I've been calling you for two days.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, my girl's out sick. What can I do you for?
:'''ADA Khalil''': Tomorrow morning, 10 A.M.
:'''Jimmy''': Brunch? But just you and me, right? ''[points at Detective Roberts]'' I mean, won't the big fella here feel like a third wheel?
:'''ADA Khalil''': You and I are meeting Parson in chambers. I am asking for an emergency hearing to alter the terms of De Guzman's release.
:'''Jimmy''': Sounds like a blast. Unfortunately, I'm booked solid. 
:'''Detective Roberts''': I checked your client's place of residence. The address he gave, it's a Dairy Queen in Altamonte. The family that showed at the bail hearing can't be located. No driver's license, no tax rolls, no school records. Nothing. The fact is, there isn't a single Elizabeth McKinnon under the age of 73 living in New Mexico.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, this is–this is surprising.
:'''ADA Khalil''': Your client has disappeared, and I'm not waiting six weeks to start looking for him.
:'''Jimmy''': Hey, my guy put up seven million in bail. You think he's just gonna walk away from that?
:'''Detective Roberts''': Who comes up with seven million bucks in cash?
:'''ADA Khalil''': You know what I think? I think the family was fake. ''[to Jimmy]'' And I think you knew it the whole time.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, hold up. Just get real for a second. The hearing didn't go your way, and now you're trying for a do-over? You say my guy ran, I say he's got seven million reasons for showing up when he's legally required to do so. So, no, I won't be... uh, due process window dressing at any crash meeting with Parson. And if you try throwing any of this crap around in front of the judge without my presence, here's an accusation: Prosecutorial misconduct. ''Career-ending'' prosecutorial misconduct!
:'''Detective Roberts''': None of that changes the fact the guy's not who he said he was.
:'''Jimmy''': No, no, no! Hold on! You guys got caught with your pants around your ankles, and somehow that's on me?! I don't think so! ''[points at ADA Khalil]''  You got two dozen lawyers up there! You got investigators—you got the whole damn police force—and it's ''my'' fault that you can't keep track of Lalo?! ''That is '''not''' my job!''
:'''ADA Khalil''': Lalo? Who's Lalo?
:'''Jimmy''': What?! ''[blinks hard]'' What did I say... I meant De Guzman. I have more than one client! ''[chuckles]'' So... ''[clears throat]'' I will see you at the preliminary in six weeks as scheduled. Until then, I have clients who need me.
:''[Jimmy walks into an empty courtroom and sits down while contemplating his slip-up]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy takes a guided tour of the country club where Howard and Cliff are members, meeting with a tour guide named Norm in the main lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Hi, Norm Wakely. I understand you're in the market for a tour.
:'''Jimmy:''' That's right. Saul Goodman.
:'''Norm:''' Great to meet you, Mr. Goodman. 
:'''Jimmy:''' No please, call me Saul.
:'''Norm:''' Great. So Saul, can I get you anything before we get started? The coffee here is just unbeatable. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh, well, I'm fine. I'm fully caffeinated. 
:''[Kevin Wachtell walks into the room and becomes upset upon seeing Jimmy in the lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Well Saul, you and I are standing on hallowed ground. Five presidents have played on our course, starting with Dwight D. Eisenhower. But the story goes back even further than that–
:'''Kevin:''' ''Norm.''
:''[Jimmy and Norm turn toward Kevin.]''
:'''Kevin:''' Can I have a sec, please?
:'''Jimmy:''' Kevin, hey. How's it going?
:'''Norm:''' Uh, I'm sorry. I'm sure this will just be a moment.
:''[Norm goes over to Kevin and talks to him for a few moments, clearly being instructed to remove Jimmy from the premises.]''
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman. I'm so sorry, but I've just been reminded that in fact we have a two-year waiting list.
:'''Jimmy:''' Two years, wow. Maybe I could go on the tour anyway. I mean, 'cause I'm here. Just in case.
:'''Norm:''' Well unfortunately, we've suspended tours for the moment.
:'''Jimmy:''' You're not even giving tours?
:'''Norm:''' I apologize for the inconvenience. We–we'll be happy to call you if the situation changes. You left your number?
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh-huh.
:'''Norm:''' Well, we'll be in touch. If the situation changes. Again, I–I am sorry for your time and trouble. We just– ''[sighs]'' We had a few crosswires.
:'''Jimmy:''' Well... okay then.
:'''Norm:''' Thank you.
:''[Jimmy is about the leave the lounge, but impulsively stops, turns around, and approaches Norm again.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Norm:''' Oh, yes.
:'''Jimmy:''' Um, just so I understand: you were going to give me a tour and then realized you don't need new members?
:'''Norm:''' We have a waiting list.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, but you're the membership director... 
:'''Norm:''' I know.
:'''Jimmy:''' ...so you would have known that before. It doesn't really add up. I mean, I came in and everyone was rolling out the red carpet, and then all of a sudden something changed. I don't–
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman, I–
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Goodman.'' The name. The second you heard it, everything turned on a dime. Wow. Waiting list? I think you're talking about an ''exclusion'' list. It's okay, I should have known. Because, I mean, look! ''[raises his voice and walks to the middle of the lounge, where everyone can see him]'' It's wall-to-wall mayonnaise in here! So listen, if you're going to be restrictive, have the courage to say so!
:'''Norm:''' There's no question–
:'''Jimmy:''' There it is, folks! Anti-Semitism, alive and well right here in Albuquerque!
:'''Norm:''' Sir! We have many Jewish members!
:'''Jimmy:''' Oh good. Well, you met your quota then. Gold star for you.
:''[Kevin, flanked by two of his golf buddies, interjects.]''
:'''Kevin:''' Hold on. That's gotta be the biggest load of horse crap I've ever heard in my life. Go crawl back in your hole, McGill or Goodman – whatever you're calling yourself. What are you up to, anyway? Ginning up another one of your put-up job lawsuits? You two-faced, blackmailing, money-grubbing son of a bitch–
:'''Jimmy:''' Money-grubbing! You're saying the quiet part out loud, I think.
:'''Norm:''' Gentlemen, can we just keep the volume down?
:'''Kevin:''' You know damn well that's not what I meant!
:'''Jimmy:''' In this day and age, I'd hoped and prayed we'd be beyond this.
:'''Kevin:''' You're about as Jewish as my Aunt Fannie!
:'''Jimmy:''' Five-thousand years and it never ends!
:''[Kevin tries to take a swing at Jimmy, but is held back by his golf buddies.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Here it is! Violence! It always comes to this!''
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Wachtell, please!
:'''Kevin's Buddy:''' Come on, Kev.
:'''Kevin:''' ''[to Jimmy]'' You go to hell, you lying sack of shit.
:''[Kevin and his golf buddies leave the lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Sir. Mr. Goodman, I don't know what to say. That is not–
:'''Jimmy:''' I wouldn't be a member here. I wouldn't walk through those doors again after what happened to me here today. ''[feigns tears]'' Do you at least have a bathroom that I could use, seeing as how my– Stress like that is hell on my diverticulitis. 
:'''Norm:''' The men's locker room is the closest. It's straight through there.
:'''Jimmy:''' And I would be allowed to go in there?
:'''Norm:''' Yes, of course.
:'''Jimmy:''' I want you to know I don't blame you personally. I know you were just following orders. ''[to everyone in the lounge]'' It's okay, folks! I'm leaving! All is well!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo is preparing to be smuggled across the border with a group of undocumented immigrants when he decides to call the Casa Tranquila Nursing Home and speak to Hector. A nurse holds a phone up to Hector's ear in the common room. Hector uses his bell to communicate.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle, can you hear me? Do you know my voice?
:''[Hector visibly recognizes Lalo's voice.]''
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings bell twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' They told you about the attack, didn't they?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Let them keep believing I'm dead. So much the better. It was the chicken man. That coward sat up there in the north while his paramilitaries came into my home. My home, Uncle! Screw Bolsa, screw Eladio. I'm coming north. I'm going to hurt him. Hurt him like you taught me. And then I will kill him. 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings repeatedly in agreement]''
:'''Lalo:''' What is it?
:''[The nurse takes the phone from Hector.]''
:'''Nurse:''' Hector? ''[to Lalo]'' Excuse me. I'm so sorry, but Hector seems a little upset.
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. Um, I'm just– I'm sharing a bit of family news, some good, some bad. Would you mind putting him back on? It will only be a minute.
:'''Nurse:''' Of course.
:''[The nurse again holds the phone to Hector's ear.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' What is it? Do you have another idea? 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' Okay, let's see. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, Ñ, O, P–
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' P? That's right?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Okay. What's next? A, B, C, D...
:''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings twice.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ...L, M, N, Ñ...
:''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings once.]''
:'''Lalo:''' U? ''Prueba?'' 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Is that what you're saying? Proof?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' Uncle, I don't have any proof. For months I was in the north watching him, following his men. There was nothing.
:''[Lalo has a flash of realization.]''
:'''Lalo:''' Wait... There is proof. I know where to find it. Goodbye, Uncle. You will see me soon.

=== ''[[w:Carrot and Stick|Carrot and Stick]]'' [6.02] ===
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;I was a hard worker. I was a company man. Twenty years, and I didn't miss a single day. They even gave me a plaque for it. ''[sighs]'' It was a gold plaque. Perfect attendance... But when they handed it to me, I wrenched my back. I was in so much pain, I couldn't do my job... ''[sighs again]'' which meant I couldn't put food on the table. I didn't want to sue... but with a family to support, what choice did I have?&quot;
:'''Kim''': Wait, who are you supposed to be again?
:'''Jimmy''': Whatever. The backstory is just a placeholder. I'm gonna polish the script once we cast.
:'''Kim''': But a personal injury suit? Best case scenario, that gets him in with an associate.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[throws hands up]'' Mesothelioma. ''[clears his throat]'' &quot;When I took that job down at the shoe factory, I had no idea I was risking my life. Now, I can't stop coughin'!&quot; Right? Come on! Hey, a mesothelioma class-action built Clifford Main his vacation house. He hears &quot;mesothelioma,&quot; his eyes pop!
:'''Kim''': Well, sure. But then he takes the case. What happens when he asks for a medical evaluation? And how does Howard come up?
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, ask me why I'm here.
:'''Kim''': What brings you to Davis &amp; Main today?
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;I'm sick. I'm really sick...&quot;
:'''Kim''': Good.
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;...and it's not mesothelioma, but it's not good. And I need a lawyer, and the pickings are slim. I already went to HHM. I met with their top guy, Howard Hamlin, and uh... Uhhh, I–I got a brother-in-law and he's got a pretty nasty coke habit, very similar energy. Just put me off. Anyway, I need a lawyer, blah-blah-blah.&quot;
:'''Kim''': Okay, but you got a bad feeling from just one meeting?
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, I had the brother-in-law with the coke.
:'''Kim''': Yeah, but you were only in the room with him once.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, so it's gotta be something with a history with Howard.
:'''Kim''': Yeah.
:'''Jimmy''': But Cliff has to want to take the meeting, but not the case.
:'''Kim''': Right. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[sighs]'' It's gotta be good, but not too good.
:'''Kim''': Exactly. There's a sweet spot, you know. Like a magnet. We–we pull Cliff in, and then repel him. ''[beat]'' Oh!
:'''Jimmy''': What?
:'''Kim''': ''[sighs]'' You are going to ''hate'' this...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy tracks down the Kettlemans to their shady tax preparation office and tries to rope them into his and Kim's plan to ruin Howard]'' 
:'''Betsy''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've got some nerve coming here after what you did! ''[shoves Jimmy]'' ''Leave!'' Because of you, we lost ''everything!'' Our kids are in public school! So why don't you go crawl back under whatever slime-covered rock you came from and leave us the heck alone?! 
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, I sense some anger here, but that's–that's perfectly understandable. Since you brought it up, I came here today because I was curious if you two wanted your lives back. There's actually a legal term for it: Exoneration. 
:'''Craig''': Oh. You know, we actually did look into that.
:'''Betsy''': Yep.
:'''Craig''': We went to a number of lawyers, and—
:'''Betsy''': ''Real'' lawyers.
:'''Craig''': Yes. They were all terrific, but they said that it was impossible.
:'''Betsy''': ''Mm-hmm''.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, but those lawyers don't know what I know.
:'''Craig''': What's that?
:'''Betsy''': No, Craig. He's got an angle.
:'''Jimmy''': I ''do'' have an angle, Craig. It's an angle called justice. ''[Betsy scoffs and snickers]'' Let me put it this way: I think that within Craig's case, I have found the grounds for a civil suit. A big one. ''[pause; quietly]'' Big. 
:'''Betsy''': ''[long pause; looks at Craig]'' Okay, then. Let's hear it.
:'''Jimmy''': Let's hold your horses, because we've been down this road before. [[w:Uno (Better Call Saul)|And the last time I gave you two advice, you went straight to the competition with it.]] ''[pulls out a piece of paper from inside his suit]'' So, I just need some assurances that all my hard work isn't gonna end up in the hands of, uh, Clifford Main or some other asshole at some pretentious high-pay, white-shoe law firm. So before we talk turkey, letters of engagement. 
:'''Craig''': Yes.
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, you remember these. I made some updates, just closed a few loopholes and whatnot. So... ''[holds out paper and pen]''
:'''Betsy''': ''[stops Craig from taking the pen]'' We're not signing anything.
:'''Jimmy''': You have to sign if you want to know what I know. 
:'''Betsy''': ''We're not signing.''
:'''Jimmy''': Really? You're sure?
:'''Betsy''': Yep.
:'''Jimmy''': Craig?
:'''Craig''': ''[looks at Betsy before shaking his head]'' Thanks anyway.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[unclicks pen]'' Alright. Well, uh... Sorry we couldn't work something out.
:'''Betsy''': I'm sure you are.
:''[Jimmy overhears Betsy and Craig arguing as he walks around the trailer. He balls the pen in his fist]''
:'''Craig''': Mr. Goodman!
:'''Jimmy''': ''[smiles; clicks pen and takes out letter]'' Best decision you've ever made. ''[turns his back to Craig for him to sign the letter]'' Here you go.
:'''Betsy''': ''[after Craig signs the letter]'' So what do you know?
:'''Jimmy''': You got one, too, Betsy. ''[holds out another letter]''
:''[Betsy snatches the pen and paper from Jimmy and signs the letter while pressing the pen hard on Jimmy's back]'' 
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, come on. That's not... ''Ow''. All right. Well, we're officially in business. Now, I have it on good authority here that Craig was not given proper counsel. 
:'''Betsy''': We already knew that.
:'''Jimmy''': But did you ask yourselves why?
:'''Craig''': No. Why?
:'''Jimmy''': What if I told you that in your hour of need, the person who was supposed to be on your side was impaired?
:'''Craig''': Impaired?
:'''Jimmy''': It's a... a person of substance. ''[as Betsy and Craig talk to each other quietly]'' Substance in question being a certain illegal white powder.
:'''Betsy''': That awful woman with the ponytail is a cocaine addict.
:'''Jimmy''': No, not Kim Wexler! No! Craig's lead attorney, Howard Hamlin! 
:'''Craig''': Oh. I thought he was so... professional and energetic. Upbeat. 
:'''Betsy''': Oh...
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;Oh,&quot; is right.
:'''Craig''': So upbeat is bad?
:'''Jimmy''': In this case, it's textbook malpractice. The magic phrase is, &quot;ineffective assistance of counsel.&quot; If your guy wasn't nose deep in the devil's dandruff, well, Craig's case would've turned out completely different.
:'''Craig''': Oh, my God! 
:'''Betsy''': Don't we need some kind of proof?
:'''Jimmy''': All the dirty laundry comes out in discovery. It’s just trips to rehab, secret drug deals. All we gotta do is get the ball rolling. So, I say we get started on your affidavits. 
:'''Craig''': Yes.
:'''Betsy''': About that. We happen to know a thing or two about our rights, Mr. McGill. And it doesn’t matter what you force us to sign. We don’t have to work with any lawyer we don’t want. ''[gets in Jimmy's face]'' And that means... you’re fired. 
:'''Jimmy''': I am not fired.
:'''Betsy''': Oh yes, you are!
:'''Jimmy''': No! No!
:'''Craig''': He’s fired?
:'''Betsy''': Craig! 
:'''Jimmy''': No, you can’t fire me! I found this case, it’s mine! Hey, you wanna hear about rights?! The second you say where you got this information from, guess who automatically gets a cut?! ''Me! So go ahead! Go ahead, see what happens!''
:''[Jimmy pretends to be upset after the Kettlemans leave, but slowly starts smiling as he walks away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gus and Juan Bolsa visit Hector at Casa Tranquila to send their condolences, still believing that Lalo is dead. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Bolsa''': He wishes to make amends. At least hear him out.
:'''Gus''': Don Hector. It's no secret that I did not see eye to eye with your nephew. And while the friction between your family and myself did not start with him, today I am reminded we are all Eladio's men. No matter our disagreements, a strike against one is a strike against all. I hope you will accept my condolences and my support as you navigate this terrible loss.
:'''Bolsa''': Gustavo speaks the truth. In this matter, he and I both stand shoulder to shoulder behind the Salamanca family. We are still looking for the traitor, Ignacio Varga. ''[places hand on Hector's shoulder]'' We will find him. And then your family will have justice.
:''[Hector slowly reaches his hand out to Gus. As Gus holds his hand, he notices a change of expression on Hector's face and stares at him. Cut to outside the nursing home.]'' 
:'''Bolsa''': ''[to Gus in English]'' We'll be in touch.
:''[Gus calls Mike on his cell phone after Bolsa drives away]''
:'''Mike''': What did you learn?
:'''Gus''': Lalo Salamanca lives.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy gets a call from Betsy Kettleman after she finds out there was no case against Howard]''
:'''Jimmy''': Saul Goodman, speedy justice for you. Oh, wait! Okay, just take a breath, and then we can... Okay, okay. I can tell you're upset. Just... I–I never advised that. No. ''[sighs]'' No, I did not, so let's agree to disagree. ''[pause]'' Okay, I think you're going to want to meet in person before you do anything rash. So how about–how about we meet up, and we can hash this out. ''[pause]'' Yeah, sure! Tomorrow, first thing. Uh, 9 A.M, I can come to your office. That work? ...Okay, okay! Good! ''[hangs up]'' 
:'''Kim''': I'm surprised it took them this long. You, uh... You're gonna use the stick, right? 
:'''Jimmy''': The stick? Well, it's a big stick. But I know these people, they're more carrot types. Especially her. ''[takes out cash and puts the bills in his suit pocket]'' Spoonful of sugar, you know?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' I think maybe I'll come, too.
:'''Jimmy''': Tomorrow? Really?
:'''Kim''': Sure. I have time.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tyrus''': They found the truck, but no sign of Varga. Salamancas have all eyes looking for him, including the federales. Still not picking up his cell, so nobody got a lock on it. Now as for Lalo, still missing. As far as everybody in the cartel is concerned, top to bottom, Lalo is dead.
:'''Mike''': May I offer a thought? ''[pause; to Gus]'' If Salamanca was coming straight for you, he'd be here already. We've got guys watching anywhere he might turn up this side of Mexico. Wire taps on any phone he might call. There is not a whiff of him. Now, my guess is he's smart enough to know it's not in the Salamanca family interest to take you out without a reason the bosses can get behind. So, the odds are he's searching for Varga. Finds him alive, gets him to talk. ''[pause; Gus remains silent]'' Varga's alone in foreign territory, no one he can trust. The kid's smart, but he's not gonna last. ''[Gus stands up]'' He's gonna get caught.
:''[Gus accidentally knocks a glass over and kneels down to pick up the shards from the floor]''
:'''Gus''': Continue.
:'''Mike''': The best way to handle this: I take four of our best guys, cross the border and track Varga down. Let me find him, bring him back before the Salamancas sweep him up. It's our only play.
:''[After cleaning up the broken glass, Gus throws it away and looks out a nearby window]''
:'''Gus''': ''[beat; in Spanish]'' Varga's father. Bring him here.
:'''Mike''': No. You're not doing that. ''[locks the door after Tyrus gets his gun out]'' You don't understand. That's not happening. 
:'''Tyrus''': ''[walks up to Mike and aims gun at him]'' Just say the word.
:'''Mike''': Whatever happens next... it's not gonna go down the way you think it is.
:''[Mike stares at Tyrus, who cocks his gun and waits for Mike to make a move.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[beat; hears cell phone vibrating]'' It's him.
:'''Tyrus''': Bullshit. I've been calling Varga for hours. He hasn't picked up once. 
:'''Mike''': He's been trying to get me since he left the Salamancas. ''[opens phone]'' You want me to answer it?
:''[Tyrus turns to Gus, who nods. Mike answers the phone and speaks to Nacho]''
:'''Mike''': Yeah. ''[pause]'' Yeah. ...Not my call. ''[pause]'' That's up to you. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Betsy:''' You used us &amp;ndash; us and our good name &amp;ndash; to character-assassinate Howard Hamlin. Somehow, some way, it benefits you to tear him down.
:'''Craig:''' Yeah. And we're&amp;ndash;we're mad.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, yeah. I'm hearing a lot of unfounded accusations being tossed around. I don't know anything about schemes or character assassination or whatnot, but... ''[clears throat]'' if you're feeling slighted, we can make it right. ''[Jimmy hands Betsy a bundle of cash]''
:'''Betsy:''' Money? ''[scoffs]'' Money's not gonna take care of this.
:'''Jimmy:''' Money takes care of everything. Isn't that the motto stitched onto the Kettleman family crest?
:'''Betsy:''' We don't want money. 
:'''Jimmy:''' I am non-plussed. I'm guessing you want something.
:'''Betsy:''' Do what you promised.
:'''Jimmy:''' Do what I what?
:'''Betsy:''' Exonerate Craig. Get his good name back. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright. Well, as you've been advised, for a number of reasons that's not gonna happen.
:'''Betsy:''' It ''is'' gonna happen. It is. It's... You're just gonna have to figure out a way.
:'''Craig:''' If anyone can do this, it's you.
:'''Betsy:''' I know you don't want us going to Howard Hamlin. Because whatever it is you're up to, I'm sure he would be ''very'' interested.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, let's just go easy on the threats.
:'''Betsy:''' We want our lives back! The way they were before. ''Before.'' We lost everything! And we don't deserve any of this.
:'''Kim:''' Okay. Enough carrot. ''[clears throat]''
:''[Kim turns to the home phone next to her and begins to dial]''
:'''Craig:''' Dial 9 to get out.
:'''Kim:''' Oh, thank you.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering; to Craig]'' We didn't give her permission to use the phone.
:'''Craig:''' ''[whispering; to Betsy]'' She needs to use the phone.
:'''Jimmy:''' Kim... ?
:''[The line connects; Kim speaks through the phone's speaker]''
:'''Receptionist:''' Internal Revenue Service, Albuquerque.
:'''Kim:''' Hi. Could you put me through to Justin Stangel in Criminal Investigations? 
:'''Receptionist:''' One moment, please.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[to Kim]'' What are you doing? Excuse me!
:'''Justin:''' This is Justin.
:'''Kim:''' Justin, Kim Wexler. How are you?
:'''Justin:''' Hey, Kim. Good to hear from you.
:'''Kim:''' How are Noreen and the boys?
:'''Justin:''' Oh, hanging in. Noreen always talks about having you by for dinner some time.
:'''Kim:''' We should do that. Tell her to call me. Listen, I was wondering who your CID officer is these days.
:'''Justin:''' You have something for us?
:'''Kim:''' Oh, I just might: Tax preparer fraud. A lot of it.
:'''Justin:''' I'm listening.
:'''Kim:''' Well, it's this, uh, run-down little mom-and-pop outfit I've had my eye on for a while. ''[chuckles]'' Don't ask me why. Clearly, I need to get a life. But from what I can glean, their clients always end up with smaller refunds than they deserve.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering]'' Please don't do this.
:'''Justin:''' Do the clients sign over third-party authorization?
:'''Kim:''' Bingo. So what I'm thinking is, these creeps file legit returns with you guys, give the clients fake ones that show about half the proper amount, and then pocket the difference. 
:'''Justin:''' Classic scam. Well, I know just the guy to go after these dirtbags. Tony Oropallo. Real bulldog. I'll transfer you over.
:'''Kim:''' Such a big help, Justin.
:'''Justin:''' You got it. Talk soon.
:'''Betsy:''' You don't have to do this.
:'''Kim:''' ''[to Betsy]'' Don't I? Betsy... You'll probably get twenty-four months, maybe eighteen with good behavior. But Craig? You are a two-time loser. They will definitely make an example out of you. Each false return they discover will be a separate felony. What are we talking? A hundred?
:'''Betsy:''' Uh...
:'''Kim:''' Two-hundred? 
:'''Tony:''' ''[beat]'' CID, Anthony Oropallo speaking.
:''[Betsy runs to the phone and slams down the receiver to end the call]''
:'''Betsy:''' Please. We'll do anything. Just tell us.
:'''Kim:''' ''[beat]'' Why would I believe ''you?'' Huh?
:'''Craig:''' Please. 
:'''Kim:''' ''[long pause]'' First. First, you contact every person you've ripped off. Tell them you made an accounting error, tell them you're crooks who had a change of heart, I don't care. Give them what they are legally owed. Everything you stole. And then after that, you're going to forget you ever heard the name Howard Hamlin. I'm keeping my eye on both of you. You think you've lost everything? ''You have no idea.''
:''[Kim leaves the room with Jimmy while the Kettlemans stand shellshocked, on the verge of tears]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy:''' [[w:Inflatable (Better Call Saul)|Wolves and sheep]].
:'''Kim:''' Huh?
:'''Jimmy:''' ...Nothing.

=== ''[[w:Rock and Hard Place|Rock and Hard Place]]'' [6.03] ===
:''[Nacho calls his father from an auto shop while on the run]''
:'''Manuel''': A-to-Z Fine Upholstery. Hello?
:'''Nacho''': Dad. It's me.
:'''Manuel''': Nacho?
:'''Nacho''': ''Si'', Papa. ''Hola''.
:'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' ''Hola, hijo.'' ''[in Spanish]'' How are you?
:'''Nacho''': ''[in Spanish]'' Good, good. Um... just wanted to hear your voice.
:'''Manuel''': Nacho, where are you? You sound strange.
:''[pause]''
:'''Nacho''': It's not important.... I was just checking in, that's all.
:'''Manuel''': Okay. ''Hijo'', I have lots of work to do. We've been through this, so many times. You know what you have to do... go to the police.
:'''Nacho''': Yes, Papa. I understand... I hear you.
:''[pause]''
:'''Manuel''': What else is there to say? Hmm? Goodbye, ''hijo''.
:'''Nacho''': ''[choked up]'' Goodbye, Papa.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Nacho calls Mike at an auto repair shop in Mexico while on the run from the Salamancas]''
:'''Mike''': Yeah.
:'''Nacho''': It's me.
:'''Mike''': Yeah.
:'''Nacho''': You knew. You knew that I was going to Mexico to die, that I was never supposed to make it out of that motel. And you let it happen.
:'''Mike''': Not my call.
:'''Nacho''': What happens now?
:'''Mike''': That's up to you. 
:'''Nacho''': Is that bastard with you? Put him on.
:'''Mike''': Hmm. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you.
:'''Gus''': ''[takes cell phone from Mike; to Nacho]'' Yes.
:'''Nacho''': You are screwed. ''[pause]'' You want the cartel to blame me for Lalo. But if they catch me, and make me talk? ''Ooh...'' That is not good for you, is it? Even if I disappear, everyone's gonna smell your stink all over it. The only way that this works for you is with me dead. ''[beat]'' Alright. Whatever bullshit way you want the story to go, I will make it go. But... I need one thing. 
:'''Gus''': Yes?
:'''Nacho''': My dad. I need to know that he will be safe.
:'''Gus''': If you are true to your word, there will be no reason for anyone to harm your father.
:'''Nacho''': ''You'' are not the one that I need to hear it from.
:''[Gus puts the phone on speaker so Mike can speak to Nacho]''
:'''Mike''': Your dad's gonna be okay.
:'''Nacho''': How do you know?
:'''Mike''': Because anyone who goes after him is gonna have to come through me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Huell sit in a car; Jimmy pays Huell for duplicating the keys to Howard's Jaguar]''
:'''Huell:''' Can I ask you sum'n?
:'''Jimmy:''' Sure, go ahead.
:'''Huell:''' Personal, kind of.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay. What?
:'''Huell:''' You're a lawyer. You make good money, right?
:'''Jimmy:''' Good days and bad, but yeah.
:'''Huell:''' Legit money, on the level.
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah, so?
:'''Huell:''' Your wife's a lawyer. A legit lawyer.
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah.
:'''Huell:''' Why you do all this? 
:'''Jimmy:''' Oh, I got you. I&amp;ndash;I know from the outside that this looks like just another scam, but you're not seeing the bigger picture. Couple months from now, there are people whose lives are gonna be way better. Because of this. We're making a real difference. Trust me. We're doing the Lord's work here. 
:'''Huell:''' ''Hmph''. If you say so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': What's going on?
:'''Kim''': I have news, Jimmy. Lalo is dead.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[exhales deeply]'' Holy shit. 
:'''Kim''': The DA's office put it together that Lalo was calling himself De Guzman. They are pretty upset they let him go.
:'''Jimmy''': I'll bet they are.
:'''Kim''': Ericsen seems to think that if Lalo lied to you and you didn't know about the pseudonym, that you could break confidentiality. She wants you to talk. She says it's right.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, what do you think we should do?
:'''Kim''': You... should do whatever you want, Jimmy. They don't have anything on you. It's just a fishing expedition to see if you bite.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' You think I should do it?
:'''Kim''': It depends.  
:'''Jimmy''': On what?
:'''Kim''': Well... ''[sighs]'' I guess it's basically... Do you want to be a friend of the cartel or... do you want to be a rat?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Nacho is driven to a remote location with Gus, Tyrus and Victor. There they meet Juan Bolsa, Hector Salamanca, and the Cousins. Bolsa kneels next to Nacho.]''
:'''Bolsa:''' Today, you are going to die. But there are good deaths, and there are bad deaths. Tell me what I need to know, I'll see that your death is a good one. Who put you up to this?
:''[Nacho glances at Gus, as if he's about to turn on him]''
:'''Bolsa:''' One last chance. ''Who?'' ''[long pause; scoffs and gets up to leave]''
:'''Nacho:''' It was Alvarez. Los Odios, out of Peru. They paid me to set up your nephew. And I did.
:''[Hector furiously rings his bell and attempts to point to Gus, who he knows is the real culprit]''
:'''Bolsa:''' Alvarez, we know. Los Odios, we know. Was anyone else involved?
:'''Nacho:''' ''[scoffs; nods to Gus]'' Him? You think the chicken man? ''Heh.'' What a joke. Alvarez has been paying me for years &amp;ndash; ''years''. ''[to the Salamancas]'' But you know what? I would have done it for free. Because I hate every last one of you psycho sacks of shit. I opened Lalo's gate, and I would do it again. And I'm glad what they did to him. He's a soulless pig, and I wished I'd killed him with my own hands. And you know what else, Hector? I put you in that chair. Oh, yeah. Your heart meds? I switched them for sugar pills. You were dead and buried, and I had to watch ''this'' asshole... ''[gestures to Gus]'' ...bring you back. So when you are sitting in your shitty nursing home and you're sucking down on your Jell-O night after night for the rest of your life, ''you think of '''me,''' you twisted fuck.''

=== ''[[w:Hit and Run (Better Call Saul)|Hit and Run]]'' [6.04] ===
:'''Jimmy:''' What kind of asshole moves a cone?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': So, I pull the Jag into the loading zone. And I start scrappin' with this hunk of metal. It was in deep—like, &quot;down a well&quot; deep—so I just... wrassled it! UGH! ''[Kim laughs hysterically]'' Like a freakin' bear, and I jam it in the dirt in front of the Jag! Boom! Barely made it out of there with the skin of my teeth. ''Who moves cones?'' Who does that?
:'''Kim''': Narcissists.
:'''Jimmy''': Heh, you're damn right. So you think Cliff really bought it, huh?
:'''Kim''': One hundred percent! You should've seen his face. It landed, trust me. God, it was... beautiful. ''[pause]'' Oh, and that is not all. 
:'''Jimmy''': Spill.
:'''Kim''': So... I'm doing the stall. I'm telling Cliff what I'm doing—what I wanna be doing. All I'm thinking is, I gotta stretch this out until you get there, but then... I don't know. I... kinda got caught up in it, and then... Cliff went for it. I mean, like, ''really'' went for it.
:'''Jimmy''': What does that mean? Like, money?
:'''Kim''': I don't think he'll write a check himself, but he knows people. And I think he'll deliver.
:'''Jimmy''': You're kidding! 
:'''Kim''': I know! How great is that?
:'''Jimmy''': This is unbelievable. ''[Kim laughs]'' Are we on a roll, or are we on a roll? Jeez! 
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' You ever feel like you're being followed? ''[pause]'' When I dropped Wendy off at the motel, she thought she was being watched by some undercover cops. But then when I drove away... that same car was behind ''me.'' Right after I spotted them, they disappeared.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, you know what they say: The wicked flee where no man pursueth. 
:'''Kim''': ...You think we're wicked?
:'''Jimmy''': No. What? ''[chuckles]'' It's just a turn of phrase. I think you're wicked hot. ''[pause]'' Alright. Listen to the voice of experience, okay? You know why you're feeling like this? Because we got away with it. It seems too good to be true, but trust me. Nobody is following you. ''[takes Kim's hand]'' No one knows what we're doing except for us. Okay?
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy confronts Bill Oakley at the courthouse when he notices his colleagues' cold treatment of him]''
:'''Jimmy''': What the hell is going on?! How come everyone's treating me like I'm covered in oozing pus sores?
:'''Bill''': I liked you better when you were just a regular bottom feeder. But this?
:'''Jimmy''': This? What is, &quot;this?&quot;
:'''Bill''': I understand advocating for your client. Deep in my heart, I get it. But you scammed the court. You scammed the judge, and for what? To get a murdering cartel psychopath back out on the street? It's just... wrong.
:'''Jimmy''': That's a lot of big talk, Bill. Prove it. Prove it, Bill!
:'''Bill''': There's proving, and then there's knowing. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': They're gone.
:'''Kim''': I'm sorry?
:'''Mike''': The two men that were following you. They're gone.
:'''Kim''': Do I know you?
:'''Mike''': Would you mind sitting for a moment, and I will answer any questions I can. ''[pause; Kim sits down next to Mike]'' I have men watching you and your husband. I'm not with the police, and as far as I know, they're not investigating either of you. I ''do'' know that you've been up to a few things that you probably would rather keep private. I don't care. That's not what this is about. I'm trying to solve a problem of my own. 
:'''Kim''': What problem?
:'''Mike''': Lalo Salamanca.
:'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca's dead. ''[beat; Mike says nothing and stares at Kim]'' He... isn't.
:'''Mike''': We're watching anyone he might contact. That includes you and your husband. Most likely, he'll never reach out. He's got bigger fish to fry. But in the thousand to one chance that he does...
:'''Kim''': And who do you work for?
:'''Mike''': I said I would answer anything I can. 
:'''Kim''': ''[long pause]'' [[w:Bagman (Better Call Saul)|You're the guy from the desert]]. The one who was out there with Jimmy. Why are you telling me this and not him?
:'''Mike''': Because I think you're made of sterner stuff. ''[pause; gets up]'' Alright. Now here's what's best for everyone. You spot my guys again—which I'm hoping you won't—let them go about their business. Just pretend they're not there. And pretty soon, they won't be. You and your husband just... go on living your lives. ''[starts to leave]''
:'''Kim''': I do know you. You worked in the parking booth at the courthouse. ''[pause]'' You were the attendant.
:'''Mike''': ...I was.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kim meets Jimmy at a strip mall where an office space is available for lease]''
:'''Kim''': What are we doing here?
:'''Jimmy''': Take a look. What do you think?
:'''Kim''': About what?
:'''Jimmy''': My new office. Potentially. Come on.
:''[They both peer through the storefront windows of the office, which is empty except for a lone toilet]''
:'''Kim''': Huh.
:'''Jimmy''': Mrs. Nguyen kicked me to the curb.
:'''Kim''': What? Why?
:'''Jimmy''': It's a long story, but upshot is she wants me out of there with extreme prejudice.
:'''Kim''': Wow. Bad day, huh?
:'''Jimmy''': Well, no. It was a... great day. With actual paying clients. The word is out! People were throwing cash retainers at me just to say Saul Goodman is their lawyer.
:'''Kim''': Because of who you represented.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, I mean, that's part of it. But the bottom line is I need a new place for new business pronto. Now, this place is a shithole, but the price is right. And I think I can talk the landlord into a month-to-month. So, it's temporary until I find something better. ''[sighs; pause]'' Hey. What do you think?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' It's small. It's... dirty. And this whole place smells funny. ''[pause]'' But the courthouse is five blocks away. You can't get to MDC without driving past. Parking is good, bail bond row isn't far, and uh... Taco Cabeza is just around the corner. Might be a diamond in the rough. Just promise me... you won't move the toilet.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' There it is. Alright. Uh... speaking of Taco Cabeza.
:'''Kim''': I'm starving. Let's do it.

=== ''[[w:Black and Blue (Better Call Saul)|Black and Blue]]'' [6.05] ===
:''[Cliff informs Howard about witnessing Jimmy throw Wendy out of Howard's car]''
:'''Howard:''' I threw a woman out of my car? In the middle of the street? And I&amp;ndash;''zip''&amp;ndash;I just drive right past you? I... That's what you're saying? I-I-I don't even... I don't know how to respond to that.
:'''Cliff:''' I'm not asking you to respond. I just need you to know that ''I'' know. 
:'''Howard:''' It wasn't me, Cliff. Whoever you think you saw&amp;ndash;
:'''Cliff:''' Yeah, sorry, but that's the kind of thing my son used to say. It was your Jaguar, your &quot;Namaste&quot; plate. It was you! Howard, there's no harm in asking for help. You got a lot of people in your corner.
:'''Howard:''' So there's the-the baggie at the county club.
:'''Cliff:''' Yes.
:'''Howard:''' After that, some clients&amp;ndash;who you can't name because of privilege&amp;ndash;make insinuations. Then on Thursday, you have a business meeting and you witness a Jaguar speeding past. ''[beat]'' Who were you meeting with?
:'''Cliff:''' Not sure why that's germaine, but... Kim Wexler. She came to me for career advice.
:''[Howard's face becomes awash with realization]''
:'''Howard:''' ''Mmm.'' All right. ''[pause]'' Okay. ''[takes out his cell phone]'' Of course. ''[scoffs]'' Of course. ''[to Cliff]'' Cliff, I know this wasn't easy for you. You came to me as a friend. I appreciate it.
:'''Cliff:''' You can start today, Howard.
:'''Howard:''' Oh, I will. Because you're right, I ''do'' have a problem. Just not the problem you think. I have a Jimmy McGill problem.
:'''Cliff:''' Jimmy McGill?!
:'''Howard:''' You'll have to excuse me.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard!
:'''Howard:''' ''[to his secretary on the phone]'' Julie. Cancel my week. Yes, my whole week. 
:'''Cliff:''' Howard!
:''[Howard climbs into his Jaguar and drives away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy walks into a boxing club and sees Howard, who pretended to be a potential client named &quot;Mr. Ward&quot;]''
:'''Howard''': Hello, Jimmy.
:'''Jimmy''': Mr. Ward, I presume. As in... H.O. Ward. That is really cute, Howard. So, wait. That means that you're the guy who shanked some dude in a rumble near Central Pen. ''[sighs]'' That's—that's very street of you. 
:'''Howard''': I thought it sounded like a Saul Goodman kind of case.
:'''Jimmy''': ...Alright, so what are we doing here? 
:'''Howard''': I'm tired, Jimmy. You and me, us. I'm tired of this. Aren't you? It's exhausting. ''[points at boxing ring behind him]'' Let's punch it out.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' Are you kidding?
:'''Howard''': Dead serious. Hoping you might get it out of your system. Do I think it'll work? ''[shrugs]'' I don't know. Call it a Hail Mary. I have the gear, I rented the ring. It's just you and me... ''[points at the man standing behind Jimmy]'' and Macky to ref. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' I am sorry, but have you lost your mind?
:'''Howard''': Actually, I'm as clear-headed as I've ever been in my life. You didn't even try to hide your tracks. The baggie of drugs at the country club, the clients you sent to discredit me, ''another'' prostitute.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, once again as usual, I—
:'''Howard''': Please. I could go on. All roads lead back to you. It's Psych 101. You want to get caught. 
:'''Jimmy''': So what? Is this like pistols at dawn?
:'''Howard''': I'm trying to give you what you want. 
:'''Jimmy''': What I want? I don't... I think this is what ''you'' want. You wanna beat the shit out of me? Legally? 
:'''Howard''': I think you can hold up your end. You must've gotten into a few good scrapes in your old neighborhood. 
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, right. I could've been a contender. 
:'''Howard''': Indulge me. Let's see what we see. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause; smiles]'' Thanks for the laughs. ''[chuckles]'' &quot;Mr. Ward.&quot; 
:''[Jimmy laughs and starts to walk out, but stops. He and Howard are seen suited up with boxing gloves as they begin their fight. They both land a few punches on each other, but Howard eventually knocks Jimmy down]'' 
:'''Howard''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've mistaken my kindness for weakness. I like to think that tonight made a difference. I like to think that this ends it. ''[pause; shakes his head]'' Probably not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': I should've left Howard standing there like a yutz. Instead I let him suck me into his game. Why did I do that?
:'''Kim''': You had your reasons. 
:'''Jimmy''': I did? Like what?
:'''Kim''': Because... you know. 
:'''Jimmy''': I know...?
:'''Kim''': ''[holds Jimmy's hand]'' You know what's coming next.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo has travelled to Germany using an alias, and meets Margarethe, Werner's widow, at a bar]''
:'''Margarethe''': I knew his work was dangerous. I never imagined such a thing, but... I suppose I try not to. 
:'''Lalo''': That is terrible. What kind of accident was it?
:'''Margarethe''': A cave-in.
:'''Lalo''': Cave-in?
:'''Margarethe''': He was able to save his men. He got them out, but then... the structure collapsed.
:'''Lalo''': So your husband was a hero.
:'''Margarethe''': ''[smiles]'' He would never accept that. My Werner was too humble.
:'''Lalo''': ...And what were they building there?
:'''Margarethe''': My husband didn't talk much about his work. It was very secretive. 
:'''Lalo''': Oh... I'm sure he must have told you something. 
:'''Margarethe''': The lawyers came to my house. I asked questions, they wouldn't say much.
:'''Lalo''': ''[shakes his head]'' Lawyers.
:'''Margarethe''': They went through Werner's things. Took anything that they called, uh... Oh, how do you say it? ''[pause]'' Proprietary? I'm sorry, my English is—
:'''Lalo''': Oh, it's excellent. 
:'''Margarethe''': I didn't care about it. All the boxes of folders, his papers. Why do I need all that stuff?
:'''Lalo''': And what about your husband's men? I mean, they must have said something to you.
:'''Margarethe''': Werner loved ''deine jungs''—his boys—but I never even met them. 
:'''Lalo''': What do you mean? Not even at the funeral?
:'''Margarethe''': You'd think they would want to pay respect to the man who saved their lives. They sent flowers, keepsakes, and so on... but not one of them showed his face. 
:'''Lalo''': Wow. That is... ''[sighs]'' It's just not right.

=== ''[[w:Axe and Grind | Axe and Grind]]'' [6.06] ===
:''[Casper, one of Werner's former workers, spots Lalo approaching his home while chopping wood]''
:'''Lalo''': ''Guten tag!''
:'''Casper''': ''Guten tag.'' ''[in German]'' This is private property. Who are you looking for? Are you lost?
:'''Lalo''': ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. I don't speak any German!
:'''Casper''': ''[in English]'' Are you lost?
:'''Lalo''': It's a beautiful place you have here. The air, it's just so... ''fresh!''
:'''Casper''': ...Do I know you?
:'''Lalo''': Well, I don't think we've ''officially'' met-
:''[Casper grabs his axe and runs inside a nearby wooden shed while Lalo draws his gun. Lalo searches when he's suddenly dropped by a blow from Casper]''
:'''Casper''': Who are you?! '''''Who are you?!'''''
:'''Lalo''': ''[strained]'' Ed-Eduardo... Salamanca! I'm not here for you... This is about Fring. Guh- I want to know... I want to know what he's building.
:'''Casper''': How did you find me?
:'''Lalo''': Ma- Marga... M-Margarethe Z-Ziegler.
:'''Casper''': What have you done to her?!
:'''Lalo''': Nothing, nothing. You sent her a gi- a gift. ''[pulls out a business card and shows it to Casper]''
:'''Casper''': ''Was ist das?''
:''[Lalo's hidden a razor blade behind the card. He springs up and cuts Casper's face, then grabs his axe and cuts his foot off]''
:'''Lalo''': ''[cheerfully] Carajo!'' I think you broke one of my ribs! ''[tosses Casper his belt]'' Here. Tie that off... before you bleed to death. ''You and I are gonna have a '''talk.'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Holy shit! The Jackson Mercer Foundation, that's like... the good housekeeping seal of approval.
:'''Kim''': Well, it's not a done deal. Some of the foundation board members are flying in next week to meet the lieutenant governor at a luncheon in Santa Fe, so... they are inviting a select group of people with... Cliff called them, &quot;up-and-coming organizations,&quot; and uh... Yeah. Cliff thinks I have a good shot. 
:'''Jimmy''': A good shot? You have more than a shot! They are gonna love you on sight!
:'''Kim''': The only thing is the lunch is on D-Day.
:'''Jimmy''': So, what? That's—You don't have to be there on the day! Was Eisenhower on Omaha Beach? No. Kim, this is great, right? It's ''huge!''
:'''Kim''': ...It is pretty great! ''[laughs]''
:'''Jimmy''': Kim, this is fantastic! ''[kisses Kim]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy has Francesca call HHM and pose as a relative of a Sandpiper resident to get details about the upcoming mediation]''
:'''Jimmy''': What is the hold up?
:'''Francesca''': I just... I don't know if I'm comfortable. Is this even legal?
:'''Jimmy''': I'm sorry, which one of us went to law school? Because I can stand here and go through the ins and outs of what's quote-unquote legal with you, but we're on the clock.
:'''Francesca''': I just don't—
:'''Jimmy''': Francesca, let's get something straight, okay? We can't be holding a graduate seminar in constitutional law every time I give you something to do.
:'''Francesca''': But I—I'm not sure if—
:'''Jimmy''': You know what I'm paying you? It is above market. To whom much is given, much is expected! ''[takes out cell phone and starts dialing a number]''
:'''Francesca''': We're not gonna make a habit of this?
:'''Jimmy''': Of course not! Absolutely not. No, no, no. ''[gives phone to Francesca]'' Put it on speaker and let me... ''[moves closer]''
:'''HHM Employee #1''': Hamlin Hamlin McGill.
:'''Francesca''': Hi... there. I'm calling because my—my mother is... is—Well, I guess she's a—a client of yours. She lives in, uh, Sandpiper Assisted Living.
:'''HHM Employee #1''': Sandpiper, of course. Let me transfer you.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Francesca while she's on hold]'' It's just a phone call. 
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Good afternoon. Do you have a question about the Sandpiper case?
:'''Francesca''': ''[waits for Jimmy to nod]'' Yes. My mother's out of the facility in Amarillo. Says she's supposed to call in to some meeting on Thursday?
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Yes, you're talking about the mediation?
:'''Francesca''': That's it. The thing is, she's lost her dial-in instructions. ''[sighs nervously]'' I'm just looking everywhere and can't find them.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': I'd be happy to help you with that. It's very important to us that all the class members are fully looked in. What's your mother's name?
:'''Francesca''': ''[Tells name mouthed by Jimmy]'' Uh, Marnie Stuber. ''[watches Jimmy form the letters as she spells aloud]'' That's–that's S-T-U-B-E-R. ''[sighs nervously again when Jimmy tries to cheer her up]'' Oh, bless your heart. She'll be so relieved!
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay, it's very simple. The meeting is happening at our offices. So she just has to call the main line—the same number you called just now—press 7, and then enter the passcode. I can give that to you now. Do you have a pen?
:'''Francesca''': Uh... ''[Jimmy quickly takes out a pen]'' Y–yeah, I'm ready.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay. It's 842159. ''[Jimmy writes the numbers on his hand]'' 
:'''Francesca''': 842159?
:'''HHM Employee #2''': That's right.
:'''Francesca''': Okay! Uh, thank you so much. Really appreciate it.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Of course, take care. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[hangs up immediately]'' Was that so hard?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy sees the real Rand Casimiro at a liquor store wearing a cast that was not shown in the fake photos he shot earlier. He bolts out of there and gets in his car before being seen by the judge.]''
:'''Jimmy''': FUCK! ''[bangs on steering wheel and chuckles nervously before dialing Kim on his cell phone]''
:''[Cut to Kim driving on the highway to Santa Fe.]'' 
:'''Kim''': &quot;Ultimately, it's about equal justice, a system that works for everyone. A justice system that works for everyone, and what is more important than that?&quot; ''[hears phone ringing and answers it]'' Hey, Jimmy.
:'''Jimmy''': Flag on the play! You're not gonna believe this, but I just ran into Casimiro—the real one.
:'''Kim''': Oh, God.
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, and before you ask, he didn't shave his mustache. ''He broke his arm.'' 
:'''Kim''': Are you serious?
:'''Jimmy''': The guy has a giant cast on his left arm! And I checked all the pictures and you can see his arm in every single one of them! No cast, clear as day! 
:'''Kim''': Shit! SHIT!
:'''Jimmy''': I KNOW! I '''KNOW!''' Uh... But, hey. Hey, hey, look at it this way: If I hadn't seen him... I mean, that would've really—that really could've sunk us. Right? So, we're gonna pull the plug and we are going to live to fight another day.
:'''Kim''': ...What other day? 
:'''Jimmy''': Well, we'll figure it out. I promise, okay? So, just go. Just do your thing in Santa Fe, and we'll regroup when you get home tonight. ''[beat; Kim says nothing]'' Kim? Kim, you still there? 
:'''Kim''': Yes.
:'''Jimmy''': Did you hear what I said?
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' It happens today. 
:''[Kim quickly turns around and starts driving back to Albuquerque.]''

=== ''[[w:Plan and Execution | Plan and Execution]]'' [6.07] ===
:''[An intern at HHM, Cary, drops soda cans when he sees Howard setting up the conference room for the Sandpiper mediation]''
:'''Cary''': Uh, excuse me, Mr. Hamlin! I-I was told I should restock the fridge before the meeting.
:'''Howard''': No worries. Here, let me give you a hand.
:'''Cary''': Thank you!
:'''Howard''': Uh, you're... Gary?
:'''Cary''': Cary! Anderson.
:'''Howard''': Mm... of course. Cary. ''[sees Cary stocking the fridge with the dropped cans]'' Cary, what happens when you drop or shake a can of soda?
:'''Cary''': ...Right. ''[mimes explosion]'' I'm sorry, I'm, uh...
:'''Howard''': Here, let me show you a little trick. ''[picks up and spins a soda can]'' Something about the centrifugal force pulls the bubbles from the inside of the can, stops it from exploding. Don't want our clients to get a surprise now, do we?
:'''Cary''': That works?
:''[Howard opens the can without incident and takes a sip]''
:'''Cary''': Alright!
:'''Howard''': You know who taught me that trick? ''[points at the picture of Chuck in the conference room]'' He used to do it. Had a habit - anytime he opened a can, almost unconsciously. I asked him about it once... just his way of being prepared for anything, accidental or otherwise. 
:'''Cary''': Um, I'm sorry, I'm... kinda new here. I- I have to ask, who is that?
:'''Howard''': Charles McGill. The &quot;M&quot; in HHM. Greatest legal mind I ever knew.
:'''Cary''': Wow! I hope someone says that about me someday.
:'''Howard''': Well... maybe there are more important things.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Howard, Cliff, and the rest of the parties in the Sandpiper mediation are in the HHM conference room; Rand Casimiro is seated at the head of the table; Jimmy and Kim listen in on the meeting through a disposable cell phone in Saul Goodman's office]''
:'''Rand Casimiro:''' Hello. I know we're all anxious to get things started but you'll have to suffer through my traditional spiel, unfortunately. My name is Rand Casimiro, and I am your mediator for these proceedings. Now, I'm happy to be here. But at the end, hopefully all of you in the room and those listening from various locations ''won't'' be happy with me. And why do I say that? Because the best solutions mean compromise. It's compromise from both sides. That's my goal. But as my wife always says, compromising doesn't mean I'm right and she's wrong. ''[chuckles]'' So, let us move forward—
:'''Howard:''' ''Hmph.''
:''[Everyone in the conference room turns to Howard]''
:'''Cliff:''' ...Howard?
:'''Howard:''' I-I'm... Wow. ''[pause]'' I'm... I'm sorry. I don't think we can proceed with these negotiations today.
:'''Rich:''' Why not?
:'''Howard:''' Well, let's just say, circumstances beyond any of our control.
:'''Rich:''' Well, I'm going to have to insist that you be more specific.
:'''Howard:''' Well, our mediator here keeps using the word &quot;compromise&quot; when ''he'', in fact, is compromised.
:'''Casimiro:''' I beg your pardon?
:'''Howard:''' I think you heard me.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...?
:'''Howard:''' You drive a silver Miata, correct? 
:'''Casimiro:''' I do.
:'''Howard:''' And this morning, around 7 a.m., you walked across Trumbull Park in town?
:'''Casimiro:''' No. 
:'''Howard:''' You didn't stop at the park this morning?
:'''Casimiro:''' I didn't. I got to Albuquerque early, not at 7 a.m. And I didn't go to a park.
:'''Howard:''' You sure?
:'''Cliff:''' Howard, if the judge says he's sure, then I&amp;ndash;
:'''Casimiro:''' Of course I'm sure! If it matters, I arrived in town about ten, I stopped at a gas station, I went by a liquor store and bought a gift. I had a lunch salad and a very nice latté from the Flying Star on Menaul. I read ''[[w:Barron's_(newspaper)|Barron's]]''. Then came here.
:'''Howard:''' ''Mmmm''. So you weren't in town to visit our mutual acquaintance, James Morgan McGill? Or maybe you know him as &quot;Saul Goodman&quot;. 
:'''Casimiro:''' I don't know anyone by either of those names.
:'''Howard:''' Okay. You want to go that way? ''[to his secretary]'' Julie, go to my desk, please. There's an envelope with photos. Bring it to me quickly.
:'''Julie:''' Oh. Okay. ''[leaves]''
:'''Cliff:''' Howard, can we have a sidebar&amp;ndash;?
:'''Casimiro:''' I'm sorry. These photos &amp;ndash; these are photos of me? 
:'''Howard:''' They show exactly what I'm describing.
:'''Casimiro:''' You were following me?
:'''Howard:''' I had a private investigator following Jimmy McGill. You were photographed receiving what I estimate to be a $20,000 payoff this morning in the park.
:'''Rich:''' I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is just&amp;ndash; ''[sighs; to Howard]'' You recommended this judge as a mediator and we agreed. And now... ''Jimmy?'' Jimmy McGill &amp;ndash; who originated this suit &amp;ndash; is ''what?'' 
:'''Howard:''' A-admittedly, it all sounds a bit baroque. But when you see the photos, things will be clearer.
:'''Casimiro:''' Well, I'm looking forward to that.
:''[long pause; Julie enters the room with the envelope]''
:'''Julie:''' I have the pictures, Mr. Hamlin. 
:'''Howard:''' Thank you, Julie. ''[opens the envelope]'' And now, take a look.
:''[Howard looks at the photos with Cliff, Schweikart, Casimiro, Irene and Julie looking behind him. Instead of an actor dressed as Casimiro as he had seen earlier, the photos show Jimmy sitting at a park bench exchanging a frisbee with the Sound Guy, dressed as a jogger]''
:'''Casimiro:''' ...Is that supposed to be ''me''?
:'''Howard:''' I, uh... This is... This is not... Julie, you got the wrong envelope.
:'''Julie:''' That was the only one on your desk.
:'''Howard:''' Look again!
:''[Julie leaves]''
:'''Howard:''' They-they've been switched. Somehow he switched them.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...
:'''Howard:''' No. Jimmy &amp;ndash; he snuck in somehow, and these are not the pictures I saw.
:''[Howard turns to Erin, who notices that his pupils are now dilated]''
:'''Erin:''' Mr. Hamlin, are you all right? Your eyes...
:'''Howard:''' ''[agitated]'' I am fine! This is all something that will be sorted out, I am confident!
:''[Cliff rises and guides Howard out of his seat]''
:'''Cliff:''' I think a recess is in order.
:'''Howard:''' Nobody move! Evidence has been tampered with!
:'''Cliff:''' Now Howard, please!
:''[Howard and Cliff leave the conference room. Everyone left behind is stunned silent]''
:'''Irene:''' ...Is this how these usually go?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Cliff confronts Howard in his office after the fiasco in the conference room]''
:'''Howard:''' Cliff? Is that you? I'm not crazy, and I'm not on drugs. Please, come in. Now somehow, some way, that son of a bitch gave me something that dilated my pupils. I-I don't know what. But it's wearing off already, look. ''[gestures toward his eyes]'' 
:'''Cliff:''' You say that Jimmy McGill drugged you? How is that possible?
:'''Howard:''' The-the photos. They were wet with... ''something''.
:'''Cliff:''' The missing photos.
:'''Howard:''' Yeah. My P.I., Genidowski, had to have been in on it. He-he must have shown me one set of photos and then switched them after I left the office. 
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...
:'''Howard:''' Three weeks ago, Julie got a call from our detective agency. They wanted to update their contact info, so of course she changed the number in the system. But it turns out, it wasn't them. That was Jimmy. So when I needed an investigator to follow Jimmy, I called his fake number and his fake man. She just dialed the old number and, of course, got the actual agency. And, no surprise, no one by the name of Genidowski had ever worked there. I hired a con man. I got played. Every step of the way. I know what it sounds like, but you have to believe me.
:'''Cliff:''' I... It doesn't matter. Rich went back to the previous offer. I'll give a recommend to the class that we take it.
:'''Howard:''' No. No way. We do not let Jimmy win this.
:'''Cliff:''' Why would Jimmy even do this? He's a profit participant! This means less money for him!
:'''Howard:''' Because he's a child! He wants his money now! He begged me months ago to settle! You know what he does!
:'''Cliff:''' Whatever the truth is, we'll never get back to where we were before mediation. We have to settle.
:'''Howard:''' I'm lead attorney. And I won't sanction that decision.
:'''Cliff:''' Then I'm obligated to go to the partners and explain everything I've seen &amp;ndash; all of it. You think you're gonna be able to convince them it was all Jimmy McGill?
:'''Howard:''' ...Okay then. We go to trial. Cliff, this case is incredibly strong. I put this thing in front of a jury, then everything will&amp;ndash;
:'''Cliff:''' I'm not thinking about you, Howard. I'm not thinking about Jimmy. I'm thinking about the time, the expense, the uncertainty. I'm thinking about our clients!
:''[Howard bows his head in defeat.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo records a video message for Eladio while he's hiding in the sewers surveilling Gus' laundromat. The dialogue switches between Spanish and English.]''
:'''Lalo''': Don Eladio. Guess who?  It's Lalo, I'm alive! ''[chuckles]'' I'm here in beautiful downtown Albuquerque. ''[pans the camera around his belongings]'' Been here... four nights? Now, you may be asking, &quot;What am I doing down in this shithole?&quot; Well, [[w:Axe and Grind|a little Croatian bird told me a secret]]. Eh, he put up a hell of a fight, but he told me. Look. ''[points the camera at his target, Lavanderia Brilliante]'' See that? Right there... Fring's secret. Now, I've been watching and Fring hides his guards very well, but they're there, dressed like laundry workers. ''[zooms in on one &quot;worker&quot;]'' See? That's one there. They're hiding guns under the uniforms, but I see. I have a pretty good idea of what I'm up against. ''[points the camera back at himself]'' I can tell you what's in there. A big hole where a German engineer, Werner Ziegler, designed the perfect place to hide the... ''[in English]'' &quot;mother of all meth labs.&quot; ''[in Spanish]'' Well, that's my story. And Fring? Fring will have his story, a good one, and Bolsa will back him because he's an... ''[in English]'' &quot;earner.&quot; ''[in Spanish]'' So tonight, I go in... kill all the guards and show you the proof. And then? You decide... ''Adios.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim are watching a movie in Kim's apartment when they hear a knock at the door. It's revealed to be Howard, disheveled and holding a bottle of Macallan scotch whisky.]''
:'''Howard:''' Can I come in? 
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah. Come on.
:'''Howard:''' Kim.
:'''Kim:''' Howard. You doing okay?
:'''Howard:''' I'm fine. Sorry to interrupt this, but I brought you a gift.
:'''Jimmy:''' A gift? What's the occasion?
:'''Howard:''' Your brother and I, we always had a meeting with Mr. Macallan after a big victory. Usually some brilliant summation by Chuck, that goes without saying. So this, this is for you. You earned it. You won.
:'''Jimmy:''' Won? Uh, what did I win?
:'''Howard:''' ''[pause]'' I get it. Of course you both have to play it this way. You're both so very good at it. 
:'''Kim:''' It's late, Howard. Do you want to tell us what this is about?
:'''Howard:''' I was wondering that too. ''[walks to the kitchen]'' What it's all about. I mean, what do you tell yourselves? What justification makes it okay? &quot;Howard's such an asshole that he deserves it?&quot; ''[offers two glasses to Jimmy and Kim]'' 
:'''Jimmy:''' We're good.
:'''Howard:''' So, what is it? I sided with Chuck too often? ''[points to Kim]'' I took away your office, put you in doc review? All of the above? Howard's daddy helped him get to the top, but you both had to struggle. &quot;Howie has so much and we have so little, let's take him down a peg or two.&quot; What allows you to do this to me? Because this isn't just a prank. No. This goes beyond [[w:Namaste (Better Call Saul)|throwing bowling balls on my car]]. This took planning, coordination. I mean, how many weeks? Or-or-or was it months? It couldn't have been easy. So tell me, why? Why go through this elaborate plot just to burn me to the ground?
:'''Jimmy:''' &quot;Burn you to the ground?&quot; Howard, come on. Y-you'll be fine. You always land on your feet.
:'''Howard:''' Yeah, sure. The Sandpiper settlement—HHM's share will be substantial, absolutely. Even though I humiliated myself. And my clients and peers will whisper that Howard Hamlin's a drug addict. You're right. I've worked my way through worse. Debt. Depression. My marriage falling apart.
:''[Jimmy blinks in surprise. He and Kim exchange looks]''
:'''Howard:''' Oh, yeah. Been sleeping in the guest house for the better part of a year. Just one more thing that good ol' Howard has to work through. But yes, I will land on my feet. I will be okay. But you? Far from it. You two... you two are soulless. Jimmy, you can't help yourself. Chuck knew it. You were ''born'' that way. ''[to Kim]'' But you—one of the smartest and most promising human beings I've ever known, and ''this'' is the life you choose. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright, you're too tight to drive, I'm calling a cab—
:'''Howard:''' Oh good, phony compassion. And you know what? Very, very believable. But I'm far from done.
:'''Kim:''' Oh no no no. You are done, Howard. Sorry, but you need to stop this now and you need to go home.
:'''Howard:''' You're perfect for each other. You have a piece missing. I-I-I thought you did it for the money, but it-it—Now it's so clear. Screw the money, you did it for fun! You get off on it! You're like [[w:Leopold and Loeb|Leopold and Loeb]], two sociopaths—
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright, that's enough.
:'''Howard:''' Oh, you know it's true, you just don't have the guts to admit it.
:'''Kim:''' Great. Now you need to go.
:'''Howard:''' I'm gonna make it clear to everyone, because I'm going to dedicate my life to making sure that everybody knows the truth. Believe it. You can't hide who you really are forever.
:''[Jimmy reflexively shields Kim as Lalo Salamanca enters the room; Jimmy is stunned]''
:'''Jimmy:''' How...
:''[Howard turns around and see Lalo, who non-chalantly stands next to him]''
:'''Kim:''' H-Howard... Howard. Howard, you need to leave.
:'''Howard:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Who are you?
:'''Lalo:''' Me? Nobody. I just need to talk to my lawyers.
:'''Howard:''' ''[scoffs]'' Oh, is that right? You want some advice? Find better lawyers.
:'''Kim:''' Howard, please j-just... just... just turn around—
:'''Lalo:''' No, no, no, no, no. Take your time.
:'''Howard:''' ''[to Kim]'' What's this about? 
:''[Lalo calmly takes a pistol out of his pocket and screws a silencer onto the muzzle]''
:'''Kim:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Please... please, just tell us what you want.
:'''Lalo:''' ''[shrugs]'' Like I said. To talk.
:'''Howard:''' I, uh... I think I'm in the middle of something, uh... There's really no need to—
:''[Lalo puts the gun to Howard's head and pulls the trigger; Howard falls onto the floor, killed instantly. Jimmy and Kim scream.]''
:'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Please, no!''
:'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''No! No!''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[holds out his hand to quiet them down]'' ''Shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh.'' Okay. Let's talk.

=== ''[[w:Point and Shoot (Better Call Saul) | Point and Shoot]]'' [6.08] ===
:''[Jimmy and Kim are cowering in terror when Lalo forces them to sit on their couch]''
:'''Jimmy''': I never turned on you. I didn't. I only worked for you in the desert. I was on your side the whole time.
:'''Lalo''': Shhh. ''[motions for Jimmy to sit down with his gun]'' I don't care. You two... ''[chuckles; shakes his head]'' God, you two and your mouths! ''Dios mío!'' Now, ''you listen.'' ''[tosses car keys to Jimmy]'' My car's downstairs. Press the clicker, and you'll find it. This... ''[holds up small piece of paper]'' is where you are going. Don't speed, don't weave, don't cut anyone off. Just, you know, drive nice. From here, ''[checks watch]'' at this hour... I'd take 40 east, get off at Carlisle, take the third left. The rest I drew a little map for you on the back. It's not hard. So... big white brick house with a solid black door. You can't miss it. It's right at the end of the T. Park a little down the street and not up front. It's a quiet neighborhood, so you'll have plenty of options. Stating the obvious here maybe, but... turn the car off, right? So, in the glove compartment, I left you a present. There's a camera and there's a gun. And you're gonna need both.
:'''Jimmy''': A gun?
:'''Lalo''': Yeah, yeah, yeah. But don't worry. I mean, it's–it's easy. It's a revolver. It's already loaded, no safety—it's idiot proof. So, you go up to that house, you walk right up to that black door. Don't run. Just be casual, like a stroll, you know? Keep the gun somewhere behind you where they can't see it. You ring the bell, you count to three, you step back. They look through the peephole, you're as innocent as can be. Door opens, you point... and you shoot. And you keep on pulling that trigger until it's empty. ''[pause]'' Simple. 
:'''Jimmy''': You–you want me to—?!
:'''Lalo''': I know, I know. ''[casually nudges Howard's dead body with his foot]'' You're a lawyer, and you're not a killer. But look, you can do this, okay? This guy, he's a housecat! Black, medium height, short hair, glasses! He kinda looks like a librarian... but don't be fooled. Even a housecat can scratch. So, that's it. Hard part's over. Now, you pull out the camera. Same principle as the gun: Point and shoot. Take a picture. One where I can see the face ''clearly''... and then you bring it back here where, me and Mrs. Goodman will be waiting for you. And then you're done! I'd say it's about a twenty minute drive over there... ''[Jimmy looks nervously at Kim]'' twenty minutes back. Maybe ten minutes to do the job. Let's go with an hour altogether. So, you're back here in an hour, or—
:''[Jimmy forcibly turns on the Saul Goodman charm]''
:'''Jimmy''': Send her.
:'''Kim''': ...What?! 
:'''Jimmy''': She should do it.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy...
:'''Lalo''': ''[pause]'' Why her? 
:'''Kim''': ''[whispers to Jimmy]'' Don't do this.
:'''Jimmy''': This guy, the–the housecat.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy, please.
:'''Jimmy''': He looks through his peephole... 
:'''Kim''': ''Please.''
:'''Jimmy''': ...in the middle of the night, and he sees me? &quot;Who's this asshole? What's he doing?&quot; Maybe–maybe he gets ''his'' gun, maybe he calls the cops. Either way, that door stays shut. But he sees a woman...
:'''Kim''': No.
:'''Jimmy''': ...she looks like she's in distress. Maybe her car broke down. ''[chuckles]'' I mean, you'd open the door for her, wouldn't you?
:'''Kim''': Stop! Stop!
:'''Lalo''': Yeah, but... she's really clever. I don't know if she's gonna stick to the plan.
:'''Jimmy''': She will.
:'''Kim''': No, no, no.
:'''Jimmy''': No cops. You know she will.
:'''Kim''': No. No, this... This doesn't even make any sense! I–I–I've never shot a gun before! I've never even held one!  
:'''Jimmy''': Like I have.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy, what are you doing?! 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo while pointing at Kim]'' You know she's the best choice.
:'''Kim''': No, I'm not! I don't—I can't! I can't do it! 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo]'' She can do it. You know she can do it!
:'''Kim''': No! Jimmy, I'll stay! Stop! Just stop! 
:'''Jimmy''': You know I'm right! Listen! 
:'''Kim''': Stop it! Shut up! 
:'''Jimmy''': Listen! 
:'''Kim''': SHUT UP!
:'''Lalo''': ''[rolls his eyes]'' Oh, my God! Okay, fine! Yeah, heard! Whatever. Give her the keys, give her the address. Let's go. ''[walks toward the front door]'' 
:'''Kim''': ''[to Jimmy]'' No. Don't... Don't.
:'''Jimmy''': You... you gotta go.
:'''Kim''': ''[softly]'' Don't do this.
:'''Jimmy''': Come on. Hey... ''[whispering]'' Let's go.
:''[Kim reluctantly gets up and is about to leave the apartment, but Lalo stops her]''
:'''Lalo''': Hold on. ''[pause; Kim looks at him]'' You're gonna need your shoes, right? 
:''[Kim stares at Jimmy while she puts her shoes on]'' 
:'''Lalo''': There you go! Okay, ''[looks at watch]'' so one hour starting... now. Clock's ticking, Mrs. Goodman.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo ties Jimmy to a chair while interrogating him about the assassination attempt at his hacienda]'' 
:'''Lalo''': You know, after I saw you last, I went home. My home. ''Mi cielito lindo''... And you know what happened? Men came. Armed men, in the middle of the night. To my home. Trying to get to me. And you know what they did? They killed people I care about. They killed my cook. My gardener. A seventeen-year-old kid I knew since he was knee-high. Never hurt a fly. Butchered my housekeeper, Yolanda. ''Una viejita, cabrón.'' They shot her in the back. 
:'''Jimmy''': ...I'm sorry.
:'''Lalo''': Now, how did these men... get into my home? Do you know? 
:'''Jimmy''': I... I have–I have no idea.
:'''Lalo''': Ignacio Varga. ''He'' let them in. And who did Ignacio introduce me to? ''[taps Jimmy's head]'' You.
:'''Jimmy''': Ignacio... Nacho? ''[brief pause]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa! I–I barely know Ignacio! Whatever he did, he did alone! Not with me! Listen, you gotta believe me! Hand to God, I had no part in this—it wasn't me! ''It was '''Igna—''''' 
:''[Lalo sneaks up from behind and gags Jimmy with a rolled-up shirt]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[through the gag]'' Ignacio! It's not me! Listen, listen! I–I don't know about...
:'''Lalo''': Save it. ''[looks Jimmy in the eyes]'' I'm gonna come back. And then you... are gonna tell me ''the whole story.''
:''[Before leaving the apartment, Lalo presses play on the movie Jimmy and Kim were watching earlier and turns up the volume. He picks up Jimmy's car keys by the front door.]''
:'''Lalo''': Ford Taurus... taupe? ''[rolls eyes and shakes his head before leaving]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike disarms Kim and forces her inside Gus' house before she can shoot. Gus watches Mike question her through surveillance monitors at his neighbors' residence.]''
:'''Kim''': What are you doing?! I–I have to go! I have to—No, wait! 
:'''Mike''': Ms. Wexler, I'd like you to sit down.
:'''Kim''': He'll–He'll kill him! You have to... You—
:'''Mike''': Now, sit there and be calm!
:'''Kim''': No, I have to get back! ''I have to get back!''
:'''Mike''': ''[restrains her and forces her back down]'' Sit ''still''... and stay calm. Now, if you take a deep breath—a ''deep'' breath—nothing's gonna happen here until you calm yourself. Alright? Now, who is killing who?
:'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca! Lalo is going to kill Jimmy! ''[Mike looks shocked]'' He's there! He–he is there with Jimmy now!
:'''Mike''': Salamanca is at your apartment?!
:'''Kim''': Yes! He sent ''me!'' He–he wanted to send Jimmy, but then he sent me.
:'''Mike''': To do what exactly?! ''[pause; Kim hyperventilates]'' Ms. Wexler, you stay with me! What were you supposed to do here?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat; points at a man who looks identical to Gus]'' Shoot him. I'm–I'm supposed to shoot him, and then take a photo, and then get back. That's it. I only have twenty minutes left! Please! ''[Mike quickly looks and nods at one of his guys]'' He is ''alone'' with him!
:'''Mike''': Alright, stay put. We'll handle this. We ''will'' handle this. ''[to Victor]'' You call Tyrus. Get him to the condo ''now.''
:'''Kim''': You said you were watching us! WHERE WERE YOU?! HUH?! ''[Mike leaves]'' '''WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!''' 
:''[Kim tries to get up, but Victor stands in her way and forces her to sit down again]'' 
:'''Victor''': You heard what the man said.
:''[Mike walks through the corridor connecting the two homes and reports to Gus.]''
:'''Mike''': You heard all that? ''[Gus nods]'' Alright. You hunker down here. ''[to two bodyguards]'' You two, you stay with him. A dog barks too loud, you are on the phone with me. ''[to Arthur and Tyrus]'' You two, come with me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After growing restless over Lalo's whereabouts, Gus calls Victor and asks him to speak to Kim about Lalo]''
:'''Gus''': Why did Lalo send you?
:'''Kim''': Who is this? 
:'''Victor''': Answer him. ''[points behind him]''
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' He didn't want to send me. Not at first. He wanted to send my husband... but my husband talked him out of it because he wanted to get me out of there.
:'''Gus''': He... talked Lalo out of it?
:'''Kim''': That's right. ''[pause]'' Now that I've told you everything I know, please tell me. Tell me who—
:''[Gus hangs up the phone and looks at his bodyguards]'' 
:'''Gus''': Come with me. Both of you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo records another video message for Don Eladio while holding Gus at gunpoint at the laundromat. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Lalo:''' Don Eladio, look who we have here. The one and only Gustavo Fring. [''chuckles''] And wearing body armor! Too bad they don't make armor for your head, eh? Now we're gonna take a little walk and show you around. ''Vamanos''. [''clicks tongue''] Don, I would've liked it if we didn't have to rush this so much. We could sit by your pool... strip this snake's skin off, inch by inch. Take our time, have some fun. But he shows up now... who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth? 
:''[Gus stops at one of the large washers]''
:'''Lalo:''' A big machine hides a big secret. We have about... thirteen minutes until his bald ''gringo'' gets here with the cavalry, so Gustavo is going to have to give us the nickel tour. ''[beat; shoots Gus in the chest]'' Like I was saying, Gustavo is going to show us around. 
:''[Gus walks around and pushes a button, which opens the secret passage to the underground meth lab]'' 
:'''Lalo:''' ''Ha!'' Magnificent! I had a bathtub that did this, but... credit where credit is due, this is better. ''[laughs]'' ''Hijo de puta''. 
:''[Gus leads Lalo down a ladder and turns on the lights]''
:'''Lalo:''' [''chuckles; in English''] Okay. Drumroll, please. ''D-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r''... Ta-da! ''[laughs]'' ''Cadenza de wow'', no? ''[in Spanish]'' Don Eladio, I've heard some stories about this place. It took a bunch of German engineers ten months to build all of this. They used two hundred pounds of high explosive. Dug out 120,000 cubic meters of dirt and rock. And all... without disturbing the laundry up there. In the middle of a city with a million people! That's pretty badass, right? 
:''[Gus trips and falls to the ground when Lalo pushes his pistol against his back]''
:'''Lalo''': One moment, Don. ''[puts the camcorder between his teeth as he switches the magazines of his pistol]'' Think of the laboratory you could put here, Don Eladio. ''Eh?'' How much meth you could make... that was his plan. Cut you out to become boss. And now here we are, in this big hole! ''[cackles]'' Gustavo thought he was building an empire, but all he built himself was a tomb. 
:'''Gus:''' You can't kill me.
:'''Lalo:''' Why not?
:'''Gus:''' I haven't told that fat pig Eladio what I think of him yet. 
:'''Lalo:''' ''Hoo-hoo!'' Perfect! You've got one minute. 
:'''Gus:''' Eladio... you greasy, bloated pimp. You talk of honor. But you have none. A pack of stray dogs fighting for scraps has more honor. Jackals. That's all you are! No vision. No patience. No thought. Stupid and impulsive! That is how I did all this. You couldn't see it, couldn't even conceive of it. And you Salamancas... you're the worst vermin of all. You say you believe in &quot;blood for blood&quot; but you only understand blood for money! You're whores!  ''[in English]'' I understand blood for blood. Hector? Yeah, I kept him alive. Kept him broken. I will save him to the last. Before he dies, he will know '''''I''' buried every one of you.'' 
:'''Lalo:''' ''[sniggers]'' Big talk. You done?
:'''Gus:''' No. Not yet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy:''' Lalo said he was coming back.
:'''Mike:''' He's not coming.
:'''Jimmy:''' No, he said he was, he told me—
:'''Mike:''' You understand me? He is ''not coming back.'' Let's sit. ''[pause; Jimmy and Kim remain standing]'' '''''SIT.'''''
:''[Jimmy and Kim sit at the foot of their bed; Mike stands in front of them.]''
:'''Mike:''' Alright. Here's what's gonna happen: In a few days, Howard Hamlin's car will be found several states away by the water. The odometer will have rolled to the exact number of miles it took to get there. There will be cocaine in the upholstery. That was the story you were setting up for this guy, yeah? They'll call it a suicide, hoping the body will come washing up. It never will. At some point, you're gonna hear about it. Someone calls you, someone at the courthouse mentions it—the moment that happens—you call the cops. His car was here for hours last night. Good chance somebody noticed it. That means you are the last people to see him alive. Cops are gonna want to hear from you. You tell the cops you saw him—he came here, seemed like maybe he was chemically altered, didn't make a lick of sense. Then he left, that's all you know. You keep telling the lie you've been telling. Now, Ms. Wexler tells me she has court at ten. What's on your docket? ''[Jimmy doesn't answer]'' Hey. ''Listen.'' Where do you need to be?
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh, office. At my office. Clients start showing up around 9:30. ''Oh'', my car is gone.
:'''Mike:''' No. It's on the way home, you'll have it when you need it. So you two are going to go about your day—normal, same as ever. Today, you're Meryl Streep and Laurence Olivier. No staring into space, nothing out of the ordinary, you ''cover.'' Anybody talks to you, it's just another day that ends in Y, that's all. When you get home, we'll be gone and everything will be back the way it was. Now, I need to impress upon you: none of this ever happened. None of it. Understand? Say it out loud, I need to hear it.
:'''Jimmy:''' ...I understand.
:'''Kim:''' ...It never happened.

=== ''[[w:Fun and Games (Better Call Saul) | Fun and Games]]'' [6.09] ===
:'''Jimmy''': One day, we'll... We'll wake up, and brush our teeth, and we'll go to work. And at some point, we'll suddenly realize... [[w:Bad Choice Road | that we hadn't thought about it at all. None of it]]. ''[pause]'' And that's when we'll know. We'll know we can forget.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gus meets with Don Eladio, Juan Bolsa, and the Salamancas late at night. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Eladio''': Don Hector has made a very serious accusation. 
:''[One of the Cousins hands a letter to Don Juan]'' 
:'''Bolsa''': These are Don Hector's words. Dictated to Leonel and Marco, letter by letter. &quot;The assault on my nephew's hacienda failed. Lalo fought the assassins and won. The day after the attack, Lalo called me. I heard the truth from his own lips. It was Fring who sent the mercenaries, not the Peruvians. We kept Lalo's survival a secret. My nephew was about to take his revenge on the traitor, face-to-face. Instead, he disappeared. It is the Chicken Man's doing. Don Eladio, look into Fring's eyes. There you will see the truth. The Chicken Man hates you. He is our enemy. He plots against us. I demand blood for blood.&quot;
:''[Bolsa folds the letter and sits back down]''
:'''Eladio''': Well, Gustavo?
:'''Gus''': ''[pause]'' I have no response.
:'''Bolsa''': Gustavo, you must speak. Have you no defense?
:'''Gus''': With all due respect, I don't believe this merits a response.
:'''Eladio''': Did you witness these phone calls from Lalo? ''[Leonel and Marco shake their heads]'' I was told you saw Lalo's body.
:'''Leonel''': Yes.
:'''Marco''': It was burned.
:'''Eladio''': Didn't the ''federales'' check the teeth?
:'''Bolsa''': Yes, Don Eladio. My brother tells me the dental records matched. 
:'''Eladio''': And that rat, Varga... What did he say before he died?
:'''Bolsa''': He said he was in the pay of the Peruvians, Los Odios. We know he took their money, we found bank statements.
:'''Eladio''': ''[beat; looks at his watch]'' Well... It's late. Don Hector... Since you've come a long way, tonight you sleep in my bed. ''[Hector angrily rings his bell repeatedly in protest]'' No, I insist. No arguing. I'm giving you my room. Very comfortable. And who knows? Maybe a couple of the girls will come to visit! ''[pause; Hector continues ringing his bell]'' Please. ''[Leonel and Marco carry Hector by his wheelchair and leave]'' Good night, Hector. Sleep well. ''[to Gus]'' I'd invite you to stay as well, Gustavo, but... I don't want my breakfast ruined by all the... ''[mocks Hector ringing his bell and laughs]'' Ay-yay-yay. ''[beat]'' The peace must be kept. What do you suggest?
:'''Gus''': I wouldn't presume.
:'''Eladio''': The South Valley will stay Salamanca territory. And the rest of the North, that'll be for you to manage. Working under Bolsa.
:'''Bolsa''': Thank you, Don Eladio.
:'''Gus''': ''[rises with Eladio out of his chair]'' Thank you. Your trust means everything, Don Eladio.
:'''Eladio''': ''Bueno.'' Gustavo... ''[long pause]'' When I looked into your eyes... Hate. A little bit's okay. As long as you never forget who's boss. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike meets with Nacho's father outside his shop to let him know about Nacho's fate]''
:'''Manuel''': Who are you?
:'''Mike''': It's not important.
:'''Manuel''': I saw you here before. [[w:Cobbler (Better Call Saul)|Chrysler Fifth Avenue]]. What about my son?
:'''Mike''': I'm sorry, he won't be found. ''[pause]'' It was over fast. No pain.
:'''Manuel''': You were there?
:'''Mike''': I was there. Your son made some mistakes, he fell in with bad people... but he was never like them. Not really. He had a good heart. One more thing: you won't have to worry about the Salamancas. Their day is coming. There'll be justice.
:'''Manuel''': Justice?
:'''Mike''': I'm sorry, my Spanish - j-''justicia.'' Justice.
:'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' What you talk about... is not justice. What you talk of is... ''revenge.'' It never ends... my boy is gone. ''[scoffs, speaks in Spanish]'' You gangsters and your &quot;justice.&quot; You're all the same.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim approach Cliff and Howard's widow, Cheryl, at a memorial reception in the offices of HHM.]''
:'''Kim:''' Cliff.
:'''Cliff:''' Kim, Jimmy.
:'''Cheryl:''' Kim, hi.
:''[Jimmy extends his hand to Cheryl; she doesn't take it]''
:'''Jimmy:''' Hi, Cheryl. I'm Jimmy McGill. You may not remember me. I'm Chuck McGill's brother.
:'''Cheryl:''' Of course.
:'''Jimmy:''' Very sorry for your loss. ''[sighs]''
:'''Kim:''' Cheryl, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. If Jimmy and I can do anything for you or your family, please just say the word.
:''[Jimmy and Kim are about to walk away]''
:'''Cheryl:''' There is something, actually. You two were the last ones to see him, weren't you?
:'''Kim:''' Um...
:'''Jimmy:''' I guess so. Uh, that's what the police said.
:'''Cheryl:''' Howard told me that you were harassing him, playing elaborate pranks of some sort. That you wouldn't leave him alone.
:'''Jimmy:''' I know he thought that. He—he—he told me as well. Um, I think he honestly believed it.
:'''Cheryl:''' But you're denying it.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' You know what, I didn't leave here under the best terms. The past few years, I could have been more considerate to Howard instead of yitzing him every chance I got. I guess, uh, there was a certain amount of jealousy on my part because Howard had the, uh, respect of my brother. Which I never did. ''[Jimmy steps away]''
:'''Cheryl:''' Tell me what you told the police. 
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' Okay, um... Well, I mean, it was 11pm. Howard started pounding on our door. He was very upset, going on about something, um, he thought was my fault, uh... Guess it had to do with the Sandpiper case. But I—I couldn't make head or tail out of it. We tried to calm him down. But... he just—he just wouldn't, um... Finally, he left. That's—that's it.
:'''Cheryl:''' I'm not oblivious. I know people are saying he was on drugs. Is that what you're trying to tell me?
:'''Jimmy:''' I just... He just didn't seem like himself.
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' Are you hearing all of this? Because none of it makes sense to me. 
:'''Cliff:''' Cheryl, maybe we should just—
:'''Cheryl:''' I don't care what people are saying. I don't care what the police think. Howard was not on drugs. That simply is not true. There's something more to this. 
:'''Kim:''' I don't know if it's my place, but... I—I...
:'''Cheryl:''' Please. Just spit it out. ''[sharply inhales]''
:'''Kim:''' ''[sighs]'' It was about a year-and-a-half ago. I was still an associate here, working late on a brief. And I saw a light on in Howard's office. I assumed the cleaning crew left it on by mistake. And I was sure that office was empty, so I didn't knock.
:'''Cheryl:''' ...And?
:'''Kim:''' And Howard was there at his desk, head down. And he was snorting something. 
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[scoffs]''
:'''Kim:''' I looked at him. He looked at me. I didn't know what to do, so I just walked out. And the next morning, when we saw each other, neither of us ever said anything about it. I never told anyone. But now I wish I had. 
:''[Long pause]''
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' In all the years that you worked with him, have you witnessed anything like this? Even a hint? Cliff...
:'''Cliff:''' I... Cheryl, this really isn't the time or the place.
:''[Cheryl begins to cry]''
:'''Kim:''' Cheryl. You were his wife. You saw him every day. You knew him better than anyone. Maybe I misunderstood what I saw. You would have known. 
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[voice breaking]'' Please excuse me.
:''[Cheryl retreats into a women's restroom]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kim and her client are sitting in a courtroom as the presiding judge, Gabriel Dearden, takes the bench]''
:'''Bailiff:''' All rise. Court is now in session, the Honorable Judge Dearden presiding.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Good afternoon. We are here to discuss a motion to exclude evidence in ''State of New Mexico vs. Yarborough''. 
:'''Kim:''' ''[rises]'' Your honor, if I may. I submitted an additional motion. I'm assuming you have not seen it yet.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Did we get that?
:'''Secretary:''' It just came in, judge.
:''[The secretary approaches the bench and hands the motion to Judge Dearden]''
:'''Kim:''' I apologize, it was a last-minute addition. 
:'''Judge Dearden:''' &quot;Last minute&quot; is right. ''[looking through the motion]'' 
:''[Pause]''
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ...Do I understand this correctly? You're requesting to withdraw from this case?
:'''Kim:''' Yes, your honor. My client is fully informed. And I've already been in touch with another attorney, Paige Novick. She's highly qualified and familiar with the case. She's prepared to step if you'll allow it.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Ms. Wexler, Mr. Orenstein, approach the bench.
:''[Kim and the prosecutor do so]''
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[to Kim]'' Ms. Wexler, we are here today at your insistence to consider your motion to exclude evidence. And this is the moment you choose to withdraw?
:'''Kim:''' It was unavoidable.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' May I ask why?
:'''Kim:''' Personal reasons, your honor.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' &quot;Personal reasons.&quot; Are we talking about a health issue, something to do with a loved one?
:'''Kim:''' No.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you rather discuss privately in chambers?
:'''Kim:''' Thank you for the consideration, but no.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you care to supply any detail at all?
:'''Kim:''' Your honor, I prefer not to.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[pause; to Orenstein]'' ...Mr. Orenstein, is the state prepared to discuss Ms. Wexler's motion?
:'''Orenstein:''' We are, your honor. Absolutely.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' You know what, Ms. Wexler? Mr. Orenstein's here. I'm here. We all showed up for your party, and now you're taking away the punch bowl. I'm inclined to have you argue your motion, then I'll consider later writing petitions. 
:'''Kim:''' I'm sorry for wasting the court's time, your honor, but it's impossible for me to continue with this hearing.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' And why is that, Ms. Wexler?
:'''Kim:''' Because I'm no longer an attorney. 
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[brief pause]'' ...I'm sorry, what?
:'''Kim:''' I gave notice to the bar two hours ago.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy arrives home after hearing the news that Kim has quit her legal career]''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''You did what?!'' Why?! ''WHY?!'' Alright, alright, I know why. But Kim, you can't just—
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy, I—
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Shhh!'' Just let me say my piece, okay? Just—Let's take a breath here! Kim, after everything that happened... I mean, Jesus! I get it! You want to climb out of your own skin! That's natural! But Kim, you don't just throw everything away! Th-th-this is your life! You're a lawyer! What about your clients, huh? What about, uh... that poor guy, Mr. Yarborough? What about the kid in foster care? Huh?! You give them everything you got! Who are they going to find who is half as good as you?! No one! They need you!
:'''Kim:''' It's already done.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Ugh!'' ''[pause]'' Okay, what's done can be undone. All I'm saying is just—just let's take a week or two to think it over. For now, we're gonna take some time off. God knows we need it. We're gonna to find a new place, we're—we're gonna leave here. We're never, ever gonna come back here again. Okay? We're gonna—we're gonna put it behind us! Things will look brighter! I guarantee it! But first we have to fix this. So we're gonna go back to the hotel room, and you're gonna write letters. You're gonna write a letter to the bar, you're gonna write letters to your clients. You—you—you dictate, I will type. We're gonna roll this thing back. I'll order a pizza, we'll pull an all-nighter. Because we're in this together. Okay? So I'm gonna go get your—your printer, and then we're gonna get the hell out of here.
:''[Jimmy turns to head into the bedroom]''
:'''Kim:''' Wait— Jimmy. Jimmy!
:''[Jimmy enters the bedroom to discover half-full boxes and luggage everywhere]''
:'''Kim:''' You asked if you were bad for me. That's not it. We are bad for each other. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Kim. Don't do this. Kim, please.
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy... ''[holding back tears]'' ...I have had the time of my life with you. But we are bad for everyone around us. Other people suffer because of us. Apart we're okay, but together we're poison. 
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[shakes his head]'' No, no. Just tell me what I need to do to change, okay? Just tell me what it is, and I'll do it. 
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy...
:'''Jimmy:''' No, Kim. You make me happy. We make each other happy. How can that be bad? Hey... I love you.
:'''Kim:''' I love you, too. ''[voice breaking]'' But so what? 
:'''Jimmy:''' No. No. No, Kim, you're wrong! ''This is about '''Howard!''''' Okay?! What happened to him wasn't on us! It wasn't your fault! It wasn't ''my'' fault! It was that ''fucking Lalo Salamanca!'' That psychopath came back from the dead and he walked through that door! He did this! Not us, ''him!'' 
:'''Kim:''' I knew.
:'''Jimmy:''' You knew wh-what?
:'''Kim:''' I knew he was alive.
:'''Jimmy:''' No, you didn't.
:'''Kim:''' It was about a month ago. I saw that car following me again. And it turned out that Mike Ehrmantraut had guys watching both of us, watching for Lalo. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Mike... Mike told you that Lalo was alive? ''[Kim nods]'' And you didn't tell me?
:'''Kim:''' ''[pause]'' Jimmy... I thought... I thought it was a one-in-a-million chance that he'd come for us. I thought he would be caught if he did. And I told myself I was protecting you. But that's not the truth. The reason I didn't tell you was because I knew what you'd do.
:'''Jimmy:''' Wh-what would I do?
:'''Kim:''' You'd—you'd blame yourself. You'd fear for me. You'd want us to run and hide until you were sure I was safe. You would pull the plug on the scam, and then... ''[pause]'' ...and then, we'd break up. And I didn't want that. Because I was having too much ''fun''.
:''[Kim breaks down crying and returns to the bedroom to pack; Jimmy stands in the living room in silence]''

=== ''Nippy'' [6.10] ===
'''Jeff:''' I don't know...
'''Jimmy:''' What don't you know?
'''Jeff:''' Just, this whole thing, it seems crazy!
'''Jimmy:''' Is this too hot for you?! Ju— You know what, just say so! You know what? Screw it. &quot;Crazy.&quot; I'll tell you what's crazy! Fifty-year-old high school chemistry teacher comes into my office. The guy is so broke, he can't pay his own mortgage. One year later, he's got a pile of cash as big as a Volkswagen. That's crazy.

=== [6.11] ===

=== [6.12] ===

=== [6.13] ===

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Better Call Saul seasons]]
[[Category:Split television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>dbrhdyvcdt1ekageq61ph2amgwxngof</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3147625</id>
      <parentid>3147610</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T18:35:45Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>75.35.55.63</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Nippy [6.10] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="101340" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Season''' [[Better Call Saul (season 1)|1]] [[Better Call Saul (season 2)|2]] [[Better Call Saul (season 3)|3]] [[Better Call Saul (season 4)|4]] [[Better Call Saul (season 5)|5]] [[Better Call Saul (season 6)|6]] | [[Better Call Saul|'''Main''']]
----

The following is a list of quotes from the sixth season of ''[[Better Call Saul]]''.

=== ''[[w:Wine and Roses|Wine and Roses]]'' [6.01] ===
:''[Mike, Gus, and Tyrus gather in the office trailer at the Los Pollos Hermanos chicken farm to discuss the aftermath of the attempted hit on Lalo Salamanca.]''
:'''Gus:''' Tell me again about the ''sicario'' who made the final report.
:'''Tyrus:''' He was already wounded when he talked to our cutout. Federales found him dead at the scene. But they got Salamanca.
:'''Gus:''' The mercenaries are dead. To a man. And yet their mission was a success?
:'''Mike:''' It has been known to happen. Now you go down there and get Varga, bring him home safe. There's ways to do it on the quiet. 
:''[Long pause; Gus and Tyrus both stare at him.]''
:'''Mike:''' ''[scoffs]'' ...Unless you already have something in the works.
:''[Tyrus turns and exits the trailer. Mike and Gus speak alone.]''
:'''Gus:''' Speak your mind.
:'''Mike:''' Loyalty goes both ways. Varga's done everything you asked him. 
:'''Gus:''' He wasn't given a choice.
:'''Mike:''' Maybe so, but he played a tough game. And he played it on the square. 
:'''Gus:''' ...And?
:'''Mike:''' When all is said and done, the kid deserves your respect.
:'''Gus:''' He has it. Is there more you wish to say?
:''[After a long pause, Mike exits the trailer.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim have dinner at a diner; conversation turns to the Ford Taurus that Jimmy has rented.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' I rented us a car. It's the Ford.
:'''Kim:''' So Saul Goodman drives a brown Ford Taurus?
:'''Jimmy:''' Detroit calls that taupe, I believe.
:'''Kim:''' Don't you think Saul Goodman would drive something with a little more... flair?
:'''Jimmy:''' Such as?
:'''Kim:''' I don't know. Definitely American-made. Something showy. And Saul Goodman has an office. Something eye-catching. Good location.
:'''Jimmy:''' By the courthouse?
:'''Kim:''' Yeah. A cathedral of justice.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Ooooh'', a cathedral of justice. Okay, yeah.
:'''Kim:''' We should start looking for something for you. I mean, for Saul.
:'''Jimmy:''' Sold. When do we start?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At the courthouse, Jimmy is confronted by the district attorney who prosecuted Lalo during his bail hearing]''
:'''ADA Khalil''': I've been calling you for two days.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, my girl's out sick. What can I do you for?
:'''ADA Khalil''': Tomorrow morning, 10 A.M.
:'''Jimmy''': Brunch? But just you and me, right? ''[points at Detective Roberts]'' I mean, won't the big fella here feel like a third wheel?
:'''ADA Khalil''': You and I are meeting Parson in chambers. I am asking for an emergency hearing to alter the terms of De Guzman's release.
:'''Jimmy''': Sounds like a blast. Unfortunately, I'm booked solid. 
:'''Detective Roberts''': I checked your client's place of residence. The address he gave, it's a Dairy Queen in Altamonte. The family that showed at the bail hearing can't be located. No driver's license, no tax rolls, no school records. Nothing. The fact is, there isn't a single Elizabeth McKinnon under the age of 73 living in New Mexico.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, this is–this is surprising.
:'''ADA Khalil''': Your client has disappeared, and I'm not waiting six weeks to start looking for him.
:'''Jimmy''': Hey, my guy put up seven million in bail. You think he's just gonna walk away from that?
:'''Detective Roberts''': Who comes up with seven million bucks in cash?
:'''ADA Khalil''': You know what I think? I think the family was fake. ''[to Jimmy]'' And I think you knew it the whole time.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, hold up. Just get real for a second. The hearing didn't go your way, and now you're trying for a do-over? You say my guy ran, I say he's got seven million reasons for showing up when he's legally required to do so. So, no, I won't be... uh, due process window dressing at any crash meeting with Parson. And if you try throwing any of this crap around in front of the judge without my presence, here's an accusation: Prosecutorial misconduct. ''Career-ending'' prosecutorial misconduct!
:'''Detective Roberts''': None of that changes the fact the guy's not who he said he was.
:'''Jimmy''': No, no, no! Hold on! You guys got caught with your pants around your ankles, and somehow that's on me?! I don't think so! ''[points at ADA Khalil]''  You got two dozen lawyers up there! You got investigators—you got the whole damn police force—and it's ''my'' fault that you can't keep track of Lalo?! ''That is '''not''' my job!''
:'''ADA Khalil''': Lalo? Who's Lalo?
:'''Jimmy''': What?! ''[blinks hard]'' What did I say... I meant De Guzman. I have more than one client! ''[chuckles]'' So... ''[clears throat]'' I will see you at the preliminary in six weeks as scheduled. Until then, I have clients who need me.
:''[Jimmy walks into an empty courtroom and sits down while contemplating his slip-up]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy takes a guided tour of the country club where Howard and Cliff are members, meeting with a tour guide named Norm in the main lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Hi, Norm Wakely. I understand you're in the market for a tour.
:'''Jimmy:''' That's right. Saul Goodman.
:'''Norm:''' Great to meet you, Mr. Goodman. 
:'''Jimmy:''' No please, call me Saul.
:'''Norm:''' Great. So Saul, can I get you anything before we get started? The coffee here is just unbeatable. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh, well, I'm fine. I'm fully caffeinated. 
:''[Kevin Wachtell walks into the room and becomes upset upon seeing Jimmy in the lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Well Saul, you and I are standing on hallowed ground. Five presidents have played on our course, starting with Dwight D. Eisenhower. But the story goes back even further than that–
:'''Kevin:''' ''Norm.''
:''[Jimmy and Norm turn toward Kevin.]''
:'''Kevin:''' Can I have a sec, please?
:'''Jimmy:''' Kevin, hey. How's it going?
:'''Norm:''' Uh, I'm sorry. I'm sure this will just be a moment.
:''[Norm goes over to Kevin and talks to him for a few moments, clearly being instructed to remove Jimmy from the premises.]''
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman. I'm so sorry, but I've just been reminded that in fact we have a two-year waiting list.
:'''Jimmy:''' Two years, wow. Maybe I could go on the tour anyway. I mean, 'cause I'm here. Just in case.
:'''Norm:''' Well unfortunately, we've suspended tours for the moment.
:'''Jimmy:''' You're not even giving tours?
:'''Norm:''' I apologize for the inconvenience. We–we'll be happy to call you if the situation changes. You left your number?
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh-huh.
:'''Norm:''' Well, we'll be in touch. If the situation changes. Again, I–I am sorry for your time and trouble. We just– ''[sighs]'' We had a few crosswires.
:'''Jimmy:''' Well... okay then.
:'''Norm:''' Thank you.
:''[Jimmy is about the leave the lounge, but impulsively stops, turns around, and approaches Norm again.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Norm:''' Oh, yes.
:'''Jimmy:''' Um, just so I understand: you were going to give me a tour and then realized you don't need new members?
:'''Norm:''' We have a waiting list.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, but you're the membership director... 
:'''Norm:''' I know.
:'''Jimmy:''' ...so you would have known that before. It doesn't really add up. I mean, I came in and everyone was rolling out the red carpet, and then all of a sudden something changed. I don't–
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman, I–
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Goodman.'' The name. The second you heard it, everything turned on a dime. Wow. Waiting list? I think you're talking about an ''exclusion'' list. It's okay, I should have known. Because, I mean, look! ''[raises his voice and walks to the middle of the lounge, where everyone can see him]'' It's wall-to-wall mayonnaise in here! So listen, if you're going to be restrictive, have the courage to say so!
:'''Norm:''' There's no question–
:'''Jimmy:''' There it is, folks! Anti-Semitism, alive and well right here in Albuquerque!
:'''Norm:''' Sir! We have many Jewish members!
:'''Jimmy:''' Oh good. Well, you met your quota then. Gold star for you.
:''[Kevin, flanked by two of his golf buddies, interjects.]''
:'''Kevin:''' Hold on. That's gotta be the biggest load of horse crap I've ever heard in my life. Go crawl back in your hole, McGill or Goodman – whatever you're calling yourself. What are you up to, anyway? Ginning up another one of your put-up job lawsuits? You two-faced, blackmailing, money-grubbing son of a bitch–
:'''Jimmy:''' Money-grubbing! You're saying the quiet part out loud, I think.
:'''Norm:''' Gentlemen, can we just keep the volume down?
:'''Kevin:''' You know damn well that's not what I meant!
:'''Jimmy:''' In this day and age, I'd hoped and prayed we'd be beyond this.
:'''Kevin:''' You're about as Jewish as my Aunt Fannie!
:'''Jimmy:''' Five-thousand years and it never ends!
:''[Kevin tries to take a swing at Jimmy, but is held back by his golf buddies.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Here it is! Violence! It always comes to this!''
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Wachtell, please!
:'''Kevin's Buddy:''' Come on, Kev.
:'''Kevin:''' ''[to Jimmy]'' You go to hell, you lying sack of shit.
:''[Kevin and his golf buddies leave the lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Sir. Mr. Goodman, I don't know what to say. That is not–
:'''Jimmy:''' I wouldn't be a member here. I wouldn't walk through those doors again after what happened to me here today. ''[feigns tears]'' Do you at least have a bathroom that I could use, seeing as how my– Stress like that is hell on my diverticulitis. 
:'''Norm:''' The men's locker room is the closest. It's straight through there.
:'''Jimmy:''' And I would be allowed to go in there?
:'''Norm:''' Yes, of course.
:'''Jimmy:''' I want you to know I don't blame you personally. I know you were just following orders. ''[to everyone in the lounge]'' It's okay, folks! I'm leaving! All is well!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo is preparing to be smuggled across the border with a group of undocumented immigrants when he decides to call the Casa Tranquila Nursing Home and speak to Hector. A nurse holds a phone up to Hector's ear in the common room. Hector uses his bell to communicate.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle, can you hear me? Do you know my voice?
:''[Hector visibly recognizes Lalo's voice.]''
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings bell twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' They told you about the attack, didn't they?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Let them keep believing I'm dead. So much the better. It was the chicken man. That coward sat up there in the north while his paramilitaries came into my home. My home, Uncle! Screw Bolsa, screw Eladio. I'm coming north. I'm going to hurt him. Hurt him like you taught me. And then I will kill him. 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings repeatedly in agreement]''
:'''Lalo:''' What is it?
:''[The nurse takes the phone from Hector.]''
:'''Nurse:''' Hector? ''[to Lalo]'' Excuse me. I'm so sorry, but Hector seems a little upset.
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. Um, I'm just– I'm sharing a bit of family news, some good, some bad. Would you mind putting him back on? It will only be a minute.
:'''Nurse:''' Of course.
:''[The nurse again holds the phone to Hector's ear.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' What is it? Do you have another idea? 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' Okay, let's see. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, Ñ, O, P–
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' P? That's right?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Okay. What's next? A, B, C, D...
:''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings twice.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ...L, M, N, Ñ...
:''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings once.]''
:'''Lalo:''' U? ''Prueba?'' 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Is that what you're saying? Proof?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' Uncle, I don't have any proof. For months I was in the north watching him, following his men. There was nothing.
:''[Lalo has a flash of realization.]''
:'''Lalo:''' Wait... There is proof. I know where to find it. Goodbye, Uncle. You will see me soon.

=== ''[[w:Carrot and Stick|Carrot and Stick]]'' [6.02] ===
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;I was a hard worker. I was a company man. Twenty years, and I didn't miss a single day. They even gave me a plaque for it. ''[sighs]'' It was a gold plaque. Perfect attendance... But when they handed it to me, I wrenched my back. I was in so much pain, I couldn't do my job... ''[sighs again]'' which meant I couldn't put food on the table. I didn't want to sue... but with a family to support, what choice did I have?&quot;
:'''Kim''': Wait, who are you supposed to be again?
:'''Jimmy''': Whatever. The backstory is just a placeholder. I'm gonna polish the script once we cast.
:'''Kim''': But a personal injury suit? Best case scenario, that gets him in with an associate.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[throws hands up]'' Mesothelioma. ''[clears his throat]'' &quot;When I took that job down at the shoe factory, I had no idea I was risking my life. Now, I can't stop coughin'!&quot; Right? Come on! Hey, a mesothelioma class-action built Clifford Main his vacation house. He hears &quot;mesothelioma,&quot; his eyes pop!
:'''Kim''': Well, sure. But then he takes the case. What happens when he asks for a medical evaluation? And how does Howard come up?
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, ask me why I'm here.
:'''Kim''': What brings you to Davis &amp; Main today?
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;I'm sick. I'm really sick...&quot;
:'''Kim''': Good.
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;...and it's not mesothelioma, but it's not good. And I need a lawyer, and the pickings are slim. I already went to HHM. I met with their top guy, Howard Hamlin, and uh... Uhhh, I–I got a brother-in-law and he's got a pretty nasty coke habit, very similar energy. Just put me off. Anyway, I need a lawyer, blah-blah-blah.&quot;
:'''Kim''': Okay, but you got a bad feeling from just one meeting?
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, I had the brother-in-law with the coke.
:'''Kim''': Yeah, but you were only in the room with him once.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, so it's gotta be something with a history with Howard.
:'''Kim''': Yeah.
:'''Jimmy''': But Cliff has to want to take the meeting, but not the case.
:'''Kim''': Right. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[sighs]'' It's gotta be good, but not too good.
:'''Kim''': Exactly. There's a sweet spot, you know. Like a magnet. We–we pull Cliff in, and then repel him. ''[beat]'' Oh!
:'''Jimmy''': What?
:'''Kim''': ''[sighs]'' You are going to ''hate'' this...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy tracks down the Kettlemans to their shady tax preparation office and tries to rope them into his and Kim's plan to ruin Howard]'' 
:'''Betsy''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've got some nerve coming here after what you did! ''[shoves Jimmy]'' ''Leave!'' Because of you, we lost ''everything!'' Our kids are in public school! So why don't you go crawl back under whatever slime-covered rock you came from and leave us the heck alone?! 
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, I sense some anger here, but that's–that's perfectly understandable. Since you brought it up, I came here today because I was curious if you two wanted your lives back. There's actually a legal term for it: Exoneration. 
:'''Craig''': Oh. You know, we actually did look into that.
:'''Betsy''': Yep.
:'''Craig''': We went to a number of lawyers, and—
:'''Betsy''': ''Real'' lawyers.
:'''Craig''': Yes. They were all terrific, but they said that it was impossible.
:'''Betsy''': ''Mm-hmm''.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, but those lawyers don't know what I know.
:'''Craig''': What's that?
:'''Betsy''': No, Craig. He's got an angle.
:'''Jimmy''': I ''do'' have an angle, Craig. It's an angle called justice. ''[Betsy scoffs and snickers]'' Let me put it this way: I think that within Craig's case, I have found the grounds for a civil suit. A big one. ''[pause; quietly]'' Big. 
:'''Betsy''': ''[long pause; looks at Craig]'' Okay, then. Let's hear it.
:'''Jimmy''': Let's hold your horses, because we've been down this road before. [[w:Uno (Better Call Saul)|And the last time I gave you two advice, you went straight to the competition with it.]] ''[pulls out a piece of paper from inside his suit]'' So, I just need some assurances that all my hard work isn't gonna end up in the hands of, uh, Clifford Main or some other asshole at some pretentious high-pay, white-shoe law firm. So before we talk turkey, letters of engagement. 
:'''Craig''': Yes.
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, you remember these. I made some updates, just closed a few loopholes and whatnot. So... ''[holds out paper and pen]''
:'''Betsy''': ''[stops Craig from taking the pen]'' We're not signing anything.
:'''Jimmy''': You have to sign if you want to know what I know. 
:'''Betsy''': ''We're not signing.''
:'''Jimmy''': Really? You're sure?
:'''Betsy''': Yep.
:'''Jimmy''': Craig?
:'''Craig''': ''[looks at Betsy before shaking his head]'' Thanks anyway.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[unclicks pen]'' Alright. Well, uh... Sorry we couldn't work something out.
:'''Betsy''': I'm sure you are.
:''[Jimmy overhears Betsy and Craig arguing as he walks around the trailer. He balls the pen in his fist]''
:'''Craig''': Mr. Goodman!
:'''Jimmy''': ''[smiles; clicks pen and takes out letter]'' Best decision you've ever made. ''[turns his back to Craig for him to sign the letter]'' Here you go.
:'''Betsy''': ''[after Craig signs the letter]'' So what do you know?
:'''Jimmy''': You got one, too, Betsy. ''[holds out another letter]''
:''[Betsy snatches the pen and paper from Jimmy and signs the letter while pressing the pen hard on Jimmy's back]'' 
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, come on. That's not... ''Ow''. All right. Well, we're officially in business. Now, I have it on good authority here that Craig was not given proper counsel. 
:'''Betsy''': We already knew that.
:'''Jimmy''': But did you ask yourselves why?
:'''Craig''': No. Why?
:'''Jimmy''': What if I told you that in your hour of need, the person who was supposed to be on your side was impaired?
:'''Craig''': Impaired?
:'''Jimmy''': It's a... a person of substance. ''[as Betsy and Craig talk to each other quietly]'' Substance in question being a certain illegal white powder.
:'''Betsy''': That awful woman with the ponytail is a cocaine addict.
:'''Jimmy''': No, not Kim Wexler! No! Craig's lead attorney, Howard Hamlin! 
:'''Craig''': Oh. I thought he was so... professional and energetic. Upbeat. 
:'''Betsy''': Oh...
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;Oh,&quot; is right.
:'''Craig''': So upbeat is bad?
:'''Jimmy''': In this case, it's textbook malpractice. The magic phrase is, &quot;ineffective assistance of counsel.&quot; If your guy wasn't nose deep in the devil's dandruff, well, Craig's case would've turned out completely different.
:'''Craig''': Oh, my God! 
:'''Betsy''': Don't we need some kind of proof?
:'''Jimmy''': All the dirty laundry comes out in discovery. It’s just trips to rehab, secret drug deals. All we gotta do is get the ball rolling. So, I say we get started on your affidavits. 
:'''Craig''': Yes.
:'''Betsy''': About that. We happen to know a thing or two about our rights, Mr. McGill. And it doesn’t matter what you force us to sign. We don’t have to work with any lawyer we don’t want. ''[gets in Jimmy's face]'' And that means... you’re fired. 
:'''Jimmy''': I am not fired.
:'''Betsy''': Oh yes, you are!
:'''Jimmy''': No! No!
:'''Craig''': He’s fired?
:'''Betsy''': Craig! 
:'''Jimmy''': No, you can’t fire me! I found this case, it’s mine! Hey, you wanna hear about rights?! The second you say where you got this information from, guess who automatically gets a cut?! ''Me! So go ahead! Go ahead, see what happens!''
:''[Jimmy pretends to be upset after the Kettlemans leave, but slowly starts smiling as he walks away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gus and Juan Bolsa visit Hector at Casa Tranquila to send their condolences, still believing that Lalo is dead. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Bolsa''': He wishes to make amends. At least hear him out.
:'''Gus''': Don Hector. It's no secret that I did not see eye to eye with your nephew. And while the friction between your family and myself did not start with him, today I am reminded we are all Eladio's men. No matter our disagreements, a strike against one is a strike against all. I hope you will accept my condolences and my support as you navigate this terrible loss.
:'''Bolsa''': Gustavo speaks the truth. In this matter, he and I both stand shoulder to shoulder behind the Salamanca family. We are still looking for the traitor, Ignacio Varga. ''[places hand on Hector's shoulder]'' We will find him. And then your family will have justice.
:''[Hector slowly reaches his hand out to Gus. As Gus holds his hand, he notices a change of expression on Hector's face and stares at him. Cut to outside the nursing home.]'' 
:'''Bolsa''': ''[to Gus in English]'' We'll be in touch.
:''[Gus calls Mike on his cell phone after Bolsa drives away]''
:'''Mike''': What did you learn?
:'''Gus''': Lalo Salamanca lives.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy gets a call from Betsy Kettleman after she finds out there was no case against Howard]''
:'''Jimmy''': Saul Goodman, speedy justice for you. Oh, wait! Okay, just take a breath, and then we can... Okay, okay. I can tell you're upset. Just... I–I never advised that. No. ''[sighs]'' No, I did not, so let's agree to disagree. ''[pause]'' Okay, I think you're going to want to meet in person before you do anything rash. So how about–how about we meet up, and we can hash this out. ''[pause]'' Yeah, sure! Tomorrow, first thing. Uh, 9 A.M, I can come to your office. That work? ...Okay, okay! Good! ''[hangs up]'' 
:'''Kim''': I'm surprised it took them this long. You, uh... You're gonna use the stick, right? 
:'''Jimmy''': The stick? Well, it's a big stick. But I know these people, they're more carrot types. Especially her. ''[takes out cash and puts the bills in his suit pocket]'' Spoonful of sugar, you know?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' I think maybe I'll come, too.
:'''Jimmy''': Tomorrow? Really?
:'''Kim''': Sure. I have time.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tyrus''': They found the truck, but no sign of Varga. Salamancas have all eyes looking for him, including the federales. Still not picking up his cell, so nobody got a lock on it. Now as for Lalo, still missing. As far as everybody in the cartel is concerned, top to bottom, Lalo is dead.
:'''Mike''': May I offer a thought? ''[pause; to Gus]'' If Salamanca was coming straight for you, he'd be here already. We've got guys watching anywhere he might turn up this side of Mexico. Wire taps on any phone he might call. There is not a whiff of him. Now, my guess is he's smart enough to know it's not in the Salamanca family interest to take you out without a reason the bosses can get behind. So, the odds are he's searching for Varga. Finds him alive, gets him to talk. ''[pause; Gus remains silent]'' Varga's alone in foreign territory, no one he can trust. The kid's smart, but he's not gonna last. ''[Gus stands up]'' He's gonna get caught.
:''[Gus accidentally knocks a glass over and kneels down to pick up the shards from the floor]''
:'''Gus''': Continue.
:'''Mike''': The best way to handle this: I take four of our best guys, cross the border and track Varga down. Let me find him, bring him back before the Salamancas sweep him up. It's our only play.
:''[After cleaning up the broken glass, Gus throws it away and looks out a nearby window]''
:'''Gus''': ''[beat; in Spanish]'' Varga's father. Bring him here.
:'''Mike''': No. You're not doing that. ''[locks the door after Tyrus gets his gun out]'' You don't understand. That's not happening. 
:'''Tyrus''': ''[walks up to Mike and aims gun at him]'' Just say the word.
:'''Mike''': Whatever happens next... it's not gonna go down the way you think it is.
:''[Mike stares at Tyrus, who cocks his gun and waits for Mike to make a move.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[beat; hears cell phone vibrating]'' It's him.
:'''Tyrus''': Bullshit. I've been calling Varga for hours. He hasn't picked up once. 
:'''Mike''': He's been trying to get me since he left the Salamancas. ''[opens phone]'' You want me to answer it?
:''[Tyrus turns to Gus, who nods. Mike answers the phone and speaks to Nacho]''
:'''Mike''': Yeah. ''[pause]'' Yeah. ...Not my call. ''[pause]'' That's up to you. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Betsy:''' You used us &amp;ndash; us and our good name &amp;ndash; to character-assassinate Howard Hamlin. Somehow, some way, it benefits you to tear him down.
:'''Craig:''' Yeah. And we're&amp;ndash;we're mad.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, yeah. I'm hearing a lot of unfounded accusations being tossed around. I don't know anything about schemes or character assassination or whatnot, but... ''[clears throat]'' if you're feeling slighted, we can make it right. ''[Jimmy hands Betsy a bundle of cash]''
:'''Betsy:''' Money? ''[scoffs]'' Money's not gonna take care of this.
:'''Jimmy:''' Money takes care of everything. Isn't that the motto stitched onto the Kettleman family crest?
:'''Betsy:''' We don't want money. 
:'''Jimmy:''' I am non-plussed. I'm guessing you want something.
:'''Betsy:''' Do what you promised.
:'''Jimmy:''' Do what I what?
:'''Betsy:''' Exonerate Craig. Get his good name back. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright. Well, as you've been advised, for a number of reasons that's not gonna happen.
:'''Betsy:''' It ''is'' gonna happen. It is. It's... You're just gonna have to figure out a way.
:'''Craig:''' If anyone can do this, it's you.
:'''Betsy:''' I know you don't want us going to Howard Hamlin. Because whatever it is you're up to, I'm sure he would be ''very'' interested.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, let's just go easy on the threats.
:'''Betsy:''' We want our lives back! The way they were before. ''Before.'' We lost everything! And we don't deserve any of this.
:'''Kim:''' Okay. Enough carrot. ''[clears throat]''
:''[Kim turns to the home phone next to her and begins to dial]''
:'''Craig:''' Dial 9 to get out.
:'''Kim:''' Oh, thank you.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering; to Craig]'' We didn't give her permission to use the phone.
:'''Craig:''' ''[whispering; to Betsy]'' She needs to use the phone.
:'''Jimmy:''' Kim... ?
:''[The line connects; Kim speaks through the phone's speaker]''
:'''Receptionist:''' Internal Revenue Service, Albuquerque.
:'''Kim:''' Hi. Could you put me through to Justin Stangel in Criminal Investigations? 
:'''Receptionist:''' One moment, please.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[to Kim]'' What are you doing? Excuse me!
:'''Justin:''' This is Justin.
:'''Kim:''' Justin, Kim Wexler. How are you?
:'''Justin:''' Hey, Kim. Good to hear from you.
:'''Kim:''' How are Noreen and the boys?
:'''Justin:''' Oh, hanging in. Noreen always talks about having you by for dinner some time.
:'''Kim:''' We should do that. Tell her to call me. Listen, I was wondering who your CID officer is these days.
:'''Justin:''' You have something for us?
:'''Kim:''' Oh, I just might: Tax preparer fraud. A lot of it.
:'''Justin:''' I'm listening.
:'''Kim:''' Well, it's this, uh, run-down little mom-and-pop outfit I've had my eye on for a while. ''[chuckles]'' Don't ask me why. Clearly, I need to get a life. But from what I can glean, their clients always end up with smaller refunds than they deserve.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering]'' Please don't do this.
:'''Justin:''' Do the clients sign over third-party authorization?
:'''Kim:''' Bingo. So what I'm thinking is, these creeps file legit returns with you guys, give the clients fake ones that show about half the proper amount, and then pocket the difference. 
:'''Justin:''' Classic scam. Well, I know just the guy to go after these dirtbags. Tony Oropallo. Real bulldog. I'll transfer you over.
:'''Kim:''' Such a big help, Justin.
:'''Justin:''' You got it. Talk soon.
:'''Betsy:''' You don't have to do this.
:'''Kim:''' ''[to Betsy]'' Don't I? Betsy... You'll probably get twenty-four months, maybe eighteen with good behavior. But Craig? You are a two-time loser. They will definitely make an example out of you. Each false return they discover will be a separate felony. What are we talking? A hundred?
:'''Betsy:''' Uh...
:'''Kim:''' Two-hundred? 
:'''Tony:''' ''[beat]'' CID, Anthony Oropallo speaking.
:''[Betsy runs to the phone and slams down the receiver to end the call]''
:'''Betsy:''' Please. We'll do anything. Just tell us.
:'''Kim:''' ''[beat]'' Why would I believe ''you?'' Huh?
:'''Craig:''' Please. 
:'''Kim:''' ''[long pause]'' First. First, you contact every person you've ripped off. Tell them you made an accounting error, tell them you're crooks who had a change of heart, I don't care. Give them what they are legally owed. Everything you stole. And then after that, you're going to forget you ever heard the name Howard Hamlin. I'm keeping my eye on both of you. You think you've lost everything? ''You have no idea.''
:''[Kim leaves the room with Jimmy while the Kettlemans stand shellshocked, on the verge of tears]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy:''' [[w:Inflatable (Better Call Saul)|Wolves and sheep]].
:'''Kim:''' Huh?
:'''Jimmy:''' ...Nothing.

=== ''[[w:Rock and Hard Place|Rock and Hard Place]]'' [6.03] ===
:''[Nacho calls his father from an auto shop while on the run]''
:'''Manuel''': A-to-Z Fine Upholstery. Hello?
:'''Nacho''': Dad. It's me.
:'''Manuel''': Nacho?
:'''Nacho''': ''Si'', Papa. ''Hola''.
:'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' ''Hola, hijo.'' ''[in Spanish]'' How are you?
:'''Nacho''': ''[in Spanish]'' Good, good. Um... just wanted to hear your voice.
:'''Manuel''': Nacho, where are you? You sound strange.
:''[pause]''
:'''Nacho''': It's not important.... I was just checking in, that's all.
:'''Manuel''': Okay. ''Hijo'', I have lots of work to do. We've been through this, so many times. You know what you have to do... go to the police.
:'''Nacho''': Yes, Papa. I understand... I hear you.
:''[pause]''
:'''Manuel''': What else is there to say? Hmm? Goodbye, ''hijo''.
:'''Nacho''': ''[choked up]'' Goodbye, Papa.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Nacho calls Mike at an auto repair shop in Mexico while on the run from the Salamancas]''
:'''Mike''': Yeah.
:'''Nacho''': It's me.
:'''Mike''': Yeah.
:'''Nacho''': You knew. You knew that I was going to Mexico to die, that I was never supposed to make it out of that motel. And you let it happen.
:'''Mike''': Not my call.
:'''Nacho''': What happens now?
:'''Mike''': That's up to you. 
:'''Nacho''': Is that bastard with you? Put him on.
:'''Mike''': Hmm. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you.
:'''Gus''': ''[takes cell phone from Mike; to Nacho]'' Yes.
:'''Nacho''': You are screwed. ''[pause]'' You want the cartel to blame me for Lalo. But if they catch me, and make me talk? ''Ooh...'' That is not good for you, is it? Even if I disappear, everyone's gonna smell your stink all over it. The only way that this works for you is with me dead. ''[beat]'' Alright. Whatever bullshit way you want the story to go, I will make it go. But... I need one thing. 
:'''Gus''': Yes?
:'''Nacho''': My dad. I need to know that he will be safe.
:'''Gus''': If you are true to your word, there will be no reason for anyone to harm your father.
:'''Nacho''': ''You'' are not the one that I need to hear it from.
:''[Gus puts the phone on speaker so Mike can speak to Nacho]''
:'''Mike''': Your dad's gonna be okay.
:'''Nacho''': How do you know?
:'''Mike''': Because anyone who goes after him is gonna have to come through me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Huell sit in a car; Jimmy pays Huell for duplicating the keys to Howard's Jaguar]''
:'''Huell:''' Can I ask you sum'n?
:'''Jimmy:''' Sure, go ahead.
:'''Huell:''' Personal, kind of.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay. What?
:'''Huell:''' You're a lawyer. You make good money, right?
:'''Jimmy:''' Good days and bad, but yeah.
:'''Huell:''' Legit money, on the level.
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah, so?
:'''Huell:''' Your wife's a lawyer. A legit lawyer.
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah.
:'''Huell:''' Why you do all this? 
:'''Jimmy:''' Oh, I got you. I&amp;ndash;I know from the outside that this looks like just another scam, but you're not seeing the bigger picture. Couple months from now, there are people whose lives are gonna be way better. Because of this. We're making a real difference. Trust me. We're doing the Lord's work here. 
:'''Huell:''' ''Hmph''. If you say so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': What's going on?
:'''Kim''': I have news, Jimmy. Lalo is dead.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[exhales deeply]'' Holy shit. 
:'''Kim''': The DA's office put it together that Lalo was calling himself De Guzman. They are pretty upset they let him go.
:'''Jimmy''': I'll bet they are.
:'''Kim''': Ericsen seems to think that if Lalo lied to you and you didn't know about the pseudonym, that you could break confidentiality. She wants you to talk. She says it's right.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, what do you think we should do?
:'''Kim''': You... should do whatever you want, Jimmy. They don't have anything on you. It's just a fishing expedition to see if you bite.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' You think I should do it?
:'''Kim''': It depends.  
:'''Jimmy''': On what?
:'''Kim''': Well... ''[sighs]'' I guess it's basically... Do you want to be a friend of the cartel or... do you want to be a rat?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Nacho is driven to a remote location with Gus, Tyrus and Victor. There they meet Juan Bolsa, Hector Salamanca, and the Cousins. Bolsa kneels next to Nacho.]''
:'''Bolsa:''' Today, you are going to die. But there are good deaths, and there are bad deaths. Tell me what I need to know, I'll see that your death is a good one. Who put you up to this?
:''[Nacho glances at Gus, as if he's about to turn on him]''
:'''Bolsa:''' One last chance. ''Who?'' ''[long pause; scoffs and gets up to leave]''
:'''Nacho:''' It was Alvarez. Los Odios, out of Peru. They paid me to set up your nephew. And I did.
:''[Hector furiously rings his bell and attempts to point to Gus, who he knows is the real culprit]''
:'''Bolsa:''' Alvarez, we know. Los Odios, we know. Was anyone else involved?
:'''Nacho:''' ''[scoffs; nods to Gus]'' Him? You think the chicken man? ''Heh.'' What a joke. Alvarez has been paying me for years &amp;ndash; ''years''. ''[to the Salamancas]'' But you know what? I would have done it for free. Because I hate every last one of you psycho sacks of shit. I opened Lalo's gate, and I would do it again. And I'm glad what they did to him. He's a soulless pig, and I wished I'd killed him with my own hands. And you know what else, Hector? I put you in that chair. Oh, yeah. Your heart meds? I switched them for sugar pills. You were dead and buried, and I had to watch ''this'' asshole... ''[gestures to Gus]'' ...bring you back. So when you are sitting in your shitty nursing home and you're sucking down on your Jell-O night after night for the rest of your life, ''you think of '''me,''' you twisted fuck.''

=== ''[[w:Hit and Run (Better Call Saul)|Hit and Run]]'' [6.04] ===
:'''Jimmy:''' What kind of asshole moves a cone?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': So, I pull the Jag into the loading zone. And I start scrappin' with this hunk of metal. It was in deep—like, &quot;down a well&quot; deep—so I just... wrassled it! UGH! ''[Kim laughs hysterically]'' Like a freakin' bear, and I jam it in the dirt in front of the Jag! Boom! Barely made it out of there with the skin of my teeth. ''Who moves cones?'' Who does that?
:'''Kim''': Narcissists.
:'''Jimmy''': Heh, you're damn right. So you think Cliff really bought it, huh?
:'''Kim''': One hundred percent! You should've seen his face. It landed, trust me. God, it was... beautiful. ''[pause]'' Oh, and that is not all. 
:'''Jimmy''': Spill.
:'''Kim''': So... I'm doing the stall. I'm telling Cliff what I'm doing—what I wanna be doing. All I'm thinking is, I gotta stretch this out until you get there, but then... I don't know. I... kinda got caught up in it, and then... Cliff went for it. I mean, like, ''really'' went for it.
:'''Jimmy''': What does that mean? Like, money?
:'''Kim''': I don't think he'll write a check himself, but he knows people. And I think he'll deliver.
:'''Jimmy''': You're kidding! 
:'''Kim''': I know! How great is that?
:'''Jimmy''': This is unbelievable. ''[Kim laughs]'' Are we on a roll, or are we on a roll? Jeez! 
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' You ever feel like you're being followed? ''[pause]'' When I dropped Wendy off at the motel, she thought she was being watched by some undercover cops. But then when I drove away... that same car was behind ''me.'' Right after I spotted them, they disappeared.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, you know what they say: The wicked flee where no man pursueth. 
:'''Kim''': ...You think we're wicked?
:'''Jimmy''': No. What? ''[chuckles]'' It's just a turn of phrase. I think you're wicked hot. ''[pause]'' Alright. Listen to the voice of experience, okay? You know why you're feeling like this? Because we got away with it. It seems too good to be true, but trust me. Nobody is following you. ''[takes Kim's hand]'' No one knows what we're doing except for us. Okay?
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy confronts Bill Oakley at the courthouse when he notices his colleagues' cold treatment of him]''
:'''Jimmy''': What the hell is going on?! How come everyone's treating me like I'm covered in oozing pus sores?
:'''Bill''': I liked you better when you were just a regular bottom feeder. But this?
:'''Jimmy''': This? What is, &quot;this?&quot;
:'''Bill''': I understand advocating for your client. Deep in my heart, I get it. But you scammed the court. You scammed the judge, and for what? To get a murdering cartel psychopath back out on the street? It's just... wrong.
:'''Jimmy''': That's a lot of big talk, Bill. Prove it. Prove it, Bill!
:'''Bill''': There's proving, and then there's knowing. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': They're gone.
:'''Kim''': I'm sorry?
:'''Mike''': The two men that were following you. They're gone.
:'''Kim''': Do I know you?
:'''Mike''': Would you mind sitting for a moment, and I will answer any questions I can. ''[pause; Kim sits down next to Mike]'' I have men watching you and your husband. I'm not with the police, and as far as I know, they're not investigating either of you. I ''do'' know that you've been up to a few things that you probably would rather keep private. I don't care. That's not what this is about. I'm trying to solve a problem of my own. 
:'''Kim''': What problem?
:'''Mike''': Lalo Salamanca.
:'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca's dead. ''[beat; Mike says nothing and stares at Kim]'' He... isn't.
:'''Mike''': We're watching anyone he might contact. That includes you and your husband. Most likely, he'll never reach out. He's got bigger fish to fry. But in the thousand to one chance that he does...
:'''Kim''': And who do you work for?
:'''Mike''': I said I would answer anything I can. 
:'''Kim''': ''[long pause]'' [[w:Bagman (Better Call Saul)|You're the guy from the desert]]. The one who was out there with Jimmy. Why are you telling me this and not him?
:'''Mike''': Because I think you're made of sterner stuff. ''[pause; gets up]'' Alright. Now here's what's best for everyone. You spot my guys again—which I'm hoping you won't—let them go about their business. Just pretend they're not there. And pretty soon, they won't be. You and your husband just... go on living your lives. ''[starts to leave]''
:'''Kim''': I do know you. You worked in the parking booth at the courthouse. ''[pause]'' You were the attendant.
:'''Mike''': ...I was.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kim meets Jimmy at a strip mall where an office space is available for lease]''
:'''Kim''': What are we doing here?
:'''Jimmy''': Take a look. What do you think?
:'''Kim''': About what?
:'''Jimmy''': My new office. Potentially. Come on.
:''[They both peer through the storefront windows of the office, which is empty except for a lone toilet]''
:'''Kim''': Huh.
:'''Jimmy''': Mrs. Nguyen kicked me to the curb.
:'''Kim''': What? Why?
:'''Jimmy''': It's a long story, but upshot is she wants me out of there with extreme prejudice.
:'''Kim''': Wow. Bad day, huh?
:'''Jimmy''': Well, no. It was a... great day. With actual paying clients. The word is out! People were throwing cash retainers at me just to say Saul Goodman is their lawyer.
:'''Kim''': Because of who you represented.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, I mean, that's part of it. But the bottom line is I need a new place for new business pronto. Now, this place is a shithole, but the price is right. And I think I can talk the landlord into a month-to-month. So, it's temporary until I find something better. ''[sighs; pause]'' Hey. What do you think?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' It's small. It's... dirty. And this whole place smells funny. ''[pause]'' But the courthouse is five blocks away. You can't get to MDC without driving past. Parking is good, bail bond row isn't far, and uh... Taco Cabeza is just around the corner. Might be a diamond in the rough. Just promise me... you won't move the toilet.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' There it is. Alright. Uh... speaking of Taco Cabeza.
:'''Kim''': I'm starving. Let's do it.

=== ''[[w:Black and Blue (Better Call Saul)|Black and Blue]]'' [6.05] ===
:''[Cliff informs Howard about witnessing Jimmy throw Wendy out of Howard's car]''
:'''Howard:''' I threw a woman out of my car? In the middle of the street? And I&amp;ndash;''zip''&amp;ndash;I just drive right past you? I... That's what you're saying? I-I-I don't even... I don't know how to respond to that.
:'''Cliff:''' I'm not asking you to respond. I just need you to know that ''I'' know. 
:'''Howard:''' It wasn't me, Cliff. Whoever you think you saw&amp;ndash;
:'''Cliff:''' Yeah, sorry, but that's the kind of thing my son used to say. It was your Jaguar, your &quot;Namaste&quot; plate. It was you! Howard, there's no harm in asking for help. You got a lot of people in your corner.
:'''Howard:''' So there's the-the baggie at the county club.
:'''Cliff:''' Yes.
:'''Howard:''' After that, some clients&amp;ndash;who you can't name because of privilege&amp;ndash;make insinuations. Then on Thursday, you have a business meeting and you witness a Jaguar speeding past. ''[beat]'' Who were you meeting with?
:'''Cliff:''' Not sure why that's germaine, but... Kim Wexler. She came to me for career advice.
:''[Howard's face becomes awash with realization]''
:'''Howard:''' ''Mmm.'' All right. ''[pause]'' Okay. ''[takes out his cell phone]'' Of course. ''[scoffs]'' Of course. ''[to Cliff]'' Cliff, I know this wasn't easy for you. You came to me as a friend. I appreciate it.
:'''Cliff:''' You can start today, Howard.
:'''Howard:''' Oh, I will. Because you're right, I ''do'' have a problem. Just not the problem you think. I have a Jimmy McGill problem.
:'''Cliff:''' Jimmy McGill?!
:'''Howard:''' You'll have to excuse me.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard!
:'''Howard:''' ''[to his secretary on the phone]'' Julie. Cancel my week. Yes, my whole week. 
:'''Cliff:''' Howard!
:''[Howard climbs into his Jaguar and drives away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy walks into a boxing club and sees Howard, who pretended to be a potential client named &quot;Mr. Ward&quot;]''
:'''Howard''': Hello, Jimmy.
:'''Jimmy''': Mr. Ward, I presume. As in... H.O. Ward. That is really cute, Howard. So, wait. That means that you're the guy who shanked some dude in a rumble near Central Pen. ''[sighs]'' That's—that's very street of you. 
:'''Howard''': I thought it sounded like a Saul Goodman kind of case.
:'''Jimmy''': ...Alright, so what are we doing here? 
:'''Howard''': I'm tired, Jimmy. You and me, us. I'm tired of this. Aren't you? It's exhausting. ''[points at boxing ring behind him]'' Let's punch it out.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' Are you kidding?
:'''Howard''': Dead serious. Hoping you might get it out of your system. Do I think it'll work? ''[shrugs]'' I don't know. Call it a Hail Mary. I have the gear, I rented the ring. It's just you and me... ''[points at the man standing behind Jimmy]'' and Macky to ref. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' I am sorry, but have you lost your mind?
:'''Howard''': Actually, I'm as clear-headed as I've ever been in my life. You didn't even try to hide your tracks. The baggie of drugs at the country club, the clients you sent to discredit me, ''another'' prostitute.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, once again as usual, I—
:'''Howard''': Please. I could go on. All roads lead back to you. It's Psych 101. You want to get caught. 
:'''Jimmy''': So what? Is this like pistols at dawn?
:'''Howard''': I'm trying to give you what you want. 
:'''Jimmy''': What I want? I don't... I think this is what ''you'' want. You wanna beat the shit out of me? Legally? 
:'''Howard''': I think you can hold up your end. You must've gotten into a few good scrapes in your old neighborhood. 
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, right. I could've been a contender. 
:'''Howard''': Indulge me. Let's see what we see. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause; smiles]'' Thanks for the laughs. ''[chuckles]'' &quot;Mr. Ward.&quot; 
:''[Jimmy laughs and starts to walk out, but stops. He and Howard are seen suited up with boxing gloves as they begin their fight. They both land a few punches on each other, but Howard eventually knocks Jimmy down]'' 
:'''Howard''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've mistaken my kindness for weakness. I like to think that tonight made a difference. I like to think that this ends it. ''[pause; shakes his head]'' Probably not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': I should've left Howard standing there like a yutz. Instead I let him suck me into his game. Why did I do that?
:'''Kim''': You had your reasons. 
:'''Jimmy''': I did? Like what?
:'''Kim''': Because... you know. 
:'''Jimmy''': I know...?
:'''Kim''': ''[holds Jimmy's hand]'' You know what's coming next.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo has travelled to Germany using an alias, and meets Margarethe, Werner's widow, at a bar]''
:'''Margarethe''': I knew his work was dangerous. I never imagined such a thing, but... I suppose I try not to. 
:'''Lalo''': That is terrible. What kind of accident was it?
:'''Margarethe''': A cave-in.
:'''Lalo''': Cave-in?
:'''Margarethe''': He was able to save his men. He got them out, but then... the structure collapsed.
:'''Lalo''': So your husband was a hero.
:'''Margarethe''': ''[smiles]'' He would never accept that. My Werner was too humble.
:'''Lalo''': ...And what were they building there?
:'''Margarethe''': My husband didn't talk much about his work. It was very secretive. 
:'''Lalo''': Oh... I'm sure he must have told you something. 
:'''Margarethe''': The lawyers came to my house. I asked questions, they wouldn't say much.
:'''Lalo''': ''[shakes his head]'' Lawyers.
:'''Margarethe''': They went through Werner's things. Took anything that they called, uh... Oh, how do you say it? ''[pause]'' Proprietary? I'm sorry, my English is—
:'''Lalo''': Oh, it's excellent. 
:'''Margarethe''': I didn't care about it. All the boxes of folders, his papers. Why do I need all that stuff?
:'''Lalo''': And what about your husband's men? I mean, they must have said something to you.
:'''Margarethe''': Werner loved ''deine jungs''—his boys—but I never even met them. 
:'''Lalo''': What do you mean? Not even at the funeral?
:'''Margarethe''': You'd think they would want to pay respect to the man who saved their lives. They sent flowers, keepsakes, and so on... but not one of them showed his face. 
:'''Lalo''': Wow. That is... ''[sighs]'' It's just not right.

=== ''[[w:Axe and Grind | Axe and Grind]]'' [6.06] ===
:''[Casper, one of Werner's former workers, spots Lalo approaching his home while chopping wood]''
:'''Lalo''': ''Guten tag!''
:'''Casper''': ''Guten tag.'' ''[in German]'' This is private property. Who are you looking for? Are you lost?
:'''Lalo''': ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. I don't speak any German!
:'''Casper''': ''[in English]'' Are you lost?
:'''Lalo''': It's a beautiful place you have here. The air, it's just so... ''fresh!''
:'''Casper''': ...Do I know you?
:'''Lalo''': Well, I don't think we've ''officially'' met-
:''[Casper grabs his axe and runs inside a nearby wooden shed while Lalo draws his gun. Lalo searches when he's suddenly dropped by a blow from Casper]''
:'''Casper''': Who are you?! '''''Who are you?!'''''
:'''Lalo''': ''[strained]'' Ed-Eduardo... Salamanca! I'm not here for you... This is about Fring. Guh- I want to know... I want to know what he's building.
:'''Casper''': How did you find me?
:'''Lalo''': Ma- Marga... M-Margarethe Z-Ziegler.
:'''Casper''': What have you done to her?!
:'''Lalo''': Nothing, nothing. You sent her a gi- a gift. ''[pulls out a business card and shows it to Casper]''
:'''Casper''': ''Was ist das?''
:''[Lalo's hidden a razor blade behind the card. He springs up and cuts Casper's face, then grabs his axe and cuts his foot off]''
:'''Lalo''': ''[cheerfully] Carajo!'' I think you broke one of my ribs! ''[tosses Casper his belt]'' Here. Tie that off... before you bleed to death. ''You and I are gonna have a '''talk.'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Holy shit! The Jackson Mercer Foundation, that's like... the good housekeeping seal of approval.
:'''Kim''': Well, it's not a done deal. Some of the foundation board members are flying in next week to meet the lieutenant governor at a luncheon in Santa Fe, so... they are inviting a select group of people with... Cliff called them, &quot;up-and-coming organizations,&quot; and uh... Yeah. Cliff thinks I have a good shot. 
:'''Jimmy''': A good shot? You have more than a shot! They are gonna love you on sight!
:'''Kim''': The only thing is the lunch is on D-Day.
:'''Jimmy''': So, what? That's—You don't have to be there on the day! Was Eisenhower on Omaha Beach? No. Kim, this is great, right? It's ''huge!''
:'''Kim''': ...It is pretty great! ''[laughs]''
:'''Jimmy''': Kim, this is fantastic! ''[kisses Kim]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy has Francesca call HHM and pose as a relative of a Sandpiper resident to get details about the upcoming mediation]''
:'''Jimmy''': What is the hold up?
:'''Francesca''': I just... I don't know if I'm comfortable. Is this even legal?
:'''Jimmy''': I'm sorry, which one of us went to law school? Because I can stand here and go through the ins and outs of what's quote-unquote legal with you, but we're on the clock.
:'''Francesca''': I just don't—
:'''Jimmy''': Francesca, let's get something straight, okay? We can't be holding a graduate seminar in constitutional law every time I give you something to do.
:'''Francesca''': But I—I'm not sure if—
:'''Jimmy''': You know what I'm paying you? It is above market. To whom much is given, much is expected! ''[takes out cell phone and starts dialing a number]''
:'''Francesca''': We're not gonna make a habit of this?
:'''Jimmy''': Of course not! Absolutely not. No, no, no. ''[gives phone to Francesca]'' Put it on speaker and let me... ''[moves closer]''
:'''HHM Employee #1''': Hamlin Hamlin McGill.
:'''Francesca''': Hi... there. I'm calling because my—my mother is... is—Well, I guess she's a—a client of yours. She lives in, uh, Sandpiper Assisted Living.
:'''HHM Employee #1''': Sandpiper, of course. Let me transfer you.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Francesca while she's on hold]'' It's just a phone call. 
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Good afternoon. Do you have a question about the Sandpiper case?
:'''Francesca''': ''[waits for Jimmy to nod]'' Yes. My mother's out of the facility in Amarillo. Says she's supposed to call in to some meeting on Thursday?
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Yes, you're talking about the mediation?
:'''Francesca''': That's it. The thing is, she's lost her dial-in instructions. ''[sighs nervously]'' I'm just looking everywhere and can't find them.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': I'd be happy to help you with that. It's very important to us that all the class members are fully looked in. What's your mother's name?
:'''Francesca''': ''[Tells name mouthed by Jimmy]'' Uh, Marnie Stuber. ''[watches Jimmy form the letters as she spells aloud]'' That's–that's S-T-U-B-E-R. ''[sighs nervously again when Jimmy tries to cheer her up]'' Oh, bless your heart. She'll be so relieved!
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay, it's very simple. The meeting is happening at our offices. So she just has to call the main line—the same number you called just now—press 7, and then enter the passcode. I can give that to you now. Do you have a pen?
:'''Francesca''': Uh... ''[Jimmy quickly takes out a pen]'' Y–yeah, I'm ready.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay. It's 842159. ''[Jimmy writes the numbers on his hand]'' 
:'''Francesca''': 842159?
:'''HHM Employee #2''': That's right.
:'''Francesca''': Okay! Uh, thank you so much. Really appreciate it.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Of course, take care. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[hangs up immediately]'' Was that so hard?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy sees the real Rand Casimiro at a liquor store wearing a cast that was not shown in the fake photos he shot earlier. He bolts out of there and gets in his car before being seen by the judge.]''
:'''Jimmy''': FUCK! ''[bangs on steering wheel and chuckles nervously before dialing Kim on his cell phone]''
:''[Cut to Kim driving on the highway to Santa Fe.]'' 
:'''Kim''': &quot;Ultimately, it's about equal justice, a system that works for everyone. A justice system that works for everyone, and what is more important than that?&quot; ''[hears phone ringing and answers it]'' Hey, Jimmy.
:'''Jimmy''': Flag on the play! You're not gonna believe this, but I just ran into Casimiro—the real one.
:'''Kim''': Oh, God.
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, and before you ask, he didn't shave his mustache. ''He broke his arm.'' 
:'''Kim''': Are you serious?
:'''Jimmy''': The guy has a giant cast on his left arm! And I checked all the pictures and you can see his arm in every single one of them! No cast, clear as day! 
:'''Kim''': Shit! SHIT!
:'''Jimmy''': I KNOW! I '''KNOW!''' Uh... But, hey. Hey, hey, look at it this way: If I hadn't seen him... I mean, that would've really—that really could've sunk us. Right? So, we're gonna pull the plug and we are going to live to fight another day.
:'''Kim''': ...What other day? 
:'''Jimmy''': Well, we'll figure it out. I promise, okay? So, just go. Just do your thing in Santa Fe, and we'll regroup when you get home tonight. ''[beat; Kim says nothing]'' Kim? Kim, you still there? 
:'''Kim''': Yes.
:'''Jimmy''': Did you hear what I said?
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' It happens today. 
:''[Kim quickly turns around and starts driving back to Albuquerque.]''

=== ''[[w:Plan and Execution | Plan and Execution]]'' [6.07] ===
:''[An intern at HHM, Cary, drops soda cans when he sees Howard setting up the conference room for the Sandpiper mediation]''
:'''Cary''': Uh, excuse me, Mr. Hamlin! I-I was told I should restock the fridge before the meeting.
:'''Howard''': No worries. Here, let me give you a hand.
:'''Cary''': Thank you!
:'''Howard''': Uh, you're... Gary?
:'''Cary''': Cary! Anderson.
:'''Howard''': Mm... of course. Cary. ''[sees Cary stocking the fridge with the dropped cans]'' Cary, what happens when you drop or shake a can of soda?
:'''Cary''': ...Right. ''[mimes explosion]'' I'm sorry, I'm, uh...
:'''Howard''': Here, let me show you a little trick. ''[picks up and spins a soda can]'' Something about the centrifugal force pulls the bubbles from the inside of the can, stops it from exploding. Don't want our clients to get a surprise now, do we?
:'''Cary''': That works?
:''[Howard opens the can without incident and takes a sip]''
:'''Cary''': Alright!
:'''Howard''': You know who taught me that trick? ''[points at the picture of Chuck in the conference room]'' He used to do it. Had a habit - anytime he opened a can, almost unconsciously. I asked him about it once... just his way of being prepared for anything, accidental or otherwise. 
:'''Cary''': Um, I'm sorry, I'm... kinda new here. I- I have to ask, who is that?
:'''Howard''': Charles McGill. The &quot;M&quot; in HHM. Greatest legal mind I ever knew.
:'''Cary''': Wow! I hope someone says that about me someday.
:'''Howard''': Well... maybe there are more important things.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Howard, Cliff, and the rest of the parties in the Sandpiper mediation are in the HHM conference room; Rand Casimiro is seated at the head of the table; Jimmy and Kim listen in on the meeting through a disposable cell phone in Saul Goodman's office]''
:'''Rand Casimiro:''' Hello. I know we're all anxious to get things started but you'll have to suffer through my traditional spiel, unfortunately. My name is Rand Casimiro, and I am your mediator for these proceedings. Now, I'm happy to be here. But at the end, hopefully all of you in the room and those listening from various locations ''won't'' be happy with me. And why do I say that? Because the best solutions mean compromise. It's compromise from both sides. That's my goal. But as my wife always says, compromising doesn't mean I'm right and she's wrong. ''[chuckles]'' So, let us move forward—
:'''Howard:''' ''Hmph.''
:''[Everyone in the conference room turns to Howard]''
:'''Cliff:''' ...Howard?
:'''Howard:''' I-I'm... Wow. ''[pause]'' I'm... I'm sorry. I don't think we can proceed with these negotiations today.
:'''Rich:''' Why not?
:'''Howard:''' Well, let's just say, circumstances beyond any of our control.
:'''Rich:''' Well, I'm going to have to insist that you be more specific.
:'''Howard:''' Well, our mediator here keeps using the word &quot;compromise&quot; when ''he'', in fact, is compromised.
:'''Casimiro:''' I beg your pardon?
:'''Howard:''' I think you heard me.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...?
:'''Howard:''' You drive a silver Miata, correct? 
:'''Casimiro:''' I do.
:'''Howard:''' And this morning, around 7 a.m., you walked across Trumbull Park in town?
:'''Casimiro:''' No. 
:'''Howard:''' You didn't stop at the park this morning?
:'''Casimiro:''' I didn't. I got to Albuquerque early, not at 7 a.m. And I didn't go to a park.
:'''Howard:''' You sure?
:'''Cliff:''' Howard, if the judge says he's sure, then I&amp;ndash;
:'''Casimiro:''' Of course I'm sure! If it matters, I arrived in town about ten, I stopped at a gas station, I went by a liquor store and bought a gift. I had a lunch salad and a very nice latté from the Flying Star on Menaul. I read ''[[w:Barron's_(newspaper)|Barron's]]''. Then came here.
:'''Howard:''' ''Mmmm''. So you weren't in town to visit our mutual acquaintance, James Morgan McGill? Or maybe you know him as &quot;Saul Goodman&quot;. 
:'''Casimiro:''' I don't know anyone by either of those names.
:'''Howard:''' Okay. You want to go that way? ''[to his secretary]'' Julie, go to my desk, please. There's an envelope with photos. Bring it to me quickly.
:'''Julie:''' Oh. Okay. ''[leaves]''
:'''Cliff:''' Howard, can we have a sidebar&amp;ndash;?
:'''Casimiro:''' I'm sorry. These photos &amp;ndash; these are photos of me? 
:'''Howard:''' They show exactly what I'm describing.
:'''Casimiro:''' You were following me?
:'''Howard:''' I had a private investigator following Jimmy McGill. You were photographed receiving what I estimate to be a $20,000 payoff this morning in the park.
:'''Rich:''' I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is just&amp;ndash; ''[sighs; to Howard]'' You recommended this judge as a mediator and we agreed. And now... ''Jimmy?'' Jimmy McGill &amp;ndash; who originated this suit &amp;ndash; is ''what?'' 
:'''Howard:''' A-admittedly, it all sounds a bit baroque. But when you see the photos, things will be clearer.
:'''Casimiro:''' Well, I'm looking forward to that.
:''[long pause; Julie enters the room with the envelope]''
:'''Julie:''' I have the pictures, Mr. Hamlin. 
:'''Howard:''' Thank you, Julie. ''[opens the envelope]'' And now, take a look.
:''[Howard looks at the photos with Cliff, Schweikart, Casimiro, Irene and Julie looking behind him. Instead of an actor dressed as Casimiro as he had seen earlier, the photos show Jimmy sitting at a park bench exchanging a frisbee with the Sound Guy, dressed as a jogger]''
:'''Casimiro:''' ...Is that supposed to be ''me''?
:'''Howard:''' I, uh... This is... This is not... Julie, you got the wrong envelope.
:'''Julie:''' That was the only one on your desk.
:'''Howard:''' Look again!
:''[Julie leaves]''
:'''Howard:''' They-they've been switched. Somehow he switched them.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...
:'''Howard:''' No. Jimmy &amp;ndash; he snuck in somehow, and these are not the pictures I saw.
:''[Howard turns to Erin, who notices that his pupils are now dilated]''
:'''Erin:''' Mr. Hamlin, are you all right? Your eyes...
:'''Howard:''' ''[agitated]'' I am fine! This is all something that will be sorted out, I am confident!
:''[Cliff rises and guides Howard out of his seat]''
:'''Cliff:''' I think a recess is in order.
:'''Howard:''' Nobody move! Evidence has been tampered with!
:'''Cliff:''' Now Howard, please!
:''[Howard and Cliff leave the conference room. Everyone left behind is stunned silent]''
:'''Irene:''' ...Is this how these usually go?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Cliff confronts Howard in his office after the fiasco in the conference room]''
:'''Howard:''' Cliff? Is that you? I'm not crazy, and I'm not on drugs. Please, come in. Now somehow, some way, that son of a bitch gave me something that dilated my pupils. I-I don't know what. But it's wearing off already, look. ''[gestures toward his eyes]'' 
:'''Cliff:''' You say that Jimmy McGill drugged you? How is that possible?
:'''Howard:''' The-the photos. They were wet with... ''something''.
:'''Cliff:''' The missing photos.
:'''Howard:''' Yeah. My P.I., Genidowski, had to have been in on it. He-he must have shown me one set of photos and then switched them after I left the office. 
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...
:'''Howard:''' Three weeks ago, Julie got a call from our detective agency. They wanted to update their contact info, so of course she changed the number in the system. But it turns out, it wasn't them. That was Jimmy. So when I needed an investigator to follow Jimmy, I called his fake number and his fake man. She just dialed the old number and, of course, got the actual agency. And, no surprise, no one by the name of Genidowski had ever worked there. I hired a con man. I got played. Every step of the way. I know what it sounds like, but you have to believe me.
:'''Cliff:''' I... It doesn't matter. Rich went back to the previous offer. I'll give a recommend to the class that we take it.
:'''Howard:''' No. No way. We do not let Jimmy win this.
:'''Cliff:''' Why would Jimmy even do this? He's a profit participant! This means less money for him!
:'''Howard:''' Because he's a child! He wants his money now! He begged me months ago to settle! You know what he does!
:'''Cliff:''' Whatever the truth is, we'll never get back to where we were before mediation. We have to settle.
:'''Howard:''' I'm lead attorney. And I won't sanction that decision.
:'''Cliff:''' Then I'm obligated to go to the partners and explain everything I've seen &amp;ndash; all of it. You think you're gonna be able to convince them it was all Jimmy McGill?
:'''Howard:''' ...Okay then. We go to trial. Cliff, this case is incredibly strong. I put this thing in front of a jury, then everything will&amp;ndash;
:'''Cliff:''' I'm not thinking about you, Howard. I'm not thinking about Jimmy. I'm thinking about the time, the expense, the uncertainty. I'm thinking about our clients!
:''[Howard bows his head in defeat.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo records a video message for Eladio while he's hiding in the sewers surveilling Gus' laundromat. The dialogue switches between Spanish and English.]''
:'''Lalo''': Don Eladio. Guess who?  It's Lalo, I'm alive! ''[chuckles]'' I'm here in beautiful downtown Albuquerque. ''[pans the camera around his belongings]'' Been here... four nights? Now, you may be asking, &quot;What am I doing down in this shithole?&quot; Well, [[w:Axe and Grind|a little Croatian bird told me a secret]]. Eh, he put up a hell of a fight, but he told me. Look. ''[points the camera at his target, Lavanderia Brilliante]'' See that? Right there... Fring's secret. Now, I've been watching and Fring hides his guards very well, but they're there, dressed like laundry workers. ''[zooms in on one &quot;worker&quot;]'' See? That's one there. They're hiding guns under the uniforms, but I see. I have a pretty good idea of what I'm up against. ''[points the camera back at himself]'' I can tell you what's in there. A big hole where a German engineer, Werner Ziegler, designed the perfect place to hide the... ''[in English]'' &quot;mother of all meth labs.&quot; ''[in Spanish]'' Well, that's my story. And Fring? Fring will have his story, a good one, and Bolsa will back him because he's an... ''[in English]'' &quot;earner.&quot; ''[in Spanish]'' So tonight, I go in... kill all the guards and show you the proof. And then? You decide... ''Adios.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim are watching a movie in Kim's apartment when they hear a knock at the door. It's revealed to be Howard, disheveled and holding a bottle of Macallan scotch whisky.]''
:'''Howard:''' Can I come in? 
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah. Come on.
:'''Howard:''' Kim.
:'''Kim:''' Howard. You doing okay?
:'''Howard:''' I'm fine. Sorry to interrupt this, but I brought you a gift.
:'''Jimmy:''' A gift? What's the occasion?
:'''Howard:''' Your brother and I, we always had a meeting with Mr. Macallan after a big victory. Usually some brilliant summation by Chuck, that goes without saying. So this, this is for you. You earned it. You won.
:'''Jimmy:''' Won? Uh, what did I win?
:'''Howard:''' ''[pause]'' I get it. Of course you both have to play it this way. You're both so very good at it. 
:'''Kim:''' It's late, Howard. Do you want to tell us what this is about?
:'''Howard:''' I was wondering that too. ''[walks to the kitchen]'' What it's all about. I mean, what do you tell yourselves? What justification makes it okay? &quot;Howard's such an asshole that he deserves it?&quot; ''[offers two glasses to Jimmy and Kim]'' 
:'''Jimmy:''' We're good.
:'''Howard:''' So, what is it? I sided with Chuck too often? ''[points to Kim]'' I took away your office, put you in doc review? All of the above? Howard's daddy helped him get to the top, but you both had to struggle. &quot;Howie has so much and we have so little, let's take him down a peg or two.&quot; What allows you to do this to me? Because this isn't just a prank. No. This goes beyond [[w:Namaste (Better Call Saul)|throwing bowling balls on my car]]. This took planning, coordination. I mean, how many weeks? Or-or-or was it months? It couldn't have been easy. So tell me, why? Why go through this elaborate plot just to burn me to the ground?
:'''Jimmy:''' &quot;Burn you to the ground?&quot; Howard, come on. Y-you'll be fine. You always land on your feet.
:'''Howard:''' Yeah, sure. The Sandpiper settlement—HHM's share will be substantial, absolutely. Even though I humiliated myself. And my clients and peers will whisper that Howard Hamlin's a drug addict. You're right. I've worked my way through worse. Debt. Depression. My marriage falling apart.
:''[Jimmy blinks in surprise. He and Kim exchange looks]''
:'''Howard:''' Oh, yeah. Been sleeping in the guest house for the better part of a year. Just one more thing that good ol' Howard has to work through. But yes, I will land on my feet. I will be okay. But you? Far from it. You two... you two are soulless. Jimmy, you can't help yourself. Chuck knew it. You were ''born'' that way. ''[to Kim]'' But you—one of the smartest and most promising human beings I've ever known, and ''this'' is the life you choose. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright, you're too tight to drive, I'm calling a cab—
:'''Howard:''' Oh good, phony compassion. And you know what? Very, very believable. But I'm far from done.
:'''Kim:''' Oh no no no. You are done, Howard. Sorry, but you need to stop this now and you need to go home.
:'''Howard:''' You're perfect for each other. You have a piece missing. I-I-I thought you did it for the money, but it-it—Now it's so clear. Screw the money, you did it for fun! You get off on it! You're like [[w:Leopold and Loeb|Leopold and Loeb]], two sociopaths—
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright, that's enough.
:'''Howard:''' Oh, you know it's true, you just don't have the guts to admit it.
:'''Kim:''' Great. Now you need to go.
:'''Howard:''' I'm gonna make it clear to everyone, because I'm going to dedicate my life to making sure that everybody knows the truth. Believe it. You can't hide who you really are forever.
:''[Jimmy reflexively shields Kim as Lalo Salamanca enters the room; Jimmy is stunned]''
:'''Jimmy:''' How...
:''[Howard turns around and see Lalo, who non-chalantly stands next to him]''
:'''Kim:''' H-Howard... Howard. Howard, you need to leave.
:'''Howard:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Who are you?
:'''Lalo:''' Me? Nobody. I just need to talk to my lawyers.
:'''Howard:''' ''[scoffs]'' Oh, is that right? You want some advice? Find better lawyers.
:'''Kim:''' Howard, please j-just... just... just turn around—
:'''Lalo:''' No, no, no, no, no. Take your time.
:'''Howard:''' ''[to Kim]'' What's this about? 
:''[Lalo calmly takes a pistol out of his pocket and screws a silencer onto the muzzle]''
:'''Kim:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Please... please, just tell us what you want.
:'''Lalo:''' ''[shrugs]'' Like I said. To talk.
:'''Howard:''' I, uh... I think I'm in the middle of something, uh... There's really no need to—
:''[Lalo puts the gun to Howard's head and pulls the trigger; Howard falls onto the floor, killed instantly. Jimmy and Kim scream.]''
:'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Please, no!''
:'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''No! No!''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[holds out his hand to quiet them down]'' ''Shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh.'' Okay. Let's talk.

=== ''[[w:Point and Shoot (Better Call Saul) | Point and Shoot]]'' [6.08] ===
:''[Jimmy and Kim are cowering in terror when Lalo forces them to sit on their couch]''
:'''Jimmy''': I never turned on you. I didn't. I only worked for you in the desert. I was on your side the whole time.
:'''Lalo''': Shhh. ''[motions for Jimmy to sit down with his gun]'' I don't care. You two... ''[chuckles; shakes his head]'' God, you two and your mouths! ''Dios mío!'' Now, ''you listen.'' ''[tosses car keys to Jimmy]'' My car's downstairs. Press the clicker, and you'll find it. This... ''[holds up small piece of paper]'' is where you are going. Don't speed, don't weave, don't cut anyone off. Just, you know, drive nice. From here, ''[checks watch]'' at this hour... I'd take 40 east, get off at Carlisle, take the third left. The rest I drew a little map for you on the back. It's not hard. So... big white brick house with a solid black door. You can't miss it. It's right at the end of the T. Park a little down the street and not up front. It's a quiet neighborhood, so you'll have plenty of options. Stating the obvious here maybe, but... turn the car off, right? So, in the glove compartment, I left you a present. There's a camera and there's a gun. And you're gonna need both.
:'''Jimmy''': A gun?
:'''Lalo''': Yeah, yeah, yeah. But don't worry. I mean, it's–it's easy. It's a revolver. It's already loaded, no safety—it's idiot proof. So, you go up to that house, you walk right up to that black door. Don't run. Just be casual, like a stroll, you know? Keep the gun somewhere behind you where they can't see it. You ring the bell, you count to three, you step back. They look through the peephole, you're as innocent as can be. Door opens, you point... and you shoot. And you keep on pulling that trigger until it's empty. ''[pause]'' Simple. 
:'''Jimmy''': You–you want me to—?!
:'''Lalo''': I know, I know. ''[casually nudges Howard's dead body with his foot]'' You're a lawyer, and you're not a killer. But look, you can do this, okay? This guy, he's a housecat! Black, medium height, short hair, glasses! He kinda looks like a librarian... but don't be fooled. Even a housecat can scratch. So, that's it. Hard part's over. Now, you pull out the camera. Same principle as the gun: Point and shoot. Take a picture. One where I can see the face ''clearly''... and then you bring it back here where, me and Mrs. Goodman will be waiting for you. And then you're done! I'd say it's about a twenty minute drive over there... ''[Jimmy looks nervously at Kim]'' twenty minutes back. Maybe ten minutes to do the job. Let's go with an hour altogether. So, you're back here in an hour, or—
:''[Jimmy forcibly turns on the Saul Goodman charm]''
:'''Jimmy''': Send her.
:'''Kim''': ...What?! 
:'''Jimmy''': She should do it.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy...
:'''Lalo''': ''[pause]'' Why her? 
:'''Kim''': ''[whispers to Jimmy]'' Don't do this.
:'''Jimmy''': This guy, the–the housecat.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy, please.
:'''Jimmy''': He looks through his peephole... 
:'''Kim''': ''Please.''
:'''Jimmy''': ...in the middle of the night, and he sees me? &quot;Who's this asshole? What's he doing?&quot; Maybe–maybe he gets ''his'' gun, maybe he calls the cops. Either way, that door stays shut. But he sees a woman...
:'''Kim''': No.
:'''Jimmy''': ...she looks like she's in distress. Maybe her car broke down. ''[chuckles]'' I mean, you'd open the door for her, wouldn't you?
:'''Kim''': Stop! Stop!
:'''Lalo''': Yeah, but... she's really clever. I don't know if she's gonna stick to the plan.
:'''Jimmy''': She will.
:'''Kim''': No, no, no.
:'''Jimmy''': No cops. You know she will.
:'''Kim''': No. No, this... This doesn't even make any sense! I–I–I've never shot a gun before! I've never even held one!  
:'''Jimmy''': Like I have.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy, what are you doing?! 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo while pointing at Kim]'' You know she's the best choice.
:'''Kim''': No, I'm not! I don't—I can't! I can't do it! 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo]'' She can do it. You know she can do it!
:'''Kim''': No! Jimmy, I'll stay! Stop! Just stop! 
:'''Jimmy''': You know I'm right! Listen! 
:'''Kim''': Stop it! Shut up! 
:'''Jimmy''': Listen! 
:'''Kim''': SHUT UP!
:'''Lalo''': ''[rolls his eyes]'' Oh, my God! Okay, fine! Yeah, heard! Whatever. Give her the keys, give her the address. Let's go. ''[walks toward the front door]'' 
:'''Kim''': ''[to Jimmy]'' No. Don't... Don't.
:'''Jimmy''': You... you gotta go.
:'''Kim''': ''[softly]'' Don't do this.
:'''Jimmy''': Come on. Hey... ''[whispering]'' Let's go.
:''[Kim reluctantly gets up and is about to leave the apartment, but Lalo stops her]''
:'''Lalo''': Hold on. ''[pause; Kim looks at him]'' You're gonna need your shoes, right? 
:''[Kim stares at Jimmy while she puts her shoes on]'' 
:'''Lalo''': There you go! Okay, ''[looks at watch]'' so one hour starting... now. Clock's ticking, Mrs. Goodman.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo ties Jimmy to a chair while interrogating him about the assassination attempt at his hacienda]'' 
:'''Lalo''': You know, after I saw you last, I went home. My home. ''Mi cielito lindo''... And you know what happened? Men came. Armed men, in the middle of the night. To my home. Trying to get to me. And you know what they did? They killed people I care about. They killed my cook. My gardener. A seventeen-year-old kid I knew since he was knee-high. Never hurt a fly. Butchered my housekeeper, Yolanda. ''Una viejita, cabrón.'' They shot her in the back. 
:'''Jimmy''': ...I'm sorry.
:'''Lalo''': Now, how did these men... get into my home? Do you know? 
:'''Jimmy''': I... I have–I have no idea.
:'''Lalo''': Ignacio Varga. ''He'' let them in. And who did Ignacio introduce me to? ''[taps Jimmy's head]'' You.
:'''Jimmy''': Ignacio... Nacho? ''[brief pause]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa! I–I barely know Ignacio! Whatever he did, he did alone! Not with me! Listen, you gotta believe me! Hand to God, I had no part in this—it wasn't me! ''It was '''Igna—''''' 
:''[Lalo sneaks up from behind and gags Jimmy with a rolled-up shirt]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[through the gag]'' Ignacio! It's not me! Listen, listen! I–I don't know about...
:'''Lalo''': Save it. ''[looks Jimmy in the eyes]'' I'm gonna come back. And then you... are gonna tell me ''the whole story.''
:''[Before leaving the apartment, Lalo presses play on the movie Jimmy and Kim were watching earlier and turns up the volume. He picks up Jimmy's car keys by the front door.]''
:'''Lalo''': Ford Taurus... taupe? ''[rolls eyes and shakes his head before leaving]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike disarms Kim and forces her inside Gus' house before she can shoot. Gus watches Mike question her through surveillance monitors at his neighbors' residence.]''
:'''Kim''': What are you doing?! I–I have to go! I have to—No, wait! 
:'''Mike''': Ms. Wexler, I'd like you to sit down.
:'''Kim''': He'll–He'll kill him! You have to... You—
:'''Mike''': Now, sit there and be calm!
:'''Kim''': No, I have to get back! ''I have to get back!''
:'''Mike''': ''[restrains her and forces her back down]'' Sit ''still''... and stay calm. Now, if you take a deep breath—a ''deep'' breath—nothing's gonna happen here until you calm yourself. Alright? Now, who is killing who?
:'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca! Lalo is going to kill Jimmy! ''[Mike looks shocked]'' He's there! He–he is there with Jimmy now!
:'''Mike''': Salamanca is at your apartment?!
:'''Kim''': Yes! He sent ''me!'' He–he wanted to send Jimmy, but then he sent me.
:'''Mike''': To do what exactly?! ''[pause; Kim hyperventilates]'' Ms. Wexler, you stay with me! What were you supposed to do here?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat; points at a man who looks identical to Gus]'' Shoot him. I'm–I'm supposed to shoot him, and then take a photo, and then get back. That's it. I only have twenty minutes left! Please! ''[Mike quickly looks and nods at one of his guys]'' He is ''alone'' with him!
:'''Mike''': Alright, stay put. We'll handle this. We ''will'' handle this. ''[to Victor]'' You call Tyrus. Get him to the condo ''now.''
:'''Kim''': You said you were watching us! WHERE WERE YOU?! HUH?! ''[Mike leaves]'' '''WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!''' 
:''[Kim tries to get up, but Victor stands in her way and forces her to sit down again]'' 
:'''Victor''': You heard what the man said.
:''[Mike walks through the corridor connecting the two homes and reports to Gus.]''
:'''Mike''': You heard all that? ''[Gus nods]'' Alright. You hunker down here. ''[to two bodyguards]'' You two, you stay with him. A dog barks too loud, you are on the phone with me. ''[to Arthur and Tyrus]'' You two, come with me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After growing restless over Lalo's whereabouts, Gus calls Victor and asks him to speak to Kim about Lalo]''
:'''Gus''': Why did Lalo send you?
:'''Kim''': Who is this? 
:'''Victor''': Answer him. ''[points behind him]''
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' He didn't want to send me. Not at first. He wanted to send my husband... but my husband talked him out of it because he wanted to get me out of there.
:'''Gus''': He... talked Lalo out of it?
:'''Kim''': That's right. ''[pause]'' Now that I've told you everything I know, please tell me. Tell me who—
:''[Gus hangs up the phone and looks at his bodyguards]'' 
:'''Gus''': Come with me. Both of you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo records another video message for Don Eladio while holding Gus at gunpoint at the laundromat. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Lalo:''' Don Eladio, look who we have here. The one and only Gustavo Fring. [''chuckles''] And wearing body armor! Too bad they don't make armor for your head, eh? Now we're gonna take a little walk and show you around. ''Vamanos''. [''clicks tongue''] Don, I would've liked it if we didn't have to rush this so much. We could sit by your pool... strip this snake's skin off, inch by inch. Take our time, have some fun. But he shows up now... who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth? 
:''[Gus stops at one of the large washers]''
:'''Lalo:''' A big machine hides a big secret. We have about... thirteen minutes until his bald ''gringo'' gets here with the cavalry, so Gustavo is going to have to give us the nickel tour. ''[beat; shoots Gus in the chest]'' Like I was saying, Gustavo is going to show us around. 
:''[Gus walks around and pushes a button, which opens the secret passage to the underground meth lab]'' 
:'''Lalo:''' ''Ha!'' Magnificent! I had a bathtub that did this, but... credit where credit is due, this is better. ''[laughs]'' ''Hijo de puta''. 
:''[Gus leads Lalo down a ladder and turns on the lights]''
:'''Lalo:''' [''chuckles; in English''] Okay. Drumroll, please. ''D-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r''... Ta-da! ''[laughs]'' ''Cadenza de wow'', no? ''[in Spanish]'' Don Eladio, I've heard some stories about this place. It took a bunch of German engineers ten months to build all of this. They used two hundred pounds of high explosive. Dug out 120,000 cubic meters of dirt and rock. And all... without disturbing the laundry up there. In the middle of a city with a million people! That's pretty badass, right? 
:''[Gus trips and falls to the ground when Lalo pushes his pistol against his back]''
:'''Lalo''': One moment, Don. ''[puts the camcorder between his teeth as he switches the magazines of his pistol]'' Think of the laboratory you could put here, Don Eladio. ''Eh?'' How much meth you could make... that was his plan. Cut you out to become boss. And now here we are, in this big hole! ''[cackles]'' Gustavo thought he was building an empire, but all he built himself was a tomb. 
:'''Gus:''' You can't kill me.
:'''Lalo:''' Why not?
:'''Gus:''' I haven't told that fat pig Eladio what I think of him yet. 
:'''Lalo:''' ''Hoo-hoo!'' Perfect! You've got one minute. 
:'''Gus:''' Eladio... you greasy, bloated pimp. You talk of honor. But you have none. A pack of stray dogs fighting for scraps has more honor. Jackals. That's all you are! No vision. No patience. No thought. Stupid and impulsive! That is how I did all this. You couldn't see it, couldn't even conceive of it. And you Salamancas... you're the worst vermin of all. You say you believe in &quot;blood for blood&quot; but you only understand blood for money! You're whores!  ''[in English]'' I understand blood for blood. Hector? Yeah, I kept him alive. Kept him broken. I will save him to the last. Before he dies, he will know '''''I''' buried every one of you.'' 
:'''Lalo:''' ''[sniggers]'' Big talk. You done?
:'''Gus:''' No. Not yet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy:''' Lalo said he was coming back.
:'''Mike:''' He's not coming.
:'''Jimmy:''' No, he said he was, he told me—
:'''Mike:''' You understand me? He is ''not coming back.'' Let's sit. ''[pause; Jimmy and Kim remain standing]'' '''''SIT.'''''
:''[Jimmy and Kim sit at the foot of their bed; Mike stands in front of them.]''
:'''Mike:''' Alright. Here's what's gonna happen: In a few days, Howard Hamlin's car will be found several states away by the water. The odometer will have rolled to the exact number of miles it took to get there. There will be cocaine in the upholstery. That was the story you were setting up for this guy, yeah? They'll call it a suicide, hoping the body will come washing up. It never will. At some point, you're gonna hear about it. Someone calls you, someone at the courthouse mentions it—the moment that happens—you call the cops. His car was here for hours last night. Good chance somebody noticed it. That means you are the last people to see him alive. Cops are gonna want to hear from you. You tell the cops you saw him—he came here, seemed like maybe he was chemically altered, didn't make a lick of sense. Then he left, that's all you know. You keep telling the lie you've been telling. Now, Ms. Wexler tells me she has court at ten. What's on your docket? ''[Jimmy doesn't answer]'' Hey. ''Listen.'' Where do you need to be?
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh, office. At my office. Clients start showing up around 9:30. ''Oh'', my car is gone.
:'''Mike:''' No. It's on the way home, you'll have it when you need it. So you two are going to go about your day—normal, same as ever. Today, you're Meryl Streep and Laurence Olivier. No staring into space, nothing out of the ordinary, you ''cover.'' Anybody talks to you, it's just another day that ends in Y, that's all. When you get home, we'll be gone and everything will be back the way it was. Now, I need to impress upon you: none of this ever happened. None of it. Understand? Say it out loud, I need to hear it.
:'''Jimmy:''' ...I understand.
:'''Kim:''' ...It never happened.

=== ''[[w:Fun and Games (Better Call Saul) | Fun and Games]]'' [6.09] ===
:'''Jimmy''': One day, we'll... We'll wake up, and brush our teeth, and we'll go to work. And at some point, we'll suddenly realize... [[w:Bad Choice Road | that we hadn't thought about it at all. None of it]]. ''[pause]'' And that's when we'll know. We'll know we can forget.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gus meets with Don Eladio, Juan Bolsa, and the Salamancas late at night. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Eladio''': Don Hector has made a very serious accusation. 
:''[One of the Cousins hands a letter to Don Juan]'' 
:'''Bolsa''': These are Don Hector's words. Dictated to Leonel and Marco, letter by letter. &quot;The assault on my nephew's hacienda failed. Lalo fought the assassins and won. The day after the attack, Lalo called me. I heard the truth from his own lips. It was Fring who sent the mercenaries, not the Peruvians. We kept Lalo's survival a secret. My nephew was about to take his revenge on the traitor, face-to-face. Instead, he disappeared. It is the Chicken Man's doing. Don Eladio, look into Fring's eyes. There you will see the truth. The Chicken Man hates you. He is our enemy. He plots against us. I demand blood for blood.&quot;
:''[Bolsa folds the letter and sits back down]''
:'''Eladio''': Well, Gustavo?
:'''Gus''': ''[pause]'' I have no response.
:'''Bolsa''': Gustavo, you must speak. Have you no defense?
:'''Gus''': With all due respect, I don't believe this merits a response.
:'''Eladio''': Did you witness these phone calls from Lalo? ''[Leonel and Marco shake their heads]'' I was told you saw Lalo's body.
:'''Leonel''': Yes.
:'''Marco''': It was burned.
:'''Eladio''': Didn't the ''federales'' check the teeth?
:'''Bolsa''': Yes, Don Eladio. My brother tells me the dental records matched. 
:'''Eladio''': And that rat, Varga... What did he say before he died?
:'''Bolsa''': He said he was in the pay of the Peruvians, Los Odios. We know he took their money, we found bank statements.
:'''Eladio''': ''[beat; looks at his watch]'' Well... It's late. Don Hector... Since you've come a long way, tonight you sleep in my bed. ''[Hector angrily rings his bell repeatedly in protest]'' No, I insist. No arguing. I'm giving you my room. Very comfortable. And who knows? Maybe a couple of the girls will come to visit! ''[pause; Hector continues ringing his bell]'' Please. ''[Leonel and Marco carry Hector by his wheelchair and leave]'' Good night, Hector. Sleep well. ''[to Gus]'' I'd invite you to stay as well, Gustavo, but... I don't want my breakfast ruined by all the... ''[mocks Hector ringing his bell and laughs]'' Ay-yay-yay. ''[beat]'' The peace must be kept. What do you suggest?
:'''Gus''': I wouldn't presume.
:'''Eladio''': The South Valley will stay Salamanca territory. And the rest of the North, that'll be for you to manage. Working under Bolsa.
:'''Bolsa''': Thank you, Don Eladio.
:'''Gus''': ''[rises with Eladio out of his chair]'' Thank you. Your trust means everything, Don Eladio.
:'''Eladio''': ''Bueno.'' Gustavo... ''[long pause]'' When I looked into your eyes... Hate. A little bit's okay. As long as you never forget who's boss. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike meets with Nacho's father outside his shop to let him know about Nacho's fate]''
:'''Manuel''': Who are you?
:'''Mike''': It's not important.
:'''Manuel''': I saw you here before. [[w:Cobbler (Better Call Saul)|Chrysler Fifth Avenue]]. What about my son?
:'''Mike''': I'm sorry, he won't be found. ''[pause]'' It was over fast. No pain.
:'''Manuel''': You were there?
:'''Mike''': I was there. Your son made some mistakes, he fell in with bad people... but he was never like them. Not really. He had a good heart. One more thing: you won't have to worry about the Salamancas. Their day is coming. There'll be justice.
:'''Manuel''': Justice?
:'''Mike''': I'm sorry, my Spanish - j-''justicia.'' Justice.
:'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' What you talk about... is not justice. What you talk of is... ''revenge.'' It never ends... my boy is gone. ''[scoffs, speaks in Spanish]'' You gangsters and your &quot;justice.&quot; You're all the same.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim approach Cliff and Howard's widow, Cheryl, at a memorial reception in the offices of HHM.]''
:'''Kim:''' Cliff.
:'''Cliff:''' Kim, Jimmy.
:'''Cheryl:''' Kim, hi.
:''[Jimmy extends his hand to Cheryl; she doesn't take it]''
:'''Jimmy:''' Hi, Cheryl. I'm Jimmy McGill. You may not remember me. I'm Chuck McGill's brother.
:'''Cheryl:''' Of course.
:'''Jimmy:''' Very sorry for your loss. ''[sighs]''
:'''Kim:''' Cheryl, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. If Jimmy and I can do anything for you or your family, please just say the word.
:''[Jimmy and Kim are about to walk away]''
:'''Cheryl:''' There is something, actually. You two were the last ones to see him, weren't you?
:'''Kim:''' Um...
:'''Jimmy:''' I guess so. Uh, that's what the police said.
:'''Cheryl:''' Howard told me that you were harassing him, playing elaborate pranks of some sort. That you wouldn't leave him alone.
:'''Jimmy:''' I know he thought that. He—he—he told me as well. Um, I think he honestly believed it.
:'''Cheryl:''' But you're denying it.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' You know what, I didn't leave here under the best terms. The past few years, I could have been more considerate to Howard instead of yitzing him every chance I got. I guess, uh, there was a certain amount of jealousy on my part because Howard had the, uh, respect of my brother. Which I never did. ''[Jimmy steps away]''
:'''Cheryl:''' Tell me what you told the police. 
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' Okay, um... Well, I mean, it was 11pm. Howard started pounding on our door. He was very upset, going on about something, um, he thought was my fault, uh... Guess it had to do with the Sandpiper case. But I—I couldn't make head or tail out of it. We tried to calm him down. But... he just—he just wouldn't, um... Finally, he left. That's—that's it.
:'''Cheryl:''' I'm not oblivious. I know people are saying he was on drugs. Is that what you're trying to tell me?
:'''Jimmy:''' I just... He just didn't seem like himself.
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' Are you hearing all of this? Because none of it makes sense to me. 
:'''Cliff:''' Cheryl, maybe we should just—
:'''Cheryl:''' I don't care what people are saying. I don't care what the police think. Howard was not on drugs. That simply is not true. There's something more to this. 
:'''Kim:''' I don't know if it's my place, but... I—I...
:'''Cheryl:''' Please. Just spit it out. ''[sharply inhales]''
:'''Kim:''' ''[sighs]'' It was about a year-and-a-half ago. I was still an associate here, working late on a brief. And I saw a light on in Howard's office. I assumed the cleaning crew left it on by mistake. And I was sure that office was empty, so I didn't knock.
:'''Cheryl:''' ...And?
:'''Kim:''' And Howard was there at his desk, head down. And he was snorting something. 
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[scoffs]''
:'''Kim:''' I looked at him. He looked at me. I didn't know what to do, so I just walked out. And the next morning, when we saw each other, neither of us ever said anything about it. I never told anyone. But now I wish I had. 
:''[Long pause]''
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' In all the years that you worked with him, have you witnessed anything like this? Even a hint? Cliff...
:'''Cliff:''' I... Cheryl, this really isn't the time or the place.
:''[Cheryl begins to cry]''
:'''Kim:''' Cheryl. You were his wife. You saw him every day. You knew him better than anyone. Maybe I misunderstood what I saw. You would have known. 
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[voice breaking]'' Please excuse me.
:''[Cheryl retreats into a women's restroom]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kim and her client are sitting in a courtroom as the presiding judge, Gabriel Dearden, takes the bench]''
:'''Bailiff:''' All rise. Court is now in session, the Honorable Judge Dearden presiding.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Good afternoon. We are here to discuss a motion to exclude evidence in ''State of New Mexico vs. Yarborough''. 
:'''Kim:''' ''[rises]'' Your honor, if I may. I submitted an additional motion. I'm assuming you have not seen it yet.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Did we get that?
:'''Secretary:''' It just came in, judge.
:''[The secretary approaches the bench and hands the motion to Judge Dearden]''
:'''Kim:''' I apologize, it was a last-minute addition. 
:'''Judge Dearden:''' &quot;Last minute&quot; is right. ''[looking through the motion]'' 
:''[Pause]''
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ...Do I understand this correctly? You're requesting to withdraw from this case?
:'''Kim:''' Yes, your honor. My client is fully informed. And I've already been in touch with another attorney, Paige Novick. She's highly qualified and familiar with the case. She's prepared to step if you'll allow it.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Ms. Wexler, Mr. Orenstein, approach the bench.
:''[Kim and the prosecutor do so]''
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[to Kim]'' Ms. Wexler, we are here today at your insistence to consider your motion to exclude evidence. And this is the moment you choose to withdraw?
:'''Kim:''' It was unavoidable.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' May I ask why?
:'''Kim:''' Personal reasons, your honor.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' &quot;Personal reasons.&quot; Are we talking about a health issue, something to do with a loved one?
:'''Kim:''' No.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you rather discuss privately in chambers?
:'''Kim:''' Thank you for the consideration, but no.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you care to supply any detail at all?
:'''Kim:''' Your honor, I prefer not to.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[pause; to Orenstein]'' ...Mr. Orenstein, is the state prepared to discuss Ms. Wexler's motion?
:'''Orenstein:''' We are, your honor. Absolutely.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' You know what, Ms. Wexler? Mr. Orenstein's here. I'm here. We all showed up for your party, and now you're taking away the punch bowl. I'm inclined to have you argue your motion, then I'll consider later writing petitions. 
:'''Kim:''' I'm sorry for wasting the court's time, your honor, but it's impossible for me to continue with this hearing.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' And why is that, Ms. Wexler?
:'''Kim:''' Because I'm no longer an attorney. 
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[brief pause]'' ...I'm sorry, what?
:'''Kim:''' I gave notice to the bar two hours ago.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy arrives home after hearing the news that Kim has quit her legal career]''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''You did what?!'' Why?! ''WHY?!'' Alright, alright, I know why. But Kim, you can't just—
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy, I—
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Shhh!'' Just let me say my piece, okay? Just—Let's take a breath here! Kim, after everything that happened... I mean, Jesus! I get it! You want to climb out of your own skin! That's natural! But Kim, you don't just throw everything away! Th-th-this is your life! You're a lawyer! What about your clients, huh? What about, uh... that poor guy, Mr. Yarborough? What about the kid in foster care? Huh?! You give them everything you got! Who are they going to find who is half as good as you?! No one! They need you!
:'''Kim:''' It's already done.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Ugh!'' ''[pause]'' Okay, what's done can be undone. All I'm saying is just—just let's take a week or two to think it over. For now, we're gonna take some time off. God knows we need it. We're gonna to find a new place, we're—we're gonna leave here. We're never, ever gonna come back here again. Okay? We're gonna—we're gonna put it behind us! Things will look brighter! I guarantee it! But first we have to fix this. So we're gonna go back to the hotel room, and you're gonna write letters. You're gonna write a letter to the bar, you're gonna write letters to your clients. You—you—you dictate, I will type. We're gonna roll this thing back. I'll order a pizza, we'll pull an all-nighter. Because we're in this together. Okay? So I'm gonna go get your—your printer, and then we're gonna get the hell out of here.
:''[Jimmy turns to head into the bedroom]''
:'''Kim:''' Wait— Jimmy. Jimmy!
:''[Jimmy enters the bedroom to discover half-full boxes and luggage everywhere]''
:'''Kim:''' You asked if you were bad for me. That's not it. We are bad for each other. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Kim. Don't do this. Kim, please.
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy... ''[holding back tears]'' ...I have had the time of my life with you. But we are bad for everyone around us. Other people suffer because of us. Apart we're okay, but together we're poison. 
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[shakes his head]'' No, no. Just tell me what I need to do to change, okay? Just tell me what it is, and I'll do it. 
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy...
:'''Jimmy:''' No, Kim. You make me happy. We make each other happy. How can that be bad? Hey... I love you.
:'''Kim:''' I love you, too. ''[voice breaking]'' But so what? 
:'''Jimmy:''' No. No. No, Kim, you're wrong! ''This is about '''Howard!''''' Okay?! What happened to him wasn't on us! It wasn't your fault! It wasn't ''my'' fault! It was that ''fucking Lalo Salamanca!'' That psychopath came back from the dead and he walked through that door! He did this! Not us, ''him!'' 
:'''Kim:''' I knew.
:'''Jimmy:''' You knew wh-what?
:'''Kim:''' I knew he was alive.
:'''Jimmy:''' No, you didn't.
:'''Kim:''' It was about a month ago. I saw that car following me again. And it turned out that Mike Ehrmantraut had guys watching both of us, watching for Lalo. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Mike... Mike told you that Lalo was alive? ''[Kim nods]'' And you didn't tell me?
:'''Kim:''' ''[pause]'' Jimmy... I thought... I thought it was a one-in-a-million chance that he'd come for us. I thought he would be caught if he did. And I told myself I was protecting you. But that's not the truth. The reason I didn't tell you was because I knew what you'd do.
:'''Jimmy:''' Wh-what would I do?
:'''Kim:''' You'd—you'd blame yourself. You'd fear for me. You'd want us to run and hide until you were sure I was safe. You would pull the plug on the scam, and then... ''[pause]'' ...and then, we'd break up. And I didn't want that. Because I was having too much ''fun''.
:''[Kim breaks down crying and returns to the bedroom to pack; Jimmy stands in the living room in silence]''

=== ''Nippy'' [6.10] ===
:''[Jeff runs around a maze in the outline of a mall. Jimmy, on a loudspeaker, shouts directions to him:]''
:'''Jimmy:''' Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! HALT!
:''[Jeff stops, breathing heavily.]''
:'''Jeff:''' What?!
:'''Jimmy:''' That's too many, you gotta be precise! Just three of each.
:'''Jeff:''' Why? And why do I gotta run around like an asshole?
:'''Jimmy:''' I already told you! Three minutes, got it? That's our window!
:'''Jeff:''' Yeah, but why three minutes?
:'''Jimmy:''' Because at three minutes, that's when security sees you on the cameras and the cops haul your ass to jail, alright? So let's go.
:'''Jeff:''' Wait, there's cameras?
:'''Jimmy:''' Sure there's cameras! They erase the tapes every seventy-two hour, so that's why you only take three of each, and only the pricey stuff. When the store opens the next morning, they won't even know they were robbed. By the time they do inventory, abra cadabra, no more Jeffy on the tape! Right, so, three items, three minutes... It's easy. Let's go.
:''[Jeff walks back to the start of the maze.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' How many of each?
:'''Jeff:''' Three...
:'''Jimmy:''' Pigs get fat, hogs get slaughtered!
:'''Jeff:''' I don't know...
:'''Jimmy:''' What don't you know?
:'''Jeff:''' Just, this whole thing, it seems crazy!
:'''Jimmy:''' Is this too hot for you?! Ju— You know what, just say so! You know what? Screw it. &quot;Crazy.&quot; I'll tell you what's crazy! Fifty-year-old high school chemistry teacher comes into my office. The guy is so broke, he can't pay his own mortgage. One year later, he's got a pile of cash as big as a Volkswagen. ''That's'' crazy.
:'''Jeff's Friend:''' I'll do it.
:'''Jeff:''' This sounds good to you?
:'''Jeff's Friend:''' I think it'll work. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Well, look at you! Hey, you're young. You're probably, uh... Fast in the feet, huh?
:'''Jeff:''' O-Okay, I didn't say I wouldn't do it! I just... Had some questions about, like... Logistics.
:'''Jimmy:''' Are you in or out?
:'''Jeff:''' In.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[sighs]'' Okay, back to one. ''[He speaks into the loudspeaker as Jeff sets himself up.]'' Check, test, one-two, one-two.  Okay! And ready, set, action!
:''[Jeff begins running.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' Move, move, move! Pick up the pace! Go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! Let's go, let's go, let's go!

=== [6.11] ===

=== [6.12] ===

=== [6.13] ===

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Better Call Saul seasons]]
[[Category:Split television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>av5m0qmxd46930w74wk4z5koe82w5ej</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147911</id>
      <parentid>3147625</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T23:49:40Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>130.44.180.17</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Nippy [6.10] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="101397" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Season''' [[Better Call Saul (season 1)|1]] [[Better Call Saul (season 2)|2]] [[Better Call Saul (season 3)|3]] [[Better Call Saul (season 4)|4]] [[Better Call Saul (season 5)|5]] [[Better Call Saul (season 6)|6]] | [[Better Call Saul|'''Main''']]
----

The following is a list of quotes from the sixth season of ''[[Better Call Saul]]''.

=== ''[[w:Wine and Roses|Wine and Roses]]'' [6.01] ===
:''[Mike, Gus, and Tyrus gather in the office trailer at the Los Pollos Hermanos chicken farm to discuss the aftermath of the attempted hit on Lalo Salamanca.]''
:'''Gus:''' Tell me again about the ''sicario'' who made the final report.
:'''Tyrus:''' He was already wounded when he talked to our cutout. Federales found him dead at the scene. But they got Salamanca.
:'''Gus:''' The mercenaries are dead. To a man. And yet their mission was a success?
:'''Mike:''' It has been known to happen. Now you go down there and get Varga, bring him home safe. There's ways to do it on the quiet. 
:''[Long pause; Gus and Tyrus both stare at him.]''
:'''Mike:''' ''[scoffs]'' ...Unless you already have something in the works.
:''[Tyrus turns and exits the trailer. Mike and Gus speak alone.]''
:'''Gus:''' Speak your mind.
:'''Mike:''' Loyalty goes both ways. Varga's done everything you asked him. 
:'''Gus:''' He wasn't given a choice.
:'''Mike:''' Maybe so, but he played a tough game. And he played it on the square. 
:'''Gus:''' ...And?
:'''Mike:''' When all is said and done, the kid deserves your respect.
:'''Gus:''' He has it. Is there more you wish to say?
:''[After a long pause, Mike exits the trailer.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim have dinner at a diner; conversation turns to the Ford Taurus that Jimmy has rented.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' I rented us a car. It's the Ford.
:'''Kim:''' So Saul Goodman drives a brown Ford Taurus?
:'''Jimmy:''' Detroit calls that taupe, I believe.
:'''Kim:''' Don't you think Saul Goodman would drive something with a little more... flair?
:'''Jimmy:''' Such as?
:'''Kim:''' I don't know. Definitely American-made. Something showy. And Saul Goodman has an office. Something eye-catching. Good location.
:'''Jimmy:''' By the courthouse?
:'''Kim:''' Yeah. A cathedral of justice.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Ooooh'', a cathedral of justice. Okay, yeah.
:'''Kim:''' We should start looking for something for you. I mean, for Saul.
:'''Jimmy:''' Sold. When do we start?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At the courthouse, Jimmy is confronted by the district attorney who prosecuted Lalo during his bail hearing]''
:'''ADA Khalil''': I've been calling you for two days.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, my girl's out sick. What can I do you for?
:'''ADA Khalil''': Tomorrow morning, 10 A.M.
:'''Jimmy''': Brunch? But just you and me, right? ''[points at Detective Roberts]'' I mean, won't the big fella here feel like a third wheel?
:'''ADA Khalil''': You and I are meeting Parson in chambers. I am asking for an emergency hearing to alter the terms of De Guzman's release.
:'''Jimmy''': Sounds like a blast. Unfortunately, I'm booked solid. 
:'''Detective Roberts''': I checked your client's place of residence. The address he gave, it's a Dairy Queen in Altamonte. The family that showed at the bail hearing can't be located. No driver's license, no tax rolls, no school records. Nothing. The fact is, there isn't a single Elizabeth McKinnon under the age of 73 living in New Mexico.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, this is–this is surprising.
:'''ADA Khalil''': Your client has disappeared, and I'm not waiting six weeks to start looking for him.
:'''Jimmy''': Hey, my guy put up seven million in bail. You think he's just gonna walk away from that?
:'''Detective Roberts''': Who comes up with seven million bucks in cash?
:'''ADA Khalil''': You know what I think? I think the family was fake. ''[to Jimmy]'' And I think you knew it the whole time.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, hold up. Just get real for a second. The hearing didn't go your way, and now you're trying for a do-over? You say my guy ran, I say he's got seven million reasons for showing up when he's legally required to do so. So, no, I won't be... uh, due process window dressing at any crash meeting with Parson. And if you try throwing any of this crap around in front of the judge without my presence, here's an accusation: Prosecutorial misconduct. ''Career-ending'' prosecutorial misconduct!
:'''Detective Roberts''': None of that changes the fact the guy's not who he said he was.
:'''Jimmy''': No, no, no! Hold on! You guys got caught with your pants around your ankles, and somehow that's on me?! I don't think so! ''[points at ADA Khalil]''  You got two dozen lawyers up there! You got investigators—you got the whole damn police force—and it's ''my'' fault that you can't keep track of Lalo?! ''That is '''not''' my job!''
:'''ADA Khalil''': Lalo? Who's Lalo?
:'''Jimmy''': What?! ''[blinks hard]'' What did I say... I meant De Guzman. I have more than one client! ''[chuckles]'' So... ''[clears throat]'' I will see you at the preliminary in six weeks as scheduled. Until then, I have clients who need me.
:''[Jimmy walks into an empty courtroom and sits down while contemplating his slip-up]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy takes a guided tour of the country club where Howard and Cliff are members, meeting with a tour guide named Norm in the main lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Hi, Norm Wakely. I understand you're in the market for a tour.
:'''Jimmy:''' That's right. Saul Goodman.
:'''Norm:''' Great to meet you, Mr. Goodman. 
:'''Jimmy:''' No please, call me Saul.
:'''Norm:''' Great. So Saul, can I get you anything before we get started? The coffee here is just unbeatable. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh, well, I'm fine. I'm fully caffeinated. 
:''[Kevin Wachtell walks into the room and becomes upset upon seeing Jimmy in the lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Well Saul, you and I are standing on hallowed ground. Five presidents have played on our course, starting with Dwight D. Eisenhower. But the story goes back even further than that–
:'''Kevin:''' ''Norm.''
:''[Jimmy and Norm turn toward Kevin.]''
:'''Kevin:''' Can I have a sec, please?
:'''Jimmy:''' Kevin, hey. How's it going?
:'''Norm:''' Uh, I'm sorry. I'm sure this will just be a moment.
:''[Norm goes over to Kevin and talks to him for a few moments, clearly being instructed to remove Jimmy from the premises.]''
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman. I'm so sorry, but I've just been reminded that in fact we have a two-year waiting list.
:'''Jimmy:''' Two years, wow. Maybe I could go on the tour anyway. I mean, 'cause I'm here. Just in case.
:'''Norm:''' Well unfortunately, we've suspended tours for the moment.
:'''Jimmy:''' You're not even giving tours?
:'''Norm:''' I apologize for the inconvenience. We–we'll be happy to call you if the situation changes. You left your number?
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh-huh.
:'''Norm:''' Well, we'll be in touch. If the situation changes. Again, I–I am sorry for your time and trouble. We just– ''[sighs]'' We had a few crosswires.
:'''Jimmy:''' Well... okay then.
:'''Norm:''' Thank you.
:''[Jimmy is about the leave the lounge, but impulsively stops, turns around, and approaches Norm again.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Norm:''' Oh, yes.
:'''Jimmy:''' Um, just so I understand: you were going to give me a tour and then realized you don't need new members?
:'''Norm:''' We have a waiting list.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, but you're the membership director... 
:'''Norm:''' I know.
:'''Jimmy:''' ...so you would have known that before. It doesn't really add up. I mean, I came in and everyone was rolling out the red carpet, and then all of a sudden something changed. I don't–
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman, I–
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Goodman.'' The name. The second you heard it, everything turned on a dime. Wow. Waiting list? I think you're talking about an ''exclusion'' list. It's okay, I should have known. Because, I mean, look! ''[raises his voice and walks to the middle of the lounge, where everyone can see him]'' It's wall-to-wall mayonnaise in here! So listen, if you're going to be restrictive, have the courage to say so!
:'''Norm:''' There's no question–
:'''Jimmy:''' There it is, folks! Anti-Semitism, alive and well right here in Albuquerque!
:'''Norm:''' Sir! We have many Jewish members!
:'''Jimmy:''' Oh good. Well, you met your quota then. Gold star for you.
:''[Kevin, flanked by two of his golf buddies, interjects.]''
:'''Kevin:''' Hold on. That's gotta be the biggest load of horse crap I've ever heard in my life. Go crawl back in your hole, McGill or Goodman – whatever you're calling yourself. What are you up to, anyway? Ginning up another one of your put-up job lawsuits? You two-faced, blackmailing, money-grubbing son of a bitch–
:'''Jimmy:''' Money-grubbing! You're saying the quiet part out loud, I think.
:'''Norm:''' Gentlemen, can we just keep the volume down?
:'''Kevin:''' You know damn well that's not what I meant!
:'''Jimmy:''' In this day and age, I'd hoped and prayed we'd be beyond this.
:'''Kevin:''' You're about as Jewish as my Aunt Fannie!
:'''Jimmy:''' Five-thousand years and it never ends!
:''[Kevin tries to take a swing at Jimmy, but is held back by his golf buddies.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Here it is! Violence! It always comes to this!''
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Wachtell, please!
:'''Kevin's Buddy:''' Come on, Kev.
:'''Kevin:''' ''[to Jimmy]'' You go to hell, you lying sack of shit.
:''[Kevin and his golf buddies leave the lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Sir. Mr. Goodman, I don't know what to say. That is not–
:'''Jimmy:''' I wouldn't be a member here. I wouldn't walk through those doors again after what happened to me here today. ''[feigns tears]'' Do you at least have a bathroom that I could use, seeing as how my– Stress like that is hell on my diverticulitis. 
:'''Norm:''' The men's locker room is the closest. It's straight through there.
:'''Jimmy:''' And I would be allowed to go in there?
:'''Norm:''' Yes, of course.
:'''Jimmy:''' I want you to know I don't blame you personally. I know you were just following orders. ''[to everyone in the lounge]'' It's okay, folks! I'm leaving! All is well!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo is preparing to be smuggled across the border with a group of undocumented immigrants when he decides to call the Casa Tranquila Nursing Home and speak to Hector. A nurse holds a phone up to Hector's ear in the common room. Hector uses his bell to communicate.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle, can you hear me? Do you know my voice?
:''[Hector visibly recognizes Lalo's voice.]''
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings bell twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' They told you about the attack, didn't they?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Let them keep believing I'm dead. So much the better. It was the chicken man. That coward sat up there in the north while his paramilitaries came into my home. My home, Uncle! Screw Bolsa, screw Eladio. I'm coming north. I'm going to hurt him. Hurt him like you taught me. And then I will kill him. 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings repeatedly in agreement]''
:'''Lalo:''' What is it?
:''[The nurse takes the phone from Hector.]''
:'''Nurse:''' Hector? ''[to Lalo]'' Excuse me. I'm so sorry, but Hector seems a little upset.
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. Um, I'm just– I'm sharing a bit of family news, some good, some bad. Would you mind putting him back on? It will only be a minute.
:'''Nurse:''' Of course.
:''[The nurse again holds the phone to Hector's ear.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' What is it? Do you have another idea? 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' Okay, let's see. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, Ñ, O, P–
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' P? That's right?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Okay. What's next? A, B, C, D...
:''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings twice.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ...L, M, N, Ñ...
:''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings once.]''
:'''Lalo:''' U? ''Prueba?'' 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Is that what you're saying? Proof?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' Uncle, I don't have any proof. For months I was in the north watching him, following his men. There was nothing.
:''[Lalo has a flash of realization.]''
:'''Lalo:''' Wait... There is proof. I know where to find it. Goodbye, Uncle. You will see me soon.

=== ''[[w:Carrot and Stick|Carrot and Stick]]'' [6.02] ===
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;I was a hard worker. I was a company man. Twenty years, and I didn't miss a single day. They even gave me a plaque for it. ''[sighs]'' It was a gold plaque. Perfect attendance... But when they handed it to me, I wrenched my back. I was in so much pain, I couldn't do my job... ''[sighs again]'' which meant I couldn't put food on the table. I didn't want to sue... but with a family to support, what choice did I have?&quot;
:'''Kim''': Wait, who are you supposed to be again?
:'''Jimmy''': Whatever. The backstory is just a placeholder. I'm gonna polish the script once we cast.
:'''Kim''': But a personal injury suit? Best case scenario, that gets him in with an associate.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[throws hands up]'' Mesothelioma. ''[clears his throat]'' &quot;When I took that job down at the shoe factory, I had no idea I was risking my life. Now, I can't stop coughin'!&quot; Right? Come on! Hey, a mesothelioma class-action built Clifford Main his vacation house. He hears &quot;mesothelioma,&quot; his eyes pop!
:'''Kim''': Well, sure. But then he takes the case. What happens when he asks for a medical evaluation? And how does Howard come up?
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, ask me why I'm here.
:'''Kim''': What brings you to Davis &amp; Main today?
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;I'm sick. I'm really sick...&quot;
:'''Kim''': Good.
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;...and it's not mesothelioma, but it's not good. And I need a lawyer, and the pickings are slim. I already went to HHM. I met with their top guy, Howard Hamlin, and uh... Uhhh, I–I got a brother-in-law and he's got a pretty nasty coke habit, very similar energy. Just put me off. Anyway, I need a lawyer, blah-blah-blah.&quot;
:'''Kim''': Okay, but you got a bad feeling from just one meeting?
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, I had the brother-in-law with the coke.
:'''Kim''': Yeah, but you were only in the room with him once.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, so it's gotta be something with a history with Howard.
:'''Kim''': Yeah.
:'''Jimmy''': But Cliff has to want to take the meeting, but not the case.
:'''Kim''': Right. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[sighs]'' It's gotta be good, but not too good.
:'''Kim''': Exactly. There's a sweet spot, you know. Like a magnet. We–we pull Cliff in, and then repel him. ''[beat]'' Oh!
:'''Jimmy''': What?
:'''Kim''': ''[sighs]'' You are going to ''hate'' this...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy tracks down the Kettlemans to their shady tax preparation office and tries to rope them into his and Kim's plan to ruin Howard]'' 
:'''Betsy''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've got some nerve coming here after what you did! ''[shoves Jimmy]'' ''Leave!'' Because of you, we lost ''everything!'' Our kids are in public school! So why don't you go crawl back under whatever slime-covered rock you came from and leave us the heck alone?! 
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, I sense some anger here, but that's–that's perfectly understandable. Since you brought it up, I came here today because I was curious if you two wanted your lives back. There's actually a legal term for it: Exoneration. 
:'''Craig''': Oh. You know, we actually did look into that.
:'''Betsy''': Yep.
:'''Craig''': We went to a number of lawyers, and—
:'''Betsy''': ''Real'' lawyers.
:'''Craig''': Yes. They were all terrific, but they said that it was impossible.
:'''Betsy''': ''Mm-hmm''.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, but those lawyers don't know what I know.
:'''Craig''': What's that?
:'''Betsy''': No, Craig. He's got an angle.
:'''Jimmy''': I ''do'' have an angle, Craig. It's an angle called justice. ''[Betsy scoffs and snickers]'' Let me put it this way: I think that within Craig's case, I have found the grounds for a civil suit. A big one. ''[pause; quietly]'' Big. 
:'''Betsy''': ''[long pause; looks at Craig]'' Okay, then. Let's hear it.
:'''Jimmy''': Let's hold your horses, because we've been down this road before. [[w:Uno (Better Call Saul)|And the last time I gave you two advice, you went straight to the competition with it.]] ''[pulls out a piece of paper from inside his suit]'' So, I just need some assurances that all my hard work isn't gonna end up in the hands of, uh, Clifford Main or some other asshole at some pretentious high-pay, white-shoe law firm. So before we talk turkey, letters of engagement. 
:'''Craig''': Yes.
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, you remember these. I made some updates, just closed a few loopholes and whatnot. So... ''[holds out paper and pen]''
:'''Betsy''': ''[stops Craig from taking the pen]'' We're not signing anything.
:'''Jimmy''': You have to sign if you want to know what I know. 
:'''Betsy''': ''We're not signing.''
:'''Jimmy''': Really? You're sure?
:'''Betsy''': Yep.
:'''Jimmy''': Craig?
:'''Craig''': ''[looks at Betsy before shaking his head]'' Thanks anyway.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[unclicks pen]'' Alright. Well, uh... Sorry we couldn't work something out.
:'''Betsy''': I'm sure you are.
:''[Jimmy overhears Betsy and Craig arguing as he walks around the trailer. He balls the pen in his fist]''
:'''Craig''': Mr. Goodman!
:'''Jimmy''': ''[smiles; clicks pen and takes out letter]'' Best decision you've ever made. ''[turns his back to Craig for him to sign the letter]'' Here you go.
:'''Betsy''': ''[after Craig signs the letter]'' So what do you know?
:'''Jimmy''': You got one, too, Betsy. ''[holds out another letter]''
:''[Betsy snatches the pen and paper from Jimmy and signs the letter while pressing the pen hard on Jimmy's back]'' 
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, come on. That's not... ''Ow''. All right. Well, we're officially in business. Now, I have it on good authority here that Craig was not given proper counsel. 
:'''Betsy''': We already knew that.
:'''Jimmy''': But did you ask yourselves why?
:'''Craig''': No. Why?
:'''Jimmy''': What if I told you that in your hour of need, the person who was supposed to be on your side was impaired?
:'''Craig''': Impaired?
:'''Jimmy''': It's a... a person of substance. ''[as Betsy and Craig talk to each other quietly]'' Substance in question being a certain illegal white powder.
:'''Betsy''': That awful woman with the ponytail is a cocaine addict.
:'''Jimmy''': No, not Kim Wexler! No! Craig's lead attorney, Howard Hamlin! 
:'''Craig''': Oh. I thought he was so... professional and energetic. Upbeat. 
:'''Betsy''': Oh...
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;Oh,&quot; is right.
:'''Craig''': So upbeat is bad?
:'''Jimmy''': In this case, it's textbook malpractice. The magic phrase is, &quot;ineffective assistance of counsel.&quot; If your guy wasn't nose deep in the devil's dandruff, well, Craig's case would've turned out completely different.
:'''Craig''': Oh, my God! 
:'''Betsy''': Don't we need some kind of proof?
:'''Jimmy''': All the dirty laundry comes out in discovery. It’s just trips to rehab, secret drug deals. All we gotta do is get the ball rolling. So, I say we get started on your affidavits. 
:'''Craig''': Yes.
:'''Betsy''': About that. We happen to know a thing or two about our rights, Mr. McGill. And it doesn’t matter what you force us to sign. We don’t have to work with any lawyer we don’t want. ''[gets in Jimmy's face]'' And that means... you’re fired. 
:'''Jimmy''': I am not fired.
:'''Betsy''': Oh yes, you are!
:'''Jimmy''': No! No!
:'''Craig''': He’s fired?
:'''Betsy''': Craig! 
:'''Jimmy''': No, you can’t fire me! I found this case, it’s mine! Hey, you wanna hear about rights?! The second you say where you got this information from, guess who automatically gets a cut?! ''Me! So go ahead! Go ahead, see what happens!''
:''[Jimmy pretends to be upset after the Kettlemans leave, but slowly starts smiling as he walks away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gus and Juan Bolsa visit Hector at Casa Tranquila to send their condolences, still believing that Lalo is dead. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Bolsa''': He wishes to make amends. At least hear him out.
:'''Gus''': Don Hector. It's no secret that I did not see eye to eye with your nephew. And while the friction between your family and myself did not start with him, today I am reminded we are all Eladio's men. No matter our disagreements, a strike against one is a strike against all. I hope you will accept my condolences and my support as you navigate this terrible loss.
:'''Bolsa''': Gustavo speaks the truth. In this matter, he and I both stand shoulder to shoulder behind the Salamanca family. We are still looking for the traitor, Ignacio Varga. ''[places hand on Hector's shoulder]'' We will find him. And then your family will have justice.
:''[Hector slowly reaches his hand out to Gus. As Gus holds his hand, he notices a change of expression on Hector's face and stares at him. Cut to outside the nursing home.]'' 
:'''Bolsa''': ''[to Gus in English]'' We'll be in touch.
:''[Gus calls Mike on his cell phone after Bolsa drives away]''
:'''Mike''': What did you learn?
:'''Gus''': Lalo Salamanca lives.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy gets a call from Betsy Kettleman after she finds out there was no case against Howard]''
:'''Jimmy''': Saul Goodman, speedy justice for you. Oh, wait! Okay, just take a breath, and then we can... Okay, okay. I can tell you're upset. Just... I–I never advised that. No. ''[sighs]'' No, I did not, so let's agree to disagree. ''[pause]'' Okay, I think you're going to want to meet in person before you do anything rash. So how about–how about we meet up, and we can hash this out. ''[pause]'' Yeah, sure! Tomorrow, first thing. Uh, 9 A.M, I can come to your office. That work? ...Okay, okay! Good! ''[hangs up]'' 
:'''Kim''': I'm surprised it took them this long. You, uh... You're gonna use the stick, right? 
:'''Jimmy''': The stick? Well, it's a big stick. But I know these people, they're more carrot types. Especially her. ''[takes out cash and puts the bills in his suit pocket]'' Spoonful of sugar, you know?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' I think maybe I'll come, too.
:'''Jimmy''': Tomorrow? Really?
:'''Kim''': Sure. I have time.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tyrus''': They found the truck, but no sign of Varga. Salamancas have all eyes looking for him, including the federales. Still not picking up his cell, so nobody got a lock on it. Now as for Lalo, still missing. As far as everybody in the cartel is concerned, top to bottom, Lalo is dead.
:'''Mike''': May I offer a thought? ''[pause; to Gus]'' If Salamanca was coming straight for you, he'd be here already. We've got guys watching anywhere he might turn up this side of Mexico. Wire taps on any phone he might call. There is not a whiff of him. Now, my guess is he's smart enough to know it's not in the Salamanca family interest to take you out without a reason the bosses can get behind. So, the odds are he's searching for Varga. Finds him alive, gets him to talk. ''[pause; Gus remains silent]'' Varga's alone in foreign territory, no one he can trust. The kid's smart, but he's not gonna last. ''[Gus stands up]'' He's gonna get caught.
:''[Gus accidentally knocks a glass over and kneels down to pick up the shards from the floor]''
:'''Gus''': Continue.
:'''Mike''': The best way to handle this: I take four of our best guys, cross the border and track Varga down. Let me find him, bring him back before the Salamancas sweep him up. It's our only play.
:''[After cleaning up the broken glass, Gus throws it away and looks out a nearby window]''
:'''Gus''': ''[beat; in Spanish]'' Varga's father. Bring him here.
:'''Mike''': No. You're not doing that. ''[locks the door after Tyrus gets his gun out]'' You don't understand. That's not happening. 
:'''Tyrus''': ''[walks up to Mike and aims gun at him]'' Just say the word.
:'''Mike''': Whatever happens next... it's not gonna go down the way you think it is.
:''[Mike stares at Tyrus, who cocks his gun and waits for Mike to make a move.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[beat; hears cell phone vibrating]'' It's him.
:'''Tyrus''': Bullshit. I've been calling Varga for hours. He hasn't picked up once. 
:'''Mike''': He's been trying to get me since he left the Salamancas. ''[opens phone]'' You want me to answer it?
:''[Tyrus turns to Gus, who nods. Mike answers the phone and speaks to Nacho]''
:'''Mike''': Yeah. ''[pause]'' Yeah. ...Not my call. ''[pause]'' That's up to you. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Betsy:''' You used us &amp;ndash; us and our good name &amp;ndash; to character-assassinate Howard Hamlin. Somehow, some way, it benefits you to tear him down.
:'''Craig:''' Yeah. And we're&amp;ndash;we're mad.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, yeah. I'm hearing a lot of unfounded accusations being tossed around. I don't know anything about schemes or character assassination or whatnot, but... ''[clears throat]'' if you're feeling slighted, we can make it right. ''[Jimmy hands Betsy a bundle of cash]''
:'''Betsy:''' Money? ''[scoffs]'' Money's not gonna take care of this.
:'''Jimmy:''' Money takes care of everything. Isn't that the motto stitched onto the Kettleman family crest?
:'''Betsy:''' We don't want money. 
:'''Jimmy:''' I am non-plussed. I'm guessing you want something.
:'''Betsy:''' Do what you promised.
:'''Jimmy:''' Do what I what?
:'''Betsy:''' Exonerate Craig. Get his good name back. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright. Well, as you've been advised, for a number of reasons that's not gonna happen.
:'''Betsy:''' It ''is'' gonna happen. It is. It's... You're just gonna have to figure out a way.
:'''Craig:''' If anyone can do this, it's you.
:'''Betsy:''' I know you don't want us going to Howard Hamlin. Because whatever it is you're up to, I'm sure he would be ''very'' interested.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, let's just go easy on the threats.
:'''Betsy:''' We want our lives back! The way they were before. ''Before.'' We lost everything! And we don't deserve any of this.
:'''Kim:''' Okay. Enough carrot. ''[clears throat]''
:''[Kim turns to the home phone next to her and begins to dial]''
:'''Craig:''' Dial 9 to get out.
:'''Kim:''' Oh, thank you.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering; to Craig]'' We didn't give her permission to use the phone.
:'''Craig:''' ''[whispering; to Betsy]'' She needs to use the phone.
:'''Jimmy:''' Kim... ?
:''[The line connects; Kim speaks through the phone's speaker]''
:'''Receptionist:''' Internal Revenue Service, Albuquerque.
:'''Kim:''' Hi. Could you put me through to Justin Stangel in Criminal Investigations? 
:'''Receptionist:''' One moment, please.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[to Kim]'' What are you doing? Excuse me!
:'''Justin:''' This is Justin.
:'''Kim:''' Justin, Kim Wexler. How are you?
:'''Justin:''' Hey, Kim. Good to hear from you.
:'''Kim:''' How are Noreen and the boys?
:'''Justin:''' Oh, hanging in. Noreen always talks about having you by for dinner some time.
:'''Kim:''' We should do that. Tell her to call me. Listen, I was wondering who your CID officer is these days.
:'''Justin:''' You have something for us?
:'''Kim:''' Oh, I just might: Tax preparer fraud. A lot of it.
:'''Justin:''' I'm listening.
:'''Kim:''' Well, it's this, uh, run-down little mom-and-pop outfit I've had my eye on for a while. ''[chuckles]'' Don't ask me why. Clearly, I need to get a life. But from what I can glean, their clients always end up with smaller refunds than they deserve.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering]'' Please don't do this.
:'''Justin:''' Do the clients sign over third-party authorization?
:'''Kim:''' Bingo. So what I'm thinking is, these creeps file legit returns with you guys, give the clients fake ones that show about half the proper amount, and then pocket the difference. 
:'''Justin:''' Classic scam. Well, I know just the guy to go after these dirtbags. Tony Oropallo. Real bulldog. I'll transfer you over.
:'''Kim:''' Such a big help, Justin.
:'''Justin:''' You got it. Talk soon.
:'''Betsy:''' You don't have to do this.
:'''Kim:''' ''[to Betsy]'' Don't I? Betsy... You'll probably get twenty-four months, maybe eighteen with good behavior. But Craig? You are a two-time loser. They will definitely make an example out of you. Each false return they discover will be a separate felony. What are we talking? A hundred?
:'''Betsy:''' Uh...
:'''Kim:''' Two-hundred? 
:'''Tony:''' ''[beat]'' CID, Anthony Oropallo speaking.
:''[Betsy runs to the phone and slams down the receiver to end the call]''
:'''Betsy:''' Please. We'll do anything. Just tell us.
:'''Kim:''' ''[beat]'' Why would I believe ''you?'' Huh?
:'''Craig:''' Please. 
:'''Kim:''' ''[long pause]'' First. First, you contact every person you've ripped off. Tell them you made an accounting error, tell them you're crooks who had a change of heart, I don't care. Give them what they are legally owed. Everything you stole. And then after that, you're going to forget you ever heard the name Howard Hamlin. I'm keeping my eye on both of you. You think you've lost everything? ''You have no idea.''
:''[Kim leaves the room with Jimmy while the Kettlemans stand shellshocked, on the verge of tears]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy:''' [[w:Inflatable (Better Call Saul)|Wolves and sheep]].
:'''Kim:''' Huh?
:'''Jimmy:''' ...Nothing.

=== ''[[w:Rock and Hard Place|Rock and Hard Place]]'' [6.03] ===
:''[Nacho calls his father from an auto shop while on the run]''
:'''Manuel''': A-to-Z Fine Upholstery. Hello?
:'''Nacho''': Dad. It's me.
:'''Manuel''': Nacho?
:'''Nacho''': ''Si'', Papa. ''Hola''.
:'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' ''Hola, hijo.'' ''[in Spanish]'' How are you?
:'''Nacho''': ''[in Spanish]'' Good, good. Um... just wanted to hear your voice.
:'''Manuel''': Nacho, where are you? You sound strange.
:''[pause]''
:'''Nacho''': It's not important.... I was just checking in, that's all.
:'''Manuel''': Okay. ''Hijo'', I have lots of work to do. We've been through this, so many times. You know what you have to do... go to the police.
:'''Nacho''': Yes, Papa. I understand... I hear you.
:''[pause]''
:'''Manuel''': What else is there to say? Hmm? Goodbye, ''hijo''.
:'''Nacho''': ''[choked up]'' Goodbye, Papa.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Nacho calls Mike at an auto repair shop in Mexico while on the run from the Salamancas]''
:'''Mike''': Yeah.
:'''Nacho''': It's me.
:'''Mike''': Yeah.
:'''Nacho''': You knew. You knew that I was going to Mexico to die, that I was never supposed to make it out of that motel. And you let it happen.
:'''Mike''': Not my call.
:'''Nacho''': What happens now?
:'''Mike''': That's up to you. 
:'''Nacho''': Is that bastard with you? Put him on.
:'''Mike''': Hmm. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you.
:'''Gus''': ''[takes cell phone from Mike; to Nacho]'' Yes.
:'''Nacho''': You are screwed. ''[pause]'' You want the cartel to blame me for Lalo. But if they catch me, and make me talk? ''Ooh...'' That is not good for you, is it? Even if I disappear, everyone's gonna smell your stink all over it. The only way that this works for you is with me dead. ''[beat]'' Alright. Whatever bullshit way you want the story to go, I will make it go. But... I need one thing. 
:'''Gus''': Yes?
:'''Nacho''': My dad. I need to know that he will be safe.
:'''Gus''': If you are true to your word, there will be no reason for anyone to harm your father.
:'''Nacho''': ''You'' are not the one that I need to hear it from.
:''[Gus puts the phone on speaker so Mike can speak to Nacho]''
:'''Mike''': Your dad's gonna be okay.
:'''Nacho''': How do you know?
:'''Mike''': Because anyone who goes after him is gonna have to come through me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Huell sit in a car; Jimmy pays Huell for duplicating the keys to Howard's Jaguar]''
:'''Huell:''' Can I ask you sum'n?
:'''Jimmy:''' Sure, go ahead.
:'''Huell:''' Personal, kind of.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay. What?
:'''Huell:''' You're a lawyer. You make good money, right?
:'''Jimmy:''' Good days and bad, but yeah.
:'''Huell:''' Legit money, on the level.
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah, so?
:'''Huell:''' Your wife's a lawyer. A legit lawyer.
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah.
:'''Huell:''' Why you do all this? 
:'''Jimmy:''' Oh, I got you. I&amp;ndash;I know from the outside that this looks like just another scam, but you're not seeing the bigger picture. Couple months from now, there are people whose lives are gonna be way better. Because of this. We're making a real difference. Trust me. We're doing the Lord's work here. 
:'''Huell:''' ''Hmph''. If you say so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': What's going on?
:'''Kim''': I have news, Jimmy. Lalo is dead.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[exhales deeply]'' Holy shit. 
:'''Kim''': The DA's office put it together that Lalo was calling himself De Guzman. They are pretty upset they let him go.
:'''Jimmy''': I'll bet they are.
:'''Kim''': Ericsen seems to think that if Lalo lied to you and you didn't know about the pseudonym, that you could break confidentiality. She wants you to talk. She says it's right.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, what do you think we should do?
:'''Kim''': You... should do whatever you want, Jimmy. They don't have anything on you. It's just a fishing expedition to see if you bite.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' You think I should do it?
:'''Kim''': It depends.  
:'''Jimmy''': On what?
:'''Kim''': Well... ''[sighs]'' I guess it's basically... Do you want to be a friend of the cartel or... do you want to be a rat?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Nacho is driven to a remote location with Gus, Tyrus and Victor. There they meet Juan Bolsa, Hector Salamanca, and the Cousins. Bolsa kneels next to Nacho.]''
:'''Bolsa:''' Today, you are going to die. But there are good deaths, and there are bad deaths. Tell me what I need to know, I'll see that your death is a good one. Who put you up to this?
:''[Nacho glances at Gus, as if he's about to turn on him]''
:'''Bolsa:''' One last chance. ''Who?'' ''[long pause; scoffs and gets up to leave]''
:'''Nacho:''' It was Alvarez. Los Odios, out of Peru. They paid me to set up your nephew. And I did.
:''[Hector furiously rings his bell and attempts to point to Gus, who he knows is the real culprit]''
:'''Bolsa:''' Alvarez, we know. Los Odios, we know. Was anyone else involved?
:'''Nacho:''' ''[scoffs; nods to Gus]'' Him? You think the chicken man? ''Heh.'' What a joke. Alvarez has been paying me for years &amp;ndash; ''years''. ''[to the Salamancas]'' But you know what? I would have done it for free. Because I hate every last one of you psycho sacks of shit. I opened Lalo's gate, and I would do it again. And I'm glad what they did to him. He's a soulless pig, and I wished I'd killed him with my own hands. And you know what else, Hector? I put you in that chair. Oh, yeah. Your heart meds? I switched them for sugar pills. You were dead and buried, and I had to watch ''this'' asshole... ''[gestures to Gus]'' ...bring you back. So when you are sitting in your shitty nursing home and you're sucking down on your Jell-O night after night for the rest of your life, ''you think of '''me,''' you twisted fuck.''

=== ''[[w:Hit and Run (Better Call Saul)|Hit and Run]]'' [6.04] ===
:'''Jimmy:''' What kind of asshole moves a cone?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': So, I pull the Jag into the loading zone. And I start scrappin' with this hunk of metal. It was in deep—like, &quot;down a well&quot; deep—so I just... wrassled it! UGH! ''[Kim laughs hysterically]'' Like a freakin' bear, and I jam it in the dirt in front of the Jag! Boom! Barely made it out of there with the skin of my teeth. ''Who moves cones?'' Who does that?
:'''Kim''': Narcissists.
:'''Jimmy''': Heh, you're damn right. So you think Cliff really bought it, huh?
:'''Kim''': One hundred percent! You should've seen his face. It landed, trust me. God, it was... beautiful. ''[pause]'' Oh, and that is not all. 
:'''Jimmy''': Spill.
:'''Kim''': So... I'm doing the stall. I'm telling Cliff what I'm doing—what I wanna be doing. All I'm thinking is, I gotta stretch this out until you get there, but then... I don't know. I... kinda got caught up in it, and then... Cliff went for it. I mean, like, ''really'' went for it.
:'''Jimmy''': What does that mean? Like, money?
:'''Kim''': I don't think he'll write a check himself, but he knows people. And I think he'll deliver.
:'''Jimmy''': You're kidding! 
:'''Kim''': I know! How great is that?
:'''Jimmy''': This is unbelievable. ''[Kim laughs]'' Are we on a roll, or are we on a roll? Jeez! 
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' You ever feel like you're being followed? ''[pause]'' When I dropped Wendy off at the motel, she thought she was being watched by some undercover cops. But then when I drove away... that same car was behind ''me.'' Right after I spotted them, they disappeared.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, you know what they say: The wicked flee where no man pursueth. 
:'''Kim''': ...You think we're wicked?
:'''Jimmy''': No. What? ''[chuckles]'' It's just a turn of phrase. I think you're wicked hot. ''[pause]'' Alright. Listen to the voice of experience, okay? You know why you're feeling like this? Because we got away with it. It seems too good to be true, but trust me. Nobody is following you. ''[takes Kim's hand]'' No one knows what we're doing except for us. Okay?
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy confronts Bill Oakley at the courthouse when he notices his colleagues' cold treatment of him]''
:'''Jimmy''': What the hell is going on?! How come everyone's treating me like I'm covered in oozing pus sores?
:'''Bill''': I liked you better when you were just a regular bottom feeder. But this?
:'''Jimmy''': This? What is, &quot;this?&quot;
:'''Bill''': I understand advocating for your client. Deep in my heart, I get it. But you scammed the court. You scammed the judge, and for what? To get a murdering cartel psychopath back out on the street? It's just... wrong.
:'''Jimmy''': That's a lot of big talk, Bill. Prove it. Prove it, Bill!
:'''Bill''': There's proving, and then there's knowing. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': They're gone.
:'''Kim''': I'm sorry?
:'''Mike''': The two men that were following you. They're gone.
:'''Kim''': Do I know you?
:'''Mike''': Would you mind sitting for a moment, and I will answer any questions I can. ''[pause; Kim sits down next to Mike]'' I have men watching you and your husband. I'm not with the police, and as far as I know, they're not investigating either of you. I ''do'' know that you've been up to a few things that you probably would rather keep private. I don't care. That's not what this is about. I'm trying to solve a problem of my own. 
:'''Kim''': What problem?
:'''Mike''': Lalo Salamanca.
:'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca's dead. ''[beat; Mike says nothing and stares at Kim]'' He... isn't.
:'''Mike''': We're watching anyone he might contact. That includes you and your husband. Most likely, he'll never reach out. He's got bigger fish to fry. But in the thousand to one chance that he does...
:'''Kim''': And who do you work for?
:'''Mike''': I said I would answer anything I can. 
:'''Kim''': ''[long pause]'' [[w:Bagman (Better Call Saul)|You're the guy from the desert]]. The one who was out there with Jimmy. Why are you telling me this and not him?
:'''Mike''': Because I think you're made of sterner stuff. ''[pause; gets up]'' Alright. Now here's what's best for everyone. You spot my guys again—which I'm hoping you won't—let them go about their business. Just pretend they're not there. And pretty soon, they won't be. You and your husband just... go on living your lives. ''[starts to leave]''
:'''Kim''': I do know you. You worked in the parking booth at the courthouse. ''[pause]'' You were the attendant.
:'''Mike''': ...I was.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kim meets Jimmy at a strip mall where an office space is available for lease]''
:'''Kim''': What are we doing here?
:'''Jimmy''': Take a look. What do you think?
:'''Kim''': About what?
:'''Jimmy''': My new office. Potentially. Come on.
:''[They both peer through the storefront windows of the office, which is empty except for a lone toilet]''
:'''Kim''': Huh.
:'''Jimmy''': Mrs. Nguyen kicked me to the curb.
:'''Kim''': What? Why?
:'''Jimmy''': It's a long story, but upshot is she wants me out of there with extreme prejudice.
:'''Kim''': Wow. Bad day, huh?
:'''Jimmy''': Well, no. It was a... great day. With actual paying clients. The word is out! People were throwing cash retainers at me just to say Saul Goodman is their lawyer.
:'''Kim''': Because of who you represented.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, I mean, that's part of it. But the bottom line is I need a new place for new business pronto. Now, this place is a shithole, but the price is right. And I think I can talk the landlord into a month-to-month. So, it's temporary until I find something better. ''[sighs; pause]'' Hey. What do you think?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' It's small. It's... dirty. And this whole place smells funny. ''[pause]'' But the courthouse is five blocks away. You can't get to MDC without driving past. Parking is good, bail bond row isn't far, and uh... Taco Cabeza is just around the corner. Might be a diamond in the rough. Just promise me... you won't move the toilet.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' There it is. Alright. Uh... speaking of Taco Cabeza.
:'''Kim''': I'm starving. Let's do it.

=== ''[[w:Black and Blue (Better Call Saul)|Black and Blue]]'' [6.05] ===
:''[Cliff informs Howard about witnessing Jimmy throw Wendy out of Howard's car]''
:'''Howard:''' I threw a woman out of my car? In the middle of the street? And I&amp;ndash;''zip''&amp;ndash;I just drive right past you? I... That's what you're saying? I-I-I don't even... I don't know how to respond to that.
:'''Cliff:''' I'm not asking you to respond. I just need you to know that ''I'' know. 
:'''Howard:''' It wasn't me, Cliff. Whoever you think you saw&amp;ndash;
:'''Cliff:''' Yeah, sorry, but that's the kind of thing my son used to say. It was your Jaguar, your &quot;Namaste&quot; plate. It was you! Howard, there's no harm in asking for help. You got a lot of people in your corner.
:'''Howard:''' So there's the-the baggie at the county club.
:'''Cliff:''' Yes.
:'''Howard:''' After that, some clients&amp;ndash;who you can't name because of privilege&amp;ndash;make insinuations. Then on Thursday, you have a business meeting and you witness a Jaguar speeding past. ''[beat]'' Who were you meeting with?
:'''Cliff:''' Not sure why that's germaine, but... Kim Wexler. She came to me for career advice.
:''[Howard's face becomes awash with realization]''
:'''Howard:''' ''Mmm.'' All right. ''[pause]'' Okay. ''[takes out his cell phone]'' Of course. ''[scoffs]'' Of course. ''[to Cliff]'' Cliff, I know this wasn't easy for you. You came to me as a friend. I appreciate it.
:'''Cliff:''' You can start today, Howard.
:'''Howard:''' Oh, I will. Because you're right, I ''do'' have a problem. Just not the problem you think. I have a Jimmy McGill problem.
:'''Cliff:''' Jimmy McGill?!
:'''Howard:''' You'll have to excuse me.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard!
:'''Howard:''' ''[to his secretary on the phone]'' Julie. Cancel my week. Yes, my whole week. 
:'''Cliff:''' Howard!
:''[Howard climbs into his Jaguar and drives away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy walks into a boxing club and sees Howard, who pretended to be a potential client named &quot;Mr. Ward&quot;]''
:'''Howard''': Hello, Jimmy.
:'''Jimmy''': Mr. Ward, I presume. As in... H.O. Ward. That is really cute, Howard. So, wait. That means that you're the guy who shanked some dude in a rumble near Central Pen. ''[sighs]'' That's—that's very street of you. 
:'''Howard''': I thought it sounded like a Saul Goodman kind of case.
:'''Jimmy''': ...Alright, so what are we doing here? 
:'''Howard''': I'm tired, Jimmy. You and me, us. I'm tired of this. Aren't you? It's exhausting. ''[points at boxing ring behind him]'' Let's punch it out.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' Are you kidding?
:'''Howard''': Dead serious. Hoping you might get it out of your system. Do I think it'll work? ''[shrugs]'' I don't know. Call it a Hail Mary. I have the gear, I rented the ring. It's just you and me... ''[points at the man standing behind Jimmy]'' and Macky to ref. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' I am sorry, but have you lost your mind?
:'''Howard''': Actually, I'm as clear-headed as I've ever been in my life. You didn't even try to hide your tracks. The baggie of drugs at the country club, the clients you sent to discredit me, ''another'' prostitute.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, once again as usual, I—
:'''Howard''': Please. I could go on. All roads lead back to you. It's Psych 101. You want to get caught. 
:'''Jimmy''': So what? Is this like pistols at dawn?
:'''Howard''': I'm trying to give you what you want. 
:'''Jimmy''': What I want? I don't... I think this is what ''you'' want. You wanna beat the shit out of me? Legally? 
:'''Howard''': I think you can hold up your end. You must've gotten into a few good scrapes in your old neighborhood. 
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, right. I could've been a contender. 
:'''Howard''': Indulge me. Let's see what we see. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause; smiles]'' Thanks for the laughs. ''[chuckles]'' &quot;Mr. Ward.&quot; 
:''[Jimmy laughs and starts to walk out, but stops. He and Howard are seen suited up with boxing gloves as they begin their fight. They both land a few punches on each other, but Howard eventually knocks Jimmy down]'' 
:'''Howard''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've mistaken my kindness for weakness. I like to think that tonight made a difference. I like to think that this ends it. ''[pause; shakes his head]'' Probably not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': I should've left Howard standing there like a yutz. Instead I let him suck me into his game. Why did I do that?
:'''Kim''': You had your reasons. 
:'''Jimmy''': I did? Like what?
:'''Kim''': Because... you know. 
:'''Jimmy''': I know...?
:'''Kim''': ''[holds Jimmy's hand]'' You know what's coming next.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo has travelled to Germany using an alias, and meets Margarethe, Werner's widow, at a bar]''
:'''Margarethe''': I knew his work was dangerous. I never imagined such a thing, but... I suppose I try not to. 
:'''Lalo''': That is terrible. What kind of accident was it?
:'''Margarethe''': A cave-in.
:'''Lalo''': Cave-in?
:'''Margarethe''': He was able to save his men. He got them out, but then... the structure collapsed.
:'''Lalo''': So your husband was a hero.
:'''Margarethe''': ''[smiles]'' He would never accept that. My Werner was too humble.
:'''Lalo''': ...And what were they building there?
:'''Margarethe''': My husband didn't talk much about his work. It was very secretive. 
:'''Lalo''': Oh... I'm sure he must have told you something. 
:'''Margarethe''': The lawyers came to my house. I asked questions, they wouldn't say much.
:'''Lalo''': ''[shakes his head]'' Lawyers.
:'''Margarethe''': They went through Werner's things. Took anything that they called, uh... Oh, how do you say it? ''[pause]'' Proprietary? I'm sorry, my English is—
:'''Lalo''': Oh, it's excellent. 
:'''Margarethe''': I didn't care about it. All the boxes of folders, his papers. Why do I need all that stuff?
:'''Lalo''': And what about your husband's men? I mean, they must have said something to you.
:'''Margarethe''': Werner loved ''deine jungs''—his boys—but I never even met them. 
:'''Lalo''': What do you mean? Not even at the funeral?
:'''Margarethe''': You'd think they would want to pay respect to the man who saved their lives. They sent flowers, keepsakes, and so on... but not one of them showed his face. 
:'''Lalo''': Wow. That is... ''[sighs]'' It's just not right.

=== ''[[w:Axe and Grind | Axe and Grind]]'' [6.06] ===
:''[Casper, one of Werner's former workers, spots Lalo approaching his home while chopping wood]''
:'''Lalo''': ''Guten tag!''
:'''Casper''': ''Guten tag.'' ''[in German]'' This is private property. Who are you looking for? Are you lost?
:'''Lalo''': ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. I don't speak any German!
:'''Casper''': ''[in English]'' Are you lost?
:'''Lalo''': It's a beautiful place you have here. The air, it's just so... ''fresh!''
:'''Casper''': ...Do I know you?
:'''Lalo''': Well, I don't think we've ''officially'' met-
:''[Casper grabs his axe and runs inside a nearby wooden shed while Lalo draws his gun. Lalo searches when he's suddenly dropped by a blow from Casper]''
:'''Casper''': Who are you?! '''''Who are you?!'''''
:'''Lalo''': ''[strained]'' Ed-Eduardo... Salamanca! I'm not here for you... This is about Fring. Guh- I want to know... I want to know what he's building.
:'''Casper''': How did you find me?
:'''Lalo''': Ma- Marga... M-Margarethe Z-Ziegler.
:'''Casper''': What have you done to her?!
:'''Lalo''': Nothing, nothing. You sent her a gi- a gift. ''[pulls out a business card and shows it to Casper]''
:'''Casper''': ''Was ist das?''
:''[Lalo's hidden a razor blade behind the card. He springs up and cuts Casper's face, then grabs his axe and cuts his foot off]''
:'''Lalo''': ''[cheerfully] Carajo!'' I think you broke one of my ribs! ''[tosses Casper his belt]'' Here. Tie that off... before you bleed to death. ''You and I are gonna have a '''talk.'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Holy shit! The Jackson Mercer Foundation, that's like... the good housekeeping seal of approval.
:'''Kim''': Well, it's not a done deal. Some of the foundation board members are flying in next week to meet the lieutenant governor at a luncheon in Santa Fe, so... they are inviting a select group of people with... Cliff called them, &quot;up-and-coming organizations,&quot; and uh... Yeah. Cliff thinks I have a good shot. 
:'''Jimmy''': A good shot? You have more than a shot! They are gonna love you on sight!
:'''Kim''': The only thing is the lunch is on D-Day.
:'''Jimmy''': So, what? That's—You don't have to be there on the day! Was Eisenhower on Omaha Beach? No. Kim, this is great, right? It's ''huge!''
:'''Kim''': ...It is pretty great! ''[laughs]''
:'''Jimmy''': Kim, this is fantastic! ''[kisses Kim]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy has Francesca call HHM and pose as a relative of a Sandpiper resident to get details about the upcoming mediation]''
:'''Jimmy''': What is the hold up?
:'''Francesca''': I just... I don't know if I'm comfortable. Is this even legal?
:'''Jimmy''': I'm sorry, which one of us went to law school? Because I can stand here and go through the ins and outs of what's quote-unquote legal with you, but we're on the clock.
:'''Francesca''': I just don't—
:'''Jimmy''': Francesca, let's get something straight, okay? We can't be holding a graduate seminar in constitutional law every time I give you something to do.
:'''Francesca''': But I—I'm not sure if—
:'''Jimmy''': You know what I'm paying you? It is above market. To whom much is given, much is expected! ''[takes out cell phone and starts dialing a number]''
:'''Francesca''': We're not gonna make a habit of this?
:'''Jimmy''': Of course not! Absolutely not. No, no, no. ''[gives phone to Francesca]'' Put it on speaker and let me... ''[moves closer]''
:'''HHM Employee #1''': Hamlin Hamlin McGill.
:'''Francesca''': Hi... there. I'm calling because my—my mother is... is—Well, I guess she's a—a client of yours. She lives in, uh, Sandpiper Assisted Living.
:'''HHM Employee #1''': Sandpiper, of course. Let me transfer you.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Francesca while she's on hold]'' It's just a phone call. 
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Good afternoon. Do you have a question about the Sandpiper case?
:'''Francesca''': ''[waits for Jimmy to nod]'' Yes. My mother's out of the facility in Amarillo. Says she's supposed to call in to some meeting on Thursday?
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Yes, you're talking about the mediation?
:'''Francesca''': That's it. The thing is, she's lost her dial-in instructions. ''[sighs nervously]'' I'm just looking everywhere and can't find them.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': I'd be happy to help you with that. It's very important to us that all the class members are fully looked in. What's your mother's name?
:'''Francesca''': ''[Tells name mouthed by Jimmy]'' Uh, Marnie Stuber. ''[watches Jimmy form the letters as she spells aloud]'' That's–that's S-T-U-B-E-R. ''[sighs nervously again when Jimmy tries to cheer her up]'' Oh, bless your heart. She'll be so relieved!
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay, it's very simple. The meeting is happening at our offices. So she just has to call the main line—the same number you called just now—press 7, and then enter the passcode. I can give that to you now. Do you have a pen?
:'''Francesca''': Uh... ''[Jimmy quickly takes out a pen]'' Y–yeah, I'm ready.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay. It's 842159. ''[Jimmy writes the numbers on his hand]'' 
:'''Francesca''': 842159?
:'''HHM Employee #2''': That's right.
:'''Francesca''': Okay! Uh, thank you so much. Really appreciate it.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Of course, take care. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[hangs up immediately]'' Was that so hard?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy sees the real Rand Casimiro at a liquor store wearing a cast that was not shown in the fake photos he shot earlier. He bolts out of there and gets in his car before being seen by the judge.]''
:'''Jimmy''': FUCK! ''[bangs on steering wheel and chuckles nervously before dialing Kim on his cell phone]''
:''[Cut to Kim driving on the highway to Santa Fe.]'' 
:'''Kim''': &quot;Ultimately, it's about equal justice, a system that works for everyone. A justice system that works for everyone, and what is more important than that?&quot; ''[hears phone ringing and answers it]'' Hey, Jimmy.
:'''Jimmy''': Flag on the play! You're not gonna believe this, but I just ran into Casimiro—the real one.
:'''Kim''': Oh, God.
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, and before you ask, he didn't shave his mustache. ''He broke his arm.'' 
:'''Kim''': Are you serious?
:'''Jimmy''': The guy has a giant cast on his left arm! And I checked all the pictures and you can see his arm in every single one of them! No cast, clear as day! 
:'''Kim''': Shit! SHIT!
:'''Jimmy''': I KNOW! I '''KNOW!''' Uh... But, hey. Hey, hey, look at it this way: If I hadn't seen him... I mean, that would've really—that really could've sunk us. Right? So, we're gonna pull the plug and we are going to live to fight another day.
:'''Kim''': ...What other day? 
:'''Jimmy''': Well, we'll figure it out. I promise, okay? So, just go. Just do your thing in Santa Fe, and we'll regroup when you get home tonight. ''[beat; Kim says nothing]'' Kim? Kim, you still there? 
:'''Kim''': Yes.
:'''Jimmy''': Did you hear what I said?
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' It happens today. 
:''[Kim quickly turns around and starts driving back to Albuquerque.]''

=== ''[[w:Plan and Execution | Plan and Execution]]'' [6.07] ===
:''[An intern at HHM, Cary, drops soda cans when he sees Howard setting up the conference room for the Sandpiper mediation]''
:'''Cary''': Uh, excuse me, Mr. Hamlin! I-I was told I should restock the fridge before the meeting.
:'''Howard''': No worries. Here, let me give you a hand.
:'''Cary''': Thank you!
:'''Howard''': Uh, you're... Gary?
:'''Cary''': Cary! Anderson.
:'''Howard''': Mm... of course. Cary. ''[sees Cary stocking the fridge with the dropped cans]'' Cary, what happens when you drop or shake a can of soda?
:'''Cary''': ...Right. ''[mimes explosion]'' I'm sorry, I'm, uh...
:'''Howard''': Here, let me show you a little trick. ''[picks up and spins a soda can]'' Something about the centrifugal force pulls the bubbles from the inside of the can, stops it from exploding. Don't want our clients to get a surprise now, do we?
:'''Cary''': That works?
:''[Howard opens the can without incident and takes a sip]''
:'''Cary''': Alright!
:'''Howard''': You know who taught me that trick? ''[points at the picture of Chuck in the conference room]'' He used to do it. Had a habit - anytime he opened a can, almost unconsciously. I asked him about it once... just his way of being prepared for anything, accidental or otherwise. 
:'''Cary''': Um, I'm sorry, I'm... kinda new here. I- I have to ask, who is that?
:'''Howard''': Charles McGill. The &quot;M&quot; in HHM. Greatest legal mind I ever knew.
:'''Cary''': Wow! I hope someone says that about me someday.
:'''Howard''': Well... maybe there are more important things.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Howard, Cliff, and the rest of the parties in the Sandpiper mediation are in the HHM conference room; Rand Casimiro is seated at the head of the table; Jimmy and Kim listen in on the meeting through a disposable cell phone in Saul Goodman's office]''
:'''Rand Casimiro:''' Hello. I know we're all anxious to get things started but you'll have to suffer through my traditional spiel, unfortunately. My name is Rand Casimiro, and I am your mediator for these proceedings. Now, I'm happy to be here. But at the end, hopefully all of you in the room and those listening from various locations ''won't'' be happy with me. And why do I say that? Because the best solutions mean compromise. It's compromise from both sides. That's my goal. But as my wife always says, compromising doesn't mean I'm right and she's wrong. ''[chuckles]'' So, let us move forward—
:'''Howard:''' ''Hmph.''
:''[Everyone in the conference room turns to Howard]''
:'''Cliff:''' ...Howard?
:'''Howard:''' I-I'm... Wow. ''[pause]'' I'm... I'm sorry. I don't think we can proceed with these negotiations today.
:'''Rich:''' Why not?
:'''Howard:''' Well, let's just say, circumstances beyond any of our control.
:'''Rich:''' Well, I'm going to have to insist that you be more specific.
:'''Howard:''' Well, our mediator here keeps using the word &quot;compromise&quot; when ''he'', in fact, is compromised.
:'''Casimiro:''' I beg your pardon?
:'''Howard:''' I think you heard me.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...?
:'''Howard:''' You drive a silver Miata, correct? 
:'''Casimiro:''' I do.
:'''Howard:''' And this morning, around 7 a.m., you walked across Trumbull Park in town?
:'''Casimiro:''' No. 
:'''Howard:''' You didn't stop at the park this morning?
:'''Casimiro:''' I didn't. I got to Albuquerque early, not at 7 a.m. And I didn't go to a park.
:'''Howard:''' You sure?
:'''Cliff:''' Howard, if the judge says he's sure, then I&amp;ndash;
:'''Casimiro:''' Of course I'm sure! If it matters, I arrived in town about ten, I stopped at a gas station, I went by a liquor store and bought a gift. I had a lunch salad and a very nice latté from the Flying Star on Menaul. I read ''[[w:Barron's_(newspaper)|Barron's]]''. Then came here.
:'''Howard:''' ''Mmmm''. So you weren't in town to visit our mutual acquaintance, James Morgan McGill? Or maybe you know him as &quot;Saul Goodman&quot;. 
:'''Casimiro:''' I don't know anyone by either of those names.
:'''Howard:''' Okay. You want to go that way? ''[to his secretary]'' Julie, go to my desk, please. There's an envelope with photos. Bring it to me quickly.
:'''Julie:''' Oh. Okay. ''[leaves]''
:'''Cliff:''' Howard, can we have a sidebar&amp;ndash;?
:'''Casimiro:''' I'm sorry. These photos &amp;ndash; these are photos of me? 
:'''Howard:''' They show exactly what I'm describing.
:'''Casimiro:''' You were following me?
:'''Howard:''' I had a private investigator following Jimmy McGill. You were photographed receiving what I estimate to be a $20,000 payoff this morning in the park.
:'''Rich:''' I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is just&amp;ndash; ''[sighs; to Howard]'' You recommended this judge as a mediator and we agreed. And now... ''Jimmy?'' Jimmy McGill &amp;ndash; who originated this suit &amp;ndash; is ''what?'' 
:'''Howard:''' A-admittedly, it all sounds a bit baroque. But when you see the photos, things will be clearer.
:'''Casimiro:''' Well, I'm looking forward to that.
:''[long pause; Julie enters the room with the envelope]''
:'''Julie:''' I have the pictures, Mr. Hamlin. 
:'''Howard:''' Thank you, Julie. ''[opens the envelope]'' And now, take a look.
:''[Howard looks at the photos with Cliff, Schweikart, Casimiro, Irene and Julie looking behind him. Instead of an actor dressed as Casimiro as he had seen earlier, the photos show Jimmy sitting at a park bench exchanging a frisbee with the Sound Guy, dressed as a jogger]''
:'''Casimiro:''' ...Is that supposed to be ''me''?
:'''Howard:''' I, uh... This is... This is not... Julie, you got the wrong envelope.
:'''Julie:''' That was the only one on your desk.
:'''Howard:''' Look again!
:''[Julie leaves]''
:'''Howard:''' They-they've been switched. Somehow he switched them.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...
:'''Howard:''' No. Jimmy &amp;ndash; he snuck in somehow, and these are not the pictures I saw.
:''[Howard turns to Erin, who notices that his pupils are now dilated]''
:'''Erin:''' Mr. Hamlin, are you all right? Your eyes...
:'''Howard:''' ''[agitated]'' I am fine! This is all something that will be sorted out, I am confident!
:''[Cliff rises and guides Howard out of his seat]''
:'''Cliff:''' I think a recess is in order.
:'''Howard:''' Nobody move! Evidence has been tampered with!
:'''Cliff:''' Now Howard, please!
:''[Howard and Cliff leave the conference room. Everyone left behind is stunned silent]''
:'''Irene:''' ...Is this how these usually go?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Cliff confronts Howard in his office after the fiasco in the conference room]''
:'''Howard:''' Cliff? Is that you? I'm not crazy, and I'm not on drugs. Please, come in. Now somehow, some way, that son of a bitch gave me something that dilated my pupils. I-I don't know what. But it's wearing off already, look. ''[gestures toward his eyes]'' 
:'''Cliff:''' You say that Jimmy McGill drugged you? How is that possible?
:'''Howard:''' The-the photos. They were wet with... ''something''.
:'''Cliff:''' The missing photos.
:'''Howard:''' Yeah. My P.I., Genidowski, had to have been in on it. He-he must have shown me one set of photos and then switched them after I left the office. 
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...
:'''Howard:''' Three weeks ago, Julie got a call from our detective agency. They wanted to update their contact info, so of course she changed the number in the system. But it turns out, it wasn't them. That was Jimmy. So when I needed an investigator to follow Jimmy, I called his fake number and his fake man. She just dialed the old number and, of course, got the actual agency. And, no surprise, no one by the name of Genidowski had ever worked there. I hired a con man. I got played. Every step of the way. I know what it sounds like, but you have to believe me.
:'''Cliff:''' I... It doesn't matter. Rich went back to the previous offer. I'll give a recommend to the class that we take it.
:'''Howard:''' No. No way. We do not let Jimmy win this.
:'''Cliff:''' Why would Jimmy even do this? He's a profit participant! This means less money for him!
:'''Howard:''' Because he's a child! He wants his money now! He begged me months ago to settle! You know what he does!
:'''Cliff:''' Whatever the truth is, we'll never get back to where we were before mediation. We have to settle.
:'''Howard:''' I'm lead attorney. And I won't sanction that decision.
:'''Cliff:''' Then I'm obligated to go to the partners and explain everything I've seen &amp;ndash; all of it. You think you're gonna be able to convince them it was all Jimmy McGill?
:'''Howard:''' ...Okay then. We go to trial. Cliff, this case is incredibly strong. I put this thing in front of a jury, then everything will&amp;ndash;
:'''Cliff:''' I'm not thinking about you, Howard. I'm not thinking about Jimmy. I'm thinking about the time, the expense, the uncertainty. I'm thinking about our clients!
:''[Howard bows his head in defeat.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo records a video message for Eladio while he's hiding in the sewers surveilling Gus' laundromat. The dialogue switches between Spanish and English.]''
:'''Lalo''': Don Eladio. Guess who?  It's Lalo, I'm alive! ''[chuckles]'' I'm here in beautiful downtown Albuquerque. ''[pans the camera around his belongings]'' Been here... four nights? Now, you may be asking, &quot;What am I doing down in this shithole?&quot; Well, [[w:Axe and Grind|a little Croatian bird told me a secret]]. Eh, he put up a hell of a fight, but he told me. Look. ''[points the camera at his target, Lavanderia Brilliante]'' See that? Right there... Fring's secret. Now, I've been watching and Fring hides his guards very well, but they're there, dressed like laundry workers. ''[zooms in on one &quot;worker&quot;]'' See? That's one there. They're hiding guns under the uniforms, but I see. I have a pretty good idea of what I'm up against. ''[points the camera back at himself]'' I can tell you what's in there. A big hole where a German engineer, Werner Ziegler, designed the perfect place to hide the... ''[in English]'' &quot;mother of all meth labs.&quot; ''[in Spanish]'' Well, that's my story. And Fring? Fring will have his story, a good one, and Bolsa will back him because he's an... ''[in English]'' &quot;earner.&quot; ''[in Spanish]'' So tonight, I go in... kill all the guards and show you the proof. And then? You decide... ''Adios.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim are watching a movie in Kim's apartment when they hear a knock at the door. It's revealed to be Howard, disheveled and holding a bottle of Macallan scotch whisky.]''
:'''Howard:''' Can I come in? 
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah. Come on.
:'''Howard:''' Kim.
:'''Kim:''' Howard. You doing okay?
:'''Howard:''' I'm fine. Sorry to interrupt this, but I brought you a gift.
:'''Jimmy:''' A gift? What's the occasion?
:'''Howard:''' Your brother and I, we always had a meeting with Mr. Macallan after a big victory. Usually some brilliant summation by Chuck, that goes without saying. So this, this is for you. You earned it. You won.
:'''Jimmy:''' Won? Uh, what did I win?
:'''Howard:''' ''[pause]'' I get it. Of course you both have to play it this way. You're both so very good at it. 
:'''Kim:''' It's late, Howard. Do you want to tell us what this is about?
:'''Howard:''' I was wondering that too. ''[walks to the kitchen]'' What it's all about. I mean, what do you tell yourselves? What justification makes it okay? &quot;Howard's such an asshole that he deserves it?&quot; ''[offers two glasses to Jimmy and Kim]'' 
:'''Jimmy:''' We're good.
:'''Howard:''' So, what is it? I sided with Chuck too often? ''[points to Kim]'' I took away your office, put you in doc review? All of the above? Howard's daddy helped him get to the top, but you both had to struggle. &quot;Howie has so much and we have so little, let's take him down a peg or two.&quot; What allows you to do this to me? Because this isn't just a prank. No. This goes beyond [[w:Namaste (Better Call Saul)|throwing bowling balls on my car]]. This took planning, coordination. I mean, how many weeks? Or-or-or was it months? It couldn't have been easy. So tell me, why? Why go through this elaborate plot just to burn me to the ground?
:'''Jimmy:''' &quot;Burn you to the ground?&quot; Howard, come on. Y-you'll be fine. You always land on your feet.
:'''Howard:''' Yeah, sure. The Sandpiper settlement—HHM's share will be substantial, absolutely. Even though I humiliated myself. And my clients and peers will whisper that Howard Hamlin's a drug addict. You're right. I've worked my way through worse. Debt. Depression. My marriage falling apart.
:''[Jimmy blinks in surprise. He and Kim exchange looks]''
:'''Howard:''' Oh, yeah. Been sleeping in the guest house for the better part of a year. Just one more thing that good ol' Howard has to work through. But yes, I will land on my feet. I will be okay. But you? Far from it. You two... you two are soulless. Jimmy, you can't help yourself. Chuck knew it. You were ''born'' that way. ''[to Kim]'' But you—one of the smartest and most promising human beings I've ever known, and ''this'' is the life you choose. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright, you're too tight to drive, I'm calling a cab—
:'''Howard:''' Oh good, phony compassion. And you know what? Very, very believable. But I'm far from done.
:'''Kim:''' Oh no no no. You are done, Howard. Sorry, but you need to stop this now and you need to go home.
:'''Howard:''' You're perfect for each other. You have a piece missing. I-I-I thought you did it for the money, but it-it—Now it's so clear. Screw the money, you did it for fun! You get off on it! You're like [[w:Leopold and Loeb|Leopold and Loeb]], two sociopaths—
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright, that's enough.
:'''Howard:''' Oh, you know it's true, you just don't have the guts to admit it.
:'''Kim:''' Great. Now you need to go.
:'''Howard:''' I'm gonna make it clear to everyone, because I'm going to dedicate my life to making sure that everybody knows the truth. Believe it. You can't hide who you really are forever.
:''[Jimmy reflexively shields Kim as Lalo Salamanca enters the room; Jimmy is stunned]''
:'''Jimmy:''' How...
:''[Howard turns around and see Lalo, who non-chalantly stands next to him]''
:'''Kim:''' H-Howard... Howard. Howard, you need to leave.
:'''Howard:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Who are you?
:'''Lalo:''' Me? Nobody. I just need to talk to my lawyers.
:'''Howard:''' ''[scoffs]'' Oh, is that right? You want some advice? Find better lawyers.
:'''Kim:''' Howard, please j-just... just... just turn around—
:'''Lalo:''' No, no, no, no, no. Take your time.
:'''Howard:''' ''[to Kim]'' What's this about? 
:''[Lalo calmly takes a pistol out of his pocket and screws a silencer onto the muzzle]''
:'''Kim:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Please... please, just tell us what you want.
:'''Lalo:''' ''[shrugs]'' Like I said. To talk.
:'''Howard:''' I, uh... I think I'm in the middle of something, uh... There's really no need to—
:''[Lalo puts the gun to Howard's head and pulls the trigger; Howard falls onto the floor, killed instantly. Jimmy and Kim scream.]''
:'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Please, no!''
:'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''No! No!''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[holds out his hand to quiet them down]'' ''Shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh.'' Okay. Let's talk.

=== ''[[w:Point and Shoot (Better Call Saul) | Point and Shoot]]'' [6.08] ===
:''[Jimmy and Kim are cowering in terror when Lalo forces them to sit on their couch]''
:'''Jimmy''': I never turned on you. I didn't. I only worked for you in the desert. I was on your side the whole time.
:'''Lalo''': Shhh. ''[motions for Jimmy to sit down with his gun]'' I don't care. You two... ''[chuckles; shakes his head]'' God, you two and your mouths! ''Dios mío!'' Now, ''you listen.'' ''[tosses car keys to Jimmy]'' My car's downstairs. Press the clicker, and you'll find it. This... ''[holds up small piece of paper]'' is where you are going. Don't speed, don't weave, don't cut anyone off. Just, you know, drive nice. From here, ''[checks watch]'' at this hour... I'd take 40 east, get off at Carlisle, take the third left. The rest I drew a little map for you on the back. It's not hard. So... big white brick house with a solid black door. You can't miss it. It's right at the end of the T. Park a little down the street and not up front. It's a quiet neighborhood, so you'll have plenty of options. Stating the obvious here maybe, but... turn the car off, right? So, in the glove compartment, I left you a present. There's a camera and there's a gun. And you're gonna need both.
:'''Jimmy''': A gun?
:'''Lalo''': Yeah, yeah, yeah. But don't worry. I mean, it's–it's easy. It's a revolver. It's already loaded, no safety—it's idiot proof. So, you go up to that house, you walk right up to that black door. Don't run. Just be casual, like a stroll, you know? Keep the gun somewhere behind you where they can't see it. You ring the bell, you count to three, you step back. They look through the peephole, you're as innocent as can be. Door opens, you point... and you shoot. And you keep on pulling that trigger until it's empty. ''[pause]'' Simple. 
:'''Jimmy''': You–you want me to—?!
:'''Lalo''': I know, I know. ''[casually nudges Howard's dead body with his foot]'' You're a lawyer, and you're not a killer. But look, you can do this, okay? This guy, he's a housecat! Black, medium height, short hair, glasses! He kinda looks like a librarian... but don't be fooled. Even a housecat can scratch. So, that's it. Hard part's over. Now, you pull out the camera. Same principle as the gun: Point and shoot. Take a picture. One where I can see the face ''clearly''... and then you bring it back here where, me and Mrs. Goodman will be waiting for you. And then you're done! I'd say it's about a twenty minute drive over there... ''[Jimmy looks nervously at Kim]'' twenty minutes back. Maybe ten minutes to do the job. Let's go with an hour altogether. So, you're back here in an hour, or—
:''[Jimmy forcibly turns on the Saul Goodman charm]''
:'''Jimmy''': Send her.
:'''Kim''': ...What?! 
:'''Jimmy''': She should do it.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy...
:'''Lalo''': ''[pause]'' Why her? 
:'''Kim''': ''[whispers to Jimmy]'' Don't do this.
:'''Jimmy''': This guy, the–the housecat.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy, please.
:'''Jimmy''': He looks through his peephole... 
:'''Kim''': ''Please.''
:'''Jimmy''': ...in the middle of the night, and he sees me? &quot;Who's this asshole? What's he doing?&quot; Maybe–maybe he gets ''his'' gun, maybe he calls the cops. Either way, that door stays shut. But he sees a woman...
:'''Kim''': No.
:'''Jimmy''': ...she looks like she's in distress. Maybe her car broke down. ''[chuckles]'' I mean, you'd open the door for her, wouldn't you?
:'''Kim''': Stop! Stop!
:'''Lalo''': Yeah, but... she's really clever. I don't know if she's gonna stick to the plan.
:'''Jimmy''': She will.
:'''Kim''': No, no, no.
:'''Jimmy''': No cops. You know she will.
:'''Kim''': No. No, this... This doesn't even make any sense! I–I–I've never shot a gun before! I've never even held one!  
:'''Jimmy''': Like I have.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy, what are you doing?! 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo while pointing at Kim]'' You know she's the best choice.
:'''Kim''': No, I'm not! I don't—I can't! I can't do it! 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo]'' She can do it. You know she can do it!
:'''Kim''': No! Jimmy, I'll stay! Stop! Just stop! 
:'''Jimmy''': You know I'm right! Listen! 
:'''Kim''': Stop it! Shut up! 
:'''Jimmy''': Listen! 
:'''Kim''': SHUT UP!
:'''Lalo''': ''[rolls his eyes]'' Oh, my God! Okay, fine! Yeah, heard! Whatever. Give her the keys, give her the address. Let's go. ''[walks toward the front door]'' 
:'''Kim''': ''[to Jimmy]'' No. Don't... Don't.
:'''Jimmy''': You... you gotta go.
:'''Kim''': ''[softly]'' Don't do this.
:'''Jimmy''': Come on. Hey... ''[whispering]'' Let's go.
:''[Kim reluctantly gets up and is about to leave the apartment, but Lalo stops her]''
:'''Lalo''': Hold on. ''[pause; Kim looks at him]'' You're gonna need your shoes, right? 
:''[Kim stares at Jimmy while she puts her shoes on]'' 
:'''Lalo''': There you go! Okay, ''[looks at watch]'' so one hour starting... now. Clock's ticking, Mrs. Goodman.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo ties Jimmy to a chair while interrogating him about the assassination attempt at his hacienda]'' 
:'''Lalo''': You know, after I saw you last, I went home. My home. ''Mi cielito lindo''... And you know what happened? Men came. Armed men, in the middle of the night. To my home. Trying to get to me. And you know what they did? They killed people I care about. They killed my cook. My gardener. A seventeen-year-old kid I knew since he was knee-high. Never hurt a fly. Butchered my housekeeper, Yolanda. ''Una viejita, cabrón.'' They shot her in the back. 
:'''Jimmy''': ...I'm sorry.
:'''Lalo''': Now, how did these men... get into my home? Do you know? 
:'''Jimmy''': I... I have–I have no idea.
:'''Lalo''': Ignacio Varga. ''He'' let them in. And who did Ignacio introduce me to? ''[taps Jimmy's head]'' You.
:'''Jimmy''': Ignacio... Nacho? ''[brief pause]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa! I–I barely know Ignacio! Whatever he did, he did alone! Not with me! Listen, you gotta believe me! Hand to God, I had no part in this—it wasn't me! ''It was '''Igna—''''' 
:''[Lalo sneaks up from behind and gags Jimmy with a rolled-up shirt]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[through the gag]'' Ignacio! It's not me! Listen, listen! I–I don't know about...
:'''Lalo''': Save it. ''[looks Jimmy in the eyes]'' I'm gonna come back. And then you... are gonna tell me ''the whole story.''
:''[Before leaving the apartment, Lalo presses play on the movie Jimmy and Kim were watching earlier and turns up the volume. He picks up Jimmy's car keys by the front door.]''
:'''Lalo''': Ford Taurus... taupe? ''[rolls eyes and shakes his head before leaving]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike disarms Kim and forces her inside Gus' house before she can shoot. Gus watches Mike question her through surveillance monitors at his neighbors' residence.]''
:'''Kim''': What are you doing?! I–I have to go! I have to—No, wait! 
:'''Mike''': Ms. Wexler, I'd like you to sit down.
:'''Kim''': He'll–He'll kill him! You have to... You—
:'''Mike''': Now, sit there and be calm!
:'''Kim''': No, I have to get back! ''I have to get back!''
:'''Mike''': ''[restrains her and forces her back down]'' Sit ''still''... and stay calm. Now, if you take a deep breath—a ''deep'' breath—nothing's gonna happen here until you calm yourself. Alright? Now, who is killing who?
:'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca! Lalo is going to kill Jimmy! ''[Mike looks shocked]'' He's there! He–he is there with Jimmy now!
:'''Mike''': Salamanca is at your apartment?!
:'''Kim''': Yes! He sent ''me!'' He–he wanted to send Jimmy, but then he sent me.
:'''Mike''': To do what exactly?! ''[pause; Kim hyperventilates]'' Ms. Wexler, you stay with me! What were you supposed to do here?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat; points at a man who looks identical to Gus]'' Shoot him. I'm–I'm supposed to shoot him, and then take a photo, and then get back. That's it. I only have twenty minutes left! Please! ''[Mike quickly looks and nods at one of his guys]'' He is ''alone'' with him!
:'''Mike''': Alright, stay put. We'll handle this. We ''will'' handle this. ''[to Victor]'' You call Tyrus. Get him to the condo ''now.''
:'''Kim''': You said you were watching us! WHERE WERE YOU?! HUH?! ''[Mike leaves]'' '''WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!''' 
:''[Kim tries to get up, but Victor stands in her way and forces her to sit down again]'' 
:'''Victor''': You heard what the man said.
:''[Mike walks through the corridor connecting the two homes and reports to Gus.]''
:'''Mike''': You heard all that? ''[Gus nods]'' Alright. You hunker down here. ''[to two bodyguards]'' You two, you stay with him. A dog barks too loud, you are on the phone with me. ''[to Arthur and Tyrus]'' You two, come with me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After growing restless over Lalo's whereabouts, Gus calls Victor and asks him to speak to Kim about Lalo]''
:'''Gus''': Why did Lalo send you?
:'''Kim''': Who is this? 
:'''Victor''': Answer him. ''[points behind him]''
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' He didn't want to send me. Not at first. He wanted to send my husband... but my husband talked him out of it because he wanted to get me out of there.
:'''Gus''': He... talked Lalo out of it?
:'''Kim''': That's right. ''[pause]'' Now that I've told you everything I know, please tell me. Tell me who—
:''[Gus hangs up the phone and looks at his bodyguards]'' 
:'''Gus''': Come with me. Both of you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo records another video message for Don Eladio while holding Gus at gunpoint at the laundromat. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Lalo:''' Don Eladio, look who we have here. The one and only Gustavo Fring. [''chuckles''] And wearing body armor! Too bad they don't make armor for your head, eh? Now we're gonna take a little walk and show you around. ''Vamanos''. [''clicks tongue''] Don, I would've liked it if we didn't have to rush this so much. We could sit by your pool... strip this snake's skin off, inch by inch. Take our time, have some fun. But he shows up now... who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth? 
:''[Gus stops at one of the large washers]''
:'''Lalo:''' A big machine hides a big secret. We have about... thirteen minutes until his bald ''gringo'' gets here with the cavalry, so Gustavo is going to have to give us the nickel tour. ''[beat; shoots Gus in the chest]'' Like I was saying, Gustavo is going to show us around. 
:''[Gus walks around and pushes a button, which opens the secret passage to the underground meth lab]'' 
:'''Lalo:''' ''Ha!'' Magnificent! I had a bathtub that did this, but... credit where credit is due, this is better. ''[laughs]'' ''Hijo de puta''. 
:''[Gus leads Lalo down a ladder and turns on the lights]''
:'''Lalo:''' [''chuckles; in English''] Okay. Drumroll, please. ''D-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r''... Ta-da! ''[laughs]'' ''Cadenza de wow'', no? ''[in Spanish]'' Don Eladio, I've heard some stories about this place. It took a bunch of German engineers ten months to build all of this. They used two hundred pounds of high explosive. Dug out 120,000 cubic meters of dirt and rock. And all... without disturbing the laundry up there. In the middle of a city with a million people! That's pretty badass, right? 
:''[Gus trips and falls to the ground when Lalo pushes his pistol against his back]''
:'''Lalo''': One moment, Don. ''[puts the camcorder between his teeth as he switches the magazines of his pistol]'' Think of the laboratory you could put here, Don Eladio. ''Eh?'' How much meth you could make... that was his plan. Cut you out to become boss. And now here we are, in this big hole! ''[cackles]'' Gustavo thought he was building an empire, but all he built himself was a tomb. 
:'''Gus:''' You can't kill me.
:'''Lalo:''' Why not?
:'''Gus:''' I haven't told that fat pig Eladio what I think of him yet. 
:'''Lalo:''' ''Hoo-hoo!'' Perfect! You've got one minute. 
:'''Gus:''' Eladio... you greasy, bloated pimp. You talk of honor. But you have none. A pack of stray dogs fighting for scraps has more honor. Jackals. That's all you are! No vision. No patience. No thought. Stupid and impulsive! That is how I did all this. You couldn't see it, couldn't even conceive of it. And you Salamancas... you're the worst vermin of all. You say you believe in &quot;blood for blood&quot; but you only understand blood for money! You're whores!  ''[in English]'' I understand blood for blood. Hector? Yeah, I kept him alive. Kept him broken. I will save him to the last. Before he dies, he will know '''''I''' buried every one of you.'' 
:'''Lalo:''' ''[sniggers]'' Big talk. You done?
:'''Gus:''' No. Not yet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy:''' Lalo said he was coming back.
:'''Mike:''' He's not coming.
:'''Jimmy:''' No, he said he was, he told me—
:'''Mike:''' You understand me? He is ''not coming back.'' Let's sit. ''[pause; Jimmy and Kim remain standing]'' '''''SIT.'''''
:''[Jimmy and Kim sit at the foot of their bed; Mike stands in front of them.]''
:'''Mike:''' Alright. Here's what's gonna happen: In a few days, Howard Hamlin's car will be found several states away by the water. The odometer will have rolled to the exact number of miles it took to get there. There will be cocaine in the upholstery. That was the story you were setting up for this guy, yeah? They'll call it a suicide, hoping the body will come washing up. It never will. At some point, you're gonna hear about it. Someone calls you, someone at the courthouse mentions it—the moment that happens—you call the cops. His car was here for hours last night. Good chance somebody noticed it. That means you are the last people to see him alive. Cops are gonna want to hear from you. You tell the cops you saw him—he came here, seemed like maybe he was chemically altered, didn't make a lick of sense. Then he left, that's all you know. You keep telling the lie you've been telling. Now, Ms. Wexler tells me she has court at ten. What's on your docket? ''[Jimmy doesn't answer]'' Hey. ''Listen.'' Where do you need to be?
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh, office. At my office. Clients start showing up around 9:30. ''Oh'', my car is gone.
:'''Mike:''' No. It's on the way home, you'll have it when you need it. So you two are going to go about your day—normal, same as ever. Today, you're Meryl Streep and Laurence Olivier. No staring into space, nothing out of the ordinary, you ''cover.'' Anybody talks to you, it's just another day that ends in Y, that's all. When you get home, we'll be gone and everything will be back the way it was. Now, I need to impress upon you: none of this ever happened. None of it. Understand? Say it out loud, I need to hear it.
:'''Jimmy:''' ...I understand.
:'''Kim:''' ...It never happened.

=== ''[[w:Fun and Games (Better Call Saul) | Fun and Games]]'' [6.09] ===
:'''Jimmy''': One day, we'll... We'll wake up, and brush our teeth, and we'll go to work. And at some point, we'll suddenly realize... [[w:Bad Choice Road | that we hadn't thought about it at all. None of it]]. ''[pause]'' And that's when we'll know. We'll know we can forget.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gus meets with Don Eladio, Juan Bolsa, and the Salamancas late at night. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Eladio''': Don Hector has made a very serious accusation. 
:''[One of the Cousins hands a letter to Don Juan]'' 
:'''Bolsa''': These are Don Hector's words. Dictated to Leonel and Marco, letter by letter. &quot;The assault on my nephew's hacienda failed. Lalo fought the assassins and won. The day after the attack, Lalo called me. I heard the truth from his own lips. It was Fring who sent the mercenaries, not the Peruvians. We kept Lalo's survival a secret. My nephew was about to take his revenge on the traitor, face-to-face. Instead, he disappeared. It is the Chicken Man's doing. Don Eladio, look into Fring's eyes. There you will see the truth. The Chicken Man hates you. He is our enemy. He plots against us. I demand blood for blood.&quot;
:''[Bolsa folds the letter and sits back down]''
:'''Eladio''': Well, Gustavo?
:'''Gus''': ''[pause]'' I have no response.
:'''Bolsa''': Gustavo, you must speak. Have you no defense?
:'''Gus''': With all due respect, I don't believe this merits a response.
:'''Eladio''': Did you witness these phone calls from Lalo? ''[Leonel and Marco shake their heads]'' I was told you saw Lalo's body.
:'''Leonel''': Yes.
:'''Marco''': It was burned.
:'''Eladio''': Didn't the ''federales'' check the teeth?
:'''Bolsa''': Yes, Don Eladio. My brother tells me the dental records matched. 
:'''Eladio''': And that rat, Varga... What did he say before he died?
:'''Bolsa''': He said he was in the pay of the Peruvians, Los Odios. We know he took their money, we found bank statements.
:'''Eladio''': ''[beat; looks at his watch]'' Well... It's late. Don Hector... Since you've come a long way, tonight you sleep in my bed. ''[Hector angrily rings his bell repeatedly in protest]'' No, I insist. No arguing. I'm giving you my room. Very comfortable. And who knows? Maybe a couple of the girls will come to visit! ''[pause; Hector continues ringing his bell]'' Please. ''[Leonel and Marco carry Hector by his wheelchair and leave]'' Good night, Hector. Sleep well. ''[to Gus]'' I'd invite you to stay as well, Gustavo, but... I don't want my breakfast ruined by all the... ''[mocks Hector ringing his bell and laughs]'' Ay-yay-yay. ''[beat]'' The peace must be kept. What do you suggest?
:'''Gus''': I wouldn't presume.
:'''Eladio''': The South Valley will stay Salamanca territory. And the rest of the North, that'll be for you to manage. Working under Bolsa.
:'''Bolsa''': Thank you, Don Eladio.
:'''Gus''': ''[rises with Eladio out of his chair]'' Thank you. Your trust means everything, Don Eladio.
:'''Eladio''': ''Bueno.'' Gustavo... ''[long pause]'' When I looked into your eyes... Hate. A little bit's okay. As long as you never forget who's boss. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike meets with Nacho's father outside his shop to let him know about Nacho's fate]''
:'''Manuel''': Who are you?
:'''Mike''': It's not important.
:'''Manuel''': I saw you here before. [[w:Cobbler (Better Call Saul)|Chrysler Fifth Avenue]]. What about my son?
:'''Mike''': I'm sorry, he won't be found. ''[pause]'' It was over fast. No pain.
:'''Manuel''': You were there?
:'''Mike''': I was there. Your son made some mistakes, he fell in with bad people... but he was never like them. Not really. He had a good heart. One more thing: you won't have to worry about the Salamancas. Their day is coming. There'll be justice.
:'''Manuel''': Justice?
:'''Mike''': I'm sorry, my Spanish - j-''justicia.'' Justice.
:'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' What you talk about... is not justice. What you talk of is... ''revenge.'' It never ends... my boy is gone. ''[scoffs, speaks in Spanish]'' You gangsters and your &quot;justice.&quot; You're all the same.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim approach Cliff and Howard's widow, Cheryl, at a memorial reception in the offices of HHM.]''
:'''Kim:''' Cliff.
:'''Cliff:''' Kim, Jimmy.
:'''Cheryl:''' Kim, hi.
:''[Jimmy extends his hand to Cheryl; she doesn't take it]''
:'''Jimmy:''' Hi, Cheryl. I'm Jimmy McGill. You may not remember me. I'm Chuck McGill's brother.
:'''Cheryl:''' Of course.
:'''Jimmy:''' Very sorry for your loss. ''[sighs]''
:'''Kim:''' Cheryl, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. If Jimmy and I can do anything for you or your family, please just say the word.
:''[Jimmy and Kim are about to walk away]''
:'''Cheryl:''' There is something, actually. You two were the last ones to see him, weren't you?
:'''Kim:''' Um...
:'''Jimmy:''' I guess so. Uh, that's what the police said.
:'''Cheryl:''' Howard told me that you were harassing him, playing elaborate pranks of some sort. That you wouldn't leave him alone.
:'''Jimmy:''' I know he thought that. He—he—he told me as well. Um, I think he honestly believed it.
:'''Cheryl:''' But you're denying it.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' You know what, I didn't leave here under the best terms. The past few years, I could have been more considerate to Howard instead of yitzing him every chance I got. I guess, uh, there was a certain amount of jealousy on my part because Howard had the, uh, respect of my brother. Which I never did. ''[Jimmy steps away]''
:'''Cheryl:''' Tell me what you told the police. 
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' Okay, um... Well, I mean, it was 11pm. Howard started pounding on our door. He was very upset, going on about something, um, he thought was my fault, uh... Guess it had to do with the Sandpiper case. But I—I couldn't make head or tail out of it. We tried to calm him down. But... he just—he just wouldn't, um... Finally, he left. That's—that's it.
:'''Cheryl:''' I'm not oblivious. I know people are saying he was on drugs. Is that what you're trying to tell me?
:'''Jimmy:''' I just... He just didn't seem like himself.
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' Are you hearing all of this? Because none of it makes sense to me. 
:'''Cliff:''' Cheryl, maybe we should just—
:'''Cheryl:''' I don't care what people are saying. I don't care what the police think. Howard was not on drugs. That simply is not true. There's something more to this. 
:'''Kim:''' I don't know if it's my place, but... I—I...
:'''Cheryl:''' Please. Just spit it out. ''[sharply inhales]''
:'''Kim:''' ''[sighs]'' It was about a year-and-a-half ago. I was still an associate here, working late on a brief. And I saw a light on in Howard's office. I assumed the cleaning crew left it on by mistake. And I was sure that office was empty, so I didn't knock.
:'''Cheryl:''' ...And?
:'''Kim:''' And Howard was there at his desk, head down. And he was snorting something. 
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[scoffs]''
:'''Kim:''' I looked at him. He looked at me. I didn't know what to do, so I just walked out. And the next morning, when we saw each other, neither of us ever said anything about it. I never told anyone. But now I wish I had. 
:''[Long pause]''
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' In all the years that you worked with him, have you witnessed anything like this? Even a hint? Cliff...
:'''Cliff:''' I... Cheryl, this really isn't the time or the place.
:''[Cheryl begins to cry]''
:'''Kim:''' Cheryl. You were his wife. You saw him every day. You knew him better than anyone. Maybe I misunderstood what I saw. You would have known. 
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[voice breaking]'' Please excuse me.
:''[Cheryl retreats into a women's restroom]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kim and her client are sitting in a courtroom as the presiding judge, Gabriel Dearden, takes the bench]''
:'''Bailiff:''' All rise. Court is now in session, the Honorable Judge Dearden presiding.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Good afternoon. We are here to discuss a motion to exclude evidence in ''State of New Mexico vs. Yarborough''. 
:'''Kim:''' ''[rises]'' Your honor, if I may. I submitted an additional motion. I'm assuming you have not seen it yet.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Did we get that?
:'''Secretary:''' It just came in, judge.
:''[The secretary approaches the bench and hands the motion to Judge Dearden]''
:'''Kim:''' I apologize, it was a last-minute addition. 
:'''Judge Dearden:''' &quot;Last minute&quot; is right. ''[looking through the motion]'' 
:''[Pause]''
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ...Do I understand this correctly? You're requesting to withdraw from this case?
:'''Kim:''' Yes, your honor. My client is fully informed. And I've already been in touch with another attorney, Paige Novick. She's highly qualified and familiar with the case. She's prepared to step if you'll allow it.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Ms. Wexler, Mr. Orenstein, approach the bench.
:''[Kim and the prosecutor do so]''
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[to Kim]'' Ms. Wexler, we are here today at your insistence to consider your motion to exclude evidence. And this is the moment you choose to withdraw?
:'''Kim:''' It was unavoidable.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' May I ask why?
:'''Kim:''' Personal reasons, your honor.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' &quot;Personal reasons.&quot; Are we talking about a health issue, something to do with a loved one?
:'''Kim:''' No.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you rather discuss privately in chambers?
:'''Kim:''' Thank you for the consideration, but no.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you care to supply any detail at all?
:'''Kim:''' Your honor, I prefer not to.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[pause; to Orenstein]'' ...Mr. Orenstein, is the state prepared to discuss Ms. Wexler's motion?
:'''Orenstein:''' We are, your honor. Absolutely.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' You know what, Ms. Wexler? Mr. Orenstein's here. I'm here. We all showed up for your party, and now you're taking away the punch bowl. I'm inclined to have you argue your motion, then I'll consider later writing petitions. 
:'''Kim:''' I'm sorry for wasting the court's time, your honor, but it's impossible for me to continue with this hearing.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' And why is that, Ms. Wexler?
:'''Kim:''' Because I'm no longer an attorney. 
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[brief pause]'' ...I'm sorry, what?
:'''Kim:''' I gave notice to the bar two hours ago.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy arrives home after hearing the news that Kim has quit her legal career]''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''You did what?!'' Why?! ''WHY?!'' Alright, alright, I know why. But Kim, you can't just—
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy, I—
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Shhh!'' Just let me say my piece, okay? Just—Let's take a breath here! Kim, after everything that happened... I mean, Jesus! I get it! You want to climb out of your own skin! That's natural! But Kim, you don't just throw everything away! Th-th-this is your life! You're a lawyer! What about your clients, huh? What about, uh... that poor guy, Mr. Yarborough? What about the kid in foster care? Huh?! You give them everything you got! Who are they going to find who is half as good as you?! No one! They need you!
:'''Kim:''' It's already done.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Ugh!'' ''[pause]'' Okay, what's done can be undone. All I'm saying is just—just let's take a week or two to think it over. For now, we're gonna take some time off. God knows we need it. We're gonna to find a new place, we're—we're gonna leave here. We're never, ever gonna come back here again. Okay? We're gonna—we're gonna put it behind us! Things will look brighter! I guarantee it! But first we have to fix this. So we're gonna go back to the hotel room, and you're gonna write letters. You're gonna write a letter to the bar, you're gonna write letters to your clients. You—you—you dictate, I will type. We're gonna roll this thing back. I'll order a pizza, we'll pull an all-nighter. Because we're in this together. Okay? So I'm gonna go get your—your printer, and then we're gonna get the hell out of here.
:''[Jimmy turns to head into the bedroom]''
:'''Kim:''' Wait— Jimmy. Jimmy!
:''[Jimmy enters the bedroom to discover half-full boxes and luggage everywhere]''
:'''Kim:''' You asked if you were bad for me. That's not it. We are bad for each other. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Kim. Don't do this. Kim, please.
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy... ''[holding back tears]'' ...I have had the time of my life with you. But we are bad for everyone around us. Other people suffer because of us. Apart we're okay, but together we're poison. 
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[shakes his head]'' No, no. Just tell me what I need to do to change, okay? Just tell me what it is, and I'll do it. 
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy...
:'''Jimmy:''' No, Kim. You make me happy. We make each other happy. How can that be bad? Hey... I love you.
:'''Kim:''' I love you, too. ''[voice breaking]'' But so what? 
:'''Jimmy:''' No. No. No, Kim, you're wrong! ''This is about '''Howard!''''' Okay?! What happened to him wasn't on us! It wasn't your fault! It wasn't ''my'' fault! It was that ''fucking Lalo Salamanca!'' That psychopath came back from the dead and he walked through that door! He did this! Not us, ''him!'' 
:'''Kim:''' I knew.
:'''Jimmy:''' You knew wh-what?
:'''Kim:''' I knew he was alive.
:'''Jimmy:''' No, you didn't.
:'''Kim:''' It was about a month ago. I saw that car following me again. And it turned out that Mike Ehrmantraut had guys watching both of us, watching for Lalo. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Mike... Mike told you that Lalo was alive? ''[Kim nods]'' And you didn't tell me?
:'''Kim:''' ''[pause]'' Jimmy... I thought... I thought it was a one-in-a-million chance that he'd come for us. I thought he would be caught if he did. And I told myself I was protecting you. But that's not the truth. The reason I didn't tell you was because I knew what you'd do.
:'''Jimmy:''' Wh-what would I do?
:'''Kim:''' You'd—you'd blame yourself. You'd fear for me. You'd want us to run and hide until you were sure I was safe. You would pull the plug on the scam, and then... ''[pause]'' ...and then, we'd break up. And I didn't want that. Because I was having too much ''fun''.
:''[Kim breaks down crying and returns to the bedroom to pack; Jimmy stands in the living room in silence]''

=== ''Nippy'' [6.10] ===
:''[Jeff runs around a maze in the outline of a mall. Jimmy, on a loudspeaker, shouts directions to him:]''
:'''Jimmy:''' Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! HALT!
:''[Jeff stops, breathing heavily.]''
:'''Jeff:''' What?!
:'''Jimmy:''' That's too many, you gotta be precise! Just three of each.
:'''Jeff:''' Why? And why do I gotta run around like an asshole?
:'''Jimmy:''' I already told you! Three minutes, got it? That's our window!
:'''Jeff:''' Yeah, but why three minutes?
:'''Jimmy:''' Because at three minutes, that's when security sees you on the cameras and the cops haul your ass to jail, alright? So let's go.
:'''Jeff:''' Wait, there's cameras?
:'''Jimmy:''' Sure there's cameras! They erase the tapes every seventy-two hour, so that's why you only take three of each, and only the pricey stuff. When the store opens the next morning, they won't even know they were robbed. By the time they do inventory, abra cadabra, no more Jeffy on the tape! Right, so, three items, three minutes... It's easy. Let's go.
:''[Jeff walks back to the start of the maze.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' How many of each?
:'''Jeff:''' Three...
:'''Jimmy:''' Pigs get fat, hogs get slaughtered!
:'''Jeff:''' I don't know...
:'''Jimmy:''' What don't you know?
:'''Jeff:''' Just, this whole thing, it seems crazy!
:'''Jimmy:''' Is this too hot for you?! Ju— You know what, just say so! You know what? Screw it. &quot;Crazy?&quot; I'll tell you what's crazy! [[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad) | Fifty-year-old high school chemistry teacher]] [[w:Breaking Bad | comes into my office. The guy is so broke, he can't pay his own mortgage. One year later, he's got a pile of cash as big as a Volkswagen.]] ''That's'' crazy.
:'''Jeff's Friend:''' I'll do it.
:'''Jeff:''' This sounds good to you?
:'''Jeff's Friend:''' I think it'll work. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Well, look at you! Hey, you're young. You're probably, uh... Fast in the feet, huh?
:'''Jeff:''' O-Okay, I didn't say I wouldn't do it! I just... Had some questions about, like... Logistics.
:'''Jimmy:''' Are you in or out?
:'''Jeff:''' In.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[sighs]'' Okay, back to one. ''[He speaks into the loudspeaker as Jeff sets himself up.]'' Check, test, one-two, one-two.  Okay! And ready, set, action!
:''[Jeff begins running.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' Move, move, move! Pick up the pace! Go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! Let's go, let's go, let's go!

=== [6.11] ===

=== [6.12] ===

=== [6.13] ===

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Better Call Saul seasons]]
[[Category:Split television seasons]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3147967</id>
      <parentid>3147911</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T01:48:55Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>DemonDrake</username>
        <id>3100809</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Nippy [6.10] */</comment>
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----
:'''Season''' [[Better Call Saul (season 1)|1]] [[Better Call Saul (season 2)|2]] [[Better Call Saul (season 3)|3]] [[Better Call Saul (season 4)|4]] [[Better Call Saul (season 5)|5]] [[Better Call Saul (season 6)|6]] | [[Better Call Saul|'''Main''']]
----

The following is a list of quotes from the sixth season of ''[[Better Call Saul]]''.

=== ''[[w:Wine and Roses|Wine and Roses]]'' [6.01] ===
:''[Mike, Gus, and Tyrus gather in the office trailer at the Los Pollos Hermanos chicken farm to discuss the aftermath of the attempted hit on Lalo Salamanca.]''
:'''Gus:''' Tell me again about the ''sicario'' who made the final report.
:'''Tyrus:''' He was already wounded when he talked to our cutout. Federales found him dead at the scene. But they got Salamanca.
:'''Gus:''' The mercenaries are dead. To a man. And yet their mission was a success?
:'''Mike:''' It has been known to happen. Now you go down there and get Varga, bring him home safe. There's ways to do it on the quiet. 
:''[Long pause; Gus and Tyrus both stare at him.]''
:'''Mike:''' ''[scoffs]'' ...Unless you already have something in the works.
:''[Tyrus turns and exits the trailer. Mike and Gus speak alone.]''
:'''Gus:''' Speak your mind.
:'''Mike:''' Loyalty goes both ways. Varga's done everything you asked him. 
:'''Gus:''' He wasn't given a choice.
:'''Mike:''' Maybe so, but he played a tough game. And he played it on the square. 
:'''Gus:''' ...And?
:'''Mike:''' When all is said and done, the kid deserves your respect.
:'''Gus:''' He has it. Is there more you wish to say?
:''[After a long pause, Mike exits the trailer.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim have dinner at a diner; conversation turns to the Ford Taurus that Jimmy has rented.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' I rented us a car. It's the Ford.
:'''Kim:''' So Saul Goodman drives a brown Ford Taurus?
:'''Jimmy:''' Detroit calls that taupe, I believe.
:'''Kim:''' Don't you think Saul Goodman would drive something with a little more... flair?
:'''Jimmy:''' Such as?
:'''Kim:''' I don't know. Definitely American-made. Something showy. And Saul Goodman has an office. Something eye-catching. Good location.
:'''Jimmy:''' By the courthouse?
:'''Kim:''' Yeah. A cathedral of justice.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Ooooh'', a cathedral of justice. Okay, yeah.
:'''Kim:''' We should start looking for something for you. I mean, for Saul.
:'''Jimmy:''' Sold. When do we start?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At the courthouse, Jimmy is confronted by the district attorney who prosecuted Lalo during his bail hearing]''
:'''ADA Khalil''': I've been calling you for two days.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, my girl's out sick. What can I do you for?
:'''ADA Khalil''': Tomorrow morning, 10 A.M.
:'''Jimmy''': Brunch? But just you and me, right? ''[points at Detective Roberts]'' I mean, won't the big fella here feel like a third wheel?
:'''ADA Khalil''': You and I are meeting Parson in chambers. I am asking for an emergency hearing to alter the terms of De Guzman's release.
:'''Jimmy''': Sounds like a blast. Unfortunately, I'm booked solid. 
:'''Detective Roberts''': I checked your client's place of residence. The address he gave, it's a Dairy Queen in Altamonte. The family that showed at the bail hearing can't be located. No driver's license, no tax rolls, no school records. Nothing. The fact is, there isn't a single Elizabeth McKinnon under the age of 73 living in New Mexico.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, this is–this is surprising.
:'''ADA Khalil''': Your client has disappeared, and I'm not waiting six weeks to start looking for him.
:'''Jimmy''': Hey, my guy put up seven million in bail. You think he's just gonna walk away from that?
:'''Detective Roberts''': Who comes up with seven million bucks in cash?
:'''ADA Khalil''': You know what I think? I think the family was fake. ''[to Jimmy]'' And I think you knew it the whole time.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, hold up. Just get real for a second. The hearing didn't go your way, and now you're trying for a do-over? You say my guy ran, I say he's got seven million reasons for showing up when he's legally required to do so. So, no, I won't be... uh, due process window dressing at any crash meeting with Parson. And if you try throwing any of this crap around in front of the judge without my presence, here's an accusation: Prosecutorial misconduct. ''Career-ending'' prosecutorial misconduct!
:'''Detective Roberts''': None of that changes the fact the guy's not who he said he was.
:'''Jimmy''': No, no, no! Hold on! You guys got caught with your pants around your ankles, and somehow that's on me?! I don't think so! ''[points at ADA Khalil]''  You got two dozen lawyers up there! You got investigators—you got the whole damn police force—and it's ''my'' fault that you can't keep track of Lalo?! ''That is '''not''' my job!''
:'''ADA Khalil''': Lalo? Who's Lalo?
:'''Jimmy''': What?! ''[blinks hard]'' What did I say... I meant De Guzman. I have more than one client! ''[chuckles]'' So... ''[clears throat]'' I will see you at the preliminary in six weeks as scheduled. Until then, I have clients who need me.
:''[Jimmy walks into an empty courtroom and sits down while contemplating his slip-up]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy takes a guided tour of the country club where Howard and Cliff are members, meeting with a tour guide named Norm in the main lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Hi, Norm Wakely. I understand you're in the market for a tour.
:'''Jimmy:''' That's right. Saul Goodman.
:'''Norm:''' Great to meet you, Mr. Goodman. 
:'''Jimmy:''' No please, call me Saul.
:'''Norm:''' Great. So Saul, can I get you anything before we get started? The coffee here is just unbeatable. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh, well, I'm fine. I'm fully caffeinated. 
:''[Kevin Wachtell walks into the room and becomes upset upon seeing Jimmy in the lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Well Saul, you and I are standing on hallowed ground. Five presidents have played on our course, starting with Dwight D. Eisenhower. But the story goes back even further than that–
:'''Kevin:''' ''Norm.''
:''[Jimmy and Norm turn toward Kevin.]''
:'''Kevin:''' Can I have a sec, please?
:'''Jimmy:''' Kevin, hey. How's it going?
:'''Norm:''' Uh, I'm sorry. I'm sure this will just be a moment.
:''[Norm goes over to Kevin and talks to him for a few moments, clearly being instructed to remove Jimmy from the premises.]''
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman. I'm so sorry, but I've just been reminded that in fact we have a two-year waiting list.
:'''Jimmy:''' Two years, wow. Maybe I could go on the tour anyway. I mean, 'cause I'm here. Just in case.
:'''Norm:''' Well unfortunately, we've suspended tours for the moment.
:'''Jimmy:''' You're not even giving tours?
:'''Norm:''' I apologize for the inconvenience. We–we'll be happy to call you if the situation changes. You left your number?
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh-huh.
:'''Norm:''' Well, we'll be in touch. If the situation changes. Again, I–I am sorry for your time and trouble. We just– ''[sighs]'' We had a few crosswires.
:'''Jimmy:''' Well... okay then.
:'''Norm:''' Thank you.
:''[Jimmy is about the leave the lounge, but impulsively stops, turns around, and approaches Norm again.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Norm:''' Oh, yes.
:'''Jimmy:''' Um, just so I understand: you were going to give me a tour and then realized you don't need new members?
:'''Norm:''' We have a waiting list.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, but you're the membership director... 
:'''Norm:''' I know.
:'''Jimmy:''' ...so you would have known that before. It doesn't really add up. I mean, I came in and everyone was rolling out the red carpet, and then all of a sudden something changed. I don't–
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman, I–
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Goodman.'' The name. The second you heard it, everything turned on a dime. Wow. Waiting list? I think you're talking about an ''exclusion'' list. It's okay, I should have known. Because, I mean, look! ''[raises his voice and walks to the middle of the lounge, where everyone can see him]'' It's wall-to-wall mayonnaise in here! So listen, if you're going to be restrictive, have the courage to say so!
:'''Norm:''' There's no question–
:'''Jimmy:''' There it is, folks! Anti-Semitism, alive and well right here in Albuquerque!
:'''Norm:''' Sir! We have many Jewish members!
:'''Jimmy:''' Oh good. Well, you met your quota then. Gold star for you.
:''[Kevin, flanked by two of his golf buddies, interjects.]''
:'''Kevin:''' Hold on. That's gotta be the biggest load of horse crap I've ever heard in my life. Go crawl back in your hole, McGill or Goodman – whatever you're calling yourself. What are you up to, anyway? Ginning up another one of your put-up job lawsuits? You two-faced, blackmailing, money-grubbing son of a bitch–
:'''Jimmy:''' Money-grubbing! You're saying the quiet part out loud, I think.
:'''Norm:''' Gentlemen, can we just keep the volume down?
:'''Kevin:''' You know damn well that's not what I meant!
:'''Jimmy:''' In this day and age, I'd hoped and prayed we'd be beyond this.
:'''Kevin:''' You're about as Jewish as my Aunt Fannie!
:'''Jimmy:''' Five-thousand years and it never ends!
:''[Kevin tries to take a swing at Jimmy, but is held back by his golf buddies.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Here it is! Violence! It always comes to this!''
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Wachtell, please!
:'''Kevin's Buddy:''' Come on, Kev.
:'''Kevin:''' ''[to Jimmy]'' You go to hell, you lying sack of shit.
:''[Kevin and his golf buddies leave the lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Sir. Mr. Goodman, I don't know what to say. That is not–
:'''Jimmy:''' I wouldn't be a member here. I wouldn't walk through those doors again after what happened to me here today. ''[feigns tears]'' Do you at least have a bathroom that I could use, seeing as how my– Stress like that is hell on my diverticulitis. 
:'''Norm:''' The men's locker room is the closest. It's straight through there.
:'''Jimmy:''' And I would be allowed to go in there?
:'''Norm:''' Yes, of course.
:'''Jimmy:''' I want you to know I don't blame you personally. I know you were just following orders. ''[to everyone in the lounge]'' It's okay, folks! I'm leaving! All is well!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo is preparing to be smuggled across the border with a group of undocumented immigrants when he decides to call the Casa Tranquila Nursing Home and speak to Hector. A nurse holds a phone up to Hector's ear in the common room. Hector uses his bell to communicate.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle, can you hear me? Do you know my voice?
:''[Hector visibly recognizes Lalo's voice.]''
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings bell twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' They told you about the attack, didn't they?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Let them keep believing I'm dead. So much the better. It was the chicken man. That coward sat up there in the north while his paramilitaries came into my home. My home, Uncle! Screw Bolsa, screw Eladio. I'm coming north. I'm going to hurt him. Hurt him like you taught me. And then I will kill him. 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings repeatedly in agreement]''
:'''Lalo:''' What is it?
:''[The nurse takes the phone from Hector.]''
:'''Nurse:''' Hector? ''[to Lalo]'' Excuse me. I'm so sorry, but Hector seems a little upset.
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. Um, I'm just– I'm sharing a bit of family news, some good, some bad. Would you mind putting him back on? It will only be a minute.
:'''Nurse:''' Of course.
:''[The nurse again holds the phone to Hector's ear.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' What is it? Do you have another idea? 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' Okay, let's see. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, Ñ, O, P–
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' P? That's right?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Okay. What's next? A, B, C, D...
:''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings twice.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ...L, M, N, Ñ...
:''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings once.]''
:'''Lalo:''' U? ''Prueba?'' 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Is that what you're saying? Proof?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' Uncle, I don't have any proof. For months I was in the north watching him, following his men. There was nothing.
:''[Lalo has a flash of realization.]''
:'''Lalo:''' Wait... There is proof. I know where to find it. Goodbye, Uncle. You will see me soon.

=== ''[[w:Carrot and Stick|Carrot and Stick]]'' [6.02] ===
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;I was a hard worker. I was a company man. Twenty years, and I didn't miss a single day. They even gave me a plaque for it. ''[sighs]'' It was a gold plaque. Perfect attendance... But when they handed it to me, I wrenched my back. I was in so much pain, I couldn't do my job... ''[sighs again]'' which meant I couldn't put food on the table. I didn't want to sue... but with a family to support, what choice did I have?&quot;
:'''Kim''': Wait, who are you supposed to be again?
:'''Jimmy''': Whatever. The backstory is just a placeholder. I'm gonna polish the script once we cast.
:'''Kim''': But a personal injury suit? Best case scenario, that gets him in with an associate.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[throws hands up]'' Mesothelioma. ''[clears his throat]'' &quot;When I took that job down at the shoe factory, I had no idea I was risking my life. Now, I can't stop coughin'!&quot; Right? Come on! Hey, a mesothelioma class-action built Clifford Main his vacation house. He hears &quot;mesothelioma,&quot; his eyes pop!
:'''Kim''': Well, sure. But then he takes the case. What happens when he asks for a medical evaluation? And how does Howard come up?
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, ask me why I'm here.
:'''Kim''': What brings you to Davis &amp; Main today?
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;I'm sick. I'm really sick...&quot;
:'''Kim''': Good.
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;...and it's not mesothelioma, but it's not good. And I need a lawyer, and the pickings are slim. I already went to HHM. I met with their top guy, Howard Hamlin, and uh... Uhhh, I–I got a brother-in-law and he's got a pretty nasty coke habit, very similar energy. Just put me off. Anyway, I need a lawyer, blah-blah-blah.&quot;
:'''Kim''': Okay, but you got a bad feeling from just one meeting?
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, I had the brother-in-law with the coke.
:'''Kim''': Yeah, but you were only in the room with him once.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, so it's gotta be something with a history with Howard.
:'''Kim''': Yeah.
:'''Jimmy''': But Cliff has to want to take the meeting, but not the case.
:'''Kim''': Right. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[sighs]'' It's gotta be good, but not too good.
:'''Kim''': Exactly. There's a sweet spot, you know. Like a magnet. We–we pull Cliff in, and then repel him. ''[beat]'' Oh!
:'''Jimmy''': What?
:'''Kim''': ''[sighs]'' You are going to ''hate'' this...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy tracks down the Kettlemans to their shady tax preparation office and tries to rope them into his and Kim's plan to ruin Howard]'' 
:'''Betsy''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've got some nerve coming here after what you did! ''[shoves Jimmy]'' ''Leave!'' Because of you, we lost ''everything!'' Our kids are in public school! So why don't you go crawl back under whatever slime-covered rock you came from and leave us the heck alone?! 
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, I sense some anger here, but that's–that's perfectly understandable. Since you brought it up, I came here today because I was curious if you two wanted your lives back. There's actually a legal term for it: Exoneration. 
:'''Craig''': Oh. You know, we actually did look into that.
:'''Betsy''': Yep.
:'''Craig''': We went to a number of lawyers, and—
:'''Betsy''': ''Real'' lawyers.
:'''Craig''': Yes. They were all terrific, but they said that it was impossible.
:'''Betsy''': ''Mm-hmm''.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, but those lawyers don't know what I know.
:'''Craig''': What's that?
:'''Betsy''': No, Craig. He's got an angle.
:'''Jimmy''': I ''do'' have an angle, Craig. It's an angle called justice. ''[Betsy scoffs and snickers]'' Let me put it this way: I think that within Craig's case, I have found the grounds for a civil suit. A big one. ''[pause; quietly]'' Big. 
:'''Betsy''': ''[long pause; looks at Craig]'' Okay, then. Let's hear it.
:'''Jimmy''': Let's hold your horses, because we've been down this road before. [[w:Uno (Better Call Saul)|And the last time I gave you two advice, you went straight to the competition with it.]] ''[pulls out a piece of paper from inside his suit]'' So, I just need some assurances that all my hard work isn't gonna end up in the hands of, uh, Clifford Main or some other asshole at some pretentious high-pay, white-shoe law firm. So before we talk turkey, letters of engagement. 
:'''Craig''': Yes.
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, you remember these. I made some updates, just closed a few loopholes and whatnot. So... ''[holds out paper and pen]''
:'''Betsy''': ''[stops Craig from taking the pen]'' We're not signing anything.
:'''Jimmy''': You have to sign if you want to know what I know. 
:'''Betsy''': ''We're not signing.''
:'''Jimmy''': Really? You're sure?
:'''Betsy''': Yep.
:'''Jimmy''': Craig?
:'''Craig''': ''[looks at Betsy before shaking his head]'' Thanks anyway.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[unclicks pen]'' Alright. Well, uh... Sorry we couldn't work something out.
:'''Betsy''': I'm sure you are.
:''[Jimmy overhears Betsy and Craig arguing as he walks around the trailer. He balls the pen in his fist]''
:'''Craig''': Mr. Goodman!
:'''Jimmy''': ''[smiles; clicks pen and takes out letter]'' Best decision you've ever made. ''[turns his back to Craig for him to sign the letter]'' Here you go.
:'''Betsy''': ''[after Craig signs the letter]'' So what do you know?
:'''Jimmy''': You got one, too, Betsy. ''[holds out another letter]''
:''[Betsy snatches the pen and paper from Jimmy and signs the letter while pressing the pen hard on Jimmy's back]'' 
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, come on. That's not... ''Ow''. All right. Well, we're officially in business. Now, I have it on good authority here that Craig was not given proper counsel. 
:'''Betsy''': We already knew that.
:'''Jimmy''': But did you ask yourselves why?
:'''Craig''': No. Why?
:'''Jimmy''': What if I told you that in your hour of need, the person who was supposed to be on your side was impaired?
:'''Craig''': Impaired?
:'''Jimmy''': It's a... a person of substance. ''[as Betsy and Craig talk to each other quietly]'' Substance in question being a certain illegal white powder.
:'''Betsy''': That awful woman with the ponytail is a cocaine addict.
:'''Jimmy''': No, not Kim Wexler! No! Craig's lead attorney, Howard Hamlin! 
:'''Craig''': Oh. I thought he was so... professional and energetic. Upbeat. 
:'''Betsy''': Oh...
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;Oh,&quot; is right.
:'''Craig''': So upbeat is bad?
:'''Jimmy''': In this case, it's textbook malpractice. The magic phrase is, &quot;ineffective assistance of counsel.&quot; If your guy wasn't nose deep in the devil's dandruff, well, Craig's case would've turned out completely different.
:'''Craig''': Oh, my God! 
:'''Betsy''': Don't we need some kind of proof?
:'''Jimmy''': All the dirty laundry comes out in discovery. It’s just trips to rehab, secret drug deals. All we gotta do is get the ball rolling. So, I say we get started on your affidavits. 
:'''Craig''': Yes.
:'''Betsy''': About that. We happen to know a thing or two about our rights, Mr. McGill. And it doesn’t matter what you force us to sign. We don’t have to work with any lawyer we don’t want. ''[gets in Jimmy's face]'' And that means... you’re fired. 
:'''Jimmy''': I am not fired.
:'''Betsy''': Oh yes, you are!
:'''Jimmy''': No! No!
:'''Craig''': He’s fired?
:'''Betsy''': Craig! 
:'''Jimmy''': No, you can’t fire me! I found this case, it’s mine! Hey, you wanna hear about rights?! The second you say where you got this information from, guess who automatically gets a cut?! ''Me! So go ahead! Go ahead, see what happens!''
:''[Jimmy pretends to be upset after the Kettlemans leave, but slowly starts smiling as he walks away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gus and Juan Bolsa visit Hector at Casa Tranquila to send their condolences, still believing that Lalo is dead. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Bolsa''': He wishes to make amends. At least hear him out.
:'''Gus''': Don Hector. It's no secret that I did not see eye to eye with your nephew. And while the friction between your family and myself did not start with him, today I am reminded we are all Eladio's men. No matter our disagreements, a strike against one is a strike against all. I hope you will accept my condolences and my support as you navigate this terrible loss.
:'''Bolsa''': Gustavo speaks the truth. In this matter, he and I both stand shoulder to shoulder behind the Salamanca family. We are still looking for the traitor, Ignacio Varga. ''[places hand on Hector's shoulder]'' We will find him. And then your family will have justice.
:''[Hector slowly reaches his hand out to Gus. As Gus holds his hand, he notices a change of expression on Hector's face and stares at him. Cut to outside the nursing home.]'' 
:'''Bolsa''': ''[to Gus in English]'' We'll be in touch.
:''[Gus calls Mike on his cell phone after Bolsa drives away]''
:'''Mike''': What did you learn?
:'''Gus''': Lalo Salamanca lives.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy gets a call from Betsy Kettleman after she finds out there was no case against Howard]''
:'''Jimmy''': Saul Goodman, speedy justice for you. Oh, wait! Okay, just take a breath, and then we can... Okay, okay. I can tell you're upset. Just... I–I never advised that. No. ''[sighs]'' No, I did not, so let's agree to disagree. ''[pause]'' Okay, I think you're going to want to meet in person before you do anything rash. So how about–how about we meet up, and we can hash this out. ''[pause]'' Yeah, sure! Tomorrow, first thing. Uh, 9 A.M, I can come to your office. That work? ...Okay, okay! Good! ''[hangs up]'' 
:'''Kim''': I'm surprised it took them this long. You, uh... You're gonna use the stick, right? 
:'''Jimmy''': The stick? Well, it's a big stick. But I know these people, they're more carrot types. Especially her. ''[takes out cash and puts the bills in his suit pocket]'' Spoonful of sugar, you know?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' I think maybe I'll come, too.
:'''Jimmy''': Tomorrow? Really?
:'''Kim''': Sure. I have time.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tyrus''': They found the truck, but no sign of Varga. Salamancas have all eyes looking for him, including the federales. Still not picking up his cell, so nobody got a lock on it. Now as for Lalo, still missing. As far as everybody in the cartel is concerned, top to bottom, Lalo is dead.
:'''Mike''': May I offer a thought? ''[pause; to Gus]'' If Salamanca was coming straight for you, he'd be here already. We've got guys watching anywhere he might turn up this side of Mexico. Wire taps on any phone he might call. There is not a whiff of him. Now, my guess is he's smart enough to know it's not in the Salamanca family interest to take you out without a reason the bosses can get behind. So, the odds are he's searching for Varga. Finds him alive, gets him to talk. ''[pause; Gus remains silent]'' Varga's alone in foreign territory, no one he can trust. The kid's smart, but he's not gonna last. ''[Gus stands up]'' He's gonna get caught.
:''[Gus accidentally knocks a glass over and kneels down to pick up the shards from the floor]''
:'''Gus''': Continue.
:'''Mike''': The best way to handle this: I take four of our best guys, cross the border and track Varga down. Let me find him, bring him back before the Salamancas sweep him up. It's our only play.
:''[After cleaning up the broken glass, Gus throws it away and looks out a nearby window]''
:'''Gus''': ''[beat; in Spanish]'' Varga's father. Bring him here.
:'''Mike''': No. You're not doing that. ''[locks the door after Tyrus gets his gun out]'' You don't understand. That's not happening. 
:'''Tyrus''': ''[walks up to Mike and aims gun at him]'' Just say the word.
:'''Mike''': Whatever happens next... it's not gonna go down the way you think it is.
:''[Mike stares at Tyrus, who cocks his gun and waits for Mike to make a move.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[beat; hears cell phone vibrating]'' It's him.
:'''Tyrus''': Bullshit. I've been calling Varga for hours. He hasn't picked up once. 
:'''Mike''': He's been trying to get me since he left the Salamancas. ''[opens phone]'' You want me to answer it?
:''[Tyrus turns to Gus, who nods. Mike answers the phone and speaks to Nacho]''
:'''Mike''': Yeah. ''[pause]'' Yeah. ...Not my call. ''[pause]'' That's up to you. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Betsy:''' You used us &amp;ndash; us and our good name &amp;ndash; to character-assassinate Howard Hamlin. Somehow, some way, it benefits you to tear him down.
:'''Craig:''' Yeah. And we're&amp;ndash;we're mad.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, yeah. I'm hearing a lot of unfounded accusations being tossed around. I don't know anything about schemes or character assassination or whatnot, but... ''[clears throat]'' if you're feeling slighted, we can make it right. ''[Jimmy hands Betsy a bundle of cash]''
:'''Betsy:''' Money? ''[scoffs]'' Money's not gonna take care of this.
:'''Jimmy:''' Money takes care of everything. Isn't that the motto stitched onto the Kettleman family crest?
:'''Betsy:''' We don't want money. 
:'''Jimmy:''' I am non-plussed. I'm guessing you want something.
:'''Betsy:''' Do what you promised.
:'''Jimmy:''' Do what I what?
:'''Betsy:''' Exonerate Craig. Get his good name back. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright. Well, as you've been advised, for a number of reasons that's not gonna happen.
:'''Betsy:''' It ''is'' gonna happen. It is. It's... You're just gonna have to figure out a way.
:'''Craig:''' If anyone can do this, it's you.
:'''Betsy:''' I know you don't want us going to Howard Hamlin. Because whatever it is you're up to, I'm sure he would be ''very'' interested.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, let's just go easy on the threats.
:'''Betsy:''' We want our lives back! The way they were before. ''Before.'' We lost everything! And we don't deserve any of this.
:'''Kim:''' Okay. Enough carrot. ''[clears throat]''
:''[Kim turns to the home phone next to her and begins to dial]''
:'''Craig:''' Dial 9 to get out.
:'''Kim:''' Oh, thank you.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering; to Craig]'' We didn't give her permission to use the phone.
:'''Craig:''' ''[whispering; to Betsy]'' She needs to use the phone.
:'''Jimmy:''' Kim... ?
:''[The line connects; Kim speaks through the phone's speaker]''
:'''Receptionist:''' Internal Revenue Service, Albuquerque.
:'''Kim:''' Hi. Could you put me through to Justin Stangel in Criminal Investigations? 
:'''Receptionist:''' One moment, please.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[to Kim]'' What are you doing? Excuse me!
:'''Justin:''' This is Justin.
:'''Kim:''' Justin, Kim Wexler. How are you?
:'''Justin:''' Hey, Kim. Good to hear from you.
:'''Kim:''' How are Noreen and the boys?
:'''Justin:''' Oh, hanging in. Noreen always talks about having you by for dinner some time.
:'''Kim:''' We should do that. Tell her to call me. Listen, I was wondering who your CID officer is these days.
:'''Justin:''' You have something for us?
:'''Kim:''' Oh, I just might: Tax preparer fraud. A lot of it.
:'''Justin:''' I'm listening.
:'''Kim:''' Well, it's this, uh, run-down little mom-and-pop outfit I've had my eye on for a while. ''[chuckles]'' Don't ask me why. Clearly, I need to get a life. But from what I can glean, their clients always end up with smaller refunds than they deserve.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering]'' Please don't do this.
:'''Justin:''' Do the clients sign over third-party authorization?
:'''Kim:''' Bingo. So what I'm thinking is, these creeps file legit returns with you guys, give the clients fake ones that show about half the proper amount, and then pocket the difference. 
:'''Justin:''' Classic scam. Well, I know just the guy to go after these dirtbags. Tony Oropallo. Real bulldog. I'll transfer you over.
:'''Kim:''' Such a big help, Justin.
:'''Justin:''' You got it. Talk soon.
:'''Betsy:''' You don't have to do this.
:'''Kim:''' ''[to Betsy]'' Don't I? Betsy... You'll probably get twenty-four months, maybe eighteen with good behavior. But Craig? You are a two-time loser. They will definitely make an example out of you. Each false return they discover will be a separate felony. What are we talking? A hundred?
:'''Betsy:''' Uh...
:'''Kim:''' Two-hundred? 
:'''Tony:''' ''[beat]'' CID, Anthony Oropallo speaking.
:''[Betsy runs to the phone and slams down the receiver to end the call]''
:'''Betsy:''' Please. We'll do anything. Just tell us.
:'''Kim:''' ''[beat]'' Why would I believe ''you?'' Huh?
:'''Craig:''' Please. 
:'''Kim:''' ''[long pause]'' First. First, you contact every person you've ripped off. Tell them you made an accounting error, tell them you're crooks who had a change of heart, I don't care. Give them what they are legally owed. Everything you stole. And then after that, you're going to forget you ever heard the name Howard Hamlin. I'm keeping my eye on both of you. You think you've lost everything? ''You have no idea.''
:''[Kim leaves the room with Jimmy while the Kettlemans stand shellshocked, on the verge of tears]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy:''' [[w:Inflatable (Better Call Saul)|Wolves and sheep]].
:'''Kim:''' Huh?
:'''Jimmy:''' ...Nothing.

=== ''[[w:Rock and Hard Place|Rock and Hard Place]]'' [6.03] ===
:''[Nacho calls his father from an auto shop while on the run]''
:'''Manuel''': A-to-Z Fine Upholstery. Hello?
:'''Nacho''': Dad. It's me.
:'''Manuel''': Nacho?
:'''Nacho''': ''Si'', Papa. ''Hola''.
:'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' ''Hola, hijo.'' ''[in Spanish]'' How are you?
:'''Nacho''': ''[in Spanish]'' Good, good. Um... just wanted to hear your voice.
:'''Manuel''': Nacho, where are you? You sound strange.
:''[pause]''
:'''Nacho''': It's not important.... I was just checking in, that's all.
:'''Manuel''': Okay. ''Hijo'', I have lots of work to do. We've been through this, so many times. You know what you have to do... go to the police.
:'''Nacho''': Yes, Papa. I understand... I hear you.
:''[pause]''
:'''Manuel''': What else is there to say? Hmm? Goodbye, ''hijo''.
:'''Nacho''': ''[choked up]'' Goodbye, Papa.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Nacho calls Mike at an auto repair shop in Mexico while on the run from the Salamancas]''
:'''Mike''': Yeah.
:'''Nacho''': It's me.
:'''Mike''': Yeah.
:'''Nacho''': You knew. You knew that I was going to Mexico to die, that I was never supposed to make it out of that motel. And you let it happen.
:'''Mike''': Not my call.
:'''Nacho''': What happens now?
:'''Mike''': That's up to you. 
:'''Nacho''': Is that bastard with you? Put him on.
:'''Mike''': Hmm. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you.
:'''Gus''': ''[takes cell phone from Mike; to Nacho]'' Yes.
:'''Nacho''': You are screwed. ''[pause]'' You want the cartel to blame me for Lalo. But if they catch me, and make me talk? ''Ooh...'' That is not good for you, is it? Even if I disappear, everyone's gonna smell your stink all over it. The only way that this works for you is with me dead. ''[beat]'' Alright. Whatever bullshit way you want the story to go, I will make it go. But... I need one thing. 
:'''Gus''': Yes?
:'''Nacho''': My dad. I need to know that he will be safe.
:'''Gus''': If you are true to your word, there will be no reason for anyone to harm your father.
:'''Nacho''': ''You'' are not the one that I need to hear it from.
:''[Gus puts the phone on speaker so Mike can speak to Nacho]''
:'''Mike''': Your dad's gonna be okay.
:'''Nacho''': How do you know?
:'''Mike''': Because anyone who goes after him is gonna have to come through me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Huell sit in a car; Jimmy pays Huell for duplicating the keys to Howard's Jaguar]''
:'''Huell:''' Can I ask you sum'n?
:'''Jimmy:''' Sure, go ahead.
:'''Huell:''' Personal, kind of.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay. What?
:'''Huell:''' You're a lawyer. You make good money, right?
:'''Jimmy:''' Good days and bad, but yeah.
:'''Huell:''' Legit money, on the level.
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah, so?
:'''Huell:''' Your wife's a lawyer. A legit lawyer.
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah.
:'''Huell:''' Why you do all this? 
:'''Jimmy:''' Oh, I got you. I&amp;ndash;I know from the outside that this looks like just another scam, but you're not seeing the bigger picture. Couple months from now, there are people whose lives are gonna be way better. Because of this. We're making a real difference. Trust me. We're doing the Lord's work here. 
:'''Huell:''' ''Hmph''. If you say so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': What's going on?
:'''Kim''': I have news, Jimmy. Lalo is dead.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[exhales deeply]'' Holy shit. 
:'''Kim''': The DA's office put it together that Lalo was calling himself De Guzman. They are pretty upset they let him go.
:'''Jimmy''': I'll bet they are.
:'''Kim''': Ericsen seems to think that if Lalo lied to you and you didn't know about the pseudonym, that you could break confidentiality. She wants you to talk. She says it's right.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, what do you think we should do?
:'''Kim''': You... should do whatever you want, Jimmy. They don't have anything on you. It's just a fishing expedition to see if you bite.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' You think I should do it?
:'''Kim''': It depends.  
:'''Jimmy''': On what?
:'''Kim''': Well... ''[sighs]'' I guess it's basically... Do you want to be a friend of the cartel or... do you want to be a rat?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Nacho is driven to a remote location with Gus, Tyrus and Victor. There they meet Juan Bolsa, Hector Salamanca, and the Cousins. Bolsa kneels next to Nacho.]''
:'''Bolsa:''' Today, you are going to die. But there are good deaths, and there are bad deaths. Tell me what I need to know, I'll see that your death is a good one. Who put you up to this?
:''[Nacho glances at Gus, as if he's about to turn on him]''
:'''Bolsa:''' One last chance. ''Who?'' ''[long pause; scoffs and gets up to leave]''
:'''Nacho:''' It was Alvarez. Los Odios, out of Peru. They paid me to set up your nephew. And I did.
:''[Hector furiously rings his bell and attempts to point to Gus, who he knows is the real culprit]''
:'''Bolsa:''' Alvarez, we know. Los Odios, we know. Was anyone else involved?
:'''Nacho:''' ''[scoffs; nods to Gus]'' Him? You think the chicken man? ''Heh.'' What a joke. Alvarez has been paying me for years &amp;ndash; ''years''. ''[to the Salamancas]'' But you know what? I would have done it for free. Because I hate every last one of you psycho sacks of shit. I opened Lalo's gate, and I would do it again. And I'm glad what they did to him. He's a soulless pig, and I wished I'd killed him with my own hands. And you know what else, Hector? I put you in that chair. Oh, yeah. Your heart meds? I switched them for sugar pills. You were dead and buried, and I had to watch ''this'' asshole... ''[gestures to Gus]'' ...bring you back. So when you are sitting in your shitty nursing home and you're sucking down on your Jell-O night after night for the rest of your life, ''you think of '''me,''' you twisted fuck.''

=== ''[[w:Hit and Run (Better Call Saul)|Hit and Run]]'' [6.04] ===
:'''Jimmy:''' What kind of asshole moves a cone?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': So, I pull the Jag into the loading zone. And I start scrappin' with this hunk of metal. It was in deep—like, &quot;down a well&quot; deep—so I just... wrassled it! UGH! ''[Kim laughs hysterically]'' Like a freakin' bear, and I jam it in the dirt in front of the Jag! Boom! Barely made it out of there with the skin of my teeth. ''Who moves cones?'' Who does that?
:'''Kim''': Narcissists.
:'''Jimmy''': Heh, you're damn right. So you think Cliff really bought it, huh?
:'''Kim''': One hundred percent! You should've seen his face. It landed, trust me. God, it was... beautiful. ''[pause]'' Oh, and that is not all. 
:'''Jimmy''': Spill.
:'''Kim''': So... I'm doing the stall. I'm telling Cliff what I'm doing—what I wanna be doing. All I'm thinking is, I gotta stretch this out until you get there, but then... I don't know. I... kinda got caught up in it, and then... Cliff went for it. I mean, like, ''really'' went for it.
:'''Jimmy''': What does that mean? Like, money?
:'''Kim''': I don't think he'll write a check himself, but he knows people. And I think he'll deliver.
:'''Jimmy''': You're kidding! 
:'''Kim''': I know! How great is that?
:'''Jimmy''': This is unbelievable. ''[Kim laughs]'' Are we on a roll, or are we on a roll? Jeez! 
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' You ever feel like you're being followed? ''[pause]'' When I dropped Wendy off at the motel, she thought she was being watched by some undercover cops. But then when I drove away... that same car was behind ''me.'' Right after I spotted them, they disappeared.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, you know what they say: The wicked flee where no man pursueth. 
:'''Kim''': ...You think we're wicked?
:'''Jimmy''': No. What? ''[chuckles]'' It's just a turn of phrase. I think you're wicked hot. ''[pause]'' Alright. Listen to the voice of experience, okay? You know why you're feeling like this? Because we got away with it. It seems too good to be true, but trust me. Nobody is following you. ''[takes Kim's hand]'' No one knows what we're doing except for us. Okay?
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy confronts Bill Oakley at the courthouse when he notices his colleagues' cold treatment of him]''
:'''Jimmy''': What the hell is going on?! How come everyone's treating me like I'm covered in oozing pus sores?
:'''Bill''': I liked you better when you were just a regular bottom feeder. But this?
:'''Jimmy''': This? What is, &quot;this?&quot;
:'''Bill''': I understand advocating for your client. Deep in my heart, I get it. But you scammed the court. You scammed the judge, and for what? To get a murdering cartel psychopath back out on the street? It's just... wrong.
:'''Jimmy''': That's a lot of big talk, Bill. Prove it. Prove it, Bill!
:'''Bill''': There's proving, and then there's knowing. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': They're gone.
:'''Kim''': I'm sorry?
:'''Mike''': The two men that were following you. They're gone.
:'''Kim''': Do I know you?
:'''Mike''': Would you mind sitting for a moment, and I will answer any questions I can. ''[pause; Kim sits down next to Mike]'' I have men watching you and your husband. I'm not with the police, and as far as I know, they're not investigating either of you. I ''do'' know that you've been up to a few things that you probably would rather keep private. I don't care. That's not what this is about. I'm trying to solve a problem of my own. 
:'''Kim''': What problem?
:'''Mike''': Lalo Salamanca.
:'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca's dead. ''[beat; Mike says nothing and stares at Kim]'' He... isn't.
:'''Mike''': We're watching anyone he might contact. That includes you and your husband. Most likely, he'll never reach out. He's got bigger fish to fry. But in the thousand to one chance that he does...
:'''Kim''': And who do you work for?
:'''Mike''': I said I would answer anything I can. 
:'''Kim''': ''[long pause]'' [[w:Bagman (Better Call Saul)|You're the guy from the desert]]. The one who was out there with Jimmy. Why are you telling me this and not him?
:'''Mike''': Because I think you're made of sterner stuff. ''[pause; gets up]'' Alright. Now here's what's best for everyone. You spot my guys again—which I'm hoping you won't—let them go about their business. Just pretend they're not there. And pretty soon, they won't be. You and your husband just... go on living your lives. ''[starts to leave]''
:'''Kim''': I do know you. You worked in the parking booth at the courthouse. ''[pause]'' You were the attendant.
:'''Mike''': ...I was.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kim meets Jimmy at a strip mall where an office space is available for lease]''
:'''Kim''': What are we doing here?
:'''Jimmy''': Take a look. What do you think?
:'''Kim''': About what?
:'''Jimmy''': My new office. Potentially. Come on.
:''[They both peer through the storefront windows of the office, which is empty except for a lone toilet]''
:'''Kim''': Huh.
:'''Jimmy''': Mrs. Nguyen kicked me to the curb.
:'''Kim''': What? Why?
:'''Jimmy''': It's a long story, but upshot is she wants me out of there with extreme prejudice.
:'''Kim''': Wow. Bad day, huh?
:'''Jimmy''': Well, no. It was a... great day. With actual paying clients. The word is out! People were throwing cash retainers at me just to say Saul Goodman is their lawyer.
:'''Kim''': Because of who you represented.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, I mean, that's part of it. But the bottom line is I need a new place for new business pronto. Now, this place is a shithole, but the price is right. And I think I can talk the landlord into a month-to-month. So, it's temporary until I find something better. ''[sighs; pause]'' Hey. What do you think?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' It's small. It's... dirty. And this whole place smells funny. ''[pause]'' But the courthouse is five blocks away. You can't get to MDC without driving past. Parking is good, bail bond row isn't far, and uh... Taco Cabeza is just around the corner. Might be a diamond in the rough. Just promise me... you won't move the toilet.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' There it is. Alright. Uh... speaking of Taco Cabeza.
:'''Kim''': I'm starving. Let's do it.

=== ''[[w:Black and Blue (Better Call Saul)|Black and Blue]]'' [6.05] ===
:''[Cliff informs Howard about witnessing Jimmy throw Wendy out of Howard's car]''
:'''Howard:''' I threw a woman out of my car? In the middle of the street? And I&amp;ndash;''zip''&amp;ndash;I just drive right past you? I... That's what you're saying? I-I-I don't even... I don't know how to respond to that.
:'''Cliff:''' I'm not asking you to respond. I just need you to know that ''I'' know. 
:'''Howard:''' It wasn't me, Cliff. Whoever you think you saw&amp;ndash;
:'''Cliff:''' Yeah, sorry, but that's the kind of thing my son used to say. It was your Jaguar, your &quot;Namaste&quot; plate. It was you! Howard, there's no harm in asking for help. You got a lot of people in your corner.
:'''Howard:''' So there's the-the baggie at the county club.
:'''Cliff:''' Yes.
:'''Howard:''' After that, some clients&amp;ndash;who you can't name because of privilege&amp;ndash;make insinuations. Then on Thursday, you have a business meeting and you witness a Jaguar speeding past. ''[beat]'' Who were you meeting with?
:'''Cliff:''' Not sure why that's germaine, but... Kim Wexler. She came to me for career advice.
:''[Howard's face becomes awash with realization]''
:'''Howard:''' ''Mmm.'' All right. ''[pause]'' Okay. ''[takes out his cell phone]'' Of course. ''[scoffs]'' Of course. ''[to Cliff]'' Cliff, I know this wasn't easy for you. You came to me as a friend. I appreciate it.
:'''Cliff:''' You can start today, Howard.
:'''Howard:''' Oh, I will. Because you're right, I ''do'' have a problem. Just not the problem you think. I have a Jimmy McGill problem.
:'''Cliff:''' Jimmy McGill?!
:'''Howard:''' You'll have to excuse me.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard!
:'''Howard:''' ''[to his secretary on the phone]'' Julie. Cancel my week. Yes, my whole week. 
:'''Cliff:''' Howard!
:''[Howard climbs into his Jaguar and drives away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy walks into a boxing club and sees Howard, who pretended to be a potential client named &quot;Mr. Ward&quot;]''
:'''Howard''': Hello, Jimmy.
:'''Jimmy''': Mr. Ward, I presume. As in... H.O. Ward. That is really cute, Howard. So, wait. That means that you're the guy who shanked some dude in a rumble near Central Pen. ''[sighs]'' That's—that's very street of you. 
:'''Howard''': I thought it sounded like a Saul Goodman kind of case.
:'''Jimmy''': ...Alright, so what are we doing here? 
:'''Howard''': I'm tired, Jimmy. You and me, us. I'm tired of this. Aren't you? It's exhausting. ''[points at boxing ring behind him]'' Let's punch it out.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' Are you kidding?
:'''Howard''': Dead serious. Hoping you might get it out of your system. Do I think it'll work? ''[shrugs]'' I don't know. Call it a Hail Mary. I have the gear, I rented the ring. It's just you and me... ''[points at the man standing behind Jimmy]'' and Macky to ref. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' I am sorry, but have you lost your mind?
:'''Howard''': Actually, I'm as clear-headed as I've ever been in my life. You didn't even try to hide your tracks. The baggie of drugs at the country club, the clients you sent to discredit me, ''another'' prostitute.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, once again as usual, I—
:'''Howard''': Please. I could go on. All roads lead back to you. It's Psych 101. You want to get caught. 
:'''Jimmy''': So what? Is this like pistols at dawn?
:'''Howard''': I'm trying to give you what you want. 
:'''Jimmy''': What I want? I don't... I think this is what ''you'' want. You wanna beat the shit out of me? Legally? 
:'''Howard''': I think you can hold up your end. You must've gotten into a few good scrapes in your old neighborhood. 
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, right. I could've been a contender. 
:'''Howard''': Indulge me. Let's see what we see. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause; smiles]'' Thanks for the laughs. ''[chuckles]'' &quot;Mr. Ward.&quot; 
:''[Jimmy laughs and starts to walk out, but stops. He and Howard are seen suited up with boxing gloves as they begin their fight. They both land a few punches on each other, but Howard eventually knocks Jimmy down]'' 
:'''Howard''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've mistaken my kindness for weakness. I like to think that tonight made a difference. I like to think that this ends it. ''[pause; shakes his head]'' Probably not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': I should've left Howard standing there like a yutz. Instead I let him suck me into his game. Why did I do that?
:'''Kim''': You had your reasons. 
:'''Jimmy''': I did? Like what?
:'''Kim''': Because... you know. 
:'''Jimmy''': I know...?
:'''Kim''': ''[holds Jimmy's hand]'' You know what's coming next.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo has travelled to Germany using an alias, and meets Margarethe, Werner's widow, at a bar]''
:'''Margarethe''': I knew his work was dangerous. I never imagined such a thing, but... I suppose I try not to. 
:'''Lalo''': That is terrible. What kind of accident was it?
:'''Margarethe''': A cave-in.
:'''Lalo''': Cave-in?
:'''Margarethe''': He was able to save his men. He got them out, but then... the structure collapsed.
:'''Lalo''': So your husband was a hero.
:'''Margarethe''': ''[smiles]'' He would never accept that. My Werner was too humble.
:'''Lalo''': ...And what were they building there?
:'''Margarethe''': My husband didn't talk much about his work. It was very secretive. 
:'''Lalo''': Oh... I'm sure he must have told you something. 
:'''Margarethe''': The lawyers came to my house. I asked questions, they wouldn't say much.
:'''Lalo''': ''[shakes his head]'' Lawyers.
:'''Margarethe''': They went through Werner's things. Took anything that they called, uh... Oh, how do you say it? ''[pause]'' Proprietary? I'm sorry, my English is—
:'''Lalo''': Oh, it's excellent. 
:'''Margarethe''': I didn't care about it. All the boxes of folders, his papers. Why do I need all that stuff?
:'''Lalo''': And what about your husband's men? I mean, they must have said something to you.
:'''Margarethe''': Werner loved ''deine jungs''—his boys—but I never even met them. 
:'''Lalo''': What do you mean? Not even at the funeral?
:'''Margarethe''': You'd think they would want to pay respect to the man who saved their lives. They sent flowers, keepsakes, and so on... but not one of them showed his face. 
:'''Lalo''': Wow. That is... ''[sighs]'' It's just not right.

=== ''[[w:Axe and Grind | Axe and Grind]]'' [6.06] ===
:''[Casper, one of Werner's former workers, spots Lalo approaching his home while chopping wood]''
:'''Lalo''': ''Guten tag!''
:'''Casper''': ''Guten tag.'' ''[in German]'' This is private property. Who are you looking for? Are you lost?
:'''Lalo''': ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. I don't speak any German!
:'''Casper''': ''[in English]'' Are you lost?
:'''Lalo''': It's a beautiful place you have here. The air, it's just so... ''fresh!''
:'''Casper''': ...Do I know you?
:'''Lalo''': Well, I don't think we've ''officially'' met-
:''[Casper grabs his axe and runs inside a nearby wooden shed while Lalo draws his gun. Lalo searches when he's suddenly dropped by a blow from Casper]''
:'''Casper''': Who are you?! '''''Who are you?!'''''
:'''Lalo''': ''[strained]'' Ed-Eduardo... Salamanca! I'm not here for you... This is about Fring. Guh- I want to know... I want to know what he's building.
:'''Casper''': How did you find me?
:'''Lalo''': Ma- Marga... M-Margarethe Z-Ziegler.
:'''Casper''': What have you done to her?!
:'''Lalo''': Nothing, nothing. You sent her a gi- a gift. ''[pulls out a business card and shows it to Casper]''
:'''Casper''': ''Was ist das?''
:''[Lalo's hidden a razor blade behind the card. He springs up and cuts Casper's face, then grabs his axe and cuts his foot off]''
:'''Lalo''': ''[cheerfully] Carajo!'' I think you broke one of my ribs! ''[tosses Casper his belt]'' Here. Tie that off... before you bleed to death. ''You and I are gonna have a '''talk.'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Holy shit! The Jackson Mercer Foundation, that's like... the good housekeeping seal of approval.
:'''Kim''': Well, it's not a done deal. Some of the foundation board members are flying in next week to meet the lieutenant governor at a luncheon in Santa Fe, so... they are inviting a select group of people with... Cliff called them, &quot;up-and-coming organizations,&quot; and uh... Yeah. Cliff thinks I have a good shot. 
:'''Jimmy''': A good shot? You have more than a shot! They are gonna love you on sight!
:'''Kim''': The only thing is the lunch is on D-Day.
:'''Jimmy''': So, what? That's—You don't have to be there on the day! Was Eisenhower on Omaha Beach? No. Kim, this is great, right? It's ''huge!''
:'''Kim''': ...It is pretty great! ''[laughs]''
:'''Jimmy''': Kim, this is fantastic! ''[kisses Kim]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy has Francesca call HHM and pose as a relative of a Sandpiper resident to get details about the upcoming mediation]''
:'''Jimmy''': What is the hold up?
:'''Francesca''': I just... I don't know if I'm comfortable. Is this even legal?
:'''Jimmy''': I'm sorry, which one of us went to law school? Because I can stand here and go through the ins and outs of what's quote-unquote legal with you, but we're on the clock.
:'''Francesca''': I just don't—
:'''Jimmy''': Francesca, let's get something straight, okay? We can't be holding a graduate seminar in constitutional law every time I give you something to do.
:'''Francesca''': But I—I'm not sure if—
:'''Jimmy''': You know what I'm paying you? It is above market. To whom much is given, much is expected! ''[takes out cell phone and starts dialing a number]''
:'''Francesca''': We're not gonna make a habit of this?
:'''Jimmy''': Of course not! Absolutely not. No, no, no. ''[gives phone to Francesca]'' Put it on speaker and let me... ''[moves closer]''
:'''HHM Employee #1''': Hamlin Hamlin McGill.
:'''Francesca''': Hi... there. I'm calling because my—my mother is... is—Well, I guess she's a—a client of yours. She lives in, uh, Sandpiper Assisted Living.
:'''HHM Employee #1''': Sandpiper, of course. Let me transfer you.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Francesca while she's on hold]'' It's just a phone call. 
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Good afternoon. Do you have a question about the Sandpiper case?
:'''Francesca''': ''[waits for Jimmy to nod]'' Yes. My mother's out of the facility in Amarillo. Says she's supposed to call in to some meeting on Thursday?
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Yes, you're talking about the mediation?
:'''Francesca''': That's it. The thing is, she's lost her dial-in instructions. ''[sighs nervously]'' I'm just looking everywhere and can't find them.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': I'd be happy to help you with that. It's very important to us that all the class members are fully looked in. What's your mother's name?
:'''Francesca''': ''[Tells name mouthed by Jimmy]'' Uh, Marnie Stuber. ''[watches Jimmy form the letters as she spells aloud]'' That's–that's S-T-U-B-E-R. ''[sighs nervously again when Jimmy tries to cheer her up]'' Oh, bless your heart. She'll be so relieved!
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay, it's very simple. The meeting is happening at our offices. So she just has to call the main line—the same number you called just now—press 7, and then enter the passcode. I can give that to you now. Do you have a pen?
:'''Francesca''': Uh... ''[Jimmy quickly takes out a pen]'' Y–yeah, I'm ready.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay. It's 842159. ''[Jimmy writes the numbers on his hand]'' 
:'''Francesca''': 842159?
:'''HHM Employee #2''': That's right.
:'''Francesca''': Okay! Uh, thank you so much. Really appreciate it.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Of course, take care. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[hangs up immediately]'' Was that so hard?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy sees the real Rand Casimiro at a liquor store wearing a cast that was not shown in the fake photos he shot earlier. He bolts out of there and gets in his car before being seen by the judge.]''
:'''Jimmy''': FUCK! ''[bangs on steering wheel and chuckles nervously before dialing Kim on his cell phone]''
:''[Cut to Kim driving on the highway to Santa Fe.]'' 
:'''Kim''': &quot;Ultimately, it's about equal justice, a system that works for everyone. A justice system that works for everyone, and what is more important than that?&quot; ''[hears phone ringing and answers it]'' Hey, Jimmy.
:'''Jimmy''': Flag on the play! You're not gonna believe this, but I just ran into Casimiro—the real one.
:'''Kim''': Oh, God.
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, and before you ask, he didn't shave his mustache. ''He broke his arm.'' 
:'''Kim''': Are you serious?
:'''Jimmy''': The guy has a giant cast on his left arm! And I checked all the pictures and you can see his arm in every single one of them! No cast, clear as day! 
:'''Kim''': Shit! SHIT!
:'''Jimmy''': I KNOW! I '''KNOW!''' Uh... But, hey. Hey, hey, look at it this way: If I hadn't seen him... I mean, that would've really—that really could've sunk us. Right? So, we're gonna pull the plug and we are going to live to fight another day.
:'''Kim''': ...What other day? 
:'''Jimmy''': Well, we'll figure it out. I promise, okay? So, just go. Just do your thing in Santa Fe, and we'll regroup when you get home tonight. ''[beat; Kim says nothing]'' Kim? Kim, you still there? 
:'''Kim''': Yes.
:'''Jimmy''': Did you hear what I said?
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' It happens today. 
:''[Kim quickly turns around and starts driving back to Albuquerque.]''

=== ''[[w:Plan and Execution | Plan and Execution]]'' [6.07] ===
:''[An intern at HHM, Cary, drops soda cans when he sees Howard setting up the conference room for the Sandpiper mediation]''
:'''Cary''': Uh, excuse me, Mr. Hamlin! I-I was told I should restock the fridge before the meeting.
:'''Howard''': No worries. Here, let me give you a hand.
:'''Cary''': Thank you!
:'''Howard''': Uh, you're... Gary?
:'''Cary''': Cary! Anderson.
:'''Howard''': Mm... of course. Cary. ''[sees Cary stocking the fridge with the dropped cans]'' Cary, what happens when you drop or shake a can of soda?
:'''Cary''': ...Right. ''[mimes explosion]'' I'm sorry, I'm, uh...
:'''Howard''': Here, let me show you a little trick. ''[picks up and spins a soda can]'' Something about the centrifugal force pulls the bubbles from the inside of the can, stops it from exploding. Don't want our clients to get a surprise now, do we?
:'''Cary''': That works?
:''[Howard opens the can without incident and takes a sip]''
:'''Cary''': Alright!
:'''Howard''': You know who taught me that trick? ''[points at the picture of Chuck in the conference room]'' He used to do it. Had a habit - anytime he opened a can, almost unconsciously. I asked him about it once... just his way of being prepared for anything, accidental or otherwise. 
:'''Cary''': Um, I'm sorry, I'm... kinda new here. I- I have to ask, who is that?
:'''Howard''': Charles McGill. The &quot;M&quot; in HHM. Greatest legal mind I ever knew.
:'''Cary''': Wow! I hope someone says that about me someday.
:'''Howard''': Well... maybe there are more important things.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Howard, Cliff, and the rest of the parties in the Sandpiper mediation are in the HHM conference room; Rand Casimiro is seated at the head of the table; Jimmy and Kim listen in on the meeting through a disposable cell phone in Saul Goodman's office]''
:'''Rand Casimiro:''' Hello. I know we're all anxious to get things started but you'll have to suffer through my traditional spiel, unfortunately. My name is Rand Casimiro, and I am your mediator for these proceedings. Now, I'm happy to be here. But at the end, hopefully all of you in the room and those listening from various locations ''won't'' be happy with me. And why do I say that? Because the best solutions mean compromise. It's compromise from both sides. That's my goal. But as my wife always says, compromising doesn't mean I'm right and she's wrong. ''[chuckles]'' So, let us move forward—
:'''Howard:''' ''Hmph.''
:''[Everyone in the conference room turns to Howard]''
:'''Cliff:''' ...Howard?
:'''Howard:''' I-I'm... Wow. ''[pause]'' I'm... I'm sorry. I don't think we can proceed with these negotiations today.
:'''Rich:''' Why not?
:'''Howard:''' Well, let's just say, circumstances beyond any of our control.
:'''Rich:''' Well, I'm going to have to insist that you be more specific.
:'''Howard:''' Well, our mediator here keeps using the word &quot;compromise&quot; when ''he'', in fact, is compromised.
:'''Casimiro:''' I beg your pardon?
:'''Howard:''' I think you heard me.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...?
:'''Howard:''' You drive a silver Miata, correct? 
:'''Casimiro:''' I do.
:'''Howard:''' And this morning, around 7 a.m., you walked across Trumbull Park in town?
:'''Casimiro:''' No. 
:'''Howard:''' You didn't stop at the park this morning?
:'''Casimiro:''' I didn't. I got to Albuquerque early, not at 7 a.m. And I didn't go to a park.
:'''Howard:''' You sure?
:'''Cliff:''' Howard, if the judge says he's sure, then I&amp;ndash;
:'''Casimiro:''' Of course I'm sure! If it matters, I arrived in town about ten, I stopped at a gas station, I went by a liquor store and bought a gift. I had a lunch salad and a very nice latté from the Flying Star on Menaul. I read ''[[w:Barron's_(newspaper)|Barron's]]''. Then came here.
:'''Howard:''' ''Mmmm''. So you weren't in town to visit our mutual acquaintance, James Morgan McGill? Or maybe you know him as &quot;Saul Goodman&quot;. 
:'''Casimiro:''' I don't know anyone by either of those names.
:'''Howard:''' Okay. You want to go that way? ''[to his secretary]'' Julie, go to my desk, please. There's an envelope with photos. Bring it to me quickly.
:'''Julie:''' Oh. Okay. ''[leaves]''
:'''Cliff:''' Howard, can we have a sidebar&amp;ndash;?
:'''Casimiro:''' I'm sorry. These photos &amp;ndash; these are photos of me? 
:'''Howard:''' They show exactly what I'm describing.
:'''Casimiro:''' You were following me?
:'''Howard:''' I had a private investigator following Jimmy McGill. You were photographed receiving what I estimate to be a $20,000 payoff this morning in the park.
:'''Rich:''' I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is just&amp;ndash; ''[sighs; to Howard]'' You recommended this judge as a mediator and we agreed. And now... ''Jimmy?'' Jimmy McGill &amp;ndash; who originated this suit &amp;ndash; is ''what?'' 
:'''Howard:''' A-admittedly, it all sounds a bit baroque. But when you see the photos, things will be clearer.
:'''Casimiro:''' Well, I'm looking forward to that.
:''[long pause; Julie enters the room with the envelope]''
:'''Julie:''' I have the pictures, Mr. Hamlin. 
:'''Howard:''' Thank you, Julie. ''[opens the envelope]'' And now, take a look.
:''[Howard looks at the photos with Cliff, Schweikart, Casimiro, Irene and Julie looking behind him. Instead of an actor dressed as Casimiro as he had seen earlier, the photos show Jimmy sitting at a park bench exchanging a frisbee with the Sound Guy, dressed as a jogger]''
:'''Casimiro:''' ...Is that supposed to be ''me''?
:'''Howard:''' I, uh... This is... This is not... Julie, you got the wrong envelope.
:'''Julie:''' That was the only one on your desk.
:'''Howard:''' Look again!
:''[Julie leaves]''
:'''Howard:''' They-they've been switched. Somehow he switched them.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...
:'''Howard:''' No. Jimmy &amp;ndash; he snuck in somehow, and these are not the pictures I saw.
:''[Howard turns to Erin, who notices that his pupils are now dilated]''
:'''Erin:''' Mr. Hamlin, are you all right? Your eyes...
:'''Howard:''' ''[agitated]'' I am fine! This is all something that will be sorted out, I am confident!
:''[Cliff rises and guides Howard out of his seat]''
:'''Cliff:''' I think a recess is in order.
:'''Howard:''' Nobody move! Evidence has been tampered with!
:'''Cliff:''' Now Howard, please!
:''[Howard and Cliff leave the conference room. Everyone left behind is stunned silent]''
:'''Irene:''' ...Is this how these usually go?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Cliff confronts Howard in his office after the fiasco in the conference room]''
:'''Howard:''' Cliff? Is that you? I'm not crazy, and I'm not on drugs. Please, come in. Now somehow, some way, that son of a bitch gave me something that dilated my pupils. I-I don't know what. But it's wearing off already, look. ''[gestures toward his eyes]'' 
:'''Cliff:''' You say that Jimmy McGill drugged you? How is that possible?
:'''Howard:''' The-the photos. They were wet with... ''something''.
:'''Cliff:''' The missing photos.
:'''Howard:''' Yeah. My P.I., Genidowski, had to have been in on it. He-he must have shown me one set of photos and then switched them after I left the office. 
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...
:'''Howard:''' Three weeks ago, Julie got a call from our detective agency. They wanted to update their contact info, so of course she changed the number in the system. But it turns out, it wasn't them. That was Jimmy. So when I needed an investigator to follow Jimmy, I called his fake number and his fake man. She just dialed the old number and, of course, got the actual agency. And, no surprise, no one by the name of Genidowski had ever worked there. I hired a con man. I got played. Every step of the way. I know what it sounds like, but you have to believe me.
:'''Cliff:''' I... It doesn't matter. Rich went back to the previous offer. I'll give a recommend to the class that we take it.
:'''Howard:''' No. No way. We do not let Jimmy win this.
:'''Cliff:''' Why would Jimmy even do this? He's a profit participant! This means less money for him!
:'''Howard:''' Because he's a child! He wants his money now! He begged me months ago to settle! You know what he does!
:'''Cliff:''' Whatever the truth is, we'll never get back to where we were before mediation. We have to settle.
:'''Howard:''' I'm lead attorney. And I won't sanction that decision.
:'''Cliff:''' Then I'm obligated to go to the partners and explain everything I've seen &amp;ndash; all of it. You think you're gonna be able to convince them it was all Jimmy McGill?
:'''Howard:''' ...Okay then. We go to trial. Cliff, this case is incredibly strong. I put this thing in front of a jury, then everything will&amp;ndash;
:'''Cliff:''' I'm not thinking about you, Howard. I'm not thinking about Jimmy. I'm thinking about the time, the expense, the uncertainty. I'm thinking about our clients!
:''[Howard bows his head in defeat.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo records a video message for Eladio while he's hiding in the sewers surveilling Gus' laundromat. The dialogue switches between Spanish and English.]''
:'''Lalo''': Don Eladio. Guess who?  It's Lalo, I'm alive! ''[chuckles]'' I'm here in beautiful downtown Albuquerque. ''[pans the camera around his belongings]'' Been here... four nights? Now, you may be asking, &quot;What am I doing down in this shithole?&quot; Well, [[w:Axe and Grind|a little Croatian bird told me a secret]]. Eh, he put up a hell of a fight, but he told me. Look. ''[points the camera at his target, Lavanderia Brilliante]'' See that? Right there... Fring's secret. Now, I've been watching and Fring hides his guards very well, but they're there, dressed like laundry workers. ''[zooms in on one &quot;worker&quot;]'' See? That's one there. They're hiding guns under the uniforms, but I see. I have a pretty good idea of what I'm up against. ''[points the camera back at himself]'' I can tell you what's in there. A big hole where a German engineer, Werner Ziegler, designed the perfect place to hide the... ''[in English]'' &quot;mother of all meth labs.&quot; ''[in Spanish]'' Well, that's my story. And Fring? Fring will have his story, a good one, and Bolsa will back him because he's an... ''[in English]'' &quot;earner.&quot; ''[in Spanish]'' So tonight, I go in... kill all the guards and show you the proof. And then? You decide... ''Adios.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim are watching a movie in Kim's apartment when they hear a knock at the door. It's revealed to be Howard, disheveled and holding a bottle of Macallan scotch whisky.]''
:'''Howard:''' Can I come in? 
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah. Come on.
:'''Howard:''' Kim.
:'''Kim:''' Howard. You doing okay?
:'''Howard:''' I'm fine. Sorry to interrupt this, but I brought you a gift.
:'''Jimmy:''' A gift? What's the occasion?
:'''Howard:''' Your brother and I, we always had a meeting with Mr. Macallan after a big victory. Usually some brilliant summation by Chuck, that goes without saying. So this, this is for you. You earned it. You won.
:'''Jimmy:''' Won? Uh, what did I win?
:'''Howard:''' ''[pause]'' I get it. Of course you both have to play it this way. You're both so very good at it. 
:'''Kim:''' It's late, Howard. Do you want to tell us what this is about?
:'''Howard:''' I was wondering that too. ''[walks to the kitchen]'' What it's all about. I mean, what do you tell yourselves? What justification makes it okay? &quot;Howard's such an asshole that he deserves it?&quot; ''[offers two glasses to Jimmy and Kim]'' 
:'''Jimmy:''' We're good.
:'''Howard:''' So, what is it? I sided with Chuck too often? ''[points to Kim]'' I took away your office, put you in doc review? All of the above? Howard's daddy helped him get to the top, but you both had to struggle. &quot;Howie has so much and we have so little, let's take him down a peg or two.&quot; What allows you to do this to me? Because this isn't just a prank. No. This goes beyond [[w:Namaste (Better Call Saul)|throwing bowling balls on my car]]. This took planning, coordination. I mean, how many weeks? Or-or-or was it months? It couldn't have been easy. So tell me, why? Why go through this elaborate plot just to burn me to the ground?
:'''Jimmy:''' &quot;Burn you to the ground?&quot; Howard, come on. Y-you'll be fine. You always land on your feet.
:'''Howard:''' Yeah, sure. The Sandpiper settlement—HHM's share will be substantial, absolutely. Even though I humiliated myself. And my clients and peers will whisper that Howard Hamlin's a drug addict. You're right. I've worked my way through worse. Debt. Depression. My marriage falling apart.
:''[Jimmy blinks in surprise. He and Kim exchange looks]''
:'''Howard:''' Oh, yeah. Been sleeping in the guest house for the better part of a year. Just one more thing that good ol' Howard has to work through. But yes, I will land on my feet. I will be okay. But you? Far from it. You two... you two are soulless. Jimmy, you can't help yourself. Chuck knew it. You were ''born'' that way. ''[to Kim]'' But you—one of the smartest and most promising human beings I've ever known, and ''this'' is the life you choose. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright, you're too tight to drive, I'm calling a cab—
:'''Howard:''' Oh good, phony compassion. And you know what? Very, very believable. But I'm far from done.
:'''Kim:''' Oh no no no. You are done, Howard. Sorry, but you need to stop this now and you need to go home.
:'''Howard:''' You're perfect for each other. You have a piece missing. I-I-I thought you did it for the money, but it-it—Now it's so clear. Screw the money, you did it for fun! You get off on it! You're like [[w:Leopold and Loeb|Leopold and Loeb]], two sociopaths—
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright, that's enough.
:'''Howard:''' Oh, you know it's true, you just don't have the guts to admit it.
:'''Kim:''' Great. Now you need to go.
:'''Howard:''' I'm gonna make it clear to everyone, because I'm going to dedicate my life to making sure that everybody knows the truth. Believe it. You can't hide who you really are forever.
:''[Jimmy reflexively shields Kim as Lalo Salamanca enters the room; Jimmy is stunned]''
:'''Jimmy:''' How...
:''[Howard turns around and see Lalo, who non-chalantly stands next to him]''
:'''Kim:''' H-Howard... Howard. Howard, you need to leave.
:'''Howard:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Who are you?
:'''Lalo:''' Me? Nobody. I just need to talk to my lawyers.
:'''Howard:''' ''[scoffs]'' Oh, is that right? You want some advice? Find better lawyers.
:'''Kim:''' Howard, please j-just... just... just turn around—
:'''Lalo:''' No, no, no, no, no. Take your time.
:'''Howard:''' ''[to Kim]'' What's this about? 
:''[Lalo calmly takes a pistol out of his pocket and screws a silencer onto the muzzle]''
:'''Kim:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Please... please, just tell us what you want.
:'''Lalo:''' ''[shrugs]'' Like I said. To talk.
:'''Howard:''' I, uh... I think I'm in the middle of something, uh... There's really no need to—
:''[Lalo puts the gun to Howard's head and pulls the trigger; Howard falls onto the floor, killed instantly. Jimmy and Kim scream.]''
:'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Please, no!''
:'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''No! No!''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[holds out his hand to quiet them down]'' ''Shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh.'' Okay. Let's talk.

=== ''[[w:Point and Shoot (Better Call Saul) | Point and Shoot]]'' [6.08] ===
:''[Jimmy and Kim are cowering in terror when Lalo forces them to sit on their couch]''
:'''Jimmy''': I never turned on you. I didn't. I only worked for you in the desert. I was on your side the whole time.
:'''Lalo''': Shhh. ''[motions for Jimmy to sit down with his gun]'' I don't care. You two... ''[chuckles; shakes his head]'' God, you two and your mouths! ''Dios mío!'' Now, ''you listen.'' ''[tosses car keys to Jimmy]'' My car's downstairs. Press the clicker, and you'll find it. This... ''[holds up small piece of paper]'' is where you are going. Don't speed, don't weave, don't cut anyone off. Just, you know, drive nice. From here, ''[checks watch]'' at this hour... I'd take 40 east, get off at Carlisle, take the third left. The rest I drew a little map for you on the back. It's not hard. So... big white brick house with a solid black door. You can't miss it. It's right at the end of the T. Park a little down the street and not up front. It's a quiet neighborhood, so you'll have plenty of options. Stating the obvious here maybe, but... turn the car off, right? So, in the glove compartment, I left you a present. There's a camera and there's a gun. And you're gonna need both.
:'''Jimmy''': A gun?
:'''Lalo''': Yeah, yeah, yeah. But don't worry. I mean, it's–it's easy. It's a revolver. It's already loaded, no safety—it's idiot proof. So, you go up to that house, you walk right up to that black door. Don't run. Just be casual, like a stroll, you know? Keep the gun somewhere behind you where they can't see it. You ring the bell, you count to three, you step back. They look through the peephole, you're as innocent as can be. Door opens, you point... and you shoot. And you keep on pulling that trigger until it's empty. ''[pause]'' Simple. 
:'''Jimmy''': You–you want me to—?!
:'''Lalo''': I know, I know. ''[casually nudges Howard's dead body with his foot]'' You're a lawyer, and you're not a killer. But look, you can do this, okay? This guy, he's a housecat! Black, medium height, short hair, glasses! He kinda looks like a librarian... but don't be fooled. Even a housecat can scratch. So, that's it. Hard part's over. Now, you pull out the camera. Same principle as the gun: Point and shoot. Take a picture. One where I can see the face ''clearly''... and then you bring it back here where, me and Mrs. Goodman will be waiting for you. And then you're done! I'd say it's about a twenty minute drive over there... ''[Jimmy looks nervously at Kim]'' twenty minutes back. Maybe ten minutes to do the job. Let's go with an hour altogether. So, you're back here in an hour, or—
:''[Jimmy forcibly turns on the Saul Goodman charm]''
:'''Jimmy''': Send her.
:'''Kim''': ...What?! 
:'''Jimmy''': She should do it.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy...
:'''Lalo''': ''[pause]'' Why her? 
:'''Kim''': ''[whispers to Jimmy]'' Don't do this.
:'''Jimmy''': This guy, the–the housecat.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy, please.
:'''Jimmy''': He looks through his peephole... 
:'''Kim''': ''Please.''
:'''Jimmy''': ...in the middle of the night, and he sees me? &quot;Who's this asshole? What's he doing?&quot; Maybe–maybe he gets ''his'' gun, maybe he calls the cops. Either way, that door stays shut. But he sees a woman...
:'''Kim''': No.
:'''Jimmy''': ...she looks like she's in distress. Maybe her car broke down. ''[chuckles]'' I mean, you'd open the door for her, wouldn't you?
:'''Kim''': Stop! Stop!
:'''Lalo''': Yeah, but... she's really clever. I don't know if she's gonna stick to the plan.
:'''Jimmy''': She will.
:'''Kim''': No, no, no.
:'''Jimmy''': No cops. You know she will.
:'''Kim''': No. No, this... This doesn't even make any sense! I–I–I've never shot a gun before! I've never even held one!  
:'''Jimmy''': Like I have.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy, what are you doing?! 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo while pointing at Kim]'' You know she's the best choice.
:'''Kim''': No, I'm not! I don't—I can't! I can't do it! 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo]'' She can do it. You know she can do it!
:'''Kim''': No! Jimmy, I'll stay! Stop! Just stop! 
:'''Jimmy''': You know I'm right! Listen! 
:'''Kim''': Stop it! Shut up! 
:'''Jimmy''': Listen! 
:'''Kim''': SHUT UP!
:'''Lalo''': ''[rolls his eyes]'' Oh, my God! Okay, fine! Yeah, heard! Whatever. Give her the keys, give her the address. Let's go. ''[walks toward the front door]'' 
:'''Kim''': ''[to Jimmy]'' No. Don't... Don't.
:'''Jimmy''': You... you gotta go.
:'''Kim''': ''[softly]'' Don't do this.
:'''Jimmy''': Come on. Hey... ''[whispering]'' Let's go.
:''[Kim reluctantly gets up and is about to leave the apartment, but Lalo stops her]''
:'''Lalo''': Hold on. ''[pause; Kim looks at him]'' You're gonna need your shoes, right? 
:''[Kim stares at Jimmy while she puts her shoes on]'' 
:'''Lalo''': There you go! Okay, ''[looks at watch]'' so one hour starting... now. Clock's ticking, Mrs. Goodman.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo ties Jimmy to a chair while interrogating him about the assassination attempt at his hacienda]'' 
:'''Lalo''': You know, after I saw you last, I went home. My home. ''Mi cielito lindo''... And you know what happened? Men came. Armed men, in the middle of the night. To my home. Trying to get to me. And you know what they did? They killed people I care about. They killed my cook. My gardener. A seventeen-year-old kid I knew since he was knee-high. Never hurt a fly. Butchered my housekeeper, Yolanda. ''Una viejita, cabrón.'' They shot her in the back. 
:'''Jimmy''': ...I'm sorry.
:'''Lalo''': Now, how did these men... get into my home? Do you know? 
:'''Jimmy''': I... I have–I have no idea.
:'''Lalo''': Ignacio Varga. ''He'' let them in. And who did Ignacio introduce me to? ''[taps Jimmy's head]'' You.
:'''Jimmy''': Ignacio... Nacho? ''[brief pause]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa! I–I barely know Ignacio! Whatever he did, he did alone! Not with me! Listen, you gotta believe me! Hand to God, I had no part in this—it wasn't me! ''It was '''Igna—''''' 
:''[Lalo sneaks up from behind and gags Jimmy with a rolled-up shirt]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[through the gag]'' Ignacio! It's not me! Listen, listen! I–I don't know about...
:'''Lalo''': Save it. ''[looks Jimmy in the eyes]'' I'm gonna come back. And then you... are gonna tell me ''the whole story.''
:''[Before leaving the apartment, Lalo presses play on the movie Jimmy and Kim were watching earlier and turns up the volume. He picks up Jimmy's car keys by the front door.]''
:'''Lalo''': Ford Taurus... taupe? ''[rolls eyes and shakes his head before leaving]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike disarms Kim and forces her inside Gus' house before she can shoot. Gus watches Mike question her through surveillance monitors at his neighbors' residence.]''
:'''Kim''': What are you doing?! I–I have to go! I have to—No, wait! 
:'''Mike''': Ms. Wexler, I'd like you to sit down.
:'''Kim''': He'll–He'll kill him! You have to... You—
:'''Mike''': Now, sit there and be calm!
:'''Kim''': No, I have to get back! ''I have to get back!''
:'''Mike''': ''[restrains her and forces her back down]'' Sit ''still''... and stay calm. Now, if you take a deep breath—a ''deep'' breath—nothing's gonna happen here until you calm yourself. Alright? Now, who is killing who?
:'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca! Lalo is going to kill Jimmy! ''[Mike looks shocked]'' He's there! He–he is there with Jimmy now!
:'''Mike''': Salamanca is at your apartment?!
:'''Kim''': Yes! He sent ''me!'' He–he wanted to send Jimmy, but then he sent me.
:'''Mike''': To do what exactly?! ''[pause; Kim hyperventilates]'' Ms. Wexler, you stay with me! What were you supposed to do here?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat; points at a man who looks identical to Gus]'' Shoot him. I'm–I'm supposed to shoot him, and then take a photo, and then get back. That's it. I only have twenty minutes left! Please! ''[Mike quickly looks and nods at one of his guys]'' He is ''alone'' with him!
:'''Mike''': Alright, stay put. We'll handle this. We ''will'' handle this. ''[to Victor]'' You call Tyrus. Get him to the condo ''now.''
:'''Kim''': You said you were watching us! WHERE WERE YOU?! HUH?! ''[Mike leaves]'' '''WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!''' 
:''[Kim tries to get up, but Victor stands in her way and forces her to sit down again]'' 
:'''Victor''': You heard what the man said.
:''[Mike walks through the corridor connecting the two homes and reports to Gus.]''
:'''Mike''': You heard all that? ''[Gus nods]'' Alright. You hunker down here. ''[to two bodyguards]'' You two, you stay with him. A dog barks too loud, you are on the phone with me. ''[to Arthur and Tyrus]'' You two, come with me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After growing restless over Lalo's whereabouts, Gus calls Victor and asks him to speak to Kim about Lalo]''
:'''Gus''': Why did Lalo send you?
:'''Kim''': Who is this? 
:'''Victor''': Answer him. ''[points behind him]''
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' He didn't want to send me. Not at first. He wanted to send my husband... but my husband talked him out of it because he wanted to get me out of there.
:'''Gus''': He... talked Lalo out of it?
:'''Kim''': That's right. ''[pause]'' Now that I've told you everything I know, please tell me. Tell me who—
:''[Gus hangs up the phone and looks at his bodyguards]'' 
:'''Gus''': Come with me. Both of you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo records another video message for Don Eladio while holding Gus at gunpoint at the laundromat. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Lalo:''' Don Eladio, look who we have here. The one and only Gustavo Fring. [''chuckles''] And wearing body armor! Too bad they don't make armor for your head, eh? Now we're gonna take a little walk and show you around. ''Vamanos''. [''clicks tongue''] Don, I would've liked it if we didn't have to rush this so much. We could sit by your pool... strip this snake's skin off, inch by inch. Take our time, have some fun. But he shows up now... who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth? 
:''[Gus stops at one of the large washers]''
:'''Lalo:''' A big machine hides a big secret. We have about... thirteen minutes until his bald ''gringo'' gets here with the cavalry, so Gustavo is going to have to give us the nickel tour. ''[beat; shoots Gus in the chest]'' Like I was saying, Gustavo is going to show us around. 
:''[Gus walks around and pushes a button, which opens the secret passage to the underground meth lab]'' 
:'''Lalo:''' ''Ha!'' Magnificent! I had a bathtub that did this, but... credit where credit is due, this is better. ''[laughs]'' ''Hijo de puta''. 
:''[Gus leads Lalo down a ladder and turns on the lights]''
:'''Lalo:''' [''chuckles; in English''] Okay. Drumroll, please. ''D-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r''... Ta-da! ''[laughs]'' ''Cadenza de wow'', no? ''[in Spanish]'' Don Eladio, I've heard some stories about this place. It took a bunch of German engineers ten months to build all of this. They used two hundred pounds of high explosive. Dug out 120,000 cubic meters of dirt and rock. And all... without disturbing the laundry up there. In the middle of a city with a million people! That's pretty badass, right? 
:''[Gus trips and falls to the ground when Lalo pushes his pistol against his back]''
:'''Lalo''': One moment, Don. ''[puts the camcorder between his teeth as he switches the magazines of his pistol]'' Think of the laboratory you could put here, Don Eladio. ''Eh?'' How much meth you could make... that was his plan. Cut you out to become boss. And now here we are, in this big hole! ''[cackles]'' Gustavo thought he was building an empire, but all he built himself was a tomb. 
:'''Gus:''' You can't kill me.
:'''Lalo:''' Why not?
:'''Gus:''' I haven't told that fat pig Eladio what I think of him yet. 
:'''Lalo:''' ''Hoo-hoo!'' Perfect! You've got one minute. 
:'''Gus:''' Eladio... you greasy, bloated pimp. You talk of honor. But you have none. A pack of stray dogs fighting for scraps has more honor. Jackals. That's all you are! No vision. No patience. No thought. Stupid and impulsive! That is how I did all this. You couldn't see it, couldn't even conceive of it. And you Salamancas... you're the worst vermin of all. You say you believe in &quot;blood for blood&quot; but you only understand blood for money! You're whores!  ''[in English]'' I understand blood for blood. Hector? Yeah, I kept him alive. Kept him broken. I will save him to the last. Before he dies, he will know '''''I''' buried every one of you.'' 
:'''Lalo:''' ''[sniggers]'' Big talk. You done?
:'''Gus:''' No. Not yet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy:''' Lalo said he was coming back.
:'''Mike:''' He's not coming.
:'''Jimmy:''' No, he said he was, he told me—
:'''Mike:''' You understand me? He is ''not coming back.'' Let's sit. ''[pause; Jimmy and Kim remain standing]'' '''''SIT.'''''
:''[Jimmy and Kim sit at the foot of their bed; Mike stands in front of them.]''
:'''Mike:''' Alright. Here's what's gonna happen: In a few days, Howard Hamlin's car will be found several states away by the water. The odometer will have rolled to the exact number of miles it took to get there. There will be cocaine in the upholstery. That was the story you were setting up for this guy, yeah? They'll call it a suicide, hoping the body will come washing up. It never will. At some point, you're gonna hear about it. Someone calls you, someone at the courthouse mentions it—the moment that happens—you call the cops. His car was here for hours last night. Good chance somebody noticed it. That means you are the last people to see him alive. Cops are gonna want to hear from you. You tell the cops you saw him—he came here, seemed like maybe he was chemically altered, didn't make a lick of sense. Then he left, that's all you know. You keep telling the lie you've been telling. Now, Ms. Wexler tells me she has court at ten. What's on your docket? ''[Jimmy doesn't answer]'' Hey. ''Listen.'' Where do you need to be?
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh, office. At my office. Clients start showing up around 9:30. ''Oh'', my car is gone.
:'''Mike:''' No. It's on the way home, you'll have it when you need it. So you two are going to go about your day—normal, same as ever. Today, you're Meryl Streep and Laurence Olivier. No staring into space, nothing out of the ordinary, you ''cover.'' Anybody talks to you, it's just another day that ends in Y, that's all. When you get home, we'll be gone and everything will be back the way it was. Now, I need to impress upon you: none of this ever happened. None of it. Understand? Say it out loud, I need to hear it.
:'''Jimmy:''' ...I understand.
:'''Kim:''' ...It never happened.

=== ''[[w:Fun and Games (Better Call Saul) | Fun and Games]]'' [6.09] ===
:'''Jimmy''': One day, we'll... We'll wake up, and brush our teeth, and we'll go to work. And at some point, we'll suddenly realize... [[w:Bad Choice Road | that we hadn't thought about it at all. None of it]]. ''[pause]'' And that's when we'll know. We'll know we can forget.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gus meets with Don Eladio, Juan Bolsa, and the Salamancas late at night. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Eladio''': Don Hector has made a very serious accusation. 
:''[One of the Cousins hands a letter to Don Juan]'' 
:'''Bolsa''': These are Don Hector's words. Dictated to Leonel and Marco, letter by letter. &quot;The assault on my nephew's hacienda failed. Lalo fought the assassins and won. The day after the attack, Lalo called me. I heard the truth from his own lips. It was Fring who sent the mercenaries, not the Peruvians. We kept Lalo's survival a secret. My nephew was about to take his revenge on the traitor, face-to-face. Instead, he disappeared. It is the Chicken Man's doing. Don Eladio, look into Fring's eyes. There you will see the truth. The Chicken Man hates you. He is our enemy. He plots against us. I demand blood for blood.&quot;
:''[Bolsa folds the letter and sits back down]''
:'''Eladio''': Well, Gustavo?
:'''Gus''': ''[pause]'' I have no response.
:'''Bolsa''': Gustavo, you must speak. Have you no defense?
:'''Gus''': With all due respect, I don't believe this merits a response.
:'''Eladio''': Did you witness these phone calls from Lalo? ''[Leonel and Marco shake their heads]'' I was told you saw Lalo's body.
:'''Leonel''': Yes.
:'''Marco''': It was burned.
:'''Eladio''': Didn't the ''federales'' check the teeth?
:'''Bolsa''': Yes, Don Eladio. My brother tells me the dental records matched. 
:'''Eladio''': And that rat, Varga... What did he say before he died?
:'''Bolsa''': He said he was in the pay of the Peruvians, Los Odios. We know he took their money, we found bank statements.
:'''Eladio''': ''[beat; looks at his watch]'' Well... It's late. Don Hector... Since you've come a long way, tonight you sleep in my bed. ''[Hector angrily rings his bell repeatedly in protest]'' No, I insist. No arguing. I'm giving you my room. Very comfortable. And who knows? Maybe a couple of the girls will come to visit! ''[pause; Hector continues ringing his bell]'' Please. ''[Leonel and Marco carry Hector by his wheelchair and leave]'' Good night, Hector. Sleep well. ''[to Gus]'' I'd invite you to stay as well, Gustavo, but... I don't want my breakfast ruined by all the... ''[mocks Hector ringing his bell and laughs]'' Ay-yay-yay. ''[beat]'' The peace must be kept. What do you suggest?
:'''Gus''': I wouldn't presume.
:'''Eladio''': The South Valley will stay Salamanca territory. And the rest of the North, that'll be for you to manage. Working under Bolsa.
:'''Bolsa''': Thank you, Don Eladio.
:'''Gus''': ''[rises with Eladio out of his chair]'' Thank you. Your trust means everything, Don Eladio.
:'''Eladio''': ''Bueno.'' Gustavo... ''[long pause]'' When I looked into your eyes... Hate. A little bit's okay. As long as you never forget who's boss. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike meets with Nacho's father outside his shop to let him know about Nacho's fate]''
:'''Manuel''': Who are you?
:'''Mike''': It's not important.
:'''Manuel''': I saw you here before. [[w:Cobbler (Better Call Saul)|Chrysler Fifth Avenue]]. What about my son?
:'''Mike''': I'm sorry, he won't be found. ''[pause]'' It was over fast. No pain.
:'''Manuel''': You were there?
:'''Mike''': I was there. Your son made some mistakes, he fell in with bad people... but he was never like them. Not really. He had a good heart. One more thing: you won't have to worry about the Salamancas. Their day is coming. There'll be justice.
:'''Manuel''': Justice?
:'''Mike''': I'm sorry, my Spanish - j-''justicia.'' Justice.
:'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' What you talk about... is not justice. What you talk of is... ''revenge.'' It never ends... my boy is gone. ''[scoffs, speaks in Spanish]'' You gangsters and your &quot;justice.&quot; You're all the same.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim approach Cliff and Howard's widow, Cheryl, at a memorial reception in the offices of HHM.]''
:'''Kim:''' Cliff.
:'''Cliff:''' Kim, Jimmy.
:'''Cheryl:''' Kim, hi.
:''[Jimmy extends his hand to Cheryl; she doesn't take it]''
:'''Jimmy:''' Hi, Cheryl. I'm Jimmy McGill. You may not remember me. I'm Chuck McGill's brother.
:'''Cheryl:''' Of course.
:'''Jimmy:''' Very sorry for your loss. ''[sighs]''
:'''Kim:''' Cheryl, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. If Jimmy and I can do anything for you or your family, please just say the word.
:''[Jimmy and Kim are about to walk away]''
:'''Cheryl:''' There is something, actually. You two were the last ones to see him, weren't you?
:'''Kim:''' Um...
:'''Jimmy:''' I guess so. Uh, that's what the police said.
:'''Cheryl:''' Howard told me that you were harassing him, playing elaborate pranks of some sort. That you wouldn't leave him alone.
:'''Jimmy:''' I know he thought that. He—he—he told me as well. Um, I think he honestly believed it.
:'''Cheryl:''' But you're denying it.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' You know what, I didn't leave here under the best terms. The past few years, I could have been more considerate to Howard instead of yitzing him every chance I got. I guess, uh, there was a certain amount of jealousy on my part because Howard had the, uh, respect of my brother. Which I never did. ''[Jimmy steps away]''
:'''Cheryl:''' Tell me what you told the police. 
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' Okay, um... Well, I mean, it was 11pm. Howard started pounding on our door. He was very upset, going on about something, um, he thought was my fault, uh... Guess it had to do with the Sandpiper case. But I—I couldn't make head or tail out of it. We tried to calm him down. But... he just—he just wouldn't, um... Finally, he left. That's—that's it.
:'''Cheryl:''' I'm not oblivious. I know people are saying he was on drugs. Is that what you're trying to tell me?
:'''Jimmy:''' I just... He just didn't seem like himself.
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' Are you hearing all of this? Because none of it makes sense to me. 
:'''Cliff:''' Cheryl, maybe we should just—
:'''Cheryl:''' I don't care what people are saying. I don't care what the police think. Howard was not on drugs. That simply is not true. There's something more to this. 
:'''Kim:''' I don't know if it's my place, but... I—I...
:'''Cheryl:''' Please. Just spit it out. ''[sharply inhales]''
:'''Kim:''' ''[sighs]'' It was about a year-and-a-half ago. I was still an associate here, working late on a brief. And I saw a light on in Howard's office. I assumed the cleaning crew left it on by mistake. And I was sure that office was empty, so I didn't knock.
:'''Cheryl:''' ...And?
:'''Kim:''' And Howard was there at his desk, head down. And he was snorting something. 
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[scoffs]''
:'''Kim:''' I looked at him. He looked at me. I didn't know what to do, so I just walked out. And the next morning, when we saw each other, neither of us ever said anything about it. I never told anyone. But now I wish I had. 
:''[Long pause]''
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' In all the years that you worked with him, have you witnessed anything like this? Even a hint? Cliff...
:'''Cliff:''' I... Cheryl, this really isn't the time or the place.
:''[Cheryl begins to cry]''
:'''Kim:''' Cheryl. You were his wife. You saw him every day. You knew him better than anyone. Maybe I misunderstood what I saw. You would have known. 
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[voice breaking]'' Please excuse me.
:''[Cheryl retreats into a women's restroom]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kim and her client are sitting in a courtroom as the presiding judge, Gabriel Dearden, takes the bench]''
:'''Bailiff:''' All rise. Court is now in session, the Honorable Judge Dearden presiding.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Good afternoon. We are here to discuss a motion to exclude evidence in ''State of New Mexico vs. Yarborough''. 
:'''Kim:''' ''[rises]'' Your honor, if I may. I submitted an additional motion. I'm assuming you have not seen it yet.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Did we get that?
:'''Secretary:''' It just came in, judge.
:''[The secretary approaches the bench and hands the motion to Judge Dearden]''
:'''Kim:''' I apologize, it was a last-minute addition. 
:'''Judge Dearden:''' &quot;Last minute&quot; is right. ''[looking through the motion]'' 
:''[Pause]''
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ...Do I understand this correctly? You're requesting to withdraw from this case?
:'''Kim:''' Yes, your honor. My client is fully informed. And I've already been in touch with another attorney, Paige Novick. She's highly qualified and familiar with the case. She's prepared to step if you'll allow it.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Ms. Wexler, Mr. Orenstein, approach the bench.
:''[Kim and the prosecutor do so]''
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[to Kim]'' Ms. Wexler, we are here today at your insistence to consider your motion to exclude evidence. And this is the moment you choose to withdraw?
:'''Kim:''' It was unavoidable.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' May I ask why?
:'''Kim:''' Personal reasons, your honor.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' &quot;Personal reasons.&quot; Are we talking about a health issue, something to do with a loved one?
:'''Kim:''' No.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you rather discuss privately in chambers?
:'''Kim:''' Thank you for the consideration, but no.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you care to supply any detail at all?
:'''Kim:''' Your honor, I prefer not to.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[pause; to Orenstein]'' ...Mr. Orenstein, is the state prepared to discuss Ms. Wexler's motion?
:'''Orenstein:''' We are, your honor. Absolutely.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' You know what, Ms. Wexler? Mr. Orenstein's here. I'm here. We all showed up for your party, and now you're taking away the punch bowl. I'm inclined to have you argue your motion, then I'll consider later writing petitions. 
:'''Kim:''' I'm sorry for wasting the court's time, your honor, but it's impossible for me to continue with this hearing.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' And why is that, Ms. Wexler?
:'''Kim:''' Because I'm no longer an attorney. 
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[brief pause]'' ...I'm sorry, what?
:'''Kim:''' I gave notice to the bar two hours ago.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy arrives home after hearing the news that Kim has quit her legal career]''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''You did what?!'' Why?! ''WHY?!'' Alright, alright, I know why. But Kim, you can't just—
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy, I—
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Shhh!'' Just let me say my piece, okay? Just—Let's take a breath here! Kim, after everything that happened... I mean, Jesus! I get it! You want to climb out of your own skin! That's natural! But Kim, you don't just throw everything away! Th-th-this is your life! You're a lawyer! What about your clients, huh? What about, uh... that poor guy, Mr. Yarborough? What about the kid in foster care? Huh?! You give them everything you got! Who are they going to find who is half as good as you?! No one! They need you!
:'''Kim:''' It's already done.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Ugh!'' ''[pause]'' Okay, what's done can be undone. All I'm saying is just—just let's take a week or two to think it over. For now, we're gonna take some time off. God knows we need it. We're gonna to find a new place, we're—we're gonna leave here. We're never, ever gonna come back here again. Okay? We're gonna—we're gonna put it behind us! Things will look brighter! I guarantee it! But first we have to fix this. So we're gonna go back to the hotel room, and you're gonna write letters. You're gonna write a letter to the bar, you're gonna write letters to your clients. You—you—you dictate, I will type. We're gonna roll this thing back. I'll order a pizza, we'll pull an all-nighter. Because we're in this together. Okay? So I'm gonna go get your—your printer, and then we're gonna get the hell out of here.
:''[Jimmy turns to head into the bedroom]''
:'''Kim:''' Wait— Jimmy. Jimmy!
:''[Jimmy enters the bedroom to discover half-full boxes and luggage everywhere]''
:'''Kim:''' You asked if you were bad for me. That's not it. We are bad for each other. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Kim. Don't do this. Kim, please.
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy... ''[holding back tears]'' ...I have had the time of my life with you. But we are bad for everyone around us. Other people suffer because of us. Apart we're okay, but together we're poison. 
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[shakes his head]'' No, no. Just tell me what I need to do to change, okay? Just tell me what it is, and I'll do it. 
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy...
:'''Jimmy:''' No, Kim. You make me happy. We make each other happy. How can that be bad? Hey... I love you.
:'''Kim:''' I love you, too. ''[voice breaking]'' But so what? 
:'''Jimmy:''' No. No. No, Kim, you're wrong! ''This is about '''Howard!''''' Okay?! What happened to him wasn't on us! It wasn't your fault! It wasn't ''my'' fault! It was that ''fucking Lalo Salamanca!'' That psychopath came back from the dead and he walked through that door! He did this! Not us, ''him!'' 
:'''Kim:''' I knew.
:'''Jimmy:''' You knew wh-what?
:'''Kim:''' I knew he was alive.
:'''Jimmy:''' No, you didn't.
:'''Kim:''' It was about a month ago. I saw that car following me again. And it turned out that Mike Ehrmantraut had guys watching both of us, watching for Lalo. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Mike... Mike told you that Lalo was alive? ''[Kim nods]'' And you didn't tell me?
:'''Kim:''' ''[pause]'' Jimmy... I thought... I thought it was a one-in-a-million chance that he'd come for us. I thought he would be caught if he did. And I told myself I was protecting you. But that's not the truth. The reason I didn't tell you was because I knew what you'd do.
:'''Jimmy:''' Wh-what would I do?
:'''Kim:''' You'd—you'd blame yourself. You'd fear for me. You'd want us to run and hide until you were sure I was safe. You would pull the plug on the scam, and then... ''[pause]'' ...and then, we'd break up. And I didn't want that. Because I was having too much ''fun''.
:''[Kim breaks down crying and returns to the bedroom to pack; Jimmy stands in the living room in silence]''

=== ''[[w:Nippy (Better Call Saul) | Nippy]]'' [6.10] ===
:''[Saul is confronted by Jeff after he unexpectedly shows up at his home]''
:'''Jeff''': Dude, what the fuck?!
:'''Saul''': I know, it's awkward, right? But you don't have to call me Dad. Yet.
:'''Jeff''': I don't know what this is about, but all I have to do is pick up the phone and it's &quot;Bye-bye, Saul Goodman.&quot;
:'''Saul''': Yeah, but you haven't picked up the phone yet, have ya? Or tried to strong-arm me for cash. And guess what? I know why. Because reward money—blackmail—that's not gonna tickle your pickle. I know what you really want. 
:'''Jeff''': Oh, yeah? What's that?
:'''Saul''': You want in the game.
:'''Jeff''': The game? What—what game?
:'''Saul''': The ''game.'' The one you've been watching your entire life. You got your nose pressed up against the glass, peering in while the big boys play.
:'''Jeff''': Speak English, man. What the hell are you talking about?
:'''Saul''': ''The game.'' It's right there. You can see it, but you can't touch it yet. ''[pause]'' Cars, clothes. The cash, the ladies. It's about knowing all the angles, you know? Putting all on the line and winning ''big.'' But here you are, Jeffy. Standing outside with the suckers, trying to pay off that cab, sweating the bills. You're getting older. It's—it's so close, but dammit you just can't get in! Until now. I can make it happen.
:'''Jeff''': ''[beat]'' You?
:'''Saul''': Saul Goodman. ''[pause]'' So, here's the deal. I will show you the game, and then we're done. 
:''[Jeff stares at Saul for another moment before smiling]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jeff runs around a maze in the outline of a mall. Jimmy, on a loudspeaker, shouts directions to him.]''
:'''Saul''': Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! HALT!
:''[Jeff stops, breathing heavily.]''
:'''Jeff:''' What?!
:'''Saul''': That's too many, you gotta be precise! Just three of each.
:'''Jeff:''' Why? And why do I gotta run around like an asshole?
:'''Saul''': I already told you! Three minutes, got it? That's our window!
:'''Jeff:''' Yeah, but why three minutes?
:'''Saul''': Because at three minutes, that's when security sees you on the cameras and the cops haul your ass to jail, alright? So let's go.
:'''Jeff:''' Wait, there's cameras?
:'''Saul''': Sure there's cameras! They erase the tapes every seventy-two hour, so that's why you only take three of each, and only the pricey stuff. When the store opens the next morning, they won't even know they were robbed. By the time they do inventory, abra cadabra, no more Jeffy on the tape! Right, so, three items, three minutes... It's easy. Let's go.
:''[Jeff walks back to the start of the maze.]''
:'''Saul''': How many of each?
:'''Jeff:''' Three...
:'''Saul''': Pigs get fat, hogs get slaughtered!
:'''Jeff:''' I don't know...
:'''Saul''': What don't you know?
:'''Jeff:''' Just, this whole thing, it seems crazy!
:'''Saul''': Is this too hot for you?! Ju— You know what, just say so! You know what? Screw it. &quot;Crazy?&quot; I'll tell you what's crazy! [[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad) | Fifty-year-old high school chemistry teacher]] [[w:Breaking Bad | comes into my office. The guy is so broke, he can't pay his own mortgage. One year later, he's got a pile of cash as big as a Volkswagen.]] ''That's'' crazy.
:'''Jeff's Friend:''' I'll do it.
:'''Jeff:''' This sounds good to you?
:'''Jeff's Friend:''' I think it'll work. 
:'''Saul''': Well, look at you! Hey, you're young. You're probably, uh... Fast in the feet, huh?
:'''Jeff:''' O-Okay, I didn't say I wouldn't do it! I just... Had some questions about, like... Logistics.
:'''Saul''': Are you in or out?
:'''Jeff:''' In.
:'''Saul''': ''[sighs]'' Okay, back to one. ''[He speaks into the loudspeaker as Jeff sets himself up.]'' Check, test, one-two, one-two.  Okay! And ready, set, action!
:''[Jeff begins running.]''
:'''Saul''': Move, move, move! Pick up the pace! Go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! Let's go, let's go, let's go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[On the night of the robbery, Saul watches Jeff through the mall cameras while one of the security guards, Frank, is eating a Cinnabon roll with his back facing the cameras.]'' 
:'''Saul''': How about that 44-21 win against the Cavs?
:'''Frank''': Be still my heart. ''[laughs]''
:'''Saul''': Seventy-six yard pass to Reggie Ball, and–and never sacked once. 
:'''Frank''': Wow, you have got quite the memory.
:'''Saul''': ...Yeah, well—I'll tell you what. I can remember every stitch of clothing I was wearing during that game, but ask me what I had for dinner and... ''[whistles]'' Clean slate.
:'''Frank''': Tell me about it! ''[Saul checks his stopwatch, which is at two minutes and fifteen seconds]'' Well, I'll tell ya: If you're not passing the ball, that's what's gonna happen. ''[eats another bite]'' Mmm! 
:''[Eventually, Jeff runs with the last round of clothes when he slips and falls. Saul chokes on his coffee.]''
:'''Frank''': You okay?
:'''Saul''': ''[coughs]'' Wrong pipe.
:'''Frank''': Oh, okay. So, you think our guys are move to the Big Ten like they're sayin'?
:'''Saul''': ''[pause]'' Big Ten?
:'''Frank''': Yeah, you know, maybe they're just chasing the almighty dollar if you ask me. I mean, both powerhouses of course. But, you know what? You got Oklahoma and Texas over here. But Michigan, Ohio State over there! ''[Saul looks nervously at the cameras]'' I... I don't know. Guess  I like tradition. ''[chuckles; sighs as he takes yet another bite]'' So good. Just amazing. Wow. 
:''[After Saul realizes Jeff is out cold, he fakes a nervous breakdown to distract Frank]''
:'''Saul''': God, what am I doing?
:'''Frank''': What?
:'''Saul''': ''[cries out again as Frank turns his head towards the cameras]'' Look at me! Wha—I don't know what... ''[sobs]'' Oh, Jesus! 
:'''Frank''': Gene?
:'''Saul''': Oh, God. You... you have a wife, right, Frank?
:'''Frank''': Yeah.
:'''Saul''': Yeah?
:'''Frank''': Yeah.
:'''Saul''': She's waiting for you? ''[Frank nods]'' Look at me. I got... I got no one. My parents are dead. [[w:Chuck McGill | My brother]]... ''[beat; looks down]'' My brother is dead. I, uh... I don't have a wife. No kids, no friends. If I die tonight, no one would care. What difference would it make?
:''[Saul looks up again and notices Jeff slowly getting himself up]''
:'''Frank''': Gene, buddy... I—I'm sure you mean a lot to... to a lot of—lots of people. ''[turns his head around]''
:'''Saul''': ''[slams fist on table]'' If I die tonight, my landlord would pack up my stuff. It'd take him three hours. And Cinnabon would just hire a new manager. Gene who?! Poof, I'd be gone! I'd be... a–a ghost. No, not a ghost. I'd be a... a shadow. I'd just mean ''nothing.'' I mean, Frank... What's the ''point'', Frank? What's the...
:''[Saul sees Jeff put away the clothes in the box. He groans as he watches Jeff run out of the warehouse, then claps when he's out of sight]''
:'''Saul''': ''[sighs]'' I'm sorry. You didn't need to hear that.
:'''Frank''': No, no, no. That's–that's okay. No, that is okay. Everybody has bad days.
:'''Saul''': You've felt like this?
:'''Frank''': ...No. I mean, not me, but... people. I think a lot of people.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Saul''': You guys enjoying yourselves? Well, hold to that feeling, 'cause this is it.
:'''Jeff''': Yeah, we know.
:'''Saul''': Well, in case you forget, you transported stolen goods with a value exceeding $5,000. And the truck you used to do it was rented in Council Bluffs across state lines.
:'''Jeff''': You told us to rent the truck over there, so—
:'''Saul''': ''[motions for Jeff to stop talking]'' Theft from an interstate shipment, up to ten years. Transportation of stolen goods, another ten years. Sale of stolen goods, ten years. Conspiracy to commit a federal crime—
:'''Jeff's Friend''': Whoa, hold on. Conspiracy? It was your idea.
:'''Saul''': Yeah. It's called mutually assured destruction, so... if I go down, you go down.
:'''Jeff''': Man, you don't have to threaten us. We're all friends, here.
:'''Saul''': I am not your friend. And if you get greedy, and you decide to come back for more, ''don't.'' Gene Takavic, you've never heard of him. Cottonwood Mall, you don't go there. You see me comin', you cross to the other side of the street. 
:'''Jeff''': Dude.
:'''Saul''': Now, I need you to say it. We're done.
:'''Jeff''': ''[pause; laughs]'' Come on! 
:'''Saul''': Say it. ''We're done. '''Say it.'''''
:'''Jeff''': ''[beat; looks at his friend briefly]'' We're done.
:'''Jeff's Friend''': We're–we're done.

=== [6.11] ===

=== [6.12] ===

=== [6.13] ===

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Better Call Saul seasons]]
[[Category:Split television seasons]]</text>
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      <parentid>3147967</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T01:49:26Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
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        <id>3100809</id>
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----
:'''Season''' [[Better Call Saul (season 1)|1]] [[Better Call Saul (season 2)|2]] [[Better Call Saul (season 3)|3]] [[Better Call Saul (season 4)|4]] [[Better Call Saul (season 5)|5]] [[Better Call Saul (season 6)|6]] | [[Better Call Saul|'''Main''']]
----

The following is a list of quotes from the sixth season of ''[[Better Call Saul]]''.

=== ''[[w:Wine and Roses|Wine and Roses]]'' [6.01] ===
:''[Mike, Gus, and Tyrus gather in the office trailer at the Los Pollos Hermanos chicken farm to discuss the aftermath of the attempted hit on Lalo Salamanca.]''
:'''Gus:''' Tell me again about the ''sicario'' who made the final report.
:'''Tyrus:''' He was already wounded when he talked to our cutout. Federales found him dead at the scene. But they got Salamanca.
:'''Gus:''' The mercenaries are dead. To a man. And yet their mission was a success?
:'''Mike:''' It has been known to happen. Now you go down there and get Varga, bring him home safe. There's ways to do it on the quiet. 
:''[Long pause; Gus and Tyrus both stare at him.]''
:'''Mike:''' ''[scoffs]'' ...Unless you already have something in the works.
:''[Tyrus turns and exits the trailer. Mike and Gus speak alone.]''
:'''Gus:''' Speak your mind.
:'''Mike:''' Loyalty goes both ways. Varga's done everything you asked him. 
:'''Gus:''' He wasn't given a choice.
:'''Mike:''' Maybe so, but he played a tough game. And he played it on the square. 
:'''Gus:''' ...And?
:'''Mike:''' When all is said and done, the kid deserves your respect.
:'''Gus:''' He has it. Is there more you wish to say?
:''[After a long pause, Mike exits the trailer.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim have dinner at a diner; conversation turns to the Ford Taurus that Jimmy has rented.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' I rented us a car. It's the Ford.
:'''Kim:''' So Saul Goodman drives a brown Ford Taurus?
:'''Jimmy:''' Detroit calls that taupe, I believe.
:'''Kim:''' Don't you think Saul Goodman would drive something with a little more... flair?
:'''Jimmy:''' Such as?
:'''Kim:''' I don't know. Definitely American-made. Something showy. And Saul Goodman has an office. Something eye-catching. Good location.
:'''Jimmy:''' By the courthouse?
:'''Kim:''' Yeah. A cathedral of justice.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Ooooh'', a cathedral of justice. Okay, yeah.
:'''Kim:''' We should start looking for something for you. I mean, for Saul.
:'''Jimmy:''' Sold. When do we start?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At the courthouse, Jimmy is confronted by the district attorney who prosecuted Lalo during his bail hearing]''
:'''ADA Khalil''': I've been calling you for two days.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, my girl's out sick. What can I do you for?
:'''ADA Khalil''': Tomorrow morning, 10 A.M.
:'''Jimmy''': Brunch? But just you and me, right? ''[points at Detective Roberts]'' I mean, won't the big fella here feel like a third wheel?
:'''ADA Khalil''': You and I are meeting Parson in chambers. I am asking for an emergency hearing to alter the terms of De Guzman's release.
:'''Jimmy''': Sounds like a blast. Unfortunately, I'm booked solid. 
:'''Detective Roberts''': I checked your client's place of residence. The address he gave, it's a Dairy Queen in Altamonte. The family that showed at the bail hearing can't be located. No driver's license, no tax rolls, no school records. Nothing. The fact is, there isn't a single Elizabeth McKinnon under the age of 73 living in New Mexico.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, this is–this is surprising.
:'''ADA Khalil''': Your client has disappeared, and I'm not waiting six weeks to start looking for him.
:'''Jimmy''': Hey, my guy put up seven million in bail. You think he's just gonna walk away from that?
:'''Detective Roberts''': Who comes up with seven million bucks in cash?
:'''ADA Khalil''': You know what I think? I think the family was fake. ''[to Jimmy]'' And I think you knew it the whole time.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, hold up. Just get real for a second. The hearing didn't go your way, and now you're trying for a do-over? You say my guy ran, I say he's got seven million reasons for showing up when he's legally required to do so. So, no, I won't be... uh, due process window dressing at any crash meeting with Parson. And if you try throwing any of this crap around in front of the judge without my presence, here's an accusation: Prosecutorial misconduct. ''Career-ending'' prosecutorial misconduct!
:'''Detective Roberts''': None of that changes the fact the guy's not who he said he was.
:'''Jimmy''': No, no, no! Hold on! You guys got caught with your pants around your ankles, and somehow that's on me?! I don't think so! ''[points at ADA Khalil]''  You got two dozen lawyers up there! You got investigators—you got the whole damn police force—and it's ''my'' fault that you can't keep track of Lalo?! ''That is '''not''' my job!''
:'''ADA Khalil''': Lalo? Who's Lalo?
:'''Jimmy''': What?! ''[blinks hard]'' What did I say... I meant De Guzman. I have more than one client! ''[chuckles]'' So... ''[clears throat]'' I will see you at the preliminary in six weeks as scheduled. Until then, I have clients who need me.
:''[Jimmy walks into an empty courtroom and sits down while contemplating his slip-up]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy takes a guided tour of the country club where Howard and Cliff are members, meeting with a tour guide named Norm in the main lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Hi, Norm Wakely. I understand you're in the market for a tour.
:'''Jimmy:''' That's right. Saul Goodman.
:'''Norm:''' Great to meet you, Mr. Goodman. 
:'''Jimmy:''' No please, call me Saul.
:'''Norm:''' Great. So Saul, can I get you anything before we get started? The coffee here is just unbeatable. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh, well, I'm fine. I'm fully caffeinated. 
:''[Kevin Wachtell walks into the room and becomes upset upon seeing Jimmy in the lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Well Saul, you and I are standing on hallowed ground. Five presidents have played on our course, starting with Dwight D. Eisenhower. But the story goes back even further than that–
:'''Kevin:''' ''Norm.''
:''[Jimmy and Norm turn toward Kevin.]''
:'''Kevin:''' Can I have a sec, please?
:'''Jimmy:''' Kevin, hey. How's it going?
:'''Norm:''' Uh, I'm sorry. I'm sure this will just be a moment.
:''[Norm goes over to Kevin and talks to him for a few moments, clearly being instructed to remove Jimmy from the premises.]''
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman. I'm so sorry, but I've just been reminded that in fact we have a two-year waiting list.
:'''Jimmy:''' Two years, wow. Maybe I could go on the tour anyway. I mean, 'cause I'm here. Just in case.
:'''Norm:''' Well unfortunately, we've suspended tours for the moment.
:'''Jimmy:''' You're not even giving tours?
:'''Norm:''' I apologize for the inconvenience. We–we'll be happy to call you if the situation changes. You left your number?
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh-huh.
:'''Norm:''' Well, we'll be in touch. If the situation changes. Again, I–I am sorry for your time and trouble. We just– ''[sighs]'' We had a few crosswires.
:'''Jimmy:''' Well... okay then.
:'''Norm:''' Thank you.
:''[Jimmy is about the leave the lounge, but impulsively stops, turns around, and approaches Norm again.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Norm:''' Oh, yes.
:'''Jimmy:''' Um, just so I understand: you were going to give me a tour and then realized you don't need new members?
:'''Norm:''' We have a waiting list.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, but you're the membership director... 
:'''Norm:''' I know.
:'''Jimmy:''' ...so you would have known that before. It doesn't really add up. I mean, I came in and everyone was rolling out the red carpet, and then all of a sudden something changed. I don't–
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman, I–
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Goodman.'' The name. The second you heard it, everything turned on a dime. Wow. Waiting list? I think you're talking about an ''exclusion'' list. It's okay, I should have known. Because, I mean, look! ''[raises his voice and walks to the middle of the lounge, where everyone can see him]'' It's wall-to-wall mayonnaise in here! So listen, if you're going to be restrictive, have the courage to say so!
:'''Norm:''' There's no question–
:'''Jimmy:''' There it is, folks! Anti-Semitism, alive and well right here in Albuquerque!
:'''Norm:''' Sir! We have many Jewish members!
:'''Jimmy:''' Oh good. Well, you met your quota then. Gold star for you.
:''[Kevin, flanked by two of his golf buddies, interjects.]''
:'''Kevin:''' Hold on. That's gotta be the biggest load of horse crap I've ever heard in my life. Go crawl back in your hole, McGill or Goodman – whatever you're calling yourself. What are you up to, anyway? Ginning up another one of your put-up job lawsuits? You two-faced, blackmailing, money-grubbing son of a bitch–
:'''Jimmy:''' Money-grubbing! You're saying the quiet part out loud, I think.
:'''Norm:''' Gentlemen, can we just keep the volume down?
:'''Kevin:''' You know damn well that's not what I meant!
:'''Jimmy:''' In this day and age, I'd hoped and prayed we'd be beyond this.
:'''Kevin:''' You're about as Jewish as my Aunt Fannie!
:'''Jimmy:''' Five-thousand years and it never ends!
:''[Kevin tries to take a swing at Jimmy, but is held back by his golf buddies.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Here it is! Violence! It always comes to this!''
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Wachtell, please!
:'''Kevin's Buddy:''' Come on, Kev.
:'''Kevin:''' ''[to Jimmy]'' You go to hell, you lying sack of shit.
:''[Kevin and his golf buddies leave the lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Sir. Mr. Goodman, I don't know what to say. That is not–
:'''Jimmy:''' I wouldn't be a member here. I wouldn't walk through those doors again after what happened to me here today. ''[feigns tears]'' Do you at least have a bathroom that I could use, seeing as how my– Stress like that is hell on my diverticulitis. 
:'''Norm:''' The men's locker room is the closest. It's straight through there.
:'''Jimmy:''' And I would be allowed to go in there?
:'''Norm:''' Yes, of course.
:'''Jimmy:''' I want you to know I don't blame you personally. I know you were just following orders. ''[to everyone in the lounge]'' It's okay, folks! I'm leaving! All is well!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo is preparing to be smuggled across the border with a group of undocumented immigrants when he decides to call the Casa Tranquila Nursing Home and speak to Hector. A nurse holds a phone up to Hector's ear in the common room. Hector uses his bell to communicate.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle, can you hear me? Do you know my voice?
:''[Hector visibly recognizes Lalo's voice.]''
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings bell twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' They told you about the attack, didn't they?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Let them keep believing I'm dead. So much the better. It was the chicken man. That coward sat up there in the north while his paramilitaries came into my home. My home, Uncle! Screw Bolsa, screw Eladio. I'm coming north. I'm going to hurt him. Hurt him like you taught me. And then I will kill him. 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings repeatedly in agreement]''
:'''Lalo:''' What is it?
:''[The nurse takes the phone from Hector.]''
:'''Nurse:''' Hector? ''[to Lalo]'' Excuse me. I'm so sorry, but Hector seems a little upset.
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. Um, I'm just– I'm sharing a bit of family news, some good, some bad. Would you mind putting him back on? It will only be a minute.
:'''Nurse:''' Of course.
:''[The nurse again holds the phone to Hector's ear.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' What is it? Do you have another idea? 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' Okay, let's see. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, Ñ, O, P–
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' P? That's right?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Okay. What's next? A, B, C, D...
:''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings twice.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ...L, M, N, Ñ...
:''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings once.]''
:'''Lalo:''' U? ''Prueba?'' 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Is that what you're saying? Proof?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' Uncle, I don't have any proof. For months I was in the north watching him, following his men. There was nothing.
:''[Lalo has a flash of realization.]''
:'''Lalo:''' Wait... There is proof. I know where to find it. Goodbye, Uncle. You will see me soon.

=== ''[[w:Carrot and Stick|Carrot and Stick]]'' [6.02] ===
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;I was a hard worker. I was a company man. Twenty years, and I didn't miss a single day. They even gave me a plaque for it. ''[sighs]'' It was a gold plaque. Perfect attendance... But when they handed it to me, I wrenched my back. I was in so much pain, I couldn't do my job... ''[sighs again]'' which meant I couldn't put food on the table. I didn't want to sue... but with a family to support, what choice did I have?&quot;
:'''Kim''': Wait, who are you supposed to be again?
:'''Jimmy''': Whatever. The backstory is just a placeholder. I'm gonna polish the script once we cast.
:'''Kim''': But a personal injury suit? Best case scenario, that gets him in with an associate.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[throws hands up]'' Mesothelioma. ''[clears his throat]'' &quot;When I took that job down at the shoe factory, I had no idea I was risking my life. Now, I can't stop coughin'!&quot; Right? Come on! Hey, a mesothelioma class-action built Clifford Main his vacation house. He hears &quot;mesothelioma,&quot; his eyes pop!
:'''Kim''': Well, sure. But then he takes the case. What happens when he asks for a medical evaluation? And how does Howard come up?
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, ask me why I'm here.
:'''Kim''': What brings you to Davis &amp; Main today?
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;I'm sick. I'm really sick...&quot;
:'''Kim''': Good.
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;...and it's not mesothelioma, but it's not good. And I need a lawyer, and the pickings are slim. I already went to HHM. I met with their top guy, Howard Hamlin, and uh... Uhhh, I–I got a brother-in-law and he's got a pretty nasty coke habit, very similar energy. Just put me off. Anyway, I need a lawyer, blah-blah-blah.&quot;
:'''Kim''': Okay, but you got a bad feeling from just one meeting?
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, I had the brother-in-law with the coke.
:'''Kim''': Yeah, but you were only in the room with him once.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, so it's gotta be something with a history with Howard.
:'''Kim''': Yeah.
:'''Jimmy''': But Cliff has to want to take the meeting, but not the case.
:'''Kim''': Right. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[sighs]'' It's gotta be good, but not too good.
:'''Kim''': Exactly. There's a sweet spot, you know. Like a magnet. We–we pull Cliff in, and then repel him. ''[beat]'' Oh!
:'''Jimmy''': What?
:'''Kim''': ''[sighs]'' You are going to ''hate'' this...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy tracks down the Kettlemans to their shady tax preparation office and tries to rope them into his and Kim's plan to ruin Howard]'' 
:'''Betsy''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've got some nerve coming here after what you did! ''[shoves Jimmy]'' ''Leave!'' Because of you, we lost ''everything!'' Our kids are in public school! So why don't you go crawl back under whatever slime-covered rock you came from and leave us the heck alone?! 
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, I sense some anger here, but that's–that's perfectly understandable. Since you brought it up, I came here today because I was curious if you two wanted your lives back. There's actually a legal term for it: Exoneration. 
:'''Craig''': Oh. You know, we actually did look into that.
:'''Betsy''': Yep.
:'''Craig''': We went to a number of lawyers, and—
:'''Betsy''': ''Real'' lawyers.
:'''Craig''': Yes. They were all terrific, but they said that it was impossible.
:'''Betsy''': ''Mm-hmm''.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, but those lawyers don't know what I know.
:'''Craig''': What's that?
:'''Betsy''': No, Craig. He's got an angle.
:'''Jimmy''': I ''do'' have an angle, Craig. It's an angle called justice. ''[Betsy scoffs and snickers]'' Let me put it this way: I think that within Craig's case, I have found the grounds for a civil suit. A big one. ''[pause; quietly]'' Big. 
:'''Betsy''': ''[long pause; looks at Craig]'' Okay, then. Let's hear it.
:'''Jimmy''': Let's hold your horses, because we've been down this road before. [[w:Uno (Better Call Saul)|And the last time I gave you two advice, you went straight to the competition with it.]] ''[pulls out a piece of paper from inside his suit]'' So, I just need some assurances that all my hard work isn't gonna end up in the hands of, uh, Clifford Main or some other asshole at some pretentious high-pay, white-shoe law firm. So before we talk turkey, letters of engagement. 
:'''Craig''': Yes.
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, you remember these. I made some updates, just closed a few loopholes and whatnot. So... ''[holds out paper and pen]''
:'''Betsy''': ''[stops Craig from taking the pen]'' We're not signing anything.
:'''Jimmy''': You have to sign if you want to know what I know. 
:'''Betsy''': ''We're not signing.''
:'''Jimmy''': Really? You're sure?
:'''Betsy''': Yep.
:'''Jimmy''': Craig?
:'''Craig''': ''[looks at Betsy before shaking his head]'' Thanks anyway.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[unclicks pen]'' Alright. Well, uh... Sorry we couldn't work something out.
:'''Betsy''': I'm sure you are.
:''[Jimmy overhears Betsy and Craig arguing as he walks around the trailer. He balls the pen in his fist]''
:'''Craig''': Mr. Goodman!
:'''Jimmy''': ''[smiles; clicks pen and takes out letter]'' Best decision you've ever made. ''[turns his back to Craig for him to sign the letter]'' Here you go.
:'''Betsy''': ''[after Craig signs the letter]'' So what do you know?
:'''Jimmy''': You got one, too, Betsy. ''[holds out another letter]''
:''[Betsy snatches the pen and paper from Jimmy and signs the letter while pressing the pen hard on Jimmy's back]'' 
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, come on. That's not... ''Ow''. All right. Well, we're officially in business. Now, I have it on good authority here that Craig was not given proper counsel. 
:'''Betsy''': We already knew that.
:'''Jimmy''': But did you ask yourselves why?
:'''Craig''': No. Why?
:'''Jimmy''': What if I told you that in your hour of need, the person who was supposed to be on your side was impaired?
:'''Craig''': Impaired?
:'''Jimmy''': It's a... a person of substance. ''[as Betsy and Craig talk to each other quietly]'' Substance in question being a certain illegal white powder.
:'''Betsy''': That awful woman with the ponytail is a cocaine addict.
:'''Jimmy''': No, not Kim Wexler! No! Craig's lead attorney, Howard Hamlin! 
:'''Craig''': Oh. I thought he was so... professional and energetic. Upbeat. 
:'''Betsy''': Oh...
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;Oh,&quot; is right.
:'''Craig''': So upbeat is bad?
:'''Jimmy''': In this case, it's textbook malpractice. The magic phrase is, &quot;ineffective assistance of counsel.&quot; If your guy wasn't nose deep in the devil's dandruff, well, Craig's case would've turned out completely different.
:'''Craig''': Oh, my God! 
:'''Betsy''': Don't we need some kind of proof?
:'''Jimmy''': All the dirty laundry comes out in discovery. It’s just trips to rehab, secret drug deals. All we gotta do is get the ball rolling. So, I say we get started on your affidavits. 
:'''Craig''': Yes.
:'''Betsy''': About that. We happen to know a thing or two about our rights, Mr. McGill. And it doesn’t matter what you force us to sign. We don’t have to work with any lawyer we don’t want. ''[gets in Jimmy's face]'' And that means... you’re fired. 
:'''Jimmy''': I am not fired.
:'''Betsy''': Oh yes, you are!
:'''Jimmy''': No! No!
:'''Craig''': He’s fired?
:'''Betsy''': Craig! 
:'''Jimmy''': No, you can’t fire me! I found this case, it’s mine! Hey, you wanna hear about rights?! The second you say where you got this information from, guess who automatically gets a cut?! ''Me! So go ahead! Go ahead, see what happens!''
:''[Jimmy pretends to be upset after the Kettlemans leave, but slowly starts smiling as he walks away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gus and Juan Bolsa visit Hector at Casa Tranquila to send their condolences, still believing that Lalo is dead. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Bolsa''': He wishes to make amends. At least hear him out.
:'''Gus''': Don Hector. It's no secret that I did not see eye to eye with your nephew. And while the friction between your family and myself did not start with him, today I am reminded we are all Eladio's men. No matter our disagreements, a strike against one is a strike against all. I hope you will accept my condolences and my support as you navigate this terrible loss.
:'''Bolsa''': Gustavo speaks the truth. In this matter, he and I both stand shoulder to shoulder behind the Salamanca family. We are still looking for the traitor, Ignacio Varga. ''[places hand on Hector's shoulder]'' We will find him. And then your family will have justice.
:''[Hector slowly reaches his hand out to Gus. As Gus holds his hand, he notices a change of expression on Hector's face and stares at him. Cut to outside the nursing home.]'' 
:'''Bolsa''': ''[to Gus in English]'' We'll be in touch.
:''[Gus calls Mike on his cell phone after Bolsa drives away]''
:'''Mike''': What did you learn?
:'''Gus''': Lalo Salamanca lives.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy gets a call from Betsy Kettleman after she finds out there was no case against Howard]''
:'''Jimmy''': Saul Goodman, speedy justice for you. Oh, wait! Okay, just take a breath, and then we can... Okay, okay. I can tell you're upset. Just... I–I never advised that. No. ''[sighs]'' No, I did not, so let's agree to disagree. ''[pause]'' Okay, I think you're going to want to meet in person before you do anything rash. So how about–how about we meet up, and we can hash this out. ''[pause]'' Yeah, sure! Tomorrow, first thing. Uh, 9 A.M, I can come to your office. That work? ...Okay, okay! Good! ''[hangs up]'' 
:'''Kim''': I'm surprised it took them this long. You, uh... You're gonna use the stick, right? 
:'''Jimmy''': The stick? Well, it's a big stick. But I know these people, they're more carrot types. Especially her. ''[takes out cash and puts the bills in his suit pocket]'' Spoonful of sugar, you know?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' I think maybe I'll come, too.
:'''Jimmy''': Tomorrow? Really?
:'''Kim''': Sure. I have time.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tyrus''': They found the truck, but no sign of Varga. Salamancas have all eyes looking for him, including the federales. Still not picking up his cell, so nobody got a lock on it. Now as for Lalo, still missing. As far as everybody in the cartel is concerned, top to bottom, Lalo is dead.
:'''Mike''': May I offer a thought? ''[pause; to Gus]'' If Salamanca was coming straight for you, he'd be here already. We've got guys watching anywhere he might turn up this side of Mexico. Wire taps on any phone he might call. There is not a whiff of him. Now, my guess is he's smart enough to know it's not in the Salamanca family interest to take you out without a reason the bosses can get behind. So, the odds are he's searching for Varga. Finds him alive, gets him to talk. ''[pause; Gus remains silent]'' Varga's alone in foreign territory, no one he can trust. The kid's smart, but he's not gonna last. ''[Gus stands up]'' He's gonna get caught.
:''[Gus accidentally knocks a glass over and kneels down to pick up the shards from the floor]''
:'''Gus''': Continue.
:'''Mike''': The best way to handle this: I take four of our best guys, cross the border and track Varga down. Let me find him, bring him back before the Salamancas sweep him up. It's our only play.
:''[After cleaning up the broken glass, Gus throws it away and looks out a nearby window]''
:'''Gus''': ''[beat; in Spanish]'' Varga's father. Bring him here.
:'''Mike''': No. You're not doing that. ''[locks the door after Tyrus gets his gun out]'' You don't understand. That's not happening. 
:'''Tyrus''': ''[walks up to Mike and aims gun at him]'' Just say the word.
:'''Mike''': Whatever happens next... it's not gonna go down the way you think it is.
:''[Mike stares at Tyrus, who cocks his gun and waits for Mike to make a move.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[beat; hears cell phone vibrating]'' It's him.
:'''Tyrus''': Bullshit. I've been calling Varga for hours. He hasn't picked up once. 
:'''Mike''': He's been trying to get me since he left the Salamancas. ''[opens phone]'' You want me to answer it?
:''[Tyrus turns to Gus, who nods. Mike answers the phone and speaks to Nacho]''
:'''Mike''': Yeah. ''[pause]'' Yeah. ...Not my call. ''[pause]'' That's up to you. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Betsy:''' You used us &amp;ndash; us and our good name &amp;ndash; to character-assassinate Howard Hamlin. Somehow, some way, it benefits you to tear him down.
:'''Craig:''' Yeah. And we're&amp;ndash;we're mad.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, yeah. I'm hearing a lot of unfounded accusations being tossed around. I don't know anything about schemes or character assassination or whatnot, but... ''[clears throat]'' if you're feeling slighted, we can make it right. ''[Jimmy hands Betsy a bundle of cash]''
:'''Betsy:''' Money? ''[scoffs]'' Money's not gonna take care of this.
:'''Jimmy:''' Money takes care of everything. Isn't that the motto stitched onto the Kettleman family crest?
:'''Betsy:''' We don't want money. 
:'''Jimmy:''' I am non-plussed. I'm guessing you want something.
:'''Betsy:''' Do what you promised.
:'''Jimmy:''' Do what I what?
:'''Betsy:''' Exonerate Craig. Get his good name back. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright. Well, as you've been advised, for a number of reasons that's not gonna happen.
:'''Betsy:''' It ''is'' gonna happen. It is. It's... You're just gonna have to figure out a way.
:'''Craig:''' If anyone can do this, it's you.
:'''Betsy:''' I know you don't want us going to Howard Hamlin. Because whatever it is you're up to, I'm sure he would be ''very'' interested.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, let's just go easy on the threats.
:'''Betsy:''' We want our lives back! The way they were before. ''Before.'' We lost everything! And we don't deserve any of this.
:'''Kim:''' Okay. Enough carrot. ''[clears throat]''
:''[Kim turns to the home phone next to her and begins to dial]''
:'''Craig:''' Dial 9 to get out.
:'''Kim:''' Oh, thank you.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering; to Craig]'' We didn't give her permission to use the phone.
:'''Craig:''' ''[whispering; to Betsy]'' She needs to use the phone.
:'''Jimmy:''' Kim... ?
:''[The line connects; Kim speaks through the phone's speaker]''
:'''Receptionist:''' Internal Revenue Service, Albuquerque.
:'''Kim:''' Hi. Could you put me through to Justin Stangel in Criminal Investigations? 
:'''Receptionist:''' One moment, please.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[to Kim]'' What are you doing? Excuse me!
:'''Justin:''' This is Justin.
:'''Kim:''' Justin, Kim Wexler. How are you?
:'''Justin:''' Hey, Kim. Good to hear from you.
:'''Kim:''' How are Noreen and the boys?
:'''Justin:''' Oh, hanging in. Noreen always talks about having you by for dinner some time.
:'''Kim:''' We should do that. Tell her to call me. Listen, I was wondering who your CID officer is these days.
:'''Justin:''' You have something for us?
:'''Kim:''' Oh, I just might: Tax preparer fraud. A lot of it.
:'''Justin:''' I'm listening.
:'''Kim:''' Well, it's this, uh, run-down little mom-and-pop outfit I've had my eye on for a while. ''[chuckles]'' Don't ask me why. Clearly, I need to get a life. But from what I can glean, their clients always end up with smaller refunds than they deserve.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering]'' Please don't do this.
:'''Justin:''' Do the clients sign over third-party authorization?
:'''Kim:''' Bingo. So what I'm thinking is, these creeps file legit returns with you guys, give the clients fake ones that show about half the proper amount, and then pocket the difference. 
:'''Justin:''' Classic scam. Well, I know just the guy to go after these dirtbags. Tony Oropallo. Real bulldog. I'll transfer you over.
:'''Kim:''' Such a big help, Justin.
:'''Justin:''' You got it. Talk soon.
:'''Betsy:''' You don't have to do this.
:'''Kim:''' ''[to Betsy]'' Don't I? Betsy... You'll probably get twenty-four months, maybe eighteen with good behavior. But Craig? You are a two-time loser. They will definitely make an example out of you. Each false return they discover will be a separate felony. What are we talking? A hundred?
:'''Betsy:''' Uh...
:'''Kim:''' Two-hundred? 
:'''Tony:''' ''[beat]'' CID, Anthony Oropallo speaking.
:''[Betsy runs to the phone and slams down the receiver to end the call]''
:'''Betsy:''' Please. We'll do anything. Just tell us.
:'''Kim:''' ''[beat]'' Why would I believe ''you?'' Huh?
:'''Craig:''' Please. 
:'''Kim:''' ''[long pause]'' First. First, you contact every person you've ripped off. Tell them you made an accounting error, tell them you're crooks who had a change of heart, I don't care. Give them what they are legally owed. Everything you stole. And then after that, you're going to forget you ever heard the name Howard Hamlin. I'm keeping my eye on both of you. You think you've lost everything? ''You have no idea.''
:''[Kim leaves the room with Jimmy while the Kettlemans stand shellshocked, on the verge of tears]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy:''' [[w:Inflatable (Better Call Saul)|Wolves and sheep]].
:'''Kim:''' Huh?
:'''Jimmy:''' ...Nothing.

=== ''[[w:Rock and Hard Place|Rock and Hard Place]]'' [6.03] ===
:''[Nacho calls his father from an auto shop while on the run]''
:'''Manuel''': A-to-Z Fine Upholstery. Hello?
:'''Nacho''': Dad. It's me.
:'''Manuel''': Nacho?
:'''Nacho''': ''Si'', Papa. ''Hola''.
:'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' ''Hola, hijo.'' ''[in Spanish]'' How are you?
:'''Nacho''': ''[in Spanish]'' Good, good. Um... just wanted to hear your voice.
:'''Manuel''': Nacho, where are you? You sound strange.
:''[pause]''
:'''Nacho''': It's not important.... I was just checking in, that's all.
:'''Manuel''': Okay. ''Hijo'', I have lots of work to do. We've been through this, so many times. You know what you have to do... go to the police.
:'''Nacho''': Yes, Papa. I understand... I hear you.
:''[pause]''
:'''Manuel''': What else is there to say? Hmm? Goodbye, ''hijo''.
:'''Nacho''': ''[choked up]'' Goodbye, Papa.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Nacho calls Mike at an auto repair shop in Mexico while on the run from the Salamancas]''
:'''Mike''': Yeah.
:'''Nacho''': It's me.
:'''Mike''': Yeah.
:'''Nacho''': You knew. You knew that I was going to Mexico to die, that I was never supposed to make it out of that motel. And you let it happen.
:'''Mike''': Not my call.
:'''Nacho''': What happens now?
:'''Mike''': That's up to you. 
:'''Nacho''': Is that bastard with you? Put him on.
:'''Mike''': Hmm. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you.
:'''Gus''': ''[takes cell phone from Mike; to Nacho]'' Yes.
:'''Nacho''': You are screwed. ''[pause]'' You want the cartel to blame me for Lalo. But if they catch me, and make me talk? ''Ooh...'' That is not good for you, is it? Even if I disappear, everyone's gonna smell your stink all over it. The only way that this works for you is with me dead. ''[beat]'' Alright. Whatever bullshit way you want the story to go, I will make it go. But... I need one thing. 
:'''Gus''': Yes?
:'''Nacho''': My dad. I need to know that he will be safe.
:'''Gus''': If you are true to your word, there will be no reason for anyone to harm your father.
:'''Nacho''': ''You'' are not the one that I need to hear it from.
:''[Gus puts the phone on speaker so Mike can speak to Nacho]''
:'''Mike''': Your dad's gonna be okay.
:'''Nacho''': How do you know?
:'''Mike''': Because anyone who goes after him is gonna have to come through me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Huell sit in a car; Jimmy pays Huell for duplicating the keys to Howard's Jaguar]''
:'''Huell:''' Can I ask you sum'n?
:'''Jimmy:''' Sure, go ahead.
:'''Huell:''' Personal, kind of.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay. What?
:'''Huell:''' You're a lawyer. You make good money, right?
:'''Jimmy:''' Good days and bad, but yeah.
:'''Huell:''' Legit money, on the level.
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah, so?
:'''Huell:''' Your wife's a lawyer. A legit lawyer.
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah.
:'''Huell:''' Why you do all this? 
:'''Jimmy:''' Oh, I got you. I&amp;ndash;I know from the outside that this looks like just another scam, but you're not seeing the bigger picture. Couple months from now, there are people whose lives are gonna be way better. Because of this. We're making a real difference. Trust me. We're doing the Lord's work here. 
:'''Huell:''' ''Hmph''. If you say so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': What's going on?
:'''Kim''': I have news, Jimmy. Lalo is dead.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[exhales deeply]'' Holy shit. 
:'''Kim''': The DA's office put it together that Lalo was calling himself De Guzman. They are pretty upset they let him go.
:'''Jimmy''': I'll bet they are.
:'''Kim''': Ericsen seems to think that if Lalo lied to you and you didn't know about the pseudonym, that you could break confidentiality. She wants you to talk. She says it's right.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, what do you think we should do?
:'''Kim''': You... should do whatever you want, Jimmy. They don't have anything on you. It's just a fishing expedition to see if you bite.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' You think I should do it?
:'''Kim''': It depends.  
:'''Jimmy''': On what?
:'''Kim''': Well... ''[sighs]'' I guess it's basically... Do you want to be a friend of the cartel or... do you want to be a rat?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Nacho is driven to a remote location with Gus, Tyrus and Victor. There they meet Juan Bolsa, Hector Salamanca, and the Cousins. Bolsa kneels next to Nacho.]''
:'''Bolsa:''' Today, you are going to die. But there are good deaths, and there are bad deaths. Tell me what I need to know, I'll see that your death is a good one. Who put you up to this?
:''[Nacho glances at Gus, as if he's about to turn on him]''
:'''Bolsa:''' One last chance. ''Who?'' ''[long pause; scoffs and gets up to leave]''
:'''Nacho:''' It was Alvarez. Los Odios, out of Peru. They paid me to set up your nephew. And I did.
:''[Hector furiously rings his bell and attempts to point to Gus, who he knows is the real culprit]''
:'''Bolsa:''' Alvarez, we know. Los Odios, we know. Was anyone else involved?
:'''Nacho:''' ''[scoffs; nods to Gus]'' Him? You think the chicken man? ''Heh.'' What a joke. Alvarez has been paying me for years &amp;ndash; ''years''. ''[to the Salamancas]'' But you know what? I would have done it for free. Because I hate every last one of you psycho sacks of shit. I opened Lalo's gate, and I would do it again. And I'm glad what they did to him. He's a soulless pig, and I wished I'd killed him with my own hands. And you know what else, Hector? I put you in that chair. Oh, yeah. Your heart meds? I switched them for sugar pills. You were dead and buried, and I had to watch ''this'' asshole... ''[gestures to Gus]'' ...bring you back. So when you are sitting in your shitty nursing home and you're sucking down on your Jell-O night after night for the rest of your life, ''you think of '''me,''' you twisted fuck.''

=== ''[[w:Hit and Run (Better Call Saul)|Hit and Run]]'' [6.04] ===
:'''Jimmy:''' What kind of asshole moves a cone?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': So, I pull the Jag into the loading zone. And I start scrappin' with this hunk of metal. It was in deep—like, &quot;down a well&quot; deep—so I just... wrassled it! UGH! ''[Kim laughs hysterically]'' Like a freakin' bear, and I jam it in the dirt in front of the Jag! Boom! Barely made it out of there with the skin of my teeth. ''Who moves cones?'' Who does that?
:'''Kim''': Narcissists.
:'''Jimmy''': Heh, you're damn right. So you think Cliff really bought it, huh?
:'''Kim''': One hundred percent! You should've seen his face. It landed, trust me. God, it was... beautiful. ''[pause]'' Oh, and that is not all. 
:'''Jimmy''': Spill.
:'''Kim''': So... I'm doing the stall. I'm telling Cliff what I'm doing—what I wanna be doing. All I'm thinking is, I gotta stretch this out until you get there, but then... I don't know. I... kinda got caught up in it, and then... Cliff went for it. I mean, like, ''really'' went for it.
:'''Jimmy''': What does that mean? Like, money?
:'''Kim''': I don't think he'll write a check himself, but he knows people. And I think he'll deliver.
:'''Jimmy''': You're kidding! 
:'''Kim''': I know! How great is that?
:'''Jimmy''': This is unbelievable. ''[Kim laughs]'' Are we on a roll, or are we on a roll? Jeez! 
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' You ever feel like you're being followed? ''[pause]'' When I dropped Wendy off at the motel, she thought she was being watched by some undercover cops. But then when I drove away... that same car was behind ''me.'' Right after I spotted them, they disappeared.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, you know what they say: The wicked flee where no man pursueth. 
:'''Kim''': ...You think we're wicked?
:'''Jimmy''': No. What? ''[chuckles]'' It's just a turn of phrase. I think you're wicked hot. ''[pause]'' Alright. Listen to the voice of experience, okay? You know why you're feeling like this? Because we got away with it. It seems too good to be true, but trust me. Nobody is following you. ''[takes Kim's hand]'' No one knows what we're doing except for us. Okay?
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy confronts Bill Oakley at the courthouse when he notices his colleagues' cold treatment of him]''
:'''Jimmy''': What the hell is going on?! How come everyone's treating me like I'm covered in oozing pus sores?
:'''Bill''': I liked you better when you were just a regular bottom feeder. But this?
:'''Jimmy''': This? What is, &quot;this?&quot;
:'''Bill''': I understand advocating for your client. Deep in my heart, I get it. But you scammed the court. You scammed the judge, and for what? To get a murdering cartel psychopath back out on the street? It's just... wrong.
:'''Jimmy''': That's a lot of big talk, Bill. Prove it. Prove it, Bill!
:'''Bill''': There's proving, and then there's knowing. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': They're gone.
:'''Kim''': I'm sorry?
:'''Mike''': The two men that were following you. They're gone.
:'''Kim''': Do I know you?
:'''Mike''': Would you mind sitting for a moment, and I will answer any questions I can. ''[pause; Kim sits down next to Mike]'' I have men watching you and your husband. I'm not with the police, and as far as I know, they're not investigating either of you. I ''do'' know that you've been up to a few things that you probably would rather keep private. I don't care. That's not what this is about. I'm trying to solve a problem of my own. 
:'''Kim''': What problem?
:'''Mike''': Lalo Salamanca.
:'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca's dead. ''[beat; Mike says nothing and stares at Kim]'' He... isn't.
:'''Mike''': We're watching anyone he might contact. That includes you and your husband. Most likely, he'll never reach out. He's got bigger fish to fry. But in the thousand to one chance that he does...
:'''Kim''': And who do you work for?
:'''Mike''': I said I would answer anything I can. 
:'''Kim''': ''[long pause]'' [[w:Bagman (Better Call Saul)|You're the guy from the desert]]. The one who was out there with Jimmy. Why are you telling me this and not him?
:'''Mike''': Because I think you're made of sterner stuff. ''[pause; gets up]'' Alright. Now here's what's best for everyone. You spot my guys again—which I'm hoping you won't—let them go about their business. Just pretend they're not there. And pretty soon, they won't be. You and your husband just... go on living your lives. ''[starts to leave]''
:'''Kim''': I do know you. You worked in the parking booth at the courthouse. ''[pause]'' You were the attendant.
:'''Mike''': ...I was.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kim meets Jimmy at a strip mall where an office space is available for lease]''
:'''Kim''': What are we doing here?
:'''Jimmy''': Take a look. What do you think?
:'''Kim''': About what?
:'''Jimmy''': My new office. Potentially. Come on.
:''[They both peer through the storefront windows of the office, which is empty except for a lone toilet]''
:'''Kim''': Huh.
:'''Jimmy''': Mrs. Nguyen kicked me to the curb.
:'''Kim''': What? Why?
:'''Jimmy''': It's a long story, but upshot is she wants me out of there with extreme prejudice.
:'''Kim''': Wow. Bad day, huh?
:'''Jimmy''': Well, no. It was a... great day. With actual paying clients. The word is out! People were throwing cash retainers at me just to say Saul Goodman is their lawyer.
:'''Kim''': Because of who you represented.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, I mean, that's part of it. But the bottom line is I need a new place for new business pronto. Now, this place is a shithole, but the price is right. And I think I can talk the landlord into a month-to-month. So, it's temporary until I find something better. ''[sighs; pause]'' Hey. What do you think?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' It's small. It's... dirty. And this whole place smells funny. ''[pause]'' But the courthouse is five blocks away. You can't get to MDC without driving past. Parking is good, bail bond row isn't far, and uh... Taco Cabeza is just around the corner. Might be a diamond in the rough. Just promise me... you won't move the toilet.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' There it is. Alright. Uh... speaking of Taco Cabeza.
:'''Kim''': I'm starving. Let's do it.

=== ''[[w:Black and Blue (Better Call Saul)|Black and Blue]]'' [6.05] ===
:''[Cliff informs Howard about witnessing Jimmy throw Wendy out of Howard's car]''
:'''Howard:''' I threw a woman out of my car? In the middle of the street? And I&amp;ndash;''zip''&amp;ndash;I just drive right past you? I... That's what you're saying? I-I-I don't even... I don't know how to respond to that.
:'''Cliff:''' I'm not asking you to respond. I just need you to know that ''I'' know. 
:'''Howard:''' It wasn't me, Cliff. Whoever you think you saw&amp;ndash;
:'''Cliff:''' Yeah, sorry, but that's the kind of thing my son used to say. It was your Jaguar, your &quot;Namaste&quot; plate. It was you! Howard, there's no harm in asking for help. You got a lot of people in your corner.
:'''Howard:''' So there's the-the baggie at the county club.
:'''Cliff:''' Yes.
:'''Howard:''' After that, some clients&amp;ndash;who you can't name because of privilege&amp;ndash;make insinuations. Then on Thursday, you have a business meeting and you witness a Jaguar speeding past. ''[beat]'' Who were you meeting with?
:'''Cliff:''' Not sure why that's germaine, but... Kim Wexler. She came to me for career advice.
:''[Howard's face becomes awash with realization]''
:'''Howard:''' ''Mmm.'' All right. ''[pause]'' Okay. ''[takes out his cell phone]'' Of course. ''[scoffs]'' Of course. ''[to Cliff]'' Cliff, I know this wasn't easy for you. You came to me as a friend. I appreciate it.
:'''Cliff:''' You can start today, Howard.
:'''Howard:''' Oh, I will. Because you're right, I ''do'' have a problem. Just not the problem you think. I have a Jimmy McGill problem.
:'''Cliff:''' Jimmy McGill?!
:'''Howard:''' You'll have to excuse me.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard!
:'''Howard:''' ''[to his secretary on the phone]'' Julie. Cancel my week. Yes, my whole week. 
:'''Cliff:''' Howard!
:''[Howard climbs into his Jaguar and drives away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy walks into a boxing club and sees Howard, who pretended to be a potential client named &quot;Mr. Ward&quot;]''
:'''Howard''': Hello, Jimmy.
:'''Jimmy''': Mr. Ward, I presume. As in... H.O. Ward. That is really cute, Howard. So, wait. That means that you're the guy who shanked some dude in a rumble near Central Pen. ''[sighs]'' That's—that's very street of you. 
:'''Howard''': I thought it sounded like a Saul Goodman kind of case.
:'''Jimmy''': ...Alright, so what are we doing here? 
:'''Howard''': I'm tired, Jimmy. You and me, us. I'm tired of this. Aren't you? It's exhausting. ''[points at boxing ring behind him]'' Let's punch it out.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' Are you kidding?
:'''Howard''': Dead serious. Hoping you might get it out of your system. Do I think it'll work? ''[shrugs]'' I don't know. Call it a Hail Mary. I have the gear, I rented the ring. It's just you and me... ''[points at the man standing behind Jimmy]'' and Macky to ref. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' I am sorry, but have you lost your mind?
:'''Howard''': Actually, I'm as clear-headed as I've ever been in my life. You didn't even try to hide your tracks. The baggie of drugs at the country club, the clients you sent to discredit me, ''another'' prostitute.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, once again as usual, I—
:'''Howard''': Please. I could go on. All roads lead back to you. It's Psych 101. You want to get caught. 
:'''Jimmy''': So what? Is this like pistols at dawn?
:'''Howard''': I'm trying to give you what you want. 
:'''Jimmy''': What I want? I don't... I think this is what ''you'' want. You wanna beat the shit out of me? Legally? 
:'''Howard''': I think you can hold up your end. You must've gotten into a few good scrapes in your old neighborhood. 
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, right. I could've been a contender. 
:'''Howard''': Indulge me. Let's see what we see. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause; smiles]'' Thanks for the laughs. ''[chuckles]'' &quot;Mr. Ward.&quot; 
:''[Jimmy laughs and starts to walk out, but stops. He and Howard are seen suited up with boxing gloves as they begin their fight. They both land a few punches on each other, but Howard eventually knocks Jimmy down]'' 
:'''Howard''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've mistaken my kindness for weakness. I like to think that tonight made a difference. I like to think that this ends it. ''[pause; shakes his head]'' Probably not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': I should've left Howard standing there like a yutz. Instead I let him suck me into his game. Why did I do that?
:'''Kim''': You had your reasons. 
:'''Jimmy''': I did? Like what?
:'''Kim''': Because... you know. 
:'''Jimmy''': I know...?
:'''Kim''': ''[holds Jimmy's hand]'' You know what's coming next.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo has travelled to Germany using an alias, and meets Margarethe, Werner's widow, at a bar]''
:'''Margarethe''': I knew his work was dangerous. I never imagined such a thing, but... I suppose I try not to. 
:'''Lalo''': That is terrible. What kind of accident was it?
:'''Margarethe''': A cave-in.
:'''Lalo''': Cave-in?
:'''Margarethe''': He was able to save his men. He got them out, but then... the structure collapsed.
:'''Lalo''': So your husband was a hero.
:'''Margarethe''': ''[smiles]'' He would never accept that. My Werner was too humble.
:'''Lalo''': ...And what were they building there?
:'''Margarethe''': My husband didn't talk much about his work. It was very secretive. 
:'''Lalo''': Oh... I'm sure he must have told you something. 
:'''Margarethe''': The lawyers came to my house. I asked questions, they wouldn't say much.
:'''Lalo''': ''[shakes his head]'' Lawyers.
:'''Margarethe''': They went through Werner's things. Took anything that they called, uh... Oh, how do you say it? ''[pause]'' Proprietary? I'm sorry, my English is—
:'''Lalo''': Oh, it's excellent. 
:'''Margarethe''': I didn't care about it. All the boxes of folders, his papers. Why do I need all that stuff?
:'''Lalo''': And what about your husband's men? I mean, they must have said something to you.
:'''Margarethe''': Werner loved ''deine jungs''—his boys—but I never even met them. 
:'''Lalo''': What do you mean? Not even at the funeral?
:'''Margarethe''': You'd think they would want to pay respect to the man who saved their lives. They sent flowers, keepsakes, and so on... but not one of them showed his face. 
:'''Lalo''': Wow. That is... ''[sighs]'' It's just not right.

=== ''[[w:Axe and Grind | Axe and Grind]]'' [6.06] ===
:''[Casper, one of Werner's former workers, spots Lalo approaching his home while chopping wood]''
:'''Lalo''': ''Guten tag!''
:'''Casper''': ''Guten tag.'' ''[in German]'' This is private property. Who are you looking for? Are you lost?
:'''Lalo''': ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. I don't speak any German!
:'''Casper''': ''[in English]'' Are you lost?
:'''Lalo''': It's a beautiful place you have here. The air, it's just so... ''fresh!''
:'''Casper''': ...Do I know you?
:'''Lalo''': Well, I don't think we've ''officially'' met-
:''[Casper grabs his axe and runs inside a nearby wooden shed while Lalo draws his gun. Lalo searches when he's suddenly dropped by a blow from Casper]''
:'''Casper''': Who are you?! '''''Who are you?!'''''
:'''Lalo''': ''[strained]'' Ed-Eduardo... Salamanca! I'm not here for you... This is about Fring. Guh- I want to know... I want to know what he's building.
:'''Casper''': How did you find me?
:'''Lalo''': Ma- Marga... M-Margarethe Z-Ziegler.
:'''Casper''': What have you done to her?!
:'''Lalo''': Nothing, nothing. You sent her a gi- a gift. ''[pulls out a business card and shows it to Casper]''
:'''Casper''': ''Was ist das?''
:''[Lalo's hidden a razor blade behind the card. He springs up and cuts Casper's face, then grabs his axe and cuts his foot off]''
:'''Lalo''': ''[cheerfully] Carajo!'' I think you broke one of my ribs! ''[tosses Casper his belt]'' Here. Tie that off... before you bleed to death. ''You and I are gonna have a '''talk.'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Holy shit! The Jackson Mercer Foundation, that's like... the good housekeeping seal of approval.
:'''Kim''': Well, it's not a done deal. Some of the foundation board members are flying in next week to meet the lieutenant governor at a luncheon in Santa Fe, so... they are inviting a select group of people with... Cliff called them, &quot;up-and-coming organizations,&quot; and uh... Yeah. Cliff thinks I have a good shot. 
:'''Jimmy''': A good shot? You have more than a shot! They are gonna love you on sight!
:'''Kim''': The only thing is the lunch is on D-Day.
:'''Jimmy''': So, what? That's—You don't have to be there on the day! Was Eisenhower on Omaha Beach? No. Kim, this is great, right? It's ''huge!''
:'''Kim''': ...It is pretty great! ''[laughs]''
:'''Jimmy''': Kim, this is fantastic! ''[kisses Kim]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy has Francesca call HHM and pose as a relative of a Sandpiper resident to get details about the upcoming mediation]''
:'''Jimmy''': What is the hold up?
:'''Francesca''': I just... I don't know if I'm comfortable. Is this even legal?
:'''Jimmy''': I'm sorry, which one of us went to law school? Because I can stand here and go through the ins and outs of what's quote-unquote legal with you, but we're on the clock.
:'''Francesca''': I just don't—
:'''Jimmy''': Francesca, let's get something straight, okay? We can't be holding a graduate seminar in constitutional law every time I give you something to do.
:'''Francesca''': But I—I'm not sure if—
:'''Jimmy''': You know what I'm paying you? It is above market. To whom much is given, much is expected! ''[takes out cell phone and starts dialing a number]''
:'''Francesca''': We're not gonna make a habit of this?
:'''Jimmy''': Of course not! Absolutely not. No, no, no. ''[gives phone to Francesca]'' Put it on speaker and let me... ''[moves closer]''
:'''HHM Employee #1''': Hamlin Hamlin McGill.
:'''Francesca''': Hi... there. I'm calling because my—my mother is... is—Well, I guess she's a—a client of yours. She lives in, uh, Sandpiper Assisted Living.
:'''HHM Employee #1''': Sandpiper, of course. Let me transfer you.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Francesca while she's on hold]'' It's just a phone call. 
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Good afternoon. Do you have a question about the Sandpiper case?
:'''Francesca''': ''[waits for Jimmy to nod]'' Yes. My mother's out of the facility in Amarillo. Says she's supposed to call in to some meeting on Thursday?
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Yes, you're talking about the mediation?
:'''Francesca''': That's it. The thing is, she's lost her dial-in instructions. ''[sighs nervously]'' I'm just looking everywhere and can't find them.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': I'd be happy to help you with that. It's very important to us that all the class members are fully looked in. What's your mother's name?
:'''Francesca''': ''[Tells name mouthed by Jimmy]'' Uh, Marnie Stuber. ''[watches Jimmy form the letters as she spells aloud]'' That's–that's S-T-U-B-E-R. ''[sighs nervously again when Jimmy tries to cheer her up]'' Oh, bless your heart. She'll be so relieved!
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay, it's very simple. The meeting is happening at our offices. So she just has to call the main line—the same number you called just now—press 7, and then enter the passcode. I can give that to you now. Do you have a pen?
:'''Francesca''': Uh... ''[Jimmy quickly takes out a pen]'' Y–yeah, I'm ready.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay. It's 842159. ''[Jimmy writes the numbers on his hand]'' 
:'''Francesca''': 842159?
:'''HHM Employee #2''': That's right.
:'''Francesca''': Okay! Uh, thank you so much. Really appreciate it.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Of course, take care. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[hangs up immediately]'' Was that so hard?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy sees the real Rand Casimiro at a liquor store wearing a cast that was not shown in the fake photos he shot earlier. He bolts out of there and gets in his car before being seen by the judge.]''
:'''Jimmy''': FUCK! ''[bangs on steering wheel and chuckles nervously before dialing Kim on his cell phone]''
:''[Cut to Kim driving on the highway to Santa Fe.]'' 
:'''Kim''': &quot;Ultimately, it's about equal justice, a system that works for everyone. A justice system that works for everyone, and what is more important than that?&quot; ''[hears phone ringing and answers it]'' Hey, Jimmy.
:'''Jimmy''': Flag on the play! You're not gonna believe this, but I just ran into Casimiro—the real one.
:'''Kim''': Oh, God.
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, and before you ask, he didn't shave his mustache. ''He broke his arm.'' 
:'''Kim''': Are you serious?
:'''Jimmy''': The guy has a giant cast on his left arm! And I checked all the pictures and you can see his arm in every single one of them! No cast, clear as day! 
:'''Kim''': Shit! SHIT!
:'''Jimmy''': I KNOW! I '''KNOW!''' Uh... But, hey. Hey, hey, look at it this way: If I hadn't seen him... I mean, that would've really—that really could've sunk us. Right? So, we're gonna pull the plug and we are going to live to fight another day.
:'''Kim''': ...What other day? 
:'''Jimmy''': Well, we'll figure it out. I promise, okay? So, just go. Just do your thing in Santa Fe, and we'll regroup when you get home tonight. ''[beat; Kim says nothing]'' Kim? Kim, you still there? 
:'''Kim''': Yes.
:'''Jimmy''': Did you hear what I said?
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' It happens today. 
:''[Kim quickly turns around and starts driving back to Albuquerque.]''

=== ''[[w:Plan and Execution | Plan and Execution]]'' [6.07] ===
:''[An intern at HHM, Cary, drops soda cans when he sees Howard setting up the conference room for the Sandpiper mediation]''
:'''Cary''': Uh, excuse me, Mr. Hamlin! I-I was told I should restock the fridge before the meeting.
:'''Howard''': No worries. Here, let me give you a hand.
:'''Cary''': Thank you!
:'''Howard''': Uh, you're... Gary?
:'''Cary''': Cary! Anderson.
:'''Howard''': Mm... of course. Cary. ''[sees Cary stocking the fridge with the dropped cans]'' Cary, what happens when you drop or shake a can of soda?
:'''Cary''': ...Right. ''[mimes explosion]'' I'm sorry, I'm, uh...
:'''Howard''': Here, let me show you a little trick. ''[picks up and spins a soda can]'' Something about the centrifugal force pulls the bubbles from the inside of the can, stops it from exploding. Don't want our clients to get a surprise now, do we?
:'''Cary''': That works?
:''[Howard opens the can without incident and takes a sip]''
:'''Cary''': Alright!
:'''Howard''': You know who taught me that trick? ''[points at the picture of Chuck in the conference room]'' He used to do it. Had a habit - anytime he opened a can, almost unconsciously. I asked him about it once... just his way of being prepared for anything, accidental or otherwise. 
:'''Cary''': Um, I'm sorry, I'm... kinda new here. I- I have to ask, who is that?
:'''Howard''': Charles McGill. The &quot;M&quot; in HHM. Greatest legal mind I ever knew.
:'''Cary''': Wow! I hope someone says that about me someday.
:'''Howard''': Well... maybe there are more important things.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Howard, Cliff, and the rest of the parties in the Sandpiper mediation are in the HHM conference room; Rand Casimiro is seated at the head of the table; Jimmy and Kim listen in on the meeting through a disposable cell phone in Saul Goodman's office]''
:'''Rand Casimiro:''' Hello. I know we're all anxious to get things started but you'll have to suffer through my traditional spiel, unfortunately. My name is Rand Casimiro, and I am your mediator for these proceedings. Now, I'm happy to be here. But at the end, hopefully all of you in the room and those listening from various locations ''won't'' be happy with me. And why do I say that? Because the best solutions mean compromise. It's compromise from both sides. That's my goal. But as my wife always says, compromising doesn't mean I'm right and she's wrong. ''[chuckles]'' So, let us move forward—
:'''Howard:''' ''Hmph.''
:''[Everyone in the conference room turns to Howard]''
:'''Cliff:''' ...Howard?
:'''Howard:''' I-I'm... Wow. ''[pause]'' I'm... I'm sorry. I don't think we can proceed with these negotiations today.
:'''Rich:''' Why not?
:'''Howard:''' Well, let's just say, circumstances beyond any of our control.
:'''Rich:''' Well, I'm going to have to insist that you be more specific.
:'''Howard:''' Well, our mediator here keeps using the word &quot;compromise&quot; when ''he'', in fact, is compromised.
:'''Casimiro:''' I beg your pardon?
:'''Howard:''' I think you heard me.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...?
:'''Howard:''' You drive a silver Miata, correct? 
:'''Casimiro:''' I do.
:'''Howard:''' And this morning, around 7 a.m., you walked across Trumbull Park in town?
:'''Casimiro:''' No. 
:'''Howard:''' You didn't stop at the park this morning?
:'''Casimiro:''' I didn't. I got to Albuquerque early, not at 7 a.m. And I didn't go to a park.
:'''Howard:''' You sure?
:'''Cliff:''' Howard, if the judge says he's sure, then I&amp;ndash;
:'''Casimiro:''' Of course I'm sure! If it matters, I arrived in town about ten, I stopped at a gas station, I went by a liquor store and bought a gift. I had a lunch salad and a very nice latté from the Flying Star on Menaul. I read ''[[w:Barron's_(newspaper)|Barron's]]''. Then came here.
:'''Howard:''' ''Mmmm''. So you weren't in town to visit our mutual acquaintance, James Morgan McGill? Or maybe you know him as &quot;Saul Goodman&quot;. 
:'''Casimiro:''' I don't know anyone by either of those names.
:'''Howard:''' Okay. You want to go that way? ''[to his secretary]'' Julie, go to my desk, please. There's an envelope with photos. Bring it to me quickly.
:'''Julie:''' Oh. Okay. ''[leaves]''
:'''Cliff:''' Howard, can we have a sidebar&amp;ndash;?
:'''Casimiro:''' I'm sorry. These photos &amp;ndash; these are photos of me? 
:'''Howard:''' They show exactly what I'm describing.
:'''Casimiro:''' You were following me?
:'''Howard:''' I had a private investigator following Jimmy McGill. You were photographed receiving what I estimate to be a $20,000 payoff this morning in the park.
:'''Rich:''' I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is just&amp;ndash; ''[sighs; to Howard]'' You recommended this judge as a mediator and we agreed. And now... ''Jimmy?'' Jimmy McGill &amp;ndash; who originated this suit &amp;ndash; is ''what?'' 
:'''Howard:''' A-admittedly, it all sounds a bit baroque. But when you see the photos, things will be clearer.
:'''Casimiro:''' Well, I'm looking forward to that.
:''[long pause; Julie enters the room with the envelope]''
:'''Julie:''' I have the pictures, Mr. Hamlin. 
:'''Howard:''' Thank you, Julie. ''[opens the envelope]'' And now, take a look.
:''[Howard looks at the photos with Cliff, Schweikart, Casimiro, Irene and Julie looking behind him. Instead of an actor dressed as Casimiro as he had seen earlier, the photos show Jimmy sitting at a park bench exchanging a frisbee with the Sound Guy, dressed as a jogger]''
:'''Casimiro:''' ...Is that supposed to be ''me''?
:'''Howard:''' I, uh... This is... This is not... Julie, you got the wrong envelope.
:'''Julie:''' That was the only one on your desk.
:'''Howard:''' Look again!
:''[Julie leaves]''
:'''Howard:''' They-they've been switched. Somehow he switched them.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...
:'''Howard:''' No. Jimmy &amp;ndash; he snuck in somehow, and these are not the pictures I saw.
:''[Howard turns to Erin, who notices that his pupils are now dilated]''
:'''Erin:''' Mr. Hamlin, are you all right? Your eyes...
:'''Howard:''' ''[agitated]'' I am fine! This is all something that will be sorted out, I am confident!
:''[Cliff rises and guides Howard out of his seat]''
:'''Cliff:''' I think a recess is in order.
:'''Howard:''' Nobody move! Evidence has been tampered with!
:'''Cliff:''' Now Howard, please!
:''[Howard and Cliff leave the conference room. Everyone left behind is stunned silent]''
:'''Irene:''' ...Is this how these usually go?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Cliff confronts Howard in his office after the fiasco in the conference room]''
:'''Howard:''' Cliff? Is that you? I'm not crazy, and I'm not on drugs. Please, come in. Now somehow, some way, that son of a bitch gave me something that dilated my pupils. I-I don't know what. But it's wearing off already, look. ''[gestures toward his eyes]'' 
:'''Cliff:''' You say that Jimmy McGill drugged you? How is that possible?
:'''Howard:''' The-the photos. They were wet with... ''something''.
:'''Cliff:''' The missing photos.
:'''Howard:''' Yeah. My P.I., Genidowski, had to have been in on it. He-he must have shown me one set of photos and then switched them after I left the office. 
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...
:'''Howard:''' Three weeks ago, Julie got a call from our detective agency. They wanted to update their contact info, so of course she changed the number in the system. But it turns out, it wasn't them. That was Jimmy. So when I needed an investigator to follow Jimmy, I called his fake number and his fake man. She just dialed the old number and, of course, got the actual agency. And, no surprise, no one by the name of Genidowski had ever worked there. I hired a con man. I got played. Every step of the way. I know what it sounds like, but you have to believe me.
:'''Cliff:''' I... It doesn't matter. Rich went back to the previous offer. I'll give a recommend to the class that we take it.
:'''Howard:''' No. No way. We do not let Jimmy win this.
:'''Cliff:''' Why would Jimmy even do this? He's a profit participant! This means less money for him!
:'''Howard:''' Because he's a child! He wants his money now! He begged me months ago to settle! You know what he does!
:'''Cliff:''' Whatever the truth is, we'll never get back to where we were before mediation. We have to settle.
:'''Howard:''' I'm lead attorney. And I won't sanction that decision.
:'''Cliff:''' Then I'm obligated to go to the partners and explain everything I've seen &amp;ndash; all of it. You think you're gonna be able to convince them it was all Jimmy McGill?
:'''Howard:''' ...Okay then. We go to trial. Cliff, this case is incredibly strong. I put this thing in front of a jury, then everything will&amp;ndash;
:'''Cliff:''' I'm not thinking about you, Howard. I'm not thinking about Jimmy. I'm thinking about the time, the expense, the uncertainty. I'm thinking about our clients!
:''[Howard bows his head in defeat.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo records a video message for Eladio while he's hiding in the sewers surveilling Gus' laundromat. The dialogue switches between Spanish and English.]''
:'''Lalo''': Don Eladio. Guess who?  It's Lalo, I'm alive! ''[chuckles]'' I'm here in beautiful downtown Albuquerque. ''[pans the camera around his belongings]'' Been here... four nights? Now, you may be asking, &quot;What am I doing down in this shithole?&quot; Well, [[w:Axe and Grind|a little Croatian bird told me a secret]]. Eh, he put up a hell of a fight, but he told me. Look. ''[points the camera at his target, Lavanderia Brilliante]'' See that? Right there... Fring's secret. Now, I've been watching and Fring hides his guards very well, but they're there, dressed like laundry workers. ''[zooms in on one &quot;worker&quot;]'' See? That's one there. They're hiding guns under the uniforms, but I see. I have a pretty good idea of what I'm up against. ''[points the camera back at himself]'' I can tell you what's in there. A big hole where a German engineer, Werner Ziegler, designed the perfect place to hide the... ''[in English]'' &quot;mother of all meth labs.&quot; ''[in Spanish]'' Well, that's my story. And Fring? Fring will have his story, a good one, and Bolsa will back him because he's an... ''[in English]'' &quot;earner.&quot; ''[in Spanish]'' So tonight, I go in... kill all the guards and show you the proof. And then? You decide... ''Adios.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim are watching a movie in Kim's apartment when they hear a knock at the door. It's revealed to be Howard, disheveled and holding a bottle of Macallan scotch whisky.]''
:'''Howard:''' Can I come in? 
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah. Come on.
:'''Howard:''' Kim.
:'''Kim:''' Howard. You doing okay?
:'''Howard:''' I'm fine. Sorry to interrupt this, but I brought you a gift.
:'''Jimmy:''' A gift? What's the occasion?
:'''Howard:''' Your brother and I, we always had a meeting with Mr. Macallan after a big victory. Usually some brilliant summation by Chuck, that goes without saying. So this, this is for you. You earned it. You won.
:'''Jimmy:''' Won? Uh, what did I win?
:'''Howard:''' ''[pause]'' I get it. Of course you both have to play it this way. You're both so very good at it. 
:'''Kim:''' It's late, Howard. Do you want to tell us what this is about?
:'''Howard:''' I was wondering that too. ''[walks to the kitchen]'' What it's all about. I mean, what do you tell yourselves? What justification makes it okay? &quot;Howard's such an asshole that he deserves it?&quot; ''[offers two glasses to Jimmy and Kim]'' 
:'''Jimmy:''' We're good.
:'''Howard:''' So, what is it? I sided with Chuck too often? ''[points to Kim]'' I took away your office, put you in doc review? All of the above? Howard's daddy helped him get to the top, but you both had to struggle. &quot;Howie has so much and we have so little, let's take him down a peg or two.&quot; What allows you to do this to me? Because this isn't just a prank. No. This goes beyond [[w:Namaste (Better Call Saul)|throwing bowling balls on my car]]. This took planning, coordination. I mean, how many weeks? Or-or-or was it months? It couldn't have been easy. So tell me, why? Why go through this elaborate plot just to burn me to the ground?
:'''Jimmy:''' &quot;Burn you to the ground?&quot; Howard, come on. Y-you'll be fine. You always land on your feet.
:'''Howard:''' Yeah, sure. The Sandpiper settlement—HHM's share will be substantial, absolutely. Even though I humiliated myself. And my clients and peers will whisper that Howard Hamlin's a drug addict. You're right. I've worked my way through worse. Debt. Depression. My marriage falling apart.
:''[Jimmy blinks in surprise. He and Kim exchange looks]''
:'''Howard:''' Oh, yeah. Been sleeping in the guest house for the better part of a year. Just one more thing that good ol' Howard has to work through. But yes, I will land on my feet. I will be okay. But you? Far from it. You two... you two are soulless. Jimmy, you can't help yourself. Chuck knew it. You were ''born'' that way. ''[to Kim]'' But you—one of the smartest and most promising human beings I've ever known, and ''this'' is the life you choose. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright, you're too tight to drive, I'm calling a cab—
:'''Howard:''' Oh good, phony compassion. And you know what? Very, very believable. But I'm far from done.
:'''Kim:''' Oh no no no. You are done, Howard. Sorry, but you need to stop this now and you need to go home.
:'''Howard:''' You're perfect for each other. You have a piece missing. I-I-I thought you did it for the money, but it-it—Now it's so clear. Screw the money, you did it for fun! You get off on it! You're like [[w:Leopold and Loeb|Leopold and Loeb]], two sociopaths—
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright, that's enough.
:'''Howard:''' Oh, you know it's true, you just don't have the guts to admit it.
:'''Kim:''' Great. Now you need to go.
:'''Howard:''' I'm gonna make it clear to everyone, because I'm going to dedicate my life to making sure that everybody knows the truth. Believe it. You can't hide who you really are forever.
:''[Jimmy reflexively shields Kim as Lalo Salamanca enters the room; Jimmy is stunned]''
:'''Jimmy:''' How...
:''[Howard turns around and see Lalo, who non-chalantly stands next to him]''
:'''Kim:''' H-Howard... Howard. Howard, you need to leave.
:'''Howard:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Who are you?
:'''Lalo:''' Me? Nobody. I just need to talk to my lawyers.
:'''Howard:''' ''[scoffs]'' Oh, is that right? You want some advice? Find better lawyers.
:'''Kim:''' Howard, please j-just... just... just turn around—
:'''Lalo:''' No, no, no, no, no. Take your time.
:'''Howard:''' ''[to Kim]'' What's this about? 
:''[Lalo calmly takes a pistol out of his pocket and screws a silencer onto the muzzle]''
:'''Kim:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Please... please, just tell us what you want.
:'''Lalo:''' ''[shrugs]'' Like I said. To talk.
:'''Howard:''' I, uh... I think I'm in the middle of something, uh... There's really no need to—
:''[Lalo puts the gun to Howard's head and pulls the trigger; Howard falls onto the floor, killed instantly. Jimmy and Kim scream.]''
:'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Please, no!''
:'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''No! No!''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[holds out his hand to quiet them down]'' ''Shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh.'' Okay. Let's talk.

=== ''[[w:Point and Shoot (Better Call Saul) | Point and Shoot]]'' [6.08] ===
:''[Jimmy and Kim are cowering in terror when Lalo forces them to sit on their couch]''
:'''Jimmy''': I never turned on you. I didn't. I only worked for you in the desert. I was on your side the whole time.
:'''Lalo''': Shhh. ''[motions for Jimmy to sit down with his gun]'' I don't care. You two... ''[chuckles; shakes his head]'' God, you two and your mouths! ''Dios mío!'' Now, ''you listen.'' ''[tosses car keys to Jimmy]'' My car's downstairs. Press the clicker, and you'll find it. This... ''[holds up small piece of paper]'' is where you are going. Don't speed, don't weave, don't cut anyone off. Just, you know, drive nice. From here, ''[checks watch]'' at this hour... I'd take 40 east, get off at Carlisle, take the third left. The rest I drew a little map for you on the back. It's not hard. So... big white brick house with a solid black door. You can't miss it. It's right at the end of the T. Park a little down the street and not up front. It's a quiet neighborhood, so you'll have plenty of options. Stating the obvious here maybe, but... turn the car off, right? So, in the glove compartment, I left you a present. There's a camera and there's a gun. And you're gonna need both.
:'''Jimmy''': A gun?
:'''Lalo''': Yeah, yeah, yeah. But don't worry. I mean, it's–it's easy. It's a revolver. It's already loaded, no safety—it's idiot proof. So, you go up to that house, you walk right up to that black door. Don't run. Just be casual, like a stroll, you know? Keep the gun somewhere behind you where they can't see it. You ring the bell, you count to three, you step back. They look through the peephole, you're as innocent as can be. Door opens, you point... and you shoot. And you keep on pulling that trigger until it's empty. ''[pause]'' Simple. 
:'''Jimmy''': You–you want me to—?!
:'''Lalo''': I know, I know. ''[casually nudges Howard's dead body with his foot]'' You're a lawyer, and you're not a killer. But look, you can do this, okay? This guy, he's a housecat! Black, medium height, short hair, glasses! He kinda looks like a librarian... but don't be fooled. Even a housecat can scratch. So, that's it. Hard part's over. Now, you pull out the camera. Same principle as the gun: Point and shoot. Take a picture. One where I can see the face ''clearly''... and then you bring it back here where, me and Mrs. Goodman will be waiting for you. And then you're done! I'd say it's about a twenty minute drive over there... ''[Jimmy looks nervously at Kim]'' twenty minutes back. Maybe ten minutes to do the job. Let's go with an hour altogether. So, you're back here in an hour, or—
:''[Jimmy forcibly turns on the Saul Goodman charm]''
:'''Jimmy''': Send her.
:'''Kim''': ...What?! 
:'''Jimmy''': She should do it.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy...
:'''Lalo''': ''[pause]'' Why her? 
:'''Kim''': ''[whispers to Jimmy]'' Don't do this.
:'''Jimmy''': This guy, the–the housecat.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy, please.
:'''Jimmy''': He looks through his peephole... 
:'''Kim''': ''Please.''
:'''Jimmy''': ...in the middle of the night, and he sees me? &quot;Who's this asshole? What's he doing?&quot; Maybe–maybe he gets ''his'' gun, maybe he calls the cops. Either way, that door stays shut. But he sees a woman...
:'''Kim''': No.
:'''Jimmy''': ...she looks like she's in distress. Maybe her car broke down. ''[chuckles]'' I mean, you'd open the door for her, wouldn't you?
:'''Kim''': Stop! Stop!
:'''Lalo''': Yeah, but... she's really clever. I don't know if she's gonna stick to the plan.
:'''Jimmy''': She will.
:'''Kim''': No, no, no.
:'''Jimmy''': No cops. You know she will.
:'''Kim''': No. No, this... This doesn't even make any sense! I–I–I've never shot a gun before! I've never even held one!  
:'''Jimmy''': Like I have.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy, what are you doing?! 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo while pointing at Kim]'' You know she's the best choice.
:'''Kim''': No, I'm not! I don't—I can't! I can't do it! 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo]'' She can do it. You know she can do it!
:'''Kim''': No! Jimmy, I'll stay! Stop! Just stop! 
:'''Jimmy''': You know I'm right! Listen! 
:'''Kim''': Stop it! Shut up! 
:'''Jimmy''': Listen! 
:'''Kim''': SHUT UP!
:'''Lalo''': ''[rolls his eyes]'' Oh, my God! Okay, fine! Yeah, heard! Whatever. Give her the keys, give her the address. Let's go. ''[walks toward the front door]'' 
:'''Kim''': ''[to Jimmy]'' No. Don't... Don't.
:'''Jimmy''': You... you gotta go.
:'''Kim''': ''[softly]'' Don't do this.
:'''Jimmy''': Come on. Hey... ''[whispering]'' Let's go.
:''[Kim reluctantly gets up and is about to leave the apartment, but Lalo stops her]''
:'''Lalo''': Hold on. ''[pause; Kim looks at him]'' You're gonna need your shoes, right? 
:''[Kim stares at Jimmy while she puts her shoes on]'' 
:'''Lalo''': There you go! Okay, ''[looks at watch]'' so one hour starting... now. Clock's ticking, Mrs. Goodman.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo ties Jimmy to a chair while interrogating him about the assassination attempt at his hacienda]'' 
:'''Lalo''': You know, after I saw you last, I went home. My home. ''Mi cielito lindo''... And you know what happened? Men came. Armed men, in the middle of the night. To my home. Trying to get to me. And you know what they did? They killed people I care about. They killed my cook. My gardener. A seventeen-year-old kid I knew since he was knee-high. Never hurt a fly. Butchered my housekeeper, Yolanda. ''Una viejita, cabrón.'' They shot her in the back. 
:'''Jimmy''': ...I'm sorry.
:'''Lalo''': Now, how did these men... get into my home? Do you know? 
:'''Jimmy''': I... I have–I have no idea.
:'''Lalo''': Ignacio Varga. ''He'' let them in. And who did Ignacio introduce me to? ''[taps Jimmy's head]'' You.
:'''Jimmy''': Ignacio... Nacho? ''[brief pause]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa! I–I barely know Ignacio! Whatever he did, he did alone! Not with me! Listen, you gotta believe me! Hand to God, I had no part in this—it wasn't me! ''It was '''Igna—''''' 
:''[Lalo sneaks up from behind and gags Jimmy with a rolled-up shirt]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[through the gag]'' Ignacio! It's not me! Listen, listen! I–I don't know about...
:'''Lalo''': Save it. ''[looks Jimmy in the eyes]'' I'm gonna come back. And then you... are gonna tell me ''the whole story.''
:''[Before leaving the apartment, Lalo presses play on the movie Jimmy and Kim were watching earlier and turns up the volume. He picks up Jimmy's car keys by the front door.]''
:'''Lalo''': Ford Taurus... taupe? ''[rolls eyes and shakes his head before leaving]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike disarms Kim and forces her inside Gus' house before she can shoot. Gus watches Mike question her through surveillance monitors at his neighbors' residence.]''
:'''Kim''': What are you doing?! I–I have to go! I have to—No, wait! 
:'''Mike''': Ms. Wexler, I'd like you to sit down.
:'''Kim''': He'll–He'll kill him! You have to... You—
:'''Mike''': Now, sit there and be calm!
:'''Kim''': No, I have to get back! ''I have to get back!''
:'''Mike''': ''[restrains her and forces her back down]'' Sit ''still''... and stay calm. Now, if you take a deep breath—a ''deep'' breath—nothing's gonna happen here until you calm yourself. Alright? Now, who is killing who?
:'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca! Lalo is going to kill Jimmy! ''[Mike looks shocked]'' He's there! He–he is there with Jimmy now!
:'''Mike''': Salamanca is at your apartment?!
:'''Kim''': Yes! He sent ''me!'' He–he wanted to send Jimmy, but then he sent me.
:'''Mike''': To do what exactly?! ''[pause; Kim hyperventilates]'' Ms. Wexler, you stay with me! What were you supposed to do here?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat; points at a man who looks identical to Gus]'' Shoot him. I'm–I'm supposed to shoot him, and then take a photo, and then get back. That's it. I only have twenty minutes left! Please! ''[Mike quickly looks and nods at one of his guys]'' He is ''alone'' with him!
:'''Mike''': Alright, stay put. We'll handle this. We ''will'' handle this. ''[to Victor]'' You call Tyrus. Get him to the condo ''now.''
:'''Kim''': You said you were watching us! WHERE WERE YOU?! HUH?! ''[Mike leaves]'' '''WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!''' 
:''[Kim tries to get up, but Victor stands in her way and forces her to sit down again]'' 
:'''Victor''': You heard what the man said.
:''[Mike walks through the corridor connecting the two homes and reports to Gus.]''
:'''Mike''': You heard all that? ''[Gus nods]'' Alright. You hunker down here. ''[to two bodyguards]'' You two, you stay with him. A dog barks too loud, you are on the phone with me. ''[to Arthur and Tyrus]'' You two, come with me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After growing restless over Lalo's whereabouts, Gus calls Victor and asks him to speak to Kim about Lalo]''
:'''Gus''': Why did Lalo send you?
:'''Kim''': Who is this? 
:'''Victor''': Answer him. ''[points behind him]''
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' He didn't want to send me. Not at first. He wanted to send my husband... but my husband talked him out of it because he wanted to get me out of there.
:'''Gus''': He... talked Lalo out of it?
:'''Kim''': That's right. ''[pause]'' Now that I've told you everything I know, please tell me. Tell me who—
:''[Gus hangs up the phone and looks at his bodyguards]'' 
:'''Gus''': Come with me. Both of you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo records another video message for Don Eladio while holding Gus at gunpoint at the laundromat. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Lalo:''' Don Eladio, look who we have here. The one and only Gustavo Fring. [''chuckles''] And wearing body armor! Too bad they don't make armor for your head, eh? Now we're gonna take a little walk and show you around. ''Vamanos''. [''clicks tongue''] Don, I would've liked it if we didn't have to rush this so much. We could sit by your pool... strip this snake's skin off, inch by inch. Take our time, have some fun. But he shows up now... who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth? 
:''[Gus stops at one of the large washers]''
:'''Lalo:''' A big machine hides a big secret. We have about... thirteen minutes until his bald ''gringo'' gets here with the cavalry, so Gustavo is going to have to give us the nickel tour. ''[beat; shoots Gus in the chest]'' Like I was saying, Gustavo is going to show us around. 
:''[Gus walks around and pushes a button, which opens the secret passage to the underground meth lab]'' 
:'''Lalo:''' ''Ha!'' Magnificent! I had a bathtub that did this, but... credit where credit is due, this is better. ''[laughs]'' ''Hijo de puta''. 
:''[Gus leads Lalo down a ladder and turns on the lights]''
:'''Lalo:''' [''chuckles; in English''] Okay. Drumroll, please. ''D-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r''... Ta-da! ''[laughs]'' ''Cadenza de wow'', no? ''[in Spanish]'' Don Eladio, I've heard some stories about this place. It took a bunch of German engineers ten months to build all of this. They used two hundred pounds of high explosive. Dug out 120,000 cubic meters of dirt and rock. And all... without disturbing the laundry up there. In the middle of a city with a million people! That's pretty badass, right? 
:''[Gus trips and falls to the ground when Lalo pushes his pistol against his back]''
:'''Lalo''': One moment, Don. ''[puts the camcorder between his teeth as he switches the magazines of his pistol]'' Think of the laboratory you could put here, Don Eladio. ''Eh?'' How much meth you could make... that was his plan. Cut you out to become boss. And now here we are, in this big hole! ''[cackles]'' Gustavo thought he was building an empire, but all he built himself was a tomb. 
:'''Gus:''' You can't kill me.
:'''Lalo:''' Why not?
:'''Gus:''' I haven't told that fat pig Eladio what I think of him yet. 
:'''Lalo:''' ''Hoo-hoo!'' Perfect! You've got one minute. 
:'''Gus:''' Eladio... you greasy, bloated pimp. You talk of honor. But you have none. A pack of stray dogs fighting for scraps has more honor. Jackals. That's all you are! No vision. No patience. No thought. Stupid and impulsive! That is how I did all this. You couldn't see it, couldn't even conceive of it. And you Salamancas... you're the worst vermin of all. You say you believe in &quot;blood for blood&quot; but you only understand blood for money! You're whores!  ''[in English]'' I understand blood for blood. Hector? Yeah, I kept him alive. Kept him broken. I will save him to the last. Before he dies, he will know '''''I''' buried every one of you.'' 
:'''Lalo:''' ''[sniggers]'' Big talk. You done?
:'''Gus:''' No. Not yet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy:''' Lalo said he was coming back.
:'''Mike:''' He's not coming.
:'''Jimmy:''' No, he said he was, he told me—
:'''Mike:''' You understand me? He is ''not coming back.'' Let's sit. ''[pause; Jimmy and Kim remain standing]'' '''''SIT.'''''
:''[Jimmy and Kim sit at the foot of their bed; Mike stands in front of them.]''
:'''Mike:''' Alright. Here's what's gonna happen: In a few days, Howard Hamlin's car will be found several states away by the water. The odometer will have rolled to the exact number of miles it took to get there. There will be cocaine in the upholstery. That was the story you were setting up for this guy, yeah? They'll call it a suicide, hoping the body will come washing up. It never will. At some point, you're gonna hear about it. Someone calls you, someone at the courthouse mentions it—the moment that happens—you call the cops. His car was here for hours last night. Good chance somebody noticed it. That means you are the last people to see him alive. Cops are gonna want to hear from you. You tell the cops you saw him—he came here, seemed like maybe he was chemically altered, didn't make a lick of sense. Then he left, that's all you know. You keep telling the lie you've been telling. Now, Ms. Wexler tells me she has court at ten. What's on your docket? ''[Jimmy doesn't answer]'' Hey. ''Listen.'' Where do you need to be?
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh, office. At my office. Clients start showing up around 9:30. ''Oh'', my car is gone.
:'''Mike:''' No. It's on the way home, you'll have it when you need it. So you two are going to go about your day—normal, same as ever. Today, you're Meryl Streep and Laurence Olivier. No staring into space, nothing out of the ordinary, you ''cover.'' Anybody talks to you, it's just another day that ends in Y, that's all. When you get home, we'll be gone and everything will be back the way it was. Now, I need to impress upon you: none of this ever happened. None of it. Understand? Say it out loud, I need to hear it.
:'''Jimmy:''' ...I understand.
:'''Kim:''' ...It never happened.

=== ''[[w:Fun and Games (Better Call Saul) | Fun and Games]]'' [6.09] ===
:'''Jimmy''': One day, we'll... We'll wake up, and brush our teeth, and we'll go to work. And at some point, we'll suddenly realize... [[w:Bad Choice Road | that we hadn't thought about it at all. None of it]]. ''[pause]'' And that's when we'll know. We'll know we can forget.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gus meets with Don Eladio, Juan Bolsa, and the Salamancas late at night. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Eladio''': Don Hector has made a very serious accusation. 
:''[One of the Cousins hands a letter to Don Juan]'' 
:'''Bolsa''': These are Don Hector's words. Dictated to Leonel and Marco, letter by letter. &quot;The assault on my nephew's hacienda failed. Lalo fought the assassins and won. The day after the attack, Lalo called me. I heard the truth from his own lips. It was Fring who sent the mercenaries, not the Peruvians. We kept Lalo's survival a secret. My nephew was about to take his revenge on the traitor, face-to-face. Instead, he disappeared. It is the Chicken Man's doing. Don Eladio, look into Fring's eyes. There you will see the truth. The Chicken Man hates you. He is our enemy. He plots against us. I demand blood for blood.&quot;
:''[Bolsa folds the letter and sits back down]''
:'''Eladio''': Well, Gustavo?
:'''Gus''': ''[pause]'' I have no response.
:'''Bolsa''': Gustavo, you must speak. Have you no defense?
:'''Gus''': With all due respect, I don't believe this merits a response.
:'''Eladio''': Did you witness these phone calls from Lalo? ''[Leonel and Marco shake their heads]'' I was told you saw Lalo's body.
:'''Leonel''': Yes.
:'''Marco''': It was burned.
:'''Eladio''': Didn't the ''federales'' check the teeth?
:'''Bolsa''': Yes, Don Eladio. My brother tells me the dental records matched. 
:'''Eladio''': And that rat, Varga... What did he say before he died?
:'''Bolsa''': He said he was in the pay of the Peruvians, Los Odios. We know he took their money, we found bank statements.
:'''Eladio''': ''[beat; looks at his watch]'' Well... It's late. Don Hector... Since you've come a long way, tonight you sleep in my bed. ''[Hector angrily rings his bell repeatedly in protest]'' No, I insist. No arguing. I'm giving you my room. Very comfortable. And who knows? Maybe a couple of the girls will come to visit! ''[pause; Hector continues ringing his bell]'' Please. ''[Leonel and Marco carry Hector by his wheelchair and leave]'' Good night, Hector. Sleep well. ''[to Gus]'' I'd invite you to stay as well, Gustavo, but... I don't want my breakfast ruined by all the... ''[mocks Hector ringing his bell and laughs]'' Ay-yay-yay. ''[beat]'' The peace must be kept. What do you suggest?
:'''Gus''': I wouldn't presume.
:'''Eladio''': The South Valley will stay Salamanca territory. And the rest of the North, that'll be for you to manage. Working under Bolsa.
:'''Bolsa''': Thank you, Don Eladio.
:'''Gus''': ''[rises with Eladio out of his chair]'' Thank you. Your trust means everything, Don Eladio.
:'''Eladio''': ''Bueno.'' Gustavo... ''[long pause]'' When I looked into your eyes... Hate. A little bit's okay. As long as you never forget who's boss. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike meets with Nacho's father outside his shop to let him know about Nacho's fate]''
:'''Manuel''': Who are you?
:'''Mike''': It's not important.
:'''Manuel''': I saw you here before. [[w:Cobbler (Better Call Saul)|Chrysler Fifth Avenue]]. What about my son?
:'''Mike''': I'm sorry, he won't be found. ''[pause]'' It was over fast. No pain.
:'''Manuel''': You were there?
:'''Mike''': I was there. Your son made some mistakes, he fell in with bad people... but he was never like them. Not really. He had a good heart. One more thing: you won't have to worry about the Salamancas. Their day is coming. There'll be justice.
:'''Manuel''': Justice?
:'''Mike''': I'm sorry, my Spanish - j-''justicia.'' Justice.
:'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' What you talk about... is not justice. What you talk of is... ''revenge.'' It never ends... my boy is gone. ''[scoffs, speaks in Spanish]'' You gangsters and your &quot;justice.&quot; You're all the same.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim approach Cliff and Howard's widow, Cheryl, at a memorial reception in the offices of HHM.]''
:'''Kim:''' Cliff.
:'''Cliff:''' Kim, Jimmy.
:'''Cheryl:''' Kim, hi.
:''[Jimmy extends his hand to Cheryl; she doesn't take it]''
:'''Jimmy:''' Hi, Cheryl. I'm Jimmy McGill. You may not remember me. I'm Chuck McGill's brother.
:'''Cheryl:''' Of course.
:'''Jimmy:''' Very sorry for your loss. ''[sighs]''
:'''Kim:''' Cheryl, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. If Jimmy and I can do anything for you or your family, please just say the word.
:''[Jimmy and Kim are about to walk away]''
:'''Cheryl:''' There is something, actually. You two were the last ones to see him, weren't you?
:'''Kim:''' Um...
:'''Jimmy:''' I guess so. Uh, that's what the police said.
:'''Cheryl:''' Howard told me that you were harassing him, playing elaborate pranks of some sort. That you wouldn't leave him alone.
:'''Jimmy:''' I know he thought that. He—he—he told me as well. Um, I think he honestly believed it.
:'''Cheryl:''' But you're denying it.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' You know what, I didn't leave here under the best terms. The past few years, I could have been more considerate to Howard instead of yitzing him every chance I got. I guess, uh, there was a certain amount of jealousy on my part because Howard had the, uh, respect of my brother. Which I never did. ''[Jimmy steps away]''
:'''Cheryl:''' Tell me what you told the police. 
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' Okay, um... Well, I mean, it was 11pm. Howard started pounding on our door. He was very upset, going on about something, um, he thought was my fault, uh... Guess it had to do with the Sandpiper case. But I—I couldn't make head or tail out of it. We tried to calm him down. But... he just—he just wouldn't, um... Finally, he left. That's—that's it.
:'''Cheryl:''' I'm not oblivious. I know people are saying he was on drugs. Is that what you're trying to tell me?
:'''Jimmy:''' I just... He just didn't seem like himself.
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' Are you hearing all of this? Because none of it makes sense to me. 
:'''Cliff:''' Cheryl, maybe we should just—
:'''Cheryl:''' I don't care what people are saying. I don't care what the police think. Howard was not on drugs. That simply is not true. There's something more to this. 
:'''Kim:''' I don't know if it's my place, but... I—I...
:'''Cheryl:''' Please. Just spit it out. ''[sharply inhales]''
:'''Kim:''' ''[sighs]'' It was about a year-and-a-half ago. I was still an associate here, working late on a brief. And I saw a light on in Howard's office. I assumed the cleaning crew left it on by mistake. And I was sure that office was empty, so I didn't knock.
:'''Cheryl:''' ...And?
:'''Kim:''' And Howard was there at his desk, head down. And he was snorting something. 
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[scoffs]''
:'''Kim:''' I looked at him. He looked at me. I didn't know what to do, so I just walked out. And the next morning, when we saw each other, neither of us ever said anything about it. I never told anyone. But now I wish I had. 
:''[Long pause]''
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' In all the years that you worked with him, have you witnessed anything like this? Even a hint? Cliff...
:'''Cliff:''' I... Cheryl, this really isn't the time or the place.
:''[Cheryl begins to cry]''
:'''Kim:''' Cheryl. You were his wife. You saw him every day. You knew him better than anyone. Maybe I misunderstood what I saw. You would have known. 
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[voice breaking]'' Please excuse me.
:''[Cheryl retreats into a women's restroom]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kim and her client are sitting in a courtroom as the presiding judge, Gabriel Dearden, takes the bench]''
:'''Bailiff:''' All rise. Court is now in session, the Honorable Judge Dearden presiding.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Good afternoon. We are here to discuss a motion to exclude evidence in ''State of New Mexico vs. Yarborough''. 
:'''Kim:''' ''[rises]'' Your honor, if I may. I submitted an additional motion. I'm assuming you have not seen it yet.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Did we get that?
:'''Secretary:''' It just came in, judge.
:''[The secretary approaches the bench and hands the motion to Judge Dearden]''
:'''Kim:''' I apologize, it was a last-minute addition. 
:'''Judge Dearden:''' &quot;Last minute&quot; is right. ''[looking through the motion]'' 
:''[Pause]''
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ...Do I understand this correctly? You're requesting to withdraw from this case?
:'''Kim:''' Yes, your honor. My client is fully informed. And I've already been in touch with another attorney, Paige Novick. She's highly qualified and familiar with the case. She's prepared to step if you'll allow it.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Ms. Wexler, Mr. Orenstein, approach the bench.
:''[Kim and the prosecutor do so]''
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[to Kim]'' Ms. Wexler, we are here today at your insistence to consider your motion to exclude evidence. And this is the moment you choose to withdraw?
:'''Kim:''' It was unavoidable.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' May I ask why?
:'''Kim:''' Personal reasons, your honor.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' &quot;Personal reasons.&quot; Are we talking about a health issue, something to do with a loved one?
:'''Kim:''' No.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you rather discuss privately in chambers?
:'''Kim:''' Thank you for the consideration, but no.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you care to supply any detail at all?
:'''Kim:''' Your honor, I prefer not to.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[pause; to Orenstein]'' ...Mr. Orenstein, is the state prepared to discuss Ms. Wexler's motion?
:'''Orenstein:''' We are, your honor. Absolutely.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' You know what, Ms. Wexler? Mr. Orenstein's here. I'm here. We all showed up for your party, and now you're taking away the punch bowl. I'm inclined to have you argue your motion, then I'll consider later writing petitions. 
:'''Kim:''' I'm sorry for wasting the court's time, your honor, but it's impossible for me to continue with this hearing.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' And why is that, Ms. Wexler?
:'''Kim:''' Because I'm no longer an attorney. 
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[brief pause]'' ...I'm sorry, what?
:'''Kim:''' I gave notice to the bar two hours ago.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy arrives home after hearing the news that Kim has quit her legal career]''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''You did what?!'' Why?! ''WHY?!'' Alright, alright, I know why. But Kim, you can't just—
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy, I—
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Shhh!'' Just let me say my piece, okay? Just—Let's take a breath here! Kim, after everything that happened... I mean, Jesus! I get it! You want to climb out of your own skin! That's natural! But Kim, you don't just throw everything away! Th-th-this is your life! You're a lawyer! What about your clients, huh? What about, uh... that poor guy, Mr. Yarborough? What about the kid in foster care? Huh?! You give them everything you got! Who are they going to find who is half as good as you?! No one! They need you!
:'''Kim:''' It's already done.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Ugh!'' ''[pause]'' Okay, what's done can be undone. All I'm saying is just—just let's take a week or two to think it over. For now, we're gonna take some time off. God knows we need it. We're gonna to find a new place, we're—we're gonna leave here. We're never, ever gonna come back here again. Okay? We're gonna—we're gonna put it behind us! Things will look brighter! I guarantee it! But first we have to fix this. So we're gonna go back to the hotel room, and you're gonna write letters. You're gonna write a letter to the bar, you're gonna write letters to your clients. You—you—you dictate, I will type. We're gonna roll this thing back. I'll order a pizza, we'll pull an all-nighter. Because we're in this together. Okay? So I'm gonna go get your—your printer, and then we're gonna get the hell out of here.
:''[Jimmy turns to head into the bedroom]''
:'''Kim:''' Wait— Jimmy. Jimmy!
:''[Jimmy enters the bedroom to discover half-full boxes and luggage everywhere]''
:'''Kim:''' You asked if you were bad for me. That's not it. We are bad for each other. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Kim. Don't do this. Kim, please.
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy... ''[holding back tears]'' ...I have had the time of my life with you. But we are bad for everyone around us. Other people suffer because of us. Apart we're okay, but together we're poison. 
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[shakes his head]'' No, no. Just tell me what I need to do to change, okay? Just tell me what it is, and I'll do it. 
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy...
:'''Jimmy:''' No, Kim. You make me happy. We make each other happy. How can that be bad? Hey... I love you.
:'''Kim:''' I love you, too. ''[voice breaking]'' But so what? 
:'''Jimmy:''' No. No. No, Kim, you're wrong! ''This is about '''Howard!''''' Okay?! What happened to him wasn't on us! It wasn't your fault! It wasn't ''my'' fault! It was that ''fucking Lalo Salamanca!'' That psychopath came back from the dead and he walked through that door! He did this! Not us, ''him!'' 
:'''Kim:''' I knew.
:'''Jimmy:''' You knew wh-what?
:'''Kim:''' I knew he was alive.
:'''Jimmy:''' No, you didn't.
:'''Kim:''' It was about a month ago. I saw that car following me again. And it turned out that Mike Ehrmantraut had guys watching both of us, watching for Lalo. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Mike... Mike told you that Lalo was alive? ''[Kim nods]'' And you didn't tell me?
:'''Kim:''' ''[pause]'' Jimmy... I thought... I thought it was a one-in-a-million chance that he'd come for us. I thought he would be caught if he did. And I told myself I was protecting you. But that's not the truth. The reason I didn't tell you was because I knew what you'd do.
:'''Jimmy:''' Wh-what would I do?
:'''Kim:''' You'd—you'd blame yourself. You'd fear for me. You'd want us to run and hide until you were sure I was safe. You would pull the plug on the scam, and then... ''[pause]'' ...and then, we'd break up. And I didn't want that. Because I was having too much ''fun''.
:''[Kim breaks down crying and returns to the bedroom to pack; Jimmy stands in the living room in silence]''

=== ''[[w:Nippy (Better Call Saul) | Nippy]]'' [6.10] ===
:''[Saul is confronted by Jeff after he unexpectedly shows up at his home]''
:'''Jeff''': Dude, what the fuck?!
:'''Saul''': I know, it's awkward, right? But you don't have to call me Dad. Yet.
:'''Jeff''': I don't know what this is about, but all I have to do is pick up the phone and it's &quot;Bye-bye, Saul Goodman.&quot;
:'''Saul''': Yeah, but you haven't picked up the phone yet, have ya? Or tried to strong-arm me for cash. And guess what? I know why. Because reward money—blackmail—that's not gonna tickle your pickle. I know what you really want. 
:'''Jeff''': Oh, yeah? What's that?
:'''Saul''': You want in the game.
:'''Jeff''': The game? What—what game?
:'''Saul''': The ''game.'' The one you've been watching your entire life. You got your nose pressed up against the glass, peering in while the big boys play.
:'''Jeff''': Speak English, man. What the hell are you talking about?
:'''Saul''': ''The game.'' It's right there. You can see it, but you can't touch it yet. ''[pause]'' Cars, clothes. The cash, the ladies. It's about knowing all the angles, you know? Putting all on the line and winning ''big.'' But here you are, Jeffy. Standing outside with the suckers, trying to pay off that cab, sweating the bills. You're getting older. It's—it's so close, but dammit you just can't get in! Until now. I can make it happen.
:'''Jeff''': ''[beat]'' You?
:'''Saul''': Saul Goodman. ''[pause]'' So, here's the deal. I will show you the game, and then we're done. 
:''[Jeff stares at Saul for another moment before smiling]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jeff runs around a maze in the outline of a mall. Saul, on a loudspeaker, shouts directions to him.]''
:'''Saul''': Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! HALT!
:''[Jeff stops, breathing heavily.]''
:'''Jeff:''' What?!
:'''Saul''': That's too many, you gotta be precise! Just three of each.
:'''Jeff:''' Why? And why do I gotta run around like an asshole?
:'''Saul''': I already told you! Three minutes, got it? That's our window!
:'''Jeff:''' Yeah, but why three minutes?
:'''Saul''': Because at three minutes, that's when security sees you on the cameras and the cops haul your ass to jail, alright? So let's go.
:'''Jeff:''' Wait, there's cameras?
:'''Saul''': Sure there's cameras! They erase the tapes every seventy-two hour, so that's why you only take three of each, and only the pricey stuff. When the store opens the next morning, they won't even know they were robbed. By the time they do inventory, abra cadabra, no more Jeffy on the tape! Right, so, three items, three minutes... It's easy. Let's go.
:''[Jeff walks back to the start of the maze.]''
:'''Saul''': How many of each?
:'''Jeff:''' Three...
:'''Saul''': Pigs get fat, hogs get slaughtered!
:'''Jeff:''' I don't know...
:'''Saul''': What don't you know?
:'''Jeff:''' Just, this whole thing, it seems crazy!
:'''Saul''': Is this too hot for you?! Ju— You know what, just say so! You know what? Screw it. &quot;Crazy?&quot; I'll tell you what's crazy! [[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad) | Fifty-year-old high school chemistry teacher]] [[w:Breaking Bad | comes into my office. The guy is so broke, he can't pay his own mortgage. One year later, he's got a pile of cash as big as a Volkswagen.]] ''That's'' crazy.
:'''Jeff's Friend:''' I'll do it.
:'''Jeff:''' This sounds good to you?
:'''Jeff's Friend:''' I think it'll work. 
:'''Saul''': Well, look at you! Hey, you're young. You're probably, uh... Fast in the feet, huh?
:'''Jeff:''' O-Okay, I didn't say I wouldn't do it! I just... Had some questions about, like... Logistics.
:'''Saul''': Are you in or out?
:'''Jeff:''' In.
:'''Saul''': ''[sighs]'' Okay, back to one. ''[He speaks into the loudspeaker as Jeff sets himself up.]'' Check, test, one-two, one-two.  Okay! And ready, set, action!
:''[Jeff begins running.]''
:'''Saul''': Move, move, move! Pick up the pace! Go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! Let's go, let's go, let's go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[On the night of the robbery, Saul watches Jeff through the mall cameras while one of the security guards, Frank, is eating a Cinnabon roll with his back facing the cameras.]'' 
:'''Saul''': How about that 44-21 win against the Cavs?
:'''Frank''': Be still my heart. ''[laughs]''
:'''Saul''': Seventy-six yard pass to Reggie Ball, and–and never sacked once. 
:'''Frank''': Wow, you have got quite the memory.
:'''Saul''': ...Yeah, well—I'll tell you what. I can remember every stitch of clothing I was wearing during that game, but ask me what I had for dinner and... ''[whistles]'' Clean slate.
:'''Frank''': Tell me about it! ''[Saul checks his stopwatch, which is at two minutes and fifteen seconds]'' Well, I'll tell ya: If you're not passing the ball, that's what's gonna happen. ''[eats another bite]'' Mmm! 
:''[Eventually, Jeff runs with the last round of clothes when he slips and falls. Saul chokes on his coffee.]''
:'''Frank''': You okay?
:'''Saul''': ''[coughs]'' Wrong pipe.
:'''Frank''': Oh, okay. So, you think our guys are move to the Big Ten like they're sayin'?
:'''Saul''': ''[pause]'' Big Ten?
:'''Frank''': Yeah, you know, maybe they're just chasing the almighty dollar if you ask me. I mean, both powerhouses of course. But, you know what? You got Oklahoma and Texas over here. But Michigan, Ohio State over there! ''[Saul looks nervously at the cameras]'' I... I don't know. Guess  I like tradition. ''[chuckles; sighs as he takes yet another bite]'' So good. Just amazing. Wow. 
:''[After Saul realizes Jeff is out cold, he fakes a nervous breakdown to distract Frank]''
:'''Saul''': God, what am I doing?
:'''Frank''': What?
:'''Saul''': ''[cries out again as Frank turns his head towards the cameras]'' Look at me! Wha—I don't know what... ''[sobs]'' Oh, Jesus! 
:'''Frank''': Gene?
:'''Saul''': Oh, God. You... you have a wife, right, Frank?
:'''Frank''': Yeah.
:'''Saul''': Yeah?
:'''Frank''': Yeah.
:'''Saul''': She's waiting for you? ''[Frank nods]'' Look at me. I got... I got no one. My parents are dead. [[w:Chuck McGill | My brother]]... ''[beat; looks down]'' My brother is dead. I, uh... I don't have a wife. No kids, no friends. If I die tonight, no one would care. What difference would it make?
:''[Saul looks up again and notices Jeff slowly getting himself up]''
:'''Frank''': Gene, buddy... I—I'm sure you mean a lot to... to a lot of—lots of people. ''[turns his head around]''
:'''Saul''': ''[slams fist on table]'' If I die tonight, my landlord would pack up my stuff. It'd take him three hours. And Cinnabon would just hire a new manager. Gene who?! Poof, I'd be gone! I'd be... a–a ghost. No, not a ghost. I'd be a... a shadow. I'd just mean ''nothing.'' I mean, Frank... What's the ''point'', Frank? What's the...
:''[Saul sees Jeff put away the clothes in the box. He groans as he watches Jeff run out of the warehouse, then claps when he's out of sight]''
:'''Saul''': ''[sighs]'' I'm sorry. You didn't need to hear that.
:'''Frank''': No, no, no. That's–that's okay. No, that is okay. Everybody has bad days.
:'''Saul''': You've felt like this?
:'''Frank''': ...No. I mean, not me, but... people. I think a lot of people.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Saul''': You guys enjoying yourselves? Well, hold to that feeling, 'cause this is it.
:'''Jeff''': Yeah, we know.
:'''Saul''': Well, in case you forget, you transported stolen goods with a value exceeding $5,000. And the truck you used to do it was rented in Council Bluffs across state lines.
:'''Jeff''': You told us to rent the truck over there, so—
:'''Saul''': ''[motions for Jeff to stop talking]'' Theft from an interstate shipment, up to ten years. Transportation of stolen goods, another ten years. Sale of stolen goods, ten years. Conspiracy to commit a federal crime—
:'''Jeff's Friend''': Whoa, hold on. Conspiracy? It was your idea.
:'''Saul''': Yeah. It's called mutually assured destruction, so... if I go down, you go down.
:'''Jeff''': Man, you don't have to threaten us. We're all friends, here.
:'''Saul''': I am not your friend. And if you get greedy, and you decide to come back for more, ''don't.'' Gene Takavic, you've never heard of him. Cottonwood Mall, you don't go there. You see me comin', you cross to the other side of the street. 
:'''Jeff''': Dude.
:'''Saul''': Now, I need you to say it. We're done.
:'''Jeff''': ''[pause; laughs]'' Come on! 
:'''Saul''': Say it. ''We're done. '''Say it.'''''
:'''Jeff''': ''[beat; looks at his friend briefly]'' We're done.
:'''Jeff's Friend''': We're–we're done.

=== [6.11] ===

=== [6.12] ===

=== [6.13] ===

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Better Call Saul seasons]]
[[Category:Split television seasons]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3147972</id>
      <parentid>3147968</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T02:01:32Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>DemonDrake</username>
        <id>3100809</id>
      </contributor>
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----
:'''Season''' [[Better Call Saul (season 1)|1]] [[Better Call Saul (season 2)|2]] [[Better Call Saul (season 3)|3]] [[Better Call Saul (season 4)|4]] [[Better Call Saul (season 5)|5]] [[Better Call Saul (season 6)|6]] | [[Better Call Saul|'''Main''']]
----

The following is a list of quotes from the sixth season of ''[[Better Call Saul]]''.

=== ''[[w:Wine and Roses|Wine and Roses]]'' [6.01] ===
:''[Mike, Gus, and Tyrus gather in the office trailer at the Los Pollos Hermanos chicken farm to discuss the aftermath of the attempted hit on Lalo Salamanca.]''
:'''Gus:''' Tell me again about the ''sicario'' who made the final report.
:'''Tyrus:''' He was already wounded when he talked to our cutout. Federales found him dead at the scene. But they got Salamanca.
:'''Gus:''' The mercenaries are dead. To a man. And yet their mission was a success?
:'''Mike:''' It has been known to happen. Now you go down there and get Varga, bring him home safe. There's ways to do it on the quiet. 
:''[Long pause; Gus and Tyrus both stare at him.]''
:'''Mike:''' ''[scoffs]'' ...Unless you already have something in the works.
:''[Tyrus turns and exits the trailer. Mike and Gus speak alone.]''
:'''Gus:''' Speak your mind.
:'''Mike:''' Loyalty goes both ways. Varga's done everything you asked him. 
:'''Gus:''' He wasn't given a choice.
:'''Mike:''' Maybe so, but he played a tough game. And he played it on the square. 
:'''Gus:''' ...And?
:'''Mike:''' When all is said and done, the kid deserves your respect.
:'''Gus:''' He has it. Is there more you wish to say?
:''[After a long pause, Mike exits the trailer.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim have dinner at a diner; conversation turns to the Ford Taurus that Jimmy has rented.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' I rented us a car. It's the Ford.
:'''Kim:''' So Saul Goodman drives a brown Ford Taurus?
:'''Jimmy:''' Detroit calls that taupe, I believe.
:'''Kim:''' Don't you think Saul Goodman would drive something with a little more... flair?
:'''Jimmy:''' Such as?
:'''Kim:''' I don't know. Definitely American-made. Something showy. And Saul Goodman has an office. Something eye-catching. Good location.
:'''Jimmy:''' By the courthouse?
:'''Kim:''' Yeah. A cathedral of justice.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Ooooh'', a cathedral of justice. Okay, yeah.
:'''Kim:''' We should start looking for something for you. I mean, for Saul.
:'''Jimmy:''' Sold. When do we start?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At the courthouse, Jimmy is confronted by the district attorney who prosecuted Lalo during his bail hearing]''
:'''ADA Khalil''': I've been calling you for two days.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, my girl's out sick. What can I do you for?
:'''ADA Khalil''': Tomorrow morning, 10 A.M.
:'''Jimmy''': Brunch? But just you and me, right? ''[points at Detective Roberts]'' I mean, won't the big fella here feel like a third wheel?
:'''ADA Khalil''': You and I are meeting Parson in chambers. I am asking for an emergency hearing to alter the terms of De Guzman's release.
:'''Jimmy''': Sounds like a blast. Unfortunately, I'm booked solid. 
:'''Detective Roberts''': I checked your client's place of residence. The address he gave, it's a Dairy Queen in Altamonte. The family that showed at the bail hearing can't be located. No driver's license, no tax rolls, no school records. Nothing. The fact is, there isn't a single Elizabeth McKinnon under the age of 73 living in New Mexico.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, this is–this is surprising.
:'''ADA Khalil''': Your client has disappeared, and I'm not waiting six weeks to start looking for him.
:'''Jimmy''': Hey, my guy put up seven million in bail. You think he's just gonna walk away from that?
:'''Detective Roberts''': Who comes up with seven million bucks in cash?
:'''ADA Khalil''': You know what I think? I think the family was fake. ''[to Jimmy]'' And I think you knew it the whole time.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, hold up. Just get real for a second. The hearing didn't go your way, and now you're trying for a do-over? You say my guy ran, I say he's got seven million reasons for showing up when he's legally required to do so. So, no, I won't be... uh, due process window dressing at any crash meeting with Parson. And if you try throwing any of this crap around in front of the judge without my presence, here's an accusation: Prosecutorial misconduct. ''Career-ending'' prosecutorial misconduct!
:'''Detective Roberts''': None of that changes the fact the guy's not who he said he was.
:'''Jimmy''': No, no, no! Hold on! You guys got caught with your pants around your ankles, and somehow that's on me?! I don't think so! ''[points at ADA Khalil]''  You got two dozen lawyers up there! You got investigators—you got the whole damn police force—and it's ''my'' fault that you can't keep track of Lalo?! ''That is '''not''' my job!''
:'''ADA Khalil''': Lalo? Who's Lalo?
:'''Jimmy''': What?! ''[blinks hard]'' What did I say... I meant De Guzman. I have more than one client! ''[chuckles]'' So... ''[clears throat]'' I will see you at the preliminary in six weeks as scheduled. Until then, I have clients who need me.
:''[Jimmy walks into an empty courtroom and sits down while contemplating his slip-up]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy takes a guided tour of the country club where Howard and Cliff are members, meeting with a tour guide named Norm in the main lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Hi, Norm Wakely. I understand you're in the market for a tour.
:'''Jimmy:''' That's right. Saul Goodman.
:'''Norm:''' Great to meet you, Mr. Goodman. 
:'''Jimmy:''' No please, call me Saul.
:'''Norm:''' Great. So Saul, can I get you anything before we get started? The coffee here is just unbeatable. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh, well, I'm fine. I'm fully caffeinated. 
:''[Kevin Wachtell walks into the room and becomes upset upon seeing Jimmy in the lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Well Saul, you and I are standing on hallowed ground. Five presidents have played on our course, starting with Dwight D. Eisenhower. But the story goes back even further than that–
:'''Kevin:''' ''Norm.''
:''[Jimmy and Norm turn toward Kevin.]''
:'''Kevin:''' Can I have a sec, please?
:'''Jimmy:''' Kevin, hey. How's it going?
:'''Norm:''' Uh, I'm sorry. I'm sure this will just be a moment.
:''[Norm goes over to Kevin and talks to him for a few moments, clearly being instructed to remove Jimmy from the premises.]''
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman. I'm so sorry, but I've just been reminded that in fact we have a two-year waiting list.
:'''Jimmy:''' Two years, wow. Maybe I could go on the tour anyway. I mean, 'cause I'm here. Just in case.
:'''Norm:''' Well unfortunately, we've suspended tours for the moment.
:'''Jimmy:''' You're not even giving tours?
:'''Norm:''' I apologize for the inconvenience. We–we'll be happy to call you if the situation changes. You left your number?
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh-huh.
:'''Norm:''' Well, we'll be in touch. If the situation changes. Again, I–I am sorry for your time and trouble. We just– ''[sighs]'' We had a few crosswires.
:'''Jimmy:''' Well... okay then.
:'''Norm:''' Thank you.
:''[Jimmy is about the leave the lounge, but impulsively stops, turns around, and approaches Norm again.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Norm:''' Oh, yes.
:'''Jimmy:''' Um, just so I understand: you were going to give me a tour and then realized you don't need new members?
:'''Norm:''' We have a waiting list.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, but you're the membership director... 
:'''Norm:''' I know.
:'''Jimmy:''' ...so you would have known that before. It doesn't really add up. I mean, I came in and everyone was rolling out the red carpet, and then all of a sudden something changed. I don't–
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman, I–
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Goodman.'' The name. The second you heard it, everything turned on a dime. Wow. Waiting list? I think you're talking about an ''exclusion'' list. It's okay, I should have known. Because, I mean, look! ''[raises his voice and walks to the middle of the lounge, where everyone can see him]'' It's wall-to-wall mayonnaise in here! So listen, if you're going to be restrictive, have the courage to say so!
:'''Norm:''' There's no question–
:'''Jimmy:''' There it is, folks! Anti-Semitism, alive and well right here in Albuquerque!
:'''Norm:''' Sir! We have many Jewish members!
:'''Jimmy:''' Oh good. Well, you met your quota then. Gold star for you.
:''[Kevin, flanked by two of his golf buddies, interjects.]''
:'''Kevin:''' Hold on. That's gotta be the biggest load of horse crap I've ever heard in my life. Go crawl back in your hole, McGill or Goodman – whatever you're calling yourself. What are you up to, anyway? Ginning up another one of your put-up job lawsuits? You two-faced, blackmailing, money-grubbing son of a bitch–
:'''Jimmy:''' Money-grubbing! You're saying the quiet part out loud, I think.
:'''Norm:''' Gentlemen, can we just keep the volume down?
:'''Kevin:''' You know damn well that's not what I meant!
:'''Jimmy:''' In this day and age, I'd hoped and prayed we'd be beyond this.
:'''Kevin:''' You're about as Jewish as my Aunt Fannie!
:'''Jimmy:''' Five-thousand years and it never ends!
:''[Kevin tries to take a swing at Jimmy, but is held back by his golf buddies.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Here it is! Violence! It always comes to this!''
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Wachtell, please!
:'''Kevin's Buddy:''' Come on, Kev.
:'''Kevin:''' ''[to Jimmy]'' You go to hell, you lying sack of shit.
:''[Kevin and his golf buddies leave the lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Sir. Mr. Goodman, I don't know what to say. That is not–
:'''Jimmy:''' I wouldn't be a member here. I wouldn't walk through those doors again after what happened to me here today. ''[feigns tears]'' Do you at least have a bathroom that I could use, seeing as how my– Stress like that is hell on my diverticulitis. 
:'''Norm:''' The men's locker room is the closest. It's straight through there.
:'''Jimmy:''' And I would be allowed to go in there?
:'''Norm:''' Yes, of course.
:'''Jimmy:''' I want you to know I don't blame you personally. I know you were just following orders. ''[to everyone in the lounge]'' It's okay, folks! I'm leaving! All is well!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo is preparing to be smuggled across the border with a group of undocumented immigrants when he decides to call the Casa Tranquila Nursing Home and speak to Hector. A nurse holds a phone up to Hector's ear in the common room. Hector uses his bell to communicate.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle, can you hear me? Do you know my voice?
:''[Hector visibly recognizes Lalo's voice.]''
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings bell twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' They told you about the attack, didn't they?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Let them keep believing I'm dead. So much the better. It was the chicken man. That coward sat up there in the north while his paramilitaries came into my home. My home, Uncle! Screw Bolsa, screw Eladio. I'm coming north. I'm going to hurt him. Hurt him like you taught me. And then I will kill him. 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings repeatedly in agreement]''
:'''Lalo:''' What is it?
:''[The nurse takes the phone from Hector.]''
:'''Nurse:''' Hector? ''[to Lalo]'' Excuse me. I'm so sorry, but Hector seems a little upset.
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. Um, I'm just– I'm sharing a bit of family news, some good, some bad. Would you mind putting him back on? It will only be a minute.
:'''Nurse:''' Of course.
:''[The nurse again holds the phone to Hector's ear.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' What is it? Do you have another idea? 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' Okay, let's see. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, Ñ, O, P–
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' P? That's right?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Okay. What's next? A, B, C, D...
:''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings twice.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ...L, M, N, Ñ...
:''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings once.]''
:'''Lalo:''' U? ''Prueba?'' 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Is that what you're saying? Proof?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' Uncle, I don't have any proof. For months I was in the north watching him, following his men. There was nothing.
:''[Lalo has a flash of realization.]''
:'''Lalo:''' Wait... There is proof. I know where to find it. Goodbye, Uncle. You will see me soon.

=== ''[[w:Carrot and Stick|Carrot and Stick]]'' [6.02] ===
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;I was a hard worker. I was a company man. Twenty years, and I didn't miss a single day. They even gave me a plaque for it. ''[sighs]'' It was a gold plaque. Perfect attendance... But when they handed it to me, I wrenched my back. I was in so much pain, I couldn't do my job... ''[sighs again]'' which meant I couldn't put food on the table. I didn't want to sue... but with a family to support, what choice did I have?&quot;
:'''Kim''': Wait, who are you supposed to be again?
:'''Jimmy''': Whatever. The backstory is just a placeholder. I'm gonna polish the script once we cast.
:'''Kim''': But a personal injury suit? Best case scenario, that gets him in with an associate.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[throws hands up]'' Mesothelioma. ''[clears his throat]'' &quot;When I took that job down at the shoe factory, I had no idea I was risking my life. Now, I can't stop coughin'!&quot; Right? Come on! Hey, a mesothelioma class-action built Clifford Main his vacation house. He hears &quot;mesothelioma,&quot; his eyes pop!
:'''Kim''': Well, sure. But then he takes the case. What happens when he asks for a medical evaluation? And how does Howard come up?
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, ask me why I'm here.
:'''Kim''': What brings you to Davis &amp; Main today?
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;I'm sick. I'm really sick...&quot;
:'''Kim''': Good.
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;...and it's not mesothelioma, but it's not good. And I need a lawyer, and the pickings are slim. I already went to HHM. I met with their top guy, Howard Hamlin, and uh... Uhhh, I–I got a brother-in-law and he's got a pretty nasty coke habit, very similar energy. Just put me off. Anyway, I need a lawyer, blah-blah-blah.&quot;
:'''Kim''': Okay, but you got a bad feeling from just one meeting?
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, I had the brother-in-law with the coke.
:'''Kim''': Yeah, but you were only in the room with him once.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, so it's gotta be something with a history with Howard.
:'''Kim''': Yeah.
:'''Jimmy''': But Cliff has to want to take the meeting, but not the case.
:'''Kim''': Right. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[sighs]'' It's gotta be good, but not too good.
:'''Kim''': Exactly. There's a sweet spot, you know. Like a magnet. We–we pull Cliff in, and then repel him. ''[beat]'' Oh!
:'''Jimmy''': What?
:'''Kim''': ''[sighs]'' You are going to ''hate'' this...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy tracks down the Kettlemans to their shady tax preparation office and tries to rope them into his and Kim's plan to ruin Howard]'' 
:'''Betsy''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've got some nerve coming here after what you did! ''[shoves Jimmy]'' ''Leave!'' Because of you, we lost ''everything!'' Our kids are in public school! So why don't you go crawl back under whatever slime-covered rock you came from and leave us the heck alone?! 
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, I sense some anger here, but that's–that's perfectly understandable. Since you brought it up, I came here today because I was curious if you two wanted your lives back. There's actually a legal term for it: Exoneration. 
:'''Craig''': Oh. You know, we actually did look into that.
:'''Betsy''': Yep.
:'''Craig''': We went to a number of lawyers, and—
:'''Betsy''': ''Real'' lawyers.
:'''Craig''': Yes. They were all terrific, but they said that it was impossible.
:'''Betsy''': ''Mm-hmm''.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, but those lawyers don't know what I know.
:'''Craig''': What's that?
:'''Betsy''': No, Craig. He's got an angle.
:'''Jimmy''': I ''do'' have an angle, Craig. It's an angle called justice. ''[Betsy scoffs and snickers]'' Let me put it this way: I think that within Craig's case, I have found the grounds for a civil suit. A big one. ''[pause; quietly]'' Big. 
:'''Betsy''': ''[long pause; looks at Craig]'' Okay, then. Let's hear it.
:'''Jimmy''': Let's hold your horses, because we've been down this road before. [[w:Uno (Better Call Saul)|And the last time I gave you two advice, you went straight to the competition with it.]] ''[pulls out a piece of paper from inside his suit]'' So, I just need some assurances that all my hard work isn't gonna end up in the hands of, uh, Clifford Main or some other asshole at some pretentious high-pay, white-shoe law firm. So before we talk turkey, letters of engagement. 
:'''Craig''': Yes.
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, you remember these. I made some updates, just closed a few loopholes and whatnot. So... ''[holds out paper and pen]''
:'''Betsy''': ''[stops Craig from taking the pen]'' We're not signing anything.
:'''Jimmy''': You have to sign if you want to know what I know. 
:'''Betsy''': ''We're not signing.''
:'''Jimmy''': Really? You're sure?
:'''Betsy''': Yep.
:'''Jimmy''': Craig?
:'''Craig''': ''[looks at Betsy before shaking his head]'' Thanks anyway.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[unclicks pen]'' Alright. Well, uh... Sorry we couldn't work something out.
:'''Betsy''': I'm sure you are.
:''[Jimmy overhears Betsy and Craig arguing as he walks around the trailer. He balls the pen in his fist]''
:'''Craig''': Mr. Goodman!
:'''Jimmy''': ''[smiles; clicks pen and takes out letter]'' Best decision you've ever made. ''[turns his back to Craig for him to sign the letter]'' Here you go.
:'''Betsy''': ''[after Craig signs the letter]'' So what do you know?
:'''Jimmy''': You got one, too, Betsy. ''[holds out another letter]''
:''[Betsy snatches the pen and paper from Jimmy and signs the letter while pressing the pen hard on Jimmy's back]'' 
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, come on. That's not... ''Ow''. All right. Well, we're officially in business. Now, I have it on good authority here that Craig was not given proper counsel. 
:'''Betsy''': We already knew that.
:'''Jimmy''': But did you ask yourselves why?
:'''Craig''': No. Why?
:'''Jimmy''': What if I told you that in your hour of need, the person who was supposed to be on your side was impaired?
:'''Craig''': Impaired?
:'''Jimmy''': It's a... a person of substance. ''[as Betsy and Craig talk to each other quietly]'' Substance in question being a certain illegal white powder.
:'''Betsy''': That awful woman with the ponytail is a cocaine addict.
:'''Jimmy''': No, not Kim Wexler! No! Craig's lead attorney, Howard Hamlin! 
:'''Craig''': Oh. I thought he was so... professional and energetic. Upbeat. 
:'''Betsy''': Oh...
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;Oh,&quot; is right.
:'''Craig''': So upbeat is bad?
:'''Jimmy''': In this case, it's textbook malpractice. The magic phrase is, &quot;ineffective assistance of counsel.&quot; If your guy wasn't nose deep in the devil's dandruff, well, Craig's case would've turned out completely different.
:'''Craig''': Oh, my God! 
:'''Betsy''': Don't we need some kind of proof?
:'''Jimmy''': All the dirty laundry comes out in discovery. It’s just trips to rehab, secret drug deals. All we gotta do is get the ball rolling. So, I say we get started on your affidavits. 
:'''Craig''': Yes.
:'''Betsy''': About that. We happen to know a thing or two about our rights, Mr. McGill. And it doesn’t matter what you force us to sign. We don’t have to work with any lawyer we don’t want. ''[gets in Jimmy's face]'' And that means... you’re fired. 
:'''Jimmy''': I am not fired.
:'''Betsy''': Oh yes, you are!
:'''Jimmy''': No! No!
:'''Craig''': He’s fired?
:'''Betsy''': Craig! 
:'''Jimmy''': No, you can’t fire me! I found this case, it’s mine! Hey, you wanna hear about rights?! The second you say where you got this information from, guess who automatically gets a cut?! ''Me! So go ahead! Go ahead, see what happens!''
:''[Jimmy pretends to be upset after the Kettlemans leave, but slowly starts smiling as he walks away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gus and Juan Bolsa visit Hector at Casa Tranquila to send their condolences, still believing that Lalo is dead. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Bolsa''': He wishes to make amends. At least hear him out.
:'''Gus''': Don Hector. It's no secret that I did not see eye to eye with your nephew. And while the friction between your family and myself did not start with him, today I am reminded we are all Eladio's men. No matter our disagreements, a strike against one is a strike against all. I hope you will accept my condolences and my support as you navigate this terrible loss.
:'''Bolsa''': Gustavo speaks the truth. In this matter, he and I both stand shoulder to shoulder behind the Salamanca family. We are still looking for the traitor, Ignacio Varga. ''[places hand on Hector's shoulder]'' We will find him. And then your family will have justice.
:''[Hector slowly reaches his hand out to Gus. As Gus holds his hand, he notices a change of expression on Hector's face and stares at him. Cut to outside the nursing home.]'' 
:'''Bolsa''': ''[to Gus in English]'' We'll be in touch.
:''[Gus calls Mike on his cell phone after Bolsa drives away]''
:'''Mike''': What did you learn?
:'''Gus''': Lalo Salamanca lives.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy gets a call from Betsy Kettleman after she finds out there was no case against Howard]''
:'''Jimmy''': Saul Goodman, speedy justice for you. Oh, wait! Okay, just take a breath, and then we can... Okay, okay. I can tell you're upset. Just... I–I never advised that. No. ''[sighs]'' No, I did not, so let's agree to disagree. ''[pause]'' Okay, I think you're going to want to meet in person before you do anything rash. So how about–how about we meet up, and we can hash this out. ''[pause]'' Yeah, sure! Tomorrow, first thing. Uh, 9 A.M, I can come to your office. That work? ...Okay, okay! Good! ''[hangs up]'' 
:'''Kim''': I'm surprised it took them this long. You, uh... You're gonna use the stick, right? 
:'''Jimmy''': The stick? Well, it's a big stick. But I know these people, they're more carrot types. Especially her. ''[takes out cash and puts the bills in his suit pocket]'' Spoonful of sugar, you know?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' I think maybe I'll come, too.
:'''Jimmy''': Tomorrow? Really?
:'''Kim''': Sure. I have time.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tyrus''': They found the truck, but no sign of Varga. Salamancas have all eyes looking for him, including the federales. Still not picking up his cell, so nobody got a lock on it. Now as for Lalo, still missing. As far as everybody in the cartel is concerned, top to bottom, Lalo is dead.
:'''Mike''': May I offer a thought? ''[pause; to Gus]'' If Salamanca was coming straight for you, he'd be here already. We've got guys watching anywhere he might turn up this side of Mexico. Wire taps on any phone he might call. There is not a whiff of him. Now, my guess is he's smart enough to know it's not in the Salamanca family interest to take you out without a reason the bosses can get behind. So, the odds are he's searching for Varga. Finds him alive, gets him to talk. ''[pause; Gus remains silent]'' Varga's alone in foreign territory, no one he can trust. The kid's smart, but he's not gonna last. ''[Gus stands up]'' He's gonna get caught.
:''[Gus accidentally knocks a glass over and kneels down to pick up the shards from the floor]''
:'''Gus''': Continue.
:'''Mike''': The best way to handle this: I take four of our best guys, cross the border and track Varga down. Let me find him, bring him back before the Salamancas sweep him up. It's our only play.
:''[After cleaning up the broken glass, Gus throws it away and looks out a nearby window]''
:'''Gus''': ''[beat; in Spanish]'' Varga's father. Bring him here.
:'''Mike''': No. You're not doing that. ''[locks the door after Tyrus gets his gun out]'' You don't understand. That's not happening. 
:'''Tyrus''': ''[walks up to Mike and aims gun at him]'' Just say the word.
:'''Mike''': Whatever happens next... it's not gonna go down the way you think it is.
:''[Mike stares at Tyrus, who cocks his gun and waits for Mike to make a move.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[beat; hears cell phone vibrating]'' It's him.
:'''Tyrus''': Bullshit. I've been calling Varga for hours. He hasn't picked up once. 
:'''Mike''': He's been trying to get me since he left the Salamancas. ''[opens phone]'' You want me to answer it?
:''[Tyrus turns to Gus, who nods. Mike answers the phone and speaks to Nacho]''
:'''Mike''': Yeah. ''[pause]'' Yeah. ...Not my call. ''[pause]'' That's up to you. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Betsy:''' You used us &amp;ndash; us and our good name &amp;ndash; to character-assassinate Howard Hamlin. Somehow, some way, it benefits you to tear him down.
:'''Craig:''' Yeah. And we're&amp;ndash;we're mad.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, yeah. I'm hearing a lot of unfounded accusations being tossed around. I don't know anything about schemes or character assassination or whatnot, but... ''[clears throat]'' if you're feeling slighted, we can make it right. ''[Jimmy hands Betsy a bundle of cash]''
:'''Betsy:''' Money? ''[scoffs]'' Money's not gonna take care of this.
:'''Jimmy:''' Money takes care of everything. Isn't that the motto stitched onto the Kettleman family crest?
:'''Betsy:''' We don't want money. 
:'''Jimmy:''' I am non-plussed. I'm guessing you want something.
:'''Betsy:''' Do what you promised.
:'''Jimmy:''' Do what I what?
:'''Betsy:''' Exonerate Craig. Get his good name back. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright. Well, as you've been advised, for a number of reasons that's not gonna happen.
:'''Betsy:''' It ''is'' gonna happen. It is. It's... You're just gonna have to figure out a way.
:'''Craig:''' If anyone can do this, it's you.
:'''Betsy:''' I know you don't want us going to Howard Hamlin. Because whatever it is you're up to, I'm sure he would be ''very'' interested.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, let's just go easy on the threats.
:'''Betsy:''' We want our lives back! The way they were before. ''Before.'' We lost everything! And we don't deserve any of this.
:'''Kim:''' Okay. Enough carrot. ''[clears throat]''
:''[Kim turns to the home phone next to her and begins to dial]''
:'''Craig:''' Dial 9 to get out.
:'''Kim:''' Oh, thank you.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering; to Craig]'' We didn't give her permission to use the phone.
:'''Craig:''' ''[whispering; to Betsy]'' She needs to use the phone.
:'''Jimmy:''' Kim... ?
:''[The line connects; Kim speaks through the phone's speaker]''
:'''Receptionist:''' Internal Revenue Service, Albuquerque.
:'''Kim:''' Hi. Could you put me through to Justin Stangel in Criminal Investigations? 
:'''Receptionist:''' One moment, please.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[to Kim]'' What are you doing? Excuse me!
:'''Justin:''' This is Justin.
:'''Kim:''' Justin, Kim Wexler. How are you?
:'''Justin:''' Hey, Kim. Good to hear from you.
:'''Kim:''' How are Noreen and the boys?
:'''Justin:''' Oh, hanging in. Noreen always talks about having you by for dinner some time.
:'''Kim:''' We should do that. Tell her to call me. Listen, I was wondering who your CID officer is these days.
:'''Justin:''' You have something for us?
:'''Kim:''' Oh, I just might: Tax preparer fraud. A lot of it.
:'''Justin:''' I'm listening.
:'''Kim:''' Well, it's this, uh, run-down little mom-and-pop outfit I've had my eye on for a while. ''[chuckles]'' Don't ask me why. Clearly, I need to get a life. But from what I can glean, their clients always end up with smaller refunds than they deserve.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering]'' Please don't do this.
:'''Justin:''' Do the clients sign over third-party authorization?
:'''Kim:''' Bingo. So what I'm thinking is, these creeps file legit returns with you guys, give the clients fake ones that show about half the proper amount, and then pocket the difference. 
:'''Justin:''' Classic scam. Well, I know just the guy to go after these dirtbags. Tony Oropallo. Real bulldog. I'll transfer you over.
:'''Kim:''' Such a big help, Justin.
:'''Justin:''' You got it. Talk soon.
:'''Betsy:''' You don't have to do this.
:'''Kim:''' ''[to Betsy]'' Don't I? Betsy... You'll probably get twenty-four months, maybe eighteen with good behavior. But Craig? You are a two-time loser. They will definitely make an example out of you. Each false return they discover will be a separate felony. What are we talking? A hundred?
:'''Betsy:''' Uh...
:'''Kim:''' Two-hundred? 
:'''Tony:''' ''[beat]'' CID, Anthony Oropallo speaking.
:''[Betsy runs to the phone and slams down the receiver to end the call]''
:'''Betsy:''' Please. We'll do anything. Just tell us.
:'''Kim:''' ''[beat]'' Why would I believe ''you?'' Huh?
:'''Craig:''' Please. 
:'''Kim:''' ''[long pause]'' First. First, you contact every person you've ripped off. Tell them you made an accounting error, tell them you're crooks who had a change of heart, I don't care. Give them what they are legally owed. Everything you stole. And then after that, you're going to forget you ever heard the name Howard Hamlin. I'm keeping my eye on both of you. You think you've lost everything? ''You have no idea.''
:''[Kim leaves the room with Jimmy while the Kettlemans stand shellshocked, on the verge of tears]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy:''' [[w:Inflatable (Better Call Saul)|Wolves and sheep]].
:'''Kim:''' Huh?
:'''Jimmy:''' ...Nothing.

=== ''[[w:Rock and Hard Place|Rock and Hard Place]]'' [6.03] ===
:''[Nacho calls his father from an auto shop while on the run]''
:'''Manuel''': A-to-Z Fine Upholstery. Hello?
:'''Nacho''': Dad. It's me.
:'''Manuel''': Nacho?
:'''Nacho''': ''Si'', Papa. ''Hola''.
:'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' ''Hola, hijo.'' ''[in Spanish]'' How are you?
:'''Nacho''': ''[in Spanish]'' Good, good. Um... just wanted to hear your voice.
:'''Manuel''': Nacho, where are you? You sound strange.
:''[pause]''
:'''Nacho''': It's not important.... I was just checking in, that's all.
:'''Manuel''': Okay. ''Hijo'', I have lots of work to do. We've been through this, so many times. You know what you have to do... go to the police.
:'''Nacho''': Yes, Papa. I understand... I hear you.
:''[pause]''
:'''Manuel''': What else is there to say? Hmm? Goodbye, ''hijo''.
:'''Nacho''': ''[choked up]'' Goodbye, Papa.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Nacho calls Mike at an auto repair shop in Mexico while on the run from the Salamancas]''
:'''Mike''': Yeah.
:'''Nacho''': It's me.
:'''Mike''': Yeah.
:'''Nacho''': You knew. You knew that I was going to Mexico to die, that I was never supposed to make it out of that motel. And you let it happen.
:'''Mike''': Not my call.
:'''Nacho''': What happens now?
:'''Mike''': That's up to you. 
:'''Nacho''': Is that bastard with you? Put him on.
:'''Mike''': Hmm. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you.
:'''Gus''': ''[takes cell phone from Mike; to Nacho]'' Yes.
:'''Nacho''': You are screwed. ''[pause]'' You want the cartel to blame me for Lalo. But if they catch me, and make me talk? ''Ooh...'' That is not good for you, is it? Even if I disappear, everyone's gonna smell your stink all over it. The only way that this works for you is with me dead. ''[beat]'' Alright. Whatever bullshit way you want the story to go, I will make it go. But... I need one thing. 
:'''Gus''': Yes?
:'''Nacho''': My dad. I need to know that he will be safe.
:'''Gus''': If you are true to your word, there will be no reason for anyone to harm your father.
:'''Nacho''': ''You'' are not the one that I need to hear it from.
:''[Gus puts the phone on speaker so Mike can speak to Nacho]''
:'''Mike''': Your dad's gonna be okay.
:'''Nacho''': How do you know?
:'''Mike''': Because anyone who goes after him is gonna have to come through me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Huell sit in a car; Jimmy pays Huell for duplicating the keys to Howard's Jaguar]''
:'''Huell:''' Can I ask you sum'n?
:'''Jimmy:''' Sure, go ahead.
:'''Huell:''' Personal, kind of.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay. What?
:'''Huell:''' You're a lawyer. You make good money, right?
:'''Jimmy:''' Good days and bad, but yeah.
:'''Huell:''' Legit money, on the level.
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah, so?
:'''Huell:''' Your wife's a lawyer. A legit lawyer.
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah.
:'''Huell:''' Why you do all this? 
:'''Jimmy:''' Oh, I got you. I&amp;ndash;I know from the outside that this looks like just another scam, but you're not seeing the bigger picture. Couple months from now, there are people whose lives are gonna be way better. Because of this. We're making a real difference. Trust me. We're doing the Lord's work here. 
:'''Huell:''' ''Hmph''. If you say so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': What's going on?
:'''Kim''': I have news, Jimmy. Lalo is dead.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[exhales deeply]'' Holy shit. 
:'''Kim''': The DA's office put it together that Lalo was calling himself De Guzman. They are pretty upset they let him go.
:'''Jimmy''': I'll bet they are.
:'''Kim''': Ericsen seems to think that if Lalo lied to you and you didn't know about the pseudonym, that you could break confidentiality. She wants you to talk. She says it's right.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, what do you think we should do?
:'''Kim''': You... should do whatever you want, Jimmy. They don't have anything on you. It's just a fishing expedition to see if you bite.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' You think I should do it?
:'''Kim''': It depends.  
:'''Jimmy''': On what?
:'''Kim''': Well... ''[sighs]'' I guess it's basically... Do you want to be a friend of the cartel or... do you want to be a rat?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Nacho is driven to a remote location with Gus, Tyrus and Victor. There they meet Juan Bolsa, Hector Salamanca, and the Cousins. Bolsa kneels next to Nacho.]''
:'''Bolsa:''' Today, you are going to die. But there are good deaths, and there are bad deaths. Tell me what I need to know, I'll see that your death is a good one. Who put you up to this?
:''[Nacho glances at Gus, as if he's about to turn on him]''
:'''Bolsa:''' One last chance. ''Who?'' ''[long pause; scoffs and gets up to leave]''
:'''Nacho:''' It was Alvarez. Los Odios, out of Peru. They paid me to set up your nephew. And I did.
:''[Hector furiously rings his bell and attempts to point to Gus, who he knows is the real culprit]''
:'''Bolsa:''' Alvarez, we know. Los Odios, we know. Was anyone else involved?
:'''Nacho:''' ''[scoffs; nods to Gus]'' Him? You think the chicken man? ''Heh.'' What a joke. Alvarez has been paying me for years &amp;ndash; ''years''. ''[to the Salamancas]'' But you know what? I would have done it for free. Because I hate every last one of you psycho sacks of shit. I opened Lalo's gate, and I would do it again. And I'm glad what they did to him. He's a soulless pig, and I wished I'd killed him with my own hands. And you know what else, Hector? I put you in that chair. Oh, yeah. Your heart meds? I switched them for sugar pills. You were dead and buried, and I had to watch ''this'' asshole... ''[gestures to Gus]'' ...bring you back. So when you are sitting in your shitty nursing home and you're sucking down on your Jell-O night after night for the rest of your life, ''you think of '''me,''' you twisted fuck.''

=== ''[[w:Hit and Run (Better Call Saul)|Hit and Run]]'' [6.04] ===
:'''Jimmy:''' What kind of asshole moves a cone?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': So, I pull the Jag into the loading zone. And I start scrappin' with this hunk of metal. It was in deep—like, &quot;down a well&quot; deep—so I just... wrassled it! UGH! ''[Kim laughs hysterically]'' Like a freakin' bear, and I jam it in the dirt in front of the Jag! Boom! Barely made it out of there with the skin of my teeth. ''Who moves cones?'' Who does that?
:'''Kim''': Narcissists.
:'''Jimmy''': Heh, you're damn right. So you think Cliff really bought it, huh?
:'''Kim''': One hundred percent! You should've seen his face. It landed, trust me. God, it was... beautiful. ''[pause]'' Oh, and that is not all. 
:'''Jimmy''': Spill.
:'''Kim''': So... I'm doing the stall. I'm telling Cliff what I'm doing—what I wanna be doing. All I'm thinking is, I gotta stretch this out until you get there, but then... I don't know. I... kinda got caught up in it, and then... Cliff went for it. I mean, like, ''really'' went for it.
:'''Jimmy''': What does that mean? Like, money?
:'''Kim''': I don't think he'll write a check himself, but he knows people. And I think he'll deliver.
:'''Jimmy''': You're kidding! 
:'''Kim''': I know! How great is that?
:'''Jimmy''': This is unbelievable. ''[Kim laughs]'' Are we on a roll, or are we on a roll? Jeez! 
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' You ever feel like you're being followed? ''[pause]'' When I dropped Wendy off at the motel, she thought she was being watched by some undercover cops. But then when I drove away... that same car was behind ''me.'' Right after I spotted them, they disappeared.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, you know what they say: The wicked flee where no man pursueth. 
:'''Kim''': ...You think we're wicked?
:'''Jimmy''': No. What? ''[chuckles]'' It's just a turn of phrase. I think you're wicked hot. ''[pause]'' Alright. Listen to the voice of experience, okay? You know why you're feeling like this? Because we got away with it. It seems too good to be true, but trust me. Nobody is following you. ''[takes Kim's hand]'' No one knows what we're doing except for us. Okay?
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy confronts Bill Oakley at the courthouse when he notices his colleagues' cold treatment of him]''
:'''Jimmy''': What the hell is going on?! How come everyone's treating me like I'm covered in oozing pus sores?
:'''Bill''': I liked you better when you were just a regular bottom feeder. But this?
:'''Jimmy''': This? What is, &quot;this?&quot;
:'''Bill''': I understand advocating for your client. Deep in my heart, I get it. But you scammed the court. You scammed the judge, and for what? To get a murdering cartel psychopath back out on the street? It's just... wrong.
:'''Jimmy''': That's a lot of big talk, Bill. Prove it. Prove it, Bill!
:'''Bill''': There's proving, and then there's knowing. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': They're gone.
:'''Kim''': I'm sorry?
:'''Mike''': The two men that were following you. They're gone.
:'''Kim''': Do I know you?
:'''Mike''': Would you mind sitting for a moment, and I will answer any questions I can. ''[pause; Kim sits down next to Mike]'' I have men watching you and your husband. I'm not with the police, and as far as I know, they're not investigating either of you. I ''do'' know that you've been up to a few things that you probably would rather keep private. I don't care. That's not what this is about. I'm trying to solve a problem of my own. 
:'''Kim''': What problem?
:'''Mike''': Lalo Salamanca.
:'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca's dead. ''[beat; Mike says nothing and stares at Kim]'' He... isn't.
:'''Mike''': We're watching anyone he might contact. That includes you and your husband. Most likely, he'll never reach out. He's got bigger fish to fry. But in the thousand to one chance that he does...
:'''Kim''': And who do you work for?
:'''Mike''': I said I would answer anything I can. 
:'''Kim''': ''[long pause]'' [[w:Bagman (Better Call Saul)|You're the guy from the desert]]. The one who was out there with Jimmy. Why are you telling me this and not him?
:'''Mike''': Because I think you're made of sterner stuff. ''[pause; gets up]'' Alright. Now here's what's best for everyone. You spot my guys again—which I'm hoping you won't—let them go about their business. Just pretend they're not there. And pretty soon, they won't be. You and your husband just... go on living your lives. ''[starts to leave]''
:'''Kim''': I do know you. You worked in the parking booth at the courthouse. ''[pause]'' You were the attendant.
:'''Mike''': ...I was.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kim meets Jimmy at a strip mall where an office space is available for lease]''
:'''Kim''': What are we doing here?
:'''Jimmy''': Take a look. What do you think?
:'''Kim''': About what?
:'''Jimmy''': My new office. Potentially. Come on.
:''[They both peer through the storefront windows of the office, which is empty except for a lone toilet]''
:'''Kim''': Huh.
:'''Jimmy''': Mrs. Nguyen kicked me to the curb.
:'''Kim''': What? Why?
:'''Jimmy''': It's a long story, but upshot is she wants me out of there with extreme prejudice.
:'''Kim''': Wow. Bad day, huh?
:'''Jimmy''': Well, no. It was a... great day. With actual paying clients. The word is out! People were throwing cash retainers at me just to say Saul Goodman is their lawyer.
:'''Kim''': Because of who you represented.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, I mean, that's part of it. But the bottom line is I need a new place for new business pronto. Now, this place is a shithole, but the price is right. And I think I can talk the landlord into a month-to-month. So, it's temporary until I find something better. ''[sighs; pause]'' Hey. What do you think?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' It's small. It's... dirty. And this whole place smells funny. ''[pause]'' But the courthouse is five blocks away. You can't get to MDC without driving past. Parking is good, bail bond row isn't far, and uh... Taco Cabeza is just around the corner. Might be a diamond in the rough. Just promise me... you won't move the toilet.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' There it is. Alright. Uh... speaking of Taco Cabeza.
:'''Kim''': I'm starving. Let's do it.

=== ''[[w:Black and Blue (Better Call Saul)|Black and Blue]]'' [6.05] ===
:''[Cliff informs Howard about witnessing Jimmy throw Wendy out of Howard's car]''
:'''Howard:''' I threw a woman out of my car? In the middle of the street? And I&amp;ndash;''zip''&amp;ndash;I just drive right past you? I... That's what you're saying? I-I-I don't even... I don't know how to respond to that.
:'''Cliff:''' I'm not asking you to respond. I just need you to know that ''I'' know. 
:'''Howard:''' It wasn't me, Cliff. Whoever you think you saw&amp;ndash;
:'''Cliff:''' Yeah, sorry, but that's the kind of thing my son used to say. It was your Jaguar, your &quot;Namaste&quot; plate. It was you! Howard, there's no harm in asking for help. You got a lot of people in your corner.
:'''Howard:''' So there's the-the baggie at the county club.
:'''Cliff:''' Yes.
:'''Howard:''' After that, some clients&amp;ndash;who you can't name because of privilege&amp;ndash;make insinuations. Then on Thursday, you have a business meeting and you witness a Jaguar speeding past. ''[beat]'' Who were you meeting with?
:'''Cliff:''' Not sure why that's germaine, but... Kim Wexler. She came to me for career advice.
:''[Howard's face becomes awash with realization]''
:'''Howard:''' ''Mmm.'' All right. ''[pause]'' Okay. ''[takes out his cell phone]'' Of course. ''[scoffs]'' Of course. ''[to Cliff]'' Cliff, I know this wasn't easy for you. You came to me as a friend. I appreciate it.
:'''Cliff:''' You can start today, Howard.
:'''Howard:''' Oh, I will. Because you're right, I ''do'' have a problem. Just not the problem you think. I have a Jimmy McGill problem.
:'''Cliff:''' Jimmy McGill?!
:'''Howard:''' You'll have to excuse me.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard!
:'''Howard:''' ''[to his secretary on the phone]'' Julie. Cancel my week. Yes, my whole week. 
:'''Cliff:''' Howard!
:''[Howard climbs into his Jaguar and drives away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy walks into a boxing club and sees Howard, who pretended to be a potential client named &quot;Mr. Ward&quot;]''
:'''Howard''': Hello, Jimmy.
:'''Jimmy''': Mr. Ward, I presume. As in... H.O. Ward. That is really cute, Howard. So, wait. That means that you're the guy who shanked some dude in a rumble near Central Pen. ''[sighs]'' That's—that's very street of you. 
:'''Howard''': I thought it sounded like a Saul Goodman kind of case.
:'''Jimmy''': ...Alright, so what are we doing here? 
:'''Howard''': I'm tired, Jimmy. You and me, us. I'm tired of this. Aren't you? It's exhausting. ''[points at boxing ring behind him]'' Let's punch it out.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' Are you kidding?
:'''Howard''': Dead serious. Hoping you might get it out of your system. Do I think it'll work? ''[shrugs]'' I don't know. Call it a Hail Mary. I have the gear, I rented the ring. It's just you and me... ''[points at the man standing behind Jimmy]'' and Macky to ref. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' I am sorry, but have you lost your mind?
:'''Howard''': Actually, I'm as clear-headed as I've ever been in my life. You didn't even try to hide your tracks. The baggie of drugs at the country club, the clients you sent to discredit me, ''another'' prostitute.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, once again as usual, I—
:'''Howard''': Please. I could go on. All roads lead back to you. It's Psych 101. You want to get caught. 
:'''Jimmy''': So what? Is this like pistols at dawn?
:'''Howard''': I'm trying to give you what you want. 
:'''Jimmy''': What I want? I don't... I think this is what ''you'' want. You wanna beat the shit out of me? Legally? 
:'''Howard''': I think you can hold up your end. You must've gotten into a few good scrapes in your old neighborhood. 
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, right. I could've been a contender. 
:'''Howard''': Indulge me. Let's see what we see. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause; smiles]'' Thanks for the laughs. ''[chuckles]'' &quot;Mr. Ward.&quot; 
:''[Jimmy laughs and starts to walk out, but stops. He and Howard are seen suited up with boxing gloves as they begin their fight. They both land a few punches on each other, but Howard eventually knocks Jimmy down]'' 
:'''Howard''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've mistaken my kindness for weakness. I like to think that tonight made a difference. I like to think that this ends it. ''[pause; shakes his head]'' Probably not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': I should've left Howard standing there like a yutz. Instead I let him suck me into his game. Why did I do that?
:'''Kim''': You had your reasons. 
:'''Jimmy''': I did? Like what?
:'''Kim''': Because... you know. 
:'''Jimmy''': I know...?
:'''Kim''': ''[holds Jimmy's hand]'' You know what's coming next.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo has travelled to Germany using an alias, and meets Margarethe, Werner's widow, at a bar]''
:'''Margarethe''': I knew his work was dangerous. I never imagined such a thing, but... I suppose I try not to. 
:'''Lalo''': That is terrible. What kind of accident was it?
:'''Margarethe''': A cave-in.
:'''Lalo''': Cave-in?
:'''Margarethe''': He was able to save his men. He got them out, but then... the structure collapsed.
:'''Lalo''': So your husband was a hero.
:'''Margarethe''': ''[smiles]'' He would never accept that. My Werner was too humble.
:'''Lalo''': ...And what were they building there?
:'''Margarethe''': My husband didn't talk much about his work. It was very secretive. 
:'''Lalo''': Oh... I'm sure he must have told you something. 
:'''Margarethe''': The lawyers came to my house. I asked questions, they wouldn't say much.
:'''Lalo''': ''[shakes his head]'' Lawyers.
:'''Margarethe''': They went through Werner's things. Took anything that they called, uh... Oh, how do you say it? ''[pause]'' Proprietary? I'm sorry, my English is—
:'''Lalo''': Oh, it's excellent. 
:'''Margarethe''': I didn't care about it. All the boxes of folders, his papers. Why do I need all that stuff?
:'''Lalo''': And what about your husband's men? I mean, they must have said something to you.
:'''Margarethe''': Werner loved ''deine jungs''—his boys—but I never even met them. 
:'''Lalo''': What do you mean? Not even at the funeral?
:'''Margarethe''': You'd think they would want to pay respect to the man who saved their lives. They sent flowers, keepsakes, and so on... but not one of them showed his face. 
:'''Lalo''': Wow. That is... ''[sighs]'' It's just not right.

=== ''[[w:Axe and Grind | Axe and Grind]]'' [6.06] ===
:''[Casper, one of Werner's former workers, spots Lalo approaching his home while chopping wood]''
:'''Lalo''': ''Guten tag!''
:'''Casper''': ''Guten tag.'' ''[in German]'' This is private property. Who are you looking for? Are you lost?
:'''Lalo''': ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. I don't speak any German!
:'''Casper''': ''[in English]'' Are you lost?
:'''Lalo''': It's a beautiful place you have here. The air, it's just so... ''fresh!''
:'''Casper''': ...Do I know you?
:'''Lalo''': Well, I don't think we've ''officially'' met-
:''[Casper grabs his axe and runs inside a nearby wooden shed while Lalo draws his gun. Lalo searches when he's suddenly dropped by a blow from Casper]''
:'''Casper''': Who are you?! '''''Who are you?!'''''
:'''Lalo''': ''[strained]'' Ed-Eduardo... Salamanca! I'm not here for you... This is about Fring. Guh- I want to know... I want to know what he's building.
:'''Casper''': How did you find me?
:'''Lalo''': Ma- Marga... M-Margarethe Z-Ziegler.
:'''Casper''': What have you done to her?!
:'''Lalo''': Nothing, nothing. You sent her a gi- a gift. ''[pulls out a business card and shows it to Casper]''
:'''Casper''': ''Was ist das?''
:''[Lalo's hidden a razor blade behind the card. He springs up and cuts Casper's face, then grabs his axe and cuts his foot off]''
:'''Lalo''': ''[cheerfully] Carajo!'' I think you broke one of my ribs! ''[tosses Casper his belt]'' Here. Tie that off... before you bleed to death. ''You and I are gonna have a '''talk.'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Holy shit! The Jackson Mercer Foundation, that's like... the good housekeeping seal of approval.
:'''Kim''': Well, it's not a done deal. Some of the foundation board members are flying in next week to meet the lieutenant governor at a luncheon in Santa Fe, so... they are inviting a select group of people with... Cliff called them, &quot;up-and-coming organizations,&quot; and uh... Yeah. Cliff thinks I have a good shot. 
:'''Jimmy''': A good shot? You have more than a shot! They are gonna love you on sight!
:'''Kim''': The only thing is the lunch is on D-Day.
:'''Jimmy''': So, what? That's—You don't have to be there on the day! Was Eisenhower on Omaha Beach? No. Kim, this is great, right? It's ''huge!''
:'''Kim''': ...It is pretty great! ''[laughs]''
:'''Jimmy''': Kim, this is fantastic! ''[kisses Kim]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy has Francesca call HHM and pose as a relative of a Sandpiper resident to get details about the upcoming mediation]''
:'''Jimmy''': What is the hold up?
:'''Francesca''': I just... I don't know if I'm comfortable. Is this even legal?
:'''Jimmy''': I'm sorry, which one of us went to law school? Because I can stand here and go through the ins and outs of what's quote-unquote legal with you, but we're on the clock.
:'''Francesca''': I just don't—
:'''Jimmy''': Francesca, let's get something straight, okay? We can't be holding a graduate seminar in constitutional law every time I give you something to do.
:'''Francesca''': But I—I'm not sure if—
:'''Jimmy''': You know what I'm paying you? It is above market. To whom much is given, much is expected! ''[takes out cell phone and starts dialing a number]''
:'''Francesca''': We're not gonna make a habit of this?
:'''Jimmy''': Of course not! Absolutely not. No, no, no. ''[gives phone to Francesca]'' Put it on speaker and let me... ''[moves closer]''
:'''HHM Employee #1''': Hamlin Hamlin McGill.
:'''Francesca''': Hi... there. I'm calling because my—my mother is... is—Well, I guess she's a—a client of yours. She lives in, uh, Sandpiper Assisted Living.
:'''HHM Employee #1''': Sandpiper, of course. Let me transfer you.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Francesca while she's on hold]'' It's just a phone call. 
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Good afternoon. Do you have a question about the Sandpiper case?
:'''Francesca''': ''[waits for Jimmy to nod]'' Yes. My mother's out of the facility in Amarillo. Says she's supposed to call in to some meeting on Thursday?
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Yes, you're talking about the mediation?
:'''Francesca''': That's it. The thing is, she's lost her dial-in instructions. ''[sighs nervously]'' I'm just looking everywhere and can't find them.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': I'd be happy to help you with that. It's very important to us that all the class members are fully looked in. What's your mother's name?
:'''Francesca''': ''[Tells name mouthed by Jimmy]'' Uh, Marnie Stuber. ''[watches Jimmy form the letters as she spells aloud]'' That's–that's S-T-U-B-E-R. ''[sighs nervously again when Jimmy tries to cheer her up]'' Oh, bless your heart. She'll be so relieved!
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay, it's very simple. The meeting is happening at our offices. So she just has to call the main line—the same number you called just now—press 7, and then enter the passcode. I can give that to you now. Do you have a pen?
:'''Francesca''': Uh... ''[Jimmy quickly takes out a pen]'' Y–yeah, I'm ready.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay. It's 842159. ''[Jimmy writes the numbers on his hand]'' 
:'''Francesca''': 842159?
:'''HHM Employee #2''': That's right.
:'''Francesca''': Okay! Uh, thank you so much. Really appreciate it.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Of course, take care. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[hangs up immediately]'' Was that so hard?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy sees the real Rand Casimiro at a liquor store wearing a cast that was not shown in the fake photos he shot earlier. He bolts out of there and gets in his car before being seen by the judge.]''
:'''Jimmy''': FUCK! ''[bangs on steering wheel and chuckles nervously before dialing Kim on his cell phone]''
:''[Cut to Kim driving on the highway to Santa Fe.]'' 
:'''Kim''': &quot;Ultimately, it's about equal justice, a system that works for everyone. A justice system that works for everyone, and what is more important than that?&quot; ''[hears phone ringing and answers it]'' Hey, Jimmy.
:'''Jimmy''': Flag on the play! You're not gonna believe this, but I just ran into Casimiro—the real one.
:'''Kim''': Oh, God.
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, and before you ask, he didn't shave his mustache. ''He broke his arm.'' 
:'''Kim''': Are you serious?
:'''Jimmy''': The guy has a giant cast on his left arm! And I checked all the pictures and you can see his arm in every single one of them! No cast, clear as day! 
:'''Kim''': Shit! SHIT!
:'''Jimmy''': I KNOW! I '''KNOW!''' Uh... But, hey. Hey, hey, look at it this way: If I hadn't seen him... I mean, that would've really—that really could've sunk us. Right? So, we're gonna pull the plug and we are going to live to fight another day.
:'''Kim''': ...What other day? 
:'''Jimmy''': Well, we'll figure it out. I promise, okay? So, just go. Just do your thing in Santa Fe, and we'll regroup when you get home tonight. ''[beat; Kim says nothing]'' Kim? Kim, you still there? 
:'''Kim''': Yes.
:'''Jimmy''': Did you hear what I said?
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' It happens today. 
:''[Kim quickly turns around and starts driving back to Albuquerque.]''

=== ''[[w:Plan and Execution | Plan and Execution]]'' [6.07] ===
:''[An intern at HHM, Cary, drops soda cans when he sees Howard setting up the conference room for the Sandpiper mediation]''
:'''Cary''': Uh, excuse me, Mr. Hamlin! I-I was told I should restock the fridge before the meeting.
:'''Howard''': No worries. Here, let me give you a hand.
:'''Cary''': Thank you!
:'''Howard''': Uh, you're... Gary?
:'''Cary''': Cary! Anderson.
:'''Howard''': Mm... of course. Cary. ''[sees Cary stocking the fridge with the dropped cans]'' Cary, what happens when you drop or shake a can of soda?
:'''Cary''': ...Right. ''[mimes explosion]'' I'm sorry, I'm, uh...
:'''Howard''': Here, let me show you a little trick. ''[picks up and spins a soda can]'' Something about the centrifugal force pulls the bubbles from the inside of the can, stops it from exploding. Don't want our clients to get a surprise now, do we?
:'''Cary''': That works?
:''[Howard opens the can without incident and takes a sip]''
:'''Cary''': Alright!
:'''Howard''': You know who taught me that trick? ''[points at the picture of Chuck in the conference room]'' He used to do it. Had a habit - anytime he opened a can, almost unconsciously. I asked him about it once... just his way of being prepared for anything, accidental or otherwise. 
:'''Cary''': Um, I'm sorry, I'm... kinda new here. I- I have to ask, who is that?
:'''Howard''': Charles McGill. The &quot;M&quot; in HHM. Greatest legal mind I ever knew.
:'''Cary''': Wow! I hope someone says that about me someday.
:'''Howard''': Well... maybe there are more important things.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Howard, Cliff, and the rest of the parties in the Sandpiper mediation are in the HHM conference room; Rand Casimiro is seated at the head of the table; Jimmy and Kim listen in on the meeting through a disposable cell phone in Saul Goodman's office]''
:'''Rand Casimiro:''' Hello. I know we're all anxious to get things started but you'll have to suffer through my traditional spiel, unfortunately. My name is Rand Casimiro, and I am your mediator for these proceedings. Now, I'm happy to be here. But at the end, hopefully all of you in the room and those listening from various locations ''won't'' be happy with me. And why do I say that? Because the best solutions mean compromise. It's compromise from both sides. That's my goal. But as my wife always says, compromising doesn't mean I'm right and she's wrong. ''[chuckles]'' So, let us move forward—
:'''Howard:''' ''Hmph.''
:''[Everyone in the conference room turns to Howard]''
:'''Cliff:''' ...Howard?
:'''Howard:''' I-I'm... Wow. ''[pause]'' I'm... I'm sorry. I don't think we can proceed with these negotiations today.
:'''Rich:''' Why not?
:'''Howard:''' Well, let's just say, circumstances beyond any of our control.
:'''Rich:''' Well, I'm going to have to insist that you be more specific.
:'''Howard:''' Well, our mediator here keeps using the word &quot;compromise&quot; when ''he'', in fact, is compromised.
:'''Casimiro:''' I beg your pardon?
:'''Howard:''' I think you heard me.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...?
:'''Howard:''' You drive a silver Miata, correct? 
:'''Casimiro:''' I do.
:'''Howard:''' And this morning, around 7 a.m., you walked across Trumbull Park in town?
:'''Casimiro:''' No. 
:'''Howard:''' You didn't stop at the park this morning?
:'''Casimiro:''' I didn't. I got to Albuquerque early, not at 7 a.m. And I didn't go to a park.
:'''Howard:''' You sure?
:'''Cliff:''' Howard, if the judge says he's sure, then I&amp;ndash;
:'''Casimiro:''' Of course I'm sure! If it matters, I arrived in town about ten, I stopped at a gas station, I went by a liquor store and bought a gift. I had a lunch salad and a very nice latté from the Flying Star on Menaul. I read ''[[w:Barron's_(newspaper)|Barron's]]''. Then came here.
:'''Howard:''' ''Mmmm''. So you weren't in town to visit our mutual acquaintance, James Morgan McGill? Or maybe you know him as &quot;Saul Goodman&quot;. 
:'''Casimiro:''' I don't know anyone by either of those names.
:'''Howard:''' Okay. You want to go that way? ''[to his secretary]'' Julie, go to my desk, please. There's an envelope with photos. Bring it to me quickly.
:'''Julie:''' Oh. Okay. ''[leaves]''
:'''Cliff:''' Howard, can we have a sidebar&amp;ndash;?
:'''Casimiro:''' I'm sorry. These photos &amp;ndash; these are photos of me? 
:'''Howard:''' They show exactly what I'm describing.
:'''Casimiro:''' You were following me?
:'''Howard:''' I had a private investigator following Jimmy McGill. You were photographed receiving what I estimate to be a $20,000 payoff this morning in the park.
:'''Rich:''' I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is just&amp;ndash; ''[sighs; to Howard]'' You recommended this judge as a mediator and we agreed. And now... ''Jimmy?'' Jimmy McGill &amp;ndash; who originated this suit &amp;ndash; is ''what?'' 
:'''Howard:''' A-admittedly, it all sounds a bit baroque. But when you see the photos, things will be clearer.
:'''Casimiro:''' Well, I'm looking forward to that.
:''[long pause; Julie enters the room with the envelope]''
:'''Julie:''' I have the pictures, Mr. Hamlin. 
:'''Howard:''' Thank you, Julie. ''[opens the envelope]'' And now, take a look.
:''[Howard looks at the photos with Cliff, Schweikart, Casimiro, Irene and Julie looking behind him. Instead of an actor dressed as Casimiro as he had seen earlier, the photos show Jimmy sitting at a park bench exchanging a frisbee with the Sound Guy, dressed as a jogger]''
:'''Casimiro:''' ...Is that supposed to be ''me''?
:'''Howard:''' I, uh... This is... This is not... Julie, you got the wrong envelope.
:'''Julie:''' That was the only one on your desk.
:'''Howard:''' Look again!
:''[Julie leaves]''
:'''Howard:''' They-they've been switched. Somehow he switched them.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...
:'''Howard:''' No. Jimmy &amp;ndash; he snuck in somehow, and these are not the pictures I saw.
:''[Howard turns to Erin, who notices that his pupils are now dilated]''
:'''Erin:''' Mr. Hamlin, are you all right? Your eyes...
:'''Howard:''' ''[agitated]'' I am fine! This is all something that will be sorted out, I am confident!
:''[Cliff rises and guides Howard out of his seat]''
:'''Cliff:''' I think a recess is in order.
:'''Howard:''' Nobody move! Evidence has been tampered with!
:'''Cliff:''' Now Howard, please!
:''[Howard and Cliff leave the conference room. Everyone left behind is stunned silent]''
:'''Irene:''' ...Is this how these usually go?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Cliff confronts Howard in his office after the fiasco in the conference room]''
:'''Howard:''' Cliff? Is that you? I'm not crazy, and I'm not on drugs. Please, come in. Now somehow, some way, that son of a bitch gave me something that dilated my pupils. I-I don't know what. But it's wearing off already, look. ''[gestures toward his eyes]'' 
:'''Cliff:''' You say that Jimmy McGill drugged you? How is that possible?
:'''Howard:''' The-the photos. They were wet with... ''something''.
:'''Cliff:''' The missing photos.
:'''Howard:''' Yeah. My P.I., Genidowski, had to have been in on it. He-he must have shown me one set of photos and then switched them after I left the office. 
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...
:'''Howard:''' Three weeks ago, Julie got a call from our detective agency. They wanted to update their contact info, so of course she changed the number in the system. But it turns out, it wasn't them. That was Jimmy. So when I needed an investigator to follow Jimmy, I called his fake number and his fake man. She just dialed the old number and, of course, got the actual agency. And, no surprise, no one by the name of Genidowski had ever worked there. I hired a con man. I got played. Every step of the way. I know what it sounds like, but you have to believe me.
:'''Cliff:''' I... It doesn't matter. Rich went back to the previous offer. I'll give a recommend to the class that we take it.
:'''Howard:''' No. No way. We do not let Jimmy win this.
:'''Cliff:''' Why would Jimmy even do this? He's a profit participant! This means less money for him!
:'''Howard:''' Because he's a child! He wants his money now! He begged me months ago to settle! You know what he does!
:'''Cliff:''' Whatever the truth is, we'll never get back to where we were before mediation. We have to settle.
:'''Howard:''' I'm lead attorney. And I won't sanction that decision.
:'''Cliff:''' Then I'm obligated to go to the partners and explain everything I've seen &amp;ndash; all of it. You think you're gonna be able to convince them it was all Jimmy McGill?
:'''Howard:''' ...Okay then. We go to trial. Cliff, this case is incredibly strong. I put this thing in front of a jury, then everything will&amp;ndash;
:'''Cliff:''' I'm not thinking about you, Howard. I'm not thinking about Jimmy. I'm thinking about the time, the expense, the uncertainty. I'm thinking about our clients!
:''[Howard bows his head in defeat.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo records a video message for Eladio while he's hiding in the sewers surveilling Gus' laundromat. The dialogue switches between Spanish and English.]''
:'''Lalo''': Don Eladio. Guess who?  It's Lalo, I'm alive! ''[chuckles]'' I'm here in beautiful downtown Albuquerque. ''[pans the camera around his belongings]'' Been here... four nights? Now, you may be asking, &quot;What am I doing down in this shithole?&quot; Well, [[w:Axe and Grind|a little Croatian bird told me a secret]]. Eh, he put up a hell of a fight, but he told me. Look. ''[points the camera at his target, Lavanderia Brilliante]'' See that? Right there... Fring's secret. Now, I've been watching and Fring hides his guards very well, but they're there, dressed like laundry workers. ''[zooms in on one &quot;worker&quot;]'' See? That's one there. They're hiding guns under the uniforms, but I see. I have a pretty good idea of what I'm up against. ''[points the camera back at himself]'' I can tell you what's in there. A big hole where a German engineer, Werner Ziegler, designed the perfect place to hide the... ''[in English]'' &quot;mother of all meth labs.&quot; ''[in Spanish]'' Well, that's my story. And Fring? Fring will have his story, a good one, and Bolsa will back him because he's an... ''[in English]'' &quot;earner.&quot; ''[in Spanish]'' So tonight, I go in... kill all the guards and show you the proof. And then? You decide... ''Adios.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim are watching a movie in Kim's apartment when they hear a knock at the door. It's revealed to be Howard, disheveled and holding a bottle of Macallan scotch whisky.]''
:'''Howard:''' Can I come in? 
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah. Come on.
:'''Howard:''' Kim.
:'''Kim:''' Howard. You doing okay?
:'''Howard:''' I'm fine. Sorry to interrupt this, but I brought you a gift.
:'''Jimmy:''' A gift? What's the occasion?
:'''Howard:''' Your brother and I, we always had a meeting with Mr. Macallan after a big victory. Usually some brilliant summation by Chuck, that goes without saying. So this, this is for you. You earned it. You won.
:'''Jimmy:''' Won? Uh, what did I win?
:'''Howard:''' ''[pause]'' I get it. Of course you both have to play it this way. You're both so very good at it. 
:'''Kim:''' It's late, Howard. Do you want to tell us what this is about?
:'''Howard:''' I was wondering that too. ''[walks to the kitchen]'' What it's all about. I mean, what do you tell yourselves? What justification makes it okay? &quot;Howard's such an asshole that he deserves it?&quot; ''[offers two glasses to Jimmy and Kim]'' 
:'''Jimmy:''' We're good.
:'''Howard:''' So, what is it? I sided with Chuck too often? ''[points to Kim]'' I took away your office, put you in doc review? All of the above? Howard's daddy helped him get to the top, but you both had to struggle. &quot;Howie has so much and we have so little, let's take him down a peg or two.&quot; What allows you to do this to me? Because this isn't just a prank. No. This goes beyond [[w:Namaste (Better Call Saul)|throwing bowling balls on my car]]. This took planning, coordination. I mean, how many weeks? Or-or-or was it months? It couldn't have been easy. So tell me, why? Why go through this elaborate plot just to burn me to the ground?
:'''Jimmy:''' &quot;Burn you to the ground?&quot; Howard, come on. Y-you'll be fine. You always land on your feet.
:'''Howard:''' Yeah, sure. The Sandpiper settlement—HHM's share will be substantial, absolutely. Even though I humiliated myself. And my clients and peers will whisper that Howard Hamlin's a drug addict. You're right. I've worked my way through worse. Debt. Depression. My marriage falling apart.
:''[Jimmy blinks in surprise. He and Kim exchange looks]''
:'''Howard:''' Oh, yeah. Been sleeping in the guest house for the better part of a year. Just one more thing that good ol' Howard has to work through. But yes, I will land on my feet. I will be okay. But you? Far from it. You two... you two are soulless. Jimmy, you can't help yourself. Chuck knew it. You were ''born'' that way. ''[to Kim]'' But you—one of the smartest and most promising human beings I've ever known, and ''this'' is the life you choose. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright, you're too tight to drive, I'm calling a cab—
:'''Howard:''' Oh good, phony compassion. And you know what? Very, very believable. But I'm far from done.
:'''Kim:''' Oh no no no. You are done, Howard. Sorry, but you need to stop this now and you need to go home.
:'''Howard:''' You're perfect for each other. You have a piece missing. I-I-I thought you did it for the money, but it-it—Now it's so clear. Screw the money, you did it for fun! You get off on it! You're like [[w:Leopold and Loeb|Leopold and Loeb]], two sociopaths—
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright, that's enough.
:'''Howard:''' Oh, you know it's true, you just don't have the guts to admit it.
:'''Kim:''' Great. Now you need to go.
:'''Howard:''' I'm gonna make it clear to everyone, because I'm going to dedicate my life to making sure that everybody knows the truth. Believe it. You can't hide who you really are forever.
:''[Jimmy reflexively shields Kim as Lalo Salamanca enters the room; Jimmy is stunned]''
:'''Jimmy:''' How...
:''[Howard turns around and see Lalo, who non-chalantly stands next to him]''
:'''Kim:''' H-Howard... Howard. Howard, you need to leave.
:'''Howard:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Who are you?
:'''Lalo:''' Me? Nobody. I just need to talk to my lawyers.
:'''Howard:''' ''[scoffs]'' Oh, is that right? You want some advice? Find better lawyers.
:'''Kim:''' Howard, please j-just... just... just turn around—
:'''Lalo:''' No, no, no, no, no. Take your time.
:'''Howard:''' ''[to Kim]'' What's this about? 
:''[Lalo calmly takes a pistol out of his pocket and screws a silencer onto the muzzle]''
:'''Kim:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Please... please, just tell us what you want.
:'''Lalo:''' ''[shrugs]'' Like I said. To talk.
:'''Howard:''' I, uh... I think I'm in the middle of something, uh... There's really no need to—
:''[Lalo puts the gun to Howard's head and pulls the trigger; Howard falls onto the floor, killed instantly. Jimmy and Kim scream.]''
:'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Please, no!''
:'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''No! No!''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[holds out his hand to quiet them down]'' ''Shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh.'' Okay. Let's talk.

=== ''[[w:Point and Shoot (Better Call Saul) | Point and Shoot]]'' [6.08] ===
:''[Jimmy and Kim are cowering in terror when Lalo forces them to sit on their couch]''
:'''Jimmy''': I never turned on you. I didn't. I only worked for you in the desert. I was on your side the whole time.
:'''Lalo''': Shhh. ''[motions for Jimmy to sit down with his gun]'' I don't care. You two... ''[chuckles; shakes his head]'' God, you two and your mouths! ''Dios mío!'' Now, ''you listen.'' ''[tosses car keys to Jimmy]'' My car's downstairs. Press the clicker, and you'll find it. This... ''[holds up small piece of paper]'' is where you are going. Don't speed, don't weave, don't cut anyone off. Just, you know, drive nice. From here, ''[checks watch]'' at this hour... I'd take 40 east, get off at Carlisle, take the third left. The rest I drew a little map for you on the back. It's not hard. So... big white brick house with a solid black door. You can't miss it. It's right at the end of the T. Park a little down the street and not up front. It's a quiet neighborhood, so you'll have plenty of options. Stating the obvious here maybe, but... turn the car off, right? So, in the glove compartment, I left you a present. There's a camera and there's a gun. And you're gonna need both.
:'''Jimmy''': A gun?
:'''Lalo''': Yeah, yeah, yeah. But don't worry. I mean, it's–it's easy. It's a revolver. It's already loaded, no safety—it's idiot proof. So, you go up to that house, you walk right up to that black door. Don't run. Just be casual, like a stroll, you know? Keep the gun somewhere behind you where they can't see it. You ring the bell, you count to three, you step back. They look through the peephole, you're as innocent as can be. Door opens, you point... and you shoot. And you keep on pulling that trigger until it's empty. ''[pause]'' Simple. 
:'''Jimmy''': You–you want me to—?!
:'''Lalo''': I know, I know. ''[casually nudges Howard's dead body with his foot]'' You're a lawyer, and you're not a killer. But look, you can do this, okay? This guy, he's a housecat! Black, medium height, short hair, glasses! He kinda looks like a librarian... but don't be fooled. Even a housecat can scratch. So, that's it. Hard part's over. Now, you pull out the camera. Same principle as the gun: Point and shoot. Take a picture. One where I can see the face ''clearly''... and then you bring it back here where, me and Mrs. Goodman will be waiting for you. And then you're done! I'd say it's about a twenty minute drive over there... ''[Jimmy looks nervously at Kim]'' twenty minutes back. Maybe ten minutes to do the job. Let's go with an hour altogether. So, you're back here in an hour, or—
:''[Jimmy forcibly turns on the Saul Goodman charm]''
:'''Jimmy''': Send her.
:'''Kim''': ...What?! 
:'''Jimmy''': She should do it.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy...
:'''Lalo''': ''[pause]'' Why her? 
:'''Kim''': ''[whispers to Jimmy]'' Don't do this.
:'''Jimmy''': This guy, the–the housecat.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy, please.
:'''Jimmy''': He looks through his peephole... 
:'''Kim''': ''Please.''
:'''Jimmy''': ...in the middle of the night, and he sees me? &quot;Who's this asshole? What's he doing?&quot; Maybe–maybe he gets ''his'' gun, maybe he calls the cops. Either way, that door stays shut. But he sees a woman...
:'''Kim''': No.
:'''Jimmy''': ...she looks like she's in distress. Maybe her car broke down. ''[chuckles]'' I mean, you'd open the door for her, wouldn't you?
:'''Kim''': Stop! Stop!
:'''Lalo''': Yeah, but... she's really clever. I don't know if she's gonna stick to the plan.
:'''Jimmy''': She will.
:'''Kim''': No, no, no.
:'''Jimmy''': No cops. You know she will.
:'''Kim''': No. No, this... This doesn't even make any sense! I–I–I've never shot a gun before! I've never even held one!  
:'''Jimmy''': Like I have.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy, what are you doing?! 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo while pointing at Kim]'' You know she's the best choice.
:'''Kim''': No, I'm not! I don't—I can't! I can't do it! 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo]'' She can do it. You know she can do it!
:'''Kim''': No! Jimmy, I'll stay! Stop! Just stop! 
:'''Jimmy''': You know I'm right! Listen! 
:'''Kim''': Stop it! Shut up! 
:'''Jimmy''': Listen! 
:'''Kim''': SHUT UP!
:'''Lalo''': ''[rolls his eyes]'' Oh, my God! Okay, fine! Yeah, heard! Whatever. Give her the keys, give her the address. Let's go. ''[walks toward the front door]'' 
:'''Kim''': ''[to Jimmy]'' No. Don't... Don't.
:'''Jimmy''': You... you gotta go.
:'''Kim''': ''[softly]'' Don't do this.
:'''Jimmy''': Come on. Hey... ''[whispering]'' Let's go.
:''[Kim reluctantly gets up and is about to leave the apartment, but Lalo stops her]''
:'''Lalo''': Hold on. ''[pause; Kim looks at him]'' You're gonna need your shoes, right? 
:''[Kim stares at Jimmy while she puts her shoes on]'' 
:'''Lalo''': There you go! Okay, ''[looks at watch]'' so one hour starting... now. Clock's ticking, Mrs. Goodman.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo ties Jimmy to a chair while interrogating him about the assassination attempt at his hacienda]'' 
:'''Lalo''': You know, after I saw you last, I went home. My home. ''Mi cielito lindo''... And you know what happened? Men came. Armed men, in the middle of the night. To my home. Trying to get to me. And you know what they did? They killed people I care about. They killed my cook. My gardener. A seventeen-year-old kid I knew since he was knee-high. Never hurt a fly. Butchered my housekeeper, Yolanda. ''Una viejita, cabrón.'' They shot her in the back. 
:'''Jimmy''': ...I'm sorry.
:'''Lalo''': Now, how did these men... get into my home? Do you know? 
:'''Jimmy''': I... I have–I have no idea.
:'''Lalo''': Ignacio Varga. ''He'' let them in. And who did Ignacio introduce me to? ''[taps Jimmy's head]'' You.
:'''Jimmy''': Ignacio... Nacho? ''[brief pause]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa! I–I barely know Ignacio! Whatever he did, he did alone! Not with me! Listen, you gotta believe me! Hand to God, I had no part in this—it wasn't me! ''It was '''Igna—''''' 
:''[Lalo sneaks up from behind and gags Jimmy with a rolled-up shirt]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[through the gag]'' Ignacio! It's not me! Listen, listen! I–I don't know about...
:'''Lalo''': Save it. ''[looks Jimmy in the eyes]'' I'm gonna come back. And then you... are gonna tell me ''the whole story.''
:''[Before leaving the apartment, Lalo presses play on the movie Jimmy and Kim were watching earlier and turns up the volume. He picks up Jimmy's car keys by the front door.]''
:'''Lalo''': Ford Taurus... taupe? ''[rolls eyes and shakes his head before leaving]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike disarms Kim and forces her inside Gus' house before she can shoot. Gus watches Mike question her through surveillance monitors at his neighbors' residence.]''
:'''Kim''': What are you doing?! I–I have to go! I have to—No, wait! 
:'''Mike''': Ms. Wexler, I'd like you to sit down.
:'''Kim''': He'll–He'll kill him! You have to... You—
:'''Mike''': Now, sit there and be calm!
:'''Kim''': No, I have to get back! ''I have to get back!''
:'''Mike''': ''[restrains her and forces her back down]'' Sit ''still''... and stay calm. Now, if you take a deep breath—a ''deep'' breath—nothing's gonna happen here until you calm yourself. Alright? Now, who is killing who?
:'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca! Lalo is going to kill Jimmy! ''[Mike looks shocked]'' He's there! He–he is there with Jimmy now!
:'''Mike''': Salamanca is at your apartment?!
:'''Kim''': Yes! He sent ''me!'' He–he wanted to send Jimmy, but then he sent me.
:'''Mike''': To do what exactly?! ''[pause; Kim hyperventilates]'' Ms. Wexler, you stay with me! What were you supposed to do here?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat; points at a man who looks identical to Gus]'' Shoot him. I'm–I'm supposed to shoot him, and then take a photo, and then get back. That's it. I only have twenty minutes left! Please! ''[Mike quickly looks and nods at one of his guys]'' He is ''alone'' with him!
:'''Mike''': Alright, stay put. We'll handle this. We ''will'' handle this. ''[to Victor]'' You call Tyrus. Get him to the condo ''now.''
:'''Kim''': You said you were watching us! WHERE WERE YOU?! HUH?! ''[Mike leaves]'' '''WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!''' 
:''[Kim tries to get up, but Victor stands in her way and forces her to sit down again]'' 
:'''Victor''': You heard what the man said.
:''[Mike walks through the corridor connecting the two homes and reports to Gus.]''
:'''Mike''': You heard all that? ''[Gus nods]'' Alright. You hunker down here. ''[to two bodyguards]'' You two, you stay with him. A dog barks too loud, you are on the phone with me. ''[to Arthur and Tyrus]'' You two, come with me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After growing restless over Lalo's whereabouts, Gus calls Victor and asks him to speak to Kim about Lalo]''
:'''Gus''': Why did Lalo send you?
:'''Kim''': Who is this? 
:'''Victor''': Answer him. ''[points behind him]''
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' He didn't want to send me. Not at first. He wanted to send my husband... but my husband talked him out of it because he wanted to get me out of there.
:'''Gus''': He... talked Lalo out of it?
:'''Kim''': That's right. ''[pause]'' Now that I've told you everything I know, please tell me. Tell me who—
:''[Gus hangs up the phone and looks at his bodyguards]'' 
:'''Gus''': Come with me. Both of you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo records another video message for Don Eladio while holding Gus at gunpoint at the laundromat. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Lalo:''' Don Eladio, look who we have here. The one and only Gustavo Fring. [''chuckles''] And wearing body armor! Too bad they don't make armor for your head, eh? Now we're gonna take a little walk and show you around. ''Vamanos''. [''clicks tongue''] Don, I would've liked it if we didn't have to rush this so much. We could sit by your pool... strip this snake's skin off, inch by inch. Take our time, have some fun. But he shows up now... who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth? 
:''[Gus stops at one of the large washers]''
:'''Lalo:''' A big machine hides a big secret. We have about... thirteen minutes until his bald ''gringo'' gets here with the cavalry, so Gustavo is going to have to give us the nickel tour. ''[beat; shoots Gus in the chest]'' Like I was saying, Gustavo is going to show us around. 
:''[Gus walks around and pushes a button, which opens the secret passage to the underground meth lab]'' 
:'''Lalo:''' ''Ha!'' Magnificent! I had a bathtub that did this, but... credit where credit is due, this is better. ''[laughs]'' ''Hijo de puta''. 
:''[Gus leads Lalo down a ladder and turns on the lights]''
:'''Lalo:''' [''chuckles; in English''] Okay. Drumroll, please. ''D-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r''... Ta-da! ''[laughs]'' ''Cadenza de wow'', no? ''[in Spanish]'' Don Eladio, I've heard some stories about this place. It took a bunch of German engineers ten months to build all of this. They used two hundred pounds of high explosive. Dug out 120,000 cubic meters of dirt and rock. And all... without disturbing the laundry up there. In the middle of a city with a million people! That's pretty badass, right? 
:''[Gus trips and falls to the ground when Lalo pushes his pistol against his back]''
:'''Lalo''': One moment, Don. ''[puts the camcorder between his teeth as he switches the magazines of his pistol]'' Think of the laboratory you could put here, Don Eladio. ''Eh?'' How much meth you could make... that was his plan. Cut you out to become boss. And now here we are, in this big hole! ''[cackles]'' Gustavo thought he was building an empire, but all he built himself was a tomb. 
:'''Gus:''' You can't kill me.
:'''Lalo:''' Why not?
:'''Gus:''' I haven't told that fat pig Eladio what I think of him yet. 
:'''Lalo:''' ''Hoo-hoo!'' Perfect! You've got one minute. 
:'''Gus:''' Eladio... you greasy, bloated pimp. You talk of honor. But you have none. A pack of stray dogs fighting for scraps has more honor. Jackals. That's all you are! No vision. No patience. No thought. Stupid and impulsive! That is how I did all this. You couldn't see it, couldn't even conceive of it. And you Salamancas... you're the worst vermin of all. You say you believe in &quot;blood for blood&quot; but you only understand blood for money! You're whores!  ''[in English]'' I understand blood for blood. Hector? Yeah, I kept him alive. Kept him broken. I will save him to the last. Before he dies, he will know '''''I''' buried every one of you.'' 
:'''Lalo:''' ''[sniggers]'' Big talk. You done?
:'''Gus:''' No. Not yet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy:''' Lalo said he was coming back.
:'''Mike:''' He's not coming.
:'''Jimmy:''' No, he said he was, he told me—
:'''Mike:''' You understand me? He is ''not coming back.'' Let's sit. ''[pause; Jimmy and Kim remain standing]'' '''''SIT.'''''
:''[Jimmy and Kim sit at the foot of their bed; Mike stands in front of them.]''
:'''Mike:''' Alright. Here's what's gonna happen: In a few days, Howard Hamlin's car will be found several states away by the water. The odometer will have rolled to the exact number of miles it took to get there. There will be cocaine in the upholstery. That was the story you were setting up for this guy, yeah? They'll call it a suicide, hoping the body will come washing up. It never will. At some point, you're gonna hear about it. Someone calls you, someone at the courthouse mentions it—the moment that happens—you call the cops. His car was here for hours last night. Good chance somebody noticed it. That means you are the last people to see him alive. Cops are gonna want to hear from you. You tell the cops you saw him—he came here, seemed like maybe he was chemically altered, didn't make a lick of sense. Then he left, that's all you know. You keep telling the lie you've been telling. Now, Ms. Wexler tells me she has court at ten. What's on your docket? ''[Jimmy doesn't answer]'' Hey. ''Listen.'' Where do you need to be?
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh, office. At my office. Clients start showing up around 9:30. ''Oh'', my car is gone.
:'''Mike:''' No. It's on the way home, you'll have it when you need it. So you two are going to go about your day—normal, same as ever. Today, you're Meryl Streep and Laurence Olivier. No staring into space, nothing out of the ordinary, you ''cover.'' Anybody talks to you, it's just another day that ends in Y, that's all. When you get home, we'll be gone and everything will be back the way it was. Now, I need to impress upon you: none of this ever happened. None of it. Understand? Say it out loud, I need to hear it.
:'''Jimmy:''' ...I understand.
:'''Kim:''' ...It never happened.

=== ''[[w:Fun and Games (Better Call Saul) | Fun and Games]]'' [6.09] ===
:'''Jimmy''': One day, we'll... We'll wake up, and brush our teeth, and we'll go to work. And at some point, we'll suddenly realize... [[w:Bad Choice Road | that we hadn't thought about it at all. None of it]]. ''[pause]'' And that's when we'll know. We'll know we can forget.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gus meets with Don Eladio, Juan Bolsa, and the Salamancas late at night. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Eladio''': Don Hector has made a very serious accusation. 
:''[One of the Cousins hands a letter to Don Juan]'' 
:'''Bolsa''': These are Don Hector's words. Dictated to Leonel and Marco, letter by letter. &quot;The assault on my nephew's hacienda failed. Lalo fought the assassins and won. The day after the attack, Lalo called me. I heard the truth from his own lips. It was Fring who sent the mercenaries, not the Peruvians. We kept Lalo's survival a secret. My nephew was about to take his revenge on the traitor, face-to-face. Instead, he disappeared. It is the Chicken Man's doing. Don Eladio, look into Fring's eyes. There you will see the truth. The Chicken Man hates you. He is our enemy. He plots against us. I demand blood for blood.&quot;
:''[Bolsa folds the letter and sits back down]''
:'''Eladio''': Well, Gustavo?
:'''Gus''': ''[pause]'' I have no response.
:'''Bolsa''': Gustavo, you must speak. Have you no defense?
:'''Gus''': With all due respect, I don't believe this merits a response.
:'''Eladio''': Did you witness these phone calls from Lalo? ''[Leonel and Marco shake their heads]'' I was told you saw Lalo's body.
:'''Leonel''': Yes.
:'''Marco''': It was burned.
:'''Eladio''': Didn't the ''federales'' check the teeth?
:'''Bolsa''': Yes, Don Eladio. My brother tells me the dental records matched. 
:'''Eladio''': And that rat, Varga... What did he say before he died?
:'''Bolsa''': He said he was in the pay of the Peruvians, Los Odios. We know he took their money, we found bank statements.
:'''Eladio''': ''[beat; looks at his watch]'' Well... It's late. Don Hector... Since you've come a long way, tonight you sleep in my bed. ''[Hector angrily rings his bell repeatedly in protest]'' No, I insist. No arguing. I'm giving you my room. Very comfortable. And who knows? Maybe a couple of the girls will come to visit! ''[pause; Hector continues ringing his bell]'' Please. ''[Leonel and Marco carry Hector by his wheelchair and leave]'' Good night, Hector. Sleep well. ''[to Gus]'' I'd invite you to stay as well, Gustavo, but... I don't want my breakfast ruined by all the... ''[mocks Hector ringing his bell and laughs]'' Ay-yay-yay. ''[beat]'' The peace must be kept. What do you suggest?
:'''Gus''': I wouldn't presume.
:'''Eladio''': The South Valley will stay Salamanca territory. And the rest of the North, that'll be for you to manage. Working under Bolsa.
:'''Bolsa''': Thank you, Don Eladio.
:'''Gus''': ''[rises with Eladio out of his chair]'' Thank you. Your trust means everything, Don Eladio.
:'''Eladio''': ''Bueno.'' Gustavo... ''[long pause]'' When I looked into your eyes... Hate. A little bit's okay. As long as you never forget who's boss. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike meets with Nacho's father outside his shop to let him know about Nacho's fate]''
:'''Manuel''': Who are you?
:'''Mike''': It's not important.
:'''Manuel''': I saw you here before. [[w:Cobbler (Better Call Saul)|Chrysler Fifth Avenue]]. What about my son?
:'''Mike''': I'm sorry, he won't be found. ''[pause]'' It was over fast. No pain.
:'''Manuel''': You were there?
:'''Mike''': I was there. Your son made some mistakes, he fell in with bad people... but he was never like them. Not really. He had a good heart. One more thing: you won't have to worry about the Salamancas. Their day is coming. There'll be justice.
:'''Manuel''': Justice?
:'''Mike''': I'm sorry, my Spanish - j-''justicia.'' Justice.
:'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' What you talk about... is not justice. What you talk of is... ''revenge.'' It never ends... my boy is gone. ''[scoffs, speaks in Spanish]'' You gangsters and your &quot;justice.&quot; You're all the same.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim approach Cliff and Howard's widow, Cheryl, at a memorial reception in the offices of HHM.]''
:'''Kim:''' Cliff.
:'''Cliff:''' Kim, Jimmy.
:'''Cheryl:''' Kim, hi.
:''[Jimmy extends his hand to Cheryl; she doesn't take it]''
:'''Jimmy:''' Hi, Cheryl. I'm Jimmy McGill. You may not remember me. I'm Chuck McGill's brother.
:'''Cheryl:''' Of course.
:'''Jimmy:''' Very sorry for your loss. ''[sighs]''
:'''Kim:''' Cheryl, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. If Jimmy and I can do anything for you or your family, please just say the word.
:''[Jimmy and Kim are about to walk away]''
:'''Cheryl:''' There is something, actually. You two were the last ones to see him, weren't you?
:'''Kim:''' Um...
:'''Jimmy:''' I guess so. Uh, that's what the police said.
:'''Cheryl:''' Howard told me that you were harassing him, playing elaborate pranks of some sort. That you wouldn't leave him alone.
:'''Jimmy:''' I know he thought that. He—he—he told me as well. Um, I think he honestly believed it.
:'''Cheryl:''' But you're denying it.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' You know what, I didn't leave here under the best terms. The past few years, I could have been more considerate to Howard instead of yitzing him every chance I got. I guess, uh, there was a certain amount of jealousy on my part because Howard had the, uh, respect of my brother. Which I never did. ''[Jimmy steps away]''
:'''Cheryl:''' Tell me what you told the police. 
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' Okay, um... Well, I mean, it was 11pm. Howard started pounding on our door. He was very upset, going on about something, um, he thought was my fault, uh... Guess it had to do with the Sandpiper case. But I—I couldn't make head or tail out of it. We tried to calm him down. But... he just—he just wouldn't, um... Finally, he left. That's—that's it.
:'''Cheryl:''' I'm not oblivious. I know people are saying he was on drugs. Is that what you're trying to tell me?
:'''Jimmy:''' I just... He just didn't seem like himself.
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' Are you hearing all of this? Because none of it makes sense to me. 
:'''Cliff:''' Cheryl, maybe we should just—
:'''Cheryl:''' I don't care what people are saying. I don't care what the police think. Howard was not on drugs. That simply is not true. There's something more to this. 
:'''Kim:''' I don't know if it's my place, but... I—I...
:'''Cheryl:''' Please. Just spit it out. ''[sharply inhales]''
:'''Kim:''' ''[sighs]'' It was about a year-and-a-half ago. I was still an associate here, working late on a brief. And I saw a light on in Howard's office. I assumed the cleaning crew left it on by mistake. And I was sure that office was empty, so I didn't knock.
:'''Cheryl:''' ...And?
:'''Kim:''' And Howard was there at his desk, head down. And he was snorting something. 
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[scoffs]''
:'''Kim:''' I looked at him. He looked at me. I didn't know what to do, so I just walked out. And the next morning, when we saw each other, neither of us ever said anything about it. I never told anyone. But now I wish I had. 
:''[Long pause]''
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' In all the years that you worked with him, have you witnessed anything like this? Even a hint? Cliff...
:'''Cliff:''' I... Cheryl, this really isn't the time or the place.
:''[Cheryl begins to cry]''
:'''Kim:''' Cheryl. You were his wife. You saw him every day. You knew him better than anyone. Maybe I misunderstood what I saw. You would have known. 
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[voice breaking]'' Please excuse me.
:''[Cheryl retreats into a women's restroom]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kim and her client are sitting in a courtroom as the presiding judge, Gabriel Dearden, takes the bench]''
:'''Bailiff:''' All rise. Court is now in session, the Honorable Judge Dearden presiding.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Good afternoon. We are here to discuss a motion to exclude evidence in ''State of New Mexico vs. Yarborough''. 
:'''Kim:''' ''[rises]'' Your honor, if I may. I submitted an additional motion. I'm assuming you have not seen it yet.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Did we get that?
:'''Secretary:''' It just came in, judge.
:''[The secretary approaches the bench and hands the motion to Judge Dearden]''
:'''Kim:''' I apologize, it was a last-minute addition. 
:'''Judge Dearden:''' &quot;Last minute&quot; is right. ''[looking through the motion]'' 
:''[Pause]''
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ...Do I understand this correctly? You're requesting to withdraw from this case?
:'''Kim:''' Yes, your honor. My client is fully informed. And I've already been in touch with another attorney, Paige Novick. She's highly qualified and familiar with the case. She's prepared to step if you'll allow it.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Ms. Wexler, Mr. Orenstein, approach the bench.
:''[Kim and the prosecutor do so]''
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[to Kim]'' Ms. Wexler, we are here today at your insistence to consider your motion to exclude evidence. And this is the moment you choose to withdraw?
:'''Kim:''' It was unavoidable.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' May I ask why?
:'''Kim:''' Personal reasons, your honor.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' &quot;Personal reasons.&quot; Are we talking about a health issue, something to do with a loved one?
:'''Kim:''' No.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you rather discuss privately in chambers?
:'''Kim:''' Thank you for the consideration, but no.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you care to supply any detail at all?
:'''Kim:''' Your honor, I prefer not to.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[pause; to Orenstein]'' ...Mr. Orenstein, is the state prepared to discuss Ms. Wexler's motion?
:'''Orenstein:''' We are, your honor. Absolutely.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' You know what, Ms. Wexler? Mr. Orenstein's here. I'm here. We all showed up for your party, and now you're taking away the punch bowl. I'm inclined to have you argue your motion, then I'll consider later writing petitions. 
:'''Kim:''' I'm sorry for wasting the court's time, your honor, but it's impossible for me to continue with this hearing.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' And why is that, Ms. Wexler?
:'''Kim:''' Because I'm no longer an attorney. 
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[brief pause]'' ...I'm sorry, what?
:'''Kim:''' I gave notice to the bar two hours ago.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy arrives home after hearing the news that Kim has quit her legal career]''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''You did what?!'' Why?! ''WHY?!'' Alright, alright, I know why. But Kim, you can't just—
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy, I—
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Shhh!'' Just let me say my piece, okay? Just—Let's take a breath here! Kim, after everything that happened... I mean, Jesus! I get it! You want to climb out of your own skin! That's natural! But Kim, you don't just throw everything away! Th-th-this is your life! You're a lawyer! What about your clients, huh? What about, uh... that poor guy, Mr. Yarborough? What about the kid in foster care? Huh?! You give them everything you got! Who are they going to find who is half as good as you?! No one! They need you!
:'''Kim:''' It's already done.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Ugh!'' ''[pause]'' Okay, what's done can be undone. All I'm saying is just—just let's take a week or two to think it over. For now, we're gonna take some time off. God knows we need it. We're gonna to find a new place, we're—we're gonna leave here. We're never, ever gonna come back here again. Okay? We're gonna—we're gonna put it behind us! Things will look brighter! I guarantee it! But first we have to fix this. So we're gonna go back to the hotel room, and you're gonna write letters. You're gonna write a letter to the bar, you're gonna write letters to your clients. You—you—you dictate, I will type. We're gonna roll this thing back. I'll order a pizza, we'll pull an all-nighter. Because we're in this together. Okay? So I'm gonna go get your—your printer, and then we're gonna get the hell out of here.
:''[Jimmy turns to head into the bedroom]''
:'''Kim:''' Wait— Jimmy. Jimmy!
:''[Jimmy enters the bedroom to discover half-full boxes and luggage everywhere]''
:'''Kim:''' You asked if you were bad for me. That's not it. We are bad for each other. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Kim. Don't do this. Kim, please.
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy... ''[holding back tears]'' ...I have had the time of my life with you. But we are bad for everyone around us. Other people suffer because of us. Apart we're okay, but together we're poison. 
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[shakes his head]'' No, no. Just tell me what I need to do to change, okay? Just tell me what it is, and I'll do it. 
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy...
:'''Jimmy:''' No, Kim. You make me happy. We make each other happy. How can that be bad? Hey... I love you.
:'''Kim:''' I love you, too. ''[voice breaking]'' But so what? 
:'''Jimmy:''' No. No. No, Kim, you're wrong! ''This is about '''Howard!''''' Okay?! What happened to him wasn't on us! It wasn't your fault! It wasn't ''my'' fault! It was that ''fucking Lalo Salamanca!'' That psychopath came back from the dead and he walked through that door! He did this! Not us, ''him!'' 
:'''Kim:''' I knew.
:'''Jimmy:''' You knew wh-what?
:'''Kim:''' I knew he was alive.
:'''Jimmy:''' No, you didn't.
:'''Kim:''' It was about a month ago. I saw that car following me again. And it turned out that Mike Ehrmantraut had guys watching both of us, watching for Lalo. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Mike... Mike told you that Lalo was alive? ''[Kim nods]'' And you didn't tell me?
:'''Kim:''' ''[pause]'' Jimmy... I thought... I thought it was a one-in-a-million chance that he'd come for us. I thought he would be caught if he did. And I told myself I was protecting you. But that's not the truth. The reason I didn't tell you was because I knew what you'd do.
:'''Jimmy:''' Wh-what would I do?
:'''Kim:''' You'd—you'd blame yourself. You'd fear for me. You'd want us to run and hide until you were sure I was safe. You would pull the plug on the scam, and then... ''[pause]'' ...and then, we'd break up. And I didn't want that. Because I was having too much ''fun''.
:''[Kim breaks down crying and returns to the bedroom to pack; Jimmy stands in the living room in silence]''

=== ''[[w:Nippy (Better Call Saul) | Nippy]]'' [6.10] ===
:''[Saul is confronted by Jeff after he unexpectedly shows up at his home]''
:'''Jeff''': Dude, what the fuck?!
:'''Saul''': I know, it's awkward, right? But you don't have to call me Dad. Yet.
:'''Jeff''': I don't know what this is about, but all I have to do is pick up the phone and it's &quot;Bye-bye, Saul Goodman.&quot;
:'''Saul''': Yeah, but you haven't picked up the phone yet, have ya? Or tried to strong-arm me for cash. And guess what? I know why. Because reward money—blackmail—that's not gonna tickle your pickle. I know what you really want. 
:'''Jeff''': Oh, yeah? What's that?
:'''Saul''': You want in the game.
:'''Jeff''': The game? What—what game?
:'''Saul''': The ''game.'' The one you've been watching your entire life. You got your nose pressed up against the glass, peering in while the big boys play.
:'''Jeff''': Speak English, man. What the hell are you talking about?
:'''Saul''': ''The game.'' It's right there. You can see it, but you can't touch it yet. ''[pause]'' Cars, clothes. The cash, the ladies. It's about knowing all the angles, you know? Putting it all on the line and winning ''big.'' But here you are, Jeffy. Standing outside with the suckers, trying to pay off that cab, sweating the bills. You're getting older. It's—it's so close, but dammit you just can't get in! Until now. I can make it happen.
:'''Jeff''': ''[beat]'' You?
:'''Saul''': Saul Goodman. ''[pause]'' So, here's the deal. I will show you the game, and then we're done. 
:''[Jeff stares at Saul for another moment before smiling]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jeff runs around a maze in the outline of a mall. Saul, on a loudspeaker, shouts directions to him.]''
:'''Saul''': Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! HALT!
:''[Jeff stops, breathing heavily.]''
:'''Jeff:''' What?!
:'''Saul''': That's too many, you gotta be precise! Just three of each.
:'''Jeff:''' Why? And why do I gotta run around like an asshole?
:'''Saul''': I already told you! Three minutes, got it? That's our window!
:'''Jeff:''' Yeah, but why three minutes?
:'''Saul''': Because at three minutes, that's when security sees you on the cameras and the cops haul your ass to jail, alright? So let's go.
:'''Jeff:''' Wait, there's cameras?
:'''Saul''': Sure there's cameras! They erase the tapes every seventy-two hour, so that's why you only take three of each, and only the pricey stuff. When the store opens the next morning, they won't even know they were robbed. By the time they do inventory, abra cadabra, no more Jeffy on the tape! Right, so, three items, three minutes... It's easy. Let's go.
:''[Jeff walks back to the start of the maze.]''
:'''Saul''': How many of each?
:'''Jeff:''' Three...
:'''Saul''': Pigs get fat, hogs get slaughtered!
:'''Jeff:''' I don't know...
:'''Saul''': What don't you know?
:'''Jeff:''' Just, this whole thing, it seems crazy!
:'''Saul''': Is this too hot for you?! Ju— You know what, just say so! You know what? Screw it. &quot;Crazy?&quot; I'll tell you what's crazy! [[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad) | Fifty-year-old high school chemistry teacher]] [[w:Breaking Bad | comes into my office. The guy is so broke, he can't pay his own mortgage. One year later, he's got a pile of cash as big as a Volkswagen.]] ''That's'' crazy.
:'''Jeff's Friend:''' I'll do it.
:'''Jeff:''' This sounds good to you?
:'''Jeff's Friend:''' I think it'll work. 
:'''Saul''': Well, look at you! Hey, you're young. You're probably, uh... Fast in the feet, huh?
:'''Jeff:''' O-Okay, I didn't say I wouldn't do it! I just... Had some questions about, like... Logistics.
:'''Saul''': Are you in or out?
:'''Jeff:''' In.
:'''Saul''': ''[sighs]'' Okay, back to one. ''[He speaks into the loudspeaker as Jeff sets himself up.]'' Check, test, one-two, one-two.  Okay! And ready, set, action!
:''[Jeff begins running.]''
:'''Saul''': Move, move, move! Pick up the pace! Go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! Let's go, let's go, let's go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[On the night of the robbery, Saul watches Jeff through the mall cameras while one of the security guards, Frank, is eating a Cinnabon roll with his back facing the cameras.]'' 
:'''Saul''': How about that 44-21 win against the Cavs?
:'''Frank''': Be still my heart. ''[laughs]''
:'''Saul''': Seventy-six yard pass to Reggie Ball, and–and never sacked once. 
:'''Frank''': Wow, you have got quite the memory.
:'''Saul''': ...Yeah, well—I'll tell you what. I can remember every stitch of clothing I was wearing during that game, but ask me what I had for dinner and... ''[whistles]'' Clean slate.
:'''Frank''': Tell me about it! ''[Saul checks his stopwatch, which is at two minutes and fifteen seconds]'' Well, I'll tell ya: If you're not passing the ball, that's what's gonna happen. ''[eats another bite]'' Mmm! 
:''[Eventually, Jeff runs with the last round of clothes when he slips and falls. Saul chokes on his coffee.]''
:'''Frank''': You okay?
:'''Saul''': ''[coughs]'' Wrong pipe.
:'''Frank''': Oh, okay. So, you think our guys are move to the Big Ten like they're sayin'?
:'''Saul''': ''[pause]'' Big Ten?
:'''Frank''': Yeah, you know, maybe they're just chasing the almighty dollar if you ask me. I mean, both powerhouses of course. But, you know what? You got Oklahoma and Texas over here. But Michigan, Ohio State over there! ''[Saul looks nervously at the cameras]'' I... I don't know. Guess  I like tradition. ''[chuckles; sighs as he takes yet another bite]'' So good. Just amazing. Wow. 
:''[After Saul realizes Jeff is out cold, he fakes a nervous breakdown to distract Frank]''
:'''Saul''': God, what am I doing?
:'''Frank''': What?
:'''Saul''': ''[cries out again as Frank turns his head towards the cameras]'' Look at me! Wha—I don't know what... ''[sobs]'' Oh, Jesus! 
:'''Frank''': Gene?
:'''Saul''': Oh, God. You... you have a wife, right, Frank?
:'''Frank''': Yeah.
:'''Saul''': Yeah?
:'''Frank''': Yeah.
:'''Saul''': She's waiting for you? ''[Frank nods]'' Look at me. I got... I got no one. My parents are dead. [[w:Chuck McGill | My brother]]... ''[beat; looks down]'' My brother is dead. I, uh... I don't have a wife. No kids, no friends. If I die tonight, no one would care. What difference would it make?
:''[Saul looks up again and notices Jeff slowly getting himself up]''
:'''Frank''': Gene, buddy... I—I'm sure you mean a lot to... to a lot of—lots of people. ''[turns his head around]''
:'''Saul''': ''[slams fist on table]'' If I die tonight, my landlord would pack up my stuff. It'd take him three hours. And Cinnabon would just hire a new manager. Gene who?! Poof, I'd be gone! I'd be... a–a ghost. No, not a ghost. I'd be a... a shadow. I'd just mean ''nothing.'' I mean, Frank... What's the ''point'', Frank? What's the...
:''[Saul sees Jeff put away the clothes in the box. He groans as he watches Jeff run out of the warehouse, then claps when he's out of sight]''
:'''Saul''': ''[sighs]'' I'm sorry. You didn't need to hear that.
:'''Frank''': No, no, no. That's–that's okay. No, that is okay. Everybody has bad days.
:'''Saul''': You've felt like this?
:'''Frank''': ...No. I mean, not me, but... people. I think a lot of people.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Saul''': You guys enjoying yourselves? Well, hold on to that feeling, 'cause this is it.
:'''Jeff''': Yeah, we know.
:'''Saul''': Well, in case you forget, you transported stolen goods with a value exceeding $5,000. And the truck you used to do it was rented in Council Bluffs across state lines.
:'''Jeff''': You told us to rent the truck over there, so—
:'''Saul''': ''[motions for Jeff to stop talking]'' Theft from an interstate shipment, up to ten years. Transportation of stolen goods, another ten years. Sale of stolen goods, ten years. Conspiracy to commit a federal crime—
:'''Jeff's Friend''': Whoa, hold on. Conspiracy? It was your idea.
:'''Saul''': Yeah. It's called mutually assured destruction, so... if I go down, you go down.
:'''Jeff''': Man, you don't have to threaten us. We're all friends, here.
:'''Saul''': I am not your friend. And if you get greedy, and you decide to come back for more, ''don't.'' Gene Takavic, you've never heard of him. Cottonwood Mall, you don't go there. You see me comin', you cross to the other side of the street. 
:'''Jeff''': Dude.
:'''Saul''': Now, I need you to say it. We're done.
:'''Jeff''': ''[pause; laughs]'' Come on! 
:'''Saul''': Say it. ''We're done. '''Say it.'''''
:'''Jeff''': ''[beat; looks at his friend briefly]'' We're done.
:'''Jeff's Friend''': ''[pause]'' We're–we're done.

=== [6.11] ===

=== [6.12] ===

=== [6.13] ===

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Better Call Saul seasons]]
[[Category:Split television seasons]]</text>
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      <id>3147974</id>
      <parentid>3147972</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T02:13:35Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>130.44.180.17</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/*  Nippy [6.10] */</comment>
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----
:'''Season''' [[Better Call Saul (season 1)|1]] [[Better Call Saul (season 2)|2]] [[Better Call Saul (season 3)|3]] [[Better Call Saul (season 4)|4]] [[Better Call Saul (season 5)|5]] [[Better Call Saul (season 6)|6]] | [[Better Call Saul|'''Main''']]
----

The following is a list of quotes from the sixth season of ''[[Better Call Saul]]''.

=== ''[[w:Wine and Roses|Wine and Roses]]'' [6.01] ===
:''[Mike, Gus, and Tyrus gather in the office trailer at the Los Pollos Hermanos chicken farm to discuss the aftermath of the attempted hit on Lalo Salamanca.]''
:'''Gus:''' Tell me again about the ''sicario'' who made the final report.
:'''Tyrus:''' He was already wounded when he talked to our cutout. Federales found him dead at the scene. But they got Salamanca.
:'''Gus:''' The mercenaries are dead. To a man. And yet their mission was a success?
:'''Mike:''' It has been known to happen. Now you go down there and get Varga, bring him home safe. There's ways to do it on the quiet. 
:''[Long pause; Gus and Tyrus both stare at him.]''
:'''Mike:''' ''[scoffs]'' ...Unless you already have something in the works.
:''[Tyrus turns and exits the trailer. Mike and Gus speak alone.]''
:'''Gus:''' Speak your mind.
:'''Mike:''' Loyalty goes both ways. Varga's done everything you asked him. 
:'''Gus:''' He wasn't given a choice.
:'''Mike:''' Maybe so, but he played a tough game. And he played it on the square. 
:'''Gus:''' ...And?
:'''Mike:''' When all is said and done, the kid deserves your respect.
:'''Gus:''' He has it. Is there more you wish to say?
:''[After a long pause, Mike exits the trailer.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim have dinner at a diner; conversation turns to the Ford Taurus that Jimmy has rented.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' I rented us a car. It's the Ford.
:'''Kim:''' So Saul Goodman drives a brown Ford Taurus?
:'''Jimmy:''' Detroit calls that taupe, I believe.
:'''Kim:''' Don't you think Saul Goodman would drive something with a little more... flair?
:'''Jimmy:''' Such as?
:'''Kim:''' I don't know. Definitely American-made. Something showy. And Saul Goodman has an office. Something eye-catching. Good location.
:'''Jimmy:''' By the courthouse?
:'''Kim:''' Yeah. A cathedral of justice.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Ooooh'', a cathedral of justice. Okay, yeah.
:'''Kim:''' We should start looking for something for you. I mean, for Saul.
:'''Jimmy:''' Sold. When do we start?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At the courthouse, Jimmy is confronted by the district attorney who prosecuted Lalo during his bail hearing]''
:'''ADA Khalil''': I've been calling you for two days.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, my girl's out sick. What can I do you for?
:'''ADA Khalil''': Tomorrow morning, 10 A.M.
:'''Jimmy''': Brunch? But just you and me, right? ''[points at Detective Roberts]'' I mean, won't the big fella here feel like a third wheel?
:'''ADA Khalil''': You and I are meeting Parson in chambers. I am asking for an emergency hearing to alter the terms of De Guzman's release.
:'''Jimmy''': Sounds like a blast. Unfortunately, I'm booked solid. 
:'''Detective Roberts''': I checked your client's place of residence. The address he gave, it's a Dairy Queen in Altamonte. The family that showed at the bail hearing can't be located. No driver's license, no tax rolls, no school records. Nothing. The fact is, there isn't a single Elizabeth McKinnon under the age of 73 living in New Mexico.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, this is–this is surprising.
:'''ADA Khalil''': Your client has disappeared, and I'm not waiting six weeks to start looking for him.
:'''Jimmy''': Hey, my guy put up seven million in bail. You think he's just gonna walk away from that?
:'''Detective Roberts''': Who comes up with seven million bucks in cash?
:'''ADA Khalil''': You know what I think? I think the family was fake. ''[to Jimmy]'' And I think you knew it the whole time.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, hold up. Just get real for a second. The hearing didn't go your way, and now you're trying for a do-over? You say my guy ran, I say he's got seven million reasons for showing up when he's legally required to do so. So, no, I won't be... uh, due process window dressing at any crash meeting with Parson. And if you try throwing any of this crap around in front of the judge without my presence, here's an accusation: Prosecutorial misconduct. ''Career-ending'' prosecutorial misconduct!
:'''Detective Roberts''': None of that changes the fact the guy's not who he said he was.
:'''Jimmy''': No, no, no! Hold on! You guys got caught with your pants around your ankles, and somehow that's on me?! I don't think so! ''[points at ADA Khalil]''  You got two dozen lawyers up there! You got investigators—you got the whole damn police force—and it's ''my'' fault that you can't keep track of Lalo?! ''That is '''not''' my job!''
:'''ADA Khalil''': Lalo? Who's Lalo?
:'''Jimmy''': What?! ''[blinks hard]'' What did I say... I meant De Guzman. I have more than one client! ''[chuckles]'' So... ''[clears throat]'' I will see you at the preliminary in six weeks as scheduled. Until then, I have clients who need me.
:''[Jimmy walks into an empty courtroom and sits down while contemplating his slip-up]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy takes a guided tour of the country club where Howard and Cliff are members, meeting with a tour guide named Norm in the main lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Hi, Norm Wakely. I understand you're in the market for a tour.
:'''Jimmy:''' That's right. Saul Goodman.
:'''Norm:''' Great to meet you, Mr. Goodman. 
:'''Jimmy:''' No please, call me Saul.
:'''Norm:''' Great. So Saul, can I get you anything before we get started? The coffee here is just unbeatable. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh, well, I'm fine. I'm fully caffeinated. 
:''[Kevin Wachtell walks into the room and becomes upset upon seeing Jimmy in the lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Well Saul, you and I are standing on hallowed ground. Five presidents have played on our course, starting with Dwight D. Eisenhower. But the story goes back even further than that–
:'''Kevin:''' ''Norm.''
:''[Jimmy and Norm turn toward Kevin.]''
:'''Kevin:''' Can I have a sec, please?
:'''Jimmy:''' Kevin, hey. How's it going?
:'''Norm:''' Uh, I'm sorry. I'm sure this will just be a moment.
:''[Norm goes over to Kevin and talks to him for a few moments, clearly being instructed to remove Jimmy from the premises.]''
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman. I'm so sorry, but I've just been reminded that in fact we have a two-year waiting list.
:'''Jimmy:''' Two years, wow. Maybe I could go on the tour anyway. I mean, 'cause I'm here. Just in case.
:'''Norm:''' Well unfortunately, we've suspended tours for the moment.
:'''Jimmy:''' You're not even giving tours?
:'''Norm:''' I apologize for the inconvenience. We–we'll be happy to call you if the situation changes. You left your number?
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh-huh.
:'''Norm:''' Well, we'll be in touch. If the situation changes. Again, I–I am sorry for your time and trouble. We just– ''[sighs]'' We had a few crosswires.
:'''Jimmy:''' Well... okay then.
:'''Norm:''' Thank you.
:''[Jimmy is about the leave the lounge, but impulsively stops, turns around, and approaches Norm again.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Norm:''' Oh, yes.
:'''Jimmy:''' Um, just so I understand: you were going to give me a tour and then realized you don't need new members?
:'''Norm:''' We have a waiting list.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, but you're the membership director... 
:'''Norm:''' I know.
:'''Jimmy:''' ...so you would have known that before. It doesn't really add up. I mean, I came in and everyone was rolling out the red carpet, and then all of a sudden something changed. I don't–
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman, I–
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Goodman.'' The name. The second you heard it, everything turned on a dime. Wow. Waiting list? I think you're talking about an ''exclusion'' list. It's okay, I should have known. Because, I mean, look! ''[raises his voice and walks to the middle of the lounge, where everyone can see him]'' It's wall-to-wall mayonnaise in here! So listen, if you're going to be restrictive, have the courage to say so!
:'''Norm:''' There's no question–
:'''Jimmy:''' There it is, folks! Anti-Semitism, alive and well right here in Albuquerque!
:'''Norm:''' Sir! We have many Jewish members!
:'''Jimmy:''' Oh good. Well, you met your quota then. Gold star for you.
:''[Kevin, flanked by two of his golf buddies, interjects.]''
:'''Kevin:''' Hold on. That's gotta be the biggest load of horse crap I've ever heard in my life. Go crawl back in your hole, McGill or Goodman – whatever you're calling yourself. What are you up to, anyway? Ginning up another one of your put-up job lawsuits? You two-faced, blackmailing, money-grubbing son of a bitch–
:'''Jimmy:''' Money-grubbing! You're saying the quiet part out loud, I think.
:'''Norm:''' Gentlemen, can we just keep the volume down?
:'''Kevin:''' You know damn well that's not what I meant!
:'''Jimmy:''' In this day and age, I'd hoped and prayed we'd be beyond this.
:'''Kevin:''' You're about as Jewish as my Aunt Fannie!
:'''Jimmy:''' Five-thousand years and it never ends!
:''[Kevin tries to take a swing at Jimmy, but is held back by his golf buddies.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Here it is! Violence! It always comes to this!''
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Wachtell, please!
:'''Kevin's Buddy:''' Come on, Kev.
:'''Kevin:''' ''[to Jimmy]'' You go to hell, you lying sack of shit.
:''[Kevin and his golf buddies leave the lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Sir. Mr. Goodman, I don't know what to say. That is not–
:'''Jimmy:''' I wouldn't be a member here. I wouldn't walk through those doors again after what happened to me here today. ''[feigns tears]'' Do you at least have a bathroom that I could use, seeing as how my– Stress like that is hell on my diverticulitis. 
:'''Norm:''' The men's locker room is the closest. It's straight through there.
:'''Jimmy:''' And I would be allowed to go in there?
:'''Norm:''' Yes, of course.
:'''Jimmy:''' I want you to know I don't blame you personally. I know you were just following orders. ''[to everyone in the lounge]'' It's okay, folks! I'm leaving! All is well!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo is preparing to be smuggled across the border with a group of undocumented immigrants when he decides to call the Casa Tranquila Nursing Home and speak to Hector. A nurse holds a phone up to Hector's ear in the common room. Hector uses his bell to communicate.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle, can you hear me? Do you know my voice?
:''[Hector visibly recognizes Lalo's voice.]''
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings bell twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' They told you about the attack, didn't they?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Let them keep believing I'm dead. So much the better. It was the chicken man. That coward sat up there in the north while his paramilitaries came into my home. My home, Uncle! Screw Bolsa, screw Eladio. I'm coming north. I'm going to hurt him. Hurt him like you taught me. And then I will kill him. 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings repeatedly in agreement]''
:'''Lalo:''' What is it?
:''[The nurse takes the phone from Hector.]''
:'''Nurse:''' Hector? ''[to Lalo]'' Excuse me. I'm so sorry, but Hector seems a little upset.
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. Um, I'm just– I'm sharing a bit of family news, some good, some bad. Would you mind putting him back on? It will only be a minute.
:'''Nurse:''' Of course.
:''[The nurse again holds the phone to Hector's ear.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' What is it? Do you have another idea? 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' Okay, let's see. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, Ñ, O, P–
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' P? That's right?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Okay. What's next? A, B, C, D...
:''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings twice.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ...L, M, N, Ñ...
:''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings once.]''
:'''Lalo:''' U? ''Prueba?'' 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Is that what you're saying? Proof?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' Uncle, I don't have any proof. For months I was in the north watching him, following his men. There was nothing.
:''[Lalo has a flash of realization.]''
:'''Lalo:''' Wait... There is proof. I know where to find it. Goodbye, Uncle. You will see me soon.

=== ''[[w:Carrot and Stick|Carrot and Stick]]'' [6.02] ===
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;I was a hard worker. I was a company man. Twenty years, and I didn't miss a single day. They even gave me a plaque for it. ''[sighs]'' It was a gold plaque. Perfect attendance... But when they handed it to me, I wrenched my back. I was in so much pain, I couldn't do my job... ''[sighs again]'' which meant I couldn't put food on the table. I didn't want to sue... but with a family to support, what choice did I have?&quot;
:'''Kim''': Wait, who are you supposed to be again?
:'''Jimmy''': Whatever. The backstory is just a placeholder. I'm gonna polish the script once we cast.
:'''Kim''': But a personal injury suit? Best case scenario, that gets him in with an associate.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[throws hands up]'' Mesothelioma. ''[clears his throat]'' &quot;When I took that job down at the shoe factory, I had no idea I was risking my life. Now, I can't stop coughin'!&quot; Right? Come on! Hey, a mesothelioma class-action built Clifford Main his vacation house. He hears &quot;mesothelioma,&quot; his eyes pop!
:'''Kim''': Well, sure. But then he takes the case. What happens when he asks for a medical evaluation? And how does Howard come up?
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, ask me why I'm here.
:'''Kim''': What brings you to Davis &amp; Main today?
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;I'm sick. I'm really sick...&quot;
:'''Kim''': Good.
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;...and it's not mesothelioma, but it's not good. And I need a lawyer, and the pickings are slim. I already went to HHM. I met with their top guy, Howard Hamlin, and uh... Uhhh, I–I got a brother-in-law and he's got a pretty nasty coke habit, very similar energy. Just put me off. Anyway, I need a lawyer, blah-blah-blah.&quot;
:'''Kim''': Okay, but you got a bad feeling from just one meeting?
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, I had the brother-in-law with the coke.
:'''Kim''': Yeah, but you were only in the room with him once.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, so it's gotta be something with a history with Howard.
:'''Kim''': Yeah.
:'''Jimmy''': But Cliff has to want to take the meeting, but not the case.
:'''Kim''': Right. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[sighs]'' It's gotta be good, but not too good.
:'''Kim''': Exactly. There's a sweet spot, you know. Like a magnet. We–we pull Cliff in, and then repel him. ''[beat]'' Oh!
:'''Jimmy''': What?
:'''Kim''': ''[sighs]'' You are going to ''hate'' this...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy tracks down the Kettlemans to their shady tax preparation office and tries to rope them into his and Kim's plan to ruin Howard]'' 
:'''Betsy''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've got some nerve coming here after what you did! ''[shoves Jimmy]'' ''Leave!'' Because of you, we lost ''everything!'' Our kids are in public school! So why don't you go crawl back under whatever slime-covered rock you came from and leave us the heck alone?! 
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, I sense some anger here, but that's–that's perfectly understandable. Since you brought it up, I came here today because I was curious if you two wanted your lives back. There's actually a legal term for it: Exoneration. 
:'''Craig''': Oh. You know, we actually did look into that.
:'''Betsy''': Yep.
:'''Craig''': We went to a number of lawyers, and—
:'''Betsy''': ''Real'' lawyers.
:'''Craig''': Yes. They were all terrific, but they said that it was impossible.
:'''Betsy''': ''Mm-hmm''.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, but those lawyers don't know what I know.
:'''Craig''': What's that?
:'''Betsy''': No, Craig. He's got an angle.
:'''Jimmy''': I ''do'' have an angle, Craig. It's an angle called justice. ''[Betsy scoffs and snickers]'' Let me put it this way: I think that within Craig's case, I have found the grounds for a civil suit. A big one. ''[pause; quietly]'' Big. 
:'''Betsy''': ''[long pause; looks at Craig]'' Okay, then. Let's hear it.
:'''Jimmy''': Let's hold your horses, because we've been down this road before. [[w:Uno (Better Call Saul)|And the last time I gave you two advice, you went straight to the competition with it.]] ''[pulls out a piece of paper from inside his suit]'' So, I just need some assurances that all my hard work isn't gonna end up in the hands of, uh, Clifford Main or some other asshole at some pretentious high-pay, white-shoe law firm. So before we talk turkey, letters of engagement. 
:'''Craig''': Yes.
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, you remember these. I made some updates, just closed a few loopholes and whatnot. So... ''[holds out paper and pen]''
:'''Betsy''': ''[stops Craig from taking the pen]'' We're not signing anything.
:'''Jimmy''': You have to sign if you want to know what I know. 
:'''Betsy''': ''We're not signing.''
:'''Jimmy''': Really? You're sure?
:'''Betsy''': Yep.
:'''Jimmy''': Craig?
:'''Craig''': ''[looks at Betsy before shaking his head]'' Thanks anyway.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[unclicks pen]'' Alright. Well, uh... Sorry we couldn't work something out.
:'''Betsy''': I'm sure you are.
:''[Jimmy overhears Betsy and Craig arguing as he walks around the trailer. He balls the pen in his fist]''
:'''Craig''': Mr. Goodman!
:'''Jimmy''': ''[smiles; clicks pen and takes out letter]'' Best decision you've ever made. ''[turns his back to Craig for him to sign the letter]'' Here you go.
:'''Betsy''': ''[after Craig signs the letter]'' So what do you know?
:'''Jimmy''': You got one, too, Betsy. ''[holds out another letter]''
:''[Betsy snatches the pen and paper from Jimmy and signs the letter while pressing the pen hard on Jimmy's back]'' 
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, come on. That's not... ''Ow''. All right. Well, we're officially in business. Now, I have it on good authority here that Craig was not given proper counsel. 
:'''Betsy''': We already knew that.
:'''Jimmy''': But did you ask yourselves why?
:'''Craig''': No. Why?
:'''Jimmy''': What if I told you that in your hour of need, the person who was supposed to be on your side was impaired?
:'''Craig''': Impaired?
:'''Jimmy''': It's a... a person of substance. ''[as Betsy and Craig talk to each other quietly]'' Substance in question being a certain illegal white powder.
:'''Betsy''': That awful woman with the ponytail is a cocaine addict.
:'''Jimmy''': No, not Kim Wexler! No! Craig's lead attorney, Howard Hamlin! 
:'''Craig''': Oh. I thought he was so... professional and energetic. Upbeat. 
:'''Betsy''': Oh...
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;Oh,&quot; is right.
:'''Craig''': So upbeat is bad?
:'''Jimmy''': In this case, it's textbook malpractice. The magic phrase is, &quot;ineffective assistance of counsel.&quot; If your guy wasn't nose deep in the devil's dandruff, well, Craig's case would've turned out completely different.
:'''Craig''': Oh, my God! 
:'''Betsy''': Don't we need some kind of proof?
:'''Jimmy''': All the dirty laundry comes out in discovery. It’s just trips to rehab, secret drug deals. All we gotta do is get the ball rolling. So, I say we get started on your affidavits. 
:'''Craig''': Yes.
:'''Betsy''': About that. We happen to know a thing or two about our rights, Mr. McGill. And it doesn’t matter what you force us to sign. We don’t have to work with any lawyer we don’t want. ''[gets in Jimmy's face]'' And that means... you’re fired. 
:'''Jimmy''': I am not fired.
:'''Betsy''': Oh yes, you are!
:'''Jimmy''': No! No!
:'''Craig''': He’s fired?
:'''Betsy''': Craig! 
:'''Jimmy''': No, you can’t fire me! I found this case, it’s mine! Hey, you wanna hear about rights?! The second you say where you got this information from, guess who automatically gets a cut?! ''Me! So go ahead! Go ahead, see what happens!''
:''[Jimmy pretends to be upset after the Kettlemans leave, but slowly starts smiling as he walks away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gus and Juan Bolsa visit Hector at Casa Tranquila to send their condolences, still believing that Lalo is dead. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Bolsa''': He wishes to make amends. At least hear him out.
:'''Gus''': Don Hector. It's no secret that I did not see eye to eye with your nephew. And while the friction between your family and myself did not start with him, today I am reminded we are all Eladio's men. No matter our disagreements, a strike against one is a strike against all. I hope you will accept my condolences and my support as you navigate this terrible loss.
:'''Bolsa''': Gustavo speaks the truth. In this matter, he and I both stand shoulder to shoulder behind the Salamanca family. We are still looking for the traitor, Ignacio Varga. ''[places hand on Hector's shoulder]'' We will find him. And then your family will have justice.
:''[Hector slowly reaches his hand out to Gus. As Gus holds his hand, he notices a change of expression on Hector's face and stares at him. Cut to outside the nursing home.]'' 
:'''Bolsa''': ''[to Gus in English]'' We'll be in touch.
:''[Gus calls Mike on his cell phone after Bolsa drives away]''
:'''Mike''': What did you learn?
:'''Gus''': Lalo Salamanca lives.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy gets a call from Betsy Kettleman after she finds out there was no case against Howard]''
:'''Jimmy''': Saul Goodman, speedy justice for you. Oh, wait! Okay, just take a breath, and then we can... Okay, okay. I can tell you're upset. Just... I–I never advised that. No. ''[sighs]'' No, I did not, so let's agree to disagree. ''[pause]'' Okay, I think you're going to want to meet in person before you do anything rash. So how about–how about we meet up, and we can hash this out. ''[pause]'' Yeah, sure! Tomorrow, first thing. Uh, 9 A.M, I can come to your office. That work? ...Okay, okay! Good! ''[hangs up]'' 
:'''Kim''': I'm surprised it took them this long. You, uh... You're gonna use the stick, right? 
:'''Jimmy''': The stick? Well, it's a big stick. But I know these people, they're more carrot types. Especially her. ''[takes out cash and puts the bills in his suit pocket]'' Spoonful of sugar, you know?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' I think maybe I'll come, too.
:'''Jimmy''': Tomorrow? Really?
:'''Kim''': Sure. I have time.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tyrus''': They found the truck, but no sign of Varga. Salamancas have all eyes looking for him, including the federales. Still not picking up his cell, so nobody got a lock on it. Now as for Lalo, still missing. As far as everybody in the cartel is concerned, top to bottom, Lalo is dead.
:'''Mike''': May I offer a thought? ''[pause; to Gus]'' If Salamanca was coming straight for you, he'd be here already. We've got guys watching anywhere he might turn up this side of Mexico. Wire taps on any phone he might call. There is not a whiff of him. Now, my guess is he's smart enough to know it's not in the Salamanca family interest to take you out without a reason the bosses can get behind. So, the odds are he's searching for Varga. Finds him alive, gets him to talk. ''[pause; Gus remains silent]'' Varga's alone in foreign territory, no one he can trust. The kid's smart, but he's not gonna last. ''[Gus stands up]'' He's gonna get caught.
:''[Gus accidentally knocks a glass over and kneels down to pick up the shards from the floor]''
:'''Gus''': Continue.
:'''Mike''': The best way to handle this: I take four of our best guys, cross the border and track Varga down. Let me find him, bring him back before the Salamancas sweep him up. It's our only play.
:''[After cleaning up the broken glass, Gus throws it away and looks out a nearby window]''
:'''Gus''': ''[beat; in Spanish]'' Varga's father. Bring him here.
:'''Mike''': No. You're not doing that. ''[locks the door after Tyrus gets his gun out]'' You don't understand. That's not happening. 
:'''Tyrus''': ''[walks up to Mike and aims gun at him]'' Just say the word.
:'''Mike''': Whatever happens next... it's not gonna go down the way you think it is.
:''[Mike stares at Tyrus, who cocks his gun and waits for Mike to make a move.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[beat; hears cell phone vibrating]'' It's him.
:'''Tyrus''': Bullshit. I've been calling Varga for hours. He hasn't picked up once. 
:'''Mike''': He's been trying to get me since he left the Salamancas. ''[opens phone]'' You want me to answer it?
:''[Tyrus turns to Gus, who nods. Mike answers the phone and speaks to Nacho]''
:'''Mike''': Yeah. ''[pause]'' Yeah. ...Not my call. ''[pause]'' That's up to you. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Betsy:''' You used us &amp;ndash; us and our good name &amp;ndash; to character-assassinate Howard Hamlin. Somehow, some way, it benefits you to tear him down.
:'''Craig:''' Yeah. And we're&amp;ndash;we're mad.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, yeah. I'm hearing a lot of unfounded accusations being tossed around. I don't know anything about schemes or character assassination or whatnot, but... ''[clears throat]'' if you're feeling slighted, we can make it right. ''[Jimmy hands Betsy a bundle of cash]''
:'''Betsy:''' Money? ''[scoffs]'' Money's not gonna take care of this.
:'''Jimmy:''' Money takes care of everything. Isn't that the motto stitched onto the Kettleman family crest?
:'''Betsy:''' We don't want money. 
:'''Jimmy:''' I am non-plussed. I'm guessing you want something.
:'''Betsy:''' Do what you promised.
:'''Jimmy:''' Do what I what?
:'''Betsy:''' Exonerate Craig. Get his good name back. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright. Well, as you've been advised, for a number of reasons that's not gonna happen.
:'''Betsy:''' It ''is'' gonna happen. It is. It's... You're just gonna have to figure out a way.
:'''Craig:''' If anyone can do this, it's you.
:'''Betsy:''' I know you don't want us going to Howard Hamlin. Because whatever it is you're up to, I'm sure he would be ''very'' interested.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, let's just go easy on the threats.
:'''Betsy:''' We want our lives back! The way they were before. ''Before.'' We lost everything! And we don't deserve any of this.
:'''Kim:''' Okay. Enough carrot. ''[clears throat]''
:''[Kim turns to the home phone next to her and begins to dial]''
:'''Craig:''' Dial 9 to get out.
:'''Kim:''' Oh, thank you.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering; to Craig]'' We didn't give her permission to use the phone.
:'''Craig:''' ''[whispering; to Betsy]'' She needs to use the phone.
:'''Jimmy:''' Kim... ?
:''[The line connects; Kim speaks through the phone's speaker]''
:'''Receptionist:''' Internal Revenue Service, Albuquerque.
:'''Kim:''' Hi. Could you put me through to Justin Stangel in Criminal Investigations? 
:'''Receptionist:''' One moment, please.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[to Kim]'' What are you doing? Excuse me!
:'''Justin:''' This is Justin.
:'''Kim:''' Justin, Kim Wexler. How are you?
:'''Justin:''' Hey, Kim. Good to hear from you.
:'''Kim:''' How are Noreen and the boys?
:'''Justin:''' Oh, hanging in. Noreen always talks about having you by for dinner some time.
:'''Kim:''' We should do that. Tell her to call me. Listen, I was wondering who your CID officer is these days.
:'''Justin:''' You have something for us?
:'''Kim:''' Oh, I just might: Tax preparer fraud. A lot of it.
:'''Justin:''' I'm listening.
:'''Kim:''' Well, it's this, uh, run-down little mom-and-pop outfit I've had my eye on for a while. ''[chuckles]'' Don't ask me why. Clearly, I need to get a life. But from what I can glean, their clients always end up with smaller refunds than they deserve.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering]'' Please don't do this.
:'''Justin:''' Do the clients sign over third-party authorization?
:'''Kim:''' Bingo. So what I'm thinking is, these creeps file legit returns with you guys, give the clients fake ones that show about half the proper amount, and then pocket the difference. 
:'''Justin:''' Classic scam. Well, I know just the guy to go after these dirtbags. Tony Oropallo. Real bulldog. I'll transfer you over.
:'''Kim:''' Such a big help, Justin.
:'''Justin:''' You got it. Talk soon.
:'''Betsy:''' You don't have to do this.
:'''Kim:''' ''[to Betsy]'' Don't I? Betsy... You'll probably get twenty-four months, maybe eighteen with good behavior. But Craig? You are a two-time loser. They will definitely make an example out of you. Each false return they discover will be a separate felony. What are we talking? A hundred?
:'''Betsy:''' Uh...
:'''Kim:''' Two-hundred? 
:'''Tony:''' ''[beat]'' CID, Anthony Oropallo speaking.
:''[Betsy runs to the phone and slams down the receiver to end the call]''
:'''Betsy:''' Please. We'll do anything. Just tell us.
:'''Kim:''' ''[beat]'' Why would I believe ''you?'' Huh?
:'''Craig:''' Please. 
:'''Kim:''' ''[long pause]'' First. First, you contact every person you've ripped off. Tell them you made an accounting error, tell them you're crooks who had a change of heart, I don't care. Give them what they are legally owed. Everything you stole. And then after that, you're going to forget you ever heard the name Howard Hamlin. I'm keeping my eye on both of you. You think you've lost everything? ''You have no idea.''
:''[Kim leaves the room with Jimmy while the Kettlemans stand shellshocked, on the verge of tears]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy:''' [[w:Inflatable (Better Call Saul)|Wolves and sheep]].
:'''Kim:''' Huh?
:'''Jimmy:''' ...Nothing.

=== ''[[w:Rock and Hard Place|Rock and Hard Place]]'' [6.03] ===
:''[Nacho calls his father from an auto shop while on the run]''
:'''Manuel''': A-to-Z Fine Upholstery. Hello?
:'''Nacho''': Dad. It's me.
:'''Manuel''': Nacho?
:'''Nacho''': ''Si'', Papa. ''Hola''.
:'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' ''Hola, hijo.'' ''[in Spanish]'' How are you?
:'''Nacho''': ''[in Spanish]'' Good, good. Um... just wanted to hear your voice.
:'''Manuel''': Nacho, where are you? You sound strange.
:''[pause]''
:'''Nacho''': It's not important.... I was just checking in, that's all.
:'''Manuel''': Okay. ''Hijo'', I have lots of work to do. We've been through this, so many times. You know what you have to do... go to the police.
:'''Nacho''': Yes, Papa. I understand... I hear you.
:''[pause]''
:'''Manuel''': What else is there to say? Hmm? Goodbye, ''hijo''.
:'''Nacho''': ''[choked up]'' Goodbye, Papa.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Nacho calls Mike at an auto repair shop in Mexico while on the run from the Salamancas]''
:'''Mike''': Yeah.
:'''Nacho''': It's me.
:'''Mike''': Yeah.
:'''Nacho''': You knew. You knew that I was going to Mexico to die, that I was never supposed to make it out of that motel. And you let it happen.
:'''Mike''': Not my call.
:'''Nacho''': What happens now?
:'''Mike''': That's up to you. 
:'''Nacho''': Is that bastard with you? Put him on.
:'''Mike''': Hmm. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you.
:'''Gus''': ''[takes cell phone from Mike; to Nacho]'' Yes.
:'''Nacho''': You are screwed. ''[pause]'' You want the cartel to blame me for Lalo. But if they catch me, and make me talk? ''Ooh...'' That is not good for you, is it? Even if I disappear, everyone's gonna smell your stink all over it. The only way that this works for you is with me dead. ''[beat]'' Alright. Whatever bullshit way you want the story to go, I will make it go. But... I need one thing. 
:'''Gus''': Yes?
:'''Nacho''': My dad. I need to know that he will be safe.
:'''Gus''': If you are true to your word, there will be no reason for anyone to harm your father.
:'''Nacho''': ''You'' are not the one that I need to hear it from.
:''[Gus puts the phone on speaker so Mike can speak to Nacho]''
:'''Mike''': Your dad's gonna be okay.
:'''Nacho''': How do you know?
:'''Mike''': Because anyone who goes after him is gonna have to come through me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Huell sit in a car; Jimmy pays Huell for duplicating the keys to Howard's Jaguar]''
:'''Huell:''' Can I ask you sum'n?
:'''Jimmy:''' Sure, go ahead.
:'''Huell:''' Personal, kind of.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay. What?
:'''Huell:''' You're a lawyer. You make good money, right?
:'''Jimmy:''' Good days and bad, but yeah.
:'''Huell:''' Legit money, on the level.
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah, so?
:'''Huell:''' Your wife's a lawyer. A legit lawyer.
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah.
:'''Huell:''' Why you do all this? 
:'''Jimmy:''' Oh, I got you. I&amp;ndash;I know from the outside that this looks like just another scam, but you're not seeing the bigger picture. Couple months from now, there are people whose lives are gonna be way better. Because of this. We're making a real difference. Trust me. We're doing the Lord's work here. 
:'''Huell:''' ''Hmph''. If you say so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': What's going on?
:'''Kim''': I have news, Jimmy. Lalo is dead.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[exhales deeply]'' Holy shit. 
:'''Kim''': The DA's office put it together that Lalo was calling himself De Guzman. They are pretty upset they let him go.
:'''Jimmy''': I'll bet they are.
:'''Kim''': Ericsen seems to think that if Lalo lied to you and you didn't know about the pseudonym, that you could break confidentiality. She wants you to talk. She says it's right.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, what do you think we should do?
:'''Kim''': You... should do whatever you want, Jimmy. They don't have anything on you. It's just a fishing expedition to see if you bite.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' You think I should do it?
:'''Kim''': It depends.  
:'''Jimmy''': On what?
:'''Kim''': Well... ''[sighs]'' I guess it's basically... Do you want to be a friend of the cartel or... do you want to be a rat?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Nacho is driven to a remote location with Gus, Tyrus and Victor. There they meet Juan Bolsa, Hector Salamanca, and the Cousins. Bolsa kneels next to Nacho.]''
:'''Bolsa:''' Today, you are going to die. But there are good deaths, and there are bad deaths. Tell me what I need to know, I'll see that your death is a good one. Who put you up to this?
:''[Nacho glances at Gus, as if he's about to turn on him]''
:'''Bolsa:''' One last chance. ''Who?'' ''[long pause; scoffs and gets up to leave]''
:'''Nacho:''' It was Alvarez. Los Odios, out of Peru. They paid me to set up your nephew. And I did.
:''[Hector furiously rings his bell and attempts to point to Gus, who he knows is the real culprit]''
:'''Bolsa:''' Alvarez, we know. Los Odios, we know. Was anyone else involved?
:'''Nacho:''' ''[scoffs; nods to Gus]'' Him? You think the chicken man? ''Heh.'' What a joke. Alvarez has been paying me for years &amp;ndash; ''years''. ''[to the Salamancas]'' But you know what? I would have done it for free. Because I hate every last one of you psycho sacks of shit. I opened Lalo's gate, and I would do it again. And I'm glad what they did to him. He's a soulless pig, and I wished I'd killed him with my own hands. And you know what else, Hector? I put you in that chair. Oh, yeah. Your heart meds? I switched them for sugar pills. You were dead and buried, and I had to watch ''this'' asshole... ''[gestures to Gus]'' ...bring you back. So when you are sitting in your shitty nursing home and you're sucking down on your Jell-O night after night for the rest of your life, ''you think of '''me,''' you twisted fuck.''

=== ''[[w:Hit and Run (Better Call Saul)|Hit and Run]]'' [6.04] ===
:'''Jimmy:''' What kind of asshole moves a cone?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': So, I pull the Jag into the loading zone. And I start scrappin' with this hunk of metal. It was in deep—like, &quot;down a well&quot; deep—so I just... wrassled it! UGH! ''[Kim laughs hysterically]'' Like a freakin' bear, and I jam it in the dirt in front of the Jag! Boom! Barely made it out of there with the skin of my teeth. ''Who moves cones?'' Who does that?
:'''Kim''': Narcissists.
:'''Jimmy''': Heh, you're damn right. So you think Cliff really bought it, huh?
:'''Kim''': One hundred percent! You should've seen his face. It landed, trust me. God, it was... beautiful. ''[pause]'' Oh, and that is not all. 
:'''Jimmy''': Spill.
:'''Kim''': So... I'm doing the stall. I'm telling Cliff what I'm doing—what I wanna be doing. All I'm thinking is, I gotta stretch this out until you get there, but then... I don't know. I... kinda got caught up in it, and then... Cliff went for it. I mean, like, ''really'' went for it.
:'''Jimmy''': What does that mean? Like, money?
:'''Kim''': I don't think he'll write a check himself, but he knows people. And I think he'll deliver.
:'''Jimmy''': You're kidding! 
:'''Kim''': I know! How great is that?
:'''Jimmy''': This is unbelievable. ''[Kim laughs]'' Are we on a roll, or are we on a roll? Jeez! 
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' You ever feel like you're being followed? ''[pause]'' When I dropped Wendy off at the motel, she thought she was being watched by some undercover cops. But then when I drove away... that same car was behind ''me.'' Right after I spotted them, they disappeared.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, you know what they say: The wicked flee where no man pursueth. 
:'''Kim''': ...You think we're wicked?
:'''Jimmy''': No. What? ''[chuckles]'' It's just a turn of phrase. I think you're wicked hot. ''[pause]'' Alright. Listen to the voice of experience, okay? You know why you're feeling like this? Because we got away with it. It seems too good to be true, but trust me. Nobody is following you. ''[takes Kim's hand]'' No one knows what we're doing except for us. Okay?
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy confronts Bill Oakley at the courthouse when he notices his colleagues' cold treatment of him]''
:'''Jimmy''': What the hell is going on?! How come everyone's treating me like I'm covered in oozing pus sores?
:'''Bill''': I liked you better when you were just a regular bottom feeder. But this?
:'''Jimmy''': This? What is, &quot;this?&quot;
:'''Bill''': I understand advocating for your client. Deep in my heart, I get it. But you scammed the court. You scammed the judge, and for what? To get a murdering cartel psychopath back out on the street? It's just... wrong.
:'''Jimmy''': That's a lot of big talk, Bill. Prove it. Prove it, Bill!
:'''Bill''': There's proving, and then there's knowing. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': They're gone.
:'''Kim''': I'm sorry?
:'''Mike''': The two men that were following you. They're gone.
:'''Kim''': Do I know you?
:'''Mike''': Would you mind sitting for a moment, and I will answer any questions I can. ''[pause; Kim sits down next to Mike]'' I have men watching you and your husband. I'm not with the police, and as far as I know, they're not investigating either of you. I ''do'' know that you've been up to a few things that you probably would rather keep private. I don't care. That's not what this is about. I'm trying to solve a problem of my own. 
:'''Kim''': What problem?
:'''Mike''': Lalo Salamanca.
:'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca's dead. ''[beat; Mike says nothing and stares at Kim]'' He... isn't.
:'''Mike''': We're watching anyone he might contact. That includes you and your husband. Most likely, he'll never reach out. He's got bigger fish to fry. But in the thousand to one chance that he does...
:'''Kim''': And who do you work for?
:'''Mike''': I said I would answer anything I can. 
:'''Kim''': ''[long pause]'' [[w:Bagman (Better Call Saul)|You're the guy from the desert]]. The one who was out there with Jimmy. Why are you telling me this and not him?
:'''Mike''': Because I think you're made of sterner stuff. ''[pause; gets up]'' Alright. Now here's what's best for everyone. You spot my guys again—which I'm hoping you won't—let them go about their business. Just pretend they're not there. And pretty soon, they won't be. You and your husband just... go on living your lives. ''[starts to leave]''
:'''Kim''': I do know you. You worked in the parking booth at the courthouse. ''[pause]'' You were the attendant.
:'''Mike''': ...I was.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kim meets Jimmy at a strip mall where an office space is available for lease]''
:'''Kim''': What are we doing here?
:'''Jimmy''': Take a look. What do you think?
:'''Kim''': About what?
:'''Jimmy''': My new office. Potentially. Come on.
:''[They both peer through the storefront windows of the office, which is empty except for a lone toilet]''
:'''Kim''': Huh.
:'''Jimmy''': Mrs. Nguyen kicked me to the curb.
:'''Kim''': What? Why?
:'''Jimmy''': It's a long story, but upshot is she wants me out of there with extreme prejudice.
:'''Kim''': Wow. Bad day, huh?
:'''Jimmy''': Well, no. It was a... great day. With actual paying clients. The word is out! People were throwing cash retainers at me just to say Saul Goodman is their lawyer.
:'''Kim''': Because of who you represented.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, I mean, that's part of it. But the bottom line is I need a new place for new business pronto. Now, this place is a shithole, but the price is right. And I think I can talk the landlord into a month-to-month. So, it's temporary until I find something better. ''[sighs; pause]'' Hey. What do you think?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' It's small. It's... dirty. And this whole place smells funny. ''[pause]'' But the courthouse is five blocks away. You can't get to MDC without driving past. Parking is good, bail bond row isn't far, and uh... Taco Cabeza is just around the corner. Might be a diamond in the rough. Just promise me... you won't move the toilet.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' There it is. Alright. Uh... speaking of Taco Cabeza.
:'''Kim''': I'm starving. Let's do it.

=== ''[[w:Black and Blue (Better Call Saul)|Black and Blue]]'' [6.05] ===
:''[Cliff informs Howard about witnessing Jimmy throw Wendy out of Howard's car]''
:'''Howard:''' I threw a woman out of my car? In the middle of the street? And I&amp;ndash;''zip''&amp;ndash;I just drive right past you? I... That's what you're saying? I-I-I don't even... I don't know how to respond to that.
:'''Cliff:''' I'm not asking you to respond. I just need you to know that ''I'' know. 
:'''Howard:''' It wasn't me, Cliff. Whoever you think you saw&amp;ndash;
:'''Cliff:''' Yeah, sorry, but that's the kind of thing my son used to say. It was your Jaguar, your &quot;Namaste&quot; plate. It was you! Howard, there's no harm in asking for help. You got a lot of people in your corner.
:'''Howard:''' So there's the-the baggie at the county club.
:'''Cliff:''' Yes.
:'''Howard:''' After that, some clients&amp;ndash;who you can't name because of privilege&amp;ndash;make insinuations. Then on Thursday, you have a business meeting and you witness a Jaguar speeding past. ''[beat]'' Who were you meeting with?
:'''Cliff:''' Not sure why that's germaine, but... Kim Wexler. She came to me for career advice.
:''[Howard's face becomes awash with realization]''
:'''Howard:''' ''Mmm.'' All right. ''[pause]'' Okay. ''[takes out his cell phone]'' Of course. ''[scoffs]'' Of course. ''[to Cliff]'' Cliff, I know this wasn't easy for you. You came to me as a friend. I appreciate it.
:'''Cliff:''' You can start today, Howard.
:'''Howard:''' Oh, I will. Because you're right, I ''do'' have a problem. Just not the problem you think. I have a Jimmy McGill problem.
:'''Cliff:''' Jimmy McGill?!
:'''Howard:''' You'll have to excuse me.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard!
:'''Howard:''' ''[to his secretary on the phone]'' Julie. Cancel my week. Yes, my whole week. 
:'''Cliff:''' Howard!
:''[Howard climbs into his Jaguar and drives away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy walks into a boxing club and sees Howard, who pretended to be a potential client named &quot;Mr. Ward&quot;]''
:'''Howard''': Hello, Jimmy.
:'''Jimmy''': Mr. Ward, I presume. As in... H.O. Ward. That is really cute, Howard. So, wait. That means that you're the guy who shanked some dude in a rumble near Central Pen. ''[sighs]'' That's—that's very street of you. 
:'''Howard''': I thought it sounded like a Saul Goodman kind of case.
:'''Jimmy''': ...Alright, so what are we doing here? 
:'''Howard''': I'm tired, Jimmy. You and me, us. I'm tired of this. Aren't you? It's exhausting. ''[points at boxing ring behind him]'' Let's punch it out.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' Are you kidding?
:'''Howard''': Dead serious. Hoping you might get it out of your system. Do I think it'll work? ''[shrugs]'' I don't know. Call it a Hail Mary. I have the gear, I rented the ring. It's just you and me... ''[points at the man standing behind Jimmy]'' and Macky to ref. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' I am sorry, but have you lost your mind?
:'''Howard''': Actually, I'm as clear-headed as I've ever been in my life. You didn't even try to hide your tracks. The baggie of drugs at the country club, the clients you sent to discredit me, ''another'' prostitute.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, once again as usual, I—
:'''Howard''': Please. I could go on. All roads lead back to you. It's Psych 101. You want to get caught. 
:'''Jimmy''': So what? Is this like pistols at dawn?
:'''Howard''': I'm trying to give you what you want. 
:'''Jimmy''': What I want? I don't... I think this is what ''you'' want. You wanna beat the shit out of me? Legally? 
:'''Howard''': I think you can hold up your end. You must've gotten into a few good scrapes in your old neighborhood. 
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, right. I could've been a contender. 
:'''Howard''': Indulge me. Let's see what we see. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause; smiles]'' Thanks for the laughs. ''[chuckles]'' &quot;Mr. Ward.&quot; 
:''[Jimmy laughs and starts to walk out, but stops. He and Howard are seen suited up with boxing gloves as they begin their fight. They both land a few punches on each other, but Howard eventually knocks Jimmy down]'' 
:'''Howard''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've mistaken my kindness for weakness. I like to think that tonight made a difference. I like to think that this ends it. ''[pause; shakes his head]'' Probably not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': I should've left Howard standing there like a yutz. Instead I let him suck me into his game. Why did I do that?
:'''Kim''': You had your reasons. 
:'''Jimmy''': I did? Like what?
:'''Kim''': Because... you know. 
:'''Jimmy''': I know...?
:'''Kim''': ''[holds Jimmy's hand]'' You know what's coming next.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo has travelled to Germany using an alias, and meets Margarethe, Werner's widow, at a bar]''
:'''Margarethe''': I knew his work was dangerous. I never imagined such a thing, but... I suppose I try not to. 
:'''Lalo''': That is terrible. What kind of accident was it?
:'''Margarethe''': A cave-in.
:'''Lalo''': Cave-in?
:'''Margarethe''': He was able to save his men. He got them out, but then... the structure collapsed.
:'''Lalo''': So your husband was a hero.
:'''Margarethe''': ''[smiles]'' He would never accept that. My Werner was too humble.
:'''Lalo''': ...And what were they building there?
:'''Margarethe''': My husband didn't talk much about his work. It was very secretive. 
:'''Lalo''': Oh... I'm sure he must have told you something. 
:'''Margarethe''': The lawyers came to my house. I asked questions, they wouldn't say much.
:'''Lalo''': ''[shakes his head]'' Lawyers.
:'''Margarethe''': They went through Werner's things. Took anything that they called, uh... Oh, how do you say it? ''[pause]'' Proprietary? I'm sorry, my English is—
:'''Lalo''': Oh, it's excellent. 
:'''Margarethe''': I didn't care about it. All the boxes of folders, his papers. Why do I need all that stuff?
:'''Lalo''': And what about your husband's men? I mean, they must have said something to you.
:'''Margarethe''': Werner loved ''deine jungs''—his boys—but I never even met them. 
:'''Lalo''': What do you mean? Not even at the funeral?
:'''Margarethe''': You'd think they would want to pay respect to the man who saved their lives. They sent flowers, keepsakes, and so on... but not one of them showed his face. 
:'''Lalo''': Wow. That is... ''[sighs]'' It's just not right.

=== ''[[w:Axe and Grind | Axe and Grind]]'' [6.06] ===
:''[Casper, one of Werner's former workers, spots Lalo approaching his home while chopping wood]''
:'''Lalo''': ''Guten tag!''
:'''Casper''': ''Guten tag.'' ''[in German]'' This is private property. Who are you looking for? Are you lost?
:'''Lalo''': ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. I don't speak any German!
:'''Casper''': ''[in English]'' Are you lost?
:'''Lalo''': It's a beautiful place you have here. The air, it's just so... ''fresh!''
:'''Casper''': ...Do I know you?
:'''Lalo''': Well, I don't think we've ''officially'' met-
:''[Casper grabs his axe and runs inside a nearby wooden shed while Lalo draws his gun. Lalo searches when he's suddenly dropped by a blow from Casper]''
:'''Casper''': Who are you?! '''''Who are you?!'''''
:'''Lalo''': ''[strained]'' Ed-Eduardo... Salamanca! I'm not here for you... This is about Fring. Guh- I want to know... I want to know what he's building.
:'''Casper''': How did you find me?
:'''Lalo''': Ma- Marga... M-Margarethe Z-Ziegler.
:'''Casper''': What have you done to her?!
:'''Lalo''': Nothing, nothing. You sent her a gi- a gift. ''[pulls out a business card and shows it to Casper]''
:'''Casper''': ''Was ist das?''
:''[Lalo's hidden a razor blade behind the card. He springs up and cuts Casper's face, then grabs his axe and cuts his foot off]''
:'''Lalo''': ''[cheerfully] Carajo!'' I think you broke one of my ribs! ''[tosses Casper his belt]'' Here. Tie that off... before you bleed to death. ''You and I are gonna have a '''talk.'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Holy shit! The Jackson Mercer Foundation, that's like... the good housekeeping seal of approval.
:'''Kim''': Well, it's not a done deal. Some of the foundation board members are flying in next week to meet the lieutenant governor at a luncheon in Santa Fe, so... they are inviting a select group of people with... Cliff called them, &quot;up-and-coming organizations,&quot; and uh... Yeah. Cliff thinks I have a good shot. 
:'''Jimmy''': A good shot? You have more than a shot! They are gonna love you on sight!
:'''Kim''': The only thing is the lunch is on D-Day.
:'''Jimmy''': So, what? That's—You don't have to be there on the day! Was Eisenhower on Omaha Beach? No. Kim, this is great, right? It's ''huge!''
:'''Kim''': ...It is pretty great! ''[laughs]''
:'''Jimmy''': Kim, this is fantastic! ''[kisses Kim]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy has Francesca call HHM and pose as a relative of a Sandpiper resident to get details about the upcoming mediation]''
:'''Jimmy''': What is the hold up?
:'''Francesca''': I just... I don't know if I'm comfortable. Is this even legal?
:'''Jimmy''': I'm sorry, which one of us went to law school? Because I can stand here and go through the ins and outs of what's quote-unquote legal with you, but we're on the clock.
:'''Francesca''': I just don't—
:'''Jimmy''': Francesca, let's get something straight, okay? We can't be holding a graduate seminar in constitutional law every time I give you something to do.
:'''Francesca''': But I—I'm not sure if—
:'''Jimmy''': You know what I'm paying you? It is above market. To whom much is given, much is expected! ''[takes out cell phone and starts dialing a number]''
:'''Francesca''': We're not gonna make a habit of this?
:'''Jimmy''': Of course not! Absolutely not. No, no, no. ''[gives phone to Francesca]'' Put it on speaker and let me... ''[moves closer]''
:'''HHM Employee #1''': Hamlin Hamlin McGill.
:'''Francesca''': Hi... there. I'm calling because my—my mother is... is—Well, I guess she's a—a client of yours. She lives in, uh, Sandpiper Assisted Living.
:'''HHM Employee #1''': Sandpiper, of course. Let me transfer you.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Francesca while she's on hold]'' It's just a phone call. 
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Good afternoon. Do you have a question about the Sandpiper case?
:'''Francesca''': ''[waits for Jimmy to nod]'' Yes. My mother's out of the facility in Amarillo. Says she's supposed to call in to some meeting on Thursday?
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Yes, you're talking about the mediation?
:'''Francesca''': That's it. The thing is, she's lost her dial-in instructions. ''[sighs nervously]'' I'm just looking everywhere and can't find them.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': I'd be happy to help you with that. It's very important to us that all the class members are fully looked in. What's your mother's name?
:'''Francesca''': ''[Tells name mouthed by Jimmy]'' Uh, Marnie Stuber. ''[watches Jimmy form the letters as she spells aloud]'' That's–that's S-T-U-B-E-R. ''[sighs nervously again when Jimmy tries to cheer her up]'' Oh, bless your heart. She'll be so relieved!
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay, it's very simple. The meeting is happening at our offices. So she just has to call the main line—the same number you called just now—press 7, and then enter the passcode. I can give that to you now. Do you have a pen?
:'''Francesca''': Uh... ''[Jimmy quickly takes out a pen]'' Y–yeah, I'm ready.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay. It's 842159. ''[Jimmy writes the numbers on his hand]'' 
:'''Francesca''': 842159?
:'''HHM Employee #2''': That's right.
:'''Francesca''': Okay! Uh, thank you so much. Really appreciate it.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Of course, take care. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[hangs up immediately]'' Was that so hard?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy sees the real Rand Casimiro at a liquor store wearing a cast that was not shown in the fake photos he shot earlier. He bolts out of there and gets in his car before being seen by the judge.]''
:'''Jimmy''': FUCK! ''[bangs on steering wheel and chuckles nervously before dialing Kim on his cell phone]''
:''[Cut to Kim driving on the highway to Santa Fe.]'' 
:'''Kim''': &quot;Ultimately, it's about equal justice, a system that works for everyone. A justice system that works for everyone, and what is more important than that?&quot; ''[hears phone ringing and answers it]'' Hey, Jimmy.
:'''Jimmy''': Flag on the play! You're not gonna believe this, but I just ran into Casimiro—the real one.
:'''Kim''': Oh, God.
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, and before you ask, he didn't shave his mustache. ''He broke his arm.'' 
:'''Kim''': Are you serious?
:'''Jimmy''': The guy has a giant cast on his left arm! And I checked all the pictures and you can see his arm in every single one of them! No cast, clear as day! 
:'''Kim''': Shit! SHIT!
:'''Jimmy''': I KNOW! I '''KNOW!''' Uh... But, hey. Hey, hey, look at it this way: If I hadn't seen him... I mean, that would've really—that really could've sunk us. Right? So, we're gonna pull the plug and we are going to live to fight another day.
:'''Kim''': ...What other day? 
:'''Jimmy''': Well, we'll figure it out. I promise, okay? So, just go. Just do your thing in Santa Fe, and we'll regroup when you get home tonight. ''[beat; Kim says nothing]'' Kim? Kim, you still there? 
:'''Kim''': Yes.
:'''Jimmy''': Did you hear what I said?
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' It happens today. 
:''[Kim quickly turns around and starts driving back to Albuquerque.]''

=== ''[[w:Plan and Execution | Plan and Execution]]'' [6.07] ===
:''[An intern at HHM, Cary, drops soda cans when he sees Howard setting up the conference room for the Sandpiper mediation]''
:'''Cary''': Uh, excuse me, Mr. Hamlin! I-I was told I should restock the fridge before the meeting.
:'''Howard''': No worries. Here, let me give you a hand.
:'''Cary''': Thank you!
:'''Howard''': Uh, you're... Gary?
:'''Cary''': Cary! Anderson.
:'''Howard''': Mm... of course. Cary. ''[sees Cary stocking the fridge with the dropped cans]'' Cary, what happens when you drop or shake a can of soda?
:'''Cary''': ...Right. ''[mimes explosion]'' I'm sorry, I'm, uh...
:'''Howard''': Here, let me show you a little trick. ''[picks up and spins a soda can]'' Something about the centrifugal force pulls the bubbles from the inside of the can, stops it from exploding. Don't want our clients to get a surprise now, do we?
:'''Cary''': That works?
:''[Howard opens the can without incident and takes a sip]''
:'''Cary''': Alright!
:'''Howard''': You know who taught me that trick? ''[points at the picture of Chuck in the conference room]'' He used to do it. Had a habit - anytime he opened a can, almost unconsciously. I asked him about it once... just his way of being prepared for anything, accidental or otherwise. 
:'''Cary''': Um, I'm sorry, I'm... kinda new here. I- I have to ask, who is that?
:'''Howard''': Charles McGill. The &quot;M&quot; in HHM. Greatest legal mind I ever knew.
:'''Cary''': Wow! I hope someone says that about me someday.
:'''Howard''': Well... maybe there are more important things.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Howard, Cliff, and the rest of the parties in the Sandpiper mediation are in the HHM conference room; Rand Casimiro is seated at the head of the table; Jimmy and Kim listen in on the meeting through a disposable cell phone in Saul Goodman's office]''
:'''Rand Casimiro:''' Hello. I know we're all anxious to get things started but you'll have to suffer through my traditional spiel, unfortunately. My name is Rand Casimiro, and I am your mediator for these proceedings. Now, I'm happy to be here. But at the end, hopefully all of you in the room and those listening from various locations ''won't'' be happy with me. And why do I say that? Because the best solutions mean compromise. It's compromise from both sides. That's my goal. But as my wife always says, compromising doesn't mean I'm right and she's wrong. ''[chuckles]'' So, let us move forward—
:'''Howard:''' ''Hmph.''
:''[Everyone in the conference room turns to Howard]''
:'''Cliff:''' ...Howard?
:'''Howard:''' I-I'm... Wow. ''[pause]'' I'm... I'm sorry. I don't think we can proceed with these negotiations today.
:'''Rich:''' Why not?
:'''Howard:''' Well, let's just say, circumstances beyond any of our control.
:'''Rich:''' Well, I'm going to have to insist that you be more specific.
:'''Howard:''' Well, our mediator here keeps using the word &quot;compromise&quot; when ''he'', in fact, is compromised.
:'''Casimiro:''' I beg your pardon?
:'''Howard:''' I think you heard me.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...?
:'''Howard:''' You drive a silver Miata, correct? 
:'''Casimiro:''' I do.
:'''Howard:''' And this morning, around 7 a.m., you walked across Trumbull Park in town?
:'''Casimiro:''' No. 
:'''Howard:''' You didn't stop at the park this morning?
:'''Casimiro:''' I didn't. I got to Albuquerque early, not at 7 a.m. And I didn't go to a park.
:'''Howard:''' You sure?
:'''Cliff:''' Howard, if the judge says he's sure, then I&amp;ndash;
:'''Casimiro:''' Of course I'm sure! If it matters, I arrived in town about ten, I stopped at a gas station, I went by a liquor store and bought a gift. I had a lunch salad and a very nice latté from the Flying Star on Menaul. I read ''[[w:Barron's_(newspaper)|Barron's]]''. Then came here.
:'''Howard:''' ''Mmmm''. So you weren't in town to visit our mutual acquaintance, James Morgan McGill? Or maybe you know him as &quot;Saul Goodman&quot;. 
:'''Casimiro:''' I don't know anyone by either of those names.
:'''Howard:''' Okay. You want to go that way? ''[to his secretary]'' Julie, go to my desk, please. There's an envelope with photos. Bring it to me quickly.
:'''Julie:''' Oh. Okay. ''[leaves]''
:'''Cliff:''' Howard, can we have a sidebar&amp;ndash;?
:'''Casimiro:''' I'm sorry. These photos &amp;ndash; these are photos of me? 
:'''Howard:''' They show exactly what I'm describing.
:'''Casimiro:''' You were following me?
:'''Howard:''' I had a private investigator following Jimmy McGill. You were photographed receiving what I estimate to be a $20,000 payoff this morning in the park.
:'''Rich:''' I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is just&amp;ndash; ''[sighs; to Howard]'' You recommended this judge as a mediator and we agreed. And now... ''Jimmy?'' Jimmy McGill &amp;ndash; who originated this suit &amp;ndash; is ''what?'' 
:'''Howard:''' A-admittedly, it all sounds a bit baroque. But when you see the photos, things will be clearer.
:'''Casimiro:''' Well, I'm looking forward to that.
:''[long pause; Julie enters the room with the envelope]''
:'''Julie:''' I have the pictures, Mr. Hamlin. 
:'''Howard:''' Thank you, Julie. ''[opens the envelope]'' And now, take a look.
:''[Howard looks at the photos with Cliff, Schweikart, Casimiro, Irene and Julie looking behind him. Instead of an actor dressed as Casimiro as he had seen earlier, the photos show Jimmy sitting at a park bench exchanging a frisbee with the Sound Guy, dressed as a jogger]''
:'''Casimiro:''' ...Is that supposed to be ''me''?
:'''Howard:''' I, uh... This is... This is not... Julie, you got the wrong envelope.
:'''Julie:''' That was the only one on your desk.
:'''Howard:''' Look again!
:''[Julie leaves]''
:'''Howard:''' They-they've been switched. Somehow he switched them.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...
:'''Howard:''' No. Jimmy &amp;ndash; he snuck in somehow, and these are not the pictures I saw.
:''[Howard turns to Erin, who notices that his pupils are now dilated]''
:'''Erin:''' Mr. Hamlin, are you all right? Your eyes...
:'''Howard:''' ''[agitated]'' I am fine! This is all something that will be sorted out, I am confident!
:''[Cliff rises and guides Howard out of his seat]''
:'''Cliff:''' I think a recess is in order.
:'''Howard:''' Nobody move! Evidence has been tampered with!
:'''Cliff:''' Now Howard, please!
:''[Howard and Cliff leave the conference room. Everyone left behind is stunned silent]''
:'''Irene:''' ...Is this how these usually go?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Cliff confronts Howard in his office after the fiasco in the conference room]''
:'''Howard:''' Cliff? Is that you? I'm not crazy, and I'm not on drugs. Please, come in. Now somehow, some way, that son of a bitch gave me something that dilated my pupils. I-I don't know what. But it's wearing off already, look. ''[gestures toward his eyes]'' 
:'''Cliff:''' You say that Jimmy McGill drugged you? How is that possible?
:'''Howard:''' The-the photos. They were wet with... ''something''.
:'''Cliff:''' The missing photos.
:'''Howard:''' Yeah. My P.I., Genidowski, had to have been in on it. He-he must have shown me one set of photos and then switched them after I left the office. 
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...
:'''Howard:''' Three weeks ago, Julie got a call from our detective agency. They wanted to update their contact info, so of course she changed the number in the system. But it turns out, it wasn't them. That was Jimmy. So when I needed an investigator to follow Jimmy, I called his fake number and his fake man. She just dialed the old number and, of course, got the actual agency. And, no surprise, no one by the name of Genidowski had ever worked there. I hired a con man. I got played. Every step of the way. I know what it sounds like, but you have to believe me.
:'''Cliff:''' I... It doesn't matter. Rich went back to the previous offer. I'll give a recommend to the class that we take it.
:'''Howard:''' No. No way. We do not let Jimmy win this.
:'''Cliff:''' Why would Jimmy even do this? He's a profit participant! This means less money for him!
:'''Howard:''' Because he's a child! He wants his money now! He begged me months ago to settle! You know what he does!
:'''Cliff:''' Whatever the truth is, we'll never get back to where we were before mediation. We have to settle.
:'''Howard:''' I'm lead attorney. And I won't sanction that decision.
:'''Cliff:''' Then I'm obligated to go to the partners and explain everything I've seen &amp;ndash; all of it. You think you're gonna be able to convince them it was all Jimmy McGill?
:'''Howard:''' ...Okay then. We go to trial. Cliff, this case is incredibly strong. I put this thing in front of a jury, then everything will&amp;ndash;
:'''Cliff:''' I'm not thinking about you, Howard. I'm not thinking about Jimmy. I'm thinking about the time, the expense, the uncertainty. I'm thinking about our clients!
:''[Howard bows his head in defeat.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo records a video message for Eladio while he's hiding in the sewers surveilling Gus' laundromat. The dialogue switches between Spanish and English.]''
:'''Lalo''': Don Eladio. Guess who?  It's Lalo, I'm alive! ''[chuckles]'' I'm here in beautiful downtown Albuquerque. ''[pans the camera around his belongings]'' Been here... four nights? Now, you may be asking, &quot;What am I doing down in this shithole?&quot; Well, [[w:Axe and Grind|a little Croatian bird told me a secret]]. Eh, he put up a hell of a fight, but he told me. Look. ''[points the camera at his target, Lavanderia Brilliante]'' See that? Right there... Fring's secret. Now, I've been watching and Fring hides his guards very well, but they're there, dressed like laundry workers. ''[zooms in on one &quot;worker&quot;]'' See? That's one there. They're hiding guns under the uniforms, but I see. I have a pretty good idea of what I'm up against. ''[points the camera back at himself]'' I can tell you what's in there. A big hole where a German engineer, Werner Ziegler, designed the perfect place to hide the... ''[in English]'' &quot;mother of all meth labs.&quot; ''[in Spanish]'' Well, that's my story. And Fring? Fring will have his story, a good one, and Bolsa will back him because he's an... ''[in English]'' &quot;earner.&quot; ''[in Spanish]'' So tonight, I go in... kill all the guards and show you the proof. And then? You decide... ''Adios.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim are watching a movie in Kim's apartment when they hear a knock at the door. It's revealed to be Howard, disheveled and holding a bottle of Macallan scotch whisky.]''
:'''Howard:''' Can I come in? 
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah. Come on.
:'''Howard:''' Kim.
:'''Kim:''' Howard. You doing okay?
:'''Howard:''' I'm fine. Sorry to interrupt this, but I brought you a gift.
:'''Jimmy:''' A gift? What's the occasion?
:'''Howard:''' Your brother and I, we always had a meeting with Mr. Macallan after a big victory. Usually some brilliant summation by Chuck, that goes without saying. So this, this is for you. You earned it. You won.
:'''Jimmy:''' Won? Uh, what did I win?
:'''Howard:''' ''[pause]'' I get it. Of course you both have to play it this way. You're both so very good at it. 
:'''Kim:''' It's late, Howard. Do you want to tell us what this is about?
:'''Howard:''' I was wondering that too. ''[walks to the kitchen]'' What it's all about. I mean, what do you tell yourselves? What justification makes it okay? &quot;Howard's such an asshole that he deserves it?&quot; ''[offers two glasses to Jimmy and Kim]'' 
:'''Jimmy:''' We're good.
:'''Howard:''' So, what is it? I sided with Chuck too often? ''[points to Kim]'' I took away your office, put you in doc review? All of the above? Howard's daddy helped him get to the top, but you both had to struggle. &quot;Howie has so much and we have so little, let's take him down a peg or two.&quot; What allows you to do this to me? Because this isn't just a prank. No. This goes beyond [[w:Namaste (Better Call Saul)|throwing bowling balls on my car]]. This took planning, coordination. I mean, how many weeks? Or-or-or was it months? It couldn't have been easy. So tell me, why? Why go through this elaborate plot just to burn me to the ground?
:'''Jimmy:''' &quot;Burn you to the ground?&quot; Howard, come on. Y-you'll be fine. You always land on your feet.
:'''Howard:''' Yeah, sure. The Sandpiper settlement—HHM's share will be substantial, absolutely. Even though I humiliated myself. And my clients and peers will whisper that Howard Hamlin's a drug addict. You're right. I've worked my way through worse. Debt. Depression. My marriage falling apart.
:''[Jimmy blinks in surprise. He and Kim exchange looks]''
:'''Howard:''' Oh, yeah. Been sleeping in the guest house for the better part of a year. Just one more thing that good ol' Howard has to work through. But yes, I will land on my feet. I will be okay. But you? Far from it. You two... you two are soulless. Jimmy, you can't help yourself. Chuck knew it. You were ''born'' that way. ''[to Kim]'' But you—one of the smartest and most promising human beings I've ever known, and ''this'' is the life you choose. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright, you're too tight to drive, I'm calling a cab—
:'''Howard:''' Oh good, phony compassion. And you know what? Very, very believable. But I'm far from done.
:'''Kim:''' Oh no no no. You are done, Howard. Sorry, but you need to stop this now and you need to go home.
:'''Howard:''' You're perfect for each other. You have a piece missing. I-I-I thought you did it for the money, but it-it—Now it's so clear. Screw the money, you did it for fun! You get off on it! You're like [[w:Leopold and Loeb|Leopold and Loeb]], two sociopaths—
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright, that's enough.
:'''Howard:''' Oh, you know it's true, you just don't have the guts to admit it.
:'''Kim:''' Great. Now you need to go.
:'''Howard:''' I'm gonna make it clear to everyone, because I'm going to dedicate my life to making sure that everybody knows the truth. Believe it. You can't hide who you really are forever.
:''[Jimmy reflexively shields Kim as Lalo Salamanca enters the room; Jimmy is stunned]''
:'''Jimmy:''' How...
:''[Howard turns around and see Lalo, who non-chalantly stands next to him]''
:'''Kim:''' H-Howard... Howard. Howard, you need to leave.
:'''Howard:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Who are you?
:'''Lalo:''' Me? Nobody. I just need to talk to my lawyers.
:'''Howard:''' ''[scoffs]'' Oh, is that right? You want some advice? Find better lawyers.
:'''Kim:''' Howard, please j-just... just... just turn around—
:'''Lalo:''' No, no, no, no, no. Take your time.
:'''Howard:''' ''[to Kim]'' What's this about? 
:''[Lalo calmly takes a pistol out of his pocket and screws a silencer onto the muzzle]''
:'''Kim:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Please... please, just tell us what you want.
:'''Lalo:''' ''[shrugs]'' Like I said. To talk.
:'''Howard:''' I, uh... I think I'm in the middle of something, uh... There's really no need to—
:''[Lalo puts the gun to Howard's head and pulls the trigger; Howard falls onto the floor, killed instantly. Jimmy and Kim scream.]''
:'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Please, no!''
:'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''No! No!''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[holds out his hand to quiet them down]'' ''Shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh.'' Okay. Let's talk.

=== ''[[w:Point and Shoot (Better Call Saul) | Point and Shoot]]'' [6.08] ===
:''[Jimmy and Kim are cowering in terror when Lalo forces them to sit on their couch]''
:'''Jimmy''': I never turned on you. I didn't. I only worked for you in the desert. I was on your side the whole time.
:'''Lalo''': Shhh. ''[motions for Jimmy to sit down with his gun]'' I don't care. You two... ''[chuckles; shakes his head]'' God, you two and your mouths! ''Dios mío!'' Now, ''you listen.'' ''[tosses car keys to Jimmy]'' My car's downstairs. Press the clicker, and you'll find it. This... ''[holds up small piece of paper]'' is where you are going. Don't speed, don't weave, don't cut anyone off. Just, you know, drive nice. From here, ''[checks watch]'' at this hour... I'd take 40 east, get off at Carlisle, take the third left. The rest I drew a little map for you on the back. It's not hard. So... big white brick house with a solid black door. You can't miss it. It's right at the end of the T. Park a little down the street and not up front. It's a quiet neighborhood, so you'll have plenty of options. Stating the obvious here maybe, but... turn the car off, right? So, in the glove compartment, I left you a present. There's a camera and there's a gun. And you're gonna need both.
:'''Jimmy''': A gun?
:'''Lalo''': Yeah, yeah, yeah. But don't worry. I mean, it's–it's easy. It's a revolver. It's already loaded, no safety—it's idiot proof. So, you go up to that house, you walk right up to that black door. Don't run. Just be casual, like a stroll, you know? Keep the gun somewhere behind you where they can't see it. You ring the bell, you count to three, you step back. They look through the peephole, you're as innocent as can be. Door opens, you point... and you shoot. And you keep on pulling that trigger until it's empty. ''[pause]'' Simple. 
:'''Jimmy''': You–you want me to—?!
:'''Lalo''': I know, I know. ''[casually nudges Howard's dead body with his foot]'' You're a lawyer, and you're not a killer. But look, you can do this, okay? This guy, he's a housecat! Black, medium height, short hair, glasses! He kinda looks like a librarian... but don't be fooled. Even a housecat can scratch. So, that's it. Hard part's over. Now, you pull out the camera. Same principle as the gun: Point and shoot. Take a picture. One where I can see the face ''clearly''... and then you bring it back here where, me and Mrs. Goodman will be waiting for you. And then you're done! I'd say it's about a twenty minute drive over there... ''[Jimmy looks nervously at Kim]'' twenty minutes back. Maybe ten minutes to do the job. Let's go with an hour altogether. So, you're back here in an hour, or—
:''[Jimmy forcibly turns on the Saul Goodman charm]''
:'''Jimmy''': Send her.
:'''Kim''': ...What?! 
:'''Jimmy''': She should do it.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy...
:'''Lalo''': ''[pause]'' Why her? 
:'''Kim''': ''[whispers to Jimmy]'' Don't do this.
:'''Jimmy''': This guy, the–the housecat.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy, please.
:'''Jimmy''': He looks through his peephole... 
:'''Kim''': ''Please.''
:'''Jimmy''': ...in the middle of the night, and he sees me? &quot;Who's this asshole? What's he doing?&quot; Maybe–maybe he gets ''his'' gun, maybe he calls the cops. Either way, that door stays shut. But he sees a woman...
:'''Kim''': No.
:'''Jimmy''': ...she looks like she's in distress. Maybe her car broke down. ''[chuckles]'' I mean, you'd open the door for her, wouldn't you?
:'''Kim''': Stop! Stop!
:'''Lalo''': Yeah, but... she's really clever. I don't know if she's gonna stick to the plan.
:'''Jimmy''': She will.
:'''Kim''': No, no, no.
:'''Jimmy''': No cops. You know she will.
:'''Kim''': No. No, this... This doesn't even make any sense! I–I–I've never shot a gun before! I've never even held one!  
:'''Jimmy''': Like I have.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy, what are you doing?! 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo while pointing at Kim]'' You know she's the best choice.
:'''Kim''': No, I'm not! I don't—I can't! I can't do it! 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo]'' She can do it. You know she can do it!
:'''Kim''': No! Jimmy, I'll stay! Stop! Just stop! 
:'''Jimmy''': You know I'm right! Listen! 
:'''Kim''': Stop it! Shut up! 
:'''Jimmy''': Listen! 
:'''Kim''': SHUT UP!
:'''Lalo''': ''[rolls his eyes]'' Oh, my God! Okay, fine! Yeah, heard! Whatever. Give her the keys, give her the address. Let's go. ''[walks toward the front door]'' 
:'''Kim''': ''[to Jimmy]'' No. Don't... Don't.
:'''Jimmy''': You... you gotta go.
:'''Kim''': ''[softly]'' Don't do this.
:'''Jimmy''': Come on. Hey... ''[whispering]'' Let's go.
:''[Kim reluctantly gets up and is about to leave the apartment, but Lalo stops her]''
:'''Lalo''': Hold on. ''[pause; Kim looks at him]'' You're gonna need your shoes, right? 
:''[Kim stares at Jimmy while she puts her shoes on]'' 
:'''Lalo''': There you go! Okay, ''[looks at watch]'' so one hour starting... now. Clock's ticking, Mrs. Goodman.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo ties Jimmy to a chair while interrogating him about the assassination attempt at his hacienda]'' 
:'''Lalo''': You know, after I saw you last, I went home. My home. ''Mi cielito lindo''... And you know what happened? Men came. Armed men, in the middle of the night. To my home. Trying to get to me. And you know what they did? They killed people I care about. They killed my cook. My gardener. A seventeen-year-old kid I knew since he was knee-high. Never hurt a fly. Butchered my housekeeper, Yolanda. ''Una viejita, cabrón.'' They shot her in the back. 
:'''Jimmy''': ...I'm sorry.
:'''Lalo''': Now, how did these men... get into my home? Do you know? 
:'''Jimmy''': I... I have–I have no idea.
:'''Lalo''': Ignacio Varga. ''He'' let them in. And who did Ignacio introduce me to? ''[taps Jimmy's head]'' You.
:'''Jimmy''': Ignacio... Nacho? ''[brief pause]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa! I–I barely know Ignacio! Whatever he did, he did alone! Not with me! Listen, you gotta believe me! Hand to God, I had no part in this—it wasn't me! ''It was '''Igna—''''' 
:''[Lalo sneaks up from behind and gags Jimmy with a rolled-up shirt]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[through the gag]'' Ignacio! It's not me! Listen, listen! I–I don't know about...
:'''Lalo''': Save it. ''[looks Jimmy in the eyes]'' I'm gonna come back. And then you... are gonna tell me ''the whole story.''
:''[Before leaving the apartment, Lalo presses play on the movie Jimmy and Kim were watching earlier and turns up the volume. He picks up Jimmy's car keys by the front door.]''
:'''Lalo''': Ford Taurus... taupe? ''[rolls eyes and shakes his head before leaving]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike disarms Kim and forces her inside Gus' house before she can shoot. Gus watches Mike question her through surveillance monitors at his neighbors' residence.]''
:'''Kim''': What are you doing?! I–I have to go! I have to—No, wait! 
:'''Mike''': Ms. Wexler, I'd like you to sit down.
:'''Kim''': He'll–He'll kill him! You have to... You—
:'''Mike''': Now, sit there and be calm!
:'''Kim''': No, I have to get back! ''I have to get back!''
:'''Mike''': ''[restrains her and forces her back down]'' Sit ''still''... and stay calm. Now, if you take a deep breath—a ''deep'' breath—nothing's gonna happen here until you calm yourself. Alright? Now, who is killing who?
:'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca! Lalo is going to kill Jimmy! ''[Mike looks shocked]'' He's there! He–he is there with Jimmy now!
:'''Mike''': Salamanca is at your apartment?!
:'''Kim''': Yes! He sent ''me!'' He–he wanted to send Jimmy, but then he sent me.
:'''Mike''': To do what exactly?! ''[pause; Kim hyperventilates]'' Ms. Wexler, you stay with me! What were you supposed to do here?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat; points at a man who looks identical to Gus]'' Shoot him. I'm–I'm supposed to shoot him, and then take a photo, and then get back. That's it. I only have twenty minutes left! Please! ''[Mike quickly looks and nods at one of his guys]'' He is ''alone'' with him!
:'''Mike''': Alright, stay put. We'll handle this. We ''will'' handle this. ''[to Victor]'' You call Tyrus. Get him to the condo ''now.''
:'''Kim''': You said you were watching us! WHERE WERE YOU?! HUH?! ''[Mike leaves]'' '''WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!''' 
:''[Kim tries to get up, but Victor stands in her way and forces her to sit down again]'' 
:'''Victor''': You heard what the man said.
:''[Mike walks through the corridor connecting the two homes and reports to Gus.]''
:'''Mike''': You heard all that? ''[Gus nods]'' Alright. You hunker down here. ''[to two bodyguards]'' You two, you stay with him. A dog barks too loud, you are on the phone with me. ''[to Arthur and Tyrus]'' You two, come with me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After growing restless over Lalo's whereabouts, Gus calls Victor and asks him to speak to Kim about Lalo]''
:'''Gus''': Why did Lalo send you?
:'''Kim''': Who is this? 
:'''Victor''': Answer him. ''[points behind him]''
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' He didn't want to send me. Not at first. He wanted to send my husband... but my husband talked him out of it because he wanted to get me out of there.
:'''Gus''': He... talked Lalo out of it?
:'''Kim''': That's right. ''[pause]'' Now that I've told you everything I know, please tell me. Tell me who—
:''[Gus hangs up the phone and looks at his bodyguards]'' 
:'''Gus''': Come with me. Both of you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo records another video message for Don Eladio while holding Gus at gunpoint at the laundromat. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Lalo:''' Don Eladio, look who we have here. The one and only Gustavo Fring. [''chuckles''] And wearing body armor! Too bad they don't make armor for your head, eh? Now we're gonna take a little walk and show you around. ''Vamanos''. [''clicks tongue''] Don, I would've liked it if we didn't have to rush this so much. We could sit by your pool... strip this snake's skin off, inch by inch. Take our time, have some fun. But he shows up now... who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth? 
:''[Gus stops at one of the large washers]''
:'''Lalo:''' A big machine hides a big secret. We have about... thirteen minutes until his bald ''gringo'' gets here with the cavalry, so Gustavo is going to have to give us the nickel tour. ''[beat; shoots Gus in the chest]'' Like I was saying, Gustavo is going to show us around. 
:''[Gus walks around and pushes a button, which opens the secret passage to the underground meth lab]'' 
:'''Lalo:''' ''Ha!'' Magnificent! I had a bathtub that did this, but... credit where credit is due, this is better. ''[laughs]'' ''Hijo de puta''. 
:''[Gus leads Lalo down a ladder and turns on the lights]''
:'''Lalo:''' [''chuckles; in English''] Okay. Drumroll, please. ''D-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r''... Ta-da! ''[laughs]'' ''Cadenza de wow'', no? ''[in Spanish]'' Don Eladio, I've heard some stories about this place. It took a bunch of German engineers ten months to build all of this. They used two hundred pounds of high explosive. Dug out 120,000 cubic meters of dirt and rock. And all... without disturbing the laundry up there. In the middle of a city with a million people! That's pretty badass, right? 
:''[Gus trips and falls to the ground when Lalo pushes his pistol against his back]''
:'''Lalo''': One moment, Don. ''[puts the camcorder between his teeth as he switches the magazines of his pistol]'' Think of the laboratory you could put here, Don Eladio. ''Eh?'' How much meth you could make... that was his plan. Cut you out to become boss. And now here we are, in this big hole! ''[cackles]'' Gustavo thought he was building an empire, but all he built himself was a tomb. 
:'''Gus:''' You can't kill me.
:'''Lalo:''' Why not?
:'''Gus:''' I haven't told that fat pig Eladio what I think of him yet. 
:'''Lalo:''' ''Hoo-hoo!'' Perfect! You've got one minute. 
:'''Gus:''' Eladio... you greasy, bloated pimp. You talk of honor. But you have none. A pack of stray dogs fighting for scraps has more honor. Jackals. That's all you are! No vision. No patience. No thought. Stupid and impulsive! That is how I did all this. You couldn't see it, couldn't even conceive of it. And you Salamancas... you're the worst vermin of all. You say you believe in &quot;blood for blood&quot; but you only understand blood for money! You're whores!  ''[in English]'' I understand blood for blood. Hector? Yeah, I kept him alive. Kept him broken. I will save him to the last. Before he dies, he will know '''''I''' buried every one of you.'' 
:'''Lalo:''' ''[sniggers]'' Big talk. You done?
:'''Gus:''' No. Not yet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy:''' Lalo said he was coming back.
:'''Mike:''' He's not coming.
:'''Jimmy:''' No, he said he was, he told me—
:'''Mike:''' You understand me? He is ''not coming back.'' Let's sit. ''[pause; Jimmy and Kim remain standing]'' '''''SIT.'''''
:''[Jimmy and Kim sit at the foot of their bed; Mike stands in front of them.]''
:'''Mike:''' Alright. Here's what's gonna happen: In a few days, Howard Hamlin's car will be found several states away by the water. The odometer will have rolled to the exact number of miles it took to get there. There will be cocaine in the upholstery. That was the story you were setting up for this guy, yeah? They'll call it a suicide, hoping the body will come washing up. It never will. At some point, you're gonna hear about it. Someone calls you, someone at the courthouse mentions it—the moment that happens—you call the cops. His car was here for hours last night. Good chance somebody noticed it. That means you are the last people to see him alive. Cops are gonna want to hear from you. You tell the cops you saw him—he came here, seemed like maybe he was chemically altered, didn't make a lick of sense. Then he left, that's all you know. You keep telling the lie you've been telling. Now, Ms. Wexler tells me she has court at ten. What's on your docket? ''[Jimmy doesn't answer]'' Hey. ''Listen.'' Where do you need to be?
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh, office. At my office. Clients start showing up around 9:30. ''Oh'', my car is gone.
:'''Mike:''' No. It's on the way home, you'll have it when you need it. So you two are going to go about your day—normal, same as ever. Today, you're Meryl Streep and Laurence Olivier. No staring into space, nothing out of the ordinary, you ''cover.'' Anybody talks to you, it's just another day that ends in Y, that's all. When you get home, we'll be gone and everything will be back the way it was. Now, I need to impress upon you: none of this ever happened. None of it. Understand? Say it out loud, I need to hear it.
:'''Jimmy:''' ...I understand.
:'''Kim:''' ...It never happened.

=== ''[[w:Fun and Games (Better Call Saul) | Fun and Games]]'' [6.09] ===
:'''Jimmy''': One day, we'll... We'll wake up, and brush our teeth, and we'll go to work. And at some point, we'll suddenly realize... [[w:Bad Choice Road | that we hadn't thought about it at all. None of it]]. ''[pause]'' And that's when we'll know. We'll know we can forget.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gus meets with Don Eladio, Juan Bolsa, and the Salamancas late at night. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Eladio''': Don Hector has made a very serious accusation. 
:''[One of the Cousins hands a letter to Don Juan]'' 
:'''Bolsa''': These are Don Hector's words. Dictated to Leonel and Marco, letter by letter. &quot;The assault on my nephew's hacienda failed. Lalo fought the assassins and won. The day after the attack, Lalo called me. I heard the truth from his own lips. It was Fring who sent the mercenaries, not the Peruvians. We kept Lalo's survival a secret. My nephew was about to take his revenge on the traitor, face-to-face. Instead, he disappeared. It is the Chicken Man's doing. Don Eladio, look into Fring's eyes. There you will see the truth. The Chicken Man hates you. He is our enemy. He plots against us. I demand blood for blood.&quot;
:''[Bolsa folds the letter and sits back down]''
:'''Eladio''': Well, Gustavo?
:'''Gus''': ''[pause]'' I have no response.
:'''Bolsa''': Gustavo, you must speak. Have you no defense?
:'''Gus''': With all due respect, I don't believe this merits a response.
:'''Eladio''': Did you witness these phone calls from Lalo? ''[Leonel and Marco shake their heads]'' I was told you saw Lalo's body.
:'''Leonel''': Yes.
:'''Marco''': It was burned.
:'''Eladio''': Didn't the ''federales'' check the teeth?
:'''Bolsa''': Yes, Don Eladio. My brother tells me the dental records matched. 
:'''Eladio''': And that rat, Varga... What did he say before he died?
:'''Bolsa''': He said he was in the pay of the Peruvians, Los Odios. We know he took their money, we found bank statements.
:'''Eladio''': ''[beat; looks at his watch]'' Well... It's late. Don Hector... Since you've come a long way, tonight you sleep in my bed. ''[Hector angrily rings his bell repeatedly in protest]'' No, I insist. No arguing. I'm giving you my room. Very comfortable. And who knows? Maybe a couple of the girls will come to visit! ''[pause; Hector continues ringing his bell]'' Please. ''[Leonel and Marco carry Hector by his wheelchair and leave]'' Good night, Hector. Sleep well. ''[to Gus]'' I'd invite you to stay as well, Gustavo, but... I don't want my breakfast ruined by all the... ''[mocks Hector ringing his bell and laughs]'' Ay-yay-yay. ''[beat]'' The peace must be kept. What do you suggest?
:'''Gus''': I wouldn't presume.
:'''Eladio''': The South Valley will stay Salamanca territory. And the rest of the North, that'll be for you to manage. Working under Bolsa.
:'''Bolsa''': Thank you, Don Eladio.
:'''Gus''': ''[rises with Eladio out of his chair]'' Thank you. Your trust means everything, Don Eladio.
:'''Eladio''': ''Bueno.'' Gustavo... ''[long pause]'' When I looked into your eyes... Hate. A little bit's okay. As long as you never forget who's boss. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike meets with Nacho's father outside his shop to let him know about Nacho's fate]''
:'''Manuel''': Who are you?
:'''Mike''': It's not important.
:'''Manuel''': I saw you here before. [[w:Cobbler (Better Call Saul)|Chrysler Fifth Avenue]]. What about my son?
:'''Mike''': I'm sorry, he won't be found. ''[pause]'' It was over fast. No pain.
:'''Manuel''': You were there?
:'''Mike''': I was there. Your son made some mistakes, he fell in with bad people... but he was never like them. Not really. He had a good heart. One more thing: you won't have to worry about the Salamancas. Their day is coming. There'll be justice.
:'''Manuel''': Justice?
:'''Mike''': I'm sorry, my Spanish - j-''justicia.'' Justice.
:'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' What you talk about... is not justice. What you talk of is... ''revenge.'' It never ends... my boy is gone. ''[scoffs, speaks in Spanish]'' You gangsters and your &quot;justice.&quot; You're all the same.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim approach Cliff and Howard's widow, Cheryl, at a memorial reception in the offices of HHM.]''
:'''Kim:''' Cliff.
:'''Cliff:''' Kim, Jimmy.
:'''Cheryl:''' Kim, hi.
:''[Jimmy extends his hand to Cheryl; she doesn't take it]''
:'''Jimmy:''' Hi, Cheryl. I'm Jimmy McGill. You may not remember me. I'm Chuck McGill's brother.
:'''Cheryl:''' Of course.
:'''Jimmy:''' Very sorry for your loss. ''[sighs]''
:'''Kim:''' Cheryl, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. If Jimmy and I can do anything for you or your family, please just say the word.
:''[Jimmy and Kim are about to walk away]''
:'''Cheryl:''' There is something, actually. You two were the last ones to see him, weren't you?
:'''Kim:''' Um...
:'''Jimmy:''' I guess so. Uh, that's what the police said.
:'''Cheryl:''' Howard told me that you were harassing him, playing elaborate pranks of some sort. That you wouldn't leave him alone.
:'''Jimmy:''' I know he thought that. He—he—he told me as well. Um, I think he honestly believed it.
:'''Cheryl:''' But you're denying it.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' You know what, I didn't leave here under the best terms. The past few years, I could have been more considerate to Howard instead of yitzing him every chance I got. I guess, uh, there was a certain amount of jealousy on my part because Howard had the, uh, respect of my brother. Which I never did. ''[Jimmy steps away]''
:'''Cheryl:''' Tell me what you told the police. 
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' Okay, um... Well, I mean, it was 11pm. Howard started pounding on our door. He was very upset, going on about something, um, he thought was my fault, uh... Guess it had to do with the Sandpiper case. But I—I couldn't make head or tail out of it. We tried to calm him down. But... he just—he just wouldn't, um... Finally, he left. That's—that's it.
:'''Cheryl:''' I'm not oblivious. I know people are saying he was on drugs. Is that what you're trying to tell me?
:'''Jimmy:''' I just... He just didn't seem like himself.
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' Are you hearing all of this? Because none of it makes sense to me. 
:'''Cliff:''' Cheryl, maybe we should just—
:'''Cheryl:''' I don't care what people are saying. I don't care what the police think. Howard was not on drugs. That simply is not true. There's something more to this. 
:'''Kim:''' I don't know if it's my place, but... I—I...
:'''Cheryl:''' Please. Just spit it out. ''[sharply inhales]''
:'''Kim:''' ''[sighs]'' It was about a year-and-a-half ago. I was still an associate here, working late on a brief. And I saw a light on in Howard's office. I assumed the cleaning crew left it on by mistake. And I was sure that office was empty, so I didn't knock.
:'''Cheryl:''' ...And?
:'''Kim:''' And Howard was there at his desk, head down. And he was snorting something. 
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[scoffs]''
:'''Kim:''' I looked at him. He looked at me. I didn't know what to do, so I just walked out. And the next morning, when we saw each other, neither of us ever said anything about it. I never told anyone. But now I wish I had. 
:''[Long pause]''
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' In all the years that you worked with him, have you witnessed anything like this? Even a hint? Cliff...
:'''Cliff:''' I... Cheryl, this really isn't the time or the place.
:''[Cheryl begins to cry]''
:'''Kim:''' Cheryl. You were his wife. You saw him every day. You knew him better than anyone. Maybe I misunderstood what I saw. You would have known. 
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[voice breaking]'' Please excuse me.
:''[Cheryl retreats into a women's restroom]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kim and her client are sitting in a courtroom as the presiding judge, Gabriel Dearden, takes the bench]''
:'''Bailiff:''' All rise. Court is now in session, the Honorable Judge Dearden presiding.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Good afternoon. We are here to discuss a motion to exclude evidence in ''State of New Mexico vs. Yarborough''. 
:'''Kim:''' ''[rises]'' Your honor, if I may. I submitted an additional motion. I'm assuming you have not seen it yet.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Did we get that?
:'''Secretary:''' It just came in, judge.
:''[The secretary approaches the bench and hands the motion to Judge Dearden]''
:'''Kim:''' I apologize, it was a last-minute addition. 
:'''Judge Dearden:''' &quot;Last minute&quot; is right. ''[looking through the motion]'' 
:''[Pause]''
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ...Do I understand this correctly? You're requesting to withdraw from this case?
:'''Kim:''' Yes, your honor. My client is fully informed. And I've already been in touch with another attorney, Paige Novick. She's highly qualified and familiar with the case. She's prepared to step if you'll allow it.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Ms. Wexler, Mr. Orenstein, approach the bench.
:''[Kim and the prosecutor do so]''
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[to Kim]'' Ms. Wexler, we are here today at your insistence to consider your motion to exclude evidence. And this is the moment you choose to withdraw?
:'''Kim:''' It was unavoidable.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' May I ask why?
:'''Kim:''' Personal reasons, your honor.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' &quot;Personal reasons.&quot; Are we talking about a health issue, something to do with a loved one?
:'''Kim:''' No.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you rather discuss privately in chambers?
:'''Kim:''' Thank you for the consideration, but no.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you care to supply any detail at all?
:'''Kim:''' Your honor, I prefer not to.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[pause; to Orenstein]'' ...Mr. Orenstein, is the state prepared to discuss Ms. Wexler's motion?
:'''Orenstein:''' We are, your honor. Absolutely.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' You know what, Ms. Wexler? Mr. Orenstein's here. I'm here. We all showed up for your party, and now you're taking away the punch bowl. I'm inclined to have you argue your motion, then I'll consider later writing petitions. 
:'''Kim:''' I'm sorry for wasting the court's time, your honor, but it's impossible for me to continue with this hearing.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' And why is that, Ms. Wexler?
:'''Kim:''' Because I'm no longer an attorney. 
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[brief pause]'' ...I'm sorry, what?
:'''Kim:''' I gave notice to the bar two hours ago.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy arrives home after hearing the news that Kim has quit her legal career]''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''You did what?!'' Why?! ''WHY?!'' Alright, alright, I know why. But Kim, you can't just—
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy, I—
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Shhh!'' Just let me say my piece, okay? Just—Let's take a breath here! Kim, after everything that happened... I mean, Jesus! I get it! You want to climb out of your own skin! That's natural! But Kim, you don't just throw everything away! Th-th-this is your life! You're a lawyer! What about your clients, huh? What about, uh... that poor guy, Mr. Yarborough? What about the kid in foster care? Huh?! You give them everything you got! Who are they going to find who is half as good as you?! No one! They need you!
:'''Kim:''' It's already done.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Ugh!'' ''[pause]'' Okay, what's done can be undone. All I'm saying is just—just let's take a week or two to think it over. For now, we're gonna take some time off. God knows we need it. We're gonna to find a new place, we're—we're gonna leave here. We're never, ever gonna come back here again. Okay? We're gonna—we're gonna put it behind us! Things will look brighter! I guarantee it! But first we have to fix this. So we're gonna go back to the hotel room, and you're gonna write letters. You're gonna write a letter to the bar, you're gonna write letters to your clients. You—you—you dictate, I will type. We're gonna roll this thing back. I'll order a pizza, we'll pull an all-nighter. Because we're in this together. Okay? So I'm gonna go get your—your printer, and then we're gonna get the hell out of here.
:''[Jimmy turns to head into the bedroom]''
:'''Kim:''' Wait— Jimmy. Jimmy!
:''[Jimmy enters the bedroom to discover half-full boxes and luggage everywhere]''
:'''Kim:''' You asked if you were bad for me. That's not it. We are bad for each other. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Kim. Don't do this. Kim, please.
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy... ''[holding back tears]'' ...I have had the time of my life with you. But we are bad for everyone around us. Other people suffer because of us. Apart we're okay, but together we're poison. 
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[shakes his head]'' No, no. Just tell me what I need to do to change, okay? Just tell me what it is, and I'll do it. 
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy...
:'''Jimmy:''' No, Kim. You make me happy. We make each other happy. How can that be bad? Hey... I love you.
:'''Kim:''' I love you, too. ''[voice breaking]'' But so what? 
:'''Jimmy:''' No. No. No, Kim, you're wrong! ''This is about '''Howard!''''' Okay?! What happened to him wasn't on us! It wasn't your fault! It wasn't ''my'' fault! It was that ''fucking Lalo Salamanca!'' That psychopath came back from the dead and he walked through that door! He did this! Not us, ''him!'' 
:'''Kim:''' I knew.
:'''Jimmy:''' You knew wh-what?
:'''Kim:''' I knew he was alive.
:'''Jimmy:''' No, you didn't.
:'''Kim:''' It was about a month ago. I saw that car following me again. And it turned out that Mike Ehrmantraut had guys watching both of us, watching for Lalo. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Mike... Mike told you that Lalo was alive? ''[Kim nods]'' And you didn't tell me?
:'''Kim:''' ''[pause]'' Jimmy... I thought... I thought it was a one-in-a-million chance that he'd come for us. I thought he would be caught if he did. And I told myself I was protecting you. But that's not the truth. The reason I didn't tell you was because I knew what you'd do.
:'''Jimmy:''' Wh-what would I do?
:'''Kim:''' You'd—you'd blame yourself. You'd fear for me. You'd want us to run and hide until you were sure I was safe. You would pull the plug on the scam, and then... ''[pause]'' ...and then, we'd break up. And I didn't want that. Because I was having too much ''fun''.
:''[Kim breaks down crying and returns to the bedroom to pack; Jimmy stands in the living room in silence]''

=== ''[[w:Nippy (Better Call Saul) | Nippy]]'' [6.10] ===
:''[Saul is confronted by Jeff after he unexpectedly shows up at his home]''
:'''Jeff''': Dude, what the fuck?!
:'''Saul''': I know, it's awkward, right? But you don't have to call me Dad. Yet.
:'''Jeff''': I don't know what this is about, but all I have to do is pick up the phone and it's &quot;Bye-bye, Saul Goodman.&quot;
:'''Saul''': Yeah, but you haven't picked up the phone yet, have ya? Or tried to strong-arm me for cash. And guess what? I know why. Because reward money—blackmail—that's not gonna tickle your pickle. I know what you really want. 
:'''Jeff''': Oh, yeah? What's that?
:'''Saul''': You want in the game.
:'''Jeff''': The game? What—what game?
:'''Saul''': The ''game.'' The one you've been watching your entire life. You got your nose pressed up against the glass, peering in while the big boys play.
:'''Jeff''': Speak English, man. What the hell are you talking about?
:'''Saul''': ''The game.'' It's right there. You can see it, but you can't touch it yet. ''[pause]'' Cars, clothes. The cash, the ladies. It's about knowing all the angles, you know? Putting it all on the line and winning ''big.'' But here you are, Jeffy. Standing outside with the suckers, trying to pay off that cab, sweating the bills. You're getting older. It's—it's so close, but dammit you just can't get in! Until now. I can make it happen.
:'''Jeff''': ''[beat]'' You?
:'''Saul''': Saul Goodman. ''[pause]'' So, here's the deal. I will show you the game, and then we're done. 
:''[Jeff stares at Saul for another moment before smiling]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jeff runs around a maze in the outline of a mall. Saul, on a loudspeaker, shouts directions to him.]''
:'''Saul''': Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! HALT!
:''[Jeff stops, breathing heavily.]''
:'''Jeff:''' What?!
:'''Saul''': That's too many, you gotta be precise! Just three of each.
:'''Jeff:''' Why? And why do I gotta run around like an asshole?
:'''Saul''': I already told you! Three minutes, got it? That's our window!
:'''Jeff:''' Yeah, but why three minutes?
:'''Saul''': Because at three minutes, that's when security sees you on the cameras and the cops haul your ass to jail, alright? So let's go.
:'''Jeff:''' Wait, there's cameras?
:'''Saul''': Sure there's cameras! They erase the tapes every seventy-two hour, so that's why you only take three of each, and only the pricey stuff. When the store opens the next morning, they won't even know they were robbed. By the time they do inventory, abra cadabra, no more Jeffy on the tape! Right, so, three items, three minutes... It's easy. Let's go.
:''[Jeff walks back to the start of the maze.]''
:'''Saul''': How many of each?
:'''Jeff:''' Three...
:'''Saul''': Pigs get fat, hogs get slaughtered!
:'''Jeff:''' I don't know...
:'''Saul''': What don't you know?
:'''Jeff:''' Just, this whole thing, it seems crazy!
:'''Saul''': Is this too hot for you?! Ju— You know what, just say so! You know what? Screw it. &quot;Crazy?&quot; I'll tell you what's crazy! [[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad) | Fifty-year-old high school chemistry teacher]] [[w:Breaking Bad | comes into my office. The guy is so broke, he can't pay his own mortgage. One year later, he's got a pile of cash as big as a Volkswagen.]] ''That's'' crazy.
:'''Jeff's Friend:''' I'll do it.
:'''Jeff:''' This sounds good to you?
:'''Jeff's Friend:''' I think it'll work. 
:'''Saul''': Well, look at you! Hey, you're young. You're probably, uh... Fast in the feet, huh?
:'''Jeff:''' O-Okay, I didn't say I wouldn't do it! I just... Had some questions about, like... Logistics.
:'''Saul''': Are you in or out?
:'''Jeff:''' In.
:'''Saul''': ''[sighs]'' Okay, back to one. ''[He speaks into the loudspeaker as Jeff sets himself up.]'' Check, test, one-two, one-two.  Okay! And ready, set, action!
:''[Jeff begins running.]''
:'''Saul''': Move, move, move! Pick up the pace! Go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! Let's go, let's go, let's go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[On the night of the robbery, Saul watches Jeff through the mall cameras while one of the security guards, Frank, is eating a Cinnabon roll with his back facing the cameras.]'' 
:'''Saul''': How about that 44-21 win against the Cavs?
:'''Frank''': Be still my heart. ''[laughs]''
:'''Saul''': Seventy-six yard pass to Reggie Ball, and–and never sacked once. 
:'''Frank''': Wow, you have got quite the memory.
:'''Saul''': ...Yeah, well—I'll tell you what. I can remember every stitch of clothing I was wearing during that game, but ask me what I had for dinner and... ''[whistles]'' Clean slate.
:'''Frank''': Tell me about it! ''[Saul checks his stopwatch, which is at two minutes and fifteen seconds]'' Well, I'll tell ya: If you're not passing the ball, that's what's gonna happen. ''[eats another bite]'' Mmm! 
:''[Eventually, Jeff runs with the last round of clothes when he slips and falls. Saul chokes on his coffee.]''
:'''Frank''': You okay?
:'''Saul''': ''[coughs]'' Wrong pipe.
:'''Frank''': Oh, okay. So, you think our guys are move to the Big Ten like they're sayin'?
:'''Saul''': ''[pause]'' Big Ten?
:'''Frank''': Yeah, you know, maybe they're just chasing the almighty dollar if you ask me. I mean, both powerhouses of course. But, you know what? You got Oklahoma and Texas over here. But Michigan, Ohio State over there! ''[Saul looks nervously at the cameras]'' I... I don't know. Guess  I like tradition. ''[chuckles; sighs as he takes yet another bite]'' So good. Just amazing. Wow. 
:''[After Saul realizes Jeff is out cold, he fakes a nervous breakdown to distract Frank]''
:'''Saul''': God, what am I doing?
:'''Frank''': What?
:'''Saul''': ''[cries out again as Frank turns his head towards the cameras]'' Look at me! Wha—I don't know what... ''[sobs]'' Oh, Jesus! 
:'''Frank''': Gene?
:'''Saul''': Oh, God. You... you have a wife, right, Frank?
:'''Frank''': Yeah.
:'''Saul''': Yeah?
:'''Frank''': Yeah.
:'''Saul''': She's waiting for you? ''[Frank nods]'' Look at me. I got... I got no one. My parents are dead. [[w:Chuck McGill | My brother]]... ''[beat; looks down]'' My brother is dead. I, uh... I don't have a wife. No kids, no friends. If I die tonight, no one would care. What difference would it make?
:''[Saul looks up again and notices Jeff slowly getting himself up]''
:'''Frank''': Gene, buddy... I—I'm sure you mean a lot to... to a lot of—lots of people. ''[turns his head around]''
:'''Saul''': ''[slams fist on table]'' If I die tonight, my landlord would pack up my stuff. It'd take him three hours. And Cinnabon would just hire a new manager. Gene who?! Poof, I'd be gone! I'd be... a–a ghost. No, not a ghost. I'd be a... a shadow. I'd just mean ''nothing.'' I mean, Frank... What's the ''point'', Frank? What's the...
:''[Saul sees Jeff put away the clothes in the box. He groans as he watches Jeff run out of the warehouse, then claps when he's out of sight]''
:'''Saul''': ''[sighs]'' I'm sorry. You didn't need to hear that.
:'''Frank''': No, no, no. That's–that's okay. No, that is okay. Everybody has bad days.
:'''Saul''': You've felt like this?
:'''Frank''': ...No. I mean, not me, but... people. I think a lot of people.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Saul''': You guys enjoying yourselves? Well, hold on to that feeling, 'cause this is it.
:'''Jeff''': Yeah, we know.
:'''Saul''': Well, in case you forget, you transported stolen goods with a value exceeding $5,000. And the truck you used to do it was rented in Council Bluffs across state lines.
:'''Jeff''': You told us to rent the truck over there, so—
:'''Saul''': ''[motions for Jeff to stop talking]'' Theft from an interstate shipment, up to ten years. Transportation of stolen goods, another ten years. Sale of stolen goods, ten years. Conspiracy to commit a federal crime—
:'''Jeff's Friend''': Whoa, hold on. Conspiracy? It was your idea.
:'''Saul''': Yeah. It's called mutually assured destruction, so... if I go down, you go down.
:'''Jeff''': Man, you don't have to threaten us. We're all friends here.
:'''Saul''': I am not your friend. And if you get greedy, and you decide to come back for more, ''don't.'' Gene Takavic, you've never heard of him. Cottonwood Mall, you don't go there. You see me comin', you cross to the other side of the street. 
:'''Jeff''': Dude.
:'''Saul''': Now, I need you to say it. We're done.
:'''Jeff''': ''[pause; laughs]'' Come on! 
:'''Saul''': Say it. ''We're done. '''Say it.'''''
:'''Jeff''': ''[beat; looks at his friend briefly]'' We're done.
:'''Jeff's Friend''': ''[pause]'' We're–we're done.

=== [6.11] ===

=== [6.12] ===

=== [6.13] ===

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Better Call Saul seasons]]
[[Category:Split television seasons]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Margarita Simonyan</title>
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      <text bytes="9339" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Margarita_Simonyan_(2017-07-17).jpg|thumb|Margarita Simonyan]]
'''[[w:Margarita Simonyan|Margarita Simonovna Simonyan]]''' (Russian:Маргарита Симоновна Симоньян; born 6 April 1980) is a Russian journalist. She is the editor-in-chief of the Russian state-controlled  media organisations RT (formerly Russia Today) and Rossiya Segodnya.  In 2022, Simonyan was sanctioned by the European Union for &quot;actions and policies which undermine the territorial integrity, sovereignty and independence of Ukraine&quot;.

== Quotes ==

* We're fighting a huge, armed enemy. Maybe it's not that simple for Russia to fight all of NATO over there.
* But also, this is not Ukraine, it's NATO. It's all their power being used against us now.  All of their arms, all of their weapons, all of their equipment, all of their trainers, their mercenaries.
* We should be helping our army and our commander-in-chief to win instead of complaining that they're yet to win in so-and-so days.
** [https://www.express.co.uk/news/world/1597171/Kremlin-mouthpiece-defends-Putin-as-she-struggles-to-explain-why-Russia-is-struggling-to-w &quot;Putin's mouthpiece loses it on live state TV when asked to explain Russian failure - VIDEO&quot;], Express, 18 April 2022

* We're all going to die someday.
** Said during the [[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine | 2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine]], about the possibility of a nuclear war, quoted in [https://www.newsweek.com/russian-state-tv-comforts-viewers-nuclear-war-we-all-die-someday-1701580 &quot;Russian State TV Comforts Viewers on Nuclear War: 'We All Die Someday'&quot;], Newsweek, 27 April 2022

* The Anglo-Saxons publicly encourage Ukraine to take their hostilities into Russian territory. And they give them means to carry that plan out.  What choice do you leave us, idiots? The total annihilation of what remains of Ukraine? A nuclear strike?
** [https://www.thedailybeast.com/margarita-simonyan-top-kremlin-mouthpiece-says-russia-is-being-forced-into-using-nukes-in-ukraine &quot;Top Kremlin Mouthpiece Says Russia Has No Choice but to Use Nuclear Weapons&quot;], Daily Beast, 28 April 2022

*Mr. Biden, why won’t you tell the Russians that Ukraine will never join NATO? That’s what they’re asking for. Additionally, with high level of probability, it will never be able to join anyway, for various reasons. You understand that it’s their [Russia’s] legitimate interest that [Ukraine] does not join, but you’re not doing that.
**[https://www.thedailybeast.com/tucker-carlson-interview-with-putin-demanded-by-margarita-simonyan &quot;Russia’s Top Propagandists Beg for a Putin Interview with Tucker Carlson&quot; in ''The Daily Beast] (17 February 2022)

*You’re telling us that you’re defending democracy. Mr. Biden, what kind of democracy is it when they are closing down one television channel after another and imprisoning their political opponents, because they can’t hold on to power in any other way?
**[https://www.thedailybeast.com/tucker-carlson-interview-with-putin-demanded-by-margarita-simonyan &quot;Russia’s Top Propagandists Beg for a Putin Interview with Tucker Carlson&quot; in ''The Daily Beast] (17 February 2022)

*The West never got over the Cold War stereotype. One thing that only few journalists understand is that Russia started dissolving the Soviet Union of its own accord. We were the ones to realize that Communism was a failure. We understood that it was wrong to impose our will on other nations. We released the Eastern bloc into freedom. We are a different country today, one with a different mentality -- which is something that Western journalists sometimes find difficult to comprehend. You, for example, stated earlier that Russia was acting aggressively without backing it up with facts.
**[https://www.spiegel.de/international/world/spiegel-interview-russia-today-editor-in-chief-margarita-simonyan-a-916356.html &quot;'The West Never Got Over the Cold War Stereotype'&quot; in ''Der Spiegel''] (13 August 2013)

*Everything you say will be used against you.
**[https://www.ft.com/content/7987e5c2-54b0-11e6-9664-e0bdc13c3bef &quot;Lunch with the FT: Kremlin media star Margarita Simonyan&quot;] (29 July 2016)

*We are far less critical of western policy than western media are critical of Russia. When was the last time you read anything good about Russia? Anywhere? Name me one publication. That’s why this cliché that Russia Today is an anti-western channel brings a smile to my face.
**[https://www.ft.com/content/7987e5c2-54b0-11e6-9664-e0bdc13c3bef &quot;Lunch with the FT: Kremlin media star Margarita Simonyan&quot;] (29 July 2016)

*I don’t see why you have the nerve to think that you know better than anyone how to run the world, and who’s marginal in the world and who isn’t. You’ve made so many mistakes, you’ve started so many wars in the last few years, destroyed so many lives, killed so many people, created so many problems.
**[https://www.ft.com/content/7987e5c2-54b0-11e6-9664-e0bdc13c3bef &quot;Lunch with the FT: Kremlin media star Margarita Simonyan&quot;] (29 July 2016)

*I noticed that mainstream western TV channels, especially CNN and ABC, show the same thing. It really ate me up inside. I realised that there are quite a lot of people in the world who don’t think that’s how it should be, so it probably makes sense to make something for them. Obviously if our audience is [only] Kremlinologists and Russia watchers, then that’s very few people.
**[https://www.ft.com/content/7987e5c2-54b0-11e6-9664-e0bdc13c3bef &quot;Lunch with the FT: Kremlin media star Margarita Simonyan&quot;] (29 July 2016)

*It worries me that western journalists, especially British ones, call everyone they don’t like marginal. When I read the western press I see: ‘Russia has to’, ‘Putin has to’, ‘They must’. This really irritates people in Russia because we don’t see your moral grounds to lecture everyone.
**[https://www.ft.com/content/7987e5c2-54b0-11e6-9664-e0bdc13c3bef &quot;Lunch with the FT: Kremlin media star Margarita Simonyan&quot;] (29 July 2016)

*Actually, I also like America in a lot of ways. I have friends and family there, the food is good, at the end of the day. I really love American culture . . . In the 1990s we looked at America like a saviour. We proudly wore American flag T-shirts and caps. I learnt the Declaration of Independence by heart.
**[https://www.ft.com/content/7987e5c2-54b0-11e6-9664-e0bdc13c3bef &quot;Lunch with the FT: Kremlin media star Margarita Simonyan&quot;] (29 July 2016)

*Believe me, I’ve categorically forbidden everyone from inviting people who says nonsense or promote some unhealthy strange theories on air. But at the same time, if we only give airtime to the same people as the mainstream media does, it means it wouldn’t at all be clear why we’re doing this.
**[https://www.ft.com/content/7987e5c2-54b0-11e6-9664-e0bdc13c3bef &quot;Lunch with the FT: Kremlin media star Margarita Simonyan&quot;] (29 July 2016)

*They [Americans] are like little children, they don't believe anything they don't want to believe, like little children. They're trapped in the world of their own fantasies. Recently, I was re-reading old letters that I sent to my parents when I was studying in America. I wrote to my parents: 'I have a feeling that [America] is not a country, but a kindergarten for mentally disabled children. Even at 15, I already understood that.
**[https://www.newsweek.com/russia-tv-host-americans-mentally-disbaled-children-viral-video-margarita-simonyan-1712969 &quot;Russian TV Host Compares Americans to 'Mentally Disabled Children'&quot; in ''Newsweek''] (6 June 2022)

*We should be building our future with culture, with heating and without Ukraine.
**[https://www.newsweek.com/russian-tv-ukraine-no-longer-exists-simonyan-russia-1-deworming-1726014 &quot;Russian TV Says Ukraine No Longer Exists, Compares War to 'Deworming a Cat'&quot; in ''Newsweek''] (19 July 2022)

*There'll not be the Ukraine we have known for many years. It won't be a Ukraine.
**[https://www.newsweek.com/russian-tv-ukraine-no-longer-exists-simonyan-russia-1-deworming-1726014 &quot;Russian TV Says Ukraine No Longer Exists, Compares War to 'Deworming a Cat'&quot; in ''Newsweek''] (19 July 2022)

*A cynical joke or perhaps an exclamation has appeared, I’ve already heard it from several people in Moscow.  ‘All hope is pinned on famine’.  What is meant is that famine will begin and they [in the West] will come to their senses, will remove sanctions and will be friends with us because it’s impossible to not be friends.
**[https://khpg.org/en/1608810761 &quot;Chief Russian propagandist: “All our hope is pinned on famine”&quot;] (24 June 2022)

*Personally, I see the path of a third world war as the most realistic. Knowing us, knowing our leader, Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, knowing how things work around here . . . I think that the most improbable outcome—that it will all end in a nuclear strike—is still more probable than defeat. This horrifies me, on the one hand, but on the other I understand that this is how it is.
**[https://www.newyorker.com/news/annals-of-communications/inside-putins-propaganda-machine &quot;Inside Putin's Propaganda Machine&quot; in ''The New Yorker''] (18 May 2022)

== External links== 
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Simonyan, Margarita}}
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:1980 births]]
[[Category:Russian journalists]]</text>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-26T21:39:40Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Replace non-existent category, add documentation. Not signing your posts is not vandalism</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="874" xml:space="preserve">[[Image:{{{icon|Information.svg}}}|25px]] Hello. In case you didn't know, when you post messages on talkpages and Wikiquote pages{{#if:{{{diff|}}}|, as you did in [[Special:Diff/{{{diff}}}|this edit]]|{{#if:{{{1|}}}|, as you did on [[:{{{1}}}]]}}}}, you should [[w:Wikipedia:Signatures|sign your posts]] by typing four [[w:tilde|tilde]]s (&quot;&amp;#126;&amp;#126;&amp;#126;&amp;#126;&quot;) at the end of your message. You may also click on the signature button [[Image:Signature_icon.png]] which is above the edit window. This will put a signature containing your user name or [[w:IP address|IP address]] and the time you posted the message. This information is useful because other editors will be able to tell who said what, and when. {{{{{subst|}}}#if:{{{2|}}}|{{{2}}}|Thank you.}} &lt;!-- Template:Uw-tilde --&gt;&lt;noinclude&gt;
{{Documentation}}
[[Category:User warning templates|Uw-tilde]]&lt;/noinclude&gt;</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147953</id>
      <parentid>3147803</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T01:11:46Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Update to modern signature button icon</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="886" xml:space="preserve">[[Image:{{{icon|Information.svg}}}|25px]] Hello. In case you didn't know, when you post messages on talkpages and Wikiquote pages{{#if:{{{diff|}}}|, as you did in [[Special:Diff/{{{diff}}}|this edit]]|{{#if:{{{1|}}}|, as you did on [[:{{{1}}}]]}}}}, you should [[w:Wikipedia:Signatures|sign your posts]] by typing four [[w:tilde|tilde]]s (&quot;&amp;#126;&amp;#126;&amp;#126;&amp;#126;&quot;) at the end of your message. You may also click on the signature button [[Image:OOjs UI icon signature-ltr.svg]] which is above the edit window. This will put a signature containing your user name or [[w:IP address|IP address]] and the time you posted the message. This information is useful because other editors will be able to tell who said what, and when. {{{{{subst|}}}#if:{{{2|}}}|{{{2}}}|Thank you.}} &lt;!-- Template:Uw-tilde --&gt;&lt;noinclude&gt;
{{Documentation}}
[[Category:User warning templates|Uw-tilde]]&lt;/noinclude&gt;</text>
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    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Ivan Vasilievich Changes Profession</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>247486</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147543</id>
      <parentid>3113913</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:32:52Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>195.19.120.172</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Dialogue */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="968" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:Ivan Vasilievich: Back to the Future|Ivan Vasilievich Changes Profession]]''''' is a Soviet comic science fiction film directed by Leonid Gaidai in June 1973.

== Aleksandr Timofeyev ==
* If you were my wife... I'd hang myself.
* What, have you been released from the mental hospital yet?

== George Miloslavsky ==
* I successfully arrived...!
* Citizens! Keep the money in a savings bank... if, of course, you have it.
* I've seen the wonders of technology... but this...!
* Dear king, we are lost...

== Dialogue ==
:'''Anton Shpak''': Oh, you're rehearsing, Zinaida Mikhailovna!
:'''Zina''': We're... are... hearsing...
:'''Karp Yakin''': What rehear...? ''[in a whisper]'' Call the police...!
:'''Ivan the Terrible''': ''[stepping on him with his boot]'' Where to?
:'''Yakin''': Eh... I'm here, I'm here...

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:1973 films]]
[[Category:Foreign language films]]
[[Category:Soviet films]]
[[Category:Comedy films]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)/Season 13</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>247856</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147954</id>
      <parentid>3141616</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T01:14:30Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>APYESONE</username>
        <id>3127227</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>Steve said that line instead of Aaron.</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="69703" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)/Season 1|1]] [[Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)/Season 2|2]] [[Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)/Season 3|3]] [[Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)/Season 4|4]] [[Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)/Season 5|5]] [[Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)/Season 6|6]] [[Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)/Season 7|7]] [[Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)/Season 8|8]] [[Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)/Season 9|9]] [[Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)/Season 10|10]] [[Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)/Season 11|11]] [[Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)/Season 12|12]] [[Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)/Season 13|13]] [[Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)/Season 14|14]] [[Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)/Season 15|15]] [[Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)/Season 16|16]] [[Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)/Season 17|17]] [[Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)/Season 18|18]] [[Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)/Season 19|19]] [[Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)/Season 20|20]] | '''[[Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)|Main]]'''
----
&lt;br&gt;
'''''[[w:Hell's Kitchen (U.S.)|Hell's Kitchen]]''''' is an American cooking reality show based on [[w:Hell's Kitchen (UK)|the British program of the same title]], where Chef [[w:Gordon Ramsay|Gordon Ramsay]] puts aspiring chefs through different challenges and dinner services to decide who is the best.

=== Episode One [13.01] === 

:''[During the signature dish challenge]''
:'''La Tasha''': What I have here is a grilled hickory-rubbed watermelon.
:'''Gordon''': Seriously? You had forty-five minutes to make me anything, and you grill me a slice of fucking melon?
:'''La Tasha''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': The rub doesn't work. I'm disappointed, it's underwhelming! One! ''[to Fernando]'' Okay, young man, could you take your glasses off for one minute? How old are you?
:'''Fernando''': Twenty-eight.
:'''Gordon''': Stop! Harry Potter looks older! ''[audience laughs]'' Jesus, are you on a diet?
:'''Fernando''': It's enough.
:'''Gordon''': It's enough?!
:'''Fernando''': It's enough.
:'''Gordon''': ''[laughs along with the audience and contestants]'' For you or me?
:'''Roe''': Oh, shit!
:'''Gordon''': Okay, so what's the dish?
:'''Fernando''': Pan-seared pigeon, chef, with a sweet potato purée and a...California fig and balsamic reduction.
:'''Gordon''': You cooked the squab beautifully. Purée's just absolutely sublime. Congratulations, four.
:'''Fernando''': Thank you, chef.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Young man, first name is...
:'''Frank''': Frank.
:'''Gordon''': And you're Italian, right?
:'''Frank''': That's correct.
:'''Gordon''': Tell me what amazing Italian dish you have under that dome.
:'''Frank''': ''[removes lid]'' It's a filet mignon Bordelaise.
:'''Gordon''': Filet mignon Bordelaise. Does that sound Italian?
:'''Frank''': No, not Italian at all.
:'''Gordon''': ''[picks up bone]'' Frank, where's the dog? ''[audience laughs]''
:'''Frank''': Well, I mean, you've never had bone marrow before?
:'''Gordon''': Well, normally they take it ''out'' of the fucking bone!
:'''Frank''': Really? 
:'''Gordon''': Uh, yeah. So...''[takes out bone marrow with a knife]'' let's take out the bone marrow. Now it looks like the dog shat on my plate! Wish me luck.
:''[Gordon tastes the dish before spitting the bone marrow out]''
:'''Gordon''': This is all bad. Uh, one. 
:'''Frank''': I'm sorry.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Sterling?
:'''Sterling''': Yes, sir! My name is Sterling.
:'''Gordon''': You look so excited like you're about to piss your pants!
:'''Sterling''': ''[laughs along with the audience]'' I'm always one hundred!
:'''Gordon''': What's his hundred?
:'''Sterling''': I'm a hundred percent.
:'''Gordon''': O-kay! A hundred percent, right. Show me what you're made.
:'''Sterling''': I'm from the South, so I did shrimp and grits. 
:'''Gordon''': Jesus Christ! Look at the size of that...!
:'''Sterling''': I made it with love. 
:'''Gordon''': ''[after tasting the dish]'' Shrimp cooked beautifully. Unfortunately, I mean, it looks a mess! Three!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': ''[to JP]'' When you were cooking your signature dish, you finished with literally twenty minutes to go. Did you cook another one?
:'''JP''': Yes, I did.
:'''Gordon''': It better be amazing. ''[JP removes the lid]'' What is it?
:'''JP''': It is a Boston baked haddock with fingerling potatoes, haricot verts, and a lemon berblanc sauce.
:'''Gordon''': The fish is dry. ''[takes another bite of fish before spitting it out]'' The potatoes are solid. ''[picks up lemon]'' And that looks like something out of the 1970s. ''[audience laughs]'' You plate early, overcook the fish the second time around, and then send me undercooked potatoes. You're the only one tonight that actually cooked their dish twice, so... I'm struggling whether to let you come to Hell's Kitchen or just send you home. Do you want to go home right now?
:'''JP''': Not at all. It won't happen again, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Really? Uh, out of five, JP, you get a one.
:'''JP''': Sorry.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Gordon has found out that Janai has brought up 8 scallops instead of 10]''
:'''Gordon''': Hey Janai!
:'''Janai''': Yes, chef?
:'''Gordon''': Two times five?
:'''Sade''': (interview) Uhh... ''[laughs]''
:'''Janai''': Ten.
:'''Gordon''': Are you okay?! I'm missing two scallops! ''[Janai laughs]'' Not funny!
:'''Sade''': (interview; laughs)

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Gordon checks on lobster and scallops brought up by JP and JR]''
:'''Gordon''': Hey, HEY! All of you, come here! ''Look at that!'' Touch that! Look at what you're giving me!
:'''Fernando''': They're raw.
:'''Gordon''': It's still fucking moving! ''[smashes the scallops]''
:'''JR''': Sorry, chef.
:'''Santos''': (interview) Once the snowball starts, man, it doesn't stop!
:'''Gordon''': Raw lobster!
:'''JP''': That was my fault, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Jesus Christ!
:'''JP''': I'm dropping three more.
:'''Gordon''': JP!
:'''JP''': Yes, chef?
:'''Gordon''': '''JUST PATHETIC!!''' JR!
:'''JR''': Yes, chef?
:'''Gordon''': '''JUST RIDICULOUS!!'''
:'''Santos''': (interview) You’re sabotaging us! Thank you for the fucking snowball! ASSHOLES!!! ''[double flips]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Two chicken, two halibut!
:'''JP''': ''[to JR]'' We don't have another halibut. We can't serve that one, dude.
:'''Gordon''': Push them!!
:'''Steve''': HOW LONG DO YOU GUYS NEED ON THAT HALIBUT?!
:'''JP''': Right now, chef! (interview) Fuck it. I'll bring it up. Whatever. ''[to Gordon]'' Here's two pieces of halibut.
:'''Gordon''': ''[examines JP's fish]'' Oh, what have you done there? It's fucking... ''[to blue team]'' Blue team! ''[to JP]'' Come here, you!
:'''JP''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Steve]'' Chicken's cooked perfectly.
:'''Steve''': Thank you, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Look what's next to it, on the ''same '''fucking''' table!'' Look at ''that!''
:'''Frank''': (interview) Everything's fucked up in front of us. It's ''nuts.''
:'''Gordon''': And that is an example of the ''shit'' that's been coming out of that station all ''[slams fist on plate]'' '''FUCKING NIGHT!''' ''[to JP and JR]'' You, and you ''fuck off'' upstairs! GET OUT! '''FUCK OFF!!''' GET OUT!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Blue team! I cannot take ONE MORE MISTAKE!
:'''Blue Team''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': '''GET IT TOGETHER!'''
:'''Blue Team''': Yes, chef!
:'''Sterling''': (interview) I still believe my team can do it. I believe we're ''gonna'' do it!
:'''Gordon''': Halibut!
:'''Fernando''': Walking!
:''[Gordon checks on halibut brought up by Fernando]''
:'''Gordon''': Holy fuck! ALL OF YOU, COME HERE!
:'''Blue Team''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Fucking halibut's raw and cold!
:'''Fernando''': That was my fault, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, '''FUCK OFF!!''' ''[angrily throws the halibut away; points to every member of the Blue team]'' You, you, you, you, you, you and you '''FUCK OFF! GET OUT! GET OUT!!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Everyone in Hell's Kitchen starts at the bottom. Unfortunately, JP stayed there.

=== Episode Two [13.02] ===
:'''Gordon''': ''[tastes risotto brought by Janai]'' Mush. ''[returns to workstation]'' All of you! ALL OF YOU!
:'''Red Team''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Taste ''that!'' Quick!! It's like baby food, it's mush! Janai, it's overcooked! 
:'''Janai''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Not by two minutes, but by ten minutes!
:'''Janai''': Yes, chef.
:'''Jennifer''': (interview) Janai... &quot;Fuck, fuck, FUCK,&quot; is all I have to say! You're creating baby food! It looked like shit coming out the fuckin' blender!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': STOP! ''[throws spoon]'' STOP! Time-out! Time-out! Marino!
:'''Marino''': Yes, chef. 
:'''Gordon''': Get in here. You're Italian, taste that fucking shit risotto. ''[Marino takes a bite of the risotto]''
:'''Marino''': Mushy. 
:'''Gordon''': Overcooked lobster tail, overcooked scallops, and mush risotto. 
:'''Denine''': (interview) My hands are shaking right now. 
:'''Ashley''': (interview) Holy shit! 
:'''Gordon''': All of you, come here, yeah all of you. All of you, all of you. Get the fuck out. ''[sends the red team to the storage room]''. Get in there! GET IN! 
:'''La Tasha''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''[slams the storage room door]''. Have a ''fucking'' meeting, and sort it out. But when you walk back in that kitchen, if anyone hasn’t gotten their shit together, GAME OVER! 
:'''Red Team''': Yes, chef!  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': How long?
:'''Frank''': Is it already done?
:'''Steve''': ''[to Sterling]'' The halibut's ready!
:'''Sterling''': I'm not ready yet! Give me three minutes tops, man! Three minutes!
:'''Gordon''': Fucking hell.
:'''Steve''': I'm walking in one.
:'''Sterling''': Three minutes, man! I'm not serving that!
:'''Steve''': Then you better plate...
:'''Sterling''': THREE MINUTES!
:'''Steve''': ...and shut the ''fuck'' up!!
:'''Sterling''': Three minutes!
:'''Frank''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! ''[to Steve]'' Listen! Fucking pay attention! Pay attention to what's going on!
:'''Sterling''': ''[to Steve]'' Why would you send it up when my food ain't ready, man?
:'''Santos''': (interview) Really, guys? Really? It's not a measure of how big your cock is. Just put your food out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Blue team! Two halibut, two lamb!
:'''Steve''': Walking with the halibut!
:'''Fernando''': Lamb walking!
:'''Steve''': ''[to Gordon as he brings fish to the pass]'' Two halibut.
:'''Gordon''': Lamb! ''[Sterling doesn't respond]'' No answer. '''LAMB!!'''
:'''Sterling''': Lamb is one minute off! It's too rare, chef!
:'''Gordon''': One minute off?! Oh my God!
:'''Sterling''': That was too rare, but I got one! I got one ready! By the time I cut this, I'll be ready!
:'''Steve''': Go! COME ON!
:'''Fernando''': ''[to Sterling]'' If it's not good, don't slice it.
:'''Sterling''': It's good!
:'''Fernando''': Wait, check. Check it. Check first. It's raw! Don't slice it more! Just put it back!
:'''Sterling''': (interview; facepalms) Oh, no. What have I done now, man?
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Sterling]'' Hey, you! FUCK-WIT! Come here, you! Get me the ''fucking lamb!'' Get me the lamb!
:'''Sterling''': Fuck.
:'''Gordon''': '''ALL OF YOU,''' COME HERE!! HURRY UP, FERNANDO! ''[places raw lamb next to the halibut]'' Look how we are reverting to cooking.
:'''Sterling''': Fuck! ''[slams fist]''
:''[Gordon separates the halibut to show the raw center and slams his fist onto the plate; Sterling slams both fists down]'' 
:'''Gordon''': ''[throws fish onto the floor]'' SHIT!! HEY, ALL OF YOU! CAN YOU SLOW IT DOWN AND GET YOUR '''SHIT TOGETHER?!'''
:'''Blue Team''': Yes, chef!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': All of you, come here! Two salmon, two wellington, one pork, one lamb. ''[points to the lamb]'' Shit lamb, and the pork's where?
:'''Steve''': It's rare, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''[points at every single member of the blue team]'' One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight fucking idiots! Fuck off! Get out! Pathetic! Out! OUT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Cooking risotto is elementary. But tonight, I found out Janai is still in kindergarten.

=== Episode Three [13.03] ===
:'''Frank''': Spinach, cream of spinach.
:'''Gordon''': Fucking hurry up! COME ON!
:'''Frank''': Sorry about that.
:'''James''': Brussel sprouts!
:'''Frank''': In my hand, right here. ''[walks to the pass with garnish]''
:'''Gordon''': We're dying here! ''[checks Brussel sprouts in the pot]'' Why is it so black? ''[walks back to workstation]'' Hey, blue team, come here! This is the thanks I get. Too much fucking vinegar. They're black as fuck, look at that there. Fuck me. ''[pours Brussel sprouts onto a nearby plate]'' Look, you don't even know what they are.
:'''Bryant''': (interview) Big surprise. Frank fucked up on garnish. ''[sarcastically]'' Great job.
:'''Gordon''': There's the halibut. All the bits that's broken off and overcooked around it. Just touch the top of that. Come here! 
:''[Everyone on the blue team follows Gordon out of the kitchen]''
:'''Santos''': (interview) Where are we going? I have my proteins to watch. I–I... Fuck!
:'''Gordon''': It is ''bedlam'' in here! I'm done! ''[opens the pantry door]'' GET IN HERE! The dining room is filled with V.I.P.'s. Where's the communication gone?! GET A FUCKING GRIP! Have a meeting and PULL IT TOGETHER! NOW!!
:'''Blue Team''': Yes, chef!
:'''Sterling''': We got it, blue team! Let's go!
:''[Some of the men try to leave the pantry, but Gordon stops them]''
:'''Gordon''': I SAID HAVE A '''FUCKING MEETING!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gordon sees the raw lamb brought to the pass by Kalen]''
:'''Gordon''': Ah, fuck me. ''[walks back to workstation]'' Ladies! LADIES! ''[throws spoon]'' I mean, does anyone need glasses?! What is that?!
:'''Red Team''': Raw, chef.
:'''Kalen''': I'm sorry, chef.
:'''Denine''': (interview) Kalen talks a big game, but she's sending out shit! 
:'''Kalen''': Sorry, guys. 
:'''Denine''': (interview) Raw as day, dog shit on a fucking platter! 
:''[Kalen constantly opens the oven door]''
:'''Jennifer''': (interview) Kalen, just keep the oven ''shut.'' You keep letting out the heat.
:'''Andi''': STOP OPENING THE OVEN! STOP! 
:'''Gordon''': I need the proteins! '''MOVE!''' LET'S GO!
:'''Kalen''': Lamb can walk, please! 
:'''Gordon''': ''[checks the lamb again]'' That's still raw! ''[walks back to workstation]'' What are we serving?! 
:'''Roe''': Lamb.
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Kalen]'' Get it back in the fucking oven!
:'''Kalen''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': It's so fucking raw, it's still got its wool on it!
:'''Kalen''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': MOVE!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': FRANK!
:'''Frank''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Get a grip, yeah?!
:'''Frank''': I got it, chef. ''[to Aaron and Santos]'' You ready to go?
:'''Aaron''': No.
:'''Frank''': You ready to walk? I wanna see you walk.
:'''Aaron''': No! Stop, Frank! They're not ready! They're three minutes out, Frank! You just gave him the chicken veg for three minutes out.
:'''Gordon''': ''[spits out spinach after tasting it]'' All of you, come here! So Frank hits the window two minutes early! ''[to Frank]'' Just taste what you've given me. Taste that!
:'''Frank''': I just seasoned it!
:'''Gordon''': Taste that. And what's the one thing it's missing?
:'''Aaron''': Salt.
:'''Santos''': Salt and pepper, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Frank! Frank! FRANK!!
:'''Frank''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Fuck off upstairs! GET OUT!
:'''Frank''': Yes, chef. (interview) Messing up, it's like... I don't know. It's like a monkey and a wrench. A monkey, a wrench and a monkey. Monkey and a... That's not right. Hold on.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': WHAT IN THE '''FUCK''' IS GOING ON?! The salmon is raw... and the chicken is as dry as a fucking camel’s arsehole in the fucking desert storm! Look how stringy that is! ''[throws chicken]''
:'''La Tasha''': Heard, chef. 
:'''Gordon''': Hey no, no, no, not heard! ''[throws spoon]'' NO, STOP! That’s food leaving the kitchen expected to be served. No! No! No! NO! ''[slams the raw wellingtons and overcooked chicken]'' 
:'''La Tasha''': (interview) It feels like, I just took one, two, like three uppercuts straight to the gut. 
:'''Gordon''': Let me communicate something to you all: GET OUT! '''GET OUT!'''
:'''Wendy Williams''': ''[shocked]'' He’s kicking them out.
:'''Gordon''': And so much for Wendy Williams being a source of inspiration. V.I.P.’s?! You certainly didn’t treat them like V.I.P.’s! Pathetic! ABSOLUTELY PATHETIC!

=== Episode Four [13.04] ===
:'''Steve''': Where's that florentine, guys?
:'''Bryant''': In my hand! ''[to Gordon]'' Two florentine!
:'''Santos''': This is breakfast, guys. It's not fucking rocket science.
:'''Gordon''': Is that raw? Blue team! BLUE TEAM!!
:'''Bryant''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': COME HERE!
:'''Sterling''': It's ''raw'', man! 
:'''Gordon''': It's just–It's raw!
:'''Bryant''': Two more! Get two more!
:'''Gordon''': Move your arse, or ''take a seat with the students!'' First table! COME ON!
:'''Steve''': ''[to Bryant]'' I got these plates, though!
:'''Bryant''': No, no! I got ''this!'' You–you do that! (interview) I'm getting reamed here by Chef Ramsay, the team's just trying to be like, &quot;Yo, I got this. Just go over there.&quot;
:'''Sterling''': I got the station, man!
:'''Bryant''': (interview) I'm gonna get in there and fight! I don't want Chef to look at me like a little bitch! I'm not losing, I'm not giving up.  ''[to Steve]'' Don't you take over my station just 'cause I fucked up one dish! Now finish it up!
:'''Steve''': No, no, no! I got it! Just let me plate!
:'''Gordon''': Florentine! Let's go! ''[looks at florentines again]'' It's still raw!
:'''Sterling''': COME ON, Y'ALL!
:'''Gordon''': IT'S STILL RAW! RAW EGG ''AGAIN!''
:'''Santos''': (interview) Oh, man! NO!
:'''Gordon''': BLUE TEAM, '''STOP!''' That is your best?! ''Is it?!'' 
:'''Blue Team''': No, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Do they deserve better?!
:'''Blue Team''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': THEN, FUCKING DO IT!
:'''JR''': (interview) Bryant, you need to learn how to cook an egg, bro.
:'''Santos''': Bryant, what are you doing?!
:'''Bryant''': (interview) I'm just getting knocked down, man. And it's like someone taking a mallet and just being like, &quot;Boom, boom, boom, boom!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sterling''': (interview) Everybody's just like a bunch of slobs and a lot of fuck-ups! We really gotta get it together. ''[to the blue team]'' Coming up next! LISTEN TO ME, PLEASE! Coming up next: Four florentines, one French toast from this side, one crepe! That's the next order, okay?!
:'''Gordon''': Finally, someone fucking organizing them!
:'''Sterling''': (interview) Felt like I was doing orchestra.
:♫ French toast, crepes! Florentine, how long? ♫
:♫ French toast, crepes! Florentine, how long? ♫
:♫ French toast, crepes! Florentine, how long? ♫
:It felt good, man!
:'''Narrator''': Under conductor Sterling's masterful direction, the blue team gets back into harmony.
:'''Sterling''': Let's cook and do it with a fucking smile, man!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Steve is approached by JR as he prepares risotto with Sterling]''
:'''JR''': Hey, Steve. Touch this, tell me what you think.
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Steve]'' Hey! Why are you touching his meat?!
:'''Steve''': He asked, chef.
:'''Gordon''': FRANK!
:'''Frank''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': He's (Steve) up to his eyeballs in risotto, and he's touching JR's meat!
:'''Frank''': I don't know! I'm over here! I'm...Chef, we got it. I got it.
:'''JR''': (interview) Frank is pretending like he's doing something when he's really not. Get it together or go home.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gordon checks the scallops brought by Kalen]''
:'''Gordon''': All of you, come here! 
:'''Kalen''': ''[to Roe]'' Told you!
:'''Roe''': Well, then you should've got it right the first time!
:'''Gordon''': It's like a fucking joke! Just touch!  
:'''Roe''': (interview) No matter who cooked them, it's still got my name on it because I'm on fish station. Thanks, Kalen.
:'''Gordon''': Just touch.
:'''Kalen''': ''[to Roe]'' I said they were not ready!
:'''Sade''': So shouldn't have sent them if they're not ready! 
:'''Gordon''': STOP!! '''STOP!!'''
:'''Kalen''': Dammit!
:'''Gordon''': THEY'RE ACTUALLY OVERCOOKED! THEY'RE '''RUBBER!!''' ''[to Kalen and Roe]'' GET A GRIP! It's gone from bad to worse! You're not learning form your mistakes! Come here, both of you.
:'''Sade''': (interview) He is fucking flipping his lid.
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Kalen and Roe while pointing at the chef's table]'' Sit down, enjoy your scallops! Service!
:'''Roe''': (interview) Not a good feeling. I felt like I was sitting at the kids' table.
:'''Jennifer''': I'll re-fire!
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Marino]'' Two nice glasses of sauvignon blanc for the Saint-Jacques, please. Quickly.
:'''Roe''': (interview) Kalen, I mean, this is your fault. You failed!
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Kalen and Roe]'' Eat them!
:'''Kalen''': Eat them, eat them. (interview, facepalms) Ugh... Why did I put them up there?! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frank''': ''[to JR]'' I think it's undercooked. I'm telling you.
:'''JR''': No, it's not.
:'''Gordon''': JR, come on!
:'''JR''': ''[to Frank]'' Let's just walk it. (interview) Frank, shut the hell up! I've been cooking for eleven years. I know how to cook pork.
:'''Frank''': (interview) JR's an idiot. When that pork was ready to go, I said to him, &quot;Pork, cook it a little longer!&quot;
:''[Gordon inspects the halibut and pork brought by Santos and JR, respectively]''
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Santos]'' Halibut's cooked beautifully!
:'''Santos''': Thank you, chef! ''[bumps fists with Fernando]'' (interview) WOO-HOO!!
:'''Gordon''': Hey, blue team! Come here! That halibut is cooked ''beautifully.'' Good job.
:'''JR''': Thank you, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''[to JR]'' You didn't even fucking cook it! Why are you saying, &quot;Thank you?!&quot;
:'''JR''': Because we're a team, chef.
:'''Gordon''': What's funny?!
:'''JR''': Nothing, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Let me tell you something. The pork is fucking raw!
:'''Frank''': (interview) I told you to fucking–I...''[sighs]''
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Frank and JR]'' Back together ''in the oven!'' ''[slams fist on table repeatedly]''
:'''Santos''': (interview) Aw, man! Really?! I just put love into that thing!
:'''Gordon''': JR, how long?!
:'''JR''': One minute, chef!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': The rest of the table are fucking eating!
:'''Santos''': Yes, chef! One minute right now!
:'''Gordon''': And there's two ladies sat there with nothing in front of them!
:'''Santos''': I'm walking with salmon, guys!
:''[Gordon sends back the salmon brought to the pass and separates it to show that it's raw]''
:'''Steve''': Do we walk? You wanna walk?
:'''Gordon''': SHUT UP! ''[to Santos]'' COME HERE!!
:'''Santos''': (interview) When Chef Ramsay says, &quot;Come here,&quot; your heart just goes to your fucking feet.
:'''Gordon''': What does V.I.P. mean?!
:'''Santos''': Very important person, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Louder!
:'''Santos''': Very important person, chef!
:'''Gordon''': LOUDER!
:'''Santos''': VERY IMPORTANT PERSON, CHEF!
:'''Gordon''': '''LOUDER!!'''
:'''Santos''': '''VERY IMPORTANT PERSON, CHEF!!'''
:'''Gordon''': SO WHY ARE YOU SERVING '''RAW FUCKING SALMON?!''' ''[points at Sterling]'' Overcooked! ''[points at Santos]'' Raw! What's next?! 
:'''Santos''': Perfect!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': One chicken, one lamb! '''HOW LONG?!'''
:'''Frank''': Coming in right now, chef. Chicken right here.
:'''Gordon''': Lamb?!
:'''JR''': Forty-five seconds on the lamb, please. (interview) I'm trying to come back. I'm gonna make sure that the lamb is cooked perfectly. Chef Ramsay is ready to explode at any moment.
:'''Gordon''': ''[looks at the lamb]'' That looks like shit! ''[walks back to workstation]'' That's for Chris Bosh! Yeah, ''[throws spoon]'' fucking raw! Raw!
:'''JR''': (interview) It's just like... Fuck!
:'''Gordon''': ''[to JR]'' You, fuck off! Get out! ''[to Frank]'' You, GET OUT! ''[to Fernando and Santos]'' You two, FUCK OFF!
:'''Santos''': (interview) JR dropped the ball on the meat station. He fucked me, he screwed me over! He's the one that screwed up dinner service.
:'''Gordon''': Sterling!
:'''Sterling''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Get on meat! 
:'''Sterling''': (interview) What the fuck is going on?! 
:'''Gordon''': Steve, beet salad!
:'''Steve''': Yes, chef!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': I waited for JR to wake up and find his voice, but he never did. And so I let him sleepwalk out of here.

=== Episode Five [13.05] ===
:''[During the team challenge, Steve and Sterling taste calamari chowder and try to recognize the meat]''
:'''Steve''': Soup?! Where's the protein? (interview) You're eating it, and it's like, &quot;This could be anything. This could be anything, this could be anything!&quot;
:'''Gordon''': Hurry up! It's not lunch, guys!
:'''Steve''': Alright!
:'''Sterling''': Let's go, man!
:'''Gordon''': Come on!
:'''Steve''': ''[grabs scallop plate]'' Scallops!
:'''Sterling''': Scallops, chef!
:'''Gordon''': No!
:'''Sterling''': Clams!
:'''Gordon''': NO!
:'''Steve''': (interview) Your head's racing a mile a minute. You're just going nonstop, but I know it's gotta be something in the ocean. ''[to Gordon]'' Alligator!
:'''Gordon''': '''NO!''' Alligator chowder? What?!
:'''Ashley''': (interview; laughs) Time's a-tickin', fools. And you're fucking up!
:'''Sterling''': Cod.
:'''Gordon''': NO!
:'''Frank''': Fuck!
:'''Steve''': Monkfish!
:'''Gordon''': NO!
:'''Santos''': Come on, guys! Taste, taste it! (interview) Boys, just taste it! Put it in your mouth! Come on!
:'''Steve''': ''[to Sterling after tasting yet another meat]'' Squid. Come on.
:'''Gordon''': COME ON!
:'''Sterling''': (interview) Lord God, please hear my prayer.
:'''Steve''': Squid!
:'''Gordon''': YES!
:'''Sterling''': (interview) Can I get an amen?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Aaron is the last member of the blue team to guess the meat correctly during the team challenge]'' 
:'''Narrator''': With two dishes remaining, Aaron's on his own to identify the alligator.
:'''Santos''': ''[to Aaron]'' We got this! Come on!
:'''Aaron''': (interview) Oh my God. This is a really spicy dish. ''[to the blue team]'' It's so fucking covered up with shit!
:'''Sterling''': That's a Cajun dish, man! It's alligator! Alligator! (interview) Man, I'm from the dirty South! That's alligator right off the damn dome, you know?!
:'''Aaron''': Buffalo!
:'''Gordon''': No!
:'''Aaron''': Fuck!
:'''Sterling''': Alligator, man! It's Cajun!
:'''Sade''': (interview) Sterling is yelling, &quot;Alligator,&quot; but nobody is listening to him. I'm like, &quot;Yes! This is the perfect time for you guys to ignore his ass!&quot;
:'''Aaron''': Chicken!
:'''Gordon''': No!
:'''Aaron''': FUCK!
:'''Sterling''': No, alligator, man!
:'''Gordon''': Come on!
:'''Aaron''': Alright, Sterling! (interview) Sterling, I'm sure you're right right now! ''[to Gordon]'' Alligator!
:'''Gordon''': YES!
:'''Sterling''': ''[to Aaron]'' Thank you! THANK YOU! (interview) You ain't from the South if you can't recognize that shit there!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sade''': ''[brings mussels and capellini to the pass]'' Right behind, chef. Right here, chef.
:'''Gordon''': It's just cooked to fuck.
:'''Sade''': How you looking, Tash?
:'''La Tasha''': I'm looking good! Looking good!
:'''Gordon''': Hey, red team! Who just shouted, &quot;Looking good?&quot; Come here, all of you! Let me show you something that's looking ''shit!'' ''[to Kalen]'' That's you, ignorant lady! 
:'''Kalen''': Sorry, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Look at that. What in the fuck is ''that?'' Anybody?
:'''La Tasha''': A dry capellini, chef.
:'''Katie''': Cold, chef.
:'''Roe''': (interview) Kalen, you brought that capellini to Chef? Are you insane?!
:'''Gordon''': That looks like something that's been left over in the fucking pot wash. Start again! 
:'''Sade''': Yes, chef.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt; 
:'''Narrator''': Meanwhile, back in the blue kitchen...
:'''Gordon''': Scallops, risotto! How long?
:'''Aaron''': 30 seconds, chef! 
:'''Narrator''': ...it's up to Aaron on the fish station to complete the last order of appetizers.
:'''Aaron''': Walking with scallops!
:'''Sterling''': ''[brings risotto to the pass]'' Heard! Walking now. Risotto in the window!
:'''Aaron''': ''[brings scallops to the pass]'' Chef, scallops behind.
:'''Gordon''': This is a joke. ''[to the blue team]'' Blue team!
:'''Aaron''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': All of you, come here! Just touch that.
:'''Sterling''': Raw, man.
:'''Aaron''': Raw, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Fire one more scallop!
:'''Aaron''': Yes, chef!
:'''Steve''': Come on, Aaron.
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Aaron]'' Hey! I turn my back and they're raw. How?
:'''Aaron''': I couldn't--
:'''Gordon''': I deserve an answer!
:'''Aaron''': I wish I could give you an answer, chef.
:'''Steve''': Aaron, let's bounce back.
:'''Aaron''': All day, every day. (interview) We all gotta calm down, you know? Just relax. ''[exhales]''
:'''Gordon''': COME ON, AARON!
:'''Steve''': Here, here!
:'''Aaron''': ''[hands scallops to Steve]'' Walk!
:'''Sterling''': ''[pounding the workstation]'' Come on!
:'''Steve''': ''[brings scallops to the pass]'' Scallops, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Table two, John.
:'''Frank''': Nice work, guys. Nice work.
:'''Aaron''': (interview) See? I cook an amazing fucking scallop.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Meanwhile, back in the red kitchen...
:'''Sade''': ''[to Roe]'' Branzino and salmon garnish, you can go on that.
:'''Narrator''': ...Sade on fish is doing her part to keep the entrées flowing.
:'''Sade''': Can I walk this?
:'''Roe''': Yes, baby, you're up there! I'm ready.
:'''Sade''': Let's go! Wait, wh–where's the garnish? 
:'''Roe''': What?
:'''Sade''': Salmon and branzino.
:'''Narrator''': But Roe on garnish can't seem to keep up.
:'''Sade''': What's up?! You said you had it! (interview) It is so frustrating to have all of my proteins cooked perfectly, ready to go up, and I do not have cauliflower that is ready. It's extremely irritating.
:'''Gordon''': Where's the cauliflower?
:'''Sade''': ''[to Roe]'' I can't walk the protein before the garnish. Come on, you got that?
:'''Roe''': You're not the only one I'm fighting for.
:'''Sade''': (interview) Bitch, are you serious? Please!
:'''Gordon''': Red team! What did I say at the beginning of service?!
:'''Kalen''': Quick service, chef!
:'''Gordon''': ''[to the red team]'' Hey! All of you, come here! All of you! One, two, three, four, five. Yeah? And one ticket left in the blue. 
:'''Red Team''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': We're just destroying ourselves! So lackadaisical!
:'''La Tasha''': (interview) Chef Ramsay said that we're lackadaisical. As soon as I find out what that means, I'm gonna make sure that I'm never that way again!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': In Kalen's mind, her performance was flawless and every dish she cooked was perfect. Unfortunately for her, I live in reality. Dream on, Kalen.

=== Episode Six [13.06] ===
:'''Sterling''': (interview) Old McDonald had... No, we gonna do a remix!
:♫ Old McSterling had a pig ♫
:♫ OINK OINK OINK OINK OINK! ♫
:♫ And Aaron's eyes I wanna go ♫
:♫ DOINK DOINK DOINK DOINK DOINK! ♫

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gordon spits out risotto brought by Roe after quickly tasting some]''
:'''Gordon''': ''[returns to workstation]'' STOP! All of you, come here! ALL OF YOU! Taste that!
:'''Sade''': Add salt.
:'''Roe''': Salt.
:'''Gordon''': So that doesn't stink of garlic to anybody here...
:'''Sade''': Yes, it does, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ...or are you just kissing Roe's arse?!
:'''Sade''': No, chef. No.
:'''Gordon''': And that's the scallop for the V.I.P. guests. ''[to Katie and Roe]'' You and you, fuck off! GET OUT! '''GET OUT!''' ''[Roe throws her towel in anger]''
:'''Jennifer''': (interview) Raw garlic, raw scallops. 
:'''Gordon''': ''[to La Tasha]'' One scallop. ''[to Sade]'' You, one scallops!
:'''Sade''': Yes, chef.
:'''Jennifer''': (interview) You both fucking definitely deserve to get the fuck out of the kitchen!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': ''[checks scallops brought by Ashley]'' This is the chef's table.
:'''Andi''': Yeah.
:'''Gordon''': What are they doing, Andi? 
:'''Jennifer''': Keep talking, ladies! Come on, where are you guys at?!
:'''Gordon''': ''[returns to workstation]'' Hey, hey, hey. Come here. I'm not gonna embarrass myself for the third time in front of that table. Look at them, look. Just touch them. Touch.
:'''La Tasha''': I'm jumping on scallops.
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Ashley]'' Hey. Hey, you. Hey, come here. Let me whisper something very important to you here. Very important. ''[whispers in Ashley's ear]'' Fuck off. Get out. '''GET OUT!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Gentlemen, line up, please. Quickly. I was ready for a successful, smooth service tonight. It was about as smooth as the fucking wrinkles on my forehead. Embarrassing. I can't see the talent I thought I had. I'm actually worried because I don't even think I've got a winner on the heels of tonight's service. There's no winning team. Blue team, red team... think of two individuals that you wanna lose from your team. I wouldn't base it just on tonight's service. Time to clean the house. Get out of here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[During elimination]''
:'''Gordon''': Red team, have you reached a decision?
:'''Roe''': No, chef, we have not.
:'''Gordon''': No?! Are you kidding me?
:'''Roe''': I wish I was, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, come on, Roe. What ''have'' you got?
:'''Roe''': We have a split decision on two pairs, three and three, chef.
:'''Gordon''': A split decision on two pairs?
:'''Roe''': Yes, chef. Not the assignment, chef.
:'''Gordon''': So, it's four of you?
:'''Sade''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, what the fuck? I mean, this is so insane. ''[facepalms]'' This is so insane! I can't do this! All of you, fuck off in the red kitchen, and come back with two names!
:''[Later, the red team returns after quickly deliberating their nominees]''
:'''Gordon''': Red team, have you reached a decision?!
:'''Red Team''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': La Tasha!
:'''La Tasha''': Our first nominee is Katie. 
:'''Gordon''': Why?!
:'''La Tasha''': Because she's not starting strong and finishing strong throughout service.
:'''Gordon''': Second nominee and why?!
:'''La Tasha''': Roe. ''[pause]'' Roe started really strong for us, chef, but it's been mistake after mistake, and we don't see any growth.
:'''Gordon''': Blue team, have ''you'' made a decision?! 
:'''Blue Team''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Thank ''God'' for that!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Steve, why do you think you should stay in Hell's Kitchen?
:'''Steve''': I had a really bad night, chef, but I have proof that I do know how to cook. I take this competition serious, and my goal is to work for you, chef. I will not be back on this chopping block.
:'''Gordon''': Sterling.
:'''Sterling''': I don't talk about what I can do, I go out and do it! ''[to Steve]'' How many times have you sent ''anything'' back these last few services of mine?! And how many he done sent of yours?!
:'''Steve''': Dude, I fucked up one halibut tonight.
:'''Sterling''': No, you fuck up a lot! ''[Frank nods in agreement]'' 
:'''Gordon''': Unbelievable! The performances from both kitchens tonight were dreadful. The person leaving hell's Kitchen... Katie, give me your jacket. ''[walks up to Gordon with her jacket]'' You can cook, young lady, but you are not ready to be a leader.
:'''Katie''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Good night.
:'''Katie''': Good night. (interview) I most definitely could've handled Chef Ramsay. It was just the girls that I couldn't handle. Maybe I should have taken a chance at getting my eyes scratched out. I let strong personalities overcome me... and it sucks.
:'''Gordon''': I'm not done yet. I'm not gonna tolerate it. And I am ''not'' gonna continue banging my head against the wall. Take off your jacket...
:'''TO BE CONTINUED'''

=== Episode Seven [13.07] ===
:''[Continuing from last episode]''
:'''Gordon''': I am not gonna continue banging my head against the wall. Roe... back in line. ''[long pause]'' Sterling... take off your jacket. Your team have given up on you, I haven't. You're in the red team.
:'''Sterling''': Thank you, man. ''[hugs Gordon before joining the ladies]'' What's up, red team! I'm home! ''[high fives La Tasha and Jennifer]''
:'''Jennifer''': (interview) We are ''so'' screwed right now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Marino returns to the pass with calamari from the Italian consulate table]''
:'''Marino''': The Italian consulate, they told me the calamari are raw and got no flavor.
:'''Gordon''': Raw calamari, fucking hell. Unbelievable. ''[to red team]'' ALL OF YOU, STOP! ALL OF YOU! Have I got news for you, raw fucking calamari. Touch them, raw. Yeah, raw.
:'''La Tasha''': (interview) Ashley, what is happening? Undercooked? Seriously?!
:'''Gordon''': That's from the Italian Consulate table. WHAT IS GOING ON?! WHAT IN THE '''FUCK''' IS GOING ON?! ''[to Sterling]'' Any ideas now? All of you, get out! Just leave me alone! Get out! Get fucking out!
:'''Sade''': (interview) Again? Fuck me!
:'''Gordon''': '''GET OUT!! PATHETIC!'''
:'''Sterling''': (interview) From what I've seen so far, the red team is kind of a let down for me, it's just ridiculous.
:'''Jennifer''': Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
:'''Gordon''': Last ticket! Come on guys, MOVE!
:'''Fernando''': Alright, garnish is walking!
:'''Frank''': Okay.
:'''Fernando''': You coming with steaks?
:'''Frank''': Behind you. ''[brings his steaks to the pass]''
:'''Gordon''': Here we go, story of the night. Tagliatelle? ''[to Aaron]'' Give me a fucking time, you.
:'''Aaron''': Thirty seconds, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Thirty seconds.
:'''Santos''': (interview) I don't here any more yelling over there in the Red team, which means the girls just got kicked out, so we have to close this service down.
:'''Aaron''': Behind, two tag. ''[brings his tagliatelle to the pass]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God. Man. That is extraordinary. Happy now?
:'''Steve''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Steve]'' Yeah, fuck it. You start slow, he (Frank) sends raw food. Clear down.
:'''Aaron''': Yes, chef.

=== Episode Eight [13.08] ===
:'''Gordon''': Whose is this dish, here?
:'''Sterling''': ''[raises hand]'' It's my dish.
:'''Narrator''': From the red team, Sterling has served panko-breaded crab cakes with frisée salad.
:'''Sterling''': The key ingredient I used was love.
:'''Fraser''': What does love taste like?
:'''Sterling''': You're tasting it now.
:'''Aaron''': (interview) Guess what? Love's not a fucking ingredient, asshole! No way they picked Sterling's dish. If I had to describe Sterling's crab cake in one word, it'd be fast food.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': On order, and obviously not away, two risotto, two scallops.
:'''Blue team''': Heard chef!
:'''Fernando''': Scallops are not going to be a problem today.
:'''Narrator''': Fernando on the fish station...
:'''Gordon''': Why are you seasoning the scallops?
:'''Fernando''': I'm sorry, chef?
:'''Narrator''': ...has jumped the gun.
:'''Gordon''': You fucking heard me! Why are you seasoning scallops? ''[Fernando doesn't answer]'' What a fucking idiot!
:'''Narrator''': And Chef Ramsay has something to say about that.
:'''Gordon''': All of you, come here.
:'''Fernando''': (interview) Oh, fuck! Here we go.
:'''Gordon''': I'm going to call out the orders and after the first show, we're going to start cooking. You're seasoning the scallops. Why?
:'''Fernando''': I forgot about that.
:'''Gordon''': You forgot? We haven't even started and you just forgot, just like that. Hey Blue team, fucking wake up will you?
:'''Fernando''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Listen!
:'''Fernando''': I will chef. Fuck!
:'''Gordon''': I just, I don't fucking get it!
:'''Narrator''': While Fernando...
:'''Gordon''': Fucking Muppet!
:'''Narrator''': Begins dinner service already in the doghouse...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Frank, Sterling, step forward. ''[to Sterling]'' Sterling, why do you think you should stay in Hell's Kitchen?
:'''Sterling''': I know I'm strong! I'm built for this!
:'''Gordon''': Why are you stronger than Frank?
:'''Sterling''': Me and my personality shows through it all, every bone, every breath in my body. I'm here to fight.
:'''Gordon''': Frank, why do you think you should stay in Hell's Kitchen?
:'''Frank''': I'm the strongest I've ever been since I came here and stood by you. Um... I have the passion and the drive, everything that you want and need...I executed everything that you asked me to do. I'm going to win this. I ''will'' win this. I–I'm going to be next to you in the end... I have the passion and drive to do it. I mean, to just keep on repeating those words, it's not that they mean nothing to me... It's more than you know! You literally gave me a second chance, a third chance—
:'''Gordon''': Stop. My decision is... both of you. ''[Sterling and Frank are about to walk to Gordon with their jackets]'' Take your jackets... and yourselves back in line! Now. For the first time since you all entered Hell's Kitchen, truthfully I'm satisfied with the performance I got from both teams. And that is why I decided not to send somebody home. ''[Sterling and Frank hug it out]'' But... all of you, the bar is much higher. Because I know ''now'' that you can do it. You got it, Sterling?
:'''Sterling''': I need to change my underwear.
:''[Gordon stifles a laugh]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Tonight, I finally got a respectable service. So I gave them a little respect and didn't send anyone home.

=== Episode Nine [13.09] ===
:''[Steve heads back to the dorms after straining his knee during the blue team's punishment; Gordon goes upstairs to check up on him after learning of his absence in the kitchen]''
:'''Gordon''': Steve.
:'''Steve''': Chef Ramsay.
:'''Gordon''': Wow. This is a bit of a shock. That doesn't look good. What happened, bud?
:'''Steve''': Um, my knee...won't straighten out. 
:'''Gordon''': Damn.
:'''Steve''': All around here is all swollen...''[fights tears]'' and shooting pain.
:'''Gordon''': Uh, this is bad news. I'm sorry. ''[pause]'' And I think you know what this means.
:'''Steve''': (interview; buries face in his hands)
:'''Gordon''': The competition's going to get tougher, there's a lot of running around to do, more challenges. ''[Steve sighs]'' You cannot do it on one leg, and I am ''not'' comfortable with you even attempting. You should not be standing on this.
:'''Steve''': (interview) I'm pissed. I have to leave because of my fucking leg. It's heartbreaking to hear Chef Ramsay say I can't go any further. 
:'''Gordon''': It's tough, but you know what? 
:'''Steve''': What?
:'''Gordon''': You've been strong in that blue kitchen. I want you to walk out of here with your head up high...and just remember what you've done, what you've achieved. Okay?
:'''Steve''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Who knows? I may see you again.
:'''Steve''': I hope so. (interview) I'm not gonna let this break me. I'm gonna get my knee fixed so I can get better and get back in the kitchen. Chef Ramsay definitely hasn't seen the last of me or heard the last of me yet.
:'''Gordon''': ''[shakes Steve's hand before leaving]'' Bye, Steve.
:'''Steve''': Bye, chef. ''[sighs]'' Fuck.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frank''': Walking with the two lobster.
:'''Roe''': Hot, coming up, chef.
:'''Frank''': Here you go, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Lobster! ''[to Frank]'' Are those scallops in the pan yet?
:'''Frank''': Coming right now!
:''[Jennifer sees pan of raw scallops]''
:'''Jennifer''': (interview) Frank, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!
:'''Frank''': Thirty seconds!
:'''Gordon''': Come on, Frank!
:'''La Tasha''': Get it out! Go, Frank! Go!!
:'''Frank''': Scallops walking! Sorry about that, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''[flips over scallops]'' What has he done to them? Hey, red team! Come here, all of you! Just touch them. So heavily cooked one side and rubber as fuck on the other underneath! COME ON! GET IN TWO MORE PORTIONS! Someone needs to ''eat'' this, not play fucking tennis with it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gordon and Sous Chef Andi look at the lobster brought by Frank]'' 
:'''Andi''': Overcooked.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, red team, come here! Come here, come here! Steven Tyler's sat on the chef's table. What in the fuck–Just touch that! Yeah, it's fucking rubber! ''More'' overcooked than the scallops! What are you doing?! LOOK AT IT!
:'''Frank''': Yes, chef! I'm sorry! I apologize.
:'''Gordon''': Did you leave your brain in Vegas?! Fuck off, will you! ''[to red team]'' Hey, hey! All of you, come here!
:''[Gordon leads the whole red team into the pantry]''
:'''Frank''': Girls, it's my fault. I'm sorry.
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Frank]'' Hey, get in there! 
:'''Frank''': Fuck.
:'''Gordon''': This is what happens after a trip to Vegas? This is the payback? WHAT'S HAPPENING?!
:'''Frank''': I don't know, chef. I don't know why–
:'''Gordon''': IT'S OVERCOOKED!! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!
:'''Frank''': Right away. Coming right back, chef.
:'''La Tasha''': Bounce back, Frank. We need you! Come on. Get your head in the fucking game, man! Let's go! (interview) Come on, man. You're sinking us! 
:'''Roe''': Do I have tails for two risotto?!
:'''Frank''': Tails walking to the window!
:'''Roe''': Walking risotto!
:'''Gordon''': Where's the lobster?
:'''Frank''': Right here, chef.
:'''Roe''': I'm gonna need those scallops, Frankie!
:'''Frank''': Wait, the scallops?
:'''Jennifer''': (interview) Oh God. Here we go ''again!''
:'''Gordon''': He's standing there! He doesn't know if he's shit, shaving, or shampooing!
:'''La Tasha''': ''[to Frank]'' Let me do your scallop! (interview) I cannot believe this is happening!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andi''': ''[to Frank]'' You owe me a salmon because you fucking suck at fish station tonight!
:'''Frank''': I know, sorry chef.    

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Oh, dear. Interesting night. I mean, different night. Because while one kitchen continued to excel, the other took a step backwards. Congratulations, blue team. Great service! ''[To elaborate: Gordon never returned any of the blue team's food in this service, for any reason]''
:'''Blue Team''': Thank you, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Red team! The blue team finished seven tickets in front of you! Frank, what happened?
:'''Frank''': I didn't accept help, because I wanted to tell--literally show what I got, to try to get back into it. I just kept on trying to fight back and fight back, and I just--I fucked up my team and I didn't mean to do that. I feel like a piece of shit, and I apologize to everyone here, including yourself and the customers, and Steven Tyler.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gordon has asked the red team to nominate two people for elimination, except...]''
:'''Gordon''': ''[to himself]'' ...I can't do that. ''[to both teams]'' Wait! Blue team, red team! Come back! Hurry up! Red team!
:'''La Tasha''': (interview) Oh man. What's happening?
:'''Gordon''': Line up.
:'''Sade''': (interview) Whoa! What is going on?
:'''Gordon''': Uh, here's the thing. Sometimes, things happen in Hell's Kitchen, and we have to adapt. Steve left tonight because of injury, so we already lost a chef. And do you know what? Sometimes when this happens, I choose not to send anybody home. But that won't be the case tonight.
:''[Frank gives a disheartened look]''
:'''Gordon''': Sterling.
:'''Sterling''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Roe.
:'''Roe''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Jennifer.
:'''Jennifer''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': La Tasha.
:'''La Tasha''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''[beat]'' Say goodbye to Frank. Your time has come.
:'''Sterling''': ''[gives Frank a hug]'' Keep your head up, man. I love you, man.
:'''Frank''': I'm very, very, very sorry about tonight.
:'''Gordon''': Young man. ''[holds up a letter of gratitude that Frank wrote earlier]'' I '''really''' appreciate what you wrote to me. Unfortunately tonight, Frank...
:'''Frank''': I can't believe it.
:'''Gordon''': ...I didn't appreciate your cooking. Give me your jacket. Your time is done in Hell's Kitchen. ''[Frank gives Gordon his jacket]'' Thank you. ''[gives Frank a goodbye handshake]'' Good night.
:'''Frank''': Thank you.
:'''Gordon''': Good luck.
:'''Frank''': Thank you very much.
:'''Red and Blue Teams''': Bye, Frank.
:'''Sterling''': Love you, man.
:'''Frank''': ''[walking through the dining room, towards the front door]'' It's not my time. I can't believe I did this. ''[outside the restaurant]'' I feel sick to my stomach. The saddest part is that I didn't get to show Chef Ramsay I'm so much better than this, and that's what's really ripping me apart. But I still will always have the passion to do what I'm doing, and I still will succeed in life doing what I do.
:'''Gordon''': Elimination–trust me–can happen at any time, as was the case tonight.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Frank wrote me a letter with gratitude and then, with his performance tonight, he wrote his ticket out of here. Ciao, Frank.

=== Episode Ten [13.10] ===
:'''Fernando''': ''[to Gordon]'' Risotto, behind you!
:'''Gordon''': ''[after touching the risotto and cutting into the lobster]'' Blue team! 
:'''Blue Team''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': COME HERE! Just touch that! Touch it!
:'''Fernando''': Oh my God. That's from the fridge, man!
:'''Gordon''': Hey, hey, team! ''Touch '''it!'''''
:'''Santos''': Fucking cold. (interview) What the fuck is going on?! Aaron, how do you send a cold lobster?
:'''Fernando''': Come on, Aaron.
:'''Aaron''': You can't throw...
:'''Gordon''': Scallops are undercooked.
:'''Aaron''': ...fucking lobster tail in!
:'''Gordon''': Lobster's stone cold!
:'''Aaron''': ''Fuck!''
:'''Fernando''': Come on, man! Just tell us what you need! How–how long?
:'''Bryant''': ''[to Aaron]'' Put it on the burner, bro.
:'''Aaron''': No, I don't have to, dude! You don't throw cold lobster tail in! (interview) Every time Bryant touches something on my station, it's ''fucked!''
:'''Bryant''': I didn't touch your lobster tail. Take ownership! I didn't–I put it in right here in your butter. (interview) Aaron can't cook to save his life! ''[to Aaron]'' Calm the fuck down, dude. (interview) That's how you wanna be a team? Alright, man. Fuck you! I'm not doing none of your shit now!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andi''': Sterling, by yourself, you're doing two more capellini with two risotto, right?
:'''Sterling''': Yes, chef! (interview) I got all my pans gettin' hot, so I give myself a little music. Risotto, risotto, capellini, I'm hot!
:''[A brief music video for a song called &quot;My Name Is Sterling&quot; begins playing]''
:♫ '''Sterling''': My name is Sterling. ♫ Risotto right now!
:♫ '''La Tasha''': Everybody bounce, up! ♫ (interview) Come on, Sterling.
:♫ '''Jennifer''': Keep on the risotto, baby.
:♫ '''Sterling''': Risotto! ♫ (interview) Hot, hot, hot.
:♫ '''Gordon''': Risotto, how long?
:♫ '''Sterling''': I'm ready on risotto! ♫ Risotto, risotto, capellini, I'm hot! ♫
:''[The music video ends]''
:'''Sterling''': (interview) Damn! We got this!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Halibut garnish!
:'''Sade''': Halibut garnish is coming! ''[to Aaron]'' Let's go! Wellington's in the window!
:'''Gordon''': Beautifully cooked.
:'''Sade''': Thank you, chef. ''[to blue team]'' Come on, guys! We ''need'' those two halibut!
:'''Aaron''': Right now, right now!
:'''Sade''': Let's go! (interview) Like, seriously, Aaron? Get your shit together! I am putting up meat that is perfect.
:'''Gordon''': ''[sees Aaron running to the pass with halibut]'' Fucking hell. Come back, John, please. ''[separates the halibut and notices they're both raw in the center]'' Hey, blue team! 
:'''Bryant''': Yes, chef.
:'''Aaron''': Fuck!
:'''Gordon''': Raw halibut in the middle there...and raw halibut in the middle there.
:'''Fernando''': Aaron, you got two more, right?
:'''Sade''': ''[to Aaron]'' You got two more?
:'''Gordon''': Oh, fucking hell.
:'''Aaron''': Move, move!
:'''Bryant''': The fuck? (interview) Aaron is just a fucking ''wreck!'' ''[to Aaron]'' You don't even know what you're doing, man! (interview) That bitch can make desserts, but that's it! ''[to Aaron]'' You lost it. (interview) Fuck him!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The blue team walks back to the dorms after being named the losing team]''
:'''Bryant''': (interview) Dinner service was an absolute fucking joke! I'm not going down for it tonight. I'm not. I'm done playing nice. I–I'm seriously done. I am fucking ''done.''
:'''Aaron''': I'll probably be the first to admit that I've probably had the most ups and downs here. (interview) I own my mistakes. I had a bad fucking night! ''[to blue team]'' But I say Bryant.
:'''Bryant''': Yo, bro! Fucking heated right now, dude!
:'''Aaron''': Yeah?
:'''Bryant''': Yeah, you! I don't know why you tonight...I'm talking to you! You listened to her (Sade) more than you listened to garnish!
:'''Aaron''': Because she was more organized than you were!
:'''Bryant''': You can't listen and cook at the same time! You need a bullhorn at the end of the table here to tug over me to talk to you?!
:'''Sade''': Bryant, you're talking to him. Don't bring my name into this.
:'''Bryant''': Well, I'm asking him a question!!
:'''Aaron''': HEY!
:'''Sade''': You need to relax!
:'''Bryant''': I'm asking ''him'' a question!
:'''Aaron''': '''SHUT THE FUCK UP, WOULD YOU!?'''
:'''Bryant''': NO! '''FUCK YOU, DUDE!!'''
:'''Aaron''': Dude, calm down!
:'''Bryant''': NO, FUCK YOU!
:'''Aaron''': You asked a question, you wanted a response! I gave you one!
:'''Bryant''': THEN TELL HER TO '''SHUT THE FUCK UP!!'''
:'''Aaron''': HOLY ''SHIT!'' Are we all gonna agree, he and I are going on the block tonight, right?
:'''Bryant''': Well fuck all of y'all motherfuckers! I'm not going nowhere! ''[to Aaron]'' Yo, you suck, dog. I'm telling you right now, your ass is going, ''[points at Fernando]'' and I'm picking ''you!''
:'''Fernando''': Me?
:'''Bryant''': Yeah.
:'''Aaron''': Fernando?!
:'''Bryant''': From all around, from all up and down!
:'''Fernando''': (interview) What?! Fuck you! You know? ''[to Bryant]'' What are–What are my ups and downs?
:'''Bryant''': Look, you've already been up twice.
:'''Fernando''': No, it was only once.
:'''Bryant''': Okay. How about the other night? He couldn't hang in there on fish.
:'''Fernando''': Wait, what?
:'''Bryant''': No, I'm sorry. Not on fish. You couldn't–It was something. 
:'''Fernando''': Keep going. Keep going, come on. Keep going! Come on!
:'''Bryant''': Well, I'm still voting for you!
:'''Fernando''': (interview) Bryant's throwing words. Bryant, you know, your attitude sucks. You will never be able to fucking manage a brigade with that fucking attitude.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The blue team continues debating on who should be nominated for elimination]''
:'''Bryant''': ''[to Sade]'' We can't judge you at all. There's no way.
:'''Sade''': I mean, I've been here for three services, so judge how you want.
:'''Bryant''': That doesn't show anything though.
:'''Sade''': Okay, so then what are you saying?
:'''Bryant''': I don't know how to judge you right now.
:'''Sade''': Well, then you gotta find a way, honey. Because...
:'''Bryant''': Don't call me honey. I'm not your honey! Let's get that straight from the get-go. ''[Sade laughs]'' Or sweetie or any of these other fucking pet names!
:'''Sade''': (interview) Listen. I'm from Philadelphia. All that rowdy cursing, I deal with that on a daily basis. So seriously, Bryant. Simmer down, sweetie!
:'''Bryant''': Tell me–Tell me about me, then! Tell me about me!
:'''Aaron''': You? Where would you like to start?
:'''Bryant''': I don't give a fuck, bro. Get it out, man!
:'''Aaron''': You sent up raw scallops for me tonight!  
:'''Bryant''': Really?! You fucking couldn't justify to me showing that you're a weak-ass man!
:'''Aaron''': Well, I owned my shit tonight. I didn't even ask for help.
:'''Bryant''': You don't own shit! &quot;Oh, it's mine, chef! I did the scallops!&quot; Man, fuck that! I did the shit! I was gonna tell him!
:''[Flashback to dinner service, where Aaron took responsibility for the raw scallops as Bryant was telling Gordon about his mistake]''
:'''Aaron''': But you certainly didn't go, &quot;I cooked them.&quot;
:'''Bryant''': 'Cause I was like, &quot;Uh...!&quot; And you were like, &quot;Bluh-bluh-bluh!&quot; Shut the fuck up! You wanna talk?!
:'''Aaron''': You should've jumped on it!
:'''Bryant''': Motherfucker, how could I?! Chef was like, &quot;Argh!&quot;
:'''Aaron''': (interview) Bryant thinks that he's fighting to stay here, but I think he's staying to fight. ''[to Bryant]'' If you wanna go cap somebody, that'd be fine.
:'''Bryant''': I'm not fucking capping no one! I'm fucking talking to you like a grown-ass man!
:'''Aaron''': No, you're not.
:'''Bryant''': Like you need to talk to me! Yeah, I am!
:'''Aaron''': You're standing, we're all sitting here...
:'''Bryant''': That's right! I'm not sitting down!
:'''Aaron''': ...we're calm.
:'''Bryant''': I'm dominant more than you! That's why I'm standing!
:'''Aaron''': You're what?
:'''Bryant''': More dominant than you.
:'''Aaron''': No, you're not.
:'''Bryant''': Yes, I am.
:'''Aaron''': Not a chance in Hell, buddy.
:'''Bryant''': That's what's up, bro. We've set the fucking tone now. Everyone knows how the fuck I roll, man! Y'all can each vote for me–that's fine–but I'm not leaving!
:'''Aaron''': No executive chef in their right mind blows their fucking stack like that.
:'''Bryant''': Oh yeah? Would they work around some fucking pastry chef that thinks he can cook fish?! Y'all fucking barked up the wrong tree. You don't even know. I've stayed humble and peaceful the whole time, tried to support and encourage every fucking one of you! ''[to Aaron]'' Besides you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[During elimination]''
:'''Gordon''': Santos, based on everything that has happened since the day you stepped into Hell's Kitchen, who is the blue team's first nominee and why?
:'''Santos''': The first blue nominee, chef, is... Aaron.
:'''Gordon''': Aaron? That's based on everything so far?
:'''Santos''': Everything, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Explain it to me. Why?
:'''Santos''': Basically, he has peaks and valleys right now and you need to be consistent.  
:'''Gordon''': Second nominee and why?
:'''Santos''': Uh, the second nominee, chef... is Bryant. 
:'''Gordon''': Why?
:'''Santos''': He can cook, but tonight's demonstration of blowing up and then, basically, just losing it upstairs. He just totally let everybody and the team down.
:'''Gordon''': I don't give a fuck what happens upstairs. I care what happens when you step in to this kitchen to run my restaurant. Let's get that right. 
:'''Santos''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Aaron and Bryant, step forward. Bryant, why do you think you should stay in Hell's Kitchen?
:'''Bryant''': Chef, I think I should stay in Hell's Kitchen because from the beginning I've showed you that I'm a great chef and I feel like I have the strengths of a chef that you're looking for.
:'''Gordon''': Can you lead?
:'''Bryant''': Yes, chef, I can.
:'''Gordon''': Aaron, why do you think you should stay in Hell's Kitchen?
:'''Aaron''': Actually, chef, as much as I'd love to run a restaurant for you, ''[Sade looks surprised]'' I'd love to be a Michelin-star chef and I don't think winning Hell's Kitchen is actually gonna get me any closer to my goal. ''[Roe raises her eyebrows]''
:'''Gordon''': This is unbelievable. ''[Bryant raises his eyebrows]''
:'''Aaron''': It's... it is what it is. ''[Fernando shakes his head]'' I'd like to be master of my craft before I have to teach and lead it.
:'''Gordon''': Why have you come to that decision?
:'''Aaron''': I've never been pushed this hard to realize that the things I do not know. ''[Sade looks puzzled]''
:'''Gordon''': Wow.
:'''Aaron''': For me, ''[Bryant turns his head to Aaron]'' I need more education. I'd like more education. ''[Roe shakes her head]''
:'''Gordon''': I think you would've learned a lot more here ''[Aaron lowers his head]'' and you're not willing to fight for it ''[Aaron shrugs, Sade shrugs, and Roe rolls her eyes]''. Yeah I'm not gonna waste my time with you any longer. Give me your jacket please.
:''[Aaron unbuttons his jacket]''
:'''Bryant''': Hey, man ''[handshakes Aaron]''. Good luck. ''[Santos shakes his head]''
:'''Aaron''': ''[handshakes Gordon and surrenders his jacket]'' Thank you for the education, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Good luck.
:'''Aaron''': Thank you. ''[exits the building]''
:'''Gordon''': Disappointing.
:'''Aaron''': (exit interview, voiceover) When I first came to Hell's Kitchen, I wanted the Executive Chef spot, but this is one of the hardest things I had to do in my life, physically, mentally, emotionally... It's ten thousand times more difficult to cook in Hell's Kitchen than it is in any other situation.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': I found it quite strange that Aaron didn't even have the will to succeed. He clearly didn't belong in Hell's Kitchen.

=== Episode Eleven [13.11] ===
:'''Gordon''': Blue Team, they're (Red Team) plating!
:'''Fernando''': Yes, chef!
:'''Bryant''': I'm ready to plate, guys! Ready to plate! Come on!
:'''Fernando''': (interview) Both kitchens have to deliver at the same time, but everything has to be cooked to perfection. That's it. That's all he wants. ''[to Santos]'' In the middle, okay? Make sure you get in four per pan!
:'''Santos''': We're good?
:'''Sade''': No! We don't have enough. (interview) We are so screwed right now. It's going to take a very long time to re-fire. 
:'''Gordon''': Fucking hell. Ran out of fucking risotto. How many portions are we short? ''[to Fernando]'' Hey! Tell me, please!
:'''Santos''': Two short.
:'''Gordon''': Two short?! ''[throws spoon; to Fernando]'' Hey, you, ''come here!'' You've ran out of risotto. ''[to the rest of the Blue Team]'' Hey. Hey, stop. Stop! We're not serving until we're ''all together!''
:'''Santos''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': They deserve to be served ''at the '''same time!'''''
:'''Bryant''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': We are not serving this course until we're '''''all together!'''''
:'''Sade''': Come on, Fernando. How long?
:'''Fernando''': Give me a minute.
:'''Sade''': Alright, hurry up. (interview) Come on, Fernando! You're supposed to be an executive chef. You should know a little bit better than that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Fernando's cooking was adequate, but his leadership was lacking. Being my next head chef requires both.

=== Episode Twelve [13.12] ===
:'''Narrator''': While the blue team works on their communication, back in the red kitchen, Sterling is hoping to make a bold statement with his scallops.
:'''Sterling''': Scallops to the window!
:'''Roe''': (interview) Sterling please get these scallops out!
:'''Gordon''': ''[to takes raw scallop out of Sterling's batch]'' Red team! RED TEAM!
:'''Red Team''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Four scallops cooked properly, and one raw.
:'''Sterling''': MAN!
:'''Gordon''': One raw! Hey, do we need to change stations?!
:'''Jennifer''': (interview) That's a good idea.
:'''Roe''': (interview) Of course.
:'''La Tasha''': (interview) Hell, yeah!
:'''Sterling''': ''[to Gordon]'' NO!
:'''Gordon''': At this stage, it's driving me MAD! You're not learning from your mistakes! Just stop! I've had enough. All of you, get in there and have a meeting, will you?!
:'''La Tasha''': (interview) Come on, Sterling! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''La Tasha''': ''[to Sterling as the red team walks into the pantry]'' Sterling, can you do this?!
:'''Sterling''': I can do this, man!
:'''La Tasha''': Well, what's happening?
:'''Jennifer''': Sterling, let me tell you! Do not pull a Frank right now! If you need help...
:'''Sterling''': I'm not pulling no Frank! '''I GOT THIS!!'''
:'''Jennifer''': ...we can change!
:'''Roe''': One more thing comes back, we'll switch.
:'''Sterling''': Alright, I'll switch! One more thing, I'll switch!
:''[The red team runs back into the kitchen]''
:'''Jennifer''': ''[to Sterling]'' One more, and we're done!
:'''Sterling''': And I'll switch!
:'''La Tasha''': ''[to Sterling]'' Behind you, eggplant!
:'''Jennifer''': (interview) I'm so close to just yanking the fucking scallops, and trying to cook them over on the fucking meat station right now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': It wasn't a bad service, but it wasn't the kind of service I was hoping to get. But there is one thing I am sure about. ''[pause]'' Sterling. Step forward. ''[Sterling walks to Gordon]'' Sterling, you have been a phenomenal, relentless competitor... but I know that you're not ready to be my next head chef. Okay?
:'''Sterling''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You've been a joy to be around, and you've put smiles on all of our faces. And because of that, I want you to keep your jacket.
:'''Sterling''': ''[hugs Gordon]'' That's what's up, man. Thank you!
:'''Gordon''': And let that be a reminder of what you've achieved in this competition.
:'''Sterling''': Thank you so much!
:''[La Tasha and Santos smile while Sade and Jennifer try not to cry]''
:'''Gordon''': Listen, continue cooking.
:'''Sterling''': I will, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You will always be 100 to me. Time to head up to the dorms and pack your bags.
:'''Sterling''': Yes, chef. This has been the greatest opportunity of my life, man. Can I hug everybody before I go?
:'''Gordon''': Whatever you want.
:'''Sterling''': Alright! I'm gonna miss y'all!
:''[Sterling goes up to everyone on both teams for a farewell hug]''
:'''Sade''': I'll miss you, too, Sterling.
:'''Sterling''': (interview) 100 is no longer part of Hell's Kitchen, but I learned a whole lot. I was all happy-go-lucky at first... ''[to Roe]'' Hey, have a good time, okay? (interview) Some of the other chefs told me I didn't deserve to be here... ''[to Gordon before leaving the kitchen]'' Thank you, chef, for the opportunity! I love you, man! (interview) It made me come back even stronger. I had to make myself better and I did that. And on top of that, I got too many wins in challenges. I'm a leader, and it took me coming all the way to California to realize that. I might not have won Hell's Kitchen, but I got something that nobody in Hell's Kitchen have never accomplished—I got Chef Ramsay's heart!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Sterling went further in this competition than I thought he would. And even though he was always at 100, it wasn't enough to earn him a black jacket.

=== Episode Thirteen [13.13] ===
:'''Gordon''': Santos dodged a bullet in the last two nominations, but tonight, there was nowhere to hide.

=== Episode Fourteen [13.14] ===
:'''Gordon''': Roe thought she would row, row, row herself into the final four, but her performance tonight in the kitchen put her up a creek with no paddles.

=== Episode Fifteen [13.15] ===

=== Episode Sixteen [13.16] ===
:'''Frank''': ''[to Bryant]'' Is that too overcooked for you or no?
:'''Bryant''': It tastes burnt. Yeah, fix it.
:'''Frank''': (interview) I tasted it. I thought it was unbelievable, but do whatever you want.
:'''Bryant''': You're about three minutes away. You need to get the fuck out of this kitchen, dude.
:'''Frank''': No, Bryant, I will get it for you!
:'''Bryant''': I'm fucking serious, Frank! (interview) My menu is supposed to be Frank-proof. Can you imagine if this menu was any harder?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Bryant continues to wait on garnish from Frank]''
:'''Bryant''': Two halibut, two pork, two rib eye! How long?!
:'''Jennifer''': ''[to Frank]'' Can you walk?!
:'''Santos''': I can walk!
:'''Jennifer''': Frankie, garnish!
:'''Frank''': No, I got the mash coming with that!
:'''Bryant''': What about broccolini?
:'''Frank''': Then, the broccolini!
:'''Bryant''': How long?
:'''Jennifer''': This is ridiculous! (interview) Frankie's fucking us up right now. It's just unreal.
:'''Bryant''': ''[to Frank]'' Broccolini, how long?! ''[Frank doesn't respond]''
:'''Santos''': Come on, Frank!
:'''Sterling''': TALK TO HIM, FRANK!
:'''Frank''': A minute and a half! (interview) I've been giving him pretty fucking accurate times. If anything, I'm off by a minute. I mean...it's ''pretty fucking accurate.''
:'''Jennifer''': Get it together, Frank! KEEP TALKING!
:'''Frank''': Yes.
:'''Jennifer''': Yes is not a proper response! 
:'''Bryant''': Look! Alright, you know what? (interview) At this point, I can't let them run me. ''[to Frank]'' I need to send this food ''now'', dude. People are getting pissed off and they're tired of waiting! (interview) I need to do anything I possibly can! 
:'''Frank''': Look, I—
:'''Bryant''': You know what, you know what? ''[waves hand]'' See you later, man. I'm sorry, I didn't like this...
:'''Frank''': I'm sorry, man.
:'''Bryant''': ...but I'm fucking serious! ''[to Sterling]'' Sterling, I need you here...
:'''Sterling''': Yes, chef!
:'''Bryant''': ...to run this damn station!
:'''Sterling''': Yes, chef!
:'''Bryant''': ''[to Frank]'' Bye-bye!
:'''Frank''': ''[starts walking out of the kitchen]'' Fuck!
:'''Bryant''': Let's go, Sterling.
:'''Sterling''': Yes, chef! Thirty seconds, chef!
:''[Frank makes his way upstairs to the dorms]'' 
:'''Frank''': (interview) I started off a little slow, but everything was going perfect. Everything ''was'' perfect. Dude, what just happened was so beyond fucked up. ''[angrily slaps the couch]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': La Tasha has all the right ingredients to be a great chef. She's creative, a strong leader, has great attention to detail and has an outstanding palate. But the thing I love most about La Tasha, is her determination. I know that she's ready for the challenge of being my head chef in Atlantic City and I couldn't be happier.

[[Category:Hell's Kitchen seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>islncpd85e7ioigtxpq2aylawxfteoc</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Template:Vandalism information/descriptions</title>
    <ns>10</ns>
    <id>248258</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147806</id>
      <parentid>3126139</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T21:44:24Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Remove redlink category, this isn't wikipedia!</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1283" xml:space="preserve">&lt;includeonly&gt;{{#switch:{{{1|{{{level}}}}}}
| 1 = Very high level of {{#if: {{{plain|}}}|vandalism|[[Wikipedia:Vandalism|vandalism]]}}.
| 2 = High level of {{#if: {{{plain|}}}|vandalism|[[Wikipedia:Vandalism|vandalism]]}}.
| 3 = Moderate to high level of {{#if: {{{plain|}}}|vandalism|[[Wikipedia:Vandalism|vandalism]]}}.
| 4 = Low to moderate level of {{#if: {{{plain|}}}|vandalism|[[Wikipedia:Vandalism|vandalism]]}}.
| 5 = Very low level of {{#if: {{{plain|}}}|vandalism|[[Wikipedia:Vandalism|vandalism]]}}.
| Vandalism levels unknown.
}}&lt;/includeonly&gt;&lt;noinclude&gt;
These are the centralized descriptions for the [[Template:Vandalism information|Vandalism information]] indicators:
{| class=&quot;wikitable&quot;
 ! LEVEL || Description || RPM Stat on Huggle
 |-
 | 1 || {{Vandalism information/descriptions|level=1}} || 8 or more
 |-
 | 2 || {{Vandalism information/descriptions|level=2}} || 7.0–7.9
 |-
 | 3 || {{Vandalism information/descriptions|level=3}} || 5.0–6.9
 |-
 | 4 || {{Vandalism information/descriptions|level=4}} || 2.0–4.9
 |-
 | 5 || {{Vandalism information/descriptions|level=5}} || 2 or less
 |-
 | 0 || {{Vandalism information/descriptions|level=0}} || Unknown
|}

If called with &lt;var&gt;plain&lt;/var&gt; set to any text, the word &quot;vandalism&quot; won't be linked.

&lt;/noinclude&gt;</text>
      <sha1>dvou2ho2yx8o0hrc91zft4p51wvg308</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>User:Ilovemydoodle/Template:ConfirmedSockpuppet</title>
    <ns>2</ns>
    <id>248302</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147827</id>
      <parentid>3142870</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T22:10:30Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>wrap categories in &lt;includeonly&gt; to prevent addition of unwanted categories to this page</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="604" xml:space="preserve">&lt;div class=&quot;user-block&quot; style=&quot;background: #ffcda0; border: 1px solid #886644; padding: 0.5em; margin: 0.5em 6.0em; min-height: 40px;&quot;&gt;
[[File:Modern clock chris kemps 01 with Octagon-warning.svg|40px|left|alt=Stop icon with clock]]
This user has been '''''[[Wikiquote:Blocking policy|{{red|indefinitely blocked}}]]'''''&amp;#8201;&amp;#8201;&amp;#8201; from editing for being a [[w:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet|sockpuppet]] of {{#ifeq:{{{lta}}}|false|{{User|{{{1}}}}}|long-term abuser [[w:WP:LTA/{{{1}}}|{{{1}}}]]}}.&lt;/div&gt;

&lt;includeonly&gt;
[[Category:Sockpuppets of {{{1}}}]]
[[Category:Confirmed sockpuppets]]
&lt;/includeonly&gt;</text>
      <sha1>6wkkks79gtj6f4mjooly770og9104x9</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>User talk:Wislawaszym</title>
    <ns>3</ns>
    <id>248322</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147436</id>
      <parentid>3147274</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T14:21:35Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Antandrus</username>
        <id>237630</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>rvv lta</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="19" xml:space="preserve">
{{BlockedLTA|GRP}}</text>
      <sha1>l8v4fmwackpiiyn5bx105ymwaqf0vgu</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Template:Require substitution</title>
    <ns>10</ns>
    <id>248393</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147649</id>
      <parentid>3127695</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T18:55:24Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Fix now that template has been renamed, add doccumentation</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="459" xml:space="preserve">{{
  {{{|safesubst:}}}#if:{{{nosubst|{{{subst|}}}}}}{{ {{{|safesubst:}}}issubst}}
  | {{{1|}}}
  |{{ {{{|safesubst:}}}error
       | This template must be [[w:Wikipedia:Template substitution|substituted]]{{
           #if:{{{template|}}}
           |. Replace &lt;nowiki&gt;{{&lt;/nowiki&gt;{{{template}}} ...&lt;nowiki&gt;}} with {{&lt;/nowiki&gt;subst:{{{template}}} ...&lt;nowiki&gt;}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;
         }}.}} &lt;span style=&quot;visibility:hidden&quot;&gt;
}}&lt;noinclude&gt;
{{Documentation}}&lt;/noinclude&gt;</text>
      <sha1>k8dnbdmdjpo4av3wu8nbfd1swo8dyj7</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Template:Error</title>
    <ns>10</ns>
    <id>248394</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147632</id>
      <parentid>3127676</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T18:43:24Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>UDScott moved page [[Template:Error2]] to [[Template:Error]] without leaving a redirect</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="102" xml:space="preserve">{{#invoke:Error|error|{{{message|{{{1}}}}}}|tag={{{tag|}}}}}&lt;noinclude&gt;
{{documentation}}
&lt;/noinclude&gt;</text>
      <sha1>axsripqkyjus55mon24y6efvuedy0d2</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Template:Uw-vfd2</title>
    <ns>10</ns>
    <id>248534</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147634</id>
      <parentid>3146646</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T18:43:57Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>UDScott moved page [[Template:Uw-afd2]] to [[Template:Uw-vfd2]] without leaving a redirect</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="544" xml:space="preserve">{{{icon|[[File:Information orange.svg|25px|alt=Information icon]]}}}Please do not remove [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion|Votes for deletion]] notices from pages or remove other people's comments in Votes for deletion discussions{{&lt;includeonly&gt;safesubst:&lt;/includeonly&gt;#if:{{{1|}}}|, as you did with [[:{{{1|}}}]]}}. Doing so won't stop the discussion from taking place. You are, however, welcome to comment about the proposed deletion on the appropriate page. {{{2|Thank you.}}}&lt;!-- Template:uw-afd2 --&gt;&lt;noinclude&gt;
{{Documentation}}

&lt;/noinclude&gt;</text>
      <sha1>199f11kfnnici5zge9ikm58pnpa78wf</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Template:Uw-vfd3</title>
    <ns>10</ns>
    <id>248536</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147635</id>
      <parentid>3146647</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T18:44:14Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>UDScott moved page [[Template:Uw-afd3]] to [[Template:Uw-vfd3]] without leaving a redirect</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="291" xml:space="preserve">{{&lt;includeonly&gt;safesubst:&lt;/includeonly&gt;Uw3
|page={{{1|}}}
|extra={{{2|}}}
|reason={{{reason|remove [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion|Votes for deletion]] notices or comments from pages and Votes for deletion discussions}}}
}}&lt;!-- Template:uw-afd3 --&gt;&lt;noinclude&gt;

{{Documentation}}

&lt;/noinclude&gt;</text>
      <sha1>doimlmiph0ybgr2klxc3u0tkk9x45rq</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Template:Uw-vfd4</title>
    <ns>10</ns>
    <id>248537</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147636</id>
      <parentid>3146648</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T18:44:27Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>UDScott moved page [[Template:Uw-afd4]] to [[Template:Uw-vfd4]] without leaving a redirect</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="270" xml:space="preserve">{{&lt;includeonly&gt;safesubst:&lt;/includeonly&gt;Uw4
|page={{{1|}}}
|extra={{{2|}}}
|reason={{{reason|remove an [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion|Votes for deletion]] notice or a comment from an VfD discussion}}}
}}&lt;!-- Template:uw-afd4 --&gt;&lt;noinclude&gt;
{{Documentation}}

&lt;/noinclude&gt;</text>
      <sha1>qg9fl3d70lgrf6vbf4pjos1on4kgunm</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Template:Uw-afd5</title>
    <ns>10</ns>
    <id>248539</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147400</id>
      <parentid>3130059</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T13:18:41Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Nominate for deletion</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="485" xml:space="preserve">{{vfd-template-new|Uw-afd5}}
[[File:Stop x nuvola.svg|left|40px]] You have been temporarily [[Wikipedia:Blocking policy|blocked]] for repeatedly removing [[Wikipedia:Articles for deletion|Articles for deletion]] notices and comments from {{{{{subst|}}}#if:{{{1|}}}|[[:{{{1|}}}]]|pages}} in violation of the [[Wikipedia:Three-revert rule|three-revert rule]] despite being asked not to do so. If you wish to cooperate with the community, you are welcome to do so after the block expires.</text>
      <sha1>jvktjxjk86jbirjj79oj3ty88w5wbv7</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Template:Ensure AAA contrast ratio</title>
    <ns>10</ns>
    <id>248563</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147411</id>
      <parentid>3130443</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T13:25:21Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Nominate for deletion</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="372" xml:space="preserve">{{vfd-template-new|Template:Ensure AAA contrast ratio}}
&lt;includeonly&gt;{{#if:{{{base|}}}|{{#ifexpr:{{#invoke:Color contrast|ratio|{{{base}}}|{{{other|}}}|error=21}} &lt; 7 OR {{#invoke:Color contrast|ratio|{{{base}}}|black|error=0}} &lt; 7 AND {{#invoke:Color contrast|ratio|{{{base}}}|white|error=0}} &lt; 7|{{{category|}}}}}}}&lt;/includeonly&gt;&lt;noinclude&gt;
{{Documentation}}&lt;/noinclude&gt;</text>
      <sha1>c3ass7kbzdjg3fgoexiej01brdcyfof</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147413</id>
      <parentid>3147411</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T13:25:35Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Fix</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="363" xml:space="preserve">{{vfd-template-new|Ensure AAA contrast ratio}}
&lt;includeonly&gt;{{#if:{{{base|}}}|{{#ifexpr:{{#invoke:Color contrast|ratio|{{{base}}}|{{{other|}}}|error=21}} &lt; 7 OR {{#invoke:Color contrast|ratio|{{{base}}}|black|error=0}} &lt; 7 AND {{#invoke:Color contrast|ratio|{{{base}}}|white|error=0}} &lt; 7|{{{category|}}}}}}}&lt;/includeonly&gt;&lt;noinclude&gt;
{{Documentation}}&lt;/noinclude&gt;</text>
      <sha1>aiimnfqsbr4bcqftmnh2mn0rmi9urmb</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Template:Uw-editsummary2</title>
    <ns>10</ns>
    <id>248612</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147896</id>
      <parentid>3131345</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T23:27:21Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Not protected</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1524" xml:space="preserve">{{{icon|[[File:Information.svg|25px|alt=Information icon|link=]]}}} Hello. I have noticed that you {{usertalk other|[https://xtools.wmflabs.org/editsummary/en.wikiquote.org/{{urlencode:{{subst:&lt;noinclude/&gt;BASEPAGENAME}}|PATH}} often]|often}} edit without using an [[Help:Edit summary|edit summary]]. Please do your best to '''always fill in the summary field'''. This helps your fellow editors use their time more productively, rather than spending it unnecessarily scrutinizing and verifying your work. Even a short summary is better than no summary, and summaries are particularly important for large, complex, or potentially controversial edits. To help yourself remember, you may wish to check the &quot;prompt me when entering a blank edit summary&quot; box in [[Special:Preferences#mw-prefsection-editing|your preferences]]. {{{more|Thanks!}}} &lt;!-- Template:Summary2 --&gt;&lt;noinclude&gt;
{{documentation|content=
{{subst only|auto=yes}}
{{Twinkle standard installation}}

A shorter variation of {{tls|Uw-editsummary}} that is targeted at experienced users who don't need to be taught how to use edit summaries.

== Usage ==
&lt;pre&gt;{{subst:Summary2}} ~~~~&lt;/pre&gt;

== Parameters ==
&lt;templatedata&gt;
{
	&quot;params&quot;: {
		&quot;icon&quot;: {
			&quot;description&quot;: &quot;Changes the icon used&quot;,
			&quot;type&quot;: &quot;wiki-file-name&quot;
		},
		&quot;more&quot;: {
			&quot;description&quot;: &quot;Adds extra text onto the end of the message, replacing \&quot;thanks\&quot;&quot;
		}
	}
}
&lt;/templatedata&gt;

== See also ==
*{{tls|Uw-editsummary}}

{{Single notice links}}

[[Category:User warning templates]]
}}&lt;/noinclude&gt;</text>
      <sha1>41p6dikqksubj4iic5pxktaktwahllt</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Template:Usertalk other</title>
    <ns>10</ns>
    <id>248613</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147698</id>
      <parentid>3131342</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T19:59:30Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Remove useless documentation consisting of a broken &quot;this needs documentation&quot; template</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="438" xml:space="preserve">{{#switch:
  &lt;!--If no or empty &quot;demospace&quot; parameter then detect namespace--&gt;
  {{#if:{{{demospace|}}}
  | {{lc: {{{demospace}}} }}    &lt;!--Use lower case &quot;demospace&quot;--&gt;
  | {{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|{{ns:User talk}}
    | user talk
    | other
    }}
  }}
| user talk = {{{1|}}}
| other
| #default = {{{2|}}}
}}&lt;!--End switch--&gt;&lt;noinclude&gt;

{{documentation}}
&lt;!-- Add categories and interwikis to the /doc subpage, not here! --&gt;
&lt;/noinclude&gt;</text>
      <sha1>rgq3kwbqayibox70q7zjr1j3nsrp6r3</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Template:Blockedreason</title>
    <ns>10</ns>
    <id>248625</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147393</id>
      <parentid>3140688</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T13:13:59Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Nominate for deletion</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="258" xml:space="preserve">{{vfd-template-new|Blockedreason}}
{{#if:{{{expiry|{{{2|}}}}}}|{{#ifeq:{{#expr:{{#time:U|now}} &lt; {{{expiry|{{{2|}}}}}}}}|1|{{Template:Blockedreason/message|{{{1|}}}|{{{expiry|{{{2|}}}}}}}}}}|{{Template:Blockedreason/message|{{{1|}}}|{{{expiry|{{{2|}}}}}}}}}}</text>
      <sha1>6htrcdwka42bn71jucvyyxhqq34jyr2</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Template:Social and political philosophers</title>
    <ns>10</ns>
    <id>248706</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147699</id>
      <parentid>3138626</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T20:00:11Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Trakking</username>
        <id>2930181</id>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="6308" xml:space="preserve">{| class=&quot;wikitable mw-collapsible&quot;
|-
|style=background:#E4F2E4 align=center colspan=3|'''[[w:List of social and political philosophers|Social and political philosophers]]'''
|-
|style=background:#E4F2E4| [[w:Ancient philosophy|Classic]] ||[[Aristotle]] • [[Marcus Aurelius|Aurelius]] • [[Averroes]] • [[Chanakya]] • [[Cicero]] • [[Confucius]] • [[Laozi]] • [[Mencius]] • [[Mozi]] • [[Plato]] • [[Plutarch]] • [[Polybius]] • [[Socrates]] • [[Sun Tzu]] • [[Thucydides]] • [[Xenophon]] • [[Xun Zi]]
|-
|style=background:#E4F2E4| [[Conservatism|Conservative]] ||[[Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke|Bolingbroke]] • [[Louis de Bonald|Bonald]] • [[Jacques-Bénigne Bossuet|Bossuet]] • [[Edmund Burke|Burke]] • [[James Burnham|Burnham]] • [[Thomas Carlyle|Carlyle]] • [[Samuel Taylor Coleridge|Coleridge]] • [[Auguste Comte|Comte]] • [[Juan Donoso Cortés|Cortés]] • [[Roman Dmowski|Dmowski]] • [[Émile Durkheim|Durkheim]] • [[Julius Evola|Evola]] • [[Johann Gottlieb Fichte|Fichte]] • [[Robert Filmer|Filmer]] • [[Giovanni Gentile|Gentile]] • [[Johann Georg Hamann|Hamann]] • [[Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel|Hegel]] • [[Johann Gottfried Herder|Herder]] • [[Thomas Hobbes|Hobbes]] • [[Hans-Hermann Hoppe|Hoppe]] • [[David Hume|Hume]] • [[Samuel P. Huntington|Huntington]] • [[Ernst Jünger|Jünger]] • [[Russell Kirk|Kirk]] • [[Gustave Le Bon|Le Bon]] • [[Erik von Kuehnelt-Leddihn|Kuehnelt-Leddihn]] • [[Joseph de Maistre|Maistre]] • [[Harvey Mansfield|Mansfield]] • [[Gaetano Mosca|Mosca]] • [[Michael Oakeshott|Oakeshott]] • [[Vilfredo Pareto|Pareto]] • [[Jordan Peterson|Peterson]] • [[Ernest Renan|Renan]] • [[George Santayana|Santayana]] • [[Carl Schmitt|Schmitt]] • [[Roger Scruton|Scruton]] • [[Thomas Sowell|Sowell]] • [[Oswald Spengler|Spengler]] • [[Leo Strauss|Strauss]] • [[Hippolyte Taine|Taine]] • [[Alexis de Tocqueville|Tocqueville]] • [[Giambattista Vico|Vico]]
|-
|style=background:#E4F2E4| [[Liberalism|Liberal]] ||[[Raymond Aron|Aron]] • [[Frédéric Bastiat|Bastiat]] • [[Cesare Beccaria|Beccaria]] • [[Jeremy Bentham|Bentham]] • [[Isaiah Berlin|Berlin]] • [[Étienne de La Boétie|Boétie]] • [[Albert Camus|Camus]] • [[Marquis de Condorcet|Condorcet]] • [[Benjamin Constant|Constant]] • [[Ronald Dworkin|Dworkin]] • [[Ralph Waldo Emerson|Emerson]] • [[Desiderius Erasmus|Erasmus]] • [[Benjamin Franklin|Franklin]] • [[Francis Fukuyama|Fukuyama]] • [[Friedrich Hayek|Hayek]] • [[Thomas Jefferson|Jefferson]] • [[Immanuel Kant|Kant]] • [[John Locke|Locke]] • [[James Madison|Madison]] • [[John Stuart Mill|Mill]] • [[John Milton|Milton]] • [[Ludwig von Mises|Mises]] • [[Montesquieu]] • [[Friedrich Nietzsche|Nietzsche]] • [[Robert Nozick|Nozick]] • [[José Ortega y Gasset|Ortega]] • [[Karl Popper|Popper]] • [[Ayn Rand|Rand]] • [[John Rawls|Rawls]] • [[Murray Rothbard|Rothbard]] • [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau|Rousseau]] • [[Marquis de Sade|Sade]] • [[Friedrich Schiller|Schiller]] • [[Georg Simmel|Simmel]] • [[Adam Smith|Smith]] • [[Herbert Spencer|Spencer]] • [[Baruch Spinoza|Spinoza]] • [[Anne Louise Germaine de Staël|de Staël]] • [[Max Stirner|Stirner]] • [[Henry David Thoreau|Thoreau]] • [[Alexis de Tocqueville|Tocqueville]] • [[Benjamin Tucker|Tucker]] • [[Voltaire]] • [[Max Weber|Weber]] • [[Mary Wollstonecraft|Wollstonecraft]]
|-
|style=background:#E4F2E4| [[Religion|Religious]] ||[[Abu Hamid al-Ghazali|al-Ghazali]] • [[B. R. Ambedkar|Ambedkar]] • [[Thomas Aquinas|Aquinas]] • [[Augustine of Hippo|Augustine]] • [[Sri Aurobindo|Aurobindo]] • [[John Calvin|Calvin]] • [[Dante Alighieri|Dante]] • [[Mahatma Gandhi|Gandhi]] • [[René Girard|Girard]] • [[Pope Gregory VII|Gregory]] • [[René Guénon|Guénon]] • [[Jesus]] • [[John of Salisbury]] • [[Carl Jung|Jung]] • [[Søren Kierkegaard|Kierkegaard]] • [[Leszek Kołakowski|Kołakowski]] • [[C. S. Lewis|Lewis]] • [[Martin Luther|Luther]] • [[Maimonides]] • [[Nicolas Malebranche|Malebranche]] • [[Jacques Maritain|Maritain]] • [[Muhammad]] • [[Thomas Müntzer|Müntzer]] • [[Reinhold Niebuhr|Niebuhr]] • [[William of Ockham|Ockham]] • [[Origen]] • [[Philo]] • [[Christine de Pizan|Pizan]] • [[Sayyid Qutb|Qutb]] • [[Sarvepalli Radhakrishnan|Radhakrishnan]] • [[Ali Shariati|Shariati]] • [[Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn|Solzhenitsyn]] • [[Charles Taylor (philosopher)|Taylor]] • [[Tertullian]] • [[Swami Vivekananda|Vivekananda]] • [[Simone Weil|Weil]]
|-
|style=background:#E4F2E4| [[Socialism|Socialist]] ||[[Theodor Adorno|Adorno]] • [[Giorgio Agamben|Agamben]] • [[Alain Badiou|Badiou]] • [[Mikhail Bakunin|Bakunin]] • [[Jean Baudrillard|Baudrillard]] • [[Zygmunt Bauman|Bauman]] • [[Eduard Bernstein|Bernstein]] • [[Judith Butler|Butler]] • [[Noam Chomsky|Chomsky]] • [[Simone de Beauvoir|de Beauvoir]] • [[Guy Debord|Debord]] • [[Gilles Deleuze|Deleuze]] • [[John Dewey|Dewey]] • [[W. E. B. Du Bois|Du Bois]] • [[Friedrich Engels|Engels]] • [[Frantz Fanon|Fanon]] • [[Michel Foucault|Foucault]] • [[Charles Fourier|Fourier]] • [[Erich Fromm|Fromm]] • [[William Godwin|Godwin]] • [[Emma Goldman|Goldman]] • [[Antonio Gramsci|Gramsci]] • [[Jürgen Habermas|Habermas]] • [[Peter Kropotkin|Kropotkin]] • [[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] • [[Rosa Luxemburg|Luxemburg]] • [[Mao Zedong|Mao]] • [[Herbert Marcuse|Marcuse]] • [[Karl Marx|Marx]] • [[Giuseppe Mazzini|Mazzini]] • [[Antonio Negri|Negri]] • [[Robert Owen|Owen]] • [[Thomas Paine|Paine]] • [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau|Rousseau]] • [[Bertrand Russell|Russell]] • [[Henri de Saint-Simon|Saint-Simon]] • [[Jean-Paul Sartre|Sartre]] • [[B. F. Skinner|Skinner]] • [[Georges Sorel|Sorel]] • [[Leon Trotsky|Trotsky]] • [[Michael Walzer|Walzer]] • [[Slavoj Žižek|Žižek]]
|-
|style=background:#E4F2E4| Other ||[[Al-Farabi|Alpharabius]] • [[Hannah Arendt|Arendt]] • [[Francesco Guicciardini|Guicciardini]] • [[Ibn Khaldun]] • [[Gottfried Leibniz|Leibniz]] • [[Niccolò Machiavelli|Machiavelli]] • [[Michel de Montaigne|Montaigne]] • [[Thomas More|More]]
|}
&lt;noinclude&gt;[[Category:Navigational templates]]&lt;/noinclude&gt;</text>
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      <id>3147743</id>
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        <username>Trakking</username>
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      <text bytes="6180" xml:space="preserve">{| class=&quot;wikitable mw-collapsible&quot;
|-
|style=background:#E4F2E4 align=center colspan=3|'''[[w:List of social and political philosophers|Social and political philosophers]]'''
|-
|style=background:#E4F2E4| [[w:Ancient philosophy|Classic]] ||[[Aristotle]] • [[Marcus Aurelius|Aurelius]] • [[Averroes]] • [[Chanakya]] • [[Cicero]] • [[Confucius]] • [[Laozi]] • [[Mencius]] • [[Mozi]] • [[Plato]] • [[Plutarch]] • [[Polybius]] • [[Socrates]] • [[Sun Tzu]] • [[Thucydides]] • [[Xenophon]] • [[Xun Zi]]
|-
|style=background:#E4F2E4| [[Conservatism|Conservative]] ||[[Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke|Bolingbroke]] • [[Louis de Bonald|Bonald]] • [[Jacques-Bénigne Bossuet|Bossuet]] • [[Edmund Burke|Burke]] • [[James Burnham|Burnham]] • [[Thomas Carlyle|Carlyle]] • [[Samuel Taylor Coleridge|Coleridge]] • [[Auguste Comte|Comte]] • [[Juan Donoso Cortés|Cortés]] • [[Roman Dmowski|Dmowski]] • [[Émile Durkheim|Durkheim]] • [[Julius Evola|Evola]] • [[Johann Gottlieb Fichte|Fichte]] • [[Robert Filmer|Filmer]] • [[Giovanni Gentile|Gentile]] • [[Johann Georg Hamann|Hamann]] • [[Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel|Hegel]] • [[Johann Gottfried Herder|Herder]] • [[Thomas Hobbes|Hobbes]] • [[Hans-Hermann Hoppe|Hoppe]] • [[David Hume|Hume]] • [[Samuel P. Huntington|Huntington]] • [[Ernst Jünger|Jünger]] • [[Russell Kirk|Kirk]] • [[Gustave Le Bon|Le Bon]] • [[Gottfried Leibniz|Leibniz]] • [[Erik von Kuehnelt-Leddihn|Kuehnelt-Leddihn]] • [[Joseph de Maistre|Maistre]] • [[Harvey Mansfield|Mansfield]] • [[Thomas More|More]] • [[Gaetano Mosca|Mosca]] • [[Michael Oakeshott|Oakeshott]] • [[Vilfredo Pareto|Pareto]] • [[Jordan Peterson|Peterson]] • [[Ernest Renan|Renan]] • [[George Santayana|Santayana]] • [[Carl Schmitt|Schmitt]] • [[Roger Scruton|Scruton]] • [[Thomas Sowell|Sowell]] • [[Oswald Spengler|Spengler]] • [[Leo Strauss|Strauss]] • [[Hippolyte Taine|Taine]] • [[Alexis de Tocqueville|Tocqueville]] • [[Giambattista Vico|Vico]]
|-
|style=background:#E4F2E4| [[Liberalism|Liberal]] ||[[Hannah Arendt|Arendt]] • [[Raymond Aron|Aron]] • [[Frédéric Bastiat|Bastiat]] • [[Cesare Beccaria|Beccaria]] • [[Jeremy Bentham|Bentham]] • [[Isaiah Berlin|Berlin]] • [[Étienne de La Boétie|Boétie]] • [[Albert Camus|Camus]] • [[Marquis de Condorcet|Condorcet]] • [[Benjamin Constant|Constant]] • [[Ronald Dworkin|Dworkin]] • [[Ralph Waldo Emerson|Emerson]] • [[Desiderius Erasmus|Erasmus]] • [[Benjamin Franklin|Franklin]] • [[Francis Fukuyama|Fukuyama]] • [[Friedrich Hayek|Hayek]] • [[Thomas Jefferson|Jefferson]] • [[Immanuel Kant|Kant]] • [[John Locke|Locke]] • [[Niccolò Machiavelli|Machiavelli]] • [[James Madison|Madison]] • [[John Stuart Mill|Mill]] • [[John Milton|Milton]] • [[Ludwig von Mises|Mises]] • [[Michel de Montaigne|Montaigne]] • [[Montesquieu]] • [[Friedrich Nietzsche|Nietzsche]] • [[Robert Nozick|Nozick]] • [[José Ortega y Gasset|Ortega]] • [[Karl Popper|Popper]] • [[Ayn Rand|Rand]] • [[John Rawls|Rawls]] • [[Murray Rothbard|Rothbard]] • [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau|Rousseau]] • [[Marquis de Sade|Sade]] • [[Friedrich Schiller|Schiller]] • [[Georg Simmel|Simmel]] • [[Adam Smith|Smith]] • [[Herbert Spencer|Spencer]] • [[Baruch Spinoza|Spinoza]] • [[Anne Louise Germaine de Staël|de Staël]] • [[Max Stirner|Stirner]] • [[Henry David Thoreau|Thoreau]] • [[Alexis de Tocqueville|Tocqueville]] • [[Benjamin Tucker|Tucker]] • [[Voltaire]] • [[Max Weber|Weber]] • [[Mary Wollstonecraft|Wollstonecraft]]
|-
|style=background:#E4F2E4| [[Religion|Religious]] ||[[Abu Hamid al-Ghazali|al-Ghazali]] • [[B. R. Ambedkar|Ambedkar]] • [[Thomas Aquinas|Aquinas]] • [[Augustine of Hippo|Augustine]] • [[Sri Aurobindo|Aurobindo]] • [[John Calvin|Calvin]] • [[Dante Alighieri|Dante]] • [[Mahatma Gandhi|Gandhi]] • [[René Girard|Girard]] • [[Pope Gregory VII|Gregory]] • [[René Guénon|Guénon]] • [[Jesus]] • [[John of Salisbury]] • [[Carl Jung|Jung]] • [[Søren Kierkegaard|Kierkegaard]] • [[Leszek Kołakowski|Kołakowski]] • [[C. S. Lewis|Lewis]] • [[Martin Luther|Luther]] • [[Maimonides]] • [[Nicolas Malebranche|Malebranche]] • [[Jacques Maritain|Maritain]] • [[Muhammad]] • [[Thomas Müntzer|Müntzer]] • [[Reinhold Niebuhr|Niebuhr]] • [[William of Ockham|Ockham]] • [[Origen]] • [[Philo]] • [[Christine de Pizan|Pizan]] • [[Sayyid Qutb|Qutb]] • [[Sarvepalli Radhakrishnan|Radhakrishnan]] • [[Ali Shariati|Shariati]] • [[Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn|Solzhenitsyn]] • [[Charles Taylor (philosopher)|Taylor]] • [[Tertullian]] • [[Swami Vivekananda|Vivekananda]] • [[Simone Weil|Weil]]
|-
|style=background:#E4F2E4| [[Socialism|Socialist]] ||[[Theodor Adorno|Adorno]] • [[Giorgio Agamben|Agamben]] • [[Alain Badiou|Badiou]] • [[Mikhail Bakunin|Bakunin]] • [[Jean Baudrillard|Baudrillard]] • [[Zygmunt Bauman|Bauman]] • [[Eduard Bernstein|Bernstein]] • [[Judith Butler|Butler]] • [[Noam Chomsky|Chomsky]] • [[Simone de Beauvoir|de Beauvoir]] • [[Guy Debord|Debord]] • [[Gilles Deleuze|Deleuze]] • [[John Dewey|Dewey]] • [[W. E. B. Du Bois|Du Bois]] • [[Friedrich Engels|Engels]] • [[Frantz Fanon|Fanon]] • [[Michel Foucault|Foucault]] • [[Charles Fourier|Fourier]] • [[Erich Fromm|Fromm]] • [[William Godwin|Godwin]] • [[Emma Goldman|Goldman]] • [[Antonio Gramsci|Gramsci]] • [[Jürgen Habermas|Habermas]] • [[Peter Kropotkin|Kropotkin]] • [[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] • [[Rosa Luxemburg|Luxemburg]] • [[Mao Zedong|Mao]] • [[Herbert Marcuse|Marcuse]] • [[Karl Marx|Marx]] • [[Giuseppe Mazzini|Mazzini]] • [[Antonio Negri|Negri]] • [[Robert Owen|Owen]] • [[Thomas Paine|Paine]] • [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau|Rousseau]] • [[Bertrand Russell|Russell]] • [[Henri de Saint-Simon|Saint-Simon]] • [[Jean-Paul Sartre|Sartre]] • [[B. F. Skinner|Skinner]] • [[Georges Sorel|Sorel]] • [[Leon Trotsky|Trotsky]] • [[Michael Walzer|Walzer]] • [[Slavoj Žižek|Žižek]]
|}
&lt;noinclude&gt;[[Category:Navigational templates]]&lt;/noinclude&gt;</text>
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  <page>
    <title>1938 film</title>
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      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
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      <comment>tag for speedy deletion</comment>
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      <text bytes="100" xml:space="preserve">{{db|Nonsense redirect, appears to have been made by mistake}}
#REDIRECT [[Block-heads (1938 film)]]</text>
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    <title>Block-heads (1938 film)</title>
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    <redirect title="Block-Heads (1938 film)" />
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      <timestamp>2022-07-26T18:22:08Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
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      <comment>Remove speedy tag - seems like a reasonable enough redirect</comment>
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      <text bytes="37" xml:space="preserve">#REDIRECT [[Block-Heads (1938 film)]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Pokémon/Season 25</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-27T04:54:27Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
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      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Meeting Up with the Monarch! */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="8542" xml:space="preserve">:'''Seasons:'''  [[Pokémon/Season 1|1]] [[Pokémon/Season 2|2]] [[Pokémon/Season 3|3]] [[Pokémon/Season 4|4]] [[Pokémon/Season 5|5]] [[Pokémon/Season 6|6]] [[Pokémon/Season 7|7]] [[Pokémon/Season 8|8]] [[Pokémon/Season 9|9]] [[Pokémon/Season 10|10]] [[Pokémon/Season 11|11]] [[Pokémon/Season 12|12]] [[Pokémon/Season 13|13]] [[Pokémon/Season 14|14]] [[Pokémon/Season 15|15]] [[Pokémon/Season 16|16]] [[Pokémon/Season 17|17]] [[Pokemon/Season 18|18]] [[Pokémon/Season 19|19]] [[Pokémon/Season 20|20]] [[Pokémon/Season 21|21]] [[Pokémon/Season 22|22]] [[Pokémon/Season 23|23]] [[Pokémon/Season 24|24]] [[Pokémon/Season 25|25]]|[[Pokémon|Main]]

This is a list of episodes in Pokémon Ultimate Journeys: The Series, the twenty-fifth season of the Pokémon animated series (ポケットモンスター Poketto Monsutā?, Pocket Monsters), covering the adventures of series protagonist Ash Ketchum and his new travelling companion Goh as they travel around the Pokémon world, based at the Cerise Research Laboratory in Vermilion City in the Kanto region.

==The Spectral Express!==

==The Winding Path to Greatness==

==It's All in the Name!==

==Suffering the Flings and Arrows!==
:''[Note: This episode was to apologize to fans for making Erika a jerk and an irresponsible Gym Leader in the original series. Granted, Ash was rude back then, but still. As of this episode, fans have finally forgave the writers for this serious offence in the original series.]''

:'''Erika''': Welcome to the Celadon Gym. Nice to meet you. My name is Erika, the Gym Leader.
:'''Ash, Goh and Chloe''': Hi there, it's a pleasure to see you.
:'''Erika''': Thank you. ''[recognizes Ash]'' Oh my, don't I know you?
:'''Ash''': ''[a bit nervous]'' That's right, I'm Ash.
:'''Erika''': I recognize you now. Hi Ash! ''[cut to flashback where Ash rescued her Gloom from the fire]'' You helped rescue all the Pokémon after the Gym caught fire. I want to thank you again. You did a really wonderful thing!
:'''Ash''': Aww...
:'''Goh''': Ash, you really did that? ''[It does hint that neither Ash nor Erika were proud of making a bad first impression of each other since they don't mention the issues that caused the Celadon Gym to get caught on fire to Goh or Chloe]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Goh has decided to decorate flowers on Pinsir to make Heracross and Pinsir a happy couple, only to attract the attention of Erika]''
:'''Erika''': A happy couple?! ''[starts to get mad. Don't you remember what you did wrong in the original series when you acted like that?!]'' Could it be you want to use Pokémon flower arranging for romance?!
:'''Goh''': ''[getting nervous]'' Uhhh...well, it's just that... ''[in his mind]'' Am I doing this for the wrong reasons?!
:''[a brief stare down later]''
:'''Erika''': ''[getting cheerful again...whew]'' I think that's wonderful! A trainer would want to see their Pokémon be happy! I insist that you two allow me to help you out!

==The Good, The Bad and The Lucky!==
:''[Note: Since fans were curious as to why Cassidy and Butch were replaced by Matori at the end of the Diamond and Pearl, fans get to know what became of the two]''

:'''Cassidy''': Relax, it's not going anywhere and there's more where that came from.
:'''Raticate''': Raticate! [Please, enjoy!]
:'''Jessie''': This is scrumpty! 
:'''James''': It's not everyday that a complete stranger would come and save our lives! ''[suddenly recognizes Cassidy]'' Time out! I've seen you before!
:'''Cassidy''': Normally, I wouldn't respond to that but I'll be glad to show you who you are dealing with.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[The Team Rocket learn that the cafe owner is none other than Cassidy!]'' 
:'''The Gang''': Cassidy?!
:'''Jessie''': What are you doing in a place like this?!
:'''James''': I venture in a guess that you are on some super secret Team Rocket mission! Am I right?
:'''Cassidy''': Missed it by a mile. I quit. ''[The gang are confused]'' 
:'''Jessie''': My leg's been pulled by a mile quite enough.
:'''Cassidy''': Team Rocket was part of my life but it wasn't all. 
:'''James''': Things besides Team Rocket?
:'''Meowth''': Just what do you mean?
:'''Cassidy''': It's true we were elite members, miles above you, but all those failed mission reports- awful! The grind had simply worn us down.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[A familiar face and voice steps out of the bakery. It's Butch who also quit Team Rocket!]''
:'''Butch''': ''[excited]'' We have customers? ''[shocked to see Jessie, Wobbuffet and Meowth]'' IT CAN'T BE YOU!
:'''Jessie''': So, who are you?
:'''Butch''': Normally, I wouldn't answer that but I'm glad to show you...''[the gang freak out]''
:'''Jessie''': Botch, it's you!
:'''Butch''': The name's Butch, okay?! The name is BUTCH!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Butch was about to mention why he quit Team Rocket with Cassidy but Jessie interrupts the story]''
:'''Jessie''': Don't say another word. All those lousy, loser reports and the grind had simply worn you down, right?
:'''Butch''': ''[a bit annoyed]'' Look, it's my story to tell so let me talk.
:'''Meowth''': Cassidy gave us the lowdown.
:'''Butch''': Huh? You already met with her?
:'''Jessie''': Butch, we like to pay for that yummy food you gave us by working for it.
:'''Butch''': THE NAME IS BOTCH! ''[realizes that Jessie pronounced his name correctly]'' Hmmm...she's right.

==Lighting the Way Home!==
==An Evolution in Taste!==
==Out of Their Elements!==
==Battling Turned Up to Eleven!==
:''[Ash and Goh arrived in Spikemuth after being tricked by Team Yell that the World Coronation series match is here. The city is dark and empty. Not a good place to have a World Coronation series match...]''
:'''Ash''': We're going to have a battle here? ''[Even Pikachu is baffled]''
:'''Goh''': Yep, apparently the directions Team Yell gave us lead right to this location. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Piers''': ROCK AND ROLL! ''[while practing with his Rillaboom, two Toxtricity and Obstagoon]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Both Pikachu's Thunderbolt and Toxtricity's Discharge attacks cancel each other out]''
:'''Ash''': Hey, that wasn't nice!
:'''Piers''': We're in the middle of a rehearsal, so no one is allowed inside.
:'''Goh''': But hold on, isn't this a gym? 
:'''Piers''': It's our gym, it's our stage. Spikemuth Gym. I'm the Gym Leader here, a real genius with Dark types. Mournful Piers is what the fans call me! Now meet the band! On backing vocals, Obstagoon! ''[Obstagoon screams like the band members of KISS]'' On drums, Rillaboom! On guitar, Toxtricity (Amped form)! On bass, Toxtricity (Low-key form)! 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ash''': I'm here for the World Coronation series! My name is Ash! I'm battling today! 
:'''Piers''': Wait, your name is Ash? Are you in the Ultra Class? And you are from the Kanto region?
:'''Ash''': Right, so you're saying you've heard of me?
:'''Goh''': Wow Ash! You're famous!
:'''Piers''': That's weird. Marnie should be waiting for you over at Wyndon Stadium.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[A weary Piers sighs in annoyance, hinting that Team Yell has a bad habit of sabotaging Marnie's opponents. Good thing Piers is a Team leader that is not a villain.]''
:'''Piers''': They're part of our crew. Sorry if they messed you up.
:'''Ash''': So, how do you know about Marnie?
:'''Piers''': She's my little sister.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Marnie''': No, I can't do that! ''[accept a default win]'' I want a real battle, you hear me? I'm gonna wait.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Marnie learns that her fanclub, Team Yell, attempted sabotage from Ash]''
:'''Marnie''': ''[to Team Yell]'' SHUT YOUR BIG YAPS! ''[to Ash]'' Hey, did that lot really lie to you?
:'''Ash''': Uh-huh. They said the match was somewhere else. Thankfully, Piers drove me here, himself.
:'''Marnie''': My bro did that?
:'''Team Yell grunt''': We really wanted you to win, Marnie! You win and it'll help Spikemuth out, don't you see that?
:'''Marnie''': Not if I win that way! ''[The Team Yell grunts all freak out. You know you did wrong when your idol chews you out for your actions]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Marnie does the friendly smile pose just like in the games]''
:'''Marnie''': Thanks for today. I loved our match. But mark my words, Ash. I won't lose again! 
:'''Ash''': ''[nods in agreement and shakes Marnie's hand]'' We'll both do our best!
:'''Pikachu''': Pikachu! [Take care, Marnie!]

==Meeting Up with the Monarch!==
==A One-Stick Wonder!==
==Battling in the Freezing Raid!==
==The Future is Now, Thanks to Strategy!==

[[Category:Japanese TV shows]]
[[Category:Anime and manga series]]</text>
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      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
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      <comment>wrap categories in &lt;includeonly&gt; to prevent addition of unwanted categories to this page</comment>
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      <text bytes="604" xml:space="preserve">&lt;div class=&quot;user-block&quot; style=&quot;background: #ffcda0; border: 1px solid #886644; padding: 0.5em; margin: 0.5em 6.0em; min-height: 40px;&quot;&gt;
[[File:Modern clock chris kemps 01 with Octagon-warning.svg|40px|left|alt=Stop icon with clock]]
This user has been '''''[[Wikiquote:Blocking policy|{{red|indefinitely blocked}}]]'''''&amp;#8201;&amp;#8201;&amp;#8201; from editing for being a [[w:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet|sockpuppet]] of {{#ifeq:{{{lta}}}|false|{{User|{{{1}}}}}|long-term abuser [[w:WP:LTA/{{{1}}}|{{{1}}}]]}}.&lt;/div&gt;

&lt;includeonly&gt;
[[Category:Sockpuppets of {{{1}}}]]
[[Category:Confirmed sockpuppets]]
&lt;/includeonly&gt;</text>
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  <page>
    <title>User talk:Ilovemydoodle</title>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-26T13:59:59Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
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      <comment>Deletion notices</comment>
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      <text bytes="22366" xml:space="preserve">{{Talkheader}}
{{User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Template:Archive}}

= Settings =

{{/cs}}

= Questions =

== Tagging socks ==

[[User_talk:Aphaia#IP_address_ban_and_Mass_deletion_of_articles|This is your sign to stop tagging socks]], it is now disrupting wiki-editing events. If you continue to tag socks disruptively, violating [[:w:WP:DENY]] and tagging innocent users, I will consider blocking you from the User: namespace here on Wikiquote. Thanks. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 16:53, 3 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{ping|Ferien}} I promise to not only stop tagging socks, but that will I will also stop editing in other's user namespace. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:34, 3 July 2022 (UTC)
::Sounds good to me, thanks. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 20:38, 3 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|Ferien}} I will also take a short break from editing. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:02, 3 July 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|Ferien}} I think I have developed a negative editing pattern, which is why I am taking a break. The negative editing pattern is this:
::::: Originally there was a lot of stuff for me to do on Wikiquote that didn't require other editors, so I started spending a lot of time here, but eventually most of the stuff I wanted to do here started to require waiting for other editors, but I continued to be on Wikiquote just as much, so what would happen is that I would make &quot;filler edits&quot; (edits that don't really contribute anything to anyone, myself included), and when anything interesting would happen, I would way over-do my editing.
::::So will be on Wikiquote less often, so when I am online I can make actually helpful contributions. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:31, 3 July 2022 (UTC)

== Umm... ==

You know, saying you're NOT a sockpuppet is like saying you are. [[Special:Contributions/65.184.185.156|65.184.185.156]] 02:34, 4 July 2022 (UTC)

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== No thank you. ==

We are not in the business of pre-emptively registering hypothetical obscene variations on our usernames &quot;just in case.&quot; [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:04, 22 July 2022 (UTC)

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{{VFDNote|Category:Suspected Wikipedia sockpuppets of GR&lt;noinclude/&gt;P}} [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 13:39, 24 July 2022 (UTC)

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==See also==
Adds a wikibreak template to use your user page. The &lt;code&gt;small&lt;/code&gt; parameter can be used to make a small version of the template, and the &lt;code&gt;imagesize&lt;/code&gt; parameter can be used to set the size of the image.

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Adds a wikibreak template to use your user page. The &lt;code&gt;small&lt;/code&gt; parameter can be used to make a small version of the template, and the &lt;code&gt;imagesize&lt;/code&gt; parameter can be used to set the size of the image.

[[Category:User templates]]
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      <text bytes="9726" xml:space="preserve">== Categorization of &quot;tradition&quot; ==
@[[User:Trakking|Trakking]]: &quot;organization of names into their respective tradition&quot; is problematic and too arbitrary. For example, what does make you believe [[Michel Foucault]] is a socialist? Or, are [[Thomas Sowell]] and [[Friedrich Hayek]] that different tradition? what does make [[Martin Heidegger]] a liberal thinker? These &quot;traditions&quot; are so arbitrary. Chronological orgnization is less arbirary than orgaization of names into traiditions. --[[User:Y-S.Ko|Y-S.Ko]] ([[User talk:Y-S.Ko|talk]]) 22:55, 4 July 2022 (UTC)

:Hello. Thanks for your comment.
:Foucault used to call himself a socialist, he was undoubtedly socialist in his approach (criticizing hierarchies etc.) and he primarily (only?) inspires people left of classical liberalism.
:Sowell takes conservative stances in arguing for a free market, whereas Hayek does not. Also, Hayek wrote an essay on why he is not a conservative.
:I am glad you reminded me of Heidegger, however, as I thought of removing him from the list altogether, since he was an existential and spiritual philosopher rather than a social and political philosopher. [[User:Trakking|Trakking]] ([[User talk:Trakking|talk]]) 10:26, 5 July 2022 (UTC)

::@[[User:Trakking|Trakking]]: Well, there are many other problems in orgnization of names into traditions. There are too problematic cases in this table because of arbitrary classification. [[Bertrand Russell]] is classified into &quot;socialist&quot; group, but he can be also classified into a &quot;liberal&quot;. [[Ronald Dworkin]] is classified into &quot;other&quot; group, but he also can be classified into a &quot;liberal&quot;. [[Raymond Aron]] is classified into &quot;liberal&quot; group. However, some refered him as a &quot;conservative&quot;. [[Averroes]] is classified as a &quot;classic&quot;, then why not [[Augustine]] classified as a &quot;classic&quot;? Erasmus is classified as a &quot;other&quot; group, but he can also &quot;liberal&quot; or &quot;religous.&quot; '''&quot;Orgnization of names into traditions&quot; is too arbitary and inconsistent.'''--[[User:Y-S.Ko|Y-S.Ko]] ([[User talk:Y-S.Ko|talk]]) 12:55, 5 July 2022 (UTC)

::Also, [[Thomas Paine]] is classified into &quot;Socialist&quot; group, but he can be &quot;liberal&quot;. Is [[Max Stirner]] really more &quot;liberal&quot; than [[Friedrich Nietzsche]]? (Nietzsche is classified into &quot;other&quot; group, Stirner is classified into &quot;liberal&quot; group.) Again, &quot;Orgnization of names into traditions&quot; is too arbitary and inconsistent. --[[User:Y-S.Ko|Y-S.Ko]] ([[User talk:Y-S.Ko|talk]]) 13:12, 5 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Russell was a devoted socialist. See his book ''Proposed Roads to Freedom'' (1918), for example.
:::Dworkin was one of few names on the list I wasn't familiar with or had read, so I put him in the Other section, but if you say he's a liberal he can be added there. Thanks.
:::Aron was a classical liberal, clearly. I am well-read within the conservative tradition and he is never cited by anyone there.
:::Augustine is known as a religious thinker, who lived at the very end of antiquity. With &quot;classic philosophers&quot; one does not mean Christian thinkers, but pagan thinkers like Aristotle and Cicero.
:::Erasmus lived prior to the existence of liberalism/conservatism/socialism, all of which emerged in the 18th century. He was not a purely religious thinker, either, as he was heavily influenced by antiquity and he was as much of a critic of religion as an exponent.
:::Paine is a bit trickier, but I think it's safe to say he was more of a socialist than a liberal, given his revolutionism, his populism and his Georgism. He is cited by few modern classical liberals.
:::Stirner was the liberal individualist ''par excellence''. Nietzsche, by contrast, was in many ways illiberal, as he believed society ought to be ruled by a harsh aristocracy. Or as [[H. L. Mencken]] put it: &quot;There is a considerable gulf between Stirner and Nietzsche, even here. The former's plea is for absolute liberty for all men, great and small. The latter is for liberty only in the higher castes: the ''chandala'' he would keep in chains.&quot;
:::To summarize, there are solid reasons for why the philosophers are put in their respective categories. Still, there may be one or two that ought to be changed. I will put Dworkin in the liberal section. If you have any other suggestions I will take it in consideration. [[User:Trakking|Trakking]] ([[User talk:Trakking|talk]]) 16:15, 5 July 2022 (UTC)

::::@[[User:Trakking|Trakking]]:If you think [[Bertrand Russell]] is a socialist due to ''Proposed Road to Freedom'', It can be made the case that Mill, who is considered as a liberal commonly, can be classified into &quot;socialist&quot;
::::* [[John Stuart Mill]]: &quot;In short, I was a democrat, but not the least of a Socialist. We were now much less democrats than I had been, because so long as education continues to be so wretchedly imperfect, we dreaded the ignorance and especially the selfishness and brutality of the mass: but our ideal of ultimate improvement went far beyond Democracy, and would class us decidedly under the general designation of Socialists.&quot; (in his ''Autobiography'')
::::[[Max Stirner]] remarked, &quot;The liberals are zealots, not exactly for the faith, for God, but certainly for reason, their master. They brook no lack of breeding, and therefore no self-development and self-determination; they play the guardian as effectively as the most absolute rulers.&quot;(in his &quot;Political Liberalism&quot; (1844)) Therefore, is [[Max Stirner]] an anti-liberal?
::::[[John Stuart Mill]] can be classified as a &quot;liberal&quot;. [[Max Stirner]] can be classified as a &quot;liberal&quot;. But, my point is not whether they are liberal or not. My point is that &quot;Classic/Conservative/Liberal/Religious/Socialist/Other&quot; classification itself can be problematic and arbitrary. There can be claims, such as &quot;Why not the &quot;[[w:feminism|feminist]]&quot; tradition? Then, [[Mary Wollstonecraft]] and [[Christine de Pizan]] can be same category.&quot;, or &quot;Why not the &quot;[[w:republicanism|republican]]&quot; tradition? Then, Jefferson, Rousseau, Machiavelli, Montesquieu, and Madison can be classified as a single category.&quot; etc., etc., etc. Chronological orgnization is less arbirary than orgaization of names into traiditions. --[[User:Y-S.Ko|Y-S.Ko]] ([[User talk:Y-S.Ko|talk]]) 19:56, 5 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::@[[User:Y-S.Ko|Y-S.Ko]] Political philosophy since the French Revolution has revolved around three distinct ideologies, namely Conservatism, Liberalism and Socialism. This is a fact. And this is why political philosophers are easy to categorize.
:::::There are two additional ideologies, fairly big: Feminism (as you mentioned) and Anarchism (where Stirner belongs). But in most cases, feminists and anarchists fall under Socialism (de Beauvoir, Kropotkin etc.) as the overarching ideology. Stirner is an oddball in the Anarchist tradition: he denies the social dimension of the ideology, which is why few influential anarchists admired him. He is known for espousing liberal ideas, really. His ideology—Individualist anarchism—is closer to Liberalism than Socialism. The main proponent of Individualist anarchism, [[Benjamin Tucker]], said for example: &quot;Capitalism is at least tolerable, which cannot be said of Socialism or Communism.&quot;
:::::As long as there are solid sources that categorize the named philosophers into these respective traditions, everything is fine. Mill may have called himself a Socialist, but this was before the terminology was well developed. In reality he was an exponent of what is today known as Social liberalism. All sources indicate this. [[User:Trakking|Trakking]] ([[User talk:Trakking|talk]]) 21:33, 5 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::@[[User:Trakking|Trakking]]: (1) If the premise &quot;Political philosophy since the French Revolution has revolved around three distinct ideologies, namely Conservatism, Liberalism and Socialism. This is a fact. And this is why political philosophers are easy to categorize.&quot; is true, then why are there &quot;other&quot;? (Arendt, Camus, Durkheim, Gentile, Kołakowski, Nietzsche (...) are post-French Revolution thinkers.) If it is easy to categorize thinkers into three traditions, then there cannot be too many &quot;others.&quot;--[[User:Y-S.Ko|Y-S.Ko]] ([[User talk:Y-S.Ko|talk]]) 22:17, 5 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::That's a good observation. However, there are always eccentrics, such as Camus and Nietzsche, who are not easily put in a box. Gentile was the chief ideologue of Fascism, an ideology which is notorious for its syncretism: it mixes socialism with conservatism. Kołakowski was a socialist at first, then became a religious thinker later in life. Durkheim was conservative, by the way: I'll add him in the conservative section. [[User:Trakking|Trakking]] ([[User talk:Trakking|talk]]) 22:34, 5 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Yes, there are eccentrics and syncretism and changing philosophy, and so on. This is why problematic &quot;others&quot; exist. If this template is organized chronologically, orgnization is much clearer, because there would be no problem due to eccentric, syncretism and so on. --[[User:Y-S.Ko|Y-S.Ko]] ([[User talk:Y-S.Ko|talk]]) 22:50, 5 July 2022 (UTC)

== Suggestion (change to chronological order) ==
If this template is organized chronologically, orgnization is much clearer, because there would be no problem due to eccentric, syncretism and so on. --[[User:Y-S.Ko|Y-S.Ko]] ([[User talk:Y-S.Ko|talk]]) 21:08, 25 July 2022 (UTC)

:I understand that you are referring to the &quot;Other&quot; section. All the other thinkers are correctly categorized, as solid sources indicate. My suggestion is that we transfer some of the &quot;Others&quot; to their closest category. So we put Sade in the liberal field, Vico in the conservative field (he was a proto-conservative) etc. [[User:Trakking|Trakking]] ([[User talk:Trakking|talk]]) 19:30, 26 July 2022 (UTC)</text>
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      <text bytes="10002" xml:space="preserve">== Categorization of &quot;tradition&quot; ==
@[[User:Trakking|Trakking]]: &quot;organization of names into their respective tradition&quot; is problematic and too arbitrary. For example, what does make you believe [[Michel Foucault]] is a socialist? Or, are [[Thomas Sowell]] and [[Friedrich Hayek]] that different tradition? what does make [[Martin Heidegger]] a liberal thinker? These &quot;traditions&quot; are so arbitrary. Chronological orgnization is less arbirary than orgaization of names into traiditions. --[[User:Y-S.Ko|Y-S.Ko]] ([[User talk:Y-S.Ko|talk]]) 22:55, 4 July 2022 (UTC)

:Hello. Thanks for your comment.
:Foucault used to call himself a socialist, he was undoubtedly socialist in his approach (criticizing hierarchies etc.) and he primarily (only?) inspires people left of classical liberalism.
:Sowell takes conservative stances in arguing for a free market, whereas Hayek does not. Also, Hayek wrote an essay on why he is not a conservative.
:I am glad you reminded me of Heidegger, however, as I thought of removing him from the list altogether, since he was an existential and spiritual philosopher rather than a social and political philosopher. [[User:Trakking|Trakking]] ([[User talk:Trakking|talk]]) 10:26, 5 July 2022 (UTC)

::@[[User:Trakking|Trakking]]: Well, there are many other problems in orgnization of names into traditions. There are too problematic cases in this table because of arbitrary classification. [[Bertrand Russell]] is classified into &quot;socialist&quot; group, but he can be also classified into a &quot;liberal&quot;. [[Ronald Dworkin]] is classified into &quot;other&quot; group, but he also can be classified into a &quot;liberal&quot;. [[Raymond Aron]] is classified into &quot;liberal&quot; group. However, some refered him as a &quot;conservative&quot;. [[Averroes]] is classified as a &quot;classic&quot;, then why not [[Augustine]] classified as a &quot;classic&quot;? Erasmus is classified as a &quot;other&quot; group, but he can also &quot;liberal&quot; or &quot;religous.&quot; '''&quot;Orgnization of names into traditions&quot; is too arbitary and inconsistent.'''--[[User:Y-S.Ko|Y-S.Ko]] ([[User talk:Y-S.Ko|talk]]) 12:55, 5 July 2022 (UTC)

::Also, [[Thomas Paine]] is classified into &quot;Socialist&quot; group, but he can be &quot;liberal&quot;. Is [[Max Stirner]] really more &quot;liberal&quot; than [[Friedrich Nietzsche]]? (Nietzsche is classified into &quot;other&quot; group, Stirner is classified into &quot;liberal&quot; group.) Again, &quot;Orgnization of names into traditions&quot; is too arbitary and inconsistent. --[[User:Y-S.Ko|Y-S.Ko]] ([[User talk:Y-S.Ko|talk]]) 13:12, 5 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Russell was a devoted socialist. See his book ''Proposed Roads to Freedom'' (1918), for example.
:::Dworkin was one of few names on the list I wasn't familiar with or had read, so I put him in the Other section, but if you say he's a liberal he can be added there. Thanks.
:::Aron was a classical liberal, clearly. I am well-read within the conservative tradition and he is never cited by anyone there.
:::Augustine is known as a religious thinker, who lived at the very end of antiquity. With &quot;classic philosophers&quot; one does not mean Christian thinkers, but pagan thinkers like Aristotle and Cicero.
:::Erasmus lived prior to the existence of liberalism/conservatism/socialism, all of which emerged in the 18th century. He was not a purely religious thinker, either, as he was heavily influenced by antiquity and he was as much of a critic of religion as an exponent.
:::Paine is a bit trickier, but I think it's safe to say he was more of a socialist than a liberal, given his revolutionism, his populism and his Georgism. He is cited by few modern classical liberals.
:::Stirner was the liberal individualist ''par excellence''. Nietzsche, by contrast, was in many ways illiberal, as he believed society ought to be ruled by a harsh aristocracy. Or as [[H. L. Mencken]] put it: &quot;There is a considerable gulf between Stirner and Nietzsche, even here. The former's plea is for absolute liberty for all men, great and small. The latter is for liberty only in the higher castes: the ''chandala'' he would keep in chains.&quot;
:::To summarize, there are solid reasons for why the philosophers are put in their respective categories. Still, there may be one or two that ought to be changed. I will put Dworkin in the liberal section. If you have any other suggestions I will take it in consideration. [[User:Trakking|Trakking]] ([[User talk:Trakking|talk]]) 16:15, 5 July 2022 (UTC)

::::@[[User:Trakking|Trakking]]:If you think [[Bertrand Russell]] is a socialist due to ''Proposed Road to Freedom'', It can be made the case that Mill, who is considered as a liberal commonly, can be classified into &quot;socialist&quot;
::::* [[John Stuart Mill]]: &quot;In short, I was a democrat, but not the least of a Socialist. We were now much less democrats than I had been, because so long as education continues to be so wretchedly imperfect, we dreaded the ignorance and especially the selfishness and brutality of the mass: but our ideal of ultimate improvement went far beyond Democracy, and would class us decidedly under the general designation of Socialists.&quot; (in his ''Autobiography'')
::::[[Max Stirner]] remarked, &quot;The liberals are zealots, not exactly for the faith, for God, but certainly for reason, their master. They brook no lack of breeding, and therefore no self-development and self-determination; they play the guardian as effectively as the most absolute rulers.&quot;(in his &quot;Political Liberalism&quot; (1844)) Therefore, is [[Max Stirner]] an anti-liberal?
::::[[John Stuart Mill]] can be classified as a &quot;liberal&quot;. [[Max Stirner]] can be classified as a &quot;liberal&quot;. But, my point is not whether they are liberal or not. My point is that &quot;Classic/Conservative/Liberal/Religious/Socialist/Other&quot; classification itself can be problematic and arbitrary. There can be claims, such as &quot;Why not the &quot;[[w:feminism|feminist]]&quot; tradition? Then, [[Mary Wollstonecraft]] and [[Christine de Pizan]] can be same category.&quot;, or &quot;Why not the &quot;[[w:republicanism|republican]]&quot; tradition? Then, Jefferson, Rousseau, Machiavelli, Montesquieu, and Madison can be classified as a single category.&quot; etc., etc., etc. Chronological orgnization is less arbirary than orgaization of names into traiditions. --[[User:Y-S.Ko|Y-S.Ko]] ([[User talk:Y-S.Ko|talk]]) 19:56, 5 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::@[[User:Y-S.Ko|Y-S.Ko]] Political philosophy since the French Revolution has revolved around three distinct ideologies, namely Conservatism, Liberalism and Socialism. This is a fact. And this is why political philosophers are easy to categorize.
:::::There are two additional ideologies, fairly big: Feminism (as you mentioned) and Anarchism (where Stirner belongs). But in most cases, feminists and anarchists fall under Socialism (de Beauvoir, Kropotkin etc.) as the overarching ideology. Stirner is an oddball in the Anarchist tradition: he denies the social dimension of the ideology, which is why few influential anarchists admired him. He is known for espousing liberal ideas, really. His ideology—Individualist anarchism—is closer to Liberalism than Socialism. The main proponent of Individualist anarchism, [[Benjamin Tucker]], said for example: &quot;Capitalism is at least tolerable, which cannot be said of Socialism or Communism.&quot;
:::::As long as there are solid sources that categorize the named philosophers into these respective traditions, everything is fine. Mill may have called himself a Socialist, but this was before the terminology was well developed. In reality he was an exponent of what is today known as Social liberalism. All sources indicate this. [[User:Trakking|Trakking]] ([[User talk:Trakking|talk]]) 21:33, 5 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::@[[User:Trakking|Trakking]]: (1) If the premise &quot;Political philosophy since the French Revolution has revolved around three distinct ideologies, namely Conservatism, Liberalism and Socialism. This is a fact. And this is why political philosophers are easy to categorize.&quot; is true, then why are there &quot;other&quot;? (Arendt, Camus, Durkheim, Gentile, Kołakowski, Nietzsche (...) are post-French Revolution thinkers.) If it is easy to categorize thinkers into three traditions, then there cannot be too many &quot;others.&quot;--[[User:Y-S.Ko|Y-S.Ko]] ([[User talk:Y-S.Ko|talk]]) 22:17, 5 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::That's a good observation. However, there are always eccentrics, such as Camus and Nietzsche, who are not easily put in a box. Gentile was the chief ideologue of Fascism, an ideology which is notorious for its syncretism: it mixes socialism with conservatism. Kołakowski was a socialist at first, then became a religious thinker later in life. Durkheim was conservative, by the way: I'll add him in the conservative section. [[User:Trakking|Trakking]] ([[User talk:Trakking|talk]]) 22:34, 5 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Yes, there are eccentrics and syncretism and changing philosophy, and so on. This is why problematic &quot;others&quot; exist. If this template is organized chronologically, orgnization is much clearer, because there would be no problem due to eccentric, syncretism and so on. --[[User:Y-S.Ko|Y-S.Ko]] ([[User talk:Y-S.Ko|talk]]) 22:50, 5 July 2022 (UTC)

== Suggestion (change to chronological order) ==
If this template is organized chronologically, orgnization is much clearer, because there would be no problem due to eccentric, syncretism and so on. --[[User:Y-S.Ko|Y-S.Ko]] ([[User talk:Y-S.Ko|talk]]) 21:08, 25 July 2022 (UTC)

:I understand that you are referring to the &quot;Other&quot; section. All the other thinkers are correctly categorized, as solid sources indicate. My suggestion is that we transfer some of the &quot;Others&quot; to their closest category. So we put Sade in the liberal field, Vico in the conservative field (he was a proto-conservative) etc. [[User:Trakking|Trakking]] ([[User talk:Trakking|talk]]) 19:30, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

::Why should Wikiquote choose &quot;tradition&quot; category rather than &quot;chronological&quot; category? Generally, Wikiquote chose chronological or alphabetical order, because of [[ Wikiquote:NPOV|NPOV]] issue. --[[User:Y-S.Ko|Y-S.Ko]] ([[User talk:Y-S.Ko|talk]]) 04:15, 27 July 2022 (UTC)</text>
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      <text bytes="10545" xml:space="preserve">== Categorization of &quot;tradition&quot; ==
@[[User:Trakking|Trakking]]: &quot;organization of names into their respective tradition&quot; is problematic and too arbitrary. For example, what does make you believe [[Michel Foucault]] is a socialist? Or, are [[Thomas Sowell]] and [[Friedrich Hayek]] that different tradition? what does make [[Martin Heidegger]] a liberal thinker? These &quot;traditions&quot; are so arbitrary. Chronological orgnization is less arbirary than orgaization of names into traiditions. --[[User:Y-S.Ko|Y-S.Ko]] ([[User talk:Y-S.Ko|talk]]) 22:55, 4 July 2022 (UTC)

:Hello. Thanks for your comment.
:Foucault used to call himself a socialist, he was undoubtedly socialist in his approach (criticizing hierarchies etc.) and he primarily (only?) inspires people left of classical liberalism.
:Sowell takes conservative stances in arguing for a free market, whereas Hayek does not. Also, Hayek wrote an essay on why he is not a conservative.
:I am glad you reminded me of Heidegger, however, as I thought of removing him from the list altogether, since he was an existential and spiritual philosopher rather than a social and political philosopher. [[User:Trakking|Trakking]] ([[User talk:Trakking|talk]]) 10:26, 5 July 2022 (UTC)

::@[[User:Trakking|Trakking]]: Well, there are many other problems in orgnization of names into traditions. There are too problematic cases in this table because of arbitrary classification. [[Bertrand Russell]] is classified into &quot;socialist&quot; group, but he can be also classified into a &quot;liberal&quot;. [[Ronald Dworkin]] is classified into &quot;other&quot; group, but he also can be classified into a &quot;liberal&quot;. [[Raymond Aron]] is classified into &quot;liberal&quot; group. However, some refered him as a &quot;conservative&quot;. [[Averroes]] is classified as a &quot;classic&quot;, then why not [[Augustine]] classified as a &quot;classic&quot;? Erasmus is classified as a &quot;other&quot; group, but he can also &quot;liberal&quot; or &quot;religous.&quot; '''&quot;Orgnization of names into traditions&quot; is too arbitary and inconsistent.'''--[[User:Y-S.Ko|Y-S.Ko]] ([[User talk:Y-S.Ko|talk]]) 12:55, 5 July 2022 (UTC)

::Also, [[Thomas Paine]] is classified into &quot;Socialist&quot; group, but he can be &quot;liberal&quot;. Is [[Max Stirner]] really more &quot;liberal&quot; than [[Friedrich Nietzsche]]? (Nietzsche is classified into &quot;other&quot; group, Stirner is classified into &quot;liberal&quot; group.) Again, &quot;Orgnization of names into traditions&quot; is too arbitary and inconsistent. --[[User:Y-S.Ko|Y-S.Ko]] ([[User talk:Y-S.Ko|talk]]) 13:12, 5 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Russell was a devoted socialist. See his book ''Proposed Roads to Freedom'' (1918), for example.
:::Dworkin was one of few names on the list I wasn't familiar with or had read, so I put him in the Other section, but if you say he's a liberal he can be added there. Thanks.
:::Aron was a classical liberal, clearly. I am well-read within the conservative tradition and he is never cited by anyone there.
:::Augustine is known as a religious thinker, who lived at the very end of antiquity. With &quot;classic philosophers&quot; one does not mean Christian thinkers, but pagan thinkers like Aristotle and Cicero.
:::Erasmus lived prior to the existence of liberalism/conservatism/socialism, all of which emerged in the 18th century. He was not a purely religious thinker, either, as he was heavily influenced by antiquity and he was as much of a critic of religion as an exponent.
:::Paine is a bit trickier, but I think it's safe to say he was more of a socialist than a liberal, given his revolutionism, his populism and his Georgism. He is cited by few modern classical liberals.
:::Stirner was the liberal individualist ''par excellence''. Nietzsche, by contrast, was in many ways illiberal, as he believed society ought to be ruled by a harsh aristocracy. Or as [[H. L. Mencken]] put it: &quot;There is a considerable gulf between Stirner and Nietzsche, even here. The former's plea is for absolute liberty for all men, great and small. The latter is for liberty only in the higher castes: the ''chandala'' he would keep in chains.&quot;
:::To summarize, there are solid reasons for why the philosophers are put in their respective categories. Still, there may be one or two that ought to be changed. I will put Dworkin in the liberal section. If you have any other suggestions I will take it in consideration. [[User:Trakking|Trakking]] ([[User talk:Trakking|talk]]) 16:15, 5 July 2022 (UTC)

::::@[[User:Trakking|Trakking]]:If you think [[Bertrand Russell]] is a socialist due to ''Proposed Road to Freedom'', It can be made the case that Mill, who is considered as a liberal commonly, can be classified into &quot;socialist&quot;
::::* [[John Stuart Mill]]: &quot;In short, I was a democrat, but not the least of a Socialist. We were now much less democrats than I had been, because so long as education continues to be so wretchedly imperfect, we dreaded the ignorance and especially the selfishness and brutality of the mass: but our ideal of ultimate improvement went far beyond Democracy, and would class us decidedly under the general designation of Socialists.&quot; (in his ''Autobiography'')
::::[[Max Stirner]] remarked, &quot;The liberals are zealots, not exactly for the faith, for God, but certainly for reason, their master. They brook no lack of breeding, and therefore no self-development and self-determination; they play the guardian as effectively as the most absolute rulers.&quot;(in his &quot;Political Liberalism&quot; (1844)) Therefore, is [[Max Stirner]] an anti-liberal?
::::[[John Stuart Mill]] can be classified as a &quot;liberal&quot;. [[Max Stirner]] can be classified as a &quot;liberal&quot;. But, my point is not whether they are liberal or not. My point is that &quot;Classic/Conservative/Liberal/Religious/Socialist/Other&quot; classification itself can be problematic and arbitrary. There can be claims, such as &quot;Why not the &quot;[[w:feminism|feminist]]&quot; tradition? Then, [[Mary Wollstonecraft]] and [[Christine de Pizan]] can be same category.&quot;, or &quot;Why not the &quot;[[w:republicanism|republican]]&quot; tradition? Then, Jefferson, Rousseau, Machiavelli, Montesquieu, and Madison can be classified as a single category.&quot; etc., etc., etc. Chronological orgnization is less arbirary than orgaization of names into traiditions. --[[User:Y-S.Ko|Y-S.Ko]] ([[User talk:Y-S.Ko|talk]]) 19:56, 5 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::@[[User:Y-S.Ko|Y-S.Ko]] Political philosophy since the French Revolution has revolved around three distinct ideologies, namely Conservatism, Liberalism and Socialism. This is a fact. And this is why political philosophers are easy to categorize.
:::::There are two additional ideologies, fairly big: Feminism (as you mentioned) and Anarchism (where Stirner belongs). But in most cases, feminists and anarchists fall under Socialism (de Beauvoir, Kropotkin etc.) as the overarching ideology. Stirner is an oddball in the Anarchist tradition: he denies the social dimension of the ideology, which is why few influential anarchists admired him. He is known for espousing liberal ideas, really. His ideology—Individualist anarchism—is closer to Liberalism than Socialism. The main proponent of Individualist anarchism, [[Benjamin Tucker]], said for example: &quot;Capitalism is at least tolerable, which cannot be said of Socialism or Communism.&quot;
:::::As long as there are solid sources that categorize the named philosophers into these respective traditions, everything is fine. Mill may have called himself a Socialist, but this was before the terminology was well developed. In reality he was an exponent of what is today known as Social liberalism. All sources indicate this. [[User:Trakking|Trakking]] ([[User talk:Trakking|talk]]) 21:33, 5 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::@[[User:Trakking|Trakking]]: (1) If the premise &quot;Political philosophy since the French Revolution has revolved around three distinct ideologies, namely Conservatism, Liberalism and Socialism. This is a fact. And this is why political philosophers are easy to categorize.&quot; is true, then why are there &quot;other&quot;? (Arendt, Camus, Durkheim, Gentile, Kołakowski, Nietzsche (...) are post-French Revolution thinkers.) If it is easy to categorize thinkers into three traditions, then there cannot be too many &quot;others.&quot;--[[User:Y-S.Ko|Y-S.Ko]] ([[User talk:Y-S.Ko|talk]]) 22:17, 5 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::That's a good observation. However, there are always eccentrics, such as Camus and Nietzsche, who are not easily put in a box. Gentile was the chief ideologue of Fascism, an ideology which is notorious for its syncretism: it mixes socialism with conservatism. Kołakowski was a socialist at first, then became a religious thinker later in life. Durkheim was conservative, by the way: I'll add him in the conservative section. [[User:Trakking|Trakking]] ([[User talk:Trakking|talk]]) 22:34, 5 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Yes, there are eccentrics and syncretism and changing philosophy, and so on. This is why problematic &quot;others&quot; exist. If this template is organized chronologically, orgnization is much clearer, because there would be no problem due to eccentric, syncretism and so on. --[[User:Y-S.Ko|Y-S.Ko]] ([[User talk:Y-S.Ko|talk]]) 22:50, 5 July 2022 (UTC)

== Suggestion (change to chronological order) ==
If this template is organized chronologically, orgnization is much clearer, because there would be no problem due to eccentric, syncretism and so on. --[[User:Y-S.Ko|Y-S.Ko]] ([[User talk:Y-S.Ko|talk]]) 21:08, 25 July 2022 (UTC)

:I understand that you are referring to the &quot;Other&quot; section. All the other thinkers are correctly categorized, as solid sources indicate. My suggestion is that we transfer some of the &quot;Others&quot; to their closest category. So we put Sade in the liberal field, Vico in the conservative field (he was a proto-conservative) etc. [[User:Trakking|Trakking]] ([[User talk:Trakking|talk]]) 19:30, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

::Why should Wikiquote choose &quot;tradition&quot; category rather than &quot;chronological&quot; category? Generally, Wikiquote chose chronological or alphabetical order, because of [[ Wikiquote:NPOV|NPOV]] issue. --[[User:Y-S.Ko|Y-S.Ko]] ([[User talk:Y-S.Ko|talk]]) 04:15, 27 July 2022 (UTC)

::@[[User:Trakking|Trakking]]: If you read [[Wikiquote talk:Templates]], There is a discussion about categories by some wikiquote editors, Quoting [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]: 'I also feel editor-created &quot;category&quot; headings within an author's page should be discouraged, especially for sourced quotes unless there seems to be a general agreement that the subject probably warrants some separation for that particular author.' I think similar reason can be applied here. --[[User:Y-S.Ko|Y-S.Ko]] ([[User talk:Y-S.Ko|talk]]) 04:31, 27 July 2022 (UTC)</text>
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    <title>Giovanni De Martino</title>
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      <text bytes="2338" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Giovanni_De_Martino,_Le_Pêcheur_de_criquets_o_Pastorello_con_granchio,_bronzo_in_patina,_fusione_coeva_all'Artista,_1916.png|thumb|''Le Pêcheur de criquets'', 1916.]]
'''[[w:Giovanni De Martino|Giovanni De Martino]]''' (1870 – 1935) is an Italian sculptor. 

== Quotes about Giovanni De Martino ==
* Other recurring motifs of Demartinian's work are ''the fishermen tried by fatigue, the painful face of their women, modeled with anxious emotion''. ([[Vincenzo Vicario]])
** Vincenzo Vicario. ''Gli scultori italiani dal Neoclassicismo al Liberty'', Volume 1, Pomerio, 1990, p. 405, ISBN 8871213750
* The children of De Martino are just born, gay and playful [...] adolescents abandoned with the signs of suffering; children taken in the functions of their childhood and common games with the melancholy of deep eyes. ([[Pietro Barillà]])
** cited in 1935. Luigi Iaccarino, Mimmo Di Guida, Rossella Manzione. ''Novecento, un secolo di novecento, tra collezionismo privato ed esposizioni pubbliche'', Edizioni Vincent, Napoli, 2010
* Giovanni De Martino's sculpture reveals a very passionate talent for art. ([[Enrico Giannelli]])
** Enrico Giannelli. ''Artisti napoletani viventi: pittori, scultori ed architetti'', 1916, ed. Melfi &amp; Joele, p. 560, Coll. Università di Princeton
* Giovanni De Martino was a childhood poet. ([[Emanuele Samek Lodovici]])
** Emanuele Samek Lodovici. ''Storici, teorici e critici delle arti figurative d'Italia dal 1800 al 1940'', Ed. Tosi, 1942
*  [...] hungry, offended, sickly, begging children, as they were seen (and unfortunately still see them) in the deafest alleys of old Naples, De Martino's is therefore an indirect protest and, perhaps for this reason, very effective. ([[Paolo Ricci]])
** Paolo Ricci. ''Arte e artisti a Napoli (1800-1943), cronache e memorie'', Ed. Guida, 1983, p. 83, ISBN 9788870421897

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
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      <text bytes="1010" xml:space="preserve">''[[w:Pietro Barillà|Pietro Barillà]]''' (1887 – 1953) is an Italian painter. 

== Quotes by Pietro Barillà ==
* The children of [[Giovanni De Martino]] are just born, gay and playful [...] adolescents abandoned with the signs of suffering; children taken in the functions of their childhood and common games with the melancholy of deep eyes. 
** cited in 1935. Luigi Iaccarino, Mimmo Di Guida, Rossella Manzione. ''Novecento, un secolo di novecento, tra collezionismo privato ed esposizioni pubbliche'', Edizioni Vincent, Napoli, 2010

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{Commons|Category:Pietro Barillà}}

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[[Category:19th-century Italian male artists]]</text>
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      <text bytes="1008" xml:space="preserve">''[[w:Pietro Barillà|Pietro Barillà]]''' (1887 – 1953) is an Italian painter. 

== Quotes by Pietro Barillà ==
* The children of [[Giovanni De Martino]] are just born, gay and playful [...] adolescents abandoned with the signs of suffering; children taken in the functions of their childhood and common games with the melancholy of deep eyes. 
** cited in 1935. Luigi Iaccarino, Mimmo Di Guida, Rossella Manzione. ''Novecento, un secolo di novecento, tra collezionismo privato ed esposizioni pubbliche'', Edizioni Vincent, Napoli, 2010

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{Commons|Category:Pietro Barillà}}

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[[Category:1887 births]]
[[Category:Italian painters]]
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    <title>Enrico Giannelli</title>
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      <text bytes="663" xml:space="preserve">''[[w:Enrico Giannelli|Enrico Giannelli]]'' (1854 – 1955) is an Italian painter. 

== Quotes by Enrico Giannelli ==
* [[Giovanni De Martino]]'s sculpture reveals a very passionate talent for art. 
** Enrico Giannelli. ''Artisti napoletani viventi: pittori, scultori ed architetti'', 1916, ed. Melfi &amp; Joele, p. 560, Coll. Università di Princeton

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
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    <title>Lincoln Barnett</title>
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      <text bytes="1437" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Lincoln_Barnett|Lincoln Kinnear Barnett]]''' (1909–1979) was an editor and author, most notably at Life Magazine for many years.

{{author-stub}}
== Quotes ==
* The [[Michelson–Morley experiment]] confronted scientists with an embarrassing alternative. On the one hand they could scrap the ether theory which had explained so many things about electricity, magnetism, and light. Or if they insisted on retaining the ether they had to abandon the still more venerable Copernican theory that the earth is in motion. To many physicists it seemed almost easier to believe that the earth stood still than that waves – light waves, electromagnetic waves – could exist without a medium to sustain them. It was a serious dilemma and one that split scientific thought for a quarter century. Many new hypotheses were advanced and rejected. The experiment was tried again by Morley and by others, with the same conclusion; the apparent velocity of the earth through the ether was zero.
** ''The Universe and Dr. Einstein'', 2nd rev. edition, 1957, p. 44

* ...nor has any physical experiment ever proved that the [[Earth]] actually is in motion.
** ''The Universe and Dr. Einstein'', 2nd rev. edition, 1957, p. 73

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

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== [[:Template:T]] ==

This lacks sufficient complexity to merit a template and is redundant to another template.

All this template does is make Wikilinks. The entire content of this template is &lt;code&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;[[Template:{{{1}}}|{{{1}}}]]&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/code&gt; You feed it the parameter &quot;foo&quot; and it makes a Wikilink to &quot;template:foo&quot;. There is absolutely no reason why completely bog standard links with no special formatting or function should be produced by a template - if you want to make a Wikilink just use the standard Wikilink mark-up. As it stands all this template does is reimplement trivial wiki mark-up in a way that will break things, e.g. the visual editor cannot edit links produced by this template as standard links.

Finally this is redundant to another template. The template {{tl|tl}} has been around for years, has the exact same function of making links to templates, but actually includes some format to pretty up the result. This should either be deleted or turned into a redirect to the {{tl|tl}} template. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:10, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

:Fixed, it now redirects to {{Tl|Tl}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:31, 22 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 19:00, 28 July 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per nom (and agree with the appearance of redundancy). ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 23:40, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
*'''Delete''' per nom. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 14:18, 22 July 2022 (UTC)
* '''Keep''' as shortcut; this is relatively common on other wikis too. &lt;span style=&quot;display:inline-block;text-align:center;vertical-align:bottom;line-height:0.5em;&quot;&gt;~~&lt;nowiki/&gt;~~&lt;br/&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:0.7em;&quot;&gt;[[User:1234qwer1234qwer4]] ([[User talk:1234qwer1234qwer4|talk]])&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt; 18:42, 26 July 2022 (UTC)</text>
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      <text bytes="55558" xml:space="preserve">===Executed by the State [6.01]===
:'''Gadget''': Go Go, Gadget! Go Go!
:''[A bird cage pops out of Inspector Gadget's head as he rips his clothes off with only his shoes, golden underwear, and hat on and starts dancing while pop music starts. He groans and cheers; Zooms up on his underwear a couple of times]''

===Crushed by a Steamroller on My 53rd Birthday [6.02]===
:''[A boy and girl are standing next to a Christmas tree that has no presents under it]''
:'''Boy and Girl''': ''[disappointed]'' Aww.
:'''Boy''': Mom and dad couldn't afford our Christmas presents because the price of gas is so high.
:'''Girl''': But I've been extra good. Swear I'm gonna ''[bleep]'' some ''[bleep]'' up next year.
:'''Captain America''': ''[off-screen]'' Did somebody say &quot;energy crisis&quot;? ''[flies into the house]''
:'''Boy and Girl''': Not in those exact words, Captain America.
:'''Captain America''': The high cost of energy is crippling America, kids.
:'''Boy and Girl''': But what can we do?
:'''Captain America''': We can lick this problem if we all do our part together. ''[stands next to the thermostat]'' Turn the dial down to 68 degrees, and we'll use less heating oil.
:'''Girl''': We're not gonna do that. My feet get cold.
:'''Captain America''': Uh, okay. Next tip. ''[next to the TV, holding the plug in his hand]'' Electronics still use energy even when turned off. Make sure to unplug them.
:'''Boy''': That sounds exhausting.
:'''Girl''': Pass.
:'''Captain America''': Uh... ''[we cut to outside, next to a clothes line full of clothes]'' Clothes dryers are 20% of a home's energy bill. Dry your laundry outdoors, and save power.
:'''Girl''': I'd never wait that long.
:'''Boy''': Nobody's gonna do that.
:'''Captain America''': Oh, fine. ''[Bleep]'' you then. ''[throws his shield down, which breaks a window. He then storm off, getting caught in the clothes line and breaking it.
:''[Back inside mom and dad are awake]''
:'''Dad''': Sorry we couldn't afford gifts this year, kids.
:'''Girl''': That's okay. It's enough that you don't force us to live like a bunch of broke-ass hippies.
:'''Whole Family''': Aww.
:''[We cut to Captain America, who is sitting in a chair with his uniform hanging on a clothes line outside]''
:'''Captain America''': ''[shivering]'' My feet are ''[bleep]''ing freezing.

===Punctured Jugular [6.03]===
:''[In the middle of the Pacific Ocean, Chuck Noland is resting on the drift when Wilson the ball is accidentally set adrift on water]''
:'''Chuck Noland''': ''[wakes up in panic]'' No! Wilson! ''[cries]''
:''[At nightfall, Wilson floats across the Pacific Ocean, and stops in front of the fishing boat. The doctor notices the ball, and picks it up. We cut to the cabin where the doctor examines Wilson]''
:'''Doctor''': ''[to Wilson]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't try to move. You're still very weak. Tell me, who are you? ''[silence]'' Oh. You've lost your memory. ''[the fishing boat bumps at the harbor, causing Wilson to roll out of the boat]'' Wait! Wait, my friend! We can help you!
:''[Wilson rolled and bounced out of the harbor, and landed on the bench at the park]''
:'''Policeman''': ''[to Wilson]'' Hey, you bum! No loitering in the park. Come on. Let's see some I.D. ''[silence]'' Stand down, or I'll use force! ''[kicks Wilson who bounced at the bench and hits him in the face]'' Ow! ''[in his walkie-talkie as Wilson bounced away]'' All units, we have a fleeing suspect who's just attacked an officer.
:''[Wilson bounced and lands on the car seat inside the woman's car]''
:'''Woman''': ''[startled]'' Aah! Oh! Don't hurt me! I'll take you wherever you need to go! ''[drives off with Wilson, only to be chased by the police]'' Why are the police after you? ''[silence]'' Oh, you're right. I do talk too much. I can't lose them. ''[switching seats with Wilson]'' Take the wheel!
:''[The car crashed through the bridge and splashed in the river, which is floating them away from the police]''
:'''Policeman''': Stop! Ah! They're getting away!
:'''Woman''': ''[relieved]'' You did it! You're amazing! Oh, ''[bleep]'' you cops! I've never felt so alive! ''[making out with Wilson; cut to living room where they entered]'' This is my brother's place, but he's on vacation right now. ''[then the SWAT team crashed through windows and surround them]'' Save us! ''[throws Wilson at the SWAT team]''
:'''SWAT Team Member 1''': I got it. I got it! ''[hits Wilson, as if playing volleyball]''
:'''SWAT Team Member 2''': ''[holding Wilson, as if the ball's trying to bite him]'' Oh, get it off me! Get it off me!
:'''SWAT Team Member 1''': ''[holding the gun]'' Stay back! Stay back! Stay back! ''[shoots the ball, but accidentally kills SWAT team member 2 and falls out of the window]''
:''[The grenade rolls out of SWAT team member 2's hand, and was about to explode]''
:'''Woman''': ''[last words]'' Look out!
:''[The grenade explodes, sending Wilson out of the window; cut to Chuck and Kelly outside of her house]''
:'''Kelly Fears''': Everyone thought you were dead. I love you, but I have a family now. ''[getting hit by Wilson]'' Ow!
:'''Chuck Noland''': ''[surprised]'' Wilson! I thought I'd lost you forever!
:'''Kelly Fears''': ''[in pain]'' Did you just hit me in the face? I am calling the cops! Ow.
:'''Wilson''': ''[suddenly talking in his deep voice]'' No witnesses.
:'''Chuck Noland''': ''[about to strangle Kelly]'' No witnesses.
:''[Kelly gasps before going static]''

===Poisoned by Relatives [6.04]===
:'''Announcer (Zeb Wells)''': Previously on The Fattest Fat Loser, the contestants got real!
:'''Miss Piggy''': Moi has always considered oneself pleasantly plump. That is until I shattered Kermit's pelvis. 
:''[Camera cuts to a bedroom with Kermit and Miss Piggy having sex in the middle of filming an intercourse tape]''
:'''Kermit The Frog''': AHHHHHHHH! Get off of me you ''[bleep]''ing wildebeest!
:''[Camera cuts to Mario]''
:'''Mario''': My brother Luigi and me, we used to be the same. ''[holds up a picture of him and 8-bit Luigi from &quot;Super Mario Bros.&quot;, from the NES]'' But after a few years-a, ''[shows a picture of him and Luigi from the Nintendo 64-era games]'' if I don't-a change-a my ways, ''[shows a picture of an extremely fat Mario and Luigi running away]'' this is what the Doctor's projected I will look like.
:''[Camera cuts to Winnie the Pooh]''
:'''Winnie the Pooh''': I've gained so much weight, I can't even fit in Rabbit's hole anymore. ''[pauses in confusion]'' What?
:''[Camera cuts to Garfield]''
:'''Garfield''': I just wanna lick my balls one more time or at least be able to see them. Wait, wait, I mean, I hate Mondays!
:''[A montage of the characters training is shown to the song &quot;Follow your Heart&quot; and culminates with all the characters standing on stage and waving to the camera]''
:'''Announcer (Zeb Wells)''': The Fattest Fat Loser! ''[farts]'' Gross!
:''[Camera cuts to Barbie]''
:'''Barbie''': I've made little girls self-conscious about their bodies for decades. That makes me the perfect trainer for this show. Of course, I am hungry all the time, so I can get a little irritable. ''[Camera cuts to her and Mario, who is knocking a speed bag while jumping]'' Double time, Super Lardio!
:'''Mario''': I can-a do this all day.
:'''Barbie''': THEN WHY ARE YOU STILL FAT?!?! So sorry. Follow your dreams. YOU FAT ''[BLEEP]''! Sorry. Find your shining star.
:''[Camera cuts to Barbie and Miss Piggy doing Kung Fu]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Vous would like to spar with moi? Ah ha ha. I'm a fourth-degree black belt, sweetie.
:'''Camera cuts back to Barbie]''
:'''Barbie''': You have to shatter their delusions before you can reach them. The way my delusion of eating another Tiramisu which shattered at age 12. ''[camera cuts back to her and Miss Piggy and doing Kung Fu]'' If you thought Fitness Trainer Barbie was a hard ass, you haven't seen Kung Fu Barbie!
:'''Miss Piggy''': Oh yeah?! ''[about to perform karate, but Barbie runs at her and kicks her in the neck and attacks her repeatedly, culminating with her trying to break her arm]'' Moi has to go to the bathroom!
:'''Barbie''': I don't care how you lose weight! ''[Miss Piggy poops and she drops Miss Piggy]'' We've had a real breakthrough here today, Miss Piggy. ''[Miss Piggy whimpers; camera cuts to Barbie standing in front of the contestants who have a wheelbarrow each, with different foods in each one; Garfield has lasagna, Mario has spaghetti, Winnie the Pooh has honey, and Miss Piggy has rice]'' You'll push a wheelbarrow full of your trigger food up to the top of this hill where you'll dump your payload into the fire, symbolically saying goodbye to your former fat ass lives and giving you the strength to leave your co-dependent relationship. ''[chuckles]'' You hear that, Ken?! I don't need you anymore! ''[laughs]'' Please, call me. 
:''[Camera cuts to Winnie the Pooh]''
:'''Winnie the Pooh''': Last fall, Eeyore lost his long battle with depression... ''[camera cuts to Winnie the Pooh holding a pot of Honey in the air]'' For you, Eeyore! ''[begins to pour the honey out of the pot, but it falls very slowly. He looks at the pot and then at the camera, he shrugs. Camera cuts back to his interview after six seconds]'' ...hung himself with his own tail.
:''[Camera cuts back to the contestants about to begin their race]''
:'''Barbie''': And go! ''[fires the starting gun, causing all the contestants to start running]''
:'''Garfield''': Wow! I'm in the lead! I have lost weight! This is rewriting the book on Mondays. ''[gasps]'' My balls! ''[throws his wheelbarrow onto Winnie the Pooh and sits down to lick his groin, but sees nothing there]'' Hey! There's nothing in here! JON, YOU MONDAY-ED MY BALLS!!
:''[Miss Piggy and Mario pass him, both are getting tired but Miss Piggy makes it first and throws her food onto the fire while Mario falls to the ground]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': I won! I won! Phew, I'm roasting out here.
:'''Mario''': ''[sniffs]'' Oh! Is-a that-a my mama's-a prosciutto? ''[gets up and tries to eat Miss Piggy]'' Just-a one-a taste, Mama! One-a bite!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[last words]'' Hey! Get off! Knock it off!
:''[In the process, Miss Piggy falls into the fire]''
:'''Garfield''': ''[arrives in shock]'' Miss Piggy!
:'''Winnie the Pooh''': ''[arrives and also in shock]'' Oh, stuff and fluff!
:'''Mario''': Wait! Let-a her cook.
:'''Winnie the Pooh''': Oh, she does smell delicious.
:''[Garfield nods in agreement; camera cuts to a counter on stage]''
:'''Barbie''': Miss Piggy, your final weight loss is... ''[camera zooms out to show that Miss Piggy's charred bones are being weighed]'' 174 pounds! ''[looks at the three other contestants with disappointment, who are much fatter than they were before]'' The rest of you have GAINED a COMBINED 174 pounds. Miss Piggy, you are the Fattest Fat Loser!
:''[Confetti falls from ceiling]''
:'''Announcer (Zeb Wells)''': ''[farts]'' Gross!

===Hurtled from a Helicopter into a Speeding Train [6.05]===
:''[Azmuth, Gwen and Grandpa Max celebrate Ben's 14th birthday]''
:'''Azmuth''': Happy birthday, young Ben Tennyson!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[gets a pair of socks]'' What's with the crappy gifts, Azmuth? Last time I got a watch that turns me into different aliens.
:'''Azmuth''': That was when you were Ben 10. Now that you're Ben 14, you get more grown-up gifts.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[gets a telescope]'' I saved the world like 40 times this year and this is what I get? This birthday blows.
:'''Azmuth''': It's not over yet. ''[cuts to him and Ben at a window]'' Here's your final present.
:''[The woman next door removes her towel and begins to shower]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Whoa!
:'''Azmuth''': That's for saving the world. Happy birthday, Ben 14!
:''[Ben gets excited for the gifts he received and continues to spy on the woman next door with his telescope]''

===Disemboweled by an Orphan [6.06]===
:''[Two raptors are seen in the jungle]''
:'''Female Raptor 1''': I can't believe the Jurassic Park scientists made us all females! I'm gonna die all alone!
:'''Female Raptor 2''': Crying won't help, there's no way to change it.
:'''Female Raptor 1''': Wrong! Tonight, life finds a way.
:''[The raptors are seen behind two cars heading towards a building. They hide and proceed to snap two workers’ necks. They then act as statues when some other scientists are walking by, The raptors go into the lab and mix some chemicals. When this is all done, the Raptors leave laughing. One day later. a male raptor emerges from a truck and walks to the two females]''
:'''Female Raptor 1''': HE'S HERE! Finally I'm gonna get married, have babies and live happily ever after!
:'''Male raptor''': You got great legs babe, what time do they open? ''[laughs]''
:'''Female Raptor 2''': ''[gasps]'' Asshole!

===In Bed Surrounded by Loved Ones [6.07]===
:''[There is a LEGO house. A LEGO car pulls into the driveway, and Bill gets out of it]''
:'''Bill''': Finally, home to my perfect suburban paradise!
:''[Truck horn. Camera switches view to the house beside Bill's, Earl's house, which is a towering, exotic LEGO structure decorated with satellite dishes and a large propeller attached to the roof. Earl pulls up in that house's driveway, in a car with spaceship parts]''
:'''Earl''': Hey, neighbor! Beautiful day, huh?
:'''Bill''': Ugh! Hi, Earl. I see you still have your satellite dishes up.
:'''Earl''': Yeppers. Of course, there's no point now that the cable's in, but they sure look slick, don't they?
:'''Bill''': And the propeller, any idea when that will come down?
:'''Earl''': ''[chuckles]'' Like I can just remove a load-bearing propeller.
:'''Earl's Wife''': Earl, dinner time!
:'''Earl''': Billy-boy, that's my cue. See you later.
:''[Earl enters the house. Bill has a disgruntled look on his face. Scene cuts to Bill and his wife having sex]''
:'''Bill''': Argh! Yeah, yeah, no.
:'''Bill's Wife''': Ow, you're overthinking. Just put the knob in the hollow end.
:'''Bill''': I know. Just, oh, forget it.
:'''Bill's Wife''': Come on, Bill. What's got you so distracted?
:'''Bill''': Nothing. Leave me alone.
:'''Bill's Wife''': Fine. I don't know why I work so hard to keep up this body if you never want to touch me.
:''[Bill groans and looks at Earl's house. Scene cuts to Earl at his house]''
:'''Earl''': Okay, love of my life, I'm off to work. Bill! What are you doing?!
:''[Cuts to an insane Bill driving a bulldozer]''
:'''Bill''': Your house, Earl, it's gotta go!
:''[Zooms out to Bill being surrounded by LEGO police officers]''
:'''LEGO Police Chief''': Sir, I repeat: Get out of the bulldozer!
:'''Bill''': Green brick, red brick, yellow brick, it's all coming down!
:''[The cops fire their guns at Bill, killing him. The bulldozer crashes into Earl's house]''
:'''LEGO Police Chief''': Calm down, everyone. It's-It's over now.
:'''LEGO Policeman''': Uh, chief, you should take a look at this. ''[camera switches view to the inside of Earl's house, which is full of LEGO heads. The cops gasp]'' Oh my god, it's heads, people's heads!
:'''Earl''': Uh, so, you know... ''[laughs nervously, and tries to make a run for it, but the cops shoot him to death]''
:''[It is revealed that a boy named Scotty and his friend are playing with LEGO bricks and acting out the scenario the whole time]''
:'''Scotty's Friend''': That's where all the head pieces went!? I've been trying to find...Scotty, you idiot!
:'''Scotty''': What? It looks cool.

===Choked on Multi-Colored Scarves [6.08]===
:''[She-Ra and Swift Wind are flying back from battle]''
:'''SHE-RA''': We did it, Swift Wind! The Horde won't bother us again anytime soon. Now let's turn back into plain old Princess Adora and her horse, Spirit. It's meatloaf night at the castle.
:''[They descend to land]''
:'''SWIFT WIND''': No, no, wait, wait! Let me land before you...
:''[About 5 or 6 feet above the ground, She-Ra turns them back into Princess Adora and Spirit. They fall to the ground, breaking one of Spirit's legs]''
:'''SPIRIT''': AHH!!! Oh, my god, bitch! I thought I told you to wait for 5 ''[bleep]''ing seconds!
:'''PRINCESS ADORA''': Spirit! ''[crying]'' I'm so sorry.
:'''SPIRIT''': It seems like a simple rule of thumb ''[blee]'' head! If we're in the air, I need my magic ''[bleep]''ing wings! Now for the love of god, get me a ''[bleep]''ing doctor.
:'''ADORA''': ''[crying, pulls out her sword]'' A doctor can't help you! ''[starts to kill Spirit]''
:'''SPIRIT''': Hold up! Wait a minute! You ''[bleep]''ed up the landing and I get the death penalty?!?!
:'''ADORA''': A horse's broken leg will never heal! Almost 50% of a horse's bones are in its limbs. Besides which, 65% of a horses weight rests on it's front legs.
:'''SPIRIT''': You've sure loaded up both barrels with a lot of high caliber euthanasia factoids, sister. Have you been planning for this?
:'''ADORA''': It's just part of being a responsible horse owner.
:'''CASTASPELLA''': ''[appears]'' Oh, my goodness! What's happened?
:'''ADORA''': Oh, it's terrible, Castaspella!
:'''SPIRIT''': That evil Hordak made us switch bodies again. I'm really Princess Adora, and she's really Spirit.
:'''CASTASPELLA''': ''[literal minded]'' Well, that's easily remedied. Magical mind swap! ''[casts the mind swap spell]''
:'''ADORA''': Wait!
:''[The spell puts Adora into Spirit's body and Spirit into Adora's body]''
:'''ADORA''': ''[in Spirit's body]'' OW! My leg!
:'''SPIRIT''': ''[in Adora's body]'' Well, you know, 65% of the bones, blah, blah, blah. ''[cuts off Adora's, in Spirit's body, head (the horse's head is cut off)]''
:'''CASTASPELLA''': Oh! But I-I'm magic! I could have fixed that in two seconds.
:'''SPIRIT''': ''[in Adora's body]'' Eh. Who's up for meatloaf?

===Hemlock, Gin and Juice [6.09]===
:''[The sketch opens as Thomas the Tank Engine chugs through a meadow with a barn]''
:'''Narrator''': Thomas the Tank Engine was huffing and puffing, when suddenly...
:'''Thomas''': ''[looks around]'' Bust my buffers! This isn't the way to the Whistling Woods.
:''[We snap to a shot of a bank robber driving Thomas]''
:'''Bank Robber''': No, it ain't, pal! Unless the Mayor of Sodor gives me a hundred million bucks, we're gonna drive this dynamite ''[pan to a pile of dynamite that is counting down to explosion]'' right into Knapford Station!
:''[Next, we cut to the Mayor of Sodor's office]''
:'''Mayor's Aid''': ''[enters]'' Uhh, we've got a problem.
:'''Mayor''': Get me Sir Topham Hatt. ''[his aid leaves]'' And you... ''[Rosie appears from behind his desk]'' ...you come back later.
:'''Rosie''': You know my schedule, dear. ''[drives away]''
:''[We cut to Tidmouth Sheds with James and Percy next to each other with Sir Topham Hatt in Percy's cab]''
:'''Sir Topham Hatt''': Okay, people, this is what we trained for. ''[Percy laughs]'' So immature. Can we all just stay on track? ''[James also laughs, irritating him]'' Let's just get this bastard! ''[Percy blasts his whistle, and he and James begin to slowly puff away]'' Move, move, move!
''[Percy or James' whistle blows and the two engines continue to chug with slowness as James appears to be missing his tender. Eight hours later, as seen on a title card, Percy catches up to Thomas, who is still being driven by the robber]''
:'''Thomas''': Hello, Percy!
:'''Percy''': Hello, Thomas! Wonderful weather for a hijacking, isn't it?
:'''Sir Topham Hatt''': Shut your steam hole and get closer! ''[jumps into Thomas' cab]''
:'''Percy''': ''[puffs onto a curved line away from Thomas]'' I love being really useful!
:''[A penny appears on the rail of the tracks in front of Percy, who accidentally runs over it, causing him to derail and explode into pieces]''
:'''Bank Robber''': ''[holding an axe]'' You'll never take me alive, Sir Topham Hatt! ''[swings it at Sir Topham Hatt, but misses and hits Thomas' controls, causing some oil to squirt out and making Thomas groan in pain]''
:'''Sir Topham Hatt''': Missed me! ''[the robber misses again and hits Thomas once more, causing him to blast out some steam]'' Your blows are harmless!
:''[The robber hits Thomas the third time]''
:'''Thomas''': My internal organs! ''[after the fourth and fifth hit]'' JUST FINISH ME, YOU PUSSIES!
:''[The robber punches Sir Topham Hatt to make him yell in pain, and accidentally pull down Thomas' throttle, causing him to go faster in alarm]''
:'''Bank Robber''': ''[climbing on top of Thomas and speaking to a walkie-talkie]'' Conductor to Skywolf: request pickup.
:'''Harold''': ''[flying towards Thomas]''' Copy that; I'm on my way.
:'''Thomas''': ''[shocked and confused]'' Harold the Helicopter?! You're a part of this?!
:'''Harold''': That's right! I'm tired of taking a back seat to a bunch of steam trains; I can ''[bleep]''ing fly!
:''[Thomas and Harold zoom into a tunnel, where Sir Topham Hatt is just climbing on top of of Thomas as well]''
:'''Bank Robber''': So long, Topham! ''[cackles and turns to Harold]''
:''[Harold tries to catch him, but fails when he hits a wall with his tail blade, breaks down his choppers, falls to the ground, and explodes. Next, his top blade spins right between the two men, who duck as the robber screams, and Thomas makes it out of the tunnel to just barely avoid a huge explosion caused by the blade]''
:'''Thomas''': AH!! ''[crashes through a sign that says: &quot;Track Work Ahead&quot;, leaving him with a left black eye, a bloody nose, and one missing tooth]'' What cruel god would give a grain a face?! ''[chugs towards an unfinished bridge]''
:'''Sir Topham Hatt''': ''[urging]'' PUMP THOSE PISTONS, YOU STEAM POWERED SON OF A BITCH!!!
:''[Thomas chugs even faster, and flies over the cliff, but barely makes it by clinging to a rail ending with his mouth. Meanwhile, the robber and Sir Topham Hatt hang onto the back of Thomas to keep themselves from falling, with the robber clutching one of Sir Topham Hatt's legs]''
:'''Bank Robber''': ''[frightened]'' Topham! Help me!!! I'll turn myself in; I swear! Just pull me up!
:'''Sir Topham Hatt''': End of the line, ''[bleep]''-head. ''[kicks the robber in the head, and he falls screaming down the cliff to his death]''
:''[We then fade to Knapford Station, where the Mayor is giving Sir Topham Hatt his thanks while a crowd applauds]''
:'''Mayor''': ''[shakes Sir Topham Hatt's hand]'' Thank you, everyone! Knapford Station is safe!
:'''Sir Topham Hatt''': You're quite welcome, Mayor!
:'''Mayor''': And how did you dispose of the dynamite?
:'''Sir Topham Hatt''': Uhhhh....
:''[We cut to Thomas, James, Clarabel, and Annie in a siding, which looks normal for a bit, but then the dynamite explodes in Thomas' compartment, destroying everyone. Next, the scene changes to look as if it was from an old book and scrolls downward to reveal the rest of the story, ending with &quot;THE END&quot;]''
:'''Narrator''': ''[reading the text onscreen]'' And with no more public transportation, everyone on Sodor bought a Hummer.
:'''Rosie''': ''[pops out between the story's conclusion and &quot;THE END&quot;]'' Whew, I've got a lot of work to do! Toot Toooot!

===Collateral Damage in Gang Turf War [6.10]===
:''[Harry Potter is sitting on a bed in his bedroom, A woman is in the doorway]''
:'''Woman''': You wait right there, Harry. I'm going to change into something more comfortable.''[leaves]''
:'''Harry''': ''[pulls out his wand]'' Dungus stoutus. ''[taps his groin region and nothing happens]'' Oh, come on. Uh, beefus gurthus. ''[taps his groin region again and nothing happens]'' Polius maximus. ''[taps his groin region and a beanstalk shoots out and up into the air]'' AAAAH!!
:''[Cut to Hermione, who is sitting in a chair reading a book. Her phone vibrates and she checks it. It is a text from H &quot;Chosen 1&quot; Potter, who is really Harry Potter. Harry types &quot;Hey, Hermione...&quot;. Hermione answers &quot;Hey, what's up? Harry types &quot;My dick turned into a beanstalk.&quot; Hermione gets a look of exacerbation. We cut back to Harry's phone. Hermione's screen name is Hermy &quot;@Library&quot; G. Hermione types the answer &quot;Stalkus minimus&quot;]''
:'''Harry''': Stalkus Minimus. Stalkus Minimus. Stalkus Minumus.
:''[The beanstalk recedes back into Harry's groin. Harry is relieved that it is gone. The woman opens the door wearing a red lace panty and bra set. Harry stands up to face her]''
:'''Woman''': Now let me see what the famous Harry Potter's packing. ''[goes over to Harry, kneals down and opens his pants giggling]'' Why do you have a vag?
:''[We cut back to Hermione, smiling, picks her book up and starts reading again]''

===Eviscerated Post-Coital by a Six Foot Mantis [6.11]===
:''[Luigi defeats a Koopa Troopa when Mario hits a block with his head, causing several coins to come out]''
:'''Mario''': Ah! Wait a minute! Luigi, all-a these gold coins! They're everywhere!
:'''Luigi''': ''[jumps down and hits another coin block]'' Why are we wasting our lives in the sewers? Our new lives are starting now!
:''[Transition to the scene where various Mario characters are near the spa]''
:'''Bullet Bill''': ''[flying over Mario and Luigi]'' Mario, your new place is awesome! ''[crashes into a statue]'' Oh, sorry bro.
:'''Mario''': ''[laughs]'' Hey-a, not to worry. There's-a plenty more where that came from. ''[begins hitting a coin block]''
:''[Transition to another scene with Luigi and Birdo in a garage with 3 karts]''
:'''Luigi''': Me and-a Mario, we get-a used to the finer things. Now, how about you show me how to use that-a honker of yours.
:'''Birdo''': Uh, I don't know.
:''[Luigi begins hitting a coin block, Birdo then walks towards Luigi's crotch, unzipping is heard]'''
:'''Luigi''': Oh, ding-ding-ding! Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! Now, I'm-a sleepy.
:''[Transition to another scene with Mario, Bowser, and Peach on the front door]''
:'''Bowser''': Hey. You guys used to come by on a pretty regular basis, but I haven't seen you in awhile.
:'''Mario''': We take a-the lady. How about you order yourself a nice mail-order bride? Now scram, capiche?
:''[Transition to a scene with Mario and Peach in bed. The camera pans towards the left revealing Waluigi]''
:'''Waluigi''': You-a were-a war-velous.
:'''Mario''': Oh, mama ''[bleeping]''ing mia.
:'''Transition to another scene with Mario and Luigi on a thrashed kitchen]''
:'''Luigi''': Mario, the mortgage, she's-a due!
:'''Mario''': Everybody wants a piece of the Mario. ''[hits a block, but it's empty]''
:'''Luigi: Mario!
:'''Mario''': Come on! Come on, you son of a bitch! ''[starts crying]''
:'''Luigi''': ''[consoling him]'' Mario. It's-a over.
:''[Transition to another scene with Mario, Luigi, Peach and Bowser watching Mario and Luigi's mansion getting demolished]''
:'''Princess Peach''': Hey, any chance you want to kidnap me and put me up in your castle?
:'''Bowser''': No way, princess. I'm spoken for now. ''[referring to a female Bowser lookalike with her breasts showing next to him]''
:''[Transition to the last scene with Mario, Luigi, Peach and Baby Mario in what appears to be a run down apartment living room]''
:'''Princess Peach''': ''[talking to Baby Mario]'' And that's why daddy and uncle Luigi are plumbers and we live here instead of a big, fancy house. 
:'''Mario''': Shut up-a your face!

===Butchered in Burbank [6.12]===
:'''Robin Hood''': I am Robin Hood! I steal from the rich and I give to the poor. ''[tosses the necklace towards the woman]''
:'''Woman''': This necklace is covered in jewels. I'm rich!
:'''Robin Hood''': Oh jeez, that's true. ''[shoots an arrow into the woman's hand into a tree]''
:'''Woman''': AH! Me begging hand!
:'''Robin Hood''': ''[steals the necklace from out the woman's hand]'' HAHA! Oh wait, If I steal from the rich, they become poor, and if I give to the poor, they become rich.
:''[Robot 1 and Robot 2 suddenly appear]''
:'''Robot 1''': PARADOX! PARADOX! PARADOX! ''[ its head explodes]''

===Robot Chicken's ATM Christmas Special [6.13]===
:''[At Santa's Workshop, the digital clock rings at 11:59 PM on December 24th]''
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[realizing that he overslept]'' JUMPIN' JAHOOFAH! It's one minute 'til Christmas?!?! ''[gets dressed up, tips the hat rack over trying to get his Santa hat, and bursts into the Workshop where all the elves were still making toys]'' PACK THE TOYS! GET THY LIST! And if those fleabags aren't saddled in 6 seconds, then get your ass under the mistletoe cuz' my boot's gonna give it a ''[bleeping]''ing soul kiss! And WHO was in charge of my wake-up call?! ''[an elf raises his hand, and he smacks the elf to a toy counter. Meanwhile, outside, an elf ties all the reindeer together on the sleigh, and he arrives, stunned]'' Pack your ''[bleep]'' and get out. ''[gets into the sleigh with an elf]'' HYAH! ''[takes off while the elf starts crying. His watch reads 11:59:30 and counting]'' Holy, LET'S DO THIS!
:''[Santa and the elf start dropping presents. One of them crashes through the roof of one house, another crashes through a door, another crashes through a roof, and kills a guy in bed. Santa and the elf continue throwing the presents. One of them punches a hole in the ground where a nun riding a motorcycle falls into]''
:'''Homeless Man''': Santa remembered me! ''[a present falls on him, and splatters his head off, killing him]''
:''[Santa and the elf continue throwing presents until Santa throws the elf out of the sleigh]''
:'''Elf''': Oh, wait a minute!
:''[Santa realized what he had done, and continues this throughout the USA with explosion heard all over, and then he stops in the middle of a road]''
:'''Santa Claus''': BOO-YAH! 15 seconds to spare! I ''[bleep]''ing rule! Santa Dance! ''[starts dancing like a rapper, until he realizes that there is one present left]'' Oh, no, you don't! You're not gonna ''[bleep]'' me! Santa's the one doing the ''[bleep]''ing tonight! ''[in a Ferris Bueller reference, he runs towards the house with the present. He jumps over 2 fences running over anything in his path. But then stops to see a half-naked women, and smiles, then continues. He then stands on a garbage can lid, slides up a slide, jumps off a trampoline, and in super-slow mo, lands on his feet at the house. He tries opening the door, but it's locked]'' Uhhgh! Why won't this thing open?!
:'''Mrs. Claus''': ''[off-screen]'' UHHHGH! ''[we see Santa, who's really having a dream all along, choking her to death, unknowingly]'' SANTA! AAAHHGH! UHGH! YOU'RE HAVING A DREAM!!! ''[then 3 elves burst in with cattle prauds and zap Santa who lets go of her before fainting]'' I HATE Christmas! ''[the elves gasp]'' You heard me!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Announcer''': Welcome back to the &quot;Justin Bieber Christmas Special With Love&quot;.
:''[Transitions to the stage. Justin Bieber walks on as audience members cheer loudly]''
:'''Justin Bieber''': I love you all! ''[the guitar slides down to him while Santa Claus and Frosty the Snowman join in]'' This is a song I wrote about Christmas, and how it makes my heart feel. ''[Frosty at the drums rhythmically click the sticks, then rapidly bangs on the drums. Heavy metal music starts]'' ''[Bleep]'' Christmaaaaaas! / ''[Bleep]'' Christmaaaaaas! / ''[Santa joins in]'' ''[Bleep]'', ''[Bleep]'', ''[Bleep]'', ''[Bleep]'' / I see those presents that you brought me!
:'''Frosty and Santa''': ''[Bleep]'' them!!
:'''Justin Bieber''': I see that ribbon in your hair!
:'''Frosty and Santa''': I'll choke ya with it!!
:'''Justin Bieber''': The Christmas card up on the mantel!
:'''Frosty and Santa''': It's a photo of my dick!!
:'''Justin Bieber''': And all the stockings hung with care!!
:'''Frosty and Santa''': They're filled with my ''[bleep]''!!
:''[The female elves join the stage and dance in the background]''
:'''Justin Bieber''': ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''-''[Bleep]'' Christmas!! ''[slams the guitar on stage. Grinds behind one of the female elves]'' Yeah! Oh yeah!
:'''Executive 1''': We never had this problem with David Cassidy.
:'''Executive 2''': Cassidy was a hack. Bieber is a ''[bleep]''ing artist!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Jason Bourne runs into the forest with his gun, and stops to hear the silence. And all of the sudden, Santa appears and tackles Jason. They're having a stand-off. Jason aims at Santa, who puts the candy cane in his mouth. Jason shoots Santa, but missed. Santa grabs the gun and knocks Jason down. Jason pulls out the knife, and starts attacking Santa by slicing the half of his hat. Santa charges at Jason with the pointy candy cane, but Jason gained his power, breaks Santa's arm, and stabs him in the stomach with the candy cane. He lays Santa down on the ground and backs away]''
:'''Santa Claus''': Boy, you're a hard man to find, Jason. ''[hands a present to Jason]'' Ugh, the list. Look what it makes me do. Look what it makes me do. ''[gags with blood and dies]''
:'''Jason Bourne''': ''[opens his present]'' Parcheesi!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Nerd''': ''[wakes up from his bed]'' Oh boy, oh boy, OH BOY!!! CHRISTMAS!!! YAY!!! ''[hand springs sideways down the stairs]'' Jingle Bells, Mom's in Tears- ''[finds the living room empty]'' What is going on?
:'''Nerd's Mother''': Everybody be cool, we've just been ROBBED!!!
:'''Nerd's Father''': Bastards even took the tree! What could the black market value on a rapidly browning Douglas fern possibly be?!
:'''Nerd''': No-No presents?!?!
:'''Nerd's Mother''': Oh, honey, it's totally fine. We're gonna have... ''[holds up an imaginary present]'' pretend Christmas! Open it!
:'''Nerd''': It's uh...
:'''Nerd's Mother''': It's just a mint card version 2: Snake Eyes from 1985 with an AFA grade of 99!
:'''Nerd''': ''[panicking]'' THIS GOT STOLEN?!? AARRRGH! ''[runs out of the house]''
:'''Nerd's Mother''': Sweetie! You didn't open your brand-original artwork from G.I. Joe #21, with signed certificate from CREATOR LARRY HAMA!!!!
:'''Nerd''': AARRRGGGH!! ''[crying]'' Why did this happen to me?!?! ''[hearing a song from a distance]'' Huh? ''[sees a few citizens chanting a song and forming a circle]''
:'''Dave''': Join us, friend. All our houses were robbed.
:'''Nerd''': Thanks, but I don't wanna sing and feel better.
:'''Dave''': ''[laughs]'' No, we're not singing to feel better. We're chanting to raise the Spirit of Vengeance from the depths of hell to seek out the mother''[bleep]''ers who stole my children's iPads, and disembowel them with a giant flaming spear.
:'''Citizen 1''': You're in the wrong circle, Dave! The Chant for VENGEANCE circle is over there! ''[points to another chanting circle with a chuckle]''
:'''Dave''': Aw, dammit!
:'''Nerd''': Wait a minute! The stolen presents, the singing rubes...I know this story! ''[gasps]'' That means the thief should be... ''[on Mt. Crumpet, the Grinch is seen riding a sleigh to the top]'' AH-HAH!!! ''[cut to him, climbing on Mt. Crumpet]'' In hindsight, racing up this icy mountain in a onesy was a bad idea! Can't...go...on! ''[a thought bubble of Snake Eyes appears]'' Oh, Snake Eyes! You'll have some inspirational words for me! ''[Snake Eyes says nothing]'' ...Uh...kind of dropping the ball, Snake Eyes. ''[another thought bubble of live-action Larry Hama appears]'' Wow, Larry Hama!
:'''Larry Hama''': You can do it! Believe in yourself!
:'''Nerd''': Not the most original words of inspiration I've ever heard.
:'''Larry Hama''': Look, kid. I used to write a comic book that was basically worth the news in a toy catalog. ''[picks up his book]'' Now, if you want me to read some passages from my unfinished novel...
:'''Nerd''': No, thank you. ''[continues climbing until he makes it to the top where the Grinch's sleigh is]'' GRINCH!! COME OUT OF THAT SLEIGH SO I CAN WHIP THE GREEN OFF YOUR BITCH ASS! ''[to the audience]'' It's easy to talk tough to a villain when his little bird was even bonier than your own. ''[gasps when he sees the Grinch who reveals himself to be the Jim Carrey version of the himself from the eponymous 2000 film]'' You're not the cartoon Grinch, you're the stupid-ass Jim Carrey Grinch!
:'''JC Grinch''': A Grinch is a Grinch, my little friend! And I'm afraid your precious presents are-
:'''Nerd''': ''[grabs JC Grinch by the coat]'' You took the best cartoon of all time, AND YOU PISSED IN IT'S MOUTH!!!
:'''JC Grinch''': Hey, hey, hey, let's not get personal.
:'''Nerd''': You know what? Keep my stuff! I'm about to give myself the best Christmas present of all time! ''[pushes the Grinch's sleigh]''
:'''JC Grinch''': NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ''[falls off the mountain with his sleigh, and crashes down below]''
:'''Nerd''': MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NI-- ''[the barking is heard]'' Oh my, Gosh! That little Stockholm's Syndrome dog! ''[Max hands him a G.I. Joe card of Snake Eyes]'' OH MY GOSH!!! ''[sighs]'' These tooth marks are really gonna affect the AFA grading, though.
:''[Max whines. Meanwhile, back in the Town, the citizens continue chanting their Spirit of Vengeance song]''
:'''Citizen 2''': ''[dragging the Grinch's dead body with blood]'' Everyone! Look what fell through my roof! The Christmas thief!
:'''Dave''': THE SPIRIT OF VENGEANCE ANSWERED OUR PRAYERS!!! ''[everyone cheers; brief pause]'' Would the Spirit of Vengeance want us to rape it?
:'''Citizen 1''': It is Christmas.
:''[Everyone cheers]''

===Papercut to Aorta [6.14]===
:''[Open in on Statler and Waldorf in their box''
:'''Statler''': That movie was great. And by that, I mean great for a nap. Doh-ho-ho-ho!
:'''Waldorf''': Yes, although I did think the main protagonist had some nuance moments, especially when the cinematographer switched to a wide-angle lens during the...
:'''Statler''': I don't even know you anymore.

===Caffeine-Induced Aneurysm [6.15]===
:''[We cut to two clowns who entertains kids at a boy named Timmy's birthday party]''
:'''Happy Clown''': ''[honks with horn]'' Hey Sad Clown, why are you so sad?!
:'''Sad Clown''': My wife died!
:'''Happy Clown''': ''[walks up to the sad clown and holds his hand near his mouth]'' Uh, that wasn't in the script.
:'''Sad Clown''': I know! ''[starts crying loudly]''
:''[The happy clown backs away]''

===Eaten by Cats [6.16]===
:''[We start out in the Command Center with Alpha 5 and Zordon]''
:'''Zordon''': Alpha 5, Rita Repulsa's going to strike very soon, and we haven't recruited any new Power Rangers!
:'''Alpha 5''': I'm beaming up four young recruits. They already have color-coded costumes.
:''[In an instant, the Teletubbies are teleported to the Command Center]''
:'''Tinky Winky''': Ooohh...
:'''Zordon''': Welcome, my new Power Rangers. What are your names?
:'''Tinky Winky''': Hi. Tinky...Winky.
:'''Dipsy''': Hi. Dipsy.
:'''Laa-Laa''': Laa-Laa.
:'''Zordon''': Uh, how long is this going to take? Ball park it for me.
:''[Po simply blinks at Zordon for a few seconds, irritating him]''
:'''Zordon''': Just tell me your name!
:'''Po''': Poooooooooooooooo!
:'''Zordon''': ''[worried]'' Guys, pick up the pace a little-
:'''Tinky Winky''': Tinky...Winky.
:'''Zordon''': Yeah, we've established your name is Tinky Winky. (being sarcastic) Ah, screw it! We gotta go! ''[we cut to the Teletubbies in another distant planet, and Eye Guy is shown in the distance]'' Okay, there's a giant monster approaching.
:'''Laa-Laa''': Yay!
:'''Zordon''': No, not yay.
:'''Dipsy''': Hold hands?
:'''Zordon''': No, not hold hands! 
:'''Tinky Winky''': Hold hands!
:'''Po''': H-H-H-H-Haaands!
:'''Dipsy''': ''[in Laa-Laa's voice]'' Hold hands.
:'''Zordon''': ''[very frustrated]'' Call your Zords!
:'''Tinky Winky''': Oh.
:'''Laa-Laa''': Zords!
:'''Zordon''': Yes! Now we're on the right track!
:'''Po''': Hold hands!
:'''Zordon''': ''[in defeat]'' No! This is impossible! ''[Bleep]'' you guys! ''[teleports out of sight in fury]''
:''[Eye Guy arrives and crushes Tinky Winky, Dipsy, and Laa-Laa to death beneath his foot with a squishing sound]''
:'''Po''': ''[confused]'' Tinky...Winky?
:''[The camera zooms into Po's belly, where static is seen and goes into the next segment]''

===Botched Jewel Heist [6.17]===
:''[The sketch opens at the dining room table with Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse, Donald Duck, Daisy Duck, Goofy and Clarabelle Cow seated around it]''
:'''Minnie''': So Goofy, did your parents take it okay when you told them that you and Clarabelle are together?
:'''Goofy''': Well of course, Minnie. Why wouldn't they?
:'''Mickey''': Because she's a cow and you're a dog! It's-It's unnatural!
:'''Donald''': Somebody finally said it!
:'''Goofy''': But gawrsh, you guys, th-there isn't anyone like me out there.
:'''Mickey''': Well, there's Pluto.
:''[Cut to Pluto licking his gonads in the corner]''
:'''Goofy''': I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. ''[leaves with Clarabelle]''
:''[We cut to the clubhouse meeting with various Walt Disney cartoon characters in the audience]''
:'''Mickey''': I move we vote to ban mixed-species couples from the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Do I have a second?
:'''Donald''': I second!
:'''Chip''': No! You can't legislate love!
:'''The Prince''': Oh, really? Two confirmed bachelors who co-habitated their entire lives have liberal social ethics? Shocker!
:'''Chip''': We're brothers!
:'''Dale''': We're cousins!
:'''The Prince''': Get your story straight, fellas.
:'''Beast''': Uh, just a reminder. I'm actually human under all of this, so Belle and I are cool, right, guys? ''[no response]'' Guys?
:'''Mickey''': All right, enough, enough. All in favor?
:'''Everyone''': I!
:'''Mickey''': The motion passes!
:''[The audience clamors]''
:'''Walt Disney''': ''[steps out from behind]'' Everyone, please stop fighting! I, Walt Disney, created you to spread happiness to the world, not bigotry.
:'''Uncle Remus''': He sure did! Just look at me, Uncle Remus! You tells 'em, Massa Disney!
:'''Walt Disney''': I guess it's back to the grave. Disney out! ''[makes a Nazi salute and disappears as the crowd gasps]''

===Robot Fight Accident [6.18]===
:''[Cut to Elroy and Astro returning home after a field trip, George comes floating on a chair]''
:'''George''': Hey, Elroy. How was your field trip?
:'''Elroy''': Great, dad. We studied an abandoned ship and found a bunch of these. ''[holds up an alien egg]''
:'''George''': Well! A foreboding alien egg! Let's burn it until there's nothing left but ashes. Anyone who doesn't do exactly that is the lowest form of fool.
:'''Elroy''': Aw, dad, can't I keep it?
:'''George''': Well, for the sake of entertainment, yeah, sure.
:''[The egg hatches a facehugger which crawls across the room and then proceeds to hump Astro's ass]''
:'''Astro''': Reorge! Rad ralien! Rad ralien! ''[George! Bad Alien! Bad Alien!]''
:'''Elroy''': ''[walks the facehugger on a leash]'' Yeah, Astro, he is a pretty rad alien.
:'''Astro''': Ro! Ranger! Ranger! ''[No! Danger! Danger!]''
:'''Elroy''': Ranger's a great name. Good idea, boy.
:'''Astro''': Ro! Ro! Ro! ''[No! No! No!]''
:'''George''': Settle down! Go sniff another dog's butt or something.
:'''Astro''': Rassrole. ''[Asshole]''
:''[Cut to Jane, Judy, and George at the dinner table]''
:'''Jane''': Now, Judy, your father and I are worried about how little you eat, so today you're having an entire breakfast pill, young lady. ''[puts a breakfast pill on Judy's plate]''
:'''Elroy''': ''[enters the room with Ranger lying dead in his arms]'' Ranger slept on my face all night, and when I woke up, he was dead! It makes me so sad, I feel like my heart is gonna rip out of my-Ggggrrrhhh! ''[chokes and convulses in pain. Jane and Judy gasp]''
:'''George''': Wow! You really are sad!
:''[A chestburster bursts from Elroy's chest, killing him]''
:'''Jane''': Stop him, George! ''[George tries to catch the chestburster on a moving conveyor belt, but George gets stuck running in place at it, and the chestburster escapes in an air vent]'' Looks like we need a strong female role model to handle this problem. ''[strips down to a tank top and underwear]''
:'''George''': You might want to stable that high horse, Jane. I'm getting some mixed signals here. ''[Jane and Judy arm themselves with guns, while George presses a button on his briefcase, only to find that it only contained papers]'' Aw, dang it.
:''[The now grown creature leaves the air vent and roars at George]''
:'''Jane''': It must have had an inexplicably short growth span!
:'''Judy''': On the bright side, it sure does move this story forward at a snappy pace.
:'''George''': ''[hits the creature with a rolled-up newspaper with a hit count]'' Hurry up! I've only got three whacks left!
:''[The creature kills George and knocks out Jane with its tail]''
:'''Judy''': ''[approaching the creature]'' Tall, dark, and mysterious? Oh, what a dream-
:''[But the creature impales Judy through the mouth with it's inner mouth, killing her]''
:'''Rosie''': Get away from her, you bitch!
:''[Machine guns pops out from Rosie, and as Jane regains consciousness, the creature is shot by Rosie, causing it to bleed acid and fall down from the Jetson home]''
:'''Jane''': Phew. It's over.
:'''Astro''': Reah. Rhew! ''[Yeah. Phew!]'' Rrraaarrrrggghh! ''[a chestburster bursts from hiss ass, due to Ranger humping him earlier]''
:'''Jane''': You know that's scary exactly once. ''[she and Rosie shoot at the chestburster, killing both the creature and Astro]''

===Choked on a Bottle Cap [6.19]===
:'''Flik''': ''[making a speech to the Circus Bugs]'' Everyone rest up! In the morning, we start the long trip home to confront Hopper and his evil gang! ''[hears loud music and cheering, and finds Mr. Mayfly having a party]'' Excuse me, Mr. Mayfly, can you keep it down? We have-We have a really big day tomorrow.
:'''Mr. Mayfly''': Oh, really? Well, my entire lifespan is three hours, so...''[BLEEP]'' YOUR BIG DAY!
:'''Mrs. Mayfly''': Oh, a man at last! I've already been alive a half-hour, and I need to get pregnant right now!
:'''Mr. Mayfly''': Oh yeah!
:''[We cut to Flik trying to sleep while the two mayflies make love; Flik is annoyed by their sex]''
:'''Mrs. Mayfly''': Oh, my God, this is the best sex of my whole life! ''[laughs about this. The next shot is of her giving birth, making Flik cover his ears in frustration]'' Get it out of me!
:''[A handful of eggs come out of her as she screams; then we slide to the middle-aged couple arguing while Flik punches himself in the head]''
:'''Mr. Mayfly''': Look, I've got at least 47 good minutes left in me, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna waste them!
:'''Mrs. Mayfly''': You're a midlife cliche!
:''[Flik groans and punches himself some more; the next shot is the elderly Mrs. Mayfly crying. Flik, still waiting for everything to be over, is in fetal position]''
:'''Mr. Mayfly''': ''[depressed]'' Aw, what was the point of it all? LIVE, REPRODUCE, DIE?! IT'S A SICK JOKE! A SICK- ''[gags and dies, making his wife follow suit]''
:'''Flik''': ''[looks at the dead couple; relieved]'' Oh, finally.
:'''Baby Mayfly''': ''[hatched from one of the eggs]'' Wo-hoooo! Party time, baby!
:'''Flik''': ''[irritated]'' OHHH, ''[BLEEP]'' ME!

===Immortal [6.20]===
:''[The door to a wooden cabin flies open. Five teens walk in one after the other]''
:'''Curt Vaughn''': Party weekend at the cabin! Let's all toss a football around!
:'''Marty Mikalski''': I say we all get hiiiiggghhh!
:'''Holden McCrea''': I really have some studying to do!
:'''Jules Louden''': Let's all have sex!
:'''Dana Polk''': I'm not having sex until I find that special someone. (simpers)
:''[Cut to a control room. Seth Green and Matthew Senreich are sat at computer desks, with Zeb Wells sat at a security desk behind them]''
:'''Matthew Senreich''': Wow, now those were some efficient character introductions!
:'''Seth Green''': When you're making entertainment to appease the gods, you gotta be clear about it.
:'''Zeb Wells''': Wait a minute, what's this about gods?
:'''Seth Green''': Yeah, in the old days, a simple human sacrifice would do, but the gods got more sophisticated over time.
:'''Zeb Wells''': Wait a minute! Isn't this exactly like that Joss Whedon movie, Cabin in the Woods, written and directed by Drew Goddard?
:'''Seth Green''': ''[appears by Zeb's desk]'' Oh, I think I hear Roger Ebert, but he can't talk anymore so... ''[jumps on Zeb's desk to yell in his face]'' WHO THE ''[BLEEP]'' ARE YOU?! ''[turning away from a stunned Zeb, he presses a button on a remote control]''
:''[In the cabin, a trap door opens up, with a staircase leading down to a basement]''
:'''Marty Mikalski''': I bet that basement is a great place to get hiiiigggghhhh! ''[goes down]''
:'''Curt Vaughn''': ''[goes down into the basement]'' Maybe there's some footballs down there!
:'''Holden McCrea''': Or books for reading! ''[goes down]''
:'''Jules Louden''': Or a place to get our booonnneee on! ''[goes down]''
:'''Dana Polk''': Or a place to keep our penises flaccid and our vaginas dry. ''[goes down]''
:''[Cut to the control room]''
:'''Zeb Wells''': Wait, entertainment for the gods and you guys are in charge of it?!
:'''Matt Senreich''': There are lots of gods... ''[shows Zeb video screens with footage of numerous gods]''
:'''Seth Green''': But currently only one god needs appeasing. ''[shows a video screen showing a teenager getting high and watching Robot Chicken]''
:'''Zeb Wells''': Wait, wait, guys, that god looks exactly like your average Adult Swim viewer!
:'''Matt Senreich''': Does he? Or do Adult Swim viewers look like him?
:'''Seth Green''': The point is, no one panders to Adult Swim viewers like we do. ''[cut to the cabin, where the teens are examing objects left in the basement]'' The cellar is full of talismans; whatever they choose, that's what will kill them all!
:'''Matt Senreich''': ''[Dana picks up the novel Twilight]'' If she opens one of those books, they'll all be impregnated by vampires!
:''[Cut to the Cullen family assaulting the group. A baby vampire bursts from Jules's stomach like in Alien]''
:'''Seth Green''': ''[as Holden looks at a copy of Watchman]'' If he opens that book, Alan Moore will be very unhappy!
:''[Sure enough, Alan Moore descends roaring from the ceiling, using tentacles made from his beard to attack the group]''
:'''Matt Senreich''': ''[as one of them lingers over a Classic Football game]'' If he picks that up, they'll all become so bored that-
:'''Marty Mikalski''': Hey check it out! A Robot Chicken Nerd action figure!
:'''Nerd''': ''[suddenly appears in front of everyone]'' Hi, everybody! Ooh, it's spooky down here! Yuck is that a spider?!
:''[Cut to the control room, where all three are watching in stunned silence]''
:'''Seth Green''': ''[exasperated]'' Ok, the second thing they choose, that's what kills them all
:'''Holden McCrea''': Where'd he come from?! Oh come on, guys! We can't have two nerds!
:''[A thrown axe hits Holden in the face. All turn round to see an axe wielding zombie Joss Whedon behind them. In the control room, Seth and Matt high-five while Zeb looks on in shock]''
:'''Matt Senreich''': Zombie Joss Whedon! All right! Someone found the Buffy DVDs!
:'''Jules Louden''': ''[discards a copy of Buffy the Vampire Slayer]'' Gross! I though this was a cheerleading documentary!
:'''Zeb Wells''': Why is Joss Whedon a zombie?!
:'''Seth Green''': Punishment! We told him about this place over drinks, and next thing we knew, Cabin in the Woods was in theaters nationwide!
:'''Matt Senreich''': People weren't necessarily in those theaters...
:'''Seth Green''': Regardless, we made him a zombie.
:''[In the woods, Zombie Joss Whedon is chasing the teens. He hurls his axe, severing Curt's legs at the knees]''
:'''Zombie Joss Whedon''': Now you cut short...like my TV series Firefly!
:'''Jules Louden''': ''[leaps on him and starts punching]'' You bastard! We were going to be together forever!
:'''Zombie Joss Whedon''': ''[pulls her off and punches his fist through her torso]'' That's short-sighted...like FOX execs when they cancelled Dollhouse.
:''[Cut to Marty hiding behind a tree]''
:'''Marty Mikalski''': Being chased by a zombie fills me with anxiety...and you know what's good for anxiety? Getting high!
:'''Zombie Joss Whedon''': ''[appears, pushes Marty's bong through his skull to pin him to the tree, then chops his head off]'' ''[Bleep]'' network tv...is the point I was making earlier.
:''[Cut to the control room]''
:'''Seth Green''': Ok, here's where it gets tricky; the virgin has to die last!
:'''Zeb Wells''': We're three quarters of the way through this thing, and you drop that bombshell now?!
:''[In the woods, Dana and the Nerd run for their lives]''
:'''Nerd''': ''[trips over a bush, revealing a hole leading into the ground]'' Quick, I'm gonna get into the hole under the bush! ''[jumps down the hole]''
:'''Dana Polk''': The hell you will! ''[realizes]'' Oh. ''[jumps down, and the two find themselves in a room full of glass-fronted cells, containing monsters and creatures from other Robot Chicken sketches]''
:'''Nerd''': What is this place?!
:''[Cut to the control room]''
:'''Matt Senreich''': Uh-oh!
:'''Seth Green''': They discovered our zoo! ''[turns to Zeb]'' You know, our zoo of mythical creatures and monsters and animals that-
:'''Zeb Wells''': Thanks, got it!
:''[Cut to the zoo. The two pass by a cage holding Skeletor, who growls; Dana screams]''
:'''Nerd''': Whoa, Skeletor!
:'''Skeletor''': ''[sarcastically]'' On my planet, you would be Nerdtor, Lord of Crusty Sock Mountain! ''[normal voice]'' Honestly, kid, ''[bleep]'' off!
:''[An axe hits the glass; Zombie Joss has caught up to them. The pair run, reaching a door which won't open]''
:'''Nerd''': Oh no, it's locked!
:'''Dana Polk''': Try pulling the switch that says unlocked! ''[she does, but all it does is unlock the cages, unleashing the creatures]''
:'''Nerd''': Whoops, it turns counter-clockwise!
:'''Dana Polk''': Just go! ''[shoves the Nerd through the door, while the monsters attack Zombie Joss, who fends them off]''
:'''Zombie Joss Whedon''': Grrr! Arrgh!
:''[Dana and the Nerd stop running in the corridor, next to a broom closet]''
:'''Nerd''': Wait, I figured it out! We're re-enacting a horror movie! The virgin always dies last...
:'''Nerd &amp; Dana''': ''[together]'' So I guess I'm next! Wait, you mean you're a-?! Me too!
:'''Nerd''': Wow! It's literally ''[bleep]'' or die! ''[awkward pause]'' Soooo....?
:'''Dana Polk''': I haven't decided yet!
:'''Zombie Joss Whedon''': ''[fights his way free of the zoo and resumes pursuit]'' Grrr! Arrgh! ''[stops by the broom closet, from which voices are coming]''
:'''Nerd''': Wait a minute, so I put this in there?!
:'''Dana Polk''': Yes! Then move it back and forth for about thirty to forty minutes!
:'''Nerd''': ''[groans]'' Finished! Thank you!
:'''Dana Polk''': I waited twenty-three years for that?!
:''[Zombie Joss Whedon collapses and disintegrates]''
:'''Nerd''': We win!
:''[Cut to the control room]''
:'''Seth Green''': ''[stunned]'' I can't believe it. They won!
:'''Matt Senreich''': The earth is doomed!
:'''Zeb Wells''': Holy crap! So now that God destroys us all?!
:'''Seth Green''': Maybe not! His generation is really sporadic with their viewing habits; he could catch it online in a few weeks or next year when the DVD boxset comes out-!
:''[On the video screen, a scowling Mike Lazzo and Keith Crofford appear]''
:'''Seth &amp; Matt''': ''[resigned]'' Hi, Keith. Hi Lazzo.
:'''Mike Lazzo''': You dumb-asses realize you're cancelled, right?!
:'''Seth &amp; Matt''': Yes. ''[both pull out guns and proceed to blow their brains out]''
:'''Zeb Wells''': ''[grins]'' Looks like Adult Swim needs a new show! So there's this security guard named Zeb, he's tough but fair and his co-workers are all wacky but in different ways-
:'''Mike Lazzo''': I'm gonna stop you right there. Who the ''[bleep]'' are you?</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147492</id>
      <parentid>3147491</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:06:09Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
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      <comment>/* Hemlock, Gin and Juice [6.09] */</comment>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="55559" xml:space="preserve">===Executed by the State [6.01]===
:'''Gadget''': Go Go, Gadget! Go Go!
:''[A bird cage pops out of Inspector Gadget's head as he rips his clothes off with only his shoes, golden underwear, and hat on and starts dancing while pop music starts. He groans and cheers; Zooms up on his underwear a couple of times]''

===Crushed by a Steamroller on My 53rd Birthday [6.02]===
:''[A boy and girl are standing next to a Christmas tree that has no presents under it]''
:'''Boy and Girl''': ''[disappointed]'' Aww.
:'''Boy''': Mom and dad couldn't afford our Christmas presents because the price of gas is so high.
:'''Girl''': But I've been extra good. Swear I'm gonna ''[bleep]'' some ''[bleep]'' up next year.
:'''Captain America''': ''[off-screen]'' Did somebody say &quot;energy crisis&quot;? ''[flies into the house]''
:'''Boy and Girl''': Not in those exact words, Captain America.
:'''Captain America''': The high cost of energy is crippling America, kids.
:'''Boy and Girl''': But what can we do?
:'''Captain America''': We can lick this problem if we all do our part together. ''[stands next to the thermostat]'' Turn the dial down to 68 degrees, and we'll use less heating oil.
:'''Girl''': We're not gonna do that. My feet get cold.
:'''Captain America''': Uh, okay. Next tip. ''[next to the TV, holding the plug in his hand]'' Electronics still use energy even when turned off. Make sure to unplug them.
:'''Boy''': That sounds exhausting.
:'''Girl''': Pass.
:'''Captain America''': Uh... ''[we cut to outside, next to a clothes line full of clothes]'' Clothes dryers are 20% of a home's energy bill. Dry your laundry outdoors, and save power.
:'''Girl''': I'd never wait that long.
:'''Boy''': Nobody's gonna do that.
:'''Captain America''': Oh, fine. ''[Bleep]'' you then. ''[throws his shield down, which breaks a window. He then storm off, getting caught in the clothes line and breaking it.
:''[Back inside mom and dad are awake]''
:'''Dad''': Sorry we couldn't afford gifts this year, kids.
:'''Girl''': That's okay. It's enough that you don't force us to live like a bunch of broke-ass hippies.
:'''Whole Family''': Aww.
:''[We cut to Captain America, who is sitting in a chair with his uniform hanging on a clothes line outside]''
:'''Captain America''': ''[shivering]'' My feet are ''[bleep]''ing freezing.

===Punctured Jugular [6.03]===
:''[In the middle of the Pacific Ocean, Chuck Noland is resting on the drift when Wilson the ball is accidentally set adrift on water]''
:'''Chuck Noland''': ''[wakes up in panic]'' No! Wilson! ''[cries]''
:''[At nightfall, Wilson floats across the Pacific Ocean, and stops in front of the fishing boat. The doctor notices the ball, and picks it up. We cut to the cabin where the doctor examines Wilson]''
:'''Doctor''': ''[to Wilson]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't try to move. You're still very weak. Tell me, who are you? ''[silence]'' Oh. You've lost your memory. ''[the fishing boat bumps at the harbor, causing Wilson to roll out of the boat]'' Wait! Wait, my friend! We can help you!
:''[Wilson rolled and bounced out of the harbor, and landed on the bench at the park]''
:'''Policeman''': ''[to Wilson]'' Hey, you bum! No loitering in the park. Come on. Let's see some I.D. ''[silence]'' Stand down, or I'll use force! ''[kicks Wilson who bounced at the bench and hits him in the face]'' Ow! ''[in his walkie-talkie as Wilson bounced away]'' All units, we have a fleeing suspect who's just attacked an officer.
:''[Wilson bounced and lands on the car seat inside the woman's car]''
:'''Woman''': ''[startled]'' Aah! Oh! Don't hurt me! I'll take you wherever you need to go! ''[drives off with Wilson, only to be chased by the police]'' Why are the police after you? ''[silence]'' Oh, you're right. I do talk too much. I can't lose them. ''[switching seats with Wilson]'' Take the wheel!
:''[The car crashed through the bridge and splashed in the river, which is floating them away from the police]''
:'''Policeman''': Stop! Ah! They're getting away!
:'''Woman''': ''[relieved]'' You did it! You're amazing! Oh, ''[bleep]'' you cops! I've never felt so alive! ''[making out with Wilson; cut to living room where they entered]'' This is my brother's place, but he's on vacation right now. ''[then the SWAT team crashed through windows and surround them]'' Save us! ''[throws Wilson at the SWAT team]''
:'''SWAT Team Member 1''': I got it. I got it! ''[hits Wilson, as if playing volleyball]''
:'''SWAT Team Member 2''': ''[holding Wilson, as if the ball's trying to bite him]'' Oh, get it off me! Get it off me!
:'''SWAT Team Member 1''': ''[holding the gun]'' Stay back! Stay back! Stay back! ''[shoots the ball, but accidentally kills SWAT team member 2 and falls out of the window]''
:''[The grenade rolls out of SWAT team member 2's hand, and was about to explode]''
:'''Woman''': ''[last words]'' Look out!
:''[The grenade explodes, sending Wilson out of the window; cut to Chuck and Kelly outside of her house]''
:'''Kelly Fears''': Everyone thought you were dead. I love you, but I have a family now. ''[getting hit by Wilson]'' Ow!
:'''Chuck Noland''': ''[surprised]'' Wilson! I thought I'd lost you forever!
:'''Kelly Fears''': ''[in pain]'' Did you just hit me in the face? I am calling the cops! Ow.
:'''Wilson''': ''[suddenly talking in his deep voice]'' No witnesses.
:'''Chuck Noland''': ''[about to strangle Kelly]'' No witnesses.
:''[Kelly gasps before going static]''

===Poisoned by Relatives [6.04]===
:'''Announcer (Zeb Wells)''': Previously on The Fattest Fat Loser, the contestants got real!
:'''Miss Piggy''': Moi has always considered oneself pleasantly plump. That is until I shattered Kermit's pelvis. 
:''[Camera cuts to a bedroom with Kermit and Miss Piggy having sex in the middle of filming an intercourse tape]''
:'''Kermit The Frog''': AHHHHHHHH! Get off of me you ''[bleep]''ing wildebeest!
:''[Camera cuts to Mario]''
:'''Mario''': My brother Luigi and me, we used to be the same. ''[holds up a picture of him and 8-bit Luigi from &quot;Super Mario Bros.&quot;, from the NES]'' But after a few years-a, ''[shows a picture of him and Luigi from the Nintendo 64-era games]'' if I don't-a change-a my ways, ''[shows a picture of an extremely fat Mario and Luigi running away]'' this is what the Doctor's projected I will look like.
:''[Camera cuts to Winnie the Pooh]''
:'''Winnie the Pooh''': I've gained so much weight, I can't even fit in Rabbit's hole anymore. ''[pauses in confusion]'' What?
:''[Camera cuts to Garfield]''
:'''Garfield''': I just wanna lick my balls one more time or at least be able to see them. Wait, wait, I mean, I hate Mondays!
:''[A montage of the characters training is shown to the song &quot;Follow your Heart&quot; and culminates with all the characters standing on stage and waving to the camera]''
:'''Announcer (Zeb Wells)''': The Fattest Fat Loser! ''[farts]'' Gross!
:''[Camera cuts to Barbie]''
:'''Barbie''': I've made little girls self-conscious about their bodies for decades. That makes me the perfect trainer for this show. Of course, I am hungry all the time, so I can get a little irritable. ''[Camera cuts to her and Mario, who is knocking a speed bag while jumping]'' Double time, Super Lardio!
:'''Mario''': I can-a do this all day.
:'''Barbie''': THEN WHY ARE YOU STILL FAT?!?! So sorry. Follow your dreams. YOU FAT ''[BLEEP]''! Sorry. Find your shining star.
:''[Camera cuts to Barbie and Miss Piggy doing Kung Fu]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Vous would like to spar with moi? Ah ha ha. I'm a fourth-degree black belt, sweetie.
:'''Camera cuts back to Barbie]''
:'''Barbie''': You have to shatter their delusions before you can reach them. The way my delusion of eating another Tiramisu which shattered at age 12. ''[camera cuts back to her and Miss Piggy and doing Kung Fu]'' If you thought Fitness Trainer Barbie was a hard ass, you haven't seen Kung Fu Barbie!
:'''Miss Piggy''': Oh yeah?! ''[about to perform karate, but Barbie runs at her and kicks her in the neck and attacks her repeatedly, culminating with her trying to break her arm]'' Moi has to go to the bathroom!
:'''Barbie''': I don't care how you lose weight! ''[Miss Piggy poops and she drops Miss Piggy]'' We've had a real breakthrough here today, Miss Piggy. ''[Miss Piggy whimpers; camera cuts to Barbie standing in front of the contestants who have a wheelbarrow each, with different foods in each one; Garfield has lasagna, Mario has spaghetti, Winnie the Pooh has honey, and Miss Piggy has rice]'' You'll push a wheelbarrow full of your trigger food up to the top of this hill where you'll dump your payload into the fire, symbolically saying goodbye to your former fat ass lives and giving you the strength to leave your co-dependent relationship. ''[chuckles]'' You hear that, Ken?! I don't need you anymore! ''[laughs]'' Please, call me. 
:''[Camera cuts to Winnie the Pooh]''
:'''Winnie the Pooh''': Last fall, Eeyore lost his long battle with depression... ''[camera cuts to Winnie the Pooh holding a pot of Honey in the air]'' For you, Eeyore! ''[begins to pour the honey out of the pot, but it falls very slowly. He looks at the pot and then at the camera, he shrugs. Camera cuts back to his interview after six seconds]'' ...hung himself with his own tail.
:''[Camera cuts back to the contestants about to begin their race]''
:'''Barbie''': And go! ''[fires the starting gun, causing all the contestants to start running]''
:'''Garfield''': Wow! I'm in the lead! I have lost weight! This is rewriting the book on Mondays. ''[gasps]'' My balls! ''[throws his wheelbarrow onto Winnie the Pooh and sits down to lick his groin, but sees nothing there]'' Hey! There's nothing in here! JON, YOU MONDAY-ED MY BALLS!!
:''[Miss Piggy and Mario pass him, both are getting tired but Miss Piggy makes it first and throws her food onto the fire while Mario falls to the ground]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': I won! I won! Phew, I'm roasting out here.
:'''Mario''': ''[sniffs]'' Oh! Is-a that-a my mama's-a prosciutto? ''[gets up and tries to eat Miss Piggy]'' Just-a one-a taste, Mama! One-a bite!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[last words]'' Hey! Get off! Knock it off!
:''[In the process, Miss Piggy falls into the fire]''
:'''Garfield''': ''[arrives in shock]'' Miss Piggy!
:'''Winnie the Pooh''': ''[arrives and also in shock]'' Oh, stuff and fluff!
:'''Mario''': Wait! Let-a her cook.
:'''Winnie the Pooh''': Oh, she does smell delicious.
:''[Garfield nods in agreement; camera cuts to a counter on stage]''
:'''Barbie''': Miss Piggy, your final weight loss is... ''[camera zooms out to show that Miss Piggy's charred bones are being weighed]'' 174 pounds! ''[looks at the three other contestants with disappointment, who are much fatter than they were before]'' The rest of you have GAINED a COMBINED 174 pounds. Miss Piggy, you are the Fattest Fat Loser!
:''[Confetti falls from ceiling]''
:'''Announcer (Zeb Wells)''': ''[farts]'' Gross!

===Hurtled from a Helicopter into a Speeding Train [6.05]===
:''[Azmuth, Gwen and Grandpa Max celebrate Ben's 14th birthday]''
:'''Azmuth''': Happy birthday, young Ben Tennyson!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[gets a pair of socks]'' What's with the crappy gifts, Azmuth? Last time I got a watch that turns me into different aliens.
:'''Azmuth''': That was when you were Ben 10. Now that you're Ben 14, you get more grown-up gifts.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[gets a telescope]'' I saved the world like 40 times this year and this is what I get? This birthday blows.
:'''Azmuth''': It's not over yet. ''[cuts to him and Ben at a window]'' Here's your final present.
:''[The woman next door removes her towel and begins to shower]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Whoa!
:'''Azmuth''': That's for saving the world. Happy birthday, Ben 14!
:''[Ben gets excited for the gifts he received and continues to spy on the woman next door with his telescope]''

===Disemboweled by an Orphan [6.06]===
:''[Two raptors are seen in the jungle]''
:'''Female Raptor 1''': I can't believe the Jurassic Park scientists made us all females! I'm gonna die all alone!
:'''Female Raptor 2''': Crying won't help, there's no way to change it.
:'''Female Raptor 1''': Wrong! Tonight, life finds a way.
:''[The raptors are seen behind two cars heading towards a building. They hide and proceed to snap two workers’ necks. They then act as statues when some other scientists are walking by, The raptors go into the lab and mix some chemicals. When this is all done, the Raptors leave laughing. One day later. a male raptor emerges from a truck and walks to the two females]''
:'''Female Raptor 1''': HE'S HERE! Finally I'm gonna get married, have babies and live happily ever after!
:'''Male raptor''': You got great legs babe, what time do they open? ''[laughs]''
:'''Female Raptor 2''': ''[gasps]'' Asshole!

===In Bed Surrounded by Loved Ones [6.07]===
:''[There is a LEGO house. A LEGO car pulls into the driveway, and Bill gets out of it]''
:'''Bill''': Finally, home to my perfect suburban paradise!
:''[Truck horn. Camera switches view to the house beside Bill's, Earl's house, which is a towering, exotic LEGO structure decorated with satellite dishes and a large propeller attached to the roof. Earl pulls up in that house's driveway, in a car with spaceship parts]''
:'''Earl''': Hey, neighbor! Beautiful day, huh?
:'''Bill''': Ugh! Hi, Earl. I see you still have your satellite dishes up.
:'''Earl''': Yeppers. Of course, there's no point now that the cable's in, but they sure look slick, don't they?
:'''Bill''': And the propeller, any idea when that will come down?
:'''Earl''': ''[chuckles]'' Like I can just remove a load-bearing propeller.
:'''Earl's Wife''': Earl, dinner time!
:'''Earl''': Billy-boy, that's my cue. See you later.
:''[Earl enters the house. Bill has a disgruntled look on his face. Scene cuts to Bill and his wife having sex]''
:'''Bill''': Argh! Yeah, yeah, no.
:'''Bill's Wife''': Ow, you're overthinking. Just put the knob in the hollow end.
:'''Bill''': I know. Just, oh, forget it.
:'''Bill's Wife''': Come on, Bill. What's got you so distracted?
:'''Bill''': Nothing. Leave me alone.
:'''Bill's Wife''': Fine. I don't know why I work so hard to keep up this body if you never want to touch me.
:''[Bill groans and looks at Earl's house. Scene cuts to Earl at his house]''
:'''Earl''': Okay, love of my life, I'm off to work. Bill! What are you doing?!
:''[Cuts to an insane Bill driving a bulldozer]''
:'''Bill''': Your house, Earl, it's gotta go!
:''[Zooms out to Bill being surrounded by LEGO police officers]''
:'''LEGO Police Chief''': Sir, I repeat: Get out of the bulldozer!
:'''Bill''': Green brick, red brick, yellow brick, it's all coming down!
:''[The cops fire their guns at Bill, killing him. The bulldozer crashes into Earl's house]''
:'''LEGO Police Chief''': Calm down, everyone. It's-It's over now.
:'''LEGO Policeman''': Uh, chief, you should take a look at this. ''[camera switches view to the inside of Earl's house, which is full of LEGO heads. The cops gasp]'' Oh my god, it's heads, people's heads!
:'''Earl''': Uh, so, you know... ''[laughs nervously, and tries to make a run for it, but the cops shoot him to death]''
:''[It is revealed that a boy named Scotty and his friend are playing with LEGO bricks and acting out the scenario the whole time]''
:'''Scotty's Friend''': That's where all the head pieces went!? I've been trying to find...Scotty, you idiot!
:'''Scotty''': What? It looks cool.

===Choked on Multi-Colored Scarves [6.08]===
:''[She-Ra and Swift Wind are flying back from battle]''
:'''SHE-RA''': We did it, Swift Wind! The Horde won't bother us again anytime soon. Now let's turn back into plain old Princess Adora and her horse, Spirit. It's meatloaf night at the castle.
:''[They descend to land]''
:'''SWIFT WIND''': No, no, wait, wait! Let me land before you...
:''[About 5 or 6 feet above the ground, She-Ra turns them back into Princess Adora and Spirit. They fall to the ground, breaking one of Spirit's legs]''
:'''SPIRIT''': AHH!!! Oh, my god, bitch! I thought I told you to wait for 5 ''[bleep]''ing seconds!
:'''PRINCESS ADORA''': Spirit! ''[crying]'' I'm so sorry.
:'''SPIRIT''': It seems like a simple rule of thumb ''[blee]'' head! If we're in the air, I need my magic ''[bleep]''ing wings! Now for the love of god, get me a ''[bleep]''ing doctor.
:'''ADORA''': ''[crying, pulls out her sword]'' A doctor can't help you! ''[starts to kill Spirit]''
:'''SPIRIT''': Hold up! Wait a minute! You ''[bleep]''ed up the landing and I get the death penalty?!?!
:'''ADORA''': A horse's broken leg will never heal! Almost 50% of a horse's bones are in its limbs. Besides which, 65% of a horses weight rests on it's front legs.
:'''SPIRIT''': You've sure loaded up both barrels with a lot of high caliber euthanasia factoids, sister. Have you been planning for this?
:'''ADORA''': It's just part of being a responsible horse owner.
:'''CASTASPELLA''': ''[appears]'' Oh, my goodness! What's happened?
:'''ADORA''': Oh, it's terrible, Castaspella!
:'''SPIRIT''': That evil Hordak made us switch bodies again. I'm really Princess Adora, and she's really Spirit.
:'''CASTASPELLA''': ''[literal minded]'' Well, that's easily remedied. Magical mind swap! ''[casts the mind swap spell]''
:'''ADORA''': Wait!
:''[The spell puts Adora into Spirit's body and Spirit into Adora's body]''
:'''ADORA''': ''[in Spirit's body]'' OW! My leg!
:'''SPIRIT''': ''[in Adora's body]'' Well, you know, 65% of the bones, blah, blah, blah. ''[cuts off Adora's, in Spirit's body, head (the horse's head is cut off)]''
:'''CASTASPELLA''': Oh! But I-I'm magic! I could have fixed that in two seconds.
:'''SPIRIT''': ''[in Adora's body]'' Eh. Who's up for meatloaf?

===Hemlock, Gin and Juice [6.09]===
:''[The sketch opens as Thomas the Tank Engine chugs through a meadow with a barn]''
:'''Narrator''': Thomas the Tank Engine was huffing and puffing, when suddenly...
:'''Thomas''': ''[looks around]'' Bust my buffers! This isn't the way to the Whistling Woods.
:''[We snap to a shot of a bank robber driving Thomas]''
:'''Bank Robber''': No, it ain't, pal! Unless the Mayor of Sodor gives me a hundred million bucks, we're gonna drive this dynamite ''[pan to a pile of dynamite that is counting down to explosion]'' right into Knapford Station!
:''[Next, we cut to the Mayor of Sodor's office]''
:'''Mayor's Aid''': ''[enters]'' Uhh, we've got a problem.
:'''Mayor''': Get me Sir Topham Hatt. ''[his aid leaves]'' And you... ''[Rosie appears from behind his desk]'' ...you come back later.
:'''Rosie''': You know my schedule, dear. ''[drives away]''
:''[We cut to Tidmouth Sheds with James and Percy next to each other with Sir Topham Hatt in Percy's cab]''
:'''Sir Topham Hatt''': Okay, people, this is what we trained for. ''[Percy laughs]'' So immature. Can we all just stay on track? ''[James also laughs, irritating him]'' Let's just get this bastard! ''[Percy blasts his whistle, and he and James begin to slowly puff away]'' Move, move, move!
:''[Percy or James' whistle blows and the two engines continue to chug with slowness as James appears to be missing his tender. Eight hours later, as seen on a title card, Percy catches up to Thomas, who is still being driven by the robber]''
:'''Thomas''': Hello, Percy!
:'''Percy''': Hello, Thomas! Wonderful weather for a hijacking, isn't it?
:'''Sir Topham Hatt''': Shut your steam hole and get closer! ''[jumps into Thomas' cab]''
:'''Percy''': ''[puffs onto a curved line away from Thomas]'' I love being really useful!
:''[A penny appears on the rail of the tracks in front of Percy, who accidentally runs over it, causing him to derail and explode into pieces]''
:'''Bank Robber''': ''[holding an axe]'' You'll never take me alive, Sir Topham Hatt! ''[swings it at Sir Topham Hatt, but misses and hits Thomas' controls, causing some oil to squirt out and making Thomas groan in pain]''
:'''Sir Topham Hatt''': Missed me! ''[the robber misses again and hits Thomas once more, causing him to blast out some steam]'' Your blows are harmless!
:''[The robber hits Thomas the third time]''
:'''Thomas''': My internal organs! ''[after the fourth and fifth hit]'' JUST FINISH ME, YOU PUSSIES!
:''[The robber punches Sir Topham Hatt to make him yell in pain, and accidentally pull down Thomas' throttle, causing him to go faster in alarm]''
:'''Bank Robber''': ''[climbing on top of Thomas and speaking to a walkie-talkie]'' Conductor to Skywolf: request pickup.
:'''Harold''': ''[flying towards Thomas]''' Copy that; I'm on my way.
:'''Thomas''': ''[shocked and confused]'' Harold the Helicopter?! You're a part of this?!
:'''Harold''': That's right! I'm tired of taking a back seat to a bunch of steam trains; I can ''[bleep]''ing fly!
:''[Thomas and Harold zoom into a tunnel, where Sir Topham Hatt is just climbing on top of of Thomas as well]''
:'''Bank Robber''': So long, Topham! ''[cackles and turns to Harold]''
:''[Harold tries to catch him, but fails when he hits a wall with his tail blade, breaks down his choppers, falls to the ground, and explodes. Next, his top blade spins right between the two men, who duck as the robber screams, and Thomas makes it out of the tunnel to just barely avoid a huge explosion caused by the blade]''
:'''Thomas''': AH!! ''[crashes through a sign that says: &quot;Track Work Ahead&quot;, leaving him with a left black eye, a bloody nose, and one missing tooth]'' What cruel god would give a grain a face?! ''[chugs towards an unfinished bridge]''
:'''Sir Topham Hatt''': ''[urging]'' PUMP THOSE PISTONS, YOU STEAM POWERED SON OF A BITCH!!!
:''[Thomas chugs even faster, and flies over the cliff, but barely makes it by clinging to a rail ending with his mouth. Meanwhile, the robber and Sir Topham Hatt hang onto the back of Thomas to keep themselves from falling, with the robber clutching one of Sir Topham Hatt's legs]''
:'''Bank Robber''': ''[frightened]'' Topham! Help me!!! I'll turn myself in; I swear! Just pull me up!
:'''Sir Topham Hatt''': End of the line, ''[bleep]''-head. ''[kicks the robber in the head, and he falls screaming down the cliff to his death]''
:''[We then fade to Knapford Station, where the Mayor is giving Sir Topham Hatt his thanks while a crowd applauds]''
:'''Mayor''': ''[shakes Sir Topham Hatt's hand]'' Thank you, everyone! Knapford Station is safe!
:'''Sir Topham Hatt''': You're quite welcome, Mayor!
:'''Mayor''': And how did you dispose of the dynamite?
:'''Sir Topham Hatt''': Uhhhh....
:''[We cut to Thomas, James, Clarabel, and Annie in a siding, which looks normal for a bit, but then the dynamite explodes in Thomas' compartment, destroying everyone. Next, the scene changes to look as if it was from an old book and scrolls downward to reveal the rest of the story, ending with &quot;THE END&quot;]''
:'''Narrator''': ''[reading the text onscreen]'' And with no more public transportation, everyone on Sodor bought a Hummer.
:'''Rosie''': ''[pops out between the story's conclusion and &quot;THE END&quot;]'' Whew, I've got a lot of work to do! Toot Toooot!

===Collateral Damage in Gang Turf War [6.10]===
:''[Harry Potter is sitting on a bed in his bedroom, A woman is in the doorway]''
:'''Woman''': You wait right there, Harry. I'm going to change into something more comfortable.''[leaves]''
:'''Harry''': ''[pulls out his wand]'' Dungus stoutus. ''[taps his groin region and nothing happens]'' Oh, come on. Uh, beefus gurthus. ''[taps his groin region again and nothing happens]'' Polius maximus. ''[taps his groin region and a beanstalk shoots out and up into the air]'' AAAAH!!
:''[Cut to Hermione, who is sitting in a chair reading a book. Her phone vibrates and she checks it. It is a text from H &quot;Chosen 1&quot; Potter, who is really Harry Potter. Harry types &quot;Hey, Hermione...&quot;. Hermione answers &quot;Hey, what's up? Harry types &quot;My dick turned into a beanstalk.&quot; Hermione gets a look of exacerbation. We cut back to Harry's phone. Hermione's screen name is Hermy &quot;@Library&quot; G. Hermione types the answer &quot;Stalkus minimus&quot;]''
:'''Harry''': Stalkus Minimus. Stalkus Minimus. Stalkus Minumus.
:''[The beanstalk recedes back into Harry's groin. Harry is relieved that it is gone. The woman opens the door wearing a red lace panty and bra set. Harry stands up to face her]''
:'''Woman''': Now let me see what the famous Harry Potter's packing. ''[goes over to Harry, kneals down and opens his pants giggling]'' Why do you have a vag?
:''[We cut back to Hermione, smiling, picks her book up and starts reading again]''

===Eviscerated Post-Coital by a Six Foot Mantis [6.11]===
:''[Luigi defeats a Koopa Troopa when Mario hits a block with his head, causing several coins to come out]''
:'''Mario''': Ah! Wait a minute! Luigi, all-a these gold coins! They're everywhere!
:'''Luigi''': ''[jumps down and hits another coin block]'' Why are we wasting our lives in the sewers? Our new lives are starting now!
:''[Transition to the scene where various Mario characters are near the spa]''
:'''Bullet Bill''': ''[flying over Mario and Luigi]'' Mario, your new place is awesome! ''[crashes into a statue]'' Oh, sorry bro.
:'''Mario''': ''[laughs]'' Hey-a, not to worry. There's-a plenty more where that came from. ''[begins hitting a coin block]''
:''[Transition to another scene with Luigi and Birdo in a garage with 3 karts]''
:'''Luigi''': Me and-a Mario, we get-a used to the finer things. Now, how about you show me how to use that-a honker of yours.
:'''Birdo''': Uh, I don't know.
:''[Luigi begins hitting a coin block, Birdo then walks towards Luigi's crotch, unzipping is heard]'''
:'''Luigi''': Oh, ding-ding-ding! Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! Now, I'm-a sleepy.
:''[Transition to another scene with Mario, Bowser, and Peach on the front door]''
:'''Bowser''': Hey. You guys used to come by on a pretty regular basis, but I haven't seen you in awhile.
:'''Mario''': We take a-the lady. How about you order yourself a nice mail-order bride? Now scram, capiche?
:''[Transition to a scene with Mario and Peach in bed. The camera pans towards the left revealing Waluigi]''
:'''Waluigi''': You-a were-a war-velous.
:'''Mario''': Oh, mama ''[bleeping]''ing mia.
:'''Transition to another scene with Mario and Luigi on a thrashed kitchen]''
:'''Luigi''': Mario, the mortgage, she's-a due!
:'''Mario''': Everybody wants a piece of the Mario. ''[hits a block, but it's empty]''
:'''Luigi: Mario!
:'''Mario''': Come on! Come on, you son of a bitch! ''[starts crying]''
:'''Luigi''': ''[consoling him]'' Mario. It's-a over.
:''[Transition to another scene with Mario, Luigi, Peach and Bowser watching Mario and Luigi's mansion getting demolished]''
:'''Princess Peach''': Hey, any chance you want to kidnap me and put me up in your castle?
:'''Bowser''': No way, princess. I'm spoken for now. ''[referring to a female Bowser lookalike with her breasts showing next to him]''
:''[Transition to the last scene with Mario, Luigi, Peach and Baby Mario in what appears to be a run down apartment living room]''
:'''Princess Peach''': ''[talking to Baby Mario]'' And that's why daddy and uncle Luigi are plumbers and we live here instead of a big, fancy house. 
:'''Mario''': Shut up-a your face!

===Butchered in Burbank [6.12]===
:'''Robin Hood''': I am Robin Hood! I steal from the rich and I give to the poor. ''[tosses the necklace towards the woman]''
:'''Woman''': This necklace is covered in jewels. I'm rich!
:'''Robin Hood''': Oh jeez, that's true. ''[shoots an arrow into the woman's hand into a tree]''
:'''Woman''': AH! Me begging hand!
:'''Robin Hood''': ''[steals the necklace from out the woman's hand]'' HAHA! Oh wait, If I steal from the rich, they become poor, and if I give to the poor, they become rich.
:''[Robot 1 and Robot 2 suddenly appear]''
:'''Robot 1''': PARADOX! PARADOX! PARADOX! ''[ its head explodes]''

===Robot Chicken's ATM Christmas Special [6.13]===
:''[At Santa's Workshop, the digital clock rings at 11:59 PM on December 24th]''
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[realizing that he overslept]'' JUMPIN' JAHOOFAH! It's one minute 'til Christmas?!?! ''[gets dressed up, tips the hat rack over trying to get his Santa hat, and bursts into the Workshop where all the elves were still making toys]'' PACK THE TOYS! GET THY LIST! And if those fleabags aren't saddled in 6 seconds, then get your ass under the mistletoe cuz' my boot's gonna give it a ''[bleeping]''ing soul kiss! And WHO was in charge of my wake-up call?! ''[an elf raises his hand, and he smacks the elf to a toy counter. Meanwhile, outside, an elf ties all the reindeer together on the sleigh, and he arrives, stunned]'' Pack your ''[bleep]'' and get out. ''[gets into the sleigh with an elf]'' HYAH! ''[takes off while the elf starts crying. His watch reads 11:59:30 and counting]'' Holy, LET'S DO THIS!
:''[Santa and the elf start dropping presents. One of them crashes through the roof of one house, another crashes through a door, another crashes through a roof, and kills a guy in bed. Santa and the elf continue throwing the presents. One of them punches a hole in the ground where a nun riding a motorcycle falls into]''
:'''Homeless Man''': Santa remembered me! ''[a present falls on him, and splatters his head off, killing him]''
:''[Santa and the elf continue throwing presents until Santa throws the elf out of the sleigh]''
:'''Elf''': Oh, wait a minute!
:''[Santa realized what he had done, and continues this throughout the USA with explosion heard all over, and then he stops in the middle of a road]''
:'''Santa Claus''': BOO-YAH! 15 seconds to spare! I ''[bleep]''ing rule! Santa Dance! ''[starts dancing like a rapper, until he realizes that there is one present left]'' Oh, no, you don't! You're not gonna ''[bleep]'' me! Santa's the one doing the ''[bleep]''ing tonight! ''[in a Ferris Bueller reference, he runs towards the house with the present. He jumps over 2 fences running over anything in his path. But then stops to see a half-naked women, and smiles, then continues. He then stands on a garbage can lid, slides up a slide, jumps off a trampoline, and in super-slow mo, lands on his feet at the house. He tries opening the door, but it's locked]'' Uhhgh! Why won't this thing open?!
:'''Mrs. Claus''': ''[off-screen]'' UHHHGH! ''[we see Santa, who's really having a dream all along, choking her to death, unknowingly]'' SANTA! AAAHHGH! UHGH! YOU'RE HAVING A DREAM!!! ''[then 3 elves burst in with cattle prauds and zap Santa who lets go of her before fainting]'' I HATE Christmas! ''[the elves gasp]'' You heard me!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Announcer''': Welcome back to the &quot;Justin Bieber Christmas Special With Love&quot;.
:''[Transitions to the stage. Justin Bieber walks on as audience members cheer loudly]''
:'''Justin Bieber''': I love you all! ''[the guitar slides down to him while Santa Claus and Frosty the Snowman join in]'' This is a song I wrote about Christmas, and how it makes my heart feel. ''[Frosty at the drums rhythmically click the sticks, then rapidly bangs on the drums. Heavy metal music starts]'' ''[Bleep]'' Christmaaaaaas! / ''[Bleep]'' Christmaaaaaas! / ''[Santa joins in]'' ''[Bleep]'', ''[Bleep]'', ''[Bleep]'', ''[Bleep]'' / I see those presents that you brought me!
:'''Frosty and Santa''': ''[Bleep]'' them!!
:'''Justin Bieber''': I see that ribbon in your hair!
:'''Frosty and Santa''': I'll choke ya with it!!
:'''Justin Bieber''': The Christmas card up on the mantel!
:'''Frosty and Santa''': It's a photo of my dick!!
:'''Justin Bieber''': And all the stockings hung with care!!
:'''Frosty and Santa''': They're filled with my ''[bleep]''!!
:''[The female elves join the stage and dance in the background]''
:'''Justin Bieber''': ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''-''[Bleep]'' Christmas!! ''[slams the guitar on stage. Grinds behind one of the female elves]'' Yeah! Oh yeah!
:'''Executive 1''': We never had this problem with David Cassidy.
:'''Executive 2''': Cassidy was a hack. Bieber is a ''[bleep]''ing artist!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Jason Bourne runs into the forest with his gun, and stops to hear the silence. And all of the sudden, Santa appears and tackles Jason. They're having a stand-off. Jason aims at Santa, who puts the candy cane in his mouth. Jason shoots Santa, but missed. Santa grabs the gun and knocks Jason down. Jason pulls out the knife, and starts attacking Santa by slicing the half of his hat. Santa charges at Jason with the pointy candy cane, but Jason gained his power, breaks Santa's arm, and stabs him in the stomach with the candy cane. He lays Santa down on the ground and backs away]''
:'''Santa Claus''': Boy, you're a hard man to find, Jason. ''[hands a present to Jason]'' Ugh, the list. Look what it makes me do. Look what it makes me do. ''[gags with blood and dies]''
:'''Jason Bourne''': ''[opens his present]'' Parcheesi!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Nerd''': ''[wakes up from his bed]'' Oh boy, oh boy, OH BOY!!! CHRISTMAS!!! YAY!!! ''[hand springs sideways down the stairs]'' Jingle Bells, Mom's in Tears- ''[finds the living room empty]'' What is going on?
:'''Nerd's Mother''': Everybody be cool, we've just been ROBBED!!!
:'''Nerd's Father''': Bastards even took the tree! What could the black market value on a rapidly browning Douglas fern possibly be?!
:'''Nerd''': No-No presents?!?!
:'''Nerd's Mother''': Oh, honey, it's totally fine. We're gonna have... ''[holds up an imaginary present]'' pretend Christmas! Open it!
:'''Nerd''': It's uh...
:'''Nerd's Mother''': It's just a mint card version 2: Snake Eyes from 1985 with an AFA grade of 99!
:'''Nerd''': ''[panicking]'' THIS GOT STOLEN?!? AARRRGH! ''[runs out of the house]''
:'''Nerd's Mother''': Sweetie! You didn't open your brand-original artwork from G.I. Joe #21, with signed certificate from CREATOR LARRY HAMA!!!!
:'''Nerd''': AARRRGGGH!! ''[crying]'' Why did this happen to me?!?! ''[hearing a song from a distance]'' Huh? ''[sees a few citizens chanting a song and forming a circle]''
:'''Dave''': Join us, friend. All our houses were robbed.
:'''Nerd''': Thanks, but I don't wanna sing and feel better.
:'''Dave''': ''[laughs]'' No, we're not singing to feel better. We're chanting to raise the Spirit of Vengeance from the depths of hell to seek out the mother''[bleep]''ers who stole my children's iPads, and disembowel them with a giant flaming spear.
:'''Citizen 1''': You're in the wrong circle, Dave! The Chant for VENGEANCE circle is over there! ''[points to another chanting circle with a chuckle]''
:'''Dave''': Aw, dammit!
:'''Nerd''': Wait a minute! The stolen presents, the singing rubes...I know this story! ''[gasps]'' That means the thief should be... ''[on Mt. Crumpet, the Grinch is seen riding a sleigh to the top]'' AH-HAH!!! ''[cut to him, climbing on Mt. Crumpet]'' In hindsight, racing up this icy mountain in a onesy was a bad idea! Can't...go...on! ''[a thought bubble of Snake Eyes appears]'' Oh, Snake Eyes! You'll have some inspirational words for me! ''[Snake Eyes says nothing]'' ...Uh...kind of dropping the ball, Snake Eyes. ''[another thought bubble of live-action Larry Hama appears]'' Wow, Larry Hama!
:'''Larry Hama''': You can do it! Believe in yourself!
:'''Nerd''': Not the most original words of inspiration I've ever heard.
:'''Larry Hama''': Look, kid. I used to write a comic book that was basically worth the news in a toy catalog. ''[picks up his book]'' Now, if you want me to read some passages from my unfinished novel...
:'''Nerd''': No, thank you. ''[continues climbing until he makes it to the top where the Grinch's sleigh is]'' GRINCH!! COME OUT OF THAT SLEIGH SO I CAN WHIP THE GREEN OFF YOUR BITCH ASS! ''[to the audience]'' It's easy to talk tough to a villain when his little bird was even bonier than your own. ''[gasps when he sees the Grinch who reveals himself to be the Jim Carrey version of the himself from the eponymous 2000 film]'' You're not the cartoon Grinch, you're the stupid-ass Jim Carrey Grinch!
:'''JC Grinch''': A Grinch is a Grinch, my little friend! And I'm afraid your precious presents are-
:'''Nerd''': ''[grabs JC Grinch by the coat]'' You took the best cartoon of all time, AND YOU PISSED IN IT'S MOUTH!!!
:'''JC Grinch''': Hey, hey, hey, let's not get personal.
:'''Nerd''': You know what? Keep my stuff! I'm about to give myself the best Christmas present of all time! ''[pushes the Grinch's sleigh]''
:'''JC Grinch''': NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ''[falls off the mountain with his sleigh, and crashes down below]''
:'''Nerd''': MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NI-- ''[the barking is heard]'' Oh my, Gosh! That little Stockholm's Syndrome dog! ''[Max hands him a G.I. Joe card of Snake Eyes]'' OH MY GOSH!!! ''[sighs]'' These tooth marks are really gonna affect the AFA grading, though.
:''[Max whines. Meanwhile, back in the Town, the citizens continue chanting their Spirit of Vengeance song]''
:'''Citizen 2''': ''[dragging the Grinch's dead body with blood]'' Everyone! Look what fell through my roof! The Christmas thief!
:'''Dave''': THE SPIRIT OF VENGEANCE ANSWERED OUR PRAYERS!!! ''[everyone cheers; brief pause]'' Would the Spirit of Vengeance want us to rape it?
:'''Citizen 1''': It is Christmas.
:''[Everyone cheers]''

===Papercut to Aorta [6.14]===
:''[Open in on Statler and Waldorf in their box''
:'''Statler''': That movie was great. And by that, I mean great for a nap. Doh-ho-ho-ho!
:'''Waldorf''': Yes, although I did think the main protagonist had some nuance moments, especially when the cinematographer switched to a wide-angle lens during the...
:'''Statler''': I don't even know you anymore.

===Caffeine-Induced Aneurysm [6.15]===
:''[We cut to two clowns who entertains kids at a boy named Timmy's birthday party]''
:'''Happy Clown''': ''[honks with horn]'' Hey Sad Clown, why are you so sad?!
:'''Sad Clown''': My wife died!
:'''Happy Clown''': ''[walks up to the sad clown and holds his hand near his mouth]'' Uh, that wasn't in the script.
:'''Sad Clown''': I know! ''[starts crying loudly]''
:''[The happy clown backs away]''

===Eaten by Cats [6.16]===
:''[We start out in the Command Center with Alpha 5 and Zordon]''
:'''Zordon''': Alpha 5, Rita Repulsa's going to strike very soon, and we haven't recruited any new Power Rangers!
:'''Alpha 5''': I'm beaming up four young recruits. They already have color-coded costumes.
:''[In an instant, the Teletubbies are teleported to the Command Center]''
:'''Tinky Winky''': Ooohh...
:'''Zordon''': Welcome, my new Power Rangers. What are your names?
:'''Tinky Winky''': Hi. Tinky...Winky.
:'''Dipsy''': Hi. Dipsy.
:'''Laa-Laa''': Laa-Laa.
:'''Zordon''': Uh, how long is this going to take? Ball park it for me.
:''[Po simply blinks at Zordon for a few seconds, irritating him]''
:'''Zordon''': Just tell me your name!
:'''Po''': Poooooooooooooooo!
:'''Zordon''': ''[worried]'' Guys, pick up the pace a little-
:'''Tinky Winky''': Tinky...Winky.
:'''Zordon''': Yeah, we've established your name is Tinky Winky. (being sarcastic) Ah, screw it! We gotta go! ''[we cut to the Teletubbies in another distant planet, and Eye Guy is shown in the distance]'' Okay, there's a giant monster approaching.
:'''Laa-Laa''': Yay!
:'''Zordon''': No, not yay.
:'''Dipsy''': Hold hands?
:'''Zordon''': No, not hold hands! 
:'''Tinky Winky''': Hold hands!
:'''Po''': H-H-H-H-Haaands!
:'''Dipsy''': ''[in Laa-Laa's voice]'' Hold hands.
:'''Zordon''': ''[very frustrated]'' Call your Zords!
:'''Tinky Winky''': Oh.
:'''Laa-Laa''': Zords!
:'''Zordon''': Yes! Now we're on the right track!
:'''Po''': Hold hands!
:'''Zordon''': ''[in defeat]'' No! This is impossible! ''[Bleep]'' you guys! ''[teleports out of sight in fury]''
:''[Eye Guy arrives and crushes Tinky Winky, Dipsy, and Laa-Laa to death beneath his foot with a squishing sound]''
:'''Po''': ''[confused]'' Tinky...Winky?
:''[The camera zooms into Po's belly, where static is seen and goes into the next segment]''

===Botched Jewel Heist [6.17]===
:''[The sketch opens at the dining room table with Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse, Donald Duck, Daisy Duck, Goofy and Clarabelle Cow seated around it]''
:'''Minnie''': So Goofy, did your parents take it okay when you told them that you and Clarabelle are together?
:'''Goofy''': Well of course, Minnie. Why wouldn't they?
:'''Mickey''': Because she's a cow and you're a dog! It's-It's unnatural!
:'''Donald''': Somebody finally said it!
:'''Goofy''': But gawrsh, you guys, th-there isn't anyone like me out there.
:'''Mickey''': Well, there's Pluto.
:''[Cut to Pluto licking his gonads in the corner]''
:'''Goofy''': I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. ''[leaves with Clarabelle]''
:''[We cut to the clubhouse meeting with various Walt Disney cartoon characters in the audience]''
:'''Mickey''': I move we vote to ban mixed-species couples from the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Do I have a second?
:'''Donald''': I second!
:'''Chip''': No! You can't legislate love!
:'''The Prince''': Oh, really? Two confirmed bachelors who co-habitated their entire lives have liberal social ethics? Shocker!
:'''Chip''': We're brothers!
:'''Dale''': We're cousins!
:'''The Prince''': Get your story straight, fellas.
:'''Beast''': Uh, just a reminder. I'm actually human under all of this, so Belle and I are cool, right, guys? ''[no response]'' Guys?
:'''Mickey''': All right, enough, enough. All in favor?
:'''Everyone''': I!
:'''Mickey''': The motion passes!
:''[The audience clamors]''
:'''Walt Disney''': ''[steps out from behind]'' Everyone, please stop fighting! I, Walt Disney, created you to spread happiness to the world, not bigotry.
:'''Uncle Remus''': He sure did! Just look at me, Uncle Remus! You tells 'em, Massa Disney!
:'''Walt Disney''': I guess it's back to the grave. Disney out! ''[makes a Nazi salute and disappears as the crowd gasps]''

===Robot Fight Accident [6.18]===
:''[Cut to Elroy and Astro returning home after a field trip, George comes floating on a chair]''
:'''George''': Hey, Elroy. How was your field trip?
:'''Elroy''': Great, dad. We studied an abandoned ship and found a bunch of these. ''[holds up an alien egg]''
:'''George''': Well! A foreboding alien egg! Let's burn it until there's nothing left but ashes. Anyone who doesn't do exactly that is the lowest form of fool.
:'''Elroy''': Aw, dad, can't I keep it?
:'''George''': Well, for the sake of entertainment, yeah, sure.
:''[The egg hatches a facehugger which crawls across the room and then proceeds to hump Astro's ass]''
:'''Astro''': Reorge! Rad ralien! Rad ralien! ''[George! Bad Alien! Bad Alien!]''
:'''Elroy''': ''[walks the facehugger on a leash]'' Yeah, Astro, he is a pretty rad alien.
:'''Astro''': Ro! Ranger! Ranger! ''[No! Danger! Danger!]''
:'''Elroy''': Ranger's a great name. Good idea, boy.
:'''Astro''': Ro! Ro! Ro! ''[No! No! No!]''
:'''George''': Settle down! Go sniff another dog's butt or something.
:'''Astro''': Rassrole. ''[Asshole]''
:''[Cut to Jane, Judy, and George at the dinner table]''
:'''Jane''': Now, Judy, your father and I are worried about how little you eat, so today you're having an entire breakfast pill, young lady. ''[puts a breakfast pill on Judy's plate]''
:'''Elroy''': ''[enters the room with Ranger lying dead in his arms]'' Ranger slept on my face all night, and when I woke up, he was dead! It makes me so sad, I feel like my heart is gonna rip out of my-Ggggrrrhhh! ''[chokes and convulses in pain. Jane and Judy gasp]''
:'''George''': Wow! You really are sad!
:''[A chestburster bursts from Elroy's chest, killing him]''
:'''Jane''': Stop him, George! ''[George tries to catch the chestburster on a moving conveyor belt, but George gets stuck running in place at it, and the chestburster escapes in an air vent]'' Looks like we need a strong female role model to handle this problem. ''[strips down to a tank top and underwear]''
:'''George''': You might want to stable that high horse, Jane. I'm getting some mixed signals here. ''[Jane and Judy arm themselves with guns, while George presses a button on his briefcase, only to find that it only contained papers]'' Aw, dang it.
:''[The now grown creature leaves the air vent and roars at George]''
:'''Jane''': It must have had an inexplicably short growth span!
:'''Judy''': On the bright side, it sure does move this story forward at a snappy pace.
:'''George''': ''[hits the creature with a rolled-up newspaper with a hit count]'' Hurry up! I've only got three whacks left!
:''[The creature kills George and knocks out Jane with its tail]''
:'''Judy''': ''[approaching the creature]'' Tall, dark, and mysterious? Oh, what a dream-
:''[But the creature impales Judy through the mouth with it's inner mouth, killing her]''
:'''Rosie''': Get away from her, you bitch!
:''[Machine guns pops out from Rosie, and as Jane regains consciousness, the creature is shot by Rosie, causing it to bleed acid and fall down from the Jetson home]''
:'''Jane''': Phew. It's over.
:'''Astro''': Reah. Rhew! ''[Yeah. Phew!]'' Rrraaarrrrggghh! ''[a chestburster bursts from hiss ass, due to Ranger humping him earlier]''
:'''Jane''': You know that's scary exactly once. ''[she and Rosie shoot at the chestburster, killing both the creature and Astro]''

===Choked on a Bottle Cap [6.19]===
:'''Flik''': ''[making a speech to the Circus Bugs]'' Everyone rest up! In the morning, we start the long trip home to confront Hopper and his evil gang! ''[hears loud music and cheering, and finds Mr. Mayfly having a party]'' Excuse me, Mr. Mayfly, can you keep it down? We have-We have a really big day tomorrow.
:'''Mr. Mayfly''': Oh, really? Well, my entire lifespan is three hours, so...''[BLEEP]'' YOUR BIG DAY!
:'''Mrs. Mayfly''': Oh, a man at last! I've already been alive a half-hour, and I need to get pregnant right now!
:'''Mr. Mayfly''': Oh yeah!
:''[We cut to Flik trying to sleep while the two mayflies make love; Flik is annoyed by their sex]''
:'''Mrs. Mayfly''': Oh, my God, this is the best sex of my whole life! ''[laughs about this. The next shot is of her giving birth, making Flik cover his ears in frustration]'' Get it out of me!
:''[A handful of eggs come out of her as she screams; then we slide to the middle-aged couple arguing while Flik punches himself in the head]''
:'''Mr. Mayfly''': Look, I've got at least 47 good minutes left in me, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna waste them!
:'''Mrs. Mayfly''': You're a midlife cliche!
:''[Flik groans and punches himself some more; the next shot is the elderly Mrs. Mayfly crying. Flik, still waiting for everything to be over, is in fetal position]''
:'''Mr. Mayfly''': ''[depressed]'' Aw, what was the point of it all? LIVE, REPRODUCE, DIE?! IT'S A SICK JOKE! A SICK- ''[gags and dies, making his wife follow suit]''
:'''Flik''': ''[looks at the dead couple; relieved]'' Oh, finally.
:'''Baby Mayfly''': ''[hatched from one of the eggs]'' Wo-hoooo! Party time, baby!
:'''Flik''': ''[irritated]'' OHHH, ''[BLEEP]'' ME!

===Immortal [6.20]===
:''[The door to a wooden cabin flies open. Five teens walk in one after the other]''
:'''Curt Vaughn''': Party weekend at the cabin! Let's all toss a football around!
:'''Marty Mikalski''': I say we all get hiiiiggghhh!
:'''Holden McCrea''': I really have some studying to do!
:'''Jules Louden''': Let's all have sex!
:'''Dana Polk''': I'm not having sex until I find that special someone. (simpers)
:''[Cut to a control room. Seth Green and Matthew Senreich are sat at computer desks, with Zeb Wells sat at a security desk behind them]''
:'''Matthew Senreich''': Wow, now those were some efficient character introductions!
:'''Seth Green''': When you're making entertainment to appease the gods, you gotta be clear about it.
:'''Zeb Wells''': Wait a minute, what's this about gods?
:'''Seth Green''': Yeah, in the old days, a simple human sacrifice would do, but the gods got more sophisticated over time.
:'''Zeb Wells''': Wait a minute! Isn't this exactly like that Joss Whedon movie, Cabin in the Woods, written and directed by Drew Goddard?
:'''Seth Green''': ''[appears by Zeb's desk]'' Oh, I think I hear Roger Ebert, but he can't talk anymore so... ''[jumps on Zeb's desk to yell in his face]'' WHO THE ''[BLEEP]'' ARE YOU?! ''[turning away from a stunned Zeb, he presses a button on a remote control]''
:''[In the cabin, a trap door opens up, with a staircase leading down to a basement]''
:'''Marty Mikalski''': I bet that basement is a great place to get hiiiigggghhhh! ''[goes down]''
:'''Curt Vaughn''': ''[goes down into the basement]'' Maybe there's some footballs down there!
:'''Holden McCrea''': Or books for reading! ''[goes down]''
:'''Jules Louden''': Or a place to get our booonnneee on! ''[goes down]''
:'''Dana Polk''': Or a place to keep our penises flaccid and our vaginas dry. ''[goes down]''
:''[Cut to the control room]''
:'''Zeb Wells''': Wait, entertainment for the gods and you guys are in charge of it?!
:'''Matt Senreich''': There are lots of gods... ''[shows Zeb video screens with footage of numerous gods]''
:'''Seth Green''': But currently only one god needs appeasing. ''[shows a video screen showing a teenager getting high and watching Robot Chicken]''
:'''Zeb Wells''': Wait, wait, guys, that god looks exactly like your average Adult Swim viewer!
:'''Matt Senreich''': Does he? Or do Adult Swim viewers look like him?
:'''Seth Green''': The point is, no one panders to Adult Swim viewers like we do. ''[cut to the cabin, where the teens are examing objects left in the basement]'' The cellar is full of talismans; whatever they choose, that's what will kill them all!
:'''Matt Senreich''': ''[Dana picks up the novel Twilight]'' If she opens one of those books, they'll all be impregnated by vampires!
:''[Cut to the Cullen family assaulting the group. A baby vampire bursts from Jules's stomach like in Alien]''
:'''Seth Green''': ''[as Holden looks at a copy of Watchman]'' If he opens that book, Alan Moore will be very unhappy!
:''[Sure enough, Alan Moore descends roaring from the ceiling, using tentacles made from his beard to attack the group]''
:'''Matt Senreich''': ''[as one of them lingers over a Classic Football game]'' If he picks that up, they'll all become so bored that-
:'''Marty Mikalski''': Hey check it out! A Robot Chicken Nerd action figure!
:'''Nerd''': ''[suddenly appears in front of everyone]'' Hi, everybody! Ooh, it's spooky down here! Yuck is that a spider?!
:''[Cut to the control room, where all three are watching in stunned silence]''
:'''Seth Green''': ''[exasperated]'' Ok, the second thing they choose, that's what kills them all
:'''Holden McCrea''': Where'd he come from?! Oh come on, guys! We can't have two nerds!
:''[A thrown axe hits Holden in the face. All turn round to see an axe wielding zombie Joss Whedon behind them. In the control room, Seth and Matt high-five while Zeb looks on in shock]''
:'''Matt Senreich''': Zombie Joss Whedon! All right! Someone found the Buffy DVDs!
:'''Jules Louden''': ''[discards a copy of Buffy the Vampire Slayer]'' Gross! I though this was a cheerleading documentary!
:'''Zeb Wells''': Why is Joss Whedon a zombie?!
:'''Seth Green''': Punishment! We told him about this place over drinks, and next thing we knew, Cabin in the Woods was in theaters nationwide!
:'''Matt Senreich''': People weren't necessarily in those theaters...
:'''Seth Green''': Regardless, we made him a zombie.
:''[In the woods, Zombie Joss Whedon is chasing the teens. He hurls his axe, severing Curt's legs at the knees]''
:'''Zombie Joss Whedon''': Now you cut short...like my TV series Firefly!
:'''Jules Louden''': ''[leaps on him and starts punching]'' You bastard! We were going to be together forever!
:'''Zombie Joss Whedon''': ''[pulls her off and punches his fist through her torso]'' That's short-sighted...like FOX execs when they cancelled Dollhouse.
:''[Cut to Marty hiding behind a tree]''
:'''Marty Mikalski''': Being chased by a zombie fills me with anxiety...and you know what's good for anxiety? Getting high!
:'''Zombie Joss Whedon''': ''[appears, pushes Marty's bong through his skull to pin him to the tree, then chops his head off]'' ''[Bleep]'' network tv...is the point I was making earlier.
:''[Cut to the control room]''
:'''Seth Green''': Ok, here's where it gets tricky; the virgin has to die last!
:'''Zeb Wells''': We're three quarters of the way through this thing, and you drop that bombshell now?!
:''[In the woods, Dana and the Nerd run for their lives]''
:'''Nerd''': ''[trips over a bush, revealing a hole leading into the ground]'' Quick, I'm gonna get into the hole under the bush! ''[jumps down the hole]''
:'''Dana Polk''': The hell you will! ''[realizes]'' Oh. ''[jumps down, and the two find themselves in a room full of glass-fronted cells, containing monsters and creatures from other Robot Chicken sketches]''
:'''Nerd''': What is this place?!
:''[Cut to the control room]''
:'''Matt Senreich''': Uh-oh!
:'''Seth Green''': They discovered our zoo! ''[turns to Zeb]'' You know, our zoo of mythical creatures and monsters and animals that-
:'''Zeb Wells''': Thanks, got it!
:''[Cut to the zoo. The two pass by a cage holding Skeletor, who growls; Dana screams]''
:'''Nerd''': Whoa, Skeletor!
:'''Skeletor''': ''[sarcastically]'' On my planet, you would be Nerdtor, Lord of Crusty Sock Mountain! ''[normal voice]'' Honestly, kid, ''[bleep]'' off!
:''[An axe hits the glass; Zombie Joss has caught up to them. The pair run, reaching a door which won't open]''
:'''Nerd''': Oh no, it's locked!
:'''Dana Polk''': Try pulling the switch that says unlocked! ''[she does, but all it does is unlock the cages, unleashing the creatures]''
:'''Nerd''': Whoops, it turns counter-clockwise!
:'''Dana Polk''': Just go! ''[shoves the Nerd through the door, while the monsters attack Zombie Joss, who fends them off]''
:'''Zombie Joss Whedon''': Grrr! Arrgh!
:''[Dana and the Nerd stop running in the corridor, next to a broom closet]''
:'''Nerd''': Wait, I figured it out! We're re-enacting a horror movie! The virgin always dies last...
:'''Nerd &amp; Dana''': ''[together]'' So I guess I'm next! Wait, you mean you're a-?! Me too!
:'''Nerd''': Wow! It's literally ''[bleep]'' or die! ''[awkward pause]'' Soooo....?
:'''Dana Polk''': I haven't decided yet!
:'''Zombie Joss Whedon''': ''[fights his way free of the zoo and resumes pursuit]'' Grrr! Arrgh! ''[stops by the broom closet, from which voices are coming]''
:'''Nerd''': Wait a minute, so I put this in there?!
:'''Dana Polk''': Yes! Then move it back and forth for about thirty to forty minutes!
:'''Nerd''': ''[groans]'' Finished! Thank you!
:'''Dana Polk''': I waited twenty-three years for that?!
:''[Zombie Joss Whedon collapses and disintegrates]''
:'''Nerd''': We win!
:''[Cut to the control room]''
:'''Seth Green''': ''[stunned]'' I can't believe it. They won!
:'''Matt Senreich''': The earth is doomed!
:'''Zeb Wells''': Holy crap! So now that God destroys us all?!
:'''Seth Green''': Maybe not! His generation is really sporadic with their viewing habits; he could catch it online in a few weeks or next year when the DVD boxset comes out-!
:''[On the video screen, a scowling Mike Lazzo and Keith Crofford appear]''
:'''Seth &amp; Matt''': ''[resigned]'' Hi, Keith. Hi Lazzo.
:'''Mike Lazzo''': You dumb-asses realize you're cancelled, right?!
:'''Seth &amp; Matt''': Yes. ''[both pull out guns and proceed to blow their brains out]''
:'''Zeb Wells''': ''[grins]'' Looks like Adult Swim needs a new show! So there's this security guard named Zeb, he's tough but fair and his co-workers are all wacky but in different ways-
:'''Mike Lazzo''': I'm gonna stop you right there. Who the ''[bleep]'' are you?</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147493</id>
      <parentid>3147492</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:06:40Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Hemlock, Gin and Juice [6.09] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="55558" xml:space="preserve">===Executed by the State [6.01]===
:'''Gadget''': Go Go, Gadget! Go Go!
:''[A bird cage pops out of Inspector Gadget's head as he rips his clothes off with only his shoes, golden underwear, and hat on and starts dancing while pop music starts. He groans and cheers; Zooms up on his underwear a couple of times]''

===Crushed by a Steamroller on My 53rd Birthday [6.02]===
:''[A boy and girl are standing next to a Christmas tree that has no presents under it]''
:'''Boy and Girl''': ''[disappointed]'' Aww.
:'''Boy''': Mom and dad couldn't afford our Christmas presents because the price of gas is so high.
:'''Girl''': But I've been extra good. Swear I'm gonna ''[bleep]'' some ''[bleep]'' up next year.
:'''Captain America''': ''[off-screen]'' Did somebody say &quot;energy crisis&quot;? ''[flies into the house]''
:'''Boy and Girl''': Not in those exact words, Captain America.
:'''Captain America''': The high cost of energy is crippling America, kids.
:'''Boy and Girl''': But what can we do?
:'''Captain America''': We can lick this problem if we all do our part together. ''[stands next to the thermostat]'' Turn the dial down to 68 degrees, and we'll use less heating oil.
:'''Girl''': We're not gonna do that. My feet get cold.
:'''Captain America''': Uh, okay. Next tip. ''[next to the TV, holding the plug in his hand]'' Electronics still use energy even when turned off. Make sure to unplug them.
:'''Boy''': That sounds exhausting.
:'''Girl''': Pass.
:'''Captain America''': Uh... ''[we cut to outside, next to a clothes line full of clothes]'' Clothes dryers are 20% of a home's energy bill. Dry your laundry outdoors, and save power.
:'''Girl''': I'd never wait that long.
:'''Boy''': Nobody's gonna do that.
:'''Captain America''': Oh, fine. ''[Bleep]'' you then. ''[throws his shield down, which breaks a window. He then storm off, getting caught in the clothes line and breaking it.
:''[Back inside mom and dad are awake]''
:'''Dad''': Sorry we couldn't afford gifts this year, kids.
:'''Girl''': That's okay. It's enough that you don't force us to live like a bunch of broke-ass hippies.
:'''Whole Family''': Aww.
:''[We cut to Captain America, who is sitting in a chair with his uniform hanging on a clothes line outside]''
:'''Captain America''': ''[shivering]'' My feet are ''[bleep]''ing freezing.

===Punctured Jugular [6.03]===
:''[In the middle of the Pacific Ocean, Chuck Noland is resting on the drift when Wilson the ball is accidentally set adrift on water]''
:'''Chuck Noland''': ''[wakes up in panic]'' No! Wilson! ''[cries]''
:''[At nightfall, Wilson floats across the Pacific Ocean, and stops in front of the fishing boat. The doctor notices the ball, and picks it up. We cut to the cabin where the doctor examines Wilson]''
:'''Doctor''': ''[to Wilson]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't try to move. You're still very weak. Tell me, who are you? ''[silence]'' Oh. You've lost your memory. ''[the fishing boat bumps at the harbor, causing Wilson to roll out of the boat]'' Wait! Wait, my friend! We can help you!
:''[Wilson rolled and bounced out of the harbor, and landed on the bench at the park]''
:'''Policeman''': ''[to Wilson]'' Hey, you bum! No loitering in the park. Come on. Let's see some I.D. ''[silence]'' Stand down, or I'll use force! ''[kicks Wilson who bounced at the bench and hits him in the face]'' Ow! ''[in his walkie-talkie as Wilson bounced away]'' All units, we have a fleeing suspect who's just attacked an officer.
:''[Wilson bounced and lands on the car seat inside the woman's car]''
:'''Woman''': ''[startled]'' Aah! Oh! Don't hurt me! I'll take you wherever you need to go! ''[drives off with Wilson, only to be chased by the police]'' Why are the police after you? ''[silence]'' Oh, you're right. I do talk too much. I can't lose them. ''[switching seats with Wilson]'' Take the wheel!
:''[The car crashed through the bridge and splashed in the river, which is floating them away from the police]''
:'''Policeman''': Stop! Ah! They're getting away!
:'''Woman''': ''[relieved]'' You did it! You're amazing! Oh, ''[bleep]'' you cops! I've never felt so alive! ''[making out with Wilson; cut to living room where they entered]'' This is my brother's place, but he's on vacation right now. ''[then the SWAT team crashed through windows and surround them]'' Save us! ''[throws Wilson at the SWAT team]''
:'''SWAT Team Member 1''': I got it. I got it! ''[hits Wilson, as if playing volleyball]''
:'''SWAT Team Member 2''': ''[holding Wilson, as if the ball's trying to bite him]'' Oh, get it off me! Get it off me!
:'''SWAT Team Member 1''': ''[holding the gun]'' Stay back! Stay back! Stay back! ''[shoots the ball, but accidentally kills SWAT team member 2 and falls out of the window]''
:''[The grenade rolls out of SWAT team member 2's hand, and was about to explode]''
:'''Woman''': ''[last words]'' Look out!
:''[The grenade explodes, sending Wilson out of the window; cut to Chuck and Kelly outside of her house]''
:'''Kelly Fears''': Everyone thought you were dead. I love you, but I have a family now. ''[getting hit by Wilson]'' Ow!
:'''Chuck Noland''': ''[surprised]'' Wilson! I thought I'd lost you forever!
:'''Kelly Fears''': ''[in pain]'' Did you just hit me in the face? I am calling the cops! Ow.
:'''Wilson''': ''[suddenly talking in his deep voice]'' No witnesses.
:'''Chuck Noland''': ''[about to strangle Kelly]'' No witnesses.
:''[Kelly gasps before going static]''

===Poisoned by Relatives [6.04]===
:'''Announcer (Zeb Wells)''': Previously on The Fattest Fat Loser, the contestants got real!
:'''Miss Piggy''': Moi has always considered oneself pleasantly plump. That is until I shattered Kermit's pelvis. 
:''[Camera cuts to a bedroom with Kermit and Miss Piggy having sex in the middle of filming an intercourse tape]''
:'''Kermit The Frog''': AHHHHHHHH! Get off of me you ''[bleep]''ing wildebeest!
:''[Camera cuts to Mario]''
:'''Mario''': My brother Luigi and me, we used to be the same. ''[holds up a picture of him and 8-bit Luigi from &quot;Super Mario Bros.&quot;, from the NES]'' But after a few years-a, ''[shows a picture of him and Luigi from the Nintendo 64-era games]'' if I don't-a change-a my ways, ''[shows a picture of an extremely fat Mario and Luigi running away]'' this is what the Doctor's projected I will look like.
:''[Camera cuts to Winnie the Pooh]''
:'''Winnie the Pooh''': I've gained so much weight, I can't even fit in Rabbit's hole anymore. ''[pauses in confusion]'' What?
:''[Camera cuts to Garfield]''
:'''Garfield''': I just wanna lick my balls one more time or at least be able to see them. Wait, wait, I mean, I hate Mondays!
:''[A montage of the characters training is shown to the song &quot;Follow your Heart&quot; and culminates with all the characters standing on stage and waving to the camera]''
:'''Announcer (Zeb Wells)''': The Fattest Fat Loser! ''[farts]'' Gross!
:''[Camera cuts to Barbie]''
:'''Barbie''': I've made little girls self-conscious about their bodies for decades. That makes me the perfect trainer for this show. Of course, I am hungry all the time, so I can get a little irritable. ''[Camera cuts to her and Mario, who is knocking a speed bag while jumping]'' Double time, Super Lardio!
:'''Mario''': I can-a do this all day.
:'''Barbie''': THEN WHY ARE YOU STILL FAT?!?! So sorry. Follow your dreams. YOU FAT ''[BLEEP]''! Sorry. Find your shining star.
:''[Camera cuts to Barbie and Miss Piggy doing Kung Fu]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Vous would like to spar with moi? Ah ha ha. I'm a fourth-degree black belt, sweetie.
:'''Camera cuts back to Barbie]''
:'''Barbie''': You have to shatter their delusions before you can reach them. The way my delusion of eating another Tiramisu which shattered at age 12. ''[camera cuts back to her and Miss Piggy and doing Kung Fu]'' If you thought Fitness Trainer Barbie was a hard ass, you haven't seen Kung Fu Barbie!
:'''Miss Piggy''': Oh yeah?! ''[about to perform karate, but Barbie runs at her and kicks her in the neck and attacks her repeatedly, culminating with her trying to break her arm]'' Moi has to go to the bathroom!
:'''Barbie''': I don't care how you lose weight! ''[Miss Piggy poops and she drops Miss Piggy]'' We've had a real breakthrough here today, Miss Piggy. ''[Miss Piggy whimpers; camera cuts to Barbie standing in front of the contestants who have a wheelbarrow each, with different foods in each one; Garfield has lasagna, Mario has spaghetti, Winnie the Pooh has honey, and Miss Piggy has rice]'' You'll push a wheelbarrow full of your trigger food up to the top of this hill where you'll dump your payload into the fire, symbolically saying goodbye to your former fat ass lives and giving you the strength to leave your co-dependent relationship. ''[chuckles]'' You hear that, Ken?! I don't need you anymore! ''[laughs]'' Please, call me. 
:''[Camera cuts to Winnie the Pooh]''
:'''Winnie the Pooh''': Last fall, Eeyore lost his long battle with depression... ''[camera cuts to Winnie the Pooh holding a pot of Honey in the air]'' For you, Eeyore! ''[begins to pour the honey out of the pot, but it falls very slowly. He looks at the pot and then at the camera, he shrugs. Camera cuts back to his interview after six seconds]'' ...hung himself with his own tail.
:''[Camera cuts back to the contestants about to begin their race]''
:'''Barbie''': And go! ''[fires the starting gun, causing all the contestants to start running]''
:'''Garfield''': Wow! I'm in the lead! I have lost weight! This is rewriting the book on Mondays. ''[gasps]'' My balls! ''[throws his wheelbarrow onto Winnie the Pooh and sits down to lick his groin, but sees nothing there]'' Hey! There's nothing in here! JON, YOU MONDAY-ED MY BALLS!!
:''[Miss Piggy and Mario pass him, both are getting tired but Miss Piggy makes it first and throws her food onto the fire while Mario falls to the ground]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': I won! I won! Phew, I'm roasting out here.
:'''Mario''': ''[sniffs]'' Oh! Is-a that-a my mama's-a prosciutto? ''[gets up and tries to eat Miss Piggy]'' Just-a one-a taste, Mama! One-a bite!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[last words]'' Hey! Get off! Knock it off!
:''[In the process, Miss Piggy falls into the fire]''
:'''Garfield''': ''[arrives in shock]'' Miss Piggy!
:'''Winnie the Pooh''': ''[arrives and also in shock]'' Oh, stuff and fluff!
:'''Mario''': Wait! Let-a her cook.
:'''Winnie the Pooh''': Oh, she does smell delicious.
:''[Garfield nods in agreement; camera cuts to a counter on stage]''
:'''Barbie''': Miss Piggy, your final weight loss is... ''[camera zooms out to show that Miss Piggy's charred bones are being weighed]'' 174 pounds! ''[looks at the three other contestants with disappointment, who are much fatter than they were before]'' The rest of you have GAINED a COMBINED 174 pounds. Miss Piggy, you are the Fattest Fat Loser!
:''[Confetti falls from ceiling]''
:'''Announcer (Zeb Wells)''': ''[farts]'' Gross!

===Hurtled from a Helicopter into a Speeding Train [6.05]===
:''[Azmuth, Gwen and Grandpa Max celebrate Ben's 14th birthday]''
:'''Azmuth''': Happy birthday, young Ben Tennyson!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[gets a pair of socks]'' What's with the crappy gifts, Azmuth? Last time I got a watch that turns me into different aliens.
:'''Azmuth''': That was when you were Ben 10. Now that you're Ben 14, you get more grown-up gifts.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[gets a telescope]'' I saved the world like 40 times this year and this is what I get? This birthday blows.
:'''Azmuth''': It's not over yet. ''[cuts to him and Ben at a window]'' Here's your final present.
:''[The woman next door removes her towel and begins to shower]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Whoa!
:'''Azmuth''': That's for saving the world. Happy birthday, Ben 14!
:''[Ben gets excited for the gifts he received and continues to spy on the woman next door with his telescope]''

===Disemboweled by an Orphan [6.06]===
:''[Two raptors are seen in the jungle]''
:'''Female Raptor 1''': I can't believe the Jurassic Park scientists made us all females! I'm gonna die all alone!
:'''Female Raptor 2''': Crying won't help, there's no way to change it.
:'''Female Raptor 1''': Wrong! Tonight, life finds a way.
:''[The raptors are seen behind two cars heading towards a building. They hide and proceed to snap two workers’ necks. They then act as statues when some other scientists are walking by, The raptors go into the lab and mix some chemicals. When this is all done, the Raptors leave laughing. One day later. a male raptor emerges from a truck and walks to the two females]''
:'''Female Raptor 1''': HE'S HERE! Finally I'm gonna get married, have babies and live happily ever after!
:'''Male raptor''': You got great legs babe, what time do they open? ''[laughs]''
:'''Female Raptor 2''': ''[gasps]'' Asshole!

===In Bed Surrounded by Loved Ones [6.07]===
:''[There is a LEGO house. A LEGO car pulls into the driveway, and Bill gets out of it]''
:'''Bill''': Finally, home to my perfect suburban paradise!
:''[Truck horn. Camera switches view to the house beside Bill's, Earl's house, which is a towering, exotic LEGO structure decorated with satellite dishes and a large propeller attached to the roof. Earl pulls up in that house's driveway, in a car with spaceship parts]''
:'''Earl''': Hey, neighbor! Beautiful day, huh?
:'''Bill''': Ugh! Hi, Earl. I see you still have your satellite dishes up.
:'''Earl''': Yeppers. Of course, there's no point now that the cable's in, but they sure look slick, don't they?
:'''Bill''': And the propeller, any idea when that will come down?
:'''Earl''': ''[chuckles]'' Like I can just remove a load-bearing propeller.
:'''Earl's Wife''': Earl, dinner time!
:'''Earl''': Billy-boy, that's my cue. See you later.
:''[Earl enters the house. Bill has a disgruntled look on his face. Scene cuts to Bill and his wife having sex]''
:'''Bill''': Argh! Yeah, yeah, no.
:'''Bill's Wife''': Ow, you're overthinking. Just put the knob in the hollow end.
:'''Bill''': I know. Just, oh, forget it.
:'''Bill's Wife''': Come on, Bill. What's got you so distracted?
:'''Bill''': Nothing. Leave me alone.
:'''Bill's Wife''': Fine. I don't know why I work so hard to keep up this body if you never want to touch me.
:''[Bill groans and looks at Earl's house. Scene cuts to Earl at his house]''
:'''Earl''': Okay, love of my life, I'm off to work. Bill! What are you doing?!
:''[Cuts to an insane Bill driving a bulldozer]''
:'''Bill''': Your house, Earl, it's gotta go!
:''[Zooms out to Bill being surrounded by LEGO police officers]''
:'''LEGO Police Chief''': Sir, I repeat: Get out of the bulldozer!
:'''Bill''': Green brick, red brick, yellow brick, it's all coming down!
:''[The cops fire their guns at Bill, killing him. The bulldozer crashes into Earl's house]''
:'''LEGO Police Chief''': Calm down, everyone. It's-It's over now.
:'''LEGO Policeman''': Uh, chief, you should take a look at this. ''[camera switches view to the inside of Earl's house, which is full of LEGO heads. The cops gasp]'' Oh my god, it's heads, people's heads!
:'''Earl''': Uh, so, you know... ''[laughs nervously, and tries to make a run for it, but the cops shoot him to death]''
:''[It is revealed that a boy named Scotty and his friend are playing with LEGO bricks and acting out the scenario the whole time]''
:'''Scotty's Friend''': That's where all the head pieces went!? I've been trying to find...Scotty, you idiot!
:'''Scotty''': What? It looks cool.

===Choked on Multi-Colored Scarves [6.08]===
:''[She-Ra and Swift Wind are flying back from battle]''
:'''SHE-RA''': We did it, Swift Wind! The Horde won't bother us again anytime soon. Now let's turn back into plain old Princess Adora and her horse, Spirit. It's meatloaf night at the castle.
:''[They descend to land]''
:'''SWIFT WIND''': No, no, wait, wait! Let me land before you...
:''[About 5 or 6 feet above the ground, She-Ra turns them back into Princess Adora and Spirit. They fall to the ground, breaking one of Spirit's legs]''
:'''SPIRIT''': AHH!!! Oh, my god, bitch! I thought I told you to wait for 5 ''[bleep]''ing seconds!
:'''PRINCESS ADORA''': Spirit! ''[crying]'' I'm so sorry.
:'''SPIRIT''': It seems like a simple rule of thumb ''[blee]'' head! If we're in the air, I need my magic ''[bleep]''ing wings! Now for the love of god, get me a ''[bleep]''ing doctor.
:'''ADORA''': ''[crying, pulls out her sword]'' A doctor can't help you! ''[starts to kill Spirit]''
:'''SPIRIT''': Hold up! Wait a minute! You ''[bleep]''ed up the landing and I get the death penalty?!?!
:'''ADORA''': A horse's broken leg will never heal! Almost 50% of a horse's bones are in its limbs. Besides which, 65% of a horses weight rests on it's front legs.
:'''SPIRIT''': You've sure loaded up both barrels with a lot of high caliber euthanasia factoids, sister. Have you been planning for this?
:'''ADORA''': It's just part of being a responsible horse owner.
:'''CASTASPELLA''': ''[appears]'' Oh, my goodness! What's happened?
:'''ADORA''': Oh, it's terrible, Castaspella!
:'''SPIRIT''': That evil Hordak made us switch bodies again. I'm really Princess Adora, and she's really Spirit.
:'''CASTASPELLA''': ''[literal minded]'' Well, that's easily remedied. Magical mind swap! ''[casts the mind swap spell]''
:'''ADORA''': Wait!
:''[The spell puts Adora into Spirit's body and Spirit into Adora's body]''
:'''ADORA''': ''[in Spirit's body]'' OW! My leg!
:'''SPIRIT''': ''[in Adora's body]'' Well, you know, 65% of the bones, blah, blah, blah. ''[cuts off Adora's, in Spirit's body, head (the horse's head is cut off)]''
:'''CASTASPELLA''': Oh! But I-I'm magic! I could have fixed that in two seconds.
:'''SPIRIT''': ''[in Adora's body]'' Eh. Who's up for meatloaf?

===Hemlock, Gin and Juice [6.09]===
:''[The sketch opens as Thomas the Tank Engine chugs through a meadow with a barn]''
:'''Narrator''': Thomas the Tank Engine was huffing and puffing, when suddenly...
:'''Thomas''': ''[looks around]'' Bust my buffers! This isn't the way to the Whistling Woods.
:''[We snap to a shot of a bank robber driving Thomas]''
:'''Bank Robber''': No, it ain't, pal! Unless the Mayor of Sodor gives me a hundred million bucks, we're gonna drive this dynamite ''[pan to a pile of dynamite that is counting down to explosion]'' right into Knapford Station!
:''[Next, we cut to the Mayor of Sodor's office]''
:'''Mayor's Aid''': ''[enters]'' Uhh, we've got a problem.
:'''Mayor''': Get me Sir Topham Hatt. ''[his aid leaves]'' And you... ''[Rosie appears from behind his desk]'' ...you come back later.
:'''Rosie''': You know my schedule, dear. ''[drives away]''
:''[We cut to Tidmouth Sheds with James and Percy next to each other with Sir Topham Hatt in Percy's cab]''
:'''Sir Topham Hatt''': Okay, people, this is what we trained for. ''[Percy laughs]'' So immature. Can we all just stay on track? ''[James also laughs, irritating him]'' Let's just get this bastard! ''[Percy blasts his whistle, and he and James begin to slowly puff away]'' Move, move, move!
:''[Percy or James' whistle blows and the two engines continue to chug with slowness as James appears to be missing his tender. Eight hours later, as seen on a title card, Percy catches up to Thomas, who is still being driven by the robber]''
:'''Thomas''': Hello, Percy!
:'''Percy''': Hello, Thomas! Wonderful weather for a hijacking, isn't it?
:'''Sir Topham Hatt''': Shut your steam hole and get closer! ''[jumps into Thomas' cab]''
:'''Percy''': ''[puffs onto a curved line away from Thomas]'' I love being really useful!
:''[A penny appears on the rail of the tracks in front of Percy, who accidentally runs over it, causing him to derail and explode into pieces]''
:'''Bank Robber''': ''[holding an axe]'' You'll never take me alive, Sir Topham Hatt! ''[swings it at Sir Topham Hatt, but misses and hits Thomas' controls, causing some oil to squirt out and making Thomas groan in pain]''
:'''Sir Topham Hatt''': Missed me! ''[the robber misses again and hits Thomas once more, causing him to blast out some steam]'' Your blows are harmless!
:''[The robber hits Thomas the third time]''
:'''Thomas''': My internal organs! ''[after the fourth and fifth hit]'' JUST FINISH ME, YOU PUSSIES!
:''[The robber punches Sir Topham Hatt to make him yell in pain, and accidentally pull down Thomas' throttle, causing him to go faster in alarm]''
:'''Bank Robber''': ''[climbing on top of Thomas and speaking to a walkie-talkie]'' Conductor to Skywolf: request pickup.
:'''Harold''': ''[flying towards Thomas]'' Copy that; I'm on my way.
:'''Thomas''': ''[shocked and confused]'' Harold the Helicopter?! You're a part of this?!
:'''Harold''': That's right! I'm tired of taking a back seat to a bunch of steam trains; I can ''[bleep]''ing fly!
:''[Thomas and Harold zoom into a tunnel, where Sir Topham Hatt is just climbing on top of of Thomas as well]''
:'''Bank Robber''': So long, Topham! ''[cackles and turns to Harold]''
:''[Harold tries to catch him, but fails when he hits a wall with his tail blade, breaks down his choppers, falls to the ground, and explodes. Next, his top blade spins right between the two men, who duck as the robber screams, and Thomas makes it out of the tunnel to just barely avoid a huge explosion caused by the blade]''
:'''Thomas''': AH!! ''[crashes through a sign that says: &quot;Track Work Ahead&quot;, leaving him with a left black eye, a bloody nose, and one missing tooth]'' What cruel god would give a grain a face?! ''[chugs towards an unfinished bridge]''
:'''Sir Topham Hatt''': ''[urging]'' PUMP THOSE PISTONS, YOU STEAM POWERED SON OF A BITCH!!!
:''[Thomas chugs even faster, and flies over the cliff, but barely makes it by clinging to a rail ending with his mouth. Meanwhile, the robber and Sir Topham Hatt hang onto the back of Thomas to keep themselves from falling, with the robber clutching one of Sir Topham Hatt's legs]''
:'''Bank Robber''': ''[frightened]'' Topham! Help me!!! I'll turn myself in; I swear! Just pull me up!
:'''Sir Topham Hatt''': End of the line, ''[bleep]''-head. ''[kicks the robber in the head, and he falls screaming down the cliff to his death]''
:''[We then fade to Knapford Station, where the Mayor is giving Sir Topham Hatt his thanks while a crowd applauds]''
:'''Mayor''': ''[shakes Sir Topham Hatt's hand]'' Thank you, everyone! Knapford Station is safe!
:'''Sir Topham Hatt''': You're quite welcome, Mayor!
:'''Mayor''': And how did you dispose of the dynamite?
:'''Sir Topham Hatt''': Uhhhh....
:''[We cut to Thomas, James, Clarabel, and Annie in a siding, which looks normal for a bit, but then the dynamite explodes in Thomas' compartment, destroying everyone. Next, the scene changes to look as if it was from an old book and scrolls downward to reveal the rest of the story, ending with &quot;THE END&quot;]''
:'''Narrator''': ''[reading the text onscreen]'' And with no more public transportation, everyone on Sodor bought a Hummer.
:'''Rosie''': ''[pops out between the story's conclusion and &quot;THE END&quot;]'' Whew, I've got a lot of work to do! Toot Toooot!

===Collateral Damage in Gang Turf War [6.10]===
:''[Harry Potter is sitting on a bed in his bedroom, A woman is in the doorway]''
:'''Woman''': You wait right there, Harry. I'm going to change into something more comfortable.''[leaves]''
:'''Harry''': ''[pulls out his wand]'' Dungus stoutus. ''[taps his groin region and nothing happens]'' Oh, come on. Uh, beefus gurthus. ''[taps his groin region again and nothing happens]'' Polius maximus. ''[taps his groin region and a beanstalk shoots out and up into the air]'' AAAAH!!
:''[Cut to Hermione, who is sitting in a chair reading a book. Her phone vibrates and she checks it. It is a text from H &quot;Chosen 1&quot; Potter, who is really Harry Potter. Harry types &quot;Hey, Hermione...&quot;. Hermione answers &quot;Hey, what's up? Harry types &quot;My dick turned into a beanstalk.&quot; Hermione gets a look of exacerbation. We cut back to Harry's phone. Hermione's screen name is Hermy &quot;@Library&quot; G. Hermione types the answer &quot;Stalkus minimus&quot;]''
:'''Harry''': Stalkus Minimus. Stalkus Minimus. Stalkus Minumus.
:''[The beanstalk recedes back into Harry's groin. Harry is relieved that it is gone. The woman opens the door wearing a red lace panty and bra set. Harry stands up to face her]''
:'''Woman''': Now let me see what the famous Harry Potter's packing. ''[goes over to Harry, kneals down and opens his pants giggling]'' Why do you have a vag?
:''[We cut back to Hermione, smiling, picks her book up and starts reading again]''

===Eviscerated Post-Coital by a Six Foot Mantis [6.11]===
:''[Luigi defeats a Koopa Troopa when Mario hits a block with his head, causing several coins to come out]''
:'''Mario''': Ah! Wait a minute! Luigi, all-a these gold coins! They're everywhere!
:'''Luigi''': ''[jumps down and hits another coin block]'' Why are we wasting our lives in the sewers? Our new lives are starting now!
:''[Transition to the scene where various Mario characters are near the spa]''
:'''Bullet Bill''': ''[flying over Mario and Luigi]'' Mario, your new place is awesome! ''[crashes into a statue]'' Oh, sorry bro.
:'''Mario''': ''[laughs]'' Hey-a, not to worry. There's-a plenty more where that came from. ''[begins hitting a coin block]''
:''[Transition to another scene with Luigi and Birdo in a garage with 3 karts]''
:'''Luigi''': Me and-a Mario, we get-a used to the finer things. Now, how about you show me how to use that-a honker of yours.
:'''Birdo''': Uh, I don't know.
:''[Luigi begins hitting a coin block, Birdo then walks towards Luigi's crotch, unzipping is heard]'''
:'''Luigi''': Oh, ding-ding-ding! Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! Now, I'm-a sleepy.
:''[Transition to another scene with Mario, Bowser, and Peach on the front door]''
:'''Bowser''': Hey. You guys used to come by on a pretty regular basis, but I haven't seen you in awhile.
:'''Mario''': We take a-the lady. How about you order yourself a nice mail-order bride? Now scram, capiche?
:''[Transition to a scene with Mario and Peach in bed. The camera pans towards the left revealing Waluigi]''
:'''Waluigi''': You-a were-a war-velous.
:'''Mario''': Oh, mama ''[bleeping]''ing mia.
:'''Transition to another scene with Mario and Luigi on a thrashed kitchen]''
:'''Luigi''': Mario, the mortgage, she's-a due!
:'''Mario''': Everybody wants a piece of the Mario. ''[hits a block, but it's empty]''
:'''Luigi: Mario!
:'''Mario''': Come on! Come on, you son of a bitch! ''[starts crying]''
:'''Luigi''': ''[consoling him]'' Mario. It's-a over.
:''[Transition to another scene with Mario, Luigi, Peach and Bowser watching Mario and Luigi's mansion getting demolished]''
:'''Princess Peach''': Hey, any chance you want to kidnap me and put me up in your castle?
:'''Bowser''': No way, princess. I'm spoken for now. ''[referring to a female Bowser lookalike with her breasts showing next to him]''
:''[Transition to the last scene with Mario, Luigi, Peach and Baby Mario in what appears to be a run down apartment living room]''
:'''Princess Peach''': ''[talking to Baby Mario]'' And that's why daddy and uncle Luigi are plumbers and we live here instead of a big, fancy house. 
:'''Mario''': Shut up-a your face!

===Butchered in Burbank [6.12]===
:'''Robin Hood''': I am Robin Hood! I steal from the rich and I give to the poor. ''[tosses the necklace towards the woman]''
:'''Woman''': This necklace is covered in jewels. I'm rich!
:'''Robin Hood''': Oh jeez, that's true. ''[shoots an arrow into the woman's hand into a tree]''
:'''Woman''': AH! Me begging hand!
:'''Robin Hood''': ''[steals the necklace from out the woman's hand]'' HAHA! Oh wait, If I steal from the rich, they become poor, and if I give to the poor, they become rich.
:''[Robot 1 and Robot 2 suddenly appear]''
:'''Robot 1''': PARADOX! PARADOX! PARADOX! ''[ its head explodes]''

===Robot Chicken's ATM Christmas Special [6.13]===
:''[At Santa's Workshop, the digital clock rings at 11:59 PM on December 24th]''
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[realizing that he overslept]'' JUMPIN' JAHOOFAH! It's one minute 'til Christmas?!?! ''[gets dressed up, tips the hat rack over trying to get his Santa hat, and bursts into the Workshop where all the elves were still making toys]'' PACK THE TOYS! GET THY LIST! And if those fleabags aren't saddled in 6 seconds, then get your ass under the mistletoe cuz' my boot's gonna give it a ''[bleeping]''ing soul kiss! And WHO was in charge of my wake-up call?! ''[an elf raises his hand, and he smacks the elf to a toy counter. Meanwhile, outside, an elf ties all the reindeer together on the sleigh, and he arrives, stunned]'' Pack your ''[bleep]'' and get out. ''[gets into the sleigh with an elf]'' HYAH! ''[takes off while the elf starts crying. His watch reads 11:59:30 and counting]'' Holy, LET'S DO THIS!
:''[Santa and the elf start dropping presents. One of them crashes through the roof of one house, another crashes through a door, another crashes through a roof, and kills a guy in bed. Santa and the elf continue throwing the presents. One of them punches a hole in the ground where a nun riding a motorcycle falls into]''
:'''Homeless Man''': Santa remembered me! ''[a present falls on him, and splatters his head off, killing him]''
:''[Santa and the elf continue throwing presents until Santa throws the elf out of the sleigh]''
:'''Elf''': Oh, wait a minute!
:''[Santa realized what he had done, and continues this throughout the USA with explosion heard all over, and then he stops in the middle of a road]''
:'''Santa Claus''': BOO-YAH! 15 seconds to spare! I ''[bleep]''ing rule! Santa Dance! ''[starts dancing like a rapper, until he realizes that there is one present left]'' Oh, no, you don't! You're not gonna ''[bleep]'' me! Santa's the one doing the ''[bleep]''ing tonight! ''[in a Ferris Bueller reference, he runs towards the house with the present. He jumps over 2 fences running over anything in his path. But then stops to see a half-naked women, and smiles, then continues. He then stands on a garbage can lid, slides up a slide, jumps off a trampoline, and in super-slow mo, lands on his feet at the house. He tries opening the door, but it's locked]'' Uhhgh! Why won't this thing open?!
:'''Mrs. Claus''': ''[off-screen]'' UHHHGH! ''[we see Santa, who's really having a dream all along, choking her to death, unknowingly]'' SANTA! AAAHHGH! UHGH! YOU'RE HAVING A DREAM!!! ''[then 3 elves burst in with cattle prauds and zap Santa who lets go of her before fainting]'' I HATE Christmas! ''[the elves gasp]'' You heard me!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Announcer''': Welcome back to the &quot;Justin Bieber Christmas Special With Love&quot;.
:''[Transitions to the stage. Justin Bieber walks on as audience members cheer loudly]''
:'''Justin Bieber''': I love you all! ''[the guitar slides down to him while Santa Claus and Frosty the Snowman join in]'' This is a song I wrote about Christmas, and how it makes my heart feel. ''[Frosty at the drums rhythmically click the sticks, then rapidly bangs on the drums. Heavy metal music starts]'' ''[Bleep]'' Christmaaaaaas! / ''[Bleep]'' Christmaaaaaas! / ''[Santa joins in]'' ''[Bleep]'', ''[Bleep]'', ''[Bleep]'', ''[Bleep]'' / I see those presents that you brought me!
:'''Frosty and Santa''': ''[Bleep]'' them!!
:'''Justin Bieber''': I see that ribbon in your hair!
:'''Frosty and Santa''': I'll choke ya with it!!
:'''Justin Bieber''': The Christmas card up on the mantel!
:'''Frosty and Santa''': It's a photo of my dick!!
:'''Justin Bieber''': And all the stockings hung with care!!
:'''Frosty and Santa''': They're filled with my ''[bleep]''!!
:''[The female elves join the stage and dance in the background]''
:'''Justin Bieber''': ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''-''[Bleep]'' Christmas!! ''[slams the guitar on stage. Grinds behind one of the female elves]'' Yeah! Oh yeah!
:'''Executive 1''': We never had this problem with David Cassidy.
:'''Executive 2''': Cassidy was a hack. Bieber is a ''[bleep]''ing artist!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Jason Bourne runs into the forest with his gun, and stops to hear the silence. And all of the sudden, Santa appears and tackles Jason. They're having a stand-off. Jason aims at Santa, who puts the candy cane in his mouth. Jason shoots Santa, but missed. Santa grabs the gun and knocks Jason down. Jason pulls out the knife, and starts attacking Santa by slicing the half of his hat. Santa charges at Jason with the pointy candy cane, but Jason gained his power, breaks Santa's arm, and stabs him in the stomach with the candy cane. He lays Santa down on the ground and backs away]''
:'''Santa Claus''': Boy, you're a hard man to find, Jason. ''[hands a present to Jason]'' Ugh, the list. Look what it makes me do. Look what it makes me do. ''[gags with blood and dies]''
:'''Jason Bourne''': ''[opens his present]'' Parcheesi!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Nerd''': ''[wakes up from his bed]'' Oh boy, oh boy, OH BOY!!! CHRISTMAS!!! YAY!!! ''[hand springs sideways down the stairs]'' Jingle Bells, Mom's in Tears- ''[finds the living room empty]'' What is going on?
:'''Nerd's Mother''': Everybody be cool, we've just been ROBBED!!!
:'''Nerd's Father''': Bastards even took the tree! What could the black market value on a rapidly browning Douglas fern possibly be?!
:'''Nerd''': No-No presents?!?!
:'''Nerd's Mother''': Oh, honey, it's totally fine. We're gonna have... ''[holds up an imaginary present]'' pretend Christmas! Open it!
:'''Nerd''': It's uh...
:'''Nerd's Mother''': It's just a mint card version 2: Snake Eyes from 1985 with an AFA grade of 99!
:'''Nerd''': ''[panicking]'' THIS GOT STOLEN?!? AARRRGH! ''[runs out of the house]''
:'''Nerd's Mother''': Sweetie! You didn't open your brand-original artwork from G.I. Joe #21, with signed certificate from CREATOR LARRY HAMA!!!!
:'''Nerd''': AARRRGGGH!! ''[crying]'' Why did this happen to me?!?! ''[hearing a song from a distance]'' Huh? ''[sees a few citizens chanting a song and forming a circle]''
:'''Dave''': Join us, friend. All our houses were robbed.
:'''Nerd''': Thanks, but I don't wanna sing and feel better.
:'''Dave''': ''[laughs]'' No, we're not singing to feel better. We're chanting to raise the Spirit of Vengeance from the depths of hell to seek out the mother''[bleep]''ers who stole my children's iPads, and disembowel them with a giant flaming spear.
:'''Citizen 1''': You're in the wrong circle, Dave! The Chant for VENGEANCE circle is over there! ''[points to another chanting circle with a chuckle]''
:'''Dave''': Aw, dammit!
:'''Nerd''': Wait a minute! The stolen presents, the singing rubes...I know this story! ''[gasps]'' That means the thief should be... ''[on Mt. Crumpet, the Grinch is seen riding a sleigh to the top]'' AH-HAH!!! ''[cut to him, climbing on Mt. Crumpet]'' In hindsight, racing up this icy mountain in a onesy was a bad idea! Can't...go...on! ''[a thought bubble of Snake Eyes appears]'' Oh, Snake Eyes! You'll have some inspirational words for me! ''[Snake Eyes says nothing]'' ...Uh...kind of dropping the ball, Snake Eyes. ''[another thought bubble of live-action Larry Hama appears]'' Wow, Larry Hama!
:'''Larry Hama''': You can do it! Believe in yourself!
:'''Nerd''': Not the most original words of inspiration I've ever heard.
:'''Larry Hama''': Look, kid. I used to write a comic book that was basically worth the news in a toy catalog. ''[picks up his book]'' Now, if you want me to read some passages from my unfinished novel...
:'''Nerd''': No, thank you. ''[continues climbing until he makes it to the top where the Grinch's sleigh is]'' GRINCH!! COME OUT OF THAT SLEIGH SO I CAN WHIP THE GREEN OFF YOUR BITCH ASS! ''[to the audience]'' It's easy to talk tough to a villain when his little bird was even bonier than your own. ''[gasps when he sees the Grinch who reveals himself to be the Jim Carrey version of the himself from the eponymous 2000 film]'' You're not the cartoon Grinch, you're the stupid-ass Jim Carrey Grinch!
:'''JC Grinch''': A Grinch is a Grinch, my little friend! And I'm afraid your precious presents are-
:'''Nerd''': ''[grabs JC Grinch by the coat]'' You took the best cartoon of all time, AND YOU PISSED IN IT'S MOUTH!!!
:'''JC Grinch''': Hey, hey, hey, let's not get personal.
:'''Nerd''': You know what? Keep my stuff! I'm about to give myself the best Christmas present of all time! ''[pushes the Grinch's sleigh]''
:'''JC Grinch''': NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ''[falls off the mountain with his sleigh, and crashes down below]''
:'''Nerd''': MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NI-- ''[the barking is heard]'' Oh my, Gosh! That little Stockholm's Syndrome dog! ''[Max hands him a G.I. Joe card of Snake Eyes]'' OH MY GOSH!!! ''[sighs]'' These tooth marks are really gonna affect the AFA grading, though.
:''[Max whines. Meanwhile, back in the Town, the citizens continue chanting their Spirit of Vengeance song]''
:'''Citizen 2''': ''[dragging the Grinch's dead body with blood]'' Everyone! Look what fell through my roof! The Christmas thief!
:'''Dave''': THE SPIRIT OF VENGEANCE ANSWERED OUR PRAYERS!!! ''[everyone cheers; brief pause]'' Would the Spirit of Vengeance want us to rape it?
:'''Citizen 1''': It is Christmas.
:''[Everyone cheers]''

===Papercut to Aorta [6.14]===
:''[Open in on Statler and Waldorf in their box''
:'''Statler''': That movie was great. And by that, I mean great for a nap. Doh-ho-ho-ho!
:'''Waldorf''': Yes, although I did think the main protagonist had some nuance moments, especially when the cinematographer switched to a wide-angle lens during the...
:'''Statler''': I don't even know you anymore.

===Caffeine-Induced Aneurysm [6.15]===
:''[We cut to two clowns who entertains kids at a boy named Timmy's birthday party]''
:'''Happy Clown''': ''[honks with horn]'' Hey Sad Clown, why are you so sad?!
:'''Sad Clown''': My wife died!
:'''Happy Clown''': ''[walks up to the sad clown and holds his hand near his mouth]'' Uh, that wasn't in the script.
:'''Sad Clown''': I know! ''[starts crying loudly]''
:''[The happy clown backs away]''

===Eaten by Cats [6.16]===
:''[We start out in the Command Center with Alpha 5 and Zordon]''
:'''Zordon''': Alpha 5, Rita Repulsa's going to strike very soon, and we haven't recruited any new Power Rangers!
:'''Alpha 5''': I'm beaming up four young recruits. They already have color-coded costumes.
:''[In an instant, the Teletubbies are teleported to the Command Center]''
:'''Tinky Winky''': Ooohh...
:'''Zordon''': Welcome, my new Power Rangers. What are your names?
:'''Tinky Winky''': Hi. Tinky...Winky.
:'''Dipsy''': Hi. Dipsy.
:'''Laa-Laa''': Laa-Laa.
:'''Zordon''': Uh, how long is this going to take? Ball park it for me.
:''[Po simply blinks at Zordon for a few seconds, irritating him]''
:'''Zordon''': Just tell me your name!
:'''Po''': Poooooooooooooooo!
:'''Zordon''': ''[worried]'' Guys, pick up the pace a little-
:'''Tinky Winky''': Tinky...Winky.
:'''Zordon''': Yeah, we've established your name is Tinky Winky. (being sarcastic) Ah, screw it! We gotta go! ''[we cut to the Teletubbies in another distant planet, and Eye Guy is shown in the distance]'' Okay, there's a giant monster approaching.
:'''Laa-Laa''': Yay!
:'''Zordon''': No, not yay.
:'''Dipsy''': Hold hands?
:'''Zordon''': No, not hold hands! 
:'''Tinky Winky''': Hold hands!
:'''Po''': H-H-H-H-Haaands!
:'''Dipsy''': ''[in Laa-Laa's voice]'' Hold hands.
:'''Zordon''': ''[very frustrated]'' Call your Zords!
:'''Tinky Winky''': Oh.
:'''Laa-Laa''': Zords!
:'''Zordon''': Yes! Now we're on the right track!
:'''Po''': Hold hands!
:'''Zordon''': ''[in defeat]'' No! This is impossible! ''[Bleep]'' you guys! ''[teleports out of sight in fury]''
:''[Eye Guy arrives and crushes Tinky Winky, Dipsy, and Laa-Laa to death beneath his foot with a squishing sound]''
:'''Po''': ''[confused]'' Tinky...Winky?
:''[The camera zooms into Po's belly, where static is seen and goes into the next segment]''

===Botched Jewel Heist [6.17]===
:''[The sketch opens at the dining room table with Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse, Donald Duck, Daisy Duck, Goofy and Clarabelle Cow seated around it]''
:'''Minnie''': So Goofy, did your parents take it okay when you told them that you and Clarabelle are together?
:'''Goofy''': Well of course, Minnie. Why wouldn't they?
:'''Mickey''': Because she's a cow and you're a dog! It's-It's unnatural!
:'''Donald''': Somebody finally said it!
:'''Goofy''': But gawrsh, you guys, th-there isn't anyone like me out there.
:'''Mickey''': Well, there's Pluto.
:''[Cut to Pluto licking his gonads in the corner]''
:'''Goofy''': I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. ''[leaves with Clarabelle]''
:''[We cut to the clubhouse meeting with various Walt Disney cartoon characters in the audience]''
:'''Mickey''': I move we vote to ban mixed-species couples from the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Do I have a second?
:'''Donald''': I second!
:'''Chip''': No! You can't legislate love!
:'''The Prince''': Oh, really? Two confirmed bachelors who co-habitated their entire lives have liberal social ethics? Shocker!
:'''Chip''': We're brothers!
:'''Dale''': We're cousins!
:'''The Prince''': Get your story straight, fellas.
:'''Beast''': Uh, just a reminder. I'm actually human under all of this, so Belle and I are cool, right, guys? ''[no response]'' Guys?
:'''Mickey''': All right, enough, enough. All in favor?
:'''Everyone''': I!
:'''Mickey''': The motion passes!
:''[The audience clamors]''
:'''Walt Disney''': ''[steps out from behind]'' Everyone, please stop fighting! I, Walt Disney, created you to spread happiness to the world, not bigotry.
:'''Uncle Remus''': He sure did! Just look at me, Uncle Remus! You tells 'em, Massa Disney!
:'''Walt Disney''': I guess it's back to the grave. Disney out! ''[makes a Nazi salute and disappears as the crowd gasps]''

===Robot Fight Accident [6.18]===
:''[Cut to Elroy and Astro returning home after a field trip, George comes floating on a chair]''
:'''George''': Hey, Elroy. How was your field trip?
:'''Elroy''': Great, dad. We studied an abandoned ship and found a bunch of these. ''[holds up an alien egg]''
:'''George''': Well! A foreboding alien egg! Let's burn it until there's nothing left but ashes. Anyone who doesn't do exactly that is the lowest form of fool.
:'''Elroy''': Aw, dad, can't I keep it?
:'''George''': Well, for the sake of entertainment, yeah, sure.
:''[The egg hatches a facehugger which crawls across the room and then proceeds to hump Astro's ass]''
:'''Astro''': Reorge! Rad ralien! Rad ralien! ''[George! Bad Alien! Bad Alien!]''
:'''Elroy''': ''[walks the facehugger on a leash]'' Yeah, Astro, he is a pretty rad alien.
:'''Astro''': Ro! Ranger! Ranger! ''[No! Danger! Danger!]''
:'''Elroy''': Ranger's a great name. Good idea, boy.
:'''Astro''': Ro! Ro! Ro! ''[No! No! No!]''
:'''George''': Settle down! Go sniff another dog's butt or something.
:'''Astro''': Rassrole. ''[Asshole]''
:''[Cut to Jane, Judy, and George at the dinner table]''
:'''Jane''': Now, Judy, your father and I are worried about how little you eat, so today you're having an entire breakfast pill, young lady. ''[puts a breakfast pill on Judy's plate]''
:'''Elroy''': ''[enters the room with Ranger lying dead in his arms]'' Ranger slept on my face all night, and when I woke up, he was dead! It makes me so sad, I feel like my heart is gonna rip out of my-Ggggrrrhhh! ''[chokes and convulses in pain. Jane and Judy gasp]''
:'''George''': Wow! You really are sad!
:''[A chestburster bursts from Elroy's chest, killing him]''
:'''Jane''': Stop him, George! ''[George tries to catch the chestburster on a moving conveyor belt, but George gets stuck running in place at it, and the chestburster escapes in an air vent]'' Looks like we need a strong female role model to handle this problem. ''[strips down to a tank top and underwear]''
:'''George''': You might want to stable that high horse, Jane. I'm getting some mixed signals here. ''[Jane and Judy arm themselves with guns, while George presses a button on his briefcase, only to find that it only contained papers]'' Aw, dang it.
:''[The now grown creature leaves the air vent and roars at George]''
:'''Jane''': It must have had an inexplicably short growth span!
:'''Judy''': On the bright side, it sure does move this story forward at a snappy pace.
:'''George''': ''[hits the creature with a rolled-up newspaper with a hit count]'' Hurry up! I've only got three whacks left!
:''[The creature kills George and knocks out Jane with its tail]''
:'''Judy''': ''[approaching the creature]'' Tall, dark, and mysterious? Oh, what a dream-
:''[But the creature impales Judy through the mouth with it's inner mouth, killing her]''
:'''Rosie''': Get away from her, you bitch!
:''[Machine guns pops out from Rosie, and as Jane regains consciousness, the creature is shot by Rosie, causing it to bleed acid and fall down from the Jetson home]''
:'''Jane''': Phew. It's over.
:'''Astro''': Reah. Rhew! ''[Yeah. Phew!]'' Rrraaarrrrggghh! ''[a chestburster bursts from hiss ass, due to Ranger humping him earlier]''
:'''Jane''': You know that's scary exactly once. ''[she and Rosie shoot at the chestburster, killing both the creature and Astro]''

===Choked on a Bottle Cap [6.19]===
:'''Flik''': ''[making a speech to the Circus Bugs]'' Everyone rest up! In the morning, we start the long trip home to confront Hopper and his evil gang! ''[hears loud music and cheering, and finds Mr. Mayfly having a party]'' Excuse me, Mr. Mayfly, can you keep it down? We have-We have a really big day tomorrow.
:'''Mr. Mayfly''': Oh, really? Well, my entire lifespan is three hours, so...''[BLEEP]'' YOUR BIG DAY!
:'''Mrs. Mayfly''': Oh, a man at last! I've already been alive a half-hour, and I need to get pregnant right now!
:'''Mr. Mayfly''': Oh yeah!
:''[We cut to Flik trying to sleep while the two mayflies make love; Flik is annoyed by their sex]''
:'''Mrs. Mayfly''': Oh, my God, this is the best sex of my whole life! ''[laughs about this. The next shot is of her giving birth, making Flik cover his ears in frustration]'' Get it out of me!
:''[A handful of eggs come out of her as she screams; then we slide to the middle-aged couple arguing while Flik punches himself in the head]''
:'''Mr. Mayfly''': Look, I've got at least 47 good minutes left in me, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna waste them!
:'''Mrs. Mayfly''': You're a midlife cliche!
:''[Flik groans and punches himself some more; the next shot is the elderly Mrs. Mayfly crying. Flik, still waiting for everything to be over, is in fetal position]''
:'''Mr. Mayfly''': ''[depressed]'' Aw, what was the point of it all? LIVE, REPRODUCE, DIE?! IT'S A SICK JOKE! A SICK- ''[gags and dies, making his wife follow suit]''
:'''Flik''': ''[looks at the dead couple; relieved]'' Oh, finally.
:'''Baby Mayfly''': ''[hatched from one of the eggs]'' Wo-hoooo! Party time, baby!
:'''Flik''': ''[irritated]'' OHHH, ''[BLEEP]'' ME!

===Immortal [6.20]===
:''[The door to a wooden cabin flies open. Five teens walk in one after the other]''
:'''Curt Vaughn''': Party weekend at the cabin! Let's all toss a football around!
:'''Marty Mikalski''': I say we all get hiiiiggghhh!
:'''Holden McCrea''': I really have some studying to do!
:'''Jules Louden''': Let's all have sex!
:'''Dana Polk''': I'm not having sex until I find that special someone. (simpers)
:''[Cut to a control room. Seth Green and Matthew Senreich are sat at computer desks, with Zeb Wells sat at a security desk behind them]''
:'''Matthew Senreich''': Wow, now those were some efficient character introductions!
:'''Seth Green''': When you're making entertainment to appease the gods, you gotta be clear about it.
:'''Zeb Wells''': Wait a minute, what's this about gods?
:'''Seth Green''': Yeah, in the old days, a simple human sacrifice would do, but the gods got more sophisticated over time.
:'''Zeb Wells''': Wait a minute! Isn't this exactly like that Joss Whedon movie, Cabin in the Woods, written and directed by Drew Goddard?
:'''Seth Green''': ''[appears by Zeb's desk]'' Oh, I think I hear Roger Ebert, but he can't talk anymore so... ''[jumps on Zeb's desk to yell in his face]'' WHO THE ''[BLEEP]'' ARE YOU?! ''[turning away from a stunned Zeb, he presses a button on a remote control]''
:''[In the cabin, a trap door opens up, with a staircase leading down to a basement]''
:'''Marty Mikalski''': I bet that basement is a great place to get hiiiigggghhhh! ''[goes down]''
:'''Curt Vaughn''': ''[goes down into the basement]'' Maybe there's some footballs down there!
:'''Holden McCrea''': Or books for reading! ''[goes down]''
:'''Jules Louden''': Or a place to get our booonnneee on! ''[goes down]''
:'''Dana Polk''': Or a place to keep our penises flaccid and our vaginas dry. ''[goes down]''
:''[Cut to the control room]''
:'''Zeb Wells''': Wait, entertainment for the gods and you guys are in charge of it?!
:'''Matt Senreich''': There are lots of gods... ''[shows Zeb video screens with footage of numerous gods]''
:'''Seth Green''': But currently only one god needs appeasing. ''[shows a video screen showing a teenager getting high and watching Robot Chicken]''
:'''Zeb Wells''': Wait, wait, guys, that god looks exactly like your average Adult Swim viewer!
:'''Matt Senreich''': Does he? Or do Adult Swim viewers look like him?
:'''Seth Green''': The point is, no one panders to Adult Swim viewers like we do. ''[cut to the cabin, where the teens are examing objects left in the basement]'' The cellar is full of talismans; whatever they choose, that's what will kill them all!
:'''Matt Senreich''': ''[Dana picks up the novel Twilight]'' If she opens one of those books, they'll all be impregnated by vampires!
:''[Cut to the Cullen family assaulting the group. A baby vampire bursts from Jules's stomach like in Alien]''
:'''Seth Green''': ''[as Holden looks at a copy of Watchman]'' If he opens that book, Alan Moore will be very unhappy!
:''[Sure enough, Alan Moore descends roaring from the ceiling, using tentacles made from his beard to attack the group]''
:'''Matt Senreich''': ''[as one of them lingers over a Classic Football game]'' If he picks that up, they'll all become so bored that-
:'''Marty Mikalski''': Hey check it out! A Robot Chicken Nerd action figure!
:'''Nerd''': ''[suddenly appears in front of everyone]'' Hi, everybody! Ooh, it's spooky down here! Yuck is that a spider?!
:''[Cut to the control room, where all three are watching in stunned silence]''
:'''Seth Green''': ''[exasperated]'' Ok, the second thing they choose, that's what kills them all
:'''Holden McCrea''': Where'd he come from?! Oh come on, guys! We can't have two nerds!
:''[A thrown axe hits Holden in the face. All turn round to see an axe wielding zombie Joss Whedon behind them. In the control room, Seth and Matt high-five while Zeb looks on in shock]''
:'''Matt Senreich''': Zombie Joss Whedon! All right! Someone found the Buffy DVDs!
:'''Jules Louden''': ''[discards a copy of Buffy the Vampire Slayer]'' Gross! I though this was a cheerleading documentary!
:'''Zeb Wells''': Why is Joss Whedon a zombie?!
:'''Seth Green''': Punishment! We told him about this place over drinks, and next thing we knew, Cabin in the Woods was in theaters nationwide!
:'''Matt Senreich''': People weren't necessarily in those theaters...
:'''Seth Green''': Regardless, we made him a zombie.
:''[In the woods, Zombie Joss Whedon is chasing the teens. He hurls his axe, severing Curt's legs at the knees]''
:'''Zombie Joss Whedon''': Now you cut short...like my TV series Firefly!
:'''Jules Louden''': ''[leaps on him and starts punching]'' You bastard! We were going to be together forever!
:'''Zombie Joss Whedon''': ''[pulls her off and punches his fist through her torso]'' That's short-sighted...like FOX execs when they cancelled Dollhouse.
:''[Cut to Marty hiding behind a tree]''
:'''Marty Mikalski''': Being chased by a zombie fills me with anxiety...and you know what's good for anxiety? Getting high!
:'''Zombie Joss Whedon''': ''[appears, pushes Marty's bong through his skull to pin him to the tree, then chops his head off]'' ''[Bleep]'' network tv...is the point I was making earlier.
:''[Cut to the control room]''
:'''Seth Green''': Ok, here's where it gets tricky; the virgin has to die last!
:'''Zeb Wells''': We're three quarters of the way through this thing, and you drop that bombshell now?!
:''[In the woods, Dana and the Nerd run for their lives]''
:'''Nerd''': ''[trips over a bush, revealing a hole leading into the ground]'' Quick, I'm gonna get into the hole under the bush! ''[jumps down the hole]''
:'''Dana Polk''': The hell you will! ''[realizes]'' Oh. ''[jumps down, and the two find themselves in a room full of glass-fronted cells, containing monsters and creatures from other Robot Chicken sketches]''
:'''Nerd''': What is this place?!
:''[Cut to the control room]''
:'''Matt Senreich''': Uh-oh!
:'''Seth Green''': They discovered our zoo! ''[turns to Zeb]'' You know, our zoo of mythical creatures and monsters and animals that-
:'''Zeb Wells''': Thanks, got it!
:''[Cut to the zoo. The two pass by a cage holding Skeletor, who growls; Dana screams]''
:'''Nerd''': Whoa, Skeletor!
:'''Skeletor''': ''[sarcastically]'' On my planet, you would be Nerdtor, Lord of Crusty Sock Mountain! ''[normal voice]'' Honestly, kid, ''[bleep]'' off!
:''[An axe hits the glass; Zombie Joss has caught up to them. The pair run, reaching a door which won't open]''
:'''Nerd''': Oh no, it's locked!
:'''Dana Polk''': Try pulling the switch that says unlocked! ''[she does, but all it does is unlock the cages, unleashing the creatures]''
:'''Nerd''': Whoops, it turns counter-clockwise!
:'''Dana Polk''': Just go! ''[shoves the Nerd through the door, while the monsters attack Zombie Joss, who fends them off]''
:'''Zombie Joss Whedon''': Grrr! Arrgh!
:''[Dana and the Nerd stop running in the corridor, next to a broom closet]''
:'''Nerd''': Wait, I figured it out! We're re-enacting a horror movie! The virgin always dies last...
:'''Nerd &amp; Dana''': ''[together]'' So I guess I'm next! Wait, you mean you're a-?! Me too!
:'''Nerd''': Wow! It's literally ''[bleep]'' or die! ''[awkward pause]'' Soooo....?
:'''Dana Polk''': I haven't decided yet!
:'''Zombie Joss Whedon''': ''[fights his way free of the zoo and resumes pursuit]'' Grrr! Arrgh! ''[stops by the broom closet, from which voices are coming]''
:'''Nerd''': Wait a minute, so I put this in there?!
:'''Dana Polk''': Yes! Then move it back and forth for about thirty to forty minutes!
:'''Nerd''': ''[groans]'' Finished! Thank you!
:'''Dana Polk''': I waited twenty-three years for that?!
:''[Zombie Joss Whedon collapses and disintegrates]''
:'''Nerd''': We win!
:''[Cut to the control room]''
:'''Seth Green''': ''[stunned]'' I can't believe it. They won!
:'''Matt Senreich''': The earth is doomed!
:'''Zeb Wells''': Holy crap! So now that God destroys us all?!
:'''Seth Green''': Maybe not! His generation is really sporadic with their viewing habits; he could catch it online in a few weeks or next year when the DVD boxset comes out-!
:''[On the video screen, a scowling Mike Lazzo and Keith Crofford appear]''
:'''Seth &amp; Matt''': ''[resigned]'' Hi, Keith. Hi Lazzo.
:'''Mike Lazzo''': You dumb-asses realize you're cancelled, right?!
:'''Seth &amp; Matt''': Yes. ''[both pull out guns and proceed to blow their brains out]''
:'''Zeb Wells''': ''[grins]'' Looks like Adult Swim needs a new show! So there's this security guard named Zeb, he's tough but fair and his co-workers are all wacky but in different ways-
:'''Mike Lazzo''': I'm gonna stop you right there. Who the ''[bleep]'' are you?</text>
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    <title>Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Vandalism information</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>249646</id>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-26T13:21:35Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
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      <text bytes="562" xml:space="preserve">==[[:Template:Vandalism information]]==
A template that shows vandalism levels on Wikipedia, and therefore doesn't belong on Wikiquote. There is also not that much vandalism here, and things are slower moving overall, so such a template probably wouldn't be necessary even if adapted to Wikiquote. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 17:11, 25 July 2022 (UTC)

* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:21, 26 July 2022 (UTC)</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Bethlehem Tilahun Alemu</title>
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      <text bytes="1457" xml:space="preserve">Bethlehem Alemu  was born in 1980 she is from Ethiopia and is currently a business woman. She is also the founder and executive director of sole Rebels, which is currently the most sought out footwear company.  Bethlehem Alemu has received many awards based off her business acumen and her efforts to try and address the poverty stricken countries in the continent. 

== Quotes  ==

* “I wanted to show that it is possible to be a local person, in Ethiopia and in Africa, and to be globally successful,
* “It is possible to deploy local resources while creating a market-leading global brand, and to do it all from scratch.”
* “If we want to have truly equitable societies, then we need to embrace equity on all levels. And that means women’s economic empowerment and the key to that is women entrepreneurs,”
* [http://www.ilo.org/global/about-the-ilo/mission-and-objectives/features/WCMS_346716/lang--en/index.htm Rising to the top of the footwear industry through Decent Work] (26 February 2015) by International Labor Organization retrieved 25 July 2022

[[File:SoleRebels Bethlehem Tilahun Alemu.png|thumb]]


== External References ==

* [http://www.ilo.org/global/about-the-ilo/mission-and-objectives/features/WCMS_346716/lang--en/index.htm Rising to the top of the footwear industry through Decent Work] (26 February 2015) by International Labor Organization 

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      <text bytes="1802" xml:space="preserve">[[File:SoleRebels Bethlehem Tilahun Alemu.png|thumb|Bethlehem Tilahun Alemu]]
'''[[w:Bethlehem Tilahun Alemu|Bethlehem Tilahun Alemu]]''' (born 1980) is an [[w:Ethiopians|Ethiopian]] [[w:businesswoman|businesswoman]], founder and executive director of soleRebels, Africa's &quot;fastest growing [[w:footwear|footwear]] company&quot;. Alemu has received honors and accolades for her business acumen, as well as her efforts to shift the discourse on [[Africa]] away from poverty to the continent's entrepreneurial spirit, social capital, and economic potential. Alemu launched  &quot;The Republic of Leather&quot;, designing [[w:sustainability|sustainable]] luxury [[w:leather|leather goods]], and &quot;Garden of Coffee&quot; retail outlets to promote Ethiopian coffees. 

== Quotes  ==
* I wanted to show that it is possible to be a local person, in Ethiopia and in Africa, and to be globally successful.
* It is possible to deploy local resources while creating a market-leading global brand, and to do it all from scratch.
* If we want to have truly equitable societies, then we need to embrace equity on all levels. And that means women’s economic empowerment and the key to that is women entrepreneurs.
** [http://www.ilo.org/global/about-the-ilo/mission-and-objectives/features/WCMS_346716/lang--en/index.htm Rising to the top of the footwear industry through Decent Work] (26 February 2015) by International Labor Organization retrieved 25 July 2022

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.ilo.org/global/about-the-ilo/mission-and-objectives/features/WCMS_346716/lang--en/index.htm Rising to the top of the footwear industry through Decent Work] (26 February 2015) by International Labor Organization 

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      <text bytes="1810" xml:space="preserve">[[File:SoleRebels Bethlehem Tilahun Alemu.png|thumb|Bethlehem Tilahun Alemu]]
'''[[w:Bethlehem Tilahun Alemu|Bethlehem Tilahun Alemu]]''' (born 1980) is an [[w:Ethiopians|Ethiopian]] [[w:businesswoman|businesswoman]], founder and executive director of soleRebels, Africa's &quot;fastest growing [[w:footwear|footwear]] company&quot;. Alemu has received honors and accolades for her business acumen, as well as her efforts to shift the discourse on [[Africa]] away from poverty to the continent's entrepreneurial spirit, social capital, and economic potential. Alemu launched  &quot;The Republic of Leather&quot;, designing [[w:sustainability|sustainable]] luxury [[w:leather|leather goods]], and &quot;Garden of Coffee&quot; retail outlets to promote Ethiopian coffees. 

== Quotes  ==
* I wanted to show that it is possible to be a local person, in Ethiopia and in Africa, and to be globally successful.
* It is possible to deploy local resources while creating a market-leading global brand, and to do it all from scratch.
* If we want to have truly equitable societies, then we need to embrace equity on all levels. And that means women’s economic empowerment and the key to that is women entrepreneurs.
** [http://www.ilo.org/global/about-the-ilo/mission-and-objectives/features/WCMS_346716/lang--en/index.htm Rising to the top of the footwear industry through Decent Work] (26 February 2015) by International Labor Organization retrieved 25 July 2022

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.ilo.org/global/about-the-ilo/mission-and-objectives/features/WCMS_346716/lang--en/index.htm Rising to the top of the footwear industry through Decent Work] (26 February 2015) by International Labor Organization 

{{DEFAULTSORT:Alemu, Bethlehem Tilahun}}
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'''[[w:Bethlehem Tilahun Alemu|Bethlehem Tilahun Alemu]]''' (born 1980) is an [[w:Ethiopians|Ethiopian]] [[w:businesswoman|businesswoman]], founder and executive director of soleRebels, Africa's &quot;fastest growing [[w:footwear|footwear]] company&quot;. Alemu has received honors and accolades for her business acumen, as well as her efforts to shift the discourse on [[Africa]] away from poverty to the continent's entrepreneurial spirit, social capital, and economic potential. Alemu launched  &quot;The Republic of Leather&quot;, designing [[w:sustainability|sustainable]] luxury [[w:leather|leather goods]], and &quot;Garden of Coffee&quot; retail outlets to promote Ethiopian coffees. 

== Quotes  ==
* I wanted to show that it is possible to be a local person, in Ethiopia and in Africa, and to be globally successful.
* It is possible to deploy local resources while creating a market-leading global brand, and to do it all from scratch.
* If we want to have truly equitable societies, then we need to embrace equity on all levels. And that means women’s economic empowerment and the key to that is women entrepreneurs.
** [http://www.ilo.org/global/about-the-ilo/mission-and-objectives/features/WCMS_346716/lang--en/index.htm Rising to the top of the footwear industry through Decent Work] (26 February 2015) by International Labor Organization retrieved 25 July 2022

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.ilo.org/global/about-the-ilo/mission-and-objectives/features/WCMS_346716/lang--en/index.htm Rising to the top of the footwear industry through Decent Work] (26 February 2015) by International Labor Organization 

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      <text bytes="1862" xml:space="preserve">[[File:SoleRebels Bethlehem Tilahun Alemu.png|thumb|Bethlehem Tilahun Alemu]]
'''[[w:Bethlehem Tilahun Alemu|Bethlehem Tilahun Alemu]]''' (born 1980) is an [[w:Ethiopians|Ethiopian]] [[w:businesswoman|businesswoman]], founder and executive director of soleRebels, Africa's &quot;fastest growing [[w:footwear|footwear]] company&quot;. Alemu has received honors and accolades for her business acumen, as well as her efforts to shift the discourse on [[Africa]] away from poverty to the continent's entrepreneurial spirit, social capital, and economic potential. Alemu launched  &quot;The Republic of Leather&quot;, designing [[w:sustainability|sustainable]] luxury [[w:leather|leather goods]], and &quot;Garden of Coffee&quot; retail outlets to promote Ethiopian coffees. 

== Quotes  ==
* I wanted to show that it is possible to be a local person, in Ethiopia and in Africa, and to be globally successful.
* It is possible to deploy local resources while creating a market-leading global brand, and to do it all from scratch.
* If we want to have truly equitable societies, then we need to embrace equity on all levels. And that means women’s economic empowerment and the key to that is women entrepreneurs.
** [http://www.ilo.org/global/about-the-ilo/mission-and-objectives/features/WCMS_346716/lang--en/index.htm Rising to the top of the footwear industry through Decent Work] (26 February 2015) by International Labor Organization retrieved 25 July 2022

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.ilo.org/global/about-the-ilo/mission-and-objectives/features/WCMS_346716/lang--en/index.htm Rising to the top of the footwear industry through Decent Work] (26 February 2015) by International Labor Organization 

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  <page>
    <title>Dineo Langa</title>
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Dineo Langa  was in born 20 July 1989 is a well known South African actress, singer, dancer, and television presenter.

== Quotes ==

* Being black  means being layered, carrying a beautiful lineage and even though, the world makes it tough, being proud of who you are.
* The Black Lives Matter  means speaking out against the injustices that have been dealt to the black community and bringing about a consciousness that unseats the maliciousness with which black people have been handled.
* Black Excellence means the full manifestation of what has always been present in the black community. It is the reinforcement of legacy that will allow for many generations to understand that the embodiment of excellence does also exist within us.
* I've learnt to ground my energy and not absorb a lot. 
* Taking time out to just have my time has become extremely important for me.
* In means to be seen, to have a freedom like no other and to truly stand in my power. It's the ability to revel in one's truest form and showcase to the world what black pride looks like.
* success is the ability to make some of your wildest dreams come true.
* [https://www.gq.co.za/culture/gq-young-gifted-and-black-series-dineo-langa-74512adc-4efb-4d80-814d-6a6cb29c59a3 GQ Young, Gifted and Black Series: Dineo Langa] (February 21, 2021) by Luthando Vikilahle retrieved 25 July 2022

== External References ==

* [https://www.gq.co.za/culture/gq-young-gifted-and-black-series-dineo-langa-74512adc-4efb-4d80-814d-6a6cb29c59a3 GQ Young, Gifted and Black Series: Dineo Langa] (February 21, 2021) by Luthando Vikilahle 


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  <page>
    <title>Aslan Maskhadov</title>
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'''[[w: Aslan Maskhadov|Aslan (Khalid) Aliyevich Maskhadov]]''' ('''Russian''': Асла́н (Хали́д) Али́евич Масха́дов; '''Chechen''': (Масхадан) Али ВоӀ Аслан) ([[21 September]] [[1951]] – [[8 March]] [[2005]]) was a Soviet and Chechen politician who served as the third president of the unrecognized [[w:Chechen Republic of Ichkeria|Chechen Republic of Ichkeria]]. He was credited by many with the Chechen victory in the [[w:First Chechen War|First Chechen War]], which allowed for the establishment of the de facto independent Chechen Republic of Ichkeria. Maskhadov was elected President of Chechnya in January 1997. Following the start of the [[w:Second Chechen War|Second Chechen War]] in August 1999, he returned to leading the guerrilla resistance against the Russian army, with Ichkeria ceasing to exist at the beginning of 2000. Maskhadov continued to serve as a President in exile until he was killed in an operation led by the [[w:Federal Security Service|Federal Security Service of the Russian Federation]] at a village in northern Chechnya, in March 2005.

==Quotes==
*I will not call for talks with the Russian leadership any more because it's senseless.
**[https://reliefweb.int/report/russian-federation/chechnya-maskhadov-speaks-out-peace-talks-resistance-and-recent-explosions &quot;Chechnya: Maskhadov speaks out on peace talks, resistance and recent explosions&quot; in ''Relief Web''] (2 June 2003)
*Both the President and the government of the Russian Federation are unable to clearly understand the situation and the imminent dangers. They don't care whether the state collapses; they only care about the upcoming Russian presidential and parliamentary elections.
**[https://reliefweb.int/report/russian-federation/chechnya-maskhadov-speaks-out-peace-talks-resistance-and-recent-explosions &quot;Chechnya: Maskhadov speaks out on peace talks, resistance and recent explosions&quot; in ''Relief Web''] (2 June 2003)
*We are well-prepared for this summer and autumn. And in view of the mood among our fighters, I can tell you that the situation will undergo a radical change. After the referendum, the activities of the resistance units sharply increased. 
**[https://reliefweb.int/report/russian-federation/chechnya-maskhadov-speaks-out-peace-talks-resistance-and-recent-explosions &quot;Chechnya: Maskhadov speaks out on peace talks, resistance and recent explosions&quot; in ''Relief Web''] (2 June 2003)
*Don't expect anything good from the puppets and enemies. The day will soon come when the occupation forces will leave Chechnya.
**[https://reliefweb.int/report/russian-federation/chechnya-maskhadov-speaks-out-peace-talks-resistance-and-recent-explosions &quot;Chechnya: Maskhadov speaks out on peace talks, resistance and recent explosions&quot; in ''Relief Web''] (2 June 2003)

*We are going through hard times now. The enemy is within us but it is invisible. We are one nation, we have one religion but there is no accord between us.
**[https://apnews.com/article/db0ce1f039c1b7edee5c4a16088407a3 &quot;Chechen President Spared Death&quot; in ''AP''] (11 April 1999)

*What reliable information can a traitor who has only completed two years of high-school education provide?
**In a disparaging reference to pro-Moscow then Chechen First Deputy Prime Minister [[Ramzan Kadyrov]]
**[https://www.rferl.org/a/1057844.html &quot;Chechen Leader Gives Exclusive Interview To RFE/RL&quot;] (7 March 2005)

*Chechen mujahedin will resist to the end in this struggle, and the flame of this conflagration will spread to the entire North Caucasus.
**[https://www.rferl.org/a/1057844.html &quot;Chechen Leader Gives Exclusive Interview To RFE/RL&quot;] (7 March 2005)

*The people of Russia will experience constant fear of possible retribution by suicide bombers in revenge for the evil deeds of the [Federal Security Service] and the federal forces in Chechnya.
**[https://www.rferl.org/a/1057844.html &quot;Chechen Leader Gives Exclusive Interview To RFE/RL&quot;] (7 March 2005)

*When the interests of Western states and those of Russia collide in the Caucasus, when the leaders of those Western states comprehend the level of danger to the entire civilized world that emanates from Russia, then they will line up and beg us Chechens to agree to end the war.
**[https://www.rferl.org/a/1057844.html &quot;Chechen Leader Gives Exclusive Interview To RFE/RL&quot;] (7 March 2005)

*There was also the religious factor. As a military man I knew the capacity of the Russian army. When a Russian column was advancing and you had no proper ammunitions left and you were waiting for them to move 200 or 300 meters to destroy them and you succeeded – these were miracles. That was when the religious factor came into play. You began to believe that the outcome was in the hands of God.
**[https://smallwarsjournal.com/documents/maskhadovinterview.pdf &quot;Interview with the Small Wars Journal&quot;] (June 1999)

*If reason triumphs among our Kremlin opponents, we can end this war at the negotiating table. If not, then most likely blood will be spilled for a long time to come but we will not be morally responsible for the continuation of this madness.
**[https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2005/2/7/chechen-rebel-seeks-peace-talks &quot;Chechen rebel seeks peace talks&quot; in ''Al Jazeera''] (7 February 2005)

===Excerpts of Open Letter to the Leaders Of G-7 Nations (2002)===
[https://www.waynakh.com/eng/2012/12/maskhadov-s-open-letter-to-the-leaders-of-g-7-nations-2002/ source]
*I, Aslan Maskhadov, the democratically elected President of the Chechen Republic of Ichkeria, write this desperate appeal in the name of my people, the victims of a genocidal war whose daily murder has yet to awaken the conscience of the world you lead. We are as wretched, bloody and enslaved as you are rich, mighty and free. 
*You will soon gather in Genoa amidst the splendor and ceremony that befits your place in the front rank of nations. Guards of honour will salute you, you will meet in palaces and the world will listen to your every word. But I write you from a killing ground putrid with slaughter and like my brethren I remain a hunted man in my own country. I too won the privilege and responsibility of leading my nation from the ballot box, but Moscow calls me a bandit, a terrorist and a criminal.
*Beyond the confines of my tiny country, my words seem to count for little, just as the anguished cry of my people still astonishingly leaves you mute and deaf. So I will continue to write until the silence is pierced.
*You will join in your summit to consider debt relief for the impoverished developing world. This is a laudable aim, and it is the hope no doubt of countless millions that humanitarian concern motivates the strong to seek an end to indentured misery for the weak. But if you acknowledge the quiet violence of poverty upon the destitute and the hungry why do you turn away from us? We who die in the flames of the Kremlin’s dirty war, are we less worthy of compassion? What has made us invisible to you? I fear I know the answer. I fear the cold exigencies of realpolitik ensure your inaction and seal our fate. Lest you damage an uncertain relationship with a fragile and volatile new Russia, you are willing to overlook the annihilation of my people. In your eyes, for the sake of larger interests we are an expendable nation.
*Out of a population that once numbered a million, one in seven Chechens is now dead. 250,000 of our civilians are refugees. Bereft of the most basic necessities, many are ravaged by disease and malnutrition, especially the elderly and the young. More than 20,000 civilians and resistance members endure imprisonment in the new Gulags, the so-called filtration camps. Held in dehumanizingly foul and primitive conditions with little or no medical care that far exceed the worst standards of the Russian penal system, life in the improvised camps sees the sadistic and systematic use of torture. Burning with cigarettes, crippling beatings, suffocation, drowning in human excrement, mutilation with knives, high voltage electric shock and sexual abuses are only some of the common practices. Many prisoners are ultimately killed. Surely for some this must be a welcome deliverance from hell.
*In 1945 you defeated the evils of militarism, fascism and Nazism. Those nations among you that had given birth to the monstrous juggernaut and holocaust of world war, vowed never to repeat the same fatal errors and forged yourselves in a new spirit to stand proudly among the elder democracies. 
*The savagery we must bear is not new. We remember Stalin’s salt mines, his guard towers, barbed wire and unmarked graves. The pain of exodus and genocide we have known before. So we recognise the others with whom we share a terrible kinship of horror. The skeletal Jews and Romani in the ovens of Dachau and Auschwitz. The bayonet fodder of Nanjing. The ancient, wide-eyed children of Biafra. The pleading mother and baby facing the rifles at My Lai. The marsh Arabs of Iraq choked by the clouds of mustard gas. The Tutsi of Rwanda butchered on the Kigali road by the knives of the Interahamwe. They are all our martyred brothers and sisters in the legacy of senseless murder. Only our slaughter, our death is not yesterday’s, it belongs in the living nightmare of the present. How many Chechens will have died in the time you take to read this letter? 
* If you continue to stand idly by while my people vanish in a bloodbath, if you fail to act with conviction and resolve as you did in Rwanda, Chechen ghosts will stain your honour as surely as they do Russia’s. May God grant you the wisdom and vision to serve the cause of peace and justice.

==Quotes about Mashkhadov==
*These are not people with whom we can hold talks. Maskhadov does not control the situation and, more importantly, he’s a terrorist. No country in the world is willing to deal with terrorists.
**[[Dmitry Peskov]], Kremlin spokesperson, [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2005/2/7/chechen-rebel-seeks-peace-talks &quot;Chechen rebel seeks peace talks&quot; in ''Al Jazeera''] (7 February 2005)

*As a politician, he was extremely weak, extremely distrustful, very dependent on the intrigues of people surrounding him.
**[[w:Akhmed Zakayev|Akhmed Zakayev]], foreign minister of the Chechen Republic of Ichkeria, [https://www.rferl.org/a/1057883.html &quot;Chechnya: Was Maskhadov a Terrorist or a Legitimate Leader?&quot; in ''RFE/RL''] (9 March 2005)

*Like most Chechens of his generation, Maskhadov was born in exile in Kazakhstan, where Chechens had been deported en masse in 1944 under Soviet dictator [[Joseph Stalin]]. The exile added fuel to Chechens’ resentment of Russians.
**[https://www.nbcnews.com/id/wbna7127418 &quot;Chechen leader Maskhadov killed&quot; in ''NBC''] (8 March 2005)

==External links==
*{{wikipedia-inline}}
*{{commonscat-inline}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Mashkadov, Aslan}}
[[Category:1951 births]]
[[Category:2005 deaths]]
[[Category:Heads of state]]
[[Category:Heads of government]]
[[Category:Murdered people]]
[[Category:Soviet military leaders]]
[[Category:Organizations and people designated as terrorist]]
[[Category:Muslims]]
[[Category:Russian politicians]]
[[Category:Nationalists]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Katlego Kai Kolanyane-Kesupile</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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      <id>3147383</id>
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      <text bytes="4108" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Performance artist Kat Kai Koi-Kes.jpg|thumb|Katlego Kai Kolanyane-Kesupile]]
'''[[w:Katlego Kai Kolanyane-Kesupile|Katlego Kai Kolanyane-Kesupile]]''' (born January 1988, also known as '''Kat Kai Kol-Kes''') is a [[w:performance art|performance art]]ist, musician, writer and [[LGBT]] activist from [[Botswana]]. She is known for being the first public figure from the country to openly identify as a [[transgender]] person. She is also the first person from Botswana to be named a [[w:TED (conference)|TED]] Fellow.

== Quotes ==

* If there is any place I don't belong, it's in a mind where the story of me starts with the branch of me being queer and not with my rural roots.
** [https://2020.inclusionforum.global/speakers/katlego-k-kolanyane-kesupile-81/ Katlego K Kolanyane-Kesupile] (2020) Retrieved 26/07/2022

* To truly understand that attaining accessible education, accessible healthcare, and ending poverty, means ensuring that we are cognizant of the voices and lives of people like me; whether it's people who are brown skinned, African, Indigenous, Queer identifying, disabled
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iDrUQ0y4iZ0 #TurnItAround UN SDG Action Campaign | Katlego K Kolanyane-Kesupile (Botswana)] (September 2020) Retrieved 26/07/2022 

* One thing you will learn from a lifetime of biting your tongue; memories lose their flavors. 
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hOPZpYuWvOU Developing the nerve to possess yourself | Katlego K Kolanyane-Kesupile | TEDxGoodenoughCollege] (August 2017) by TEDx Talks, Retrieved 26/07/2022

* Freedom will come when all Batswana can assume and inhabit whatever gender and other identities they are comfortable with.
** [https://kalaharireview.com/agrkats-nine-lives-performing-trans-identity-ies-in-botswana-25efa11674ba Kat’s Nine Lives: Performing Trans Identity/ies in Botswana] (June 2017) Retrieved 26/07/2022

* I understand that it both is and is not my duty to deconstruct and then reconstruct my government’s views on the validity of citizens like me whom colonial constitutions factored out and vilified.
** [https://trueafrica.co/article/trans-becoming-black-woman-complications/ Being trans* is becoming a black woman of complications] (February 2017) by Kat Kai Kol-Kes, Retrieved 26/07/2022

* The core behind my work is to ensure that as Batswana we start discovering and learning from what we experience.
* The world we live in is created and it’s been being created and it is still being created. So why can’t we take things that we assume are the building blocks of what we know about our lives, about every single thing that we trust, and turn them upside down just to be a bit more accommodating.
** [https://africaindialogue.com/2016/11/13/queer-literature-and-culture-a-dialogue-with-katlego-kai-kolanyane-kesupile/ Queer Literature and Culture: A Dialogue with Katlego Kai Kolanyane-Kesupile] (November 2016) by Africa in dialogue, Retrieved 26/07/2022

== External References ==
{{wikipedia}}
* [https://2020.inclusionforum.global/speakers/katlego-k-kolanyane-kesupile-81/ Katlego K Kolanyane-Kesupile] (2020) 
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iDrUQ0y4iZ0 #TurnItAround UN SDG Action Campaign | Katlego K Kolanyane-Kesupile (Botswana)] (September 2020)
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hOPZpYuWvOU Developing the nerve to possess yourself | Katlego K Kolanyane-Kesupile | TEDxGoodenoughCollege] (August 2017)
* [https://kalaharireview.com/agrkats-nine-lives-performing-trans-identity-ies-in-botswana-25efa11674ba Kat’s Nine Lives: Performing Trans Identity/ies in Botswana] (June 2017)
* [https://trueafrica.co/article/trans-becoming-black-woman-complications/ Being trans* is becoming a black woman of complications] (February 2017)
* [https://africaindialogue.com/2016/11/13/queer-literature-and-culture-a-dialogue-with-katlego-kai-kolanyane-kesupile/ Queer Literature and Culture: A Dialogue with Katlego Kai Kolanyane-Kesupile] (November 2016)

[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:LGBT people]]
[[Category:Botswana]]
[[Category:People from Botswana]]
[[Category:Women born in the 20th century]]</text>
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      <text bytes="37" xml:space="preserve">#REDIRECT [[Bethlehem Tilahun Alemu]]</text>
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== [[:Template:Blockedreason]] ==

Completely unnecessary fork of {{tl|Blocked}}. 

This template does the exact same thing as the existing blocked template, but it has two modifications: It does not show the person how long they have been blocked for properly (though this seems to be a template coding issue, rather than an intentional action) and all information on how to appeal a block has been removed.

We do not need two templates that do the exact same thing, and there is no reason at all why we should be blocking people and deliberately avoiding telling them how to appeal. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 13:17, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 14:00, 2 August 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;</text>
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== [[:Template:Blockedreason]] ==

Completely unnecessary fork of {{tl|Blocked}}. 

This template does the exact same thing as the existing blocked template, but it has two modifications: It does not show the person how long they have been blocked for properly (though this seems to be a template coding issue, rather than an intentional action) and all information on how to appeal a block has been removed.

We do not need two templates that do the exact same thing, and there is no reason at all why we should be blocking people and deliberately avoiding telling them how to appeal. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 13:17, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 14:00, 2 August 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:20, 26 July 2022 (UTC)</text>
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== [[:Template:Blockedreason]] ==

Completely unnecessary fork of {{tl|Blocked}}. 

This template does the exact same thing as the existing blocked template, but it has two modifications: It does not show the person how long they have been blocked for properly (though this seems to be a template coding issue, rather than an intentional action) and all information on how to appeal a block has been removed.

We do not need two templates that do the exact same thing, and there is no reason at all why we should be blocking people and deliberately avoiding telling them how to appeal. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 13:17, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 14:00, 2 August 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:20, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*'''Delete''' per nom. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 15:15, 26 July 2022 (UTC)</text>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-26T13:24:15Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
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      <comment>Start deletion discussion</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="758" xml:space="preserve">{{subst:vfd-new2| pg=Template:Uw-afd5| text=Unnecessary template.

I do not think &quot;you have been repeatedly removing deletion notices from pages, went over the 3rr limit and have now been blocked for edit warring&quot; is a situation that is going to be occurring on a regular enough basis to justify a special block template. I do not see why an admin couldn't just write an explanation in a standard {{tl|blocked} template, and I don't think that admins would actually remember this exists.

Even if kept this needs a 100% remake, because it currently doesn't use wikiquote block template formatting and is full of text about &quot;articles for deletion&quot; and other wikipedia policies. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 13:24, 26 July 2022 (UTC)}}</text>
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      <comment>Fix</comment>
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== [[:Template:Uw-afd5]] ==

Unnecessary template.

I do not think &quot;you have been repeatedly removing deletion notices from pages, went over the 3rr limit and have now been blocked for edit warring&quot; is a situation that is going to be occurring on a regular enough basis to justify a special block template. I do not see why an admin couldn't just write an explanation in a standard {{tl|blocked}} template, and I don't think that admins would actually remember this exists.

Even if kept this needs a 100% remake, because it currently doesn't use wikiquote block template formatting and is full of text about &quot;articles for deletion&quot; and other wikipedia policies. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 13:24, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 14:00, 2 August 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;</text>
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== [[:Template:Uw-afd5]] ==

Unnecessary template.

I do not think &quot;you have been repeatedly removing deletion notices from pages, went over the 3rr limit and have now been blocked for edit warring&quot; is a situation that is going to be occurring on a regular enough basis to justify a special block template. I do not see why an admin couldn't just write an explanation in a standard {{tl|blocked}} template, and I don't think that admins would actually remember this exists.

Even if kept this needs a 100% remake, because it currently doesn't use wikiquote block template formatting and is full of text about &quot;articles for deletion&quot; and other wikipedia policies. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 13:24, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 14:00, 2 August 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;

*'''Delete''' as not a useful template, per nom. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 15:14, 26 July 2022 (UTC)</text>
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== [[:Template:Uw-afd5]] ==

Unnecessary template.

I do not think &quot;you have been repeatedly removing deletion notices from pages, went over the 3rr limit and have now been blocked for edit warring&quot; is a situation that is going to be occurring on a regular enough basis to justify a special block template. I do not see why an admin couldn't just write an explanation in a standard {{tl|blocked}} template, and I don't think that admins would actually remember this exists.

Even if kept this needs a 100% remake, because it currently doesn't use wikiquote block template formatting and is full of text about &quot;articles for deletion&quot; and other wikipedia policies. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 13:24, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 14:00, 2 August 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;

*'''Delete''' as not a useful template, per nom. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 15:14, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 18:46, 26 July 2022 (UTC)</text>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-26T13:28:07Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
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      <comment>Start Deletion Discussion</comment>
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== [[:Template:Ensure AAA contrast ratio]] ==

Broken template that relies on modules that don't exist here. Additionally I don't see this template as being much use on wikiquote, to use it we'd have to re-make all our existing templates, and given the small number of templates actually used on this project a manual check should suffice if you need to check the contrast ratio of a colour choice. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 13:28, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 14:00, 2 August 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;</text>
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        <id>4304</id>
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== [[:Template:Ensure AAA contrast ratio]] ==

Broken template that relies on modules that don't exist here. Additionally I don't see this template as being much use on wikiquote, to use it we'd have to re-make all our existing templates, and given the small number of templates actually used on this project a manual check should suffice if you need to check the contrast ratio of a colour choice. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 13:28, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 14:00, 2 August 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 18:46, 26 July 2022 (UTC)</text>
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== [[:Template:Templatesnotice]] ==

This template is supposed to be used to automatically generate template documentation pages. There are two issues with it as it stands though:
# It does not work, because it requires a load of templates from the English Wikipedia which do not exist here.
# It hasn't been localised, so it attempts to generate English Wikipedia specific categories, tags, bot messages, text, see also links etc.
Given the small number of templates present on this project I think it would be easier to just write a sentence or two of documentation for these pages (something I intend to do over the next few weeks) rather than trying to get this working and localised. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 13:37, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 14:00, 2 August 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;</text>
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      <comment>/* Template:Templatesnotice */ delete</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1035" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
== [[:Template:Templatesnotice]] ==

This template is supposed to be used to automatically generate template documentation pages. There are two issues with it as it stands though:
# It does not work, because it requires a load of templates from the English Wikipedia which do not exist here.
# It hasn't been localised, so it attempts to generate English Wikipedia specific categories, tags, bot messages, text, see also links etc.
Given the small number of templates present on this project I think it would be easier to just write a sentence or two of documentation for these pages (something I intend to do over the next few weeks) rather than trying to get this working and localised. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 13:37, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 14:00, 2 August 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 18:47, 26 July 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>bkh2sfo0sf8009qhz79bgydzaya0sfr</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Closed and Template:Reopen</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>249666</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147430</id>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T13:59:05Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Start deletion discussion</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="2546" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
== [[:Template:Closed and Template:Reopen]] ==

This nomination is for {{tl|Closed}}, {{tl|Reopen}} and all their subtemplates, &quot;databases&quot; and other related stuff, basically everything in [[Special:Prefixindex/Template:Closed]] and [[Special:Prefixindex/Template:Reopen]].

These templates attempt to reinvent the entire process of closing discussions, but do so in an unnecessarily convoluted and bureaucratic way for no good reason. At the moment all Template:Closed does is wrap text you give it in {{tl|discussion-closed-top}} and {{tl|discussion-closed-bottom}} tags, but that isn't how the template is supposed to work.

When you use the closed template rather than closing the discussion what it does is start a &quot;request for closing&quot;. The editor has to put in a reason why they are requesting closure, then template creates a message and requests that an admin come along and verify that the close is correct. The admin then has to click a link to create an entry at [[Template:Closed/DataBase/VerifiedDataBase]], which causes the template to actually display the &quot;this discussion has been closed&quot; message.

If another editor wants to reopen the discussion they have to use Template:Reopen. This works in a similar way to the closed template, an editor has to submit a request to reopen the discussion, an admin has to come along and &quot;verify&quot; that the request is valid, the template creates a ''page'' as part of a &quot;verified database&quot; to record that the reopening has occurred, at which point the discussion can start again. 

These templates add an inordinate amount of time wasting, fucking about and admin intervention to a process that does not require it for no discernible benefit, closing or archiving a talk page discussion does not need checking by an admin. The creation of these &quot;databases&quot; is completely pointless, and is just going to result in a mess of thousands and thousands of pages in template space. These templates have built in &quot;security features&quot; like the databases and the pseudo-random number generation which add no actual security because this is a wiki, and basically any page can be edited by anyone. Overall these seem completely inferior to just using {{tl|discussion-closed-top}} and {{tl|discussion-closed-bottom}}, which have been in use for decades at this point. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 13:58, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 14:00, 2 August 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;</text>
      <sha1>atpgwfelzd2p6rfau98yo2aaz1nbdhm</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147431</id>
      <parentid>3147430</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T13:59:41Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Clean-up</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="2443" xml:space="preserve">== Template:Closed and Template:Reopen ==

This nomination is for {{tl|Closed}}, {{tl|Reopen}} and all their subtemplates, &quot;databases&quot; and other related stuff, basically everything in [[Special:Prefixindex/Template:Closed]] and [[Special:Prefixindex/Template:Reopen]].

These templates attempt to reinvent the entire process of closing discussions, but do so in an unnecessarily convoluted and bureaucratic way for no good reason. At the moment all Template:Closed does is wrap text you give it in {{tl|discussion-closed-top}} and {{tl|discussion-closed-bottom}} tags, but that isn't how the template is supposed to work.

When you use the closed template rather than closing the discussion what it does is start a &quot;request for closing&quot;. The editor has to put in a reason why they are requesting closure, then template creates a message and requests that an admin come along and verify that the close is correct. The admin then has to click a link to create an entry at [[Template:Closed/DataBase/VerifiedDataBase]], which causes the template to actually display the &quot;this discussion has been closed&quot; message.

If another editor wants to reopen the discussion they have to use Template:Reopen. This works in a similar way to the closed template, an editor has to submit a request to reopen the discussion, an admin has to come along and &quot;verify&quot; that the request is valid, the template creates a ''page'' as part of a &quot;verified database&quot; to record that the reopening has occurred, at which point the discussion can start again. 

These templates add an inordinate amount of time wasting, fucking about and admin intervention to a process that does not require it for no discernible benefit, closing or archiving a talk page discussion does not need checking by an admin. The creation of these &quot;databases&quot; is completely pointless, and is just going to result in a mess of thousands and thousands of pages in template space. These templates have built in &quot;security features&quot; like the databases and the pseudo-random number generation which add no actual security because this is a wiki, and basically any page can be edited by anyone. Overall these seem completely inferior to just using {{tl|discussion-closed-top}} and {{tl|discussion-closed-bottom}}, which have been in use for decades at this point. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 13:58, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 14:00, 2 August 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;</text>
      <sha1>kep5y95ob2p25yarmx397i12bujug1n</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147641</id>
      <parentid>3147431</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T18:47:32Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:Closed and Template:Reopen */ delete</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="2550" xml:space="preserve">== Template:Closed and Template:Reopen ==

This nomination is for {{tl|Closed}}, {{tl|Reopen}} and all their subtemplates, &quot;databases&quot; and other related stuff, basically everything in [[Special:Prefixindex/Template:Closed]] and [[Special:Prefixindex/Template:Reopen]].

These templates attempt to reinvent the entire process of closing discussions, but do so in an unnecessarily convoluted and bureaucratic way for no good reason. At the moment all Template:Closed does is wrap text you give it in {{tl|discussion-closed-top}} and {{tl|discussion-closed-bottom}} tags, but that isn't how the template is supposed to work.

When you use the closed template rather than closing the discussion what it does is start a &quot;request for closing&quot;. The editor has to put in a reason why they are requesting closure, then template creates a message and requests that an admin come along and verify that the close is correct. The admin then has to click a link to create an entry at [[Template:Closed/DataBase/VerifiedDataBase]], which causes the template to actually display the &quot;this discussion has been closed&quot; message.

If another editor wants to reopen the discussion they have to use Template:Reopen. This works in a similar way to the closed template, an editor has to submit a request to reopen the discussion, an admin has to come along and &quot;verify&quot; that the request is valid, the template creates a ''page'' as part of a &quot;verified database&quot; to record that the reopening has occurred, at which point the discussion can start again. 

These templates add an inordinate amount of time wasting, fucking about and admin intervention to a process that does not require it for no discernible benefit, closing or archiving a talk page discussion does not need checking by an admin. The creation of these &quot;databases&quot; is completely pointless, and is just going to result in a mess of thousands and thousands of pages in template space. These templates have built in &quot;security features&quot; like the databases and the pseudo-random number generation which add no actual security because this is a wiki, and basically any page can be edited by anyone. Overall these seem completely inferior to just using {{tl|discussion-closed-top}} and {{tl|discussion-closed-bottom}}, which have been in use for decades at this point. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 13:58, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 14:00, 2 August 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 18:47, 26 July 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>5haveicoe4ozbklb0t804ydnt9kfyoc</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Born Again Virgin Christmas Special</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>249667</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147497</id>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:09:27Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Born Again Virgin Christmas Special */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="41" xml:space="preserve">===Born Again Virgin Christmas Special===</text>
      <sha1>41ju5ue2oe500sg70oglx7kigwjapfw</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147510</id>
      <parentid>3147497</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:13:28Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Born Again Virgin Christmas Special */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="988" xml:space="preserve">===Born Again Virgin Christmas Special===
:'''The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come''' Remember what you have learned this night, Ebenezer Scrooge! Remember...Remember...
:''[Then Scrooge wakes up on Christmas morning]''
:'''Ebenezer Scrooge''': ''[gasps]'' I-it's Christmas morning! Oh, thank God! It's not too late to share what I've learned! ''[opens the window and shouts to the world, which startles the people]'' Ghosts are ''[bleep]''ing real, guys! ''[zips downstairs, out the door, and run towards the people]'' I just got visited by three-three son-of-a-bitching ghosts! Is everyone hearing me?! Some of them show you the past, and they're not bad people, and some of them show you the present, and they're like a friend that's died. But I implore you. Don't get cocky, because there are also future ghosts. And ''[bleep]'' me, I hope you won't miss your balls when they climb up into your body when you see these sons of bitches! Ghosts!! ''[runs off, which confuses the people]''</text>
      <sha1>a79op520zmyblf9ef3i375uqz00wdh9</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147512</id>
      <parentid>3147510</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:13:47Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Born Again Virgin Christmas Special */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="988" xml:space="preserve">===Born Again Virgin Christmas Special===
:'''The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come''' Remember what you have learned this night, Ebenezer Scrooge! Remember...Remember...
:''[Then Scrooge wakes up on Christmas morning]''
:'''Ebenezer Scrooge''': ''[gasps]'' I-It's Christmas morning! Oh, thank God! It's not too late to share what I've learned! ''[opens the window and shouts to the world, which startles the people]'' Ghosts are ''[bleep]''ing real, guys! ''[zips downstairs, out the door, and run towards the people]'' I just got visited by three-three son-of-a-bitching ghosts! Is everyone hearing me?! Some of them show you the past, and they're not bad people, and some of them show you the present, and they're like a friend that's died. But I implore you. Don't get cocky, because there are also future ghosts. And ''[bleep]'' me, I hope you won't miss your balls when they climb up into your body when you see these sons of bitches! Ghosts!! ''[runs off, which confuses the people]''</text>
      <sha1>g04owjiaqt7jp6jywait2edqhzplt9a</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147532</id>
      <parentid>3147512</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:23:13Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Born Again Virgin Christmas Special */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="2205" xml:space="preserve">===Born Again Virgin Christmas Special===
:'''The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come''' Remember what you have learned this night, Ebenezer Scrooge! Remember...Remember...
:''[Then Scrooge wakes up on Christmas morning]''
:'''Ebenezer Scrooge''': ''[gasps]'' I-It's Christmas morning! Oh, thank God! It's not too late to share what I've learned! ''[opens the window and shouts to the world, which startles the people]'' Ghosts are ''[bleep]''ing real, guys! ''[zips downstairs, out the door, and run towards the people]'' I just got visited by three-three son-of-a-bitching ghosts! Is everyone hearing me?! Some of them show you the past, and they're not bad people, and some of them show you the present, and they're like a friend that's died. But I implore you. Don't get cocky, because there are also future ghosts. And ''[bleep]'' me, I hope you won't miss your balls when they climb up into your body when you see these sons of bitches! Ghosts!! ''[runs off, which confuses the people]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:Santa Claus''': [stomach gurgling] Uh-oh. Mowed down one cookie too many. Code brown, people! ''[goes upstairs; farting]'' Oh, phenomenal. ''[goes into the bathroom; farting continues]'' Oh, God. Shh-shh! Shut up. ''[plop]'' Ah, ''[bleep]''ing splashback! Dead-of-winter, east coast, midnight toilet splashback! ''[Bleep]''! It's like crapping into an overturned igloo! Okay. Let's triage this disaster. Aw. Aw! This isn't two-ply! This isn't even a ply! This is a fraction of a ply! Great. A little asshole sandpaper massage should get the rest of my night off to a good start. ''[the boy wakes up, and hears someone coming from the bathroom]'' Good thing my whip has a front seat that's basically a ''[bleep]''ing wooden plank. ''[the boy runs towards the parents bedroom to wake up his dad]'' Hello, next nine hours of my life. ''[toilet handle jiggles as the father grabs the bat]'' Hmm. Can't flush. I'd wake them up. Sorry, kids. One of you is taking the heat for this crime scene tomorrow morning.
:''[As Santa opens the door, the father swings the bat and whacks Santa in the face, knocking him dead, literally. Blood splatters everywhere]''
:'''Dad''': ''[to his son]'' Well, call the cops!</text>
      <sha1>ndph8vl6yckzxc63h59b88o9letkzzz</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147533</id>
      <parentid>3147532</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:23:22Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Born Again Virgin Christmas Special */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="2208" xml:space="preserve">===Born Again Virgin Christmas Special===
:'''The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come''' Remember what you have learned this night, Ebenezer Scrooge! Remember...Remember...
:''[Then Scrooge wakes up on Christmas morning]''
:'''Ebenezer Scrooge''': ''[gasps]'' I-It's Christmas morning! Oh, thank God! It's not too late to share what I've learned! ''[opens the window and shouts to the world, which startles the people]'' Ghosts are ''[bleep]''ing real, guys! ''[zips downstairs, out the door, and run towards the people]'' I just got visited by three-three son-of-a-bitching ghosts! Is everyone hearing me?! Some of them show you the past, and they're not bad people, and some of them show you the present, and they're like a friend that's died. But I implore you. Don't get cocky, because there are also future ghosts. And ''[bleep]'' me, I hope you won't miss your balls when they climb up into your body when you see these sons of bitches! Ghosts!! ''[runs off, which confuses the people]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Santa Claus''': [stomach gurgling] Uh-oh. Mowed down one cookie too many. Code brown, people! ''[goes upstairs; farting]'' Oh, phenomenal. ''[goes into the bathroom; farting continues]'' Oh, God. Shh-shh! Shut up. ''[plop]'' Ah, ''[bleep]''ing splashback! Dead-of-winter, east coast, midnight toilet splashback! ''[Bleep]''! It's like crapping into an overturned igloo! Okay. Let's triage this disaster. Aw. Aw! This isn't two-ply! This isn't even a ply! This is a fraction of a ply! Great. A little asshole sandpaper massage should get the rest of my night off to a good start. ''[the boy wakes up, and hears someone coming from the bathroom]'' Good thing my whip has a front seat that's basically a ''[bleep]''ing wooden plank. ''[the boy runs towards the parents bedroom to wake up his dad]'' Hello, next nine hours of my life. ''[toilet handle jiggles as the father grabs the bat]'' Hmm. Can't flush. I'd wake them up. Sorry, kids. One of you is taking the heat for this crime scene tomorrow morning.
:''[As Santa opens the door, the father swings the bat and whacks Santa in the face, knocking him dead, literally. Blood splatters everywhere]''
:'''Dad''': ''[to his son]'' Well, call the cops!</text>
      <sha1>dj1czh09x87hr4rrx58leto0qflv2c4</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147549</id>
      <parentid>3147533</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:42:34Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Born Again Virgin Christmas Special */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="4687" xml:space="preserve">===Born Again Virgin Christmas Special===
:'''The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come''' Remember what you have learned this night, Ebenezer Scrooge! Remember...Remember...
:''[Then Scrooge wakes up on Christmas morning]''
:'''Ebenezer Scrooge''': ''[gasps]'' I-It's Christmas morning! Oh, thank God! It's not too late to share what I've learned! ''[opens the window and shouts to the world, which startles the people]'' Ghosts are ''[bleep]''ing real, guys! ''[zips downstairs, out the door, and run towards the people]'' I just got visited by three-three son-of-a-bitching ghosts! Is everyone hearing me?! Some of them show you the past, and they're not bad people, and some of them show you the present, and they're like a friend that's died. But I implore you. Don't get cocky, because there are also future ghosts. And ''[bleep]'' me, I hope you won't miss your balls when they climb up into your body when you see these sons of bitches! Ghosts!! ''[runs off, which confuses the people]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Santa Claus''': [stomach gurgling] Uh-oh. Mowed down one cookie too many. Code brown, people! ''[goes upstairs; farting]'' Oh, phenomenal. ''[goes into the bathroom; farting continues]'' Oh, God. Shh-shh! Shut up. ''[plop]'' Ah, ''[bleep]''ing splashback! Dead-of-winter, east coast, midnight toilet splashback! ''[Bleep]''! It's like crapping into an overturned igloo! Okay. Let's triage this disaster. Aw. Aw! This isn't two-ply! This isn't even a ply! This is a fraction of a ply! Great. A little asshole sandpaper massage should get the rest of my night off to a good start. ''[the boy wakes up, and hears someone coming from the bathroom]'' Good thing my whip has a front seat that's basically a ''[bleep]''ing wooden plank. ''[the boy runs towards the parents bedroom to wake up his dad]'' Hello, next nine hours of my life. ''[toilet handle jiggles as the father grabs the bat]'' Hmm. Can't flush. I'd wake them up. Sorry, kids. One of you is taking the heat for this crime scene tomorrow morning.
:''[As Santa opens the door, the father swings the bat and whacks Santa in the face, knocking him dead, literally. Blood splatters everywhere]''
:'''Dad''': ''[to his son]'' Well, call the cops!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[On Christmas Eve, 1914, most of the soldiers were coughing and crying in pain because of World War I. Captions appears and says &quot;Christmas 1914&quot;, and disappears. We pan over to the sergeant, Private Doyle, and the soldier]''
:'''Soldier 1''': Well, didn't think you'd be spending Christmas throwing yourself against the German line, eh, boys? Did you ask Santa for anything this year, sergeant?
:'''Sergeant''': A pack of smokes would do nicely. I'd settle for a pair of warm socks!
:'''Private Doyle''': I'm asking Santa to bust through that kraut line and save us the trouble.
:'''Soldier 1''': Ha! That's the spirit, Doyle.
:'''Soldier 2''': Guys, you're not going to believe this! We've called a Christmas truce with the Germans! It's a miracle!
:''[All the American and German soldiers are laughing and playing]''
:'''Soldier 1''': I guess we're all human beings, after all.
:'''German Soldier 1''': We'll all be telling our children about the great Christmas miracle truce of-
::'''Santa Claus''': ''[from the distance]'' Ho, ho, ho!
:'''Soldier 1''': What was that?
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[arrives on his sleigh]'' I'm looking for a Private Doyle. I have a very special gift for him...
:'''German Soldier 1''': ''[gasps]'' This is Private Doyle, my new holiday friend!
:'''Santa Claus''': Doyle! I brought you that present you asked for! ''[pulls out a Tommy-gun]]' Hiya! Merry Christmas. ''[shoots some of the German soldiers]'' Come on, men! We're busting through this line! ''[shoots some more]'' Do it for Doyle.
:'''German Soldier 2''': Nein!
:'''Santa Claus''': Ho ho ho! ''[a reindeer kills some of the Germans with its hooves]'' Heads up, &quot;Jerry.&quot; ''[throws a grenade into an igloo and explodes. He faces the last German soldier with his pistol]''
:'''German Soldier 1''': ''[crying]'' But we had the truce! ''[holding Doyle hostage with his knife]''
:''[Santa tries to shoot the German soldier, but he ran out of ammo]''
::'''Private Doyle''': ;''[relieved]'' Oh, thank God. Look, there was a truce! ''[Santa finally shoots the German soldier dead]'' GOD DAMN IT! STOP!!!! I don't care what I asked for! We made a Christmas truce! It was a triumph of humanity!
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[realizing his mistake]'' Wha-? You're kidding me! Oh, damn. That really sounds like it would have been inspiring. ''[to the rest of an American soldiers]'' Anyway, who had the socks?
:''[The sergeant raises his hand, and Santa tosses the pair of socks to him]''</text>
      <sha1>00ff1l4uoc43mtk8j2vuhjm6y1cgobc</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147550</id>
      <parentid>3147549</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:42:45Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Born Again Virgin Christmas Special */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="4686" xml:space="preserve">===Born Again Virgin Christmas Special===
:'''The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come''' Remember what you have learned this night, Ebenezer Scrooge! Remember...Remember...
:''[Then Scrooge wakes up on Christmas morning]''
:'''Ebenezer Scrooge''': ''[gasps]'' I-It's Christmas morning! Oh, thank God! It's not too late to share what I've learned! ''[opens the window and shouts to the world, which startles the people]'' Ghosts are ''[bleep]''ing real, guys! ''[zips downstairs, out the door, and run towards the people]'' I just got visited by three-three son-of-a-bitching ghosts! Is everyone hearing me?! Some of them show you the past, and they're not bad people, and some of them show you the present, and they're like a friend that's died. But I implore you. Don't get cocky, because there are also future ghosts. And ''[bleep]'' me, I hope you won't miss your balls when they climb up into your body when you see these sons of bitches! Ghosts!! ''[runs off, which confuses the people]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Santa Claus''': [stomach gurgling] Uh-oh. Mowed down one cookie too many. Code brown, people! ''[goes upstairs; farting]'' Oh, phenomenal. ''[goes into the bathroom; farting continues]'' Oh, God. Shh-shh! Shut up. ''[plop]'' Ah, ''[bleep]''ing splashback! Dead-of-winter, east coast, midnight toilet splashback! ''[Bleep]''! It's like crapping into an overturned igloo! Okay. Let's triage this disaster. Aw. Aw! This isn't two-ply! This isn't even a ply! This is a fraction of a ply! Great. A little asshole sandpaper massage should get the rest of my night off to a good start. ''[the boy wakes up, and hears someone coming from the bathroom]'' Good thing my whip has a front seat that's basically a ''[bleep]''ing wooden plank. ''[the boy runs towards the parents bedroom to wake up his dad]'' Hello, next nine hours of my life. ''[toilet handle jiggles as the father grabs the bat]'' Hmm. Can't flush. I'd wake them up. Sorry, kids. One of you is taking the heat for this crime scene tomorrow morning.
:''[As Santa opens the door, the father swings the bat and whacks Santa in the face, knocking him dead, literally. Blood splatters everywhere]''
:'''Dad''': ''[to his son]'' Well, call the cops!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[On Christmas Eve, 1914, most of the soldiers were coughing and crying in pain because of World War I. Captions appears and says &quot;Christmas 1914&quot;, and disappears. We pan over to the sergeant, Private Doyle, and the soldier]''
:'''Soldier 1''': Well, didn't think you'd be spending Christmas throwing yourself against the German line, eh, boys? Did you ask Santa for anything this year, sergeant?
:'''Sergeant''': A pack of smokes would do nicely. I'd settle for a pair of warm socks!
:'''Private Doyle''': I'm asking Santa to bust through that kraut line and save us the trouble.
:'''Soldier 1''': Ha! That's the spirit, Doyle.
:'''Soldier 2''': Guys, you're not going to believe this! We've called a Christmas truce with the Germans! It's a miracle!
:''[All the American and German soldiers are laughing and playing]''
:'''Soldier 1''': I guess we're all human beings, after all.
:'''German Soldier 1''': We'll all be telling our children about the great Christmas miracle truce of-
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[from the distance]'' Ho, ho, ho!
:'''Soldier 1''': What was that?
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[arrives on his sleigh]'' I'm looking for a Private Doyle. I have a very special gift for him...
:'''German Soldier 1''': ''[gasps]'' This is Private Doyle, my new holiday friend!
:'''Santa Claus''': Doyle! I brought you that present you asked for! ''[pulls out a Tommy-gun]]' Hiya! Merry Christmas. ''[shoots some of the German soldiers]'' Come on, men! We're busting through this line! ''[shoots some more]'' Do it for Doyle.
:'''German Soldier 2''': Nein!
:'''Santa Claus''': Ho ho ho! ''[a reindeer kills some of the Germans with its hooves]'' Heads up, &quot;Jerry.&quot; ''[throws a grenade into an igloo and explodes. He faces the last German soldier with his pistol]''
:'''German Soldier 1''': ''[crying]'' But we had the truce! ''[holding Doyle hostage with his knife]''
:''[Santa tries to shoot the German soldier, but he ran out of ammo]''
::'''Private Doyle''': ;''[relieved]'' Oh, thank God. Look, there was a truce! ''[Santa finally shoots the German soldier dead]'' GOD DAMN IT! STOP!!!! I don't care what I asked for! We made a Christmas truce! It was a triumph of humanity!
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[realizing his mistake]'' Wha-? You're kidding me! Oh, damn. That really sounds like it would have been inspiring. ''[to the rest of an American soldiers]'' Anyway, who had the socks?
:''[The sergeant raises his hand, and Santa tosses the pair of socks to him]''</text>
      <sha1>26jdaop04495ctwa247nb1jxc9kmz57</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147551</id>
      <parentid>3147550</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:42:59Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Born Again Virgin Christmas Special */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="4685" xml:space="preserve">===Born Again Virgin Christmas Special===
:'''The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come''' Remember what you have learned this night, Ebenezer Scrooge! Remember...Remember...
:''[Then Scrooge wakes up on Christmas morning]''
:'''Ebenezer Scrooge''': ''[gasps]'' I-It's Christmas morning! Oh, thank God! It's not too late to share what I've learned! ''[opens the window and shouts to the world, which startles the people]'' Ghosts are ''[bleep]''ing real, guys! ''[zips downstairs, out the door, and run towards the people]'' I just got visited by three-three son-of-a-bitching ghosts! Is everyone hearing me?! Some of them show you the past, and they're not bad people, and some of them show you the present, and they're like a friend that's died. But I implore you. Don't get cocky, because there are also future ghosts. And ''[bleep]'' me, I hope you won't miss your balls when they climb up into your body when you see these sons of bitches! Ghosts!! ''[runs off, which confuses the people]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Santa Claus''': [stomach gurgling] Uh-oh. Mowed down one cookie too many. Code brown, people! ''[goes upstairs; farting]'' Oh, phenomenal. ''[goes into the bathroom; farting continues]'' Oh, God. Shh-shh! Shut up. ''[plop]'' Ah, ''[bleep]''ing splashback! Dead-of-winter, east coast, midnight toilet splashback! ''[Bleep]''! It's like crapping into an overturned igloo! Okay. Let's triage this disaster. Aw. Aw! This isn't two-ply! This isn't even a ply! This is a fraction of a ply! Great. A little asshole sandpaper massage should get the rest of my night off to a good start. ''[the boy wakes up, and hears someone coming from the bathroom]'' Good thing my whip has a front seat that's basically a ''[bleep]''ing wooden plank. ''[the boy runs towards the parents bedroom to wake up his dad]'' Hello, next nine hours of my life. ''[toilet handle jiggles as the father grabs the bat]'' Hmm. Can't flush. I'd wake them up. Sorry, kids. One of you is taking the heat for this crime scene tomorrow morning.
:''[As Santa opens the door, the father swings the bat and whacks Santa in the face, knocking him dead, literally. Blood splatters everywhere]''
:'''Dad''': ''[to his son]'' Well, call the cops!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[On Christmas Eve, 1914, most of the soldiers were coughing and crying in pain because of World War I. Captions appears and says &quot;Christmas 1914&quot;, and disappears. We pan over to the sergeant, Private Doyle, and the soldier]''
:'''Soldier 1''': Well, didn't think you'd be spending Christmas throwing yourself against the German line, eh, boys? Did you ask Santa for anything this year, sergeant?
:'''Sergeant''': A pack of smokes would do nicely. I'd settle for a pair of warm socks!
:'''Private Doyle''': I'm asking Santa to bust through that kraut line and save us the trouble.
:'''Soldier 1''': Ha! That's the spirit, Doyle.
:'''Soldier 2''': Guys, you're not going to believe this! We've called a Christmas truce with the Germans! It's a miracle!
:''[All the American and German soldiers are laughing and playing]''
:'''Soldier 1''': I guess we're all human beings, after all.
:'''German Soldier 1''': We'll all be telling our children about the great Christmas miracle truce of-
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[from the distance]'' Ho, ho, ho!
:'''Soldier 1''': What was that?
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[arrives on his sleigh]'' I'm looking for a Private Doyle. I have a very special gift for him...
:'''German Soldier 1''': ''[gasps]'' This is Private Doyle, my new holiday friend!
:'''Santa Claus''': Doyle! I brought you that present you asked for! ''[pulls out a Tommy-gun]]' Hiya! Merry Christmas. ''[shoots some of the German soldiers]'' Come on, men! We're busting through this line! ''[shoots some more]'' Do it for Doyle.
:'''German Soldier 2''': Nein!
:'''Santa Claus''': Ho ho ho! ''[a reindeer kills some of the Germans with its hooves]'' Heads up, &quot;Jerry.&quot; ''[throws a grenade into an igloo and explodes. He faces the last German soldier with his pistol]''
:'''German Soldier 1''': ''[crying]'' But we had the truce! ''[holding Doyle hostage with his knife]''
:''[Santa tries to shoot the German soldier, but he ran out of ammo]''
:'''Private Doyle''': ;''[relieved]'' Oh, thank God. Look, there was a truce! ''[Santa finally shoots the German soldier dead]'' GOD DAMN IT! STOP!!!! I don't care what I asked for! We made a Christmas truce! It was a triumph of humanity!
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[realizing his mistake]'' Wha-? You're kidding me! Oh, damn. That really sounds like it would have been inspiring. ''[to the rest of an American soldiers]'' Anyway, who had the socks?
:''[The sergeant raises his hand, and Santa tosses the pair of socks to him]''</text>
      <sha1>8b64gsx6vj52x0oj43cgawfiheqrd9h</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147555</id>
      <parentid>3147551</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:44:34Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Born Again Virgin Christmas Special */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="4700" xml:space="preserve">===Born Again Virgin Christmas Special===
:'''The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come''' Remember what you have learned this night, Ebenezer Scrooge! Remember...Remember...
:''[Then Scrooge wakes up on Christmas morning]''
:'''Ebenezer Scrooge''': ''[gasps]'' I-It's Christmas morning! Oh, thank God! It's not too late to share what I've learned! ''[opens the window and shouts to the world, which startles the people]'' Ghosts are ''[bleep]''ing real, guys! ''[zips downstairs, out the door, and run towards the people]'' I just got visited by three-three son-of-a-bitching ghosts! Is everyone hearing me?! Some of them show you the past, and they're not bad people, and some of them show you the present, and they're like a friend that's died. But I implore you. Don't get cocky, because there are also future ghosts. And ''[bleep]'' me, I hope you won't miss your balls when they climb up into your body when you see these sons of bitches! Ghosts!! ''[runs off, which confuses the people]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Santa Claus''': [stomach gurgling] Uh-oh. Mowed down one cookie too many. Code brown, people! ''[goes upstairs; farting]'' Oh, phenomenal. ''[goes into the bathroom; farting continues]'' Oh, God. Shh-shh! Shut up. ''[plop]'' Ah, ''[bleep]''ing splashback! Dead-of-winter, east coast, midnight toilet splashback! ''[Bleep]''! It's like crapping into an overturned igloo! Okay. Let's triage this disaster. Aw. Aw! This isn't two-ply! This isn't even a ply! This is a fraction of a ply! Great. A little asshole sandpaper massage should get the rest of my night off to a good start. ''[the boy wakes up, and hears someone coming from the bathroom]'' Good thing my whip has a front seat that's basically a ''[bleep]''ing wooden plank. ''[the boy runs towards the parents bedroom to wake up his dad]'' Hello, next nine hours of my life. ''[toilet handle jiggles as the father grabs the bat]'' Hmm. Can't flush. I'd wake them up. Sorry, kids. One of you is taking the heat for this crime scene tomorrow morning.
:''[As Santa opens the door, the father swings the bat and whacks Santa in the face, knocking him dead, literally. Blood splatters everywhere]''
:'''Dad''': ''[to his son]'' Well, call the cops!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[On Christmas Eve, 1914, most of the soldiers were coughing and crying in pain because of World War I. Captions appears and says &quot;Christmas 1914&quot;, and disappears. We pan over to the sergeant, Private Doyle, and the soldier]''
:'''Soldier 1''': Well, didn't think you'd be spending Christmas throwing yourself against the German line, eh, boys? Did you ask Santa for anything this year, sergeant?
:'''Sergeant''': A pack of smokes would do nicely.
:'''Soldier 2''': I'd settle for a pair of warm socks!
:'''Private Doyle''': I'm asking Santa to bust through that kraut line and save us the trouble.
:'''Soldier 1''': Ha! That's the spirit, Doyle.
:'''Soldier 3''': Guys, you're not going to believe this! We've called a Christmas truce with the Germans! It's a miracle!
:''[All the American and German soldiers are laughing and playing]''
:'''Soldier 1''': I guess we're all human beings, after all.
:'''German Soldier 1''': We'll all be telling our children about the great Christmas miracle truce of-
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[from the distance]'' Ho, ho, ho!
:'''Soldier 1''': What was that?
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[arrives on his sleigh]'' I'm looking for a Private Doyle. I have a very special gift for him...
:'''German Soldier 1''': ''[gasps]'' This is Private Doyle, my new holiday friend!
:'''Santa Claus''': Doyle! I brought you that present you asked for! ''[pulls out a Tommy-gun]]' Hiya! Merry Christmas. ''[shoots some of the German soldiers]'' Come on, men! We're busting through this line! ''[shoots some more]'' Do it for Doyle.
:'''German Soldier 2''': Nein!
:'''Santa Claus''': Ho ho ho! ''[a reindeer kills some of the Germans with its hooves]'' Heads up, &quot;Jerry.&quot; ''[throws a grenade into an igloo and explodes. He faces the last German soldier with his pistol]''
:'''German Soldier 1''': ''[crying]'' But we had the truce! ''[holding Doyle hostage with his knife]''
:''[Santa tries to shoot the German soldier, but he ran out of ammo]''
:'''Private Doyle''': ;''[relieved]'' Oh, thank God. Look, there was a truce! ''[Santa finally shoots the German soldier dead]'' GOD DAMN IT! STOP!!!! I don't care what I asked for! We made a Christmas truce! It was a triumph of humanity!
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[realizing his mistake]'' Wha-? You're kidding me! Oh, damn. That really sounds like it would have been inspiring. ''[to the rest of an American soldiers]'' Anyway, who had the socks?
:''[Soldier 2 raises his hand, and Santa tosses the pair of socks to him]''</text>
      <sha1>g6eh1a9v2kra6f1q23frefvwlvkhc1t</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147560</id>
      <parentid>3147555</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:46:22Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Born Again Virgin Christmas Special */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="4695" xml:space="preserve">===Born Again Virgin Christmas Special===
:'''The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come''' Remember what you have learned this night, Ebenezer Scrooge! Remember...Remember...
:''[Then Scrooge wakes up on Christmas morning]''
:'''Ebenezer Scrooge''': ''[gasps]'' I-It's Christmas morning! Oh, thank God! It's not too late to share what I've learned! ''[opens the window and shouts to the world, which startles the people]'' Ghosts are ''[bleep]''ing real, guys! ''[zips downstairs, out the door, and run towards the people]'' I just got visited by three-three son-of-a-bitching ghosts! Is everyone hearing me?! Some of them show you the past, and they're not bad people, and some of them show you the present, and they're like a friend that's died. But I implore you. Don't get cocky, because there are also future ghosts. And ''[bleep]'' me, I hope you won't miss your balls when they climb up into your body when you see these sons of bitches! Ghosts!! ''[runs off, which confuses the people]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Santa Claus''': [stomach gurgling] Uh-oh. Mowed down one cookie too many. Code brown, people! ''[goes upstairs; farting]'' Oh, phenomenal. ''[goes into the bathroom; farting continues]'' Oh, God. Shh-shh! Shut up. ''[plop]'' Ah, ''[bleep]''ing splashback! Dead-of-winter, east coast, midnight toilet splashback! ''[Bleep]''! It's like crapping into an overturned igloo! Okay. Let's triage this disaster. Aw. Aw! This isn't two-ply! This isn't even a ply! This is a fraction of a ply! Great. A little asshole sandpaper massage should get the rest of my night off to a good start. ''[the boy wakes up, and hears someone coming from the bathroom]'' Good thing my whip has a front seat that's basically a ''[bleep]''ing wooden plank. ''[the boy runs towards the parents bedroom to wake up his dad]'' Hello, next nine hours of my life. ''[toilet handle jiggles as the father grabs the bat]'' Hmm. Can't flush. I'd wake them up. Sorry, kids. One of you is taking the heat for this crime scene tomorrow morning.
:''[As Santa opens the door, the father swings the bat and whacks Santa in the face, knocking him dead, literally. Blood splatters everywhere]''
:'''Dad''': ''[to his son]'' Well, call the cops!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[On Christmas Eve, 1914, most of the soldiers were coughing and crying in pain because of World War I. Captions appears and says &quot;Christmas 1914&quot;, and disappears. We pan over to the sergeant, Private Doyle, and the soldier]''
:'''Soldier 1''': Well, didn't think you'd be spending Christmas throwing yourself against the German line, eh, boys? Did you ask Santa for anything this year, sergeant?
:'''Sergeant''': A pack of smokes would do nicely.
:'''Soldier 2''': I'd settle for a pair of warm socks!
:'''Private Doyle''': I'm asking Santa to bust through that kraut line and save us the trouble.
:'''Soldier 1''': Ha! That's the spirit, Doyle.
:'''Soldier 3''': Guys, you're not going to believe this! We've called a Christmas truce with the Germans! It's a miracle!
:''[All the American and German soldiers are laughing and playing]''
:'''Soldier 1''': I guess we're all human beings, after all.
:'''German Soldier 1''': Ve'll all be telling our children about ze great Christmas miracle truce of-
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[from the distance]'' Ho, ho, ho!
:'''Soldier 1''': What was that?
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[arrives on his sleigh]'' I'm looking for a Private Doyle. I have a very special gift for him.
:'''German Soldier 1''': ''[gasps]'' Zis is Private Doyle, my new holiday friend!
:'''Santa Claus''': Doyle! I brought you that present you asked for! ''[pulls out a Tommy-gun]'' Hiya! Merry Christmas. ''[shoots some of the German soldiers]'' Come on, men! We're busting through this line! ''[shoots some more]'' Do it for Doyle.
:'''German Soldier 2''': Nein!
:'''Santa Claus''': Ho ho ho! ''[a reindeer kills some of the Germans with its hooves]'' Heads up, &quot;Jerry.&quot; ''[throws a grenade into an igloo and explodes. He faces the last German soldier with his pistol]''
:'''German Soldier 1''': ''[crying]'' But ve had ze truce! ''[holding Doyle hostage with his knife]''
:''[Santa tries to shoot the German soldier, but he ran out of ammo]''
:'''Private Doyle''': ;''[relieved]'' Oh, thank God. Look, there was a truce! ''[Santa finally shoots the German soldier dead]'' GOD DAMN IT! STOP!!!! I don't care what I asked for! We made a Christmas truce! It was a triumph of humanity!
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[realizing his mistake]'' Wha-? You're kidding me! Oh, damn. That really sounds like it would have been inspiring. ''[to the rest of an American soldiers]'' Anyway, who had the socks?
:''[Soldier 2 raises his hand, and Santa tosses the pair of socks to him]''</text>
      <sha1>qnvq5d24rspplnos1d6shud5kpc3m9g</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147561</id>
      <parentid>3147560</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:46:39Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Born Again Virgin Christmas Special */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="4697" xml:space="preserve">===Born Again Virgin Christmas Special===
:'''The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come''' Remember what you have learned this night, Ebenezer Scrooge! Remember...Remember...
:''[Then Scrooge wakes up on Christmas morning]''
:'''Ebenezer Scrooge''': ''[gasps]'' I-It's Christmas morning! Oh, thank God! It's not too late to share what I've learned! ''[opens the window and shouts to the world, which startles the people]'' Ghosts are ''[bleep]''ing real, guys! ''[zips downstairs, out the door, and run towards the people]'' I just got visited by three-three son-of-a-bitching ghosts! Is everyone hearing me?! Some of them show you the past, and they're not bad people, and some of them show you the present, and they're like a friend that's died. But I implore you. Don't get cocky, because there are also future ghosts. And ''[bleep]'' me, I hope you won't miss your balls when they climb up into your body when you see these sons of bitches! Ghosts!! ''[runs off, which confuses the people]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Santa Claus''': [stomach gurgling] Uh-oh. Mowed down one cookie too many. Code brown, people! ''[goes upstairs; farting]'' Oh, phenomenal. ''[goes into the bathroom; farting continues]'' Oh, God. Shh-shh! Shut up. ''[plop]'' Ah, ''[bleep]''ing splashback! Dead-of-winter, east coast, midnight toilet splashback! ''[Bleep]''! It's like crapping into an overturned igloo! Okay. Let's triage this disaster. Aw. Aw! This isn't two-ply! This isn't even a ply! This is a fraction of a ply! Great. A little asshole sandpaper massage should get the rest of my night off to a good start. ''[the boy wakes up, and hears someone coming from the bathroom]'' Good thing my whip has a front seat that's basically a ''[bleep]''ing wooden plank. ''[the boy runs towards the parents bedroom to wake up his dad]'' Hello, next nine hours of my life. ''[toilet handle jiggles as the father grabs the bat]'' Hmm. Can't flush. I'd wake them up. Sorry, kids. One of you is taking the heat for this crime scene tomorrow morning.
:''[As Santa opens the door, the father swings the bat and whacks Santa in the face, knocking him dead, literally. Blood splatters everywhere]''
:'''Dad''': ''[to his son]'' Well, call the cops!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[On Christmas Eve, 1914, most of the soldiers were coughing and crying in pain because of World War I. Captions appears and says &quot;Christmas 1914&quot;, and disappears. We pan over to the sergeant, Private Doyle, and the soldier]''
:'''Soldier 1''': Well, didn't think you'd be spending Christmas throwing yourself against the German line, eh, boys? Did you ask Santa for anything this year, sergeant?
:'''Sergeant''': A pack of smokes would do nicely.
:'''Soldier 2''': I'd settle for a pair of warm socks!
:'''Private Doyle''': I'm asking Santa to bust through that kraut line and save us the trouble.
:'''Soldier 1''': Ha! That's the spirit, Doyle.
:'''Soldier 3''': Guys, you're not going to believe this! We've called a Christmas truce with the Germans! It's a miracle!
:''[All the American and German soldiers are laughing and playing]''
:'''Soldier 1''': I guess we're all human beings, after all.
:'''German Soldier 1''': Ve'll all be telling our children about ze great Christmas miracle truce of-
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[from the distance]'' Ho, ho, ho!
:'''Soldier 1''': What was that?
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[arrives on his sleigh]'' I'm looking for a Private Doyle. I have a very special gift for him.
:'''German Soldier 1''': ''[gasps]'' Zis is Private Doyle, my new holiday friend!
:'''Santa Claus''': Doyle! I brought you that present you asked for! ''[pulls out a Tommy-gun]'' Hiya! Merry Christmas. ''[shoots some of the German soldiers]'' Come on, men! We're busting through this line! ''[shoots some more]'' Do it for Doyle.
:'''German Soldier 2''': Nein!
:'''Santa Claus''': Ho ho ho! ''[a reindeer kills some of the Germans with its hooves]'' Heads up, &quot;Jerry.&quot; ''[throws a grenade into an igloo and explodes. He faces the last German soldier with his pistol]''
:'''German Soldier 1''': ''[crying]'' But ve had ze truce! ''[holding Doyle hostage with his knife]''
:''[Santa tries to shoot the German soldier, but he ran out of ammo]''
:'''Private Doyle''': ;''[relieved]'' Oh, thank God. Look, there was a truce! ''[Santa finally shoots the German soldier dead]'' GOD DAMN IT! STOP!!!! I don't care what I asked for! We made a Christmas truce! It was a triumph of humanity!
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[realizing his mistake]'' Wha-? You're kidding me! Oh, damn. That really sounds like it would have been inspiring. ''[to the rest of an American soldiers]'' Anyway, who had the socks?
:''[Soldier 2 raises his hand, and Santa tosses the pair of socks to him]''</text>
      <sha1>2p2bg6kq11b8w8buwnbrvsurcclgpyx</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147565</id>
      <parentid>3147561</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:47:19Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Born Again Virgin Christmas Special */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="4697" xml:space="preserve">===Born Again Virgin Christmas Special===
:'''The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come''' Remember what you have learned this night, Ebenezer Scrooge! Remember...Remember...
:''[Then Scrooge wakes up on Christmas morning]''
:'''Ebenezer Scrooge''': ''[gasps]'' I-It's Christmas morning! Oh, thank God! It's not too late to share what I've learned! ''[opens the window and shouts to the world, which startles the people]'' Ghosts are ''[bleep]''ing real, guys! ''[zips downstairs, out the door, and run towards the people]'' I just got visited by three-three son-of-a-bitching ghosts! Is everyone hearing me?! Some of them show you the past, and they're not bad people, and some of them show you the present, and they're like a friend that's died. But I implore you. Don't get cocky, because there are also future ghosts. And ''[bleep]'' me, I hope you won't miss your balls when they climb up into your body when you see these sons of bitches! Ghosts!! ''[runs off, which confuses the people]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Santa Claus''': [stomach gurgling] Uh-oh. Mowed down one cookie too many. Code brown, people! ''[goes upstairs; farting]'' Oh, phenomenal. ''[goes into the bathroom; farting continues]'' Oh, God. Shh-shh! Shut up. ''[plop]'' Ah, ''[bleep]''ing splashback! Dead-of-winter, east coast, midnight toilet splashback! ''[Bleep]''! It's like crapping into an overturned igloo! Okay. Let's triage this disaster. Aw. Aw! This isn't two-ply! This isn't even a ply! This is a fraction of a ply! Great. A little asshole sandpaper massage should get the rest of my night off to a good start. ''[the boy wakes up, and hears someone coming from the bathroom]'' Good thing my whip has a front seat that's basically a ''[bleep]''ing wooden plank. ''[the boy runs towards the parents bedroom to wake up his dad]'' Hello, next nine hours of my life. ''[toilet handle jiggles as the father grabs the bat]'' Hmm. Can't flush. I'd wake them up. Sorry, kids. One of you is taking the heat for this crime scene tomorrow morning.
:''[As Santa opens the door, the father swings the bat and whacks Santa in the face, knocking him dead, literally. Blood splatters everywhere]''
:'''Dad''': ''[to his son]'' Well, call the cops!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[On Christmas Eve, 1914, most of the soldiers were coughing and crying in pain because of World War I. Captions appears and says &quot;Christmas 1914&quot;, and disappears. We pan over to the sergeant, Private Doyle, and the soldier]''
:'''Soldier 1''': Well, didn't think you'd be spending Christmas throwing yourself against the German line, eh, boys? Did you ask Santa for anything this year, sergeant?
:'''Sergeant''': A pack of smokes would do nicely.
:'''Soldier 2''': I'd settle for a pair of warm socks!
:'''Private Doyle''': I'm asking Santa to bust through that kraut line and save us the trouble.
:'''Soldier 1''': Ha! That's the spirit, Doyle.
:'''Soldier 3''': Guys, you're not going to believe this! We've called a Christmas truce with the Germans! It's a miracle!
:''[All the American and German soldiers are laughing and playing]''
:'''Soldier 1''': I guess we're all human beings, after all.
:'''German Soldier 1''': Ve'll all be telling our children about ze great Christmas miracle truce of-
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[from the distance]'' Ho, ho, ho!
:'''Soldier 1''': What was that?
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[arrives on his sleigh]'' I'm looking for a Private Doyle. I have a very special gift for him.
:'''German Soldier 1''': ''[gasps]'' Zis is Private Doyle, my new holiday friend!
:'''Santa Claus''': Doyle! I brought you that present you asked for! ''[pulls out a Tommy-gun]'' Hiya! Merry Christmas. ''[shoots some of the German soldiers]'' Come on, men! We're busting through this line! ''[shoots some more]'' Do it for Doyle!
:'''German Soldier 2''': Nein!
:'''Santa Claus''': Ho ho ho! ''[a reindeer kills some of the Germans with its hooves]'' Heads up, &quot;Jerry.&quot; ''[throws a grenade into an igloo and explodes. He faces the last German soldier with his pistol]''
:'''German Soldier 1''': ''[crying]'' But ve had ze truce! ''[holding Doyle hostage with his knife]''
:''[Santa tries to shoot the German soldier, but he ran out of ammo]''
:'''Private Doyle''': ;''[relieved]'' Oh, thank God. Look, there was a truce! ''[Santa finally shoots the German soldier dead]'' GOD DAMN IT! STOP!!!! I don't care what I asked for! We made a Christmas truce! It was a triumph of humanity!
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[realizing his mistake]'' Wha-? You're kidding me! Oh, damn. That really sounds like it would have been inspiring. ''[to the rest of an American soldiers]'' Anyway, who had the socks?
:''[Soldier 2 raises his hand, and Santa tosses the pair of socks to him]''</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147566</id>
      <parentid>3147565</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:47:45Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Born Again Virgin Christmas Special */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="4695" xml:space="preserve">===Born Again Virgin Christmas Special===
:'''The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come''' Remember what you have learned this night, Ebenezer Scrooge! Remember...Remember...
:''[Then Scrooge wakes up on Christmas morning]''
:'''Ebenezer Scrooge''': ''[gasps]'' I-It's Christmas morning! Oh, thank God! It's not too late to share what I've learned! ''[opens the window and shouts to the world, which startles the people]'' Ghosts are ''[bleep]''ing real, guys! ''[zips downstairs, out the door, and run towards the people]'' I just got visited by three-three son-of-a-bitching ghosts! Is everyone hearing me?! Some of them show you the past, and they're not bad people, and some of them show you the present, and they're like a friend that's died. But I implore you. Don't get cocky, because there are also future ghosts. And ''[bleep]'' me, I hope you won't miss your balls when they climb up into your body when you see these sons of bitches! Ghosts!! ''[runs off, which confuses the people]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Santa Claus''': [stomach gurgling] Uh-oh. Mowed down one cookie too many. Code brown, people! ''[goes upstairs; farting]'' Oh, phenomenal. ''[goes into the bathroom; farting continues]'' Oh, God. Shh-shh! Shut up. ''[plop]'' Ah, ''[bleep]''ing splashback! Dead-of-winter, east coast, midnight toilet splashback! ''[Bleep]''! It's like crapping into an overturned igloo! Okay. Let's triage this disaster. Aw. Aw! This isn't two-ply! This isn't even a ply! This is a fraction of a ply! Great. A little asshole sandpaper massage should get the rest of my night off to a good start. ''[the boy wakes up, and hears someone coming from the bathroom]'' Good thing my whip has a front seat that's basically a ''[bleep]''ing wooden plank. ''[the boy runs towards the parents bedroom to wake up his dad]'' Hello, next nine hours of my life. ''[toilet handle jiggles as the father grabs the bat]'' Hmm. Can't flush. I'd wake them up. Sorry, kids. One of you is taking the heat for this crime scene tomorrow morning.
:''[As Santa opens the door, the father swings the bat and whacks Santa in the face, knocking him dead, literally. Blood splatters everywhere]''
:'''Dad''': ''[to his son]'' Well, call the cops!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[On Christmas Eve, 1914, most of the soldiers were coughing and crying in pain because of World War I. Captions appears and says &quot;Christmas 1914&quot;, and disappears. We pan over to the sergeant, Private Doyle, and the soldier]''
:'''Soldier 1''': Well, didn't think you'd be spending Christmas throwing yourself against the German line, eh, boys? Did you ask Santa for anything this year, sergeant?
:'''Sergeant''': A pack of smokes would do nicely.
:'''Soldier 2''': I'd settle for a pair of warm socks!
:'''Private Doyle''': I'm asking Santa to bust through that kraut line and save us the trouble.
:'''Soldier 1''': Ha! That's the spirit, Doyle.
:'''Soldier 3''': Guys, you're not going to believe this! We've called a Christmas truce with the Germans! It's a miracle!
:''[All the American and German soldiers are laughing and playing]''
:'''Soldier 1''': I guess we're all human beings, after all.
:'''German Soldier 1''': Ve'll all be telling our children about ze great Christmas miracle truce of-
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[from the distance]'' Ho, ho, ho!
:'''Soldier 1''': What was that?
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[arrives on his sleigh]'' I'm looking for a Private Doyle. I have a very special gift for him.
:'''German Soldier 1''': ''[gasps]'' Zis is Private Doyle, my new holiday friend!
:'''Santa Claus''': Doyle! I brought you that present you asked for! ''[pulls out a Tommy-gun]'' Hiya! Merry Christmas. ''[shoots some of the German soldiers]'' Come on, men! We're busting through this line! ''[shoots some more]'' Do it for Doyle!
:'''German Soldier 2''': Nein!
:'''Santa Claus''': Ho ho ho! ''[a reindeer kills some of the Germans with its hooves]'' Heads up, Jerry! ''[throws a grenade into an igloo and explodes. He faces the last German soldier with his pistol]''
:'''German Soldier 1''': ''[crying]'' But ve had ze truce! ''[holding Doyle hostage with his knife]''
:''[Santa tries to shoot the German soldier, but he ran out of ammo]''
:'''Private Doyle''': ;''[relieved]'' Oh, thank God. Look, there was a truce! ''[Santa finally shoots the German soldier dead]'' GOD DAMN IT! STOP!!!! I don't care what I asked for! We made a Christmas truce! It was a triumph of humanity!
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[realizing his mistake]'' Wha-? You're kidding me! Oh, damn. That really sounds like it would have been inspiring. ''[to the rest of an American soldiers]'' Anyway, who had the socks?
:''[Soldier 2 raises his hand, and Santa tosses the pair of socks to him]''</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147567</id>
      <parentid>3147566</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:48:31Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Born Again Virgin Christmas Special */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="4653" xml:space="preserve">===Born Again Virgin Christmas Special===
:'''The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come''' Remember what you have learned this night, Ebenezer Scrooge! Remember...Remember...
:''[Then Scrooge wakes up on Christmas morning]''
:'''Ebenezer Scrooge''': ''[gasps]'' I-It's Christmas morning! Oh, thank God! It's not too late to share what I've learned! ''[opens the window and shouts to the world, which startles the people]'' Ghosts are ''[bleep]''ing real, guys! ''[zips downstairs, out the door, and run towards the people]'' I just got visited by three-three son-of-a-bitching ghosts! Is everyone hearing me?! Some of them show you the past, and they're not bad people, and some of them show you the present, and they're like a friend that's died. But I implore you. Don't get cocky, because there are also future ghosts. And ''[bleep]'' me, I hope you won't miss your balls when they climb up into your body when you see these sons of bitches! Ghosts!! ''[runs off, which confuses the people]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Santa Claus''': [stomach gurgling] Uh-oh. Mowed down one cookie too many. Code brown, people! ''[goes upstairs; farting]'' Oh, phenomenal. ''[goes into the bathroom; farting continues]'' Oh, God. Shh-shh! Shut up. ''[plop]'' Ah, ''[bleep]''ing splashback! Dead-of-winter, east coast, midnight toilet splashback! ''[Bleep]''! It's like crapping into an overturned igloo! Okay. Let's triage this disaster. Aw. Aw! This isn't two-ply! This isn't even a ply! This is a fraction of a ply! Great. A little asshole sandpaper massage should get the rest of my night off to a good start. ''[the boy wakes up, and hears someone coming from the bathroom]'' Good thing my whip has a front seat that's basically a ''[bleep]''ing wooden plank. ''[the boy runs towards the parents bedroom to wake up his dad]'' Hello, next nine hours of my life. ''[toilet handle jiggles as the father grabs the bat]'' Hmm. Can't flush. I'd wake them up. Sorry, kids. One of you is taking the heat for this crime scene tomorrow morning.
:''[As Santa opens the door, the father swings the bat and whacks Santa in the face, knocking him dead, literally. Blood splatters everywhere]''
:'''Dad''': ''[to his son]'' Well, call the cops!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[On Christmas Eve, 1914, most of the soldiers were coughing and crying in pain because of World War I. Captions appears and says &quot;Christmas 1914&quot;, and disappears. We pan over to the sergeant, Private Doyle, and the soldier]''
:'''Soldier 1''': Well, didn't think you'd be spending Christmas throwing yourself against the German line, eh, boys? Did you ask Santa for anything this year, sergeant?
:'''Sergeant''': A pack of smokes would do nicely.
:'''Soldier 2''': I'd settle for a pair of warm socks!
:'''Private Doyle''': I'm asking Santa to bust through that kraut line and save us the trouble.
:'''Soldier 1''': Ha! That's the spirit, Doyle.
:'''Soldier 3''': Guys, you're not going to believe this! We've called a Christmas truce with the Germans! It's a miracle!
:''[All the American and German soldiers are laughing and playing]''
:'''Soldier 1''': I guess we're all human beings, after all.
:'''German Soldier 1''': Ve'll all be telling our children about ze great Christmas miracle truce of-
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[from the distance]'' Ho, ho, ho!
:'''Soldier 1''': What was that?
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[arrives on his sleigh]'' I'm looking for a Private Doyle. I have a very special gift for him.
:'''German Soldier 1''': ''[gasps]'' Zis is Private Doyle, my new holiday friend!
:'''Santa Claus''': Doyle! I brought you that present you asked for! ''[pulls out a Tommy-gun]'' Hiya! Merry Christmas. ''[shoots some of the German soldiers]'' Come on, men! We're busting through this line! ''[shoots some more]'' Do it for Doyle!
:'''German Soldier 2''': Nein!
:'''Santa Claus''': Ho ho ho! ''[a reindeer kills some of the Germans with its hooves]'' Heads up, Jerry! ''[throws a grenade into an igloo and explodes. He faces the last German soldier with his pistol]''
:'''German Soldier 1''': ''[crying]'' But ve had ze truce! ''[holding Doyle hostage with his knife]''
:''[Santa tries to shoot the German soldier, but he ran out of ammo]''
:'''Private Doyle''': ;''[relieved]'' Oh, thank God. Look, there was a truce! ''[Santa finally shoots the German soldier dead]'' GOD DAMN IT! STOP!!!! I don't care what I asked for! We made a Christmas truce! It was a triumph of humanity!
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[realizing his mistake]'' Wha-? You're kidding me! Oh, damn. That really sounds like it would have been inspiring. Anyway, who had the socks?
:''[Soldier 2 raises his hand, and Santa tosses the pair of socks to him]''</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Refilwe Modiselle</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>249668</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147530</id>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:20:22Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Vanessa Proctor</username>
        <id>3126920</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Created page with &quot;Refilwe Modiselle was born 2 January 1986. She is a South African model who raises awareness on albinism.  She is the country's first professional fashion model with albinism who is recognized internationally. Her journey with modelling began at the age of 13 with Y! magazine. She has been on the runway for influential fashion dessigners such as David Tlale in 2005.   == Quotes ==  * “I’ve become far more than Africa’s first successful model with albinism through m...&quot;</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1737" xml:space="preserve">Refilwe Modiselle was born 2 January 1986. She is a South African model who raises awareness on albinism.  She is the country's first professional fashion model with albinism who is recognized internationally. Her journey with modelling began at the age of 13 with Y! magazine. She has been on the runway for influential fashion dessigners such as David Tlale in 2005. 

== Quotes ==

* “I’ve become far more than Africa’s first successful model with albinism through my journey… one is doing some incredible things .There’s a lot of growth &amp; accomplishments that came from how it all began,’’ 
* I love that I can share my journey &amp; educate worldwide baby, not when people feel they want to call me only for a specific day…. But they can actually see the value in what I can impart anytime 24/7/365,”
* “I’m Africa’s first successful model with albinism, meaning I’m the first model in the continent to have successfully worked well within the modelling industry,”
* [https://www.iol.co.za/lifestyle/style-beauty/beauty/refilwe-modiselle-continues-to-shine-the-spotlight-on-albinism-during-uk-tv-interview-6758d7b1-960b-4159-ad0b-5c66a7225799 Refilwe Modiselle continues to shine the spotlight on albinism during UK TV interview]  (July 5  2022) by Kedibone Modise retrieved 26 July 2022

== External References ==

* [https://www.iol.co.za/lifestyle/style-beauty/beauty/refilwe-modiselle-continues-to-shine-the-spotlight-on-albinism-during-uk-tv-interview-6758d7b1-960b-4159-ad0b-5c66a7225799 Refilwe Modiselle continues to shine the spotlight on albinism during UK TV interview]  (July 5  2022) by Kedibone Modise


[[Category:1986 deaths]]
[[Category:Models]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Women]]</text>
      <sha1>jbj27v180p15s9csox7l6uomcb8k01f</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147627</id>
      <parentid>3147530</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T18:37:58Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Rubbish computer</username>
        <id>1947194</id>
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      <minor />
      <comment>removed [[Category:1986 deaths]]; added [[Category:1986 births]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]]</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1737" xml:space="preserve">Refilwe Modiselle was born 2 January 1986. She is a South African model who raises awareness on albinism.  She is the country's first professional fashion model with albinism who is recognized internationally. Her journey with modelling began at the age of 13 with Y! magazine. She has been on the runway for influential fashion dessigners such as David Tlale in 2005. 

== Quotes ==

* “I’ve become far more than Africa’s first successful model with albinism through my journey… one is doing some incredible things .There’s a lot of growth &amp; accomplishments that came from how it all began,’’ 
* I love that I can share my journey &amp; educate worldwide baby, not when people feel they want to call me only for a specific day…. But they can actually see the value in what I can impart anytime 24/7/365,”
* “I’m Africa’s first successful model with albinism, meaning I’m the first model in the continent to have successfully worked well within the modelling industry,”
* [https://www.iol.co.za/lifestyle/style-beauty/beauty/refilwe-modiselle-continues-to-shine-the-spotlight-on-albinism-during-uk-tv-interview-6758d7b1-960b-4159-ad0b-5c66a7225799 Refilwe Modiselle continues to shine the spotlight on albinism during UK TV interview]  (July 5  2022) by Kedibone Modise retrieved 26 July 2022

== External References ==

* [https://www.iol.co.za/lifestyle/style-beauty/beauty/refilwe-modiselle-continues-to-shine-the-spotlight-on-albinism-during-uk-tv-interview-6758d7b1-960b-4159-ad0b-5c66a7225799 Refilwe Modiselle continues to shine the spotlight on albinism during UK TV interview]  (July 5  2022) by Kedibone Modise


[[Category:1986 births]]
[[Category:Models]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Women]]</text>
      <sha1>4uhch1a1puh19njb35pnkej94btk76p</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Robot Chicken (season 7)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>249669</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147571</id>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:54:50Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Created page with &quot;===1 ===2 ===3 ===4 ===5 ===6 ===7 ===8 ===9 ===10 ===11 ===12 ===13 ===14 ===15 ===16 ===17 ===18 ===19 ===20&quot;</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
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      <text bytes="110" xml:space="preserve">===1
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147574</id>
      <parentid>3147571</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T17:57:59Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="130" xml:space="preserve">===G.I. Jogurt [7.01]===
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      <sha1>bl0eqp1z6g1yqjchycgi5utobiroslz</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147586</id>
      <parentid>3147574</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T18:07:45Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* G.I. Jogurt [7.01] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="763" xml:space="preserve">===G.I. Jogurt [7.01]===
===Link's Sausages [7.02]===
===Secret of the Booze [7.03]===
===Rebel Appliance [7.04]===
===Legion of Super-Gyros [7.05]===
===El Skeletorio [7.06]===
===Snarfer Image [7.07]===
===Up, Up, and Buffet [7.08]===
===Panthropologie [7.09]===
===Catdog on a Stick [7.10]===
===Super Guitaro Center [7.11]===
===Noidstrom Rack [7.12]===
===Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13]===
===Walking Dead Lobster [7.14]===
===Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15]===
===Bitch Pudding Special [7.16]===
===Batman Forever 21 [7.17]===
===The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's [7.18]===
===Chipotle Miserables [7.19]===
===The Robot Chicken Lots of Holidays But Don't Worry Christmas is Still In There Too so Pull the Stick Out of Your Ass Fox News Special [7.20]===</text>
      <sha1>7hwdhcf2mbachzp2xuwv3ungqifm815</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3147615</id>
      <parentid>3147586</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T18:22:16Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* G.I. Jogurt [7.01] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="5023" xml:space="preserve">===G.I. Jogurt [7.01]===
:''[At the Emmy Awards, a G.I. Joe PSA of Roadblock talking to two children is shown on the big screen]''
:'''Roadblock''': I don't know why a 7-year-old would need to deep fry a turkey, but know you know how.
:'''Children''': And knowing is half the battle.
:''[The PSA ends with the &quot;G.I. Joe&quot; jingle]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Be a Turkey on Thanksgiving&quot;.
:''[The G.I. Joes clap, and Duke kisses Scarlett before he heads up with Roadblock to collect their award, while COBRA Commander and Destro watch on from the cheap seats]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': Look at them, Destro. The Joes churn out pedestrian advice to dead-eyed children, and the public eats it up! ''[mocking the Joes]'' &quot;Hey, kids, don't play with fallen electrical lines.&quot; ''[normal voice]'' Reads like a dispatch from the no-shit clinic.
:'''Destro''': I'll get the nerve gas.
:'''COBRA Commander''': No, you fool. We'll beat them at their own game. ''[clenching his fist]'' We'll create our own PSAs!
:''[Cut to COBRA Commander, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, and the Crimson Twins in the briefing room at COBRA Headquarters]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': OK, OK, let's just throw some ideas out there. This is a safe creative place. Dr. Mindbender, go.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Well, I thought our PSA could communicate an idea non-verbally. I've discovered that painting directly on celluloid creates a sort of &quot;tone poem&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Holy ''[bleep]'', that's sounds terrible. I'm sorry, safe place, but holy shit, that was fucking dumb. Next!
:'''Baroness''': ''[enters the room]'' Oh, I forgot you guys were in here writing. I was just looking for a hammer to hang my degree in screenwriting from Aberdeen. Anything I can do for you while I'm in here? ''[looks at him]'' Destro?
:'''Destro''': She's actually really funny, you guys.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Hey, you lost me at &quot;She's&quot;. ''[Bleep'' it! We're doing it without a script.
:''[Cut to the set of COBRA's PSAs, as Destro supervises, Storm Shadow is having his makeup done by one COBRA soldier, and two more soldiers move a camera. Dr. Mindbender enters the set with a group of children]''
:'''Destro''': Dr. Mindbender, you found four young children for our PSAs.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Uh, yes. ''[puts his arms around the children]'' That is what these kidnapped children are for.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[talking to Storm Shadow, who is reading his lines]'' OK, Storm Shadow, these two children will be running with scissors. Now, this upsets you, and you...
:'''Storm Shadow''': Why?
:'''COBRA Commander''': It's dangerous to run with scissors.
:'''Storm Shadow''': I run with Katana. Is that not dangerous?
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow, I hadn't thought of that. Excellent point, Storm Shadow. ''[whispers to Tomax]'' Get this piece of ''[bleep]'' off my set!
:''[One of the children runs past, giggling while running with scissors, but ends up getting killed by Storm Shadow]''
:'''Storm Shadow''': Well, COBRA Commander, it looks like I owe you an apology.
:''[First COBRA PSA: Serpentor telling children about using supplies only at the post office]''
:'''Serpentor''': So, remember, only take supplies if you'll use them for post office business. Any other use is a felony.
:'''Boy''': Now I'm aware.
:'''Serpentor''': ''[putting his arms around the children and smiling]'' And awareness is the second 50% of the conflict in question. ''[beat]'' Somebody say ''[bleep]''ing &quot;Cut&quot;!
:''[Second COBRA PSA: COBRA Commander tells children about the joys of reading]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': And I think you'll find it's not hard to read when you take the time to sssssssssound it out. ''[both children giggle]'' Oh, yesss, I've got a sssmall ssspeech impediment. ''[both children laugh; irritated]'' It'sss not funny! ''[removes his mask, as the children scream and run away, only for the Commander to shoot them dead]'' Shut. It. Down.
:''[At the next Emmy Awards...]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Star in a COBRA PSA&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[shaking his fist]'' What?!
:'''Destro''': ''[shouting over to the troops]'' Pump the nerve gas!

===Link's Sausages [7.02]===
===Secret of the Booze [7.03]===
===Rebel Appliance [7.04]===
===Legion of Super-Gyros [7.05]===
===El Skeletorio [7.06]===
===Snarfer Image [7.07]===
===Up, Up, and Buffet [7.08]===
===Panthropologie [7.09]===
===Catdog on a Stick [7.10]===
===Super Guitaro Center [7.11]===
===Noidstrom Rack [7.12]===
===Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13]===
===Walking Dead Lobster [7.14]===
===Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15]===
===Bitch Pudding Special [7.16]===
===Batman Forever 21 [7.17]===
===The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's [7.18]===
===Chipotle Miserables [7.19]===
===The Robot Chicken Lots of Holidays But Don't Worry Christmas is Still In There Too so Pull the Stick Out of Your Ass Fox News Special [7.20]===</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3147620</id>
      <parentid>3147615</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T18:32:04Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Link's Sausages [7.02] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="6403" xml:space="preserve">===G.I. Jogurt [7.01]===
:''[At the Emmy Awards, a G.I. Joe PSA of Roadblock talking to two children is shown on the big screen]''
:'''Roadblock''': I don't know why a 7-year-old would need to deep fry a turkey, but know you know how.
:'''Children''': And knowing is half the battle.
:''[The PSA ends with the &quot;G.I. Joe&quot; jingle]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Be a Turkey on Thanksgiving&quot;.
:''[The G.I. Joes clap, and Duke kisses Scarlett before he heads up with Roadblock to collect their award, while COBRA Commander and Destro watch on from the cheap seats]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': Look at them, Destro. The Joes churn out pedestrian advice to dead-eyed children, and the public eats it up! ''[mocking the Joes]'' &quot;Hey, kids, don't play with fallen electrical lines.&quot; ''[normal voice]'' Reads like a dispatch from the no-shit clinic.
:'''Destro''': I'll get the nerve gas.
:'''COBRA Commander''': No, you fool. We'll beat them at their own game. ''[clenching his fist]'' We'll create our own PSAs!
:''[Cut to COBRA Commander, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, and the Crimson Twins in the briefing room at COBRA Headquarters]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': OK, OK, let's just throw some ideas out there. This is a safe creative place. Dr. Mindbender, go.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Well, I thought our PSA could communicate an idea non-verbally. I've discovered that painting directly on celluloid creates a sort of &quot;tone poem&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Holy ''[bleep]'', that's sounds terrible. I'm sorry, safe place, but holy shit, that was fucking dumb. Next!
:'''Baroness''': ''[enters the room]'' Oh, I forgot you guys were in here writing. I was just looking for a hammer to hang my degree in screenwriting from Aberdeen. Anything I can do for you while I'm in here? ''[looks at him]'' Destro?
:'''Destro''': She's actually really funny, you guys.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Hey, you lost me at &quot;She's&quot;. ''[Bleep'' it! We're doing it without a script.
:''[Cut to the set of COBRA's PSAs, as Destro supervises, Storm Shadow is having his makeup done by one COBRA soldier, and two more soldiers move a camera. Dr. Mindbender enters the set with a group of children]''
:'''Destro''': Dr. Mindbender, you found four young children for our PSAs.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Uh, yes. ''[puts his arms around the children]'' That is what these kidnapped children are for.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[talking to Storm Shadow, who is reading his lines]'' OK, Storm Shadow, these two children will be running with scissors. Now, this upsets you, and you...
:'''Storm Shadow''': Why?
:'''COBRA Commander''': It's dangerous to run with scissors.
:'''Storm Shadow''': I run with Katana. Is that not dangerous?
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow, I hadn't thought of that. Excellent point, Storm Shadow. ''[whispers to Tomax]'' Get this piece of ''[bleep]'' off my set!
:''[One of the children runs past, giggling while running with scissors, but ends up getting killed by Storm Shadow]''
:'''Storm Shadow''': Well, COBRA Commander, it looks like I owe you an apology.
:''[First COBRA PSA: Serpentor telling children about using supplies only at the post office]''
:'''Serpentor''': So, remember, only take supplies if you'll use them for post office business. Any other use is a felony.
:'''Boy''': Now I'm aware.
:'''Serpentor''': ''[putting his arms around the children and smiling]'' And awareness is the second 50% of the conflict in question. ''[beat]'' Somebody say ''[bleep]''ing &quot;Cut&quot;!
:''[Second COBRA PSA: COBRA Commander tells children about the joys of reading]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': And I think you'll find it's not hard to read when you take the time to sssssssssound it out. ''[both children giggle]'' Oh, yesss, I've got a sssmall ssspeech impediment. ''[both children laugh; irritated]'' It'sss not funny! ''[removes his mask, as the children scream and run away, only for the Commander to shoot them dead]'' Shut. It. Down.
:''[At the next Emmy Awards...]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Star in a COBRA PSA&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[shaking his fist]'' What?!
:'''Destro''': ''[shouting over to the troops]'' Pump the nerve gas!

===Link's Sausages [7.02]===
:''[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are standing in the street]''
:'''Tommy Pickles''': ''[holding his Reptar doll]'' Well, after crossing the freeway, base jumping off a cliff, and dodging bullets in a gang war, we finally found my Reptar doll.
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enters the street, finding the babies]'' Tommy! What are you doing in the street?!
:''[Cut to the Pickles' house]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, thank God! They've been lost for hours! Where were they?
:'''Didi Pickles''': Stu, a word?  ''[they walk into the kitchen, their voices get muffled as they talk with the door shut]'' What the ''[bleep]'', Stu?!
:'''Stu Pickles''': Well, I'm sorry. The babies escaped, and I-
:'''Didi Pickles''': Escaped?! They're babies, you sackless moron!
:'''Stu Pickles''': I was downstairs, working on a new toy, and they just-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, a new toy! Never mind, then!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[tearing up]'' Didi, if you keep ridiculing my work, I-I swear to god-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enraged]'' What?! You'll hit me?! Ooh, you're such a man!
:''[Thudding and crashing are heard as Didi violently beats Stu offscreen]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': Didi, stop!
:'''Didi Pickles''': I'll be the man! See, Stu?! I'm the man!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[sobbing]'' I want a divorce!
:''[The babies look devastated as the screen cut to static]''

===Secret of the Booze [7.03]===
===Rebel Appliance [7.04]===
===Legion of Super-Gyros [7.05]===
===El Skeletorio [7.06]===
===Snarfer Image [7.07]===
===Up, Up, and Buffet [7.08]===
===Panthropologie [7.09]===
===Catdog on a Stick [7.10]===
===Super Guitaro Center [7.11]===
===Noidstrom Rack [7.12]===
===Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13]===
===Walking Dead Lobster [7.14]===
===Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15]===
===Bitch Pudding Special [7.16]===
===Batman Forever 21 [7.17]===
===The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's [7.18]===
===Chipotle Miserables [7.19]===
===The Robot Chicken Lots of Holidays But Don't Worry Christmas is Still In There Too so Pull the Stick Out of Your Ass Fox News Special [7.20]===</text>
      <sha1>h94h0lqjp7isuv8wxpynvkintgifxxr</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147622</id>
      <parentid>3147620</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T18:32:38Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Link's Sausages [7.02] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="6403" xml:space="preserve">===G.I. Jogurt [7.01]===
:''[At the Emmy Awards, a G.I. Joe PSA of Roadblock talking to two children is shown on the big screen]''
:'''Roadblock''': I don't know why a 7-year-old would need to deep fry a turkey, but know you know how.
:'''Children''': And knowing is half the battle.
:''[The PSA ends with the &quot;G.I. Joe&quot; jingle]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Be a Turkey on Thanksgiving&quot;.
:''[The G.I. Joes clap, and Duke kisses Scarlett before he heads up with Roadblock to collect their award, while COBRA Commander and Destro watch on from the cheap seats]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': Look at them, Destro. The Joes churn out pedestrian advice to dead-eyed children, and the public eats it up! ''[mocking the Joes]'' &quot;Hey, kids, don't play with fallen electrical lines.&quot; ''[normal voice]'' Reads like a dispatch from the no-shit clinic.
:'''Destro''': I'll get the nerve gas.
:'''COBRA Commander''': No, you fool. We'll beat them at their own game. ''[clenching his fist]'' We'll create our own PSAs!
:''[Cut to COBRA Commander, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, and the Crimson Twins in the briefing room at COBRA Headquarters]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': OK, OK, let's just throw some ideas out there. This is a safe creative place. Dr. Mindbender, go.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Well, I thought our PSA could communicate an idea non-verbally. I've discovered that painting directly on celluloid creates a sort of &quot;tone poem&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Holy ''[bleep]'', that's sounds terrible. I'm sorry, safe place, but holy shit, that was fucking dumb. Next!
:'''Baroness''': ''[enters the room]'' Oh, I forgot you guys were in here writing. I was just looking for a hammer to hang my degree in screenwriting from Aberdeen. Anything I can do for you while I'm in here? ''[looks at him]'' Destro?
:'''Destro''': She's actually really funny, you guys.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Hey, you lost me at &quot;She's&quot;. ''[Bleep'' it! We're doing it without a script.
:''[Cut to the set of COBRA's PSAs, as Destro supervises, Storm Shadow is having his makeup done by one COBRA soldier, and two more soldiers move a camera. Dr. Mindbender enters the set with a group of children]''
:'''Destro''': Dr. Mindbender, you found four young children for our PSAs.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Uh, yes. ''[puts his arms around the children]'' That is what these kidnapped children are for.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[talking to Storm Shadow, who is reading his lines]'' OK, Storm Shadow, these two children will be running with scissors. Now, this upsets you, and you...
:'''Storm Shadow''': Why?
:'''COBRA Commander''': It's dangerous to run with scissors.
:'''Storm Shadow''': I run with Katana. Is that not dangerous?
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow, I hadn't thought of that. Excellent point, Storm Shadow. ''[whispers to Tomax]'' Get this piece of ''[bleep]'' off my set!
:''[One of the children runs past, giggling while running with scissors, but ends up getting killed by Storm Shadow]''
:'''Storm Shadow''': Well, COBRA Commander, it looks like I owe you an apology.
:''[First COBRA PSA: Serpentor telling children about using supplies only at the post office]''
:'''Serpentor''': So, remember, only take supplies if you'll use them for post office business. Any other use is a felony.
:'''Boy''': Now I'm aware.
:'''Serpentor''': ''[putting his arms around the children and smiling]'' And awareness is the second 50% of the conflict in question. ''[beat]'' Somebody say ''[bleep]''ing &quot;Cut&quot;!
:''[Second COBRA PSA: COBRA Commander tells children about the joys of reading]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': And I think you'll find it's not hard to read when you take the time to sssssssssound it out. ''[both children giggle]'' Oh, yesss, I've got a sssmall ssspeech impediment. ''[both children laugh; irritated]'' It'sss not funny! ''[removes his mask, as the children scream and run away, only for the Commander to shoot them dead]'' Shut. It. Down.
:''[At the next Emmy Awards...]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Star in a COBRA PSA&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[shaking his fist]'' What?!
:'''Destro''': ''[shouting over to the troops]'' Pump the nerve gas!

===Link's Sausages [7.02]===
:''[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are standing in the street]''
:'''Tommy Pickles''': ''[holding his Reptar doll]'' Well, after crossing the freeway, base jumping off a cliff, and dodging bullets in a gang war, we finally found my Reptar doll.
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enters the street, finding the babies]'' Tommy! What are you doing in the street?!
:''[Cut to the Pickles' house]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, thank God! They've been lost for hours! Where were they?
:'''Didi Pickles''': Stu, a word?  ''[they walk into the kitchen, their voices get muffled as they talk with the door shut]'' What the ''[bleep]'', Stu?!
:'''Stu Pickles''': Well, I'm sorry. The babies escaped, and I-
:'''Didi Pickles''': Escaped?! They're babies, you sackless moron!
:'''Stu Pickles''': I was downstairs, working on a new toy, and they just-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, a new toy! Never mind, then!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[tearing up]'' Didi, if you keep ridiculing my work, I-I swear to God-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enraged]'' What?! You'll hit me?! Ooh, you're such a man!
:''[Thudding and crashing are heard as Didi violently beats Stu offscreen]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': Didi, stop!
:'''Didi Pickles''': I'll be the man! See, Stu?! I'm the man!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[sobbing]'' I want a divorce!
:''[The babies look devastated as the screen cut to static]''

===Secret of the Booze [7.03]===
===Rebel Appliance [7.04]===
===Legion of Super-Gyros [7.05]===
===El Skeletorio [7.06]===
===Snarfer Image [7.07]===
===Up, Up, and Buffet [7.08]===
===Panthropologie [7.09]===
===Catdog on a Stick [7.10]===
===Super Guitaro Center [7.11]===
===Noidstrom Rack [7.12]===
===Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13]===
===Walking Dead Lobster [7.14]===
===Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15]===
===Bitch Pudding Special [7.16]===
===Batman Forever 21 [7.17]===
===The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's [7.18]===
===Chipotle Miserables [7.19]===
===The Robot Chicken Lots of Holidays But Don't Worry Christmas is Still In There Too so Pull the Stick Out of Your Ass Fox News Special [7.20]===</text>
      <sha1>5d1q1hpnojawzxlh13zn1tryppx9jew</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147646</id>
      <parentid>3147622</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T18:54:04Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Secret of the Booze [7.03] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="9625" xml:space="preserve">===G.I. Jogurt [7.01]===
:''[At the Emmy Awards, a G.I. Joe PSA of Roadblock talking to two children is shown on the big screen]''
:'''Roadblock''': I don't know why a 7-year-old would need to deep fry a turkey, but know you know how.
:'''Children''': And knowing is half the battle.
:''[The PSA ends with the &quot;G.I. Joe&quot; jingle]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Be a Turkey on Thanksgiving&quot;.
:''[The G.I. Joes clap, and Duke kisses Scarlett before he heads up with Roadblock to collect their award, while COBRA Commander and Destro watch on from the cheap seats]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': Look at them, Destro. The Joes churn out pedestrian advice to dead-eyed children, and the public eats it up! ''[mocking the Joes]'' &quot;Hey, kids, don't play with fallen electrical lines.&quot; ''[normal voice]'' Reads like a dispatch from the no-shit clinic.
:'''Destro''': I'll get the nerve gas.
:'''COBRA Commander''': No, you fool. We'll beat them at their own game. ''[clenching his fist]'' We'll create our own PSAs!
:''[Cut to COBRA Commander, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, and the Crimson Twins in the briefing room at COBRA Headquarters]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': OK, OK, let's just throw some ideas out there. This is a safe creative place. Dr. Mindbender, go.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Well, I thought our PSA could communicate an idea non-verbally. I've discovered that painting directly on celluloid creates a sort of &quot;tone poem&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Holy ''[bleep]'', that's sounds terrible. I'm sorry, safe place, but holy shit, that was fucking dumb. Next!
:'''Baroness''': ''[enters the room]'' Oh, I forgot you guys were in here writing. I was just looking for a hammer to hang my degree in screenwriting from Aberdeen. Anything I can do for you while I'm in here? ''[looks at him]'' Destro?
:'''Destro''': She's actually really funny, you guys.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Hey, you lost me at &quot;She's&quot;. ''[Bleep'' it! We're doing it without a script.
:''[Cut to the set of COBRA's PSAs, as Destro supervises, Storm Shadow is having his makeup done by one COBRA soldier, and two more soldiers move a camera. Dr. Mindbender enters the set with a group of children]''
:'''Destro''': Dr. Mindbender, you found four young children for our PSAs.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Uh, yes. ''[puts his arms around the children]'' That is what these kidnapped children are for.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[talking to Storm Shadow, who is reading his lines]'' OK, Storm Shadow, these two children will be running with scissors. Now, this upsets you, and you...
:'''Storm Shadow''': Why?
:'''COBRA Commander''': It's dangerous to run with scissors.
:'''Storm Shadow''': I run with Katana. Is that not dangerous?
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow, I hadn't thought of that. Excellent point, Storm Shadow. ''[whispers to Tomax]'' Get this piece of ''[bleep]'' off my set!
:''[One of the children runs past, giggling while running with scissors, but ends up getting killed by Storm Shadow]''
:'''Storm Shadow''': Well, COBRA Commander, it looks like I owe you an apology.
:''[First COBRA PSA: Serpentor telling children about using supplies only at the post office]''
:'''Serpentor''': So, remember, only take supplies if you'll use them for post office business. Any other use is a felony.
:'''Boy''': Now I'm aware.
:'''Serpentor''': ''[putting his arms around the children and smiling]'' And awareness is the second 50% of the conflict in question. ''[beat]'' Somebody say ''[bleep]''ing &quot;Cut&quot;!
:''[Second COBRA PSA: COBRA Commander tells children about the joys of reading]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': And I think you'll find it's not hard to read when you take the time to sssssssssound it out. ''[both children giggle]'' Oh, yesss, I've got a sssmall ssspeech impediment. ''[both children laugh; irritated]'' It'sss not funny! ''[removes his mask, as the children scream and run away, only for the Commander to shoot them dead]'' Shut. It. Down.
:''[At the next Emmy Awards...]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Star in a COBRA PSA&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[shaking his fist]'' What?!
:'''Destro''': ''[shouting over to the troops]'' Pump the nerve gas!

===Link's Sausages [7.02]===
:''[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are standing in the street]''
:'''Tommy Pickles''': ''[holding his Reptar doll]'' Well, after crossing the freeway, base jumping off a cliff, and dodging bullets in a gang war, we finally found my Reptar doll.
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enters the street, finding the babies]'' Tommy! What are you doing in the street?!
:''[Cut to the Pickles' house]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, thank God! They've been lost for hours! Where were they?
:'''Didi Pickles''': Stu, a word?  ''[they walk into the kitchen, their voices get muffled as they talk with the door shut]'' What the ''[bleep]'', Stu?!
:'''Stu Pickles''': Well, I'm sorry. The babies escaped, and I-
:'''Didi Pickles''': Escaped?! They're babies, you sackless moron!
:'''Stu Pickles''': I was downstairs, working on a new toy, and they just-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, a new toy! Never mind, then!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[tearing up]'' Didi, if you keep ridiculing my work, I-I swear to God-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enraged]'' What?! You'll hit me?! Ooh, you're such a man!
:''[Thudding and crashing are heard as Didi violently beats Stu offscreen]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': Didi, stop!
:'''Didi Pickles''': I'll be the man! See, Stu?! I'm the man!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[sobbing]'' I want a divorce!
:''[The babies look devastated as the screen cut to static]''

===Secret of the Booze [7.03]===
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf shaving his beard in his house]''
:''Papa Smurf: I don't usually get involved in day-to-day operations, so I'm smurfing undercover. They'll never smurf it's me. ''[chuckles; takes off his pants]'' Ohh, I haven't smurfed these things off in nearly 300 years! Talk about crotch rot!
:''[Title Card: Undercover Smurf Boss]''
:'''Farmer Smurf''': So, you're my new intern, huh?
:'''Papa Smurf''': That's right, Farmer Smurf. Teach me to care about your sad, little life...I mean your noble and fulfilling, uh, career choice.
Farmer Smurf: Well, Smurfs are a thirsty bunch, so we got to smurf them fresh milk every day!
:''[A giant caterpillar slithers in and turns onto its side, revealing its udders]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[being filmed]'' We've been drinking CATERPILLAR MILK?! ''[milks the giant caterpillar, his hands getting sore]'' Oh, this is agony. It feels like my hands are gonna smurf off!
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Yep, my carpal tunnel got so bad, they had to fuse my wrist bones in place!
:'''Papa Smurf''': But our healthcare is smurfy, right?
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Eh, my deductible is 2,000 smurfberries.
:'''Papa Smurf''': WHAT?! ''[cash register dings]''
:''[Title Card: 1 Smurfberry = 1.78 USD]''
:''[Scene cuts to the Smurf Hospital. Doctor Smurf packs his medical bag]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': Doctor Smurf, why are deductibles so high?
:'''Doctor Smurf''': Boy, you smurf a lot of uppity questions for an intern. Uh, just treat the next patient while I go for a Jamba Juice run in my gold-plated helicopter.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Actually, I'm not really qualified.
:''[Outside the window, Doctor Smurf takes off in his gold-plated helicopter. Door opens, Smurfette and Handy Smurf enter the room]''
:'''Smurfette''': We need Doctor Smurf! Handy had an accident!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Did someone get a sliver? ''[Handy shows his bleeding hand, missing all of his fingers]'' OH MY SMURFING GOD!!!
:'''Handy Smurf''': I sawed right through a load-bearing mushroom! Half our building materials are fungus! Oh, trade school didn't prepare me for this!
:'''Smurfette''': You can smurf his fingers, right, nurse?
:'''Papa Smurf''': I'll certainly try. ''[being filmed]'' I certainly tried.
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf sewing Handy's fingers while Handy lies dead on the table]''
:'''Smurfette''': ''[crying]'' You can probably stop sewing.
:'''Papa Smurf''': No, no, no. I-I'm gonna get this. ''[walks up to Grouchy Smurf]'' So, Grouchy Smurf, how's the coffee today?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate coffee!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh! Okay. But how do you like working here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate working here.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh, goodness. Okay. Well, is there anything that maybe Papa Smurf could do?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate Papa Smurf!
:'''Papa Smurf''': All right, what exactly do you do around here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I-I hate stuff?
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[puts on his red hat]'' I'm being deadly serious.
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I...I... ''[cuts to him, shoveling dog poop outside]'' I hate shoveling dog ''[bleep]''.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Well, now that's actually an appropriate reaction. Carry on, dog-''[bleep]'' Smurf! ''[leaves]''
:''[More dog poop falls from above, next to Grouchy]''

===Rebel Appliance [7.04]===
===Legion of Super-Gyros [7.05]===
===El Skeletorio [7.06]===
===Snarfer Image [7.07]===
===Up, Up, and Buffet [7.08]===
===Panthropologie [7.09]===
===Catdog on a Stick [7.10]===
===Super Guitaro Center [7.11]===
===Noidstrom Rack [7.12]===
===Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13]===
===Walking Dead Lobster [7.14]===
===Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15]===
===Bitch Pudding Special [7.16]===
===Batman Forever 21 [7.17]===
===The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's [7.18]===
===Chipotle Miserables [7.19]===
===The Robot Chicken Lots of Holidays But Don't Worry Christmas is Still In There Too so Pull the Stick Out of Your Ass Fox News Special [7.20]===</text>
      <sha1>gwypkh7iuhdozf7c5m2729o6jotnqhi</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147647</id>
      <parentid>3147646</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T18:54:30Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Secret of the Booze [7.03] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="9632" xml:space="preserve">===G.I. Jogurt [7.01]===
:''[At the Emmy Awards, a G.I. Joe PSA of Roadblock talking to two children is shown on the big screen]''
:'''Roadblock''': I don't know why a 7-year-old would need to deep fry a turkey, but know you know how.
:'''Children''': And knowing is half the battle.
:''[The PSA ends with the &quot;G.I. Joe&quot; jingle]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Be a Turkey on Thanksgiving&quot;.
:''[The G.I. Joes clap, and Duke kisses Scarlett before he heads up with Roadblock to collect their award, while COBRA Commander and Destro watch on from the cheap seats]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': Look at them, Destro. The Joes churn out pedestrian advice to dead-eyed children, and the public eats it up! ''[mocking the Joes]'' &quot;Hey, kids, don't play with fallen electrical lines.&quot; ''[normal voice]'' Reads like a dispatch from the no-shit clinic.
:'''Destro''': I'll get the nerve gas.
:'''COBRA Commander''': No, you fool. We'll beat them at their own game. ''[clenching his fist]'' We'll create our own PSAs!
:''[Cut to COBRA Commander, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, and the Crimson Twins in the briefing room at COBRA Headquarters]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': OK, OK, let's just throw some ideas out there. This is a safe creative place. Dr. Mindbender, go.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Well, I thought our PSA could communicate an idea non-verbally. I've discovered that painting directly on celluloid creates a sort of &quot;tone poem&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Holy ''[bleep]'', that's sounds terrible. I'm sorry, safe place, but holy shit, that was fucking dumb. Next!
:'''Baroness''': ''[enters the room]'' Oh, I forgot you guys were in here writing. I was just looking for a hammer to hang my degree in screenwriting from Aberdeen. Anything I can do for you while I'm in here? ''[looks at him]'' Destro?
:'''Destro''': She's actually really funny, you guys.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Hey, you lost me at &quot;She's&quot;. ''[Bleep'' it! We're doing it without a script.
:''[Cut to the set of COBRA's PSAs, as Destro supervises, Storm Shadow is having his makeup done by one COBRA soldier, and two more soldiers move a camera. Dr. Mindbender enters the set with a group of children]''
:'''Destro''': Dr. Mindbender, you found four young children for our PSAs.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Uh, yes. ''[puts his arms around the children]'' That is what these kidnapped children are for.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[talking to Storm Shadow, who is reading his lines]'' OK, Storm Shadow, these two children will be running with scissors. Now, this upsets you, and you...
:'''Storm Shadow''': Why?
:'''COBRA Commander''': It's dangerous to run with scissors.
:'''Storm Shadow''': I run with Katana. Is that not dangerous?
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow, I hadn't thought of that. Excellent point, Storm Shadow. ''[whispers to Tomax]'' Get this piece of ''[bleep]'' off my set!
:''[One of the children runs past, giggling while running with scissors, but ends up getting killed by Storm Shadow]''
:'''Storm Shadow''': Well, COBRA Commander, it looks like I owe you an apology.
:''[First COBRA PSA: Serpentor telling children about using supplies only at the post office]''
:'''Serpentor''': So, remember, only take supplies if you'll use them for post office business. Any other use is a felony.
:'''Boy''': Now I'm aware.
:'''Serpentor''': ''[putting his arms around the children and smiling]'' And awareness is the second 50% of the conflict in question. ''[beat]'' Somebody say ''[bleep]''ing &quot;Cut&quot;!
:''[Second COBRA PSA: COBRA Commander tells children about the joys of reading]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': And I think you'll find it's not hard to read when you take the time to sssssssssound it out. ''[both children giggle]'' Oh, yesss, I've got a sssmall ssspeech impediment. ''[both children laugh; irritated]'' It'sss not funny! ''[removes his mask, as the children scream and run away, only for the Commander to shoot them dead]'' Shut. It. Down.
:''[At the next Emmy Awards...]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Star in a COBRA PSA&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[shaking his fist]'' What?!
:'''Destro''': ''[shouting over to the troops]'' Pump the nerve gas!

===Link's Sausages [7.02]===
:''[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are standing in the street]''
:'''Tommy Pickles''': ''[holding his Reptar doll]'' Well, after crossing the freeway, base jumping off a cliff, and dodging bullets in a gang war, we finally found my Reptar doll.
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enters the street, finding the babies]'' Tommy! What are you doing in the street?!
:''[Cut to the Pickles' house]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, thank God! They've been lost for hours! Where were they?
:'''Didi Pickles''': Stu, a word?  ''[they walk into the kitchen, their voices get muffled as they talk with the door shut]'' What the ''[bleep]'', Stu?!
:'''Stu Pickles''': Well, I'm sorry. The babies escaped, and I-
:'''Didi Pickles''': Escaped?! They're babies, you sackless moron!
:'''Stu Pickles''': I was downstairs, working on a new toy, and they just-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, a new toy! Never mind, then!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[tearing up]'' Didi, if you keep ridiculing my work, I-I swear to God-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enraged]'' What?! You'll hit me?! Ooh, you're such a man!
:''[Thudding and crashing are heard as Didi violently beats Stu offscreen]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': Didi, stop!
:'''Didi Pickles''': I'll be the man! See, Stu?! I'm the man!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[sobbing]'' I want a divorce!
:''[The babies look devastated as the screen cut to static]''

===Secret of the Booze [7.03]===
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf shaving his beard in his house]''
:''Papa Smurf: I don't usually get involved in day-to-day operations, so I'm smurfing undercover. They'll never smurf it's me. ''[chuckles; takes off his pants]'' Ohh, I haven't smurfed these things off in nearly 300 years! Talk about crotch rot!
:''[Title Card: Undercover Smurf Boss]''
:'''Farmer Smurf''': So, you're my new intern, huh?
:'''Papa Smurf''': That's right, Farmer Smurf. Teach me to care about your sad, little life...I mean your noble and fulfilling, uh, career choice.
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Well, Smurfs are a thirsty bunch, so we got to smurf them fresh milk every day!
:''[A giant caterpillar slithers in and turns onto its side, revealing its udders]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[being filmed]'' We've been drinking CATERPILLAR MILK?! ''[milks the giant caterpillar, his hands getting sore]'' Oh, this is agony. It feels like my hands are gonna smurf off!
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Yep, my carpal tunnel got so bad, they had to fuse my wrist bones in place!
:'''Papa Smurf''': But our healthcare is smurfy, right?
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Eh, my deductible is 2,000 smurfberries.
:'''Papa Smurf''': WHAT?! ''[cash register dings]''
:''[Title Card: 1 Smurfberry = 1.78 USD]''
:''[Scene cuts to the Smurf Hospital. Doctor Smurf packs his medical bag]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': Doctor Smurf, why are deductibles so high?
:'''Doctor Smurf''': Boy, you smurf a lot of uppity questions for an intern. Uh, just treat the next patient while I go for a Jamba Juice run in my gold-plated helicopter.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Actually, I'm not really qualified.
:''[Outside the window, Doctor Smurf takes off in his gold-plated helicopter. Door opens, Smurfette and Handy Smurf enter the room]''
:'''Smurfette''': We need Doctor Smurf! Handy had an accident!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Did someone get a sliver? ''[Handy shows his bleeding hand, missing all of his fingers]'' OH MY SMURFING GOD!!!
:'''Handy Smurf''': I sawed right through a load-bearing mushroom! Half our building materials are fungus! Oh, trade school didn't prepare me for this!
:'''Smurfette''': You can smurf his fingers, right, nurse?
:'''Papa Smurf''': I'll certainly try. ''[being filmed]'' I certainly tried.
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf sewing Handy's fingers while Handy lies dead on the table]''
:'''Smurfette''': ''[crying]'' You can probably stop sewing.
:'''Papa Smurf''': No, no, no. I-I'm gonna get this. ''[walks up to Grouchy Smurf]'' So, Grouchy Smurf, how's the coffee today?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate coffee!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh! Okay. But how do you like working here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate working here.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh, goodness. Okay. Well, is there anything that maybe Papa Smurf could do?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate Papa Smurf!
:'''Papa Smurf''': All right, what exactly do you do around here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I-I hate stuff?
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[puts on his red hat]'' I'm being deadly serious.
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I...I... ''[cuts to him, shoveling dog poop outside]'' I hate shoveling dog ''[bleep]''.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Well, now that's actually an appropriate reaction. Carry on, dog-''[bleep]'' Smurf! ''[leaves]''
:''[More dog poop falls from above, next to Grouchy]''

===Rebel Appliance [7.04]===
===Legion of Super-Gyros [7.05]===
===El Skeletorio [7.06]===
===Snarfer Image [7.07]===
===Up, Up, and Buffet [7.08]===
===Panthropologie [7.09]===
===Catdog on a Stick [7.10]===
===Super Guitaro Center [7.11]===
===Noidstrom Rack [7.12]===
===Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13]===
===Walking Dead Lobster [7.14]===
===Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15]===
===Bitch Pudding Special [7.16]===
===Batman Forever 21 [7.17]===
===The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's [7.18]===
===Chipotle Miserables [7.19]===
===The Robot Chicken Lots of Holidays But Don't Worry Christmas is Still In There Too so Pull the Stick Out of Your Ass Fox News Special [7.20]===</text>
      <sha1>qk4t2yv7ipdp61lypv08sehkgyasgb8</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147648</id>
      <parentid>3147647</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T18:54:45Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Secret of the Booze [7.03] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="9636" xml:space="preserve">===G.I. Jogurt [7.01]===
:''[At the Emmy Awards, a G.I. Joe PSA of Roadblock talking to two children is shown on the big screen]''
:'''Roadblock''': I don't know why a 7-year-old would need to deep fry a turkey, but know you know how.
:'''Children''': And knowing is half the battle.
:''[The PSA ends with the &quot;G.I. Joe&quot; jingle]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Be a Turkey on Thanksgiving&quot;.
:''[The G.I. Joes clap, and Duke kisses Scarlett before he heads up with Roadblock to collect their award, while COBRA Commander and Destro watch on from the cheap seats]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': Look at them, Destro. The Joes churn out pedestrian advice to dead-eyed children, and the public eats it up! ''[mocking the Joes]'' &quot;Hey, kids, don't play with fallen electrical lines.&quot; ''[normal voice]'' Reads like a dispatch from the no-shit clinic.
:'''Destro''': I'll get the nerve gas.
:'''COBRA Commander''': No, you fool. We'll beat them at their own game. ''[clenching his fist]'' We'll create our own PSAs!
:''[Cut to COBRA Commander, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, and the Crimson Twins in the briefing room at COBRA Headquarters]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': OK, OK, let's just throw some ideas out there. This is a safe creative place. Dr. Mindbender, go.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Well, I thought our PSA could communicate an idea non-verbally. I've discovered that painting directly on celluloid creates a sort of &quot;tone poem&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Holy ''[bleep]'', that's sounds terrible. I'm sorry, safe place, but holy shit, that was fucking dumb. Next!
:'''Baroness''': ''[enters the room]'' Oh, I forgot you guys were in here writing. I was just looking for a hammer to hang my degree in screenwriting from Aberdeen. Anything I can do for you while I'm in here? ''[looks at him]'' Destro?
:'''Destro''': She's actually really funny, you guys.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Hey, you lost me at &quot;She's&quot;. ''[Bleep'' it! We're doing it without a script.
:''[Cut to the set of COBRA's PSAs, as Destro supervises, Storm Shadow is having his makeup done by one COBRA soldier, and two more soldiers move a camera. Dr. Mindbender enters the set with a group of children]''
:'''Destro''': Dr. Mindbender, you found four young children for our PSAs.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Uh, yes. ''[puts his arms around the children]'' That is what these kidnapped children are for.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[talking to Storm Shadow, who is reading his lines]'' OK, Storm Shadow, these two children will be running with scissors. Now, this upsets you, and you...
:'''Storm Shadow''': Why?
:'''COBRA Commander''': It's dangerous to run with scissors.
:'''Storm Shadow''': I run with Katana. Is that not dangerous?
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow, I hadn't thought of that. Excellent point, Storm Shadow. ''[whispers to Tomax]'' Get this piece of ''[bleep]'' off my set!
:''[One of the children runs past, giggling while running with scissors, but ends up getting killed by Storm Shadow]''
:'''Storm Shadow''': Well, COBRA Commander, it looks like I owe you an apology.
:''[First COBRA PSA: Serpentor telling children about using supplies only at the post office]''
:'''Serpentor''': So, remember, only take supplies if you'll use them for post office business. Any other use is a felony.
:'''Boy''': Now I'm aware.
:'''Serpentor''': ''[putting his arms around the children and smiling]'' And awareness is the second 50% of the conflict in question. ''[beat]'' Somebody say ''[bleep]''ing &quot;Cut&quot;!
:''[Second COBRA PSA: COBRA Commander tells children about the joys of reading]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': And I think you'll find it's not hard to read when you take the time to sssssssssound it out. ''[both children giggle]'' Oh, yesss, I've got a sssmall ssspeech impediment. ''[both children laugh; irritated]'' It'sss not funny! ''[removes his mask, as the children scream and run away, only for the Commander to shoot them dead]'' Shut. It. Down.
:''[At the next Emmy Awards...]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Star in a COBRA PSA&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[shaking his fist]'' What?!
:'''Destro''': ''[shouting over to the troops]'' Pump the nerve gas!

===Link's Sausages [7.02]===
:''[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are standing in the street]''
:'''Tommy Pickles''': ''[holding his Reptar doll]'' Well, after crossing the freeway, base jumping off a cliff, and dodging bullets in a gang war, we finally found my Reptar doll.
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enters the street, finding the babies]'' Tommy! What are you doing in the street?!
:''[Cut to the Pickles' house]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, thank God! They've been lost for hours! Where were they?
:'''Didi Pickles''': Stu, a word?  ''[they walk into the kitchen, their voices get muffled as they talk with the door shut]'' What the ''[bleep]'', Stu?!
:'''Stu Pickles''': Well, I'm sorry. The babies escaped, and I-
:'''Didi Pickles''': Escaped?! They're babies, you sackless moron!
:'''Stu Pickles''': I was downstairs, working on a new toy, and they just-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, a new toy! Never mind, then!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[tearing up]'' Didi, if you keep ridiculing my work, I-I swear to God-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enraged]'' What?! You'll hit me?! Ooh, you're such a man!
:''[Thudding and crashing are heard as Didi violently beats Stu offscreen]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': Didi, stop!
:'''Didi Pickles''': I'll be the man! See, Stu?! I'm the man!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[sobbing]'' I want a divorce!
:''[The babies look devastated as the screen cut to static]''

===Secret of the Booze [7.03]===
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf shaving his beard in his house]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': I don't usually get involved in day-to-day operations, so I'm smurfing undercover. They'll never smurf it's me. ''[chuckles; takes off his pants]'' Ohh, I haven't smurfed these things off in nearly 300 years! Talk about crotch rot!
:''[Title Card: Undercover Smurf Boss]''
:'''Farmer Smurf''': So, you're my new intern, huh?
:'''Papa Smurf''': That's right, Farmer Smurf. Teach me to care about your sad, little life...I mean your noble and fulfilling, uh, career choice.
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Well, Smurfs are a thirsty bunch, so we got to smurf them fresh milk every day!
:''[A giant caterpillar slithers in and turns onto its side, revealing its udders]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[being filmed]'' We've been drinking CATERPILLAR MILK?! ''[milks the giant caterpillar, his hands getting sore]'' Oh, this is agony. It feels like my hands are gonna smurf off!
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Yep, my carpal tunnel got so bad, they had to fuse my wrist bones in place!
:'''Papa Smurf''': But our healthcare is smurfy, right?
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Eh, my deductible is 2,000 smurfberries.
:'''Papa Smurf''': WHAT?! ''[cash register dings]''
:''[Title Card: 1 Smurfberry = 1.78 USD]''
:''[Scene cuts to the Smurf Hospital. Doctor Smurf packs his medical bag]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': Doctor Smurf, why are deductibles so high?
:'''Doctor Smurf''': Boy, you smurf a lot of uppity questions for an intern. Uh, just treat the next patient while I go for a Jamba Juice run in my gold-plated helicopter.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Actually, I'm not really qualified.
:''[Outside the window, Doctor Smurf takes off in his gold-plated helicopter. Door opens, Smurfette and Handy Smurf enter the room]''
:'''Smurfette''': We need Doctor Smurf! Handy had an accident!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Did someone get a sliver? ''[Handy shows his bleeding hand, missing all of his fingers]'' OH MY SMURFING GOD!!!
:'''Handy Smurf''': I sawed right through a load-bearing mushroom! Half our building materials are fungus! Oh, trade school didn't prepare me for this!
:'''Smurfette''': You can smurf his fingers, right, nurse?
:'''Papa Smurf''': I'll certainly try. ''[being filmed]'' I certainly tried.
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf sewing Handy's fingers while Handy lies dead on the table]''
:'''Smurfette''': ''[crying]'' You can probably stop sewing.
:'''Papa Smurf''': No, no, no. I-I'm gonna get this. ''[walks up to Grouchy Smurf]'' So, Grouchy Smurf, how's the coffee today?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate coffee!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh! Okay. But how do you like working here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate working here.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh, goodness. Okay. Well, is there anything that maybe Papa Smurf could do?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate Papa Smurf!
:'''Papa Smurf''': All right, what exactly do you do around here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I-I hate stuff?
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[puts on his red hat]'' I'm being deadly serious.
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I...I... ''[cuts to him, shoveling dog poop outside]'' I hate shoveling dog ''[bleep]''.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Well, now that's actually an appropriate reaction. Carry on, dog-''[bleep]'' Smurf! ''[leaves]''
:''[More dog poop falls from above, next to Grouchy]''

===Rebel Appliance [7.04]===
===Legion of Super-Gyros [7.05]===
===El Skeletorio [7.06]===
===Snarfer Image [7.07]===
===Up, Up, and Buffet [7.08]===
===Panthropologie [7.09]===
===Catdog on a Stick [7.10]===
===Super Guitaro Center [7.11]===
===Noidstrom Rack [7.12]===
===Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13]===
===Walking Dead Lobster [7.14]===
===Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15]===
===Bitch Pudding Special [7.16]===
===Batman Forever 21 [7.17]===
===The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's [7.18]===
===Chipotle Miserables [7.19]===
===The Robot Chicken Lots of Holidays But Don't Worry Christmas is Still In There Too so Pull the Stick Out of Your Ass Fox News Special [7.20]===</text>
      <sha1>cjywfqisj9nx5z62gwochob3exbrtle</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147652</id>
      <parentid>3147648</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T19:02:35Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Rebel Appliance [7.04] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="10677" xml:space="preserve">===G.I. Jogurt [7.01]===
:''[At the Emmy Awards, a G.I. Joe PSA of Roadblock talking to two children is shown on the big screen]''
:'''Roadblock''': I don't know why a 7-year-old would need to deep fry a turkey, but know you know how.
:'''Children''': And knowing is half the battle.
:''[The PSA ends with the &quot;G.I. Joe&quot; jingle]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Be a Turkey on Thanksgiving&quot;.
:''[The G.I. Joes clap, and Duke kisses Scarlett before he heads up with Roadblock to collect their award, while COBRA Commander and Destro watch on from the cheap seats]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': Look at them, Destro. The Joes churn out pedestrian advice to dead-eyed children, and the public eats it up! ''[mocking the Joes]'' &quot;Hey, kids, don't play with fallen electrical lines.&quot; ''[normal voice]'' Reads like a dispatch from the no-shit clinic.
:'''Destro''': I'll get the nerve gas.
:'''COBRA Commander''': No, you fool. We'll beat them at their own game. ''[clenching his fist]'' We'll create our own PSAs!
:''[Cut to COBRA Commander, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, and the Crimson Twins in the briefing room at COBRA Headquarters]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': OK, OK, let's just throw some ideas out there. This is a safe creative place. Dr. Mindbender, go.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Well, I thought our PSA could communicate an idea non-verbally. I've discovered that painting directly on celluloid creates a sort of &quot;tone poem&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Holy ''[bleep]'', that's sounds terrible. I'm sorry, safe place, but holy shit, that was fucking dumb. Next!
:'''Baroness''': ''[enters the room]'' Oh, I forgot you guys were in here writing. I was just looking for a hammer to hang my degree in screenwriting from Aberdeen. Anything I can do for you while I'm in here? ''[looks at him]'' Destro?
:'''Destro''': She's actually really funny, you guys.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Hey, you lost me at &quot;She's&quot;. ''[Bleep'' it! We're doing it without a script.
:''[Cut to the set of COBRA's PSAs, as Destro supervises, Storm Shadow is having his makeup done by one COBRA soldier, and two more soldiers move a camera. Dr. Mindbender enters the set with a group of children]''
:'''Destro''': Dr. Mindbender, you found four young children for our PSAs.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Uh, yes. ''[puts his arms around the children]'' That is what these kidnapped children are for.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[talking to Storm Shadow, who is reading his lines]'' OK, Storm Shadow, these two children will be running with scissors. Now, this upsets you, and you...
:'''Storm Shadow''': Why?
:'''COBRA Commander''': It's dangerous to run with scissors.
:'''Storm Shadow''': I run with Katana. Is that not dangerous?
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow, I hadn't thought of that. Excellent point, Storm Shadow. ''[whispers to Tomax]'' Get this piece of ''[bleep]'' off my set!
:''[One of the children runs past, giggling while running with scissors, but ends up getting killed by Storm Shadow]''
:'''Storm Shadow''': Well, COBRA Commander, it looks like I owe you an apology.
:''[First COBRA PSA: Serpentor telling children about using supplies only at the post office]''
:'''Serpentor''': So, remember, only take supplies if you'll use them for post office business. Any other use is a felony.
:'''Boy''': Now I'm aware.
:'''Serpentor''': ''[putting his arms around the children and smiling]'' And awareness is the second 50% of the conflict in question. ''[beat]'' Somebody say ''[bleep]''ing &quot;Cut&quot;!
:''[Second COBRA PSA: COBRA Commander tells children about the joys of reading]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': And I think you'll find it's not hard to read when you take the time to sssssssssound it out. ''[both children giggle]'' Oh, yesss, I've got a sssmall ssspeech impediment. ''[both children laugh; irritated]'' It'sss not funny! ''[removes his mask, as the children scream and run away, only for the Commander to shoot them dead]'' Shut. It. Down.
:''[At the next Emmy Awards...]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Star in a COBRA PSA&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[shaking his fist]'' What?!
:'''Destro''': ''[shouting over to the troops]'' Pump the nerve gas!

===Link's Sausages [7.02]===
:''[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are standing in the street]''
:'''Tommy Pickles''': ''[holding his Reptar doll]'' Well, after crossing the freeway, base jumping off a cliff, and dodging bullets in a gang war, we finally found my Reptar doll.
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enters the street, finding the babies]'' Tommy! What are you doing in the street?!
:''[Cut to the Pickles' house]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, thank God! They've been lost for hours! Where were they?
:'''Didi Pickles''': Stu, a word?  ''[they walk into the kitchen, their voices get muffled as they talk with the door shut]'' What the ''[bleep]'', Stu?!
:'''Stu Pickles''': Well, I'm sorry. The babies escaped, and I-
:'''Didi Pickles''': Escaped?! They're babies, you sackless moron!
:'''Stu Pickles''': I was downstairs, working on a new toy, and they just-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, a new toy! Never mind, then!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[tearing up]'' Didi, if you keep ridiculing my work, I-I swear to God-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enraged]'' What?! You'll hit me?! Ooh, you're such a man!
:''[Thudding and crashing are heard as Didi violently beats Stu offscreen]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': Didi, stop!
:'''Didi Pickles''': I'll be the man! See, Stu?! I'm the man!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[sobbing]'' I want a divorce!
:''[The babies look devastated as the screen cut to static]''

===Secret of the Booze [7.03]===
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf shaving his beard in his house]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': I don't usually get involved in day-to-day operations, so I'm smurfing undercover. They'll never smurf it's me. ''[chuckles; takes off his pants]'' Ohh, I haven't smurfed these things off in nearly 300 years! Talk about crotch rot!
:''[Title Card: Undercover Smurf Boss]''
:'''Farmer Smurf''': So, you're my new intern, huh?
:'''Papa Smurf''': That's right, Farmer Smurf. Teach me to care about your sad, little life...I mean your noble and fulfilling, uh, career choice.
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Well, Smurfs are a thirsty bunch, so we got to smurf them fresh milk every day!
:''[A giant caterpillar slithers in and turns onto its side, revealing its udders]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[being filmed]'' We've been drinking CATERPILLAR MILK?! ''[milks the giant caterpillar, his hands getting sore]'' Oh, this is agony. It feels like my hands are gonna smurf off!
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Yep, my carpal tunnel got so bad, they had to fuse my wrist bones in place!
:'''Papa Smurf''': But our healthcare is smurfy, right?
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Eh, my deductible is 2,000 smurfberries.
:'''Papa Smurf''': WHAT?! ''[cash register dings]''
:''[Title Card: 1 Smurfberry = 1.78 USD]''
:''[Scene cuts to the Smurf Hospital. Doctor Smurf packs his medical bag]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': Doctor Smurf, why are deductibles so high?
:'''Doctor Smurf''': Boy, you smurf a lot of uppity questions for an intern. Uh, just treat the next patient while I go for a Jamba Juice run in my gold-plated helicopter.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Actually, I'm not really qualified.
:''[Outside the window, Doctor Smurf takes off in his gold-plated helicopter. Door opens, Smurfette and Handy Smurf enter the room]''
:'''Smurfette''': We need Doctor Smurf! Handy had an accident!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Did someone get a sliver? ''[Handy shows his bleeding hand, missing all of his fingers]'' OH MY SMURFING GOD!!!
:'''Handy Smurf''': I sawed right through a load-bearing mushroom! Half our building materials are fungus! Oh, trade school didn't prepare me for this!
:'''Smurfette''': You can smurf his fingers, right, nurse?
:'''Papa Smurf''': I'll certainly try. ''[being filmed]'' I certainly tried.
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf sewing Handy's fingers while Handy lies dead on the table]''
:'''Smurfette''': ''[crying]'' You can probably stop sewing.
:'''Papa Smurf''': No, no, no. I-I'm gonna get this. ''[walks up to Grouchy Smurf]'' So, Grouchy Smurf, how's the coffee today?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate coffee!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh! Okay. But how do you like working here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate working here.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh, goodness. Okay. Well, is there anything that maybe Papa Smurf could do?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate Papa Smurf!
:'''Papa Smurf''': All right, what exactly do you do around here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I-I hate stuff?
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[puts on his red hat]'' I'm being deadly serious.
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I...I... ''[cuts to him, shoveling dog poop outside]'' I hate shoveling dog ''[bleep]''.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Well, now that's actually an appropriate reaction. Carry on, dog-''[bleep]'' Smurf! ''[leaves]''
:''[More dog poop falls from above, next to Grouchy]''

===Rebel Appliance [7.04]===
:'''Lion-O''': My fellow Thundercats! When danger is near, I shall hold the Sword of Omens aloft and yell out a battle cry
:'''Cheetara''': What shall our battle cry be, Lion-O?
:'''Lion-O''': &quot;Thunder, thunder, thunder, thundercats, I need you because evil is near, and we are friends, and we are a team. So we must come together and fight because the Eye of Thundera is in the sky, and it is summoning everyone together. So please come here Panthro and Tygra and Panthro and also Cheetara and also Wilykit and Wilicat and also Snarf. I think I said Panthro twice. I won't do that every time. Yes, we are the Thundercats. This is our battle cry. I love you guys. You are my best friends, and I am Lion-O and I am a Thundercat, and you guys are Thundercats too. Mumm Ra is not a Thundercat, he's bad and we're gonna win against him, because we are the Thundercats, and the Thundercats are here for you today because we are the Thundercats yeah, I'm Lion-O&quot;. I hope you write that down.
:'''Snarf''': I liked it. ''[Wilykat slaps him]'' OW!

===Legion of Super-Gyros [7.05]===
===El Skeletorio [7.06]===
===Snarfer Image [7.07]===
===Up, Up, and Buffet [7.08]===
===Panthropologie [7.09]===
===Catdog on a Stick [7.10]===
===Super Guitaro Center [7.11]===
===Noidstrom Rack [7.12]===
===Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13]===
===Walking Dead Lobster [7.14]===
===Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15]===
===Bitch Pudding Special [7.16]===
===Batman Forever 21 [7.17]===
===The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's [7.18]===
===Chipotle Miserables [7.19]===
===The Robot Chicken Lots of Holidays But Don't Worry Christmas is Still In There Too so Pull the Stick Out of Your Ass Fox News Special [7.20]===</text>
      <sha1>cpfmrmmq92ufcee9t14xpqr1bdn0ig8</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147677</id>
      <parentid>3147652</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T19:41:11Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Legion of Super-Gyros [7.05] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="12038" xml:space="preserve">===G.I. Jogurt [7.01]===
:''[At the Emmy Awards, a G.I. Joe PSA of Roadblock talking to two children is shown on the big screen]''
:'''Roadblock''': I don't know why a 7-year-old would need to deep fry a turkey, but know you know how.
:'''Children''': And knowing is half the battle.
:''[The PSA ends with the &quot;G.I. Joe&quot; jingle]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Be a Turkey on Thanksgiving&quot;.
:''[The G.I. Joes clap, and Duke kisses Scarlett before he heads up with Roadblock to collect their award, while COBRA Commander and Destro watch on from the cheap seats]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': Look at them, Destro. The Joes churn out pedestrian advice to dead-eyed children, and the public eats it up! ''[mocking the Joes]'' &quot;Hey, kids, don't play with fallen electrical lines.&quot; ''[normal voice]'' Reads like a dispatch from the no-shit clinic.
:'''Destro''': I'll get the nerve gas.
:'''COBRA Commander''': No, you fool. We'll beat them at their own game. ''[clenching his fist]'' We'll create our own PSAs!
:''[Cut to COBRA Commander, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, and the Crimson Twins in the briefing room at COBRA Headquarters]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': OK, OK, let's just throw some ideas out there. This is a safe creative place. Dr. Mindbender, go.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Well, I thought our PSA could communicate an idea non-verbally. I've discovered that painting directly on celluloid creates a sort of &quot;tone poem&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Holy ''[bleep]'', that's sounds terrible. I'm sorry, safe place, but holy shit, that was fucking dumb. Next!
:'''Baroness''': ''[enters the room]'' Oh, I forgot you guys were in here writing. I was just looking for a hammer to hang my degree in screenwriting from Aberdeen. Anything I can do for you while I'm in here? ''[looks at him]'' Destro?
:'''Destro''': She's actually really funny, you guys.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Hey, you lost me at &quot;She's&quot;. ''[Bleep'' it! We're doing it without a script.
:''[Cut to the set of COBRA's PSAs, as Destro supervises, Storm Shadow is having his makeup done by one COBRA soldier, and two more soldiers move a camera. Dr. Mindbender enters the set with a group of children]''
:'''Destro''': Dr. Mindbender, you found four young children for our PSAs.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Uh, yes. ''[puts his arms around the children]'' That is what these kidnapped children are for.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[talking to Storm Shadow, who is reading his lines]'' OK, Storm Shadow, these two children will be running with scissors. Now, this upsets you, and you...
:'''Storm Shadow''': Why?
:'''COBRA Commander''': It's dangerous to run with scissors.
:'''Storm Shadow''': I run with Katana. Is that not dangerous?
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow, I hadn't thought of that. Excellent point, Storm Shadow. ''[whispers to Tomax]'' Get this piece of ''[bleep]'' off my set!
:''[One of the children runs past, giggling while running with scissors, but ends up getting killed by Storm Shadow]''
:'''Storm Shadow''': Well, COBRA Commander, it looks like I owe you an apology.
:''[First COBRA PSA: Serpentor telling children about using supplies only at the post office]''
:'''Serpentor''': So, remember, only take supplies if you'll use them for post office business. Any other use is a felony.
:'''Boy''': Now I'm aware.
:'''Serpentor''': ''[putting his arms around the children and smiling]'' And awareness is the second 50% of the conflict in question. ''[beat]'' Somebody say ''[bleep]''ing &quot;Cut&quot;!
:''[Second COBRA PSA: COBRA Commander tells children about the joys of reading]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': And I think you'll find it's not hard to read when you take the time to sssssssssound it out. ''[both children giggle]'' Oh, yesss, I've got a sssmall ssspeech impediment. ''[both children laugh; irritated]'' It'sss not funny! ''[removes his mask, as the children scream and run away, only for the Commander to shoot them dead]'' Shut. It. Down.
:''[At the next Emmy Awards...]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Star in a COBRA PSA&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[shaking his fist]'' What?!
:'''Destro''': ''[shouting over to the troops]'' Pump the nerve gas!

===Link's Sausages [7.02]===
:''[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are standing in the street]''
:'''Tommy Pickles''': ''[holding his Reptar doll]'' Well, after crossing the freeway, base jumping off a cliff, and dodging bullets in a gang war, we finally found my Reptar doll.
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enters the street, finding the babies]'' Tommy! What are you doing in the street?!
:''[Cut to the Pickles' house]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, thank God! They've been lost for hours! Where were they?
:'''Didi Pickles''': Stu, a word?  ''[they walk into the kitchen, their voices get muffled as they talk with the door shut]'' What the ''[bleep]'', Stu?!
:'''Stu Pickles''': Well, I'm sorry. The babies escaped, and I-
:'''Didi Pickles''': Escaped?! They're babies, you sackless moron!
:'''Stu Pickles''': I was downstairs, working on a new toy, and they just-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, a new toy! Never mind, then!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[tearing up]'' Didi, if you keep ridiculing my work, I-I swear to God-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enraged]'' What?! You'll hit me?! Ooh, you're such a man!
:''[Thudding and crashing are heard as Didi violently beats Stu offscreen]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': Didi, stop!
:'''Didi Pickles''': I'll be the man! See, Stu?! I'm the man!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[sobbing]'' I want a divorce!
:''[The babies look devastated as the screen cut to static]''

===Secret of the Booze [7.03]===
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf shaving his beard in his house]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': I don't usually get involved in day-to-day operations, so I'm smurfing undercover. They'll never smurf it's me. ''[chuckles; takes off his pants]'' Ohh, I haven't smurfed these things off in nearly 300 years! Talk about crotch rot!
:''[Title Card: Undercover Smurf Boss]''
:'''Farmer Smurf''': So, you're my new intern, huh?
:'''Papa Smurf''': That's right, Farmer Smurf. Teach me to care about your sad, little life...I mean your noble and fulfilling, uh, career choice.
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Well, Smurfs are a thirsty bunch, so we got to smurf them fresh milk every day!
:''[A giant caterpillar slithers in and turns onto its side, revealing its udders]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[being filmed]'' We've been drinking CATERPILLAR MILK?! ''[milks the giant caterpillar, his hands getting sore]'' Oh, this is agony. It feels like my hands are gonna smurf off!
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Yep, my carpal tunnel got so bad, they had to fuse my wrist bones in place!
:'''Papa Smurf''': But our healthcare is smurfy, right?
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Eh, my deductible is 2,000 smurfberries.
:'''Papa Smurf''': WHAT?! ''[cash register dings]''
:''[Title Card: 1 Smurfberry = 1.78 USD]''
:''[Scene cuts to the Smurf Hospital. Doctor Smurf packs his medical bag]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': Doctor Smurf, why are deductibles so high?
:'''Doctor Smurf''': Boy, you smurf a lot of uppity questions for an intern. Uh, just treat the next patient while I go for a Jamba Juice run in my gold-plated helicopter.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Actually, I'm not really qualified.
:''[Outside the window, Doctor Smurf takes off in his gold-plated helicopter. Door opens, Smurfette and Handy Smurf enter the room]''
:'''Smurfette''': We need Doctor Smurf! Handy had an accident!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Did someone get a sliver? ''[Handy shows his bleeding hand, missing all of his fingers]'' OH MY SMURFING GOD!!!
:'''Handy Smurf''': I sawed right through a load-bearing mushroom! Half our building materials are fungus! Oh, trade school didn't prepare me for this!
:'''Smurfette''': You can smurf his fingers, right, nurse?
:'''Papa Smurf''': I'll certainly try. ''[being filmed]'' I certainly tried.
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf sewing Handy's fingers while Handy lies dead on the table]''
:'''Smurfette''': ''[crying]'' You can probably stop sewing.
:'''Papa Smurf''': No, no, no. I-I'm gonna get this. ''[walks up to Grouchy Smurf]'' So, Grouchy Smurf, how's the coffee today?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate coffee!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh! Okay. But how do you like working here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate working here.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh, goodness. Okay. Well, is there anything that maybe Papa Smurf could do?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate Papa Smurf!
:'''Papa Smurf''': All right, what exactly do you do around here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I-I hate stuff?
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[puts on his red hat]'' I'm being deadly serious.
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I...I... ''[cuts to him, shoveling dog poop outside]'' I hate shoveling dog ''[bleep]''.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Well, now that's actually an appropriate reaction. Carry on, dog-''[bleep]'' Smurf! ''[leaves]''
:''[More dog poop falls from above, next to Grouchy]''

===Rebel Appliance [7.04]===
:'''Lion-O''': My fellow Thundercats! When danger is near, I shall hold the Sword of Omens aloft and yell out a battle cry
:'''Cheetara''': What shall our battle cry be, Lion-O?
:'''Lion-O''': &quot;Thunder, thunder, thunder, thundercats, I need you because evil is near, and we are friends, and we are a team. So we must come together and fight because the Eye of Thundera is in the sky, and it is summoning everyone together. So please come here Panthro and Tygra and Panthro and also Cheetara and also Wilykit and Wilicat and also Snarf. I think I said Panthro twice. I won't do that every time. Yes, we are the Thundercats. This is our battle cry. I love you guys. You are my best friends, and I am Lion-O and I am a Thundercat, and you guys are Thundercats too. Mumm Ra is not a Thundercat, he's bad and we're gonna win against him, because we are the Thundercats, and the Thundercats are here for you today because we are the Thundercats yeah, I'm Lion-O&quot;. I hope you write that down.
:'''Snarf''': I liked it. ''[Wilykat slaps him]'' OW!

===Legion of Super-Gyros [7.05]===
:''[With Grover and Oscar the Grouch]''
:'''Grover''': Oh boy, it sure is a great day here on Sesame Street!
:'''Oscar''': Yeah, especially since we're the last neighborhood in New York that hasn't been gentrified.
:'''Grover''': Until today, because our special guest is Hannah Horvath from the marginally popular but ignored in the flyover states HBO series, Girls!
:'''Hannah''': Hey, do you know where I could find a cocaine dealer/organic Vietnamese taco truck around here?
:'''Oscar''': ''[Bleep]'' me! ''[gets back inside his trash can]''
:'''Hannah''': ''[feels Grover]'' Ooh, you're so cute! ''[later that night]'' I really love how you don't play games, Grover.
:'''Grover''': Oh but I play lots of games, patty cake, and marco polo...Ugh!
:'''Hannah''': ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jacking off]'' Insult my parents! Oh yeah!
:'''Grover''': Woah! ''[scene cuts to him and Hannah learning about numbers with apples]'' Today, we are going to learn about the number 3, I have 3 apples!
:'''Hannah''': And I know 3 girls who were date raped at the same bar on 6th street.
:'''Grover''': That is sad. ''[Hannah eats the apple]'' Uh...you're eating my props.
:'''Hannah''': I'm proud of my body.
:'''Grover''': I know, I know.
:'''Hannah''': Ugh! Yeah! ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jerking off again]''
:'''Grover''': Oh, God!

===El Skeletorio [7.06]===
===Snarfer Image [7.07]===
===Up, Up, and Buffet [7.08]===
===Panthropologie [7.09]===
===Catdog on a Stick [7.10]===
===Super Guitaro Center [7.11]===
===Noidstrom Rack [7.12]===
===Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13]===
===Walking Dead Lobster [7.14]===
===Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15]===
===Bitch Pudding Special [7.16]===
===Batman Forever 21 [7.17]===
===The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's [7.18]===
===Chipotle Miserables [7.19]===
===The Robot Chicken Lots of Holidays But Don't Worry Christmas is Still In There Too so Pull the Stick Out of Your Ass Fox News Special [7.20]===</text>
      <sha1>2wr0233rajindczd9gs44773a7xh33z</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147693</id>
      <parentid>3147677</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T19:52:15Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* El Skeletorio [7.06] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="14450" xml:space="preserve">===G.I. Jogurt [7.01]===
:''[At the Emmy Awards, a G.I. Joe PSA of Roadblock talking to two children is shown on the big screen]''
:'''Roadblock''': I don't know why a 7-year-old would need to deep fry a turkey, but know you know how.
:'''Children''': And knowing is half the battle.
:''[The PSA ends with the &quot;G.I. Joe&quot; jingle]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Be a Turkey on Thanksgiving&quot;.
:''[The G.I. Joes clap, and Duke kisses Scarlett before he heads up with Roadblock to collect their award, while COBRA Commander and Destro watch on from the cheap seats]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': Look at them, Destro. The Joes churn out pedestrian advice to dead-eyed children, and the public eats it up! ''[mocking the Joes]'' &quot;Hey, kids, don't play with fallen electrical lines.&quot; ''[normal voice]'' Reads like a dispatch from the no-shit clinic.
:'''Destro''': I'll get the nerve gas.
:'''COBRA Commander''': No, you fool. We'll beat them at their own game. ''[clenching his fist]'' We'll create our own PSAs!
:''[Cut to COBRA Commander, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, and the Crimson Twins in the briefing room at COBRA Headquarters]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': OK, OK, let's just throw some ideas out there. This is a safe creative place. Dr. Mindbender, go.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Well, I thought our PSA could communicate an idea non-verbally. I've discovered that painting directly on celluloid creates a sort of &quot;tone poem&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Holy ''[bleep]'', that's sounds terrible. I'm sorry, safe place, but holy shit, that was fucking dumb. Next!
:'''Baroness''': ''[enters the room]'' Oh, I forgot you guys were in here writing. I was just looking for a hammer to hang my degree in screenwriting from Aberdeen. Anything I can do for you while I'm in here? ''[looks at him]'' Destro?
:'''Destro''': She's actually really funny, you guys.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Hey, you lost me at &quot;She's&quot;. ''[Bleep'' it! We're doing it without a script.
:''[Cut to the set of COBRA's PSAs, as Destro supervises, Storm Shadow is having his makeup done by one COBRA soldier, and two more soldiers move a camera. Dr. Mindbender enters the set with a group of children]''
:'''Destro''': Dr. Mindbender, you found four young children for our PSAs.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Uh, yes. ''[puts his arms around the children]'' That is what these kidnapped children are for.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[talking to Storm Shadow, who is reading his lines]'' OK, Storm Shadow, these two children will be running with scissors. Now, this upsets you, and you...
:'''Storm Shadow''': Why?
:'''COBRA Commander''': It's dangerous to run with scissors.
:'''Storm Shadow''': I run with Katana. Is that not dangerous?
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow, I hadn't thought of that. Excellent point, Storm Shadow. ''[whispers to Tomax]'' Get this piece of ''[bleep]'' off my set!
:''[One of the children runs past, giggling while running with scissors, but ends up getting killed by Storm Shadow]''
:'''Storm Shadow''': Well, COBRA Commander, it looks like I owe you an apology.
:''[First COBRA PSA: Serpentor telling children about using supplies only at the post office]''
:'''Serpentor''': So, remember, only take supplies if you'll use them for post office business. Any other use is a felony.
:'''Boy''': Now I'm aware.
:'''Serpentor''': ''[putting his arms around the children and smiling]'' And awareness is the second 50% of the conflict in question. ''[beat]'' Somebody say ''[bleep]''ing &quot;Cut&quot;!
:''[Second COBRA PSA: COBRA Commander tells children about the joys of reading]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': And I think you'll find it's not hard to read when you take the time to sssssssssound it out. ''[both children giggle]'' Oh, yesss, I've got a sssmall ssspeech impediment. ''[both children laugh; irritated]'' It'sss not funny! ''[removes his mask, as the children scream and run away, only for the Commander to shoot them dead]'' Shut. It. Down.
:''[At the next Emmy Awards...]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Star in a COBRA PSA&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[shaking his fist]'' What?!
:'''Destro''': ''[shouting over to the troops]'' Pump the nerve gas!

===Link's Sausages [7.02]===
:''[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are standing in the street]''
:'''Tommy Pickles''': ''[holding his Reptar doll]'' Well, after crossing the freeway, base jumping off a cliff, and dodging bullets in a gang war, we finally found my Reptar doll.
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enters the street, finding the babies]'' Tommy! What are you doing in the street?!
:''[Cut to the Pickles' house]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, thank God! They've been lost for hours! Where were they?
:'''Didi Pickles''': Stu, a word?  ''[they walk into the kitchen, their voices get muffled as they talk with the door shut]'' What the ''[bleep]'', Stu?!
:'''Stu Pickles''': Well, I'm sorry. The babies escaped, and I-
:'''Didi Pickles''': Escaped?! They're babies, you sackless moron!
:'''Stu Pickles''': I was downstairs, working on a new toy, and they just-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, a new toy! Never mind, then!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[tearing up]'' Didi, if you keep ridiculing my work, I-I swear to God-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enraged]'' What?! You'll hit me?! Ooh, you're such a man!
:''[Thudding and crashing are heard as Didi violently beats Stu offscreen]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': Didi, stop!
:'''Didi Pickles''': I'll be the man! See, Stu?! I'm the man!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[sobbing]'' I want a divorce!
:''[The babies look devastated as the screen cut to static]''

===Secret of the Booze [7.03]===
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf shaving his beard in his house]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': I don't usually get involved in day-to-day operations, so I'm smurfing undercover. They'll never smurf it's me. ''[chuckles; takes off his pants]'' Ohh, I haven't smurfed these things off in nearly 300 years! Talk about crotch rot!
:''[Title Card: Undercover Smurf Boss]''
:'''Farmer Smurf''': So, you're my new intern, huh?
:'''Papa Smurf''': That's right, Farmer Smurf. Teach me to care about your sad, little life...I mean your noble and fulfilling, uh, career choice.
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Well, Smurfs are a thirsty bunch, so we got to smurf them fresh milk every day!
:''[A giant caterpillar slithers in and turns onto its side, revealing its udders]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[being filmed]'' We've been drinking CATERPILLAR MILK?! ''[milks the giant caterpillar, his hands getting sore]'' Oh, this is agony. It feels like my hands are gonna smurf off!
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Yep, my carpal tunnel got so bad, they had to fuse my wrist bones in place!
:'''Papa Smurf''': But our healthcare is smurfy, right?
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Eh, my deductible is 2,000 smurfberries.
:'''Papa Smurf''': WHAT?! ''[cash register dings]''
:''[Title Card: 1 Smurfberry = 1.78 USD]''
:''[Scene cuts to the Smurf Hospital. Doctor Smurf packs his medical bag]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': Doctor Smurf, why are deductibles so high?
:'''Doctor Smurf''': Boy, you smurf a lot of uppity questions for an intern. Uh, just treat the next patient while I go for a Jamba Juice run in my gold-plated helicopter.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Actually, I'm not really qualified.
:''[Outside the window, Doctor Smurf takes off in his gold-plated helicopter. Door opens, Smurfette and Handy Smurf enter the room]''
:'''Smurfette''': We need Doctor Smurf! Handy had an accident!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Did someone get a sliver? ''[Handy shows his bleeding hand, missing all of his fingers]'' OH MY SMURFING GOD!!!
:'''Handy Smurf''': I sawed right through a load-bearing mushroom! Half our building materials are fungus! Oh, trade school didn't prepare me for this!
:'''Smurfette''': You can smurf his fingers, right, nurse?
:'''Papa Smurf''': I'll certainly try. ''[being filmed]'' I certainly tried.
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf sewing Handy's fingers while Handy lies dead on the table]''
:'''Smurfette''': ''[crying]'' You can probably stop sewing.
:'''Papa Smurf''': No, no, no. I-I'm gonna get this. ''[walks up to Grouchy Smurf]'' So, Grouchy Smurf, how's the coffee today?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate coffee!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh! Okay. But how do you like working here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate working here.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh, goodness. Okay. Well, is there anything that maybe Papa Smurf could do?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate Papa Smurf!
:'''Papa Smurf''': All right, what exactly do you do around here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I-I hate stuff?
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[puts on his red hat]'' I'm being deadly serious.
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I...I... ''[cuts to him, shoveling dog poop outside]'' I hate shoveling dog ''[bleep]''.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Well, now that's actually an appropriate reaction. Carry on, dog-''[bleep]'' Smurf! ''[leaves]''
:''[More dog poop falls from above, next to Grouchy]''

===Rebel Appliance [7.04]===
:'''Lion-O''': My fellow Thundercats! When danger is near, I shall hold the Sword of Omens aloft and yell out a battle cry
:'''Cheetara''': What shall our battle cry be, Lion-O?
:'''Lion-O''': &quot;Thunder, thunder, thunder, thundercats, I need you because evil is near, and we are friends, and we are a team. So we must come together and fight because the Eye of Thundera is in the sky, and it is summoning everyone together. So please come here Panthro and Tygra and Panthro and also Cheetara and also Wilykit and Wilicat and also Snarf. I think I said Panthro twice. I won't do that every time. Yes, we are the Thundercats. This is our battle cry. I love you guys. You are my best friends, and I am Lion-O and I am a Thundercat, and you guys are Thundercats too. Mumm Ra is not a Thundercat, he's bad and we're gonna win against him, because we are the Thundercats, and the Thundercats are here for you today because we are the Thundercats yeah, I'm Lion-O&quot;. I hope you write that down.
:'''Snarf''': I liked it. ''[Wilykat slaps him]'' OW!

===Legion of Super-Gyros [7.05]===
:''[With Grover and Oscar the Grouch]''
:'''Grover''': Oh boy, it sure is a great day here on Sesame Street!
:'''Oscar''': Yeah, especially since we're the last neighborhood in New York that hasn't been gentrified.
:'''Grover''': Until today, because our special guest is Hannah Horvath from the marginally popular but ignored in the flyover states HBO series, Girls!
:'''Hannah''': Hey, do you know where I could find a cocaine dealer/organic Vietnamese taco truck around here?
:'''Oscar''': ''[Bleep]'' me! ''[gets back inside his trash can]''
:'''Hannah''': ''[feels Grover]'' Ooh, you're so cute! ''[later that night]'' I really love how you don't play games, Grover.
:'''Grover''': Oh but I play lots of games, patty cake, and marco polo...Ugh!
:'''Hannah''': ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jacking off]'' Insult my parents! Oh yeah!
:'''Grover''': Woah! ''[scene cuts to him and Hannah learning about numbers with apples]'' Today, we are going to learn about the number 3, I have 3 apples!
:'''Hannah''': And I know 3 girls who were date raped at the same bar on 6th street.
:'''Grover''': That is sad. ''[Hannah eats the apple]'' Uh...you're eating my props.
:'''Hannah''': I'm proud of my body.
:'''Grover''': I know, I know.
:'''Hannah''': Ugh! Yeah! ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jerking off again]''
:'''Grover''': Oh, God!

===El Skeletorio [7.06]===
:'''Crypt Keeper''': Oh, hello! I was just enjoying the latest best &quot;heller&quot;! ''[laughs evilly, but then rips off book cover]'' This is actually Dan Brown's &quot;Inferno.&quot; It's a piece of shit. Our next tale is something of an &quot;alle-gory&quot;! You might say it's a &quot;meta-gore&quot;! Let's just roll it.
:''[Cuts to the outside of Bitch Pudding's house, where the title of the sketch appears. We cut to inside the hpuse, where Bitch Pudding is sleeping]''
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out. Get out of the house. Get out of the hou-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Why don't you get your tongue out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole so I can jam your mama's ''[bleep]'' up there, you ''[bleep]''-gargling pile of monkey spunk? Nothing to say now, huh?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': There's just a lot to unpack there.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Well, wake me up when you figure it out, ''[bleep]'' stick. ''[goes back to sleep]''
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding goes to her fridge when she sees the chairs and flower pot of her table are now completely deformed]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed, she flips them over and destroys them]'' BLAM! Where's your ''[bleep]''-ass art project now, ''[bleep]'' nut?
:'''Ghostly voice''': It wasn't supposed to be art, it was supposed to scare you! God! Forget it! I'm leaving! ''[cuts to Strawberry Shortcake's house, where she is sleeping]'' Strawberry Shortcake!
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': ''[wakes up]'' Huh? What?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out of the house!
:''[A red substance begins to ooze out of the walls, causing Strawberry Shortcake to scream in fear]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[breaks in through the window]'' Hey, ''[bleep]''ing clown, if you're ragging so bad, why don't you take your mama's tampon out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole and lick it clean before you shove it up your ''[bleep]''?!
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Hey, stop talking about my dad's ''[bleep]''hole! I'll-I'll leave town, okay? Oh, FYI, that isn't blood, that is strawberry jam, m'lady. The insulation is leaking. All I did was turn the painting upside down. Live with it.
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': Do you think he was right about the insulation? That could be berry expensive.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hmm, let's see. That depends on whether I give a ''[bleep]'', ''[bleep]'' tits! ''[make a fanfare noise]'' Bitch Pudding! BLAM! ''[jumps out the window]''
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': I should really move.

===Snarfer Image [7.07]===
===Up, Up, and Buffet [7.08]===
===Panthropologie [7.09]===
===Catdog on a Stick [7.10]===
===Super Guitaro Center [7.11]===
===Noidstrom Rack [7.12]===
===Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13]===
===Walking Dead Lobster [7.14]===
===Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15]===
===Bitch Pudding Special [7.16]===
===Batman Forever 21 [7.17]===
===The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's [7.18]===
===Chipotle Miserables [7.19]===
===The Robot Chicken Lots of Holidays But Don't Worry Christmas is Still In There Too so Pull the Stick Out of Your Ass Fox News Special [7.20]===</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147721</id>
      <parentid>3147693</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T20:17:02Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
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      <comment>/* Snarfer Image [7.07] */</comment>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="15591" xml:space="preserve">===G.I. Jogurt [7.01]===
:''[At the Emmy Awards, a G.I. Joe PSA of Roadblock talking to two children is shown on the big screen]''
:'''Roadblock''': I don't know why a 7-year-old would need to deep fry a turkey, but know you know how.
:'''Children''': And knowing is half the battle.
:''[The PSA ends with the &quot;G.I. Joe&quot; jingle]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Be a Turkey on Thanksgiving&quot;.
:''[The G.I. Joes clap, and Duke kisses Scarlett before he heads up with Roadblock to collect their award, while COBRA Commander and Destro watch on from the cheap seats]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': Look at them, Destro. The Joes churn out pedestrian advice to dead-eyed children, and the public eats it up! ''[mocking the Joes]'' &quot;Hey, kids, don't play with fallen electrical lines.&quot; ''[normal voice]'' Reads like a dispatch from the no-shit clinic.
:'''Destro''': I'll get the nerve gas.
:'''COBRA Commander''': No, you fool. We'll beat them at their own game. ''[clenching his fist]'' We'll create our own PSAs!
:''[Cut to COBRA Commander, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, and the Crimson Twins in the briefing room at COBRA Headquarters]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': OK, OK, let's just throw some ideas out there. This is a safe creative place. Dr. Mindbender, go.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Well, I thought our PSA could communicate an idea non-verbally. I've discovered that painting directly on celluloid creates a sort of &quot;tone poem&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Holy ''[bleep]'', that's sounds terrible. I'm sorry, safe place, but holy shit, that was fucking dumb. Next!
:'''Baroness''': ''[enters the room]'' Oh, I forgot you guys were in here writing. I was just looking for a hammer to hang my degree in screenwriting from Aberdeen. Anything I can do for you while I'm in here? ''[looks at him]'' Destro?
:'''Destro''': She's actually really funny, you guys.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Hey, you lost me at &quot;She's&quot;. ''[Bleep'' it! We're doing it without a script.
:''[Cut to the set of COBRA's PSAs, as Destro supervises, Storm Shadow is having his makeup done by one COBRA soldier, and two more soldiers move a camera. Dr. Mindbender enters the set with a group of children]''
:'''Destro''': Dr. Mindbender, you found four young children for our PSAs.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Uh, yes. ''[puts his arms around the children]'' That is what these kidnapped children are for.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[talking to Storm Shadow, who is reading his lines]'' OK, Storm Shadow, these two children will be running with scissors. Now, this upsets you, and you...
:'''Storm Shadow''': Why?
:'''COBRA Commander''': It's dangerous to run with scissors.
:'''Storm Shadow''': I run with Katana. Is that not dangerous?
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow, I hadn't thought of that. Excellent point, Storm Shadow. ''[whispers to Tomax]'' Get this piece of ''[bleep]'' off my set!
:''[One of the children runs past, giggling while running with scissors, but ends up getting killed by Storm Shadow]''
:'''Storm Shadow''': Well, COBRA Commander, it looks like I owe you an apology.
:''[First COBRA PSA: Serpentor telling children about using supplies only at the post office]''
:'''Serpentor''': So, remember, only take supplies if you'll use them for post office business. Any other use is a felony.
:'''Boy''': Now I'm aware.
:'''Serpentor''': ''[putting his arms around the children and smiling]'' And awareness is the second 50% of the conflict in question. ''[beat]'' Somebody say ''[bleep]''ing &quot;Cut&quot;!
:''[Second COBRA PSA: COBRA Commander tells children about the joys of reading]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': And I think you'll find it's not hard to read when you take the time to sssssssssound it out. ''[both children giggle]'' Oh, yesss, I've got a sssmall ssspeech impediment. ''[both children laugh; irritated]'' It'sss not funny! ''[removes his mask, as the children scream and run away, only for the Commander to shoot them dead]'' Shut. It. Down.
:''[At the next Emmy Awards...]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Star in a COBRA PSA&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[shaking his fist]'' What?!
:'''Destro''': ''[shouting over to the troops]'' Pump the nerve gas!

===Link's Sausages [7.02]===
:''[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are standing in the street]''
:'''Tommy Pickles''': ''[holding his Reptar doll]'' Well, after crossing the freeway, base jumping off a cliff, and dodging bullets in a gang war, we finally found my Reptar doll.
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enters the street, finding the babies]'' Tommy! What are you doing in the street?!
:''[Cut to the Pickles' house]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, thank God! They've been lost for hours! Where were they?
:'''Didi Pickles''': Stu, a word?  ''[they walk into the kitchen, their voices get muffled as they talk with the door shut]'' What the ''[bleep]'', Stu?!
:'''Stu Pickles''': Well, I'm sorry. The babies escaped, and I-
:'''Didi Pickles''': Escaped?! They're babies, you sackless moron!
:'''Stu Pickles''': I was downstairs, working on a new toy, and they just-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, a new toy! Never mind, then!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[tearing up]'' Didi, if you keep ridiculing my work, I-I swear to God-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enraged]'' What?! You'll hit me?! Ooh, you're such a man!
:''[Thudding and crashing are heard as Didi violently beats Stu offscreen]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': Didi, stop!
:'''Didi Pickles''': I'll be the man! See, Stu?! I'm the man!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[sobbing]'' I want a divorce!
:''[The babies look devastated as the screen cut to static]''

===Secret of the Booze [7.03]===
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf shaving his beard in his house]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': I don't usually get involved in day-to-day operations, so I'm smurfing undercover. They'll never smurf it's me. ''[chuckles; takes off his pants]'' Ohh, I haven't smurfed these things off in nearly 300 years! Talk about crotch rot!
:''[Title Card: Undercover Smurf Boss]''
:'''Farmer Smurf''': So, you're my new intern, huh?
:'''Papa Smurf''': That's right, Farmer Smurf. Teach me to care about your sad, little life...I mean your noble and fulfilling, uh, career choice.
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Well, Smurfs are a thirsty bunch, so we got to smurf them fresh milk every day!
:''[A giant caterpillar slithers in and turns onto its side, revealing its udders]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[being filmed]'' We've been drinking CATERPILLAR MILK?! ''[milks the giant caterpillar, his hands getting sore]'' Oh, this is agony. It feels like my hands are gonna smurf off!
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Yep, my carpal tunnel got so bad, they had to fuse my wrist bones in place!
:'''Papa Smurf''': But our healthcare is smurfy, right?
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Eh, my deductible is 2,000 smurfberries.
:'''Papa Smurf''': WHAT?! ''[cash register dings]''
:''[Title Card: 1 Smurfberry = 1.78 USD]''
:''[Scene cuts to the Smurf Hospital. Doctor Smurf packs his medical bag]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': Doctor Smurf, why are deductibles so high?
:'''Doctor Smurf''': Boy, you smurf a lot of uppity questions for an intern. Uh, just treat the next patient while I go for a Jamba Juice run in my gold-plated helicopter.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Actually, I'm not really qualified.
:''[Outside the window, Doctor Smurf takes off in his gold-plated helicopter. Door opens, Smurfette and Handy Smurf enter the room]''
:'''Smurfette''': We need Doctor Smurf! Handy had an accident!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Did someone get a sliver? ''[Handy shows his bleeding hand, missing all of his fingers]'' OH MY SMURFING GOD!!!
:'''Handy Smurf''': I sawed right through a load-bearing mushroom! Half our building materials are fungus! Oh, trade school didn't prepare me for this!
:'''Smurfette''': You can smurf his fingers, right, nurse?
:'''Papa Smurf''': I'll certainly try. ''[being filmed]'' I certainly tried.
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf sewing Handy's fingers while Handy lies dead on the table]''
:'''Smurfette''': ''[crying]'' You can probably stop sewing.
:'''Papa Smurf''': No, no, no. I-I'm gonna get this. ''[walks up to Grouchy Smurf]'' So, Grouchy Smurf, how's the coffee today?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate coffee!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh! Okay. But how do you like working here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate working here.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh, goodness. Okay. Well, is there anything that maybe Papa Smurf could do?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate Papa Smurf!
:'''Papa Smurf''': All right, what exactly do you do around here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I-I hate stuff?
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[puts on his red hat]'' I'm being deadly serious.
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I...I... ''[cuts to him, shoveling dog poop outside]'' I hate shoveling dog ''[bleep]''.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Well, now that's actually an appropriate reaction. Carry on, dog-''[bleep]'' Smurf! ''[leaves]''
:''[More dog poop falls from above, next to Grouchy]''

===Rebel Appliance [7.04]===
:'''Lion-O''': My fellow Thundercats! When danger is near, I shall hold the Sword of Omens aloft and yell out a battle cry
:'''Cheetara''': What shall our battle cry be, Lion-O?
:'''Lion-O''': &quot;Thunder, thunder, thunder, thundercats, I need you because evil is near, and we are friends, and we are a team. So we must come together and fight because the Eye of Thundera is in the sky, and it is summoning everyone together. So please come here Panthro and Tygra and Panthro and also Cheetara and also Wilykit and Wilicat and also Snarf. I think I said Panthro twice. I won't do that every time. Yes, we are the Thundercats. This is our battle cry. I love you guys. You are my best friends, and I am Lion-O and I am a Thundercat, and you guys are Thundercats too. Mumm Ra is not a Thundercat, he's bad and we're gonna win against him, because we are the Thundercats, and the Thundercats are here for you today because we are the Thundercats yeah, I'm Lion-O&quot;. I hope you write that down.
:'''Snarf''': I liked it. ''[Wilykat slaps him]'' OW!

===Legion of Super-Gyros [7.05]===
:''[With Grover and Oscar the Grouch]''
:'''Grover''': Oh boy, it sure is a great day here on Sesame Street!
:'''Oscar''': Yeah, especially since we're the last neighborhood in New York that hasn't been gentrified.
:'''Grover''': Until today, because our special guest is Hannah Horvath from the marginally popular but ignored in the flyover states HBO series, Girls!
:'''Hannah''': Hey, do you know where I could find a cocaine dealer/organic Vietnamese taco truck around here?
:'''Oscar''': ''[Bleep]'' me! ''[gets back inside his trash can]''
:'''Hannah''': ''[feels Grover]'' Ooh, you're so cute! ''[later that night]'' I really love how you don't play games, Grover.
:'''Grover''': Oh but I play lots of games, patty cake, and marco polo...Ugh!
:'''Hannah''': ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jacking off]'' Insult my parents! Oh yeah!
:'''Grover''': Woah! ''[scene cuts to him and Hannah learning about numbers with apples]'' Today, we are going to learn about the number 3, I have 3 apples!
:'''Hannah''': And I know 3 girls who were date raped at the same bar on 6th street.
:'''Grover''': That is sad. ''[Hannah eats the apple]'' Uh...you're eating my props.
:'''Hannah''': I'm proud of my body.
:'''Grover''': I know, I know.
:'''Hannah''': Ugh! Yeah! ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jerking off again]''
:'''Grover''': Oh, God!

===El Skeletorio [7.06]===
:'''Crypt Keeper''': Oh, hello! I was just enjoying the latest best &quot;heller&quot;! ''[laughs evilly, but then rips off book cover]'' This is actually Dan Brown's &quot;Inferno.&quot; It's a piece of shit. Our next tale is something of an &quot;alle-gory&quot;! You might say it's a &quot;meta-gore&quot;! Let's just roll it.
:''[Cuts to the outside of Bitch Pudding's house, where the title of the sketch appears. We cut to inside the hpuse, where Bitch Pudding is sleeping]''
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out. Get out of the house. Get out of the hou-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Why don't you get your tongue out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole so I can jam your mama's ''[bleep]'' up there, you ''[bleep]''-gargling pile of monkey spunk? Nothing to say now, huh?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': There's just a lot to unpack there.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Well, wake me up when you figure it out, ''[bleep]'' stick. ''[goes back to sleep]''
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding goes to her fridge when she sees the chairs and flower pot of her table are now completely deformed]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed, she flips them over and destroys them]'' BLAM! Where's your ''[bleep]''-ass art project now, ''[bleep]'' nut?
:'''Ghostly voice''': It wasn't supposed to be art, it was supposed to scare you! God! Forget it! I'm leaving! ''[cuts to Strawberry Shortcake's house, where she is sleeping]'' Strawberry Shortcake!
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': ''[wakes up]'' Huh? What?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out of the house!
:''[A red substance begins to ooze out of the walls, causing Strawberry Shortcake to scream in fear]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[breaks in through the window]'' Hey, ''[bleep]''ing clown, if you're ragging so bad, why don't you take your mama's tampon out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole and lick it clean before you shove it up your ''[bleep]''?!
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Hey, stop talking about my dad's ''[bleep]''hole! I'll-I'll leave town, okay? Oh, FYI, that isn't blood, that is strawberry jam, m'lady. The insulation is leaking. All I did was turn the painting upside down. Live with it.
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': Do you think he was right about the insulation? That could be berry expensive.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hmm, let's see. That depends on whether I give a ''[bleep]'', ''[bleep]'' tits! ''[make a fanfare noise]'' Bitch Pudding! BLAM! ''[jumps out the window]''
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': I should really move.

===Snarfer Image [7.07]===
:''[Ticking, cuts to Elmer Fudd in a field]''
:'''Elmer Fudd:'' ''[narrating]'' Time travel has not been invented yet, ''[cocks his gun]'' but in 30 years, it will be. ''[gunshot]'' In the future, TV networks don't awwow cartoons to have guns, so if they want to kill someone, they send them back here to me. My name is Elmer Fudd, and I'm a Wooper. ''[Title Card: Wooper]'' The only wule is never let your target escape, even if your target is you.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': ''[appears in the field]'' What are you waiting for? Shoot me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': What?!
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': In the future, they don't let me have a gun! That was my one dimension as a character! Know what I did yesterday? I slept for 15 hours and then beat it to a Weader's Digest! Help me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': I can't.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': Come on, give it to me. ''[crying]'' Pleeeease. ''[gunshot]''
:'''Yosemite Sam'': ''[appears in the field]'' I'll have what he's having. ''[gunshot]''
:''[Cuts to Porky Pig on the Looney Tunes circles. The words &quot;That's all, folks!&quot; appear in front]''
:'''Porky Pig''': Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-...That's all, folks! ''[gunshot]''

===Up, Up, and Buffet [7.08]===
===Panthropologie [7.09]===
===Catdog on a Stick [7.10]===
===Super Guitaro Center [7.11]===
===Noidstrom Rack [7.12]===
===Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13]===
===Walking Dead Lobster [7.14]===
===Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15]===
===Bitch Pudding Special [7.16]===
===Batman Forever 21 [7.17]===
===The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's [7.18]===
===Chipotle Miserables [7.19]===
===The Robot Chicken Lots of Holidays But Don't Worry Christmas is Still In There Too so Pull the Stick Out of Your Ass Fox News Special [7.20]===</text>
      <sha1>9egpf2bc5wj2zdmm5wv6p7zj0t7ewar</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147722</id>
      <parentid>3147721</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T20:17:10Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Snarfer Image [7.07] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="15592" xml:space="preserve">===G.I. Jogurt [7.01]===
:''[At the Emmy Awards, a G.I. Joe PSA of Roadblock talking to two children is shown on the big screen]''
:'''Roadblock''': I don't know why a 7-year-old would need to deep fry a turkey, but know you know how.
:'''Children''': And knowing is half the battle.
:''[The PSA ends with the &quot;G.I. Joe&quot; jingle]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Be a Turkey on Thanksgiving&quot;.
:''[The G.I. Joes clap, and Duke kisses Scarlett before he heads up with Roadblock to collect their award, while COBRA Commander and Destro watch on from the cheap seats]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': Look at them, Destro. The Joes churn out pedestrian advice to dead-eyed children, and the public eats it up! ''[mocking the Joes]'' &quot;Hey, kids, don't play with fallen electrical lines.&quot; ''[normal voice]'' Reads like a dispatch from the no-shit clinic.
:'''Destro''': I'll get the nerve gas.
:'''COBRA Commander''': No, you fool. We'll beat them at their own game. ''[clenching his fist]'' We'll create our own PSAs!
:''[Cut to COBRA Commander, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, and the Crimson Twins in the briefing room at COBRA Headquarters]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': OK, OK, let's just throw some ideas out there. This is a safe creative place. Dr. Mindbender, go.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Well, I thought our PSA could communicate an idea non-verbally. I've discovered that painting directly on celluloid creates a sort of &quot;tone poem&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Holy ''[bleep]'', that's sounds terrible. I'm sorry, safe place, but holy shit, that was fucking dumb. Next!
:'''Baroness''': ''[enters the room]'' Oh, I forgot you guys were in here writing. I was just looking for a hammer to hang my degree in screenwriting from Aberdeen. Anything I can do for you while I'm in here? ''[looks at him]'' Destro?
:'''Destro''': She's actually really funny, you guys.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Hey, you lost me at &quot;She's&quot;. ''[Bleep'' it! We're doing it without a script.
:''[Cut to the set of COBRA's PSAs, as Destro supervises, Storm Shadow is having his makeup done by one COBRA soldier, and two more soldiers move a camera. Dr. Mindbender enters the set with a group of children]''
:'''Destro''': Dr. Mindbender, you found four young children for our PSAs.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Uh, yes. ''[puts his arms around the children]'' That is what these kidnapped children are for.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[talking to Storm Shadow, who is reading his lines]'' OK, Storm Shadow, these two children will be running with scissors. Now, this upsets you, and you...
:'''Storm Shadow''': Why?
:'''COBRA Commander''': It's dangerous to run with scissors.
:'''Storm Shadow''': I run with Katana. Is that not dangerous?
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow, I hadn't thought of that. Excellent point, Storm Shadow. ''[whispers to Tomax]'' Get this piece of ''[bleep]'' off my set!
:''[One of the children runs past, giggling while running with scissors, but ends up getting killed by Storm Shadow]''
:'''Storm Shadow''': Well, COBRA Commander, it looks like I owe you an apology.
:''[First COBRA PSA: Serpentor telling children about using supplies only at the post office]''
:'''Serpentor''': So, remember, only take supplies if you'll use them for post office business. Any other use is a felony.
:'''Boy''': Now I'm aware.
:'''Serpentor''': ''[putting his arms around the children and smiling]'' And awareness is the second 50% of the conflict in question. ''[beat]'' Somebody say ''[bleep]''ing &quot;Cut&quot;!
:''[Second COBRA PSA: COBRA Commander tells children about the joys of reading]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': And I think you'll find it's not hard to read when you take the time to sssssssssound it out. ''[both children giggle]'' Oh, yesss, I've got a sssmall ssspeech impediment. ''[both children laugh; irritated]'' It'sss not funny! ''[removes his mask, as the children scream and run away, only for the Commander to shoot them dead]'' Shut. It. Down.
:''[At the next Emmy Awards...]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Star in a COBRA PSA&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[shaking his fist]'' What?!
:'''Destro''': ''[shouting over to the troops]'' Pump the nerve gas!

===Link's Sausages [7.02]===
:''[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are standing in the street]''
:'''Tommy Pickles''': ''[holding his Reptar doll]'' Well, after crossing the freeway, base jumping off a cliff, and dodging bullets in a gang war, we finally found my Reptar doll.
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enters the street, finding the babies]'' Tommy! What are you doing in the street?!
:''[Cut to the Pickles' house]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, thank God! They've been lost for hours! Where were they?
:'''Didi Pickles''': Stu, a word?  ''[they walk into the kitchen, their voices get muffled as they talk with the door shut]'' What the ''[bleep]'', Stu?!
:'''Stu Pickles''': Well, I'm sorry. The babies escaped, and I-
:'''Didi Pickles''': Escaped?! They're babies, you sackless moron!
:'''Stu Pickles''': I was downstairs, working on a new toy, and they just-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, a new toy! Never mind, then!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[tearing up]'' Didi, if you keep ridiculing my work, I-I swear to God-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enraged]'' What?! You'll hit me?! Ooh, you're such a man!
:''[Thudding and crashing are heard as Didi violently beats Stu offscreen]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': Didi, stop!
:'''Didi Pickles''': I'll be the man! See, Stu?! I'm the man!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[sobbing]'' I want a divorce!
:''[The babies look devastated as the screen cut to static]''

===Secret of the Booze [7.03]===
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf shaving his beard in his house]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': I don't usually get involved in day-to-day operations, so I'm smurfing undercover. They'll never smurf it's me. ''[chuckles; takes off his pants]'' Ohh, I haven't smurfed these things off in nearly 300 years! Talk about crotch rot!
:''[Title Card: Undercover Smurf Boss]''
:'''Farmer Smurf''': So, you're my new intern, huh?
:'''Papa Smurf''': That's right, Farmer Smurf. Teach me to care about your sad, little life...I mean your noble and fulfilling, uh, career choice.
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Well, Smurfs are a thirsty bunch, so we got to smurf them fresh milk every day!
:''[A giant caterpillar slithers in and turns onto its side, revealing its udders]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[being filmed]'' We've been drinking CATERPILLAR MILK?! ''[milks the giant caterpillar, his hands getting sore]'' Oh, this is agony. It feels like my hands are gonna smurf off!
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Yep, my carpal tunnel got so bad, they had to fuse my wrist bones in place!
:'''Papa Smurf''': But our healthcare is smurfy, right?
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Eh, my deductible is 2,000 smurfberries.
:'''Papa Smurf''': WHAT?! ''[cash register dings]''
:''[Title Card: 1 Smurfberry = 1.78 USD]''
:''[Scene cuts to the Smurf Hospital. Doctor Smurf packs his medical bag]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': Doctor Smurf, why are deductibles so high?
:'''Doctor Smurf''': Boy, you smurf a lot of uppity questions for an intern. Uh, just treat the next patient while I go for a Jamba Juice run in my gold-plated helicopter.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Actually, I'm not really qualified.
:''[Outside the window, Doctor Smurf takes off in his gold-plated helicopter. Door opens, Smurfette and Handy Smurf enter the room]''
:'''Smurfette''': We need Doctor Smurf! Handy had an accident!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Did someone get a sliver? ''[Handy shows his bleeding hand, missing all of his fingers]'' OH MY SMURFING GOD!!!
:'''Handy Smurf''': I sawed right through a load-bearing mushroom! Half our building materials are fungus! Oh, trade school didn't prepare me for this!
:'''Smurfette''': You can smurf his fingers, right, nurse?
:'''Papa Smurf''': I'll certainly try. ''[being filmed]'' I certainly tried.
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf sewing Handy's fingers while Handy lies dead on the table]''
:'''Smurfette''': ''[crying]'' You can probably stop sewing.
:'''Papa Smurf''': No, no, no. I-I'm gonna get this. ''[walks up to Grouchy Smurf]'' So, Grouchy Smurf, how's the coffee today?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate coffee!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh! Okay. But how do you like working here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate working here.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh, goodness. Okay. Well, is there anything that maybe Papa Smurf could do?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate Papa Smurf!
:'''Papa Smurf''': All right, what exactly do you do around here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I-I hate stuff?
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[puts on his red hat]'' I'm being deadly serious.
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I...I... ''[cuts to him, shoveling dog poop outside]'' I hate shoveling dog ''[bleep]''.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Well, now that's actually an appropriate reaction. Carry on, dog-''[bleep]'' Smurf! ''[leaves]''
:''[More dog poop falls from above, next to Grouchy]''

===Rebel Appliance [7.04]===
:'''Lion-O''': My fellow Thundercats! When danger is near, I shall hold the Sword of Omens aloft and yell out a battle cry
:'''Cheetara''': What shall our battle cry be, Lion-O?
:'''Lion-O''': &quot;Thunder, thunder, thunder, thundercats, I need you because evil is near, and we are friends, and we are a team. So we must come together and fight because the Eye of Thundera is in the sky, and it is summoning everyone together. So please come here Panthro and Tygra and Panthro and also Cheetara and also Wilykit and Wilicat and also Snarf. I think I said Panthro twice. I won't do that every time. Yes, we are the Thundercats. This is our battle cry. I love you guys. You are my best friends, and I am Lion-O and I am a Thundercat, and you guys are Thundercats too. Mumm Ra is not a Thundercat, he's bad and we're gonna win against him, because we are the Thundercats, and the Thundercats are here for you today because we are the Thundercats yeah, I'm Lion-O&quot;. I hope you write that down.
:'''Snarf''': I liked it. ''[Wilykat slaps him]'' OW!

===Legion of Super-Gyros [7.05]===
:''[With Grover and Oscar the Grouch]''
:'''Grover''': Oh boy, it sure is a great day here on Sesame Street!
:'''Oscar''': Yeah, especially since we're the last neighborhood in New York that hasn't been gentrified.
:'''Grover''': Until today, because our special guest is Hannah Horvath from the marginally popular but ignored in the flyover states HBO series, Girls!
:'''Hannah''': Hey, do you know where I could find a cocaine dealer/organic Vietnamese taco truck around here?
:'''Oscar''': ''[Bleep]'' me! ''[gets back inside his trash can]''
:'''Hannah''': ''[feels Grover]'' Ooh, you're so cute! ''[later that night]'' I really love how you don't play games, Grover.
:'''Grover''': Oh but I play lots of games, patty cake, and marco polo...Ugh!
:'''Hannah''': ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jacking off]'' Insult my parents! Oh yeah!
:'''Grover''': Woah! ''[scene cuts to him and Hannah learning about numbers with apples]'' Today, we are going to learn about the number 3, I have 3 apples!
:'''Hannah''': And I know 3 girls who were date raped at the same bar on 6th street.
:'''Grover''': That is sad. ''[Hannah eats the apple]'' Uh...you're eating my props.
:'''Hannah''': I'm proud of my body.
:'''Grover''': I know, I know.
:'''Hannah''': Ugh! Yeah! ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jerking off again]''
:'''Grover''': Oh, God!

===El Skeletorio [7.06]===
:'''Crypt Keeper''': Oh, hello! I was just enjoying the latest best &quot;heller&quot;! ''[laughs evilly, but then rips off book cover]'' This is actually Dan Brown's &quot;Inferno.&quot; It's a piece of shit. Our next tale is something of an &quot;alle-gory&quot;! You might say it's a &quot;meta-gore&quot;! Let's just roll it.
:''[Cuts to the outside of Bitch Pudding's house, where the title of the sketch appears. We cut to inside the hpuse, where Bitch Pudding is sleeping]''
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out. Get out of the house. Get out of the hou-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Why don't you get your tongue out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole so I can jam your mama's ''[bleep]'' up there, you ''[bleep]''-gargling pile of monkey spunk? Nothing to say now, huh?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': There's just a lot to unpack there.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Well, wake me up when you figure it out, ''[bleep]'' stick. ''[goes back to sleep]''
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding goes to her fridge when she sees the chairs and flower pot of her table are now completely deformed]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed, she flips them over and destroys them]'' BLAM! Where's your ''[bleep]''-ass art project now, ''[bleep]'' nut?
:'''Ghostly voice''': It wasn't supposed to be art, it was supposed to scare you! God! Forget it! I'm leaving! ''[cuts to Strawberry Shortcake's house, where she is sleeping]'' Strawberry Shortcake!
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': ''[wakes up]'' Huh? What?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out of the house!
:''[A red substance begins to ooze out of the walls, causing Strawberry Shortcake to scream in fear]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[breaks in through the window]'' Hey, ''[bleep]''ing clown, if you're ragging so bad, why don't you take your mama's tampon out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole and lick it clean before you shove it up your ''[bleep]''?!
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Hey, stop talking about my dad's ''[bleep]''hole! I'll-I'll leave town, okay? Oh, FYI, that isn't blood, that is strawberry jam, m'lady. The insulation is leaking. All I did was turn the painting upside down. Live with it.
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': Do you think he was right about the insulation? That could be berry expensive.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hmm, let's see. That depends on whether I give a ''[bleep]'', ''[bleep]'' tits! ''[make a fanfare noise]'' Bitch Pudding! BLAM! ''[jumps out the window]''
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': I should really move.

===Snarfer Image [7.07]===
:''[Ticking, cuts to Elmer Fudd in a field]''
:'''Elmer Fudd:'' ''[narrating]'' Time travel has not been invented yet, ''[cocks his gun]'' but in 30 years, it will be. ''[gunshot]'' In the future, TV networks don't awwow cartoons to have guns, so if they want to kill someone, they send them back here to me. My name is Elmer Fudd, and I'm a Wooper. ''[Title Card: Wooper]'' The only wule is never let your target escape, even if your target is you.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': ''[appears in the field]'' What are you waiting for? Shoot me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': What?!
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': In the future, they don't let me have a gun! That was my one dimension as a character! Know what I did yesterday? I slept for 15 hours and then beat it to a Weader's Digest! Help me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': I can't.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': Come on, give it to me. ''[crying]'' Pleeeease. ''[gunshot]''
:'''Yosemite Sam''': ''[appears in the field]'' I'll have what he's having. ''[gunshot]''
:''[Cuts to Porky Pig on the Looney Tunes circles. The words &quot;That's all, folks!&quot; appear in front]''
:'''Porky Pig''': Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-...That's all, folks! ''[gunshot]''

===Up, Up, and Buffet [7.08]===
===Panthropologie [7.09]===
===Catdog on a Stick [7.10]===
===Super Guitaro Center [7.11]===
===Noidstrom Rack [7.12]===
===Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13]===
===Walking Dead Lobster [7.14]===
===Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15]===
===Bitch Pudding Special [7.16]===
===Batman Forever 21 [7.17]===
===The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's [7.18]===
===Chipotle Miserables [7.19]===
===The Robot Chicken Lots of Holidays But Don't Worry Christmas is Still In There Too so Pull the Stick Out of Your Ass Fox News Special [7.20]===</text>
      <sha1>3hlxqszvqr0r5tgcdyn6v1m09ew2jck</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147744</id>
      <parentid>3147722</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T20:30:52Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Up, Up, and Buffet [7.08] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="16839" xml:space="preserve">===G.I. Jogurt [7.01]===
:''[At the Emmy Awards, a G.I. Joe PSA of Roadblock talking to two children is shown on the big screen]''
:'''Roadblock''': I don't know why a 7-year-old would need to deep fry a turkey, but know you know how.
:'''Children''': And knowing is half the battle.
:''[The PSA ends with the &quot;G.I. Joe&quot; jingle]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Be a Turkey on Thanksgiving&quot;.
:''[The G.I. Joes clap, and Duke kisses Scarlett before he heads up with Roadblock to collect their award, while COBRA Commander and Destro watch on from the cheap seats]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': Look at them, Destro. The Joes churn out pedestrian advice to dead-eyed children, and the public eats it up! ''[mocking the Joes]'' &quot;Hey, kids, don't play with fallen electrical lines.&quot; ''[normal voice]'' Reads like a dispatch from the no-shit clinic.
:'''Destro''': I'll get the nerve gas.
:'''COBRA Commander''': No, you fool. We'll beat them at their own game. ''[clenching his fist]'' We'll create our own PSAs!
:''[Cut to COBRA Commander, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, and the Crimson Twins in the briefing room at COBRA Headquarters]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': OK, OK, let's just throw some ideas out there. This is a safe creative place. Dr. Mindbender, go.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Well, I thought our PSA could communicate an idea non-verbally. I've discovered that painting directly on celluloid creates a sort of &quot;tone poem&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Holy ''[bleep]'', that's sounds terrible. I'm sorry, safe place, but holy shit, that was fucking dumb. Next!
:'''Baroness''': ''[enters the room]'' Oh, I forgot you guys were in here writing. I was just looking for a hammer to hang my degree in screenwriting from Aberdeen. Anything I can do for you while I'm in here? ''[looks at him]'' Destro?
:'''Destro''': She's actually really funny, you guys.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Hey, you lost me at &quot;She's&quot;. ''[Bleep'' it! We're doing it without a script.
:''[Cut to the set of COBRA's PSAs, as Destro supervises, Storm Shadow is having his makeup done by one COBRA soldier, and two more soldiers move a camera. Dr. Mindbender enters the set with a group of children]''
:'''Destro''': Dr. Mindbender, you found four young children for our PSAs.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Uh, yes. ''[puts his arms around the children]'' That is what these kidnapped children are for.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[talking to Storm Shadow, who is reading his lines]'' OK, Storm Shadow, these two children will be running with scissors. Now, this upsets you, and you...
:'''Storm Shadow''': Why?
:'''COBRA Commander''': It's dangerous to run with scissors.
:'''Storm Shadow''': I run with Katana. Is that not dangerous?
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow, I hadn't thought of that. Excellent point, Storm Shadow. ''[whispers to Tomax]'' Get this piece of ''[bleep]'' off my set!
:''[One of the children runs past, giggling while running with scissors, but ends up getting killed by Storm Shadow]''
:'''Storm Shadow''': Well, COBRA Commander, it looks like I owe you an apology.
:''[First COBRA PSA: Serpentor telling children about using supplies only at the post office]''
:'''Serpentor''': So, remember, only take supplies if you'll use them for post office business. Any other use is a felony.
:'''Boy''': Now I'm aware.
:'''Serpentor''': ''[putting his arms around the children and smiling]'' And awareness is the second 50% of the conflict in question. ''[beat]'' Somebody say ''[bleep]''ing &quot;Cut&quot;!
:''[Second COBRA PSA: COBRA Commander tells children about the joys of reading]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': And I think you'll find it's not hard to read when you take the time to sssssssssound it out. ''[both children giggle]'' Oh, yesss, I've got a sssmall ssspeech impediment. ''[both children laugh; irritated]'' It'sss not funny! ''[removes his mask, as the children scream and run away, only for the Commander to shoot them dead]'' Shut. It. Down.
:''[At the next Emmy Awards...]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Star in a COBRA PSA&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[shaking his fist]'' What?!
:'''Destro''': ''[shouting over to the troops]'' Pump the nerve gas!

===Link's Sausages [7.02]===
:''[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are standing in the street]''
:'''Tommy Pickles''': ''[holding his Reptar doll]'' Well, after crossing the freeway, base jumping off a cliff, and dodging bullets in a gang war, we finally found my Reptar doll.
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enters the street, finding the babies]'' Tommy! What are you doing in the street?!
:''[Cut to the Pickles' house]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, thank God! They've been lost for hours! Where were they?
:'''Didi Pickles''': Stu, a word?  ''[they walk into the kitchen, their voices get muffled as they talk with the door shut]'' What the ''[bleep]'', Stu?!
:'''Stu Pickles''': Well, I'm sorry. The babies escaped, and I-
:'''Didi Pickles''': Escaped?! They're babies, you sackless moron!
:'''Stu Pickles''': I was downstairs, working on a new toy, and they just-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, a new toy! Never mind, then!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[tearing up]'' Didi, if you keep ridiculing my work, I-I swear to God-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enraged]'' What?! You'll hit me?! Ooh, you're such a man!
:''[Thudding and crashing are heard as Didi violently beats Stu offscreen]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': Didi, stop!
:'''Didi Pickles''': I'll be the man! See, Stu?! I'm the man!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[sobbing]'' I want a divorce!
:''[The babies look devastated as the screen cut to static]''

===Secret of the Booze [7.03]===
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf shaving his beard in his house]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': I don't usually get involved in day-to-day operations, so I'm smurfing undercover. They'll never smurf it's me. ''[chuckles; takes off his pants]'' Ohh, I haven't smurfed these things off in nearly 300 years! Talk about crotch rot!
:''[Title Card: Undercover Smurf Boss]''
:'''Farmer Smurf''': So, you're my new intern, huh?
:'''Papa Smurf''': That's right, Farmer Smurf. Teach me to care about your sad, little life...I mean your noble and fulfilling, uh, career choice.
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Well, Smurfs are a thirsty bunch, so we got to smurf them fresh milk every day!
:''[A giant caterpillar slithers in and turns onto its side, revealing its udders]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[being filmed]'' We've been drinking CATERPILLAR MILK?! ''[milks the giant caterpillar, his hands getting sore]'' Oh, this is agony. It feels like my hands are gonna smurf off!
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Yep, my carpal tunnel got so bad, they had to fuse my wrist bones in place!
:'''Papa Smurf''': But our healthcare is smurfy, right?
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Eh, my deductible is 2,000 smurfberries.
:'''Papa Smurf''': WHAT?! ''[cash register dings]''
:''[Title Card: 1 Smurfberry = 1.78 USD]''
:''[Scene cuts to the Smurf Hospital. Doctor Smurf packs his medical bag]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': Doctor Smurf, why are deductibles so high?
:'''Doctor Smurf''': Boy, you smurf a lot of uppity questions for an intern. Uh, just treat the next patient while I go for a Jamba Juice run in my gold-plated helicopter.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Actually, I'm not really qualified.
:''[Outside the window, Doctor Smurf takes off in his gold-plated helicopter. Door opens, Smurfette and Handy Smurf enter the room]''
:'''Smurfette''': We need Doctor Smurf! Handy had an accident!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Did someone get a sliver? ''[Handy shows his bleeding hand, missing all of his fingers]'' OH MY SMURFING GOD!!!
:'''Handy Smurf''': I sawed right through a load-bearing mushroom! Half our building materials are fungus! Oh, trade school didn't prepare me for this!
:'''Smurfette''': You can smurf his fingers, right, nurse?
:'''Papa Smurf''': I'll certainly try. ''[being filmed]'' I certainly tried.
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf sewing Handy's fingers while Handy lies dead on the table]''
:'''Smurfette''': ''[crying]'' You can probably stop sewing.
:'''Papa Smurf''': No, no, no. I-I'm gonna get this. ''[walks up to Grouchy Smurf]'' So, Grouchy Smurf, how's the coffee today?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate coffee!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh! Okay. But how do you like working here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate working here.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh, goodness. Okay. Well, is there anything that maybe Papa Smurf could do?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate Papa Smurf!
:'''Papa Smurf''': All right, what exactly do you do around here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I-I hate stuff?
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[puts on his red hat]'' I'm being deadly serious.
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I...I... ''[cuts to him, shoveling dog poop outside]'' I hate shoveling dog ''[bleep]''.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Well, now that's actually an appropriate reaction. Carry on, dog-''[bleep]'' Smurf! ''[leaves]''
:''[More dog poop falls from above, next to Grouchy]''

===Rebel Appliance [7.04]===
:'''Lion-O''': My fellow Thundercats! When danger is near, I shall hold the Sword of Omens aloft and yell out a battle cry
:'''Cheetara''': What shall our battle cry be, Lion-O?
:'''Lion-O''': &quot;Thunder, thunder, thunder, thundercats, I need you because evil is near, and we are friends, and we are a team. So we must come together and fight because the Eye of Thundera is in the sky, and it is summoning everyone together. So please come here Panthro and Tygra and Panthro and also Cheetara and also Wilykit and Wilicat and also Snarf. I think I said Panthro twice. I won't do that every time. Yes, we are the Thundercats. This is our battle cry. I love you guys. You are my best friends, and I am Lion-O and I am a Thundercat, and you guys are Thundercats too. Mumm Ra is not a Thundercat, he's bad and we're gonna win against him, because we are the Thundercats, and the Thundercats are here for you today because we are the Thundercats yeah, I'm Lion-O&quot;. I hope you write that down.
:'''Snarf''': I liked it. ''[Wilykat slaps him]'' OW!

===Legion of Super-Gyros [7.05]===
:''[With Grover and Oscar the Grouch]''
:'''Grover''': Oh boy, it sure is a great day here on Sesame Street!
:'''Oscar''': Yeah, especially since we're the last neighborhood in New York that hasn't been gentrified.
:'''Grover''': Until today, because our special guest is Hannah Horvath from the marginally popular but ignored in the flyover states HBO series, Girls!
:'''Hannah''': Hey, do you know where I could find a cocaine dealer/organic Vietnamese taco truck around here?
:'''Oscar''': ''[Bleep]'' me! ''[gets back inside his trash can]''
:'''Hannah''': ''[feels Grover]'' Ooh, you're so cute! ''[later that night]'' I really love how you don't play games, Grover.
:'''Grover''': Oh but I play lots of games, patty cake, and marco polo...Ugh!
:'''Hannah''': ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jacking off]'' Insult my parents! Oh yeah!
:'''Grover''': Woah! ''[scene cuts to him and Hannah learning about numbers with apples]'' Today, we are going to learn about the number 3, I have 3 apples!
:'''Hannah''': And I know 3 girls who were date raped at the same bar on 6th street.
:'''Grover''': That is sad. ''[Hannah eats the apple]'' Uh...you're eating my props.
:'''Hannah''': I'm proud of my body.
:'''Grover''': I know, I know.
:'''Hannah''': Ugh! Yeah! ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jerking off again]''
:'''Grover''': Oh, God!

===El Skeletorio [7.06]===
:'''Crypt Keeper''': Oh, hello! I was just enjoying the latest best &quot;heller&quot;! ''[laughs evilly, but then rips off book cover]'' This is actually Dan Brown's &quot;Inferno.&quot; It's a piece of shit. Our next tale is something of an &quot;alle-gory&quot;! You might say it's a &quot;meta-gore&quot;! Let's just roll it.
:''[Cuts to the outside of Bitch Pudding's house, where the title of the sketch appears. We cut to inside the hpuse, where Bitch Pudding is sleeping]''
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out. Get out of the house. Get out of the hou-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Why don't you get your tongue out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole so I can jam your mama's ''[bleep]'' up there, you ''[bleep]''-gargling pile of monkey spunk? Nothing to say now, huh?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': There's just a lot to unpack there.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Well, wake me up when you figure it out, ''[bleep]'' stick. ''[goes back to sleep]''
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding goes to her fridge when she sees the chairs and flower pot of her table are now completely deformed]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed, she flips them over and destroys them]'' BLAM! Where's your ''[bleep]''-ass art project now, ''[bleep]'' nut?
:'''Ghostly voice''': It wasn't supposed to be art, it was supposed to scare you! God! Forget it! I'm leaving! ''[cuts to Strawberry Shortcake's house, where she is sleeping]'' Strawberry Shortcake!
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': ''[wakes up]'' Huh? What?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out of the house!
:''[A red substance begins to ooze out of the walls, causing Strawberry Shortcake to scream in fear]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[breaks in through the window]'' Hey, ''[bleep]''ing clown, if you're ragging so bad, why don't you take your mama's tampon out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole and lick it clean before you shove it up your ''[bleep]''?!
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Hey, stop talking about my dad's ''[bleep]''hole! I'll-I'll leave town, okay? Oh, FYI, that isn't blood, that is strawberry jam, m'lady. The insulation is leaking. All I did was turn the painting upside down. Live with it.
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': Do you think he was right about the insulation? That could be berry expensive.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hmm, let's see. That depends on whether I give a ''[bleep]'', ''[bleep]'' tits! ''[make a fanfare noise]'' Bitch Pudding! BLAM! ''[jumps out the window]''
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': I should really move.

===Snarfer Image [7.07]===
:''[Ticking, cuts to Elmer Fudd in a field]''
:'''Elmer Fudd:'' ''[narrating]'' Time travel has not been invented yet, ''[cocks his gun]'' but in 30 years, it will be. ''[gunshot]'' In the future, TV networks don't awwow cartoons to have guns, so if they want to kill someone, they send them back here to me. My name is Elmer Fudd, and I'm a Wooper. ''[Title Card: Wooper]'' The only wule is never let your target escape, even if your target is you.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': ''[appears in the field]'' What are you waiting for? Shoot me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': What?!
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': In the future, they don't let me have a gun! That was my one dimension as a character! Know what I did yesterday? I slept for 15 hours and then beat it to a Weader's Digest! Help me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': I can't.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': Come on, give it to me. ''[crying]'' Pleeeease. ''[gunshot]''
:'''Yosemite Sam''': ''[appears in the field]'' I'll have what he's having. ''[gunshot]''
:''[Cuts to Porky Pig on the Looney Tunes circles. The words &quot;That's all, folks!&quot; appear in front]''
:'''Porky Pig''': Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-...That's all, folks! ''[gunshot]''

===Up, Up, and Buffet [7.08]===
:'''Fiona''': The spell has broken! This was my true form all along! I can't wait to marry you, Shrek!
:'''Shrek''': Marry you?
:'''Fiona''': Well, yeah! Since we look the same now, we'll live happily ever after!
:'''Shrek''': Fiona, every morning, I look at myself in the mirror, and I wish my mother had the courage to throw me in the river when I was born. Then I make my way to the putrid swamps, the only place on God's green Earth a monster like me feels at home. Sometimes, children gather to scream at me. &quot;Monster!  Animal!&quot;, they yell. Then someone screams, &quot;Kill yourself!&quot; and it takes a few seconds to realize the voice is coming from my own mouth! By then, I've made my way to the old hanging tree. Before I have time to think about it, I'm wrapping a vine around my own neck. It goes &quot;tot&quot; and I pray to the gods that this time, the vine will hold! But alas, everyday, I wake up in my own filth and I lie there and I cry. I cry because I'll live to see my face again! So nay, marrying a lass with a face as hideous as my own is not on my to-do list!
:'''Fiona''':''[with her mouth full]'' Have you tried these mini cheeseburgers? They're great! ''[sees Shrek hanging from a noose, and to Shrek's disappointment, the noose snaps]''

===Panthropologie [7.09]===
===Catdog on a Stick [7.10]===
===Super Guitaro Center [7.11]===
===Noidstrom Rack [7.12]===
===Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13]===
===Walking Dead Lobster [7.14]===
===Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15]===
===Bitch Pudding Special [7.16]===
===Batman Forever 21 [7.17]===
===The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's [7.18]===
===Chipotle Miserables [7.19]===
===The Robot Chicken Lots of Holidays But Don't Worry Christmas is Still In There Too so Pull the Stick Out of Your Ass Fox News Special [7.20]===</text>
      <sha1>qbqf8bghsizgfyfb57v52nb2911zsst</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147750</id>
      <parentid>3147744</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T20:51:41Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Panthropologie [7.09] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="20526" xml:space="preserve">===G.I. Jogurt [7.01]===
:''[At the Emmy Awards, a G.I. Joe PSA of Roadblock talking to two children is shown on the big screen]''
:'''Roadblock''': I don't know why a 7-year-old would need to deep fry a turkey, but know you know how.
:'''Children''': And knowing is half the battle.
:''[The PSA ends with the &quot;G.I. Joe&quot; jingle]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Be a Turkey on Thanksgiving&quot;.
:''[The G.I. Joes clap, and Duke kisses Scarlett before he heads up with Roadblock to collect their award, while COBRA Commander and Destro watch on from the cheap seats]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': Look at them, Destro. The Joes churn out pedestrian advice to dead-eyed children, and the public eats it up! ''[mocking the Joes]'' &quot;Hey, kids, don't play with fallen electrical lines.&quot; ''[normal voice]'' Reads like a dispatch from the no-shit clinic.
:'''Destro''': I'll get the nerve gas.
:'''COBRA Commander''': No, you fool. We'll beat them at their own game. ''[clenching his fist]'' We'll create our own PSAs!
:''[Cut to COBRA Commander, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, and the Crimson Twins in the briefing room at COBRA Headquarters]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': OK, OK, let's just throw some ideas out there. This is a safe creative place. Dr. Mindbender, go.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Well, I thought our PSA could communicate an idea non-verbally. I've discovered that painting directly on celluloid creates a sort of &quot;tone poem&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Holy ''[bleep]'', that's sounds terrible. I'm sorry, safe place, but holy shit, that was fucking dumb. Next!
:'''Baroness''': ''[enters the room]'' Oh, I forgot you guys were in here writing. I was just looking for a hammer to hang my degree in screenwriting from Aberdeen. Anything I can do for you while I'm in here? ''[looks at him]'' Destro?
:'''Destro''': She's actually really funny, you guys.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Hey, you lost me at &quot;She's&quot;. ''[Bleep'' it! We're doing it without a script.
:''[Cut to the set of COBRA's PSAs, as Destro supervises, Storm Shadow is having his makeup done by one COBRA soldier, and two more soldiers move a camera. Dr. Mindbender enters the set with a group of children]''
:'''Destro''': Dr. Mindbender, you found four young children for our PSAs.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Uh, yes. ''[puts his arms around the children]'' That is what these kidnapped children are for.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[talking to Storm Shadow, who is reading his lines]'' OK, Storm Shadow, these two children will be running with scissors. Now, this upsets you, and you...
:'''Storm Shadow''': Why?
:'''COBRA Commander''': It's dangerous to run with scissors.
:'''Storm Shadow''': I run with Katana. Is that not dangerous?
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow, I hadn't thought of that. Excellent point, Storm Shadow. ''[whispers to Tomax]'' Get this piece of ''[bleep]'' off my set!
:''[One of the children runs past, giggling while running with scissors, but ends up getting killed by Storm Shadow]''
:'''Storm Shadow''': Well, COBRA Commander, it looks like I owe you an apology.
:''[First COBRA PSA: Serpentor telling children about using supplies only at the post office]''
:'''Serpentor''': So, remember, only take supplies if you'll use them for post office business. Any other use is a felony.
:'''Boy''': Now I'm aware.
:'''Serpentor''': ''[putting his arms around the children and smiling]'' And awareness is the second 50% of the conflict in question. ''[beat]'' Somebody say ''[bleep]''ing &quot;Cut&quot;!
:''[Second COBRA PSA: COBRA Commander tells children about the joys of reading]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': And I think you'll find it's not hard to read when you take the time to sssssssssound it out. ''[both children giggle]'' Oh, yesss, I've got a sssmall ssspeech impediment. ''[both children laugh; irritated]'' It'sss not funny! ''[removes his mask, as the children scream and run away, only for the Commander to shoot them dead]'' Shut. It. Down.
:''[At the next Emmy Awards...]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Star in a COBRA PSA&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[shaking his fist]'' What?!
:'''Destro''': ''[shouting over to the troops]'' Pump the nerve gas!

===Link's Sausages [7.02]===
:''[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are standing in the street]''
:'''Tommy Pickles''': ''[holding his Reptar doll]'' Well, after crossing the freeway, base jumping off a cliff, and dodging bullets in a gang war, we finally found my Reptar doll.
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enters the street, finding the babies]'' Tommy! What are you doing in the street?!
:''[Cut to the Pickles' house]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, thank God! They've been lost for hours! Where were they?
:'''Didi Pickles''': Stu, a word?  ''[they walk into the kitchen, their voices get muffled as they talk with the door shut]'' What the ''[bleep]'', Stu?!
:'''Stu Pickles''': Well, I'm sorry. The babies escaped, and I-
:'''Didi Pickles''': Escaped?! They're babies, you sackless moron!
:'''Stu Pickles''': I was downstairs, working on a new toy, and they just-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, a new toy! Never mind, then!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[tearing up]'' Didi, if you keep ridiculing my work, I-I swear to God-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enraged]'' What?! You'll hit me?! Ooh, you're such a man!
:''[Thudding and crashing are heard as Didi violently beats Stu offscreen]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': Didi, stop!
:'''Didi Pickles''': I'll be the man! See, Stu?! I'm the man!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[sobbing]'' I want a divorce!
:''[The babies look devastated as the screen cut to static]''

===Secret of the Booze [7.03]===
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf shaving his beard in his house]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': I don't usually get involved in day-to-day operations, so I'm smurfing undercover. They'll never smurf it's me. ''[chuckles; takes off his pants]'' Ohh, I haven't smurfed these things off in nearly 300 years! Talk about crotch rot!
:''[Title Card: Undercover Smurf Boss]''
:'''Farmer Smurf''': So, you're my new intern, huh?
:'''Papa Smurf''': That's right, Farmer Smurf. Teach me to care about your sad, little life...I mean your noble and fulfilling, uh, career choice.
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Well, Smurfs are a thirsty bunch, so we got to smurf them fresh milk every day!
:''[A giant caterpillar slithers in and turns onto its side, revealing its udders]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[being filmed]'' We've been drinking CATERPILLAR MILK?! ''[milks the giant caterpillar, his hands getting sore]'' Oh, this is agony. It feels like my hands are gonna smurf off!
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Yep, my carpal tunnel got so bad, they had to fuse my wrist bones in place!
:'''Papa Smurf''': But our healthcare is smurfy, right?
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Eh, my deductible is 2,000 smurfberries.
:'''Papa Smurf''': WHAT?! ''[cash register dings]''
:''[Title Card: 1 Smurfberry = 1.78 USD]''
:''[Scene cuts to the Smurf Hospital. Doctor Smurf packs his medical bag]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': Doctor Smurf, why are deductibles so high?
:'''Doctor Smurf''': Boy, you smurf a lot of uppity questions for an intern. Uh, just treat the next patient while I go for a Jamba Juice run in my gold-plated helicopter.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Actually, I'm not really qualified.
:''[Outside the window, Doctor Smurf takes off in his gold-plated helicopter. Door opens, Smurfette and Handy Smurf enter the room]''
:'''Smurfette''': We need Doctor Smurf! Handy had an accident!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Did someone get a sliver? ''[Handy shows his bleeding hand, missing all of his fingers]'' OH MY SMURFING GOD!!!
:'''Handy Smurf''': I sawed right through a load-bearing mushroom! Half our building materials are fungus! Oh, trade school didn't prepare me for this!
:'''Smurfette''': You can smurf his fingers, right, nurse?
:'''Papa Smurf''': I'll certainly try. ''[being filmed]'' I certainly tried.
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf sewing Handy's fingers while Handy lies dead on the table]''
:'''Smurfette''': ''[crying]'' You can probably stop sewing.
:'''Papa Smurf''': No, no, no. I-I'm gonna get this. ''[walks up to Grouchy Smurf]'' So, Grouchy Smurf, how's the coffee today?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate coffee!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh! Okay. But how do you like working here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate working here.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh, goodness. Okay. Well, is there anything that maybe Papa Smurf could do?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate Papa Smurf!
:'''Papa Smurf''': All right, what exactly do you do around here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I-I hate stuff?
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[puts on his red hat]'' I'm being deadly serious.
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I...I... ''[cuts to him, shoveling dog poop outside]'' I hate shoveling dog ''[bleep]''.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Well, now that's actually an appropriate reaction. Carry on, dog-''[bleep]'' Smurf! ''[leaves]''
:''[More dog poop falls from above, next to Grouchy]''

===Rebel Appliance [7.04]===
:'''Lion-O''': My fellow Thundercats! When danger is near, I shall hold the Sword of Omens aloft and yell out a battle cry
:'''Cheetara''': What shall our battle cry be, Lion-O?
:'''Lion-O''': &quot;Thunder, thunder, thunder, thundercats, I need you because evil is near, and we are friends, and we are a team. So we must come together and fight because the Eye of Thundera is in the sky, and it is summoning everyone together. So please come here Panthro and Tygra and Panthro and also Cheetara and also Wilykit and Wilicat and also Snarf. I think I said Panthro twice. I won't do that every time. Yes, we are the Thundercats. This is our battle cry. I love you guys. You are my best friends, and I am Lion-O and I am a Thundercat, and you guys are Thundercats too. Mumm Ra is not a Thundercat, he's bad and we're gonna win against him, because we are the Thundercats, and the Thundercats are here for you today because we are the Thundercats yeah, I'm Lion-O&quot;. I hope you write that down.
:'''Snarf''': I liked it. ''[Wilykat slaps him]'' OW!

===Legion of Super-Gyros [7.05]===
:''[With Grover and Oscar the Grouch]''
:'''Grover''': Oh boy, it sure is a great day here on Sesame Street!
:'''Oscar''': Yeah, especially since we're the last neighborhood in New York that hasn't been gentrified.
:'''Grover''': Until today, because our special guest is Hannah Horvath from the marginally popular but ignored in the flyover states HBO series, Girls!
:'''Hannah''': Hey, do you know where I could find a cocaine dealer/organic Vietnamese taco truck around here?
:'''Oscar''': ''[Bleep]'' me! ''[gets back inside his trash can]''
:'''Hannah''': ''[feels Grover]'' Ooh, you're so cute! ''[later that night]'' I really love how you don't play games, Grover.
:'''Grover''': Oh but I play lots of games, patty cake, and marco polo...Ugh!
:'''Hannah''': ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jacking off]'' Insult my parents! Oh yeah!
:'''Grover''': Woah! ''[scene cuts to him and Hannah learning about numbers with apples]'' Today, we are going to learn about the number 3, I have 3 apples!
:'''Hannah''': And I know 3 girls who were date raped at the same bar on 6th street.
:'''Grover''': That is sad. ''[Hannah eats the apple]'' Uh...you're eating my props.
:'''Hannah''': I'm proud of my body.
:'''Grover''': I know, I know.
:'''Hannah''': Ugh! Yeah! ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jerking off again]''
:'''Grover''': Oh, God!

===El Skeletorio [7.06]===
:'''Crypt Keeper''': Oh, hello! I was just enjoying the latest best &quot;heller&quot;! ''[laughs evilly, but then rips off book cover]'' This is actually Dan Brown's &quot;Inferno.&quot; It's a piece of shit. Our next tale is something of an &quot;alle-gory&quot;! You might say it's a &quot;meta-gore&quot;! Let's just roll it.
:''[Cuts to the outside of Bitch Pudding's house, where the title of the sketch appears. We cut to inside the hpuse, where Bitch Pudding is sleeping]''
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out. Get out of the house. Get out of the hou-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Why don't you get your tongue out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole so I can jam your mama's ''[bleep]'' up there, you ''[bleep]''-gargling pile of monkey spunk? Nothing to say now, huh?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': There's just a lot to unpack there.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Well, wake me up when you figure it out, ''[bleep]'' stick. ''[goes back to sleep]''
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding goes to her fridge when she sees the chairs and flower pot of her table are now completely deformed]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed, she flips them over and destroys them]'' BLAM! Where's your ''[bleep]''-ass art project now, ''[bleep]'' nut?
:'''Ghostly voice''': It wasn't supposed to be art, it was supposed to scare you! God! Forget it! I'm leaving! ''[cuts to Strawberry Shortcake's house, where she is sleeping]'' Strawberry Shortcake!
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': ''[wakes up]'' Huh? What?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out of the house!
:''[A red substance begins to ooze out of the walls, causing Strawberry Shortcake to scream in fear]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[breaks in through the window]'' Hey, ''[bleep]''ing clown, if you're ragging so bad, why don't you take your mama's tampon out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole and lick it clean before you shove it up your ''[bleep]''?!
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Hey, stop talking about my dad's ''[bleep]''hole! I'll-I'll leave town, okay? Oh, FYI, that isn't blood, that is strawberry jam, m'lady. The insulation is leaking. All I did was turn the painting upside down. Live with it.
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': Do you think he was right about the insulation? That could be berry expensive.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hmm, let's see. That depends on whether I give a ''[bleep]'', ''[bleep]'' tits! ''[make a fanfare noise]'' Bitch Pudding! BLAM! ''[jumps out the window]''
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': I should really move.

===Snarfer Image [7.07]===
:''[Ticking, cuts to Elmer Fudd in a field]''
:'''Elmer Fudd:'' ''[narrating]'' Time travel has not been invented yet, ''[cocks his gun]'' but in 30 years, it will be. ''[gunshot]'' In the future, TV networks don't awwow cartoons to have guns, so if they want to kill someone, they send them back here to me. My name is Elmer Fudd, and I'm a Wooper. ''[Title Card: Wooper]'' The only wule is never let your target escape, even if your target is you.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': ''[appears in the field]'' What are you waiting for? Shoot me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': What?!
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': In the future, they don't let me have a gun! That was my one dimension as a character! Know what I did yesterday? I slept for 15 hours and then beat it to a Weader's Digest! Help me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': I can't.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': Come on, give it to me. ''[crying]'' Pleeeease. ''[gunshot]''
:'''Yosemite Sam''': ''[appears in the field]'' I'll have what he's having. ''[gunshot]''
:''[Cuts to Porky Pig on the Looney Tunes circles. The words &quot;That's all, folks!&quot; appear in front]''
:'''Porky Pig''': Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-...That's all, folks! ''[gunshot]''

===Up, Up, and Buffet [7.08]===
:'''Fiona''': The spell has broken! This was my true form all along! I can't wait to marry you, Shrek!
:'''Shrek''': Marry you?
:'''Fiona''': Well, yeah! Since we look the same now, we'll live happily ever after!
:'''Shrek''': Fiona, every morning, I look at myself in the mirror, and I wish my mother had the courage to throw me in the river when I was born. Then I make my way to the putrid swamps, the only place on God's green Earth a monster like me feels at home. Sometimes, children gather to scream at me. &quot;Monster!  Animal!&quot;, they yell. Then someone screams, &quot;Kill yourself!&quot; and it takes a few seconds to realize the voice is coming from my own mouth! By then, I've made my way to the old hanging tree. Before I have time to think about it, I'm wrapping a vine around my own neck. It goes &quot;tot&quot; and I pray to the gods that this time, the vine will hold! But alas, everyday, I wake up in my own filth and I lie there and I cry. I cry because I'll live to see my face again! So nay, marrying a lass with a face as hideous as my own is not on my to-do list!
:'''Fiona''':''[with her mouth full]'' Have you tried these mini cheeseburgers? They're great! ''[sees Shrek hanging from a noose, and to Shrek's disappointment, the noose snaps]''

===Panthropologie [7.09]===
:''[Caption: LEGO City, 2014]''
:'''Wife''': Honey, look out! Cliche!
:'''Gerry''': Huh? ''[all screaming]'' What's happening?!
:'''Cop''': Kre-O! They're everywh- Aah! ''[gets torn apart by the Kre-O's]''
:'''Wife''': There's something wrong with them. They look like us but different!
:'''General''': ''[lands in the helicopter]'' This way! Hurry! Your life has more value than other people! ''[the Lanes get onto the helicopter]'' Gerry, we need your expertise!
:'''Gerry''': My expertise? I'm not a soldier!
:'''General''': Gerry, we need a lawyer.
:''[Title Card: WORLD WAR B (as in blocks)]''
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': Put simply, Gerry, we're being invaded by imitation blocks.
:'''Assistant''': Off-brand products with a taste for LEGO blood!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': They're nearly identical but different. Wrong. Like when you sit on your hand until it goes to sleep. You try to pretend Flo from the Progressive commercials is giving you an HJ, but you know it's not Flo. You know that! She'd never be so clumsy, so artless.
:'''General''': That's impossible! We're trademarked!
:'''Gerry''': No, general. LEGO bricks aren't protected by trademark. They're protected by patent.
:'''General''': Hell, man, what's the difference?
:'''Gerry''': The difference is...patents expire! Cool! Someone turned that legal document into a GIF. That's fun.
:'''General''': Isn't it &quot;jiff&quot;? Anyway, how do we stop it?
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': There's nothing we can do. ''[whispering]'' Don't worry, Flo. I'll protect you.
:'''Assistant''': Don't worry, girl from the Wendy's commercials.
:'''General''': Don't worry, GEICO gecko.
:''[Cut to the map]''
:'''Gerry''': ''[narrating]'' They covered the whole globe in no time: Mega Bloks, Kre-O, Best-Lock, CoCo, BanBao, Rokenbok, Super Blocks, and Leggo with two g's, which was especially insulting.
:''[Caption: Lego Headquarters, Denmark]''
:''[Zombies groaning]''
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' LEGO my baby, LEGO my honey, LEGO my ragtime gal...
:'''Son''': Daddy, are we safe?
:'''Gerry''': Of course we are, son. People are singing, aren't they? Ugh. That is the lowest form of music.
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' ...Honey, you'll lose me, then you'll be left alone...
:''[Zombies groaning loudly]''
:'''Gerry''': The terrible singing! They're attracted to the terrible singing! ''[the zombies start climbing over the walls. Gerry knocks out the quartet. Soldiers start shooting]'' Ohh! - Ow! Fire! Fire! They're too fast!-Ohh!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': ''[runs in with the syringe]'' Gerry, I've found a way to camouflage ourselves!
:'''Gerry''': That beats my solution. ''[acts out shooting zombies, and then acts out shooting himself]'' Pew pew! Pew pew! Pew!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': LEGOs are machined to a tolerance of 10 micrometers! That's why we're so expensive! But this serum will make us look cheaper and sloppier! ''[injects himself]'' Aah! ''[turns into a Playmobil figure]'' We look like them now!
:'''Gerry''': I'd rather die.
:'''Son''': ''[notices something]'' What?! They have Transformers?
:'''Gerry''': No, son! No!
:'''Son''': Aah! ''[Bumblebee rips him in half]''
:'''Gerry''': Nooooooo!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': You probably don't even want to go on living now.
:'''Gerry''': Huh? Oh, that was just a kid from my wife's first marriage. But that looked really painful. Hit me with the juice! ''[gets injected]'' Ugh! ''[the serum transforms him into...]'' No! You turned me into a ''[bleep]''ing DUPLO! It's the same company as LEGO, you fool! Aah! Aah! ''[Mrs. Lane and the Doctor run away whilst DUPLO Gerry gets his head ripped off]'' Guys, is this ending working? Let's re-shoot it.
:''[Zombies murmuring]''

===Catdog on a Stick [7.10]===
===Super Guitaro Center [7.11]===
===Noidstrom Rack [7.12]===
===Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13]===
===Walking Dead Lobster [7.14]===
===Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15]===
===Bitch Pudding Special [7.16]===
===Batman Forever 21 [7.17]===
===The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's [7.18]===
===Chipotle Miserables [7.19]===
===The Robot Chicken Lots of Holidays But Don't Worry Christmas is Still In There Too so Pull the Stick Out of Your Ass Fox News Special [7.20]===</text>
      <sha1>q6xv9kwojciu79e77ilf38s3bs1dmwe</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147801</id>
      <parentid>3147750</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T21:31:53Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Catdog on a Stick [7.10] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="23894" xml:space="preserve">===G.I. Jogurt [7.01]===
:''[At the Emmy Awards, a G.I. Joe PSA of Roadblock talking to two children is shown on the big screen]''
:'''Roadblock''': I don't know why a 7-year-old would need to deep fry a turkey, but know you know how.
:'''Children''': And knowing is half the battle.
:''[The PSA ends with the &quot;G.I. Joe&quot; jingle]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Be a Turkey on Thanksgiving&quot;.
:''[The G.I. Joes clap, and Duke kisses Scarlett before he heads up with Roadblock to collect their award, while COBRA Commander and Destro watch on from the cheap seats]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': Look at them, Destro. The Joes churn out pedestrian advice to dead-eyed children, and the public eats it up! ''[mocking the Joes]'' &quot;Hey, kids, don't play with fallen electrical lines.&quot; ''[normal voice]'' Reads like a dispatch from the no-shit clinic.
:'''Destro''': I'll get the nerve gas.
:'''COBRA Commander''': No, you fool. We'll beat them at their own game. ''[clenching his fist]'' We'll create our own PSAs!
:''[Cut to COBRA Commander, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, and the Crimson Twins in the briefing room at COBRA Headquarters]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': OK, OK, let's just throw some ideas out there. This is a safe creative place. Dr. Mindbender, go.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Well, I thought our PSA could communicate an idea non-verbally. I've discovered that painting directly on celluloid creates a sort of &quot;tone poem&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Holy ''[bleep]'', that's sounds terrible. I'm sorry, safe place, but holy shit, that was fucking dumb. Next!
:'''Baroness''': ''[enters the room]'' Oh, I forgot you guys were in here writing. I was just looking for a hammer to hang my degree in screenwriting from Aberdeen. Anything I can do for you while I'm in here? ''[looks at him]'' Destro?
:'''Destro''': She's actually really funny, you guys.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Hey, you lost me at &quot;She's&quot;. ''[Bleep'' it! We're doing it without a script.
:''[Cut to the set of COBRA's PSAs, as Destro supervises, Storm Shadow is having his makeup done by one COBRA soldier, and two more soldiers move a camera. Dr. Mindbender enters the set with a group of children]''
:'''Destro''': Dr. Mindbender, you found four young children for our PSAs.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Uh, yes. ''[puts his arms around the children]'' That is what these kidnapped children are for.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[talking to Storm Shadow, who is reading his lines]'' OK, Storm Shadow, these two children will be running with scissors. Now, this upsets you, and you...
:'''Storm Shadow''': Why?
:'''COBRA Commander''': It's dangerous to run with scissors.
:'''Storm Shadow''': I run with Katana. Is that not dangerous?
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow, I hadn't thought of that. Excellent point, Storm Shadow. ''[whispers to Tomax]'' Get this piece of ''[bleep]'' off my set!
:''[One of the children runs past, giggling while running with scissors, but ends up getting killed by Storm Shadow]''
:'''Storm Shadow''': Well, COBRA Commander, it looks like I owe you an apology.
:''[First COBRA PSA: Serpentor telling children about using supplies only at the post office]''
:'''Serpentor''': So, remember, only take supplies if you'll use them for post office business. Any other use is a felony.
:'''Boy''': Now I'm aware.
:'''Serpentor''': ''[putting his arms around the children and smiling]'' And awareness is the second 50% of the conflict in question. ''[beat]'' Somebody say ''[bleep]''ing &quot;Cut&quot;!
:''[Second COBRA PSA: COBRA Commander tells children about the joys of reading]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': And I think you'll find it's not hard to read when you take the time to sssssssssound it out. ''[both children giggle]'' Oh, yesss, I've got a sssmall ssspeech impediment. ''[both children laugh; irritated]'' It'sss not funny! ''[removes his mask, as the children scream and run away, only for the Commander to shoot them dead]'' Shut. It. Down.
:''[At the next Emmy Awards...]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Star in a COBRA PSA&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[shaking his fist]'' What?!
:'''Destro''': ''[shouting over to the troops]'' Pump the nerve gas!

===Link's Sausages [7.02]===
:''[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are standing in the street]''
:'''Tommy Pickles''': ''[holding his Reptar doll]'' Well, after crossing the freeway, base jumping off a cliff, and dodging bullets in a gang war, we finally found my Reptar doll.
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enters the street, finding the babies]'' Tommy! What are you doing in the street?!
:''[Cut to the Pickles' house]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, thank God! They've been lost for hours! Where were they?
:'''Didi Pickles''': Stu, a word?  ''[they walk into the kitchen, their voices get muffled as they talk with the door shut]'' What the ''[bleep]'', Stu?!
:'''Stu Pickles''': Well, I'm sorry. The babies escaped, and I-
:'''Didi Pickles''': Escaped?! They're babies, you sackless moron!
:'''Stu Pickles''': I was downstairs, working on a new toy, and they just-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, a new toy! Never mind, then!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[tearing up]'' Didi, if you keep ridiculing my work, I-I swear to God-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enraged]'' What?! You'll hit me?! Ooh, you're such a man!
:''[Thudding and crashing are heard as Didi violently beats Stu offscreen]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': Didi, stop!
:'''Didi Pickles''': I'll be the man! See, Stu?! I'm the man!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[sobbing]'' I want a divorce!
:''[The babies look devastated as the screen cut to static]''

===Secret of the Booze [7.03]===
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf shaving his beard in his house]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': I don't usually get involved in day-to-day operations, so I'm smurfing undercover. They'll never smurf it's me. ''[chuckles; takes off his pants]'' Ohh, I haven't smurfed these things off in nearly 300 years! Talk about crotch rot!
:''[Title Card: Undercover Smurf Boss]''
:'''Farmer Smurf''': So, you're my new intern, huh?
:'''Papa Smurf''': That's right, Farmer Smurf. Teach me to care about your sad, little life...I mean your noble and fulfilling, uh, career choice.
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Well, Smurfs are a thirsty bunch, so we got to smurf them fresh milk every day!
:''[A giant caterpillar slithers in and turns onto its side, revealing its udders]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[being filmed]'' We've been drinking CATERPILLAR MILK?! ''[milks the giant caterpillar, his hands getting sore]'' Oh, this is agony. It feels like my hands are gonna smurf off!
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Yep, my carpal tunnel got so bad, they had to fuse my wrist bones in place!
:'''Papa Smurf''': But our healthcare is smurfy, right?
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Eh, my deductible is 2,000 smurfberries.
:'''Papa Smurf''': WHAT?! ''[cash register dings]''
:''[Title Card: 1 Smurfberry = 1.78 USD]''
:''[Scene cuts to the Smurf Hospital. Doctor Smurf packs his medical bag]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': Doctor Smurf, why are deductibles so high?
:'''Doctor Smurf''': Boy, you smurf a lot of uppity questions for an intern. Uh, just treat the next patient while I go for a Jamba Juice run in my gold-plated helicopter.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Actually, I'm not really qualified.
:''[Outside the window, Doctor Smurf takes off in his gold-plated helicopter. Door opens, Smurfette and Handy Smurf enter the room]''
:'''Smurfette''': We need Doctor Smurf! Handy had an accident!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Did someone get a sliver? ''[Handy shows his bleeding hand, missing all of his fingers]'' OH MY SMURFING GOD!!!
:'''Handy Smurf''': I sawed right through a load-bearing mushroom! Half our building materials are fungus! Oh, trade school didn't prepare me for this!
:'''Smurfette''': You can smurf his fingers, right, nurse?
:'''Papa Smurf''': I'll certainly try. ''[being filmed]'' I certainly tried.
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf sewing Handy's fingers while Handy lies dead on the table]''
:'''Smurfette''': ''[crying]'' You can probably stop sewing.
:'''Papa Smurf''': No, no, no. I-I'm gonna get this. ''[walks up to Grouchy Smurf]'' So, Grouchy Smurf, how's the coffee today?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate coffee!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh! Okay. But how do you like working here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate working here.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh, goodness. Okay. Well, is there anything that maybe Papa Smurf could do?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate Papa Smurf!
:'''Papa Smurf''': All right, what exactly do you do around here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I-I hate stuff?
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[puts on his red hat]'' I'm being deadly serious.
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I...I... ''[cuts to him, shoveling dog poop outside]'' I hate shoveling dog ''[bleep]''.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Well, now that's actually an appropriate reaction. Carry on, dog-''[bleep]'' Smurf! ''[leaves]''
:''[More dog poop falls from above, next to Grouchy]''

===Rebel Appliance [7.04]===
:'''Lion-O''': My fellow Thundercats! When danger is near, I shall hold the Sword of Omens aloft and yell out a battle cry
:'''Cheetara''': What shall our battle cry be, Lion-O?
:'''Lion-O''': &quot;Thunder, thunder, thunder, thundercats, I need you because evil is near, and we are friends, and we are a team. So we must come together and fight because the Eye of Thundera is in the sky, and it is summoning everyone together. So please come here Panthro and Tygra and Panthro and also Cheetara and also Wilykit and Wilicat and also Snarf. I think I said Panthro twice. I won't do that every time. Yes, we are the Thundercats. This is our battle cry. I love you guys. You are my best friends, and I am Lion-O and I am a Thundercat, and you guys are Thundercats too. Mumm Ra is not a Thundercat, he's bad and we're gonna win against him, because we are the Thundercats, and the Thundercats are here for you today because we are the Thundercats yeah, I'm Lion-O&quot;. I hope you write that down.
:'''Snarf''': I liked it. ''[Wilykat slaps him]'' OW!

===Legion of Super-Gyros [7.05]===
:''[With Grover and Oscar the Grouch]''
:'''Grover''': Oh boy, it sure is a great day here on Sesame Street!
:'''Oscar''': Yeah, especially since we're the last neighborhood in New York that hasn't been gentrified.
:'''Grover''': Until today, because our special guest is Hannah Horvath from the marginally popular but ignored in the flyover states HBO series, Girls!
:'''Hannah''': Hey, do you know where I could find a cocaine dealer/organic Vietnamese taco truck around here?
:'''Oscar''': ''[Bleep]'' me! ''[gets back inside his trash can]''
:'''Hannah''': ''[feels Grover]'' Ooh, you're so cute! ''[later that night]'' I really love how you don't play games, Grover.
:'''Grover''': Oh but I play lots of games, patty cake, and marco polo...Ugh!
:'''Hannah''': ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jacking off]'' Insult my parents! Oh yeah!
:'''Grover''': Woah! ''[scene cuts to him and Hannah learning about numbers with apples]'' Today, we are going to learn about the number 3, I have 3 apples!
:'''Hannah''': And I know 3 girls who were date raped at the same bar on 6th street.
:'''Grover''': That is sad. ''[Hannah eats the apple]'' Uh...you're eating my props.
:'''Hannah''': I'm proud of my body.
:'''Grover''': I know, I know.
:'''Hannah''': Ugh! Yeah! ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jerking off again]''
:'''Grover''': Oh, God!

===El Skeletorio [7.06]===
:'''Crypt Keeper''': Oh, hello! I was just enjoying the latest best &quot;heller&quot;! ''[laughs evilly, but then rips off book cover]'' This is actually Dan Brown's &quot;Inferno.&quot; It's a piece of shit. Our next tale is something of an &quot;alle-gory&quot;! You might say it's a &quot;meta-gore&quot;! Let's just roll it.
:''[Cuts to the outside of Bitch Pudding's house, where the title of the sketch appears. We cut to inside the hpuse, where Bitch Pudding is sleeping]''
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out. Get out of the house. Get out of the hou-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Why don't you get your tongue out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole so I can jam your mama's ''[bleep]'' up there, you ''[bleep]''-gargling pile of monkey spunk? Nothing to say now, huh?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': There's just a lot to unpack there.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Well, wake me up when you figure it out, ''[bleep]'' stick. ''[goes back to sleep]''
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding goes to her fridge when she sees the chairs and flower pot of her table are now completely deformed]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed, she flips them over and destroys them]'' BLAM! Where's your ''[bleep]''-ass art project now, ''[bleep]'' nut?
:'''Ghostly voice''': It wasn't supposed to be art, it was supposed to scare you! God! Forget it! I'm leaving! ''[cuts to Strawberry Shortcake's house, where she is sleeping]'' Strawberry Shortcake!
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': ''[wakes up]'' Huh? What?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out of the house!
:''[A red substance begins to ooze out of the walls, causing Strawberry Shortcake to scream in fear]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[breaks in through the window]'' Hey, ''[bleep]''ing clown, if you're ragging so bad, why don't you take your mama's tampon out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole and lick it clean before you shove it up your ''[bleep]''?!
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Hey, stop talking about my dad's ''[bleep]''hole! I'll-I'll leave town, okay? Oh, FYI, that isn't blood, that is strawberry jam, m'lady. The insulation is leaking. All I did was turn the painting upside down. Live with it.
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': Do you think he was right about the insulation? That could be berry expensive.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hmm, let's see. That depends on whether I give a ''[bleep]'', ''[bleep]'' tits! ''[make a fanfare noise]'' Bitch Pudding! BLAM! ''[jumps out the window]''
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': I should really move.

===Snarfer Image [7.07]===
:''[Ticking, cuts to Elmer Fudd in a field]''
:'''Elmer Fudd:'' ''[narrating]'' Time travel has not been invented yet, ''[cocks his gun]'' but in 30 years, it will be. ''[gunshot]'' In the future, TV networks don't awwow cartoons to have guns, so if they want to kill someone, they send them back here to me. My name is Elmer Fudd, and I'm a Wooper. ''[Title Card: Wooper]'' The only wule is never let your target escape, even if your target is you.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': ''[appears in the field]'' What are you waiting for? Shoot me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': What?!
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': In the future, they don't let me have a gun! That was my one dimension as a character! Know what I did yesterday? I slept for 15 hours and then beat it to a Weader's Digest! Help me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': I can't.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': Come on, give it to me. ''[crying]'' Pleeeease. ''[gunshot]''
:'''Yosemite Sam''': ''[appears in the field]'' I'll have what he's having. ''[gunshot]''
:''[Cuts to Porky Pig on the Looney Tunes circles. The words &quot;That's all, folks!&quot; appear in front]''
:'''Porky Pig''': Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-...That's all, folks! ''[gunshot]''

===Up, Up, and Buffet [7.08]===
:'''Fiona''': The spell has broken! This was my true form all along! I can't wait to marry you, Shrek!
:'''Shrek''': Marry you?
:'''Fiona''': Well, yeah! Since we look the same now, we'll live happily ever after!
:'''Shrek''': Fiona, every morning, I look at myself in the mirror, and I wish my mother had the courage to throw me in the river when I was born. Then I make my way to the putrid swamps, the only place on God's green Earth a monster like me feels at home. Sometimes, children gather to scream at me. &quot;Monster!  Animal!&quot;, they yell. Then someone screams, &quot;Kill yourself!&quot; and it takes a few seconds to realize the voice is coming from my own mouth! By then, I've made my way to the old hanging tree. Before I have time to think about it, I'm wrapping a vine around my own neck. It goes &quot;tot&quot; and I pray to the gods that this time, the vine will hold! But alas, everyday, I wake up in my own filth and I lie there and I cry. I cry because I'll live to see my face again! So nay, marrying a lass with a face as hideous as my own is not on my to-do list!
:'''Fiona''':''[with her mouth full]'' Have you tried these mini cheeseburgers? They're great! ''[sees Shrek hanging from a noose, and to Shrek's disappointment, the noose snaps]''

===Panthropologie [7.09]===
:''[Caption: LEGO City, 2014]''
:'''Wife''': Honey, look out! Cliche!
:'''Gerry''': Huh? ''[all screaming]'' What's happening?!
:'''Cop''': Kre-O! They're everywh- Aah! ''[gets torn apart by the Kre-O's]''
:'''Wife''': There's something wrong with them. They look like us but different!
:'''General''': ''[lands in the helicopter]'' This way! Hurry! Your life has more value than other people! ''[the Lanes get onto the helicopter]'' Gerry, we need your expertise!
:'''Gerry''': My expertise? I'm not a soldier!
:'''General''': Gerry, we need a lawyer.
:''[Title Card: WORLD WAR B (as in blocks)]''
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': Put simply, Gerry, we're being invaded by imitation blocks.
:'''Assistant''': Off-brand products with a taste for LEGO blood!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': They're nearly identical but different. Wrong. Like when you sit on your hand until it goes to sleep. You try to pretend Flo from the Progressive commercials is giving you an HJ, but you know it's not Flo. You know that! She'd never be so clumsy, so artless.
:'''General''': That's impossible! We're trademarked!
:'''Gerry''': No, general. LEGO bricks aren't protected by trademark. They're protected by patent.
:'''General''': Hell, man, what's the difference?
:'''Gerry''': The difference is...patents expire! Cool! Someone turned that legal document into a GIF. That's fun.
:'''General''': Isn't it &quot;jiff&quot;? Anyway, how do we stop it?
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': There's nothing we can do. ''[whispering]'' Don't worry, Flo. I'll protect you.
:'''Assistant''': Don't worry, girl from the Wendy's commercials.
:'''General''': Don't worry, GEICO gecko.
:''[Cut to the map]''
:'''Gerry''': ''[narrating]'' They covered the whole globe in no time: Mega Bloks, Kre-O, Best-Lock, CoCo, BanBao, Rokenbok, Super Blocks, and Leggo with two g's, which was especially insulting.
:''[Caption: Lego Headquarters, Denmark]''
:''[Zombies groaning]''
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' LEGO my baby, LEGO my honey, LEGO my ragtime gal...
:'''Son''': Daddy, are we safe?
:'''Gerry''': Of course we are, son. People are singing, aren't they? Ugh. That is the lowest form of music.
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' ...Honey, you'll lose me, then you'll be left alone...
:''[Zombies groaning loudly]''
:'''Gerry''': The terrible singing! They're attracted to the terrible singing! ''[the zombies start climbing over the walls. Gerry knocks out the quartet. Soldiers start shooting]'' Ohh! - Ow! Fire! Fire! They're too fast!-Ohh!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': ''[runs in with the syringe]'' Gerry, I've found a way to camouflage ourselves!
:'''Gerry''': That beats my solution. ''[acts out shooting zombies, and then acts out shooting himself]'' Pew pew! Pew pew! Pew!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': LEGOs are machined to a tolerance of 10 micrometers! That's why we're so expensive! But this serum will make us look cheaper and sloppier! ''[injects himself]'' Aah! ''[turns into a Playmobil figure]'' We look like them now!
:'''Gerry''': I'd rather die.
:'''Son''': ''[notices something]'' What?! They have Transformers?
:'''Gerry''': No, son! No!
:'''Son''': Aah! ''[Bumblebee rips him in half]''
:'''Gerry''': Nooooooo!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': You probably don't even want to go on living now.
:'''Gerry''': Huh? Oh, that was just a kid from my wife's first marriage. But that looked really painful. Hit me with the juice! ''[gets injected]'' Ugh! ''[the serum transforms him into...]'' No! You turned me into a ''[bleep]''ing DUPLO! It's the same company as LEGO, you fool! Aah! Aah! ''[Mrs. Lane and the Doctor run away whilst DUPLO Gerry gets his head ripped off]'' Guys, is this ending working? Let's re-shoot it.
:''[Zombies murmuring]''

===Catdog on a Stick [7.10]===
:'''Executive''': You sure you wanna do a movie, Tiger?
:'''Tiger''': I want to be beloved again, like before I had sex with all those waitresses from IHOP. Jordan did Space Jam. I want my Space Jam.
:'''Executive''': Well, studios aren't lining up to lend their characters to a Tiger Woods movie. Everyone aggressively passed except DiC, but I cannot recommend that.
:''[Cut to the title card for the Golf Jam movie]''
:'''Singers''': Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to Tiger on the golf course]''
:'''Tiger''': Time for a day of playing golf and being faithful to my girlfriend. ''[falls down a large hole]'' What? Whoooooooa!! ''[lands in DiC Land, surrounded by Heathcliff and other DiC characters]'' Ow!
:'''Heathcliff''': Welcome to DiC Land, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[getting up from his fall and waving hello]'' Why, hi, Garfield.
:'''Heathcliff''': I'm Heathcliff. I'm more romantic and have an accent. This is Cleo.
:'''Cleo''': We need your help, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to put my penis in you... ''[snaps back to attention, and looks at the camera]'' I mean, I love my girlfriend.
:'''Cleo''': We brought you here because the evil Dork Punks challenged us to a game of golf.
:'''Tiger''': ''[once again enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to hump your face... ''[flustered]'' I mean, help your face- ''[snaps out of it again]'' Help you, I will help you!
:''[The Dork Punks walk into the shot, as Tiger turns to look at them]''
:'''Dork Punk''': Let's tee off, DiC-heads!
:''[Tiger and Heathcliff look at each other and nod, and we cut to a golf-playing montage. Tiger (now wearing a cap with the DiC logo on it) hits a beautful shot as Heathcliff, Cleo, and a couple of other toons watch. LongArm uses his gauntlet to sink a putt, as Tiger chats up Princess Lana and receives a slap to the face from her. As Cleo prepares to sink her putt, Tiger walks up from behind and starts pretending to hump her. Ja-Kal prepares to take a shot as Armon looks on, but a piece of Armon's gauze is caught on Ja-Kal's club. As Ja-Kal swings, he and Armon both get tied up in Armon's gauze. Tiger is seen in one of the bunkers with Nefer-Tina sitting on top of him, as she unwraps the gauze from her upper body much to Tiger's delight. The montage ends as Tiger is getting ready to sink his final putt, with Cleo and Hammerman watching on]''
:'''Hammerman''': If you sink this putt, we win!
:'''Tiger''': Wish me luck, Bobby Brown.
:'''Hammerman''': Bobby Brown? I'm Hammerman! I'm M.C. Hammer, except not, and I have magic shoes. ''[shows off his magic dancing shoes]''
:'''Tiger''': ''[looks at Cleo]'' You know, I don't even know if I want to save you DiC's. You're just uninspired rehashes of good ideas. Seriously, how cheap is DiC? This is a movie, and you all look like you were drawn on a napkin.
:'''Cleo''': Win the game and I'll blow you.
:''[Upon hearing this, Tiger immediately sinks the putt and wins the game. As the DiC toons celebrate, Tiger unzips his pants and takes a terrified Cleo by the hand into the Pancake House for his well-earned blowjob]''
:'''Hammerman''': ''[rapping]'' Everybody tee off, get a club in your hands, charisma-free sex addict saving DiC Land! Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to black with the bold white text &quot;Golf Jam was rented once from Redbox. The copy was returned on time.&quot;]''

===Super Guitaro Center [7.11]===
===Noidstrom Rack [7.12]===
===Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13]===
===Walking Dead Lobster [7.14]===
===Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15]===
===Bitch Pudding Special [7.16]===
===Batman Forever 21 [7.17]===
===The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's [7.18]===
===Chipotle Miserables [7.19]===
===The Robot Chicken Lots of Holidays But Don't Worry Christmas is Still In There Too so Pull the Stick Out of Your Ass Fox News Special [7.20]===</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3147807</id>
      <parentid>3147801</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T21:46:20Z</timestamp>
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      <comment>/* Super Guitaro Center [7.11] */</comment>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="27363" xml:space="preserve">===G.I. Jogurt [7.01]===
:''[At the Emmy Awards, a G.I. Joe PSA of Roadblock talking to two children is shown on the big screen]''
:'''Roadblock''': I don't know why a 7-year-old would need to deep fry a turkey, but know you know how.
:'''Children''': And knowing is half the battle.
:''[The PSA ends with the &quot;G.I. Joe&quot; jingle]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Be a Turkey on Thanksgiving&quot;.
:''[The G.I. Joes clap, and Duke kisses Scarlett before he heads up with Roadblock to collect their award, while COBRA Commander and Destro watch on from the cheap seats]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': Look at them, Destro. The Joes churn out pedestrian advice to dead-eyed children, and the public eats it up! ''[mocking the Joes]'' &quot;Hey, kids, don't play with fallen electrical lines.&quot; ''[normal voice]'' Reads like a dispatch from the no-shit clinic.
:'''Destro''': I'll get the nerve gas.
:'''COBRA Commander''': No, you fool. We'll beat them at their own game. ''[clenching his fist]'' We'll create our own PSAs!
:''[Cut to COBRA Commander, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, and the Crimson Twins in the briefing room at COBRA Headquarters]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': OK, OK, let's just throw some ideas out there. This is a safe creative place. Dr. Mindbender, go.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Well, I thought our PSA could communicate an idea non-verbally. I've discovered that painting directly on celluloid creates a sort of &quot;tone poem&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Holy ''[bleep]'', that's sounds terrible. I'm sorry, safe place, but holy shit, that was fucking dumb. Next!
:'''Baroness''': ''[enters the room]'' Oh, I forgot you guys were in here writing. I was just looking for a hammer to hang my degree in screenwriting from Aberdeen. Anything I can do for you while I'm in here? ''[looks at him]'' Destro?
:'''Destro''': She's actually really funny, you guys.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Hey, you lost me at &quot;She's&quot;. ''[Bleep'' it! We're doing it without a script.
:''[Cut to the set of COBRA's PSAs, as Destro supervises, Storm Shadow is having his makeup done by one COBRA soldier, and two more soldiers move a camera. Dr. Mindbender enters the set with a group of children]''
:'''Destro''': Dr. Mindbender, you found four young children for our PSAs.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Uh, yes. ''[puts his arms around the children]'' That is what these kidnapped children are for.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[talking to Storm Shadow, who is reading his lines]'' OK, Storm Shadow, these two children will be running with scissors. Now, this upsets you, and you...
:'''Storm Shadow''': Why?
:'''COBRA Commander''': It's dangerous to run with scissors.
:'''Storm Shadow''': I run with Katana. Is that not dangerous?
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow, I hadn't thought of that. Excellent point, Storm Shadow. ''[whispers to Tomax]'' Get this piece of ''[bleep]'' off my set!
:''[One of the children runs past, giggling while running with scissors, but ends up getting killed by Storm Shadow]''
:'''Storm Shadow''': Well, COBRA Commander, it looks like I owe you an apology.
:''[First COBRA PSA: Serpentor telling children about using supplies only at the post office]''
:'''Serpentor''': So, remember, only take supplies if you'll use them for post office business. Any other use is a felony.
:'''Boy''': Now I'm aware.
:'''Serpentor''': ''[putting his arms around the children and smiling]'' And awareness is the second 50% of the conflict in question. ''[beat]'' Somebody say ''[bleep]''ing &quot;Cut&quot;!
:''[Second COBRA PSA: COBRA Commander tells children about the joys of reading]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': And I think you'll find it's not hard to read when you take the time to sssssssssound it out. ''[both children giggle]'' Oh, yesss, I've got a sssmall ssspeech impediment. ''[both children laugh; irritated]'' It'sss not funny! ''[removes his mask, as the children scream and run away, only for the Commander to shoot them dead]'' Shut. It. Down.
:''[At the next Emmy Awards...]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Star in a COBRA PSA&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[shaking his fist]'' What?!
:'''Destro''': ''[shouting over to the troops]'' Pump the nerve gas!

===Link's Sausages [7.02]===
:''[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are standing in the street]''
:'''Tommy Pickles''': ''[holding his Reptar doll]'' Well, after crossing the freeway, base jumping off a cliff, and dodging bullets in a gang war, we finally found my Reptar doll.
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enters the street, finding the babies]'' Tommy! What are you doing in the street?!
:''[Cut to the Pickles' house]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, thank God! They've been lost for hours! Where were they?
:'''Didi Pickles''': Stu, a word?  ''[they walk into the kitchen, their voices get muffled as they talk with the door shut]'' What the ''[bleep]'', Stu?!
:'''Stu Pickles''': Well, I'm sorry. The babies escaped, and I-
:'''Didi Pickles''': Escaped?! They're babies, you sackless moron!
:'''Stu Pickles''': I was downstairs, working on a new toy, and they just-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, a new toy! Never mind, then!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[tearing up]'' Didi, if you keep ridiculing my work, I-I swear to God-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enraged]'' What?! You'll hit me?! Ooh, you're such a man!
:''[Thudding and crashing are heard as Didi violently beats Stu offscreen]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': Didi, stop!
:'''Didi Pickles''': I'll be the man! See, Stu?! I'm the man!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[sobbing]'' I want a divorce!
:''[The babies look devastated as the screen cut to static]''

===Secret of the Booze [7.03]===
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf shaving his beard in his house]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': I don't usually get involved in day-to-day operations, so I'm smurfing undercover. They'll never smurf it's me. ''[chuckles; takes off his pants]'' Ohh, I haven't smurfed these things off in nearly 300 years! Talk about crotch rot!
:''[Title Card: Undercover Smurf Boss]''
:'''Farmer Smurf''': So, you're my new intern, huh?
:'''Papa Smurf''': That's right, Farmer Smurf. Teach me to care about your sad, little life...I mean your noble and fulfilling, uh, career choice.
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Well, Smurfs are a thirsty bunch, so we got to smurf them fresh milk every day!
:''[A giant caterpillar slithers in and turns onto its side, revealing its udders]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[being filmed]'' We've been drinking CATERPILLAR MILK?! ''[milks the giant caterpillar, his hands getting sore]'' Oh, this is agony. It feels like my hands are gonna smurf off!
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Yep, my carpal tunnel got so bad, they had to fuse my wrist bones in place!
:'''Papa Smurf''': But our healthcare is smurfy, right?
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Eh, my deductible is 2,000 smurfberries.
:'''Papa Smurf''': WHAT?! ''[cash register dings]''
:''[Title Card: 1 Smurfberry = 1.78 USD]''
:''[Scene cuts to the Smurf Hospital. Doctor Smurf packs his medical bag]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': Doctor Smurf, why are deductibles so high?
:'''Doctor Smurf''': Boy, you smurf a lot of uppity questions for an intern. Uh, just treat the next patient while I go for a Jamba Juice run in my gold-plated helicopter.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Actually, I'm not really qualified.
:''[Outside the window, Doctor Smurf takes off in his gold-plated helicopter. Door opens, Smurfette and Handy Smurf enter the room]''
:'''Smurfette''': We need Doctor Smurf! Handy had an accident!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Did someone get a sliver? ''[Handy shows his bleeding hand, missing all of his fingers]'' OH MY SMURFING GOD!!!
:'''Handy Smurf''': I sawed right through a load-bearing mushroom! Half our building materials are fungus! Oh, trade school didn't prepare me for this!
:'''Smurfette''': You can smurf his fingers, right, nurse?
:'''Papa Smurf''': I'll certainly try. ''[being filmed]'' I certainly tried.
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf sewing Handy's fingers while Handy lies dead on the table]''
:'''Smurfette''': ''[crying]'' You can probably stop sewing.
:'''Papa Smurf''': No, no, no. I-I'm gonna get this. ''[walks up to Grouchy Smurf]'' So, Grouchy Smurf, how's the coffee today?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate coffee!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh! Okay. But how do you like working here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate working here.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh, goodness. Okay. Well, is there anything that maybe Papa Smurf could do?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate Papa Smurf!
:'''Papa Smurf''': All right, what exactly do you do around here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I-I hate stuff?
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[puts on his red hat]'' I'm being deadly serious.
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I...I... ''[cuts to him, shoveling dog poop outside]'' I hate shoveling dog ''[bleep]''.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Well, now that's actually an appropriate reaction. Carry on, dog-''[bleep]'' Smurf! ''[leaves]''
:''[More dog poop falls from above, next to Grouchy]''

===Rebel Appliance [7.04]===
:'''Lion-O''': My fellow Thundercats! When danger is near, I shall hold the Sword of Omens aloft and yell out a battle cry
:'''Cheetara''': What shall our battle cry be, Lion-O?
:'''Lion-O''': &quot;Thunder, thunder, thunder, thundercats, I need you because evil is near, and we are friends, and we are a team. So we must come together and fight because the Eye of Thundera is in the sky, and it is summoning everyone together. So please come here Panthro and Tygra and Panthro and also Cheetara and also Wilykit and Wilicat and also Snarf. I think I said Panthro twice. I won't do that every time. Yes, we are the Thundercats. This is our battle cry. I love you guys. You are my best friends, and I am Lion-O and I am a Thundercat, and you guys are Thundercats too. Mumm Ra is not a Thundercat, he's bad and we're gonna win against him, because we are the Thundercats, and the Thundercats are here for you today because we are the Thundercats yeah, I'm Lion-O&quot;. I hope you write that down.
:'''Snarf''': I liked it. ''[Wilykat slaps him]'' OW!

===Legion of Super-Gyros [7.05]===
:''[With Grover and Oscar the Grouch]''
:'''Grover''': Oh boy, it sure is a great day here on Sesame Street!
:'''Oscar''': Yeah, especially since we're the last neighborhood in New York that hasn't been gentrified.
:'''Grover''': Until today, because our special guest is Hannah Horvath from the marginally popular but ignored in the flyover states HBO series, Girls!
:'''Hannah''': Hey, do you know where I could find a cocaine dealer/organic Vietnamese taco truck around here?
:'''Oscar''': ''[Bleep]'' me! ''[gets back inside his trash can]''
:'''Hannah''': ''[feels Grover]'' Ooh, you're so cute! ''[later that night]'' I really love how you don't play games, Grover.
:'''Grover''': Oh but I play lots of games, patty cake, and marco polo...Ugh!
:'''Hannah''': ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jacking off]'' Insult my parents! Oh yeah!
:'''Grover''': Woah! ''[scene cuts to him and Hannah learning about numbers with apples]'' Today, we are going to learn about the number 3, I have 3 apples!
:'''Hannah''': And I know 3 girls who were date raped at the same bar on 6th street.
:'''Grover''': That is sad. ''[Hannah eats the apple]'' Uh...you're eating my props.
:'''Hannah''': I'm proud of my body.
:'''Grover''': I know, I know.
:'''Hannah''': Ugh! Yeah! ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jerking off again]''
:'''Grover''': Oh, God!

===El Skeletorio [7.06]===
:'''Crypt Keeper''': Oh, hello! I was just enjoying the latest best &quot;heller&quot;! ''[laughs evilly, but then rips off book cover]'' This is actually Dan Brown's &quot;Inferno.&quot; It's a piece of shit. Our next tale is something of an &quot;alle-gory&quot;! You might say it's a &quot;meta-gore&quot;! Let's just roll it.
:''[Cuts to the outside of Bitch Pudding's house, where the title of the sketch appears. We cut to inside the hpuse, where Bitch Pudding is sleeping]''
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out. Get out of the house. Get out of the hou-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Why don't you get your tongue out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole so I can jam your mama's ''[bleep]'' up there, you ''[bleep]''-gargling pile of monkey spunk? Nothing to say now, huh?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': There's just a lot to unpack there.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Well, wake me up when you figure it out, ''[bleep]'' stick. ''[goes back to sleep]''
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding goes to her fridge when she sees the chairs and flower pot of her table are now completely deformed]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed, she flips them over and destroys them]'' BLAM! Where's your ''[bleep]''-ass art project now, ''[bleep]'' nut?
:'''Ghostly voice''': It wasn't supposed to be art, it was supposed to scare you! God! Forget it! I'm leaving! ''[cuts to Strawberry Shortcake's house, where she is sleeping]'' Strawberry Shortcake!
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': ''[wakes up]'' Huh? What?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out of the house!
:''[A red substance begins to ooze out of the walls, causing Strawberry Shortcake to scream in fear]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[breaks in through the window]'' Hey, ''[bleep]''ing clown, if you're ragging so bad, why don't you take your mama's tampon out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole and lick it clean before you shove it up your ''[bleep]''?!
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Hey, stop talking about my dad's ''[bleep]''hole! I'll-I'll leave town, okay? Oh, FYI, that isn't blood, that is strawberry jam, m'lady. The insulation is leaking. All I did was turn the painting upside down. Live with it.
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': Do you think he was right about the insulation? That could be berry expensive.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hmm, let's see. That depends on whether I give a ''[bleep]'', ''[bleep]'' tits! ''[make a fanfare noise]'' Bitch Pudding! BLAM! ''[jumps out the window]''
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': I should really move.

===Snarfer Image [7.07]===
:''[Ticking, cuts to Elmer Fudd in a field]''
:'''Elmer Fudd:'' ''[narrating]'' Time travel has not been invented yet, ''[cocks his gun]'' but in 30 years, it will be. ''[gunshot]'' In the future, TV networks don't awwow cartoons to have guns, so if they want to kill someone, they send them back here to me. My name is Elmer Fudd, and I'm a Wooper. ''[Title Card: Wooper]'' The only wule is never let your target escape, even if your target is you.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': ''[appears in the field]'' What are you waiting for? Shoot me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': What?!
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': In the future, they don't let me have a gun! That was my one dimension as a character! Know what I did yesterday? I slept for 15 hours and then beat it to a Weader's Digest! Help me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': I can't.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': Come on, give it to me. ''[crying]'' Pleeeease. ''[gunshot]''
:'''Yosemite Sam''': ''[appears in the field]'' I'll have what he's having. ''[gunshot]''
:''[Cuts to Porky Pig on the Looney Tunes circles. The words &quot;That's all, folks!&quot; appear in front]''
:'''Porky Pig''': Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-...That's all, folks! ''[gunshot]''

===Up, Up, and Buffet [7.08]===
:'''Fiona''': The spell has broken! This was my true form all along! I can't wait to marry you, Shrek!
:'''Shrek''': Marry you?
:'''Fiona''': Well, yeah! Since we look the same now, we'll live happily ever after!
:'''Shrek''': Fiona, every morning, I look at myself in the mirror, and I wish my mother had the courage to throw me in the river when I was born. Then I make my way to the putrid swamps, the only place on God's green Earth a monster like me feels at home. Sometimes, children gather to scream at me. &quot;Monster!  Animal!&quot;, they yell. Then someone screams, &quot;Kill yourself!&quot; and it takes a few seconds to realize the voice is coming from my own mouth! By then, I've made my way to the old hanging tree. Before I have time to think about it, I'm wrapping a vine around my own neck. It goes &quot;tot&quot; and I pray to the gods that this time, the vine will hold! But alas, everyday, I wake up in my own filth and I lie there and I cry. I cry because I'll live to see my face again! So nay, marrying a lass with a face as hideous as my own is not on my to-do list!
:'''Fiona''':''[with her mouth full]'' Have you tried these mini cheeseburgers? They're great! ''[sees Shrek hanging from a noose, and to Shrek's disappointment, the noose snaps]''

===Panthropologie [7.09]===
:''[Caption: LEGO City, 2014]''
:'''Wife''': Honey, look out! Cliche!
:'''Gerry''': Huh? ''[all screaming]'' What's happening?!
:'''Cop''': Kre-O! They're everywh- Aah! ''[gets torn apart by the Kre-O's]''
:'''Wife''': There's something wrong with them. They look like us but different!
:'''General''': ''[lands in the helicopter]'' This way! Hurry! Your life has more value than other people! ''[the Lanes get onto the helicopter]'' Gerry, we need your expertise!
:'''Gerry''': My expertise? I'm not a soldier!
:'''General''': Gerry, we need a lawyer.
:''[Title Card: WORLD WAR B (as in blocks)]''
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': Put simply, Gerry, we're being invaded by imitation blocks.
:'''Assistant''': Off-brand products with a taste for LEGO blood!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': They're nearly identical but different. Wrong. Like when you sit on your hand until it goes to sleep. You try to pretend Flo from the Progressive commercials is giving you an HJ, but you know it's not Flo. You know that! She'd never be so clumsy, so artless.
:'''General''': That's impossible! We're trademarked!
:'''Gerry''': No, general. LEGO bricks aren't protected by trademark. They're protected by patent.
:'''General''': Hell, man, what's the difference?
:'''Gerry''': The difference is...patents expire! Cool! Someone turned that legal document into a GIF. That's fun.
:'''General''': Isn't it &quot;jiff&quot;? Anyway, how do we stop it?
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': There's nothing we can do. ''[whispering]'' Don't worry, Flo. I'll protect you.
:'''Assistant''': Don't worry, girl from the Wendy's commercials.
:'''General''': Don't worry, GEICO gecko.
:''[Cut to the map]''
:'''Gerry''': ''[narrating]'' They covered the whole globe in no time: Mega Bloks, Kre-O, Best-Lock, CoCo, BanBao, Rokenbok, Super Blocks, and Leggo with two g's, which was especially insulting.
:''[Caption: Lego Headquarters, Denmark]''
:''[Zombies groaning]''
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' LEGO my baby, LEGO my honey, LEGO my ragtime gal...
:'''Son''': Daddy, are we safe?
:'''Gerry''': Of course we are, son. People are singing, aren't they? Ugh. That is the lowest form of music.
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' ...Honey, you'll lose me, then you'll be left alone...
:''[Zombies groaning loudly]''
:'''Gerry''': The terrible singing! They're attracted to the terrible singing! ''[the zombies start climbing over the walls. Gerry knocks out the quartet. Soldiers start shooting]'' Ohh! - Ow! Fire! Fire! They're too fast!-Ohh!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': ''[runs in with the syringe]'' Gerry, I've found a way to camouflage ourselves!
:'''Gerry''': That beats my solution. ''[acts out shooting zombies, and then acts out shooting himself]'' Pew pew! Pew pew! Pew!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': LEGOs are machined to a tolerance of 10 micrometers! That's why we're so expensive! But this serum will make us look cheaper and sloppier! ''[injects himself]'' Aah! ''[turns into a Playmobil figure]'' We look like them now!
:'''Gerry''': I'd rather die.
:'''Son''': ''[notices something]'' What?! They have Transformers?
:'''Gerry''': No, son! No!
:'''Son''': Aah! ''[Bumblebee rips him in half]''
:'''Gerry''': Nooooooo!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': You probably don't even want to go on living now.
:'''Gerry''': Huh? Oh, that was just a kid from my wife's first marriage. But that looked really painful. Hit me with the juice! ''[gets injected]'' Ugh! ''[the serum transforms him into...]'' No! You turned me into a ''[bleep]''ing DUPLO! It's the same company as LEGO, you fool! Aah! Aah! ''[Mrs. Lane and the Doctor run away whilst DUPLO Gerry gets his head ripped off]'' Guys, is this ending working? Let's re-shoot it.
:''[Zombies murmuring]''

===Catdog on a Stick [7.10]===
:'''Executive''': You sure you wanna do a movie, Tiger?
:'''Tiger''': I want to be beloved again, like before I had sex with all those waitresses from IHOP. Jordan did Space Jam. I want my Space Jam.
:'''Executive''': Well, studios aren't lining up to lend their characters to a Tiger Woods movie. Everyone aggressively passed except DiC, but I cannot recommend that.
:''[Cut to the title card for the Golf Jam movie]''
:'''Singers''': Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to Tiger on the golf course]''
:'''Tiger''': Time for a day of playing golf and being faithful to my girlfriend. ''[falls down a large hole]'' What? Whoooooooa!! ''[lands in DiC Land, surrounded by Heathcliff and other DiC characters]'' Ow!
:'''Heathcliff''': Welcome to DiC Land, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[getting up from his fall and waving hello]'' Why, hi, Garfield.
:'''Heathcliff''': I'm Heathcliff. I'm more romantic and have an accent. This is Cleo.
:'''Cleo''': We need your help, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to put my penis in you... ''[snaps back to attention, and looks at the camera]'' I mean, I love my girlfriend.
:'''Cleo''': We brought you here because the evil Dork Punks challenged us to a game of golf.
:'''Tiger''': ''[once again enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to hump your face... ''[flustered]'' I mean, help your face- ''[snaps out of it again]'' Help you, I will help you!
:''[The Dork Punks walk into the shot, as Tiger turns to look at them]''
:'''Dork Punk''': Let's tee off, DiC-heads!
:''[Tiger and Heathcliff look at each other and nod, and we cut to a golf-playing montage. Tiger (now wearing a cap with the DiC logo on it) hits a beautful shot as Heathcliff, Cleo, and a couple of other toons watch. LongArm uses his gauntlet to sink a putt, as Tiger chats up Princess Lana and receives a slap to the face from her. As Cleo prepares to sink her putt, Tiger walks up from behind and starts pretending to hump her. Ja-Kal prepares to take a shot as Armon looks on, but a piece of Armon's gauze is caught on Ja-Kal's club. As Ja-Kal swings, he and Armon both get tied up in Armon's gauze. Tiger is seen in one of the bunkers with Nefer-Tina sitting on top of him, as she unwraps the gauze from her upper body much to Tiger's delight. The montage ends as Tiger is getting ready to sink his final putt, with Cleo and Hammerman watching on]''
:'''Hammerman''': If you sink this putt, we win!
:'''Tiger''': Wish me luck, Bobby Brown.
:'''Hammerman''': Bobby Brown? I'm Hammerman! I'm M.C. Hammer, except not, and I have magic shoes. ''[shows off his magic dancing shoes]''
:'''Tiger''': ''[looks at Cleo]'' You know, I don't even know if I want to save you DiC's. You're just uninspired rehashes of good ideas. Seriously, how cheap is DiC? This is a movie, and you all look like you were drawn on a napkin.
:'''Cleo''': Win the game and I'll blow you.
:''[Upon hearing this, Tiger immediately sinks the putt and wins the game. As the DiC toons celebrate, Tiger unzips his pants and takes a terrified Cleo by the hand into the Pancake House for his well-earned blowjob]''
:'''Hammerman''': ''[rapping]'' Everybody tee off, get a club in your hands, charisma-free sex addict saving DiC Land! Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to black with the bold white text &quot;Golf Jam was rented once from Redbox. The copy was returned on time.&quot;]''

===Super Guitaro Center [7.11]===
:'''Shredder''': The &quot;Channel 6 News Masquerade Ball&quot; is the opportunity for me to kidnap April O'Neil. She's the perfect bait to catch the turtles. ''[surprised to see April's costume]'' Wow! Out of that bulky lesbian jumpsuit, she's hot as ''[bleep]''!
:'''April''': Care to dance, Mr. Potter?
:'''Shredder''': WHAT?! ''[cuts to Shredder dancing with April]'' And, what's your costume?
:'''April''': Belle from &quot;Beauty and The Beast&quot;, but a dick-slut.
:'''Shredder''': Is your favorite restaurant, Taco &quot;Belle&quot;?
:''[Both laugh]''
:'''April''': You are hilarious.
:'''Shredder: On the count of 3, say your favorite band. 1, 2, 3!
:'''Shredder and April''': Toad the Wet Sprocket! ''[pause, they both kiss]''
:'''April''': ''[feels the blade, and gasped]'' Wait. Are you-
:'''Shredder''': In love? Yes. WHAT?! Bye! ''[leaves]''
:'''April''': ''[realizing]'' Shredder?
:''[Cut to Shredder with April outside her apartment after the party]''
:'''Shredder''': Think of something poetic, Oroku. ''[to April]'' But soft, you are total boner food!
:'''April''': Oh, Shredder. My heart doesn't take sides.
:'''Shredder''': People won't approve.
:'''April''': No one can keep us apart.
:''[They both kiss again. Then cuts to the sewer]''
:'''Raphael''': Aww, Hell to the No! ''[punches a brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''April''': We're soul mates! We both love Toad the Wet Sprocket.
:'''Michelangelo''': Toad the-What?! Is that a sex thing?! Have you guys had sex?!
:'''April''': No. Just dry humping, and ball play.
:'''Raphael''': Ball play?! ''[punches the same brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''Splinter''': You must stay away from Shredder, April. He is dangerous. Sleep here tonight. Donatello, grab the guest pillows.
:''[Donatello grabs pizza boxes which are the guest pillows, and puts them on the couch. Later while everyone's asleep, Shredder comes up from behind the couch to see April]''
:'''April''': ''[gasps]'' What are you doing here?
:'''Shredder''': I came to say &quot;Hi&quot;, ''[lays down next to her]'' and also have sex after the whole &quot;Hi&quot; thing.
:'''April''': It's like Six Flags Hurricane Harbor in my panties right now. ''[they both kiss again. Later, we see her and Shredder outside the manhole]'' Mmm, Mmm. You really Toadied my Wet Sprocket. When will I see you again?
:'''Shredder''': Soon, I hope. I should go before the turtles wake up. Plus, I have some major ExtenZe farts coming on. ''[farts]''
:''[Next morning while April was having her breakfast]''
:'''Donatello''': April, just go on one date with Casey. He's a good guy.
:'''April''': Casey is a jobless loser in sweats! ''[walks away]''
:'''Casey''': Good start to my morning.
:'''[Cut to April with the Rat King]''
:'''April''': So, I left. What should I do, Mr. Rat King? I belong with Shredder.
:'''Rat King''': I have an idea! And my idea involves you taking a lot of poison very quickly.
:'''April''': ''[pause, interested]'' Go on?
:''[Cut to April playing dead]''
:'''Shredder''': ''[shocked]'' It can't be! April?! NO!!!! WHY?!?! ''[accidentally hits April with his spikes]''
:'''April''': ''[wakes up in pain]'' Ow! Ow! Ow! What the ''[bleep]''?! Shredder!
:'''Shredder''': April! You're alive!
:'''April''': The poison only made me appear dead. Didn't you read &quot;Romeo and Juliet&quot;, you ''[bleep]''ing ass clown? ''[gags and dies]''
:'''Shredder''': NOOOOOOO!!!!!! ''[a few seconds of silence]'' Just gonna take my Toad the Wet Sprocket bootleg back. ''[takes his CD back, and leaves]''

===Noidstrom Rack [7.12]===
===Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13]===
===Walking Dead Lobster [7.14]===
===Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15]===
===Bitch Pudding Special [7.16]===
===Batman Forever 21 [7.17]===
===The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's [7.18]===
===Chipotle Miserables [7.19]===
===The Robot Chicken Lots of Holidays But Don't Worry Christmas is Still In There Too so Pull the Stick Out of Your Ass Fox News Special [7.20]===</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147808</id>
      <parentid>3147807</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T21:46:28Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Super Guitaro Center [7.11] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="27366" xml:space="preserve">===G.I. Jogurt [7.01]===
:''[At the Emmy Awards, a G.I. Joe PSA of Roadblock talking to two children is shown on the big screen]''
:'''Roadblock''': I don't know why a 7-year-old would need to deep fry a turkey, but know you know how.
:'''Children''': And knowing is half the battle.
:''[The PSA ends with the &quot;G.I. Joe&quot; jingle]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Be a Turkey on Thanksgiving&quot;.
:''[The G.I. Joes clap, and Duke kisses Scarlett before he heads up with Roadblock to collect their award, while COBRA Commander and Destro watch on from the cheap seats]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': Look at them, Destro. The Joes churn out pedestrian advice to dead-eyed children, and the public eats it up! ''[mocking the Joes]'' &quot;Hey, kids, don't play with fallen electrical lines.&quot; ''[normal voice]'' Reads like a dispatch from the no-shit clinic.
:'''Destro''': I'll get the nerve gas.
:'''COBRA Commander''': No, you fool. We'll beat them at their own game. ''[clenching his fist]'' We'll create our own PSAs!
:''[Cut to COBRA Commander, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, and the Crimson Twins in the briefing room at COBRA Headquarters]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': OK, OK, let's just throw some ideas out there. This is a safe creative place. Dr. Mindbender, go.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Well, I thought our PSA could communicate an idea non-verbally. I've discovered that painting directly on celluloid creates a sort of &quot;tone poem&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Holy ''[bleep]'', that's sounds terrible. I'm sorry, safe place, but holy shit, that was fucking dumb. Next!
:'''Baroness''': ''[enters the room]'' Oh, I forgot you guys were in here writing. I was just looking for a hammer to hang my degree in screenwriting from Aberdeen. Anything I can do for you while I'm in here? ''[looks at him]'' Destro?
:'''Destro''': She's actually really funny, you guys.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Hey, you lost me at &quot;She's&quot;. ''[Bleep'' it! We're doing it without a script.
:''[Cut to the set of COBRA's PSAs, as Destro supervises, Storm Shadow is having his makeup done by one COBRA soldier, and two more soldiers move a camera. Dr. Mindbender enters the set with a group of children]''
:'''Destro''': Dr. Mindbender, you found four young children for our PSAs.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Uh, yes. ''[puts his arms around the children]'' That is what these kidnapped children are for.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[talking to Storm Shadow, who is reading his lines]'' OK, Storm Shadow, these two children will be running with scissors. Now, this upsets you, and you...
:'''Storm Shadow''': Why?
:'''COBRA Commander''': It's dangerous to run with scissors.
:'''Storm Shadow''': I run with Katana. Is that not dangerous?
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow, I hadn't thought of that. Excellent point, Storm Shadow. ''[whispers to Tomax]'' Get this piece of ''[bleep]'' off my set!
:''[One of the children runs past, giggling while running with scissors, but ends up getting killed by Storm Shadow]''
:'''Storm Shadow''': Well, COBRA Commander, it looks like I owe you an apology.
:''[First COBRA PSA: Serpentor telling children about using supplies only at the post office]''
:'''Serpentor''': So, remember, only take supplies if you'll use them for post office business. Any other use is a felony.
:'''Boy''': Now I'm aware.
:'''Serpentor''': ''[putting his arms around the children and smiling]'' And awareness is the second 50% of the conflict in question. ''[beat]'' Somebody say ''[bleep]''ing &quot;Cut&quot;!
:''[Second COBRA PSA: COBRA Commander tells children about the joys of reading]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': And I think you'll find it's not hard to read when you take the time to sssssssssound it out. ''[both children giggle]'' Oh, yesss, I've got a sssmall ssspeech impediment. ''[both children laugh; irritated]'' It'sss not funny! ''[removes his mask, as the children scream and run away, only for the Commander to shoot them dead]'' Shut. It. Down.
:''[At the next Emmy Awards...]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Star in a COBRA PSA&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[shaking his fist]'' What?!
:'''Destro''': ''[shouting over to the troops]'' Pump the nerve gas!

===Link's Sausages [7.02]===
:''[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are standing in the street]''
:'''Tommy Pickles''': ''[holding his Reptar doll]'' Well, after crossing the freeway, base jumping off a cliff, and dodging bullets in a gang war, we finally found my Reptar doll.
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enters the street, finding the babies]'' Tommy! What are you doing in the street?!
:''[Cut to the Pickles' house]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, thank God! They've been lost for hours! Where were they?
:'''Didi Pickles''': Stu, a word?  ''[they walk into the kitchen, their voices get muffled as they talk with the door shut]'' What the ''[bleep]'', Stu?!
:'''Stu Pickles''': Well, I'm sorry. The babies escaped, and I-
:'''Didi Pickles''': Escaped?! They're babies, you sackless moron!
:'''Stu Pickles''': I was downstairs, working on a new toy, and they just-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, a new toy! Never mind, then!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[tearing up]'' Didi, if you keep ridiculing my work, I-I swear to God-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enraged]'' What?! You'll hit me?! Ooh, you're such a man!
:''[Thudding and crashing are heard as Didi violently beats Stu offscreen]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': Didi, stop!
:'''Didi Pickles''': I'll be the man! See, Stu?! I'm the man!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[sobbing]'' I want a divorce!
:''[The babies look devastated as the screen cut to static]''

===Secret of the Booze [7.03]===
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf shaving his beard in his house]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': I don't usually get involved in day-to-day operations, so I'm smurfing undercover. They'll never smurf it's me. ''[chuckles; takes off his pants]'' Ohh, I haven't smurfed these things off in nearly 300 years! Talk about crotch rot!
:''[Title Card: Undercover Smurf Boss]''
:'''Farmer Smurf''': So, you're my new intern, huh?
:'''Papa Smurf''': That's right, Farmer Smurf. Teach me to care about your sad, little life...I mean your noble and fulfilling, uh, career choice.
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Well, Smurfs are a thirsty bunch, so we got to smurf them fresh milk every day!
:''[A giant caterpillar slithers in and turns onto its side, revealing its udders]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[being filmed]'' We've been drinking CATERPILLAR MILK?! ''[milks the giant caterpillar, his hands getting sore]'' Oh, this is agony. It feels like my hands are gonna smurf off!
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Yep, my carpal tunnel got so bad, they had to fuse my wrist bones in place!
:'''Papa Smurf''': But our healthcare is smurfy, right?
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Eh, my deductible is 2,000 smurfberries.
:'''Papa Smurf''': WHAT?! ''[cash register dings]''
:''[Title Card: 1 Smurfberry = 1.78 USD]''
:''[Scene cuts to the Smurf Hospital. Doctor Smurf packs his medical bag]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': Doctor Smurf, why are deductibles so high?
:'''Doctor Smurf''': Boy, you smurf a lot of uppity questions for an intern. Uh, just treat the next patient while I go for a Jamba Juice run in my gold-plated helicopter.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Actually, I'm not really qualified.
:''[Outside the window, Doctor Smurf takes off in his gold-plated helicopter. Door opens, Smurfette and Handy Smurf enter the room]''
:'''Smurfette''': We need Doctor Smurf! Handy had an accident!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Did someone get a sliver? ''[Handy shows his bleeding hand, missing all of his fingers]'' OH MY SMURFING GOD!!!
:'''Handy Smurf''': I sawed right through a load-bearing mushroom! Half our building materials are fungus! Oh, trade school didn't prepare me for this!
:'''Smurfette''': You can smurf his fingers, right, nurse?
:'''Papa Smurf''': I'll certainly try. ''[being filmed]'' I certainly tried.
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf sewing Handy's fingers while Handy lies dead on the table]''
:'''Smurfette''': ''[crying]'' You can probably stop sewing.
:'''Papa Smurf''': No, no, no. I-I'm gonna get this. ''[walks up to Grouchy Smurf]'' So, Grouchy Smurf, how's the coffee today?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate coffee!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh! Okay. But how do you like working here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate working here.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh, goodness. Okay. Well, is there anything that maybe Papa Smurf could do?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate Papa Smurf!
:'''Papa Smurf''': All right, what exactly do you do around here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I-I hate stuff?
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[puts on his red hat]'' I'm being deadly serious.
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I...I... ''[cuts to him, shoveling dog poop outside]'' I hate shoveling dog ''[bleep]''.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Well, now that's actually an appropriate reaction. Carry on, dog-''[bleep]'' Smurf! ''[leaves]''
:''[More dog poop falls from above, next to Grouchy]''

===Rebel Appliance [7.04]===
:'''Lion-O''': My fellow Thundercats! When danger is near, I shall hold the Sword of Omens aloft and yell out a battle cry
:'''Cheetara''': What shall our battle cry be, Lion-O?
:'''Lion-O''': &quot;Thunder, thunder, thunder, thundercats, I need you because evil is near, and we are friends, and we are a team. So we must come together and fight because the Eye of Thundera is in the sky, and it is summoning everyone together. So please come here Panthro and Tygra and Panthro and also Cheetara and also Wilykit and Wilicat and also Snarf. I think I said Panthro twice. I won't do that every time. Yes, we are the Thundercats. This is our battle cry. I love you guys. You are my best friends, and I am Lion-O and I am a Thundercat, and you guys are Thundercats too. Mumm Ra is not a Thundercat, he's bad and we're gonna win against him, because we are the Thundercats, and the Thundercats are here for you today because we are the Thundercats yeah, I'm Lion-O&quot;. I hope you write that down.
:'''Snarf''': I liked it. ''[Wilykat slaps him]'' OW!

===Legion of Super-Gyros [7.05]===
:''[With Grover and Oscar the Grouch]''
:'''Grover''': Oh boy, it sure is a great day here on Sesame Street!
:'''Oscar''': Yeah, especially since we're the last neighborhood in New York that hasn't been gentrified.
:'''Grover''': Until today, because our special guest is Hannah Horvath from the marginally popular but ignored in the flyover states HBO series, Girls!
:'''Hannah''': Hey, do you know where I could find a cocaine dealer/organic Vietnamese taco truck around here?
:'''Oscar''': ''[Bleep]'' me! ''[gets back inside his trash can]''
:'''Hannah''': ''[feels Grover]'' Ooh, you're so cute! ''[later that night]'' I really love how you don't play games, Grover.
:'''Grover''': Oh but I play lots of games, patty cake, and marco polo...Ugh!
:'''Hannah''': ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jacking off]'' Insult my parents! Oh yeah!
:'''Grover''': Woah! ''[scene cuts to him and Hannah learning about numbers with apples]'' Today, we are going to learn about the number 3, I have 3 apples!
:'''Hannah''': And I know 3 girls who were date raped at the same bar on 6th street.
:'''Grover''': That is sad. ''[Hannah eats the apple]'' Uh...you're eating my props.
:'''Hannah''': I'm proud of my body.
:'''Grover''': I know, I know.
:'''Hannah''': Ugh! Yeah! ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jerking off again]''
:'''Grover''': Oh, God!

===El Skeletorio [7.06]===
:'''Crypt Keeper''': Oh, hello! I was just enjoying the latest best &quot;heller&quot;! ''[laughs evilly, but then rips off book cover]'' This is actually Dan Brown's &quot;Inferno.&quot; It's a piece of shit. Our next tale is something of an &quot;alle-gory&quot;! You might say it's a &quot;meta-gore&quot;! Let's just roll it.
:''[Cuts to the outside of Bitch Pudding's house, where the title of the sketch appears. We cut to inside the hpuse, where Bitch Pudding is sleeping]''
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out. Get out of the house. Get out of the hou-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Why don't you get your tongue out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole so I can jam your mama's ''[bleep]'' up there, you ''[bleep]''-gargling pile of monkey spunk? Nothing to say now, huh?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': There's just a lot to unpack there.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Well, wake me up when you figure it out, ''[bleep]'' stick. ''[goes back to sleep]''
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding goes to her fridge when she sees the chairs and flower pot of her table are now completely deformed]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed, she flips them over and destroys them]'' BLAM! Where's your ''[bleep]''-ass art project now, ''[bleep]'' nut?
:'''Ghostly voice''': It wasn't supposed to be art, it was supposed to scare you! God! Forget it! I'm leaving! ''[cuts to Strawberry Shortcake's house, where she is sleeping]'' Strawberry Shortcake!
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': ''[wakes up]'' Huh? What?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out of the house!
:''[A red substance begins to ooze out of the walls, causing Strawberry Shortcake to scream in fear]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[breaks in through the window]'' Hey, ''[bleep]''ing clown, if you're ragging so bad, why don't you take your mama's tampon out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole and lick it clean before you shove it up your ''[bleep]''?!
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Hey, stop talking about my dad's ''[bleep]''hole! I'll-I'll leave town, okay? Oh, FYI, that isn't blood, that is strawberry jam, m'lady. The insulation is leaking. All I did was turn the painting upside down. Live with it.
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': Do you think he was right about the insulation? That could be berry expensive.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hmm, let's see. That depends on whether I give a ''[bleep]'', ''[bleep]'' tits! ''[make a fanfare noise]'' Bitch Pudding! BLAM! ''[jumps out the window]''
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': I should really move.

===Snarfer Image [7.07]===
:''[Ticking, cuts to Elmer Fudd in a field]''
:'''Elmer Fudd:'' ''[narrating]'' Time travel has not been invented yet, ''[cocks his gun]'' but in 30 years, it will be. ''[gunshot]'' In the future, TV networks don't awwow cartoons to have guns, so if they want to kill someone, they send them back here to me. My name is Elmer Fudd, and I'm a Wooper. ''[Title Card: Wooper]'' The only wule is never let your target escape, even if your target is you.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': ''[appears in the field]'' What are you waiting for? Shoot me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': What?!
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': In the future, they don't let me have a gun! That was my one dimension as a character! Know what I did yesterday? I slept for 15 hours and then beat it to a Weader's Digest! Help me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': I can't.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': Come on, give it to me. ''[crying]'' Pleeeease. ''[gunshot]''
:'''Yosemite Sam''': ''[appears in the field]'' I'll have what he's having. ''[gunshot]''
:''[Cuts to Porky Pig on the Looney Tunes circles. The words &quot;That's all, folks!&quot; appear in front]''
:'''Porky Pig''': Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-...That's all, folks! ''[gunshot]''

===Up, Up, and Buffet [7.08]===
:'''Fiona''': The spell has broken! This was my true form all along! I can't wait to marry you, Shrek!
:'''Shrek''': Marry you?
:'''Fiona''': Well, yeah! Since we look the same now, we'll live happily ever after!
:'''Shrek''': Fiona, every morning, I look at myself in the mirror, and I wish my mother had the courage to throw me in the river when I was born. Then I make my way to the putrid swamps, the only place on God's green Earth a monster like me feels at home. Sometimes, children gather to scream at me. &quot;Monster!  Animal!&quot;, they yell. Then someone screams, &quot;Kill yourself!&quot; and it takes a few seconds to realize the voice is coming from my own mouth! By then, I've made my way to the old hanging tree. Before I have time to think about it, I'm wrapping a vine around my own neck. It goes &quot;tot&quot; and I pray to the gods that this time, the vine will hold! But alas, everyday, I wake up in my own filth and I lie there and I cry. I cry because I'll live to see my face again! So nay, marrying a lass with a face as hideous as my own is not on my to-do list!
:'''Fiona''':''[with her mouth full]'' Have you tried these mini cheeseburgers? They're great! ''[sees Shrek hanging from a noose, and to Shrek's disappointment, the noose snaps]''

===Panthropologie [7.09]===
:''[Caption: LEGO City, 2014]''
:'''Wife''': Honey, look out! Cliche!
:'''Gerry''': Huh? ''[all screaming]'' What's happening?!
:'''Cop''': Kre-O! They're everywh- Aah! ''[gets torn apart by the Kre-O's]''
:'''Wife''': There's something wrong with them. They look like us but different!
:'''General''': ''[lands in the helicopter]'' This way! Hurry! Your life has more value than other people! ''[the Lanes get onto the helicopter]'' Gerry, we need your expertise!
:'''Gerry''': My expertise? I'm not a soldier!
:'''General''': Gerry, we need a lawyer.
:''[Title Card: WORLD WAR B (as in blocks)]''
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': Put simply, Gerry, we're being invaded by imitation blocks.
:'''Assistant''': Off-brand products with a taste for LEGO blood!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': They're nearly identical but different. Wrong. Like when you sit on your hand until it goes to sleep. You try to pretend Flo from the Progressive commercials is giving you an HJ, but you know it's not Flo. You know that! She'd never be so clumsy, so artless.
:'''General''': That's impossible! We're trademarked!
:'''Gerry''': No, general. LEGO bricks aren't protected by trademark. They're protected by patent.
:'''General''': Hell, man, what's the difference?
:'''Gerry''': The difference is...patents expire! Cool! Someone turned that legal document into a GIF. That's fun.
:'''General''': Isn't it &quot;jiff&quot;? Anyway, how do we stop it?
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': There's nothing we can do. ''[whispering]'' Don't worry, Flo. I'll protect you.
:'''Assistant''': Don't worry, girl from the Wendy's commercials.
:'''General''': Don't worry, GEICO gecko.
:''[Cut to the map]''
:'''Gerry''': ''[narrating]'' They covered the whole globe in no time: Mega Bloks, Kre-O, Best-Lock, CoCo, BanBao, Rokenbok, Super Blocks, and Leggo with two g's, which was especially insulting.
:''[Caption: Lego Headquarters, Denmark]''
:''[Zombies groaning]''
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' LEGO my baby, LEGO my honey, LEGO my ragtime gal...
:'''Son''': Daddy, are we safe?
:'''Gerry''': Of course we are, son. People are singing, aren't they? Ugh. That is the lowest form of music.
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' ...Honey, you'll lose me, then you'll be left alone...
:''[Zombies groaning loudly]''
:'''Gerry''': The terrible singing! They're attracted to the terrible singing! ''[the zombies start climbing over the walls. Gerry knocks out the quartet. Soldiers start shooting]'' Ohh! - Ow! Fire! Fire! They're too fast!-Ohh!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': ''[runs in with the syringe]'' Gerry, I've found a way to camouflage ourselves!
:'''Gerry''': That beats my solution. ''[acts out shooting zombies, and then acts out shooting himself]'' Pew pew! Pew pew! Pew!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': LEGOs are machined to a tolerance of 10 micrometers! That's why we're so expensive! But this serum will make us look cheaper and sloppier! ''[injects himself]'' Aah! ''[turns into a Playmobil figure]'' We look like them now!
:'''Gerry''': I'd rather die.
:'''Son''': ''[notices something]'' What?! They have Transformers?
:'''Gerry''': No, son! No!
:'''Son''': Aah! ''[Bumblebee rips him in half]''
:'''Gerry''': Nooooooo!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': You probably don't even want to go on living now.
:'''Gerry''': Huh? Oh, that was just a kid from my wife's first marriage. But that looked really painful. Hit me with the juice! ''[gets injected]'' Ugh! ''[the serum transforms him into...]'' No! You turned me into a ''[bleep]''ing DUPLO! It's the same company as LEGO, you fool! Aah! Aah! ''[Mrs. Lane and the Doctor run away whilst DUPLO Gerry gets his head ripped off]'' Guys, is this ending working? Let's re-shoot it.
:''[Zombies murmuring]''

===Catdog on a Stick [7.10]===
:'''Executive''': You sure you wanna do a movie, Tiger?
:'''Tiger''': I want to be beloved again, like before I had sex with all those waitresses from IHOP. Jordan did Space Jam. I want my Space Jam.
:'''Executive''': Well, studios aren't lining up to lend their characters to a Tiger Woods movie. Everyone aggressively passed except DiC, but I cannot recommend that.
:''[Cut to the title card for the Golf Jam movie]''
:'''Singers''': Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to Tiger on the golf course]''
:'''Tiger''': Time for a day of playing golf and being faithful to my girlfriend. ''[falls down a large hole]'' What? Whoooooooa!! ''[lands in DiC Land, surrounded by Heathcliff and other DiC characters]'' Ow!
:'''Heathcliff''': Welcome to DiC Land, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[getting up from his fall and waving hello]'' Why, hi, Garfield.
:'''Heathcliff''': I'm Heathcliff. I'm more romantic and have an accent. This is Cleo.
:'''Cleo''': We need your help, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to put my penis in you... ''[snaps back to attention, and looks at the camera]'' I mean, I love my girlfriend.
:'''Cleo''': We brought you here because the evil Dork Punks challenged us to a game of golf.
:'''Tiger''': ''[once again enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to hump your face... ''[flustered]'' I mean, help your face- ''[snaps out of it again]'' Help you, I will help you!
:''[The Dork Punks walk into the shot, as Tiger turns to look at them]''
:'''Dork Punk''': Let's tee off, DiC-heads!
:''[Tiger and Heathcliff look at each other and nod, and we cut to a golf-playing montage. Tiger (now wearing a cap with the DiC logo on it) hits a beautful shot as Heathcliff, Cleo, and a couple of other toons watch. LongArm uses his gauntlet to sink a putt, as Tiger chats up Princess Lana and receives a slap to the face from her. As Cleo prepares to sink her putt, Tiger walks up from behind and starts pretending to hump her. Ja-Kal prepares to take a shot as Armon looks on, but a piece of Armon's gauze is caught on Ja-Kal's club. As Ja-Kal swings, he and Armon both get tied up in Armon's gauze. Tiger is seen in one of the bunkers with Nefer-Tina sitting on top of him, as she unwraps the gauze from her upper body much to Tiger's delight. The montage ends as Tiger is getting ready to sink his final putt, with Cleo and Hammerman watching on]''
:'''Hammerman''': If you sink this putt, we win!
:'''Tiger''': Wish me luck, Bobby Brown.
:'''Hammerman''': Bobby Brown? I'm Hammerman! I'm M.C. Hammer, except not, and I have magic shoes. ''[shows off his magic dancing shoes]''
:'''Tiger''': ''[looks at Cleo]'' You know, I don't even know if I want to save you DiC's. You're just uninspired rehashes of good ideas. Seriously, how cheap is DiC? This is a movie, and you all look like you were drawn on a napkin.
:'''Cleo''': Win the game and I'll blow you.
:''[Upon hearing this, Tiger immediately sinks the putt and wins the game. As the DiC toons celebrate, Tiger unzips his pants and takes a terrified Cleo by the hand into the Pancake House for his well-earned blowjob]''
:'''Hammerman''': ''[rapping]'' Everybody tee off, get a club in your hands, charisma-free sex addict saving DiC Land! Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to black with the bold white text &quot;Golf Jam was rented once from Redbox. The copy was returned on time.&quot;]''

===Super Guitaro Center [7.11]===
:'''Shredder''': The &quot;Channel 6 News Masquerade Ball&quot; is the opportunity for me to kidnap April O'Neil. She's the perfect bait to catch the turtles. ''[surprised to see April's costume]'' Wow! Out of that bulky lesbian jumpsuit, she's hot as ''[bleep]''!
:'''April''': Care to dance, Mr. Potter?
:'''Shredder''': WHAT?! ''[cuts to Shredder dancing with April]'' And, what's your costume?
:'''April''': Belle from &quot;Beauty and The Beast&quot;, but a dick-slut.
:'''Shredder''': Is your favorite restaurant, Taco &quot;Belle&quot;?
:''[Both laugh]''
:'''April''': You are hilarious.
:'''Shredder''': On the count of 3, say your favorite band. 1, 2, 3!
:'''Shredder and April''': Toad the Wet Sprocket! ''[pause, they both kiss]''
:'''April''': ''[feels the blade, and gasped]'' Wait. Are you-
:'''Shredder''': In love? Yes. WHAT?! Bye! ''[leaves]''
:'''April''': ''[realizing]'' Shredder?
:''[Cut to Shredder with April outside her apartment after the party]''
:'''Shredder''': Think of something poetic, Oroku. ''[to April]'' But soft, you are total boner food!
:'''April''': Oh, Shredder. My heart doesn't take sides.
:'''Shredder''': People won't approve.
:'''April''': No one can keep us apart.
:''[They both kiss again. Then cuts to the sewer]''
:'''Raphael''': Aww, Hell to the No! ''[punches a brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''April''': We're soul mates! We both love Toad the Wet Sprocket.
:'''Michelangelo''': Toad the-What?! Is that a sex thing?! Have you guys had sex?!
:'''April''': No. Just dry humping, and ball play.
:'''Raphael''': Ball play?! ''[punches the same brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''Splinter''': You must stay away from Shredder, April. He is dangerous. Sleep here tonight. Donatello, grab the guest pillows.
:''[Donatello grabs pizza boxes which are the guest pillows, and puts them on the couch. Later while everyone's asleep, Shredder comes up from behind the couch to see April]''
:'''April''': ''[gasps]'' What are you doing here?
:'''Shredder''': I came to say &quot;Hi&quot;, ''[lays down next to her]'' and also have sex after the whole &quot;Hi&quot; thing.
:'''April''': It's like Six Flags Hurricane Harbor in my panties right now. ''[they both kiss again. Later, we see her and Shredder outside the manhole]'' Mmm, Mmm. You really Toadied my Wet Sprocket. When will I see you again?
:'''Shredder''': Soon, I hope. I should go before the turtles wake up. Plus, I have some major ExtenZe farts coming on. ''[farts]''
:''[Next morning while April was having her breakfast]''
:'''Donatello''': April, just go on one date with Casey. He's a good guy.
:'''April''': Casey is a jobless loser in sweats! ''[walks away]''
:'''Casey''': Good start to my morning.
:'''[Cut to April with the Rat King]''
:'''April''': So, I left. What should I do, Mr. Rat King? I belong with Shredder.
:'''Rat King''': I have an idea! And my idea involves you taking a lot of poison very quickly.
:'''April''': ''[pause, interested]'' Go on?
:''[Cut to April playing dead]''
:'''Shredder''': ''[shocked]'' It can't be! April?! NO!!!! WHY?!?! ''[accidentally hits April with his spikes]''
:'''April''': ''[wakes up in pain]'' Ow! Ow! Ow! What the ''[bleep]''?! Shredder!
:'''Shredder''': April! You're alive!
:'''April''': The poison only made me appear dead. Didn't you read &quot;Romeo and Juliet&quot;, you ''[bleep]''ing ass clown? ''[gags and dies]''
:'''Shredder''': NOOOOOOO!!!!!! ''[a few seconds of silence]'' Just gonna take my Toad the Wet Sprocket bootleg back. ''[takes his CD back, and leaves]''

===Noidstrom Rack [7.12]===
===Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13]===
===Walking Dead Lobster [7.14]===
===Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15]===
===Bitch Pudding Special [7.16]===
===Batman Forever 21 [7.17]===
===The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's [7.18]===
===Chipotle Miserables [7.19]===
===The Robot Chicken Lots of Holidays But Don't Worry Christmas is Still In There Too so Pull the Stick Out of Your Ass Fox News Special [7.20]===</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3147810</id>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-26T21:55:46Z</timestamp>
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      <comment>/* Noidstrom Rack [7.12] */</comment>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="30647" xml:space="preserve">===G.I. Jogurt [7.01]===
:''[At the Emmy Awards, a G.I. Joe PSA of Roadblock talking to two children is shown on the big screen]''
:'''Roadblock''': I don't know why a 7-year-old would need to deep fry a turkey, but know you know how.
:'''Children''': And knowing is half the battle.
:''[The PSA ends with the &quot;G.I. Joe&quot; jingle]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Be a Turkey on Thanksgiving&quot;.
:''[The G.I. Joes clap, and Duke kisses Scarlett before he heads up with Roadblock to collect their award, while COBRA Commander and Destro watch on from the cheap seats]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': Look at them, Destro. The Joes churn out pedestrian advice to dead-eyed children, and the public eats it up! ''[mocking the Joes]'' &quot;Hey, kids, don't play with fallen electrical lines.&quot; ''[normal voice]'' Reads like a dispatch from the no-shit clinic.
:'''Destro''': I'll get the nerve gas.
:'''COBRA Commander''': No, you fool. We'll beat them at their own game. ''[clenching his fist]'' We'll create our own PSAs!
:''[Cut to COBRA Commander, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, and the Crimson Twins in the briefing room at COBRA Headquarters]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': OK, OK, let's just throw some ideas out there. This is a safe creative place. Dr. Mindbender, go.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Well, I thought our PSA could communicate an idea non-verbally. I've discovered that painting directly on celluloid creates a sort of &quot;tone poem&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Holy ''[bleep]'', that's sounds terrible. I'm sorry, safe place, but holy shit, that was fucking dumb. Next!
:'''Baroness''': ''[enters the room]'' Oh, I forgot you guys were in here writing. I was just looking for a hammer to hang my degree in screenwriting from Aberdeen. Anything I can do for you while I'm in here? ''[looks at him]'' Destro?
:'''Destro''': She's actually really funny, you guys.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Hey, you lost me at &quot;She's&quot;. ''[Bleep'' it! We're doing it without a script.
:''[Cut to the set of COBRA's PSAs, as Destro supervises, Storm Shadow is having his makeup done by one COBRA soldier, and two more soldiers move a camera. Dr. Mindbender enters the set with a group of children]''
:'''Destro''': Dr. Mindbender, you found four young children for our PSAs.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Uh, yes. ''[puts his arms around the children]'' That is what these kidnapped children are for.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[talking to Storm Shadow, who is reading his lines]'' OK, Storm Shadow, these two children will be running with scissors. Now, this upsets you, and you...
:'''Storm Shadow''': Why?
:'''COBRA Commander''': It's dangerous to run with scissors.
:'''Storm Shadow''': I run with Katana. Is that not dangerous?
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow, I hadn't thought of that. Excellent point, Storm Shadow. ''[whispers to Tomax]'' Get this piece of ''[bleep]'' off my set!
:''[One of the children runs past, giggling while running with scissors, but ends up getting killed by Storm Shadow]''
:'''Storm Shadow''': Well, COBRA Commander, it looks like I owe you an apology.
:''[First COBRA PSA: Serpentor telling children about using supplies only at the post office]''
:'''Serpentor''': So, remember, only take supplies if you'll use them for post office business. Any other use is a felony.
:'''Boy''': Now I'm aware.
:'''Serpentor''': ''[putting his arms around the children and smiling]'' And awareness is the second 50% of the conflict in question. ''[beat]'' Somebody say ''[bleep]''ing &quot;Cut&quot;!
:''[Second COBRA PSA: COBRA Commander tells children about the joys of reading]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': And I think you'll find it's not hard to read when you take the time to sssssssssound it out. ''[both children giggle]'' Oh, yesss, I've got a sssmall ssspeech impediment. ''[both children laugh; irritated]'' It'sss not funny! ''[removes his mask, as the children scream and run away, only for the Commander to shoot them dead]'' Shut. It. Down.
:''[At the next Emmy Awards...]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Star in a COBRA PSA&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[shaking his fist]'' What?!
:'''Destro''': ''[shouting over to the troops]'' Pump the nerve gas!

===Link's Sausages [7.02]===
:''[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are standing in the street]''
:'''Tommy Pickles''': ''[holding his Reptar doll]'' Well, after crossing the freeway, base jumping off a cliff, and dodging bullets in a gang war, we finally found my Reptar doll.
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enters the street, finding the babies]'' Tommy! What are you doing in the street?!
:''[Cut to the Pickles' house]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, thank God! They've been lost for hours! Where were they?
:'''Didi Pickles''': Stu, a word?  ''[they walk into the kitchen, their voices get muffled as they talk with the door shut]'' What the ''[bleep]'', Stu?!
:'''Stu Pickles''': Well, I'm sorry. The babies escaped, and I-
:'''Didi Pickles''': Escaped?! They're babies, you sackless moron!
:'''Stu Pickles''': I was downstairs, working on a new toy, and they just-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, a new toy! Never mind, then!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[tearing up]'' Didi, if you keep ridiculing my work, I-I swear to God-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enraged]'' What?! You'll hit me?! Ooh, you're such a man!
:''[Thudding and crashing are heard as Didi violently beats Stu offscreen]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': Didi, stop!
:'''Didi Pickles''': I'll be the man! See, Stu?! I'm the man!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[sobbing]'' I want a divorce!
:''[The babies look devastated as the screen cut to static]''

===Secret of the Booze [7.03]===
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf shaving his beard in his house]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': I don't usually get involved in day-to-day operations, so I'm smurfing undercover. They'll never smurf it's me. ''[chuckles; takes off his pants]'' Ohh, I haven't smurfed these things off in nearly 300 years! Talk about crotch rot!
:''[Title Card: Undercover Smurf Boss]''
:'''Farmer Smurf''': So, you're my new intern, huh?
:'''Papa Smurf''': That's right, Farmer Smurf. Teach me to care about your sad, little life...I mean your noble and fulfilling, uh, career choice.
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Well, Smurfs are a thirsty bunch, so we got to smurf them fresh milk every day!
:''[A giant caterpillar slithers in and turns onto its side, revealing its udders]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[being filmed]'' We've been drinking CATERPILLAR MILK?! ''[milks the giant caterpillar, his hands getting sore]'' Oh, this is agony. It feels like my hands are gonna smurf off!
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Yep, my carpal tunnel got so bad, they had to fuse my wrist bones in place!
:'''Papa Smurf''': But our healthcare is smurfy, right?
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Eh, my deductible is 2,000 smurfberries.
:'''Papa Smurf''': WHAT?! ''[cash register dings]''
:''[Title Card: 1 Smurfberry = 1.78 USD]''
:''[Scene cuts to the Smurf Hospital. Doctor Smurf packs his medical bag]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': Doctor Smurf, why are deductibles so high?
:'''Doctor Smurf''': Boy, you smurf a lot of uppity questions for an intern. Uh, just treat the next patient while I go for a Jamba Juice run in my gold-plated helicopter.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Actually, I'm not really qualified.
:''[Outside the window, Doctor Smurf takes off in his gold-plated helicopter. Door opens, Smurfette and Handy Smurf enter the room]''
:'''Smurfette''': We need Doctor Smurf! Handy had an accident!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Did someone get a sliver? ''[Handy shows his bleeding hand, missing all of his fingers]'' OH MY SMURFING GOD!!!
:'''Handy Smurf''': I sawed right through a load-bearing mushroom! Half our building materials are fungus! Oh, trade school didn't prepare me for this!
:'''Smurfette''': You can smurf his fingers, right, nurse?
:'''Papa Smurf''': I'll certainly try. ''[being filmed]'' I certainly tried.
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf sewing Handy's fingers while Handy lies dead on the table]''
:'''Smurfette''': ''[crying]'' You can probably stop sewing.
:'''Papa Smurf''': No, no, no. I-I'm gonna get this. ''[walks up to Grouchy Smurf]'' So, Grouchy Smurf, how's the coffee today?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate coffee!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh! Okay. But how do you like working here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate working here.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh, goodness. Okay. Well, is there anything that maybe Papa Smurf could do?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate Papa Smurf!
:'''Papa Smurf''': All right, what exactly do you do around here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I-I hate stuff?
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[puts on his red hat]'' I'm being deadly serious.
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I...I... ''[cuts to him, shoveling dog poop outside]'' I hate shoveling dog ''[bleep]''.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Well, now that's actually an appropriate reaction. Carry on, dog-''[bleep]'' Smurf! ''[leaves]''
:''[More dog poop falls from above, next to Grouchy]''

===Rebel Appliance [7.04]===
:'''Lion-O''': My fellow Thundercats! When danger is near, I shall hold the Sword of Omens aloft and yell out a battle cry
:'''Cheetara''': What shall our battle cry be, Lion-O?
:'''Lion-O''': &quot;Thunder, thunder, thunder, thundercats, I need you because evil is near, and we are friends, and we are a team. So we must come together and fight because the Eye of Thundera is in the sky, and it is summoning everyone together. So please come here Panthro and Tygra and Panthro and also Cheetara and also Wilykit and Wilicat and also Snarf. I think I said Panthro twice. I won't do that every time. Yes, we are the Thundercats. This is our battle cry. I love you guys. You are my best friends, and I am Lion-O and I am a Thundercat, and you guys are Thundercats too. Mumm Ra is not a Thundercat, he's bad and we're gonna win against him, because we are the Thundercats, and the Thundercats are here for you today because we are the Thundercats yeah, I'm Lion-O&quot;. I hope you write that down.
:'''Snarf''': I liked it. ''[Wilykat slaps him]'' OW!

===Legion of Super-Gyros [7.05]===
:''[With Grover and Oscar the Grouch]''
:'''Grover''': Oh boy, it sure is a great day here on Sesame Street!
:'''Oscar''': Yeah, especially since we're the last neighborhood in New York that hasn't been gentrified.
:'''Grover''': Until today, because our special guest is Hannah Horvath from the marginally popular but ignored in the flyover states HBO series, Girls!
:'''Hannah''': Hey, do you know where I could find a cocaine dealer/organic Vietnamese taco truck around here?
:'''Oscar''': ''[Bleep]'' me! ''[gets back inside his trash can]''
:'''Hannah''': ''[feels Grover]'' Ooh, you're so cute! ''[later that night]'' I really love how you don't play games, Grover.
:'''Grover''': Oh but I play lots of games, patty cake, and marco polo...Ugh!
:'''Hannah''': ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jacking off]'' Insult my parents! Oh yeah!
:'''Grover''': Woah! ''[scene cuts to him and Hannah learning about numbers with apples]'' Today, we are going to learn about the number 3, I have 3 apples!
:'''Hannah''': And I know 3 girls who were date raped at the same bar on 6th street.
:'''Grover''': That is sad. ''[Hannah eats the apple]'' Uh...you're eating my props.
:'''Hannah''': I'm proud of my body.
:'''Grover''': I know, I know.
:'''Hannah''': Ugh! Yeah! ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jerking off again]''
:'''Grover''': Oh, God!

===El Skeletorio [7.06]===
:'''Crypt Keeper''': Oh, hello! I was just enjoying the latest best &quot;heller&quot;! ''[laughs evilly, but then rips off book cover]'' This is actually Dan Brown's &quot;Inferno.&quot; It's a piece of shit. Our next tale is something of an &quot;alle-gory&quot;! You might say it's a &quot;meta-gore&quot;! Let's just roll it.
:''[Cuts to the outside of Bitch Pudding's house, where the title of the sketch appears. We cut to inside the hpuse, where Bitch Pudding is sleeping]''
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out. Get out of the house. Get out of the hou-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Why don't you get your tongue out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole so I can jam your mama's ''[bleep]'' up there, you ''[bleep]''-gargling pile of monkey spunk? Nothing to say now, huh?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': There's just a lot to unpack there.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Well, wake me up when you figure it out, ''[bleep]'' stick. ''[goes back to sleep]''
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding goes to her fridge when she sees the chairs and flower pot of her table are now completely deformed]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed, she flips them over and destroys them]'' BLAM! Where's your ''[bleep]''-ass art project now, ''[bleep]'' nut?
:'''Ghostly voice''': It wasn't supposed to be art, it was supposed to scare you! God! Forget it! I'm leaving! ''[cuts to Strawberry Shortcake's house, where she is sleeping]'' Strawberry Shortcake!
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': ''[wakes up]'' Huh? What?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out of the house!
:''[A red substance begins to ooze out of the walls, causing Strawberry Shortcake to scream in fear]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[breaks in through the window]'' Hey, ''[bleep]''ing clown, if you're ragging so bad, why don't you take your mama's tampon out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole and lick it clean before you shove it up your ''[bleep]''?!
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Hey, stop talking about my dad's ''[bleep]''hole! I'll-I'll leave town, okay? Oh, FYI, that isn't blood, that is strawberry jam, m'lady. The insulation is leaking. All I did was turn the painting upside down. Live with it.
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': Do you think he was right about the insulation? That could be berry expensive.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hmm, let's see. That depends on whether I give a ''[bleep]'', ''[bleep]'' tits! ''[make a fanfare noise]'' Bitch Pudding! BLAM! ''[jumps out the window]''
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': I should really move.

===Snarfer Image [7.07]===
:''[Ticking, cuts to Elmer Fudd in a field]''
:'''Elmer Fudd:'' ''[narrating]'' Time travel has not been invented yet, ''[cocks his gun]'' but in 30 years, it will be. ''[gunshot]'' In the future, TV networks don't awwow cartoons to have guns, so if they want to kill someone, they send them back here to me. My name is Elmer Fudd, and I'm a Wooper. ''[Title Card: Wooper]'' The only wule is never let your target escape, even if your target is you.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': ''[appears in the field]'' What are you waiting for? Shoot me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': What?!
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': In the future, they don't let me have a gun! That was my one dimension as a character! Know what I did yesterday? I slept for 15 hours and then beat it to a Weader's Digest! Help me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': I can't.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': Come on, give it to me. ''[crying]'' Pleeeease. ''[gunshot]''
:'''Yosemite Sam''': ''[appears in the field]'' I'll have what he's having. ''[gunshot]''
:''[Cuts to Porky Pig on the Looney Tunes circles. The words &quot;That's all, folks!&quot; appear in front]''
:'''Porky Pig''': Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-...That's all, folks! ''[gunshot]''

===Up, Up, and Buffet [7.08]===
:'''Fiona''': The spell has broken! This was my true form all along! I can't wait to marry you, Shrek!
:'''Shrek''': Marry you?
:'''Fiona''': Well, yeah! Since we look the same now, we'll live happily ever after!
:'''Shrek''': Fiona, every morning, I look at myself in the mirror, and I wish my mother had the courage to throw me in the river when I was born. Then I make my way to the putrid swamps, the only place on God's green Earth a monster like me feels at home. Sometimes, children gather to scream at me. &quot;Monster!  Animal!&quot;, they yell. Then someone screams, &quot;Kill yourself!&quot; and it takes a few seconds to realize the voice is coming from my own mouth! By then, I've made my way to the old hanging tree. Before I have time to think about it, I'm wrapping a vine around my own neck. It goes &quot;tot&quot; and I pray to the gods that this time, the vine will hold! But alas, everyday, I wake up in my own filth and I lie there and I cry. I cry because I'll live to see my face again! So nay, marrying a lass with a face as hideous as my own is not on my to-do list!
:'''Fiona''':''[with her mouth full]'' Have you tried these mini cheeseburgers? They're great! ''[sees Shrek hanging from a noose, and to Shrek's disappointment, the noose snaps]''

===Panthropologie [7.09]===
:''[Caption: LEGO City, 2014]''
:'''Wife''': Honey, look out! Cliche!
:'''Gerry''': Huh? ''[all screaming]'' What's happening?!
:'''Cop''': Kre-O! They're everywh- Aah! ''[gets torn apart by the Kre-O's]''
:'''Wife''': There's something wrong with them. They look like us but different!
:'''General''': ''[lands in the helicopter]'' This way! Hurry! Your life has more value than other people! ''[the Lanes get onto the helicopter]'' Gerry, we need your expertise!
:'''Gerry''': My expertise? I'm not a soldier!
:'''General''': Gerry, we need a lawyer.
:''[Title Card: WORLD WAR B (as in blocks)]''
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': Put simply, Gerry, we're being invaded by imitation blocks.
:'''Assistant''': Off-brand products with a taste for LEGO blood!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': They're nearly identical but different. Wrong. Like when you sit on your hand until it goes to sleep. You try to pretend Flo from the Progressive commercials is giving you an HJ, but you know it's not Flo. You know that! She'd never be so clumsy, so artless.
:'''General''': That's impossible! We're trademarked!
:'''Gerry''': No, general. LEGO bricks aren't protected by trademark. They're protected by patent.
:'''General''': Hell, man, what's the difference?
:'''Gerry''': The difference is...patents expire! Cool! Someone turned that legal document into a GIF. That's fun.
:'''General''': Isn't it &quot;jiff&quot;? Anyway, how do we stop it?
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': There's nothing we can do. ''[whispering]'' Don't worry, Flo. I'll protect you.
:'''Assistant''': Don't worry, girl from the Wendy's commercials.
:'''General''': Don't worry, GEICO gecko.
:''[Cut to the map]''
:'''Gerry''': ''[narrating]'' They covered the whole globe in no time: Mega Bloks, Kre-O, Best-Lock, CoCo, BanBao, Rokenbok, Super Blocks, and Leggo with two g's, which was especially insulting.
:''[Caption: Lego Headquarters, Denmark]''
:''[Zombies groaning]''
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' LEGO my baby, LEGO my honey, LEGO my ragtime gal...
:'''Son''': Daddy, are we safe?
:'''Gerry''': Of course we are, son. People are singing, aren't they? Ugh. That is the lowest form of music.
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' ...Honey, you'll lose me, then you'll be left alone...
:''[Zombies groaning loudly]''
:'''Gerry''': The terrible singing! They're attracted to the terrible singing! ''[the zombies start climbing over the walls. Gerry knocks out the quartet. Soldiers start shooting]'' Ohh! - Ow! Fire! Fire! They're too fast!-Ohh!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': ''[runs in with the syringe]'' Gerry, I've found a way to camouflage ourselves!
:'''Gerry''': That beats my solution. ''[acts out shooting zombies, and then acts out shooting himself]'' Pew pew! Pew pew! Pew!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': LEGOs are machined to a tolerance of 10 micrometers! That's why we're so expensive! But this serum will make us look cheaper and sloppier! ''[injects himself]'' Aah! ''[turns into a Playmobil figure]'' We look like them now!
:'''Gerry''': I'd rather die.
:'''Son''': ''[notices something]'' What?! They have Transformers?
:'''Gerry''': No, son! No!
:'''Son''': Aah! ''[Bumblebee rips him in half]''
:'''Gerry''': Nooooooo!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': You probably don't even want to go on living now.
:'''Gerry''': Huh? Oh, that was just a kid from my wife's first marriage. But that looked really painful. Hit me with the juice! ''[gets injected]'' Ugh! ''[the serum transforms him into...]'' No! You turned me into a ''[bleep]''ing DUPLO! It's the same company as LEGO, you fool! Aah! Aah! ''[Mrs. Lane and the Doctor run away whilst DUPLO Gerry gets his head ripped off]'' Guys, is this ending working? Let's re-shoot it.
:''[Zombies murmuring]''

===Catdog on a Stick [7.10]===
:'''Executive''': You sure you wanna do a movie, Tiger?
:'''Tiger''': I want to be beloved again, like before I had sex with all those waitresses from IHOP. Jordan did Space Jam. I want my Space Jam.
:'''Executive''': Well, studios aren't lining up to lend their characters to a Tiger Woods movie. Everyone aggressively passed except DiC, but I cannot recommend that.
:''[Cut to the title card for the Golf Jam movie]''
:'''Singers''': Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to Tiger on the golf course]''
:'''Tiger''': Time for a day of playing golf and being faithful to my girlfriend. ''[falls down a large hole]'' What? Whoooooooa!! ''[lands in DiC Land, surrounded by Heathcliff and other DiC characters]'' Ow!
:'''Heathcliff''': Welcome to DiC Land, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[getting up from his fall and waving hello]'' Why, hi, Garfield.
:'''Heathcliff''': I'm Heathcliff. I'm more romantic and have an accent. This is Cleo.
:'''Cleo''': We need your help, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to put my penis in you... ''[snaps back to attention, and looks at the camera]'' I mean, I love my girlfriend.
:'''Cleo''': We brought you here because the evil Dork Punks challenged us to a game of golf.
:'''Tiger''': ''[once again enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to hump your face... ''[flustered]'' I mean, help your face- ''[snaps out of it again]'' Help you, I will help you!
:''[The Dork Punks walk into the shot, as Tiger turns to look at them]''
:'''Dork Punk''': Let's tee off, DiC-heads!
:''[Tiger and Heathcliff look at each other and nod, and we cut to a golf-playing montage. Tiger (now wearing a cap with the DiC logo on it) hits a beautful shot as Heathcliff, Cleo, and a couple of other toons watch. LongArm uses his gauntlet to sink a putt, as Tiger chats up Princess Lana and receives a slap to the face from her. As Cleo prepares to sink her putt, Tiger walks up from behind and starts pretending to hump her. Ja-Kal prepares to take a shot as Armon looks on, but a piece of Armon's gauze is caught on Ja-Kal's club. As Ja-Kal swings, he and Armon both get tied up in Armon's gauze. Tiger is seen in one of the bunkers with Nefer-Tina sitting on top of him, as she unwraps the gauze from her upper body much to Tiger's delight. The montage ends as Tiger is getting ready to sink his final putt, with Cleo and Hammerman watching on]''
:'''Hammerman''': If you sink this putt, we win!
:'''Tiger''': Wish me luck, Bobby Brown.
:'''Hammerman''': Bobby Brown? I'm Hammerman! I'm M.C. Hammer, except not, and I have magic shoes. ''[shows off his magic dancing shoes]''
:'''Tiger''': ''[looks at Cleo]'' You know, I don't even know if I want to save you DiC's. You're just uninspired rehashes of good ideas. Seriously, how cheap is DiC? This is a movie, and you all look like you were drawn on a napkin.
:'''Cleo''': Win the game and I'll blow you.
:''[Upon hearing this, Tiger immediately sinks the putt and wins the game. As the DiC toons celebrate, Tiger unzips his pants and takes a terrified Cleo by the hand into the Pancake House for his well-earned blowjob]''
:'''Hammerman''': ''[rapping]'' Everybody tee off, get a club in your hands, charisma-free sex addict saving DiC Land! Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to black with the bold white text &quot;Golf Jam was rented once from Redbox. The copy was returned on time.&quot;]''

===Super Guitaro Center [7.11]===
:'''Shredder''': The &quot;Channel 6 News Masquerade Ball&quot; is the opportunity for me to kidnap April O'Neil. She's the perfect bait to catch the turtles. ''[surprised to see April's costume]'' Wow! Out of that bulky lesbian jumpsuit, she's hot as ''[bleep]''!
:'''April''': Care to dance, Mr. Potter?
:'''Shredder''': WHAT?! ''[cuts to Shredder dancing with April]'' And, what's your costume?
:'''April''': Belle from &quot;Beauty and The Beast&quot;, but a dick-slut.
:'''Shredder''': Is your favorite restaurant, Taco &quot;Belle&quot;?
:''[Both laugh]''
:'''April''': You are hilarious.
:'''Shredder''': On the count of 3, say your favorite band. 1, 2, 3!
:'''Shredder and April''': Toad the Wet Sprocket! ''[pause, they both kiss]''
:'''April''': ''[feels the blade, and gasped]'' Wait. Are you-
:'''Shredder''': In love? Yes. WHAT?! Bye! ''[leaves]''
:'''April''': ''[realizing]'' Shredder?
:''[Cut to Shredder with April outside her apartment after the party]''
:'''Shredder''': Think of something poetic, Oroku. ''[to April]'' But soft, you are total boner food!
:'''April''': Oh, Shredder. My heart doesn't take sides.
:'''Shredder''': People won't approve.
:'''April''': No one can keep us apart.
:''[They both kiss again. Then cuts to the sewer]''
:'''Raphael''': Aww, Hell to the No! ''[punches a brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''April''': We're soul mates! We both love Toad the Wet Sprocket.
:'''Michelangelo''': Toad the-What?! Is that a sex thing?! Have you guys had sex?!
:'''April''': No. Just dry humping, and ball play.
:'''Raphael''': Ball play?! ''[punches the same brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''Splinter''': You must stay away from Shredder, April. He is dangerous. Sleep here tonight. Donatello, grab the guest pillows.
:''[Donatello grabs pizza boxes which are the guest pillows, and puts them on the couch. Later while everyone's asleep, Shredder comes up from behind the couch to see April]''
:'''April''': ''[gasps]'' What are you doing here?
:'''Shredder''': I came to say &quot;Hi&quot;, ''[lays down next to her]'' and also have sex after the whole &quot;Hi&quot; thing.
:'''April''': It's like Six Flags Hurricane Harbor in my panties right now. ''[they both kiss again. Later, we see her and Shredder outside the manhole]'' Mmm, Mmm. You really Toadied my Wet Sprocket. When will I see you again?
:'''Shredder''': Soon, I hope. I should go before the turtles wake up. Plus, I have some major ExtenZe farts coming on. ''[farts]''
:''[Next morning while April was having her breakfast]''
:'''Donatello''': April, just go on one date with Casey. He's a good guy.
:'''April''': Casey is a jobless loser in sweats! ''[walks away]''
:'''Casey''': Good start to my morning.
:'''[Cut to April with the Rat King]''
:'''April''': So, I left. What should I do, Mr. Rat King? I belong with Shredder.
:'''Rat King''': I have an idea! And my idea involves you taking a lot of poison very quickly.
:'''April''': ''[pause, interested]'' Go on?
:''[Cut to April playing dead]''
:'''Shredder''': ''[shocked]'' It can't be! April?! NO!!!! WHY?!?! ''[accidentally hits April with his spikes]''
:'''April''': ''[wakes up in pain]'' Ow! Ow! Ow! What the ''[bleep]''?! Shredder!
:'''Shredder''': April! You're alive!
:'''April''': The poison only made me appear dead. Didn't you read &quot;Romeo and Juliet&quot;, you ''[bleep]''ing ass clown? ''[gags and dies]''
:'''Shredder''': NOOOOOOO!!!!!! ''[a few seconds of silence]'' Just gonna take my Toad the Wet Sprocket bootleg back. ''[takes his CD back, and leaves]''

===Noidstrom Rack [7.12]===
:'''Picard''': ''[dozing in the captain's chair on the bridge of the Enterprise]'' What's that Beverly? You want Wesley to watch? Hmm, make it so! ''[jerks awake]'' Oh, 2300 hours, time for the night crew to relieve us! ''[moves to leave the bridge, as Captain Jake enters]'' Captain.
:'''Captain Jake''': Capitan! ''[the Enterprise bridge crew file out, as their night crew replacements enter]'' Night crew, maintain course. ''[cut to the Enterprise moving through space]'' Space, the final frontier! These are the 11pm to 7am voyages of the Enterprise's night crew. Its continuing mission...is to PAR-TAY! ''[starts drinking from a beer can as the night crew cheer]''
:'''Night Crew''': Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! [A Borg cube appears on the view screen]
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Captain Jake, a Borg cube is hailing us.
:'''Captain Jake''': They probably want us to turn down our jams...Fat chance!
:'''Borg Drone''': Lower your shields, your culture will adapt to service us.
:'''Captain Jake''': You want us to service you?
:'''Borg Drone''': Affirmative. You will service the Borg, all night if needed! ''[Commander LaFreak sniggers. The Borg Drone looks unamused]'' Wait! Our hive mind has assimilated double entendres- real mature, guys! Prepare for assimilation! ''[the Borg cube begins to shoot at the Enterprise with its lasers]''
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Our shields won't last long, sir! Should we wake up the bald guy?
:'''Captain Jake''': ''[opens another can of beer]'' No way, Commander LaFreak! We'll beat the Borg like we beat that frat on Gallos 7!
:'''Commander LaFreak''': We'll sell naked photos of their girlfriends at a pie-eating contest?
:'''Captain Jake''': What?! No! Like any frat, the Borg share a hive mind, man. If we get one Borg to party, all Borg will party! Night crew, prepare to rock out with our Spocks out! ''[the night crew beam across to the Borg cube]'' Anybody order a partygram? ''[the night crew start playing music and drinking with the Borg drones in the cube. He pulls out a bottle of champagne to a female Borg drone]'' Wet t-shirt contest! ''[opens the champagne bottle on the female drone, who doesn't react even when he douses her chest]'' Oh right, no shirt...you want mine? ''[removes his Captain's jumper, just as the Borg drone he talked to advances on him]'' Whoa, chill out, dude! Wait, is she your daughter?
:'''Borg Drone''': Enough! Partying is futile! ''[jabs Captain Jake with its injection tubes, only to recoil. Captain Jake grins]'' Your blood, so full of beer! Your party, so hearty! ''[grabs a cup of beer from a Klingon night crew member and chugs it]'' Woo-hoooo! ''[the rest of the Borg join the drone and the night crew in partying]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Now this, I can assimilate! ''[he and the drone hug]''
:''[Cut to the Borg cube drawing a giant cock on a planet with its lasers. Cut to an awards ceremony on the bridge of the Enterprise]''
:'''Starfleet Admiral''': Captain Jake, Starfleet thanks you for defeating the Borg. ''[hangs a medal around Captain Jake's neck]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Bitchin'!
:'''Picard''': ''[fuming]'' NIGHT CREEEEEEWWWWW! ''[everyone looks round nervously, until he grins]'' Beer me! ''[the night crew cheer and Jake tosses Picard a can]'' You glorious sons of bitches!

===Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13]===
===Walking Dead Lobster [7.14]===
===Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15]===
===Bitch Pudding Special [7.16]===
===Batman Forever 21 [7.17]===
===The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's [7.18]===
===Chipotle Miserables [7.19]===
===The Robot Chicken Lots of Holidays But Don't Worry Christmas is Still In There Too so Pull the Stick Out of Your Ass Fox News Special [7.20]===</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147836</id>
      <parentid>3147810</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T22:13:23Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="35611" xml:space="preserve">===G.I. Jogurt [7.01]===
:''[At the Emmy Awards, a G.I. Joe PSA of Roadblock talking to two children is shown on the big screen]''
:'''Roadblock''': I don't know why a 7-year-old would need to deep fry a turkey, but know you know how.
:'''Children''': And knowing is half the battle.
:''[The PSA ends with the &quot;G.I. Joe&quot; jingle]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Be a Turkey on Thanksgiving&quot;.
:''[The G.I. Joes clap, and Duke kisses Scarlett before he heads up with Roadblock to collect their award, while COBRA Commander and Destro watch on from the cheap seats]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': Look at them, Destro. The Joes churn out pedestrian advice to dead-eyed children, and the public eats it up! ''[mocking the Joes]'' &quot;Hey, kids, don't play with fallen electrical lines.&quot; ''[normal voice]'' Reads like a dispatch from the no-shit clinic.
:'''Destro''': I'll get the nerve gas.
:'''COBRA Commander''': No, you fool. We'll beat them at their own game. ''[clenching his fist]'' We'll create our own PSAs!
:''[Cut to COBRA Commander, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, and the Crimson Twins in the briefing room at COBRA Headquarters]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': OK, OK, let's just throw some ideas out there. This is a safe creative place. Dr. Mindbender, go.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Well, I thought our PSA could communicate an idea non-verbally. I've discovered that painting directly on celluloid creates a sort of &quot;tone poem&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Holy ''[bleep]'', that's sounds terrible. I'm sorry, safe place, but holy shit, that was fucking dumb. Next!
:'''Baroness''': ''[enters the room]'' Oh, I forgot you guys were in here writing. I was just looking for a hammer to hang my degree in screenwriting from Aberdeen. Anything I can do for you while I'm in here? ''[looks at him]'' Destro?
:'''Destro''': She's actually really funny, you guys.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Hey, you lost me at &quot;She's&quot;. ''[Bleep'' it! We're doing it without a script.
:''[Cut to the set of COBRA's PSAs, as Destro supervises, Storm Shadow is having his makeup done by one COBRA soldier, and two more soldiers move a camera. Dr. Mindbender enters the set with a group of children]''
:'''Destro''': Dr. Mindbender, you found four young children for our PSAs.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Uh, yes. ''[puts his arms around the children]'' That is what these kidnapped children are for.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[talking to Storm Shadow, who is reading his lines]'' OK, Storm Shadow, these two children will be running with scissors. Now, this upsets you, and you...
:'''Storm Shadow''': Why?
:'''COBRA Commander''': It's dangerous to run with scissors.
:'''Storm Shadow''': I run with Katana. Is that not dangerous?
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow, I hadn't thought of that. Excellent point, Storm Shadow. ''[whispers to Tomax]'' Get this piece of ''[bleep]'' off my set!
:''[One of the children runs past, giggling while running with scissors, but ends up getting killed by Storm Shadow]''
:'''Storm Shadow''': Well, COBRA Commander, it looks like I owe you an apology.
:''[First COBRA PSA: Serpentor telling children about using supplies only at the post office]''
:'''Serpentor''': So, remember, only take supplies if you'll use them for post office business. Any other use is a felony.
:'''Boy''': Now I'm aware.
:'''Serpentor''': ''[putting his arms around the children and smiling]'' And awareness is the second 50% of the conflict in question. ''[beat]'' Somebody say ''[bleep]''ing &quot;Cut&quot;!
:''[Second COBRA PSA: COBRA Commander tells children about the joys of reading]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': And I think you'll find it's not hard to read when you take the time to sssssssssound it out. ''[both children giggle]'' Oh, yesss, I've got a sssmall ssspeech impediment. ''[both children laugh; irritated]'' It'sss not funny! ''[removes his mask, as the children scream and run away, only for the Commander to shoot them dead]'' Shut. It. Down.
:''[At the next Emmy Awards...]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Star in a COBRA PSA&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[shaking his fist]'' What?!
:'''Destro''': ''[shouting over to the troops]'' Pump the nerve gas!

===Link's Sausages [7.02]===
:''[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are standing in the street]''
:'''Tommy Pickles''': ''[holding his Reptar doll]'' Well, after crossing the freeway, base jumping off a cliff, and dodging bullets in a gang war, we finally found my Reptar doll.
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enters the street, finding the babies]'' Tommy! What are you doing in the street?!
:''[Cut to the Pickles' house]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, thank God! They've been lost for hours! Where were they?
:'''Didi Pickles''': Stu, a word?  ''[they walk into the kitchen, their voices get muffled as they talk with the door shut]'' What the ''[bleep]'', Stu?!
:'''Stu Pickles''': Well, I'm sorry. The babies escaped, and I-
:'''Didi Pickles''': Escaped?! They're babies, you sackless moron!
:'''Stu Pickles''': I was downstairs, working on a new toy, and they just-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, a new toy! Never mind, then!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[tearing up]'' Didi, if you keep ridiculing my work, I-I swear to God-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enraged]'' What?! You'll hit me?! Ooh, you're such a man!
:''[Thudding and crashing are heard as Didi violently beats Stu offscreen]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': Didi, stop!
:'''Didi Pickles''': I'll be the man! See, Stu?! I'm the man!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[sobbing]'' I want a divorce!
:''[The babies look devastated as the screen cut to static]''

===Secret of the Booze [7.03]===
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf shaving his beard in his house]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': I don't usually get involved in day-to-day operations, so I'm smurfing undercover. They'll never smurf it's me. ''[chuckles; takes off his pants]'' Ohh, I haven't smurfed these things off in nearly 300 years! Talk about crotch rot!
:''[Title Card: Undercover Smurf Boss]''
:'''Farmer Smurf''': So, you're my new intern, huh?
:'''Papa Smurf''': That's right, Farmer Smurf. Teach me to care about your sad, little life...I mean your noble and fulfilling, uh, career choice.
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Well, Smurfs are a thirsty bunch, so we got to smurf them fresh milk every day!
:''[A giant caterpillar slithers in and turns onto its side, revealing its udders]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[being filmed]'' We've been drinking CATERPILLAR MILK?! ''[milks the giant caterpillar, his hands getting sore]'' Oh, this is agony. It feels like my hands are gonna smurf off!
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Yep, my carpal tunnel got so bad, they had to fuse my wrist bones in place!
:'''Papa Smurf''': But our healthcare is smurfy, right?
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Eh, my deductible is 2,000 smurfberries.
:'''Papa Smurf''': WHAT?! ''[cash register dings]''
:''[Title Card: 1 Smurfberry = 1.78 USD]''
:''[Scene cuts to the Smurf Hospital. Doctor Smurf packs his medical bag]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': Doctor Smurf, why are deductibles so high?
:'''Doctor Smurf''': Boy, you smurf a lot of uppity questions for an intern. Uh, just treat the next patient while I go for a Jamba Juice run in my gold-plated helicopter.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Actually, I'm not really qualified.
:''[Outside the window, Doctor Smurf takes off in his gold-plated helicopter. Door opens, Smurfette and Handy Smurf enter the room]''
:'''Smurfette''': We need Doctor Smurf! Handy had an accident!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Did someone get a sliver? ''[Handy shows his bleeding hand, missing all of his fingers]'' OH MY SMURFING GOD!!!
:'''Handy Smurf''': I sawed right through a load-bearing mushroom! Half our building materials are fungus! Oh, trade school didn't prepare me for this!
:'''Smurfette''': You can smurf his fingers, right, nurse?
:'''Papa Smurf''': I'll certainly try. ''[being filmed]'' I certainly tried.
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf sewing Handy's fingers while Handy lies dead on the table]''
:'''Smurfette''': ''[crying]'' You can probably stop sewing.
:'''Papa Smurf''': No, no, no. I-I'm gonna get this. ''[walks up to Grouchy Smurf]'' So, Grouchy Smurf, how's the coffee today?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate coffee!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh! Okay. But how do you like working here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate working here.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh, goodness. Okay. Well, is there anything that maybe Papa Smurf could do?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate Papa Smurf!
:'''Papa Smurf''': All right, what exactly do you do around here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I-I hate stuff?
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[puts on his red hat]'' I'm being deadly serious.
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I...I... ''[cuts to him, shoveling dog poop outside]'' I hate shoveling dog ''[bleep]''.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Well, now that's actually an appropriate reaction. Carry on, dog-''[bleep]'' Smurf! ''[leaves]''
:''[More dog poop falls from above, next to Grouchy]''

===Rebel Appliance [7.04]===
:'''Lion-O''': My fellow Thundercats! When danger is near, I shall hold the Sword of Omens aloft and yell out a battle cry
:'''Cheetara''': What shall our battle cry be, Lion-O?
:'''Lion-O''': &quot;Thunder, thunder, thunder, thundercats, I need you because evil is near, and we are friends, and we are a team. So we must come together and fight because the Eye of Thundera is in the sky, and it is summoning everyone together. So please come here Panthro and Tygra and Panthro and also Cheetara and also Wilykit and Wilicat and also Snarf. I think I said Panthro twice. I won't do that every time. Yes, we are the Thundercats. This is our battle cry. I love you guys. You are my best friends, and I am Lion-O and I am a Thundercat, and you guys are Thundercats too. Mumm Ra is not a Thundercat, he's bad and we're gonna win against him, because we are the Thundercats, and the Thundercats are here for you today because we are the Thundercats yeah, I'm Lion-O&quot;. I hope you write that down.
:'''Snarf''': I liked it. ''[Wilykat slaps him]'' OW!

===Legion of Super-Gyros [7.05]===
:''[With Grover and Oscar the Grouch]''
:'''Grover''': Oh boy, it sure is a great day here on Sesame Street!
:'''Oscar''': Yeah, especially since we're the last neighborhood in New York that hasn't been gentrified.
:'''Grover''': Until today, because our special guest is Hannah Horvath from the marginally popular but ignored in the flyover states HBO series, Girls!
:'''Hannah''': Hey, do you know where I could find a cocaine dealer/organic Vietnamese taco truck around here?
:'''Oscar''': ''[Bleep]'' me! ''[gets back inside his trash can]''
:'''Hannah''': ''[feels Grover]'' Ooh, you're so cute! ''[later that night]'' I really love how you don't play games, Grover.
:'''Grover''': Oh but I play lots of games, patty cake, and marco polo...Ugh!
:'''Hannah''': ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jacking off]'' Insult my parents! Oh yeah!
:'''Grover''': Woah! ''[scene cuts to him and Hannah learning about numbers with apples]'' Today, we are going to learn about the number 3, I have 3 apples!
:'''Hannah''': And I know 3 girls who were date raped at the same bar on 6th street.
:'''Grover''': That is sad. ''[Hannah eats the apple]'' Uh...you're eating my props.
:'''Hannah''': I'm proud of my body.
:'''Grover''': I know, I know.
:'''Hannah''': Ugh! Yeah! ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jerking off again]''
:'''Grover''': Oh, God!

===El Skeletorio [7.06]===
:'''Crypt Keeper''': Oh, hello! I was just enjoying the latest best &quot;heller&quot;! ''[laughs evilly, but then rips off book cover]'' This is actually Dan Brown's &quot;Inferno.&quot; It's a piece of shit. Our next tale is something of an &quot;alle-gory&quot;! You might say it's a &quot;meta-gore&quot;! Let's just roll it.
:''[Cuts to the outside of Bitch Pudding's house, where the title of the sketch appears. We cut to inside the hpuse, where Bitch Pudding is sleeping]''
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out. Get out of the house. Get out of the hou-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Why don't you get your tongue out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole so I can jam your mama's ''[bleep]'' up there, you ''[bleep]''-gargling pile of monkey spunk? Nothing to say now, huh?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': There's just a lot to unpack there.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Well, wake me up when you figure it out, ''[bleep]'' stick. ''[goes back to sleep]''
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding goes to her fridge when she sees the chairs and flower pot of her table are now completely deformed]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed, she flips them over and destroys them]'' BLAM! Where's your ''[bleep]''-ass art project now, ''[bleep]'' nut?
:'''Ghostly voice''': It wasn't supposed to be art, it was supposed to scare you! God! Forget it! I'm leaving! ''[cuts to Strawberry Shortcake's house, where she is sleeping]'' Strawberry Shortcake!
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': ''[wakes up]'' Huh? What?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out of the house!
:''[A red substance begins to ooze out of the walls, causing Strawberry Shortcake to scream in fear]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[breaks in through the window]'' Hey, ''[bleep]''ing clown, if you're ragging so bad, why don't you take your mama's tampon out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole and lick it clean before you shove it up your ''[bleep]''?!
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Hey, stop talking about my dad's ''[bleep]''hole! I'll-I'll leave town, okay? Oh, FYI, that isn't blood, that is strawberry jam, m'lady. The insulation is leaking. All I did was turn the painting upside down. Live with it.
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': Do you think he was right about the insulation? That could be berry expensive.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hmm, let's see. That depends on whether I give a ''[bleep]'', ''[bleep]'' tits! ''[make a fanfare noise]'' Bitch Pudding! BLAM! ''[jumps out the window]''
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': I should really move.

===Snarfer Image [7.07]===
:''[Ticking, cuts to Elmer Fudd in a field]''
:'''Elmer Fudd:'' ''[narrating]'' Time travel has not been invented yet, ''[cocks his gun]'' but in 30 years, it will be. ''[gunshot]'' In the future, TV networks don't awwow cartoons to have guns, so if they want to kill someone, they send them back here to me. My name is Elmer Fudd, and I'm a Wooper. ''[Title Card: Wooper]'' The only wule is never let your target escape, even if your target is you.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': ''[appears in the field]'' What are you waiting for? Shoot me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': What?!
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': In the future, they don't let me have a gun! That was my one dimension as a character! Know what I did yesterday? I slept for 15 hours and then beat it to a Weader's Digest! Help me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': I can't.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': Come on, give it to me. ''[crying]'' Pleeeease. ''[gunshot]''
:'''Yosemite Sam''': ''[appears in the field]'' I'll have what he's having. ''[gunshot]''
:''[Cuts to Porky Pig on the Looney Tunes circles. The words &quot;That's all, folks!&quot; appear in front]''
:'''Porky Pig''': Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-...That's all, folks! ''[gunshot]''

===Up, Up, and Buffet [7.08]===
:'''Fiona''': The spell has broken! This was my true form all along! I can't wait to marry you, Shrek!
:'''Shrek''': Marry you?
:'''Fiona''': Well, yeah! Since we look the same now, we'll live happily ever after!
:'''Shrek''': Fiona, every morning, I look at myself in the mirror, and I wish my mother had the courage to throw me in the river when I was born. Then I make my way to the putrid swamps, the only place on God's green Earth a monster like me feels at home. Sometimes, children gather to scream at me. &quot;Monster!  Animal!&quot;, they yell. Then someone screams, &quot;Kill yourself!&quot; and it takes a few seconds to realize the voice is coming from my own mouth! By then, I've made my way to the old hanging tree. Before I have time to think about it, I'm wrapping a vine around my own neck. It goes &quot;tot&quot; and I pray to the gods that this time, the vine will hold! But alas, everyday, I wake up in my own filth and I lie there and I cry. I cry because I'll live to see my face again! So nay, marrying a lass with a face as hideous as my own is not on my to-do list!
:'''Fiona''':''[with her mouth full]'' Have you tried these mini cheeseburgers? They're great! ''[sees Shrek hanging from a noose, and to Shrek's disappointment, the noose snaps]''

===Panthropologie [7.09]===
:''[Caption: LEGO City, 2014]''
:'''Wife''': Honey, look out! Cliche!
:'''Gerry''': Huh? ''[all screaming]'' What's happening?!
:'''Cop''': Kre-O! They're everywh- Aah! ''[gets torn apart by the Kre-O's]''
:'''Wife''': There's something wrong with them. They look like us but different!
:'''General''': ''[lands in the helicopter]'' This way! Hurry! Your life has more value than other people! ''[the Lanes get onto the helicopter]'' Gerry, we need your expertise!
:'''Gerry''': My expertise? I'm not a soldier!
:'''General''': Gerry, we need a lawyer.
:''[Title Card: WORLD WAR B (as in blocks)]''
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': Put simply, Gerry, we're being invaded by imitation blocks.
:'''Assistant''': Off-brand products with a taste for LEGO blood!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': They're nearly identical but different. Wrong. Like when you sit on your hand until it goes to sleep. You try to pretend Flo from the Progressive commercials is giving you an HJ, but you know it's not Flo. You know that! She'd never be so clumsy, so artless.
:'''General''': That's impossible! We're trademarked!
:'''Gerry''': No, general. LEGO bricks aren't protected by trademark. They're protected by patent.
:'''General''': Hell, man, what's the difference?
:'''Gerry''': The difference is...patents expire! Cool! Someone turned that legal document into a GIF. That's fun.
:'''General''': Isn't it &quot;jiff&quot;? Anyway, how do we stop it?
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': There's nothing we can do. ''[whispering]'' Don't worry, Flo. I'll protect you.
:'''Assistant''': Don't worry, girl from the Wendy's commercials.
:'''General''': Don't worry, GEICO gecko.
:''[Cut to the map]''
:'''Gerry''': ''[narrating]'' They covered the whole globe in no time: Mega Bloks, Kre-O, Best-Lock, CoCo, BanBao, Rokenbok, Super Blocks, and Leggo with two g's, which was especially insulting.
:''[Caption: Lego Headquarters, Denmark]''
:''[Zombies groaning]''
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' LEGO my baby, LEGO my honey, LEGO my ragtime gal...
:'''Son''': Daddy, are we safe?
:'''Gerry''': Of course we are, son. People are singing, aren't they? Ugh. That is the lowest form of music.
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' ...Honey, you'll lose me, then you'll be left alone...
:''[Zombies groaning loudly]''
:'''Gerry''': The terrible singing! They're attracted to the terrible singing! ''[the zombies start climbing over the walls. Gerry knocks out the quartet. Soldiers start shooting]'' Ohh! - Ow! Fire! Fire! They're too fast!-Ohh!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': ''[runs in with the syringe]'' Gerry, I've found a way to camouflage ourselves!
:'''Gerry''': That beats my solution. ''[acts out shooting zombies, and then acts out shooting himself]'' Pew pew! Pew pew! Pew!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': LEGOs are machined to a tolerance of 10 micrometers! That's why we're so expensive! But this serum will make us look cheaper and sloppier! ''[injects himself]'' Aah! ''[turns into a Playmobil figure]'' We look like them now!
:'''Gerry''': I'd rather die.
:'''Son''': ''[notices something]'' What?! They have Transformers?
:'''Gerry''': No, son! No!
:'''Son''': Aah! ''[Bumblebee rips him in half]''
:'''Gerry''': Nooooooo!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': You probably don't even want to go on living now.
:'''Gerry''': Huh? Oh, that was just a kid from my wife's first marriage. But that looked really painful. Hit me with the juice! ''[gets injected]'' Ugh! ''[the serum transforms him into...]'' No! You turned me into a ''[bleep]''ing DUPLO! It's the same company as LEGO, you fool! Aah! Aah! ''[Mrs. Lane and the Doctor run away whilst DUPLO Gerry gets his head ripped off]'' Guys, is this ending working? Let's re-shoot it.
:''[Zombies murmuring]''

===Catdog on a Stick [7.10]===
:'''Executive''': You sure you wanna do a movie, Tiger?
:'''Tiger''': I want to be beloved again, like before I had sex with all those waitresses from IHOP. Jordan did Space Jam. I want my Space Jam.
:'''Executive''': Well, studios aren't lining up to lend their characters to a Tiger Woods movie. Everyone aggressively passed except DiC, but I cannot recommend that.
:''[Cut to the title card for the Golf Jam movie]''
:'''Singers''': Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to Tiger on the golf course]''
:'''Tiger''': Time for a day of playing golf and being faithful to my girlfriend. ''[falls down a large hole]'' What? Whoooooooa!! ''[lands in DiC Land, surrounded by Heathcliff and other DiC characters]'' Ow!
:'''Heathcliff''': Welcome to DiC Land, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[getting up from his fall and waving hello]'' Why, hi, Garfield.
:'''Heathcliff''': I'm Heathcliff. I'm more romantic and have an accent. This is Cleo.
:'''Cleo''': We need your help, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to put my penis in you... ''[snaps back to attention, and looks at the camera]'' I mean, I love my girlfriend.
:'''Cleo''': We brought you here because the evil Dork Punks challenged us to a game of golf.
:'''Tiger''': ''[once again enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to hump your face... ''[flustered]'' I mean, help your face- ''[snaps out of it again]'' Help you, I will help you!
:''[The Dork Punks walk into the shot, as Tiger turns to look at them]''
:'''Dork Punk''': Let's tee off, DiC-heads!
:''[Tiger and Heathcliff look at each other and nod, and we cut to a golf-playing montage. Tiger (now wearing a cap with the DiC logo on it) hits a beautful shot as Heathcliff, Cleo, and a couple of other toons watch. LongArm uses his gauntlet to sink a putt, as Tiger chats up Princess Lana and receives a slap to the face from her. As Cleo prepares to sink her putt, Tiger walks up from behind and starts pretending to hump her. Ja-Kal prepares to take a shot as Armon looks on, but a piece of Armon's gauze is caught on Ja-Kal's club. As Ja-Kal swings, he and Armon both get tied up in Armon's gauze. Tiger is seen in one of the bunkers with Nefer-Tina sitting on top of him, as she unwraps the gauze from her upper body much to Tiger's delight. The montage ends as Tiger is getting ready to sink his final putt, with Cleo and Hammerman watching on]''
:'''Hammerman''': If you sink this putt, we win!
:'''Tiger''': Wish me luck, Bobby Brown.
:'''Hammerman''': Bobby Brown? I'm Hammerman! I'm M.C. Hammer, except not, and I have magic shoes. ''[shows off his magic dancing shoes]''
:'''Tiger''': ''[looks at Cleo]'' You know, I don't even know if I want to save you DiC's. You're just uninspired rehashes of good ideas. Seriously, how cheap is DiC? This is a movie, and you all look like you were drawn on a napkin.
:'''Cleo''': Win the game and I'll blow you.
:''[Upon hearing this, Tiger immediately sinks the putt and wins the game. As the DiC toons celebrate, Tiger unzips his pants and takes a terrified Cleo by the hand into the Pancake House for his well-earned blowjob]''
:'''Hammerman''': ''[rapping]'' Everybody tee off, get a club in your hands, charisma-free sex addict saving DiC Land! Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to black with the bold white text &quot;Golf Jam was rented once from Redbox. The copy was returned on time.&quot;]''

===Super Guitaro Center [7.11]===
:'''Shredder''': The &quot;Channel 6 News Masquerade Ball&quot; is the opportunity for me to kidnap April O'Neil. She's the perfect bait to catch the turtles. ''[surprised to see April's costume]'' Wow! Out of that bulky lesbian jumpsuit, she's hot as ''[bleep]''!
:'''April''': Care to dance, Mr. Potter?
:'''Shredder''': WHAT?! ''[cuts to Shredder dancing with April]'' And, what's your costume?
:'''April''': Belle from &quot;Beauty and The Beast&quot;, but a dick-slut.
:'''Shredder''': Is your favorite restaurant, Taco &quot;Belle&quot;?
:''[Both laugh]''
:'''April''': You are hilarious.
:'''Shredder''': On the count of 3, say your favorite band. 1, 2, 3!
:'''Shredder and April''': Toad the Wet Sprocket! ''[pause, they both kiss]''
:'''April''': ''[feels the blade, and gasped]'' Wait. Are you-
:'''Shredder''': In love? Yes. WHAT?! Bye! ''[leaves]''
:'''April''': ''[realizing]'' Shredder?
:''[Cut to Shredder with April outside her apartment after the party]''
:'''Shredder''': Think of something poetic, Oroku. ''[to April]'' But soft, you are total boner food!
:'''April''': Oh, Shredder. My heart doesn't take sides.
:'''Shredder''': People won't approve.
:'''April''': No one can keep us apart.
:''[They both kiss again. Then cuts to the sewer]''
:'''Raphael''': Aww, Hell to the No! ''[punches a brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''April''': We're soul mates! We both love Toad the Wet Sprocket.
:'''Michelangelo''': Toad the-What?! Is that a sex thing?! Have you guys had sex?!
:'''April''': No. Just dry humping, and ball play.
:'''Raphael''': Ball play?! ''[punches the same brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''Splinter''': You must stay away from Shredder, April. He is dangerous. Sleep here tonight. Donatello, grab the guest pillows.
:''[Donatello grabs pizza boxes which are the guest pillows, and puts them on the couch. Later while everyone's asleep, Shredder comes up from behind the couch to see April]''
:'''April''': ''[gasps]'' What are you doing here?
:'''Shredder''': I came to say &quot;Hi&quot;, ''[lays down next to her]'' and also have sex after the whole &quot;Hi&quot; thing.
:'''April''': It's like Six Flags Hurricane Harbor in my panties right now. ''[they both kiss again. Later, we see her and Shredder outside the manhole]'' Mmm, Mmm. You really Toadied my Wet Sprocket. When will I see you again?
:'''Shredder''': Soon, I hope. I should go before the turtles wake up. Plus, I have some major ExtenZe farts coming on. ''[farts]''
:''[Next morning while April was having her breakfast]''
:'''Donatello''': April, just go on one date with Casey. He's a good guy.
:'''April''': Casey is a jobless loser in sweats! ''[walks away]''
:'''Casey''': Good start to my morning.
:'''[Cut to April with the Rat King]''
:'''April''': So, I left. What should I do, Mr. Rat King? I belong with Shredder.
:'''Rat King''': I have an idea! And my idea involves you taking a lot of poison very quickly.
:'''April''': ''[pause, interested]'' Go on?
:''[Cut to April playing dead]''
:'''Shredder''': ''[shocked]'' It can't be! April?! NO!!!! WHY?!?! ''[accidentally hits April with his spikes]''
:'''April''': ''[wakes up in pain]'' Ow! Ow! Ow! What the ''[bleep]''?! Shredder!
:'''Shredder''': April! You're alive!
:'''April''': The poison only made me appear dead. Didn't you read &quot;Romeo and Juliet&quot;, you ''[bleep]''ing ass clown? ''[gags and dies]''
:'''Shredder''': NOOOOOOO!!!!!! ''[a few seconds of silence]'' Just gonna take my Toad the Wet Sprocket bootleg back. ''[takes his CD back, and leaves]''

===Noidstrom Rack [7.12]===
:'''Picard''': ''[dozing in the captain's chair on the bridge of the Enterprise]'' What's that Beverly? You want Wesley to watch? Hmm, make it so! ''[jerks awake]'' Oh, 2300 hours, time for the night crew to relieve us! ''[moves to leave the bridge, as Captain Jake enters]'' Captain.
:'''Captain Jake''': Capitan! ''[the Enterprise bridge crew file out, as their night crew replacements enter]'' Night crew, maintain course. ''[cut to the Enterprise moving through space]'' Space, the final frontier! These are the 11pm to 7am voyages of the Enterprise's night crew. Its continuing mission...is to PAR-TAY! ''[starts drinking from a beer can as the night crew cheer]''
:'''Night Crew''': Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! [A Borg cube appears on the view screen]
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Captain Jake, a Borg cube is hailing us.
:'''Captain Jake''': They probably want us to turn down our jams...Fat chance!
:'''Borg Drone''': Lower your shields, your culture will adapt to service us.
:'''Captain Jake''': You want us to service you?
:'''Borg Drone''': Affirmative. You will service the Borg, all night if needed! ''[Commander LaFreak sniggers. The Borg Drone looks unamused]'' Wait! Our hive mind has assimilated double entendres- real mature, guys! Prepare for assimilation! ''[the Borg cube begins to shoot at the Enterprise with its lasers]''
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Our shields won't last long, sir! Should we wake up the bald guy?
:'''Captain Jake''': ''[opens another can of beer]'' No way, Commander LaFreak! We'll beat the Borg like we beat that frat on Gallos 7!
:'''Commander LaFreak''': We'll sell naked photos of their girlfriends at a pie-eating contest?
:'''Captain Jake''': What?! No! Like any frat, the Borg share a hive mind, man. If we get one Borg to party, all Borg will party! Night crew, prepare to rock out with our Spocks out! ''[the night crew beam across to the Borg cube]'' Anybody order a partygram? ''[the night crew start playing music and drinking with the Borg drones in the cube. He pulls out a bottle of champagne to a female Borg drone]'' Wet t-shirt contest! ''[opens the champagne bottle on the female drone, who doesn't react even when he douses her chest]'' Oh right, no shirt...you want mine? ''[removes his Captain's jumper, just as the Borg drone he talked to advances on him]'' Whoa, chill out, dude! Wait, is she your daughter?
:'''Borg Drone''': Enough! Partying is futile! ''[jabs Captain Jake with its injection tubes, only to recoil. Captain Jake grins]'' Your blood, so full of beer! Your party, so hearty! ''[grabs a cup of beer from a Klingon night crew member and chugs it]'' Woo-hoooo! ''[the rest of the Borg join the drone and the night crew in partying]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Now this, I can assimilate! ''[he and the drone hug]''
:''[Cut to the Borg cube drawing a giant cock on a planet with its lasers. Cut to an awards ceremony on the bridge of the Enterprise]''
:'''Starfleet Admiral''': Captain Jake, Starfleet thanks you for defeating the Borg. ''[hangs a medal around Captain Jake's neck]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Bitchin'!
:'''Picard''': ''[fuming]'' NIGHT CREEEEEEWWWWW! ''[everyone looks round nervously, until he grins]'' Beer me! ''[the night crew cheer and Jake tosses Picard a can]'' You glorious sons of bitches!

===Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13]===
:''[The Disney Princess Castle is shown]''
:'''Snow White''': ''[from inside]'' Welcome to the Princess Summit, ''[cut to inside]'' where we address the complex political issues facing our kingdoms.
:'''Rapunzel''': Hairstyles.
:'''Cinderella''': Talking pets.
:'''Tiana''': Hairstyles for our talking pets.
:'''Ariel''': Crabs. ''[everyone looks at her in disgust]'' I've got crabs.
:'''Snow White''': Well, isn't that just, um...and where is our newest princess?
:'''Merida''': ''[enters, carrying a dead boar dripping with blood]'' Ach! Sorry I'm late. I killed a boar on the way here.
:'''Aurora''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, you're so feminist and empowered. Great.
:'''Merida''': ''[laying boar on the table and gutting it]''' 'Ey, wee beastie! Have we got to grievances yet? A bunch of wee dwarves are illegally mining me territory.
:'''Snow White''': Oh, Merida, you have far bigger problems. Let me tell you about them.
:'''Merida''': Not a damn song.
:'''Snow White''': ''[singing]'' Here's a list of things to drop;
:Your accent, bow, that tangled mop.
:Fifteen pounds from off your hips
:Those ginger afros 'neath your pits
:And no prince will want to mingle
:With a girl with no hit single.
:''[Cinderella, Aurora, and Ariel hold up gold records]''
:'''Cinderella''': ''[spoken]'' And your pet's hair is a disaster.
:'''Merida''': That's me mother! She's a bear! The trailer was very misleading! ''[holds the knife to Snow White's neck''] I came here looking for justice; instead, I found treachery. Prepare yourself for war. ''[Leaves]''
:'''Mulan''': ''[following Merida]'' Someone finally said it! See you on the killing field, round-eyes. ''[leaves]''
:'''Belle''': Amen, sister. ''[leaves]''
:'''Tiana''': Stuck-up bitches!
:''[Rapunzel follows. The remaining princesses look on. We transition to the next scene where Snow White is preparing her army for war against Merida's army]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, that Merida! I'll show her. ''[out the window]'' Send in my war counsel. ''[a cute Disney-esque bird flies up to the windowsill]'' What shall I do, little one?
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Core that bitch like an apple.
:'''Snow White''': Oh my.
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Weave a tapestry of their intestines.
:'''Snow White''': Okay, okay, I get it, I get it. We need weapons.
:'''Cinderella''': I've got a guy.
:''[The Fairy Godmother appears]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, good idea. We'll fight them with magic.
:'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[laying bag of assault weapons on table]'' Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo, that's twenty grand.
:'''Princesses''': Ooh, wow!
:'''Ariel''': Do you need thingamabobs? I've got thingamabobs.
:'''Jasmine''': Nobody cares about the dildo collection you dredged up from the Atlantic, you fishy bitch. ''[Ariel runs away crying]'' Anyone else have cold tits?
:''[We cut to Merida's training grounds]''
:'''Merida''': All right, ladies. Show me what you've got.
:'''Rapunzel''': ''[whips the practice dummy with her hair, dismembering it, then strangling it]'' I finally found the perfect conditioner— ''[pops the dummy's head off]'' blood!
:'''Louis''': ''[shooting arrows and missed the target]'' Oh, curse these stubby arms.
:'''Merida''': You're an alligator. Be an alligator!
:''[Louis turns to Mushu, who is standing beside him]''
:'''Mushu''': Oh, wait! Don't...!
:'''Louis''': ''[eats Mushu]'' Oh! I'm so sorry!
:'''Mulan''': No, no, it was...it was a good kill.
:''[Cut to Snow White's army, ready for their coming battle]''
:'''Snow White''': Not all of us will live to wish upon a star tonight, but we give our lives for a greater good.
:'''Aurora''': ''[yawning]'' Oh dear, I think I'm getting sleepy. I might have to sit this one out, guys.
:'''Snow White''': Don't you pull that shit now!
:'''Aurora''': Just teasing.
:''[An arrow fired by an off-screen Merida strikes Aurora in the throat, killing her instantly]''
:'''Merida''': ''[with her army at the top of a hill]'' Bring me the scalp and/or weave of Snow White! Charge!
:''[The armies charge at each other]''
:'''Jasmine''': I will show you a world of death!
:''[They meet in the middle, where Ariel, now a mermaid, has brought an atomic bomb]''
:'''Ariel''': Look, everyone! I brought my thingamabob! My weapons-grade thingamabob!
:'''Cinderella''': Oh, you just don't know what words are. That's your thing.
:''[The bomb starts beeping, indicating its imminent detonation]''
:'''Princesses''': ''[realizing]'' Ahh! Run away! Run away! ''[running away from the bomb]''
:'''Sebastian''': ''[pops up from behind the bomb, singing] Bend over and grab your ankles!
:''[The bomb explodes, completely obscuring the scene with smoke and ash, until it dissipates, revealing that the explosion has eradicated almost everything, leaving nothing but a barren wasteland]''
:'''Merida''': ''[wounded, trudges by]'' Me mother's a bear.
:''[Tinkerbell arrives, then shoots her in the head with a gun, winks, and leaves]''

===Walking Dead Lobster [7.14]===
===Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15]===
===Bitch Pudding Special [7.16]===
===Batman Forever 21 [7.17]===
===The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's [7.18]===
===Chipotle Miserables [7.19]===
===The Robot Chicken Lots of Holidays But Don't Worry Christmas is Still In There Too so Pull the Stick Out of Your Ass Fox News Special [7.20]===</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147838</id>
      <parentid>3147836</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T22:13:36Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="35610" xml:space="preserve">===G.I. Jogurt [7.01]===
:''[At the Emmy Awards, a G.I. Joe PSA of Roadblock talking to two children is shown on the big screen]''
:'''Roadblock''': I don't know why a 7-year-old would need to deep fry a turkey, but know you know how.
:'''Children''': And knowing is half the battle.
:''[The PSA ends with the &quot;G.I. Joe&quot; jingle]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Be a Turkey on Thanksgiving&quot;.
:''[The G.I. Joes clap, and Duke kisses Scarlett before he heads up with Roadblock to collect their award, while COBRA Commander and Destro watch on from the cheap seats]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': Look at them, Destro. The Joes churn out pedestrian advice to dead-eyed children, and the public eats it up! ''[mocking the Joes]'' &quot;Hey, kids, don't play with fallen electrical lines.&quot; ''[normal voice]'' Reads like a dispatch from the no-shit clinic.
:'''Destro''': I'll get the nerve gas.
:'''COBRA Commander''': No, you fool. We'll beat them at their own game. ''[clenching his fist]'' We'll create our own PSAs!
:''[Cut to COBRA Commander, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, and the Crimson Twins in the briefing room at COBRA Headquarters]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': OK, OK, let's just throw some ideas out there. This is a safe creative place. Dr. Mindbender, go.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Well, I thought our PSA could communicate an idea non-verbally. I've discovered that painting directly on celluloid creates a sort of &quot;tone poem&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Holy ''[bleep]'', that's sounds terrible. I'm sorry, safe place, but holy shit, that was fucking dumb. Next!
:'''Baroness''': ''[enters the room]'' Oh, I forgot you guys were in here writing. I was just looking for a hammer to hang my degree in screenwriting from Aberdeen. Anything I can do for you while I'm in here? ''[looks at him]'' Destro?
:'''Destro''': She's actually really funny, you guys.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Hey, you lost me at &quot;She's&quot;. ''[Bleep'' it! We're doing it without a script.
:''[Cut to the set of COBRA's PSAs, as Destro supervises, Storm Shadow is having his makeup done by one COBRA soldier, and two more soldiers move a camera. Dr. Mindbender enters the set with a group of children]''
:'''Destro''': Dr. Mindbender, you found four young children for our PSAs.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Uh, yes. ''[puts his arms around the children]'' That is what these kidnapped children are for.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[talking to Storm Shadow, who is reading his lines]'' OK, Storm Shadow, these two children will be running with scissors. Now, this upsets you, and you...
:'''Storm Shadow''': Why?
:'''COBRA Commander''': It's dangerous to run with scissors.
:'''Storm Shadow''': I run with Katana. Is that not dangerous?
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow, I hadn't thought of that. Excellent point, Storm Shadow. ''[whispers to Tomax]'' Get this piece of ''[bleep]'' off my set!
:''[One of the children runs past, giggling while running with scissors, but ends up getting killed by Storm Shadow]''
:'''Storm Shadow''': Well, COBRA Commander, it looks like I owe you an apology.
:''[First COBRA PSA: Serpentor telling children about using supplies only at the post office]''
:'''Serpentor''': So, remember, only take supplies if you'll use them for post office business. Any other use is a felony.
:'''Boy''': Now I'm aware.
:'''Serpentor''': ''[putting his arms around the children and smiling]'' And awareness is the second 50% of the conflict in question. ''[beat]'' Somebody say ''[bleep]''ing &quot;Cut&quot;!
:''[Second COBRA PSA: COBRA Commander tells children about the joys of reading]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': And I think you'll find it's not hard to read when you take the time to sssssssssound it out. ''[both children giggle]'' Oh, yesss, I've got a sssmall ssspeech impediment. ''[both children laugh; irritated]'' It'sss not funny! ''[removes his mask, as the children scream and run away, only for the Commander to shoot them dead]'' Shut. It. Down.
:''[At the next Emmy Awards...]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Star in a COBRA PSA&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[shaking his fist]'' What?!
:'''Destro''': ''[shouting over to the troops]'' Pump the nerve gas!

===Link's Sausages [7.02]===
:''[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are standing in the street]''
:'''Tommy Pickles''': ''[holding his Reptar doll]'' Well, after crossing the freeway, base jumping off a cliff, and dodging bullets in a gang war, we finally found my Reptar doll.
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enters the street, finding the babies]'' Tommy! What are you doing in the street?!
:''[Cut to the Pickles' house]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, thank God! They've been lost for hours! Where were they?
:'''Didi Pickles''': Stu, a word?  ''[they walk into the kitchen, their voices get muffled as they talk with the door shut]'' What the ''[bleep]'', Stu?!
:'''Stu Pickles''': Well, I'm sorry. The babies escaped, and I-
:'''Didi Pickles''': Escaped?! They're babies, you sackless moron!
:'''Stu Pickles''': I was downstairs, working on a new toy, and they just-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, a new toy! Never mind, then!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[tearing up]'' Didi, if you keep ridiculing my work, I-I swear to God-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enraged]'' What?! You'll hit me?! Ooh, you're such a man!
:''[Thudding and crashing are heard as Didi violently beats Stu offscreen]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': Didi, stop!
:'''Didi Pickles''': I'll be the man! See, Stu?! I'm the man!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[sobbing]'' I want a divorce!
:''[The babies look devastated as the screen cut to static]''

===Secret of the Booze [7.03]===
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf shaving his beard in his house]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': I don't usually get involved in day-to-day operations, so I'm smurfing undercover. They'll never smurf it's me. ''[chuckles; takes off his pants]'' Ohh, I haven't smurfed these things off in nearly 300 years! Talk about crotch rot!
:''[Title Card: Undercover Smurf Boss]''
:'''Farmer Smurf''': So, you're my new intern, huh?
:'''Papa Smurf''': That's right, Farmer Smurf. Teach me to care about your sad, little life...I mean your noble and fulfilling, uh, career choice.
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Well, Smurfs are a thirsty bunch, so we got to smurf them fresh milk every day!
:''[A giant caterpillar slithers in and turns onto its side, revealing its udders]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[being filmed]'' We've been drinking CATERPILLAR MILK?! ''[milks the giant caterpillar, his hands getting sore]'' Oh, this is agony. It feels like my hands are gonna smurf off!
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Yep, my carpal tunnel got so bad, they had to fuse my wrist bones in place!
:'''Papa Smurf''': But our healthcare is smurfy, right?
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Eh, my deductible is 2,000 smurfberries.
:'''Papa Smurf''': WHAT?! ''[cash register dings]''
:''[Title Card: 1 Smurfberry = 1.78 USD]''
:''[Scene cuts to the Smurf Hospital. Doctor Smurf packs his medical bag]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': Doctor Smurf, why are deductibles so high?
:'''Doctor Smurf''': Boy, you smurf a lot of uppity questions for an intern. Uh, just treat the next patient while I go for a Jamba Juice run in my gold-plated helicopter.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Actually, I'm not really qualified.
:''[Outside the window, Doctor Smurf takes off in his gold-plated helicopter. Door opens, Smurfette and Handy Smurf enter the room]''
:'''Smurfette''': We need Doctor Smurf! Handy had an accident!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Did someone get a sliver? ''[Handy shows his bleeding hand, missing all of his fingers]'' OH MY SMURFING GOD!!!
:'''Handy Smurf''': I sawed right through a load-bearing mushroom! Half our building materials are fungus! Oh, trade school didn't prepare me for this!
:'''Smurfette''': You can smurf his fingers, right, nurse?
:'''Papa Smurf''': I'll certainly try. ''[being filmed]'' I certainly tried.
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf sewing Handy's fingers while Handy lies dead on the table]''
:'''Smurfette''': ''[crying]'' You can probably stop sewing.
:'''Papa Smurf''': No, no, no. I-I'm gonna get this. ''[walks up to Grouchy Smurf]'' So, Grouchy Smurf, how's the coffee today?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate coffee!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh! Okay. But how do you like working here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate working here.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh, goodness. Okay. Well, is there anything that maybe Papa Smurf could do?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate Papa Smurf!
:'''Papa Smurf''': All right, what exactly do you do around here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I-I hate stuff?
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[puts on his red hat]'' I'm being deadly serious.
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I...I... ''[cuts to him, shoveling dog poop outside]'' I hate shoveling dog ''[bleep]''.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Well, now that's actually an appropriate reaction. Carry on, dog-''[bleep]'' Smurf! ''[leaves]''
:''[More dog poop falls from above, next to Grouchy]''

===Rebel Appliance [7.04]===
:'''Lion-O''': My fellow Thundercats! When danger is near, I shall hold the Sword of Omens aloft and yell out a battle cry
:'''Cheetara''': What shall our battle cry be, Lion-O?
:'''Lion-O''': &quot;Thunder, thunder, thunder, thundercats, I need you because evil is near, and we are friends, and we are a team. So we must come together and fight because the Eye of Thundera is in the sky, and it is summoning everyone together. So please come here Panthro and Tygra and Panthro and also Cheetara and also Wilykit and Wilicat and also Snarf. I think I said Panthro twice. I won't do that every time. Yes, we are the Thundercats. This is our battle cry. I love you guys. You are my best friends, and I am Lion-O and I am a Thundercat, and you guys are Thundercats too. Mumm Ra is not a Thundercat, he's bad and we're gonna win against him, because we are the Thundercats, and the Thundercats are here for you today because we are the Thundercats yeah, I'm Lion-O&quot;. I hope you write that down.
:'''Snarf''': I liked it. ''[Wilykat slaps him]'' OW!

===Legion of Super-Gyros [7.05]===
:''[With Grover and Oscar the Grouch]''
:'''Grover''': Oh boy, it sure is a great day here on Sesame Street!
:'''Oscar''': Yeah, especially since we're the last neighborhood in New York that hasn't been gentrified.
:'''Grover''': Until today, because our special guest is Hannah Horvath from the marginally popular but ignored in the flyover states HBO series, Girls!
:'''Hannah''': Hey, do you know where I could find a cocaine dealer/organic Vietnamese taco truck around here?
:'''Oscar''': ''[Bleep]'' me! ''[gets back inside his trash can]''
:'''Hannah''': ''[feels Grover]'' Ooh, you're so cute! ''[later that night]'' I really love how you don't play games, Grover.
:'''Grover''': Oh but I play lots of games, patty cake, and marco polo...Ugh!
:'''Hannah''': ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jacking off]'' Insult my parents! Oh yeah!
:'''Grover''': Woah! ''[scene cuts to him and Hannah learning about numbers with apples]'' Today, we are going to learn about the number 3, I have 3 apples!
:'''Hannah''': And I know 3 girls who were date raped at the same bar on 6th street.
:'''Grover''': That is sad. ''[Hannah eats the apple]'' Uh...you're eating my props.
:'''Hannah''': I'm proud of my body.
:'''Grover''': I know, I know.
:'''Hannah''': Ugh! Yeah! ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jerking off again]''
:'''Grover''': Oh, God!

===El Skeletorio [7.06]===
:'''Crypt Keeper''': Oh, hello! I was just enjoying the latest best &quot;heller&quot;! ''[laughs evilly, but then rips off book cover]'' This is actually Dan Brown's &quot;Inferno.&quot; It's a piece of shit. Our next tale is something of an &quot;alle-gory&quot;! You might say it's a &quot;meta-gore&quot;! Let's just roll it.
:''[Cuts to the outside of Bitch Pudding's house, where the title of the sketch appears. We cut to inside the hpuse, where Bitch Pudding is sleeping]''
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out. Get out of the house. Get out of the hou-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Why don't you get your tongue out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole so I can jam your mama's ''[bleep]'' up there, you ''[bleep]''-gargling pile of monkey spunk? Nothing to say now, huh?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': There's just a lot to unpack there.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Well, wake me up when you figure it out, ''[bleep]'' stick. ''[goes back to sleep]''
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding goes to her fridge when she sees the chairs and flower pot of her table are now completely deformed]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed, she flips them over and destroys them]'' BLAM! Where's your ''[bleep]''-ass art project now, ''[bleep]'' nut?
:'''Ghostly voice''': It wasn't supposed to be art, it was supposed to scare you! God! Forget it! I'm leaving! ''[cuts to Strawberry Shortcake's house, where she is sleeping]'' Strawberry Shortcake!
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': ''[wakes up]'' Huh? What?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out of the house!
:''[A red substance begins to ooze out of the walls, causing Strawberry Shortcake to scream in fear]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[breaks in through the window]'' Hey, ''[bleep]''ing clown, if you're ragging so bad, why don't you take your mama's tampon out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole and lick it clean before you shove it up your ''[bleep]''?!
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Hey, stop talking about my dad's ''[bleep]''hole! I'll-I'll leave town, okay? Oh, FYI, that isn't blood, that is strawberry jam, m'lady. The insulation is leaking. All I did was turn the painting upside down. Live with it.
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': Do you think he was right about the insulation? That could be berry expensive.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hmm, let's see. That depends on whether I give a ''[bleep]'', ''[bleep]'' tits! ''[make a fanfare noise]'' Bitch Pudding! BLAM! ''[jumps out the window]''
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': I should really move.

===Snarfer Image [7.07]===
:''[Ticking, cuts to Elmer Fudd in a field]''
:'''Elmer Fudd:'' ''[narrating]'' Time travel has not been invented yet, ''[cocks his gun]'' but in 30 years, it will be. ''[gunshot]'' In the future, TV networks don't awwow cartoons to have guns, so if they want to kill someone, they send them back here to me. My name is Elmer Fudd, and I'm a Wooper. ''[Title Card: Wooper]'' The only wule is never let your target escape, even if your target is you.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': ''[appears in the field]'' What are you waiting for? Shoot me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': What?!
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': In the future, they don't let me have a gun! That was my one dimension as a character! Know what I did yesterday? I slept for 15 hours and then beat it to a Weader's Digest! Help me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': I can't.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': Come on, give it to me. ''[crying]'' Pleeeease. ''[gunshot]''
:'''Yosemite Sam''': ''[appears in the field]'' I'll have what he's having. ''[gunshot]''
:''[Cuts to Porky Pig on the Looney Tunes circles. The words &quot;That's all, folks!&quot; appear in front]''
:'''Porky Pig''': Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-...That's all, folks! ''[gunshot]''

===Up, Up, and Buffet [7.08]===
:'''Fiona''': The spell has broken! This was my true form all along! I can't wait to marry you, Shrek!
:'''Shrek''': Marry you?
:'''Fiona''': Well, yeah! Since we look the same now, we'll live happily ever after!
:'''Shrek''': Fiona, every morning, I look at myself in the mirror, and I wish my mother had the courage to throw me in the river when I was born. Then I make my way to the putrid swamps, the only place on God's green Earth a monster like me feels at home. Sometimes, children gather to scream at me. &quot;Monster!  Animal!&quot;, they yell. Then someone screams, &quot;Kill yourself!&quot; and it takes a few seconds to realize the voice is coming from my own mouth! By then, I've made my way to the old hanging tree. Before I have time to think about it, I'm wrapping a vine around my own neck. It goes &quot;tot&quot; and I pray to the gods that this time, the vine will hold! But alas, everyday, I wake up in my own filth and I lie there and I cry. I cry because I'll live to see my face again! So nay, marrying a lass with a face as hideous as my own is not on my to-do list!
:'''Fiona''':''[with her mouth full]'' Have you tried these mini cheeseburgers? They're great! ''[sees Shrek hanging from a noose, and to Shrek's disappointment, the noose snaps]''

===Panthropologie [7.09]===
:''[Caption: LEGO City, 2014]''
:'''Wife''': Honey, look out! Cliche!
:'''Gerry''': Huh? ''[all screaming]'' What's happening?!
:'''Cop''': Kre-O! They're everywh- Aah! ''[gets torn apart by the Kre-O's]''
:'''Wife''': There's something wrong with them. They look like us but different!
:'''General''': ''[lands in the helicopter]'' This way! Hurry! Your life has more value than other people! ''[the Lanes get onto the helicopter]'' Gerry, we need your expertise!
:'''Gerry''': My expertise? I'm not a soldier!
:'''General''': Gerry, we need a lawyer.
:''[Title Card: WORLD WAR B (as in blocks)]''
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': Put simply, Gerry, we're being invaded by imitation blocks.
:'''Assistant''': Off-brand products with a taste for LEGO blood!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': They're nearly identical but different. Wrong. Like when you sit on your hand until it goes to sleep. You try to pretend Flo from the Progressive commercials is giving you an HJ, but you know it's not Flo. You know that! She'd never be so clumsy, so artless.
:'''General''': That's impossible! We're trademarked!
:'''Gerry''': No, general. LEGO bricks aren't protected by trademark. They're protected by patent.
:'''General''': Hell, man, what's the difference?
:'''Gerry''': The difference is...patents expire! Cool! Someone turned that legal document into a GIF. That's fun.
:'''General''': Isn't it &quot;jiff&quot;? Anyway, how do we stop it?
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': There's nothing we can do. ''[whispering]'' Don't worry, Flo. I'll protect you.
:'''Assistant''': Don't worry, girl from the Wendy's commercials.
:'''General''': Don't worry, GEICO gecko.
:''[Cut to the map]''
:'''Gerry''': ''[narrating]'' They covered the whole globe in no time: Mega Bloks, Kre-O, Best-Lock, CoCo, BanBao, Rokenbok, Super Blocks, and Leggo with two g's, which was especially insulting.
:''[Caption: Lego Headquarters, Denmark]''
:''[Zombies groaning]''
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' LEGO my baby, LEGO my honey, LEGO my ragtime gal...
:'''Son''': Daddy, are we safe?
:'''Gerry''': Of course we are, son. People are singing, aren't they? Ugh. That is the lowest form of music.
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' ...Honey, you'll lose me, then you'll be left alone...
:''[Zombies groaning loudly]''
:'''Gerry''': The terrible singing! They're attracted to the terrible singing! ''[the zombies start climbing over the walls. Gerry knocks out the quartet. Soldiers start shooting]'' Ohh! - Ow! Fire! Fire! They're too fast!-Ohh!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': ''[runs in with the syringe]'' Gerry, I've found a way to camouflage ourselves!
:'''Gerry''': That beats my solution. ''[acts out shooting zombies, and then acts out shooting himself]'' Pew pew! Pew pew! Pew!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': LEGOs are machined to a tolerance of 10 micrometers! That's why we're so expensive! But this serum will make us look cheaper and sloppier! ''[injects himself]'' Aah! ''[turns into a Playmobil figure]'' We look like them now!
:'''Gerry''': I'd rather die.
:'''Son''': ''[notices something]'' What?! They have Transformers?
:'''Gerry''': No, son! No!
:'''Son''': Aah! ''[Bumblebee rips him in half]''
:'''Gerry''': Nooooooo!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': You probably don't even want to go on living now.
:'''Gerry''': Huh? Oh, that was just a kid from my wife's first marriage. But that looked really painful. Hit me with the juice! ''[gets injected]'' Ugh! ''[the serum transforms him into...]'' No! You turned me into a ''[bleep]''ing DUPLO! It's the same company as LEGO, you fool! Aah! Aah! ''[Mrs. Lane and the Doctor run away whilst DUPLO Gerry gets his head ripped off]'' Guys, is this ending working? Let's re-shoot it.
:''[Zombies murmuring]''

===Catdog on a Stick [7.10]===
:'''Executive''': You sure you wanna do a movie, Tiger?
:'''Tiger''': I want to be beloved again, like before I had sex with all those waitresses from IHOP. Jordan did Space Jam. I want my Space Jam.
:'''Executive''': Well, studios aren't lining up to lend their characters to a Tiger Woods movie. Everyone aggressively passed except DiC, but I cannot recommend that.
:''[Cut to the title card for the Golf Jam movie]''
:'''Singers''': Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to Tiger on the golf course]''
:'''Tiger''': Time for a day of playing golf and being faithful to my girlfriend. ''[falls down a large hole]'' What? Whoooooooa!! ''[lands in DiC Land, surrounded by Heathcliff and other DiC characters]'' Ow!
:'''Heathcliff''': Welcome to DiC Land, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[getting up from his fall and waving hello]'' Why, hi, Garfield.
:'''Heathcliff''': I'm Heathcliff. I'm more romantic and have an accent. This is Cleo.
:'''Cleo''': We need your help, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to put my penis in you... ''[snaps back to attention, and looks at the camera]'' I mean, I love my girlfriend.
:'''Cleo''': We brought you here because the evil Dork Punks challenged us to a game of golf.
:'''Tiger''': ''[once again enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to hump your face... ''[flustered]'' I mean, help your face- ''[snaps out of it again]'' Help you, I will help you!
:''[The Dork Punks walk into the shot, as Tiger turns to look at them]''
:'''Dork Punk''': Let's tee off, DiC-heads!
:''[Tiger and Heathcliff look at each other and nod, and we cut to a golf-playing montage. Tiger (now wearing a cap with the DiC logo on it) hits a beautful shot as Heathcliff, Cleo, and a couple of other toons watch. LongArm uses his gauntlet to sink a putt, as Tiger chats up Princess Lana and receives a slap to the face from her. As Cleo prepares to sink her putt, Tiger walks up from behind and starts pretending to hump her. Ja-Kal prepares to take a shot as Armon looks on, but a piece of Armon's gauze is caught on Ja-Kal's club. As Ja-Kal swings, he and Armon both get tied up in Armon's gauze. Tiger is seen in one of the bunkers with Nefer-Tina sitting on top of him, as she unwraps the gauze from her upper body much to Tiger's delight. The montage ends as Tiger is getting ready to sink his final putt, with Cleo and Hammerman watching on]''
:'''Hammerman''': If you sink this putt, we win!
:'''Tiger''': Wish me luck, Bobby Brown.
:'''Hammerman''': Bobby Brown? I'm Hammerman! I'm M.C. Hammer, except not, and I have magic shoes. ''[shows off his magic dancing shoes]''
:'''Tiger''': ''[looks at Cleo]'' You know, I don't even know if I want to save you DiC's. You're just uninspired rehashes of good ideas. Seriously, how cheap is DiC? This is a movie, and you all look like you were drawn on a napkin.
:'''Cleo''': Win the game and I'll blow you.
:''[Upon hearing this, Tiger immediately sinks the putt and wins the game. As the DiC toons celebrate, Tiger unzips his pants and takes a terrified Cleo by the hand into the Pancake House for his well-earned blowjob]''
:'''Hammerman''': ''[rapping]'' Everybody tee off, get a club in your hands, charisma-free sex addict saving DiC Land! Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to black with the bold white text &quot;Golf Jam was rented once from Redbox. The copy was returned on time.&quot;]''

===Super Guitaro Center [7.11]===
:'''Shredder''': The &quot;Channel 6 News Masquerade Ball&quot; is the opportunity for me to kidnap April O'Neil. She's the perfect bait to catch the turtles. ''[surprised to see April's costume]'' Wow! Out of that bulky lesbian jumpsuit, she's hot as ''[bleep]''!
:'''April''': Care to dance, Mr. Potter?
:'''Shredder''': WHAT?! ''[cuts to Shredder dancing with April]'' And, what's your costume?
:'''April''': Belle from &quot;Beauty and The Beast&quot;, but a dick-slut.
:'''Shredder''': Is your favorite restaurant, Taco &quot;Belle&quot;?
:''[Both laugh]''
:'''April''': You are hilarious.
:'''Shredder''': On the count of 3, say your favorite band. 1, 2, 3!
:'''Shredder and April''': Toad the Wet Sprocket! ''[pause, they both kiss]''
:'''April''': ''[feels the blade, and gasped]'' Wait. Are you-
:'''Shredder''': In love? Yes. WHAT?! Bye! ''[leaves]''
:'''April''': ''[realizing]'' Shredder?
:''[Cut to Shredder with April outside her apartment after the party]''
:'''Shredder''': Think of something poetic, Oroku. ''[to April]'' But soft, you are total boner food!
:'''April''': Oh, Shredder. My heart doesn't take sides.
:'''Shredder''': People won't approve.
:'''April''': No one can keep us apart.
:''[They both kiss again. Then cuts to the sewer]''
:'''Raphael''': Aww, Hell to the No! ''[punches a brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''April''': We're soul mates! We both love Toad the Wet Sprocket.
:'''Michelangelo''': Toad the-What?! Is that a sex thing?! Have you guys had sex?!
:'''April''': No. Just dry humping, and ball play.
:'''Raphael''': Ball play?! ''[punches the same brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''Splinter''': You must stay away from Shredder, April. He is dangerous. Sleep here tonight. Donatello, grab the guest pillows.
:''[Donatello grabs pizza boxes which are the guest pillows, and puts them on the couch. Later while everyone's asleep, Shredder comes up from behind the couch to see April]''
:'''April''': ''[gasps]'' What are you doing here?
:'''Shredder''': I came to say &quot;Hi&quot;, ''[lays down next to her]'' and also have sex after the whole &quot;Hi&quot; thing.
:'''April''': It's like Six Flags Hurricane Harbor in my panties right now. ''[they both kiss again. Later, we see her and Shredder outside the manhole]'' Mmm, Mmm. You really Toadied my Wet Sprocket. When will I see you again?
:'''Shredder''': Soon, I hope. I should go before the turtles wake up. Plus, I have some major ExtenZe farts coming on. ''[farts]''
:''[Next morning while April was having her breakfast]''
:'''Donatello''': April, just go on one date with Casey. He's a good guy.
:'''April''': Casey is a jobless loser in sweats! ''[walks away]''
:'''Casey''': Good start to my morning.
:'''[Cut to April with the Rat King]''
:'''April''': So, I left. What should I do, Mr. Rat King? I belong with Shredder.
:'''Rat King''': I have an idea! And my idea involves you taking a lot of poison very quickly.
:'''April''': ''[pause, interested]'' Go on?
:''[Cut to April playing dead]''
:'''Shredder''': ''[shocked]'' It can't be! April?! NO!!!! WHY?!?! ''[accidentally hits April with his spikes]''
:'''April''': ''[wakes up in pain]'' Ow! Ow! Ow! What the ''[bleep]''?! Shredder!
:'''Shredder''': April! You're alive!
:'''April''': The poison only made me appear dead. Didn't you read &quot;Romeo and Juliet&quot;, you ''[bleep]''ing ass clown? ''[gags and dies]''
:'''Shredder''': NOOOOOOO!!!!!! ''[a few seconds of silence]'' Just gonna take my Toad the Wet Sprocket bootleg back. ''[takes his CD back, and leaves]''

===Noidstrom Rack [7.12]===
:'''Picard''': ''[dozing in the captain's chair on the bridge of the Enterprise]'' What's that Beverly? You want Wesley to watch? Hmm, make it so! ''[jerks awake]'' Oh, 2300 hours, time for the night crew to relieve us! ''[moves to leave the bridge, as Captain Jake enters]'' Captain.
:'''Captain Jake''': Capitan! ''[the Enterprise bridge crew file out, as their night crew replacements enter]'' Night crew, maintain course. ''[cut to the Enterprise moving through space]'' Space, the final frontier! These are the 11pm to 7am voyages of the Enterprise's night crew. Its continuing mission...is to PAR-TAY! ''[starts drinking from a beer can as the night crew cheer]''
:'''Night Crew''': Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! [A Borg cube appears on the view screen]
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Captain Jake, a Borg cube is hailing us.
:'''Captain Jake''': They probably want us to turn down our jams...Fat chance!
:'''Borg Drone''': Lower your shields, your culture will adapt to service us.
:'''Captain Jake''': You want us to service you?
:'''Borg Drone''': Affirmative. You will service the Borg, all night if needed! ''[Commander LaFreak sniggers. The Borg Drone looks unamused]'' Wait! Our hive mind has assimilated double entendres- real mature, guys! Prepare for assimilation! ''[the Borg cube begins to shoot at the Enterprise with its lasers]''
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Our shields won't last long, sir! Should we wake up the bald guy?
:'''Captain Jake''': ''[opens another can of beer]'' No way, Commander LaFreak! We'll beat the Borg like we beat that frat on Gallos 7!
:'''Commander LaFreak''': We'll sell naked photos of their girlfriends at a pie-eating contest?
:'''Captain Jake''': What?! No! Like any frat, the Borg share a hive mind, man. If we get one Borg to party, all Borg will party! Night crew, prepare to rock out with our Spocks out! ''[the night crew beam across to the Borg cube]'' Anybody order a partygram? ''[the night crew start playing music and drinking with the Borg drones in the cube. He pulls out a bottle of champagne to a female Borg drone]'' Wet t-shirt contest! ''[opens the champagne bottle on the female drone, who doesn't react even when he douses her chest]'' Oh right, no shirt...you want mine? ''[removes his Captain's jumper, just as the Borg drone he talked to advances on him]'' Whoa, chill out, dude! Wait, is she your daughter?
:'''Borg Drone''': Enough! Partying is futile! ''[jabs Captain Jake with its injection tubes, only to recoil. Captain Jake grins]'' Your blood, so full of beer! Your party, so hearty! ''[grabs a cup of beer from a Klingon night crew member and chugs it]'' Woo-hoooo! ''[the rest of the Borg join the drone and the night crew in partying]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Now this, I can assimilate! ''[he and the drone hug]''
:''[Cut to the Borg cube drawing a giant cock on a planet with its lasers. Cut to an awards ceremony on the bridge of the Enterprise]''
:'''Starfleet Admiral''': Captain Jake, Starfleet thanks you for defeating the Borg. ''[hangs a medal around Captain Jake's neck]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Bitchin'!
:'''Picard''': ''[fuming]'' NIGHT CREEEEEEWWWWW! ''[everyone looks round nervously, until he grins]'' Beer me! ''[the night crew cheer and Jake tosses Picard a can]'' You glorious sons of bitches!

===Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13]===
:''[The Disney Princess Castle is shown]''
:'''Snow White''': ''[from inside]'' Welcome to the Princess Summit, ''[cut to inside]'' where we address the complex political issues facing our kingdoms.
:'''Rapunzel''': Hairstyles.
:'''Cinderella''': Talking pets.
:'''Tiana''': Hairstyles for our talking pets.
:'''Ariel''': Crabs. ''[everyone looks at her in disgust]'' I've got crabs.
:'''Snow White''': Well, isn't that just, um...and where is our newest princess?
:'''Merida''': ''[enters, carrying a dead boar dripping with blood]'' Ach! Sorry I'm late. I killed a boar on the way here.
:'''Aurora''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, you're so feminist and empowered. Great.
:'''Merida''': ''[laying boar on the table and gutting it]'' 'Ey, wee beastie! Have we got to grievances yet? A bunch of wee dwarves are illegally mining me territory.
:'''Snow White''': Oh, Merida, you have far bigger problems. Let me tell you about them.
:'''Merida''': Not a damn song.
:'''Snow White''': ''[singing]'' Here's a list of things to drop;
:Your accent, bow, that tangled mop.
:Fifteen pounds from off your hips
:Those ginger afros 'neath your pits
:And no prince will want to mingle
:With a girl with no hit single.
:''[Cinderella, Aurora, and Ariel hold up gold records]''
:'''Cinderella''': ''[spoken]'' And your pet's hair is a disaster.
:'''Merida''': That's me mother! She's a bear! The trailer was very misleading! ''[holds the knife to Snow White's neck''] I came here looking for justice; instead, I found treachery. Prepare yourself for war. ''[Leaves]''
:'''Mulan''': ''[following Merida]'' Someone finally said it! See you on the killing field, round-eyes. ''[leaves]''
:'''Belle''': Amen, sister. ''[leaves]''
:'''Tiana''': Stuck-up bitches!
:''[Rapunzel follows. The remaining princesses look on. We transition to the next scene where Snow White is preparing her army for war against Merida's army]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, that Merida! I'll show her. ''[out the window]'' Send in my war counsel. ''[a cute Disney-esque bird flies up to the windowsill]'' What shall I do, little one?
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Core that bitch like an apple.
:'''Snow White''': Oh my.
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Weave a tapestry of their intestines.
:'''Snow White''': Okay, okay, I get it, I get it. We need weapons.
:'''Cinderella''': I've got a guy.
:''[The Fairy Godmother appears]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, good idea. We'll fight them with magic.
:'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[laying bag of assault weapons on table]'' Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo, that's twenty grand.
:'''Princesses''': Ooh, wow!
:'''Ariel''': Do you need thingamabobs? I've got thingamabobs.
:'''Jasmine''': Nobody cares about the dildo collection you dredged up from the Atlantic, you fishy bitch. ''[Ariel runs away crying]'' Anyone else have cold tits?
:''[We cut to Merida's training grounds]''
:'''Merida''': All right, ladies. Show me what you've got.
:'''Rapunzel''': ''[whips the practice dummy with her hair, dismembering it, then strangling it]'' I finally found the perfect conditioner— ''[pops the dummy's head off]'' blood!
:'''Louis''': ''[shooting arrows and missed the target]'' Oh, curse these stubby arms.
:'''Merida''': You're an alligator. Be an alligator!
:''[Louis turns to Mushu, who is standing beside him]''
:'''Mushu''': Oh, wait! Don't...!
:'''Louis''': ''[eats Mushu]'' Oh! I'm so sorry!
:'''Mulan''': No, no, it was...it was a good kill.
:''[Cut to Snow White's army, ready for their coming battle]''
:'''Snow White''': Not all of us will live to wish upon a star tonight, but we give our lives for a greater good.
:'''Aurora''': ''[yawning]'' Oh dear, I think I'm getting sleepy. I might have to sit this one out, guys.
:'''Snow White''': Don't you pull that shit now!
:'''Aurora''': Just teasing.
:''[An arrow fired by an off-screen Merida strikes Aurora in the throat, killing her instantly]''
:'''Merida''': ''[with her army at the top of a hill]'' Bring me the scalp and/or weave of Snow White! Charge!
:''[The armies charge at each other]''
:'''Jasmine''': I will show you a world of death!
:''[They meet in the middle, where Ariel, now a mermaid, has brought an atomic bomb]''
:'''Ariel''': Look, everyone! I brought my thingamabob! My weapons-grade thingamabob!
:'''Cinderella''': Oh, you just don't know what words are. That's your thing.
:''[The bomb starts beeping, indicating its imminent detonation]''
:'''Princesses''': ''[realizing]'' Ahh! Run away! Run away! ''[running away from the bomb]''
:'''Sebastian''': ''[pops up from behind the bomb, singing] Bend over and grab your ankles!
:''[The bomb explodes, completely obscuring the scene with smoke and ash, until it dissipates, revealing that the explosion has eradicated almost everything, leaving nothing but a barren wasteland]''
:'''Merida''': ''[wounded, trudges by]'' Me mother's a bear.
:''[Tinkerbell arrives, then shoots her in the head with a gun, winks, and leaves]''

===Walking Dead Lobster [7.14]===
===Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15]===
===Bitch Pudding Special [7.16]===
===Batman Forever 21 [7.17]===
===The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's [7.18]===
===Chipotle Miserables [7.19]===
===The Robot Chicken Lots of Holidays But Don't Worry Christmas is Still In There Too so Pull the Stick Out of Your Ass Fox News Special [7.20]===</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147841</id>
      <parentid>3147838</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T22:13:52Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
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      <comment>/* Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="35612" xml:space="preserve">===G.I. Jogurt [7.01]===
:''[At the Emmy Awards, a G.I. Joe PSA of Roadblock talking to two children is shown on the big screen]''
:'''Roadblock''': I don't know why a 7-year-old would need to deep fry a turkey, but know you know how.
:'''Children''': And knowing is half the battle.
:''[The PSA ends with the &quot;G.I. Joe&quot; jingle]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Be a Turkey on Thanksgiving&quot;.
:''[The G.I. Joes clap, and Duke kisses Scarlett before he heads up with Roadblock to collect their award, while COBRA Commander and Destro watch on from the cheap seats]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': Look at them, Destro. The Joes churn out pedestrian advice to dead-eyed children, and the public eats it up! ''[mocking the Joes]'' &quot;Hey, kids, don't play with fallen electrical lines.&quot; ''[normal voice]'' Reads like a dispatch from the no-shit clinic.
:'''Destro''': I'll get the nerve gas.
:'''COBRA Commander''': No, you fool. We'll beat them at their own game. ''[clenching his fist]'' We'll create our own PSAs!
:''[Cut to COBRA Commander, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, and the Crimson Twins in the briefing room at COBRA Headquarters]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': OK, OK, let's just throw some ideas out there. This is a safe creative place. Dr. Mindbender, go.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Well, I thought our PSA could communicate an idea non-verbally. I've discovered that painting directly on celluloid creates a sort of &quot;tone poem&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Holy ''[bleep]'', that's sounds terrible. I'm sorry, safe place, but holy shit, that was fucking dumb. Next!
:'''Baroness''': ''[enters the room]'' Oh, I forgot you guys were in here writing. I was just looking for a hammer to hang my degree in screenwriting from Aberdeen. Anything I can do for you while I'm in here? ''[looks at him]'' Destro?
:'''Destro''': She's actually really funny, you guys.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Hey, you lost me at &quot;She's&quot;. ''[Bleep'' it! We're doing it without a script.
:''[Cut to the set of COBRA's PSAs, as Destro supervises, Storm Shadow is having his makeup done by one COBRA soldier, and two more soldiers move a camera. Dr. Mindbender enters the set with a group of children]''
:'''Destro''': Dr. Mindbender, you found four young children for our PSAs.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Uh, yes. ''[puts his arms around the children]'' That is what these kidnapped children are for.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[talking to Storm Shadow, who is reading his lines]'' OK, Storm Shadow, these two children will be running with scissors. Now, this upsets you, and you...
:'''Storm Shadow''': Why?
:'''COBRA Commander''': It's dangerous to run with scissors.
:'''Storm Shadow''': I run with Katana. Is that not dangerous?
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow, I hadn't thought of that. Excellent point, Storm Shadow. ''[whispers to Tomax]'' Get this piece of ''[bleep]'' off my set!
:''[One of the children runs past, giggling while running with scissors, but ends up getting killed by Storm Shadow]''
:'''Storm Shadow''': Well, COBRA Commander, it looks like I owe you an apology.
:''[First COBRA PSA: Serpentor telling children about using supplies only at the post office]''
:'''Serpentor''': So, remember, only take supplies if you'll use them for post office business. Any other use is a felony.
:'''Boy''': Now I'm aware.
:'''Serpentor''': ''[putting his arms around the children and smiling]'' And awareness is the second 50% of the conflict in question. ''[beat]'' Somebody say ''[bleep]''ing &quot;Cut&quot;!
:''[Second COBRA PSA: COBRA Commander tells children about the joys of reading]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': And I think you'll find it's not hard to read when you take the time to sssssssssound it out. ''[both children giggle]'' Oh, yesss, I've got a sssmall ssspeech impediment. ''[both children laugh; irritated]'' It'sss not funny! ''[removes his mask, as the children scream and run away, only for the Commander to shoot them dead]'' Shut. It. Down.
:''[At the next Emmy Awards...]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Star in a COBRA PSA&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[shaking his fist]'' What?!
:'''Destro''': ''[shouting over to the troops]'' Pump the nerve gas!

===Link's Sausages [7.02]===
:''[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are standing in the street]''
:'''Tommy Pickles''': ''[holding his Reptar doll]'' Well, after crossing the freeway, base jumping off a cliff, and dodging bullets in a gang war, we finally found my Reptar doll.
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enters the street, finding the babies]'' Tommy! What are you doing in the street?!
:''[Cut to the Pickles' house]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, thank God! They've been lost for hours! Where were they?
:'''Didi Pickles''': Stu, a word?  ''[they walk into the kitchen, their voices get muffled as they talk with the door shut]'' What the ''[bleep]'', Stu?!
:'''Stu Pickles''': Well, I'm sorry. The babies escaped, and I-
:'''Didi Pickles''': Escaped?! They're babies, you sackless moron!
:'''Stu Pickles''': I was downstairs, working on a new toy, and they just-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, a new toy! Never mind, then!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[tearing up]'' Didi, if you keep ridiculing my work, I-I swear to God-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enraged]'' What?! You'll hit me?! Ooh, you're such a man!
:''[Thudding and crashing are heard as Didi violently beats Stu offscreen]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': Didi, stop!
:'''Didi Pickles''': I'll be the man! See, Stu?! I'm the man!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[sobbing]'' I want a divorce!
:''[The babies look devastated as the screen cut to static]''

===Secret of the Booze [7.03]===
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf shaving his beard in his house]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': I don't usually get involved in day-to-day operations, so I'm smurfing undercover. They'll never smurf it's me. ''[chuckles; takes off his pants]'' Ohh, I haven't smurfed these things off in nearly 300 years! Talk about crotch rot!
:''[Title Card: Undercover Smurf Boss]''
:'''Farmer Smurf''': So, you're my new intern, huh?
:'''Papa Smurf''': That's right, Farmer Smurf. Teach me to care about your sad, little life...I mean your noble and fulfilling, uh, career choice.
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Well, Smurfs are a thirsty bunch, so we got to smurf them fresh milk every day!
:''[A giant caterpillar slithers in and turns onto its side, revealing its udders]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[being filmed]'' We've been drinking CATERPILLAR MILK?! ''[milks the giant caterpillar, his hands getting sore]'' Oh, this is agony. It feels like my hands are gonna smurf off!
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Yep, my carpal tunnel got so bad, they had to fuse my wrist bones in place!
:'''Papa Smurf''': But our healthcare is smurfy, right?
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Eh, my deductible is 2,000 smurfberries.
:'''Papa Smurf''': WHAT?! ''[cash register dings]''
:''[Title Card: 1 Smurfberry = 1.78 USD]''
:''[Scene cuts to the Smurf Hospital. Doctor Smurf packs his medical bag]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': Doctor Smurf, why are deductibles so high?
:'''Doctor Smurf''': Boy, you smurf a lot of uppity questions for an intern. Uh, just treat the next patient while I go for a Jamba Juice run in my gold-plated helicopter.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Actually, I'm not really qualified.
:''[Outside the window, Doctor Smurf takes off in his gold-plated helicopter. Door opens, Smurfette and Handy Smurf enter the room]''
:'''Smurfette''': We need Doctor Smurf! Handy had an accident!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Did someone get a sliver? ''[Handy shows his bleeding hand, missing all of his fingers]'' OH MY SMURFING GOD!!!
:'''Handy Smurf''': I sawed right through a load-bearing mushroom! Half our building materials are fungus! Oh, trade school didn't prepare me for this!
:'''Smurfette''': You can smurf his fingers, right, nurse?
:'''Papa Smurf''': I'll certainly try. ''[being filmed]'' I certainly tried.
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf sewing Handy's fingers while Handy lies dead on the table]''
:'''Smurfette''': ''[crying]'' You can probably stop sewing.
:'''Papa Smurf''': No, no, no. I-I'm gonna get this. ''[walks up to Grouchy Smurf]'' So, Grouchy Smurf, how's the coffee today?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate coffee!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh! Okay. But how do you like working here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate working here.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh, goodness. Okay. Well, is there anything that maybe Papa Smurf could do?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate Papa Smurf!
:'''Papa Smurf''': All right, what exactly do you do around here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I-I hate stuff?
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[puts on his red hat]'' I'm being deadly serious.
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I...I... ''[cuts to him, shoveling dog poop outside]'' I hate shoveling dog ''[bleep]''.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Well, now that's actually an appropriate reaction. Carry on, dog-''[bleep]'' Smurf! ''[leaves]''
:''[More dog poop falls from above, next to Grouchy]''

===Rebel Appliance [7.04]===
:'''Lion-O''': My fellow Thundercats! When danger is near, I shall hold the Sword of Omens aloft and yell out a battle cry
:'''Cheetara''': What shall our battle cry be, Lion-O?
:'''Lion-O''': &quot;Thunder, thunder, thunder, thundercats, I need you because evil is near, and we are friends, and we are a team. So we must come together and fight because the Eye of Thundera is in the sky, and it is summoning everyone together. So please come here Panthro and Tygra and Panthro and also Cheetara and also Wilykit and Wilicat and also Snarf. I think I said Panthro twice. I won't do that every time. Yes, we are the Thundercats. This is our battle cry. I love you guys. You are my best friends, and I am Lion-O and I am a Thundercat, and you guys are Thundercats too. Mumm Ra is not a Thundercat, he's bad and we're gonna win against him, because we are the Thundercats, and the Thundercats are here for you today because we are the Thundercats yeah, I'm Lion-O&quot;. I hope you write that down.
:'''Snarf''': I liked it. ''[Wilykat slaps him]'' OW!

===Legion of Super-Gyros [7.05]===
:''[With Grover and Oscar the Grouch]''
:'''Grover''': Oh boy, it sure is a great day here on Sesame Street!
:'''Oscar''': Yeah, especially since we're the last neighborhood in New York that hasn't been gentrified.
:'''Grover''': Until today, because our special guest is Hannah Horvath from the marginally popular but ignored in the flyover states HBO series, Girls!
:'''Hannah''': Hey, do you know where I could find a cocaine dealer/organic Vietnamese taco truck around here?
:'''Oscar''': ''[Bleep]'' me! ''[gets back inside his trash can]''
:'''Hannah''': ''[feels Grover]'' Ooh, you're so cute! ''[later that night]'' I really love how you don't play games, Grover.
:'''Grover''': Oh but I play lots of games, patty cake, and marco polo...Ugh!
:'''Hannah''': ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jacking off]'' Insult my parents! Oh yeah!
:'''Grover''': Woah! ''[scene cuts to him and Hannah learning about numbers with apples]'' Today, we are going to learn about the number 3, I have 3 apples!
:'''Hannah''': And I know 3 girls who were date raped at the same bar on 6th street.
:'''Grover''': That is sad. ''[Hannah eats the apple]'' Uh...you're eating my props.
:'''Hannah''': I'm proud of my body.
:'''Grover''': I know, I know.
:'''Hannah''': Ugh! Yeah! ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jerking off again]''
:'''Grover''': Oh, God!

===El Skeletorio [7.06]===
:'''Crypt Keeper''': Oh, hello! I was just enjoying the latest best &quot;heller&quot;! ''[laughs evilly, but then rips off book cover]'' This is actually Dan Brown's &quot;Inferno.&quot; It's a piece of shit. Our next tale is something of an &quot;alle-gory&quot;! You might say it's a &quot;meta-gore&quot;! Let's just roll it.
:''[Cuts to the outside of Bitch Pudding's house, where the title of the sketch appears. We cut to inside the hpuse, where Bitch Pudding is sleeping]''
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out. Get out of the house. Get out of the hou-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Why don't you get your tongue out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole so I can jam your mama's ''[bleep]'' up there, you ''[bleep]''-gargling pile of monkey spunk? Nothing to say now, huh?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': There's just a lot to unpack there.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Well, wake me up when you figure it out, ''[bleep]'' stick. ''[goes back to sleep]''
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding goes to her fridge when she sees the chairs and flower pot of her table are now completely deformed]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed, she flips them over and destroys them]'' BLAM! Where's your ''[bleep]''-ass art project now, ''[bleep]'' nut?
:'''Ghostly voice''': It wasn't supposed to be art, it was supposed to scare you! God! Forget it! I'm leaving! ''[cuts to Strawberry Shortcake's house, where she is sleeping]'' Strawberry Shortcake!
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': ''[wakes up]'' Huh? What?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out of the house!
:''[A red substance begins to ooze out of the walls, causing Strawberry Shortcake to scream in fear]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[breaks in through the window]'' Hey, ''[bleep]''ing clown, if you're ragging so bad, why don't you take your mama's tampon out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole and lick it clean before you shove it up your ''[bleep]''?!
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Hey, stop talking about my dad's ''[bleep]''hole! I'll-I'll leave town, okay? Oh, FYI, that isn't blood, that is strawberry jam, m'lady. The insulation is leaking. All I did was turn the painting upside down. Live with it.
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': Do you think he was right about the insulation? That could be berry expensive.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hmm, let's see. That depends on whether I give a ''[bleep]'', ''[bleep]'' tits! ''[make a fanfare noise]'' Bitch Pudding! BLAM! ''[jumps out the window]''
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': I should really move.

===Snarfer Image [7.07]===
:''[Ticking, cuts to Elmer Fudd in a field]''
:'''Elmer Fudd:'' ''[narrating]'' Time travel has not been invented yet, ''[cocks his gun]'' but in 30 years, it will be. ''[gunshot]'' In the future, TV networks don't awwow cartoons to have guns, so if they want to kill someone, they send them back here to me. My name is Elmer Fudd, and I'm a Wooper. ''[Title Card: Wooper]'' The only wule is never let your target escape, even if your target is you.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': ''[appears in the field]'' What are you waiting for? Shoot me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': What?!
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': In the future, they don't let me have a gun! That was my one dimension as a character! Know what I did yesterday? I slept for 15 hours and then beat it to a Weader's Digest! Help me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': I can't.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': Come on, give it to me. ''[crying]'' Pleeeease. ''[gunshot]''
:'''Yosemite Sam''': ''[appears in the field]'' I'll have what he's having. ''[gunshot]''
:''[Cuts to Porky Pig on the Looney Tunes circles. The words &quot;That's all, folks!&quot; appear in front]''
:'''Porky Pig''': Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-...That's all, folks! ''[gunshot]''

===Up, Up, and Buffet [7.08]===
:'''Fiona''': The spell has broken! This was my true form all along! I can't wait to marry you, Shrek!
:'''Shrek''': Marry you?
:'''Fiona''': Well, yeah! Since we look the same now, we'll live happily ever after!
:'''Shrek''': Fiona, every morning, I look at myself in the mirror, and I wish my mother had the courage to throw me in the river when I was born. Then I make my way to the putrid swamps, the only place on God's green Earth a monster like me feels at home. Sometimes, children gather to scream at me. &quot;Monster!  Animal!&quot;, they yell. Then someone screams, &quot;Kill yourself!&quot; and it takes a few seconds to realize the voice is coming from my own mouth! By then, I've made my way to the old hanging tree. Before I have time to think about it, I'm wrapping a vine around my own neck. It goes &quot;tot&quot; and I pray to the gods that this time, the vine will hold! But alas, everyday, I wake up in my own filth and I lie there and I cry. I cry because I'll live to see my face again! So nay, marrying a lass with a face as hideous as my own is not on my to-do list!
:'''Fiona''':''[with her mouth full]'' Have you tried these mini cheeseburgers? They're great! ''[sees Shrek hanging from a noose, and to Shrek's disappointment, the noose snaps]''

===Panthropologie [7.09]===
:''[Caption: LEGO City, 2014]''
:'''Wife''': Honey, look out! Cliche!
:'''Gerry''': Huh? ''[all screaming]'' What's happening?!
:'''Cop''': Kre-O! They're everywh- Aah! ''[gets torn apart by the Kre-O's]''
:'''Wife''': There's something wrong with them. They look like us but different!
:'''General''': ''[lands in the helicopter]'' This way! Hurry! Your life has more value than other people! ''[the Lanes get onto the helicopter]'' Gerry, we need your expertise!
:'''Gerry''': My expertise? I'm not a soldier!
:'''General''': Gerry, we need a lawyer.
:''[Title Card: WORLD WAR B (as in blocks)]''
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': Put simply, Gerry, we're being invaded by imitation blocks.
:'''Assistant''': Off-brand products with a taste for LEGO blood!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': They're nearly identical but different. Wrong. Like when you sit on your hand until it goes to sleep. You try to pretend Flo from the Progressive commercials is giving you an HJ, but you know it's not Flo. You know that! She'd never be so clumsy, so artless.
:'''General''': That's impossible! We're trademarked!
:'''Gerry''': No, general. LEGO bricks aren't protected by trademark. They're protected by patent.
:'''General''': Hell, man, what's the difference?
:'''Gerry''': The difference is...patents expire! Cool! Someone turned that legal document into a GIF. That's fun.
:'''General''': Isn't it &quot;jiff&quot;? Anyway, how do we stop it?
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': There's nothing we can do. ''[whispering]'' Don't worry, Flo. I'll protect you.
:'''Assistant''': Don't worry, girl from the Wendy's commercials.
:'''General''': Don't worry, GEICO gecko.
:''[Cut to the map]''
:'''Gerry''': ''[narrating]'' They covered the whole globe in no time: Mega Bloks, Kre-O, Best-Lock, CoCo, BanBao, Rokenbok, Super Blocks, and Leggo with two g's, which was especially insulting.
:''[Caption: Lego Headquarters, Denmark]''
:''[Zombies groaning]''
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' LEGO my baby, LEGO my honey, LEGO my ragtime gal...
:'''Son''': Daddy, are we safe?
:'''Gerry''': Of course we are, son. People are singing, aren't they? Ugh. That is the lowest form of music.
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' ...Honey, you'll lose me, then you'll be left alone...
:''[Zombies groaning loudly]''
:'''Gerry''': The terrible singing! They're attracted to the terrible singing! ''[the zombies start climbing over the walls. Gerry knocks out the quartet. Soldiers start shooting]'' Ohh! - Ow! Fire! Fire! They're too fast!-Ohh!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': ''[runs in with the syringe]'' Gerry, I've found a way to camouflage ourselves!
:'''Gerry''': That beats my solution. ''[acts out shooting zombies, and then acts out shooting himself]'' Pew pew! Pew pew! Pew!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': LEGOs are machined to a tolerance of 10 micrometers! That's why we're so expensive! But this serum will make us look cheaper and sloppier! ''[injects himself]'' Aah! ''[turns into a Playmobil figure]'' We look like them now!
:'''Gerry''': I'd rather die.
:'''Son''': ''[notices something]'' What?! They have Transformers?
:'''Gerry''': No, son! No!
:'''Son''': Aah! ''[Bumblebee rips him in half]''
:'''Gerry''': Nooooooo!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': You probably don't even want to go on living now.
:'''Gerry''': Huh? Oh, that was just a kid from my wife's first marriage. But that looked really painful. Hit me with the juice! ''[gets injected]'' Ugh! ''[the serum transforms him into...]'' No! You turned me into a ''[bleep]''ing DUPLO! It's the same company as LEGO, you fool! Aah! Aah! ''[Mrs. Lane and the Doctor run away whilst DUPLO Gerry gets his head ripped off]'' Guys, is this ending working? Let's re-shoot it.
:''[Zombies murmuring]''

===Catdog on a Stick [7.10]===
:'''Executive''': You sure you wanna do a movie, Tiger?
:'''Tiger''': I want to be beloved again, like before I had sex with all those waitresses from IHOP. Jordan did Space Jam. I want my Space Jam.
:'''Executive''': Well, studios aren't lining up to lend their characters to a Tiger Woods movie. Everyone aggressively passed except DiC, but I cannot recommend that.
:''[Cut to the title card for the Golf Jam movie]''
:'''Singers''': Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to Tiger on the golf course]''
:'''Tiger''': Time for a day of playing golf and being faithful to my girlfriend. ''[falls down a large hole]'' What? Whoooooooa!! ''[lands in DiC Land, surrounded by Heathcliff and other DiC characters]'' Ow!
:'''Heathcliff''': Welcome to DiC Land, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[getting up from his fall and waving hello]'' Why, hi, Garfield.
:'''Heathcliff''': I'm Heathcliff. I'm more romantic and have an accent. This is Cleo.
:'''Cleo''': We need your help, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to put my penis in you... ''[snaps back to attention, and looks at the camera]'' I mean, I love my girlfriend.
:'''Cleo''': We brought you here because the evil Dork Punks challenged us to a game of golf.
:'''Tiger''': ''[once again enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to hump your face... ''[flustered]'' I mean, help your face- ''[snaps out of it again]'' Help you, I will help you!
:''[The Dork Punks walk into the shot, as Tiger turns to look at them]''
:'''Dork Punk''': Let's tee off, DiC-heads!
:''[Tiger and Heathcliff look at each other and nod, and we cut to a golf-playing montage. Tiger (now wearing a cap with the DiC logo on it) hits a beautful shot as Heathcliff, Cleo, and a couple of other toons watch. LongArm uses his gauntlet to sink a putt, as Tiger chats up Princess Lana and receives a slap to the face from her. As Cleo prepares to sink her putt, Tiger walks up from behind and starts pretending to hump her. Ja-Kal prepares to take a shot as Armon looks on, but a piece of Armon's gauze is caught on Ja-Kal's club. As Ja-Kal swings, he and Armon both get tied up in Armon's gauze. Tiger is seen in one of the bunkers with Nefer-Tina sitting on top of him, as she unwraps the gauze from her upper body much to Tiger's delight. The montage ends as Tiger is getting ready to sink his final putt, with Cleo and Hammerman watching on]''
:'''Hammerman''': If you sink this putt, we win!
:'''Tiger''': Wish me luck, Bobby Brown.
:'''Hammerman''': Bobby Brown? I'm Hammerman! I'm M.C. Hammer, except not, and I have magic shoes. ''[shows off his magic dancing shoes]''
:'''Tiger''': ''[looks at Cleo]'' You know, I don't even know if I want to save you DiC's. You're just uninspired rehashes of good ideas. Seriously, how cheap is DiC? This is a movie, and you all look like you were drawn on a napkin.
:'''Cleo''': Win the game and I'll blow you.
:''[Upon hearing this, Tiger immediately sinks the putt and wins the game. As the DiC toons celebrate, Tiger unzips his pants and takes a terrified Cleo by the hand into the Pancake House for his well-earned blowjob]''
:'''Hammerman''': ''[rapping]'' Everybody tee off, get a club in your hands, charisma-free sex addict saving DiC Land! Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to black with the bold white text &quot;Golf Jam was rented once from Redbox. The copy was returned on time.&quot;]''

===Super Guitaro Center [7.11]===
:'''Shredder''': The &quot;Channel 6 News Masquerade Ball&quot; is the opportunity for me to kidnap April O'Neil. She's the perfect bait to catch the turtles. ''[surprised to see April's costume]'' Wow! Out of that bulky lesbian jumpsuit, she's hot as ''[bleep]''!
:'''April''': Care to dance, Mr. Potter?
:'''Shredder''': WHAT?! ''[cuts to Shredder dancing with April]'' And, what's your costume?
:'''April''': Belle from &quot;Beauty and The Beast&quot;, but a dick-slut.
:'''Shredder''': Is your favorite restaurant, Taco &quot;Belle&quot;?
:''[Both laugh]''
:'''April''': You are hilarious.
:'''Shredder''': On the count of 3, say your favorite band. 1, 2, 3!
:'''Shredder and April''': Toad the Wet Sprocket! ''[pause, they both kiss]''
:'''April''': ''[feels the blade, and gasped]'' Wait. Are you-
:'''Shredder''': In love? Yes. WHAT?! Bye! ''[leaves]''
:'''April''': ''[realizing]'' Shredder?
:''[Cut to Shredder with April outside her apartment after the party]''
:'''Shredder''': Think of something poetic, Oroku. ''[to April]'' But soft, you are total boner food!
:'''April''': Oh, Shredder. My heart doesn't take sides.
:'''Shredder''': People won't approve.
:'''April''': No one can keep us apart.
:''[They both kiss again. Then cuts to the sewer]''
:'''Raphael''': Aww, Hell to the No! ''[punches a brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''April''': We're soul mates! We both love Toad the Wet Sprocket.
:'''Michelangelo''': Toad the-What?! Is that a sex thing?! Have you guys had sex?!
:'''April''': No. Just dry humping, and ball play.
:'''Raphael''': Ball play?! ''[punches the same brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''Splinter''': You must stay away from Shredder, April. He is dangerous. Sleep here tonight. Donatello, grab the guest pillows.
:''[Donatello grabs pizza boxes which are the guest pillows, and puts them on the couch. Later while everyone's asleep, Shredder comes up from behind the couch to see April]''
:'''April''': ''[gasps]'' What are you doing here?
:'''Shredder''': I came to say &quot;Hi&quot;, ''[lays down next to her]'' and also have sex after the whole &quot;Hi&quot; thing.
:'''April''': It's like Six Flags Hurricane Harbor in my panties right now. ''[they both kiss again. Later, we see her and Shredder outside the manhole]'' Mmm, Mmm. You really Toadied my Wet Sprocket. When will I see you again?
:'''Shredder''': Soon, I hope. I should go before the turtles wake up. Plus, I have some major ExtenZe farts coming on. ''[farts]''
:''[Next morning while April was having her breakfast]''
:'''Donatello''': April, just go on one date with Casey. He's a good guy.
:'''April''': Casey is a jobless loser in sweats! ''[walks away]''
:'''Casey''': Good start to my morning.
:'''[Cut to April with the Rat King]''
:'''April''': So, I left. What should I do, Mr. Rat King? I belong with Shredder.
:'''Rat King''': I have an idea! And my idea involves you taking a lot of poison very quickly.
:'''April''': ''[pause, interested]'' Go on?
:''[Cut to April playing dead]''
:'''Shredder''': ''[shocked]'' It can't be! April?! NO!!!! WHY?!?! ''[accidentally hits April with his spikes]''
:'''April''': ''[wakes up in pain]'' Ow! Ow! Ow! What the ''[bleep]''?! Shredder!
:'''Shredder''': April! You're alive!
:'''April''': The poison only made me appear dead. Didn't you read &quot;Romeo and Juliet&quot;, you ''[bleep]''ing ass clown? ''[gags and dies]''
:'''Shredder''': NOOOOOOO!!!!!! ''[a few seconds of silence]'' Just gonna take my Toad the Wet Sprocket bootleg back. ''[takes his CD back, and leaves]''

===Noidstrom Rack [7.12]===
:'''Picard''': ''[dozing in the captain's chair on the bridge of the Enterprise]'' What's that Beverly? You want Wesley to watch? Hmm, make it so! ''[jerks awake]'' Oh, 2300 hours, time for the night crew to relieve us! ''[moves to leave the bridge, as Captain Jake enters]'' Captain.
:'''Captain Jake''': Capitan! ''[the Enterprise bridge crew file out, as their night crew replacements enter]'' Night crew, maintain course. ''[cut to the Enterprise moving through space]'' Space, the final frontier! These are the 11pm to 7am voyages of the Enterprise's night crew. Its continuing mission...is to PAR-TAY! ''[starts drinking from a beer can as the night crew cheer]''
:'''Night Crew''': Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! [A Borg cube appears on the view screen]
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Captain Jake, a Borg cube is hailing us.
:'''Captain Jake''': They probably want us to turn down our jams...Fat chance!
:'''Borg Drone''': Lower your shields, your culture will adapt to service us.
:'''Captain Jake''': You want us to service you?
:'''Borg Drone''': Affirmative. You will service the Borg, all night if needed! ''[Commander LaFreak sniggers. The Borg Drone looks unamused]'' Wait! Our hive mind has assimilated double entendres- real mature, guys! Prepare for assimilation! ''[the Borg cube begins to shoot at the Enterprise with its lasers]''
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Our shields won't last long, sir! Should we wake up the bald guy?
:'''Captain Jake''': ''[opens another can of beer]'' No way, Commander LaFreak! We'll beat the Borg like we beat that frat on Gallos 7!
:'''Commander LaFreak''': We'll sell naked photos of their girlfriends at a pie-eating contest?
:'''Captain Jake''': What?! No! Like any frat, the Borg share a hive mind, man. If we get one Borg to party, all Borg will party! Night crew, prepare to rock out with our Spocks out! ''[the night crew beam across to the Borg cube]'' Anybody order a partygram? ''[the night crew start playing music and drinking with the Borg drones in the cube. He pulls out a bottle of champagne to a female Borg drone]'' Wet t-shirt contest! ''[opens the champagne bottle on the female drone, who doesn't react even when he douses her chest]'' Oh right, no shirt...you want mine? ''[removes his Captain's jumper, just as the Borg drone he talked to advances on him]'' Whoa, chill out, dude! Wait, is she your daughter?
:'''Borg Drone''': Enough! Partying is futile! ''[jabs Captain Jake with its injection tubes, only to recoil. Captain Jake grins]'' Your blood, so full of beer! Your party, so hearty! ''[grabs a cup of beer from a Klingon night crew member and chugs it]'' Woo-hoooo! ''[the rest of the Borg join the drone and the night crew in partying]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Now this, I can assimilate! ''[he and the drone hug]''
:''[Cut to the Borg cube drawing a giant cock on a planet with its lasers. Cut to an awards ceremony on the bridge of the Enterprise]''
:'''Starfleet Admiral''': Captain Jake, Starfleet thanks you for defeating the Borg. ''[hangs a medal around Captain Jake's neck]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Bitchin'!
:'''Picard''': ''[fuming]'' NIGHT CREEEEEEWWWWW! ''[everyone looks round nervously, until he grins]'' Beer me! ''[the night crew cheer and Jake tosses Picard a can]'' You glorious sons of bitches!

===Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13]===
:''[The Disney Princess Castle is shown]''
:'''Snow White''': ''[from inside]'' Welcome to the Princess Summit, ''[cut to inside]'' where we address the complex political issues facing our kingdoms.
:'''Rapunzel''': Hairstyles.
:'''Cinderella''': Talking pets.
:'''Tiana''': Hairstyles for our talking pets.
:'''Ariel''': Crabs. ''[everyone looks at her in disgust]'' I've got crabs.
:'''Snow White''': Well, isn't that just, um...and where is our newest princess?
:'''Merida''': ''[enters, carrying a dead boar dripping with blood]'' Ach! Sorry I'm late. I killed a boar on the way here.
:'''Aurora''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, you're so feminist and empowered. Great.
:'''Merida''': ''[laying boar on the table and gutting it]'' 'Ey, wee beastie! Have we got to grievances yet? A bunch of wee dwarves are illegally mining me territory.
:'''Snow White''': Oh, Merida, you have far bigger problems. Let me tell you about them.
:'''Merida''': Not a damn song.
:'''Snow White''': ''[singing]'' Here's a list of things to drop;
:Your accent, bow, that tangled mop.
:Fifteen pounds from off your hips
:Those ginger afros 'neath your pits
:And no prince will want to mingle
:With a girl with no hit single.
:''[Cinderella, Aurora, and Ariel hold up gold records]''
:'''Cinderella''': ''[spoken]'' And your pet's hair is a disaster.
:'''Merida''': That's me mother! She's a bear! The trailer was very misleading! ''[holds the knife to Snow White's neck''] I came here looking for justice; instead, I found treachery. Prepare yourself for war. ''[Leaves]''
:'''Mulan''': ''[following Merida]'' Someone finally said it! See you on the killing field, round-eyes. ''[leaves]''
:'''Belle''': Amen, sister. ''[leaves]''
:'''Tiana''': Stuck-up bitches!
:''[Rapunzel follows. The remaining princesses look on. We transition to the next scene where Snow White is preparing her army for war against Merida's army]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, that Merida! I'll show her. ''[out the window]'' Send in my war counsel. ''[a cute Disney-esque bird flies up to the windowsill]'' What shall I do, little one?
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Core that bitch like an apple.
:'''Snow White''': Oh my.
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Weave a tapestry of their intestines.
:'''Snow White''': Okay, okay, I get it, I get it. We need weapons.
:'''Cinderella''': I've got a guy.
:''[The Fairy Godmother appears]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, good idea. We'll fight them with magic.
:'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[laying bag of assault weapons on table]'' Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo, that's twenty grand.
:'''Princesses''': Ooh, wow!
:'''Ariel''': Do you need thingamabobs? I've got thingamabobs.
:'''Jasmine''': Nobody cares about the dildo collection you dredged up from the Atlantic, you fishy bitch. ''[Ariel runs away crying]'' Anyone else have cold tits?
:''[We cut to Merida's training grounds]''
:'''Merida''': All right, ladies. Show me what you've got.
:'''Rapunzel''': ''[whips the practice dummy with her hair, dismembering it, then strangling it]'' I finally found the perfect conditioner— ''[pops the dummy's head off]'' blood!
:'''Louis''': ''[shooting arrows and missed the target]'' Oh, curse these stubby arms.
:'''Merida''': You're an alligator. Be an alligator!
:''[Louis turns to Mushu, who is standing beside him]''
:'''Mushu''': Oh, wait! Don't...!
:'''Louis''': ''[eats Mushu]'' Oh! I'm so sorry!
:'''Mulan''': No, no, it was...it was a good kill.
:''[Cut to Snow White's army, ready for their coming battle]''
:'''Snow White''': Not all of us will live to wish upon a star tonight, but we give our lives for a greater good.
:'''Aurora''': ''[yawning]'' Oh dear, I think I'm getting sleepy. I might have to sit this one out, guys.
:'''Snow White''': Don't you pull that shit now!
:'''Aurora''': Just teasing.
:''[An arrow fired by an off-screen Merida strikes Aurora in the throat, killing her instantly]''
:'''Merida''': ''[with her army at the top of a hill]'' Bring me the scalp and/or weave of Snow White! Charge!
:''[The armies charge at each other]''
:'''Jasmine''': I will show you a world of death!
:''[They meet in the middle, where Ariel, now a mermaid, has brought an atomic bomb]''
:'''Ariel''': Look, everyone! I brought my thingamabob! My weapons-grade thingamabob!
:'''Cinderella''': Oh, you just don't know what words are. That's your thing.
:''[The bomb starts beeping, indicating its imminent detonation]''
:'''Princesses''': ''[realizing]'' Ahh! Run away! Run away! ''[running away from the bomb]''
:'''Sebastian''': ''[pops up from behind the bomb, singing]'' Bend over and grab your ankles!
:''[The bomb explodes, completely obscuring the scene with smoke and ash, until it dissipates, revealing that the explosion has eradicated almost everything, leaving nothing but a barren wasteland]''
:'''Merida''': ''[wounded, trudges by]'' Me mother's a bear.
:''[Tinkerbell arrives, then shoots her in the head with a gun, winks, and leaves]''

===Walking Dead Lobster [7.14]===
===Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15]===
===Bitch Pudding Special [7.16]===
===Batman Forever 21 [7.17]===
===The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's [7.18]===
===Chipotle Miserables [7.19]===
===The Robot Chicken Lots of Holidays But Don't Worry Christmas is Still In There Too so Pull the Stick Out of Your Ass Fox News Special [7.20]===</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3147859</id>
      <parentid>3147841</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T22:23:20Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Walking Dead Lobster [7.14] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="37719" xml:space="preserve">===G.I. Jogurt [7.01]===
:''[At the Emmy Awards, a G.I. Joe PSA of Roadblock talking to two children is shown on the big screen]''
:'''Roadblock''': I don't know why a 7-year-old would need to deep fry a turkey, but know you know how.
:'''Children''': And knowing is half the battle.
:''[The PSA ends with the &quot;G.I. Joe&quot; jingle]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Be a Turkey on Thanksgiving&quot;.
:''[The G.I. Joes clap, and Duke kisses Scarlett before he heads up with Roadblock to collect their award, while COBRA Commander and Destro watch on from the cheap seats]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': Look at them, Destro. The Joes churn out pedestrian advice to dead-eyed children, and the public eats it up! ''[mocking the Joes]'' &quot;Hey, kids, don't play with fallen electrical lines.&quot; ''[normal voice]'' Reads like a dispatch from the no-shit clinic.
:'''Destro''': I'll get the nerve gas.
:'''COBRA Commander''': No, you fool. We'll beat them at their own game. ''[clenching his fist]'' We'll create our own PSAs!
:''[Cut to COBRA Commander, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, and the Crimson Twins in the briefing room at COBRA Headquarters]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': OK, OK, let's just throw some ideas out there. This is a safe creative place. Dr. Mindbender, go.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Well, I thought our PSA could communicate an idea non-verbally. I've discovered that painting directly on celluloid creates a sort of &quot;tone poem&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Holy ''[bleep]'', that's sounds terrible. I'm sorry, safe place, but holy shit, that was fucking dumb. Next!
:'''Baroness''': ''[enters the room]'' Oh, I forgot you guys were in here writing. I was just looking for a hammer to hang my degree in screenwriting from Aberdeen. Anything I can do for you while I'm in here? ''[looks at him]'' Destro?
:'''Destro''': She's actually really funny, you guys.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Hey, you lost me at &quot;She's&quot;. ''[Bleep'' it! We're doing it without a script.
:''[Cut to the set of COBRA's PSAs, as Destro supervises, Storm Shadow is having his makeup done by one COBRA soldier, and two more soldiers move a camera. Dr. Mindbender enters the set with a group of children]''
:'''Destro''': Dr. Mindbender, you found four young children for our PSAs.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Uh, yes. ''[puts his arms around the children]'' That is what these kidnapped children are for.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[talking to Storm Shadow, who is reading his lines]'' OK, Storm Shadow, these two children will be running with scissors. Now, this upsets you, and you...
:'''Storm Shadow''': Why?
:'''COBRA Commander''': It's dangerous to run with scissors.
:'''Storm Shadow''': I run with Katana. Is that not dangerous?
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow, I hadn't thought of that. Excellent point, Storm Shadow. ''[whispers to Tomax]'' Get this piece of ''[bleep]'' off my set!
:''[One of the children runs past, giggling while running with scissors, but ends up getting killed by Storm Shadow]''
:'''Storm Shadow''': Well, COBRA Commander, it looks like I owe you an apology.
:''[First COBRA PSA: Serpentor telling children about using supplies only at the post office]''
:'''Serpentor''': So, remember, only take supplies if you'll use them for post office business. Any other use is a felony.
:'''Boy''': Now I'm aware.
:'''Serpentor''': ''[putting his arms around the children and smiling]'' And awareness is the second 50% of the conflict in question. ''[beat]'' Somebody say ''[bleep]''ing &quot;Cut&quot;!
:''[Second COBRA PSA: COBRA Commander tells children about the joys of reading]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': And I think you'll find it's not hard to read when you take the time to sssssssssound it out. ''[both children giggle]'' Oh, yesss, I've got a sssmall ssspeech impediment. ''[both children laugh; irritated]'' It'sss not funny! ''[removes his mask, as the children scream and run away, only for the Commander to shoot them dead]'' Shut. It. Down.
:''[At the next Emmy Awards...]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Star in a COBRA PSA&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[shaking his fist]'' What?!
:'''Destro''': ''[shouting over to the troops]'' Pump the nerve gas!

===Link's Sausages [7.02]===
:''[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are standing in the street]''
:'''Tommy Pickles''': ''[holding his Reptar doll]'' Well, after crossing the freeway, base jumping off a cliff, and dodging bullets in a gang war, we finally found my Reptar doll.
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enters the street, finding the babies]'' Tommy! What are you doing in the street?!
:''[Cut to the Pickles' house]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, thank God! They've been lost for hours! Where were they?
:'''Didi Pickles''': Stu, a word?  ''[they walk into the kitchen, their voices get muffled as they talk with the door shut]'' What the ''[bleep]'', Stu?!
:'''Stu Pickles''': Well, I'm sorry. The babies escaped, and I-
:'''Didi Pickles''': Escaped?! They're babies, you sackless moron!
:'''Stu Pickles''': I was downstairs, working on a new toy, and they just-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, a new toy! Never mind, then!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[tearing up]'' Didi, if you keep ridiculing my work, I-I swear to God-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enraged]'' What?! You'll hit me?! Ooh, you're such a man!
:''[Thudding and crashing are heard as Didi violently beats Stu offscreen]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': Didi, stop!
:'''Didi Pickles''': I'll be the man! See, Stu?! I'm the man!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[sobbing]'' I want a divorce!
:''[The babies look devastated as the screen cut to static]''

===Secret of the Booze [7.03]===
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf shaving his beard in his house]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': I don't usually get involved in day-to-day operations, so I'm smurfing undercover. They'll never smurf it's me. ''[chuckles; takes off his pants]'' Ohh, I haven't smurfed these things off in nearly 300 years! Talk about crotch rot!
:''[Title Card: Undercover Smurf Boss]''
:'''Farmer Smurf''': So, you're my new intern, huh?
:'''Papa Smurf''': That's right, Farmer Smurf. Teach me to care about your sad, little life...I mean your noble and fulfilling, uh, career choice.
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Well, Smurfs are a thirsty bunch, so we got to smurf them fresh milk every day!
:''[A giant caterpillar slithers in and turns onto its side, revealing its udders]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[being filmed]'' We've been drinking CATERPILLAR MILK?! ''[milks the giant caterpillar, his hands getting sore]'' Oh, this is agony. It feels like my hands are gonna smurf off!
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Yep, my carpal tunnel got so bad, they had to fuse my wrist bones in place!
:'''Papa Smurf''': But our healthcare is smurfy, right?
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Eh, my deductible is 2,000 smurfberries.
:'''Papa Smurf''': WHAT?! ''[cash register dings]''
:''[Title Card: 1 Smurfberry = 1.78 USD]''
:''[Scene cuts to the Smurf Hospital. Doctor Smurf packs his medical bag]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': Doctor Smurf, why are deductibles so high?
:'''Doctor Smurf''': Boy, you smurf a lot of uppity questions for an intern. Uh, just treat the next patient while I go for a Jamba Juice run in my gold-plated helicopter.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Actually, I'm not really qualified.
:''[Outside the window, Doctor Smurf takes off in his gold-plated helicopter. Door opens, Smurfette and Handy Smurf enter the room]''
:'''Smurfette''': We need Doctor Smurf! Handy had an accident!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Did someone get a sliver? ''[Handy shows his bleeding hand, missing all of his fingers]'' OH MY SMURFING GOD!!!
:'''Handy Smurf''': I sawed right through a load-bearing mushroom! Half our building materials are fungus! Oh, trade school didn't prepare me for this!
:'''Smurfette''': You can smurf his fingers, right, nurse?
:'''Papa Smurf''': I'll certainly try. ''[being filmed]'' I certainly tried.
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf sewing Handy's fingers while Handy lies dead on the table]''
:'''Smurfette''': ''[crying]'' You can probably stop sewing.
:'''Papa Smurf''': No, no, no. I-I'm gonna get this. ''[walks up to Grouchy Smurf]'' So, Grouchy Smurf, how's the coffee today?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate coffee!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh! Okay. But how do you like working here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate working here.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh, goodness. Okay. Well, is there anything that maybe Papa Smurf could do?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate Papa Smurf!
:'''Papa Smurf''': All right, what exactly do you do around here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I-I hate stuff?
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[puts on his red hat]'' I'm being deadly serious.
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I...I... ''[cuts to him, shoveling dog poop outside]'' I hate shoveling dog ''[bleep]''.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Well, now that's actually an appropriate reaction. Carry on, dog-''[bleep]'' Smurf! ''[leaves]''
:''[More dog poop falls from above, next to Grouchy]''

===Rebel Appliance [7.04]===
:'''Lion-O''': My fellow Thundercats! When danger is near, I shall hold the Sword of Omens aloft and yell out a battle cry
:'''Cheetara''': What shall our battle cry be, Lion-O?
:'''Lion-O''': &quot;Thunder, thunder, thunder, thundercats, I need you because evil is near, and we are friends, and we are a team. So we must come together and fight because the Eye of Thundera is in the sky, and it is summoning everyone together. So please come here Panthro and Tygra and Panthro and also Cheetara and also Wilykit and Wilicat and also Snarf. I think I said Panthro twice. I won't do that every time. Yes, we are the Thundercats. This is our battle cry. I love you guys. You are my best friends, and I am Lion-O and I am a Thundercat, and you guys are Thundercats too. Mumm Ra is not a Thundercat, he's bad and we're gonna win against him, because we are the Thundercats, and the Thundercats are here for you today because we are the Thundercats yeah, I'm Lion-O&quot;. I hope you write that down.
:'''Snarf''': I liked it. ''[Wilykat slaps him]'' OW!

===Legion of Super-Gyros [7.05]===
:''[With Grover and Oscar the Grouch]''
:'''Grover''': Oh boy, it sure is a great day here on Sesame Street!
:'''Oscar''': Yeah, especially since we're the last neighborhood in New York that hasn't been gentrified.
:'''Grover''': Until today, because our special guest is Hannah Horvath from the marginally popular but ignored in the flyover states HBO series, Girls!
:'''Hannah''': Hey, do you know where I could find a cocaine dealer/organic Vietnamese taco truck around here?
:'''Oscar''': ''[Bleep]'' me! ''[gets back inside his trash can]''
:'''Hannah''': ''[feels Grover]'' Ooh, you're so cute! ''[later that night]'' I really love how you don't play games, Grover.
:'''Grover''': Oh but I play lots of games, patty cake, and marco polo...Ugh!
:'''Hannah''': ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jacking off]'' Insult my parents! Oh yeah!
:'''Grover''': Woah! ''[scene cuts to him and Hannah learning about numbers with apples]'' Today, we are going to learn about the number 3, I have 3 apples!
:'''Hannah''': And I know 3 girls who were date raped at the same bar on 6th street.
:'''Grover''': That is sad. ''[Hannah eats the apple]'' Uh...you're eating my props.
:'''Hannah''': I'm proud of my body.
:'''Grover''': I know, I know.
:'''Hannah''': Ugh! Yeah! ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jerking off again]''
:'''Grover''': Oh, God!

===El Skeletorio [7.06]===
:'''Crypt Keeper''': Oh, hello! I was just enjoying the latest best &quot;heller&quot;! ''[laughs evilly, but then rips off book cover]'' This is actually Dan Brown's &quot;Inferno.&quot; It's a piece of shit. Our next tale is something of an &quot;alle-gory&quot;! You might say it's a &quot;meta-gore&quot;! Let's just roll it.
:''[Cuts to the outside of Bitch Pudding's house, where the title of the sketch appears. We cut to inside the hpuse, where Bitch Pudding is sleeping]''
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out. Get out of the house. Get out of the hou-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Why don't you get your tongue out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole so I can jam your mama's ''[bleep]'' up there, you ''[bleep]''-gargling pile of monkey spunk? Nothing to say now, huh?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': There's just a lot to unpack there.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Well, wake me up when you figure it out, ''[bleep]'' stick. ''[goes back to sleep]''
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding goes to her fridge when she sees the chairs and flower pot of her table are now completely deformed]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed, she flips them over and destroys them]'' BLAM! Where's your ''[bleep]''-ass art project now, ''[bleep]'' nut?
:'''Ghostly voice''': It wasn't supposed to be art, it was supposed to scare you! God! Forget it! I'm leaving! ''[cuts to Strawberry Shortcake's house, where she is sleeping]'' Strawberry Shortcake!
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': ''[wakes up]'' Huh? What?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out of the house!
:''[A red substance begins to ooze out of the walls, causing Strawberry Shortcake to scream in fear]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[breaks in through the window]'' Hey, ''[bleep]''ing clown, if you're ragging so bad, why don't you take your mama's tampon out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole and lick it clean before you shove it up your ''[bleep]''?!
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Hey, stop talking about my dad's ''[bleep]''hole! I'll-I'll leave town, okay? Oh, FYI, that isn't blood, that is strawberry jam, m'lady. The insulation is leaking. All I did was turn the painting upside down. Live with it.
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': Do you think he was right about the insulation? That could be berry expensive.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hmm, let's see. That depends on whether I give a ''[bleep]'', ''[bleep]'' tits! ''[make a fanfare noise]'' Bitch Pudding! BLAM! ''[jumps out the window]''
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': I should really move.

===Snarfer Image [7.07]===
:''[Ticking, cuts to Elmer Fudd in a field]''
:'''Elmer Fudd:'' ''[narrating]'' Time travel has not been invented yet, ''[cocks his gun]'' but in 30 years, it will be. ''[gunshot]'' In the future, TV networks don't awwow cartoons to have guns, so if they want to kill someone, they send them back here to me. My name is Elmer Fudd, and I'm a Wooper. ''[Title Card: Wooper]'' The only wule is never let your target escape, even if your target is you.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': ''[appears in the field]'' What are you waiting for? Shoot me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': What?!
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': In the future, they don't let me have a gun! That was my one dimension as a character! Know what I did yesterday? I slept for 15 hours and then beat it to a Weader's Digest! Help me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': I can't.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': Come on, give it to me. ''[crying]'' Pleeeease. ''[gunshot]''
:'''Yosemite Sam''': ''[appears in the field]'' I'll have what he's having. ''[gunshot]''
:''[Cuts to Porky Pig on the Looney Tunes circles. The words &quot;That's all, folks!&quot; appear in front]''
:'''Porky Pig''': Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-...That's all, folks! ''[gunshot]''

===Up, Up, and Buffet [7.08]===
:'''Fiona''': The spell has broken! This was my true form all along! I can't wait to marry you, Shrek!
:'''Shrek''': Marry you?
:'''Fiona''': Well, yeah! Since we look the same now, we'll live happily ever after!
:'''Shrek''': Fiona, every morning, I look at myself in the mirror, and I wish my mother had the courage to throw me in the river when I was born. Then I make my way to the putrid swamps, the only place on God's green Earth a monster like me feels at home. Sometimes, children gather to scream at me. &quot;Monster!  Animal!&quot;, they yell. Then someone screams, &quot;Kill yourself!&quot; and it takes a few seconds to realize the voice is coming from my own mouth! By then, I've made my way to the old hanging tree. Before I have time to think about it, I'm wrapping a vine around my own neck. It goes &quot;tot&quot; and I pray to the gods that this time, the vine will hold! But alas, everyday, I wake up in my own filth and I lie there and I cry. I cry because I'll live to see my face again! So nay, marrying a lass with a face as hideous as my own is not on my to-do list!
:'''Fiona''':''[with her mouth full]'' Have you tried these mini cheeseburgers? They're great! ''[sees Shrek hanging from a noose, and to Shrek's disappointment, the noose snaps]''

===Panthropologie [7.09]===
:''[Caption: LEGO City, 2014]''
:'''Wife''': Honey, look out! Cliche!
:'''Gerry''': Huh? ''[all screaming]'' What's happening?!
:'''Cop''': Kre-O! They're everywh- Aah! ''[gets torn apart by the Kre-O's]''
:'''Wife''': There's something wrong with them. They look like us but different!
:'''General''': ''[lands in the helicopter]'' This way! Hurry! Your life has more value than other people! ''[the Lanes get onto the helicopter]'' Gerry, we need your expertise!
:'''Gerry''': My expertise? I'm not a soldier!
:'''General''': Gerry, we need a lawyer.
:''[Title Card: WORLD WAR B (as in blocks)]''
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': Put simply, Gerry, we're being invaded by imitation blocks.
:'''Assistant''': Off-brand products with a taste for LEGO blood!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': They're nearly identical but different. Wrong. Like when you sit on your hand until it goes to sleep. You try to pretend Flo from the Progressive commercials is giving you an HJ, but you know it's not Flo. You know that! She'd never be so clumsy, so artless.
:'''General''': That's impossible! We're trademarked!
:'''Gerry''': No, general. LEGO bricks aren't protected by trademark. They're protected by patent.
:'''General''': Hell, man, what's the difference?
:'''Gerry''': The difference is...patents expire! Cool! Someone turned that legal document into a GIF. That's fun.
:'''General''': Isn't it &quot;jiff&quot;? Anyway, how do we stop it?
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': There's nothing we can do. ''[whispering]'' Don't worry, Flo. I'll protect you.
:'''Assistant''': Don't worry, girl from the Wendy's commercials.
:'''General''': Don't worry, GEICO gecko.
:''[Cut to the map]''
:'''Gerry''': ''[narrating]'' They covered the whole globe in no time: Mega Bloks, Kre-O, Best-Lock, CoCo, BanBao, Rokenbok, Super Blocks, and Leggo with two g's, which was especially insulting.
:''[Caption: Lego Headquarters, Denmark]''
:''[Zombies groaning]''
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' LEGO my baby, LEGO my honey, LEGO my ragtime gal...
:'''Son''': Daddy, are we safe?
:'''Gerry''': Of course we are, son. People are singing, aren't they? Ugh. That is the lowest form of music.
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' ...Honey, you'll lose me, then you'll be left alone...
:''[Zombies groaning loudly]''
:'''Gerry''': The terrible singing! They're attracted to the terrible singing! ''[the zombies start climbing over the walls. Gerry knocks out the quartet. Soldiers start shooting]'' Ohh! - Ow! Fire! Fire! They're too fast!-Ohh!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': ''[runs in with the syringe]'' Gerry, I've found a way to camouflage ourselves!
:'''Gerry''': That beats my solution. ''[acts out shooting zombies, and then acts out shooting himself]'' Pew pew! Pew pew! Pew!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': LEGOs are machined to a tolerance of 10 micrometers! That's why we're so expensive! But this serum will make us look cheaper and sloppier! ''[injects himself]'' Aah! ''[turns into a Playmobil figure]'' We look like them now!
:'''Gerry''': I'd rather die.
:'''Son''': ''[notices something]'' What?! They have Transformers?
:'''Gerry''': No, son! No!
:'''Son''': Aah! ''[Bumblebee rips him in half]''
:'''Gerry''': Nooooooo!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': You probably don't even want to go on living now.
:'''Gerry''': Huh? Oh, that was just a kid from my wife's first marriage. But that looked really painful. Hit me with the juice! ''[gets injected]'' Ugh! ''[the serum transforms him into...]'' No! You turned me into a ''[bleep]''ing DUPLO! It's the same company as LEGO, you fool! Aah! Aah! ''[Mrs. Lane and the Doctor run away whilst DUPLO Gerry gets his head ripped off]'' Guys, is this ending working? Let's re-shoot it.
:''[Zombies murmuring]''

===Catdog on a Stick [7.10]===
:'''Executive''': You sure you wanna do a movie, Tiger?
:'''Tiger''': I want to be beloved again, like before I had sex with all those waitresses from IHOP. Jordan did Space Jam. I want my Space Jam.
:'''Executive''': Well, studios aren't lining up to lend their characters to a Tiger Woods movie. Everyone aggressively passed except DiC, but I cannot recommend that.
:''[Cut to the title card for the Golf Jam movie]''
:'''Singers''': Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to Tiger on the golf course]''
:'''Tiger''': Time for a day of playing golf and being faithful to my girlfriend. ''[falls down a large hole]'' What? Whoooooooa!! ''[lands in DiC Land, surrounded by Heathcliff and other DiC characters]'' Ow!
:'''Heathcliff''': Welcome to DiC Land, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[getting up from his fall and waving hello]'' Why, hi, Garfield.
:'''Heathcliff''': I'm Heathcliff. I'm more romantic and have an accent. This is Cleo.
:'''Cleo''': We need your help, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to put my penis in you... ''[snaps back to attention, and looks at the camera]'' I mean, I love my girlfriend.
:'''Cleo''': We brought you here because the evil Dork Punks challenged us to a game of golf.
:'''Tiger''': ''[once again enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to hump your face... ''[flustered]'' I mean, help your face- ''[snaps out of it again]'' Help you, I will help you!
:''[The Dork Punks walk into the shot, as Tiger turns to look at them]''
:'''Dork Punk''': Let's tee off, DiC-heads!
:''[Tiger and Heathcliff look at each other and nod, and we cut to a golf-playing montage. Tiger (now wearing a cap with the DiC logo on it) hits a beautful shot as Heathcliff, Cleo, and a couple of other toons watch. LongArm uses his gauntlet to sink a putt, as Tiger chats up Princess Lana and receives a slap to the face from her. As Cleo prepares to sink her putt, Tiger walks up from behind and starts pretending to hump her. Ja-Kal prepares to take a shot as Armon looks on, but a piece of Armon's gauze is caught on Ja-Kal's club. As Ja-Kal swings, he and Armon both get tied up in Armon's gauze. Tiger is seen in one of the bunkers with Nefer-Tina sitting on top of him, as she unwraps the gauze from her upper body much to Tiger's delight. The montage ends as Tiger is getting ready to sink his final putt, with Cleo and Hammerman watching on]''
:'''Hammerman''': If you sink this putt, we win!
:'''Tiger''': Wish me luck, Bobby Brown.
:'''Hammerman''': Bobby Brown? I'm Hammerman! I'm M.C. Hammer, except not, and I have magic shoes. ''[shows off his magic dancing shoes]''
:'''Tiger''': ''[looks at Cleo]'' You know, I don't even know if I want to save you DiC's. You're just uninspired rehashes of good ideas. Seriously, how cheap is DiC? This is a movie, and you all look like you were drawn on a napkin.
:'''Cleo''': Win the game and I'll blow you.
:''[Upon hearing this, Tiger immediately sinks the putt and wins the game. As the DiC toons celebrate, Tiger unzips his pants and takes a terrified Cleo by the hand into the Pancake House for his well-earned blowjob]''
:'''Hammerman''': ''[rapping]'' Everybody tee off, get a club in your hands, charisma-free sex addict saving DiC Land! Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to black with the bold white text &quot;Golf Jam was rented once from Redbox. The copy was returned on time.&quot;]''

===Super Guitaro Center [7.11]===
:'''Shredder''': The &quot;Channel 6 News Masquerade Ball&quot; is the opportunity for me to kidnap April O'Neil. She's the perfect bait to catch the turtles. ''[surprised to see April's costume]'' Wow! Out of that bulky lesbian jumpsuit, she's hot as ''[bleep]''!
:'''April''': Care to dance, Mr. Potter?
:'''Shredder''': WHAT?! ''[cuts to Shredder dancing with April]'' And, what's your costume?
:'''April''': Belle from &quot;Beauty and The Beast&quot;, but a dick-slut.
:'''Shredder''': Is your favorite restaurant, Taco &quot;Belle&quot;?
:''[Both laugh]''
:'''April''': You are hilarious.
:'''Shredder''': On the count of 3, say your favorite band. 1, 2, 3!
:'''Shredder and April''': Toad the Wet Sprocket! ''[pause, they both kiss]''
:'''April''': ''[feels the blade, and gasped]'' Wait. Are you-
:'''Shredder''': In love? Yes. WHAT?! Bye! ''[leaves]''
:'''April''': ''[realizing]'' Shredder?
:''[Cut to Shredder with April outside her apartment after the party]''
:'''Shredder''': Think of something poetic, Oroku. ''[to April]'' But soft, you are total boner food!
:'''April''': Oh, Shredder. My heart doesn't take sides.
:'''Shredder''': People won't approve.
:'''April''': No one can keep us apart.
:''[They both kiss again. Then cuts to the sewer]''
:'''Raphael''': Aww, Hell to the No! ''[punches a brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''April''': We're soul mates! We both love Toad the Wet Sprocket.
:'''Michelangelo''': Toad the-What?! Is that a sex thing?! Have you guys had sex?!
:'''April''': No. Just dry humping, and ball play.
:'''Raphael''': Ball play?! ''[punches the same brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''Splinter''': You must stay away from Shredder, April. He is dangerous. Sleep here tonight. Donatello, grab the guest pillows.
:''[Donatello grabs pizza boxes which are the guest pillows, and puts them on the couch. Later while everyone's asleep, Shredder comes up from behind the couch to see April]''
:'''April''': ''[gasps]'' What are you doing here?
:'''Shredder''': I came to say &quot;Hi&quot;, ''[lays down next to her]'' and also have sex after the whole &quot;Hi&quot; thing.
:'''April''': It's like Six Flags Hurricane Harbor in my panties right now. ''[they both kiss again. Later, we see her and Shredder outside the manhole]'' Mmm, Mmm. You really Toadied my Wet Sprocket. When will I see you again?
:'''Shredder''': Soon, I hope. I should go before the turtles wake up. Plus, I have some major ExtenZe farts coming on. ''[farts]''
:''[Next morning while April was having her breakfast]''
:'''Donatello''': April, just go on one date with Casey. He's a good guy.
:'''April''': Casey is a jobless loser in sweats! ''[walks away]''
:'''Casey''': Good start to my morning.
:'''[Cut to April with the Rat King]''
:'''April''': So, I left. What should I do, Mr. Rat King? I belong with Shredder.
:'''Rat King''': I have an idea! And my idea involves you taking a lot of poison very quickly.
:'''April''': ''[pause, interested]'' Go on?
:''[Cut to April playing dead]''
:'''Shredder''': ''[shocked]'' It can't be! April?! NO!!!! WHY?!?! ''[accidentally hits April with his spikes]''
:'''April''': ''[wakes up in pain]'' Ow! Ow! Ow! What the ''[bleep]''?! Shredder!
:'''Shredder''': April! You're alive!
:'''April''': The poison only made me appear dead. Didn't you read &quot;Romeo and Juliet&quot;, you ''[bleep]''ing ass clown? ''[gags and dies]''
:'''Shredder''': NOOOOOOO!!!!!! ''[a few seconds of silence]'' Just gonna take my Toad the Wet Sprocket bootleg back. ''[takes his CD back, and leaves]''

===Noidstrom Rack [7.12]===
:'''Picard''': ''[dozing in the captain's chair on the bridge of the Enterprise]'' What's that Beverly? You want Wesley to watch? Hmm, make it so! ''[jerks awake]'' Oh, 2300 hours, time for the night crew to relieve us! ''[moves to leave the bridge, as Captain Jake enters]'' Captain.
:'''Captain Jake''': Capitan! ''[the Enterprise bridge crew file out, as their night crew replacements enter]'' Night crew, maintain course. ''[cut to the Enterprise moving through space]'' Space, the final frontier! These are the 11pm to 7am voyages of the Enterprise's night crew. Its continuing mission...is to PAR-TAY! ''[starts drinking from a beer can as the night crew cheer]''
:'''Night Crew''': Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! [A Borg cube appears on the view screen]
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Captain Jake, a Borg cube is hailing us.
:'''Captain Jake''': They probably want us to turn down our jams...Fat chance!
:'''Borg Drone''': Lower your shields, your culture will adapt to service us.
:'''Captain Jake''': You want us to service you?
:'''Borg Drone''': Affirmative. You will service the Borg, all night if needed! ''[Commander LaFreak sniggers. The Borg Drone looks unamused]'' Wait! Our hive mind has assimilated double entendres- real mature, guys! Prepare for assimilation! ''[the Borg cube begins to shoot at the Enterprise with its lasers]''
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Our shields won't last long, sir! Should we wake up the bald guy?
:'''Captain Jake''': ''[opens another can of beer]'' No way, Commander LaFreak! We'll beat the Borg like we beat that frat on Gallos 7!
:'''Commander LaFreak''': We'll sell naked photos of their girlfriends at a pie-eating contest?
:'''Captain Jake''': What?! No! Like any frat, the Borg share a hive mind, man. If we get one Borg to party, all Borg will party! Night crew, prepare to rock out with our Spocks out! ''[the night crew beam across to the Borg cube]'' Anybody order a partygram? ''[the night crew start playing music and drinking with the Borg drones in the cube. He pulls out a bottle of champagne to a female Borg drone]'' Wet t-shirt contest! ''[opens the champagne bottle on the female drone, who doesn't react even when he douses her chest]'' Oh right, no shirt...you want mine? ''[removes his Captain's jumper, just as the Borg drone he talked to advances on him]'' Whoa, chill out, dude! Wait, is she your daughter?
:'''Borg Drone''': Enough! Partying is futile! ''[jabs Captain Jake with its injection tubes, only to recoil. Captain Jake grins]'' Your blood, so full of beer! Your party, so hearty! ''[grabs a cup of beer from a Klingon night crew member and chugs it]'' Woo-hoooo! ''[the rest of the Borg join the drone and the night crew in partying]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Now this, I can assimilate! ''[he and the drone hug]''
:''[Cut to the Borg cube drawing a giant cock on a planet with its lasers. Cut to an awards ceremony on the bridge of the Enterprise]''
:'''Starfleet Admiral''': Captain Jake, Starfleet thanks you for defeating the Borg. ''[hangs a medal around Captain Jake's neck]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Bitchin'!
:'''Picard''': ''[fuming]'' NIGHT CREEEEEEWWWWW! ''[everyone looks round nervously, until he grins]'' Beer me! ''[the night crew cheer and Jake tosses Picard a can]'' You glorious sons of bitches!

===Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13]===
:''[The Disney Princess Castle is shown]''
:'''Snow White''': ''[from inside]'' Welcome to the Princess Summit, ''[cut to inside]'' where we address the complex political issues facing our kingdoms.
:'''Rapunzel''': Hairstyles.
:'''Cinderella''': Talking pets.
:'''Tiana''': Hairstyles for our talking pets.
:'''Ariel''': Crabs. ''[everyone looks at her in disgust]'' I've got crabs.
:'''Snow White''': Well, isn't that just, um...and where is our newest princess?
:'''Merida''': ''[enters, carrying a dead boar dripping with blood]'' Ach! Sorry I'm late. I killed a boar on the way here.
:'''Aurora''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, you're so feminist and empowered. Great.
:'''Merida''': ''[laying boar on the table and gutting it]'' 'Ey, wee beastie! Have we got to grievances yet? A bunch of wee dwarves are illegally mining me territory.
:'''Snow White''': Oh, Merida, you have far bigger problems. Let me tell you about them.
:'''Merida''': Not a damn song.
:'''Snow White''': ''[singing]'' Here's a list of things to drop;
:Your accent, bow, that tangled mop.
:Fifteen pounds from off your hips
:Those ginger afros 'neath your pits
:And no prince will want to mingle
:With a girl with no hit single.
:''[Cinderella, Aurora, and Ariel hold up gold records]''
:'''Cinderella''': ''[spoken]'' And your pet's hair is a disaster.
:'''Merida''': That's me mother! She's a bear! The trailer was very misleading! ''[holds the knife to Snow White's neck''] I came here looking for justice; instead, I found treachery. Prepare yourself for war. ''[Leaves]''
:'''Mulan''': ''[following Merida]'' Someone finally said it! See you on the killing field, round-eyes. ''[leaves]''
:'''Belle''': Amen, sister. ''[leaves]''
:'''Tiana''': Stuck-up bitches!
:''[Rapunzel follows. The remaining princesses look on. We transition to the next scene where Snow White is preparing her army for war against Merida's army]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, that Merida! I'll show her. ''[out the window]'' Send in my war counsel. ''[a cute Disney-esque bird flies up to the windowsill]'' What shall I do, little one?
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Core that bitch like an apple.
:'''Snow White''': Oh my.
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Weave a tapestry of their intestines.
:'''Snow White''': Okay, okay, I get it, I get it. We need weapons.
:'''Cinderella''': I've got a guy.
:''[The Fairy Godmother appears]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, good idea. We'll fight them with magic.
:'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[laying bag of assault weapons on table]'' Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo, that's twenty grand.
:'''Princesses''': Ooh, wow!
:'''Ariel''': Do you need thingamabobs? I've got thingamabobs.
:'''Jasmine''': Nobody cares about the dildo collection you dredged up from the Atlantic, you fishy bitch. ''[Ariel runs away crying]'' Anyone else have cold tits?
:''[We cut to Merida's training grounds]''
:'''Merida''': All right, ladies. Show me what you've got.
:'''Rapunzel''': ''[whips the practice dummy with her hair, dismembering it, then strangling it]'' I finally found the perfect conditioner— ''[pops the dummy's head off]'' blood!
:'''Louis''': ''[shooting arrows and missed the target]'' Oh, curse these stubby arms.
:'''Merida''': You're an alligator. Be an alligator!
:''[Louis turns to Mushu, who is standing beside him]''
:'''Mushu''': Oh, wait! Don't...!
:'''Louis''': ''[eats Mushu]'' Oh! I'm so sorry!
:'''Mulan''': No, no, it was...it was a good kill.
:''[Cut to Snow White's army, ready for their coming battle]''
:'''Snow White''': Not all of us will live to wish upon a star tonight, but we give our lives for a greater good.
:'''Aurora''': ''[yawning]'' Oh dear, I think I'm getting sleepy. I might have to sit this one out, guys.
:'''Snow White''': Don't you pull that shit now!
:'''Aurora''': Just teasing.
:''[An arrow fired by an off-screen Merida strikes Aurora in the throat, killing her instantly]''
:'''Merida''': ''[with her army at the top of a hill]'' Bring me the scalp and/or weave of Snow White! Charge!
:''[The armies charge at each other]''
:'''Jasmine''': I will show you a world of death!
:''[They meet in the middle, where Ariel, now a mermaid, has brought an atomic bomb]''
:'''Ariel''': Look, everyone! I brought my thingamabob! My weapons-grade thingamabob!
:'''Cinderella''': Oh, you just don't know what words are. That's your thing.
:''[The bomb starts beeping, indicating its imminent detonation]''
:'''Princesses''': ''[realizing]'' Ahh! Run away! Run away! ''[running away from the bomb]''
:'''Sebastian''': ''[pops up from behind the bomb, singing]'' Bend over and grab your ankles!
:''[The bomb explodes, completely obscuring the scene with smoke and ash, until it dissipates, revealing that the explosion has eradicated almost everything, leaving nothing but a barren wasteland]''
:'''Merida''': ''[wounded, trudges by]'' Me mother's a bear.
:''[Tinkerbell arrives, then shoots her in the head with a gun, winks, and leaves]''

===Walking Dead Lobster [7.14]===
:''[We start on a gradient aquamarine-blue background, where the Gullah Gullah Island logo rolls in]''
:'''Announcer''': And now, back to Gullah Gullah Island!
:''[We cut to Ron and Natalie's house, where everyone plays Leapfrog with. Two policemen, one blonde and the other with brown hair, arriving at the front door]''
:'''Ron''': ''[jumps over Shaina and Binyah-Binyah]'' This sure is fun, Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': Binyah-Binyah! Have fun, too!
:''[The policemen knock on the door]''
:'''Ron''': I'll get it. ''[opens the door to show the policemen]''
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Hello, sir. We've investigated a tip. A criminal might be in the area; he's robbed a bank and shot three policemen.
:'''Ron''': Oh, no! Well, there's nobody here but me, my wife, our three children, and our man-sized pet polliwog.
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Yeah-no, no, no, that's a man in a frog suit.
:'''Natalie''': ''[incredulous]'' What?! No, he's just a giant polliwog we rescued.
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Where did you find him?
:'''Vanessa''': Oh, behind an amphibious animal costume shop!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': I'm gonna need him out of that frog suit by the count of three. ''[pulls out a pistol]'' One...
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': ''[raises both arms in the air as the Alstons stare in shock]'' Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Two...
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': ''[scared, waving arms]'' Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Three!
:'''Frogman''': ''[screams and strips out of costume, making the Alstons cover their eyes from seeing his nude lesion-covered body]'' No! Don't shoot!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': ''[still points pistol with other officer]'' Down on the ground, Frogman!
:'''Natalie''': ''[disgusted]'' What's on his skin?!
:'''Frogman''': Sores, you dumbass! From wearing that polliwog costume for four months straight! ''[is handcuffed by the blonde policeman and pulled out of the house]'' Binyah-Binyah! Binyah-Binyah!
:''[The brown-haired policeman clubs Frogman on the back of his head to knock him out, ending the sketch''

===Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15]===
===Bitch Pudding Special [7.16]===
===Batman Forever 21 [7.17]===
===The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's [7.18]===
===Chipotle Miserables [7.19]===
===The Robot Chicken Lots of Holidays But Don't Worry Christmas is Still In There Too so Pull the Stick Out of Your Ass Fox News Special [7.20]===</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147862</id>
      <parentid>3147859</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T22:38:52Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="41283" xml:space="preserve">===G.I. Jogurt [7.01]===
:''[At the Emmy Awards, a G.I. Joe PSA of Roadblock talking to two children is shown on the big screen]''
:'''Roadblock''': I don't know why a 7-year-old would need to deep fry a turkey, but know you know how.
:'''Children''': And knowing is half the battle.
:''[The PSA ends with the &quot;G.I. Joe&quot; jingle]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Be a Turkey on Thanksgiving&quot;.
:''[The G.I. Joes clap, and Duke kisses Scarlett before he heads up with Roadblock to collect their award, while COBRA Commander and Destro watch on from the cheap seats]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': Look at them, Destro. The Joes churn out pedestrian advice to dead-eyed children, and the public eats it up! ''[mocking the Joes]'' &quot;Hey, kids, don't play with fallen electrical lines.&quot; ''[normal voice]'' Reads like a dispatch from the no-shit clinic.
:'''Destro''': I'll get the nerve gas.
:'''COBRA Commander''': No, you fool. We'll beat them at their own game. ''[clenching his fist]'' We'll create our own PSAs!
:''[Cut to COBRA Commander, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, and the Crimson Twins in the briefing room at COBRA Headquarters]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': OK, OK, let's just throw some ideas out there. This is a safe creative place. Dr. Mindbender, go.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Well, I thought our PSA could communicate an idea non-verbally. I've discovered that painting directly on celluloid creates a sort of &quot;tone poem&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Holy ''[bleep]'', that's sounds terrible. I'm sorry, safe place, but holy shit, that was fucking dumb. Next!
:'''Baroness''': ''[enters the room]'' Oh, I forgot you guys were in here writing. I was just looking for a hammer to hang my degree in screenwriting from Aberdeen. Anything I can do for you while I'm in here? ''[looks at him]'' Destro?
:'''Destro''': She's actually really funny, you guys.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Hey, you lost me at &quot;She's&quot;. ''[Bleep'' it! We're doing it without a script.
:''[Cut to the set of COBRA's PSAs, as Destro supervises, Storm Shadow is having his makeup done by one COBRA soldier, and two more soldiers move a camera. Dr. Mindbender enters the set with a group of children]''
:'''Destro''': Dr. Mindbender, you found four young children for our PSAs.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Uh, yes. ''[puts his arms around the children]'' That is what these kidnapped children are for.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[talking to Storm Shadow, who is reading his lines]'' OK, Storm Shadow, these two children will be running with scissors. Now, this upsets you, and you...
:'''Storm Shadow''': Why?
:'''COBRA Commander''': It's dangerous to run with scissors.
:'''Storm Shadow''': I run with Katana. Is that not dangerous?
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow, I hadn't thought of that. Excellent point, Storm Shadow. ''[whispers to Tomax]'' Get this piece of ''[bleep]'' off my set!
:''[One of the children runs past, giggling while running with scissors, but ends up getting killed by Storm Shadow]''
:'''Storm Shadow''': Well, COBRA Commander, it looks like I owe you an apology.
:''[First COBRA PSA: Serpentor telling children about using supplies only at the post office]''
:'''Serpentor''': So, remember, only take supplies if you'll use them for post office business. Any other use is a felony.
:'''Boy''': Now I'm aware.
:'''Serpentor''': ''[putting his arms around the children and smiling]'' And awareness is the second 50% of the conflict in question. ''[beat]'' Somebody say ''[bleep]''ing &quot;Cut&quot;!
:''[Second COBRA PSA: COBRA Commander tells children about the joys of reading]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': And I think you'll find it's not hard to read when you take the time to sssssssssound it out. ''[both children giggle]'' Oh, yesss, I've got a sssmall ssspeech impediment. ''[both children laugh; irritated]'' It'sss not funny! ''[removes his mask, as the children scream and run away, only for the Commander to shoot them dead]'' Shut. It. Down.
:''[At the next Emmy Awards...]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Star in a COBRA PSA&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[shaking his fist]'' What?!
:'''Destro''': ''[shouting over to the troops]'' Pump the nerve gas!

===Link's Sausages [7.02]===
:''[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are standing in the street]''
:'''Tommy Pickles''': ''[holding his Reptar doll]'' Well, after crossing the freeway, base jumping off a cliff, and dodging bullets in a gang war, we finally found my Reptar doll.
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enters the street, finding the babies]'' Tommy! What are you doing in the street?!
:''[Cut to the Pickles' house]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, thank God! They've been lost for hours! Where were they?
:'''Didi Pickles''': Stu, a word?  ''[they walk into the kitchen, their voices get muffled as they talk with the door shut]'' What the ''[bleep]'', Stu?!
:'''Stu Pickles''': Well, I'm sorry. The babies escaped, and I-
:'''Didi Pickles''': Escaped?! They're babies, you sackless moron!
:'''Stu Pickles''': I was downstairs, working on a new toy, and they just-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, a new toy! Never mind, then!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[tearing up]'' Didi, if you keep ridiculing my work, I-I swear to God-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enraged]'' What?! You'll hit me?! Ooh, you're such a man!
:''[Thudding and crashing are heard as Didi violently beats Stu offscreen]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': Didi, stop!
:'''Didi Pickles''': I'll be the man! See, Stu?! I'm the man!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[sobbing]'' I want a divorce!
:''[The babies look devastated as the screen cut to static]''

===Secret of the Booze [7.03]===
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf shaving his beard in his house]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': I don't usually get involved in day-to-day operations, so I'm smurfing undercover. They'll never smurf it's me. ''[chuckles; takes off his pants]'' Ohh, I haven't smurfed these things off in nearly 300 years! Talk about crotch rot!
:''[Title Card: Undercover Smurf Boss]''
:'''Farmer Smurf''': So, you're my new intern, huh?
:'''Papa Smurf''': That's right, Farmer Smurf. Teach me to care about your sad, little life...I mean your noble and fulfilling, uh, career choice.
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Well, Smurfs are a thirsty bunch, so we got to smurf them fresh milk every day!
:''[A giant caterpillar slithers in and turns onto its side, revealing its udders]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[being filmed]'' We've been drinking CATERPILLAR MILK?! ''[milks the giant caterpillar, his hands getting sore]'' Oh, this is agony. It feels like my hands are gonna smurf off!
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Yep, my carpal tunnel got so bad, they had to fuse my wrist bones in place!
:'''Papa Smurf''': But our healthcare is smurfy, right?
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Eh, my deductible is 2,000 smurfberries.
:'''Papa Smurf''': WHAT?! ''[cash register dings]''
:''[Title Card: 1 Smurfberry = 1.78 USD]''
:''[Scene cuts to the Smurf Hospital. Doctor Smurf packs his medical bag]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': Doctor Smurf, why are deductibles so high?
:'''Doctor Smurf''': Boy, you smurf a lot of uppity questions for an intern. Uh, just treat the next patient while I go for a Jamba Juice run in my gold-plated helicopter.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Actually, I'm not really qualified.
:''[Outside the window, Doctor Smurf takes off in his gold-plated helicopter. Door opens, Smurfette and Handy Smurf enter the room]''
:'''Smurfette''': We need Doctor Smurf! Handy had an accident!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Did someone get a sliver? ''[Handy shows his bleeding hand, missing all of his fingers]'' OH MY SMURFING GOD!!!
:'''Handy Smurf''': I sawed right through a load-bearing mushroom! Half our building materials are fungus! Oh, trade school didn't prepare me for this!
:'''Smurfette''': You can smurf his fingers, right, nurse?
:'''Papa Smurf''': I'll certainly try. ''[being filmed]'' I certainly tried.
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf sewing Handy's fingers while Handy lies dead on the table]''
:'''Smurfette''': ''[crying]'' You can probably stop sewing.
:'''Papa Smurf''': No, no, no. I-I'm gonna get this. ''[walks up to Grouchy Smurf]'' So, Grouchy Smurf, how's the coffee today?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate coffee!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh! Okay. But how do you like working here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate working here.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh, goodness. Okay. Well, is there anything that maybe Papa Smurf could do?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate Papa Smurf!
:'''Papa Smurf''': All right, what exactly do you do around here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I-I hate stuff?
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[puts on his red hat]'' I'm being deadly serious.
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I...I... ''[cuts to him, shoveling dog poop outside]'' I hate shoveling dog ''[bleep]''.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Well, now that's actually an appropriate reaction. Carry on, dog-''[bleep]'' Smurf! ''[leaves]''
:''[More dog poop falls from above, next to Grouchy]''

===Rebel Appliance [7.04]===
:'''Lion-O''': My fellow Thundercats! When danger is near, I shall hold the Sword of Omens aloft and yell out a battle cry
:'''Cheetara''': What shall our battle cry be, Lion-O?
:'''Lion-O''': &quot;Thunder, thunder, thunder, thundercats, I need you because evil is near, and we are friends, and we are a team. So we must come together and fight because the Eye of Thundera is in the sky, and it is summoning everyone together. So please come here Panthro and Tygra and Panthro and also Cheetara and also Wilykit and Wilicat and also Snarf. I think I said Panthro twice. I won't do that every time. Yes, we are the Thundercats. This is our battle cry. I love you guys. You are my best friends, and I am Lion-O and I am a Thundercat, and you guys are Thundercats too. Mumm Ra is not a Thundercat, he's bad and we're gonna win against him, because we are the Thundercats, and the Thundercats are here for you today because we are the Thundercats yeah, I'm Lion-O&quot;. I hope you write that down.
:'''Snarf''': I liked it. ''[Wilykat slaps him]'' OW!

===Legion of Super-Gyros [7.05]===
:''[With Grover and Oscar the Grouch]''
:'''Grover''': Oh boy, it sure is a great day here on Sesame Street!
:'''Oscar''': Yeah, especially since we're the last neighborhood in New York that hasn't been gentrified.
:'''Grover''': Until today, because our special guest is Hannah Horvath from the marginally popular but ignored in the flyover states HBO series, Girls!
:'''Hannah''': Hey, do you know where I could find a cocaine dealer/organic Vietnamese taco truck around here?
:'''Oscar''': ''[Bleep]'' me! ''[gets back inside his trash can]''
:'''Hannah''': ''[feels Grover]'' Ooh, you're so cute! ''[later that night]'' I really love how you don't play games, Grover.
:'''Grover''': Oh but I play lots of games, patty cake, and marco polo...Ugh!
:'''Hannah''': ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jacking off]'' Insult my parents! Oh yeah!
:'''Grover''': Woah! ''[scene cuts to him and Hannah learning about numbers with apples]'' Today, we are going to learn about the number 3, I have 3 apples!
:'''Hannah''': And I know 3 girls who were date raped at the same bar on 6th street.
:'''Grover''': That is sad. ''[Hannah eats the apple]'' Uh...you're eating my props.
:'''Hannah''': I'm proud of my body.
:'''Grover''': I know, I know.
:'''Hannah''': Ugh! Yeah! ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jerking off again]''
:'''Grover''': Oh, God!

===El Skeletorio [7.06]===
:'''Crypt Keeper''': Oh, hello! I was just enjoying the latest best &quot;heller&quot;! ''[laughs evilly, but then rips off book cover]'' This is actually Dan Brown's &quot;Inferno.&quot; It's a piece of shit. Our next tale is something of an &quot;alle-gory&quot;! You might say it's a &quot;meta-gore&quot;! Let's just roll it.
:''[Cuts to the outside of Bitch Pudding's house, where the title of the sketch appears. We cut to inside the hpuse, where Bitch Pudding is sleeping]''
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out. Get out of the house. Get out of the hou-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Why don't you get your tongue out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole so I can jam your mama's ''[bleep]'' up there, you ''[bleep]''-gargling pile of monkey spunk? Nothing to say now, huh?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': There's just a lot to unpack there.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Well, wake me up when you figure it out, ''[bleep]'' stick. ''[goes back to sleep]''
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding goes to her fridge when she sees the chairs and flower pot of her table are now completely deformed]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed, she flips them over and destroys them]'' BLAM! Where's your ''[bleep]''-ass art project now, ''[bleep]'' nut?
:'''Ghostly voice''': It wasn't supposed to be art, it was supposed to scare you! God! Forget it! I'm leaving! ''[cuts to Strawberry Shortcake's house, where she is sleeping]'' Strawberry Shortcake!
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': ''[wakes up]'' Huh? What?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out of the house!
:''[A red substance begins to ooze out of the walls, causing Strawberry Shortcake to scream in fear]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[breaks in through the window]'' Hey, ''[bleep]''ing clown, if you're ragging so bad, why don't you take your mama's tampon out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole and lick it clean before you shove it up your ''[bleep]''?!
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Hey, stop talking about my dad's ''[bleep]''hole! I'll-I'll leave town, okay? Oh, FYI, that isn't blood, that is strawberry jam, m'lady. The insulation is leaking. All I did was turn the painting upside down. Live with it.
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': Do you think he was right about the insulation? That could be berry expensive.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hmm, let's see. That depends on whether I give a ''[bleep]'', ''[bleep]'' tits! ''[make a fanfare noise]'' Bitch Pudding! BLAM! ''[jumps out the window]''
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': I should really move.

===Snarfer Image [7.07]===
:''[Ticking, cuts to Elmer Fudd in a field]''
:'''Elmer Fudd:'' ''[narrating]'' Time travel has not been invented yet, ''[cocks his gun]'' but in 30 years, it will be. ''[gunshot]'' In the future, TV networks don't awwow cartoons to have guns, so if they want to kill someone, they send them back here to me. My name is Elmer Fudd, and I'm a Wooper. ''[Title Card: Wooper]'' The only wule is never let your target escape, even if your target is you.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': ''[appears in the field]'' What are you waiting for? Shoot me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': What?!
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': In the future, they don't let me have a gun! That was my one dimension as a character! Know what I did yesterday? I slept for 15 hours and then beat it to a Weader's Digest! Help me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': I can't.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': Come on, give it to me. ''[crying]'' Pleeeease. ''[gunshot]''
:'''Yosemite Sam''': ''[appears in the field]'' I'll have what he's having. ''[gunshot]''
:''[Cuts to Porky Pig on the Looney Tunes circles. The words &quot;That's all, folks!&quot; appear in front]''
:'''Porky Pig''': Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-...That's all, folks! ''[gunshot]''

===Up, Up, and Buffet [7.08]===
:'''Fiona''': The spell has broken! This was my true form all along! I can't wait to marry you, Shrek!
:'''Shrek''': Marry you?
:'''Fiona''': Well, yeah! Since we look the same now, we'll live happily ever after!
:'''Shrek''': Fiona, every morning, I look at myself in the mirror, and I wish my mother had the courage to throw me in the river when I was born. Then I make my way to the putrid swamps, the only place on God's green Earth a monster like me feels at home. Sometimes, children gather to scream at me. &quot;Monster!  Animal!&quot;, they yell. Then someone screams, &quot;Kill yourself!&quot; and it takes a few seconds to realize the voice is coming from my own mouth! By then, I've made my way to the old hanging tree. Before I have time to think about it, I'm wrapping a vine around my own neck. It goes &quot;tot&quot; and I pray to the gods that this time, the vine will hold! But alas, everyday, I wake up in my own filth and I lie there and I cry. I cry because I'll live to see my face again! So nay, marrying a lass with a face as hideous as my own is not on my to-do list!
:'''Fiona''':''[with her mouth full]'' Have you tried these mini cheeseburgers? They're great! ''[sees Shrek hanging from a noose, and to Shrek's disappointment, the noose snaps]''

===Panthropologie [7.09]===
:''[Caption: LEGO City, 2014]''
:'''Wife''': Honey, look out! Cliche!
:'''Gerry''': Huh? ''[all screaming]'' What's happening?!
:'''Cop''': Kre-O! They're everywh- Aah! ''[gets torn apart by the Kre-O's]''
:'''Wife''': There's something wrong with them. They look like us but different!
:'''General''': ''[lands in the helicopter]'' This way! Hurry! Your life has more value than other people! ''[the Lanes get onto the helicopter]'' Gerry, we need your expertise!
:'''Gerry''': My expertise? I'm not a soldier!
:'''General''': Gerry, we need a lawyer.
:''[Title Card: WORLD WAR B (as in blocks)]''
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': Put simply, Gerry, we're being invaded by imitation blocks.
:'''Assistant''': Off-brand products with a taste for LEGO blood!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': They're nearly identical but different. Wrong. Like when you sit on your hand until it goes to sleep. You try to pretend Flo from the Progressive commercials is giving you an HJ, but you know it's not Flo. You know that! She'd never be so clumsy, so artless.
:'''General''': That's impossible! We're trademarked!
:'''Gerry''': No, general. LEGO bricks aren't protected by trademark. They're protected by patent.
:'''General''': Hell, man, what's the difference?
:'''Gerry''': The difference is...patents expire! Cool! Someone turned that legal document into a GIF. That's fun.
:'''General''': Isn't it &quot;jiff&quot;? Anyway, how do we stop it?
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': There's nothing we can do. ''[whispering]'' Don't worry, Flo. I'll protect you.
:'''Assistant''': Don't worry, girl from the Wendy's commercials.
:'''General''': Don't worry, GEICO gecko.
:''[Cut to the map]''
:'''Gerry''': ''[narrating]'' They covered the whole globe in no time: Mega Bloks, Kre-O, Best-Lock, CoCo, BanBao, Rokenbok, Super Blocks, and Leggo with two g's, which was especially insulting.
:''[Caption: Lego Headquarters, Denmark]''
:''[Zombies groaning]''
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' LEGO my baby, LEGO my honey, LEGO my ragtime gal...
:'''Son''': Daddy, are we safe?
:'''Gerry''': Of course we are, son. People are singing, aren't they? Ugh. That is the lowest form of music.
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' ...Honey, you'll lose me, then you'll be left alone...
:''[Zombies groaning loudly]''
:'''Gerry''': The terrible singing! They're attracted to the terrible singing! ''[the zombies start climbing over the walls. Gerry knocks out the quartet. Soldiers start shooting]'' Ohh! - Ow! Fire! Fire! They're too fast!-Ohh!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': ''[runs in with the syringe]'' Gerry, I've found a way to camouflage ourselves!
:'''Gerry''': That beats my solution. ''[acts out shooting zombies, and then acts out shooting himself]'' Pew pew! Pew pew! Pew!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': LEGOs are machined to a tolerance of 10 micrometers! That's why we're so expensive! But this serum will make us look cheaper and sloppier! ''[injects himself]'' Aah! ''[turns into a Playmobil figure]'' We look like them now!
:'''Gerry''': I'd rather die.
:'''Son''': ''[notices something]'' What?! They have Transformers?
:'''Gerry''': No, son! No!
:'''Son''': Aah! ''[Bumblebee rips him in half]''
:'''Gerry''': Nooooooo!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': You probably don't even want to go on living now.
:'''Gerry''': Huh? Oh, that was just a kid from my wife's first marriage. But that looked really painful. Hit me with the juice! ''[gets injected]'' Ugh! ''[the serum transforms him into...]'' No! You turned me into a ''[bleep]''ing DUPLO! It's the same company as LEGO, you fool! Aah! Aah! ''[Mrs. Lane and the Doctor run away whilst DUPLO Gerry gets his head ripped off]'' Guys, is this ending working? Let's re-shoot it.
:''[Zombies murmuring]''

===Catdog on a Stick [7.10]===
:'''Executive''': You sure you wanna do a movie, Tiger?
:'''Tiger''': I want to be beloved again, like before I had sex with all those waitresses from IHOP. Jordan did Space Jam. I want my Space Jam.
:'''Executive''': Well, studios aren't lining up to lend their characters to a Tiger Woods movie. Everyone aggressively passed except DiC, but I cannot recommend that.
:''[Cut to the title card for the Golf Jam movie]''
:'''Singers''': Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to Tiger on the golf course]''
:'''Tiger''': Time for a day of playing golf and being faithful to my girlfriend. ''[falls down a large hole]'' What? Whoooooooa!! ''[lands in DiC Land, surrounded by Heathcliff and other DiC characters]'' Ow!
:'''Heathcliff''': Welcome to DiC Land, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[getting up from his fall and waving hello]'' Why, hi, Garfield.
:'''Heathcliff''': I'm Heathcliff. I'm more romantic and have an accent. This is Cleo.
:'''Cleo''': We need your help, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to put my penis in you... ''[snaps back to attention, and looks at the camera]'' I mean, I love my girlfriend.
:'''Cleo''': We brought you here because the evil Dork Punks challenged us to a game of golf.
:'''Tiger''': ''[once again enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to hump your face... ''[flustered]'' I mean, help your face- ''[snaps out of it again]'' Help you, I will help you!
:''[The Dork Punks walk into the shot, as Tiger turns to look at them]''
:'''Dork Punk''': Let's tee off, DiC-heads!
:''[Tiger and Heathcliff look at each other and nod, and we cut to a golf-playing montage. Tiger (now wearing a cap with the DiC logo on it) hits a beautful shot as Heathcliff, Cleo, and a couple of other toons watch. LongArm uses his gauntlet to sink a putt, as Tiger chats up Princess Lana and receives a slap to the face from her. As Cleo prepares to sink her putt, Tiger walks up from behind and starts pretending to hump her. Ja-Kal prepares to take a shot as Armon looks on, but a piece of Armon's gauze is caught on Ja-Kal's club. As Ja-Kal swings, he and Armon both get tied up in Armon's gauze. Tiger is seen in one of the bunkers with Nefer-Tina sitting on top of him, as she unwraps the gauze from her upper body much to Tiger's delight. The montage ends as Tiger is getting ready to sink his final putt, with Cleo and Hammerman watching on]''
:'''Hammerman''': If you sink this putt, we win!
:'''Tiger''': Wish me luck, Bobby Brown.
:'''Hammerman''': Bobby Brown? I'm Hammerman! I'm M.C. Hammer, except not, and I have magic shoes. ''[shows off his magic dancing shoes]''
:'''Tiger''': ''[looks at Cleo]'' You know, I don't even know if I want to save you DiC's. You're just uninspired rehashes of good ideas. Seriously, how cheap is DiC? This is a movie, and you all look like you were drawn on a napkin.
:'''Cleo''': Win the game and I'll blow you.
:''[Upon hearing this, Tiger immediately sinks the putt and wins the game. As the DiC toons celebrate, Tiger unzips his pants and takes a terrified Cleo by the hand into the Pancake House for his well-earned blowjob]''
:'''Hammerman''': ''[rapping]'' Everybody tee off, get a club in your hands, charisma-free sex addict saving DiC Land! Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to black with the bold white text &quot;Golf Jam was rented once from Redbox. The copy was returned on time.&quot;]''

===Super Guitaro Center [7.11]===
:'''Shredder''': The &quot;Channel 6 News Masquerade Ball&quot; is the opportunity for me to kidnap April O'Neil. She's the perfect bait to catch the turtles. ''[surprised to see April's costume]'' Wow! Out of that bulky lesbian jumpsuit, she's hot as ''[bleep]''!
:'''April''': Care to dance, Mr. Potter?
:'''Shredder''': WHAT?! ''[cuts to Shredder dancing with April]'' And, what's your costume?
:'''April''': Belle from &quot;Beauty and The Beast&quot;, but a dick-slut.
:'''Shredder''': Is your favorite restaurant, Taco &quot;Belle&quot;?
:''[Both laugh]''
:'''April''': You are hilarious.
:'''Shredder''': On the count of 3, say your favorite band. 1, 2, 3!
:'''Shredder and April''': Toad the Wet Sprocket! ''[pause, they both kiss]''
:'''April''': ''[feels the blade, and gasped]'' Wait. Are you-
:'''Shredder''': In love? Yes. WHAT?! Bye! ''[leaves]''
:'''April''': ''[realizing]'' Shredder?
:''[Cut to Shredder with April outside her apartment after the party]''
:'''Shredder''': Think of something poetic, Oroku. ''[to April]'' But soft, you are total boner food!
:'''April''': Oh, Shredder. My heart doesn't take sides.
:'''Shredder''': People won't approve.
:'''April''': No one can keep us apart.
:''[They both kiss again. Then cuts to the sewer]''
:'''Raphael''': Aww, Hell to the No! ''[punches a brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''April''': We're soul mates! We both love Toad the Wet Sprocket.
:'''Michelangelo''': Toad the-What?! Is that a sex thing?! Have you guys had sex?!
:'''April''': No. Just dry humping, and ball play.
:'''Raphael''': Ball play?! ''[punches the same brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''Splinter''': You must stay away from Shredder, April. He is dangerous. Sleep here tonight. Donatello, grab the guest pillows.
:''[Donatello grabs pizza boxes which are the guest pillows, and puts them on the couch. Later while everyone's asleep, Shredder comes up from behind the couch to see April]''
:'''April''': ''[gasps]'' What are you doing here?
:'''Shredder''': I came to say &quot;Hi&quot;, ''[lays down next to her]'' and also have sex after the whole &quot;Hi&quot; thing.
:'''April''': It's like Six Flags Hurricane Harbor in my panties right now. ''[they both kiss again. Later, we see her and Shredder outside the manhole]'' Mmm, Mmm. You really Toadied my Wet Sprocket. When will I see you again?
:'''Shredder''': Soon, I hope. I should go before the turtles wake up. Plus, I have some major ExtenZe farts coming on. ''[farts]''
:''[Next morning while April was having her breakfast]''
:'''Donatello''': April, just go on one date with Casey. He's a good guy.
:'''April''': Casey is a jobless loser in sweats! ''[walks away]''
:'''Casey''': Good start to my morning.
:'''[Cut to April with the Rat King]''
:'''April''': So, I left. What should I do, Mr. Rat King? I belong with Shredder.
:'''Rat King''': I have an idea! And my idea involves you taking a lot of poison very quickly.
:'''April''': ''[pause, interested]'' Go on?
:''[Cut to April playing dead]''
:'''Shredder''': ''[shocked]'' It can't be! April?! NO!!!! WHY?!?! ''[accidentally hits April with his spikes]''
:'''April''': ''[wakes up in pain]'' Ow! Ow! Ow! What the ''[bleep]''?! Shredder!
:'''Shredder''': April! You're alive!
:'''April''': The poison only made me appear dead. Didn't you read &quot;Romeo and Juliet&quot;, you ''[bleep]''ing ass clown? ''[gags and dies]''
:'''Shredder''': NOOOOOOO!!!!!! ''[a few seconds of silence]'' Just gonna take my Toad the Wet Sprocket bootleg back. ''[takes his CD back, and leaves]''

===Noidstrom Rack [7.12]===
:'''Picard''': ''[dozing in the captain's chair on the bridge of the Enterprise]'' What's that Beverly? You want Wesley to watch? Hmm, make it so! ''[jerks awake]'' Oh, 2300 hours, time for the night crew to relieve us! ''[moves to leave the bridge, as Captain Jake enters]'' Captain.
:'''Captain Jake''': Capitan! ''[the Enterprise bridge crew file out, as their night crew replacements enter]'' Night crew, maintain course. ''[cut to the Enterprise moving through space]'' Space, the final frontier! These are the 11pm to 7am voyages of the Enterprise's night crew. Its continuing mission...is to PAR-TAY! ''[starts drinking from a beer can as the night crew cheer]''
:'''Night Crew''': Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! [A Borg cube appears on the view screen]
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Captain Jake, a Borg cube is hailing us.
:'''Captain Jake''': They probably want us to turn down our jams...Fat chance!
:'''Borg Drone''': Lower your shields, your culture will adapt to service us.
:'''Captain Jake''': You want us to service you?
:'''Borg Drone''': Affirmative. You will service the Borg, all night if needed! ''[Commander LaFreak sniggers. The Borg Drone looks unamused]'' Wait! Our hive mind has assimilated double entendres- real mature, guys! Prepare for assimilation! ''[the Borg cube begins to shoot at the Enterprise with its lasers]''
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Our shields won't last long, sir! Should we wake up the bald guy?
:'''Captain Jake''': ''[opens another can of beer]'' No way, Commander LaFreak! We'll beat the Borg like we beat that frat on Gallos 7!
:'''Commander LaFreak''': We'll sell naked photos of their girlfriends at a pie-eating contest?
:'''Captain Jake''': What?! No! Like any frat, the Borg share a hive mind, man. If we get one Borg to party, all Borg will party! Night crew, prepare to rock out with our Spocks out! ''[the night crew beam across to the Borg cube]'' Anybody order a partygram? ''[the night crew start playing music and drinking with the Borg drones in the cube. He pulls out a bottle of champagne to a female Borg drone]'' Wet t-shirt contest! ''[opens the champagne bottle on the female drone, who doesn't react even when he douses her chest]'' Oh right, no shirt...you want mine? ''[removes his Captain's jumper, just as the Borg drone he talked to advances on him]'' Whoa, chill out, dude! Wait, is she your daughter?
:'''Borg Drone''': Enough! Partying is futile! ''[jabs Captain Jake with its injection tubes, only to recoil. Captain Jake grins]'' Your blood, so full of beer! Your party, so hearty! ''[grabs a cup of beer from a Klingon night crew member and chugs it]'' Woo-hoooo! ''[the rest of the Borg join the drone and the night crew in partying]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Now this, I can assimilate! ''[he and the drone hug]''
:''[Cut to the Borg cube drawing a giant cock on a planet with its lasers. Cut to an awards ceremony on the bridge of the Enterprise]''
:'''Starfleet Admiral''': Captain Jake, Starfleet thanks you for defeating the Borg. ''[hangs a medal around Captain Jake's neck]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Bitchin'!
:'''Picard''': ''[fuming]'' NIGHT CREEEEEEWWWWW! ''[everyone looks round nervously, until he grins]'' Beer me! ''[the night crew cheer and Jake tosses Picard a can]'' You glorious sons of bitches!

===Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13]===
:''[The Disney Princess Castle is shown]''
:'''Snow White''': ''[from inside]'' Welcome to the Princess Summit, ''[cut to inside]'' where we address the complex political issues facing our kingdoms.
:'''Rapunzel''': Hairstyles.
:'''Cinderella''': Talking pets.
:'''Tiana''': Hairstyles for our talking pets.
:'''Ariel''': Crabs. ''[everyone looks at her in disgust]'' I've got crabs.
:'''Snow White''': Well, isn't that just, um...and where is our newest princess?
:'''Merida''': ''[enters, carrying a dead boar dripping with blood]'' Ach! Sorry I'm late. I killed a boar on the way here.
:'''Aurora''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, you're so feminist and empowered. Great.
:'''Merida''': ''[laying boar on the table and gutting it]'' 'Ey, wee beastie! Have we got to grievances yet? A bunch of wee dwarves are illegally mining me territory.
:'''Snow White''': Oh, Merida, you have far bigger problems. Let me tell you about them.
:'''Merida''': Not a damn song.
:'''Snow White''': ''[singing]'' Here's a list of things to drop;
:Your accent, bow, that tangled mop.
:Fifteen pounds from off your hips
:Those ginger afros 'neath your pits
:And no prince will want to mingle
:With a girl with no hit single.
:''[Cinderella, Aurora, and Ariel hold up gold records]''
:'''Cinderella''': ''[spoken]'' And your pet's hair is a disaster.
:'''Merida''': That's me mother! She's a bear! The trailer was very misleading! ''[holds the knife to Snow White's neck''] I came here looking for justice; instead, I found treachery. Prepare yourself for war. ''[Leaves]''
:'''Mulan''': ''[following Merida]'' Someone finally said it! See you on the killing field, round-eyes. ''[leaves]''
:'''Belle''': Amen, sister. ''[leaves]''
:'''Tiana''': Stuck-up bitches!
:''[Rapunzel follows. The remaining princesses look on. We transition to the next scene where Snow White is preparing her army for war against Merida's army]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, that Merida! I'll show her. ''[out the window]'' Send in my war counsel. ''[a cute Disney-esque bird flies up to the windowsill]'' What shall I do, little one?
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Core that bitch like an apple.
:'''Snow White''': Oh my.
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Weave a tapestry of their intestines.
:'''Snow White''': Okay, okay, I get it, I get it. We need weapons.
:'''Cinderella''': I've got a guy.
:''[The Fairy Godmother appears]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, good idea. We'll fight them with magic.
:'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[laying bag of assault weapons on table]'' Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo, that's twenty grand.
:'''Princesses''': Ooh, wow!
:'''Ariel''': Do you need thingamabobs? I've got thingamabobs.
:'''Jasmine''': Nobody cares about the dildo collection you dredged up from the Atlantic, you fishy bitch. ''[Ariel runs away crying]'' Anyone else have cold tits?
:''[We cut to Merida's training grounds]''
:'''Merida''': All right, ladies. Show me what you've got.
:'''Rapunzel''': ''[whips the practice dummy with her hair, dismembering it, then strangling it]'' I finally found the perfect conditioner— ''[pops the dummy's head off]'' blood!
:'''Louis''': ''[shooting arrows and missed the target]'' Oh, curse these stubby arms.
:'''Merida''': You're an alligator. Be an alligator!
:''[Louis turns to Mushu, who is standing beside him]''
:'''Mushu''': Oh, wait! Don't...!
:'''Louis''': ''[eats Mushu]'' Oh! I'm so sorry!
:'''Mulan''': No, no, it was...it was a good kill.
:''[Cut to Snow White's army, ready for their coming battle]''
:'''Snow White''': Not all of us will live to wish upon a star tonight, but we give our lives for a greater good.
:'''Aurora''': ''[yawning]'' Oh dear, I think I'm getting sleepy. I might have to sit this one out, guys.
:'''Snow White''': Don't you pull that shit now!
:'''Aurora''': Just teasing.
:''[An arrow fired by an off-screen Merida strikes Aurora in the throat, killing her instantly]''
:'''Merida''': ''[with her army at the top of a hill]'' Bring me the scalp and/or weave of Snow White! Charge!
:''[The armies charge at each other]''
:'''Jasmine''': I will show you a world of death!
:''[They meet in the middle, where Ariel, now a mermaid, has brought an atomic bomb]''
:'''Ariel''': Look, everyone! I brought my thingamabob! My weapons-grade thingamabob!
:'''Cinderella''': Oh, you just don't know what words are. That's your thing.
:''[The bomb starts beeping, indicating its imminent detonation]''
:'''Princesses''': ''[realizing]'' Ahh! Run away! Run away! ''[running away from the bomb]''
:'''Sebastian''': ''[pops up from behind the bomb, singing]'' Bend over and grab your ankles!
:''[The bomb explodes, completely obscuring the scene with smoke and ash, until it dissipates, revealing that the explosion has eradicated almost everything, leaving nothing but a barren wasteland]''
:'''Merida''': ''[wounded, trudges by]'' Me mother's a bear.
:''[Tinkerbell arrives, then shoots her in the head with a gun, winks, and leaves]''

===Walking Dead Lobster [7.14]===
:''[We start on a gradient aquamarine-blue background, where the Gullah Gullah Island logo rolls in]''
:'''Announcer''': And now, back to Gullah Gullah Island!
:''[We cut to Ron and Natalie's house, where everyone plays Leapfrog with. Two policemen, one blonde and the other with brown hair, arriving at the front door]''
:'''Ron''': ''[jumps over Shaina and Binyah-Binyah]'' This sure is fun, Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': Binyah-Binyah! Have fun, too!
:''[The policemen knock on the door]''
:'''Ron''': I'll get it. ''[opens the door to show the policemen]''
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Hello, sir. We've investigated a tip. A criminal might be in the area; he's robbed a bank and shot three policemen.
:'''Ron''': Oh, no! Well, there's nobody here but me, my wife, our three children, and our man-sized pet polliwog.
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Yeah-no, no, no, that's a man in a frog suit.
:'''Natalie''': ''[incredulous]'' What?! No, he's just a giant polliwog we rescued.
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Where did you find him?
:'''Vanessa''': Oh, behind an amphibious animal costume shop!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': I'm gonna need him out of that frog suit by the count of three. ''[pulls out a pistol]'' One...
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': ''[raises both arms in the air as the Alstons stare in shock]'' Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Two...
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': ''[scared, waving arms]'' Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Three!
:'''Frogman''': ''[screams and strips out of costume, making the Alstons cover their eyes from seeing his nude lesion-covered body]'' No! Don't shoot!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': ''[still points pistol with other officer]'' Down on the ground, Frogman!
:'''Natalie''': ''[disgusted]'' What's on his skin?!
:'''Frogman''': Sores, you dumbass! From wearing that polliwog costume for four months straight! ''[is handcuffed by the blonde policeman and pulled out of the house]'' Binyah-Binyah! Binyah-Binyah!
:''[The brown-haired policeman clubs Frogman on the back of his head to knock him out, ending the sketch''

===Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15]===
:'''Peter Pan''': Fly with me, to Neverland! ''[flies out of the window with the Darling children]''
:'''Mary Darling''': ''[arrives with her husband too late]'' Children, no!
:''[Scene cuts to Neverland]''
:'''Peter Pan''': These are the Lost Boys. They're not vampires. ''[phone rings from inside a tree; curiously]'' We have a phone? ''[picks up the receiver]'' Hello?
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[on the phone]'' I don't know who you are. ''[cut to him with George and Mary]'' I don't know what you want. I don't know why you dress like...
:'''Mary Darling''': A gay Robin Hood.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Like a gay Robin Hood. I have a very particular set of skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. By which I guess I mean, flying gay Robin Hoods.
:''[Cut to Peter]''
:'''Peter Pan''': Good luck finding Neverland, grandpa. ''[hangs up and leaves]''
:'''George Darling''': Oh, what's he saying?
:'''Bryan Mills''': He's saying, &quot;Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...&quot;
:'''Mary Darling''': That's the dial tone.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Dial tone? ''[hangs up]'' Well, this is a very old phone. ''[to George and Mary]'' He's holding your children in what I presume is an underground sex club called Neverland.
:'''George Darling''': Oh thank goodness, you do security work for bankers like myself, Mr. Mills, but how will you reach the children? They were flying!
:'''Mary Darling''': I think I heard them say something about thinking happy thoughts.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Happy thoughts, eh? ''[imagining himself in the thought bubble, grabbing Peter Pan and throwing him on a step]''
:'''Peter Pan''': No! No! Please!
:''[Bryan crushes Peter's head destroying his face, the thought bubble vanishes]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': Whoo hoo, off I go! ''[flies through the roof]''
:''[Scene cuts to Neverland, Bryan kills the Lost Boys, except Slightly, who turns around and sees the other Lost Boys dead covered in blood]''
:'''Slightly''': ''[farts]'' I just pooped in my tail!
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[holding Slightly at knifepoint]'' Where are the children?!
:''[Slightly farts again before we cut to Wendy and the mermaids]''
:'''Wendy''': I've never meet real live mermaids before.
:'''Mermaid: ''[laughs]'' That's so fun! Lets drown this bitch! ''[grabs Wendy by her arms]''
:'''Wendy''': No, please, no! ''[opens her eyes to see the mermaids dead]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[wearing the seashell bra]'' Wendy, where are your brothers?
:'''Wendy''': There! On the pirate ship!
:''[Cut to the Pirate ship where John and Michael are cornered by Captain Hook]''
:'''Captain Hook''': Time for these little chickadees to walk the plank! ''[laughs]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[near the dead pirates]'' Tick-tock, time's up! ''[kicks Captain Hook, who falls while screaming into the crocodile's mouth]'' I'm taking you home, children.
:'''Peter Pan''': ''[arrives with Tinkerbell]'' Not so fast, you old codfish! ''[Tinkerbell flies up to Bryan taunting him, Bryan uses his shoe to squash her]'' Tink! Oh, good luck getting home without her fairy dust, asshole!
:'''Bryan Mills''': Why would I want to leave when my happy thoughts are about to come true?
:'''Peter Pan''': Your what? ''[Bryan grabs him and throws him to a step]'' Oh! No! NO! ''[Bryan crashes his head with his foot before his shadow comes out]''
:'''Wendy''': Okay, but seriously man, how the ''[bleep]'' are we getting home?!
:'''Bryan Mills''': Hang on. ''[grabs Peter's shadow and throws it on the same step]''
:'''Peter's shadow''': No, no, wait! ''[screams as Bryan crushes its head in black blood with his foot]''

===Bitch Pudding Special [7.16]===
===Batman Forever 21 [7.17]===
===The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's [7.18]===
===Chipotle Miserables [7.19]===
===The Robot Chicken Lots of Holidays But Don't Worry Christmas is Still In There Too so Pull the Stick Out of Your Ass Fox News Special [7.20]===</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3147863</id>
      <parentid>3147862</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T22:39:08Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="41286" xml:space="preserve">===G.I. Jogurt [7.01]===
:''[At the Emmy Awards, a G.I. Joe PSA of Roadblock talking to two children is shown on the big screen]''
:'''Roadblock''': I don't know why a 7-year-old would need to deep fry a turkey, but know you know how.
:'''Children''': And knowing is half the battle.
:''[The PSA ends with the &quot;G.I. Joe&quot; jingle]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Be a Turkey on Thanksgiving&quot;.
:''[The G.I. Joes clap, and Duke kisses Scarlett before he heads up with Roadblock to collect their award, while COBRA Commander and Destro watch on from the cheap seats]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': Look at them, Destro. The Joes churn out pedestrian advice to dead-eyed children, and the public eats it up! ''[mocking the Joes]'' &quot;Hey, kids, don't play with fallen electrical lines.&quot; ''[normal voice]'' Reads like a dispatch from the no-shit clinic.
:'''Destro''': I'll get the nerve gas.
:'''COBRA Commander''': No, you fool. We'll beat them at their own game. ''[clenching his fist]'' We'll create our own PSAs!
:''[Cut to COBRA Commander, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, and the Crimson Twins in the briefing room at COBRA Headquarters]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': OK, OK, let's just throw some ideas out there. This is a safe creative place. Dr. Mindbender, go.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Well, I thought our PSA could communicate an idea non-verbally. I've discovered that painting directly on celluloid creates a sort of &quot;tone poem&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Holy ''[bleep]'', that's sounds terrible. I'm sorry, safe place, but holy shit, that was fucking dumb. Next!
:'''Baroness''': ''[enters the room]'' Oh, I forgot you guys were in here writing. I was just looking for a hammer to hang my degree in screenwriting from Aberdeen. Anything I can do for you while I'm in here? ''[looks at him]'' Destro?
:'''Destro''': She's actually really funny, you guys.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Hey, you lost me at &quot;She's&quot;. ''[Bleep'' it! We're doing it without a script.
:''[Cut to the set of COBRA's PSAs, as Destro supervises, Storm Shadow is having his makeup done by one COBRA soldier, and two more soldiers move a camera. Dr. Mindbender enters the set with a group of children]''
:'''Destro''': Dr. Mindbender, you found four young children for our PSAs.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Uh, yes. ''[puts his arms around the children]'' That is what these kidnapped children are for.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[talking to Storm Shadow, who is reading his lines]'' OK, Storm Shadow, these two children will be running with scissors. Now, this upsets you, and you...
:'''Storm Shadow''': Why?
:'''COBRA Commander''': It's dangerous to run with scissors.
:'''Storm Shadow''': I run with Katana. Is that not dangerous?
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow, I hadn't thought of that. Excellent point, Storm Shadow. ''[whispers to Tomax]'' Get this piece of ''[bleep]'' off my set!
:''[One of the children runs past, giggling while running with scissors, but ends up getting killed by Storm Shadow]''
:'''Storm Shadow''': Well, COBRA Commander, it looks like I owe you an apology.
:''[First COBRA PSA: Serpentor telling children about using supplies only at the post office]''
:'''Serpentor''': So, remember, only take supplies if you'll use them for post office business. Any other use is a felony.
:'''Boy''': Now I'm aware.
:'''Serpentor''': ''[putting his arms around the children and smiling]'' And awareness is the second 50% of the conflict in question. ''[beat]'' Somebody say ''[bleep]''ing &quot;Cut&quot;!
:''[Second COBRA PSA: COBRA Commander tells children about the joys of reading]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': And I think you'll find it's not hard to read when you take the time to sssssssssound it out. ''[both children giggle]'' Oh, yesss, I've got a sssmall ssspeech impediment. ''[both children laugh; irritated]'' It'sss not funny! ''[removes his mask, as the children scream and run away, only for the Commander to shoot them dead]'' Shut. It. Down.
:''[At the next Emmy Awards...]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Star in a COBRA PSA&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[shaking his fist]'' What?!
:'''Destro''': ''[shouting over to the troops]'' Pump the nerve gas!

===Link's Sausages [7.02]===
:''[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are standing in the street]''
:'''Tommy Pickles''': ''[holding his Reptar doll]'' Well, after crossing the freeway, base jumping off a cliff, and dodging bullets in a gang war, we finally found my Reptar doll.
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enters the street, finding the babies]'' Tommy! What are you doing in the street?!
:''[Cut to the Pickles' house]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, thank God! They've been lost for hours! Where were they?
:'''Didi Pickles''': Stu, a word?  ''[they walk into the kitchen, their voices get muffled as they talk with the door shut]'' What the ''[bleep]'', Stu?!
:'''Stu Pickles''': Well, I'm sorry. The babies escaped, and I-
:'''Didi Pickles''': Escaped?! They're babies, you sackless moron!
:'''Stu Pickles''': I was downstairs, working on a new toy, and they just-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, a new toy! Never mind, then!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[tearing up]'' Didi, if you keep ridiculing my work, I-I swear to God-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enraged]'' What?! You'll hit me?! Ooh, you're such a man!
:''[Thudding and crashing are heard as Didi violently beats Stu offscreen]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': Didi, stop!
:'''Didi Pickles''': I'll be the man! See, Stu?! I'm the man!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[sobbing]'' I want a divorce!
:''[The babies look devastated as the screen cut to static]''

===Secret of the Booze [7.03]===
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf shaving his beard in his house]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': I don't usually get involved in day-to-day operations, so I'm smurfing undercover. They'll never smurf it's me. ''[chuckles; takes off his pants]'' Ohh, I haven't smurfed these things off in nearly 300 years! Talk about crotch rot!
:''[Title Card: Undercover Smurf Boss]''
:'''Farmer Smurf''': So, you're my new intern, huh?
:'''Papa Smurf''': That's right, Farmer Smurf. Teach me to care about your sad, little life...I mean your noble and fulfilling, uh, career choice.
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Well, Smurfs are a thirsty bunch, so we got to smurf them fresh milk every day!
:''[A giant caterpillar slithers in and turns onto its side, revealing its udders]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[being filmed]'' We've been drinking CATERPILLAR MILK?! ''[milks the giant caterpillar, his hands getting sore]'' Oh, this is agony. It feels like my hands are gonna smurf off!
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Yep, my carpal tunnel got so bad, they had to fuse my wrist bones in place!
:'''Papa Smurf''': But our healthcare is smurfy, right?
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Eh, my deductible is 2,000 smurfberries.
:'''Papa Smurf''': WHAT?! ''[cash register dings]''
:''[Title Card: 1 Smurfberry = 1.78 USD]''
:''[Scene cuts to the Smurf Hospital. Doctor Smurf packs his medical bag]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': Doctor Smurf, why are deductibles so high?
:'''Doctor Smurf''': Boy, you smurf a lot of uppity questions for an intern. Uh, just treat the next patient while I go for a Jamba Juice run in my gold-plated helicopter.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Actually, I'm not really qualified.
:''[Outside the window, Doctor Smurf takes off in his gold-plated helicopter. Door opens, Smurfette and Handy Smurf enter the room]''
:'''Smurfette''': We need Doctor Smurf! Handy had an accident!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Did someone get a sliver? ''[Handy shows his bleeding hand, missing all of his fingers]'' OH MY SMURFING GOD!!!
:'''Handy Smurf''': I sawed right through a load-bearing mushroom! Half our building materials are fungus! Oh, trade school didn't prepare me for this!
:'''Smurfette''': You can smurf his fingers, right, nurse?
:'''Papa Smurf''': I'll certainly try. ''[being filmed]'' I certainly tried.
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf sewing Handy's fingers while Handy lies dead on the table]''
:'''Smurfette''': ''[crying]'' You can probably stop sewing.
:'''Papa Smurf''': No, no, no. I-I'm gonna get this. ''[walks up to Grouchy Smurf]'' So, Grouchy Smurf, how's the coffee today?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate coffee!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh! Okay. But how do you like working here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate working here.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh, goodness. Okay. Well, is there anything that maybe Papa Smurf could do?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate Papa Smurf!
:'''Papa Smurf''': All right, what exactly do you do around here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I-I hate stuff?
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[puts on his red hat]'' I'm being deadly serious.
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I...I... ''[cuts to him, shoveling dog poop outside]'' I hate shoveling dog ''[bleep]''.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Well, now that's actually an appropriate reaction. Carry on, dog-''[bleep]'' Smurf! ''[leaves]''
:''[More dog poop falls from above, next to Grouchy]''

===Rebel Appliance [7.04]===
:'''Lion-O''': My fellow Thundercats! When danger is near, I shall hold the Sword of Omens aloft and yell out a battle cry
:'''Cheetara''': What shall our battle cry be, Lion-O?
:'''Lion-O''': &quot;Thunder, thunder, thunder, thundercats, I need you because evil is near, and we are friends, and we are a team. So we must come together and fight because the Eye of Thundera is in the sky, and it is summoning everyone together. So please come here Panthro and Tygra and Panthro and also Cheetara and also Wilykit and Wilicat and also Snarf. I think I said Panthro twice. I won't do that every time. Yes, we are the Thundercats. This is our battle cry. I love you guys. You are my best friends, and I am Lion-O and I am a Thundercat, and you guys are Thundercats too. Mumm Ra is not a Thundercat, he's bad and we're gonna win against him, because we are the Thundercats, and the Thundercats are here for you today because we are the Thundercats yeah, I'm Lion-O&quot;. I hope you write that down.
:'''Snarf''': I liked it. ''[Wilykat slaps him]'' OW!

===Legion of Super-Gyros [7.05]===
:''[With Grover and Oscar the Grouch]''
:'''Grover''': Oh boy, it sure is a great day here on Sesame Street!
:'''Oscar''': Yeah, especially since we're the last neighborhood in New York that hasn't been gentrified.
:'''Grover''': Until today, because our special guest is Hannah Horvath from the marginally popular but ignored in the flyover states HBO series, Girls!
:'''Hannah''': Hey, do you know where I could find a cocaine dealer/organic Vietnamese taco truck around here?
:'''Oscar''': ''[Bleep]'' me! ''[gets back inside his trash can]''
:'''Hannah''': ''[feels Grover]'' Ooh, you're so cute! ''[later that night]'' I really love how you don't play games, Grover.
:'''Grover''': Oh but I play lots of games, patty cake, and marco polo...Ugh!
:'''Hannah''': ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jacking off]'' Insult my parents! Oh yeah!
:'''Grover''': Woah! ''[scene cuts to him and Hannah learning about numbers with apples]'' Today, we are going to learn about the number 3, I have 3 apples!
:'''Hannah''': And I know 3 girls who were date raped at the same bar on 6th street.
:'''Grover''': That is sad. ''[Hannah eats the apple]'' Uh...you're eating my props.
:'''Hannah''': I'm proud of my body.
:'''Grover''': I know, I know.
:'''Hannah''': Ugh! Yeah! ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jerking off again]''
:'''Grover''': Oh, God!

===El Skeletorio [7.06]===
:'''Crypt Keeper''': Oh, hello! I was just enjoying the latest best &quot;heller&quot;! ''[laughs evilly, but then rips off book cover]'' This is actually Dan Brown's &quot;Inferno.&quot; It's a piece of shit. Our next tale is something of an &quot;alle-gory&quot;! You might say it's a &quot;meta-gore&quot;! Let's just roll it.
:''[Cuts to the outside of Bitch Pudding's house, where the title of the sketch appears. We cut to inside the hpuse, where Bitch Pudding is sleeping]''
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out. Get out of the house. Get out of the hou-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Why don't you get your tongue out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole so I can jam your mama's ''[bleep]'' up there, you ''[bleep]''-gargling pile of monkey spunk? Nothing to say now, huh?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': There's just a lot to unpack there.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Well, wake me up when you figure it out, ''[bleep]'' stick. ''[goes back to sleep]''
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding goes to her fridge when she sees the chairs and flower pot of her table are now completely deformed]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed, she flips them over and destroys them]'' BLAM! Where's your ''[bleep]''-ass art project now, ''[bleep]'' nut?
:'''Ghostly voice''': It wasn't supposed to be art, it was supposed to scare you! God! Forget it! I'm leaving! ''[cuts to Strawberry Shortcake's house, where she is sleeping]'' Strawberry Shortcake!
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': ''[wakes up]'' Huh? What?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out of the house!
:''[A red substance begins to ooze out of the walls, causing Strawberry Shortcake to scream in fear]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[breaks in through the window]'' Hey, ''[bleep]''ing clown, if you're ragging so bad, why don't you take your mama's tampon out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole and lick it clean before you shove it up your ''[bleep]''?!
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Hey, stop talking about my dad's ''[bleep]''hole! I'll-I'll leave town, okay? Oh, FYI, that isn't blood, that is strawberry jam, m'lady. The insulation is leaking. All I did was turn the painting upside down. Live with it.
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': Do you think he was right about the insulation? That could be berry expensive.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hmm, let's see. That depends on whether I give a ''[bleep]'', ''[bleep]'' tits! ''[make a fanfare noise]'' Bitch Pudding! BLAM! ''[jumps out the window]''
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': I should really move.

===Snarfer Image [7.07]===
:''[Ticking, cuts to Elmer Fudd in a field]''
:'''Elmer Fudd:'' ''[narrating]'' Time travel has not been invented yet, ''[cocks his gun]'' but in 30 years, it will be. ''[gunshot]'' In the future, TV networks don't awwow cartoons to have guns, so if they want to kill someone, they send them back here to me. My name is Elmer Fudd, and I'm a Wooper. ''[Title Card: Wooper]'' The only wule is never let your target escape, even if your target is you.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': ''[appears in the field]'' What are you waiting for? Shoot me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': What?!
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': In the future, they don't let me have a gun! That was my one dimension as a character! Know what I did yesterday? I slept for 15 hours and then beat it to a Weader's Digest! Help me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': I can't.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': Come on, give it to me. ''[crying]'' Pleeeease. ''[gunshot]''
:'''Yosemite Sam''': ''[appears in the field]'' I'll have what he's having. ''[gunshot]''
:''[Cuts to Porky Pig on the Looney Tunes circles. The words &quot;That's all, folks!&quot; appear in front]''
:'''Porky Pig''': Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-...That's all, folks! ''[gunshot]''

===Up, Up, and Buffet [7.08]===
:'''Fiona''': The spell has broken! This was my true form all along! I can't wait to marry you, Shrek!
:'''Shrek''': Marry you?
:'''Fiona''': Well, yeah! Since we look the same now, we'll live happily ever after!
:'''Shrek''': Fiona, every morning, I look at myself in the mirror, and I wish my mother had the courage to throw me in the river when I was born. Then I make my way to the putrid swamps, the only place on God's green Earth a monster like me feels at home. Sometimes, children gather to scream at me. &quot;Monster!  Animal!&quot;, they yell. Then someone screams, &quot;Kill yourself!&quot; and it takes a few seconds to realize the voice is coming from my own mouth! By then, I've made my way to the old hanging tree. Before I have time to think about it, I'm wrapping a vine around my own neck. It goes &quot;tot&quot; and I pray to the gods that this time, the vine will hold! But alas, everyday, I wake up in my own filth and I lie there and I cry. I cry because I'll live to see my face again! So nay, marrying a lass with a face as hideous as my own is not on my to-do list!
:'''Fiona''':''[with her mouth full]'' Have you tried these mini cheeseburgers? They're great! ''[sees Shrek hanging from a noose, and to Shrek's disappointment, the noose snaps]''

===Panthropologie [7.09]===
:''[Caption: LEGO City, 2014]''
:'''Wife''': Honey, look out! Cliche!
:'''Gerry''': Huh? ''[all screaming]'' What's happening?!
:'''Cop''': Kre-O! They're everywh- Aah! ''[gets torn apart by the Kre-O's]''
:'''Wife''': There's something wrong with them. They look like us but different!
:'''General''': ''[lands in the helicopter]'' This way! Hurry! Your life has more value than other people! ''[the Lanes get onto the helicopter]'' Gerry, we need your expertise!
:'''Gerry''': My expertise? I'm not a soldier!
:'''General''': Gerry, we need a lawyer.
:''[Title Card: WORLD WAR B (as in blocks)]''
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': Put simply, Gerry, we're being invaded by imitation blocks.
:'''Assistant''': Off-brand products with a taste for LEGO blood!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': They're nearly identical but different. Wrong. Like when you sit on your hand until it goes to sleep. You try to pretend Flo from the Progressive commercials is giving you an HJ, but you know it's not Flo. You know that! She'd never be so clumsy, so artless.
:'''General''': That's impossible! We're trademarked!
:'''Gerry''': No, general. LEGO bricks aren't protected by trademark. They're protected by patent.
:'''General''': Hell, man, what's the difference?
:'''Gerry''': The difference is...patents expire! Cool! Someone turned that legal document into a GIF. That's fun.
:'''General''': Isn't it &quot;jiff&quot;? Anyway, how do we stop it?
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': There's nothing we can do. ''[whispering]'' Don't worry, Flo. I'll protect you.
:'''Assistant''': Don't worry, girl from the Wendy's commercials.
:'''General''': Don't worry, GEICO gecko.
:''[Cut to the map]''
:'''Gerry''': ''[narrating]'' They covered the whole globe in no time: Mega Bloks, Kre-O, Best-Lock, CoCo, BanBao, Rokenbok, Super Blocks, and Leggo with two g's, which was especially insulting.
:''[Caption: Lego Headquarters, Denmark]''
:''[Zombies groaning]''
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' LEGO my baby, LEGO my honey, LEGO my ragtime gal...
:'''Son''': Daddy, are we safe?
:'''Gerry''': Of course we are, son. People are singing, aren't they? Ugh. That is the lowest form of music.
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' ...Honey, you'll lose me, then you'll be left alone...
:''[Zombies groaning loudly]''
:'''Gerry''': The terrible singing! They're attracted to the terrible singing! ''[the zombies start climbing over the walls. Gerry knocks out the quartet. Soldiers start shooting]'' Ohh! - Ow! Fire! Fire! They're too fast!-Ohh!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': ''[runs in with the syringe]'' Gerry, I've found a way to camouflage ourselves!
:'''Gerry''': That beats my solution. ''[acts out shooting zombies, and then acts out shooting himself]'' Pew pew! Pew pew! Pew!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': LEGOs are machined to a tolerance of 10 micrometers! That's why we're so expensive! But this serum will make us look cheaper and sloppier! ''[injects himself]'' Aah! ''[turns into a Playmobil figure]'' We look like them now!
:'''Gerry''': I'd rather die.
:'''Son''': ''[notices something]'' What?! They have Transformers?
:'''Gerry''': No, son! No!
:'''Son''': Aah! ''[Bumblebee rips him in half]''
:'''Gerry''': Nooooooo!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': You probably don't even want to go on living now.
:'''Gerry''': Huh? Oh, that was just a kid from my wife's first marriage. But that looked really painful. Hit me with the juice! ''[gets injected]'' Ugh! ''[the serum transforms him into...]'' No! You turned me into a ''[bleep]''ing DUPLO! It's the same company as LEGO, you fool! Aah! Aah! ''[Mrs. Lane and the Doctor run away whilst DUPLO Gerry gets his head ripped off]'' Guys, is this ending working? Let's re-shoot it.
:''[Zombies murmuring]''

===Catdog on a Stick [7.10]===
:'''Executive''': You sure you wanna do a movie, Tiger?
:'''Tiger''': I want to be beloved again, like before I had sex with all those waitresses from IHOP. Jordan did Space Jam. I want my Space Jam.
:'''Executive''': Well, studios aren't lining up to lend their characters to a Tiger Woods movie. Everyone aggressively passed except DiC, but I cannot recommend that.
:''[Cut to the title card for the Golf Jam movie]''
:'''Singers''': Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to Tiger on the golf course]''
:'''Tiger''': Time for a day of playing golf and being faithful to my girlfriend. ''[falls down a large hole]'' What? Whoooooooa!! ''[lands in DiC Land, surrounded by Heathcliff and other DiC characters]'' Ow!
:'''Heathcliff''': Welcome to DiC Land, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[getting up from his fall and waving hello]'' Why, hi, Garfield.
:'''Heathcliff''': I'm Heathcliff. I'm more romantic and have an accent. This is Cleo.
:'''Cleo''': We need your help, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to put my penis in you... ''[snaps back to attention, and looks at the camera]'' I mean, I love my girlfriend.
:'''Cleo''': We brought you here because the evil Dork Punks challenged us to a game of golf.
:'''Tiger''': ''[once again enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to hump your face... ''[flustered]'' I mean, help your face- ''[snaps out of it again]'' Help you, I will help you!
:''[The Dork Punks walk into the shot, as Tiger turns to look at them]''
:'''Dork Punk''': Let's tee off, DiC-heads!
:''[Tiger and Heathcliff look at each other and nod, and we cut to a golf-playing montage. Tiger (now wearing a cap with the DiC logo on it) hits a beautful shot as Heathcliff, Cleo, and a couple of other toons watch. LongArm uses his gauntlet to sink a putt, as Tiger chats up Princess Lana and receives a slap to the face from her. As Cleo prepares to sink her putt, Tiger walks up from behind and starts pretending to hump her. Ja-Kal prepares to take a shot as Armon looks on, but a piece of Armon's gauze is caught on Ja-Kal's club. As Ja-Kal swings, he and Armon both get tied up in Armon's gauze. Tiger is seen in one of the bunkers with Nefer-Tina sitting on top of him, as she unwraps the gauze from her upper body much to Tiger's delight. The montage ends as Tiger is getting ready to sink his final putt, with Cleo and Hammerman watching on]''
:'''Hammerman''': If you sink this putt, we win!
:'''Tiger''': Wish me luck, Bobby Brown.
:'''Hammerman''': Bobby Brown? I'm Hammerman! I'm M.C. Hammer, except not, and I have magic shoes. ''[shows off his magic dancing shoes]''
:'''Tiger''': ''[looks at Cleo]'' You know, I don't even know if I want to save you DiC's. You're just uninspired rehashes of good ideas. Seriously, how cheap is DiC? This is a movie, and you all look like you were drawn on a napkin.
:'''Cleo''': Win the game and I'll blow you.
:''[Upon hearing this, Tiger immediately sinks the putt and wins the game. As the DiC toons celebrate, Tiger unzips his pants and takes a terrified Cleo by the hand into the Pancake House for his well-earned blowjob]''
:'''Hammerman''': ''[rapping]'' Everybody tee off, get a club in your hands, charisma-free sex addict saving DiC Land! Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to black with the bold white text &quot;Golf Jam was rented once from Redbox. The copy was returned on time.&quot;]''

===Super Guitaro Center [7.11]===
:'''Shredder''': The &quot;Channel 6 News Masquerade Ball&quot; is the opportunity for me to kidnap April O'Neil. She's the perfect bait to catch the turtles. ''[surprised to see April's costume]'' Wow! Out of that bulky lesbian jumpsuit, she's hot as ''[bleep]''!
:'''April''': Care to dance, Mr. Potter?
:'''Shredder''': WHAT?! ''[cuts to Shredder dancing with April]'' And, what's your costume?
:'''April''': Belle from &quot;Beauty and The Beast&quot;, but a dick-slut.
:'''Shredder''': Is your favorite restaurant, Taco &quot;Belle&quot;?
:''[Both laugh]''
:'''April''': You are hilarious.
:'''Shredder''': On the count of 3, say your favorite band. 1, 2, 3!
:'''Shredder and April''': Toad the Wet Sprocket! ''[pause, they both kiss]''
:'''April''': ''[feels the blade, and gasped]'' Wait. Are you-
:'''Shredder''': In love? Yes. WHAT?! Bye! ''[leaves]''
:'''April''': ''[realizing]'' Shredder?
:''[Cut to Shredder with April outside her apartment after the party]''
:'''Shredder''': Think of something poetic, Oroku. ''[to April]'' But soft, you are total boner food!
:'''April''': Oh, Shredder. My heart doesn't take sides.
:'''Shredder''': People won't approve.
:'''April''': No one can keep us apart.
:''[They both kiss again. Then cuts to the sewer]''
:'''Raphael''': Aww, Hell to the No! ''[punches a brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''April''': We're soul mates! We both love Toad the Wet Sprocket.
:'''Michelangelo''': Toad the-What?! Is that a sex thing?! Have you guys had sex?!
:'''April''': No. Just dry humping, and ball play.
:'''Raphael''': Ball play?! ''[punches the same brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''Splinter''': You must stay away from Shredder, April. He is dangerous. Sleep here tonight. Donatello, grab the guest pillows.
:''[Donatello grabs pizza boxes which are the guest pillows, and puts them on the couch. Later while everyone's asleep, Shredder comes up from behind the couch to see April]''
:'''April''': ''[gasps]'' What are you doing here?
:'''Shredder''': I came to say &quot;Hi&quot;, ''[lays down next to her]'' and also have sex after the whole &quot;Hi&quot; thing.
:'''April''': It's like Six Flags Hurricane Harbor in my panties right now. ''[they both kiss again. Later, we see her and Shredder outside the manhole]'' Mmm, Mmm. You really Toadied my Wet Sprocket. When will I see you again?
:'''Shredder''': Soon, I hope. I should go before the turtles wake up. Plus, I have some major ExtenZe farts coming on. ''[farts]''
:''[Next morning while April was having her breakfast]''
:'''Donatello''': April, just go on one date with Casey. He's a good guy.
:'''April''': Casey is a jobless loser in sweats! ''[walks away]''
:'''Casey''': Good start to my morning.
:'''[Cut to April with the Rat King]''
:'''April''': So, I left. What should I do, Mr. Rat King? I belong with Shredder.
:'''Rat King''': I have an idea! And my idea involves you taking a lot of poison very quickly.
:'''April''': ''[pause, interested]'' Go on?
:''[Cut to April playing dead]''
:'''Shredder''': ''[shocked]'' It can't be! April?! NO!!!! WHY?!?! ''[accidentally hits April with his spikes]''
:'''April''': ''[wakes up in pain]'' Ow! Ow! Ow! What the ''[bleep]''?! Shredder!
:'''Shredder''': April! You're alive!
:'''April''': The poison only made me appear dead. Didn't you read &quot;Romeo and Juliet&quot;, you ''[bleep]''ing ass clown? ''[gags and dies]''
:'''Shredder''': NOOOOOOO!!!!!! ''[a few seconds of silence]'' Just gonna take my Toad the Wet Sprocket bootleg back. ''[takes his CD back, and leaves]''

===Noidstrom Rack [7.12]===
:'''Picard''': ''[dozing in the captain's chair on the bridge of the Enterprise]'' What's that Beverly? You want Wesley to watch? Hmm, make it so! ''[jerks awake]'' Oh, 2300 hours, time for the night crew to relieve us! ''[moves to leave the bridge, as Captain Jake enters]'' Captain.
:'''Captain Jake''': Capitan! ''[the Enterprise bridge crew file out, as their night crew replacements enter]'' Night crew, maintain course. ''[cut to the Enterprise moving through space]'' Space, the final frontier! These are the 11pm to 7am voyages of the Enterprise's night crew. Its continuing mission...is to PAR-TAY! ''[starts drinking from a beer can as the night crew cheer]''
:'''Night Crew''': Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! [A Borg cube appears on the view screen]
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Captain Jake, a Borg cube is hailing us.
:'''Captain Jake''': They probably want us to turn down our jams...Fat chance!
:'''Borg Drone''': Lower your shields, your culture will adapt to service us.
:'''Captain Jake''': You want us to service you?
:'''Borg Drone''': Affirmative. You will service the Borg, all night if needed! ''[Commander LaFreak sniggers. The Borg Drone looks unamused]'' Wait! Our hive mind has assimilated double entendres- real mature, guys! Prepare for assimilation! ''[the Borg cube begins to shoot at the Enterprise with its lasers]''
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Our shields won't last long, sir! Should we wake up the bald guy?
:'''Captain Jake''': ''[opens another can of beer]'' No way, Commander LaFreak! We'll beat the Borg like we beat that frat on Gallos 7!
:'''Commander LaFreak''': We'll sell naked photos of their girlfriends at a pie-eating contest?
:'''Captain Jake''': What?! No! Like any frat, the Borg share a hive mind, man. If we get one Borg to party, all Borg will party! Night crew, prepare to rock out with our Spocks out! ''[the night crew beam across to the Borg cube]'' Anybody order a partygram? ''[the night crew start playing music and drinking with the Borg drones in the cube. He pulls out a bottle of champagne to a female Borg drone]'' Wet t-shirt contest! ''[opens the champagne bottle on the female drone, who doesn't react even when he douses her chest]'' Oh right, no shirt...you want mine? ''[removes his Captain's jumper, just as the Borg drone he talked to advances on him]'' Whoa, chill out, dude! Wait, is she your daughter?
:'''Borg Drone''': Enough! Partying is futile! ''[jabs Captain Jake with its injection tubes, only to recoil. Captain Jake grins]'' Your blood, so full of beer! Your party, so hearty! ''[grabs a cup of beer from a Klingon night crew member and chugs it]'' Woo-hoooo! ''[the rest of the Borg join the drone and the night crew in partying]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Now this, I can assimilate! ''[he and the drone hug]''
:''[Cut to the Borg cube drawing a giant cock on a planet with its lasers. Cut to an awards ceremony on the bridge of the Enterprise]''
:'''Starfleet Admiral''': Captain Jake, Starfleet thanks you for defeating the Borg. ''[hangs a medal around Captain Jake's neck]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Bitchin'!
:'''Picard''': ''[fuming]'' NIGHT CREEEEEEWWWWW! ''[everyone looks round nervously, until he grins]'' Beer me! ''[the night crew cheer and Jake tosses Picard a can]'' You glorious sons of bitches!

===Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13]===
:''[The Disney Princess Castle is shown]''
:'''Snow White''': ''[from inside]'' Welcome to the Princess Summit, ''[cut to inside]'' where we address the complex political issues facing our kingdoms.
:'''Rapunzel''': Hairstyles.
:'''Cinderella''': Talking pets.
:'''Tiana''': Hairstyles for our talking pets.
:'''Ariel''': Crabs. ''[everyone looks at her in disgust]'' I've got crabs.
:'''Snow White''': Well, isn't that just, um...and where is our newest princess?
:'''Merida''': ''[enters, carrying a dead boar dripping with blood]'' Ach! Sorry I'm late. I killed a boar on the way here.
:'''Aurora''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, you're so feminist and empowered. Great.
:'''Merida''': ''[laying boar on the table and gutting it]'' 'Ey, wee beastie! Have we got to grievances yet? A bunch of wee dwarves are illegally mining me territory.
:'''Snow White''': Oh, Merida, you have far bigger problems. Let me tell you about them.
:'''Merida''': Not a damn song.
:'''Snow White''': ''[singing]'' Here's a list of things to drop;
:Your accent, bow, that tangled mop.
:Fifteen pounds from off your hips
:Those ginger afros 'neath your pits
:And no prince will want to mingle
:With a girl with no hit single.
:''[Cinderella, Aurora, and Ariel hold up gold records]''
:'''Cinderella''': ''[spoken]'' And your pet's hair is a disaster.
:'''Merida''': That's me mother! She's a bear! The trailer was very misleading! ''[holds the knife to Snow White's neck''] I came here looking for justice; instead, I found treachery. Prepare yourself for war. ''[Leaves]''
:'''Mulan''': ''[following Merida]'' Someone finally said it! See you on the killing field, round-eyes. ''[leaves]''
:'''Belle''': Amen, sister. ''[leaves]''
:'''Tiana''': Stuck-up bitches!
:''[Rapunzel follows. The remaining princesses look on. We transition to the next scene where Snow White is preparing her army for war against Merida's army]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, that Merida! I'll show her. ''[out the window]'' Send in my war counsel. ''[a cute Disney-esque bird flies up to the windowsill]'' What shall I do, little one?
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Core that bitch like an apple.
:'''Snow White''': Oh my.
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Weave a tapestry of their intestines.
:'''Snow White''': Okay, okay, I get it, I get it. We need weapons.
:'''Cinderella''': I've got a guy.
:''[The Fairy Godmother appears]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, good idea. We'll fight them with magic.
:'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[laying bag of assault weapons on table]'' Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo, that's twenty grand.
:'''Princesses''': Ooh, wow!
:'''Ariel''': Do you need thingamabobs? I've got thingamabobs.
:'''Jasmine''': Nobody cares about the dildo collection you dredged up from the Atlantic, you fishy bitch. ''[Ariel runs away crying]'' Anyone else have cold tits?
:''[We cut to Merida's training grounds]''
:'''Merida''': All right, ladies. Show me what you've got.
:'''Rapunzel''': ''[whips the practice dummy with her hair, dismembering it, then strangling it]'' I finally found the perfect conditioner— ''[pops the dummy's head off]'' blood!
:'''Louis''': ''[shooting arrows and missed the target]'' Oh, curse these stubby arms.
:'''Merida''': You're an alligator. Be an alligator!
:''[Louis turns to Mushu, who is standing beside him]''
:'''Mushu''': Oh, wait! Don't...!
:'''Louis''': ''[eats Mushu]'' Oh! I'm so sorry!
:'''Mulan''': No, no, it was...it was a good kill.
:''[Cut to Snow White's army, ready for their coming battle]''
:'''Snow White''': Not all of us will live to wish upon a star tonight, but we give our lives for a greater good.
:'''Aurora''': ''[yawning]'' Oh dear, I think I'm getting sleepy. I might have to sit this one out, guys.
:'''Snow White''': Don't you pull that shit now!
:'''Aurora''': Just teasing.
:''[An arrow fired by an off-screen Merida strikes Aurora in the throat, killing her instantly]''
:'''Merida''': ''[with her army at the top of a hill]'' Bring me the scalp and/or weave of Snow White! Charge!
:''[The armies charge at each other]''
:'''Jasmine''': I will show you a world of death!
:''[They meet in the middle, where Ariel, now a mermaid, has brought an atomic bomb]''
:'''Ariel''': Look, everyone! I brought my thingamabob! My weapons-grade thingamabob!
:'''Cinderella''': Oh, you just don't know what words are. That's your thing.
:''[The bomb starts beeping, indicating its imminent detonation]''
:'''Princesses''': ''[realizing]'' Ahh! Run away! Run away! ''[running away from the bomb]''
:'''Sebastian''': ''[pops up from behind the bomb, singing]'' Bend over and grab your ankles!
:''[The bomb explodes, completely obscuring the scene with smoke and ash, until it dissipates, revealing that the explosion has eradicated almost everything, leaving nothing but a barren wasteland]''
:'''Merida''': ''[wounded, trudges by]'' Me mother's a bear.
:''[Tinkerbell arrives, then shoots her in the head with a gun, winks, and leaves]''

===Walking Dead Lobster [7.14]===
:''[We start on a gradient aquamarine-blue background, where the Gullah Gullah Island logo rolls in]''
:'''Announcer''': And now, back to Gullah Gullah Island!
:''[We cut to Ron and Natalie's house, where everyone plays Leapfrog with. Two policemen, one blonde and the other with brown hair, arriving at the front door]''
:'''Ron''': ''[jumps over Shaina and Binyah-Binyah]'' This sure is fun, Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': Binyah-Binyah! Have fun, too!
:''[The policemen knock on the door]''
:'''Ron''': I'll get it. ''[opens the door to show the policemen]''
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Hello, sir. We've investigated a tip. A criminal might be in the area; he's robbed a bank and shot three policemen.
:'''Ron''': Oh, no! Well, there's nobody here but me, my wife, our three children, and our man-sized pet polliwog.
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Yeah-no, no, no, that's a man in a frog suit.
:'''Natalie''': ''[incredulous]'' What?! No, he's just a giant polliwog we rescued.
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Where did you find him?
:'''Vanessa''': Oh, behind an amphibious animal costume shop!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': I'm gonna need him out of that frog suit by the count of three. ''[pulls out a pistol]'' One...
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': ''[raises both arms in the air as the Alstons stare in shock]'' Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Two...
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': ''[scared, waving arms]'' Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Three!
:'''Frogman''': ''[screams and strips out of costume, making the Alstons cover their eyes from seeing his nude lesion-covered body]'' No! Don't shoot!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': ''[still points pistol with other officer]'' Down on the ground, Frogman!
:'''Natalie''': ''[disgusted]'' What's on his skin?!
:'''Frogman''': Sores, you dumbass! From wearing that polliwog costume for four months straight! ''[is handcuffed by the blonde policeman and pulled out of the house]'' Binyah-Binyah! Binyah-Binyah!
:''[The brown-haired policeman clubs Frogman on the back of his head to knock him out, ending the sketch''

===Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15]===
:'''Peter Pan''': Fly with me, to Neverland! ''[flies out of the window with the Darling children]''
:'''Mary Darling''': ''[arrives with her husband too late]'' Children, no!
:''[Scene cuts to Neverland]''
:'''Peter Pan''': These are the Lost Boys. They're not vampires. ''[phone rings from inside a tree; curiously]'' We have a phone? ''[picks up the receiver]'' Hello?
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[on the phone]'' I don't know who you are. ''[cut to him with George and Mary]'' I don't know what you want. I don't know why you dress like...
:'''Mary Darling''': A gay Robin Hood.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Like a gay Robin Hood. I have a very particular set of skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. By which I guess I mean, flying gay Robin Hoods.
:''[Cut to Peter]''
:'''Peter Pan''': Good luck finding Neverland, grandpa. ''[hangs up and leaves]''
:'''George Darling''': Oh, what's he saying?
:'''Bryan Mills''': He's saying, &quot;Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...&quot;
:'''Mary Darling''': That's the dial tone.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Dial tone? ''[hangs up]'' Well, this is a very old phone. ''[to George and Mary]'' He's holding your children in what I presume is an underground sex club called Neverland.
:'''George Darling''': Oh thank goodness, you do security work for bankers like myself, Mr. Mills, but how will you reach the children? They were flying!
:'''Mary Darling''': I think I heard them say something about thinking happy thoughts.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Happy thoughts, eh? ''[imagining himself in the thought bubble, grabbing Peter Pan and throwing him on a step]''
:'''Peter Pan''': No! No! Please!
:''[Bryan crushes Peter's head destroying his face, the thought bubble vanishes]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': Whoo hoo, off I go! ''[flies through the roof]''
:''[Scene cuts to Neverland, Bryan kills the Lost Boys, except Slightly, who turns around and sees the other Lost Boys dead covered in blood]''
:'''Slightly''': ''[farts]'' I just pooped in my tail!
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[holding Slightly at knifepoint]'' Where are the children?!
:''[Slightly farts again before we cut to Wendy and the mermaids]''
:'''Wendy''': I've never meet real live mermaids before.
:'''Mermaid''': ''[laughs]'' That's so fun! Lets drown this bitch! ''[grabs Wendy by her arms]''
:'''Wendy''': No, please, no! ''[opens her eyes to see the mermaids dead]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[wearing the seashell bra]'' Wendy, where are your brothers?
:'''Wendy''': There! On the pirate ship!
:''[Cut to the Pirate ship where John and Michael are cornered by Captain Hook]''
:'''Captain Hook''': Time for these little chickadees to walk the plank! ''[laughs]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[near the dead pirates]'' Tick-tock, time's up! ''[kicks Captain Hook, who falls while screaming into the crocodile's mouth]'' I'm taking you home, children.
:'''Peter Pan''': ''[arrives with Tinkerbell]'' Not so fast, you old codfish! ''[Tinkerbell flies up to Bryan taunting him, Bryan uses his shoe to squash her]'' Tink! Oh, good luck getting home without her fairy dust, asshole!
:'''Bryan Mills''': Why would I want to leave when my happy thoughts are about to come true?
:'''Peter Pan''': Your what? ''[Bryan grabs him and throws him to a step]'' Oh! No! NO! ''[Bryan crashes his head with his foot before his shadow comes out]''
:'''Wendy''': Okay, but seriously man, how the ''[bleep]'' are we getting home?!
:'''Bryan Mills''': Hang on. ''[grabs Peter's shadow and throws it on the same step]''
:'''Peter's shadow''': No, no, wait! ''[screams as Bryan crushes its head in black blood with his foot]''

===Bitch Pudding Special [7.16]===
===Batman Forever 21 [7.17]===
===The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's [7.18]===
===Chipotle Miserables [7.19]===
===The Robot Chicken Lots of Holidays But Don't Worry Christmas is Still In There Too so Pull the Stick Out of Your Ass Fox News Special [7.20]===</text>
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    <revision>
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      <contributor>
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      <comment>/* Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15] */</comment>
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      <text bytes="41329" xml:space="preserve">===G.I. Jogurt [7.01]===
:''[At the Emmy Awards, a G.I. Joe PSA of Roadblock talking to two children is shown on the big screen]''
:'''Roadblock''': I don't know why a 7-year-old would need to deep fry a turkey, but know you know how.
:'''Children''': And knowing is half the battle.
:''[The PSA ends with the &quot;G.I. Joe&quot; jingle]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Be a Turkey on Thanksgiving&quot;.
:''[The G.I. Joes clap, and Duke kisses Scarlett before he heads up with Roadblock to collect their award, while COBRA Commander and Destro watch on from the cheap seats]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': Look at them, Destro. The Joes churn out pedestrian advice to dead-eyed children, and the public eats it up! ''[mocking the Joes]'' &quot;Hey, kids, don't play with fallen electrical lines.&quot; ''[normal voice]'' Reads like a dispatch from the no-shit clinic.
:'''Destro''': I'll get the nerve gas.
:'''COBRA Commander''': No, you fool. We'll beat them at their own game. ''[clenching his fist]'' We'll create our own PSAs!
:''[Cut to COBRA Commander, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, and the Crimson Twins in the briefing room at COBRA Headquarters]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': OK, OK, let's just throw some ideas out there. This is a safe creative place. Dr. Mindbender, go.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Well, I thought our PSA could communicate an idea non-verbally. I've discovered that painting directly on celluloid creates a sort of &quot;tone poem&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Holy ''[bleep]'', that's sounds terrible. I'm sorry, safe place, but holy shit, that was fucking dumb. Next!
:'''Baroness''': ''[enters the room]'' Oh, I forgot you guys were in here writing. I was just looking for a hammer to hang my degree in screenwriting from Aberdeen. Anything I can do for you while I'm in here? ''[looks at him]'' Destro?
:'''Destro''': She's actually really funny, you guys.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Hey, you lost me at &quot;She's&quot;. ''[Bleep'' it! We're doing it without a script.
:''[Cut to the set of COBRA's PSAs, as Destro supervises, Storm Shadow is having his makeup done by one COBRA soldier, and two more soldiers move a camera. Dr. Mindbender enters the set with a group of children]''
:'''Destro''': Dr. Mindbender, you found four young children for our PSAs.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Uh, yes. ''[puts his arms around the children]'' That is what these kidnapped children are for.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[talking to Storm Shadow, who is reading his lines]'' OK, Storm Shadow, these two children will be running with scissors. Now, this upsets you, and you...
:'''Storm Shadow''': Why?
:'''COBRA Commander''': It's dangerous to run with scissors.
:'''Storm Shadow''': I run with Katana. Is that not dangerous?
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow, I hadn't thought of that. Excellent point, Storm Shadow. ''[whispers to Tomax]'' Get this piece of ''[bleep]'' off my set!
:''[One of the children runs past, giggling while running with scissors, but ends up getting killed by Storm Shadow]''
:'''Storm Shadow''': Well, COBRA Commander, it looks like I owe you an apology.
:''[First COBRA PSA: Serpentor telling children about using supplies only at the post office]''
:'''Serpentor''': So, remember, only take supplies if you'll use them for post office business. Any other use is a felony.
:'''Boy''': Now I'm aware.
:'''Serpentor''': ''[putting his arms around the children and smiling]'' And awareness is the second 50% of the conflict in question. ''[beat]'' Somebody say ''[bleep]''ing &quot;Cut&quot;!
:''[Second COBRA PSA: COBRA Commander tells children about the joys of reading]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': And I think you'll find it's not hard to read when you take the time to sssssssssound it out. ''[both children giggle]'' Oh, yesss, I've got a sssmall ssspeech impediment. ''[both children laugh; irritated]'' It'sss not funny! ''[removes his mask, as the children scream and run away, only for the Commander to shoot them dead]'' Shut. It. Down.
:''[At the next Emmy Awards...]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Star in a COBRA PSA&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[shaking his fist]'' What?!
:'''Destro''': ''[shouting over to the troops]'' Pump the nerve gas!

===Link's Sausages [7.02]===
:''[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are standing in the street]''
:'''Tommy Pickles''': ''[holding his Reptar doll]'' Well, after crossing the freeway, base jumping off a cliff, and dodging bullets in a gang war, we finally found my Reptar doll.
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enters the street, finding the babies]'' Tommy! What are you doing in the street?!
:''[Cut to the Pickles' house]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, thank God! They've been lost for hours! Where were they?
:'''Didi Pickles''': Stu, a word?  ''[they walk into the kitchen, their voices get muffled as they talk with the door shut]'' What the ''[bleep]'', Stu?!
:'''Stu Pickles''': Well, I'm sorry. The babies escaped, and I-
:'''Didi Pickles''': Escaped?! They're babies, you sackless moron!
:'''Stu Pickles''': I was downstairs, working on a new toy, and they just-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, a new toy! Never mind, then!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[tearing up]'' Didi, if you keep ridiculing my work, I-I swear to God-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enraged]'' What?! You'll hit me?! Ooh, you're such a man!
:''[Thudding and crashing are heard as Didi violently beats Stu offscreen]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': Didi, stop!
:'''Didi Pickles''': I'll be the man! See, Stu?! I'm the man!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[sobbing]'' I want a divorce!
:''[The babies look devastated as the screen cut to static]''

===Secret of the Booze [7.03]===
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf shaving his beard in his house]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': I don't usually get involved in day-to-day operations, so I'm smurfing undercover. They'll never smurf it's me. ''[chuckles; takes off his pants]'' Ohh, I haven't smurfed these things off in nearly 300 years! Talk about crotch rot!
:''[Title Card: Undercover Smurf Boss]''
:'''Farmer Smurf''': So, you're my new intern, huh?
:'''Papa Smurf''': That's right, Farmer Smurf. Teach me to care about your sad, little life...I mean your noble and fulfilling, uh, career choice.
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Well, Smurfs are a thirsty bunch, so we got to smurf them fresh milk every day!
:''[A giant caterpillar slithers in and turns onto its side, revealing its udders]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[being filmed]'' We've been drinking CATERPILLAR MILK?! ''[milks the giant caterpillar, his hands getting sore]'' Oh, this is agony. It feels like my hands are gonna smurf off!
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Yep, my carpal tunnel got so bad, they had to fuse my wrist bones in place!
:'''Papa Smurf''': But our healthcare is smurfy, right?
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Eh, my deductible is 2,000 smurfberries.
:'''Papa Smurf''': WHAT?! ''[cash register dings]''
:''[Title Card: 1 Smurfberry = 1.78 USD]''
:''[Scene cuts to the Smurf Hospital. Doctor Smurf packs his medical bag]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': Doctor Smurf, why are deductibles so high?
:'''Doctor Smurf''': Boy, you smurf a lot of uppity questions for an intern. Uh, just treat the next patient while I go for a Jamba Juice run in my gold-plated helicopter.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Actually, I'm not really qualified.
:''[Outside the window, Doctor Smurf takes off in his gold-plated helicopter. Door opens, Smurfette and Handy Smurf enter the room]''
:'''Smurfette''': We need Doctor Smurf! Handy had an accident!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Did someone get a sliver? ''[Handy shows his bleeding hand, missing all of his fingers]'' OH MY SMURFING GOD!!!
:'''Handy Smurf''': I sawed right through a load-bearing mushroom! Half our building materials are fungus! Oh, trade school didn't prepare me for this!
:'''Smurfette''': You can smurf his fingers, right, nurse?
:'''Papa Smurf''': I'll certainly try. ''[being filmed]'' I certainly tried.
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf sewing Handy's fingers while Handy lies dead on the table]''
:'''Smurfette''': ''[crying]'' You can probably stop sewing.
:'''Papa Smurf''': No, no, no. I-I'm gonna get this. ''[walks up to Grouchy Smurf]'' So, Grouchy Smurf, how's the coffee today?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate coffee!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh! Okay. But how do you like working here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate working here.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh, goodness. Okay. Well, is there anything that maybe Papa Smurf could do?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate Papa Smurf!
:'''Papa Smurf''': All right, what exactly do you do around here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I-I hate stuff?
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[puts on his red hat]'' I'm being deadly serious.
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I...I... ''[cuts to him, shoveling dog poop outside]'' I hate shoveling dog ''[bleep]''.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Well, now that's actually an appropriate reaction. Carry on, dog-''[bleep]'' Smurf! ''[leaves]''
:''[More dog poop falls from above, next to Grouchy]''

===Rebel Appliance [7.04]===
:'''Lion-O''': My fellow Thundercats! When danger is near, I shall hold the Sword of Omens aloft and yell out a battle cry
:'''Cheetara''': What shall our battle cry be, Lion-O?
:'''Lion-O''': &quot;Thunder, thunder, thunder, thundercats, I need you because evil is near, and we are friends, and we are a team. So we must come together and fight because the Eye of Thundera is in the sky, and it is summoning everyone together. So please come here Panthro and Tygra and Panthro and also Cheetara and also Wilykit and Wilicat and also Snarf. I think I said Panthro twice. I won't do that every time. Yes, we are the Thundercats. This is our battle cry. I love you guys. You are my best friends, and I am Lion-O and I am a Thundercat, and you guys are Thundercats too. Mumm Ra is not a Thundercat, he's bad and we're gonna win against him, because we are the Thundercats, and the Thundercats are here for you today because we are the Thundercats yeah, I'm Lion-O&quot;. I hope you write that down.
:'''Snarf''': I liked it. ''[Wilykat slaps him]'' OW!

===Legion of Super-Gyros [7.05]===
:''[With Grover and Oscar the Grouch]''
:'''Grover''': Oh boy, it sure is a great day here on Sesame Street!
:'''Oscar''': Yeah, especially since we're the last neighborhood in New York that hasn't been gentrified.
:'''Grover''': Until today, because our special guest is Hannah Horvath from the marginally popular but ignored in the flyover states HBO series, Girls!
:'''Hannah''': Hey, do you know where I could find a cocaine dealer/organic Vietnamese taco truck around here?
:'''Oscar''': ''[Bleep]'' me! ''[gets back inside his trash can]''
:'''Hannah''': ''[feels Grover]'' Ooh, you're so cute! ''[later that night]'' I really love how you don't play games, Grover.
:'''Grover''': Oh but I play lots of games, patty cake, and marco polo...Ugh!
:'''Hannah''': ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jacking off]'' Insult my parents! Oh yeah!
:'''Grover''': Woah! ''[scene cuts to him and Hannah learning about numbers with apples]'' Today, we are going to learn about the number 3, I have 3 apples!
:'''Hannah''': And I know 3 girls who were date raped at the same bar on 6th street.
:'''Grover''': That is sad. ''[Hannah eats the apple]'' Uh...you're eating my props.
:'''Hannah''': I'm proud of my body.
:'''Grover''': I know, I know.
:'''Hannah''': Ugh! Yeah! ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jerking off again]''
:'''Grover''': Oh, God!

===El Skeletorio [7.06]===
:'''Crypt Keeper''': Oh, hello! I was just enjoying the latest best &quot;heller&quot;! ''[laughs evilly, but then rips off book cover]'' This is actually Dan Brown's &quot;Inferno.&quot; It's a piece of shit. Our next tale is something of an &quot;alle-gory&quot;! You might say it's a &quot;meta-gore&quot;! Let's just roll it.
:''[Cuts to the outside of Bitch Pudding's house, where the title of the sketch appears. We cut to inside the hpuse, where Bitch Pudding is sleeping]''
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out. Get out of the house. Get out of the hou-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Why don't you get your tongue out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole so I can jam your mama's ''[bleep]'' up there, you ''[bleep]''-gargling pile of monkey spunk? Nothing to say now, huh?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': There's just a lot to unpack there.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Well, wake me up when you figure it out, ''[bleep]'' stick. ''[goes back to sleep]''
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding goes to her fridge when she sees the chairs and flower pot of her table are now completely deformed]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed, she flips them over and destroys them]'' BLAM! Where's your ''[bleep]''-ass art project now, ''[bleep]'' nut?
:'''Ghostly voice''': It wasn't supposed to be art, it was supposed to scare you! God! Forget it! I'm leaving! ''[cuts to Strawberry Shortcake's house, where she is sleeping]'' Strawberry Shortcake!
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': ''[wakes up]'' Huh? What?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out of the house!
:''[A red substance begins to ooze out of the walls, causing Strawberry Shortcake to scream in fear]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[breaks in through the window]'' Hey, ''[bleep]''ing clown, if you're ragging so bad, why don't you take your mama's tampon out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole and lick it clean before you shove it up your ''[bleep]''?!
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Hey, stop talking about my dad's ''[bleep]''hole! I'll-I'll leave town, okay? Oh, FYI, that isn't blood, that is strawberry jam, m'lady. The insulation is leaking. All I did was turn the painting upside down. Live with it.
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': Do you think he was right about the insulation? That could be berry expensive.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hmm, let's see. That depends on whether I give a ''[bleep]'', ''[bleep]'' tits! ''[make a fanfare noise]'' Bitch Pudding! BLAM! ''[jumps out the window]''
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': I should really move.

===Snarfer Image [7.07]===
:''[Ticking, cuts to Elmer Fudd in a field]''
:'''Elmer Fudd:'' ''[narrating]'' Time travel has not been invented yet, ''[cocks his gun]'' but in 30 years, it will be. ''[gunshot]'' In the future, TV networks don't awwow cartoons to have guns, so if they want to kill someone, they send them back here to me. My name is Elmer Fudd, and I'm a Wooper. ''[Title Card: Wooper]'' The only wule is never let your target escape, even if your target is you.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': ''[appears in the field]'' What are you waiting for? Shoot me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': What?!
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': In the future, they don't let me have a gun! That was my one dimension as a character! Know what I did yesterday? I slept for 15 hours and then beat it to a Weader's Digest! Help me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': I can't.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': Come on, give it to me. ''[crying]'' Pleeeease. ''[gunshot]''
:'''Yosemite Sam''': ''[appears in the field]'' I'll have what he's having. ''[gunshot]''
:''[Cuts to Porky Pig on the Looney Tunes circles. The words &quot;That's all, folks!&quot; appear in front]''
:'''Porky Pig''': Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-...That's all, folks! ''[gunshot]''

===Up, Up, and Buffet [7.08]===
:'''Fiona''': The spell has broken! This was my true form all along! I can't wait to marry you, Shrek!
:'''Shrek''': Marry you?
:'''Fiona''': Well, yeah! Since we look the same now, we'll live happily ever after!
:'''Shrek''': Fiona, every morning, I look at myself in the mirror, and I wish my mother had the courage to throw me in the river when I was born. Then I make my way to the putrid swamps, the only place on God's green Earth a monster like me feels at home. Sometimes, children gather to scream at me. &quot;Monster!  Animal!&quot;, they yell. Then someone screams, &quot;Kill yourself!&quot; and it takes a few seconds to realize the voice is coming from my own mouth! By then, I've made my way to the old hanging tree. Before I have time to think about it, I'm wrapping a vine around my own neck. It goes &quot;tot&quot; and I pray to the gods that this time, the vine will hold! But alas, everyday, I wake up in my own filth and I lie there and I cry. I cry because I'll live to see my face again! So nay, marrying a lass with a face as hideous as my own is not on my to-do list!
:'''Fiona''':''[with her mouth full]'' Have you tried these mini cheeseburgers? They're great! ''[sees Shrek hanging from a noose, and to Shrek's disappointment, the noose snaps]''

===Panthropologie [7.09]===
:''[Caption: LEGO City, 2014]''
:'''Wife''': Honey, look out! Cliche!
:'''Gerry''': Huh? ''[all screaming]'' What's happening?!
:'''Cop''': Kre-O! They're everywh- Aah! ''[gets torn apart by the Kre-O's]''
:'''Wife''': There's something wrong with them. They look like us but different!
:'''General''': ''[lands in the helicopter]'' This way! Hurry! Your life has more value than other people! ''[the Lanes get onto the helicopter]'' Gerry, we need your expertise!
:'''Gerry''': My expertise? I'm not a soldier!
:'''General''': Gerry, we need a lawyer.
:''[Title Card: WORLD WAR B (as in blocks)]''
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': Put simply, Gerry, we're being invaded by imitation blocks.
:'''Assistant''': Off-brand products with a taste for LEGO blood!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': They're nearly identical but different. Wrong. Like when you sit on your hand until it goes to sleep. You try to pretend Flo from the Progressive commercials is giving you an HJ, but you know it's not Flo. You know that! She'd never be so clumsy, so artless.
:'''General''': That's impossible! We're trademarked!
:'''Gerry''': No, general. LEGO bricks aren't protected by trademark. They're protected by patent.
:'''General''': Hell, man, what's the difference?
:'''Gerry''': The difference is...patents expire! Cool! Someone turned that legal document into a GIF. That's fun.
:'''General''': Isn't it &quot;jiff&quot;? Anyway, how do we stop it?
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': There's nothing we can do. ''[whispering]'' Don't worry, Flo. I'll protect you.
:'''Assistant''': Don't worry, girl from the Wendy's commercials.
:'''General''': Don't worry, GEICO gecko.
:''[Cut to the map]''
:'''Gerry''': ''[narrating]'' They covered the whole globe in no time: Mega Bloks, Kre-O, Best-Lock, CoCo, BanBao, Rokenbok, Super Blocks, and Leggo with two g's, which was especially insulting.
:''[Caption: Lego Headquarters, Denmark]''
:''[Zombies groaning]''
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' LEGO my baby, LEGO my honey, LEGO my ragtime gal...
:'''Son''': Daddy, are we safe?
:'''Gerry''': Of course we are, son. People are singing, aren't they? Ugh. That is the lowest form of music.
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' ...Honey, you'll lose me, then you'll be left alone...
:''[Zombies groaning loudly]''
:'''Gerry''': The terrible singing! They're attracted to the terrible singing! ''[the zombies start climbing over the walls. Gerry knocks out the quartet. Soldiers start shooting]'' Ohh! - Ow! Fire! Fire! They're too fast!-Ohh!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': ''[runs in with the syringe]'' Gerry, I've found a way to camouflage ourselves!
:'''Gerry''': That beats my solution. ''[acts out shooting zombies, and then acts out shooting himself]'' Pew pew! Pew pew! Pew!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': LEGOs are machined to a tolerance of 10 micrometers! That's why we're so expensive! But this serum will make us look cheaper and sloppier! ''[injects himself]'' Aah! ''[turns into a Playmobil figure]'' We look like them now!
:'''Gerry''': I'd rather die.
:'''Son''': ''[notices something]'' What?! They have Transformers?
:'''Gerry''': No, son! No!
:'''Son''': Aah! ''[Bumblebee rips him in half]''
:'''Gerry''': Nooooooo!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': You probably don't even want to go on living now.
:'''Gerry''': Huh? Oh, that was just a kid from my wife's first marriage. But that looked really painful. Hit me with the juice! ''[gets injected]'' Ugh! ''[the serum transforms him into...]'' No! You turned me into a ''[bleep]''ing DUPLO! It's the same company as LEGO, you fool! Aah! Aah! ''[Mrs. Lane and the Doctor run away whilst DUPLO Gerry gets his head ripped off]'' Guys, is this ending working? Let's re-shoot it.
:''[Zombies murmuring]''

===Catdog on a Stick [7.10]===
:'''Executive''': You sure you wanna do a movie, Tiger?
:'''Tiger''': I want to be beloved again, like before I had sex with all those waitresses from IHOP. Jordan did Space Jam. I want my Space Jam.
:'''Executive''': Well, studios aren't lining up to lend their characters to a Tiger Woods movie. Everyone aggressively passed except DiC, but I cannot recommend that.
:''[Cut to the title card for the Golf Jam movie]''
:'''Singers''': Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to Tiger on the golf course]''
:'''Tiger''': Time for a day of playing golf and being faithful to my girlfriend. ''[falls down a large hole]'' What? Whoooooooa!! ''[lands in DiC Land, surrounded by Heathcliff and other DiC characters]'' Ow!
:'''Heathcliff''': Welcome to DiC Land, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[getting up from his fall and waving hello]'' Why, hi, Garfield.
:'''Heathcliff''': I'm Heathcliff. I'm more romantic and have an accent. This is Cleo.
:'''Cleo''': We need your help, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to put my penis in you... ''[snaps back to attention, and looks at the camera]'' I mean, I love my girlfriend.
:'''Cleo''': We brought you here because the evil Dork Punks challenged us to a game of golf.
:'''Tiger''': ''[once again enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to hump your face... ''[flustered]'' I mean, help your face- ''[snaps out of it again]'' Help you, I will help you!
:''[The Dork Punks walk into the shot, as Tiger turns to look at them]''
:'''Dork Punk''': Let's tee off, DiC-heads!
:''[Tiger and Heathcliff look at each other and nod, and we cut to a golf-playing montage. Tiger (now wearing a cap with the DiC logo on it) hits a beautful shot as Heathcliff, Cleo, and a couple of other toons watch. LongArm uses his gauntlet to sink a putt, as Tiger chats up Princess Lana and receives a slap to the face from her. As Cleo prepares to sink her putt, Tiger walks up from behind and starts pretending to hump her. Ja-Kal prepares to take a shot as Armon looks on, but a piece of Armon's gauze is caught on Ja-Kal's club. As Ja-Kal swings, he and Armon both get tied up in Armon's gauze. Tiger is seen in one of the bunkers with Nefer-Tina sitting on top of him, as she unwraps the gauze from her upper body much to Tiger's delight. The montage ends as Tiger is getting ready to sink his final putt, with Cleo and Hammerman watching on]''
:'''Hammerman''': If you sink this putt, we win!
:'''Tiger''': Wish me luck, Bobby Brown.
:'''Hammerman''': Bobby Brown? I'm Hammerman! I'm M.C. Hammer, except not, and I have magic shoes. ''[shows off his magic dancing shoes]''
:'''Tiger''': ''[looks at Cleo]'' You know, I don't even know if I want to save you DiC's. You're just uninspired rehashes of good ideas. Seriously, how cheap is DiC? This is a movie, and you all look like you were drawn on a napkin.
:'''Cleo''': Win the game and I'll blow you.
:''[Upon hearing this, Tiger immediately sinks the putt and wins the game. As the DiC toons celebrate, Tiger unzips his pants and takes a terrified Cleo by the hand into the Pancake House for his well-earned blowjob]''
:'''Hammerman''': ''[rapping]'' Everybody tee off, get a club in your hands, charisma-free sex addict saving DiC Land! Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to black with the bold white text &quot;Golf Jam was rented once from Redbox. The copy was returned on time.&quot;]''

===Super Guitaro Center [7.11]===
:'''Shredder''': The &quot;Channel 6 News Masquerade Ball&quot; is the opportunity for me to kidnap April O'Neil. She's the perfect bait to catch the turtles. ''[surprised to see April's costume]'' Wow! Out of that bulky lesbian jumpsuit, she's hot as ''[bleep]''!
:'''April''': Care to dance, Mr. Potter?
:'''Shredder''': WHAT?! ''[cuts to Shredder dancing with April]'' And, what's your costume?
:'''April''': Belle from &quot;Beauty and The Beast&quot;, but a dick-slut.
:'''Shredder''': Is your favorite restaurant, Taco &quot;Belle&quot;?
:''[Both laugh]''
:'''April''': You are hilarious.
:'''Shredder''': On the count of 3, say your favorite band. 1, 2, 3!
:'''Shredder and April''': Toad the Wet Sprocket! ''[pause, they both kiss]''
:'''April''': ''[feels the blade, and gasped]'' Wait. Are you-
:'''Shredder''': In love? Yes. WHAT?! Bye! ''[leaves]''
:'''April''': ''[realizing]'' Shredder?
:''[Cut to Shredder with April outside her apartment after the party]''
:'''Shredder''': Think of something poetic, Oroku. ''[to April]'' But soft, you are total boner food!
:'''April''': Oh, Shredder. My heart doesn't take sides.
:'''Shredder''': People won't approve.
:'''April''': No one can keep us apart.
:''[They both kiss again. Then cuts to the sewer]''
:'''Raphael''': Aww, Hell to the No! ''[punches a brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''April''': We're soul mates! We both love Toad the Wet Sprocket.
:'''Michelangelo''': Toad the-What?! Is that a sex thing?! Have you guys had sex?!
:'''April''': No. Just dry humping, and ball play.
:'''Raphael''': Ball play?! ''[punches the same brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''Splinter''': You must stay away from Shredder, April. He is dangerous. Sleep here tonight. Donatello, grab the guest pillows.
:''[Donatello grabs pizza boxes which are the guest pillows, and puts them on the couch. Later while everyone's asleep, Shredder comes up from behind the couch to see April]''
:'''April''': ''[gasps]'' What are you doing here?
:'''Shredder''': I came to say &quot;Hi&quot;, ''[lays down next to her]'' and also have sex after the whole &quot;Hi&quot; thing.
:'''April''': It's like Six Flags Hurricane Harbor in my panties right now. ''[they both kiss again. Later, we see her and Shredder outside the manhole]'' Mmm, Mmm. You really Toadied my Wet Sprocket. When will I see you again?
:'''Shredder''': Soon, I hope. I should go before the turtles wake up. Plus, I have some major ExtenZe farts coming on. ''[farts]''
:''[Next morning while April was having her breakfast]''
:'''Donatello''': April, just go on one date with Casey. He's a good guy.
:'''April''': Casey is a jobless loser in sweats! ''[walks away]''
:'''Casey''': Good start to my morning.
:'''[Cut to April with the Rat King]''
:'''April''': So, I left. What should I do, Mr. Rat King? I belong with Shredder.
:'''Rat King''': I have an idea! And my idea involves you taking a lot of poison very quickly.
:'''April''': ''[pause, interested]'' Go on?
:''[Cut to April playing dead]''
:'''Shredder''': ''[shocked]'' It can't be! April?! NO!!!! WHY?!?! ''[accidentally hits April with his spikes]''
:'''April''': ''[wakes up in pain]'' Ow! Ow! Ow! What the ''[bleep]''?! Shredder!
:'''Shredder''': April! You're alive!
:'''April''': The poison only made me appear dead. Didn't you read &quot;Romeo and Juliet&quot;, you ''[bleep]''ing ass clown? ''[gags and dies]''
:'''Shredder''': NOOOOOOO!!!!!! ''[a few seconds of silence]'' Just gonna take my Toad the Wet Sprocket bootleg back. ''[takes his CD back, and leaves]''

===Noidstrom Rack [7.12]===
:'''Picard''': ''[dozing in the captain's chair on the bridge of the Enterprise]'' What's that Beverly? You want Wesley to watch? Hmm, make it so! ''[jerks awake]'' Oh, 2300 hours, time for the night crew to relieve us! ''[moves to leave the bridge, as Captain Jake enters]'' Captain.
:'''Captain Jake''': Capitan! ''[the Enterprise bridge crew file out, as their night crew replacements enter]'' Night crew, maintain course. ''[cut to the Enterprise moving through space]'' Space, the final frontier! These are the 11pm to 7am voyages of the Enterprise's night crew. Its continuing mission...is to PAR-TAY! ''[starts drinking from a beer can as the night crew cheer]''
:'''Night Crew''': Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! [A Borg cube appears on the view screen]
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Captain Jake, a Borg cube is hailing us.
:'''Captain Jake''': They probably want us to turn down our jams...Fat chance!
:'''Borg Drone''': Lower your shields, your culture will adapt to service us.
:'''Captain Jake''': You want us to service you?
:'''Borg Drone''': Affirmative. You will service the Borg, all night if needed! ''[Commander LaFreak sniggers. The Borg Drone looks unamused]'' Wait! Our hive mind has assimilated double entendres- real mature, guys! Prepare for assimilation! ''[the Borg cube begins to shoot at the Enterprise with its lasers]''
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Our shields won't last long, sir! Should we wake up the bald guy?
:'''Captain Jake''': ''[opens another can of beer]'' No way, Commander LaFreak! We'll beat the Borg like we beat that frat on Gallos 7!
:'''Commander LaFreak''': We'll sell naked photos of their girlfriends at a pie-eating contest?
:'''Captain Jake''': What?! No! Like any frat, the Borg share a hive mind, man. If we get one Borg to party, all Borg will party! Night crew, prepare to rock out with our Spocks out! ''[the night crew beam across to the Borg cube]'' Anybody order a partygram? ''[the night crew start playing music and drinking with the Borg drones in the cube. He pulls out a bottle of champagne to a female Borg drone]'' Wet t-shirt contest! ''[opens the champagne bottle on the female drone, who doesn't react even when he douses her chest]'' Oh right, no shirt...you want mine? ''[removes his Captain's jumper, just as the Borg drone he talked to advances on him]'' Whoa, chill out, dude! Wait, is she your daughter?
:'''Borg Drone''': Enough! Partying is futile! ''[jabs Captain Jake with its injection tubes, only to recoil. Captain Jake grins]'' Your blood, so full of beer! Your party, so hearty! ''[grabs a cup of beer from a Klingon night crew member and chugs it]'' Woo-hoooo! ''[the rest of the Borg join the drone and the night crew in partying]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Now this, I can assimilate! ''[he and the drone hug]''
:''[Cut to the Borg cube drawing a giant cock on a planet with its lasers. Cut to an awards ceremony on the bridge of the Enterprise]''
:'''Starfleet Admiral''': Captain Jake, Starfleet thanks you for defeating the Borg. ''[hangs a medal around Captain Jake's neck]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Bitchin'!
:'''Picard''': ''[fuming]'' NIGHT CREEEEEEWWWWW! ''[everyone looks round nervously, until he grins]'' Beer me! ''[the night crew cheer and Jake tosses Picard a can]'' You glorious sons of bitches!

===Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13]===
:''[The Disney Princess Castle is shown]''
:'''Snow White''': ''[from inside]'' Welcome to the Princess Summit, ''[cut to inside]'' where we address the complex political issues facing our kingdoms.
:'''Rapunzel''': Hairstyles.
:'''Cinderella''': Talking pets.
:'''Tiana''': Hairstyles for our talking pets.
:'''Ariel''': Crabs. ''[everyone looks at her in disgust]'' I've got crabs.
:'''Snow White''': Well, isn't that just, um...and where is our newest princess?
:'''Merida''': ''[enters, carrying a dead boar dripping with blood]'' Ach! Sorry I'm late. I killed a boar on the way here.
:'''Aurora''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, you're so feminist and empowered. Great.
:'''Merida''': ''[laying boar on the table and gutting it]'' 'Ey, wee beastie! Have we got to grievances yet? A bunch of wee dwarves are illegally mining me territory.
:'''Snow White''': Oh, Merida, you have far bigger problems. Let me tell you about them.
:'''Merida''': Not a damn song.
:'''Snow White''': ''[singing]'' Here's a list of things to drop;
:Your accent, bow, that tangled mop.
:Fifteen pounds from off your hips
:Those ginger afros 'neath your pits
:And no prince will want to mingle
:With a girl with no hit single.
:''[Cinderella, Aurora, and Ariel hold up gold records]''
:'''Cinderella''': ''[spoken]'' And your pet's hair is a disaster.
:'''Merida''': That's me mother! She's a bear! The trailer was very misleading! ''[holds the knife to Snow White's neck''] I came here looking for justice; instead, I found treachery. Prepare yourself for war. ''[Leaves]''
:'''Mulan''': ''[following Merida]'' Someone finally said it! See you on the killing field, round-eyes. ''[leaves]''
:'''Belle''': Amen, sister. ''[leaves]''
:'''Tiana''': Stuck-up bitches!
:''[Rapunzel follows. The remaining princesses look on. We transition to the next scene where Snow White is preparing her army for war against Merida's army]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, that Merida! I'll show her. ''[out the window]'' Send in my war counsel. ''[a cute Disney-esque bird flies up to the windowsill]'' What shall I do, little one?
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Core that bitch like an apple.
:'''Snow White''': Oh my.
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Weave a tapestry of their intestines.
:'''Snow White''': Okay, okay, I get it, I get it. We need weapons.
:'''Cinderella''': I've got a guy.
:''[The Fairy Godmother appears]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, good idea. We'll fight them with magic.
:'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[laying bag of assault weapons on table]'' Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo, that's twenty grand.
:'''Princesses''': Ooh, wow!
:'''Ariel''': Do you need thingamabobs? I've got thingamabobs.
:'''Jasmine''': Nobody cares about the dildo collection you dredged up from the Atlantic, you fishy bitch. ''[Ariel runs away crying]'' Anyone else have cold tits?
:''[We cut to Merida's training grounds]''
:'''Merida''': All right, ladies. Show me what you've got.
:'''Rapunzel''': ''[whips the practice dummy with her hair, dismembering it, then strangling it]'' I finally found the perfect conditioner— ''[pops the dummy's head off]'' blood!
:'''Louis''': ''[shooting arrows and missed the target]'' Oh, curse these stubby arms.
:'''Merida''': You're an alligator. Be an alligator!
:''[Louis turns to Mushu, who is standing beside him]''
:'''Mushu''': Oh, wait! Don't...!
:'''Louis''': ''[eats Mushu]'' Oh! I'm so sorry!
:'''Mulan''': No, no, it was...it was a good kill.
:''[Cut to Snow White's army, ready for their coming battle]''
:'''Snow White''': Not all of us will live to wish upon a star tonight, but we give our lives for a greater good.
:'''Aurora''': ''[yawning]'' Oh dear, I think I'm getting sleepy. I might have to sit this one out, guys.
:'''Snow White''': Don't you pull that shit now!
:'''Aurora''': Just teasing.
:''[An arrow fired by an off-screen Merida strikes Aurora in the throat, killing her instantly]''
:'''Merida''': ''[with her army at the top of a hill]'' Bring me the scalp and/or weave of Snow White! Charge!
:''[The armies charge at each other]''
:'''Jasmine''': I will show you a world of death!
:''[They meet in the middle, where Ariel, now a mermaid, has brought an atomic bomb]''
:'''Ariel''': Look, everyone! I brought my thingamabob! My weapons-grade thingamabob!
:'''Cinderella''': Oh, you just don't know what words are. That's your thing.
:''[The bomb starts beeping, indicating its imminent detonation]''
:'''Princesses''': ''[realizing]'' Ahh! Run away! Run away! ''[running away from the bomb]''
:'''Sebastian''': ''[pops up from behind the bomb, singing]'' Bend over and grab your ankles!
:''[The bomb explodes, completely obscuring the scene with smoke and ash, until it dissipates, revealing that the explosion has eradicated almost everything, leaving nothing but a barren wasteland]''
:'''Merida''': ''[wounded, trudges by]'' Me mother's a bear.
:''[Tinkerbell arrives, then shoots her in the head with a gun, winks, and leaves]''

===Walking Dead Lobster [7.14]===
:''[We start on a gradient aquamarine-blue background, where the Gullah Gullah Island logo rolls in]''
:'''Announcer''': And now, back to Gullah Gullah Island!
:''[We cut to Ron and Natalie's house, where everyone plays Leapfrog with. Two policemen, one blonde and the other with brown hair, arriving at the front door]''
:'''Ron''': ''[jumps over Shaina and Binyah-Binyah]'' This sure is fun, Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': Binyah-Binyah! Have fun, too!
:''[The policemen knock on the door]''
:'''Ron''': I'll get it. ''[opens the door to show the policemen]''
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Hello, sir. We've investigated a tip. A criminal might be in the area; he's robbed a bank and shot three policemen.
:'''Ron''': Oh, no! Well, there's nobody here but me, my wife, our three children, and our man-sized pet polliwog.
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Yeah-no, no, no, that's a man in a frog suit.
:'''Natalie''': ''[incredulous]'' What?! No, he's just a giant polliwog we rescued.
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Where did you find him?
:'''Vanessa''': Oh, behind an amphibious animal costume shop!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': I'm gonna need him out of that frog suit by the count of three. ''[pulls out a pistol]'' One...
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': ''[raises both arms in the air as the Alstons stare in shock]'' Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Two...
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': ''[scared, waving arms]'' Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Three!
:'''Frogman''': ''[screams and strips out of costume, making the Alstons cover their eyes from seeing his nude lesion-covered body]'' No! Don't shoot!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': ''[still points pistol with other officer]'' Down on the ground, Frogman!
:'''Natalie''': ''[disgusted]'' What's on his skin?!
:'''Frogman''': Sores, you dumbass! From wearing that polliwog costume for four months straight! ''[is handcuffed by the blonde policeman and pulled out of the house]'' Binyah-Binyah! Binyah-Binyah!
:''[The brown-haired policeman clubs Frogman on the back of his head to knock him out, ending the sketch''

===Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15]===
:'''Peter Pan''': Fly with me, to Neverland! ''[flies out of the window with the Darling children]''
:'''Mary Darling''': ''[arrives with her husband too late]'' Children, no!
:''[Scene cuts to Neverland]''
:'''Peter Pan''': These are the Lost Boys. They're not vampires. ''[phone rings from inside a tree; curiously]'' We have a phone? ''[picks up the receiver]'' Hello?
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[on the phone]'' I don't know who you are. ''[cut to him with George and Mary]'' I don't know what you want. I don't know why you dress like...
:'''Mary Darling''': A gay Robin Hood.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Like a gay Robin Hood. I have a very particular set of skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. By which I guess I mean, flying gay Robin Hoods.
:''[Cut to Peter]''
:'''Peter Pan''': Good luck finding Neverland, grandpa. ''[hangs up and leaves]''
:''[Cut back to Bryan, George, and Mary]''
:'''George Darling''': Oh, what's he saying?
:'''Bryan Mills''': He's saying, &quot;Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...&quot;
:'''Mary Darling''': That's the dial tone.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Dial tone? ''[hangs up]'' Well, this is a very old phone. ''[to George and Mary]'' He's holding your children in what I presume is an underground sex club called Neverland.
:'''George Darling''': Oh thank goodness, you do security work for bankers like myself, Mr. Mills, but how will you reach the children? They were flying!
:'''Mary Darling''': I think I heard them say something about thinking happy thoughts.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Happy thoughts, eh? ''[imagining himself in the thought bubble, grabbing Peter Pan and throwing him on a step]''
:'''Peter Pan''': No! No! Please!
:''[Bryan crushes Peter's head destroying his face, the thought bubble vanishes]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': Whoo hoo, off I go! ''[flies through the roof]''
:''[Scene cuts to Neverland, Bryan kills the Lost Boys, except Slightly, who turns around and sees the other Lost Boys dead covered in blood]''
:'''Slightly''': ''[farts]'' I just pooped in my tail!
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[holding Slightly at knifepoint]'' Where are the children?!
:''[Slightly farts again before we cut to Wendy and the mermaids]''
:'''Wendy''': I've never meet real live mermaids before.
:'''Mermaid''': ''[laughs]'' That's so fun! Lets drown this bitch! ''[grabs Wendy by her arms]''
:'''Wendy''': No, please, no! ''[opens her eyes to see the mermaids dead]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[wearing the seashell bra]'' Wendy, where are your brothers?
:'''Wendy''': There! On the pirate ship!
:''[Cut to the Pirate ship where John and Michael are cornered by Captain Hook]''
:'''Captain Hook''': Time for these little chickadees to walk the plank! ''[laughs]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[near the dead pirates]'' Tick-tock, time's up! ''[kicks Captain Hook, who falls while screaming into the crocodile's mouth]'' I'm taking you home, children.
:'''Peter Pan''': ''[arrives with Tinkerbell]'' Not so fast, you old codfish! ''[Tinkerbell flies up to Bryan taunting him, Bryan uses his shoe to squash her]'' Tink! Oh, good luck getting home without her fairy dust, asshole!
:'''Bryan Mills''': Why would I want to leave when my happy thoughts are about to come true?
:'''Peter Pan''': Your what? ''[Bryan grabs him and throws him to a step]'' Oh! No! NO! ''[Bryan crashes his head with his foot before his shadow comes out]''
:'''Wendy''': Okay, but seriously man, how the ''[bleep]'' are we getting home?!
:'''Bryan Mills''': Hang on. ''[grabs Peter's shadow and throws it on the same step]''
:'''Peter's shadow''': No, no, wait! ''[screams as Bryan crushes its head in black blood with his foot]''

===Bitch Pudding Special [7.16]===
===Batman Forever 21 [7.17]===
===The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's [7.18]===
===Chipotle Miserables [7.19]===
===The Robot Chicken Lots of Holidays But Don't Worry Christmas is Still In There Too so Pull the Stick Out of Your Ass Fox News Special [7.20]===</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147925</id>
      <parentid>3147865</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T00:04:38Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
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      <comment>/* Bitch Pudding Special [7.16] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="45652" xml:space="preserve">===G.I. Jogurt [7.01]===
:''[At the Emmy Awards, a G.I. Joe PSA of Roadblock talking to two children is shown on the big screen]''
:'''Roadblock''': I don't know why a 7-year-old would need to deep fry a turkey, but know you know how.
:'''Children''': And knowing is half the battle.
:''[The PSA ends with the &quot;G.I. Joe&quot; jingle]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Be a Turkey on Thanksgiving&quot;.
:''[The G.I. Joes clap, and Duke kisses Scarlett before he heads up with Roadblock to collect their award, while COBRA Commander and Destro watch on from the cheap seats]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': Look at them, Destro. The Joes churn out pedestrian advice to dead-eyed children, and the public eats it up! ''[mocking the Joes]'' &quot;Hey, kids, don't play with fallen electrical lines.&quot; ''[normal voice]'' Reads like a dispatch from the no-shit clinic.
:'''Destro''': I'll get the nerve gas.
:'''COBRA Commander''': No, you fool. We'll beat them at their own game. ''[clenching his fist]'' We'll create our own PSAs!
:''[Cut to COBRA Commander, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, and the Crimson Twins in the briefing room at COBRA Headquarters]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': OK, OK, let's just throw some ideas out there. This is a safe creative place. Dr. Mindbender, go.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Well, I thought our PSA could communicate an idea non-verbally. I've discovered that painting directly on celluloid creates a sort of &quot;tone poem&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Holy ''[bleep]'', that's sounds terrible. I'm sorry, safe place, but holy shit, that was fucking dumb. Next!
:'''Baroness''': ''[enters the room]'' Oh, I forgot you guys were in here writing. I was just looking for a hammer to hang my degree in screenwriting from Aberdeen. Anything I can do for you while I'm in here? ''[looks at him]'' Destro?
:'''Destro''': She's actually really funny, you guys.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Hey, you lost me at &quot;She's&quot;. ''[Bleep'' it! We're doing it without a script.
:''[Cut to the set of COBRA's PSAs, as Destro supervises, Storm Shadow is having his makeup done by one COBRA soldier, and two more soldiers move a camera. Dr. Mindbender enters the set with a group of children]''
:'''Destro''': Dr. Mindbender, you found four young children for our PSAs.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Uh, yes. ''[puts his arms around the children]'' That is what these kidnapped children are for.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[talking to Storm Shadow, who is reading his lines]'' OK, Storm Shadow, these two children will be running with scissors. Now, this upsets you, and you...
:'''Storm Shadow''': Why?
:'''COBRA Commander''': It's dangerous to run with scissors.
:'''Storm Shadow''': I run with Katana. Is that not dangerous?
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow, I hadn't thought of that. Excellent point, Storm Shadow. ''[whispers to Tomax]'' Get this piece of ''[bleep]'' off my set!
:''[One of the children runs past, giggling while running with scissors, but ends up getting killed by Storm Shadow]''
:'''Storm Shadow''': Well, COBRA Commander, it looks like I owe you an apology.
:''[First COBRA PSA: Serpentor telling children about using supplies only at the post office]''
:'''Serpentor''': So, remember, only take supplies if you'll use them for post office business. Any other use is a felony.
:'''Boy''': Now I'm aware.
:'''Serpentor''': ''[putting his arms around the children and smiling]'' And awareness is the second 50% of the conflict in question. ''[beat]'' Somebody say ''[bleep]''ing &quot;Cut&quot;!
:''[Second COBRA PSA: COBRA Commander tells children about the joys of reading]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': And I think you'll find it's not hard to read when you take the time to sssssssssound it out. ''[both children giggle]'' Oh, yesss, I've got a sssmall ssspeech impediment. ''[both children laugh; irritated]'' It'sss not funny! ''[removes his mask, as the children scream and run away, only for the Commander to shoot them dead]'' Shut. It. Down.
:''[At the next Emmy Awards...]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Star in a COBRA PSA&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[shaking his fist]'' What?!
:'''Destro''': ''[shouting over to the troops]'' Pump the nerve gas!

===Link's Sausages [7.02]===
:''[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are standing in the street]''
:'''Tommy Pickles''': ''[holding his Reptar doll]'' Well, after crossing the freeway, base jumping off a cliff, and dodging bullets in a gang war, we finally found my Reptar doll.
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enters the street, finding the babies]'' Tommy! What are you doing in the street?!
:''[Cut to the Pickles' house]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, thank God! They've been lost for hours! Where were they?
:'''Didi Pickles''': Stu, a word?  ''[they walk into the kitchen, their voices get muffled as they talk with the door shut]'' What the ''[bleep]'', Stu?!
:'''Stu Pickles''': Well, I'm sorry. The babies escaped, and I-
:'''Didi Pickles''': Escaped?! They're babies, you sackless moron!
:'''Stu Pickles''': I was downstairs, working on a new toy, and they just-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, a new toy! Never mind, then!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[tearing up]'' Didi, if you keep ridiculing my work, I-I swear to God-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enraged]'' What?! You'll hit me?! Ooh, you're such a man!
:''[Thudding and crashing are heard as Didi violently beats Stu offscreen]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': Didi, stop!
:'''Didi Pickles''': I'll be the man! See, Stu?! I'm the man!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[sobbing]'' I want a divorce!
:''[The babies look devastated as the screen cut to static]''

===Secret of the Booze [7.03]===
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf shaving his beard in his house]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': I don't usually get involved in day-to-day operations, so I'm smurfing undercover. They'll never smurf it's me. ''[chuckles; takes off his pants]'' Ohh, I haven't smurfed these things off in nearly 300 years! Talk about crotch rot!
:''[Title Card: Undercover Smurf Boss]''
:'''Farmer Smurf''': So, you're my new intern, huh?
:'''Papa Smurf''': That's right, Farmer Smurf. Teach me to care about your sad, little life...I mean your noble and fulfilling, uh, career choice.
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Well, Smurfs are a thirsty bunch, so we got to smurf them fresh milk every day!
:''[A giant caterpillar slithers in and turns onto its side, revealing its udders]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[being filmed]'' We've been drinking CATERPILLAR MILK?! ''[milks the giant caterpillar, his hands getting sore]'' Oh, this is agony. It feels like my hands are gonna smurf off!
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Yep, my carpal tunnel got so bad, they had to fuse my wrist bones in place!
:'''Papa Smurf''': But our healthcare is smurfy, right?
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Eh, my deductible is 2,000 smurfberries.
:'''Papa Smurf''': WHAT?! ''[cash register dings]''
:''[Title Card: 1 Smurfberry = 1.78 USD]''
:''[Scene cuts to the Smurf Hospital. Doctor Smurf packs his medical bag]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': Doctor Smurf, why are deductibles so high?
:'''Doctor Smurf''': Boy, you smurf a lot of uppity questions for an intern. Uh, just treat the next patient while I go for a Jamba Juice run in my gold-plated helicopter.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Actually, I'm not really qualified.
:''[Outside the window, Doctor Smurf takes off in his gold-plated helicopter. Door opens, Smurfette and Handy Smurf enter the room]''
:'''Smurfette''': We need Doctor Smurf! Handy had an accident!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Did someone get a sliver? ''[Handy shows his bleeding hand, missing all of his fingers]'' OH MY SMURFING GOD!!!
:'''Handy Smurf''': I sawed right through a load-bearing mushroom! Half our building materials are fungus! Oh, trade school didn't prepare me for this!
:'''Smurfette''': You can smurf his fingers, right, nurse?
:'''Papa Smurf''': I'll certainly try. ''[being filmed]'' I certainly tried.
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf sewing Handy's fingers while Handy lies dead on the table]''
:'''Smurfette''': ''[crying]'' You can probably stop sewing.
:'''Papa Smurf''': No, no, no. I-I'm gonna get this. ''[walks up to Grouchy Smurf]'' So, Grouchy Smurf, how's the coffee today?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate coffee!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh! Okay. But how do you like working here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate working here.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh, goodness. Okay. Well, is there anything that maybe Papa Smurf could do?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate Papa Smurf!
:'''Papa Smurf''': All right, what exactly do you do around here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I-I hate stuff?
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[puts on his red hat]'' I'm being deadly serious.
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I...I... ''[cuts to him, shoveling dog poop outside]'' I hate shoveling dog ''[bleep]''.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Well, now that's actually an appropriate reaction. Carry on, dog-''[bleep]'' Smurf! ''[leaves]''
:''[More dog poop falls from above, next to Grouchy]''

===Rebel Appliance [7.04]===
:'''Lion-O''': My fellow Thundercats! When danger is near, I shall hold the Sword of Omens aloft and yell out a battle cry
:'''Cheetara''': What shall our battle cry be, Lion-O?
:'''Lion-O''': &quot;Thunder, thunder, thunder, thundercats, I need you because evil is near, and we are friends, and we are a team. So we must come together and fight because the Eye of Thundera is in the sky, and it is summoning everyone together. So please come here Panthro and Tygra and Panthro and also Cheetara and also Wilykit and Wilicat and also Snarf. I think I said Panthro twice. I won't do that every time. Yes, we are the Thundercats. This is our battle cry. I love you guys. You are my best friends, and I am Lion-O and I am a Thundercat, and you guys are Thundercats too. Mumm Ra is not a Thundercat, he's bad and we're gonna win against him, because we are the Thundercats, and the Thundercats are here for you today because we are the Thundercats yeah, I'm Lion-O&quot;. I hope you write that down.
:'''Snarf''': I liked it. ''[Wilykat slaps him]'' OW!

===Legion of Super-Gyros [7.05]===
:''[With Grover and Oscar the Grouch]''
:'''Grover''': Oh boy, it sure is a great day here on Sesame Street!
:'''Oscar''': Yeah, especially since we're the last neighborhood in New York that hasn't been gentrified.
:'''Grover''': Until today, because our special guest is Hannah Horvath from the marginally popular but ignored in the flyover states HBO series, Girls!
:'''Hannah''': Hey, do you know where I could find a cocaine dealer/organic Vietnamese taco truck around here?
:'''Oscar''': ''[Bleep]'' me! ''[gets back inside his trash can]''
:'''Hannah''': ''[feels Grover]'' Ooh, you're so cute! ''[later that night]'' I really love how you don't play games, Grover.
:'''Grover''': Oh but I play lots of games, patty cake, and marco polo...Ugh!
:'''Hannah''': ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jacking off]'' Insult my parents! Oh yeah!
:'''Grover''': Woah! ''[scene cuts to him and Hannah learning about numbers with apples]'' Today, we are going to learn about the number 3, I have 3 apples!
:'''Hannah''': And I know 3 girls who were date raped at the same bar on 6th street.
:'''Grover''': That is sad. ''[Hannah eats the apple]'' Uh...you're eating my props.
:'''Hannah''': I'm proud of my body.
:'''Grover''': I know, I know.
:'''Hannah''': Ugh! Yeah! ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jerking off again]''
:'''Grover''': Oh, God!

===El Skeletorio [7.06]===
:'''Crypt Keeper''': Oh, hello! I was just enjoying the latest best &quot;heller&quot;! ''[laughs evilly, but then rips off book cover]'' This is actually Dan Brown's &quot;Inferno.&quot; It's a piece of shit. Our next tale is something of an &quot;alle-gory&quot;! You might say it's a &quot;meta-gore&quot;! Let's just roll it.
:''[Cuts to the outside of Bitch Pudding's house, where the title of the sketch appears. We cut to inside the hpuse, where Bitch Pudding is sleeping]''
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out. Get out of the house. Get out of the hou-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Why don't you get your tongue out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole so I can jam your mama's ''[bleep]'' up there, you ''[bleep]''-gargling pile of monkey spunk? Nothing to say now, huh?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': There's just a lot to unpack there.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Well, wake me up when you figure it out, ''[bleep]'' stick. ''[goes back to sleep]''
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding goes to her fridge when she sees the chairs and flower pot of her table are now completely deformed]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed, she flips them over and destroys them]'' BLAM! Where's your ''[bleep]''-ass art project now, ''[bleep]'' nut?
:'''Ghostly voice''': It wasn't supposed to be art, it was supposed to scare you! God! Forget it! I'm leaving! ''[cuts to Strawberry Shortcake's house, where she is sleeping]'' Strawberry Shortcake!
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': ''[wakes up]'' Huh? What?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out of the house!
:''[A red substance begins to ooze out of the walls, causing Strawberry Shortcake to scream in fear]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[breaks in through the window]'' Hey, ''[bleep]''ing clown, if you're ragging so bad, why don't you take your mama's tampon out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole and lick it clean before you shove it up your ''[bleep]''?!
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Hey, stop talking about my dad's ''[bleep]''hole! I'll-I'll leave town, okay? Oh, FYI, that isn't blood, that is strawberry jam, m'lady. The insulation is leaking. All I did was turn the painting upside down. Live with it.
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': Do you think he was right about the insulation? That could be berry expensive.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hmm, let's see. That depends on whether I give a ''[bleep]'', ''[bleep]'' tits! ''[make a fanfare noise]'' Bitch Pudding! BLAM! ''[jumps out the window]''
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': I should really move.

===Snarfer Image [7.07]===
:''[Ticking, cuts to Elmer Fudd in a field]''
:'''Elmer Fudd:'' ''[narrating]'' Time travel has not been invented yet, ''[cocks his gun]'' but in 30 years, it will be. ''[gunshot]'' In the future, TV networks don't awwow cartoons to have guns, so if they want to kill someone, they send them back here to me. My name is Elmer Fudd, and I'm a Wooper. ''[Title Card: Wooper]'' The only wule is never let your target escape, even if your target is you.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': ''[appears in the field]'' What are you waiting for? Shoot me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': What?!
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': In the future, they don't let me have a gun! That was my one dimension as a character! Know what I did yesterday? I slept for 15 hours and then beat it to a Weader's Digest! Help me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': I can't.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': Come on, give it to me. ''[crying]'' Pleeeease. ''[gunshot]''
:'''Yosemite Sam''': ''[appears in the field]'' I'll have what he's having. ''[gunshot]''
:''[Cuts to Porky Pig on the Looney Tunes circles. The words &quot;That's all, folks!&quot; appear in front]''
:'''Porky Pig''': Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-...That's all, folks! ''[gunshot]''

===Up, Up, and Buffet [7.08]===
:'''Fiona''': The spell has broken! This was my true form all along! I can't wait to marry you, Shrek!
:'''Shrek''': Marry you?
:'''Fiona''': Well, yeah! Since we look the same now, we'll live happily ever after!
:'''Shrek''': Fiona, every morning, I look at myself in the mirror, and I wish my mother had the courage to throw me in the river when I was born. Then I make my way to the putrid swamps, the only place on God's green Earth a monster like me feels at home. Sometimes, children gather to scream at me. &quot;Monster!  Animal!&quot;, they yell. Then someone screams, &quot;Kill yourself!&quot; and it takes a few seconds to realize the voice is coming from my own mouth! By then, I've made my way to the old hanging tree. Before I have time to think about it, I'm wrapping a vine around my own neck. It goes &quot;tot&quot; and I pray to the gods that this time, the vine will hold! But alas, everyday, I wake up in my own filth and I lie there and I cry. I cry because I'll live to see my face again! So nay, marrying a lass with a face as hideous as my own is not on my to-do list!
:'''Fiona''':''[with her mouth full]'' Have you tried these mini cheeseburgers? They're great! ''[sees Shrek hanging from a noose, and to Shrek's disappointment, the noose snaps]''

===Panthropologie [7.09]===
:''[Caption: LEGO City, 2014]''
:'''Wife''': Honey, look out! Cliche!
:'''Gerry''': Huh? ''[all screaming]'' What's happening?!
:'''Cop''': Kre-O! They're everywh- Aah! ''[gets torn apart by the Kre-O's]''
:'''Wife''': There's something wrong with them. They look like us but different!
:'''General''': ''[lands in the helicopter]'' This way! Hurry! Your life has more value than other people! ''[the Lanes get onto the helicopter]'' Gerry, we need your expertise!
:'''Gerry''': My expertise? I'm not a soldier!
:'''General''': Gerry, we need a lawyer.
:''[Title Card: WORLD WAR B (as in blocks)]''
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': Put simply, Gerry, we're being invaded by imitation blocks.
:'''Assistant''': Off-brand products with a taste for LEGO blood!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': They're nearly identical but different. Wrong. Like when you sit on your hand until it goes to sleep. You try to pretend Flo from the Progressive commercials is giving you an HJ, but you know it's not Flo. You know that! She'd never be so clumsy, so artless.
:'''General''': That's impossible! We're trademarked!
:'''Gerry''': No, general. LEGO bricks aren't protected by trademark. They're protected by patent.
:'''General''': Hell, man, what's the difference?
:'''Gerry''': The difference is...patents expire! Cool! Someone turned that legal document into a GIF. That's fun.
:'''General''': Isn't it &quot;jiff&quot;? Anyway, how do we stop it?
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': There's nothing we can do. ''[whispering]'' Don't worry, Flo. I'll protect you.
:'''Assistant''': Don't worry, girl from the Wendy's commercials.
:'''General''': Don't worry, GEICO gecko.
:''[Cut to the map]''
:'''Gerry''': ''[narrating]'' They covered the whole globe in no time: Mega Bloks, Kre-O, Best-Lock, CoCo, BanBao, Rokenbok, Super Blocks, and Leggo with two g's, which was especially insulting.
:''[Caption: Lego Headquarters, Denmark]''
:''[Zombies groaning]''
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' LEGO my baby, LEGO my honey, LEGO my ragtime gal...
:'''Son''': Daddy, are we safe?
:'''Gerry''': Of course we are, son. People are singing, aren't they? Ugh. That is the lowest form of music.
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' ...Honey, you'll lose me, then you'll be left alone...
:''[Zombies groaning loudly]''
:'''Gerry''': The terrible singing! They're attracted to the terrible singing! ''[the zombies start climbing over the walls. Gerry knocks out the quartet. Soldiers start shooting]'' Ohh! - Ow! Fire! Fire! They're too fast!-Ohh!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': ''[runs in with the syringe]'' Gerry, I've found a way to camouflage ourselves!
:'''Gerry''': That beats my solution. ''[acts out shooting zombies, and then acts out shooting himself]'' Pew pew! Pew pew! Pew!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': LEGOs are machined to a tolerance of 10 micrometers! That's why we're so expensive! But this serum will make us look cheaper and sloppier! ''[injects himself]'' Aah! ''[turns into a Playmobil figure]'' We look like them now!
:'''Gerry''': I'd rather die.
:'''Son''': ''[notices something]'' What?! They have Transformers?
:'''Gerry''': No, son! No!
:'''Son''': Aah! ''[Bumblebee rips him in half]''
:'''Gerry''': Nooooooo!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': You probably don't even want to go on living now.
:'''Gerry''': Huh? Oh, that was just a kid from my wife's first marriage. But that looked really painful. Hit me with the juice! ''[gets injected]'' Ugh! ''[the serum transforms him into...]'' No! You turned me into a ''[bleep]''ing DUPLO! It's the same company as LEGO, you fool! Aah! Aah! ''[Mrs. Lane and the Doctor run away whilst DUPLO Gerry gets his head ripped off]'' Guys, is this ending working? Let's re-shoot it.
:''[Zombies murmuring]''

===Catdog on a Stick [7.10]===
:'''Executive''': You sure you wanna do a movie, Tiger?
:'''Tiger''': I want to be beloved again, like before I had sex with all those waitresses from IHOP. Jordan did Space Jam. I want my Space Jam.
:'''Executive''': Well, studios aren't lining up to lend their characters to a Tiger Woods movie. Everyone aggressively passed except DiC, but I cannot recommend that.
:''[Cut to the title card for the Golf Jam movie]''
:'''Singers''': Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to Tiger on the golf course]''
:'''Tiger''': Time for a day of playing golf and being faithful to my girlfriend. ''[falls down a large hole]'' What? Whoooooooa!! ''[lands in DiC Land, surrounded by Heathcliff and other DiC characters]'' Ow!
:'''Heathcliff''': Welcome to DiC Land, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[getting up from his fall and waving hello]'' Why, hi, Garfield.
:'''Heathcliff''': I'm Heathcliff. I'm more romantic and have an accent. This is Cleo.
:'''Cleo''': We need your help, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to put my penis in you... ''[snaps back to attention, and looks at the camera]'' I mean, I love my girlfriend.
:'''Cleo''': We brought you here because the evil Dork Punks challenged us to a game of golf.
:'''Tiger''': ''[once again enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to hump your face... ''[flustered]'' I mean, help your face- ''[snaps out of it again]'' Help you, I will help you!
:''[The Dork Punks walk into the shot, as Tiger turns to look at them]''
:'''Dork Punk''': Let's tee off, DiC-heads!
:''[Tiger and Heathcliff look at each other and nod, and we cut to a golf-playing montage. Tiger (now wearing a cap with the DiC logo on it) hits a beautful shot as Heathcliff, Cleo, and a couple of other toons watch. LongArm uses his gauntlet to sink a putt, as Tiger chats up Princess Lana and receives a slap to the face from her. As Cleo prepares to sink her putt, Tiger walks up from behind and starts pretending to hump her. Ja-Kal prepares to take a shot as Armon looks on, but a piece of Armon's gauze is caught on Ja-Kal's club. As Ja-Kal swings, he and Armon both get tied up in Armon's gauze. Tiger is seen in one of the bunkers with Nefer-Tina sitting on top of him, as she unwraps the gauze from her upper body much to Tiger's delight. The montage ends as Tiger is getting ready to sink his final putt, with Cleo and Hammerman watching on]''
:'''Hammerman''': If you sink this putt, we win!
:'''Tiger''': Wish me luck, Bobby Brown.
:'''Hammerman''': Bobby Brown? I'm Hammerman! I'm M.C. Hammer, except not, and I have magic shoes. ''[shows off his magic dancing shoes]''
:'''Tiger''': ''[looks at Cleo]'' You know, I don't even know if I want to save you DiC's. You're just uninspired rehashes of good ideas. Seriously, how cheap is DiC? This is a movie, and you all look like you were drawn on a napkin.
:'''Cleo''': Win the game and I'll blow you.
:''[Upon hearing this, Tiger immediately sinks the putt and wins the game. As the DiC toons celebrate, Tiger unzips his pants and takes a terrified Cleo by the hand into the Pancake House for his well-earned blowjob]''
:'''Hammerman''': ''[rapping]'' Everybody tee off, get a club in your hands, charisma-free sex addict saving DiC Land! Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to black with the bold white text &quot;Golf Jam was rented once from Redbox. The copy was returned on time.&quot;]''

===Super Guitaro Center [7.11]===
:'''Shredder''': The &quot;Channel 6 News Masquerade Ball&quot; is the opportunity for me to kidnap April O'Neil. She's the perfect bait to catch the turtles. ''[surprised to see April's costume]'' Wow! Out of that bulky lesbian jumpsuit, she's hot as ''[bleep]''!
:'''April''': Care to dance, Mr. Potter?
:'''Shredder''': WHAT?! ''[cuts to Shredder dancing with April]'' And, what's your costume?
:'''April''': Belle from &quot;Beauty and The Beast&quot;, but a dick-slut.
:'''Shredder''': Is your favorite restaurant, Taco &quot;Belle&quot;?
:''[Both laugh]''
:'''April''': You are hilarious.
:'''Shredder''': On the count of 3, say your favorite band. 1, 2, 3!
:'''Shredder and April''': Toad the Wet Sprocket! ''[pause, they both kiss]''
:'''April''': ''[feels the blade, and gasped]'' Wait. Are you-
:'''Shredder''': In love? Yes. WHAT?! Bye! ''[leaves]''
:'''April''': ''[realizing]'' Shredder?
:''[Cut to Shredder with April outside her apartment after the party]''
:'''Shredder''': Think of something poetic, Oroku. ''[to April]'' But soft, you are total boner food!
:'''April''': Oh, Shredder. My heart doesn't take sides.
:'''Shredder''': People won't approve.
:'''April''': No one can keep us apart.
:''[They both kiss again. Then cuts to the sewer]''
:'''Raphael''': Aww, Hell to the No! ''[punches a brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''April''': We're soul mates! We both love Toad the Wet Sprocket.
:'''Michelangelo''': Toad the-What?! Is that a sex thing?! Have you guys had sex?!
:'''April''': No. Just dry humping, and ball play.
:'''Raphael''': Ball play?! ''[punches the same brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''Splinter''': You must stay away from Shredder, April. He is dangerous. Sleep here tonight. Donatello, grab the guest pillows.
:''[Donatello grabs pizza boxes which are the guest pillows, and puts them on the couch. Later while everyone's asleep, Shredder comes up from behind the couch to see April]''
:'''April''': ''[gasps]'' What are you doing here?
:'''Shredder''': I came to say &quot;Hi&quot;, ''[lays down next to her]'' and also have sex after the whole &quot;Hi&quot; thing.
:'''April''': It's like Six Flags Hurricane Harbor in my panties right now. ''[they both kiss again. Later, we see her and Shredder outside the manhole]'' Mmm, Mmm. You really Toadied my Wet Sprocket. When will I see you again?
:'''Shredder''': Soon, I hope. I should go before the turtles wake up. Plus, I have some major ExtenZe farts coming on. ''[farts]''
:''[Next morning while April was having her breakfast]''
:'''Donatello''': April, just go on one date with Casey. He's a good guy.
:'''April''': Casey is a jobless loser in sweats! ''[walks away]''
:'''Casey''': Good start to my morning.
:'''[Cut to April with the Rat King]''
:'''April''': So, I left. What should I do, Mr. Rat King? I belong with Shredder.
:'''Rat King''': I have an idea! And my idea involves you taking a lot of poison very quickly.
:'''April''': ''[pause, interested]'' Go on?
:''[Cut to April playing dead]''
:'''Shredder''': ''[shocked]'' It can't be! April?! NO!!!! WHY?!?! ''[accidentally hits April with his spikes]''
:'''April''': ''[wakes up in pain]'' Ow! Ow! Ow! What the ''[bleep]''?! Shredder!
:'''Shredder''': April! You're alive!
:'''April''': The poison only made me appear dead. Didn't you read &quot;Romeo and Juliet&quot;, you ''[bleep]''ing ass clown? ''[gags and dies]''
:'''Shredder''': NOOOOOOO!!!!!! ''[a few seconds of silence]'' Just gonna take my Toad the Wet Sprocket bootleg back. ''[takes his CD back, and leaves]''

===Noidstrom Rack [7.12]===
:'''Picard''': ''[dozing in the captain's chair on the bridge of the Enterprise]'' What's that Beverly? You want Wesley to watch? Hmm, make it so! ''[jerks awake]'' Oh, 2300 hours, time for the night crew to relieve us! ''[moves to leave the bridge, as Captain Jake enters]'' Captain.
:'''Captain Jake''': Capitan! ''[the Enterprise bridge crew file out, as their night crew replacements enter]'' Night crew, maintain course. ''[cut to the Enterprise moving through space]'' Space, the final frontier! These are the 11pm to 7am voyages of the Enterprise's night crew. Its continuing mission...is to PAR-TAY! ''[starts drinking from a beer can as the night crew cheer]''
:'''Night Crew''': Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! [A Borg cube appears on the view screen]
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Captain Jake, a Borg cube is hailing us.
:'''Captain Jake''': They probably want us to turn down our jams...Fat chance!
:'''Borg Drone''': Lower your shields, your culture will adapt to service us.
:'''Captain Jake''': You want us to service you?
:'''Borg Drone''': Affirmative. You will service the Borg, all night if needed! ''[Commander LaFreak sniggers. The Borg Drone looks unamused]'' Wait! Our hive mind has assimilated double entendres- real mature, guys! Prepare for assimilation! ''[the Borg cube begins to shoot at the Enterprise with its lasers]''
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Our shields won't last long, sir! Should we wake up the bald guy?
:'''Captain Jake''': ''[opens another can of beer]'' No way, Commander LaFreak! We'll beat the Borg like we beat that frat on Gallos 7!
:'''Commander LaFreak''': We'll sell naked photos of their girlfriends at a pie-eating contest?
:'''Captain Jake''': What?! No! Like any frat, the Borg share a hive mind, man. If we get one Borg to party, all Borg will party! Night crew, prepare to rock out with our Spocks out! ''[the night crew beam across to the Borg cube]'' Anybody order a partygram? ''[the night crew start playing music and drinking with the Borg drones in the cube. He pulls out a bottle of champagne to a female Borg drone]'' Wet t-shirt contest! ''[opens the champagne bottle on the female drone, who doesn't react even when he douses her chest]'' Oh right, no shirt...you want mine? ''[removes his Captain's jumper, just as the Borg drone he talked to advances on him]'' Whoa, chill out, dude! Wait, is she your daughter?
:'''Borg Drone''': Enough! Partying is futile! ''[jabs Captain Jake with its injection tubes, only to recoil. Captain Jake grins]'' Your blood, so full of beer! Your party, so hearty! ''[grabs a cup of beer from a Klingon night crew member and chugs it]'' Woo-hoooo! ''[the rest of the Borg join the drone and the night crew in partying]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Now this, I can assimilate! ''[he and the drone hug]''
:''[Cut to the Borg cube drawing a giant cock on a planet with its lasers. Cut to an awards ceremony on the bridge of the Enterprise]''
:'''Starfleet Admiral''': Captain Jake, Starfleet thanks you for defeating the Borg. ''[hangs a medal around Captain Jake's neck]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Bitchin'!
:'''Picard''': ''[fuming]'' NIGHT CREEEEEEWWWWW! ''[everyone looks round nervously, until he grins]'' Beer me! ''[the night crew cheer and Jake tosses Picard a can]'' You glorious sons of bitches!

===Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13]===
:''[The Disney Princess Castle is shown]''
:'''Snow White''': ''[from inside]'' Welcome to the Princess Summit, ''[cut to inside]'' where we address the complex political issues facing our kingdoms.
:'''Rapunzel''': Hairstyles.
:'''Cinderella''': Talking pets.
:'''Tiana''': Hairstyles for our talking pets.
:'''Ariel''': Crabs. ''[everyone looks at her in disgust]'' I've got crabs.
:'''Snow White''': Well, isn't that just, um...and where is our newest princess?
:'''Merida''': ''[enters, carrying a dead boar dripping with blood]'' Ach! Sorry I'm late. I killed a boar on the way here.
:'''Aurora''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, you're so feminist and empowered. Great.
:'''Merida''': ''[laying boar on the table and gutting it]'' 'Ey, wee beastie! Have we got to grievances yet? A bunch of wee dwarves are illegally mining me territory.
:'''Snow White''': Oh, Merida, you have far bigger problems. Let me tell you about them.
:'''Merida''': Not a damn song.
:'''Snow White''': ''[singing]'' Here's a list of things to drop;
:Your accent, bow, that tangled mop.
:Fifteen pounds from off your hips
:Those ginger afros 'neath your pits
:And no prince will want to mingle
:With a girl with no hit single.
:''[Cinderella, Aurora, and Ariel hold up gold records]''
:'''Cinderella''': ''[spoken]'' And your pet's hair is a disaster.
:'''Merida''': That's me mother! She's a bear! The trailer was very misleading! ''[holds the knife to Snow White's neck''] I came here looking for justice; instead, I found treachery. Prepare yourself for war. ''[Leaves]''
:'''Mulan''': ''[following Merida]'' Someone finally said it! See you on the killing field, round-eyes. ''[leaves]''
:'''Belle''': Amen, sister. ''[leaves]''
:'''Tiana''': Stuck-up bitches!
:''[Rapunzel follows. The remaining princesses look on. We transition to the next scene where Snow White is preparing her army for war against Merida's army]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, that Merida! I'll show her. ''[out the window]'' Send in my war counsel. ''[a cute Disney-esque bird flies up to the windowsill]'' What shall I do, little one?
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Core that bitch like an apple.
:'''Snow White''': Oh my.
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Weave a tapestry of their intestines.
:'''Snow White''': Okay, okay, I get it, I get it. We need weapons.
:'''Cinderella''': I've got a guy.
:''[The Fairy Godmother appears]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, good idea. We'll fight them with magic.
:'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[laying bag of assault weapons on table]'' Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo, that's twenty grand.
:'''Princesses''': Ooh, wow!
:'''Ariel''': Do you need thingamabobs? I've got thingamabobs.
:'''Jasmine''': Nobody cares about the dildo collection you dredged up from the Atlantic, you fishy bitch. ''[Ariel runs away crying]'' Anyone else have cold tits?
:''[We cut to Merida's training grounds]''
:'''Merida''': All right, ladies. Show me what you've got.
:'''Rapunzel''': ''[whips the practice dummy with her hair, dismembering it, then strangling it]'' I finally found the perfect conditioner— ''[pops the dummy's head off]'' blood!
:'''Louis''': ''[shooting arrows and missed the target]'' Oh, curse these stubby arms.
:'''Merida''': You're an alligator. Be an alligator!
:''[Louis turns to Mushu, who is standing beside him]''
:'''Mushu''': Oh, wait! Don't...!
:'''Louis''': ''[eats Mushu]'' Oh! I'm so sorry!
:'''Mulan''': No, no, it was...it was a good kill.
:''[Cut to Snow White's army, ready for their coming battle]''
:'''Snow White''': Not all of us will live to wish upon a star tonight, but we give our lives for a greater good.
:'''Aurora''': ''[yawning]'' Oh dear, I think I'm getting sleepy. I might have to sit this one out, guys.
:'''Snow White''': Don't you pull that shit now!
:'''Aurora''': Just teasing.
:''[An arrow fired by an off-screen Merida strikes Aurora in the throat, killing her instantly]''
:'''Merida''': ''[with her army at the top of a hill]'' Bring me the scalp and/or weave of Snow White! Charge!
:''[The armies charge at each other]''
:'''Jasmine''': I will show you a world of death!
:''[They meet in the middle, where Ariel, now a mermaid, has brought an atomic bomb]''
:'''Ariel''': Look, everyone! I brought my thingamabob! My weapons-grade thingamabob!
:'''Cinderella''': Oh, you just don't know what words are. That's your thing.
:''[The bomb starts beeping, indicating its imminent detonation]''
:'''Princesses''': ''[realizing]'' Ahh! Run away! Run away! ''[running away from the bomb]''
:'''Sebastian''': ''[pops up from behind the bomb, singing]'' Bend over and grab your ankles!
:''[The bomb explodes, completely obscuring the scene with smoke and ash, until it dissipates, revealing that the explosion has eradicated almost everything, leaving nothing but a barren wasteland]''
:'''Merida''': ''[wounded, trudges by]'' Me mother's a bear.
:''[Tinkerbell arrives, then shoots her in the head with a gun, winks, and leaves]''

===Walking Dead Lobster [7.14]===
:''[We start on a gradient aquamarine-blue background, where the Gullah Gullah Island logo rolls in]''
:'''Announcer''': And now, back to Gullah Gullah Island!
:''[We cut to Ron and Natalie's house, where everyone plays Leapfrog with. Two policemen, one blonde and the other with brown hair, arriving at the front door]''
:'''Ron''': ''[jumps over Shaina and Binyah-Binyah]'' This sure is fun, Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': Binyah-Binyah! Have fun, too!
:''[The policemen knock on the door]''
:'''Ron''': I'll get it. ''[opens the door to show the policemen]''
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Hello, sir. We've investigated a tip. A criminal might be in the area; he's robbed a bank and shot three policemen.
:'''Ron''': Oh, no! Well, there's nobody here but me, my wife, our three children, and our man-sized pet polliwog.
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Yeah-no, no, no, that's a man in a frog suit.
:'''Natalie''': ''[incredulous]'' What?! No, he's just a giant polliwog we rescued.
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Where did you find him?
:'''Vanessa''': Oh, behind an amphibious animal costume shop!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': I'm gonna need him out of that frog suit by the count of three. ''[pulls out a pistol]'' One...
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': ''[raises both arms in the air as the Alstons stare in shock]'' Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Two...
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': ''[scared, waving arms]'' Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Three!
:'''Frogman''': ''[screams and strips out of costume, making the Alstons cover their eyes from seeing his nude lesion-covered body]'' No! Don't shoot!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': ''[still points pistol with other officer]'' Down on the ground, Frogman!
:'''Natalie''': ''[disgusted]'' What's on his skin?!
:'''Frogman''': Sores, you dumbass! From wearing that polliwog costume for four months straight! ''[is handcuffed by the blonde policeman and pulled out of the house]'' Binyah-Binyah! Binyah-Binyah!
:''[The brown-haired policeman clubs Frogman on the back of his head to knock him out, ending the sketch''

===Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15]===
:'''Peter Pan''': Fly with me, to Neverland! ''[flies out of the window with the Darling children]''
:'''Mary Darling''': ''[arrives with her husband too late]'' Children, no!
:''[Scene cuts to Neverland]''
:'''Peter Pan''': These are the Lost Boys. They're not vampires. ''[phone rings from inside a tree; curiously]'' We have a phone? ''[picks up the receiver]'' Hello?
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[on the phone]'' I don't know who you are. ''[cut to him with George and Mary]'' I don't know what you want. I don't know why you dress like...
:'''Mary Darling''': A gay Robin Hood.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Like a gay Robin Hood. I have a very particular set of skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. By which I guess I mean, flying gay Robin Hoods.
:''[Cut to Peter]''
:'''Peter Pan''': Good luck finding Neverland, grandpa. ''[hangs up and leaves]''
:''[Cut back to Bryan, George, and Mary]''
:'''George Darling''': Oh, what's he saying?
:'''Bryan Mills''': He's saying, &quot;Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...&quot;
:'''Mary Darling''': That's the dial tone.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Dial tone? ''[hangs up]'' Well, this is a very old phone. ''[to George and Mary]'' He's holding your children in what I presume is an underground sex club called Neverland.
:'''George Darling''': Oh thank goodness, you do security work for bankers like myself, Mr. Mills, but how will you reach the children? They were flying!
:'''Mary Darling''': I think I heard them say something about thinking happy thoughts.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Happy thoughts, eh? ''[imagining himself in the thought bubble, grabbing Peter Pan and throwing him on a step]''
:'''Peter Pan''': No! No! Please!
:''[Bryan crushes Peter's head destroying his face, the thought bubble vanishes]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': Whoo hoo, off I go! ''[flies through the roof]''
:''[Scene cuts to Neverland, Bryan kills the Lost Boys, except Slightly, who turns around and sees the other Lost Boys dead covered in blood]''
:'''Slightly''': ''[farts]'' I just pooped in my tail!
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[holding Slightly at knifepoint]'' Where are the children?!
:''[Slightly farts again before we cut to Wendy and the mermaids]''
:'''Wendy''': I've never meet real live mermaids before.
:'''Mermaid''': ''[laughs]'' That's so fun! Lets drown this bitch! ''[grabs Wendy by her arms]''
:'''Wendy''': No, please, no! ''[opens her eyes to see the mermaids dead]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[wearing the seashell bra]'' Wendy, where are your brothers?
:'''Wendy''': There! On the pirate ship!
:''[Cut to the Pirate ship where John and Michael are cornered by Captain Hook]''
:'''Captain Hook''': Time for these little chickadees to walk the plank! ''[laughs]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[near the dead pirates]'' Tick-tock, time's up! ''[kicks Captain Hook, who falls while screaming into the crocodile's mouth]'' I'm taking you home, children.
:'''Peter Pan''': ''[arrives with Tinkerbell]'' Not so fast, you old codfish! ''[Tinkerbell flies up to Bryan taunting him, Bryan uses his shoe to squash her]'' Tink! Oh, good luck getting home without her fairy dust, asshole!
:'''Bryan Mills''': Why would I want to leave when my happy thoughts are about to come true?
:'''Peter Pan''': Your what? ''[Bryan grabs him and throws him to a step]'' Oh! No! NO! ''[Bryan crashes his head with his foot before his shadow comes out]''
:'''Wendy''': Okay, but seriously man, how the ''[bleep]'' are we getting home?!
:'''Bryan Mills''': Hang on. ''[grabs Peter's shadow and throws it on the same step]''
:'''Peter's shadow''': No, no, wait! ''[screams as Bryan crushes its head in black blood with his foot]''

===Bitch Pudding Special [7.16]===
:''[Part 1 starts, as a funeral for Granny Graham Crackers is taking place at the Strawberryland Church; Raspberry Parfait is speaking at the podium]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Even on cloudy days, Pastryville always had a ray of sunshine. And her name was Granny Graham Crackers. Remember when she knit your favorite scarf, Black Cherry Pie?
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': ''[caressing her scarf fondly]'' I wear it everyday, Raspberry Parfait.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': And Fudge Turnover, remember when she fixed you leaky roof?
:'''Fudge Turnover''': She got heat-stroke and fell into the hedges.
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': ''[indignant]'' While you watched Tango and Cash on Netflix!
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Yes! While I watched Tango and Cash on Netflix.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': And Buttermilk Biscuits, I remember when Granny drove all the way to the big city to get-
:'''Buttermilk Biscuits''': ''[gesturing towards her neck]'' No. Nope. Mnh-mnh.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Your...tonsils out?
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Yeah, your unborn tonsils.
:''[Black Cherry Pie scowls at him]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': ''[clears her throat]'' Now then if there are no more speakers? ''[no one says a word, to her relief]'' Great! Then, in conclusion- ''[But Bitch Pudding opens the door just then. She looks nervous and everyone else is shocked. Bitch Pudding walks up to the podium, lightly shoving her out of the way]'' W-We were just wrapping up here, Bitch Pudding.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[grabs the microphone and begin to speak in her calm southern accent]'' I remember Granny. ''[the audience is still dumbfounded]'' I remember her smile. ''[the audience looks relieved]'' I remember how much she loved baking sugar cookies. ''[wipes a tear from her eye]''
:'''All''': ''[react happily]'' Ahh!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': But most of all, I remember... ''[giving a angry rant]'' her rank-ass old-lady farts.
:''[Everyone gasps in shock]''
:''[Raspberry Parfait'': ''[facepalming]'' Oh, God.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': This bitch had no sense of smell, no sense of hearing, so all day long, she was like &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbhhhhhht!&quot;
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Okay. ''[chuckles]'' That's enough-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[pushes Raspberry Parfait and continues]'' And when you're a hundred years old, I guess panties are just an afterthought. I mean, raise your hand if you never saw Granny airing out the Ark of the Covenant! ''[while she’s talking, Raspberry Parfait does the hand signal to turn the camera off, but she then mouths &quot;What the?&quot; Everyone gasps and groans]'' I hope Granny is in heaven, but she had a gambling addiction, so Satan might be doing her up the butt. ''[Everyone gasps again]'' Knock twice if Satan's doing you up the butt, Granny. ''[in Granny's voice]'' I love it up the butt from Satan, everybody! ''[in Satan's voice]'' You rule, Granny! Ha ha! ''[begins humping the coffin; the others gasp and groan in shock once more]'' Now hit my ''[bleep]''ing theme song!
:''[Music plays in the style of “The Trooper” by Iron Maiden, as Bitch Pudding walks down the aisles where she steals an audience member's apple and takes a single bite before giving it to German Chocolate Cake and out of the church, where she closes the doors as the title for the special appears. Everyone starts murmuring]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Now, then-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[bursts into the church again, briefly]'' Da-da-da-da! Bitch Puddin'. Blam! ''[runs off; later that night, she is playing a shooter video game, where she is taking out several in-game enemies]'' Yeah! Suck it.
:''[Bitch Pudding's game avatar approaches a villager character]''
:'''Villager''': You have saved my village!
:''[Bitch Pudding's game avatar shoots the villager dead]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': You mean &quot;my&quot; village! ''[a rumble of thunder is heard as Bitch Pudding's house experiences a power outage and the TV screen dies]'' Aw!
:''[As more rumbles of thunder are heard, a mysterious hooded figure appears behind an unsuspecting Bitch Pudding, revealed by the illumination of lightning outside. The figure is seen first holding a knife, then an axe, then a pistol, and then finally a baseball bat, which the figure uses to club Bitch Pudding in the head-she grunts and falls unconscious]''
:''[To be continued...]''

===Batman Forever 21 [7.17]===
===The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's [7.18]===
===Chipotle Miserables [7.19]===
===The Robot Chicken Lots of Holidays But Don't Worry Christmas is Still In There Too so Pull the Stick Out of Your Ass Fox News Special [7.20]===</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147926</id>
      <parentid>3147925</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T00:05:34Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
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      <comment>/* Bitch Pudding Special [7.16] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="45625" xml:space="preserve">===G.I. Jogurt [7.01]===
:''[At the Emmy Awards, a G.I. Joe PSA of Roadblock talking to two children is shown on the big screen]''
:'''Roadblock''': I don't know why a 7-year-old would need to deep fry a turkey, but know you know how.
:'''Children''': And knowing is half the battle.
:''[The PSA ends with the &quot;G.I. Joe&quot; jingle]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Be a Turkey on Thanksgiving&quot;.
:''[The G.I. Joes clap, and Duke kisses Scarlett before he heads up with Roadblock to collect their award, while COBRA Commander and Destro watch on from the cheap seats]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': Look at them, Destro. The Joes churn out pedestrian advice to dead-eyed children, and the public eats it up! ''[mocking the Joes]'' &quot;Hey, kids, don't play with fallen electrical lines.&quot; ''[normal voice]'' Reads like a dispatch from the no-shit clinic.
:'''Destro''': I'll get the nerve gas.
:'''COBRA Commander''': No, you fool. We'll beat them at their own game. ''[clenching his fist]'' We'll create our own PSAs!
:''[Cut to COBRA Commander, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, and the Crimson Twins in the briefing room at COBRA Headquarters]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': OK, OK, let's just throw some ideas out there. This is a safe creative place. Dr. Mindbender, go.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Well, I thought our PSA could communicate an idea non-verbally. I've discovered that painting directly on celluloid creates a sort of &quot;tone poem&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Holy ''[bleep]'', that's sounds terrible. I'm sorry, safe place, but holy shit, that was fucking dumb. Next!
:'''Baroness''': ''[enters the room]'' Oh, I forgot you guys were in here writing. I was just looking for a hammer to hang my degree in screenwriting from Aberdeen. Anything I can do for you while I'm in here? ''[looks at him]'' Destro?
:'''Destro''': She's actually really funny, you guys.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Hey, you lost me at &quot;She's&quot;. ''[Bleep'' it! We're doing it without a script.
:''[Cut to the set of COBRA's PSAs, as Destro supervises, Storm Shadow is having his makeup done by one COBRA soldier, and two more soldiers move a camera. Dr. Mindbender enters the set with a group of children]''
:'''Destro''': Dr. Mindbender, you found four young children for our PSAs.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Uh, yes. ''[puts his arms around the children]'' That is what these kidnapped children are for.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[talking to Storm Shadow, who is reading his lines]'' OK, Storm Shadow, these two children will be running with scissors. Now, this upsets you, and you...
:'''Storm Shadow''': Why?
:'''COBRA Commander''': It's dangerous to run with scissors.
:'''Storm Shadow''': I run with Katana. Is that not dangerous?
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow, I hadn't thought of that. Excellent point, Storm Shadow. ''[whispers to Tomax]'' Get this piece of ''[bleep]'' off my set!
:''[One of the children runs past, giggling while running with scissors, but ends up getting killed by Storm Shadow]''
:'''Storm Shadow''': Well, COBRA Commander, it looks like I owe you an apology.
:''[First COBRA PSA: Serpentor telling children about using supplies only at the post office]''
:'''Serpentor''': So, remember, only take supplies if you'll use them for post office business. Any other use is a felony.
:'''Boy''': Now I'm aware.
:'''Serpentor''': ''[putting his arms around the children and smiling]'' And awareness is the second 50% of the conflict in question. ''[beat]'' Somebody say ''[bleep]''ing &quot;Cut&quot;!
:''[Second COBRA PSA: COBRA Commander tells children about the joys of reading]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': And I think you'll find it's not hard to read when you take the time to sssssssssound it out. ''[both children giggle]'' Oh, yesss, I've got a sssmall ssspeech impediment. ''[both children laugh; irritated]'' It'sss not funny! ''[removes his mask, as the children scream and run away, only for the Commander to shoot them dead]'' Shut. It. Down.
:''[At the next Emmy Awards...]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Star in a COBRA PSA&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[shaking his fist]'' What?!
:'''Destro''': ''[shouting over to the troops]'' Pump the nerve gas!

===Link's Sausages [7.02]===
:''[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are standing in the street]''
:'''Tommy Pickles''': ''[holding his Reptar doll]'' Well, after crossing the freeway, base jumping off a cliff, and dodging bullets in a gang war, we finally found my Reptar doll.
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enters the street, finding the babies]'' Tommy! What are you doing in the street?!
:''[Cut to the Pickles' house]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, thank God! They've been lost for hours! Where were they?
:'''Didi Pickles''': Stu, a word?  ''[they walk into the kitchen, their voices get muffled as they talk with the door shut]'' What the ''[bleep]'', Stu?!
:'''Stu Pickles''': Well, I'm sorry. The babies escaped, and I-
:'''Didi Pickles''': Escaped?! They're babies, you sackless moron!
:'''Stu Pickles''': I was downstairs, working on a new toy, and they just-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, a new toy! Never mind, then!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[tearing up]'' Didi, if you keep ridiculing my work, I-I swear to God-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enraged]'' What?! You'll hit me?! Ooh, you're such a man!
:''[Thudding and crashing are heard as Didi violently beats Stu offscreen]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': Didi, stop!
:'''Didi Pickles''': I'll be the man! See, Stu?! I'm the man!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[sobbing]'' I want a divorce!
:''[The babies look devastated as the screen cut to static]''

===Secret of the Booze [7.03]===
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf shaving his beard in his house]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': I don't usually get involved in day-to-day operations, so I'm smurfing undercover. They'll never smurf it's me. ''[chuckles; takes off his pants]'' Ohh, I haven't smurfed these things off in nearly 300 years! Talk about crotch rot!
:''[Title Card: Undercover Smurf Boss]''
:'''Farmer Smurf''': So, you're my new intern, huh?
:'''Papa Smurf''': That's right, Farmer Smurf. Teach me to care about your sad, little life...I mean your noble and fulfilling, uh, career choice.
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Well, Smurfs are a thirsty bunch, so we got to smurf them fresh milk every day!
:''[A giant caterpillar slithers in and turns onto its side, revealing its udders]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[being filmed]'' We've been drinking CATERPILLAR MILK?! ''[milks the giant caterpillar, his hands getting sore]'' Oh, this is agony. It feels like my hands are gonna smurf off!
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Yep, my carpal tunnel got so bad, they had to fuse my wrist bones in place!
:'''Papa Smurf''': But our healthcare is smurfy, right?
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Eh, my deductible is 2,000 smurfberries.
:'''Papa Smurf''': WHAT?! ''[cash register dings]''
:''[Title Card: 1 Smurfberry = 1.78 USD]''
:''[Scene cuts to the Smurf Hospital. Doctor Smurf packs his medical bag]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': Doctor Smurf, why are deductibles so high?
:'''Doctor Smurf''': Boy, you smurf a lot of uppity questions for an intern. Uh, just treat the next patient while I go for a Jamba Juice run in my gold-plated helicopter.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Actually, I'm not really qualified.
:''[Outside the window, Doctor Smurf takes off in his gold-plated helicopter. Door opens, Smurfette and Handy Smurf enter the room]''
:'''Smurfette''': We need Doctor Smurf! Handy had an accident!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Did someone get a sliver? ''[Handy shows his bleeding hand, missing all of his fingers]'' OH MY SMURFING GOD!!!
:'''Handy Smurf''': I sawed right through a load-bearing mushroom! Half our building materials are fungus! Oh, trade school didn't prepare me for this!
:'''Smurfette''': You can smurf his fingers, right, nurse?
:'''Papa Smurf''': I'll certainly try. ''[being filmed]'' I certainly tried.
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf sewing Handy's fingers while Handy lies dead on the table]''
:'''Smurfette''': ''[crying]'' You can probably stop sewing.
:'''Papa Smurf''': No, no, no. I-I'm gonna get this. ''[walks up to Grouchy Smurf]'' So, Grouchy Smurf, how's the coffee today?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate coffee!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh! Okay. But how do you like working here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate working here.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh, goodness. Okay. Well, is there anything that maybe Papa Smurf could do?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate Papa Smurf!
:'''Papa Smurf''': All right, what exactly do you do around here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I-I hate stuff?
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[puts on his red hat]'' I'm being deadly serious.
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I...I... ''[cuts to him, shoveling dog poop outside]'' I hate shoveling dog ''[bleep]''.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Well, now that's actually an appropriate reaction. Carry on, dog-''[bleep]'' Smurf! ''[leaves]''
:''[More dog poop falls from above, next to Grouchy]''

===Rebel Appliance [7.04]===
:'''Lion-O''': My fellow Thundercats! When danger is near, I shall hold the Sword of Omens aloft and yell out a battle cry
:'''Cheetara''': What shall our battle cry be, Lion-O?
:'''Lion-O''': &quot;Thunder, thunder, thunder, thundercats, I need you because evil is near, and we are friends, and we are a team. So we must come together and fight because the Eye of Thundera is in the sky, and it is summoning everyone together. So please come here Panthro and Tygra and Panthro and also Cheetara and also Wilykit and Wilicat and also Snarf. I think I said Panthro twice. I won't do that every time. Yes, we are the Thundercats. This is our battle cry. I love you guys. You are my best friends, and I am Lion-O and I am a Thundercat, and you guys are Thundercats too. Mumm Ra is not a Thundercat, he's bad and we're gonna win against him, because we are the Thundercats, and the Thundercats are here for you today because we are the Thundercats yeah, I'm Lion-O&quot;. I hope you write that down.
:'''Snarf''': I liked it. ''[Wilykat slaps him]'' OW!

===Legion of Super-Gyros [7.05]===
:''[With Grover and Oscar the Grouch]''
:'''Grover''': Oh boy, it sure is a great day here on Sesame Street!
:'''Oscar''': Yeah, especially since we're the last neighborhood in New York that hasn't been gentrified.
:'''Grover''': Until today, because our special guest is Hannah Horvath from the marginally popular but ignored in the flyover states HBO series, Girls!
:'''Hannah''': Hey, do you know where I could find a cocaine dealer/organic Vietnamese taco truck around here?
:'''Oscar''': ''[Bleep]'' me! ''[gets back inside his trash can]''
:'''Hannah''': ''[feels Grover]'' Ooh, you're so cute! ''[later that night]'' I really love how you don't play games, Grover.
:'''Grover''': Oh but I play lots of games, patty cake, and marco polo...Ugh!
:'''Hannah''': ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jacking off]'' Insult my parents! Oh yeah!
:'''Grover''': Woah! ''[scene cuts to him and Hannah learning about numbers with apples]'' Today, we are going to learn about the number 3, I have 3 apples!
:'''Hannah''': And I know 3 girls who were date raped at the same bar on 6th street.
:'''Grover''': That is sad. ''[Hannah eats the apple]'' Uh...you're eating my props.
:'''Hannah''': I'm proud of my body.
:'''Grover''': I know, I know.
:'''Hannah''': Ugh! Yeah! ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jerking off again]''
:'''Grover''': Oh, God!

===El Skeletorio [7.06]===
:'''Crypt Keeper''': Oh, hello! I was just enjoying the latest best &quot;heller&quot;! ''[laughs evilly, but then rips off book cover]'' This is actually Dan Brown's &quot;Inferno.&quot; It's a piece of shit. Our next tale is something of an &quot;alle-gory&quot;! You might say it's a &quot;meta-gore&quot;! Let's just roll it.
:''[Cuts to the outside of Bitch Pudding's house, where the title of the sketch appears. We cut to inside the hpuse, where Bitch Pudding is sleeping]''
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out. Get out of the house. Get out of the hou-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Why don't you get your tongue out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole so I can jam your mama's ''[bleep]'' up there, you ''[bleep]''-gargling pile of monkey spunk? Nothing to say now, huh?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': There's just a lot to unpack there.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Well, wake me up when you figure it out, ''[bleep]'' stick. ''[goes back to sleep]''
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding goes to her fridge when she sees the chairs and flower pot of her table are now completely deformed]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed, she flips them over and destroys them]'' BLAM! Where's your ''[bleep]''-ass art project now, ''[bleep]'' nut?
:'''Ghostly voice''': It wasn't supposed to be art, it was supposed to scare you! God! Forget it! I'm leaving! ''[cuts to Strawberry Shortcake's house, where she is sleeping]'' Strawberry Shortcake!
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': ''[wakes up]'' Huh? What?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out of the house!
:''[A red substance begins to ooze out of the walls, causing Strawberry Shortcake to scream in fear]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[breaks in through the window]'' Hey, ''[bleep]''ing clown, if you're ragging so bad, why don't you take your mama's tampon out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole and lick it clean before you shove it up your ''[bleep]''?!
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Hey, stop talking about my dad's ''[bleep]''hole! I'll-I'll leave town, okay? Oh, FYI, that isn't blood, that is strawberry jam, m'lady. The insulation is leaking. All I did was turn the painting upside down. Live with it.
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': Do you think he was right about the insulation? That could be berry expensive.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hmm, let's see. That depends on whether I give a ''[bleep]'', ''[bleep]'' tits! ''[make a fanfare noise]'' Bitch Pudding! BLAM! ''[jumps out the window]''
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': I should really move.

===Snarfer Image [7.07]===
:''[Ticking, cuts to Elmer Fudd in a field]''
:'''Elmer Fudd:'' ''[narrating]'' Time travel has not been invented yet, ''[cocks his gun]'' but in 30 years, it will be. ''[gunshot]'' In the future, TV networks don't awwow cartoons to have guns, so if they want to kill someone, they send them back here to me. My name is Elmer Fudd, and I'm a Wooper. ''[Title Card: Wooper]'' The only wule is never let your target escape, even if your target is you.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': ''[appears in the field]'' What are you waiting for? Shoot me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': What?!
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': In the future, they don't let me have a gun! That was my one dimension as a character! Know what I did yesterday? I slept for 15 hours and then beat it to a Weader's Digest! Help me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': I can't.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': Come on, give it to me. ''[crying]'' Pleeeease. ''[gunshot]''
:'''Yosemite Sam''': ''[appears in the field]'' I'll have what he's having. ''[gunshot]''
:''[Cuts to Porky Pig on the Looney Tunes circles. The words &quot;That's all, folks!&quot; appear in front]''
:'''Porky Pig''': Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-...That's all, folks! ''[gunshot]''

===Up, Up, and Buffet [7.08]===
:'''Fiona''': The spell has broken! This was my true form all along! I can't wait to marry you, Shrek!
:'''Shrek''': Marry you?
:'''Fiona''': Well, yeah! Since we look the same now, we'll live happily ever after!
:'''Shrek''': Fiona, every morning, I look at myself in the mirror, and I wish my mother had the courage to throw me in the river when I was born. Then I make my way to the putrid swamps, the only place on God's green Earth a monster like me feels at home. Sometimes, children gather to scream at me. &quot;Monster!  Animal!&quot;, they yell. Then someone screams, &quot;Kill yourself!&quot; and it takes a few seconds to realize the voice is coming from my own mouth! By then, I've made my way to the old hanging tree. Before I have time to think about it, I'm wrapping a vine around my own neck. It goes &quot;tot&quot; and I pray to the gods that this time, the vine will hold! But alas, everyday, I wake up in my own filth and I lie there and I cry. I cry because I'll live to see my face again! So nay, marrying a lass with a face as hideous as my own is not on my to-do list!
:'''Fiona''':''[with her mouth full]'' Have you tried these mini cheeseburgers? They're great! ''[sees Shrek hanging from a noose, and to Shrek's disappointment, the noose snaps]''

===Panthropologie [7.09]===
:''[Caption: LEGO City, 2014]''
:'''Wife''': Honey, look out! Cliche!
:'''Gerry''': Huh? ''[all screaming]'' What's happening?!
:'''Cop''': Kre-O! They're everywh- Aah! ''[gets torn apart by the Kre-O's]''
:'''Wife''': There's something wrong with them. They look like us but different!
:'''General''': ''[lands in the helicopter]'' This way! Hurry! Your life has more value than other people! ''[the Lanes get onto the helicopter]'' Gerry, we need your expertise!
:'''Gerry''': My expertise? I'm not a soldier!
:'''General''': Gerry, we need a lawyer.
:''[Title Card: WORLD WAR B (as in blocks)]''
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': Put simply, Gerry, we're being invaded by imitation blocks.
:'''Assistant''': Off-brand products with a taste for LEGO blood!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': They're nearly identical but different. Wrong. Like when you sit on your hand until it goes to sleep. You try to pretend Flo from the Progressive commercials is giving you an HJ, but you know it's not Flo. You know that! She'd never be so clumsy, so artless.
:'''General''': That's impossible! We're trademarked!
:'''Gerry''': No, general. LEGO bricks aren't protected by trademark. They're protected by patent.
:'''General''': Hell, man, what's the difference?
:'''Gerry''': The difference is...patents expire! Cool! Someone turned that legal document into a GIF. That's fun.
:'''General''': Isn't it &quot;jiff&quot;? Anyway, how do we stop it?
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': There's nothing we can do. ''[whispering]'' Don't worry, Flo. I'll protect you.
:'''Assistant''': Don't worry, girl from the Wendy's commercials.
:'''General''': Don't worry, GEICO gecko.
:''[Cut to the map]''
:'''Gerry''': ''[narrating]'' They covered the whole globe in no time: Mega Bloks, Kre-O, Best-Lock, CoCo, BanBao, Rokenbok, Super Blocks, and Leggo with two g's, which was especially insulting.
:''[Caption: Lego Headquarters, Denmark]''
:''[Zombies groaning]''
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' LEGO my baby, LEGO my honey, LEGO my ragtime gal...
:'''Son''': Daddy, are we safe?
:'''Gerry''': Of course we are, son. People are singing, aren't they? Ugh. That is the lowest form of music.
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' ...Honey, you'll lose me, then you'll be left alone...
:''[Zombies groaning loudly]''
:'''Gerry''': The terrible singing! They're attracted to the terrible singing! ''[the zombies start climbing over the walls. Gerry knocks out the quartet. Soldiers start shooting]'' Ohh! - Ow! Fire! Fire! They're too fast!-Ohh!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': ''[runs in with the syringe]'' Gerry, I've found a way to camouflage ourselves!
:'''Gerry''': That beats my solution. ''[acts out shooting zombies, and then acts out shooting himself]'' Pew pew! Pew pew! Pew!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': LEGOs are machined to a tolerance of 10 micrometers! That's why we're so expensive! But this serum will make us look cheaper and sloppier! ''[injects himself]'' Aah! ''[turns into a Playmobil figure]'' We look like them now!
:'''Gerry''': I'd rather die.
:'''Son''': ''[notices something]'' What?! They have Transformers?
:'''Gerry''': No, son! No!
:'''Son''': Aah! ''[Bumblebee rips him in half]''
:'''Gerry''': Nooooooo!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': You probably don't even want to go on living now.
:'''Gerry''': Huh? Oh, that was just a kid from my wife's first marriage. But that looked really painful. Hit me with the juice! ''[gets injected]'' Ugh! ''[the serum transforms him into...]'' No! You turned me into a ''[bleep]''ing DUPLO! It's the same company as LEGO, you fool! Aah! Aah! ''[Mrs. Lane and the Doctor run away whilst DUPLO Gerry gets his head ripped off]'' Guys, is this ending working? Let's re-shoot it.
:''[Zombies murmuring]''

===Catdog on a Stick [7.10]===
:'''Executive''': You sure you wanna do a movie, Tiger?
:'''Tiger''': I want to be beloved again, like before I had sex with all those waitresses from IHOP. Jordan did Space Jam. I want my Space Jam.
:'''Executive''': Well, studios aren't lining up to lend their characters to a Tiger Woods movie. Everyone aggressively passed except DiC, but I cannot recommend that.
:''[Cut to the title card for the Golf Jam movie]''
:'''Singers''': Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to Tiger on the golf course]''
:'''Tiger''': Time for a day of playing golf and being faithful to my girlfriend. ''[falls down a large hole]'' What? Whoooooooa!! ''[lands in DiC Land, surrounded by Heathcliff and other DiC characters]'' Ow!
:'''Heathcliff''': Welcome to DiC Land, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[getting up from his fall and waving hello]'' Why, hi, Garfield.
:'''Heathcliff''': I'm Heathcliff. I'm more romantic and have an accent. This is Cleo.
:'''Cleo''': We need your help, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to put my penis in you... ''[snaps back to attention, and looks at the camera]'' I mean, I love my girlfriend.
:'''Cleo''': We brought you here because the evil Dork Punks challenged us to a game of golf.
:'''Tiger''': ''[once again enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to hump your face... ''[flustered]'' I mean, help your face- ''[snaps out of it again]'' Help you, I will help you!
:''[The Dork Punks walk into the shot, as Tiger turns to look at them]''
:'''Dork Punk''': Let's tee off, DiC-heads!
:''[Tiger and Heathcliff look at each other and nod, and we cut to a golf-playing montage. Tiger (now wearing a cap with the DiC logo on it) hits a beautful shot as Heathcliff, Cleo, and a couple of other toons watch. LongArm uses his gauntlet to sink a putt, as Tiger chats up Princess Lana and receives a slap to the face from her. As Cleo prepares to sink her putt, Tiger walks up from behind and starts pretending to hump her. Ja-Kal prepares to take a shot as Armon looks on, but a piece of Armon's gauze is caught on Ja-Kal's club. As Ja-Kal swings, he and Armon both get tied up in Armon's gauze. Tiger is seen in one of the bunkers with Nefer-Tina sitting on top of him, as she unwraps the gauze from her upper body much to Tiger's delight. The montage ends as Tiger is getting ready to sink his final putt, with Cleo and Hammerman watching on]''
:'''Hammerman''': If you sink this putt, we win!
:'''Tiger''': Wish me luck, Bobby Brown.
:'''Hammerman''': Bobby Brown? I'm Hammerman! I'm M.C. Hammer, except not, and I have magic shoes. ''[shows off his magic dancing shoes]''
:'''Tiger''': ''[looks at Cleo]'' You know, I don't even know if I want to save you DiC's. You're just uninspired rehashes of good ideas. Seriously, how cheap is DiC? This is a movie, and you all look like you were drawn on a napkin.
:'''Cleo''': Win the game and I'll blow you.
:''[Upon hearing this, Tiger immediately sinks the putt and wins the game. As the DiC toons celebrate, Tiger unzips his pants and takes a terrified Cleo by the hand into the Pancake House for his well-earned blowjob]''
:'''Hammerman''': ''[rapping]'' Everybody tee off, get a club in your hands, charisma-free sex addict saving DiC Land! Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to black with the bold white text &quot;Golf Jam was rented once from Redbox. The copy was returned on time.&quot;]''

===Super Guitaro Center [7.11]===
:'''Shredder''': The &quot;Channel 6 News Masquerade Ball&quot; is the opportunity for me to kidnap April O'Neil. She's the perfect bait to catch the turtles. ''[surprised to see April's costume]'' Wow! Out of that bulky lesbian jumpsuit, she's hot as ''[bleep]''!
:'''April''': Care to dance, Mr. Potter?
:'''Shredder''': WHAT?! ''[cuts to Shredder dancing with April]'' And, what's your costume?
:'''April''': Belle from &quot;Beauty and The Beast&quot;, but a dick-slut.
:'''Shredder''': Is your favorite restaurant, Taco &quot;Belle&quot;?
:''[Both laugh]''
:'''April''': You are hilarious.
:'''Shredder''': On the count of 3, say your favorite band. 1, 2, 3!
:'''Shredder and April''': Toad the Wet Sprocket! ''[pause, they both kiss]''
:'''April''': ''[feels the blade, and gasped]'' Wait. Are you-
:'''Shredder''': In love? Yes. WHAT?! Bye! ''[leaves]''
:'''April''': ''[realizing]'' Shredder?
:''[Cut to Shredder with April outside her apartment after the party]''
:'''Shredder''': Think of something poetic, Oroku. ''[to April]'' But soft, you are total boner food!
:'''April''': Oh, Shredder. My heart doesn't take sides.
:'''Shredder''': People won't approve.
:'''April''': No one can keep us apart.
:''[They both kiss again. Then cuts to the sewer]''
:'''Raphael''': Aww, Hell to the No! ''[punches a brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''April''': We're soul mates! We both love Toad the Wet Sprocket.
:'''Michelangelo''': Toad the-What?! Is that a sex thing?! Have you guys had sex?!
:'''April''': No. Just dry humping, and ball play.
:'''Raphael''': Ball play?! ''[punches the same brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''Splinter''': You must stay away from Shredder, April. He is dangerous. Sleep here tonight. Donatello, grab the guest pillows.
:''[Donatello grabs pizza boxes which are the guest pillows, and puts them on the couch. Later while everyone's asleep, Shredder comes up from behind the couch to see April]''
:'''April''': ''[gasps]'' What are you doing here?
:'''Shredder''': I came to say &quot;Hi&quot;, ''[lays down next to her]'' and also have sex after the whole &quot;Hi&quot; thing.
:'''April''': It's like Six Flags Hurricane Harbor in my panties right now. ''[they both kiss again. Later, we see her and Shredder outside the manhole]'' Mmm, Mmm. You really Toadied my Wet Sprocket. When will I see you again?
:'''Shredder''': Soon, I hope. I should go before the turtles wake up. Plus, I have some major ExtenZe farts coming on. ''[farts]''
:''[Next morning while April was having her breakfast]''
:'''Donatello''': April, just go on one date with Casey. He's a good guy.
:'''April''': Casey is a jobless loser in sweats! ''[walks away]''
:'''Casey''': Good start to my morning.
:'''[Cut to April with the Rat King]''
:'''April''': So, I left. What should I do, Mr. Rat King? I belong with Shredder.
:'''Rat King''': I have an idea! And my idea involves you taking a lot of poison very quickly.
:'''April''': ''[pause, interested]'' Go on?
:''[Cut to April playing dead]''
:'''Shredder''': ''[shocked]'' It can't be! April?! NO!!!! WHY?!?! ''[accidentally hits April with his spikes]''
:'''April''': ''[wakes up in pain]'' Ow! Ow! Ow! What the ''[bleep]''?! Shredder!
:'''Shredder''': April! You're alive!
:'''April''': The poison only made me appear dead. Didn't you read &quot;Romeo and Juliet&quot;, you ''[bleep]''ing ass clown? ''[gags and dies]''
:'''Shredder''': NOOOOOOO!!!!!! ''[a few seconds of silence]'' Just gonna take my Toad the Wet Sprocket bootleg back. ''[takes his CD back, and leaves]''

===Noidstrom Rack [7.12]===
:'''Picard''': ''[dozing in the captain's chair on the bridge of the Enterprise]'' What's that Beverly? You want Wesley to watch? Hmm, make it so! ''[jerks awake]'' Oh, 2300 hours, time for the night crew to relieve us! ''[moves to leave the bridge, as Captain Jake enters]'' Captain.
:'''Captain Jake''': Capitan! ''[the Enterprise bridge crew file out, as their night crew replacements enter]'' Night crew, maintain course. ''[cut to the Enterprise moving through space]'' Space, the final frontier! These are the 11pm to 7am voyages of the Enterprise's night crew. Its continuing mission...is to PAR-TAY! ''[starts drinking from a beer can as the night crew cheer]''
:'''Night Crew''': Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! [A Borg cube appears on the view screen]
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Captain Jake, a Borg cube is hailing us.
:'''Captain Jake''': They probably want us to turn down our jams...Fat chance!
:'''Borg Drone''': Lower your shields, your culture will adapt to service us.
:'''Captain Jake''': You want us to service you?
:'''Borg Drone''': Affirmative. You will service the Borg, all night if needed! ''[Commander LaFreak sniggers. The Borg Drone looks unamused]'' Wait! Our hive mind has assimilated double entendres- real mature, guys! Prepare for assimilation! ''[the Borg cube begins to shoot at the Enterprise with its lasers]''
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Our shields won't last long, sir! Should we wake up the bald guy?
:'''Captain Jake''': ''[opens another can of beer]'' No way, Commander LaFreak! We'll beat the Borg like we beat that frat on Gallos 7!
:'''Commander LaFreak''': We'll sell naked photos of their girlfriends at a pie-eating contest?
:'''Captain Jake''': What?! No! Like any frat, the Borg share a hive mind, man. If we get one Borg to party, all Borg will party! Night crew, prepare to rock out with our Spocks out! ''[the night crew beam across to the Borg cube]'' Anybody order a partygram? ''[the night crew start playing music and drinking with the Borg drones in the cube. He pulls out a bottle of champagne to a female Borg drone]'' Wet t-shirt contest! ''[opens the champagne bottle on the female drone, who doesn't react even when he douses her chest]'' Oh right, no shirt...you want mine? ''[removes his Captain's jumper, just as the Borg drone he talked to advances on him]'' Whoa, chill out, dude! Wait, is she your daughter?
:'''Borg Drone''': Enough! Partying is futile! ''[jabs Captain Jake with its injection tubes, only to recoil. Captain Jake grins]'' Your blood, so full of beer! Your party, so hearty! ''[grabs a cup of beer from a Klingon night crew member and chugs it]'' Woo-hoooo! ''[the rest of the Borg join the drone and the night crew in partying]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Now this, I can assimilate! ''[he and the drone hug]''
:''[Cut to the Borg cube drawing a giant cock on a planet with its lasers. Cut to an awards ceremony on the bridge of the Enterprise]''
:'''Starfleet Admiral''': Captain Jake, Starfleet thanks you for defeating the Borg. ''[hangs a medal around Captain Jake's neck]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Bitchin'!
:'''Picard''': ''[fuming]'' NIGHT CREEEEEEWWWWW! ''[everyone looks round nervously, until he grins]'' Beer me! ''[the night crew cheer and Jake tosses Picard a can]'' You glorious sons of bitches!

===Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13]===
:''[The Disney Princess Castle is shown]''
:'''Snow White''': ''[from inside]'' Welcome to the Princess Summit, ''[cut to inside]'' where we address the complex political issues facing our kingdoms.
:'''Rapunzel''': Hairstyles.
:'''Cinderella''': Talking pets.
:'''Tiana''': Hairstyles for our talking pets.
:'''Ariel''': Crabs. ''[everyone looks at her in disgust]'' I've got crabs.
:'''Snow White''': Well, isn't that just, um...and where is our newest princess?
:'''Merida''': ''[enters, carrying a dead boar dripping with blood]'' Ach! Sorry I'm late. I killed a boar on the way here.
:'''Aurora''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, you're so feminist and empowered. Great.
:'''Merida''': ''[laying boar on the table and gutting it]'' 'Ey, wee beastie! Have we got to grievances yet? A bunch of wee dwarves are illegally mining me territory.
:'''Snow White''': Oh, Merida, you have far bigger problems. Let me tell you about them.
:'''Merida''': Not a damn song.
:'''Snow White''': ''[singing]'' Here's a list of things to drop;
:Your accent, bow, that tangled mop.
:Fifteen pounds from off your hips
:Those ginger afros 'neath your pits
:And no prince will want to mingle
:With a girl with no hit single.
:''[Cinderella, Aurora, and Ariel hold up gold records]''
:'''Cinderella''': ''[spoken]'' And your pet's hair is a disaster.
:'''Merida''': That's me mother! She's a bear! The trailer was very misleading! ''[holds the knife to Snow White's neck''] I came here looking for justice; instead, I found treachery. Prepare yourself for war. ''[Leaves]''
:'''Mulan''': ''[following Merida]'' Someone finally said it! See you on the killing field, round-eyes. ''[leaves]''
:'''Belle''': Amen, sister. ''[leaves]''
:'''Tiana''': Stuck-up bitches!
:''[Rapunzel follows. The remaining princesses look on. We transition to the next scene where Snow White is preparing her army for war against Merida's army]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, that Merida! I'll show her. ''[out the window]'' Send in my war counsel. ''[a cute Disney-esque bird flies up to the windowsill]'' What shall I do, little one?
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Core that bitch like an apple.
:'''Snow White''': Oh my.
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Weave a tapestry of their intestines.
:'''Snow White''': Okay, okay, I get it, I get it. We need weapons.
:'''Cinderella''': I've got a guy.
:''[The Fairy Godmother appears]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, good idea. We'll fight them with magic.
:'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[laying bag of assault weapons on table]'' Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo, that's twenty grand.
:'''Princesses''': Ooh, wow!
:'''Ariel''': Do you need thingamabobs? I've got thingamabobs.
:'''Jasmine''': Nobody cares about the dildo collection you dredged up from the Atlantic, you fishy bitch. ''[Ariel runs away crying]'' Anyone else have cold tits?
:''[We cut to Merida's training grounds]''
:'''Merida''': All right, ladies. Show me what you've got.
:'''Rapunzel''': ''[whips the practice dummy with her hair, dismembering it, then strangling it]'' I finally found the perfect conditioner— ''[pops the dummy's head off]'' blood!
:'''Louis''': ''[shooting arrows and missed the target]'' Oh, curse these stubby arms.
:'''Merida''': You're an alligator. Be an alligator!
:''[Louis turns to Mushu, who is standing beside him]''
:'''Mushu''': Oh, wait! Don't...!
:'''Louis''': ''[eats Mushu]'' Oh! I'm so sorry!
:'''Mulan''': No, no, it was...it was a good kill.
:''[Cut to Snow White's army, ready for their coming battle]''
:'''Snow White''': Not all of us will live to wish upon a star tonight, but we give our lives for a greater good.
:'''Aurora''': ''[yawning]'' Oh dear, I think I'm getting sleepy. I might have to sit this one out, guys.
:'''Snow White''': Don't you pull that shit now!
:'''Aurora''': Just teasing.
:''[An arrow fired by an off-screen Merida strikes Aurora in the throat, killing her instantly]''
:'''Merida''': ''[with her army at the top of a hill]'' Bring me the scalp and/or weave of Snow White! Charge!
:''[The armies charge at each other]''
:'''Jasmine''': I will show you a world of death!
:''[They meet in the middle, where Ariel, now a mermaid, has brought an atomic bomb]''
:'''Ariel''': Look, everyone! I brought my thingamabob! My weapons-grade thingamabob!
:'''Cinderella''': Oh, you just don't know what words are. That's your thing.
:''[The bomb starts beeping, indicating its imminent detonation]''
:'''Princesses''': ''[realizing]'' Ahh! Run away! Run away! ''[running away from the bomb]''
:'''Sebastian''': ''[pops up from behind the bomb, singing]'' Bend over and grab your ankles!
:''[The bomb explodes, completely obscuring the scene with smoke and ash, until it dissipates, revealing that the explosion has eradicated almost everything, leaving nothing but a barren wasteland]''
:'''Merida''': ''[wounded, trudges by]'' Me mother's a bear.
:''[Tinkerbell arrives, then shoots her in the head with a gun, winks, and leaves]''

===Walking Dead Lobster [7.14]===
:''[We start on a gradient aquamarine-blue background, where the Gullah Gullah Island logo rolls in]''
:'''Announcer''': And now, back to Gullah Gullah Island!
:''[We cut to Ron and Natalie's house, where everyone plays Leapfrog with. Two policemen, one blonde and the other with brown hair, arriving at the front door]''
:'''Ron''': ''[jumps over Shaina and Binyah-Binyah]'' This sure is fun, Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': Binyah-Binyah! Have fun, too!
:''[The policemen knock on the door]''
:'''Ron''': I'll get it. ''[opens the door to show the policemen]''
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Hello, sir. We've investigated a tip. A criminal might be in the area; he's robbed a bank and shot three policemen.
:'''Ron''': Oh, no! Well, there's nobody here but me, my wife, our three children, and our man-sized pet polliwog.
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Yeah-no, no, no, that's a man in a frog suit.
:'''Natalie''': ''[incredulous]'' What?! No, he's just a giant polliwog we rescued.
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Where did you find him?
:'''Vanessa''': Oh, behind an amphibious animal costume shop!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': I'm gonna need him out of that frog suit by the count of three. ''[pulls out a pistol]'' One...
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': ''[raises both arms in the air as the Alstons stare in shock]'' Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Two...
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': ''[scared, waving arms]'' Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Three!
:'''Frogman''': ''[screams and strips out of costume, making the Alstons cover their eyes from seeing his nude lesion-covered body]'' No! Don't shoot!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': ''[still points pistol with other officer]'' Down on the ground, Frogman!
:'''Natalie''': ''[disgusted]'' What's on his skin?!
:'''Frogman''': Sores, you dumbass! From wearing that polliwog costume for four months straight! ''[is handcuffed by the blonde policeman and pulled out of the house]'' Binyah-Binyah! Binyah-Binyah!
:''[The brown-haired policeman clubs Frogman on the back of his head to knock him out, ending the sketch''

===Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15]===
:'''Peter Pan''': Fly with me, to Neverland! ''[flies out of the window with the Darling children]''
:'''Mary Darling''': ''[arrives with her husband too late]'' Children, no!
:''[Scene cuts to Neverland]''
:'''Peter Pan''': These are the Lost Boys. They're not vampires. ''[phone rings from inside a tree; curiously]'' We have a phone? ''[picks up the receiver]'' Hello?
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[on the phone]'' I don't know who you are. ''[cut to him with George and Mary]'' I don't know what you want. I don't know why you dress like...
:'''Mary Darling''': A gay Robin Hood.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Like a gay Robin Hood. I have a very particular set of skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. By which I guess I mean, flying gay Robin Hoods.
:''[Cut to Peter]''
:'''Peter Pan''': Good luck finding Neverland, grandpa. ''[hangs up and leaves]''
:''[Cut back to Bryan, George, and Mary]''
:'''George Darling''': Oh, what's he saying?
:'''Bryan Mills''': He's saying, &quot;Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...&quot;
:'''Mary Darling''': That's the dial tone.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Dial tone? ''[hangs up]'' Well, this is a very old phone. ''[to George and Mary]'' He's holding your children in what I presume is an underground sex club called Neverland.
:'''George Darling''': Oh thank goodness, you do security work for bankers like myself, Mr. Mills, but how will you reach the children? They were flying!
:'''Mary Darling''': I think I heard them say something about thinking happy thoughts.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Happy thoughts, eh? ''[imagining himself in the thought bubble, grabbing Peter Pan and throwing him on a step]''
:'''Peter Pan''': No! No! Please!
:''[Bryan crushes Peter's head destroying his face, the thought bubble vanishes]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': Whoo hoo, off I go! ''[flies through the roof]''
:''[Scene cuts to Neverland, Bryan kills the Lost Boys, except Slightly, who turns around and sees the other Lost Boys dead covered in blood]''
:'''Slightly''': ''[farts]'' I just pooped in my tail!
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[holding Slightly at knifepoint]'' Where are the children?!
:''[Slightly farts again before we cut to Wendy and the mermaids]''
:'''Wendy''': I've never meet real live mermaids before.
:'''Mermaid''': ''[laughs]'' That's so fun! Lets drown this bitch! ''[grabs Wendy by her arms]''
:'''Wendy''': No, please, no! ''[opens her eyes to see the mermaids dead]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[wearing the seashell bra]'' Wendy, where are your brothers?
:'''Wendy''': There! On the pirate ship!
:''[Cut to the Pirate ship where John and Michael are cornered by Captain Hook]''
:'''Captain Hook''': Time for these little chickadees to walk the plank! ''[laughs]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[near the dead pirates]'' Tick-tock, time's up! ''[kicks Captain Hook, who falls while screaming into the crocodile's mouth]'' I'm taking you home, children.
:'''Peter Pan''': ''[arrives with Tinkerbell]'' Not so fast, you old codfish! ''[Tinkerbell flies up to Bryan taunting him, Bryan uses his shoe to squash her]'' Tink! Oh, good luck getting home without her fairy dust, asshole!
:'''Bryan Mills''': Why would I want to leave when my happy thoughts are about to come true?
:'''Peter Pan''': Your what? ''[Bryan grabs him and throws him to a step]'' Oh! No! NO! ''[Bryan crashes his head with his foot before his shadow comes out]''
:'''Wendy''': Okay, but seriously man, how the ''[bleep]'' are we getting home?!
:'''Bryan Mills''': Hang on. ''[grabs Peter's shadow and throws it on the same step]''
:'''Peter's shadow''': No, no, wait! ''[screams as Bryan crushes its head in black blood with his foot]''

===Bitch Pudding Special [7.16]===
:''[Part 1 starts, as a funeral for Granny Graham Crackers is taking place at the Strawberryland Church; Raspberry Parfait is speaking at the podium]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Even on cloudy days, Pastryville always had a ray of sunshine. And her name was Granny Graham Crackers. Remember when she knit your favorite scarf, Black Cherry Pie?
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': ''[caressing her scarf fondly]'' I wear it everyday, Raspberry Parfait.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': And Fudge Turnover, remember when she fixed you leaky roof?
:'''Fudge Turnover''': She got heat-stroke and fell into the hedges.
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': ''[indignant]'' While you watched Tango and Cash on Netflix!
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Yes! While I watched Tango and Cash on Netflix.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': And Buttermilk Biscuits, I remember when Granny drove all the way to the big city to get-
:'''Buttermilk Biscuits''': ''[gesturing towards her neck]'' No. Nope. Mnh-mnh.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Your...tonsils out?
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Yeah, your unborn tonsils.
:''[Black Cherry Pie scowls at him]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': ''[clears her throat]'' Now then if there are no more speakers? ''[no one says a word, to her relief]'' Great! Then, in conclusion- ''[But Bitch Pudding opens the door just then. Everyone is shocked. Bitch Pudding walks up to the podium, lightly shoving her out of the way]'' W-We were just wrapping up here, Bitch Pudding.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[grabs the microphone and begin to speak in her calm southern accent]'' I remember Granny. ''[the audience is still dumbfounded]'' I remember her smile. ''[the audience looks relieved]'' I remember how much she loved baking sugar cookies. ''[wipes a tear from her eye]''
:'''All''': ''[react happily]'' Ahh!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': But most of all, I remember... ''[giving a angry rant]'' her rank-ass old-lady farts.
:''[Everyone gasps in shock]''
:''[Raspberry Parfait'': ''[facepalming]'' Oh, God.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': This bitch had no sense of smell, no sense of hearing, so all day long, she was like &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbhhhhhht!&quot;
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Okay. ''[chuckles]'' That's enough-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[pushes Raspberry Parfait and continues]'' And when you're a hundred years old, I guess panties are just an afterthought. I mean, raise your hand if you never saw Granny airing out the Ark of the Covenant! ''[while she’s talking, Raspberry Parfait does the hand signal to turn the camera off, but she then mouths &quot;What the?&quot; Everyone gasps and groans]'' I hope Granny is in heaven, but she had a gambling addiction, so Satan might be doing her up the butt. ''[Everyone gasps again]'' Knock twice if Satan's doing you up the butt, Granny. ''[in Granny's voice]'' I love it up the butt from Satan, everybody! ''[in Satan's voice]'' You rule, Granny! Ha ha! ''[begins humping the coffin; the others gasp and groan in shock once more]'' Now hit my ''[bleep]''ing theme song!
:''[Music plays in the style of “The Trooper” by Iron Maiden, as Bitch Pudding walks down the aisles where she steals an audience member's apple and takes a single bite before giving it to German Chocolate Cake and out of the church, where she closes the doors as the title for the special appears. Everyone starts murmuring]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Now, then-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[bursts into the church again, briefly]'' Da-da-da-da! Bitch Puddin'. Blam! ''[runs off; later that night, she is playing a shooter video game, where she is taking out several in-game enemies]'' Yeah! Suck it.
:''[Bitch Pudding's game avatar approaches a villager character]''
:'''Villager''': You have saved my village!
:''[Bitch Pudding's game avatar shoots the villager dead]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': You mean &quot;my&quot; village! ''[a rumble of thunder is heard as Bitch Pudding's house experiences a power outage and the TV screen dies]'' Aw!
:''[As more rumbles of thunder are heard, a mysterious hooded figure appears behind an unsuspecting Bitch Pudding, revealed by the illumination of lightning outside. The figure is seen first holding a knife, then an axe, then a pistol, and then finally a baseball bat, which the figure uses to club Bitch Pudding in the head-she grunts and falls unconscious]''
:''[To be continued...]''

===Batman Forever 21 [7.17]===
===The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's [7.18]===
===Chipotle Miserables [7.19]===
===The Robot Chicken Lots of Holidays But Don't Worry Christmas is Still In There Too so Pull the Stick Out of Your Ass Fox News Special [7.20]===</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3147928</id>
      <parentid>3147926</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T00:07:59Z</timestamp>
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      <comment>/* Bitch Pudding Special [7.16] */</comment>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="45644" xml:space="preserve">===G.I. Jogurt [7.01]===
:''[At the Emmy Awards, a G.I. Joe PSA of Roadblock talking to two children is shown on the big screen]''
:'''Roadblock''': I don't know why a 7-year-old would need to deep fry a turkey, but know you know how.
:'''Children''': And knowing is half the battle.
:''[The PSA ends with the &quot;G.I. Joe&quot; jingle]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Be a Turkey on Thanksgiving&quot;.
:''[The G.I. Joes clap, and Duke kisses Scarlett before he heads up with Roadblock to collect their award, while COBRA Commander and Destro watch on from the cheap seats]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': Look at them, Destro. The Joes churn out pedestrian advice to dead-eyed children, and the public eats it up! ''[mocking the Joes]'' &quot;Hey, kids, don't play with fallen electrical lines.&quot; ''[normal voice]'' Reads like a dispatch from the no-shit clinic.
:'''Destro''': I'll get the nerve gas.
:'''COBRA Commander''': No, you fool. We'll beat them at their own game. ''[clenching his fist]'' We'll create our own PSAs!
:''[Cut to COBRA Commander, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, and the Crimson Twins in the briefing room at COBRA Headquarters]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': OK, OK, let's just throw some ideas out there. This is a safe creative place. Dr. Mindbender, go.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Well, I thought our PSA could communicate an idea non-verbally. I've discovered that painting directly on celluloid creates a sort of &quot;tone poem&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Holy ''[bleep]'', that's sounds terrible. I'm sorry, safe place, but holy shit, that was fucking dumb. Next!
:'''Baroness''': ''[enters the room]'' Oh, I forgot you guys were in here writing. I was just looking for a hammer to hang my degree in screenwriting from Aberdeen. Anything I can do for you while I'm in here? ''[looks at him]'' Destro?
:'''Destro''': She's actually really funny, you guys.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Hey, you lost me at &quot;She's&quot;. ''[Bleep'' it! We're doing it without a script.
:''[Cut to the set of COBRA's PSAs, as Destro supervises, Storm Shadow is having his makeup done by one COBRA soldier, and two more soldiers move a camera. Dr. Mindbender enters the set with a group of children]''
:'''Destro''': Dr. Mindbender, you found four young children for our PSAs.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Uh, yes. ''[puts his arms around the children]'' That is what these kidnapped children are for.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[talking to Storm Shadow, who is reading his lines]'' OK, Storm Shadow, these two children will be running with scissors. Now, this upsets you, and you...
:'''Storm Shadow''': Why?
:'''COBRA Commander''': It's dangerous to run with scissors.
:'''Storm Shadow''': I run with Katana. Is that not dangerous?
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow, I hadn't thought of that. Excellent point, Storm Shadow. ''[whispers to Tomax]'' Get this piece of ''[bleep]'' off my set!
:''[One of the children runs past, giggling while running with scissors, but ends up getting killed by Storm Shadow]''
:'''Storm Shadow''': Well, COBRA Commander, it looks like I owe you an apology.
:''[First COBRA PSA: Serpentor telling children about using supplies only at the post office]''
:'''Serpentor''': So, remember, only take supplies if you'll use them for post office business. Any other use is a felony.
:'''Boy''': Now I'm aware.
:'''Serpentor''': ''[putting his arms around the children and smiling]'' And awareness is the second 50% of the conflict in question. ''[beat]'' Somebody say ''[bleep]''ing &quot;Cut&quot;!
:''[Second COBRA PSA: COBRA Commander tells children about the joys of reading]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': And I think you'll find it's not hard to read when you take the time to sssssssssound it out. ''[both children giggle]'' Oh, yesss, I've got a sssmall ssspeech impediment. ''[both children laugh; irritated]'' It'sss not funny! ''[removes his mask, as the children scream and run away, only for the Commander to shoot them dead]'' Shut. It. Down.
:''[At the next Emmy Awards...]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Star in a COBRA PSA&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[shaking his fist]'' What?!
:'''Destro''': ''[shouting over to the troops]'' Pump the nerve gas!

===Link's Sausages [7.02]===
:''[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are standing in the street]''
:'''Tommy Pickles''': ''[holding his Reptar doll]'' Well, after crossing the freeway, base jumping off a cliff, and dodging bullets in a gang war, we finally found my Reptar doll.
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enters the street, finding the babies]'' Tommy! What are you doing in the street?!
:''[Cut to the Pickles' house]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, thank God! They've been lost for hours! Where were they?
:'''Didi Pickles''': Stu, a word?  ''[they walk into the kitchen, their voices get muffled as they talk with the door shut]'' What the ''[bleep]'', Stu?!
:'''Stu Pickles''': Well, I'm sorry. The babies escaped, and I-
:'''Didi Pickles''': Escaped?! They're babies, you sackless moron!
:'''Stu Pickles''': I was downstairs, working on a new toy, and they just-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, a new toy! Never mind, then!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[tearing up]'' Didi, if you keep ridiculing my work, I-I swear to God-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enraged]'' What?! You'll hit me?! Ooh, you're such a man!
:''[Thudding and crashing are heard as Didi violently beats Stu offscreen]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': Didi, stop!
:'''Didi Pickles''': I'll be the man! See, Stu?! I'm the man!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[sobbing]'' I want a divorce!
:''[The babies look devastated as the screen cut to static]''

===Secret of the Booze [7.03]===
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf shaving his beard in his house]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': I don't usually get involved in day-to-day operations, so I'm smurfing undercover. They'll never smurf it's me. ''[chuckles; takes off his pants]'' Ohh, I haven't smurfed these things off in nearly 300 years! Talk about crotch rot!
:''[Title Card: Undercover Smurf Boss]''
:'''Farmer Smurf''': So, you're my new intern, huh?
:'''Papa Smurf''': That's right, Farmer Smurf. Teach me to care about your sad, little life...I mean your noble and fulfilling, uh, career choice.
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Well, Smurfs are a thirsty bunch, so we got to smurf them fresh milk every day!
:''[A giant caterpillar slithers in and turns onto its side, revealing its udders]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[being filmed]'' We've been drinking CATERPILLAR MILK?! ''[milks the giant caterpillar, his hands getting sore]'' Oh, this is agony. It feels like my hands are gonna smurf off!
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Yep, my carpal tunnel got so bad, they had to fuse my wrist bones in place!
:'''Papa Smurf''': But our healthcare is smurfy, right?
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Eh, my deductible is 2,000 smurfberries.
:'''Papa Smurf''': WHAT?! ''[cash register dings]''
:''[Title Card: 1 Smurfberry = 1.78 USD]''
:''[Scene cuts to the Smurf Hospital. Doctor Smurf packs his medical bag]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': Doctor Smurf, why are deductibles so high?
:'''Doctor Smurf''': Boy, you smurf a lot of uppity questions for an intern. Uh, just treat the next patient while I go for a Jamba Juice run in my gold-plated helicopter.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Actually, I'm not really qualified.
:''[Outside the window, Doctor Smurf takes off in his gold-plated helicopter. Door opens, Smurfette and Handy Smurf enter the room]''
:'''Smurfette''': We need Doctor Smurf! Handy had an accident!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Did someone get a sliver? ''[Handy shows his bleeding hand, missing all of his fingers]'' OH MY SMURFING GOD!!!
:'''Handy Smurf''': I sawed right through a load-bearing mushroom! Half our building materials are fungus! Oh, trade school didn't prepare me for this!
:'''Smurfette''': You can smurf his fingers, right, nurse?
:'''Papa Smurf''': I'll certainly try. ''[being filmed]'' I certainly tried.
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf sewing Handy's fingers while Handy lies dead on the table]''
:'''Smurfette''': ''[crying]'' You can probably stop sewing.
:'''Papa Smurf''': No, no, no. I-I'm gonna get this. ''[walks up to Grouchy Smurf]'' So, Grouchy Smurf, how's the coffee today?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate coffee!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh! Okay. But how do you like working here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate working here.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh, goodness. Okay. Well, is there anything that maybe Papa Smurf could do?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate Papa Smurf!
:'''Papa Smurf''': All right, what exactly do you do around here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I-I hate stuff?
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[puts on his red hat]'' I'm being deadly serious.
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I...I... ''[cuts to him, shoveling dog poop outside]'' I hate shoveling dog ''[bleep]''.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Well, now that's actually an appropriate reaction. Carry on, dog-''[bleep]'' Smurf! ''[leaves]''
:''[More dog poop falls from above, next to Grouchy]''

===Rebel Appliance [7.04]===
:'''Lion-O''': My fellow Thundercats! When danger is near, I shall hold the Sword of Omens aloft and yell out a battle cry
:'''Cheetara''': What shall our battle cry be, Lion-O?
:'''Lion-O''': &quot;Thunder, thunder, thunder, thundercats, I need you because evil is near, and we are friends, and we are a team. So we must come together and fight because the Eye of Thundera is in the sky, and it is summoning everyone together. So please come here Panthro and Tygra and Panthro and also Cheetara and also Wilykit and Wilicat and also Snarf. I think I said Panthro twice. I won't do that every time. Yes, we are the Thundercats. This is our battle cry. I love you guys. You are my best friends, and I am Lion-O and I am a Thundercat, and you guys are Thundercats too. Mumm Ra is not a Thundercat, he's bad and we're gonna win against him, because we are the Thundercats, and the Thundercats are here for you today because we are the Thundercats yeah, I'm Lion-O&quot;. I hope you write that down.
:'''Snarf''': I liked it. ''[Wilykat slaps him]'' OW!

===Legion of Super-Gyros [7.05]===
:''[With Grover and Oscar the Grouch]''
:'''Grover''': Oh boy, it sure is a great day here on Sesame Street!
:'''Oscar''': Yeah, especially since we're the last neighborhood in New York that hasn't been gentrified.
:'''Grover''': Until today, because our special guest is Hannah Horvath from the marginally popular but ignored in the flyover states HBO series, Girls!
:'''Hannah''': Hey, do you know where I could find a cocaine dealer/organic Vietnamese taco truck around here?
:'''Oscar''': ''[Bleep]'' me! ''[gets back inside his trash can]''
:'''Hannah''': ''[feels Grover]'' Ooh, you're so cute! ''[later that night]'' I really love how you don't play games, Grover.
:'''Grover''': Oh but I play lots of games, patty cake, and marco polo...Ugh!
:'''Hannah''': ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jacking off]'' Insult my parents! Oh yeah!
:'''Grover''': Woah! ''[scene cuts to him and Hannah learning about numbers with apples]'' Today, we are going to learn about the number 3, I have 3 apples!
:'''Hannah''': And I know 3 girls who were date raped at the same bar on 6th street.
:'''Grover''': That is sad. ''[Hannah eats the apple]'' Uh...you're eating my props.
:'''Hannah''': I'm proud of my body.
:'''Grover''': I know, I know.
:'''Hannah''': Ugh! Yeah! ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jerking off again]''
:'''Grover''': Oh, God!

===El Skeletorio [7.06]===
:'''Crypt Keeper''': Oh, hello! I was just enjoying the latest best &quot;heller&quot;! ''[laughs evilly, but then rips off book cover]'' This is actually Dan Brown's &quot;Inferno.&quot; It's a piece of shit. Our next tale is something of an &quot;alle-gory&quot;! You might say it's a &quot;meta-gore&quot;! Let's just roll it.
:''[Cuts to the outside of Bitch Pudding's house, where the title of the sketch appears. We cut to inside the hpuse, where Bitch Pudding is sleeping]''
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out. Get out of the house. Get out of the hou-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Why don't you get your tongue out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole so I can jam your mama's ''[bleep]'' up there, you ''[bleep]''-gargling pile of monkey spunk? Nothing to say now, huh?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': There's just a lot to unpack there.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Well, wake me up when you figure it out, ''[bleep]'' stick. ''[goes back to sleep]''
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding goes to her fridge when she sees the chairs and flower pot of her table are now completely deformed]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed, she flips them over and destroys them]'' BLAM! Where's your ''[bleep]''-ass art project now, ''[bleep]'' nut?
:'''Ghostly voice''': It wasn't supposed to be art, it was supposed to scare you! God! Forget it! I'm leaving! ''[cuts to Strawberry Shortcake's house, where she is sleeping]'' Strawberry Shortcake!
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': ''[wakes up]'' Huh? What?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out of the house!
:''[A red substance begins to ooze out of the walls, causing Strawberry Shortcake to scream in fear]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[breaks in through the window]'' Hey, ''[bleep]''ing clown, if you're ragging so bad, why don't you take your mama's tampon out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole and lick it clean before you shove it up your ''[bleep]''?!
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Hey, stop talking about my dad's ''[bleep]''hole! I'll-I'll leave town, okay? Oh, FYI, that isn't blood, that is strawberry jam, m'lady. The insulation is leaking. All I did was turn the painting upside down. Live with it.
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': Do you think he was right about the insulation? That could be berry expensive.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hmm, let's see. That depends on whether I give a ''[bleep]'', ''[bleep]'' tits! ''[make a fanfare noise]'' Bitch Pudding! BLAM! ''[jumps out the window]''
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': I should really move.

===Snarfer Image [7.07]===
:''[Ticking, cuts to Elmer Fudd in a field]''
:'''Elmer Fudd:'' ''[narrating]'' Time travel has not been invented yet, ''[cocks his gun]'' but in 30 years, it will be. ''[gunshot]'' In the future, TV networks don't awwow cartoons to have guns, so if they want to kill someone, they send them back here to me. My name is Elmer Fudd, and I'm a Wooper. ''[Title Card: Wooper]'' The only wule is never let your target escape, even if your target is you.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': ''[appears in the field]'' What are you waiting for? Shoot me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': What?!
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': In the future, they don't let me have a gun! That was my one dimension as a character! Know what I did yesterday? I slept for 15 hours and then beat it to a Weader's Digest! Help me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': I can't.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': Come on, give it to me. ''[crying]'' Pleeeease. ''[gunshot]''
:'''Yosemite Sam''': ''[appears in the field]'' I'll have what he's having. ''[gunshot]''
:''[Cuts to Porky Pig on the Looney Tunes circles. The words &quot;That's all, folks!&quot; appear in front]''
:'''Porky Pig''': Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-...That's all, folks! ''[gunshot]''

===Up, Up, and Buffet [7.08]===
:'''Fiona''': The spell has broken! This was my true form all along! I can't wait to marry you, Shrek!
:'''Shrek''': Marry you?
:'''Fiona''': Well, yeah! Since we look the same now, we'll live happily ever after!
:'''Shrek''': Fiona, every morning, I look at myself in the mirror, and I wish my mother had the courage to throw me in the river when I was born. Then I make my way to the putrid swamps, the only place on God's green Earth a monster like me feels at home. Sometimes, children gather to scream at me. &quot;Monster!  Animal!&quot;, they yell. Then someone screams, &quot;Kill yourself!&quot; and it takes a few seconds to realize the voice is coming from my own mouth! By then, I've made my way to the old hanging tree. Before I have time to think about it, I'm wrapping a vine around my own neck. It goes &quot;tot&quot; and I pray to the gods that this time, the vine will hold! But alas, everyday, I wake up in my own filth and I lie there and I cry. I cry because I'll live to see my face again! So nay, marrying a lass with a face as hideous as my own is not on my to-do list!
:'''Fiona''':''[with her mouth full]'' Have you tried these mini cheeseburgers? They're great! ''[sees Shrek hanging from a noose, and to Shrek's disappointment, the noose snaps]''

===Panthropologie [7.09]===
:''[Caption: LEGO City, 2014]''
:'''Wife''': Honey, look out! Cliche!
:'''Gerry''': Huh? ''[all screaming]'' What's happening?!
:'''Cop''': Kre-O! They're everywh- Aah! ''[gets torn apart by the Kre-O's]''
:'''Wife''': There's something wrong with them. They look like us but different!
:'''General''': ''[lands in the helicopter]'' This way! Hurry! Your life has more value than other people! ''[the Lanes get onto the helicopter]'' Gerry, we need your expertise!
:'''Gerry''': My expertise? I'm not a soldier!
:'''General''': Gerry, we need a lawyer.
:''[Title Card: WORLD WAR B (as in blocks)]''
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': Put simply, Gerry, we're being invaded by imitation blocks.
:'''Assistant''': Off-brand products with a taste for LEGO blood!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': They're nearly identical but different. Wrong. Like when you sit on your hand until it goes to sleep. You try to pretend Flo from the Progressive commercials is giving you an HJ, but you know it's not Flo. You know that! She'd never be so clumsy, so artless.
:'''General''': That's impossible! We're trademarked!
:'''Gerry''': No, general. LEGO bricks aren't protected by trademark. They're protected by patent.
:'''General''': Hell, man, what's the difference?
:'''Gerry''': The difference is...patents expire! Cool! Someone turned that legal document into a GIF. That's fun.
:'''General''': Isn't it &quot;jiff&quot;? Anyway, how do we stop it?
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': There's nothing we can do. ''[whispering]'' Don't worry, Flo. I'll protect you.
:'''Assistant''': Don't worry, girl from the Wendy's commercials.
:'''General''': Don't worry, GEICO gecko.
:''[Cut to the map]''
:'''Gerry''': ''[narrating]'' They covered the whole globe in no time: Mega Bloks, Kre-O, Best-Lock, CoCo, BanBao, Rokenbok, Super Blocks, and Leggo with two g's, which was especially insulting.
:''[Caption: Lego Headquarters, Denmark]''
:''[Zombies groaning]''
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' LEGO my baby, LEGO my honey, LEGO my ragtime gal...
:'''Son''': Daddy, are we safe?
:'''Gerry''': Of course we are, son. People are singing, aren't they? Ugh. That is the lowest form of music.
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' ...Honey, you'll lose me, then you'll be left alone...
:''[Zombies groaning loudly]''
:'''Gerry''': The terrible singing! They're attracted to the terrible singing! ''[the zombies start climbing over the walls. Gerry knocks out the quartet. Soldiers start shooting]'' Ohh! - Ow! Fire! Fire! They're too fast!-Ohh!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': ''[runs in with the syringe]'' Gerry, I've found a way to camouflage ourselves!
:'''Gerry''': That beats my solution. ''[acts out shooting zombies, and then acts out shooting himself]'' Pew pew! Pew pew! Pew!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': LEGOs are machined to a tolerance of 10 micrometers! That's why we're so expensive! But this serum will make us look cheaper and sloppier! ''[injects himself]'' Aah! ''[turns into a Playmobil figure]'' We look like them now!
:'''Gerry''': I'd rather die.
:'''Son''': ''[notices something]'' What?! They have Transformers?
:'''Gerry''': No, son! No!
:'''Son''': Aah! ''[Bumblebee rips him in half]''
:'''Gerry''': Nooooooo!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': You probably don't even want to go on living now.
:'''Gerry''': Huh? Oh, that was just a kid from my wife's first marriage. But that looked really painful. Hit me with the juice! ''[gets injected]'' Ugh! ''[the serum transforms him into...]'' No! You turned me into a ''[bleep]''ing DUPLO! It's the same company as LEGO, you fool! Aah! Aah! ''[Mrs. Lane and the Doctor run away whilst DUPLO Gerry gets his head ripped off]'' Guys, is this ending working? Let's re-shoot it.
:''[Zombies murmuring]''

===Catdog on a Stick [7.10]===
:'''Executive''': You sure you wanna do a movie, Tiger?
:'''Tiger''': I want to be beloved again, like before I had sex with all those waitresses from IHOP. Jordan did Space Jam. I want my Space Jam.
:'''Executive''': Well, studios aren't lining up to lend their characters to a Tiger Woods movie. Everyone aggressively passed except DiC, but I cannot recommend that.
:''[Cut to the title card for the Golf Jam movie]''
:'''Singers''': Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to Tiger on the golf course]''
:'''Tiger''': Time for a day of playing golf and being faithful to my girlfriend. ''[falls down a large hole]'' What? Whoooooooa!! ''[lands in DiC Land, surrounded by Heathcliff and other DiC characters]'' Ow!
:'''Heathcliff''': Welcome to DiC Land, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[getting up from his fall and waving hello]'' Why, hi, Garfield.
:'''Heathcliff''': I'm Heathcliff. I'm more romantic and have an accent. This is Cleo.
:'''Cleo''': We need your help, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to put my penis in you... ''[snaps back to attention, and looks at the camera]'' I mean, I love my girlfriend.
:'''Cleo''': We brought you here because the evil Dork Punks challenged us to a game of golf.
:'''Tiger''': ''[once again enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to hump your face... ''[flustered]'' I mean, help your face- ''[snaps out of it again]'' Help you, I will help you!
:''[The Dork Punks walk into the shot, as Tiger turns to look at them]''
:'''Dork Punk''': Let's tee off, DiC-heads!
:''[Tiger and Heathcliff look at each other and nod, and we cut to a golf-playing montage. Tiger (now wearing a cap with the DiC logo on it) hits a beautful shot as Heathcliff, Cleo, and a couple of other toons watch. LongArm uses his gauntlet to sink a putt, as Tiger chats up Princess Lana and receives a slap to the face from her. As Cleo prepares to sink her putt, Tiger walks up from behind and starts pretending to hump her. Ja-Kal prepares to take a shot as Armon looks on, but a piece of Armon's gauze is caught on Ja-Kal's club. As Ja-Kal swings, he and Armon both get tied up in Armon's gauze. Tiger is seen in one of the bunkers with Nefer-Tina sitting on top of him, as she unwraps the gauze from her upper body much to Tiger's delight. The montage ends as Tiger is getting ready to sink his final putt, with Cleo and Hammerman watching on]''
:'''Hammerman''': If you sink this putt, we win!
:'''Tiger''': Wish me luck, Bobby Brown.
:'''Hammerman''': Bobby Brown? I'm Hammerman! I'm M.C. Hammer, except not, and I have magic shoes. ''[shows off his magic dancing shoes]''
:'''Tiger''': ''[looks at Cleo]'' You know, I don't even know if I want to save you DiC's. You're just uninspired rehashes of good ideas. Seriously, how cheap is DiC? This is a movie, and you all look like you were drawn on a napkin.
:'''Cleo''': Win the game and I'll blow you.
:''[Upon hearing this, Tiger immediately sinks the putt and wins the game. As the DiC toons celebrate, Tiger unzips his pants and takes a terrified Cleo by the hand into the Pancake House for his well-earned blowjob]''
:'''Hammerman''': ''[rapping]'' Everybody tee off, get a club in your hands, charisma-free sex addict saving DiC Land! Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to black with the bold white text &quot;Golf Jam was rented once from Redbox. The copy was returned on time.&quot;]''

===Super Guitaro Center [7.11]===
:'''Shredder''': The &quot;Channel 6 News Masquerade Ball&quot; is the opportunity for me to kidnap April O'Neil. She's the perfect bait to catch the turtles. ''[surprised to see April's costume]'' Wow! Out of that bulky lesbian jumpsuit, she's hot as ''[bleep]''!
:'''April''': Care to dance, Mr. Potter?
:'''Shredder''': WHAT?! ''[cuts to Shredder dancing with April]'' And, what's your costume?
:'''April''': Belle from &quot;Beauty and The Beast&quot;, but a dick-slut.
:'''Shredder''': Is your favorite restaurant, Taco &quot;Belle&quot;?
:''[Both laugh]''
:'''April''': You are hilarious.
:'''Shredder''': On the count of 3, say your favorite band. 1, 2, 3!
:'''Shredder and April''': Toad the Wet Sprocket! ''[pause, they both kiss]''
:'''April''': ''[feels the blade, and gasped]'' Wait. Are you-
:'''Shredder''': In love? Yes. WHAT?! Bye! ''[leaves]''
:'''April''': ''[realizing]'' Shredder?
:''[Cut to Shredder with April outside her apartment after the party]''
:'''Shredder''': Think of something poetic, Oroku. ''[to April]'' But soft, you are total boner food!
:'''April''': Oh, Shredder. My heart doesn't take sides.
:'''Shredder''': People won't approve.
:'''April''': No one can keep us apart.
:''[They both kiss again. Then cuts to the sewer]''
:'''Raphael''': Aww, Hell to the No! ''[punches a brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''April''': We're soul mates! We both love Toad the Wet Sprocket.
:'''Michelangelo''': Toad the-What?! Is that a sex thing?! Have you guys had sex?!
:'''April''': No. Just dry humping, and ball play.
:'''Raphael''': Ball play?! ''[punches the same brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''Splinter''': You must stay away from Shredder, April. He is dangerous. Sleep here tonight. Donatello, grab the guest pillows.
:''[Donatello grabs pizza boxes which are the guest pillows, and puts them on the couch. Later while everyone's asleep, Shredder comes up from behind the couch to see April]''
:'''April''': ''[gasps]'' What are you doing here?
:'''Shredder''': I came to say &quot;Hi&quot;, ''[lays down next to her]'' and also have sex after the whole &quot;Hi&quot; thing.
:'''April''': It's like Six Flags Hurricane Harbor in my panties right now. ''[they both kiss again. Later, we see her and Shredder outside the manhole]'' Mmm, Mmm. You really Toadied my Wet Sprocket. When will I see you again?
:'''Shredder''': Soon, I hope. I should go before the turtles wake up. Plus, I have some major ExtenZe farts coming on. ''[farts]''
:''[Next morning while April was having her breakfast]''
:'''Donatello''': April, just go on one date with Casey. He's a good guy.
:'''April''': Casey is a jobless loser in sweats! ''[walks away]''
:'''Casey''': Good start to my morning.
:'''[Cut to April with the Rat King]''
:'''April''': So, I left. What should I do, Mr. Rat King? I belong with Shredder.
:'''Rat King''': I have an idea! And my idea involves you taking a lot of poison very quickly.
:'''April''': ''[pause, interested]'' Go on?
:''[Cut to April playing dead]''
:'''Shredder''': ''[shocked]'' It can't be! April?! NO!!!! WHY?!?! ''[accidentally hits April with his spikes]''
:'''April''': ''[wakes up in pain]'' Ow! Ow! Ow! What the ''[bleep]''?! Shredder!
:'''Shredder''': April! You're alive!
:'''April''': The poison only made me appear dead. Didn't you read &quot;Romeo and Juliet&quot;, you ''[bleep]''ing ass clown? ''[gags and dies]''
:'''Shredder''': NOOOOOOO!!!!!! ''[a few seconds of silence]'' Just gonna take my Toad the Wet Sprocket bootleg back. ''[takes his CD back, and leaves]''

===Noidstrom Rack [7.12]===
:'''Picard''': ''[dozing in the captain's chair on the bridge of the Enterprise]'' What's that Beverly? You want Wesley to watch? Hmm, make it so! ''[jerks awake]'' Oh, 2300 hours, time for the night crew to relieve us! ''[moves to leave the bridge, as Captain Jake enters]'' Captain.
:'''Captain Jake''': Capitan! ''[the Enterprise bridge crew file out, as their night crew replacements enter]'' Night crew, maintain course. ''[cut to the Enterprise moving through space]'' Space, the final frontier! These are the 11pm to 7am voyages of the Enterprise's night crew. Its continuing mission...is to PAR-TAY! ''[starts drinking from a beer can as the night crew cheer]''
:'''Night Crew''': Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! [A Borg cube appears on the view screen]
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Captain Jake, a Borg cube is hailing us.
:'''Captain Jake''': They probably want us to turn down our jams...Fat chance!
:'''Borg Drone''': Lower your shields, your culture will adapt to service us.
:'''Captain Jake''': You want us to service you?
:'''Borg Drone''': Affirmative. You will service the Borg, all night if needed! ''[Commander LaFreak sniggers. The Borg Drone looks unamused]'' Wait! Our hive mind has assimilated double entendres- real mature, guys! Prepare for assimilation! ''[the Borg cube begins to shoot at the Enterprise with its lasers]''
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Our shields won't last long, sir! Should we wake up the bald guy?
:'''Captain Jake''': ''[opens another can of beer]'' No way, Commander LaFreak! We'll beat the Borg like we beat that frat on Gallos 7!
:'''Commander LaFreak''': We'll sell naked photos of their girlfriends at a pie-eating contest?
:'''Captain Jake''': What?! No! Like any frat, the Borg share a hive mind, man. If we get one Borg to party, all Borg will party! Night crew, prepare to rock out with our Spocks out! ''[the night crew beam across to the Borg cube]'' Anybody order a partygram? ''[the night crew start playing music and drinking with the Borg drones in the cube. He pulls out a bottle of champagne to a female Borg drone]'' Wet t-shirt contest! ''[opens the champagne bottle on the female drone, who doesn't react even when he douses her chest]'' Oh right, no shirt...you want mine? ''[removes his Captain's jumper, just as the Borg drone he talked to advances on him]'' Whoa, chill out, dude! Wait, is she your daughter?
:'''Borg Drone''': Enough! Partying is futile! ''[jabs Captain Jake with its injection tubes, only to recoil. Captain Jake grins]'' Your blood, so full of beer! Your party, so hearty! ''[grabs a cup of beer from a Klingon night crew member and chugs it]'' Woo-hoooo! ''[the rest of the Borg join the drone and the night crew in partying]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Now this, I can assimilate! ''[he and the drone hug]''
:''[Cut to the Borg cube drawing a giant cock on a planet with its lasers. Cut to an awards ceremony on the bridge of the Enterprise]''
:'''Starfleet Admiral''': Captain Jake, Starfleet thanks you for defeating the Borg. ''[hangs a medal around Captain Jake's neck]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Bitchin'!
:'''Picard''': ''[fuming]'' NIGHT CREEEEEEWWWWW! ''[everyone looks round nervously, until he grins]'' Beer me! ''[the night crew cheer and Jake tosses Picard a can]'' You glorious sons of bitches!

===Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13]===
:''[The Disney Princess Castle is shown]''
:'''Snow White''': ''[from inside]'' Welcome to the Princess Summit, ''[cut to inside]'' where we address the complex political issues facing our kingdoms.
:'''Rapunzel''': Hairstyles.
:'''Cinderella''': Talking pets.
:'''Tiana''': Hairstyles for our talking pets.
:'''Ariel''': Crabs. ''[everyone looks at her in disgust]'' I've got crabs.
:'''Snow White''': Well, isn't that just, um...and where is our newest princess?
:'''Merida''': ''[enters, carrying a dead boar dripping with blood]'' Ach! Sorry I'm late. I killed a boar on the way here.
:'''Aurora''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, you're so feminist and empowered. Great.
:'''Merida''': ''[laying boar on the table and gutting it]'' 'Ey, wee beastie! Have we got to grievances yet? A bunch of wee dwarves are illegally mining me territory.
:'''Snow White''': Oh, Merida, you have far bigger problems. Let me tell you about them.
:'''Merida''': Not a damn song.
:'''Snow White''': ''[singing]'' Here's a list of things to drop;
:Your accent, bow, that tangled mop.
:Fifteen pounds from off your hips
:Those ginger afros 'neath your pits
:And no prince will want to mingle
:With a girl with no hit single.
:''[Cinderella, Aurora, and Ariel hold up gold records]''
:'''Cinderella''': ''[spoken]'' And your pet's hair is a disaster.
:'''Merida''': That's me mother! She's a bear! The trailer was very misleading! ''[holds the knife to Snow White's neck''] I came here looking for justice; instead, I found treachery. Prepare yourself for war. ''[Leaves]''
:'''Mulan''': ''[following Merida]'' Someone finally said it! See you on the killing field, round-eyes. ''[leaves]''
:'''Belle''': Amen, sister. ''[leaves]''
:'''Tiana''': Stuck-up bitches!
:''[Rapunzel follows. The remaining princesses look on. We transition to the next scene where Snow White is preparing her army for war against Merida's army]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, that Merida! I'll show her. ''[out the window]'' Send in my war counsel. ''[a cute Disney-esque bird flies up to the windowsill]'' What shall I do, little one?
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Core that bitch like an apple.
:'''Snow White''': Oh my.
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Weave a tapestry of their intestines.
:'''Snow White''': Okay, okay, I get it, I get it. We need weapons.
:'''Cinderella''': I've got a guy.
:''[The Fairy Godmother appears]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, good idea. We'll fight them with magic.
:'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[laying bag of assault weapons on table]'' Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo, that's twenty grand.
:'''Princesses''': Ooh, wow!
:'''Ariel''': Do you need thingamabobs? I've got thingamabobs.
:'''Jasmine''': Nobody cares about the dildo collection you dredged up from the Atlantic, you fishy bitch. ''[Ariel runs away crying]'' Anyone else have cold tits?
:''[We cut to Merida's training grounds]''
:'''Merida''': All right, ladies. Show me what you've got.
:'''Rapunzel''': ''[whips the practice dummy with her hair, dismembering it, then strangling it]'' I finally found the perfect conditioner— ''[pops the dummy's head off]'' blood!
:'''Louis''': ''[shooting arrows and missed the target]'' Oh, curse these stubby arms.
:'''Merida''': You're an alligator. Be an alligator!
:''[Louis turns to Mushu, who is standing beside him]''
:'''Mushu''': Oh, wait! Don't...!
:'''Louis''': ''[eats Mushu]'' Oh! I'm so sorry!
:'''Mulan''': No, no, it was...it was a good kill.
:''[Cut to Snow White's army, ready for their coming battle]''
:'''Snow White''': Not all of us will live to wish upon a star tonight, but we give our lives for a greater good.
:'''Aurora''': ''[yawning]'' Oh dear, I think I'm getting sleepy. I might have to sit this one out, guys.
:'''Snow White''': Don't you pull that shit now!
:'''Aurora''': Just teasing.
:''[An arrow fired by an off-screen Merida strikes Aurora in the throat, killing her instantly]''
:'''Merida''': ''[with her army at the top of a hill]'' Bring me the scalp and/or weave of Snow White! Charge!
:''[The armies charge at each other]''
:'''Jasmine''': I will show you a world of death!
:''[They meet in the middle, where Ariel, now a mermaid, has brought an atomic bomb]''
:'''Ariel''': Look, everyone! I brought my thingamabob! My weapons-grade thingamabob!
:'''Cinderella''': Oh, you just don't know what words are. That's your thing.
:''[The bomb starts beeping, indicating its imminent detonation]''
:'''Princesses''': ''[realizing]'' Ahh! Run away! Run away! ''[running away from the bomb]''
:'''Sebastian''': ''[pops up from behind the bomb, singing]'' Bend over and grab your ankles!
:''[The bomb explodes, completely obscuring the scene with smoke and ash, until it dissipates, revealing that the explosion has eradicated almost everything, leaving nothing but a barren wasteland]''
:'''Merida''': ''[wounded, trudges by]'' Me mother's a bear.
:''[Tinkerbell arrives, then shoots her in the head with a gun, winks, and leaves]''

===Walking Dead Lobster [7.14]===
:''[We start on a gradient aquamarine-blue background, where the Gullah Gullah Island logo rolls in]''
:'''Announcer''': And now, back to Gullah Gullah Island!
:''[We cut to Ron and Natalie's house, where everyone plays Leapfrog with. Two policemen, one blonde and the other with brown hair, arriving at the front door]''
:'''Ron''': ''[jumps over Shaina and Binyah-Binyah]'' This sure is fun, Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': Binyah-Binyah! Have fun, too!
:''[The policemen knock on the door]''
:'''Ron''': I'll get it. ''[opens the door to show the policemen]''
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Hello, sir. We've investigated a tip. A criminal might be in the area; he's robbed a bank and shot three policemen.
:'''Ron''': Oh, no! Well, there's nobody here but me, my wife, our three children, and our man-sized pet polliwog.
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Yeah-no, no, no, that's a man in a frog suit.
:'''Natalie''': ''[incredulous]'' What?! No, he's just a giant polliwog we rescued.
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Where did you find him?
:'''Vanessa''': Oh, behind an amphibious animal costume shop!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': I'm gonna need him out of that frog suit by the count of three. ''[pulls out a pistol]'' One...
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': ''[raises both arms in the air as the Alstons stare in shock]'' Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Two...
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': ''[scared, waving arms]'' Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Three!
:'''Frogman''': ''[screams and strips out of costume, making the Alstons cover their eyes from seeing his nude lesion-covered body]'' No! Don't shoot!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': ''[still points pistol with other officer]'' Down on the ground, Frogman!
:'''Natalie''': ''[disgusted]'' What's on his skin?!
:'''Frogman''': Sores, you dumbass! From wearing that polliwog costume for four months straight! ''[is handcuffed by the blonde policeman and pulled out of the house]'' Binyah-Binyah! Binyah-Binyah!
:''[The brown-haired policeman clubs Frogman on the back of his head to knock him out, ending the sketch''

===Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15]===
:'''Peter Pan''': Fly with me, to Neverland! ''[flies out of the window with the Darling children]''
:'''Mary Darling''': ''[arrives with her husband too late]'' Children, no!
:''[Scene cuts to Neverland]''
:'''Peter Pan''': These are the Lost Boys. They're not vampires. ''[phone rings from inside a tree; curiously]'' We have a phone? ''[picks up the receiver]'' Hello?
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[on the phone]'' I don't know who you are. ''[cut to him with George and Mary]'' I don't know what you want. I don't know why you dress like...
:'''Mary Darling''': A gay Robin Hood.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Like a gay Robin Hood. I have a very particular set of skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. By which I guess I mean, flying gay Robin Hoods.
:''[Cut to Peter]''
:'''Peter Pan''': Good luck finding Neverland, grandpa. ''[hangs up and leaves]''
:''[Cut back to Bryan, George, and Mary]''
:'''George Darling''': Oh, what's he saying?
:'''Bryan Mills''': He's saying, &quot;Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...&quot;
:'''Mary Darling''': That's the dial tone.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Dial tone? ''[hangs up]'' Well, this is a very old phone. ''[to George and Mary]'' He's holding your children in what I presume is an underground sex club called Neverland.
:'''George Darling''': Oh thank goodness, you do security work for bankers like myself, Mr. Mills, but how will you reach the children? They were flying!
:'''Mary Darling''': I think I heard them say something about thinking happy thoughts.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Happy thoughts, eh? ''[imagining himself in the thought bubble, grabbing Peter Pan and throwing him on a step]''
:'''Peter Pan''': No! No! Please!
:''[Bryan crushes Peter's head destroying his face, the thought bubble vanishes]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': Whoo hoo, off I go! ''[flies through the roof]''
:''[Scene cuts to Neverland, Bryan kills the Lost Boys, except Slightly, who turns around and sees the other Lost Boys dead covered in blood]''
:'''Slightly''': ''[farts]'' I just pooped in my tail!
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[holding Slightly at knifepoint]'' Where are the children?!
:''[Slightly farts again before we cut to Wendy and the mermaids]''
:'''Wendy''': I've never meet real live mermaids before.
:'''Mermaid''': ''[laughs]'' That's so fun! Lets drown this bitch! ''[grabs Wendy by her arms]''
:'''Wendy''': No, please, no! ''[opens her eyes to see the mermaids dead]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[wearing the seashell bra]'' Wendy, where are your brothers?
:'''Wendy''': There! On the pirate ship!
:''[Cut to the Pirate ship where John and Michael are cornered by Captain Hook]''
:'''Captain Hook''': Time for these little chickadees to walk the plank! ''[laughs]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[near the dead pirates]'' Tick-tock, time's up! ''[kicks Captain Hook, who falls while screaming into the crocodile's mouth]'' I'm taking you home, children.
:'''Peter Pan''': ''[arrives with Tinkerbell]'' Not so fast, you old codfish! ''[Tinkerbell flies up to Bryan taunting him, Bryan uses his shoe to squash her]'' Tink! Oh, good luck getting home without her fairy dust, asshole!
:'''Bryan Mills''': Why would I want to leave when my happy thoughts are about to come true?
:'''Peter Pan''': Your what? ''[Bryan grabs him and throws him to a step]'' Oh! No! NO! ''[Bryan crashes his head with his foot before his shadow comes out]''
:'''Wendy''': Okay, but seriously man, how the ''[bleep]'' are we getting home?!
:'''Bryan Mills''': Hang on. ''[grabs Peter's shadow and throws it on the same step]''
:'''Peter's shadow''': No, no, wait! ''[screams as Bryan crushes its head in black blood with his foot]''

===Bitch Pudding Special [7.16]===
:''[Part 1 starts, as a funeral for Granny Graham Crackers is taking place at the Strawberryland Church; Raspberry Parfait is speaking at the podium]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Even on cloudy days, Pastryville always had a ray of sunshine. And her name was Granny Graham Crackers. Remember when she knit your favorite scarf, Black Cherry Pie?
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': ''[caressing her scarf fondly]'' I wear it everyday, Raspberry Parfait.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': And Fudge Turnover, remember when she fixed you leaky roof?
:'''Fudge Turnover''': She got heat-stroke and fell into the hedges.
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': ''[indignant]'' While you watched Tango and Cash on Netflix!
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Yes! While I watched Tango and Cash on Netflix.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': And Buttermilk Biscuits, I remember when Granny drove all the way to the big city to get-
:'''Buttermilk Biscuits''': ''[gesturing towards her neck]'' No. Nope. Mnh-mnh.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Your...tonsils out?
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Yeah, your unborn tonsils.
:''[Black Cherry Pie scowls at him]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': ''[clears her throat]'' Now then if there are no more speakers? ''[no one says a word, to her relief]'' Great! Then, in conclusion- ''[But Bitch Pudding opens the door just then. Everyone is shocked. Bitch Pudding walks up to the podium, lightly shoving her out of the way]'' W-We were just wrapping up here, Bitch Pudding.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[grabs the microphone and begin to speak in her calm southern accent]'' I remember Granny. ''[the audience is still dumbfounded]'' I remember her smile. ''[the audience looks relieved]'' I remember how much she loved baking sugar cookies. ''[wipes a tear from her eye]''
:'''All''': ''[react happily]'' Ahh!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': But most of all, I remember... ''[giving a angry rant]'' her rank-ass old-lady farts.
:''[Everyone gasps in shock]''
:''[Raspberry Parfait'': ''[facepalming]'' Oh, God.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': This bitch had no sense of smell, no sense of hearing, so all day long, she was like &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbhhhhhht!&quot;
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Okay. ''[chuckles]'' That's enough-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[pushes Raspberry Parfait and continues]'' And when you're a hundred years old, I guess panties are just an afterthought. I mean, raise your hand if you never saw Granny airing out the Ark of the Covenant! ''[while she’s talking, Raspberry Parfait does the hand signal to turn the camera off, but she then mouths &quot;What the?&quot; Everyone gasps and groans]'' I hope Granny is in heaven, but she had a gambling addiction, so Satan might be doing her up the butt. ''[Everyone gasps again]'' Knock twice if Satan's doing you up the butt, Granny. ''[in Granny's voice]'' I love it up the butt from Satan, everybody! ''[in Satan's voice]'' You rule, Granny! Ha ha! ''[begins humping the coffin; the others gasp and groan in shock once more]'' Now hit my ''[bleep]''ing theme song!
:''[Music plays in the style of “The Trooper” by Iron Maiden, as Bitch Pudding walks down the aisles where she steals an audience member's apple and takes a single bite before giving it to German Chocolate Cake and out of the church, where she closes the doors as the title for the special appears. Everyone starts murmuring]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Now, then-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[bursts into the church again, briefly]'' Da-da-da-da! Bitch Puddin'. Blam! ''[runs off; later that night, she is playing a shooter video game, where she is taking out several in-game enemies]'' Yeah! Suck it.
:''[Bitch Pudding's game avatar approaches a villager character]''
:'''Villager''': You have saved my village!
:''[Bitch Pudding's game avatar shoots the villager dead]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': You mean &quot;my&quot; village! ''[a rumble of thunder is heard as Bitch Pudding's house experiences a power outage and the TV screen dies]'' Aw!
:''[As more rumbles of thunder are heard, a mysterious hooded figure appears behind an unsuspecting Bitch Pudding, revealed by the illumination of lightning outside. The figure is seen first holding a knife, then an axe, then a pistol, and then finally a baseball bat, which the figure uses to club Bitch Pudding in the head-she grunts and falls unconscious]''
:''[To be continued...]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

===Batman Forever 21 [7.17]===
===The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's [7.18]===
===Chipotle Miserables [7.19]===
===The Robot Chicken Lots of Holidays But Don't Worry Christmas is Still In There Too so Pull the Stick Out of Your Ass Fox News Special [7.20]===</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147952</id>
      <parentid>3147928</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T01:05:44Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Bitch Pudding Special [7.16] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="50714" xml:space="preserve">===G.I. Jogurt [7.01]===
:''[At the Emmy Awards, a G.I. Joe PSA of Roadblock talking to two children is shown on the big screen]''
:'''Roadblock''': I don't know why a 7-year-old would need to deep fry a turkey, but know you know how.
:'''Children''': And knowing is half the battle.
:''[The PSA ends with the &quot;G.I. Joe&quot; jingle]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Be a Turkey on Thanksgiving&quot;.
:''[The G.I. Joes clap, and Duke kisses Scarlett before he heads up with Roadblock to collect their award, while COBRA Commander and Destro watch on from the cheap seats]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': Look at them, Destro. The Joes churn out pedestrian advice to dead-eyed children, and the public eats it up! ''[mocking the Joes]'' &quot;Hey, kids, don't play with fallen electrical lines.&quot; ''[normal voice]'' Reads like a dispatch from the no-shit clinic.
:'''Destro''': I'll get the nerve gas.
:'''COBRA Commander''': No, you fool. We'll beat them at their own game. ''[clenching his fist]'' We'll create our own PSAs!
:''[Cut to COBRA Commander, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, and the Crimson Twins in the briefing room at COBRA Headquarters]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': OK, OK, let's just throw some ideas out there. This is a safe creative place. Dr. Mindbender, go.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Well, I thought our PSA could communicate an idea non-verbally. I've discovered that painting directly on celluloid creates a sort of &quot;tone poem&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Holy ''[bleep]'', that's sounds terrible. I'm sorry, safe place, but holy shit, that was fucking dumb. Next!
:'''Baroness''': ''[enters the room]'' Oh, I forgot you guys were in here writing. I was just looking for a hammer to hang my degree in screenwriting from Aberdeen. Anything I can do for you while I'm in here? ''[looks at him]'' Destro?
:'''Destro''': She's actually really funny, you guys.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Hey, you lost me at &quot;She's&quot;. ''[Bleep'' it! We're doing it without a script.
:''[Cut to the set of COBRA's PSAs, as Destro supervises, Storm Shadow is having his makeup done by one COBRA soldier, and two more soldiers move a camera. Dr. Mindbender enters the set with a group of children]''
:'''Destro''': Dr. Mindbender, you found four young children for our PSAs.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Uh, yes. ''[puts his arms around the children]'' That is what these kidnapped children are for.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[talking to Storm Shadow, who is reading his lines]'' OK, Storm Shadow, these two children will be running with scissors. Now, this upsets you, and you...
:'''Storm Shadow''': Why?
:'''COBRA Commander''': It's dangerous to run with scissors.
:'''Storm Shadow''': I run with Katana. Is that not dangerous?
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow, I hadn't thought of that. Excellent point, Storm Shadow. ''[whispers to Tomax]'' Get this piece of ''[bleep]'' off my set!
:''[One of the children runs past, giggling while running with scissors, but ends up getting killed by Storm Shadow]''
:'''Storm Shadow''': Well, COBRA Commander, it looks like I owe you an apology.
:''[First COBRA PSA: Serpentor telling children about using supplies only at the post office]''
:'''Serpentor''': So, remember, only take supplies if you'll use them for post office business. Any other use is a felony.
:'''Boy''': Now I'm aware.
:'''Serpentor''': ''[putting his arms around the children and smiling]'' And awareness is the second 50% of the conflict in question. ''[beat]'' Somebody say ''[bleep]''ing &quot;Cut&quot;!
:''[Second COBRA PSA: COBRA Commander tells children about the joys of reading]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': And I think you'll find it's not hard to read when you take the time to sssssssssound it out. ''[both children giggle]'' Oh, yesss, I've got a sssmall ssspeech impediment. ''[both children laugh; irritated]'' It'sss not funny! ''[removes his mask, as the children scream and run away, only for the Commander to shoot them dead]'' Shut. It. Down.
:''[At the next Emmy Awards...]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Star in a COBRA PSA&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[shaking his fist]'' What?!
:'''Destro''': ''[shouting over to the troops]'' Pump the nerve gas!

===Link's Sausages [7.02]===
:''[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are standing in the street]''
:'''Tommy Pickles''': ''[holding his Reptar doll]'' Well, after crossing the freeway, base jumping off a cliff, and dodging bullets in a gang war, we finally found my Reptar doll.
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enters the street, finding the babies]'' Tommy! What are you doing in the street?!
:''[Cut to the Pickles' house]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, thank God! They've been lost for hours! Where were they?
:'''Didi Pickles''': Stu, a word?  ''[they walk into the kitchen, their voices get muffled as they talk with the door shut]'' What the ''[bleep]'', Stu?!
:'''Stu Pickles''': Well, I'm sorry. The babies escaped, and I-
:'''Didi Pickles''': Escaped?! They're babies, you sackless moron!
:'''Stu Pickles''': I was downstairs, working on a new toy, and they just-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, a new toy! Never mind, then!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[tearing up]'' Didi, if you keep ridiculing my work, I-I swear to God-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enraged]'' What?! You'll hit me?! Ooh, you're such a man!
:''[Thudding and crashing are heard as Didi violently beats Stu offscreen]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': Didi, stop!
:'''Didi Pickles''': I'll be the man! See, Stu?! I'm the man!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[sobbing]'' I want a divorce!
:''[The babies look devastated as the screen cut to static]''

===Secret of the Booze [7.03]===
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf shaving his beard in his house]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': I don't usually get involved in day-to-day operations, so I'm smurfing undercover. They'll never smurf it's me. ''[chuckles; takes off his pants]'' Ohh, I haven't smurfed these things off in nearly 300 years! Talk about crotch rot!
:''[Title Card: Undercover Smurf Boss]''
:'''Farmer Smurf''': So, you're my new intern, huh?
:'''Papa Smurf''': That's right, Farmer Smurf. Teach me to care about your sad, little life...I mean your noble and fulfilling, uh, career choice.
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Well, Smurfs are a thirsty bunch, so we got to smurf them fresh milk every day!
:''[A giant caterpillar slithers in and turns onto its side, revealing its udders]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[being filmed]'' We've been drinking CATERPILLAR MILK?! ''[milks the giant caterpillar, his hands getting sore]'' Oh, this is agony. It feels like my hands are gonna smurf off!
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Yep, my carpal tunnel got so bad, they had to fuse my wrist bones in place!
:'''Papa Smurf''': But our healthcare is smurfy, right?
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Eh, my deductible is 2,000 smurfberries.
:'''Papa Smurf''': WHAT?! ''[cash register dings]''
:''[Title Card: 1 Smurfberry = 1.78 USD]''
:''[Scene cuts to the Smurf Hospital. Doctor Smurf packs his medical bag]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': Doctor Smurf, why are deductibles so high?
:'''Doctor Smurf''': Boy, you smurf a lot of uppity questions for an intern. Uh, just treat the next patient while I go for a Jamba Juice run in my gold-plated helicopter.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Actually, I'm not really qualified.
:''[Outside the window, Doctor Smurf takes off in his gold-plated helicopter. Door opens, Smurfette and Handy Smurf enter the room]''
:'''Smurfette''': We need Doctor Smurf! Handy had an accident!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Did someone get a sliver? ''[Handy shows his bleeding hand, missing all of his fingers]'' OH MY SMURFING GOD!!!
:'''Handy Smurf''': I sawed right through a load-bearing mushroom! Half our building materials are fungus! Oh, trade school didn't prepare me for this!
:'''Smurfette''': You can smurf his fingers, right, nurse?
:'''Papa Smurf''': I'll certainly try. ''[being filmed]'' I certainly tried.
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf sewing Handy's fingers while Handy lies dead on the table]''
:'''Smurfette''': ''[crying]'' You can probably stop sewing.
:'''Papa Smurf''': No, no, no. I-I'm gonna get this. ''[walks up to Grouchy Smurf]'' So, Grouchy Smurf, how's the coffee today?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate coffee!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh! Okay. But how do you like working here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate working here.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh, goodness. Okay. Well, is there anything that maybe Papa Smurf could do?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate Papa Smurf!
:'''Papa Smurf''': All right, what exactly do you do around here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I-I hate stuff?
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[puts on his red hat]'' I'm being deadly serious.
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I...I... ''[cuts to him, shoveling dog poop outside]'' I hate shoveling dog ''[bleep]''.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Well, now that's actually an appropriate reaction. Carry on, dog-''[bleep]'' Smurf! ''[leaves]''
:''[More dog poop falls from above, next to Grouchy]''

===Rebel Appliance [7.04]===
:'''Lion-O''': My fellow Thundercats! When danger is near, I shall hold the Sword of Omens aloft and yell out a battle cry
:'''Cheetara''': What shall our battle cry be, Lion-O?
:'''Lion-O''': &quot;Thunder, thunder, thunder, thundercats, I need you because evil is near, and we are friends, and we are a team. So we must come together and fight because the Eye of Thundera is in the sky, and it is summoning everyone together. So please come here Panthro and Tygra and Panthro and also Cheetara and also Wilykit and Wilicat and also Snarf. I think I said Panthro twice. I won't do that every time. Yes, we are the Thundercats. This is our battle cry. I love you guys. You are my best friends, and I am Lion-O and I am a Thundercat, and you guys are Thundercats too. Mumm Ra is not a Thundercat, he's bad and we're gonna win against him, because we are the Thundercats, and the Thundercats are here for you today because we are the Thundercats yeah, I'm Lion-O&quot;. I hope you write that down.
:'''Snarf''': I liked it. ''[Wilykat slaps him]'' OW!

===Legion of Super-Gyros [7.05]===
:''[With Grover and Oscar the Grouch]''
:'''Grover''': Oh boy, it sure is a great day here on Sesame Street!
:'''Oscar''': Yeah, especially since we're the last neighborhood in New York that hasn't been gentrified.
:'''Grover''': Until today, because our special guest is Hannah Horvath from the marginally popular but ignored in the flyover states HBO series, Girls!
:'''Hannah''': Hey, do you know where I could find a cocaine dealer/organic Vietnamese taco truck around here?
:'''Oscar''': ''[Bleep]'' me! ''[gets back inside his trash can]''
:'''Hannah''': ''[feels Grover]'' Ooh, you're so cute! ''[later that night]'' I really love how you don't play games, Grover.
:'''Grover''': Oh but I play lots of games, patty cake, and marco polo...Ugh!
:'''Hannah''': ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jacking off]'' Insult my parents! Oh yeah!
:'''Grover''': Woah! ''[scene cuts to him and Hannah learning about numbers with apples]'' Today, we are going to learn about the number 3, I have 3 apples!
:'''Hannah''': And I know 3 girls who were date raped at the same bar on 6th street.
:'''Grover''': That is sad. ''[Hannah eats the apple]'' Uh...you're eating my props.
:'''Hannah''': I'm proud of my body.
:'''Grover''': I know, I know.
:'''Hannah''': Ugh! Yeah! ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jerking off again]''
:'''Grover''': Oh, God!

===El Skeletorio [7.06]===
:'''Crypt Keeper''': Oh, hello! I was just enjoying the latest best &quot;heller&quot;! ''[laughs evilly, but then rips off book cover]'' This is actually Dan Brown's &quot;Inferno.&quot; It's a piece of shit. Our next tale is something of an &quot;alle-gory&quot;! You might say it's a &quot;meta-gore&quot;! Let's just roll it.
:''[Cuts to the outside of Bitch Pudding's house, where the title of the sketch appears. We cut to inside the hpuse, where Bitch Pudding is sleeping]''
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out. Get out of the house. Get out of the hou-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Why don't you get your tongue out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole so I can jam your mama's ''[bleep]'' up there, you ''[bleep]''-gargling pile of monkey spunk? Nothing to say now, huh?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': There's just a lot to unpack there.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Well, wake me up when you figure it out, ''[bleep]'' stick. ''[goes back to sleep]''
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding goes to her fridge when she sees the chairs and flower pot of her table are now completely deformed]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed, she flips them over and destroys them]'' BLAM! Where's your ''[bleep]''-ass art project now, ''[bleep]'' nut?
:'''Ghostly voice''': It wasn't supposed to be art, it was supposed to scare you! God! Forget it! I'm leaving! ''[cuts to Strawberry Shortcake's house, where she is sleeping]'' Strawberry Shortcake!
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': ''[wakes up]'' Huh? What?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out of the house!
:''[A red substance begins to ooze out of the walls, causing Strawberry Shortcake to scream in fear]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[breaks in through the window]'' Hey, ''[bleep]''ing clown, if you're ragging so bad, why don't you take your mama's tampon out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole and lick it clean before you shove it up your ''[bleep]''?!
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Hey, stop talking about my dad's ''[bleep]''hole! I'll-I'll leave town, okay? Oh, FYI, that isn't blood, that is strawberry jam, m'lady. The insulation is leaking. All I did was turn the painting upside down. Live with it.
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': Do you think he was right about the insulation? That could be berry expensive.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hmm, let's see. That depends on whether I give a ''[bleep]'', ''[bleep]'' tits! ''[make a fanfare noise]'' Bitch Pudding! BLAM! ''[jumps out the window]''
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': I should really move.

===Snarfer Image [7.07]===
:''[Ticking, cuts to Elmer Fudd in a field]''
:'''Elmer Fudd:'' ''[narrating]'' Time travel has not been invented yet, ''[cocks his gun]'' but in 30 years, it will be. ''[gunshot]'' In the future, TV networks don't awwow cartoons to have guns, so if they want to kill someone, they send them back here to me. My name is Elmer Fudd, and I'm a Wooper. ''[Title Card: Wooper]'' The only wule is never let your target escape, even if your target is you.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': ''[appears in the field]'' What are you waiting for? Shoot me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': What?!
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': In the future, they don't let me have a gun! That was my one dimension as a character! Know what I did yesterday? I slept for 15 hours and then beat it to a Weader's Digest! Help me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': I can't.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': Come on, give it to me. ''[crying]'' Pleeeease. ''[gunshot]''
:'''Yosemite Sam''': ''[appears in the field]'' I'll have what he's having. ''[gunshot]''
:''[Cuts to Porky Pig on the Looney Tunes circles. The words &quot;That's all, folks!&quot; appear in front]''
:'''Porky Pig''': Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-...That's all, folks! ''[gunshot]''

===Up, Up, and Buffet [7.08]===
:'''Fiona''': The spell has broken! This was my true form all along! I can't wait to marry you, Shrek!
:'''Shrek''': Marry you?
:'''Fiona''': Well, yeah! Since we look the same now, we'll live happily ever after!
:'''Shrek''': Fiona, every morning, I look at myself in the mirror, and I wish my mother had the courage to throw me in the river when I was born. Then I make my way to the putrid swamps, the only place on God's green Earth a monster like me feels at home. Sometimes, children gather to scream at me. &quot;Monster!  Animal!&quot;, they yell. Then someone screams, &quot;Kill yourself!&quot; and it takes a few seconds to realize the voice is coming from my own mouth! By then, I've made my way to the old hanging tree. Before I have time to think about it, I'm wrapping a vine around my own neck. It goes &quot;tot&quot; and I pray to the gods that this time, the vine will hold! But alas, everyday, I wake up in my own filth and I lie there and I cry. I cry because I'll live to see my face again! So nay, marrying a lass with a face as hideous as my own is not on my to-do list!
:'''Fiona''':''[with her mouth full]'' Have you tried these mini cheeseburgers? They're great! ''[sees Shrek hanging from a noose, and to Shrek's disappointment, the noose snaps]''

===Panthropologie [7.09]===
:''[Caption: LEGO City, 2014]''
:'''Wife''': Honey, look out! Cliche!
:'''Gerry''': Huh? ''[all screaming]'' What's happening?!
:'''Cop''': Kre-O! They're everywh- Aah! ''[gets torn apart by the Kre-O's]''
:'''Wife''': There's something wrong with them. They look like us but different!
:'''General''': ''[lands in the helicopter]'' This way! Hurry! Your life has more value than other people! ''[the Lanes get onto the helicopter]'' Gerry, we need your expertise!
:'''Gerry''': My expertise? I'm not a soldier!
:'''General''': Gerry, we need a lawyer.
:''[Title Card: WORLD WAR B (as in blocks)]''
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': Put simply, Gerry, we're being invaded by imitation blocks.
:'''Assistant''': Off-brand products with a taste for LEGO blood!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': They're nearly identical but different. Wrong. Like when you sit on your hand until it goes to sleep. You try to pretend Flo from the Progressive commercials is giving you an HJ, but you know it's not Flo. You know that! She'd never be so clumsy, so artless.
:'''General''': That's impossible! We're trademarked!
:'''Gerry''': No, general. LEGO bricks aren't protected by trademark. They're protected by patent.
:'''General''': Hell, man, what's the difference?
:'''Gerry''': The difference is...patents expire! Cool! Someone turned that legal document into a GIF. That's fun.
:'''General''': Isn't it &quot;jiff&quot;? Anyway, how do we stop it?
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': There's nothing we can do. ''[whispering]'' Don't worry, Flo. I'll protect you.
:'''Assistant''': Don't worry, girl from the Wendy's commercials.
:'''General''': Don't worry, GEICO gecko.
:''[Cut to the map]''
:'''Gerry''': ''[narrating]'' They covered the whole globe in no time: Mega Bloks, Kre-O, Best-Lock, CoCo, BanBao, Rokenbok, Super Blocks, and Leggo with two g's, which was especially insulting.
:''[Caption: Lego Headquarters, Denmark]''
:''[Zombies groaning]''
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' LEGO my baby, LEGO my honey, LEGO my ragtime gal...
:'''Son''': Daddy, are we safe?
:'''Gerry''': Of course we are, son. People are singing, aren't they? Ugh. That is the lowest form of music.
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' ...Honey, you'll lose me, then you'll be left alone...
:''[Zombies groaning loudly]''
:'''Gerry''': The terrible singing! They're attracted to the terrible singing! ''[the zombies start climbing over the walls. Gerry knocks out the quartet. Soldiers start shooting]'' Ohh! - Ow! Fire! Fire! They're too fast!-Ohh!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': ''[runs in with the syringe]'' Gerry, I've found a way to camouflage ourselves!
:'''Gerry''': That beats my solution. ''[acts out shooting zombies, and then acts out shooting himself]'' Pew pew! Pew pew! Pew!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': LEGOs are machined to a tolerance of 10 micrometers! That's why we're so expensive! But this serum will make us look cheaper and sloppier! ''[injects himself]'' Aah! ''[turns into a Playmobil figure]'' We look like them now!
:'''Gerry''': I'd rather die.
:'''Son''': ''[notices something]'' What?! They have Transformers?
:'''Gerry''': No, son! No!
:'''Son''': Aah! ''[Bumblebee rips him in half]''
:'''Gerry''': Nooooooo!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': You probably don't even want to go on living now.
:'''Gerry''': Huh? Oh, that was just a kid from my wife's first marriage. But that looked really painful. Hit me with the juice! ''[gets injected]'' Ugh! ''[the serum transforms him into...]'' No! You turned me into a ''[bleep]''ing DUPLO! It's the same company as LEGO, you fool! Aah! Aah! ''[Mrs. Lane and the Doctor run away whilst DUPLO Gerry gets his head ripped off]'' Guys, is this ending working? Let's re-shoot it.
:''[Zombies murmuring]''

===Catdog on a Stick [7.10]===
:'''Executive''': You sure you wanna do a movie, Tiger?
:'''Tiger''': I want to be beloved again, like before I had sex with all those waitresses from IHOP. Jordan did Space Jam. I want my Space Jam.
:'''Executive''': Well, studios aren't lining up to lend their characters to a Tiger Woods movie. Everyone aggressively passed except DiC, but I cannot recommend that.
:''[Cut to the title card for the Golf Jam movie]''
:'''Singers''': Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to Tiger on the golf course]''
:'''Tiger''': Time for a day of playing golf and being faithful to my girlfriend. ''[falls down a large hole]'' What? Whoooooooa!! ''[lands in DiC Land, surrounded by Heathcliff and other DiC characters]'' Ow!
:'''Heathcliff''': Welcome to DiC Land, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[getting up from his fall and waving hello]'' Why, hi, Garfield.
:'''Heathcliff''': I'm Heathcliff. I'm more romantic and have an accent. This is Cleo.
:'''Cleo''': We need your help, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to put my penis in you... ''[snaps back to attention, and looks at the camera]'' I mean, I love my girlfriend.
:'''Cleo''': We brought you here because the evil Dork Punks challenged us to a game of golf.
:'''Tiger''': ''[once again enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to hump your face... ''[flustered]'' I mean, help your face- ''[snaps out of it again]'' Help you, I will help you!
:''[The Dork Punks walk into the shot, as Tiger turns to look at them]''
:'''Dork Punk''': Let's tee off, DiC-heads!
:''[Tiger and Heathcliff look at each other and nod, and we cut to a golf-playing montage. Tiger (now wearing a cap with the DiC logo on it) hits a beautful shot as Heathcliff, Cleo, and a couple of other toons watch. LongArm uses his gauntlet to sink a putt, as Tiger chats up Princess Lana and receives a slap to the face from her. As Cleo prepares to sink her putt, Tiger walks up from behind and starts pretending to hump her. Ja-Kal prepares to take a shot as Armon looks on, but a piece of Armon's gauze is caught on Ja-Kal's club. As Ja-Kal swings, he and Armon both get tied up in Armon's gauze. Tiger is seen in one of the bunkers with Nefer-Tina sitting on top of him, as she unwraps the gauze from her upper body much to Tiger's delight. The montage ends as Tiger is getting ready to sink his final putt, with Cleo and Hammerman watching on]''
:'''Hammerman''': If you sink this putt, we win!
:'''Tiger''': Wish me luck, Bobby Brown.
:'''Hammerman''': Bobby Brown? I'm Hammerman! I'm M.C. Hammer, except not, and I have magic shoes. ''[shows off his magic dancing shoes]''
:'''Tiger''': ''[looks at Cleo]'' You know, I don't even know if I want to save you DiC's. You're just uninspired rehashes of good ideas. Seriously, how cheap is DiC? This is a movie, and you all look like you were drawn on a napkin.
:'''Cleo''': Win the game and I'll blow you.
:''[Upon hearing this, Tiger immediately sinks the putt and wins the game. As the DiC toons celebrate, Tiger unzips his pants and takes a terrified Cleo by the hand into the Pancake House for his well-earned blowjob]''
:'''Hammerman''': ''[rapping]'' Everybody tee off, get a club in your hands, charisma-free sex addict saving DiC Land! Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to black with the bold white text &quot;Golf Jam was rented once from Redbox. The copy was returned on time.&quot;]''

===Super Guitaro Center [7.11]===
:'''Shredder''': The &quot;Channel 6 News Masquerade Ball&quot; is the opportunity for me to kidnap April O'Neil. She's the perfect bait to catch the turtles. ''[surprised to see April's costume]'' Wow! Out of that bulky lesbian jumpsuit, she's hot as ''[bleep]''!
:'''April''': Care to dance, Mr. Potter?
:'''Shredder''': WHAT?! ''[cuts to Shredder dancing with April]'' And, what's your costume?
:'''April''': Belle from &quot;Beauty and The Beast&quot;, but a dick-slut.
:'''Shredder''': Is your favorite restaurant, Taco &quot;Belle&quot;?
:''[Both laugh]''
:'''April''': You are hilarious.
:'''Shredder''': On the count of 3, say your favorite band. 1, 2, 3!
:'''Shredder and April''': Toad the Wet Sprocket! ''[pause, they both kiss]''
:'''April''': ''[feels the blade, and gasped]'' Wait. Are you-
:'''Shredder''': In love? Yes. WHAT?! Bye! ''[leaves]''
:'''April''': ''[realizing]'' Shredder?
:''[Cut to Shredder with April outside her apartment after the party]''
:'''Shredder''': Think of something poetic, Oroku. ''[to April]'' But soft, you are total boner food!
:'''April''': Oh, Shredder. My heart doesn't take sides.
:'''Shredder''': People won't approve.
:'''April''': No one can keep us apart.
:''[They both kiss again. Then cuts to the sewer]''
:'''Raphael''': Aww, Hell to the No! ''[punches a brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''April''': We're soul mates! We both love Toad the Wet Sprocket.
:'''Michelangelo''': Toad the-What?! Is that a sex thing?! Have you guys had sex?!
:'''April''': No. Just dry humping, and ball play.
:'''Raphael''': Ball play?! ''[punches the same brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''Splinter''': You must stay away from Shredder, April. He is dangerous. Sleep here tonight. Donatello, grab the guest pillows.
:''[Donatello grabs pizza boxes which are the guest pillows, and puts them on the couch. Later while everyone's asleep, Shredder comes up from behind the couch to see April]''
:'''April''': ''[gasps]'' What are you doing here?
:'''Shredder''': I came to say &quot;Hi&quot;, ''[lays down next to her]'' and also have sex after the whole &quot;Hi&quot; thing.
:'''April''': It's like Six Flags Hurricane Harbor in my panties right now. ''[they both kiss again. Later, we see her and Shredder outside the manhole]'' Mmm, Mmm. You really Toadied my Wet Sprocket. When will I see you again?
:'''Shredder''': Soon, I hope. I should go before the turtles wake up. Plus, I have some major ExtenZe farts coming on. ''[farts]''
:''[Next morning while April was having her breakfast]''
:'''Donatello''': April, just go on one date with Casey. He's a good guy.
:'''April''': Casey is a jobless loser in sweats! ''[walks away]''
:'''Casey''': Good start to my morning.
:'''[Cut to April with the Rat King]''
:'''April''': So, I left. What should I do, Mr. Rat King? I belong with Shredder.
:'''Rat King''': I have an idea! And my idea involves you taking a lot of poison very quickly.
:'''April''': ''[pause, interested]'' Go on?
:''[Cut to April playing dead]''
:'''Shredder''': ''[shocked]'' It can't be! April?! NO!!!! WHY?!?! ''[accidentally hits April with his spikes]''
:'''April''': ''[wakes up in pain]'' Ow! Ow! Ow! What the ''[bleep]''?! Shredder!
:'''Shredder''': April! You're alive!
:'''April''': The poison only made me appear dead. Didn't you read &quot;Romeo and Juliet&quot;, you ''[bleep]''ing ass clown? ''[gags and dies]''
:'''Shredder''': NOOOOOOO!!!!!! ''[a few seconds of silence]'' Just gonna take my Toad the Wet Sprocket bootleg back. ''[takes his CD back, and leaves]''

===Noidstrom Rack [7.12]===
:'''Picard''': ''[dozing in the captain's chair on the bridge of the Enterprise]'' What's that Beverly? You want Wesley to watch? Hmm, make it so! ''[jerks awake]'' Oh, 2300 hours, time for the night crew to relieve us! ''[moves to leave the bridge, as Captain Jake enters]'' Captain.
:'''Captain Jake''': Capitan! ''[the Enterprise bridge crew file out, as their night crew replacements enter]'' Night crew, maintain course. ''[cut to the Enterprise moving through space]'' Space, the final frontier! These are the 11pm to 7am voyages of the Enterprise's night crew. Its continuing mission...is to PAR-TAY! ''[starts drinking from a beer can as the night crew cheer]''
:'''Night Crew''': Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! [A Borg cube appears on the view screen]
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Captain Jake, a Borg cube is hailing us.
:'''Captain Jake''': They probably want us to turn down our jams...Fat chance!
:'''Borg Drone''': Lower your shields, your culture will adapt to service us.
:'''Captain Jake''': You want us to service you?
:'''Borg Drone''': Affirmative. You will service the Borg, all night if needed! ''[Commander LaFreak sniggers. The Borg Drone looks unamused]'' Wait! Our hive mind has assimilated double entendres- real mature, guys! Prepare for assimilation! ''[the Borg cube begins to shoot at the Enterprise with its lasers]''
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Our shields won't last long, sir! Should we wake up the bald guy?
:'''Captain Jake''': ''[opens another can of beer]'' No way, Commander LaFreak! We'll beat the Borg like we beat that frat on Gallos 7!
:'''Commander LaFreak''': We'll sell naked photos of their girlfriends at a pie-eating contest?
:'''Captain Jake''': What?! No! Like any frat, the Borg share a hive mind, man. If we get one Borg to party, all Borg will party! Night crew, prepare to rock out with our Spocks out! ''[the night crew beam across to the Borg cube]'' Anybody order a partygram? ''[the night crew start playing music and drinking with the Borg drones in the cube. He pulls out a bottle of champagne to a female Borg drone]'' Wet t-shirt contest! ''[opens the champagne bottle on the female drone, who doesn't react even when he douses her chest]'' Oh right, no shirt...you want mine? ''[removes his Captain's jumper, just as the Borg drone he talked to advances on him]'' Whoa, chill out, dude! Wait, is she your daughter?
:'''Borg Drone''': Enough! Partying is futile! ''[jabs Captain Jake with its injection tubes, only to recoil. Captain Jake grins]'' Your blood, so full of beer! Your party, so hearty! ''[grabs a cup of beer from a Klingon night crew member and chugs it]'' Woo-hoooo! ''[the rest of the Borg join the drone and the night crew in partying]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Now this, I can assimilate! ''[he and the drone hug]''
:''[Cut to the Borg cube drawing a giant cock on a planet with its lasers. Cut to an awards ceremony on the bridge of the Enterprise]''
:'''Starfleet Admiral''': Captain Jake, Starfleet thanks you for defeating the Borg. ''[hangs a medal around Captain Jake's neck]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Bitchin'!
:'''Picard''': ''[fuming]'' NIGHT CREEEEEEWWWWW! ''[everyone looks round nervously, until he grins]'' Beer me! ''[the night crew cheer and Jake tosses Picard a can]'' You glorious sons of bitches!

===Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13]===
:''[The Disney Princess Castle is shown]''
:'''Snow White''': ''[from inside]'' Welcome to the Princess Summit, ''[cut to inside]'' where we address the complex political issues facing our kingdoms.
:'''Rapunzel''': Hairstyles.
:'''Cinderella''': Talking pets.
:'''Tiana''': Hairstyles for our talking pets.
:'''Ariel''': Crabs. ''[everyone looks at her in disgust]'' I've got crabs.
:'''Snow White''': Well, isn't that just, um...and where is our newest princess?
:'''Merida''': ''[enters, carrying a dead boar dripping with blood]'' Ach! Sorry I'm late. I killed a boar on the way here.
:'''Aurora''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, you're so feminist and empowered. Great.
:'''Merida''': ''[laying boar on the table and gutting it]'' 'Ey, wee beastie! Have we got to grievances yet? A bunch of wee dwarves are illegally mining me territory.
:'''Snow White''': Oh, Merida, you have far bigger problems. Let me tell you about them.
:'''Merida''': Not a damn song.
:'''Snow White''': ''[singing]'' Here's a list of things to drop;
:Your accent, bow, that tangled mop.
:Fifteen pounds from off your hips
:Those ginger afros 'neath your pits
:And no prince will want to mingle
:With a girl with no hit single.
:''[Cinderella, Aurora, and Ariel hold up gold records]''
:'''Cinderella''': ''[spoken]'' And your pet's hair is a disaster.
:'''Merida''': That's me mother! She's a bear! The trailer was very misleading! ''[holds the knife to Snow White's neck''] I came here looking for justice; instead, I found treachery. Prepare yourself for war. ''[Leaves]''
:'''Mulan''': ''[following Merida]'' Someone finally said it! See you on the killing field, round-eyes. ''[leaves]''
:'''Belle''': Amen, sister. ''[leaves]''
:'''Tiana''': Stuck-up bitches!
:''[Rapunzel follows. The remaining princesses look on. We transition to the next scene where Snow White is preparing her army for war against Merida's army]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, that Merida! I'll show her. ''[out the window]'' Send in my war counsel. ''[a cute Disney-esque bird flies up to the windowsill]'' What shall I do, little one?
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Core that bitch like an apple.
:'''Snow White''': Oh my.
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Weave a tapestry of their intestines.
:'''Snow White''': Okay, okay, I get it, I get it. We need weapons.
:'''Cinderella''': I've got a guy.
:''[The Fairy Godmother appears]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, good idea. We'll fight them with magic.
:'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[laying bag of assault weapons on table]'' Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo, that's twenty grand.
:'''Princesses''': Ooh, wow!
:'''Ariel''': Do you need thingamabobs? I've got thingamabobs.
:'''Jasmine''': Nobody cares about the dildo collection you dredged up from the Atlantic, you fishy bitch. ''[Ariel runs away crying]'' Anyone else have cold tits?
:''[We cut to Merida's training grounds]''
:'''Merida''': All right, ladies. Show me what you've got.
:'''Rapunzel''': ''[whips the practice dummy with her hair, dismembering it, then strangling it]'' I finally found the perfect conditioner— ''[pops the dummy's head off]'' blood!
:'''Louis''': ''[shooting arrows and missed the target]'' Oh, curse these stubby arms.
:'''Merida''': You're an alligator. Be an alligator!
:''[Louis turns to Mushu, who is standing beside him]''
:'''Mushu''': Oh, wait! Don't...!
:'''Louis''': ''[eats Mushu]'' Oh! I'm so sorry!
:'''Mulan''': No, no, it was...it was a good kill.
:''[Cut to Snow White's army, ready for their coming battle]''
:'''Snow White''': Not all of us will live to wish upon a star tonight, but we give our lives for a greater good.
:'''Aurora''': ''[yawning]'' Oh dear, I think I'm getting sleepy. I might have to sit this one out, guys.
:'''Snow White''': Don't you pull that shit now!
:'''Aurora''': Just teasing.
:''[An arrow fired by an off-screen Merida strikes Aurora in the throat, killing her instantly]''
:'''Merida''': ''[with her army at the top of a hill]'' Bring me the scalp and/or weave of Snow White! Charge!
:''[The armies charge at each other]''
:'''Jasmine''': I will show you a world of death!
:''[They meet in the middle, where Ariel, now a mermaid, has brought an atomic bomb]''
:'''Ariel''': Look, everyone! I brought my thingamabob! My weapons-grade thingamabob!
:'''Cinderella''': Oh, you just don't know what words are. That's your thing.
:''[The bomb starts beeping, indicating its imminent detonation]''
:'''Princesses''': ''[realizing]'' Ahh! Run away! Run away! ''[running away from the bomb]''
:'''Sebastian''': ''[pops up from behind the bomb, singing]'' Bend over and grab your ankles!
:''[The bomb explodes, completely obscuring the scene with smoke and ash, until it dissipates, revealing that the explosion has eradicated almost everything, leaving nothing but a barren wasteland]''
:'''Merida''': ''[wounded, trudges by]'' Me mother's a bear.
:''[Tinkerbell arrives, then shoots her in the head with a gun, winks, and leaves]''

===Walking Dead Lobster [7.14]===
:''[We start on a gradient aquamarine-blue background, where the Gullah Gullah Island logo rolls in]''
:'''Announcer''': And now, back to Gullah Gullah Island!
:''[We cut to Ron and Natalie's house, where everyone plays Leapfrog with. Two policemen, one blonde and the other with brown hair, arriving at the front door]''
:'''Ron''': ''[jumps over Shaina and Binyah-Binyah]'' This sure is fun, Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': Binyah-Binyah! Have fun, too!
:''[The policemen knock on the door]''
:'''Ron''': I'll get it. ''[opens the door to show the policemen]''
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Hello, sir. We've investigated a tip. A criminal might be in the area; he's robbed a bank and shot three policemen.
:'''Ron''': Oh, no! Well, there's nobody here but me, my wife, our three children, and our man-sized pet polliwog.
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Yeah-no, no, no, that's a man in a frog suit.
:'''Natalie''': ''[incredulous]'' What?! No, he's just a giant polliwog we rescued.
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Where did you find him?
:'''Vanessa''': Oh, behind an amphibious animal costume shop!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': I'm gonna need him out of that frog suit by the count of three. ''[pulls out a pistol]'' One...
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': ''[raises both arms in the air as the Alstons stare in shock]'' Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Two...
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': ''[scared, waving arms]'' Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Three!
:'''Frogman''': ''[screams and strips out of costume, making the Alstons cover their eyes from seeing his nude lesion-covered body]'' No! Don't shoot!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': ''[still points pistol with other officer]'' Down on the ground, Frogman!
:'''Natalie''': ''[disgusted]'' What's on his skin?!
:'''Frogman''': Sores, you dumbass! From wearing that polliwog costume for four months straight! ''[is handcuffed by the blonde policeman and pulled out of the house]'' Binyah-Binyah! Binyah-Binyah!
:''[The brown-haired policeman clubs Frogman on the back of his head to knock him out, ending the sketch''

===Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15]===
:'''Peter Pan''': Fly with me, to Neverland! ''[flies out of the window with the Darling children]''
:'''Mary Darling''': ''[arrives with her husband too late]'' Children, no!
:''[Scene cuts to Neverland]''
:'''Peter Pan''': These are the Lost Boys. They're not vampires. ''[phone rings from inside a tree; curiously]'' We have a phone? ''[picks up the receiver]'' Hello?
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[on the phone]'' I don't know who you are. ''[cut to him with George and Mary]'' I don't know what you want. I don't know why you dress like...
:'''Mary Darling''': A gay Robin Hood.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Like a gay Robin Hood. I have a very particular set of skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. By which I guess I mean, flying gay Robin Hoods.
:''[Cut to Peter]''
:'''Peter Pan''': Good luck finding Neverland, grandpa. ''[hangs up and leaves]''
:''[Cut back to Bryan, George, and Mary]''
:'''George Darling''': Oh, what's he saying?
:'''Bryan Mills''': He's saying, &quot;Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...&quot;
:'''Mary Darling''': That's the dial tone.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Dial tone? ''[hangs up]'' Well, this is a very old phone. ''[to George and Mary]'' He's holding your children in what I presume is an underground sex club called Neverland.
:'''George Darling''': Oh thank goodness, you do security work for bankers like myself, Mr. Mills, but how will you reach the children? They were flying!
:'''Mary Darling''': I think I heard them say something about thinking happy thoughts.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Happy thoughts, eh? ''[imagining himself in the thought bubble, grabbing Peter Pan and throwing him on a step]''
:'''Peter Pan''': No! No! Please!
:''[Bryan crushes Peter's head destroying his face, the thought bubble vanishes]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': Whoo hoo, off I go! ''[flies through the roof]''
:''[Scene cuts to Neverland, Bryan kills the Lost Boys, except Slightly, who turns around and sees the other Lost Boys dead covered in blood]''
:'''Slightly''': ''[farts]'' I just pooped in my tail!
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[holding Slightly at knifepoint]'' Where are the children?!
:''[Slightly farts again before we cut to Wendy and the mermaids]''
:'''Wendy''': I've never meet real live mermaids before.
:'''Mermaid''': ''[laughs]'' That's so fun! Lets drown this bitch! ''[grabs Wendy by her arms]''
:'''Wendy''': No, please, no! ''[opens her eyes to see the mermaids dead]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[wearing the seashell bra]'' Wendy, where are your brothers?
:'''Wendy''': There! On the pirate ship!
:''[Cut to the Pirate ship where John and Michael are cornered by Captain Hook]''
:'''Captain Hook''': Time for these little chickadees to walk the plank! ''[laughs]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[near the dead pirates]'' Tick-tock, time's up! ''[kicks Captain Hook, who falls while screaming into the crocodile's mouth]'' I'm taking you home, children.
:'''Peter Pan''': ''[arrives with Tinkerbell]'' Not so fast, you old codfish! ''[Tinkerbell flies up to Bryan taunting him, Bryan uses his shoe to squash her]'' Tink! Oh, good luck getting home without her fairy dust, asshole!
:'''Bryan Mills''': Why would I want to leave when my happy thoughts are about to come true?
:'''Peter Pan''': Your what? ''[Bryan grabs him and throws him to a step]'' Oh! No! NO! ''[Bryan crashes his head with his foot before his shadow comes out]''
:'''Wendy''': Okay, but seriously man, how the ''[bleep]'' are we getting home?!
:'''Bryan Mills''': Hang on. ''[grabs Peter's shadow and throws it on the same step]''
:'''Peter's shadow''': No, no, wait! ''[screams as Bryan crushes its head in black blood with his foot]''

===Bitch Pudding Special [7.16]===
:''[Part 1 starts, as a funeral for Granny Graham Crackers is taking place at the Strawberryland Church; Raspberry Parfait is speaking at the podium]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Even on cloudy days, Pastryville always had a ray of sunshine. And her name was Granny Graham Crackers. Remember when she knit your favorite scarf, Black Cherry Pie?
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': ''[caressing her scarf fondly]'' I wear it everyday, Raspberry Parfait.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': And Fudge Turnover, remember when she fixed you leaky roof?
:'''Fudge Turnover''': She got heat-stroke and fell into the hedges.
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': ''[indignant]'' While you watched Tango and Cash on Netflix!
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Yes! While I watched Tango and Cash on Netflix.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': And Buttermilk Biscuits, I remember when Granny drove all the way to the big city to get-
:'''Buttermilk Biscuits''': ''[gesturing towards her neck]'' No. Nope. Mnh-mnh.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Your...tonsils out?
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Yeah, your unborn tonsils.
:''[Black Cherry Pie scowls at him]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': ''[clears her throat]'' Now then if there are no more speakers? ''[no one says a word, to her relief]'' Great! Then, in conclusion- ''[But Bitch Pudding opens the door just then. Everyone is shocked. Bitch Pudding walks up to the podium, lightly shoving her out of the way]'' W-We were just wrapping up here, Bitch Pudding.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[grabs the microphone and begin to speak in her calm southern accent]'' I remember Granny. ''[the audience is still dumbfounded]'' I remember her smile. ''[the audience looks relieved]'' I remember how much she loved baking sugar cookies. ''[wipes a tear from her eye]''
:'''All''': ''[react happily]'' Ahh!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': But most of all, I remember... ''[giving a angry rant]'' her rank-ass old-lady farts.
:''[Everyone gasps in shock]''
:''[Raspberry Parfait'': ''[facepalming]'' Oh, God.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': This bitch had no sense of smell, no sense of hearing, so all day long, she was like &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbhhhhhht!&quot;
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Okay. ''[chuckles]'' That's enough-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[pushes Raspberry Parfait and continues]'' And when you're a hundred years old, I guess panties are just an afterthought. I mean, raise your hand if you never saw Granny airing out the Ark of the Covenant! ''[while she’s talking, Raspberry Parfait does the hand signal to turn the camera off, but she then mouths &quot;What the?&quot; Everyone gasps and groans]'' I hope Granny is in heaven, but she had a gambling addiction, so Satan might be doing her up the butt. ''[Everyone gasps again]'' Knock twice if Satan's doing you up the butt, Granny. ''[in Granny's voice]'' I love it up the butt from Satan, everybody! ''[in Satan's voice]'' You rule, Granny! Ha ha! ''[begins humping the coffin; the others gasp and groan in shock once more]'' Now hit my ''[bleep]''ing theme song!
:''[Music plays in the style of “The Trooper” by Iron Maiden, as Bitch Pudding walks down the aisles where she steals an audience member's apple and takes a single bite before giving it to German Chocolate Cake and out of the church, where she closes the doors as the title for the special appears. Everyone starts murmuring]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Now, then-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[bursts into the church again, briefly]'' Da-da-da-da! Bitch Puddin'. Blam! ''[runs off; later that night, she is playing a shooter video game, where she is taking out several in-game enemies]'' Yeah! Suck it.
:''[Bitch Pudding's game avatar approaches a villager character]''
:'''Villager''': You have saved my village!
:''[Bitch Pudding's game avatar shoots the villager dead]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': You mean &quot;my&quot; village! ''[a rumble of thunder is heard as Bitch Pudding's house experiences a power outage and the TV screen dies]'' Aw!
:''[As more rumbles of thunder are heard, a mysterious hooded figure appears behind an unsuspecting Bitch Pudding, revealed by the illumination of lightning outside. The figure is seen first holding a knife, then an axe, then a pistol, and then finally a baseball bat, which the figure uses to club Bitch Pudding in the head-she grunts and falls unconscious]''
:''[To be continued...]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Part 2 starts]''
:''[A few hours later]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Augh. Where?
:'''The Mailbird''': Oh, sounds like my cargo just woke up!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hey! You're that damn bird that delivers our mail.
:'''The Mailbird''': You bet your feathers. But tonight, I'm gettin' paid to make a special delivery. Neither rain nor sleet nor snow will keep your ass out of that volcano. Adios, Bitch Pudding. ''[Bitch Pudding, however, is trying to escape from him]'' Glurk! Ooh! Aah!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': You flying turd! Who hired you?
:'''The Mailbird''': You kill me, we both die.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Good point, jazz cloth. But, on the other hand.
:'''The Mailbird''': Ow! ''[falls]'' Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[falls]'' Ohhhhhhhh!!! ''[Bleeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Ow! Ow! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Ow! Oh! Ow! Oh! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeeeeeeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Oh, ''[bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Mother''[bleep]''ing mother''[bleep]'' er! Ow! Ow! ''[Bleep]'' me! Oh, God! ''[Bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''! ''[hits the tree]'' Ow! ''[Bleep]''! Ohhh! ''[BLEEEEEEEP]''!!!!!
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding opens her eyes to see the Schlorps]''
:'''Schlorp 1''': Who is she?
:'''Schlorp 2''': Grandpappy will know.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Please, stop talking. Your voice is irritating as ''[bleep]''!
:'''Schlorp 2''': How rude!
:'''Schlorp 3''': Well, she's not wrong.
:'''Schlorp 4''': Who is that?
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Welcome to Schlorptown, stranger! We are the Schlorps. And my name is Grandpappy Schlorp.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Are you in charge of this sh*thole?
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': You see anyone else with a beard around here?
:'''Schlorp 2''': We should Schlorp the &quot;Get to know you&quot; song!
:''[Everyone laughs and the peppy music plays]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed]'' No.
:'''Schlorps''': ? If you get to know me?
?Then I'll get to know you?
?Once you're in the group?
?You're a friend through-and-through?
?I'm Fishing Pole Schlorp and I catch all the fish?
?I'm Basketball Schlorp watch this!?
All: Swish!
?I'm I.B.S. Schlorp?
?You'll find me on the stalls?
?I'm Wintertime Schlorp?
?I'm sweating off my balls?
?I'm a Schlorp who come from China?
?I'm Miss Schlorp with a vagina?
?I'm a Schlorp who plays kazoo?
?I'm a Schlorp who wants Kung Fu?
:'''Kung Fu Schlorp''': So sorry!
?So how about the stranger?
?Tell us all about you?
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[grabs Banjo Schlorp's banjo to play it, but swears]'' ?Shut the ''[bleep]'' u-u-up!?
:''[Discordant note plays. She breaks the banjo and a fishing pole, while kicking a basketball far away. Afterwards, she gets angry to make the Schlorps feel shockingly bad]''
:'''I.B.S. Schlorp''': ''[his stomach growls]'' Oh, god! I'm not gonna make it. I'm not gonna make it. I'm not gonna make it. ''[craps himself]'' Aw. I didn't make it.
:''[Meanwhile, Grandpappy Schlorp tries to create a cast to Bitch Pudding's broken arm]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Ow, you old bastard!
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': There you go. Good as new. Ah, Schlorpette. Is that the Schlorp nut soup for our guest?
:'''Schlorpette''': Yes, but this is the last of our Schlorp nuts. They're all gone.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Aww. The last of the Schlorp nuts. And with winter on its way.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': This tastes like moose dick! I got to go home! Some asshole tried to kill me, so that asshole's gonna get my boot up his asshole.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': With the Schlorp nuts gone, our village faces starvation. You see, the nuts were stolen by the evil squirrel wizard on one tree hill.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Phhhhhhht!
:'''Schlorpette''': It was called that before the show.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': This squirrel sounds like a pissy.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Then perhaps we can make a deal. Bring our nuts home and we help get your butt home.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Uuuuuuuugh! ''[knocks the door]''
:'''Trevor''': ''[arrives]'' Who dares disturb the sa-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blam! ''[attacking Trevor]'' Haungh, haungh, hungh! Lick my taco, Squirrel Wizard. Give those dicks their nuts back!
:'''Schlorpette''': Bitch Pudding! That's not the Squirrel Wizard!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Huh? Who the hell is it?
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Trevor? Trevor?! Oh, my god! Trevor!
:'''Schlorpette''': His life partner.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Yuh-oh.
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Rrrrrrrrrrah!
:'''Schlorpette''': Aaaaaah!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Squirrel alert! Squirrel alert!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Rrrrrrrrrgh!
:'''All''': Ohh!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': ''[starts attacking the Schlorps]'' Suck on this! Suck on this! Suck on this!
:'''Schlorp 2''': Ow! Ooh! Ow!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Can't stay. Gotta go. Blam. ''[leaves]''
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Stay and fight, coward!
:'''Schlorp 1''': Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai!
:''[To be continued...]''

===Batman Forever 21 [7.17]===
===The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's [7.18]===
===Chipotle Miserables [7.19]===
===The Robot Chicken Lots of Holidays But Don't Worry Christmas is Still In There Too so Pull the Stick Out of Your Ass Fox News Special [7.20]===</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147957</id>
      <parentid>3147952</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T01:18:34Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Bitch Pudding Special [7.16] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="51197" xml:space="preserve">===G.I. Jogurt [7.01]===
:''[At the Emmy Awards, a G.I. Joe PSA of Roadblock talking to two children is shown on the big screen]''
:'''Roadblock''': I don't know why a 7-year-old would need to deep fry a turkey, but know you know how.
:'''Children''': And knowing is half the battle.
:''[The PSA ends with the &quot;G.I. Joe&quot; jingle]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Be a Turkey on Thanksgiving&quot;.
:''[The G.I. Joes clap, and Duke kisses Scarlett before he heads up with Roadblock to collect their award, while COBRA Commander and Destro watch on from the cheap seats]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': Look at them, Destro. The Joes churn out pedestrian advice to dead-eyed children, and the public eats it up! ''[mocking the Joes]'' &quot;Hey, kids, don't play with fallen electrical lines.&quot; ''[normal voice]'' Reads like a dispatch from the no-shit clinic.
:'''Destro''': I'll get the nerve gas.
:'''COBRA Commander''': No, you fool. We'll beat them at their own game. ''[clenching his fist]'' We'll create our own PSAs!
:''[Cut to COBRA Commander, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, and the Crimson Twins in the briefing room at COBRA Headquarters]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': OK, OK, let's just throw some ideas out there. This is a safe creative place. Dr. Mindbender, go.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Well, I thought our PSA could communicate an idea non-verbally. I've discovered that painting directly on celluloid creates a sort of &quot;tone poem&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Holy ''[bleep]'', that's sounds terrible. I'm sorry, safe place, but holy shit, that was fucking dumb. Next!
:'''Baroness''': ''[enters the room]'' Oh, I forgot you guys were in here writing. I was just looking for a hammer to hang my degree in screenwriting from Aberdeen. Anything I can do for you while I'm in here? ''[looks at him]'' Destro?
:'''Destro''': She's actually really funny, you guys.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Hey, you lost me at &quot;She's&quot;. ''[Bleep'' it! We're doing it without a script.
:''[Cut to the set of COBRA's PSAs, as Destro supervises, Storm Shadow is having his makeup done by one COBRA soldier, and two more soldiers move a camera. Dr. Mindbender enters the set with a group of children]''
:'''Destro''': Dr. Mindbender, you found four young children for our PSAs.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Uh, yes. ''[puts his arms around the children]'' That is what these kidnapped children are for.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[talking to Storm Shadow, who is reading his lines]'' OK, Storm Shadow, these two children will be running with scissors. Now, this upsets you, and you...
:'''Storm Shadow''': Why?
:'''COBRA Commander''': It's dangerous to run with scissors.
:'''Storm Shadow''': I run with Katana. Is that not dangerous?
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow, I hadn't thought of that. Excellent point, Storm Shadow. ''[whispers to Tomax]'' Get this piece of ''[bleep]'' off my set!
:''[One of the children runs past, giggling while running with scissors, but ends up getting killed by Storm Shadow]''
:'''Storm Shadow''': Well, COBRA Commander, it looks like I owe you an apology.
:''[First COBRA PSA: Serpentor telling children about using supplies only at the post office]''
:'''Serpentor''': So, remember, only take supplies if you'll use them for post office business. Any other use is a felony.
:'''Boy''': Now I'm aware.
:'''Serpentor''': ''[putting his arms around the children and smiling]'' And awareness is the second 50% of the conflict in question. ''[beat]'' Somebody say ''[bleep]''ing &quot;Cut&quot;!
:''[Second COBRA PSA: COBRA Commander tells children about the joys of reading]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': And I think you'll find it's not hard to read when you take the time to sssssssssound it out. ''[both children giggle]'' Oh, yesss, I've got a sssmall ssspeech impediment. ''[both children laugh; irritated]'' It'sss not funny! ''[removes his mask, as the children scream and run away, only for the Commander to shoot them dead]'' Shut. It. Down.
:''[At the next Emmy Awards...]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Star in a COBRA PSA&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[shaking his fist]'' What?!
:'''Destro''': ''[shouting over to the troops]'' Pump the nerve gas!

===Link's Sausages [7.02]===
:''[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are standing in the street]''
:'''Tommy Pickles''': ''[holding his Reptar doll]'' Well, after crossing the freeway, base jumping off a cliff, and dodging bullets in a gang war, we finally found my Reptar doll.
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enters the street, finding the babies]'' Tommy! What are you doing in the street?!
:''[Cut to the Pickles' house]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, thank God! They've been lost for hours! Where were they?
:'''Didi Pickles''': Stu, a word?  ''[they walk into the kitchen, their voices get muffled as they talk with the door shut]'' What the ''[bleep]'', Stu?!
:'''Stu Pickles''': Well, I'm sorry. The babies escaped, and I-
:'''Didi Pickles''': Escaped?! They're babies, you sackless moron!
:'''Stu Pickles''': I was downstairs, working on a new toy, and they just-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, a new toy! Never mind, then!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[tearing up]'' Didi, if you keep ridiculing my work, I-I swear to God-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enraged]'' What?! You'll hit me?! Ooh, you're such a man!
:''[Thudding and crashing are heard as Didi violently beats Stu offscreen]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': Didi, stop!
:'''Didi Pickles''': I'll be the man! See, Stu?! I'm the man!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[sobbing]'' I want a divorce!
:''[The babies look devastated as the screen cut to static]''

===Secret of the Booze [7.03]===
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf shaving his beard in his house]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': I don't usually get involved in day-to-day operations, so I'm smurfing undercover. They'll never smurf it's me. ''[chuckles; takes off his pants]'' Ohh, I haven't smurfed these things off in nearly 300 years! Talk about crotch rot!
:''[Title Card: Undercover Smurf Boss]''
:'''Farmer Smurf''': So, you're my new intern, huh?
:'''Papa Smurf''': That's right, Farmer Smurf. Teach me to care about your sad, little life...I mean your noble and fulfilling, uh, career choice.
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Well, Smurfs are a thirsty bunch, so we got to smurf them fresh milk every day!
:''[A giant caterpillar slithers in and turns onto its side, revealing its udders]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[being filmed]'' We've been drinking CATERPILLAR MILK?! ''[milks the giant caterpillar, his hands getting sore]'' Oh, this is agony. It feels like my hands are gonna smurf off!
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Yep, my carpal tunnel got so bad, they had to fuse my wrist bones in place!
:'''Papa Smurf''': But our healthcare is smurfy, right?
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Eh, my deductible is 2,000 smurfberries.
:'''Papa Smurf''': WHAT?! ''[cash register dings]''
:''[Title Card: 1 Smurfberry = 1.78 USD]''
:''[Scene cuts to the Smurf Hospital. Doctor Smurf packs his medical bag]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': Doctor Smurf, why are deductibles so high?
:'''Doctor Smurf''': Boy, you smurf a lot of uppity questions for an intern. Uh, just treat the next patient while I go for a Jamba Juice run in my gold-plated helicopter.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Actually, I'm not really qualified.
:''[Outside the window, Doctor Smurf takes off in his gold-plated helicopter. Door opens, Smurfette and Handy Smurf enter the room]''
:'''Smurfette''': We need Doctor Smurf! Handy had an accident!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Did someone get a sliver? ''[Handy shows his bleeding hand, missing all of his fingers]'' OH MY SMURFING GOD!!!
:'''Handy Smurf''': I sawed right through a load-bearing mushroom! Half our building materials are fungus! Oh, trade school didn't prepare me for this!
:'''Smurfette''': You can smurf his fingers, right, nurse?
:'''Papa Smurf''': I'll certainly try. ''[being filmed]'' I certainly tried.
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf sewing Handy's fingers while Handy lies dead on the table]''
:'''Smurfette''': ''[crying]'' You can probably stop sewing.
:'''Papa Smurf''': No, no, no. I-I'm gonna get this. ''[walks up to Grouchy Smurf]'' So, Grouchy Smurf, how's the coffee today?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate coffee!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh! Okay. But how do you like working here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate working here.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh, goodness. Okay. Well, is there anything that maybe Papa Smurf could do?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate Papa Smurf!
:'''Papa Smurf''': All right, what exactly do you do around here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I-I hate stuff?
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[puts on his red hat]'' I'm being deadly serious.
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I...I... ''[cuts to him, shoveling dog poop outside]'' I hate shoveling dog ''[bleep]''.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Well, now that's actually an appropriate reaction. Carry on, dog-''[bleep]'' Smurf! ''[leaves]''
:''[More dog poop falls from above, next to Grouchy]''

===Rebel Appliance [7.04]===
:'''Lion-O''': My fellow Thundercats! When danger is near, I shall hold the Sword of Omens aloft and yell out a battle cry
:'''Cheetara''': What shall our battle cry be, Lion-O?
:'''Lion-O''': &quot;Thunder, thunder, thunder, thundercats, I need you because evil is near, and we are friends, and we are a team. So we must come together and fight because the Eye of Thundera is in the sky, and it is summoning everyone together. So please come here Panthro and Tygra and Panthro and also Cheetara and also Wilykit and Wilicat and also Snarf. I think I said Panthro twice. I won't do that every time. Yes, we are the Thundercats. This is our battle cry. I love you guys. You are my best friends, and I am Lion-O and I am a Thundercat, and you guys are Thundercats too. Mumm Ra is not a Thundercat, he's bad and we're gonna win against him, because we are the Thundercats, and the Thundercats are here for you today because we are the Thundercats yeah, I'm Lion-O&quot;. I hope you write that down.
:'''Snarf''': I liked it. ''[Wilykat slaps him]'' OW!

===Legion of Super-Gyros [7.05]===
:''[With Grover and Oscar the Grouch]''
:'''Grover''': Oh boy, it sure is a great day here on Sesame Street!
:'''Oscar''': Yeah, especially since we're the last neighborhood in New York that hasn't been gentrified.
:'''Grover''': Until today, because our special guest is Hannah Horvath from the marginally popular but ignored in the flyover states HBO series, Girls!
:'''Hannah''': Hey, do you know where I could find a cocaine dealer/organic Vietnamese taco truck around here?
:'''Oscar''': ''[Bleep]'' me! ''[gets back inside his trash can]''
:'''Hannah''': ''[feels Grover]'' Ooh, you're so cute! ''[later that night]'' I really love how you don't play games, Grover.
:'''Grover''': Oh but I play lots of games, patty cake, and marco polo...Ugh!
:'''Hannah''': ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jacking off]'' Insult my parents! Oh yeah!
:'''Grover''': Woah! ''[scene cuts to him and Hannah learning about numbers with apples]'' Today, we are going to learn about the number 3, I have 3 apples!
:'''Hannah''': And I know 3 girls who were date raped at the same bar on 6th street.
:'''Grover''': That is sad. ''[Hannah eats the apple]'' Uh...you're eating my props.
:'''Hannah''': I'm proud of my body.
:'''Grover''': I know, I know.
:'''Hannah''': Ugh! Yeah! ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jerking off again]''
:'''Grover''': Oh, God!

===El Skeletorio [7.06]===
:'''Crypt Keeper''': Oh, hello! I was just enjoying the latest best &quot;heller&quot;! ''[laughs evilly, but then rips off book cover]'' This is actually Dan Brown's &quot;Inferno.&quot; It's a piece of shit. Our next tale is something of an &quot;alle-gory&quot;! You might say it's a &quot;meta-gore&quot;! Let's just roll it.
:''[Cuts to the outside of Bitch Pudding's house, where the title of the sketch appears. We cut to inside the hpuse, where Bitch Pudding is sleeping]''
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out. Get out of the house. Get out of the hou-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Why don't you get your tongue out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole so I can jam your mama's ''[bleep]'' up there, you ''[bleep]''-gargling pile of monkey spunk? Nothing to say now, huh?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': There's just a lot to unpack there.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Well, wake me up when you figure it out, ''[bleep]'' stick. ''[goes back to sleep]''
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding goes to her fridge when she sees the chairs and flower pot of her table are now completely deformed]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed, she flips them over and destroys them]'' BLAM! Where's your ''[bleep]''-ass art project now, ''[bleep]'' nut?
:'''Ghostly voice''': It wasn't supposed to be art, it was supposed to scare you! God! Forget it! I'm leaving! ''[cuts to Strawberry Shortcake's house, where she is sleeping]'' Strawberry Shortcake!
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': ''[wakes up]'' Huh? What?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out of the house!
:''[A red substance begins to ooze out of the walls, causing Strawberry Shortcake to scream in fear]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[breaks in through the window]'' Hey, ''[bleep]''ing clown, if you're ragging so bad, why don't you take your mama's tampon out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole and lick it clean before you shove it up your ''[bleep]''?!
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Hey, stop talking about my dad's ''[bleep]''hole! I'll-I'll leave town, okay? Oh, FYI, that isn't blood, that is strawberry jam, m'lady. The insulation is leaking. All I did was turn the painting upside down. Live with it.
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': Do you think he was right about the insulation? That could be berry expensive.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hmm, let's see. That depends on whether I give a ''[bleep]'', ''[bleep]'' tits! ''[make a fanfare noise]'' Bitch Pudding! BLAM! ''[jumps out the window]''
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': I should really move.

===Snarfer Image [7.07]===
:''[Ticking, cuts to Elmer Fudd in a field]''
:'''Elmer Fudd:'' ''[narrating]'' Time travel has not been invented yet, ''[cocks his gun]'' but in 30 years, it will be. ''[gunshot]'' In the future, TV networks don't awwow cartoons to have guns, so if they want to kill someone, they send them back here to me. My name is Elmer Fudd, and I'm a Wooper. ''[Title Card: Wooper]'' The only wule is never let your target escape, even if your target is you.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': ''[appears in the field]'' What are you waiting for? Shoot me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': What?!
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': In the future, they don't let me have a gun! That was my one dimension as a character! Know what I did yesterday? I slept for 15 hours and then beat it to a Weader's Digest! Help me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': I can't.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': Come on, give it to me. ''[crying]'' Pleeeease. ''[gunshot]''
:'''Yosemite Sam''': ''[appears in the field]'' I'll have what he's having. ''[gunshot]''
:''[Cuts to Porky Pig on the Looney Tunes circles. The words &quot;That's all, folks!&quot; appear in front]''
:'''Porky Pig''': Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-...That's all, folks! ''[gunshot]''

===Up, Up, and Buffet [7.08]===
:'''Fiona''': The spell has broken! This was my true form all along! I can't wait to marry you, Shrek!
:'''Shrek''': Marry you?
:'''Fiona''': Well, yeah! Since we look the same now, we'll live happily ever after!
:'''Shrek''': Fiona, every morning, I look at myself in the mirror, and I wish my mother had the courage to throw me in the river when I was born. Then I make my way to the putrid swamps, the only place on God's green Earth a monster like me feels at home. Sometimes, children gather to scream at me. &quot;Monster!  Animal!&quot;, they yell. Then someone screams, &quot;Kill yourself!&quot; and it takes a few seconds to realize the voice is coming from my own mouth! By then, I've made my way to the old hanging tree. Before I have time to think about it, I'm wrapping a vine around my own neck. It goes &quot;tot&quot; and I pray to the gods that this time, the vine will hold! But alas, everyday, I wake up in my own filth and I lie there and I cry. I cry because I'll live to see my face again! So nay, marrying a lass with a face as hideous as my own is not on my to-do list!
:'''Fiona''':''[with her mouth full]'' Have you tried these mini cheeseburgers? They're great! ''[sees Shrek hanging from a noose, and to Shrek's disappointment, the noose snaps]''

===Panthropologie [7.09]===
:''[Caption: LEGO City, 2014]''
:'''Wife''': Honey, look out! Cliche!
:'''Gerry''': Huh? ''[all screaming]'' What's happening?!
:'''Cop''': Kre-O! They're everywh- Aah! ''[gets torn apart by the Kre-O's]''
:'''Wife''': There's something wrong with them. They look like us but different!
:'''General''': ''[lands in the helicopter]'' This way! Hurry! Your life has more value than other people! ''[the Lanes get onto the helicopter]'' Gerry, we need your expertise!
:'''Gerry''': My expertise? I'm not a soldier!
:'''General''': Gerry, we need a lawyer.
:''[Title Card: WORLD WAR B (as in blocks)]''
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': Put simply, Gerry, we're being invaded by imitation blocks.
:'''Assistant''': Off-brand products with a taste for LEGO blood!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': They're nearly identical but different. Wrong. Like when you sit on your hand until it goes to sleep. You try to pretend Flo from the Progressive commercials is giving you an HJ, but you know it's not Flo. You know that! She'd never be so clumsy, so artless.
:'''General''': That's impossible! We're trademarked!
:'''Gerry''': No, general. LEGO bricks aren't protected by trademark. They're protected by patent.
:'''General''': Hell, man, what's the difference?
:'''Gerry''': The difference is...patents expire! Cool! Someone turned that legal document into a GIF. That's fun.
:'''General''': Isn't it &quot;jiff&quot;? Anyway, how do we stop it?
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': There's nothing we can do. ''[whispering]'' Don't worry, Flo. I'll protect you.
:'''Assistant''': Don't worry, girl from the Wendy's commercials.
:'''General''': Don't worry, GEICO gecko.
:''[Cut to the map]''
:'''Gerry''': ''[narrating]'' They covered the whole globe in no time: Mega Bloks, Kre-O, Best-Lock, CoCo, BanBao, Rokenbok, Super Blocks, and Leggo with two g's, which was especially insulting.
:''[Caption: Lego Headquarters, Denmark]''
:''[Zombies groaning]''
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' LEGO my baby, LEGO my honey, LEGO my ragtime gal...
:'''Son''': Daddy, are we safe?
:'''Gerry''': Of course we are, son. People are singing, aren't they? Ugh. That is the lowest form of music.
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' ...Honey, you'll lose me, then you'll be left alone...
:''[Zombies groaning loudly]''
:'''Gerry''': The terrible singing! They're attracted to the terrible singing! ''[the zombies start climbing over the walls. Gerry knocks out the quartet. Soldiers start shooting]'' Ohh! - Ow! Fire! Fire! They're too fast!-Ohh!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': ''[runs in with the syringe]'' Gerry, I've found a way to camouflage ourselves!
:'''Gerry''': That beats my solution. ''[acts out shooting zombies, and then acts out shooting himself]'' Pew pew! Pew pew! Pew!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': LEGOs are machined to a tolerance of 10 micrometers! That's why we're so expensive! But this serum will make us look cheaper and sloppier! ''[injects himself]'' Aah! ''[turns into a Playmobil figure]'' We look like them now!
:'''Gerry''': I'd rather die.
:'''Son''': ''[notices something]'' What?! They have Transformers?
:'''Gerry''': No, son! No!
:'''Son''': Aah! ''[Bumblebee rips him in half]''
:'''Gerry''': Nooooooo!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': You probably don't even want to go on living now.
:'''Gerry''': Huh? Oh, that was just a kid from my wife's first marriage. But that looked really painful. Hit me with the juice! ''[gets injected]'' Ugh! ''[the serum transforms him into...]'' No! You turned me into a ''[bleep]''ing DUPLO! It's the same company as LEGO, you fool! Aah! Aah! ''[Mrs. Lane and the Doctor run away whilst DUPLO Gerry gets his head ripped off]'' Guys, is this ending working? Let's re-shoot it.
:''[Zombies murmuring]''

===Catdog on a Stick [7.10]===
:'''Executive''': You sure you wanna do a movie, Tiger?
:'''Tiger''': I want to be beloved again, like before I had sex with all those waitresses from IHOP. Jordan did Space Jam. I want my Space Jam.
:'''Executive''': Well, studios aren't lining up to lend their characters to a Tiger Woods movie. Everyone aggressively passed except DiC, but I cannot recommend that.
:''[Cut to the title card for the Golf Jam movie]''
:'''Singers''': Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to Tiger on the golf course]''
:'''Tiger''': Time for a day of playing golf and being faithful to my girlfriend. ''[falls down a large hole]'' What? Whoooooooa!! ''[lands in DiC Land, surrounded by Heathcliff and other DiC characters]'' Ow!
:'''Heathcliff''': Welcome to DiC Land, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[getting up from his fall and waving hello]'' Why, hi, Garfield.
:'''Heathcliff''': I'm Heathcliff. I'm more romantic and have an accent. This is Cleo.
:'''Cleo''': We need your help, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to put my penis in you... ''[snaps back to attention, and looks at the camera]'' I mean, I love my girlfriend.
:'''Cleo''': We brought you here because the evil Dork Punks challenged us to a game of golf.
:'''Tiger''': ''[once again enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to hump your face... ''[flustered]'' I mean, help your face- ''[snaps out of it again]'' Help you, I will help you!
:''[The Dork Punks walk into the shot, as Tiger turns to look at them]''
:'''Dork Punk''': Let's tee off, DiC-heads!
:''[Tiger and Heathcliff look at each other and nod, and we cut to a golf-playing montage. Tiger (now wearing a cap with the DiC logo on it) hits a beautful shot as Heathcliff, Cleo, and a couple of other toons watch. LongArm uses his gauntlet to sink a putt, as Tiger chats up Princess Lana and receives a slap to the face from her. As Cleo prepares to sink her putt, Tiger walks up from behind and starts pretending to hump her. Ja-Kal prepares to take a shot as Armon looks on, but a piece of Armon's gauze is caught on Ja-Kal's club. As Ja-Kal swings, he and Armon both get tied up in Armon's gauze. Tiger is seen in one of the bunkers with Nefer-Tina sitting on top of him, as she unwraps the gauze from her upper body much to Tiger's delight. The montage ends as Tiger is getting ready to sink his final putt, with Cleo and Hammerman watching on]''
:'''Hammerman''': If you sink this putt, we win!
:'''Tiger''': Wish me luck, Bobby Brown.
:'''Hammerman''': Bobby Brown? I'm Hammerman! I'm M.C. Hammer, except not, and I have magic shoes. ''[shows off his magic dancing shoes]''
:'''Tiger''': ''[looks at Cleo]'' You know, I don't even know if I want to save you DiC's. You're just uninspired rehashes of good ideas. Seriously, how cheap is DiC? This is a movie, and you all look like you were drawn on a napkin.
:'''Cleo''': Win the game and I'll blow you.
:''[Upon hearing this, Tiger immediately sinks the putt and wins the game. As the DiC toons celebrate, Tiger unzips his pants and takes a terrified Cleo by the hand into the Pancake House for his well-earned blowjob]''
:'''Hammerman''': ''[rapping]'' Everybody tee off, get a club in your hands, charisma-free sex addict saving DiC Land! Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to black with the bold white text &quot;Golf Jam was rented once from Redbox. The copy was returned on time.&quot;]''

===Super Guitaro Center [7.11]===
:'''Shredder''': The &quot;Channel 6 News Masquerade Ball&quot; is the opportunity for me to kidnap April O'Neil. She's the perfect bait to catch the turtles. ''[surprised to see April's costume]'' Wow! Out of that bulky lesbian jumpsuit, she's hot as ''[bleep]''!
:'''April''': Care to dance, Mr. Potter?
:'''Shredder''': WHAT?! ''[cuts to Shredder dancing with April]'' And, what's your costume?
:'''April''': Belle from &quot;Beauty and The Beast&quot;, but a dick-slut.
:'''Shredder''': Is your favorite restaurant, Taco &quot;Belle&quot;?
:''[Both laugh]''
:'''April''': You are hilarious.
:'''Shredder''': On the count of 3, say your favorite band. 1, 2, 3!
:'''Shredder and April''': Toad the Wet Sprocket! ''[pause, they both kiss]''
:'''April''': ''[feels the blade, and gasped]'' Wait. Are you-
:'''Shredder''': In love? Yes. WHAT?! Bye! ''[leaves]''
:'''April''': ''[realizing]'' Shredder?
:''[Cut to Shredder with April outside her apartment after the party]''
:'''Shredder''': Think of something poetic, Oroku. ''[to April]'' But soft, you are total boner food!
:'''April''': Oh, Shredder. My heart doesn't take sides.
:'''Shredder''': People won't approve.
:'''April''': No one can keep us apart.
:''[They both kiss again. Then cuts to the sewer]''
:'''Raphael''': Aww, Hell to the No! ''[punches a brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''April''': We're soul mates! We both love Toad the Wet Sprocket.
:'''Michelangelo''': Toad the-What?! Is that a sex thing?! Have you guys had sex?!
:'''April''': No. Just dry humping, and ball play.
:'''Raphael''': Ball play?! ''[punches the same brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''Splinter''': You must stay away from Shredder, April. He is dangerous. Sleep here tonight. Donatello, grab the guest pillows.
:''[Donatello grabs pizza boxes which are the guest pillows, and puts them on the couch. Later while everyone's asleep, Shredder comes up from behind the couch to see April]''
:'''April''': ''[gasps]'' What are you doing here?
:'''Shredder''': I came to say &quot;Hi&quot;, ''[lays down next to her]'' and also have sex after the whole &quot;Hi&quot; thing.
:'''April''': It's like Six Flags Hurricane Harbor in my panties right now. ''[they both kiss again. Later, we see her and Shredder outside the manhole]'' Mmm, Mmm. You really Toadied my Wet Sprocket. When will I see you again?
:'''Shredder''': Soon, I hope. I should go before the turtles wake up. Plus, I have some major ExtenZe farts coming on. ''[farts]''
:''[Next morning while April was having her breakfast]''
:'''Donatello''': April, just go on one date with Casey. He's a good guy.
:'''April''': Casey is a jobless loser in sweats! ''[walks away]''
:'''Casey''': Good start to my morning.
:'''[Cut to April with the Rat King]''
:'''April''': So, I left. What should I do, Mr. Rat King? I belong with Shredder.
:'''Rat King''': I have an idea! And my idea involves you taking a lot of poison very quickly.
:'''April''': ''[pause, interested]'' Go on?
:''[Cut to April playing dead]''
:'''Shredder''': ''[shocked]'' It can't be! April?! NO!!!! WHY?!?! ''[accidentally hits April with his spikes]''
:'''April''': ''[wakes up in pain]'' Ow! Ow! Ow! What the ''[bleep]''?! Shredder!
:'''Shredder''': April! You're alive!
:'''April''': The poison only made me appear dead. Didn't you read &quot;Romeo and Juliet&quot;, you ''[bleep]''ing ass clown? ''[gags and dies]''
:'''Shredder''': NOOOOOOO!!!!!! ''[a few seconds of silence]'' Just gonna take my Toad the Wet Sprocket bootleg back. ''[takes his CD back, and leaves]''

===Noidstrom Rack [7.12]===
:'''Picard''': ''[dozing in the captain's chair on the bridge of the Enterprise]'' What's that Beverly? You want Wesley to watch? Hmm, make it so! ''[jerks awake]'' Oh, 2300 hours, time for the night crew to relieve us! ''[moves to leave the bridge, as Captain Jake enters]'' Captain.
:'''Captain Jake''': Capitan! ''[the Enterprise bridge crew file out, as their night crew replacements enter]'' Night crew, maintain course. ''[cut to the Enterprise moving through space]'' Space, the final frontier! These are the 11pm to 7am voyages of the Enterprise's night crew. Its continuing mission...is to PAR-TAY! ''[starts drinking from a beer can as the night crew cheer]''
:'''Night Crew''': Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! [A Borg cube appears on the view screen]
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Captain Jake, a Borg cube is hailing us.
:'''Captain Jake''': They probably want us to turn down our jams...Fat chance!
:'''Borg Drone''': Lower your shields, your culture will adapt to service us.
:'''Captain Jake''': You want us to service you?
:'''Borg Drone''': Affirmative. You will service the Borg, all night if needed! ''[Commander LaFreak sniggers. The Borg Drone looks unamused]'' Wait! Our hive mind has assimilated double entendres- real mature, guys! Prepare for assimilation! ''[the Borg cube begins to shoot at the Enterprise with its lasers]''
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Our shields won't last long, sir! Should we wake up the bald guy?
:'''Captain Jake''': ''[opens another can of beer]'' No way, Commander LaFreak! We'll beat the Borg like we beat that frat on Gallos 7!
:'''Commander LaFreak''': We'll sell naked photos of their girlfriends at a pie-eating contest?
:'''Captain Jake''': What?! No! Like any frat, the Borg share a hive mind, man. If we get one Borg to party, all Borg will party! Night crew, prepare to rock out with our Spocks out! ''[the night crew beam across to the Borg cube]'' Anybody order a partygram? ''[the night crew start playing music and drinking with the Borg drones in the cube. He pulls out a bottle of champagne to a female Borg drone]'' Wet t-shirt contest! ''[opens the champagne bottle on the female drone, who doesn't react even when he douses her chest]'' Oh right, no shirt...you want mine? ''[removes his Captain's jumper, just as the Borg drone he talked to advances on him]'' Whoa, chill out, dude! Wait, is she your daughter?
:'''Borg Drone''': Enough! Partying is futile! ''[jabs Captain Jake with its injection tubes, only to recoil. Captain Jake grins]'' Your blood, so full of beer! Your party, so hearty! ''[grabs a cup of beer from a Klingon night crew member and chugs it]'' Woo-hoooo! ''[the rest of the Borg join the drone and the night crew in partying]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Now this, I can assimilate! ''[he and the drone hug]''
:''[Cut to the Borg cube drawing a giant cock on a planet with its lasers. Cut to an awards ceremony on the bridge of the Enterprise]''
:'''Starfleet Admiral''': Captain Jake, Starfleet thanks you for defeating the Borg. ''[hangs a medal around Captain Jake's neck]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Bitchin'!
:'''Picard''': ''[fuming]'' NIGHT CREEEEEEWWWWW! ''[everyone looks round nervously, until he grins]'' Beer me! ''[the night crew cheer and Jake tosses Picard a can]'' You glorious sons of bitches!

===Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13]===
:''[The Disney Princess Castle is shown]''
:'''Snow White''': ''[from inside]'' Welcome to the Princess Summit, ''[cut to inside]'' where we address the complex political issues facing our kingdoms.
:'''Rapunzel''': Hairstyles.
:'''Cinderella''': Talking pets.
:'''Tiana''': Hairstyles for our talking pets.
:'''Ariel''': Crabs. ''[everyone looks at her in disgust]'' I've got crabs.
:'''Snow White''': Well, isn't that just, um...and where is our newest princess?
:'''Merida''': ''[enters, carrying a dead boar dripping with blood]'' Ach! Sorry I'm late. I killed a boar on the way here.
:'''Aurora''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, you're so feminist and empowered. Great.
:'''Merida''': ''[laying boar on the table and gutting it]'' 'Ey, wee beastie! Have we got to grievances yet? A bunch of wee dwarves are illegally mining me territory.
:'''Snow White''': Oh, Merida, you have far bigger problems. Let me tell you about them.
:'''Merida''': Not a damn song.
:'''Snow White''': ''[singing]'' Here's a list of things to drop;
:Your accent, bow, that tangled mop.
:Fifteen pounds from off your hips
:Those ginger afros 'neath your pits
:And no prince will want to mingle
:With a girl with no hit single.
:''[Cinderella, Aurora, and Ariel hold up gold records]''
:'''Cinderella''': ''[spoken]'' And your pet's hair is a disaster.
:'''Merida''': That's me mother! She's a bear! The trailer was very misleading! ''[holds the knife to Snow White's neck''] I came here looking for justice; instead, I found treachery. Prepare yourself for war. ''[Leaves]''
:'''Mulan''': ''[following Merida]'' Someone finally said it! See you on the killing field, round-eyes. ''[leaves]''
:'''Belle''': Amen, sister. ''[leaves]''
:'''Tiana''': Stuck-up bitches!
:''[Rapunzel follows. The remaining princesses look on. We transition to the next scene where Snow White is preparing her army for war against Merida's army]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, that Merida! I'll show her. ''[out the window]'' Send in my war counsel. ''[a cute Disney-esque bird flies up to the windowsill]'' What shall I do, little one?
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Core that bitch like an apple.
:'''Snow White''': Oh my.
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Weave a tapestry of their intestines.
:'''Snow White''': Okay, okay, I get it, I get it. We need weapons.
:'''Cinderella''': I've got a guy.
:''[The Fairy Godmother appears]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, good idea. We'll fight them with magic.
:'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[laying bag of assault weapons on table]'' Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo, that's twenty grand.
:'''Princesses''': Ooh, wow!
:'''Ariel''': Do you need thingamabobs? I've got thingamabobs.
:'''Jasmine''': Nobody cares about the dildo collection you dredged up from the Atlantic, you fishy bitch. ''[Ariel runs away crying]'' Anyone else have cold tits?
:''[We cut to Merida's training grounds]''
:'''Merida''': All right, ladies. Show me what you've got.
:'''Rapunzel''': ''[whips the practice dummy with her hair, dismembering it, then strangling it]'' I finally found the perfect conditioner— ''[pops the dummy's head off]'' blood!
:'''Louis''': ''[shooting arrows and missed the target]'' Oh, curse these stubby arms.
:'''Merida''': You're an alligator. Be an alligator!
:''[Louis turns to Mushu, who is standing beside him]''
:'''Mushu''': Oh, wait! Don't...!
:'''Louis''': ''[eats Mushu]'' Oh! I'm so sorry!
:'''Mulan''': No, no, it was...it was a good kill.
:''[Cut to Snow White's army, ready for their coming battle]''
:'''Snow White''': Not all of us will live to wish upon a star tonight, but we give our lives for a greater good.
:'''Aurora''': ''[yawning]'' Oh dear, I think I'm getting sleepy. I might have to sit this one out, guys.
:'''Snow White''': Don't you pull that shit now!
:'''Aurora''': Just teasing.
:''[An arrow fired by an off-screen Merida strikes Aurora in the throat, killing her instantly]''
:'''Merida''': ''[with her army at the top of a hill]'' Bring me the scalp and/or weave of Snow White! Charge!
:''[The armies charge at each other]''
:'''Jasmine''': I will show you a world of death!
:''[They meet in the middle, where Ariel, now a mermaid, has brought an atomic bomb]''
:'''Ariel''': Look, everyone! I brought my thingamabob! My weapons-grade thingamabob!
:'''Cinderella''': Oh, you just don't know what words are. That's your thing.
:''[The bomb starts beeping, indicating its imminent detonation]''
:'''Princesses''': ''[realizing]'' Ahh! Run away! Run away! ''[running away from the bomb]''
:'''Sebastian''': ''[pops up from behind the bomb, singing]'' Bend over and grab your ankles!
:''[The bomb explodes, completely obscuring the scene with smoke and ash, until it dissipates, revealing that the explosion has eradicated almost everything, leaving nothing but a barren wasteland]''
:'''Merida''': ''[wounded, trudges by]'' Me mother's a bear.
:''[Tinkerbell arrives, then shoots her in the head with a gun, winks, and leaves]''

===Walking Dead Lobster [7.14]===
:''[We start on a gradient aquamarine-blue background, where the Gullah Gullah Island logo rolls in]''
:'''Announcer''': And now, back to Gullah Gullah Island!
:''[We cut to Ron and Natalie's house, where everyone plays Leapfrog with. Two policemen, one blonde and the other with brown hair, arriving at the front door]''
:'''Ron''': ''[jumps over Shaina and Binyah-Binyah]'' This sure is fun, Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': Binyah-Binyah! Have fun, too!
:''[The policemen knock on the door]''
:'''Ron''': I'll get it. ''[opens the door to show the policemen]''
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Hello, sir. We've investigated a tip. A criminal might be in the area; he's robbed a bank and shot three policemen.
:'''Ron''': Oh, no! Well, there's nobody here but me, my wife, our three children, and our man-sized pet polliwog.
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Yeah-no, no, no, that's a man in a frog suit.
:'''Natalie''': ''[incredulous]'' What?! No, he's just a giant polliwog we rescued.
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Where did you find him?
:'''Vanessa''': Oh, behind an amphibious animal costume shop!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': I'm gonna need him out of that frog suit by the count of three. ''[pulls out a pistol]'' One...
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': ''[raises both arms in the air as the Alstons stare in shock]'' Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Two...
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': ''[scared, waving arms]'' Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Three!
:'''Frogman''': ''[screams and strips out of costume, making the Alstons cover their eyes from seeing his nude lesion-covered body]'' No! Don't shoot!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': ''[still points pistol with other officer]'' Down on the ground, Frogman!
:'''Natalie''': ''[disgusted]'' What's on his skin?!
:'''Frogman''': Sores, you dumbass! From wearing that polliwog costume for four months straight! ''[is handcuffed by the blonde policeman and pulled out of the house]'' Binyah-Binyah! Binyah-Binyah!
:''[The brown-haired policeman clubs Frogman on the back of his head to knock him out, ending the sketch''

===Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15]===
:'''Peter Pan''': Fly with me, to Neverland! ''[flies out of the window with the Darling children]''
:'''Mary Darling''': ''[arrives with her husband too late]'' Children, no!
:''[Scene cuts to Neverland]''
:'''Peter Pan''': These are the Lost Boys. They're not vampires. ''[phone rings from inside a tree; curiously]'' We have a phone? ''[picks up the receiver]'' Hello?
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[on the phone]'' I don't know who you are. ''[cut to him with George and Mary]'' I don't know what you want. I don't know why you dress like...
:'''Mary Darling''': A gay Robin Hood.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Like a gay Robin Hood. I have a very particular set of skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. By which I guess I mean, flying gay Robin Hoods.
:''[Cut to Peter]''
:'''Peter Pan''': Good luck finding Neverland, grandpa. ''[hangs up and leaves]''
:''[Cut back to Bryan, George, and Mary]''
:'''George Darling''': Oh, what's he saying?
:'''Bryan Mills''': He's saying, &quot;Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...&quot;
:'''Mary Darling''': That's the dial tone.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Dial tone? ''[hangs up]'' Well, this is a very old phone. ''[to George and Mary]'' He's holding your children in what I presume is an underground sex club called Neverland.
:'''George Darling''': Oh thank goodness, you do security work for bankers like myself, Mr. Mills, but how will you reach the children? They were flying!
:'''Mary Darling''': I think I heard them say something about thinking happy thoughts.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Happy thoughts, eh? ''[imagining himself in the thought bubble, grabbing Peter Pan and throwing him on a step]''
:'''Peter Pan''': No! No! Please!
:''[Bryan crushes Peter's head destroying his face, the thought bubble vanishes]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': Whoo hoo, off I go! ''[flies through the roof]''
:''[Scene cuts to Neverland, Bryan kills the Lost Boys, except Slightly, who turns around and sees the other Lost Boys dead covered in blood]''
:'''Slightly''': ''[farts]'' I just pooped in my tail!
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[holding Slightly at knifepoint]'' Where are the children?!
:''[Slightly farts again before we cut to Wendy and the mermaids]''
:'''Wendy''': I've never meet real live mermaids before.
:'''Mermaid''': ''[laughs]'' That's so fun! Lets drown this bitch! ''[grabs Wendy by her arms]''
:'''Wendy''': No, please, no! ''[opens her eyes to see the mermaids dead]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[wearing the seashell bra]'' Wendy, where are your brothers?
:'''Wendy''': There! On the pirate ship!
:''[Cut to the Pirate ship where John and Michael are cornered by Captain Hook]''
:'''Captain Hook''': Time for these little chickadees to walk the plank! ''[laughs]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[near the dead pirates]'' Tick-tock, time's up! ''[kicks Captain Hook, who falls while screaming into the crocodile's mouth]'' I'm taking you home, children.
:'''Peter Pan''': ''[arrives with Tinkerbell]'' Not so fast, you old codfish! ''[Tinkerbell flies up to Bryan taunting him, Bryan uses his shoe to squash her]'' Tink! Oh, good luck getting home without her fairy dust, asshole!
:'''Bryan Mills''': Why would I want to leave when my happy thoughts are about to come true?
:'''Peter Pan''': Your what? ''[Bryan grabs him and throws him to a step]'' Oh! No! NO! ''[Bryan crashes his head with his foot before his shadow comes out]''
:'''Wendy''': Okay, but seriously man, how the ''[bleep]'' are we getting home?!
:'''Bryan Mills''': Hang on. ''[grabs Peter's shadow and throws it on the same step]''
:'''Peter's shadow''': No, no, wait! ''[screams as Bryan crushes its head in black blood with his foot]''

===Bitch Pudding Special [7.16]===
:''[Part 1 starts, as a funeral for Granny Graham Crackers is taking place at the Strawberryland Church; Raspberry Parfait is speaking at the podium]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Even on cloudy days, Pastryville always had a ray of sunshine. And her name was Granny Graham Crackers. Remember when she knit your favorite scarf, Black Cherry Pie?
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': ''[caressing her scarf fondly]'' I wear it everyday, Raspberry Parfait.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': And Fudge Turnover, remember when she fixed you leaky roof?
:'''Fudge Turnover''': She got heat-stroke and fell into the hedges.
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': ''[indignant]'' While you watched Tango and Cash on Netflix!
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Yes! While I watched Tango and Cash on Netflix.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': And Buttermilk Biscuits, I remember when Granny drove all the way to the big city to get-
:'''Buttermilk Biscuits''': ''[gesturing towards her neck]'' No. Nope. Mnh-mnh.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Your...tonsils out?
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Yeah, your unborn tonsils.
:''[Black Cherry Pie scowls at him]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': ''[clears her throat]'' Now then if there are no more speakers? ''[no one says a word, to her relief]'' Great! Then, in conclusion- ''[But Bitch Pudding opens the door just then. Everyone is shocked. Bitch Pudding walks up to the podium, lightly shoving her out of the way]'' W-We were just wrapping up here, Bitch Pudding.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[grabs the microphone and begin to speak in her calm southern accent]'' I remember Granny. ''[the audience is still dumbfounded]'' I remember her smile. ''[the audience looks relieved]'' I remember how much she loved baking sugar cookies. ''[wipes a tear from her eye]''
:'''All''': ''[react happily]'' Ahh!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': But most of all, I remember... ''[giving a angry rant]'' her rank-ass old-lady farts.
:''[Everyone gasps in shock]''
:''[Raspberry Parfait'': ''[facepalming]'' Oh, God.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': This bitch had no sense of smell, no sense of hearing, so all day long, she was like &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbhhhhhht!&quot;
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Okay. ''[chuckles]'' That's enough-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[pushes Raspberry Parfait and continues]'' And when you're a hundred years old, I guess panties are just an afterthought. I mean, raise your hand if you never saw Granny airing out the Ark of the Covenant! ''[while she’s talking, Raspberry Parfait does the hand signal to turn the camera off, but she then mouths &quot;What the?&quot; Everyone gasps and groans]'' I hope Granny is in heaven, but she had a gambling addiction, so Satan might be doing her up the butt. ''[Everyone gasps again]'' Knock twice if Satan's doing you up the butt, Granny. ''[in Granny's voice]'' I love it up the butt from Satan, everybody! ''[in Satan's voice]'' You rule, Granny! Ha ha! ''[begins humping the coffin; the others gasp and groan in shock once more]'' Now hit my ''[bleep]''ing theme song!
:''[Music plays in the style of “The Trooper” by Iron Maiden, as Bitch Pudding walks down the aisles where she steals an audience member's apple and takes a single bite before giving it to German Chocolate Cake and out of the church, where she closes the doors as the title for the special appears. Everyone starts murmuring]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Now, then-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[bursts into the church again, briefly]'' Da-da-da-da! Bitch Puddin'. Blam! ''[runs off; later that night, she is playing a shooter video game, where she is taking out several in-game enemies]'' Yeah! Suck it.
:''[Bitch Pudding's game avatar approaches a villager character]''
:'''Villager''': You have saved my village!
:''[Bitch Pudding's game avatar shoots the villager dead]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': You mean &quot;my&quot; village! ''[a rumble of thunder is heard as Bitch Pudding's house experiences a power outage and the TV screen dies]'' Aw!
:''[As more rumbles of thunder are heard, a mysterious hooded figure appears behind an unsuspecting Bitch Pudding, revealed by the illumination of lightning outside. The figure is seen first holding a knife, then an axe, then a pistol, and then finally a baseball bat, which the figure uses to club Bitch Pudding in the head-she grunts and falls unconscious]''
:''[To be continued...]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Part 2 starts]''
:''[A few hours later]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Augh. Where?
:'''The Mailbird''': Oh, sounds like my cargo just woke up!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hey! You're that damn bird that delivers our mail.
:'''The Mailbird''': You bet your feathers. But tonight, I'm gettin' paid to make a special delivery. Neither rain nor sleet nor snow will keep your ass out of that volcano. Adios, Bitch Pudding. ''[Bitch Pudding, however, is trying to escape from him]'' Glurk! Ooh! Aah!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': You flying turd! Who hired you?
:'''The Mailbird''': You kill me, we both die.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Good point, jazz cloth. But, on the other hand.
:'''The Mailbird''': Ow! ''[falls]'' Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[falls]'' Ohhhhhhhh!!! ''[Bleeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Ow! Ow! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Ow! Oh! Ow! Oh! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeeeeeeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Oh, ''[bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Mother''[bleep]''ing mother''[bleep]'' er! Ow! Ow! ''[Bleep]'' me! Oh, God! ''[Bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''! ''[hits the tree]'' Ow! ''[Bleep]''! Ohhh! ''[BLEEEEEEEP]''!!!!!
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding opens her eyes to see the Schlorps]''
:'''Schlorp 1''': Who is she?
:'''Schlorp 2''': Grandpappy will know.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Please, stop talking. Your voice is irritating as ''[bleep]''!
:'''Schlorp 2''': How rude!
:'''Schlorp 3''': Well, she's not wrong.
:'''Schlorp 4''': Who is that?
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Welcome to Schlorptown, stranger! We are the Schlorps. And my name is Grandpappy Schlorp.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Are you in charge of this sh*thole?
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': You see anyone else with a beard around here?
:'''Schlorp 2''': We should Schlorp the &quot;Get to know you&quot; song!
:''[Everyone laughs and the peppy music plays]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed]'' No.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪If you get to know me,♪
:♪Then I'll get to know you!♪
:♪Once you're in the group,♪
:♪You're a friend through-and-through!♪
:'''Fishing Pole Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Fishing Pole Schlorp and I catch all the fish!♪
:'''Basketball Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Basketball Schlorp watch this!♪
:'''Schlorps''': Swish!
:'''I.B.S. Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm I.B.S. Schlorp!♪
:♪You'll find me on the stalls♪
:'''Wintertime Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Wintertime Schlorp♪
:♪I'm sweating off my balls?
:'''Chinese Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm a Schlorp who come from China.♪
:'''Miss Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Miss Schlorp with a vagina!♪
:'''Kazoo Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm a Schlorp who plays kazoo♪
:'''Kung Fu Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm a Schlorp who wants Kung Fu!♪ ''[accidentally karate chops on the schlorp]'' So sorry!
:'''Schlorps''': ''[singing]'' ♪So how about the stranger?♪
:♪Tell us all about you!♪
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[grabs Banjo Schlorp's banjo to play it, but swears]'' ♪Shut the ''[bleep]'' u-u-up!!!♪
:''[Discordant note plays. She breaks the banjo and a fishing pole, while kicking a basketball far away. Afterwards, she gets angry to make the Schlorps feel shockingly bad]''
:'''I.B.S. Schlorp''': ''[his stomach growls]'' Oh, god! I'm not gonna make it. I'm not gonna make it. I'm not gonna make it. ''[craps himself]'' Aw. I didn't make it.
:''[Meanwhile, Grandpappy Schlorp tries to create a cast to Bitch Pudding's broken arm]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Ow, you old bastard!
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': There you go. Good as new. Ah, Schlorpette. Is that the Schlorp nut soup for our guest?
:'''Schlorpette''': Yes, but this is the last of our Schlorp nuts. They're all gone.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Aww. The last of the Schlorp nuts. And with winter on its way.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': This tastes like moose dick! I got to go home! Some asshole tried to kill me, so that asshole's gonna get my boot up his asshole.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': With the Schlorp nuts gone, our village faces starvation. You see, the nuts were stolen by the evil squirrel wizard on one tree hill.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Phhhhhhht!
:'''Schlorpette''': It was called that before the show.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': This squirrel sounds like a pissy.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Then perhaps we can make a deal. Bring our nuts home and we help get your butt home.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Uuuuuuuugh! ''[knocks the door]''
:'''Trevor''': ''[arrives]'' Who dares disturb the sa-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blam! ''[attacking Trevor]'' Haungh, haungh, hungh! Lick my taco, Squirrel Wizard. Give those dicks their nuts back!
:'''Schlorpette''': Bitch Pudding! That's not the Squirrel Wizard!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Huh? Who the hell is it?
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Trevor? Trevor?! Oh, my god! Trevor!
:'''Schlorpette''': His life partner.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Yuh-oh.
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Rrrrrrrrrrah!
:'''Schlorpette''': Aaaaaah!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Squirrel alert! Squirrel alert!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Rrrrrrrrrgh!
:'''All''': Ohh!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': ''[starts attacking the Schlorps]'' Suck on this! Suck on this! Suck on this!
:'''Schlorp 2''': Ow! Ooh! Ow!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Can't stay. Gotta go. Blam. ''[leaves]''
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Stay and fight, coward!
:'''Schlorp 1''': Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai!
:''[To be continued...]''

===Batman Forever 21 [7.17]===
===The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's [7.18]===
===Chipotle Miserables [7.19]===
===The Robot Chicken Lots of Holidays But Don't Worry Christmas is Still In There Too so Pull the Stick Out of Your Ass Fox News Special [7.20]===</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147971</id>
      <parentid>3147957</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T01:54:11Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Bitch Pudding Special [7.16] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="55743" xml:space="preserve">===G.I. Jogurt [7.01]===
:''[At the Emmy Awards, a G.I. Joe PSA of Roadblock talking to two children is shown on the big screen]''
:'''Roadblock''': I don't know why a 7-year-old would need to deep fry a turkey, but know you know how.
:'''Children''': And knowing is half the battle.
:''[The PSA ends with the &quot;G.I. Joe&quot; jingle]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Be a Turkey on Thanksgiving&quot;.
:''[The G.I. Joes clap, and Duke kisses Scarlett before he heads up with Roadblock to collect their award, while COBRA Commander and Destro watch on from the cheap seats]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': Look at them, Destro. The Joes churn out pedestrian advice to dead-eyed children, and the public eats it up! ''[mocking the Joes]'' &quot;Hey, kids, don't play with fallen electrical lines.&quot; ''[normal voice]'' Reads like a dispatch from the no-shit clinic.
:'''Destro''': I'll get the nerve gas.
:'''COBRA Commander''': No, you fool. We'll beat them at their own game. ''[clenching his fist]'' We'll create our own PSAs!
:''[Cut to COBRA Commander, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, and the Crimson Twins in the briefing room at COBRA Headquarters]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': OK, OK, let's just throw some ideas out there. This is a safe creative place. Dr. Mindbender, go.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Well, I thought our PSA could communicate an idea non-verbally. I've discovered that painting directly on celluloid creates a sort of &quot;tone poem&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Holy ''[bleep]'', that's sounds terrible. I'm sorry, safe place, but holy shit, that was fucking dumb. Next!
:'''Baroness''': ''[enters the room]'' Oh, I forgot you guys were in here writing. I was just looking for a hammer to hang my degree in screenwriting from Aberdeen. Anything I can do for you while I'm in here? ''[looks at him]'' Destro?
:'''Destro''': She's actually really funny, you guys.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Hey, you lost me at &quot;She's&quot;. ''[Bleep'' it! We're doing it without a script.
:''[Cut to the set of COBRA's PSAs, as Destro supervises, Storm Shadow is having his makeup done by one COBRA soldier, and two more soldiers move a camera. Dr. Mindbender enters the set with a group of children]''
:'''Destro''': Dr. Mindbender, you found four young children for our PSAs.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Uh, yes. ''[puts his arms around the children]'' That is what these kidnapped children are for.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[talking to Storm Shadow, who is reading his lines]'' OK, Storm Shadow, these two children will be running with scissors. Now, this upsets you, and you...
:'''Storm Shadow''': Why?
:'''COBRA Commander''': It's dangerous to run with scissors.
:'''Storm Shadow''': I run with Katana. Is that not dangerous?
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow, I hadn't thought of that. Excellent point, Storm Shadow. ''[whispers to Tomax]'' Get this piece of ''[bleep]'' off my set!
:''[One of the children runs past, giggling while running with scissors, but ends up getting killed by Storm Shadow]''
:'''Storm Shadow''': Well, COBRA Commander, it looks like I owe you an apology.
:''[First COBRA PSA: Serpentor telling children about using supplies only at the post office]''
:'''Serpentor''': So, remember, only take supplies if you'll use them for post office business. Any other use is a felony.
:'''Boy''': Now I'm aware.
:'''Serpentor''': ''[putting his arms around the children and smiling]'' And awareness is the second 50% of the conflict in question. ''[beat]'' Somebody say ''[bleep]''ing &quot;Cut&quot;!
:''[Second COBRA PSA: COBRA Commander tells children about the joys of reading]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': And I think you'll find it's not hard to read when you take the time to sssssssssound it out. ''[both children giggle]'' Oh, yesss, I've got a sssmall ssspeech impediment. ''[both children laugh; irritated]'' It'sss not funny! ''[removes his mask, as the children scream and run away, only for the Commander to shoot them dead]'' Shut. It. Down.
:''[At the next Emmy Awards...]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Star in a COBRA PSA&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[shaking his fist]'' What?!
:'''Destro''': ''[shouting over to the troops]'' Pump the nerve gas!

===Link's Sausages [7.02]===
:''[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are standing in the street]''
:'''Tommy Pickles''': ''[holding his Reptar doll]'' Well, after crossing the freeway, base jumping off a cliff, and dodging bullets in a gang war, we finally found my Reptar doll.
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enters the street, finding the babies]'' Tommy! What are you doing in the street?!
:''[Cut to the Pickles' house]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, thank God! They've been lost for hours! Where were they?
:'''Didi Pickles''': Stu, a word?  ''[they walk into the kitchen, their voices get muffled as they talk with the door shut]'' What the ''[bleep]'', Stu?!
:'''Stu Pickles''': Well, I'm sorry. The babies escaped, and I-
:'''Didi Pickles''': Escaped?! They're babies, you sackless moron!
:'''Stu Pickles''': I was downstairs, working on a new toy, and they just-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, a new toy! Never mind, then!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[tearing up]'' Didi, if you keep ridiculing my work, I-I swear to God-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enraged]'' What?! You'll hit me?! Ooh, you're such a man!
:''[Thudding and crashing are heard as Didi violently beats Stu offscreen]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': Didi, stop!
:'''Didi Pickles''': I'll be the man! See, Stu?! I'm the man!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[sobbing]'' I want a divorce!
:''[The babies look devastated as the screen cut to static]''

===Secret of the Booze [7.03]===
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf shaving his beard in his house]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': I don't usually get involved in day-to-day operations, so I'm smurfing undercover. They'll never smurf it's me. ''[chuckles; takes off his pants]'' Ohh, I haven't smurfed these things off in nearly 300 years! Talk about crotch rot!
:''[Title Card: Undercover Smurf Boss]''
:'''Farmer Smurf''': So, you're my new intern, huh?
:'''Papa Smurf''': That's right, Farmer Smurf. Teach me to care about your sad, little life...I mean your noble and fulfilling, uh, career choice.
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Well, Smurfs are a thirsty bunch, so we got to smurf them fresh milk every day!
:''[A giant caterpillar slithers in and turns onto its side, revealing its udders]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[being filmed]'' We've been drinking CATERPILLAR MILK?! ''[milks the giant caterpillar, his hands getting sore]'' Oh, this is agony. It feels like my hands are gonna smurf off!
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Yep, my carpal tunnel got so bad, they had to fuse my wrist bones in place!
:'''Papa Smurf''': But our healthcare is smurfy, right?
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Eh, my deductible is 2,000 smurfberries.
:'''Papa Smurf''': WHAT?! ''[cash register dings]''
:''[Title Card: 1 Smurfberry = 1.78 USD]''
:''[Scene cuts to the Smurf Hospital. Doctor Smurf packs his medical bag]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': Doctor Smurf, why are deductibles so high?
:'''Doctor Smurf''': Boy, you smurf a lot of uppity questions for an intern. Uh, just treat the next patient while I go for a Jamba Juice run in my gold-plated helicopter.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Actually, I'm not really qualified.
:''[Outside the window, Doctor Smurf takes off in his gold-plated helicopter. Door opens, Smurfette and Handy Smurf enter the room]''
:'''Smurfette''': We need Doctor Smurf! Handy had an accident!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Did someone get a sliver? ''[Handy shows his bleeding hand, missing all of his fingers]'' OH MY SMURFING GOD!!!
:'''Handy Smurf''': I sawed right through a load-bearing mushroom! Half our building materials are fungus! Oh, trade school didn't prepare me for this!
:'''Smurfette''': You can smurf his fingers, right, nurse?
:'''Papa Smurf''': I'll certainly try. ''[being filmed]'' I certainly tried.
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf sewing Handy's fingers while Handy lies dead on the table]''
:'''Smurfette''': ''[crying]'' You can probably stop sewing.
:'''Papa Smurf''': No, no, no. I-I'm gonna get this. ''[walks up to Grouchy Smurf]'' So, Grouchy Smurf, how's the coffee today?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate coffee!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh! Okay. But how do you like working here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate working here.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh, goodness. Okay. Well, is there anything that maybe Papa Smurf could do?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate Papa Smurf!
:'''Papa Smurf''': All right, what exactly do you do around here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I-I hate stuff?
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[puts on his red hat]'' I'm being deadly serious.
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I...I... ''[cuts to him, shoveling dog poop outside]'' I hate shoveling dog ''[bleep]''.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Well, now that's actually an appropriate reaction. Carry on, dog-''[bleep]'' Smurf! ''[leaves]''
:''[More dog poop falls from above, next to Grouchy]''

===Rebel Appliance [7.04]===
:'''Lion-O''': My fellow Thundercats! When danger is near, I shall hold the Sword of Omens aloft and yell out a battle cry
:'''Cheetara''': What shall our battle cry be, Lion-O?
:'''Lion-O''': &quot;Thunder, thunder, thunder, thundercats, I need you because evil is near, and we are friends, and we are a team. So we must come together and fight because the Eye of Thundera is in the sky, and it is summoning everyone together. So please come here Panthro and Tygra and Panthro and also Cheetara and also Wilykit and Wilicat and also Snarf. I think I said Panthro twice. I won't do that every time. Yes, we are the Thundercats. This is our battle cry. I love you guys. You are my best friends, and I am Lion-O and I am a Thundercat, and you guys are Thundercats too. Mumm Ra is not a Thundercat, he's bad and we're gonna win against him, because we are the Thundercats, and the Thundercats are here for you today because we are the Thundercats yeah, I'm Lion-O&quot;. I hope you write that down.
:'''Snarf''': I liked it. ''[Wilykat slaps him]'' OW!

===Legion of Super-Gyros [7.05]===
:''[With Grover and Oscar the Grouch]''
:'''Grover''': Oh boy, it sure is a great day here on Sesame Street!
:'''Oscar''': Yeah, especially since we're the last neighborhood in New York that hasn't been gentrified.
:'''Grover''': Until today, because our special guest is Hannah Horvath from the marginally popular but ignored in the flyover states HBO series, Girls!
:'''Hannah''': Hey, do you know where I could find a cocaine dealer/organic Vietnamese taco truck around here?
:'''Oscar''': ''[Bleep]'' me! ''[gets back inside his trash can]''
:'''Hannah''': ''[feels Grover]'' Ooh, you're so cute! ''[later that night]'' I really love how you don't play games, Grover.
:'''Grover''': Oh but I play lots of games, patty cake, and marco polo...Ugh!
:'''Hannah''': ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jacking off]'' Insult my parents! Oh yeah!
:'''Grover''': Woah! ''[scene cuts to him and Hannah learning about numbers with apples]'' Today, we are going to learn about the number 3, I have 3 apples!
:'''Hannah''': And I know 3 girls who were date raped at the same bar on 6th street.
:'''Grover''': That is sad. ''[Hannah eats the apple]'' Uh...you're eating my props.
:'''Hannah''': I'm proud of my body.
:'''Grover''': I know, I know.
:'''Hannah''': Ugh! Yeah! ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jerking off again]''
:'''Grover''': Oh, God!

===El Skeletorio [7.06]===
:'''Crypt Keeper''': Oh, hello! I was just enjoying the latest best &quot;heller&quot;! ''[laughs evilly, but then rips off book cover]'' This is actually Dan Brown's &quot;Inferno.&quot; It's a piece of shit. Our next tale is something of an &quot;alle-gory&quot;! You might say it's a &quot;meta-gore&quot;! Let's just roll it.
:''[Cuts to the outside of Bitch Pudding's house, where the title of the sketch appears. We cut to inside the hpuse, where Bitch Pudding is sleeping]''
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out. Get out of the house. Get out of the hou-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Why don't you get your tongue out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole so I can jam your mama's ''[bleep]'' up there, you ''[bleep]''-gargling pile of monkey spunk? Nothing to say now, huh?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': There's just a lot to unpack there.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Well, wake me up when you figure it out, ''[bleep]'' stick. ''[goes back to sleep]''
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding goes to her fridge when she sees the chairs and flower pot of her table are now completely deformed]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed, she flips them over and destroys them]'' BLAM! Where's your ''[bleep]''-ass art project now, ''[bleep]'' nut?
:'''Ghostly voice''': It wasn't supposed to be art, it was supposed to scare you! God! Forget it! I'm leaving! ''[cuts to Strawberry Shortcake's house, where she is sleeping]'' Strawberry Shortcake!
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': ''[wakes up]'' Huh? What?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out of the house!
:''[A red substance begins to ooze out of the walls, causing Strawberry Shortcake to scream in fear]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[breaks in through the window]'' Hey, ''[bleep]''ing clown, if you're ragging so bad, why don't you take your mama's tampon out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole and lick it clean before you shove it up your ''[bleep]''?!
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Hey, stop talking about my dad's ''[bleep]''hole! I'll-I'll leave town, okay? Oh, FYI, that isn't blood, that is strawberry jam, m'lady. The insulation is leaking. All I did was turn the painting upside down. Live with it.
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': Do you think he was right about the insulation? That could be berry expensive.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hmm, let's see. That depends on whether I give a ''[bleep]'', ''[bleep]'' tits! ''[make a fanfare noise]'' Bitch Pudding! BLAM! ''[jumps out the window]''
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': I should really move.

===Snarfer Image [7.07]===
:''[Ticking, cuts to Elmer Fudd in a field]''
:'''Elmer Fudd:'' ''[narrating]'' Time travel has not been invented yet, ''[cocks his gun]'' but in 30 years, it will be. ''[gunshot]'' In the future, TV networks don't awwow cartoons to have guns, so if they want to kill someone, they send them back here to me. My name is Elmer Fudd, and I'm a Wooper. ''[Title Card: Wooper]'' The only wule is never let your target escape, even if your target is you.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': ''[appears in the field]'' What are you waiting for? Shoot me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': What?!
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': In the future, they don't let me have a gun! That was my one dimension as a character! Know what I did yesterday? I slept for 15 hours and then beat it to a Weader's Digest! Help me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': I can't.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': Come on, give it to me. ''[crying]'' Pleeeease. ''[gunshot]''
:'''Yosemite Sam''': ''[appears in the field]'' I'll have what he's having. ''[gunshot]''
:''[Cuts to Porky Pig on the Looney Tunes circles. The words &quot;That's all, folks!&quot; appear in front]''
:'''Porky Pig''': Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-...That's all, folks! ''[gunshot]''

===Up, Up, and Buffet [7.08]===
:'''Fiona''': The spell has broken! This was my true form all along! I can't wait to marry you, Shrek!
:'''Shrek''': Marry you?
:'''Fiona''': Well, yeah! Since we look the same now, we'll live happily ever after!
:'''Shrek''': Fiona, every morning, I look at myself in the mirror, and I wish my mother had the courage to throw me in the river when I was born. Then I make my way to the putrid swamps, the only place on God's green Earth a monster like me feels at home. Sometimes, children gather to scream at me. &quot;Monster!  Animal!&quot;, they yell. Then someone screams, &quot;Kill yourself!&quot; and it takes a few seconds to realize the voice is coming from my own mouth! By then, I've made my way to the old hanging tree. Before I have time to think about it, I'm wrapping a vine around my own neck. It goes &quot;tot&quot; and I pray to the gods that this time, the vine will hold! But alas, everyday, I wake up in my own filth and I lie there and I cry. I cry because I'll live to see my face again! So nay, marrying a lass with a face as hideous as my own is not on my to-do list!
:'''Fiona''':''[with her mouth full]'' Have you tried these mini cheeseburgers? They're great! ''[sees Shrek hanging from a noose, and to Shrek's disappointment, the noose snaps]''

===Panthropologie [7.09]===
:''[Caption: LEGO City, 2014]''
:'''Wife''': Honey, look out! Cliche!
:'''Gerry''': Huh? ''[all screaming]'' What's happening?!
:'''Cop''': Kre-O! They're everywh- Aah! ''[gets torn apart by the Kre-O's]''
:'''Wife''': There's something wrong with them. They look like us but different!
:'''General''': ''[lands in the helicopter]'' This way! Hurry! Your life has more value than other people! ''[the Lanes get onto the helicopter]'' Gerry, we need your expertise!
:'''Gerry''': My expertise? I'm not a soldier!
:'''General''': Gerry, we need a lawyer.
:''[Title Card: WORLD WAR B (as in blocks)]''
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': Put simply, Gerry, we're being invaded by imitation blocks.
:'''Assistant''': Off-brand products with a taste for LEGO blood!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': They're nearly identical but different. Wrong. Like when you sit on your hand until it goes to sleep. You try to pretend Flo from the Progressive commercials is giving you an HJ, but you know it's not Flo. You know that! She'd never be so clumsy, so artless.
:'''General''': That's impossible! We're trademarked!
:'''Gerry''': No, general. LEGO bricks aren't protected by trademark. They're protected by patent.
:'''General''': Hell, man, what's the difference?
:'''Gerry''': The difference is...patents expire! Cool! Someone turned that legal document into a GIF. That's fun.
:'''General''': Isn't it &quot;jiff&quot;? Anyway, how do we stop it?
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': There's nothing we can do. ''[whispering]'' Don't worry, Flo. I'll protect you.
:'''Assistant''': Don't worry, girl from the Wendy's commercials.
:'''General''': Don't worry, GEICO gecko.
:''[Cut to the map]''
:'''Gerry''': ''[narrating]'' They covered the whole globe in no time: Mega Bloks, Kre-O, Best-Lock, CoCo, BanBao, Rokenbok, Super Blocks, and Leggo with two g's, which was especially insulting.
:''[Caption: Lego Headquarters, Denmark]''
:''[Zombies groaning]''
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' LEGO my baby, LEGO my honey, LEGO my ragtime gal...
:'''Son''': Daddy, are we safe?
:'''Gerry''': Of course we are, son. People are singing, aren't they? Ugh. That is the lowest form of music.
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' ...Honey, you'll lose me, then you'll be left alone...
:''[Zombies groaning loudly]''
:'''Gerry''': The terrible singing! They're attracted to the terrible singing! ''[the zombies start climbing over the walls. Gerry knocks out the quartet. Soldiers start shooting]'' Ohh! - Ow! Fire! Fire! They're too fast!-Ohh!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': ''[runs in with the syringe]'' Gerry, I've found a way to camouflage ourselves!
:'''Gerry''': That beats my solution. ''[acts out shooting zombies, and then acts out shooting himself]'' Pew pew! Pew pew! Pew!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': LEGOs are machined to a tolerance of 10 micrometers! That's why we're so expensive! But this serum will make us look cheaper and sloppier! ''[injects himself]'' Aah! ''[turns into a Playmobil figure]'' We look like them now!
:'''Gerry''': I'd rather die.
:'''Son''': ''[notices something]'' What?! They have Transformers?
:'''Gerry''': No, son! No!
:'''Son''': Aah! ''[Bumblebee rips him in half]''
:'''Gerry''': Nooooooo!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': You probably don't even want to go on living now.
:'''Gerry''': Huh? Oh, that was just a kid from my wife's first marriage. But that looked really painful. Hit me with the juice! ''[gets injected]'' Ugh! ''[the serum transforms him into...]'' No! You turned me into a ''[bleep]''ing DUPLO! It's the same company as LEGO, you fool! Aah! Aah! ''[Mrs. Lane and the Doctor run away whilst DUPLO Gerry gets his head ripped off]'' Guys, is this ending working? Let's re-shoot it.
:''[Zombies murmuring]''

===Catdog on a Stick [7.10]===
:'''Executive''': You sure you wanna do a movie, Tiger?
:'''Tiger''': I want to be beloved again, like before I had sex with all those waitresses from IHOP. Jordan did Space Jam. I want my Space Jam.
:'''Executive''': Well, studios aren't lining up to lend their characters to a Tiger Woods movie. Everyone aggressively passed except DiC, but I cannot recommend that.
:''[Cut to the title card for the Golf Jam movie]''
:'''Singers''': Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to Tiger on the golf course]''
:'''Tiger''': Time for a day of playing golf and being faithful to my girlfriend. ''[falls down a large hole]'' What? Whoooooooa!! ''[lands in DiC Land, surrounded by Heathcliff and other DiC characters]'' Ow!
:'''Heathcliff''': Welcome to DiC Land, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[getting up from his fall and waving hello]'' Why, hi, Garfield.
:'''Heathcliff''': I'm Heathcliff. I'm more romantic and have an accent. This is Cleo.
:'''Cleo''': We need your help, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to put my penis in you... ''[snaps back to attention, and looks at the camera]'' I mean, I love my girlfriend.
:'''Cleo''': We brought you here because the evil Dork Punks challenged us to a game of golf.
:'''Tiger''': ''[once again enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to hump your face... ''[flustered]'' I mean, help your face- ''[snaps out of it again]'' Help you, I will help you!
:''[The Dork Punks walk into the shot, as Tiger turns to look at them]''
:'''Dork Punk''': Let's tee off, DiC-heads!
:''[Tiger and Heathcliff look at each other and nod, and we cut to a golf-playing montage. Tiger (now wearing a cap with the DiC logo on it) hits a beautful shot as Heathcliff, Cleo, and a couple of other toons watch. LongArm uses his gauntlet to sink a putt, as Tiger chats up Princess Lana and receives a slap to the face from her. As Cleo prepares to sink her putt, Tiger walks up from behind and starts pretending to hump her. Ja-Kal prepares to take a shot as Armon looks on, but a piece of Armon's gauze is caught on Ja-Kal's club. As Ja-Kal swings, he and Armon both get tied up in Armon's gauze. Tiger is seen in one of the bunkers with Nefer-Tina sitting on top of him, as she unwraps the gauze from her upper body much to Tiger's delight. The montage ends as Tiger is getting ready to sink his final putt, with Cleo and Hammerman watching on]''
:'''Hammerman''': If you sink this putt, we win!
:'''Tiger''': Wish me luck, Bobby Brown.
:'''Hammerman''': Bobby Brown? I'm Hammerman! I'm M.C. Hammer, except not, and I have magic shoes. ''[shows off his magic dancing shoes]''
:'''Tiger''': ''[looks at Cleo]'' You know, I don't even know if I want to save you DiC's. You're just uninspired rehashes of good ideas. Seriously, how cheap is DiC? This is a movie, and you all look like you were drawn on a napkin.
:'''Cleo''': Win the game and I'll blow you.
:''[Upon hearing this, Tiger immediately sinks the putt and wins the game. As the DiC toons celebrate, Tiger unzips his pants and takes a terrified Cleo by the hand into the Pancake House for his well-earned blowjob]''
:'''Hammerman''': ''[rapping]'' Everybody tee off, get a club in your hands, charisma-free sex addict saving DiC Land! Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to black with the bold white text &quot;Golf Jam was rented once from Redbox. The copy was returned on time.&quot;]''

===Super Guitaro Center [7.11]===
:'''Shredder''': The &quot;Channel 6 News Masquerade Ball&quot; is the opportunity for me to kidnap April O'Neil. She's the perfect bait to catch the turtles. ''[surprised to see April's costume]'' Wow! Out of that bulky lesbian jumpsuit, she's hot as ''[bleep]''!
:'''April''': Care to dance, Mr. Potter?
:'''Shredder''': WHAT?! ''[cuts to Shredder dancing with April]'' And, what's your costume?
:'''April''': Belle from &quot;Beauty and The Beast&quot;, but a dick-slut.
:'''Shredder''': Is your favorite restaurant, Taco &quot;Belle&quot;?
:''[Both laugh]''
:'''April''': You are hilarious.
:'''Shredder''': On the count of 3, say your favorite band. 1, 2, 3!
:'''Shredder and April''': Toad the Wet Sprocket! ''[pause, they both kiss]''
:'''April''': ''[feels the blade, and gasped]'' Wait. Are you-
:'''Shredder''': In love? Yes. WHAT?! Bye! ''[leaves]''
:'''April''': ''[realizing]'' Shredder?
:''[Cut to Shredder with April outside her apartment after the party]''
:'''Shredder''': Think of something poetic, Oroku. ''[to April]'' But soft, you are total boner food!
:'''April''': Oh, Shredder. My heart doesn't take sides.
:'''Shredder''': People won't approve.
:'''April''': No one can keep us apart.
:''[They both kiss again. Then cuts to the sewer]''
:'''Raphael''': Aww, Hell to the No! ''[punches a brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''April''': We're soul mates! We both love Toad the Wet Sprocket.
:'''Michelangelo''': Toad the-What?! Is that a sex thing?! Have you guys had sex?!
:'''April''': No. Just dry humping, and ball play.
:'''Raphael''': Ball play?! ''[punches the same brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''Splinter''': You must stay away from Shredder, April. He is dangerous. Sleep here tonight. Donatello, grab the guest pillows.
:''[Donatello grabs pizza boxes which are the guest pillows, and puts them on the couch. Later while everyone's asleep, Shredder comes up from behind the couch to see April]''
:'''April''': ''[gasps]'' What are you doing here?
:'''Shredder''': I came to say &quot;Hi&quot;, ''[lays down next to her]'' and also have sex after the whole &quot;Hi&quot; thing.
:'''April''': It's like Six Flags Hurricane Harbor in my panties right now. ''[they both kiss again. Later, we see her and Shredder outside the manhole]'' Mmm, Mmm. You really Toadied my Wet Sprocket. When will I see you again?
:'''Shredder''': Soon, I hope. I should go before the turtles wake up. Plus, I have some major ExtenZe farts coming on. ''[farts]''
:''[Next morning while April was having her breakfast]''
:'''Donatello''': April, just go on one date with Casey. He's a good guy.
:'''April''': Casey is a jobless loser in sweats! ''[walks away]''
:'''Casey''': Good start to my morning.
:'''[Cut to April with the Rat King]''
:'''April''': So, I left. What should I do, Mr. Rat King? I belong with Shredder.
:'''Rat King''': I have an idea! And my idea involves you taking a lot of poison very quickly.
:'''April''': ''[pause, interested]'' Go on?
:''[Cut to April playing dead]''
:'''Shredder''': ''[shocked]'' It can't be! April?! NO!!!! WHY?!?! ''[accidentally hits April with his spikes]''
:'''April''': ''[wakes up in pain]'' Ow! Ow! Ow! What the ''[bleep]''?! Shredder!
:'''Shredder''': April! You're alive!
:'''April''': The poison only made me appear dead. Didn't you read &quot;Romeo and Juliet&quot;, you ''[bleep]''ing ass clown? ''[gags and dies]''
:'''Shredder''': NOOOOOOO!!!!!! ''[a few seconds of silence]'' Just gonna take my Toad the Wet Sprocket bootleg back. ''[takes his CD back, and leaves]''

===Noidstrom Rack [7.12]===
:'''Picard''': ''[dozing in the captain's chair on the bridge of the Enterprise]'' What's that Beverly? You want Wesley to watch? Hmm, make it so! ''[jerks awake]'' Oh, 2300 hours, time for the night crew to relieve us! ''[moves to leave the bridge, as Captain Jake enters]'' Captain.
:'''Captain Jake''': Capitan! ''[the Enterprise bridge crew file out, as their night crew replacements enter]'' Night crew, maintain course. ''[cut to the Enterprise moving through space]'' Space, the final frontier! These are the 11pm to 7am voyages of the Enterprise's night crew. Its continuing mission...is to PAR-TAY! ''[starts drinking from a beer can as the night crew cheer]''
:'''Night Crew''': Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! [A Borg cube appears on the view screen]
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Captain Jake, a Borg cube is hailing us.
:'''Captain Jake''': They probably want us to turn down our jams...Fat chance!
:'''Borg Drone''': Lower your shields, your culture will adapt to service us.
:'''Captain Jake''': You want us to service you?
:'''Borg Drone''': Affirmative. You will service the Borg, all night if needed! ''[Commander LaFreak sniggers. The Borg Drone looks unamused]'' Wait! Our hive mind has assimilated double entendres- real mature, guys! Prepare for assimilation! ''[the Borg cube begins to shoot at the Enterprise with its lasers]''
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Our shields won't last long, sir! Should we wake up the bald guy?
:'''Captain Jake''': ''[opens another can of beer]'' No way, Commander LaFreak! We'll beat the Borg like we beat that frat on Gallos 7!
:'''Commander LaFreak''': We'll sell naked photos of their girlfriends at a pie-eating contest?
:'''Captain Jake''': What?! No! Like any frat, the Borg share a hive mind, man. If we get one Borg to party, all Borg will party! Night crew, prepare to rock out with our Spocks out! ''[the night crew beam across to the Borg cube]'' Anybody order a partygram? ''[the night crew start playing music and drinking with the Borg drones in the cube. He pulls out a bottle of champagne to a female Borg drone]'' Wet t-shirt contest! ''[opens the champagne bottle on the female drone, who doesn't react even when he douses her chest]'' Oh right, no shirt...you want mine? ''[removes his Captain's jumper, just as the Borg drone he talked to advances on him]'' Whoa, chill out, dude! Wait, is she your daughter?
:'''Borg Drone''': Enough! Partying is futile! ''[jabs Captain Jake with its injection tubes, only to recoil. Captain Jake grins]'' Your blood, so full of beer! Your party, so hearty! ''[grabs a cup of beer from a Klingon night crew member and chugs it]'' Woo-hoooo! ''[the rest of the Borg join the drone and the night crew in partying]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Now this, I can assimilate! ''[he and the drone hug]''
:''[Cut to the Borg cube drawing a giant cock on a planet with its lasers. Cut to an awards ceremony on the bridge of the Enterprise]''
:'''Starfleet Admiral''': Captain Jake, Starfleet thanks you for defeating the Borg. ''[hangs a medal around Captain Jake's neck]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Bitchin'!
:'''Picard''': ''[fuming]'' NIGHT CREEEEEEWWWWW! ''[everyone looks round nervously, until he grins]'' Beer me! ''[the night crew cheer and Jake tosses Picard a can]'' You glorious sons of bitches!

===Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13]===
:''[The Disney Princess Castle is shown]''
:'''Snow White''': ''[from inside]'' Welcome to the Princess Summit, ''[cut to inside]'' where we address the complex political issues facing our kingdoms.
:'''Rapunzel''': Hairstyles.
:'''Cinderella''': Talking pets.
:'''Tiana''': Hairstyles for our talking pets.
:'''Ariel''': Crabs. ''[everyone looks at her in disgust]'' I've got crabs.
:'''Snow White''': Well, isn't that just, um...and where is our newest princess?
:'''Merida''': ''[enters, carrying a dead boar dripping with blood]'' Ach! Sorry I'm late. I killed a boar on the way here.
:'''Aurora''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, you're so feminist and empowered. Great.
:'''Merida''': ''[laying boar on the table and gutting it]'' 'Ey, wee beastie! Have we got to grievances yet? A bunch of wee dwarves are illegally mining me territory.
:'''Snow White''': Oh, Merida, you have far bigger problems. Let me tell you about them.
:'''Merida''': Not a damn song.
:'''Snow White''': ''[singing]'' Here's a list of things to drop;
:Your accent, bow, that tangled mop.
:Fifteen pounds from off your hips
:Those ginger afros 'neath your pits
:And no prince will want to mingle
:With a girl with no hit single.
:''[Cinderella, Aurora, and Ariel hold up gold records]''
:'''Cinderella''': ''[spoken]'' And your pet's hair is a disaster.
:'''Merida''': That's me mother! She's a bear! The trailer was very misleading! ''[holds the knife to Snow White's neck''] I came here looking for justice; instead, I found treachery. Prepare yourself for war. ''[Leaves]''
:'''Mulan''': ''[following Merida]'' Someone finally said it! See you on the killing field, round-eyes. ''[leaves]''
:'''Belle''': Amen, sister. ''[leaves]''
:'''Tiana''': Stuck-up bitches!
:''[Rapunzel follows. The remaining princesses look on. We transition to the next scene where Snow White is preparing her army for war against Merida's army]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, that Merida! I'll show her. ''[out the window]'' Send in my war counsel. ''[a cute Disney-esque bird flies up to the windowsill]'' What shall I do, little one?
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Core that bitch like an apple.
:'''Snow White''': Oh my.
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Weave a tapestry of their intestines.
:'''Snow White''': Okay, okay, I get it, I get it. We need weapons.
:'''Cinderella''': I've got a guy.
:''[The Fairy Godmother appears]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, good idea. We'll fight them with magic.
:'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[laying bag of assault weapons on table]'' Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo, that's twenty grand.
:'''Princesses''': Ooh, wow!
:'''Ariel''': Do you need thingamabobs? I've got thingamabobs.
:'''Jasmine''': Nobody cares about the dildo collection you dredged up from the Atlantic, you fishy bitch. ''[Ariel runs away crying]'' Anyone else have cold tits?
:''[We cut to Merida's training grounds]''
:'''Merida''': All right, ladies. Show me what you've got.
:'''Rapunzel''': ''[whips the practice dummy with her hair, dismembering it, then strangling it]'' I finally found the perfect conditioner— ''[pops the dummy's head off]'' blood!
:'''Louis''': ''[shooting arrows and missed the target]'' Oh, curse these stubby arms.
:'''Merida''': You're an alligator. Be an alligator!
:''[Louis turns to Mushu, who is standing beside him]''
:'''Mushu''': Oh, wait! Don't...!
:'''Louis''': ''[eats Mushu]'' Oh! I'm so sorry!
:'''Mulan''': No, no, it was...it was a good kill.
:''[Cut to Snow White's army, ready for their coming battle]''
:'''Snow White''': Not all of us will live to wish upon a star tonight, but we give our lives for a greater good.
:'''Aurora''': ''[yawning]'' Oh dear, I think I'm getting sleepy. I might have to sit this one out, guys.
:'''Snow White''': Don't you pull that shit now!
:'''Aurora''': Just teasing.
:''[An arrow fired by an off-screen Merida strikes Aurora in the throat, killing her instantly]''
:'''Merida''': ''[with her army at the top of a hill]'' Bring me the scalp and/or weave of Snow White! Charge!
:''[The armies charge at each other]''
:'''Jasmine''': I will show you a world of death!
:''[They meet in the middle, where Ariel, now a mermaid, has brought an atomic bomb]''
:'''Ariel''': Look, everyone! I brought my thingamabob! My weapons-grade thingamabob!
:'''Cinderella''': Oh, you just don't know what words are. That's your thing.
:''[The bomb starts beeping, indicating its imminent detonation]''
:'''Princesses''': ''[realizing]'' Ahh! Run away! Run away! ''[running away from the bomb]''
:'''Sebastian''': ''[pops up from behind the bomb, singing]'' Bend over and grab your ankles!
:''[The bomb explodes, completely obscuring the scene with smoke and ash, until it dissipates, revealing that the explosion has eradicated almost everything, leaving nothing but a barren wasteland]''
:'''Merida''': ''[wounded, trudges by]'' Me mother's a bear.
:''[Tinkerbell arrives, then shoots her in the head with a gun, winks, and leaves]''

===Walking Dead Lobster [7.14]===
:''[We start on a gradient aquamarine-blue background, where the Gullah Gullah Island logo rolls in]''
:'''Announcer''': And now, back to Gullah Gullah Island!
:''[We cut to Ron and Natalie's house, where everyone plays Leapfrog with. Two policemen, one blonde and the other with brown hair, arriving at the front door]''
:'''Ron''': ''[jumps over Shaina and Binyah-Binyah]'' This sure is fun, Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': Binyah-Binyah! Have fun, too!
:''[The policemen knock on the door]''
:'''Ron''': I'll get it. ''[opens the door to show the policemen]''
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Hello, sir. We've investigated a tip. A criminal might be in the area; he's robbed a bank and shot three policemen.
:'''Ron''': Oh, no! Well, there's nobody here but me, my wife, our three children, and our man-sized pet polliwog.
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Yeah-no, no, no, that's a man in a frog suit.
:'''Natalie''': ''[incredulous]'' What?! No, he's just a giant polliwog we rescued.
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Where did you find him?
:'''Vanessa''': Oh, behind an amphibious animal costume shop!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': I'm gonna need him out of that frog suit by the count of three. ''[pulls out a pistol]'' One...
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': ''[raises both arms in the air as the Alstons stare in shock]'' Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Two...
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': ''[scared, waving arms]'' Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Three!
:'''Frogman''': ''[screams and strips out of costume, making the Alstons cover their eyes from seeing his nude lesion-covered body]'' No! Don't shoot!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': ''[still points pistol with other officer]'' Down on the ground, Frogman!
:'''Natalie''': ''[disgusted]'' What's on his skin?!
:'''Frogman''': Sores, you dumbass! From wearing that polliwog costume for four months straight! ''[is handcuffed by the blonde policeman and pulled out of the house]'' Binyah-Binyah! Binyah-Binyah!
:''[The brown-haired policeman clubs Frogman on the back of his head to knock him out, ending the sketch''

===Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15]===
:'''Peter Pan''': Fly with me, to Neverland! ''[flies out of the window with the Darling children]''
:'''Mary Darling''': ''[arrives with her husband too late]'' Children, no!
:''[Scene cuts to Neverland]''
:'''Peter Pan''': These are the Lost Boys. They're not vampires. ''[phone rings from inside a tree; curiously]'' We have a phone? ''[picks up the receiver]'' Hello?
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[on the phone]'' I don't know who you are. ''[cut to him with George and Mary]'' I don't know what you want. I don't know why you dress like...
:'''Mary Darling''': A gay Robin Hood.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Like a gay Robin Hood. I have a very particular set of skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. By which I guess I mean, flying gay Robin Hoods.
:''[Cut to Peter]''
:'''Peter Pan''': Good luck finding Neverland, grandpa. ''[hangs up and leaves]''
:''[Cut back to Bryan, George, and Mary]''
:'''George Darling''': Oh, what's he saying?
:'''Bryan Mills''': He's saying, &quot;Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...&quot;
:'''Mary Darling''': That's the dial tone.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Dial tone? ''[hangs up]'' Well, this is a very old phone. ''[to George and Mary]'' He's holding your children in what I presume is an underground sex club called Neverland.
:'''George Darling''': Oh thank goodness, you do security work for bankers like myself, Mr. Mills, but how will you reach the children? They were flying!
:'''Mary Darling''': I think I heard them say something about thinking happy thoughts.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Happy thoughts, eh? ''[imagining himself in the thought bubble, grabbing Peter Pan and throwing him on a step]''
:'''Peter Pan''': No! No! Please!
:''[Bryan crushes Peter's head destroying his face, the thought bubble vanishes]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': Whoo hoo, off I go! ''[flies through the roof]''
:''[Scene cuts to Neverland, Bryan kills the Lost Boys, except Slightly, who turns around and sees the other Lost Boys dead covered in blood]''
:'''Slightly''': ''[farts]'' I just pooped in my tail!
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[holding Slightly at knifepoint]'' Where are the children?!
:''[Slightly farts again before we cut to Wendy and the mermaids]''
:'''Wendy''': I've never meet real live mermaids before.
:'''Mermaid''': ''[laughs]'' That's so fun! Lets drown this bitch! ''[grabs Wendy by her arms]''
:'''Wendy''': No, please, no! ''[opens her eyes to see the mermaids dead]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[wearing the seashell bra]'' Wendy, where are your brothers?
:'''Wendy''': There! On the pirate ship!
:''[Cut to the Pirate ship where John and Michael are cornered by Captain Hook]''
:'''Captain Hook''': Time for these little chickadees to walk the plank! ''[laughs]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[near the dead pirates]'' Tick-tock, time's up! ''[kicks Captain Hook, who falls while screaming into the crocodile's mouth]'' I'm taking you home, children.
:'''Peter Pan''': ''[arrives with Tinkerbell]'' Not so fast, you old codfish! ''[Tinkerbell flies up to Bryan taunting him, Bryan uses his shoe to squash her]'' Tink! Oh, good luck getting home without her fairy dust, asshole!
:'''Bryan Mills''': Why would I want to leave when my happy thoughts are about to come true?
:'''Peter Pan''': Your what? ''[Bryan grabs him and throws him to a step]'' Oh! No! NO! ''[Bryan crashes his head with his foot before his shadow comes out]''
:'''Wendy''': Okay, but seriously man, how the ''[bleep]'' are we getting home?!
:'''Bryan Mills''': Hang on. ''[grabs Peter's shadow and throws it on the same step]''
:'''Peter's shadow''': No, no, wait! ''[screams as Bryan crushes its head in black blood with his foot]''

===Bitch Pudding Special [7.16]===
:''[Part 1 starts, as a funeral for Granny Graham Crackers is taking place at the Strawberryland Church; Raspberry Parfait is speaking at the podium]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Even on cloudy days, Pastryville always had a ray of sunshine. And her name was Granny Graham Crackers. Remember when she knit your favorite scarf, Black Cherry Pie?
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': ''[caressing her scarf fondly]'' I wear it everyday, Raspberry Parfait.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': And Fudge Turnover, remember when she fixed you leaky roof?
:'''Fudge Turnover''': She got heat-stroke and fell into the hedges.
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': ''[indignant]'' While you watched Tango and Cash on Netflix!
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Yes! While I watched Tango and Cash on Netflix.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': And Buttermilk Biscuits, I remember when Granny drove all the way to the big city to get-
:'''Buttermilk Biscuits''': ''[gesturing towards her neck]'' No. Nope. Mnh-mnh.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Your...tonsils out?
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Yeah, your unborn tonsils.
:''[Black Cherry Pie scowls at him]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': ''[clears her throat]'' Now then if there are no more speakers? ''[no one says a word, to her relief]'' Great! Then, in conclusion- ''[But Bitch Pudding opens the door just then. Everyone is shocked. Bitch Pudding walks up to the podium, lightly shoving her out of the way]'' W-We were just wrapping up here, Bitch Pudding.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[grabs the microphone and begin to speak in her calm southern accent]'' I remember Granny. ''[the audience is still dumbfounded]'' I remember her smile. ''[the audience looks relieved]'' I remember how much she loved baking sugar cookies. ''[wipes a tear from her eye]''
:'''All''': ''[react happily]'' Ahh!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': But most of all, I remember... ''[giving a angry rant]'' her rank-ass old-lady farts.
:''[Everyone gasps in shock]''
:''[Raspberry Parfait'': ''[facepalming]'' Oh, God.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': This bitch had no sense of smell, no sense of hearing, so all day long, she was like &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbhhhhhht!&quot;
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Okay. ''[chuckles]'' That's enough-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[pushes Raspberry Parfait and continues]'' And when you're a hundred years old, I guess panties are just an afterthought. I mean, raise your hand if you never saw Granny airing out the Ark of the Covenant! ''[while she’s talking, Raspberry Parfait does the hand signal to turn the camera off, but she then mouths &quot;What the?&quot; Everyone gasps and groans]'' I hope Granny is in heaven, but she had a gambling addiction, so Satan might be doing her up the butt. ''[Everyone gasps again]'' Knock twice if Satan's doing you up the butt, Granny. ''[in Granny's voice]'' I love it up the butt from Satan, everybody! ''[in Satan's voice]'' You rule, Granny! Ha ha! ''[begins humping the coffin; the others gasp and groan in shock once more]'' Now hit my ''[bleep]''ing theme song!
:''[Music plays in the style of “The Trooper” by Iron Maiden, as Bitch Pudding walks down the aisles where she steals an audience member's apple and takes a single bite before giving it to German Chocolate Cake and out of the church, where she closes the doors as the title for the special appears. Everyone starts murmuring]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Now, then-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[bursts into the church again, briefly]'' Da-da-da-da! Bitch Puddin'. Blam! ''[runs off; later that night, she is playing a shooter video game, where she is taking out several in-game enemies]'' Yeah! Suck it.
:''[Bitch Pudding's game avatar approaches a villager character]''
:'''Villager''': You have saved my village!
:''[Bitch Pudding's game avatar shoots the villager dead]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': You mean &quot;my&quot; village! ''[a rumble of thunder is heard as Bitch Pudding's house experiences a power outage and the TV screen dies]'' Aw!
:''[As more rumbles of thunder are heard, a mysterious hooded figure appears behind an unsuspecting Bitch Pudding, revealed by the illumination of lightning outside. The figure is seen first holding a knife, then an axe, then a pistol, and then finally a baseball bat, which the figure uses to club Bitch Pudding in the head-she grunts and falls unconscious]''
:''[To be continued...]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Part 2 starts]''
:''[A few hours later]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Augh. Where?
:'''The Mailbird''': Oh, sounds like my cargo just woke up!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hey! You're that damn bird that delivers our mail.
:'''The Mailbird''': You bet your feathers. But tonight, I'm gettin' paid to make a special delivery. Neither rain nor sleet nor snow will keep your ass out of that volcano. Adios, Bitch Pudding. ''[Bitch Pudding, however, is trying to escape from him]'' Glurk! Ooh! Aah!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': You flying turd! Who hired you?
:'''The Mailbird''': You kill me, we both die.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Good point, jazz cloth. But, on the other hand.
:'''The Mailbird''': Ow! ''[falls]'' Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[falls]'' Ohhhhhhhh!!! ''[Bleeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Ow! Ow! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Ow! Oh! Ow! Oh! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeeeeeeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Oh, ''[bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Mother''[bleep]''ing mother''[bleep]'' er! Ow! Ow! ''[Bleep]'' me! Oh, God! ''[Bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''! ''[hits the tree]'' Ow! ''[Bleep]''! Ohhh! ''[BLEEEEEEEP]''!!!!!
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding opens her eyes to see the Schlorps]''
:'''Schlorp 1''': Who is she?
:'''Schlorp 2''': Grandpappy will know.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Please, stop talking. Your voice is irritating as ''[bleep]''!
:'''Schlorp 2''': How rude!
:'''Schlorp 3''': Well, she's not wrong.
:'''Schlorp 4''': Who is that?
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Welcome to Schlorptown, stranger! We are the Schlorps. And my name is Grandpappy Schlorp.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Are you in charge of this sh*thole?
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': You see anyone else with a beard around here?
:'''Schlorp 2''': We should Schlorp the &quot;Get to know you&quot; song!
:''[Everyone laughs and the peppy music plays]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed]'' No.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪If you get to know me,♪
:♪Then I'll get to know you!♪
:♪Once you're in the group,♪
:♪You're a friend through-and-through!♪
:'''Fishing Pole Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Fishing Pole Schlorp and I catch all the fish!♪
:'''Basketball Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Basketball Schlorp watch this!♪
:'''Schlorps''': Swish!
:'''I.B.S. Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm I.B.S. Schlorp!♪
:♪You'll find me on the stalls♪
:'''Wintertime Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Wintertime Schlorp♪
:♪I'm sweating off my balls?
:'''Chinese Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm a Schlorp who come from China.♪
:'''Miss Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Miss Schlorp with a vagina!♪
:'''Kazoo Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm a Schlorp who plays kazoo♪
:'''Kung Fu Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm a Schlorp who wants Kung Fu!♪ ''[accidentally karate chops on the schlorp]'' So sorry!
:'''Schlorps''': ''[singing]'' ♪So how about the stranger?♪
:♪Tell us all about you!♪
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[grabs Banjo Schlorp's banjo to play it, but swears]'' ♪Shut the ''[bleep]'' u-u-up!!!♪
:''[Discordant note plays. She breaks the banjo and a fishing pole, while kicking a basketball far away. Afterwards, she gets angry to make the Schlorps feel shockingly bad]''
:'''I.B.S. Schlorp''': ''[his stomach growls]'' Oh, god! I'm not gonna make it. I'm not gonna make it. I'm not gonna make it. ''[craps himself]'' Aw. I didn't make it.
:''[Meanwhile, Grandpappy Schlorp tries to create a cast to Bitch Pudding's broken arm]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Ow, you old bastard!
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': There you go. Good as new. Ah, Schlorpette. Is that the Schlorp nut soup for our guest?
:'''Schlorpette''': Yes, but this is the last of our Schlorp nuts. They're all gone.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Aww. The last of the Schlorp nuts. And with winter on its way.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': This tastes like moose dick! I got to go home! Some asshole tried to kill me, so that asshole's gonna get my boot up his asshole.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': With the Schlorp nuts gone, our village faces starvation. You see, the nuts were stolen by the evil squirrel wizard on one tree hill.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Phhhhhhht!
:'''Schlorpette''': It was called that before the show.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': This squirrel sounds like a pissy.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Then perhaps we can make a deal. Bring our nuts home and we help get your butt home.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Uuuuuuuugh! ''[knocks the door]''
:'''Trevor''': ''[arrives]'' Who dares disturb the sa-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blam! ''[attacking Trevor to death]'' Haungh, haungh, hungh! Lick my taco, Squirrel Wizard. Give those dicks their nuts back!
:'''Schlorpette''': Bitch Pudding! That's not the Squirrel Wizard!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Huh? Who the hell is it?
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Trevor? Trevor?! Oh, my god! Trevor!
:'''Schlorpette''': His life partner.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Yuh-oh.
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Rrrrrrrrrrah!
:'''Schlorpette''': Aaaaaah!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Squirrel alert! Squirrel alert!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Rrrrrrrrrgh!
:'''All''': Ohh!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': ''[starts attacking the Schlorps]'' Suck on this! Suck on this! Suck on this!
:'''Schlorp 2''': Ow! Ooh! Ow!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Can't stay. Gotta go. Blam. ''[leaves]''
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Stay and fight, coward!
:'''Schlorp 1''': Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai!
:''[To be continued...]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Part 3 starts]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Whew. Safe. ''[witnessing the Squirrel Wizard using magic spells to murder the Schlorps]'' Oh, ''[bleep]''! They're getting massacred! Who cares about those purple peckers? They never should have trusted me. Or...Or helped me?
:'''Narrator''': And at that moment, Bitch Pudding's heart grew three sizes bigger. Uh, metaphorically. You know, you'll just have to take my word for it.
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Die, you miserable Schlorps! And when you meet God, slap that motherfucker in the face, because existence is nothing but his cruel joke on all of us!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Sorry, spunk-sponge! The Schlorps are under my protection! ''[a mutilated Schlorp coughs up blood and dies]'' Uh starting now! ''[starts to fight against the Squirrel Wizard]''
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Ooh!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blick! ''[still fighting with him]'' Oh!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Suck it!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Oh! Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam! Blaaaam!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Aaah! For Trevor! Punch! Punch!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blam! Blam! Ba-ba-ba-blam! ''[knocks the Squirrel Wizard to the ground]''
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Ugh! Trevor! My fuzzy little angel! ''[Bitch Pudding takes his magic wand]'' Just do it! End me! Use any death spell you choose! Just say the magic words and end my pain!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Abracadabra. ''[stabs the Squirrel Wizard through the head with his wand, finally killing him]'' Eat ''[bleep]''.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': ''[walks into frame, horrified by this scene]'' My Schlorps, gone. All gone.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': As your champion, a eulogy is probably in order. ''[clears throat; Grandpappy Schlorp gives a nod to another Schlorp]'' What can be said- ''[is knocked out by a Schlorp with a baseball bat from behind]'' Ow!
:''[A few hours later]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up and finds out she is in a biplane]'' Huh? Where? What?
:'''Pilot Schlorp''': On behalf of &quot;''[Bleep]'' You Airlines,&quot; go ''[bleep]'' yourself.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[falls]'' Aaaaaaaaagh! Oooooh! Unh! Unh! Unh! ''[lands]'' I-I I'm home. ''[suddenly spots a carnival in Pastryville celebrating her supposed death]'' What the ''[bleep]''?
:'''Pastryville Citizen 1''': Toss Bitch Pudding in the volcano and win a prize!
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Volcano-fried Bitch Pudding on a stick!
:'''Buttermilk Biscuits''': I hate you, Bitch Puddin'!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[turns around to see a mural of her being dropped into the volcano by the mail-delivery bird]'' They were all in on it! The whole town tried to kill me?!
:''[Cut to the church, where the Pastryville citizens sing a hymn]''
:'''Pastryville Citizens''': ''[singing]'' ♪She made our lives a living hell♪
:♪So nasty and so mean♪
:♪And when Bitch Pudding hit the lava♪
:♪You should have heard her scream♪
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': The first annual &quot;Bitch Pudding Is Dead&quot; Festival has been a rousing success! For generations to come, we will- ''[sniffs]'' Hey, guys, do you smell smoke?
:''[Everyone finds that the church is on fire, they all scream]''
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Oh, ''[bleep]''! The door won't open! ''[a Pastryville citizen runs by on fire, screaming. The others attempt to break the church door down]'' All together, now.
:'''Everyone''': One! Two! Three! Oh! Oh!
:''[Upon bursting out, they find Bitch Pudding, alive and well, and holding a minigun in front of them]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blam. ''[as revenge, she guns down every last citizen. A bloodied, mortally wounded Raspberry Parfait grabs onto Bitch Pudding with her last dying ounces of strength]'' Remember when I said I'd shoot you last?
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': I have absolutely no memory of that.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Must have been a fantasy I had when I was masturbating!
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': ''[Bleep]'' you, Bitch Pudding... ''[falls over and dies; Bitch Pudding surveys the dead bodies as heavy metal music plays]''
:''[One day later, Bitch Pudding is seen leaving Pastryville]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': So that's my story. I probably should have done a voiceover through the whole thing, but I didn't feel like it. Now, the only question is what does the future hold?
:''[A car arrives, driven by Nick Fury of the Avengers]''
:'''Nick Fury''': Bitch Pudding. You have become a part of a larger Universe.
:''[Credits; when it ends, Bitch Pudding is seen having stolen Nick Fury's car, driving away]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Da-da-da-da! Blam!
:'''Nick Fury''': What a bitch.

===Batman Forever 21 [7.17]===
===The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's [7.18]===
===Chipotle Miserables [7.19]===
===The Robot Chicken Lots of Holidays But Don't Worry Christmas is Still In There Too so Pull the Stick Out of Your Ass Fox News Special [7.20]===</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147978</id>
      <parentid>3147971</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T02:38:57Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
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      <comment>/* Batman Forever 21 [7.17] */</comment>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="56092" xml:space="preserve">===G.I. Jogurt [7.01]===
:''[At the Emmy Awards, a G.I. Joe PSA of Roadblock talking to two children is shown on the big screen]''
:'''Roadblock''': I don't know why a 7-year-old would need to deep fry a turkey, but know you know how.
:'''Children''': And knowing is half the battle.
:''[The PSA ends with the &quot;G.I. Joe&quot; jingle]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Be a Turkey on Thanksgiving&quot;.
:''[The G.I. Joes clap, and Duke kisses Scarlett before he heads up with Roadblock to collect their award, while COBRA Commander and Destro watch on from the cheap seats]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': Look at them, Destro. The Joes churn out pedestrian advice to dead-eyed children, and the public eats it up! ''[mocking the Joes]'' &quot;Hey, kids, don't play with fallen electrical lines.&quot; ''[normal voice]'' Reads like a dispatch from the no-shit clinic.
:'''Destro''': I'll get the nerve gas.
:'''COBRA Commander''': No, you fool. We'll beat them at their own game. ''[clenching his fist]'' We'll create our own PSAs!
:''[Cut to COBRA Commander, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, and the Crimson Twins in the briefing room at COBRA Headquarters]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': OK, OK, let's just throw some ideas out there. This is a safe creative place. Dr. Mindbender, go.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Well, I thought our PSA could communicate an idea non-verbally. I've discovered that painting directly on celluloid creates a sort of &quot;tone poem&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Holy ''[bleep]'', that's sounds terrible. I'm sorry, safe place, but holy shit, that was fucking dumb. Next!
:'''Baroness''': ''[enters the room]'' Oh, I forgot you guys were in here writing. I was just looking for a hammer to hang my degree in screenwriting from Aberdeen. Anything I can do for you while I'm in here? ''[looks at him]'' Destro?
:'''Destro''': She's actually really funny, you guys.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Hey, you lost me at &quot;She's&quot;. ''[Bleep'' it! We're doing it without a script.
:''[Cut to the set of COBRA's PSAs, as Destro supervises, Storm Shadow is having his makeup done by one COBRA soldier, and two more soldiers move a camera. Dr. Mindbender enters the set with a group of children]''
:'''Destro''': Dr. Mindbender, you found four young children for our PSAs.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Uh, yes. ''[puts his arms around the children]'' That is what these kidnapped children are for.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[talking to Storm Shadow, who is reading his lines]'' OK, Storm Shadow, these two children will be running with scissors. Now, this upsets you, and you...
:'''Storm Shadow''': Why?
:'''COBRA Commander''': It's dangerous to run with scissors.
:'''Storm Shadow''': I run with Katana. Is that not dangerous?
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow, I hadn't thought of that. Excellent point, Storm Shadow. ''[whispers to Tomax]'' Get this piece of ''[bleep]'' off my set!
:''[One of the children runs past, giggling while running with scissors, but ends up getting killed by Storm Shadow]''
:'''Storm Shadow''': Well, COBRA Commander, it looks like I owe you an apology.
:''[First COBRA PSA: Serpentor telling children about using supplies only at the post office]''
:'''Serpentor''': So, remember, only take supplies if you'll use them for post office business. Any other use is a felony.
:'''Boy''': Now I'm aware.
:'''Serpentor''': ''[putting his arms around the children and smiling]'' And awareness is the second 50% of the conflict in question. ''[beat]'' Somebody say ''[bleep]''ing &quot;Cut&quot;!
:''[Second COBRA PSA: COBRA Commander tells children about the joys of reading]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': And I think you'll find it's not hard to read when you take the time to sssssssssound it out. ''[both children giggle]'' Oh, yesss, I've got a sssmall ssspeech impediment. ''[both children laugh; irritated]'' It'sss not funny! ''[removes his mask, as the children scream and run away, only for the Commander to shoot them dead]'' Shut. It. Down.
:''[At the next Emmy Awards...]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Star in a COBRA PSA&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[shaking his fist]'' What?!
:'''Destro''': ''[shouting over to the troops]'' Pump the nerve gas!

===Link's Sausages [7.02]===
:''[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are standing in the street]''
:'''Tommy Pickles''': ''[holding his Reptar doll]'' Well, after crossing the freeway, base jumping off a cliff, and dodging bullets in a gang war, we finally found my Reptar doll.
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enters the street, finding the babies]'' Tommy! What are you doing in the street?!
:''[Cut to the Pickles' house]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, thank God! They've been lost for hours! Where were they?
:'''Didi Pickles''': Stu, a word?  ''[they walk into the kitchen, their voices get muffled as they talk with the door shut]'' What the ''[bleep]'', Stu?!
:'''Stu Pickles''': Well, I'm sorry. The babies escaped, and I-
:'''Didi Pickles''': Escaped?! They're babies, you sackless moron!
:'''Stu Pickles''': I was downstairs, working on a new toy, and they just-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, a new toy! Never mind, then!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[tearing up]'' Didi, if you keep ridiculing my work, I-I swear to God-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enraged]'' What?! You'll hit me?! Ooh, you're such a man!
:''[Thudding and crashing are heard as Didi violently beats Stu offscreen]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': Didi, stop!
:'''Didi Pickles''': I'll be the man! See, Stu?! I'm the man!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[sobbing]'' I want a divorce!
:''[The babies look devastated as the screen cut to static]''

===Secret of the Booze [7.03]===
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf shaving his beard in his house]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': I don't usually get involved in day-to-day operations, so I'm smurfing undercover. They'll never smurf it's me. ''[chuckles; takes off his pants]'' Ohh, I haven't smurfed these things off in nearly 300 years! Talk about crotch rot!
:''[Title Card: Undercover Smurf Boss]''
:'''Farmer Smurf''': So, you're my new intern, huh?
:'''Papa Smurf''': That's right, Farmer Smurf. Teach me to care about your sad, little life...I mean your noble and fulfilling, uh, career choice.
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Well, Smurfs are a thirsty bunch, so we got to smurf them fresh milk every day!
:''[A giant caterpillar slithers in and turns onto its side, revealing its udders]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[being filmed]'' We've been drinking CATERPILLAR MILK?! ''[milks the giant caterpillar, his hands getting sore]'' Oh, this is agony. It feels like my hands are gonna smurf off!
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Yep, my carpal tunnel got so bad, they had to fuse my wrist bones in place!
:'''Papa Smurf''': But our healthcare is smurfy, right?
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Eh, my deductible is 2,000 smurfberries.
:'''Papa Smurf''': WHAT?! ''[cash register dings]''
:''[Title Card: 1 Smurfberry = 1.78 USD]''
:''[Scene cuts to the Smurf Hospital. Doctor Smurf packs his medical bag]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': Doctor Smurf, why are deductibles so high?
:'''Doctor Smurf''': Boy, you smurf a lot of uppity questions for an intern. Uh, just treat the next patient while I go for a Jamba Juice run in my gold-plated helicopter.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Actually, I'm not really qualified.
:''[Outside the window, Doctor Smurf takes off in his gold-plated helicopter. Door opens, Smurfette and Handy Smurf enter the room]''
:'''Smurfette''': We need Doctor Smurf! Handy had an accident!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Did someone get a sliver? ''[Handy shows his bleeding hand, missing all of his fingers]'' OH MY SMURFING GOD!!!
:'''Handy Smurf''': I sawed right through a load-bearing mushroom! Half our building materials are fungus! Oh, trade school didn't prepare me for this!
:'''Smurfette''': You can smurf his fingers, right, nurse?
:'''Papa Smurf''': I'll certainly try. ''[being filmed]'' I certainly tried.
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf sewing Handy's fingers while Handy lies dead on the table]''
:'''Smurfette''': ''[crying]'' You can probably stop sewing.
:'''Papa Smurf''': No, no, no. I-I'm gonna get this. ''[walks up to Grouchy Smurf]'' So, Grouchy Smurf, how's the coffee today?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate coffee!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh! Okay. But how do you like working here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate working here.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh, goodness. Okay. Well, is there anything that maybe Papa Smurf could do?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate Papa Smurf!
:'''Papa Smurf''': All right, what exactly do you do around here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I-I hate stuff?
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[puts on his red hat]'' I'm being deadly serious.
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I...I... ''[cuts to him, shoveling dog poop outside]'' I hate shoveling dog ''[bleep]''.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Well, now that's actually an appropriate reaction. Carry on, dog-''[bleep]'' Smurf! ''[leaves]''
:''[More dog poop falls from above, next to Grouchy]''

===Rebel Appliance [7.04]===
:'''Lion-O''': My fellow Thundercats! When danger is near, I shall hold the Sword of Omens aloft and yell out a battle cry
:'''Cheetara''': What shall our battle cry be, Lion-O?
:'''Lion-O''': &quot;Thunder, thunder, thunder, thundercats, I need you because evil is near, and we are friends, and we are a team. So we must come together and fight because the Eye of Thundera is in the sky, and it is summoning everyone together. So please come here Panthro and Tygra and Panthro and also Cheetara and also Wilykit and Wilicat and also Snarf. I think I said Panthro twice. I won't do that every time. Yes, we are the Thundercats. This is our battle cry. I love you guys. You are my best friends, and I am Lion-O and I am a Thundercat, and you guys are Thundercats too. Mumm Ra is not a Thundercat, he's bad and we're gonna win against him, because we are the Thundercats, and the Thundercats are here for you today because we are the Thundercats yeah, I'm Lion-O&quot;. I hope you write that down.
:'''Snarf''': I liked it. ''[Wilykat slaps him]'' OW!

===Legion of Super-Gyros [7.05]===
:''[With Grover and Oscar the Grouch]''
:'''Grover''': Oh boy, it sure is a great day here on Sesame Street!
:'''Oscar''': Yeah, especially since we're the last neighborhood in New York that hasn't been gentrified.
:'''Grover''': Until today, because our special guest is Hannah Horvath from the marginally popular but ignored in the flyover states HBO series, Girls!
:'''Hannah''': Hey, do you know where I could find a cocaine dealer/organic Vietnamese taco truck around here?
:'''Oscar''': ''[Bleep]'' me! ''[gets back inside his trash can]''
:'''Hannah''': ''[feels Grover]'' Ooh, you're so cute! ''[later that night]'' I really love how you don't play games, Grover.
:'''Grover''': Oh but I play lots of games, patty cake, and marco polo...Ugh!
:'''Hannah''': ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jacking off]'' Insult my parents! Oh yeah!
:'''Grover''': Woah! ''[scene cuts to him and Hannah learning about numbers with apples]'' Today, we are going to learn about the number 3, I have 3 apples!
:'''Hannah''': And I know 3 girls who were date raped at the same bar on 6th street.
:'''Grover''': That is sad. ''[Hannah eats the apple]'' Uh...you're eating my props.
:'''Hannah''': I'm proud of my body.
:'''Grover''': I know, I know.
:'''Hannah''': Ugh! Yeah! ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jerking off again]''
:'''Grover''': Oh, God!

===El Skeletorio [7.06]===
:'''Crypt Keeper''': Oh, hello! I was just enjoying the latest best &quot;heller&quot;! ''[laughs evilly, but then rips off book cover]'' This is actually Dan Brown's &quot;Inferno.&quot; It's a piece of shit. Our next tale is something of an &quot;alle-gory&quot;! You might say it's a &quot;meta-gore&quot;! Let's just roll it.
:''[Cuts to the outside of Bitch Pudding's house, where the title of the sketch appears. We cut to inside the hpuse, where Bitch Pudding is sleeping]''
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out. Get out of the house. Get out of the hou-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Why don't you get your tongue out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole so I can jam your mama's ''[bleep]'' up there, you ''[bleep]''-gargling pile of monkey spunk? Nothing to say now, huh?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': There's just a lot to unpack there.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Well, wake me up when you figure it out, ''[bleep]'' stick. ''[goes back to sleep]''
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding goes to her fridge when she sees the chairs and flower pot of her table are now completely deformed]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed, she flips them over and destroys them]'' BLAM! Where's your ''[bleep]''-ass art project now, ''[bleep]'' nut?
:'''Ghostly voice''': It wasn't supposed to be art, it was supposed to scare you! God! Forget it! I'm leaving! ''[cuts to Strawberry Shortcake's house, where she is sleeping]'' Strawberry Shortcake!
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': ''[wakes up]'' Huh? What?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out of the house!
:''[A red substance begins to ooze out of the walls, causing Strawberry Shortcake to scream in fear]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[breaks in through the window]'' Hey, ''[bleep]''ing clown, if you're ragging so bad, why don't you take your mama's tampon out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole and lick it clean before you shove it up your ''[bleep]''?!
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Hey, stop talking about my dad's ''[bleep]''hole! I'll-I'll leave town, okay? Oh, FYI, that isn't blood, that is strawberry jam, m'lady. The insulation is leaking. All I did was turn the painting upside down. Live with it.
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': Do you think he was right about the insulation? That could be berry expensive.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hmm, let's see. That depends on whether I give a ''[bleep]'', ''[bleep]'' tits! ''[make a fanfare noise]'' Bitch Pudding! BLAM! ''[jumps out the window]''
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': I should really move.

===Snarfer Image [7.07]===
:''[Ticking, cuts to Elmer Fudd in a field]''
:'''Elmer Fudd:'' ''[narrating]'' Time travel has not been invented yet, ''[cocks his gun]'' but in 30 years, it will be. ''[gunshot]'' In the future, TV networks don't awwow cartoons to have guns, so if they want to kill someone, they send them back here to me. My name is Elmer Fudd, and I'm a Wooper. ''[Title Card: Wooper]'' The only wule is never let your target escape, even if your target is you.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': ''[appears in the field]'' What are you waiting for? Shoot me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': What?!
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': In the future, they don't let me have a gun! That was my one dimension as a character! Know what I did yesterday? I slept for 15 hours and then beat it to a Weader's Digest! Help me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': I can't.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': Come on, give it to me. ''[crying]'' Pleeeease. ''[gunshot]''
:'''Yosemite Sam''': ''[appears in the field]'' I'll have what he's having. ''[gunshot]''
:''[Cuts to Porky Pig on the Looney Tunes circles. The words &quot;That's all, folks!&quot; appear in front]''
:'''Porky Pig''': Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-...That's all, folks! ''[gunshot]''

===Up, Up, and Buffet [7.08]===
:'''Fiona''': The spell has broken! This was my true form all along! I can't wait to marry you, Shrek!
:'''Shrek''': Marry you?
:'''Fiona''': Well, yeah! Since we look the same now, we'll live happily ever after!
:'''Shrek''': Fiona, every morning, I look at myself in the mirror, and I wish my mother had the courage to throw me in the river when I was born. Then I make my way to the putrid swamps, the only place on God's green Earth a monster like me feels at home. Sometimes, children gather to scream at me. &quot;Monster!  Animal!&quot;, they yell. Then someone screams, &quot;Kill yourself!&quot; and it takes a few seconds to realize the voice is coming from my own mouth! By then, I've made my way to the old hanging tree. Before I have time to think about it, I'm wrapping a vine around my own neck. It goes &quot;tot&quot; and I pray to the gods that this time, the vine will hold! But alas, everyday, I wake up in my own filth and I lie there and I cry. I cry because I'll live to see my face again! So nay, marrying a lass with a face as hideous as my own is not on my to-do list!
:'''Fiona''':''[with her mouth full]'' Have you tried these mini cheeseburgers? They're great! ''[sees Shrek hanging from a noose, and to Shrek's disappointment, the noose snaps]''

===Panthropologie [7.09]===
:''[Caption: LEGO City, 2014]''
:'''Wife''': Honey, look out! Cliche!
:'''Gerry''': Huh? ''[all screaming]'' What's happening?!
:'''Cop''': Kre-O! They're everywh- Aah! ''[gets torn apart by the Kre-O's]''
:'''Wife''': There's something wrong with them. They look like us but different!
:'''General''': ''[lands in the helicopter]'' This way! Hurry! Your life has more value than other people! ''[the Lanes get onto the helicopter]'' Gerry, we need your expertise!
:'''Gerry''': My expertise? I'm not a soldier!
:'''General''': Gerry, we need a lawyer.
:''[Title Card: WORLD WAR B (as in blocks)]''
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': Put simply, Gerry, we're being invaded by imitation blocks.
:'''Assistant''': Off-brand products with a taste for LEGO blood!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': They're nearly identical but different. Wrong. Like when you sit on your hand until it goes to sleep. You try to pretend Flo from the Progressive commercials is giving you an HJ, but you know it's not Flo. You know that! She'd never be so clumsy, so artless.
:'''General''': That's impossible! We're trademarked!
:'''Gerry''': No, general. LEGO bricks aren't protected by trademark. They're protected by patent.
:'''General''': Hell, man, what's the difference?
:'''Gerry''': The difference is...patents expire! Cool! Someone turned that legal document into a GIF. That's fun.
:'''General''': Isn't it &quot;jiff&quot;? Anyway, how do we stop it?
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': There's nothing we can do. ''[whispering]'' Don't worry, Flo. I'll protect you.
:'''Assistant''': Don't worry, girl from the Wendy's commercials.
:'''General''': Don't worry, GEICO gecko.
:''[Cut to the map]''
:'''Gerry''': ''[narrating]'' They covered the whole globe in no time: Mega Bloks, Kre-O, Best-Lock, CoCo, BanBao, Rokenbok, Super Blocks, and Leggo with two g's, which was especially insulting.
:''[Caption: Lego Headquarters, Denmark]''
:''[Zombies groaning]''
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' LEGO my baby, LEGO my honey, LEGO my ragtime gal...
:'''Son''': Daddy, are we safe?
:'''Gerry''': Of course we are, son. People are singing, aren't they? Ugh. That is the lowest form of music.
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' ...Honey, you'll lose me, then you'll be left alone...
:''[Zombies groaning loudly]''
:'''Gerry''': The terrible singing! They're attracted to the terrible singing! ''[the zombies start climbing over the walls. Gerry knocks out the quartet. Soldiers start shooting]'' Ohh! - Ow! Fire! Fire! They're too fast!-Ohh!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': ''[runs in with the syringe]'' Gerry, I've found a way to camouflage ourselves!
:'''Gerry''': That beats my solution. ''[acts out shooting zombies, and then acts out shooting himself]'' Pew pew! Pew pew! Pew!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': LEGOs are machined to a tolerance of 10 micrometers! That's why we're so expensive! But this serum will make us look cheaper and sloppier! ''[injects himself]'' Aah! ''[turns into a Playmobil figure]'' We look like them now!
:'''Gerry''': I'd rather die.
:'''Son''': ''[notices something]'' What?! They have Transformers?
:'''Gerry''': No, son! No!
:'''Son''': Aah! ''[Bumblebee rips him in half]''
:'''Gerry''': Nooooooo!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': You probably don't even want to go on living now.
:'''Gerry''': Huh? Oh, that was just a kid from my wife's first marriage. But that looked really painful. Hit me with the juice! ''[gets injected]'' Ugh! ''[the serum transforms him into...]'' No! You turned me into a ''[bleep]''ing DUPLO! It's the same company as LEGO, you fool! Aah! Aah! ''[Mrs. Lane and the Doctor run away whilst DUPLO Gerry gets his head ripped off]'' Guys, is this ending working? Let's re-shoot it.
:''[Zombies murmuring]''

===Catdog on a Stick [7.10]===
:'''Executive''': You sure you wanna do a movie, Tiger?
:'''Tiger''': I want to be beloved again, like before I had sex with all those waitresses from IHOP. Jordan did Space Jam. I want my Space Jam.
:'''Executive''': Well, studios aren't lining up to lend their characters to a Tiger Woods movie. Everyone aggressively passed except DiC, but I cannot recommend that.
:''[Cut to the title card for the Golf Jam movie]''
:'''Singers''': Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to Tiger on the golf course]''
:'''Tiger''': Time for a day of playing golf and being faithful to my girlfriend. ''[falls down a large hole]'' What? Whoooooooa!! ''[lands in DiC Land, surrounded by Heathcliff and other DiC characters]'' Ow!
:'''Heathcliff''': Welcome to DiC Land, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[getting up from his fall and waving hello]'' Why, hi, Garfield.
:'''Heathcliff''': I'm Heathcliff. I'm more romantic and have an accent. This is Cleo.
:'''Cleo''': We need your help, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to put my penis in you... ''[snaps back to attention, and looks at the camera]'' I mean, I love my girlfriend.
:'''Cleo''': We brought you here because the evil Dork Punks challenged us to a game of golf.
:'''Tiger''': ''[once again enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to hump your face... ''[flustered]'' I mean, help your face- ''[snaps out of it again]'' Help you, I will help you!
:''[The Dork Punks walk into the shot, as Tiger turns to look at them]''
:'''Dork Punk''': Let's tee off, DiC-heads!
:''[Tiger and Heathcliff look at each other and nod, and we cut to a golf-playing montage. Tiger (now wearing a cap with the DiC logo on it) hits a beautful shot as Heathcliff, Cleo, and a couple of other toons watch. LongArm uses his gauntlet to sink a putt, as Tiger chats up Princess Lana and receives a slap to the face from her. As Cleo prepares to sink her putt, Tiger walks up from behind and starts pretending to hump her. Ja-Kal prepares to take a shot as Armon looks on, but a piece of Armon's gauze is caught on Ja-Kal's club. As Ja-Kal swings, he and Armon both get tied up in Armon's gauze. Tiger is seen in one of the bunkers with Nefer-Tina sitting on top of him, as she unwraps the gauze from her upper body much to Tiger's delight. The montage ends as Tiger is getting ready to sink his final putt, with Cleo and Hammerman watching on]''
:'''Hammerman''': If you sink this putt, we win!
:'''Tiger''': Wish me luck, Bobby Brown.
:'''Hammerman''': Bobby Brown? I'm Hammerman! I'm M.C. Hammer, except not, and I have magic shoes. ''[shows off his magic dancing shoes]''
:'''Tiger''': ''[looks at Cleo]'' You know, I don't even know if I want to save you DiC's. You're just uninspired rehashes of good ideas. Seriously, how cheap is DiC? This is a movie, and you all look like you were drawn on a napkin.
:'''Cleo''': Win the game and I'll blow you.
:''[Upon hearing this, Tiger immediately sinks the putt and wins the game. As the DiC toons celebrate, Tiger unzips his pants and takes a terrified Cleo by the hand into the Pancake House for his well-earned blowjob]''
:'''Hammerman''': ''[rapping]'' Everybody tee off, get a club in your hands, charisma-free sex addict saving DiC Land! Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to black with the bold white text &quot;Golf Jam was rented once from Redbox. The copy was returned on time.&quot;]''

===Super Guitaro Center [7.11]===
:'''Shredder''': The &quot;Channel 6 News Masquerade Ball&quot; is the opportunity for me to kidnap April O'Neil. She's the perfect bait to catch the turtles. ''[surprised to see April's costume]'' Wow! Out of that bulky lesbian jumpsuit, she's hot as ''[bleep]''!
:'''April''': Care to dance, Mr. Potter?
:'''Shredder''': WHAT?! ''[cuts to Shredder dancing with April]'' And, what's your costume?
:'''April''': Belle from &quot;Beauty and The Beast&quot;, but a dick-slut.
:'''Shredder''': Is your favorite restaurant, Taco &quot;Belle&quot;?
:''[Both laugh]''
:'''April''': You are hilarious.
:'''Shredder''': On the count of 3, say your favorite band. 1, 2, 3!
:'''Shredder and April''': Toad the Wet Sprocket! ''[pause, they both kiss]''
:'''April''': ''[feels the blade, and gasped]'' Wait. Are you-
:'''Shredder''': In love? Yes. WHAT?! Bye! ''[leaves]''
:'''April''': ''[realizing]'' Shredder?
:''[Cut to Shredder with April outside her apartment after the party]''
:'''Shredder''': Think of something poetic, Oroku. ''[to April]'' But soft, you are total boner food!
:'''April''': Oh, Shredder. My heart doesn't take sides.
:'''Shredder''': People won't approve.
:'''April''': No one can keep us apart.
:''[They both kiss again. Then cuts to the sewer]''
:'''Raphael''': Aww, Hell to the No! ''[punches a brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''April''': We're soul mates! We both love Toad the Wet Sprocket.
:'''Michelangelo''': Toad the-What?! Is that a sex thing?! Have you guys had sex?!
:'''April''': No. Just dry humping, and ball play.
:'''Raphael''': Ball play?! ''[punches the same brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''Splinter''': You must stay away from Shredder, April. He is dangerous. Sleep here tonight. Donatello, grab the guest pillows.
:''[Donatello grabs pizza boxes which are the guest pillows, and puts them on the couch. Later while everyone's asleep, Shredder comes up from behind the couch to see April]''
:'''April''': ''[gasps]'' What are you doing here?
:'''Shredder''': I came to say &quot;Hi&quot;, ''[lays down next to her]'' and also have sex after the whole &quot;Hi&quot; thing.
:'''April''': It's like Six Flags Hurricane Harbor in my panties right now. ''[they both kiss again. Later, we see her and Shredder outside the manhole]'' Mmm, Mmm. You really Toadied my Wet Sprocket. When will I see you again?
:'''Shredder''': Soon, I hope. I should go before the turtles wake up. Plus, I have some major ExtenZe farts coming on. ''[farts]''
:''[Next morning while April was having her breakfast]''
:'''Donatello''': April, just go on one date with Casey. He's a good guy.
:'''April''': Casey is a jobless loser in sweats! ''[walks away]''
:'''Casey''': Good start to my morning.
:'''[Cut to April with the Rat King]''
:'''April''': So, I left. What should I do, Mr. Rat King? I belong with Shredder.
:'''Rat King''': I have an idea! And my idea involves you taking a lot of poison very quickly.
:'''April''': ''[pause, interested]'' Go on?
:''[Cut to April playing dead]''
:'''Shredder''': ''[shocked]'' It can't be! April?! NO!!!! WHY?!?! ''[accidentally hits April with his spikes]''
:'''April''': ''[wakes up in pain]'' Ow! Ow! Ow! What the ''[bleep]''?! Shredder!
:'''Shredder''': April! You're alive!
:'''April''': The poison only made me appear dead. Didn't you read &quot;Romeo and Juliet&quot;, you ''[bleep]''ing ass clown? ''[gags and dies]''
:'''Shredder''': NOOOOOOO!!!!!! ''[a few seconds of silence]'' Just gonna take my Toad the Wet Sprocket bootleg back. ''[takes his CD back, and leaves]''

===Noidstrom Rack [7.12]===
:'''Picard''': ''[dozing in the captain's chair on the bridge of the Enterprise]'' What's that Beverly? You want Wesley to watch? Hmm, make it so! ''[jerks awake]'' Oh, 2300 hours, time for the night crew to relieve us! ''[moves to leave the bridge, as Captain Jake enters]'' Captain.
:'''Captain Jake''': Capitan! ''[the Enterprise bridge crew file out, as their night crew replacements enter]'' Night crew, maintain course. ''[cut to the Enterprise moving through space]'' Space, the final frontier! These are the 11pm to 7am voyages of the Enterprise's night crew. Its continuing mission...is to PAR-TAY! ''[starts drinking from a beer can as the night crew cheer]''
:'''Night Crew''': Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! [A Borg cube appears on the view screen]
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Captain Jake, a Borg cube is hailing us.
:'''Captain Jake''': They probably want us to turn down our jams...Fat chance!
:'''Borg Drone''': Lower your shields, your culture will adapt to service us.
:'''Captain Jake''': You want us to service you?
:'''Borg Drone''': Affirmative. You will service the Borg, all night if needed! ''[Commander LaFreak sniggers. The Borg Drone looks unamused]'' Wait! Our hive mind has assimilated double entendres- real mature, guys! Prepare for assimilation! ''[the Borg cube begins to shoot at the Enterprise with its lasers]''
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Our shields won't last long, sir! Should we wake up the bald guy?
:'''Captain Jake''': ''[opens another can of beer]'' No way, Commander LaFreak! We'll beat the Borg like we beat that frat on Gallos 7!
:'''Commander LaFreak''': We'll sell naked photos of their girlfriends at a pie-eating contest?
:'''Captain Jake''': What?! No! Like any frat, the Borg share a hive mind, man. If we get one Borg to party, all Borg will party! Night crew, prepare to rock out with our Spocks out! ''[the night crew beam across to the Borg cube]'' Anybody order a partygram? ''[the night crew start playing music and drinking with the Borg drones in the cube. He pulls out a bottle of champagne to a female Borg drone]'' Wet t-shirt contest! ''[opens the champagne bottle on the female drone, who doesn't react even when he douses her chest]'' Oh right, no shirt...you want mine? ''[removes his Captain's jumper, just as the Borg drone he talked to advances on him]'' Whoa, chill out, dude! Wait, is she your daughter?
:'''Borg Drone''': Enough! Partying is futile! ''[jabs Captain Jake with its injection tubes, only to recoil. Captain Jake grins]'' Your blood, so full of beer! Your party, so hearty! ''[grabs a cup of beer from a Klingon night crew member and chugs it]'' Woo-hoooo! ''[the rest of the Borg join the drone and the night crew in partying]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Now this, I can assimilate! ''[he and the drone hug]''
:''[Cut to the Borg cube drawing a giant cock on a planet with its lasers. Cut to an awards ceremony on the bridge of the Enterprise]''
:'''Starfleet Admiral''': Captain Jake, Starfleet thanks you for defeating the Borg. ''[hangs a medal around Captain Jake's neck]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Bitchin'!
:'''Picard''': ''[fuming]'' NIGHT CREEEEEEWWWWW! ''[everyone looks round nervously, until he grins]'' Beer me! ''[the night crew cheer and Jake tosses Picard a can]'' You glorious sons of bitches!

===Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13]===
:''[The Disney Princess Castle is shown]''
:'''Snow White''': ''[from inside]'' Welcome to the Princess Summit, ''[cut to inside]'' where we address the complex political issues facing our kingdoms.
:'''Rapunzel''': Hairstyles.
:'''Cinderella''': Talking pets.
:'''Tiana''': Hairstyles for our talking pets.
:'''Ariel''': Crabs. ''[everyone looks at her in disgust]'' I've got crabs.
:'''Snow White''': Well, isn't that just, um...and where is our newest princess?
:'''Merida''': ''[enters, carrying a dead boar dripping with blood]'' Ach! Sorry I'm late. I killed a boar on the way here.
:'''Aurora''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, you're so feminist and empowered. Great.
:'''Merida''': ''[laying boar on the table and gutting it]'' 'Ey, wee beastie! Have we got to grievances yet? A bunch of wee dwarves are illegally mining me territory.
:'''Snow White''': Oh, Merida, you have far bigger problems. Let me tell you about them.
:'''Merida''': Not a damn song.
:'''Snow White''': ''[singing]'' Here's a list of things to drop;
:Your accent, bow, that tangled mop.
:Fifteen pounds from off your hips
:Those ginger afros 'neath your pits
:And no prince will want to mingle
:With a girl with no hit single.
:''[Cinderella, Aurora, and Ariel hold up gold records]''
:'''Cinderella''': ''[spoken]'' And your pet's hair is a disaster.
:'''Merida''': That's me mother! She's a bear! The trailer was very misleading! ''[holds the knife to Snow White's neck''] I came here looking for justice; instead, I found treachery. Prepare yourself for war. ''[Leaves]''
:'''Mulan''': ''[following Merida]'' Someone finally said it! See you on the killing field, round-eyes. ''[leaves]''
:'''Belle''': Amen, sister. ''[leaves]''
:'''Tiana''': Stuck-up bitches!
:''[Rapunzel follows. The remaining princesses look on. We transition to the next scene where Snow White is preparing her army for war against Merida's army]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, that Merida! I'll show her. ''[out the window]'' Send in my war counsel. ''[a cute Disney-esque bird flies up to the windowsill]'' What shall I do, little one?
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Core that bitch like an apple.
:'''Snow White''': Oh my.
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Weave a tapestry of their intestines.
:'''Snow White''': Okay, okay, I get it, I get it. We need weapons.
:'''Cinderella''': I've got a guy.
:''[The Fairy Godmother appears]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, good idea. We'll fight them with magic.
:'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[laying bag of assault weapons on table]'' Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo, that's twenty grand.
:'''Princesses''': Ooh, wow!
:'''Ariel''': Do you need thingamabobs? I've got thingamabobs.
:'''Jasmine''': Nobody cares about the dildo collection you dredged up from the Atlantic, you fishy bitch. ''[Ariel runs away crying]'' Anyone else have cold tits?
:''[We cut to Merida's training grounds]''
:'''Merida''': All right, ladies. Show me what you've got.
:'''Rapunzel''': ''[whips the practice dummy with her hair, dismembering it, then strangling it]'' I finally found the perfect conditioner— ''[pops the dummy's head off]'' blood!
:'''Louis''': ''[shooting arrows and missed the target]'' Oh, curse these stubby arms.
:'''Merida''': You're an alligator. Be an alligator!
:''[Louis turns to Mushu, who is standing beside him]''
:'''Mushu''': Oh, wait! Don't...!
:'''Louis''': ''[eats Mushu]'' Oh! I'm so sorry!
:'''Mulan''': No, no, it was...it was a good kill.
:''[Cut to Snow White's army, ready for their coming battle]''
:'''Snow White''': Not all of us will live to wish upon a star tonight, but we give our lives for a greater good.
:'''Aurora''': ''[yawning]'' Oh dear, I think I'm getting sleepy. I might have to sit this one out, guys.
:'''Snow White''': Don't you pull that shit now!
:'''Aurora''': Just teasing.
:''[An arrow fired by an off-screen Merida strikes Aurora in the throat, killing her instantly]''
:'''Merida''': ''[with her army at the top of a hill]'' Bring me the scalp and/or weave of Snow White! Charge!
:''[The armies charge at each other]''
:'''Jasmine''': I will show you a world of death!
:''[They meet in the middle, where Ariel, now a mermaid, has brought an atomic bomb]''
:'''Ariel''': Look, everyone! I brought my thingamabob! My weapons-grade thingamabob!
:'''Cinderella''': Oh, you just don't know what words are. That's your thing.
:''[The bomb starts beeping, indicating its imminent detonation]''
:'''Princesses''': ''[realizing]'' Ahh! Run away! Run away! ''[running away from the bomb]''
:'''Sebastian''': ''[pops up from behind the bomb, singing]'' Bend over and grab your ankles!
:''[The bomb explodes, completely obscuring the scene with smoke and ash, until it dissipates, revealing that the explosion has eradicated almost everything, leaving nothing but a barren wasteland]''
:'''Merida''': ''[wounded, trudges by]'' Me mother's a bear.
:''[Tinkerbell arrives, then shoots her in the head with a gun, winks, and leaves]''

===Walking Dead Lobster [7.14]===
:''[We start on a gradient aquamarine-blue background, where the Gullah Gullah Island logo rolls in]''
:'''Announcer''': And now, back to Gullah Gullah Island!
:''[We cut to Ron and Natalie's house, where everyone plays Leapfrog with. Two policemen, one blonde and the other with brown hair, arriving at the front door]''
:'''Ron''': ''[jumps over Shaina and Binyah-Binyah]'' This sure is fun, Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': Binyah-Binyah! Have fun, too!
:''[The policemen knock on the door]''
:'''Ron''': I'll get it. ''[opens the door to show the policemen]''
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Hello, sir. We've investigated a tip. A criminal might be in the area; he's robbed a bank and shot three policemen.
:'''Ron''': Oh, no! Well, there's nobody here but me, my wife, our three children, and our man-sized pet polliwog.
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Yeah-no, no, no, that's a man in a frog suit.
:'''Natalie''': ''[incredulous]'' What?! No, he's just a giant polliwog we rescued.
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Where did you find him?
:'''Vanessa''': Oh, behind an amphibious animal costume shop!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': I'm gonna need him out of that frog suit by the count of three. ''[pulls out a pistol]'' One...
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': ''[raises both arms in the air as the Alstons stare in shock]'' Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Two...
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': ''[scared, waving arms]'' Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Three!
:'''Frogman''': ''[screams and strips out of costume, making the Alstons cover their eyes from seeing his nude lesion-covered body]'' No! Don't shoot!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': ''[still points pistol with other officer]'' Down on the ground, Frogman!
:'''Natalie''': ''[disgusted]'' What's on his skin?!
:'''Frogman''': Sores, you dumbass! From wearing that polliwog costume for four months straight! ''[is handcuffed by the blonde policeman and pulled out of the house]'' Binyah-Binyah! Binyah-Binyah!
:''[The brown-haired policeman clubs Frogman on the back of his head to knock him out, ending the sketch''

===Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15]===
:'''Peter Pan''': Fly with me, to Neverland! ''[flies out of the window with the Darling children]''
:'''Mary Darling''': ''[arrives with her husband too late]'' Children, no!
:''[Scene cuts to Neverland]''
:'''Peter Pan''': These are the Lost Boys. They're not vampires. ''[phone rings from inside a tree; curiously]'' We have a phone? ''[picks up the receiver]'' Hello?
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[on the phone]'' I don't know who you are. ''[cut to him with George and Mary]'' I don't know what you want. I don't know why you dress like...
:'''Mary Darling''': A gay Robin Hood.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Like a gay Robin Hood. I have a very particular set of skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. By which I guess I mean, flying gay Robin Hoods.
:''[Cut to Peter]''
:'''Peter Pan''': Good luck finding Neverland, grandpa. ''[hangs up and leaves]''
:''[Cut back to Bryan, George, and Mary]''
:'''George Darling''': Oh, what's he saying?
:'''Bryan Mills''': He's saying, &quot;Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...&quot;
:'''Mary Darling''': That's the dial tone.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Dial tone? ''[hangs up]'' Well, this is a very old phone. ''[to George and Mary]'' He's holding your children in what I presume is an underground sex club called Neverland.
:'''George Darling''': Oh thank goodness, you do security work for bankers like myself, Mr. Mills, but how will you reach the children? They were flying!
:'''Mary Darling''': I think I heard them say something about thinking happy thoughts.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Happy thoughts, eh? ''[imagining himself in the thought bubble, grabbing Peter Pan and throwing him on a step]''
:'''Peter Pan''': No! No! Please!
:''[Bryan crushes Peter's head destroying his face, the thought bubble vanishes]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': Whoo hoo, off I go! ''[flies through the roof]''
:''[Scene cuts to Neverland, Bryan kills the Lost Boys, except Slightly, who turns around and sees the other Lost Boys dead covered in blood]''
:'''Slightly''': ''[farts]'' I just pooped in my tail!
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[holding Slightly at knifepoint]'' Where are the children?!
:''[Slightly farts again before we cut to Wendy and the mermaids]''
:'''Wendy''': I've never meet real live mermaids before.
:'''Mermaid''': ''[laughs]'' That's so fun! Lets drown this bitch! ''[grabs Wendy by her arms]''
:'''Wendy''': No, please, no! ''[opens her eyes to see the mermaids dead]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[wearing the seashell bra]'' Wendy, where are your brothers?
:'''Wendy''': There! On the pirate ship!
:''[Cut to the Pirate ship where John and Michael are cornered by Captain Hook]''
:'''Captain Hook''': Time for these little chickadees to walk the plank! ''[laughs]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[near the dead pirates]'' Tick-tock, time's up! ''[kicks Captain Hook, who falls while screaming into the crocodile's mouth]'' I'm taking you home, children.
:'''Peter Pan''': ''[arrives with Tinkerbell]'' Not so fast, you old codfish! ''[Tinkerbell flies up to Bryan taunting him, Bryan uses his shoe to squash her]'' Tink! Oh, good luck getting home without her fairy dust, asshole!
:'''Bryan Mills''': Why would I want to leave when my happy thoughts are about to come true?
:'''Peter Pan''': Your what? ''[Bryan grabs him and throws him to a step]'' Oh! No! NO! ''[Bryan crashes his head with his foot before his shadow comes out]''
:'''Wendy''': Okay, but seriously man, how the ''[bleep]'' are we getting home?!
:'''Bryan Mills''': Hang on. ''[grabs Peter's shadow and throws it on the same step]''
:'''Peter's shadow''': No, no, wait! ''[screams as Bryan crushes its head in black blood with his foot]''

===Bitch Pudding Special [7.16]===
:''[Part 1 starts, as a funeral for Granny Graham Crackers is taking place at the Strawberryland Church; Raspberry Parfait is speaking at the podium]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Even on cloudy days, Pastryville always had a ray of sunshine. And her name was Granny Graham Crackers. Remember when she knit your favorite scarf, Black Cherry Pie?
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': ''[caressing her scarf fondly]'' I wear it everyday, Raspberry Parfait.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': And Fudge Turnover, remember when she fixed you leaky roof?
:'''Fudge Turnover''': She got heat-stroke and fell into the hedges.
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': ''[indignant]'' While you watched Tango and Cash on Netflix!
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Yes! While I watched Tango and Cash on Netflix.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': And Buttermilk Biscuits, I remember when Granny drove all the way to the big city to get-
:'''Buttermilk Biscuits''': ''[gesturing towards her neck]'' No. Nope. Mnh-mnh.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Your...tonsils out?
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Yeah, your unborn tonsils.
:''[Black Cherry Pie scowls at him]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': ''[clears her throat]'' Now then if there are no more speakers? ''[no one says a word, to her relief]'' Great! Then, in conclusion- ''[But Bitch Pudding opens the door just then. Everyone is shocked. Bitch Pudding walks up to the podium, lightly shoving her out of the way]'' W-We were just wrapping up here, Bitch Pudding.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[grabs the microphone and begin to speak in her calm southern accent]'' I remember Granny. ''[the audience is still dumbfounded]'' I remember her smile. ''[the audience looks relieved]'' I remember how much she loved baking sugar cookies. ''[wipes a tear from her eye]''
:'''All''': ''[react happily]'' Ahh!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': But most of all, I remember... ''[giving a angry rant]'' her rank-ass old-lady farts.
:''[Everyone gasps in shock]''
:''[Raspberry Parfait'': ''[facepalming]'' Oh, God.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': This bitch had no sense of smell, no sense of hearing, so all day long, she was like &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbhhhhhht!&quot;
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Okay. ''[chuckles]'' That's enough-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[pushes Raspberry Parfait and continues]'' And when you're a hundred years old, I guess panties are just an afterthought. I mean, raise your hand if you never saw Granny airing out the Ark of the Covenant! ''[while she’s talking, Raspberry Parfait does the hand signal to turn the camera off, but she then mouths &quot;What the?&quot; Everyone gasps and groans]'' I hope Granny is in heaven, but she had a gambling addiction, so Satan might be doing her up the butt. ''[Everyone gasps again]'' Knock twice if Satan's doing you up the butt, Granny. ''[in Granny's voice]'' I love it up the butt from Satan, everybody! ''[in Satan's voice]'' You rule, Granny! Ha ha! ''[begins humping the coffin; the others gasp and groan in shock once more]'' Now hit my ''[bleep]''ing theme song!
:''[Music plays in the style of “The Trooper” by Iron Maiden, as Bitch Pudding walks down the aisles where she steals an audience member's apple and takes a single bite before giving it to German Chocolate Cake and out of the church, where she closes the doors as the title for the special appears. Everyone starts murmuring]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Now, then-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[bursts into the church again, briefly]'' Da-da-da-da! Bitch Puddin'. Blam! ''[runs off; later that night, she is playing a shooter video game, where she is taking out several in-game enemies]'' Yeah! Suck it.
:''[Bitch Pudding's game avatar approaches a villager character]''
:'''Villager''': You have saved my village!
:''[Bitch Pudding's game avatar shoots the villager dead]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': You mean &quot;my&quot; village! ''[a rumble of thunder is heard as Bitch Pudding's house experiences a power outage and the TV screen dies]'' Aw!
:''[As more rumbles of thunder are heard, a mysterious hooded figure appears behind an unsuspecting Bitch Pudding, revealed by the illumination of lightning outside. The figure is seen first holding a knife, then an axe, then a pistol, and then finally a baseball bat, which the figure uses to club Bitch Pudding in the head-she grunts and falls unconscious]''
:''[To be continued...]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Part 2 starts]''
:''[A few hours later]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Augh. Where?
:'''The Mailbird''': Oh, sounds like my cargo just woke up!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hey! You're that damn bird that delivers our mail.
:'''The Mailbird''': You bet your feathers. But tonight, I'm gettin' paid to make a special delivery. Neither rain nor sleet nor snow will keep your ass out of that volcano. Adios, Bitch Pudding. ''[Bitch Pudding, however, is trying to escape from him]'' Glurk! Ooh! Aah!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': You flying turd! Who hired you?
:'''The Mailbird''': You kill me, we both die.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Good point, jazz cloth. But, on the other hand.
:'''The Mailbird''': Ow! ''[falls]'' Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[falls]'' Ohhhhhhhh!!! ''[Bleeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Ow! Ow! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Ow! Oh! Ow! Oh! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeeeeeeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Oh, ''[bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Mother''[bleep]''ing mother''[bleep]'' er! Ow! Ow! ''[Bleep]'' me! Oh, God! ''[Bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''! ''[hits the tree]'' Ow! ''[Bleep]''! Ohhh! ''[BLEEEEEEEP]''!!!!!
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding opens her eyes to see the Schlorps]''
:'''Schlorp 1''': Who is she?
:'''Schlorp 2''': Grandpappy will know.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Please, stop talking. Your voice is irritating as ''[bleep]''!
:'''Schlorp 2''': How rude!
:'''Schlorp 3''': Well, she's not wrong.
:'''Schlorp 4''': Who is that?
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Welcome to Schlorptown, stranger! We are the Schlorps. And my name is Grandpappy Schlorp.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Are you in charge of this sh*thole?
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': You see anyone else with a beard around here?
:'''Schlorp 2''': We should Schlorp the &quot;Get to know you&quot; song!
:''[Everyone laughs and the peppy music plays]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed]'' No.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪If you get to know me,♪
:♪Then I'll get to know you!♪
:♪Once you're in the group,♪
:♪You're a friend through-and-through!♪
:'''Fishing Pole Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Fishing Pole Schlorp and I catch all the fish!♪
:'''Basketball Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Basketball Schlorp watch this!♪
:'''Schlorps''': Swish!
:'''I.B.S. Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm I.B.S. Schlorp!♪
:♪You'll find me on the stalls♪
:'''Wintertime Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Wintertime Schlorp♪
:♪I'm sweating off my balls?
:'''Chinese Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm a Schlorp who come from China.♪
:'''Miss Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Miss Schlorp with a vagina!♪
:'''Kazoo Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm a Schlorp who plays kazoo♪
:'''Kung Fu Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm a Schlorp who wants Kung Fu!♪ ''[accidentally karate chops on the schlorp]'' So sorry!
:'''Schlorps''': ''[singing]'' ♪So how about the stranger?♪
:♪Tell us all about you!♪
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[grabs Banjo Schlorp's banjo to play it, but swears]'' ♪Shut the ''[bleep]'' u-u-up!!!♪
:''[Discordant note plays. She breaks the banjo and a fishing pole, while kicking a basketball far away. Afterwards, she gets angry to make the Schlorps feel shockingly bad]''
:'''I.B.S. Schlorp''': ''[his stomach growls]'' Oh, god! I'm not gonna make it. I'm not gonna make it. I'm not gonna make it. ''[craps himself]'' Aw. I didn't make it.
:''[Meanwhile, Grandpappy Schlorp tries to create a cast to Bitch Pudding's broken arm]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Ow, you old bastard!
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': There you go. Good as new. Ah, Schlorpette. Is that the Schlorp nut soup for our guest?
:'''Schlorpette''': Yes, but this is the last of our Schlorp nuts. They're all gone.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Aww. The last of the Schlorp nuts. And with winter on its way.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': This tastes like moose dick! I got to go home! Some asshole tried to kill me, so that asshole's gonna get my boot up his asshole.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': With the Schlorp nuts gone, our village faces starvation. You see, the nuts were stolen by the evil squirrel wizard on one tree hill.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Phhhhhhht!
:'''Schlorpette''': It was called that before the show.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': This squirrel sounds like a pissy.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Then perhaps we can make a deal. Bring our nuts home and we help get your butt home.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Uuuuuuuugh! ''[knocks the door]''
:'''Trevor''': ''[arrives]'' Who dares disturb the sa-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blam! ''[attacking Trevor to death]'' Haungh, haungh, hungh! Lick my taco, Squirrel Wizard. Give those dicks their nuts back!
:'''Schlorpette''': Bitch Pudding! That's not the Squirrel Wizard!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Huh? Who the hell is it?
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Trevor? Trevor?! Oh, my god! Trevor!
:'''Schlorpette''': His life partner.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Yuh-oh.
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Rrrrrrrrrrah!
:'''Schlorpette''': Aaaaaah!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Squirrel alert! Squirrel alert!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Rrrrrrrrrgh!
:'''All''': Ohh!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': ''[starts attacking the Schlorps]'' Suck on this! Suck on this! Suck on this!
:'''Schlorp 2''': Ow! Ooh! Ow!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Can't stay. Gotta go. Blam. ''[leaves]''
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Stay and fight, coward!
:'''Schlorp 1''': Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai!
:''[To be continued...]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Part 3 starts]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Whew. Safe. ''[witnessing the Squirrel Wizard using magic spells to murder the Schlorps]'' Oh, ''[bleep]''! They're getting massacred! Who cares about those purple peckers? They never should have trusted me. Or...Or helped me?
:'''Narrator''': And at that moment, Bitch Pudding's heart grew three sizes bigger. Uh, metaphorically. You know, you'll just have to take my word for it.
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Die, you miserable Schlorps! And when you meet God, slap that motherfucker in the face, because existence is nothing but his cruel joke on all of us!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Sorry, spunk-sponge! The Schlorps are under my protection! ''[a mutilated Schlorp coughs up blood and dies]'' Uh starting now! ''[starts to fight against the Squirrel Wizard]''
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Ooh!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blick! ''[still fighting with him]'' Oh!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Suck it!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Oh! Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam! Blaaaam!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Aaah! For Trevor! Punch! Punch!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blam! Blam! Ba-ba-ba-blam! ''[knocks the Squirrel Wizard to the ground]''
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Ugh! Trevor! My fuzzy little angel! ''[Bitch Pudding takes his magic wand]'' Just do it! End me! Use any death spell you choose! Just say the magic words and end my pain!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Abracadabra. ''[stabs the Squirrel Wizard through the head with his wand, finally killing him]'' Eat ''[bleep]''.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': ''[walks into frame, horrified by this scene]'' My Schlorps, gone. All gone.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': As your champion, a eulogy is probably in order. ''[clears throat; Grandpappy Schlorp gives a nod to another Schlorp]'' What can be said- ''[is knocked out by a Schlorp with a baseball bat from behind]'' Ow!
:''[A few hours later]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up and finds out she is in a biplane]'' Huh? Where? What?
:'''Pilot Schlorp''': On behalf of &quot;''[Bleep]'' You Airlines,&quot; go ''[bleep]'' yourself.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[falls]'' Aaaaaaaaagh! Oooooh! Unh! Unh! Unh! ''[lands]'' I-I I'm home. ''[suddenly spots a carnival in Pastryville celebrating her supposed death]'' What the ''[bleep]''?
:'''Pastryville Citizen 1''': Toss Bitch Pudding in the volcano and win a prize!
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Volcano-fried Bitch Pudding on a stick!
:'''Buttermilk Biscuits''': I hate you, Bitch Puddin'!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[turns around to see a mural of her being dropped into the volcano by the mail-delivery bird]'' They were all in on it! The whole town tried to kill me?!
:''[Cut to the church, where the Pastryville citizens sing a hymn]''
:'''Pastryville Citizens''': ''[singing]'' ♪She made our lives a living hell♪
:♪So nasty and so mean♪
:♪And when Bitch Pudding hit the lava♪
:♪You should have heard her scream♪
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': The first annual &quot;Bitch Pudding Is Dead&quot; Festival has been a rousing success! For generations to come, we will- ''[sniffs]'' Hey, guys, do you smell smoke?
:''[Everyone finds that the church is on fire, they all scream]''
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Oh, ''[bleep]''! The door won't open! ''[a Pastryville citizen runs by on fire, screaming. The others attempt to break the church door down]'' All together, now.
:'''Everyone''': One! Two! Three! Oh! Oh!
:''[Upon bursting out, they find Bitch Pudding, alive and well, and holding a minigun in front of them]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blam. ''[as revenge, she guns down every last citizen. A bloodied, mortally wounded Raspberry Parfait grabs onto Bitch Pudding with her last dying ounces of strength]'' Remember when I said I'd shoot you last?
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': I have absolutely no memory of that.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Must have been a fantasy I had when I was masturbating!
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': ''[Bleep]'' you, Bitch Pudding... ''[falls over and dies; Bitch Pudding surveys the dead bodies as heavy metal music plays]''
:''[One day later, Bitch Pudding is seen leaving Pastryville]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': So that's my story. I probably should have done a voiceover through the whole thing, but I didn't feel like it. Now, the only question is what does the future hold?
:''[A car arrives, driven by Nick Fury of the Avengers]''
:'''Nick Fury''': Bitch Pudding. You have become a part of a larger Universe.
:''[Credits; when it ends, Bitch Pudding is seen having stolen Nick Fury's car, driving away]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Da-da-da-da! Blam!
:'''Nick Fury''': What a bitch.

===Batman Forever 21 [7.17]===
:''[Nana is sitting alone, tied to her doghouse at the doorstep of the Darling house]''
:'''Peter Pan''': Off to Neverland!
:'''Michael''': Come on, Nana. ''[grabs Tinker Bell and sprinkles pixie dust all over Nana]''
:''[Nana starts to rise, but gets tangled in the rope and dies]''
:'''Peter Pan and the Children''': ''[in the distance]'' YAAAY!

===The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's [7.18]===
===Chipotle Miserables [7.19]===
===The Robot Chicken Lots of Holidays But Don't Worry Christmas is Still In There Too so Pull the Stick Out of Your Ass Fox News Special [7.20]===</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3147980</id>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-27T02:49:41Z</timestamp>
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      <comment>/* The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's [7.18] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="57251" xml:space="preserve">===G.I. Jogurt [7.01]===
:''[At the Emmy Awards, a G.I. Joe PSA of Roadblock talking to two children is shown on the big screen]''
:'''Roadblock''': I don't know why a 7-year-old would need to deep fry a turkey, but know you know how.
:'''Children''': And knowing is half the battle.
:''[The PSA ends with the &quot;G.I. Joe&quot; jingle]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Be a Turkey on Thanksgiving&quot;.
:''[The G.I. Joes clap, and Duke kisses Scarlett before he heads up with Roadblock to collect their award, while COBRA Commander and Destro watch on from the cheap seats]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': Look at them, Destro. The Joes churn out pedestrian advice to dead-eyed children, and the public eats it up! ''[mocking the Joes]'' &quot;Hey, kids, don't play with fallen electrical lines.&quot; ''[normal voice]'' Reads like a dispatch from the no-shit clinic.
:'''Destro''': I'll get the nerve gas.
:'''COBRA Commander''': No, you fool. We'll beat them at their own game. ''[clenching his fist]'' We'll create our own PSAs!
:''[Cut to COBRA Commander, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, and the Crimson Twins in the briefing room at COBRA Headquarters]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': OK, OK, let's just throw some ideas out there. This is a safe creative place. Dr. Mindbender, go.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Well, I thought our PSA could communicate an idea non-verbally. I've discovered that painting directly on celluloid creates a sort of &quot;tone poem&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Holy ''[bleep]'', that's sounds terrible. I'm sorry, safe place, but holy shit, that was fucking dumb. Next!
:'''Baroness''': ''[enters the room]'' Oh, I forgot you guys were in here writing. I was just looking for a hammer to hang my degree in screenwriting from Aberdeen. Anything I can do for you while I'm in here? ''[looks at him]'' Destro?
:'''Destro''': She's actually really funny, you guys.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Hey, you lost me at &quot;She's&quot;. ''[Bleep'' it! We're doing it without a script.
:''[Cut to the set of COBRA's PSAs, as Destro supervises, Storm Shadow is having his makeup done by one COBRA soldier, and two more soldiers move a camera. Dr. Mindbender enters the set with a group of children]''
:'''Destro''': Dr. Mindbender, you found four young children for our PSAs.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Uh, yes. ''[puts his arms around the children]'' That is what these kidnapped children are for.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[talking to Storm Shadow, who is reading his lines]'' OK, Storm Shadow, these two children will be running with scissors. Now, this upsets you, and you...
:'''Storm Shadow''': Why?
:'''COBRA Commander''': It's dangerous to run with scissors.
:'''Storm Shadow''': I run with Katana. Is that not dangerous?
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow, I hadn't thought of that. Excellent point, Storm Shadow. ''[whispers to Tomax]'' Get this piece of ''[bleep]'' off my set!
:''[One of the children runs past, giggling while running with scissors, but ends up getting killed by Storm Shadow]''
:'''Storm Shadow''': Well, COBRA Commander, it looks like I owe you an apology.
:''[First COBRA PSA: Serpentor telling children about using supplies only at the post office]''
:'''Serpentor''': So, remember, only take supplies if you'll use them for post office business. Any other use is a felony.
:'''Boy''': Now I'm aware.
:'''Serpentor''': ''[putting his arms around the children and smiling]'' And awareness is the second 50% of the conflict in question. ''[beat]'' Somebody say ''[bleep]''ing &quot;Cut&quot;!
:''[Second COBRA PSA: COBRA Commander tells children about the joys of reading]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': And I think you'll find it's not hard to read when you take the time to sssssssssound it out. ''[both children giggle]'' Oh, yesss, I've got a sssmall ssspeech impediment. ''[both children laugh; irritated]'' It'sss not funny! ''[removes his mask, as the children scream and run away, only for the Commander to shoot them dead]'' Shut. It. Down.
:''[At the next Emmy Awards...]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Star in a COBRA PSA&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[shaking his fist]'' What?!
:'''Destro''': ''[shouting over to the troops]'' Pump the nerve gas!

===Link's Sausages [7.02]===
:''[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are standing in the street]''
:'''Tommy Pickles''': ''[holding his Reptar doll]'' Well, after crossing the freeway, base jumping off a cliff, and dodging bullets in a gang war, we finally found my Reptar doll.
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enters the street, finding the babies]'' Tommy! What are you doing in the street?!
:''[Cut to the Pickles' house]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, thank God! They've been lost for hours! Where were they?
:'''Didi Pickles''': Stu, a word?  ''[they walk into the kitchen, their voices get muffled as they talk with the door shut]'' What the ''[bleep]'', Stu?!
:'''Stu Pickles''': Well, I'm sorry. The babies escaped, and I-
:'''Didi Pickles''': Escaped?! They're babies, you sackless moron!
:'''Stu Pickles''': I was downstairs, working on a new toy, and they just-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, a new toy! Never mind, then!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[tearing up]'' Didi, if you keep ridiculing my work, I-I swear to God-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enraged]'' What?! You'll hit me?! Ooh, you're such a man!
:''[Thudding and crashing are heard as Didi violently beats Stu offscreen]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': Didi, stop!
:'''Didi Pickles''': I'll be the man! See, Stu?! I'm the man!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[sobbing]'' I want a divorce!
:''[The babies look devastated as the screen cut to static]''

===Secret of the Booze [7.03]===
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf shaving his beard in his house]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': I don't usually get involved in day-to-day operations, so I'm smurfing undercover. They'll never smurf it's me. ''[chuckles; takes off his pants]'' Ohh, I haven't smurfed these things off in nearly 300 years! Talk about crotch rot!
:''[Title Card: Undercover Smurf Boss]''
:'''Farmer Smurf''': So, you're my new intern, huh?
:'''Papa Smurf''': That's right, Farmer Smurf. Teach me to care about your sad, little life...I mean your noble and fulfilling, uh, career choice.
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Well, Smurfs are a thirsty bunch, so we got to smurf them fresh milk every day!
:''[A giant caterpillar slithers in and turns onto its side, revealing its udders]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[being filmed]'' We've been drinking CATERPILLAR MILK?! ''[milks the giant caterpillar, his hands getting sore]'' Oh, this is agony. It feels like my hands are gonna smurf off!
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Yep, my carpal tunnel got so bad, they had to fuse my wrist bones in place!
:'''Papa Smurf''': But our healthcare is smurfy, right?
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Eh, my deductible is 2,000 smurfberries.
:'''Papa Smurf''': WHAT?! ''[cash register dings]''
:''[Title Card: 1 Smurfberry = 1.78 USD]''
:''[Scene cuts to the Smurf Hospital. Doctor Smurf packs his medical bag]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': Doctor Smurf, why are deductibles so high?
:'''Doctor Smurf''': Boy, you smurf a lot of uppity questions for an intern. Uh, just treat the next patient while I go for a Jamba Juice run in my gold-plated helicopter.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Actually, I'm not really qualified.
:''[Outside the window, Doctor Smurf takes off in his gold-plated helicopter. Door opens, Smurfette and Handy Smurf enter the room]''
:'''Smurfette''': We need Doctor Smurf! Handy had an accident!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Did someone get a sliver? ''[Handy shows his bleeding hand, missing all of his fingers]'' OH MY SMURFING GOD!!!
:'''Handy Smurf''': I sawed right through a load-bearing mushroom! Half our building materials are fungus! Oh, trade school didn't prepare me for this!
:'''Smurfette''': You can smurf his fingers, right, nurse?
:'''Papa Smurf''': I'll certainly try. ''[being filmed]'' I certainly tried.
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf sewing Handy's fingers while Handy lies dead on the table]''
:'''Smurfette''': ''[crying]'' You can probably stop sewing.
:'''Papa Smurf''': No, no, no. I-I'm gonna get this. ''[walks up to Grouchy Smurf]'' So, Grouchy Smurf, how's the coffee today?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate coffee!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh! Okay. But how do you like working here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate working here.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh, goodness. Okay. Well, is there anything that maybe Papa Smurf could do?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate Papa Smurf!
:'''Papa Smurf''': All right, what exactly do you do around here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I-I hate stuff?
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[puts on his red hat]'' I'm being deadly serious.
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I...I... ''[cuts to him, shoveling dog poop outside]'' I hate shoveling dog ''[bleep]''.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Well, now that's actually an appropriate reaction. Carry on, dog-''[bleep]'' Smurf! ''[leaves]''
:''[More dog poop falls from above, next to Grouchy]''

===Rebel Appliance [7.04]===
:'''Lion-O''': My fellow Thundercats! When danger is near, I shall hold the Sword of Omens aloft and yell out a battle cry
:'''Cheetara''': What shall our battle cry be, Lion-O?
:'''Lion-O''': &quot;Thunder, thunder, thunder, thundercats, I need you because evil is near, and we are friends, and we are a team. So we must come together and fight because the Eye of Thundera is in the sky, and it is summoning everyone together. So please come here Panthro and Tygra and Panthro and also Cheetara and also Wilykit and Wilicat and also Snarf. I think I said Panthro twice. I won't do that every time. Yes, we are the Thundercats. This is our battle cry. I love you guys. You are my best friends, and I am Lion-O and I am a Thundercat, and you guys are Thundercats too. Mumm Ra is not a Thundercat, he's bad and we're gonna win against him, because we are the Thundercats, and the Thundercats are here for you today because we are the Thundercats yeah, I'm Lion-O&quot;. I hope you write that down.
:'''Snarf''': I liked it. ''[Wilykat slaps him]'' OW!

===Legion of Super-Gyros [7.05]===
:''[With Grover and Oscar the Grouch]''
:'''Grover''': Oh boy, it sure is a great day here on Sesame Street!
:'''Oscar''': Yeah, especially since we're the last neighborhood in New York that hasn't been gentrified.
:'''Grover''': Until today, because our special guest is Hannah Horvath from the marginally popular but ignored in the flyover states HBO series, Girls!
:'''Hannah''': Hey, do you know where I could find a cocaine dealer/organic Vietnamese taco truck around here?
:'''Oscar''': ''[Bleep]'' me! ''[gets back inside his trash can]''
:'''Hannah''': ''[feels Grover]'' Ooh, you're so cute! ''[later that night]'' I really love how you don't play games, Grover.
:'''Grover''': Oh but I play lots of games, patty cake, and marco polo...Ugh!
:'''Hannah''': ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jacking off]'' Insult my parents! Oh yeah!
:'''Grover''': Woah! ''[scene cuts to him and Hannah learning about numbers with apples]'' Today, we are going to learn about the number 3, I have 3 apples!
:'''Hannah''': And I know 3 girls who were date raped at the same bar on 6th street.
:'''Grover''': That is sad. ''[Hannah eats the apple]'' Uh...you're eating my props.
:'''Hannah''': I'm proud of my body.
:'''Grover''': I know, I know.
:'''Hannah''': Ugh! Yeah! ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jerking off again]''
:'''Grover''': Oh, God!

===El Skeletorio [7.06]===
:'''Crypt Keeper''': Oh, hello! I was just enjoying the latest best &quot;heller&quot;! ''[laughs evilly, but then rips off book cover]'' This is actually Dan Brown's &quot;Inferno.&quot; It's a piece of shit. Our next tale is something of an &quot;alle-gory&quot;! You might say it's a &quot;meta-gore&quot;! Let's just roll it.
:''[Cuts to the outside of Bitch Pudding's house, where the title of the sketch appears. We cut to inside the hpuse, where Bitch Pudding is sleeping]''
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out. Get out of the house. Get out of the hou-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Why don't you get your tongue out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole so I can jam your mama's ''[bleep]'' up there, you ''[bleep]''-gargling pile of monkey spunk? Nothing to say now, huh?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': There's just a lot to unpack there.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Well, wake me up when you figure it out, ''[bleep]'' stick. ''[goes back to sleep]''
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding goes to her fridge when she sees the chairs and flower pot of her table are now completely deformed]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed, she flips them over and destroys them]'' BLAM! Where's your ''[bleep]''-ass art project now, ''[bleep]'' nut?
:'''Ghostly voice''': It wasn't supposed to be art, it was supposed to scare you! God! Forget it! I'm leaving! ''[cuts to Strawberry Shortcake's house, where she is sleeping]'' Strawberry Shortcake!
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': ''[wakes up]'' Huh? What?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out of the house!
:''[A red substance begins to ooze out of the walls, causing Strawberry Shortcake to scream in fear]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[breaks in through the window]'' Hey, ''[bleep]''ing clown, if you're ragging so bad, why don't you take your mama's tampon out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole and lick it clean before you shove it up your ''[bleep]''?!
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Hey, stop talking about my dad's ''[bleep]''hole! I'll-I'll leave town, okay? Oh, FYI, that isn't blood, that is strawberry jam, m'lady. The insulation is leaking. All I did was turn the painting upside down. Live with it.
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': Do you think he was right about the insulation? That could be berry expensive.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hmm, let's see. That depends on whether I give a ''[bleep]'', ''[bleep]'' tits! ''[make a fanfare noise]'' Bitch Pudding! BLAM! ''[jumps out the window]''
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': I should really move.

===Snarfer Image [7.07]===
:''[Ticking, cuts to Elmer Fudd in a field]''
:'''Elmer Fudd:'' ''[narrating]'' Time travel has not been invented yet, ''[cocks his gun]'' but in 30 years, it will be. ''[gunshot]'' In the future, TV networks don't awwow cartoons to have guns, so if they want to kill someone, they send them back here to me. My name is Elmer Fudd, and I'm a Wooper. ''[Title Card: Wooper]'' The only wule is never let your target escape, even if your target is you.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': ''[appears in the field]'' What are you waiting for? Shoot me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': What?!
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': In the future, they don't let me have a gun! That was my one dimension as a character! Know what I did yesterday? I slept for 15 hours and then beat it to a Weader's Digest! Help me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': I can't.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': Come on, give it to me. ''[crying]'' Pleeeease. ''[gunshot]''
:'''Yosemite Sam''': ''[appears in the field]'' I'll have what he's having. ''[gunshot]''
:''[Cuts to Porky Pig on the Looney Tunes circles. The words &quot;That's all, folks!&quot; appear in front]''
:'''Porky Pig''': Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-...That's all, folks! ''[gunshot]''

===Up, Up, and Buffet [7.08]===
:'''Fiona''': The spell has broken! This was my true form all along! I can't wait to marry you, Shrek!
:'''Shrek''': Marry you?
:'''Fiona''': Well, yeah! Since we look the same now, we'll live happily ever after!
:'''Shrek''': Fiona, every morning, I look at myself in the mirror, and I wish my mother had the courage to throw me in the river when I was born. Then I make my way to the putrid swamps, the only place on God's green Earth a monster like me feels at home. Sometimes, children gather to scream at me. &quot;Monster!  Animal!&quot;, they yell. Then someone screams, &quot;Kill yourself!&quot; and it takes a few seconds to realize the voice is coming from my own mouth! By then, I've made my way to the old hanging tree. Before I have time to think about it, I'm wrapping a vine around my own neck. It goes &quot;tot&quot; and I pray to the gods that this time, the vine will hold! But alas, everyday, I wake up in my own filth and I lie there and I cry. I cry because I'll live to see my face again! So nay, marrying a lass with a face as hideous as my own is not on my to-do list!
:'''Fiona''':''[with her mouth full]'' Have you tried these mini cheeseburgers? They're great! ''[sees Shrek hanging from a noose, and to Shrek's disappointment, the noose snaps]''

===Panthropologie [7.09]===
:''[Caption: LEGO City, 2014]''
:'''Wife''': Honey, look out! Cliche!
:'''Gerry''': Huh? ''[all screaming]'' What's happening?!
:'''Cop''': Kre-O! They're everywh- Aah! ''[gets torn apart by the Kre-O's]''
:'''Wife''': There's something wrong with them. They look like us but different!
:'''General''': ''[lands in the helicopter]'' This way! Hurry! Your life has more value than other people! ''[the Lanes get onto the helicopter]'' Gerry, we need your expertise!
:'''Gerry''': My expertise? I'm not a soldier!
:'''General''': Gerry, we need a lawyer.
:''[Title Card: WORLD WAR B (as in blocks)]''
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': Put simply, Gerry, we're being invaded by imitation blocks.
:'''Assistant''': Off-brand products with a taste for LEGO blood!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': They're nearly identical but different. Wrong. Like when you sit on your hand until it goes to sleep. You try to pretend Flo from the Progressive commercials is giving you an HJ, but you know it's not Flo. You know that! She'd never be so clumsy, so artless.
:'''General''': That's impossible! We're trademarked!
:'''Gerry''': No, general. LEGO bricks aren't protected by trademark. They're protected by patent.
:'''General''': Hell, man, what's the difference?
:'''Gerry''': The difference is...patents expire! Cool! Someone turned that legal document into a GIF. That's fun.
:'''General''': Isn't it &quot;jiff&quot;? Anyway, how do we stop it?
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': There's nothing we can do. ''[whispering]'' Don't worry, Flo. I'll protect you.
:'''Assistant''': Don't worry, girl from the Wendy's commercials.
:'''General''': Don't worry, GEICO gecko.
:''[Cut to the map]''
:'''Gerry''': ''[narrating]'' They covered the whole globe in no time: Mega Bloks, Kre-O, Best-Lock, CoCo, BanBao, Rokenbok, Super Blocks, and Leggo with two g's, which was especially insulting.
:''[Caption: Lego Headquarters, Denmark]''
:''[Zombies groaning]''
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' LEGO my baby, LEGO my honey, LEGO my ragtime gal...
:'''Son''': Daddy, are we safe?
:'''Gerry''': Of course we are, son. People are singing, aren't they? Ugh. That is the lowest form of music.
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' ...Honey, you'll lose me, then you'll be left alone...
:''[Zombies groaning loudly]''
:'''Gerry''': The terrible singing! They're attracted to the terrible singing! ''[the zombies start climbing over the walls. Gerry knocks out the quartet. Soldiers start shooting]'' Ohh! - Ow! Fire! Fire! They're too fast!-Ohh!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': ''[runs in with the syringe]'' Gerry, I've found a way to camouflage ourselves!
:'''Gerry''': That beats my solution. ''[acts out shooting zombies, and then acts out shooting himself]'' Pew pew! Pew pew! Pew!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': LEGOs are machined to a tolerance of 10 micrometers! That's why we're so expensive! But this serum will make us look cheaper and sloppier! ''[injects himself]'' Aah! ''[turns into a Playmobil figure]'' We look like them now!
:'''Gerry''': I'd rather die.
:'''Son''': ''[notices something]'' What?! They have Transformers?
:'''Gerry''': No, son! No!
:'''Son''': Aah! ''[Bumblebee rips him in half]''
:'''Gerry''': Nooooooo!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': You probably don't even want to go on living now.
:'''Gerry''': Huh? Oh, that was just a kid from my wife's first marriage. But that looked really painful. Hit me with the juice! ''[gets injected]'' Ugh! ''[the serum transforms him into...]'' No! You turned me into a ''[bleep]''ing DUPLO! It's the same company as LEGO, you fool! Aah! Aah! ''[Mrs. Lane and the Doctor run away whilst DUPLO Gerry gets his head ripped off]'' Guys, is this ending working? Let's re-shoot it.
:''[Zombies murmuring]''

===Catdog on a Stick [7.10]===
:'''Executive''': You sure you wanna do a movie, Tiger?
:'''Tiger''': I want to be beloved again, like before I had sex with all those waitresses from IHOP. Jordan did Space Jam. I want my Space Jam.
:'''Executive''': Well, studios aren't lining up to lend their characters to a Tiger Woods movie. Everyone aggressively passed except DiC, but I cannot recommend that.
:''[Cut to the title card for the Golf Jam movie]''
:'''Singers''': Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to Tiger on the golf course]''
:'''Tiger''': Time for a day of playing golf and being faithful to my girlfriend. ''[falls down a large hole]'' What? Whoooooooa!! ''[lands in DiC Land, surrounded by Heathcliff and other DiC characters]'' Ow!
:'''Heathcliff''': Welcome to DiC Land, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[getting up from his fall and waving hello]'' Why, hi, Garfield.
:'''Heathcliff''': I'm Heathcliff. I'm more romantic and have an accent. This is Cleo.
:'''Cleo''': We need your help, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to put my penis in you... ''[snaps back to attention, and looks at the camera]'' I mean, I love my girlfriend.
:'''Cleo''': We brought you here because the evil Dork Punks challenged us to a game of golf.
:'''Tiger''': ''[once again enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to hump your face... ''[flustered]'' I mean, help your face- ''[snaps out of it again]'' Help you, I will help you!
:''[The Dork Punks walk into the shot, as Tiger turns to look at them]''
:'''Dork Punk''': Let's tee off, DiC-heads!
:''[Tiger and Heathcliff look at each other and nod, and we cut to a golf-playing montage. Tiger (now wearing a cap with the DiC logo on it) hits a beautful shot as Heathcliff, Cleo, and a couple of other toons watch. LongArm uses his gauntlet to sink a putt, as Tiger chats up Princess Lana and receives a slap to the face from her. As Cleo prepares to sink her putt, Tiger walks up from behind and starts pretending to hump her. Ja-Kal prepares to take a shot as Armon looks on, but a piece of Armon's gauze is caught on Ja-Kal's club. As Ja-Kal swings, he and Armon both get tied up in Armon's gauze. Tiger is seen in one of the bunkers with Nefer-Tina sitting on top of him, as she unwraps the gauze from her upper body much to Tiger's delight. The montage ends as Tiger is getting ready to sink his final putt, with Cleo and Hammerman watching on]''
:'''Hammerman''': If you sink this putt, we win!
:'''Tiger''': Wish me luck, Bobby Brown.
:'''Hammerman''': Bobby Brown? I'm Hammerman! I'm M.C. Hammer, except not, and I have magic shoes. ''[shows off his magic dancing shoes]''
:'''Tiger''': ''[looks at Cleo]'' You know, I don't even know if I want to save you DiC's. You're just uninspired rehashes of good ideas. Seriously, how cheap is DiC? This is a movie, and you all look like you were drawn on a napkin.
:'''Cleo''': Win the game and I'll blow you.
:''[Upon hearing this, Tiger immediately sinks the putt and wins the game. As the DiC toons celebrate, Tiger unzips his pants and takes a terrified Cleo by the hand into the Pancake House for his well-earned blowjob]''
:'''Hammerman''': ''[rapping]'' Everybody tee off, get a club in your hands, charisma-free sex addict saving DiC Land! Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to black with the bold white text &quot;Golf Jam was rented once from Redbox. The copy was returned on time.&quot;]''

===Super Guitaro Center [7.11]===
:'''Shredder''': The &quot;Channel 6 News Masquerade Ball&quot; is the opportunity for me to kidnap April O'Neil. She's the perfect bait to catch the turtles. ''[surprised to see April's costume]'' Wow! Out of that bulky lesbian jumpsuit, she's hot as ''[bleep]''!
:'''April''': Care to dance, Mr. Potter?
:'''Shredder''': WHAT?! ''[cuts to Shredder dancing with April]'' And, what's your costume?
:'''April''': Belle from &quot;Beauty and The Beast&quot;, but a dick-slut.
:'''Shredder''': Is your favorite restaurant, Taco &quot;Belle&quot;?
:''[Both laugh]''
:'''April''': You are hilarious.
:'''Shredder''': On the count of 3, say your favorite band. 1, 2, 3!
:'''Shredder and April''': Toad the Wet Sprocket! ''[pause, they both kiss]''
:'''April''': ''[feels the blade, and gasped]'' Wait. Are you-
:'''Shredder''': In love? Yes. WHAT?! Bye! ''[leaves]''
:'''April''': ''[realizing]'' Shredder?
:''[Cut to Shredder with April outside her apartment after the party]''
:'''Shredder''': Think of something poetic, Oroku. ''[to April]'' But soft, you are total boner food!
:'''April''': Oh, Shredder. My heart doesn't take sides.
:'''Shredder''': People won't approve.
:'''April''': No one can keep us apart.
:''[They both kiss again. Then cuts to the sewer]''
:'''Raphael''': Aww, Hell to the No! ''[punches a brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''April''': We're soul mates! We both love Toad the Wet Sprocket.
:'''Michelangelo''': Toad the-What?! Is that a sex thing?! Have you guys had sex?!
:'''April''': No. Just dry humping, and ball play.
:'''Raphael''': Ball play?! ''[punches the same brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''Splinter''': You must stay away from Shredder, April. He is dangerous. Sleep here tonight. Donatello, grab the guest pillows.
:''[Donatello grabs pizza boxes which are the guest pillows, and puts them on the couch. Later while everyone's asleep, Shredder comes up from behind the couch to see April]''
:'''April''': ''[gasps]'' What are you doing here?
:'''Shredder''': I came to say &quot;Hi&quot;, ''[lays down next to her]'' and also have sex after the whole &quot;Hi&quot; thing.
:'''April''': It's like Six Flags Hurricane Harbor in my panties right now. ''[they both kiss again. Later, we see her and Shredder outside the manhole]'' Mmm, Mmm. You really Toadied my Wet Sprocket. When will I see you again?
:'''Shredder''': Soon, I hope. I should go before the turtles wake up. Plus, I have some major ExtenZe farts coming on. ''[farts]''
:''[Next morning while April was having her breakfast]''
:'''Donatello''': April, just go on one date with Casey. He's a good guy.
:'''April''': Casey is a jobless loser in sweats! ''[walks away]''
:'''Casey''': Good start to my morning.
:'''[Cut to April with the Rat King]''
:'''April''': So, I left. What should I do, Mr. Rat King? I belong with Shredder.
:'''Rat King''': I have an idea! And my idea involves you taking a lot of poison very quickly.
:'''April''': ''[pause, interested]'' Go on?
:''[Cut to April playing dead]''
:'''Shredder''': ''[shocked]'' It can't be! April?! NO!!!! WHY?!?! ''[accidentally hits April with his spikes]''
:'''April''': ''[wakes up in pain]'' Ow! Ow! Ow! What the ''[bleep]''?! Shredder!
:'''Shredder''': April! You're alive!
:'''April''': The poison only made me appear dead. Didn't you read &quot;Romeo and Juliet&quot;, you ''[bleep]''ing ass clown? ''[gags and dies]''
:'''Shredder''': NOOOOOOO!!!!!! ''[a few seconds of silence]'' Just gonna take my Toad the Wet Sprocket bootleg back. ''[takes his CD back, and leaves]''

===Noidstrom Rack [7.12]===
:'''Picard''': ''[dozing in the captain's chair on the bridge of the Enterprise]'' What's that Beverly? You want Wesley to watch? Hmm, make it so! ''[jerks awake]'' Oh, 2300 hours, time for the night crew to relieve us! ''[moves to leave the bridge, as Captain Jake enters]'' Captain.
:'''Captain Jake''': Capitan! ''[the Enterprise bridge crew file out, as their night crew replacements enter]'' Night crew, maintain course. ''[cut to the Enterprise moving through space]'' Space, the final frontier! These are the 11pm to 7am voyages of the Enterprise's night crew. Its continuing mission...is to PAR-TAY! ''[starts drinking from a beer can as the night crew cheer]''
:'''Night Crew''': Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! [A Borg cube appears on the view screen]
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Captain Jake, a Borg cube is hailing us.
:'''Captain Jake''': They probably want us to turn down our jams...Fat chance!
:'''Borg Drone''': Lower your shields, your culture will adapt to service us.
:'''Captain Jake''': You want us to service you?
:'''Borg Drone''': Affirmative. You will service the Borg, all night if needed! ''[Commander LaFreak sniggers. The Borg Drone looks unamused]'' Wait! Our hive mind has assimilated double entendres- real mature, guys! Prepare for assimilation! ''[the Borg cube begins to shoot at the Enterprise with its lasers]''
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Our shields won't last long, sir! Should we wake up the bald guy?
:'''Captain Jake''': ''[opens another can of beer]'' No way, Commander LaFreak! We'll beat the Borg like we beat that frat on Gallos 7!
:'''Commander LaFreak''': We'll sell naked photos of their girlfriends at a pie-eating contest?
:'''Captain Jake''': What?! No! Like any frat, the Borg share a hive mind, man. If we get one Borg to party, all Borg will party! Night crew, prepare to rock out with our Spocks out! ''[the night crew beam across to the Borg cube]'' Anybody order a partygram? ''[the night crew start playing music and drinking with the Borg drones in the cube. He pulls out a bottle of champagne to a female Borg drone]'' Wet t-shirt contest! ''[opens the champagne bottle on the female drone, who doesn't react even when he douses her chest]'' Oh right, no shirt...you want mine? ''[removes his Captain's jumper, just as the Borg drone he talked to advances on him]'' Whoa, chill out, dude! Wait, is she your daughter?
:'''Borg Drone''': Enough! Partying is futile! ''[jabs Captain Jake with its injection tubes, only to recoil. Captain Jake grins]'' Your blood, so full of beer! Your party, so hearty! ''[grabs a cup of beer from a Klingon night crew member and chugs it]'' Woo-hoooo! ''[the rest of the Borg join the drone and the night crew in partying]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Now this, I can assimilate! ''[he and the drone hug]''
:''[Cut to the Borg cube drawing a giant cock on a planet with its lasers. Cut to an awards ceremony on the bridge of the Enterprise]''
:'''Starfleet Admiral''': Captain Jake, Starfleet thanks you for defeating the Borg. ''[hangs a medal around Captain Jake's neck]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Bitchin'!
:'''Picard''': ''[fuming]'' NIGHT CREEEEEEWWWWW! ''[everyone looks round nervously, until he grins]'' Beer me! ''[the night crew cheer and Jake tosses Picard a can]'' You glorious sons of bitches!

===Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13]===
:''[The Disney Princess Castle is shown]''
:'''Snow White''': ''[from inside]'' Welcome to the Princess Summit, ''[cut to inside]'' where we address the complex political issues facing our kingdoms.
:'''Rapunzel''': Hairstyles.
:'''Cinderella''': Talking pets.
:'''Tiana''': Hairstyles for our talking pets.
:'''Ariel''': Crabs. ''[everyone looks at her in disgust]'' I've got crabs.
:'''Snow White''': Well, isn't that just, um...and where is our newest princess?
:'''Merida''': ''[enters, carrying a dead boar dripping with blood]'' Ach! Sorry I'm late. I killed a boar on the way here.
:'''Aurora''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, you're so feminist and empowered. Great.
:'''Merida''': ''[laying boar on the table and gutting it]'' 'Ey, wee beastie! Have we got to grievances yet? A bunch of wee dwarves are illegally mining me territory.
:'''Snow White''': Oh, Merida, you have far bigger problems. Let me tell you about them.
:'''Merida''': Not a damn song.
:'''Snow White''': ''[singing]'' Here's a list of things to drop;
:Your accent, bow, that tangled mop.
:Fifteen pounds from off your hips
:Those ginger afros 'neath your pits
:And no prince will want to mingle
:With a girl with no hit single.
:''[Cinderella, Aurora, and Ariel hold up gold records]''
:'''Cinderella''': ''[spoken]'' And your pet's hair is a disaster.
:'''Merida''': That's me mother! She's a bear! The trailer was very misleading! ''[holds the knife to Snow White's neck''] I came here looking for justice; instead, I found treachery. Prepare yourself for war. ''[Leaves]''
:'''Mulan''': ''[following Merida]'' Someone finally said it! See you on the killing field, round-eyes. ''[leaves]''
:'''Belle''': Amen, sister. ''[leaves]''
:'''Tiana''': Stuck-up bitches!
:''[Rapunzel follows. The remaining princesses look on. We transition to the next scene where Snow White is preparing her army for war against Merida's army]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, that Merida! I'll show her. ''[out the window]'' Send in my war counsel. ''[a cute Disney-esque bird flies up to the windowsill]'' What shall I do, little one?
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Core that bitch like an apple.
:'''Snow White''': Oh my.
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Weave a tapestry of their intestines.
:'''Snow White''': Okay, okay, I get it, I get it. We need weapons.
:'''Cinderella''': I've got a guy.
:''[The Fairy Godmother appears]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, good idea. We'll fight them with magic.
:'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[laying bag of assault weapons on table]'' Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo, that's twenty grand.
:'''Princesses''': Ooh, wow!
:'''Ariel''': Do you need thingamabobs? I've got thingamabobs.
:'''Jasmine''': Nobody cares about the dildo collection you dredged up from the Atlantic, you fishy bitch. ''[Ariel runs away crying]'' Anyone else have cold tits?
:''[We cut to Merida's training grounds]''
:'''Merida''': All right, ladies. Show me what you've got.
:'''Rapunzel''': ''[whips the practice dummy with her hair, dismembering it, then strangling it]'' I finally found the perfect conditioner— ''[pops the dummy's head off]'' blood!
:'''Louis''': ''[shooting arrows and missed the target]'' Oh, curse these stubby arms.
:'''Merida''': You're an alligator. Be an alligator!
:''[Louis turns to Mushu, who is standing beside him]''
:'''Mushu''': Oh, wait! Don't...!
:'''Louis''': ''[eats Mushu]'' Oh! I'm so sorry!
:'''Mulan''': No, no, it was...it was a good kill.
:''[Cut to Snow White's army, ready for their coming battle]''
:'''Snow White''': Not all of us will live to wish upon a star tonight, but we give our lives for a greater good.
:'''Aurora''': ''[yawning]'' Oh dear, I think I'm getting sleepy. I might have to sit this one out, guys.
:'''Snow White''': Don't you pull that shit now!
:'''Aurora''': Just teasing.
:''[An arrow fired by an off-screen Merida strikes Aurora in the throat, killing her instantly]''
:'''Merida''': ''[with her army at the top of a hill]'' Bring me the scalp and/or weave of Snow White! Charge!
:''[The armies charge at each other]''
:'''Jasmine''': I will show you a world of death!
:''[They meet in the middle, where Ariel, now a mermaid, has brought an atomic bomb]''
:'''Ariel''': Look, everyone! I brought my thingamabob! My weapons-grade thingamabob!
:'''Cinderella''': Oh, you just don't know what words are. That's your thing.
:''[The bomb starts beeping, indicating its imminent detonation]''
:'''Princesses''': ''[realizing]'' Ahh! Run away! Run away! ''[running away from the bomb]''
:'''Sebastian''': ''[pops up from behind the bomb, singing]'' Bend over and grab your ankles!
:''[The bomb explodes, completely obscuring the scene with smoke and ash, until it dissipates, revealing that the explosion has eradicated almost everything, leaving nothing but a barren wasteland]''
:'''Merida''': ''[wounded, trudges by]'' Me mother's a bear.
:''[Tinkerbell arrives, then shoots her in the head with a gun, winks, and leaves]''

===Walking Dead Lobster [7.14]===
:''[We start on a gradient aquamarine-blue background, where the Gullah Gullah Island logo rolls in]''
:'''Announcer''': And now, back to Gullah Gullah Island!
:''[We cut to Ron and Natalie's house, where everyone plays Leapfrog with. Two policemen, one blonde and the other with brown hair, arriving at the front door]''
:'''Ron''': ''[jumps over Shaina and Binyah-Binyah]'' This sure is fun, Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': Binyah-Binyah! Have fun, too!
:''[The policemen knock on the door]''
:'''Ron''': I'll get it. ''[opens the door to show the policemen]''
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Hello, sir. We've investigated a tip. A criminal might be in the area; he's robbed a bank and shot three policemen.
:'''Ron''': Oh, no! Well, there's nobody here but me, my wife, our three children, and our man-sized pet polliwog.
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Yeah-no, no, no, that's a man in a frog suit.
:'''Natalie''': ''[incredulous]'' What?! No, he's just a giant polliwog we rescued.
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Where did you find him?
:'''Vanessa''': Oh, behind an amphibious animal costume shop!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': I'm gonna need him out of that frog suit by the count of three. ''[pulls out a pistol]'' One...
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': ''[raises both arms in the air as the Alstons stare in shock]'' Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Two...
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': ''[scared, waving arms]'' Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Three!
:'''Frogman''': ''[screams and strips out of costume, making the Alstons cover their eyes from seeing his nude lesion-covered body]'' No! Don't shoot!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': ''[still points pistol with other officer]'' Down on the ground, Frogman!
:'''Natalie''': ''[disgusted]'' What's on his skin?!
:'''Frogman''': Sores, you dumbass! From wearing that polliwog costume for four months straight! ''[is handcuffed by the blonde policeman and pulled out of the house]'' Binyah-Binyah! Binyah-Binyah!
:''[The brown-haired policeman clubs Frogman on the back of his head to knock him out, ending the sketch''

===Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15]===
:'''Peter Pan''': Fly with me, to Neverland! ''[flies out of the window with the Darling children]''
:'''Mary Darling''': ''[arrives with her husband too late]'' Children, no!
:''[Scene cuts to Neverland]''
:'''Peter Pan''': These are the Lost Boys. They're not vampires. ''[phone rings from inside a tree; curiously]'' We have a phone? ''[picks up the receiver]'' Hello?
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[on the phone]'' I don't know who you are. ''[cut to him with George and Mary]'' I don't know what you want. I don't know why you dress like...
:'''Mary Darling''': A gay Robin Hood.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Like a gay Robin Hood. I have a very particular set of skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. By which I guess I mean, flying gay Robin Hoods.
:''[Cut to Peter]''
:'''Peter Pan''': Good luck finding Neverland, grandpa. ''[hangs up and leaves]''
:''[Cut back to Bryan, George, and Mary]''
:'''George Darling''': Oh, what's he saying?
:'''Bryan Mills''': He's saying, &quot;Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...&quot;
:'''Mary Darling''': That's the dial tone.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Dial tone? ''[hangs up]'' Well, this is a very old phone. ''[to George and Mary]'' He's holding your children in what I presume is an underground sex club called Neverland.
:'''George Darling''': Oh thank goodness, you do security work for bankers like myself, Mr. Mills, but how will you reach the children? They were flying!
:'''Mary Darling''': I think I heard them say something about thinking happy thoughts.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Happy thoughts, eh? ''[imagining himself in the thought bubble, grabbing Peter Pan and throwing him on a step]''
:'''Peter Pan''': No! No! Please!
:''[Bryan crushes Peter's head destroying his face, the thought bubble vanishes]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': Whoo hoo, off I go! ''[flies through the roof]''
:''[Scene cuts to Neverland, Bryan kills the Lost Boys, except Slightly, who turns around and sees the other Lost Boys dead covered in blood]''
:'''Slightly''': ''[farts]'' I just pooped in my tail!
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[holding Slightly at knifepoint]'' Where are the children?!
:''[Slightly farts again before we cut to Wendy and the mermaids]''
:'''Wendy''': I've never meet real live mermaids before.
:'''Mermaid''': ''[laughs]'' That's so fun! Lets drown this bitch! ''[grabs Wendy by her arms]''
:'''Wendy''': No, please, no! ''[opens her eyes to see the mermaids dead]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[wearing the seashell bra]'' Wendy, where are your brothers?
:'''Wendy''': There! On the pirate ship!
:''[Cut to the Pirate ship where John and Michael are cornered by Captain Hook]''
:'''Captain Hook''': Time for these little chickadees to walk the plank! ''[laughs]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[near the dead pirates]'' Tick-tock, time's up! ''[kicks Captain Hook, who falls while screaming into the crocodile's mouth]'' I'm taking you home, children.
:'''Peter Pan''': ''[arrives with Tinkerbell]'' Not so fast, you old codfish! ''[Tinkerbell flies up to Bryan taunting him, Bryan uses his shoe to squash her]'' Tink! Oh, good luck getting home without her fairy dust, asshole!
:'''Bryan Mills''': Why would I want to leave when my happy thoughts are about to come true?
:'''Peter Pan''': Your what? ''[Bryan grabs him and throws him to a step]'' Oh! No! NO! ''[Bryan crashes his head with his foot before his shadow comes out]''
:'''Wendy''': Okay, but seriously man, how the ''[bleep]'' are we getting home?!
:'''Bryan Mills''': Hang on. ''[grabs Peter's shadow and throws it on the same step]''
:'''Peter's shadow''': No, no, wait! ''[screams as Bryan crushes its head in black blood with his foot]''

===Bitch Pudding Special [7.16]===
:''[Part 1 starts, as a funeral for Granny Graham Crackers is taking place at the Strawberryland Church; Raspberry Parfait is speaking at the podium]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Even on cloudy days, Pastryville always had a ray of sunshine. And her name was Granny Graham Crackers. Remember when she knit your favorite scarf, Black Cherry Pie?
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': ''[caressing her scarf fondly]'' I wear it everyday, Raspberry Parfait.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': And Fudge Turnover, remember when she fixed you leaky roof?
:'''Fudge Turnover''': She got heat-stroke and fell into the hedges.
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': ''[indignant]'' While you watched Tango and Cash on Netflix!
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Yes! While I watched Tango and Cash on Netflix.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': And Buttermilk Biscuits, I remember when Granny drove all the way to the big city to get-
:'''Buttermilk Biscuits''': ''[gesturing towards her neck]'' No. Nope. Mnh-mnh.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Your...tonsils out?
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Yeah, your unborn tonsils.
:''[Black Cherry Pie scowls at him]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': ''[clears her throat]'' Now then if there are no more speakers? ''[no one says a word, to her relief]'' Great! Then, in conclusion- ''[But Bitch Pudding opens the door just then. Everyone is shocked. Bitch Pudding walks up to the podium, lightly shoving her out of the way]'' W-We were just wrapping up here, Bitch Pudding.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[grabs the microphone and begin to speak in her calm southern accent]'' I remember Granny. ''[the audience is still dumbfounded]'' I remember her smile. ''[the audience looks relieved]'' I remember how much she loved baking sugar cookies. ''[wipes a tear from her eye]''
:'''All''': ''[react happily]'' Ahh!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': But most of all, I remember... ''[giving a angry rant]'' her rank-ass old-lady farts.
:''[Everyone gasps in shock]''
:''[Raspberry Parfait'': ''[facepalming]'' Oh, God.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': This bitch had no sense of smell, no sense of hearing, so all day long, she was like &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbhhhhhht!&quot;
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Okay. ''[chuckles]'' That's enough-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[pushes Raspberry Parfait and continues]'' And when you're a hundred years old, I guess panties are just an afterthought. I mean, raise your hand if you never saw Granny airing out the Ark of the Covenant! ''[while she’s talking, Raspberry Parfait does the hand signal to turn the camera off, but she then mouths &quot;What the?&quot; Everyone gasps and groans]'' I hope Granny is in heaven, but she had a gambling addiction, so Satan might be doing her up the butt. ''[Everyone gasps again]'' Knock twice if Satan's doing you up the butt, Granny. ''[in Granny's voice]'' I love it up the butt from Satan, everybody! ''[in Satan's voice]'' You rule, Granny! Ha ha! ''[begins humping the coffin; the others gasp and groan in shock once more]'' Now hit my ''[bleep]''ing theme song!
:''[Music plays in the style of “The Trooper” by Iron Maiden, as Bitch Pudding walks down the aisles where she steals an audience member's apple and takes a single bite before giving it to German Chocolate Cake and out of the church, where she closes the doors as the title for the special appears. Everyone starts murmuring]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Now, then-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[bursts into the church again, briefly]'' Da-da-da-da! Bitch Puddin'. Blam! ''[runs off; later that night, she is playing a shooter video game, where she is taking out several in-game enemies]'' Yeah! Suck it.
:''[Bitch Pudding's game avatar approaches a villager character]''
:'''Villager''': You have saved my village!
:''[Bitch Pudding's game avatar shoots the villager dead]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': You mean &quot;my&quot; village! ''[a rumble of thunder is heard as Bitch Pudding's house experiences a power outage and the TV screen dies]'' Aw!
:''[As more rumbles of thunder are heard, a mysterious hooded figure appears behind an unsuspecting Bitch Pudding, revealed by the illumination of lightning outside. The figure is seen first holding a knife, then an axe, then a pistol, and then finally a baseball bat, which the figure uses to club Bitch Pudding in the head-she grunts and falls unconscious]''
:''[To be continued...]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Part 2 starts]''
:''[A few hours later]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Augh. Where?
:'''The Mailbird''': Oh, sounds like my cargo just woke up!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hey! You're that damn bird that delivers our mail.
:'''The Mailbird''': You bet your feathers. But tonight, I'm gettin' paid to make a special delivery. Neither rain nor sleet nor snow will keep your ass out of that volcano. Adios, Bitch Pudding. ''[Bitch Pudding, however, is trying to escape from him]'' Glurk! Ooh! Aah!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': You flying turd! Who hired you?
:'''The Mailbird''': You kill me, we both die.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Good point, jazz cloth. But, on the other hand.
:'''The Mailbird''': Ow! ''[falls]'' Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[falls]'' Ohhhhhhhh!!! ''[Bleeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Ow! Ow! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Ow! Oh! Ow! Oh! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeeeeeeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Oh, ''[bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Mother''[bleep]''ing mother''[bleep]'' er! Ow! Ow! ''[Bleep]'' me! Oh, God! ''[Bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''! ''[hits the tree]'' Ow! ''[Bleep]''! Ohhh! ''[BLEEEEEEEP]''!!!!!
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding opens her eyes to see the Schlorps]''
:'''Schlorp 1''': Who is she?
:'''Schlorp 2''': Grandpappy will know.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Please, stop talking. Your voice is irritating as ''[bleep]''!
:'''Schlorp 2''': How rude!
:'''Schlorp 3''': Well, she's not wrong.
:'''Schlorp 4''': Who is that?
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Welcome to Schlorptown, stranger! We are the Schlorps. And my name is Grandpappy Schlorp.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Are you in charge of this sh*thole?
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': You see anyone else with a beard around here?
:'''Schlorp 2''': We should Schlorp the &quot;Get to know you&quot; song!
:''[Everyone laughs and the peppy music plays]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed]'' No.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪If you get to know me,♪
:♪Then I'll get to know you!♪
:♪Once you're in the group,♪
:♪You're a friend through-and-through!♪
:'''Fishing Pole Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Fishing Pole Schlorp and I catch all the fish!♪
:'''Basketball Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Basketball Schlorp watch this!♪
:'''Schlorps''': Swish!
:'''I.B.S. Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm I.B.S. Schlorp!♪
:♪You'll find me on the stalls♪
:'''Wintertime Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Wintertime Schlorp♪
:♪I'm sweating off my balls?
:'''Chinese Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm a Schlorp who come from China.♪
:'''Miss Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Miss Schlorp with a vagina!♪
:'''Kazoo Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm a Schlorp who plays kazoo♪
:'''Kung Fu Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm a Schlorp who wants Kung Fu!♪ ''[accidentally karate chops on the schlorp]'' So sorry!
:'''Schlorps''': ''[singing]'' ♪So how about the stranger?♪
:♪Tell us all about you!♪
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[grabs Banjo Schlorp's banjo to play it, but swears]'' ♪Shut the ''[bleep]'' u-u-up!!!♪
:''[Discordant note plays. She breaks the banjo and a fishing pole, while kicking a basketball far away. Afterwards, she gets angry to make the Schlorps feel shockingly bad]''
:'''I.B.S. Schlorp''': ''[his stomach growls]'' Oh, god! I'm not gonna make it. I'm not gonna make it. I'm not gonna make it. ''[craps himself]'' Aw. I didn't make it.
:''[Meanwhile, Grandpappy Schlorp tries to create a cast to Bitch Pudding's broken arm]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Ow, you old bastard!
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': There you go. Good as new. Ah, Schlorpette. Is that the Schlorp nut soup for our guest?
:'''Schlorpette''': Yes, but this is the last of our Schlorp nuts. They're all gone.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Aww. The last of the Schlorp nuts. And with winter on its way.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': This tastes like moose dick! I got to go home! Some asshole tried to kill me, so that asshole's gonna get my boot up his asshole.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': With the Schlorp nuts gone, our village faces starvation. You see, the nuts were stolen by the evil squirrel wizard on one tree hill.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Phhhhhhht!
:'''Schlorpette''': It was called that before the show.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': This squirrel sounds like a pissy.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Then perhaps we can make a deal. Bring our nuts home and we help get your butt home.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Uuuuuuuugh! ''[knocks the door]''
:'''Trevor''': ''[arrives]'' Who dares disturb the sa-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blam! ''[attacking Trevor to death]'' Haungh, haungh, hungh! Lick my taco, Squirrel Wizard. Give those dicks their nuts back!
:'''Schlorpette''': Bitch Pudding! That's not the Squirrel Wizard!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Huh? Who the hell is it?
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Trevor? Trevor?! Oh, my god! Trevor!
:'''Schlorpette''': His life partner.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Yuh-oh.
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Rrrrrrrrrrah!
:'''Schlorpette''': Aaaaaah!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Squirrel alert! Squirrel alert!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Rrrrrrrrrgh!
:'''All''': Ohh!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': ''[starts attacking the Schlorps]'' Suck on this! Suck on this! Suck on this!
:'''Schlorp 2''': Ow! Ooh! Ow!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Can't stay. Gotta go. Blam. ''[leaves]''
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Stay and fight, coward!
:'''Schlorp 1''': Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai!
:''[To be continued...]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Part 3 starts]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Whew. Safe. ''[witnessing the Squirrel Wizard using magic spells to murder the Schlorps]'' Oh, ''[bleep]''! They're getting massacred! Who cares about those purple peckers? They never should have trusted me. Or...Or helped me?
:'''Narrator''': And at that moment, Bitch Pudding's heart grew three sizes bigger. Uh, metaphorically. You know, you'll just have to take my word for it.
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Die, you miserable Schlorps! And when you meet God, slap that motherfucker in the face, because existence is nothing but his cruel joke on all of us!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Sorry, spunk-sponge! The Schlorps are under my protection! ''[a mutilated Schlorp coughs up blood and dies]'' Uh starting now! ''[starts to fight against the Squirrel Wizard]''
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Ooh!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blick! ''[still fighting with him]'' Oh!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Suck it!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Oh! Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam! Blaaaam!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Aaah! For Trevor! Punch! Punch!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blam! Blam! Ba-ba-ba-blam! ''[knocks the Squirrel Wizard to the ground]''
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Ugh! Trevor! My fuzzy little angel! ''[Bitch Pudding takes his magic wand]'' Just do it! End me! Use any death spell you choose! Just say the magic words and end my pain!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Abracadabra. ''[stabs the Squirrel Wizard through the head with his wand, finally killing him]'' Eat ''[bleep]''.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': ''[walks into frame, horrified by this scene]'' My Schlorps, gone. All gone.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': As your champion, a eulogy is probably in order. ''[clears throat; Grandpappy Schlorp gives a nod to another Schlorp]'' What can be said- ''[is knocked out by a Schlorp with a baseball bat from behind]'' Ow!
:''[A few hours later]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up and finds out she is in a biplane]'' Huh? Where? What?
:'''Pilot Schlorp''': On behalf of &quot;''[Bleep]'' You Airlines,&quot; go ''[bleep]'' yourself.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[falls]'' Aaaaaaaaagh! Oooooh! Unh! Unh! Unh! ''[lands]'' I-I I'm home. ''[suddenly spots a carnival in Pastryville celebrating her supposed death]'' What the ''[bleep]''?
:'''Pastryville Citizen 1''': Toss Bitch Pudding in the volcano and win a prize!
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Volcano-fried Bitch Pudding on a stick!
:'''Buttermilk Biscuits''': I hate you, Bitch Puddin'!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[turns around to see a mural of her being dropped into the volcano by the mail-delivery bird]'' They were all in on it! The whole town tried to kill me?!
:''[Cut to the church, where the Pastryville citizens sing a hymn]''
:'''Pastryville Citizens''': ''[singing]'' ♪She made our lives a living hell♪
:♪So nasty and so mean♪
:♪And when Bitch Pudding hit the lava♪
:♪You should have heard her scream♪
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': The first annual &quot;Bitch Pudding Is Dead&quot; Festival has been a rousing success! For generations to come, we will- ''[sniffs]'' Hey, guys, do you smell smoke?
:''[Everyone finds that the church is on fire, they all scream]''
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Oh, ''[bleep]''! The door won't open! ''[a Pastryville citizen runs by on fire, screaming. The others attempt to break the church door down]'' All together, now.
:'''Everyone''': One! Two! Three! Oh! Oh!
:''[Upon bursting out, they find Bitch Pudding, alive and well, and holding a minigun in front of them]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blam. ''[as revenge, she guns down every last citizen. A bloodied, mortally wounded Raspberry Parfait grabs onto Bitch Pudding with her last dying ounces of strength]'' Remember when I said I'd shoot you last?
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': I have absolutely no memory of that.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Must have been a fantasy I had when I was masturbating!
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': ''[Bleep]'' you, Bitch Pudding... ''[falls over and dies; Bitch Pudding surveys the dead bodies as heavy metal music plays]''
:''[One day later, Bitch Pudding is seen leaving Pastryville]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': So that's my story. I probably should have done a voiceover through the whole thing, but I didn't feel like it. Now, the only question is what does the future hold?
:''[A car arrives, driven by Nick Fury of the Avengers]''
:'''Nick Fury''': Bitch Pudding. You have become a part of a larger Universe.
:''[Credits; when it ends, Bitch Pudding is seen having stolen Nick Fury's car, driving away]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Da-da-da-da! Blam!
:'''Nick Fury''': What a bitch.

===Batman Forever 21 [7.17]===
:''[Nana is sitting alone, tied to her doghouse at the doorstep of the Darling house]''
:'''Peter Pan''': Off to Neverland!
:'''Michael''': Come on, Nana. ''[grabs Tinker Bell and sprinkles pixie dust all over Nana]''
:''[Nana starts to rise, but gets tangled in the rope and dies]''
:'''Peter Pan and the Children''': ''[in the distance]'' YAAAY!

===The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's [7.18]===
:'''Bionic-1''': Family, after nearly killing you on a ski trip to the Himalayas, I saved our lives by giving each of you bionic implants. Let's use these cool, new powers as...the Bionic Six!
:''[The children cheer]''
:'''Mother-1''': Uh, hun, maybe we should be thankful we're alive and not...
:'''Announcer&quot;: BIONIC SIX!
:'''IQ''': Open wide!
:'''Rock-1''': You just got eighty-Bionic-Sixed!
:'''Sports-1''': ''[bat cracking]'' Dad, turns out hitting homers isn't a superpower-AAH! ''[gets riddled with bullets]''
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC FIVE!
:'''Mother-1''': Eric?!
:'''Bionic-1''': Uh, his codename is Sports-1.
:'''Mother-1''': He was our son, and now he's dead! You asshole! We're getting a divorce.
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC FOUR!
:'''Karate-1''': WAA- ''[also gets riddled with bullets]''
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC THREE!
:'''IQ''': You killed my brother! ''[crushes Rock-1]''
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC TWO!
:'''IQ''': ''[crying]'' We never had any training... ''[crushes himself]''
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC ONE!
:'''BIONIC-1''': Only now do I see that bionics solve nothing...GUH! ''[gets riddled with bullets]''
:'''Announcer''': I AM OUT OF WORK!

===Chipotle Miserables [7.19]===
===The Robot Chicken Lots of Holidays But Don't Worry Christmas is Still In There Too so Pull the Stick Out of Your Ass Fox News Special [7.20]===</text>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-27T02:50:14Z</timestamp>
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      <text bytes="57251" xml:space="preserve">===G.I. Jogurt [7.01]===
:''[At the Emmy Awards, a G.I. Joe PSA of Roadblock talking to two children is shown on the big screen]''
:'''Roadblock''': I don't know why a 7-year-old would need to deep fry a turkey, but know you know how.
:'''Children''': And knowing is half the battle.
:''[The PSA ends with the &quot;G.I. Joe&quot; jingle]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Be a Turkey on Thanksgiving&quot;.
:''[The G.I. Joes clap, and Duke kisses Scarlett before he heads up with Roadblock to collect their award, while COBRA Commander and Destro watch on from the cheap seats]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': Look at them, Destro. The Joes churn out pedestrian advice to dead-eyed children, and the public eats it up! ''[mocking the Joes]'' &quot;Hey, kids, don't play with fallen electrical lines.&quot; ''[normal voice]'' Reads like a dispatch from the no-shit clinic.
:'''Destro''': I'll get the nerve gas.
:'''COBRA Commander''': No, you fool. We'll beat them at their own game. ''[clenching his fist]'' We'll create our own PSAs!
:''[Cut to COBRA Commander, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, and the Crimson Twins in the briefing room at COBRA Headquarters]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': OK, OK, let's just throw some ideas out there. This is a safe creative place. Dr. Mindbender, go.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Well, I thought our PSA could communicate an idea non-verbally. I've discovered that painting directly on celluloid creates a sort of &quot;tone poem&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Holy ''[bleep]'', that's sounds terrible. I'm sorry, safe place, but holy shit, that was fucking dumb. Next!
:'''Baroness''': ''[enters the room]'' Oh, I forgot you guys were in here writing. I was just looking for a hammer to hang my degree in screenwriting from Aberdeen. Anything I can do for you while I'm in here? ''[looks at him]'' Destro?
:'''Destro''': She's actually really funny, you guys.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Hey, you lost me at &quot;She's&quot;. ''[Bleep'' it! We're doing it without a script.
:''[Cut to the set of COBRA's PSAs, as Destro supervises, Storm Shadow is having his makeup done by one COBRA soldier, and two more soldiers move a camera. Dr. Mindbender enters the set with a group of children]''
:'''Destro''': Dr. Mindbender, you found four young children for our PSAs.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Uh, yes. ''[puts his arms around the children]'' That is what these kidnapped children are for.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[talking to Storm Shadow, who is reading his lines]'' OK, Storm Shadow, these two children will be running with scissors. Now, this upsets you, and you...
:'''Storm Shadow''': Why?
:'''COBRA Commander''': It's dangerous to run with scissors.
:'''Storm Shadow''': I run with Katana. Is that not dangerous?
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow, I hadn't thought of that. Excellent point, Storm Shadow. ''[whispers to Tomax]'' Get this piece of ''[bleep]'' off my set!
:''[One of the children runs past, giggling while running with scissors, but ends up getting killed by Storm Shadow]''
:'''Storm Shadow''': Well, COBRA Commander, it looks like I owe you an apology.
:''[First COBRA PSA: Serpentor telling children about using supplies only at the post office]''
:'''Serpentor''': So, remember, only take supplies if you'll use them for post office business. Any other use is a felony.
:'''Boy''': Now I'm aware.
:'''Serpentor''': ''[putting his arms around the children and smiling]'' And awareness is the second 50% of the conflict in question. ''[beat]'' Somebody say ''[bleep]''ing &quot;Cut&quot;!
:''[Second COBRA PSA: COBRA Commander tells children about the joys of reading]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': And I think you'll find it's not hard to read when you take the time to sssssssssound it out. ''[both children giggle]'' Oh, yesss, I've got a sssmall ssspeech impediment. ''[both children laugh; irritated]'' It'sss not funny! ''[removes his mask, as the children scream and run away, only for the Commander to shoot them dead]'' Shut. It. Down.
:''[At the next Emmy Awards...]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Star in a COBRA PSA&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[shaking his fist]'' What?!
:'''Destro''': ''[shouting over to the troops]'' Pump the nerve gas!

===Link's Sausages [7.02]===
:''[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are standing in the street]''
:'''Tommy Pickles''': ''[holding his Reptar doll]'' Well, after crossing the freeway, base jumping off a cliff, and dodging bullets in a gang war, we finally found my Reptar doll.
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enters the street, finding the babies]'' Tommy! What are you doing in the street?!
:''[Cut to the Pickles' house]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, thank God! They've been lost for hours! Where were they?
:'''Didi Pickles''': Stu, a word?  ''[they walk into the kitchen, their voices get muffled as they talk with the door shut]'' What the ''[bleep]'', Stu?!
:'''Stu Pickles''': Well, I'm sorry. The babies escaped, and I-
:'''Didi Pickles''': Escaped?! They're babies, you sackless moron!
:'''Stu Pickles''': I was downstairs, working on a new toy, and they just-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, a new toy! Never mind, then!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[tearing up]'' Didi, if you keep ridiculing my work, I-I swear to God-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enraged]'' What?! You'll hit me?! Ooh, you're such a man!
:''[Thudding and crashing are heard as Didi violently beats Stu offscreen]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': Didi, stop!
:'''Didi Pickles''': I'll be the man! See, Stu?! I'm the man!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[sobbing]'' I want a divorce!
:''[The babies look devastated as the screen cut to static]''

===Secret of the Booze [7.03]===
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf shaving his beard in his house]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': I don't usually get involved in day-to-day operations, so I'm smurfing undercover. They'll never smurf it's me. ''[chuckles; takes off his pants]'' Ohh, I haven't smurfed these things off in nearly 300 years! Talk about crotch rot!
:''[Title Card: Undercover Smurf Boss]''
:'''Farmer Smurf''': So, you're my new intern, huh?
:'''Papa Smurf''': That's right, Farmer Smurf. Teach me to care about your sad, little life...I mean your noble and fulfilling, uh, career choice.
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Well, Smurfs are a thirsty bunch, so we got to smurf them fresh milk every day!
:''[A giant caterpillar slithers in and turns onto its side, revealing its udders]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[being filmed]'' We've been drinking CATERPILLAR MILK?! ''[milks the giant caterpillar, his hands getting sore]'' Oh, this is agony. It feels like my hands are gonna smurf off!
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Yep, my carpal tunnel got so bad, they had to fuse my wrist bones in place!
:'''Papa Smurf''': But our healthcare is smurfy, right?
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Eh, my deductible is 2,000 smurfberries.
:'''Papa Smurf''': WHAT?! ''[cash register dings]''
:''[Title Card: 1 Smurfberry = 1.78 USD]''
:''[Scene cuts to the Smurf Hospital. Doctor Smurf packs his medical bag]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': Doctor Smurf, why are deductibles so high?
:'''Doctor Smurf''': Boy, you smurf a lot of uppity questions for an intern. Uh, just treat the next patient while I go for a Jamba Juice run in my gold-plated helicopter.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Actually, I'm not really qualified.
:''[Outside the window, Doctor Smurf takes off in his gold-plated helicopter. Door opens, Smurfette and Handy Smurf enter the room]''
:'''Smurfette''': We need Doctor Smurf! Handy had an accident!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Did someone get a sliver? ''[Handy shows his bleeding hand, missing all of his fingers]'' OH MY SMURFING GOD!!!
:'''Handy Smurf''': I sawed right through a load-bearing mushroom! Half our building materials are fungus! Oh, trade school didn't prepare me for this!
:'''Smurfette''': You can smurf his fingers, right, nurse?
:'''Papa Smurf''': I'll certainly try. ''[being filmed]'' I certainly tried.
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf sewing Handy's fingers while Handy lies dead on the table]''
:'''Smurfette''': ''[crying]'' You can probably stop sewing.
:'''Papa Smurf''': No, no, no. I-I'm gonna get this. ''[walks up to Grouchy Smurf]'' So, Grouchy Smurf, how's the coffee today?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate coffee!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh! Okay. But how do you like working here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate working here.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh, goodness. Okay. Well, is there anything that maybe Papa Smurf could do?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate Papa Smurf!
:'''Papa Smurf''': All right, what exactly do you do around here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I-I hate stuff?
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[puts on his red hat]'' I'm being deadly serious.
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I...I... ''[cuts to him, shoveling dog poop outside]'' I hate shoveling dog ''[bleep]''.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Well, now that's actually an appropriate reaction. Carry on, dog-''[bleep]'' Smurf! ''[leaves]''
:''[More dog poop falls from above, next to Grouchy]''

===Rebel Appliance [7.04]===
:'''Lion-O''': My fellow Thundercats! When danger is near, I shall hold the Sword of Omens aloft and yell out a battle cry
:'''Cheetara''': What shall our battle cry be, Lion-O?
:'''Lion-O''': &quot;Thunder, thunder, thunder, thundercats, I need you because evil is near, and we are friends, and we are a team. So we must come together and fight because the Eye of Thundera is in the sky, and it is summoning everyone together. So please come here Panthro and Tygra and Panthro and also Cheetara and also Wilykit and Wilicat and also Snarf. I think I said Panthro twice. I won't do that every time. Yes, we are the Thundercats. This is our battle cry. I love you guys. You are my best friends, and I am Lion-O and I am a Thundercat, and you guys are Thundercats too. Mumm Ra is not a Thundercat, he's bad and we're gonna win against him, because we are the Thundercats, and the Thundercats are here for you today because we are the Thundercats yeah, I'm Lion-O&quot;. I hope you write that down.
:'''Snarf''': I liked it. ''[Wilykat slaps him]'' OW!

===Legion of Super-Gyros [7.05]===
:''[With Grover and Oscar the Grouch]''
:'''Grover''': Oh boy, it sure is a great day here on Sesame Street!
:'''Oscar''': Yeah, especially since we're the last neighborhood in New York that hasn't been gentrified.
:'''Grover''': Until today, because our special guest is Hannah Horvath from the marginally popular but ignored in the flyover states HBO series, Girls!
:'''Hannah''': Hey, do you know where I could find a cocaine dealer/organic Vietnamese taco truck around here?
:'''Oscar''': ''[Bleep]'' me! ''[gets back inside his trash can]''
:'''Hannah''': ''[feels Grover]'' Ooh, you're so cute! ''[later that night]'' I really love how you don't play games, Grover.
:'''Grover''': Oh but I play lots of games, patty cake, and marco polo...Ugh!
:'''Hannah''': ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jacking off]'' Insult my parents! Oh yeah!
:'''Grover''': Woah! ''[scene cuts to him and Hannah learning about numbers with apples]'' Today, we are going to learn about the number 3, I have 3 apples!
:'''Hannah''': And I know 3 girls who were date raped at the same bar on 6th street.
:'''Grover''': That is sad. ''[Hannah eats the apple]'' Uh...you're eating my props.
:'''Hannah''': I'm proud of my body.
:'''Grover''': I know, I know.
:'''Hannah''': Ugh! Yeah! ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jerking off again]''
:'''Grover''': Oh, God!

===El Skeletorio [7.06]===
:'''Crypt Keeper''': Oh, hello! I was just enjoying the latest best &quot;heller&quot;! ''[laughs evilly, but then rips off book cover]'' This is actually Dan Brown's &quot;Inferno.&quot; It's a piece of shit. Our next tale is something of an &quot;alle-gory&quot;! You might say it's a &quot;meta-gore&quot;! Let's just roll it.
:''[Cuts to the outside of Bitch Pudding's house, where the title of the sketch appears. We cut to inside the hpuse, where Bitch Pudding is sleeping]''
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out. Get out of the house. Get out of the hou-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Why don't you get your tongue out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole so I can jam your mama's ''[bleep]'' up there, you ''[bleep]''-gargling pile of monkey spunk? Nothing to say now, huh?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': There's just a lot to unpack there.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Well, wake me up when you figure it out, ''[bleep]'' stick. ''[goes back to sleep]''
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding goes to her fridge when she sees the chairs and flower pot of her table are now completely deformed]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed, she flips them over and destroys them]'' BLAM! Where's your ''[bleep]''-ass art project now, ''[bleep]'' nut?
:'''Ghostly voice''': It wasn't supposed to be art, it was supposed to scare you! God! Forget it! I'm leaving! ''[cuts to Strawberry Shortcake's house, where she is sleeping]'' Strawberry Shortcake!
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': ''[wakes up]'' Huh? What?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out of the house!
:''[A red substance begins to ooze out of the walls, causing Strawberry Shortcake to scream in fear]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[breaks in through the window]'' Hey, ''[bleep]''ing clown, if you're ragging so bad, why don't you take your mama's tampon out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole and lick it clean before you shove it up your ''[bleep]''?!
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Hey, stop talking about my dad's ''[bleep]''hole! I'll-I'll leave town, okay? Oh, FYI, that isn't blood, that is strawberry jam, m'lady. The insulation is leaking. All I did was turn the painting upside down. Live with it.
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': Do you think he was right about the insulation? That could be berry expensive.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hmm, let's see. That depends on whether I give a ''[bleep]'', ''[bleep]'' tits! ''[make a fanfare noise]'' Bitch Pudding! BLAM! ''[jumps out the window]''
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': I should really move.

===Snarfer Image [7.07]===
:''[Ticking, cuts to Elmer Fudd in a field]''
:'''Elmer Fudd:'' ''[narrating]'' Time travel has not been invented yet, ''[cocks his gun]'' but in 30 years, it will be. ''[gunshot]'' In the future, TV networks don't awwow cartoons to have guns, so if they want to kill someone, they send them back here to me. My name is Elmer Fudd, and I'm a Wooper. ''[Title Card: Wooper]'' The only wule is never let your target escape, even if your target is you.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': ''[appears in the field]'' What are you waiting for? Shoot me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': What?!
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': In the future, they don't let me have a gun! That was my one dimension as a character! Know what I did yesterday? I slept for 15 hours and then beat it to a Weader's Digest! Help me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': I can't.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': Come on, give it to me. ''[crying]'' Pleeeease. ''[gunshot]''
:'''Yosemite Sam''': ''[appears in the field]'' I'll have what he's having. ''[gunshot]''
:''[Cuts to Porky Pig on the Looney Tunes circles. The words &quot;That's all, folks!&quot; appear in front]''
:'''Porky Pig''': Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-...That's all, folks! ''[gunshot]''

===Up, Up, and Buffet [7.08]===
:'''Fiona''': The spell has broken! This was my true form all along! I can't wait to marry you, Shrek!
:'''Shrek''': Marry you?
:'''Fiona''': Well, yeah! Since we look the same now, we'll live happily ever after!
:'''Shrek''': Fiona, every morning, I look at myself in the mirror, and I wish my mother had the courage to throw me in the river when I was born. Then I make my way to the putrid swamps, the only place on God's green Earth a monster like me feels at home. Sometimes, children gather to scream at me. &quot;Monster!  Animal!&quot;, they yell. Then someone screams, &quot;Kill yourself!&quot; and it takes a few seconds to realize the voice is coming from my own mouth! By then, I've made my way to the old hanging tree. Before I have time to think about it, I'm wrapping a vine around my own neck. It goes &quot;tot&quot; and I pray to the gods that this time, the vine will hold! But alas, everyday, I wake up in my own filth and I lie there and I cry. I cry because I'll live to see my face again! So nay, marrying a lass with a face as hideous as my own is not on my to-do list!
:'''Fiona''':''[with her mouth full]'' Have you tried these mini cheeseburgers? They're great! ''[sees Shrek hanging from a noose, and to Shrek's disappointment, the noose snaps]''

===Panthropologie [7.09]===
:''[Caption: LEGO City, 2014]''
:'''Wife''': Honey, look out! Cliche!
:'''Gerry''': Huh? ''[all screaming]'' What's happening?!
:'''Cop''': Kre-O! They're everywh- Aah! ''[gets torn apart by the Kre-O's]''
:'''Wife''': There's something wrong with them. They look like us but different!
:'''General''': ''[lands in the helicopter]'' This way! Hurry! Your life has more value than other people! ''[the Lanes get onto the helicopter]'' Gerry, we need your expertise!
:'''Gerry''': My expertise? I'm not a soldier!
:'''General''': Gerry, we need a lawyer.
:''[Title Card: WORLD WAR B (as in blocks)]''
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': Put simply, Gerry, we're being invaded by imitation blocks.
:'''Assistant''': Off-brand products with a taste for LEGO blood!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': They're nearly identical but different. Wrong. Like when you sit on your hand until it goes to sleep. You try to pretend Flo from the Progressive commercials is giving you an HJ, but you know it's not Flo. You know that! She'd never be so clumsy, so artless.
:'''General''': That's impossible! We're trademarked!
:'''Gerry''': No, general. LEGO bricks aren't protected by trademark. They're protected by patent.
:'''General''': Hell, man, what's the difference?
:'''Gerry''': The difference is...patents expire! Cool! Someone turned that legal document into a GIF. That's fun.
:'''General''': Isn't it &quot;jiff&quot;? Anyway, how do we stop it?
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': There's nothing we can do. ''[whispering]'' Don't worry, Flo. I'll protect you.
:'''Assistant''': Don't worry, girl from the Wendy's commercials.
:'''General''': Don't worry, GEICO gecko.
:''[Cut to the map]''
:'''Gerry''': ''[narrating]'' They covered the whole globe in no time: Mega Bloks, Kre-O, Best-Lock, CoCo, BanBao, Rokenbok, Super Blocks, and Leggo with two g's, which was especially insulting.
:''[Caption: Lego Headquarters, Denmark]''
:''[Zombies groaning]''
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' LEGO my baby, LEGO my honey, LEGO my ragtime gal...
:'''Son''': Daddy, are we safe?
:'''Gerry''': Of course we are, son. People are singing, aren't they? Ugh. That is the lowest form of music.
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' ...Honey, you'll lose me, then you'll be left alone...
:''[Zombies groaning loudly]''
:'''Gerry''': The terrible singing! They're attracted to the terrible singing! ''[the zombies start climbing over the walls. Gerry knocks out the quartet. Soldiers start shooting]'' Ohh! - Ow! Fire! Fire! They're too fast!-Ohh!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': ''[runs in with the syringe]'' Gerry, I've found a way to camouflage ourselves!
:'''Gerry''': That beats my solution. ''[acts out shooting zombies, and then acts out shooting himself]'' Pew pew! Pew pew! Pew!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': LEGOs are machined to a tolerance of 10 micrometers! That's why we're so expensive! But this serum will make us look cheaper and sloppier! ''[injects himself]'' Aah! ''[turns into a Playmobil figure]'' We look like them now!
:'''Gerry''': I'd rather die.
:'''Son''': ''[notices something]'' What?! They have Transformers?
:'''Gerry''': No, son! No!
:'''Son''': Aah! ''[Bumblebee rips him in half]''
:'''Gerry''': Nooooooo!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': You probably don't even want to go on living now.
:'''Gerry''': Huh? Oh, that was just a kid from my wife's first marriage. But that looked really painful. Hit me with the juice! ''[gets injected]'' Ugh! ''[the serum transforms him into...]'' No! You turned me into a ''[bleep]''ing DUPLO! It's the same company as LEGO, you fool! Aah! Aah! ''[Mrs. Lane and the Doctor run away whilst DUPLO Gerry gets his head ripped off]'' Guys, is this ending working? Let's re-shoot it.
:''[Zombies murmuring]''

===Catdog on a Stick [7.10]===
:'''Executive''': You sure you wanna do a movie, Tiger?
:'''Tiger''': I want to be beloved again, like before I had sex with all those waitresses from IHOP. Jordan did Space Jam. I want my Space Jam.
:'''Executive''': Well, studios aren't lining up to lend their characters to a Tiger Woods movie. Everyone aggressively passed except DiC, but I cannot recommend that.
:''[Cut to the title card for the Golf Jam movie]''
:'''Singers''': Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to Tiger on the golf course]''
:'''Tiger''': Time for a day of playing golf and being faithful to my girlfriend. ''[falls down a large hole]'' What? Whoooooooa!! ''[lands in DiC Land, surrounded by Heathcliff and other DiC characters]'' Ow!
:'''Heathcliff''': Welcome to DiC Land, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[getting up from his fall and waving hello]'' Why, hi, Garfield.
:'''Heathcliff''': I'm Heathcliff. I'm more romantic and have an accent. This is Cleo.
:'''Cleo''': We need your help, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to put my penis in you... ''[snaps back to attention, and looks at the camera]'' I mean, I love my girlfriend.
:'''Cleo''': We brought you here because the evil Dork Punks challenged us to a game of golf.
:'''Tiger''': ''[once again enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to hump your face... ''[flustered]'' I mean, help your face- ''[snaps out of it again]'' Help you, I will help you!
:''[The Dork Punks walk into the shot, as Tiger turns to look at them]''
:'''Dork Punk''': Let's tee off, DiC-heads!
:''[Tiger and Heathcliff look at each other and nod, and we cut to a golf-playing montage. Tiger (now wearing a cap with the DiC logo on it) hits a beautful shot as Heathcliff, Cleo, and a couple of other toons watch. LongArm uses his gauntlet to sink a putt, as Tiger chats up Princess Lana and receives a slap to the face from her. As Cleo prepares to sink her putt, Tiger walks up from behind and starts pretending to hump her. Ja-Kal prepares to take a shot as Armon looks on, but a piece of Armon's gauze is caught on Ja-Kal's club. As Ja-Kal swings, he and Armon both get tied up in Armon's gauze. Tiger is seen in one of the bunkers with Nefer-Tina sitting on top of him, as she unwraps the gauze from her upper body much to Tiger's delight. The montage ends as Tiger is getting ready to sink his final putt, with Cleo and Hammerman watching on]''
:'''Hammerman''': If you sink this putt, we win!
:'''Tiger''': Wish me luck, Bobby Brown.
:'''Hammerman''': Bobby Brown? I'm Hammerman! I'm M.C. Hammer, except not, and I have magic shoes. ''[shows off his magic dancing shoes]''
:'''Tiger''': ''[looks at Cleo]'' You know, I don't even know if I want to save you DiC's. You're just uninspired rehashes of good ideas. Seriously, how cheap is DiC? This is a movie, and you all look like you were drawn on a napkin.
:'''Cleo''': Win the game and I'll blow you.
:''[Upon hearing this, Tiger immediately sinks the putt and wins the game. As the DiC toons celebrate, Tiger unzips his pants and takes a terrified Cleo by the hand into the Pancake House for his well-earned blowjob]''
:'''Hammerman''': ''[rapping]'' Everybody tee off, get a club in your hands, charisma-free sex addict saving DiC Land! Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to black with the bold white text &quot;Golf Jam was rented once from Redbox. The copy was returned on time.&quot;]''

===Super Guitaro Center [7.11]===
:'''Shredder''': The &quot;Channel 6 News Masquerade Ball&quot; is the opportunity for me to kidnap April O'Neil. She's the perfect bait to catch the turtles. ''[surprised to see April's costume]'' Wow! Out of that bulky lesbian jumpsuit, she's hot as ''[bleep]''!
:'''April''': Care to dance, Mr. Potter?
:'''Shredder''': WHAT?! ''[cuts to Shredder dancing with April]'' And, what's your costume?
:'''April''': Belle from &quot;Beauty and The Beast&quot;, but a dick-slut.
:'''Shredder''': Is your favorite restaurant, Taco &quot;Belle&quot;?
:''[Both laugh]''
:'''April''': You are hilarious.
:'''Shredder''': On the count of 3, say your favorite band. 1, 2, 3!
:'''Shredder and April''': Toad the Wet Sprocket! ''[pause, they both kiss]''
:'''April''': ''[feels the blade, and gasped]'' Wait. Are you-
:'''Shredder''': In love? Yes. WHAT?! Bye! ''[leaves]''
:'''April''': ''[realizing]'' Shredder?
:''[Cut to Shredder with April outside her apartment after the party]''
:'''Shredder''': Think of something poetic, Oroku. ''[to April]'' But soft, you are total boner food!
:'''April''': Oh, Shredder. My heart doesn't take sides.
:'''Shredder''': People won't approve.
:'''April''': No one can keep us apart.
:''[They both kiss again. Then cuts to the sewer]''
:'''Raphael''': Aww, Hell to the No! ''[punches a brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''April''': We're soul mates! We both love Toad the Wet Sprocket.
:'''Michelangelo''': Toad the-What?! Is that a sex thing?! Have you guys had sex?!
:'''April''': No. Just dry humping, and ball play.
:'''Raphael''': Ball play?! ''[punches the same brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''Splinter''': You must stay away from Shredder, April. He is dangerous. Sleep here tonight. Donatello, grab the guest pillows.
:''[Donatello grabs pizza boxes which are the guest pillows, and puts them on the couch. Later while everyone's asleep, Shredder comes up from behind the couch to see April]''
:'''April''': ''[gasps]'' What are you doing here?
:'''Shredder''': I came to say &quot;Hi&quot;, ''[lays down next to her]'' and also have sex after the whole &quot;Hi&quot; thing.
:'''April''': It's like Six Flags Hurricane Harbor in my panties right now. ''[they both kiss again. Later, we see her and Shredder outside the manhole]'' Mmm, Mmm. You really Toadied my Wet Sprocket. When will I see you again?
:'''Shredder''': Soon, I hope. I should go before the turtles wake up. Plus, I have some major ExtenZe farts coming on. ''[farts]''
:''[Next morning while April was having her breakfast]''
:'''Donatello''': April, just go on one date with Casey. He's a good guy.
:'''April''': Casey is a jobless loser in sweats! ''[walks away]''
:'''Casey''': Good start to my morning.
:'''[Cut to April with the Rat King]''
:'''April''': So, I left. What should I do, Mr. Rat King? I belong with Shredder.
:'''Rat King''': I have an idea! And my idea involves you taking a lot of poison very quickly.
:'''April''': ''[pause, interested]'' Go on?
:''[Cut to April playing dead]''
:'''Shredder''': ''[shocked]'' It can't be! April?! NO!!!! WHY?!?! ''[accidentally hits April with his spikes]''
:'''April''': ''[wakes up in pain]'' Ow! Ow! Ow! What the ''[bleep]''?! Shredder!
:'''Shredder''': April! You're alive!
:'''April''': The poison only made me appear dead. Didn't you read &quot;Romeo and Juliet&quot;, you ''[bleep]''ing ass clown? ''[gags and dies]''
:'''Shredder''': NOOOOOOO!!!!!! ''[a few seconds of silence]'' Just gonna take my Toad the Wet Sprocket bootleg back. ''[takes his CD back, and leaves]''

===Noidstrom Rack [7.12]===
:'''Picard''': ''[dozing in the captain's chair on the bridge of the Enterprise]'' What's that Beverly? You want Wesley to watch? Hmm, make it so! ''[jerks awake]'' Oh, 2300 hours, time for the night crew to relieve us! ''[moves to leave the bridge, as Captain Jake enters]'' Captain.
:'''Captain Jake''': Capitan! ''[the Enterprise bridge crew file out, as their night crew replacements enter]'' Night crew, maintain course. ''[cut to the Enterprise moving through space]'' Space, the final frontier! These are the 11pm to 7am voyages of the Enterprise's night crew. Its continuing mission...is to PAR-TAY! ''[starts drinking from a beer can as the night crew cheer]''
:'''Night Crew''': Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! [A Borg cube appears on the view screen]
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Captain Jake, a Borg cube is hailing us.
:'''Captain Jake''': They probably want us to turn down our jams...Fat chance!
:'''Borg Drone''': Lower your shields, your culture will adapt to service us.
:'''Captain Jake''': You want us to service you?
:'''Borg Drone''': Affirmative. You will service the Borg, all night if needed! ''[Commander LaFreak sniggers. The Borg Drone looks unamused]'' Wait! Our hive mind has assimilated double entendres- real mature, guys! Prepare for assimilation! ''[the Borg cube begins to shoot at the Enterprise with its lasers]''
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Our shields won't last long, sir! Should we wake up the bald guy?
:'''Captain Jake''': ''[opens another can of beer]'' No way, Commander LaFreak! We'll beat the Borg like we beat that frat on Gallos 7!
:'''Commander LaFreak''': We'll sell naked photos of their girlfriends at a pie-eating contest?
:'''Captain Jake''': What?! No! Like any frat, the Borg share a hive mind, man. If we get one Borg to party, all Borg will party! Night crew, prepare to rock out with our Spocks out! ''[the night crew beam across to the Borg cube]'' Anybody order a partygram? ''[the night crew start playing music and drinking with the Borg drones in the cube. He pulls out a bottle of champagne to a female Borg drone]'' Wet t-shirt contest! ''[opens the champagne bottle on the female drone, who doesn't react even when he douses her chest]'' Oh right, no shirt...you want mine? ''[removes his Captain's jumper, just as the Borg drone he talked to advances on him]'' Whoa, chill out, dude! Wait, is she your daughter?
:'''Borg Drone''': Enough! Partying is futile! ''[jabs Captain Jake with its injection tubes, only to recoil. Captain Jake grins]'' Your blood, so full of beer! Your party, so hearty! ''[grabs a cup of beer from a Klingon night crew member and chugs it]'' Woo-hoooo! ''[the rest of the Borg join the drone and the night crew in partying]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Now this, I can assimilate! ''[he and the drone hug]''
:''[Cut to the Borg cube drawing a giant cock on a planet with its lasers. Cut to an awards ceremony on the bridge of the Enterprise]''
:'''Starfleet Admiral''': Captain Jake, Starfleet thanks you for defeating the Borg. ''[hangs a medal around Captain Jake's neck]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Bitchin'!
:'''Picard''': ''[fuming]'' NIGHT CREEEEEEWWWWW! ''[everyone looks round nervously, until he grins]'' Beer me! ''[the night crew cheer and Jake tosses Picard a can]'' You glorious sons of bitches!

===Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13]===
:''[The Disney Princess Castle is shown]''
:'''Snow White''': ''[from inside]'' Welcome to the Princess Summit, ''[cut to inside]'' where we address the complex political issues facing our kingdoms.
:'''Rapunzel''': Hairstyles.
:'''Cinderella''': Talking pets.
:'''Tiana''': Hairstyles for our talking pets.
:'''Ariel''': Crabs. ''[everyone looks at her in disgust]'' I've got crabs.
:'''Snow White''': Well, isn't that just, um...and where is our newest princess?
:'''Merida''': ''[enters, carrying a dead boar dripping with blood]'' Ach! Sorry I'm late. I killed a boar on the way here.
:'''Aurora''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, you're so feminist and empowered. Great.
:'''Merida''': ''[laying boar on the table and gutting it]'' 'Ey, wee beastie! Have we got to grievances yet? A bunch of wee dwarves are illegally mining me territory.
:'''Snow White''': Oh, Merida, you have far bigger problems. Let me tell you about them.
:'''Merida''': Not a damn song.
:'''Snow White''': ''[singing]'' Here's a list of things to drop;
:Your accent, bow, that tangled mop.
:Fifteen pounds from off your hips
:Those ginger afros 'neath your pits
:And no prince will want to mingle
:With a girl with no hit single.
:''[Cinderella, Aurora, and Ariel hold up gold records]''
:'''Cinderella''': ''[spoken]'' And your pet's hair is a disaster.
:'''Merida''': That's me mother! She's a bear! The trailer was very misleading! ''[holds the knife to Snow White's neck''] I came here looking for justice; instead, I found treachery. Prepare yourself for war. ''[Leaves]''
:'''Mulan''': ''[following Merida]'' Someone finally said it! See you on the killing field, round-eyes. ''[leaves]''
:'''Belle''': Amen, sister. ''[leaves]''
:'''Tiana''': Stuck-up bitches!
:''[Rapunzel follows. The remaining princesses look on. We transition to the next scene where Snow White is preparing her army for war against Merida's army]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, that Merida! I'll show her. ''[out the window]'' Send in my war counsel. ''[a cute Disney-esque bird flies up to the windowsill]'' What shall I do, little one?
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Core that bitch like an apple.
:'''Snow White''': Oh my.
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Weave a tapestry of their intestines.
:'''Snow White''': Okay, okay, I get it, I get it. We need weapons.
:'''Cinderella''': I've got a guy.
:''[The Fairy Godmother appears]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, good idea. We'll fight them with magic.
:'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[laying bag of assault weapons on table]'' Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo, that's twenty grand.
:'''Princesses''': Ooh, wow!
:'''Ariel''': Do you need thingamabobs? I've got thingamabobs.
:'''Jasmine''': Nobody cares about the dildo collection you dredged up from the Atlantic, you fishy bitch. ''[Ariel runs away crying]'' Anyone else have cold tits?
:''[We cut to Merida's training grounds]''
:'''Merida''': All right, ladies. Show me what you've got.
:'''Rapunzel''': ''[whips the practice dummy with her hair, dismembering it, then strangling it]'' I finally found the perfect conditioner— ''[pops the dummy's head off]'' blood!
:'''Louis''': ''[shooting arrows and missed the target]'' Oh, curse these stubby arms.
:'''Merida''': You're an alligator. Be an alligator!
:''[Louis turns to Mushu, who is standing beside him]''
:'''Mushu''': Oh, wait! Don't...!
:'''Louis''': ''[eats Mushu]'' Oh! I'm so sorry!
:'''Mulan''': No, no, it was...it was a good kill.
:''[Cut to Snow White's army, ready for their coming battle]''
:'''Snow White''': Not all of us will live to wish upon a star tonight, but we give our lives for a greater good.
:'''Aurora''': ''[yawning]'' Oh dear, I think I'm getting sleepy. I might have to sit this one out, guys.
:'''Snow White''': Don't you pull that shit now!
:'''Aurora''': Just teasing.
:''[An arrow fired by an off-screen Merida strikes Aurora in the throat, killing her instantly]''
:'''Merida''': ''[with her army at the top of a hill]'' Bring me the scalp and/or weave of Snow White! Charge!
:''[The armies charge at each other]''
:'''Jasmine''': I will show you a world of death!
:''[They meet in the middle, where Ariel, now a mermaid, has brought an atomic bomb]''
:'''Ariel''': Look, everyone! I brought my thingamabob! My weapons-grade thingamabob!
:'''Cinderella''': Oh, you just don't know what words are. That's your thing.
:''[The bomb starts beeping, indicating its imminent detonation]''
:'''Princesses''': ''[realizing]'' Ahh! Run away! Run away! ''[running away from the bomb]''
:'''Sebastian''': ''[pops up from behind the bomb, singing]'' Bend over and grab your ankles!
:''[The bomb explodes, completely obscuring the scene with smoke and ash, until it dissipates, revealing that the explosion has eradicated almost everything, leaving nothing but a barren wasteland]''
:'''Merida''': ''[wounded, trudges by]'' Me mother's a bear.
:''[Tinkerbell arrives, then shoots her in the head with a gun, winks, and leaves]''

===Walking Dead Lobster [7.14]===
:''[We start on a gradient aquamarine-blue background, where the Gullah Gullah Island logo rolls in]''
:'''Announcer''': And now, back to Gullah Gullah Island!
:''[We cut to Ron and Natalie's house, where everyone plays Leapfrog with. Two policemen, one blonde and the other with brown hair, arriving at the front door]''
:'''Ron''': ''[jumps over Shaina and Binyah-Binyah]'' This sure is fun, Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': Binyah-Binyah! Have fun, too!
:''[The policemen knock on the door]''
:'''Ron''': I'll get it. ''[opens the door to show the policemen]''
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Hello, sir. We've investigated a tip. A criminal might be in the area; he's robbed a bank and shot three policemen.
:'''Ron''': Oh, no! Well, there's nobody here but me, my wife, our three children, and our man-sized pet polliwog.
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Yeah-no, no, no, that's a man in a frog suit.
:'''Natalie''': ''[incredulous]'' What?! No, he's just a giant polliwog we rescued.
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Where did you find him?
:'''Vanessa''': Oh, behind an amphibious animal costume shop!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': I'm gonna need him out of that frog suit by the count of three. ''[pulls out a pistol]'' One...
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': ''[raises both arms in the air as the Alstons stare in shock]'' Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Two...
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': ''[scared, waving arms]'' Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Three!
:'''Frogman''': ''[screams and strips out of costume, making the Alstons cover their eyes from seeing his nude lesion-covered body]'' No! Don't shoot!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': ''[still points pistol with other officer]'' Down on the ground, Frogman!
:'''Natalie''': ''[disgusted]'' What's on his skin?!
:'''Frogman''': Sores, you dumbass! From wearing that polliwog costume for four months straight! ''[is handcuffed by the blonde policeman and pulled out of the house]'' Binyah-Binyah! Binyah-Binyah!
:''[The brown-haired policeman clubs Frogman on the back of his head to knock him out, ending the sketch''

===Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15]===
:'''Peter Pan''': Fly with me, to Neverland! ''[flies out of the window with the Darling children]''
:'''Mary Darling''': ''[arrives with her husband too late]'' Children, no!
:''[Scene cuts to Neverland]''
:'''Peter Pan''': These are the Lost Boys. They're not vampires. ''[phone rings from inside a tree; curiously]'' We have a phone? ''[picks up the receiver]'' Hello?
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[on the phone]'' I don't know who you are. ''[cut to him with George and Mary]'' I don't know what you want. I don't know why you dress like...
:'''Mary Darling''': A gay Robin Hood.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Like a gay Robin Hood. I have a very particular set of skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. By which I guess I mean, flying gay Robin Hoods.
:''[Cut to Peter]''
:'''Peter Pan''': Good luck finding Neverland, grandpa. ''[hangs up and leaves]''
:''[Cut back to Bryan, George, and Mary]''
:'''George Darling''': Oh, what's he saying?
:'''Bryan Mills''': He's saying, &quot;Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...&quot;
:'''Mary Darling''': That's the dial tone.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Dial tone? ''[hangs up]'' Well, this is a very old phone. ''[to George and Mary]'' He's holding your children in what I presume is an underground sex club called Neverland.
:'''George Darling''': Oh thank goodness, you do security work for bankers like myself, Mr. Mills, but how will you reach the children? They were flying!
:'''Mary Darling''': I think I heard them say something about thinking happy thoughts.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Happy thoughts, eh? ''[imagining himself in the thought bubble, grabbing Peter Pan and throwing him on a step]''
:'''Peter Pan''': No! No! Please!
:''[Bryan crushes Peter's head destroying his face, the thought bubble vanishes]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': Whoo hoo, off I go! ''[flies through the roof]''
:''[Scene cuts to Neverland, Bryan kills the Lost Boys, except Slightly, who turns around and sees the other Lost Boys dead covered in blood]''
:'''Slightly''': ''[farts]'' I just pooped in my tail!
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[holding Slightly at knifepoint]'' Where are the children?!
:''[Slightly farts again before we cut to Wendy and the mermaids]''
:'''Wendy''': I've never meet real live mermaids before.
:'''Mermaid''': ''[laughs]'' That's so fun! Lets drown this bitch! ''[grabs Wendy by her arms]''
:'''Wendy''': No, please, no! ''[opens her eyes to see the mermaids dead]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[wearing the seashell bra]'' Wendy, where are your brothers?
:'''Wendy''': There! On the pirate ship!
:''[Cut to the Pirate ship where John and Michael are cornered by Captain Hook]''
:'''Captain Hook''': Time for these little chickadees to walk the plank! ''[laughs]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[near the dead pirates]'' Tick-tock, time's up! ''[kicks Captain Hook, who falls while screaming into the crocodile's mouth]'' I'm taking you home, children.
:'''Peter Pan''': ''[arrives with Tinkerbell]'' Not so fast, you old codfish! ''[Tinkerbell flies up to Bryan taunting him, Bryan uses his shoe to squash her]'' Tink! Oh, good luck getting home without her fairy dust, asshole!
:'''Bryan Mills''': Why would I want to leave when my happy thoughts are about to come true?
:'''Peter Pan''': Your what? ''[Bryan grabs him and throws him to a step]'' Oh! No! NO! ''[Bryan crashes his head with his foot before his shadow comes out]''
:'''Wendy''': Okay, but seriously man, how the ''[bleep]'' are we getting home?!
:'''Bryan Mills''': Hang on. ''[grabs Peter's shadow and throws it on the same step]''
:'''Peter's shadow''': No, no, wait! ''[screams as Bryan crushes its head in black blood with his foot]''

===Bitch Pudding Special [7.16]===
:''[Part 1 starts, as a funeral for Granny Graham Crackers is taking place at the Strawberryland Church; Raspberry Parfait is speaking at the podium]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Even on cloudy days, Pastryville always had a ray of sunshine. And her name was Granny Graham Crackers. Remember when she knit your favorite scarf, Black Cherry Pie?
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': ''[caressing her scarf fondly]'' I wear it everyday, Raspberry Parfait.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': And Fudge Turnover, remember when she fixed you leaky roof?
:'''Fudge Turnover''': She got heat-stroke and fell into the hedges.
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': ''[indignant]'' While you watched Tango and Cash on Netflix!
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Yes! While I watched Tango and Cash on Netflix.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': And Buttermilk Biscuits, I remember when Granny drove all the way to the big city to get-
:'''Buttermilk Biscuits''': ''[gesturing towards her neck]'' No. Nope. Mnh-mnh.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Your...tonsils out?
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Yeah, your unborn tonsils.
:''[Black Cherry Pie scowls at him]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': ''[clears her throat]'' Now then if there are no more speakers? ''[no one says a word, to her relief]'' Great! Then, in conclusion- ''[But Bitch Pudding opens the door just then. Everyone is shocked. Bitch Pudding walks up to the podium, lightly shoving her out of the way]'' W-We were just wrapping up here, Bitch Pudding.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[grabs the microphone and begin to speak in her calm southern accent]'' I remember Granny. ''[the audience is still dumbfounded]'' I remember her smile. ''[the audience looks relieved]'' I remember how much she loved baking sugar cookies. ''[wipes a tear from her eye]''
:'''All''': ''[react happily]'' Ahh!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': But most of all, I remember... ''[giving a angry rant]'' her rank-ass old-lady farts.
:''[Everyone gasps in shock]''
:''[Raspberry Parfait'': ''[facepalming]'' Oh, God.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': This bitch had no sense of smell, no sense of hearing, so all day long, she was like &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbhhhhhht!&quot;
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Okay. ''[chuckles]'' That's enough-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[pushes Raspberry Parfait and continues]'' And when you're a hundred years old, I guess panties are just an afterthought. I mean, raise your hand if you never saw Granny airing out the Ark of the Covenant! ''[while she’s talking, Raspberry Parfait does the hand signal to turn the camera off, but she then mouths &quot;What the?&quot; Everyone gasps and groans]'' I hope Granny is in heaven, but she had a gambling addiction, so Satan might be doing her up the butt. ''[Everyone gasps again]'' Knock twice if Satan's doing you up the butt, Granny. ''[in Granny's voice]'' I love it up the butt from Satan, everybody! ''[in Satan's voice]'' You rule, Granny! Ha ha! ''[begins humping the coffin; the others gasp and groan in shock once more]'' Now hit my ''[bleep]''ing theme song!
:''[Music plays in the style of “The Trooper” by Iron Maiden, as Bitch Pudding walks down the aisles where she steals an audience member's apple and takes a single bite before giving it to German Chocolate Cake and out of the church, where she closes the doors as the title for the special appears. Everyone starts murmuring]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Now, then-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[bursts into the church again, briefly]'' Da-da-da-da! Bitch Puddin'. Blam! ''[runs off; later that night, she is playing a shooter video game, where she is taking out several in-game enemies]'' Yeah! Suck it.
:''[Bitch Pudding's game avatar approaches a villager character]''
:'''Villager''': You have saved my village!
:''[Bitch Pudding's game avatar shoots the villager dead]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': You mean &quot;my&quot; village! ''[a rumble of thunder is heard as Bitch Pudding's house experiences a power outage and the TV screen dies]'' Aw!
:''[As more rumbles of thunder are heard, a mysterious hooded figure appears behind an unsuspecting Bitch Pudding, revealed by the illumination of lightning outside. The figure is seen first holding a knife, then an axe, then a pistol, and then finally a baseball bat, which the figure uses to club Bitch Pudding in the head-she grunts and falls unconscious]''
:''[To be continued...]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Part 2 starts]''
:''[A few hours later]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Augh. Where?
:'''The Mailbird''': Oh, sounds like my cargo just woke up!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hey! You're that damn bird that delivers our mail.
:'''The Mailbird''': You bet your feathers. But tonight, I'm gettin' paid to make a special delivery. Neither rain nor sleet nor snow will keep your ass out of that volcano. Adios, Bitch Pudding. ''[Bitch Pudding, however, is trying to escape from him]'' Glurk! Ooh! Aah!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': You flying turd! Who hired you?
:'''The Mailbird''': You kill me, we both die.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Good point, jazz cloth. But, on the other hand.
:'''The Mailbird''': Ow! ''[falls]'' Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[falls]'' Ohhhhhhhh!!! ''[Bleeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Ow! Ow! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Ow! Oh! Ow! Oh! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeeeeeeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Oh, ''[bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Mother''[bleep]''ing mother''[bleep]'' er! Ow! Ow! ''[Bleep]'' me! Oh, God! ''[Bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''! ''[hits the tree]'' Ow! ''[Bleep]''! Ohhh! ''[BLEEEEEEEP]''!!!!!
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding opens her eyes to see the Schlorps]''
:'''Schlorp 1''': Who is she?
:'''Schlorp 2''': Grandpappy will know.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Please, stop talking. Your voice is irritating as ''[bleep]''!
:'''Schlorp 2''': How rude!
:'''Schlorp 3''': Well, she's not wrong.
:'''Schlorp 4''': Who is that?
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Welcome to Schlorptown, stranger! We are the Schlorps. And my name is Grandpappy Schlorp.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Are you in charge of this sh*thole?
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': You see anyone else with a beard around here?
:'''Schlorp 2''': We should Schlorp the &quot;Get to know you&quot; song!
:''[Everyone laughs and the peppy music plays]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed]'' No.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪If you get to know me,♪
:♪Then I'll get to know you!♪
:♪Once you're in the group,♪
:♪You're a friend through-and-through!♪
:'''Fishing Pole Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Fishing Pole Schlorp and I catch all the fish!♪
:'''Basketball Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Basketball Schlorp watch this!♪
:'''Schlorps''': Swish!
:'''I.B.S. Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm I.B.S. Schlorp!♪
:♪You'll find me on the stalls♪
:'''Wintertime Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Wintertime Schlorp♪
:♪I'm sweating off my balls?
:'''Chinese Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm a Schlorp who come from China.♪
:'''Miss Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Miss Schlorp with a vagina!♪
:'''Kazoo Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm a Schlorp who plays kazoo♪
:'''Kung Fu Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm a Schlorp who wants Kung Fu!♪ ''[accidentally karate chops on the schlorp]'' So sorry!
:'''Schlorps''': ''[singing]'' ♪So how about the stranger?♪
:♪Tell us all about you!♪
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[grabs Banjo Schlorp's banjo to play it, but swears]'' ♪Shut the ''[bleep]'' u-u-up!!!♪
:''[Discordant note plays. She breaks the banjo and a fishing pole, while kicking a basketball far away. Afterwards, she gets angry to make the Schlorps feel shockingly bad]''
:'''I.B.S. Schlorp''': ''[his stomach growls]'' Oh, god! I'm not gonna make it. I'm not gonna make it. I'm not gonna make it. ''[craps himself]'' Aw. I didn't make it.
:''[Meanwhile, Grandpappy Schlorp tries to create a cast to Bitch Pudding's broken arm]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Ow, you old bastard!
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': There you go. Good as new. Ah, Schlorpette. Is that the Schlorp nut soup for our guest?
:'''Schlorpette''': Yes, but this is the last of our Schlorp nuts. They're all gone.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Aww. The last of the Schlorp nuts. And with winter on its way.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': This tastes like moose dick! I got to go home! Some asshole tried to kill me, so that asshole's gonna get my boot up his asshole.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': With the Schlorp nuts gone, our village faces starvation. You see, the nuts were stolen by the evil squirrel wizard on one tree hill.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Phhhhhhht!
:'''Schlorpette''': It was called that before the show.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': This squirrel sounds like a pissy.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Then perhaps we can make a deal. Bring our nuts home and we help get your butt home.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Uuuuuuuugh! ''[knocks the door]''
:'''Trevor''': ''[arrives]'' Who dares disturb the sa-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blam! ''[attacking Trevor to death]'' Haungh, haungh, hungh! Lick my taco, Squirrel Wizard. Give those dicks their nuts back!
:'''Schlorpette''': Bitch Pudding! That's not the Squirrel Wizard!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Huh? Who the hell is it?
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Trevor? Trevor?! Oh, my god! Trevor!
:'''Schlorpette''': His life partner.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Yuh-oh.
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Rrrrrrrrrrah!
:'''Schlorpette''': Aaaaaah!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Squirrel alert! Squirrel alert!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Rrrrrrrrrgh!
:'''All''': Ohh!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': ''[starts attacking the Schlorps]'' Suck on this! Suck on this! Suck on this!
:'''Schlorp 2''': Ow! Ooh! Ow!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Can't stay. Gotta go. Blam. ''[leaves]''
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Stay and fight, coward!
:'''Schlorp 1''': Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai!
:''[To be continued...]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Part 3 starts]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Whew. Safe. ''[witnessing the Squirrel Wizard using magic spells to murder the Schlorps]'' Oh, ''[bleep]''! They're getting massacred! Who cares about those purple peckers? They never should have trusted me. Or...Or helped me?
:'''Narrator''': And at that moment, Bitch Pudding's heart grew three sizes bigger. Uh, metaphorically. You know, you'll just have to take my word for it.
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Die, you miserable Schlorps! And when you meet God, slap that motherfucker in the face, because existence is nothing but his cruel joke on all of us!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Sorry, spunk-sponge! The Schlorps are under my protection! ''[a mutilated Schlorp coughs up blood and dies]'' Uh starting now! ''[starts to fight against the Squirrel Wizard]''
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Ooh!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blick! ''[still fighting with him]'' Oh!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Suck it!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Oh! Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam! Blaaaam!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Aaah! For Trevor! Punch! Punch!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blam! Blam! Ba-ba-ba-blam! ''[knocks the Squirrel Wizard to the ground]''
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Ugh! Trevor! My fuzzy little angel! ''[Bitch Pudding takes his magic wand]'' Just do it! End me! Use any death spell you choose! Just say the magic words and end my pain!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Abracadabra. ''[stabs the Squirrel Wizard through the head with his wand, finally killing him]'' Eat ''[bleep]''.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': ''[walks into frame, horrified by this scene]'' My Schlorps, gone. All gone.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': As your champion, a eulogy is probably in order. ''[clears throat; Grandpappy Schlorp gives a nod to another Schlorp]'' What can be said- ''[is knocked out by a Schlorp with a baseball bat from behind]'' Ow!
:''[A few hours later]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up and finds out she is in a biplane]'' Huh? Where? What?
:'''Pilot Schlorp''': On behalf of &quot;''[Bleep]'' You Airlines,&quot; go ''[bleep]'' yourself.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[falls]'' Aaaaaaaaagh! Oooooh! Unh! Unh! Unh! ''[lands]'' I-I I'm home. ''[suddenly spots a carnival in Pastryville celebrating her supposed death]'' What the ''[bleep]''?
:'''Pastryville Citizen 1''': Toss Bitch Pudding in the volcano and win a prize!
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Volcano-fried Bitch Pudding on a stick!
:'''Buttermilk Biscuits''': I hate you, Bitch Puddin'!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[turns around to see a mural of her being dropped into the volcano by the mail-delivery bird]'' They were all in on it! The whole town tried to kill me?!
:''[Cut to the church, where the Pastryville citizens sing a hymn]''
:'''Pastryville Citizens''': ''[singing]'' ♪She made our lives a living hell♪
:♪So nasty and so mean♪
:♪And when Bitch Pudding hit the lava♪
:♪You should have heard her scream♪
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': The first annual &quot;Bitch Pudding Is Dead&quot; Festival has been a rousing success! For generations to come, we will- ''[sniffs]'' Hey, guys, do you smell smoke?
:''[Everyone finds that the church is on fire, they all scream]''
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Oh, ''[bleep]''! The door won't open! ''[a Pastryville citizen runs by on fire, screaming. The others attempt to break the church door down]'' All together, now.
:'''Everyone''': One! Two! Three! Oh! Oh!
:''[Upon bursting out, they find Bitch Pudding, alive and well, and holding a minigun in front of them]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blam. ''[as revenge, she guns down every last citizen. A bloodied, mortally wounded Raspberry Parfait grabs onto Bitch Pudding with her last dying ounces of strength]'' Remember when I said I'd shoot you last?
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': I have absolutely no memory of that.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Must have been a fantasy I had when I was masturbating!
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': ''[Bleep]'' you, Bitch Pudding... ''[falls over and dies; Bitch Pudding surveys the dead bodies as heavy metal music plays]''
:''[One day later, Bitch Pudding is seen leaving Pastryville]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': So that's my story. I probably should have done a voiceover through the whole thing, but I didn't feel like it. Now, the only question is what does the future hold?
:''[A car arrives, driven by Nick Fury of the Avengers]''
:'''Nick Fury''': Bitch Pudding. You have become a part of a larger Universe.
:''[Credits; when it ends, Bitch Pudding is seen having stolen Nick Fury's car, driving away]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Da-da-da-da! Blam!
:'''Nick Fury''': What a bitch.

===Batman Forever 21 [7.17]===
:''[Nana is sitting alone, tied to her doghouse at the doorstep of the Darling house]''
:'''Peter Pan''': Off to Neverland!
:'''Michael''': Come on, Nana. ''[grabs Tinker Bell and sprinkles pixie dust all over Nana]''
:''[Nana starts to rise, but gets tangled in the rope and dies]''
:'''Peter Pan and the Children''': ''[in the distance]'' YAAAY!

===The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's [7.18]===
:'''Bionic-1''': Family, after nearly killing you on a ski trip to the Himalayas, I saved our lives by giving each of you bionic implants. Let's use these cool, new powers as the Bionic Six!
:''[The children cheer]''
:'''Mother-1''': Uh, hun, maybe we should be thankful we're alive and not...
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC SIX!
:'''IQ''': Open wide!
:'''Rock-1''': You just got eighty-Bionic-Sixed!
:'''Sports-1''': ''[bat cracking]'' Dad, turns out hitting homers isn't a superpower-AAH! ''[gets riddled with bullets]''
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC FIVE!
:'''Mother-1''': Eric?!
:'''Bionic-1''': Uh, his codename is Sports-1.
:'''Mother-1''': He was our son, and now he's dead! You asshole! We're getting a divorce.
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC FOUR!
:'''Karate-1''': WAA- ''[also gets riddled with bullets]''
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC THREE!
:'''IQ''': You killed my brother! ''[crushes Rock-1]''
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC TWO!
:'''IQ''': ''[crying]'' We never had any training... ''[crushes himself]''
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC ONE!
:'''BIONIC-1''': Only now do I see that bionics solve nothing...GUH! ''[gets riddled with bullets]''
:'''Announcer''': I AM OUT OF WORK!

===Chipotle Miserables [7.19]===
===The Robot Chicken Lots of Holidays But Don't Worry Christmas is Still In There Too so Pull the Stick Out of Your Ass Fox News Special [7.20]===</text>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-27T03:49:54Z</timestamp>
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      <text bytes="59644" xml:space="preserve">===G.I. Jogurt [7.01]===
:''[At the Emmy Awards, a G.I. Joe PSA of Roadblock talking to two children is shown on the big screen]''
:'''Roadblock''': I don't know why a 7-year-old would need to deep fry a turkey, but know you know how.
:'''Children''': And knowing is half the battle.
:''[The PSA ends with the &quot;G.I. Joe&quot; jingle]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Be a Turkey on Thanksgiving&quot;.
:''[The G.I. Joes clap, and Duke kisses Scarlett before he heads up with Roadblock to collect their award, while COBRA Commander and Destro watch on from the cheap seats]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': Look at them, Destro. The Joes churn out pedestrian advice to dead-eyed children, and the public eats it up! ''[mocking the Joes]'' &quot;Hey, kids, don't play with fallen electrical lines.&quot; ''[normal voice]'' Reads like a dispatch from the no-shit clinic.
:'''Destro''': I'll get the nerve gas.
:'''COBRA Commander''': No, you fool. We'll beat them at their own game. ''[clenching his fist]'' We'll create our own PSAs!
:''[Cut to COBRA Commander, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, and the Crimson Twins in the briefing room at COBRA Headquarters]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': OK, OK, let's just throw some ideas out there. This is a safe creative place. Dr. Mindbender, go.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Well, I thought our PSA could communicate an idea non-verbally. I've discovered that painting directly on celluloid creates a sort of &quot;tone poem&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Holy ''[bleep]'', that's sounds terrible. I'm sorry, safe place, but holy shit, that was fucking dumb. Next!
:'''Baroness''': ''[enters the room]'' Oh, I forgot you guys were in here writing. I was just looking for a hammer to hang my degree in screenwriting from Aberdeen. Anything I can do for you while I'm in here? ''[looks at him]'' Destro?
:'''Destro''': She's actually really funny, you guys.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Hey, you lost me at &quot;She's&quot;. ''[Bleep'' it! We're doing it without a script.
:''[Cut to the set of COBRA's PSAs, as Destro supervises, Storm Shadow is having his makeup done by one COBRA soldier, and two more soldiers move a camera. Dr. Mindbender enters the set with a group of children]''
:'''Destro''': Dr. Mindbender, you found four young children for our PSAs.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Uh, yes. ''[puts his arms around the children]'' That is what these kidnapped children are for.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[talking to Storm Shadow, who is reading his lines]'' OK, Storm Shadow, these two children will be running with scissors. Now, this upsets you, and you...
:'''Storm Shadow''': Why?
:'''COBRA Commander''': It's dangerous to run with scissors.
:'''Storm Shadow''': I run with Katana. Is that not dangerous?
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow, I hadn't thought of that. Excellent point, Storm Shadow. ''[whispers to Tomax]'' Get this piece of ''[bleep]'' off my set!
:''[One of the children runs past, giggling while running with scissors, but ends up getting killed by Storm Shadow]''
:'''Storm Shadow''': Well, COBRA Commander, it looks like I owe you an apology.
:''[First COBRA PSA: Serpentor telling children about using supplies only at the post office]''
:'''Serpentor''': So, remember, only take supplies if you'll use them for post office business. Any other use is a felony.
:'''Boy''': Now I'm aware.
:'''Serpentor''': ''[putting his arms around the children and smiling]'' And awareness is the second 50% of the conflict in question. ''[beat]'' Somebody say ''[bleep]''ing &quot;Cut&quot;!
:''[Second COBRA PSA: COBRA Commander tells children about the joys of reading]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': And I think you'll find it's not hard to read when you take the time to sssssssssound it out. ''[both children giggle]'' Oh, yesss, I've got a sssmall ssspeech impediment. ''[both children laugh; irritated]'' It'sss not funny! ''[removes his mask, as the children scream and run away, only for the Commander to shoot them dead]'' Shut. It. Down.
:''[At the next Emmy Awards...]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Star in a COBRA PSA&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[shaking his fist]'' What?!
:'''Destro''': ''[shouting over to the troops]'' Pump the nerve gas!

===Link's Sausages [7.02]===
:''[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are standing in the street]''
:'''Tommy Pickles''': ''[holding his Reptar doll]'' Well, after crossing the freeway, base jumping off a cliff, and dodging bullets in a gang war, we finally found my Reptar doll.
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enters the street, finding the babies]'' Tommy! What are you doing in the street?!
:''[Cut to the Pickles' house]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, thank God! They've been lost for hours! Where were they?
:'''Didi Pickles''': Stu, a word?  ''[they walk into the kitchen, their voices get muffled as they talk with the door shut]'' What the ''[bleep]'', Stu?!
:'''Stu Pickles''': Well, I'm sorry. The babies escaped, and I-
:'''Didi Pickles''': Escaped?! They're babies, you sackless moron!
:'''Stu Pickles''': I was downstairs, working on a new toy, and they just-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, a new toy! Never mind, then!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[tearing up]'' Didi, if you keep ridiculing my work, I-I swear to God-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enraged]'' What?! You'll hit me?! Ooh, you're such a man!
:''[Thudding and crashing are heard as Didi violently beats Stu offscreen]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': Didi, stop!
:'''Didi Pickles''': I'll be the man! See, Stu?! I'm the man!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[sobbing]'' I want a divorce!
:''[The babies look devastated as the screen cut to static]''

===Secret of the Booze [7.03]===
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf shaving his beard in his house]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': I don't usually get involved in day-to-day operations, so I'm smurfing undercover. They'll never smurf it's me. ''[chuckles; takes off his pants]'' Ohh, I haven't smurfed these things off in nearly 300 years! Talk about crotch rot!
:''[Title Card: Undercover Smurf Boss]''
:'''Farmer Smurf''': So, you're my new intern, huh?
:'''Papa Smurf''': That's right, Farmer Smurf. Teach me to care about your sad, little life...I mean your noble and fulfilling, uh, career choice.
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Well, Smurfs are a thirsty bunch, so we got to smurf them fresh milk every day!
:''[A giant caterpillar slithers in and turns onto its side, revealing its udders]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[being filmed]'' We've been drinking CATERPILLAR MILK?! ''[milks the giant caterpillar, his hands getting sore]'' Oh, this is agony. It feels like my hands are gonna smurf off!
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Yep, my carpal tunnel got so bad, they had to fuse my wrist bones in place!
:'''Papa Smurf''': But our healthcare is smurfy, right?
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Eh, my deductible is 2,000 smurfberries.
:'''Papa Smurf''': WHAT?! ''[cash register dings]''
:''[Title Card: 1 Smurfberry = 1.78 USD]''
:''[Scene cuts to the Smurf Hospital. Doctor Smurf packs his medical bag]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': Doctor Smurf, why are deductibles so high?
:'''Doctor Smurf''': Boy, you smurf a lot of uppity questions for an intern. Uh, just treat the next patient while I go for a Jamba Juice run in my gold-plated helicopter.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Actually, I'm not really qualified.
:''[Outside the window, Doctor Smurf takes off in his gold-plated helicopter. Door opens, Smurfette and Handy Smurf enter the room]''
:'''Smurfette''': We need Doctor Smurf! Handy had an accident!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Did someone get a sliver? ''[Handy shows his bleeding hand, missing all of his fingers]'' OH MY SMURFING GOD!!!
:'''Handy Smurf''': I sawed right through a load-bearing mushroom! Half our building materials are fungus! Oh, trade school didn't prepare me for this!
:'''Smurfette''': You can smurf his fingers, right, nurse?
:'''Papa Smurf''': I'll certainly try. ''[being filmed]'' I certainly tried.
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf sewing Handy's fingers while Handy lies dead on the table]''
:'''Smurfette''': ''[crying]'' You can probably stop sewing.
:'''Papa Smurf''': No, no, no. I-I'm gonna get this. ''[walks up to Grouchy Smurf]'' So, Grouchy Smurf, how's the coffee today?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate coffee!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh! Okay. But how do you like working here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate working here.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh, goodness. Okay. Well, is there anything that maybe Papa Smurf could do?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate Papa Smurf!
:'''Papa Smurf''': All right, what exactly do you do around here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I-I hate stuff?
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[puts on his red hat]'' I'm being deadly serious.
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I...I... ''[cuts to him, shoveling dog poop outside]'' I hate shoveling dog ''[bleep]''.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Well, now that's actually an appropriate reaction. Carry on, dog-''[bleep]'' Smurf! ''[leaves]''
:''[More dog poop falls from above, next to Grouchy]''

===Rebel Appliance [7.04]===
:'''Lion-O''': My fellow Thundercats! When danger is near, I shall hold the Sword of Omens aloft and yell out a battle cry
:'''Cheetara''': What shall our battle cry be, Lion-O?
:'''Lion-O''': &quot;Thunder, thunder, thunder, thundercats, I need you because evil is near, and we are friends, and we are a team. So we must come together and fight because the Eye of Thundera is in the sky, and it is summoning everyone together. So please come here Panthro and Tygra and Panthro and also Cheetara and also Wilykit and Wilicat and also Snarf. I think I said Panthro twice. I won't do that every time. Yes, we are the Thundercats. This is our battle cry. I love you guys. You are my best friends, and I am Lion-O and I am a Thundercat, and you guys are Thundercats too. Mumm Ra is not a Thundercat, he's bad and we're gonna win against him, because we are the Thundercats, and the Thundercats are here for you today because we are the Thundercats yeah, I'm Lion-O&quot;. I hope you write that down.
:'''Snarf''': I liked it. ''[Wilykat slaps him]'' OW!

===Legion of Super-Gyros [7.05]===
:''[With Grover and Oscar the Grouch]''
:'''Grover''': Oh boy, it sure is a great day here on Sesame Street!
:'''Oscar''': Yeah, especially since we're the last neighborhood in New York that hasn't been gentrified.
:'''Grover''': Until today, because our special guest is Hannah Horvath from the marginally popular but ignored in the flyover states HBO series, Girls!
:'''Hannah''': Hey, do you know where I could find a cocaine dealer/organic Vietnamese taco truck around here?
:'''Oscar''': ''[Bleep]'' me! ''[gets back inside his trash can]''
:'''Hannah''': ''[feels Grover]'' Ooh, you're so cute! ''[later that night]'' I really love how you don't play games, Grover.
:'''Grover''': Oh but I play lots of games, patty cake, and marco polo...Ugh!
:'''Hannah''': ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jacking off]'' Insult my parents! Oh yeah!
:'''Grover''': Woah! ''[scene cuts to him and Hannah learning about numbers with apples]'' Today, we are going to learn about the number 3, I have 3 apples!
:'''Hannah''': And I know 3 girls who were date raped at the same bar on 6th street.
:'''Grover''': That is sad. ''[Hannah eats the apple]'' Uh...you're eating my props.
:'''Hannah''': I'm proud of my body.
:'''Grover''': I know, I know.
:'''Hannah''': Ugh! Yeah! ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jerking off again]''
:'''Grover''': Oh, God!

===El Skeletorio [7.06]===
:'''Crypt Keeper''': Oh, hello! I was just enjoying the latest best &quot;heller&quot;! ''[laughs evilly, but then rips off book cover]'' This is actually Dan Brown's &quot;Inferno.&quot; It's a piece of shit. Our next tale is something of an &quot;alle-gory&quot;! You might say it's a &quot;meta-gore&quot;! Let's just roll it.
:''[Cuts to the outside of Bitch Pudding's house, where the title of the sketch appears. We cut to inside the hpuse, where Bitch Pudding is sleeping]''
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out. Get out of the house. Get out of the hou-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Why don't you get your tongue out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole so I can jam your mama's ''[bleep]'' up there, you ''[bleep]''-gargling pile of monkey spunk? Nothing to say now, huh?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': There's just a lot to unpack there.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Well, wake me up when you figure it out, ''[bleep]'' stick. ''[goes back to sleep]''
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding goes to her fridge when she sees the chairs and flower pot of her table are now completely deformed]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed, she flips them over and destroys them]'' BLAM! Where's your ''[bleep]''-ass art project now, ''[bleep]'' nut?
:'''Ghostly voice''': It wasn't supposed to be art, it was supposed to scare you! God! Forget it! I'm leaving! ''[cuts to Strawberry Shortcake's house, where she is sleeping]'' Strawberry Shortcake!
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': ''[wakes up]'' Huh? What?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out of the house!
:''[A red substance begins to ooze out of the walls, causing Strawberry Shortcake to scream in fear]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[breaks in through the window]'' Hey, ''[bleep]''ing clown, if you're ragging so bad, why don't you take your mama's tampon out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole and lick it clean before you shove it up your ''[bleep]''?!
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Hey, stop talking about my dad's ''[bleep]''hole! I'll-I'll leave town, okay? Oh, FYI, that isn't blood, that is strawberry jam, m'lady. The insulation is leaking. All I did was turn the painting upside down. Live with it.
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': Do you think he was right about the insulation? That could be berry expensive.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hmm, let's see. That depends on whether I give a ''[bleep]'', ''[bleep]'' tits! ''[make a fanfare noise]'' Bitch Pudding! BLAM! ''[jumps out the window]''
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': I should really move.

===Snarfer Image [7.07]===
:''[Ticking, cuts to Elmer Fudd in a field]''
:'''Elmer Fudd:'' ''[narrating]'' Time travel has not been invented yet, ''[cocks his gun]'' but in 30 years, it will be. ''[gunshot]'' In the future, TV networks don't awwow cartoons to have guns, so if they want to kill someone, they send them back here to me. My name is Elmer Fudd, and I'm a Wooper. ''[Title Card: Wooper]'' The only wule is never let your target escape, even if your target is you.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': ''[appears in the field]'' What are you waiting for? Shoot me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': What?!
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': In the future, they don't let me have a gun! That was my one dimension as a character! Know what I did yesterday? I slept for 15 hours and then beat it to a Weader's Digest! Help me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': I can't.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': Come on, give it to me. ''[crying]'' Pleeeease. ''[gunshot]''
:'''Yosemite Sam''': ''[appears in the field]'' I'll have what he's having. ''[gunshot]''
:''[Cuts to Porky Pig on the Looney Tunes circles. The words &quot;That's all, folks!&quot; appear in front]''
:'''Porky Pig''': Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-...That's all, folks! ''[gunshot]''

===Up, Up, and Buffet [7.08]===
:'''Fiona''': The spell has broken! This was my true form all along! I can't wait to marry you, Shrek!
:'''Shrek''': Marry you?
:'''Fiona''': Well, yeah! Since we look the same now, we'll live happily ever after!
:'''Shrek''': Fiona, every morning, I look at myself in the mirror, and I wish my mother had the courage to throw me in the river when I was born. Then I make my way to the putrid swamps, the only place on God's green Earth a monster like me feels at home. Sometimes, children gather to scream at me. &quot;Monster!  Animal!&quot;, they yell. Then someone screams, &quot;Kill yourself!&quot; and it takes a few seconds to realize the voice is coming from my own mouth! By then, I've made my way to the old hanging tree. Before I have time to think about it, I'm wrapping a vine around my own neck. It goes &quot;tot&quot; and I pray to the gods that this time, the vine will hold! But alas, everyday, I wake up in my own filth and I lie there and I cry. I cry because I'll live to see my face again! So nay, marrying a lass with a face as hideous as my own is not on my to-do list!
:'''Fiona''':''[with her mouth full]'' Have you tried these mini cheeseburgers? They're great! ''[sees Shrek hanging from a noose, and to Shrek's disappointment, the noose snaps]''

===Panthropologie [7.09]===
:''[Caption: LEGO City, 2014]''
:'''Wife''': Honey, look out! Cliche!
:'''Gerry''': Huh? ''[all screaming]'' What's happening?!
:'''Cop''': Kre-O! They're everywh- Aah! ''[gets torn apart by the Kre-O's]''
:'''Wife''': There's something wrong with them. They look like us but different!
:'''General''': ''[lands in the helicopter]'' This way! Hurry! Your life has more value than other people! ''[the Lanes get onto the helicopter]'' Gerry, we need your expertise!
:'''Gerry''': My expertise? I'm not a soldier!
:'''General''': Gerry, we need a lawyer.
:''[Title Card: WORLD WAR B (as in blocks)]''
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': Put simply, Gerry, we're being invaded by imitation blocks.
:'''Assistant''': Off-brand products with a taste for LEGO blood!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': They're nearly identical but different. Wrong. Like when you sit on your hand until it goes to sleep. You try to pretend Flo from the Progressive commercials is giving you an HJ, but you know it's not Flo. You know that! She'd never be so clumsy, so artless.
:'''General''': That's impossible! We're trademarked!
:'''Gerry''': No, general. LEGO bricks aren't protected by trademark. They're protected by patent.
:'''General''': Hell, man, what's the difference?
:'''Gerry''': The difference is...patents expire! Cool! Someone turned that legal document into a GIF. That's fun.
:'''General''': Isn't it &quot;jiff&quot;? Anyway, how do we stop it?
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': There's nothing we can do. ''[whispering]'' Don't worry, Flo. I'll protect you.
:'''Assistant''': Don't worry, girl from the Wendy's commercials.
:'''General''': Don't worry, GEICO gecko.
:''[Cut to the map]''
:'''Gerry''': ''[narrating]'' They covered the whole globe in no time: Mega Bloks, Kre-O, Best-Lock, CoCo, BanBao, Rokenbok, Super Blocks, and Leggo with two g's, which was especially insulting.
:''[Caption: Lego Headquarters, Denmark]''
:''[Zombies groaning]''
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' LEGO my baby, LEGO my honey, LEGO my ragtime gal...
:'''Son''': Daddy, are we safe?
:'''Gerry''': Of course we are, son. People are singing, aren't they? Ugh. That is the lowest form of music.
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' ...Honey, you'll lose me, then you'll be left alone...
:''[Zombies groaning loudly]''
:'''Gerry''': The terrible singing! They're attracted to the terrible singing! ''[the zombies start climbing over the walls. Gerry knocks out the quartet. Soldiers start shooting]'' Ohh! - Ow! Fire! Fire! They're too fast!-Ohh!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': ''[runs in with the syringe]'' Gerry, I've found a way to camouflage ourselves!
:'''Gerry''': That beats my solution. ''[acts out shooting zombies, and then acts out shooting himself]'' Pew pew! Pew pew! Pew!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': LEGOs are machined to a tolerance of 10 micrometers! That's why we're so expensive! But this serum will make us look cheaper and sloppier! ''[injects himself]'' Aah! ''[turns into a Playmobil figure]'' We look like them now!
:'''Gerry''': I'd rather die.
:'''Son''': ''[notices something]'' What?! They have Transformers?
:'''Gerry''': No, son! No!
:'''Son''': Aah! ''[Bumblebee rips him in half]''
:'''Gerry''': Nooooooo!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': You probably don't even want to go on living now.
:'''Gerry''': Huh? Oh, that was just a kid from my wife's first marriage. But that looked really painful. Hit me with the juice! ''[gets injected]'' Ugh! ''[the serum transforms him into...]'' No! You turned me into a ''[bleep]''ing DUPLO! It's the same company as LEGO, you fool! Aah! Aah! ''[Mrs. Lane and the Doctor run away whilst DUPLO Gerry gets his head ripped off]'' Guys, is this ending working? Let's re-shoot it.
:''[Zombies murmuring]''

===Catdog on a Stick [7.10]===
:'''Executive''': You sure you wanna do a movie, Tiger?
:'''Tiger''': I want to be beloved again, like before I had sex with all those waitresses from IHOP. Jordan did Space Jam. I want my Space Jam.
:'''Executive''': Well, studios aren't lining up to lend their characters to a Tiger Woods movie. Everyone aggressively passed except DiC, but I cannot recommend that.
:''[Cut to the title card for the Golf Jam movie]''
:'''Singers''': Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to Tiger on the golf course]''
:'''Tiger''': Time for a day of playing golf and being faithful to my girlfriend. ''[falls down a large hole]'' What? Whoooooooa!! ''[lands in DiC Land, surrounded by Heathcliff and other DiC characters]'' Ow!
:'''Heathcliff''': Welcome to DiC Land, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[getting up from his fall and waving hello]'' Why, hi, Garfield.
:'''Heathcliff''': I'm Heathcliff. I'm more romantic and have an accent. This is Cleo.
:'''Cleo''': We need your help, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to put my penis in you... ''[snaps back to attention, and looks at the camera]'' I mean, I love my girlfriend.
:'''Cleo''': We brought you here because the evil Dork Punks challenged us to a game of golf.
:'''Tiger''': ''[once again enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to hump your face... ''[flustered]'' I mean, help your face- ''[snaps out of it again]'' Help you, I will help you!
:''[The Dork Punks walk into the shot, as Tiger turns to look at them]''
:'''Dork Punk''': Let's tee off, DiC-heads!
:''[Tiger and Heathcliff look at each other and nod, and we cut to a golf-playing montage. Tiger (now wearing a cap with the DiC logo on it) hits a beautful shot as Heathcliff, Cleo, and a couple of other toons watch. LongArm uses his gauntlet to sink a putt, as Tiger chats up Princess Lana and receives a slap to the face from her. As Cleo prepares to sink her putt, Tiger walks up from behind and starts pretending to hump her. Ja-Kal prepares to take a shot as Armon looks on, but a piece of Armon's gauze is caught on Ja-Kal's club. As Ja-Kal swings, he and Armon both get tied up in Armon's gauze. Tiger is seen in one of the bunkers with Nefer-Tina sitting on top of him, as she unwraps the gauze from her upper body much to Tiger's delight. The montage ends as Tiger is getting ready to sink his final putt, with Cleo and Hammerman watching on]''
:'''Hammerman''': If you sink this putt, we win!
:'''Tiger''': Wish me luck, Bobby Brown.
:'''Hammerman''': Bobby Brown? I'm Hammerman! I'm M.C. Hammer, except not, and I have magic shoes. ''[shows off his magic dancing shoes]''
:'''Tiger''': ''[looks at Cleo]'' You know, I don't even know if I want to save you DiC's. You're just uninspired rehashes of good ideas. Seriously, how cheap is DiC? This is a movie, and you all look like you were drawn on a napkin.
:'''Cleo''': Win the game and I'll blow you.
:''[Upon hearing this, Tiger immediately sinks the putt and wins the game. As the DiC toons celebrate, Tiger unzips his pants and takes a terrified Cleo by the hand into the Pancake House for his well-earned blowjob]''
:'''Hammerman''': ''[rapping]'' Everybody tee off, get a club in your hands, charisma-free sex addict saving DiC Land! Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to black with the bold white text &quot;Golf Jam was rented once from Redbox. The copy was returned on time.&quot;]''

===Super Guitaro Center [7.11]===
:'''Shredder''': The &quot;Channel 6 News Masquerade Ball&quot; is the opportunity for me to kidnap April O'Neil. She's the perfect bait to catch the turtles. ''[surprised to see April's costume]'' Wow! Out of that bulky lesbian jumpsuit, she's hot as ''[bleep]''!
:'''April''': Care to dance, Mr. Potter?
:'''Shredder''': WHAT?! ''[cuts to Shredder dancing with April]'' And, what's your costume?
:'''April''': Belle from &quot;Beauty and The Beast&quot;, but a dick-slut.
:'''Shredder''': Is your favorite restaurant, Taco &quot;Belle&quot;?
:''[Both laugh]''
:'''April''': You are hilarious.
:'''Shredder''': On the count of 3, say your favorite band. 1, 2, 3!
:'''Shredder and April''': Toad the Wet Sprocket! ''[pause, they both kiss]''
:'''April''': ''[feels the blade, and gasped]'' Wait. Are you-
:'''Shredder''': In love? Yes. WHAT?! Bye! ''[leaves]''
:'''April''': ''[realizing]'' Shredder?
:''[Cut to Shredder with April outside her apartment after the party]''
:'''Shredder''': Think of something poetic, Oroku. ''[to April]'' But soft, you are total boner food!
:'''April''': Oh, Shredder. My heart doesn't take sides.
:'''Shredder''': People won't approve.
:'''April''': No one can keep us apart.
:''[They both kiss again. Then cuts to the sewer]''
:'''Raphael''': Aww, Hell to the No! ''[punches a brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''April''': We're soul mates! We both love Toad the Wet Sprocket.
:'''Michelangelo''': Toad the-What?! Is that a sex thing?! Have you guys had sex?!
:'''April''': No. Just dry humping, and ball play.
:'''Raphael''': Ball play?! ''[punches the same brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''Splinter''': You must stay away from Shredder, April. He is dangerous. Sleep here tonight. Donatello, grab the guest pillows.
:''[Donatello grabs pizza boxes which are the guest pillows, and puts them on the couch. Later while everyone's asleep, Shredder comes up from behind the couch to see April]''
:'''April''': ''[gasps]'' What are you doing here?
:'''Shredder''': I came to say &quot;Hi&quot;, ''[lays down next to her]'' and also have sex after the whole &quot;Hi&quot; thing.
:'''April''': It's like Six Flags Hurricane Harbor in my panties right now. ''[they both kiss again. Later, we see her and Shredder outside the manhole]'' Mmm, Mmm. You really Toadied my Wet Sprocket. When will I see you again?
:'''Shredder''': Soon, I hope. I should go before the turtles wake up. Plus, I have some major ExtenZe farts coming on. ''[farts]''
:''[Next morning while April was having her breakfast]''
:'''Donatello''': April, just go on one date with Casey. He's a good guy.
:'''April''': Casey is a jobless loser in sweats! ''[walks away]''
:'''Casey''': Good start to my morning.
:'''[Cut to April with the Rat King]''
:'''April''': So, I left. What should I do, Mr. Rat King? I belong with Shredder.
:'''Rat King''': I have an idea! And my idea involves you taking a lot of poison very quickly.
:'''April''': ''[pause, interested]'' Go on?
:''[Cut to April playing dead]''
:'''Shredder''': ''[shocked]'' It can't be! April?! NO!!!! WHY?!?! ''[accidentally hits April with his spikes]''
:'''April''': ''[wakes up in pain]'' Ow! Ow! Ow! What the ''[bleep]''?! Shredder!
:'''Shredder''': April! You're alive!
:'''April''': The poison only made me appear dead. Didn't you read &quot;Romeo and Juliet&quot;, you ''[bleep]''ing ass clown? ''[gags and dies]''
:'''Shredder''': NOOOOOOO!!!!!! ''[a few seconds of silence]'' Just gonna take my Toad the Wet Sprocket bootleg back. ''[takes his CD back, and leaves]''

===Noidstrom Rack [7.12]===
:'''Picard''': ''[dozing in the captain's chair on the bridge of the Enterprise]'' What's that Beverly? You want Wesley to watch? Hmm, make it so! ''[jerks awake]'' Oh, 2300 hours, time for the night crew to relieve us! ''[moves to leave the bridge, as Captain Jake enters]'' Captain.
:'''Captain Jake''': Capitan! ''[the Enterprise bridge crew file out, as their night crew replacements enter]'' Night crew, maintain course. ''[cut to the Enterprise moving through space]'' Space, the final frontier! These are the 11pm to 7am voyages of the Enterprise's night crew. Its continuing mission...is to PAR-TAY! ''[starts drinking from a beer can as the night crew cheer]''
:'''Night Crew''': Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! [A Borg cube appears on the view screen]
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Captain Jake, a Borg cube is hailing us.
:'''Captain Jake''': They probably want us to turn down our jams...Fat chance!
:'''Borg Drone''': Lower your shields, your culture will adapt to service us.
:'''Captain Jake''': You want us to service you?
:'''Borg Drone''': Affirmative. You will service the Borg, all night if needed! ''[Commander LaFreak sniggers. The Borg Drone looks unamused]'' Wait! Our hive mind has assimilated double entendres- real mature, guys! Prepare for assimilation! ''[the Borg cube begins to shoot at the Enterprise with its lasers]''
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Our shields won't last long, sir! Should we wake up the bald guy?
:'''Captain Jake''': ''[opens another can of beer]'' No way, Commander LaFreak! We'll beat the Borg like we beat that frat on Gallos 7!
:'''Commander LaFreak''': We'll sell naked photos of their girlfriends at a pie-eating contest?
:'''Captain Jake''': What?! No! Like any frat, the Borg share a hive mind, man. If we get one Borg to party, all Borg will party! Night crew, prepare to rock out with our Spocks out! ''[the night crew beam across to the Borg cube]'' Anybody order a partygram? ''[the night crew start playing music and drinking with the Borg drones in the cube. He pulls out a bottle of champagne to a female Borg drone]'' Wet t-shirt contest! ''[opens the champagne bottle on the female drone, who doesn't react even when he douses her chest]'' Oh right, no shirt...you want mine? ''[removes his Captain's jumper, just as the Borg drone he talked to advances on him]'' Whoa, chill out, dude! Wait, is she your daughter?
:'''Borg Drone''': Enough! Partying is futile! ''[jabs Captain Jake with its injection tubes, only to recoil. Captain Jake grins]'' Your blood, so full of beer! Your party, so hearty! ''[grabs a cup of beer from a Klingon night crew member and chugs it]'' Woo-hoooo! ''[the rest of the Borg join the drone and the night crew in partying]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Now this, I can assimilate! ''[he and the drone hug]''
:''[Cut to the Borg cube drawing a giant cock on a planet with its lasers. Cut to an awards ceremony on the bridge of the Enterprise]''
:'''Starfleet Admiral''': Captain Jake, Starfleet thanks you for defeating the Borg. ''[hangs a medal around Captain Jake's neck]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Bitchin'!
:'''Picard''': ''[fuming]'' NIGHT CREEEEEEWWWWW! ''[everyone looks round nervously, until he grins]'' Beer me! ''[the night crew cheer and Jake tosses Picard a can]'' You glorious sons of bitches!

===Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13]===
:''[The Disney Princess Castle is shown]''
:'''Snow White''': ''[from inside]'' Welcome to the Princess Summit, ''[cut to inside]'' where we address the complex political issues facing our kingdoms.
:'''Rapunzel''': Hairstyles.
:'''Cinderella''': Talking pets.
:'''Tiana''': Hairstyles for our talking pets.
:'''Ariel''': Crabs. ''[everyone looks at her in disgust]'' I've got crabs.
:'''Snow White''': Well, isn't that just, um...and where is our newest princess?
:'''Merida''': ''[enters, carrying a dead boar dripping with blood]'' Ach! Sorry I'm late. I killed a boar on the way here.
:'''Aurora''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, you're so feminist and empowered. Great.
:'''Merida''': ''[laying boar on the table and gutting it]'' 'Ey, wee beastie! Have we got to grievances yet? A bunch of wee dwarves are illegally mining me territory.
:'''Snow White''': Oh, Merida, you have far bigger problems. Let me tell you about them.
:'''Merida''': Not a damn song.
:'''Snow White''': ''[singing]'' Here's a list of things to drop;
:Your accent, bow, that tangled mop.
:Fifteen pounds from off your hips
:Those ginger afros 'neath your pits
:And no prince will want to mingle
:With a girl with no hit single.
:''[Cinderella, Aurora, and Ariel hold up gold records]''
:'''Cinderella''': ''[spoken]'' And your pet's hair is a disaster.
:'''Merida''': That's me mother! She's a bear! The trailer was very misleading! ''[holds the knife to Snow White's neck''] I came here looking for justice; instead, I found treachery. Prepare yourself for war. ''[Leaves]''
:'''Mulan''': ''[following Merida]'' Someone finally said it! See you on the killing field, round-eyes. ''[leaves]''
:'''Belle''': Amen, sister. ''[leaves]''
:'''Tiana''': Stuck-up bitches!
:''[Rapunzel follows. The remaining princesses look on. We transition to the next scene where Snow White is preparing her army for war against Merida's army]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, that Merida! I'll show her. ''[out the window]'' Send in my war counsel. ''[a cute Disney-esque bird flies up to the windowsill]'' What shall I do, little one?
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Core that bitch like an apple.
:'''Snow White''': Oh my.
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Weave a tapestry of their intestines.
:'''Snow White''': Okay, okay, I get it, I get it. We need weapons.
:'''Cinderella''': I've got a guy.
:''[The Fairy Godmother appears]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, good idea. We'll fight them with magic.
:'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[laying bag of assault weapons on table]'' Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo, that's twenty grand.
:'''Princesses''': Ooh, wow!
:'''Ariel''': Do you need thingamabobs? I've got thingamabobs.
:'''Jasmine''': Nobody cares about the dildo collection you dredged up from the Atlantic, you fishy bitch. ''[Ariel runs away crying]'' Anyone else have cold tits?
:''[We cut to Merida's training grounds]''
:'''Merida''': All right, ladies. Show me what you've got.
:'''Rapunzel''': ''[whips the practice dummy with her hair, dismembering it, then strangling it]'' I finally found the perfect conditioner— ''[pops the dummy's head off]'' blood!
:'''Louis''': ''[shooting arrows and missed the target]'' Oh, curse these stubby arms.
:'''Merida''': You're an alligator. Be an alligator!
:''[Louis turns to Mushu, who is standing beside him]''
:'''Mushu''': Oh, wait! Don't...!
:'''Louis''': ''[eats Mushu]'' Oh! I'm so sorry!
:'''Mulan''': No, no, it was...it was a good kill.
:''[Cut to Snow White's army, ready for their coming battle]''
:'''Snow White''': Not all of us will live to wish upon a star tonight, but we give our lives for a greater good.
:'''Aurora''': ''[yawning]'' Oh dear, I think I'm getting sleepy. I might have to sit this one out, guys.
:'''Snow White''': Don't you pull that shit now!
:'''Aurora''': Just teasing.
:''[An arrow fired by an off-screen Merida strikes Aurora in the throat, killing her instantly]''
:'''Merida''': ''[with her army at the top of a hill]'' Bring me the scalp and/or weave of Snow White! Charge!
:''[The armies charge at each other]''
:'''Jasmine''': I will show you a world of death!
:''[They meet in the middle, where Ariel, now a mermaid, has brought an atomic bomb]''
:'''Ariel''': Look, everyone! I brought my thingamabob! My weapons-grade thingamabob!
:'''Cinderella''': Oh, you just don't know what words are. That's your thing.
:''[The bomb starts beeping, indicating its imminent detonation]''
:'''Princesses''': ''[realizing]'' Ahh! Run away! Run away! ''[running away from the bomb]''
:'''Sebastian''': ''[pops up from behind the bomb, singing]'' Bend over and grab your ankles!
:''[The bomb explodes, completely obscuring the scene with smoke and ash, until it dissipates, revealing that the explosion has eradicated almost everything, leaving nothing but a barren wasteland]''
:'''Merida''': ''[wounded, trudges by]'' Me mother's a bear.
:''[Tinkerbell arrives, then shoots her in the head with a gun, winks, and leaves]''

===Walking Dead Lobster [7.14]===
:''[We start on a gradient aquamarine-blue background, where the Gullah Gullah Island logo rolls in]''
:'''Announcer''': And now, back to Gullah Gullah Island!
:''[We cut to Ron and Natalie's house, where everyone plays Leapfrog with. Two policemen, one blonde and the other with brown hair, arriving at the front door]''
:'''Ron''': ''[jumps over Shaina and Binyah-Binyah]'' This sure is fun, Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': Binyah-Binyah! Have fun, too!
:''[The policemen knock on the door]''
:'''Ron''': I'll get it. ''[opens the door to show the policemen]''
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Hello, sir. We've investigated a tip. A criminal might be in the area; he's robbed a bank and shot three policemen.
:'''Ron''': Oh, no! Well, there's nobody here but me, my wife, our three children, and our man-sized pet polliwog.
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Yeah-no, no, no, that's a man in a frog suit.
:'''Natalie''': ''[incredulous]'' What?! No, he's just a giant polliwog we rescued.
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Where did you find him?
:'''Vanessa''': Oh, behind an amphibious animal costume shop!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': I'm gonna need him out of that frog suit by the count of three. ''[pulls out a pistol]'' One...
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': ''[raises both arms in the air as the Alstons stare in shock]'' Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Two...
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': ''[scared, waving arms]'' Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Three!
:'''Frogman''': ''[screams and strips out of costume, making the Alstons cover their eyes from seeing his nude lesion-covered body]'' No! Don't shoot!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': ''[still points pistol with other officer]'' Down on the ground, Frogman!
:'''Natalie''': ''[disgusted]'' What's on his skin?!
:'''Frogman''': Sores, you dumbass! From wearing that polliwog costume for four months straight! ''[is handcuffed by the blonde policeman and pulled out of the house]'' Binyah-Binyah! Binyah-Binyah!
:''[The brown-haired policeman clubs Frogman on the back of his head to knock him out, ending the sketch''

===Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15]===
:'''Peter Pan''': Fly with me, to Neverland! ''[flies out of the window with the Darling children]''
:'''Mary Darling''': ''[arrives with her husband too late]'' Children, no!
:''[Scene cuts to Neverland]''
:'''Peter Pan''': These are the Lost Boys. They're not vampires. ''[phone rings from inside a tree; curiously]'' We have a phone? ''[picks up the receiver]'' Hello?
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[on the phone]'' I don't know who you are. ''[cut to him with George and Mary]'' I don't know what you want. I don't know why you dress like...
:'''Mary Darling''': A gay Robin Hood.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Like a gay Robin Hood. I have a very particular set of skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. By which I guess I mean, flying gay Robin Hoods.
:''[Cut to Peter]''
:'''Peter Pan''': Good luck finding Neverland, grandpa. ''[hangs up and leaves]''
:''[Cut back to Bryan, George, and Mary]''
:'''George Darling''': Oh, what's he saying?
:'''Bryan Mills''': He's saying, &quot;Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...&quot;
:'''Mary Darling''': That's the dial tone.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Dial tone? ''[hangs up]'' Well, this is a very old phone. ''[to George and Mary]'' He's holding your children in what I presume is an underground sex club called Neverland.
:'''George Darling''': Oh thank goodness, you do security work for bankers like myself, Mr. Mills, but how will you reach the children? They were flying!
:'''Mary Darling''': I think I heard them say something about thinking happy thoughts.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Happy thoughts, eh? ''[imagining himself in the thought bubble, grabbing Peter Pan and throwing him on a step]''
:'''Peter Pan''': No! No! Please!
:''[Bryan crushes Peter's head destroying his face, the thought bubble vanishes]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': Whoo hoo, off I go! ''[flies through the roof]''
:''[Scene cuts to Neverland, Bryan kills the Lost Boys, except Slightly, who turns around and sees the other Lost Boys dead covered in blood]''
:'''Slightly''': ''[farts]'' I just pooped in my tail!
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[holding Slightly at knifepoint]'' Where are the children?!
:''[Slightly farts again before we cut to Wendy and the mermaids]''
:'''Wendy''': I've never meet real live mermaids before.
:'''Mermaid''': ''[laughs]'' That's so fun! Lets drown this bitch! ''[grabs Wendy by her arms]''
:'''Wendy''': No, please, no! ''[opens her eyes to see the mermaids dead]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[wearing the seashell bra]'' Wendy, where are your brothers?
:'''Wendy''': There! On the pirate ship!
:''[Cut to the Pirate ship where John and Michael are cornered by Captain Hook]''
:'''Captain Hook''': Time for these little chickadees to walk the plank! ''[laughs]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[near the dead pirates]'' Tick-tock, time's up! ''[kicks Captain Hook, who falls while screaming into the crocodile's mouth]'' I'm taking you home, children.
:'''Peter Pan''': ''[arrives with Tinkerbell]'' Not so fast, you old codfish! ''[Tinkerbell flies up to Bryan taunting him, Bryan uses his shoe to squash her]'' Tink! Oh, good luck getting home without her fairy dust, asshole!
:'''Bryan Mills''': Why would I want to leave when my happy thoughts are about to come true?
:'''Peter Pan''': Your what? ''[Bryan grabs him and throws him to a step]'' Oh! No! NO! ''[Bryan crashes his head with his foot before his shadow comes out]''
:'''Wendy''': Okay, but seriously man, how the ''[bleep]'' are we getting home?!
:'''Bryan Mills''': Hang on. ''[grabs Peter's shadow and throws it on the same step]''
:'''Peter's shadow''': No, no, wait! ''[screams as Bryan crushes its head in black blood with his foot]''

===Bitch Pudding Special [7.16]===
:''[Part 1 starts, as a funeral for Granny Graham Crackers is taking place at the Strawberryland Church; Raspberry Parfait is speaking at the podium]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Even on cloudy days, Pastryville always had a ray of sunshine. And her name was Granny Graham Crackers. Remember when she knit your favorite scarf, Black Cherry Pie?
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': ''[caressing her scarf fondly]'' I wear it everyday, Raspberry Parfait.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': And Fudge Turnover, remember when she fixed you leaky roof?
:'''Fudge Turnover''': She got heat-stroke and fell into the hedges.
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': ''[indignant]'' While you watched Tango and Cash on Netflix!
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Yes! While I watched Tango and Cash on Netflix.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': And Buttermilk Biscuits, I remember when Granny drove all the way to the big city to get-
:'''Buttermilk Biscuits''': ''[gesturing towards her neck]'' No. Nope. Mnh-mnh.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Your...tonsils out?
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Yeah, your unborn tonsils.
:''[Black Cherry Pie scowls at him]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': ''[clears her throat]'' Now then if there are no more speakers? ''[no one says a word, to her relief]'' Great! Then, in conclusion- ''[But Bitch Pudding opens the door just then. Everyone is shocked. Bitch Pudding walks up to the podium, lightly shoving her out of the way]'' W-We were just wrapping up here, Bitch Pudding.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[grabs the microphone and begin to speak in her calm southern accent]'' I remember Granny. ''[the audience is still dumbfounded]'' I remember her smile. ''[the audience looks relieved]'' I remember how much she loved baking sugar cookies. ''[wipes a tear from her eye]''
:'''All''': ''[react happily]'' Ahh!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': But most of all, I remember... ''[giving a angry rant]'' her rank-ass old-lady farts.
:''[Everyone gasps in shock]''
:''[Raspberry Parfait'': ''[facepalming]'' Oh, God.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': This bitch had no sense of smell, no sense of hearing, so all day long, she was like &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbhhhhhht!&quot;
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Okay. ''[chuckles]'' That's enough-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[pushes Raspberry Parfait and continues]'' And when you're a hundred years old, I guess panties are just an afterthought. I mean, raise your hand if you never saw Granny airing out the Ark of the Covenant! ''[while she’s talking, Raspberry Parfait does the hand signal to turn the camera off, but she then mouths &quot;What the?&quot; Everyone gasps and groans]'' I hope Granny is in heaven, but she had a gambling addiction, so Satan might be doing her up the butt. ''[Everyone gasps again]'' Knock twice if Satan's doing you up the butt, Granny. ''[in Granny's voice]'' I love it up the butt from Satan, everybody! ''[in Satan's voice]'' You rule, Granny! Ha ha! ''[begins humping the coffin; the others gasp and groan in shock once more]'' Now hit my ''[bleep]''ing theme song!
:''[Music plays in the style of “The Trooper” by Iron Maiden, as Bitch Pudding walks down the aisles where she steals an audience member's apple and takes a single bite before giving it to German Chocolate Cake and out of the church, where she closes the doors as the title for the special appears. Everyone starts murmuring]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Now, then-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[bursts into the church again, briefly]'' Da-da-da-da! Bitch Puddin'. Blam! ''[runs off; later that night, she is playing a shooter video game, where she is taking out several in-game enemies]'' Yeah! Suck it.
:''[Bitch Pudding's game avatar approaches a villager character]''
:'''Villager''': You have saved my village!
:''[Bitch Pudding's game avatar shoots the villager dead]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': You mean &quot;my&quot; village! ''[a rumble of thunder is heard as Bitch Pudding's house experiences a power outage and the TV screen dies]'' Aw!
:''[As more rumbles of thunder are heard, a mysterious hooded figure appears behind an unsuspecting Bitch Pudding, revealed by the illumination of lightning outside. The figure is seen first holding a knife, then an axe, then a pistol, and then finally a baseball bat, which the figure uses to club Bitch Pudding in the head-she grunts and falls unconscious]''
:''[To be continued...]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Part 2 starts]''
:''[A few hours later]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Augh. Where?
:'''The Mailbird''': Oh, sounds like my cargo just woke up!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hey! You're that damn bird that delivers our mail.
:'''The Mailbird''': You bet your feathers. But tonight, I'm gettin' paid to make a special delivery. Neither rain nor sleet nor snow will keep your ass out of that volcano. Adios, Bitch Pudding. ''[Bitch Pudding, however, is trying to escape from him]'' Glurk! Ooh! Aah!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': You flying turd! Who hired you?
:'''The Mailbird''': You kill me, we both die.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Good point, jazz cloth. But, on the other hand.
:'''The Mailbird''': Ow! ''[falls]'' Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[falls]'' Ohhhhhhhh!!! ''[Bleeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Ow! Ow! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Ow! Oh! Ow! Oh! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeeeeeeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Oh, ''[bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Mother''[bleep]''ing mother''[bleep]'' er! Ow! Ow! ''[Bleep]'' me! Oh, God! ''[Bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''! ''[hits the tree]'' Ow! ''[Bleep]''! Ohhh! ''[BLEEEEEEEP]''!!!!!
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding opens her eyes to see the Schlorps]''
:'''Schlorp 1''': Who is she?
:'''Schlorp 2''': Grandpappy will know.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Please, stop talking. Your voice is irritating as ''[bleep]''!
:'''Schlorp 2''': How rude!
:'''Schlorp 3''': Well, she's not wrong.
:'''Schlorp 4''': Who is that?
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Welcome to Schlorptown, stranger! We are the Schlorps. And my name is Grandpappy Schlorp.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Are you in charge of this sh*thole?
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': You see anyone else with a beard around here?
:'''Schlorp 2''': We should Schlorp the &quot;Get to know you&quot; song!
:''[Everyone laughs and the peppy music plays]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed]'' No.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪If you get to know me,♪
:♪Then I'll get to know you!♪
:♪Once you're in the group,♪
:♪You're a friend through-and-through!♪
:'''Fishing Pole Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Fishing Pole Schlorp and I catch all the fish!♪
:'''Basketball Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Basketball Schlorp watch this!♪
:'''Schlorps''': Swish!
:'''I.B.S. Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm I.B.S. Schlorp!♪
:♪You'll find me on the stalls♪
:'''Wintertime Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Wintertime Schlorp♪
:♪I'm sweating off my balls?
:'''Chinese Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm a Schlorp who come from China.♪
:'''Miss Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Miss Schlorp with a vagina!♪
:'''Kazoo Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm a Schlorp who plays kazoo♪
:'''Kung Fu Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm a Schlorp who wants Kung Fu!♪ ''[accidentally karate chops on the schlorp]'' So sorry!
:'''Schlorps''': ''[singing]'' ♪So how about the stranger?♪
:♪Tell us all about you!♪
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[grabs Banjo Schlorp's banjo to play it, but swears]'' ♪Shut the ''[bleep]'' u-u-up!!!♪
:''[Discordant note plays. She breaks the banjo and a fishing pole, while kicking a basketball far away. Afterwards, she gets angry to make the Schlorps feel shockingly bad]''
:'''I.B.S. Schlorp''': ''[his stomach growls]'' Oh, god! I'm not gonna make it. I'm not gonna make it. I'm not gonna make it. ''[craps himself]'' Aw. I didn't make it.
:''[Meanwhile, Grandpappy Schlorp tries to create a cast to Bitch Pudding's broken arm]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Ow, you old bastard!
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': There you go. Good as new. Ah, Schlorpette. Is that the Schlorp nut soup for our guest?
:'''Schlorpette''': Yes, but this is the last of our Schlorp nuts. They're all gone.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Aww. The last of the Schlorp nuts. And with winter on its way.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': This tastes like moose dick! I got to go home! Some asshole tried to kill me, so that asshole's gonna get my boot up his asshole.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': With the Schlorp nuts gone, our village faces starvation. You see, the nuts were stolen by the evil squirrel wizard on one tree hill.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Phhhhhhht!
:'''Schlorpette''': It was called that before the show.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': This squirrel sounds like a pissy.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Then perhaps we can make a deal. Bring our nuts home and we help get your butt home.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Uuuuuuuugh! ''[knocks the door]''
:'''Trevor''': ''[arrives]'' Who dares disturb the sa-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blam! ''[attacking Trevor to death]'' Haungh, haungh, hungh! Lick my taco, Squirrel Wizard. Give those dicks their nuts back!
:'''Schlorpette''': Bitch Pudding! That's not the Squirrel Wizard!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Huh? Who the hell is it?
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Trevor? Trevor?! Oh, my god! Trevor!
:'''Schlorpette''': His life partner.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Yuh-oh.
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Rrrrrrrrrrah!
:'''Schlorpette''': Aaaaaah!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Squirrel alert! Squirrel alert!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Rrrrrrrrrgh!
:'''All''': Ohh!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': ''[starts attacking the Schlorps]'' Suck on this! Suck on this! Suck on this!
:'''Schlorp 2''': Ow! Ooh! Ow!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Can't stay. Gotta go. Blam. ''[leaves]''
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Stay and fight, coward!
:'''Schlorp 1''': Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai!
:''[To be continued...]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Part 3 starts]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Whew. Safe. ''[witnessing the Squirrel Wizard using magic spells to murder the Schlorps]'' Oh, ''[bleep]''! They're getting massacred! Who cares about those purple peckers? They never should have trusted me. Or...Or helped me?
:'''Narrator''': And at that moment, Bitch Pudding's heart grew three sizes bigger. Uh, metaphorically. You know, you'll just have to take my word for it.
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Die, you miserable Schlorps! And when you meet God, slap that motherfucker in the face, because existence is nothing but his cruel joke on all of us!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Sorry, spunk-sponge! The Schlorps are under my protection! ''[a mutilated Schlorp coughs up blood and dies]'' Uh starting now! ''[starts to fight against the Squirrel Wizard]''
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Ooh!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blick! ''[still fighting with him]'' Oh!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Suck it!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Oh! Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam! Blaaaam!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Aaah! For Trevor! Punch! Punch!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blam! Blam! Ba-ba-ba-blam! ''[knocks the Squirrel Wizard to the ground]''
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Ugh! Trevor! My fuzzy little angel! ''[Bitch Pudding takes his magic wand]'' Just do it! End me! Use any death spell you choose! Just say the magic words and end my pain!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Abracadabra. ''[stabs the Squirrel Wizard through the head with his wand, finally killing him]'' Eat ''[bleep]''.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': ''[walks into frame, horrified by this scene]'' My Schlorps, gone. All gone.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': As your champion, a eulogy is probably in order. ''[clears throat; Grandpappy Schlorp gives a nod to another Schlorp]'' What can be said- ''[is knocked out by a Schlorp with a baseball bat from behind]'' Ow!
:''[A few hours later]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up and finds out she is in a biplane]'' Huh? Where? What?
:'''Pilot Schlorp''': On behalf of &quot;''[Bleep]'' You Airlines,&quot; go ''[bleep]'' yourself.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[falls]'' Aaaaaaaaagh! Oooooh! Unh! Unh! Unh! ''[lands]'' I-I I'm home. ''[suddenly spots a carnival in Pastryville celebrating her supposed death]'' What the ''[bleep]''?
:'''Pastryville Citizen 1''': Toss Bitch Pudding in the volcano and win a prize!
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Volcano-fried Bitch Pudding on a stick!
:'''Buttermilk Biscuits''': I hate you, Bitch Puddin'!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[turns around to see a mural of her being dropped into the volcano by the mail-delivery bird]'' They were all in on it! The whole town tried to kill me?!
:''[Cut to the church, where the Pastryville citizens sing a hymn]''
:'''Pastryville Citizens''': ''[singing]'' ♪She made our lives a living hell♪
:♪So nasty and so mean♪
:♪And when Bitch Pudding hit the lava♪
:♪You should have heard her scream♪
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': The first annual &quot;Bitch Pudding Is Dead&quot; Festival has been a rousing success! For generations to come, we will- ''[sniffs]'' Hey, guys, do you smell smoke?
:''[Everyone finds that the church is on fire, they all scream]''
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Oh, ''[bleep]''! The door won't open! ''[a Pastryville citizen runs by on fire, screaming. The others attempt to break the church door down]'' All together, now.
:'''Everyone''': One! Two! Three! Oh! Oh!
:''[Upon bursting out, they find Bitch Pudding, alive and well, and holding a minigun in front of them]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blam. ''[as revenge, she guns down every last citizen. A bloodied, mortally wounded Raspberry Parfait grabs onto Bitch Pudding with her last dying ounces of strength]'' Remember when I said I'd shoot you last?
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': I have absolutely no memory of that.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Must have been a fantasy I had when I was masturbating!
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': ''[Bleep]'' you, Bitch Pudding... ''[falls over and dies; Bitch Pudding surveys the dead bodies as heavy metal music plays]''
:''[One day later, Bitch Pudding is seen leaving Pastryville]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': So that's my story. I probably should have done a voiceover through the whole thing, but I didn't feel like it. Now, the only question is what does the future hold?
:''[A car arrives, driven by Nick Fury of the Avengers]''
:'''Nick Fury''': Bitch Pudding. You have become a part of a larger Universe.
:''[Credits; when it ends, Bitch Pudding is seen having stolen Nick Fury's car, driving away]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Da-da-da-da! Blam!
:'''Nick Fury''': What a bitch.

===Batman Forever 21 [7.17]===
:''[Nana is sitting alone, tied to her doghouse at the doorstep of the Darling house]''
:'''Peter Pan''': Off to Neverland!
:'''Michael''': Come on, Nana. ''[grabs Tinker Bell and sprinkles pixie dust all over Nana]''
:''[Nana starts to rise, but gets tangled in the rope and dies]''
:'''Peter Pan and the Children''': ''[in the distance]'' YAAAY!

===The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's [7.18]===
:'''Bionic-1''': Family, after nearly killing you on a ski trip to the Himalayas, I saved our lives by giving each of you bionic implants. Let's use these cool, new powers as the Bionic Six!
:''[The children cheer]''
:'''Mother-1''': Uh, hun, maybe we should be thankful we're alive and not...
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC SIX!
:'''IQ''': Open wide!
:'''Rock-1''': You just got eighty-Bionic-Sixed!
:'''Sports-1''': ''[bat cracking]'' Dad, turns out hitting homers isn't a superpower-AAH! ''[gets riddled with bullets]''
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC FIVE!
:'''Mother-1''': Eric?!
:'''Bionic-1''': Uh, his codename is Sports-1.
:'''Mother-1''': He was our son, and now he's dead! You asshole! We're getting a divorce.
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC FOUR!
:'''Karate-1''': WAA- ''[also gets riddled with bullets]''
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC THREE!
:'''IQ''': You killed my brother! ''[crushes Rock-1]''
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC TWO!
:'''IQ''': ''[crying]'' We never had any training... ''[crushes himself]''
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC ONE!
:'''BIONIC-1''': Only now do I see that bionics solve nothing...GUH! ''[gets riddled with bullets]''
:'''Announcer''': I AM OUT OF WORK!

===Chipotle Miserables [7.19]===
:'''Announcer''': From the makers of &quot;Les Misérables&quot;, comes another story about a prisoner in need of redemption.
:''[Hamburglar enters a courtroom, with Ronald McDonald as the judge]''
:'''Hamburglar''': ♫ Have mercy, my lord. I'm not a man of violence. I stole Big Mac's to feed my fami- ♫
:'''Ronald McDonald''': SILENCE! ♫ From this day on to bring you shame, Your crime, Hamburglar, shall be your name! ♫
:'''Hamburglar''': NOOOOOO!
:'''Ronald McDonald''': ♫ Yes, that's your name. There's no way to escape this. And you're French Fry Killer and you're the Nugget Rapist. ♫
:''[Cuts to Birdie inside of a McDonald's kitchen with Ronald McDonald]''
:'''Announcer''': A poultry in need of hope.
:'''McDonald's Employees''': ♫ By the time the day ends, this one will do nicely. Cause, a bird on the grill, is worth two in the hat. ♫
:'''Birdie''': ♫ You're supposed to be a friend, to all in McDonaldland. ♫
:'''Ronald McDonald''': ♫ You're a food that I serve fried, to billions worldwide. So, you kind of should've seen this coming. ♫
:'''McDonald's Employees''': ♫ By the time the day ends. ♫ ''[carry her out]''
:'''Birdie''': NOOOOO!
:''[Cuts to Birdie in a McDonald's kitchen, all her feathers plucked]''
:'''Announcer''': Every performance, riveting.
:'''Birdie''': ♫ I had a dream that I would be, more than a nugget made for dipping. ♫
:''[Cuts to Hamburglar, with Birdie's egg]''
:'''Hamburglar''': ♫ I promise I will save your child, and keep her here among the living. ♫
:'''Birdie''': ♫ There's so much hope in my hear- ♫
:''[A McDonald's Employee decapitates Birdie with a meat cleaver]''
:'''Hamburglar''': Oh, GOD!
:''[A McDonald's Employee throws Birdie's body in a pot of boiling oil]''
:'''Announcer''': Every line of dialogue sung.
:'''Hamburglar''': Now, who will rise?! ''[crowd mumbles; coughs]'' I mean. &quot;♫ Who will rise?! ♫&quot;
:''[The crowd cheers and engages in a war against the McDonald's Employees. A McDonald's Employee drinks Happy Meal Drink]''
:'''Happy Meal Drink''': No! Please stop sucking!
:''[A McDonald's Employee bites Mayor McCheese]''
:'''Mayor McCheese''': No! No! No! No! No! Aaaaahhhhhh!
:'''Hamburglar''': ''[stabs a McDonald's Employee, and holds up a McDonald's flag]'' Robble Robble!
:'''Announcer''': Les Misérobble Robble.
:''[The words &quot;Les Misérobble Robble&quot; appear along with Hamburglar]''

===The Robot Chicken Lots of Holidays But Don't Worry Christmas is Still In There Too so Pull the Stick Out of Your Ass Fox News Special [7.20]===</text>
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      <timestamp>2022-07-27T04:36:35Z</timestamp>
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        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
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      <comment>/* The Robot Chicken Lots of Holidays But Don't Worry Christmas is Still In There Too so Pull the Stick Out of Your Ass Fox News Special [7.20] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
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      <text bytes="68169" xml:space="preserve">===G.I. Jogurt [7.01]===
:''[At the Emmy Awards, a G.I. Joe PSA of Roadblock talking to two children is shown on the big screen]''
:'''Roadblock''': I don't know why a 7-year-old would need to deep fry a turkey, but know you know how.
:'''Children''': And knowing is half the battle.
:''[The PSA ends with the &quot;G.I. Joe&quot; jingle]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Be a Turkey on Thanksgiving&quot;.
:''[The G.I. Joes clap, and Duke kisses Scarlett before he heads up with Roadblock to collect their award, while COBRA Commander and Destro watch on from the cheap seats]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': Look at them, Destro. The Joes churn out pedestrian advice to dead-eyed children, and the public eats it up! ''[mocking the Joes]'' &quot;Hey, kids, don't play with fallen electrical lines.&quot; ''[normal voice]'' Reads like a dispatch from the no-shit clinic.
:'''Destro''': I'll get the nerve gas.
:'''COBRA Commander''': No, you fool. We'll beat them at their own game. ''[clenching his fist]'' We'll create our own PSAs!
:''[Cut to COBRA Commander, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, and the Crimson Twins in the briefing room at COBRA Headquarters]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': OK, OK, let's just throw some ideas out there. This is a safe creative place. Dr. Mindbender, go.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Well, I thought our PSA could communicate an idea non-verbally. I've discovered that painting directly on celluloid creates a sort of &quot;tone poem&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Holy ''[bleep]'', that's sounds terrible. I'm sorry, safe place, but holy shit, that was fucking dumb. Next!
:'''Baroness''': ''[enters the room]'' Oh, I forgot you guys were in here writing. I was just looking for a hammer to hang my degree in screenwriting from Aberdeen. Anything I can do for you while I'm in here? ''[looks at him]'' Destro?
:'''Destro''': She's actually really funny, you guys.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Hey, you lost me at &quot;She's&quot;. ''[Bleep'' it! We're doing it without a script.
:''[Cut to the set of COBRA's PSAs, as Destro supervises, Storm Shadow is having his makeup done by one COBRA soldier, and two more soldiers move a camera. Dr. Mindbender enters the set with a group of children]''
:'''Destro''': Dr. Mindbender, you found four young children for our PSAs.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Uh, yes. ''[puts his arms around the children]'' That is what these kidnapped children are for.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[talking to Storm Shadow, who is reading his lines]'' OK, Storm Shadow, these two children will be running with scissors. Now, this upsets you, and you...
:'''Storm Shadow''': Why?
:'''COBRA Commander''': It's dangerous to run with scissors.
:'''Storm Shadow''': I run with Katana. Is that not dangerous?
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow, I hadn't thought of that. Excellent point, Storm Shadow. ''[whispers to Tomax]'' Get this piece of ''[bleep]'' off my set!
:''[One of the children runs past, giggling while running with scissors, but ends up getting killed by Storm Shadow]''
:'''Storm Shadow''': Well, COBRA Commander, it looks like I owe you an apology.
:''[First COBRA PSA: Serpentor telling children about using supplies only at the post office]''
:'''Serpentor''': So, remember, only take supplies if you'll use them for post office business. Any other use is a felony.
:'''Boy''': Now I'm aware.
:'''Serpentor''': ''[putting his arms around the children and smiling]'' And awareness is the second 50% of the conflict in question. ''[beat]'' Somebody say ''[bleep]''ing &quot;Cut&quot;!
:''[Second COBRA PSA: COBRA Commander tells children about the joys of reading]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': And I think you'll find it's not hard to read when you take the time to sssssssssound it out. ''[both children giggle]'' Oh, yesss, I've got a sssmall ssspeech impediment. ''[both children laugh; irritated]'' It'sss not funny! ''[removes his mask, as the children scream and run away, only for the Commander to shoot them dead]'' Shut. It. Down.
:''[At the next Emmy Awards...]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Star in a COBRA PSA&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[shaking his fist]'' What?!
:'''Destro''': ''[shouting over to the troops]'' Pump the nerve gas!

===Link's Sausages [7.02]===
:''[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are standing in the street]''
:'''Tommy Pickles''': ''[holding his Reptar doll]'' Well, after crossing the freeway, base jumping off a cliff, and dodging bullets in a gang war, we finally found my Reptar doll.
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enters the street, finding the babies]'' Tommy! What are you doing in the street?!
:''[Cut to the Pickles' house]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, thank God! They've been lost for hours! Where were they?
:'''Didi Pickles''': Stu, a word?  ''[they walk into the kitchen, their voices get muffled as they talk with the door shut]'' What the ''[bleep]'', Stu?!
:'''Stu Pickles''': Well, I'm sorry. The babies escaped, and I-
:'''Didi Pickles''': Escaped?! They're babies, you sackless moron!
:'''Stu Pickles''': I was downstairs, working on a new toy, and they just-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, a new toy! Never mind, then!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[tearing up]'' Didi, if you keep ridiculing my work, I-I swear to God-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enraged]'' What?! You'll hit me?! Ooh, you're such a man!
:''[Thudding and crashing are heard as Didi violently beats Stu offscreen]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': Didi, stop!
:'''Didi Pickles''': I'll be the man! See, Stu?! I'm the man!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[sobbing]'' I want a divorce!
:''[The babies look devastated as the screen cut to static]''

===Secret of the Booze [7.03]===
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf shaving his beard in his house]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': I don't usually get involved in day-to-day operations, so I'm smurfing undercover. They'll never smurf it's me. ''[chuckles; takes off his pants]'' Ohh, I haven't smurfed these things off in nearly 300 years! Talk about crotch rot!
:''[Title Card: Undercover Smurf Boss]''
:'''Farmer Smurf''': So, you're my new intern, huh?
:'''Papa Smurf''': That's right, Farmer Smurf. Teach me to care about your sad, little life...I mean your noble and fulfilling, uh, career choice.
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Well, Smurfs are a thirsty bunch, so we got to smurf them fresh milk every day!
:''[A giant caterpillar slithers in and turns onto its side, revealing its udders]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[being filmed]'' We've been drinking CATERPILLAR MILK?! ''[milks the giant caterpillar, his hands getting sore]'' Oh, this is agony. It feels like my hands are gonna smurf off!
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Yep, my carpal tunnel got so bad, they had to fuse my wrist bones in place!
:'''Papa Smurf''': But our healthcare is smurfy, right?
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Eh, my deductible is 2,000 smurfberries.
:'''Papa Smurf''': WHAT?! ''[cash register dings]''
:''[Title Card: 1 Smurfberry = 1.78 USD]''
:''[Scene cuts to the Smurf Hospital. Doctor Smurf packs his medical bag]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': Doctor Smurf, why are deductibles so high?
:'''Doctor Smurf''': Boy, you smurf a lot of uppity questions for an intern. Uh, just treat the next patient while I go for a Jamba Juice run in my gold-plated helicopter.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Actually, I'm not really qualified.
:''[Outside the window, Doctor Smurf takes off in his gold-plated helicopter. Door opens, Smurfette and Handy Smurf enter the room]''
:'''Smurfette''': We need Doctor Smurf! Handy had an accident!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Did someone get a sliver? ''[Handy shows his bleeding hand, missing all of his fingers]'' OH MY SMURFING GOD!!!
:'''Handy Smurf''': I sawed right through a load-bearing mushroom! Half our building materials are fungus! Oh, trade school didn't prepare me for this!
:'''Smurfette''': You can smurf his fingers, right, nurse?
:'''Papa Smurf''': I'll certainly try. ''[being filmed]'' I certainly tried.
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf sewing Handy's fingers while Handy lies dead on the table]''
:'''Smurfette''': ''[crying]'' You can probably stop sewing.
:'''Papa Smurf''': No, no, no. I-I'm gonna get this. ''[walks up to Grouchy Smurf]'' So, Grouchy Smurf, how's the coffee today?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate coffee!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh! Okay. But how do you like working here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate working here.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh, goodness. Okay. Well, is there anything that maybe Papa Smurf could do?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate Papa Smurf!
:'''Papa Smurf''': All right, what exactly do you do around here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I-I hate stuff?
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[puts on his red hat]'' I'm being deadly serious.
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I...I... ''[cuts to him, shoveling dog poop outside]'' I hate shoveling dog ''[bleep]''.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Well, now that's actually an appropriate reaction. Carry on, dog-''[bleep]'' Smurf! ''[leaves]''
:''[More dog poop falls from above, next to Grouchy]''

===Rebel Appliance [7.04]===
:'''Lion-O''': My fellow Thundercats! When danger is near, I shall hold the Sword of Omens aloft and yell out a battle cry
:'''Cheetara''': What shall our battle cry be, Lion-O?
:'''Lion-O''': &quot;Thunder, thunder, thunder, thundercats, I need you because evil is near, and we are friends, and we are a team. So we must come together and fight because the Eye of Thundera is in the sky, and it is summoning everyone together. So please come here Panthro and Tygra and Panthro and also Cheetara and also Wilykit and Wilicat and also Snarf. I think I said Panthro twice. I won't do that every time. Yes, we are the Thundercats. This is our battle cry. I love you guys. You are my best friends, and I am Lion-O and I am a Thundercat, and you guys are Thundercats too. Mumm Ra is not a Thundercat, he's bad and we're gonna win against him, because we are the Thundercats, and the Thundercats are here for you today because we are the Thundercats yeah, I'm Lion-O&quot;. I hope you write that down.
:'''Snarf''': I liked it. ''[Wilykat slaps him]'' OW!

===Legion of Super-Gyros [7.05]===
:''[With Grover and Oscar the Grouch]''
:'''Grover''': Oh boy, it sure is a great day here on Sesame Street!
:'''Oscar''': Yeah, especially since we're the last neighborhood in New York that hasn't been gentrified.
:'''Grover''': Until today, because our special guest is Hannah Horvath from the marginally popular but ignored in the flyover states HBO series, Girls!
:'''Hannah''': Hey, do you know where I could find a cocaine dealer/organic Vietnamese taco truck around here?
:'''Oscar''': ''[Bleep]'' me! ''[gets back inside his trash can]''
:'''Hannah''': ''[feels Grover]'' Ooh, you're so cute! ''[later that night]'' I really love how you don't play games, Grover.
:'''Grover''': Oh but I play lots of games, patty cake, and marco polo...Ugh!
:'''Hannah''': ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jacking off]'' Insult my parents! Oh yeah!
:'''Grover''': Woah! ''[scene cuts to him and Hannah learning about numbers with apples]'' Today, we are going to learn about the number 3, I have 3 apples!
:'''Hannah''': And I know 3 girls who were date raped at the same bar on 6th street.
:'''Grover''': That is sad. ''[Hannah eats the apple]'' Uh...you're eating my props.
:'''Hannah''': I'm proud of my body.
:'''Grover''': I know, I know.
:'''Hannah''': Ugh! Yeah! ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jerking off again]''
:'''Grover''': Oh, God!

===El Skeletorio [7.06]===
:'''Crypt Keeper''': Oh, hello! I was just enjoying the latest best &quot;heller&quot;! ''[laughs evilly, but then rips off book cover]'' This is actually Dan Brown's &quot;Inferno.&quot; It's a piece of shit. Our next tale is something of an &quot;alle-gory&quot;! You might say it's a &quot;meta-gore&quot;! Let's just roll it.
:''[Cuts to the outside of Bitch Pudding's house, where the title of the sketch appears. We cut to inside the hpuse, where Bitch Pudding is sleeping]''
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out. Get out of the house. Get out of the hou-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Why don't you get your tongue out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole so I can jam your mama's ''[bleep]'' up there, you ''[bleep]''-gargling pile of monkey spunk? Nothing to say now, huh?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': There's just a lot to unpack there.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Well, wake me up when you figure it out, ''[bleep]'' stick. ''[goes back to sleep]''
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding goes to her fridge when she sees the chairs and flower pot of her table are now completely deformed]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed, she flips them over and destroys them]'' BLAM! Where's your ''[bleep]''-ass art project now, ''[bleep]'' nut?
:'''Ghostly voice''': It wasn't supposed to be art, it was supposed to scare you! God! Forget it! I'm leaving! ''[cuts to Strawberry Shortcake's house, where she is sleeping]'' Strawberry Shortcake!
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': ''[wakes up]'' Huh? What?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out of the house!
:''[A red substance begins to ooze out of the walls, causing Strawberry Shortcake to scream in fear]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[breaks in through the window]'' Hey, ''[bleep]''ing clown, if you're ragging so bad, why don't you take your mama's tampon out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole and lick it clean before you shove it up your ''[bleep]''?!
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Hey, stop talking about my dad's ''[bleep]''hole! I'll-I'll leave town, okay? Oh, FYI, that isn't blood, that is strawberry jam, m'lady. The insulation is leaking. All I did was turn the painting upside down. Live with it.
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': Do you think he was right about the insulation? That could be berry expensive.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hmm, let's see. That depends on whether I give a ''[bleep]'', ''[bleep]'' tits! ''[make a fanfare noise]'' Bitch Pudding! BLAM! ''[jumps out the window]''
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': I should really move.

===Snarfer Image [7.07]===
:''[Ticking, cuts to Elmer Fudd in a field]''
:'''Elmer Fudd:'' ''[narrating]'' Time travel has not been invented yet, ''[cocks his gun]'' but in 30 years, it will be. ''[gunshot]'' In the future, TV networks don't awwow cartoons to have guns, so if they want to kill someone, they send them back here to me. My name is Elmer Fudd, and I'm a Wooper. ''[Title Card: Wooper]'' The only wule is never let your target escape, even if your target is you.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': ''[appears in the field]'' What are you waiting for? Shoot me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': What?!
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': In the future, they don't let me have a gun! That was my one dimension as a character! Know what I did yesterday? I slept for 15 hours and then beat it to a Weader's Digest! Help me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': I can't.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': Come on, give it to me. ''[crying]'' Pleeeease. ''[gunshot]''
:'''Yosemite Sam''': ''[appears in the field]'' I'll have what he's having. ''[gunshot]''
:''[Cuts to Porky Pig on the Looney Tunes circles. The words &quot;That's all, folks!&quot; appear in front]''
:'''Porky Pig''': Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-...That's all, folks! ''[gunshot]''

===Up, Up, and Buffet [7.08]===
:'''Fiona''': The spell has broken! This was my true form all along! I can't wait to marry you, Shrek!
:'''Shrek''': Marry you?
:'''Fiona''': Well, yeah! Since we look the same now, we'll live happily ever after!
:'''Shrek''': Fiona, every morning, I look at myself in the mirror, and I wish my mother had the courage to throw me in the river when I was born. Then I make my way to the putrid swamps, the only place on God's green Earth a monster like me feels at home. Sometimes, children gather to scream at me. &quot;Monster!  Animal!&quot;, they yell. Then someone screams, &quot;Kill yourself!&quot; and it takes a few seconds to realize the voice is coming from my own mouth! By then, I've made my way to the old hanging tree. Before I have time to think about it, I'm wrapping a vine around my own neck. It goes &quot;tot&quot; and I pray to the gods that this time, the vine will hold! But alas, everyday, I wake up in my own filth and I lie there and I cry. I cry because I'll live to see my face again! So nay, marrying a lass with a face as hideous as my own is not on my to-do list!
:'''Fiona''':''[with her mouth full]'' Have you tried these mini cheeseburgers? They're great! ''[sees Shrek hanging from a noose, and to Shrek's disappointment, the noose snaps]''

===Panthropologie [7.09]===
:''[Caption: LEGO City, 2014]''
:'''Wife''': Honey, look out! Cliche!
:'''Gerry''': Huh? ''[all screaming]'' What's happening?!
:'''Cop''': Kre-O! They're everywh- Aah! ''[gets torn apart by the Kre-O's]''
:'''Wife''': There's something wrong with them. They look like us but different!
:'''General''': ''[lands in the helicopter]'' This way! Hurry! Your life has more value than other people! ''[the Lanes get onto the helicopter]'' Gerry, we need your expertise!
:'''Gerry''': My expertise? I'm not a soldier!
:'''General''': Gerry, we need a lawyer.
:''[Title Card: WORLD WAR B (as in blocks)]''
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': Put simply, Gerry, we're being invaded by imitation blocks.
:'''Assistant''': Off-brand products with a taste for LEGO blood!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': They're nearly identical but different. Wrong. Like when you sit on your hand until it goes to sleep. You try to pretend Flo from the Progressive commercials is giving you an HJ, but you know it's not Flo. You know that! She'd never be so clumsy, so artless.
:'''General''': That's impossible! We're trademarked!
:'''Gerry''': No, general. LEGO bricks aren't protected by trademark. They're protected by patent.
:'''General''': Hell, man, what's the difference?
:'''Gerry''': The difference is...patents expire! Cool! Someone turned that legal document into a GIF. That's fun.
:'''General''': Isn't it &quot;jiff&quot;? Anyway, how do we stop it?
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': There's nothing we can do. ''[whispering]'' Don't worry, Flo. I'll protect you.
:'''Assistant''': Don't worry, girl from the Wendy's commercials.
:'''General''': Don't worry, GEICO gecko.
:''[Cut to the map]''
:'''Gerry''': ''[narrating]'' They covered the whole globe in no time: Mega Bloks, Kre-O, Best-Lock, CoCo, BanBao, Rokenbok, Super Blocks, and Leggo with two g's, which was especially insulting.
:''[Caption: Lego Headquarters, Denmark]''
:''[Zombies groaning]''
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' LEGO my baby, LEGO my honey, LEGO my ragtime gal...
:'''Son''': Daddy, are we safe?
:'''Gerry''': Of course we are, son. People are singing, aren't they? Ugh. That is the lowest form of music.
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' ...Honey, you'll lose me, then you'll be left alone...
:''[Zombies groaning loudly]''
:'''Gerry''': The terrible singing! They're attracted to the terrible singing! ''[the zombies start climbing over the walls. Gerry knocks out the quartet. Soldiers start shooting]'' Ohh! - Ow! Fire! Fire! They're too fast!-Ohh!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': ''[runs in with the syringe]'' Gerry, I've found a way to camouflage ourselves!
:'''Gerry''': That beats my solution. ''[acts out shooting zombies, and then acts out shooting himself]'' Pew pew! Pew pew! Pew!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': LEGOs are machined to a tolerance of 10 micrometers! That's why we're so expensive! But this serum will make us look cheaper and sloppier! ''[injects himself]'' Aah! ''[turns into a Playmobil figure]'' We look like them now!
:'''Gerry''': I'd rather die.
:'''Son''': ''[notices something]'' What?! They have Transformers?
:'''Gerry''': No, son! No!
:'''Son''': Aah! ''[Bumblebee rips him in half]''
:'''Gerry''': Nooooooo!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': You probably don't even want to go on living now.
:'''Gerry''': Huh? Oh, that was just a kid from my wife's first marriage. But that looked really painful. Hit me with the juice! ''[gets injected]'' Ugh! ''[the serum transforms him into...]'' No! You turned me into a ''[bleep]''ing DUPLO! It's the same company as LEGO, you fool! Aah! Aah! ''[Mrs. Lane and the Doctor run away whilst DUPLO Gerry gets his head ripped off]'' Guys, is this ending working? Let's re-shoot it.
:''[Zombies murmuring]''

===Catdog on a Stick [7.10]===
:'''Executive''': You sure you wanna do a movie, Tiger?
:'''Tiger''': I want to be beloved again, like before I had sex with all those waitresses from IHOP. Jordan did Space Jam. I want my Space Jam.
:'''Executive''': Well, studios aren't lining up to lend their characters to a Tiger Woods movie. Everyone aggressively passed except DiC, but I cannot recommend that.
:''[Cut to the title card for the Golf Jam movie]''
:'''Singers''': Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to Tiger on the golf course]''
:'''Tiger''': Time for a day of playing golf and being faithful to my girlfriend. ''[falls down a large hole]'' What? Whoooooooa!! ''[lands in DiC Land, surrounded by Heathcliff and other DiC characters]'' Ow!
:'''Heathcliff''': Welcome to DiC Land, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[getting up from his fall and waving hello]'' Why, hi, Garfield.
:'''Heathcliff''': I'm Heathcliff. I'm more romantic and have an accent. This is Cleo.
:'''Cleo''': We need your help, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to put my penis in you... ''[snaps back to attention, and looks at the camera]'' I mean, I love my girlfriend.
:'''Cleo''': We brought you here because the evil Dork Punks challenged us to a game of golf.
:'''Tiger''': ''[once again enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to hump your face... ''[flustered]'' I mean, help your face- ''[snaps out of it again]'' Help you, I will help you!
:''[The Dork Punks walk into the shot, as Tiger turns to look at them]''
:'''Dork Punk''': Let's tee off, DiC-heads!
:''[Tiger and Heathcliff look at each other and nod, and we cut to a golf-playing montage. Tiger (now wearing a cap with the DiC logo on it) hits a beautful shot as Heathcliff, Cleo, and a couple of other toons watch. LongArm uses his gauntlet to sink a putt, as Tiger chats up Princess Lana and receives a slap to the face from her. As Cleo prepares to sink her putt, Tiger walks up from behind and starts pretending to hump her. Ja-Kal prepares to take a shot as Armon looks on, but a piece of Armon's gauze is caught on Ja-Kal's club. As Ja-Kal swings, he and Armon both get tied up in Armon's gauze. Tiger is seen in one of the bunkers with Nefer-Tina sitting on top of him, as she unwraps the gauze from her upper body much to Tiger's delight. The montage ends as Tiger is getting ready to sink his final putt, with Cleo and Hammerman watching on]''
:'''Hammerman''': If you sink this putt, we win!
:'''Tiger''': Wish me luck, Bobby Brown.
:'''Hammerman''': Bobby Brown? I'm Hammerman! I'm M.C. Hammer, except not, and I have magic shoes. ''[shows off his magic dancing shoes]''
:'''Tiger''': ''[looks at Cleo]'' You know, I don't even know if I want to save you DiC's. You're just uninspired rehashes of good ideas. Seriously, how cheap is DiC? This is a movie, and you all look like you were drawn on a napkin.
:'''Cleo''': Win the game and I'll blow you.
:''[Upon hearing this, Tiger immediately sinks the putt and wins the game. As the DiC toons celebrate, Tiger unzips his pants and takes a terrified Cleo by the hand into the Pancake House for his well-earned blowjob]''
:'''Hammerman''': ''[rapping]'' Everybody tee off, get a club in your hands, charisma-free sex addict saving DiC Land! Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to black with the bold white text &quot;Golf Jam was rented once from Redbox. The copy was returned on time.&quot;]''

===Super Guitaro Center [7.11]===
:'''Shredder''': The &quot;Channel 6 News Masquerade Ball&quot; is the opportunity for me to kidnap April O'Neil. She's the perfect bait to catch the turtles. ''[surprised to see April's costume]'' Wow! Out of that bulky lesbian jumpsuit, she's hot as ''[bleep]''!
:'''April''': Care to dance, Mr. Potter?
:'''Shredder''': WHAT?! ''[cuts to Shredder dancing with April]'' And, what's your costume?
:'''April''': Belle from &quot;Beauty and The Beast&quot;, but a dick-slut.
:'''Shredder''': Is your favorite restaurant, Taco &quot;Belle&quot;?
:''[Both laugh]''
:'''April''': You are hilarious.
:'''Shredder''': On the count of 3, say your favorite band. 1, 2, 3!
:'''Shredder and April''': Toad the Wet Sprocket! ''[pause, they both kiss]''
:'''April''': ''[feels the blade, and gasped]'' Wait. Are you-
:'''Shredder''': In love? Yes. WHAT?! Bye! ''[leaves]''
:'''April''': ''[realizing]'' Shredder?
:''[Cut to Shredder with April outside her apartment after the party]''
:'''Shredder''': Think of something poetic, Oroku. ''[to April]'' But soft, you are total boner food!
:'''April''': Oh, Shredder. My heart doesn't take sides.
:'''Shredder''': People won't approve.
:'''April''': No one can keep us apart.
:''[They both kiss again. Then cuts to the sewer]''
:'''Raphael''': Aww, Hell to the No! ''[punches a brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''April''': We're soul mates! We both love Toad the Wet Sprocket.
:'''Michelangelo''': Toad the-What?! Is that a sex thing?! Have you guys had sex?!
:'''April''': No. Just dry humping, and ball play.
:'''Raphael''': Ball play?! ''[punches the same brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''Splinter''': You must stay away from Shredder, April. He is dangerous. Sleep here tonight. Donatello, grab the guest pillows.
:''[Donatello grabs pizza boxes which are the guest pillows, and puts them on the couch. Later while everyone's asleep, Shredder comes up from behind the couch to see April]''
:'''April''': ''[gasps]'' What are you doing here?
:'''Shredder''': I came to say &quot;Hi&quot;, ''[lays down next to her]'' and also have sex after the whole &quot;Hi&quot; thing.
:'''April''': It's like Six Flags Hurricane Harbor in my panties right now. ''[they both kiss again. Later, we see her and Shredder outside the manhole]'' Mmm, Mmm. You really Toadied my Wet Sprocket. When will I see you again?
:'''Shredder''': Soon, I hope. I should go before the turtles wake up. Plus, I have some major ExtenZe farts coming on. ''[farts]''
:''[Next morning while April was having her breakfast]''
:'''Donatello''': April, just go on one date with Casey. He's a good guy.
:'''April''': Casey is a jobless loser in sweats! ''[walks away]''
:'''Casey''': Good start to my morning.
:'''[Cut to April with the Rat King]''
:'''April''': So, I left. What should I do, Mr. Rat King? I belong with Shredder.
:'''Rat King''': I have an idea! And my idea involves you taking a lot of poison very quickly.
:'''April''': ''[pause, interested]'' Go on?
:''[Cut to April playing dead]''
:'''Shredder''': ''[shocked]'' It can't be! April?! NO!!!! WHY?!?! ''[accidentally hits April with his spikes]''
:'''April''': ''[wakes up in pain]'' Ow! Ow! Ow! What the ''[bleep]''?! Shredder!
:'''Shredder''': April! You're alive!
:'''April''': The poison only made me appear dead. Didn't you read &quot;Romeo and Juliet&quot;, you ''[bleep]''ing ass clown? ''[gags and dies]''
:'''Shredder''': NOOOOOOO!!!!!! ''[a few seconds of silence]'' Just gonna take my Toad the Wet Sprocket bootleg back. ''[takes his CD back, and leaves]''

===Noidstrom Rack [7.12]===
:'''Picard''': ''[dozing in the captain's chair on the bridge of the Enterprise]'' What's that Beverly? You want Wesley to watch? Hmm, make it so! ''[jerks awake]'' Oh, 2300 hours, time for the night crew to relieve us! ''[moves to leave the bridge, as Captain Jake enters]'' Captain.
:'''Captain Jake''': Capitan! ''[the Enterprise bridge crew file out, as their night crew replacements enter]'' Night crew, maintain course. ''[cut to the Enterprise moving through space]'' Space, the final frontier! These are the 11pm to 7am voyages of the Enterprise's night crew. Its continuing mission...is to PAR-TAY! ''[starts drinking from a beer can as the night crew cheer]''
:'''Night Crew''': Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! [A Borg cube appears on the view screen]
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Captain Jake, a Borg cube is hailing us.
:'''Captain Jake''': They probably want us to turn down our jams...Fat chance!
:'''Borg Drone''': Lower your shields, your culture will adapt to service us.
:'''Captain Jake''': You want us to service you?
:'''Borg Drone''': Affirmative. You will service the Borg, all night if needed! ''[Commander LaFreak sniggers. The Borg Drone looks unamused]'' Wait! Our hive mind has assimilated double entendres- real mature, guys! Prepare for assimilation! ''[the Borg cube begins to shoot at the Enterprise with its lasers]''
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Our shields won't last long, sir! Should we wake up the bald guy?
:'''Captain Jake''': ''[opens another can of beer]'' No way, Commander LaFreak! We'll beat the Borg like we beat that frat on Gallos 7!
:'''Commander LaFreak''': We'll sell naked photos of their girlfriends at a pie-eating contest?
:'''Captain Jake''': What?! No! Like any frat, the Borg share a hive mind, man. If we get one Borg to party, all Borg will party! Night crew, prepare to rock out with our Spocks out! ''[the night crew beam across to the Borg cube]'' Anybody order a partygram? ''[the night crew start playing music and drinking with the Borg drones in the cube. He pulls out a bottle of champagne to a female Borg drone]'' Wet t-shirt contest! ''[opens the champagne bottle on the female drone, who doesn't react even when he douses her chest]'' Oh right, no shirt...you want mine? ''[removes his Captain's jumper, just as the Borg drone he talked to advances on him]'' Whoa, chill out, dude! Wait, is she your daughter?
:'''Borg Drone''': Enough! Partying is futile! ''[jabs Captain Jake with its injection tubes, only to recoil. Captain Jake grins]'' Your blood, so full of beer! Your party, so hearty! ''[grabs a cup of beer from a Klingon night crew member and chugs it]'' Woo-hoooo! ''[the rest of the Borg join the drone and the night crew in partying]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Now this, I can assimilate! ''[he and the drone hug]''
:''[Cut to the Borg cube drawing a giant cock on a planet with its lasers. Cut to an awards ceremony on the bridge of the Enterprise]''
:'''Starfleet Admiral''': Captain Jake, Starfleet thanks you for defeating the Borg. ''[hangs a medal around Captain Jake's neck]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Bitchin'!
:'''Picard''': ''[fuming]'' NIGHT CREEEEEEWWWWW! ''[everyone looks round nervously, until he grins]'' Beer me! ''[the night crew cheer and Jake tosses Picard a can]'' You glorious sons of bitches!

===Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13]===
:''[The Disney Princess Castle is shown]''
:'''Snow White''': ''[from inside]'' Welcome to the Princess Summit, ''[cut to inside]'' where we address the complex political issues facing our kingdoms.
:'''Rapunzel''': Hairstyles.
:'''Cinderella''': Talking pets.
:'''Tiana''': Hairstyles for our talking pets.
:'''Ariel''': Crabs. ''[everyone looks at her in disgust]'' I've got crabs.
:'''Snow White''': Well, isn't that just, um...and where is our newest princess?
:'''Merida''': ''[enters, carrying a dead boar dripping with blood]'' Ach! Sorry I'm late. I killed a boar on the way here.
:'''Aurora''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, you're so feminist and empowered. Great.
:'''Merida''': ''[laying boar on the table and gutting it]'' 'Ey, wee beastie! Have we got to grievances yet? A bunch of wee dwarves are illegally mining me territory.
:'''Snow White''': Oh, Merida, you have far bigger problems. Let me tell you about them.
:'''Merida''': Not a damn song.
:'''Snow White''': ''[singing]'' Here's a list of things to drop;
:Your accent, bow, that tangled mop.
:Fifteen pounds from off your hips
:Those ginger afros 'neath your pits
:And no prince will want to mingle
:With a girl with no hit single.
:''[Cinderella, Aurora, and Ariel hold up gold records]''
:'''Cinderella''': ''[spoken]'' And your pet's hair is a disaster.
:'''Merida''': That's me mother! She's a bear! The trailer was very misleading! ''[holds the knife to Snow White's neck''] I came here looking for justice; instead, I found treachery. Prepare yourself for war. ''[Leaves]''
:'''Mulan''': ''[following Merida]'' Someone finally said it! See you on the killing field, round-eyes. ''[leaves]''
:'''Belle''': Amen, sister. ''[leaves]''
:'''Tiana''': Stuck-up bitches!
:''[Rapunzel follows. The remaining princesses look on. We transition to the next scene where Snow White is preparing her army for war against Merida's army]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, that Merida! I'll show her. ''[out the window]'' Send in my war counsel. ''[a cute Disney-esque bird flies up to the windowsill]'' What shall I do, little one?
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Core that bitch like an apple.
:'''Snow White''': Oh my.
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Weave a tapestry of their intestines.
:'''Snow White''': Okay, okay, I get it, I get it. We need weapons.
:'''Cinderella''': I've got a guy.
:''[The Fairy Godmother appears]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, good idea. We'll fight them with magic.
:'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[laying bag of assault weapons on table]'' Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo, that's twenty grand.
:'''Princesses''': Ooh, wow!
:'''Ariel''': Do you need thingamabobs? I've got thingamabobs.
:'''Jasmine''': Nobody cares about the dildo collection you dredged up from the Atlantic, you fishy bitch. ''[Ariel runs away crying]'' Anyone else have cold tits?
:''[We cut to Merida's training grounds]''
:'''Merida''': All right, ladies. Show me what you've got.
:'''Rapunzel''': ''[whips the practice dummy with her hair, dismembering it, then strangling it]'' I finally found the perfect conditioner— ''[pops the dummy's head off]'' blood!
:'''Louis''': ''[shooting arrows and missed the target]'' Oh, curse these stubby arms.
:'''Merida''': You're an alligator. Be an alligator!
:''[Louis turns to Mushu, who is standing beside him]''
:'''Mushu''': Oh, wait! Don't...!
:'''Louis''': ''[eats Mushu]'' Oh! I'm so sorry!
:'''Mulan''': No, no, it was...it was a good kill.
:''[Cut to Snow White's army, ready for their coming battle]''
:'''Snow White''': Not all of us will live to wish upon a star tonight, but we give our lives for a greater good.
:'''Aurora''': ''[yawning]'' Oh dear, I think I'm getting sleepy. I might have to sit this one out, guys.
:'''Snow White''': Don't you pull that shit now!
:'''Aurora''': Just teasing.
:''[An arrow fired by an off-screen Merida strikes Aurora in the throat, killing her instantly]''
:'''Merida''': ''[with her army at the top of a hill]'' Bring me the scalp and/or weave of Snow White! Charge!
:''[The armies charge at each other]''
:'''Jasmine''': I will show you a world of death!
:''[They meet in the middle, where Ariel, now a mermaid, has brought an atomic bomb]''
:'''Ariel''': Look, everyone! I brought my thingamabob! My weapons-grade thingamabob!
:'''Cinderella''': Oh, you just don't know what words are. That's your thing.
:''[The bomb starts beeping, indicating its imminent detonation]''
:'''Princesses''': ''[realizing]'' Ahh! Run away! Run away! ''[running away from the bomb]''
:'''Sebastian''': ''[pops up from behind the bomb, singing]'' Bend over and grab your ankles!
:''[The bomb explodes, completely obscuring the scene with smoke and ash, until it dissipates, revealing that the explosion has eradicated almost everything, leaving nothing but a barren wasteland]''
:'''Merida''': ''[wounded, trudges by]'' Me mother's a bear.
:''[Tinkerbell arrives, then shoots her in the head with a gun, winks, and leaves]''

===Walking Dead Lobster [7.14]===
:''[We start on a gradient aquamarine-blue background, where the Gullah Gullah Island logo rolls in]''
:'''Announcer''': And now, back to Gullah Gullah Island!
:''[We cut to Ron and Natalie's house, where everyone plays Leapfrog with. Two policemen, one blonde and the other with brown hair, arriving at the front door]''
:'''Ron''': ''[jumps over Shaina and Binyah-Binyah]'' This sure is fun, Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': Binyah-Binyah! Have fun, too!
:''[The policemen knock on the door]''
:'''Ron''': I'll get it. ''[opens the door to show the policemen]''
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Hello, sir. We've investigated a tip. A criminal might be in the area; he's robbed a bank and shot three policemen.
:'''Ron''': Oh, no! Well, there's nobody here but me, my wife, our three children, and our man-sized pet polliwog.
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Yeah-no, no, no, that's a man in a frog suit.
:'''Natalie''': ''[incredulous]'' What?! No, he's just a giant polliwog we rescued.
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Where did you find him?
:'''Vanessa''': Oh, behind an amphibious animal costume shop!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': I'm gonna need him out of that frog suit by the count of three. ''[pulls out a pistol]'' One...
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': ''[raises both arms in the air as the Alstons stare in shock]'' Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Two...
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': ''[scared, waving arms]'' Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Three!
:'''Frogman''': ''[screams and strips out of costume, making the Alstons cover their eyes from seeing his nude lesion-covered body]'' No! Don't shoot!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': ''[still points pistol with other officer]'' Down on the ground, Frogman!
:'''Natalie''': ''[disgusted]'' What's on his skin?!
:'''Frogman''': Sores, you dumbass! From wearing that polliwog costume for four months straight! ''[is handcuffed by the blonde policeman and pulled out of the house]'' Binyah-Binyah! Binyah-Binyah!
:''[The brown-haired policeman clubs Frogman on the back of his head to knock him out, ending the sketch''

===Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15]===
:'''Peter Pan''': Fly with me, to Neverland! ''[flies out of the window with the Darling children]''
:'''Mary Darling''': ''[arrives with her husband too late]'' Children, no!
:''[Scene cuts to Neverland]''
:'''Peter Pan''': These are the Lost Boys. They're not vampires. ''[phone rings from inside a tree; curiously]'' We have a phone? ''[picks up the receiver]'' Hello?
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[on the phone]'' I don't know who you are. ''[cut to him with George and Mary]'' I don't know what you want. I don't know why you dress like...
:'''Mary Darling''': A gay Robin Hood.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Like a gay Robin Hood. I have a very particular set of skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. By which I guess I mean, flying gay Robin Hoods.
:''[Cut to Peter]''
:'''Peter Pan''': Good luck finding Neverland, grandpa. ''[hangs up and leaves]''
:''[Cut back to Bryan, George, and Mary]''
:'''George Darling''': Oh, what's he saying?
:'''Bryan Mills''': He's saying, &quot;Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...&quot;
:'''Mary Darling''': That's the dial tone.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Dial tone? ''[hangs up]'' Well, this is a very old phone. ''[to George and Mary]'' He's holding your children in what I presume is an underground sex club called Neverland.
:'''George Darling''': Oh thank goodness, you do security work for bankers like myself, Mr. Mills, but how will you reach the children? They were flying!
:'''Mary Darling''': I think I heard them say something about thinking happy thoughts.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Happy thoughts, eh? ''[imagining himself in the thought bubble, grabbing Peter Pan and throwing him on a step]''
:'''Peter Pan''': No! No! Please!
:''[Bryan crushes Peter's head destroying his face, the thought bubble vanishes]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': Whoo hoo, off I go! ''[flies through the roof]''
:''[Scene cuts to Neverland, Bryan kills the Lost Boys, except Slightly, who turns around and sees the other Lost Boys dead covered in blood]''
:'''Slightly''': ''[farts]'' I just pooped in my tail!
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[holding Slightly at knifepoint]'' Where are the children?!
:''[Slightly farts again before we cut to Wendy and the mermaids]''
:'''Wendy''': I've never meet real live mermaids before.
:'''Mermaid''': ''[laughs]'' That's so fun! Lets drown this bitch! ''[grabs Wendy by her arms]''
:'''Wendy''': No, please, no! ''[opens her eyes to see the mermaids dead]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[wearing the seashell bra]'' Wendy, where are your brothers?
:'''Wendy''': There! On the pirate ship!
:''[Cut to the Pirate ship where John and Michael are cornered by Captain Hook]''
:'''Captain Hook''': Time for these little chickadees to walk the plank! ''[laughs]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[near the dead pirates]'' Tick-tock, time's up! ''[kicks Captain Hook, who falls while screaming into the crocodile's mouth]'' I'm taking you home, children.
:'''Peter Pan''': ''[arrives with Tinkerbell]'' Not so fast, you old codfish! ''[Tinkerbell flies up to Bryan taunting him, Bryan uses his shoe to squash her]'' Tink! Oh, good luck getting home without her fairy dust, asshole!
:'''Bryan Mills''': Why would I want to leave when my happy thoughts are about to come true?
:'''Peter Pan''': Your what? ''[Bryan grabs him and throws him to a step]'' Oh! No! NO! ''[Bryan crashes his head with his foot before his shadow comes out]''
:'''Wendy''': Okay, but seriously man, how the ''[bleep]'' are we getting home?!
:'''Bryan Mills''': Hang on. ''[grabs Peter's shadow and throws it on the same step]''
:'''Peter's shadow''': No, no, wait! ''[screams as Bryan crushes its head in black blood with his foot]''

===Bitch Pudding Special [7.16]===
:''[Part 1 starts, as a funeral for Granny Graham Crackers is taking place at the Strawberryland Church; Raspberry Parfait is speaking at the podium]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Even on cloudy days, Pastryville always had a ray of sunshine. And her name was Granny Graham Crackers. Remember when she knit your favorite scarf, Black Cherry Pie?
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': ''[caressing her scarf fondly]'' I wear it everyday, Raspberry Parfait.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': And Fudge Turnover, remember when she fixed you leaky roof?
:'''Fudge Turnover''': She got heat-stroke and fell into the hedges.
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': ''[indignant]'' While you watched Tango and Cash on Netflix!
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Yes! While I watched Tango and Cash on Netflix.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': And Buttermilk Biscuits, I remember when Granny drove all the way to the big city to get-
:'''Buttermilk Biscuits''': ''[gesturing towards her neck]'' No. Nope. Mnh-mnh.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Your...tonsils out?
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Yeah, your unborn tonsils.
:''[Black Cherry Pie scowls at him]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': ''[clears her throat]'' Now then if there are no more speakers? ''[no one says a word, to her relief]'' Great! Then, in conclusion- ''[But Bitch Pudding opens the door just then. Everyone is shocked. Bitch Pudding walks up to the podium, lightly shoving her out of the way]'' W-We were just wrapping up here, Bitch Pudding.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[grabs the microphone and begin to speak in her calm southern accent]'' I remember Granny. ''[the audience is still dumbfounded]'' I remember her smile. ''[the audience looks relieved]'' I remember how much she loved baking sugar cookies. ''[wipes a tear from her eye]''
:'''All''': ''[react happily]'' Ahh!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': But most of all, I remember... ''[giving a angry rant]'' her rank-ass old-lady farts.
:''[Everyone gasps in shock]''
:''[Raspberry Parfait'': ''[facepalming]'' Oh, God.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': This bitch had no sense of smell, no sense of hearing, so all day long, she was like &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbhhhhhht!&quot;
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Okay. ''[chuckles]'' That's enough-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[pushes Raspberry Parfait and continues]'' And when you're a hundred years old, I guess panties are just an afterthought. I mean, raise your hand if you never saw Granny airing out the Ark of the Covenant! ''[while she’s talking, Raspberry Parfait does the hand signal to turn the camera off, but she then mouths &quot;What the?&quot; Everyone gasps and groans]'' I hope Granny is in heaven, but she had a gambling addiction, so Satan might be doing her up the butt. ''[Everyone gasps again]'' Knock twice if Satan's doing you up the butt, Granny. ''[in Granny's voice]'' I love it up the butt from Satan, everybody! ''[in Satan's voice]'' You rule, Granny! Ha ha! ''[begins humping the coffin; the others gasp and groan in shock once more]'' Now hit my ''[bleep]''ing theme song!
:''[Music plays in the style of “The Trooper” by Iron Maiden, as Bitch Pudding walks down the aisles where she steals an audience member's apple and takes a single bite before giving it to German Chocolate Cake and out of the church, where she closes the doors as the title for the special appears. Everyone starts murmuring]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Now, then-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[bursts into the church again, briefly]'' Da-da-da-da! Bitch Puddin'. Blam! ''[runs off; later that night, she is playing a shooter video game, where she is taking out several in-game enemies]'' Yeah! Suck it.
:''[Bitch Pudding's game avatar approaches a villager character]''
:'''Villager''': You have saved my village!
:''[Bitch Pudding's game avatar shoots the villager dead]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': You mean &quot;my&quot; village! ''[a rumble of thunder is heard as Bitch Pudding's house experiences a power outage and the TV screen dies]'' Aw!
:''[As more rumbles of thunder are heard, a mysterious hooded figure appears behind an unsuspecting Bitch Pudding, revealed by the illumination of lightning outside. The figure is seen first holding a knife, then an axe, then a pistol, and then finally a baseball bat, which the figure uses to club Bitch Pudding in the head-she grunts and falls unconscious]''
:''[To be continued...]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Part 2 starts]''
:''[A few hours later]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Augh. Where?
:'''The Mailbird''': Oh, sounds like my cargo just woke up!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hey! You're that damn bird that delivers our mail.
:'''The Mailbird''': You bet your feathers. But tonight, I'm gettin' paid to make a special delivery. Neither rain nor sleet nor snow will keep your ass out of that volcano. Adios, Bitch Pudding. ''[Bitch Pudding, however, is trying to escape from him]'' Glurk! Ooh! Aah!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': You flying turd! Who hired you?
:'''The Mailbird''': You kill me, we both die.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Good point, jazz cloth. But, on the other hand.
:'''The Mailbird''': Ow! ''[falls]'' Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[falls]'' Ohhhhhhhh!!! ''[Bleeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Ow! Ow! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Ow! Oh! Ow! Oh! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeeeeeeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Oh, ''[bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Mother''[bleep]''ing mother''[bleep]'' er! Ow! Ow! ''[Bleep]'' me! Oh, God! ''[Bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''! ''[hits the tree]'' Ow! ''[Bleep]''! Ohhh! ''[BLEEEEEEEP]''!!!!!
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding opens her eyes to see the Schlorps]''
:'''Schlorp 1''': Who is she?
:'''Schlorp 2''': Grandpappy will know.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Please, stop talking. Your voice is irritating as ''[bleep]''!
:'''Schlorp 2''': How rude!
:'''Schlorp 3''': Well, she's not wrong.
:'''Schlorp 4''': Who is that?
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Welcome to Schlorptown, stranger! We are the Schlorps. And my name is Grandpappy Schlorp.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Are you in charge of this sh*thole?
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': You see anyone else with a beard around here?
:'''Schlorp 2''': We should Schlorp the &quot;Get to know you&quot; song!
:''[Everyone laughs and the peppy music plays]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed]'' No.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪If you get to know me,♪
:♪Then I'll get to know you!♪
:♪Once you're in the group,♪
:♪You're a friend through-and-through!♪
:'''Fishing Pole Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Fishing Pole Schlorp and I catch all the fish!♪
:'''Basketball Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Basketball Schlorp watch this!♪
:'''Schlorps''': Swish!
:'''I.B.S. Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm I.B.S. Schlorp!♪
:♪You'll find me on the stalls♪
:'''Wintertime Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Wintertime Schlorp♪
:♪I'm sweating off my balls?
:'''Chinese Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm a Schlorp who come from China.♪
:'''Miss Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Miss Schlorp with a vagina!♪
:'''Kazoo Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm a Schlorp who plays kazoo♪
:'''Kung Fu Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm a Schlorp who wants Kung Fu!♪ ''[accidentally karate chops on the schlorp]'' So sorry!
:'''Schlorps''': ''[singing]'' ♪So how about the stranger?♪
:♪Tell us all about you!♪
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[grabs Banjo Schlorp's banjo to play it, but swears]'' ♪Shut the ''[bleep]'' u-u-up!!!♪
:''[Discordant note plays. She breaks the banjo and a fishing pole, while kicking a basketball far away. Afterwards, she gets angry to make the Schlorps feel shockingly bad]''
:'''I.B.S. Schlorp''': ''[his stomach growls]'' Oh, god! I'm not gonna make it. I'm not gonna make it. I'm not gonna make it. ''[craps himself]'' Aw. I didn't make it.
:''[Meanwhile, Grandpappy Schlorp tries to create a cast to Bitch Pudding's broken arm]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Ow, you old bastard!
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': There you go. Good as new. Ah, Schlorpette. Is that the Schlorp nut soup for our guest?
:'''Schlorpette''': Yes, but this is the last of our Schlorp nuts. They're all gone.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Aww. The last of the Schlorp nuts. And with winter on its way.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': This tastes like moose dick! I got to go home! Some asshole tried to kill me, so that asshole's gonna get my boot up his asshole.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': With the Schlorp nuts gone, our village faces starvation. You see, the nuts were stolen by the evil squirrel wizard on one tree hill.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Phhhhhhht!
:'''Schlorpette''': It was called that before the show.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': This squirrel sounds like a pissy.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Then perhaps we can make a deal. Bring our nuts home and we help get your butt home.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Uuuuuuuugh! ''[knocks the door]''
:'''Trevor''': ''[arrives]'' Who dares disturb the sa-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blam! ''[attacking Trevor to death]'' Haungh, haungh, hungh! Lick my taco, Squirrel Wizard. Give those dicks their nuts back!
:'''Schlorpette''': Bitch Pudding! That's not the Squirrel Wizard!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Huh? Who the hell is it?
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Trevor? Trevor?! Oh, my god! Trevor!
:'''Schlorpette''': His life partner.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Yuh-oh.
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Rrrrrrrrrrah!
:'''Schlorpette''': Aaaaaah!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Squirrel alert! Squirrel alert!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Rrrrrrrrrgh!
:'''All''': Ohh!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': ''[starts attacking the Schlorps]'' Suck on this! Suck on this! Suck on this!
:'''Schlorp 2''': Ow! Ooh! Ow!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Can't stay. Gotta go. Blam. ''[leaves]''
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Stay and fight, coward!
:'''Schlorp 1''': Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai!
:''[To be continued...]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Part 3 starts]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Whew. Safe. ''[witnessing the Squirrel Wizard using magic spells to murder the Schlorps]'' Oh, ''[bleep]''! They're getting massacred! Who cares about those purple peckers? They never should have trusted me. Or...Or helped me?
:'''Narrator''': And at that moment, Bitch Pudding's heart grew three sizes bigger. Uh, metaphorically. You know, you'll just have to take my word for it.
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Die, you miserable Schlorps! And when you meet God, slap that motherfucker in the face, because existence is nothing but his cruel joke on all of us!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Sorry, spunk-sponge! The Schlorps are under my protection! ''[a mutilated Schlorp coughs up blood and dies]'' Uh starting now! ''[starts to fight against the Squirrel Wizard]''
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Ooh!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blick! ''[still fighting with him]'' Oh!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Suck it!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Oh! Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam! Blaaaam!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Aaah! For Trevor! Punch! Punch!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blam! Blam! Ba-ba-ba-blam! ''[knocks the Squirrel Wizard to the ground]''
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Ugh! Trevor! My fuzzy little angel! ''[Bitch Pudding takes his magic wand]'' Just do it! End me! Use any death spell you choose! Just say the magic words and end my pain!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Abracadabra. ''[stabs the Squirrel Wizard through the head with his wand, finally killing him]'' Eat ''[bleep]''.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': ''[walks into frame, horrified by this scene]'' My Schlorps, gone. All gone.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': As your champion, a eulogy is probably in order. ''[clears throat; Grandpappy Schlorp gives a nod to another Schlorp]'' What can be said- ''[is knocked out by a Schlorp with a baseball bat from behind]'' Ow!
:''[A few hours later]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up and finds out she is in a biplane]'' Huh? Where? What?
:'''Pilot Schlorp''': On behalf of &quot;''[Bleep]'' You Airlines,&quot; go ''[bleep]'' yourself.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[falls]'' Aaaaaaaaagh! Oooooh! Unh! Unh! Unh! ''[lands]'' I-I I'm home. ''[suddenly spots a carnival in Pastryville celebrating her supposed death]'' What the ''[bleep]''?
:'''Pastryville Citizen 1''': Toss Bitch Pudding in the volcano and win a prize!
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Volcano-fried Bitch Pudding on a stick!
:'''Buttermilk Biscuits''': I hate you, Bitch Puddin'!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[turns around to see a mural of her being dropped into the volcano by the mail-delivery bird]'' They were all in on it! The whole town tried to kill me?!
:''[Cut to the church, where the Pastryville citizens sing a hymn]''
:'''Pastryville Citizens''': ''[singing]'' ♪She made our lives a living hell♪
:♪So nasty and so mean♪
:♪And when Bitch Pudding hit the lava♪
:♪You should have heard her scream♪
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': The first annual &quot;Bitch Pudding Is Dead&quot; Festival has been a rousing success! For generations to come, we will- ''[sniffs]'' Hey, guys, do you smell smoke?
:''[Everyone finds that the church is on fire, they all scream]''
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Oh, ''[bleep]''! The door won't open! ''[a Pastryville citizen runs by on fire, screaming. The others attempt to break the church door down]'' All together, now.
:'''Everyone''': One! Two! Three! Oh! Oh!
:''[Upon bursting out, they find Bitch Pudding, alive and well, and holding a minigun in front of them]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blam. ''[as revenge, she guns down every last citizen. A bloodied, mortally wounded Raspberry Parfait grabs onto Bitch Pudding with her last dying ounces of strength]'' Remember when I said I'd shoot you last?
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': I have absolutely no memory of that.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Must have been a fantasy I had when I was masturbating!
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': ''[Bleep]'' you, Bitch Pudding... ''[falls over and dies; Bitch Pudding surveys the dead bodies as heavy metal music plays]''
:''[One day later, Bitch Pudding is seen leaving Pastryville]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': So that's my story. I probably should have done a voiceover through the whole thing, but I didn't feel like it. Now, the only question is what does the future hold?
:''[A car arrives, driven by Nick Fury of the Avengers]''
:'''Nick Fury''': Bitch Pudding. You have become a part of a larger Universe.
:''[Credits; when it ends, Bitch Pudding is seen having stolen Nick Fury's car, driving away]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Da-da-da-da! Blam!
:'''Nick Fury''': What a bitch.

===Batman Forever 21 [7.17]===
:''[Nana is sitting alone, tied to her doghouse at the doorstep of the Darling house]''
:'''Peter Pan''': Off to Neverland!
:'''Michael''': Come on, Nana. ''[grabs Tinker Bell and sprinkles pixie dust all over Nana]''
:''[Nana starts to rise, but gets tangled in the rope and dies]''
:'''Peter Pan and the Children''': ''[in the distance]'' YAAAY!

===The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's [7.18]===
:'''Bionic-1''': Family, after nearly killing you on a ski trip to the Himalayas, I saved our lives by giving each of you bionic implants. Let's use these cool, new powers as the Bionic Six!
:''[The children cheer]''
:'''Mother-1''': Uh, hun, maybe we should be thankful we're alive and not...
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC SIX!
:'''IQ''': Open wide!
:'''Rock-1''': You just got eighty-Bionic-Sixed!
:'''Sports-1''': ''[bat cracking]'' Dad, turns out hitting homers isn't a superpower-AAH! ''[gets riddled with bullets]''
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC FIVE!
:'''Mother-1''': Eric?!
:'''Bionic-1''': Uh, his codename is Sports-1.
:'''Mother-1''': He was our son, and now he's dead! You asshole! We're getting a divorce.
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC FOUR!
:'''Karate-1''': WAA- ''[also gets riddled with bullets]''
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC THREE!
:'''IQ''': You killed my brother! ''[crushes Rock-1]''
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC TWO!
:'''IQ''': ''[crying]'' We never had any training... ''[crushes himself]''
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC ONE!
:'''BIONIC-1''': Only now do I see that bionics solve nothing...GUH! ''[gets riddled with bullets]''
:'''Announcer''': I AM OUT OF WORK!

===Chipotle Miserables [7.19]===
:'''Announcer''': From the makers of &quot;Les Misérables&quot;, comes another story about a prisoner in need of redemption.
:''[Hamburglar enters a courtroom, with Ronald McDonald as the judge]''
:'''Hamburglar''': ♫ Have mercy, my lord. I'm not a man of violence. I stole Big Mac's to feed my fami- ♫
:'''Ronald McDonald''': SILENCE! ♫ From this day on to bring you shame, Your crime, Hamburglar, shall be your name! ♫
:'''Hamburglar''': NOOOOOO!
:'''Ronald McDonald''': ♫ Yes, that's your name. There's no way to escape this. And you're French Fry Killer and you're the Nugget Rapist. ♫
:''[Cuts to Birdie inside of a McDonald's kitchen with Ronald McDonald]''
:'''Announcer''': A poultry in need of hope.
:'''McDonald's Employees''': ♫ By the time the day ends, this one will do nicely. Cause, a bird on the grill, is worth two in the hat. ♫
:'''Birdie''': ♫ You're supposed to be a friend, to all in McDonaldland. ♫
:'''Ronald McDonald''': ♫ You're a food that I serve fried, to billions worldwide. So, you kind of should've seen this coming. ♫
:'''McDonald's Employees''': ♫ By the time the day ends. ♫ ''[carry her out]''
:'''Birdie''': NOOOOO!
:''[Cuts to Birdie in a McDonald's kitchen, all her feathers plucked]''
:'''Announcer''': Every performance, riveting.
:'''Birdie''': ♫ I had a dream that I would be, more than a nugget made for dipping. ♫
:''[Cuts to Hamburglar, with Birdie's egg]''
:'''Hamburglar''': ♫ I promise I will save your child, and keep her here among the living. ♫
:'''Birdie''': ♫ There's so much hope in my hear- ♫
:''[A McDonald's Employee decapitates Birdie with a meat cleaver]''
:'''Hamburglar''': Oh, GOD!
:''[A McDonald's Employee throws Birdie's body in a pot of boiling oil]''
:'''Announcer''': Every line of dialogue sung.
:'''Hamburglar''': Now, who will rise?! ''[crowd mumbles; coughs]'' I mean. &quot;♫ Who will rise?! ♫&quot;
:''[The crowd cheers and engages in a war against the McDonald's Employees. A McDonald's Employee drinks Happy Meal Drink]''
:'''Happy Meal Drink''': No! Please stop sucking!
:''[A McDonald's Employee bites Mayor McCheese]''
:'''Mayor McCheese''': No! No! No! No! No! Aaaaahhhhhh!
:'''Hamburglar''': ''[stabs a McDonald's Employee, and holds up a McDonald's flag]'' Robble Robble!
:'''Announcer''': Les Misérobble Robble.
:''[The words &quot;Les Misérobble Robble&quot; appear along with Hamburglar]''

===The Robot Chicken Lots of Holidays But Don't Worry Christmas is Still In There Too so Pull the Stick Out of Your Ass Fox News Special [7.20]===
:And now back to &quot;The Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'hoole&quot; Christmas special.
Who? Who?
[Wings flapping]
Who is watching this program?
[sighs] Man, Christmas gets all the animated specials. I wish someone would do one for the other holidays. That would be so cool. [inhales, yawns] So... cool. [warble!] [groans] Huh?! Aaaaah! Aah! Aah! - He's a maniac! Help! - Both: Huh? Oh! What?! [Panting, crying] Whoops! Unh! What? Oh, boy. [funky, mid-tempo music plays] Ow! Your feet! Yeeow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh, my god! [sneezes] Uh...hey! Ow! Yeow! Yeow! Uh, that's okay. No, thank you. No, no, no. [Chatters] What the [bleep] Unh! Unh! Oh, yeah! I think I love you. Here goes. My New Year's resolution is - to quit drinking! - ... ... ... - Happy New Year! - All: Yay! [Twinkle!] Whoa! You're baby New Year! Did you come here to help me ring in ? No, Jim. I came to talk to you about the promise you made. Remember ... to give up drinking? But I made that resolution seconds ago. It's binding. Hyah! [Screaming] ♪ Baby New Year, resolution enforcer ♪ The Chipmunks' Christmas album went double-mahogany on the charts. So we decided to release a holiday album for - the other holidays. - # Theodore # Take a listen. [mid-tempo music plays] All: # St. Patrick's day is finally here # ♪ time to drink our weight in beer ♪ ♪ sipping green ale from a can ♪ ♪ I think I blew a homeless man ♪ And what's sure to be a halloween classic. All: # hello, people, trick or treat # ♪ I hope you give us something sweet ♪ ♪ give us candy, that's the plan ♪ ♪ I think I blew a homeless man ♪ Uh, Theodore, I think you're repeating the lyric - from St. Patrick's day. - Nope. I blew a homeless man on Halloween also. I was high on candy. - Okay! Well, there's ... - And PCP. There's also a great song for Thanksgiving! All: # hooray, it's finally turkey day # ♪ we'll drink and laugh our cares away ♪ ♪ eat pies of pumpkin and pecan ♪ I probably didn't blow a homeless man...? Theodore, this is a safe place. ♪ Okay, I definitely blew a homeless man ♪ [bells jingle] # He sees you when you're healthy # ♪ he knows when you feel sick ♪ [coughs] # he knows if you've been naughty or nice # ♪ that's right, Santa can't be tricked ♪ All right, let's go over my naughty-and-nice list for this year. Well, Billy Marchetti in Rochester stole a candy bar. Looks like someone is now on my naughty list. But he did it because his family's on welfare and his mom traded all the food stamps for heroin. Oh. Um... Hmm. That's a tough one. ♪ He watches when you're home ♪ ♪ he knows when you're away ♪ ♪ he's also starting to realize ♪ ♪ that life is morally gray ♪ Regina from Nome, Alaska, got an &quot;A&quot; on her math quiz. Well, that's cut-and-dried ... a gift for Regina. - But only because she cheated. - Okay, coal for Regina. Bu-u-u-u-u-u-t... she only cheated on the test because she can't read the blackboard due to the fact - she's dyslexic. - Aghhh! ♪ He's having an existential crisis ♪ ♪ that smug look's wiped off of his face ♪ Guys. Guys, stop. Stop singing. All right? Just ... just stop. I have a lot of things to think about. [wind whistling] Help yourself to some cookies, Sherry. I made them for the whole office. I told myself I wouldn't. But hey, yolo. Unh! ♪ Baby New Year, resolution enforcer ♪ Mother, are you watching over me, like Simba's dad did for him? [echoing] Here I am, Bambi. Oh, wow! Mom! D-Do you have any sage - advice for me? - Yes, my son. The rampant deer population is a real problem. - You have to k*ll yourself. - I-I thought you were gonna tell me, like, I was the one true king or something. No. You're a deer. Deer are meaningless! Meaningless... meaningless. Oh, I wish I had known her, father. - Yes, she was quite wonderful. - Tell me ... what was she like? Unh! Unh! Unh! Yeah! [dolphin squeals] Oh, she was enthusiastic, the most beautiful one in her pod. Oh, that's ... Wait ... pod? What pod? [yiddish accent] Nemo, put on your yarmulke - for your mother. - I don't want to! We're fish! - This is stupid! - Put on your yarmulke, Nemo! I'm tired of your shit! Sh'ma. Fishrael fish adonai... Happy Mother's day from all of us in the Disney family - who've lost our mothers. - Mickey, do you miss - your mama, too? - Ha! No! She ate all my brothers and sisters. Mice are monsters. [lisping] Oh, no. It's Valentine's day, and I have too many dates. Happy Hanukkah, Joshua. Here. I got you lots of Hanukkah gelt. [hip-hop music plays] [rapping] # I got so much Hanukkah gelt # ♪ yo, this musta been how Rockefeller felt ♪ ♪ chocolate money, it ain't even funny ♪ ♪ keep my wallet in the freezer so that shit don't melt ♪ ♪ I walk into the club, and I make it rain ♪ ♪ and now your booty all covered in a chocolate stain ♪ ♪ gelt in my socks, gelt in the banks ♪ ♪ I give gelt to my homies, and they say... ♪ - Together: Thanks! - # I give gelt to the Germans, - and they say... # - Together: Danke! ♪ I got more chocolate than Willy Wonka ♪ ♪ so much gelt, it'll make you sick ♪ ♪ I got more hot cocoa than Ice-T's [bleep] ♪ ♪ so much chocolate, make ya pop ya belt ♪ ♪ ya understand me, mother [bleep] ♪ - # I got so much gelt # - [gasps] Hey! This money's made of chocolate. You owe us grand. Oy gevalt! Happy Memorial day, my smurfs! This is the day on which we honor all the fallen smurfs of smurfs past. Myspace smurf. [bell tolls] Payphone smurf. [bell tolls] Ohhh, &quot;Talk to the hand&quot; smurf. [bell tolls] Michael Dukakis smurf. [bell tolls] I'm sensing a trend here. All of these smurfs were - kind of outdated. - Yes, it is a sad thing when a smurf outlives his usefulness. I mean, dies. Well, did these smurfs die of natural causes? Well, let me think. [twinkle!] Hmm. Doesn't look busy enough. [g*n] [g*n] Ew! Talk to the han... [g*n] [g*n] Yep ... natural causes. You sure about that? [dramatic music plays] Handy smurf ... tonight. He knows too much. Mrrow. [sighs] I swore I'd stop spanking it, but I just can't say no to you, Marjory. Unh! Unh! Unh! Broke your resolution, eh? [choking] - This makes it so much better! - I'm gonna sit this one out. ♪ Baby New Year, resolution enforcer ♪ I love spending these nights together, baby. Just me, you, and the desolation of nature. I love you, St. Nick. [rumbling] What the [bleep] Santa! Mrs. Claus! It is a true honor to meet you. I ... Hey, thanks for blocking our - view, dumbass! - Oh. Sorry. I didn't know your place was here when I threw the crystal. Good thing I didn't hook it, or your house would be in my living room. [laughs] There's a million [bleep] miles of ice up here, and you pick feet from our house for this... - Fortress of solitude. - You built your Fortress of solitude next to the only other house in the entire Arctic?! It'll be nice to have a neighbor. - Would you like some tea? - Another time, ma'am. Duty calls. Up, up, and away! Douche. Blitzen, have you been chewing on my boots again? Oh, god! [sighs] Son of a bitch. I had a fun thought. Why don't you wear - a cape tonight? - What? With an &quot;S&quot; on it. You know ... for &quot;Santa.&quot; [growls] Hello? Homeowners association? Superman's place is so close to mine, I can smell it when he takes a crap. Oh. Fine. Whatever. All right, see if Superman brings your kid that new wheelchair this Christmas. The H.O.A. won't kick him out unless I find just cause, huh? Hmm. What kind of weirdo builds an entire miniature city in a bottle? Ow! Tiny people! We've got tiny superpeople here! What the hell?! Aaaaargh! Ahhh! [techno music plays in distance] [groans] That's it! [slurred] Who the [bleep] are you? Who the [bleep] are you? This party is too g*dd*mn loud! Where's Superman? What the...? - Rudolph? - Huh? - Naw, man. I'm D.J. Venison. - Betrayal! Hey, everyone. Grandpa says we're being too loud. [music stops] [angry murmuring] What?! Which one of you buttholes is sh**ting arrows?! Yaaaaah! - Hello, neighbor! - Suck on this ruling, Tinker Bell! - The H.O.A. says you're out! - Well, the rules are the rules. Guess I should start packing. [laughs] Yeah. You do that. Don't forget to write. Oh, it's gonna be a good day, Martha. No more Superm... What the ... Superma-a-a-a-a-n! I'm sure Santa's out there somewhere, Martha. - I'll look some more ... - Tomorrow. Morning. - Mm! - Ohhh! [warble!] Ehhhhh?! - Oh, boy. - Shh. - Don't speak. - Mnnnnnh! [funky, mid-tempo music plays] [dramatic music plays] Oh! [gasps] - Friend of yours? - [gasps] Ohh!</text>
      <sha1>0cw9mx3ydzz4vnz5nlh4zlxe5an7fcf</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3148020</id>
      <parentid>3148008</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T05:40:52Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Bitch Pudding Special [7.16] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="68747" xml:space="preserve">===G.I. Jogurt [7.01]===
:''[At the Emmy Awards, a G.I. Joe PSA of Roadblock talking to two children is shown on the big screen]''
:'''Roadblock''': I don't know why a 7-year-old would need to deep fry a turkey, but know you know how.
:'''Children''': And knowing is half the battle.
:''[The PSA ends with the &quot;G.I. Joe&quot; jingle]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Be a Turkey on Thanksgiving&quot;.
:''[The G.I. Joes clap, and Duke kisses Scarlett before he heads up with Roadblock to collect their award, while COBRA Commander and Destro watch on from the cheap seats]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': Look at them, Destro. The Joes churn out pedestrian advice to dead-eyed children, and the public eats it up! ''[mocking the Joes]'' &quot;Hey, kids, don't play with fallen electrical lines.&quot; ''[normal voice]'' Reads like a dispatch from the no-shit clinic.
:'''Destro''': I'll get the nerve gas.
:'''COBRA Commander''': No, you fool. We'll beat them at their own game. ''[clenching his fist]'' We'll create our own PSAs!
:''[Cut to COBRA Commander, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, and the Crimson Twins in the briefing room at COBRA Headquarters]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': OK, OK, let's just throw some ideas out there. This is a safe creative place. Dr. Mindbender, go.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Well, I thought our PSA could communicate an idea non-verbally. I've discovered that painting directly on celluloid creates a sort of &quot;tone poem&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Holy ''[bleep]'', that's sounds terrible. I'm sorry, safe place, but holy shit, that was fucking dumb. Next!
:'''Baroness''': ''[enters the room]'' Oh, I forgot you guys were in here writing. I was just looking for a hammer to hang my degree in screenwriting from Aberdeen. Anything I can do for you while I'm in here? ''[looks at him]'' Destro?
:'''Destro''': She's actually really funny, you guys.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Hey, you lost me at &quot;She's&quot;. ''[Bleep'' it! We're doing it without a script.
:''[Cut to the set of COBRA's PSAs, as Destro supervises, Storm Shadow is having his makeup done by one COBRA soldier, and two more soldiers move a camera. Dr. Mindbender enters the set with a group of children]''
:'''Destro''': Dr. Mindbender, you found four young children for our PSAs.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Uh, yes. ''[puts his arms around the children]'' That is what these kidnapped children are for.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[talking to Storm Shadow, who is reading his lines]'' OK, Storm Shadow, these two children will be running with scissors. Now, this upsets you, and you...
:'''Storm Shadow''': Why?
:'''COBRA Commander''': It's dangerous to run with scissors.
:'''Storm Shadow''': I run with Katana. Is that not dangerous?
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow, I hadn't thought of that. Excellent point, Storm Shadow. ''[whispers to Tomax]'' Get this piece of ''[bleep]'' off my set!
:''[One of the children runs past, giggling while running with scissors, but ends up getting killed by Storm Shadow]''
:'''Storm Shadow''': Well, COBRA Commander, it looks like I owe you an apology.
:''[First COBRA PSA: Serpentor telling children about using supplies only at the post office]''
:'''Serpentor''': So, remember, only take supplies if you'll use them for post office business. Any other use is a felony.
:'''Boy''': Now I'm aware.
:'''Serpentor''': ''[putting his arms around the children and smiling]'' And awareness is the second 50% of the conflict in question. ''[beat]'' Somebody say ''[bleep]''ing &quot;Cut&quot;!
:''[Second COBRA PSA: COBRA Commander tells children about the joys of reading]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': And I think you'll find it's not hard to read when you take the time to sssssssssound it out. ''[both children giggle]'' Oh, yesss, I've got a sssmall ssspeech impediment. ''[both children laugh; irritated]'' It'sss not funny! ''[removes his mask, as the children scream and run away, only for the Commander to shoot them dead]'' Shut. It. Down.
:''[At the next Emmy Awards...]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Star in a COBRA PSA&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[shaking his fist]'' What?!
:'''Destro''': ''[shouting over to the troops]'' Pump the nerve gas!

===Link's Sausages [7.02]===
:''[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are standing in the street]''
:'''Tommy Pickles''': ''[holding his Reptar doll]'' Well, after crossing the freeway, base jumping off a cliff, and dodging bullets in a gang war, we finally found my Reptar doll.
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enters the street, finding the babies]'' Tommy! What are you doing in the street?!
:''[Cut to the Pickles' house]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, thank God! They've been lost for hours! Where were they?
:'''Didi Pickles''': Stu, a word?  ''[they walk into the kitchen, their voices get muffled as they talk with the door shut]'' What the ''[bleep]'', Stu?!
:'''Stu Pickles''': Well, I'm sorry. The babies escaped, and I-
:'''Didi Pickles''': Escaped?! They're babies, you sackless moron!
:'''Stu Pickles''': I was downstairs, working on a new toy, and they just-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, a new toy! Never mind, then!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[tearing up]'' Didi, if you keep ridiculing my work, I-I swear to God-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enraged]'' What?! You'll hit me?! Ooh, you're such a man!
:''[Thudding and crashing are heard as Didi violently beats Stu offscreen]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': Didi, stop!
:'''Didi Pickles''': I'll be the man! See, Stu?! I'm the man!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[sobbing]'' I want a divorce!
:''[The babies look devastated as the screen cut to static]''

===Secret of the Booze [7.03]===
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf shaving his beard in his house]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': I don't usually get involved in day-to-day operations, so I'm smurfing undercover. They'll never smurf it's me. ''[chuckles; takes off his pants]'' Ohh, I haven't smurfed these things off in nearly 300 years! Talk about crotch rot!
:''[Title Card: Undercover Smurf Boss]''
:'''Farmer Smurf''': So, you're my new intern, huh?
:'''Papa Smurf''': That's right, Farmer Smurf. Teach me to care about your sad, little life...I mean your noble and fulfilling, uh, career choice.
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Well, Smurfs are a thirsty bunch, so we got to smurf them fresh milk every day!
:''[A giant caterpillar slithers in and turns onto its side, revealing its udders]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[being filmed]'' We've been drinking CATERPILLAR MILK?! ''[milks the giant caterpillar, his hands getting sore]'' Oh, this is agony. It feels like my hands are gonna smurf off!
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Yep, my carpal tunnel got so bad, they had to fuse my wrist bones in place!
:'''Papa Smurf''': But our healthcare is smurfy, right?
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Eh, my deductible is 2,000 smurfberries.
:'''Papa Smurf''': WHAT?! ''[cash register dings]''
:''[Title Card: 1 Smurfberry = 1.78 USD]''
:''[Scene cuts to the Smurf Hospital. Doctor Smurf packs his medical bag]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': Doctor Smurf, why are deductibles so high?
:'''Doctor Smurf''': Boy, you smurf a lot of uppity questions for an intern. Uh, just treat the next patient while I go for a Jamba Juice run in my gold-plated helicopter.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Actually, I'm not really qualified.
:''[Outside the window, Doctor Smurf takes off in his gold-plated helicopter. Door opens, Smurfette and Handy Smurf enter the room]''
:'''Smurfette''': We need Doctor Smurf! Handy had an accident!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Did someone get a sliver? ''[Handy shows his bleeding hand, missing all of his fingers]'' OH MY SMURFING GOD!!!
:'''Handy Smurf''': I sawed right through a load-bearing mushroom! Half our building materials are fungus! Oh, trade school didn't prepare me for this!
:'''Smurfette''': You can smurf his fingers, right, nurse?
:'''Papa Smurf''': I'll certainly try. ''[being filmed]'' I certainly tried.
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf sewing Handy's fingers while Handy lies dead on the table]''
:'''Smurfette''': ''[crying]'' You can probably stop sewing.
:'''Papa Smurf''': No, no, no. I-I'm gonna get this. ''[walks up to Grouchy Smurf]'' So, Grouchy Smurf, how's the coffee today?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate coffee!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh! Okay. But how do you like working here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate working here.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh, goodness. Okay. Well, is there anything that maybe Papa Smurf could do?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate Papa Smurf!
:'''Papa Smurf''': All right, what exactly do you do around here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I-I hate stuff?
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[puts on his red hat]'' I'm being deadly serious.
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I...I... ''[cuts to him, shoveling dog poop outside]'' I hate shoveling dog ''[bleep]''.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Well, now that's actually an appropriate reaction. Carry on, dog-''[bleep]'' Smurf! ''[leaves]''
:''[More dog poop falls from above, next to Grouchy]''

===Rebel Appliance [7.04]===
:'''Lion-O''': My fellow Thundercats! When danger is near, I shall hold the Sword of Omens aloft and yell out a battle cry
:'''Cheetara''': What shall our battle cry be, Lion-O?
:'''Lion-O''': &quot;Thunder, thunder, thunder, thundercats, I need you because evil is near, and we are friends, and we are a team. So we must come together and fight because the Eye of Thundera is in the sky, and it is summoning everyone together. So please come here Panthro and Tygra and Panthro and also Cheetara and also Wilykit and Wilicat and also Snarf. I think I said Panthro twice. I won't do that every time. Yes, we are the Thundercats. This is our battle cry. I love you guys. You are my best friends, and I am Lion-O and I am a Thundercat, and you guys are Thundercats too. Mumm Ra is not a Thundercat, he's bad and we're gonna win against him, because we are the Thundercats, and the Thundercats are here for you today because we are the Thundercats yeah, I'm Lion-O&quot;. I hope you write that down.
:'''Snarf''': I liked it. ''[Wilykat slaps him]'' OW!

===Legion of Super-Gyros [7.05]===
:''[With Grover and Oscar the Grouch]''
:'''Grover''': Oh boy, it sure is a great day here on Sesame Street!
:'''Oscar''': Yeah, especially since we're the last neighborhood in New York that hasn't been gentrified.
:'''Grover''': Until today, because our special guest is Hannah Horvath from the marginally popular but ignored in the flyover states HBO series, Girls!
:'''Hannah''': Hey, do you know where I could find a cocaine dealer/organic Vietnamese taco truck around here?
:'''Oscar''': ''[Bleep]'' me! ''[gets back inside his trash can]''
:'''Hannah''': ''[feels Grover]'' Ooh, you're so cute! ''[later that night]'' I really love how you don't play games, Grover.
:'''Grover''': Oh but I play lots of games, patty cake, and marco polo...Ugh!
:'''Hannah''': ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jacking off]'' Insult my parents! Oh yeah!
:'''Grover''': Woah! ''[scene cuts to him and Hannah learning about numbers with apples]'' Today, we are going to learn about the number 3, I have 3 apples!
:'''Hannah''': And I know 3 girls who were date raped at the same bar on 6th street.
:'''Grover''': That is sad. ''[Hannah eats the apple]'' Uh...you're eating my props.
:'''Hannah''': I'm proud of my body.
:'''Grover''': I know, I know.
:'''Hannah''': Ugh! Yeah! ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jerking off again]''
:'''Grover''': Oh, God!

===El Skeletorio [7.06]===
:'''Crypt Keeper''': Oh, hello! I was just enjoying the latest best &quot;heller&quot;! ''[laughs evilly, but then rips off book cover]'' This is actually Dan Brown's &quot;Inferno.&quot; It's a piece of shit. Our next tale is something of an &quot;alle-gory&quot;! You might say it's a &quot;meta-gore&quot;! Let's just roll it.
:''[Cuts to the outside of Bitch Pudding's house, where the title of the sketch appears. We cut to inside the hpuse, where Bitch Pudding is sleeping]''
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out. Get out of the house. Get out of the hou-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Why don't you get your tongue out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole so I can jam your mama's ''[bleep]'' up there, you ''[bleep]''-gargling pile of monkey spunk? Nothing to say now, huh?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': There's just a lot to unpack there.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Well, wake me up when you figure it out, ''[bleep]'' stick. ''[goes back to sleep]''
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding goes to her fridge when she sees the chairs and flower pot of her table are now completely deformed]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed, she flips them over and destroys them]'' BLAM! Where's your ''[bleep]''-ass art project now, ''[bleep]'' nut?
:'''Ghostly voice''': It wasn't supposed to be art, it was supposed to scare you! God! Forget it! I'm leaving! ''[cuts to Strawberry Shortcake's house, where she is sleeping]'' Strawberry Shortcake!
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': ''[wakes up]'' Huh? What?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out of the house!
:''[A red substance begins to ooze out of the walls, causing Strawberry Shortcake to scream in fear]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[breaks in through the window]'' Hey, ''[bleep]''ing clown, if you're ragging so bad, why don't you take your mama's tampon out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole and lick it clean before you shove it up your ''[bleep]''?!
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Hey, stop talking about my dad's ''[bleep]''hole! I'll-I'll leave town, okay? Oh, FYI, that isn't blood, that is strawberry jam, m'lady. The insulation is leaking. All I did was turn the painting upside down. Live with it.
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': Do you think he was right about the insulation? That could be berry expensive.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hmm, let's see. That depends on whether I give a ''[bleep]'', ''[bleep]'' tits! ''[make a fanfare noise]'' Bitch Pudding! BLAM! ''[jumps out the window]''
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': I should really move.

===Snarfer Image [7.07]===
:''[Ticking, cuts to Elmer Fudd in a field]''
:'''Elmer Fudd:'' ''[narrating]'' Time travel has not been invented yet, ''[cocks his gun]'' but in 30 years, it will be. ''[gunshot]'' In the future, TV networks don't awwow cartoons to have guns, so if they want to kill someone, they send them back here to me. My name is Elmer Fudd, and I'm a Wooper. ''[Title Card: Wooper]'' The only wule is never let your target escape, even if your target is you.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': ''[appears in the field]'' What are you waiting for? Shoot me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': What?!
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': In the future, they don't let me have a gun! That was my one dimension as a character! Know what I did yesterday? I slept for 15 hours and then beat it to a Weader's Digest! Help me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': I can't.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': Come on, give it to me. ''[crying]'' Pleeeease. ''[gunshot]''
:'''Yosemite Sam''': ''[appears in the field]'' I'll have what he's having. ''[gunshot]''
:''[Cuts to Porky Pig on the Looney Tunes circles. The words &quot;That's all, folks!&quot; appear in front]''
:'''Porky Pig''': Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-...That's all, folks! ''[gunshot]''

===Up, Up, and Buffet [7.08]===
:'''Fiona''': The spell has broken! This was my true form all along! I can't wait to marry you, Shrek!
:'''Shrek''': Marry you?
:'''Fiona''': Well, yeah! Since we look the same now, we'll live happily ever after!
:'''Shrek''': Fiona, every morning, I look at myself in the mirror, and I wish my mother had the courage to throw me in the river when I was born. Then I make my way to the putrid swamps, the only place on God's green Earth a monster like me feels at home. Sometimes, children gather to scream at me. &quot;Monster!  Animal!&quot;, they yell. Then someone screams, &quot;Kill yourself!&quot; and it takes a few seconds to realize the voice is coming from my own mouth! By then, I've made my way to the old hanging tree. Before I have time to think about it, I'm wrapping a vine around my own neck. It goes &quot;tot&quot; and I pray to the gods that this time, the vine will hold! But alas, everyday, I wake up in my own filth and I lie there and I cry. I cry because I'll live to see my face again! So nay, marrying a lass with a face as hideous as my own is not on my to-do list!
:'''Fiona''':''[with her mouth full]'' Have you tried these mini cheeseburgers? They're great! ''[sees Shrek hanging from a noose, and to Shrek's disappointment, the noose snaps]''

===Panthropologie [7.09]===
:''[Caption: LEGO City, 2014]''
:'''Wife''': Honey, look out! Cliche!
:'''Gerry''': Huh? ''[all screaming]'' What's happening?!
:'''Cop''': Kre-O! They're everywh- Aah! ''[gets torn apart by the Kre-O's]''
:'''Wife''': There's something wrong with them. They look like us but different!
:'''General''': ''[lands in the helicopter]'' This way! Hurry! Your life has more value than other people! ''[the Lanes get onto the helicopter]'' Gerry, we need your expertise!
:'''Gerry''': My expertise? I'm not a soldier!
:'''General''': Gerry, we need a lawyer.
:''[Title Card: WORLD WAR B (as in blocks)]''
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': Put simply, Gerry, we're being invaded by imitation blocks.
:'''Assistant''': Off-brand products with a taste for LEGO blood!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': They're nearly identical but different. Wrong. Like when you sit on your hand until it goes to sleep. You try to pretend Flo from the Progressive commercials is giving you an HJ, but you know it's not Flo. You know that! She'd never be so clumsy, so artless.
:'''General''': That's impossible! We're trademarked!
:'''Gerry''': No, general. LEGO bricks aren't protected by trademark. They're protected by patent.
:'''General''': Hell, man, what's the difference?
:'''Gerry''': The difference is...patents expire! Cool! Someone turned that legal document into a GIF. That's fun.
:'''General''': Isn't it &quot;jiff&quot;? Anyway, how do we stop it?
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': There's nothing we can do. ''[whispering]'' Don't worry, Flo. I'll protect you.
:'''Assistant''': Don't worry, girl from the Wendy's commercials.
:'''General''': Don't worry, GEICO gecko.
:''[Cut to the map]''
:'''Gerry''': ''[narrating]'' They covered the whole globe in no time: Mega Bloks, Kre-O, Best-Lock, CoCo, BanBao, Rokenbok, Super Blocks, and Leggo with two g's, which was especially insulting.
:''[Caption: Lego Headquarters, Denmark]''
:''[Zombies groaning]''
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' LEGO my baby, LEGO my honey, LEGO my ragtime gal...
:'''Son''': Daddy, are we safe?
:'''Gerry''': Of course we are, son. People are singing, aren't they? Ugh. That is the lowest form of music.
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' ...Honey, you'll lose me, then you'll be left alone...
:''[Zombies groaning loudly]''
:'''Gerry''': The terrible singing! They're attracted to the terrible singing! ''[the zombies start climbing over the walls. Gerry knocks out the quartet. Soldiers start shooting]'' Ohh! - Ow! Fire! Fire! They're too fast!-Ohh!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': ''[runs in with the syringe]'' Gerry, I've found a way to camouflage ourselves!
:'''Gerry''': That beats my solution. ''[acts out shooting zombies, and then acts out shooting himself]'' Pew pew! Pew pew! Pew!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': LEGOs are machined to a tolerance of 10 micrometers! That's why we're so expensive! But this serum will make us look cheaper and sloppier! ''[injects himself]'' Aah! ''[turns into a Playmobil figure]'' We look like them now!
:'''Gerry''': I'd rather die.
:'''Son''': ''[notices something]'' What?! They have Transformers?
:'''Gerry''': No, son! No!
:'''Son''': Aah! ''[Bumblebee rips him in half]''
:'''Gerry''': Nooooooo!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': You probably don't even want to go on living now.
:'''Gerry''': Huh? Oh, that was just a kid from my wife's first marriage. But that looked really painful. Hit me with the juice! ''[gets injected]'' Ugh! ''[the serum transforms him into...]'' No! You turned me into a ''[bleep]''ing DUPLO! It's the same company as LEGO, you fool! Aah! Aah! ''[Mrs. Lane and the Doctor run away whilst DUPLO Gerry gets his head ripped off]'' Guys, is this ending working? Let's re-shoot it.
:''[Zombies murmuring]''

===Catdog on a Stick [7.10]===
:'''Executive''': You sure you wanna do a movie, Tiger?
:'''Tiger''': I want to be beloved again, like before I had sex with all those waitresses from IHOP. Jordan did Space Jam. I want my Space Jam.
:'''Executive''': Well, studios aren't lining up to lend their characters to a Tiger Woods movie. Everyone aggressively passed except DiC, but I cannot recommend that.
:''[Cut to the title card for the Golf Jam movie]''
:'''Singers''': Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to Tiger on the golf course]''
:'''Tiger''': Time for a day of playing golf and being faithful to my girlfriend. ''[falls down a large hole]'' What? Whoooooooa!! ''[lands in DiC Land, surrounded by Heathcliff and other DiC characters]'' Ow!
:'''Heathcliff''': Welcome to DiC Land, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[getting up from his fall and waving hello]'' Why, hi, Garfield.
:'''Heathcliff''': I'm Heathcliff. I'm more romantic and have an accent. This is Cleo.
:'''Cleo''': We need your help, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to put my penis in you... ''[snaps back to attention, and looks at the camera]'' I mean, I love my girlfriend.
:'''Cleo''': We brought you here because the evil Dork Punks challenged us to a game of golf.
:'''Tiger''': ''[once again enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to hump your face... ''[flustered]'' I mean, help your face- ''[snaps out of it again]'' Help you, I will help you!
:''[The Dork Punks walk into the shot, as Tiger turns to look at them]''
:'''Dork Punk''': Let's tee off, DiC-heads!
:''[Tiger and Heathcliff look at each other and nod, and we cut to a golf-playing montage. Tiger (now wearing a cap with the DiC logo on it) hits a beautful shot as Heathcliff, Cleo, and a couple of other toons watch. LongArm uses his gauntlet to sink a putt, as Tiger chats up Princess Lana and receives a slap to the face from her. As Cleo prepares to sink her putt, Tiger walks up from behind and starts pretending to hump her. Ja-Kal prepares to take a shot as Armon looks on, but a piece of Armon's gauze is caught on Ja-Kal's club. As Ja-Kal swings, he and Armon both get tied up in Armon's gauze. Tiger is seen in one of the bunkers with Nefer-Tina sitting on top of him, as she unwraps the gauze from her upper body much to Tiger's delight. The montage ends as Tiger is getting ready to sink his final putt, with Cleo and Hammerman watching on]''
:'''Hammerman''': If you sink this putt, we win!
:'''Tiger''': Wish me luck, Bobby Brown.
:'''Hammerman''': Bobby Brown? I'm Hammerman! I'm M.C. Hammer, except not, and I have magic shoes. ''[shows off his magic dancing shoes]''
:'''Tiger''': ''[looks at Cleo]'' You know, I don't even know if I want to save you DiC's. You're just uninspired rehashes of good ideas. Seriously, how cheap is DiC? This is a movie, and you all look like you were drawn on a napkin.
:'''Cleo''': Win the game and I'll blow you.
:''[Upon hearing this, Tiger immediately sinks the putt and wins the game. As the DiC toons celebrate, Tiger unzips his pants and takes a terrified Cleo by the hand into the Pancake House for his well-earned blowjob]''
:'''Hammerman''': ''[rapping]'' Everybody tee off, get a club in your hands, charisma-free sex addict saving DiC Land! Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to black with the bold white text &quot;Golf Jam was rented once from Redbox. The copy was returned on time.&quot;]''

===Super Guitaro Center [7.11]===
:'''Shredder''': The &quot;Channel 6 News Masquerade Ball&quot; is the opportunity for me to kidnap April O'Neil. She's the perfect bait to catch the turtles. ''[surprised to see April's costume]'' Wow! Out of that bulky lesbian jumpsuit, she's hot as ''[bleep]''!
:'''April''': Care to dance, Mr. Potter?
:'''Shredder''': WHAT?! ''[cuts to Shredder dancing with April]'' And, what's your costume?
:'''April''': Belle from &quot;Beauty and The Beast&quot;, but a dick-slut.
:'''Shredder''': Is your favorite restaurant, Taco &quot;Belle&quot;?
:''[Both laugh]''
:'''April''': You are hilarious.
:'''Shredder''': On the count of 3, say your favorite band. 1, 2, 3!
:'''Shredder and April''': Toad the Wet Sprocket! ''[pause, they both kiss]''
:'''April''': ''[feels the blade, and gasped]'' Wait. Are you-
:'''Shredder''': In love? Yes. WHAT?! Bye! ''[leaves]''
:'''April''': ''[realizing]'' Shredder?
:''[Cut to Shredder with April outside her apartment after the party]''
:'''Shredder''': Think of something poetic, Oroku. ''[to April]'' But soft, you are total boner food!
:'''April''': Oh, Shredder. My heart doesn't take sides.
:'''Shredder''': People won't approve.
:'''April''': No one can keep us apart.
:''[They both kiss again. Then cuts to the sewer]''
:'''Raphael''': Aww, Hell to the No! ''[punches a brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''April''': We're soul mates! We both love Toad the Wet Sprocket.
:'''Michelangelo''': Toad the-What?! Is that a sex thing?! Have you guys had sex?!
:'''April''': No. Just dry humping, and ball play.
:'''Raphael''': Ball play?! ''[punches the same brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''Splinter''': You must stay away from Shredder, April. He is dangerous. Sleep here tonight. Donatello, grab the guest pillows.
:''[Donatello grabs pizza boxes which are the guest pillows, and puts them on the couch. Later while everyone's asleep, Shredder comes up from behind the couch to see April]''
:'''April''': ''[gasps]'' What are you doing here?
:'''Shredder''': I came to say &quot;Hi&quot;, ''[lays down next to her]'' and also have sex after the whole &quot;Hi&quot; thing.
:'''April''': It's like Six Flags Hurricane Harbor in my panties right now. ''[they both kiss again. Later, we see her and Shredder outside the manhole]'' Mmm, Mmm. You really Toadied my Wet Sprocket. When will I see you again?
:'''Shredder''': Soon, I hope. I should go before the turtles wake up. Plus, I have some major ExtenZe farts coming on. ''[farts]''
:''[Next morning while April was having her breakfast]''
:'''Donatello''': April, just go on one date with Casey. He's a good guy.
:'''April''': Casey is a jobless loser in sweats! ''[walks away]''
:'''Casey''': Good start to my morning.
:'''[Cut to April with the Rat King]''
:'''April''': So, I left. What should I do, Mr. Rat King? I belong with Shredder.
:'''Rat King''': I have an idea! And my idea involves you taking a lot of poison very quickly.
:'''April''': ''[pause, interested]'' Go on?
:''[Cut to April playing dead]''
:'''Shredder''': ''[shocked]'' It can't be! April?! NO!!!! WHY?!?! ''[accidentally hits April with his spikes]''
:'''April''': ''[wakes up in pain]'' Ow! Ow! Ow! What the ''[bleep]''?! Shredder!
:'''Shredder''': April! You're alive!
:'''April''': The poison only made me appear dead. Didn't you read &quot;Romeo and Juliet&quot;, you ''[bleep]''ing ass clown? ''[gags and dies]''
:'''Shredder''': NOOOOOOO!!!!!! ''[a few seconds of silence]'' Just gonna take my Toad the Wet Sprocket bootleg back. ''[takes his CD back, and leaves]''

===Noidstrom Rack [7.12]===
:'''Picard''': ''[dozing in the captain's chair on the bridge of the Enterprise]'' What's that Beverly? You want Wesley to watch? Hmm, make it so! ''[jerks awake]'' Oh, 2300 hours, time for the night crew to relieve us! ''[moves to leave the bridge, as Captain Jake enters]'' Captain.
:'''Captain Jake''': Capitan! ''[the Enterprise bridge crew file out, as their night crew replacements enter]'' Night crew, maintain course. ''[cut to the Enterprise moving through space]'' Space, the final frontier! These are the 11pm to 7am voyages of the Enterprise's night crew. Its continuing mission...is to PAR-TAY! ''[starts drinking from a beer can as the night crew cheer]''
:'''Night Crew''': Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! [A Borg cube appears on the view screen]
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Captain Jake, a Borg cube is hailing us.
:'''Captain Jake''': They probably want us to turn down our jams...Fat chance!
:'''Borg Drone''': Lower your shields, your culture will adapt to service us.
:'''Captain Jake''': You want us to service you?
:'''Borg Drone''': Affirmative. You will service the Borg, all night if needed! ''[Commander LaFreak sniggers. The Borg Drone looks unamused]'' Wait! Our hive mind has assimilated double entendres- real mature, guys! Prepare for assimilation! ''[the Borg cube begins to shoot at the Enterprise with its lasers]''
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Our shields won't last long, sir! Should we wake up the bald guy?
:'''Captain Jake''': ''[opens another can of beer]'' No way, Commander LaFreak! We'll beat the Borg like we beat that frat on Gallos 7!
:'''Commander LaFreak''': We'll sell naked photos of their girlfriends at a pie-eating contest?
:'''Captain Jake''': What?! No! Like any frat, the Borg share a hive mind, man. If we get one Borg to party, all Borg will party! Night crew, prepare to rock out with our Spocks out! ''[the night crew beam across to the Borg cube]'' Anybody order a partygram? ''[the night crew start playing music and drinking with the Borg drones in the cube. He pulls out a bottle of champagne to a female Borg drone]'' Wet t-shirt contest! ''[opens the champagne bottle on the female drone, who doesn't react even when he douses her chest]'' Oh right, no shirt...you want mine? ''[removes his Captain's jumper, just as the Borg drone he talked to advances on him]'' Whoa, chill out, dude! Wait, is she your daughter?
:'''Borg Drone''': Enough! Partying is futile! ''[jabs Captain Jake with its injection tubes, only to recoil. Captain Jake grins]'' Your blood, so full of beer! Your party, so hearty! ''[grabs a cup of beer from a Klingon night crew member and chugs it]'' Woo-hoooo! ''[the rest of the Borg join the drone and the night crew in partying]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Now this, I can assimilate! ''[he and the drone hug]''
:''[Cut to the Borg cube drawing a giant cock on a planet with its lasers. Cut to an awards ceremony on the bridge of the Enterprise]''
:'''Starfleet Admiral''': Captain Jake, Starfleet thanks you for defeating the Borg. ''[hangs a medal around Captain Jake's neck]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Bitchin'!
:'''Picard''': ''[fuming]'' NIGHT CREEEEEEWWWWW! ''[everyone looks round nervously, until he grins]'' Beer me! ''[the night crew cheer and Jake tosses Picard a can]'' You glorious sons of bitches!

===Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13]===
:''[The Disney Princess Castle is shown]''
:'''Snow White''': ''[from inside]'' Welcome to the Princess Summit, ''[cut to inside]'' where we address the complex political issues facing our kingdoms.
:'''Rapunzel''': Hairstyles.
:'''Cinderella''': Talking pets.
:'''Tiana''': Hairstyles for our talking pets.
:'''Ariel''': Crabs. ''[everyone looks at her in disgust]'' I've got crabs.
:'''Snow White''': Well, isn't that just, um...and where is our newest princess?
:'''Merida''': ''[enters, carrying a dead boar dripping with blood]'' Ach! Sorry I'm late. I killed a boar on the way here.
:'''Aurora''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, you're so feminist and empowered. Great.
:'''Merida''': ''[laying boar on the table and gutting it]'' 'Ey, wee beastie! Have we got to grievances yet? A bunch of wee dwarves are illegally mining me territory.
:'''Snow White''': Oh, Merida, you have far bigger problems. Let me tell you about them.
:'''Merida''': Not a damn song.
:'''Snow White''': ''[singing]'' Here's a list of things to drop;
:Your accent, bow, that tangled mop.
:Fifteen pounds from off your hips
:Those ginger afros 'neath your pits
:And no prince will want to mingle
:With a girl with no hit single.
:''[Cinderella, Aurora, and Ariel hold up gold records]''
:'''Cinderella''': ''[spoken]'' And your pet's hair is a disaster.
:'''Merida''': That's me mother! She's a bear! The trailer was very misleading! ''[holds the knife to Snow White's neck''] I came here looking for justice; instead, I found treachery. Prepare yourself for war. ''[Leaves]''
:'''Mulan''': ''[following Merida]'' Someone finally said it! See you on the killing field, round-eyes. ''[leaves]''
:'''Belle''': Amen, sister. ''[leaves]''
:'''Tiana''': Stuck-up bitches!
:''[Rapunzel follows. The remaining princesses look on. We transition to the next scene where Snow White is preparing her army for war against Merida's army]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, that Merida! I'll show her. ''[out the window]'' Send in my war counsel. ''[a cute Disney-esque bird flies up to the windowsill]'' What shall I do, little one?
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Core that bitch like an apple.
:'''Snow White''': Oh my.
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Weave a tapestry of their intestines.
:'''Snow White''': Okay, okay, I get it, I get it. We need weapons.
:'''Cinderella''': I've got a guy.
:''[The Fairy Godmother appears]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, good idea. We'll fight them with magic.
:'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[laying bag of assault weapons on table]'' Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo, that's twenty grand.
:'''Princesses''': Ooh, wow!
:'''Ariel''': Do you need thingamabobs? I've got thingamabobs.
:'''Jasmine''': Nobody cares about the dildo collection you dredged up from the Atlantic, you fishy bitch. ''[Ariel runs away crying]'' Anyone else have cold tits?
:''[We cut to Merida's training grounds]''
:'''Merida''': All right, ladies. Show me what you've got.
:'''Rapunzel''': ''[whips the practice dummy with her hair, dismembering it, then strangling it]'' I finally found the perfect conditioner— ''[pops the dummy's head off]'' blood!
:'''Louis''': ''[shooting arrows and missed the target]'' Oh, curse these stubby arms.
:'''Merida''': You're an alligator. Be an alligator!
:''[Louis turns to Mushu, who is standing beside him]''
:'''Mushu''': Oh, wait! Don't...!
:'''Louis''': ''[eats Mushu]'' Oh! I'm so sorry!
:'''Mulan''': No, no, it was...it was a good kill.
:''[Cut to Snow White's army, ready for their coming battle]''
:'''Snow White''': Not all of us will live to wish upon a star tonight, but we give our lives for a greater good.
:'''Aurora''': ''[yawning]'' Oh dear, I think I'm getting sleepy. I might have to sit this one out, guys.
:'''Snow White''': Don't you pull that shit now!
:'''Aurora''': Just teasing.
:''[An arrow fired by an off-screen Merida strikes Aurora in the throat, killing her instantly]''
:'''Merida''': ''[with her army at the top of a hill]'' Bring me the scalp and/or weave of Snow White! Charge!
:''[The armies charge at each other]''
:'''Jasmine''': I will show you a world of death!
:''[They meet in the middle, where Ariel, now a mermaid, has brought an atomic bomb]''
:'''Ariel''': Look, everyone! I brought my thingamabob! My weapons-grade thingamabob!
:'''Cinderella''': Oh, you just don't know what words are. That's your thing.
:''[The bomb starts beeping, indicating its imminent detonation]''
:'''Princesses''': ''[realizing]'' Ahh! Run away! Run away! ''[running away from the bomb]''
:'''Sebastian''': ''[pops up from behind the bomb, singing]'' Bend over and grab your ankles!
:''[The bomb explodes, completely obscuring the scene with smoke and ash, until it dissipates, revealing that the explosion has eradicated almost everything, leaving nothing but a barren wasteland]''
:'''Merida''': ''[wounded, trudges by]'' Me mother's a bear.
:''[Tinkerbell arrives, then shoots her in the head with a gun, winks, and leaves]''

===Walking Dead Lobster [7.14]===
:''[We start on a gradient aquamarine-blue background, where the Gullah Gullah Island logo rolls in]''
:'''Announcer''': And now, back to Gullah Gullah Island!
:''[We cut to Ron and Natalie's house, where everyone plays Leapfrog with. Two policemen, one blonde and the other with brown hair, arriving at the front door]''
:'''Ron''': ''[jumps over Shaina and Binyah-Binyah]'' This sure is fun, Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': Binyah-Binyah! Have fun, too!
:''[The policemen knock on the door]''
:'''Ron''': I'll get it. ''[opens the door to show the policemen]''
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Hello, sir. We've investigated a tip. A criminal might be in the area; he's robbed a bank and shot three policemen.
:'''Ron''': Oh, no! Well, there's nobody here but me, my wife, our three children, and our man-sized pet polliwog.
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Yeah-no, no, no, that's a man in a frog suit.
:'''Natalie''': ''[incredulous]'' What?! No, he's just a giant polliwog we rescued.
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Where did you find him?
:'''Vanessa''': Oh, behind an amphibious animal costume shop!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': I'm gonna need him out of that frog suit by the count of three. ''[pulls out a pistol]'' One...
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': ''[raises both arms in the air as the Alstons stare in shock]'' Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Two...
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': ''[scared, waving arms]'' Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Three!
:'''Frogman''': ''[screams and strips out of costume, making the Alstons cover their eyes from seeing his nude lesion-covered body]'' No! Don't shoot!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': ''[still points pistol with other officer]'' Down on the ground, Frogman!
:'''Natalie''': ''[disgusted]'' What's on his skin?!
:'''Frogman''': Sores, you dumbass! From wearing that polliwog costume for four months straight! ''[is handcuffed by the blonde policeman and pulled out of the house]'' Binyah-Binyah! Binyah-Binyah!
:''[The brown-haired policeman clubs Frogman on the back of his head to knock him out, ending the sketch''

===Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15]===
:'''Peter Pan''': Fly with me, to Neverland! ''[flies out of the window with the Darling children]''
:'''Mary Darling''': ''[arrives with her husband too late]'' Children, no!
:''[Scene cuts to Neverland]''
:'''Peter Pan''': These are the Lost Boys. They're not vampires. ''[phone rings from inside a tree; curiously]'' We have a phone? ''[picks up the receiver]'' Hello?
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[on the phone]'' I don't know who you are. ''[cut to him with George and Mary]'' I don't know what you want. I don't know why you dress like...
:'''Mary Darling''': A gay Robin Hood.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Like a gay Robin Hood. I have a very particular set of skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. By which I guess I mean, flying gay Robin Hoods.
:''[Cut to Peter]''
:'''Peter Pan''': Good luck finding Neverland, grandpa. ''[hangs up and leaves]''
:''[Cut back to Bryan, George, and Mary]''
:'''George Darling''': Oh, what's he saying?
:'''Bryan Mills''': He's saying, &quot;Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...&quot;
:'''Mary Darling''': That's the dial tone.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Dial tone? ''[hangs up]'' Well, this is a very old phone. ''[to George and Mary]'' He's holding your children in what I presume is an underground sex club called Neverland.
:'''George Darling''': Oh thank goodness, you do security work for bankers like myself, Mr. Mills, but how will you reach the children? They were flying!
:'''Mary Darling''': I think I heard them say something about thinking happy thoughts.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Happy thoughts, eh? ''[imagining himself in the thought bubble, grabbing Peter Pan and throwing him on a step]''
:'''Peter Pan''': No! No! Please!
:''[Bryan crushes Peter's head destroying his face, the thought bubble vanishes]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': Whoo hoo, off I go! ''[flies through the roof]''
:''[Scene cuts to Neverland, Bryan kills the Lost Boys, except Slightly, who turns around and sees the other Lost Boys dead covered in blood]''
:'''Slightly''': ''[farts]'' I just pooped in my tail!
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[holding Slightly at knifepoint]'' Where are the children?!
:''[Slightly farts again before we cut to Wendy and the mermaids]''
:'''Wendy''': I've never meet real live mermaids before.
:'''Mermaid''': ''[laughs]'' That's so fun! Lets drown this bitch! ''[grabs Wendy by her arms]''
:'''Wendy''': No, please, no! ''[opens her eyes to see the mermaids dead]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[wearing the seashell bra]'' Wendy, where are your brothers?
:'''Wendy''': There! On the pirate ship!
:''[Cut to the Pirate ship where John and Michael are cornered by Captain Hook]''
:'''Captain Hook''': Time for these little chickadees to walk the plank! ''[laughs]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[near the dead pirates]'' Tick-tock, time's up! ''[kicks Captain Hook, who falls while screaming into the crocodile's mouth]'' I'm taking you home, children.
:'''Peter Pan''': ''[arrives with Tinkerbell]'' Not so fast, you old codfish! ''[Tinkerbell flies up to Bryan taunting him, Bryan uses his shoe to squash her]'' Tink! Oh, good luck getting home without her fairy dust, asshole!
:'''Bryan Mills''': Why would I want to leave when my happy thoughts are about to come true?
:'''Peter Pan''': Your what? ''[Bryan grabs him and throws him to a step]'' Oh! No! NO! ''[Bryan crashes his head with his foot before his shadow comes out]''
:'''Wendy''': Okay, but seriously man, how the ''[bleep]'' are we getting home?!
:'''Bryan Mills''': Hang on. ''[grabs Peter's shadow and throws it on the same step]''
:'''Peter's shadow''': No, no, wait! ''[screams as Bryan crushes its head in black blood with his foot]''

===Bitch Pudding Special [7.16]===
:''[Part 1 starts, as a funeral for Granny Graham Crackers is taking place at the Strawberryland Church; Raspberry Parfait is speaking at the podium]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Even on cloudy days, Pastryville always had a ray of sunshine. And her name was Granny Graham Crackers. Remember when she knit your favorite scarf, Black Cherry Pie?
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': ''[caressing her scarf fondly]'' I wear it everyday, Raspberry Parfait.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': And Fudge Turnover, remember when she fixed you leaky roof?
:'''Fudge Turnover''': She got heat-stroke and fell into the hedges.
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': ''[indignant]'' While you watched Tango and Cash on Netflix!
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Yes! While I watched Tango and Cash on Netflix.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': And Buttermilk Biscuits, I remember when Granny drove all the way to the big city to get-
:'''Buttermilk Biscuits''': ''[gesturing towards her neck]'' No. Nope. Mnh-mnh.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Your...tonsils out?
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Yeah, your unborn tonsils.
:''[Black Cherry Pie scowls at him]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': ''[clears her throat]'' Now then if there are no more speakers? ''[no one says a word, to her relief]'' Great! Then, in conclusion- ''[But Bitch Pudding opens the door just then. Everyone is shocked. Bitch Pudding walks up to the podium, lightly shoving her out of the way]'' W-We were just wrapping up here, Bitch Pudding.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[grabs the microphone and begin to speak in her calm southern accent]'' I remember Granny. ''[the audience is still dumbfounded]'' I remember her smile. ''[the audience looks relieved]'' I remember how much she loved baking sugar cookies. ''[wipes a tear from her eye]''
:'''All''': ''[react happily]'' Ahh!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': But most of all, I remember... ''[giving a angry rant]'' her rank-ass old-lady farts.
:''[Everyone gasps in shock]''
:''[Raspberry Parfait'': ''[facepalming]'' Oh, God.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': This bitch had no sense of smell, no sense of hearing, so all day long, she was like &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbhhhhhht!&quot;
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Okay. ''[chuckles]'' That's enough-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[pushes Raspberry Parfait and continues]'' And when you're a hundred years old, I guess panties are just an afterthought. I mean, raise your hand if you never saw Granny airing out the Ark of the Covenant! ''[while she’s talking, Raspberry Parfait does the hand signal to turn the camera off, but she then mouths &quot;What the?&quot; Everyone gasps and groans]'' I hope Granny is in heaven, but she had a gambling addiction, so Satan might be doing her up the butt. ''[Everyone gasps again]'' Knock twice if Satan's doing you up the butt, Granny. ''[in Granny's voice]'' I love it up the butt from Satan, everybody! ''[in Satan's voice]'' You rule, Granny! Ha ha! ''[begins humping the coffin; the others gasp and groan in shock once more]'' Now hit my ''[bleep]''ing theme song!
:''[Music plays in the style of “The Trooper” by Iron Maiden, as Bitch Pudding walks down the aisles where she steals an audience member's apple and takes a single bite before giving it to German Chocolate Cake and out of the church, where she closes the doors as the title for the special appears. Everyone starts murmuring]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Now, then-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[bursts into the church again, briefly]'' Da-da-da-da! Bitch Puddin'. Blam! ''[runs off; later that night, she is playing a shooter video game, where she is taking out several in-game enemies]'' Yeah! Suck it.
:''[Bitch Pudding's game avatar approaches a villager character]''
:'''Villager''': You have saved my village!
:''[Bitch Pudding's game avatar shoots the villager dead]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': You mean &quot;my&quot; village! ''[a rumble of thunder is heard as Bitch Pudding's house experiences a power outage and the TV screen dies]'' Aw!
:''[As more rumbles of thunder are heard, a mysterious hooded figure appears behind an unsuspecting Bitch Pudding, revealed by the illumination of lightning outside. The figure is seen first holding a knife, then an axe, then a pistol, and then finally a baseball bat, which the figure uses to club Bitch Pudding in the head-she grunts and falls unconscious. A few hours later]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Augh. Where?
:'''The Mailbird''': Oh, sounds like my cargo just woke up!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hey! You're that damn bird that delivers our mail.
:'''The Mailbird''': You bet your feathers. But tonight, I'm gettin' paid to make a special delivery. ''[Bitch Pudding sees the volcano nearby]'' Neither rain nor sleet nor snow will keep your ass out of that volcano. Adios, Bitch Pudding. ''[Bitch Pudding, however, is trying to escape from him]'' Glurk! Ooh! Aah!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': You flying turd! Who hired you?
:'''The Mailbird''': You kill me, we both die.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Good point, jazz cloth. But, on the other hand. ''[picks out 2 feathers, and stab him in his eyes]''
:'''The Mailbird''': ''[going blind]'' Ow! ''[falls to his death in the volcano]'' Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[falls onto the rocks and rolls down in pain]'' Ohhhhhhhh!!! ''[Bleeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Ow! Ow! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Ow! Oh! Ow! Oh! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeeeeeeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Oh, ''[bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Mother''[bleep]''ing mother''[bleep]'' er! Ow! Ow! ''[Bleep]'' me! Oh, God! ''[Bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''! ''[hits the tree]'' Ow! ''[Bleep]''! Ohhh! ''[BLEEEEEEEP]''!!!!! ''[falls unconscious again]''
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding opens her eyes to see the Schlorps]''
:'''Schlorp 1''': Who is she?
:'''Schlorp 2''': Grandpappy will know.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Please, stop talking. Your voice is irritating as ''[bleep]''!
:'''Schlorp 2''': How rude!
:'''Schlorp 3''': Well, she's not wrong.
:'''Schlorp 4''': Who is that?
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Welcome to Schlorptown, stranger! We are the Schlorps. And my name is Grandpappy Schlorp.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Are you in charge of this sh*thole?
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': You see anyone else with a beard around here?
:'''Schlorp 2''': We should Schlorp the &quot;Get to know you&quot; song!
:''[Everyone laughs and the peppy music plays]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed]'' No.
:'''Schlorps''': ''[singing]'' ♪If you get to know me,♪
:♪Then I'll get to know you!♪
:♪Once you're in the group,♪
:♪You're a friend through-and-through!♪
:'''Fishing Pole Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Fishing Pole Schlorp and I catch all the fish!♪
:'''Basketball Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Basketball Schlorp watch this!♪
:'''Schlorps''': Swish!
:'''I.B.S. Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm I.B.S. Schlorp!♪
:♪You'll find me on the stalls♪
:'''Wintertime Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Wintertime Schlorp♪
:♪I'm sweating off my balls?
:'''Chinese Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm a Schlorp who come from China.♪
:'''Miss Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Miss Schlorp with a vagina!♪
:'''Kazoo Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm a Schlorp who plays kazoo♪
:'''Kung Fu Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm a Schlorp who wants Kung Fu!♪ ''[accidentally karate chops the Kazoo Schlorp]'' So sorry!
:'''Schlorps''': ''[singing]'' ♪So how about the stranger?♪
:♪Tell us all about you!♪
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[grabs Banjo Schlorp's banjo to play it, but swears]'' ♪Shut the ''[bleep]'' u-u-up!!!♪
:''[Discordant note plays. She breaks the banjo and a fishing pole, while kicking a basketball far away. Afterwards, she gets angry to make the Schlorps feel shockingly bad]''
:'''I.B.S. Schlorp''': ''[his stomach growls]'' Oh, god! I'm not gonna make it. I'm not gonna make it. I'm not gonna make it. ''[craps himself]'' Aw. I didn't make it.
:''[Meanwhile, Grandpappy Schlorp tries to create a cast to Bitch Pudding's broken arm]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Ow, you old bastard!
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': There you go. Good as new. Ah, Schlorpette. Is that the Schlorp nut soup for our guest?
:'''Schlorpette''': Yes, but this is the last of our Schlorp nuts. They're all gone.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Aww. The last of the Schlorp nuts. And with winter on its way.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[sips the Schlorp nut soup, but spits it out]'' This tastes like moose dick! ''[smashes the bowl onto the floor]'' I got to go home! ''[heads towards the door]'' Some asshole tried to kill me, so that asshole's gonna get my boot up his asshole.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': With the Schlorp nuts gone, our village faces starvation. You see, the nuts were stolen by the evil squirrel wizard on one tree hill.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Phhhhhhht!
:'''Schlorpette''': It was called that before the show.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': This squirrel sounds like a pissy.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Then perhaps we can make a deal. Bring our nuts home and we help get your butt home.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Uuuuuuuugh! ''[later, she knocks on the door]''
:'''Trevor''': ''[arrives]'' Who dares disturb the sa-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blam! ''[attacking Trevor to death]'' Haungh, haungh, hungh! Lick my taco, Squirrel Wizard. Give those dicks their nuts back!
:'''Schlorpette''': Bitch Pudding! That's not the Squirrel Wizard!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Huh? Who the hell is it?
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': ''[arrives to see Trevor dead]'' Trevor? Trevor?! Oh, my god! Trevor!
:'''Schlorpette''': His life partner.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[shocked]'' Yuh-oh. ''[runs off]''
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': ''[in anger]'' Rrrrrrrrrrah! ''[using his magic wand to shoot at Schlorpette]''
:'''Schlorpette''': Aaaaaah! ''[vanishes]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[running away from the Squirrel Wizard]'' Squirrel alert! Squirrel alert!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': ''[arrives]'' Rrrrrrrrrgh!
:'''Schlorps''': Ohh!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': ''[starts attacking the Schlorps with his magic wand]'' Suck on this! Suck on this! Suck on this!
:'''Schlorp 2''': ''[his bottom half kicks him]'' Ow! Ooh! Ow!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Can't stay. Gotta go. Blam. ''[leaves]''
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Stay and fight, coward!
:'''Schlorp 1''': ''[getting shot]'' Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! ''[explodes]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Whew. Safe. ''[witnessing the Squirrel Wizard using magic spells to murder the Schlorps]'' Oh, ''[bleep]''! They're getting massacred! Who cares about those purple peckers? They never should have trusted me. Or...Or helped me?
:'''Narrator''': And at that moment, Bitch Pudding's heart grew three sizes bigger. Uh, metaphorically. You know, you'll just have to take my word for it.
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Die, you miserable Schlorps! And when you meet God, slap that mother''[bleep]''er in the face, because existence is nothing but his cruel joke on all of us!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Sorry, spunk-sponge! The Schlorps are under my protection! ''[a mutilated Schlorp coughs up blood and dies]'' Uh, starting now! ''[starts to fight against the Squirrel Wizard]''
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Ooh!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blick! ''[still fighting with him]'' Oh!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Suck it!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Oh! Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam! Blaaaam!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Aaah! For Trevor! Punch! Punch!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blam! Blam! Ba-ba-ba-blam! ''[knocks the Squirrel Wizard to the ground]''
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Ugh! Trevor! My fuzzy little angel! ''[Bitch Pudding takes his magic wand]'' Just do it! End me! Use any death spell you choose! Just say the magic words and end my pain!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Abracadabra. ''[stabs the Squirrel Wizard through the head with his wand, finally killing him]'' Eat ''[bleep]''.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': ''[walks into frame, horrified by this scene]'' My Schlorps, gone. All gone.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': As your champion, a eulogy is probably in order. ''[clears throat; Grandpappy Schlorp gives a nod to another Schlorp]'' What can be said- ''[is knocked out by a Schlorp with a baseball bat from behind]'' Ow!
:''[A few hours later]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up and finds out she is in a biplane]'' Huh? Where? What?
:'''Pilot Schlorp''': On behalf of &quot;''[Bleep]'' You Airlines,&quot; go ''[bleep]'' yourself.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[falls]'' Aaaaaaaaagh! Oooooh! Unh! Unh! Unh! ''[lands]'' I-I I'm home. ''[suddenly spots a carnival in Pastryville celebrating her supposed death]'' What the ''[bleep]''?
:'''Pastryville Citizen 1''': Toss Bitch Pudding in the volcano and win a prize!
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Volcano-fried Bitch Pudding on a stick!
:'''Buttermilk Biscuits''': I hate you, Bitch Puddin'!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[turns around to see a mural of her being dropped into the volcano by the mail-delivery bird]'' They were all in on it! The whole town tried to kill me?!
:''[Cut to the church, where the Pastryville citizens sing a hymn with a tune of &quot;It Came Upon a Midnight Clear&quot;]''
:'''Pastryville Citizens''': ''[singing]'' ♪She made our lives a living hell♪
:♪So nasty and so mean♪
:♪And when Bitch Pudding hit the lava♪
:♪You should have heard her scream♪
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': The first annual &quot;Bitch Pudding Is Dead&quot; Festival has been a rousing success! For generations to come, we will- ''[sniffs]'' Hey, guys, do you smell smoke?
:''[Everyone finds that the church is on fire, they all scream]''
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Oh, ''[bleep]''! The door won't open! ''[a Pastryville citizen runs by on fire, screaming. The others attempt to break the church door down]'' All together, now.
:'''Everyone''': One! Two! Three! Oh! Oh!
:''[Upon bursting out, they find Bitch Pudding, alive and well, and holding a minigun in front of them]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blam. ''[as revenge, she guns down every last citizen. A bloodied, mortally wounded Raspberry Parfait grabs onto Bitch Pudding with her last dying ounces of strength]'' Remember when I said I'd shoot you last?
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': I have absolutely no memory of that.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Must have been a fantasy I had when I was masturbating!
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': ''[Bleep]'' you, Bitch Pudding... ''[falls over and dies; Bitch Pudding surveys the dead bodies as heavy metal music plays]''
:''[One day later, Bitch Pudding is seen leaving Pastryville]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[narrating]'' So that's my story. I probably should have done a voiceover through the whole thing, but I didn't feel like it. Now, the only question is what does the future hold?
:''[A car arrives, driven by Nick Fury of the Avengers]''
:'''Nick Fury''': Bitch Pudding. You have become a part of a larger Universe.
:''[Credits; when it ends, Bitch Pudding is seen having stolen Nick Fury's car, driving away]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Da-da-da-da! Blam!
:'''Nick Fury''': ''[left behind]'' What a bitch.

===Batman Forever 21 [7.17]===
:''[Nana is sitting alone, tied to her doghouse at the doorstep of the Darling house]''
:'''Peter Pan''': Off to Neverland!
:'''Michael''': Come on, Nana. ''[grabs Tinker Bell and sprinkles pixie dust all over Nana]''
:''[Nana starts to rise, but gets tangled in the rope and dies]''
:'''Peter Pan and the Children''': ''[in the distance]'' YAAAY!

===The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's [7.18]===
:'''Bionic-1''': Family, after nearly killing you on a ski trip to the Himalayas, I saved our lives by giving each of you bionic implants. Let's use these cool, new powers as the Bionic Six!
:''[The children cheer]''
:'''Mother-1''': Uh, hun, maybe we should be thankful we're alive and not...
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC SIX!
:'''IQ''': Open wide!
:'''Rock-1''': You just got eighty-Bionic-Sixed!
:'''Sports-1''': ''[bat cracking]'' Dad, turns out hitting homers isn't a superpower-AAH! ''[gets riddled with bullets]''
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC FIVE!
:'''Mother-1''': Eric?!
:'''Bionic-1''': Uh, his codename is Sports-1.
:'''Mother-1''': He was our son, and now he's dead! You asshole! We're getting a divorce.
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC FOUR!
:'''Karate-1''': WAA- ''[also gets riddled with bullets]''
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC THREE!
:'''IQ''': You killed my brother! ''[crushes Rock-1]''
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC TWO!
:'''IQ''': ''[crying]'' We never had any training... ''[crushes himself]''
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC ONE!
:'''BIONIC-1''': Only now do I see that bionics solve nothing...GUH! ''[gets riddled with bullets]''
:'''Announcer''': I AM OUT OF WORK!

===Chipotle Miserables [7.19]===
:'''Announcer''': From the makers of &quot;Les Misérables&quot;, comes another story about a prisoner in need of redemption.
:''[Hamburglar enters a courtroom, with Ronald McDonald as the judge]''
:'''Hamburglar''': ♫ Have mercy, my lord. I'm not a man of violence. I stole Big Mac's to feed my fami- ♫
:'''Ronald McDonald''': SILENCE! ♫ From this day on to bring you shame, Your crime, Hamburglar, shall be your name! ♫
:'''Hamburglar''': NOOOOOO!
:'''Ronald McDonald''': ♫ Yes, that's your name. There's no way to escape this. And you're French Fry Killer and you're the Nugget Rapist. ♫
:''[Cuts to Birdie inside of a McDonald's kitchen with Ronald McDonald]''
:'''Announcer''': A poultry in need of hope.
:'''McDonald's Employees''': ♫ By the time the day ends, this one will do nicely. Cause, a bird on the grill, is worth two in the hat. ♫
:'''Birdie''': ♫ You're supposed to be a friend, to all in McDonaldland. ♫
:'''Ronald McDonald''': ♫ You're a food that I serve fried, to billions worldwide. So, you kind of should've seen this coming. ♫
:'''McDonald's Employees''': ♫ By the time the day ends. ♫ ''[carry her out]''
:'''Birdie''': NOOOOO!
:''[Cuts to Birdie in a McDonald's kitchen, all her feathers plucked]''
:'''Announcer''': Every performance, riveting.
:'''Birdie''': ♫ I had a dream that I would be, more than a nugget made for dipping. ♫
:''[Cuts to Hamburglar, with Birdie's egg]''
:'''Hamburglar''': ♫ I promise I will save your child, and keep her here among the living. ♫
:'''Birdie''': ♫ There's so much hope in my hear- ♫
:''[A McDonald's Employee decapitates Birdie with a meat cleaver]''
:'''Hamburglar''': Oh, GOD!
:''[A McDonald's Employee throws Birdie's body in a pot of boiling oil]''
:'''Announcer''': Every line of dialogue sung.
:'''Hamburglar''': Now, who will rise?! ''[crowd mumbles; coughs]'' I mean. &quot;♫ Who will rise?! ♫&quot;
:''[The crowd cheers and engages in a war against the McDonald's Employees. A McDonald's Employee drinks Happy Meal Drink]''
:'''Happy Meal Drink''': No! Please stop sucking!
:''[A McDonald's Employee bites Mayor McCheese]''
:'''Mayor McCheese''': No! No! No! No! No! Aaaaahhhhhh!
:'''Hamburglar''': ''[stabs a McDonald's Employee, and holds up a McDonald's flag]'' Robble Robble!
:'''Announcer''': Les Misérobble Robble.
:''[The words &quot;Les Misérobble Robble&quot; appear along with Hamburglar]''

===The Robot Chicken Lots of Holidays But Don't Worry Christmas is Still In There Too so Pull the Stick Out of Your Ass Fox News Special [7.20]===
:And now back to &quot;The Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'hoole&quot; Christmas special.
Who? Who?
[Wings flapping]
Who is watching this program?
[sighs] Man, Christmas gets all the animated specials. I wish someone would do one for the other holidays. That would be so cool. [inhales, yawns] So... cool. [warble!] [groans] Huh?! Aaaaah! Aah! Aah! - He's a maniac! Help! - Both: Huh? Oh! What?! [Panting, crying] Whoops! Unh! What? Oh, boy. [funky, mid-tempo music plays] Ow! Your feet! Yeeow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh, my god! [sneezes] Uh...hey! Ow! Yeow! Yeow! Uh, that's okay. No, thank you. No, no, no. [Chatters] What the [bleep] Unh! Unh! Oh, yeah! I think I love you. Here goes. My New Year's resolution is - to quit drinking! - ... ... ... - Happy New Year! - All: Yay! [Twinkle!] Whoa! You're baby New Year! Did you come here to help me ring in ? No, Jim. I came to talk to you about the promise you made. Remember ... to give up drinking? But I made that resolution seconds ago. It's binding. Hyah! [Screaming] ♪ Baby New Year, resolution enforcer ♪ The Chipmunks' Christmas album went double-mahogany on the charts. So we decided to release a holiday album for - the other holidays. - # Theodore # Take a listen. [mid-tempo music plays] All: # St. Patrick's day is finally here # ♪ time to drink our weight in beer ♪ ♪ sipping green ale from a can ♪ ♪ I think I blew a homeless man ♪ And what's sure to be a halloween classic. All: # hello, people, trick or treat # ♪ I hope you give us something sweet ♪ ♪ give us candy, that's the plan ♪ ♪ I think I blew a homeless man ♪ Uh, Theodore, I think you're repeating the lyric - from St. Patrick's day. - Nope. I blew a homeless man on Halloween also. I was high on candy. - Okay! Well, there's ... - And PCP. There's also a great song for Thanksgiving! All: # hooray, it's finally turkey day # ♪ we'll drink and laugh our cares away ♪ ♪ eat pies of pumpkin and pecan ♪ I probably didn't blow a homeless man...? Theodore, this is a safe place. ♪ Okay, I definitely blew a homeless man ♪ [bells jingle] # He sees you when you're healthy # ♪ he knows when you feel sick ♪ [coughs] # he knows if you've been naughty or nice # ♪ that's right, Santa can't be tricked ♪ All right, let's go over my naughty-and-nice list for this year. Well, Billy Marchetti in Rochester stole a candy bar. Looks like someone is now on my naughty list. But he did it because his family's on welfare and his mom traded all the food stamps for heroin. Oh. Um... Hmm. That's a tough one. ♪ He watches when you're home ♪ ♪ he knows when you're away ♪ ♪ he's also starting to realize ♪ ♪ that life is morally gray ♪ Regina from Nome, Alaska, got an &quot;A&quot; on her math quiz. Well, that's cut-and-dried ... a gift for Regina. - But only because she cheated. - Okay, coal for Regina. Bu-u-u-u-u-u-t... she only cheated on the test because she can't read the blackboard due to the fact - she's dyslexic. - Aghhh! ♪ He's having an existential crisis ♪ ♪ that smug look's wiped off of his face ♪ Guys. Guys, stop. Stop singing. All right? Just ... just stop. I have a lot of things to think about. [wind whistling] Help yourself to some cookies, Sherry. I made them for the whole office. I told myself I wouldn't. But hey, yolo. Unh! ♪ Baby New Year, resolution enforcer ♪ Mother, are you watching over me, like Simba's dad did for him? [echoing] Here I am, Bambi. Oh, wow! Mom! D-Do you have any sage - advice for me? - Yes, my son. The rampant deer population is a real problem. - You have to k*ll yourself. - I-I thought you were gonna tell me, like, I was the one true king or something. No. You're a deer. Deer are meaningless! Meaningless... meaningless. Oh, I wish I had known her, father. - Yes, she was quite wonderful. - Tell me ... what was she like? Unh! Unh! Unh! Yeah! [dolphin squeals] Oh, she was enthusiastic, the most beautiful one in her pod. Oh, that's ... Wait ... pod? What pod? [yiddish accent] Nemo, put on your yarmulke - for your mother. - I don't want to! We're fish! - This is stupid! - Put on your yarmulke, Nemo! I'm tired of your shit! Sh'ma. Fishrael fish adonai... Happy Mother's day from all of us in the Disney family - who've lost our mothers. - Mickey, do you miss - your mama, too? - Ha! No! She ate all my brothers and sisters. Mice are monsters. [lisping] Oh, no. It's Valentine's day, and I have too many dates. Happy Hanukkah, Joshua. Here. I got you lots of Hanukkah gelt. [hip-hop music plays] [rapping] # I got so much Hanukkah gelt # ♪ yo, this musta been how Rockefeller felt ♪ ♪ chocolate money, it ain't even funny ♪ ♪ keep my wallet in the freezer so that shit don't melt ♪ ♪ I walk into the club, and I make it rain ♪ ♪ and now your booty all covered in a chocolate stain ♪ ♪ gelt in my socks, gelt in the banks ♪ ♪ I give gelt to my homies, and they say... ♪ - Together: Thanks! - # I give gelt to the Germans, - and they say... # - Together: Danke! ♪ I got more chocolate than Willy Wonka ♪ ♪ so much gelt, it'll make you sick ♪ ♪ I got more hot cocoa than Ice-T's [bleep] ♪ ♪ so much chocolate, make ya pop ya belt ♪ ♪ ya understand me, mother [bleep] ♪ - # I got so much gelt # - [gasps] Hey! This money's made of chocolate. You owe us grand. Oy gevalt! Happy Memorial day, my smurfs! This is the day on which we honor all the fallen smurfs of smurfs past. Myspace smurf. [bell tolls] Payphone smurf. [bell tolls] Ohhh, &quot;Talk to the hand&quot; smurf. [bell tolls] Michael Dukakis smurf. [bell tolls] I'm sensing a trend here. All of these smurfs were - kind of outdated. - Yes, it is a sad thing when a smurf outlives his usefulness. I mean, dies. Well, did these smurfs die of natural causes? Well, let me think. [twinkle!] Hmm. Doesn't look busy enough. [g*n] [g*n] Ew! Talk to the han... [g*n] [g*n] Yep ... natural causes. You sure about that? [dramatic music plays] Handy smurf ... tonight. He knows too much. Mrrow. [sighs] I swore I'd stop spanking it, but I just can't say no to you, Marjory. Unh! Unh! Unh! Broke your resolution, eh? [choking] - This makes it so much better! - I'm gonna sit this one out. ♪ Baby New Year, resolution enforcer ♪ I love spending these nights together, baby. Just me, you, and the desolation of nature. I love you, St. Nick. [rumbling] What the [bleep] Santa! Mrs. Claus! It is a true honor to meet you. I ... Hey, thanks for blocking our - view, dumbass! - Oh. Sorry. I didn't know your place was here when I threw the crystal. Good thing I didn't hook it, or your house would be in my living room. [laughs] There's a million [bleep] miles of ice up here, and you pick feet from our house for this... - Fortress of solitude. - You built your Fortress of solitude next to the only other house in the entire Arctic?! It'll be nice to have a neighbor. - Would you like some tea? - Another time, ma'am. Duty calls. Up, up, and away! Douche. Blitzen, have you been chewing on my boots again? Oh, god! [sighs] Son of a bitch. I had a fun thought. Why don't you wear - a cape tonight? - What? With an &quot;S&quot; on it. You know ... for &quot;Santa.&quot; [growls] Hello? Homeowners association? Superman's place is so close to mine, I can smell it when he takes a crap. Oh. Fine. Whatever. All right, see if Superman brings your kid that new wheelchair this Christmas. The H.O.A. won't kick him out unless I find just cause, huh? Hmm. What kind of weirdo builds an entire miniature city in a bottle? Ow! Tiny people! We've got tiny superpeople here! What the hell?! Aaaaargh! Ahhh! [techno music plays in distance] [groans] That's it! [slurred] Who the [bleep] are you? Who the [bleep] are you? This party is too g*dd*mn loud! Where's Superman? What the...? - Rudolph? - Huh? - Naw, man. I'm D.J. Venison. - Betrayal! Hey, everyone. Grandpa says we're being too loud. [music stops] [angry murmuring] What?! Which one of you buttholes is sh**ting arrows?! Yaaaaah! - Hello, neighbor! - Suck on this ruling, Tinker Bell! - The H.O.A. says you're out! - Well, the rules are the rules. Guess I should start packing. [laughs] Yeah. You do that. Don't forget to write. Oh, it's gonna be a good day, Martha. No more Superm... What the ... Superma-a-a-a-a-n! I'm sure Santa's out there somewhere, Martha. - I'll look some more ... - Tomorrow. Morning. - Mm! - Ohhh! [warble!] Ehhhhh?! - Oh, boy. - Shh. - Don't speak. - Mnnnnnh! [funky, mid-tempo music plays] [dramatic music plays] Oh! [gasps] - Friend of yours? - [gasps] Ohh!</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3148021</id>
      <parentid>3148020</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T05:42:46Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Bitch Pudding Special [7.16] */</comment>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="68723" xml:space="preserve">===G.I. Jogurt [7.01]===
:''[At the Emmy Awards, a G.I. Joe PSA of Roadblock talking to two children is shown on the big screen]''
:'''Roadblock''': I don't know why a 7-year-old would need to deep fry a turkey, but know you know how.
:'''Children''': And knowing is half the battle.
:''[The PSA ends with the &quot;G.I. Joe&quot; jingle]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Be a Turkey on Thanksgiving&quot;.
:''[The G.I. Joes clap, and Duke kisses Scarlett before he heads up with Roadblock to collect their award, while COBRA Commander and Destro watch on from the cheap seats]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': Look at them, Destro. The Joes churn out pedestrian advice to dead-eyed children, and the public eats it up! ''[mocking the Joes]'' &quot;Hey, kids, don't play with fallen electrical lines.&quot; ''[normal voice]'' Reads like a dispatch from the no-shit clinic.
:'''Destro''': I'll get the nerve gas.
:'''COBRA Commander''': No, you fool. We'll beat them at their own game. ''[clenching his fist]'' We'll create our own PSAs!
:''[Cut to COBRA Commander, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, and the Crimson Twins in the briefing room at COBRA Headquarters]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': OK, OK, let's just throw some ideas out there. This is a safe creative place. Dr. Mindbender, go.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Well, I thought our PSA could communicate an idea non-verbally. I've discovered that painting directly on celluloid creates a sort of &quot;tone poem&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Holy ''[bleep]'', that's sounds terrible. I'm sorry, safe place, but holy shit, that was fucking dumb. Next!
:'''Baroness''': ''[enters the room]'' Oh, I forgot you guys were in here writing. I was just looking for a hammer to hang my degree in screenwriting from Aberdeen. Anything I can do for you while I'm in here? ''[looks at him]'' Destro?
:'''Destro''': She's actually really funny, you guys.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Hey, you lost me at &quot;She's&quot;. ''[Bleep'' it! We're doing it without a script.
:''[Cut to the set of COBRA's PSAs, as Destro supervises, Storm Shadow is having his makeup done by one COBRA soldier, and two more soldiers move a camera. Dr. Mindbender enters the set with a group of children]''
:'''Destro''': Dr. Mindbender, you found four young children for our PSAs.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Uh, yes. ''[puts his arms around the children]'' That is what these kidnapped children are for.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[talking to Storm Shadow, who is reading his lines]'' OK, Storm Shadow, these two children will be running with scissors. Now, this upsets you, and you...
:'''Storm Shadow''': Why?
:'''COBRA Commander''': It's dangerous to run with scissors.
:'''Storm Shadow''': I run with Katana. Is that not dangerous?
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow, I hadn't thought of that. Excellent point, Storm Shadow. ''[whispers to Tomax]'' Get this piece of ''[bleep]'' off my set!
:''[One of the children runs past, giggling while running with scissors, but ends up getting killed by Storm Shadow]''
:'''Storm Shadow''': Well, COBRA Commander, it looks like I owe you an apology.
:''[First COBRA PSA: Serpentor telling children about using supplies only at the post office]''
:'''Serpentor''': So, remember, only take supplies if you'll use them for post office business. Any other use is a felony.
:'''Boy''': Now I'm aware.
:'''Serpentor''': ''[putting his arms around the children and smiling]'' And awareness is the second 50% of the conflict in question. ''[beat]'' Somebody say ''[bleep]''ing &quot;Cut&quot;!
:''[Second COBRA PSA: COBRA Commander tells children about the joys of reading]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': And I think you'll find it's not hard to read when you take the time to sssssssssound it out. ''[both children giggle]'' Oh, yesss, I've got a sssmall ssspeech impediment. ''[both children laugh; irritated]'' It'sss not funny! ''[removes his mask, as the children scream and run away, only for the Commander to shoot them dead]'' Shut. It. Down.
:''[At the next Emmy Awards...]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Star in a COBRA PSA&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[shaking his fist]'' What?!
:'''Destro''': ''[shouting over to the troops]'' Pump the nerve gas!

===Link's Sausages [7.02]===
:''[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are standing in the street]''
:'''Tommy Pickles''': ''[holding his Reptar doll]'' Well, after crossing the freeway, base jumping off a cliff, and dodging bullets in a gang war, we finally found my Reptar doll.
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enters the street, finding the babies]'' Tommy! What are you doing in the street?!
:''[Cut to the Pickles' house]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, thank God! They've been lost for hours! Where were they?
:'''Didi Pickles''': Stu, a word?  ''[they walk into the kitchen, their voices get muffled as they talk with the door shut]'' What the ''[bleep]'', Stu?!
:'''Stu Pickles''': Well, I'm sorry. The babies escaped, and I-
:'''Didi Pickles''': Escaped?! They're babies, you sackless moron!
:'''Stu Pickles''': I was downstairs, working on a new toy, and they just-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, a new toy! Never mind, then!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[tearing up]'' Didi, if you keep ridiculing my work, I-I swear to God-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enraged]'' What?! You'll hit me?! Ooh, you're such a man!
:''[Thudding and crashing are heard as Didi violently beats Stu offscreen]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': Didi, stop!
:'''Didi Pickles''': I'll be the man! See, Stu?! I'm the man!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[sobbing]'' I want a divorce!
:''[The babies look devastated as the screen cut to static]''

===Secret of the Booze [7.03]===
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf shaving his beard in his house]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': I don't usually get involved in day-to-day operations, so I'm smurfing undercover. They'll never smurf it's me. ''[chuckles; takes off his pants]'' Ohh, I haven't smurfed these things off in nearly 300 years! Talk about crotch rot!
:''[Title Card: Undercover Smurf Boss]''
:'''Farmer Smurf''': So, you're my new intern, huh?
:'''Papa Smurf''': That's right, Farmer Smurf. Teach me to care about your sad, little life...I mean your noble and fulfilling, uh, career choice.
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Well, Smurfs are a thirsty bunch, so we got to smurf them fresh milk every day!
:''[A giant caterpillar slithers in and turns onto its side, revealing its udders]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[being filmed]'' We've been drinking CATERPILLAR MILK?! ''[milks the giant caterpillar, his hands getting sore]'' Oh, this is agony. It feels like my hands are gonna smurf off!
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Yep, my carpal tunnel got so bad, they had to fuse my wrist bones in place!
:'''Papa Smurf''': But our healthcare is smurfy, right?
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Eh, my deductible is 2,000 smurfberries.
:'''Papa Smurf''': WHAT?! ''[cash register dings]''
:''[Title Card: 1 Smurfberry = 1.78 USD]''
:''[Scene cuts to the Smurf Hospital. Doctor Smurf packs his medical bag]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': Doctor Smurf, why are deductibles so high?
:'''Doctor Smurf''': Boy, you smurf a lot of uppity questions for an intern. Uh, just treat the next patient while I go for a Jamba Juice run in my gold-plated helicopter.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Actually, I'm not really qualified.
:''[Outside the window, Doctor Smurf takes off in his gold-plated helicopter. Door opens, Smurfette and Handy Smurf enter the room]''
:'''Smurfette''': We need Doctor Smurf! Handy had an accident!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Did someone get a sliver? ''[Handy shows his bleeding hand, missing all of his fingers]'' OH MY SMURFING GOD!!!
:'''Handy Smurf''': I sawed right through a load-bearing mushroom! Half our building materials are fungus! Oh, trade school didn't prepare me for this!
:'''Smurfette''': You can smurf his fingers, right, nurse?
:'''Papa Smurf''': I'll certainly try. ''[being filmed]'' I certainly tried.
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf sewing Handy's fingers while Handy lies dead on the table]''
:'''Smurfette''': ''[crying]'' You can probably stop sewing.
:'''Papa Smurf''': No, no, no. I-I'm gonna get this. ''[walks up to Grouchy Smurf]'' So, Grouchy Smurf, how's the coffee today?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate coffee!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh! Okay. But how do you like working here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate working here.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh, goodness. Okay. Well, is there anything that maybe Papa Smurf could do?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate Papa Smurf!
:'''Papa Smurf''': All right, what exactly do you do around here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I-I hate stuff?
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[puts on his red hat]'' I'm being deadly serious.
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I...I... ''[cuts to him, shoveling dog poop outside]'' I hate shoveling dog ''[bleep]''.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Well, now that's actually an appropriate reaction. Carry on, dog-''[bleep]'' Smurf! ''[leaves]''
:''[More dog poop falls from above, next to Grouchy]''

===Rebel Appliance [7.04]===
:'''Lion-O''': My fellow Thundercats! When danger is near, I shall hold the Sword of Omens aloft and yell out a battle cry
:'''Cheetara''': What shall our battle cry be, Lion-O?
:'''Lion-O''': &quot;Thunder, thunder, thunder, thundercats, I need you because evil is near, and we are friends, and we are a team. So we must come together and fight because the Eye of Thundera is in the sky, and it is summoning everyone together. So please come here Panthro and Tygra and Panthro and also Cheetara and also Wilykit and Wilicat and also Snarf. I think I said Panthro twice. I won't do that every time. Yes, we are the Thundercats. This is our battle cry. I love you guys. You are my best friends, and I am Lion-O and I am a Thundercat, and you guys are Thundercats too. Mumm Ra is not a Thundercat, he's bad and we're gonna win against him, because we are the Thundercats, and the Thundercats are here for you today because we are the Thundercats yeah, I'm Lion-O&quot;. I hope you write that down.
:'''Snarf''': I liked it. ''[Wilykat slaps him]'' OW!

===Legion of Super-Gyros [7.05]===
:''[With Grover and Oscar the Grouch]''
:'''Grover''': Oh boy, it sure is a great day here on Sesame Street!
:'''Oscar''': Yeah, especially since we're the last neighborhood in New York that hasn't been gentrified.
:'''Grover''': Until today, because our special guest is Hannah Horvath from the marginally popular but ignored in the flyover states HBO series, Girls!
:'''Hannah''': Hey, do you know where I could find a cocaine dealer/organic Vietnamese taco truck around here?
:'''Oscar''': ''[Bleep]'' me! ''[gets back inside his trash can]''
:'''Hannah''': ''[feels Grover]'' Ooh, you're so cute! ''[later that night]'' I really love how you don't play games, Grover.
:'''Grover''': Oh but I play lots of games, patty cake, and marco polo...Ugh!
:'''Hannah''': ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jacking off]'' Insult my parents! Oh yeah!
:'''Grover''': Woah! ''[scene cuts to him and Hannah learning about numbers with apples]'' Today, we are going to learn about the number 3, I have 3 apples!
:'''Hannah''': And I know 3 girls who were date raped at the same bar on 6th street.
:'''Grover''': That is sad. ''[Hannah eats the apple]'' Uh...you're eating my props.
:'''Hannah''': I'm proud of my body.
:'''Grover''': I know, I know.
:'''Hannah''': Ugh! Yeah! ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jerking off again]''
:'''Grover''': Oh, God!

===El Skeletorio [7.06]===
:'''Crypt Keeper''': Oh, hello! I was just enjoying the latest best &quot;heller&quot;! ''[laughs evilly, but then rips off book cover]'' This is actually Dan Brown's &quot;Inferno.&quot; It's a piece of shit. Our next tale is something of an &quot;alle-gory&quot;! You might say it's a &quot;meta-gore&quot;! Let's just roll it.
:''[Cuts to the outside of Bitch Pudding's house, where the title of the sketch appears. We cut to inside the hpuse, where Bitch Pudding is sleeping]''
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out. Get out of the house. Get out of the hou-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Why don't you get your tongue out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole so I can jam your mama's ''[bleep]'' up there, you ''[bleep]''-gargling pile of monkey spunk? Nothing to say now, huh?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': There's just a lot to unpack there.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Well, wake me up when you figure it out, ''[bleep]'' stick. ''[goes back to sleep]''
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding goes to her fridge when she sees the chairs and flower pot of her table are now completely deformed]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed, she flips them over and destroys them]'' BLAM! Where's your ''[bleep]''-ass art project now, ''[bleep]'' nut?
:'''Ghostly voice''': It wasn't supposed to be art, it was supposed to scare you! God! Forget it! I'm leaving! ''[cuts to Strawberry Shortcake's house, where she is sleeping]'' Strawberry Shortcake!
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': ''[wakes up]'' Huh? What?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out of the house!
:''[A red substance begins to ooze out of the walls, causing Strawberry Shortcake to scream in fear]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[breaks in through the window]'' Hey, ''[bleep]''ing clown, if you're ragging so bad, why don't you take your mama's tampon out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole and lick it clean before you shove it up your ''[bleep]''?!
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Hey, stop talking about my dad's ''[bleep]''hole! I'll-I'll leave town, okay? Oh, FYI, that isn't blood, that is strawberry jam, m'lady. The insulation is leaking. All I did was turn the painting upside down. Live with it.
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': Do you think he was right about the insulation? That could be berry expensive.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hmm, let's see. That depends on whether I give a ''[bleep]'', ''[bleep]'' tits! ''[make a fanfare noise]'' Bitch Pudding! BLAM! ''[jumps out the window]''
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': I should really move.

===Snarfer Image [7.07]===
:''[Ticking, cuts to Elmer Fudd in a field]''
:'''Elmer Fudd:'' ''[narrating]'' Time travel has not been invented yet, ''[cocks his gun]'' but in 30 years, it will be. ''[gunshot]'' In the future, TV networks don't awwow cartoons to have guns, so if they want to kill someone, they send them back here to me. My name is Elmer Fudd, and I'm a Wooper. ''[Title Card: Wooper]'' The only wule is never let your target escape, even if your target is you.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': ''[appears in the field]'' What are you waiting for? Shoot me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': What?!
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': In the future, they don't let me have a gun! That was my one dimension as a character! Know what I did yesterday? I slept for 15 hours and then beat it to a Weader's Digest! Help me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': I can't.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': Come on, give it to me. ''[crying]'' Pleeeease. ''[gunshot]''
:'''Yosemite Sam''': ''[appears in the field]'' I'll have what he's having. ''[gunshot]''
:''[Cuts to Porky Pig on the Looney Tunes circles. The words &quot;That's all, folks!&quot; appear in front]''
:'''Porky Pig''': Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-...That's all, folks! ''[gunshot]''

===Up, Up, and Buffet [7.08]===
:'''Fiona''': The spell has broken! This was my true form all along! I can't wait to marry you, Shrek!
:'''Shrek''': Marry you?
:'''Fiona''': Well, yeah! Since we look the same now, we'll live happily ever after!
:'''Shrek''': Fiona, every morning, I look at myself in the mirror, and I wish my mother had the courage to throw me in the river when I was born. Then I make my way to the putrid swamps, the only place on God's green Earth a monster like me feels at home. Sometimes, children gather to scream at me. &quot;Monster!  Animal!&quot;, they yell. Then someone screams, &quot;Kill yourself!&quot; and it takes a few seconds to realize the voice is coming from my own mouth! By then, I've made my way to the old hanging tree. Before I have time to think about it, I'm wrapping a vine around my own neck. It goes &quot;tot&quot; and I pray to the gods that this time, the vine will hold! But alas, everyday, I wake up in my own filth and I lie there and I cry. I cry because I'll live to see my face again! So nay, marrying a lass with a face as hideous as my own is not on my to-do list!
:'''Fiona''':''[with her mouth full]'' Have you tried these mini cheeseburgers? They're great! ''[sees Shrek hanging from a noose, and to Shrek's disappointment, the noose snaps]''

===Panthropologie [7.09]===
:''[Caption: LEGO City, 2014]''
:'''Wife''': Honey, look out! Cliche!
:'''Gerry''': Huh? ''[all screaming]'' What's happening?!
:'''Cop''': Kre-O! They're everywh- Aah! ''[gets torn apart by the Kre-O's]''
:'''Wife''': There's something wrong with them. They look like us but different!
:'''General''': ''[lands in the helicopter]'' This way! Hurry! Your life has more value than other people! ''[the Lanes get onto the helicopter]'' Gerry, we need your expertise!
:'''Gerry''': My expertise? I'm not a soldier!
:'''General''': Gerry, we need a lawyer.
:''[Title Card: WORLD WAR B (as in blocks)]''
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': Put simply, Gerry, we're being invaded by imitation blocks.
:'''Assistant''': Off-brand products with a taste for LEGO blood!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': They're nearly identical but different. Wrong. Like when you sit on your hand until it goes to sleep. You try to pretend Flo from the Progressive commercials is giving you an HJ, but you know it's not Flo. You know that! She'd never be so clumsy, so artless.
:'''General''': That's impossible! We're trademarked!
:'''Gerry''': No, general. LEGO bricks aren't protected by trademark. They're protected by patent.
:'''General''': Hell, man, what's the difference?
:'''Gerry''': The difference is...patents expire! Cool! Someone turned that legal document into a GIF. That's fun.
:'''General''': Isn't it &quot;jiff&quot;? Anyway, how do we stop it?
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': There's nothing we can do. ''[whispering]'' Don't worry, Flo. I'll protect you.
:'''Assistant''': Don't worry, girl from the Wendy's commercials.
:'''General''': Don't worry, GEICO gecko.
:''[Cut to the map]''
:'''Gerry''': ''[narrating]'' They covered the whole globe in no time: Mega Bloks, Kre-O, Best-Lock, CoCo, BanBao, Rokenbok, Super Blocks, and Leggo with two g's, which was especially insulting.
:''[Caption: Lego Headquarters, Denmark]''
:''[Zombies groaning]''
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' LEGO my baby, LEGO my honey, LEGO my ragtime gal...
:'''Son''': Daddy, are we safe?
:'''Gerry''': Of course we are, son. People are singing, aren't they? Ugh. That is the lowest form of music.
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' ...Honey, you'll lose me, then you'll be left alone...
:''[Zombies groaning loudly]''
:'''Gerry''': The terrible singing! They're attracted to the terrible singing! ''[the zombies start climbing over the walls. Gerry knocks out the quartet. Soldiers start shooting]'' Ohh! - Ow! Fire! Fire! They're too fast!-Ohh!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': ''[runs in with the syringe]'' Gerry, I've found a way to camouflage ourselves!
:'''Gerry''': That beats my solution. ''[acts out shooting zombies, and then acts out shooting himself]'' Pew pew! Pew pew! Pew!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': LEGOs are machined to a tolerance of 10 micrometers! That's why we're so expensive! But this serum will make us look cheaper and sloppier! ''[injects himself]'' Aah! ''[turns into a Playmobil figure]'' We look like them now!
:'''Gerry''': I'd rather die.
:'''Son''': ''[notices something]'' What?! They have Transformers?
:'''Gerry''': No, son! No!
:'''Son''': Aah! ''[Bumblebee rips him in half]''
:'''Gerry''': Nooooooo!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': You probably don't even want to go on living now.
:'''Gerry''': Huh? Oh, that was just a kid from my wife's first marriage. But that looked really painful. Hit me with the juice! ''[gets injected]'' Ugh! ''[the serum transforms him into...]'' No! You turned me into a ''[bleep]''ing DUPLO! It's the same company as LEGO, you fool! Aah! Aah! ''[Mrs. Lane and the Doctor run away whilst DUPLO Gerry gets his head ripped off]'' Guys, is this ending working? Let's re-shoot it.
:''[Zombies murmuring]''

===Catdog on a Stick [7.10]===
:'''Executive''': You sure you wanna do a movie, Tiger?
:'''Tiger''': I want to be beloved again, like before I had sex with all those waitresses from IHOP. Jordan did Space Jam. I want my Space Jam.
:'''Executive''': Well, studios aren't lining up to lend their characters to a Tiger Woods movie. Everyone aggressively passed except DiC, but I cannot recommend that.
:''[Cut to the title card for the Golf Jam movie]''
:'''Singers''': Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to Tiger on the golf course]''
:'''Tiger''': Time for a day of playing golf and being faithful to my girlfriend. ''[falls down a large hole]'' What? Whoooooooa!! ''[lands in DiC Land, surrounded by Heathcliff and other DiC characters]'' Ow!
:'''Heathcliff''': Welcome to DiC Land, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[getting up from his fall and waving hello]'' Why, hi, Garfield.
:'''Heathcliff''': I'm Heathcliff. I'm more romantic and have an accent. This is Cleo.
:'''Cleo''': We need your help, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to put my penis in you... ''[snaps back to attention, and looks at the camera]'' I mean, I love my girlfriend.
:'''Cleo''': We brought you here because the evil Dork Punks challenged us to a game of golf.
:'''Tiger''': ''[once again enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to hump your face... ''[flustered]'' I mean, help your face- ''[snaps out of it again]'' Help you, I will help you!
:''[The Dork Punks walk into the shot, as Tiger turns to look at them]''
:'''Dork Punk''': Let's tee off, DiC-heads!
:''[Tiger and Heathcliff look at each other and nod, and we cut to a golf-playing montage. Tiger (now wearing a cap with the DiC logo on it) hits a beautful shot as Heathcliff, Cleo, and a couple of other toons watch. LongArm uses his gauntlet to sink a putt, as Tiger chats up Princess Lana and receives a slap to the face from her. As Cleo prepares to sink her putt, Tiger walks up from behind and starts pretending to hump her. Ja-Kal prepares to take a shot as Armon looks on, but a piece of Armon's gauze is caught on Ja-Kal's club. As Ja-Kal swings, he and Armon both get tied up in Armon's gauze. Tiger is seen in one of the bunkers with Nefer-Tina sitting on top of him, as she unwraps the gauze from her upper body much to Tiger's delight. The montage ends as Tiger is getting ready to sink his final putt, with Cleo and Hammerman watching on]''
:'''Hammerman''': If you sink this putt, we win!
:'''Tiger''': Wish me luck, Bobby Brown.
:'''Hammerman''': Bobby Brown? I'm Hammerman! I'm M.C. Hammer, except not, and I have magic shoes. ''[shows off his magic dancing shoes]''
:'''Tiger''': ''[looks at Cleo]'' You know, I don't even know if I want to save you DiC's. You're just uninspired rehashes of good ideas. Seriously, how cheap is DiC? This is a movie, and you all look like you were drawn on a napkin.
:'''Cleo''': Win the game and I'll blow you.
:''[Upon hearing this, Tiger immediately sinks the putt and wins the game. As the DiC toons celebrate, Tiger unzips his pants and takes a terrified Cleo by the hand into the Pancake House for his well-earned blowjob]''
:'''Hammerman''': ''[rapping]'' Everybody tee off, get a club in your hands, charisma-free sex addict saving DiC Land! Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to black with the bold white text &quot;Golf Jam was rented once from Redbox. The copy was returned on time.&quot;]''

===Super Guitaro Center [7.11]===
:'''Shredder''': The &quot;Channel 6 News Masquerade Ball&quot; is the opportunity for me to kidnap April O'Neil. She's the perfect bait to catch the turtles. ''[surprised to see April's costume]'' Wow! Out of that bulky lesbian jumpsuit, she's hot as ''[bleep]''!
:'''April''': Care to dance, Mr. Potter?
:'''Shredder''': WHAT?! ''[cuts to Shredder dancing with April]'' And, what's your costume?
:'''April''': Belle from &quot;Beauty and The Beast&quot;, but a dick-slut.
:'''Shredder''': Is your favorite restaurant, Taco &quot;Belle&quot;?
:''[Both laugh]''
:'''April''': You are hilarious.
:'''Shredder''': On the count of 3, say your favorite band. 1, 2, 3!
:'''Shredder and April''': Toad the Wet Sprocket! ''[pause, they both kiss]''
:'''April''': ''[feels the blade, and gasped]'' Wait. Are you-
:'''Shredder''': In love? Yes. WHAT?! Bye! ''[leaves]''
:'''April''': ''[realizing]'' Shredder?
:''[Cut to Shredder with April outside her apartment after the party]''
:'''Shredder''': Think of something poetic, Oroku. ''[to April]'' But soft, you are total boner food!
:'''April''': Oh, Shredder. My heart doesn't take sides.
:'''Shredder''': People won't approve.
:'''April''': No one can keep us apart.
:''[They both kiss again. Then cuts to the sewer]''
:'''Raphael''': Aww, Hell to the No! ''[punches a brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''April''': We're soul mates! We both love Toad the Wet Sprocket.
:'''Michelangelo''': Toad the-What?! Is that a sex thing?! Have you guys had sex?!
:'''April''': No. Just dry humping, and ball play.
:'''Raphael''': Ball play?! ''[punches the same brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''Splinter''': You must stay away from Shredder, April. He is dangerous. Sleep here tonight. Donatello, grab the guest pillows.
:''[Donatello grabs pizza boxes which are the guest pillows, and puts them on the couch. Later while everyone's asleep, Shredder comes up from behind the couch to see April]''
:'''April''': ''[gasps]'' What are you doing here?
:'''Shredder''': I came to say &quot;Hi&quot;, ''[lays down next to her]'' and also have sex after the whole &quot;Hi&quot; thing.
:'''April''': It's like Six Flags Hurricane Harbor in my panties right now. ''[they both kiss again. Later, we see her and Shredder outside the manhole]'' Mmm, Mmm. You really Toadied my Wet Sprocket. When will I see you again?
:'''Shredder''': Soon, I hope. I should go before the turtles wake up. Plus, I have some major ExtenZe farts coming on. ''[farts]''
:''[Next morning while April was having her breakfast]''
:'''Donatello''': April, just go on one date with Casey. He's a good guy.
:'''April''': Casey is a jobless loser in sweats! ''[walks away]''
:'''Casey''': Good start to my morning.
:'''[Cut to April with the Rat King]''
:'''April''': So, I left. What should I do, Mr. Rat King? I belong with Shredder.
:'''Rat King''': I have an idea! And my idea involves you taking a lot of poison very quickly.
:'''April''': ''[pause, interested]'' Go on?
:''[Cut to April playing dead]''
:'''Shredder''': ''[shocked]'' It can't be! April?! NO!!!! WHY?!?! ''[accidentally hits April with his spikes]''
:'''April''': ''[wakes up in pain]'' Ow! Ow! Ow! What the ''[bleep]''?! Shredder!
:'''Shredder''': April! You're alive!
:'''April''': The poison only made me appear dead. Didn't you read &quot;Romeo and Juliet&quot;, you ''[bleep]''ing ass clown? ''[gags and dies]''
:'''Shredder''': NOOOOOOO!!!!!! ''[a few seconds of silence]'' Just gonna take my Toad the Wet Sprocket bootleg back. ''[takes his CD back, and leaves]''

===Noidstrom Rack [7.12]===
:'''Picard''': ''[dozing in the captain's chair on the bridge of the Enterprise]'' What's that Beverly? You want Wesley to watch? Hmm, make it so! ''[jerks awake]'' Oh, 2300 hours, time for the night crew to relieve us! ''[moves to leave the bridge, as Captain Jake enters]'' Captain.
:'''Captain Jake''': Capitan! ''[the Enterprise bridge crew file out, as their night crew replacements enter]'' Night crew, maintain course. ''[cut to the Enterprise moving through space]'' Space, the final frontier! These are the 11pm to 7am voyages of the Enterprise's night crew. Its continuing mission...is to PAR-TAY! ''[starts drinking from a beer can as the night crew cheer]''
:'''Night Crew''': Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! [A Borg cube appears on the view screen]
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Captain Jake, a Borg cube is hailing us.
:'''Captain Jake''': They probably want us to turn down our jams...Fat chance!
:'''Borg Drone''': Lower your shields, your culture will adapt to service us.
:'''Captain Jake''': You want us to service you?
:'''Borg Drone''': Affirmative. You will service the Borg, all night if needed! ''[Commander LaFreak sniggers. The Borg Drone looks unamused]'' Wait! Our hive mind has assimilated double entendres- real mature, guys! Prepare for assimilation! ''[the Borg cube begins to shoot at the Enterprise with its lasers]''
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Our shields won't last long, sir! Should we wake up the bald guy?
:'''Captain Jake''': ''[opens another can of beer]'' No way, Commander LaFreak! We'll beat the Borg like we beat that frat on Gallos 7!
:'''Commander LaFreak''': We'll sell naked photos of their girlfriends at a pie-eating contest?
:'''Captain Jake''': What?! No! Like any frat, the Borg share a hive mind, man. If we get one Borg to party, all Borg will party! Night crew, prepare to rock out with our Spocks out! ''[the night crew beam across to the Borg cube]'' Anybody order a partygram? ''[the night crew start playing music and drinking with the Borg drones in the cube. He pulls out a bottle of champagne to a female Borg drone]'' Wet t-shirt contest! ''[opens the champagne bottle on the female drone, who doesn't react even when he douses her chest]'' Oh right, no shirt...you want mine? ''[removes his Captain's jumper, just as the Borg drone he talked to advances on him]'' Whoa, chill out, dude! Wait, is she your daughter?
:'''Borg Drone''': Enough! Partying is futile! ''[jabs Captain Jake with its injection tubes, only to recoil. Captain Jake grins]'' Your blood, so full of beer! Your party, so hearty! ''[grabs a cup of beer from a Klingon night crew member and chugs it]'' Woo-hoooo! ''[the rest of the Borg join the drone and the night crew in partying]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Now this, I can assimilate! ''[he and the drone hug]''
:''[Cut to the Borg cube drawing a giant cock on a planet with its lasers. Cut to an awards ceremony on the bridge of the Enterprise]''
:'''Starfleet Admiral''': Captain Jake, Starfleet thanks you for defeating the Borg. ''[hangs a medal around Captain Jake's neck]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Bitchin'!
:'''Picard''': ''[fuming]'' NIGHT CREEEEEEWWWWW! ''[everyone looks round nervously, until he grins]'' Beer me! ''[the night crew cheer and Jake tosses Picard a can]'' You glorious sons of bitches!

===Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13]===
:''[The Disney Princess Castle is shown]''
:'''Snow White''': ''[from inside]'' Welcome to the Princess Summit, ''[cut to inside]'' where we address the complex political issues facing our kingdoms.
:'''Rapunzel''': Hairstyles.
:'''Cinderella''': Talking pets.
:'''Tiana''': Hairstyles for our talking pets.
:'''Ariel''': Crabs. ''[everyone looks at her in disgust]'' I've got crabs.
:'''Snow White''': Well, isn't that just, um...and where is our newest princess?
:'''Merida''': ''[enters, carrying a dead boar dripping with blood]'' Ach! Sorry I'm late. I killed a boar on the way here.
:'''Aurora''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, you're so feminist and empowered. Great.
:'''Merida''': ''[laying boar on the table and gutting it]'' 'Ey, wee beastie! Have we got to grievances yet? A bunch of wee dwarves are illegally mining me territory.
:'''Snow White''': Oh, Merida, you have far bigger problems. Let me tell you about them.
:'''Merida''': Not a damn song.
:'''Snow White''': ''[singing]'' Here's a list of things to drop;
:Your accent, bow, that tangled mop.
:Fifteen pounds from off your hips
:Those ginger afros 'neath your pits
:And no prince will want to mingle
:With a girl with no hit single.
:''[Cinderella, Aurora, and Ariel hold up gold records]''
:'''Cinderella''': ''[spoken]'' And your pet's hair is a disaster.
:'''Merida''': That's me mother! She's a bear! The trailer was very misleading! ''[holds the knife to Snow White's neck''] I came here looking for justice; instead, I found treachery. Prepare yourself for war. ''[Leaves]''
:'''Mulan''': ''[following Merida]'' Someone finally said it! See you on the killing field, round-eyes. ''[leaves]''
:'''Belle''': Amen, sister. ''[leaves]''
:'''Tiana''': Stuck-up bitches!
:''[Rapunzel follows. The remaining princesses look on. We transition to the next scene where Snow White is preparing her army for war against Merida's army]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, that Merida! I'll show her. ''[out the window]'' Send in my war counsel. ''[a cute Disney-esque bird flies up to the windowsill]'' What shall I do, little one?
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Core that bitch like an apple.
:'''Snow White''': Oh my.
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Weave a tapestry of their intestines.
:'''Snow White''': Okay, okay, I get it, I get it. We need weapons.
:'''Cinderella''': I've got a guy.
:''[The Fairy Godmother appears]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, good idea. We'll fight them with magic.
:'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[laying bag of assault weapons on table]'' Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo, that's twenty grand.
:'''Princesses''': Ooh, wow!
:'''Ariel''': Do you need thingamabobs? I've got thingamabobs.
:'''Jasmine''': Nobody cares about the dildo collection you dredged up from the Atlantic, you fishy bitch. ''[Ariel runs away crying]'' Anyone else have cold tits?
:''[We cut to Merida's training grounds]''
:'''Merida''': All right, ladies. Show me what you've got.
:'''Rapunzel''': ''[whips the practice dummy with her hair, dismembering it, then strangling it]'' I finally found the perfect conditioner— ''[pops the dummy's head off]'' blood!
:'''Louis''': ''[shooting arrows and missed the target]'' Oh, curse these stubby arms.
:'''Merida''': You're an alligator. Be an alligator!
:''[Louis turns to Mushu, who is standing beside him]''
:'''Mushu''': Oh, wait! Don't...!
:'''Louis''': ''[eats Mushu]'' Oh! I'm so sorry!
:'''Mulan''': No, no, it was...it was a good kill.
:''[Cut to Snow White's army, ready for their coming battle]''
:'''Snow White''': Not all of us will live to wish upon a star tonight, but we give our lives for a greater good.
:'''Aurora''': ''[yawning]'' Oh dear, I think I'm getting sleepy. I might have to sit this one out, guys.
:'''Snow White''': Don't you pull that shit now!
:'''Aurora''': Just teasing.
:''[An arrow fired by an off-screen Merida strikes Aurora in the throat, killing her instantly]''
:'''Merida''': ''[with her army at the top of a hill]'' Bring me the scalp and/or weave of Snow White! Charge!
:''[The armies charge at each other]''
:'''Jasmine''': I will show you a world of death!
:''[They meet in the middle, where Ariel, now a mermaid, has brought an atomic bomb]''
:'''Ariel''': Look, everyone! I brought my thingamabob! My weapons-grade thingamabob!
:'''Cinderella''': Oh, you just don't know what words are. That's your thing.
:''[The bomb starts beeping, indicating its imminent detonation]''
:'''Princesses''': ''[realizing]'' Ahh! Run away! Run away! ''[running away from the bomb]''
:'''Sebastian''': ''[pops up from behind the bomb, singing]'' Bend over and grab your ankles!
:''[The bomb explodes, completely obscuring the scene with smoke and ash, until it dissipates, revealing that the explosion has eradicated almost everything, leaving nothing but a barren wasteland]''
:'''Merida''': ''[wounded, trudges by]'' Me mother's a bear.
:''[Tinkerbell arrives, then shoots her in the head with a gun, winks, and leaves]''

===Walking Dead Lobster [7.14]===
:''[We start on a gradient aquamarine-blue background, where the Gullah Gullah Island logo rolls in]''
:'''Announcer''': And now, back to Gullah Gullah Island!
:''[We cut to Ron and Natalie's house, where everyone plays Leapfrog with. Two policemen, one blonde and the other with brown hair, arriving at the front door]''
:'''Ron''': ''[jumps over Shaina and Binyah-Binyah]'' This sure is fun, Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': Binyah-Binyah! Have fun, too!
:''[The policemen knock on the door]''
:'''Ron''': I'll get it. ''[opens the door to show the policemen]''
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Hello, sir. We've investigated a tip. A criminal might be in the area; he's robbed a bank and shot three policemen.
:'''Ron''': Oh, no! Well, there's nobody here but me, my wife, our three children, and our man-sized pet polliwog.
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Yeah-no, no, no, that's a man in a frog suit.
:'''Natalie''': ''[incredulous]'' What?! No, he's just a giant polliwog we rescued.
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Where did you find him?
:'''Vanessa''': Oh, behind an amphibious animal costume shop!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': I'm gonna need him out of that frog suit by the count of three. ''[pulls out a pistol]'' One...
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': ''[raises both arms in the air as the Alstons stare in shock]'' Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Two...
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': ''[scared, waving arms]'' Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Three!
:'''Frogman''': ''[screams and strips out of costume, making the Alstons cover their eyes from seeing his nude lesion-covered body]'' No! Don't shoot!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': ''[still points pistol with other officer]'' Down on the ground, Frogman!
:'''Natalie''': ''[disgusted]'' What's on his skin?!
:'''Frogman''': Sores, you dumbass! From wearing that polliwog costume for four months straight! ''[is handcuffed by the blonde policeman and pulled out of the house]'' Binyah-Binyah! Binyah-Binyah!
:''[The brown-haired policeman clubs Frogman on the back of his head to knock him out, ending the sketch''

===Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15]===
:'''Peter Pan''': Fly with me, to Neverland! ''[flies out of the window with the Darling children]''
:'''Mary Darling''': ''[arrives with her husband too late]'' Children, no!
:''[Scene cuts to Neverland]''
:'''Peter Pan''': These are the Lost Boys. They're not vampires. ''[phone rings from inside a tree; curiously]'' We have a phone? ''[picks up the receiver]'' Hello?
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[on the phone]'' I don't know who you are. ''[cut to him with George and Mary]'' I don't know what you want. I don't know why you dress like...
:'''Mary Darling''': A gay Robin Hood.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Like a gay Robin Hood. I have a very particular set of skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. By which I guess I mean, flying gay Robin Hoods.
:''[Cut to Peter]''
:'''Peter Pan''': Good luck finding Neverland, grandpa. ''[hangs up and leaves]''
:''[Cut back to Bryan, George, and Mary]''
:'''George Darling''': Oh, what's he saying?
:'''Bryan Mills''': He's saying, &quot;Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...&quot;
:'''Mary Darling''': That's the dial tone.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Dial tone? ''[hangs up]'' Well, this is a very old phone. ''[to George and Mary]'' He's holding your children in what I presume is an underground sex club called Neverland.
:'''George Darling''': Oh thank goodness, you do security work for bankers like myself, Mr. Mills, but how will you reach the children? They were flying!
:'''Mary Darling''': I think I heard them say something about thinking happy thoughts.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Happy thoughts, eh? ''[imagining himself in the thought bubble, grabbing Peter Pan and throwing him on a step]''
:'''Peter Pan''': No! No! Please!
:''[Bryan crushes Peter's head destroying his face, the thought bubble vanishes]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': Whoo hoo, off I go! ''[flies through the roof]''
:''[Scene cuts to Neverland, Bryan kills the Lost Boys, except Slightly, who turns around and sees the other Lost Boys dead covered in blood]''
:'''Slightly''': ''[farts]'' I just pooped in my tail!
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[holding Slightly at knifepoint]'' Where are the children?!
:''[Slightly farts again before we cut to Wendy and the mermaids]''
:'''Wendy''': I've never meet real live mermaids before.
:'''Mermaid''': ''[laughs]'' That's so fun! Lets drown this bitch! ''[grabs Wendy by her arms]''
:'''Wendy''': No, please, no! ''[opens her eyes to see the mermaids dead]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[wearing the seashell bra]'' Wendy, where are your brothers?
:'''Wendy''': There! On the pirate ship!
:''[Cut to the Pirate ship where John and Michael are cornered by Captain Hook]''
:'''Captain Hook''': Time for these little chickadees to walk the plank! ''[laughs]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[near the dead pirates]'' Tick-tock, time's up! ''[kicks Captain Hook, who falls while screaming into the crocodile's mouth]'' I'm taking you home, children.
:'''Peter Pan''': ''[arrives with Tinkerbell]'' Not so fast, you old codfish! ''[Tinkerbell flies up to Bryan taunting him, Bryan uses his shoe to squash her]'' Tink! Oh, good luck getting home without her fairy dust, asshole!
:'''Bryan Mills''': Why would I want to leave when my happy thoughts are about to come true?
:'''Peter Pan''': Your what? ''[Bryan grabs him and throws him to a step]'' Oh! No! NO! ''[Bryan crashes his head with his foot before his shadow comes out]''
:'''Wendy''': Okay, but seriously man, how the ''[bleep]'' are we getting home?!
:'''Bryan Mills''': Hang on. ''[grabs Peter's shadow and throws it on the same step]''
:'''Peter's shadow''': No, no, wait! ''[screams as Bryan crushes its head in black blood with his foot]''

===Bitch Pudding Special [7.16]===
:''[Part 1 starts, as a funeral for Granny Graham Crackers is taking place at the Strawberryland Church; Raspberry Parfait is speaking at the podium]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Even on cloudy days, Pastryville always had a ray of sunshine. And her name was Granny Graham Crackers. Remember when she knit your favorite scarf, Black Cherry Pie?
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': ''[caressing her scarf fondly]'' I wear it everyday, Raspberry Parfait.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': And Fudge Turnover, remember when she fixed you leaky roof?
:'''Fudge Turnover''': She got heat-stroke and fell into the hedges.
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': ''[indignant]'' While you watched Tango and Cash on Netflix!
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Yes! While I watched Tango and Cash on Netflix.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': And Buttermilk Biscuits, I remember when Granny drove all the way to the big city to get-
:'''Buttermilk Biscuits''': ''[gesturing towards her neck]'' No. Nope. Mnh-mnh.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Your...tonsils out?
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Yeah, your unborn tonsils.
:''[Black Cherry Pie scowls at him]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': ''[clears her throat]'' Now then if there are no more speakers? ''[no one says a word, to her relief]'' Great! Then, in conclusion- ''[But Bitch Pudding opens the door just then. Everyone is shocked. Bitch Pudding walks up to the podium, lightly shoving her out of the way]'' W-We were just wrapping up here, Bitch Pudding.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[grabs the microphone and begin to speak in her calm southern accent]'' I remember Granny. ''[the audience is still dumbfounded]'' I remember her smile. ''[the audience looks relieved]'' I remember how much she loved baking sugar cookies. ''[wipes a tear from her eye]''
:'''All''': ''[react happily]'' Ahh!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': But most of all, I remember... ''[giving a angry rant]'' her rank-ass old-lady farts.
:''[Everyone gasps in shock]''
:''[Raspberry Parfait'': ''[facepalming]'' Oh, God.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': This bitch had no sense of smell, no sense of hearing, so all day long, she was like &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbhhhhhht!&quot;
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Okay. ''[chuckles]'' That's enough-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[pushes Raspberry Parfait and continues]'' And when you're a hundred years old, I guess panties are just an afterthought. I mean, raise your hand if you never saw Granny airing out the Ark of the Covenant! ''[while she’s talking, Raspberry Parfait does the hand signal to turn the camera off, but she then mouths &quot;What the?&quot; Everyone gasps and groans]'' I hope Granny is in heaven, but she had a gambling addiction, so Satan might be doing her up the butt. ''[Everyone gasps again]'' Knock twice if Satan's doing you up the butt, Granny. ''[in Granny's voice]'' I love it up the butt from Satan, everybody! ''[in Satan's voice]'' You rule, Granny! Ha ha! ''[begins humping the coffin; the others gasp and groan in shock once more]'' Now hit my ''[bleep]''ing theme song!
:''[Music plays in the style of “The Trooper” by Iron Maiden, as Bitch Pudding walks down the aisles where she steals an audience member's apple and takes a single bite before giving it to German Chocolate Cake and out of the church, where she closes the doors as the title for the special appears. Everyone starts murmuring]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Now, then-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[bursts into the church again, briefly]'' Da-da-da-da! Bitch Puddin'. Blam! ''[runs off; later that night, she is playing a shooter video game, where she is taking out several in-game enemies]'' Yeah! Suck it.
:''[Bitch Pudding's game avatar approaches a villager character]''
:'''Villager''': You have saved my village!
:''[Bitch Pudding's game avatar shoots the villager dead]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': You mean &quot;my&quot; village! ''[a rumble of thunder is heard as Bitch Pudding's house experiences a power outage and the TV screen dies]'' Aw!
:''[As more rumbles of thunder are heard, a mysterious hooded figure appears behind an unsuspecting Bitch Pudding, revealed by the illumination of lightning outside. The figure is seen first holding a knife, then an axe, then a pistol, and then finally a baseball bat, which the figure uses to club Bitch Pudding in the head-she grunts and falls unconscious. A few hours later]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Augh. Where?
:'''The Mailbird''': Oh, sounds like my cargo just woke up!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hey! You're that damn bird that delivers our mail.
:'''The Mailbird''': You bet your feathers. But tonight, I'm gettin' paid to make a special delivery. ''[Bitch Pudding sees the volcano nearby]'' Neither rain nor sleet nor snow will keep your ass out of that volcano. Adios, Bitch Pudding. ''[Bitch Pudding, however, is trying to escape from him]'' Glurk! Ooh! Aah!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': You flying turd! Who hired you?
:'''The Mailbird''': You kill me, we both die.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Good point, jazz cloth. But, on the other hand. ''[picks out 2 feathers, and stab him in his eyes]''
:'''The Mailbird''': ''[going blind]'' Ow! ''[falls to his death in the volcano]'' Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[falls onto the rocks and rolls down in pain]'' Ohhhhhhhh!!! ''[Bleeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Ow! Ow! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Ow! Oh! Ow! Oh! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeeeeeeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Oh, ''[bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Mother''[bleep]''ing mother''[bleep]'' er! Ow! Ow! ''[Bleep]'' me! Oh, God! ''[Bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''! ''[hits the tree]'' Ow! ''[Bleep]''! Ohhh! ''[BLEEEEEEEP]''!!!!! ''[falls unconscious again]''
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding opens her eyes to see the Schlorps]''
:'''Schlorp 1''': Who is she?
:'''Schlorp 2''': Grandpappy will know.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Please, stop talking. Your voice is irritating as ''[bleep]''!
:'''Schlorp 2''': How rude!
:'''Schlorp 3''': Well, she's not wrong.
:'''Schlorp 4''': Who is that?
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Welcome to Schlorptown, stranger! We are the Schlorps. And my name is Grandpappy Schlorp.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Are you in charge of this sh*thole?
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': You see anyone else with a beard around here?
:'''Schlorp 2''': We should Schlorp the &quot;Get to know you&quot; song!
:''[Everyone laughs and the peppy music plays]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed]'' No.
:'''Schlorps''': ''[singing]'' ♪If you get to know me,♪
:♪Then I'll get to know you!♪
:♪Once you're in the group,♪
:♪You're a friend through-and-through!♪
:'''Fishing Pole Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Fishing Pole Schlorp and I catch all the fish!♪
:'''Basketball Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Basketball Schlorp watch this!♪
:'''Schlorps''': Swish!
:'''I.B.S. Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm I.B.S. Schlorp!♪
:♪You'll find me on the stalls♪
:'''Wintertime Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Wintertime Schlorp♪
:♪I'm sweating off my balls?
:'''Chinese Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm a Schlorp who come from China.♪
:'''Miss Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Miss Schlorp with a vagina!♪
:'''Kazoo Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm a Schlorp who plays kazoo♪
:'''Kung Fu Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm a Schlorp who wants Kung Fu!♪ ''[accidentally karate chops the Kazoo Schlorp]'' So sorry!
:'''Schlorps''': ''[singing]'' ♪So how about the stranger?♪
:♪Tell us all about you!♪
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[grabs Banjo Schlorp's banjo to play it, but swears]'' ♪Shut the ''[bleep]'' u-u-up!!!♪
:''[Discordant note plays. She breaks the banjo and a fishing pole, while kicking a basketball far away. Afterwards, she gets angry to make the Schlorps feel shockingly bad]''
:'''I.B.S. Schlorp''': ''[his stomach growls]'' Oh, god! I'm not gonna make it. I'm not gonna make it. I'm not gonna make it. ''[craps himself]'' Aw. I didn't make it.
:''[Meanwhile, Grandpappy Schlorp tries to create a cast to Bitch Pudding's broken arm]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Ow, you old bastard!
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': There you go. Good as new. Ah, Schlorpette. Is that the Schlorp nut soup for our guest?
:'''Schlorpette''': Yes, but this is the last of our Schlorp nuts. They're all gone.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Aww. The last of the Schlorp nuts. And with winter on its way.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[sips the Schlorp nut soup, but spits it out]'' This tastes like moose dick! ''[smashes the bowl onto the floor]'' I got to go home! ''[heads towards the door]'' Some asshole tried to kill me, so that asshole's gonna get my boot up his asshole.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': With the Schlorp nuts gone, our village faces starvation. You see, the nuts were stolen by the evil squirrel wizard on one tree hill.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Phhhhhhht!
:'''Schlorpette''': It was called that before the show.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': This squirrel sounds like a pissy.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Then perhaps we can make a deal. Bring our nuts home and we help get your butt home.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Uuuuuuuugh! ''[later, she knocks on the door]''
:'''Trevor''': ''[arrives]'' Who dares disturb the sa-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blam! ''[attacking Trevor to death]'' Haungh, haungh, hungh! Lick my taco, Squirrel Wizard. Give those dicks their nuts back!
:'''Schlorpette''': Bitch Pudding! That's not the Squirrel Wizard!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Huh? Who the hell is it?
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': ''[arrives to see Trevor dead]'' Trevor? Trevor?! Oh, my god! Trevor!
:'''Schlorpette''': His life partner.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[shocked]'' Yuh-oh. ''[runs off]''
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': ''[in anger]'' Rrrrrrrrrrah! ''[using his magic wand to shoot at Schlorpette]''
:'''Schlorpette''': Aaaaaah! ''[vanishes]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[running away from the Squirrel Wizard]'' Squirrel alert! Squirrel alert!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': ''[arrives]'' Rrrrrrrrrgh!
:'''Schlorps''': Ohh!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': ''[starts attacking the Schlorps with his magic wand]'' Suck on this! Suck on this! Suck on this!
:'''Schlorp 2''': ''[his bottom half kicks him]'' Ow! Ooh! Ow!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Can't stay. Gotta go. Blam. ''[leaves]''
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Stay and fight, coward!
:'''Schlorp 1''': ''[getting shot]'' Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! ''[explodes]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Whew. Safe. ''[witnessing the Squirrel Wizard using magic spells to murder the Schlorps]'' Oh, ''[bleep]''! They're getting massacred! Who cares about those purple peckers? They never should have trusted me. Or...Or helped me?
:'''Narrator''': And at that moment, Bitch Pudding's heart grew three sizes bigger. Uh, metaphorically. You know, you'll just have to take my word for it.
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Die, you miserable Schlorps! And when you meet God, slap that mother''[bleep]''er in the face, because existence is nothing but his cruel joke on all of us!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Sorry, spunk-sponge! The Schlorps are under my protection! ''[a mutilated Schlorp coughs up blood and dies]'' Uh, starting now! ''[starts to fight against the Squirrel Wizard]''
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Ooh!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blick! ''[still fighting with him]'' Oh!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Suck it!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Oh! Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam! Blaaaam!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Aaah! For Trevor! Punch! Punch!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blam! Blam! Ba-ba-ba-blam! ''[knocks the Squirrel Wizard to the ground]''
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Ugh! Trevor! My fuzzy little angel! ''[Bitch Pudding takes his magic wand]'' Just do it! End me! Use any death spell you choose! Just say the magic words and end my pain!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Abracadabra. ''[stabs the Squirrel Wizard through the head with his wand, finally killing him]'' Eat ''[bleep]''.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': ''[walks into frame, horrified by this scene]'' My Schlorps, gone. All gone.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': As your champion, a eulogy is probably in order. ''[clears throat; Grandpappy Schlorp gives a nod to another Schlorp]'' What can be said- ''[is knocked out by a Schlorp with a baseball bat from behind]'' Ow! ''[a few hours later, she wakes up and finds out she is in a biplane]'' Huh? Where? What?
:'''Pilot Schlorp''': On behalf of &quot;''[Bleep]'' You Airlines,&quot; go ''[bleep]'' yourself.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[falls]'' Aaaaaaaaagh! Oooooh! Unh! Unh! Unh! ''[lands]'' I-I I'm home. ''[suddenly spots a carnival in Pastryville celebrating her supposed death]'' What the ''[bleep]''?
:'''Pastryville Citizen 1''': Toss Bitch Pudding in the volcano and win a prize!
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Volcano-fried Bitch Pudding on a stick!
:'''Buttermilk Biscuits''': I hate you, Bitch Puddin'!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[turns around to see a mural of her being dropped into the volcano by the mail-delivery bird]'' They were all in on it! The whole town tried to kill me?!
:''[Cut to the church, where the Pastryville citizens sing a hymn with a tune of &quot;It Came Upon a Midnight Clear&quot;]''
:'''Pastryville Citizens''': ''[singing]'' ♪She made our lives a living hell♪
:♪So nasty and so mean♪
:♪And when Bitch Pudding hit the lava♪
:♪You should have heard her scream♪
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': The first annual &quot;Bitch Pudding Is Dead&quot; Festival has been a rousing success! For generations to come, we will- ''[sniffs]'' Hey, guys, do you smell smoke?
:''[Everyone finds that the church is on fire, they all scream]''
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Oh, ''[bleep]''! The door won't open! ''[a Pastryville citizen runs by on fire, screaming. The others attempt to break the church door down]'' All together, now.
:'''Everyone''': One! Two! Three! Oh! Oh!
:''[Upon bursting out, they find Bitch Pudding, alive and well, and holding a minigun in front of them]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blam. ''[as revenge, she guns down every last citizen. A bloodied, mortally wounded Raspberry Parfait grabs onto Bitch Pudding with her last dying ounces of strength]'' Remember when I said I'd shoot you last?
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': I have absolutely no memory of that.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Must have been a fantasy I had when I was masturbating!
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': ''[Bleep]'' you, Bitch Pudding... ''[falls over and dies; Bitch Pudding surveys the dead bodies as heavy metal music plays]''
:''[One day later, Bitch Pudding is seen leaving Pastryville]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[narrating]'' So that's my story. I probably should have done a voiceover through the whole thing, but I didn't feel like it. Now, the only question is what does the future hold?
:''[A car arrives, driven by Nick Fury of the Avengers]''
:'''Nick Fury''': Bitch Pudding. You have become a part of a larger Universe.
:''[Credits; when it ends, Bitch Pudding is seen having stolen Nick Fury's car, driving away]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Da-da-da-da! Blam!
:'''Nick Fury''': ''[left behind]'' What a bitch.

===Batman Forever 21 [7.17]===
:''[Nana is sitting alone, tied to her doghouse at the doorstep of the Darling house]''
:'''Peter Pan''': Off to Neverland!
:'''Michael''': Come on, Nana. ''[grabs Tinker Bell and sprinkles pixie dust all over Nana]''
:''[Nana starts to rise, but gets tangled in the rope and dies]''
:'''Peter Pan and the Children''': ''[in the distance]'' YAAAY!

===The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's [7.18]===
:'''Bionic-1''': Family, after nearly killing you on a ski trip to the Himalayas, I saved our lives by giving each of you bionic implants. Let's use these cool, new powers as the Bionic Six!
:''[The children cheer]''
:'''Mother-1''': Uh, hun, maybe we should be thankful we're alive and not...
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC SIX!
:'''IQ''': Open wide!
:'''Rock-1''': You just got eighty-Bionic-Sixed!
:'''Sports-1''': ''[bat cracking]'' Dad, turns out hitting homers isn't a superpower-AAH! ''[gets riddled with bullets]''
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC FIVE!
:'''Mother-1''': Eric?!
:'''Bionic-1''': Uh, his codename is Sports-1.
:'''Mother-1''': He was our son, and now he's dead! You asshole! We're getting a divorce.
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC FOUR!
:'''Karate-1''': WAA- ''[also gets riddled with bullets]''
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC THREE!
:'''IQ''': You killed my brother! ''[crushes Rock-1]''
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC TWO!
:'''IQ''': ''[crying]'' We never had any training... ''[crushes himself]''
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC ONE!
:'''BIONIC-1''': Only now do I see that bionics solve nothing...GUH! ''[gets riddled with bullets]''
:'''Announcer''': I AM OUT OF WORK!

===Chipotle Miserables [7.19]===
:'''Announcer''': From the makers of &quot;Les Misérables&quot;, comes another story about a prisoner in need of redemption.
:''[Hamburglar enters a courtroom, with Ronald McDonald as the judge]''
:'''Hamburglar''': ♫ Have mercy, my lord. I'm not a man of violence. I stole Big Mac's to feed my fami- ♫
:'''Ronald McDonald''': SILENCE! ♫ From this day on to bring you shame, Your crime, Hamburglar, shall be your name! ♫
:'''Hamburglar''': NOOOOOO!
:'''Ronald McDonald''': ♫ Yes, that's your name. There's no way to escape this. And you're French Fry Killer and you're the Nugget Rapist. ♫
:''[Cuts to Birdie inside of a McDonald's kitchen with Ronald McDonald]''
:'''Announcer''': A poultry in need of hope.
:'''McDonald's Employees''': ♫ By the time the day ends, this one will do nicely. Cause, a bird on the grill, is worth two in the hat. ♫
:'''Birdie''': ♫ You're supposed to be a friend, to all in McDonaldland. ♫
:'''Ronald McDonald''': ♫ You're a food that I serve fried, to billions worldwide. So, you kind of should've seen this coming. ♫
:'''McDonald's Employees''': ♫ By the time the day ends. ♫ ''[carry her out]''
:'''Birdie''': NOOOOO!
:''[Cuts to Birdie in a McDonald's kitchen, all her feathers plucked]''
:'''Announcer''': Every performance, riveting.
:'''Birdie''': ♫ I had a dream that I would be, more than a nugget made for dipping. ♫
:''[Cuts to Hamburglar, with Birdie's egg]''
:'''Hamburglar''': ♫ I promise I will save your child, and keep her here among the living. ♫
:'''Birdie''': ♫ There's so much hope in my hear- ♫
:''[A McDonald's Employee decapitates Birdie with a meat cleaver]''
:'''Hamburglar''': Oh, GOD!
:''[A McDonald's Employee throws Birdie's body in a pot of boiling oil]''
:'''Announcer''': Every line of dialogue sung.
:'''Hamburglar''': Now, who will rise?! ''[crowd mumbles; coughs]'' I mean. &quot;♫ Who will rise?! ♫&quot;
:''[The crowd cheers and engages in a war against the McDonald's Employees. A McDonald's Employee drinks Happy Meal Drink]''
:'''Happy Meal Drink''': No! Please stop sucking!
:''[A McDonald's Employee bites Mayor McCheese]''
:'''Mayor McCheese''': No! No! No! No! No! Aaaaahhhhhh!
:'''Hamburglar''': ''[stabs a McDonald's Employee, and holds up a McDonald's flag]'' Robble Robble!
:'''Announcer''': Les Misérobble Robble.
:''[The words &quot;Les Misérobble Robble&quot; appear along with Hamburglar]''

===The Robot Chicken Lots of Holidays But Don't Worry Christmas is Still In There Too so Pull the Stick Out of Your Ass Fox News Special [7.20]===
:And now back to &quot;The Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'hoole&quot; Christmas special.
Who? Who?
[Wings flapping]
Who is watching this program?
[sighs] Man, Christmas gets all the animated specials. I wish someone would do one for the other holidays. That would be so cool. [inhales, yawns] So... cool. [warble!] [groans] Huh?! Aaaaah! Aah! Aah! - He's a maniac! Help! - Both: Huh? Oh! What?! [Panting, crying] Whoops! Unh! What? Oh, boy. [funky, mid-tempo music plays] Ow! Your feet! Yeeow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh, my god! [sneezes] Uh...hey! Ow! Yeow! Yeow! Uh, that's okay. No, thank you. No, no, no. [Chatters] What the [bleep] Unh! Unh! Oh, yeah! I think I love you. Here goes. My New Year's resolution is - to quit drinking! - ... ... ... - Happy New Year! - All: Yay! [Twinkle!] Whoa! You're baby New Year! Did you come here to help me ring in ? No, Jim. I came to talk to you about the promise you made. Remember ... to give up drinking? But I made that resolution seconds ago. It's binding. Hyah! [Screaming] ♪ Baby New Year, resolution enforcer ♪ The Chipmunks' Christmas album went double-mahogany on the charts. So we decided to release a holiday album for - the other holidays. - # Theodore # Take a listen. [mid-tempo music plays] All: # St. Patrick's day is finally here # ♪ time to drink our weight in beer ♪ ♪ sipping green ale from a can ♪ ♪ I think I blew a homeless man ♪ And what's sure to be a halloween classic. All: # hello, people, trick or treat # ♪ I hope you give us something sweet ♪ ♪ give us candy, that's the plan ♪ ♪ I think I blew a homeless man ♪ Uh, Theodore, I think you're repeating the lyric - from St. Patrick's day. - Nope. I blew a homeless man on Halloween also. I was high on candy. - Okay! Well, there's ... - And PCP. There's also a great song for Thanksgiving! All: # hooray, it's finally turkey day # ♪ we'll drink and laugh our cares away ♪ ♪ eat pies of pumpkin and pecan ♪ I probably didn't blow a homeless man...? Theodore, this is a safe place. ♪ Okay, I definitely blew a homeless man ♪ [bells jingle] # He sees you when you're healthy # ♪ he knows when you feel sick ♪ [coughs] # he knows if you've been naughty or nice # ♪ that's right, Santa can't be tricked ♪ All right, let's go over my naughty-and-nice list for this year. Well, Billy Marchetti in Rochester stole a candy bar. Looks like someone is now on my naughty list. But he did it because his family's on welfare and his mom traded all the food stamps for heroin. Oh. Um... Hmm. That's a tough one. ♪ He watches when you're home ♪ ♪ he knows when you're away ♪ ♪ he's also starting to realize ♪ ♪ that life is morally gray ♪ Regina from Nome, Alaska, got an &quot;A&quot; on her math quiz. Well, that's cut-and-dried ... a gift for Regina. - But only because she cheated. - Okay, coal for Regina. Bu-u-u-u-u-u-t... she only cheated on the test because she can't read the blackboard due to the fact - she's dyslexic. - Aghhh! ♪ He's having an existential crisis ♪ ♪ that smug look's wiped off of his face ♪ Guys. Guys, stop. Stop singing. All right? Just ... just stop. I have a lot of things to think about. [wind whistling] Help yourself to some cookies, Sherry. I made them for the whole office. I told myself I wouldn't. But hey, yolo. Unh! ♪ Baby New Year, resolution enforcer ♪ Mother, are you watching over me, like Simba's dad did for him? [echoing] Here I am, Bambi. Oh, wow! Mom! D-Do you have any sage - advice for me? - Yes, my son. The rampant deer population is a real problem. - You have to k*ll yourself. - I-I thought you were gonna tell me, like, I was the one true king or something. No. You're a deer. Deer are meaningless! Meaningless... meaningless. Oh, I wish I had known her, father. - Yes, she was quite wonderful. - Tell me ... what was she like? Unh! Unh! Unh! Yeah! [dolphin squeals] Oh, she was enthusiastic, the most beautiful one in her pod. Oh, that's ... Wait ... pod? What pod? [yiddish accent] Nemo, put on your yarmulke - for your mother. - I don't want to! We're fish! - This is stupid! - Put on your yarmulke, Nemo! I'm tired of your shit! Sh'ma. Fishrael fish adonai... Happy Mother's day from all of us in the Disney family - who've lost our mothers. - Mickey, do you miss - your mama, too? - Ha! No! She ate all my brothers and sisters. Mice are monsters. [lisping] Oh, no. It's Valentine's day, and I have too many dates. Happy Hanukkah, Joshua. Here. I got you lots of Hanukkah gelt. [hip-hop music plays] [rapping] # I got so much Hanukkah gelt # ♪ yo, this musta been how Rockefeller felt ♪ ♪ chocolate money, it ain't even funny ♪ ♪ keep my wallet in the freezer so that shit don't melt ♪ ♪ I walk into the club, and I make it rain ♪ ♪ and now your booty all covered in a chocolate stain ♪ ♪ gelt in my socks, gelt in the banks ♪ ♪ I give gelt to my homies, and they say... ♪ - Together: Thanks! - # I give gelt to the Germans, - and they say... # - Together: Danke! ♪ I got more chocolate than Willy Wonka ♪ ♪ so much gelt, it'll make you sick ♪ ♪ I got more hot cocoa than Ice-T's [bleep] ♪ ♪ so much chocolate, make ya pop ya belt ♪ ♪ ya understand me, mother [bleep] ♪ - # I got so much gelt # - [gasps] Hey! This money's made of chocolate. You owe us grand. Oy gevalt! Happy Memorial day, my smurfs! This is the day on which we honor all the fallen smurfs of smurfs past. Myspace smurf. [bell tolls] Payphone smurf. [bell tolls] Ohhh, &quot;Talk to the hand&quot; smurf. [bell tolls] Michael Dukakis smurf. [bell tolls] I'm sensing a trend here. All of these smurfs were - kind of outdated. - Yes, it is a sad thing when a smurf outlives his usefulness. I mean, dies. Well, did these smurfs die of natural causes? Well, let me think. [twinkle!] Hmm. Doesn't look busy enough. [g*n] [g*n] Ew! Talk to the han... [g*n] [g*n] Yep ... natural causes. You sure about that? [dramatic music plays] Handy smurf ... tonight. He knows too much. Mrrow. [sighs] I swore I'd stop spanking it, but I just can't say no to you, Marjory. Unh! Unh! Unh! Broke your resolution, eh? [choking] - This makes it so much better! - I'm gonna sit this one out. ♪ Baby New Year, resolution enforcer ♪ I love spending these nights together, baby. Just me, you, and the desolation of nature. I love you, St. Nick. [rumbling] What the [bleep] Santa! Mrs. Claus! It is a true honor to meet you. I ... Hey, thanks for blocking our - view, dumbass! - Oh. Sorry. I didn't know your place was here when I threw the crystal. Good thing I didn't hook it, or your house would be in my living room. [laughs] There's a million [bleep] miles of ice up here, and you pick feet from our house for this... - Fortress of solitude. - You built your Fortress of solitude next to the only other house in the entire Arctic?! It'll be nice to have a neighbor. - Would you like some tea? - Another time, ma'am. Duty calls. Up, up, and away! Douche. Blitzen, have you been chewing on my boots again? Oh, god! [sighs] Son of a bitch. I had a fun thought. Why don't you wear - a cape tonight? - What? With an &quot;S&quot; on it. You know ... for &quot;Santa.&quot; [growls] Hello? Homeowners association? Superman's place is so close to mine, I can smell it when he takes a crap. Oh. Fine. Whatever. All right, see if Superman brings your kid that new wheelchair this Christmas. The H.O.A. won't kick him out unless I find just cause, huh? Hmm. What kind of weirdo builds an entire miniature city in a bottle? Ow! Tiny people! We've got tiny superpeople here! What the hell?! Aaaaargh! Ahhh! [techno music plays in distance] [groans] That's it! [slurred] Who the [bleep] are you? Who the [bleep] are you? This party is too g*dd*mn loud! Where's Superman? What the...? - Rudolph? - Huh? - Naw, man. I'm D.J. Venison. - Betrayal! Hey, everyone. Grandpa says we're being too loud. [music stops] [angry murmuring] What?! Which one of you buttholes is sh**ting arrows?! Yaaaaah! - Hello, neighbor! - Suck on this ruling, Tinker Bell! - The H.O.A. says you're out! - Well, the rules are the rules. Guess I should start packing. [laughs] Yeah. You do that. Don't forget to write. Oh, it's gonna be a good day, Martha. No more Superm... What the ... Superma-a-a-a-a-n! I'm sure Santa's out there somewhere, Martha. - I'll look some more ... - Tomorrow. Morning. - Mm! - Ohhh! [warble!] Ehhhhh?! - Oh, boy. - Shh. - Don't speak. - Mnnnnnh! [funky, mid-tempo music plays] [dramatic music plays] Oh! [gasps] - Friend of yours? - [gasps] Ohh!</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3148022</id>
      <parentid>3148021</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T05:43:33Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Bitch Pudding Special [7.16] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="68707" xml:space="preserve">===G.I. Jogurt [7.01]===
:''[At the Emmy Awards, a G.I. Joe PSA of Roadblock talking to two children is shown on the big screen]''
:'''Roadblock''': I don't know why a 7-year-old would need to deep fry a turkey, but know you know how.
:'''Children''': And knowing is half the battle.
:''[The PSA ends with the &quot;G.I. Joe&quot; jingle]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Be a Turkey on Thanksgiving&quot;.
:''[The G.I. Joes clap, and Duke kisses Scarlett before he heads up with Roadblock to collect their award, while COBRA Commander and Destro watch on from the cheap seats]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': Look at them, Destro. The Joes churn out pedestrian advice to dead-eyed children, and the public eats it up! ''[mocking the Joes]'' &quot;Hey, kids, don't play with fallen electrical lines.&quot; ''[normal voice]'' Reads like a dispatch from the no-shit clinic.
:'''Destro''': I'll get the nerve gas.
:'''COBRA Commander''': No, you fool. We'll beat them at their own game. ''[clenching his fist]'' We'll create our own PSAs!
:''[Cut to COBRA Commander, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, and the Crimson Twins in the briefing room at COBRA Headquarters]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': OK, OK, let's just throw some ideas out there. This is a safe creative place. Dr. Mindbender, go.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Well, I thought our PSA could communicate an idea non-verbally. I've discovered that painting directly on celluloid creates a sort of &quot;tone poem&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Holy ''[bleep]'', that's sounds terrible. I'm sorry, safe place, but holy shit, that was fucking dumb. Next!
:'''Baroness''': ''[enters the room]'' Oh, I forgot you guys were in here writing. I was just looking for a hammer to hang my degree in screenwriting from Aberdeen. Anything I can do for you while I'm in here? ''[looks at him]'' Destro?
:'''Destro''': She's actually really funny, you guys.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Hey, you lost me at &quot;She's&quot;. ''[Bleep'' it! We're doing it without a script.
:''[Cut to the set of COBRA's PSAs, as Destro supervises, Storm Shadow is having his makeup done by one COBRA soldier, and two more soldiers move a camera. Dr. Mindbender enters the set with a group of children]''
:'''Destro''': Dr. Mindbender, you found four young children for our PSAs.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Uh, yes. ''[puts his arms around the children]'' That is what these kidnapped children are for.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[talking to Storm Shadow, who is reading his lines]'' OK, Storm Shadow, these two children will be running with scissors. Now, this upsets you, and you...
:'''Storm Shadow''': Why?
:'''COBRA Commander''': It's dangerous to run with scissors.
:'''Storm Shadow''': I run with Katana. Is that not dangerous?
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow, I hadn't thought of that. Excellent point, Storm Shadow. ''[whispers to Tomax]'' Get this piece of ''[bleep]'' off my set!
:''[One of the children runs past, giggling while running with scissors, but ends up getting killed by Storm Shadow]''
:'''Storm Shadow''': Well, COBRA Commander, it looks like I owe you an apology.
:''[First COBRA PSA: Serpentor telling children about using supplies only at the post office]''
:'''Serpentor''': So, remember, only take supplies if you'll use them for post office business. Any other use is a felony.
:'''Boy''': Now I'm aware.
:'''Serpentor''': ''[putting his arms around the children and smiling]'' And awareness is the second 50% of the conflict in question. ''[beat]'' Somebody say ''[bleep]''ing &quot;Cut&quot;!
:''[Second COBRA PSA: COBRA Commander tells children about the joys of reading]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': And I think you'll find it's not hard to read when you take the time to sssssssssound it out. ''[both children giggle]'' Oh, yesss, I've got a sssmall ssspeech impediment. ''[both children laugh; irritated]'' It'sss not funny! ''[removes his mask, as the children scream and run away, only for the Commander to shoot them dead]'' Shut. It. Down.
:''[At the next Emmy Awards...]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Star in a COBRA PSA&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[shaking his fist]'' What?!
:'''Destro''': ''[shouting over to the troops]'' Pump the nerve gas!

===Link's Sausages [7.02]===
:''[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are standing in the street]''
:'''Tommy Pickles''': ''[holding his Reptar doll]'' Well, after crossing the freeway, base jumping off a cliff, and dodging bullets in a gang war, we finally found my Reptar doll.
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enters the street, finding the babies]'' Tommy! What are you doing in the street?!
:''[Cut to the Pickles' house]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, thank God! They've been lost for hours! Where were they?
:'''Didi Pickles''': Stu, a word?  ''[they walk into the kitchen, their voices get muffled as they talk with the door shut]'' What the ''[bleep]'', Stu?!
:'''Stu Pickles''': Well, I'm sorry. The babies escaped, and I-
:'''Didi Pickles''': Escaped?! They're babies, you sackless moron!
:'''Stu Pickles''': I was downstairs, working on a new toy, and they just-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, a new toy! Never mind, then!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[tearing up]'' Didi, if you keep ridiculing my work, I-I swear to God-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enraged]'' What?! You'll hit me?! Ooh, you're such a man!
:''[Thudding and crashing are heard as Didi violently beats Stu offscreen]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': Didi, stop!
:'''Didi Pickles''': I'll be the man! See, Stu?! I'm the man!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[sobbing]'' I want a divorce!
:''[The babies look devastated as the screen cut to static]''

===Secret of the Booze [7.03]===
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf shaving his beard in his house]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': I don't usually get involved in day-to-day operations, so I'm smurfing undercover. They'll never smurf it's me. ''[chuckles; takes off his pants]'' Ohh, I haven't smurfed these things off in nearly 300 years! Talk about crotch rot!
:''[Title Card: Undercover Smurf Boss]''
:'''Farmer Smurf''': So, you're my new intern, huh?
:'''Papa Smurf''': That's right, Farmer Smurf. Teach me to care about your sad, little life...I mean your noble and fulfilling, uh, career choice.
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Well, Smurfs are a thirsty bunch, so we got to smurf them fresh milk every day!
:''[A giant caterpillar slithers in and turns onto its side, revealing its udders]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[being filmed]'' We've been drinking CATERPILLAR MILK?! ''[milks the giant caterpillar, his hands getting sore]'' Oh, this is agony. It feels like my hands are gonna smurf off!
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Yep, my carpal tunnel got so bad, they had to fuse my wrist bones in place!
:'''Papa Smurf''': But our healthcare is smurfy, right?
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Eh, my deductible is 2,000 smurfberries.
:'''Papa Smurf''': WHAT?! ''[cash register dings]''
:''[Title Card: 1 Smurfberry = 1.78 USD]''
:''[Scene cuts to the Smurf Hospital. Doctor Smurf packs his medical bag]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': Doctor Smurf, why are deductibles so high?
:'''Doctor Smurf''': Boy, you smurf a lot of uppity questions for an intern. Uh, just treat the next patient while I go for a Jamba Juice run in my gold-plated helicopter.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Actually, I'm not really qualified.
:''[Outside the window, Doctor Smurf takes off in his gold-plated helicopter. Door opens, Smurfette and Handy Smurf enter the room]''
:'''Smurfette''': We need Doctor Smurf! Handy had an accident!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Did someone get a sliver? ''[Handy shows his bleeding hand, missing all of his fingers]'' OH MY SMURFING GOD!!!
:'''Handy Smurf''': I sawed right through a load-bearing mushroom! Half our building materials are fungus! Oh, trade school didn't prepare me for this!
:'''Smurfette''': You can smurf his fingers, right, nurse?
:'''Papa Smurf''': I'll certainly try. ''[being filmed]'' I certainly tried.
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf sewing Handy's fingers while Handy lies dead on the table]''
:'''Smurfette''': ''[crying]'' You can probably stop sewing.
:'''Papa Smurf''': No, no, no. I-I'm gonna get this. ''[walks up to Grouchy Smurf]'' So, Grouchy Smurf, how's the coffee today?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate coffee!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh! Okay. But how do you like working here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate working here.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh, goodness. Okay. Well, is there anything that maybe Papa Smurf could do?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate Papa Smurf!
:'''Papa Smurf''': All right, what exactly do you do around here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I-I hate stuff?
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[puts on his red hat]'' I'm being deadly serious.
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I...I... ''[cuts to him, shoveling dog poop outside]'' I hate shoveling dog ''[bleep]''.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Well, now that's actually an appropriate reaction. Carry on, dog-''[bleep]'' Smurf! ''[leaves]''
:''[More dog poop falls from above, next to Grouchy]''

===Rebel Appliance [7.04]===
:'''Lion-O''': My fellow Thundercats! When danger is near, I shall hold the Sword of Omens aloft and yell out a battle cry
:'''Cheetara''': What shall our battle cry be, Lion-O?
:'''Lion-O''': &quot;Thunder, thunder, thunder, thundercats, I need you because evil is near, and we are friends, and we are a team. So we must come together and fight because the Eye of Thundera is in the sky, and it is summoning everyone together. So please come here Panthro and Tygra and Panthro and also Cheetara and also Wilykit and Wilicat and also Snarf. I think I said Panthro twice. I won't do that every time. Yes, we are the Thundercats. This is our battle cry. I love you guys. You are my best friends, and I am Lion-O and I am a Thundercat, and you guys are Thundercats too. Mumm Ra is not a Thundercat, he's bad and we're gonna win against him, because we are the Thundercats, and the Thundercats are here for you today because we are the Thundercats yeah, I'm Lion-O&quot;. I hope you write that down.
:'''Snarf''': I liked it. ''[Wilykat slaps him]'' OW!

===Legion of Super-Gyros [7.05]===
:''[With Grover and Oscar the Grouch]''
:'''Grover''': Oh boy, it sure is a great day here on Sesame Street!
:'''Oscar''': Yeah, especially since we're the last neighborhood in New York that hasn't been gentrified.
:'''Grover''': Until today, because our special guest is Hannah Horvath from the marginally popular but ignored in the flyover states HBO series, Girls!
:'''Hannah''': Hey, do you know where I could find a cocaine dealer/organic Vietnamese taco truck around here?
:'''Oscar''': ''[Bleep]'' me! ''[gets back inside his trash can]''
:'''Hannah''': ''[feels Grover]'' Ooh, you're so cute! ''[later that night]'' I really love how you don't play games, Grover.
:'''Grover''': Oh but I play lots of games, patty cake, and marco polo...Ugh!
:'''Hannah''': ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jacking off]'' Insult my parents! Oh yeah!
:'''Grover''': Woah! ''[scene cuts to him and Hannah learning about numbers with apples]'' Today, we are going to learn about the number 3, I have 3 apples!
:'''Hannah''': And I know 3 girls who were date raped at the same bar on 6th street.
:'''Grover''': That is sad. ''[Hannah eats the apple]'' Uh...you're eating my props.
:'''Hannah''': I'm proud of my body.
:'''Grover''': I know, I know.
:'''Hannah''': Ugh! Yeah! ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jerking off again]''
:'''Grover''': Oh, God!

===El Skeletorio [7.06]===
:'''Crypt Keeper''': Oh, hello! I was just enjoying the latest best &quot;heller&quot;! ''[laughs evilly, but then rips off book cover]'' This is actually Dan Brown's &quot;Inferno.&quot; It's a piece of shit. Our next tale is something of an &quot;alle-gory&quot;! You might say it's a &quot;meta-gore&quot;! Let's just roll it.
:''[Cuts to the outside of Bitch Pudding's house, where the title of the sketch appears. We cut to inside the hpuse, where Bitch Pudding is sleeping]''
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out. Get out of the house. Get out of the hou-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Why don't you get your tongue out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole so I can jam your mama's ''[bleep]'' up there, you ''[bleep]''-gargling pile of monkey spunk? Nothing to say now, huh?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': There's just a lot to unpack there.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Well, wake me up when you figure it out, ''[bleep]'' stick. ''[goes back to sleep]''
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding goes to her fridge when she sees the chairs and flower pot of her table are now completely deformed]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed, she flips them over and destroys them]'' BLAM! Where's your ''[bleep]''-ass art project now, ''[bleep]'' nut?
:'''Ghostly voice''': It wasn't supposed to be art, it was supposed to scare you! God! Forget it! I'm leaving! ''[cuts to Strawberry Shortcake's house, where she is sleeping]'' Strawberry Shortcake!
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': ''[wakes up]'' Huh? What?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out of the house!
:''[A red substance begins to ooze out of the walls, causing Strawberry Shortcake to scream in fear]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[breaks in through the window]'' Hey, ''[bleep]''ing clown, if you're ragging so bad, why don't you take your mama's tampon out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole and lick it clean before you shove it up your ''[bleep]''?!
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Hey, stop talking about my dad's ''[bleep]''hole! I'll-I'll leave town, okay? Oh, FYI, that isn't blood, that is strawberry jam, m'lady. The insulation is leaking. All I did was turn the painting upside down. Live with it.
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': Do you think he was right about the insulation? That could be berry expensive.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hmm, let's see. That depends on whether I give a ''[bleep]'', ''[bleep]'' tits! ''[make a fanfare noise]'' Bitch Pudding! BLAM! ''[jumps out the window]''
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': I should really move.

===Snarfer Image [7.07]===
:''[Ticking, cuts to Elmer Fudd in a field]''
:'''Elmer Fudd:'' ''[narrating]'' Time travel has not been invented yet, ''[cocks his gun]'' but in 30 years, it will be. ''[gunshot]'' In the future, TV networks don't awwow cartoons to have guns, so if they want to kill someone, they send them back here to me. My name is Elmer Fudd, and I'm a Wooper. ''[Title Card: Wooper]'' The only wule is never let your target escape, even if your target is you.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': ''[appears in the field]'' What are you waiting for? Shoot me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': What?!
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': In the future, they don't let me have a gun! That was my one dimension as a character! Know what I did yesterday? I slept for 15 hours and then beat it to a Weader's Digest! Help me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': I can't.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': Come on, give it to me. ''[crying]'' Pleeeease. ''[gunshot]''
:'''Yosemite Sam''': ''[appears in the field]'' I'll have what he's having. ''[gunshot]''
:''[Cuts to Porky Pig on the Looney Tunes circles. The words &quot;That's all, folks!&quot; appear in front]''
:'''Porky Pig''': Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-...That's all, folks! ''[gunshot]''

===Up, Up, and Buffet [7.08]===
:'''Fiona''': The spell has broken! This was my true form all along! I can't wait to marry you, Shrek!
:'''Shrek''': Marry you?
:'''Fiona''': Well, yeah! Since we look the same now, we'll live happily ever after!
:'''Shrek''': Fiona, every morning, I look at myself in the mirror, and I wish my mother had the courage to throw me in the river when I was born. Then I make my way to the putrid swamps, the only place on God's green Earth a monster like me feels at home. Sometimes, children gather to scream at me. &quot;Monster!  Animal!&quot;, they yell. Then someone screams, &quot;Kill yourself!&quot; and it takes a few seconds to realize the voice is coming from my own mouth! By then, I've made my way to the old hanging tree. Before I have time to think about it, I'm wrapping a vine around my own neck. It goes &quot;tot&quot; and I pray to the gods that this time, the vine will hold! But alas, everyday, I wake up in my own filth and I lie there and I cry. I cry because I'll live to see my face again! So nay, marrying a lass with a face as hideous as my own is not on my to-do list!
:'''Fiona''':''[with her mouth full]'' Have you tried these mini cheeseburgers? They're great! ''[sees Shrek hanging from a noose, and to Shrek's disappointment, the noose snaps]''

===Panthropologie [7.09]===
:''[Caption: LEGO City, 2014]''
:'''Wife''': Honey, look out! Cliche!
:'''Gerry''': Huh? ''[all screaming]'' What's happening?!
:'''Cop''': Kre-O! They're everywh- Aah! ''[gets torn apart by the Kre-O's]''
:'''Wife''': There's something wrong with them. They look like us but different!
:'''General''': ''[lands in the helicopter]'' This way! Hurry! Your life has more value than other people! ''[the Lanes get onto the helicopter]'' Gerry, we need your expertise!
:'''Gerry''': My expertise? I'm not a soldier!
:'''General''': Gerry, we need a lawyer.
:''[Title Card: WORLD WAR B (as in blocks)]''
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': Put simply, Gerry, we're being invaded by imitation blocks.
:'''Assistant''': Off-brand products with a taste for LEGO blood!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': They're nearly identical but different. Wrong. Like when you sit on your hand until it goes to sleep. You try to pretend Flo from the Progressive commercials is giving you an HJ, but you know it's not Flo. You know that! She'd never be so clumsy, so artless.
:'''General''': That's impossible! We're trademarked!
:'''Gerry''': No, general. LEGO bricks aren't protected by trademark. They're protected by patent.
:'''General''': Hell, man, what's the difference?
:'''Gerry''': The difference is...patents expire! Cool! Someone turned that legal document into a GIF. That's fun.
:'''General''': Isn't it &quot;jiff&quot;? Anyway, how do we stop it?
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': There's nothing we can do. ''[whispering]'' Don't worry, Flo. I'll protect you.
:'''Assistant''': Don't worry, girl from the Wendy's commercials.
:'''General''': Don't worry, GEICO gecko.
:''[Cut to the map]''
:'''Gerry''': ''[narrating]'' They covered the whole globe in no time: Mega Bloks, Kre-O, Best-Lock, CoCo, BanBao, Rokenbok, Super Blocks, and Leggo with two g's, which was especially insulting.
:''[Caption: Lego Headquarters, Denmark]''
:''[Zombies groaning]''
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' LEGO my baby, LEGO my honey, LEGO my ragtime gal...
:'''Son''': Daddy, are we safe?
:'''Gerry''': Of course we are, son. People are singing, aren't they? Ugh. That is the lowest form of music.
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' ...Honey, you'll lose me, then you'll be left alone...
:''[Zombies groaning loudly]''
:'''Gerry''': The terrible singing! They're attracted to the terrible singing! ''[the zombies start climbing over the walls. Gerry knocks out the quartet. Soldiers start shooting]'' Ohh! - Ow! Fire! Fire! They're too fast!-Ohh!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': ''[runs in with the syringe]'' Gerry, I've found a way to camouflage ourselves!
:'''Gerry''': That beats my solution. ''[acts out shooting zombies, and then acts out shooting himself]'' Pew pew! Pew pew! Pew!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': LEGOs are machined to a tolerance of 10 micrometers! That's why we're so expensive! But this serum will make us look cheaper and sloppier! ''[injects himself]'' Aah! ''[turns into a Playmobil figure]'' We look like them now!
:'''Gerry''': I'd rather die.
:'''Son''': ''[notices something]'' What?! They have Transformers?
:'''Gerry''': No, son! No!
:'''Son''': Aah! ''[Bumblebee rips him in half]''
:'''Gerry''': Nooooooo!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': You probably don't even want to go on living now.
:'''Gerry''': Huh? Oh, that was just a kid from my wife's first marriage. But that looked really painful. Hit me with the juice! ''[gets injected]'' Ugh! ''[the serum transforms him into...]'' No! You turned me into a ''[bleep]''ing DUPLO! It's the same company as LEGO, you fool! Aah! Aah! ''[Mrs. Lane and the Doctor run away whilst DUPLO Gerry gets his head ripped off]'' Guys, is this ending working? Let's re-shoot it.
:''[Zombies murmuring]''

===Catdog on a Stick [7.10]===
:'''Executive''': You sure you wanna do a movie, Tiger?
:'''Tiger''': I want to be beloved again, like before I had sex with all those waitresses from IHOP. Jordan did Space Jam. I want my Space Jam.
:'''Executive''': Well, studios aren't lining up to lend their characters to a Tiger Woods movie. Everyone aggressively passed except DiC, but I cannot recommend that.
:''[Cut to the title card for the Golf Jam movie]''
:'''Singers''': Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to Tiger on the golf course]''
:'''Tiger''': Time for a day of playing golf and being faithful to my girlfriend. ''[falls down a large hole]'' What? Whoooooooa!! ''[lands in DiC Land, surrounded by Heathcliff and other DiC characters]'' Ow!
:'''Heathcliff''': Welcome to DiC Land, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[getting up from his fall and waving hello]'' Why, hi, Garfield.
:'''Heathcliff''': I'm Heathcliff. I'm more romantic and have an accent. This is Cleo.
:'''Cleo''': We need your help, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to put my penis in you... ''[snaps back to attention, and looks at the camera]'' I mean, I love my girlfriend.
:'''Cleo''': We brought you here because the evil Dork Punks challenged us to a game of golf.
:'''Tiger''': ''[once again enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to hump your face... ''[flustered]'' I mean, help your face- ''[snaps out of it again]'' Help you, I will help you!
:''[The Dork Punks walk into the shot, as Tiger turns to look at them]''
:'''Dork Punk''': Let's tee off, DiC-heads!
:''[Tiger and Heathcliff look at each other and nod, and we cut to a golf-playing montage. Tiger (now wearing a cap with the DiC logo on it) hits a beautful shot as Heathcliff, Cleo, and a couple of other toons watch. LongArm uses his gauntlet to sink a putt, as Tiger chats up Princess Lana and receives a slap to the face from her. As Cleo prepares to sink her putt, Tiger walks up from behind and starts pretending to hump her. Ja-Kal prepares to take a shot as Armon looks on, but a piece of Armon's gauze is caught on Ja-Kal's club. As Ja-Kal swings, he and Armon both get tied up in Armon's gauze. Tiger is seen in one of the bunkers with Nefer-Tina sitting on top of him, as she unwraps the gauze from her upper body much to Tiger's delight. The montage ends as Tiger is getting ready to sink his final putt, with Cleo and Hammerman watching on]''
:'''Hammerman''': If you sink this putt, we win!
:'''Tiger''': Wish me luck, Bobby Brown.
:'''Hammerman''': Bobby Brown? I'm Hammerman! I'm M.C. Hammer, except not, and I have magic shoes. ''[shows off his magic dancing shoes]''
:'''Tiger''': ''[looks at Cleo]'' You know, I don't even know if I want to save you DiC's. You're just uninspired rehashes of good ideas. Seriously, how cheap is DiC? This is a movie, and you all look like you were drawn on a napkin.
:'''Cleo''': Win the game and I'll blow you.
:''[Upon hearing this, Tiger immediately sinks the putt and wins the game. As the DiC toons celebrate, Tiger unzips his pants and takes a terrified Cleo by the hand into the Pancake House for his well-earned blowjob]''
:'''Hammerman''': ''[rapping]'' Everybody tee off, get a club in your hands, charisma-free sex addict saving DiC Land! Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to black with the bold white text &quot;Golf Jam was rented once from Redbox. The copy was returned on time.&quot;]''

===Super Guitaro Center [7.11]===
:'''Shredder''': The &quot;Channel 6 News Masquerade Ball&quot; is the opportunity for me to kidnap April O'Neil. She's the perfect bait to catch the turtles. ''[surprised to see April's costume]'' Wow! Out of that bulky lesbian jumpsuit, she's hot as ''[bleep]''!
:'''April''': Care to dance, Mr. Potter?
:'''Shredder''': WHAT?! ''[cuts to Shredder dancing with April]'' And, what's your costume?
:'''April''': Belle from &quot;Beauty and The Beast&quot;, but a dick-slut.
:'''Shredder''': Is your favorite restaurant, Taco &quot;Belle&quot;?
:''[Both laugh]''
:'''April''': You are hilarious.
:'''Shredder''': On the count of 3, say your favorite band. 1, 2, 3!
:'''Shredder and April''': Toad the Wet Sprocket! ''[pause, they both kiss]''
:'''April''': ''[feels the blade, and gasped]'' Wait. Are you-
:'''Shredder''': In love? Yes. WHAT?! Bye! ''[leaves]''
:'''April''': ''[realizing]'' Shredder?
:''[Cut to Shredder with April outside her apartment after the party]''
:'''Shredder''': Think of something poetic, Oroku. ''[to April]'' But soft, you are total boner food!
:'''April''': Oh, Shredder. My heart doesn't take sides.
:'''Shredder''': People won't approve.
:'''April''': No one can keep us apart.
:''[They both kiss again. Then cuts to the sewer]''
:'''Raphael''': Aww, Hell to the No! ''[punches a brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''April''': We're soul mates! We both love Toad the Wet Sprocket.
:'''Michelangelo''': Toad the-What?! Is that a sex thing?! Have you guys had sex?!
:'''April''': No. Just dry humping, and ball play.
:'''Raphael''': Ball play?! ''[punches the same brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''Splinter''': You must stay away from Shredder, April. He is dangerous. Sleep here tonight. Donatello, grab the guest pillows.
:''[Donatello grabs pizza boxes which are the guest pillows, and puts them on the couch. Later while everyone's asleep, Shredder comes up from behind the couch to see April]''
:'''April''': ''[gasps]'' What are you doing here?
:'''Shredder''': I came to say &quot;Hi&quot;, ''[lays down next to her]'' and also have sex after the whole &quot;Hi&quot; thing.
:'''April''': It's like Six Flags Hurricane Harbor in my panties right now. ''[they both kiss again. Later, we see her and Shredder outside the manhole]'' Mmm, Mmm. You really Toadied my Wet Sprocket. When will I see you again?
:'''Shredder''': Soon, I hope. I should go before the turtles wake up. Plus, I have some major ExtenZe farts coming on. ''[farts]''
:''[Next morning while April was having her breakfast]''
:'''Donatello''': April, just go on one date with Casey. He's a good guy.
:'''April''': Casey is a jobless loser in sweats! ''[walks away]''
:'''Casey''': Good start to my morning.
:'''[Cut to April with the Rat King]''
:'''April''': So, I left. What should I do, Mr. Rat King? I belong with Shredder.
:'''Rat King''': I have an idea! And my idea involves you taking a lot of poison very quickly.
:'''April''': ''[pause, interested]'' Go on?
:''[Cut to April playing dead]''
:'''Shredder''': ''[shocked]'' It can't be! April?! NO!!!! WHY?!?! ''[accidentally hits April with his spikes]''
:'''April''': ''[wakes up in pain]'' Ow! Ow! Ow! What the ''[bleep]''?! Shredder!
:'''Shredder''': April! You're alive!
:'''April''': The poison only made me appear dead. Didn't you read &quot;Romeo and Juliet&quot;, you ''[bleep]''ing ass clown? ''[gags and dies]''
:'''Shredder''': NOOOOOOO!!!!!! ''[a few seconds of silence]'' Just gonna take my Toad the Wet Sprocket bootleg back. ''[takes his CD back, and leaves]''

===Noidstrom Rack [7.12]===
:'''Picard''': ''[dozing in the captain's chair on the bridge of the Enterprise]'' What's that Beverly? You want Wesley to watch? Hmm, make it so! ''[jerks awake]'' Oh, 2300 hours, time for the night crew to relieve us! ''[moves to leave the bridge, as Captain Jake enters]'' Captain.
:'''Captain Jake''': Capitan! ''[the Enterprise bridge crew file out, as their night crew replacements enter]'' Night crew, maintain course. ''[cut to the Enterprise moving through space]'' Space, the final frontier! These are the 11pm to 7am voyages of the Enterprise's night crew. Its continuing mission...is to PAR-TAY! ''[starts drinking from a beer can as the night crew cheer]''
:'''Night Crew''': Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! [A Borg cube appears on the view screen]
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Captain Jake, a Borg cube is hailing us.
:'''Captain Jake''': They probably want us to turn down our jams...Fat chance!
:'''Borg Drone''': Lower your shields, your culture will adapt to service us.
:'''Captain Jake''': You want us to service you?
:'''Borg Drone''': Affirmative. You will service the Borg, all night if needed! ''[Commander LaFreak sniggers. The Borg Drone looks unamused]'' Wait! Our hive mind has assimilated double entendres- real mature, guys! Prepare for assimilation! ''[the Borg cube begins to shoot at the Enterprise with its lasers]''
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Our shields won't last long, sir! Should we wake up the bald guy?
:'''Captain Jake''': ''[opens another can of beer]'' No way, Commander LaFreak! We'll beat the Borg like we beat that frat on Gallos 7!
:'''Commander LaFreak''': We'll sell naked photos of their girlfriends at a pie-eating contest?
:'''Captain Jake''': What?! No! Like any frat, the Borg share a hive mind, man. If we get one Borg to party, all Borg will party! Night crew, prepare to rock out with our Spocks out! ''[the night crew beam across to the Borg cube]'' Anybody order a partygram? ''[the night crew start playing music and drinking with the Borg drones in the cube. He pulls out a bottle of champagne to a female Borg drone]'' Wet t-shirt contest! ''[opens the champagne bottle on the female drone, who doesn't react even when he douses her chest]'' Oh right, no shirt...you want mine? ''[removes his Captain's jumper, just as the Borg drone he talked to advances on him]'' Whoa, chill out, dude! Wait, is she your daughter?
:'''Borg Drone''': Enough! Partying is futile! ''[jabs Captain Jake with its injection tubes, only to recoil. Captain Jake grins]'' Your blood, so full of beer! Your party, so hearty! ''[grabs a cup of beer from a Klingon night crew member and chugs it]'' Woo-hoooo! ''[the rest of the Borg join the drone and the night crew in partying]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Now this, I can assimilate! ''[he and the drone hug]''
:''[Cut to the Borg cube drawing a giant cock on a planet with its lasers. Cut to an awards ceremony on the bridge of the Enterprise]''
:'''Starfleet Admiral''': Captain Jake, Starfleet thanks you for defeating the Borg. ''[hangs a medal around Captain Jake's neck]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Bitchin'!
:'''Picard''': ''[fuming]'' NIGHT CREEEEEEWWWWW! ''[everyone looks round nervously, until he grins]'' Beer me! ''[the night crew cheer and Jake tosses Picard a can]'' You glorious sons of bitches!

===Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13]===
:''[The Disney Princess Castle is shown]''
:'''Snow White''': ''[from inside]'' Welcome to the Princess Summit, ''[cut to inside]'' where we address the complex political issues facing our kingdoms.
:'''Rapunzel''': Hairstyles.
:'''Cinderella''': Talking pets.
:'''Tiana''': Hairstyles for our talking pets.
:'''Ariel''': Crabs. ''[everyone looks at her in disgust]'' I've got crabs.
:'''Snow White''': Well, isn't that just, um...and where is our newest princess?
:'''Merida''': ''[enters, carrying a dead boar dripping with blood]'' Ach! Sorry I'm late. I killed a boar on the way here.
:'''Aurora''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, you're so feminist and empowered. Great.
:'''Merida''': ''[laying boar on the table and gutting it]'' 'Ey, wee beastie! Have we got to grievances yet? A bunch of wee dwarves are illegally mining me territory.
:'''Snow White''': Oh, Merida, you have far bigger problems. Let me tell you about them.
:'''Merida''': Not a damn song.
:'''Snow White''': ''[singing]'' Here's a list of things to drop;
:Your accent, bow, that tangled mop.
:Fifteen pounds from off your hips
:Those ginger afros 'neath your pits
:And no prince will want to mingle
:With a girl with no hit single.
:''[Cinderella, Aurora, and Ariel hold up gold records]''
:'''Cinderella''': ''[spoken]'' And your pet's hair is a disaster.
:'''Merida''': That's me mother! She's a bear! The trailer was very misleading! ''[holds the knife to Snow White's neck''] I came here looking for justice; instead, I found treachery. Prepare yourself for war. ''[Leaves]''
:'''Mulan''': ''[following Merida]'' Someone finally said it! See you on the killing field, round-eyes. ''[leaves]''
:'''Belle''': Amen, sister. ''[leaves]''
:'''Tiana''': Stuck-up bitches!
:''[Rapunzel follows. The remaining princesses look on. We transition to the next scene where Snow White is preparing her army for war against Merida's army]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, that Merida! I'll show her. ''[out the window]'' Send in my war counsel. ''[a cute Disney-esque bird flies up to the windowsill]'' What shall I do, little one?
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Core that bitch like an apple.
:'''Snow White''': Oh my.
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Weave a tapestry of their intestines.
:'''Snow White''': Okay, okay, I get it, I get it. We need weapons.
:'''Cinderella''': I've got a guy.
:''[The Fairy Godmother appears]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, good idea. We'll fight them with magic.
:'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[laying bag of assault weapons on table]'' Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo, that's twenty grand.
:'''Princesses''': Ooh, wow!
:'''Ariel''': Do you need thingamabobs? I've got thingamabobs.
:'''Jasmine''': Nobody cares about the dildo collection you dredged up from the Atlantic, you fishy bitch. ''[Ariel runs away crying]'' Anyone else have cold tits?
:''[We cut to Merida's training grounds]''
:'''Merida''': All right, ladies. Show me what you've got.
:'''Rapunzel''': ''[whips the practice dummy with her hair, dismembering it, then strangling it]'' I finally found the perfect conditioner— ''[pops the dummy's head off]'' blood!
:'''Louis''': ''[shooting arrows and missed the target]'' Oh, curse these stubby arms.
:'''Merida''': You're an alligator. Be an alligator!
:''[Louis turns to Mushu, who is standing beside him]''
:'''Mushu''': Oh, wait! Don't...!
:'''Louis''': ''[eats Mushu]'' Oh! I'm so sorry!
:'''Mulan''': No, no, it was...it was a good kill.
:''[Cut to Snow White's army, ready for their coming battle]''
:'''Snow White''': Not all of us will live to wish upon a star tonight, but we give our lives for a greater good.
:'''Aurora''': ''[yawning]'' Oh dear, I think I'm getting sleepy. I might have to sit this one out, guys.
:'''Snow White''': Don't you pull that shit now!
:'''Aurora''': Just teasing.
:''[An arrow fired by an off-screen Merida strikes Aurora in the throat, killing her instantly]''
:'''Merida''': ''[with her army at the top of a hill]'' Bring me the scalp and/or weave of Snow White! Charge!
:''[The armies charge at each other]''
:'''Jasmine''': I will show you a world of death!
:''[They meet in the middle, where Ariel, now a mermaid, has brought an atomic bomb]''
:'''Ariel''': Look, everyone! I brought my thingamabob! My weapons-grade thingamabob!
:'''Cinderella''': Oh, you just don't know what words are. That's your thing.
:''[The bomb starts beeping, indicating its imminent detonation]''
:'''Princesses''': ''[realizing]'' Ahh! Run away! Run away! ''[running away from the bomb]''
:'''Sebastian''': ''[pops up from behind the bomb, singing]'' Bend over and grab your ankles!
:''[The bomb explodes, completely obscuring the scene with smoke and ash, until it dissipates, revealing that the explosion has eradicated almost everything, leaving nothing but a barren wasteland]''
:'''Merida''': ''[wounded, trudges by]'' Me mother's a bear.
:''[Tinkerbell arrives, then shoots her in the head with a gun, winks, and leaves]''

===Walking Dead Lobster [7.14]===
:''[We start on a gradient aquamarine-blue background, where the Gullah Gullah Island logo rolls in]''
:'''Announcer''': And now, back to Gullah Gullah Island!
:''[We cut to Ron and Natalie's house, where everyone plays Leapfrog with. Two policemen, one blonde and the other with brown hair, arriving at the front door]''
:'''Ron''': ''[jumps over Shaina and Binyah-Binyah]'' This sure is fun, Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': Binyah-Binyah! Have fun, too!
:''[The policemen knock on the door]''
:'''Ron''': I'll get it. ''[opens the door to show the policemen]''
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Hello, sir. We've investigated a tip. A criminal might be in the area; he's robbed a bank and shot three policemen.
:'''Ron''': Oh, no! Well, there's nobody here but me, my wife, our three children, and our man-sized pet polliwog.
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Yeah-no, no, no, that's a man in a frog suit.
:'''Natalie''': ''[incredulous]'' What?! No, he's just a giant polliwog we rescued.
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Where did you find him?
:'''Vanessa''': Oh, behind an amphibious animal costume shop!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': I'm gonna need him out of that frog suit by the count of three. ''[pulls out a pistol]'' One...
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': ''[raises both arms in the air as the Alstons stare in shock]'' Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Two...
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': ''[scared, waving arms]'' Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Three!
:'''Frogman''': ''[screams and strips out of costume, making the Alstons cover their eyes from seeing his nude lesion-covered body]'' No! Don't shoot!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': ''[still points pistol with other officer]'' Down on the ground, Frogman!
:'''Natalie''': ''[disgusted]'' What's on his skin?!
:'''Frogman''': Sores, you dumbass! From wearing that polliwog costume for four months straight! ''[is handcuffed by the blonde policeman and pulled out of the house]'' Binyah-Binyah! Binyah-Binyah!
:''[The brown-haired policeman clubs Frogman on the back of his head to knock him out, ending the sketch''

===Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15]===
:'''Peter Pan''': Fly with me, to Neverland! ''[flies out of the window with the Darling children]''
:'''Mary Darling''': ''[arrives with her husband too late]'' Children, no!
:''[Scene cuts to Neverland]''
:'''Peter Pan''': These are the Lost Boys. They're not vampires. ''[phone rings from inside a tree; curiously]'' We have a phone? ''[picks up the receiver]'' Hello?
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[on the phone]'' I don't know who you are. ''[cut to him with George and Mary]'' I don't know what you want. I don't know why you dress like...
:'''Mary Darling''': A gay Robin Hood.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Like a gay Robin Hood. I have a very particular set of skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. By which I guess I mean, flying gay Robin Hoods.
:''[Cut to Peter]''
:'''Peter Pan''': Good luck finding Neverland, grandpa. ''[hangs up and leaves]''
:''[Cut back to Bryan, George, and Mary]''
:'''George Darling''': Oh, what's he saying?
:'''Bryan Mills''': He's saying, &quot;Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...&quot;
:'''Mary Darling''': That's the dial tone.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Dial tone? ''[hangs up]'' Well, this is a very old phone. ''[to George and Mary]'' He's holding your children in what I presume is an underground sex club called Neverland.
:'''George Darling''': Oh thank goodness, you do security work for bankers like myself, Mr. Mills, but how will you reach the children? They were flying!
:'''Mary Darling''': I think I heard them say something about thinking happy thoughts.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Happy thoughts, eh? ''[imagining himself in the thought bubble, grabbing Peter Pan and throwing him on a step]''
:'''Peter Pan''': No! No! Please!
:''[Bryan crushes Peter's head destroying his face, the thought bubble vanishes]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': Whoo hoo, off I go! ''[flies through the roof]''
:''[Scene cuts to Neverland, Bryan kills the Lost Boys, except Slightly, who turns around and sees the other Lost Boys dead covered in blood]''
:'''Slightly''': ''[farts]'' I just pooped in my tail!
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[holding Slightly at knifepoint]'' Where are the children?!
:''[Slightly farts again before we cut to Wendy and the mermaids]''
:'''Wendy''': I've never meet real live mermaids before.
:'''Mermaid''': ''[laughs]'' That's so fun! Lets drown this bitch! ''[grabs Wendy by her arms]''
:'''Wendy''': No, please, no! ''[opens her eyes to see the mermaids dead]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[wearing the seashell bra]'' Wendy, where are your brothers?
:'''Wendy''': There! On the pirate ship!
:''[Cut to the Pirate ship where John and Michael are cornered by Captain Hook]''
:'''Captain Hook''': Time for these little chickadees to walk the plank! ''[laughs]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[near the dead pirates]'' Tick-tock, time's up! ''[kicks Captain Hook, who falls while screaming into the crocodile's mouth]'' I'm taking you home, children.
:'''Peter Pan''': ''[arrives with Tinkerbell]'' Not so fast, you old codfish! ''[Tinkerbell flies up to Bryan taunting him, Bryan uses his shoe to squash her]'' Tink! Oh, good luck getting home without her fairy dust, asshole!
:'''Bryan Mills''': Why would I want to leave when my happy thoughts are about to come true?
:'''Peter Pan''': Your what? ''[Bryan grabs him and throws him to a step]'' Oh! No! NO! ''[Bryan crashes his head with his foot before his shadow comes out]''
:'''Wendy''': Okay, but seriously man, how the ''[bleep]'' are we getting home?!
:'''Bryan Mills''': Hang on. ''[grabs Peter's shadow and throws it on the same step]''
:'''Peter's shadow''': No, no, wait! ''[screams as Bryan crushes its head in black blood with his foot]''

===Bitch Pudding Special [7.16]===
:''[Part 1 starts, as a funeral for Granny Graham Crackers is taking place at the Strawberryland Church; Raspberry Parfait is speaking at the podium]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Even on cloudy days, Pastryville always had a ray of sunshine. And her name was Granny Graham Crackers. Remember when she knit your favorite scarf, Black Cherry Pie?
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': ''[caressing her scarf fondly]'' I wear it everyday, Raspberry Parfait.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': And Fudge Turnover, remember when she fixed you leaky roof?
:'''Fudge Turnover''': She got heat-stroke and fell into the hedges.
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': ''[indignant]'' While you watched Tango and Cash on Netflix!
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Yes! While I watched Tango and Cash on Netflix.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': And Buttermilk Biscuits, I remember when Granny drove all the way to the big city to get-
:'''Buttermilk Biscuits''': ''[gesturing towards her neck]'' No. Nope. Mnh-mnh.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Your...tonsils out?
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Yeah, your unborn tonsils.
:''[Black Cherry Pie scowls at him]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': ''[clears her throat]'' Now then if there are no more speakers? ''[no one says a word, to her relief]'' Great! Then, in conclusion- ''[But Bitch Pudding opens the door just then. Everyone is shocked. Bitch Pudding walks up to the podium, lightly shoving her out of the way]'' W-We were just wrapping up here, Bitch Pudding.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[grabs the microphone and begin to speak in her calm southern accent]'' I remember Granny. ''[the audience is still dumbfounded]'' I remember her smile. ''[the audience looks relieved]'' I remember how much she loved baking sugar cookies. ''[wipes a tear from her eye]''
:'''All''': ''[react happily]'' Ahh!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': But most of all, I remember... ''[giving a angry rant]'' her rank-ass old-lady farts.
:''[Everyone gasps in shock]''
:''[Raspberry Parfait'': ''[facepalming]'' Oh, God.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': This bitch had no sense of smell, no sense of hearing, so all day long, she was like &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbhhhhhht!&quot;
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Okay. ''[chuckles]'' That's enough-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[pushes Raspberry Parfait and continues]'' And when you're a hundred years old, I guess panties are just an afterthought. I mean, raise your hand if you never saw Granny airing out the Ark of the Covenant! ''[while she’s talking, Raspberry Parfait does the hand signal to turn the camera off, but she then mouths &quot;What the?&quot; Everyone gasps and groans]'' I hope Granny is in heaven, but she had a gambling addiction, so Satan might be doing her up the butt. ''[Everyone gasps again]'' Knock twice if Satan's doing you up the butt, Granny. ''[in Granny's voice]'' I love it up the butt from Satan, everybody! ''[in Satan's voice]'' You rule, Granny! Ha ha! ''[begins humping the coffin; the others gasp and groan in shock once more]'' Now hit my ''[bleep]''ing theme song!
:''[Music plays in the style of “The Trooper” by Iron Maiden, as Bitch Pudding walks down the aisles where she steals an audience member's apple and takes a single bite before giving it to German Chocolate Cake and out of the church, where she closes the doors as the title for the special appears. Everyone starts murmuring]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Now, then-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[bursts into the church again, briefly]'' Da-da-da-da! Bitch Puddin'. Blam! ''[runs off; later that night, she is playing a shooter video game, where she is taking out several in-game enemies]'' Yeah! Suck it.
:''[Bitch Pudding's game avatar approaches a villager character]''
:'''Villager''': You have saved my village!
:''[Bitch Pudding's game avatar shoots the villager dead]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': You mean &quot;my&quot; village! ''[a rumble of thunder is heard as Bitch Pudding's house experiences a power outage and the TV screen dies]'' Aw!
:''[As more rumbles of thunder are heard, a mysterious hooded figure appears behind an unsuspecting Bitch Pudding, revealed by the illumination of lightning outside. The figure is seen first holding a knife, then an axe, then a pistol, and then finally a baseball bat, which the figure uses to club Bitch Pudding in the head-she grunts and falls unconscious. A few hours later]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Augh. Where?
:'''The Mailbird''': Oh, sounds like my cargo just woke up!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hey! You're that damn bird that delivers our mail.
:'''The Mailbird''': You bet your feathers. But tonight, I'm gettin' paid to make a special delivery. ''[Bitch Pudding sees the volcano nearby]'' Neither rain nor sleet nor snow will keep your ass out of that volcano. Adios, Bitch Pudding. ''[Bitch Pudding, however, is trying to escape from him]'' Glurk! Ooh! Aah!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': You flying turd! Who hired you?
:'''The Mailbird''': You kill me, we both die.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Good point, jazz cloth. But, on the other hand. ''[picks out 2 feathers, and stab him in his eyes]''
:'''The Mailbird''': ''[going blind]'' Ow! ''[falls to his death in the volcano]'' Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[falls onto the rocks and rolls down in pain]'' Ohhhhhhhh!!! ''[Bleeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Ow! Ow! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Ow! Oh! Ow! Oh! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeeeeeeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Oh, ''[bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Mother''[bleep]''ing mother''[bleep]'' er! Ow! Ow! ''[Bleep]'' me! Oh, God! ''[Bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''! ''[hits the tree]'' Ow! ''[Bleep]''! Ohhh! ''[BLEEEEEEEP]''!!!!! ''[falls unconscious again]''
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding opens her eyes to see the Schlorps]''
:'''Schlorp 1''': Who is she?
:'''Schlorp 2''': Grandpappy will know.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Please, stop talking. Your voice is irritating as ''[bleep]''!
:'''Schlorp 2''': How rude!
:'''Schlorp 3''': Well, she's not wrong.
:'''Schlorp 4''': Who is that?
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Welcome to Schlorptown, stranger! We are the Schlorps. And my name is Grandpappy Schlorp.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Are you in charge of this sh*thole?
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': You see anyone else with a beard around here?
:'''Schlorp 2''': We should Schlorp the &quot;Get to know you&quot; song!
:''[Everyone laughs and the peppy music plays]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed]'' No.
:'''Schlorps''': ''[singing]'' ♪If you get to know me,♪
:♪Then I'll get to know you!♪
:♪Once you're in the group,♪
:♪You're a friend through-and-through!♪
:'''Fishing Pole Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Fishing Pole Schlorp and I catch all the fish!♪
:'''Basketball Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Basketball Schlorp watch this!♪
:'''Schlorps''': Swish!
:'''I.B.S. Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm I.B.S. Schlorp!♪
:♪You'll find me on the stalls♪
:'''Wintertime Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Wintertime Schlorp♪
:♪I'm sweating off my balls?
:'''Chinese Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm a Schlorp who come from China.♪
:'''Miss Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Miss Schlorp with a vagina!♪
:'''Kazoo Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm a Schlorp who plays kazoo♪
:'''Kung Fu Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm a Schlorp who wants Kung Fu!♪ ''[accidentally karate chops the Kazoo Schlorp]'' So sorry!
:'''Schlorps''': ''[singing]'' ♪So how about the stranger?♪
:♪Tell us all about you!♪
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[grabs Banjo Schlorp's banjo to play it, but swears]'' ♪Shut the ''[bleep]'' u-u-up!!!♪
:''[Discordant note plays. She breaks the banjo and a fishing pole, while kicking a basketball far away. Afterwards, she gets angry to make the Schlorps feel shockingly bad]''
:'''I.B.S. Schlorp''': ''[his stomach growls]'' Oh, god! I'm not gonna make it. I'm not gonna make it. I'm not gonna make it. ''[craps himself]'' Aw. I didn't make it.
:''[Meanwhile, Grandpappy Schlorp tries to create a cast to Bitch Pudding's broken arm]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Ow, you old bastard!
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': There you go. Good as new. Ah, Schlorpette. Is that the Schlorp nut soup for our guest?
:'''Schlorpette''': Yes, but this is the last of our Schlorp nuts. They're all gone.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Aww. The last of the Schlorp nuts. And with winter on its way.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[sips the Schlorp nut soup, but spits it out]'' This tastes like moose dick! ''[smashes the bowl onto the floor]'' I got to go home! ''[heads towards the door]'' Some asshole tried to kill me, so that asshole's gonna get my boot up his asshole.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': With the Schlorp nuts gone, our village faces starvation. You see, the nuts were stolen by the evil squirrel wizard on one tree hill.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Phhhhhhht!
:'''Schlorpette''': It was called that before the show.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': This squirrel sounds like a pissy.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Then perhaps we can make a deal. Bring our nuts home and we help get your butt home.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Uuuuuuuugh! ''[later, she knocks on the door]''
:'''Trevor''': ''[arrives]'' Who dares disturb the sa-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blam! ''[attacking Trevor to death]'' Haungh, haungh, hungh! Lick my taco, Squirrel Wizard. Give those dicks their nuts back!
:'''Schlorpette''': Bitch Pudding! That's not the Squirrel Wizard!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Huh? Who the hell is it?
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': ''[arrives to see Trevor dead]'' Trevor? Trevor?! Oh, my god! Trevor!
:'''Schlorpette''': His life partner.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[shocked]'' Yuh-oh. ''[runs off]''
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': ''[in anger]'' Rrrrrrrrrrah! ''[using his magic wand to shoot at Schlorpette]''
:'''Schlorpette''': Aaaaaah! ''[vanishes]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[running away from the Squirrel Wizard]'' Squirrel alert! Squirrel alert!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': ''[arrives]'' Rrrrrrrrrgh!
:'''Schlorps''': Ohh!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': ''[starts attacking the Schlorps with his magic wand]'' Suck on this! Suck on this! Suck on this!
:'''Schlorp 2''': ''[his bottom half kicks him]'' Ow! Ooh! Ow!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Can't stay. Gotta go. Blam. ''[leaves]''
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Stay and fight, coward!
:'''Schlorp 1''': ''[getting shot]'' Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! ''[explodes]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Whew. Safe. ''[witnessing the Squirrel Wizard using magic spells to murder the Schlorps]'' Oh, ''[bleep]''! They're getting massacred! Who cares about those purple peckers? They never should have trusted me. Or...Or helped me?
:'''Narrator''': And at that moment, Bitch Pudding's heart grew three sizes bigger. Uh, metaphorically. You know, you'll just have to take my word for it.
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Die, you miserable Schlorps! And when you meet God, slap that mother''[bleep]''er in the face, because existence is nothing but his cruel joke on all of us!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Sorry, spunk-sponge! The Schlorps are under my protection! ''[a mutilated Schlorp coughs up blood and dies]'' Uh, starting now! ''[starts to fight against the Squirrel Wizard]''
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Ooh!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blick! ''[still fighting with him]'' Oh!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Suck it!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Oh! Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam! Blaaaam!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Aaah! For Trevor! Punch! Punch!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blam! Blam! Ba-ba-ba-blam! ''[knocks the Squirrel Wizard to the ground]''
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Ugh! Trevor! My fuzzy little angel! ''[Bitch Pudding takes his magic wand]'' Just do it! End me! Use any death spell you choose! Just say the magic words and end my pain!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Abracadabra. ''[stabs the Squirrel Wizard through the head with his wand, finally killing him]'' Eat ''[bleep]''.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': ''[walks into frame, horrified by this scene]'' My Schlorps, gone. All gone.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': As your champion, a eulogy is probably in order. ''[clears throat; Grandpappy Schlorp gives a nod to another Schlorp]'' What can be said- ''[is knocked out by a Schlorp with a baseball bat from behind]'' Ow! ''[a few hours later, she wakes up and finds out she is in a biplane]'' Huh? Where? What?
:'''Pilot Schlorp''': On behalf of &quot;''[Bleep]'' You Airlines,&quot; go ''[bleep]'' yourself.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[falls]'' Aaaaaaaaagh! Oooooh! Unh! Unh! Unh! ''[lands]'' I-I I'm home. ''[suddenly spots a carnival in Pastryville celebrating her supposed death]'' What the ''[bleep]''?
:'''Pastryville Citizen 1''': Toss Bitch Pudding in the volcano and win a prize!
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Volcano-fried Bitch Pudding on a stick!
:'''Buttermilk Biscuits''': I hate you, Bitch Puddin'!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[turns around to see a mural of her being dropped into the volcano by the mail-delivery bird]'' They were all in on it! The whole town tried to kill me?!
:''[Cut to the church, where the Pastryville citizens sing a hymn with a tune of &quot;It Came Upon a Midnight Clear&quot;]''
:'''Pastryville Citizens''': ''[singing]'' ♪She made our lives a living hell♪
:♪So nasty and so mean♪
:♪And when Bitch Pudding hit the lava♪
:♪You should have heard her scream♪
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': The first annual &quot;Bitch Pudding Is Dead&quot; Festival has been a rousing success! For generations to come, we will- ''[sniffs]'' Hey, guys, do you smell smoke?
:''[Everyone finds that the church is on fire, they all scream]''
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Oh, ''[bleep]''! The door won't open! ''[a Pastryville citizen runs by on fire, screaming. The others attempt to break the church door down]'' All together, now.
:'''Everyone''': One! Two! Three! Oh! Oh!
:''[Upon bursting out, they find Bitch Pudding, alive and well, and holding a minigun in front of them]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blam. ''[as revenge, she guns down every last citizen. A bloodied, mortally wounded Raspberry Parfait grabs onto Bitch Pudding with her last dying ounces of strength]'' Remember when I said I'd shoot you last?
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': I have absolutely no memory of that.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Must have been a fantasy I had when I was masturbating!
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': ''[Bleep]'' you, Bitch Pudding... ''[falls over and dies; Bitch Pudding surveys the dead bodies as heavy metal music plays]''
:''[One day later, Bitch Pudding is seen leaving Pastryville]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': So that's my story. I probably should have done a voiceover through the whole thing, but I didn't feel like it. Now, the only question is what does the future hold?
:''[A car arrives, driven by Nick Fury of the Avengers]''
:'''Nick Fury''': Bitch Pudding. You have become a part of a larger Universe.
:''[Credits; when it ends, Bitch Pudding is seen having stolen Nick Fury's car, driving away]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Da-da-da-da! Blam!
:'''Nick Fury''': ''[left behind]'' What a bitch.

===Batman Forever 21 [7.17]===
:''[Nana is sitting alone, tied to her doghouse at the doorstep of the Darling house]''
:'''Peter Pan''': Off to Neverland!
:'''Michael''': Come on, Nana. ''[grabs Tinker Bell and sprinkles pixie dust all over Nana]''
:''[Nana starts to rise, but gets tangled in the rope and dies]''
:'''Peter Pan and the Children''': ''[in the distance]'' YAAAY!

===The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's [7.18]===
:'''Bionic-1''': Family, after nearly killing you on a ski trip to the Himalayas, I saved our lives by giving each of you bionic implants. Let's use these cool, new powers as the Bionic Six!
:''[The children cheer]''
:'''Mother-1''': Uh, hun, maybe we should be thankful we're alive and not...
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC SIX!
:'''IQ''': Open wide!
:'''Rock-1''': You just got eighty-Bionic-Sixed!
:'''Sports-1''': ''[bat cracking]'' Dad, turns out hitting homers isn't a superpower-AAH! ''[gets riddled with bullets]''
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC FIVE!
:'''Mother-1''': Eric?!
:'''Bionic-1''': Uh, his codename is Sports-1.
:'''Mother-1''': He was our son, and now he's dead! You asshole! We're getting a divorce.
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC FOUR!
:'''Karate-1''': WAA- ''[also gets riddled with bullets]''
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC THREE!
:'''IQ''': You killed my brother! ''[crushes Rock-1]''
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC TWO!
:'''IQ''': ''[crying]'' We never had any training... ''[crushes himself]''
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC ONE!
:'''BIONIC-1''': Only now do I see that bionics solve nothing...GUH! ''[gets riddled with bullets]''
:'''Announcer''': I AM OUT OF WORK!

===Chipotle Miserables [7.19]===
:'''Announcer''': From the makers of &quot;Les Misérables&quot;, comes another story about a prisoner in need of redemption.
:''[Hamburglar enters a courtroom, with Ronald McDonald as the judge]''
:'''Hamburglar''': ♫ Have mercy, my lord. I'm not a man of violence. I stole Big Mac's to feed my fami- ♫
:'''Ronald McDonald''': SILENCE! ♫ From this day on to bring you shame, Your crime, Hamburglar, shall be your name! ♫
:'''Hamburglar''': NOOOOOO!
:'''Ronald McDonald''': ♫ Yes, that's your name. There's no way to escape this. And you're French Fry Killer and you're the Nugget Rapist. ♫
:''[Cuts to Birdie inside of a McDonald's kitchen with Ronald McDonald]''
:'''Announcer''': A poultry in need of hope.
:'''McDonald's Employees''': ♫ By the time the day ends, this one will do nicely. Cause, a bird on the grill, is worth two in the hat. ♫
:'''Birdie''': ♫ You're supposed to be a friend, to all in McDonaldland. ♫
:'''Ronald McDonald''': ♫ You're a food that I serve fried, to billions worldwide. So, you kind of should've seen this coming. ♫
:'''McDonald's Employees''': ♫ By the time the day ends. ♫ ''[carry her out]''
:'''Birdie''': NOOOOO!
:''[Cuts to Birdie in a McDonald's kitchen, all her feathers plucked]''
:'''Announcer''': Every performance, riveting.
:'''Birdie''': ♫ I had a dream that I would be, more than a nugget made for dipping. ♫
:''[Cuts to Hamburglar, with Birdie's egg]''
:'''Hamburglar''': ♫ I promise I will save your child, and keep her here among the living. ♫
:'''Birdie''': ♫ There's so much hope in my hear- ♫
:''[A McDonald's Employee decapitates Birdie with a meat cleaver]''
:'''Hamburglar''': Oh, GOD!
:''[A McDonald's Employee throws Birdie's body in a pot of boiling oil]''
:'''Announcer''': Every line of dialogue sung.
:'''Hamburglar''': Now, who will rise?! ''[crowd mumbles; coughs]'' I mean. &quot;♫ Who will rise?! ♫&quot;
:''[The crowd cheers and engages in a war against the McDonald's Employees. A McDonald's Employee drinks Happy Meal Drink]''
:'''Happy Meal Drink''': No! Please stop sucking!
:''[A McDonald's Employee bites Mayor McCheese]''
:'''Mayor McCheese''': No! No! No! No! No! Aaaaahhhhhh!
:'''Hamburglar''': ''[stabs a McDonald's Employee, and holds up a McDonald's flag]'' Robble Robble!
:'''Announcer''': Les Misérobble Robble.
:''[The words &quot;Les Misérobble Robble&quot; appear along with Hamburglar]''

===The Robot Chicken Lots of Holidays But Don't Worry Christmas is Still In There Too so Pull the Stick Out of Your Ass Fox News Special [7.20]===
:And now back to &quot;The Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'hoole&quot; Christmas special.
Who? Who?
[Wings flapping]
Who is watching this program?
[sighs] Man, Christmas gets all the animated specials. I wish someone would do one for the other holidays. That would be so cool. [inhales, yawns] So... cool. [warble!] [groans] Huh?! Aaaaah! Aah! Aah! - He's a maniac! Help! - Both: Huh? Oh! What?! [Panting, crying] Whoops! Unh! What? Oh, boy. [funky, mid-tempo music plays] Ow! Your feet! Yeeow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh, my god! [sneezes] Uh...hey! Ow! Yeow! Yeow! Uh, that's okay. No, thank you. No, no, no. [Chatters] What the [bleep] Unh! Unh! Oh, yeah! I think I love you. Here goes. My New Year's resolution is - to quit drinking! - ... ... ... - Happy New Year! - All: Yay! [Twinkle!] Whoa! You're baby New Year! Did you come here to help me ring in ? No, Jim. I came to talk to you about the promise you made. Remember ... to give up drinking? But I made that resolution seconds ago. It's binding. Hyah! [Screaming] ♪ Baby New Year, resolution enforcer ♪ The Chipmunks' Christmas album went double-mahogany on the charts. So we decided to release a holiday album for - the other holidays. - # Theodore # Take a listen. [mid-tempo music plays] All: # St. Patrick's day is finally here # ♪ time to drink our weight in beer ♪ ♪ sipping green ale from a can ♪ ♪ I think I blew a homeless man ♪ And what's sure to be a halloween classic. All: # hello, people, trick or treat # ♪ I hope you give us something sweet ♪ ♪ give us candy, that's the plan ♪ ♪ I think I blew a homeless man ♪ Uh, Theodore, I think you're repeating the lyric - from St. Patrick's day. - Nope. I blew a homeless man on Halloween also. I was high on candy. - Okay! Well, there's ... - And PCP. There's also a great song for Thanksgiving! All: # hooray, it's finally turkey day # ♪ we'll drink and laugh our cares away ♪ ♪ eat pies of pumpkin and pecan ♪ I probably didn't blow a homeless man...? Theodore, this is a safe place. ♪ Okay, I definitely blew a homeless man ♪ [bells jingle] # He sees you when you're healthy # ♪ he knows when you feel sick ♪ [coughs] # he knows if you've been naughty or nice # ♪ that's right, Santa can't be tricked ♪ All right, let's go over my naughty-and-nice list for this year. Well, Billy Marchetti in Rochester stole a candy bar. Looks like someone is now on my naughty list. But he did it because his family's on welfare and his mom traded all the food stamps for heroin. Oh. Um... Hmm. That's a tough one. ♪ He watches when you're home ♪ ♪ he knows when you're away ♪ ♪ he's also starting to realize ♪ ♪ that life is morally gray ♪ Regina from Nome, Alaska, got an &quot;A&quot; on her math quiz. Well, that's cut-and-dried ... a gift for Regina. - But only because she cheated. - Okay, coal for Regina. Bu-u-u-u-u-u-t... she only cheated on the test because she can't read the blackboard due to the fact - she's dyslexic. - Aghhh! ♪ He's having an existential crisis ♪ ♪ that smug look's wiped off of his face ♪ Guys. Guys, stop. Stop singing. All right? Just ... just stop. I have a lot of things to think about. [wind whistling] Help yourself to some cookies, Sherry. I made them for the whole office. I told myself I wouldn't. But hey, yolo. Unh! ♪ Baby New Year, resolution enforcer ♪ Mother, are you watching over me, like Simba's dad did for him? [echoing] Here I am, Bambi. Oh, wow! Mom! D-Do you have any sage - advice for me? - Yes, my son. The rampant deer population is a real problem. - You have to k*ll yourself. - I-I thought you were gonna tell me, like, I was the one true king or something. No. You're a deer. Deer are meaningless! Meaningless... meaningless. Oh, I wish I had known her, father. - Yes, she was quite wonderful. - Tell me ... what was she like? Unh! Unh! Unh! Yeah! [dolphin squeals] Oh, she was enthusiastic, the most beautiful one in her pod. Oh, that's ... Wait ... pod? What pod? [yiddish accent] Nemo, put on your yarmulke - for your mother. - I don't want to! We're fish! - This is stupid! - Put on your yarmulke, Nemo! I'm tired of your shit! Sh'ma. Fishrael fish adonai... Happy Mother's day from all of us in the Disney family - who've lost our mothers. - Mickey, do you miss - your mama, too? - Ha! No! She ate all my brothers and sisters. Mice are monsters. [lisping] Oh, no. It's Valentine's day, and I have too many dates. Happy Hanukkah, Joshua. Here. I got you lots of Hanukkah gelt. [hip-hop music plays] [rapping] # I got so much Hanukkah gelt # ♪ yo, this musta been how Rockefeller felt ♪ ♪ chocolate money, it ain't even funny ♪ ♪ keep my wallet in the freezer so that shit don't melt ♪ ♪ I walk into the club, and I make it rain ♪ ♪ and now your booty all covered in a chocolate stain ♪ ♪ gelt in my socks, gelt in the banks ♪ ♪ I give gelt to my homies, and they say... ♪ - Together: Thanks! - # I give gelt to the Germans, - and they say... # - Together: Danke! ♪ I got more chocolate than Willy Wonka ♪ ♪ so much gelt, it'll make you sick ♪ ♪ I got more hot cocoa than Ice-T's [bleep] ♪ ♪ so much chocolate, make ya pop ya belt ♪ ♪ ya understand me, mother [bleep] ♪ - # I got so much gelt # - [gasps] Hey! This money's made of chocolate. You owe us grand. Oy gevalt! Happy Memorial day, my smurfs! This is the day on which we honor all the fallen smurfs of smurfs past. Myspace smurf. [bell tolls] Payphone smurf. [bell tolls] Ohhh, &quot;Talk to the hand&quot; smurf. [bell tolls] Michael Dukakis smurf. [bell tolls] I'm sensing a trend here. All of these smurfs were - kind of outdated. - Yes, it is a sad thing when a smurf outlives his usefulness. I mean, dies. Well, did these smurfs die of natural causes? Well, let me think. [twinkle!] Hmm. Doesn't look busy enough. [g*n] [g*n] Ew! Talk to the han... [g*n] [g*n] Yep ... natural causes. You sure about that? [dramatic music plays] Handy smurf ... tonight. He knows too much. Mrrow. [sighs] I swore I'd stop spanking it, but I just can't say no to you, Marjory. Unh! Unh! Unh! Broke your resolution, eh? [choking] - This makes it so much better! - I'm gonna sit this one out. ♪ Baby New Year, resolution enforcer ♪ I love spending these nights together, baby. Just me, you, and the desolation of nature. I love you, St. Nick. [rumbling] What the [bleep] Santa! Mrs. Claus! It is a true honor to meet you. I ... Hey, thanks for blocking our - view, dumbass! - Oh. Sorry. I didn't know your place was here when I threw the crystal. Good thing I didn't hook it, or your house would be in my living room. [laughs] There's a million [bleep] miles of ice up here, and you pick feet from our house for this... - Fortress of solitude. - You built your Fortress of solitude next to the only other house in the entire Arctic?! It'll be nice to have a neighbor. - Would you like some tea? - Another time, ma'am. Duty calls. Up, up, and away! Douche. Blitzen, have you been chewing on my boots again? Oh, god! [sighs] Son of a bitch. I had a fun thought. Why don't you wear - a cape tonight? - What? With an &quot;S&quot; on it. You know ... for &quot;Santa.&quot; [growls] Hello? Homeowners association? Superman's place is so close to mine, I can smell it when he takes a crap. Oh. Fine. Whatever. All right, see if Superman brings your kid that new wheelchair this Christmas. The H.O.A. won't kick him out unless I find just cause, huh? Hmm. What kind of weirdo builds an entire miniature city in a bottle? Ow! Tiny people! We've got tiny superpeople here! What the hell?! Aaaaargh! Ahhh! [techno music plays in distance] [groans] That's it! [slurred] Who the [bleep] are you? Who the [bleep] are you? This party is too g*dd*mn loud! Where's Superman? What the...? - Rudolph? - Huh? - Naw, man. I'm D.J. Venison. - Betrayal! Hey, everyone. Grandpa says we're being too loud. [music stops] [angry murmuring] What?! Which one of you buttholes is sh**ting arrows?! Yaaaaah! - Hello, neighbor! - Suck on this ruling, Tinker Bell! - The H.O.A. says you're out! - Well, the rules are the rules. Guess I should start packing. [laughs] Yeah. You do that. Don't forget to write. Oh, it's gonna be a good day, Martha. No more Superm... What the ... Superma-a-a-a-a-n! I'm sure Santa's out there somewhere, Martha. - I'll look some more ... - Tomorrow. Morning. - Mm! - Ohhh! [warble!] Ehhhhh?! - Oh, boy. - Shh. - Don't speak. - Mnnnnnh! [funky, mid-tempo music plays] [dramatic music plays] Oh! [gasps] - Friend of yours? - [gasps] Ohh!</text>
      <sha1>rnzzw7d6938l1wijt68ndfdln0lffej</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3148024</id>
      <parentid>3148022</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T05:50:09Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Bitch Pudding Special [7.16] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="68707" xml:space="preserve">===G.I. Jogurt [7.01]===
:''[At the Emmy Awards, a G.I. Joe PSA of Roadblock talking to two children is shown on the big screen]''
:'''Roadblock''': I don't know why a 7-year-old would need to deep fry a turkey, but know you know how.
:'''Children''': And knowing is half the battle.
:''[The PSA ends with the &quot;G.I. Joe&quot; jingle]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Be a Turkey on Thanksgiving&quot;.
:''[The G.I. Joes clap, and Duke kisses Scarlett before he heads up with Roadblock to collect their award, while COBRA Commander and Destro watch on from the cheap seats]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': Look at them, Destro. The Joes churn out pedestrian advice to dead-eyed children, and the public eats it up! ''[mocking the Joes]'' &quot;Hey, kids, don't play with fallen electrical lines.&quot; ''[normal voice]'' Reads like a dispatch from the no-shit clinic.
:'''Destro''': I'll get the nerve gas.
:'''COBRA Commander''': No, you fool. We'll beat them at their own game. ''[clenching his fist]'' We'll create our own PSAs!
:''[Cut to COBRA Commander, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, and the Crimson Twins in the briefing room at COBRA Headquarters]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': OK, OK, let's just throw some ideas out there. This is a safe creative place. Dr. Mindbender, go.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Well, I thought our PSA could communicate an idea non-verbally. I've discovered that painting directly on celluloid creates a sort of &quot;tone poem&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Holy ''[bleep]'', that's sounds terrible. I'm sorry, safe place, but holy shit, that was fucking dumb. Next!
:'''Baroness''': ''[enters the room]'' Oh, I forgot you guys were in here writing. I was just looking for a hammer to hang my degree in screenwriting from Aberdeen. Anything I can do for you while I'm in here? ''[looks at him]'' Destro?
:'''Destro''': She's actually really funny, you guys.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Hey, you lost me at &quot;She's&quot;. ''[Bleep'' it! We're doing it without a script.
:''[Cut to the set of COBRA's PSAs, as Destro supervises, Storm Shadow is having his makeup done by one COBRA soldier, and two more soldiers move a camera. Dr. Mindbender enters the set with a group of children]''
:'''Destro''': Dr. Mindbender, you found four young children for our PSAs.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Uh, yes. ''[puts his arms around the children]'' That is what these kidnapped children are for.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[talking to Storm Shadow, who is reading his lines]'' OK, Storm Shadow, these two children will be running with scissors. Now, this upsets you, and you...
:'''Storm Shadow''': Why?
:'''COBRA Commander''': It's dangerous to run with scissors.
:'''Storm Shadow''': I run with Katana. Is that not dangerous?
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow, I hadn't thought of that. Excellent point, Storm Shadow. ''[whispers to Tomax]'' Get this piece of ''[bleep]'' off my set!
:''[One of the children runs past, giggling while running with scissors, but ends up getting killed by Storm Shadow]''
:'''Storm Shadow''': Well, COBRA Commander, it looks like I owe you an apology.
:''[First COBRA PSA: Serpentor telling children about using supplies only at the post office]''
:'''Serpentor''': So, remember, only take supplies if you'll use them for post office business. Any other use is a felony.
:'''Boy''': Now I'm aware.
:'''Serpentor''': ''[putting his arms around the children and smiling]'' And awareness is the second 50% of the conflict in question. ''[beat]'' Somebody say ''[bleep]''ing &quot;Cut&quot;!
:''[Second COBRA PSA: COBRA Commander tells children about the joys of reading]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': And I think you'll find it's not hard to read when you take the time to sssssssssound it out. ''[both children giggle]'' Oh, yesss, I've got a sssmall ssspeech impediment. ''[both children laugh; irritated]'' It'sss not funny! ''[removes his mask, as the children scream and run away, only for the Commander to shoot them dead]'' Shut. It. Down.
:''[At the next Emmy Awards...]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Star in a COBRA PSA&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[shaking his fist]'' What?!
:'''Destro''': ''[shouting over to the troops]'' Pump the nerve gas!

===Link's Sausages [7.02]===
:''[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are standing in the street]''
:'''Tommy Pickles''': ''[holding his Reptar doll]'' Well, after crossing the freeway, base jumping off a cliff, and dodging bullets in a gang war, we finally found my Reptar doll.
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enters the street, finding the babies]'' Tommy! What are you doing in the street?!
:''[Cut to the Pickles' house]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, thank God! They've been lost for hours! Where were they?
:'''Didi Pickles''': Stu, a word?  ''[they walk into the kitchen, their voices get muffled as they talk with the door shut]'' What the ''[bleep]'', Stu?!
:'''Stu Pickles''': Well, I'm sorry. The babies escaped, and I-
:'''Didi Pickles''': Escaped?! They're babies, you sackless moron!
:'''Stu Pickles''': I was downstairs, working on a new toy, and they just-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, a new toy! Never mind, then!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[tearing up]'' Didi, if you keep ridiculing my work, I-I swear to God-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enraged]'' What?! You'll hit me?! Ooh, you're such a man!
:''[Thudding and crashing are heard as Didi violently beats Stu offscreen]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': Didi, stop!
:'''Didi Pickles''': I'll be the man! See, Stu?! I'm the man!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[sobbing]'' I want a divorce!
:''[The babies look devastated as the screen cut to static]''

===Secret of the Booze [7.03]===
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf shaving his beard in his house]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': I don't usually get involved in day-to-day operations, so I'm smurfing undercover. They'll never smurf it's me. ''[chuckles; takes off his pants]'' Ohh, I haven't smurfed these things off in nearly 300 years! Talk about crotch rot!
:''[Title Card: Undercover Smurf Boss]''
:'''Farmer Smurf''': So, you're my new intern, huh?
:'''Papa Smurf''': That's right, Farmer Smurf. Teach me to care about your sad, little life...I mean your noble and fulfilling, uh, career choice.
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Well, Smurfs are a thirsty bunch, so we got to smurf them fresh milk every day!
:''[A giant caterpillar slithers in and turns onto its side, revealing its udders]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[being filmed]'' We've been drinking CATERPILLAR MILK?! ''[milks the giant caterpillar, his hands getting sore]'' Oh, this is agony. It feels like my hands are gonna smurf off!
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Yep, my carpal tunnel got so bad, they had to fuse my wrist bones in place!
:'''Papa Smurf''': But our healthcare is smurfy, right?
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Eh, my deductible is 2,000 smurfberries.
:'''Papa Smurf''': WHAT?! ''[cash register dings]''
:''[Title Card: 1 Smurfberry = 1.78 USD]''
:''[Scene cuts to the Smurf Hospital. Doctor Smurf packs his medical bag]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': Doctor Smurf, why are deductibles so high?
:'''Doctor Smurf''': Boy, you smurf a lot of uppity questions for an intern. Uh, just treat the next patient while I go for a Jamba Juice run in my gold-plated helicopter.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Actually, I'm not really qualified.
:''[Outside the window, Doctor Smurf takes off in his gold-plated helicopter. Door opens, Smurfette and Handy Smurf enter the room]''
:'''Smurfette''': We need Doctor Smurf! Handy had an accident!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Did someone get a sliver? ''[Handy shows his bleeding hand, missing all of his fingers]'' OH MY SMURFING GOD!!!
:'''Handy Smurf''': I sawed right through a load-bearing mushroom! Half our building materials are fungus! Oh, trade school didn't prepare me for this!
:'''Smurfette''': You can smurf his fingers, right, nurse?
:'''Papa Smurf''': I'll certainly try. ''[being filmed]'' I certainly tried.
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf sewing Handy's fingers while Handy lies dead on the table]''
:'''Smurfette''': ''[crying]'' You can probably stop sewing.
:'''Papa Smurf''': No, no, no. I-I'm gonna get this. ''[walks up to Grouchy Smurf]'' So, Grouchy Smurf, how's the coffee today?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate coffee!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh! Okay. But how do you like working here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate working here.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh, goodness. Okay. Well, is there anything that maybe Papa Smurf could do?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate Papa Smurf!
:'''Papa Smurf''': All right, what exactly do you do around here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I-I hate stuff?
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[puts on his red hat]'' I'm being deadly serious.
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I...I... ''[cuts to him, shoveling dog poop outside]'' I hate shoveling dog ''[bleep]''.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Well, now that's actually an appropriate reaction. Carry on, dog-''[bleep]'' Smurf! ''[leaves]''
:''[More dog poop falls from above, next to Grouchy]''

===Rebel Appliance [7.04]===
:'''Lion-O''': My fellow Thundercats! When danger is near, I shall hold the Sword of Omens aloft and yell out a battle cry
:'''Cheetara''': What shall our battle cry be, Lion-O?
:'''Lion-O''': &quot;Thunder, thunder, thunder, thundercats, I need you because evil is near, and we are friends, and we are a team. So we must come together and fight because the Eye of Thundera is in the sky, and it is summoning everyone together. So please come here Panthro and Tygra and Panthro and also Cheetara and also Wilykit and Wilicat and also Snarf. I think I said Panthro twice. I won't do that every time. Yes, we are the Thundercats. This is our battle cry. I love you guys. You are my best friends, and I am Lion-O and I am a Thundercat, and you guys are Thundercats too. Mumm Ra is not a Thundercat, he's bad and we're gonna win against him, because we are the Thundercats, and the Thundercats are here for you today because we are the Thundercats yeah, I'm Lion-O&quot;. I hope you write that down.
:'''Snarf''': I liked it. ''[Wilykat slaps him]'' OW!

===Legion of Super-Gyros [7.05]===
:''[With Grover and Oscar the Grouch]''
:'''Grover''': Oh boy, it sure is a great day here on Sesame Street!
:'''Oscar''': Yeah, especially since we're the last neighborhood in New York that hasn't been gentrified.
:'''Grover''': Until today, because our special guest is Hannah Horvath from the marginally popular but ignored in the flyover states HBO series, Girls!
:'''Hannah''': Hey, do you know where I could find a cocaine dealer/organic Vietnamese taco truck around here?
:'''Oscar''': ''[Bleep]'' me! ''[gets back inside his trash can]''
:'''Hannah''': ''[feels Grover]'' Ooh, you're so cute! ''[later that night]'' I really love how you don't play games, Grover.
:'''Grover''': Oh but I play lots of games, patty cake, and marco polo...Ugh!
:'''Hannah''': ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jacking off]'' Insult my parents! Oh yeah!
:'''Grover''': Woah! ''[scene cuts to him and Hannah learning about numbers with apples]'' Today, we are going to learn about the number 3, I have 3 apples!
:'''Hannah''': And I know 3 girls who were date raped at the same bar on 6th street.
:'''Grover''': That is sad. ''[Hannah eats the apple]'' Uh...you're eating my props.
:'''Hannah''': I'm proud of my body.
:'''Grover''': I know, I know.
:'''Hannah''': Ugh! Yeah! ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jerking off again]''
:'''Grover''': Oh, God!

===El Skeletorio [7.06]===
:'''Crypt Keeper''': Oh, hello! I was just enjoying the latest best &quot;heller&quot;! ''[laughs evilly, but then rips off book cover]'' This is actually Dan Brown's &quot;Inferno.&quot; It's a piece of shit. Our next tale is something of an &quot;alle-gory&quot;! You might say it's a &quot;meta-gore&quot;! Let's just roll it.
:''[Cuts to the outside of Bitch Pudding's house, where the title of the sketch appears. We cut to inside the hpuse, where Bitch Pudding is sleeping]''
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out. Get out of the house. Get out of the hou-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Why don't you get your tongue out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole so I can jam your mama's ''[bleep]'' up there, you ''[bleep]''-gargling pile of monkey spunk? Nothing to say now, huh?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': There's just a lot to unpack there.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Well, wake me up when you figure it out, ''[bleep]'' stick. ''[goes back to sleep]''
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding goes to her fridge when she sees the chairs and flower pot of her table are now completely deformed]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed, she flips them over and destroys them]'' BLAM! Where's your ''[bleep]''-ass art project now, ''[bleep]'' nut?
:'''Ghostly voice''': It wasn't supposed to be art, it was supposed to scare you! God! Forget it! I'm leaving! ''[cuts to Strawberry Shortcake's house, where she is sleeping]'' Strawberry Shortcake!
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': ''[wakes up]'' Huh? What?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out of the house!
:''[A red substance begins to ooze out of the walls, causing Strawberry Shortcake to scream in fear]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[breaks in through the window]'' Hey, ''[bleep]''ing clown, if you're ragging so bad, why don't you take your mama's tampon out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole and lick it clean before you shove it up your ''[bleep]''?!
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Hey, stop talking about my dad's ''[bleep]''hole! I'll-I'll leave town, okay? Oh, FYI, that isn't blood, that is strawberry jam, m'lady. The insulation is leaking. All I did was turn the painting upside down. Live with it.
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': Do you think he was right about the insulation? That could be berry expensive.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hmm, let's see. That depends on whether I give a ''[bleep]'', ''[bleep]'' tits! ''[make a fanfare noise]'' Bitch Pudding! BLAM! ''[jumps out the window]''
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': I should really move.

===Snarfer Image [7.07]===
:''[Ticking, cuts to Elmer Fudd in a field]''
:'''Elmer Fudd:'' ''[narrating]'' Time travel has not been invented yet, ''[cocks his gun]'' but in 30 years, it will be. ''[gunshot]'' In the future, TV networks don't awwow cartoons to have guns, so if they want to kill someone, they send them back here to me. My name is Elmer Fudd, and I'm a Wooper. ''[Title Card: Wooper]'' The only wule is never let your target escape, even if your target is you.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': ''[appears in the field]'' What are you waiting for? Shoot me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': What?!
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': In the future, they don't let me have a gun! That was my one dimension as a character! Know what I did yesterday? I slept for 15 hours and then beat it to a Weader's Digest! Help me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': I can't.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': Come on, give it to me. ''[crying]'' Pleeeease. ''[gunshot]''
:'''Yosemite Sam''': ''[appears in the field]'' I'll have what he's having. ''[gunshot]''
:''[Cuts to Porky Pig on the Looney Tunes circles. The words &quot;That's all, folks!&quot; appear in front]''
:'''Porky Pig''': Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-...That's all, folks! ''[gunshot]''

===Up, Up, and Buffet [7.08]===
:'''Fiona''': The spell has broken! This was my true form all along! I can't wait to marry you, Shrek!
:'''Shrek''': Marry you?
:'''Fiona''': Well, yeah! Since we look the same now, we'll live happily ever after!
:'''Shrek''': Fiona, every morning, I look at myself in the mirror, and I wish my mother had the courage to throw me in the river when I was born. Then I make my way to the putrid swamps, the only place on God's green Earth a monster like me feels at home. Sometimes, children gather to scream at me. &quot;Monster!  Animal!&quot;, they yell. Then someone screams, &quot;Kill yourself!&quot; and it takes a few seconds to realize the voice is coming from my own mouth! By then, I've made my way to the old hanging tree. Before I have time to think about it, I'm wrapping a vine around my own neck. It goes &quot;tot&quot; and I pray to the gods that this time, the vine will hold! But alas, everyday, I wake up in my own filth and I lie there and I cry. I cry because I'll live to see my face again! So nay, marrying a lass with a face as hideous as my own is not on my to-do list!
:'''Fiona''':''[with her mouth full]'' Have you tried these mini cheeseburgers? They're great! ''[sees Shrek hanging from a noose, and to Shrek's disappointment, the noose snaps]''

===Panthropologie [7.09]===
:''[Caption: LEGO City, 2014]''
:'''Wife''': Honey, look out! Cliche!
:'''Gerry''': Huh? ''[all screaming]'' What's happening?!
:'''Cop''': Kre-O! They're everywh- Aah! ''[gets torn apart by the Kre-O's]''
:'''Wife''': There's something wrong with them. They look like us but different!
:'''General''': ''[lands in the helicopter]'' This way! Hurry! Your life has more value than other people! ''[the Lanes get onto the helicopter]'' Gerry, we need your expertise!
:'''Gerry''': My expertise? I'm not a soldier!
:'''General''': Gerry, we need a lawyer.
:''[Title Card: WORLD WAR B (as in blocks)]''
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': Put simply, Gerry, we're being invaded by imitation blocks.
:'''Assistant''': Off-brand products with a taste for LEGO blood!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': They're nearly identical but different. Wrong. Like when you sit on your hand until it goes to sleep. You try to pretend Flo from the Progressive commercials is giving you an HJ, but you know it's not Flo. You know that! She'd never be so clumsy, so artless.
:'''General''': That's impossible! We're trademarked!
:'''Gerry''': No, general. LEGO bricks aren't protected by trademark. They're protected by patent.
:'''General''': Hell, man, what's the difference?
:'''Gerry''': The difference is...patents expire! Cool! Someone turned that legal document into a GIF. That's fun.
:'''General''': Isn't it &quot;jiff&quot;? Anyway, how do we stop it?
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': There's nothing we can do. ''[whispering]'' Don't worry, Flo. I'll protect you.
:'''Assistant''': Don't worry, girl from the Wendy's commercials.
:'''General''': Don't worry, GEICO gecko.
:''[Cut to the map]''
:'''Gerry''': ''[narrating]'' They covered the whole globe in no time: Mega Bloks, Kre-O, Best-Lock, CoCo, BanBao, Rokenbok, Super Blocks, and Leggo with two g's, which was especially insulting.
:''[Caption: Lego Headquarters, Denmark]''
:''[Zombies groaning]''
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' LEGO my baby, LEGO my honey, LEGO my ragtime gal...
:'''Son''': Daddy, are we safe?
:'''Gerry''': Of course we are, son. People are singing, aren't they? Ugh. That is the lowest form of music.
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' ...Honey, you'll lose me, then you'll be left alone...
:''[Zombies groaning loudly]''
:'''Gerry''': The terrible singing! They're attracted to the terrible singing! ''[the zombies start climbing over the walls. Gerry knocks out the quartet. Soldiers start shooting]'' Ohh! - Ow! Fire! Fire! They're too fast!-Ohh!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': ''[runs in with the syringe]'' Gerry, I've found a way to camouflage ourselves!
:'''Gerry''': That beats my solution. ''[acts out shooting zombies, and then acts out shooting himself]'' Pew pew! Pew pew! Pew!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': LEGOs are machined to a tolerance of 10 micrometers! That's why we're so expensive! But this serum will make us look cheaper and sloppier! ''[injects himself]'' Aah! ''[turns into a Playmobil figure]'' We look like them now!
:'''Gerry''': I'd rather die.
:'''Son''': ''[notices something]'' What?! They have Transformers?
:'''Gerry''': No, son! No!
:'''Son''': Aah! ''[Bumblebee rips him in half]''
:'''Gerry''': Nooooooo!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': You probably don't even want to go on living now.
:'''Gerry''': Huh? Oh, that was just a kid from my wife's first marriage. But that looked really painful. Hit me with the juice! ''[gets injected]'' Ugh! ''[the serum transforms him into...]'' No! You turned me into a ''[bleep]''ing DUPLO! It's the same company as LEGO, you fool! Aah! Aah! ''[Mrs. Lane and the Doctor run away whilst DUPLO Gerry gets his head ripped off]'' Guys, is this ending working? Let's re-shoot it.
:''[Zombies murmuring]''

===Catdog on a Stick [7.10]===
:'''Executive''': You sure you wanna do a movie, Tiger?
:'''Tiger''': I want to be beloved again, like before I had sex with all those waitresses from IHOP. Jordan did Space Jam. I want my Space Jam.
:'''Executive''': Well, studios aren't lining up to lend their characters to a Tiger Woods movie. Everyone aggressively passed except DiC, but I cannot recommend that.
:''[Cut to the title card for the Golf Jam movie]''
:'''Singers''': Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to Tiger on the golf course]''
:'''Tiger''': Time for a day of playing golf and being faithful to my girlfriend. ''[falls down a large hole]'' What? Whoooooooa!! ''[lands in DiC Land, surrounded by Heathcliff and other DiC characters]'' Ow!
:'''Heathcliff''': Welcome to DiC Land, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[getting up from his fall and waving hello]'' Why, hi, Garfield.
:'''Heathcliff''': I'm Heathcliff. I'm more romantic and have an accent. This is Cleo.
:'''Cleo''': We need your help, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to put my penis in you... ''[snaps back to attention, and looks at the camera]'' I mean, I love my girlfriend.
:'''Cleo''': We brought you here because the evil Dork Punks challenged us to a game of golf.
:'''Tiger''': ''[once again enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to hump your face... ''[flustered]'' I mean, help your face- ''[snaps out of it again]'' Help you, I will help you!
:''[The Dork Punks walk into the shot, as Tiger turns to look at them]''
:'''Dork Punk''': Let's tee off, DiC-heads!
:''[Tiger and Heathcliff look at each other and nod, and we cut to a golf-playing montage. Tiger (now wearing a cap with the DiC logo on it) hits a beautful shot as Heathcliff, Cleo, and a couple of other toons watch. LongArm uses his gauntlet to sink a putt, as Tiger chats up Princess Lana and receives a slap to the face from her. As Cleo prepares to sink her putt, Tiger walks up from behind and starts pretending to hump her. Ja-Kal prepares to take a shot as Armon looks on, but a piece of Armon's gauze is caught on Ja-Kal's club. As Ja-Kal swings, he and Armon both get tied up in Armon's gauze. Tiger is seen in one of the bunkers with Nefer-Tina sitting on top of him, as she unwraps the gauze from her upper body much to Tiger's delight. The montage ends as Tiger is getting ready to sink his final putt, with Cleo and Hammerman watching on]''
:'''Hammerman''': If you sink this putt, we win!
:'''Tiger''': Wish me luck, Bobby Brown.
:'''Hammerman''': Bobby Brown? I'm Hammerman! I'm M.C. Hammer, except not, and I have magic shoes. ''[shows off his magic dancing shoes]''
:'''Tiger''': ''[looks at Cleo]'' You know, I don't even know if I want to save you DiC's. You're just uninspired rehashes of good ideas. Seriously, how cheap is DiC? This is a movie, and you all look like you were drawn on a napkin.
:'''Cleo''': Win the game and I'll blow you.
:''[Upon hearing this, Tiger immediately sinks the putt and wins the game. As the DiC toons celebrate, Tiger unzips his pants and takes a terrified Cleo by the hand into the Pancake House for his well-earned blowjob]''
:'''Hammerman''': ''[rapping]'' Everybody tee off, get a club in your hands, charisma-free sex addict saving DiC Land! Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to black with the bold white text &quot;Golf Jam was rented once from Redbox. The copy was returned on time.&quot;]''

===Super Guitaro Center [7.11]===
:'''Shredder''': The &quot;Channel 6 News Masquerade Ball&quot; is the opportunity for me to kidnap April O'Neil. She's the perfect bait to catch the turtles. ''[surprised to see April's costume]'' Wow! Out of that bulky lesbian jumpsuit, she's hot as ''[bleep]''!
:'''April''': Care to dance, Mr. Potter?
:'''Shredder''': WHAT?! ''[cuts to Shredder dancing with April]'' And, what's your costume?
:'''April''': Belle from &quot;Beauty and The Beast&quot;, but a dick-slut.
:'''Shredder''': Is your favorite restaurant, Taco &quot;Belle&quot;?
:''[Both laugh]''
:'''April''': You are hilarious.
:'''Shredder''': On the count of 3, say your favorite band. 1, 2, 3!
:'''Shredder and April''': Toad the Wet Sprocket! ''[pause, they both kiss]''
:'''April''': ''[feels the blade, and gasped]'' Wait. Are you-
:'''Shredder''': In love? Yes. WHAT?! Bye! ''[leaves]''
:'''April''': ''[realizing]'' Shredder?
:''[Cut to Shredder with April outside her apartment after the party]''
:'''Shredder''': Think of something poetic, Oroku. ''[to April]'' But soft, you are total boner food!
:'''April''': Oh, Shredder. My heart doesn't take sides.
:'''Shredder''': People won't approve.
:'''April''': No one can keep us apart.
:''[They both kiss again. Then cuts to the sewer]''
:'''Raphael''': Aww, Hell to the No! ''[punches a brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''April''': We're soul mates! We both love Toad the Wet Sprocket.
:'''Michelangelo''': Toad the-What?! Is that a sex thing?! Have you guys had sex?!
:'''April''': No. Just dry humping, and ball play.
:'''Raphael''': Ball play?! ''[punches the same brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''Splinter''': You must stay away from Shredder, April. He is dangerous. Sleep here tonight. Donatello, grab the guest pillows.
:''[Donatello grabs pizza boxes which are the guest pillows, and puts them on the couch. Later while everyone's asleep, Shredder comes up from behind the couch to see April]''
:'''April''': ''[gasps]'' What are you doing here?
:'''Shredder''': I came to say &quot;Hi&quot;, ''[lays down next to her]'' and also have sex after the whole &quot;Hi&quot; thing.
:'''April''': It's like Six Flags Hurricane Harbor in my panties right now. ''[they both kiss again. Later, we see her and Shredder outside the manhole]'' Mmm, Mmm. You really Toadied my Wet Sprocket. When will I see you again?
:'''Shredder''': Soon, I hope. I should go before the turtles wake up. Plus, I have some major ExtenZe farts coming on. ''[farts]''
:''[Next morning while April was having her breakfast]''
:'''Donatello''': April, just go on one date with Casey. He's a good guy.
:'''April''': Casey is a jobless loser in sweats! ''[walks away]''
:'''Casey''': Good start to my morning.
:'''[Cut to April with the Rat King]''
:'''April''': So, I left. What should I do, Mr. Rat King? I belong with Shredder.
:'''Rat King''': I have an idea! And my idea involves you taking a lot of poison very quickly.
:'''April''': ''[pause, interested]'' Go on?
:''[Cut to April playing dead]''
:'''Shredder''': ''[shocked]'' It can't be! April?! NO!!!! WHY?!?! ''[accidentally hits April with his spikes]''
:'''April''': ''[wakes up in pain]'' Ow! Ow! Ow! What the ''[bleep]''?! Shredder!
:'''Shredder''': April! You're alive!
:'''April''': The poison only made me appear dead. Didn't you read &quot;Romeo and Juliet&quot;, you ''[bleep]''ing ass clown? ''[gags and dies]''
:'''Shredder''': NOOOOOOO!!!!!! ''[a few seconds of silence]'' Just gonna take my Toad the Wet Sprocket bootleg back. ''[takes his CD back, and leaves]''

===Noidstrom Rack [7.12]===
:'''Picard''': ''[dozing in the captain's chair on the bridge of the Enterprise]'' What's that Beverly? You want Wesley to watch? Hmm, make it so! ''[jerks awake]'' Oh, 2300 hours, time for the night crew to relieve us! ''[moves to leave the bridge, as Captain Jake enters]'' Captain.
:'''Captain Jake''': Capitan! ''[the Enterprise bridge crew file out, as their night crew replacements enter]'' Night crew, maintain course. ''[cut to the Enterprise moving through space]'' Space, the final frontier! These are the 11pm to 7am voyages of the Enterprise's night crew. Its continuing mission...is to PAR-TAY! ''[starts drinking from a beer can as the night crew cheer]''
:'''Night Crew''': Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! [A Borg cube appears on the view screen]
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Captain Jake, a Borg cube is hailing us.
:'''Captain Jake''': They probably want us to turn down our jams...Fat chance!
:'''Borg Drone''': Lower your shields, your culture will adapt to service us.
:'''Captain Jake''': You want us to service you?
:'''Borg Drone''': Affirmative. You will service the Borg, all night if needed! ''[Commander LaFreak sniggers. The Borg Drone looks unamused]'' Wait! Our hive mind has assimilated double entendres- real mature, guys! Prepare for assimilation! ''[the Borg cube begins to shoot at the Enterprise with its lasers]''
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Our shields won't last long, sir! Should we wake up the bald guy?
:'''Captain Jake''': ''[opens another can of beer]'' No way, Commander LaFreak! We'll beat the Borg like we beat that frat on Gallos 7!
:'''Commander LaFreak''': We'll sell naked photos of their girlfriends at a pie-eating contest?
:'''Captain Jake''': What?! No! Like any frat, the Borg share a hive mind, man. If we get one Borg to party, all Borg will party! Night crew, prepare to rock out with our Spocks out! ''[the night crew beam across to the Borg cube]'' Anybody order a partygram? ''[the night crew start playing music and drinking with the Borg drones in the cube. He pulls out a bottle of champagne to a female Borg drone]'' Wet t-shirt contest! ''[opens the champagne bottle on the female drone, who doesn't react even when he douses her chest]'' Oh right, no shirt...you want mine? ''[removes his Captain's jumper, just as the Borg drone he talked to advances on him]'' Whoa, chill out, dude! Wait, is she your daughter?
:'''Borg Drone''': Enough! Partying is futile! ''[jabs Captain Jake with its injection tubes, only to recoil. Captain Jake grins]'' Your blood, so full of beer! Your party, so hearty! ''[grabs a cup of beer from a Klingon night crew member and chugs it]'' Woo-hoooo! ''[the rest of the Borg join the drone and the night crew in partying]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Now this, I can assimilate! ''[he and the drone hug]''
:''[Cut to the Borg cube drawing a giant cock on a planet with its lasers. Cut to an awards ceremony on the bridge of the Enterprise]''
:'''Starfleet Admiral''': Captain Jake, Starfleet thanks you for defeating the Borg. ''[hangs a medal around Captain Jake's neck]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Bitchin'!
:'''Picard''': ''[fuming]'' NIGHT CREEEEEEWWWWW! ''[everyone looks round nervously, until he grins]'' Beer me! ''[the night crew cheer and Jake tosses Picard a can]'' You glorious sons of bitches!

===Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13]===
:''[The Disney Princess Castle is shown]''
:'''Snow White''': ''[from inside]'' Welcome to the Princess Summit, ''[cut to inside]'' where we address the complex political issues facing our kingdoms.
:'''Rapunzel''': Hairstyles.
:'''Cinderella''': Talking pets.
:'''Tiana''': Hairstyles for our talking pets.
:'''Ariel''': Crabs. ''[everyone looks at her in disgust]'' I've got crabs.
:'''Snow White''': Well, isn't that just, um...and where is our newest princess?
:'''Merida''': ''[enters, carrying a dead boar dripping with blood]'' Ach! Sorry I'm late. I killed a boar on the way here.
:'''Aurora''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, you're so feminist and empowered. Great.
:'''Merida''': ''[laying boar on the table and gutting it]'' 'Ey, wee beastie! Have we got to grievances yet? A bunch of wee dwarves are illegally mining me territory.
:'''Snow White''': Oh, Merida, you have far bigger problems. Let me tell you about them.
:'''Merida''': Not a damn song.
:'''Snow White''': ''[singing]'' Here's a list of things to drop;
:Your accent, bow, that tangled mop.
:Fifteen pounds from off your hips
:Those ginger afros 'neath your pits
:And no prince will want to mingle
:With a girl with no hit single.
:''[Cinderella, Aurora, and Ariel hold up gold records]''
:'''Cinderella''': ''[spoken]'' And your pet's hair is a disaster.
:'''Merida''': That's me mother! She's a bear! The trailer was very misleading! ''[holds the knife to Snow White's neck''] I came here looking for justice; instead, I found treachery. Prepare yourself for war. ''[Leaves]''
:'''Mulan''': ''[following Merida]'' Someone finally said it! See you on the killing field, round-eyes. ''[leaves]''
:'''Belle''': Amen, sister. ''[leaves]''
:'''Tiana''': Stuck-up bitches!
:''[Rapunzel follows. The remaining princesses look on. We transition to the next scene where Snow White is preparing her army for war against Merida's army]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, that Merida! I'll show her. ''[out the window]'' Send in my war counsel. ''[a cute Disney-esque bird flies up to the windowsill]'' What shall I do, little one?
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Core that bitch like an apple.
:'''Snow White''': Oh my.
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Weave a tapestry of their intestines.
:'''Snow White''': Okay, okay, I get it, I get it. We need weapons.
:'''Cinderella''': I've got a guy.
:''[The Fairy Godmother appears]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, good idea. We'll fight them with magic.
:'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[laying bag of assault weapons on table]'' Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo, that's twenty grand.
:'''Princesses''': Ooh, wow!
:'''Ariel''': Do you need thingamabobs? I've got thingamabobs.
:'''Jasmine''': Nobody cares about the dildo collection you dredged up from the Atlantic, you fishy bitch. ''[Ariel runs away crying]'' Anyone else have cold tits?
:''[We cut to Merida's training grounds]''
:'''Merida''': All right, ladies. Show me what you've got.
:'''Rapunzel''': ''[whips the practice dummy with her hair, dismembering it, then strangling it]'' I finally found the perfect conditioner— ''[pops the dummy's head off]'' blood!
:'''Louis''': ''[shooting arrows and missed the target]'' Oh, curse these stubby arms.
:'''Merida''': You're an alligator. Be an alligator!
:''[Louis turns to Mushu, who is standing beside him]''
:'''Mushu''': Oh, wait! Don't...!
:'''Louis''': ''[eats Mushu]'' Oh! I'm so sorry!
:'''Mulan''': No, no, it was...it was a good kill.
:''[Cut to Snow White's army, ready for their coming battle]''
:'''Snow White''': Not all of us will live to wish upon a star tonight, but we give our lives for a greater good.
:'''Aurora''': ''[yawning]'' Oh dear, I think I'm getting sleepy. I might have to sit this one out, guys.
:'''Snow White''': Don't you pull that shit now!
:'''Aurora''': Just teasing.
:''[An arrow fired by an off-screen Merida strikes Aurora in the throat, killing her instantly]''
:'''Merida''': ''[with her army at the top of a hill]'' Bring me the scalp and/or weave of Snow White! Charge!
:''[The armies charge at each other]''
:'''Jasmine''': I will show you a world of death!
:''[They meet in the middle, where Ariel, now a mermaid, has brought an atomic bomb]''
:'''Ariel''': Look, everyone! I brought my thingamabob! My weapons-grade thingamabob!
:'''Cinderella''': Oh, you just don't know what words are. That's your thing.
:''[The bomb starts beeping, indicating its imminent detonation]''
:'''Princesses''': ''[realizing]'' Ahh! Run away! Run away! ''[running away from the bomb]''
:'''Sebastian''': ''[pops up from behind the bomb, singing]'' Bend over and grab your ankles!
:''[The bomb explodes, completely obscuring the scene with smoke and ash, until it dissipates, revealing that the explosion has eradicated almost everything, leaving nothing but a barren wasteland]''
:'''Merida''': ''[wounded, trudges by]'' Me mother's a bear.
:''[Tinkerbell arrives, then shoots her in the head with a gun, winks, and leaves]''

===Walking Dead Lobster [7.14]===
:''[We start on a gradient aquamarine-blue background, where the Gullah Gullah Island logo rolls in]''
:'''Announcer''': And now, back to Gullah Gullah Island!
:''[We cut to Ron and Natalie's house, where everyone plays Leapfrog with. Two policemen, one blonde and the other with brown hair, arriving at the front door]''
:'''Ron''': ''[jumps over Shaina and Binyah-Binyah]'' This sure is fun, Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': Binyah-Binyah! Have fun, too!
:''[The policemen knock on the door]''
:'''Ron''': I'll get it. ''[opens the door to show the policemen]''
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Hello, sir. We've investigated a tip. A criminal might be in the area; he's robbed a bank and shot three policemen.
:'''Ron''': Oh, no! Well, there's nobody here but me, my wife, our three children, and our man-sized pet polliwog.
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Yeah-no, no, no, that's a man in a frog suit.
:'''Natalie''': ''[incredulous]'' What?! No, he's just a giant polliwog we rescued.
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Where did you find him?
:'''Vanessa''': Oh, behind an amphibious animal costume shop!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': I'm gonna need him out of that frog suit by the count of three. ''[pulls out a pistol]'' One...
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': ''[raises both arms in the air as the Alstons stare in shock]'' Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Two...
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': ''[scared, waving arms]'' Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Three!
:'''Frogman''': ''[screams and strips out of costume, making the Alstons cover their eyes from seeing his nude lesion-covered body]'' No! Don't shoot!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': ''[still points pistol with other officer]'' Down on the ground, Frogman!
:'''Natalie''': ''[disgusted]'' What's on his skin?!
:'''Frogman''': Sores, you dumbass! From wearing that polliwog costume for four months straight! ''[is handcuffed by the blonde policeman and pulled out of the house]'' Binyah-Binyah! Binyah-Binyah!
:''[The brown-haired policeman clubs Frogman on the back of his head to knock him out, ending the sketch''

===Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15]===
:'''Peter Pan''': Fly with me, to Neverland! ''[flies out of the window with the Darling children]''
:'''Mary Darling''': ''[arrives with her husband too late]'' Children, no!
:''[Scene cuts to Neverland]''
:'''Peter Pan''': These are the Lost Boys. They're not vampires. ''[phone rings from inside a tree; curiously]'' We have a phone? ''[picks up the receiver]'' Hello?
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[on the phone]'' I don't know who you are. ''[cut to him with George and Mary]'' I don't know what you want. I don't know why you dress like...
:'''Mary Darling''': A gay Robin Hood.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Like a gay Robin Hood. I have a very particular set of skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. By which I guess I mean, flying gay Robin Hoods.
:''[Cut to Peter]''
:'''Peter Pan''': Good luck finding Neverland, grandpa. ''[hangs up and leaves]''
:''[Cut back to Bryan, George, and Mary]''
:'''George Darling''': Oh, what's he saying?
:'''Bryan Mills''': He's saying, &quot;Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...&quot;
:'''Mary Darling''': That's the dial tone.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Dial tone? ''[hangs up]'' Well, this is a very old phone. ''[to George and Mary]'' He's holding your children in what I presume is an underground sex club called Neverland.
:'''George Darling''': Oh thank goodness, you do security work for bankers like myself, Mr. Mills, but how will you reach the children? They were flying!
:'''Mary Darling''': I think I heard them say something about thinking happy thoughts.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Happy thoughts, eh? ''[imagining himself in the thought bubble, grabbing Peter Pan and throwing him on a step]''
:'''Peter Pan''': No! No! Please!
:''[Bryan crushes Peter's head destroying his face, the thought bubble vanishes]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': Whoo hoo, off I go! ''[flies through the roof]''
:''[Scene cuts to Neverland, Bryan kills the Lost Boys, except Slightly, who turns around and sees the other Lost Boys dead covered in blood]''
:'''Slightly''': ''[farts]'' I just pooped in my tail!
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[holding Slightly at knifepoint]'' Where are the children?!
:''[Slightly farts again before we cut to Wendy and the mermaids]''
:'''Wendy''': I've never meet real live mermaids before.
:'''Mermaid''': ''[laughs]'' That's so fun! Lets drown this bitch! ''[grabs Wendy by her arms]''
:'''Wendy''': No, please, no! ''[opens her eyes to see the mermaids dead]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[wearing the seashell bra]'' Wendy, where are your brothers?
:'''Wendy''': There! On the pirate ship!
:''[Cut to the Pirate ship where John and Michael are cornered by Captain Hook]''
:'''Captain Hook''': Time for these little chickadees to walk the plank! ''[laughs]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[near the dead pirates]'' Tick-tock, time's up! ''[kicks Captain Hook, who falls while screaming into the crocodile's mouth]'' I'm taking you home, children.
:'''Peter Pan''': ''[arrives with Tinkerbell]'' Not so fast, you old codfish! ''[Tinkerbell flies up to Bryan taunting him, Bryan uses his shoe to squash her]'' Tink! Oh, good luck getting home without her fairy dust, asshole!
:'''Bryan Mills''': Why would I want to leave when my happy thoughts are about to come true?
:'''Peter Pan''': Your what? ''[Bryan grabs him and throws him to a step]'' Oh! No! NO! ''[Bryan crashes his head with his foot before his shadow comes out]''
:'''Wendy''': Okay, but seriously man, how the ''[bleep]'' are we getting home?!
:'''Bryan Mills''': Hang on. ''[grabs Peter's shadow and throws it on the same step]''
:'''Peter's shadow''': No, no, wait! ''[screams as Bryan crushes its head in black blood with his foot]''

===Bitch Pudding Special [7.16]===
:''[Part 1 starts, as a funeral for Granny Graham Crackers is taking place at the Strawberryland Church; Raspberry Parfait is speaking at the podium]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Even on cloudy days, Pastryville always had a ray of sunshine. And her name was Granny Graham Crackers. Remember when she knit your favorite scarf, Black Cherry Pie?
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': ''[caressing her scarf fondly]'' I wear it everyday, Raspberry Parfait.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': And Fudge Turnover, remember when she fixed you leaky roof?
:'''Fudge Turnover''': She got heat-stroke and fell into the hedges.
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': ''[indignant]'' While you watched Tango and Cash on Netflix!
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Yes! While I watched Tango and Cash on Netflix.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': And Buttermilk Biscuits, I remember when Granny drove all the way to the big city to get-
:'''Buttermilk Biscuits''': ''[gesturing towards her neck]'' No. Nope. Mnh-mnh.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Your...tonsils out?
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Yeah, your unborn tonsils.
:''[Black Cherry Pie scowls at him]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': ''[clears her throat]'' Now then if there are no more speakers? ''[no one says a word, to her relief]'' Great! Then, in conclusion- ''[But Bitch Pudding opens the door just then. Everyone is shocked. Bitch Pudding walks up to the podium, lightly shoving her out of the way]'' W-We were just wrapping up here, Bitch Pudding.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[grabs the microphone and begin to speak in her calm southern accent]'' I remember Granny. ''[the audience is still dumbfounded]'' I remember her smile. ''[the audience looks relieved]'' I remember how much she loved baking sugar cookies. ''[wipes a tear from her eye]''
:'''All''': ''[react happily]'' Ahh!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': But most of all, I remember... ''[giving a angry rant]'' her rank-ass old-lady farts.
:''[Everyone gasps in shock]''
:''[Raspberry Parfait'': ''[facepalming]'' Oh, God.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': This bitch had no sense of smell, no sense of hearing, so all day long, she was like &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbhhhhhht!&quot;
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Okay. ''[chuckles]'' That's enough-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[pushes Raspberry Parfait and continues]'' And when you're a hundred years old, I guess panties are just an afterthought. I mean, raise your hand if you never saw Granny airing out the Ark of the Covenant! ''[while she’s talking, Raspberry Parfait does the hand signal to turn the camera off, but she then mouths &quot;What the?&quot; Everyone gasps and groans]'' I hope Granny is in heaven, but she had a gambling addiction, so Satan might be doing her up the butt. ''[Everyone gasps again]'' Knock twice if Satan's doing you up the butt, Granny. ''[in Granny's voice]'' I love it up the butt from Satan, everybody! ''[in Satan's voice]'' You rule, Granny! Ha ha! ''[begins humping the coffin; the others gasp and groan in shock once more]'' Now hit my ''[bleep]''ing theme song!
:''[Music plays in the style of “The Trooper” by Iron Maiden, as Bitch Pudding walks down the aisles where she steals an audience member's apple and takes a single bite before giving it to German Chocolate Cake and out of the church, where she closes the doors as the title for the special appears. Everyone starts murmuring]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Now, then-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[bursts into the church again, briefly]'' Da-da-da-da! Bitch Puddin'. Blam! ''[runs off; later that night, she is playing a shooter video game, where she is taking out several in-game enemies]'' Yeah! Suck it.
:''[Bitch Pudding's game avatar approaches a villager character]''
:'''Villager''': You have saved my village!
:''[Bitch Pudding's game avatar shoots the villager dead]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': You mean &quot;my&quot; village! ''[a rumble of thunder is heard as Bitch Pudding's house experiences a power outage and the TV screen dies]'' Aw!
:''[As more rumbles of thunder are heard, a mysterious hooded figure appears behind an unsuspecting Bitch Pudding, revealed by the illumination of lightning outside. The figure is seen first holding a knife, then an axe, then a pistol, and then finally a baseball bat, which the figure uses to club Bitch Pudding in the head-she grunts and falls unconscious. A few hours later]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Augh. Where?
:'''The Mailbird''': Oh, sounds like my cargo just woke up!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hey! You're that damn bird that delivers our mail.
:'''The Mailbird''': You bet your feathers. But tonight, I'm gettin' paid to make a special delivery. ''[Bitch Pudding sees the volcano nearby]'' Neither rain nor sleet nor snow will keep your ass out of that volcano. Adios, Bitch Pudding. ''[Bitch Pudding, however, is trying to escape from him]'' Glurk! Ooh! Aah!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': You flying turd! Who hired you?
:'''The Mailbird''': You kill me, we both die.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Good point, jazz cloth. But, on the other hand. ''[picks out 2 feathers, and stab him in his eyes]''
:'''The Mailbird''': ''[going blind]'' Ow! ''[falls to his death in the volcano]'' Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[falls onto the rocks and rolls down in pain]'' Ohhhhhhhh!!! ''[Bleeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Ow! Ow! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Ow! Oh! Ow! Oh! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeeeeeeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Oh, ''[bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Mother''[bleep]''ing mother''[bleep]'' er! Ow! Ow! ''[Bleep]'' me! Oh, God! ''[Bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''! ''[hits the tree]'' Ow! ''[Bleep]''! Ohhh! ''[BLEEEEEEEP]''!!!!! ''[falls unconscious again]''
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding opens her eyes to see the Schlorps]''
:'''Schlorp 1''': Who is she?
:'''Schlorp 2''': Grandpappy will know.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Please, stop talking. Your voice is irritating as ''[bleep]''!
:'''Schlorp 2''': How rude!
:'''Schlorp 3''': Well, she's not wrong.
:'''Schlorp 4''': Who is that?
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Welcome to Schlorptown, stranger! We are the Schlorps. And my name is Grandpappy Schlorp.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Are you in charge of this sh*thole?
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': You see anyone else with a beard around here?
:'''Schlorp 2''': We should Schlorp the &quot;Get to know you&quot; song!
:''[Everyone laughs and the peppy music plays]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed]'' No.
:'''Schlorps''': ''[singing]'' ♪If you get to know me,♪
:♪Then I'll get to know you!♪
:♪Once you're in the group,♪
:♪You're a friend through-and-through!♪
:'''Fishing Pole Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Fishing Pole Schlorp and I catch all the fish!♪
:'''Basketball Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Basketball Schlorp watch this!♪
:'''Schlorps''': Swish!
:'''I.B.S. Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm I.B.S. Schlorp!♪
:♪You'll find me on the stalls♪
:'''Wintertime Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Wintertime Schlorp♪
:♪I'm sweating off my balls?
:'''Chinese Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm a Schlorp who come from China.♪
:'''Miss Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Miss Schlorp with a vagina!♪
:'''Kazoo Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm a Schlorp who plays kazoo♪
:'''Kung Fu Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm a Schlorp who wants Kung Fu!♪ ''[accidentally karate chops the Kazoo Schlorp]'' So sorry!
:'''Schlorps''': ''[singing]'' ♪So how about the stranger?♪
:♪Tell us all about you!♪
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[grabs Banjo Schlorp's banjo to play it, but swears]'' ♪Shut the ''[bleep]'' u-u-up!!!♪
:''[Discordant note plays. She breaks the banjo and a fishing pole, while kicking a basketball far away. Afterwards, she gets angry to make the Schlorps feel shockingly bad]''
:'''I.B.S. Schlorp''': ''[his stomach growls]'' Oh, god! I'm not gonna make it. I'm not gonna make it. I'm not gonna make it. ''[craps himself]'' Aw. I didn't make it.
:''[Meanwhile, Grandpappy Schlorp tries to create a cast to Bitch Pudding's broken arm]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Ow, you old bastard!
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': There you go. Good as new. Ah, Schlorpette. Is that the Schlorp nut soup for our guest?
:'''Schlorpette''': Yes, but this is the last of our Schlorp nuts. They're all gone.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Aww. The last of the Schlorp nuts. And with winter on its way.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[sips the Schlorp nut soup, but spits it out]'' This tastes like moose dick! ''[smashes the bowl onto the floor]'' I got to go home! ''[heads towards the door]'' Some asshole tried to kill me, so that asshole's gonna get my boot up his asshole.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': With the Schlorp nuts gone, our village faces starvation. You see, the nuts were stolen by the evil squirrel wizard on one tree hill.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Phhhhhhht!
:'''Schlorpette''': It was called that before the show.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': This squirrel sounds like a pissy.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Then perhaps we can make a deal. Bring our nuts home and we help get your butt home.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Uuuuuuuugh! ''[later, she knocks on the door]''
:'''Trevor''': ''[arrives]'' Who dares disturb the sa-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blam! ''[attacking Trevor to death]'' Haungh, haungh, hungh! Lick my taco, Squirrel Wizard. Give those dicks their nuts back!
:'''Schlorpette''': Bitch Pudding! That's not the Squirrel Wizard!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Huh? Who the hell is it?
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': ''[arrives to see Trevor dead]'' Trevor? Trevor?! Oh, my god! Trevor!
:'''Schlorpette''': His life partner.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[shocked]'' Yuh-oh. ''[runs off]''
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': ''[in anger]'' Rrrrrrrrrrah! ''[using his magic wand to shoot at Schlorpette]''
:'''Schlorpette''': Aaaaaah! ''[vanishes]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[running away from the Squirrel Wizard]'' Squirrel alert! Squirrel alert!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': ''[arrives]'' Rrrrrrrrrgh!
:'''Schlorps''': Ohh!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': ''[starts attacking the Schlorps with his magic wand]'' Suck on this! Suck on this! Suck on this!
:'''Schlorp 2''': ''[his bottom half kicks him]'' Ow! Ooh! Ow!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Can't stay. Gotta go. Blam. ''[leaves]''
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Stay and fight, coward!
:'''Schlorp 1''': ''[getting shot]'' Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! ''[explodes]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Whew. Safe. ''[witnessing the Squirrel Wizard using magic spells to murder the Schlorps]'' Oh, ''[bleep]''! They're getting massacred! Who cares about those purple peckers? They never should have trusted me. Or...Or helped me?
:'''Narrator''': And at that moment, Bitch Pudding's heart grew three sizes bigger. Uh, metaphorically. You know, you'll just have to take my word for it.
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Die, you miserable Schlorps! And when you meet God, slap that mother''[bleep]''er in the face, because existence is nothing but his cruel joke on all of us!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Sorry, spunk-sponge! The Schlorps are under my protection! ''[a mutilated Schlorp coughs up blood and dies]'' Uh, starting now! ''[starts to fight against the Squirrel Wizard]''
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Ooh!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blick! ''[still fighting with him]'' Oh!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Suck it!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Oh! Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam! Blaaaam!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Aaah! For Trevor! Punch! Punch!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blam! Blam! Ba-ba-ba-blam! ''[knocks the Squirrel Wizard to the ground]''
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Ugh! Trevor! My fuzzy little angel! ''[Bitch Pudding takes his magic wand]'' Just do it! End me! Use any death spell you choose! Just say the magic words and end my pain!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Abracadabra. ''[stabs the Squirrel Wizard through the head with his wand, finally killing him]'' Eat ''[bleep]''.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': ''[walks into frame, horrified by this scene]'' My Schlorps, gone. All gone.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': As your champion, a eulogy is probably in order. ''[clears throat; Grandpappy Schlorp gives a nod to another Schlorp]'' What can be said- ''[is knocked out by a Schlorp with a baseball bat from behind]'' Ow! ''[a few hours later, she wakes up and finds out she is in a biplane]'' Huh? Where? What?
:'''Pilot Schlorp''': On behalf of &quot;''[Bleep]'' You Airlines,&quot; go ''[bleep]'' yourself.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[falls]'' Aaaaaaaaagh! Oooooh! Unh! Unh! Unh! ''[lands]'' I-I I'm home. ''[suddenly spots a carnival in Pastryville celebrating her supposed death]'' What the ''[bleep]''?
:'''Pastryville Citizen 1''': Toss Bitch Pudding in the volcano and win a prize!
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Volcano-fried Bitch Pudding on a stick!
:'''Buttermilk Biscuits''': I hate you, Bitch Puddin'!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[turns around to see a mural of her being dropped into the volcano by the mail-delivery bird]'' They were all in on it! The whole town tried to kill me?!
:''[Cut to the church, where the Pastryville citizens sing a hymn with a tune of &quot;It Came Upon a Midnight Clear&quot;]''
:'''Pastryville Citizens''': ''[singing]'' ♪She made our lives a living hell♪
:♪So nasty and so mean♪
:♪And when Bitch Pudding hit the lava♪
:♪You should have heard her scream♪
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': The first annual &quot;Bitch Pudding Is Dead&quot; Festival has been a rousing success! For generations to come, we will- ''[sniffs]'' Hey, guys, do you smell smoke?
:''[Everyone finds that the church is on fire, they all scream]''
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Oh, ''[bleep]''! The door won't open! ''[a Pastryville citizen runs by on fire, screaming. The others attempt to break the church door down]'' All together, now!
:'''Everyone''': One! Two! Three! Oh! Oh!
:''[Upon bursting out, they find Bitch Pudding, alive and well, and holding a minigun in front of them]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blam. ''[as revenge, she guns down every last citizen. A bloodied, mortally wounded Raspberry Parfait grabs onto Bitch Pudding with her last dying ounces of strength]'' Remember when I said I'd shoot you last?
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': I have absolutely no memory of that.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Must have been a fantasy I had when I was masturbating!
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': ''[Bleep]'' you, Bitch Pudding... ''[falls over and dies; Bitch Pudding surveys the dead bodies as heavy metal music plays]''
:''[One day later, Bitch Pudding is seen leaving Pastryville]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': So that's my story. I probably should have done a voiceover through the whole thing, but I didn't feel like it. Now, the only question is what does the future hold?
:''[A car arrives, driven by Nick Fury of the Avengers]''
:'''Nick Fury''': Bitch Pudding. You have become a part of a larger Universe.
:''[Credits; when it ends, Bitch Pudding is seen having stolen Nick Fury's car, driving away]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Da-da-da-da! Blam!
:'''Nick Fury''': ''[left behind]'' What a bitch.

===Batman Forever 21 [7.17]===
:''[Nana is sitting alone, tied to her doghouse at the doorstep of the Darling house]''
:'''Peter Pan''': Off to Neverland!
:'''Michael''': Come on, Nana. ''[grabs Tinker Bell and sprinkles pixie dust all over Nana]''
:''[Nana starts to rise, but gets tangled in the rope and dies]''
:'''Peter Pan and the Children''': ''[in the distance]'' YAAAY!

===The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's [7.18]===
:'''Bionic-1''': Family, after nearly killing you on a ski trip to the Himalayas, I saved our lives by giving each of you bionic implants. Let's use these cool, new powers as the Bionic Six!
:''[The children cheer]''
:'''Mother-1''': Uh, hun, maybe we should be thankful we're alive and not...
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC SIX!
:'''IQ''': Open wide!
:'''Rock-1''': You just got eighty-Bionic-Sixed!
:'''Sports-1''': ''[bat cracking]'' Dad, turns out hitting homers isn't a superpower-AAH! ''[gets riddled with bullets]''
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC FIVE!
:'''Mother-1''': Eric?!
:'''Bionic-1''': Uh, his codename is Sports-1.
:'''Mother-1''': He was our son, and now he's dead! You asshole! We're getting a divorce.
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC FOUR!
:'''Karate-1''': WAA- ''[also gets riddled with bullets]''
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC THREE!
:'''IQ''': You killed my brother! ''[crushes Rock-1]''
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC TWO!
:'''IQ''': ''[crying]'' We never had any training... ''[crushes himself]''
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC ONE!
:'''BIONIC-1''': Only now do I see that bionics solve nothing...GUH! ''[gets riddled with bullets]''
:'''Announcer''': I AM OUT OF WORK!

===Chipotle Miserables [7.19]===
:'''Announcer''': From the makers of &quot;Les Misérables&quot;, comes another story about a prisoner in need of redemption.
:''[Hamburglar enters a courtroom, with Ronald McDonald as the judge]''
:'''Hamburglar''': ♫ Have mercy, my lord. I'm not a man of violence. I stole Big Mac's to feed my fami- ♫
:'''Ronald McDonald''': SILENCE! ♫ From this day on to bring you shame, Your crime, Hamburglar, shall be your name! ♫
:'''Hamburglar''': NOOOOOO!
:'''Ronald McDonald''': ♫ Yes, that's your name. There's no way to escape this. And you're French Fry Killer and you're the Nugget Rapist. ♫
:''[Cuts to Birdie inside of a McDonald's kitchen with Ronald McDonald]''
:'''Announcer''': A poultry in need of hope.
:'''McDonald's Employees''': ♫ By the time the day ends, this one will do nicely. Cause, a bird on the grill, is worth two in the hat. ♫
:'''Birdie''': ♫ You're supposed to be a friend, to all in McDonaldland. ♫
:'''Ronald McDonald''': ♫ You're a food that I serve fried, to billions worldwide. So, you kind of should've seen this coming. ♫
:'''McDonald's Employees''': ♫ By the time the day ends. ♫ ''[carry her out]''
:'''Birdie''': NOOOOO!
:''[Cuts to Birdie in a McDonald's kitchen, all her feathers plucked]''
:'''Announcer''': Every performance, riveting.
:'''Birdie''': ♫ I had a dream that I would be, more than a nugget made for dipping. ♫
:''[Cuts to Hamburglar, with Birdie's egg]''
:'''Hamburglar''': ♫ I promise I will save your child, and keep her here among the living. ♫
:'''Birdie''': ♫ There's so much hope in my hear- ♫
:''[A McDonald's Employee decapitates Birdie with a meat cleaver]''
:'''Hamburglar''': Oh, GOD!
:''[A McDonald's Employee throws Birdie's body in a pot of boiling oil]''
:'''Announcer''': Every line of dialogue sung.
:'''Hamburglar''': Now, who will rise?! ''[crowd mumbles; coughs]'' I mean. &quot;♫ Who will rise?! ♫&quot;
:''[The crowd cheers and engages in a war against the McDonald's Employees. A McDonald's Employee drinks Happy Meal Drink]''
:'''Happy Meal Drink''': No! Please stop sucking!
:''[A McDonald's Employee bites Mayor McCheese]''
:'''Mayor McCheese''': No! No! No! No! No! Aaaaahhhhhh!
:'''Hamburglar''': ''[stabs a McDonald's Employee, and holds up a McDonald's flag]'' Robble Robble!
:'''Announcer''': Les Misérobble Robble.
:''[The words &quot;Les Misérobble Robble&quot; appear along with Hamburglar]''

===The Robot Chicken Lots of Holidays But Don't Worry Christmas is Still In There Too so Pull the Stick Out of Your Ass Fox News Special [7.20]===
:And now back to &quot;The Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'hoole&quot; Christmas special.
Who? Who?
[Wings flapping]
Who is watching this program?
[sighs] Man, Christmas gets all the animated specials. I wish someone would do one for the other holidays. That would be so cool. [inhales, yawns] So... cool. [warble!] [groans] Huh?! Aaaaah! Aah! Aah! - He's a maniac! Help! - Both: Huh? Oh! What?! [Panting, crying] Whoops! Unh! What? Oh, boy. [funky, mid-tempo music plays] Ow! Your feet! Yeeow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh, my god! [sneezes] Uh...hey! Ow! Yeow! Yeow! Uh, that's okay. No, thank you. No, no, no. [Chatters] What the [bleep] Unh! Unh! Oh, yeah! I think I love you. Here goes. My New Year's resolution is - to quit drinking! - ... ... ... - Happy New Year! - All: Yay! [Twinkle!] Whoa! You're baby New Year! Did you come here to help me ring in ? No, Jim. I came to talk to you about the promise you made. Remember ... to give up drinking? But I made that resolution seconds ago. It's binding. Hyah! [Screaming] ♪ Baby New Year, resolution enforcer ♪ The Chipmunks' Christmas album went double-mahogany on the charts. So we decided to release a holiday album for - the other holidays. - # Theodore # Take a listen. [mid-tempo music plays] All: # St. Patrick's day is finally here # ♪ time to drink our weight in beer ♪ ♪ sipping green ale from a can ♪ ♪ I think I blew a homeless man ♪ And what's sure to be a halloween classic. All: # hello, people, trick or treat # ♪ I hope you give us something sweet ♪ ♪ give us candy, that's the plan ♪ ♪ I think I blew a homeless man ♪ Uh, Theodore, I think you're repeating the lyric - from St. Patrick's day. - Nope. I blew a homeless man on Halloween also. I was high on candy. - Okay! Well, there's ... - And PCP. There's also a great song for Thanksgiving! All: # hooray, it's finally turkey day # ♪ we'll drink and laugh our cares away ♪ ♪ eat pies of pumpkin and pecan ♪ I probably didn't blow a homeless man...? Theodore, this is a safe place. ♪ Okay, I definitely blew a homeless man ♪ [bells jingle] # He sees you when you're healthy # ♪ he knows when you feel sick ♪ [coughs] # he knows if you've been naughty or nice # ♪ that's right, Santa can't be tricked ♪ All right, let's go over my naughty-and-nice list for this year. Well, Billy Marchetti in Rochester stole a candy bar. Looks like someone is now on my naughty list. But he did it because his family's on welfare and his mom traded all the food stamps for heroin. Oh. Um... Hmm. That's a tough one. ♪ He watches when you're home ♪ ♪ he knows when you're away ♪ ♪ he's also starting to realize ♪ ♪ that life is morally gray ♪ Regina from Nome, Alaska, got an &quot;A&quot; on her math quiz. Well, that's cut-and-dried ... a gift for Regina. - But only because she cheated. - Okay, coal for Regina. Bu-u-u-u-u-u-t... she only cheated on the test because she can't read the blackboard due to the fact - she's dyslexic. - Aghhh! ♪ He's having an existential crisis ♪ ♪ that smug look's wiped off of his face ♪ Guys. Guys, stop. Stop singing. All right? Just ... just stop. I have a lot of things to think about. [wind whistling] Help yourself to some cookies, Sherry. I made them for the whole office. I told myself I wouldn't. But hey, yolo. Unh! ♪ Baby New Year, resolution enforcer ♪ Mother, are you watching over me, like Simba's dad did for him? [echoing] Here I am, Bambi. Oh, wow! Mom! D-Do you have any sage - advice for me? - Yes, my son. The rampant deer population is a real problem. - You have to k*ll yourself. - I-I thought you were gonna tell me, like, I was the one true king or something. No. You're a deer. Deer are meaningless! Meaningless... meaningless. Oh, I wish I had known her, father. - Yes, she was quite wonderful. - Tell me ... what was she like? Unh! Unh! Unh! Yeah! [dolphin squeals] Oh, she was enthusiastic, the most beautiful one in her pod. Oh, that's ... Wait ... pod? What pod? [yiddish accent] Nemo, put on your yarmulke - for your mother. - I don't want to! We're fish! - This is stupid! - Put on your yarmulke, Nemo! I'm tired of your shit! Sh'ma. Fishrael fish adonai... Happy Mother's day from all of us in the Disney family - who've lost our mothers. - Mickey, do you miss - your mama, too? - Ha! No! She ate all my brothers and sisters. Mice are monsters. [lisping] Oh, no. It's Valentine's day, and I have too many dates. Happy Hanukkah, Joshua. Here. I got you lots of Hanukkah gelt. [hip-hop music plays] [rapping] # I got so much Hanukkah gelt # ♪ yo, this musta been how Rockefeller felt ♪ ♪ chocolate money, it ain't even funny ♪ ♪ keep my wallet in the freezer so that shit don't melt ♪ ♪ I walk into the club, and I make it rain ♪ ♪ and now your booty all covered in a chocolate stain ♪ ♪ gelt in my socks, gelt in the banks ♪ ♪ I give gelt to my homies, and they say... ♪ - Together: Thanks! - # I give gelt to the Germans, - and they say... # - Together: Danke! ♪ I got more chocolate than Willy Wonka ♪ ♪ so much gelt, it'll make you sick ♪ ♪ I got more hot cocoa than Ice-T's [bleep] ♪ ♪ so much chocolate, make ya pop ya belt ♪ ♪ ya understand me, mother [bleep] ♪ - # I got so much gelt # - [gasps] Hey! This money's made of chocolate. You owe us grand. Oy gevalt! Happy Memorial day, my smurfs! This is the day on which we honor all the fallen smurfs of smurfs past. Myspace smurf. [bell tolls] Payphone smurf. [bell tolls] Ohhh, &quot;Talk to the hand&quot; smurf. [bell tolls] Michael Dukakis smurf. [bell tolls] I'm sensing a trend here. All of these smurfs were - kind of outdated. - Yes, it is a sad thing when a smurf outlives his usefulness. I mean, dies. Well, did these smurfs die of natural causes? Well, let me think. [twinkle!] Hmm. Doesn't look busy enough. [g*n] [g*n] Ew! Talk to the han... [g*n] [g*n] Yep ... natural causes. You sure about that? [dramatic music plays] Handy smurf ... tonight. He knows too much. Mrrow. [sighs] I swore I'd stop spanking it, but I just can't say no to you, Marjory. Unh! Unh! Unh! Broke your resolution, eh? [choking] - This makes it so much better! - I'm gonna sit this one out. ♪ Baby New Year, resolution enforcer ♪ I love spending these nights together, baby. Just me, you, and the desolation of nature. I love you, St. Nick. [rumbling] What the [bleep] Santa! Mrs. Claus! It is a true honor to meet you. I ... Hey, thanks for blocking our - view, dumbass! - Oh. Sorry. I didn't know your place was here when I threw the crystal. Good thing I didn't hook it, or your house would be in my living room. [laughs] There's a million [bleep] miles of ice up here, and you pick feet from our house for this... - Fortress of solitude. - You built your Fortress of solitude next to the only other house in the entire Arctic?! It'll be nice to have a neighbor. - Would you like some tea? - Another time, ma'am. Duty calls. Up, up, and away! Douche. Blitzen, have you been chewing on my boots again? Oh, god! [sighs] Son of a bitch. I had a fun thought. Why don't you wear - a cape tonight? - What? With an &quot;S&quot; on it. You know ... for &quot;Santa.&quot; [growls] Hello? Homeowners association? Superman's place is so close to mine, I can smell it when he takes a crap. Oh. Fine. Whatever. All right, see if Superman brings your kid that new wheelchair this Christmas. The H.O.A. won't kick him out unless I find just cause, huh? Hmm. What kind of weirdo builds an entire miniature city in a bottle? Ow! Tiny people! We've got tiny superpeople here! What the hell?! Aaaaargh! Ahhh! [techno music plays in distance] [groans] That's it! [slurred] Who the [bleep] are you? Who the [bleep] are you? This party is too g*dd*mn loud! Where's Superman? What the...? - Rudolph? - Huh? - Naw, man. I'm D.J. Venison. - Betrayal! Hey, everyone. Grandpa says we're being too loud. [music stops] [angry murmuring] What?! Which one of you buttholes is sh**ting arrows?! Yaaaaah! - Hello, neighbor! - Suck on this ruling, Tinker Bell! - The H.O.A. says you're out! - Well, the rules are the rules. Guess I should start packing. [laughs] Yeah. You do that. Don't forget to write. Oh, it's gonna be a good day, Martha. No more Superm... What the ... Superma-a-a-a-a-n! I'm sure Santa's out there somewhere, Martha. - I'll look some more ... - Tomorrow. Morning. - Mm! - Ohhh! [warble!] Ehhhhh?! - Oh, boy. - Shh. - Don't speak. - Mnnnnnh! [funky, mid-tempo music plays] [dramatic music plays] Oh! [gasps] - Friend of yours? - [gasps] Ohh!</text>
      <sha1>huh54l6c0fmqn4p7wk6gmwtv34i9rwf</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3148026</id>
      <parentid>3148024</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-27T05:51:40Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Bitch Pudding Special [7.16] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="68707" xml:space="preserve">===G.I. Jogurt [7.01]===
:''[At the Emmy Awards, a G.I. Joe PSA of Roadblock talking to two children is shown on the big screen]''
:'''Roadblock''': I don't know why a 7-year-old would need to deep fry a turkey, but know you know how.
:'''Children''': And knowing is half the battle.
:''[The PSA ends with the &quot;G.I. Joe&quot; jingle]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Be a Turkey on Thanksgiving&quot;.
:''[The G.I. Joes clap, and Duke kisses Scarlett before he heads up with Roadblock to collect their award, while COBRA Commander and Destro watch on from the cheap seats]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': Look at them, Destro. The Joes churn out pedestrian advice to dead-eyed children, and the public eats it up! ''[mocking the Joes]'' &quot;Hey, kids, don't play with fallen electrical lines.&quot; ''[normal voice]'' Reads like a dispatch from the no-shit clinic.
:'''Destro''': I'll get the nerve gas.
:'''COBRA Commander''': No, you fool. We'll beat them at their own game. ''[clenching his fist]'' We'll create our own PSAs!
:''[Cut to COBRA Commander, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, and the Crimson Twins in the briefing room at COBRA Headquarters]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': OK, OK, let's just throw some ideas out there. This is a safe creative place. Dr. Mindbender, go.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Well, I thought our PSA could communicate an idea non-verbally. I've discovered that painting directly on celluloid creates a sort of &quot;tone poem&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Holy ''[bleep]'', that's sounds terrible. I'm sorry, safe place, but holy shit, that was fucking dumb. Next!
:'''Baroness''': ''[enters the room]'' Oh, I forgot you guys were in here writing. I was just looking for a hammer to hang my degree in screenwriting from Aberdeen. Anything I can do for you while I'm in here? ''[looks at him]'' Destro?
:'''Destro''': She's actually really funny, you guys.
:'''COBRA Commander''': Hey, you lost me at &quot;She's&quot;. ''[Bleep'' it! We're doing it without a script.
:''[Cut to the set of COBRA's PSAs, as Destro supervises, Storm Shadow is having his makeup done by one COBRA soldier, and two more soldiers move a camera. Dr. Mindbender enters the set with a group of children]''
:'''Destro''': Dr. Mindbender, you found four young children for our PSAs.
:'''Dr. Mindbender''': Uh, yes. ''[puts his arms around the children]'' That is what these kidnapped children are for.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[talking to Storm Shadow, who is reading his lines]'' OK, Storm Shadow, these two children will be running with scissors. Now, this upsets you, and you...
:'''Storm Shadow''': Why?
:'''COBRA Commander''': It's dangerous to run with scissors.
:'''Storm Shadow''': I run with Katana. Is that not dangerous?
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow, I hadn't thought of that. Excellent point, Storm Shadow. ''[whispers to Tomax]'' Get this piece of ''[bleep]'' off my set!
:''[One of the children runs past, giggling while running with scissors, but ends up getting killed by Storm Shadow]''
:'''Storm Shadow''': Well, COBRA Commander, it looks like I owe you an apology.
:''[First COBRA PSA: Serpentor telling children about using supplies only at the post office]''
:'''Serpentor''': So, remember, only take supplies if you'll use them for post office business. Any other use is a felony.
:'''Boy''': Now I'm aware.
:'''Serpentor''': ''[putting his arms around the children and smiling]'' And awareness is the second 50% of the conflict in question. ''[beat]'' Somebody say ''[bleep]''ing &quot;Cut&quot;!
:''[Second COBRA PSA: COBRA Commander tells children about the joys of reading]''
:'''COBRA Commander''': And I think you'll find it's not hard to read when you take the time to sssssssssound it out. ''[both children giggle]'' Oh, yesss, I've got a sssmall ssspeech impediment. ''[both children laugh; irritated]'' It'sss not funny! ''[removes his mask, as the children scream and run away, only for the Commander to shoot them dead]'' Shut. It. Down.
:''[At the next Emmy Awards...]''
:'''Host''': And the Emmy for &quot;Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization&quot; goes to...G.I. Joe, for &quot;Don't Star in a COBRA PSA&quot;.
:'''COBRA Commander''': ''[shaking his fist]'' What?!
:'''Destro''': ''[shouting over to the troops]'' Pump the nerve gas!

===Link's Sausages [7.02]===
:''[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are standing in the street]''
:'''Tommy Pickles''': ''[holding his Reptar doll]'' Well, after crossing the freeway, base jumping off a cliff, and dodging bullets in a gang war, we finally found my Reptar doll.
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enters the street, finding the babies]'' Tommy! What are you doing in the street?!
:''[Cut to the Pickles' house]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, thank God! They've been lost for hours! Where were they?
:'''Didi Pickles''': Stu, a word?  ''[they walk into the kitchen, their voices get muffled as they talk with the door shut]'' What the ''[bleep]'', Stu?!
:'''Stu Pickles''': Well, I'm sorry. The babies escaped, and I-
:'''Didi Pickles''': Escaped?! They're babies, you sackless moron!
:'''Stu Pickles''': I was downstairs, working on a new toy, and they just-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, a new toy! Never mind, then!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[tearing up]'' Didi, if you keep ridiculing my work, I-I swear to God-
:'''Didi Pickles''': ''[enraged]'' What?! You'll hit me?! Ooh, you're such a man!
:''[Thudding and crashing are heard as Didi violently beats Stu offscreen]''
:'''Stu Pickles''': Didi, stop!
:'''Didi Pickles''': I'll be the man! See, Stu?! I'm the man!
:'''Stu Pickles''': ''[sobbing]'' I want a divorce!
:''[The babies look devastated as the screen cut to static]''

===Secret of the Booze [7.03]===
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf shaving his beard in his house]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': I don't usually get involved in day-to-day operations, so I'm smurfing undercover. They'll never smurf it's me. ''[chuckles; takes off his pants]'' Ohh, I haven't smurfed these things off in nearly 300 years! Talk about crotch rot!
:''[Title Card: Undercover Smurf Boss]''
:'''Farmer Smurf''': So, you're my new intern, huh?
:'''Papa Smurf''': That's right, Farmer Smurf. Teach me to care about your sad, little life...I mean your noble and fulfilling, uh, career choice.
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Well, Smurfs are a thirsty bunch, so we got to smurf them fresh milk every day!
:''[A giant caterpillar slithers in and turns onto its side, revealing its udders]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[being filmed]'' We've been drinking CATERPILLAR MILK?! ''[milks the giant caterpillar, his hands getting sore]'' Oh, this is agony. It feels like my hands are gonna smurf off!
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Yep, my carpal tunnel got so bad, they had to fuse my wrist bones in place!
:'''Papa Smurf''': But our healthcare is smurfy, right?
:'''Farmer Smurf''': Eh, my deductible is 2,000 smurfberries.
:'''Papa Smurf''': WHAT?! ''[cash register dings]''
:''[Title Card: 1 Smurfberry = 1.78 USD]''
:''[Scene cuts to the Smurf Hospital. Doctor Smurf packs his medical bag]''
:'''Papa Smurf''': Doctor Smurf, why are deductibles so high?
:'''Doctor Smurf''': Boy, you smurf a lot of uppity questions for an intern. Uh, just treat the next patient while I go for a Jamba Juice run in my gold-plated helicopter.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Actually, I'm not really qualified.
:''[Outside the window, Doctor Smurf takes off in his gold-plated helicopter. Door opens, Smurfette and Handy Smurf enter the room]''
:'''Smurfette''': We need Doctor Smurf! Handy had an accident!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Did someone get a sliver? ''[Handy shows his bleeding hand, missing all of his fingers]'' OH MY SMURFING GOD!!!
:'''Handy Smurf''': I sawed right through a load-bearing mushroom! Half our building materials are fungus! Oh, trade school didn't prepare me for this!
:'''Smurfette''': You can smurf his fingers, right, nurse?
:'''Papa Smurf''': I'll certainly try. ''[being filmed]'' I certainly tried.
:''[Cuts to Papa Smurf sewing Handy's fingers while Handy lies dead on the table]''
:'''Smurfette''': ''[crying]'' You can probably stop sewing.
:'''Papa Smurf''': No, no, no. I-I'm gonna get this. ''[walks up to Grouchy Smurf]'' So, Grouchy Smurf, how's the coffee today?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate coffee!
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh! Okay. But how do you like working here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate working here.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Oh, goodness. Okay. Well, is there anything that maybe Papa Smurf could do?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I hate Papa Smurf!
:'''Papa Smurf''': All right, what exactly do you do around here?
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I-I hate stuff?
:'''Papa Smurf''': ''[puts on his red hat]'' I'm being deadly serious.
:'''Grouchy Smurf''': I...I... ''[cuts to him, shoveling dog poop outside]'' I hate shoveling dog ''[bleep]''.
:'''Papa Smurf''': Well, now that's actually an appropriate reaction. Carry on, dog-''[bleep]'' Smurf! ''[leaves]''
:''[More dog poop falls from above, next to Grouchy]''

===Rebel Appliance [7.04]===
:'''Lion-O''': My fellow Thundercats! When danger is near, I shall hold the Sword of Omens aloft and yell out a battle cry
:'''Cheetara''': What shall our battle cry be, Lion-O?
:'''Lion-O''': &quot;Thunder, thunder, thunder, thundercats, I need you because evil is near, and we are friends, and we are a team. So we must come together and fight because the Eye of Thundera is in the sky, and it is summoning everyone together. So please come here Panthro and Tygra and Panthro and also Cheetara and also Wilykit and Wilicat and also Snarf. I think I said Panthro twice. I won't do that every time. Yes, we are the Thundercats. This is our battle cry. I love you guys. You are my best friends, and I am Lion-O and I am a Thundercat, and you guys are Thundercats too. Mumm Ra is not a Thundercat, he's bad and we're gonna win against him, because we are the Thundercats, and the Thundercats are here for you today because we are the Thundercats yeah, I'm Lion-O&quot;. I hope you write that down.
:'''Snarf''': I liked it. ''[Wilykat slaps him]'' OW!

===Legion of Super-Gyros [7.05]===
:''[With Grover and Oscar the Grouch]''
:'''Grover''': Oh boy, it sure is a great day here on Sesame Street!
:'''Oscar''': Yeah, especially since we're the last neighborhood in New York that hasn't been gentrified.
:'''Grover''': Until today, because our special guest is Hannah Horvath from the marginally popular but ignored in the flyover states HBO series, Girls!
:'''Hannah''': Hey, do you know where I could find a cocaine dealer/organic Vietnamese taco truck around here?
:'''Oscar''': ''[Bleep]'' me! ''[gets back inside his trash can]''
:'''Hannah''': ''[feels Grover]'' Ooh, you're so cute! ''[later that night]'' I really love how you don't play games, Grover.
:'''Grover''': Oh but I play lots of games, patty cake, and marco polo...Ugh!
:'''Hannah''': ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jacking off]'' Insult my parents! Oh yeah!
:'''Grover''': Woah! ''[scene cuts to him and Hannah learning about numbers with apples]'' Today, we are going to learn about the number 3, I have 3 apples!
:'''Hannah''': And I know 3 girls who were date raped at the same bar on 6th street.
:'''Grover''': That is sad. ''[Hannah eats the apple]'' Uh...you're eating my props.
:'''Hannah''': I'm proud of my body.
:'''Grover''': I know, I know.
:'''Hannah''': Ugh! Yeah! ''[shows her private parts at Grover while jerking off again]''
:'''Grover''': Oh, God!

===El Skeletorio [7.06]===
:'''Crypt Keeper''': Oh, hello! I was just enjoying the latest best &quot;heller&quot;! ''[laughs evilly, but then rips off book cover]'' This is actually Dan Brown's &quot;Inferno.&quot; It's a piece of shit. Our next tale is something of an &quot;alle-gory&quot;! You might say it's a &quot;meta-gore&quot;! Let's just roll it.
:''[Cuts to the outside of Bitch Pudding's house, where the title of the sketch appears. We cut to inside the hpuse, where Bitch Pudding is sleeping]''
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out. Get out of the house. Get out of the hou-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Why don't you get your tongue out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole so I can jam your mama's ''[bleep]'' up there, you ''[bleep]''-gargling pile of monkey spunk? Nothing to say now, huh?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': There's just a lot to unpack there.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Well, wake me up when you figure it out, ''[bleep]'' stick. ''[goes back to sleep]''
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding goes to her fridge when she sees the chairs and flower pot of her table are now completely deformed]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed, she flips them over and destroys them]'' BLAM! Where's your ''[bleep]''-ass art project now, ''[bleep]'' nut?
:'''Ghostly voice''': It wasn't supposed to be art, it was supposed to scare you! God! Forget it! I'm leaving! ''[cuts to Strawberry Shortcake's house, where she is sleeping]'' Strawberry Shortcake!
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': ''[wakes up]'' Huh? What?
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Get out of the house!
:''[A red substance begins to ooze out of the walls, causing Strawberry Shortcake to scream in fear]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[breaks in through the window]'' Hey, ''[bleep]''ing clown, if you're ragging so bad, why don't you take your mama's tampon out of your daddy's ''[bleep]''hole and lick it clean before you shove it up your ''[bleep]''?!
:'''Ghostly Voice''': Hey, stop talking about my dad's ''[bleep]''hole! I'll-I'll leave town, okay? Oh, FYI, that isn't blood, that is strawberry jam, m'lady. The insulation is leaking. All I did was turn the painting upside down. Live with it.
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': Do you think he was right about the insulation? That could be berry expensive.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hmm, let's see. That depends on whether I give a ''[bleep]'', ''[bleep]'' tits! ''[make a fanfare noise]'' Bitch Pudding! BLAM! ''[jumps out the window]''
:'''Strawberry Shortcake''': I should really move.

===Snarfer Image [7.07]===
:''[Ticking, cuts to Elmer Fudd in a field]''
:'''Elmer Fudd:'' ''[narrating]'' Time travel has not been invented yet, ''[cocks his gun]'' but in 30 years, it will be. ''[gunshot]'' In the future, TV networks don't awwow cartoons to have guns, so if they want to kill someone, they send them back here to me. My name is Elmer Fudd, and I'm a Wooper. ''[Title Card: Wooper]'' The only wule is never let your target escape, even if your target is you.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': ''[appears in the field]'' What are you waiting for? Shoot me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': What?!
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': In the future, they don't let me have a gun! That was my one dimension as a character! Know what I did yesterday? I slept for 15 hours and then beat it to a Weader's Digest! Help me!
:'''Elmer Fudd''': I can't.
:'''Old Elmer Fudd''': Come on, give it to me. ''[crying]'' Pleeeease. ''[gunshot]''
:'''Yosemite Sam''': ''[appears in the field]'' I'll have what he's having. ''[gunshot]''
:''[Cuts to Porky Pig on the Looney Tunes circles. The words &quot;That's all, folks!&quot; appear in front]''
:'''Porky Pig''': Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-...That's all, folks! ''[gunshot]''

===Up, Up, and Buffet [7.08]===
:'''Fiona''': The spell has broken! This was my true form all along! I can't wait to marry you, Shrek!
:'''Shrek''': Marry you?
:'''Fiona''': Well, yeah! Since we look the same now, we'll live happily ever after!
:'''Shrek''': Fiona, every morning, I look at myself in the mirror, and I wish my mother had the courage to throw me in the river when I was born. Then I make my way to the putrid swamps, the only place on God's green Earth a monster like me feels at home. Sometimes, children gather to scream at me. &quot;Monster!  Animal!&quot;, they yell. Then someone screams, &quot;Kill yourself!&quot; and it takes a few seconds to realize the voice is coming from my own mouth! By then, I've made my way to the old hanging tree. Before I have time to think about it, I'm wrapping a vine around my own neck. It goes &quot;tot&quot; and I pray to the gods that this time, the vine will hold! But alas, everyday, I wake up in my own filth and I lie there and I cry. I cry because I'll live to see my face again! So nay, marrying a lass with a face as hideous as my own is not on my to-do list!
:'''Fiona''':''[with her mouth full]'' Have you tried these mini cheeseburgers? They're great! ''[sees Shrek hanging from a noose, and to Shrek's disappointment, the noose snaps]''

===Panthropologie [7.09]===
:''[Caption: LEGO City, 2014]''
:'''Wife''': Honey, look out! Cliche!
:'''Gerry''': Huh? ''[all screaming]'' What's happening?!
:'''Cop''': Kre-O! They're everywh- Aah! ''[gets torn apart by the Kre-O's]''
:'''Wife''': There's something wrong with them. They look like us but different!
:'''General''': ''[lands in the helicopter]'' This way! Hurry! Your life has more value than other people! ''[the Lanes get onto the helicopter]'' Gerry, we need your expertise!
:'''Gerry''': My expertise? I'm not a soldier!
:'''General''': Gerry, we need a lawyer.
:''[Title Card: WORLD WAR B (as in blocks)]''
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': Put simply, Gerry, we're being invaded by imitation blocks.
:'''Assistant''': Off-brand products with a taste for LEGO blood!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': They're nearly identical but different. Wrong. Like when you sit on your hand until it goes to sleep. You try to pretend Flo from the Progressive commercials is giving you an HJ, but you know it's not Flo. You know that! She'd never be so clumsy, so artless.
:'''General''': That's impossible! We're trademarked!
:'''Gerry''': No, general. LEGO bricks aren't protected by trademark. They're protected by patent.
:'''General''': Hell, man, what's the difference?
:'''Gerry''': The difference is...patents expire! Cool! Someone turned that legal document into a GIF. That's fun.
:'''General''': Isn't it &quot;jiff&quot;? Anyway, how do we stop it?
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': There's nothing we can do. ''[whispering]'' Don't worry, Flo. I'll protect you.
:'''Assistant''': Don't worry, girl from the Wendy's commercials.
:'''General''': Don't worry, GEICO gecko.
:''[Cut to the map]''
:'''Gerry''': ''[narrating]'' They covered the whole globe in no time: Mega Bloks, Kre-O, Best-Lock, CoCo, BanBao, Rokenbok, Super Blocks, and Leggo with two g's, which was especially insulting.
:''[Caption: Lego Headquarters, Denmark]''
:''[Zombies groaning]''
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' LEGO my baby, LEGO my honey, LEGO my ragtime gal...
:'''Son''': Daddy, are we safe?
:'''Gerry''': Of course we are, son. People are singing, aren't they? Ugh. That is the lowest form of music.
:'''Barbershop Quartet''': ''[singing]'' ...Honey, you'll lose me, then you'll be left alone...
:''[Zombies groaning loudly]''
:'''Gerry''': The terrible singing! They're attracted to the terrible singing! ''[the zombies start climbing over the walls. Gerry knocks out the quartet. Soldiers start shooting]'' Ohh! - Ow! Fire! Fire! They're too fast!-Ohh!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': ''[runs in with the syringe]'' Gerry, I've found a way to camouflage ourselves!
:'''Gerry''': That beats my solution. ''[acts out shooting zombies, and then acts out shooting himself]'' Pew pew! Pew pew! Pew!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': LEGOs are machined to a tolerance of 10 micrometers! That's why we're so expensive! But this serum will make us look cheaper and sloppier! ''[injects himself]'' Aah! ''[turns into a Playmobil figure]'' We look like them now!
:'''Gerry''': I'd rather die.
:'''Son''': ''[notices something]'' What?! They have Transformers?
:'''Gerry''': No, son! No!
:'''Son''': Aah! ''[Bumblebee rips him in half]''
:'''Gerry''': Nooooooo!
:'''W.H.O. Doctor''': You probably don't even want to go on living now.
:'''Gerry''': Huh? Oh, that was just a kid from my wife's first marriage. But that looked really painful. Hit me with the juice! ''[gets injected]'' Ugh! ''[the serum transforms him into...]'' No! You turned me into a ''[bleep]''ing DUPLO! It's the same company as LEGO, you fool! Aah! Aah! ''[Mrs. Lane and the Doctor run away whilst DUPLO Gerry gets his head ripped off]'' Guys, is this ending working? Let's re-shoot it.
:''[Zombies murmuring]''

===Catdog on a Stick [7.10]===
:'''Executive''': You sure you wanna do a movie, Tiger?
:'''Tiger''': I want to be beloved again, like before I had sex with all those waitresses from IHOP. Jordan did Space Jam. I want my Space Jam.
:'''Executive''': Well, studios aren't lining up to lend their characters to a Tiger Woods movie. Everyone aggressively passed except DiC, but I cannot recommend that.
:''[Cut to the title card for the Golf Jam movie]''
:'''Singers''': Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to Tiger on the golf course]''
:'''Tiger''': Time for a day of playing golf and being faithful to my girlfriend. ''[falls down a large hole]'' What? Whoooooooa!! ''[lands in DiC Land, surrounded by Heathcliff and other DiC characters]'' Ow!
:'''Heathcliff''': Welcome to DiC Land, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[getting up from his fall and waving hello]'' Why, hi, Garfield.
:'''Heathcliff''': I'm Heathcliff. I'm more romantic and have an accent. This is Cleo.
:'''Cleo''': We need your help, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': ''[enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to put my penis in you... ''[snaps back to attention, and looks at the camera]'' I mean, I love my girlfriend.
:'''Cleo''': We brought you here because the evil Dork Punks challenged us to a game of golf.
:'''Tiger''': ''[once again enamoured with Cleo's beauty]'' I want to hump your face... ''[flustered]'' I mean, help your face- ''[snaps out of it again]'' Help you, I will help you!
:''[The Dork Punks walk into the shot, as Tiger turns to look at them]''
:'''Dork Punk''': Let's tee off, DiC-heads!
:''[Tiger and Heathcliff look at each other and nod, and we cut to a golf-playing montage. Tiger (now wearing a cap with the DiC logo on it) hits a beautful shot as Heathcliff, Cleo, and a couple of other toons watch. LongArm uses his gauntlet to sink a putt, as Tiger chats up Princess Lana and receives a slap to the face from her. As Cleo prepares to sink her putt, Tiger walks up from behind and starts pretending to hump her. Ja-Kal prepares to take a shot as Armon looks on, but a piece of Armon's gauze is caught on Ja-Kal's club. As Ja-Kal swings, he and Armon both get tied up in Armon's gauze. Tiger is seen in one of the bunkers with Nefer-Tina sitting on top of him, as she unwraps the gauze from her upper body much to Tiger's delight. The montage ends as Tiger is getting ready to sink his final putt, with Cleo and Hammerman watching on]''
:'''Hammerman''': If you sink this putt, we win!
:'''Tiger''': Wish me luck, Bobby Brown.
:'''Hammerman''': Bobby Brown? I'm Hammerman! I'm M.C. Hammer, except not, and I have magic shoes. ''[shows off his magic dancing shoes]''
:'''Tiger''': ''[looks at Cleo]'' You know, I don't even know if I want to save you DiC's. You're just uninspired rehashes of good ideas. Seriously, how cheap is DiC? This is a movie, and you all look like you were drawn on a napkin.
:'''Cleo''': Win the game and I'll blow you.
:''[Upon hearing this, Tiger immediately sinks the putt and wins the game. As the DiC toons celebrate, Tiger unzips his pants and takes a terrified Cleo by the hand into the Pancake House for his well-earned blowjob]''
:'''Hammerman''': ''[rapping]'' Everybody tee off, get a club in your hands, charisma-free sex addict saving DiC Land! Welcome to the Golf Jam!
:''[Cut to black with the bold white text &quot;Golf Jam was rented once from Redbox. The copy was returned on time.&quot;]''

===Super Guitaro Center [7.11]===
:'''Shredder''': The &quot;Channel 6 News Masquerade Ball&quot; is the opportunity for me to kidnap April O'Neil. She's the perfect bait to catch the turtles. ''[surprised to see April's costume]'' Wow! Out of that bulky lesbian jumpsuit, she's hot as ''[bleep]''!
:'''April''': Care to dance, Mr. Potter?
:'''Shredder''': WHAT?! ''[cuts to Shredder dancing with April]'' And, what's your costume?
:'''April''': Belle from &quot;Beauty and The Beast&quot;, but a dick-slut.
:'''Shredder''': Is your favorite restaurant, Taco &quot;Belle&quot;?
:''[Both laugh]''
:'''April''': You are hilarious.
:'''Shredder''': On the count of 3, say your favorite band. 1, 2, 3!
:'''Shredder and April''': Toad the Wet Sprocket! ''[pause, they both kiss]''
:'''April''': ''[feels the blade, and gasped]'' Wait. Are you-
:'''Shredder''': In love? Yes. WHAT?! Bye! ''[leaves]''
:'''April''': ''[realizing]'' Shredder?
:''[Cut to Shredder with April outside her apartment after the party]''
:'''Shredder''': Think of something poetic, Oroku. ''[to April]'' But soft, you are total boner food!
:'''April''': Oh, Shredder. My heart doesn't take sides.
:'''Shredder''': People won't approve.
:'''April''': No one can keep us apart.
:''[They both kiss again. Then cuts to the sewer]''
:'''Raphael''': Aww, Hell to the No! ''[punches a brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''April''': We're soul mates! We both love Toad the Wet Sprocket.
:'''Michelangelo''': Toad the-What?! Is that a sex thing?! Have you guys had sex?!
:'''April''': No. Just dry humping, and ball play.
:'''Raphael''': Ball play?! ''[punches the same brick wall with a grunt]''
:'''Splinter''': You must stay away from Shredder, April. He is dangerous. Sleep here tonight. Donatello, grab the guest pillows.
:''[Donatello grabs pizza boxes which are the guest pillows, and puts them on the couch. Later while everyone's asleep, Shredder comes up from behind the couch to see April]''
:'''April''': ''[gasps]'' What are you doing here?
:'''Shredder''': I came to say &quot;Hi&quot;, ''[lays down next to her]'' and also have sex after the whole &quot;Hi&quot; thing.
:'''April''': It's like Six Flags Hurricane Harbor in my panties right now. ''[they both kiss again. Later, we see her and Shredder outside the manhole]'' Mmm, Mmm. You really Toadied my Wet Sprocket. When will I see you again?
:'''Shredder''': Soon, I hope. I should go before the turtles wake up. Plus, I have some major ExtenZe farts coming on. ''[farts]''
:''[Next morning while April was having her breakfast]''
:'''Donatello''': April, just go on one date with Casey. He's a good guy.
:'''April''': Casey is a jobless loser in sweats! ''[walks away]''
:'''Casey''': Good start to my morning.
:'''[Cut to April with the Rat King]''
:'''April''': So, I left. What should I do, Mr. Rat King? I belong with Shredder.
:'''Rat King''': I have an idea! And my idea involves you taking a lot of poison very quickly.
:'''April''': ''[pause, interested]'' Go on?
:''[Cut to April playing dead]''
:'''Shredder''': ''[shocked]'' It can't be! April?! NO!!!! WHY?!?! ''[accidentally hits April with his spikes]''
:'''April''': ''[wakes up in pain]'' Ow! Ow! Ow! What the ''[bleep]''?! Shredder!
:'''Shredder''': April! You're alive!
:'''April''': The poison only made me appear dead. Didn't you read &quot;Romeo and Juliet&quot;, you ''[bleep]''ing ass clown? ''[gags and dies]''
:'''Shredder''': NOOOOOOO!!!!!! ''[a few seconds of silence]'' Just gonna take my Toad the Wet Sprocket bootleg back. ''[takes his CD back, and leaves]''

===Noidstrom Rack [7.12]===
:'''Picard''': ''[dozing in the captain's chair on the bridge of the Enterprise]'' What's that Beverly? You want Wesley to watch? Hmm, make it so! ''[jerks awake]'' Oh, 2300 hours, time for the night crew to relieve us! ''[moves to leave the bridge, as Captain Jake enters]'' Captain.
:'''Captain Jake''': Capitan! ''[the Enterprise bridge crew file out, as their night crew replacements enter]'' Night crew, maintain course. ''[cut to the Enterprise moving through space]'' Space, the final frontier! These are the 11pm to 7am voyages of the Enterprise's night crew. Its continuing mission...is to PAR-TAY! ''[starts drinking from a beer can as the night crew cheer]''
:'''Night Crew''': Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! [A Borg cube appears on the view screen]
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Captain Jake, a Borg cube is hailing us.
:'''Captain Jake''': They probably want us to turn down our jams...Fat chance!
:'''Borg Drone''': Lower your shields, your culture will adapt to service us.
:'''Captain Jake''': You want us to service you?
:'''Borg Drone''': Affirmative. You will service the Borg, all night if needed! ''[Commander LaFreak sniggers. The Borg Drone looks unamused]'' Wait! Our hive mind has assimilated double entendres- real mature, guys! Prepare for assimilation! ''[the Borg cube begins to shoot at the Enterprise with its lasers]''
:'''Commander LaFreak''': Our shields won't last long, sir! Should we wake up the bald guy?
:'''Captain Jake''': ''[opens another can of beer]'' No way, Commander LaFreak! We'll beat the Borg like we beat that frat on Gallos 7!
:'''Commander LaFreak''': We'll sell naked photos of their girlfriends at a pie-eating contest?
:'''Captain Jake''': What?! No! Like any frat, the Borg share a hive mind, man. If we get one Borg to party, all Borg will party! Night crew, prepare to rock out with our Spocks out! ''[the night crew beam across to the Borg cube]'' Anybody order a partygram? ''[the night crew start playing music and drinking with the Borg drones in the cube. He pulls out a bottle of champagne to a female Borg drone]'' Wet t-shirt contest! ''[opens the champagne bottle on the female drone, who doesn't react even when he douses her chest]'' Oh right, no shirt...you want mine? ''[removes his Captain's jumper, just as the Borg drone he talked to advances on him]'' Whoa, chill out, dude! Wait, is she your daughter?
:'''Borg Drone''': Enough! Partying is futile! ''[jabs Captain Jake with its injection tubes, only to recoil. Captain Jake grins]'' Your blood, so full of beer! Your party, so hearty! ''[grabs a cup of beer from a Klingon night crew member and chugs it]'' Woo-hoooo! ''[the rest of the Borg join the drone and the night crew in partying]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Now this, I can assimilate! ''[he and the drone hug]''
:''[Cut to the Borg cube drawing a giant cock on a planet with its lasers. Cut to an awards ceremony on the bridge of the Enterprise]''
:'''Starfleet Admiral''': Captain Jake, Starfleet thanks you for defeating the Borg. ''[hangs a medal around Captain Jake's neck]''
:'''Captain Jake''': Bitchin'!
:'''Picard''': ''[fuming]'' NIGHT CREEEEEEWWWWW! ''[everyone looks round nervously, until he grins]'' Beer me! ''[the night crew cheer and Jake tosses Picard a can]'' You glorious sons of bitches!

===Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13]===
:''[The Disney Princess Castle is shown]''
:'''Snow White''': ''[from inside]'' Welcome to the Princess Summit, ''[cut to inside]'' where we address the complex political issues facing our kingdoms.
:'''Rapunzel''': Hairstyles.
:'''Cinderella''': Talking pets.
:'''Tiana''': Hairstyles for our talking pets.
:'''Ariel''': Crabs. ''[everyone looks at her in disgust]'' I've got crabs.
:'''Snow White''': Well, isn't that just, um...and where is our newest princess?
:'''Merida''': ''[enters, carrying a dead boar dripping with blood]'' Ach! Sorry I'm late. I killed a boar on the way here.
:'''Aurora''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, you're so feminist and empowered. Great.
:'''Merida''': ''[laying boar on the table and gutting it]'' 'Ey, wee beastie! Have we got to grievances yet? A bunch of wee dwarves are illegally mining me territory.
:'''Snow White''': Oh, Merida, you have far bigger problems. Let me tell you about them.
:'''Merida''': Not a damn song.
:'''Snow White''': ''[singing]'' Here's a list of things to drop;
:Your accent, bow, that tangled mop.
:Fifteen pounds from off your hips
:Those ginger afros 'neath your pits
:And no prince will want to mingle
:With a girl with no hit single.
:''[Cinderella, Aurora, and Ariel hold up gold records]''
:'''Cinderella''': ''[spoken]'' And your pet's hair is a disaster.
:'''Merida''': That's me mother! She's a bear! The trailer was very misleading! ''[holds the knife to Snow White's neck''] I came here looking for justice; instead, I found treachery. Prepare yourself for war. ''[Leaves]''
:'''Mulan''': ''[following Merida]'' Someone finally said it! See you on the killing field, round-eyes. ''[leaves]''
:'''Belle''': Amen, sister. ''[leaves]''
:'''Tiana''': Stuck-up bitches!
:''[Rapunzel follows. The remaining princesses look on. We transition to the next scene where Snow White is preparing her army for war against Merida's army]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, that Merida! I'll show her. ''[out the window]'' Send in my war counsel. ''[a cute Disney-esque bird flies up to the windowsill]'' What shall I do, little one?
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Core that bitch like an apple.
:'''Snow White''': Oh my.
:'''Blue bird''': ''[chirping with subtitles]'' Weave a tapestry of their intestines.
:'''Snow White''': Okay, okay, I get it, I get it. We need weapons.
:'''Cinderella''': I've got a guy.
:''[The Fairy Godmother appears]''
:'''Snow White''': Oh, good idea. We'll fight them with magic.
:'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[laying bag of assault weapons on table]'' Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo, that's twenty grand.
:'''Princesses''': Ooh, wow!
:'''Ariel''': Do you need thingamabobs? I've got thingamabobs.
:'''Jasmine''': Nobody cares about the dildo collection you dredged up from the Atlantic, you fishy bitch. ''[Ariel runs away crying]'' Anyone else have cold tits?
:''[We cut to Merida's training grounds]''
:'''Merida''': All right, ladies. Show me what you've got.
:'''Rapunzel''': ''[whips the practice dummy with her hair, dismembering it, then strangling it]'' I finally found the perfect conditioner— ''[pops the dummy's head off]'' blood!
:'''Louis''': ''[shooting arrows and missed the target]'' Oh, curse these stubby arms.
:'''Merida''': You're an alligator. Be an alligator!
:''[Louis turns to Mushu, who is standing beside him]''
:'''Mushu''': Oh, wait! Don't...!
:'''Louis''': ''[eats Mushu]'' Oh! I'm so sorry!
:'''Mulan''': No, no, it was...it was a good kill.
:''[Cut to Snow White's army, ready for their coming battle]''
:'''Snow White''': Not all of us will live to wish upon a star tonight, but we give our lives for a greater good.
:'''Aurora''': ''[yawning]'' Oh dear, I think I'm getting sleepy. I might have to sit this one out, guys.
:'''Snow White''': Don't you pull that shit now!
:'''Aurora''': Just teasing.
:''[An arrow fired by an off-screen Merida strikes Aurora in the throat, killing her instantly]''
:'''Merida''': ''[with her army at the top of a hill]'' Bring me the scalp and/or weave of Snow White! Charge!
:''[The armies charge at each other]''
:'''Jasmine''': I will show you a world of death!
:''[They meet in the middle, where Ariel, now a mermaid, has brought an atomic bomb]''
:'''Ariel''': Look, everyone! I brought my thingamabob! My weapons-grade thingamabob!
:'''Cinderella''': Oh, you just don't know what words are. That's your thing.
:''[The bomb starts beeping, indicating its imminent detonation]''
:'''Princesses''': ''[realizing]'' Ahh! Run away! Run away! ''[running away from the bomb]''
:'''Sebastian''': ''[pops up from behind the bomb, singing]'' Bend over and grab your ankles!
:''[The bomb explodes, completely obscuring the scene with smoke and ash, until it dissipates, revealing that the explosion has eradicated almost everything, leaving nothing but a barren wasteland]''
:'''Merida''': ''[wounded, trudges by]'' Me mother's a bear.
:''[Tinkerbell arrives, then shoots her in the head with a gun, winks, and leaves]''

===Walking Dead Lobster [7.14]===
:''[We start on a gradient aquamarine-blue background, where the Gullah Gullah Island logo rolls in]''
:'''Announcer''': And now, back to Gullah Gullah Island!
:''[We cut to Ron and Natalie's house, where everyone plays Leapfrog with. Two policemen, one blonde and the other with brown hair, arriving at the front door]''
:'''Ron''': ''[jumps over Shaina and Binyah-Binyah]'' This sure is fun, Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': Binyah-Binyah! Have fun, too!
:''[The policemen knock on the door]''
:'''Ron''': I'll get it. ''[opens the door to show the policemen]''
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Hello, sir. We've investigated a tip. A criminal might be in the area; he's robbed a bank and shot three policemen.
:'''Ron''': Oh, no! Well, there's nobody here but me, my wife, our three children, and our man-sized pet polliwog.
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Yeah-no, no, no, that's a man in a frog suit.
:'''Natalie''': ''[incredulous]'' What?! No, he's just a giant polliwog we rescued.
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Where did you find him?
:'''Vanessa''': Oh, behind an amphibious animal costume shop!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': I'm gonna need him out of that frog suit by the count of three. ''[pulls out a pistol]'' One...
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': ''[raises both arms in the air as the Alstons stare in shock]'' Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Two...
:'''Binyah-Binyah''': ''[scared, waving arms]'' Binyah-Binyah!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': Three!
:'''Frogman''': ''[screams and strips out of costume, making the Alstons cover their eyes from seeing his nude lesion-covered body]'' No! Don't shoot!
:'''Cop with Brown Hair''': ''[still points pistol with other officer]'' Down on the ground, Frogman!
:'''Natalie''': ''[disgusted]'' What's on his skin?!
:'''Frogman''': Sores, you dumbass! From wearing that polliwog costume for four months straight! ''[is handcuffed by the blonde policeman and pulled out of the house]'' Binyah-Binyah! Binyah-Binyah!
:''[The brown-haired policeman clubs Frogman on the back of his head to knock him out, ending the sketch''

===Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15]===
:'''Peter Pan''': Fly with me, to Neverland! ''[flies out of the window with the Darling children]''
:'''Mary Darling''': ''[arrives with her husband too late]'' Children, no!
:''[Scene cuts to Neverland]''
:'''Peter Pan''': These are the Lost Boys. They're not vampires. ''[phone rings from inside a tree; curiously]'' We have a phone? ''[picks up the receiver]'' Hello?
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[on the phone]'' I don't know who you are. ''[cut to him with George and Mary]'' I don't know what you want. I don't know why you dress like...
:'''Mary Darling''': A gay Robin Hood.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Like a gay Robin Hood. I have a very particular set of skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. By which I guess I mean, flying gay Robin Hoods.
:''[Cut to Peter]''
:'''Peter Pan''': Good luck finding Neverland, grandpa. ''[hangs up and leaves]''
:''[Cut back to Bryan, George, and Mary]''
:'''George Darling''': Oh, what's he saying?
:'''Bryan Mills''': He's saying, &quot;Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...&quot;
:'''Mary Darling''': That's the dial tone.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Dial tone? ''[hangs up]'' Well, this is a very old phone. ''[to George and Mary]'' He's holding your children in what I presume is an underground sex club called Neverland.
:'''George Darling''': Oh thank goodness, you do security work for bankers like myself, Mr. Mills, but how will you reach the children? They were flying!
:'''Mary Darling''': I think I heard them say something about thinking happy thoughts.
:'''Bryan Mills''': Happy thoughts, eh? ''[imagining himself in the thought bubble, grabbing Peter Pan and throwing him on a step]''
:'''Peter Pan''': No! No! Please!
:''[Bryan crushes Peter's head destroying his face, the thought bubble vanishes]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': Whoo hoo, off I go! ''[flies through the roof]''
:''[Scene cuts to Neverland, Bryan kills the Lost Boys, except Slightly, who turns around and sees the other Lost Boys dead covered in blood]''
:'''Slightly''': ''[farts]'' I just pooped in my tail!
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[holding Slightly at knifepoint]'' Where are the children?!
:''[Slightly farts again before we cut to Wendy and the mermaids]''
:'''Wendy''': I've never meet real live mermaids before.
:'''Mermaid''': ''[laughs]'' That's so fun! Lets drown this bitch! ''[grabs Wendy by her arms]''
:'''Wendy''': No, please, no! ''[opens her eyes to see the mermaids dead]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[wearing the seashell bra]'' Wendy, where are your brothers?
:'''Wendy''': There! On the pirate ship!
:''[Cut to the Pirate ship where John and Michael are cornered by Captain Hook]''
:'''Captain Hook''': Time for these little chickadees to walk the plank! ''[laughs]''
:'''Bryan Mills''': ''[near the dead pirates]'' Tick-tock, time's up! ''[kicks Captain Hook, who falls while screaming into the crocodile's mouth]'' I'm taking you home, children.
:'''Peter Pan''': ''[arrives with Tinkerbell]'' Not so fast, you old codfish! ''[Tinkerbell flies up to Bryan taunting him, Bryan uses his shoe to squash her]'' Tink! Oh, good luck getting home without her fairy dust, asshole!
:'''Bryan Mills''': Why would I want to leave when my happy thoughts are about to come true?
:'''Peter Pan''': Your what? ''[Bryan grabs him and throws him to a step]'' Oh! No! NO! ''[Bryan crashes his head with his foot before his shadow comes out]''
:'''Wendy''': Okay, but seriously man, how the ''[bleep]'' are we getting home?!
:'''Bryan Mills''': Hang on. ''[grabs Peter's shadow and throws it on the same step]''
:'''Peter's shadow''': No, no, wait! ''[screams as Bryan crushes its head in black blood with his foot]''

===Bitch Pudding Special [7.16]===
:''[Part 1 starts, as a funeral for Granny Graham Crackers is taking place at the Strawberryland Church; Raspberry Parfait is speaking at the podium]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Even on cloudy days, Pastryville always had a ray of sunshine. And her name was Granny Graham Crackers. Remember when she knit your favorite scarf, Black Cherry Pie?
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': ''[caressing her scarf fondly]'' I wear it everyday, Raspberry Parfait.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': And Fudge Turnover, remember when she fixed you leaky roof?
:'''Fudge Turnover''': She got heat-stroke and fell into the hedges.
:'''Black Cherry Pie''': ''[indignant]'' While you watched Tango and Cash on Netflix!
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Yes! While I watched Tango and Cash on Netflix.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': And Buttermilk Biscuits, I remember when Granny drove all the way to the big city to get-
:'''Buttermilk Biscuits''': ''[gesturing towards her neck]'' No. Nope. Mnh-mnh.
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Your...tonsils out?
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Yeah, your unborn tonsils.
:''[Black Cherry Pie scowls at him]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': ''[clears her throat]'' Now then if there are no more speakers? ''[no one says a word, to her relief]'' Great! Then, in conclusion- ''[But Bitch Pudding opens the door just then. Everyone is shocked. Bitch Pudding walks up to the podium, lightly shoving her out of the way]'' W-We were just wrapping up here, Bitch Pudding.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[grabs the microphone and begin to speak in her calm southern accent]'' I remember Granny. ''[the audience is still dumbfounded]'' I remember her smile. ''[the audience looks relieved]'' I remember how much she loved baking sugar cookies. ''[wipes a tear from her eye]''
:'''All''': ''[react happily]'' Ahh!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': But most of all, I remember... ''[giving a angry rant]'' her rank-ass old-lady farts.
:''[Everyone gasps in shock]''
:''[Raspberry Parfait'': ''[facepalming]'' Oh, God.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': This bitch had no sense of smell, no sense of hearing, so all day long, she was like &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbht!&quot; &quot;Pbhhhhhht!&quot;
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Okay. ''[chuckles]'' That's enough-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[pushes Raspberry Parfait and continues]'' And when you're a hundred years old, I guess panties are just an afterthought. I mean, raise your hand if you never saw Granny airing out the Ark of the Covenant! ''[while she’s talking, Raspberry Parfait does the hand signal to turn the camera off, but she then mouths &quot;What the?&quot; Everyone gasps and groans]'' I hope Granny is in heaven, but she had a gambling addiction, so Satan might be doing her up the butt. ''[Everyone gasps again]'' Knock twice if Satan's doing you up the butt, Granny. ''[in Granny's voice]'' I love it up the butt from Satan, everybody! ''[in Satan's voice]'' You rule, Granny! Ha ha! ''[begins humping the coffin; the others gasp and groan in shock once more]'' Now hit my ''[bleep]''ing theme song!
:''[Music plays in the style of “The Trooper” by Iron Maiden, as Bitch Pudding walks down the aisles where she steals an audience member's apple and takes a single bite before giving it to German Chocolate Cake and out of the church, where she closes the doors as the title for the special appears. Everyone starts murmuring]''
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': Now, then-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[bursts into the church again, briefly]'' Da-da-da-da! Bitch Puddin'. Blam! ''[runs off; later that night, she is playing a shooter video game, where she is taking out several in-game enemies]'' Yeah! Suck it.
:''[Bitch Pudding's game avatar approaches a villager character]''
:'''Villager''': You have saved my village!
:''[Bitch Pudding's game avatar shoots the villager dead]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': You mean &quot;my&quot; village! ''[a rumble of thunder is heard as Bitch Pudding's house experiences a power outage and the TV screen dies]'' Aw!
:''[As more rumbles of thunder are heard, a mysterious hooded figure appears behind an unsuspecting Bitch Pudding, revealed by the illumination of lightning outside. The figure is seen first holding a knife, then an axe, then a pistol, and then finally a baseball bat, which the figure uses to club Bitch Pudding in the head-she grunts and falls unconscious. A few hours later]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[wakes up]'' Augh. Where?
:'''The Mailbird''': Oh, sounds like my cargo just woke up!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Hey! You're that damn bird that delivers our mail.
:'''The Mailbird''': You bet your feathers. But tonight, I'm gettin' paid to make a special delivery. ''[Bitch Pudding sees the volcano nearby]'' Neither rain nor sleet nor snow will keep your ass out of that volcano. Adios, Bitch Pudding. ''[Bitch Pudding, however, is trying to escape from him]'' Glurk! Ooh! Aah!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': You flying turd! Who hired you?
:'''The Mailbird''': You kill me, we both die.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Good point, jazz cloth. But, on the other hand. ''[picks out 2 feathers, and stab him in his eyes]''
:'''The Mailbird''': ''[going blind]'' Ow! ''[falls to his death in the volcano]'' Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[falls onto the rocks and rolls down in pain]'' Ohhhhhhhh!!! ''[Bleeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Ow! Ow! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Ow! Oh! Ow! Oh! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeeeeeeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleeeep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Oh, ''[bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! Mother''[bleep]''ing mother''[bleep]'' er! Ow! Ow! ''[Bleep]'' me! Oh, God! ''[Bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''! ''[hits the tree]'' Ow! ''[Bleep]''! Ohhh! ''[BLEEEEEEEP]''!!!!! ''[falls unconscious again]''
:''[The next morning, Bitch Pudding opens her eyes to see the Schlorps]''
:'''Schlorp 1''': Who is she?
:'''Schlorp 2''': Grandpappy will know.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Please, stop talking. Your voice is irritating as ''[bleep]''!
:'''Schlorp 2''': How rude!
:'''Schlorp 3''': Well, she's not wrong.
:'''Schlorp 4''': Who is that?
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Welcome to Schlorptown, stranger! We are the Schlorps. And my name is Grandpappy Schlorp.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Are you in charge of this sh*thole?
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': You see anyone else with a beard around here?
:'''Schlorp 2''': We should Schlorp the &quot;Get to know you&quot; song!
:''[Everyone laughs and the peppy music plays]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[annoyed]'' No.
:'''Schlorps''': ''[singing]'' ♪If you get to know me,♪
:♪Then I'll get to know you!♪
:♪Once you're in the group,♪
:♪You're a friend through-and-through!♪
:'''Fishing Pole Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Fishing Pole Schlorp and I catch all the fish!♪
:'''Basketball Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Basketball Schlorp watch this!♪
:'''Schlorps''': Swish!
:'''I.B.S. Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm I.B.S. Schlorp!♪
:♪You'll find me on the stalls♪
:'''Wintertime Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Wintertime Schlorp♪
:♪I'm sweating off my balls?
:'''Chinese Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm a Schlorp who come from China.♪
:'''Miss Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm Miss Schlorp with a vagina!♪
:'''Kazoo Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm a Schlorp who plays kazoo♪
:'''Kung Fu Schlorp''': ''[singing]'' ♪I'm a Schlorp who wants Kung Fu!♪ ''[accidentally karate chops the Kazoo Schlorp]'' So sorry!
:'''Schlorps''': ''[singing]'' ♪So how about the stranger?♪
:♪Tell us all about you!♪
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[grabs Banjo Schlorp's banjo to play it, but swears]'' ♪Shut the ''[bleep]'' u-u-up!!!♪
:''[Discordant note plays. She breaks the banjo and a fishing pole, while kicking a basketball far away. Afterwards, she gets angry to make the Schlorps feel shockingly bad]''
:'''I.B.S. Schlorp''': ''[his stomach growls]'' Oh, god! I'm not gonna make it. I'm not gonna make it. I'm not gonna make it. ''[craps himself]'' Aw. I didn't make it.
:''[Meanwhile, Grandpappy Schlorp tries to create a cast to Bitch Pudding's broken arm]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Ow, you old bastard!
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': There you go. Good as new. Ah, Schlorpette. Is that the Schlorp nut soup for our guest?
:'''Schlorpette''': Yes, but this is the last of our Schlorp nuts. They're all gone.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Aww. The last of the Schlorp nuts. And with winter on its way.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[sips the Schlorp nut soup, but spits it out]'' This tastes like moose dick! ''[smashes the bowl onto the floor]'' I got to go home! ''[heads towards the door]'' Some asshole tried to kill me, so that asshole's gonna get my boot up his asshole.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': With the Schlorp nuts gone, our village faces starvation. You see, the nuts were stolen by the evil squirrel wizard on one tree hill.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Phhhhhhht!
:'''Schlorpette''': It was called that before the show.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': This squirrel sounds like a pissy.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Then perhaps we can make a deal. Bring our nuts home and we help get your butt home.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Uuuuuuuugh! ''[later, she knocks on the door]''
:'''Trevor''': ''[arrives]'' Who dares disturb the sa-
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blam! ''[attacking Trevor to death]'' Haungh, haungh, hungh! Lick my taco, Squirrel Wizard. Give those dicks their nuts back!
:'''Schlorpette''': Bitch Pudding! That's not the Squirrel Wizard!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Huh? Who the hell is it?
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': ''[arrives to see Trevor dead]'' Trevor? Trevor?! Oh, my god! Trevor!
:'''Schlorpette''': His life partner.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[shocked]'' Yuh-oh. ''[runs off]''
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': ''[in anger]'' Rrrrrrrrrrah! ''[using his magic wand to shoot at Schlorpette]''
:'''Schlorpette''': Aaaaaah! ''[vanishes]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[running away from the Squirrel Wizard]'' Squirrel alert! Squirrel alert!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': ''[arrives]'' Rrrrrrrrrgh!
:'''Schlorps''': Ohh!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': ''[starts attacking the Schlorps with his magic wand]'' Suck on this! Suck on this! Suck on this!
:'''Schlorp 2''': ''[his bottom half kicks him]'' Ow! Ooh! Ow!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Can't stay. Gotta go. Blam. ''[leaves]''
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': Stay and fight, coward!
:'''Schlorp 1''': ''[getting shot]'' Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! ''[explodes]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Whew. Safe. ''[witnessing the Squirrel Wizard using magic spells to murder the Schlorps]'' Oh, ''[bleep]''! They're getting massacred! Who cares about those purple peckers? They never should have trusted me. Or...Or helped me?
:'''Narrator''': And at that moment, Bitch Pudding's heart grew three sizes bigger. Uh, metaphorically. You know, you'll just have to take my word for it.
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Die, you miserable Schlorps! And when you meet God, slap that mother''[bleep]''er in the face, because existence is nothing but his cruel joke on all of us!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Sorry, spunk-sponge! The Schlorps are under my protection! ''[a mutilated Schlorp coughs up blood and dies]'' Uh, starting now! ''[starts to fight against the Squirrel Wizard]''
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Ooh!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blick! ''[still fighting with him]'' Oh!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Suck it!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Oh! Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam! Blaaaam!
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Aaah! For Trevor! Punch! Punch!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blam! Blam! Ba-ba-ba-blam! ''[knocks the Squirrel Wizard to the ground]''
:'''The Squirrel Wizard''': Ugh! Trevor! My fuzzy little angel! ''[Bitch Pudding takes his magic wand]'' Just do it! End me! Use any death spell you choose! Just say the magic words and end my pain!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Abracadabra. ''[stabs the Squirrel Wizard through the head with his wand, finally killing him]'' Eat ''[bleep]''.
:'''Grandpappy Schlorp''': ''[walks into frame, horrified by this scene]'' My Schlorps, gone. All gone.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': As your champion, a eulogy is probably in order. ''[clears throat; Grandpappy Schlorp gives a nod to another Schlorp]'' What can be said- ''[is knocked out by a Schlorp with a baseball bat from behind]'' Ow! ''[a few hours later, she wakes up and finds out she is in a biplane]'' Huh? Where? What?
:'''Pilot Schlorp''': On behalf of &quot;''[Bleep]'' You Airlines,&quot; go ''[bleep]'' yourself.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[falls]'' Aaaaaaaaagh! Oooooh! Unh! Unh! Unh! ''[lands]'' I-I I'm home. ''[suddenly spots a carnival in Pastryville celebrating her supposed death]'' What the ''[bleep]''?
:'''Pastryville Citizen 1''': Toss Bitch Pudding in the volcano and win a prize!
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Volcano-fried Bitch Pudding on a stick!
:'''Buttermilk Biscuits''': I hate you, Bitch Puddin'!
:'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[turns around to see a mural of her being dropped into the volcano by the mail-delivery bird]'' They were all in on it! The whole town tried to kill me?!
:''[Cut to the church, where the Pastryville citizens sing a hymn with a tune of &quot;It Came Upon a Midnight Clear&quot;]''
:'''Pastryville Citizens''': ''[singing]'' ♪She made our lives a living hell♪
:♪So nasty and so mean♪
:♪And when Bitch Pudding hit the lava♪
:♪You should have heard her scream♪
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': The first annual &quot;Bitch Pudding Is Dead&quot; Festival has been a rousing success! For generations to come, we will- ''[sniffs]'' Hey, guys, do you smell smoke?
:''[Everyone finds that the church is on fire, they all scream]''
:'''Fudge Turnover''': Oh, ''[bleep]''! The door won't open! ''[a Pastryville citizen runs by on fire, screaming. The others attempt to break the church door down]'' All together, now!
:'''Everyone''': One! Two! Three! Oh! Oh!
:''[Upon bursting out, they find Bitch Pudding, alive and well, and holding a minigun in front of them]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Blam. ''[as revenge, she guns down every last citizen. A bloodied, mortally wounded Raspberry Parfait grabs onto Bitch Pudding with her last dying ounces of strength]'' Remember when I said I'd shoot you last?
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': I have absolutely no memory of that.
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Must have been a fantasy I had when I was masturbating!
:'''Raspberry Parfait''': ''[Bleep]'' you, Bitch Pudding... ''[falls over and dies]''
:''[Bitch Pudding surveys the dead bodies as heavy metal music plays. One day later, Bitch Pudding is seen leaving Pastryville]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': So that's my story. I probably should have done a voiceover through the whole thing, but I didn't feel like it. Now, the only question is what does the future hold?
:''[A car arrives, driven by Nick Fury of the Avengers]''
:'''Nick Fury''': Bitch Pudding. You have become a part of a larger Universe.
:''[Credits; when it ends, Bitch Pudding is seen having stolen Nick Fury's car, driving away]''
:'''Bitch Pudding''': Da-da-da-da! Blam!
:'''Nick Fury''': ''[left behind]'' What a bitch.

===Batman Forever 21 [7.17]===
:''[Nana is sitting alone, tied to her doghouse at the doorstep of the Darling house]''
:'''Peter Pan''': Off to Neverland!
:'''Michael''': Come on, Nana. ''[grabs Tinker Bell and sprinkles pixie dust all over Nana]''
:''[Nana starts to rise, but gets tangled in the rope and dies]''
:'''Peter Pan and the Children''': ''[in the distance]'' YAAAY!

===The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's [7.18]===
:'''Bionic-1''': Family, after nearly killing you on a ski trip to the Himalayas, I saved our lives by giving each of you bionic implants. Let's use these cool, new powers as the Bionic Six!
:''[The children cheer]''
:'''Mother-1''': Uh, hun, maybe we should be thankful we're alive and not...
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC SIX!
:'''IQ''': Open wide!
:'''Rock-1''': You just got eighty-Bionic-Sixed!
:'''Sports-1''': ''[bat cracking]'' Dad, turns out hitting homers isn't a superpower-AAH! ''[gets riddled with bullets]''
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC FIVE!
:'''Mother-1''': Eric?!
:'''Bionic-1''': Uh, his codename is Sports-1.
:'''Mother-1''': He was our son, and now he's dead! You asshole! We're getting a divorce.
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC FOUR!
:'''Karate-1''': WAA- ''[also gets riddled with bullets]''
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC THREE!
:'''IQ''': You killed my brother! ''[crushes Rock-1]''
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC TWO!
:'''IQ''': ''[crying]'' We never had any training... ''[crushes himself]''
:'''Announcer''': BIONIC ONE!
:'''BIONIC-1''': Only now do I see that bionics solve nothing...GUH! ''[gets riddled with bullets]''
:'''Announcer''': I AM OUT OF WORK!

===Chipotle Miserables [7.19]===
:'''Announcer''': From the makers of &quot;Les Misérables&quot;, comes another story about a prisoner in need of redemption.
:''[Hamburglar enters a courtroom, with Ronald McDonald as the judge]''
:'''Hamburglar''': ♫ Have mercy, my lord. I'm not a man of violence. I stole Big Mac's to feed my fami- ♫
:'''Ronald McDonald''': SILENCE! ♫ From this day on to bring you shame, Your crime, Hamburglar, shall be your name! ♫
:'''Hamburglar''': NOOOOOO!
:'''Ronald McDonald''': ♫ Yes, that's your name. There's no way to escape this. And you're French Fry Killer and you're the Nugget Rapist. ♫
:''[Cuts to Birdie inside of a McDonald's kitchen with Ronald McDonald]''
:'''Announcer''': A poultry in need of hope.
:'''McDonald's Employees''': ♫ By the time the day ends, this one will do nicely. Cause, a bird on the grill, is worth two in the hat. ♫
:'''Birdie''': ♫ You're supposed to be a friend, to all in McDonaldland. ♫
:'''Ronald McDonald''': ♫ You're a food that I serve fried, to billions worldwide. So, you kind of should've seen this coming. ♫
:'''McDonald's Employees''': ♫ By the time the day ends. ♫ ''[carry her out]''
:'''Birdie''': NOOOOO!
:''[Cuts to Birdie in a McDonald's kitchen, all her feathers plucked]''
:'''Announcer''': Every performance, riveting.
:'''Birdie''': ♫ I had a dream that I would be, more than a nugget made for dipping. ♫
:''[Cuts to Hamburglar, with Birdie's egg]''
:'''Hamburglar''': ♫ I promise I will save your child, and keep her here among the living. ♫
:'''Birdie''': ♫ There's so much hope in my hear- ♫
:''[A McDonald's Employee decapitates Birdie with a meat cleaver]''
:'''Hamburglar''': Oh, GOD!
:''[A McDonald's Employee throws Birdie's body in a pot of boiling oil]''
:'''Announcer''': Every line of dialogue sung.
:'''Hamburglar''': Now, who will rise?! ''[crowd mumbles; coughs]'' I mean. &quot;♫ Who will rise?! ♫&quot;
:''[The crowd cheers and engages in a war against the McDonald's Employees. A McDonald's Employee drinks Happy Meal Drink]''
:'''Happy Meal Drink''': No! Please stop sucking!
:''[A McDonald's Employee bites Mayor McCheese]''
:'''Mayor McCheese''': No! No! No! No! No! Aaaaahhhhhh!
:'''Hamburglar''': ''[stabs a McDonald's Employee, and holds up a McDonald's flag]'' Robble Robble!
:'''Announcer''': Les Misérobble Robble.
:''[The words &quot;Les Misérobble Robble&quot; appear along with Hamburglar]''

===The Robot Chicken Lots of Holidays But Don't Worry Christmas is Still In There Too so Pull the Stick Out of Your Ass Fox News Special [7.20]===
:And now back to &quot;The Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'hoole&quot; Christmas special.
Who? Who?
[Wings flapping]
Who is watching this program?
[sighs] Man, Christmas gets all the animated specials. I wish someone would do one for the other holidays. That would be so cool. [inhales, yawns] So... cool. [warble!] [groans] Huh?! Aaaaah! Aah! Aah! - He's a maniac! Help! - Both: Huh? Oh! What?! [Panting, crying] Whoops! Unh! What? Oh, boy. [funky, mid-tempo music plays] Ow! Your feet! Yeeow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh, my god! [sneezes] Uh...hey! Ow! Yeow! Yeow! Uh, that's okay. No, thank you. No, no, no. [Chatters] What the [bleep] Unh! Unh! Oh, yeah! I think I love you. Here goes. My New Year's resolution is - to quit drinking! - ... ... ... - Happy New Year! - All: Yay! [Twinkle!] Whoa! You're baby New Year! Did you come here to help me ring in ? No, Jim. I came to talk to you about the promise you made. Remember ... to give up drinking? But I made that resolution seconds ago. It's binding. Hyah! [Screaming] ♪ Baby New Year, resolution enforcer ♪ The Chipmunks' Christmas album went double-mahogany on the charts. So we decided to release a holiday album for - the other holidays. - # Theodore # Take a listen. [mid-tempo music plays] All: # St. Patrick's day is finally here # ♪ time to drink our weight in beer ♪ ♪ sipping green ale from a can ♪ ♪ I think I blew a homeless man ♪ And what's sure to be a halloween classic. All: # hello, people, trick or treat # ♪ I hope you give us something sweet ♪ ♪ give us candy, that's the plan ♪ ♪ I think I blew a homeless man ♪ Uh, Theodore, I think you're repeating the lyric - from St. Patrick's day. - Nope. I blew a homeless man on Halloween also. I was high on candy. - Okay! Well, there's ... - And PCP. There's also a great song for Thanksgiving! All: # hooray, it's finally turkey day # ♪ we'll drink and laugh our cares away ♪ ♪ eat pies of pumpkin and pecan ♪ I probably didn't blow a homeless man...? Theodore, this is a safe place. ♪ Okay, I definitely blew a homeless man ♪ [bells jingle] # He sees you when you're healthy # ♪ he knows when you feel sick ♪ [coughs] # he knows if you've been naughty or nice # ♪ that's right, Santa can't be tricked ♪ All right, let's go over my naughty-and-nice list for this year. Well, Billy Marchetti in Rochester stole a candy bar. Looks like someone is now on my naughty list. But he did it because his family's on welfare and his mom traded all the food stamps for heroin. Oh. Um... Hmm. That's a tough one. ♪ He watches when you're home ♪ ♪ he knows when you're away ♪ ♪ he's also starting to realize ♪ ♪ that life is morally gray ♪ Regina from Nome, Alaska, got an &quot;A&quot; on her math quiz. Well, that's cut-and-dried ... a gift for Regina. - But only because she cheated. - Okay, coal for Regina. Bu-u-u-u-u-u-t... she only cheated on the test because she can't read the blackboard due to the fact - she's dyslexic. - Aghhh! ♪ He's having an existential crisis ♪ ♪ that smug look's wiped off of his face ♪ Guys. Guys, stop. Stop singing. All right? Just ... just stop. I have a lot of things to think about. [wind whistling] Help yourself to some cookies, Sherry. I made them for the whole office. I told myself I wouldn't. But hey, yolo. Unh! ♪ Baby New Year, resolution enforcer ♪ Mother, are you watching over me, like Simba's dad did for him? [echoing] Here I am, Bambi. Oh, wow! Mom! D-Do you have any sage - advice for me? - Yes, my son. The rampant deer population is a real problem. - You have to k*ll yourself. - I-I thought you were gonna tell me, like, I was the one true king or something. No. You're a deer. Deer are meaningless! Meaningless... meaningless. Oh, I wish I had known her, father. - Yes, she was quite wonderful. - Tell me ... what was she like? Unh! Unh! Unh! Yeah! [dolphin squeals] Oh, she was enthusiastic, the most beautiful one in her pod. Oh, that's ... Wait ... pod? What pod? [yiddish accent] Nemo, put on your yarmulke - for your mother. - I don't want to! We're fish! - This is stupid! - Put on your yarmulke, Nemo! I'm tired of your shit! Sh'ma. Fishrael fish adonai... Happy Mother's day from all of us in the Disney family - who've lost our mothers. - Mickey, do you miss - your mama, too? - Ha! No! She ate all my brothers and sisters. Mice are monsters. [lisping] Oh, no. It's Valentine's day, and I have too many dates. Happy Hanukkah, Joshua. Here. I got you lots of Hanukkah gelt. [hip-hop music plays] [rapping] # I got so much Hanukkah gelt # ♪ yo, this musta been how Rockefeller felt ♪ ♪ chocolate money, it ain't even funny ♪ ♪ keep my wallet in the freezer so that shit don't melt ♪ ♪ I walk into the club, and I make it rain ♪ ♪ and now your booty all covered in a chocolate stain ♪ ♪ gelt in my socks, gelt in the banks ♪ ♪ I give gelt to my homies, and they say... ♪ - Together: Thanks! - # I give gelt to the Germans, - and they say... # - Together: Danke! ♪ I got more chocolate than Willy Wonka ♪ ♪ so much gelt, it'll make you sick ♪ ♪ I got more hot cocoa than Ice-T's [bleep] ♪ ♪ so much chocolate, make ya pop ya belt ♪ ♪ ya understand me, mother [bleep] ♪ - # I got so much gelt # - [gasps] Hey! This money's made of chocolate. You owe us grand. Oy gevalt! Happy Memorial day, my smurfs! This is the day on which we honor all the fallen smurfs of smurfs past. Myspace smurf. [bell tolls] Payphone smurf. [bell tolls] Ohhh, &quot;Talk to the hand&quot; smurf. [bell tolls] Michael Dukakis smurf. [bell tolls] I'm sensing a trend here. All of these smurfs were - kind of outdated. - Yes, it is a sad thing when a smurf outlives his usefulness. I mean, dies. Well, did these smurfs die of natural causes? Well, let me think. [twinkle!] Hmm. Doesn't look busy enough. [g*n] [g*n] Ew! Talk to the han... [g*n] [g*n] Yep ... natural causes. You sure about that? [dramatic music plays] Handy smurf ... tonight. He knows too much. Mrrow. [sighs] I swore I'd stop spanking it, but I just can't say no to you, Marjory. Unh! Unh! Unh! Broke your resolution, eh? [choking] - This makes it so much better! - I'm gonna sit this one out. ♪ Baby New Year, resolution enforcer ♪ I love spending these nights together, baby. Just me, you, and the desolation of nature. I love you, St. Nick. [rumbling] What the [bleep] Santa! Mrs. Claus! It is a true honor to meet you. I ... Hey, thanks for blocking our - view, dumbass! - Oh. Sorry. I didn't know your place was here when I threw the crystal. Good thing I didn't hook it, or your house would be in my living room. [laughs] There's a million [bleep] miles of ice up here, and you pick feet from our house for this... - Fortress of solitude. - You built your Fortress of solitude next to the only other house in the entire Arctic?! It'll be nice to have a neighbor. - Would you like some tea? - Another time, ma'am. Duty calls. Up, up, and away! Douche. Blitzen, have you been chewing on my boots again? Oh, god! [sighs] Son of a bitch. I had a fun thought. Why don't you wear - a cape tonight? - What? With an &quot;S&quot; on it. You know ... for &quot;Santa.&quot; [growls] Hello? Homeowners association? Superman's place is so close to mine, I can smell it when he takes a crap. Oh. Fine. Whatever. All right, see if Superman brings your kid that new wheelchair this Christmas. The H.O.A. won't kick him out unless I find just cause, huh? Hmm. What kind of weirdo builds an entire miniature city in a bottle? Ow! Tiny people! We've got tiny superpeople here! What the hell?! Aaaaargh! Ahhh! [techno music plays in distance] [groans] That's it! [slurred] Who the [bleep] are you? Who the [bleep] are you? This party is too g*dd*mn loud! Where's Superman? What the...? - Rudolph? - Huh? - Naw, man. I'm D.J. Venison. - Betrayal! Hey, everyone. Grandpa says we're being too loud. [music stops] [angry murmuring] What?! Which one of you buttholes is sh**ting arrows?! Yaaaaah! - Hello, neighbor! - Suck on this ruling, Tinker Bell! - The H.O.A. says you're out! - Well, the rules are the rules. Guess I should start packing. [laughs] Yeah. You do that. Don't forget to write. Oh, it's gonna be a good day, Martha. No more Superm... What the ... Superma-a-a-a-a-n! I'm sure Santa's out there somewhere, Martha. - I'll look some more ... - Tomorrow. Morning. - Mm! - Ohhh! [warble!] Ehhhhh?! - Oh, boy. - Shh. - Don't speak. - Mnnnnnh! [funky, mid-tempo music plays] [dramatic music plays] Oh! [gasps] - Friend of yours? - [gasps] Ohh!</text>
      <sha1>76nbc8mlsrb3l87dl0yocbt9hsdrx0m</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Template:Main other/doc</title>
    <ns>10</ns>
    <id>249670</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147642</id>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T18:48:10Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Write some documentation for this template</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="993" xml:space="preserve">This template detects whether the page it is used on is in the main (article) or some other namespace, and outputs different content accordingly.

===Standard usage===

The template takes two parameters, one containing the wikicode to output if used in the main namespace, the other containing the wikicode to output if used in any other namespace. This template can be used to provide errors or warnings if a template is used in an inappropriate namespace.

{{Tlc|main other|''result if in mainspace''|''result if anywhere else''}}

===Demospace parameter===

The &quot;demospace&quot; parameter can be used to force the template to display the output it would produce in a given namespace, regardless of the namespace it is actually used in.

{{tlc|main other|''result if in mainspace''|''result if elsewhere''|demospace{{=}}main}}

Will force the template to display &lt;code&gt;''result if in mainspace''&lt;/code&gt;, regardless of which namespace it is actually in.

[[Category:namespace detection templates]]</text>
      <sha1>om5i1gb07u6mpjb8nymgrfvtv9ptkr1</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147645</id>
      <parentid>3147642</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T18:53:10Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>forgot to &lt;includeonly&gt; the categories</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1021" xml:space="preserve">This template detects whether the page it is used on is in the main (article) or some other namespace, and outputs different content accordingly.

===Standard usage===

The template takes two parameters, one containing the wikicode to output if used in the main namespace, the other containing the wikicode to output if used in any other namespace. This template can be used to provide errors or warnings if a template is used in an inappropriate namespace.

{{Tlc|main other|''result if in mainspace''|''result if anywhere else''}}

===Demospace parameter===

The &quot;demospace&quot; parameter can be used to force the template to display the output it would produce in a given namespace, regardless of the namespace it is actually used in.

{{tlc|main other|''result if in mainspace''|''result if elsewhere''|demospace{{=}}main}}

Will force the template to display &lt;code&gt;''result if in mainspace''&lt;/code&gt;, regardless of which namespace it is actually in.

&lt;includeonly&gt;[[Category:namespace detection templates]]
&lt;/includeonly&gt;</text>
      <sha1>gu11jjz6xt5u3z1xtreqtzijkmos2gi</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147665</id>
      <parentid>3147645</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T19:21:54Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Probably won't ever get a sandbox, but may as well set up sandbox other</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1041" xml:space="preserve">This template detects whether the page it is used on is in the main (article) or some other namespace, and outputs different content accordingly.

===Standard usage===

The template takes two parameters, one containing the wikicode to output if used in the main namespace, the other containing the wikicode to output if used in any other namespace. This template can be used to provide errors or warnings if a template is used in an inappropriate namespace.

{{Tlc|main other|''result if in mainspace''|''result if anywhere else''}}

===Demospace parameter===

The &quot;demospace&quot; parameter can be used to force the template to display the output it would produce in a given namespace, regardless of the namespace it is actually used in.

{{tlc|main other|''result if in mainspace''|''result if elsewhere''|demospace{{=}}main}}

Will force the template to display &lt;code&gt;''result if in mainspace''&lt;/code&gt;, regardless of which namespace it is actually in.

&lt;includeonly&gt;{{Sandbox other||
[[Category:namespace detection templates]]
}}&lt;/includeonly&gt;</text>
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    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Category:Namespace detection templates</title>
    <ns>14</ns>
    <id>249671</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147643</id>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T18:50:12Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Create category, I'll sort a load of other templates into this later</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="115" xml:space="preserve">Templates which act as behaviour switches, depending upon which namespace they are used in.

[[Category:Templates]]</text>
      <sha1>gs6j2rpfwpv6x0ycosxpx8poyb8slj2</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147681</id>
      <parentid>3147643</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T19:43:21Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>add another category</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="147" xml:space="preserve">Templates which act as behaviour switches, depending upon which namespace they are used in.

[[Category:Template templates]]
[[Category:Templates]]</text>
      <sha1>2welf8xxcyity1u7c85ks8p8kf3bcrm</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147691</id>
      <parentid>3147681</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T19:51:02Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Remove from main category to format as a tree</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="124" xml:space="preserve">Templates which act as behaviour switches, depending upon which namespace they are used in.

[[Category:Template templates]]</text>
      <sha1>qg4gacrksmaq7d57u9iapzfg7qjvapc</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Template:Redlink/doc</title>
    <ns>10</ns>
    <id>249672</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147657</id>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T19:13:36Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Write some documentation for this template</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="513" xml:space="preserve">This template is used to produce intentional red links, for use in documentation and discussions

===Basic usage===

{{tlc|Redlink}} produces {{Redlink}}.

The text to display on the link can be set by using a parameter, {{tlc|Redlink|Wikiquote}} produces {{Redlink|Wikiquote}}.

This template is only for use in documentation and internal project pages, it cannot be used in articles. Any attempt to use this in an article will produce an error.

&lt;includeonly&gt;
[[Category:Internal link templates]]
&lt;/includeonly&gt;</text>
      <sha1>sbolwphvvqjf3zrx260iwk8g3n5kmhc</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147658</id>
      <parentid>3147657</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T19:14:05Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>missing full stop</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="514" xml:space="preserve">This template is used to produce intentional red links, for use in documentation and discussions.

===Basic usage===

{{tlc|Redlink}} produces {{Redlink}}.

The text to display on the link can be set by using a parameter, {{tlc|Redlink|Wikiquote}} produces {{Redlink|Wikiquote}}.

This template is only for use in documentation and internal project pages, it cannot be used in articles. Any attempt to use this in an article will produce an error.

&lt;includeonly&gt;
[[Category:Internal link templates]]
&lt;/includeonly&gt;</text>
      <sha1>2nf43e4m00zodwzavpb6iuvy5z0xizi</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147664</id>
      <parentid>3147658</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T19:21:24Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Probably won't ever get a sandbox, but may as well set up sandbox other</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="533" xml:space="preserve">This template is used to produce intentional red links, for use in documentation and discussions.

===Basic usage===

{{tlc|Redlink}} produces {{Redlink}}.

The text to display on the link can be set by using a parameter, {{tlc|Redlink|Wikiquote}} produces {{Redlink|Wikiquote}}.

This template is only for use in documentation and internal project pages, it cannot be used in articles. Any attempt to use this in an article will produce an error.

&lt;includeonly&gt;{{Sandbox other||
[[Category:Internal link templates]]
}}&lt;/includeonly&gt;</text>
      <sha1>j02v86th4makskgoan8bmmncww65rm3</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Rasha Kelej</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>249673</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147659</id>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T19:14:12Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Vanessa Proctor</username>
        <id>3126920</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Created page with &quot;Rasha Kelej was born in 1972 she is originally from Egypt.  She has a  degree in pharmacy which she got from Alexandria University. She went on to work in the  pharmaceutical industry in 1994 and joined Merck company in 1996. She is currently the Eygptian Senator and was appointed in 2020 in which she will serve a five year term.  == Quotes ==  * My vision is to develop a community of young African fashion designers and artists in order to catalyze a movement whose reach...&quot;</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="2064" xml:space="preserve">Rasha Kelej was born in 1972 she is originally from Egypt.  She has a  degree in pharmacy which she got from Alexandria University. She went on to work in the  pharmaceutical industry in 1994 and joined Merck company in 1996. She is currently the Eygptian Senator and was appointed in 2020 in which she will serve a five year term.

== Quotes ==

* My vision is to develop a community of young African fashion designers and artists in order to catalyze a movement whose reach extends far beyond just fashion or art. But to create a culture shift and be the voice of the voiceless in their communities,“
* “Fashion industry has already got enough flakes for being superficial. Let’s change this perception and create a meaningful fashion trend aiming to educate our communities
* . I love fashion and I strongly believe that designs can make Men and Women proud to wear to show their contribution toward their communities, villages, cities, across Africa ”
* &quot;I will pay more attention to helping and supporting new fashion designers and talented artists in Africa to start their lines and professional journey in their countries, at the same time I am committing to raising awareness to correct misconceptions and wrong habits through their work and designs.
* [https://merck-foundation.com/news-articles/Senator-Dr-Rasha-Kelej-CEO-of-Merck-Foundation-in-an-exclusive-cover-interview-with-The-Nation-Magazine-from-Rwanda Senator, Dr. Rasha Kelej, CEO of Merck Foundation in an exclusive cover interview with The Nation Magazine from Rwanda.] ( November 2021)  by Merck Foundation retrieved 26 July 2022.

== External References ==

* [https://merck-foundation.com/news-articles/Senator-Dr-Rasha-Kelej-CEO-of-Merck-Foundation-in-an-exclusive-cover-interview-with-The-Nation-Magazine-from-Rwanda Senator, Dr. Rasha Kelej, CEO of Merck Foundation in an exclusive cover interview with The Nation Magazine from Rwanda.] ( November 2021)  by Merck Foundation 

[[Category:1972 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Women]]
[[Category:People from Egypt]]</text>
      <sha1>fbq2yura1roccl8uk09ni5qakfpipgs</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147689</id>
      <parentid>3147659</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T19:46:58Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="2083" xml:space="preserve">{{people-cleanup}}
Rasha Kelej was born in 1972 she is originally from Egypt.  She has a  degree in pharmacy which she got from Alexandria University. She went on to work in the  pharmaceutical industry in 1994 and joined Merck company in 1996. She is currently the Eygptian Senator and was appointed in 2020 in which she will serve a five year term.

== Quotes ==

* My vision is to develop a community of young African fashion designers and artists in order to catalyze a movement whose reach extends far beyond just fashion or art. But to create a culture shift and be the voice of the voiceless in their communities,“
* “Fashion industry has already got enough flakes for being superficial. Let’s change this perception and create a meaningful fashion trend aiming to educate our communities
* . I love fashion and I strongly believe that designs can make Men and Women proud to wear to show their contribution toward their communities, villages, cities, across Africa ”
* &quot;I will pay more attention to helping and supporting new fashion designers and talented artists in Africa to start their lines and professional journey in their countries, at the same time I am committing to raising awareness to correct misconceptions and wrong habits through their work and designs.
* [https://merck-foundation.com/news-articles/Senator-Dr-Rasha-Kelej-CEO-of-Merck-Foundation-in-an-exclusive-cover-interview-with-The-Nation-Magazine-from-Rwanda Senator, Dr. Rasha Kelej, CEO of Merck Foundation in an exclusive cover interview with The Nation Magazine from Rwanda.] ( November 2021)  by Merck Foundation retrieved 26 July 2022.

== External References ==

* [https://merck-foundation.com/news-articles/Senator-Dr-Rasha-Kelej-CEO-of-Merck-Foundation-in-an-exclusive-cover-interview-with-The-Nation-Magazine-from-Rwanda Senator, Dr. Rasha Kelej, CEO of Merck Foundation in an exclusive cover interview with The Nation Magazine from Rwanda.] ( November 2021)  by Merck Foundation 

[[Category:1972 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Women]]
[[Category:People from Egypt]]</text>
      <sha1>oxhil1fzsmwyjrvqqkssvpfjbnb6pox</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Template:Talk other/doc</title>
    <ns>10</ns>
    <id>249674</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147673</id>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T19:35:23Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Write some documentation for this template</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1088" xml:space="preserve">This template detects whether the page it is used on is on a talk page, and outputs different content accordingly.

===Basic usage===

The template takes two parameters, one containing the wikicode to output if used on a talkpage, the other containing the wikicode to output if used in any other page. This template can be used to provide errors or warnings if a template is used in an inappropriate namespace or to prevent article space categories being added to inappropriate pages. 

{{Tlc|Talk other|''result if on a talk page''|''result if anywhere else''}}

===Demospace parameter===

The &quot;demospace&quot; parameter can be used to force the template to display the output it would produce on a talk or non-talk page, regardless of the type of page it is actually used on.

{{tlc|Talk other|''result if on a talk page''|''result if anywhere else''|demospace{{=}}talk}}

Will force the template to display &lt;code&gt;''result if on a talk page''&lt;/code&gt;, regardless of which namespace it is actually in.

&lt;includeonly&gt;{{sandbox other||
[[Category:Namespace detection templates]]
}}&lt;/includeonly&gt;</text>
      <sha1>20z4yfxfp1f7m87bgamu4omtxjyq9zh</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147675</id>
      <parentid>3147673</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T19:38:36Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>typo</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1085" xml:space="preserve">This template detects whether the page it is used on is a talk page, and outputs different content accordingly.

===Basic usage===

The template takes two parameters, one containing the wikicode to output if used on a talkpage, the other containing the wikicode to output if used in any other page. This template can be used to provide errors or warnings if a template is used in an inappropriate namespace or to prevent article space categories being added to inappropriate pages. 

{{Tlc|Talk other|''result if on a talk page''|''result if anywhere else''}}

===Demospace parameter===

The &quot;demospace&quot; parameter can be used to force the template to display the output it would produce on a talk or non-talk page, regardless of the type of page it is actually used on.

{{tlc|Talk other|''result if on a talk page''|''result if anywhere else''|demospace{{=}}talk}}

Will force the template to display &lt;code&gt;''result if on a talk page''&lt;/code&gt;, regardless of which namespace it is actually in.

&lt;includeonly&gt;{{sandbox other||
[[Category:Namespace detection templates]]
}}&lt;/includeonly&gt;</text>
      <sha1>j9shve4pw2k3ahtksfuzefwsz9179yq</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Talk:Fishing</title>
    <ns>1</ns>
    <id>249676</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147700</id>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T20:02:33Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Anachronist</username>
        <id>874763</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Fishing quote with various attributions */ new section</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1901" xml:space="preserve">== Fishing quote with various attributions ==

I am posting here following a discussion at [[Wikipedia:Reference desk/Humanities]].

One thing missing from this article is the quotation that goes roughly &quot;The gods do not deduct from one's life the time spent fishing.&quot;

Various forms of this have been attributed to various places:
* &quot;God does not charge time spent fishing against a man’s allotted life span&quot; &amp;mdash; attributed as an &quot;American Indian proverb&quot; by ''Forbes''[https://www.forbes.com/quotes/402/], but I think this is wrong because American Indians weren't monotheistic and wouldn't say that.
* &quot;The gods do not deduct from man’s allotted span the hours spent in fishing&quot; &amp;mdash; attributed to [[Herbert Hoover]]. Source: quotefancy.com/quote/1022185/Herbert-Hoover-The-gods-do-not-deduct-from-man-s-allotted-span-the-hours-spent-in-fishing (unlinked due to spam filter); it is likely he actually did say that because he was known as an avid fisherman (an [https://books.google.com/books?hl=en&amp;lr=&amp;id=vGI51FdN_UEC entire book] was written about it), but was he the first?
** Other sources attribute this same wording to a &quot;Babylonian proverb&quot;.[https://itatemylure.com/][https://minimalistquotes.com/proverb/the-gods-do-not-deduct-from-marls-allotted-span-the-hours-spent-fishing/]
* &quot;The gods do not subtract from the alloted span of men's lives the hours spent in fishing&quot; &amp;mdash; claimed to be an Assyrian proverb by a stock photo provider.[https://www.alamy.com/stock-photo-assyrian-proverb-the-gods-do-not-subtract-from-the-alloted-span-of-118708187.html]

The variations in wording make it difficult to search for origins. I have doubts about the Assyrian or Babylonian proverbs unless the aphorism appears in ancient written texts, but searching Google Scholar didn't turn up anything. [[User:Anachronist|Anachronist]] ([[User talk:Anachronist|talk]]) 20:02, 26 July 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>1mdpv2w082l9m7nlkxjzxyrdm65747g</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Template:Usertalk other/doc</title>
    <ns>10</ns>
    <id>249677</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147718</id>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T20:13:55Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Write some documentation for this template</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1059" xml:space="preserve">This template detects whether the page it is used on is a user talk page, and outputs different content accordingly.

===Basic usage===

The template takes two parameters, one containing the wikicode to output if used on a user's talkpage, the other containing the wikicode to output if used in any other page. This template can be used to prevent message and warning templates being used on pages other than user talk pages. 

{{Tlc|Usertalk other|''result if on a user talk page''|''result if anywhere else''}}

===Demospace parameter===

The &quot;demospace&quot; parameter can be used to force the template to display the output it would produce on a user talk or other page, regardless of the type of page it is actually used on.

{{tlc|Usertalk other|''result if on a user talk page''|''result if anywhere else''|demospace{{=}}user talk}}

Will force the template to display &lt;code&gt;''result if on a user talk page''&lt;/code&gt;, regardless of which namespace it is actually in.

&lt;includeonly&gt;{{sandbox other||
[[Category:Namespace detection templates]]
}}&lt;/includeonly&gt;</text>
      <sha1>kq1fpqqi21adp847zb9tvsrey5wfpzf</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Template:Error/doc</title>
    <ns>10</ns>
    <id>249678</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147786</id>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T21:16:23Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Write some documentation for this template</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1085" xml:space="preserve">This template allows other templates to output error messages. The error messages produced by this template are recognised as errors by the Mediawiki parser; this means that things like the [[mw:Help:Extension:ParserFunctions##iferror|&lt;code&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;{{#iferror:...&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/code&gt;]] [[mw:Help:Magic_words|magic word]] will treat messages produced by this template as errors when encountered.

=== Basic Usage ===

To produce an error simply provide the text you wish to print as either the first unnamed parameter or the message parameter:

{{Tlc|Error|An example of an error}}

or

{{Tlc|Error|message{{=}}An example of an error}}

produces

{{Error|An example of an error}}

=== Tag parameter ===

The template accepts an optional tag parameter which changes how the error looks. Accepted values are &lt;code&gt;strong&lt;/code&gt; (default, bold red message), &lt;code&gt;span&lt;/code&gt; (normally weight red message), &lt;code&gt;div&lt;/code&gt; (error message on its own line) and &lt;code&gt;p&lt;/code&gt; (error message in its own paragraph).

&lt;includeonly&gt;{{sandbox other||
[[Category:Template templates]]
}}&lt;/includeonly&gt;</text>
      <sha1>ra4bl2rhi5bwajt86zb0b130imqm91c</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Category:Windows video games</title>
    <ns>14</ns>
    <id>249679</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147812</id>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T21:58:52Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Create redlinked category</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="36" xml:space="preserve">[[Category:Video games by platform]]</text>
      <sha1>ehyzkbza1ir038ei6t9d6r7layaly6e</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Category:Botswana Women</title>
    <ns>14</ns>
    <id>249680</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147844</id>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T22:14:41Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Create redlinked category</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="90" xml:space="preserve">[[Category:Women by country]]
[[Category:People from Botswana]]
[[Category:African women]]</text>
      <sha1>aqwiz6s2be916n4ccpgypjd1wc1qgq2</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Template:Basepage subpage/doc</title>
    <ns>10</ns>
    <id>249681</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147864</id>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T22:39:09Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Add some documentation, categorise</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1077" xml:space="preserve">This template detects whether the page it is used on is a subpage, and outputs different content accordingly.

===Basic usage===

The template takes three parameters, one containing the wikicode to output if used on a basepage, the second containing the wikicode to output if used on a subpage, and the third the content to output if used on a subsubpage or lower. The third parameter is optional, if not provided then the second parameter will be provided for subsubpages and lower.

{{Tlc|Talk other|''result if basepage''|''result if subpage''|''result if subsubpage''}}

===page parameter===

The &quot;page&quot; parameter can be used to force the template to display the output it would produce on a specific page, regardless of where the template actually is.

{{Tlc|Talk other|''result if basepage''|''result if subpage''|''result if subsubpage''|''page{{=}}user:example/test''}}

Will force the template to display &lt;code&gt;''result if subpage''&lt;/code&gt;, regardless of where it actually is.

&lt;includeonly&gt;{{sandbox other||
[[Category:Namespace detection templates]]
}}&lt;/includeonly&gt;</text>
      <sha1>rg47zx24gro9k8jmzs84yc15f16o1ww</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147872</id>
      <parentid>3147864</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T22:53:00Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>fix examples</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1089" xml:space="preserve">This template detects whether the page it is used on is a subpage, and outputs different content accordingly.

===Basic usage===

The template takes three parameters, one containing the wikicode to output if used on a basepage, the second containing the wikicode to output if used on a subpage, and the third the content to output if used on a subsubpage or lower. The third parameter is optional, if not provided then the second parameter will be provided for subsubpages and lower.

{{Tlc|Basepage subpage|''result if basepage''|''result if subpage''|''result if subsubpage''}}

===page parameter===

The &quot;page&quot; parameter can be used to force the template to display the output it would produce on a specific page, regardless of where the template actually is.

{{Tlc|Basepage subpage|''result if basepage''|''result if subpage''|''result if subsubpage''|''page{{=}}user:example/test''}}

Will force the template to display &lt;code&gt;''result if subpage''&lt;/code&gt;, regardless of where it actually is.

&lt;includeonly&gt;{{sandbox other||
[[Category:Namespace detection templates]]
}}&lt;/includeonly&gt;</text>
      <sha1>p43kqz4sllagg43rjw1p4bs1bogy519</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Quote of the day/July 27, 2022</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>249682</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147866</id>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T22:44:23Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Kalki</username>
        <id>71</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Created page with &quot;{| style=&quot;background: {{{color}}}&quot; | align=center | [[File:Juliana Hatfield at Double Door, December 2, 2008 (3084913225).jpg|292px]] | align=center | &amp;nbsp; | align=center | {{quote of the day | quote =  &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt;  ''What a [[life]], you wear it like [[propriety]] &lt;br /&gt; What a life, you do it like you really [[Meaning|mean]] it &lt;br /&gt; What a life, I watch it like a scary [[movie]] &lt;br /&gt; What a life, what a life, what a life.'' | author = Juliana Hatfield }}...&quot;</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="569" xml:space="preserve">{| style=&quot;background: {{{color}}}&quot;
| align=center | [[File:Juliana Hatfield at Double Door, December 2, 2008 (3084913225).jpg|292px]]
| align=center | &amp;nbsp;
| align=center | {{quote of the day
| quote =  &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt;  ''What a [[life]], you wear it like [[propriety]] &lt;br /&gt; What a life, you do it like you really [[Meaning|mean]] it &lt;br /&gt; What a life, I watch it like a scary [[movie]] &lt;br /&gt; What a life, what a life, what a life.''
| author = Juliana Hatfield
}}
| align=center | &amp;nbsp;
| align=center | [[File:Juliana Hatfield 2019 (cropped).jpg|292px]]
|}</text>
      <sha1>dgup0fon3rga8qlwa5cgc1fipfix1yf</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3147868</id>
      <parentid>3147866</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T22:46:12Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Kalki</username>
        <id>71</id>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="577" xml:space="preserve">{| style=&quot;background: {{{color}}}&quot;
| align=center | [[File:Juliana Hatfield at Double Door, December 2, 2008 (3084913225).jpg|292px]]
| align=center | &amp;nbsp;
| align=center | {{quote of the day
| quote =  &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt;  ''What a [[life]], you wear it like [[propriety]] &lt;br /&gt; What a life, you do it like you really [[Meaning|mean]] it &lt;br /&gt; What a life, I [[watch]] it like a [[scary]] [[movie]] &lt;br /&gt; What a life, what a life, what a life.''
| author = Juliana Hatfield
}}
| align=center | &amp;nbsp;
| align=center | [[File:Juliana Hatfield 2019 (cropped).jpg|292px]]
|}</text>
      <sha1>blc9bcfqanu9iwgrek012qdzdo7mtes</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Pasquale Paoli</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>249683</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3147873</id>
      <timestamp>2022-07-26T22:56:01Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Coningsby</username>
        <id>10755</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Created page with &quot;[[File:Paoli.png|thumb|]] '''[[w:Pasquale Paoli|Filippo Antonio Pasquale de' Paoli]]''' (6 April 1725 – 5 February 1807) was a [[w:Corsica|Corsica]]n patriot, statesman and military leader who was at the forefront of resistance movements against the [[w:Republic of Genoa|Genoese]] and later [[w:Kingdom of France|French]] rule over the island. He became the president of the Executive Council of the General [[w:Diet (assembly)|Diet]] of the People of Corsica and wrote th...&quot;</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="12524" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Paoli.png|thumb|]]
'''[[w:Pasquale Paoli|Filippo Antonio Pasquale de' Paoli]]''' (6 April 1725 – 5 February 1807) was a [[w:Corsica|Corsica]]n patriot, statesman and military leader who was at the forefront of resistance movements against the [[w:Republic of Genoa|Genoese]] and later [[w:Kingdom of France|French]] rule over the island. He became the president of the Executive Council of the General [[w:Diet (assembly)|Diet]] of the People of Corsica and wrote the [[w:Corsican Constitution|Constitution]] of the state.

==Quotes==
*Make an effort to overcome the fears of old age. Tell me, would you wish to see me at your death-bed knowing in your last moments that your son was a coward and a coward through your advice? Look back over your life. Was not the day of your departure from Corsica the last day of your glory? ... Before you press me on religious sentiments, read and reread the Roman histories and recall to your mind those models you once sought to emulate. With these in your mind you will give me much better counsel.
**Letter to his father, Giacinto Paoli (''c''. 1745), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 52

*I am determined that the &quot;other side of the mountains&quot; must form part of the Corsican State, all Corsica must be free.
**Letter to his father shortly before his return to Corsica (''c''. 1755), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 53

*The island will only know efficient government if the [[w:Vendetta|vendetta]] can be stamped out.
**Statement shortly after he had been proclaimed General (''c''. July 1755), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 59

*The vendetta is finished. The old, happy, carefree festivals of the villages which have been abandoned for so long can now be resumed.
**Statement (February 1756), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 63

*Though the Altar should nourish its ministers, the [[w:Tithe|tithes]] of those who fail to serve that Altar are the property of the poor.
**Statement after the Pope deprived Corsican bishops of their sees and left them vacant (''c''. 1760), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 71

*My countrymen, Liberty does not go to confession: we leave distinctions of that kind to the [[w:Inquisition|Inquisitors]] of the [[w:Holy Office|Holy Office]]; we have a law here which says that any honest man who lives on the soil of our country is able to take part in the nomination of his magistrates and his representatives: you should obey that law.
**Reply to a deputation from Isola Rossa before the elections to the Cosulta, who had asked Paoli whether a Jew who had settled in Isola Rossa should be allowed to vote (1762), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 80

*Your fellow citizens in electing you to represent them at this Consulta have placed their dearest interests in your hands. You know their needs, you share their sympathies, and their customs: so examine your consciences, enlighten each other by frank discussion, and be convinced that the resolutions you will take together will become the law of the land, because what they represent will be the sincere expression of the will of the country. Gentleman, let us search our our good together, and work hard to assure the well-being of our community; let us strive calmly and intelligently to undo our enemies' plans which, as you have already seen, count on our divisions to destroy us. We have never yet been defeated and now victory has once more alighted on our standard; but recent events reveal the need of all true patriots to be ever vigilant and ready to oppose the enemies of our State. Let each one of us remember what he owes to his country and resolve that he will seek his own good only in the good of all.
**Opening address to the Cosulta in Corte (23 May 1762), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), pp. 78-79
[[File:Pasquale Paoli by W Beckey.jpg|thumb|]]
*Already our nation has shown how little claim the Genoese had to our island. All the powers of Europe, especially France, have recognised us in practice as a free and independent people So France has treated us, until the last few years. Even if Genoa had possessed the sovereignty she falsely claimed would she now be able to transfer it to another nation without the consent of those she professed to govern? She has no right to do so, for the basis of sovereignty is the people.
**Reply to the [[w:François Claude Chauvelin|Marquis de Chauvelin]]'s proclamation during the [[w:French conquest of Corsica|French conquest of Corsica]] (1768), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 125

*Let each take up his appointed position. We will show them that we are not to be treated like a flock of old sheep bought in a market place, for that is what they are trying to do. Always there have been strangers between ourselves and the Genoese, preventing us from a decision by negotiating or by the force of our arms, and always, as a result, Justice and Honour have been trampled in the mud. Now we are face to face with our last enemy. Citizens, I know the danger is great but I know, too, we are not accustomed to count the number of our foes.
**Proclamation (1768), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), pp. 125-126

*The countryside of [[France]] is cultivated but the masses there have no return from their labours. There are more cooking pots and kitchen spits in [[England]], [[Switzerland]] and [[Netherlands|Holland]] than in all the rest of Europe. In those places you do not see a ragged man or an emaciated countenance. The miracles of Liberty are more frequent, more grand and more useful than those of [[w:Anthony of Padua|Saint Anthony of Padua]].
**Letter (1 August 1787), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 172

*This nomination belongs to you, gentlemen. Are you eagewr so soon to give up your privileges? If I do not abuse the confidence with which you honour me today, someone else will abuse it tomorrow. Nature has provided you with abundant reason and good sense and you would be wise always to use them and look with a certain suspicion on power vested in a single individual.
**Remarks at the Congress of Orezza opposing the resolution that proposed that Paoli should designate two Commissioners who would carry to Paris the thanks of the National Assembly for the freedom and the institutions that the French had granted them (9 September 1790), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 216

*It's not because I am proud, gentlemen, that I refuse your generous offer. But the state of our public finances forbids you to be so free with your money. The public good always comes before private interest.
**Remarks at the Congress of Orezza opposing the National Assembly's proposal to provide Paoli with an annual pension of 50,000 francs (9 September 1790), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), pp. 216-217

*Some have called me a tyrant. Well, if they come here they will find that, far from Corsica being a despotism, we have a government here which would serve as a model for any Department in France. Those who call me despot are those who fear me as an obstacle to their partisan and privy projects.
**Statement (''c''. February 1793), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 261

*But what is [Bartolomeo] Arena but a four-day patriot? I drank in liberty with my other's milk, but they and their connections whirl about with every wind. My patriotism is of long standing. I have been a patriot for 65 years. I am hardly likely to submit to the censure of slaves who have known liberty for only three.
**Reply to the report of [[w:Étienne Clavière|Étienne Clavière]], which stated that of all the Departments of France, Corsica contributed least to the national good (''c''. February 1793), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 262

*We are brothers and not subjects. If our loyalty is proved the Commissioners ought not to arraign themselves against us. Certainly our people will not suffer arbitrary power and he abuse of authority under a Republican constitution. The Corsican people cannot be reconciled to despotism.
**Letter to [[w:Antoine Christophe Saliceti|Antoine Christophe Saliceti]] (''c''. March 1793), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), pp. 264-265

*French enthusiasm is a vapour. If someone writes an article, if someone speaks in a club, if a few hot heads present an address to the [[w:National Convention|Convention]], then down goes the altar set up to today's idol and the string is ripped from the garlands to form a noose for his neck. The ''lanterne'' is not far from the Pantheon. If [[Benjamin Franklin|Franklin]] with his buckleless shoes and leather-stripped breeches arrived in France today, his sober dress would not save him from being hanged as an aristocrat. He would be a diversion, not to the elegant ladies of Versailles, but to the murderous shrews at the foot of the [[w:Guillotine|guillotine]].
**Remarks to Antoine Christophe Saliceti (''c''. April 1793), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), pp. 267-268

==Undated==
*Religion is an essential part of public order. Without a belief in God we would soon loose our confidence in victory.
**Statement, quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 58

*Every Corsican should be a soldier enlisted in the Militia, ready to defend his country: but outside these duties he ought to cultivate the land.
**Statement, quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 65

*In a country which wishes to remain free, every citizen must be a soldier, and hold himself always ready to arm himself for the defence of his rights. Disciplined troops act more in the interest of despotism than of freedom. [[Rome]] ceased to be free on the day on which she had paid soldiers, and the invincible phalanxes of [[w:Sparta|Sparta]] were formed from a [[w:Levée en masse|levy ''en masse'']]. Lastly, as soon as there is a [[w:Standing army|standing army]], an ''esprit de corps'' is formed; people speak of the valour of this or that regiment, of this or that company. These are more serious evils than is commonly supposed; and it is good to avoid them as much as possible. We ought to speak of the firm resolve manifested by this or that commune, of the self-sacrifice of the members of this or that family, of the valour of the citizens of so-and-so; in this manner is the emulation of a free nation roused. When our manners shall be as refined as they ought to be, our whole nation will be disciplined, and our militia invincible.
**Statement, quoted in Ferdinand Gregorovius, ''Corsica in Its Picturesque, Social, and Historical Aspects: The Record of a Tour in the Summer of 1852'', translated by Russell Martineau (1855), p. 84

==Quotes about Pasquale Paoli==
*You would have been much pleased, I am sure, by meeting with General Paoli, who spent the day there, and was extremely communicative and agreeable. I had seen him in large companies, but was never made known to him before; nevertheless, he conversed with me as if well acquainted not only with myself, but my connexions,—inquiring of me when I had last seen [[w:Elizabeth Montagu|Mrs. Montagu]]? and calling Sir [[Joshua Reynolds]], when he spoke of him, my friend. He is a very pleasing man, tall and genteel in his person, remarkably well bred, and very mild and soft in his manners.
**[[w:Frances Burney|Frances Burney]] to Mr. Crisp (15 October 1782), quoted in Frances Burney, ''Diary and Letters of Madame d'Arblay, Vol. II. 1781—1786'' (1842), p. 155

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Paoli, Pasquale}}
[[Category:1725 births]]
[[Category:1807 deaths]]
[[Category:Fellows of the Royal Society]]</text>
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'''[[w:Pasquale Paoli|Filippo Antonio Pasquale de' Paoli]]''' (6 April 1725 – 5 February 1807) was a [[w:Corsica|Corsica]]n patriot, statesman and military leader who was at the forefront of resistance movements against the [[w:Republic of Genoa|Genoese]] and later [[w:Kingdom of France|French]] rule over the island. He became the president of the Executive Council of the General [[w:Diet (assembly)|Diet]] of the People of Corsica and wrote the [[w:Corsican Constitution|Constitution]] of the state.

==Quotes==
*Make an effort to overcome the fears of old age. Tell me, would you wish to see me at your death-bed knowing in your last moments that your son was a coward and a coward through your advice? Look back over your life. Was not the day of your departure from Corsica the last day of your glory? ... Before you press me on religious sentiments, read and reread the Roman histories and recall to your mind those models you once sought to emulate. With these in your mind you will give me much better counsel.
**Letter to his father, Giacinto Paoli (''c''. 1745), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 52

*I am determined that the &quot;other side of the mountains&quot; must form part of the Corsican State, all Corsica must be free.
**Letter to his father shortly before his return to Corsica (''c''. 1755), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 53

*The island will only know efficient government if the [[w:Vendetta|vendetta]] can be stamped out.
**Statement shortly after he had been proclaimed General (''c''. July 1755), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 59

*The vendetta is finished. The old, happy, carefree festivals of the villages which have been abandoned for so long can now be resumed.
**Statement (February 1756), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 63

*Though the Altar should nourish its ministers, the [[w:Tithe|tithes]] of those who fail to serve that Altar are the property of the poor.
**Statement after the Pope deprived Corsican bishops of their sees and left them vacant (''c''. 1760), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 71

*My countrymen, Liberty does not go to confession: we leave distinctions of that kind to the [[w:Inquisition|Inquisitors]] of the [[w:Holy Office|Holy Office]]; we have a law here which says that any honest man who lives on the soil of our country is able to take part in the nomination of his magistrates and his representatives: you should obey that law.
**Reply to a deputation from Isola Rossa before the elections to the Cosulta, who had asked Paoli whether a Jew who had settled in Isola Rossa should be allowed to vote (1762), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 80

*Your fellow citizens in electing you to represent them at this Consulta have placed their dearest interests in your hands. You know their needs, you share their sympathies, and their customs: so examine your consciences, enlighten each other by frank discussion, and be convinced that the resolutions you will take together will become the law of the land, because what they represent will be the sincere expression of the will of the country. Gentleman, let us search our our good together, and work hard to assure the well-being of our community; let us strive calmly and intelligently to undo our enemies' plans which, as you have already seen, count on our divisions to destroy us. We have never yet been defeated and now victory has once more alighted on our standard; but recent events reveal the need of all true patriots to be ever vigilant and ready to oppose the enemies of our State. Let each one of us remember what he owes to his country and resolve that he will seek his own good only in the good of all.
**Opening address to the Cosulta in Corte (23 May 1762), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), pp. 78-79
[[File:Pasquale Paoli by W Beckey.jpg|thumb|]]
*Already our nation has shown how little claim the Genoese had to our island. All the powers of Europe, especially France, have recognised us in practice as a free and independent people. So France has treated us, until the last few years. Even if Genoa had possessed the sovereignty she falsely claimed would she now be able to transfer it to another nation without the consent of those she professed to govern? She has no right to do so, for the basis of sovereignty is the people.
**Reply to the [[w:François Claude Chauvelin|Marquis de Chauvelin]]'s proclamation during the [[w:French conquest of Corsica|French conquest of Corsica]] (1768), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 125

*Let each take up his appointed position. We will show them that we are not to be treated like a flock of old sheep bought in a market place, for that is what they are trying to do. Always there have been strangers between ourselves and the Genoese, preventing us from a decision by negotiating or by the force of our arms, and always, as a result, Justice and Honour have been trampled in the mud. Now we are face to face with our last enemy. Citizens, I know the danger is great but I know, too, we are not accustomed to count the number of our foes.
**Proclamation (1768), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), pp. 125-126

*The countryside of [[France]] is cultivated but the masses there have no return from their labours. There are more cooking pots and kitchen spits in [[England]], [[Switzerland]] and [[Netherlands|Holland]] than in all the rest of Europe. In those places you do not see a ragged man or an emaciated countenance. The miracles of Liberty are more frequent, more grand and more useful than those of [[w:Anthony of Padua|Saint Anthony of Padua]].
**Letter (1 August 1787), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 172

*This nomination belongs to you, gentlemen. Are you eagewr so soon to give up your privileges? If I do not abuse the confidence with which you honour me today, someone else will abuse it tomorrow. Nature has provided you with abundant reason and good sense and you would be wise always to use them and look with a certain suspicion on power vested in a single individual.
**Remarks at the Congress of Orezza opposing the resolution that proposed that Paoli should designate two Commissioners who would carry to Paris the thanks of the National Assembly for the freedom and the institutions that the French had granted them (9 September 1790), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 216

*It's not because I am proud, gentlemen, that I refuse your generous offer. But the state of our public finances forbids you to be so free with your money. The public good always comes before private interest.
**Remarks at the Congress of Orezza opposing the National Assembly's proposal to provide Paoli with an annual pension of 50,000 francs (9 September 1790), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), pp. 216-217

*Some have called me a tyrant. Well, if they come here they will find that, far from Corsica being a despotism, we have a government here which would serve as a model for any Department in France. Those who call me despot are those who fear me as an obstacle to their partisan and privy projects.
**Statement (''c''. February 1793), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 261

*But what is [Bartolomeo] Arena but a four-day patriot? I drank in liberty with my other's milk, but they and their connections whirl about with every wind. My patriotism is of long standing. I have been a patriot for 65 years. I am hardly likely to submit to the censure of slaves who have known liberty for only three.
**Reply to the report of [[w:Étienne Clavière|Étienne Clavière]], which stated that of all the Departments of France, Corsica contributed least to the national good (''c''. February 1793), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 262

*We are brothers and not subjects. If our loyalty is proved the Commissioners ought not to arraign themselves against us. Certainly our people will not suffer arbitrary power and he abuse of authority under a Republican constitution. The Corsican people cannot be reconciled to despotism.
**Letter to [[w:Antoine Christophe Saliceti|Antoine Christophe Saliceti]] (''c''. March 1793), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), pp. 264-265

*French enthusiasm is a vapour. If someone writes an article, if someone speaks in a club, if a few hot heads present an address to the [[w:National Convention|Convention]], then down goes the altar set up to today's idol and the string is ripped from the garlands to form a noose for his neck. The ''lanterne'' is not far from the Pantheon. If [[Benjamin Franklin|Franklin]] with his buckleless shoes and leather-stripped breeches arrived in France today, his sober dress would not save him from being hanged as an aristocrat. He would be a diversion, not to the elegant ladies of Versailles, but to the murderous shrews at the foot of the [[w:Guillotine|guillotine]].
**Remarks to Antoine Christophe Saliceti (''c''. April 1793), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), pp. 267-268

==Undated==
*Religion is an essential part of public order. Without a belief in God we would soon loose our confidence in victory.
**Statement, quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 58

*Every Corsican should be a soldier enlisted in the Militia, ready to defend his country: but outside these duties he ought to cultivate the land.
**Statement, quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 65

*In a country which wishes to remain free, every citizen must be a soldier, and hold himself always ready to arm himself for the defence of his rights. Disciplined troops act more in the interest of despotism than of freedom. [[Rome]] ceased to be free on the day on which she had paid soldiers, and the invincible phalanxes of [[w:Sparta|Sparta]] were formed from a [[w:Levée en masse|levy ''en masse'']]. Lastly, as soon as there is a [[w:Standing army|standing army]], an ''esprit de corps'' is formed; people speak of the valour of this or that regiment, of this or that company. These are more serious evils than is commonly supposed; and it is good to avoid them as much as possible. We ought to speak of the firm resolve manifested by this or that commune, of the self-sacrifice of the members of this or that family, of the valour of the citizens of so-and-so; in this manner is the emulation of a free nation roused. When our manners shall be as refined as they ought to be, our whole nation will be disciplined, and our militia invincible.
**Statement, quoted in Ferdinand Gregorovius, ''Corsica in Its Picturesque, Social, and Historical Aspects: The Record of a Tour in the Summer of 1852'', translated by Russell Martineau (1855), p. 84

==Quotes about Pasquale Paoli==
*You would have been much pleased, I am sure, by meeting with General Paoli, who spent the day there, and was extremely communicative and agreeable. I had seen him in large companies, but was never made known to him before; nevertheless, he conversed with me as if well acquainted not only with myself, but my connexions,—inquiring of me when I had last seen [[w:Elizabeth Montagu|Mrs. Montagu]]? and calling Sir [[Joshua Reynolds]], when he spoke of him, my friend. He is a very pleasing man, tall and genteel in his person, remarkably well bred, and very mild and soft in his manners.
**[[w:Frances Burney|Frances Burney]] to Mr. Crisp (15 October 1782), quoted in Frances Burney, ''Diary and Letters of Madame d'Arblay, Vol. II. 1781—1786'' (1842), p. 155

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Paoli, Pasquale}}
[[Category:1725 births]]
[[Category:1807 deaths]]
[[Category:Fellows of the Royal Society]]</text>
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'''[[w:Pasquale Paoli|Filippo Antonio Pasquale de' Paoli]]''' (6 April 1725 – 5 February 1807) was a [[w:Corsica|Corsica]]n patriot, statesman and military leader who was at the forefront of resistance movements against the [[w:Republic of Genoa|Genoese]] and later [[w:Kingdom of France|French]] rule over the island. He became the president of the Executive Council of the General [[w:Diet (assembly)|Diet]] of the People of Corsica and wrote the [[w:Corsican Constitution|Constitution]] of the state.

==Quotes==
*Make an effort to overcome the fears of old age. Tell me, would you wish to see me at your death-bed knowing in your last moments that your son was a coward and a coward through your advice? Look back over your life. Was not the day of your departure from Corsica the last day of your glory? ... Before you press me on religious sentiments, read and reread the Roman histories and recall to your mind those models you once sought to emulate. With these in your mind you will give me much better counsel.
**Letter to his father, Giacinto Paoli (''c''. 1745), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 52

*I am determined that the &quot;other side of the mountains&quot; must form part of the Corsican State, all Corsica must be free.
**Letter to his father shortly before his return to Corsica (''c''. 1755), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 53

*The island will only know efficient government if the [[w:Vendetta|vendetta]] can be stamped out.
**Statement shortly after he had been proclaimed General (''c''. July 1755), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 59

*The vendetta is finished. The old, happy, carefree festivals of the villages which have been abandoned for so long can now be resumed.
**Statement (February 1756), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 63

*Though the Altar should nourish its ministers, the [[w:Tithe|tithes]] of those who fail to serve that Altar are the property of the poor.
**Statement after the Pope deprived Corsican bishops of their sees and left them vacant (''c''. 1760), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 71

*My countrymen, Liberty does not go to confession: we leave distinctions of that kind to the [[w:Inquisition|Inquisitors]] of the [[w:Holy Office|Holy Office]]; we have a law here which says that any honest man who lives on the soil of our country is able to take part in the nomination of his magistrates and his representatives: you should obey that law.
**Reply to a deputation from Isola Rossa before the elections to the Cosulta, who had asked Paoli whether a Jew who had settled in Isola Rossa should be allowed to vote (1762), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 80

*Your fellow citizens in electing you to represent them at this Consulta have placed their dearest interests in your hands. You know their needs, you share their sympathies, and their customs: so examine your consciences, enlighten each other by frank discussion, and be convinced that the resolutions you will take together will become the law of the land, because what they represent will be the sincere expression of the will of the country. Gentleman, let us search our our good together, and work hard to assure the well-being of our community; let us strive calmly and intelligently to undo our enemies' plans which, as you have already seen, count on our divisions to destroy us. We have never yet been defeated and now victory has once more alighted on our standard; but recent events reveal the need of all true patriots to be ever vigilant and ready to oppose the enemies of our State. Let each one of us remember what he owes to his country and resolve that he will seek his own good only in the good of all.
**Opening address to the Cosulta in Corte (23 May 1762), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), pp. 78-79
[[File:Pasquale Paoli by W Beckey.jpg|thumb|]]
*Already our nation has shown how little claim the Genoese had to our island. All the powers of Europe, especially France, have recognised us in practice as a free and independent people. So France has treated us, until the last few years. Even if Genoa had possessed the sovereignty she falsely claimed would she now be able to transfer it to another nation without the consent of those she professed to govern? She has no right to do so, for the basis of sovereignty is the people.
**Reply to the [[w:François Claude Chauvelin|Marquis de Chauvelin]]'s proclamation during the [[w:French conquest of Corsica|French conquest of Corsica]] (1768), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 125

*Let each take up his appointed position. We will show them that we are not to be treated like a flock of old sheep bought in a market place, for that is what they are trying to do. Always there have been strangers between ourselves and the Genoese, preventing us from a decision by negotiating or by the force of our arms, and always, as a result, Justice and Honour have been trampled in the mud. Now we are face to face with our last enemy. Citizens, I know the danger is great but I know, too, we are not accustomed to count the number of our foes.
**Proclamation (1768), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), pp. 125-126

*The countryside of [[France]] is cultivated but the masses there have no return from their labours. There are more cooking pots and kitchen spits in [[England]], [[Switzerland]] and [[Netherlands|Holland]] than in all the rest of Europe. In those places you do not see a ragged man or an emaciated countenance. The miracles of Liberty are more frequent, more grand and more useful than those of [[w:Anthony of Padua|Saint Anthony of Padua]].
**Letter (1 August 1787), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 172

*This nomination belongs to you, gentlemen. Are you eager so soon to give up your privileges? If I do not abuse the confidence with which you honour me today, someone else will abuse it tomorrow. Nature has provided you with abundant reason and good sense and you would be wise always to use them and look with a certain suspicion on power vested in a single individual.
**Remarks at the Congress of Orezza opposing the resolution that proposed that Paoli should designate two Commissioners who would carry to Paris the thanks of the National Assembly for the freedom and the institutions that the French had granted them (9 September 1790), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 216

*It's not because I am proud, gentlemen, that I refuse your generous offer. But the state of our public finances forbids you to be so free with your money. '''The public good always comes before private interest.'''
**Remarks at the Congress of Orezza opposing the National Assembly's proposal to provide Paoli with an annual pension of 50,000 francs (9 September 1790), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), pp. 216-217

*Some have called me a tyrant. Well, if they come here they will find that, far from Corsica being a despotism, we have a government here which would serve as a model for any [[w:Departments of France|Department]] in France. Those who call me despot are those who fear me as an obstacle to their partisan and privy projects.
**Statement (''c''. February 1793), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 261

*But what is [Bartolomeo] Arena but a four-day patriot? I drank in liberty with my mother's milk, but they and their connections whirl about with every wind. My [[patriotism]] is of long standing. I have been a patriot for 65 years. I am hardly likely to submit to the censure of slaves who have known liberty for only three.
**Reply to the report of [[w:Étienne Clavière|Étienne Clavière]], which stated that of all the Departments of France, Corsica contributed least to the national good (''c''. February 1793), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 262

*We are brothers and not subjects. If our loyalty is proved the Commissioners ought not to arraign themselves against us. Certainly our people will not suffer arbitrary power and he abuse of authority under a Republican constitution. '''The Corsican people cannot be reconciled to despotism.'''
**Letter to [[w:Antoine Christophe Saliceti|Antoine Christophe Saliceti]] (''c''. March 1793), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), pp. 264-265

*French enthusiasm is a vapour. If someone writes an article, if someone speaks in a club, if a few hot heads present an address to the [[w:National Convention|Convention]], then down goes the altar set up to today's idol and the string is ripped from the garlands to form a noose for his neck. The ''lanterne'' is not far from the Pantheon. If [[Benjamin Franklin|Franklin]] with his buckleless shoes and leather-stripped breeches arrived in France today, his sober dress would not save him from being hanged as an aristocrat. He would be a diversion, not to the elegant ladies of Versailles, but to the murderous shrews at the foot of the [[w:Guillotine|guillotine]].
**Remarks to Antoine Christophe Saliceti (''c''. April 1793), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), pp. 267-268

==Undated==
*Religion is an essential part of public order. Without a belief in God we would soon loose our confidence in victory.
**Statement, quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 58

*Every Corsican should be a soldier enlisted in the Militia, ready to defend his country: but outside these duties he ought to cultivate the land.
**Statement, quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 65

*In a country which wishes to remain free, every citizen must be a soldier, and hold himself always ready to arm himself for the defence of his rights. Disciplined troops act more in the interest of despotism than of freedom. [[Rome]] ceased to be free on the day on which she had paid soldiers, and the invincible phalanxes of [[w:Sparta|Sparta]] were formed from a [[w:Levée en masse|levy ''en masse'']]. Lastly, as soon as there is a [[w:Standing army|standing army]], an ''esprit de corps'' is formed; people speak of the valour of this or that regiment, of this or that company. These are more serious evils than is commonly supposed; and it is good to avoid them as much as possible. We ought to speak of the firm resolve manifested by this or that commune, of the self-sacrifice of the members of this or that family, of the valour of the citizens of so-and-so; in this manner is the emulation of a free nation roused. When our manners shall be as refined as they ought to be, our whole nation will be disciplined, and our militia invincible.
**Statement, quoted in Ferdinand Gregorovius, ''Corsica in Its Picturesque, Social, and Historical Aspects: The Record of a Tour in the Summer of 1852'', translated by Russell Martineau (1855), p. 84

==Quotes about Pasquale Paoli==
*You would have been much pleased, I am sure, by meeting with General Paoli, who spent the day there, and was extremely communicative and agreeable. I had seen him in large companies, but was never made known to him before; nevertheless, he conversed with me as if well acquainted not only with myself, but my connexions,—inquiring of me when I had last seen [[w:Elizabeth Montagu|Mrs. Montagu]]? and calling Sir [[Joshua Reynolds]], when he spoke of him, my friend. He is a very pleasing man, tall and genteel in his person, remarkably well bred, and very mild and soft in his manners.
**[[w:Frances Burney|Frances Burney]] to Mr. Crisp (15 October 1782), quoted in Frances Burney, ''Diary and Letters of Madame d'Arblay, Vol. II. 1781—1786'' (1842), p. 155

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Paoli, Pasquale}}
[[Category:1725 births]]
[[Category:1807 deaths]]
[[Category:Fellows of the Royal Society]]</text>
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'''[[w:Pasquale Paoli|Filippo Antonio Pasquale de' Paoli]]''' (6 April 1725 – 5 February 1807) was a [[w:Corsica|Corsica]]n patriot, statesman and military leader who was at the forefront of resistance movements against the [[w:Republic of Genoa|Genoese]] and later [[w:Kingdom of France|French]] rule over the island. He became the president of the Executive Council of the General [[w:Diet (assembly)|Diet]] of the People of Corsica and wrote the [[w:Corsican Constitution|Constitution]] of the state.

==Quotes==
*Make an effort to overcome the fears of old age. Tell me, would you wish to see me at your death-bed knowing in your last moments that your son was a coward and a coward through your advice? Look back over your life. Was not the day of your departure from Corsica the last day of your glory? ... Before you press me on religious sentiments, read and reread the Roman histories and recall to your mind those models you once sought to emulate. With these in your mind you will give me much better counsel.
**Letter to his father, Giacinto Paoli (''c''. 1745), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 52

*I am determined that the &quot;other side of the mountains&quot; must form part of the Corsican State, all Corsica must be free.
**Letter to his father shortly before his return to Corsica (''c''. 1755), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 53

*The island will only know efficient government if the [[w:Vendetta|vendetta]] can be stamped out.
**Statement shortly after he had been proclaimed General (''c''. July 1755), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 59

*The vendetta is finished. The old, happy, carefree festivals of the villages which have been abandoned for so long can now be resumed.
**Statement (February 1756), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 63

*Though the Altar should nourish its ministers, the [[w:Tithe|tithes]] of those who fail to serve that Altar are the property of the poor.
**Statement after the Pope deprived Corsican bishops of their sees and left them vacant (''c''. 1760), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 71

*My countrymen, Liberty does not go to confession: we leave distinctions of that kind to the [[w:Inquisition|Inquisitors]] of the [[w:Holy Office|Holy Office]]; we have a law here which says that any honest man who lives on the soil of our country is able to take part in the nomination of his magistrates and his representatives: you should obey that law.
**Reply to a deputation from Isola Rossa before the elections to the Cosulta, who had asked Paoli whether a Jew who had settled in Isola Rossa should be allowed to vote (1762), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 80

*Your fellow citizens in electing you to represent them at this Consulta have placed their dearest interests in your hands. You know their needs, you share their sympathies, and their customs: so examine your consciences, enlighten each other by frank discussion, and be convinced that the resolutions you will take together will become the law of the land, because what they represent will be the sincere expression of the will of the country. Gentleman, let us search our our good together, and work hard to assure the well-being of our community; let us strive calmly and intelligently to undo our enemies' plans which, as you have already seen, count on our divisions to destroy us. We have never yet been defeated and now victory has once more alighted on our standard; but recent events reveal the need of all true patriots to be ever vigilant and ready to oppose the enemies of our State. Let each one of us remember what he owes to his country and resolve that he will seek his own good only in the good of all.
**Opening address to the Cosulta in Corte (23 May 1762), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), pp. 78-79
[[File:Pasquale Paoli by W Beckey.jpg|thumb|]]
*Already our nation has shown how little claim the Genoese had to our island. All the powers of Europe, especially France, have recognised us in practice as a free and independent people. So France has treated us, until the last few years. Even if Genoa had possessed the sovereignty she falsely claimed would she now be able to transfer it to another nation without the consent of those she professed to govern? She has no right to do so, for the basis of sovereignty is the people.
**Reply to the [[w:François Claude Chauvelin|Marquis de Chauvelin]]'s proclamation during the [[w:French conquest of Corsica|French conquest of Corsica]] (1768), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 125

*Let each take up his appointed position. We will show them that we are not to be treated like a flock of old sheep bought in a market place, for that is what they are trying to do. Always there have been strangers between ourselves and the Genoese, preventing us from a decision by negotiating or by the force of our arms, and always, as a result, Justice and Honour have been trampled in the mud. Now we are face to face with our last enemy. Citizens, I know the danger is great but I know, too, we are not accustomed to count the number of our foes.
**Proclamation (1768), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), pp. 125-126

*The countryside of [[France]] is cultivated but the masses there have no return from their labours. There are more cooking pots and kitchen spits in [[England]], [[Switzerland]] and [[Netherlands|Holland]] than in all the rest of Europe. In those places you do not see a ragged man or an emaciated countenance. The miracles of Liberty are more frequent, more grand and more useful than those of [[w:Anthony of Padua|Saint Anthony of Padua]].
**Letter (1 August 1787), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 172

*This nomination belongs to you, gentlemen. Are you eager so soon to give up your privileges? If I do not abuse the confidence with which you honour me today, someone else will abuse it tomorrow. Nature has provided you with abundant reason and good sense and you would be wise always to use them and look with a certain suspicion on power vested in a single individual.
**Remarks at the Congress of Orezza opposing the resolution that proposed that Paoli should designate two Commissioners who would carry to Paris the thanks of the National Assembly for the freedom and the institutions that the French had granted them (9 September 1790), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 216

*It's not because I am proud, gentlemen, that I refuse your generous offer. But the state of our public finances forbids you to be so free with your money. '''The public good always comes before private interest.'''
**Remarks at the Congress of Orezza opposing the National Assembly's proposal to provide Paoli with an annual pension of 50,000 francs (9 September 1790), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), pp. 216-217

*Some have called me a tyrant. Well, if they come here they will find that, far from Corsica being a despotism, we have a government here which would serve as a model for any [[w:Departments of France|Department]] in France. Those who call me despot are those who fear me as an obstacle to their partisan and privy projects.
**Statement (''c''. February 1793), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 261

*But what is [Bartolomeo] Arena but a four-day patriot? I drank in liberty with my mother's milk, but they and their connections whirl about with every wind. My [[patriotism]] is of long standing. I have been a patriot for 65 years. I am hardly likely to submit to the censure of slaves who have known liberty for only three.
**Reply to the report of [[w:Étienne Clavière|Étienne Clavière]], which stated that of all the Departments of France, Corsica contributed least to the national good (''c''. February 1793), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 262

*We are brothers and not subjects. If our loyalty is proved the Commissioners ought not to arraign themselves against us. Certainly our people will not suffer arbitrary power and he abuse of authority under a Republican constitution. '''The Corsican people cannot be reconciled to despotism.'''
**Letter to [[w:Antoine Christophe Saliceti|Antoine Christophe Saliceti]] (''c''. March 1793), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), pp. 264-265

*French enthusiasm is a vapour. If someone writes an article, if someone speaks in a club, if a few hot heads present an address to the [[w:National Convention|Convention]], then down goes the altar set up to today's idol and the string is ripped from the garlands to form a noose for his neck. The ''[[w:À la lanterne|lanterne]]'' is not far from the [[w:Panthéon|Pantheon]]. If [[Benjamin Franklin|Franklin]] with his buckleless shoes and leather-stripped breeches arrived in France today, his sober dress would not save him from being hanged as an aristocrat. He would be a diversion, not to the elegant ladies of Versailles, but to the murderous shrews at the foot of the [[w:Guillotine|guillotine]].
**Remarks to Antoine Christophe Saliceti (''c''. April 1793), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), pp. 267-268

==Undated==
*Religion is an essential part of public order. Without a belief in God we would soon loose our confidence in victory.
**Statement, quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 58

*Every Corsican should be a soldier enlisted in the Militia, ready to defend his country: but outside these duties he ought to cultivate the land.
**Statement, quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 65

*In a country which wishes to remain free, every citizen must be a soldier, and hold himself always ready to arm himself for the defence of his rights. Disciplined troops act more in the interest of despotism than of freedom. [[Rome]] ceased to be free on the day on which she had paid soldiers, and the invincible phalanxes of [[w:Sparta|Sparta]] were formed from a [[w:Levée en masse|levy ''en masse'']]. Lastly, as soon as there is a [[w:Standing army|standing army]], an ''esprit de corps'' is formed; people speak of the valour of this or that regiment, of this or that company. These are more serious evils than is commonly supposed; and it is good to avoid them as much as possible. We ought to speak of the firm resolve manifested by this or that commune, of the self-sacrifice of the members of this or that family, of the valour of the citizens of so-and-so; in this manner is the emulation of a free nation roused. When our manners shall be as refined as they ought to be, our whole nation will be disciplined, and our militia invincible.
**Statement, quoted in Ferdinand Gregorovius, ''Corsica in Its Picturesque, Social, and Historical Aspects: The Record of a Tour in the Summer of 1852'', translated by Russell Martineau (1855), p. 84

==Quotes about Pasquale Paoli==
*You would have been much pleased, I am sure, by meeting with General Paoli, who spent the day there, and was extremely communicative and agreeable. I had seen him in large companies, but was never made known to him before; nevertheless, he conversed with me as if well acquainted not only with myself, but my connexions,—inquiring of me when I had last seen [[w:Elizabeth Montagu|Mrs. Montagu]]? and calling Sir [[Joshua Reynolds]], when he spoke of him, my friend. He is a very pleasing man, tall and genteel in his person, remarkably well bred, and very mild and soft in his manners.
**[[w:Frances Burney|Frances Burney]] to Mr. Crisp (15 October 1782), quoted in Frances Burney, ''Diary and Letters of Madame d'Arblay, Vol. II. 1781—1786'' (1842), p. 155

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Paoli, Pasquale}}
[[Category:1725 births]]
[[Category:1807 deaths]]
[[Category:Fellows of the Royal Society]]</text>
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'''[[w:Pasquale Paoli|Filippo Antonio Pasquale de' Paoli]]''' (6 April 1725 – 5 February 1807) was a [[w:Corsica|Corsica]]n patriot, statesman and military leader who was at the forefront of resistance movements against the [[w:Republic of Genoa|Genoese]] and later [[w:Kingdom of France|French]] rule over the island. He became the president of the Executive Council of the General [[w:Diet (assembly)|Diet]] of the People of Corsica and wrote the [[w:Corsican Constitution|Constitution]] of the state.

==Quotes==
*Make an effort to overcome the fears of old age. Tell me, would you wish to see me at your death-bed knowing in your last moments that your son was a coward and a coward through your advice? Look back over your life. Was not the day of your departure from Corsica the last day of your glory? ... Before you press me on religious sentiments, read and reread the Roman histories and recall to your mind those models you once sought to emulate. With these in your mind you will give me much better counsel.
**Letter to his father, Giacinto Paoli (''c''. 1745), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 52

*I am determined that the &quot;other side of the mountains&quot; must form part of the Corsican State, all Corsica must be free.
**Letter to his father shortly before his return to Corsica (''c''. 1755), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 53

*The island will only know efficient government if the [[w:Vendetta|vendetta]] can be stamped out.
**Statement shortly after he had been proclaimed General (''c''. July 1755), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 59

*The vendetta is finished. The old, happy, carefree festivals of the villages which have been abandoned for so long can now be resumed.
**Statement (February 1756), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 63

*Though the Altar should nourish its ministers, the [[w:Tithe|tithes]] of those who fail to serve that Altar are the property of the poor.
**Statement after the Pope deprived Corsican bishops of their sees and left them vacant (''c''. 1760), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 71

*My countrymen, Liberty does not go to confession: we leave distinctions of that kind to the [[w:Inquisition|Inquisitors]] of the [[w:Holy Office|Holy Office]]; we have a law here which says that any honest man who lives on the soil of our country is able to take part in the nomination of his magistrates and his representatives: you should obey that law.
**Reply to a deputation from Isola Rossa before the elections to the Cosulta, who had asked Paoli whether a Jew who had settled in Isola Rossa should be allowed to vote (1762), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 80

*Your fellow citizens in electing you to represent them at this Consulta have placed their dearest interests in your hands. You know their needs, you share their sympathies, and their customs: so examine your consciences, enlighten each other by frank discussion, and be convinced that the resolutions you will take together will become the law of the land, because what they represent will be the sincere expression of the will of the country. Gentleman, let us search our our good together, and work hard to assure the well-being of our community; let us strive calmly and intelligently to undo our enemies' plans which, as you have already seen, count on our divisions to destroy us. We have never yet been defeated and now victory has once more alighted on our standard; but recent events reveal the need of all true patriots to be ever vigilant and ready to oppose the enemies of our State. Let each one of us remember what he owes to his country and resolve that he will seek his own good only in the good of all.
**Opening address to the Cosulta in Corte (23 May 1762), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), pp. 78-79
[[File:Pasquale Paoli by W Beckey.jpg|thumb|]]
*Already our nation has shown how little claim the Genoese had to our island. All the powers of Europe, especially France, have recognised us in practice as a free and independent people. So France has treated us, until the last few years. Even if Genoa had possessed the sovereignty she falsely claimed would she now be able to transfer it to another nation without the consent of those she professed to govern? She has no right to do so, for the basis of sovereignty is the people.
**Reply to the [[w:François Claude Chauvelin|Marquis de Chauvelin]]'s proclamation during the [[w:French conquest of Corsica|French conquest of Corsica]] (1768), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 125

*Let each take up his appointed position. We will show them that we are not to be treated like a flock of old sheep bought in a market place, for that is what they are trying to do. Always there have been strangers between ourselves and the Genoese, preventing us from a decision by negotiating or by the force of our arms, and always, as a result, Justice and Honour have been trampled in the mud. Now we are face to face with our last enemy. Citizens, I know the danger is great but I know, too, we are not accustomed to count the number of our foes.
**Proclamation (1768), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), pp. 125-126

*The countryside of [[France]] is cultivated but the masses there have no return from their labours. There are more cooking pots and kitchen spits in [[England]], [[Switzerland]] and [[Netherlands|Holland]] than in all the rest of Europe. In those places you do not see a ragged man or an emaciated countenance. The miracles of Liberty are more frequent, more grand and more useful than those of [[w:Anthony of Padua|Saint Anthony of Padua]].
**Letter (1 August 1787), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 172

*This nomination belongs to you, gentlemen. Are you eager so soon to give up your privileges? If I do not abuse the confidence with which you honour me today, someone else will abuse it tomorrow. Nature has provided you with abundant reason and good sense and you would be wise always to use them and look with a certain suspicion on power vested in a single individual.
**Remarks at the Congress of Orezza opposing the resolution that proposed that Paoli should designate two Commissioners who would carry to Paris the thanks of the National Assembly for the freedom and the institutions that the French had granted them (9 September 1790), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 216

*It's not because I am proud, gentlemen, that I refuse your generous offer. But the state of our public finances forbids you to be so free with your money. '''The public good always comes before private interest.'''
**Remarks at the Congress of Orezza opposing the National Assembly's proposal to provide Paoli with an annual pension of 50,000 francs (9 September 1790), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), pp. 216-217

*Some have called me a tyrant. Well, if they come here they will find that, far from Corsica being a despotism, we have a government here which would serve as a model for any [[w:Departments of France|Department]] in France. Those who call me despot are those who fear me as an obstacle to their partisan and privy projects.
**Statement (''c''. February 1793), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 261

*But what is [Bartolomeo] Arena but a four-day patriot? I drank in liberty with my mother's milk, but they and their connections whirl about with every wind. My [[patriotism]] is of long standing. I have been a patriot for 65 years. I am hardly likely to submit to the censure of slaves who have known liberty for only three.
**Reply to the report of [[w:Étienne Clavière|Étienne Clavière]], which stated that of all the Departments of France, Corsica contributed least to the national good (''c''. February 1793), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 262

*We are brothers and not subjects. If our loyalty is proved the Commissioners ought not to arraign themselves against us. Certainly our people will not suffer arbitrary power and he abuse of authority under a Republican constitution. '''The Corsican people cannot be reconciled to despotism.'''
**Letter to [[w:Antoine Christophe Saliceti|Antoine Christophe Saliceti]] (''c''. March 1793), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), pp. 264-265

*French enthusiasm is a vapour. If someone writes an article, if someone speaks in a club, if a few hot heads present an address to the [[w:National Convention|Convention]], then down goes the altar set up to today's idol and the string is ripped from the garlands to form a noose for his neck. The ''[[w:À la lanterne|lanterne]]'' is not far from the [[w:Panthéon|Pantheon]]. If [[Benjamin Franklin|Franklin]] with his buckleless shoes and leather-stripped breeches arrived in France today, his sober dress would not save him from being hanged as an aristocrat. He would be a diversion, not to the elegant ladies of Versailles, but to the murderous shrews at the foot of the [[w:Guillotine|guillotine]].
**Remarks to Antoine Christophe Saliceti (''c''. April 1793), quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), pp. 267-268

==Undated==
*Religion is an essential part of public order. Without a belief in God we would soon loose our confidence in victory.
**Statement, quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 58

*Every Corsican should be a soldier enlisted in the Militia, ready to defend his country: but outside these duties he ought to cultivate the land.
**Statement, quoted in Peter Adam Thrasher, ''Pasquale Paoli: An Enlightened Hero, 1725–1807'' (1970), p. 65

*In a country which wishes to remain free, every citizen must be a soldier, and hold himself always ready to arm himself for the defence of his rights. Disciplined troops act more in the interest of despotism than of freedom. [[Rome]] ceased to be free on the day on which she had paid soldiers, and the invincible phalanxes of [[w:Sparta|Sparta]] were formed from a [[w:Levée en masse|levy ''en masse'']]. Lastly, as soon as there is a [[w:Standing army|standing army]], an ''esprit de corps'' is formed; people speak of the valour of this or that regiment, of this or that company. These are more serious evils than is commonly supposed; and it is good to avoid them as much as possible. We ought to speak of the firm resolve manifested by this or that commune, of the self-sacrifice of the members of this or that family, of the valour of the citizens of so-and-so; in this manner is the emulation of a free nation roused. When our manners shall be as refined as they ought to be, our whole nation will be disciplined, and our militia invincible.
**Statement, quoted in Ferdinand Gregorovius, ''Corsica in Its Picturesque, Social, and Historical Aspects: The Record of a Tour in the Summer of 1852'', translated by Russell Martineau (1855), p. 84

==Quotes about Pasquale Paoli==
*You would have been much pleased, I am sure, by meeting with General Paoli, who spent the day there, and was extremely communicative and agreeable. I had seen him in large companies, but was never made known to him before; nevertheless, he conversed with me as if well acquainted not only with myself, but my connexions,—inquiring of me when I had last seen [[w:Elizabeth Montagu|Mrs. Montagu]]? and calling Sir [[Joshua Reynolds]], when he spoke of him, my friend. He is a very pleasing man, tall and genteel in his person, remarkably well bred, and very mild and soft in his manners.
**[[w:Frances Burney|Frances Burney]] to Mr. Crisp (15 October 1782), quoted in Frances Burney, ''Diary and Letters of Madame d'Arblay, Vol. II. 1781—1786'' (1842), p. 155

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Paoli, Pasquale}}
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Pages which use the [[MW:Extension:Score|Score]] extension. This category is populated automatically by the score extension.

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Pages where the maximum combined size of template arguments is exceeded. Pages in the category will appear broken, and can usually be fixed by removing templates or avoiding passing content through templates. This category is automatically populated by Mediawiki.

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      <text bytes="3844" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Hesychia|Hesychia]]''', a Greek term, is a concept that can be translated as &quot;stillness, rest, quiet, silence&quot;.

==Quotes==
===In Christianity===
* A brother asked an elder, “What is hēsychia and what good does it do?”&lt;br&gt;
:The elder said to him, “Hēsychia is remaining in a cell with understanding and fear of God, refraining from rancor and arrogance. That kind of hēsychia is the mother of all virtues and protects the monk from the fiery darts of the enemy, not allowing him to be wounded by them.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! The advancement of those who '''dwell alone'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! The '''ladder to heaven'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! The '''way to the kingdom of heaven'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Mother of sorrow for sin'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Patron of repentance'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Mirror of offenses''', showing a person his shortcomings.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! That '''does not hinder tears and sighs'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! That '''lightens up the soul'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Mother of gentleness'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! Concomitant of '''humility'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! That brings one to a '''peaceable disposition'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! That '''converses with angels'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! That '''enlightens the way of the mind'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! Espoused to '''fear of God''', inquisitor of ''logismoi'', and toiling together with discernment.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Mother of all good''', the foundation of fasting, a bridle for the tongue and a barrier to gluttony.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''School of prayer''', school of reading.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Calm of ''logismoi''''' and a sheltered harbor.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! That '''importunes God''', a weapon of the young that maintains a state of mind for which one need not repent and that preserves untroubled those who are desirous of remaining in their own cells'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''The yoke that is easy and the burden that is light''' [Matt 11:30], conferring repose and support on the one who is supporting you.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Delight of heart and soul'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! Exclusively concerned for that which is its own and '''speaking to Christ''', ever having death before its eyes.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! A '''bridle''' for the eyes, the hearing, and the tongue.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! Looking for the '''coming of Christ''' by day and by night and keeping the lamp from going out [Matt 21:1-13]. In your longing for him you are ever singing the words, ‘My heart is ready, O God, my heart is ready’ [Ps 56:8].&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! That '''restrains boasting and supplies weeping''' in place of laughter to the one who possesses you.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Mother of devotion'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Enemy of shamelessness and hater of loose talk''', ever looking for the coming of Christ.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Prison of passions'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! The field of Christ bringing forth '''good harvests'''.&lt;br&gt;
:Yes brother, acquire this, being [[w:Memento mori|mindful of death]].”&lt;br&gt;
::* No. 35, Chapter 2 (On ''Hesychia''), ''The Book of the Elders ([[Sayings of the Desert Fathers]]): The Systematic Collection'', translated by John Wortley. Cistercian Publications, 2012.

===In Neoplatonism===
* In fact, one must not try to discover where it comes from. For there is not any ‘where’; it neither comes from nor goes anywhere, it both appears and does not appear. For this reason, '''it is necessary not to pursue it, but to remain in stillness, until it should appear, preparing oneself to be a contemplator, just like the eye awaits the rising sun.''' The sun rising over the horizon – the poets say ‘from Ocean’ – gives itself to be seen with the eyes.
** ''[[Enneads]]'' 5.5.8 (by [[Plotinus]])

==See also==
*[[Hesychasm]]
*[[Silence]]
*[[Joseph the Hesychast]]
*[[Silouan Oner]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
[[Category:Christianity]]</text>
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      <text bytes="3865" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Hesychia|Hesychia]]''', a Greek term, is a concept that can be translated as &quot;stillness, rest, quiet, silence&quot;.

==Quotes==
===In Neoplatonism===
* In fact, one must not try to discover where it [the One] comes from. For there is not any ‘where’; it neither comes from nor goes anywhere, it both appears and does not appear. For this reason, '''it is necessary not to pursue it, but to remain in stillness [hesychia], until it should appear, preparing oneself to be a contemplator, just like the eye awaits the rising sun.''' The sun rising over the horizon – the poets say ‘from Ocean’ – gives itself to be seen with the eyes.
** ''[[Enneads]]'' 5.5.8 (by [[Plotinus]])

===In Christianity===
* A brother asked an elder, “What is hēsychia and what good does it do?”&lt;br&gt;
:The elder said to him, “Hēsychia is remaining in a cell with understanding and fear of God, refraining from rancor and arrogance. That kind of hēsychia is the mother of all virtues and protects the monk from the fiery darts of the enemy, not allowing him to be wounded by them.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! The advancement of those who '''dwell alone'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! The '''ladder to heaven'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! The '''way to the kingdom of heaven'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Mother of sorrow for sin'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Patron of repentance'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Mirror of offenses''', showing a person his shortcomings.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! That '''does not hinder tears and sighs'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! That '''lightens up the soul'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Mother of gentleness'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! Concomitant of '''humility'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! That brings one to a '''peaceable disposition'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! That '''converses with angels'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! That '''enlightens the way of the mind'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! Espoused to '''fear of God''', inquisitor of ''logismoi'', and toiling together with discernment.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Mother of all good''', the foundation of fasting, a bridle for the tongue and a barrier to gluttony.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''School of prayer''', school of reading.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Calm of ''logismoi''''' and a sheltered harbor.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! That '''importunes God''', a weapon of the young that maintains a state of mind for which one need not repent and that preserves untroubled those who are desirous of remaining in their own cells'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''The yoke that is easy and the burden that is light''' [Matt 11:30], conferring repose and support on the one who is supporting you.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Delight of heart and soul'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! Exclusively concerned for that which is its own and '''speaking to Christ''', ever having death before its eyes.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! A '''bridle''' for the eyes, the hearing, and the tongue.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! Looking for the '''coming of Christ''' by day and by night and keeping the lamp from going out [Matt 21:1-13]. In your longing for him you are ever singing the words, ‘My heart is ready, O God, my heart is ready’ [Ps 56:8].&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! That '''restrains boasting and supplies weeping''' in place of laughter to the one who possesses you.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Mother of devotion'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Enemy of shamelessness and hater of loose talk''', ever looking for the coming of Christ.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! '''Prison of passions'''.&lt;br&gt;
:O hēsychia! The field of Christ bringing forth '''good harvests'''.&lt;br&gt;
:Yes brother, acquire this, being [[w:Memento mori|mindful of death]].”&lt;br&gt;
::* No. 35, Chapter 2 (On ''Hesychia''), ''The Book of the Elders ([[Sayings of the Desert Fathers]]): The Systematic Collection'', translated by John Wortley. Cistercian Publications, 2012.

==See also==
*[[Hesychasm]]
*[[Silence]]
*[[Joseph the Hesychast]]
*[[Silouan Oner]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
[[Category:Christianity]]</text>
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== Udaipur Call Girls Most Fantastic Escort Search End Here ==

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